,,evergreens  ,by ,jerome ,k4 ,jerome   
,they look so dull and dowdy in the     
spring weather1 when the snow drops and 
the crocuses are putting on their dainty
 frocks of white and mauve and yellow1  
and the baby-buds from every branch are 
peeping with bright eyes out on the     
world1 and stretching forth soft little 
leaves toward the coming gladness of    
their lives4 ,they stand apart1 so cold 
and hard amid the stirring hope and joy 
that are throbbing all around them4     
,and in the deep full summer-time1 when 
all the rest of nature dons its richest 
garb of green1 and the roses clamber    
round the porch1 and the grass waves    
waist-high in the meadow1 and the fields
 are gay with flowers--they seem duller 
and dowdier than ever then1 wearing     
their faded winter's dress1 looking so  
dingy and old and worn4  ,in the mellow 
days of autumn1 when the trees1 like    
dames no longer young1 seek to forget   
their aged looks under gorgeous         
bright-toned robes of gold and brown and

 purple1 and the grain is yellow in the 
fields1 and the ruddy fruit hangs       
clustering from the drooping boughs1 and
 the wooded hills in their thousand hues
 stretched like leafy rainbows above the
 vale--ah6 surely they look their       
dullest and dowdiest then4 ,the gathered
 glory of the dying year is all around  
them4 ,they seem so out of place among  
it1 in their somber1 everlasting green1 
like poor relations at a rich man's     
feast4 ,it is such a weather-beaten old 
green dress4 ,so many summers' suns have
 blistered it1 so many winters' rains   
have beat upon it--such a shabby1 mean1 
old dress2 it is the only one they have6
  ,they do not look quite so bad when   
the weary winter weather is come1 when  
the flowers are dead1 and the hedgerows 
are bare1 and the trees stand out       
leafless against the gray sky1 and the  
birds are all silent1 and the fields are
 brown1 and the vine clings round the   
cottages with skinny1 fleshless arms1   
and they alone of all things are        

unchanged1 they alone of all the forest 
are green1 they alone of all the verdant
 host stand firm to front the cruel     
winter4  ,they are not very beautiful1  
only strong and stanch and              
steadfast--the same in all times1       
through all seasons--ever the same1 ever
 green4 ,the spring cannot brighten     
them1 the summer cannot scorch them1 the
 autumn cannot wither them1 the winter  
cannot kill them4  ,there are evergreen 
men and women in the world1 praise be to
 ,god6 ,not many of them1 but a few4    
,they are not the showy folk2 they are  
not the clever1 attractive folk4        
7,nature is an old-fashioned shopkeeper2
 she never puts her best goods in the   
window47 ,they are only the quiet1      
strong folk2 they are stronger than the 
world1 stronger than life or death1     
stronger than ,fate4 ,the storms of life
 sweep over them1 and the rains beat    
down upon them1 and the biting frosts   
creep round them2 but the winds and the 
rains and the frosts pass away1 and they

 are still standing1 green and straight4
 ,they love the sunshine of life in     
their undemonstrative way--its          
pleasures1 its joys4 ,but calamity      
cannot bow them1 sorrow and affliction  
bring not despair to their serene faces1
 only a little tightening of the lips2  
the sun of our prosperity makes the     
green of their friendship no brighter1  
the frost of our adversity kills not the
 leaves of their affection4  ,let us lay
 hold of such men and women2 let us     
grapple them to us with hooks of steel2 
let us cling to them as we would to     
rocks in a tossing sea4 ,we do not think
 very much of them in the summertime of 
life4 ,they do not flatter us or gush   
over us4 ,they do not always agree with 
us4 ,they are not always the most       
delightful society1 by any means4 ,they 
are not good talkers1 nor--which would  
do just as well1 perhaps better--do they
 make enraptured listeners4 ,they have  
awkward manners1 and very little tact4  
,they do not shine to advantage beside  

our society friends4 ,they do not dress 
well2 they look altogether somewhat     
dowdy and commonplace4 ,we almost hope  
they will not see us when we meet them  
just outside the club4 ,they are not the
 sort of people we want to              
ostentatiously greet in crowded places4 
,it is not till the days of our need    
that we learn to love and know them4 ,it
 is not till the winter that the birds  
see the wisdom of building their nests  
in the evergreen trees4  ,and we1 in our
 spring-time folly of youth1 pass them  
by with a sneer1 the uninteresting1     
colorless evergreens1 and1 like silly   
children with nothing but eyes in their 
heads1 stretch out our hands and cry for
 the pretty flowers4 ,we will make our  
little garden of life such a charming1  
fairy-like spot1 the envy of every      
passer-by6 ,there shall nothing grow in 
it but lilies and roses1 and the cottage
 we will cover all over with            
,virginia-creeper4 ,and1 oh1 how sweet  
it will look1 under the dancing summer  

sun-light1 when the soft west breeze is 
blowing6  ,and1 oh1 how we shall stand  
and shiver there when the rain and the  
east wind come6  ,oh1 you foolish1      
foolish little maidens1 with your dainty
 heads so full of unwisdom6 how         
often--oh6 how often1 are you to be     
warned that it is not always the        
sweetest thing in lovers that is the    
best material to make a good-wearing    
husband out of8 ,the lover sighing like 
a furnace will not go on sighing like a 
furnace forever4 ,that furnace will go  
out4 ,he will become the husband1 full  
of strange oaths--jealous in honor1     
sudden and quick in quarrel1 and grow   
into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon4  
,how will he wear8 ,there will be no    
changing him if he does not suit1 no    
sending him back to be altered1 no      
having him let out a bit where he is too
 tight and hurts you1 no having him     
taken in where he is too loose1 no      
laying him by when the cold comes1 to   
wrap yourself up in something warmer4   

,as he is when you select him1 so he    
will have to last you all your          
life--through all changes1 through all  
seasons4  ,yes1 he looks very pretty    
now--handsome pattern1 if the colors are
 fast and it does not fade--feels soft  
and warm to the touch4 ,how will he     
stand the world's rough weather8 ,how   
will he stand life's wear and tear8  ,he
 looks so manly and brave4 ,his hair    
curls so divinely4 ,he dresses so well  
7,i wonder if the tailor's bill is      
paid87 ,he kisses your hand so          
gracefully4 ,he calls you such pretty   
names4 ,his arm feels so strong a round 
you4 ,his fine eyes are so full of      
tenderness as they gaze down into yours4
  ,will he kiss your hand when it is    
wrinkled and old8 ,will he call you     
pretty names when the baby is crying in 
the night1 and you cannot keep it       
quiet--or1 better still1 will he sit up 
and take a turn with it8 ,will his arm  
be strong around you in the days of     
trouble8 ,will his eyes shine above you 

full of tenderness when yours are       
growing dim8  ,and you boys1 you silly  
boys6 what materials for a wife do you  
think you will get out of the           
empty-headed coquettes you are raving   
and tearing your hair about4 ,oh6 yes1  
she is very handsome1 and she dresses   
with exquisite taste 7the result of     
devoting the whole of her heart1 mind   
and soul to the subject1 and never      
allowing her thoughts to be distracted  
from it by any other mundane or         
celestial object whatsoever72 and she is
 very agreeable and entertaining and    
fascinating2 and she will go on looking 
handsome1 and dressing exquisitely1 and 
being agreeable and entertaining and    
fascinating just as much after you have 
married her as before--more so1 if      
anything4  ,but you will not get the    
benefit of it4 ,husbands will be charmed
 and fascinated by her in plenty1 but   
you will not be among them4 ,you will   
run the show1 you will pay all the      
expenses1 do all the work4 ,your        

performing lady will be most affable and
 enchanting to the crowd4 ,they will    
stare at her1 and admire her1 and talk  
to her1 and flirt with her4 ,and you    
will be able to feel that you are quite 
a benefactor to your fellow-men and     
women--to your fellow-men especially--in
 providing such delightful amusement for
 them1 free4 ,but you will not get any  
of the fun yourself4  ,you will not get 
the handsome looks4 ,you will get the   
jaded face1 and the dull1 lusterless    
eyes1 and the untidy hair with the dye  
showing on it4 ,you will not get the    
exquisite dresses4 ,you will get dirty1 
shabby frocks and slommicking           
dressing-gowns1 such as your cook would 
be ashamed to wear4 ,you will not get   
the charm and fascination4 ,you will get
 the after-headaches1 the complainings  
and grumblings1 the silence and         
sulkiness1 the weariness and lassitude  
and ill-temper that comes as such a     
relief after working hard all day at    
being pleasant6  ,it is not the people  

who shine in society1 but the people who
 brighten up the back parlor2 not the   
people who are charming when they are   
out1 but the people who are charming    
when they are in1 that are good to live 
with4 ,it is not the brilliant men and  
women1 but the simple1 strong1 restful  
men and women1 that make the best       
traveling companions for the road of    
life4 ,the men and women who will only  
laugh as they put up the umbrella when  
the rain begins to fall1 who will trudge
 along cheerfully through the mud and   
over the stony places--the comrades who 
will lay their firm hand on ours and    
strengthen us when the way is dark and  
we are growing weak--the evergreen men  
and women1 who1 like the holly1 are at  
their brightest and best when the blast 
blows chilliest--the stanch men and     
women6  ,it is a grand thing this       
stanchness4 ,it is the difference       
between a dog and a sheep--between a man
 and an oyster4  ,women1 as a rule1 are 
stancher than men4 ,there are women that

 you feel you could rely upon to the    
death4 ,but very few men indeed have    
this dog-like virtue4 ,men1 taking them 
generally1 are more like cats4 ,you may 
live with them and call them yours for  
twenty years1 but you can never feel    
quite sure of them4 ,you never know     
exactly what they are thinking of4 ,you 
never feel easy in your mind as to the  
result of the next-door neighbor's      
laying down a ,brussels carpet in his   
kitchen4  ,we have no school for the    
turning-out of stanch men in this       
nineteenth century4 ,in the old1 earnest
 times1 war made men stanch and true to 
each other4 ,we have learned up a good  
many glib phrases about the wickedness  
of war1 and we thank ,god that we live  
in these peaceful1 trading times1       
wherein we can--and do--devote the whole
 of our thoughts and energies to robbing
 and cheating and swindling one         
another--to doing our friends1 and      
overcoming our enemies by trickery and  
lies--wherein1 undisturbed by the wicked

 ways of fighting-men1 we can cultivate 
to better perfection the smartness1 the 
craft1 and the cunning1 and all the     
other business-like virtues on which we 
so pride ourselves1 and which were so   
neglected and treated with so little    
respect in the bad old age of violence1 
when men chose lions and eagles for     
their symbols rather than foxes4  ,there
 is a good deal to be said against war4 
,i am not prepared to maintain that war 
did not bring with it disadvantages1 but
 there can be no doubt that1 for the    
noblest work of ,nature--the making of  
men--it was a splendid manufactory4 ,it 
taught men courage4 ,it trained them in 
promptness and determination1 in        
strength of brain and strength of hand4 
,from its stern lessons they learned    
fortitude in suffering1 coolness in     
danger1 cheerfulness under reverses4    
,chivalry1 ,reverence1 and ,loyalty are 
the beautiful children of ugly ,war4    
,but1 above all gifts1 the greatest gift
 it gave to men was stanchness4  ,it    

first taught men to be true to one      
another2 to be true to their duty1 true 
to their post2 to be in all things      
faithful1 even unto death4  ,the martyrs
 that died at the stake2 the explorers  
that fought with ,nature and opened up  
the world for us2 the reformers 7they   
had to do something more than talk in   
those days7 who won for us our          
liberties2 the men who gave their lives 
to science and art1 when science and art
 brought1 not as now1 fame and fortune1 
but shame and penury--they sprang from  
the loins of the rugged men who had     
learned1 on many a grim battlefield1 to 
laugh at pain and death1 who had had it 
hammered into them1 with many a hard    
blow1 that the whole duty of a man in   
this world is to be true to his trust1  
and fear not4  ,do you remember the     
story of the old ,viking who had been   
converted to ,christianity1 and who1    
just as they were about1 with much joy1 
to baptize him1 paused and asked3 ,but  
what--if this1 as you tell me1 is the   

only way to the true ,valhalla--what has
 become of my comrades1 my friends who  
are dead1 who died in the old           
faith--where are they8  ,the priests1   
confused1 replied there could be no     
doubt those unfortunate folk had gone to
 a place they would rather not mention4 
,then1 said the old warrior1 stepping   
back1 ,i will not be baptized4 ,i will  
go along with my own people4  ,he had   
lived with them1 fought beside them2    
they were his people4 ,he would stand by
 them to the end--of eternity4 ,most    
assuredly1 a very shocking old ,viking6 
,but ,i think it might be worth while   
giving up our civilization and our      
culture to get back to the days when    
they made men like that4  ,the only     
reminder of such times that we have left
 us now1 is the bull-dog2 and he is fast
 dying out--the pity of it6 ,what a     
splendid old dog he is6 so grim1 so     
silent1 so stanch2 so terrible1 when he 
has got his idea1 of his duty clear     
before him2 so absurdly meek1 when it is

 only himself that is concerned4  ,he is
 the gentlest1 too1 and the most lovable
 of all dogs4 ,he does not look it4 ,the
 sweetness of his disposition would not 
strike the casual observer at first     
glance4 ,he resembles the gentleman     
spoken of in the oft-quoted stanza3     
',e's all right when yer knows 'im4     
,but yer've got to know 'im fust4  ,the 
first time ,i ever met a bull-dog--to   
speak to1 that is--was many years ago4  
,we were lodging down in the country1 an
 orphan friend of mine named ,george1   
and myself1 and one night1 coming home  
late from some dissolving views we found
 the family had gone to bed4 ,they had  
left a light in our room1 however1 and  
we went in and sat down1 and began to   
take off our boots4  ,and then1 for the 
first time1 we noticed on the hearthrug 
a bull-dog4 ,a dog with a more          
thoughtfully ferocious expression--a dog
 with1 apparently1 a heart more dead to 
all ennobling and civilizing            
sentiments--,i have never seen4 ,as     

,george said1 he looked more like some  
heathen idol than a happy ,english dog4 
,he appeared to have been waiting for   
us2 and he rose up and greeted us with a
 ghastly grin1 and got between us and   
the door4  ,we smiled at him--a sickly1 
propitiatory smile4 ,we said1 ,good     
dog--poor fellow6 and we asked him1 in  
tones implying that the question could  
admit of no negative1 if he was not a   
nice old chap4 ,we did not really think 
so4 ,we had our own private opinion     
concerning him1 and it was unfavorable4 
,but we did not express it4 ,we would   
not have hurt his feelings for the      
world4 ,he was a visitor1 our guest1 so 
to speak--and1 as well-brought-up young 
men1 we felt that the right thing to do 
was for us to prevent his gaining any   
hint that we were not glad to see him1  
and to make him feel as little as       
possible the awkwardness of his         
position4  ,i think we succeeded4 ,he   
was singularly unembarrassed1 and far   
more at his ease than even we were4 ,he 

took but little notice of our flattering
 remarks1 but was much drawn toward     
,george's legs4 ,george used to be1 ,i  
remember1 rather proud of his legs4 ,i  
could never see enough in them myself to
 excuse ,george's vanity2 indeed1 they  
always struck me as lumpy4 ,it is only  
fair to acknowledge1 however1 that they 
quite fascinated that bull-dog4 ,he     
walked over and criticized them with the
 air of a long-baffled connoisseur who  
had at last found his ideal4 ,at the    
termination of his inspection he        
distinctly smiled4  ,george1 who at that
 time was modest and bashful1 blushed   
and drew them up on to the chair4 ,on   
the dog's displaying a desire to follow 
them1 ,george moved up on to the table1 
and squatted there in the middle1       
nursing his knees4 ,george's legs being 
lost to him1 the dog appeared inclined  
to console himself with mine4 ,i went   
and sat beside ,george on the table4    
,sitting with your feet drawn up in     
front of you1 on a small and rickety    

one-legged table1 is a most trying      
exercise1 especially if you are not used
 to it4 ,george and ,i both felt our    
position keenly4 ,we did not like to    
call out for help1 and bring the family 
down4 ,we were proud young men1 and we  
feared lest1 to the unsympathetic eye of
 the comparative stranger1 the spectacle
 we should present might not prove      
imposing4  ,we sat on in silence for    
about half an hour1 the dog keeping a   
reproachful eye upon us from the nearest
 chair1 and displaying elephantine      
delight whenever we made any movement   
suggestive of climbing down4  ,at the   
end of the half hour we discussed the   
advisability of chancing it1 but decided
 not to4 ,we should never1 ,george said1
 confound foolhardiness with courage4   
,courage1 he continued--,george had     
quite a gift for maxims--courage is the 
wisdom of manhood2 foolhardiness1 the   
folly of youth4  ,he said that to get   
down from the table while that dog      
remained in the room1 would clearly     

prove us to be possessed of the latter  
quality2 so we restrained ourselves1 and
 sat on4  ,we sat on for over an hour1  
by which time1 having both grown        
careless of life and indifferent to the 
voice of ,wisdom1 we did chance it2 and 
throwing the table-cloth over our       
would-be murderer1 charged for the door 
and got out4  ,the next morning we      
complained to our landlady of her       
carelessness in leaving wild beasts     
about the place1 and we gave her a brief
 if not exactly truthful1 history of the
 business4  ,instead of the tender      
womanly sympathy we had expected1 the   
old lady sat down in the easy chair and 
burst out laughing4  ,what6 old ,boozer1
 she exclaimed1 you was afraid of old   
,boozer6 ,why1 bless you1 he wouldn't   
hurt a worm6 ,he ain't got a tooth in   
his head1 he ain't2 we has to feed him  
with a spoon2 and ,i'm sure the way the 
cat chivies him about must be enough to 
make his life a burden to him4 ,i expect
 he wanted you to nurse him2 he's used  

to being nursed4  ,and that was the     
brute that had kept us sitting on a     
table1 with our boots off1 for over an  
hour on a chilly night6  ,another       
bull-dog exhibition that occurs to me   
was one given by my uncle4 ,he had had a
 bulldog--a young one--given to him by a
 friend4 ,it was a grand dog1 so his    
friend had told him2 all it wanted was  
training--it had not been properly      
trained4 ,my uncle did not profess to   
know much about the training of         
bull-dogs2 but it seemed a simple enough
 matter1 so he thanked the man1 and took
 his prize home at the end of a rope4   
,have we got to live in the house with  
this8 asked my aunt1 indignantly1 coming
 in to the room about an hour after the 
dog's advent1 followed by the quadruped 
himself1 wearing an idiotically         
self-satisfied air4  ,that6 exclaimed my
 uncle1 in astonishment2 why1 it's a    
splendid dog4 ,his father was honorably 
mentioned only last year at the         
,aquarium4  ,ah1 well1 all ,i can say   

is1 that his son isn't going the way to 
get honorably mentioned in this         
neighborhood1 replied my aunt1 with     
bitterness2 he's just finished killing  
poor ,mrs4 ,mc,slanger's cat1 if you    
want to know what he has been doing4    
,and a pretty row there'll be about it1 
too6  ,can't we hush it up8 said my     
uncle4  ,hush it up8 retorted my aunt4  
,if you'd heard the row1 you wouldn't   
sit there and talk like a fool4 ,and if 
you'll take my advice1 added my aunt1   
you'll set to work on this 'training1'  
or whatever it is1 that has got to be   
done to the dog1 before any human life  
is lost4  ,my uncle was too busy to     
devote any time to the dog for the next 
day or so1 and all that could be done   
was to keep the animal carefully        
confined to the house4  ,and a nice time
 we had with him6 ,it was not that the  
animal was bad-hearted4 ,he meant       
well--he tried to do his duty4 ,what was
 wrong with him was that he was too     
hard-working4 ,he wanted to do too much4

 ,he started with an exaggerated and    
totally erroneous notion of his duties  
and responsibilities4 ,his idea was that
 he had been brought into the house for 
the purpose of preventing any living    
human soul from coming near it and of   
preventing any person who might by      
chance have managed to slip in from ever
 again leaving it4  ,we endeavored to   
induce him to take a less exalted view  
of his position1 but in vain4 ,that was 
the conception he had formed in his own 
mind concerning his earthly task1 and   
that conception he insisted on living up
 to with1 what appeared to us to be1    
unnecessary conscientiousness4  ,he so  
effectually frightened away all the     
trades people1 that they at last refused
 to enter the gate4 ,all that they would
 do was to bring their goods and drop   
them over the fence into the front      
garden1 from where we had to go and     
fetch them as we wanted them4  ,i wish  
you'd run into the garden1 my aunt would
 say to me--,i was stopping with them at

 the time--and see if you can find any  
sugar2 ,i think there's some under the  
big rose-bush4 ,if not1 you'd better go 
to ,jones' and order some4  ,and on the 
cook's inquiring what she should get    
ready for lunch1 my aunt would say3     
,well1 ,i'm sure1 ,jane1 ,i hardly know4
 ,what have we8 ,are there any chops in 
the garden1 or was it a bit of steak    
that ,i noticed on the lawn8  ,on the   
second afternoon the plumbers came to do
 a little job to the kitchen boiler4    
,the dog1 being engaged at the time in  
the front of the house1 driving away the
 postman1 did not notice their arrival4 
,he was broken-hearted at finding them  
there when he got downstairs1 and       
evidently blamed himself most bitterly4 
,still1 there they were1 all owing to   
his carelessness1 and the only thing to 
be done now was to see that they did not
 escape4  ,there were three plumbers 7it
 always takes three plumbers to do a    
job2 the first man comes on ahead to    
tell you that the second man will be    

there soon1 the second man comes to say 
that he can't stop1 and the third man   
follows to ask if the first man has been
 there72 and that faithful1 dumb animal 
kept them pinned up in the              
kitchen--fancy wanting to keep plumbers 
in a house longer than is absolutely    
necessary6--for five hours1 until my    
uncle came home2 and the bill ran3 ,self
 and two men engaged six hours1         
repairing boiler-tap1 #ahs42 material1  
#b;d42 total #ahs4 #b;d4  ,he took a    
dislike to the cook from the very first4
 ,we did not blame him for this4 ,she   
was a disagreeable old woman1 and we did
 not think much of her ourselves4 ,but  
when it came to keeping her out of the  
kitchen1 so that she could not do her   
work1 and my aunt and uncle had to cook 
the dinner themselves1 assisted by the  
housemaid--a willing-enough girl1 but   
necessarily inexperienced--we felt that 
the woman was being subject to          
persecution4  ,my uncle1 after this1    
decided that the dog's training must be 

no longer neglected4 ,the man next door 
but one always talked as if he knew a   
lot about sporting matters1 and to him  
my uncle went for advice as to how to   
set about it4  ,oh1 yes1 said the man1  
cheerfully1 very simple thing1 training 
a bull-dog4 ,wants patience1 that's all4
  ,oh1 that will be all right1 said my  
uncle2 it can't want much more than     
living in the same house with him before
 he's trained does4 ,how do you start8  
,well1 ,i'll tell you1 said             
next-door-but-one4 ,you take him up into
 a room where there's not much          
furniture1 and you shut the door and    
bolt it4  ,i see1 said my uncle4  ,then 
you place him on the floor in the middle
 of the room1 and you go down on your   
knees in front of him1 and begin to     
irritate him4  ,oh6  ,yes--and you go on
 irritating him until you have made him 
quite savage4  ,which1 from what ,i know
 of the dog1 won't take long1 observed  
my uncle thoughtfully4  ,so much the    
better4 ,the moment he gets savage he   

will fly at you4  ,my uncle agreed that 
the idea seemed plausible4  ,he will fly
 at your throat1 continued the          
next-door-but-one man1 and this is where
 you will have to be careful4 ,as he    
springs toward you1 and before he gets  
hold of you1 you must hit him a fair    
straight blow on his nose1 and knock him
 down4  ,yes1 ,i see what you mean4     
,quite so--well1 the moment you have    
knocked him down1 he will jump up and go
 for you again4 ,you must knock him down
 again2 and you must keep on doing this1
 until the dog is thoroughly cowed and  
exhausted4 ,once he is thoroughly cowed1
 the thing's done--dog's as gentle as a 
lamb after that4  ,oh6 says my uncle1   
rising from his chair1 you think that a 
good way1 do you8  ,certainly1 replied  
the next-door-but-one man2 it never     
fails4  ,oh6 ,i wasn't doubting it1 said
 my uncle2 only it's just occurred to me
 that as you understand the knack of    
these things1 perhaps you'd like to come
 in and try your hand on the dog8 ,we   

can give you a room quite to yourselves2
 and ,i'll undertake that nobody comes  
near to interfere with you4 ,and if--if1
 continued my uncle1 with that kindly   
thoughtfulness which ever distinguished 
his treatment of others1 if1 by any     
chance1 you should miss hitting the dog 
at the proper critical moment1 or1 if   
you should get cowed and exhausted      
first1 instead of the dog--why1 ,i shall
 only be too pleased to take the whole  
burden of the funeral expenses on my own
 shoulders2 and ,i hope you know me well
 enough to feel sure that the           
arrangements will be tasteful1 and1 at  
the same time1 unostentatious6  ,and out
 my uncle walked4  ,we next consulted   
the butcher1 who agreed that the        
prize-ring method was absurd1 especially
 when recommended to a short-winded1    
elderly family man1 and who recommended1
 instead1 plenty of out-door exercise   
for the dog1 under my uncle's strict    
supervision and control4  ,get a fairly 
long chain for him1 said the butcher1   

and take him out for a good stiff run   
every evening4 ,never let him get away  
from you2 make him mind you1 and bring  
him home always thoroughly exhausted4   
,you stick to that for a month or two1  
regular1 and you'll have him like a     
little child4  ,um6--seems to me that   
,i'm going to get more training over his
 job than anybody else1 muttered my     
uncle1 as he thanked the man and left   
the shop2 but ,i suppose it's got to be 
done4 ,wish ,i'd never had the d--- dog 
now6  ,so1 religiously1 every evening1  
my uncle would fasten a long chain to   
that poor dog1 and drag him away from   
his happy home with the idea of         
exhausting him2 and the dog would come  
back as fresh as paint1 my uncle behind 
him1 panting and clamoring for brandy4  
,my uncle said he should never have     
dreamed there could have been such      
stirring times in this prosaic          
nineteenth century as he had1 training  
that dog4  ,oh1 the wild1 wild          
scamperings over the breezy common--the 

dog trying to catch a swallow1 and my   
uncle1 unable to hold him back1         
following at the other end of the chain6
  ,oh1 the merry frolics in the fields1 
when the dog wanted to kill a cow1 and  
the cow wanted to kill the dog1 and they
 each dodged round my uncle1 trying to  
do it6  ,and1 oh1 the pleasant chats    
with the old ladies when the dog wound  
the chain into a knot around their legs1
 and upset them1 and my uncle had to sit
 down in the road beside them1 and untie
 them before they could get up again6   
,but a crisis came at last4 ,it was a   
,saturday afternoon--uncle being        
exercised by dog in usual way--nervous  
children playing in road1 see dog1      
scream1 and run--playful young dog      
thinks it a game1 jerks chain out of    
uncle's grasp1 and flies after          
them--uncle flies after dog1 calling it 
names--fond parent in front garden1     
seeing beloved children chased by savage
 dog1 followed by careless owner1 flies 
after uncle1 calling him                

names--householders come to doors and   
cry1 ,shame6--also throw things at      
dog--things don't hit dog1 hit          
uncle--things that don't hit uncle1 hit 
fond parent--through the village and up 
the hill1 over the bridge and round by  
the green--grand run1 mile and a half   
without a break6 ,children sink         
exhausted--dog gambols up among         
them--children go into fits--fond parent
 and uncle come up together1 both       
breathless4  ,why don't you call your   
dog off1 you wicked old man8  ,because  
,i can't recollect his name1 you old    
fool1 you6  ,fond parent accuses uncle  
of having set dog on--uncle1 indignant1 
reviles fond parent--exasperated fond   
parent attacks uncle--uncle retaliates  
with umbrella--faithful dog comes to    
assistance of uncle1 and inflicts great 
injury on fond parent--arrival of       
police--dog attacks police--uncle and   
fond parent both taken into             
custody--uncle fined five pounds and    
costs for keeping a ferocious dog at    

large--uncle fined five pounds and costs
 for assault on fond parent--uncle fined
 five pounds and cost for assault on    
police6  ,my uncle gave the dog away    
soon after that4 ,he did not waste him4 
,he gave him as a wedding-present to a  
near relation4  ,but the saddest story  
,i ever heard in connection with a      
bull-dog1 was one told by my aunt       
herself4  ,now you can rely upon this   
story1 because it is not one of mine1 it
 is one of my aunt's1 and she would     
scorn to tell a lie4 ,this is a story   
you could tell to the heathen1 and feel 
that you were teaching them the truth   
and doing them good4 ,they give this    
story out at all the ,sunday-schools in 
our part of the country1 and draw moral 
lessons from it4 ,it is a story that a  
little child can believe4  ,it happened 
in the old crinoline days4 ,my aunt1 who
 was then living in a country-town1 had 
gone out shopping one morning1 and was  
standing in the ,high ,street1 talking  
to a lady friend1 a ,mrs4 ,gumworthy1   

the doctor's wife4 ,she 7my aunt7 had on
 a new crinoline that morning1 in which1
 to use her own expression1 she rather  
fancied herself4 ,it was a tremendously 
big one1 as stiff as a wire-fence2 and  
it set beautifully4  ,they were standing
 in front of ,jenkins'1 the draper's2   
and my aunt thinks that it--the         
crinoline--must have got caught up in   
something1 and an opening thus left     
between it and the ground4 ,however this
 may be1 certain it is that an absurdly 
large and powerful bull-dog1 who was    
fooling round about there at the time1  
managed1 somehow or other1 to squirm in 
under my aunt's crinoline1 and          
effectually imprison himself beneath it4
  ,finding himself suddenly in a dark   
and gloomy chamber1 the dog1 naturally  
enough1 got frightened1 and made frantic
 rushes to get out4 ,but whichever way  
he charged2 there was the crinoline in  
front of him4 ,as he flew1 he1 of       
course1 carried it before him1 and with 
the crinoline1 of course1 went my aunt4 

,but nobody knew the explanation4 ,my   
aunt herself did not know what had      
happened4 ,nobody had seen the dog creep
 inside the crinoline4 ,all that the    
people did see was a staid and eminently
 respectable middle-aged lady suddenly1 
and without any apparent reason1 throw  
her umbrella down in the road1 fly up   
the ,high ,street at the rate of ten    
miles an hour1 rush across it at the    
imminent risk of her life1 dart down it 
again on the other side1 rush sideways1 
like an excited crab1 into a grocer's   
shop1 run three times round the shop1   
upsetting the whole stock-in-trade1 come
 out of the shop backward and knock down
 a postman1 dash into the roadway and   
spin round twice1 hover for a moment1   
undecided1 on the curb1 and then away up
 the hill again1 as if she had only just
 started1 all the while screaming out at
 the top of her voice for somebody to   
stop her6  ,of course1 everybody thought
 she was mad4 ,the people flew before   
her like chaff before the wind4 ,in less

 than five seconds the ,high ,street was
 a desert4 ,the townsfolk scampered into
 their shops and houses and barricaded  
the doors4 ,brave men dashed out and    
caught up little children and bore them 
to places of safety amid cheers4 ,carts 
and carriages were abandoned1 while the 
drivers climbed up lamp-posts6  ,what   
would have happened had the affair gone 
on much longer--whether my aunt would   
have been shot1 or the fire-engine      
brought into requisition against her--it
 is impossible1 having regard to the    
terrified state of the crowd1 to say4   
,fortunately for her1 she became        
exhausted4 ,with one despairing shriek  
she gave way1 and sat down on the dog2  
and peace reigned once again in that    
sweet rural town4