,,frost',s ,,laws ,,and ,,by-,,laws ,,of ,,american ,,society ,a ,,condensed ,,but ,,thorough ,,treatise ,,on ,,etiquette ,,and ,,its ,,usages ,,in ,,america1 ,,containing ,,plain ,,and ,,reliable ,,directions ,,for ,,deportment ,,in ,,every ,,situation ,,in ,,life ,,on ,,the ,,following ,,subjects3 ,letters of ,introduction1 ,salutes and ,salutations ,calls1 ,conversation1 ,invitations1 ,dinner ,company1 ,balls1 ,morning and ,evening ,parties1 ,visiting1 ,street ,etiquette1 ,riding and ,driving1 ,travelling1 ,etiquette in ,church1 ,etiquette for ,places of ,amusement1 ,servants1 ,hotel ,etiquette1 ,etiquette at ,weddings1 ,baptisms and ,funerals4 ,etiquette with ,children and at the ,card ,table1 ,visiting ,cards1 ,lettter-,writing1 ,the ,lady's ,toilet1 ,the ,gentleman's ,toilet1 ,,besides ,,one ,,hundred ,,unclassified ,,laws ,,applicable ,,to ,,all ,,occasions ,by ,s4 ,a4 ,,frost1 ,,author ,,of ,,frost',s ,,letter-,,writer1 ,,etc4 #ahfi ,,preface4 ,for a long time the little book which we now offer to the public has been wanted in the library of the fashionable world2 the customs1 the etiquette1 the different obligations which society imposes upon those who live in its midst1 change frequently1 and although the general principles are the same1 although politeness and civility are of all epoques and times1 nevertheless there are few persons so entirely at home in all the forms that they do not on some occasion feel hesitation as to the proper manner of conducting themselves4 ,indeed1 besides the broader and more essential rules of politeness1 there are certain conventionalities adopted by good society1 which1 sanctioned by custom and absolute obligation1 cannot1 without some good reason1 be neglected by the truly polite gentleman or lady4 ,every day the question is raised whether such and such a custom is adopted1 received1 and proper2 there will constantly arise a doubt about the details of some ceremony1 the proper hour for some entertainment1 the true etiquette for some occasion4 ,at such a time1 there is a regret felt that there is not at hand1 in one's own library1 a safe guide1 an experienced counsellor1 who will answer such questions1 so trifling in appearance1 so important in reality4 ,a breach of etiquette1 an involuntarily omission of some point of politeness1 may often have a serious influence upon the future of the perpetrator4 ,none of these little details are to be scorned they have each and every one a value4 ,it is to meet the want already mentioned that this little volume has been prepared4 ,it makes no claim to originality2 but its aim is to be perfectly reliable4 ,english1 ,french1 and ,american authorities of weight have been consulted1 and nothing admitted that was not sanctioned by experience and the customs of the best society4 ,books1 it is very true1 have been already written upon this subject2 but they are for the most part filled with useless details1 and often do not contain what is of most importance4 ,the aim of the ,editor of the present work has been to avoid both extremes1 to select only what was useful1 reliable1 and well established1 and to reject only what was valueless or mere repetition4 ,the subjects treated are all classed that they may have easy reference1 and admit of consultation at a moment's notice4 ,the little book goes forth with one pretension only1 one ambition alone--to be useful4 ,,contents4 ,etiquette and ,its ,uses ,introductions ,letters of ,introduction ,salutes and ,salutations ,calls ,conversation ,invitations ,dinner ,company ,balls ,morning and ,evening ,parties ,visiting ,street ,etiquette ,riding and ,driving ,travelling ,etiquette ,in ,church ,etiquette ,for ,places of ,amusemfent ,servants ,hotel ,etiquette ,wedding ,etiquette ,etiquette ,for ,baptisms ,etiquette ,for ,funerals ,etiquette of the ,studio ,table ,etiquette ,etiquette ,with ,children ,games ,with ,cards ,visiting ,cards ,letter ,writing ,the ,lady's ,toilet ,the ,gentleman's ,toilet ,miscellaneous --- ,,the ,,laws ,,and ,,by-,,laws ,,of ,,american ,,society4 ,,etiquette ,,and ,,its ,,uses4 ,,there are a great many people1 in other respects perfectly estimable 7which makes the complaint against them the more grievous7 who maintain that the laws of nature are the only laws of binding force among the units which compose society4 ,they do not assert their doctrine in so many words1 but practically they avow it1 and they are not slow to express their contempt for the ridiculous etiquette which is declared by their opponents to be essential to the well being of society4 ,these people are probably a law to themselves in such matters2 they obey in their rules of conduct those instincts of propriety and good manners which were implanted in them at their birth1 and cultivated probably by their education1 and therefore they have small need to study especially how to conduct themselves in their intercourse with society4 ,in such cases1 their opposition to a written code of manners is rather an affair of theory than of practice1 and it seems rather absurd that they should so emphatically denounce the system which they themselves1 by example rather than precept1 thoroughly carry out4 ,they would be probably as averse to committing any act of rudeness1 or any breach of politeness as the warmest admirer of the primitive life of the ,indian would be to living himself in a dirty tent1 and eating his food1 half cooked1 on a forked-stick over a camp fire4 ,for such people this little code of the ,laws and ,by-,laws of ,american ,society is not written4 ,there are others who are equally fierce in their denunciations of the ridiculous etiquette above mentioned1 but who have not the same natural excuse for being so4 ,these are the rude1 rough natures1 whom no amount of social rubbing1 or intercourse with the most refined would polish1 though the professors of the art of good breeding polished never so wisely4 ,they act in their rules of conduct on a principle wholly selfish1 making their own ease and comfort the first1 if not indeed the sole aim1 regardless entirely of the amount of inconvenience or discomfort they may occasion to others4 ,they are obliged to cry down1 for mere consistency's sake1 the system which condemns their own course of action1 and which gives certain laws for governing the conduct1 and certain other laws prohibiting many of the acts of rudeness which they find so agreeable1 but which others may reasonably object to as offensive4 ,such persons1 too1 will of course freely express their opinion1 yet their denunciations will probably produce an exactly opposite effect to the one they intend1 their own conduct proving the pernicious influence of their theory4 ,their abuse will be1 not the expression1 half in badinage1 of minds protesting by anticipation against the abuse of forms and ceremonies2 but the ignorant invective of coarse-minded people against a principle that would tame them1 and mould them into a more agreeable presence4 ,they exclaim loudly against what they personally dislike1 however beneficial it may be either to themselves or others4 ,for them this little book of the ,laws and ,by-,laws of ,american ,society is not written4 ,besides the two classes already mentioned1 there is another exceedingly large class of society1 which1 far from being boorish by nature1 yet from circumstances lacks the cultivation which alone will bring the conduct into such training as will fit it practically for exhibition in society4 ,to the persons comprising this class1 it is not only a source of regret1 but of absolute pain1 to be ignorant of the rules which make society cohere1 which mark out the functions and duties of the various members which comprise it1 and which guard alike against annoyances from the impertinent1 and intrusions by the ill-bred1 promoting by organized methods the formation of desirable acquaintanceship and pleasant friendships1 which otherwise might never take place4 ,isolation from society1 the want of proper instruction1 the ill effect of bad example1 the advice of the prejudiced1 the association with the low-bred1 and a hundred other causes1 may conspire to prevent that intimacy with the cardinal rules of good behavior1 which decorum and good breeding have dictated for the better guidance of the community4 ,it is for such persons1 and for the many others who1 though not unacquainted with the principles which should guide them in their conduct1 are yet often at fault upon questions of detail1 and sometimes commit errors1 which are the more excusable that absolute rules1 deduced from precedent and established by practice alone could set them right1 that this code of ,modern ,etiquette has been prepared4 ,to them it is offered as supplying a need which it is their misfortune1 rather than their fault1 to experience1 in the hope that it will be found to contain a complete guide for them in the open paths and by-paths too of good society4 ,before beginning to lay down the rules and ordinances of ,etiquette1 it will be well to say a few words upon ,etiquette itself4 ,etiquette is1 in point of fact1 nothing more nor less than the law1 written and unwritten1 which regulates the society of civilized people1 distinguishing them from the communities of barbarous tribes1 whose lives are hard and their manners still harder4 ,it is to a well disciplined and refined mind the fundamental principle of action in all intercourse with society1 and they are interested in maintaining it in its integrity1 and bound to heed and obey its simplest as well as more formal precepts4 ,the real law-giver is the general convenience1 speaking with authority and the experience of many years2 and it will be found that even in those cases1 where the meaning of its rules may be somewhat obscure at first sight1 there is an underlying reason for the regulation laid down4 ,etiquette1 like every other human institution1 is of course liable to abuse2 it may be transformed from a convenient and wholesome means of producing universal comfort into an inconvenient and burdensome restraint upon freedom and ease4 ,it may become the first consideration1 instead of more properly the second1 as is often the case with the instrumental accompaniment to a song1 and then it becomes1 as does the accompaniment1 an intolerable nuisance4 ,the mere form1 over-riding and hiding the spirit which should control and guide it2 an entirely artificial state of things1 taking the place of the natural1 must inevitably produce discomfort and extravagance of behavior4 ,nature is thus made the slave of ,art1 instead of ,art taking its proper place as the handmaid to ,nature4 ,etiquette1 to be perfect1 therefore1 must be like a perfectly fitting garment1 which1 beautifying and adorning the person1 must yet never cramp or restrain perfect freedom of movement4 ,any visible restraint will mar its grace1 as a wrinkle will mar the pure outline of the garment4 ,most people have heard of the gentleman 787 who was perfect in his knowledge of the laws of etiquette1 and who1 seeing a man drowning1 took off his coat and was about to plunge into the water to rescue him1 when he suddenly remembered that he had never been introduced to the struggling victim1 and resuming his coat1 tranquilly proceeded upon his way4 ,not less absurd are a thousand instances where a regard for formal mannerism takes the place of the easy grace that is the mark of true politeness1 which being well acquired and habitual1 is never obtrusive or offensively prominent4 ,too rigid an observance of the laws of etiquette makes them an absurdity and a nuisance4 ,but1 because the laws of etiquette may be made a restraint under injudicious management1 it does not follow that they should be disregarded or in any way set aside4 ,the abuse of them is no argument against them1 any more than gluttony is any reason for starvation4 ,it is not the food that is in fault1 but the excess of the person partaking of it4 ,the fault must be laid wholly and solely at the door of those who misunderstand the use and intention of really sound and excellent precepts4 ,the extravagance of an overdisplay of etiquette is really only another form of innate vulgarity1 although there are instances which may be drawn from the side of over refinement1 from the history of people and societies1 who become extravagant in their devotion to what they deem good breeding1 simply because1 like the stars that looked down upon ,molly ,bawn1 they'd nothing else to do4 ,there are to be found1 even in grave history--amid the records of war1 treaties1 conquests1 administrations and revolutions-- accounts given in equally grave language of deep questions of etiquette which seem to have been debated and settled with as much care and energy as the most serious questions of state affairs4 ,cases of this sort are announced and well founded4 ,whoever likes to see the extent to which attention was given to the subject can seek instances in the memoirs of public characters who lived in the seventeenth century1 in the diaries of minute detailers like the ,duke de ,st4 ,simon1 ,page to ,his ,most ,christian ,majesty1 ,louis the ,fourteenth2 like ,sir ,john ,finett1 ,master of ,ceremonies to ,charles the ,first1 and in the domestic histories of the courtiers and grandees of the ,spanish and ,venetian courts4 ,fortunately1 the time has gone by when nice questions about trifling points of etiquette served to light the flame of civil war1 as once they did in ,france1 and to set the whole of the upper class in a kingdom in arms4 ,we owe this1 perhaps1 as much to the general increase of civilization as to the working of any particular set of rules or system4 ,but the principle which actuated the ,french nobility1 at the time alluded to1 is an inherent one in the human mind1 and would be likely to repeat itself in some shape or another1 not so violently perhaps1 but still to repeat itself1 were it not kept in check by the known laws of society4 ,mr4 ,buckle tells us that as late as the reign of ,louis the ,fourteenth1 the right to sit in the presence of the ,french king was considered to be a matter of such gravity that in comparison with it a mere struggle for liberty faded into insignificance4 ,there was a perpetual striving which should be accounted greatest4 ,according to the old code of etiquette1 a duke's wife might sit in the ,french queen's presence1 but no one under that rank could do so4 ,a combination of marquises1 counts1 and other nobles was formed and wrung from the hand of ,louis the ,fourteenth1 this concession that the ladies of the house of ,bouillon might sit in the presence of the queen4 ,but this was fuel to the fire of the combined noblemen's anger2 two hostile parties were formed1 and the question of etiquette was nearly being decided by the sword4 ,it required all the tact and statesmanship of ,mazarin to prevent this1 and in the end the right was conceded to three of the most distinguished ladies of the lower aristocracy1 to sit down in the presence of the queen4 ,upon this1 the superior nobility summoned their adherents to ,paris1 and really a severe struggle followed1 which ended in the last mentioned concession being revoked2 and so great was the importance attached to the revocation that nothing would satisfy the nobles short of the public withdrawal being drawn up in a state paper1 signed by the queen's regent1 countersigned by the four secretaries of state1 and conveyed to the assembly of nobles by four marshals of ,france4 ,the ,french memoirs of this period 7the seventeenth century7 abound with references to just such questions of court etiquette2 who might use an arm-chair at court2 who was to be invited to the royal dinner2 who might be kissed by the queen2 what degree of nobility entitled a man to be driven to the ,louvre in a coach2 whether all dukes were equal1 or whether1 as some thought1 the ,duke de ,bouillon1 having once possessed the sovereignty of ,sedan1 was superior to the ,duke de la ,rochefoucauld1 who had never possessed any sovereignty at all2 who should give the king his napkin at dinner1 and who might have the honor of assisting at the toilet of the queen4 ,the question whether the ,duke de ,beaufort ought or ought not to enter the council chamber before the ,duke de ,nemours1 and whether1 being there1 he ought or ought not to sit above him1 caused a violent quarrel between the two dukes in #afeb1 a quarrel which1 of course1 ended in a duel1 and the death of the ,duke de ,nemours4 ,the equally grave question1 whether a duke should sign before a marshal was violently disputed between the ,duke de ,rohan and one of the marshals of ,henry the ,fourth1 and the king was obliged to interfere in the matter4 ,these1 of course1 are but so many instances of the principle of etiquette carried to an extravagant length1 and simply prove the danger there is in allowing things of less importance to supersede or take the precedence of those of greater weight4 ,they serve to explain1 and in some measure to excuse the denunciatory expressions which many thoroughly well-bred people use against etiquette1 such expressions being1 as before suggested1 merely protests uttered in anticipation of a repetition of the absurdity which over-attention to ceremonies is liable to introduce4 ,but such cases are really no argument against etiquette itself1 without deference to which it would be impossible to live in anything like freedom from annoyance from persons naturally impertinent1 or in the full enjoyment of that social liberty which every one has a right to expect4 ,good breeding is1 as ,lord ,chesterfield well says1 the result of much good sense1 some good nature1 and a little self-denial for the sake of others1 and with a view to obtain the same indulgence from them4 ,lord ,bacon1 in his admirable essay on ,ceremonies1 says3 ,not to use ceremonies at all1 is to teach others not to use them again1 and so diminisheth respect to himself2 especially they be not to be omitted to strangers and formal natures2 but the dwelling upon them1 and exalting them above the moon is not only tedious1 but doth diminish the faith and credit of him that speaks4 ,to quote again from ,lord ,chesterfield1 who says3 ,good sense and good nature suggest civility in general2 but in good breeding there are a thousand little delicacies which are established only by custom4 ,it is precisely these little delicacies which constitute the difference between politeness and etiquette4 ,politeness is that inborn regard for others which may dwell in the heart of the most ignorant boor1 but etiquette is a code of outward laws which must be learned by the resident in good society1 either from observation or the instruction of others4 ,it is a poor argument used against etiquette that it is not truthful1 and that uncouth manners are more frank and sincere than polished and refined ones4 ,is truth then a hedgehog1 always #c bristling and offensive4 ,cannot truth be spoken in courteous accents from a kind1 gentle impulse1 as well as blurted out rudely and giving pain and mortification8 ,it is true that roughness and sincerity often abide together1 but would it destroy the honesty to polish away the roughness8 ,etiquette1 it is sometimes urged1 is used to cloak what is hollow1 unmeaning and false1 yet may it not also drape gracefully what is true1 sincere and important8 ,true politeness must come from the heart1 from an unselfish desire to please others and contribute to their happiness2 when upon this natural impulse is placed the polish of a complete and thorough knowledge of the laws of etiquette1 the manners must be perfect and graceful4 ,etiquette added to natural politeness is as a beautiful jewel upon a tasteful dress4 ,ruskin thus defines a gentleman3 ,a gentleman's first character is that firmness of structure in the body which renders it capable of the most delicate sensation1 and of that structure in the mind which renders it capable of the most delicate sympathies--one may say simply fineness of nature4 ,this is1 of course1 compatible with heroic bodily strength and mental firmness2 in fact1 heroic strength is not conceivable without such delicacy4 ,elephantine strength may drive its way through a forest1 and feel no touch of the boughs1 but the white skin of ,homer's ,atrides would have felt a bent rose leaf1 yet subdue its feelings in glow of battle1 and behave itself like iron4 ,i do not mean to call an elephant a vulgar animal2 but if you think about him carefully1 you will find that his non- vulgarity consists in such gentleness as is possible to elephantine nature2 not in his insensitive hide1 nor in his clumsy foot1 but in the way he will lift his foot if a child lies in his way2 and in his sensitive trunk1 and still more sensitive mind1 and capability of pique on points of honor4444 ,hence it will follow1 that one of the probable signs of high breeding in men generally will be their kindness and mercifulness2 these always indicating more or less firmness of make in the mind4 ,undoubtedly the first law of good breeding is unselfishness1 that thorough forgetfulness of one's own wants and comforts1 and thoughtfulness for the happiness and ease of others1 which is the ,christian gentleman's rule of life2 which makes him yield the easy chair to another older and weaker than himself1 and sit upon a narrow bench1 or perhaps stand up2 which selects for another the choicest portions of the dishes upon the table1 and uncomplainingly dines off what is left2 which hears with smiling interest the well- worn anecdotes of the veteran story-teller2 which gently lifts the little child1 who has fallen1 and comforts the sobbing grief and terror2 which never forgets to endeavor to please others1 and seems1 at least1 pleased with all efforts made to entertain himself4 ,place the code of politeness beside that of vulgarity and see if the one does not contain all virtue1 the other vice4 ,is not good temper virtuous and polite1 bad temper vicious and vulgar8 ,is not self denial virtuous and polite1 selfishness vicious and vulgar8 ,is not truth virtuous and polite1 scandal vicious and vulgar8 ,take every principle in the conventional code of the perfectly well-bred1 and so define it1 and not a virtue is rude4 ,true etiquette1 as we have said before1 is not politeness1 yet it is founded upon the same basis4 ,an ,english author says3 ,etiquette may be defined as the minor morality of life4 ,no observances1 however minute1 that tend to spare the feelings of others1 can be classed under the head of trivialities2 and politeness1 which is but another name for general amiability1 will oil the creaking wheels of life more effectually than any of those unguents supplied by mere wealth or station4 ,to be truly polite1 one must be at once good1 just and generous1 has been well said by a modern ,french writer3 ,true politeness is the outward visible sign of those inward spiritual graces called modesty1 unselfishness1 generosity4 ,the manners of a gentleman are the index of his soul4 ,his speech is innocent1 because his life is pure2 his thoughts are direct1 because his actions are upright2 his bearing is gentle1 because his blood1 and his impulses1 and his training are gentle also4 ,a true gentleman is entirely free from every kind of pretence4 ,he avoids homage1 instead of exacting it4 ,mere ceremonies have no attractions for him4 ,he seeks not only to say civil things1 but to do them4 ,his hospitality1 though hearty and sincere1 will be strictly regulated by his means4 ,his friends will he chosen for their good qualities and good manners2 his servants for their thoughtfulness and honesty2 his occupations for their usefulness1 or their gracefulness1 or their elevating tendencies1 whether moral1 or mental1 or political4 ,and so we come round again to our first maxims1 i4e41 that 'good manners are the kindly fruit of a refined nature4' ,and if this be true of mankind1 how still more true is it of womankind6 ,granted that truthfulness1 gracefulness1 considerateness1 unselfishness1 are essential to the breeding of a true gentleman1 how infinitely essential must they be to the breeding of a true lady6 ,that her tact should be even readier1 her sympathies even tenderer1 her instinct even finer than those of the man1 seems only fit and natural4 ,in her politeness1 prevcyance1 and all the minor observances of etiquette1 are absolutely indispensable4 ,she must be even more upon her guard than a man in all those niceties of speech1 look and manner1 which are the especial and indispensable credentials of good breeding4 ,every little drawing-room ceremonial1 all the laws of society1 the whole etiquette of hospitality must be familiar to her4 ,and even in these points1 artificial though they be1 her best guide after all1 is that kindness of heart which gives honor where honor is due1 and which is ever anxious to spare the feelings and prejudices of others4 ,every mistress of a house1 be it remembered1 is a minor sovereign1 upon whose bounty the comfort1 and happiness1 and refinement of her little court depends4 ,she must take especial care that her servants are capable1 well trained and reliable1 and that her domestic arrangements are carried on as noiselessly and easily as if by machinery4 ,in a well ordered house the machinery is always in order1 and always works out of sight4 ,no well-bred woman talks of her servants1 of her dinner arrangements1 or the affairs of her nursery4 ,one feels these matters to be under her surveillance1 and that fact alone is a guarantee of their good management4 ,the amusements and comforts of her guests are provided for without discussion or comment2 and whatever goes wrong is studiously withheld from the conversation of the drawing-room4 ,and let no lady1 however young1 however beautiful1 however gifted1 for one moment imagine that the management of her house can be neglected with impunity4 ,if she is rich enough to provide an efficient housekeeper1 well and good2 but1 even so1 the final responsibility must still rest upon her1 and her alone4 ,no tastes1 no pleasures must stand in the way of this important duty2 and even if that duty should at first seem irksome1 the fulfillment of it is sure to bring its own reward4 ,the very atmosphere of the house proclaims the mistress4 ,the servants wear a cheerful air1 and meet you with candid and friendly faces2 the rooms are tastefully furnished2 an irreproachable cleanliness and neatness reign around4 ,the unexpected guest finds an orderly table and an unembarrassed welcome4 ,in such a house1 scandal finds no favor1 and conversation never degenerates into gossip4 ,in such a home1 peace and plenty and goodwill are permanent household gods4 ,the most perfect law of politeness1 the safest and surest guide in all that pertains to the true definition of a gentleman or lady is1 after all1 the ,christian rule3 ,do unto others as you would others should do unto you4 ,no one with this for a guide can ever fail in true1 genuine politeness1 and that politeness will soon lead him to learn and remember all the prevailing rules of established etiquette4 ,,introductions4 ,,never introduce people to each other unless you are sure the acquaintance so commenced will be mutually agreeable4 ,a person who1 from youth1 social position or any other cause1 stands in the inferior position of the two persons to be introduced to each other1 must be introduced to the superior4 ,a gentleman is always to be introduced to a lady1 never a lady to a gentleman4 ,at a ball1 it is the part of the host and hostess to make introductions amongst the guests2 but guests may with perfect propriety introduce friends to each other4 ,gentlemen must never introduce friends to ladies1 without first obtaining special permission to do so1 and this permission should be always granted1 unless there is a very strong reason for the refusal4 ,the ,french1 and in a great measure the ,english1 dispense with introductions at a private ball4 ,it is taken for granted that the hostess has invited to her ball only such people as are fit to be mutually acquainted1 and the fact that they have been invited to meet each other is a sufficient warrant for self-introduction4 ,this practice saves a great deal of trouble1 but it applies only to balls in private houses4 ,at any public ball1 partners must be introduced to each other2 indeed it is better for ladies at such entertainments1 to dance only with the gentlemen of their own party1 or with whom they had a previous acquaintance4 ,special introductions may1 however1 be made with propriety by the master of ceremonies4 ,when introducing two gentlemen1 look first to the elder1 or1 if there is any difference in social standing1 to the superior1 and with a slight bow say to him3 ,allow me to introduce my friend1 ,mr4 ,jones1 to you2 then turning to your friend1 repeat his name1 and follow it by that of the gentleman to whom he is introduced1 thus3 ,mr4 ,smith1 allow me to introduce my friend1 ,mr4 ,jones1 to you4 ,mr4 ,jones1 ,mr4 ,smith4 ,in introducing a gentleman to a lady1 bow slightly to the latter1 saying1 ,miss---1 allow me to introduce ,mr4---2 ,mr4---1 7bowing to him7 ,miss---4 ,when several persons are introduced to one1 it is sufficient to name the single individual once1 repeating all the names of the others1 thus3 ,mr4 ,johnson1 allow me to introduce ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,james1 ,miss ,smithson1 ,mr4 ,lewis1 ,mr4 ,johnson1 bowing slightly to each when named4 ,shaking hands after an introduction has taken place is merely optional1 not necessary2 and is forbidden to an unmarried lady to whom a gentleman is introduced4 ,a bow is all that etiquette requires4 ,in introducing young persons to elder ones of good social standing1 it is often a kindly act of encouragement for the latter to shake hands1 with a few cordial words4 ,it is not necessary to introduce people who meet at your house on morning calls1 though it may be done with propriety if the introduction has been previously ascertained to be mutually pleasant4 ,it is optional after such an introduction1 with the parties introduced1 to continue or drop the acquaintance so formed4 ,without a formal introduction1 the merely meeting at the house of a mutual friend1 does not warrant any future recognition4 ,it rests1 however1 after an introduction with the lady1 if between lady and gentleman1 with the married or elder lady1 if between lady and lady1 and with the elder1 if between gentlemen1 to continue or drop the acquaintance4 ,gentlemen who meet at the house or rooms of a mutual friend are not obliged to recognize one another if they meet again elsewhere4 ,there is no rule forbidding their doing so1 if agreeable to both parties1 but there is no requirement of etiquette obliging them to appear as if they had even met before4 ,a lady is not obliged to afterwards recognize a partner with whom she may have danced at a ball4 ,it is entirely optional with her to do so or not2 and if she has danced several times with the gentlemen1 it will be a question between her and her conscience how far she may consider herself justified in passing by without notice one who has extended to her so much courtesy at a ball4 ,etiquette1 however1 does not require even the slightest recognition4 ,when strangers in a city are introduced to residents it is customary to name the place from which they come1 thus3 ,allow me to introduce to you my friend ,mr4 ,schmidt1 from ,germany4 ,mr4 ,schmidt1 ,mr4 ,popking2 or if introducing a traveller1 ,allow me to introduce my friend ,mr4 ,robinson1 lately returned from ,egypt4 ,a pleasant opening is thus offered for conversation1 and a foreigner may have the pleasure of a salutation in his own language4 ,an important duty in introducing friends is to pronounce the name of each party clearly and distinctly1 that no error or necessity for repetition may occur4 ,it is often a positive kindness to take advantage of the etiquette which dispenses with introductions at morning calls4 ,many a witty1 talented person has had a stupid bore pursue him upon such an introduction1 and even the one necessary conversation following an introduction is a painful effort1 owing to the entire uncongeniality of the parties introduced4 ,a friend visiting at your house must be introduced to all callers1 who are bound to continue the acquaintance as long as the friend is your guest4 ,so1 if when calling upon a friend1 you are introduced to a visitor1 you are bound to extend all courtesies and attentions which you would desire paid to your visitors in similar circumstances4 ,introductions1 given at a party to a stranger visiting in a city1 must be followed by recognition as long as the visit continues4 ,if1 when walking with one friend1 you should meet another1 it is not necessary to introduce them2 indeed1 you should not do so without special reason for it4 ,never1 even after an introduction1 start a long conversation1 unless all continue the walk in the same direction4 ,should you1 when walking with a friend1 meet a lady who desires to speak to you1 your friend must stop with you1 yet an introduction under such circumstances does not exact any future recognition4 ,sisters1 brothers or other relatives may always be introduced to friends when met casually4 ,if friends meet at public places of amusement and are accompanied by strangers1 introductions are not required by etiquette1 and if made do not oblige any future acquaintance4 ,it is not necessary to have an introduction in order to pay your respects to the ,president of the ,united ,states1 excepting that of the master of ceremonies at the receptions4 ,he will receive your card and present you4 ,for a private interview it is better to be introduced by a ,senator or a member of the ,house of ,representatives4 ,in visiting foreign courts1 introductions are more a matter of ceremony than in this country4 ,if you wish to obtain an introduction to the ,emperor of ,france1 you must address your request to the ,grand ,chamberlain1 which may be done personally or by letter4 ,your statement that you are an ,american citizen1 and a reference to the ,american ,consul will procure you an interview4 ,punctuality to the hour appointed for the interview is essential1 and ladies present themselves in full dress2 gentlemen in a dress suit of black1 white vest1 gloves and neck-tie4 ,the ceremony of presentation will be explained before you are presented4 ,in the ,english court1 the ladies must be presented by a lady2 gentlemen by a gentleman4 ,strangers must have credentials from the ,consul before they can be introduced4 ,if at a dinner1 a ball1 or upon any occasion you are introduced1 at a friend's house1 to one with whom you are not on good terms1 though it be your bitterest enemy1 etiquette requires you to salute him or her courteously1 and make no sign of resentment whilst under your friend's roof4 ,if you are introduced as a petitioner to any one in authority1 that introduction does not authorize you in claiming an acquaintance afterwards4 ,never introduce persons who may be related to you1 without calling their full name4 ,it is done very often1 even amongst well-bred people1 from thoughtfulness1 as1 ,mrs4 ,james1 allow me to introduce my cousin ,frank2 ,frank1 ,mrs4 ,james1 and poor ,mrs4 ,james is left entirely ignorant of cousin ,frank's name4 ,the proper way is to name the relationship and also the surname of the relative4 ,if you introduce a brother or sister even1 marriage may have changed the name of one4 ,you should say3 ,mrs4 ,james1 allow me to introduce to you my sister1 ,miss ,curtis2 ,miss ,curtis1 ,mrs4 ,james4 ,if you are introduced to the relative of a friend1 etiquette requires you to consider that relative an acquaintance1 unless there is some special reason to the contrary4 ,it is best to avoid introductions in a public conveyance1 as few people like to have their names called out in such places4 ,if such introductions are made1 however1 it should be done as quietly as possible4 ,to introduce to a friend a person who is in any way objectionable1 is an insult which fully justifies a withdrawal of friendship4 ,a gentleman should always raise his hat1 if introduced in the street1 to either lady or gentleman4 ,if introducing a foreigner or a gentleman in this country1 whose position gives him an honorary title1 always give the title4 ,thus1 if a member of ,congress1 meeting a ,german baron at your house1 you introduce them1 you say3 ,mr4 ,somers1 allow me to introduce to you my friend1 the ,baron von ,schmidt2 ,baron von ,schmidt1 the ,honorable ,mr4 ,somers4 ,,letters ,,of ,,introduction4 ,,letters of introduction should never be given1 except to persons well known to the person introducing them1 and addressed to those only who have a long-standing friendship for the writer4 ,amongst persons but slightly acquainted1 such letters are not only foolish but positively dangerous1 as you may thus give your countenance to those who will take advantage of your carelessness to bring you into mortifying1 if not disgraceful positions4 ,even amongst friends of long standing they should be given very cautiously and sparingly1 as it is a great responsibility to send to your friend a visitor who may prove disagreeable1 and you have no right whatever to call upon comparative strangers to extend hospitality or courtesy to your friends4 ,letters of introduction should always be as short and concise as possible4 ,if you wish to send any information to your friends about their visitor1 send it in a separate letter by mail4 ,the utmost brevity is of importance in the letter of introduction1 as it is usually read in the presence of the party introduced1 and the pause must necessarily be awkward4 ,you may in a letter of introduction use a few words of warm1 cordial feeling toward your friend1 but praise of any kind is in as bad taste as it would be at a personal introduction4 ,this rule1 however1 does not apply to letters introducing applicants for favor1 office or position1 which latter come more strictly under the head of letters of recommendation than merely letters of introduction4 ,letters of introduction must be left unsealed invariably2 they should be folded and addressed like any other letter1 but it is a gross breach of etiquette to prevent the bearer from reading what you may have said of him to your friend4 ,it is optional with the bearer to seal such letters before delivery1 but it is customary to leave them open4 ,a letter of introduction should not1 unless circumstances make it absolutely unavoidable1 be delivered in person4 ,it should be sent1 with the card of the person introduced1 to the person to whom it is addressed1 by a servant4 ,the person receiving it should then call at once or send a written invitation to his house1 and the person introduced may then call in person4 ,if1 however1 the stay in the city is very short1 these formalities must be omitted1 and the person introduced call in person1 sending in his letter and card by a servant4 ,business letters of introduction should mention the errand and business of the party introduced1 and if your own acquaintance is of recent date1 mention by whom your were yourself introduced4 ,letters introducing professional artists may contain a few words expressive of the pleasure conferred by the talent or skill of the person introduced4 ,letters of introduction soliciting favors should be but seldom given1 and never unless the claims upon both parties interested are very strong4 ,there is no rule of etiquette prescribing the exact amount of attention required to be shown to the bearer of a letter of introduction by the person to whom it is addressed4 ,a thousand circumstances of time1 place1 position1 leisure and disposition of the parties must control this1 but as a rule1 the most generous hospitality and courtesy it is possible to give1 should be extended to your friend's friend4 ,it is a compliment to both the bearer and the writer of the letter4 ,la ,fontaine says3 ,a letter of introduction is a draft at sight1 and you must cash it4 ,it might be added1 ,you must cash it in full1 never allowing the courtesy exchange to be against the presenter of the draft4 ,letters of introduction should bear upon the envelope the name and address of the party introduced1 written in the left hand corner-- thus3 ,,john ,,jones1 ,,esq41 ,no4 #gad --- ,street1 ,philadelphia4 ,introducing ,l4 ,f4 ,townsend1 ,esq41 of ,troy4 ,letters of introduction to and from business men1 for business purposes1 may be delivered by the bearers in person1 and etiquette does not require the receiver to entertain the person introduced as the private friend of the writer4 ,good nature and native courtesy would suggest some attentions1 which could be increased according to the pleasure conferred or received1 but it is entirely optional4 ,letters of introduction are very useful to travellers1 or those about to change their place of residence2 care1 however1 should be especially taken in the latter case to present persons to each other only1 who will prove mutually agreeable1 as it is surely no friendly act to force upon your friends a life-long acquaintance1 perhaps with uncongenial persons4 ,a form is given for an ordinary letter of introduction1 to be varied according to circumstances1 always bearing in mind that brevity is essential1 long acquaintance necessary1 and some claim on both parties important1 before giving any letters of introduction to your friends and acquaintances4 ,new ,york1 ,august #ab1 #ahfi4 ,,james ,,wilcox1 ,,esq41 ,dear ,sir3--,allow me to introduce to you my friend1 ,mr4 ,loving1 who will make a brief visit to your city4 ,any attention you may be able to show him1 during his stay1 will be appreciated as a favor by1 ,yours sincerely1 ,e4 ,b4 ,lyons4 7,to be directed7 ,,james ,,wilcox1 ,,esq41 ,no4 #bjd --- ,street1 ,washington1 ,d4,c4 ,introducing ,f4 ,g4 ,loving1 ,esq41 of ,new ,york4 ,in receiving such a letter1 bear in mind the courtesy extended is really a compliment to the writer of the letter1 and such hospitality and courtesy as you extend you are entitled to claim again for your own friends at some future time4 ,if you are in a position to do so1 you should follow your first call by an invitation to dinner1 or to meet friends in the evening1 and if the new comer is a stranger in the city1 select such friends to meet him or her1 as will prove agreeable and valuable acquaintances4 ,if your are a bachelor or boarding1 and cannot extend the hospitalities of a home1 offer your services as guide to points of interest in the city1 places of public amusement1 in short1 extend any courtesy your purse or leisure time will warrant4 ,it is contrary to etiquette for the bearer of a letter of introduction to visit too frequently the house to which he has just been introduced4 ,the fact that ,mr4 ,smith is your only friend in town1 and has been cordial in his invitations to make his house your home1 does not justify you in pulling too frequently at ,mr4 ,smith's door-bell1 or presenting yourself at unseasonable hours in ,mrs4 ,smith's drawing-room4 ,in travelling abroad it is impossible to have too many letters of introduction4 ,they take up but little room in a trunk1 but their value when you find yourself a stranger in a strange land1 cannot be over-estimated4 ,,salutes ,,and ,,salutations4 ,,in this country men do not embrace each other1 nor do they exchange kisses1 while1 unless amongst intimate friends1 even the fair sex now dispense with demonstrative salutations4 ,in many ,european countries kisses are exchanged1 even between gentlemen1 and an embrace is quite in accordance with even a somewhat formal salutation4 ,in ,america1 however1 these demonstrations are mostly confined to gushing misses and school-girls4 ,men in this country acknowledge an introduction by extending the right hand in greeting--the whole hand--for it is positively insulting to offer two fingers1 as some under-bred snobs will sometimes do1 and it is almost as bad to extend the left hand1 unless two persons are introduced at the same time1 or the right hand is useless or occupied2 in any such case apologize for the hand extended4 ,the right hand is the sword hand1 and its extension to a friend is emblematic as a proof of peace1 and as a safeguard against treachery4 ,in offering the hand to a friend in the house1 always remove the glove1 and grasp the hand given in return firmly for a moment4 ,in the street1 however1 the glove may be retained1 if it would cause an awkward pause to remove it2 but always in such a case apologize for the covered hand4 ,in shaking hands1 do not try to wring them off the wrists1 nor press them as in a vise1 nor pull them as though they were bell handles1 nor fling the two together with violence1 so as to cause a report4 ,let the palms grasp each other firmly1 but without any display of energy1 and shake the hand moderately for a moment1 then release it4 ,mr4 ,pecksniff was wont to clasp his left hand over his dear friend's right hand1 resting in his own right4 ,this practice may be very effective1 from a scenic point of view1 but it is not countenanced by any rule of etiquette4 ,a lady must first recognize a gentleman by bowing before he is at liberty to salute her4 ,she is the sole judge of the propriety of recognizing him at all1 and etiquette requires the strictest deference to her desire in this respect4 ,should she recognize him1 he should raise his hat a little from his head1 with the hand furthest from her1 and return her salutation with a slight inclination of the body4 ,he may not obtrude himself upon her notice even if he thinks she has not observed him4 ,a lady should never stop in the street to salute a gentleman friend1 nor may a gentleman join a lady in the street4 ,should a lady1 however1 stop in meeting a gentleman1 etiquette requires him to stop also1 no matter how great his haste4 ,if he is really unable to stop any time1 he must at least pause long enough to state this fact1 and apologize for leaving her in such haste4 ,when a lady wishes to end a conversation in the street1 she should bow slightly1 and the gentleman must at once take his leave4 ,if a lady resumes her walk without any pause in the conversation1 a gentleman is then at liberty to join her in her promenade4 ,married ladies are allowed more freedom in such matters than unmarried ones4 ,it is against all established laws of etiquette for young unmarried ladies to do more than bow to gentlemen in the street1 unless the fact of relationship allows some violation of strict etiquette4 ,unless related1 or upon terms of intimate friendship with a gentleman1 a lady should never salute excepting by a slightly formal bow4 ,a nod is vulgar1 even when exchanged by intimate friends4 ,in her own house1 however1 a lady should extend her hand in salutation to every guest who crosses her threshold4 ,froissart1 that charmingly quaint writer1 tells of the dame of ancient days thus3 ,when ,sir ,walter ,manny and his men returned from a successful sortie out of ,henneboune1 the chronicle tells us1' ,the ,countess de ,montfort came down from the castle to meet them1 and with a most cheerful countenance kissed ,sir ,walter ,manny and all his companions1 one after the other1 like a noble and valiant dame4' ,modern etiquette would hardly speak in praise of such a lady in the current year4 ,on horseback a lady salutes by bowing slightly4 ,a gentleman1 grasping reins and whip in his left hand1 raises his hat slightly with his right1 at the same time inclining the body forward4 ,he may not1 however1 join a lady riding1 unless she is escorted only by a groom1 and then he must first request permission to do so4 ,never will a gentleman so far imitate a vulgar clown as to smack a friend on the back1 poke him in the ribs1 or by clapping his hand upon his shoulder4 ,it is equally bad taste to use a familiar shout1 or ,hullo1 old boy6 or any other ,hail fellow1 well met phrase of salutation4 ,if a gentleman salutes another by mistake1 even if he has given him an unceremonious slap or poke1 it is etiquette to treat the offender with the utmost courtesy4 ,he will probably be sufficiently embarrassed1 when he discovers his error1 without having any blunt speech made to add to his discomfiture4 ,if a gentleman meet a gentleman1 be may salute him by touching his hat without removing it1 but if a lady be with either gentleman both hats must be lifted in salutation4 ,if a gentleman stops to speak to a lady1 in the street1 he must hold his hat in his hand during the interview1 unless she requests him to replace it4 ,with a gentleman friend etiquette does not require this formality4 ,a gentleman may bow to a lady seated at a window1 if he is passing on the street1 but he must not bow from a window to a lady on the street4 ,a gentleman may never offer to shake hands with a lady1 but he must accept such an offer on her part1 taking her hand lightly but firmly in his ungloved right one1 and delicately shaking it for a moment4 ,a pressure is an insult in such a case4 ,in entering a church a gentleman must remove his hat as soon as his foot crosses the threshold of the sacred edifice4 ,travellers will often omit this salutation in visiting churches abroad1 whose faith differs from their own4 ,there is no more certain sign of ill breeding as well as irreverence4 ,a gentleman may always bow to a lady he may meet on a airway1 even if not acquainted4 ,if at the foot of the stairs1 he must bow1 pass her and ascend before her4 ,if at the head of the stairs1 he must bow1 and wait for her to precede him in the descent4 ,if two friends are walking together and meet a friend of one1 a bow is all the salutation etiquette demands2 if1 however1 one of the two stops to speak to the third1 he owes the friend he accompanies an apology for the delay thus occasioned4 ,in entering a room1 a gentleman must take his hat1 cane and gloves in his left hand1 leaving his right hand free for salutation4 ,if a gentleman1 walking with a friend1 meets a lady with whom his friend is acquainted1 he must also bow1 although the lady may be a stranger to him4 ,the bow must be very slight and formal1 merely1 in fact1 a compliment to his friend1 and a mark of respect to the lady4 ,a gentleman must always return a bow made to him in the street1 even if he fails to recognize the person who makes it4 ,it may be a person to whom he has been introduced1 but whose face he has forgotten1 and if it is an error on the part of the other1 a courteous return of the salute will greatly diminish the embarrassment of the mistaken party4 ,in meeting a party of friends with some of whom you are intimately acquainted1 and with some only slightly1 endeavor to make your salutations as equal as possible4 ,a formal bow to one1 and a gushing demonstration of delight over another is a breach of etiquette4 ,be courteous and cordial to all4 ,if a foreigner salute you after the fashion of his own country1 do not draw back or allow yourself to smile1 but strive to put him at his ease by taking no notice of the national salute4 ,kissing in public1 even between intimate lady friends1 is a vulgar parade of affection1 that a truly refined person will shrink from4 ,it is an insult to return a cordial grasp of the hand1 and hearty greeting1 by a cold bow or a flabby extension of a portion of the hand4 ,even if you do not approve of the familiar greeting you should return it with some show of cordiality4 ,the ,countess de --- speaking of salutations1 says3 ,it would seem that good manners were originally the mere expression of submission from the weaker to the stronger4 ,in a rude state of society every salutation is to this day an act of worship4 ,hence the commonest acts1 phrases and signs of courtesy with which we are now familiar1 date from those earlier stages when the strong hand ruled1 and the inferior demonstrated his allegiance by studied servility4 ,let us take for example the words' ,sir' and' ,madam4'' ,sir' is derived from ,seigneur1 ,sieur'1 ,sire1 and originally meant ,lord1 ,king1 ,ruler1 and in its patriarchal sense1 ,father4 ,the title of ,sire was last borne by some of the ancient feudal families of ,france who1 as ,selden has said1 'affected rather to be styled by the name of ,sire than ,baron1 as ,le ,sire de ,montmorenci and the like4' ,madam or ,madame1 corrupted by servants into ',ma'am1' and by ,mrs4 ,gamp and her tribe into' ,mum1' is in substance equivalent to' ,your exalted1' or' ,your ,highness4' ,ma ,dame originally meaning high- born or stately1 and being applied only to ladies of the highest rank4 ,to turn to our every-day forms of salutation4 ,we take off our hats on visiting an acquaintance4 ,we bow on being introduced to strangers4 ,we rise when visitors enter our drawing-room4 ,we wave our hand to our friends as he passes the window1 or drives away from our door4 ,the ,oriental1 in like manner1 leaves his shoes on the threshold when he pays a visit4 ,the natives of the ,tonga ,islands kiss the soles of a chieftain's feet4 ,the ,siberian peasant grovels in the dust before a ,russian noble4 ,each of these acts has a primary1 a historical significance4 ,the very word' salutation' in the first place1 derived as it is from' salutatio1' the daily homage paid by a ,roman client to his patron1 suggests in itself a history of manners4 ,to bare the head was originally an act of submission to gods and rulers4 ,a bow is a modified protestation4 ,a lady's courtesy is a modified genuflexion4 ,rising and standing are acts of homage2 and when we wave our hand to the friend on the opposite side of the street1 we are unconsciously imitating the ,romans who1 as ,selden tells us1 used to stand somewhat off before the images of their gods1 solemnly moving the right hand to the lips and casting it1 as if they had cast kisses4' ,again1 men remove the glove when they shake hands with a lady--a custom evidently of feudal origin4 ,the knight removed his iron gauntlet1 the pressure of which would have been all too harsh for the palm of a fair chatelaine1 and the custom which began in necessity has travelled down to us as a point of etiquette4 ,general salutations of a mixed company are not now in vogue in the best society1 where etiquette requires that we recognize only our own friends and acquaintances4 ,in meeting at a friend's house where you are visiting a circle who are all entire strangers to you1 remember that as mutual friends of the host and hostess you are bound whilst under the same roof to consider yourselves as acquaintances4 ,no spirit of exclusiveness is an apology for a neglect of this1 and no shyness can excuse a withdrawing into a corner1 or clinging to one friend alone in such a circle4 ,,calls4 ,,when ladies have1 according to the ,french custom1 set apart one morning or one evening in the week for receiving callers1 it is a breach of etiquette to call at any other time1 unless a short visit in the city or business that will not admit of delay are the excuses4 ,an hour in the evening1 and from ten to twenty minutes in the morning are the limits for a formal call4 ,when there is no time thus set apart1 formal calls must be paid in the morning1 but with friends of long standing the evening call is not only permissible1 but often far more welcome4 ,morning calls may be made by gentlemen in society upon all the occasions following3 ,in answer to a letter of introduction sent to him1 or to return the call if the letter is personally presented4 ,in return for any hospitality offered to him when visiting another city1 if the entertainer visit his own place of abode4 ,in return for any favor received or courtesy extended to him by another gentleman4 ,in return for an invitation to the house of a friend1 whether the invitation has been accepted or declined1 and this call must be made within the week following that during which the entertainment was given4 ,on any occasion when a grief or a joy calls for expressions of condolence or congratulation in the circle of his friends4 ,to greet the safe return of any friend who has been abroad1 or away from home for any length of time4 ,following any occasion when a lady has accepted his services as an escort1 a gentleman must call to inquire after the health of his fair charge1 and must not delay longer than the day after that upon which he has escorted the lady4 ,after a wedding1 at the time appointed for the reception of friends4 ,when visiting in another city1 upon any friends there1 or upon those to whom letters of introduction have been given4 ,in asking or granting a favor1 a call is demanded by etiquette4 ,the visit or call is a much better institution than the vulgar suppose4 ,it is not without its objections1 consuming valuable time1 and giving occasion for gossip and small talk1 but it is the most agreeable and customary way of turning a mere acquaintance into a friend4 ,in a friendly call much of the restraint of meeting in large assemblies is thrown aside1 mind meets mind much more easily in an easy tete-a-tete conversation1 and the conversation may be allowed to partake somewhat more of a personal character than it could in the ball-room or evening party4 ,first calls require prompt return1 even if you drop the acquaintance before the second one4 ,morning calls must never be earlier than noon1 evening ones never later than nine o'clock4 ,when calling1 if the room seems crowded1 do not prolong your visit4 ,a gentleman may never call with a friend upon a lady1 unless the friend is previously acquainted1 or he has obtained permission of the lady to introduce him4 ,in making a formal call1 a gentleman must retain his hat in his hand4 ,an umbrella or cane may be left in the hall1 never the hat or gloves4 ,if the call is made in the evening1 the hat and gloves must be held until the host or hostess gives an invitation to lay them aside and spend the evening4 ,strict etiquette requires that such an invitation shall not be given1 or if given1 not accepted on the occasion of a first call4 ,in making an informal call in the evening1 a gentleman may leave hat1 gloves1 cane and overcoat in the hall4 ,no gentleman will prolong a call if he finds his host or hostess dressed to go out4 ,a brief visit with a promise to repeat it will place his entertainers at ease1 and even if they urge a longer stay1 the very fact that they were preparing to go out1 proves their desire to do so4 ,a card used in calling must never have anything upon it1 but the name and address of the caller4 ,nothing can show a greater ignorance of the customs of society than to use a business card for a friendly call4 ,a physician may put the prefix ,dr4 or the professional ,m4,d41 upon his card1 and an ,army or ,navy officer his rank and branch of service4 ,thus a civilian's card must be simply3 ,,james ,,lawton1 #dag ,l--- ,street4 ,a physician's3 ,,dr4 ,,jerome ,,hayes1 #bah ,t--- ,street1 or ,,jerome ,,hayes1 ,m4,d4 ,an ,army officer's3 ,,lieut4 ,,james ,,bennett1 ,u4 ,s4 ,a4 ,an ,naval officer's3 ,,lieut4 ,,henry ,,keyser1 ,u4,s4,n4 ,in receiving a gentleman caller1 a gentleman meets him at the door1 takes his hat and cane1 and places a chair for him1 but a lady does not leave her seat to receive a gentleman1 slightly rising to bow1 and resuming her place again when her visitor is seated2 in receiving another lady1 a lady should rise and advance to meet her1 also rise and accompany her to the door when leaving1 unless she has other callers1 in which case1 she is not required to leave her place1 only standing to bid her caller farewell4 ,an ,english authority gives some excellent directions for calling upon occasions of congratulation or condolence4 ,he says3 ,visits of condolence and congratulation must be made about a week after the event4 ,if you are intimate with the person upon whom you call1 you may ask1 in the first case1 for admission2 if not1 it is better to leave only a card1 and make your kind inquiries of the servant1 who is generally primed in what manner to answer them4 ,in visits of congratulation you should always go in1 and be hearty in your congratulations4 ,visits of condolence are terrible inflictions to both receiver and giver1 but they may be made less so by avoiding1 as much as is consistent with sympathy1 any allusion to the past4 ,the receiver does well to abstain from tears4 ,a lady of my acquaintance1 who had lost her husband1 was receiving such a visit in her best crape4 ,she wept profusely for sometime upon the best broad-hemmed cambric handkerchiefs1 and then turning to her visitor said3 ',i am sure that you will be glad to hear that ,mr4 ,b4 has left me most comfortably provided for4' ,hinc illae lachrymae4 ,perhaps they would have been more sincere if he had left her without a penny4 ,at the same time1 if you have not sympathy and heart enough to pump up a little condolence1 you will do better to avoid it1 but take care that your conversation is not too gay4 ,whatever you may feel you must respect the sorrows of others4 ,on marriage1 cards are sent round to such people as you wish to keep among your acquaintances1 and it is then their part to call first on the young couple1 when within distance4 ,a lady when calling keeps her parasol in her hand1 and is not required to remove her glove4 ,no dog1 however dear or interesting1 can be admitted to the drawing-room1 and it is bad taste to have one follow you from home1 if you intend to make calls4 ,it is better for a lady not to have a child with her when paying calls1 unless it is trained to sit silent1 or old enough to behave with quiet propriety4 ,it is a sign of low-breeding to fidget with the hat1 cane or parasol during a call4 ,they are introduced merely as signs that the caller is in walking dress1 and are not intended1 the hat to be whirled round the top of the cane1 the cane to be employed in tracing out the pattern of the carpet1 or the parasol to be tapped on the teeth1 or worse still1 sucked4 ,it is in bad taste for a caller to preface his or her departure by consulting a watch1 remarking1 ,now ,i must go1 or insinuating that the hostess is weary of the visitor4 ,rise when ready to go1 and express your pleasure at finding your friends at home1 followed by a cordially expressed desire for a speedy meeting again4 ,pelham said he always withdrew when he said something that produced a sensation1 because he knew he must leave such an impression as would make people wish to see him again4 ,the lady of the house should always ring when visitors rise to go1 that a servant may be ready to show them out4 ,when other callers arrive1 it is in bad taste to rise at once as if driven away4 ,let the first caller watch for a favorable opportunity to retire gracefully4 ,if a gentleman calling sees a lady unescorted rise to go1 he may with perfect propriety offer to escort her to her carriage1 even if a stranger1 but he must return again to make his own farewell bow to the hostess4 ,the most trivial subjects are admissible for a call1 and it is not in good taste to discuss deep interests1 political questions or matters of grave moment4 ,if strangers are in the room when a caller rises to leave1 courtesy requires only a slight bow in passing4 ,when calling1 etiquette requires that a card be sent up4 ,it will show that you have called1 and if friends are at home1 will prevent any confusion from mispronunciation of your name by the servant4 ,when the lady of the house is not at home1 a card must be left1 and if there are two or more ladies1 the turning down of one corner of the card signifies that the call was intended for all the family1 ,if cards to be left preparatory to leaving town1 the initials p4 p4 c4 7pour prendre conge199 or1 presents parting compliments71 must be written in the left hand corner4 ,if the departure is a hurried one1 the card may be sent by a servant1 but it is in better taste to leave it in person4 ---- 99 ,to take leave4 ----- ,cards sent during the illness of any member of the family to whom they are sent1 must be accompanied by verbal inquiries regarding the patient's health4 ,the same rule applies to the survivors when cards of condolence are sent4 ,cards may be left or sent the day after a ball or large evening party4 ,after a dinner party or small social gathering1 cards must be left within the following week4 ,when unable to accept an invitation to dinner1 a call should soon afterwards be made to express regret at the inability to be present4 ,visits of condolence are made within a week after the bereavement1 unless the deceased be one of the immediate family1 when a fortnight may be allowed to intervene4 ,cards may1 however1 be left immediately after the death is known4 ,the first call of a stranger must be returned within a week4 ,married men are not obliged to make calls of ceremony in person4 ,it is sufficient for their wives to leave their cards with their own4 ,residents in a place make the first call upon any new comers4 ,if a lady does not wish to receive visitors1 her servant must be instructed to reply not at home1 to callers4 ,this is not meant to imply that she is out of the house2 merely that she is not home to callers4 ,to say that she is engaged answers the same purpose1 but such answers must be made upon the first inquiry1 for if the visitor is announced1 he or she may conclude the refusal is intended for that especial call4 ,it is not necessary1 nor is it customary in the city1 to offer refreshments to callers4 ,in the country1 especially if the visitors have come from a distance1 it is not only courteous1 but often a positive kindness to do so4 ,if a stranger come to stay at the house of a friend1 those who are in the habit of visiting at the house should call as soon as possible1 and such calls should be returned at the earliest practicable opportunity4 ,a well-bred person should endeavor to be always prepared for callers4 ,if it is impossible1 during the day1 to see your friends1 instruct your servant to deny them at the door1 but if once within house1 no personal inconvenience should prevent you from presenting yourself4 ,illness alone1 either your own1 or that of some one requiring your constant attention1 can then excuse you4 ,a lady should avoid keeping callers waiting4 ,if they call before the hours etiquette has appointed1 it is better to see them in the morning dress than to make them wait for a more elaborate toilet4 ,if there is any fault1 it is their own for intruding at improper hours4 ,persons who do not keep a carriage should not make visits of ceremony in wet weather4 ,it is ill-bred to enter a drawing-room1 with a handsome carpet upon it1 in muddy boots and spattered garments1 to stand a dripping umbrella beside you1 or deposit over-shoes in the hall4 ,never resume your seat after having once left it to say adieu4 ,there is nothing more awkward than to take leave twice4 ,a lady who is receiving morning visits1 may keep some trifling fancy-work in her hand1 if she desires2 but drawing1 music1 writing or any other absorbing occupation must at once be laid aside4 ,in receiving many callers at one time1 a well-bred lady must divide her attentions as equally as possible4 ,a tete-a-tete conversation is a gross breach of etiquette1 and no one may receive any especial notice excepting any elderly person4 ,if1 during a call any contretemps occur1 shorten your visit4 ,your hostess may preserve a smiling serenity while a voice in the distance proclaims that1 ,johnnie has fallen down the stairs1 or ,mary has set the nursery curtains on fire1 but you may be certain she will not resent your departure1 even if you have not been two minutes seated4 ,if you find yourself intruding upon an early dinner hour1 do not prolong your stay4 ,a call may be made upon a friend to whom some good fortune has come1 as promotion in service or other happy event1 even if he has not returned the last of your visits4 ,it is a breach of etiquette1 during a call1 to draw near to the fire to warm your hands and feet1 unless you are invited by the mistress of the house to do so4 ,if you are alone in the drawing- room for a time1 while your visit is announced1 and then go to the fire1 leave your seat and advance to meet the mistress of the house as she enters1 and then take the seat she points out to you4 ,in visiting an invalid1 never offer to go to the room1 but wait for a invitation to do so4 ,a gentleman who is a confirmed invalid1 may receive the visits of a lady friend1 but under no other circumstances4 ,calls made either in person or by card1 during an illness of your own1 must be returned as soon as you are able to go abroad again4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to remove the gloves when making a formal call4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to stare round a room when you are making a call4 ,in paying visits of condolence1 let your dress be subdued4 ,it is offensive to put on your gayest attire to call upon a friend in affliction1 and equally so to converse upon such subjects as balls1 opera or similar amusements4 ,let the mourner decide whether to speak of the recent sorrow or not4 ,a lady who allows remarks to be made upon a caller1 who has just left the room1 commits not only a breach of etiquette1 but a positive rudeness and ill-natured act4 ,it is quite easy to check any such disposition by a grave reserve1 and to turn the conversation at once4 ,calls in the country may be less ceremonious1 and of longer duration than those in the city4 ,it is an ostentation almost unkind for a lady to call upon a friend in reduced circumstances1 with any parade of her own wealth in equipage or dress4 ,no mistress of the house may ever leave the room when there are visitors in it4 ,it is a breach of etiquette for a caller1 who is waiting the entrance of the hostess1 to open the piano1 or to touch it if it is open4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to walk round the room when waiting for your hostess1 examining the furniture or pictures4 ,it is a breach of etiquette for a caller to open or shut a door1 raise or lower a window curtain1 or in any way alter the arrangement of a room4 ,many consider a clock on a drawing-room mantel a breach of etiquette1 as it seems to hint to visitors to keep early hours4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to turn your chair so as to bring your back to any one seated near to you4 ,it is a breach of etiquette when making a call1 to play with any ornament in the room1 finger the furniture or seem indeed to be aware of anything but the company present4 ,to prolong a call to the next meal time is a positive rudeness1 as it forces your hostess to invite you to the table whether convenient and agreeable or not4 ,in calling upon friends at a boardinghouse or a hotel1 always write their names above your own upon your card1 that it may be certain to be delivered to the right person4 ,,conversation4 ,,there are several principal rules of etiquette which must be rigidly observed in conversation1 the non-observance of which will at once stamp the guilty party as ignorant of the forms and customs of polite society4 ,ungrammatical expressions are unfortunately too common even amongst those who have not the excuse of ignorance1 but who fall into the use of them merely from carelessness1 or unconscious imitation of others4 ,says she to me1 and other vulgarisms of a like type1 are also a gross violation of good taste in conversation4 ,the personal pronouns should be used as little as possible when speaking of any one1 either present or absent4 ,the name of the lady or gentleman to whom reference is made should be repeated if necessary1 but under no circumstances should the words she or he1 accompanied by a nod or jerk of the thumb1 in the direction of the person spoken of1 be employed4 ,never talk of any one with whom you may have held intercourse as that party1 or a party of your acquaintance4 ,avoid as utterly hateful the use of slang terms4 ,there are surely words enough in the ,english language to express all the thoughts and ideas of the mind1 and it is a sign of pure vulgarity to employ synonyms1 the only remarkable part of which is that they derive their existence solely from vulgar sources4 ,in a gentleman such expressions are too suggestive of low company1 and intercourse with the worst associates1 and in a lady such expressions are too offensive to be tolerated at all in good society4 ,slang never ornamented conversation1 but it invariably sullies and degrades it4 ,equally to be censured as a violation of etiquette1 and more so in a moral point of view1 is the use of profanity2 it is a sure mark1 not only of low-breeding1 but of a narrow1 degraded if not a positively vicious mind4 ,lamont says3 ,whatever fortune may be made by perjury1 ,i believe there never was a man who made a fortune by common swearing4 ,it often appears that men pay for swearing1 but it seldom happens that they are paid for it4 ,it is not easy to perceive what honor or credit is connected with it4 ,does any man receive promotion because he is a notable blusterer8 ,or is any man advanced to dignity because he is expert at profane swearing8 ,never4 ,low must be the character which such impertinence will exalt3 high must be the character which such impertinence will not degrade4 ,inexcusable1 therefore1 must be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to support it4 ,the drunkard has his cups2 the satirist his revenge2 the ambitious man his preferments2 the miser his gold2 but the common swearer has nothing2 he is a fool at large1 sells his soul for naught1 and drudges in the service of the devil gratis4 ,swearing is void of all plea1 it is not the native offspring of the soul1 nor interwoven with the texture of the body1 nor any how allied to our frame4 ,for1 as ,tillotson expresses it1',though some men pour out oaths as if they were natural1 yet no man was ever born of a swearing constitution4' ,but it is a custom1 a low and paltry custom1 picked up by low and paltry spirits who have no sense of honor1 no regard to decency1 but are forced to substitute some rhapsody of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good sense4 ,hence the silliness of the practice can only be equalled by the silliness of those who adopt it4 ,it is exceedingly rude1 nothing in fact can be more so1 to talk to any one person in the presence of others1 in a language not understood save by the two persons using it--unless you are addressing a foreigner in his own tongue1 and then others should be made aware of the subject discussed4 ,nothing can be in worse taste than to speak in an unknown tongue1 to laugh and joke in a language which leaves the rest of the company in ignorance whether they themselves may not be the subjects of your remarks or mirth4 ,never hold your companion1 in a conversation1 by the buttonhole4 ,if you are obliged to detain him forcibly in order to say what you wish1 you are pressing upon him what is disagreeable or unwelcome1 and you commit a gross breach of etiquette in so doing4 ,to speak to one person in a company in ambiguous terms1 understood by him alone1 as ,g---1 ,i saw ,mr4 ,h41 to-day1 and delivered your message1 is as rude as if you went up to ,g--- and whispered in his ear4 ,do not interlard your conversation with scraps of foreign language4 ,it is an affectation of knowledge in one direction1 and a sort of tacit admission of ignorance in another2 for it would seem to show that the speaker was not well enough acquainted with his own language to be able to express by its aid that which could really be told as well1 perhaps better1 by it than any other4 ,there are certain expressions1 chiefly ,french1 which have become domesticated in the ,english language1 and which may occasionally be employed1 but only when they come in very aptly2 the constant or extended use of them is intolerable in good society4 ,quotations are to be avoided as much as possible4 ,when made1 they should be exceedingly short4 ,there can scarcely be a greater annoyance to a company than for one person to take up all the time and attention by reciting a poem1 a speech1 a passage from a book1 especially if it be the speaker's own book1 speech or poem4 ,of course1 if the company meet especially for mutual enjoyment in elocution or recitation1 this rule does not apply4 ,it is applicable only for general society4 ,short1 pungent1 epigrammatic quotations1 if suitable to the subject of conversation1 may be occasionally introduced1 but their use should be the exception1 not the rule4 ,dr4 ,johnson says that in order to converse well1 there must1 in the first place1 be knowledge--there must be materials2 in the second place1 there must be a command of words2 in the third place1 there must be imagination to place things in such views as they are not commonly seen in2 and in the fourth place1 there must be a presence of mind1 and a resolution that is not to be overcome by failure--this last is an essential requisite2 for want of it many people do not excel in conversation4 ,to be known as an inveterate teller of stories1 is a great injury to a man in society4 ,a short1 brilliant anecdote1 that is especially applicable to the conversation1 known to be new and never printed1 is all that a well-bred man will ever permit himself to inflict4 ,remarks having1 and intended to have1 a double meaning--even puns --are utterly to be deprecated4 ,it is a great liberty to appeal to the private sympathies of any one1 by which ,i mean1 to those qualities or perceptions which are1 as it were1 a man's private property1 available for the use of his intimate friends1 but not for the general public4 ,it seems almost needless to say that under no circumstances whatever are any coarse allusions permissible4 ,trite remarks are simply drags upon conversation1 and may produce awkward effects4 ,it is told of ,charles ,lamb1 that he was one day at dinner at a friend's house1 where amongst a number of literary men was a solitary individual who had been invited for no apparent reason4 ,the poor man thought that1 being in such company1 it behoved him to talk of some one or something literary4 ,in an evil moment he said1 without being conscious of the triteness of his remark3 ,do you not think1 sir1 that ,milton was a great genius8 ,charles ,lamb gazed at him curiously1 rose1 went to the sideboard and lighted a candle1 with which he advanced1 in solemn wise1 to where the trite talker sat1 and said as one who is about to look at some unusual object of interest-holding his candle near the poor man's head the while3 ,will you allow me to examine this gentleman's pericranium8 ,lamb was undoubtedly rude1 but the other gave him enormous provocation4 ,political and religious topics are not in good taste in general conversation4 ,it is almost impossible to avoid strong personal feeling when a difference of opinion arises1 and such discussions almost invariably lead to more warmth of expression and violence of argument than are compatible with the requirements of polite conversation4 ,to listen with interest and attention is as important in polite society as to converse well1 and it is in the character of listener that the elegant refinement of a man accustomed to society will soonest prove itself4 ,no matters how flat1 stale and unprofitable1 the remarks of another may be1 the well-bred man will listen with an appearance at least of interest1 replying in such a manner as to show that he entirely follows the thread of the discourse4 ,avoid as much as possible all egotism2 in conversation stick closely to ,cardinal ,wolsey's direction to love thyself last4 ,it is1 to say the least of it1 unseemly for a man to be constantly making himself the subject of conversation4 ,at times it lays a man open to the attacks which his style certainly invites--as was the case with the egotist who dared to talk much of himself in the presence of ,dr4 ,johnson1 whom he had greatly irritated by his conceited talk4 ,the ,doctor availed himself of an opportunity to crush him4 ,oh1 indeed1 ,i did not know that6 exclaimed the man1 upon some intelligent remark made by one of the company1 whereupon the ,doctor broke in with3 ,sir1 what you do not know would fill a very large library4 ,there used to be a joke against ,lord1 ,erskine1 who was notably a talker of himself1 that the printer1 having to print a speech which his lordship had delivered1 sent word to say that he was very sorry1 but he had no more ',i's' in his founts than would suffice to set up half the speech4 ,the subject of conversation and the method of handling it should be so ordered as not to offend either directly or indirectly4 ,suitable subjects1 for time and place1 form an important consideration in polite conversation4 ,grave tones and important consideration are not suited for the chit-chat of a brief call or a social evening1 nor is small talk an appropriate introduction1 when the meetings are for the purpose of discussing serious matters4 ,let gayety or gravity rule as place and occasion demand4 ,gesticulations are in excessively bad taste4 ,if you do not wish to attract censorious remark1 converse quietly and without gesture4 ,declamation is not conversation4 ,refrain from the use of satire1 even if you are master of the art4 ,it is permissible only as a guard against impertinence1 or for the purpose of checking personalities1 or troublesome intrusions4 ,under no circumstances whatever should it be used merely for amusement's sake1 to produce an effect1 or in order to show off one's own wit4 ,it must never be employed by a gentleman against a lady1 though ladies are prone to indulge in the use of this wordy weapon4 ,their acknowledged position should1 in the eyes of a true gentleman1 shield them from all shafts of satire4 ,if they1 on the other hand1 choose to indulge in satire1 it is the part of a gentleman to remonstrate gently1 and if the invective be continued1 to withdraw4 ,there was a case in point during the ,austro-,prussian war4 ,the ,grand ,duchess of ---1 being visited by a ,prussian ,general on business1 took occasion to pour forth upon him the unmeasured violence of her temper1 which had naturally enough been disturbed by the success that had attended the ,prussian arms1 and had been at the same time so injurious to her husband's interests4 ,the ,prussian ,general remonstrated1 at first mildly2 the invective still flowed1 when the ,general said he would not have believed that a ,prussian officer could have been called upon to endure such abuse from the lips of a high-born lady4 ,still the ,grand ,duchess continuing to ignore the object of the ,general's visit1 and continuing also to pour forth the bitterness of her spirit upon him1 the soldier withdrew1 not returning railing for railing1 but simply declaring that the language used towards him was absolutely intolerable4 ,do not attempt to speak with the mouth full4 ,do not1 however much you may be pleased with any remark1 cry out ,bravo6 clap your hands1 or permit any gesture1 silent or otherwise1 to mark your appreciation of it4 ,a quiet expression of pleasure1 or the smiling lip will show quite as plainly your sense of the wit1 or fitness of the remark4 ,if you are flattered1 repel it by quiet gravity4 ,you cannot accept it without also accepting the contempt of the person who offers it4 ,refrain1 too1 from expressions of flattery to others2 you will surely offend any hearer who has delicacy of feeling and refinement4 ,if an error in language1 either in pronunciation or grammar1 escapes those with whom you are conversing1 never show that you notice it4 ,to take occasion to repeat correctly the same word or phrase1 is ill-bred in the extreme1 and as much so to correct it when spoken4 ,in addressing any one and in general conversation1 it will be well to bear in mind the advice of ,polonius to his son ,laertes3 ,be thou familiar1 but by no means vulgar2 but unless you have special reason1 do not too closely adhere to his precept1 ,give every man thine ear1 but not thy tongue4 ,this will only serve to make you appear reserved and reticent1 when to be so would be not only out of place1 but ill-bred4 ,in society1 a man should make himself as agreeable as he can1 doing his best to assist conversation1 as well by talking gracefully and easily1 as by listening patiently1 even though it be to a twice-told tale4 ,do not whistle1 loll about1 scratch your head1 or fidget with any portion of your dress while speaking4 ',tis excessively awkward1 and indicative of low-breeding4 ,strictly avoid anything approaching to absence of mind4 ,there can be nothing more offensive than a pre-occupied vacant expression1 an evident abstraction of self at the very time you are supposed to be listening attentively to all that is being said to you4 ,lord ,chesterfield said3 ,when ,i see a man absent in mind4 ,i choose to be absent in body4 ,and there was really much reason in the remark4 ,whispering is atrocious1 and cannot be tolerated4 ,it is almost as bad to endeavor to draw one person from a general conversation into a tete-a-tete discussion4 ,private affairs must be delayed for private interviews4 ,if1 however1 you find others have been guilty of this breach of etiquette1 and you are so placed as to overhear what is intended to be a secret communication1 you may with perfect propriety change your seat1 or if this is not practicable1 inform the persons so conversing1 that their voices are audible to you4 ,unless you are actually afflicted with deafness1 never ask to have a sentence repeated4 ,it implies a wandering attention4 ,if your hearing is defective1 say so1 and your companion will raise his voice4 ,never interrupt a speaker4 ,it is equally rude to supply words over which your companion may hesitate a moment4 ,do not be guilty of a rough comment on what has been said1 by such remarks as1 ,yes1 you mean so-and-so4 ,if you understand such to be the meaning of a remark1 act or answer accordingly2 if you are uncertain1 try to find out in some way that will not wound the feelings of the speaker4 ,in general conversation avoid argument4 ,it is too engrossing of attention1 and is moreover apt to break in upon the harmony of the company4 ,if obliged to discuss a point1 do so with suavity1 contradicting1 if necessary1 with extreme courtesy1 and if you see no prospect of agreement1 finishing off with some happy good- natured remark to prove that you are not hurt or offended4 ,when addressing a person1 look in his or her face1 not staringly1 but frankly1 never fixing your eyes on the carpet or your boots4 ,speak clearly and distinctly1 never mumbling your words1 and while avoiding a shouting tone1 speak loudly enough to ensure your remarks being heard4 ,a very low tone of voice will be heard if the words are clearly articulated and spoken slowly enough for perfect distinctness1 and is much more agreeable than hurried1 garbled speech loudly uttered4 ,do not sit too close to your companion in conversation1 and avoid any appearance of wishing secrecy4 ,loud laughing and giggling are in excessively bad taste4 ,do not interrupt yourself by laughing at what you are about to say4 ,eschew scandal1 for in scandal as in robbery1 the receiver is always thought as bad as the thief4 ,mimicry is the lowest and most ill-bred of all buffoonery4 ,swearing1 sneering1 private affairs either of yourself or any other1 have long ago been banished out of the conversation of well-mannered people4 ,never suppose1 or never appear to suppose yourself the subject of the conversation or laugh of the company4 ,bashfulness is an inconvenient quality1 which a great authority has stated to be the distinguishing character of a booby4 ,nicknames are abominable1 and are never allowed in good society4 ,call people and things by their right names1 and avoid affectations of all kinds4 ,if your friends become the subject of conversation1 never compare one with another1 or mention the vices of one to add to the lustre of virtue of the other4 ,find something pleasant to say of each1 that you may not earn the reputation of a backbiter4 ,in conversing with a foreigner1 betray no impatience if he hesitates for a word to express himself1 nor any ridicule if his language is faulty4 ,if you speak his own tongue1 say so when you begin the conversation1 as this is never a mere display of an accomplishment1 but a true kindness to a stranger in a strange land4 ,you are almost certain to give pleasure by so doing4 ,to speak constantly of public characters or distinguished people as your intimate friends1 even if they are so1 is a certain mark of low-breeding4 ,boasting of your own position1 wealth1 luxuries or possessions of any kind is in equally bad taste4 ,never speak to a literary person of his works4 ,you may by an apt quotation or pleasant remark show that you are familiar with them1 but to question an author about his profession is ill bred4 ,it is equally so to speak of business matters to any man in general society4 ,business men do not go into the world of polite society to carry their shop1 and they will not thank you for reminding them of work in their hours of relaxation4 ,do not commence any conversation by the suggestion of painful or disagreeable topics4 ,to ask a friend abruptly1 ,for whom are you in mourning8 may be tearing open anew a wound that was covered for the time by intercourse with society4 ,take other steps to satisfy yourself on this point4 ,by the same token1 do not say to a man1 ,that was an unfortunate affair1 that failure of yours4 ,never1 directly or indirectly1 rub a sore4 ,do not ask questions which relate to the private affairs of the person spoken to1 and be guarded against conduct which may look like an attempt to force confidence4 ,if too persevering in your inquiries you may be treated1 and very properly1 as one might treat a highwayman who sought to rob one of any other property4 ,a man's thoughts are certainly his own most private possession1 and you must be very intimate to seek to be admitted to a share in them4 ,even if you are so1 it is far more delicate to wait until confidence is offered to you4 ,a man has a perfect right to defend himself from cross-examination by any means1 except positive falsehood4 ,in conversing with foreigners do not disparage any of their national customs1 even if they are rude enough to attack yours4 ,you may1 pleasantly and frankly1 defend the institutions of your native land1 but not by comparison with the customs of other countries4 ,if your companion is well-bred1 he will admit that you possibly understand ,american customs better than a foreigner can do2 if he is a low-bred man1 no rudeness on your part will correct his manners or views4 ,subjects or incidents calculated to disgust the hearers1 are to be avoided in polite conversation4 ,there is a positive fascination to some people in describing sickening or revolting scenes1 but well- bred people will remember that some are sensitive upon such subjects1 and all would prefer more agreeable topics4 ,do not use surnames alone1 even if speaking of intimate friends4 ,for a lady to speak of her husband as ,smith or ,jones1 is vulgar in the extreme1 and it is low-bred also to say my husband1 my wife or1 except amongst relatives1 to use the ,christian name only1 in speaking of husband or wife4 ,speak of your own husband or wife as1 ,mr4 or ,mrs4 ,b---1 and of your friends also by the surname prefix as1 ,remember me to ,mr4 or ,mrs4 ,d4 ,let no more than one person be speaking at one time4 ,ridicule and personal joking cannot be too severely censured4 ,avoid an officious offer of advice or your own opinion1 and if you do give an opinion1 be sure it is given as such and not as a fact4 ,if you would preserve a character for truthfulness1 avoid the too common fault of exaggeration4 ,when visiting1 be careful that you do not appear to undervalue anything around you by comparing it with what you have at home4 ,beware of personal abuse or invective4 ,remember what ,shakespeare put into the month of ,cardinal ,wolsey1 when the ,earl of ,surrey said to him on his disgrace3 ,now if you can blush and cry 'guilty' ,cardinal1 ,you'll show a little honesty4 ,mark the proud dignity of the prelate's reply3 ,speak on1 sir2 ,i dare your worst objections3 ,if ,i blush ,it is to see a nobleman want manners4 ,punning is a vulgarism that should be scrupulously avoided4 ,an inveterate punster1 though his play upon words may rise to the keenest wit1 is yet an insufferable bore4 ,no one feels secure in his society1 or can guess what word may be torn out of a serious or brilliant remark to be tortured into a vulgar witticism1 out of place and uncalled for4 ,proverbs are not in good taste when introduced into conversation4 ,scriptural phrases are apt to subject the speaker to a suspicion of insincerity1 and should be used very seldom1 and with the utmost reverence4 ,cant is simply detestable4 ,religion is a subject too apt to lead to long arguments if not to positive altercation to be the subject of general conversation4 ,repartee is not a weapon for every-day use4 ,there are few who can wield this polished blade skillfully1 and when clumsy hands grasp it1 it will wound both speaker and hearer4 ,the talented author of ,good ,society1 says3 ,the great secret of talking well is to adapt your conversation as skillfully as may be to your company4 ,some men make a point of talking commonplace to all ladies alike1 as if a woman could only be a trifler4 ,others1 on the contrary1 seem to forget in what respects the education of a lady differs from that of a gentleman1 and commit the opposite error of conversing on topics with which ladies are seldom acquainted4 ,a woman of sense has as much right to be annoyed by the one1 as a lady of ordinary education by the other4 ,you cannot pay a finer compliment to a woman of refinement and esprit1 than by leading the conversation into such a channel as may mark your appreciation of her superior attainments4 ,it should be remembered that people take more interest in their own affairs than in anything else which you can name4 ,in tete-a- tete conversations1 therefore1 lead a mother to talk of her children1 a young lady of her last ball1 an author of his forthcoming book1 or an artist of his exhibition picture4 ,having furnished the topic1 you need only listen2 and you are thought not only agreeable1 but thoroughly sensible1 amiable and well- informed4 ,be careful1 on the other hand1 not always to make a point of talking to persons upon general matters relating to their professions4 ,to show an interest in their immediate concerns is flattering1 but to converse with them too much about their own art or profession1 looks as if you thought them ignorant of other topics4 ,remember in conversation that a voice 'gentle and low' is1 above all other extraneous accomplishments1 an excellent thing in woman4 ,there is a certain distinct but subdued tone of voice which is peculiar to persons only of the best breeding4 ,it is better to err by the use of too low than too loud a tone4 ,loud laughter is extremely objectionable in society4 ,conversation is a reflex of character4 ,the pretentious1 the illiterate1 the impatient1 the curious1 will as inevitably betray their idiosyncrasies as the modest1 the even tempered and the generous4 ,strive as we may1 we cannot always be acting4 ,let us1 therefore1 cultivate a tone of mind1 and a habit of life1 the betrayal of which need not put us to shame in the company of the pure and wise1 and the rest will be easy4 ,if we make ourselves worthy of refined and intelligent society1 we shall not be rejected from it2 and in such society we shall acquire by example all that we have failed to learn from precept4 ,if you are conversing1 when interrupted by a visitor1 and1 after the customary greetings1 resume the conversation1 you must recapitulate the substance of it for the benefit of the new comer4 ,to invariably commence a conversation by remarks on the weather shows a poverty of ideas that is truly pitiable4 ,do not constantly repeat the name of a person with whom you are conversing4 ,a person who has travelled will probably be severely ridiculed if constantly referring to the winter ,i spent in ,florence1 or when ,i was in ,london4 ,if conversation takes a tone that is offensive to good taste1 charity or justice1 be silent4 ,do not be too ready to correct any statement you may deem untrue4 ,you may be yourself mistaken4 ,,invitations4 ,,all invitations1 excepting dinner invitations1 are issued in the name of the lady of the house alone4 ,dinner invitations are issued in the name of the gentleman and lady of the house1 or when extended to gentlemen only1 in the name of the host alone4 ,answers to invitations1 excepting such dinner invitations as are issued in the name of the gentleman only1 must be addressed to the lady of the house4 ,when invitations are issued in the height of a fashionable season1 it is best to send them out at least a fortnight beforehand4 ,for a small company1 and when gayety is not at its height1 a week's notice is sufficient4 ,for a costume ball1 private theatricals or any occasion when elaborate dresses or preparations are needed1 a month should be given4 ,printed cards of invitation are not en regle1 excepting for public occasions4 ,a small note paper is the only appropriate one1 and may have the initial letter or monogram stamped upon it1 and the envelope4 ,any more fanciful decoration is in excessively bad taste4 ,the proper form for a dinner invitation is3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,g--- request the favor of ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,l---'s company at dinner1 on ,tuesday1 the #hth of ,january1 at #e o'clock4 ,or1 ,mr4 ,g--- requests the pleasure of ,mr4 ,l ---'s company at dinner1 on ,tuesday1 the #hth of ,january1 at #e o'clock4 ,the answer accepting the invitation should run as follows3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,l--- have much pleasure in accepting ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,g- --'s kind invitation to dinner on the #hth of ,january4 ,if declined1 the following form must be used3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,l--- regret that a prior engagement 7or other reason stated7 will prevent their accepting ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,g---'s kind invitation to dinner on the #hth of ,january4 ,should the invitation be declined1 some reason for the refusal must be given1 and1 unless an excuse 7which always savors more or less of the untruthful7 be wanted1 it is the truest politeness to assign the cause which actually is the preventive4 ,whatever the cause--sickness1 domestic trouble1 business or any other--it should be stated as concisely as possible in the answer1 which in any case should be dispatched as soon as possible 7certainly the next day7 after the receipt of the invitation1 that the hostess may have time to summon other guests in the stead of those declining her first invitations4 ,after an invitation is once accepted1 it should be scrupulously observed4 ,nothing but the most absolute necessity should prevent you from going1 and when such necessity arises1 it should be communicated directly1 with a full explanation of the preventing cause even if it is within half an hour of the appointed dinner time4 ,if earlier1 send the explanation as soon as possible4 ,invitations to dinner and the answers must be sent by a special messenger4 ,the post is proverbially uncertain1 and the non-arrival of an expected invitation or its answer1 may cause lasting offence4 ,it is a breach of etiquette1 to say nothing of practical inconvenience1 to bring an unassorted company together at dinner4 ,great people1 public characters1 literary celebrities or distinguished guests from any cause should not be invited merely because they are such4 ,they will be uncomfortable if the guests summoned to meet them are not congenial1 and the remainder of your company equally so4 ,no one guest should be too conspicuous4 ,a harmonious blending of tastes and qualities should be the object in view4 ,persons moving in one circle of society should not1 as a general rule1 be invited to meet those who move in another circle4 ,a man of strong political bias in one direction1 should not be invited to meet a party opposed to his views2 persons of known and marked differences in religious matters should not be invited to meet each other1 and above all1 avoid the social collision of those whom you know to be personal enemies4 ,the best guide in such matters is common sense1 coupled with a little judicious forethought4 ,invitations to large balls should be sent out at least a fortnight before the time appointed1 and are worded thus3 ,mrs4 ,l---'s compliments to ,miss ,g---1 and requests the pleasure of her company at a ball1 on ,wednesday1 the #gth of ,march1 at #i o'clock4 ,the answer is as follows3 ,miss ,g---'s compliments to ,mrs4 ,l---1 and accepts with pleasure her kind invitation for ,wednesday1 ,march #gth4 ,or1 ,miss ,g--- regrets a recent death in her family will prevent her accepting ,mrs4 ,l---'s kind invitation for ,march #gth4 ,an invitation to an evening party is worded3 ,mrs4 ,s--- compliments to ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,t---1 and requests the pleasure of their company on ,march #ith1 at #h o'clock4 ,such an invitation calls for full evening dress4 ,the answer is the same as for a ball invitation4 ,invitations to pic-nics1 private theatricals1 concerts1 tea parties and other entertainments1 generally state the nature of such entertainment1 and are a little less formal than those already given4 ,for a musical party3 ,mrs4 ,r-- requests the pleasure of ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,p---'s company1 on ,thursday evening1 ,feb4 #ajth1 at #h o'clock1 to meet the members of the ,harmonia ,musical ,society4 ,and if you have a programme of the concert1 enclose it4 ,or1 ,mrs4 ,f--- expects a few friends on ,monday evening next1 at #h o'clock1 to take part in some dramatic readings1 and would be happy to have ,miss ,b--- join the party4 ,or1 ,mrs4 ,s---'s compliments to ,miss ,p---1 and would be pleased to have her join a pic-nic party to ,pine ,grove1 on ,wednesday1 ,june #adth4 ,carriages start from ,mrs4 ,s---'s at #i o'clock1 and a place will be reserved for ,miss ,p---4 ,notes of invitation must always be dated1 and your address in full written in one corner1 thus3 ,feb4 #fth1 #ah--4 ,miss ,m---4 requests the pleasure of ,miss ,n---'s company to a small evening party1 on ,friday evening next1 at #h o'clock4 ,no4 #gfb ,r--- ,street4 ,the body of the invitation must be in the middle of the sheet1 and date a little above to the right1 the address a little below to the left4 ,the envelopes containing invitations must be directed always to the private residence of the person invited1 never to a place of business or office4 ,when the officers of a regiment or a ship are invited to an entertainment1 and it is not possible to invite them all1 it is customary to send an invitation to the ,colonel or ,commander1 accompanied by a certain number of blank tickets1 if it be a public ball1 or by an intimation that the host would be glad to see ,colonel or ,captain --- and so many of the officers of the regiment or ship4 ,invitations by a regiment to a ball1 to be given by the officers1 are worded as follows3 ,col4 and the officers of the --- ,regiment1 ,u4 ,s4 ,a4 7or other branch of the service71 request the pleasure of ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,c--- 's company on the #gth of ,december1 at #i o'clock4 ,r--- ,barracks1 corner of --- and --- ,streets4 ,answers should be addressed to the ,colonel of the regiment1 and worded thus3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,c's compliments to ,colonel -- and the officers of the - ,regiment1 ,u4 ,s4 ,a41 and accept with pleasure their polite invitation for the #gth of ,december4 ,in case an officer desires to invite his personal friends1 he encloses his own card in the invitation1 but these must all be issued in the form already given1 the card explaining to which officer the compliment is to be attributed4 ,invitations to a ,naval ball are issued in the name of the ,captain and officers of the ,u4 ,s4 ,ship ---1 or simply in the name of ,the ,officers of the ,u4 ,s4 ,ship ---4 ,on the corner of the card the name of the officer to whom the answers are to be sent1 should be written4 ,an officer of higher rank1 or a public official of high position1 will signify on his card what aide-de-camp or clerk is to receive the answers to his invitations1 and will issue them in the joint name of himself and wife1 thus3 ,general and ,mrs4 ,e--- request the pleasure of ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,d---'s company1 on ,thursday1 the #fth of ,november1 at #h o'clock4 ,direct answers to ,capt4 ,e4 ,c---4 ,verbal invitations are given only when the occasion is a very informal one1 and imply plain dress1 early hours and a small company4 ,invitations to concerts1 theatre or opera1 should be sent in time to secure good seats1 if accepted1 ,the usual style is3 ,mr4 ,g would be much pleased to have ,mrs4 and ,miss ,hunt's company at the opera1 on ,wednesday evening1 when ,la ,trovatore will be performed by the ,italian troupe at the ,academy of ,music4 ,such an invitation calls for an immediate answer from the elder lady1 and should be as follows3 ,mrs4 and ,miss ,hunt accept with pleasure ,mr4 ,g---'s polite invitation to listen to a favorite opera on ,wednesday evening4 ,or if declined3 ,mrs4 ,hunt regrets that a prior engagement will prevent her own and ,miss ,hunt's acceptance of ,mr4 ,g---'s polite invitation for ,wednesday evening4 ,for a general reception1 invitations are printed upon cards1 thus3 ,wednesday ,evening1 ,january #adth1 ,no4 #cdh --- ,,street4 ,such cards do not require any answer4 ,,dinner ,,company4 ,,on no occasion is a want of punctuality more ill-bred than at a dinner party1 whether it is the guests who are late1 or the hostess who allows dinner to be later than the time appointed4 ,belie remarks1 with as much truth as sarcasm3 ,i have always been punctual to the hour of dinner1 for ,i know that those whom ,i kept waiting would employ those unpleasant moments to sum up all my faults4 ,to arrive too early is to annoy the lady of the house by disturbing her at her toilet4 ,to arrive too late is injurious to the dinner1 to the temper of your host1 of the other guests and of the servants4 ,it is really a sad breach of etiquette to be later than the hour named in your invitation for dinner1 and from ten to fifteen minutes before it is quite soon enough for your arrival4 ,as regards the hour for dinner1 etiquette1 strictly so called1 has not prescribed anything4 ,custom1 the fashion1 convenience1 a score of things may control it4 ,from five to eight o'clock1 according somewhat to the season of the year1 is the present fashionable limit4 ,by that time the business of most men is over for the day1 which can scarcely be said of an hour earlier than five4 ,the lady of the house should be in her drawing-room1 ready to receive her guests1 ten or fifteen minutes before the hour fixed for their arrival1 and the daughters of the house should be with her1 and not drop in one by one after the guests' arrival4 ,the gentleman of the house should also be present1 and in case it is a strictly gentleman's party1 at which no hostess presides1 he must be all ready before the appointed time to do the honors4 ,on guests being announced1 the lady advances a few steps towards them1 and should receive them cordially with some words of welcome4 ,the hostess must never betray any chagrin at the lateness of a guest1 but try to place the unfortunate last arrival as much at ease as possible by her cordial welcome and unembarrassed manner4 ,before all the guests have arrived the lady should have made her arrangements as to what gentleman and lady are to go in to dinner together1 and before dinner is announced the gentlemen of the party should be informed what lady they are to escort to the table4 ,the gentleman of the house offers his arm to the lady most honored amongst the guests1 the gentleman most distinguished offers his arm to the lady of the house4 ,gentlemen give the left arm to a lady1 excepting military officers in full dress1 who give the right arm1 as the sword is inconveniently worn for offering the left4 ,in all other cases the right arm must be left free4 ,the order of procession being settled1 the company move according to it from the drawing-room to the dining-room1 as soon as dinner is announced4 ,the host sits at the bottom of the table1 the hostess at the top4 ,at the right of the host is placed the lady he escorted from the drawing-room1 and at the right of the hostess her escort4 ,the next place of honor is at the left of the hostess4 ,it is a good plan1 and rapidly becoming an established custom1 to have small cards with the names of the guests written upon them1 laid upon the plate at each seat4 ,each one thus taking the place assigned prevents confusion1 and gives the hostess the privilege of placing near to each other the guests who will prove mutually agreeable4 ,gentlemen should stand behind their respective chairs until all the ladies are seated1 and then take their own seats1 being careful that their chairs do not stand upon the dresses of the ladies beside them4 ,seats having been apportioned to all1 grace is said1 by a clergyman if there is one present1 if not1 by the host4 ,the clergyman should be invited to say grace by the host4 ,if the dinner is a la ,russe1 there will not be any carving done on the table itself4 ,if the party is small1 mere en famille1 the hostess will have a dish before her1 the contents of which will have to be carved4 ,the gentleman on her right hand should in that case offer to carve for her1 but if she declines1 should not press the offer4 ,many ladies are excellent carvers1 and like to appear so4 ,there is no space in our little volume for directions upon carving1 nor do they form any portion of the art of etiquette4 ,all that etiquette has to say on the subject is that you must not stand up to carve2 you must not pursue the bird1 joint or whatever the meat may be1 all round the dish2 nor should you comment upon the age of the fowl1 the toughness of the meat or your own awkwardness in carving4 ,if you really do not understand it1 do not attempt it2 say so and let the waiter cut it up4 ,never be helped twice to soup or fish1 and indeed it appears low bred to be twice served to any one dish4 ,you may refuse either soup or fish1 but make no comment if you do1 as to your liking or dislike for the dish1 nor is it incumbent upon you to state that soup does not agree with you1 or that fish always make you ill2 any such remarks are rude4 ,simply to say no1 thank you1 in refusing a dish1 is all the reply that strict etiquette will allow upon the subject4 ,no remarks should be made by the host or hostess on the refusal of a guest to partake of a proffered dish4 ,pressing the food upon a guest with ,oh1 do take some1 or ,you must1 it was made by so- and-so1 or indeed any remark upon the repast1 is not only annoying to the guest1 but a proof of low-breeding in the entertainers4 ,there is a sort of hospitality about it1 but it is a rough barbarism4 ,who does not remember the description of ,bridget ,elias' hospitable gaucherie in ,charles ,lamb's ,poor ,relation1 when urging the poor relation to eat with the speech3 ,do take some more2 remember you do not get pudding every day4 ,never should a host or hostess apologize for the fare set before their guest4 ,such apologies are generally a mere fishing for compliment1 untrue and in entirely bad taste4 ,in inviting his friends to dinner1 the host binds himself to set before them the best his house and purse can afford1 and if the fare is good the guest will soon find it out1 if bad1 no apologies will make it any better4 ,it is in bad taste to apologize to the waiters for the trouble given them1 and betrays a lamentable ignorance of the customs of society4 ,they are hired to wait upon the guests1 and it is no affair of those guests how they feel1 as long as they discharge their duty4 ,to reprove a waiter is the height of ill-breeding4 ,do not1 when a dish is brought to you1 say you prefer to be helped after some one else4 ,accept or refuse what is offered to you1 and let the waiter pass the dish on4 ,a gentleman1 however1 will see that the lady he has escorted to the table is helped as she wishes1 before he attends to his own dinner1 but to interfere with the lady on the other side of him is all insult to her escort4 ,he may ask the lady under his care if she will be helped from any dish offered him1 before he accepts or declines for himself1 and will issue her orders for her to the waiter when she selects her dinner4 ,a gentleman or a lady will always say ,thank you to a waiter1 but nothing more4 ,a guest must never find fault with any dish placed before him1 and to appear to question the quality or freshness of the viands by smelling or fastidiously tasting them1 is a positive insult to the gentleman who has invited him to his table4 ,a host or hostess may never find fault before their guests1 neither with the dinner1 with the servants1 nor with each other4 ,burnt soup1 fish boiled to rags1 underdone vegetables1 heavy pastry1 must be endured with smiling equanimity4 ,no scowl must greet the crash that announces the fall of a tray of the finest glass1 no word of remonstrance greet the deluge of a plate of soup over the tablecloth4 ,if care has not been taken to secure first- rate cooks and well-trained waiters1 the faults of omission and commission must be endured with placid serenity4 ,after the ladies have all been served1 the guests to the right of the hostess must be attended to1 then the guest on her left1 and so on until all are served4 ,ten persons are all that one cook can properly prepare a dinner for1 and three waiters will be amply employed in waiting upon that number4 ,if more are invited the attempt to make the conversation general had better not be made1 but the guests allowed to converse tete-a-tete4 ,wine should be handed by the waiters after soup4 ,to decline wine by covering the mouth of the wine-glass with the hand is an ill- bred gesture4 ,say simply ,not any1 thank you1 and the waiter will not fill your glass4 ,fish follows next in order4 ,a slice1 neatly cut1 not hashed up by bad carving1 should be placed upon each plate1 with a slice of egg1 and fish sauce4 ,if there be a silver knife1 use it to cut the fish4 ,if not1 take your fork in your right hand and supply the place of the knife by a small piece of bread1 which you should cut off1 and when your fish is eaten1 leave upon your plate4 ,do not eat as if you had good fare for the first time in your life--that is to say1 do not eat ravenously1 and do not eat in a noticeable way4 ,never smack the lips when eating4 ,never take a long1 deep breath after you finish eating1 as if the exercise had fatigued you4 ,never make noises in your mouth or throat4 ,never suck your teeth1 or pass your tongue round the outside of your gums4 ,never1 even with cheese1 put your knife into your mouth4 ,never pick your teeth1 or put your finger into your mouth4 ,if you find you have a fish-bone in your mouth1 cover your lips with a napkin to remove it4 ,it is better to be very careful to remove all bones before putting fish into your mouth4 ,on no account spit the bones out upon your plate4 ,never take the bones of fowl or birds up in your fingers to gnaw or suck them4 ,remove the meat with your knife1 and convey it to your mouth with your fork1 never being too eager to clean off every particle of flesh4 ,wipe your finger tips1 if soiled1 upon the table napkin1 never upon your tongue or the table-cloth4 ,an elegant eater will never have occasion to think of his fingers4 ,never use the table-cloth to wipe your mouth1 you might as well use it in place of your pocket handkerchief4 ,never remark upon what is placed before you1 either in praise or dispraise of it4 ,neither drink nor speak when you have anything in your mouth4 ,when you are helped1 begin to eat1 without regard to those who have already1 or have not yet1 been helped4 ,never watch the dishes as they are uncovered1 nor make any exclamation when you see their contents4 ,under no circumstances tuck your napkin1 bib-fashion1 into your shirt collar4 ,unfold it partially and put it in your lap1 covering your knees4 ,a lady may slip a corner under her belt if there is danger of its slipping upon her dress1 but a gentleman must be awkward indeed if he lets his napkin fall upon the floor4 ,no gentleman will ever settle himself in his chair1 pushing back his cuffs1 as if for a set-to1 at the table4 ,if you make any general remark1 do not look up at the waiters to see what effect it has upon them4 ,if they are well-trained they will not move a muscle at hearing the most laughable story1 nor will they give any sign whatever that they have not closed their ears like deaf adders to all that has been going on4 ,in any case1 however1 you must refrain from noticing them4 ,if you want anything1 take the occasion of a waiter being near to you1 to ask for it in an undertone4 ,to shout out ,waiter6 or order one about1 as if you were in a restaurant1 is a certain mark of ill-breeding4 ,unless the party is a very small one1 general conversation is impossible4 ,in such a case1 you must converse with those on either side of you1 not confining your remarks exclusively to one4 ,talk in a low1 quiet tone1 but never in a whisper4 ,to affect an air of mystery or secrecy at a dinner-table1 is an insult to your companion and company assembled4 ,it is in bad taste to force the attention of the company upon yourself by loud talking or loud laughing4 ,too many jokes or anecdotes are in bad taste1 but the subjects for conversation should not be too serious4 ,any gentleman propounding a conundrum at the dinner-table deserves to be taken away by the police4 ,to use one's own knife1 spoon or fingers1 instead of the butterknife1 sugar-tongs or salt-spoons1 is to persuade the company that you have never seen the latter articles before1 and are unacquainted with their use4 ,never eat all that is on your plate1 and above all never be guilty of the gaucherie of scraping your plate1 or passing your bread over it as if to clean it4 ,never fill your mouth so full that you cannot converse2 at the same time avoid the appearance of merely playing with your food4 ,eat in small mouthfuls1 and rather slowly than rapidly4 ,if upon opening fruit you find it is not perfect1 or there is a worm in it1 pass your plate quietly and without remark to the waiter1 who will bring you a clean one4 ,none but a low-bred clown will ever carry fruit or bon bons away from the table4 ,drinking wine with people is an old custom1 but it will now-adays be found to exist only among the past or passing generation4 ,if you are1 however1 asked to take wine with any one1 you should fill your glass with the same sort of wine your friend has1 and raise it to your lips4 ,you need only taste1 not act upon the principle of no heel-taps4 ,a man would be looked upon as a curiosity1 nay1 many would not understand what he meant1 who should at the present day propose a sentiment before drinking wine4 ,never spit from your mouth the skins of grapes1 the stones or pips of fruits4 ,receive them upon the prongs of your fork1 laid horizontally1 and place them as conveniently as so inelegant a process will allow upon the edge of your plate4 ,never play with your fingers upon the table4 ,never play with your knife and fork1 fidget with your salt-cellar1 balance your spoon on your tumbler1 make pills of your bread1 or perform any of those vulgar antics unfortunately too often seen at table4 ,never in conversation1 illustrate your remarks by plans drawn upon the table-cloth with your nail1 or built of your knife1 fork and spoon4 ,never stretch your feet out under the table1 so as to touch those of your opposite neighbor4 ,it is quite as bad to put them up under you upon the chair-bar1 or curl them up under the chair itself4 ,try to take an easy position at table1 neither pressing closely up to it1 nor yet so far away as to risk depositing your food upon the floor instead of conveying it to your mouth4 ,never touch fruit with your fingers4 ,if you wish to peel an apple1 a pear or a peach1 hold the fruit on a fork in your left hand1 and peel with a silver knife in your right4 ,eat it in small slices cut from the whole fruit1 but never bite it1 or anything else at table4 ,need ,i say no fruit should ever be sucked at the table4 ,when the hostess thinks her lady friends have taken as much dessert as they wish1 she catches the eye of the principal among them2 an interchange of ocular telegraphing takes place1 the hostess rises1 and with her all the company rise2 the gentlemen make a passage for the ladies to pass2 the one who is nearest to the door opens it1 and holds it open until all the ladies have passed out of the room4 ,as soon as the ladies have retired the gentlemen may resume their seats for more wine and conversation1 but it is a very poor compliment to the lady guests to linger long in the dining-room4 ,the ladies upon leaving the dining-room1 retire to the drawing- room1 and occupy themselves until the gentlemen again join them4 ,it is well for the hostess to have a reserve force for this interval1 of photographic albums1 stereoscopes1 annuals1 new music1 in fact1 all the ammunition she can provide to make this often tedious interval pass pleasantly4 ,if you dine in the ,french fashion1 the gentlemen rise with the ladies1 each offering his arm to the lady he escorted to dinner1 and all proceed to the drawing-room together4 ,if the gentlemen remain to have coffee served in the dining-room1 tea may be served in the drawing-room to the ladies4 ,upon returning to the drawing-room the gentlemen should never cluster round the door1 but join the ladies at once1 striving to repay the hospitality of the hostess by making themselves as agreeable as possible to the guests4 ,from two to three hours after dinner is the proper time to leave the house4 ,if the dinner is for the gentlemen guests alone1 and the lady of house presides1 her duties are over when she rises after dessert4 ,the gentlemen do not expect to find her in the drawing-room again4 ,in this case cigars may be served with the coffee1 and then the servants may retire1 unless especially summoned to wait4 ,if smoking is indulged in1 have placed upon the table a number of small match boxes1 ashes receivers1 and between the chairs spittoons4 ,and here let me add a few words upon smoking taken from an ,english authority1 but which1 with a few exceptions will apply equally well to lovers of the weed upon this side of the water4 ,he says3 ,but what shall ,i say of the fragrant weed which ,raleigh taught our gallants to puff in capacious bowls2 which a royal pedant denounced in a famous ',counterblast1' which his flattering1 laureate1 ,ben ,jonson1 ridiculed to please his master2 which our wives and sisters protest gives rise to the dirtiest and most unsociable habit a man can indulge in2 of which some fair flowers declare that they love the smell1 and others that they will never marry an indulger 7which1 by the way1 they generally end in doing72 which has won a fame over more space and among better men than ,noah's grape has ever done2 which doctors still dispute about1 and boys get sick over2 but which is the solace of the weary laborer2 the support of the ill-fed2 the refresher of overwrought brains2 the soother of angry fancies2 the boast of the exquisite2 the excuse of the idle2 the companion of the philosopher2 and the tenth muse of the poet4 ,i will go neither into the the medical nor the moral questions about the dreamy calming cloud4 ,i will content myself so far with saying what may be said for everything that can bless and curse mankind1 that in moderation it is at least harmless2 but what is moderate and what is not1 must be determined in each individual case1 according to the habits and constitution of the subjects4 ,if it cures asthma1 it may destroy digestion2 if it soothes the nerves1 it may1 in excess1 produce a chronic irritability4 ,but ,i will regard it in a social point of view1 and1 first as a narcotic1 notice its effects on the individual character4 ,i believe then1 that in moderation it diminishes the violence of the passions1 and particularly that of the temper4 ,interested in the subject1 ,i have taken care to seek instances of members of the same family having the same violent temper by inheritance1 of whom the one has been calmed down by smoking1 and the other gone on in his passionate course4 ,i believe that it induces a habit of calm reflectiveness1 which causes us to take less prejudiced1 perhaps less zealous views of life1 and to be therefore less irritable in our converse with our fellow-creatures4 ,i am inclined to think that the clergy1 the squirearchy and the peasantry1 are the most prejudiced and most violent classes in this country 7,england72 there may be other reasons for this1 but it is noteworthy that these are the classes which smoke least4 ,on the other hand1 ,i confess that it induces a certain lassitude1 and a lounging1 easy mode of life1 which is fatal both to the precision of manners and the vivacity of conversation4 ,the mind of a smoker is contemplative rather than active1 and if the weed cures our irritability1 it kills our wit4 ,i believe that it is a fallacy to suppose that it encourages drinking4 ,there is more drinking and less smoking in ,england than in any other country of the the civilized world4 ,there was more drinking among the gentry of last century1 who never smoked at all4 ,smoke and wine do not go well together4 ,coffee and beer are its best accompaniments2 and the one cannot intoxicate1 the other must be largely imbibed to do so4 ,i have observed among young bachelors that very little wine is drunk in their chambers1 and that beer is gradually taking its place4 ,the cigar1 too1 is an excuse for rising from the dinner-table1 where there are no ladies to go to4 ,in another point of view1 ,i am inclined to think that smoking has conduced to make the society of men1 when alone1 less riotous1 less quarrelsome and even less vicious than it was4 ,where young men now blow a common cloud1 they were formerly driven to a fearful consumption of wine2 and this in their heads1 they were ready and roused to any iniquity4 ,but the pipe is the bachelors wife4 ,with it1 he can endure solitude longer1 and is not forced into low society in order to shun it4 ,with it1 too1 the idle can pass many an hour1 which otherwise he would have given1 not to work1 but to extravagant follies4 ,with it1 he is no longer restless1 and impatient for excitement of any kind4 ,we never hear now of young blades issuing in bands from their wine to beat the watch or disturb the slumbering citizens1 as we did thirty or forty years ago1 when smoking was still a rarity2 they are all puffing harmlessly in their chambers now4 ,but1 on the other hand1 ,i foresee with dread a too tender allegiance to the pipe1 to the destruction of good society1 and the abandonment of the ladies4 ,no wonder they hate it1 dear creatures6 the pipe is the worst rival a woman can have1 and it is one whose eyes she cannot scratch out2 who improves with age1 while she herself declines2 who has an art which no woman possesses1 that of never wearying her devotee2 who is silent1 yet a companion2 costs little1 yet gives much pleasure2 who1 lastly1 never upbraids1 and always yields the same joy4 ,ah6 this is a powerful rival to wife or maid2 and no wonder that at last the woman succumbs1 consents1 and1 rather than lose her lord or master1 even supplies the hated herb with her own fair hands4 ,there are rules to limit this indulgence4 ,one must never smoke1 nor even ask to smoke1 in the company of the fair4 ,if they know that in a few minutes you will be running off to your cigar1 the fair will do well--say it is in a garden1 or so--to allow you to bring it out and smoke it there4 ,one must never smoke1 again1 in the streets--that is1 in daylight4 ,the deadly crime may be committed1 like burglary1 after dark1 but not before4 ,one must never smoke in a room inhabited at times by the ladies2 thus1 a well-bred man1 who has a wife or sister1 will not offer to smoke in the dining-room after dinner4 ,one must never smoke in a public place1 where ladies are or might be2 for instance1 a flower-show or promenade4 ,one may smoke in a railway-carriage1 in spite of by-laws1 if one has first obtained the consent of every one present2 but if there be a lady there1 though she give her consent1 smoke not4 ,in nine cases out of ten1 she will give it from good nature499 99,in ,america1 cars are especially provided for smokers1 and no gentleman will violate etiquette by smoking in any other4 ,one must never smoke in a close carriage2 one may ask and obtain leave to smoke1 when returning from a pic-nic or expedition1 in an open carriage4 ,one must never smoke in a theatre1 on a race-course1 nor in church4 ,this last is not1 perhaps1 a needless caution4 ,in the ,belgian churches you see a placard announcing3 ,ici on ne mache pas du tabac4' ,one must never smoke when anybody shows an objection to it4 ,one must never smoke a pipe in the streets4 ,one must never smoke at all in the coffee-room of a hotel4 ,one must never smoke1 without asking permission1 in the presence of a clergyman4 ,but if you smoke1 or if you are in the company of smokers1 and are to appear afterwards in the presence of ladies1 you must change your clothes to smoke in4 ,a host who invites you to smoke will generally offer you an old coat for the purpose4 ,you must also after smoking rinse the mouth well out1 and if possible brush the teeth4 ,you should never smoke in another person's house without leave1 and you should not ask leave to do so1 if there are ladies in the house4 ,when you are going to smoke a cigar1 you should offer one at the same time to anybody present4 ,you should always smoke a cigar given to you whether good or bad1 and never make any remark upon its quality4 ,at a gentleman's party it is the host alone who may call upon any of the company for a toast1 a speech or a song4 ,no matter how much others may desire it1 they may never invite each other4 ,during the week following a dinner party1 it is etiquette for each guest to call upon the hostess1 and it is rude to delay the call more than a fortnight4 ,in concluding this chapter we give from a modern ,english work the following bills of fare for dinners suiting the different seasons of the year1 which may be useful to young housekeepers3 ,,menus ,,of ,,four ,,choice ,,dinners1 ,,adapted ,,to ,,each ,,season ,,of ,,the ,,year4 ,,january4--7,,for ,,ten ,,persons47 ,consomme soup1 with quenelles2 ,turbot1 with ,dutch sauce4 ,,two ,,removes4--,braized fillet of veal1 larded a la ,chateaubriand2 ,roast turkey1 with puree of mushrooms4 ,,four ,,entrees4--,oyster ,kromeskys1 a la ,russe2 ,pork cutlets1 sauce ,robert2 ,partridges1 a la ,prince of ,wales2 ,supreme of fowls1 a la ,macedoine4 ,,second ,,course4--,pintail2 ,snipes4 ,,one ,,remove4--,fondu of ,parmesan cheese4 ,,four ,,entremets4-,salad1 a la ,rachel2 ,vol-au-vent of preserved greengages2 ,plombieres cream iced2 ,braized celery with brown sauce4 ,,april4-7,,for ,,eight ,,persons47 ,cray-fish soup2 ,spey trout1 parsley sauce4 ,,two ,,removes4--,boiled fowls1 oyster sauce2 ,glazed tongue ,a la jardiniere4 ,two ,,entrees4--,lamb cutlets1 asparagus1 peas2 ,boudins of rabbits1 a la ,reine4 ,,second ,,course4--,lobster salad2 ,green goose4 ,,four ,,entremets4--,orange fritters2 ,tapioca pudding2 ,wine jelly2 ,potatoes a la ,lyonnaise4 ,,june4--7,,for ,,twelve ,,persons47 ,puree of green peas1 soup2 ,stewed sturgeon1 matelotte sauce2 ,fillets of mackerel a la maitre d'hotel4 ,,two ,,removes4--,roast fore-quarter of lamb2 ,spring chickens ,a la ,montmorency4 ,,four ,,entrees4--,fillets of ducklings1 with green peas2 ,mutton cutlets a la ,wyndham2 ,blanquette of chicken with cucumbers2 ,timbale of macaroni a la ,milanaise4 ,,second ,,course4--,pigeons2 ,leveret4 ,,two ,,removes4--,flemish gauffers2 ,iced ,souffle4 ,,six ,,entremets4-,french beans1 stewed2 ,mayonnaise of chicken2 ,peas a la ,francaise2 ,peach jelly with noyau2 ,love's wells glace with chocolate2 ,flave of apricots and rice4 ,,october4--7,,for ,,eight ,,persons47 ,potage a la ,julienne2 ,baked haddock1 ,italian sauce4 ,,two ,,removes4--,braized neck of mutton1 en cherveuil2 ,roast pheasant a la ,chipolata4 ,,two ,,entrees4--,pork cutlets1 tomato sauce2 ,curried rabbit and rice4 ,,second ,,course4--,roast black-cock2 ,oyster omelette4 ,,four ,,entremets4--,potatoes a la ,duchesse2 ,blanc mange2 ,apple tartlets2 ,semolina pudding4 ,,menu ,,of ,a ,,first ,,rate ,,christmas ,,dinner4 ,turtle soup2 ,turbot a la ,vatel2 ,fillets of sole a la ,tartare4 ,,three ,,removes4--,roast turkey1 ,perigueux sauce2 ,braized ham a la jardiniere2 ,spiced round of beef4 ,,four ,,entrees4--,marrow patties2 ,salmi of pheasants a la financiere2 ,sweet breads a la ,saint ,cloud2 ,mutton cutlets a la ,vicomtesse4 ,,second ,,course4--,woodcocks2 ,grouse2 ,mince pies2 ,plum pud ding4 ,,six ,,entremets4--,broccoli with ,parmesan cheese2 ,italian creams2 ,croute a l',amanas2 ,salad a la ,rachel2 ,meringues a la ,parisienne2 ,punch jelly4 ,,balls4 ,,the form of invitations will be found on page #di4 ,an invitation to a ball should be sent out from two to three weeks before the evening1 and should be answered within a day or two of being received4 ,as to the number of guests to be invited1 no precise rules can be laid down4 ,the size of your room does not seem to be any guide4 ,the custom is to ask rather more than twice as many as your rooms will hold2 but one-third more will be enough1 as it will allow of disappointments at the last moment1 even if all have accepted the invitations4 ,besides1 during the gayest of the season1 the fashion of going to several balls in one night necessitates ensuring the presence of a sufficiently large number of guests all through the evening4 ,if you really wish for dancing1 do not exceed the last limits4 ,if1 however1 your aim is to have the largest ball of the season1 a crush and crowd1 to make a sensation1 then invite your entire visiting list1 and endure the consequences4 ,a hundred guests constitute a ball2 over that1 a large ball2 under that1 merely a dance4 ,one of the first requisites of a ball-room is thorough ventilation1 especially if there is a prospect of a large number of guests4 ,one of the most desirable points in a ball is to have a beautifully arranged room4 ,the floor must be well waxed1 and perfectly even1 and it is well to draw a cord across two-thirds of it1 not admitting more than can dance inside the space so cut off at once4 ,the ,french make their ball-rooms perfect flower-gardens4 ,every comer has its immense bouquet2 the walls are gracefully wreathed2 bouquets1 baskets1 and exquisitely decorated pots of growing plants are placed in every available place4 ,the staircases1 landings1 and supper-room are all filled with floral treasures1 harmonizing with fine effect with the brilliant lights and gay the dresses of the ladies4 ,it adds to the effect to conceal the musicians behind a screen of evergreen and flowers4 ,the dressing-rooms should be provided with two servants apiece1 and small cards1 with the names of the invited guests upon them1 should be in readiness to pin to the wraps of each one4 ,in each dressing-room1 have plenty of water1 soap1 and towels upon the washstand1 several brushes and combs1 small hand-mirrors1 pin- cushions well filled1 and stick pomade upon the bureau4 ,the ladies' room should also have hair-pins1 a work-box in readiness to repair any accidental rip or tear2 cologne1 hartshorn1 and salts1 in case of faintness4 ,the gentlemen's room should be provided with a boot-jack1 a whisk1 and a clothes-brush4 ,no one should accept an invitation to a ball who cannot or who will not dance4 ,they are mere encumbrances4 ,nothing is more trying to the feelings of a hostess than to see a number of wallflowers ornamenting 787 her ball-room4 ,the hour at which one may go to a ball varies from ten o'clock in the evening until daybreak4 ,any one who attends several balls in one evening will1 of course1 find it impossible to appear at an early hour at each one4 ,the lady of the house--who should1 if possible1 know the name of everybody who enters the room--must stand near the door1 so as to receive her guests1 to each of whom she must find something to say1 no matter how trifling4 ,the host must also be near1 to welcome arrivals1 and the sons to introduce people4 ,the young ladies must see that the dances are kept up1 and should not dance themselves till they have found partners for all their friends4 ,they may with perfect propriety ask any gentleman present to be introduced to a partner1 and he is bound to accept the invitation2 but the lady must be careful whom she asks4 ,many present may be entire strangers to her4 ,miss ,a4 has brought her betrothed2 ,miss ,b4 introduces her cousin1 ,captain ---1 on a short leave of absence from his regiment in ,texas2 ,miss ,c4 presents her brother1 just returned from ,california2 ,miss ,d4 begs leave to introduce a cousin on a short visit to the city2 ,miss ,e41 a belle1 has informed a dozen or two of her admirers where they may bow to her on the evening of the ball4 ,all these strangers bow to the hostess1 and must be provided with partners4 ,the ,man in the ,club ,window says3 ,i have known a case where a distinguished-looking young man1 having declined the lady's invitation to dance1 but being pressed by1' ,i can't make up the lancers without you1' somewhat reluctantly accepted1 performed his part so well that his partner was quite eprise with him1 and even ventured on a little flirtation4 ,you can imagine her dismay when1 a little later in the evening1 she saw her charming acquaintance carrying up a pile of plates from the kitchen to the supper-room4 ,for the first time in her life1 she had danced with an occasional waiter4 ,if a gentleman act as escort to a lady1 he must call at her house1 at the hour she appoints1 with a carriage1 and he is expected to send a bouquet in the course of the afternoon4 ,upon reaching the house of the hostess for the evening1 he must escort his fair charge to the dressing-room1 leave her at the door1 make his own toilet as rapidly as possibly1 and return to meet the lady at the dressing-room door again1 escort her to the ball-room1 and at once to the hostess4 ,she is obliged by etiquette to dance the first dance with him2 but after that1 he may with propriety allow her liberty to select other partners1 always watching1 however1 to see that she is never neglected4 ,he must be her escort to supper1 and ready at any moment to leave the ball-room to escort her home again4 ,if a gentleman is unaccompanied by a lady1 he must invite one of the ladies of the house for the first dance1 and yield gracefully if she declines on the plea of want of room or partners for all her guests1 consenting smilingly if she requests him to lead out the homeliest and most awkward of her wall-flowers4 ,the music must be first a march1 then a quadrille1 a polka1 a waltz1 a galop1 and so on1 with two or three round dances to each quadrille1 until fourteen dances are completed1 when another march announces supper4 ,seven to ten dances may follow supper4 ,each guest must be provided with a ball-card with a printed programme of the dances1 and space for the engagements upon it1 and a tiny pencil attached to it4 ,many ladies carry their own engagement- card2 but they must depend upon the programme for the order of dances4 ,the fashion of hanging a few printed programmes in the room is not considered en regle4 ,the supper-room must be thrown open at midnight1 and remain open until the ball closes4 ,it is1 however1 an extreme of bad taste and low breeding for gentlemen to cluster round the table in groups and remain there4 ,it is one of the duties of the hostess to see that no young lady loses her supper for want of an escort to the slipper-room4 ,if there are no young gentlemen in the family1 she must request one of her guests to go to the rescue of the forlorn maiden4 ,no gentleman must wait until the music has commenced before selecting his partner4 ,a lady who declines dancing on the pretext of fatigue must dance no more1 unless she has said she wished to rest for that dance alone4 ,if a lady decline dancing with a gentlemen1 it is rude for him to turn from her to another lady who has heard the refusal1 and invite her to dance4 ,if the first lady has a prior engagement1 he must seek another partner in another part of the room2 if she refuses from fatigue or a disinclination to dance that set1 it is a compliment to her for him to remain beside her1 and endeavor to entertain her while the dance is in progress4 ,a lady should never give her bouquet1 gloves1 and fan to a gentleman to hold during a dance1 unless he is her husband1 brother1 or escort for the evening4 ,a gentleman1 in waltzing with a young lady1 must never encircle her waist until the dance actually commences1 and drop his arm from around her as soon as the music ceases4 ,american gentlemen would do well to study the waltz with a ,german teacher1 as they understand more perfectly than any others the most delicate way of dancing this objectionable dance1 and1 above all1 how to hold a lady lightly and firmly without embracing her4 ,when a lady expresses a desire to sit down before the close of a dance1 it is exceedingly rude for a gentlemen to insist upon a continuation of the dance4 ,he must escort her to a seat at once1 and then express his regret at the interrupted pleasure4 ,she may with propriety release him to seek another partner1 but it is a poor compliment for him to accept the proposal4 ,a gentleman should never invite a lady to be his partner in a dance with which he is not perfectly familiar4 ,it is tiresome in the extreme to guide a partner through a dance1 and the ballroom is not a dancing-school for practice4 ,if a gentleman takes a lady's seat during a dance1 he must rise from it as soon as the dance is over1 not waiting for her to actually return to it1 as she may hesitate to do if she sees that it is occupied4 ,no lady must enter or cross a ball-room unescorted4 ,no lady may refuse to be introduced to a gentleman at a private ball2 but at a public ball she may with perfect propriety refuse any introduction made by the master of ceremonies1 or by mere acquaintances4 ,confidential conversation in a ball-room is in extreme bad taste4 ,do not be too particular about dancing4 ,taking steps in a quadrille is out of date1 all the figures being executed to a graceful walk4 ,to remain too late at a ball is not well-bred1 and seems to imply that you are unaccustomed to such pleasures4 ,do not engage yourself1 therefore1 for the last two or three dances4 ,no gentleman should take the vacant seat next to a lady unless he is acquainted with her1 and not then without first asking permission4 ,a gentleman must offer his arm1 never his hand1 to lead a lady to and from the dance4 ,a lady must be very careful not to engage herself to two gentlemen for the same dance1 unless1 for a round dance1 she states3 ,i am engaged for the first half of the waltz1 but will dance the second part with you4 ,in that case1 she must tell her first partner of her second engagement1 that she may not offend him when she takes another partner after leaving him4 ,if a lady wishes to decline dancing1 whether from dislike to the gentleman who invites her1 or from whatever cause1 she must make some excuse2 but she must never refuse point blank1 nor must she1 after having refused to dance with one gentleman1 consent to dance with another4 ,when introduced1 it is sufficient for a gentleman to say to a lady1 ,may ,i have the pleasure of dancing this waltz with you1 ,miss ,c---8 or if the lady be engaged for the first dance following the introduction1 he may request the favor of putting his name upon her engagement card for another4 ,a young lady should not dance more than twice with the same gentleman1 unless she wants to be noticed1 or is indifferent whether she be so or not4 ,a lady may consult her own pleasure about recognizing a ballroom acquaintance at a future meeting4 ,every gentleman must make a point of inviting the ladies of the house to dance2 and if he be kind1 he will certainly devote himself--for a portion of the evening1 at least--to those ladies for whom the ,may of life has bloomed and passed away1 and who generally sit round the room looking wistfully disconsolate4 ,after every dance following the announcement of supper1 offer your partner your arm1 and invite her to the supper-room 7at a ball1 refreshments are never handed round74 ,should she decline going1 or has already been there1 take her back to her chaperon1 or party1 and1 procuring a seat for her1 thank her for the pleasure the dance has afforded you4 ,no lady should detain her partner long in the supper-room2 she may be thus forcing him to be guilty of the rudeness of breaking an engagement with another lady for the following dance4 ,no gentleman should linger round the supper-table4 ,your hostess invites you to a ball to dance1 and be agreeable1 not to haunt her supper-room1 as if you were starving4 ,avoid all absence of mind1 staring1 listlessness1 and other eccentricities4 ,never swing your arms about1 and try to avoid being conspicuous in any way4 ,take the partner with whom you may happen to be dancing when supper is announced to the supper-table1 unless she has come with a gentleman1 in which case you must not usurp his privilege4 ,if she is disengaged1 escort her to a seat in the supper-room1 if possible1 and see that she is served with the dishes she selects4 ,do not take your own supper at the same time2 wait till the lady has finished2 then take her back to the ball-room1 and repeat the process1 if necessary1 with some other lonely damsel4 ,when all the ladies have been once to the supper-room1 the gentlemen may think of their own supper4 ,gloves of white kid must be worn during the entire evening1 and it is well to have a fresh pair in readiness to put on after supper4 ,on quitting a ball1 it is not necessary to take a formal leave of the hostess4 ,indeed1 it is preferable to make your departure as quietly as possible1 in order to prevent the others from thinking it later than perhaps it is1 and so breaking up the ball at an earlier hour than the hostess may desire4 ,if a gentleman escorts a lady home from a ball1 she is not obliged to invite him to enter1 and if she does so1 he must decline the invitation4 ,he must1 however1 request permission to call the following day or evening1 and he must make that call4 ,a gentleman in a ball-room cannot be too careful not to injure the delicate fabric worn by the ladies around him4 ,spurs are in bad taste1 even if a cavalry officer is otherwise in full uniform4 ,while one dance is in progress1 it is not in good taste to make arrangements for another4 ,it is a gross breach of etiquette on the part of either a lady or a gentleman to forget a ball-room engagement4 ,it is not according1 to etiquette for married people to dance together at either a private or a public ball4 ,,morning ,,and ,,evening ,,parties4 ,,parties in the city comprise conversaziones1 private concerts1 private theatricals1 soirees1 dramatic readings1 tea-parties1 matinees--fact1 almost any in-door gathering together of people1 exclusive of balls and dinner companies4 ,in the country1 small dancing-parties1 tea-parties1 and conversaziones are also comprised under the head of parties2 but the outdoor occasions are of much greater number and variety3 croquet parties1 sailing parties1 boating parties1 pic-nics1 private fetes1 berrying parties1 nutting parties1 ,may festivals1 ,fourth of ,july festivals --in fact1 anything that will give an excuse for a day spent in out-door frolicking4 ,for a conversazione1 under which head are included ,receptions and ,at ,homes1 invitations should be sent out a week beforehand4 ,conversation is1 as the name implies1 the principal occupation for the time1 and where literary people are gathered together1 or those engrossed in scientific matters1 the sole one4 ,for parties of young people1 however1 the conversazione admits of music and impromptu dances4 ,for all small evening parties1 the host and hostess remain near the door during the early part of the evening1 to receive their guests4 ,late comers1 however1 must not expect to find them still nailed to this one spot1 as1 after the majority of the guests are assembled1 their duty is to circulate round the room and entertain them4 ,they should1 however1 be quick to observe any late arrivals1 and advance to welcome them as soon as possible4 ,as the guests enter the room1 the hostess should advance a step or two towards them1 speaking a few words of cordial welcome1 to the elder ladies first1 then to the younger ones1 and finally to the gentlemen4 ,if the new comers are strangers to the rest of the guests1 she must introduce them at once to those present2 if1 however1 there are mutual friends present1 it is their duty to leave the hostess after a few minutes1 that she may be free to receive her other friends4 ,the hostess must remain constantly amongst her guests4 ,for her to fidget in and out constantly1 as if cooking the supper1 or training the waiters1 is a mark of low breeding4 ,the most perfectly well-bred hostess is the one who seems to have no thought beyond the circle of her guests4 ,as many rooms as possible should be thrown open and supplied with objects of interest in the arts and sciences4 ,people of some public note1 whether for travel1 art1 learning1 science1 or any attainment1 are often placed upon exhibition at the conversazione4 ,if such a lion is invited1 it is well to have others1 even if of lesser magnitude1 to prevent too much attention being concentrated upon one guest4 ,if a hostess sees that a tete-a-tete conversation is becoming dull1 she must make it a trio by the introduction of some sprightly third1 or change the duet by substituting another partner and carrying off one to introduce elsewhere4 ,if1 however1 any conversation seems to be animated and giving pleasure1 neither of the parties so engaged will thank the hostess for interruption4 ,if dancing is introduced1 the etiquette of the ball-room is also the etiquette for the evening party4 ,it is best for the hostess to provide a pianist1 if she does not herself preside at the piano1 as it is excessively ill-bred to expect part of the guests to play for the remainder to dance4 ,many good-natured people find themselves thus victimized--invited because they are always so willing to play for dancing4 ,it is a good plan in a dancing party to have ices alone handed round once or even twice during the evening1 and a hot supper later1 if at all4 ,ices1 lemonade1 cake1 confectionery1 and fruits are1 however1 quite sufficient refreshment for small parties4 ,if the evening of a party is stormy1 the hostess should have a waiter at the door1 with a large umbrella1 to escort the guests from the carriages to the house1 or1 better still1 have an awning stretched across the sidewalk4 ,if a party is mixed-conversation1 music1 and dancing1 all forming a portion of the evening's entertainment-it is the part of the hostess to invite guests to sing and play1 and she must be careful not to overlook any amateurs in her invitations4 ,if a guest declines1 it is in bad taste to urge the performance4 ,if the lady of the house is herself a good performer1 she must play or sing but once1 and then after all others have been first invited4 ,a guest should only be invited to play once1 unless at a generally expressed desire of the remainder of the company4 ,it is best for amateur performers to learn a few pieces of music without depending upon their notes1 as1 if they send or carry notes1 it is a hint that they expect to be invited to play2 if they do not1 they are obliged to decline when invited4 ,it is excessively rude to converse loudly when any one is playing or singing4 ,if your companion does not cease talking1 to listen1 converse in a very low tone1 and withdraw from the immediate vicinity of the performer4 ,on the other hand1 if you are invited to play1 do not wait for quiet in the room1 nor exhibit any annoyance if your most exquisite passages are drowned in the buzz of conversation4 ,a gentleman who is a good pianist may1 with perfect propriety1 offer his services to the hostess as orchestra for impromptu dancing1 or may offer to relieve any lady so engaged1 to allow her to dance4 ,if1 however1 there are more ladies than gentlemen1 and he is needed to fill up a set1 he must not insist upon playing1 but go where he is most needed4 ,never offer to turn the leaves for any one playing unless you can read music rapidly2 otherwise you may confuse the performer by turning too soon or too late4 ,never offer to sing a second unless invited by the lady who is to sing also4 ,the hostess may wish her friends to hear a duet1 which will be disagreeable to the performers4 ,members of the same family1 cousins or other relatives1 should not keep together in general society4 ,they can see each other on other occasions1 and the object of parties is to promote sociality1 not exclusiveness4 ,if you are asked to play an accompaniment1 do not seek to display your own talent1 but play so as to afford the best support possible for the voice singing4 ,the same rule applies to a second in any instrumental duet1 which is never intended to drown the sound of the leading instrument4 ,when the lady of the house invites any lady guest to sing or play1 the gentleman standing nearest to her should offer his arm to escort her to the piano or harp4 ,he should stand near her during the performance of the music1 and1 if competent1 turn the leaves of her music4 ,she may also request him to hold her gloves1 bouquet and fan4 ,when she rises1 he should conduct her to a seat1 and thank her for the pleasure she has given him and others4 ,it is ill-bred to comment upon the piano1 even if shockingly out of tune or worn out4 ,to look at a six-octave piano and decline playing because all your music is written for seven octaves1 is positively insulting to a hostess4 ,if it is true1 decline upon some other pretext4 ,private concerts and theatricals ought to be very good to be successful4 ,professional singers should be secured for the former1 and if amateurs sing1 they must be very confident of their own powers before making the attempt to appear before an audience1 even of personal friends4 ,between the parts1 conversation may flow1 but is rude in the extreme during the performances4 ,the best hours are from two to six or from eight to eleven ,p4,m4 ,the rooms should be arranged so as to allow a clear space at one end for the performers2 the guests should be seated1 and a general silence prevail excepting during the intervals of the performance4 ,if the concert is divided into two parts1 it is quite permissible to rise during the intermission1 promenade if agreeable1 meet friends1 and change seats1 being careful to be seated again when the performance re-commences4 ,for private theatricals1 only the best amateurs should be retained4 ,it is very rude to talk during the acts1 and while applause should not be too boisterous1 disapproval by hissing or otherwise is a thing unheard of4 ,ices and light refreshments should be handed round between the acts4 ,where there is no arrangement for a private theatre1 and where the curtain is hung1 as is most common1 between the folding-doors1 the audience-room must be filled with chairs or benches in rows1 and1 if possible1 the back rows raised higher than the others4 ,these are often removed at the close of the performance1 and the guests then converse or dance4 ,to beat time or hum the air at a concert is in extremely bad taste4 ,it is the part of the hostess at a private concert and private theatricals--which latter include charades1 tableaux1 proverbs1 and dramatic readings--to arrange the programmes and apportion the parts1 unless she appoints a stage-manager amongst her guests4 ,the performers should seek to aid her by perfect good-nature in accepting her arrangements1 and by willingness to accept any allotted part1 even if distasteful or obscure4 ,all cannot be first1 and the performer who good-naturedly accepts a small part1 and performs it well1 will probably be invited to a more conspicuous position on the next occasion4 ,the hostess or host must never take conspicuous parts1 unless they are solicited to do so by all the rest of the corps dramatique4 ,nothing but the most absolute necessity1 or an excuse from some very grave cause1 should prevent the attendance of any one who has undertaken a part4 ,it is a positive insult to the rest of the party to inconvenience them by remaining away upon some trivial excuse1 for the smallest part must be filled by somebody1 and it is not easy to furnish substitutes upon such occasions4 ,the hostess should consult each performer before allotting to them a part1 and endeavor to suit each one4 ,private concerts and private theatricals should be followed by a supper1 as they are fatiguing for the performers1 and oftentimes as much so to the audience4 ,if a party are invited to an informal dramatic reading1 it is not necessary to divide the room1 excepting by a large table1 upon which the books are placed4 ,the host or hostess1 while endeavoring to give to each guest the most favorable opportunity to display their own powers1 should still1 if they are good readers1 be ready to oblige their guests by reading also1 carefully avoiding any attempt to outshine them4 ,matinees are usually held in the open air1 in some good ground1 in which a brass band should be playing1 and plenty of good flowers displayed1 embellished by the best dressed people it is possible to assemble together4 ,there are not any introductions2 people amuse themselves as best they can4 ,luncheon may be spread in- doors1 or upon tables under the trees1 or if tents are erected1 inside of these4 ,fruits1 ices1 salads1 cold meats1 confectionery- in short1 any cold collation1 with wine1 tea1 and coffee1 should be served4 ,full morning dress is most appropriate4 ,croquet parties are very fashionable1 and meet generally at about three ,p4,m4 ,the host should be careful to have his grounds well shaded1 his mallets1 balls1 and other arrangements in perfect order4 ,seats for such guests as are not playing should be scattered about in shady places4 ,refreshments may be handed round between the games1 or arranged as for matinees4 ,within the past few years1 a species of entertainment of a past generation has been revived in ,england1 and some attempts have been made to introduce it in this country4 ,it was1 and is1 called the ,kettledrum4 ,tea and coffee1 with biscuit and cake1 are served round from five to half-past five4 ,any one in the visiting circle of the house may go without an invitation2 the dress is full morning dress1 and the guests dance until seven o'clock4 ,from them guests often go to dinner parties1 and thence to balls1 so that a man may be considered to be in harness to society from five ,p4,m4 to #d ,a4,m41 and to be rather hardly driven1 too4 ,ceremony is laid aside upon these occasions1 and people act with greater freedom than at more formal gatherings4 ,in country parties1 ceremony is often required1 even upon occasions where more freedom of action would be desirable4 ,inattention to this matter may give offence1 as the hostess may fancy herself slighted merely because she is not city-bred4 ,avoid in country parties treading upon delicate ground1 talking of local squabbles1 church matters1 or the acknowledged feud of the village4 ,be punctual to the time stated for any kind of a country party1 as one late arrival may delay the carriages1 boats1 or other conveyances of an entire party4 ,many of these expeditions start at a very early hour1 to avoid the road during the heat of the day1 and if you accept the invitation1 you must relinquish your morning nap and appear at the appointed time4 ,seek out the hostess upon your arrival1 and if you can in any way assist her1 either by running for tardy servants1 packing luncheon hampers1 arranging the order of vehicles1 or any other last duties1 do so with alacrity4 ,private fetes in the country correspond to matinees in town1 and the same rules apply4 ,at pic-nics1 whether water or land parties1 etiquette is set at naught2 yet the true gentleman and lady will never leave true courtesy and politeness at home1 even if they lay aside forms and ceremonies4 ,everybody is to enjoy the time and freedom as much as possible1 within the limits of becoming mirth2 yet an act of rudeness1 a disregard of the gentle and delicate attentions of society1 will never increase the pleasure4 ,gentlemen at pic-nics must consent to become waiters1 guides1 servants to the ladies2 must scale mountains1 climb trees1 perform any feats desired by the fair tyrants1 if they fancy that lovely flower1 or exquisite bunch of sea-weed1 in impossible- to-get-at places4 ,if on a fishing party1 it is the gentlemen's place to bait the hooks for the fair anglers1 to assist them in landing their prey1 to find them shady nooks for seats1 and in every way to assist them4 ,if nutting or berrying are the objects of the party1 the gentlemen must climb the nut-trees1 seek out the berry-bushes1 carry double allowances of baskets and kettles1 and be ready for any assistance required in climbing fences or scrambling over rocks4 ,by the way1 the etiquette for climbing a fence is for the gentleman to go over as gracefully as possible1 turn his back upon the lady1 and not look round until she claims his hand to spring from the topmost bar4 ,she will not thank him if he insists upon shoving her over first1 or watches her while she climbs up4 ,boisterous deportment is not in good taste4 ,even the most romping games may be conducted as becomes ladies and gentlemen1 not as clowns4 ,couples should avoid straying too long or too far from their companions4 ,even if the luncheon or dinner is spread on the grass1 or eaten out of a basket1 gentlemen will see to the comfort of the ladies before eating themselves1 and1 need ,i say1 the freedom from the restraints of the table affords no excuse for gluttony or rudeness of any description4 ,on returning from a pic-nic1 the thanks of the party are due to the originators of it1 and should be paid by each one before the company disperses4 ,singing a comic song is a dangerous experiment1 as you may be personal without intending it4 ,an ,english lady of rank1 speaking of an evening party1 says3 ,at an evening party1 given expressly in honor of a distinguished lady of color1 we heard a thoughtless amateur dash into the broadly comic1 but terribly inappropriate' nigger' song of' ',sally1 ,come ,up4' ,before he had got through the first verse1 he had perceived his mistake1 and was so overwhelmed with shame that he could scarcely preserve sufficient presence of mind to carry him through to the end4 ,a modern writer of talent says3 ,your pleasure at any party will depend far more upon what you take with you into the room than upon what you find there4 ,ambition1 vanity1 pride1 will all go with anxiety1 and you will probably carry them all home again1 with the additional burden of disappointment4 ,even if they are all gratified1 you will know that others are disliking you1 even if envious of you4 ,to go with a sincere desire to please others by amiability1 good-nature and sympathy will probably result in your own popularity1 and if you entirely forget yourself1 you will be astonished to find how much others insist upon remembering you4 ,if at any morning or evening party you meet a distinguished guest1 it is ill-bred to follow him from one place to another1 listening to every word he utters1 and making him have the uncomfortable sensation of being stared at4 ,impromptu charades are a very popular amusement at the present day1 at both in-door and out-door parties4 ,if you have no talent for them1 you will only confuse others and make yourself appear absurd by insisting upon taking a part2 but even if you are dull1 do not refuse your assistance if it is really required1 trying1 by tact and modesty1 to cover up any deficiency in wit or talent4 ,the best rule for the management of parties1 be they in-door or out-door1 morning or evening1 city or country1 is to endeavor to find out the wishes of the majority of the guests and act upon that knowledge4 ,to force a large party of people to listen to awkward1 bungling charades1 because two or three amateur actors desire to show off1 proves a want of tact in the hostess2 to allow a few young people to guide the entertainments in a large assembly of older and graver ones1 is in equally bad taste2 it is1 of course1 better to assemble together as far as possible only those who are likely to be congenial and interested in the same subjects2 but this is not always possible1 and where the company is mixed1 the republican spirit should preside1 and the majority rule4 ,one word of warning to all who give parties4 ,you can never tell what ruin may be commencing when you urge wines or intoxicating beverages upon your young guests4 ,you may be the first to stimulate the appetite2 you may renew a passion that has been subdued2 you may turn a wavering will from the hardly gained resolution to abstain4 ,there are instances1 not a few1 but many1 where the love of liquor1 conquered and subdued1 has been revived in fiercest heat by cordials1 brandied peaches1 wine-sauces1 and similar apparently innocent refreshments4 ,it is better to appear mean than to tempt to ruin1 and in these days of temperance movements1 no lady will be censured or misunderstood who banishes every drop of intoxicating liquor from her table4 ,,visiting4 ,,never pay any visit upon a general invitation4 ,the ,spanish hidalgo1 who declares to you that his house1 lands1 all that he has1 are yours1 would be greatly surprised if you appropriated any of his things4 ,it is the same thing1 more or less1 with people elsewhere who give people general invitations to take up their quarters in their houses4 ,there are instances of visits of a month's duration being made upon the invitation1 ,if you visit ,b---1 ,i hope that you will not forget that ,i reside there1 and will be very happy to see you4 ,yet1 even where friends are not newly made1 but of long standing1 it is best not to pay visits unless by special invitation4 ,a thousand events may occur to render it inconvenient for one friend to have company that cannot be known to another1 hundreds of miles1 perhaps1 away4 ,if a friend really desires to extend hospitality to another1 she will send her an invitation1 which can be accepted with the prospect of mutual convenience and pleasure4 ,even in travelling1 if you are unexpectedly detained in a city where you have friends1 do not drive to their house uninvited4 ,go first to a hotel1 and let them know of your arrival1 leaving it optional with them to extend hospitality4 ,to drive at once to the house1 with your baggage1 forces an invitation1 which may cause much annoyance and inconvenience1 even if they are really glad to see you1 and it also renders you liable to be accused of meanness and a desire to save your hotel bill4 ,if you are afraid your friends will feel hurt if you do not make their house your home1 at least write to them and ascertain if they can conveniently receive you as you pass through their city4 ,even with relatives1 it is better to announce your coming1 that your hostess may so arrange her engagements and household as to leave her time to really enjoy your visit4 ,a special invitation should specify who is invited1 and no one not mentioned should go4 ,love me1 love my dog1 is a proverb that will not apply in such cases4 ,a person who is invited to visit at a friend's house is not at liberty to bring children and servants who were not included in the invitation4 ,a wife may1 of course1 accompany her husband1 unless there be special reason to the contrary1 and a husband must always have the opportunity of accompanying his wife1 or joining her4 ,if the length of your visit is not specified in your invitation1 a week is a good limit for your stay4 ,at all events1 make a move at the end of that time1 and if you are invited to stay longer1 and know that it is convenient for you to do so1 the time can then be definitely decided upon4 ,when you receive an invitation by letter1 answer it at the earliest possible moment1 and say decidedly whether you accept or decline it4 ,to leave your friends in doubt may prevent the same invitation being extended to others4 ,as soon as possible after accepting an invitation1 write and let your friends know by what train to expect you1 and keep your engagement1 that you may not keep any one waiting for you at the station for nothing4 ,if you are unavoidably detained1 write or telegraph and say so1 naming another hour for your arrival4 ,in inviting a friend to pay you a visit1 name a season when will you will be able to devote most of your time to their entertainment4 ,have always a room devoted especially to your guest1 and be sure that no one intrudes there without a special invitation1 and never enter it yourself without an invitation to do so4 ,before the arrival of a guest1 see yourself that the room is in perfect order1 well warmed if in winter1 shaded and cool if in summer2 let there be every convenience for bath and change of dress1 and writing materials and stamps ready to write if desired before unpacking4 ,have always a feather bed and mattress1 both feather and hair pillows upon the bed1 that your guest may have the choice4 ,many prefer feathers in the warmest weather1 others a mattress even in winter4 ,let the fire1 in winter1 be made every morning before your guest rises1 and keep a good supply of fuel in the room4 ,it is the duty of the host to send a carriage to the depot to meet an expected visitor1 and if possible to go himself4 ,after a warm welcome1 show the guest at once to the room prepared1 and give ample time for a bath and change of dress1 if it is in the day time4 ,if the arrival is late in the evening1 have a substantial supper prepared1 and then allow the traveller to retire1 being careful that on the first arrival the breakfast can be ready at a late hour1 that your friend may not be disturbed to breakfast with the family4 ,it is the duty of the hostess to share the meals of a guest1 no matter how irregular2 but any truly polite person will pay strict attention to the customary meal times4 ,when staying with friends1 endeavor as much as possible to conform to their regular habits4 ,be punctual at meal times4 ,ascertain over-night the hour for breakfast1 and be particular to be dressed in time for it4 ,after breakfast1 it is customary to leave visitors to their own devices1 unless some special arrangement is made for the forenoon2 but the hostess should introduce her guests to the piano1 billiard-table1 portfolios library-any device for passing time at her command2 and the visitor should accept this hint1 and expect no further attention during the forenoon4 ,it is1 however1 the duty of the host and hostess to accompany their guests to any points of interest in their city or neighborhood1 to accompany them if they desire to do any shopping1 and if they have any special habit1 as rising late1 napping in the afternoon1 or other little self-indulgence1 to see that they are never disturbed in it4 ,it is also a kindly courtesy1 if your friends have acquaintances ill the city beside yourself1 to inform them of their arrival1 even if strangers to yourself1 and invite them to call1 dine1 or take tea during the visit4 ,if you give your guests a party1 you must invite all their friends in the city1 even if they are strangers to yourself4 ,invite them in your guest's name1 enclosing your own invitation in theirs4 ,host and hostess should give up as much of their time as possible to their guests1 and should see that they are amused and taken care of4 ,it is a mistake1 however1 to suppose that visitors require constant attention1 and they should be careful not to bore them by over-attention1 which savors of fussiness4 ,a guest will often under such circumstances long for a lonely hour to devote to music1 reading1 or sewing1 but does not like to express the desire4 ,the truest courtesy is for the host to make his visitor feel as much at home as possible1 and for the visitor to disturb the host's household as little as possible4 ,where a lady is visiting1 she may with perfect propriety offer to assist her hostess in her household duties or family sewing2 but if she declines1 it is bad taste to insist4 ,she should1 however1 leave her hostess free for such duties in the morning1 being always ready to join her in the sitting-room when she is at leisure4 ,it is a graceful way to acknowledge the kindness of your hostess to work whilst with her upon some piece of embroidery1 a pianocover1 a sofa-cushion1 or some article of dress1 which you present to her when finished as a memento of your visit4 ,for a guest to make outside engagements1 disregard the meal times1 visit without consulting the host or hostess1 is to treat the house of a friend as if it were a hotel1 and is not only rude1 but positively insulting4 ,it is best1 if you are visiting a large city1 and desire to do shopping or to transact business1 to select the hours when you know your entertainers are otherwise engaged for such business1 and not tax them to accompany you1 unless they have similar affairs requiring attention1 when it may be pleasanter to have company4 ,neither hostess nor guest may accept any invitations which do not include the other4 ,if either hostess or visitor is in mourning1 the other must decline all invitations during the visit1 giving that as a reason4 ,it is always accepted in society as sufficient excuse4 ,if any sudden trouble comes into a house where you are visiting1 try to be of service4 ,let your friend feel that you have not visited her for gayety alone1 but are glad to sympathize in her trouble4 ,if sickness or death come1 share the nursing1 try to relieve the hostess of some of her family cares1 if it is only taking the children into your own room or out for a walk2 be ready to do the shopping required for mourning1 and take away every painful detail you can4 ,there is no comfort so great as a really useful sympathizing friend in times of trouble2 yet if relatives come and require rooms1 if you find you are a restraint and can be of no use1 it is the truest kindness to shorten your visit1 and leave the mourners free to comfort each other4 ,when visiting1 never depend upon your host for writing or sewing materials2 but it is a delicate attention for you1 if hostess1 to have your guest's room amply supplied with both4 ,it is extremely rude for visitors to make comparisons between the house at which they are visiting and others where they have enjoyed hospitality4 ,to inform your hostess indirectly that her house1 furniture1 table1 or servants are inferior to those of other friends1 is insulting1 and it is as much so to cast the slur upon the first house visited by vaunting the superiority of the second4 ,to a certain extent1 use your friend's servants as your own wholly so as far as your own personal wants require their services4 ,ask for whatever you want in your own room1 and give any requisite directions to the servant who waits upon you4 ,do not trouble the mistress of the house with matters which in your own house you would give to a servant4 ,at the same time1 avoid being troublesome2 put out your own washing1 and any extra work you require done1 and never call upon the servants at hours when they are otherwise employed4 ,if you are unfortunate enough during a visit to injure any article of furniture in your own room1 have it repaired or replaced at once at your own expense4 ,it is a graceful compliment for a gentleman during a visit to bring flowers1 fruit1 books1 or confectionery occasionally to the hostess1 and a lady friend will be gratefully remembered if she is kind to the children4 ,if a gift is made1 it must be to the hostess1 or if there are several children1 to the youngest4 ,if children are over twelve years old1 it is better to give any present to the mother2 but you will never give offence by a gift to the baby4 ,a gentleman may give baby jewelry1 and a lady a piece of handsome needlework4 ,you may be sure the parents will find no fault with this acknowledgment of their hospitality4 ,always hold yourself at the disposal of those in whose house you are staying4 ,if they propose to ride1 drive1 walk1 or other wise occupy the day1 you must take it for granted that these plans are made with reference to your enjoyment4 ,you should receive them with cheerfulness and enter into them with alacrity1 doing your best to seem pleased1 and be pleased1 by the efforts made to entertain you4 ,never mind if it is the twentieth time you have driven to see the lovely view from the hill four miles from here1 or you have paid a dozen previous visits to that beautiful waterfall just above the lake2 you must find a new tree to admire1 or a new point to sketch every time you go4 ,it is not expected that the host or hostess can devote the entire day to guests4 ,sir ,walter ,scott's conduct towards his guests at ,abbotsford furnishes a model of hospitality4 ,he never saw them till dinner2 but whilst he was busily engaged in writing1 he left his house1 servants1 carriages1 horses1 and grounds at their entire disposal4 ,byron gives a perfect picture of guest life at a country house3 ,the gentlemen got up betimes to shoot1 ,or hunt2 the young1 because they liked the sport ,the first thing boys like1 after play and fruit2 ,the middle-aged1 to make the day more short2 ,for ennui is a growth of ,english root1 ,though nameless in our language-we retort ,the fact for words1 and let the ,french translate ,that awful yawn which sleep cannot abate4 ,the elderly walked through the library1 ,and tumbled books1 or criticized the pictures1 ,or sauntered through the garden piteously1 ,and made upon the hot-house several strictures2 ,or rode a nag which trotted not too high1 ,or in the morning papers read their lectures2 ,or on the watch their longing eyes would fix1 ,longing at sixty for the hour of six4 ,but none were 'gene2' the great hour of union ,was rung by dinner's knell6 till then all were ,masters of their own time-or in communion1 ,or solitary1 as they chose to bear ,the hours1-which how to pass to few is known4 ,each rose up at his own1 and had to spare ,what time he chose for dress1 and broke his fast ,when1 where1 and how he chose for that repast4' ,in this country1 hospitality is but seldom conducted on the lavish broad scale possible at an ,english country residence2 but1 as far as possible1 it is better to allow guests perfect liberty for breakfast hour and morning employments4 ,great discretion must be used among guests to avoid all criticism on their host1 his friends1 his household1 his manner of living1 and all that concerns him4 ,if anything goes wrong during the visit1 one should seem not to see it4 ,if the dinner is late1 it is very impolite to appear impatient4 ,if any plan falls to the ground1 no comments or disapproval must be indulged in1 and no disappointment betrayed4 ,if the children of the house are fractious1 or noisy1 or ill-bred1 a visitor must never find fault with their behavior4 ,the same caution must be exercised in the treatment of your friend's friends4 ,they may be such as you do not care to become intimate with2 but you must not evince dislike or special avoidance1 and must always have recourse rather to a negative than a positive line of conduct4 ,a person of tact can always keep people at a distance without hurting their feelings4 ,your host's horses1 carriages1 books1 and grounds should be even more carefully used than if they were your own4 ,a goodnatured man will delight in seeing his visitors enjoy all the good things he places at their disposal2 but they should not abuse his indulgence4 ,to ride a horse too far or too fast1 to dog's-ear or blot the books in the library1 to gather choice and favorite flowers1 are all signs of an under-bred and selfish nature4 ,above all1 we should be thoughtful in our treatment of the servants1 never commenting upon their shortcomings1 or scolding them4 ,the religious opinions1 especially of those from whom we are receiving hospitality1 must on no account be shocked1 scoffed at1 or in any way treated with a want of respect4 ,if our friends go regularly to church1 we should accompany them there2 or1 without remark1 repair to the place of worship most agreeable to our own religious convictions4 ,if family prayers are read1 we should endeavor to be present4 ,if silent grace is the custom at meal times1 our heads must also bow1 and a short mental prayer be said4 ,if the ,sunday is observed with great strictness1 we should refrain from any pursuits to which objection could possibly be made1 even if they appear to ourselves perfectly proper and innocent4 ,in short1 we must remember that for the time the feelings and prejudices of the host and hostess are our own4 ,there is no occasion when it is more necessary to remember that social intercourse is made up of innumerable little acts of kindness1 self-denial1 charity1 chivalry1 and good-fellowship1 than when a number of people find themselves thrown together for companionship in the house of some mutual friend4 ,letters delivered in the presence of the host or hostess1 or when the other guests are present1 must not be opened until the receiver asks permission to read them4 ,a lady may never offer to pay any of the expenses incurred by taking her about--carriage hire1 steamboat fares1 or such outlay nor must a gentleman do so unless he is the only gentleman of the party4 ,it will then be well for the hostess1 before starting1 to hand him the necessary tickets previously purchased4 ,when a guest is ready to leave you1 be sure that the trunks are strapped and ticketed1 a carriage ready in good season1 a luncheon prepared for refreshment upon the journey1 a substantial meal ready in good season for comfortable enjoyment of it1 and the departure made as pleasant as possible4 ,welcome the coming1 speed the parting guest4 ,it is the first duty of the guest1 after returning home1 to write to the host or hostess1 expressing the pleasure derived from the visit1 and mentioning each member of the family by name1 desiring to be remembered to all4 ,,street ,,etiquette4 ,,when a gentleman recognizes a friend in the course of his walk1 he must lift his hat with the hand farthest from him4 ,lifting the hat is a sufficient recognition between gentlemen2 but in meeting a lady1 an old gentleman1 or a clergyman1 it is necessary to bow also4 ,if a gentleman wishes to shake hands with a friend1 he must lift his hat with the left hand1 leaving the right free to extend4 ,never must he give his left hand1 or extend a portion of the right4 ,the whole right hand is en regle4 ,a lady must recognize a gentleman1 by bowing1 before he is at liberty to acknowledge an acquaintance with her4 ,should she bow1 he must lift his hat and bow also4 ,if he is sufficiently barbarous to have a cigar in his mouth1 he must remove it while bowing to a lady4 ,if a gentleman is walking with a lady1 he should insist upon carrying any book1 parcel1 or umbrella she may have with her4 ,no gentleman may smoke when walking with a lady4 ,he should even decline to do so though he may be asked to continue smoking4 ,should a lady stop a gentleman to speak1 she must make a slight inclination of the head as a token of dismissal1 and he must accept it as such1 bow1 and leave her4 ,no lady will be guilty of the vulgarity of sucking the head of her parasol in the street4 ,to eat anything1 even confectionery1 in the street1 is a sign of low breeding4 ,a gentleman must give a lady1 an old gentleman1 or clergyman with whom he may be walking1 the upper side 7nearest the houses7 of the pavement4 ,if a gentleman meets a lady friend who is walking with any one he does not know1 he must not stop1 nor must he stop if his companion is unacquainted with a lady friend whom he may chance to meet4 ,the lady1 however1 has a perfect right to do as she likes4 ,if she should stop1 the strangers must be introduced1 and none of the group should go on and wait1 whether the introduction be agreeable or not4 ,a lady should avoid walking very rapidly4 ,it is very ungraceful and unbecoming4 ,swinging the arms is an awkward and ill-bred habit4 ,for a lady to run across the street1 to avoid a carriage passing1 is not only ill-bred1 but exceedingly dangerous4 ,to attempt to cross the street between the carriages of a funeral procession is rude and disrespectful2 and we cannot but commend the foreign custom of removing the hat1 and standing in a respectful attitude until the melancholy train has passed4 ,when a gentleman is walking alone1 he must always turn aside to give the upper side of the pavement to a lady1 to any one carrying a heavy load1 to a clergyman1 or to an old gentleman4 ,never push violently through a crowd4 ,if a gentleman or lady is really in haste1 a few courteous words will open a passage more quickly than the most vigorous pushing or shoving4 ,if a lady is caught in a shower1 and a gentleman offers an umbrella1 she may accept it1 if he is going in the same direction as herself and accompanies her4 ,if not1 and he still insists1 etiquette requires the return of the umbrella as soon as the lady reaches her destination4 ,no lady may accept this courtesy from a strange gentleman1 but must decline it firmly1 but politely4 ,stopping to stare in the shop-windows is against the rules of strict etiquette4 ,if a gentleman and lady are obliged to cross a narrow walk1 plank1 or slippery place1 the lady may go first1 and the gentleman walk close behind her1 to aid her if needful4 ,if the place is short1 then the gentleman should go first1 and then offer his hand to assist the lady across4 ,if a gentleman meet a lady or old gentleman at such a crossing1 he may1 with perfect propriety1 assist them in crossing1 even if perfect strangers to him4 ,a gentleman must hold his hat in his hand if he stops to inquire his own way1 or to direct another4 ,if a gentleman sees a lady alone hesitating at a bad crossing1 or leaving a carriage at an awkward place1 he may offer his hand to assist her in crossing or alighting1 raise his hat1 bow1 and pass on4 ,a lady may1 with perfect propriety1 accept such assistance from a stranger1 thanking him1 and returning his bow4 ,if a lady leaves an omnibus or car alone1 the gentleman nearest the door should alight1 assist her out1 and enter the omnibus again4 ,gentlemen should always pass up the fare of ladies in an omnibus4 ,a lady is not expected to recognize any acquaintance on the opposite side of the street4 ,in a public conveyance1 a gentleman should offer his seat to any lady who is standing1 and the lady should thank him audibly for the courtesy4 ,to turn his back upon her at once1 and thus force her to accept the courtesy in silence or shout her thanks1 is rude4 ,a polite bow exchanged is a sufficient acknowledgment4 ,loud talking and laughing in the street are sure signs of vulgarity4 ,never look back after any one passing2 it is extremely ill-bred4 ,staring is a mark of low breeding4 ,whispering in a public conveyance is excessively rude4 ,never call out loudly to an acquaintance who may be passing4 ,cutting is to be avoided1 if possible4 ,there are other ways of convincing a man that you will not know him2 yet1 to young ladies1 it is sometimes the only means available to rid them of a troublesome acquaintance4 ,cutting consists in publicly ignoring1 by deed1 and1 if need be1 by word1 the acquaintance of the offensive person4 ,a stiff bow will usually effect the desired object2 if not1 a purposed non-recognition will probably succeed4 ,it must be a very bad case where it is necessary to tell one you have not the pleasure of an acquaintance with them4 ,a gentleman must never under any circumstances1 cut a lady2 an unmarried lady may not cut a married one1 nor a young man an old one4 ,george ,,iv41 when ,prince of ,wales1 once cut ,beau ,brummell1 with whom he had quarrelled4 ,the pair met in ,st4 ,james-street1 each walking with a companion2 the companions stopped to speak1 but the ,prince did not see ,brummell4 ,the latter1 to be revenged1 and knowing the horror the ,prince had of being considered corpulent1 said to his companion1 in a stage whisper1 before the others were out of ear-shot1 ,who is your fat friend8 ,on meeting and passing people in the street1 keep to your right hand1 except when giving the upper side of the pavement as before mentioned4 ,let a lady walking with a gentleman have always the upper side of the pavement1 even if he changes sides at every turning4 ,young persons1 meeting elderly friends in the street1 should wait for a recognition before speaking1 and then bow respectfully4 ,to nod carelessly at an old person is rude1 if not actually insulting4 ,if you meet two gentlemen in the street1 and wish to speak to one of them1 apologize to the other1 and make the detention as brief as possible4 ,if a gentleman is about to enter or to leave a store1 and meets a lady in the door-way1 he must stand aside1 raise his hat1 and wait for her to pass4 ,if the door is closed1 and she is going the same way as himself1 he must pass before her1 bow1 saying1 ,permit me1 or allow me to open the door1 open it1 and hold it open until she has passed4 ,a gentleman walking with a lady should endeavor to accommodate his steps to hers1 not force her to stride along or trot with short steps or his long ones4 ,etiquette is too often disregarded in that grand aim of most ladies' excursions on the street--shopping4 ,true politeness will lead a lady to pay some attention to the feelings of the clerks and women in attendance1 and they are quick to observe who are ladylike1 and who are not1 in their intercourse with them4 ,do not enter a store unless you have some errand4 ,ask for what you want as explicitly as possible1 and do not take the time of the attendants by examining fifty things that you do not want4 ,if you do not intend to purchase goods1 but wish to examine them for future selections1 say so4 ,never try to cheapen goods4 ,if the price is too high for the quality offered1 or will not suit your purse1 look elsewhere for what will better suit you4 ,do not stand hesitating at a counter4 ,make up your mind quickly1 or leave the store to make your decision1 even if you return again4 ,be careful not to injure goods by handling4 ,never ask for patterns without apologizing for the trouble1 and not then unless you really intend to return for the goods1 as when you are shopping for a friend1 or wish for the judgment or taste of another person4 ,never give unnecessary trouble4 ,it is best to have all bundles sent home2 they are awkward additions to a walking-dress1 and boys are kept for that purpose in all well-arranged stores4 ,never keep a clerk waiting while you chat with a friend4 ,if you desire to speak with your acquaintances1 stand aside1 that the clerk may understand he is released for the time1 and free to wait upon other customers4 ,never call away a clerk who is waiting upon some one else4 ,wait1 if you have business with an especial clerk1 until you see that he is disengaged4 ,sneering remarks upon goods is rude in the extreme4 ,if they do not suit you1 you are not obliged to buy them2 but spare your comments4 ,lounging over a counter is ill-bred4 ,putting your elbows on a counter is rude4 ,pushing aside another person is an act of ill-breeding4 ,you must never take hold of a piece of goods another person is examining4 ,wait until it is replaced upon the counter1 when you are at liberty to take it up4 ,stage asides or whispering in a store are rude4 ,it is rude to interrupt friends you may meet in a store1 to ask their attention to your purchases1 before they have finished making their own4 ,it is as rude to offer your opinion1 unasked1 upon their judgment or taste in selection of goods4 ,a gentleman walking with two ladies may offer an arm to each of them1 and they may thus sandwich him if they wish2 but under no circumstances may a lady take the arms of gentlemen at each side of her4 ,if a gentleman is walking with two ladies in a rain-storm1 and there is but one umbrella1 he should give it to his companions and walk outside4 ,nothing can be more absurd than to see a gentleman walking between two ladies holding an umbrella1 which perfectly protects himself1 and sends little streams of water from every point on the dresses of the ladies he is supposed to be sheltering4 ,it is in bad taste to talk of personal matters in the street1 or to call loudly the names of persons you may mention4 ,it is impossible to say who may be near to you4 ,to discuss friends by name in a public conveyance of any kind is rude in the extreme4 ,if you meet a friend with whom you wish to shake hands1 never put out your own until you are quite near1 as nothing looks more awkward than hands extended to grasp each other two or three yards apart4 ,never turn a corner at full speed1 or you may find yourself knocked down or knocking down another by the violent contact4 ,never bow from a store to a person on the street1 or from the street to a person in a store4 ,never talk politics or religion in a public conveyance4 ,never stop to quarrel with a hack-driver4 ,pay his fare1 and dismiss him2 if you have any complaint to make1 take his number1 and make it to the proper authorities4 ,to keep a lady standing while you are disputing with a hack-man is extremely rude4 ,it is a sign of ill-breeding to change your seat in a car or omnibus4 ,if you are unfortunate enough to have a neighbor who is positively annoying and unendurable1 it is better to get out and take the next conveyance than to move to the other side4 ,a gentleman may move from a crowded side to one left comparatively vacant2 but a lady should not do this4 ,in a city1 or in any lonely place1 a lady must avoid being alone after nightfall1 if possible4 ,it exposes her1 not only to insult1 but often to positive danger4 ,it is very much the custom in small country places for two ladies to take evening walks2 but it is better to have the protection of a gentleman if convenient4 ,it is better for a lady to decline entering a car or an omnibus that is already full4 ,she must either stand up or force some polite gentleman to do so4 ,it is better to wait for the next conveyance4 ,,riding ,,and ,,driving4 ,,the rule of the road1 both in riding and driving1 is always to ,keep to the right1 as the law directs4 ,in inviting a lady to ride1 if a gentleman cannot offer the use of his own horses1 or the lady does not name a horse to which she has been accustomed1 he must be careful to select one of proved gentleness1 and trained to the side-saddle and riding-skirt4 ,it is exceedingly dangerous to allow a lady to mount a horse which may be entirely strange to a lady's hand or habit2 and it is not well to trust this important matter to a livery-stable keeper or servant4 ,a gentleman must be punctual to the appointed time1 as it is disagreeable for a lady to sit waiting in-doors in a riding-habit4 ,the lady1 too1 must exercise strict punctuality1 that the horses may not become restive from long standing4 ,arrived at the house of his fair companion1 the gentleman must carefully examine the entire furniture of her horse4 ,he must test the firmness of the saddle and girths1 examine well the stirrup leather1 guard against the danger of any buckle allowing a tongue of leather to slip1 see that the curb1 bridle1 headstall1 and reins are in perfect order2 for the entire control of the horse is lost if one of these breaks or slips4 ,leaving these matters to the stable-men entirely is unsafe1 as the constant handling of the harness is apt to make them careless in fastening and testing it4 ,it is the duty of the gentleman to see the lady comfortably seated in the saddle before he mounts himself4 ,having first asked permission1 he leads her to the horse4 ,a groom should not be allowed to render any assistance1 if a gentleman is present1 except ing to hold the horse's head4 ,the lady stands1 with her skirt gathered in her left hand1 on the near side of the horse1 her right hand on the pommel of the saddle1 and her face turned towards the horse's head1 ,the gentleman should stand at the horse's shoulder1 facing the lady1 and stoop so that her left foot may rest in his hand4 ,when the lady makes a spring1 the gentleman should1 with gentle firmness1 steadily and promptly help her foot up2 and when she is in the saddle1 he should put her foot in the stirrup1 and smooth her skirt4 ,it requires some practice to properly assist a lady into the saddle4 ,if the hand is not perfectly steady1 it is very unpleasant1 and any jerking motion is not only disagreeable1 but positively dangerous4 ,after the lady is in the saddle1 her escort should stand beside her until she has arranged her skirt1 got a firm foothold in the stirrup1 and has her reins and whip in order4 ,he may then mount his own horse1 and take his position on the lady's right4 ,in riding with two ladies1 if both are good horsewomen1 the gentleman should ride to the right of both2 but if they are inexperienced1 it is better for him to ride between them1 to be ready to assist them if necessary4 ,a lady must always give the pace4 ,a gentleman must never touch a lady's horse unless she actually requires his aid2 but he should be very watchful and ready for the most prompt attention if it is needed4 ,if a gentleman on horseback meet a lady who is walking1 and stops to speak to her1 he must dismount until she bows and leaves him4 ,a gentleman must go forward whenever a gate is to be opened or an obstruction to be removed1 and clear the way for the lady2 he must leap first when there is a fence or ditch to be crossed2 he must pay all tolls2 must first test any dangerous-looking place1 and must try to select the most desirable roads4 ,in dismounting1 a gentleman must offer a lady his right hand1 taking her left1 and using his own left as a step for her foot1 declining it gently as soon as she rises from the saddle1 and before she springs4 ,to spring from the saddle is not only awkward1 but dangerous1 and will often confuse a gentleman who is accustomed only to the proper mode of assisting the ladies to whom he offers his services as escort4 ,no gentlemen will force a lady to ride faster than1 she may find agreeable1 by an endeavor to display his own horsemanship4 ,a gentleman must be careful to protect his lady companion from the dust and mud1 as far as possible2 and if there is a choice of side for shade1 he may1 with propriety1 ride upon her left1 or fall a little behind her1 to allow her to take advantage of it4 ,in riding with an elderly gentlemen1 a younger man should extend all the courtesies of the road1 the shady side1 the choice of speed1 the choice also of direction1 and1 if there be a difference1 the best horse4 ,in a carriage1 where a coachman is outside1 the seat on the right hand1 facing the horses1 is the seat of honor1 and should be given to a lady1 an elderly gentleman1 or the guest4 ,in entering a carriage1 be careful that your back is towards the scat you wish to occupy4 ,the seat facing the horses is always left by gentleman for ladies4 ,if a lady and gentleman alone enter a carriage together1 the gentleman must take the seat opposite to the lady1 unless she invites him to sit beside her4 ,a gentleman be should careful1 in entering a carriage1 not to trample upon ladies' dresses1 shut their shawls in the door1 or commit any other gaucheries4 ,it is quite an art to enter or leave a carriage gracefully4 ,in quitting a carriage1 a gentleman must go first1 even though he may have to trouble the ladies by stepping across the carriage1 and he should then help the ladies to alight1 taking care not to allow the wheel to soil their dresses4 ,if there be a man-servant with the carriage1 a gentleman will allow him to lower the steps1 and hold the door open2 but he must on no account allow him to help the ladies out while he himself stands by4 ,a gentleman will always convey the orders of the ladies to the coachman4 ,if the carriage is driven by the gentleman himself1 there are many little points of etiquette which demand attention4 ,when a gentleman is about to take a lady1 an older gentleman1 or a guest to drive1 he must drive as close as possible to the mounting block or curb1 head his horse towards the middle of the road1 and back his buggy or wagon slightly1 separating the fore and hind wheels as much as possible4 ,this is especially necessary when a lady is to ascend to the wagon1 as it gives space for her dress to avoid the contact of the wheels1 and allows room for the driver to tuck her dress in after she is seated4 ,it is best to have always a carriage-blanket to cover entirely the skirt of a lady's dress1 that the mud of the road may not splash it4 ,when there is a post1 it is always safest to hitch the horse securely1 and give both hands to the lady's service4 ,never allow the horse to stand without some hold upon him2 if there is no post1 the reins must be held firmly in one hand1 while the other assists the lady4 ,no gentleman will show off his driving1 if he finds his companion timid4 ,he will adopt the pace most agreeable to her1 even if it condemns him to a funeral slowness4 ,it is courtesy for the owner of a wagon1 when driving a gentleman friend1 to offer him the reins1 but the offer should never be accepted4 ,if1 when driving a long distance1 with a hard-mouthed horse1 the companion can really relieve a tired driver1 it is then both courteous and kind to offer to take the reins for a time2 but it is not etiquette so to offer under any other circumstances4 ,if you offer a seat in a private carriage to any friends you may meet whilst abroad1 you must accompany them to their destination1 no matter how far it may be out of your own way4 ,for a gentleman1 when driving with a lady1 to put his arm across the back of the seat1 around her1 is a piece of impertinence which any well-bred lady will very justly resent4 ,if offered a seat in the carriage of a gentleman friend1 you should motion him to be seated first2 but if he stands aside for you1 bow1 and precede him4 ,after assisting a lady to her seat1 be certain that her parasol1 shawl1 and fan are all conveniently placed for her use before you take your own seat4 ,allow her all the space you can1 and be especially careful that the motion of your arms does not incommode her4 ,if a lady wishes to leave a carriage1 and the gentleman remains in it to wait her return1 he must alight to assist her out1 and also when she enters it again1 even if he resumes his seat during her absence4 ,it is a graceful act to leave a carriage in the proper manner4 ,in ,england1 young ladies are instructed in the manner of entering and leaving a carriage4 ,m4 ,mercy ,d',argenteau1 an ambassador of the last century1 tells an anecdote illustrative of the importance of this4 ,he says3 ,the ,princess of ,hesse-,darmstadt having been desired by the ,empress of ,austria to bring her three daughters to court1 in order that her ,imperial ,majesty might choose one of them for a wife to one of her sons1 drove up in her coach to the palace gate4 ,scarcely had they entered the presence1 when1 before even speaking to them1 the ,empress went up to the second daughter1 and1 taking her by the hand1 said3 ',i choose this young lady4' ,the mother1 astonished at the suddenness of her choice1 inquired what had actuated her4 ',i watched the young ladies get out of their carriage1' said the ,empress4 ',your eldest daughter stepped on her dress1 and only saved herself from falling by an awkward scramble2 the youngest jumped from the coach to the ground1 without touching the steps2 the second1 just lifting her dress in front1 so as she descended to show the point of her shoe1 calmly stepped from the carriage to the ground1 neither hurriedly nor stiffly1 but with grace and dignity4 ,she is fit to be an empress4 ,her eldest sister is too awkward2 her youngest1 too wild4' ,riding and driving are accomplishments in which it is very desirable for all ladies and gentlemen to be proficient4 ,to ride well1 one must be taught early1 and have practice4 ,like swimming1 riding cannot be learned from theoretical teaching4 ,lord ,herbert1 of ,cherbury1 says3 ,a good rider1 on a good horse1 is as much above himself and others as the world can make him4 ,,travelling4 ,,there are many little points of etiquette and courteous observances which1 if attended to1 serve very materially to lighten the tedium and fatigue of travel1 the non-observance of them being at tended with proportionally disagreeable effects4 ,no situation can be named where the difference between the well-bred and ill-bred of either sex is more marked than when they are upon a journey2 and in this country1 where all classes are thrown into contact in the various public conveyances1 the annoyance of rude company can scarcely be exaggerated4 ,the duties of an escort to a lady are manifold and various1 and the true lady will make them as light as possible1 striving1 by her own deportment and agreeable conversation1 to compensate her gentleman friend for the trouble she may occasion him4 ,to weary him constantly by complaints of the heat1 dust1 or flies2 to worry for half an hour over some unavoidable mishap or annoyance2 to lose or miss some part of her hand-baggage every five minutes2 forcing him to rise and search for what she eventually finds in her own pocket2 to inquire every few moments1 ,where are we now8 what time is it8 are we nearly at our journey's end8 to delay him1 when the train or boat does stop1 for arrangements that should have been made ten minutes before2 to fidget about her baggage2 or to find constant fault with what he cannot control1 are all faults in which lady travellers are prone to indulge1 but which all mark low breeding1 founded upon intense selfishness4 ,good-nature1 perfect courtesy1 patience1 punctuality1 and an easy adaptation to perhaps untoward circumstances mark the perfect lady in travelling4 ,when you see a lady1 detained perhaps for hours by a snow-storm1 pleasantly trying to beguile the time by conversation1 relieving tired mothers1 perhaps1 of the care of fretful children1 jesting pleasantly upon the unpleasant delay1 and uttering no complaint or impatient word1 even if half frozen or in utter discomfort1 you may be certain you see a perfectly well-bred lady in every sense of the words4 ,no lady should ever allow her escort to enter with her any saloon devoted exclusively to the use of ladies4 ,because he may be her own husband1 son1 father1 or brother does not excuse her1 as he cannot stand in such relation to others present4 ,if a lady in a car or stage finds the exertion of talking tiresome or painful1 she may say so frankly1 and no gentleman must take offence4 ,weak lungs may be really injured by the effort made to be heard above the noise of a locomotive or wheels4 ,in travelling alone1 a lady should speak to the conductor on a train1 or1 in a long steamer passage1 introduce herself to the captain1 explaining her unprotected situation1 and they are bound to extend every courtesy in their power4 ,it is better for a lady so travelling to wait until the rush of passengers is over before quitting a train or boat1 and then1 if not waiting to meet any one1 leave the station4 ,a lady travelling alone may1 with perfect propriety1 accept courtesy from strange gentlemen1 such as raising or lowering a window1 the offer of a hand across a slippery plank1 or any such attention1 being careful always to thank him politely for the same1 and in a tone that will not encourage conversation or further advances4 ,any apology made during a journey for accidental crushing1 crowding1 reaching over the seat1 or the like1 must be accepted1 a silent but courteous bow being the best acknowledgment of the politeness dictating such apology4 ,a gentleman1 on entering a public carriage or omnibus1 must never step before a lady1 but stand aside until she enters1 raising the hat slightly if she acknowledges his courtesy1 as a true lady will1 by a bow4 ,he may offer to assist her if she appears to need it1 even if she is a perfect stranger to him4 ,if a gentleman consents to act as escort to a lady1 he must carefully fulfill all the requirements of that rather arduous position4 ,if she meets him at a wharf or depot1 he must be a little before the hour for starting1 to procure her ticket1 check her baggage1 and secure for her a pleasant seat4 ,he must never leave her to stand in an office or upon a wharf whilst he attends to her tickets and baggage2 but1 having seen her comfortably seated in a ladies' room or cabin1 return for those duties4 ,in arriving at a station1 he must see her seated in a hack before he attends to the trunks4 ,in a hotel1 the gentleman must escort the lady to the parlor before securing her room1 but not detain her afterwards4 ,however agreeable she may be1 he may be certain she is longing to rest after her journey1 and remove the travel stains from her face and dress4 ,he must at once escort her to her room1 ascertain what hour it will be agreeable for her take the next meal1 and meet her again in the parlor at that hour4 ,he must not leave her upon arriving at the journey's end until he has escorted her to the house1 and if he remains in the city1 he must call the next day to inquire after her health4 ,after that1 the lady may continue the acquaintance or not1 as she pleases2 but if she declines to do so1 by nonrecognition at the next meeting1 he is at liberty to decline acting in the capacity of escort to her again4 ,a gentleman who is travelling alone may offer little courtesies to strangers1 and even to ladies1 carefully maintaining a respectful manner1 that may assure them they need not fear to encourage impertinence by accepting the proferred civilities4 ,in travelling abroad1 the truest courtesy is to observe as far as practicable every national prejudice4 ,the old proverb1 to do in ,rome as ,romans do1 is the best rule of etiquette in foreign travel4 ,the man who affects a supercilious disdain for all foreign customs and forms will not convince the natives of his vast superiority1 but impress them with the belief that he is an ill- bred idiot4 ,the most polite1 as well as agreeable travellers are those who will smilingly devour mouse-pie and bird's-nest soup in ,china1 dine contentedly upon horse-steak in ,paris1 swallow their beef uncooked in ,germany1 maintain an unwinking gravity over the hottest curry in ,india1 smoke their hookah gratefully in ,turkey1 mount an elephant in ,ceylon1 and1 in short1 conform gracefully to any native custom1 however strange it may appear to him4 ,comparisons are odious1 and to be continually asserting that everything in the ,united ,states is vastly superior to everything abroad is a mark of vulgarity4 ,if you really think there is nothing to be seen abroad as good as you have at home1 why1 you are foolish not to stay at home and enjoy the best4 ,a lady may1 under certain circumstances1 as1 if she be a married lady1 and not too young1 begin a conversation with a strange gentlemen2 but he must not1 under any circumstances1 begin a conversation with her4 ,an unmarried lady1 unless advanced in life1 is not supposed to begin conversation with a strange gentleman4 ,when a lady1 travelling alone1 wishes to descend from a railway car1 it is the duty of the gentleman nearest the door to assist her in alighting1 even if he resumes his seat again4 ,he may offer to collect her baggage1 call a hack1 or perform any service her escort would have attended to4 ,if a train stop for refreshments1 a gentleman may1 with perfect propriety1 offer to escort a strange lady1 who is alone1 to the refreshment-room1 or to bring to her any refreshments she may desire4 ,if she accepts his offer1 he must see that she is served with all that she desires before attending to his own wants4 ,a lady may always accept such an offer of attention1 thanking the gentleman for his politeness1 and dismissing him by a courteous bow1 which he must accept as an intimation that his services are no longer required4 ,smoking in the presence of ladies is uncourteous1 even if there is no law against it in the car1 stage1 or boat4 ,some smokers1 of more inveterate weakness in the direction of tobacco than of strength in politeness1 make a parade of asking the permission of any lady who may be present2 but this is hardly enough4 ,a lady will not like to refuse1 although she may dislike the smoke1 and she ought not to be put to her election between two alternatives almost equally disagreeable4 ,if gentlemen only are present1 the question should be put to each and every one of them whether they have any objection to smoking in their presence4 ,one dissentient voice should carry the day2 for no gentleman has a right to insist upon his own special gratification if it will cause annoyance and discomfort to others present4 ,should there be no objection on the part of the entire party1 the gentleman who first strikes his fusee should offer it to any others near him about to indulge also before he uses it himself4 ,as regards the right to have the window up or down1 the person who sits facing the the engine has the command4 ,ladies1 being present1 should1 of course1 be consulted1 no matter on which side they may be sitting1 and their wish must be considered a final settlement of the question4 ,if a gentleman have any newspapers1 he must offer them first to his travelling companions4 ,if refused1 he may use them himself1 thus leaving them free to read also if they so desire4 ,,etiquette ,,in ,,church4 ,,in visiting a church in which you have no pew of your own1 wait in the vestibule until the sexton comes to you1 and request him to show you to a seat4 ,it is extremely rude to enter a pew without invitation if it is partially filled1 or without permission if it is empty4 ,always enter a church slowly and reverentially4 ,a gentleman must remove his hat at the door1 and never replace it until he is again in the vestibule4 ,conform strictly to the forms of worship4 ,if you are not familiar with them1 rise1 kneel1 and sit as you see others do4 ,never whisper to a companion in church4 ,never make any noise with your feet or fingers4 ,never stare round the building4 ,never bow to any friend while in the church itself4 ,greetings may be exchanged in the vestibule after service4 ,a gentleman accompanying a lady to a ,roman ,catholic church1 even if himself a ,protestant1 may offer her the holy water1 and it must be with an ungloved hand4 ,gentlemen must pass up the aisle beside their lady companions until they reach the pew1 then advance a few steps1 open the door1 and stand aside until she has entered1 then enter1 and close the door again4 ,it is a bad plan to leave the hat outside1 as it is liable to be swept down the aisle by the skirts of ladies passing4 ,if there is not room for it on the seat1 it can be put upon the floor inside the pew4 ,never pay any attention to those around you1 even if they are noisy or rude4 ,if you pass a book or a fan to a person in the same pew1 or accept the same attention1 it is not necessary to speak4 ,a silent bow is all that etiquette requires4 ,if you have room in your own pew1 and sea a stranger enter1 open the door and motion him to enter4 ,it is not necessary to speak4 ,you may find the place and point it out to a stranger1 who is unfamiliar with the service2 but do so silently4 ,a lady should never remove her gloves in church1 unless to use the holy water1 or the right-hand glove at communion4 ,to come late to church is not only ill-bred1 but disrespectful4 ,it is equally so to hurry away1 or to commence preparations for departure1 closing and putting away the books1 and such preparations1 before the service closes4 ,never keep any one waiting if you are invited or have invited them to go to church4 ,when visiting a church abroad1 not to attend divine service1 but to see the edifice1 choose an hour when there is no service4 ,if you find worshippers1 however1 are present1 move quietly1 speak low1 and endeavor not to disturb their devotions4 ,the godmother at a christening must accompany the family of her little godchild to and from the church1 and should send her gift 7usually a silver cup7 the day before4 ,in attending a funeral not in your own family1 never leave the pew until the mourners have passed into the aisle2 but rise and stand while they pass1 falling into your proper place as the procession passes you4 ,it is ill-bred for gentlemen to congregate in the vestibule of a church and there chat familiarly1 often commenting audibly upon the service or the congregation4 ,no true lady likes to run this gauntlet1 although in this country they are too often obliged to do so4 ,to show any disrespect to a form of worship that may be new or strange to you is rude in the extreme4 ,if you find it trying to your own religious convictions1 you need not again visit churches of the same denomination2 but to sneer at a form1 while in the church using that form1 is insulting and low-bred4 ,,etiquette ,,for ,,places ,,of ,,amusement4 ,a ,,gentleman who wishes to invite a young lady1 who is not related to him1 to visit any place of public amusement with him1 must1 the first time that he invites her1 also invite another lady of the same family to accompany her4 ,no young lady should visit public places of amusement with a gentleman with whom she is but slightly acquainted1 alone4 ,it is a gentleman's duty to invite a lady long enough before the evening of the performance to be certain of securing pleasant seats1 as it is but a poor compliment to take her where she will be uncomfortable1 or where she can neither hear nor see4 ,although a carriage may not be necessary on account of the weather1 it is a more elegant way of paying attention to a lady to provide one4 ,never assume an air of secrecy or mystery in a public place2 and even if you have the right to do so1 assume no lover-like airs4 ,it is rude to converse loudly1 especially during the performance2 but a low tone is all that is necessary2 not a whisper4 ,to appear to comment aside upon those near you is extremely ill- bred4 ,a lady is not expected to bow to a friend across a theatre or concert-room2 but a gentleman may recognize his lady friends4 ,a lady must answer a note of invitation to visit a place of public amusement as soon as possible1 as1 by delay1 she may keep her gentleman friend in doubt1 and deprive him of the pleasure of inviting another friend if she declines4 ,it is ill-bred to arrive late at any public entertainment1 and looks as if you were not sufficiently master of your own time to be punctual4 ,in a theatre1 give your attention entirely to the stage when the curtain is up2 to your companion when it is down4 ,it looks badly to see a lady staring round the house with an opera-glass4 ,never is a modest dignity more becoming than in a theatre4 ,to indulge in extravagant gesture1 laugh boisterously1 flirt a fan conspicuously1 toy with an eye-glass or opera-glass1 indulge in lounging attitudes1 whisper aside1 are all unlady-like in the extreme4 ,if you speak to your companion during the performance1 do so in a low tone1 that you may not disturb those who are near you1 and wish to hear the actors4 ,in entering a concert-room or tile box of a theatre1 a gentleman should precede a lady1 if there is not room to walk beside her1 until they reach the seats1 then hand her to the inner one1 taking the outside one himself4 ,in going out1 if he cannot offer her his arm1 he must again walk before her1 until he reaches the lobby1 and then offer her his arm4 ,boisterous applause and loud laughter are ungentlemanly4 ,it is in bad taste to distract your companion's interest from the performance1 even if you find it dull yourself4 ,no gentleman should leave a lady alone for a moment in a public place of amusement4 ,he may subject her to annoyance1 or he may find another lady in his seat when he returns1 which would separate him from his companion until the close of the performance2 for1 although a gentleman when alone should offer his seat to a lady or old gentleman who cannot procure one1 he is not expected to do so when escorting a lady4 ,his place is then that of protector to his charge1 and he must not relinquish it for a moment4 ,secure a libretto1 or programme1 before taking your seat1 that you may not be obliged to rise to get one4 ,at the opera1 conversation during the performance is in the worst taste4 ,the lowest tone will disturb the real lovers of music4 ,exclamations of ,lovely6 ,exquisite6 ,how sweet6 and others1 are all proofs of vulgarity4 ,if you promenade at a concert or between the acts at a theatre1 you may bow to friends the first time you pass them only4 ,a lady must not allow other gentlemen to join her1 if she would not offend her escort1 and no gentleman will stop a lady to speak to her4 ,a conversation of a moment or two is all that is allowable in such meetings4 ,if seats are secured1 it is best to arrive about five minutes before the commencement of a performance2 but if a gentleman is escorting a lady to an entertainment where seats cannot be secured1 he should call for her at an early hour1 that she may get a good place4 ,in a picture-gallery1 never stand conversing before the paintings in such a way as to interrupt the view of others4 ,if you wish to converse1 stand aside or take seats and do so4 ,a gentleman alone may join lady friends for a few moments between the acts at a theatre1 or in the intermission at a concert1 but only for a few moments1 as their escort has a prior claim upon their attention4 ,it is an act of rudeness to join any party about to visit a place of amusement1 or at one1 unless urgently invited1 and no one of taste will ever form a third4 ,if two or three ladies are in the party and but one gentleman1 another gentleman1 if well acquainted1 may offer his services as escort to one of the ladies1 and if not allowed to share the expenses1 should invite the party to partake of refreshments after the performance is over4 ,always enter a concert-hall or lecture-room as quietly as possible ,never push violently through a crowd at a public place4 ,a lady will always find room made for her if she requests it1 or if it is requested by her escort4 ,after escorting a lady to a place of amusement1 a gentleman may ask permission to call the following morning or evening1 and the lady must be at home to receive that call4 ,she should take that opportunity to thank him for the pleasure she has enjoyed1 and find some warm words of praise for the performance4 ,to severely criticize on such an occasion is rude to the escort1 who has intended to give pleasure1 and the performance must be bad indeed where nothing can be found to merit a word of praise4 ,in visiting a fancy fair1 too many persons act as if they were in a store1 cheapening the articles offered for sale1 and being careless about their criticisms and remarks4 ,it is impossible to tell who may be wounded by such conduct4 ,the very lady who offers you an article you pronounce absolutely hideous may have spent hours in its manufacture1 and feel proportionately hurt at your remarks4 ,courtesy and words of praise are never more appreciated than by those who have spent weary hours in preparing for this most troublesome of all charities4 ,on the other hand1 the position of a lady at the table of a fancy fair is necessarily an exposed one1 and requires a great amount of modest dignity to support it4 ,flirting1 loud talking1 importunate entreaties to unwilling friends to buy your goods1 are all in bad taste2 and it is equally bad to leave your place every few moments to visit the refreshment-table in company with your gentlemen friends4 ,we heard a lady boast once that she had been seventeen times in one day to the refreshment-table for the good of the fair1 and we could not but think the cause might have been aided without quite such a display of gastronomic energy4 ,no true lady will follow friends all around the room offering goods for sale1 nor force articles on reluctant purchasers by appealing to their gallantry4 ,in entering a fancy fair where many ladies are present1 strict etiquette requires a gentleman to remove his hat1 and carry it whilst in the room1 but it is a rule much neglected4 ,it is rude for a lady to take advantage of the rule which prevents a gentleman from asking for change at a fair4 ,if he says1 in presenting a larger amount than the purchased article calls for1 ,pray accept the balance for the object for which you are working1 she may1 of course1 place the gift in her cash-box2 otherwise it is more lady-like to give back the change4 ,,servants4 ,,it would be difficult to express the sense of etiquette on this subject better than by quoting ,lord ,chesterfield's words3 ,i am more upon my guard1 he writes1 as to my behavior to my servants and to others who are called my inferiors than ,i am towards my equals1 for fear of being suspected of that mean and ungenerous sentiment of desiring to make others feel that difference which fortune has1 and perhaps too undeservedly1 made between us4 ,conduct towards servants should be always equal1 never violent1 never familiar4 ,speak to them always with civility1 but keep them in their proper places4 ,give no occasion for them to complain of you2 but never suffer yourself to complain of them without first ascertaining that your complaint is just1 seeing that it has attention1 and that the fault complained of is remedied4 ,beware of giving servants the inch2 there is no class so prone1 under such circumstances1 to take the ell4 ,if staying in a friend's house1 you may assume1 to a certain extent1 that your friend's servants are your servants4 ,but this must be only so far as you are yourself concerned4 ,you must not1 on any account1 give directions respecting the general conduct of the menage4 ,for all your own personal wants1 however1 you are free to command their services4 ,ask for anything1 under their control1 that may be lacking in your own room2 for whatever you need at meal times2 let them call you in the morning if you sleep soundly2 do not send them on errands1 however1 without first ascertaining that it will not interfere with their regular routine of household duty2 but do anything and everything required for your own personal convenience and comfort through the servants4 ,it is contrary to all laws of etiquette to trouble your host or hostess with all your petty wants4 ,never apologize for the trouble you give them2 but if you should1 through illness or other cause1 occasion more work than a visitor ordinarily brings to a household1 let the gift1 which1 in any case1 you would make to the servants on leaving the house1 be somewhat heavier than would otherwise have been necessary4 ,this question of fees to servants is a very important one4 ,many people are disposed to regard it as an imposition which is tolerated only through the force of custom4 ,others view it in the light of paying for an extra burden1 which their presence has laid upon the servant's shoulders4 ,the latter view1 if not entirely the correct one1 is1 at least1 as reasonable as the former1 and a generous nature will probably adopt it4 ,the opposition will say1 ,but all cannot afford to make these presents1 and ,the servants are hired on the express understanding that they will have to serve their employer's guests1 as part of the work they are engaged to do4 ,there is something in this2 but1 on the other hand1 it might be asked1 ,do any of you who complain of having to make these involuntary gifts for extra service on the part of the servants1 rest satisfied in your own mind when your profession1 business1 or the service from which you draw your source of living1 requires extra exertions from you8 ,you are1 perhaps1 the manager of the greatest bank that ever was opened1 or the director of the largest department under the control of the ,state4 ,do you not1 when anything more than usual is required of you1 look for1 if you do not get1 extra remuneration1 in the shape of promotion1 money1 or testimonials8 ,i am sure you do1 if you would speak honestly1 and1 if so1 how can you suppose servants should expect otherwise8 ,whether they get all they look for1 or think they ought to have1 is a separate affair4 ,perhaps you1 too1 do not get all you deem yourself to merit4 ,the system of fees is1 no doubt1 like all other human institutions1 liable to considerable abuse4 ,at one time it was considered beneath the dignity of a gentleman to give anything but gold1 and whilst that superstition prevailed1 it must doubtless have pressed very hard upon poor people1 to whom to go into society was to be ruinously fined1 without the privilege of appeal4 ,even at the present day1 there are certain classes of servants who are as death1 and cannot be satisfied1 unless their 'itching palms are heavily laden with their fee2 but they are but rarely approached by poorer people4 ,with regard to the amount of fees to servants in a household1 it is not possible to lay down any precise rule4 ,much must depend on the length of the visit1 the position of the master of the house1 and the position in which you are supposed to stand toward him2 and on each of these points you must exercise your own discretion1 and consult your own means or generosity4 ,gentlemen give fees to the men servants only1 as a general rule1 and ladies give to the female servants only2 and though the strict observance of this rule may seem at times to work injustice1 it is better to adhere to it than to mar the comfort and position of those who come after you1 and who may not have the means of being liberal over and above the prescribed standard4 ,under no circumstances is a lady called upon by the rules of etiquette to give fees to men servants2 the lady's-maid and the housemaid are the only ones she is expected to remember2 but if a gentleman visit where only female servants are employed1 he should make them a present on his departure4 ,feeing the servants in a hotel is open to many objections1 as it is apt to influence them unduly in second or third arrivals at the same house2 but it is a custom so fixed that it has become second nature to them to look for it4 ,it is certainly a person's own fault if he submits to being fleeced by the servants ill a hotel4 ,attendance is certainly included in the high prices charged1 yet the custom prevails in spite of it1 and those who do not comply with it will soon find the difference1 although there may be nothing sufficiently impertinent or negligent for positive complaint4 ,fees to railway porters and others are certainly not required by the rules of etiquette to be paid4 ,the payment of them is indeed forbidden by many of the railway companies2 but the receiving of them is winked at1 the result being that travellers who want attendance are1 for the most part1 obliged to pay for it4 ,the system is1 however1 a pernicious one1 and travellers should discourage it as much as possible1 if only for the sake of those who cannot afford to sustain it4 ,i am sorry1 said a gentleman to a porter 7need we say an ,irishman87 who had looked after a number of parcels1 and stowed them conveniently away in the car1 that the regulations of the company do not allow me to give you a shilling4 ,if your honor1 replied the porter1 with a grin1 were to lose two1 ,i should know where to find them4 ,at a dinner party1 an evening company1 a ball1 or like occasions1 it is customary1 on coming away1 to give a trifle1 the gentleman to the waiter who hands him his hat1 etc41 the lady to the attendant in the dressing-room2 but you are not called upon to remember every servant in attendance4 ,there is a story told of an old ,english gentleman1 rich enough to be above the suggestion of poverty1 and notoriously liberal enough to be above the imputation of meanness1 who1 being at a dinner party1 was presented by one servant with his hat4 ,to this man he gave a shilling4 ,another advanced1 and helped him into his coat1 and to him the old gentleman also gave a shilling4 ,a third gave him his cane1 and received in exchange a shilling2 but when a fourth approached1 bearing his gloves1 the old gentleman gazed upon him for a moment1 and then said1 quietly3 ,you may keep them1 my good man2 it'll be cheaper for me than to receive them1 and then walked out4 ,this was1 however1 an abuse of advantage on the part of the servants1 which1 if repeated1 others would do well to rebuke in a similar manner4 ,an ,english writer on this subject gives some hints that would be equally conducive to regularity and comfort if adopted in this country1 saying3 ,there is no question but that we should seek to perform all our duties without hope of recompense2 and yet1 as regards our treatment of servants1 we should be especially careful that1 in endeavoring to make their bodily comfort and mental improvement an object of consideration1 we do not allow ourselves to dwell upon the hope of gratitude or affection from them in return4 ,many have done so1 and having1 with that view1 been tempted to accord unwise indulgences and to overlook serious faults1 they have found that1 far from gaining the love of their servants1 they have incurred their contempt2 and when they have perceived that their favors1 unappreciated1 have led but to new encroachments1 they have hardened their hearts1 and rushed into an opposite extreme4 ,then they have considered their servants as mere machines1 from which labor must be extorted by all available means4 ,a man-servant is rarely grateful1 and seldom attached4 ,he is generally incapable of appreciating those advantages which1 with your cultivated judgment1 you know to be most conducive to his welfare4 ,do you accord to him regular hours1 and a stated allowance of work2 do you refrain from sending him out because it is wet1 and he is unwell2 do you serve yourself rather than ring for him at dinner time1 he will rarely have the grace to thank you in his heart for your constant consideration4 ,hear him4 ,he will thus describe a comfortable place3' ,there were very few in the family2 when they went out of a night1 we made it up in the morning2 we had nice hot suppers1 and the cook made a good hash for breakfast1 and we always get luncheon between that and dinner2 and we were all very comfortable together1 and had a friend in when we liked4 ,master swore at us sometimes1 but often made us a present for it when he had been very violent2 a good-hearted man as ever lived1 and mistress was quite the lady1 and never meddled with servants4 ,it was a capital place4' ,servants' sympathies are with their equals4 ,they feel for a poor servant run off his legs1 and moped to death2 they have no feeling for a painstaking mistress1 economical both from principle and scanty means2 they would 7most of them7 see her property wasted1 and her confidence abused without compunction4 ,it is the last effort of virtue in a servant if1 without any private reason1 he should discharge his duty by informing you of the injury which you are enduring at the hands of his fellow-servant4 ,it is an effort of virtue2 for it will bring down many a bitter taunt and hard word upon his faithful head4 ',i never got a servant out of a place by telling tales on him1' will be said to him4 ,directly a servant departs1 we all know1 tongues tied before are loosened to gain our favor by apparent candor4 ,when it can avail us nothing1 we are told4 ,we all know this1 and have said3',be silent now2 you should have mentioned this to me at the time it occurred4' ,supposing1 then1 you have the rara avis1 the servant that 'speaks at the time1' be chary of him--or let me say her 7the best servants are women74 ,oh6 as you value her1 let her not suppose you cannot part with her4 ,treat her with confidence1 but with strict impartiality2 reprove where necessary1 mildly1 but decidedly1 lest she should presume 7power is so tempting71 and compel you1 if you would retain your freedom1 to let her go4 ,there is one thing a man-servant values beyond all that your kindness and consideration can do for him--his liberty2 liberty to eat1 drink1 and be merry1 with your things1 in the company of his own friends2 liberty to get the housemaid to clean his candlesticks and bring up his coals2 and the housemaid wishes for liberty to lie in bed in the morning1 because she was up so late talking to ,john in the pantry2 liberty to wear flounces and flowers4 ,the cook desires liberty too4 ,for this liberty1 if you grant it1 they will despise you2 if you deny it1 they will respect you4 ,aim at their esteem2 despair of their love or gratitude2 make your place what the best class of servants will value1 and1 though in their heart they may not thank you for it1 you will gain1 perhaps1 one servant out of twenty who will keep gross imposition and gross immorality at bay4 ,these remarks can never be intended to deny the warm attachment of female servants to the children of their employers4 ,deep love1 no doubt1 is lavished by many a woman on the babe she has nursed4 ,there is a great deal to be said on the chapter of nurses2 which would require to be dealt with by itself4 ,much wisdom is required in the administration of a nursery1 to which but few general rules would apply4 ,cruel is the tyranny the nurse frequently practises on the parent1 who often refrains from entering her nursery1 not from want of love for her children1 but positive dread of the sour looks which greet her4 ,let her be firm2 let no shrinking from grieving her darling1 who would 'break his heart if his ,nana went1' deter her from discharging the encroaching servant4 ,on the choice of servants much of the comfort of the young housekeeper depends4 ,it often happens that her choice has been determined by appearance rather than the value of character4 ,if such be the case1 she will have many difficulties to encounter4 ,it is1 in the present day1 hardly safe to take a servant if there be a single objection to character1 however it may be glossed over by the person referred to on this point2 for there is now an unhealthy disposition to pass over the failings of servants who have left their places1 and to make them perfect in the eyes of others4 ,in respect to sobriety1 many people will not acknowledge that a servant had had the vice of drinking1 but will cover the unpleasant truth with such gentle and plausible terms that it becomes difficult to comprehend how far the hint is grounded1 or not4 ,be assured when a lady or gentleman hesitates on this point1 or on that of honesty1 it is wiser not to engage a servant4 ,nor are you deviating from ,christian charity in not overlooking a dereliction of so material a sort4 ,the kindest plan to the vast community of domestic servants is to be rigid in all important points1 and1 having1 after a due experience1 a just confidence in them1 to be somewhat more indulgent to errors of a more trivial nature4 ,it is always desirable to have1 if possible1 servants of one faith ,but if it so happens that you have a ,roman ,catholic servant and a ,protestant in your service1 you are bound to allow each the free exercise of her religion1 and you ought not to respect them if1 out of interest1 they will conform to yours4 ,an exercise of authority on this point amounts1 in my opinion1 to an act of tyranny1 and it can only tend to promote insincerity1 and1 perhaps1 engender skepticism in its object4 ,nothing is1 indeed1 so dangerous as to unsettle the faith of the lower classes1 who have neither time nor opportunity of fairly considering subjects of religious controversy4 ,while on the subject of servants1 ,i must deprecate the over indulgence of the present system towards them4 ,formerly they were treated with real kindness2 but it was the kindness that exacted duty in return1 and took a real interest in the welfare of each servant4 ,the reciprocal tie in former times between servant and master was strong2 now it is wholly gone4 ,the easy rule of masters and mistresses proceeds far more from indifference than from kindness of heart2 for the real charity is to keep servants steadily to their duties4 ,they are a class of persons to whom much leisure is destruction2 the pursuits of their idle hours are seldom advantageous to them1 and theirs are not minds1 generally1 which can thrive in repose4 ,idleness1 to them1 is peculiarly the root of all evil2 for if their time is not spent in vicious amusements1 it is often passed in scandal1 discontent1 and vanity4 ,in writing thus1 ,i do not recommend a hard or inconsiderate system to servants4 ,they require1 and in many instances they merit1 all that can be done to alleviate a situation of servitude4 ,they ought not to be the slaves of caprice or the victims of temper4 ,their work should be measured out with a just hand2 but it should be regularly exacted in as much perfection as can be expected in variable and erring human nature4 ,another point on which ,i would recommend firmness is that of early hours4 ,in this respect1 example is as important as precept2 but1 however uncertain you may be yourself1 ,i would not relax a rule of this kind2 for every comfort during the day depends on the early rising of your servants4 ,without this1 all their several departments are hurried through or neglected in some important respect4 ,your mode of address to servants must be decisive1 yet mild4 ,the authoritative tone ,i do not recommend4 ,it is very unbecoming to any young person1 and it rarely attains the end desired2 but there is a quiet dignity of deportment which few servants ever can resist4 ,this should be tempered with kindness1 when circumstances call it forth1 but should never descend to familiarity2 for no caution is more truly kind than that which confines servants strictly to their own sphere4 ,much evil results from the tendency1 more especially of the very young or of very old mistresses of families1 to partiality4 ,commonly1 one servant becomes the almost avowed favorite2 and it is difficult to say whether that display of partiality is the more pernicious to the servant who is the object of it1 or to the rankling and jealous minds of the rest of the household4 ,it is true that it is quite impossible to avoid entertaining a greater degree of confidence in some servants than in others2 but it should be shown with a due regard to the feelings of all4 ,it is1 of course1 allowable towards those who take a decidedly responsible and confidential situation in a household4 ,still1 never let such persons assume the reins of government2 let them act the part of helmsmen to the vessel1 but not aspire to the control of the captain4 ,it is generally wise and right1 after a due experience of the principles and intentions of servants1 to place confidence in their honesty1 and to let them have the comfort of knowing that you do so4 ,at the same time1 never cease to exercise a system of supervision4 ,the great principle of housekeeping is regularity1 and without this 7one of the most difficult of the minor virtues to practise71 all efforts to promote order must be ineffectual4 ,i have seen energetic women1 clever and well-intentioned1 fail in attaining a good method1 owing to their being uncertain in hours1 governed by impulse1 and capricious4 ,i have seen women1 inferior in capacity1 slow1 and apathetic1 make excellent heads of families1 as far as their household was concerned1 from their steadiness and regularity4 ,their very power of enduring monotony has been favorable to their success in this way1 especially if they are not called upon to act in peculiar and difficult cases1 in which their actual inferiority is traceable4 ,but these are not the ordinary circumstances of life4 ,in this country1 servants are proverbially more troublesome than in ,europe1 where service is often transmitted through generations in one family4 ,here1 the housekeeper is obliged to change often1 taking frequently the most ignorant of the lower classes of foreigners to train into good and useful servants1 only to have them become dissatisfied as soon as they become acquainted with others1 who instill the republican doctrine of perfect equality into their minds1 ruining them for good servants4 ,there are some points of etiquette1 however1 upon which every lady should insist3 ,never allow a servant to keep people waiting upon the door step4 ,never allow servants to treat any one disrespectfully4 ,never allow servants to turn their own proper duties over to the children or other servants by a bribe4 ,many fond parents would be amazed if they knew how much running and actual work was performed by little ,nellie or ,charlie1 and how many fits of mysterious indigestion were caused by the rich cake1 candy1 or half-ripe fruit that paid for the service and bribed the silence4 ,never allow a servant to keep a visitor standing parleying on the door-step1 while she holds the door ajar4 ,train the door-servant to admit any caller promptly1 show them to the parlor1 bring up their cards at once1 and return with your answer or message4 ,there are two occasions in a man's lifetime when may he make his account with liberality to servants1 whether he will or whether he will not4 ,these two are the occasions of his marriage and his funeral4 ,on his marriage1 the bridegroom is expected to make presents to all the servants of his father-in-law or mother-in-law1 rather according to their expectations than according to his means4 ,to old servants1 who have been attached to the bride1 the bridegroom will naturally wish to give some token of the value he sets upon their devotion4 ,new dresses1 new shawls1 money1 or a handsome equivalent of it1 are expected4 ,money is usually given to the other servants2 ,the amounts must1 of course1 depend1 in a great degree1 upon the means of the bridegroom2 but he must be prepared for a heavy outlay on the occasion1 if the servants be numerous4 ,,hotel ,,etiquette4 ,,let us start this chapter by saying that no word of it is addressed to the sterner sex1 who will find hints for their etiquette under the head of ,travelling2 but it is for the especial guidance of ladies1 many of whom in this independent country travel without escort4 ,when a lady arrives alone at a hotel1 she should1 if possible1 be provided with a letter of introduction to the proprietor2 she should send for him immediately upon her arrival1 present her letter1 or her card1 and mention the time for which she desires to secure a room4 ,in going to meals1 a lady should request one of the waiters to meet her at the dining-room door1 and escort her to the table1 saving her the awkwardness of crossing the room alone1 and showing others that she is a regular resident in the house4 ,she may keep the services of this waiter at table during her stay1 and should give him a present of money before leaving4 ,in giving an order at a public table1 a lady should decide quickly what dishes she desires1 and order them in a low but distinct tone4 ,no lady will stare round the room1 fidget with her napkin1 plate1 knife1 or fork1 play with the salt1 or exhibit any awkward embarrassment1 while waiting for a meal to be served4 ,it is allowable to look over a newspaper in the interval at breakfast2 but the habit1 quite common1 of carrying a novel to the table is not lady-like4 ,if a lady accepts any civility from a gentleman at the same table1 such as placing butter1 sugar1 or water nearer to her plate1 she must thank him2 but by no means start a conversation with him4 ,if a lady have friends at the table1 she may converse in a low1 quiet tone2 but any loud tone1 laughing extravagantly1 or gesticulations1 are exceedingly ill-bred4 ,to comment upon others present1 either aloud or in a whisper1 is extremely rude4 ,a lady must never point to any dish she wishes passed to her4 ,if she cannot call it by name1 a well-trained waiter will know her wishes if she looks at the dish4 ,any bold action or boisterous deportment in a hotel will expose a lady to the most severe censure of the refined around her1 and may render her liable to misconstruction1 and impertinence4 ,greetings offered by other ladies at the table1 or in the parlor1 should not be too hastily checked1 as the acquaintance so formed is never required by etiquette to be recognized elsewhere4 ,a lady alone at a hotel should wear the most modest and least conspicuous dress appropriate to the hour of the day4 ,full dress must not be worn unless she has an escort present4 ,a lady should never go alone to the supper-table after ten o'clock4 ,if she returns from an entertainment at a later hour1 and has no escort to supper1 she should have that meal sent to her room4 ,a lady should carefully lock her trunks before leaving her room at a hotel1 and should give her purse and jewelry into the care of the proprietor on her arrival1 ringing for them if she requires them during her stay4 ,no lady should open a window in a hotel parlor1 if there are other ladies near it1 without first ascertaining that it will not inconvenience them4 ,no lady should use the piano of a hotel uninvited if there are others in the room4 ,it looks bold and forward to display even the most finished musical education in this way4 ,it is still worse to sing4 ,a lady should never go herself to the door of a hotel to call a hack4 ,ring for a servant to perform this office1 and he will bring the hack to the ladies' entrance4 ,no lady should stand or linger in the halls of a hotel1 but pass through them quietly1 never stopping alone for a moment4 ,no lady should stand alone at the front windows of a hotel parlor1 nor may she walk out on the porch1 or1 indeed1 any conspicuous place4 ,a lady is not expected to recognize her friends across the parlor or dining-room of a hotel4 ,no scolding of servants is permissible in a hotel4 ,if they are negligent or disrespectful1 complain to the housekeeper or landlord2 it is their business to keep the domestics in order1 not that of their guests4 ,for a lady to go up the stairs of a hotel singing is ill-bred1 and may expose her to rudeness4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to take any newspaper1 book1 or music you may find in a hotel parlor to your own room1 even if you return it4 ,lolling or lounging in a public parlor can never be permitted to a lady4 ,it is a breach of etiquette for a lady to touch her baggage in a hotel after it is packed4 ,there are plenty of servants to attend to it1 and they should carry to the hack even the travelling- shawl1 satchel1 and railway novel4 ,nothing looks more awkward than to see a lady1 with both hands full1 stumbling up the steps of a hotel hack4 ,no lady must ever pass in or out at the public entrance of a hotel4 ,there is always an entrance for ladies especially1 and it is bold and unbecoming for them to be seen in the one appropriated to gentlemen4 ,a gentleman who will escort a lady through the public entrance shows a lamentable ignorance of the usages of hotel life4 ,,wedding ,,etiquette4 ,,to those who require to be taught how they may express themselves in those delicate negotiations which precede the question of marriage1 this little book is not addressed4 ,it is not proposed to introduce form and ceremony into that which should spring purely and spontaneously from the heart1 and which should be the most natural expression of a most natural feeling1 in connection with which etiquette would be simply a mockery4 ,etiquette1 being only a system devised and found convenient for the social rule and guidance of the many1 cannot by any possibility be applied to the conduct of two who may reasonably be supposed to be acquainted with each other's sentiments before they begin to speak about them4 ,if they are not so acquainted1 all the etiquette in the world cannot help them1 nor preserve them from making what may be a blunder of the most awkward kind4 ,there are people who profess to teach how and in what terms an offer of marriage should be made1 whether by letter or by mouth1 and1 in either case1 what should be said4 ,i pretend to no such knowledge1 believing that if the heart cannot suggest the way and the words1 nothing else can do so4 ,yet1 the wiser way1 usually1 is in speech4 ,letters are seldom expressive of what really passes in the mind of a man2 or1 if expressive1 seem foolish1 since deep feelings are liable to exaggeration4 ,every written word may be the theme of cavil4 ,study1 care1 which avail in every other species of composition1 are death to the lover's effusion4 ,a few sentences1 spoken in earnest1 and broken by emotion1 are more eloquent than pages of sentiment1 both to parents and daughter4 ,the place of etiquette1 the social law which regulates the conduct of engaged people towards others1 and of other people towards them1 is immediately after the announcement of the engagement2 then there is scope for the display of good manners and good breeding1 and there are certain rules which must be observed4 ,some members of the gentleman's family1 his nearest relations1 should call upon the family of the lady1 and they should return the call as soon as possible4 ,it is by no means necessary that the two families should be intimate2 there may be good and sufficient reasons why they should not be so2 all that is necessary is the show of civility1 which is included in the interchange of visits4 ,if the family of the gentleman does not reside in the same city as that of the lady1 the announcement of the engagement should be followed by letters from his parents or nearest relatives to the young lady herself or her parents4 ,kindly and cordial feeling should be the prevailing tone of such letters1 and they must be answered at once4 ,though it is often true that the gentleman who aspires to love one member of a family must make his account in loving all the rest in some degree1 there is no necessity for such a display of amiability on the part of the lady4 ,it is customary for the gentleman to make some present to his fiancee soon after the engagement4 ,the most elegant and desirable present is a handsome ring1 the engagement ring1 which should be either of diamonds or pearls4 ,the lady sometimes returns a similar ring1 or the gentleman has two made exactly similar1 each of the betrothed wearing one4 ,the first present must be made by the gentleman4 ,it is very proper for this first present to be followed by gifts upon appointed days1 as birthdays1 ,christmas1 or ,new ,year's ,day1 and the lady is at perfect liberty to return the compliment4 ,it is considered more elegant for the gentleman to offer jewelry1 the lady some gift which is the work of her own hands1 as a handsome pair of embroidered slippers1 a handkerchief with richly embroidered monograms1 a cigar-case embroidered1 or some similar gift4 ,when once the engagement is allowed1 it is the custom to admit the gentleman into the intimate society of his newly-adopted relatives2 he is looked upon as something more than a potential member of the family2 he is implicitly trusted in every way4 ,it is a gross breach of good manners to omit the gentleman from any invitation in which his fiancee is included1 and there are not many young ladies who would consent to accept such an invitation4 ,there is1 however1 no rule of etiquette forbidding an engaged lady to do so1 if she so desires4 ,in return for the membership which is accorded to him in the lady's family1 the engaged man should show all possible deference towards the of members it1 especially to the parents4 ,towards the sisters of his lady love1 he should be kind2 and generally attentive1 and frank1 and cordial in his intercourse with her brothers4 ,if there are young children in the family1 nothing will make him more popular with the older members than an occasional gift of toys or confectionery1 or an excursion during the holidays with the schoolboys1 who will readily swear allegiance1 after such a trip1 to the man ,emily is going to marry1 or 7vulgar little wretches that they are7 to ,amelia's beau4 ,it is not according to the strict laws of etiquette for the brothers and sisters to call the new member at first by his ,christian name4 ,much will depend on his age and his disposition4 ,there are some people whom one can never address otherwise than formally1 while with others it seems perfect nonsense to call them otherwise than by the most familiar term4 ,if not a positive requirement of etiquette1 it is1 at least1 a politic thing to pay considerable attention to the future mother- in-law4 ,to occupy a good place in her esteem and affection is to smooth many a furrow1 which otherwise might trip one up in his walk over the tender ground that leads to matrimony4 ,an engaged man should never forget the exceedingly abnormal position he occupies with reference to the lady's family2 the inconvenience his presence may occasion1 and the amount of forbearance necessary on their parts to insure even a friendly status for him in the household4 ,he should endeavor to repay this by a careful attention to the general rules of the family1 and even to the particular fancies of the members2 he should rigidly observe their hours for meals1 and be careful not to stay later in the evening than the usual hour for the household to retire4 ,there should be the most perfect candor1 on the gentleman's part1 concerning the state of his financial affairs1 and he should respectfully consider the worldly position of the family he is to enter1 never doing anything to hurt their feelings1 either by word or act1 should their status be below his own1 and never professing scorn or contempt for wealth or power1 should their status be higher than his own4 ,during the arrangement of pecuniary matters1 a young lady should endeavor to understand what is going on1 receiving it in a right spirit4 ,if she has a private fortune1 she should1 in all points left to her1 be generous and confiding2 at the same time1 prudent4 ,many a man1 she should remember1 may abound in excellent qualities1 and yet be improvident4 ,he may mean to do well1 yet have a passion for building2 he may be the very soul of good nature1 yet be fond of the gaming-table2 he may have no wrong propensities1 and yet have a confused notion of accounts1 and be one of those unfortunate men who muddle away a great deal of money1 no one knows how2 or he may be a too strict economist1 a man who takes too good care of the pence1 till he tires his wife's life out about an extra dollar2 or he may be facile1 or weakly good-natured1 and have a friend who preys on him1 and for whom he is disposed to become security4 ,finally1 the beloved ,charles1 ,henry1 or ,reginald may have none of these propensities1 but may chance to be an honest merchant1 or a tradesman1 with his floating capital in business1 and a consequent risk of being one day rich1 the next a pauper4 ,upon every account1 therefore1 it is necessary for a young lady to have a settlement on her2 and she should not1 from a weak spirit of romance1 oppose her friends who advise it1 since it is for her husband's advantage as well as her own4 ,by making a settlement1 there is always a fund that cannot be touched--a something1 however small1 as a provision for a wife and children2 and whether she have a fortune or not1 this ought to be made4 ,an allowance for dress should also be arranged2 and this should be administered in such a way that a wife should not have to ask for it at inconvenient times1 and thus irritate her husband4 ,flirtations on either side should be avoided1 not only as1 matter of etiquette1 but of humanity4 ,no one who is really sincere in his professions will wish to inflict pain on the object of his affections4 ,the same remark applies to the other side4 ,can it be anything but painful in the extreme for a really loving heart to see in the beloved one a tendency to trifle with the most sacred emotions of the heart8 ,it is not etiquette to make signal displays of devotion in public1 or to be constantly sitting apart from the rest of the company2 but1 on the other hand1 the authorities will do well to make occasions when the engaged pair can be by themselves1 doing so1 not ostentatiously1 but rather doing it1 without speaking of it or drawing attention to it4 ,nothing can make an engaged couple look more foolish1 and feel more uncomfortable1 than for the family to quit the room in which all have been sitting1 with some such remark as3 ,come away6 ,fanny and ,mr4 ,amor want this room to themselves4 ,poor ,fanny6 ,in equally bad taste is exclusiveness by the happy couple themselves4 ,their devotions should be reserved for a tete-a- tete1 and women are generally in fault when it is otherwise4 ,they like to exhibit their conquest2 they cannot dispense with attentions2 they forget that the demonstration of any peculiar condition of things in society must make some one uncomfortable3 the young ladies are uncomfortable because they are not equally happy2 the young gentlemen detest what they call nonsense2 the old think there is a time for all things4 ,all sitting apart1 therefore1 and especial displays are in bad taste2 and they so often accompany insincerity1 that the truest affections are apt to be those which are reserved for the genuine and heartfelt intimacy of private interviews4 ,at the same time1 airs of indifference and avoidance should be equally guarded against2 since1 however strong and mutual attachment may be1 such a line of conduct is apt needlessly to mislead others1 and so produce mischief4 ,true feeling1 and a ladylike consideration for others--a point in which the present generation essentially fails--are the best guides for steering between the extremes of demonstration1 on the one hand1 and of frigidity on the other4 ,it is the lady's exclusive privilege to appoint the wedding-day2 and however impatient the lover1 he must submit patiently to her decree upon this important point4 ,when the day is fixed1 it is customary for the bridegroom to have ready for the occasion a handsome present1 usually a parure of jewels1 but governed1 of course1 by his means and generosity4 ,in ,france1 this gift is called the corbeille de mariage1 and the rule there is to make its value ten per cent4 of the bride's private fortune4 ,it consists of a handsome basket or box1 containing shawls1 jewels1 lace1 furs1 gloves1 fans1 and a purse containing a sum of money in new gold pieces4 ,this gift is always placed on exhibition with the rest of the wedding presents4 ,it is etiquette for wedding presents to be sent always to the bride1 never to the bridegroom1 though they be given by friends of the latter4 ,they may be sent at any time during the week previous to the wedding-day1 and it is customary to display them1 handsomely arranged before the ceremony4 ,in sending out invitations to a wedding1 there are two cards folded in the invitation in the envelope4 ,the invitation is in the name of the bride's mother-or if she is not living1 the relative or friend nearest the bride-and is as follows3 ,,mrs4 ,,leon ,,church ,,at ,,home1 ,wednesday1 ,october #bdth1 ,,from #aa ,,till #b o',,clock4 ,no4 #gd ,l--- ,,street4 ,the two cards1 one large and one small1 are folded in this1 which is printed upon handsome note-paper4 ,upon the large card is engraved3 ,,mr4 ,,and ,,mrs4 ,t4 ,l4 ,,burns4 ,on the smaller one3 ,,miss ,,caroline ,,church4 ,if1 however1 there is no bridal reception on the wedding-day1 but the young people receive after their return from the bridal tour1 the card containing their joint names contains also the date of reception1 as3 ,,mr4 ,,and ,,mrs4 ,t4 ,l4 ,,burns ,,at ,,home1 ,wednesday1 ,novenber #agth1 ,,from #aa ,,till #b ,o',,clock4 ,no4 #fad --- ,,street4 ,or1 ,,mr4 ,,and ,,mrs4 ,t4 ,l4 ,,burns ,,at ,,home1 ,wednesdays in ,novemnber1 ,,from #aa ,,till #b ,o',,clock4 ,no4 #fad --- ,,street4 ,the bridal calls are not expected to be returned until the last day of reception4 ,the bridegroom should give to the first groomsman the control of affairs1 and the money for the necessary expenses4 ,he it is who presents the snowy bouquet to the bride1 the bridegroom making a similar offering to the bridesmaids4 ,it is the first groomsman who leads the visitors up to the young couple for the words of congratulation4 ,it is he who gives the clergyman his fee1 who engages the carriages1 and1 in short1 makes all arrangements4 ,if1 as is often the case1 the whole bridal party go to the depot to see the happy pair start for the wedding trip1 it is then the first groomsman who secures tickets1 checks baggage1 and secures pleasant seats for the ,benedict and bride4 ,it is his duty1 also1 to send the notice of the marriage to the newspapers4 ,in ,england but one groomsman1 or best man1 is allowed to a bridal party1 though the bridesmaids may number a dozen1 but in this country one groomsman is allowed for every bridesmaid4 ,if the wedding takes place in church1 it is customary to reserve the front seats in the body of the church for the relatives of the young couple4 ,it is the height of rudeness for any one1 whether clergyman1 bridegroom1 or any member of the bridal train1 to keep the bride waiting4 ,the clergyman should be within the rails1 the bridegroom and groomsmen should be in the vestry-room1 by the time bride is due at the church4 ,the bridesmaids may receive the bride in the vestibule1 or may accompany her to the church4 ,the bridal party should meet in the vestry-room4 ,then the bride1 leaning on the arm of her father1 heads the procession2 the bridegroom1 with the bride's mother upon his arm1 follows2 then groomsmen and bridesmaids in couples follow4 ,at the altar1 the bridegroom receives the bride1 and the ceremony begins4 ,the groomsmen stand behind the bridegroom1 the bridesmaids behind the bride4 ,the bride and bridegroom remove the right hand- glove in some churches2 in others it is not deemed necessary4 ,the bride stands on the left of the groom4 ,when the wedding takes place at the house of the bride1 it is customary to divide the room1 either by folding doors or a curtain1 and allow the bridal party to be grouped before their friends see them4 ,if1 however1 this is not convenient1 they enter in the same order as in church4 ,it is somewhat customary of late for the bride and groom to walk arm-in-arm to the altar2 but it is against established etiquette2 the bride should walk with her father1 or1 if orphaned1 with whoever takes the father's place on the occasion4 ,where a ring is used1 it is the duty of the first bridesmaid to remove the bride's left-hand glove4 ,after the ceremony1 the parents of the bride speak to her first2 then the parents of the bridegroom before other friends4 ,after the ceremony1 the bride and groom go in the same carriage from the church to the house1 or from the house to the railway depot4 ,if there is a breakfast or supper1 the bride does not change her dress until she assumes her travelling dress4 ,if parties are given to the bride and groom1 the groomsmen and bridesmaids must be also invited1 and1 if they prefer1 all may wear the dress worn at the wedding4 ,this is1 however1 optional4 ,during the fortnight following a wedding1 friends of the family should call upon the mother of the bride4 ,it is contrary to etiquette to wear mourning to a wedding4 ,even in the case of a widowed mother to either of the happy pair1 it is customary to wear gray1 or some neutral tint1 upon the wedding- day1 even if the deepest mourning is resumed afterwards4 ,the bridal dress and the costume of the bridesmaids are not matters that come so much within the province of etiquette as of the fashions1 which vary as the winds4 ,all that etiquette requires is that good taste shall guide the whole of the arrangements4 ,pure white is the only color worn by the young bride1 and the full veil of lace1 with wreath of orange flowers1 is de rigueur2 but for a widow1 pearl-color or tinted silk1 without any veil or wreath1 is better4 ,if the bride is a maiden no longer young1 it is not in good taste to wear the dress of a youthful bride4 ,white gloves1 vests1 and ties are demanded for the bridegroom and groomsmen4 ,the bridesmaids may wear colors1 but a prettier effect is produced by dresses of pure white1 with trimmings only of color4 ,the travelling dress of a bride should be very modest in color and fashion1 as it is in extremely bad taste to draw attention to the bride when travelling4 ,it is not etiquette1 at a wedding or wedding reception1 to congratulate the bride2 it is the bridegroom who receives congratulations2 the bride1 wishes for her future happiness4 ,a gentleman or lady who is acquainted with both bride and groom must speak first to the bride2 but if a stranger to either1 may first speak to the one with whom he is already acquainted1 who will then introduce the other4 ,if a stranger to both bride and groom1 the first groomsman must make the introduction4 ,,etiquette ,,for ,,baptisms4 ,,in the baptisms of infants there are certain customs in the world of good society1 independent of the religious ceremonies4 ,a few hints will suffice1 as each sect has its own peculiar forms known to the members of that church2 we do not profess to guide these1 but merely the worldly observances4 ,it is not customary to invite mere acquaintances to be godfather or godmother to an infant2 these should be tried friends of long standing1 or better still1 near relations1 to whom the obligations thus imposed will be pleasures and not tasks4 ,never invite any friends to be godfather or godmother1 who are not of the same church as the child to be baptized4 ,when you are invited to stand godfather or godmother to an infant1 never refuse without grave cause1 and then do so immediately1 that the parents may have time to make other arrangements4 ,it is unkind1 as well as impolite1 to refuse to act in this capacity towards children who1 from poverty or other reasons1 may occupy an inferior position in society to your own4 ,it is customary to allow the godmother to select herself the godfather4 ,it is1 however1 customary for the maternal grandmother and the paternal grandfather to act as sponsors for the first child2 the paternal grandmother and the maternal grandfather as sponsors for the second child4 ,if the grand-parents are not living1 the nearest relatives of the same church should be invited4 ,it is customary for the sponsors to make the babe a present4 ,if it is a little boy1 the godfather gives a silver cup1 with the full name engraved upon it1 and the godmother some pretty piece of silver1 jewelry1 or dress4 ,if a little girl1 it is the godmother who gives the cup1 and the godfather the other gift4 ,where the sponsors are wealthy1 it is not unusual to fill the christening- cup with gold pieces4 ,the godmother often adds to her gift the christening robe and cap1 both trimmed with white ribbons--for a babe should wear only pure white when presented for baptism4 ,it is contrary to etiquette to invite young persons to stand as sponsors for an infant4 ,in the ,roman ,catholic church1 it is customary to baptize an infant as soon as possible4 ,if the child is very delicate1 it is customary to send at once for the priest1 and have the ceremony per formed in the bed-room2 but if the babe is healthy and likely to live1 it is usually taken to the church for baptism1 as young as the physician will permit4 ,in entering the church1 the nurse1 carrying the child1 goes first2 then follow the sponsors1 who do not walk arm-in-arm2 then the father1 and after him the invited guests4 ,when the ceremony commences1 the sponsors stand on each side of the child1 the godfather on the right1 and the godmother on the left4 ,the babe should be held lying in the arms of the nurse1 its head upon the right arm4 ,the cap should be tied so as to be easily unfastened and removed4 ,when the priest asks who are the sponsors of the child1 it is sufficient for them to incline the head1 without speaking4 ,baptism is a gratuitous ceremony in the church1 but it is customary for the father to present some token to the officiating clergyman1 in the name of the babe1 or1 where parents are wealthy1 to make a handsome donation to the poor of the parish1 through the clergyman4 ,in the ,protestant churches1 it is customary to defer the baptism until the mother of the child can be present4 ,it is always desirable to have the ceremony performed in the church1 if possible2 but if there is a necessity for it1 such as the illness of the child or the parents1 it can take place in the house of the parents1 by their special request4 ,no one should ever offer to act as sponsor for a child4 ,it is the privilege of the parents to make the selection amongst their relatives or friends4 ,if the ceremony is performed at the house of the parents1 a carriage must be sent to the house of the clergyman to convey him to the house of the parents1 and wait until after the ceremony1 to convey him home again4 ,it is extremely rude to expect a clergyman to provide his own conveyance1 or to walk4 ,friends invited to a christening usually carry some gift to the babe2 gentlemen a gift of silver1 and ladies some pretty piece of needlework4 ,if the ceremony is performed in the house of the parents1 or if the guests return there from the church1 the only refreshments required by etiquette are cake and wine4 ,the father of the child usually gives a present of money to the nurse who carries the babe to the church4 ,it is not etiquette to remain long at a christening2 and it is better taste for the infant to be removed to the nursery as soon as the ceremony is over4 ,to keep a weary mother sitting up entertaining guests1 or a cross1 tired child on exhibition1 are either of them in bad taste4 ,for a guest to show any annoyance if a child cries loudly1 or is in any way troublesome1 is the height of rudeness4 ,remarks or even frowns are forbidden entirely1 even if the infant screams so as to make the voice of the clergyman entirely inaudible4 ,etiquette requires that the babe be praised if it is shown to the guests1 even if it is a little monster of pink ugliness4 ,ladies1 especially mothers1 will see something beautiful1 if only its helpless innocence1 and gentlemen must behold infantile graces1 if they cannot actually behold them4 ,mother's darling must be the great attraction at a christening1 if it only improves the occasion by a succession of yells4 ,,etiquette ,,for ,,funerals4 ,,when the saddest of all the ceremonies of this life calls forth the sympathy of friends and relatives1 there are many little points the observance of which evinces a delicate consideration for the mourners1 and a respect for the melancholy occasion4 ,in entering the house of mourning1 a gentleman must remove his hat in the hall1 and not replace it while in the house4 ,loud talking in the chamber of death is a rudeness which shows not only a want of respect for the dead1 but a want of consideration for the grief of the survivors4 ,all quarrels must be forgotten in the presence of death4 ,enemies who meet at a funeral are bound by etiquette1 if not by feeling1 to salute each other with quiet gravity4 ,whilst the body of the dead remains in the house1 no visitor must expect to see the members of the bereaved family1 and no offence may be taken if admission is refused to the nearest friends4 ,the formalities necessary upon the death of a member of a family entail upon the survivors many painful interviews1 many directions1 and often most harrowing discussions4 ,it is1 therefore1 customary to entrust these details to some relative or friend1 who1 while near enough to carefully direct the affairs1 is yet able to bear the trying details better than the members of the immediate family4 ,it is best to select some one accustomed to the discharge of this duty1 and more prudent to name a limit for the expenses4 ,where there are no funeral arrangements made in the will1 the person taking this charge may ask one interview with the nearest relative1 but after that1 relieve them of all care in the matter4 ,if there is no friend who can undertake these trying duties1 it is then customary to make the undertaker the master of the painful ceremonies4 ,to surround the funeral ceremonies with great parade and pomp is usually more of a vain and ostentatious display than an act of respect towards the dead2 at the same time1 any meanness or parsimony is in bad taste4 ,the expenses should be governed by the position of the deceased1 and the means of the survivors4 ,if invitations are sent out1 it is customary to have a number printed1 and sent to the friends4 ,the following is the usual form3 ,you are respectfully invited to attend the funeral of ,j4 ,j4 ,c1 on ,wednesday1 the #bdth of ,may1 #ah-1 at #aj o'clock ,a4,m41 from his late residence1 ,no4 #agd street4 ,to proceed to ,laurel ,hill ,cemetery4 ,or1 if the services are not at the house3 ,you are respectfully invited to attend the funeral of ,j4 ,j4 ,c1 from the church of the ,incarnation1 on ,wednesday1 the #bdth of ,may1 at #aj o'clock ,a4,m4 ,to proceed to ,laurel ,hill ,cemetery4 ,it is contrary to the rules of etiquette to send these invitations by post4 ,a list of the persons invited must be given to the person directing the funeral ceremonies1 and he will give the undertaker a list of the order in which the guests are to be placed in the carriages1 if the funeral leaves the city1 or the order of the procession if the guests go to the grave on foot4 ,if the invitation is given through the newspapers1 the words ,without further notice must be added1 and the guests will not expect another invitation4 ,the list is then omitted1 and no especial order observed in placing the guests in carriages or procession4 ,guests invited to a funeral must not present themselves before the hour appointed1 when the corpse is generally exposed for the last gaze of the friends4 ,it is customary for the family to pay their last visit to the coffin just before that hour1 and all intrusion is against the customs of society4 ,the corpse usually is exposed in a drawing-room1 and the family assemble in another apartment1 if the services are to be conducted in church1 and the guests go from the house there4 ,if1 however1 the guests are invited to meet the funeral in church1 the coffin is usually placed in front of the chancel1 with the lid removed1 and friends pass1 from the feet to the head1 up one aisle and down another1 after the services are over4 ,if the guests assemble at the house of the deceased1 it is customary for some near relative1 not of the immediate family1 to receive them1 and do the honors of the occasion4 ,the ladies of the family are never expected to see the guests at a funeral2 but it is optional with the gentlemen4 ,strict etiquette at the present day denies the ladies of the family the privilege of following the corpse from the house2 but it is a custom more honored in the breach than in the observance4 ,when the funeral procession is ready to start1 the clergyman leaves the house first1 and enters a carriage1 which precedes the hearse4 ,then follows the coffin1 which is placed in the hearse2 the next carriage is for the immediate family and relatives4 ,guests stand uncovered while these mourners pass them1 no salutation being expected4 ,the gentleman who does the honors should precede the family as they pass from their room to the carriages1 assist them in1 close the door1 and motion the driver to move slowly forward1 and to the next carriage to drive up to the door4 ,the same order is observed at the church door1 where the master of ceremonies assists the mourners to leave and re-enter the carriages4 ,when the private carriage of the deceased follows the hearse1 it should be empty1 and precede the other carriages4 ,if the friends go on foot1 and the weather is cold1 the gentlemen may wear their hats2 but if the weather is mild1 it is customary to walk uncovered1 with the hat in the right hand4 ,if the hat is worn1 it must be removed as the coffin passes from the hearse to the church1 when the guests form a double line1 down which it is carried1 and the same line and observance must be made after the service1 as the coffin is carried from the church to the hearse again4 ,if lady friends attend a funeral1 if they are not in mourning1 they should wear grave1 quiet colors4 ,to go to a funeral in a gay dress is insulting4 ,upon the coffin of an infant or young person1 it is customary to place a wreath of white flowers4 ,upon the coffin of a married person1 a cross of white flowers is usually placed4 ,upon the coffin of an army or navy officer1 the hat1 epaulets1 sword1 and sash are placed1 and it is customary to use the flag to cover the coffin4 ,a sufficient number of carriages should be provided to carry all invited guests to the cemetery4 ,at the cemetery1 the priest or clergyman walks in advance of the coffin1 and the others alight from the carriages and stand around the grave4 ,after the carriages leave the cemetery1 it is not customary for the guests to return to the house of the mourners2 but each may1 on re-entering the carriage1 direct the driver1 in a low tone1 where to drive him4 ,the family physician1 if able to attend the funeral1 should have a seat in the carriage following that of the immediate family4 ,the carriage must be sent for the priest or clergyman in time for him to be punctually at the house at the appointed hour4 ,if gifts of flowers are sent to the mourners1 they must be white only1 and sent on the day of the funeral early enough to be used in the decoration of the coffin4 ,if pall-bearers are invited1 they must be immediate friends of the deceased4 ,it is a foreign custom of much beauty and significance to select young children for pall-bearers for infants and children1 dressing them in white1 and draping the coffin in white1 trimmed with silver fringe and cords4 ,if gloves and crape bands are distributed to the gentlemen guests1 they must be handed them when they first enter the house4 ,it is a gross violation of etiquette to make any selection in such cases2 nobody expects to have gloves so given as to fit the hands2 but they must be worn4 ,it is far more elegant to present yourself already provided with black kid gloves on your hands1 and allow the undertaker to provide you only with the crape4 ,friends in deep mourning are not expected to pay visits of condolence1 and are excused from accepting funeral invitations2 but all others are expected to accept them4 ,it is but a poor compliment to your friends to attend their dinners1 receptions1 balls1 and parties1 and refuse to be present when they are in affliction1 or to pay the last act of respect to the memory of those they love4 ,during the week following a funeral1 friends should leave their cards for the family of the deceased1 and call again about a fortnight later1 asking then to see the members of the family4 ,it is not customary to ask to see the family of a deceased friend before the funeral2 but cards should be sent1 and offers of service sent by note4 ,the lady friend nearest the family1 or a relative not of the immediate family1 is the proper person to purchase the mourning for the ladies of the family1 and the gentleman friend or relative that for the gentlemen4 ,no member of the immediate family of the deceased should leave the house between the death and the funeral upon any errand or pretext4 ,at the funeral of a mounted officer1 his horse1 fully equipped1 and draped in mourning1 should be led by a servant after the hearse4 ,if the deceased belonged to any society1 as ,free ,masons1 ,odd ,fellows1 or such organization1 the society should be invited through a note sent to the ,president1 and they will send word to the master of ceremonies if there is any especial order in which they wish to follow the corpse1 or any form or ceremony peculiar to that order which they would like observed4 ,these invitations1 if given through the newspapers1 should carefully specify the lodge or order to which the deceased belonged4 ,the regalia in such cases is usually displayed on the coffin-lid1 but removed before the coffin leaves the house4 ,white plumes are customary on the hearse of a young person1 and black ones for married and elderly people4 ,it is not customary to send invitations to the funeral of a person who has died of contagious disease1 and the statement of the malady in the newspapers is generally accepted by the friends as an excuse for the omission of invitations4 ,in visiting a cemetery1 it is an act of rudeness to stand near a lot where mourners are assembled1 or in any way to notice those who are decorating the graves of friends4 ,no time can be named when the delicate attentions and observances of etiquette are more grateful than when sorrow is heavy on the heart1 ,,etiquette ,,of ,,the ,,studio4 ,,there are a few rules of etiquette applicable to visitors to artists' studios1 which it will be well to note1 the more so because they are special1 and might not suggest themselves1 as a matter of course1 even to those to whom ,nature presented the whole code of etiquette when she gave them a gentle disposition4 ,it is not etiquette to ask an artist the price of his pictures at sight4 ,if a visitor sees a painting or a piece of statuary which he wishes to possess1 he asks simply that he may have the refusal of it2 or he says to the artist3 ,i wish to have this picture1 if it is not disposed of4 ,after leaving the studio1 the visitor writes and asks the price1 of which he is informed by the artist1 in writing4 ,should the price be larger than the would-be purchaser is disposed to give1 he writes again to that effect1 and it is no breach of etiquette to name the sum which he wished to spend upon the work of art4 ,this gives an opportunity to the artist of lowering his price4 ,it is not customary1 however1 to haggle about the sum1 and the correspondence should not be carried farther than above1 except it be an intimation from the artist that he will accept the terms of the purchaser1 and that the picture is subject to his order1 and will be sent to him on further instructions4 ,some portrait painters have a practice which1 for obvious reasons1 cannot be adopted by painters of general subjects4 ,they have a card hung up in a conspicuous part of the studio1 showing the price at which they will execute portraits of the sizes given4 ,at the bottom of this card there is generally an intimation that half the price must be paid after the first sitting1 the remainder when the portrait is completed4 ,this practice saves time and trouble1 and it would be well if other artists could adopt some system whereby the price of such paintings as they may have for sale might be made known to visitors4 ,but the price of a fancy picture is to be ascertained by the artist only by what it will bring1 and it is quite likely that the wealth of the buyer1 or his known admiration for good paintings1 may reasonably make a difference in the sum asked by the artist1 who might ask a lower price of a man whom he knew could not afford so much4 ,there is nothing wrong in this1 for an artist has as much right to get as much more than the minimum price of his picture as anybody else has to get the best price for his labor or his merchandise4 ,portrait painting is1 however1 pretty much a repetition of the same sort of work1 and the artist would be the last man in the world to admit that there could be such difference in the execution of the work as to warrant a scale of prices in conformity therewith4 ,it is not etiquette to visit the studio of an artist excepting by special invitation1 and then only at the hours he may appoint4 ,to go at any other time is ill-bred2 for although he may be there1 he will probably be unwilling to be disturbed at his work4 ,it is ill-bred to take a young child to visit the studio of an artist1 as there are generally articles there of value and easily broken or soiled2 and even if the child is well trained1 the owner of such articles would be in terror lest they should be ruined4 ,it is excessively ill-bred to criticize harshly1 in the presence of an artist1 the works displayed in his studio4 ,extravagant praise is also in bad taste4 ,a few cordial words of praise and pleasure should1 of course1 be spoken1 and a friend may sometimes point out where improvements could be made2 but it is a thankless task generally1 and it is in much better taste to leave all criticism to the public journals1 when the paintings are on public exhibition4 ,it is against the rules of etiquette to keep an artist waiting1 if you are sitting for a portrait4 ,his time is of value to him1 whatever yours may be to you2 and it is equally rude to detain him after the sitting is over4 ,his politeness may hinder him from even hinting to you that you are trespassing upon his hours for work1 though he may be fretting silently at your rudeness in so doing4 ,it is contrary to the rules of etiquette to look around a studio in which you may be sitting for a portrait1 unless you are invited by an artist to do so4 ,it is against the rules of etiquette to ask to see an unfinished picture1 even if it is one that is being painted by your own order4 ,to uncover any picture or article in a studio that may be veiled or hidden from view is extremely rude4 ,it is equally so to turn a picture that is hung to face the wall1 or standing facing it4 ,gentlemen must never smoke in a studio1 unless especially invited by the artist to do so4 ,to whisper in a studio is excessively ill-bred2 for although you may make a remark entirely independent of what is around you1 you may rest assured you will have the credit of having ridiculed or censured some of the pictures you have been invited to examine4 ,to behave in a studio as if you were in a store1 pricing pictures1 inquiring about what is for public exhibition1 what is not2 who ordered this picture or that2 whose portrait this or that may be2 or in any way reminding the artist that his genius is merchandise1 is rude and indelicate4 ,it is against the rules of etiquette to handle the pictures or other articles in a studio4 ,it is extremely rude1 if an artist continues his employment during a visit to his studio1 for the visitor to stand behind him1 or very near him1 or in any way to seem to watch his work4 ,,table ,,etiquette4 ,,it is impossible for a lady or gentleman to act with perfect ease and graceful manner at table when in company1 at a hotel or any public place1 unless they habitually pay attention to those minor points of etiquette1 which form so distinctive a mark of perfectly good breeding4 ,habitual neglect of the courtesies and etiquette of the table will make them appear awkward restraints upon occasions when they are important4 ,if the father or mother of a family accustom the children1 by example as well as precept1 to be attentive and polite to each other at every meal1 they need never fear that they will shame them by rudeness or awkwardness when they go abroad4 ,even when a person habitually eats alone1 it is better to do so gracefully and with attention to the rules of etiquette1 that habits of awkwardness may not be formed1 which it will be difficult to shake off when in company4 ,to make noises when eating1 sucking soup with a gurgling sound1 chewing meat noisily1 swallowing as if with an effort1 smacking the lips1 or breathing heavily while masticating food1 are all marks of low breeding4 ,it is a bad habit to put large pieces of food into the mouth4 ,if you are addressed suddenly with your mouth so filled1 you are obliged to make an awkward pause before answering1 or to run the risk of choking by swallowing the great mouthful too hastily4 ,never open the napkin entirely1 but let it lie on the lap1 partly folded4 ,sit neither very near nor very far from the table4 ,it is rude to move your arms at table so as to incommode those on either side of you4 ,ladies should1 after seating themselves1 endeavor to draw their skirts into a space that will not crowd those seated beside them4 ,to lean back in the chair is rude1 and surely no gentleman would ever be guilty of tipping his chair at table4 ,sit erect1 not stiffly1 but in an easy position4 ,bread must always be broken1 never cut1 and certainly never bitten4 ,if a plate is sent to you filled with the food you have selected1 keep it1 as others may not have the same choice2 if the plate contain one dish1 such as pie or pudding1 you may pass it on to those beside you1 and wait till others above you are served before reserving a plate for yourself4 ,to eat very fast is inelegant2 to eat very slowly bears an air of affectation4 ,try to preserve the happy medium4 ,it is a good plan to accustom yourself to eat with the left hand1 and thus avoid shifting your knife and fork from one hand to the other4 ,a gentleman will always see that ladies are served before eating himself1 ,avoid making any noise on your plate with your knife and fork4 ,it is against all rules of etiquette to soak up gravy with bread1 to scrape up sauce with a spoon1 or to take up bones with the fingers4 ,never cross the knife and fork on a plate until you have finished eating4 ,never hold your knife and fork erect in your hands at each side of your plate1 when conversing at the table4 ,never ask for a second helping4 ,it is the duty of those at the head and foot of the table to offer it4 ,to blow soup to cool it1 or to pour tea or coffee into a saucer for the same purpose1 are acts of awkwardness never seen in polite society4 ,wait until they are cool enough to be pleasant4 ,use the salt-spoon1 butter-knife1 and sugar-tongs even when you are alone4 ,if you want to cough1 sneeze1 or blow your nose1 leave the table4 ,if you have not time1 turn away your head1 and lean back in your chair4 ,to pass a plate with a knife or fork upon it1 or a cup with a spoon in it1 are acts of rudeness4 ,put your spoon in the saucer1 and your knife and fork on the table1 until you are served4 ,never hurry away from the table as soon as you finish eating1 if others remain to converse4 ,if you are obliged to leave before a meal is finished or immediately after1 ask to be excused for so doing1 and apologize for the necessity4 ,never mention at the table any subject that is likely to disgust others4 ,it is a piece of rudeness only too common1 and is to be severely censured4 ,many who are utterly without affectation are really sensitive on such points1 and their meal and comfort are both spoiled if disgusting associations are suggested at table4 ,at home1 if you use a napkin-ring1 fold your napkin and replace it in the ring when you have done with it4 ,if you are dining out1 never fold your napkin1 but place it beside your plate4 ,none but a clown would use the table-cloth for a napkin1 pick his teeth with his fork1 put his fingers in his plate1 or wipe his face with his napkin4 ,if you are unfortunate enough to find anything disgusting in your food--a hair in the soup1 a coal in the bread1 a worm in the fruit1 or a fly in your coffee--do not loudly exclaim1 or disturb the appetite of others by mention of your mishap4 ,remove the disgusting object quietly1 or change your cup or plate without remark4 ,the ,french poet1 ,delille1 tells of an interview between himself and ,marmoutel1 which rather humorously points out how table etiquette may change4 ,delille and ,marmoutel were dining together1 in the month of ,april1 #aghf2 and the conversation happened to turn upon dinner table customs4 ,marmoutel observed how many little things a well-bred man was obliged to know1 if he would avoid being ridiculous at the table of his friends4 ,they are1 indeed1 innumerable1 said ,delille1 and the most annoying fact of all is1 that not all the wit and good sense in the world can help one to divine them untaught4 ,a little while ago1 for instance1 the ,abbe ,cosson1 who is ,professor of ,literature at ,college ,mazarin1 was describing to me a grand dinner to which he had been invited at ,versailles1 and to which he had sat down in the company of peers1 princes1 and marshals of ,france4 ',i'll wager now1' said ,i1'that you committed a hundred blunders in the etiquette of the table4' ',how so8' replied the ,abbe1 somewhat nettled4 ',what blunders could ,i make8 ,it seems to me that ,i did precisely as others did4' ',and ,i1 on the contrary1 would stake my life that you did nothing as others did4 ,but let us begin at the beginning1 and see which is right4 ,in the first place1 there was your table napkin--what did you do with that when you sat down to table8' ',what did ,i do with my table napkin8 ,why1 ,i did like the rest of the guests3 ,i shook it out of the folds1 spread it before me1 and fastened one corner to my button-hole4' ',very well1 mon cher1 you were the only person who did so4 ,no one shakes1 spreads1 and fastens a table napkin in that manner4 ,you should have only laid it across your knees4 ,what soup had you8' ',turtle4' ',and how did you eat it 8' ',like every one else1 ,i suppose4 ,i took my spoon in one hand and my fork in the other4' ',your fork8 ,good heavens6 ,none but a savage eats soup with a fork4 ,but go on4 ,what did you take next8' ',a boiled egg4' ',good4 ,and what did you do with the shell8' ',not eat it1 certainly4 ,i left it1 of course1 in the egg-cup4' ',without breaking it through with your spoon8' ',without breaking it4' ',then1 my dear fellow1 permit me to tell you that no one eats an egg without breaking the shell1 and leaving the spoon standing in it4 ,and after your egg8' ',i asked for some boulli4' ',for boulli6' ,it is a term that no one uses4 ,you should have asked for beef2 never for bouilli4 ,well1 and after the bouilli8' ',i asked the ,abbe de ,badenvillais for some fowl4' ',wretched man6 ,fowl indeed6 ,you should have asked for chicken or capon4 ,the word fowl is never heard out of the kitchen4 ,but all this applies only to what you ate2 tell me something of what you drank1 and how you asked for it4' ',i asked for ,champagne and ,bordeaux from those who had the bottles before them4' ',know1 then1 my good friend1 that only a waiter1 who has no time or breath to spare1 asks for ,champagne or ,bordeaux4 ,a gentleman asks for ,vin de ,champagne and ,vin de ,bordeaux4 ,but now inform me how you ate your bread4' ',undoubtedly like all the rest of the world3 ,i cut it up into small square pieces with my knife4' ',then let me tell you that no one cuts bread2 you should always break it4 ,let us go on to the coffee4 ,how did you drink yours8' ',pshaw6 ,at least1 ,i could make no mistake in that4 ,it was boiling hot2 so ,i poured it1 a little at a time1 in the saucer1 and drank it as it cooled4' ',eh bien6 ,then you assuredly acted as no other gentleman in the room4 ,nothing can be more vulgar than to pour tea or coffee into a saucer4 ,you should have waited till it cooled1 and then have drunk it from the cup4 ,and now you see1 my dear cousin1 that so far from doing precisely as the others did1 you acted in no one respect according to the laws prescribed by etiquette4' ,,etiquette ,,with ,,children4 ,,it is against the rules of strict etiquette to take a child when making formal calls1 as they are a restraint upon conversation1 even if they are not troublesome about touching forbidden articles1 or teasing to go home4 ,never take a child to a funeral1 either to the house of mourning or to the cemetery4 ,never allow a child to take a meal at a friend's house without special invitation4 ,it is impossible to know how much she may be inconvenienced1 while her regard for the mother would deter her from sending the little visitor home again4 ,never allow a child to handle goods in a store4 ,never send for children to meet visitors in the drawing-room1 unless the visitors themselves request to see them4 ,make their stay then very brief1 and be careful that they are not troublesome4 ,never take a child to church until it is old enough to remain perfectly quiet4 ,although you may be accustomed to its restless movements1 and not disturbed by them1 others near you will certainly feel annoyed by them4 ,it is not etiquette to put a child to sleep in the room of a guest1 nor to allow children to go at all to a guest's room1 unless especially invited to do so1 and even then to make long stay there4 ,etiquette excludes children from all companies given to grown persons1 from all parties and balls1 excepting such as are given especially given for their pleasure4 ,when invited to walk or drive1 never take a child1 unless it has been invited1 or you have requested permission to do so2 even in the latter case1 the consent is probably given more from good nature than from any desire to have a juvenile third to the party4 ,never crowd children into pic-nic parties1 if they have not been invited4 ,they generally grow weary and very troublesome before the day is over4 ,never take a child to spend the day with a friend unless it has been included in the invitation4 ,never allow children to be in the drawing room if strangers are present4 ,never allow children to handle the ornaments in the drawing room of a friend4 ,never allow a child to pull a visitor's dress1 play with the jewelry or ornaments she may wear1 take her parasol or satchel for a plaything1 or in any way annoy her4 ,train children early to answer politely when addressed1 to avoid restless1 noisy motions when in company1 and gradually inculcate a love of the gentle courtesies of life4 ,by making the rules of etiquette habitual to them1 you remove all awkwardness and restraint from their manners when they are old enough to go into society4 ,never send a child to sit upon a sofa with grown people1 unless they express a desire to have it do so4 ,never crowd a child into a carriage seat between two grown people4 ,never allow a child to play with a visitor's hat or cane4 ,if children are talented1 be careful you do not weary your friends1 and destroy their own modesty by showing them off1 upon improper occasions4 ,what may seem wonderful to an interested mother1 may be an unutterable weariness to a guest1 too polite to allow the mother to perceive the incipient yawn4 ,never allow children to visit upon the invitation of other children4 ,when they are invited by the older members of the family1 it is time to put on their best bibs and tuckers4 ,never take children to a house of mourning1 even if you are an intimate friend4 ,the custom for having children in the drawing-room for morning or evening parties1 or in the dining-room with the dessert at dinner companies1 is not only often an annoyance to the guests1 but bad for the children themselves4 ,it is one of the first duties of parents to train their children at home as they would have them appear abroad4 ,an ,english lady writes thus3 ,if1 then1 we desire that our children shall become ladies and gentlemen1 can we make them so1 think you1 by lavishing money upon foreign professors1 dancing-masters1 foreign travel1 tailors1 and dressmakers8 ,ah1 no6 good breeding is far less costly1 and begins far earlier than those things4 ,let our little ones be nurtured in an atmosphere of gentleness and kindness from the nursery upwards2 let them grow up in a home where a rude gesture or an ill-tempered word are alike unknown2 where between father and mother1 master and servant1 mistress and maid1 friend and friend1 parent and child1 brother and sister1 prevails the law of truth1 of kindness1 of consideration for others1 and forgetfulness of self4 ,can they carry into the world1 whither we send them later1 aught of coarseness1 of untruthfulness1 of slatternliness1 of vulgarity1 if their home has been orderly1 if their parents have been refined1 their servants well mannered1 their friends and playmates kindly and carefully trained as themselves8 ,do we want our boys to succeed in the world2 our girls to be admired and loved2 their tastes to be elegant2 their language choice2 their manners simple1 charming1 refined1 and graceful2 their friendship elevating8 then we must ourselves be what we would have our children to be1 remembering the golden maxim1 that good manners1 like charity1 must begin at home4 ,good manners are an immense social force4 ,we should1 therefore1 spare no pains to teach our children what to do1 and what to avoid doing1 in their pathway through life4 ,on utilitarian as well as social principles1 we should try to instruct our children in good manners2 for whether we wish them to succeed in the world1 or to adorn society1 the point is equally important4 ,we must never lose sight of the fact1 that here teachers and professors can do little1 and that the only way in which it in possible to acquire the habits of good society is to live in no other4 ,,games ,,with ,,cards4 ,,married ladies and elderly gentlemen are allowed to claim precedence at the card-table1 over single young ladies and the younger men4 ,ladies of a certain age1 if single1 can claim the privileges of the card-table with married ladies4 ,etiquette does not require any one to play unwillingly4 ,it is very rude to urge the request1 as many have conscientious scruples on this matter1 though they may not care to wound the feelings of those playing by proclaiming them4 ,it is not kind1 however1 and therefore it is not etiquette1 to refuse to play1 if there are no such scruples1 when the refusal prevents a game being made up4 ,none should attempt to play--whist1 for instance--unless really able to do so moderately well4 ,it is not fair to impose a poor partner upon one who may be really fond of the game and play well4 ,it is not etiquette for those very fond of card-playing to victimize every guest by producing cards whenever they call1 whether they care for playing or not4 ,many will play from good- nature who would prefer to pass the time in conversation4 ,husband and wife1 or any partners who may be supposed to be intimately acquainted with each other's play1 should not play together4 ,it is taking an unfair advantage of the other couple for them to play partners4 ,if playing for stakes1 the gentleman pays for his lady partner in the event of loss2 but does not receive her winnings4 ,all violations of the known rules of the game are violations of the laws of etiquette as well4 ,yet1 if such violations are made1 they should be pointed out in a quiet and courteous manner1 not made the subject of violent dispute or censure4 ,any altercations are violations of the laws of etiquette4 ,loss of temper1 no matter how continuous the ill-luck1 is a breach of manners2 so are objurgations of one's partner's performances1 and criticisms on the play of partner or adversary4 ,in whist1 as in marriage1 the partner is taken for better for worse1 and in neither case should an ill-assorted couple try to make matters worse than they are by grumbling and growling at each other4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to talk constantly upon other subjects whilst engaged in a game of cards4 ,whist1 as all good players know1 is a game that requires close attention1 and almost absolute silence2 and the other games can be much disturbed by talking4 ,to converse with those who are not playing is still worse4 ,it is a violation of all courtesy to allow the attention to be diverted at all4 ,if addressed while at the game1 make your answer as brief as politeness will permit1 and give your whole attention to the game again4 ,no one can play so well with divided attention2 and you may be certain it is an annoyance to your partner1 even if your opponent does not object to it4 ,any appearance of an understanding between partners1 as smiles1 nods1 or winks1 are gross violations1 not only of the laws of the game1 but of good manners4 ,to finger the cards whilst they are being dealt is a breach of good manners4 ,even if you do not violate the laws of the game by actually looking at them1 you are committing an error in etiquette by seeming to be in any way aware of their existence before you are at liberty to take them in your hand4 ,never start a conversation that would lead to long argument or discussion in the pauses of the game4 ,small talk1 chit-chat1 is certainly admissible whilst the cards are being dealt1 but only upon topics which can be readily dropped when the play is again the leading subject4 ,to play cards with an air of weariness or abstraction is positively rude4 ,if you are not interested in the game1 strive to appear so1 and if you are not equal to that1 you had better stop playing4 ,try to avoid argument upon nice points in playing4 ,even if you are right1 it is more courteous to yield to your adversary than to keep others waiting whilst you prove your position4 ,etiquette by no means requires stakes of money4 ,if counters are not provided for betting games1 you may refuse to bet1 without any breach of good manners4 ,in your own house1 never offer guests any but new cards to play with4 ,it is a violation of etiquette to propose card-playing in another person's house4 ,this is the privilege of the host or hostess1 and if they do not suggest the amusement1 it is absolutely rude for any one else to do so4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to hurry others who are playing4 ,nothing annoys a deliberate player more than to have a partner or adversary constantly saying1 ,come1 play2 it is your turn now1 or1 ,we are all waiting for you4 ,even if you take no pleasure in cards1 some knowledge of the etiquette and rules belonging to the games most in vogue will be useful to you1 unless you object upon principle to playing4 ,if so1 it is better at once to state the fact4 ,if not1 and a fourth hand is wanted at a rubber1 or if the rest of the company sit down to a round game1 you will be deemed guilty of a want of politeness if you refuse to join4 ,the games most common are whist1 loo1 euchre1 vingt-un1 and speculation4 ,whist requires four players4 ,a pack of cards being spread upon the table1 with their faces downward1 the four players draw for partners4 ,those who draw the two highest1 and those who draw the two lowest1 become partners4 ,the lowest of all claims the deal4 ,in declaring that married people may not play at the same table1 society by no means understands anything so disgraceful as dishonest collusion2 but persons who play regularly together cannot fail to know so much of each other's mode of acting under given circumstances that the chances no longer remain perfectly even in favor of their adversaries4 ,,visiting ,,cards4 ,,the fashion of cards is a variable one4 ,it may be the fashion to- day to have them large1 square1 and printed upon rough surfaces2 to-morrow they may be small1 long1 and highly glazed2 now they are engraved2 now written4 ,in fact1 there are too many freaks and changes to mention all2 but etiquette requires always perfect simplicity4 ,an ornamental visiting card is simply detestable4 ,glazed cards are not now in vogue1 but they may be again1 and ladies' cards are cut much smaller than those used by gentlemen4 ,persons who have a city and country residence must have two sets of cards1 with the residence at the time of calling engraved on the left-hand corner1 thus3 ,,mrs4 ,,john ,,potts1 ,no4 #bg --- ,,street1 while ,mrs4 ,potts is in the city1 and ,,mrs4 ,,john ,,potts1 ,,cedars1 when ,mrs4 ,potts is out of town4 ,visiting cards must never bear a business address4 ,all merely honorary or official designations must be omitted1 except in cards designed for official visits only4 ,officers of the army or navy may use their title or not1 as preferred1 as3 ,,capt4 ,,james ,,burns1 ,u4,s4,a41 ,or1 ,,james ,,burns1 ,u4,s4,a41 are either of them correct1 the former having the advantage of putting the receiver in possession at once of his visitor's rank1 the latter allowing scope for promotion or change of title4 ,for militia officers to use their titles upon visiting cards is a piece of affectation utterly absurd4 ,members of ,congress are always entitled to use the ,hon4 before the name on their visiting cards1 even after their term of office has expired4 ,judges and physicians are also allowed to use their titles2 but no other professional men4 ,cards should be engraved in simple ,italian characters1 and without flourish1 embossed surface1 or even ostentatiously large letters4 ,every visiting card should have the address in small letters in the left-hand corner4 ,if used when in a strange city1 the usual address may be scored in lead-pencil1 and the temporary one written under the name1 thus3 ,,mr4 ,,and ,,mrs4 ,,william ,,leigh1 ,no4 #bjg --- ,,street4 ,,st4 ,,james ,,hotel4 ,it is optional with unmarried ladies to use the prefix to their names4 ,gentlemen without military1 naval1 official1 or professional titles generally omit any prefix but may use the abbreviation ,mr4 if they desire4 ,autograph visiting cards are conceited affectations4 ,the autograph of distinguished characters may be desirable2 but it is precisely that class of people who would be least likely to use them4 ,a neatly engraved card is en regle2 printed ones look cheap1 and are not suitable for visiting4 ,persons in mourning should use cards with black borders4 ,young unmarried ladies may use separate cards1 or may have their names added to their mother's1 thus3 ,,mrs4 ,,joseph ,,banks4 ,,miss ,,lucy ,,banks4 ,leave-taking cards have ,p4 ,p4 ,c4 7pour prendre conge7 written in the right-hand corner4 ,wedding cards are in the best taste when perfectly simple4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to leave a card after being informed that the person visited is at home4 ,when you have been informed of an important event in the family of a friend-a birth1 a marriage1 or a death-if you are unable to offer personal congratulation or condolence1 you may leave a card within a week4 ,if you reside in another city1 you may send your card by post1 with the word felicitation under the name4 ,a mournful event calls for a letter4 ,a card left for two or more members of the same family must have a corner turned down4 ,a card with a photograph portrait upon it1 though to a certain extent fashionable1 is a vulgarism that can never obtain general favor4 ,if you are a gentleman1 your visage may be reserved by the chambermaid1 to exhibit as one of her beaux1 and no lady1 surely1 would ever display her face on a visiting card4 ,gentlemen presenting flowers or other gifts to ladies should always attach a card1 and over the name write1 ,with compliments of4 ,christmas gifts1 when sent1 should be accompanied by the card of the giver4 ,loans of books or music1 when returned1 should always be accompanied by the card of the borrower4 ,,letter ,,writing4 ,,no one should write letters at all who cannot write in a clear1 fair hand1 that those who run may read4 ,in a busy age like the present1 when every one's time has a certain value1 we have no right to impose the reading of hieroglyphics upon our correspondents4 ,i's should be dotted1 t's crossed1 and capitals used in their proper places1 and only the most obvious abbreviations indulged in4 ,punctuation is equally de regueur2 the most unimportant letters should be carefully punctuated2 and the habit is so easily acquired1 and so simple1 that after a while it entails no more time or thought than dotting the i's4 ,the handwriting of a lady or gentleman should not be commercial or scholastic1 but firm and characteristic4 ,all affectations in writing should be avoided1 such as sloping one's hand to the left1 the use of flourishes1 undue size in the characters1 or a diminutiveness of the same to try eyesight and patience4 ,the signature should be simple and unostentatious4 ,nothing can be more absurd than to see a person whose name can have no significance to the world in general1 sign himself as elaborately as if he were the ,pope or ,president at least1 ,underlining should only be resorted to when the underlined word is of really great importance4 ,many ladies carry this practice to excess1 and so rob it of all significance1 as a speaker who emphasized every other word would not be heeded when he needed to be emphatic4 ,what can be more absurd than such a sentence as the following3 ,we are all very sorry to hear that you cannot come to visit us this summer1 as we expected1 and wish your business was not so engrossing4 ,for the ordinary correspondence of a lady or gentleman it is advisable to use white note-paper of good quality1 and the size distinguished as commercial note4 ,if monograms or initials are used1 they should be as simple as possible1 and in white or black only4 ,gilt or colored monograms are in bad taste4 ,red sealing-wax is admissible only for business letters1 and wafers are entirely out of style4 ,in mourning1 the paper and envelopes may have a black border suitable to the relationship of the dead1 and the length of time the mourning has been worn4 ,in the deepest mourning1 exaggerations of black border are unbecoming and in bad taste4 ,real grief is always unostentatious4 ,no letter should contain erasures under any circumstances4 ,the stamp should be placed exactly in the right-hand corner of the envelope2 it must neither be up-side-down1 nor slanting1 nor in any way carelessly affixed4 ,negligence in these matters evinces a rudeness to the person to whom you write1 as hinting that you think anything will do4 ,blots and smears are almost too gross pieces of carelessness to be commented upon4 ,after ten years of age1 they are entirely inexcusable4 ,never omit your own name and address from a letter1 whether of business or friendship4 ,in writing to persons with whom you are but slightly acquainted1 use as few words as possible4 ,you are not authorized in taking up much of their time4 ,it is only in correspondence with very intimate friends that long letters are permissible4 ,if occasion necessitates a letter to a very busy person1 politeness requires that it should be framed as curtly as is consistent with civility and perspicuity4 ,it is unpardonable to waste really valuable time1 because we do not choose to be at the trouble of concentrating our thoughts and sparing our words4 ,in writing to our friends or acquaintances1 we should never communicate bad news abruptly2 but should lead the way to it in such a manner as to soften the blow4 ,a great deal of pain may be avoided by a proper choice of words4 ,we should scrupulously avoid writing too frequently1 or at too great a length1 of our own losses and misfortunes4 ,to do this is merely thoughtless egotism4 ,we may have a right to expect sympathy from our friends1 but we have no right to make our letters inflictions4 ,letters should invariably be written cheerfully if possible1 and1 at least1 in a tone of resignation4 ,an ill-tempered letter is as great a mistake as a lachrymose one4 ,nothing is so inexpedient as to write a letter in a fit of indignation and anger4 ,if you must give way to your feelings1 write your letter1 but let it remain unposted until the next day2 read it over then1 and you will probably put it in the fire4 ,it is better1 if possible1 to seek an interview with the person who has wronged or affronted you4 ,spoken recrimination or reproof is forgotten2 but when you have once written down and issued your angry thoughts1 they are irrevocable1 and a sure source of after regret4 ,in dealing with those who may have treated you unfairly1 be civil in your letters4 ,be as haughty as you please1 and state your grievance in plain1 unvarnished terms1 and there end4 ,if the truth does not sting1 nothing you can add to it will do so2 and vituperation1 though it does not injure the person upon whom you bestow it1 injures your own cause1 and detracts seriously from the proper dignity of your own position4 ,in writing1 as in conversation1 egotism is a capital offence4 ,we have no more right to be egotistic on paper than we have a right to be dull or disagreeable4 ,a letter should be like a visit1 bright1 inspiriting1 and a reflex of our best mood4 ,above all1 it should be kind and sympathetic4 ,there are letters whose arrival we hail as we should that of a new book by a delightful writer1 or the visit of a brilliant acquaintance4 ,again1 there are others1 the delivery of which1 anticipating all the dullness and verbosity with which they are certain to be filled1 we dread like the incursions of a well-known bore4 ,who would not wish to be the writer of the one8 ,who would not take any amount of pains with his correspondence to avoid being dreaded as the other8 ,always answer any letter that may be addressed to you1 no matter who the writer may be4 ,if the letter be from one who has no business to write to you1 nevertheless acknowledge it1 and by your style and manner check further impertinence4 ,thus3 ,,washington1 ,d4 ,c41 ,jan4 #gth1 #ah-4 ,,sir3 ,i write to acknowledge the receipt of your letter of the #eth inst41 acquainting me with your opinion of my speech in ,congress on the #bgth ultimo4 ,i am1 sir1 ,your obedient servant1 ,,james ,m4 --- ,mr4 ,p4 ,c4 ,,littleton1 ,philadelphia4 ,business letters generally have the name of the firm or person to whom they are addressed written above the ,gentlemen4 or ,sir1 as3 ,messrs4 ,,dick ,,fitzgerald3 ,gentlemen1 ,or1 ,,john ,,brown1 ,,esq43 ,dear sir4 ,the name of the place from which the letter is written1 the date1 the full name of writer and receiver1 should be given in some part of a letter4 ,the practice of heading a note ,monday1 without a date1 and signing it ,charlie1 is very embarrassing2 it makes it difficult to answer a note unless immediately1 when the day of the week can be readily identified with the day of the month1 and when the receiver knows who his correspondent really is4 ,besides this1 in the event of the letter miscarrying1 it cannot be returned if there be no surname attached to the signature4 ,a most important lawsuit in ,london was lost by a letter1 of great value and significance otherwise1 being dropped from the evidence for want of identification1 being directed1 ,dearest ,tootings1 and signed1 ,your loving ,poppets4 ,it may seem absurd that a letter of weight could contain such silliness2 but it was a fact4 ,do not write on scraps of paper1 as if your correspondence were not worth the cost of a proper sheet4 ,neither use old envelopes turned1 as some people are wont to do4 ,always be sure that your letter has sufficient stamps upon it to fully prepay its weight4 ,do not enclose stamps for an answer unless the matter be a business one1 and your own proper affair4 ,should you send manuscript subject to approval to an editor1 enclose stamps sufficient to pay for its return4 ,you have no right to put another to this expense1 especially as you already require from him a sacrifice of time1 in order to look over what you have sent4 ,anonymous communications are both cowardly and ill-bred4 ,under no circumstances should they be written4 ,the fire is the only fit asylum for them when received4 ,the ,gunpowder ,plot might have been revealed openhandedly1 and the anonymous letter even in that case nearly missed its aim4 ,the only anonymous communications which can be tolerated are the harmless missives called valentines4 ,these1 however1 have fallen out of favor in polite society4 ,children and servants are the chief supporters of the manufacturers of the gorgeous love-letters4 ,in writing to a person who is the guest of another1 take care to place the name of the host or hostess on the cover of your letter4 ,some people address the letter in such a case to the host1 and inscribe the name of their correspondent in the left-hand corner1 thus3 ,,james ,,gordon1 ,,esq41 ,no4 #cdg --- ,street1 ,new ,york4 ,for ,mrs4 ,t4 ,c4 ,,bates4 ,this practice is very likely to lead to an unintentional opening of the letter by the wrong person2 for a cursory glance at the cover would seem to show that the letter was intended for the person whose name was most prominent4 ,the letter should have been directed1 to the person for whom it was intended first1 thus3 ,mrs4 ,t4 ,c4 ,,bates1 ,care of ,,james ,,gordon1 ,esq41 ,no4 #cdg --- ,street1 ,new ,york4 ,unless very well acquainted with your correspondent1 do not use terms implying intimacy4 ,business letters usually commence with ,sir1 ,gentlemen1 ,dear ,sir1 or ,dear ,sirs1 and end with1 ,i am1 ,sir 7or ,gentlemen71 ,your obedient servant1 etc4 ,official letters invariably begin with the title of the person addressed1 and then ,sir1 if a civilian or the rank of an officer4 ,if the letter be to the head of a ,department1 to a high ,government official1 or to a superior officer1 it is customary to write in a strain a little more deferential than ordinary1 so that1 instead of saying1 as you would to a friend1 ,i have to acquaint you1 ,i have to acknowledge the receipt of your letter1 you would say1 ,i have the honor to acknowledge4 ,the ending1 too1 of such letters should be slightly different3 ,i have the honor to be1 ,general1 ,your obedient servant1 taking the place of ,i am1 sir1 etc4 ,in official communications1 margins are always left1 so as to allow of notations being made for the purpose of framing an answer1 and the backs of the pages should be left blank for the same purpose4 ,it is not customary to write down quite to the bottom of the page1 but to take ample room for the substance of the letter4 ,unless writing officially1 or to some public person1 it is not customary in this country to give a man all the titles which may belong to him4 ,remember that brevity is the soul of wit4 ,let your letters be concisely written1 not too bluntly1 but in a clear1 straightforward style1 going at once to the subjects you desire to mention1 with as little preamble as possible4 ,use the passive instead of the active voice4 ,to do so prevents the continual thrusting forward of the first person singular into the letter1 and gives a more modest appearance to the text4 ,short notes to strangers on business--as1 for instance1 in reference to the character of a servant1 asking for some information1 etc4--should be written in the third person singular1 thus3 ,mrs4 ,wright presents her compliments to ,mrs4 ,left1 and will feel greatly obliged by any information respecting the character and qualifications of ,jane ,broom1 who has applied for a situation as housemaid in ,mrs4 ,wright's household4 ,no4#bg ,f--- ,street1 ,jan #ith1 #ahfi4 ,the answer should also be written in the third person1 and should contain as much information as possible relative to the points inquired about1 stating whether the servant is honest1 sober1 and truthful1 and what is her experience of her disposition and habits4 ,in writing to a servant1 or to one considerably below your own station1 the following form may be used3 ,jane ,broom is hereby informed that ,mrs4 ,wright is willing to engage her as housemaid from the #aeth of ,january1 #ahfi4 ,no4 #bg ,f ,street1 ,jan4 #ajth1 #ahfi4 ,or this3 ,jane ,broom--your character is satisfactory1 and you can enter my service on ,saturday1 the #aeth of ,january4 ,or this3 ,mrs4 ,wright is satisfied with ,jane ,broom's character1 and informs her that she may enter ,mrs4 ,wright's service as housemaid on ,saturday next4 ,in sending any communication to a newspaper or magazine1 address to ,the ,editor1 and not to any private person connected with the publication4 ,by so doing1 you will better secure attention than if you trouble the editor at his own house by addressing him by his own name4 ,besides this1 some one may be acting for the editor1 and if he sees the packet addressed to the name of the absentee1 he will not feel free to open it1 but will send it to him1 whereby confusion and delay1 possibly loss of the manuscript1 may ensue4 ,there are six parts to every letter3 the date1 the complimentary address1 the body of the letter1 the complimentary closing1 the signature1 the address or superscription2 thus3 7,date7 ,,petersburg1 ,va41 ,june #ahth1 #ahfi4 7,complimentary address7 ,,james ,,munroe1 ,esq43 ,,dear ,sir3 7,body of the letter7 ,your most welcome letter1 announcing your intention of visiting our city1 reached me this morning4 ,i hasten to answer to beg that you will make my house your home during your stay1 and inform me by what train ,i may expect you1 that ,i may meet you at the depot4 ,leaving all else for the first conversation1 7,complimentary closing7 ,i am1 my dear friend1 ,,yours ,,very ,,truly1 7,signature7 ,p4 ,t4 ,,jones4 7,address or ,superscription7 ,,james ,,munroe1 ,,esq41 ,bangor1 ,maine4 ,,the ,,lady',s ,,toilet4 ,,perhaps1 in these days of public and private baths1 it may seem a work of supererogation to insist upon cleanliness as the first requisite in a lady's toilet4 ,yet it may be as well to remind our fair readers that fastidiousness on this head cannot be carried too far4 ,cleanliness is the outward sign of inward purity4 ,cleanliness is health1 and health is beauty4 ,we will begin1 then1 with the business of the dressing-room1 which can be quite well performed in three-quarters of an hour1 or even less2 and should at latest be achieved by eight o'clock in summer1 and nine in winter4 ,to sleep too much is as trying to the constitution as to sleep too little4 ,to sleep too much is to render oneself liable to all kinds of minor ailments1 both of mind and body4 ,it is a habit that cannot be too severely censured1 especially in the young4 ,no mother has any right to allow her young daughters to ruin their temper1 health1 and complexion1 by lying in bed till nine or ten o'clock4 ,early rising conduces more to the preservation of health1 freshness1 and young looks1 than anything in the world1 and even to the proper preservation of our mental faculties4 ,the bath is a most important object of study4 ,it is not to be supposed that we wash in order to become clean2 we wash because we wish to remain clean4 ,the bath should be taken by a person in good health once a day in winter1 and twice a day in summer4 ,for persons of really robust constitutions1 a cold shower-bath may be recommended2 but as a general rule the sponge-bath is safest and most convenient4 ,cold water refreshes and invigorates1 but does not cleanse2 those persons1 therefore1 who daily use a cold bath in the morning should frequently use a warm one at night4 ,for cleansing purposes1 the water should be of from ninety-six to one hundred degrees1 or even one hundred and eight degrees2 but such a bath should be sparingly indulged in1 as it exhausts the physical powers4 ,a tepid bath1 varying from eighty-five to ninety-five degrees1 is perhaps the safest for general use1 the more particulary as it answers the purpose both of refreshing and cleansing4 ,it is not well to remain in the bath for longer than two or three minutes4 ,a large coarse sponge is best for the purpose4 ,it is advisable to wet the top of the head before entering a cold bath4 ,whether soap be used or not1 it is well to apply the flesh-brush gently to the face and vigorously to the whole body4 ,nothing improves the complexion like the daily use of the flesh-brush4 ,when the brushing is concluded1 a huck-a-back or ,turkish towel should be used for the final process of drying4 ,the teeth must be scrupulously cared for4 ,if proper care were taken of the teeth in youth1 there would be less employment for the dentist in after life4 ,the ,americans ruin their teeth by drinking iced drinks with hot dinners2 the ,spanish ladies by eating sugar all day long2 the ,mexicans by smoking cigarettes4 ,very hot and very sweet things should be avoided4 ,the teeth should be carefully brushed1 not only night and morning1 but after every meal4 ,very hard tooth-brushes are not advisable1 and a simple tooth-powder of common chalk is safer and more effectual than any quackeries4 ,the onion1 we need scarcely observe1 must be the forbidden fruit of the ,eve of the nineteenth century4 ,indigestible food is also certain to affect the sweetness of the breath4 ,as soon as the breath becomes unpleasant1 one may be quite sure that the digestive machinery is out of order4 ,the nails must always be fastidiously clean1 and never allowed to grow inordinately long4 ,in the cutting of the nails1 every care must be given to the preservation of the shape1 and to the removal of superfluous skin4 ,a liberal use of the nail-brush1 warm water1 and best ,windsor soap will insure the preservation of a delicate hand4 ,gloves must of course be worn out of doors2 and even in doors as much as possible4 ,the hair requires a good deal of care1 though of the simplest and most inartificial kind4 ,the secret of fine and glossy hair is a clean hair-brush2 and ladies who keep no maid to perform those offices for them should wash their hair-brushes in hot water and soda every day4 ,every other day is the minimum of washing that a hair-brush should have4 ,once secure the perfect cleanliness of your hair-brush1 and the rest will be easy4 ,brush the hair carefully both at night and morning2 let it be occasionally cleansed with yolk of egg beaten up1 or a mixture of glycerine and lime-juice1 and you will find no need to resort to hair-doctors or quacks4 ,pomade and oil are strictly to be avoided2 but after a sea-water bath1 or during a sea journey1 a little warm pomade will be useful in softening the hair4 ,above all things1 never attempt to change the color of the hair by means of fashionable dyes and fluids4 ,color so obtained cannot harmonize naturally with the skin1 eyes1 and eyebrows that ,nature has given4 ,practices of this kind are simply and strictly immodest4 ,they evince a senseless desire for fashion1 and an equally senseless eagerness to attract4 ,auricomus hair-dyes1 like painted lips and cheeks1 and pencilled eyebrows1 and complexions purchased1 are disgraceful to the wearers4 ,with regard to the art of obtaining a good complexion1 let ladies be careful in regard to diet1 take regular exercise in the open air1 wear broad-brimmed hats in the sun1 and veils in the wind2 let them avoid pearl powders and washes of every kind2 let them1 above all things1 go early to bed1 and rise betimes in the morning2 and if by so doing they are not made beautiful forever1 they can never be made so4 ,the face should never be washed when heated from exercise4 ,wipe the perspiration from the skin1 and wait until it is sufficiently cool before you bathe1 even with warm water4 ,rain-water is best for the bath4 ,in case of any eruption upon the skin1 no time should be lost in procuring medical advice4 ,he who doctors himself1 says the proverb1 has a fool for his physician4 ,with regard to dress1 it is impossible to do more than offer a few general observations4 ,the fashion of dress is for to-day2 but the esthetics of dress are for all time4 ,no matter to what absurd lengths fashion may go1 a woman of taste will ever avoid the ridiculous4 ,the milliner and dressmaker may handle the scissors never so despotically1 but in matters of color1 harmony1 and contrast they remain under the control of their employer4 ,dress1 indeed1 may fairly claim to be considered in the light of a fine art4 ,to dress well demands something more than a full purse and a pretty figure4 ,it requires taste1 good sense1 and refinement4 ,a woman of taste and good sense will neither make dress her first nor her last object in life4 ,she will remember that no wife should betray that total indifference for her husband's taste which is implied in the neglect of her appearance2 and she will also remember that to dress consistently and tastefully is one of the duties which she owes to society4 ,there is a ,spanish proverb which says1 ,every hair has its shadow4 ,so4 in like manner1 every lady1 however insignificant her social position may appear to herself1 must exercise a certain influence on the feelings and opinions of others4 ,if1 therefore1 the art of dressing appears either too irksome or too frivolous to such of the fair sex as are engaged in serious occupations1 let them remember that it performs the same part in beautifying domestic life as is performed by music and the fine arts in embellishing the life moral and spiritual4 ,so long1 therefore1 as dress merely occupies so much time and requires so much money as we are fairly entitled to allow it1 nothing can be said against it4 ,when extravagant fashions are indulged in--extravagant habits fostered at any cost--and under any circumstances--the critic is quite justified in his strictures1 however severe4 ,dress1 to be in perfect taste1 need not be costly2 and no woman of right feeling will adorn her person at the expense of her husband's comfort or her children's education4 ,as a work of art1 a well-dressed woman is a study4 ,her toilet will be as bien soignee and as well chosen at the family breakfast-table as at a ball4 ,if she loves bright colors and can wear them with impunity1 they will be as harmoniously arranged as the artist arranges his colors on the palette4 ,if she is young1 her dress will be youthful2 if she is old1 it will not affect simplicity4 ,she will always follow rather than lead the prevailing fashion1 and rather follow her own fashion than violate good taste or common sense4 ,the golden rule in dress is to avoid extremes4 ,do not be so original in your dress as to be peculiar2 and do not affect fashions that are radically unbecoming to you4 ,ladies that are neither very young nor very striking in appearance cannot do better than wear quiet colors4 ,ladies who are not rich can always appear well dressed1 with a little care in the choice and arrangement of the materials4 ,whatever the texture of the dress1 it should be made by the very best dressmaker you call afford4 ,as well go to a third or fourth-rate dentist1 music-master1 or doctor1 as go to a third or fourth-rate dressmaker4 ,the dressmaker is a woman's good or evil genius4 ,morning dress should be faultless in its way4 ,for young ladies1 married or unmarried1 nothing is prettier in summer than white or very light morning dresses of washing materials4 ,light dresses must be exquisitely fresh and clean1 ribbons fresh1 collars and cuffs irreproachable4 ,all stuffs are to be rigidly eschewed except those of the very finest kind4 ,morning dress for elderly ladies of wealth and position should be of dark silk4 ,jewelry1 hair ornaments1 and light silk dresses are not permissible for morning wear4 ,walking dress should always be quiet4 ,rich walking dress attracts attention1 which in the street is not desirable4 ,for the carriage1 a lady may dress as elegantly as she pleases4 ,elderly ladies should always dress richly4 ,any thin old lady may wear delicate colors1 whilst a stout1 florid person looks best in dark or gray4 ,for young as well as old1 the question of color must1 however1 be determined by complexion and figure4 ,rich colors harmonize with rich brunette complexions and dark hair2 delicate colors are the most suitable for delicate and fragile styles of beauty4 ,for ball dresses1 light and diaphanous materials are worn2 silk dresses are not suitable for dancing4 ,black and scarlet1 black and violet1 or white1 are worn in mourning2 but ladies in deep mourning should not go to balls at all4 ,they must not dance1 and their dark dresses look out of place in a gay assembly4 ,at dinner parties1 unless of a small1 friendly kind1 only the fullest dress is appropriate4 ,demi-toilette can be worn at unceremonious dinners1 and even high dresses1 if the material be sufficiently rich4 ,it is better to wear real flowers at large dinner parties1 but artificial ones at balls2 since the former would drop and fall to pieces with the heat and the dancing4 ,much jewelry is out of place for young ladies at any time2 and1 indeed1 there is as much propriety to be observed in the wearing of jewelry as in the wearing of dresses4 ,diamonds1 pearls1 rubies1 and all transparent precious stones belong to evening dress1 and should never be worn before dinner4 ,in the morning1 one's rings should be of the simplest kind1 and one's jewelry limited to a good brooch1 gold chain1 and watch4 ,diamonds and pearls are as much out of place during the morning as a low dress or a wreath4 ,it is well to remember in the choice of jewelry that mere costliness is not always the test of value2 and that an exquisite work of art1 such as a fine intaglio or cameo1 or a natural rarity1 such as a black pearl1 is a possession more distingue than a large brilliant which any one who has money enough can buy as well as yourself4 ,of all precious stones1 the opal is the most lovely and commonplace4 ,no merely vulgar woman purchases an opal4 ,gloves1 shoes1 and boots must always be faultless4 ,gloves cannot be too light for the carriage1 or too dark for the streets4 ,a woman with ill-fitting gloves cannot be said to be well dressed2 while to wear soiled ones at your friend's soiree is to show her that you think lightly of herself and her company4 ,it may be remarked1 by the way1 that perfumes should be used only in the evening1 and with the strictest moderation4 ,perfumes1 to be tolerable1 must be of the most recherche kind4 ,some people1 of a sensitive temperament1 would be made ill by the smell of musk or patchouli4 ,finally1 let every lady remember ,dr4 ,johnson's criticism on a lady's dress3 ,i am sure she was well dressed1 said the ,doctor2 for ,i cannot remember what she had on4 ,,the ,,gentleman',s ,,toilet4 ,,it has been aptly said that the bath deserves an ,order4 ,the first requisite of a gentleman's toilet is undoubtedly the bath1 which should be as bracing as the constitution will allow1 and used morning and evening in summer1 and every day in winter4 ,country gentlemen1 who live much in the open air1 and take plenty of exercise1 have no excuse for shirking the cold shower-bath2 but denizens of cities1 and men who are obliged to lead very sedentary lives1 cannot indulge with equal safety in this luxury1 and must never continue it in the teeth of reason and experience4 ,only physiques of finest quality can endure1 much more benefit by1 a cold-water shock all the year round2 and though physique is always improvable1 great reformation must not be attempted rashly4 ,let the bath of from sixty to seventy degrees be freely indulged in by the strong1 and even by the less robust1 in summer time2 but in winter a temperature varying from eighty-five to ninety-five degrees is the safest4 ,the flesh-brush should be vigorously applied to all parts of the body1 after which the skin must be carefully dried with ,turkish or huck-a-back towels4 ,it is well to remain without clothing for some little time after bathing4 ,nothing is so healthy as exposure of the body to air and sun2 a ,french physician has recommended the sun-bath as a desirable hygienic practice4 ,a bath in fresh water should always be taken after a sea-dip4 ,the next thing to be done is to clean the teeth4 ,this should be done with a good hard tooth-brush at least twice a day4 ,smokers should rinse the mouth immediately after smoking1 and should be careful to keep the teeth scrupulously clean4 ,the nails should also be kept exquisitely clean and short4 ,long nails are are an abomination4 ,our advice to those who shave is1 like ,punch's advice to those about to marry ,don't4 ,but it must by no means be understood that suffering the beard to grow is a process that obviates all trouble4 ,the beard should be carefully and frequently washed1 well trimmed1 and well combed1 and the hair and whiskers kept scrupulously clean by the help of clean1 stiff hair-brushes1 and soap and warm water4 ,the style of the beard should be adapted to the form of the face2 but any affectation in the cut of the beard and whiskers is very objectionable1 and augurs unmitigated vanity in the wearer4 ,long hair is never indulged in except by painters and fiddlers4 ,the moustache should be worn neat1 and not overlarge4 ,beau ,brummell spent two hours in dressing2 but a gentleman can perform all the duties of his toilet to perfection in less than half that time4 ,a great ,french writer has said1 with as much grace as philosophy1 that the artist and man of letters needs only a black coat1 and the absence of all pretension1 to place him on the level of the best society4 ,it must be observed1 however1 that this remark applies only to the intellectual workers1 who1 if they do occasionally commit a minor solecism in dress and manners1 are forgiven on account of their fame and talents4 ,it is not enough that a man should be clever1 or well educated1 or well born1 to take his place in society2 he must be acquainted with all that this chapter1 and1 indeed1 this little volume throughout1 professes to teach4 ,a gentleman should always be so well dressed that his dress shall never be remarked at all4 ,does this sound like an enigma8 ,it is not meant for one4 ,it only implies that perfect simplicity is perfect elegance1 and that the true test of dress in the toilet of a gentleman is its entire harmony1 unobtrusiveness1 and becomingness4 ,displays should be avoided4 ,let a sensible man leave the graces and luxuries of dress to his wife1 daughters1 and sisters1 and not seek distinction in the trinkets on his watch- chain1 or the pattern of his waistcoat4 ,to be too much in the fashion is as vulgar as to be too far behind it4 ,no really well- bred man follows every new cut he sees in his tailor's fashion- book4 ,only very young men are guilty of this folly4 ,a man whose dress is appropriate1 neat1 and clean1 will always look like a gentleman2 but to dress appropriately1 one must have a varied wardrobe4 ,this should not1 on the average1 cost more than a tenth part of his income4 ,no man can afford more than a tenth of his income for dress4 ,the author of ,pelham has aptly said that a gentleman's coat should not fit too well4 ,there is great truth and subtlety in this observation4 ,to be fitted too well is to look like a tailor's dummy4 ,in the morning1 wear a frock coat1 and trousers of light or dark color1 as befits the season4 ,when in the country or at the seaside1 gray or shooting costumes are best4 ,in the evening1 though you spend it alone with your family1 wear a black dress suit2 and if you have sons1 bring them up to do the same4 ,it is the observance of these trifles in domestic etiquette that marks the true gentleman4 ,for evening parties1 dinner parties1 and balls wear a black dress coat1 black trousers1 black silk or cloth waistcoat1 thin patent-leather boots1 a white cravat1 and white kid gloves4 ,abjure all fopperies1 such as white silk linings1 silk collars1 etc42 above all1 the shirt-front should be plain4 ,at small1 unceremonious parties1 gloves are not necessary2 but1 when worn1 they should be new and fit well4 ,economy in gloves is an insult to society4 ,a man's jewelry should be of the best and simplest description4 ,false jewelry1 like every other form of falsehood and pretence1 is unmitigated vulgarity4 ,elaborate studs and sleeve-links are all foppish and vulgar4 ,a set of good studs1 a gold watch and guard1 and one handsome ring1 are as many ornaments as a gentleman can wear with propriety4 ,for a ring1 the man of fine taste would prefer a precious antique intaglio to the handsomest diamond or ruby that could be bought4 ,the most elegant gentleman with whom the author was ever acquainted--a man familiar with all the courts of ,europe--never wore any other shirt-studs in full dress than three valuable black pearls1 each about the size of a pea1 and by no means beautiful to look upon4 ,lastly1 a man's jewelry should always have some use1 and not1 like a lady's1 be worn for ornament only4 ,colored shirts may be worn in the morning2 but they should be small in pattern and quiet in color4 ,fancy cloths of conspicuous patterns are exceedingly ojectionable4 ,with a colored flannel shirt always wear a white collar and wristbands4 ,the hat should always be black2 and caps and straw-hats are only admissible in summer4 _/_/_/#aff ,if spectacles are necessary1 they should be of the best and lightest make1 and mounted in gold1 or blue steel4 ,for weak sight1 blue or smoke-colored glasses are the best2 green glasses are detestable4 ,a gentleman should never be seen in the street without gloves4 ,worsted or cotton gloves are not permissible4 ,a man's clothes should always be well brushed1 and never threadbare or shabby4 ,no gentleman can afford to wear shabby clothes4 ,for the country1 or the foreign tour1 a gentleman will select a costume of some light woolen material1 flannel shirts1 thick boots1 and everything to correspond4 ,dandyism is never more out of place than on the glacier1 or among the ,norwegian salmon fisheries4 ,there are three things one should consult in the matter of dress if one would always appear like a gentleman--viz41 expense1 comfort1 and society4 ,if there is one thing in this world about which we can entertain any degree of moral certainty1 it is that we must pay our tailor's bills4 ,if1 therefore1 our means are disproportionate to our wants1 we must remember the old proverb1 ,cut your coat according to your cloth1 and dress as well as you possibly can upon little money4 ,,miscellaneous2 ,,or1 ,,one ,,hundred ,,unclassified ,,laws ,,of ,,etiquette4 #a4 ,a ,,gentleman must always hand a lady a chair1 open the door for her to pass in or out1 remove anything that may be in her way1 and pick up anything she may drop1 even if she is an entire stranger to him4 #b4 ,a gentleman or lady will never look over the shoulder of another who is either reading or writing4 #c4 ,no gentleman or lady will ever be guilty of personality in conversation4 ,no wit1 however keen2 no sarcasm1 however humorous1 can make personal remarks anything but rude and vulgar4 #d4 ,a gentleman1 in passing a lady where he must stand aside to give her space1 must always remove his hat1 and incline his head slightly4 #e4 ,a lady1 in such a case1 must always acknowledge the courtesy by a slight bow4 #f4 ,exaggeration trespasses so closely upon falsehood that it is not safe to trust it4 ,to adhere strictly to truth can never lead into error4 #g4 ,conceit is the vice or folly of the shallow-minded2 so if you would not be thought so avoid boasting or affectations of any kind4 ,the truly wise man is modest1 and the braggart and coxcomb are valued but little4 #h4 ,it is unladylike to stand with arms a-kimbo or folded4 #i4 ,it is a mark of low breeding to fidget either with the hands or feet2 to play with the watch-chain1 toss the gloves1 suck the head of a cane or handle of a parasol1 or to fuss with a collar or necktie4 ,nothing is a more certain sign of gentle breeding than quiet ease without stiffness or fidgetting4 #aj4 ,to swing the foot1 or tap monotonously with the feet1 to drum with the fingers on a table or window1 are all breaches of etiquette4 #aa4 ,it is ill-bred to speak of persons with whom you are but slightly acquainted by their first name4 #ab4 ,no true lady will ever allow herself to speak of a gentleman by his surname without a prefix4 ,to hear a lady talking of ,holmes or ,warren1 instead of ,mr4 ,holmes or ,dr4 ,warren1 gives the impression that she is low-bred4 #ac4 ,no gentleman will ever criticize a wine offered to him1 no matter how poor it may be4 ,we give an instance of undaunted etiquette1 which proves to what an extent a well-bred man may carry his courtesy3 ,in ,england during the ,french ,revolution1 the ,duke of ,bedford invited the emigrant ,duc de ,grammont to a splendid dinner1 one of those magnificent entertainments which ,englishmen pride themselves on giving to crowned heads1 and their good feeling prompts them to offer to exiles4 ,during dessert1 a bottle of ,constantia was produced1 which for age and flavor was supposed to be matchless4 ,it was liquid gold in a crystal flagon--a ray of the sun descending into a goblet2 it was nectar which was worthy of ,jove1 and in which ,bacchus would have revelled4 ,the noble head of the house of ,russell himself helped his guest to a glass of this choice wine1 and de ,grammont1 on tasting it1 declared it to be excellent4 ,the ,duke of ,bedford1 anxious to judge of its quality1 poured out a glass1 which no sooner approached his lips than1 with a horrible contortion1 he exclaimed3 ',why1 what on earth is this8' ,the butler approached1 took the bottle and applied it to his nostrils1 and1 to the dismay of his master1 pronounced it to be castor-oil4 ,the ,duc de ,grammont had swallowed this horrid draught without wincing4 #ad4 ,flattery is a breach of etiquette4 ,johnson says3 ,of all wild beasts1 preserve me from a tyrant2 and of all tame1 a flatterer4 #ae4 ,no gentleman may ever break an engagement1 whether it be one of business or pleasure1 with a lady1 or with another gentleman4 ,if not blessed with a retentive memory1 he must carry a note-book and record therein all his appointments1 guarding1 by frequent reference1 against making two for the same day and hour4 ,to break an engagement with a lady is almost certain to give lasting offence1 and with good cause4 #af4 ,irritability is a breach of good manners4 ,watts says3 ,to be angry about trifles is mean and childish2 to rage and be furious is brutish1 and to maintain perpetual wrath is akin to the practice and temper of fiends2 but to prevent and suppress rising resentment is wise and glorious1 is manly and divine4 #ag4 ,nothing marks a gentleman more truly than a strict punctuality4 ,to keep another waiting is a breach of etiquette1 as well as often a positive unkindness4 #ah4 ,fine feathers make fine birds1 the old proverb tells us2 but no amount of fine dressing will ever make a lady4 ,true politeness1 gentle courtesy and refinement may be as marked in a lady wearing a calico dress and a sun-bonnet as in one in full gala dress4 ,mrs4 ,thorpe1 the celebrated ,english authoress1 tells of an interview with ,mrs4 ,washington1 than whom no more perfect lady1 in the true acceptance of the term1 ever lived4 ,she says3 ,as ,mrs4 ,washington was said to be so grand a lady1 we thought we must put on our best bibs and bands2 so we dressed ourselves in our most elegant ruffles and silks1 and were introduced to her ladyship2 and don't you think we found her knitting1 and with her check apron on6 ,she received us very graciously and easily2 but after the compliments were over1 she resumed her knitting4 ,there we were without a stitch of work1 and sitting in state2 but ,general ,washinton's lady1 with her own hands1 was knitting stockings for her husband4 #ai4 ,to answer a civil question rudely1 or even impatiently1 is a gross breach of etiquette4 ,even if it inconveniences you or interrupts you1 it will take no longer to answer kindly or politely than to wound or offend by crustiness4 #bj4 ,no gentleman may ever refuse an apology4 ,no matter how great the offence1 how deep the resentment1 an apology can never be rejected4 ,it may not again revive friendship2 but it must prevent quarrelling4 #ba4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to intrude upon a business man during business hours4 #bb4 ,an invalid1 an elderly person1 or a lady must be given the most comfortable chair in the room1 must be allowed to select the light and temperature1 and no true lady or gentleman will ever object to the exercise of the privilege4 #bc4 ,it is a breach of etiquette1 as well as an impertinence ever to question a child or servant upon family affairs4 #bd4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to examine a card-basket4 ,it is true they are generally exposed in the drawing-room2 but no true lady or gentleman will ever turn them over4 #be4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to consult a watch when in company4 ,to do so1 and then take leave1 is an absolute impertinence1 as a pleasant circle may be broken at an early hour1 under the impression that it must be late2 ,mr4 ,c--- hurried away so1 when he saw what time it was4 #bf4 ,it is a breach of etiquette when in company to try to attract the attention of one person by signals1 a cough1 a poke1 or a nudge4 ,any appearance1 indeed1 of privacy or mystery is rude in company4 #bg4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to assume a lazy1 lounging attitude in company4 ,if any one is too weak or too ill to sit up and assume a proper position1 he had better stay at home until he is stronger or in better health4 #bh4 ,mysterious allusions are rude4 #bi4 ,it is a breach of etiquette1 in general conversation1 to refer to incidents known to only one of the company1 thus forcing a species of tete-a-tete1 and withdrawing a perhaps unwilling partner from the general society4 #cj4 ,cards of ceremony must be answered either by a call1 a letter1 or a return card1 within a week after their reception4 #cb4 ,new-,year's calls must be made in person4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to send a card1 unless prevented by illness from calling4 #cb4 ,never rise to take leave in the midst of an interesting conversation2 wait until there is a pause1 and then withdraw1 with as little disturbance as possible4 #cc4 ,if you are calling1 and another person enters1 never offer the chair assigned you by the lady of the house2 it is her privilege to decide where to place her guests1 and an impertinence on your part to usurp her place4 #cd4 ,a gentleman will never talk of his business affairs to a lady1 nor a lady weary her gentlemen friends by an account of her domestic affairs4 #ce4 ,the only gifts that may be offered or accepted between ladies and gentlemen who are not related or engaged are books1 flowers1 music1 or confectionary4 ,a lady who accepts costly presents of jewelry puts herself under an obligation that she may find troublesome1 and no true gentleman will expose a lady to the pain of refusing an improper gift of this kind4 #cf4 ,in entering a room filled with people1 it is etiquette to bow slightly1 as a general salutation1 before speaking to each of those assembled4 #cg4 ,it is etiquette1 before taking a place at table1 to say ,good- morning1 or ,good-evening1 to those in the room before you1 and especially to those who preside over the meal4 #ch4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to go into company with the breath tainted by eating onions1 garlic1 cheese1 or any other strong- scented food4 #ci4 ,it is a breach of etiquette for a gentleman to enter a lady's presence smelling of tobacco or wine4 #dj4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to send a present hoping for another4 #da4 ,it is a breach of etiquette ever to refer to a gift you have made1 a favor you have granted1 or an obligation of any kind under which another lies with regard to you4 #db4 ,it is a breach of etiquette1 and shows a sad want of true delicacy1 to return a gift very soon4 ,an obligation of that kind1 if accepted at all1 must not be thrust back at once in the donor's face4 #dc4 ,it is a breach of etiquette for a husband or wife to speak of each other by their initial letter4 ,when you hear a lady saying1 ,b41 gave me this1 or a gentleman saying1 ,i always refer such matters to ,mrs4 ,p41 you may rest assured1 whatever their social station1 they are low-bred4 #dd4 ,civility1 says ,lord ,chesterfield1 is particularly due to all women2 and remember that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every woman2 and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman4 ,it is due to their sex1 and is the only protection they have against the superior strength of ours4 #de4 ,too great familiarity towards a new acquaintance is a breach of etiquette4 ,you are less likely to offend by being too ceremonious4 #df4 ,to notice1 by look or word1 any deformity1 any scar of misfortune to the face or figure of a friend1 in not only a breach of etiquette of the grossest kind1 but is a want of humanity and good feeling as well4 #dg4 ,it is a breach of etiquette1 when offering a gift1 to represent it as valueless1 or useless to yourself4 ,if you do not have it1 the pigs will1 is a homely old proverb in such cases1 not acceptable in polite society4 #dh4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to laugh at your own wit4 ,if others will not do that for you1 you had better let your remark pass unnoticed4 #di4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to lean heavily upon a table2 and also to tip a chair to and fro when you are talking2 and you will be justly punished if you find yourself sprawling on the floor with the chair on top of you4 #ej4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to write your own remarks in a borrowed book4 #ea4 ,scolding is ill-bred4 #eb4 ,it is a breach of etiquette for a gentleman to keep his hat on when handing a lady to a carriage4 #ec4 ,the man who will insult his inferiors is a boor at heart1 however polished he may appear amongst his equals1 or however deferential to his superiors4 #ed4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to display any bashfulness in company4 ,lord ,chesterfield says3 ,as for the mauvaise honte1 ,i hope you are above it4 ,your figure is like other people's2 ,i suppose you will care that your dress shall be so too1 and to avoid any singularity4 ,what1 then1 should you be ashamed of8 ,and why not go into a mixed company with as much ease and as little concern as you would go into your own room8 ,vice and ignorance are the only things ,i know which one ought to be ashamed of2 keep clear of them1 and you may go anywhere without fear or concern4 ,i have known some people who1 from feeling the pain and inconvenience of this mauvaise honte1 have rushed into the other extreme1 and turned impudent1 as cowards sometimes grow desperate from the excess of danger2 but this1 too1 is carefully to be avoided1 there being nothing more generally shocking than impudence4 ,the medium between the two extremes marks out the well- bred man2 he feels himself firm and easy in all companies2 is modest without being bashful1 and steady without being impudent2 if he is a stranger1 he observes with care the manners and ways of the people most esteemed at that place1 and conforms to them with complaisance4 #ee4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to wear an air of abstraction in society if your mind is really so absorbed that you cannot pay attention to what is going on around you1 you had better stay at home4 ,an absent mind is much more frequently a proof of self- conceit than of genius4 #ef4 ,eccentricity of any kind is in bad taste4 #eg4 ,to imitate the manners1 voice1 attitude1 or gestures of great men were a folly almost too absurd to mention if it were not so common4 ,many persons1 from a real or fancied personal resemblance to some celebrity1 will ape their manners also1 as if mere appearance would make them equally distinguished4 #eh4 ,it is wiser1 if you have met with reverses1 to withdraw yourself from society than to have society withdraw from you4 #ei4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to assume pedantic airs2 to talk of the ,latin and ,greek authors1 and quote in those languages4 #fj4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to make a quotation in a foreign language and then translate it1 thereby giving your listeners to understand that you do not consider them as well informed as yourself4 #fa4 ,shakespeare says3 ,to thine own self be true1 ,and it must follow1 as the night the day1 ,thou canst not then be false to any man4 #fb4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to contradict any one4 #fc4 ,the man who would suffer himself to speak a word against a woman1 or to rail at women generally1 deserves a rebuke recently given to a coxcomb at an ,english dinner-party1 who was checked in his loud abuse of the sex by one of the company1 who said3 ,i hope it is the gentleman's own mother and sisters who are referred to1 and not ours4 #fd4 ,if you try to make yourself appear more important than you really are1 you run the risk of being considered less so4 #fe4 ,marston says3 ,i1 me1 and mine1 should be bowed out of genteel circles4 ,egotism adorns no one4 #ff4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to offer a partner in dancing an ungloved hand4 #fg4 ,spitting is as vulgar as it is disgusting4 #fh4 ,the scholar1 without good breeding1 is a pedant2 the philosopher1 a cynic2 the soldier1 a brute2 and every man disagreeable1 says ,chesterfield4 #fi4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to betray an implied or involuntary confidence1 even if you have not been bound to secresy4 #gj4 ,bishop ,beveridge says3 ,never speak of a man's virtues before his face1 nor of his faults behind his back4 #ga4 ,in private1 watch your thoughts2 in your family1 watch your temper2 in society1 watch your tongue4 #gb4 ,to arrive at the heart of true courtesy1 says a modern writer1 separate the onld ,english titles for the well-bred2 they were the gentle-man and gentle-woman4 #gc4 ,it is better to live alone than in low company4 ,if you cannot keep good company1 keep none4 #gd4 ,sterne thus defines courtship3 ,true courtship consists in a number of quiet1 gentlemanly attentions2 not so pointed as to alarm1 not so vague as to be misunderstood4 #ge4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to enter a room noisily1 slamming the door1 or stamping heavily upon the floor4 #gf4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to make violent or abrupt movements4 #gg4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to neglect calling upon your friends4 ,visiting1 says a ,french writer1 forms the chord which binds society together1 and it is so firmly tied that were the knot severed1 society would perish4 #gh4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to select the route when walking with a lady1 unless she has requested you to do so4 #gi4 ,it is ill-bred to refuse the last piece on the plate or dish1 if it is offered to you1 as it implies a fear that there is no more in the pantry4 #hj4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to undertake any commission for a friend and neglect to perform it4 ,forgetfulness is no excuse4 #ha4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to answer a serious remark by a flippant one4 #hb4 ,practical joking is a breach of etiquette that cannot be too severely censured4 #hc4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to read when there is any other person present4 ,in the family circle1 a member who opens a book should apologize for and explain his apparent rudeness1 if obliged to study or refer to the volume4 #hd4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to yawn4 #he4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to blow the nose loudly4 #hf4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to suck the teeth4 #hg4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to pick the teeth or clean the nails in company4 #hh4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to speak much of your own performances4 #hi4 ,it is a gross breach of etiquette to pass between two persons who are conversing together4 #ij4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to pass before anybody4 ,if actually necessary1 it must be done with an apology4 #ia4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to urge wine upon a guest who has already declined to drink4 #ib4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to write a letter of congratulation upon mourning paper1 even if it is habitually used4 #ic4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to call a new acquaintance by the ,christian name1 unless requested to do so4 #id4 ,if you write requesting an autograph1 it is a breach of etiquette to omit to enclose a postage-stamp for the reply4 #ie4 ,ladies should avoid the use of strong perfumes4 ,they are unpleasant to nauseating to some persons2 and it is a breach of etiquette to annoy other people4 #if4 ,it is a breach of etiquette to lend a borrowed book1 unless you have the special permission of the owner to do so4 #ig4 ,it is a breach of etiquette1 as well as a most dangerous experiment1 to recommend remedies to an invalid who is under the care of a physician4 #ih4 ,a lady commits a breach of etiquette that amounts to a gross impropriety by calling upon a gentleman1 excepting upon business1 at his place of business4 ,even relatives1 unless in the immediate family1 cannot receive calls from ladies at home4 #ii4 ,gentlemen should never stand upon the hearthrug with their backs to the fire1 either in a friend's house or their own4 #ajj4 ,forgetfulness is a breach of etiquette4 ,it is impossible to be polite without cultivating a good memory4 ,the absent or self- absorbed person who forgets the names of his next-door neighbors1 recalls unlucky topics1 confuses the personal relationships of his personal friends1 speaks of the dead as if they were still living1 talks of peole in their hearing1 and commits a hundred such blunders without any malevolent intention1 is sure to make enemies for himself1 and to wound the feelings of others4 ,carelessness1 carried to a certain pitch1 becomes unchristian4 ,it is not well1 says an old proverb1 to talk of the gallows to a man whose father was hanged4 ,some persons are so notoriously absent or forgetful1 that their friends will say of them3 ,we must not tell ,b---2 he is certain to tread on somebody's corns4 ,we must ask him some evening when we are alone4 ,,end