,the ,life of ,st4 ,teresa of ,jesus ,transcriber's ,note3 ,corrections suggested in the ,corrigenda1 p4 viii of the original text1 have been made4 ,section number added for ,l #c4i1 since both the translator's preface and the index refer to it4 ,footnotes gathered at the ends of chapters4 ,typographical errors in two ,scriptural quotations have been corrected3 ,in ,l #ba note #aj1 ,i have changed ,qu prparavit ,deus iis qui to ,qu prparavit ,deus his qui2 and in ,l #bi note #ab1 ,i have changed ,as the longing of the heart to ,as the longing of the hart4 ,the ,life of ,st4 ,teresa of ,jesus ,re-imprimatur4 ,franciscus ,archiepiscopus ,westmonast4 ,die #bg ,sept41 #aijd4 ,the ,life of ,st4 ,teresa of ,jesus1 of the ,order of ,our ,lady of ,carmel4 ,written by ,herself4 ,translated from the ,spanish by ,david ,lewis4 ,third ,edition ,enlarged4 ,with additional ,notes and an ,introduction by ,rev4 ,fr4 ,benedict ,zimmerman1 ,o4,c4,d4 ,london3 ,thomas ,baker4 ,new ,york3 ,benziger ,bros4 ,,mcmiv4 ,contents4 ,chap4 ,introduction to the ,third ,edition1 by ,rev4 ,b4 ,zimmerman ,st4 ,teresa's ,arguments of the ,chapters ,preface by ,david ,lewis ,annals of the ,saint's ,life ,prologue ,i4 ,childhood and early ,impressions--,the ,blessing of pious ,parents--,desire of ,martyrdom--,death of the ,saint's ,mother ,,ii4 ,early ,impressions--,dangerous ,books and ,companions--,the ,saint is placed in a ,monastery ,,iii4 ,the ,blessing of being with good people--,how certain ,illusions were removed ,,iv4 ,our ,lord helps her to become a ,nun--,her many ,infirmities ,v4 ,illness and ,patience of the ,saint--,the ,story of a ,priest whom she rescued from a ,life of ,sin ,,vi4 ,the great ,debt she owed to our ,lord for ,his ,mercy to her--,she takes ,st4 ,joseph for her ,patron ,,vii4 ,lukewarmness--,the ,loss of ,grace--,inconvenience of ,laxity in ,religious ,houses ,,viii4 ,the ,saint ceases not to pray--,prayer the way to recover what is lost--,all exhorted to pray--,the great ,advantage of ,prayer1 even to those who may have ceased from it ,,ix4 ,the means whereby our ,lord quickened her ,soul1 gave her ,light in her ,darkness1 and made her strong in ,goodness ,x4 ,the ,graces she received in ,prayer--,what we can do ourselves--,the great ,importance of understanding what our ,lord is doing for us--,she desires her ,confessors to keep her ,writings secret1 because of the special ,graces of our ,lord to her1 which they had commanded her to describe ,,xi4 ,why men do not attain quickly to the perfect ,love of ,god--,of ,four ,degrees of ,prayer--,of the ,first ,degree--,the ,doctrine profitable for ,beginners1 and for those who have no sensible ,sweetness ,,xii4 ,what we can ourselves do--,the ,evil of desiring to attain to supernatural ,states before our ,lord calls us ,,xiii4 ,of certain ,temptations of ,satan--,instructions relating thereto ,,xiv4 ,the ,second ,state of ,prayer--,its supernatural ,character ,,xv4 ,instructions for those who have attained to the ,prayer of ,quiet--,many advance so far1 but few go farther ,,xvi4 ,the ,third ,state of ,prayer--,deep ,matters--,what the ,soul can do that has reached it--,effects of the great ,graces of our ,lord ,,xvii4 ,the ,third ,state of ,prayer--,the ,effects thereof--,the ,hindrance caused by the ,imagination and the ,memory ,,xviii4 ,the ,fourth ,state of ,prayer--,the great ,dignity of the ,soul raised to it by our ,lord--,attainable on ,earth1 not by our ,merit1 but by the ,goodness of our ,lord ,,xix4 ,the ,effects of this ,fourth ,state of ,prayer--,earnest ,exhortations to those who have attained to it not to go back nor to cease from ,prayer1 even if they fall--,the great ,calamity of going back ,,xx4 ,the ,difference between ,union and ,rapture--,what ,rapture is--,the ,blessing it is to the ,soul--,the ,effects of it ,,xxi4 ,conclusion of the ,subject--,pain of the ,awakening--,light against ,delusions ,,xxii4 ,the ,security of ,contemplatives lies in their not ascending to high ,things if our ,lord does not raise them--,the ,sacred ,humanity must be the ,road to the highest ,contemplation--,a ,delusion in which the ,saint was once entangled ,,xxiii4 ,the ,saint resumes the ,history of her ,life--,aiming at ,perfection--,means whereby it may be gained--,instructions for ,confessors ,,xxiv4 ,progress under ,obedience--,her ,inability to resist the ,graces of ,god--,god multiplies ,his ,graces ,,xxv4 ,divine ,locutions--,delusions on that ,subject ,,xxvi4 ,how the ,fears of the ,saint vanished--,how she was assured that her ,prayer was the ,work of the ,holy ,spirit ,,xxvii4 ,the ,saint prays to be directed in a different way--,intellectual ,visions ,,xxviii4 ,visions of the ,sacred ,humanity and of the glorified ,bodies--,imaginary ,visions--,great ,fruits thereof when they come from ,god ,,xxix4 ,of ,visions--,the ,graces our ,lord bestowed on the ,saint--,the ,answers our ,lord gave her for those who tried her ,,xxx4 ,st4 ,peter of ,alcantara comforts the ,saint--,great ,temptations and ,interior ,trials ,,xxxi4 ,of certain outward ,temptations and ,appearances of ,satan--,of the ,sufferings thereby occasioned--,counsels for those who go on unto ,perfection ,,xxxii4 ,our ,lord shows ,st4 ,teresa the ,place which she had by her ,sins deserved in ,hell--,the ,torments there--,how the ,monastery of ,st4 ,joseph was founded ,,xxxiii4 ,the ,foundation of the ,monastery hindered--,our ,lord consoles the ,saint ,,xxxiv4 ,the ,saint leaves her ,monastery of the ,incarnation for a time1 at the command of her superior--,consoles an afflicted ,widow ,,xxxv4 ,the ,foundation of the ,house of ,st4 ,joseph--,observance of holy ,poverty therein--,how the ,saint left ,toledo ,,xxxvi4 ,the ,foundation of the ,monastery of ,st4 ,joseph--,persecution and ,temptations--,great interior ,trial of the ,saint1 and her ,deliverance ,,xxxvii4 ,the ,effects of the divine ,graces in the ,soul--,the inestimable ,greatness of one ,degree of ,glory ,,xxxviii4 ,certain heavenly ,secrets1 ,visions1 and ,revelations--,the ,effects of them in her ,soul ,,xxxix4 ,other ,graces bestowed on the ,saint--,the ,promises of our ,lord to her--,divine ,locutions and ,visions ,,xl4 ,visions1 ,revelations1 and ,locutions ,the ,relations4 ,relation4 ,i4 ,sent to ,st4 ,peter of ,alcantara in #aefj from the ,monastery of the ,incarnation1 ,avila ,,ii4 ,to one of her ,confessors1 from the ,house of ,dona ,luisa de la ,cerda1 in #aefb ,,iii4 ,of various ,graces granted to the ,saint from the year #aefh to #aega1 inclusive ,,iv4 ,of the ,graces the ,saint received in ,salamanca at the end of ,lent1 #aega ,v4 ,observations on certain ,points of ,spirituality ,,vi4 ,the ,vow of ,obedience to ,father ,gratian which the ,saint made in #aege ,,vii4 ,made for ,rodrigo ,alvarez1 ,s4,j41 in the year #aege1 according to ,don ,vicente de la ,fuente2 but in #aegf1 according to the ,bollandists and ,f4 ,bouix ,,viii4 ,addressed to ,f4 ,rodrigo ,alvarez ,,ix4 ,of certain spiritual ,graces she received in ,toledo and ,avila in the years #aegf and #aegg ,x4 ,of a ,revelation to the ,saint at ,avila1 #aegi1 and of ,directions concerning the ,government of the ,order ,,xi4 ,written from ,palencia in ,may1 #aeha1 and addressed to ,don ,alonzo ,velasquez1 ,bishop of ,osma1 who had been when ,canon of ,toledo1 one of the ,saint's ,confessors ,introduction to the ,present ,edition4 ,when the publisher entrusted me with the task of editing this volume1 one sheet was already printed and a considerable portion of the book was in type4 ,under his agreement with the owners of the copyright1 he was bound to reproduce the text and notes1 etc41 originally prepared by ,mr4 ,david ,lewis without any change1 so that my duty was confined to reading the proofs and verifying the quotations4 ,this translation of the ,life of ,st4 ,teresa is so excellent1 that it could hardly be improved4 ,while faithfully adhering to her wording1 the translator has been successful in rendering the lofty teaching in simple and clear language1 an achievement all the more remarkable as in addition to the difficulty arising from the transcendental nature of the subject matter1 the involved style1 and the total absence of punctuation tend to perplex the reader4 ,now and then there might be some difference of opinion as to how ,st4 ,teresa's phrases should be construed1 but it is not too much to say that on the whole ,mr4 ,lewis has been more successful than any other translator1 whether ,english or foreign4 ,only in one case have ,i found it necessary to make some slight alteration in the text1 and ,i trust the owners of the copyright will forgive me for doing so4 ,in ,chapter ,,xxv41 #d1 ,st4 ,teresa1 speaking of the difference between the ,divine and the imaginary locutions1 says that a person commending a matter to ,god with great earnestness1 may think that he hears whether his prayer will be granted or not3 y es muy posible1 and this is quite possible1 but he who has ever heard a ,divine locution will see at once that this assurance is something quite different4 ,mr4 ,lewis1 following the old ,spanish editions1 translated ,and it is most impossible1 whereas both the autograph and the context demand the wording ,i have ventured to substitute4 ,when ,mr4 ,lewis undertook the translation of ,st4 ,teresa's works1 he had before him ,don ,vicente de la ,fuente's edition 7,madrid1 #ahfa-ahfb71 supposed to be a faithful transcript of the original4 ,in #ahgc the ,sociedad ,foto-,tipografica-,catolica of ,madrid published a photographic reproduction of the ,saint's autograph in #dab pages in folio1 which establishes the true text once for all4 ,don ,vicente prepared a transcript of this1 in which he wisely adopted the modern way of spelling but otherwise preserved the original text1 or at least pretended to do so1 for a minute comparison between autograph and transcript reveals the startling fact that nearly a thousand inaccuracies have been allowed to creep in4 ,most of these variants are immaterial1 but there are some which ought not to have been overlooked4 ,thus1 in ,chapter ,,xviii4 #bj1 ,st4 ,teresa's words are3 ,un gran letrado de la orden del glorioso santo ,domingo1 while ,don ,vicente retains the old reading ,de la orden del glorioso patriarca santo ,domingo4 ,mr4 ,lewis possessed a copy of this photographic reproduction1 but utilised it only in one instance in his second edition4 #a ,the publication of the autograph has settled a point of some importance4 ,the ,bollandists 7n4 #aebj71 discussing the question whether the headings of the chapters 7appended to this ,introduction7 are by ,st4 ,teresa or a later addition1 come to the conclusion 7against the authors of the ,reforma de los ,descalos7 that they are clearly an interpolation 7clarissime patet7 on account of the praise of the doctrine contained in these arguments4 ,notwithstanding their high authority the ,bollandists are in this respect perfectly wrong1 the arguments are entirely in ,st4 ,teresa's own hand and are exclusively her own work4 ,the ,book of ,foundations and the ,way of ,perfection contain similar arguments in the ,saint's handwriting4 ,nor need any surprise be felt at the alleged praise of her doctrine for by saying3 this chapter is most noteworthy 7,chap4 ,,xiv471 or3 this is good doctrine 7,chap4 ,,xxi471 etc41 she takes no credit for herself because she never grows tired of repeating that she only delivers the message she has received from our ,lord4 #b ,the ,bollandists1 not having seen the original1 may be excused1 but ,p4 ,bouix 7whom ,mr4 ,lewis follows in this matter7 had no right to suppress these arguments4 ,it is to be hoped that future editions of the works of ,s4 ,teresa will not again deprive the reader of this remarkable feature of her writings4 ,what she herself thought of her books is best told by ,yepes in a letter to ,father ,luis de ,leon1 the first editor of her works3 ,she was pleased when her writings were being praised and her ,order and the convents were held in esteem4 ,speaking one day of the ,way of ,perfection1 she rejoiced to hear it praised1 and said to me with great content3 ,some grave men tell me that it is like ,holy ,scripture4 ,for being revealed doctrine it seemed to her that praising her book was like praising ,god4 #c ,a notable feature in ,mr4 ,lewis's translation is his division of the chapters into short paragraphs4 ,but it appears that he rearranged the division during the process of printing1 with the result that a large number of references were wrong4 ,no labour has been spared in the correction of these1 and ,i trust that the present edition will be the more useful for it4 ,in quoting the ,way of ,perfection and the ,interior ,castle 7which he calls ,inner ,fortress67 ,mr4 ,lewis refers to similar paragraphs which1 however1 are to be found in no ,english edition4 ,a new translation of these two works is greatly needed1 and1 in the case of the ,way of ,perfection1 the manuscript of the ,escurial should be consulted as well as that of ,valladolid4 ,where the writings of ,s4 ,john of the ,cross are quoted by volume and page1 the edition referred to is the one of #ahfd1 another of ,mr4 ,lewis's masterpieces4 ,the chapters in ,ribera's ,life of ,st4 ,teresa refer to the edition in the ,acts of the ,saint by the ,bollandists4 ,these and all other quotations have been carefully verified1 with the exception of those taken from the works on ,mystical theology by ,antonius a ,spiritu ,sancto and ,franciscus a ,s4 ,thoma1 which ,i was unable to consult4 ,i should have wished to replace the quotations from antiquated editions of the ,letters of our ,saint by references to the new ,french edition by ,p4 ,grgoire de ,s4 ,joseph 7,paris1 ,poussielgue1 #aijj71 which may be considered as the standard edition4 ,in note #b to ,chap4 ,,xi4 ,mr4 ,lewis draws attention to a passage in a sermon by ,s4 ,bernard containing an allusion to different ways of watering a garden similar to ,st4 ,teresa's well-known comparison4 ,mr4 ,lewis's quotation is incorrect1 and ,i am not certain what sermon he may have had in view4 ,something to the point may be found in sermon #bb on the ,canticle 7,migne1 ,p4 ,l4 ,vol4 ,,clxxxiii1 p4 #hgi71 and in the first sermon on the ,nativity of our ,lord 7ibid41 p4 #aae71 and also in a sermon on the ,canticle by one of ,st4 ,bernard's disciples 7,vol4 ,,clxxxiv41 p4 #aie74 ,i am indebted to the ,very ,rev4 ,prior ,vincent ,mc,nabb1 ,o4,p41 for the verification of a quotation from ,st4 ,vincent ,ferrer 7,chap4 ,,xx4 #ca74 ,since the publication of ,mr4 ,lewis's translation the uncertainty about the date of ,st4 ,teresa's profession has been cleared up4 ,yepes1 the ,bollandists1 ,p4 ,bouix1 ,don ,vicente de la ,fuente1 ,mr4 ,lewis1 and numerous other writers assume that she entered the convent of the ,incarnation #d on ,november #bnd1 #aecc1 and made her profession on ,november #crd1 #aecd4 ,the remaining dates of events previous to her conversion are based upon this1 as will be seen from the chronology printed by ,mr4 ,lewis at the end of his ,preface and frequently referred to in the footnotes4 ,it rests1 however1 on inadequate evidence1 namely on a single passage in the ,life #e where the ,saint says that she was not yet twenty years old when she made her first supernatural experience in prayer4 ,she was twenty in ,march1 #aece1 and as this event took place after her profession1 the latter was supposed by ,yepes and his followers to have taken place in the previous ,november4 ,even if we had no further evidence1 the fact that ,st4 ,teresa is not always reliable in her calculation should have warned us not to rely too much upon a somewhat casual statement4 ,in the first chapter1 #g1 she positively asserts that she was rather less than twelve years old at the death of her mother1 whereas we know that she was at least thirteen years and eight months old4 ,as to the profession we have overwhelming evidence that it took place on the #crd of ,november1 #aecf1 and her entrance in the convent a year and a day earlier4 ,to begin with1 we have the positive statement of her most intimate friends1 ,julian d',avila1 ,father ,ribera1 ,s4,j41 and ,father ,jerome ,gratian4 ,likewise doa ,maria ,pinel1 nun of the ,incarnation1 says in her deposition3 ,she 7,teresa of ,jesus7 took the habit on #b ,november1 #aece4 #f ,this is corroborated by various passages in the ,saint's writings4 ,thus1 in ,relation ,,vii41 written in #aege1 she says1 speaking of herself3 ,this nun took the habit forty years ago4 ,again in a passage of the ,life written about the end of #aefd or the beginning of the following year1 #g she mentions that she has been a nun for over twenty-eight years1 which points to her profession in #aecf4 ,but there are two documents which place the date of profession beyond dispute1 namely the act of renunciation of her right to the paternal inheritance and the deed of dowry drawn up before a public notary4 ,both bear the date #ca ,october1 #aecf4 ,the authors of the ,reforma de los ,descalos thought that they must have been drawn up before ,st4 ,teresa took the habit1 and therefore placed this event in #aecf and the profession in #aecg1 but neither of these documents is necessarily connected with the clothing1 yet both must have been completed before profession4 ,the ,constitutions of ,blessed ,john ,soreth1 drawn up in #adfb1 which were observed at the convent of the ,incarnation1 contain the following rule with regard to the reception and training of novices3 #h ,consulimus quod recipiendus ante susceptionem habitus expediat se de omnibus quae habet in saeculo nisi ex causa rationabili per priorem generalem vel provincialem fuerit aliter ordinatum4 ,there was1 indeed1 good reason in the case of ,st4 ,teresa to postpone these legal matters4 ,her father was much opposed to her becoming a nun1 but considering his piety it might have been expected that before the end of the year of probation he would grant his consent 7which in the event he did the very day she took the habit71 and make arrangements for the dowry4 ,one little detail concerning her haste in entering the convent has been preserved by the ,reforma and the ,bollandists1 #i though neither seem to have understood its meaning4 ,on leaving the convent of the ,incarnation for ,st4 ,joseph's in #aefc1 ,st4 ,teresa handed the prioress of the former convent a receipt for her bedding1 habit and discipline4 ,this almost ludicrous scrupulosity was in conformity with a decision of the general chapter of #acdb which said3 ,ingrediens ordinem ad sui ipsius instantiam habeat lectisternia pro se ipso1 sin autem recipiens solvat lectum illum4 ,as ,st4 ,teresa entered the convent without the knowledge of her father she did not bring this insignificant trousseau with her2 accordingly the prioress became responsible for it and obtained a receipt when ,st4 ,teresa went to the new convent4 ,the dowry granted by ,alphonso ,sanchez de ,cepeda to his daughter consisted of twenty-five measures1 partly wheat1 partly barley1 or1 in lieu thereof1 two hundred ducats per annum4 ,few among the numerous nuns of the ,incarnation could have brought a better or even an equal dowry4 ,the date of ,st4 ,teresa's profession being thus fixed on the #crd of ,november1 #aecf1 some other dates of the chronology must be revised4 ,her visit to ,castellanos de la ,canada must have taken place in the early part of #aecg4 ,but already before this time the ,saint had an experience which should have proved a warning to her1 and the neglect of which she never ceased to deplore1 namely the vision of our ,lord2 #aj her own words are that this event took place at the very beginning of her acquaintance with the person who exercised so dangerous an influence upon her4 ,mr4 ,lewis assigns to it the date #aedb1 which is impossible seeing that instead of twenty-six it was only twenty-two years before she wrote that passage of her life4 ,moreover1 it would have fallen into the midst of her lukewarmness 7according to ,mr4 ,lewis's chronology7 instead of the very beginning4 ,p4 ,bouix rightly assigns it to the year #aecg1 but as he is two years in advance of our chronology it does not agree with the surrounding circumstances as described by him4 ,bearing in mind the hint ,st4 ,teresa gives #aa as to her disposition immediately after her profession1 we need not be surprised if the first roots of her lukewarmness show themselves so soon4 ,from ,castellanos she proceeded to ,hortigosa on a visit to her uncle4 ,while there she became acquainted with the book called ,tercer ,abecedario4 ,don ,vicente remarks that the earliest edition known to him was printed in #aecg1 which tells strongly against the chronology of the ,bollandists1 ,p4 ,bouix1 and others4 ,again1 speaking of her cure at ,bezadas she gives a valuable hint by saying that she remained blind to certain dangers for more than seventeen years until the ,jesuit fathers finally undeceived her4 ,as these came to ,avila in #aeee the seventeen years lead us back to #aech1 which precisely coincides with her sojourn at ,bezadas4 ,she remained there until ,pascua florida of the following year4 ,p4 ,bouix and others understand by this term ,palm ,sunday1 but ,don ,vicente shows good reason that ,easter ,sunday is meant1 which in #aeci was ,april the #fth4 ,she then returned to ,avila1 more dead than alive1 and remained seriously ill for nearly three years1 until she was cured through the miraculous intervention of ,st4 ,joseph about the beginning of #aedb4 ,now began the period of lukewarmness which was temporally interrupted by the illness and death of her father1 in #aedd or #aede1 and came to an end about #aeee4 ,don ,vicente1 followed by ,mr4 ,lewis1 draws attention to what he believes to be a proof of great laxity of the convent1 that ,st4 ,teresa should have been urged by one of her confessors to communicate as often as once a fortnight4 ,it should be understood that frequent communion such as we now see it practised was wholly unknown in her time4 ,the ,constitutions of the ,order specified twelve days on which all those that were not priests should communicate1 adding3 ,verumtamen fratres professi prout ,deus eis devotionem contulerit diebus dominicis et festis duplicibus 7i4e41 on feasts of our ,lady1 the ,apostles1 etc471 communicare poterunt si qui velint4 ,thus1 communicating about once a month ,st4 ,teresa acted as ordinary good ,religious were wont to do1 and by approaching the sacrament more frequently she placed herself among the more fervent nuns4 #ab ,st4 ,teresa wrote quite a number of different accounts of her life4 ,the first1 addressed to ,father ,juan de ,padranos1 ,s4,j4 #ac and dated #aeeg1 is now lost4 ,the second1 written for ,st4 ,peter of ,alcantara1 is ,relation ,i4 at the end of this volume2 a copy of it1 together with a continuation 7,relation ,,ii47 was sent to ,father ,pedro ,ibaez in #aefb4 ,it is somewhat difficult to admit that in the very same year she wrote another1 more extensive1 account to the same priest1 which is generally called the first ,life4 ,at the end of the ,life such as we have it now1 ,st4 ,teresa wrote3 ,this book was finished in ,june1 #aefb1 and ,father ,baez wrote underneath3 ,this date refers to the first account which the ,holy ,mother ,teresa of ,jesus wrote of her life2 it was not then divided into chapters4 ,afterwards she made this copy and inserted in it many things which had taken place subsequent to this date1 such as the foundation of the monastery of ,st4 ,joseph of ,avila4 ,elsewhere ,father ,baez says3 #ad ,of one of her books1 namely1 the one in which she recorded her life and the manner of prayer whereby ,god had led her1 ,i can say that she composed it to the end that her confessors might know her the better and instruct her1 and also that it might encourage and animate those who learn from it the great mercy ,god had shown her1 a great sinner as she humbly acknowledged herself to be4 ,this book was already written when ,i made her acquaintance1 her previous confessors having given her permission to that effect4 ,among these was a licentiate of the ,dominican ,order1 the ,reverend ,father ,pedro ,ibaez1 reader of ,divinity at ,avila4 ,she afterwards completed and recast this book4 ,these two passages of ,baez have led the biographers of the ,saint to think that she wrote her ,life twice1 first in #aefa and the following year1 completing it in the house of ,doa ,luisa de la ,cerda at ,toledo1 in the month of ,june2 and secondly between #aefc and #aefe at ,st4 ,joseph's ,convent of ,avila4 ,they have been at pains to point out a number of places which could not have been in the first ,life1 but must have been added in the second2 #ae and they took it for granted that the letter with which the book as we now have it concludes1 was addressed to ,father ,ibaez in #aefb1 when the ,saint sent him the first ,life4 ,it bears neither address nor date1 but from its contents ,i am bound to conclude that it was written in #aefe1 that it refers to the second ,life1 and that whomsoever it was addressed to1 it cannot have been to ,father ,ibaez1 who was already dead at the time4 #af ,saint ,teresa asks the writer to send a copy of the book to ,father ,juan de ,avila4 ,now we know from her letters that as late as #aefh this request had not been complied with1 and that ,st4 ,teresa had to write twice to ,doa ,luisa for this purpose2 #ag but if she had already given these instructions in #aefb1 it is altogether incomprehensible that she did not see to it earlier1 especially when the first ,life was returned to her for the purpose of copying and completing it4 ,the second reason which prevents me from considering this letter as connected with the first ,life will be examined when ,i come to speak of the different ends the ,saint had in view when writing her ,life4 ,it is more difficult to say to whom the letter was really addressed4 ,the ,reforma suggests ,father ,garcia de ,toledo1 ,dominican1 who bade the ,saint write the history of the foundation of ,st4 ,joseph's at ,avila #ah and who was her confessor at that convent4 ,it moreover believes that he it is to whom ,chapter ,,xxxiv4 #h-bj refers1 and this opinion appears to me plausible4 ,as to the latter point1 ,yepes thinks the ,dominican at ,toledo was ,father ,vicente ,barron1 the ,bollandists offer no opinion1 and ,mr4 ,lewis1 in his first edition gives first the one and then the other4 ,if1 as ,i think1 ,father ,garcia was meant1 the passage in ,chapter ,,xvi4 #aj1 beginning ,o1 my son1 would concern him also1 as well as several passages where ,vuestra ,merced--you1 my ,father--is addressed4 ,for although the book came finally into the hands of ,father ,baez1 it was first delivered into those of the addressee of the letter4 ,whether the previous paper was a mere ,relation1 or really a first attempt at a ,life1 #ai there can be no dispute about its purpose3 ,st4 ,teresa speaks of it in the following terms3 ,i had recourse to my ,dominican father 7,ibaez72 ,i told him all about my visions1 my way of prayer1 the great graces our ,lord had given me1 as clearly as ,i could1 and begged him to consider the matter well1 and tell me if there was anything therein at variance with the ,holy ,writings1 and give me his opinion on the whole matter4 #bj ,the account thus rendered had the object of enabling ,father ,ibaez to give her light upon the state of her soul4 ,but while she was drawing it up1 a great change came over her4 ,during ,st4 ,teresa's sojourn at ,toledo she became from a pupil an experienced master in ,mystical knowledge4 ,when ,i was there a religious 7probably ,father ,garcia de ,toledo7 with whom ,i had conversed occasionally some years ago1 happened to arrive4 ,when ,i was at ,mass in a monastery of his ,order1 ,i felt a longing to know the state of his soul4 #ba ,three times the ,saint rose from her seat1 three times she sat down again1 but at last she went to see him in a confessional1 not to ask for any light for herself1 but to give him what light she could1 for she wished to induce him to surrender himself more perfectly to ,god1 and this she accomplished by telling him how she had fared since their last meeting4 ,no one who reads this remarkable chapter can help being struck by the change that has come over ,teresa3 the period of her schooling is at an end1 and she is now the great teacher of ,mystical theology4 ,her humility does not allow her to speak with the same degree of openness upon her achievements as she did when making known her failings1 yet she cannot conceal the ,gift of ,wisdom she had received and the use she made of it4 ,st4 ,teresa's development1 if extraordinary considering the degree of spirituality she reached1 was nevertheless gradual and regular4 ,with her wonderful power of analysis1 she has given us not only a clear insight into her interior progress1 but also a sketch of the development of her understanding of supernatural things4 ,it is now 7i4e41 about the end of #aefc7 some five or six years1 ,i believe1 since our ,lord raised me to this state of prayer1 in its fulness1 and that more than once1--and ,i never understood it1 and never could explain it2 and so ,i was resolved1 when ,i should come thus far in my story1 to say very little or nothing at all4 #bb ,in the following chapter she adds3 ,you1 my father1 will be delighted greatly to find an account of the matter in writing1 and to understand it2 for it is one grace that our ,lord gives grace2 and it is another grace to understand what grace and what gift it is2 and it is another and further grace to have the power to describe and explain it to others4 ,though it does not seem that more than the first of these--the giving of grace--is necessary1 it is a great advantage and a great grace to understand it4 #bc ,these words contain the clue to much that otherwise would be obscure in the life of our ,saint3 great graces were bestowed upon her1 but at first she neither understood them herself nor was she able to describe them4 ,hence the inability of her confessors and spiritual advisers to guide her4 ,her natural gifts1 great though they were1 did not help her much4 ,though you1 my father1 may think that ,i have a quick understanding1 it is not so2 for ,i have found out in many ways that my understanding can take in only1 as they say1 what is given it to eat4 ,sometimes my confessor used to be amazed at my ignorance3 and he never explained to me--nor1 indeed1 did ,i desire to understand--how ,god did this1 nor how it could be4 ,nor did ,i ever ask4 #bd ,at first she was simply bewildered by the favours shown her1 afterwards she could not help knowing1 despite the fears of over anxious friends1 that they did come from ,god1 and that so far from imperilling her soul made a different woman of her1 but even then she was not able to explain to others what she experienced in herself4 ,but shortly before the foundation of ,st4 ,joseph's convent she received the last of the three graces mentioned above1 the ,gift of ,wisdom1 and the scene at ,toledo is the first manifestation of it4 ,this explains the difference of the ,life such as we know it from the first version or the ,relations preceding it4 ,whatever this writing was1 it still belonged to the period of her spiritual education1 whereas the volume before us is the first-fruit of her spiritual ,mastership4 ,the new light that had come to her induced her confessors #be to demand a detailed work embodying everything she had learned from her heavenly ,teacher4 #bf ,the treatise on ,mystical theology contained in ,chapters ,x4 to ,,xxi41 the investigation of ,divine locutions1 ,visions and ,revelations in the concluding portion of the work could have had no place in any previous writing4 ,while her experiences before she obtained the ,gift of ,wisdom influenced but three persons 7one of them being her father71 a great many profited by her increased knowledge4 #bg ,the earlier writings were but confidential communications to her confessors1 and if they became known to larger circles this was due to indiscretion4 ,but her ,life was written from the beginning with a view to publication4 ,allusions to this object may be found in various places #bh as well as in the letter appended to the book1 #bi but the decisive utterances must be sought for elsewhere1 namely in the ,way of ,perfection4 ,this work was written immediately after the ,life1 while the ,saint was as yet at the convent of ,st4 ,joseph's4 ,it was re-written later on and is now only known in its final shape1 but the first version1 the original of which is preserved at the ,escurial and has been reproduced photographically1 leaves no doubt as to the intentions of ,st4 ,teresa in writing her ,life4 ,i have written a few days ago a certain ,relation of my ,life4 ,but since it might happen that my confessor may not permit you 7the ,sisters of ,st4 ,joseph's7 to read it1 ,i will put here some things concerning prayer which are conformable to what ,i have said there1 as well as some other things which appear to me to be necessary4 #cj ,again3 ,as all this is better explained in the book which ,i say ,i have written1 there is no need for me to speak of it with so much detail4 ,i have said there all ,i know4 ,those of you who have been led by ,god to this degree of contemplation 7and ,i say that some have been led so far71 should procure the book because it is important for you1 after ,i am dead4 #ca ,at the end she writes3 ,since the ,lord has taught you the way and has inspired me as to what ,i should put in the book which ,i say has been written1 how they should behave who have arrived at this fountain of living water and what the soul feels there1 and how ,god satiates her and makes her lose the thirst for things of this world and causes her to grow in things pertaining to the service of ,god2 that book1 therefore1 will be of great help for those who have arrived at this state1 and will give them much light4 ,procure it4 ,for ,father ,domingo ,baez1 presentado of the ,order of ,st4 ,dominic who1 as ,i say1 is my confessor1 and to whom ,i shall give this1 has it3 if he judges that you should see this1 and gives it to you1 he will also give you the other4 #cb ,while the first and second of these quotations may be found1 somewhat weakened1 in the final version of the ,way of ,perfection1 the last one is entirely omitted4 ,nor need this surprise us1 for ,father ,baez had his own ideas about the advisability of the publication of the ,life4 ,in his deposition1 already referred to1 he says3 ,it was not convenient that this book should become public during her lifetime1 but rather that it should be kept at the ,holy ,office 7the ,inquisition7 until we knew the end of this person2 it was therefore quite against my will that some copies were taken while it was in the hands of the bishop ,don ,alvaro ,mendoza1 who1 being a powerful prelate and having received it from the said ,teresa of ,jesus1 allowed it to be copied and showed it to his sister1 doa ,maria de ,mendoza2 thus certain persons taking an interest in spiritual matters and knowing already some portions of this treatise 7evidently the contents of the divulged ,relations7 made further copies1 one of which became the property of the ,duchess of ,alba1 doa ,maria ,enriquez1 and is now1 ,i think1 in the hands of her daughter-in-law1 doa ,maria de ,toledo4 ,all this was against my wish1 and ,i was much annoyed with the said ,teresa of ,jesus1 though ,i knew well it was not her fault but the fault of those to whom she had confided the book1 and ,i told her she ought to burn the original because it would never do that the writings of women should become public property2 to which she answered she was quite aware of it and would certainly burn it if ,i told her to do so2 but knowing her great humility and obedience ,i did not dare to have it destroyed but handed it to the ,holy ,office for safe-keeping1 whence it has been withdrawn since her death and published in print4 #cc ,from this it will be seen that ,baez1 who had given a most favourable opinion when the ,life was denounced to the ,inquisition 7#aegd71 resulting in the approbation by ,cardinal de ,quiroga to the great joy of ,st4 ,teresa1 #cd returned it to the ,holy ,office for safety's sake4 ,it was withdrawn by the ,ven4 ,mother ,anne of ,jesus when the ,order had decided upon the publication of the works of the ,saint1 but too late to be utilised then4 ,father ,luis de ,leon1 the editor1 had to content himself with the copy already alluded to4 ,st4 ,teresa wrote her ,life slowly4 ,it was begun in spring1 #aefc1 #ce and completed in ,may or ,june1 #aefe4 ,she complains that she can only work at it by stealth on account of her duties at the distaff2 #cf but the book is written with so much order and method1 the manuscript is so free from mistakes1 corrections and erasures1 that we may conclude that while spinning she worked it out in her mind1 so that the apparent delay proved most advantageous4 ,in this respect the ,life is superior to the first version of the ,way of ,perfection4 ,this latter work was printed during her lifetime1 though it appeared only after her death4 ,in #aehf the ,definitory of the province of ,discalced ,carmelites decided upon the publication of the complete works of the ,saint1 but for obvious reasons deemed not only the members of her own ,order but also ,dominicans and ,jesuits ineligible for the post of editor4 ,such of the manuscripts as could be found were therefore confided to the ,augustinian ,father1 ,luis de ,leon1 professor at ,salamanca1 who prepared the edition but did not live to carry it through the press4 ,the fact that he did not know the autograph of the ,life accounts for the numerous inaccuracies to be found in nearly all editions1 but the publication of the original should ensure a great improvement for the future4 ,st4 ,teresa's canonisation took place before the stringent laws of ,urban ,,viii4 came into force4 ,consequently1 the writings of the ,saint were not then enquired into1 the ,holy ,see contenting itself with the approbations granted by the ,spanish ,inquisition1 and by the congregation of the ,rota in ,rome4 ,a certain number of passages selected from various works having been denounced by some ,roman theologians as being contrary to the teaching of ,st4 ,thomas ,aquinas and other authorities1 ,diego ,alvarez1 a ,dominican1 and ,john ,rada1 a ,franciscan1 were commissioned to examine the matter and report on it4 ,the twelve censures with the answers of the two theologians and the final judgment of the ,rota seem to have remained unknown to the ,bollandists4 #cg ,the heavenly doctrine of ,st4 ,teresa is alluded to not only in the ,bull of canonisation but even in the ,collect of the ,mass of the ,saint4 ,concerning the ,english translations of the ,life noticed by ,mr4 ,lewis it should be mentioned that the one ascribed to ,abraham ,woodhead is only partly his work4 ,father ,bede of ,st4 ,simon ,stock 7,walter ,joseph ,travers71 a ,discalced ,carmelite1 labouring on the ,english ,mission from #affj till #afib1 was anxious to complete the translation of ,st4 ,teresa's works into ,english4 ,he had not proceeded very far when he learnt that others were engaged in the same task4 ,on enquiry he found that a new translation was contemplated by two graduates of the ,university of ,cambridge1 converts to the ,faith1 most learned and pious men1 who were leading a solitary life1 spending their time and talents in the composition of controversial and devotional works for the good of their neighbour and the glory of ,god4 ,one of these two men was ,woodhead1 who1 however1 was an ,oxford man1 but the name of the other1 who must have been a ,cambridge man1 is not known4 ,they undertook the translation while ,father ,bede provided the funds and bore the risks of what was then a dangerous work4 ,as there existed already two ,english translations of the ,life1 the first volume to appear 7#affi7 contained the ,book of ,foundations1 to which was prefixed the history of the foundation of ,st4 ,joseph's from the ,life4 ,when1 therefore1 the new translation of the latter appeared1 in #afga1 this portion of the book was omitted4 #ch ,the translation was made direct from the ,spanish but uniformly with the ,italian edition4 ,mr4 ,lewis1 whose translation is the fifth1 was born on the #abth of ,november1 #ahad1 and died on ,january the #bcrd1 #ahie4 ,the first edition was printed in #ahgj1 the second in #ahhh4 ,it is regrettable that the latter edition1 of which the present is a reprint1 omitted the marginal notes which would have been so helpful to the reader4 ,st4 ,teresa's life and character having always been a favourite study of men and women of various schools of thought1 it may be useful to notice here a few recent ,english and foreign works on the subject3-- ,the ,life of ,saint ,teresa1 by the author of ,devotions before and after ,holy ,communion 7i4e41 ,miss ,maria ,trench71 ,london1 #ahge4 ,the ,life of ,saint ,teresa of the ,order of ,our ,lady of ,mount ,carmel4 ,edited with a preface by the ,archbishop of ,westminster 7,cardinal ,manning71 ,london1 #ahfe4 7,by ,miss ,elizabeth ,lockhart1 afterwards first abbess of the ,franciscan convent1 ,notting ,hill47 ,frequently reprinted4 ,the ,life and ,letters of ,st4 ,teresa1 by ,henry ,james ,coleridge1 ,s4,j4 ,quarterly ,series4 #c vols 7#ahha1 #ahhg1 #ahhh74 ,and1 from another point of view3 ,the ,life of ,st4 ,teresa1 by ,gabriela ,cunninghame-,graham1 #b vols1 ,london1 #ahid4 ,histoire de ,sainte ,thrse d'aprs les ,bollandistes4 #b vols1 ,nantes1 #ahhb4 ,frequently reprinted4 ,the author is ,mlle4 ,adelaide ,lecornu 7born #e ,july1 #aheb1 died at the ,carmelite convent at ,caen1 #ad ,december1 #aija4 ,her name in religion was ,adelaide-,jronyme-,zoe-,marie du ,sacr-,coeur74 ,an excellent character sketch of the ,saint has appeared in the ,les ,saints series 7,paris1 ,lecoffre1 #aija73 ,sainte ,thrse1 par ,henri ,joly4 ,although the attempt at explaining the extraordinary phenomena in the life of ,st4 ,teresa by animal ,magnetism and similar obscure theories had already been exploded by the ,bollandists1 it has lately been revived by ,professor ,don ,arturo ,perales ,gutierrez of ,granada1 and ,professor ,don ,fernando ,segundo ,brieva ,salvatierra of ,madrid1 who considered her a subject of hysterical derangements4 ,the discussion carried on for some time1 not only in ,spain but also in ,france1 ,germany1 and other countries1 has been ably summed up and disposed of by ,p4 ,grgoire de ,s4 ,joseph3 ,la prtendue ,hystrie de ,sainte ,thrse4 ,lyons4 ,the ,bibliographie ,thrsienne1 by ,henry de ,curzon 7,paris1 #aijb7 is1 unfortunately1 too incomplete1 not to say slovenly1 to be of much use4 ,finally1 it is necessary to say a word about the spelling of the name ,teresa4 ,in ,spanish and ,italian it should be written without an h as these languages do not admit the use of ,th2 in ,english1 likewise1 where this combination of letters represents a special sound1 the name should be spelt with ,t only4 ,but the present fashion of thus writing it in ,latin1 ,german1 ,french1 and other languages1 which generally maintain the etymological spelling1 is intolerable3 ,the name is ,greek1 and was placed on the calendar in honour of a noble ,spanish lady1 ,st4 ,therasia1 who became the wife of a ,saint1 ,paulinus of ,nola1 and a ,saint herself4 ,see ,sainte ,thrse1 ,lettres au ,r4 ,p4 ,bouix1 by the ,abb ,postel1 ,paris1 #ahfd4 ,the derivation of the name from the ,hebrew ,thersa can no longer be defended 7,father ,jerome-,gratian1 in ,fuente1 ,obras1 ,vol4 ,,vi41 p4 #cfi sqq474 ,benedict ,zimmerman1 ,prior ,o4,c4,d4 ,st4 ,luke's ,priory1 ,wincanton1 ,somerset4 #afth ,july1 #aijd4 #a4 ,chap4 xxxiv41 note #e4 #b4 ,chap4 xviii4 #aa4 #c4 ,fuente1 ,obras 7#ahha71 vol4 vi4 p4 #acc4 #d4 ,see the licence granted by ,leo ,x4 to the prioress and convent of the ,incarnation to build another house for the use of the said convent1 and to migrate thither 7,vatican ,archives1 ,dataria1 ,leo ,x41 anno i41 vol4 viii41 fol4 #hb74 ,also a licence to sell or exchange certain property belonging to it 7ibid41 anno iv41 vol4 vii41 f4 #bgd2 and a charge to the ,bishop of ,avila concerning a recourse of the said convent 7ibid41 anno vii41 vol4 iv41 f4 #bd74 #e4 ,chap4 iv #i4 #f4 ,lettres de ,ste4 ,thrse1 edit4 ,p4 ,grgoire de ,s4 ,joseph1 vol4 iii1 p4 #dai1 note #b4 #g4 ,chap4 xxxvi4 #aj4 ,the date of this part of the ,life can be easily ascertained from the two following chapters4 ,in xxxvii4 #ah1 ,st4 ,teresa says that she is not yet fifty years old1 consequently the chapter must have been written before the end of ,march1 #aefe2 and in the next chapter1 xxxviii4 #ae1 she speaks of the death of ,father ,pedro ,ibaez1 which appears to have taken place on #bnd ,february4 ,this1 at least1 is the date under which his name appears in the ,anne ,dominicaine1 and the ,very ,rev4 ,prior ,vincent ,mc,nabb tells me that there is every reason to think that it is the date of his death4 #h4 ,when about ,a4,d4 #adeb certain communities of ,beguines demanded affiliation to the ,carmelite ,order1 they were given the ,constitutions of the friars without any alterations4 ,these ,constitutions were revised in #adfb1 but neither there nor in the ,acts of the ,general ,chapters1 so far as these are preserved1 is there the slightest reference to convents of nuns4 ,the colophon of the printed edition 7,venice1 #adii7 shows that they held good for friars and nuns3 ,expliciunt sacrae constitutiones novae fratrum et sororum beatae ,mariae de ,monte ,carmelo4 ,they contain the customary laws forbidding the friars under pain of excommunication1 to leave the precincts of their convents without due licence1 but do not enjoin strict enclosure1 which would have been incompatible with their manner of life and their various duties4 ,st4 ,teresa nowhere insinuates that the ,constitutions1 such as they were1 were not kept at the ,incarnation2 her remarks in chap4 vii4 are aimed at the ,constitutions themselves1 which were never made for nuns1 and therefore did not provide for the needs of their convents4 #i4 ,reforma lib4 i41 cap4 #dg4 ,bollandists4 no4 #cff4 #aj4 ,chap4 vii4 #aa4 #aa4 ,chap4 v4 #b4 #ab4 ,constitutions of #adfb4 ,part i41 cap4 x4 #ac4 ,chap4 xxiii4 #ag4 #ad4 ,deposition for the process of canonisation1 written in #aeia4 ,fuente1 ,obras1 vol4 vi41 p4 #agd4 #ae4 ,see the notes to chapters vii4 #aa2 xvi4 #aj2 xx4 #f2 xxiv4 #d2 xxvii4 #ag4 ,at the end of chapter xxxi4 we are told on the authority of ,don ,vicente that the first ,life must have ended at this point4 #af4 ,bollandists1 no4 #aeah4 #ag4 ,lettres1 edit4 ,grgoire4 ,i41 pp4 #ac 7#ah ,may1 #aefh72 #ba 7#bg ,may72 #ce 7#b ,november74 #ah4 ,reforma1 vol4 i41 lib4 v41 cap4 xxxv41 no4 #i4 ,bollandists1 no4 #aeah4 #ai4 ,if the latter1 it must have been very much shorter than the second edition1 and can scarcely have contained more than the first nine chapters 7perhaps verbatim7 and an account of the visions1 locutions1 etc41 contained in chapters xxiii4-xxxi41 without comment4 #bj4 ,chap4 xxxiii4 #g4 #ba4 ,chap4 xxxiv4 #h4 #bb4 ,chap4 xvi4 #b4 #bc4 ,chap4 xvii4 #g4 #bd4 ,chap4 xxviii4 #aj4 #be4 ,in the ,prologue to the ,book of ,foundations1 ,father ,garcia de ,toledo1 her confessor at ,st4 ,joseph's ,convent1 is said to be responsible for the order to rewrite the ,life2 but in the ,preface to the ,life ,st4 ,teresa speaks of her confessors in the plural4 ,fathers ,ibaez and ,baez may be included in the number4 ,see also ch4 xxx4 #bg4 #bf4 ,chap4 xviii4 #aa4 #bg4 ,chap4 xiii4 #bb4 ,in chap4 xvi4 #ab1 the ,saint says3 ,i wish we five who now love one another in our ,lord1 had made some such arrangement1 etc4 ,fuente is of opinion that these five were1 besides the ,saint1 ,father ,julian de ,avila1 ,don ,francisco de ,salcedo1 ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 and ,don ,lorenzo de ,cepeda1 ,st4 ,teresa's brother3 but this is impossible at the date of this part of the ,life4 ,it is more probable that she meant ,francisco de ,salcedo1 ,gaspar ,daza1 ,julian de ,avila1 and ,father ,ibaez1 the latter being still alive in the beginning of #aefd1 when this chapter was written4 ,it is more difficult to say who the three confessors were whom ,st4 ,teresa desired to see the ,life 7ch4 xl4 #cb74 ,if1 as ,i think1 the book was first handed to ,father ,garcia de ,toledo1 the others may have been ,francisco de ,salcedo1 ,baltasar ,alvarez1 and ,gaspar de ,salazar4 #bh4 ,chap4 x4 #aa and #ab4 #bi4 ,this is the second reason why the letter could not have been addressed to ,father ,ibaez in #aefb4 #cj4 ,edited by ,don ,francisco ,herrero ,bayona1 #ahhc p4 #d4 #ca4 ,ibid41 chap4 xli4 7see ,dalton's translation1 chap4 xxv474 #cb4 ,ibid41 chap4 lxxiii4 ,see the difference in ,dalton's translation1 chap4 xlii4 #cc4 ,fuente1 ,obras1 vol4 vi41 p4 #bge4 #cd4 ,see the following ,preface1 p4 xxxvii4 ,lettres1 ed4 ,grgoire1 ii41 p4 #fe4 ,p4 ,bertholde-,ignace1 ,vie de la ,mre ,anne de ,jsus1 i41 p4 #dgb4 #ce4 ,in the ,prologue to the ,book of ,foundations1 ,st4 ,teresa says that ,father ,garcia de ,toledo ordered her to rewrite the book the same year in which ,st4 ,joseph's ,convent was founded1 i4e4 #aefb1 but seeing that she only spent a few hours there and that the principal difficulties only arose after her return to the ,incarnation1 it appears more probable that ,father ,garcia's command was not made until the spring of the following year1 when she went to live at ,st4 ,joseph's4 #cf4 ,chap4 x4 #aa4 #cg4 ,see ,historia ,generalis ,fratrum ,discalceatorum ,ordinis ,b4 ,virginis ,mariae de ,monte ,carmelo ,congregationis ,eliae4 ,romae1 #affh1 vol4 i41 pp4 #cdj-ceh ad ann4 #afjd4 #ch4 ,see ,carmel in ,england1 by ,rev4 ,father ,b4 ,zimmerman1 p4 #bdj sqq4 ,st4 ,teresa's ,arguments of the ,chapters4 ,j4,h4,s4 ,j4,h4,s4 ,chapter ,i4 #a--;,in which she tells how ,god #b began to dispose this soul from childhood for virtue1 and how she was helped by having virtuous parents4 ,chapter ,,ii4--,how she lost these virtues and how important it is to deal from childhood with virtuous persons4 ,chapter ,,iii4--,in which she sets forth how good company was the means of her resuming good intentions1 and in what manner ,god began to give her some light on the deception to which she was subjected4 ,chapter ,,iv4--,she explains how1 with the assistance of ,god1 she compelled herself to take the 7,religious7 habit1 and how ,his ,majesty began to send her many infirmities4 ,chapter ,v4--,she continues to speak of the great infirmities she suffered and the patience ,god gave her to bear them1 and how ,he turned evil into good1 as is seen from something that happened at the place where she went for a cure4 ,chapter ,,vi4--,of the great debt she owes ,god for giving her conformity of her will 7with ,his7 in her trials1 and how she turned towards the glorious ,st4 ,joseph as her helper and advocate1 and how much she profited thereby4 ,chapter ,,vii4--,of the way whereby she lost the graces ,god had granted her1 and the wretched life she began to lead2 she also speaks of the danger arising from the want of a strict enclosure in convents of nuns4 ,chapter ,,viii4--,of the great advantage she derived from not entirely abandoning prayer so as not to lose her soul2 and what an excellent remedy this is in order to win back what one has lost4 ,she exhorts everybody to practise prayer1 and shows what a gain it is1 even if one should have given it up for a time1 to make use of so great a good4 ,chapter ,,ix4--,by what means ,god began to rouse her soul and give light in the midst of darkness1 and to strengthen her virtues so that she should not offend ,him4 ,chapter ,x4--,she begins to explain the graces ,god gave her in prayer1 and how much we can do for ourselves1 and of the importance of understanding ,god's mercies towards us4 ,she requests those to whom this is to be sent to keep the remainder 7of this book7 secret1 since they have commanded her to go into so many details about the graces ,god has shown her4 ,chapter ,,xi4--,in which she sets forth how it is that we do not love ,god perfectly in a short time4 ,she begins to expound by means of a comparison four degrees of prayer1 of the first of which she treats here2 this is most profitable for beginners and for those who find no taste in prayer4 ,chapter ,,xii4--,continuation of the first state4 ,she declares how far1 with the grace of ,god1 we can proceed by ourselves1 and speaks of the danger of seeking supernatural and extraordinary experiences before ,god lifts up the soul4 ,chapter ,,xiii4--,she continues to treat of the first degree1 and gives advice with respect to certain temptations sometimes sent by ,satan4 ,this is most profitable4 ,chapter ,,xiv4--,she begins to explain the second degree of prayer in which ,god already gives the soul special consolations1 which she shows here to be supernatural4 ,this is most noteworthy4 ,chapter ,,xv4--,continuing the same subject1 she gives certain advice how one should behave in the prayer of quiet4 ,she shows that many souls advance so far1 but that few go beyond4 ,the matters treated of in this chapter are very necessary and profitable4 ,chapter ,,xvi4--,on the third degree of prayer2 she declares things of an elevated nature2 what the soul that has come so far can do1 and the effect of such great graces of ,god4 ,this is calculated to greatly animate the spirit to the praise of ,god1 and contains advice for those who have reached this point4 ,chapter ,,xvii4--,continues to declare matters concerning the third degree of prayer and completes the explanation of its effects4 ,she also treats of the impediment caused by the imagination and the memory4 ,chapter ,,xviii4--,she treats of the fourth degree of prayer1 and begins to explain #c in what high dignity ,god holds a soul that has attained this state2 this should animate those who are given to prayer1 to make an effort to reach so high a state since it can be obtained in this world1 though not by merit but only through the goodness of ,god4 #d ,chapter ,,xix4--,she continues the same subject1 and begins to explain the effects on the soul of this degree of prayer4 ,she earnestly exhorts not to turn back nor to give up prayer even if1 after having received this favour1 one should fall4 ,she shows the damage that would result 7from the neglect of this advice74 ,this is most noteworthy and consoling for the weak and for sinners4 ,chapter ,,xx4--,she speaks of the difference between ,union and ,trance1 and explains what a ,trance is2 she also says something about the good a soul derives from being1 through ,god's goodness1 led so far4 ,she speaks of the effects of ,union4 #e ,chapter ,,xxi4--,she continues and concludes this last degree of prayer1 and says what a soul having reached it feels when obliged to turn back and live in the world1 and speaks of the light ,god gives concerning the deceits 7of the world74 ,this is good doctrine4 ,chapter ,,xxii4--,in which she shows that the safest way for contemplatives is not to lift up the spirit to high things but to wait for ,god to lift it up4 ,how the ,sacred ,humanity of ,christ is the medium for the most exalted contemplation4 ,she mentions an error under which she laboured for some time4 ,this chapter is most profitable4 ,chapter ,,xxiii4--,she returns to the history of her life1 how she began to practise greater perfection4 ,this is profitable for those who have to direct souls practising prayer that they may know how to deal with beginners1 and she speaks of the profit she derived from such knowledge4 ,chapter ,,xxiv4--,she continues the same subject and tells how her soul improved since she began to practise obedience1 and how little she was able to resist ,god's graces1 and how ,his ,majesty continued to give them more and more abundantly4 ,chapter ,,xxv4--,of the manner in which ,locutions of ,god are perceived by the soul without being actually heard2 and of some deceits that might take place in this matter1 and how one is to know which is which4 ,this is most profitable for those who are in this degree of prayer1 because it is very well explained1 and contains excellent doctrine4 ,chapter ,,xxvi4--,she continues the same subject2 explains and tells things that have happened to her which caused her to lose fear and convinced her that the spirit which spoke to her was a good one4 ,chapter ,,xxvii4--,of another way in which ,god teaches a soul1 and1 without speaking1 makes ,his ,will known in an admirable manner4 ,she goes on to explain a vision1 though not an imaginary one1 and a great grace with which ,god favoured her4 ,this chapter is noteworthy4 ,chapter ,,xxviii4--,she treats of the great favours ,god showed her1 and how ,he appeared to her for the first time2 she explains what an imaginary vision is1 and speaks of the powerful effects it leaves and the signs whether it is from ,god4 ,this chapter is most profitable and noteworthy4 ,chapter ,,xxix4--,she continues and tells of some great mercies ,god showed her1 and what ,his ,majesty said to her in order to assure her 7of the truth of these visions71 and taught her how to answer contradictors4 ,chapter ,,xxx4--,she continues the history of her life1 and how ,god sent her a remedy for all her anxieties by calling the holy ,friar ,fray ,pedro de ,alcantara of the ,order of the glorious ,st4 ,francis to the place where she lived4 ,she mentions some great temptations and interior trials through which she sometimes had to pass4 ,chapter ,,xxxi4--,she speaks of some exterior temptations and apparitions of ,satan1 and how he ill-treated her4 ,she mentions1 moreover1 some very good things by way of advice to persons who are walking on the way of perfection4 ,chapter ,,xxxii4--,she narrates how it pleased ,god to put her in spirit in that place of ,hell she had deserved by her sins4 ,she tells a little #f of what she saw there compared with what there was besides4 ,she begins to speak of the manner and way of founding the convent of ,st4 ,joseph where she now lives4 ,chapter ,,xxxiii4--,she continues the subject of the foundation of the glorious ,st4 ,joseph4 ,how she was commanded to have nothing 7further7 to do with it1 how she abandoned it1 also the troubles it brought her and how ,god consoled her in all this4 ,chapter ,,xxxiv4--,she shows how at that time it happened that she absented herself from this place and how her ,superior commanded her to go away at the request of a very noble lady who was in great affliction4 ,she begins to tell what happened to her there1 and the great grace ,god bestowed upon her in determining through her instrumentality a person of distinction to serve ,him truly2 and how that person found favour and help in her 7,teresa74 ,this is noteworthy4 ,chapter ,,xxxv4--,continuation of the foundation of this house of our glorious ,father ,st4 ,joseph2 in what manner our ,lord ordained that holy poverty should be observed there2 the reason why she left the lady with whom she had been staying1 and some other things that happened4 ,chapter ,,xxxvi4--,she continues the same subject1 and shows how the foundation of this convent of the glorious ,st4 ,joseph was finally accomplished1 and the great contradictions and persecutions she had to endure after the ,religious had taken the habit1 and the great trials and temptations through which she passed1 and how ,god led her forth victorious to ,his own glory and praise4 ,chapter ,,xxxvii4--,of the effects which remained when ,god granted her some favour2 together with other very good doctrine4 ,she shows how one ought to strive after and prize every increase in heavenly glory1 and that for no trouble whatever one should neglect a good that is to be perpetual4 ,chapter ,,xxxviii4--,she treats of some great mercies ,god showed her1 even making known to her heavenly secrets by means of visions and revelations ,his ,majesty vouchsafed to grant her2 she speaks of the effects they caused and the great improvement resulting in her soul4 ,chapter ,,xxxix4--,she continues the same subject1 mentioning great graces granted her by ,god2 how ,he promised to hear her requests on behalf of persons for whom she should pray4 ,some remarkable instances in which ,his ,majesty thus favoured her4 ,chapter ,,xl4--,continuation of the same subject of great mercies ,god has shown her4 ,from some of these very good doctrine may be gathered1 and this1 as she declares1 was1 besides compliance with obedience1 her principal motive 7in writing this book71 namely to enumerate such of these mercies as would be instructive to souls4 ,this chapter brings the history of her ,life1 written by herself1 to an end4 ,may it be for the glory of ,god4 ,amen4 #a4 ,st4 ,teresa wrote no title1 either of the whole book or of the ,preface1 but only the monogram ,j4,h4,s41 which is repeated at the beginning of the first chapter and at the end of the last1 previous to the letter with which the volume concludes4 #b4 ,el ,seor is everywhere translated by ,god in distinction to ,nuestro ,seor1 ,our ,lord4 #c4 ,in an excellent manner1 scored through by the ,saint herself4 #d4 ,to be read with great care1 as it is explained in a most delicate way1 and contains many noteworthy points1 also scored through by ,st4 ,teresa herself4 #e4 ,this is most admirable1 scored through by the ,saint4 #f4 ,una cifra1 a mere nothing4 ,preface by ,david ,lewis4 ,st4 ,teresa was born in ,avila on ,wednesday1 ,march #bh1 #aeae4 ,her father was ,don ,alfonso ,sanchez de ,cepeda1 and her mother ,doa ,beatriz ,davila y ,ahumada4 ,the name she received in her baptism was common to both families1 for her great-grandmother on the father's side was ,teresa ,sanchez1 and her grandmother on her mother's side was ,teresa de las ,cuevas4 ,while she remained in the world1 and even after she had become a nun in the monastery of the ,incarnation1 which was under the mitigated rule1 she was known as ,doa ,teresa ,sanchez ,cepeda ,davila y ,ahumada2 for in those days children took the name either of the father or of the mother1 as it pleased them4 ,the two families were noble1 but that of ,ahumada was no longer in possession of its former wealth and power4 #a ,doa ,beatriz was the second wife of ,don ,alfonso1 and was related in the fourth degree to the first wife1 as appears from the dispensation granted to make the marriage valid on the #afth of ,october1 #aeji4 ,of this marriage ,teresa was the third child4 ,doa ,beatriz died young1 and the eldest daughter1 ,maria de ,cepeda1 took charge of her younger sisters--they were two--and was as a second mother to them till her marriage1 which took place in #aeca1 when the ,saint was in her sixteenth year4 ,but as she was too young to be left in charge of her father's house1 and as her education was not finished1 she was sent to the ,augustinian monastery1 the nuns of which received young girls1 and brought them up in the fear of ,god4 #b ,the ,saint's own account is that she was too giddy and careless to be trusted at home1 and that it was necessary to put her under the care of those who would watch over her and correct her ways4 ,she remained a year and a half with the ,augustinian nuns1 and all the while ,god was calling her to ,himself4 ,she was not willing to listen to ,his voice2 she would ask the nuns to pray for her that she might have light to see her way2 but for all this1 she writes1 ,i wished not to be a nun4 #c ,by degrees her will yielded1 and she had some inclination to become a religious at the end of the eighteen months of her stay1 but that was all4 ,she became ill2 her father removed her1 and the struggle within herself continued1--on the one hand1 the voice of ,god calling her2 on the other1 herself labouring to escape from her vocation4 ,at last1 after a struggle which lasted three months1 she made up her mind1 and against her inclination1 to give up the world4 ,she asked her father's leave1 and was refused4 ,she besieged him through her friends1 but to no purpose4 ,the utmost ,i could get from him1 she says1 was that ,i might do as ,i pleased after his death4 #d ,how long this contest with her father lasted is not known1 but it is probable that it lasted many months1 for the ,saint was always most careful of the feelings of others1 and would certainly have endured much rather than displease a father whom she loved so much1 and who also loved her more than his other children4 #e ,but she had to forsake her father1 and so she left her father's house by stealth1 taking with her one of her brothers1 whom she had persuaded to give himself to ,god in religion4 ,the brother and sister set out early in the morning1 the former for the monastery of the ,dominicans1 and the latter for the ,carmelite monastery of the ,incarnation1 in ,avila4 ,the nuns received her into the house1 but sent word to her father of his child's escape4 ,don ,alfonso1 however1 yielded at once1 and consented to the sacrifice which he was compelled to make4 ,in the monastery of the ,incarnation the ,saint was led on1 without her own knowledge1 to states of prayer so high1 that she became alarmed about herself4 ,in the purity and simplicity of her soul1 she feared that the supernatural visitations of ,god might after all be nothing else but delusions of ,satan4 #f ,she was so humble1 that she could not believe graces so great could be given to a sinner like herself4 ,the first person she consulted in her trouble seems to have been a layman1 related to her family1 ,don ,francisco de ,salcedo4 ,he was a married man1 given to prayer1 and a diligent frequenter of the theological lectures in the monastery of the ,dominicans4 ,through him she obtained the help of a holy priest1 ,gaspar ,daza1 to whom she made known the state of her soul4 ,the priest1 hindered by his other labours1 declined to be her director1 and the ,saint admits that she could have made no progress under his guidance4 #g ,she now placed herself in the hands of ,don ,francis1 who encouraged her in every way1 and1 for the purpose of helping her onwards in the way of perfection1 told her of the difficulties he himself had met with1 and how by the grace of ,god he had overcome them4 ,but when the ,saint told him of the great graces which ,god bestowed upon her1 ,don ,francis became alarmed2 he could not reconcile them with the life the ,saint was living1 according to her own account4 ,he never thought of doubting the ,saint's account1 and did not suspect her of exaggerating her imperfections in the depths of her humility3 he thought the evil spirit might have something to do with her1 #h and advised her to consider carefully her way of prayer4 ,don ,francis now applied again to ,gaspar ,daza1 and the two friends consulted together2 but1 after much prayer on their part and on that of the ,saint1 they came to the conclusion that she was deluded by an evil spirit1 and recommended her to have recourse to the fathers of the ,society of ,jesus1 lately settled in ,avila4 ,the ,saint1 now in great fear1 but still hoping and trusting that ,god would not suffer her to be deceived1 made preparations for a general confession2 and committed to writing the whole story of her life1 and made known the state of her soul to ,f4 ,juan de ,padranos1 one of the fathers of the ,society4 ,f4 ,juan understood it all1 and comforted her by telling her that her way of prayer was sound and the work of ,god4 ,under his direction she made great progress1 and for the further satisfaction of her confessor1 and of ,don ,francis1 who seems to have still retained some of his doubts1 she told everything to ,st4 ,francis de ,borja1 who on one point changed the method of direction observed by ,f4 ,juan4 ,that father recommended her to resist the supernatural visitations of the spirit as much as she could1 but she was not able1 and the resistance pained her2 #i ,st4 ,francis told her she had done enough1 and that it was not right to prolong that resistance4 #aj ,the account of her life which she wrote before she applied to the ,jesuits for direction has not been preserved2 but it is possible that it was made more for her own security than for the purpose of being shown to her confessor4 ,the next account is ,relation ,i41 made for ,st4 ,peter of ,alcantara1 and was probably seen by many2 for that ,saint had to defend her1 and maintain that the state of her soul was the work of ,god1 against those who thought that she was deluded by ,satan4 ,her own confessor was occasionally alarmed1 and had to consult others1 and thus1 by degrees1 her state became known to many2 and there were some who1 were so persuaded of her delusions1 that they wished her to be exorcised as one possessed of an evil spirit1 #aa and at a later time her friends were afraid that she might be denounced to the ,inquisitors4 #ab ,during the troubles that arose when it became known that the ,saint was about to found the monastery of ,st4 ,joseph1 and therein establish the original rule of her ,order in its primitive simplicity and austerity1 she went for counsel to the ,father ,fra ,pedro ,ibaez1 #ac the ,dominican1 a most holy and learned priest4 ,that father not only encouraged her1 and commended her work1 but also ordered her to give him in writing the story of her spiritual life4 ,the ,saint readily obeyed1 and began it in the monastery of the ,incarnation1 and finished it in the house of ,doa ,luisa de la ,cerda1 in ,toledo1 in the month of ,june1 #aefb4 ,on the #bdth of ,august1 the feast of ,st4 ,bartholomew1 in the same year1 the ,reform of the ,carmelites began in the new monastery of ,st4 ,joseph in ,avila4 ,what the ,saint wrote for ,fra ,ibaez has not been found4 ,it is1 no doubt1 substantially preserved in her ,life1 as we have it now1 and is supposed to have reached no further than the end of ch4 xxxi4 ,what follows was added by direction of another ,dominican father1 confessor of the ,saint in the new monastery of ,st4 ,joseph1 ,fra ,garcia of ,toledo1 who1 in #aefb1 bade her write the history of that foundation1 and other matters4 ,but as the ,saint carried a heavy burden laid on her by ,god1 a constant fear of delusion1 she had recourse about the same time to the ,inquisitor ,soto1 who advised her to write a history of her life1 send it to ,juan of ,avila1 the ,apostle of ,andalucia1 and abide by his counsel4 ,as the direction of ,fra ,garcia of ,toledo and the advice of the ,inquisitor must have been given1 according to her account1 about the same time1 the ,life1 as we have it now1 must have occupied her nearly six years in the writing of it1 which may well be owing to her unceasing care in firmly establishing the new monastery of ,st4 ,joseph4 ,the book at last was sent to ,blessed ,juan of ,avila by her friend ,doa ,luisa de la ,cerda1 and that great master of the spiritual life wrote the following censure of it3 ,the grace and peace of ,jesus ,christ be with you always4 #a4 ,when ,i undertook to read the book sent me1 it was not so much because ,i thought myself able to judge of it1 as because ,i thought ,i might1 by the grace of our ,lord1 learn something from the teachings it contains3 and praised be ,christ2 for1 though ,i have not been able to read it with the leisure it requires1 ,i have been comforted by it1 and might have been edified by it1 if the fault had not been mine4 ,and although1 indeed1 ,i may have been comforted by it1 without saying more1 yet the respect due to the subject and to the person who has sent it will not allow me1 ,i think1 to let it go back without giving my opinion on it1 at least in general4 #b4 ,the book is not fit to be in the hands of everybody1 for it is necessary to correct the language in some places1 and explain it in others2 and there are some things in it useful for your spiritual life and not so for others who might adopt them1 for the special ways by which ,god leads some souls are not meant for others4 ,these points1 or the greater number of them1 ,i have marked for the purpose of arranging them when ,i shall be able to do so1 and ,i shall not fail to send them to you2 for if you were aware of my infirmities and necessary occupations1 ,i believe they would make you pity me rather than blame me for the omission4 #c4 ,the doctrine of prayer is for the most part sound1 and you may rely on it1 and observe it2 and the raptures ,i find to possess the tests of those which are true4 ,what you say of ,god's way of teaching the soul1 without respect to the imagination and without interior locutions1 is safe1 and ,i find nothing to object to it4 ,st4 ,augustine speaks well of it4 #d4 ,interior locutions in these days have been a delusion of many1 and exterior locutions are the least safe4 ,it is easy enough to see when they proceed from ourselves1 but to distinguish between those of a good and those of an evil spirit is more difficult4 ,there are many rules given for finding out whether they come from our ,lord or not1 and one of them is1 that they should be sent us in a time of need1 or for some good end1 as for the comforting a man under temptation or in doubt1 or as a warning of coming danger4 ,as a good man will not speak unadvisedly1 neither will ,god2 so1 considering this1 and that the locutions are agreeable to the holy writings and the teaching of the ,church1 my opinion is that the locutions mentioned in the book came from ,god4 #e4 ,imaginary or bodily visions are those which are most doubtful1 and should in no wise be desired1 and if they come undesired still they should be shunned as much as possible1 yet not by treating them with contempt1 unless it be certain that they come from an evil spirit2 indeed1 ,i was filled with horror1 and greatly distressed1 when ,i read of the gestures of contempt that were made4 #ad ,people ought to entreat our ,lord not to lead them by the way of visions1 but to reserve for them in ,heaven the blessed vision of ,himself and the saints1 and to guide them here along the beaten path as ,he guides ,his faithful servants1 and they must take other good measures for avoiding these visions4 #f4 ,but if the visions continue after all this is done1 and if the soul derives good from them1 and if they do not lead to vanity1 but deeper humility1 and if the locutions be at one with the teaching the ,church1 and if they continue for any time1 and that with inward satisfaction--better felt than described--there is no reason for avoiding them4 ,but no one ought to rely on his own judgment herein2 he should make everything known to him who can give him light4 ,that is the universal remedy to be had recourse to in such matters1 together with hope in ,god1 ,who will not let a soul that wishes to be safe lie under a delusion1 if it be humble enough to yield obedience to the opinion of others4 #g4 ,nor should any one cause alarm by condemning them forthwith1 because he sees that the person to whom they are granted is not perfect1 for it is nothing new that our ,lord in ,his goodness makes wicked people just1 yea1 even grievous sinners2 by giving them to taste most deeply of ,his sweetness4 ,i have seen it so myself4 ,who will set bounds to the goodness of our ,lord8--especially when these graces are given1 not for merit1 nor because one is stronger2 on the contrary1 they are given to one because he is weaker2 and as they do not make one more holy1 they are not always given to the most holy4 #h4 ,they are unreasonable who disbelieve these things merely because they are most high things1 and because it seems to them incredible that infinite ,majesty humbles ,himself to these loving relations with one of ,his creatures4 ,it is written1 ,god is love1 and if ,he is love1 then infinite love and infinite goodness1 and we must not be surprised if such a love and such a goodness breaks out into such excesses of love as disturb those who know nothing of it4 ,and though many know of it by faith1 still1 as to that special experience of the loving1 and more than loving1 converse of ,god with whom ,he will1 if not had1 how deep it reaches can never be known2 and so ,i have seen many persons scandalized at hearing of what ,god in ,his love does for ,his creatures4 ,as they are themselves very far away from it1 they cannot think that ,god will do for others what ,he is not doing for them4 ,as this is an effect of love1 and that a love which causes wonder1 reason requires we should look upon it as a sign of its being from ,god1 seeing that ,he is wonderful in ,his works1 and most especially in those of his compassion2 but they take occasion from this to be distrustful1 which should have been a ground of confidence1 when other circumstances combine as evidences of these visitations being good4 #i4 ,it seems from the book1 ,i think1 that you have resisted1 and even longer than was right4 ,i think1 too1 that these locutions have done your soul good1 and in particular that they have made you see your own wretchedness and your faults more clearly1 and amend them4 ,they have lasted long1 and always with spiritual profit4 ,they move you to love ,god1 and to despise yourself1 and to do penance4 ,i see no reasons for condemning them1 ,i incline rather to regard them as good1 provided you are careful not to rely altogether on them1 especially if they are unusual1 or bid you do something out of the way1 or are not very plain4 ,in all these and the like cases you must withhold your belief in them1 and at once seek for direction4 #aj4 ,also it should be considered that1 even if they do come from ,god1 ,satan may mix with them suggestions of his own2 you should therefore be always suspicious of them4 ,also1 when they are known to be from ,god1 men must not rest much on them1 seeing that holiness does not lie in them1 but in a humble love of ,god and our neighbour2 everything else1 however good1 must be feared1 and our efforts directed to the gaining of humility1 goodness1 and the love of our ,lord4 ,it is seemly1 also1 not to worship what is seen in these visions1 but only ,jesus ,christ1 either as in ,heaven or in the ,sacrament1 or1 if it be a vision of the ,saints1 then to lift up the heart to the ,holy ,one in ,heaven1 and not to that which is presented to the imagination3 let it suffice that the imagination may be made use of for the purpose of raising me up to that which it makes me see4 #aa4 ,i say1 too1 that the things mentioned in this book befall other persons even in this our day1 and that there is great certainty that they come from ,god1 ,whose arm is not shortened that ,he cannot do now what ,he did in times past1 and that in weak vessels1 for ,his own glory4 #ab4 ,go on your road1 but always suspecting robbers1 and asking for the right way2 give thanks to our ,lord1 ,who has given you ,his love1 the knowledge of yourself1 and a love of penance and the cross1 making no account of these other things4 ,however1 do not despise them either1 for there are signs that most of them come from our ,lord1 and those that do not come from ,him will not hurt you if you ask for direction4 #ac4 ,i cannot believe that ,i have written this in my own strength1 for ,i have none1 but it is the effect of your prayers4 ,i beg of you1 for the love of ,jesus ,christ our ,lord1 to burden yourself with a prayer for me2 ,he knows that ,i am asking this in great need1 and ,i think that is enough to make you grant my request4 ,i ask your permission to stop now1 for ,i am bound to write another letter4 ,may ,jesus be glorified in all and by all6 ,amen4 ,your servant1 for ,christ's sake4 ,juan de ,avila ,montilla1 #abth ,sept41 #aefh4 ,her confessors1 having seen the book1 commanded her to make copies of it1 #ae one of which has been traced into the possession of the ,duke and ,duchess of ,alva4 ,the ,princess of ,eboli1 in #aefi1 obtained a copy from the ,saint herself1 after much importunity2 but it was more out of vanity or curiosity1 it is to be feared1 than from any real desire to learn the story of the ,saint's spiritual life1 that the ,princess desired the boon4 ,she and her husband promised to keep it from the knowledge of others1 but the promise given was not kept4 ,the ,saint heard within a few days later that the book was in the hands of the servants of the ,princess1 who was angry with the ,saint because she had refused to admit1 at the request of the ,princess1 an ,augustinian nun into the ,order of ,carmel in the new foundation of ,pastrana4 ,the contents of the book were bruited abroad1 and the visions and revelations of the ,saint were said to be of a like nature with those of ,magdalene of the ,cross1 a deluded and deluding nun4 ,the gossip in the house of the ,princess was carried to ,madrid1 and the result was that the ,inquisition began to make a search for the book4 #af ,it is not quite clear1 however1 that it was seized at this time4 ,the ,princess became a widow in ,july1 #aegc1 and insisted on becoming a ,carmelite nun in the house she and her husband1 ,ruy ,gomez1 had founded in ,pastrana4 ,when the news of her resolve reached the monastery1 the mother-prioress1 ,isabel of ,st4 ,dominic1 exclaimed1 ,the ,princess a nun6 ,i look on the house as ruined4 ,the ,princess came1 and insisted on her right as foundress2 she had compelled a friar to give her the habit before her husband was buried1 and when she came to ,pastrana she began her religious life by the most complete disobedience and disregard of common propriety4 ,don ,vicente's description of her is almost literally correct1 though intended only for a general summary of her most childish conduct3 ,on the death of the ,prince of ,eboli1 the ,princess would become a nun in her monastery of ,pastrana4 ,the first day she had a fit of violent fervour2 on the next she relaxed the rule2 on the third she broke it1 and conversed with secular people within the cloisters4 ,she was also so humble that she required the nuns to speak to her on their knees1 and insisted upon their receiving into the house as religious whomsoever she pleased4 ,hereupon complaints were made to ,st4 ,teresa1 who remonstrated with the ,princess1 and showed her how much she was in the wrong1 whereupon she replied that the monastery was hers2 but the ,saint proved to her that the nuns were not1 and had them removed to ,segovia4 #ag ,the nuns were withdrawn from ,pastrana in ,april1 #aegd1 and then the anger of the ,princess prevailed2 she sent the ,life of the ,saint1 which she had still in her possession1 to the ,inquisition1 and denounced it as a book containing visions1 revelations1 and dangerous doctrines1 which the ,inquisitors should look into and examine3 ,the book was forthwith given to theologians for examination1 and two ,dominican friars1 of whom ,baes was one1 were delegated censors of it by the ,inquisition4 #ah ,fra ,baes did not know the ,saint when he undertook her defence in ,avila against the authorities of the city1 eager to destroy the monastery of ,st4 ,joseph2 #ai but from that time forth he was one of her most faithful friends1 strict and even severe1 as became a wise director who had a great ,saint for his penitent4 ,he testifies in the process of her beatification that he was firm and sharp with her2 while she herself was the more desirous of his counsel1 the more he humbled her1 and the less he appeared to esteem her4 #bj ,when he found that copies of her life were in the hands of secular people1--he had probably also heard of the misconduct of the ,princess of ,eboli1--he showed his displeasure to the ,saint1 and told her he would burn the book1 it being unseemly that the writings of women should be made public4 ,the ,saint left it in his hands1 but ,fra ,baes1 struck with her humility1 had not the courage to burn it2 he sent it to the ,holy ,office in ,madrid4 #ba ,thus the book was in a sense denounced twice1--once by an enemy1 the second time by a friend1 to save it4 ,both the ,saint and her confessor1 ,fra ,baes1 state that the copy given up by the latter was sent to the ,inquisition in ,madrid1 and ,fra ,baes says so twice in his deposition4 ,the ,inquisitor ,soto returned the copy to ,fra ,baes1 desiring him to read it1 and give his opinion thereon4 ,fra ,baes did so1 and wrote his censure of the book on the blank leaves at the end4 ,that censure still remains1 and is one of the most important1 because given during the lifetime of the ,saint1 and while many persons were crying out against her4 ,baes wished it had been published when the ,saint's ,life was given to the world by ,fra ,luis de ,leon2 but notwithstanding its value1 and its being preserved in the book which is in the handwriting of the ,saint1 no one before ,don ,vicente made it known4 ,it was easy enough to praise the writings of ,st4 ,teresa1 and to admit her sanctity1 after her death4 ,fra ,baes had no external help in the applause of the many1 and he had to judge the book as a theologian1 and the ,saint as one of his ordinary penitents4 ,when he wrote1 he wrote like a man whose whole life was spent1 as he tells us himself1 in lecturing and disputing4 #bb ,that censure is as follows3 #a4 ,this book1 wherein ,teresa of ,jesus1 ,carmelite nun1 and foundress of the ,barefooted ,carmelites1 gives a plain account of the state of her soul1 in order to be taught and directed by her confessors1 has been examined by me1 and with much attention1 and ,i have not found anywhere in it anything which1 in my opinion1 is erroneous in doctrine4 ,on the contrary1 there are many things in it highly edifying and instructive for those who give themselves to prayer4 ,the great experience of this religious1 her discretion also and her humility1 which made her always seek for light and learning in her confessors1 enabled her to speak with an accuracy on the subject of prayer that the most learned men1 through their want of experience1 have not always attained to4 ,one thing only there is about the book that may reasonably cause any hesitation till it shall be very carefully examined2 it contains many visions and revelations1 matters always to be afraid of1 especially in women1 who are very ready to believe of them that they come from ,god1 and to look on them as proofs of sanctity1 though sanctity does not lie in them4 ,on the contrary1 they should be regarded as dangerous trials for those who are aiming at perfection1 because ,satan is wont to transform himself into an angel of light1 #bc and to deceive souls which are curious and of scant humility1 as we have seen in our day3 nevertheless1 we must not therefore lay down a general rule that all revelations and visions come from the devil4 ,if it were so1 ,st4 ,paul could not have said that ,satan transforms himself into an angel of light1 if the angel of light did not sometimes enlighten us4 #b4 ,saints1 both men and women1 have had revelations1 not only in ancient1 but also in modern times2 such were ,st4 ,dominic1 ,st4 ,francis1 ,st4 ,vincent ,ferrer1 ,st4 ,catherine of ,siena1 ,st4 ,gertrude1 and many others that might be named2 and as the ,church of ,god is1 and is to be1 always holy to the end1 not only because her profession is holiness1 but because there are in her just persons and perfect in holiness1 it is unreasonable to despise visions and revelations1 and condemn them in one sweep1 seeing they are ordinarily accompanied with much goodness and a ,christian life4 ,on the contrary1 we should follow the saying of the ,apostle in #a ,thess4 v4 #ai-bb3 ',spiritum nolite extinguere4 ,prophetias nolite spernere4 ,omnia autem probate3 quod bonum est tenete4 ,ab omni specie mala abstinete vos4' ,he who will read ,st4 ,thomas on that passage will see how carefully they are to be examined who1 in the ,church of ,god1 manifest any particular gift that may be profitable or hurtful to our neighbour1 and how watchful the examiners ought to be lest the fire of the ,spirit of ,god should be quenched in the good1 and others cowed in the practices of the perfect ,christian life4 #c4 ,judging by the revelations made to her1 this woman1 even though she may be deceived in something1 is at least not herself a deceiver1 because she tells all the good and the bad so simply1 and with so great a wish to be correct1 that no doubt can be made as to her good intention2 and the greater the reason for trying spirits of this kind1 because there are persons in our day who are deceivers with the appearance of piety1 the more necessary it is to defend those who1 with the appearance1 have also the reality1 of piety4 ,for it is a strange thing to see how lax and worldly people delight in seeing those discredited who have an appearance of goodness4 ,god complained of old1 by the ,prophet ,ezekiel1 ch4 xiii41 of those false prophets who made the just to mourn and who flattered sinners1 saying3 ',maerere fecisti cor justi mendaciter1 quem ,ego non contristavi3 et comfortastis manus impii4' ,in a certain sense this may be said of those who frighten souls who are going on by the way of prayer and perfection1 telling them that this way is singular and full of danger1 that many who went by it have fallen into delusions1 and that the safest way is that which is plain and common1 travelled by all4 #d4 ,words of this kind1 clearly1 sadden the hearts of those who would observe the counsels of perfection in continual prayer1 so far as it is possible for them1 and in much fasting1 watching1 and disciplines2 and1 on the other hand1 the lax and the wicked take courage and lose the fear of ,god1 because they consider the way on which they are travelling as the safer3 and this is their delusion1--they call that a plain and safe road which is the absence of the knowledge and consideration of the dangers and precipices amidst which we are all of us journeying in this world4 ,nevertheless1 there is no other security than that which lies in our knowing our daily enemies1 and in humbly imploring the compassion of ,god1 if we would not be their prisoners4 ,besides1 there are souls whom ,god1 in a way1 constrains to enter on the way of perfection1 and who1 if they relaxed in their fervour1 could not keep a middle course1 but would immediately fall into the other extreme of sins1 and for souls of this kind it is of the utmost necessity that they should watch and pray without ceasing2 and1 in short1 there is nobody whom lukewarmness does not injure4 ,let every man examine his own conscience1 and he will find this to be the truth4 #e4 ,i firmly believe that if ,god for a time bears with the lukewarm1 it is owing to the prayers of the fervent1 who are continually crying1 'et ne nos inducas in tentationem4' ,i have said this1 not for the purpose of honouring those whom we see walking in the way of contemplation2 for it is another extreme into which the world falls1 and a covert persecution of goodness1 to pronounce those holy forthwith who have the appearance of it4 ,for that would be to furnish them with motives for vain-glory1 and would do little honour to goodness2 on the contrary1 it would expose it to great risks1 because1 when they fall who have been objects of praise1 the honour of goodness suffers more than if those people had not been so esteemed4 ,and so ,i look upon this exaggeration of their holiness who are still living in the world to be a temptation of ,satan4 ,that we should have a good opinion of the servants of ,god is most just1 but let us consider them always as people in danger1 however good they may be1 and that their goodness is not so evident that we can be sure of it even now4 #f4 ,considering myself that what ,i have said is true1 ,i have always proceeded cautiously in the examination of this account of the prayer and life of this nun1 and no one has been more incredulous than myself as to her visions and revelations1--not so1 however as to her goodness and her good desires1 for herein ,i have had great experience of her truthfulness1 her obedience1 mortification1 patience1 and charity towards her persecutors1 and of her other virtues1 which any one who will converse with her will discern2 and this is what may be regarded as a more certain proof of her real love of ,god than these visions and revelations4 ,i do not1 however1 undervalue her visions1 revelations1 and ecstasies2 on the contrary1 ,i suspect them to be the work of ,god1 as they have been in others who were ,saints4 ,but in this case it is always safer to be afraid and wary2 for if she is confident about them1 ,satan will take occasion to interfere1 and that which was once1 perhaps1 the work of ,god1 may be changed into something else1 and that will be the devil's4 #g4 ,i am of opinion that this book is not to be shown to every one1 but only to men of learning1 experience1 and ,christian discretion4 ,it perfectly answers the purpose for which it was written1 namely1 that the nun should give an account of the state of her soul to those who had the charge of it1 in order that she might not fall into delusions4 ,of one thing ,i am very sure1 so far as it is possible for a man to be1--she is not a deceiver2 she deserves1 therefore1 for her sincerity1 that all should be favourable to her in her good purposes and good works4 ,for within the last thirteen years she has1 ,i believe1 founded a dozen monasteries of ,barefooted ,carmelite nuns1 the austerity and perfection of which are exceeded by none other2 of which they who have been visitors of them1 as the ,dominican ,provincial1 master in theology1 #bd ,fra ,pedro ,fernandez1 the master ,fra ,hernando del ,castillo1 and many others1 speak highly4 ,this is what ,i think1 at present1 concerning the censure of this book1 submitting my judgment herein to that of ,holy ,church our mother1 and her ministers4 ,given in the ,college of ,st4 ,gregory1 ,valladolid1 on the sixth day of ,july1 #aege4 ,fra ,domingo ,baes4 ,the book remained in the keeping of the ,inquisition1 and the ,saint never saw it again4 ,but she heard of it from the ,archbishop of ,toledo1 ,cardinal ,quiroga1 ,president of the ,supreme ,court of the ,inquisition1 when she applied to him for license to found a monastery in ,madrid4 ,jerome of the ,mother of ,god was with her2 and heard the ,cardinal's reply4 ,his ,eminence said he was glad to see her2 that a book of hers had been in the ,holy ,office for some years1 and had been rigorously examined2 that he had read it himself1 and regarded it as containing sound and wholesome doctrine4 ,he would grant the license1 and do whatever he could for the ,saint4 ,when she heard this1 she wished to present a petition to the ,inquisition for the restitution of her book2 but ,gratian thought it better to apply to the ,duke of ,alba for the copy which he had1 and which the ,inquisitors had allowed him to retain and read4 ,the ,duke gave his book to ,fra ,jerome1 who had copies of it made for the use of the monasteries both of men and women4 #be ,anne of ,jesus1 in #aehf1 founding a monastery of her ,order in ,madrid1--the ,saint had died in #aehb1--made inquiries about the book1 and applied to the ,inquisition for it1 for she was resolved to publish the writings of her spiritual mother4 ,the ,inquisitors made no difficulty1 and consented to the publication4 ,in this she was seconded by the ,empress ,maria1 daughter of ,charles ,v41 and widow of ,maximilian ,,ii41 who had obtained one of the copies which ,fra ,jerome of the ,mother of ,god had ordered to be made4 ,fra ,nicholas ,doria1 then ,provincial1 asked ,fra ,luis de ,leon1 the ,augustinian1 to edit the book1 who consented4 ,he was allowed to compare the copy furnished him with the original in the keeping of the ,inquisition2 but his edition has not been considered accurate1 notwithstanding the facilities given him1 and his great reverence for the ,saint4 ,it was published in ,salamanca1 ,a4,d4 #aehh4 ,with the ,life of the ,saint1 ,fra ,luis de ,leon received certain papers in the handwriting of the ,saint1 which he published as an additional chapter4 ,whether he printed all he received1 or merely made extracts1 may be doubtful1 but anyhow that chapter is singularly incomplete4 ,don ,vicente de la ,fuente1 from whose edition 7,madrid1 #ahfa1 #ahfb7 this translation has been made1 omitted the additional chapter of ,fra ,luis de ,leon1 contrary to the practice of his predecessors4 ,but he has done more1 for he has traced the paragraphs of that chapter to their sources1 and has given us now a collection of papers which form almost another ,life of the ,saint1 to which he has given their old name of ,relations1 #bf the name which the ,saint herself had given them4 #bg ,some of them are usually printed among the ,saint's letters1 and portions of some of the others are found in the ,lives of the ,saint written by ,ribera and ,yepes1 and in the ,chronicle of the ,order2 the rest was published for the first time by ,don ,vicente3 the arrangement of the whole is due to him4 ,the ,relations are ten in the ,spanish edition1 and eleven in the translation4 ,the last1 the eleventh1 has hitherto been left among the letters1 and ,don ,vicente1 seemingly not without some hesitation1 so left it2 but as it is of the like nature with the ,relations1 it has now been added to them4 ,the original text1 in the handwriting of the ,saint1 is preserved in the ,escurial1 not in the library1 but among the relics of the ,church4 ,don ,vicente examined it at his leisure1 and afterwards found in the ,national ,library in ,madrid an authentic and exact transcript of it1 made by order of ,ferdinand ,,vi4 ,his edition is1 therefore1 far better than any of its predecessors2 but it is possible that even now there may still remain some verbal errors for future editors to correct4 ,the most conscientious diligence is not a safeguard against mistakes4 ,f4 ,bouix says that in ch4 xxxiv4 #ab1 the reading of the original differs from that of the printed editions2 yet ,don ,vicente takes no notice of it1 and retains the common reading4 ,it is impossible to believe that ,f4 ,bouix has stated as a fact that which is not4 ,again1 in ch4 xxxix4 #bi1 the printed editions have after the words1 ,thou art ,mine1 and ,i am thine1 ,i am in the habit 4 4 4 4 sincerity2 but ,don ,vicente omits them4 ,this may have been an oversight1 for in general he points out in his notes all the discrepancies between the printed editions and the original text4 ,a new translation of the ,life of ,st4 ,teresa seems called for now1 because the original text has been collated since the previous translations were made1 and also because those translations are exceedingly scarce4 ,the first is believed to be this--it is a small quarto3 ,the ,lyf of the ,mother ,teresa of ,jesus1 ,foundresse of the ,monasteries of the ,discalced or ,bare-footed ,carmelite ,nunnes and ,fryers of the ,first ,rule4 ,written by herself at the commaundement of her ghostly father1 and now translated into ,english out of ,spanish4 ,by ,w4,m41 of the ,society of ,jesus4 ,imprinted in ,antwerp by ,henry ,jaye4 ,anno ,,mdcxi4 ,some thirty years afterwards1 ,sir ,tobias ,matthew1 ,s4,j41 dissatisfied1 as he says1 with the former translation1 published another1 with the following title2 the volume is a small octavo in form3 ,the ,flaming ,hart1 or the ,life of the glorious ,st4 ,teresa1 ,foundresse of the ,reformation of the ,order of the ,all-,immaculate ,virgin ,mother1 our ,b4 ,lady of ,mount ,carmel4 ,this ,history of her ,life was written by the ,saint in ,spanish1 and is newly translated into ,english in the year of our ,lord ,god #afdb4 ',aut mori aut pati3 ,either to dye or else to suffer4'--,chap4 xl4 ,antwerpe1 printed by ,joannes ,meursius4 ,anno ,,mdcxlii4 ,the next translation was made by ,abraham ,woodhead1 and published in #afga1 without the name of the translator1 or of the printer1 or of the place of publication4 ,it is in quarto1 and bears the following title3 ,the ,life of the ,holy ,mother ,st4 ,teresa1 ,foundress of the ,reformation of the ,discalced ,carmelites according to the ,primitive ,rule4 ,printed in the year ,,mdclxxi4 ,it is not said that the translation was made from the ,spanish1 and there are grounds for thinking it to have been made from the ,italian4 ,ch4 xxxii4 is broken off at the end of #aj2 and ch4 xxxiii41 therefore1 is ch4 xxxvii4 ,that which is there omitted has been thrown into the ,book of the ,foundations1 which1 in the translation of ,mr4 ,woodhead1 begins with #aa of ch4 xxxii4 of the ,life1 as it also does in the ,italian translation4 ,it is due1 however1 to ,mr4 ,woodhead to say that he has printed five of the ,relations separately1 not as letters1 but as what they really are1 and with that designation4 ,the last translation is that of the ,very ,reverend ,john ,dalton1 ,canon of ,northampton1 which is now1 though twice published1 almost as scarce as its predecessors4 ,the title is3 ,the ,life of ,st4 ,teresa1 written by herself1 and translated from the ,spanish by the ,rev4 ,john ,dalton4 ,london1 ,,mdcccli4 ,septuagesima1 #ahgj4 #a4 ,fr4 ,anton4 a ,st4 ,joseph1 in his note on letter #af1 but letter #da1 vol4 iv4 ed4 ,doblado4 #b4 ,reforma de los ,descalos4 lib4 i4 ch4 vii4 #c4 #c4 ,ch4 iii4 #b4 #d4 ,ch4 iii4 #i4 #e4 ,ch4 i4 #c4 #f4 ,ch4 xxiii4 #b4 #g4 ,ch4 xxiii4 #h4 #h4 ,id4 #ab4 #i4 ,ch4 xxiv4 #a4 #aj4 ,id4 #d4 #aa4 ,ch4 xxix4 #d4 #ab4 ,ch4 xxxiii4 #f4 #ac4 ,the ,saint held him in great reverence1 and in one of her letters--lett4 #cee1 but lett4 #ajj1 vol4 ii4 ed4 ,doblado--calls him a founder of her ,order1 because of the great services he had rendered her1 and told her nuns of ,seville that they need not be veiled in his presence1 though they must be so in the presence of everybody else1 and even the friars of the ,reform4 #ad4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxix4 #f4 #ae4 ,rel4 vii4 #i4 #af4 ,reforma de los ,descalos1 lib4 ii4 c4 xxviii4 #f4 #ag4 ,introduccion al libro de la ,vida1 vol4 i4 p4 #c4 #ah4 ,jerome ,gratian1 ,lucidario1 c4 iv4 #ai4 ,life1 ch4 xxxvi4 #ae4 #bj4 ,the ,saint says of herself1 ,rel4 vii4 #ah1 that she took the greatest pains not to submit the state of her soul to any one who she thought would believe that these things came from ,god1 for she was instantly afraid that the devil would deceive them both4 #ba4 ,rel4 vii4 #af4 #bb4 ,como hombre criado toda mi vida en leer y disputar 7,de la ,fuente1 ii4 p4 #cgf74 #bc4 #b ,cor4 xi4 #ad3 ,ipse enim ,satanas transfigurat se in angelum lucis4 #bd4 ,the other theologian appointed by the ,inquisition1 with ,fra ,baes1 to examine the ,life4 #be4 ,this took place in the year #aehj1 according to the ,chronicler of the ,order 7,reforma de los ,descalos1 lib4 v4 c4 xxxv4 #d72 and the ,bollandists 7n4 #aecf7 accept his statement4 ,fra ,jerome says he was ,provincial of his ,order at the time2 and as he was elected only on the #dth of ,march1 #aeha1 according to the ,chronicler and the ,bollandists1 it is more likely that the audience granted to them by the ,cardinal took place in #aeha4 #bf4 ,reforma de los ,descalos1 lib4 v4 c4 xxxiv4 #d3 ,relaciones de su espiritu4 #bg4 ,rel4 ii4 #ah4 ,annals of the ,saint's ,life4 ,by ,don ,vicente de la ,fuente4 ,these are substantially the same with those drawn up by the ,bollandists1 but they are fuller and more minute1 and furnish a more detailed history of the ,saint4 #aeae4 ,st4 ,teresa is born in ,avila1 ,march #bhth4 #a #aebb4 ,she desires martyrdom1 and leaves her father's house with one of her brothers4 #aebg4 #b ,death of her mother4 #aebi4 ,writes romances of chivalry1 and is misled by a thoughtless cousin4 #aeca4 ,her sister ,maria's marriage1 and her removal from home to the ,augustinian monastery1 where she remains till the autumn of next year4 #aecc4 #c ,nov4 #b1 enters the monastery of the ,incarnation4 #aecd4 ,nov4 #c1 makes her profession4 #aece4 ,goes to ,castellanos de la ,caada1 to her sister's house1 where she remains till the spring of #aecf1 when she goes to ,bezadas4 #aecg4 ,returns to ,avila on ,palm ,sunday4 ,in ,july seriously ill1 and in a trance for four days1 when in her father's house4 ,paralysed for more than two years4 #aeci4 ,is cured of her paralysis by ,st4 ,joseph4 #aeda4 ,begins to grow lukewarm1 and gives up mental prayer4 #aedb4 ,our ,lord appears to her in the parlour of the monastery1 stern and grave ch4 vii4 #aa1 see note there4 #aeee4 ,ceases to converse with secular people1 moved thereto by the sight of a picture of our ,lord on the cross ch4 ix4 #a4 ,the ,jesuits come to ,avila and the ,saint confesses to ,f4 ,juan de ,padranos4 #aeef4 ,beginning of the supernatural visitations4 #aeeg4 ,st4 ,francis de ,borja comes to ,avila1 and approves of the spirit of the ,saint4 #aeeh4 ,first rapture of the ,saint ch4 xxiv4 #g4 ,the vision of ,hell ch4 xxxii4 #a4 ,father ,alvarez ordained priest4 #aeei4 ,she takes ,f4 ,alvarez for her confessor4 ,the transpiercing of her heart ch4 xxix4 #ag4 ,vision of our ,lord risen from the dead ch4 xxvii4 #c1 ch4 xxviii4 #b4 #aefj4 ,the vow of greater perfection4 ,st4 ,peter of ,alcantara approves of her spirit1 and ,st4 ,luis ,beltran encourages her to proceed with her plan of founding a new monastery4 #aefa4 ,f4 ,gaspar de ,salazar1 ,s4,j41 comes to ,avila2 her sister ,doa ,juana comes to ,avila from ,alba de ,tormes to help the ,saint in the new foundation ch4 xxxiii4 #ac4 ,restores her nephew to ,life ch4 xxxv4 #ad1 note4 ,fra ,ibaez bids her write her ,life4 ,receives a sum of money from her brother in ,peru1 which enables her to go on with the building of the new house4 #aefb4 ,goes to ,toledo1 to the house of ,doa ,luisa de la ,cerda1 and finishes the account of her ,life4 ,makes the acquaintance of ,fra ,baes1 afterwards her principal director1 and ,fra ,garcia of ,toledo1 both ,dominicans4 ,receives a visit from ,maria of ,jesus4 ,has a revelation that her sister1 ,doa ,maria1 will die suddenly ch4 xxxiv4 #bd4 ,returns to ,avila and takes possession of the new monastery1 ,august #bd4 ,troubles in ,avila4 ,the ,saint ordered back to the monastery of the ,incarnation4 ,is commanded by ,fra ,garcia of ,toledo to write the history of the foundation of ,st4 ,joseph4 #a4 ,in the same year ,st4 ,philip was born in ,florence4 ,st4 ,teresa died in #aehb1 and ,st4 ,philip in #aeie2 but they were canonised on the same day1 with ,st4 ,isidore1 ,st4 ,ignatius1 and ,st4 ,francis ,xavier4 ,the three latter were joined together in the three final consistories held before the solemn proclamation of their sanctity1 and ,st4 ,teresa and ,st4 ,philip were joined together in the same way in the final consistories held specially1 as usual1 for them4 #b4 ,this must be an error4 ,see ch4 i4 #g1 note #g4 #c4 ,there is a difficulty about this4 ,the ,bollandists maintain that she went to the monastery of the ,incarnation in the year #aecc4 ,on the other hand ,ribera1 her most accurate biographer--with whom ,fra ,jerome agrees1--says that she left her father's house in #aece1 when she was more than twenty years of age2 ,yepes1 that she was not yet twenty2 and the ,second ,relation of the ,rota1 that she was in her twentieth year4 ,the ,bull of ,canonisation and the ,office in the ,breviary also say that she was in her twentieth year1 that is1 ,a4,d4 #aecd4 ,the ,chronicler of the ,order differs from all and assigns the year #aecf as the year in which she entered the monastery4 ,the ,life of the ,holy ,mother ,teresa of ,jesus4 ,written by ,herself4 ,prologue4 ,as ,i have been commanded and left at liberty to describe at length my way of prayer1 and the workings of the grace of our ,lord within me1 ,i could wish that ,i had been allowed at the same time to speak distinctly and in detail of my grievous sins and wicked life4 ,but it has not been so willed2 on the contrary1 ,i am laid herein under great restraint2 and therefore1 for the love of our ,lord1 ,i beg of every one who shall read this story of my life #a to keep in mind how wicked it has been2 and how1 among the ,saints who were converted to ,god1 ,i have never found one in whom ,i can have any comfort4 ,for ,i see that they1 after our ,lord had called them1 never fell into sin again2 ,i not only became worse1 but1 as it seems to me1 deliberately withstood the graces of ,his ,majesty1 because ,i saw that ,i was thereby bound to serve ,him more earnestly1 knowing1 at the same time1 that of myself ,i could not pay the least portion of my debt4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever ,who waited for me so long6 ,i implore ,him with my whole heart to send me ,his grace1 so that in all clearness and truth ,i may give this account of myself which my confessors command me to give2 and even our ,lord ,himself1 ,i know it1 has also willed it should be given for some time past1 but ,i had not the courage to attempt it4 ,and ,i pray it may be to ,his praise and glory1 and a help to my confessors2 who1 knowing me better1 may succour my weakness1 so that ,i may render to our ,lord some portion of the service ,i owe ,him4 ,may all creatures praise ,him for ever6 ,amen4 #a4 ,the ,saint1 in a letter written ,november #ai1 #aeha1 to ,don ,pedro de ,castro1 then canon of ,avila1 speaking of this book1 calls it the book ,of the compassions of ,god--,y ansi intitule ese libro ,de las ,misericordias de ,dios4 ,that letter is the #cehth in the edition of ,don ,vicente de la ,fuente1 and the #hth of the fourth volume of the ,doblado edition of ,madrid4 ,vitam igitur suam internam et supernaturalem magis pandit quam narrat actiones suas mere humanas 7,bollandists1 n4 #b74 ,chapter ,i4 ,childhood and ,early ,impressions4 ,the ,blessing of ,pious ,parents4 ,desire of ,martyrdom4 ,death of the ,saint's ,mother4 #a4 ,i had a father and mother1 who were devout and feared ,god4 ,our ,lord also helped me with ,his grace4 ,all this would have been enough to make me good1 if ,i had not been so wicked4 ,my father was very much given to the reading of good books2 and so he had them in ,spanish1 that his children might read them4 ,these books1 with my mother's carefulness to make us say our prayers1 and to bring us up devout to our ,lady and to certain ,saints1 began to make me think seriously when ,i was1 ,i believe1 six or seven years old4 ,it helped me1 too1 that ,i never saw my father and mother respect anything but goodness4 ,they were very good themselves4 ,my father was a man of great charity towards the poor1 and compassion for the sick1 and also for servants2 so much so1 that he never could be persuaded to keep slaves1 for he pitied them so much3 and a slave belonging to one of his brothers being once in his house1 was treated by him with as much tenderness as his own children4 ,he used to say that he could not endure the pain of seeing that she was not free4 ,he was a man of great truthfulness2 nobody ever heard him swear or speak ill of any one2 his life was most pure4 #b4 ,my mother also was a woman of great goodness1 and her life was spent in great infirmities4 ,she was singularly pure in all her ways4 ,though possessing great beauty1 yet was it never known that she gave reason to suspect that she made any account whatever of it2 for1 though she was only three-and-thirty years of age when she died1 her apparel was already that of a woman advanced in years4 ,she was very calm1 and had great sense4 ,the sufferings she went through during her life were grievous1 her death most ,christian4 #a #c4 ,we were three sisters and nine brothers4 #b ,all1 by the mercy of ,god1 resembled their parents in goodness except myself1 though ,i was the most cherished of my father4 ,and1 before ,i began to offend ,god1 ,i think he had some reason1--for ,i am filled with sorrow whenever ,i think of the good desires with which our ,lord inspired me1 and what a wretched use ,i made of them4 ,besides1 my brothers never in any way hindered me in the service of ,god4 #d4 ,one of my brothers was nearly of my own age2 #c and he it was whom ,i most loved1 though ,i was very fond of them all1 and they of me4 ,he and ,i used to read ,lives of ,saints together4 ,when ,i read of martyrdom undergone by the ,saints for the love of ,god1 it struck me that the vision of ,god was very cheaply purchased2 and ,i had a great desire to die a martyr's death1--not out of any love of ,him of which ,i was conscious1 but that ,i might most quickly attain to the fruition of those great joys of which ,i read that they were reserved in ,heaven2 and ,i used to discuss with my brother how we could become martyrs4 ,we settled to go together to the country of the ,moors1 #d begging our way for the love of ,god1 that we might be there beheaded2 #e and our ,lord1 ,i believe1 had given us courage enough1 even at so tender an age1 if we could have found the means to proceed2 but our greatest difficulty seemed to be our father and mother4 #e4 ,it astonished us greatly to find it said in what we were reading that pain and bliss were everlasting4 ,we happened very often to talk about this2 and we had a pleasure in repeating frequently1 ,for ever1 ever1 ever4 ,through the constant uttering of these words1 our ,lord was pleased that ,i should receive an abiding impression of the way of truth when ,i was yet a child4 #f4 ,as soon as ,i saw it was impossible to go to any place where people would put me to death for the sake of ,god1 my brother and ,i set about becoming hermits2 and in an orchard belonging to the house we contrived1 as well as we could1 to build hermitages1 by piling up small stones one on the other1 which fell down immediately2 and so it came to pass that we found no means of accomplishing our wish4 ,even now1 ,i have a feeling of devotion when ,i consider how ,god gave me in my early youth what ,i lost by my own fault4 ,i gave alms as ,i could--and ,i could but little4 ,i contrived to be alone1 for the sake of saying my prayers #f--;and they were many--especially the ,rosary1 to which my mother had a great devotion1 and had made us also in this like herself4 ,i used to delight exceedingly1 when playing with other children1 in the building of monasteries1 as if we were nuns2 and ,i think ,i wished to be a nun1 though not so much as ,i did to be a martyr or a hermit4 #g4 ,i remember that1 when my mother died1 #g ,i was about twelve years old--a little less4 ,when ,i began to understand my loss1 ,i went in my affliction to an image of our ,lady1 #h and with many tears implored her to be my mother4 ,i did this in my simplicity1 and ,i believe that it was of service to me2 for ,i have by experience found the royal ,virgin help me whenever ,i recommended myself to her2 and at last she has brought me back to herself4 ,it distresses me now1 when ,i think of1 and reflect on1 that which kept me from being earnest in the good desires with which ,i began4 #h4 ,o my ,lord1 since ,thou art determined to save me--may it be the pleasure of ,thy ,majesty to effect it6--and to bestow upon me so many graces1 why has it not been ,thy pleasure also--not for my advantage1 but for ,thy greater honour--that this habitation1 wherein ,thou hast continually to dwell1 should not have contracted so much defilement8 ,it distresses me even to say this1 ,o my ,lord1 because ,i know the fault is all my own1 seeing that ,thou hast left nothing undone to make me1 even from my youth1 wholly ,thine4 ,when ,i would complain of my parents1 ,i cannot do it2 for ,i saw nothing in them but all good1 and carefulness for my welfare4 ,then1 growing up1 ,i began to discover the natural gifts which our ,lord had given me--they were said to be many2 and1 when ,i should have given ,him thanks for them1 ,i made use of every one of them1 as ,i shall now explain1 to offend ,him4 #a4 ,see ch4 xxxvii4 #a2 where the ,saint says that she saw them in a vision both in ,heaven4 #b4 ,alfonso ,sanchez de ,cepeda1 father of the ,saint1 married first ,catalina del ,peso y ,henao1 and had three children--one daughter1 ,maria de ,cepeda1 and two sons4 ,after the death of ,catalina1 he married ,beatriz ,davila y ,ahumada1 by whom he had nine children--seven boys and two girls4 ,the third of these1 and the eldest of the daughters1 was the ,saint1 ,doa ,teresa ,sanchez ,cepeda ,davila y ,ahumada4 ,in the ,monastery of the ,incarnation1 where she was a professed nun for twenty-eight years1 she was known as ,doa ,teresa2 but in the year #aefc1 when she left her monastery for the new foundation of ,st4 ,joseph1 of the ,reform of the ,carmelites1 she took for the first time the name of ,teresa of ,jesus 7,de la ,fuente74 ,the ,saint was born ,march #bh1 #aeae1 and baptized on the #dth of ,april1 in the church of ,st4 ,john2 on which day ,mass was said for the first time in the ,monastery of the ,incarnation1 where the ,saint made her profession4 ,her godfather was ,vela ,nuez1 and her godmother ,doa ,maria del ,aguila4 ,the ,bollandists and ,father ,bouix say that she was baptized on the very day of her birth4 ,but the testimony of ,doa ,maria de ,pinel1 a nun in the ,monastery of the ,incarnation1 is clear3 and ,don ,vicente de ,la ,fuente1 quoting it1 vol4 i4 p4 #edi1 says that this delay of baptism was nothing singular in those days1 provided there was no danger of death4 #c4 ,rodrigo de ,cepeda1 four years older than the ,saint1 entered the army1 and1 serving in ,south ,america1 was drowned in the river ,plate1 ,rio de la ,plata4 ,st4 ,teresa always considered him a martyr1 because he died in defence of the ,catholic faith 7,ribera1 lib4 i4 ch4 iii474 ,before he sailed for the ,indies1 he made his will1 and left all his property to the ,saint1 his sister 7,reforma de los ,descalos1 vol4 i4 lib4 i4 ch4 iii4 #d74 #d4 ,the ,bollandists incline to believe that ,st4 ,teresa may not have intended to quit ,spain1 because all the ,moors were not at that time driven out of the country4 ,the ,bull of the ,saint's canonization1 and the ,lections of the ,breviary1 say that she left her father's house1 ut in ,africam trajiceret4 #e4 ,the two children set out on their strange journey--one of them seven1 the other eleven1 years old--through the ,adaja ,gate2 but when they had crossed the bridge1 they were met by one of their uncles1 who brought them back to their mother1 who had already sent through ,avila in quest of them4 ,rodrigo1 like ,adam1 excused himself1 and laid the blame on the woman 7,ribera1 lib4 i4 ch4 iii474 ,francisco de ,santa ,maria1 chronicler of the ,order1 says that the uncle was ,francisco ,alvarez de ,cepeda 7,reforma de los ,descalos1 lib4 i4 ch4 v4 #d74 #f4 ,she was also marvellously touched by the story of the ,samaritan woman at the well1 of whom there was a picture in her room 7,ribera1 lib4 i4 ch4 iv474 ,she speaks of this later on4 7,see ch4 xxx4 #bd47 #g4 ,the last will and testament of ,doa ,beatriz de ,ahumada was made ,november #bd1 #aebh and she may have died soon after4 ,if there be no mistake in the copy of that instrument1 the ,saint must have been more than twelve years old at that time4 ,don ,vicente1 in a note1 says1 with the ,bollandists1 that ,doa ,beatriz died at the end of the year #aebf1 or in the beginning of #aebg2 but it is probable that1 when he wrote that note1 he had not read the copy of the will1 which he has printed in the first volume of the ,saint's writings1 p4 #eej4 #h4 ,our ,lady of ,charity1 in the church of the hospital where the poor and pilgrims were received in ,avila 7,bouix74 ,chapter ,,ii4 ,early ,impressions4 ,dangerous ,books and ,companions4 ,the ,saint ,is ,placed in a ,monastery4 #a4 ,what ,i shall now speak of was1 ,i believe1 the beginning of great harm to me4 ,i often think how wrong it is of parents not to be very careful that their children should always1 and in every way1 see only that which is good2 for though my mother was1 as ,i have just said1 so good herself1 nevertheless ,i1 when ,i came to the use of reason1 did not derive so much good from her as ,i ought to have done--almost none at all2 and the evil ,i learned did me much harm4 ,she was very fond of books of chivalry2 but this pastime did not hurt her so much as it hurt me1 because she never wasted her time on them2 only we1 her children1 were left at liberty to read them2 and perhaps she did this to distract her thoughts from her great sufferings1 and occupy her children1 that they might not go astray in other ways4 ,it annoyed my father so much1 that we had to be careful he never saw us4 ,i contracted a habit of reading these books2 and this little fault which ,i observed in my mother was the beginning of lukewarmness in my good desires1 and the occasion of my falling away in other respects4 ,i thought there was no harm in it when ,i wasted many hours night and day in so vain an occupation1 even when ,i kept it a secret from my father4 ,so completely was ,i mastered by this passion1 that ,i thought ,i could never be happy without a new book4 #b4 ,i began to make much of dress1 to wish to please others by my appearance4 ,i took pains with my hands and my hair1 used perfumes1 and all vanities within my reach--and they were many1 for ,i was very much given to them4 ,i had no evil intention1 because ,i never wished any one to offend ,god for me4 ,this fastidiousness of excessive neatness #a lasted some years2 and so also did other practices1 which ,i thought then were not at all sinful2 now1 ,i see how wrong all this must have been4 #c4 ,i had some cousins2 for into my father's house no others were allowed an entrance4 ,in this he was very cautious2 and would to ,god he had been cautious about them6--for ,i see now the danger of conversing1 at an age when virtue should begin to grow1 with persons who1 knowing nothing themselves of the vanity of the world1 provoke others to throw themselves into the midst of it4 ,these cousins were nearly of mine own age--a little older1 perhaps4 ,we were always together2 and they had a great affection for me4 ,in everything that gave them pleasure1 ,i kept the conversation alive1--listened to the stories of their affections and childish follies1 good for nothing2 and1 what was still worse1 my soul began to give itself up to that which was the cause of all its disorders4 ,if ,i were to give advice1 ,i would say to parents that they ought to be very careful whom they allow to mix with their children when young2 for much mischief thence ensues1 and our natural inclinations are unto evil rather than unto good4 #d4 ,so it was with me2 for ,i had a sister much older than myself1 #b from whose modesty and goodness1 which were great1 ,i learned nothing2 and learned every evil from a relative who was often in the house4 ,she was so light and frivolous1 that my mother took great pains to keep her out of the house1 as if she foresaw the evil ,i should learn from her2 but she could not succeed1 there being so many reasons for her coming4 ,i was very fond of this person's company1 gossiped and talked with her2 for she helped me in all the amusements ,i liked1 and1 what is more1 found some for me1 and communicated to me her own conversations and her vanities4 ,until ,i knew her1 ,i mean1 until she became friendly with me1 and communicated to me her own affairs--,i was then about fourteen years old1 a little more1 ,i think--,i do not believe that ,i turned away from ,god in mortal sin1 or lost the fear of ,him1 though ,i had a greater fear of disgrace4 ,this latter fear had such sway over me1 that ,i never wholly forfeited my good name--and1 as to that1 there was nothing in the world for which ,i would have bartered it1 and nobody in the world ,i liked well enough who could have persuaded me to do it4 ,thus ,i might have had the strength never to do anything against the honour of ,god1 as ,i had it by nature not to fail in that wherein ,i thought the honour of the world consisted2 and ,i never observed that ,i was failing in many other ways4 ,in vainly seeking after it ,i was extremely careful2 but in the use of the means necessary for preserving it ,i was utterly careless4 ,i was anxious only not to be lost altogether4 #e4 ,this friendship distressed my father and sister exceedingly4 ,they often blamed me for it2 but1 as they could not hinder that person from coming into the house1 all their efforts were in vain2 for ,i was very adroit in doing anything that was wrong4 ,now and then1 ,i am amazed at the evil one bad companion can do1--nor could ,i believe it if ,i did not know it by experience1--especially when we are young3 then is it that the evil must be greatest4 ,oh1 that parents would take warning by me1 and look carefully to this6 ,so it was2 the conversation of this person so changed me1 that no trace was left of my soul's natural disposition to virtue1 and ,i became a reflection of her and of another who was given to the same kind of amusements4 #f4 ,i know from this the great advantage of good companions2 and ,i am certain that if at that tender age ,i had been thrown among good people1 ,i should have persevered in virtue2 for if at that time ,i had found any one to teach me the fear of ,god1 my soul would have grown strong enough not to fall away4 ,afterwards1 when the fear of ,god had utterly departed from me1 the fear of dishonour alone remained1 and was a torment to me in all ,i did4 ,when ,i thought that nobody would ever know1 ,i ventured upon many things that were neither honourable nor pleasing unto ,god4 #g4 ,in the beginning1 these conversations did me harm--,i believe so4 ,the fault was perhaps not hers1 but mine2 for afterwards my own wickedness was enough to lead me astray1 together with the servants about me1 whom ,i found ready enough for all evil4 ,if any one of these had given me good advice1 ,i might perhaps have profited by it2 but they were blinded by interest1 as ,i was by passion4 ,still1 ,i was never inclined to much evil1--for ,i hated naturally anything dishonourable1--but only to the amusement of a pleasant conversation4 ,the occasion of sin1 however1 being present1 danger was at hand1 and ,i exposed to it my father and brothers4 ,god delivered me out of it all1 so that ,i should not be lost1 in a manner visibly against my will1 yet not so secretly as to allow me to escape without the loss of my good name and the suspicions of my father4 #h4 ,i had not spent1 ,i think1 three months in these vanities1 when they took me to a monastery #c in the city where ,i lived1 in which children like myself were brought up1 though their way of life was not so wicked as mine4 ,this was done with the utmost concealment of the true reason1 which was known only to myself and one of my kindred4 ,they waited for an opportunity which would make the change seem nothing out of the way2 for1 as my sister was married1 it was not fitting ,i should remain alone1 without a mother1 in the house4 #i4 ,so excessive was my father's love for me1 and so deep my dissembling1 that he never would believe me to be so wicked as ,i was2 and hence ,i was never in disgrace with him4 ,though some remarks were made1 yet1 as the time had been short1 nothing could be positively asserted2 and1 as ,i was so much afraid about my good name1 ,i had taken every care to be secret2 and yet ,i never considered that ,i could conceal nothing from ,him ,who seeth all things4 ,o my ,god1 what evil is done in the world by disregarding this1 and thinking that anything can be kept secret that is done against ,thee6 ,i am quite certain that great evils would be avoided if we clearly understood that what we have to do is1 not to be on our guard against men1 but on our guard against displeasing ,thee4 #aj4 ,for the first eight days1 ,i suffered much2 but more from the suspicion that my vanity was known1 than from being in the monastery2 for ,i was already weary of myself--and1 though ,i offended ,god1 ,i never ceased to have a great fear of ,him1 and contrived to go to confession as quickly as ,i could4 ,i was very uncomfortable2 but within eight days1 ,i think sooner1 ,i was much more contented than ,i had been in my father's house4 ,all the nuns were pleased with me2 for our ,lord had given me the grace to please every one1 wherever ,i might be4 ,i was therefore made much of in the monastery4 ,though at this time ,i hated to be a nun1 yet ,i was delighted at the sight of nuns so good2 for they were very good in that house--very prudent1 observant of the rule1 and recollected4 #aa4 ,yet1 for all this1 the devil did not cease to tempt me2 and people in the world sought means to trouble my rest with messages and presents4 ,as this could not be allowed1 it was soon over1 and my soul began to return to the good habits of my earlier years2 and ,i recognized the great mercy of ,god to those whom ,he places among good people4 ,it seems as if ,his ,majesty had sought and sought again how to convert me to ,himself4 ,blessed be ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 for having borne with me so long6 ,amen4 #ab4 ,were it not for my many faults1 there was some excuse for me1 ,i think1 in this3 that the conversation ,i shared in was with one who1 ,i thought1 would do well in the estate of matrimony2 #d and ,i was told by my confessors1 and others also1 whom in many points ,i consulted1 used to say1 that ,i was not offending ,god4 ,one of the nuns #e slept with us who were seculars1 and through her it pleased our ,lord to give me light1 as ,i shall now explain4 #a4 ,the ,saint throughout her life was extremely careful of cleanliness4 ,in one of her letters to ,father ,jerome ,gratian of the ,mother of ,god 7,no4 #cbc1 ,letter #bh1 vol4 iii4 ed4 ,doblado71 she begs him1 for the love of ,god1 to see that the ,fathers had clean cells and table2 and the ,ven4 ,mother ,anne of ,st4 ,bartholomew1 in her life 7,bruxelles1 #agjh1 p4 #dj71 says that she changed the ,saint's linen on the day of her death1 and was thanked by her for her carefulness4 ,her soul was so pure1 says the ,ven4 ,mother1 that she could not bear anything that was not clean4 #b4 ,maria de ,cepeda1 half-sister of the ,saint4 ,she was married to ,don ,martin de ,guzman y ,barrientos2 and the contract for the dowry was signed ,january #aa1 #aeca 7,reforma de los ,descalos lib4 i4 ch4 vii4 #d74 #c4 ,the ,augustinian ,monastery of ,our ,lady of ,grace4 ,it was founded in #aeji by the venerable ,fra ,juan of ,seville1 ,vicar-,general of the ,order 7,reforma de los ,descalos lib4 i4 ch4 vii4 n4 #b74 ,there were forty nuns in the house at this time 7,de la ,fuente74 #d4 ,some have said that the ,saint at this time intended1 or wished1 to be married2 and ,father ,bouix translates the passage thus3 une alliance honorable pour moi4 ,but it is more probable that the ,saint had listened only to the story of her cousin's intended marriage2 for in ch4 v4 #aa1 she says that our ,lord had always kept her from seeking to be loved of men4 #e4 ,doa ,maria ,brizeo1 mistress of the secular children who were educated in the monastery 7,reforma1 lib4 i4 ch4 vii4 #c74 ,chapter ,,iii4 ,the ,blessing of ,being with ,good ,people4 ,how ,certain ,illusions ,were ,removed4 #a4 ,i began gradually to like the good and holy conversation of this nun4 ,how well she used to speak of ,god6 for she was a person of great discretion and sanctity4 ,i listened to her with delight4 ,i think there never was a time when ,i was not glad to listen to her4 ,she began by telling me how she came to be a nun through the mere reading of the words of the ,gospel ,many are called1 and few are chosen4 #a ,she would speak of the reward which our ,lord gives to those who forsake all things for ,his sake4 ,this good companionship began to root out the habits which bad companionship had formed1 and to bring my thoughts back to the desire of eternal things1 as well as to banish in some measure the great dislike ,i had to be a nun1 which had been very great2 and if ,i saw any one weep in prayer1 or devout in any other way1 ,i envied her very much2 for my heart was now so hard1 that ,i could not shed a tear1 even if ,i read the ,passion through4 ,this was a grief to me4 #b4 ,i remained in the monastery a year and a half1 and was very much the better for it4 ,i began to say many vocal prayers1 and to ask all the nuns to pray for me1 that ,god would place me in that state wherein ,i was to serve ,him2 but1 for all this1 ,i wished not to be a nun1 and that ,god would not be pleased ,i should be one1 though at the same time ,i was afraid of marriage4 ,at the end of my stay there1 ,i had a greater inclination to be a nun1 yet not in that house1 on account of certain devotional practices which ,i understood prevailed there1 and which ,i thought overstrained4 ,some of the younger ones encouraged me in this my wish2 and if all had been of one mind1 ,i might have profited by it4 ,i had also a great friend #b in another monastery2 and this made me resolve1 if ,i was to be a nun1 not to be one in any other house than where she was4 ,i looked more to the pleasure of sense and vanity than to the good of my soul4 ,these good thoughts of being a nun came to me from time to time4 ,they left me very soon2 and ,i could not persuade myself to become one4 #c4 ,at this time1 though ,i was not careless about my own good1 our ,lord was much more careful to dispose me for that state of life which was best for me4 ,he sent me a serious illness1 so that ,i was obliged to return to my father's house4 #d4 ,when ,i became well again1 they took me to see my sister #c in her house in the country village where she dwelt4 ,her love for me was so great1 that1 if she had had her will1 ,i should never have left her4 ,her husband also had a great affection for me--at least1 he showed me all kindness4 ,this too ,i owe rather to our ,lord1 for ,i have received kindness everywhere2 and all my service in return is1 that ,i am what ,i am4 #e4 ,on the road lived a brother of my father #d--;a prudent and most excellent man1 then a widower4 ,him too our ,lord was preparing for ,himself4 ,in his old age1 he left all his possessions and became a religious4 ,he so finished his course1 that ,i believe him to have the vision of ,god4 ,he would have me stay with him some days4 ,his practice was to read good books in ,spanish2 and his ordinary conversation was about ,god and the vanity of the world4 ,these books he made me read to him2 and1 though ,i did not much like them1 ,i appeared as if ,i did2 for in giving pleasure to others ,i have been most particular1 though it might be painful to myself--so much so1 that what in others might have been a virtue was in me a great fault1 because ,i was often extremely indiscreet4 ,o my ,god1 in how many ways did ,his ,majesty prepare me for the state wherein it was ,his will ,i should serve ,him6--how1 against my own will1 ,he constrained me to do violence to myself6 ,may ,he be blessed for ever6 ,amen4 #f4 ,though ,i remained here but a few days1 yet1 through the impression made on my heart by the words of ,god both heard and read1 and by the good conversation of my uncle1 ,i came to understand the truth ,i had heard in my childhood1 that all things are as nothing1 the world vanity1 and passing rapidly away4 ,i also began to be afraid that1 if ,i were then to die1 ,i should go down to hell4 ,though ,i could not bend my will to be a nun1 ,i saw that the religious state was the best and the safest4 ,and thus1 by little and little1 ,i resolved to force myself into it4 #g4 ,the struggle lasted three months4 ,i used to press this reason against myself3 ,the trials and sufferings of living as a nun cannot be greater than those of purgatory1 and ,i have well deserved to be in hell4 ,it is not much to spend the rest of my life as if ,i were in purgatory1 and then go straight to ,heaven--which was what ,i desired4 ,i was more influenced by servile fear1 ,i think1 than by love1 to enter religion4 #h4 ,the devil put before me that ,i could not endure the trials of the religious life1 because of my delicate nurture4 ,i defended myself against him by alleging the trials which ,christ endured1 and that it was not much for me to suffer something for ,his sake2 besides1 ,he would help me to bear it4 ,i must have thought so1 but ,i do not remember this consideration4 ,i endured many temptations during these days4 ,i was subject to fainting-fits1 attended with fever1--for my health was always weak4 ,i had become by this time fond of good books1 and that gave me life4 ,i read the ,epistles of ,st4 ,jerome1 which filled me with so much courage1 that ,i resolved to tell my father of my purpose1--which was almost like taking the habit2 for ,i was so jealous of my word1 that ,i would never1 for any consideration1 recede from a promise when once my word had been given4 #i4 ,my father's love for me was so great1 that ,i could never obtain his consent2 nor could the prayers of others1 whom ,i persuaded to speak to him1 be of any avail4 ,the utmost ,i could get from him was that ,i might do as ,i pleased after his death4 ,i now began to be afraid of myself1 and of my own weakness--for ,i might go back4 ,so1 considering that such waiting was not safe for me1 ,i obtained my end in another way1 as ,i shall now relate4 #a4 ,st4 ,matt4 xx4 #af3 ,multi enim sunt vocati1 pauci vero electi4 #b4 ,juana ,suarez1 in the ,monastery of the incarnation1 ,avila 7,reforma1 lib4 i4 ch4 vii4 #g74 #c4 ,maria de ,cepeda1 married to ,don ,martin ,guzman y ,barrientos4 ,they lived in ,castellanos de la ,caada1 where they had considerable property2 but in the later years of their lives they were in straitened circumstances 7,de la ,fuente74 ,see below1 ch4 xxxiv4 #bd4 #d4 ,don ,pedro ,sanchez de ,cepeda4 ,he lived in ,hortigosa1 four leagues from ,avila 7,de la ,fuente74 ,chapter ,,iv4 ,our ,lord ,helps ,her to ,become a ,nun4 ,her ,many ,infirmities4 #a4 ,in those days1 when ,i was thus resolved1 ,i had persuaded one of my brothers1 #a by speaking to him of the vanity of the world1 to become a friar2 and we agreed together to set out one day very early in the morning for the monastery where that friend of mine lived for whom ,i had so great an affection3 #b though ,i would have gone to any other monastery1 if ,i thought ,i should serve ,god better in it1 or to any one my father liked1 so strong was my resolution now to become a nun--for ,i thought more of the salvation of my soul now1 and made no account whatever of mine own ease4 ,i remember perfectly well1 and it is quite true1 that the pain ,i felt when ,i left my father's house was so great1 that ,i do not believe the pain of dying will be greater--for it seemed to me as if every bone in my body were wrenched asunder2 #c for1 as ,i had no love of ,god to destroy my love of father and of kindred1 this latter love came upon me with a violence so great that1 if our ,lord had not been my keeper1 my own resolution to go on would have failed me4 ,but ,he gave me courage to fight against myself1 so that ,i executed my purpose4 #d #b4 ,when ,i took the habit1 #e our ,lord at once made me understand how ,he helps those who do violence to themselves in order to serve ,him4 ,no one observed this violence in me2 they saw nothing but the greatest good will4 ,at that moment1 because ,i was entering on that state1 ,i was filled with a joy so great1 that it has never failed me to this day2 and ,god converted the aridity of my soul into the greatest tenderness4 ,everything in religion was a delight unto me2 and it is true that now and then ,i used to sweep the house during those hours of the day which ,i had formerly spent on my amusements and my dress2 and1 calling to mind that ,i was delivered from such follies1 ,i was filled with a new joy that surprised me1 nor could ,i understand whence it came4 #c4 ,whenever ,i remember this1 there is nothing in the world1 however hard it may be1 that1 if it were proposed to me1 ,i would not undertake without any hesitation whatever2 for ,i know now1 by experience in many things1 that if from the first ,i resolutely persevere in my purpose1 even in this life ,his ,majesty rewards it in a way which he only understands who has tried it4 ,when the act is done for ,god only1 it is ,his will before we begin it that the soul1 in order to the increase of its merits1 should be afraid2 and the greater the fear1 if we do but succeed1 the greater the reward1 and the sweetness thence afterwards resulting4 ,i know this by experience1 as ,i have just said1 in many serious affairs2 and so1 if ,i were a person who had to advise anybody1 ,i would never counsel any one1 to whom good inspirations from time to time may come1 to resist them through fear of the difficulty of carrying them into effect2 for if a person lives detached for the love of ,god only1 that is no reason for being afraid of failure1 for ,he is omnipotent4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever6 ,amen4 #d4 ,o supreme ,good1 and my ,rest1 those graces ought to have been enough which ,thou hadst given me hitherto1 seeing that ,thy compassion and greatness had drawn me through so many windings to a state so secure1 to a house where there are so many servants of ,god1 from whom ,i might learn how ,i may advance in ,thy service4 ,i know not how to go on1 when ,i call to mind the circumstances of my profession1 the great resolution and joy with which ,i made it1 and my betrothal unto ,thee4 ,i cannot speak of it without tears2 and my tears ought to be tears of blood1 my heart ought to break1 and that would not be much to suffer because of the many offences against ,thee which ,i have committed since that day4 ,it seems to me now that ,i had good reasons for not wishing for this dignity1 seeing that ,i have made so sad a use of it4 ,but ,thou1 ,o my ,lord1 hast been willing to bear with me for almost twenty years of my evil using of ,thy graces1 till ,i might become better4 ,it seems to me1 ,o my ,god1 that ,i did nothing but promise never to keep any of the promises then made to ,thee4 ,yet such was not my intention3 but ,i see that what ,i have done since is of such a nature1 that ,i know not what my intention was4 ,so it was and so it happened1 that it may be the better known1 ,o my ,bridegroom1 ,who ,thou art and what ,i am4 #e4 ,it is certainly true that very frequently the joy ,i have in that the multitude of ,thy mercies is made known in me1 softens the bitter sense of my great faults4 ,in whom1 ,o ,lord1 can they shine forth as they do in me1 who by my evil deeds have shrouded in darkness ,thy great graces1 which ,thou hadst begun to work in me8 ,woe is me1 ,o my ,maker6 ,if ,i would make an excuse1 ,i have none to offer2 and ,i only am to blame4 ,for if ,i could return to ,thee any portion of that love which ,thou hadst begun to show unto me1 ,i would give it only unto ,thee1 and then everything would have been safe4 ,but1 as ,i have not deserved this1 nor been so happy as to have done it1 let ,thy mercy1 ,o ,lord1 rest upon me4 #f4 ,the change in the habits of my life1 and in my food1 proved hurtful to my health2 and though my happiness was great1 that was not enough4 ,the fainting-fits began to be more frequent2 and my heart was so seriously affected1 that every one who saw it was alarmed2 and ,i had also many other ailments4 ,and thus it was ,i spent the first year1 having very bad health1 though ,i do not think ,i offended ,god in it much4 ,and as my illness was so serious--,i was almost insensible at all times1 and frequently wholly so--my father took great pains to find some relief2 and as the physicians who attended me had none to give1 he had me taken to a place which had a great reputation for the cure of other infirmities4 ,they said ,i should find relief there4 #f ,that friend of whom ,i have spoken as being in the house went with me4 ,she was one of the elder nuns4 ,in the house where ,i was a nun1 there was no vow of enclosure4 #g #g4 ,i remained there nearly a year1 for three months of it suffering most cruel tortures--effects of the violent remedies which they applied4 ,i know not how ,i endured them2 and indeed1 though ,i submitted myself to them1 they were1 as ,i shall relate1 #h more than my constitution could bear4 #h4 ,i was to begin the treatment in the spring1 and went thither when winter commenced4 ,the intervening time ,i spent with my sister1 of whom ,i spoke before1 #i in her house in the country1 waiting for the month of ,april1 which was drawing near1 that ,i might not have to go and return4 ,the uncle of whom ,i have made mention before1 #aj and whose house was on our road1 gave me a book called ,tercer ,abecedario1 #aa which treats of the prayer of recollection4 ,though in the first year ,i had read good books--for ,i would read no others1 because ,i understood now the harm they had done me--,i did not know how to make my prayer1 nor how to recollect myself4 ,i was therefore much pleased with the book1 and resolved to follow the way of prayer it described with all my might4 ,and as our ,lord had already bestowed upon me the gift of tears1 and ,i found pleasure in reading1 ,i began to spend a certain time in solitude1 to go frequently to confession1 and make a beginning of that way of prayer1 with this book for my guide2 for ,i had no master--,i mean1 no confessor--who understood me1 though ,i sought for such a one for twenty years afterwards3 which did me much harm1 in that ,i frequently went backwards1 and might have been even utterly lost2 for1 anyhow1 a director would have helped me to escape the risks ,i ran of sinning against ,god4 #i4 ,from the very beginning1 ,god was most gracious unto me4 ,though ,i was not so free from sin as the book required1 ,i passed that by2 such watchfulness seemed to me almost impossible4 ,i was on my guard against mortal sin--and would to ,god ,i had always been so6--but ,i was careless about venial sins1 and that was my ruin4 ,yet1 for all this1 at the end of my stay there--,i spent nearly nine months in the practice of solitude--our ,lord began to comfort me so much in this way of prayer1 as in ,his mercy to raise me to the prayer of quiet1 and now and then to that of union1 though ,i understood not what either the one or the other was1 nor the great esteem ,i ought to have had of them4 ,i believe it would have been a great blessing to me if ,i had understood the matter4 ,it is true that the prayer of union lasted but a short time3 ,i know not if it continued for the space of an ,ave ,maria2 but the fruits of it remained2 and they were such that1 though ,i was then not twenty years of age1 ,i seemed to despise the world utterly2 and so ,i remember how sorry ,i was for those who followed its ways1 though only in things lawful4 #aj4 ,i used to labour with all my might to imagine ,jesus ,christ1 our ,good and our ,lord1 present within me4 ,and this was the way ,i prayed4 ,if ,i meditated on any mystery of ,his life1 ,i represented it to myself as within me1 though the greater part of my time ,i spent in reading good books1 which was all my comfort2 for ,god never endowed me with the gift of making reflections with the understanding1 or with that of using the imagination to any good purpose3 my imagination is so sluggish1 #ab that even if ,i would think of1 or picture to myself1 as ,i used to labour to picture1 our ,lord's ,humanity1 ,i never could do it4 #aa4 ,and though men may attain more quickly to the state of contemplation1 if they persevere1 by this way of inability to exert the intellect1 yet is the process more laborious and painful2 for if the will have nothing to occupy it1 and if love have no present object to rest on1 the soul is without support and without employment--its isolation and dryness occasion great pain1 and the thoughts assail it most grievously4 ,persons in this condition must have greater purity of conscience than those who can make use of their understanding2 for he who can use his intellect in the way of meditation on what the world is1 on what he owes to ,god1 on the great sufferings of ,god for him1 his own scanty service in return1 and on the reward ,god reserves for those who love ,him1 learns how to defend himself against his own thoughts1 and against the occasions and perils of sin4 ,on the other hand1 he who has not that power is in greater danger1 and ought to occupy himself much in reading1 seeing that he is not in the slightest degree able to help himself4 #ab4 ,this way of proceeding is so exceedingly painful1 that if the master who teaches it insists on cutting off the succours which reading gives1 and requires the spending of much time in prayer1 then1 ,i say1 it will be impossible to persevere long in it3 and if he persists in his plan1 health will be ruined1 because it is a most painful process4 ,reading is of great service towards procuring recollection in any one who proceeds in this way2 and it is even necessary for him1 however little it may be that he reads1 if only as a substitute for the mental prayer which is beyond his reach4 #ac4 ,now ,i seem to understand that it was the good providence of our ,lord over me that found no one to teach me4 ,if ,i had1 it would have been impossible for me to persevere during the eighteen years of my trial and of those great aridities because of my inability to meditate4 ,during all this time1 it was only after ,communion that ,i ever ventured to begin my prayer without a book--my soul was as much afraid to pray without one1 as if it had to fight against a host4 ,with a book to help me--it was like a companion1 and a shield whereon to receive the blows of many thoughts--,i found comfort2 for it was not usual with me to be in aridity3 but ,i always was so when ,i had no book2 for my soul was disturbed1 and my thoughts wandered at once4 ,with one1 ,i began to collect my thoughts1 and1 using it as a decoy1 kept my soul in peace1 very frequently by merely opening a book--there was no necessity for more4 ,sometimes1 ,i read but little2 at other times1 much--according as our ,lord had pity on me4 #ad4 ,it seemed to me1 in these beginnings of which ,i am speaking1 that there could be no danger capable of withdrawing me from so great a blessing1 if ,i had but books1 and could have remained alone2 and ,i believe that1 by the grace of ,god1 it would have been so1 if ,i had had a master or any one to warn me against those occasions of sin in the beginning1 and1 if ,i fell1 to bring me quickly out of them4 ,if the devil had assailed me openly then1 ,i believe ,i should never have fallen into any grievous sin2 but he was so subtle1 and ,i so weak1 that all my good resolutions were of little service--though1 in those days in which ,i served ,god1 they were very profitable in enabling me1 with that patience which ,his ,majesty gave me1 to endure the alarming illnesses which ,i had to bear4 ,i have often thought with wonder of the great goodness of ,god2 and my soul has rejoiced in the contemplation of ,his great magnificence and mercy4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever6--for ,i see clearly that ,he has not omitted to reward me1 even in this life1 for every one of my good desires4 ,my good works1 however wretched and imperfect1 have been made better and perfected by ,him ,who is my ,lord3 ,he has rendered them meritorious4 ,as to my evil deeds and my sins1 ,he hid them at once4 ,the eyes of those who saw them1 ,he made even blind2 and ,he has blotted them out of their memory4 ,he gilds my faults1 makes virtue to shine forth1 giving it to me ,himself1 and compelling me to possess it1 as it were1 by force4 #ae4 ,i must now return to that which has been enjoined me4 ,i say1 that if ,i had to describe minutely how our ,lord dealt with me in the beginning1 it would be necessary for me to have another understanding than that ,i have3 so that ,i might be able to appreciate what ,i owe to ,him1 together with my own ingratitude and wickedness2 for ,i have forgotten it all4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever ,who has borne with me so long6 ,amen4 #a4 ,antonio de ,ahumada2 who1 according to the most probable opinion1 entered the ,dominican monastery of ,st4 ,thomas1 ,avila4 ,it is said that he died before he was professed4 ,some said he joined the ,hieronymites2 but this is not so probable 7,de la ,fuente74 ,ribera1 however1 says that he did enter the novitiate of the ,hieronymites4 but died before he was out of it 7lib4 i4 ch4 vi474 #b4 ,juana ,suarez1 in the ,monastery of the ,incarnation1 ,avila4 #c4 ,see ,relation1 vi4 #c4 #d4 ,the nuns sent word to the father of his child's escape1 and of her desire to become a nun1 but without any expectation of obtaining his consent4 ,he came to the monastery forthwith1 and offered up his ,isaac on ,mount ,carmel 7,reforma1 lib4 i4 ch4 viii4 #e74 #e4 ,the ,saint entered the ,monastery of the ,incarnation ,nov4 #b1 #aecc1 and made her profession ,nov4 #c1 #aecd 7,bollandists and ,bouix74 ,ribera says she entered ,november #b1 #aece2 and the chronicler of the ,order1 relying on the contract by which her father bound himself to the monastery1 says that she took the habit ,nov4 #b1 #aecf1 and that ,ribera had made a mistake4 #f4 ,her father took her from the monastery in the autumn of #aece1 according to the ,bollandists1 but of #aech1 according to the chronicler1 who adds1 that she was taken to her uncle's house--,pedro ,sanchez de ,cepeda--in ,hortigosa1 and then to ,castellanos de la ,caada1 to the house of her sister1 ,doa ,maria1 where she remained till the spring1 when she went to ,bezadas for her cure 7,reforma1 lib4 i4 ch4 xi4 #b74 #g4 ,it was in #aefc that all nuns were compelled to observe enclosure 7,de la ,fuente74 #h4 ,ch4 v4 #ae4 #i4 ,ch4 iii4 #d4 #aj4 ,ch4 iii4 #e4 #aa4 ,by ,fray ,francisco de ,osuna1 of the ,order of ,st4 ,francis 7,reforma1 lib4 i4 ch4 xi4 #b74 #ab4 ,see ch4 ix4 #d1 #g4 ,chapter ,v4 ,illness and ,patience of the ,saint4 ,the ,story of a ,priest ,whom ,she ,rescued from a ,life of ,sin4 #a4 ,i forgot to say how1 in the year of my novitiate1 ,i suffered much uneasiness about things in themselves of no importance2 but ,i was found fault with very often when ,i was blameless4 ,i bore it painfully and with imperfection2 however1 ,i went through it all1 because of the joy ,i had in being a nun4 ,when they saw me seeking to be alone1 and even weeping over my sins at times1 they thought ,i was discontented1 and said so4 #b4 ,all religious observances had an attraction for me1 but ,i could not endure any which seemed to make me contemptible4 ,i delighted in being thought well of by others1 and was very exact in everything ,i had to do4 ,all this ,i thought was a virtue1 though it will not serve as any excuse for me1 because ,i knew what it was to procure my own satisfaction in everything1 and so ignorance does not blot out the blame4 ,there may be some excuse in the fact that the monastery was not founded in great perfection4 ,i1 wicked as ,i was1 followed after that which ,i saw was wrong1 and neglected that which was good4 #c4 ,there was then in the house a nun labouring under a most grievous and painful disorder1 for there were open ulcers in her body1 caused by certain obstructions1 through which her food was rejected4 ,of this sickness she soon died4 ,all the sisters1 ,i saw1 were afraid of her malady4 ,i envied her patience very much2 ,i prayed to ,god that ,he would give me a like patience2 and then1 whatever sickness it might be ,his pleasure to send1 ,i do not think ,i was afraid of any1 for ,i was resolved on gaining eternal good1 and determined to gain it by any and by every means4 #d4 ,i am surprised at myself1 because then ,i had not1 as ,i believe1 that love of ,god which ,i think ,i had after ,i began to pray4 ,then1 ,i had only light to see that all things that pass away are to be lightly esteemed1 and that the good things to be gained by despising them are of great price1 because they are for ever4 ,his ,majesty heard me also in this1 for in less than two years ,i was so afflicted myself that the illness which ,i had1 though of a different kind from that of the sister1 was1 ,i really believe1 not less painful and trying for the three years it lasted1 as ,i shall now relate4 #e4 ,when the time had come for which ,i was waiting in the place ,i spoke of before #a--;,i was in my sister's house1 for the purpose of undergoing the medical treatment--they took me away with the utmost care of my comfort2 that is1 my father1 my sister1 and the nun1 my friend1 who had come from the monastery with me1--for her love for me was very great4 ,at that moment1 ,satan began to trouble my soul2 ,god1 however1 brought forth a great blessing out of that trouble4 #f4 ,in the place to which ,i had gone for my cure lived a priest of good birth and understanding1 with some learning1 but not much4 ,i went to confession to him1 for ,i was always fond of learned men1 although confessors indifferently learned did my soul much harm2 for ,i did not always find confessors whose learning was as good as ,i could wish it was4 ,i know by experience that it is better1 if the confessors are good men and of holy lives1 that they should have no learning at all1 than a little2 for such confessors never trust themselves without consulting those who are learned--nor would ,i trust them myself3 and a really learned confessor never deceived me4 #b ,neither did the others willingly deceive me1 only they knew no better2 ,i thought they were learned1 and that ,i was not under any other obligation than that of believing them1 as their instructions to me were lax1 and left me more at liberty--for if they had been strict with me1 ,i am so wicked1 ,i should have sought for others4 ,that which was a venial sin1 they told me was no sin at all2 of that which was most grievously mortal1 they said it was venial4 #c #g4 ,this did me so much harm1 that it is no wonder ,i should speak of it here as a warning to others1 that they may avoid an evil so great2 for ,i see clearly that in the eyes of ,god ,i was without excuse1 that the things ,i did being in themselves not good1 this should have been enough to keep me from them4 ,i believe that ,god1 by reason of my sins1 allowed those confessors to deceive themselves and to deceive me4 ,i myself deceived many others by saying to them what had been said to me4 #h4 ,i continued in this blindness1 ,i believe1 more than seventeen years1 till a most learned ,dominican ,father #d undeceived me in part1 and those of the ,company of ,jesus made me altogether so afraid1 by insisting on the erroneousness of these principles1 as ,i shall hereafter show4 #e #i4 ,i began1 then1 by going to confession to that priest of whom ,i spoke before4 #f ,he took an extreme liking to me1 because ,i had then but little to confess in comparison with what ,i had afterwards2 and ,i had never much to say since ,i became a nun4 ,there was no harm in the liking he had for me1 but it ceased to be good1 because it was in excess4 ,he clearly understood that ,i was determined on no account whatever to do anything whereby ,god might be seriously offended4 ,he1 too1 gave me a like assurance about himself1 and accordingly our conferences were many4 ,but at that time1 through the knowledge and fear of ,god which filled my soul1 what gave me most pleasure in all my conversations with others was to speak of ,god2 and1 as ,i was so young1 this made him ashamed2 and then1 out of that great goodwill he bore me1 he began to tell me of his wretched state4 ,it was very sad1 for he had been nearly seven years in a most perilous condition1 because of his affection for1 and conversation with1 a woman of that place2 and yet he used to say ,mass4 ,the matter was so public1 that his honour and good name were lost1 and no one ventured to speak to him about it4 ,i was extremely sorry for him1 because ,i liked him much4 ,i was then so imprudent and so blind as to think it a virtue to be grateful and loyal to one who liked me4 ,cursed be that loyalty which reaches so far as to go against the law of ,god4 ,it is a madness common in the world1 and it makes me mad to see it4 ,we are indebted to ,god for all the good that men do to us1 and yet we hold it to be an act of virtue not to break a friendship of this kind1 though it lead us to go against ,him4 ,oh1 blindness of the world6 ,let me1 ,o ,lord1 be most ungrateful to the world2 never at all unto ,thee4 ,but ,i have been altogether otherwise through my sins4 #aj4 ,i procured further information about the matter from members of his household2 ,i learned more of his ruinous state1 and saw that the poor man's fault was not so grave1 because the miserable woman had had recourse to enchantments1 by giving him a little image made of copper1 which she had begged him to wear for love of her around his neck2 and this no one had influence enough to persuade him to throw away4 ,as to this matter of enchantments1 ,i do not believe it to be altogether true2 but ,i will relate what ,i saw1 by way of warning to men to be on their guard against women who will do things of this kind4 ,and let them be assured of this1 that women--for they are more bound to purity than men--if once they have lost all shame before ,god1 are in nothing whatever to be trusted2 and that in exchange for the gratification of their will1 and of that affection which the devil suggests1 they will hesitate at nothing4 #aa4 ,though ,i have been so wicked myself1 ,i never fell into anything of this kind1 nor did ,i ever attempt to do evil2 nor1 if ,i had the power1 would ,i have ever constrained any one to like me1 for our ,lord kept me from this4 ,but if ,he had abandoned me1 ,i should have done wrong in this1 as ,i did in other things--for there is nothing in me whereon anyone may rely4 #ab4 ,when ,i knew this1 ,i began to show him greater affection3 my intention was good1 but the act was wrong1 for ,i ought not to do the least wrong for the sake of any good1 how great soever it may be4 ,i spoke to him most frequently of ,god2 and this must have done him good--though ,i believe that what touched him most was his great affection for me1 because1 to do me a pleasure1 he gave me that little image of copper1 and ,i had it at once thrown into a river4 ,when he had given it up1 like a man roused from deep sleep1 he began to consider all that he had done in those years2 and then1 amazed at himself1 lamenting his ruinous state1 that woman came to be hateful in his eyes4 ,our ,lady must have helped him greatly1 for he had a very great devotion to her ,conception1 and used to keep the feast thereof with great solemnity4 ,in short1 he broke off all relations with that woman utterly1 and was never weary of giving ,god thanks for the light ,he had given him2 and at the end of the year from the day ,i first saw him1 he died4 #ac4 ,he had been most diligent in the service of ,god2 and as for that great affection he had for me1 ,i never observed anything wrong in it1 though it might have been of greater purity4 ,there were also occasions wherein he might have most grievously offended1 if he had not kept himself in the near presence of ,god4 ,as ,i said before1 #g ,i would not then have done anything ,i knew was a mortal sin4 ,and ,i think that observing this resolution in me helped him to have that affection for me2 for ,i believe that all men must have a greater affection for those women whom they see disposed to be good2 and even for the attainment of earthly ends1 women must have more power over men because they are good1 as ,i shall show hereafter4 ,i am convinced that the priest is in the way of salvation4 ,he died most piously1 and completely withdrawn from that occasion of sin4 ,it seems that it was the will of our ,lord he should be saved by these means4 #ad4 ,i remained three months in that place1 in the most grievous sufferings2 for the treatment was too severe for my constitution4 ,in two months--so strong were the medicines--my life was nearly worn out2 and the severity of the pain in the heart1 #h for the cure of which ,i was there was much more keen3 it seemed to me1 now and then1 as if it had been seized by sharp teeth4 ,so great was the torment1 that it was feared it might end in madness4 ,there was a great loss of strength1 for ,i could eat nothing whatever1 only drink4 ,i had a great loathing for food1 and a fever that never left me4 ,i was so reduced1 for they had given me purgatives daily for nearly a month1 and so parched up1 that my sinews began to shrink4 ,the pains ,i had were unendurable1 and ,i was overwhelmed in a most deep sadness1 so that ,i had no rest either night or day4 #ae4 ,this was the result2 and thereupon my father took me back4 ,then the physicians visited me again4 ,all gave me up2 they said ,i was also consumptive4 ,this gave me little or no concern2 what distressed me were the pains ,i had--for ,i was in pain from my head down to my feet4 ,now1 nervous pains1 according to the physicians1 are intolerable2 and all my nerves were shrunk4 ,certainly1 if ,i had not brought this upon myself by my sins1 the torture would have been unendurable4 #af4 ,i was not more than three months in this cruel distress1 for it seemed impossible that so many ills could be borne together4 ,i now am astonished at myself1 and the patience ,his ,majesty gave me--for it clearly came from ,him--,i look upon as a great mercy of our ,lord4 ,it was a great help to me to be patient1 that ,i had read the story of ,job1 in the ,morals of ,st4 ,gregory 7our ,lord seems to have prepared me thereby72 and that ,i had begun the practice of prayer1 so that ,i might bear it all1 conforming my will to the will of ,god4 ,all my conversation was with ,god4 ,i had continually these words of ,job in my thoughts and in my mouth3 ,if we have received good things of the hand of our ,lord1 why should we not receive evil things8 #i ,this seemed to give me courage4 #ag4 ,the feast of our ,lady1 in ,august1 came round2 from ,april until then ,i had been in great pain1 but more especially during the last three months4 ,i made haste to go to confession1 for ,i had always been very fond of frequent confession4 ,they thought ,i was driven by the fear of death2 and so my father1 in order to quiet me1 would not suffer me to go4 ,oh1 the unreasonable love of flesh and blood6 ,though it was that of a father so ,catholic and so wise--he was very much so1 and this act of his could not be the effect of any ignorance on his part--what evil it might have done me6 #ah4 ,that very night my sickness became so acute1 that for about four days ,i remained insensible4 ,they administered the ,sacrament of the last ,anointing1 and every hour1 or rather every moment1 thought ,i was dying2 they did nothing but repeat the ,credo1 as if ,i could have understood anything they said4 ,they must have regarded me as dead more than once1 for ,i found afterwards drops of wax on my eyelids4 ,my father1 because he had not allowed me to go to confession1 was grievously distressed4 ,loud cries and many prayers were made to ,god3 blessed be ,he ,who heard them4 #ai4 ,for a day-and-a-half the grave was open in my monastery1 waiting for my body2 #aj and the ,friars of our ,order1 in a house at some distance from this place1 performed funeral solemnities4 ,but it pleased our ,lord ,i should come to myself4 ,i wished to go to confession at once4 ,i communicated with many tears2 but ,i do not think those tears had their source in that pain and sorrow only for having offended ,god1 which might have sufficed for my salvation--unless1 indeed1 the delusion which ,i laboured under were some excuse for me1 and into which ,i had been led by those who had told me that some things were not mortal sins which afterwards ,i found were so certainly4 #bj4 ,though my sufferings were unendurable1 and my perceptions dull1 yet my confession1 ,i believe1 was complete as to all matters wherein ,i understood myself to have offended ,god4 ,this grace1 among others1 did ,his ,majesty bestow on me1 that ever since my first ,communion never in confession have ,i failed to confess anything ,i thought to be a sin1 though it might be only a venial sin4 ,but ,i think that undoubtedly my salvation was in great peril1 if ,i had died at that time--partly because my confessors were so unlearned1 and partly because ,i was so very wicked4 ,it is certainly true that when ,i think of it1 and consider how our ,lord seems to have raised me up from the dead1 ,i am so filled with wonder1 that ,i almost tremble with fear4 #aa #ba4 ,and now1 ,o my soul1 it were well for thee to look that danger in the face from which our ,lord delivered thee2 and if thou dost not cease to offend ,him out of love thou shouldst do so out of fear4 ,he might have slain thee a thousand times1 and in a far more perilous state4 ,i believe ,i exaggerate nothing if ,i say a thousand times again1 though he may rebuke me who has commanded me to restrain myself in recounting my sins2 and they are glossed over enough4 ,i pray him1 for the love of ,god1 not to suppress one of my faults1 because herein shines forth the magnificence of ,god1 as well as ,his long-suffering towards souls4 ,may ,he be blessed for evermore1 and destroy me utterly1 rather than let me cease to love ,him any more6 #a4 ,ch4 iv4 #f4 ,the person to whom she was taken was a woman famous for certain cures she had wrought1 but whose skill proved worse than useless to the ,saint 7,reforma1 lib4 i4 ch4 xi4 #b74 #b4 ,schram1 ,theolog4 ,mystic41 #dhc4 ,magni doctores scholastici1 si non sint spirituales1 vel omni rerum spiritualium experientia careant1 non solent esse magistri spirituales idonei--nam theologia scholastica est perfectio intellectus2 mystica1 perfectio intellectus et voluntatis3 unde bonus theologus scholasticus potest esse malus theologus mysticus4 ,in rebus tamen difficilibus1 dubiis1 spiritualibus1 prstat mediocriter spiritualem theologum consulere quam spiritualem idiotam4 #c4 ,see ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 viii4 #b2 but ch4 v4 ,dalton's edition4 #d4 ,f4 ,vicente ,barron 7,bouix74 #e4 ,see ch4 xxiii4 #f4 #f4 #g4 #i4 #h4 ,ch4 iv4 #f4 #i4 ,job ii4 #aj3 ,si bona suscepimus de manu ,dei1 mala quare non suscipiamus8 #aj4 ,some of the nuns of the ,incarnation were in the house1 sent thither from the monastery2 and1 but for the father's disbelief in her death1 would have taken her home for burial 7,ribera1 lib4 i4 ch4 iv474 #aa4 ,ribera1 lib4 i4 ch4 iv41 says he heard ,fra ,baes1 in a sermon1 say that the ,saint told him she had1 during these four days1 seen hell in a vision4 ,and the chronicler says that though there was bodily illness1 yet it was a trance of the soul at the same time 7vol4 i4 lib4 i4 ch4 xii4 #c74 ,chapter ,,vi4 ,the ,great ,debt ,she ,owed to ,our ,lord for ,his ,mercy to ,her4 ,she ,takes ,st4 ,joseph for ,her ,patron4 #a4 ,after those four days1 during which ,i was insensible1 so great was my distress1 that our ,lord alone knoweth the intolerable sufferings ,i endured4 ,my tongue was bitten to pieces2 there was a choking in my throat because ,i had taken nothing1 and because of my weakness1 so that ,i could not swallow even a drop of water2 all my bones seemed to be out of joint1 and the disorder of my head was extreme4 ,i was bent together like a coil of ropes--for to this was ,i brought by the torture of those days--unable to move either arm1 or foot1 or hand1 or head1 any more than if ,i had been dead1 unless others moved me2 ,i could move1 however1 ,i think1 one finger of my right hand4 ,then1 as to touching me1 that was impossible1 for ,i was so bruised that ,i could not endure it4 ,they used to move me in a sheet1 one holding one end1 and another the other4 ,this lasted till ,palm ,sunday4 #a #b4 ,the only comfort ,i had was this--if no one came near me1 my pains frequently ceased2 and then1 because ,i had a little rest1 ,i considered myself well1 for ,i was afraid my patience would fail3 and thus ,i was exceedingly happy when ,i saw myself free from those pains which were so sharp and constant1 though in the cold fits of an intermittent fever1 which were most violent1 they were still unendurable4 ,my dislike of food was very great4 #c4 ,i was now so anxious to return to my monastery1 that ,i had myself conveyed thither in the state ,i was in4 ,there they received alive one whom they had waited for as dead2 but her body was worse than dead3 the sight of it could only give pain4 ,it is impossible to describe my extreme weakness1 for ,i was nothing but bones4 ,i remained in this state1 as ,i have already said1 #b more than eight months2 and was paralytic1 though getting better1 for about three years4 ,i praised ,god when ,i began to crawl on my hands and knees4 ,i bore all this with great resignation1 and1 if ,i except the beginning of my illness1 with great joy2 for all this was as nothing in comparison with the pains and tortures ,i had to bear at first4 ,i was resigned to the will of ,god1 even if ,he left me in this state for ever4 ,my anxiety about the recovery of my health seemed to be grounded on my desire to pray in solitude1 as ,i had been taught2 for there were no means of doing so in the infirmary4 ,i went to confession most frequently1 spoke much about ,god1 and in such a way as to edify everyone2 and they all marvelled at the patience which our ,lord gave me--for if it had not come from the hand of ,his ,majesty1 it seemed impossible to endure so great an affliction with so great a joy4 #d4 ,it was a great thing for me to have had the grace of prayer which ,god had wrought in me2 it made me understand what it is to love ,him4 ,in a little while1 ,i saw these virtues renewed within me2 still they were not strong1 for they were not sufficient to sustain me in justice4 ,i never spoke ill in the slightest degree whatever of any one1 and my ordinary practice was to avoid all detraction2 for ,i used to keep most carefully in mind that ,i ought not to assent to1 nor say of another1 anything ,i should not like to have said of myself4 ,i was extremely careful to keep this resolution on all occasions though not so perfectly1 upon some great occasions that presented themselves1 as not to break it sometimes4 ,but my ordinary practice was this3 and thus those who were about me1 and those with whom ,i conversed1 became so convinced that it was right1 that they adopted it as a habit4 ,it came to be understood that where ,i was1 absent persons were safe2 so they were also with my friends and kindred1 and with those whom ,i instructed4 ,still1 for all this1 ,i have a strict account to give unto ,god for the bad example ,i gave in other respects4 ,may it please ,his ,majesty to forgive me1 for ,i have been the cause of much evil2 though not with intentions as perverse as were the acts that followed4 #e4 ,the longing for solitude remained1 and ,i loved to discourse and speak of ,god2 for if ,i found any one with whom ,i could do so1 it was a greater joy and satisfaction to me than all the refinements--or rather to speak more correctly1 the real rudeness--of the world's conversation4 ,i communicated and confessed more frequently still1 and desired to do so2 ,i was extremely fond of reading good books2 ,i was most deeply penitent for having offended ,god2 and ,i remember that very often ,i did not dare to pray1 because ,i was afraid of that most bitter anguish which ,i felt for having offended ,god1 dreading it as a great chastisement4 ,this grew upon me afterwards to so great a degree1 that ,i know of no torment wherewith to compare it2 and yet it was neither more nor less because of any fear ,i had at any time1 for it came upon me only when ,i remembered the consolations of our ,lord which ,he gave me in prayer1 the great debt ,i owed ,him1 the evil return ,i made3 ,i could not bear it4 ,i was also extremely angry with myself on account of the many tears ,i shed for my faults1 when ,i saw how little ,i improved1 seeing that neither my good resolutions1 nor the pains ,i took1 were sufficient to keep me from falling whenever ,i had the opportunity4 ,i looked on my tears as a delusion2 and my faults1 therefore1 ,i regarded as the more grievous1 because ,i saw the great goodness of our ,lord to me in the shedding of those tears1 and together with them such deep compunction4 #f4 ,i took care to go to confession as soon as ,i could2 and1 as ,i think1 did all that was possible on my part to return to a state of grace4 ,but the whole evil lay in my not thoroughly avoiding the occasions of sin1 and in my confessors1 who helped me so little4 ,if they had told me that ,i was travelling on a dangerous road1 and that ,i was bound to abstain from those conversations1 ,i believe1 without any doubt1 that the matter would have been remedied1 because ,i could not bear to remain even for one day in mortal sin1 if ,i knew it4 #g4 ,all these tokens of the fear of ,god came to me through prayer2 and the greatest of them was this1 that fear was swallowed up of love--for ,i never thought of chastisement4 ,all the time ,i was so ill1 my strict watch over my conscience reached to all that is mortal sin4 #h4 ,o my ,god6 ,i wished for health1 that ,i might serve ,thee better2 that was the cause of all my ruin4 ,for when ,i saw how helpless ,i was through paralysis1 being still so young1 and how the physicians of this world had dealt with me1 ,i determined to ask those of heaven to heal me--for ,i wished1 nevertheless1 to be well1 though ,i bore my illness with great joy4 ,sometimes1 too1 ,i used to think that if ,i recovered my health1 and yet were lost for ever1 ,i was better as ,i was4 ,but1 for all that1 ,i thought ,i might serve ,god much better if ,i were well4 ,this is our delusion2 we do not resign ourselves absolutely to the disposition of our ,lord1 ,who knows best what is for our good4 #i4 ,i began by having ,masses and prayers said for my intention--prayers that were highly sanctioned2 for ,i never liked those other devotions which some people1 especially women1 make use of with a ceremoniousness to me intolerable1 but which move them to be devout4 ,i have been given to understand since that they were unseemly and superstitious2 and ,i took for my patron and lord the glorious ,st4 ,joseph1 and recommended myself earnestly to him4 ,i saw clearly that both out of this my present trouble1 and out of others of greater importance1 relating to my honour and the loss of my soul1 this my father and lord delivered me1 and rendered me greater services than ,i knew how to ask for4 ,i cannot call to mind that ,i have ever asked him at any time for anything which he has not granted2 and ,i am filled with amazement when ,i consider the great favours which ,god hath given me through this blessed ,saint2 the dangers from which he hath delivered me1 both of body and of soul4 ,to other ,saints1 our ,lord seems to have given grace to succour men in some special necessity2 but to this glorious ,saint1 ,i know by experience1 to help us in all3 and our ,lord would have us understand that as ,he was ,himself subject to him upon earth--for ,st4 ,joseph having the title of father1 and being ,his guardian1 could command ,him--so now in heaven ,he performs all his petitions4 ,i have asked others to recommend themselves to ,st4 ,joseph1 and they too know this by experience2 and there are many who are now of late devout to him1 #c having had experience of this truth4 #aj4 ,i used to keep his feast with all the solemnity ,i could1 but with more vanity than spirituality1 seeking rather too much splendour and effect1 and yet with good intentions4 ,i had this evil in me1 that if our ,lord gave me grace to do any good1 that good became full of imperfections and of many faults2 but as for doing wrong1 the indulgence of curiosity and vanity1 ,i was very skilful and active therein4 ,our ,lord forgive me6 #aa4 ,would that ,i could persuade all men to be devout to this glorious ,saint2 for ,i know by long experience what blessings he can obtain for us from ,god4 ,i have never known any one who was really devout to him1 and who honoured him by particular services1 who did not visibly grow more and more in virtue2 for he helps in a special way those souls who commend themselves to him4 ,it is now some years since ,i have always on his feast asked him for something1 and ,i always have it4 ,if the petition be in any way amiss1 he directs it aright for my greater good4 #ab4 ,if ,i were a person who had authority to write1 it would be a pleasure to me to be diffusive in speaking most minutely of the graces which this glorious ,saint has obtained for me and for others4 ,but that ,i may not go beyond the commandment that is laid upon me1 ,i must in many things be more brief than ,i could wish1 and more diffusive than is necessary in others2 for1 in short1 ,i am a person who1 in all that is good1 has but little discretion4 ,but ,i ask1 for the love of ,god1 that he who does not believe me will make the trial for himself--when he will see by experience the great good that results from commending oneself to this glorious patriarch1 and being devout to him4 ,those who give themselves to prayer should in a special manner have always a devotion to ,st4 ,joseph2 for ,i know not how any man can think of the ,queen of the angels1 during the time that she suffered so much with the ,infant ,jesus1 without giving thanks to ,st4 ,joseph for the services he rendered them then4 ,he who cannot find any one to teach him how to pray1 let him take this glorious ,saint for his master1 and he will not wander out of the way4 #ac4 ,may it please our ,lord that ,i have not done amiss in venturing to speak about ,st4 ,joseph2 for1 though ,i publicly profess my devotion to him1 ,i have always failed in my service to him and imitation of him4 ,he was like himself when he made me able to rise and walk1 no longer a paralytic2 and ,i1 too1 am like myself when ,i make so bad a use of this grace4 #ad4 ,who could have said that ,i was so soon to fall1 after such great consolations from ,god--after ,his ,majesty had implanted virtues in me which of themselves made me serve ,him--after ,i had been1 as it were1 dead1 and in such extreme peril of eternal damnation--after ,he had raised me up1 soul and body1 so that all who saw me marvelled to see me alive8 ,what can it mean1 ,o my ,lord8 ,the life we live is so full of danger6 ,while ,i am writing this--and it seems to me1 too1 by ,thy grace and mercy--,i may say with ,st4 ,paul1 though not so truly as he did3 ,it is not ,i who live now1 but ,thou1 my ,creator1 livest in me4 #d ,for some years past1 so it seems to me1 ,thou hast held me by the hand2 and ,i see in myself desires and resolutions--in some measure tested by experience1 in many ways1 during that time--never to do anything1 however slight it may be1 contrary to ,thy will1 though ,i must have frequently offended ,thy ,divine ,majesty without being aware of it2 and ,i also think that nothing can be proposed to me that ,i should not with great resolution undertake for ,thy love4 ,in some things ,thou hast ,thyself helped me to succeed therein4 ,i love neither the world1 nor the things of the world2 nor do ,i believe that anything that does not come from ,thee can give me pleasure2 everything else seems to me a heavy cross4 #ae4 ,still1 ,i may easily deceive myself1 and it may be that ,i am not what ,i say ,i am2 but ,thou knowest1 ,o my ,lord1 that1 to the best of my knowledge1 ,i lie not4 ,i am afraid1 and with good reason1 lest ,thou shouldst abandon me2 for ,i know now how far my strength and little virtue can reach1 if ,thou be not ever at hand to supply them1 and to help me never to forsake ,thee4 ,may ,his ,majesty grant that ,i be not forsaken of ,thee even now1 when ,i am thinking all this of myself6 #af4 ,i know not how we can wish to live1 seeing that everything is so uncertain4 ,once1 ,o ,lord1 ,i thought it impossible to forsake ,thee so utterly2 and now that ,i have forsaken ,thee so often1 ,i cannot help being afraid2 for when ,thou didst withdraw but a little from me1 ,i fell down to the ground at once4 ,blessed for ever be ,thou6 ,though ,i have forsaken ,thee1 ,thou hast not forsaken me so utterly but that ,thou hast come again and raised me up1 giving me ,thy hand always4 ,very often1 ,o ,lord1 ,i would not take it3 very often ,i would not listen when ,thou wert calling me again1 as ,i am going to show4 #a4 ,march #be1 #aecg4 #b4 ,ch4 v4 #ag4 ,the ,saint left her monastery in #aece2 and in the spring of #aecf went from her sister's house to ,bezadas2 and in ,july of that year was brought back to her father's house in ,avila1 wherein she remained till ,palm ,sunday1 #aecg1 when she returned to the ,monastery of the ,incarnation4 ,she had been seized with paralysis there1 and laboured under it nearly three years1 from #aecf to #aeci1 when she was miraculously healed through the intercession of ,st4 ,joseph 7,bolland1 n4 #ajj1 #aja74 ,the dates of the ,chronicler are different from these4 #c4 ,of the devotion to ,st4 ,joseph1 ,f4 ,faber 7,the ,blessed ,sacrament1 bk4 ii4 p4 #aii1 #crd ed47 says that it took its rise in the ,west1 in a confraternity in ,avignon4 ,then it spread over the church4 ,gerson was raised up to be its doctor and theologian1 and ,st4 ,teresa to be its ,saint1 and ,st4 ,francis of ,sales to be its popular teacher and missionary4 ,the houses of ,carmel were like the holy house of ,nazareth to it2 and the colleges of the ,jesuits1 its peaceful sojourns in dark ,egypt4 #d4 ,galat4 ii4 #bj3 ,vivo autem1 jam non ego2 vivit vero in me ,christus4 ,chapter ,,vii4 ,lukewarmness4 ,the ,loss of ,grace4 ,inconvenience of ,laxity in ,religious ,houses4 #a4 ,so1 then1 going on from pastime to pastime1 from vanity to vanity1 from one occasion of sin to another1 ,i began to expose myself exceedingly to the very greatest dangers3 my soul was so distracted by many vanities1 that ,i was ashamed to draw near unto ,god in an act of such special friendship as that of prayer4 #a ,as my sins multiplied1 ,i began to lose the pleasure and comfort ,i had in virtuous things3 and that loss contributed to the abandonment of prayer4 ,i see now most clearly1 ,o my ,lord1 that this comfort departed from me because ,i had departed from ,thee4 #b4 ,it was the most fearful delusion into which ,satan could plunge me--to give up prayer under the pretence of humility4 ,i began to be afraid of giving myself to prayer1 because ,i saw myself so lost4 ,i thought it would be better for me1 seeing that in my wickedness ,i was one of the most wicked1 to live like the multitude--to say the prayers which ,i was bound to say1 and that vocally3 not to practise mental prayer nor commune with ,god so much2 for ,i deserved to be with the devils1 and was deceiving those who were about me1 because ,i made an outward show of goodness2 and therefore the community in which ,i dwelt is not to be blamed2 for with my cunning ,i so managed matters1 that all had a good opinion of me2 and yet ,i did not seek this deliberately by simulating devotion2 for in all that relates to hypocrisy and ostentation--glory be to ,god6--,i do not remember that ,i ever offended ,him1 #b so far as ,i know4 ,the very first movements herein gave me such pain1 that the devil would depart from me with loss1 and the gain remained with me2 and thus1 accordingly1 he never tempted me much in this way4 ,perhaps1 however1 if ,god had permitted ,satan to tempt me as sharply herein as he tempted me in other things1 ,i should have fallen also into this2 but ,his ,majesty has preserved me until now4 ,may ,he be blessed for evermore6 ,it was rather a heavy affliction to me that ,i should be thought so well of2 for ,i knew my own secret4 #c4 ,the reason why they thought ,i was not so wicked was this3 they saw that ,i1 who was so young1 and exposed to so many occasions of sin1 withdrew myself so often into solitude for prayer1 read much1 spoke of ,god1 that ,i liked to have ,his image painted in many places1 to have an oratory of my own1 and furnish it with objects of devotion1 that ,i spoke ill of no one1 and other things of the same kind in me which have the appearance of virtue4 ,yet all the while--,i was so vain--,i knew how to procure respect for myself by doing those things which in the world are usually regarded with respect4 #d4 ,in consequence of this1 they gave me as much liberty as they did to the oldest nuns1 and even more1 and had great confidence in me2 for as to taking any liberty for myself1 or doing anything without leave--such as conversing through the door1 or in secret1 or by night--,i do not think ,i could have brought myself to speak with anybody in the monastery in that way1 and ,i never did it2 for our ,lord held me back4 ,it seemed to me--for ,i considered many things carefully and of set purpose--that it would be a very evil deed on my part1 wicked as ,i was1 to risk the credit of so many nuns1 who were all good--as if everything else ,i did was well done6 ,in truth1 the evil ,i did was not the result of deliberation1 as this would have been1 if ,i had done it1 although it was too much so4 #e4 ,therefore1 ,i think that it did me much harm to be in a monastery not enclosed4 ,the liberty which those who were good might have with advantage--they not being obliged to do more than they do1 because they had not bound themselves to enclosure--would certainly have led me1 who am wicked1 straight to hell1 if our ,lord1 by so many remedies and means of ,his most singular mercy1 had not delivered me out of that danger--and it is1 ,i believe1 the very greatest danger--namely1 a monastery of women unenclosed--yea1 more1 ,i think it is1 for those who will be wicked1 a road to hell1 rather than a help to their weakness4 ,this is not to be understood of my monastery2 for there are so many there who in the utmost sincerity1 and in great perfection1 serve our ,lord1 so that ,his ,majesty1 according to ,his goodness1 cannot but be gracious unto them2 neither is it one of those which are most open for all religious observances are kept in it2 and ,i am speaking only of others which ,i have seen and known4 #f4 ,i am exceedingly sorry for these houses1 because our ,lord must of necessity send ,his special inspirations not merely once1 but many times1 if the nuns therein are to be saved1 seeing that the honours and amusements of the world are allowed among them1 and the obligations of their state are so ill-understood4 ,god grant they may not count that to be virtue which is sin1 as ,i did so often6 ,it is very difficult to make people understand this2 it is necessary our ,lord ,himself should take the matter seriously into ,his own hands4 #g4 ,if parents would take my advice1 now that they are at no pains to place their daughters where they may walk in the way of salvation without incurring a greater risk than they would do if they were left in the world1 let them look at least at that which concerns their good name4 ,let them marry them to persons of a much lower degree1 rather than place them in monasteries of this kind1 unless they be of extremely good inclinations1 and ,god grant that these inclinations may come to good6 or let them keep them at home4 ,if they will be wicked at home1 their evil life can be hidden only for a short time2 but in monasteries it can be hidden long1 and1 in the end1 it is our ,lord that discovers it4 ,they injure not only themselves1 but all the nuns also4 ,and all the while the poor things are not in fault2 for they walk in the way that is shown them4 ,many of them are to be pitied2 for they wished to withdraw from the world1 and1 thinking to escape from the dangers of it1 and that they were going to serve our ,lord1 have found themselves in ten worlds at once1 without knowing what to do1 or how to help themselves4 ,youth and sensuality and the devil invite them and incline them to follow certain ways which are of the essence of worldliness4 ,they see these ways1 so to speak1 considered as safe there4 #h4 ,now1 these seem to me to be in some degree like those wretched heretics who will make themselves blind1 and who will consider that which they do to be good1 and so believe1 but without really believing2 for they have within themselves something that tells them it is wrong4 #i4 ,oh1 what utter ruin6 utter ruin of religious persons--,i am not speaking now more of women than of men--where the rules of the ,order are not kept2 where the same monastery offers two roads3 one of virtue and observance1 the other of inobservance1 and both equally frequented6 ,i have spoken incorrectly3 they are not equally frequented2 for1 on account of our sins1 the way of the greatest imperfection is the most frequented2 and because it is the broadest1 it is also the most in favour4 ,the way of religious observance is so little used1 that the friar and the nun who would really begin to follow their vocation thoroughly have reason to fear the members of their communities more than all the devils together4 ,they must be more cautious1 and dissemble more1 when they would speak of that friendship with ,god which they desire to have1 than when they would speak of those friendships and affections which the devil arranges in monasteries4 ,i know not why we are astonished that the ,church is in so much trouble1 when we see those1 who ought to be an example of every virtue to others1 so disfigure the work which the spirit of the ,saints departed wrought in their ,orders4 ,may it please ,his ,divine ,majesty to apply a remedy to this1 as ,he sees it to be needful6 ,amen4 #aj4 ,so1 then1 when ,i began to indulge in these conversations1 ,i did not think1 seeing they were customary1 that my soul must be injured and dissipated1 as ,i afterwards found it must be1 by such conversations4 ,i thought that1 as receiving visits was so common in many monasteries1 no more harm would befall me thereby than befell others1 whom ,i knew to be good4 ,i did not observe that they were much better than ,i was1 and that an act which was perilous for me was not so perilous for them2 and yet ,i have no doubt there was some danger in it1 were it nothing else but a waste of time4 #aa4 ,i was once with a person--it was at the very beginning of my acquaintance with her when our ,lord was pleased to show me that these friendships were not good for me3 to warn me also1 and in my blindness1 which was so great1 to give me light4 ,christ stood before me1 stern and grave1 giving me to understand what in my conduct was offensive to ,him4 ,i saw ,him with the eyes of the soul more distinctly than ,i could have seen ,him with the eyes of the body4 ,the vision made so deep an impression upon me1 that1 though it is more than twenty-six years ago1 #c ,i seem to see ,him present even now4 ,i was greatly astonished and disturbed1 and ,i resolved not to see that person again4 #ab4 ,it did me much harm that ,i did not then know it was possible to see anything otherwise than with the eyes of the body2 #d so did ,satan too1 in that he helped me to think so3 he made me understand it to be impossible1 and suggested that ,i had imagined the vision--that it might be ,satan himself--and other suppositions of that kind4 ,for all this1 the impression remained with me that the vision was from ,god1 and not an imagination2 but1 as it was not to my liking1 ,i forced myself to lie to myself2 and as ,i did not dare to discuss the matter with any one1 and as great importunity was used1 ,i went back to my former conversation with the same person1 and with others also1 at different times2 for ,i was assured that there was no harm in seeing such a person1 and that ,i gained1 instead of losing1 reputation by doing so4 ,i spent many years in this pestilent amusement2 for it never appeared to me1 when ,i was engaged in it1 to be so bad as it really was1 though at times ,i saw clearly it was not good4 ,but no one caused me the same distraction which that person did of whom ,i am speaking2 and that was because ,i had a great affection for her4 #ac4 ,at another time1 when ,i was with that person1 we saw1 both of us1 and others who were present also saw1 something like a great toad crawling towards us1 more rapidly than such a creature is in the habit of crawling4 ,i cannot understand how a reptile of that kind could1 in the middle of the day1 have come forth from that place2 it never had done so before1 #e but the impression it made on me was such1 that ,i think it must have had a meaning2 neither have ,i ever forgotten it4 ,oh1 the greatness of ,god6 with what care and tenderness didst ,thou warn me in every way6 and how little ,i profited by those warnings6 #ad4 ,there was in that house a nun1 who was related to me1 now grown old1 a great servant of ,god1 and a strict observer of the rule4 ,she too warned me from time to time2 but ,i not only did not listen to her1 but was even offended1 thinking she was scandalized without cause4 ,i have mentioned this in order that my wickedness and the great goodness of ,god might be understood1 and to show how much ,i deserved hell for ingratitude so great1 and1 moreover1 if it should be our ,lord's will and pleasure that any nun at any time should read this1 that she might take warning by me4 ,i beseech them all1 for the love of our ,lord1 to flee from such recreations as these4 #ae4 ,may ,his ,majesty grant ,i may undeceive some one of the many ,i led astray when ,i told them there was no harm in these things1 and assured them there was no such great danger therein4 ,i did so because ,i was blind myself2 for ,i would not deliberately lead them astray4 ,by the bad example ,i set before them--,i spoke of this before #f--;,i was the occasion of much evil1 not thinking ,i was doing so much harm4 #af4 ,in those early days1 when ,i was ill1 and before ,i knew how to be of use to myself1 ,i had a very strong desire to further the progress of others3 #g a most common temptation of beginners4 ,with me1 however1 it had good results4 ,loving my father so much1 ,i longed to see him in the possession of that good which ,i seemed to derive myself from prayer4 ,i thought that in this life there could not be a greater good than prayer2 and by roundabout ways1 as well as ,i could1 ,i contrived make him enter upon it2 ,i gave him books for that end4 ,as he was so good--,i said so before #h--this exercise took such a hold upon him1 that in five or six years1 ,i think it was1 he made so great a progress that ,i used to praise our ,lord for it4 ,it was a very great consolation to me4 ,he had most grievous trials of diverse kinds2 and he bore them all with the greatest resignation4 ,he came often to see me2 for it was a comfort to him to speak of the things of ,god4 #ag4 ,and now that ,i had become so dissipated1 and had ceased to pray1 and yet saw that he still thought ,i was what ,i used to be1 ,i could not endure it1 and so undeceived him4 ,i had been a year and more without praying1 thinking it an act of greater humility to abstain4 ,this--,i shall speak of it again #i--was the greatest temptation ,i ever had1 because it very nearly wrought my utter ruin2 #aj for1 when ,i used to pray1 if ,i offended ,god one day1 on the following days ,i would recollect myself1 and withdraw farther from the occasions of sin4 #ah4 ,when that blessed man1 having that good opinion of me1 came to visit me1 it pained me to see him so deceived as to think that ,i used to pray to ,god as before4 ,so ,i told him that ,i did not pray2 but ,i did not tell him why4 ,i put my infirmities forward as an excuse2 for though ,i had recovered from that which was so troublesome1 ,i have always been weak1 even very much so2 and though my infirmities are somewhat less troublesome now than they were1 they still afflict me in many ways2 specially1 ,i have been suffering for twenty years from sickness every morning1 #aa so that ,i could not take any food till past mid-day1 and even occasionally not till later2 and now1 since my ,communions have become more frequent1 it is at night1 before ,i lie down to rest1 that the sickness occurs1 and with greater pain2 for ,i have to bring it on with a feather1 or other means4 ,if ,i do not bring it on1 ,i suffer more2 and thus ,i am never1 ,i believe1 free from great pain1 which is sometimes very acute1 especially about the heart2 though the fainting-fits are now but of rare occurrence4 ,i am also1 these eight years past1 free from the paralysis1 and from other infirmities of fever1 which ,i had so often4 ,these afflictions ,i now regard so lightly1 that ,i am even glad of them1 believing that our ,lord in some degree takes ,his pleasure in them4 #ai4 ,my father believed me when ,i gave him that for a reason1 as he never told a lie himself2 neither should ,i have done so1 considering the relation we were in4 ,i told him1 in order to be the more easily believed1 that it was much for me to be able to attend in choir1 though ,i saw clearly that this was no excuse whatever2 neither1 however1 was it a sufficient reason for giving up a practice which does not require1 of necessity1 bodily strength1 but only love and a habit thereof2 yet our ,lord always furnishes an opportunity for it1 if we but seek it4 ,i say always2 for though there may be times1 as in illness1 and from other causes1 when we cannot be much alone1 yet it never can be but there must be opportunities when our strength is sufficient for the purpose2 and in sickness itself1 and amidst other hindrances1 true prayer consists1 when the soul loves1 in offering up its burden1 and in thinking of ,him for ,whom it suffers1 and in the resignation of the will1 and in a thousand ways which then present themselves4 ,it is under these circumstances that love exerts itself for it is not necessarily prayer when we are alone2 and neither is it not prayer when we are not4 #bj4 ,with a little care1 we may find great blessings on those occasions when our ,lord1 by means of afflictions1 deprives us of time for prayer2 and so ,i found it when ,i had a good conscience4 ,but my father1 having that opinion of me which he had1 and because of the love he bore me1 believed all ,i told him2 moreover1 he was sorry for me2 and as he had now risen to great heights of prayer himself1 he never remained with me long2 for when he had seen me1 he went his way1 saying that he was wasting his time4 ,as ,i was wasting it in other vanities1 ,i cared little about this4 #ba4 ,my father was not the only person whom ,i prevailed upon to practise prayer1 though ,i was walking in vanity myself4 ,when ,i saw persons fond of reciting their prayers1 ,i showed them how to make a meditation1 and helped them and gave them books2 for from the time ,i began myself to pray1 as ,i said before1 #ab ,i always had a desire that others should serve ,god4 ,i thought1 now that ,i did not myself serve our ,lord according to the light ,i had1 that the knowledge ,his ,majesty had given me ought not to be lost1 and that others should serve ,him for me4 #ac ,i say this in order to explain the great blindness ,i was in3 going to ruin myself1 and labouring to save others4 #bb4 ,at this time1 that illness befell my father of which he died2 #ad it lasted some days4 ,i went to nurse him1 being more sick in spirit than he was in body1 owing to my many vanities--though not1 so far as ,i know1 to the extent of being in mortal sin--through the whole of that wretched time of which ,i am speaking2 for1 if ,i knew myself to be in mortal sin1 ,i would not have continued in it on any account4 ,i suffered much myself during his illness4 ,i believe ,i rendered him some service in return for what he had suffered in mine4 ,though ,i was very ill1 ,i did violence to myself2 and though in losing him ,i was to lose all the comfort and good of my life--he was all this to me--,i was so courageous1 that ,i never betrayed my sorrows1 concealing them till he was dead1 as if ,i felt none at all4 ,it seemed as if my very soul were wrenched when ,i saw him at the point of death--my love for him was so deep4 #bc4 ,it was a matter for which we ought to praise our ,lord--the death that he died1 and the desire he had to die2 so also was the advice he gave us after the last anointing1 how he charged us to recommend him to ,god1 and to pray for mercy for him1 how he bade us serve ,god always1 and consider how all things come to an end4 ,he told us with tears how sorry he was that he had not served ,him himself2 for he wished he was a friar--,i mean1 that he had been one in the ,strictest ,order that is4 ,i have a most assured conviction that our ,lord1 some fifteen days before1 had revealed to him he was not to live2 for up to that time1 though very ill1 he did not think so2 but now1 though he was somewhat better1 and the physicians said so1 he gave no heed to them1 but employed himself in the ordering of his soul4 #bd4 ,his chief suffering consisted in a most acute pain of the shoulders1 which never left him3 it was so sharp at times1 that it put him into great torture4 ,i said to him1 that as he had so great a devotion to our ,lord carrying ,his cross on ,his shoulders1 he should now think that ,his ,majesty wished him to feel somewhat of that pain which ,he then suffered ,himself4 ,this so comforted him1 that ,i do not think ,i heard him complain afterwards4 #be4 ,he remained three days without consciousness2 but on the day he died1 our ,lord restored him so completely1 that we were astonished3 he preserved his understanding to the last2 for in the middle of the creed1 which he repeated himself1 he died4 ,he lay there like an angel--such he seemed to me1 if ,i may say so1 both in soul and disposition3 he was very good4 #bf4 ,i know not why ,i have said this1 unless it be for the purpose of showing how much the more ,i am to be blamed for my wickedness2 for after seeing such a death1 and knowing what his life had been1 ,i1 in order to be in any wise like unto such a father1 ought to have grown better4 ,his confessor1 a most learned ,dominican1 #ae used to say that he had no doubt he went straight to heaven4 #af ,he had heard his confession for some years1 and spoke with praise of the purity of his conscience4 #bg4 ,this ,dominican father1 who was a very good man1 fearing ,god1 did me a very great service2 for ,i confessed to him4 ,he took upon himself the task of helping my soul in earnest1 and of making me see the perilous state ,i was in4 #ag ,he sent me to ,communion once a fortnight2 #ah and ,i1 by degrees beginning to speak to him1 told him about my prayer4 ,he charged me never to omit it3 that1 anyhow1 it could not do me anything but good4 ,i began to return to it--though ,i did not cut off the occasions of sin--and never afterwards gave it up4 ,my life became most wretched1 because ,i learned in prayer more and more of my faults4 ,on one side1 ,god was calling me2 on the other1 ,i was following the world4 ,all the things of ,god gave me great pleasure2 and ,i was a prisoner to the things of the world4 ,it seemed as if ,i wished to reconcile two contradictions1 so much at variance one with another as are the life of the spirit and the joys and pleasures and amusements of sense4 #ai #bh4 ,i suffered much in prayer2 for the spirit was slave1 and not master2 and so ,i was not able to shut myself up within myself--that was my whole method of prayer--without shutting up with me a thousand vanities at the same time4 ,i spent many years in this way2 and ,i am now astonished that any one could have borne it without abandoning either the one or the other4 ,i know well that it was not in my power then to give up prayer1 because ,he held me in ,his hand ,who sought me that ,he might show me greater mercies4 #bi4 ,o my ,god6 if ,i might1 ,i would speak of the occasions from which ,god delivered me1 and how ,i threw myself into them again2 and of the risks ,i ran of losing utterly my good name1 from which ,he delivered me4 ,i did things to show what ,i was2 and our ,lord hid the evil1 and revealed some little virtue--if so be ,i had any--and made it great in the eyes of all1 so that they always held me in much honour4 ,for although my follies came occasionally into light1 people would not believe it when they saw other things1 which they thought good4 ,the reason is1 that ,he ,who knoweth all things saw it was necessary it should be so1 in order that ,i might have some credit given me by those to whom in after years ,i was to speak of ,his service4 ,his supreme munificence regarded not my great sins1 but rather the desires ,i frequently had to please ,him1 and the pain ,i felt because ,i had not the strength to bring those desires to good effect4 #cj4 ,o ,lord of my soul6 how shall ,i be able to magnify the graces which ,thou1 in those years1 didst bestow upon me8 ,oh1 how1 at the very time that ,i offended ,thee most1 ,thou didst prepare me in a moment1 by a most profound compunction1 to taste of the sweetness of ,thy consolations and mercies6 ,in truth1 ,o my ,king1 ,thou didst administer to me the most delicate and painful chastisement it was possible for me to bear2 for ,thou knewest well what would have given me the most pain4 ,thou didst chastise my sins with great consolations4 ,i do not believe ,i am saying foolish things1 though it may well be that ,i am beside myself whenever ,i call to mind my ingratitude and my wickedness4 #ca4 ,it was more painful for me1 in the state ,i was in1 to receive graces1 when ,i had fallen into grievous faults1 than it would have been to receive chastisement2 for one of those faults1 ,i am sure1 used to bring me low1 shame and distress me1 more than many diseases1 together with many heavy trials1 could have done4 ,for1 as to the latter1 ,i saw that ,i deserved them2 and it seemed to me that by them ,i was making some reparation for my sins1 though it was but slight1 for my sins are so many4 ,but when ,i see myself receive graces anew1 after being so ungrateful for those already received1 that is to me--and1 ,i believe1 to all who have any knowledge or love of ,god--a fearful kind of torment4 ,we may see how true this is by considering what a virtuous mind must be4 ,hence my tears and vexation when ,i reflected on what ,i felt1 seeing myself in a condition to fall at every moment1 though my resolutions and desires then--,i am speaking of that time--were strong4 #cb4 ,it is a great evil for a soul to be alone in the midst of such great dangers2 it seems to me that if ,i had had any one with whom ,i could have spoken of all this1 it might have helped me not to fall4 ,i might1 at least1 have been ashamed before him--and yet ,i was not ashamed before ,god4 #cc4 ,for this reason1 ,i would advise those who give themselves to prayer1 particularly at first1 to form friendships2 and converse familiarly1 with others who are doing the same thing4 ,it is a matter of the last importance1 even if it lead only to helping one another by prayer3 how much more1 seeing that it has led to much greater gain6 ,now1 if in their intercourse one with another1 and in the indulgence of human affections even not of the best kind1 men seek friends with whom they may refresh themselves1 and for the purpose of having greater satisfaction in speaking of their empty joys1 ,i know no reason why it should not be lawful for him who is beginning to love and serve ,god in earnest to confide to another his joys and sorrows2 for they who are given to prayer are thoroughly accustomed to both4 #cd4 ,for if that friendship with ,god which he desires be real1 let him not be afraid of vain-glory2 and if the first movements thereof assail him1 he will escape from it with merit2 and ,i believe that he who will discuss the matter with this intention will profit both himself and those who hear him1 and thus will derive more light for his own understanding1 as well as for the instruction of his friends4 ,he who in discussing his method of prayer falls into vain-glory will do so also when he hears ,mass devoutly1 if he is seen of men1 and in doing other good works1 which must be done under pain of being no ,christian2 and yet these things must not be omitted through fear of vain-glory4 #ce4 ,moreover1 it is a most important matter for those souls who are not strong in virtue2 for they have so many people1 enemies as well as friends1 to urge them the wrong way1 that ,i do not see how this point is capable of exaggeration4 ,it seems to me that ,satan has employed this artifice--and it is of the greatest service to him--namely1 that men who really wish to love and please ,god should hide the fact1 while others1 at his suggestion1 make open show of their malicious dispositions2 and this is so common1 that it seems a matter of boasting now1 and the offences committed against ,god are thus published abroad4 #cf4 ,i do not know whether the things ,i am saying are foolish or not4 ,if they be so1 your reverence will strike them out4 ,i entreat you to help my simplicity by adding a good deal to this1 because the things that relate to the service of ,god are so feebly managed1 that it is necessary for those who would serve ,him to join shoulder to shoulder1 if they are to advance at all2 for it is considered safe to live amidst the vanities and pleasures of the world1 and few there be who regard them with unfavourable eyes4 ,but if any one begins to give himself up to the service of ,god1 there are so many to find fault with him1 that it becomes necessary for him to seek companions1 in order that he may find protection among them till he grows strong enough not to feel what he may be made to suffer4 ,if he does not1 he will find himself in great straits4 #cg4 ,this1 ,i believe1 must have been the reason why some of the ,saints withdrew into the desert4 ,and it is a kind of humility in man not to trust to himself1 but to believe that ,god will help him in his relations with those with whom he converses2 and charity grows by being diffused2 and there are a thousand blessings herein which ,i would not dare to speak of1 if ,i had not known by experience the great importance of it4 ,it is very true that ,i am the most wicked and the basest of all who are born of women2 but ,i believe that he who1 humbling himself1 though strong1 yet trusteth not in himself1 and believeth another who in this matter has had experience1 will lose nothing4 ,of myself ,i may say that1 if our ,lord had not revealed to me this truth1 and given me the opportunity of speaking very frequently to persons given to prayer1 ,i should have gone on falling and rising till ,i tumbled into hell4 ,i had many friends to help me to fall2 but as to rising again1 ,i was so much left to myself1 that ,i wonder now ,i was not always on the ground4 ,i praise ,god for ,his mercy2 for it was ,he only ,who stretched out ,his hand to me4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever6 ,amen4 #a4 ,see ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 xl42 but ch4 xxvii4 of the former editions4 #b4 ,see ,relation1 i4 #ah4 #c4 ,a4,d4 #aecg1 when the ,saint was twenty-two years old 7,bouix74 ,this passage1 therefore1 must be one of the additions to the second ,life2 for the first was written in #aefb1 twenty-five years only after the vision4 #d4 ,see ch4 xxvii4 #c4 #e4 ,in the parlour of the monastery of the ,incarnation1 ,avila1 a painting of this is preserved to this day 7,de la ,fuente74 #f4 ,ch4 vi4 #d4 #g4 ,see ,inner ,fortress1 v4 iii4 #a4 #h4 ,ch4 i4 i4 #i4 ,ch4 xix4 #i1 #ag4 #aj4 ,see #b1 above4 #aa4 ,see ch4 xi4 #bc3 ,inner ,fortress1 vi4 i4 #h4 #ab4 #af4 #ac4 ,see ,inner ,fortress1 v4 iii4 #a4 #ad4 ,in #aeda1 when the ,saint was twenty-five years of age 7,bouix74 #ae4 ,f4 ,vicente ,barron 7,reforma1 lib4 i4 ch4 xv474 #af4 ,see ch4 xxxviii4 #a4 #ag4 ,see ch4 xix4 #ai4 #ah4 ,the ,spanish editor calls attention to this as a proof of great laxity in those days--that a nun like ,st4 ,teresa should be urged to communicate as often as once in a fortnight4 #ai4 ,see ch4 xiii4 #g1 #h4 ,chapter ,,viii4 ,the ,saint ,ceases ,not to ,pray4 ,prayer the ,way to ,recover ,what ,is ,lost4 ,all ,exhorted to ,pray4 ,the ,great ,advantage of ,prayer1 ,even to ,those ,who ,may ,have ,ceased from ,it4 #a4 ,it is not without reason that ,i have dwelt so long on this portion of my life4 ,i see clearly that it will give no one pleasure to see anything so base2 and certainly ,i wish those who may read this to have me in abhorrence1 as a soul so obstinate and so ungrateful to ,him ,who did so much for me4 ,i could wish1 too1 ,i had permission to say how often at this time ,i failed in my duty to ,god1 because ,i was not leaning on the strong pillar of prayer4 ,i passed nearly twenty years on this stormy sea1 falling and rising1 but rising to no good purpose1 seeing that ,i went and fell again4 ,my life was one of perfection2 but it was so mean1 that ,i scarcely made any account whatever of venial sins2 and though of mortal sins ,i was afraid1 ,i was not so afraid of them as ,i ought to have been1 because ,i did not avoid the perilous occasions of them4 ,i may say that it was the most painful life that can be imagined1 because ,i had no sweetness in ,god1 and no pleasure in the world4 #b4 ,when ,i was in the midst of the pleasures of the world1 the remembrance of what ,i owed to ,god made me sad2 and when ,i was praying to ,god1 my worldly affections disturbed me4 ,this is so painful a struggle1 that ,i know not how ,i could have borne it for a month1 let alone for so many years4 ,nevertheless1 ,i can trace distinctly the great mercy of our ,lord to me1 while thus immersed in the world1 in that ,i had still the courage to pray4 ,i say courage1 because ,i know of nothing in the whole world which requires greater courage than plotting treason against the ,king1 knowing that ,he knows it1 and yet never withdrawing from ,his presence2 for1 granting that we are always in the presence of ,god1 yet it seems to me that those who pray arc in ,his presence in a very different sense2 for they1 as it were1 see that ,he is looking upon them2 while others may be for days together without even once recollecting that ,god sees them4 #c4 ,it is true1 indeed1 that during these years there were many months1 and1 ,i believe1 occasionally a whole year1 in which ,i so kept guard over myself that ,i did not offend our ,lord1 gave myself much to prayer1 and took some pains1 and that successfully1 not to offend ,him4 ,i speak of this now1 because all ,i am saying is strictly true2 but ,i remember very little of those good days1 and so they must have been few1 while my evil days were many4 ,still1 the days that passed over without my spending a great part of them in prayer were few1 unless ,i was very ill1 or very much occupied4 #d4 ,when ,i was ill1 ,i was well with ,god4 ,i contrived that those about me should be so1 too1 and ,i made supplications to our ,lord for this grace1 and spoke frequently of ,him4 ,thus1 with the exception of that year of which ,i have been speaking1 during eight-and-twenty years of prayer1 ,i spent more than eighteen in that strife and contention which arose out of my attempts to reconcile ,god and the world4 ,as to the other years1 of which ,i have now to speak1 in them the grounds of the warfare1 though it was not slight1 were changed2 but inasmuch as ,i was--at least1 ,i think so--serving ,god1 and aware of the vanity of the world1 all has been pleasant1 as ,i shall show hereafter4 #a #e4 ,the reason1 then1 of my telling this at so great a length is that1 as ,i have just said1 #b the mercy of ,god and my ingratitude1 on the one hand1 may become known2 and1 on the other1 that men may understand how great is the good which ,god works in a soul when ,he gives it a disposition to pray in earnest1 though it may not be so well prepared as it ought to be4 ,if that soul perseveres in spite of sins1 temptations1 and relapses1 brought about in a thousand ways by ,satan1 our ,lord will bring it at last--,i am certain of it--to the harbour of salvation1 as ,he has brought me myself2 for so it seems to me now4 ,may ,his ,majesty grant ,i may never go back and be lost6 ,he who gives himself to prayer is in possession of a great blessing1 of which many saintly and good men have written--,i am speaking of mental prayer--glory be to ,god for it2 and1 if they had not done so1 ,i am not proud enough1 though ,i have but little humility1 to presume to discuss it4 #f4 ,i may speak of that which ,i know by experience2 and so ,i say1 let him never cease from prayer who has once begun it1 be his life ever so wicked2 for prayer is the way to amend it1 and without prayer such amendment will be much more difficult4 ,let him not be tempted by ,satan1 as ,i was1 to give it up1 on the pretence of humility2 #c let him rather believe that ,his words are true ,who says that1 if we truly repent1 and resolve never to offend ,him1 ,he will take us into ,his favour again1 #d give us the graces ,he gave us before1 and occasionally even greater1 if our repentance deserve it4 ,and as to him who has not begun to pray1 ,i implore him by the love of our ,lord not to deprive himself of so great a good4 #g4 ,herein there is nothing to be afraid of1 but everything to hope for4 ,granting that such a one does not advance1 nor make an effort to become perfect1 so as to merit the joys and consolations which the perfect receive from ,god1 yet he will by little and little attain to a knowledge of the road which leads to heaven4 ,and if he perseveres1 ,i hope in the mercy of ,god for him1 seeing that no one ever took ,him for his friend that was not amply rewarded2 for mental prayer is nothing else1 in my opinion1 but being on terms of friendship with ,god1 frequently conversing in secret with ,him ,who1 we know1 loves us4 ,now1 true love and lasting friendship require certain dispositions3 those of our ,lord1 we know1 are absolutely perfect2 ours1 vicious1 sensual1 and thankless2 and you cannot therefore1 bring yourselves to love ,him as ,he loves you1 because you have not the disposition to do so2 and if you do not love ,him1 yet1 seeing how much it concerns you to have ,his friendship1 and how great is ,his love for you1 rise above that pain you feel at being much with ,him ,who is so different from you4 #h4 ,o infinite goodness of my ,god6 ,i seem to see ,thee and myself in this relation to one another4 ,o ,joy of the angels6 when ,i consider it1 ,i wish ,i could wholly die of love6 ,how true it is that ,thou endurest those who will not endure ,thee6 ,oh1 how good a friend art ,thou1 ,o my ,lord6 how ,thou comfortest and endurest1 and also waitest for them to make themselves like unto ,thee1 and yet1 in the meanwhile1 art ,thyself so patient of the state they are in6 ,thou takest into account the occasions during which they seek ,thee1 and for a moment of penitence forgettest their offences against ,thyself4 #i4 ,i have seen this distinctly in my own case1 and ,i cannot tell why the whole world does not labour to draw near to ,thee in this particular friendship4 ,the wicked1 who do not resemble ,thee1 ought to do so1 in order that ,thou mayest make them good1 and for that purpose should permit ,thee to remain with them at least for two hours daily1 even though they may not remain with ,thee but1 as ,i used to do1 with a thousand distractions1 and with worldly thoughts4 ,in return for this violence which they offer to themselves for the purpose of remaining in a company so good as ,thine--for at first they can do no more1 and even afterwards at times--,thou1 ,o ,lord1 defendest them against the assaults of evil spirits1 whose power ,thou restrainest1 and even lessenest daily1 giving to them the victory over these their enemies4 ,so it is1 ,o ,life of all lives1 ,thou slayest none that put their trust in ,thee1 and seek ,thy friendship2 yea1 rather1 ,thou sustainest their bodily life in greater vigour1 and makest their soul to live4 #aj4 ,i do not understand what there can be to make them afraid who are afraid to begin mental prayer1 nor do ,i know what it is they dread4 ,the devil does well to bring this fear upon us1 that he may really hurt us by putting me in fear1 he can make me cease from thinking of my offences against ,god1 of the great debt ,i owe ,him1 of the existence of heaven and hell1 and of the great sorrows and trials ,he underwent for me4 ,that was all my prayer1 and had been1 when ,i was in this dangerous state1 and it was on those subjects ,i dwelt whenever ,i could2 and very often1 for some years1 ,i was more occupied with the wish to see the end of the time ,i had appointed for myself to spend in prayer1 and in watching the hour-glass1 than with other thoughts that were good4 ,if a sharp penance had been laid upon me1 ,i know of none that ,i would not very often have willingly undertaken1 rather than prepare myself for prayer by self-recollection4 ,and certainly the violence with which ,satan assailed me was so irresistible1 or my evil habits were so strong1 that ,i did not betake myself to prayer2 and the sadness ,i felt on entering the oratory was so great1 that it required all the courage ,i had to force myself in4 ,they say of me that my courage is not slight1 and it is known that ,god has given me a courage beyond that of a woman2 but ,i have made a bad use of it4 ,in the end1 our ,lord came to my help2 and then1 when ,i had done this violence to myself1 ,i found greater peace and joy than ,i sometimes had when ,i had a desire to pray4 #aa4 ,if1 then1 our ,lord bore so long with me1 who was so wicked--and it is plain that it was by prayer all my evil was corrected--why should any one1 how wicked soever he may be1 have any fear8 ,let him be ever so wicked1 he will not remain in his wickedness so many years as ,i did1 after receiving so many graces from our ,lord4 ,is there any one who can despair1 when ,he bore so long with me1 only because ,i desired and contrived to find some place and some opportunities for ,him to be alone with me--and that very often against my will8 for ,i did violence to myself1 or rather our ,lord ,himself did violence to me4 #ab4 ,if1 then1 to those who do not serve ,god1 but rather offend ,him1 prayer be all this1 and so necessary1 and if no one can really find out any harm it can do him1 and if the omission of it be not a still greater harm1 why1 then1 should they abstain from it who serve and desire to serve ,god8 ,certainly ,i cannot comprehend it1 unless it be that men have a mind to go through the troubles of this life in greater misery1 and to shut the door in the face of ,god1 so that ,he shall give them no comfort in it4 ,i am most truly sorry for them1 because they serve ,god at their own cost2 for of those who pray1 ,god ,himself defrays the charges1 seeing that for a little trouble ,he gives sweetness1 in order that1 by the help it supplies1 they may bear their trials4 #ac4 ,but because ,i have much to say hereafter of this sweetness1 which our ,lord gives to those who persevere in prayer1 #e ,i do not speak of it here2 only this will ,i say3 prayer is the door to those great graces which our ,lord bestowed upon me4 ,if this door be shut1 ,i do not see how ,he can bestow them2 for even if ,he entered into a soul to take ,his delight therein1 and to make that soul also delight in ,him1 there is no way by which ,he can do so2 for ,his will is1 that such a soul should be lonely and pure1 with a great desire to receive ,his graces4 ,if we put many hindrances in the way1 and take no pains whatever to remove them1 how can ,he come to us1 and how can we have any desire that ,he should show us ,his great mercies8 #ad4 ,i will speak now--for it is very important to understand it--of the assaults which ,satan directs against a soul for the purpose of taking it1 and of the contrivances and compassion wherewith our ,lord labours to convert it to ,himself1 in order that men may behold ,his mercy1 and the great good it was for me that ,i did not give up prayer and spiritual reading1 and that they may be on their guard against the dangers against which ,i was not on my guard myself4 ,and1 above all1 ,i implore them for the love of our ,lord1 and for the great love with which ,he goeth about seeking our conversion to ,himself1 to beware of the occasions of sin2 for once placed therein1 we have no ground to rest on--so many enemies then assail us1 and our own weakness is such1 that we cannot defend ourselves4 #ae4 ,oh1 that ,i knew how to describe the captivity of my soul in those days6 ,i understood perfectly that ,i was in captivity1 but ,i could not understand the nature of it2 neither could ,i entirely believe that those things which my confessors did not make so much of were so wrong as ,i in my soul felt them to be4 ,one of them--,i had gone to him with a scruple--told me that1 even if ,i were raised to high contemplation1 those occasions and conversations were not unfitting for me4 ,this was towards the end1 when1 by the grace of ,god1 ,i was withdrawing more and more from those great dangers1 but not wholly from the occasions of them4 #af4 ,when they saw my good desires1 and how ,i occupied myself in prayer1 ,i seemed to them to have done much2 but my soul knew that this was not doing what ,i was bound to do for ,him to ,whom ,i owed so much4 ,i am sorry for my poor soul even now1 because of its great sufferings1 and the little help it had from any one except ,god1 and for the wide door that man opened for it1 that it might go forth to its pastimes and pleasures1 when they said that these things were lawful4 #ag4 ,then there was the torture of sermons1 and that not a slight one2 for ,i was very fond of them4 ,if ,i heard any one preach well and with unction1 ,i felt1 without my seeking it1 a particular affection for him1 neither do ,i know whence it came4 ,thus1 no sermon ever seemed to me so bad1 but that ,i listened to it with pleasure2 though1 according to others who heard it1 the preaching was not good4 ,if it was a good sermon1 it was to me a most special refreshment4 ,to speak of ,god1 or to hear ,him spoken of1 never wearied me4 ,i am speaking of the time after ,i gave myself to prayer4 ,at one time ,i had great comfort in sermons1 at another they distressed me1 because they made me feel that ,i was very far from being what ,i ought to have been4 #ah4 ,i used to pray to our ,lord for help2 but1 as it now seems to me1 ,i must have committed the fault of not putting my whole trust in ,his ,majesty1 and of not thoroughly distrusting myself4 ,i sought for help1 took great pains2 but it must be that ,i did not understand how all is of little profit if we do not root out all confidence in ourselves1 and place it wholly in ,god4 ,i wished to live1 but ,i saw clearly that ,i was not living1 but rather wrestling with the shadow of death2 there was no one to give me life1 and ,i was not able to take it4 ,he ,who could have given it me had good reasons for not coming to my aid1 seeing that ,he had brought me back to ,himself so many times1 and ,i as often had left ,him4 #a4 ,ch4 ix4 #aj4 #b4 #a1 above4 #c4 ,ch4 vii4 #ag2 ch4 xix4 #h4 #d4 ,ezech4 xviii4 #ba3 ,si autem impius egerit poenitentiam1 4 4 4 vita vivet1 et non morietur4 ,omnium iniquitatum ejus 4 4 4 non recordabor4 #e4 ,see ch4 x4 #b1 and ch4 xi4 #bb4 ,chapter ,,ix4 ,the ,means ,whereby ,our ,lord ,quickened ,her ,soul1 ,gave ,her ,light in ,her ,darkness1 and ,made ,her ,strong in ,goodness4 #a4 ,my soul was now grown weary2 and the miserable habits it had contracted would not suffer it to rest1 though it was desirous of doing so4 ,it came to pass one day1 when ,i went into the oratory1 that ,i saw a picture which they had put by there1 and which had been procured for a certain feast observed in the house4 ,it was a representation of ,christ most grievously wounded2 and so devotional1 that the very sight of it1 when ,i saw it1 moved me--so well did it show forth that which ,he suffered for us4 ,so keenly did ,i feel the evil return ,i had made for those wounds1 that ,i thought my heart was breaking4 ,i threw myself on the ground beside it1 my tears flowing plenteously1 and implored ,him to strengthen me once for all1 so that ,i might never offend ,him any more4 #b4 ,i had a very great devotion to the glorious ,magdalene1 and very frequently used to think of her conversion--especially when ,i went to ,communion4 ,as ,i knew for certain that our ,lord was then within me1 ,i used to place myself at ,his feet1 thinking that my tears would not be despised4 ,i did not know what ,i was saying2 only ,he did great things for me1 in that ,he was pleased ,i should shed those tears1 seeing that ,i so soon forgot that impression4 ,i used to recommend myself to that glorious ,saint1 that she might obtain my pardon4 #c4 ,but this last time1 before that picture of which ,i am speaking1 ,i seem to have made greater progress2 for ,i was now very distrustful of myself1 placing all my confidence in ,god4 ,it seems to me that ,i said to ,him then that ,i would not rise up till ,he granted my petition4 ,i do certainly believe that this was of great service to me1 because ,i have grown better ever since4 #a #d4 ,this was my method of prayer3 as ,i could not make reflections with my understanding1 ,i contrived to picture ,christ as within me2 #b and ,i used to find myself the better for thinking of those mysteries of ,his life during which ,he was most lonely4 ,it seemed to me that the being alone and afflicted1 like a person in trouble1 must needs permit me to come near unto ,him4 #e4 ,i did many simple things of this kind2 and in particular ,i used to find myself most at home in the prayer in the ,garden1 whither ,i went in ,his company4 ,i thought of the bloody sweat1 and of the affliction ,he endured there2 ,i wished1 if it had been possible1 to wipe away that painful sweat from ,his face2 but ,i remember that ,i never dared to form such a resolution--my sins stood before me so grievously4 ,i used to remain with ,him there as long as my thoughts allowed me1 and ,i had many thoughts to torment me4 ,for many years1 nearly every night before ,i fell asleep1 when ,i recommended myself to ,god1 that ,i might sleep in peace1 ,i used always to think a little of this mystery of the prayer in the ,garden--yea1 even before ,i was a nun1 because ,i had been told that many indulgences were to be gained thereby4 ,for my part1 ,i believe that my soul gained very much in this way1 because ,i began to practise prayer without knowing what it was2 and now that it had become my constant habit1 ,i was saved from omitting it1 as ,i was from omitting to bless myself with the sign of the cross before ,i slept4 #f4 ,and now to go back to what ,i was saying of the torture which my thoughts inflicted upon me4 ,this method of praying1 in which the understanding makes no reflections1 hath this property3 the soul must gain much1 or lose4 ,i mean1 that those who advance without meditation1 make great progress1 because it is done by love4 ,but to attain to this involves great labour1 except to those persons whom it is our ,lord's good pleasure to lead quickly to the prayer of quiet4 ,i know of some4 ,for those who walk in this way1 a book is profitable1 that by the help thereof they may the more quickly recollect themselves4 ,it was a help to me also to look on fields1 water1 and flowers4 #c ,in them ,i saw traces of the ,creator--,i mean1 that the sight of these things was as a book unto me2 it roused me1 made me recollected1 and reminded me of my ingratitude and of my sins4 ,my understanding was so dull1 that ,i could never represent in the imagination either heavenly or high things in any form whatever until our ,lord placed them before me in another way4 #d #g4 ,i was so little able to put things before me by the help of my understanding1 that1 unless ,i saw a thing with my eyes1 my imagination was of no use whatever4 ,i could not do as others do1 who can put matters before themselves so as to become thereby recollected4 ,i was able to think of ,christ only as man4 ,but so it was2 and ,i never could form any image of ,him to myself1 though ,i read much of ,his beauty1 and looked at pictures of ,him4 ,i was like one who is blind1 or in the dark1 who1 though speaking to a person present1 and feeling his presence1 because he knows for certain that he is present--,i mean1 that he understands him to be present1 and believes it--yet does not see him4 ,it was thus with me when ,i used to think of our ,lord4 ,this is why ,i was so fond of images4 ,wretched are they who1 through their own fault1 have lost this blessing2 it is clear enough that they do not love our ,lord--for if they loved ,him1 they would rejoice at the sight of ,his picture1 just as men find pleasure when they see the portrait of one they love4 #h4 ,at this time1 the ,confessions of ,st4 ,augustine were given me4 ,our ,lord seems to have so ordained it1 for ,i did not seek them myself1 neither had ,i ever seen them before4 ,i had a very great devotion to ,st4 ,augustine1 because the monastery in which ,i lived when ,i was yet in the world was of his ,order2 #e and also because he had been a sinner--for ,i used to find great comfort in those ,saints whom1 after they had sinned1 our ,lord converted to ,himself4 ,i thought they would help me1 and that1 as our ,lord had forgiven them1 so also ,he would forgive me4 ,one thing1 however1 there was that troubled me--,i have spoken of it before #f--our ,lord had called them but once1 and they never relapsed2 while my relapses were now so many4 ,this it was that vexed me4 ,but calling to mind the love that ,he bore me1 ,i took courage again4 ,of ,his mercy ,i never doubted once1 but ,i did very often of myself4 #i4 ,o my ,god1 ,i amazed at the hardness of my heart amidst so many succours from ,thee4 ,i am filled with dread when ,i see how little ,i could do with myself1 and how ,i was clogged1 so that ,i could not resolve to give myself entirely to ,god4 ,when ,i began to read the ,confessions1 ,i thought ,i saw myself there described1 and began to recommend myself greatly to this glorious ,saint4 ,when ,i came to his conversion1 and read how he heard that voice in the garden1 it seemed to me nothing less than that our ,lord had uttered it for me3 ,i felt so in my heart4 ,i remained for some time lost in tears1 in great inward affliction and distress4 ,o my ,god1 what a soul has to suffer because it has lost the liberty it had of being mistress over itself6 and what torments it has to endure6 ,i wonder now how ,i could live in torments so great3 ,god be praised ,who gave me life1 so that ,i might escape from so fatal a death6 ,i believe that my soul obtained great strength from ,his ,divine ,majesty1 and that ,he must have heard my cry1 and had compassion upon so many tears4 #aj4 ,a desire to spend more time with ,him began to grow within me1 and also to withdraw from the occasions of sin3 for as soon as ,i had done so1 ,i turned lovingly to ,his ,majesty at once4 ,i understood clearly1 as ,i thought1 that ,i loved ,him2 but ,i did not understand1 as ,i ought to have understood it1 wherein the true love of ,god consists4 ,i do not think ,i had yet perfectly disposed myself to seek ,his service when ,his ,majesty turned towards me with ,his consolations4 ,what others strive after with great labour1 our ,lord seems to have looked out for a way to make me willing to accept--that is1 in these later years to give me joy and comfort4 ,but as for asking our ,lord to give me either these things or sweetness in devotion1 ,i never dared to do it2 the only thing ,i prayed ,him to give me was the grace never to offend ,him1 together with the forgiveness of my great sins4 ,when ,i saw that my sins were so great1 ,i never ventured deliberately to ask for consolation or for sweetness4 ,he had compassion enough upon me1 ,i think--and1 in truth1 ,he dealt with me according to ,his great mercy--when ,he allowed me to stand before ,him1 and when ,he drew me into ,his presence2 for ,i saw that1 if ,he had not drawn me1 ,i should not have come at all4 #aa4 ,once only in my life do ,i remember asking for consolation1 being at the time in great aridities4 ,when ,i considered what ,i had done1 ,i was so confounded1 that the very distress ,i suffered from seeing how little humility ,i had1 brought me that which ,i had been so bold as to ask for4 ,i knew well that it was lawful to pray for it2 but it seemed to me that it is lawful only for those who are in good dispositions1 who have sought with all their might to attain to true devotion--that is1 not to offend ,god1 and to be disposed and resolved for all goodness4 ,i looked upon those tears of mine as womanish and weak1 seeing that ,i did not obtain my desires by them2 nevertheless1 ,i believe that they did me some service2 for1 specially after those two occasions of great compunction and sorrow of heart1 #g accompanied by tears1 of which ,i am speaking1 ,i began in an especial way to give myself more to prayer1 and to occupy myself less with those things which did me harm--though ,i did not give them up altogether4 ,but ,god ,himself1 as ,i have just said1 came to my aid1 and helped me to turn away from them4 ,as ,his ,majesty was only waiting for some preparation on my part1 the spiritual graces grew in me as ,i shall now explain4 ,it is not the custom of our ,lord to give these graces to any but to those who keep their consciences in greater pureness4 #h #a4 ,in the year #aeee 7,bouix74 #b4 ,see ch4 iv4 #aj2 ch4 x4 #a4 #c4 ,see ,relation1 i4 #ab4 #d4 ,see ch4 iv4 #aa4 #e4 ,ch4 ii4 #h4 #f4 ,in the ,prologue4 #g4 #a4 #h4 ,ch4 iv4 #aa4 ,chapter ,x4 ,the ,graces ,she ,received in ,prayer4 ,what ,we ,can ,do ,ourselves4 ,the ,great ,importance of ,understanding ,what ,our ,lord ,is ,doing for ,us4 ,she ,desires ,her ,confessors to ,keep ,her ,writings ,secret1 ,because of the ,special ,graces of ,our ,lord to ,her1 ,which ,they ,had ,commanded ,her to ,describe4 #a4 ,i used to have at times1 as ,i have said1 #a though it used to pass quickly away--certain commencements of that which ,i am going now to describe4 ,when ,i formed those pictures within myself of throwing myself at the feet of ,christ1 as ,i said before1 #b and sometimes even when ,i was reading1 a feeling of the presence of ,god would come over me unexpectedly1 so that ,i could in no wise doubt either that ,he was within me1 or that ,i was wholly absorbed in ,him4 ,it was not by way of vision2 ,i believe it was what is called mystical theology4 ,the soul is suspended in such a way that it seems to be utterly beside itself4 ,the will loves2 the memory1 so it seems to me1 is as it were lost2 and the understanding1 so ,i think1 makes no reflections--yet is not lost3 as ,i have just said1 it is not at work1 but it stands as if amazed at the greatness of the things it understands2 for ,god wills it to understand that it understands nothing whatever of that which ,his ,majesty places before it4 #b4 ,before this1 ,i had a certain tenderness of soul which was very abiding1 partially attainable1 ,i believe1 in some measure1 by our own efforts3 a consolation which is not wholly in the senses1 nor yet altogether in the spirit1 but is all of it the gift of ,god4 ,however1 ,i think we can contribute much towards the attaining of it by considering our vileness and our ingratitude towards ,god--the great things ,he has done for us--,his ,passion1 with its grievous pains--and ,his life1 so full of sorrows2 also1 by rejoicing in the contemplation of ,his works1 of ,his greatness1 and of the love that ,he bears us4 ,many other considerations there are which he who really desires to make progress will often stumble on1 though he may not be very much on the watch for them4 ,if with this there be a little love1 the soul is comforted1 the heart is softened1 and tears flow4 ,sometimes it seems that we do violence to ourselves and weep2 at other times1 our ,lord seems to do so1 so that we have no power to resist ,him4 ,his ,majesty seems to reward this slight carefulness of ours with so grand a gift as is this consolation which ,he ministers to the soul of seeing itself weeping for so great a ,lord4 ,i am not surprised2 for the soul has reason enough1 and more than enough1 for its joy4 ,here it comforts itself--here it rejoices4 #c4 ,the comparison which now presents itself seems to me to be good4 ,these joys in prayer are like what those of heaven must be4 ,as the vision of the saints1 which is measured by their merits there1 reaches no further than our ,lord wills1 and as the blessed see how little merit they had1 every one of them is satisfied with the place assigned him3 there being the very greatest difference between one joy and another in heaven1 and much greater than between one spiritual joy and another on earth--which is1 however1 very great4 ,and in truth1 in the beginning1 a soul in which ,god works this grace thinks that now it has scarcely anything more to desire1 and counts itself abundantly rewarded for all the service it has rendered ,him4 ,and there is reason for this3 for one of those tears--which1 as ,i have just said1 are almost in our own power1 though without ,god nothing can be done--cannot1 in my opinion1 be purchased with all the labours of the world1 because of the great gain it brings us4 ,and what greater gain can we have than some testimony of our having pleased ,god8 ,let him1 then1 who shall have attained to this1 give praise unto ,god--acknowledge himself to be one of ,his greatest debtors2 because it seems to be ,his will to take him into ,his house1 having chosen him for ,his kingdom1 if he does not turn back4 #d4 ,let him not regard certain kinds of humility which exist1 and of which ,i mean to speak4 #c ,some think it humility not to believe that ,god is bestowing ,his gifts upon them4 ,let us clearly understand this1 and that it is perfectly clear ,god bestows ,his gifts without any merit whatever on our part2 and let us be grateful to ,his ,majesty for them2 for if we do not recognize the gifts received at ,his hands1 we shall never be moved to love ,him4 ,it is a most certain truth1 that the richer we see ourselves to be1 confessing at the same time our poverty1 the greater will be our progress1 and the more real our humility4 #e4 ,an opposite course tends to take away all courage2 for we shall think ourselves incapable of great blessings1 if we begin to frighten ourselves with the dread of vain-glory when our ,lord begins to show ,his mercy upon us4 #d ,let us believe that ,he ,who gives these gifts will also1 when the devil begins to tempt us herein1 give us the grace to detect him1 and the strength to resist him--that is1 ,he will do so if we walk in simplicity before ,god1 aiming at pleasing ,him only1 and not men4 ,it is a most evident truth1 that our love for a person is greater1 the more distinctly we remember the good he has done us4 #f4 ,if1 then1 it is lawful1 and so meritorious1 always to remember that we have our being from ,god1 that ,he has created us out of nothing1 that ,he preserves us1 and also to remember all the benefits of ,his death and ,passion1 which ,he suffered long before ,he made us for every one of us now alive--why should it not be lawful for me to discern1 confess1 and consider often that ,i was once accustomed to speak of vanities1 and that now our ,lord has given me the grace to speak only of ,himself8 #g4 ,here1 then1 is a precious pearl1 which1 when we remember that it is given us1 and that we have it in possession1 powerfully invites us to love4 ,all this is the fruit of prayer founded on humility4 ,what1 then1 will it be when we shall find ourselves in possession of other pearls of greater price1 such as contempt of the world and of self1 which some servants of ,god have already received8 ,it is clear that such souls must consider themselves greater debtors--under greater obligations to serve ,him3 we must acknowledge that we have nothing of ourselves1 and confess the munificence of our ,lord1 ,who1 on a soul so wretched and poor1 and so utterly undeserving1 as mine is1--for whom the first of these pearls was enough1 and more than enough1--would bestow greater riches than ,i could desire4 #h4 ,we must renew our strength to serve ,him1 and strive not to be ungrateful1 because it is on this condition that our ,lord dispenses ,his treasures2 for if we do not make a good use of them1 and of the high estate to which ,he raises us1 ,he will return and take them from us1 and we shall be poorer than ever4 ,his ,majesty will give the pearls to him who shall bring them forth and employ them usefully for himself and others4 ,for how shall he be useful1 and how shall he spend liberally1 who does not know that he is rich8 ,it is not possible1 ,i think1 our nature being what it is1 that he can have the courage necessary for great things who does not know that ,god is on his side2 for so miserable are we1 so inclined to the things of this world1 that he can hardly have any real abhorrence of1 with great detachment from1 all earthly things who does not see that he holds some pledges for those things that are above4 ,it is by these gifts that our ,lord gives us that strength which we through our sins have lost4 #i4 ,a man will hardly wish to be held in contempt and abhorrence1 nor will he seek after the other great virtues to which the perfect attain1 if he has not some pledges of the love which ,god bears him1 together with a living faith4 ,our nature is so dead1 that we go after that which we see immediately before us2 and it is these graces1 therefore1 that quicken and strengthen our faith4 ,it may well be that ,i1 who am so wicked1 measure others by myself1 and that others require nothing more than the verities of the faith1 in order to render their works most perfect2 while ,i1 wretched that ,i am6 have need of everything4 #aj4 ,others will explain this4 ,i speak from my own experience1 as ,i have been commanded2 and if what ,i say be not correct1 let him #e to whom ,i send it destroy it2 for he knows better than ,i do what is wrong in it4 ,i entreat him1 for the love of our ,lord1 to publish abroad what ,i have thus far said of my wretched life1 and of my sins4 ,i give him leave to do so2 and to all my confessors1 also1--of whom he is one--to whom this is to be sent1 if it be their pleasure1 even during my life1 so that ,i may no longer deceive people who think there must be some good in me4 #f ,certainly1 ,i speak in all sincerity1 so far as ,i understand myself4 ,such publication will give me great comfort4 #aa4 ,but as to that which ,i am now going to say1 ,i give no such leave2 nor1 if it be shown to any one1 do ,i consent to its being said who the person is whose experience it describes1 nor who wrote it4 ,this is why ,i mention neither my own name1 nor that of any other person whatever4 ,i have written it in the best way ,i could1 in order not to be known2 and this ,i beg of them for the love of ,god4 ,persons so learned and grave as they are #g have authority enough to approve of whatever right things ,i may say1 should our ,lord give me the grace to do so2 and if ,i should say anything of the kind1 it will be ,his1 and not mine--because ,i am neither learned nor of good life1 and ,i have no person of learning or any other to teach me2 for they only who ordered me to write know that ,i am writing1 and at this moment they are not here4 ,i have1 as it were1 to steal the time1 and that with difficulty1 because my writing hinders me from spinning4 ,i am living in a house that is poor1 and have many things to do4 #h ,if1 indeed1 our ,lord had given me greater abilities and a better memory1 ,i might then profit by what ,i have seen and read2 but my abilities are very slight4 ,if1 then1 ,i should say anything that is right1 our ,lord will have it said for some good purpose2 that which may be wrong will be mine1 and your reverence will strike it out4 #ab4 ,in neither case will it be of any use to publish my name3 during my life1 it is clear that no good ,i may have done ought to be told2 after death1 there is no reason against it1 except that it will lose all authority and credit1 because related of a person so vile and so wicked as ,i am4 ,and because ,i think your reverence and the others who may see this writing will do this that ,i ask of you1 for the love of our ,lord1 ,i write with freedom4 ,if it were not so1 ,i should have great scruples1 except in declaring my sins3 and in that matter ,i should have none at all4 ,for the rest1 it is enough that ,i am a woman to make my sails droop3 how much more1 then1 when ,i am a woman1 and a wicked one8 #ac4 ,so1 then1 everything here beyond the simple story of my life your reverence must take upon yourself--since you have so pressed me to give some account of the graces which our ,lord bestowed upon me in prayer--if it be consistent with the truths of our holy ,catholic faith2 if it be not1 your reverence must burn it at once--for ,i give my consent4 ,i will recount my experience1 in order that1 if it be consistent with those truths1 your reverence may make some use of it2 if not1 you will deliver my soul from delusion1 so that ,satan may gain nothing there where ,i seemed to be gaining myself4 ,our ,lord knows well that ,i1 as ,i shall show hereafter1 #i have always laboured to find out those who could give me light4 #ad4 ,how clear soever ,i may wish to make my account of that which relates to prayer1 it will be obscure enough for those who are without experience4 ,i shall speak of certain hindrances1 which1 as ,i understand it1 keep men from advancing on this road--and of other things which are dangerous1 as our ,lord has taught me by experience4 ,i have also discussed the matter with men of great learning1 with persons who for many years had lived spiritual lives1 who admit that1 in the twenty-seven years only during which ,i have given myself to prayer--though ,i walked so ill1 and stumbled so often on the road--,his ,majesty granted me that experience which others attain to in seven-and-thirty1 or seven-and-forty1 years2 and they1 too1 being persons who ever advanced in the way of penance and of virtue4 #ae4 ,blessed be ,god for all1 and may ,his infinite ,majesty make use of me6 ,our ,lord knoweth well that ,i have no other end in this than that ,he may be praised and magnified a little1 when men shall see that on a dunghill so foul and rank ,he has made a garden of flowers so sweet4 ,may it please ,his ,majesty that ,i may not by my own fault root them out1 and become again what ,i was before4 ,and ,i entreat your reverence1 for the love of our ,lord1 to beg this of ,him for me1 seeing that you have a clearer knowledge of what ,i am than you have allowed me to give of myself here4 #a4 ,the ,saint interrupts her history here to enter on the difficult questions of mystical theology1 and resumes it in ch4 xxiii4 #b4 ,ch4 ix4 #d4 #c4 ,ch4 xxx4 #aj and #aa4 #d4 ,see ch4 xiii4 #e4 #e4 ,f4 ,pedro ,ybaez1 of the ,order of ,st4 ,dominic4 #f4 ,see ch4 xxxi4 #ag4 #g4 ,see ch4 xv4 #ab4 #h4 ,see ch4 xiv4 #ab4 #i4 ,see ch4 xxiv4 #e4 ,chapter ,,xi4 ,why ,men ,do ,not ,attain ,quickly to the ,perfect ,love of ,god4 ,of ,four ,degrees of ,prayer4 ,of the ,first ,degree4 ,the ,doctrine ,profitable for ,beginners1 and for ,those ,who ,have ,no ,sensible ,sweetness4 #a4 ,i speak now of those who begin to be the servants of love2 that seems to me to be nothing else but to resolve to follow ,him in the way of prayer1 who has loved us so much4 ,it is a dignity so great1 that ,i have a strange joy in thinking of it2 for servile fear vanishes at once1 if we are1 as we ought to be1 in the first degree4 ,o ,lord of my soul1 and my good1 how is it that1 when a soul is determined to love ,thee--doing all it can1 by forsaking all things1 in order that it may the better occupy itself with the love of ,god--it is not ,thy will it should have the joy of ascending at once to the possession of perfect love8 ,i have spoken amiss2 ,i ought to have said1 and my complaint should have been1 why is it we do not8 for the fault is wholly our own that we do not rejoice at once in a dignity so great1 seeing that the attaining to the perfect possession of this true love brings all blessings with it4 #b4 ,we think so much of ourselves1 and are so dilatory in giving ourselves wholly to ,god1 that1 as ,his ,majesty will not let us have the fruition of that which is so precious but at a great cost1 so neither do we perfectly prepare ourselves for it4 ,i see plainly that there is nothing by which so great a good can be procured in this world4 ,if1 however1 we did what we could1 not clinging to anything upon earth1 but having all our thoughts and conversation in ,heaven1 ,i believe that this blessing would quickly be given us1 provided we perfectly prepared ourselves for it at once1 as some of the saints have done4 ,we think we are giving all to ,god2 but1 in fact1 we are offering only the revenue or the produce1 while we retain the fee-simple of the land in our own possession4 #c4 ,we resolve to become poor1 and it is a resolution of great merit2 but we very often take great care not to be in want1 not simply of what is necessary1 but of what is superfluous3 yea1 and to make for ourselves friends who may supply us2 and in this way we take more pains1 and perhaps expose ourselves to greater danger1 in order that we may want nothing1 than we did formerly1 when we had our own possessions in our own power4 #d4 ,we thought1 also1 that we gave up all desire of honour when we became religious1 or when we began the spiritual life1 and followed after perfection2 and yet1 when we are touched on the point of honour1 we do not then remember that we had given it up to ,god4 ,we would seize it again1 and take it1 as they say1 out of ,his ,hands1 even after we had made ,him1 to all appearance1 the ,lord of our own will4 ,so is it in every thing else4 #e4 ,a pleasant way this of seeking the love of ,god6 we retain our own affections1 and yet will have that love1 as they say1 by handfuls4 ,we make no efforts to bring our desires to good effect1 or to raise them resolutely above the earth2 and yet1 with all this1 we must have many spiritual consolations4 ,this is not well1 and we are seeking things that are incompatible one with the other4 ,so1 because we do not give ourselves up wholly and at once1 this treasure is not given wholly and at once to us4 ,may it be the good pleasure of our ,lord to give it us drop by drop1 though it may cost us all the trials in the world4 #f4 ,he showeth great mercy unto him to whom ,he gives the grace and resolution to strive for this blessing with all his might2 for ,god withholds ,himself from no one who perseveres4 ,he will by little and little strengthen that soul1 so that it may come forth victorious4 ,i say resolution1 because of the multitude of those things which ,satan puts before it at first1 to keep it back from beginning to travel on this road2 for he knoweth what harm will befall him thereby--he will lose not only that soul1 but many others also4 ,if he who enters on this road does violence to himself1 with the help of ,god1 so as to reach the summit of perfection1 such a one1 ,i believe1 will never go alone to ,heaven2 he will always take many with him3 ,god gives to him1 as to a good captain1 those who shall be of his company4 #g4 ,thus1 then1 the dangers and difficulties which ,satan puts before them are so many1 that they have need1 not of a little1 but of a very great1 resolution1 and great grace from ,god1 to save them from falling away4 #h4 ,speaking1 then1 of their beginnings who are determined to follow after this good1 and to succeed in their enterprise--what ,i began to say #a of mystical theology--,i believe they call it by that name--,i shall proceed with hereafter--,i have to say that the labour is greatest at first2 for it is they who toil1 our ,lord1 indeed1 giving them strength4 ,in the other degrees of prayer1 there is more of fruition2 although they who are in the beginning1 the middle1 and the end1 have their crosses to carry3 the crosses1 however1 are different4 ,they who would follow ,christ1 if they do not wish to be lost1 must walk in the way ,he walked ,himself4 ,blessed labours6 even here1 in this life1 so superabundantly rewarded6 #i4 ,i shall have to make use of a comparison2 ,i should like to avoid it1 because ,i am a woman1 and write simply what ,i have been commanded4 ,but this language of spirituality is so difficult of utterance for those who are not learned1 and such am ,i4 ,i have therefore to seek for some means to make the matter plain4 ,it may be that the comparison will very rarely be to the purpose--your reverence will be amused when you see my stupidity4 ,i think1 now1 ,i have either read or heard of this comparison2 but as my memory is bad1 ,i know not where1 nor on what occasion2 however1 ,i am satisfied with it for my present purpose4 #b #aj4 ,a beginner must look upon himself as making a garden1 wherein our ,lord may take ,his delight1 but in a soil unfruitful1 and abounding in weeds4 ,his ,majesty roots up the weeds1 and has to plant good herbs4 ,let us1 then1 take for granted that this is already done when a soul is determined to give itself to prayer1 and has begun the practice of it4 ,we have1 then1 as good gardeners1 by the help of ,god1 to see that the plants grow1 to water them carefully1 that they may not die1 but produce blossoms1 which shall send forth much fragrance1 refreshing to our ,lord1 so that ,he may come often for ,his pleasure into this garden1 and delight ,himself in the midst of these virtues4 #aa4 ,let us now see how this garden is to be watered1 that we may understand what we have to do3 how much trouble it will cost us1 whether the gain be greater than the trouble1 or how long a time it will take us4 ,it seems to me that the garden may be watered in four ways3 by water taken out of a well1 which is very laborious2 or with water raised by means of an engine and buckets1 drawn by a windlass--,i have drawn it this way sometimes--it is a less troublesome way than the first1 and gives more water2 or by a stream or brook1 whereby the garden is watered in a much better way--for the soil is more thoroughly saturated1 and there is no necessity to water it so often1 and the labour of the gardener is much less2 or by showers of rain1 when our ,lord ,himself waters it1 without labour on our part--and this way is incomparably better than all the others of which ,i have spoken4 #ab4 ,now1 then1 for the application of these four ways of irrigation by which the garden is to be maintained2 for without water it must fail4 ,the comparison is to my purpose1 and it seems to me that by the help of it ,i shall be able to explain1 in some measure1 the four degrees of prayer to which our ,lord1 of ,his goodness1 has occasionally raised my soul4 ,may ,he graciously grant that ,i may so speak as to be of some service to one of those who has commanded me to write1 whom our ,lord has raised in four months to a greater height than ,i have reached in seventeen years6 ,he prepared himself better than ,i did1 and therefore is his garden without labour on his part1 irrigated by these four waters--though the last of them is only drop by drop2 but it is growing in such a way1 that soon1 by the help of our ,lord1 he will be swallowed up therein1 and it will be a pleasure to me1 if he finds my explanation absurd1 that he should laugh at it4 #ac4 ,of those who are beginners in prayer1 we may say1 that they are those who draw the water up out of the well--a process which1 as ,i have said1 is very laborious2 for they must be wearied in keeping the senses recollected1 and this is a great labour1 because the senses have been hitherto accustomed to distractions4 ,it is necessary for beginners to accustom themselves to disregard what they hear or see1 and to put it away from them during the time of prayer2 they must be alone1 and in retirement think over their past life4 ,though all must do this many times1 beginners as well as those more advanced2 all1 however1 must not do so equally1 as ,i shall show hereafter4 #c ,beginners at first suffer much1 because they are not convinced that they are penitent for their sins2 and yet they are1 because they are so sincerely resolved on serving ,god4 ,they must strive to meditate on the life of ,christ1 and the understanding is wearied thereby4 ,thus far we can advance of ourselves--that is1 by the grace of ,god--for without that1 as every one knows1 we never can have one good thought4 #ad4 ,this is beginning to draw water up out of the well4 ,god grant there may be water in it6 ,that1 however1 does not depend on us2 we are drawing it1 and doing what we can towards watering the flowers4 ,so good is ,god1 that when1 for reasons known to ,his ,majesty--perhaps for our greater good--it is ,his will the well should be dry1 ,he ,himself preserves the flowers without water--we1 like good gardeners1 doing what lies in our power--and makes our virtues grow4 ,by water here ,i mean tears1 and if there be none1 then tenderness and an inward feeling of devotion4 #ae4 ,what1 then1 will he do here who sees that1 for many days1 he is conscious only of aridity1 disgust1 dislike1 and so great an unwillingness to go to the well for water1 that he would give it up altogether1 if he did not remember that he has to please and serve the ,lord of the garden2 if he did not trust that his service was not in vain1 and did not hope for some gain by a labour so great as that of lowering the bucket into the well so often1 and drawing it up without water in it8 ,it will happen that he is often unable to move his arms for that purpose1 or to have one good thought3 working with the understanding is drawing water out of the well4 #af4 ,what1 then1 once more1 will the gardener do now8 ,he must rejoice and take comfort1 and consider it as the greatest favour to labour in the garden of so great an ,emperor2 and as he knows that he is pleasing ,him in the matter--and his purpose must not be to please himself1 but ,him--let him praise ,him greatly for the trust ,he has in him--for ,he sees that1 without any recompense1 he is taking so much care of that which has been confided to him2 let him help ,him to carry the ,cross1 and let him think how ,he carried it all ,his life long2 let him not seek his kingdom here1 nor ever intermit his prayer2 and so let him resolve1 if this aridity should last even his whole life long1 never to let ,christ fall down beneath the ,cross4 #d #ag4 ,the time will come when he shall be paid once for all4 ,let him have no fear that his labour is in vain3 he serves a good ,master1 ,whose eyes are upon him4 ,let him make no account of evil thoughts1 but remember that ,satan suggested them to ,st4 ,jerome also in the desert4 #e ,these labours have their reward1 ,i know it2 for ,i am one who underwent them for many years4 ,when ,i drew but one drop of water out of this blessed well1 ,i considered it was a mercy of ,god4 ,i know these labours are very great1 and require1 ,i think1 greater courage than many others in this world2 but ,i have seen clearly that ,god does not leave them without a great recompense1 even in this life2 for it is very certain that in one hour1 during which our ,lord gave me to taste ,his sweetness1 all the anxieties which ,i had to bear when persevering in prayer seem to me ever afterwards perfectly rewarded4 #ah4 ,i believe that it is our ,lord's good pleasure frequently in the beginning1 and at times in the end1 to send these torments1 and many other incidental temptations1 to try those who love ,him1 and to ascertain if they will drink the chalice1 #f and help ,him to carry the ,cross1 before ,he intrusts them with ,his great treasures4 ,i believe it to be for our good that ,his ,majesty should lead us by this way1 so that we may perfectly understand how worthless we are2 for the graces which ,he gives afterwards are of a dignity so great1 that ,he will have us by experience know our wretchedness before ,he grants them1 that it may not be with us as it was with ,lucifer4 #ai4 ,what canst ,thou do1 ,o my ,lord1 that is not for the greater good of that soul which ,thou knowest to be already ,thine1 and which gives itself up to ,thee to follow ,thee whithersoever ,thou goest1 even to the death of the ,cross2 and which is determined to help ,thee to carry that ,cross1 and not to leave ,thee alone with it8 ,he who shall discern this resolution in himself has nothing to fear3 no1 no2 spiritual people have nothing to fear4 ,there is no reason why he should be distressed who is already raised to so high a degree as this is of wishing to converse in solitude with ,god1 and to abandon the amusements of the world4 ,the greater part of the work is done2 give praise to ,his ,majesty for it1 and trust in ,his goodness who has never failed those who love ,him4 ,close the eyes of your imagination1 and do not ask why ,he gives devotion to this person in so short a time1 and none to me after so many years4 ,let us believe that all is for our greater good2 let ,his ,majesty guide us whithersoever ,he will3 we are not our own1 but ,his4 ,he shows us mercy enough when it is ,his pleasure we should be willing to dig in ,his garden1 and to be so near the ,lord of it3 ,he certainly is near to us4 ,if it be ,his will that these plants and flowers should grow--some of them when ,he gives water we may draw from the well1 others when ,he gives none--what is that to me8 ,do ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 accomplish ,thy will2 let me never offend ,thee1 nor let my virtues perish2 if ,thou hast given me any1 it is out of ,thy mere goodness4 ,i wish to suffer1 because ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 hast suffered2 do ,thou in every way fulfil ,thy will in me1 and may it never be the pleasure of ,thy ,majesty that a gift of so high a price as that of ,thy love1 be given to people who serve ,thee only because of the sweetness they find thereby4 #bj4 ,it is much to be observed1 and ,i say so because ,i know by experience1 that the soul which1 begins to walk in the way of mental prayer with resolution1 and is determined not to care much1 neither to rejoice nor to be greatly afflicted1 whether sweetness and tenderness fail it1 or our ,lord grants them1 has already travelled a great part of the road4 ,let that soul1 then1 have no fear that it is going back1 though it may frequently stumble2 for the building is begun on a firm foundation4 ,it is certain that the love of ,god does not consist in tears1 nor in this sweetness and tenderness which we for the most part desire1 and with which we console ourselves2 but rather in serving ,him in justice1 fortitude1 and humility4 ,that seems to me to be a receiving rather than a giving of anything on our part4 #ba4 ,as for poor women1 such as ,i am1 weak and infirm of purpose1 it seems to me to be necessary that ,i should be led on through consolations1 as ,god is doing now1 so that ,i might be able to endure certain afflictions which it has pleased ,his ,majesty ,i should have4 ,but when the servants of ,god1 who are men of weight1 learning1 and sense1 make so much account1 as ,i see they do1 whether ,god gives them sweetness in devotion or not1 ,i am disgusted when ,i listen to them4 ,i do not say that they ought not to accept it1 and make much of it1 when ,god gives it--because1 when ,he gives it1 ,his ,majesty sees it to be necessary for them--but ,i do say that they ought not to grow weary when they have it not4 ,they should then understand that they have no need of it1 and be masters of themselves1 when ,his ,majesty does not give it4 ,let them be convinced of this1 there is a fault here2 ,i have had experience of it1 and know it to be so4 ,let them believe it as an imperfection3 they are not advancing in liberty of spirit1 but shrinking like cowards from the assault4 #bb4 ,it is not so much to beginners that ,i say this--though ,i do insist upon it1 because it is of great importance to them that they should begin with this liberty and resolution--as to others1 of whom there are many1 who make a beginning1 but never come to the end2 and that is owing1 ,i believe1 in great measure1 to their not having embraced the ,cross from the first4 ,they are distressed1 thinking they are doing nothing2 the understanding ceases from its acts1 and they cannot bear it4 ,yet1 perhaps1 at that very time1 the will is feeding and gathering strength1 and they know it not4 #bc4 ,we must suppose that our ,lord does not regard these things2 for though they seem to us to be faults1 yet they are not4 ,his ,majesty knoweth our misery and natural vileness better than we do ourselves4 ,he knoweth that these souls long to be always thinking of ,him and loving ,him4 ,it is this resolution that ,he seeks in us2 the other anxieties which we inflict upon ourselves serve to no other end but to disquiet the soul--which1 if it be unable to derive any profit in one hour1 will by them be disabled for four4 ,this comes most frequently from bodily indisposition--,i have had very great experience in the matter1 and ,i know it is true2 for ,i have carefully observed it and discussed it afterwards with spiritual persons--for we are so wretched1 that this poor prisoner of a soul shares in the miseries of the body4 ,the changes of the seasons1 and the alterations of the humours1 very often compel it1 without fault of its own1 not to do what it would1 but rather to suffer in every way4 ,meanwhile1 the more we force the soul on these occasions1 the greater the mischief1 and the longer it lasts4 ,some discretion must be used1 in order to ascertain whether ill-health be the occasion or not4 ,the poor soul must not be stifled4 ,let those who thus suffer understand that they are ill2 a change should be made in the hour of prayer1 and oftentimes that change should be continued for some days4 ,let souls pass out of this desert as they can1 for it is very often the misery of one that loves ,god to see itself living in such wretchedness1 unable to do what it would1 because it has to keep so evil a guest as the body4 #bd4 ,i spoke of discretion1 because sometimes the devil will do the same work2 and so it is not always right to omit prayer when the understanding is greatly distracted and disturbed1 nor to torment the soul to the doing of that which is out of its power4 ,there are other things then to be done--exterior works1 as of charity and spiritual reading--though at times the soul will not be able to do them4 ,take care1 then1 of the body1 for the love of ,god1 because at many other times the body must serve the soul2 and let recourse be had to some recreations--holy ones--such as conversation1 or going out into the fields1 as the confessor shall advise4 ,altogether1 experience is a great matter1 and it makes us understand what is convenient for us4 ,let ,god be served in all things--,his yoke is sweet2 #g and it is of great importance that the soul should not be dragged1 as they say1 but carried gently1 that it may make greater progress4 #be4 ,so1 then1 ,i come back to what ,i advised before #h--;and though ,i repeat it often1 it matters not2 it is of great importance that no one should distress himself on account of aridities1 or because his thoughts are restless and distracted2 neither should he be afflicted thereat1 if he would attain to liberty of spirit1 and not be always in trouble4 ,let him begin by not being afraid of the ,cross1 and he will see how our ,lord will help him to carry it1 how joyfully he will advance1 and what profit he will derive from it all4 ,it is now clear1 if there is no water in the well1 that we at least can put none into it4 ,it is true we must not be careless about drawing it when there is any in it1 because at that time it is the will of ,god to multiply our virtues by means thereof4 ,,notes #a4 ,ch4 x4 #a4 #b4 ,vide ,st4 ,bernard1 in ,cantic4 ,serm4 #cj4 n4 #g1 ed4 ,ben4 #c4 ,ch4 xiii4 #bc4 #d4 ,see ch4 xv4 #ag4 #e4 ,epist4 #bb1 ad ,eustochium3 ,o quoties ego ipse in eremo constitutus1 et in illa vasta solitudine qu exusta solis ardoribus horridum monachis prstat habitaculum putabam me ,romanis interesse deliciis4 ,sedebam solus4 4 4 ,horrebant sacco membra deformia4 4 4 4 ,ille igitur ego1 qui ob ,gehenn metum tali me carcere damnaveram1 scorpionum tantum socius et ferarum1 spe choris intereram puellarum1 pallebant ora jejuniis1 et mens desideriis stuabat in frigido corpore1 et ante hominem sua jam carne prmortuum sola libidinum incendia bulliebant4 #f4 ,st4 ,matt4 xx4 #bb3 ,potestis bibere calicem8 #g4 ,st4 ,matt4 xi4 #cj3 ,jugum enim meum suave est4 #h4 #ah4 ,chapter ,,xii4 ,what ,we ,can ,ourselves ,do4 ,the ,evil of ,desiring to ,attain to ,supernatural ,states ,before ,our ,lord ,calls ,us4 #a4 ,my aim in the foregoing chapter--though ,i digressed to many other matters1 because they seemed to me very necessary--was to explain how much we may attain to of ourselves2 and how1 in these beginnings of devotion1 we are able in some degree to help ourselves3 because thinking of1 and pondering on1 the sufferings of our ,lord for our sakes moves us to compassion1 and the sorrow and tears which result therefrom are sweet4 ,the thought of the blessedness we hope for1 of the love our ,lord bore us1 and of ,his resurrection1 kindle within us a joy which is neither wholly spiritual nor wholly sensual2 but the joy is virtuous1 and the sorrow is most meritorious4 #b4 ,of this kind are all those things which produce a devotion acquired in part by means of the understanding1 though it can neither be merited nor had1 if ,god grants it not4 ,it is best for a soul which ,god has not raised to a higher state than this not to try to rise of itself4 ,let this be well considered1 because all the soul will gain in that way will be a loss4 ,in this state it can make many acts of good resolutions to do much for ,god1 and enkindle its love2 other acts also1 which may help the growth of virtues1 according to that which is written in a book called ,the ,art of ,serving ,god1 #a a most excellent work1 and profitable for those who are in this state1 because the understanding is active now4 #c4 ,the soul may also place itself in the presence of ,christ1 and accustom itself to many acts of love directed to ,his sacred ,humanity1 and remain in ,his presence continually1 and speak to ,him1 pray to ,him in its necessities1 and complain to ,him of its troubles2 be merry with ,him in its joys1 and yet not forget ,him because of its joys4 ,all this it may do without set prayers1 but rather with words befitting its desires and its needs4 #d4 ,this is an excellent way whereby to advance1 and that very quickly4 ,he that will strive to have this precious companionship1 and will make much of it1 and will sincerely love our ,lord1 to whom we owe so much1 is one1 in my opinion1 who has made some progress4 ,there is therefore no reason why we should trouble ourselves because we have no sensible devotion1 as ,i said before4 #b ,but let us rather give thanks to our ,lord1 who allows us to have a desire to please ,him1 though our works be poor4 ,this practice of the presence of ,christ is profitable in all states of prayer1 and is a most safe way of advancing in the first state1 and of attaining quickly to the second2 and as for the last states1 it secures us against those risks which the devil may occasion4 #e4 ,this1 then1 is what we can do4 ,he who would pass out of this state1 and upraise his spirit1 in order to taste consolations denied him1 will1 in my opinion1 lose both the one and the other4 #c ,these consolations being supernatural1 and the understanding inactive1 the soul is then left desolate and in great aridity4 ,as the foundation of the whole building is humility1 the nearer we draw unto ,god the more this virtue should grow2 if it does not1 everything is lost4 ,it seems to be a kind of pride when we seek to ascend higher1 seeing that ,god descends so low1 when ,he allows us1 being what we are1 to draw near unto ,him4 #f4 ,it must not be supposed that ,i am now speaking of raising our thoughts to the consideration of the high things of heaven and of its glory1 or unto ,god and ,his great wisdom4 ,i never did this myself1 because ,i had not the capacity for it--as ,i said before2 #d and ,i was so worthless1 that1 as to thinking even of the things of earth1 ,god gave me grace to understand this truth3 that in me it was no slight boldness to do so4 ,how much more1 then1 the thinking of heavenly things8 ,others1 however1 will profit in that way1 particularly those who are learned2 for learning1 in my opinion1 is a great treasury in the matter of this exercise1 if it be accompanied with humility4 ,i observed this a few days ago in some learned men who had shortly before made a beginning1 and had made great progress4 ,this is the reason why ,i am so very anxious that many learned men may become spiritual4 ,i shall speak of this by and by4 #e #g4 ,what ,i am saying--namely1 let them not rise if ,god does not raise them--is the language of spirituality4 ,he will understand me who has had any experience2 and ,i know not how to explain it1 if what ,i have said does not make it plain4 #h4 ,in mystical theology--of which ,i spoke before #f--the understanding ceases from its acts1 because ,god suspends it--as ,i shall explain by and by1 if ,i can2 #g and ,god give me the grace to do so4 ,we must neither imagine nor think that we can of ourselves bring about this suspension4 ,that is what ,i say must not be done2 nor must we allow the understanding to cease from its acts2 for in that case we shall be stupid and cold1 and the result will be neither the one nor the other4 ,for when our ,lord suspends the understanding1 and makes it cease from its acts1 ,he puts before it that which astonishes and occupies it3 so that without making any reflections1 it shall comprehend in a moment #h more than we could comprehend in many years with all the efforts in the world4 #i4 ,to have the powers of the mind occupied1 and to think that you can keep them at the same time quiet1 is folly4 ,i repeat it1 though it be not so understood1 there is no great humility in this2 and1 if it be blameless1 it is not left unpunished--it is labour thrown away1 and the soul is a little disgusted3 it feels like a man about to take a leap1 and is held back4 ,such a one seems to have used up his strength already1 and finds himself unable to do that which he wished to have done3 so here1 in the scanty gain that remains1 he who will consider the matter will trace that slight want of humility of which ,i have spoken2 #i for that virtue has this excellence3 there is no good work attended by humility that leaves the soul disgusted4 ,it seems to me that ,i have made this clear enough2 yet1 after all1 perhaps only for myself4 ,may our ,lord open their eyes who read this1 by giving them experience2 and then however slight that experience may be1 they will immediately understand it4 #aj4 ,for many years ,i read much1 and understood nothing2 and for a long time1 too1 though ,god gave me understanding herein1 ,i never could utter a word by which ,i might explain it to others4 ,this was no little trouble to me4 ,when ,his ,majesty pleases1 ,he teaches everything in a moment1 so that ,i am lost in wonder4 ,one thing ,i can truly say3 though ,i conversed with many spiritual persons1 who sought to make me understand what our ,lord was giving me1 in order that ,i might be able to speak of it1 the fact is1 that my dulness was so great1 that ,i derived no advantage whatever1 much or little1 from their teaching4 #aa4 ,or it may be1 as ,his ,majesty has always been my ,master--may ,he be blessed for ever6 for ,i am ashamed of myself that ,i can say so with truth--that it was ,his good pleasure ,i should meet with no one to whom ,i should be indebted in this matter4 ,so1 without my wishing or asking it--,i never was careful about this1 for that would have been a virtue in me1 but only about vanity--,god gave me to understand with all distinctness in a moment1 and also enabled me to express myself1 so that my confessors were astonished but ,i more than they1 because ,i knew my own dulness better4 ,it is not long since this happened4 ,and so that which our ,lord has not taught me1 ,i seek not to know it1 unless it be a matter that touches my conscience4 #ab4 ,again ,i repeat my advice3 it is of great moment not to raise our spirit ourselves1 if our ,lord does not raise it for us2 and if ,he does1 there can be no mistaking it4 ,for women1 it is specially wrong1 because the devil can delude them--though ,i am certain our ,lord will never allow him to hurt any one who labours to draw near unto ,god in humility4 ,on the contrary1 such a one will derive more profit and advantage out of that attack by which ,satan intended to hurt him4 #ac4 ,i have dwelt so long upon this matter because this way of prayer is the most common with beginners1 and because the advice ,i have given is very important4 ,it will be found much better given elsewhere3 that ,i admit2 and ,i admit1 also1 that in writing it ,i am ashamed of myself1 and covered with confusion--though not so much so as ,i ought to be4 ,blessed for ever be our ,lord1 of whose will and pleasure it is that ,i am allowed1 being what ,i am1 to speak of things which are ,his1 of such a nature1 and so deep4 #a4 ,arte de servir a ,dios1 by ,rodrigue de ,solis1 friar of the ,augustinian ,order 7,bouix74 ,arte para servir a ,dios1 by ,fra4 ,alonso de ,madrid 7,de la ,fuente74 #b4 ,ch4 xi4 #bj1 #be4 #c4 ,that is1 he will lose the prayer of acquired quiet1 because he voluntarily abandons it before the time2 and will not attain to the prayer of infused quiet1 because he attempts to rise into it before he is called 7,francis4 de ,sancto ,thoma1 ,medulla ,mystica1 tr4 iv4 ch4 xi4 n4 #fi74 #d4 ,ch4 iv4 #aj4 #e4 ,ch4 xxxiv4 #i4 #f4 ,ch4 x4 #a4 #g4 ,ch4 xvi4 #d4 #h4 ,en un credo4 #i4 #e4 ,chapter ,,xiii4 ,of ,certain ,temptations of ,satan4 ,instructions ,relating ,thereto4 #a4 ,i have thought it right to speak of certain temptations ,i have observed to which beginners are liable--some of them ,i have had myself--and to give some advice about certain things which to me seem necessary4 ,in the beginning1 then1 we should strive to be cheerful and unconstrained2 for there are people who think it is all over with devotion if they relax themselves ever so little4 ,it is right to be afraid of self2 so that1 having no confidence in ourselves1 much or little1 we may not place ourselves in those circumstances wherein men usually sin against ,god2 for it is a most necessary fear1 till we become very perfect in virtue4 ,and there are not many who are so perfect as to be able to relax themselves on those occasions which offer temptations to their natural temper2 for always while we live1 were it only to preserve humility1 it is well we should know our own miserable nature2 but there are many occasions on which it is permitted us--as ,i said just now #a--to take some recreation1 in order that we may with more vigour resume our prayer4 #b4 ,discretion is necessary throughout4 ,we must have great confidence2 because it is very necessary for us not to contract our desires1 but put our trust in ,god2 for1 if we do violence to ourselves by little and little1 we shall1 though not at once1 reach that height which many ,saints by ,his grace have reached4 ,if they had never resolved to desire1 and had never by little and little acted upon that resolve1 they never could have ascended to so high a state4 #c4 ,his ,majesty seeks and loves courageous souls2 but they must be humble in their ways1 and have no confidence in themselves4 ,i never saw one of those lag behind on the road2 and never a cowardly soul1 though aided by humility1 make that progress in many years which the former makes in a few4 ,i am astonished at the great things done on this road by encouraging oneself to undertake great things1 though we may not have the strength for them at once2 the soul takes a flight upwards and ascends high1 though1 like a little bird whose wings are weak1 it grows weary and rests4 #d4 ,at one time ,i used often to think of those words of ,st4 ,paul3 ,that all things are possible in ,god4 #b ,i saw clearly that of myself ,i could do nothing4 ,this was of great service to me4 ,so also was the saying of ,st4 ,augustine3 ,give me1 ,o ,lord1 what ,thou commandest1 and command what ,thou wilt4 #c ,i was often thinking how ,st4 ,peter lost nothing by throwing himself into the sea1 though he was afterwards afraid4 #d ,these first resolutions are a great matter--although it is necessary in the beginning that we should be very reserved1 controlled by the discretion and authority of a director2 but we must take care that he be one who does not teach us to crawl like toads1 nor one who may be satisfied when the soul shows itself fit only to catch lizards4 ,humility must always go before3 so that we may know that this strength can come out of no strength of our own4 #e4 ,but it is necessary we should understand what manner of humility this should be1 because ,satan1 ,i believe1 does great harm2 for he hinders those who begin to pray from going onwards1 by suggesting to them false notions of humility4 ,he makes them think it is pride to have large desires1 to wish to imitate the ,saints1 and to long for martyrdom4 ,he tells us forthwith1 or he makes us think1 that the actions of the ,saints are to be admired1 not to be imitated1 by us who are sinners4 ,i1 too1 say the same thing2 but we must see what those actions are which we are to admire1 and what those are which we are to imitate2 for it would be wrong in a person who is weak and sickly to undertake much fasting and sharp penances to retire into the desert1 where he could not sleep1 nor find anything to eat2 or1 indeed1 to undertake any austerities of this kind4 #f4 ,but we ought to think that we can force ourselves1 by the grace of ,god1 to hold the world in profound contempt--to make light of honour1 and be detached from our possessions4 ,our hearts1 however1 are so mean that we think the earth would fail us under our feet1 if we were to cease to care even for a moment for the body1 and give ourselves up to spirituality4 ,then we think that to have all we require contributes to recollection1 because anxieties disturb prayer4 ,it is painful to me that our confidence in ,god is so scanty1 and our self-love so strong1 as that any anxiety about our own necessities should disturb us4 ,but so it is2 for when our spiritual progress is so slight1 a mere nothing will give us as much trouble as great and important matters will give to others4 ,and we think ourselves spiritual6 #g4 ,now1 to me1 this way of going on seems to betray a disposition to reconcile soul and body together1 in order that we may not miss our ease in this world1 and yet have the fruition of ,god in the next2 and so it will be if we walk according to justice1 clinging to virtue2 but it is the pace of a hen--it will never bring us to liberty of spirit4 ,it is a course of proceeding1 as it seems to me1 most excellent for those who are in the married state1 and who must live according to their vocation2 but for the other state1 ,i by no means wish for such a method of progress1 neither can ,i be made to believe it to be sound2 for ,i have tried it1 and ,i should have remained in that way1 if our ,lord in ,his goodness had not taught me another and a shorter road4 #h4 ,though1 in the matter of desires1 ,i always had generous ones2 but ,i laboured1 as ,i said before1 #e to make my prayer1 and1 at the same time1 to live at my ease4 ,if there had been any one to rouse me to a higher flight1 he might have brought me1 so ,i think1 to a state in which these desires might have had their effects2 but1 for our sins1 so few and so rare are they whose discretion in that matter is not excessive4 ,that1 ,i believe1 is reason enough why those who begin do not attain more quickly to great perfection2 for our ,lord never fails us1 and it is not ,his fault2 the fault and the wretchedness of this being all our own4 #i4 ,we may also imitate the ,saints by striving after solitude and silence1 and many other virtues that will not kill these wretched bodies of ours1 which insist on being treated so orderly1 that they may disorder the soul2 and ,satan1 too1 helps much to make them unmanageable4 ,when he sees us a little anxious about them1 he wants nothing more to convince us that our way of life must kill us1 and destroy our health2 even if we weep1 he makes us afraid of blindness4 ,i have passed through this1 and therefore ,i know it2 but ,i know of no better sight or better health that we can desire1 than the loss of both in such a cause4 ,being myself so sickly1 ,i was always under constraint1 and good for nothing1 till ,i resolved to make no account of my body nor of my health2 even now ,i am worthless enough4 #aj4 ,but when it pleased ,god to let me find out this device of ,satan1 ,i used to say to the latter1 when he suggested to me that ,i was ruining my health1 that my death was of no consequence2 when he suggested rest1 ,i replied that ,i did not want rest1 but the ,cross4 ,his other suggestions ,i treated in the same way4 ,i saw clearly that in most things1 though ,i was really very sickly1 it was either a temptation of ,satan1 or a weakness on my part4 ,my health has been much better since ,i have ceased to look after my ease and comforts4 ,it is of great importance not to let our own thoughts frighten us in the beginning1 when we set ourselves to pray4 ,believe me in this1 for ,i know it by experience4 ,as a warning to others1 it may be that this story of my failures may be useful4 #aa4 ,there is another temptation1 which is very common3 when people begin to have pleasure in the rest and the fruit of prayer1 they will have everybody else be very spiritual also4 ,now1 to desire this is not wrong1 but to try to bring it about may not be right1 except with great discretion and with much reserve1 without any appearance of teaching4 ,he who would do any good in this matter ought to be endowed with solid virtues1 that he may not put temptation in the way of others4 ,it happened to me--that is how ,i know it--when1 as ,i said before1 #f ,i made others apply themselves to prayer1 to be a source of temptation and disorder2 for1 on the one hand1 they heard me say great things of the blessedness of prayer1 and1 on the other1 saw how poor ,i was in virtue1 notwithstanding my prayer4 ,they had good reasons on their side1 and afterwards they told me of it2 for they knew not how these things could be compatible one with the other4 ,this it was that made them not to regard that as evil which was really so in itself1 namely1 that they saw me do it myself1 now and then1 during the time that they thought well of me in some measure4 #ab4 ,this is ,satan's work3 he seems to take advantage of the virtues we may have1 for the purpose of giving a sanction1 so far as he can1 to the evil he aims at2 how slight soever that evil may be1 his gain must be great1 if it prevail in a religious house4 ,how much1 then1 must his gain have been1 when the evil ,i did was so very great6 ,and thus1 during many years1 only three persons were the better for what ,i said to them2 but now that our ,lord has made me stronger in virtue1 in the course of two or three years many persons have profited1 as ,i shall show hereafter4 #g #ac4 ,there is another great inconvenience in addition to this3 the loss to our own soul2 for the utmost we have to do in the beginning is to take care of our own soul only1 and consider that in the whole world there is only ,god and our soul4 ,this is a point of great importance4 #ad4 ,there is another temptation--we ought to be aware of it1 and be cautious in our conduct3 persons are carried away by a zeal for virtue1 through the pain which the sight of the sins and failings of others occasions them4 ,satan tells them that this pain arises only out of their desire that ,god may not be offended1 and out of their anxiety about ,his honour2 so they immediately seek to remedy the evil4 ,this so disturbs them1 that they cannot pray4 ,the greatest evil of all is their thinking this an act of virtue1 of perfection1 and of a great zeal for ,god4 ,i am not speaking of the pain which public sins occasion1 if they be habitual in any community1 nor of wrongs done to the ,church1 nor of heresies by which so many souls are visibly lost2 for this pain is most wholesome1 and being wholesome is no source of disquiet4 ,the security1 therefore1 of that soul which would apply itself to prayer lies in casting away from itself all anxiety about persons and things1 in taking care of itself1 and in pleasing ,god4 ,this is the most profitable course4 #ae4 ,if ,i were to speak of the mistakes which ,i have seen people make1 in reliance on their own good intentions1 ,i should never come to an end4 ,let us labour1 therefore1 always to consider the virtues and the good qualities which we discern in others1 and with our own great sins cover our eyes1 so that we may see none of their failings4 ,this is one way of doing our work2 and though we may not be perfect in it at once1 we shall acquire one great virtue--we shall look upon all men as better than ourselves2 and we begin to acquire that virtue in this way1 by the grace of ,god1 which is necessary in all things--for when we have it not1 all our endeavours are in vain--and by imploring ,him to give us this virtue2 for ,he never fails us1 if we do what we can4 #af4 ,this advice1 also1 they must take into their consideration who make much use of their understanding1 eliciting from one subject many thoughts and conceptions4 ,as to those who1 like myself1 cannot do it1 ,i have no advice to give1 except that they are to have patience1 until our ,lord shall send them both matter and light2 for they can do so little of themselves1 that their understanding is a hindrance to them rather than a help4 #ag4 ,to those1 then1 who can make use of their understanding1 ,i say that they are not to spend the whole time in that way2 for though it be most meritorious1 yet they must not1 when prayer is sweet1 suppose that there never will be a ,sunday or a time when no work ought to be done4 ,they think it lost time to do otherwise2 but ,i think that loss their greatest gain4 ,let them rather1 as ,i have said1 #h place themselves in the presence of ,christ1 and1 without fatiguing the understanding1 converse with ,him1 and in ,him rejoice1 without wearying themselves in searching out reasons2 but let them rather lay their necessities before ,him1 and the just reasons there are why ,he should not suffer us in ,his presence3 at one time this1 at another time that1 lest the soul should be wearied by always eating of the same food4 ,these meats are most savoury and wholesome1 if the palate be accustomed to them2 they will furnish a great support for the life of the soul1 and they have many other advantages also4 #ah4 ,i will explain myself further2 for the doctrine of prayer is difficult1 and1 without a director1 very hard to understand4 ,though ,i would willingly be concise1 and though a mere hint is enough for his clear intellect who has commanded me to write on the subject of prayer1 yet so it is1 my dulness does not allow me to say or explain in a few words that which it is so important to explain well4 ,i1 who have gone through so much1 am sorry for those who begin only with books2 for there is a strange difference between that which we learn by reading1 and that which we learn by experience4 #ai4 ,going back1 then1 to what ,i was saying4 ,we set ourselves to meditate upon some mystery of the ,passion3 let us say1 our ,lord at the pillar4 ,the understanding goeth about seeking for the sources out of which came the great dolours and the bitter anguish which ,his ,majesty endured in that desolation4 ,it considers that mystery in many lights1 which the intellect1 if it be skilled in its work1 or furnished with learning1 may there obtain4 ,this is a method of prayer which should be to everyone the beginning1 the middle1 and the end3 a most excellent and safe way1 until our ,lord shall guide them to other supernatural ways4 #bj4 ,i say to all1 because there are many souls who make greater progress by meditation on other subjects than on the ,sacred ,passion2 for as there are many mansions in heaven1 so there are also many roads leading thither4 ,some persons advance by considering themselves in hell1 others in heaven--and these are distressed by meditations on hell4 ,others meditate on death2 some persons1 if tender-hearted1 are greatly fatigued by continual meditations on the ,passion2 but are consoled and make progress when they meditate on the power and greatness of ,god in ,his creatures1 and on ,his love visible in all things4 ,this is an admirable method--not omitting1 however1 from time to time1 the ,passion and ,life of ,christ1 the ,source of all good that ever came1 and that ever shall come4 #ba4 ,he who begins is in need of instruction1 whereby he may ascertain what profits him most4 ,for this end it is very necessary he should have a director1 who ought to be a person of experience2 for if he be not1 he will make many mistakes1 and direct a soul without understanding its ways1 or suffering it to understand them itself2 for such a soul1 knowing that obedience to a director is highly meritorious1 dares not transgress the commandments it receives4 ,i have met with souls cramped and tormented1 because he who directed them had no experience3 that made me sorry for them4 ,some of them knew not what to do with themselves2 for directors who do not understand the spirit of their penitents afflict them soul and body1 and hinder their progress4 #i #bb4 ,one person ,i had to do with had been kept by her director for eight years1 as it were1 in prison2 he would not allow her to quit the subject of self-knowledge2 and yet our ,lord had already raised her to the prayer of quiet2 so she had much to suffer4 #bc4 ,although this matter of self-knowledge must never be put aside--for there is no soul so great a giant on this road but has frequent need to turn back1 and be again an infant at the breast2 and this must never be forgotten4 ,i shall repeat it1 #aj perhaps1 many times1 because of its great importance--for among all the states of prayer1 however high they may be1 there is not one in which it is not often necessary to go back to the beginning4 ,the knowledge of our sins1 and of our own selves1 is the bread which we have to eat with all the meats1 however delicate they may be1 in the way of prayer2 without this bread1 life cannot be sustained1 though it must be taken by measure4 ,when a soul beholds itself resigned1 and clearly understands that there is no goodness in it--when it feels itself abashed in the presence of so great a ,king1 and sees how little it pays of the great debt it owes ,him--why should it be necessary for it to waste its time on this subject8 ,why should it not rather proceed to other matters which our ,lord places before it1 and for neglecting which there is no reason8 ,his ,majesty surely knows better than we do what kind of food is proper for us4 #bd4 ,so1 then1 it is of great consequence that the director should be prudent--,i mean1 of sound understanding--and a man of experience4 ,if1 in addition to this1 he is a learned man1 it is a very great matter4 ,but if these three qualities cannot be had together1 the first two are the most important1 because learned men may be found with whom we can communicate when it is necessary4 ,i mean1 that for beginners learned men are of little use1 if they are not men of prayer4 ,i do not say that they are to have nothing to do with learned men1 because a spirituality1 the foundations of which are not resting on the truth1 ,i would rather were not accompanied with prayer4 ,learning is a great thing1 for it teaches us who know so little1 and enlightens us2 so when we have come to the knowledge of the truths contained in the holy writings1 we do what we ought to do4 ,from silly devotions1 ,god deliver us6 #be4 ,i will explain myself further1 for ,i am meddling1 ,i believe1 with too many matters4 ,it has always been my failing that ,i could never make myself understood--as ,i said before #aa--;but at the cost of many words4 ,a nun begins to practise prayer2 if her director be silly1 and if he should take it into his head1 he will make her feel that it is better for her to obey him than her own superior4 ,he will do all this without any evil purpose1 thinking that he is doing right4 ,for if he be not a religious himself1 he will think this right enough4 ,if his penitent be a married woman1 he will tell her that it is better for her to give herself unto prayer1 when she ought to attend to her house1 although she may thereby displease her husband4 ,and so it is1 he knows not how to make arrangements for time and business1 so that everything may be done as it ought to be done2 he has no light himself1 and can therefore give none to others1 however much he may wish to do so4 #bf4 ,though learning does not seem necessary for discretion1 my opinion has always been1 and will be1 that every ,christian should continue to be guided by a learned director if he can1 and the more learned the better4 ,they who walk in the way of prayer have the greater need of learning2 and the more spiritual they are the greater is that need4 ,let them not say that learned men not given to prayer are not fit counsellors for those who pray3 that is a delusion4 ,i have conversed with many2 and now for some years ,i have sought them the more1 because of my greater need of them4 ,i have always been fond of them2 for though some of them have no experience1 they do not dislike spirituality1 neither are they ignorant of what it is1 because in the sacred writings with which they are familiar they always find the truth about spirituality4 ,i am certain myself that a person given to prayer1 who treats of these matters with learned men1 unless he is deceived with his own consent1 will never be carried away by any illusions of the devil4 ,i believe that the evil spirits are exceedingly afraid of learned men who are humble and virtuous1 knowing that they will be found out and defeated by them4 #bg4 ,i have said this because there are opinions held to the effect that learned men1 if they are not spiritual1 are not suited for persons given to prayer4 ,i have just said that a spiritual director is necessary2 but if he be not a learned man1 he is a great hindrance4 ,it will help us much if we consult those who are learned1 provided they be virtuous2 even if they be not spiritual1 they will be of service to me1 and ,god will enable them to understand what they should teach2 ,he will even make them spiritual1 in order that they may help us on4 ,i do not say this without having had experience of it2 and ,i have met with more than two4 #bh4 ,i say1 then1 that a person who shall resign his soul to be wholly subject to one director will make a great mistake1 if he is in religion1 unless he finds a director of this kind1 because of the obedience due to his own superior4 ,his director may be deficient in the three requisites ,i speak of1 #ab and that will be no slight cross1 without voluntarily subjecting the understanding to one whose understanding is none of the best4 ,at least1 ,i have never been able to bring myself to do it1 neither does it seem to me to be right4 #bi4 ,but if he be a person living in the world1 let him praise ,god for the power he has of choosing whom he will obey1 and let him not lose so excellent a liberty2 yea1 rather let him be without a director till he finds him--for our ,lord will give him one1 if he is really humble1 and has a desire to meet with the right person4 ,i praise ,god greatly--we women1 and those who are unlearned1 ought always to render ,him unceasing thanks--because there are persons who1 by labours so great1 have attained to the truth1 of which we unlearned people are ignorant4 ,i often wonder at learned men--particularly those who are in religion--when ,i think of the trouble they have had in acquiring that which they communicate to me for my good1 and that without any more trouble to me than the asking for it4 ,and yet there are people who will not take advantage of their learning3 ,god grant it may not be so6 #cj4 ,i see them undergo the poverty of the religious life1 which is great1 together with its penances1 its meagre food1 the yoke of obedience1 which makes me ashamed of myself at times2 and with all this1 interrupted sleep1 trials everywhere1 everywhere the ,cross4 ,i think it would be a great evil for any one to lose so great a good by his own fault4 ,it may be some of us1 who are exempted from these burdens--who have our food put into our mouths1 as they say1 and live at our ease--may think1 because we give ourselves a little more to prayer1 that we are raised above the necessity of such great hardships4 ,blessed be ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 who hast made me so incapable and so useless2 but ,i bless ,thee still more for this--that ,thou quickenest so many to quicken us4 ,our prayer must therefore be very earnest for those who give us light4 ,what should we be without them in the midst of these violent storms which now disturb the ,church8 ,if some have fallen1 the good will shine more and more4 #ac ,may it please our ,lord to hold them in ,his hand1 and help them1 that they may help us4 #ca4 ,i have gone far away from the subject ,i began to speak of2 but all is to the purpose for those who are beginners1 that they may begin a journey which is so high in such a way as that they shall go on by the right road4 ,coming back1 then1 to what ,i spoke of before1 #ad the meditation on ,christ bound to the pillar1 it is well we should make reflections for a time1 and consider the sufferings ,he there endured1 for whom ,he endured them1 who ,he is who endured them1 and the love with which ,he bore them4 ,but a person should not always fatigue himself in making these reflections1 but rather let him remain there with ,christ1 in the silence of the understanding4 #cb4 ,if he is able1 let him employ himself in looking upon ,christ1 who is looking upon him2 let him accompany ,him1 and make his petitions to ,him2 let him humble himself1 and delight himself in ,christ1 and keep in mind that he never deserved to be there4 ,when he shall be able to do this1 though it may be in the beginning of his prayer1 he will find great advantage2 and this way of prayer brings great advantages with it--at least1 so my soul has found it4 ,i do not know whether ,i am describing it aright2 you1 my father1 will see to it4 ,may our ,lord grant me to please ,him rightly for ever6 ,amen4 #a4 ,ch4 xi4 #bd4 #b4 ,philipp4 iv4 #ac2 ,omnia possum in ,eo4 #c4 ,confess4 x4 ch4 #bi3 ,da quod jubes1 et jube quod vis4 #d4 ,st4 ,matt4 xiv4 #cj3 ,videns vero ventum validum1 timuit4 #e4 ,ch4 vii4 #bg1 #ca4 #f4 ,ch4 vii4 #af4 #g4 ,see ch4 xxxi4 #g1 and ch4 xxxix4 #ad4 #h4 ,ch4 xii4 #c4 #i4 ,see ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,living ,flame1 pp4 #bfg1 #bgh-bhd1 ,engl4 trans4 #aj4 ,see ch4 xv4 #bj4 #aa4 #ah4 #ab4 ,prudence1 experience1 and learning2 see #bd4 #ac4 ,dan4 xii4 #c3 ,qui autem docti fuerint1 fulgebunt quasi splendor firmamenti4 #ad4 #ai4 ,chapter ,,xiv4 ,the ,second ,state of ,prayer4 ,its ,supernatural ,character4 #a4 ,having spoken of the toilsome efforts and of the strength required for watering the garden when we have to draw the water out of the well1 let us now speak of the second manner of drawing the water1 which the ,lord of the vineyard has ordained2 of the machine of wheel and buckets whereby the gardener may draw more water with less labour1 and be able to take some rest without being continually at work4 ,this1 then1 is what ,i am now going to describe2 and ,i apply it to the prayer called the prayer of quiet4 #b4 ,herein the soul begins to be recollected2 it is now touching on the supernatural--for it never could by any efforts of its own attain to this4 ,true1 it seems at times to have been wearied at the wheel1 labouring with the understanding1 and filling the buckets2 but in this second degree the water is higher1 and accordingly the labour is much less than it was when the water had to be drawn up out of the well2 ,i mean1 that the water is nearer to it1 for grace reveals itself more distinctly to the soul4 #c4 ,this is a gathering together of the faculties of the soul within itself1 in order that it may have the fruition of that contentment in greater sweetness2 but the faculties are not lost1 neither are they asleep3 the will alone is occupied in such a way that1 without knowing how it has become a captive1 it gives a simple consent to become the prisoner of ,god2 for it knows well what is to be the captive of ,him it loves4 ,o my ,jesus and my ,lord1 how pressing now is ,thy love6 #a ,it binds our love in bonds so straitly1 that it is not in its power at this moment to love anything else but ,thee4 #d4 ,the other two faculties help the will1 that it may render itself capable of the fruition of so great a good2 nevertheless1 it occasionally happens1 even when the will is in union1 that they hinder it very much3 but then it should never heed them at all1 simply abiding in its fruition and quiet4 #b ,for if it tried to make them recollected1 it would miss its way together with them1 because they are at this time like doves which are not satisfied with the food the master of the dovecot gives them without any labouring for it on their part1 and which go forth in quest of it elsewhere1 and so hardly find it that they come back4 ,and so the memory and the understanding come and go1 seeking whether the will is going to give them that into the fruition of which it has entered itself4 #e4 ,if it be our ,lord's pleasure to throw them any food1 they stop2 if not1 they go again to seek it4 ,they must be thinking that they are of some service to the will2 and now and then the memory or the imagination1 seeking to represent to it that of which it has the fruition1 does it harm4 ,the will1 therefore1 should be careful to deal with them as ,i shall explain4 ,everything that takes place now in this state brings the very greatest consolation2 and the labour is so slight1 that prayer1 even if persevered in for some time1 is never wearisome4 ,the reason is1 that the understanding is now working very gently1 and is drawing very much more water than it drew out of the well4 ,the tears1 which ,god now sends1 flow with joy2 though we feel them1 they are not the result of any efforts of our own4 #f4 ,this water of grand blessings and graces1 which our ,lord now supplies1 makes the virtues thrive much more1 beyond all comparison1 than they did in the previous state of prayer2 for the soul is already ascending out of its wretched state1 and some little knowledge of the blissfulness of glory is communicated to it4 ,this1 ,i believe1 is it that makes the virtues grow the more1 and also to draw nearer to essential virtue1 ,god ,himself1 from ,whom all virtues proceed2 for ,his ,majesty has begun to communicate ,himself to this soul1 and will have it feel how ,he is communicating ,himself4 #g4 ,as soon as the soul has arrived thus far1 it begins to lose the desire of earthly things1 #c and no wonder2 for it sees clearly that1 even for a moment1 this joy is not to be had on earth2 that there are no riches1 no dominion1 no honours1 no delights1 that can for one instant1 even for the twinkling of an eye1 minister such a joy2 for it is a true satisfaction1 and the soul sees that it really does satisfy4 ,now1 we who are on earth1 as it seems to me1 scarcely ever understand wherein our satisfaction lies1 for it is always liable to disappointment2 but in this1 at that time1 there is none3 the disappointment cometh afterwards1 when the soul sees that all is over1 and that it has no power to recover it1 neither does it know how2 for if it cut itself in pieces by penance and prayer1 and every other kind of austerities1 all would be of little use1 if our ,lord did not grant it4 ,god1 in ,his great mercy1 will have the soul comprehend that ,his ,majesty is so near to it1 that it need not send messengers to ,him1 but may speak to ,him itself1 and not with a loud crying1 because so near is ,he already1 that ,he understands even the movements of its lips4 #h4 ,it seems absurd to say this1 seeing that we know that ,god understands us always1 and is present with us4 ,it is so1 and there can be no doubt of it2 but our ,emperor and ,lord will have us now understand that ,he understands us2 and also have us understand what ,his presence bringeth about1 and that ,he means in a special way to begin a work in the soul1 which is manifested in the great joy1 inward and outward1 which ,he communicates1 and in the difference there is1 as ,i said just now1 between this joy and delight and all the joys of earth2 for ,he seems to be filling up the void in our souls occasioned by our sins4 #i4 ,this satisfaction lies in the innermost part of the soul1 and the soul knows not whence1 nor how1 it came1 very often it knows not what to do1 or wish1 or pray for4 ,it seems to find all this at once1 and knoweth not what it hath found2 nor do ,i know how to explain it1 because learning is necessary for many things4 ,here1 indeed1 learning would be very much to the purpose1 in order to explain the general and particular helps of grace2 for there are many who know nothing about them4 ,learning would serve to show how our ,lord now will have the soul to see1 as it were1 with the naked eye1 as men speak1 this particular help of grace1 and be also useful in many other ways wherein ,i am likely to go astray4 ,but as what ,i write is to be seen by those who have the learning to discover whether ,i make mistakes or not1 ,i go on without anxiety2 for ,i know ,i need have none whatever about either the letter or the spirit1 because it is in their power to whom it is to be sent to do with it as they will3 they will understand it1 and blot out whatever may be amiss4 #aj4 ,i should like them to explain this1 because it is a principal point1 and because a soul1 when our ,lord begins to bestow these graces upon it1 does not understand them1 and does not know what to do with itself2 for if ,god leads it by the way of fear1 as ,he led me1 its trial will be heavy1 if there be no one who understands the state it is in2 and to see itself as in a picture is a great comfort2 and then it sees clearly that it is travelling on that road4 ,the knowledge of what it has to do is a great blessing for it1 so that it may advance forwards in every one of these degrees of prayer2 for ,i have suffered greatly1 and lost much time1 because ,i did not know what to do2 and ,i am very sorry for those souls who find themselves alone when they come to this state2 for though ,i read many spiritual books1 wherein this very matter is discussed1 they threw very little light upon it4 ,and if it be not a soul much exercised in prayer1 it will find it enough to understand its state1 be the books ever so clear4 #aa4 ,i wish much that our ,lord would help me to describe the effects on the soul of these things1 now that they begin to be supernatural1 so that men might know by these effects whether they come from the ,spirit of ,god4 ,i mean1 known as things are known here below--though it is always well to live in fear1 and on our guard2 for even if they do come from ,god1 now and then the devil will be able to transform himself into an angel of light2 #d and the soul1 if not experienced herein1 will not understand the matter2 and it must have so much experience for the understanding thereof1 that it is necessary it should have attained to the highest perfection of prayer4 #ab4 ,the little time ,i have helps me but little1 and it is therefore necessary ,his ,majesty should undertake it ,himself2 for ,i have to live in community1 and have very many things to employ me1 as ,i am in a house which is newly founded--as will appear hereafter2 #e and so ,i am writing1 with very many interruptions1 by little and little at a time4 ,i wish ,i had leisure2 for when our ,lord gives the spirit1 it is more easily and better done2 it is then as with a person working embroidery with the pattern before her2 but if the spirit be wanting1 there is no more meaning in the words than in gibberish1 so to speak1 though many years may have been spent in prayer4 ,and thus ,i think it a very great advantage to be in this state of prayer when ,i am writing this2 for ,i see clearly that it is not ,i who speak1 nor is it ,i who with her understanding has arranged it2 and afterwards ,i do not know how ,i came to speak so accurately4 #f ,it has often happened to me thus4 #ac4 ,let us now return to our orchard1 or flower-garden1 and behold now how the trees begin to fill with sap for the bringing forth of the blossoms1 and then of the fruit--the flowers and the plants1 also1 their fragrance4 ,this illustration pleases me2 for very often1 when ,i was beginning--and our ,lord grant that ,i have really begun to serve ,his ,majesty--,i mean1 begun in relation to what ,i have to say of my life1--it was to me a great joy to consider my soul as a garden1 and our ,lord as walking in it4 ,i used to beseech ,him to increase the fragrance of the little flowers of virtues--which were beginning1 as it seemed to bud--and preserve them1 that they might be to ,his glory2 for ,i desired nothing for myself4 ,i prayed ,him to cut those ,he liked1 because ,i already knew that they would grow the better4 #ad4 ,i say cut2 for there are times in which the soul has no recollection of this garden--everything seems parched1 and there is no water to be had for preserving it--and in which it seems as if the soul had never possessed any virtue at all4 ,this is the season of heavy trials2 for our ,lord will have the poor gardener suppose all the trouble he took in maintaining and watering the garden to have been taken to no purpose4 ,then is the time really for weeding and rooting out every plant1 however small it may be1 that is worthless1 in the knowledge that no efforts of ours are sufficient1 if ,god withholds from us the waters of ,his grace2 and in despising ourselves as being nothing1 and even less than nothing4 ,in this way we gain great humility--the flowers grow afresh4 #ae4 ,o my ,lord and my ,good6 ,i cannot utter these words without tears1 and rejoicing in my soul2 for ,thou wilt be thus with us1 and art with us1 in the ,sacrament4 ,we may believe so most truly2 for so it is1 and the comparison ,i make is a great truth2 and1 if our sins stand not in the way1 we may rejoice in ,thee1 because ,thou rejoicest in us2 for ,thou hast told us that ,thy delight is to be with the children of men4 #g ,o my ,lord1 what does it mean8 ,whenever ,i hear these words1 they always give me great consolation1 and did so even when ,i was most wicked4 #af4 ,is it possible1 #j ,lord1 that there can be a soul which1 after attaining to this state wherein ,thou bestowest upon it the like graces and consolations1 and wherein it understands that ,thou delightest to be with it1 can yet fall back and offend ,thee after so many favours1 and such great demonstrations of the love ,thou bearest it1 and of which there cannot be any doubt1 because the effect of it is so visible8 ,such a soul there certainly is2 for ,i have done so1 not once1 but often4 ,may it please ,thy goodness1 ,o ,lord1 that ,i may be alone in my ingratitude--the only one who has committed so great an iniquity1 and whose ingratitude has been so immeasurable6 ,but even out of my ingratitude ,thine infinite goodness has brought forth some good2 and the greater my wickedness1 the greater the splendour of the great mercy of ,thy compassions4 ,oh1 what reasons have ,i to magnify them for ever6 #ag4 ,may it be so1 ,i beseech ,thee1 ,o my ,god1 and may ,i sing of them for ever1 now that ,thou hast been pleased to show mercies so great unto me that they who see them are astonished1 mercies which draw me out of myself continually1 that ,i may praise ,thee more and more6 for1 remaining in myself1 without ,thee1 ,i could do nothing1 ,o my ,lord1 but be as the withered flowers of the garden2 so that this miserable earth of mine becomes a heap of refuse1 as it was before4 ,let it not be so1 ,o ,lord6--let not a soul which ,thou hast purchased with so many labours be lost1 one which ,thou hast so often ransomed anew1 and delivered from between the teeth of the hideous dragon6 #ah4 ,you1 my father1 must forgive me for wandering from the subject2 and1 as ,i am speaking to the purpose ,i have in view1 you must not be surprised4 ,what ,i write is what my soul has understood2 and it is very often hard enough to abstain from the praises of ,god when1 in the course of writing1 the great debt ,i owe ,him presents itself before me4 ,nor do ,i think that it can be disagreeable to you2 because both of us1 ,i believe1 may sing the same song1 though in a different way2 for my debt is much the greater1 seeing that ,god has forgiven me more1 as you1 my father1 know4 #a4 #b ,cor4 v4 #ad3 ,charitas enim ,christi urget nos4 #b4 ,see ch4 xvii4 #ab2 ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 liii41 but xxxi4 of the old editions4 #c4 ,see ,relation1 i4 #ab4 #d4 #b ,cor4 xi4 #ad3 ,ipse enim ,satanas transfigurat se in angelum lucis4 #e4 ,see ch4 x4 #aa4 ,as that passage refers probably to the monastery of the ,incarnation1 this must refer to that of ,st4 ,joseph1 newly founded in ,avila2 for that of the ,incarnation was founded a short time before the ,saint was born2 and she could hardly say of it1 now that she was at least in her forty-seventh year1 that it was newly founded4 ,the house1 however1 was poor2 for she says1 ch4 xxxii4 #ab1 that the nuns occasionally quitted the monastery for a time1 because of its poverty4 #f4 ,see ch4 xviii4 #aj4 ,in the second ,report of the ,rota1 p4 #dgg--quoted by ,benedict ,,xiv41 ,de ,canoniz4 iii4 #bf1 n4 #ab1 and by the ,bollandists in the ,acta1 #acae--we have these words1 and they throw great light on the text3 ,sunt et alli testes de visu affirmantes quod quando beata ,teresa scribebat libros1 facies ejus resplendebat4 ,in the information taken in ,granada1 the ,mother ,anne of the ,incarnation says she saw the ,saint one night1 while writing the ,fortress of the ,soul1 with her face shining2 and ,mary of ,st4 ,francis deposes to the same effect in the informations taken in ,medina 7,de la ,fuente1 vol4 ii4 pp4 #chi1 #cib74 #g4 ,prov4 viii4 #ca3 ,delici me esse cum filiis hominum4 ,chapter ,,xv4 ,instructions for ,those ,who ,have ,attained to the ,prayer of ,quiet4 ,many ,advance ,so ,far1 but ,few ,go ,farther4 #a4 ,let us now go back to the subject4 ,this quiet and recollection of the soul makes itself in great measure felt in the satisfaction and peace1 attended with very great joy and repose of the faculties1 and most sweet delight1 wherein the soul is established4 #a ,it thinks1 because it has not gone beyond it1 that there is nothing further to wish for1 but that its abode might be there1 and it would willingly say so with ,st4 ,peter4 #b ,it dares not move nor stir1 because it thinks that this blessing it has received must then escape out of its hands2 now and then1 it could wish it did not even breathe4 #c ,the poor little soul is not aware that1 as of itself it could do nothing to draw down this blessing on itself1 it is still less able to retain it a moment longer than our ,lord wills it should remain4 #b4 ,i have already said that1 in the prior recollection and quiet1 #d there is no failure of the powers of the soul2 but the soul is so satisfied in ,god that1 although two of its powers be distracted1 yet1 while the recollection lasts1 as the will abides in union with ,god1 so its peace and quiet are not disturbed2 on the contrary1 the will by degrees brings the understanding and the memory back again2 for though the will is not yet altogether absorbed1 it continues still occupied without knowing how1 so that1 notwithstanding all the efforts of the memory and the understanding1 they cannot rob it of its delight and joy #e--yea1 rather1 it helps without any labour at all to keep this little spark of the love of ,god from being quenched4 #c4 ,oh1 that ,his ,majesty would be gracious unto me1 and enable me to give a clear account of the matter2 for many are the souls who attain to this state1 and few are they who go farther3 and ,i know not who is in fault2 most certainly it is not ,god2 for when ,his ,majesty shows mercy unto a soul1 so that it advances so far1 ,i believe that ,he will not fail to be more merciful still1 if there be no shortcomings on our part4 #d4 ,and it is of great importance for the soul that has advanced so far as this to understand the great dignity of its state1 the great grace given it by our ,lord1 and how in all reason it should not belong to earth2 because ,he1 of ,his goodness1 seems to make it here a denizen of heaven1 unless it be itself in fault4 ,and miserable will that soul be if it turns back2 it will go down1 ,i think so1 even to the abyss1 as ,i was going myself1 if the mercy of our ,lord had not brought me back2 because1 for the most part1 it must be the effect of grave faults--that is my opinion3 nor is it possible to forsake so great a good otherwise than through the blindness occasioned by much evil4 #e4 ,therefore1 for the love of our ,lord1 ,i implore those souls to whom ,his ,majesty has given so great a grace--the attainment of this state--to know and make much of themselves1 with a humble and holy presumption1 in order that they may never return to the flesh-pots of ,egypt4 ,and if through weakness and wickedness1 and a mean and wretched nature1 they should fall1 as ,i did1 let them always keep in mind the good they have lost2 let them suspect and fear--they have reason to do so--that1 if they do not resume their prayer1 they may go on from bad to worse4 ,i call that a real fall which makes us hate the way by which so great a good was obtained4 ,i address myself to those souls2 but ,i am not saying that they will never offend ,god1 nor fall into sin1--though there are good reasons why those who have received these graces should keep themselves carefully from sin2 but we are miserable creatures4 ,what ,i earnestly advise is this3 let there be no giving up of prayer2 it is by prayer they will understand what they are doing1 and obtain from our ,lord the grace to repent1 and strength to rise again2 they must believe and believe again that1 if they cease from praying1 they run--so ,i think--into danger4 ,i know not if ,i understand what ,i am saying2 for1 as ,i said before1 ,i measure others by myself4 #f #f4 ,the prayer of quiet1 then1 is a little spark of the true love of ,himself1 which our ,lord begins to enkindle in the soul2 and ,his will is1 that the soul should understand what this love is by the joy it brings4 ,this quiet and recollection and little spark1 if it is the work of the ,spirit of ,god1 and not a sweetness supplied by ,satan1 or brought about by ourselves1 produces great results4 ,a person of experience1 however1 cannot possibly fail to understand at once that it is not a thing that can be acquired1 were it not that our nature is so greedy of sweetness1 that it seeks for it in every way4 ,but it becomes cold very soon2 for1 however much we try to make the fire burn1 in order to obtain this sweetness1 it does not appear that we do anything else but throw water on it1 to put it out4 ,this spark1 then1 given of ,god1 however slight it may be1 causes a great crackling2 and if men do not quench it by their faults1 it is the beginning of the great fire1 which sends forth--,i shall speak of it in the proper place #g--the flames of that most vehement love of ,god which ,his ,majesty will have perfect souls to possess4 #g4 ,this little spark is a sign or pledge which ,god gives to a soul1 in token of ,his having chosen it for great things1 if it will prepare to receive them4 ,it is a great gift1 much too great for me to be able to speak of it4 ,it is a great sorrow to me2 because1 as ,i said before1 #h ,i know that many souls come thus far1 and that those who go farther1 as they ought to go1 are so few1 that ,i am ashamed to say it4 ,i do not mean that they are absolutely few3 there must be many1 because ,god is patient with us1 for some reasons2 ,i speak of what ,i have seen4 #h4 ,i should like much to recommend these souls to take care that they do not hide their talent2 for it may be that ,god has chosen them to be the edification of many others1 especially in these days1 when the friends of ,god should be strong1 in order that they may support the weak4 ,those who discern in themselves this grace1 must look upon themselves as such friends1 if they would fulfil the law which even the honourable friendship of the world respects2 if not1 as ,i said just now1 #i let them fear and tremble1 lest they should be doing mischief to themselves--and ,god grant it be to themselves only6 #i4 ,what the soul has to do at those seasons wherein it is raised to the prayer of quiet is nothing more than to be gentle and without noise4 ,by noise1 ,i mean going about with the understanding in search of words and reflections whereby to give ,god thanks for this grace1 and heaping up its sins and imperfections together to show that it does not deserve it4 ,all this commotion takes place now1 and the understanding comes forward1 and the memory is restless1 and certainly to me these powers bring much weariness at times2 for1 though my memory is not strong1 ,i cannot control it4 ,let the will quietly and wisely understand that it is not by dint of labour on our part that we can converse to any good purpose with ,god1 and that our own efforts are only great logs of wood1 laid on without discretion to quench this little spark2 and let it confess this1 and in humility say1 ,o ,lord1 what can ,i do here8 what has the servant to do with her ,lord1 and earth with heaven8 or words of love that suggest themselves now1 firmly grounded in the conviction that what it says is truth2 and let it make no account of the understanding1 which is simply tiresome4 #aj4 ,and if the will wishes to communicate to the understanding any portion of that the fruition of which itself has entered on1 or if it labours to make the understanding recollected1 it shall not succeed2 for it will often happen that the will is in union and at rest1 while the understanding is in extreme disorder4 ,it is better for it to leave it alone1 and not to run after it--,i am speaking of the will2 for the will should abide in the fruition of that grace1 recollected itself1 like the prudent bee2 for if no bees entered the hive1 and each of them wandered abroad in search of the rest1 the honey would hardly be made4 ,in the same way1 the soul will lose much if it be not careful now1 especially if the understanding be acute2 for when it begins to make reflections and search for reasons1 it will think at once that it is doing something if its reasons and reflections are good4 #aa4 ,the only reason that ought to be admitted now is to understand clearly that there is no reason whatever1 except ,his mere goodness1 why ,god should grant us so great a grace1 and to be aware that we are so near ,him1 and to pray to ,his ,majesty for mercies1 to make intercession for the ,church1 for those who had been recommended to us1 and for the souls in purgatory1--not1 however1 with noise of words1 but with a heartfelt desire to be heard4 ,this is a prayer that contains much1 and by it more is obtained than by many reflections of the understanding4 ,let the will stir up some of those reasons1 which proceed from reason itself1 to quicken its love1 such as the fact of its being in a better state1 and let it make certain acts of love1 as what it will do for ,him to whom it owes so much1--and that1 as ,i said just now1 without any noise of the understanding1 in the search after profound reflections4 ,a little straw1--and it will be less than straw1 if we bring it ourselves1--laid on with humility1 will be more effectual here1 and will help to kindle a fire more than many fagots of most learned reasons1 which1 in my opinion1 will put it out in a moment4 #ab4 ,this is good for those learned men who have commanded me to write1 #aj and who all1 by the goodness of ,god1 have come to this state2 for it may be that they spend the time in making applications of passages of the ,scriptures4 ,and though learning could not fail to be of great use to them1 both before and after prayer1 still1 in the very time of prayer itself1 there is little necessity for it1 in my opinion1 unless it be for the purpose of making the will tepid2 for the understanding then1 because of its nearness to the light1 is itself illuminated2 so that even ,i1 who am what ,i am1 seem to be a different person4 ,and so it is2 for it has happened to me1 who scarcely understand a word of what ,i read in ,latin1 and specially in the ,psalms1 when in the prayer of quiet1 not only to understand the ,latin as if it were ,spanish1 but1 still more1 to take a delight in dwelling on the meaning of that ,i knew through the ,spanish4 ,we must make an exception3 if these learned men have to preach or to teach1 they will do well to take advantage of their learning1 that they may help poor people of little learning1 of whom ,i am one4 ,charity is a great thing2 and so always is ministering unto souls1 when done simply for ,god4 #ac4 ,so1 then1 when the soul is in the prayer of quiet1 let it repose in its rest--let learning be put on one side4 ,the time will come when they may make use of it in the service of our ,lord--when they that possess it will appreciate it so highly as to be glad that they had not neglected it even for all the treasures of the world1 simply because it enables them to serve ,his ,majesty2 for it is a great help4 ,but in the eyes of ,infinite ,wisdom1 believe me1 a little striving after humility1 and a single act thereof1 are worth more than all the science in the world4 ,this is not the time for discussing1 but for understanding plainly what we are1 and presenting ourselves in simplicity before ,god1 who will have the soul make itself as a fool--as1 indeed1 it is--in ,his presence1 seeing that ,his ,majesty so humbles ,himself as to suffer it to be near ,him1 we being what we are4 #ad4 ,moreover1 the understanding bestirs itself to make its thanksgiving in phrases well arranged2 but the will1 in peace1 not daring to lift up its eyes with the publican1 #aa makes perhaps a better act of thanksgiving than the understanding1 with all the tropes of its rhetoric4 ,in a word1 mental prayer is not to be abandoned altogether now1 nor even vocal prayer1 if at any time we wish1 or can1 to make use of either of them2 for if the state of quiet be profound1 it becomes difficult to speak1 and it can be done only with great pain4 #ae4 ,i believe myself that we know whether this proceeds from the ,spirit of ,god1 or is brought about by endeavours of our own1 in the commencement of devotion which ,god gives2 and we seek of ourselves1 as ,i said before1 #ab to pass onwards to this quiet of the will4 ,then1 no effect whatever is produced2 it is quickly over1 and aridity is the result4 ,if it comes from ,satan1 the practised soul1 in my opinion1 will detect it1 because it leaves trouble behind1 and scant humility and poor dispositions for those effects which are wrought if it comes from ,god2 it leaves neither light in the understanding nor steadiness in the truth4 #ac #af4 ,here ,satan can do little or no harm1 if the soul directs unto ,god the joy and sweetness it then feels2 and if it fixes the thoughts and desires on ,him1 according to the advice already given1 the devil can gain nothing whatever--on the contrary1 by the permission of ,god1 he will lose much by that very joy which he causes in the soul1 because that joy will help the soul1 inasmuch as it thinks the joy comes from ,god1 to betake itself often to prayer in its desire for it4 ,and if the soul is humble1 indifferent to1 and detached from1 all joy1 however spiritual1 and if it loves the cross1 it will make no account of the sweetness which ,satan sends4 ,but it cannot so deal with that which comes from the ,spirit of ,god2 of that it will make much4 ,now1 when ,satan sends it1 as he is nothing but a lie1 and when he sees that the soul humbles itself through that joy and sweetness--and here1 in all things relating to prayer and sweetness1 we must be very careful to endeavour to make ourselves humble1--,satan will not often repeat his work1 when he sees that he loses by it4 #ag4 ,for this and for many other reasons1 when ,i was speaking of the first degree of prayer1 and of the first method of drawing the water1 #ad ,i insisted upon it that the great affair of souls is1 when they begin to pray1 to begin also to detach themselves from every kind of joy1 and to enter on it resolved only on helping to carry the cross of ,christ like good soldiers1 willing to serve their ,king without present pay1 because they are sure of it at last1 having their eyes directed to the true and everlasting kingdom at the conquest of which we are aiming4 #ah4 ,it is a very great matter to have this always before our eyes1 especially in the beginning2 afterwards1 it becomes so clear1 that it is rather a matter of necessity to forget it1 in order to live on4 ,now1 labouring to keep in mind that all things here below are of short duration1 that they are all nothing1 that the rest we have here is to be accounted as none1--all this1 ,i say1 seems to be exceedingly low2 and so1 indeed1 it is1--because those who have gone on to greater perfection would look upon it as a reproach1 and be ashamed of themselves1 if they thought that they were giving up the goods of this world because they are perishable1 or that they would not be glad to give them up for ,god--even if they were to last for ever4 ,the greater the perfection of these persons1 the greater their joy1 and the greater also would that joy be if the duration of these worldly goods were greater4 #ai4 ,in these persons1 thus far advanced1 love is already grown1 and love is that which does this work4 ,but as to beginners1 to them it is of the utmost importance1 and they must not regard this consideration as unbecoming1 for the blessings to be gained are great1--and that is why ,i recommend it so much to them2 for they will have need of it--even those who have attained to great heights of prayer--at certain times1 when ,god will try them1 and when ,his ,majesty seems to have forsaken them4 #bj4 ,i have said as much already1 and ,i would not have it forgotten1 #ae in this our life on earth1 the growth of the soul is not like that of the body4 ,we1 however1 so speak of it--and1 in truth1 it does grow4 ,a youth that is grown up1 whose body is formed1 and who is become a man1 does not ungrow1 nor does his body lessen in size2 but as to the soul1 it so is by our ,lord's will1 so far as ,i have seen it in my own experience1--but ,i know nothing of it in any other way4 ,it must be in order to humble us for our greater good1 and to keep us from being careless during our exile2 seeing that he who has ascended the higher has the more reason to be afraid1 and to be less confident in himself4 ,a time may come when they whose will is so wrapt up in the will of ,god--and who1 rather than fall into a single imperfection1 would undergo torture and suffer a thousand deaths--will find it necessary1 if they would be delivered from offending ,god1 and from the commission of sin1 to make use of the first armour of prayer1 to call to mind how everything is coming to an end1 that there is a heaven and a hell1 and to make use of other reflections of that nature1 when they find themselves assailed by temptations and persecutions4 #ba4 ,let us go back to what ,i was saying4 ,the great source of our deliverance from the cunning devices and the sweetness which ,satan sends is to begin with a resolution to walk in the way of the ,cross from the very first1 and not to desire any sweetness at all1 seeing that our ,lord ,himself has pointed out to us the way of perfection1 saying1 ,take up thy cross and follow ,me4 #af ,he is our example2 and whosoever follows ,his counsels only to please ,him has nothing to fear4 ,in the improvement which they detect in themselves1 they who do so will see that this is no work of ,satan and if they fall1 they have a sign of the presence of our ,lord in their rising again at once4 ,they have other signs1 also1 of which ,i am going to speak4 #bb4 ,when it is the work of the ,spirit of ,god1 there is no necessity for going about searching for reasons1 on the strength of which we may elicit acts of humility and of shame1 because our ,lord ,himself supplies them in a way very different from that by which we could acquire them by our own poor reflections1 which are as nothing in comparison with that real humility arising out of the light which our ,lord here gives us1 and which begets a confusion of face that undoes us4 ,the knowledge with which ,god supplies us1 in order that we may know that of ourselves we have no good in us1 is perfectly apprehended--and the more perfectly1 the greater the graces4 ,it fills us with a great desire of advancing in prayer1 and of never giving it up1 whatever troubles may arise4 ,the soul offers to suffer everything4 ,a certain security1 joined with humility and fear concerning our salvation1 casts out servile fear at once from the soul1 and in its place plants a loyal fear #ag of more perfect growth4 #ah ,there is a visible beginning of a love of ,god1 utterly divested of all self-interest1 together with a longing after seasons of solitude1 in order to obtain a greater fruition of this good4 #bc4 ,in short1 not to weary myself1 it is the beginning of all good2 the flowers have so thriven1 that they are on the point of budding4 ,and this the soul sees most clearly1 and it is impossible to persuade it now that ,god was not with it1 till it turns back upon itself1 and beholds its own failings and imperfections4 ,then it fears for everything2 and it is well it should do so--though there are souls whom the certain conviction that ,god is with them benefits more than all the fear they may ever have4 ,if a soul love greatly1 and is thankful naturally1 the remembrance of the mercies of ,god makes it turn to ,him more effectually than all the chastisements of hell it can ever picture to itself--at least1 it was so with me1 though ,i am so wicked4 #bd4 ,as ,i shall speak at greater length of the signs of a good spirit #ai--;it has cost me much labour to be clear about them--,i do not treat of them here4 ,i believe1 too1 that1 with the help of ,god1 ,i shall be able to speak somewhat to the point1 because--setting aside the experience ,i have had1 and by which ,i learned much--,i have had the help of some most learned men and persons of great holiness1 whom we may reasonably believe in the matter4 ,souls1 therefore1 are not to weary themselves so much as ,i did1 when1 by the goodness of our ,lord1 they may have come to this state4 #a4 ,see ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 liii41 but ch4 xxxii of the old edition4 #b4 ,st4 ,matt4 xvii4 #d3 ,bonum est nos hic esse4 #c4 ,see ch4 xvii4 #f4 #d4 ,ch4 x4 #a4 #e4 ,ch4 xiv4 #c1 #d4 #f4 ,ch4 x4 #i4 #g4 ,ch4 xviii4 #d1 and ch4 xxi4 #i4 #h4 #c4 #i4 #e4 #aj4 ,ch4 x4 #a4 #aa4 ,st4 ,luke xviii4 #ac3 ,nolebat nec oculos ad coelum levare4 #ab4 ,ch4 xii4 #e4 #ac4 ,firmeza en la verdad4 ,francisco de ,st4 ,thoma1 in his ,medulla ,mystica1 p4 #bjd1 quoting this passage1 has1 firmeza en la voluntad4 ,philip a ,,ss4 ,trinitate1 ,theolog4 ,mystic4 p4 #ced1 and his ,abbreviator1 ,anton4 a ,sp4 ,sancto1 ,direct4 ,mystic4 tr4 iv4 disp4 i4 #aa1 n4 #id1 seem also to have preferred voluntad to verdad2 for the words they use are1 nec intellectui lux nec voluntati firmitas2 and1 defectus lucis in intellectu1 et firmitatis in voluntate4 #ad4 ,ch4 xi4 #af4 #ae4 ,ch4 xiii4 #bc4 #af4 ,st4 ,matt4 xvi4 #bd3 ,tollat crucem suam et sequatur ,me4 #ag4 ,fiel temor4 ,in the previous editions it was filial4 #ah4 ,ch4 xi4 #a4 #ai4 ,see ch4 xxv4 ,chapter ,,xvi4 ,the ,third ,state of ,prayer4 ,deep ,matters4 ,what the ,soul ,can ,do ,that ,has ,reached ,it4 ,effects of the ,great ,graces of ,our ,lord4 #a4 ,let us now speak of the third water wherewith this garden is watered1--water running from a river or from a brook1--whereby the garden is watered with very much less trouble1 although there is some in directing the water4 #a ,in this state our ,lord will help the gardener1 and in such a way as to be1 as it were1 the ,gardener ,himself1 doing all the work4 ,it is a sleep of the powers of the soul1 which are not wholly lost1 nor yet understanding how they are at work4 ,the pleasure1 sweetness1 and delight are incomparably greater than in the former state of prayer2 and the reason is1 that the waters of grace have risen up to the neck of the soul1 so that it can neither advance nor retreat--nor does it know how to do so2 it seeks only the fruition of exceeding bliss4 ,it is like a dying man with the candle in his hand1 on the point of dying the death desired4 ,it is rejoicing in this agony with unutterable joy2 to me it seems to be nothing else but a death1 as it were1 to all the things of this world1 and a fruition of ,god4 ,i know of no other words whereby to describe it or to explain it2 neither does the soul then know what to do1--for it knows not whether to speak or be silent1 whether it should laugh or weep4 ,it is a glorious folly1 a heavenly madness1 wherein true wisdom is acquired2 and to the soul a kind of fruition most full of delight4 #b #b4 ,it is now some five or six years1 ,i believe1 since our ,lord raised me to this state of prayer1 in its fulness1 and that more than once1--and ,i never understood it1 and never could explain it2 and so ,i was resolved1 when ,i should come thus far in my story1 to say very little or nothing at all4 ,i knew well enough that it was not altogether the union of all the faculties1 and yet most certainly it was higher than the previous state of prayer2 but ,i confess that ,i could not determine and understand the difference4 #c4 ,the humility of your reverence1 willing to be helped by a simplicity so great as mine1 has been the cause1 ,i believe1 why our ,lord1 to-day1 after ,communion1 admitted me to this state of prayer1 without the power of going further1 and suggested to me these comparisons1 and taught me how to speak of it1 and of what the soul must do therein4 ,certainly1 ,i was amazed1 and in a moment understood it all4 ,i have often been thus1 as it were1 beside myself1 drunk with love1 and yet never could understand how it was4 ,i knew well that it was the work of ,god1 but ,i never was able to understand the manner of ,his working here2 for1 in fact1 the faculties are almost all completely in union1 yet not so absorbed that they do not act4 ,i have been singularly delighted in that ,i have been able to comprehend the matter at last4 ,blessed be our ,lord1 who has thus consoled me6 #d4 ,the faculties of the soul now retain only the power of occupying themselves wholly with ,god2 not one of them ventures to stir1 neither can we move one of them without making great efforts to distract ourselves--and1 indeed1 ,i do not think we can do it at all at this time4 ,many words are then uttered in praise of ,god--but disorderly1 unless it be that our ,lord orders them himself4 ,at least1 the understanding is utterly powerless here2 the soul longs to send forth words of praise1 but it has no control over itself1--it is in a state of sweet restlessness4 ,the flowers are already opening2 they are beginning to send forth their fragrance4 #e4 ,the soul in this state would have all men behold and know of its bliss1 to the praise of ,god1 and help it to praise ,him4 ,it would have them to be partakers of its joy2 for its joy is greater than it can bear4 ,it seems to me that it is like the woman in the ,gospel1 who would1 or used to1 call in her neighbours4 #c ,the admirable spirit of ,david1 the royal prophet1 must have felt in the same way1 so it seems to me1 when he played on the harp1 singing the praises of ,god4 ,i have a very great devotion to this glorious king2 #d and ,i wish all had it1 particularly those who are sinners like myself4 #f4 ,o my ,god1 what must that soul be when it is in this state8 ,it wishes it were all tongue1 in order that it may praise our ,lord4 ,it utters a thousand holy follies1 striving continually to please ,him by whom it is thus possessed4 ,i know one #e who1 though she was no poet1 yet composed1 without any preparation1 certain stanzas1 full of feeling1 most expressive of her pain3 they were not the work of her own understanding2 but1 in order to have a greater fruition of that bliss which so sweet a pain occasioned her1 she complained of it in that way to ,god4 ,she was willing to be cut in pieces1 soul and body1 to show the delight she felt in that pain4 ,to what torments could she be then exposed1 that would not be delicious to endure for her ,lord8 ,she sees clearly that the martyrs did little or nothing1 so far as they were concerned1 when they endured their tortures1 because the soul is well aware that its strength is derived from another source4 #g4 ,but what will be its sufferings when it returns to the use of the senses1 to live in the world1 and go back to the anxieties and the fashions thereof8 ,i do not think that ,i have exaggerated in any way1 but rather have fallen short1 in speaking of that joy1 which our ,lord1 of ,his good pleasure1 gives to the soul in this its exile4 ,blessed for ever be ,thou1 ,o ,lord6 and may all created things praise ,thee for ever6 #h4 ,o my ,king1 seeing that ,i am now1 while writing this1 still under the power of this heavenly madness1 an effect of ,thy mercy and goodness1--and it is a mercy ,i never deserved1--grant1 ,i beseech ,thee1 that all those with whom ,i may have to converse may become mad through ,thy love1 or let me converse with none1 or so order it that ,i may have nothing to do in the world1 or take me away from it4 ,this ,thy servant1 ,o my ,god1 is no longer able to endure sufferings so great as those are which she must bear when she sees herself without ,thee if she must live1 she seeks no repose in this life1--and do ,thou give her none4 ,this my soul longs to be free--eating is killing it1 and sleep is wearisome2 it sees itself wasting the time of this life in comforts1 and that there is no comfort for it now but in ,thee2 it seems to be living contrary to nature--for now1 it desires to live not in itself1 but in ,thee4 #i4 ,o my true ,lord and my happiness6 what a cross hast ,thou prepared for those who attain to this state6--light and most heavy at the same time3 light1 because sweet2 heavy1 because now and then there is no patience left to endure it--and yet the soul never wishes to be delivered from it1 unless it be that it may come to ,thee4 ,when the soul remembers that it has never served ,thee at all1 and that by living on it may do ,thee some service1 it longs for a still heavier cross1 and never to die before the end of the world4 ,its own repose it counts as nothing in comparison with doing a slight service to ,thee4 ,it knows not what to desire2 but it clearly understands that it desires nothing else but ,thee4 #aj4 ,o my son1 #f so humble is he to whom this writing is directed1 and who has commanded me to write1 that he suffers himself to be thus addressed1--you1 my father1 only must see these things1 in which ,i seem to have transgressed all bounds2 for no reason can keep me reasonable when our ,lord draws me out of myself4 ,since my communion this morning1 #g ,i do not believe that ,i am the person who is speaking2 ,i seem to be dreaming the things ,i see1 and ,i wish ,i might never see any but people ill1 as ,i am now4 ,i beseech you1 my father1 let us all be mad1 for the love of ,him who for our sakes suffered men to say of ,him that ,he was mad4 #h #aa4 ,you1 my father1 say that you wish me well4 ,i wish you would prove it by disposing yourself so that ,god may bestow this grace upon you2 for ,i see very few people who have not too much sense for everything they have to do3 and it may be that ,i have more than anybody else4 ,your reverence must not allow it2 you are my father1 for you are my confessor1 and the person to whom ,i have trusted my soul2 disperse my delusions by telling the truth2 for truths of this sort are very rarely told4 #ab4 ,i wish we five1 who now love one another in our ,lord1 had made some such arrangement as this3 as others in these times have met together in secret #i to plot wickedness and heresies against ,his ,majesty1 so we might contrive to meet together now and then1 in order to undeceive one another1 to tell each other wherein we might improve ourselves1 and be more pleasing unto ,god2 for there is no one that knows himself as well as he is known of others who see him1 if it be with eyes of love and the wish to do him good4 ,i say2 in secret2 for language of this kind is no longer in use2 even preachers go about arranging their sermons so as to displease no one4 #aj ,they have a good intention1 and their work is good2 yet still few amend their lives4 ,but how is it that they are not many who1 in consequence of these sermons1 abstain from public sins8 ,well1 ,i think it is because the preachers are highly sensible men4 ,they are not burning with the great fire of the love of ,god1 as the ,apostles were1 casting worldly prudence aside2 and so their fire throws out but little heat4 ,i do not say that their fire ought to burn like that of the ,apostles1 but ,i do wish it were a stronger fire than ,i see it is4 ,do you1 my father1 know wherein much of this fire consists8 ,in the hatred of this life1 in the desertion of its honours1 in being utterly indifferent whether we lose or gain anything or everything1 provided the truth be told and maintained for the glory of ,god2 for he who is courageously in earnest for ,god1 looks upon loss or gain indifferently4 ,i do not say that ,i am a person of this kind1 but ,i wish ,i was4 #ac4 ,oh1 grand freedom1 to regard it as a captivity to be obliged to live and converse with men according to the laws of the world6 ,it is the gift of our ,lord2 there is not a slave who would not imperil everything that he might escape and return to his country2 and as this is the true road1 there is no reason why we should linger2 for we shall never effectually gain a treasure so great1 so long as this life is not ended4 ,may our ,lord give us ,his grace for that end6 ,you1 my father1 if it shall seem good to you1 will tear up what ,i have written1 and consider it as a letter for yourself alone1 and forgive me that ,i have been very bold4 #a4 ,the third degree1 or third water1 of the ,saint1 must begin1 ,i think1 with the prayer of infused recollection1 include that of infused quiet1 and end in that of inebriation2 because it is not in our power to draw this water--all we can do is to direct the stream4 7,francis4 de ,st4 ,thoma1 ,medulla ,mystica1 tr4 iv4 ch4 xii4 p4 #bjh74 #b4 ,see ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,spirit4 ,canticle1 stanza xvii4 vol4 ii4 p4 #ih1 ,engl4 trans4 #c4 ,st4 ,luke xv4 #i3 ,convocat amicas et vicinas4 #d4 ,foundations1 ch4 xxix4 #i4 #e4 ,the ,saint herself 7,de la ,fuente74 #f4 ,this was either ,f4 ,ybaez or the ,inquisitor ,soto1 if the expression did not occur in the first ,life4 ,f4 ,dom4 ,baes struck out son1 and wrote father in its place1 omitting the words1 so humble is he 7,de la ,fuente74 #g4 ,see #c1 above4 #h4 ,st4 ,john x4 #bj3 ,dmonium habet et insanit4 #i4 ,the ,saint refers to the secret meetings of heretics in ,valladolid1 under the direction of a fallen priest1 the ,doctor ,agostino ,cazalla1 whose vanity led him to imitate ,luther4 ,some nuns in ,valladolid were imprisoned1 ,cazalla strangled1 and his body burnt1 in #aeei 7,de la ,fuente74 #aj4 ,father ,baes wrote here on the margin of the ,saint's ,,ms1 ,legant prdicatores 7,de la ,fuente74 ,chapter ,,xvii4 ,the ,third ,state of ,prayer4 ,the ,effects ,thereof4 ,the ,hindrance ,caused by the ,imagination and the ,memory4 #a4 ,enough has been said of this manner of prayer1 and of what the soul has to do1 or rather1 to speak more correctly1 of what ,god is doing within it2 for it is ,he who now takes upon ,himself the gardener's work1 and who will have the soul take its ease2 except that the will is consenting to the graces1 the fruition of which it has1 and that it must resign itself to all that the ,true ,wisdom would accomplish in it--for which it is certain it has need of courage2 because the joy is so great1 that the soul seems now and then to be on the very point of going forth out of the body3 and what a blessed death that would be6 ,now1 ,i think it is for the soul's good--as you1 my father1 have been told--to abandon itself into the arms of ,god altogether2 if ,he will take it to heaven1 let it go2 if to hell1 no matter1 as it is going thither with its sovereign ,good4 ,if life is to come to an end for ever1 so it wills2 if it is to last a thousand years1 it wills that also3 ,his ,majesty may do with it as with ,his own property1--the soul no longer belongs to itself1 it has been given wholly to our ,lord2 let it cast all care utterly away4 #b4 ,my meaning is that1 in a state of prayer1 so high as this1 the soul understands that ,god is doing ,his work without any fatiguing of the understanding1 except that1 as it seems to me1 it is as if amazed in beholding our ,lord taking upon ,himself the work of the good gardener1 refusing to let the soul undergo any labour whatever1 but that of taking its pleasure in the flowers beginning to send forth their fragrance2 for when ,god raises a soul up to this state1 it can do all this1 and much more1--for these are the effects of it4 #c4 ,in one of these visits1 how brief soever it may be1 the ,gardener1 being who ,he is1--in a word1 the ,creator of the water1--pours the water without stint2 and what the poor soul1 with the labour1 perhaps1 of twenty years in fatiguing the understanding1 could not bring about1 that the heavenly ,gardener accomplishes in an instant1 causing the fruit both to grow and ripen2 so that the soul1 such being the will of our ,lord1 may derive its sustenance from its garden4 ,but ,he allows it not to divide the fruit with others1 until by eating thereof1 it is strong enough not to waste it in the mere tasting of it1--giving to ,him none of the produce1 nor making any compensation for it to ,him who supplies it1--lest it should be maintaining others1 feeding them at its own cost1 and itself perhaps dying of hunger4 #a ,the meaning of this is perfectly clear for those who have understanding enough to apply it--much more clear than ,i can make it2 and ,i am tired4 #d4 ,finally1 the virtues are now stronger than they were during the preceding prayer of quiet2 for the soul sees itself to be other than it was1 and it knows not how it is beginning to do great things in the odour which the flowers send forth2 it being our ,lord's will that the flowers should open1 in order that the soul may believe itself to be in possession of virtue2 though it sees most clearly that it cannot1 and never could1 acquire them in many years1 and that the heavenly ,gardener has given them to it in that instant4 ,now1 too1 the humility of the soul is much greater and deeper than it was before2 because it sees more clearly that it did neither much nor little1 beyond giving its consent that our ,lord might work those graces in it1 and then accepting them willingly4 #e4 ,this state of prayer seems to me to be a most distinct union of the whole soul with ,god1 but for this1 that ,his ,majesty appears to give the faculties leave to be intent upon1 and have the fruition of1 the great work ,he is doing then4 ,it happens at times1 and indeed very often1 that1 the will being in union1 the soul should be aware of it1 and see that the will is a captive and in joy1 that the will alone is abiding in great peace1--while1 on the other hand1 the understanding and the memory are so free1 that they can be employed in affairs and be occupied in works of charity4 ,i say this1 that you1 my father1 may see it is so1 and understand the matter when it shall happen to yourself2 at least1 it carried me out of myself1 and that is the reason why ,i speak of it here4 #f4 ,it differs from the prayer of quiet1 of which ,i have spoken1 #b though it does seem as if it were all one with it4 ,in that prayer1 the soul1 which would willingly neither stir nor move1 is delighting in the holy repose of ,mary2 but in this prayer it can be like ,martha also4 #c ,accordingly1 the soul is1 as it were1 living the active and contemplative life at once1 and is able to apply itself to works of charity and the affairs of its state1 and to spiritual reading4 ,still1 those who arrive at this state1 are not wholly masters of themselves1 and are well aware that the better part of the soul is elsewhere4 ,it is as if we were speaking to one person1 and another speaking to us at the same time1 while we ourselves are not perfectly attentive either to the one or the other4 ,it is a state that is most easily ascertained1 and one1 when attained to1 that ministers great joy and contentment1 and that prepares the soul in the highest degree1 by observing times of solitude1 or of freedom from business1 for the attainment of the most tranquil quietude4 ,it is like the life of a man who is full1 requiring no food1 with his appetite satisfied1 so that he will not eat of everything set before him1 yet not so full either as to refuse to eat if he saw any desirable food4 ,so the soul has no satisfaction in the world1 and seeks no pleasure in it then2 because it has in itself that which gives it a greater satisfaction1 greater joys in ,god1 longings for the satisfaction of its longing to have a deeper joy in being with ,him--this is what the soul seeks4 #g4 ,there is another kind of union1 which1 though not a perfect union1 is yet more so than the one of which ,i have just spoken2 but not so much so as this spoken of as the third water4 ,you1 my father1 will be delighted greatly if our ,lord should bestow them all upon you1 if you have them not already1 to find an account of the matter in writing1 and to understand it2 for it is one grace that our ,lord gives grace2 and it is another grace to understand what grace and what gift it is2 and it is another and further grace to have the power to describe and explain it to others4 ,though it does not seem that more than the first of these--the giving of the grace--is necessary to enable the soul to advance without confusion and fear1 and to walk with the greater courage in the way of our ,lord1 trampling under foot all the things of this world1 it is a great advantage and a great grace to understand it2 for every one who has it has great reason to praise our ,lord2 and so1 also1 has he who has it not3 because ,his ,majesty has bestowed it upon some person living who is to make us profit by it4 #h4 ,this union1 of which ,i would now speak1 frequently occurs1 particularly to myself4 ,god has very often bestowed such a grace upon me1 whereby ,he constrains the will1 and even the understanding1 as it seems to me1 seeing that it makes no reflections1 but is occupied in the fruition of ,god3 like a person who looks on1 and sees so many things1 that he knows not where to look--one object puts another out of sight1 and none of them leaves any impression behind4 #i4 ,the memory remains free1 and it must be so1 together with the imagination2 and so1 when it finds itself alone1 it is marvellous to behold what war it makes on the soul1 and how it labours to throw everything into disorder4 ,as for me1 ,i am wearied by it1 and ,i hate it2 and very often do ,i implore our ,lord to deprive me of it on these occasions1 if ,i am to be so much troubled by it4 ,now and then1 ,i say to ,him3 ,o my ,god1 when shall my soul praise ,thee without distraction1 not dissipated in this way1 unable to control itself6 ,i understand now the mischief that sin has done1 in that it has rendered us unable to do what we desire--to be always occupied in ,god4 #d #aj4 ,i say that it happens to me from time to time1--it has done so this very day1 and so ,i remember it well1--to see my soul tear itself1 in order to find itself there where the greater part of it is1 and to see1 at the same time1 that it is impossible3 because the memory and the imagination assail it with such force1 that it cannot prevail against them2 yet1 as the other faculties give them no assistance1 they are not able to do it any harm--none whatever2 they do enough when they trouble its rest4 ,when ,i say they do no harm1 my meaning is1 that they cannot really hurt it1 because they have not strength enough1 and because they are too discursive4 ,as the understanding gives no help1 neither much nor little1 in the matters put before the soul1 they never rest anywhere1 but hurry to and fro1 like nothing else but gnats at night1 troublesome and unquiet3 and so they go about from one subject to another4 #aa4 ,this comparison seems to me to be singularly to the purpose2 for the memory and the imagination1 though they have no power to do any harm1 are very troublesome4 ,i know of no remedy for it2 and1 hitherto1 ,god has told me of none4 ,if ,he had1 most gladly would ,i make use of it2 for ,i am1 as ,i say1 tormented very often4 ,this shows our wretchedness and brings out most distinctly the great power of ,god1 seeing that the faculty which is free hurts and wearies us so much2 while the others1 occupied with ,his ,majesty1 give us rest4 #ab4 ,the only remedy ,i have found1 after many years of weariness1 is that ,i spoke of when ,i was describing the prayer of quiet3 #e to make no more account of it than of a madman1 but let it go with its subject2 for ,god alone can take it from it1--in short1 it is a slave here4 ,we must bear patiently with it1 as ,jacob bore with ,lia2 for our ,lord showeth us mercy enough when we are allowed to have ,rachel with us4 #ac4 ,i say that it remains a slave2 for1 after all1 let it do what it will1 it cannot drag the other faculties in its train2 on the contrary1 they1 without taking any trouble1 compel it to follow after them4 ,sometimes ,god is pleased to take pity on it1 when ,he sees it so lost and so unquiet1 through the longing it has to be united with the other faculties1 and ,his ,majesty consents to its burning itself in the flame of that divine candle by which the others are already reduced to ashes1 and their nature lost1 being1 as it were1 supernaturally in the fruition of blessings so great4 #ad4 ,in all these states of prayer of which ,i have spoken1 while explaining this last method of drawing the water out of the well1 so great is the bliss and repose of the soul1 that even the body most distinctly shares in its joy and delight1--and this is most plain2 and the virtues continue to grow1 as ,i said before4 #f ,it seems to have been the good pleasure of our ,lord to explain these states of prayer1 wherein the soul finds itself1 with the utmost clearness possible1 ,i think1 here on earth4 #ae4 ,do you1 my father1 discuss it with any spiritual person who has arrived at this state1 and is learned4 ,if he says of it1 it is well1 you may believe that ,god has spoken it1 and you will give thanks to ,his ,majesty2 for1 as ,i said just now1 #g in the course of time you will rejoice greatly in that you have understood it4 ,meanwhile1 if ,he does not allow you to understand what it is1 though ,he does give you the possession of it1 yet1 with your intellect and learning1 seeing that ,his ,majesty has given you the first1 you will know what it is1 by the help of what ,i have written here4 ,unto ,him be praise for ever and ever6 ,amen4 #a4 ,see ch4 xix4 #d4 #b4 ,ch4 xv4 #a4 #c4 ,see ,relation1 viii4 #f2 and ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 liii41 but ch xxxi4 of former editions4 ,see also ,concept4 of the ,love of ,god1 ch4 vii4 #d4 ,see ,relation1 viii4 #ag4 #e4 ,ch4 xiv4 #d4 ,see also ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 liii41 but ch4 xxxi4 of the old editions4 #f4 ,ch4 xiv4 #f4 #g4 #g4 ,chapter ,,xviii4 ,the ,fourth ,state of ,prayer4 ,the ,great ,dignity of the ,soul ,raised to ,it by ,our ,lord4 ,attainable on ,earth1 ,not by ,our ,merit1 but by the ,goodness of ,our ,lord4 #a4 ,may our ,lord teach me words whereby ,i may in some measure describe the fourth water4 #a ,i have great need of ,his help--even more than ,i had while speaking of the last2 for in that the soul still feels that it is not dead altogether4 ,we may thus speak1 seeing that to the world it is really dead4 ,but1 as ,i have said1 #b it retains the sense to see that it is in the world1 and to feel its own loneliness2 and it makes use of that which is outward for the purpose of manifesting its feelings1 at least by signs4 ,in the whole of the prayer already spoken of1 and in all the states of it1 the gardener undergoes some labour3 though in the later states the labour is attended with so much bliss and comfort of the soul1 that the soul would never willingly pass out of it1--and thus the labour is not felt as labour1 but as bliss4 #b4 ,in this the fourth state there is no sense of anything1 only fruition1 without understanding what that is the fruition of which is granted4 ,it is understood that the fruition is of a certain good containing in itself all good together at once2 but this good is not comprehended4 ,the senses are all occupied in this fruition in such a way that not one of them is at liberty1 so as to be able to attend to anything else1 whether outward or inward4 #c4 ,the senses were permitted before1 as ,i have said1 #c to give some signs of the great joy they feel2 but now1 in this state1 the joy of the soul is incomparably greater1 and the power of showing it is still less2 for there is no power in the body1 and the soul has none1 whereby this fruition can be made known4 ,everything of that kind would be a great hindrance1 a torment1 and a disturbance of its rest4 ,and ,i say1 if it really be a union of all the faculties1 that the soul1 even if it wished1--,i mean1 when it is in union1--cannot make it known2 and if it can1 then it is not union at all4 #d4 ,how this1 which we call union1 is effected1 and what it is1 ,i cannot tell4 ,mystical theology explains it1 and ,i do not know the terms of that science2 nor can ,i understand what the mind is1 nor how it differs from the soul or the spirit either3 all three seem to me but one2 though ,i do know that the soul sometimes leaps forth out of itself1 like a fire that is burning and is become a flame2 and occasionally this fire increases violently--the flame ascends high above the fire2 but it is not therefore a different thing3 it is still the same flame of the same fire4 ,your learning1 my fathers1 will enable you to understand the matter2 ,i can go no further4 #e4 ,what ,i undertake to explain is that which the soul feels when it is in the divine union4 ,it is plain enough what union is--two distinct things becoming one4 ,o my ,lord1 how good ,thou art6 ,blessed be ,thou for ever1 ,o my ,god6 ,let all creatures praise ,thee1 ,who hast so loved us that we can truly speak of this communication which ,thou hast with souls in this our exile6 ,yea1 even if they be good souls1 it is on ,thy part great munificence and magnanimity1--in a word1 it is ,thy munificence1 ,o my ,lord1 seeing that ,thou givest like ,thyself4 ,o infinite ,munificence6--how magnificent are ,thy works6 ,even he whose understanding is not occupied with the things of earth is amazed that he is unable to understand these truths4 ,why1 then1 give graces so high to souls who have been such great sinners8 ,truly1 this passeth my understanding2 and when ,i come to think of it1 ,i can get no further4 ,is there any way at all for me to go on which is not a going back8 ,for1 as to giving ,thee thanks for mercies so great1 ,i know not how to do it4 ,sometimes ,i relieve myself by giving utterance to follies4 ,it often happens to me1 either when ,i receive these graces1 or when ,god is about to bestow them1--for1 in the midst of them1 ,i have already said1 #d ,i was able to do nothing1--that ,i would break out into words like these4 #f4 ,o ,lord1 consider what ,thou art doing2 forget not so soon the great evils that ,i have done4 ,to forgive me1 ,thou must already have forgotten them2 yet1 in order that there may be some limit to ,thy graces1 ,i beseech ,thee remember them4 ,o my ,creator1 pour not a liquor so precious into a vessel so broken2 for ,thou hast already seen how on other occasions ,i allowed it to run waste4 ,lay not up treasure like this1 where the longing after the consolations of this life is not so mortified as it ought to be2 for it will be utterly lost4 ,how canst ,thou commit the defence of the city1 and the keys of its fortress to a commander so cowardly1 who at the first assault will let the enemy enter within8 ,oh1 let not ,thy love be so great1 ,o ,king ,eternal1 as to imperil jewels so precious6 ,o my ,lord1 to me it seems that it becomes a ground for undervaluing them1 when ,thou puttest them in the power of one so wretched1 so vile1 so frail1 so miserable1 and so worthless as ,i am1 who1 though she may labour not to lose them1 by the help of ,thy grace1--and ,i have need of no little grace for that end1 being what ,i am1--is not able to win over any one to ,thee1--in short1 ,i am a woman1 not good1 but wicked4 ,it seems to me that the talents are not only hidden1 but buried1 when they are committed to earth so vile4 ,it is not ,thy wont1 ,o ,lord1 to bestow graces and mercies like these upon a soul1 unless it be that it may edify many4 #g4 ,thou1 ,o my ,god1 knowest already that ,i beg this of ,thee with my whole will1 from the bottom of my heart1 and that ,i have done so more than once1 and ,i account it a blessing to lose the greatest blessings which may be had on earth1 if ,thou wouldst but bestow these graces upon him who will make a better use of them to the increase of ,thy glory4 ,these1 and expressions like these1 it has happened to me often to utter4 ,i saw afterwards my own foolishness and want of humility2 for our ,lord knoweth well what is expedient1 and that there is no strength in my soul to be saved1 if ,his ,majesty did not give it with graces so great4 #h4 ,i purpose also to speak of the graces and effects which abide in the soul1 and of that which the soul itself can do1 or rather1 if it can do anything of itself towards attaining to a state so high4 ,the elevation of the spirit1 or union1 comes together with heavenly love but1 as ,i understand it1 union is a different thing from elevation in union itself4 ,to him who may not have had any experience of the latter1 it must seem that it is not2 and1 according to my view of it1 even if they are both one1 the operations of our ,lord therein are different3 there is a growth of the soul's detachment from creatures more abundantly still in the flight of the spirit4 #e ,i have clearly seen that this is a particular grace1 though1 as ,i say1 it may be the same1 or seem to be so1 with the other2 but a little fire1 also1 is as much fire as a great fire--and yet there is a visible difference between them4 ,before a small piece of iron is made red-hot in a little fire1 some time must pass2 but if the fire be great1 the iron very quickly1 though bulky1 loses its nature altogether in appearance4 #i4 ,so1 it seems to me1 is it with these two kinds of graces which our ,lord bestows4 ,he who has had raptures will1 ,i am sure1 understand it well2 to him who has not had that experience1 it must appear folly4 ,and1 indeed1 it may well be so2 for if a person like myself should speak of a matter of this kind1 and give any explanation at all of that for the description of which no words ever can possibly be found1 it is not to be wondered at that ,i may be speaking foolishly4 #aj4 ,but ,i have this confidence in our ,lord1 that ,he will help me here2 for ,his ,majesty knoweth that my object in writing--the first is to obey--is to inspire souls with a longing after so high a good4 ,i will speak of nothing that ,i do not know by great experience3 and so1 when ,i began to describe the last kind of water1 ,i thought it more impossible for me to speak of it at all than to speak ,greek4 ,it is a very difficult matter2 so ,i left it1 and went to ,communion4 ,blessed be our ,lord1 who is merciful to the ignorant6 ,oh1 virtue of obedience6 it can do everything6 ,god enlightened my understanding--at one time suggesting the words1 at another showing me how to use them2 for1 as in the preceding state of prayer1 so also now1 ,his ,majesty seems to utter what ,i can neither speak nor understand4 #f #aa4 ,what ,i am saying is the simple truth2 and therefore whatever is good herein is ,his teaching2 what is erroneous1 clearly comes out of that sea of evil--myself4 ,if there be any--and there must be many--who1 having attained to these states of prayer whereunto our ,lord in ,his mercy has brought me--wretch that ,i am6--and who1 thinking they have missed their way1 desire to treat of these matters with me1 ,i am sure that our ,lord will help ,his servant to declare the truth more plainly4 #ab4 ,i am now speaking of the water which cometh down from heaven to fill and saturate in its abundance the whole of this garden with water4 ,if our ,lord never ceased to pour it down whenever it was necessary1 the gardener certainly would have plenty of rest2 and if there were no winter1 but an ever temperate season1 fruits and flowers would never fail4 ,the gardener would have his delight therein2 but in this life that is impossible4 ,we must always be careful1 when one water fails1 to obtain another4 ,this water from heaven comes down very often when the gardener least expects it4 #ac4 ,the truth is that1 in the beginning1 this almost always happens after much mental prayer4 ,our ,lord advances step by step to lay hold of the little bird1 and to lay it in the nest where it may repose4 ,he observed it fluttering for a long time1 striving with the understanding and the will1 and with all its might1 to seek ,god and to please ,him2 so now it is ,his pleasure to reward it even in this life4 ,and what a reward6--one moment is enough to repay all the possible trials of this life4 #ad4 ,the soul1 while thus seeking after ,god1 is conscious1 with a joy excessive and sweet1 that it is1 as it were1 utterly fainting away in a kind of trance3 breathing1 and all the bodily strength1 fail it1 so that it cannot even move the hands without great pain2 the eyes close involuntarily1 and if they are open1 they are as if they saw nothing2 nor is reading possible1--the very letters seem strange1 and cannot be distinguished1--the letters1 indeed1 are visible1 but1 as the understanding furnishes no help1 all reading is impracticable1 though seriously attempted4 ,the ear hears2 but what is heard is not comprehended4 ,the senses are of no use whatever1 except to hinder the soul's fruition2 and so they rather hurt it4 ,it is useless to try to speak1 because it is not possible to conceive a word2 nor1 if it were conceived1 is there strength sufficient to utter it2 for all bodily strength vanishes1 and that of the soul increases1 to enable it the better to have the fruition of its joy4 ,great and most perceptible1 also1 is the outward joy now felt4 #ae4 ,this prayer1 however long it may last1 does no harm--at least1 it has never done any to me2 nor do ,i remember1 however ill ,i might have been when our ,lord had mercy upon me in this way1 that ,i ever felt the worse for it--on the contrary1 ,i was always better afterwards4 ,but so great a blessing1 what harm can it do8 ,the outward effects are so plain as to leave no doubt possible that there must have been some great cause1 seeing that it thus robs us of our bodily powers with so much joy1 in order to leave them greater4 #af4 ,the truth is1 it passes away so quickly in the beginning--at least1 so it was with me--that neither by the outward signs1 nor by the failure of the senses1 can it be perceived when it passes so quickly away4 ,but it is plain1 from the overflowing abundance of grace1 that the brightness of the sun which had shone there must have been great1 seeing that it has thus made the soul to melt away4 ,and this is to be considered2 for1 as it seems to me1 the period of time1 however long it may have been1 during which the faculties of the soul were entranced1 is very short2 if half an hour1 that would be a long time4 ,i do not think that ,i have ever been so long4 #g ,the truth of the matter is this3 it is extremely difficult to know how long1 because the senses are in suspense2 but ,i think that at any time it cannot be very long before some one of the faculties recovers itself4 ,it is the will that persists in the work2 the other two faculties quickly begin to molest it4 ,as the will is calm1 it entrances them again2 they are quiet for another moment1 and then they recover themselves once more4 #ag4 ,in this way1 some hours may be1 and are1 passed in prayer2 for when the two faculties begin to drink deep1 and to perceive the taste of this divine wine1 they give themselves up with great readiness1 in order to be the more absorbed3 they follow the will1 and the three rejoice together4 ,but this state of complete absorption1 together with the utter rest of the imagination1--for ,i believe that even the imagination is then wholly at rest1--lasts only for a short time2 though the faculties do not so completely recover themselves as not to be for some hours afterwards as if in disorder3 ,god1 from time to time1 drawing them to ,himself4 #ah4 ,let us now come to that which the soul feels interiorly4 ,let him describe it who knows it2 for as it is impossible to understand it1 much more is it so to describe it4 ,when ,i purposed to write this1 ,i had just communicated1 and had risen from the very prayer of which ,i am speaking4 ,i am thinking of what the soul was then doing4 ,our ,lord said to me3 ,it undoes itself utterly1 ,my daughter1 in order that it may give itself more and more to ,me3 it is not itself that then lives1 it is ,i4 ,as it cannot comprehend what it understands1 it understands by not understanding4 #h #ai4 ,he who has had experience of this will understand it in some measure1 for it cannot be more clearly described1 because what then takes place is so obscure4 ,all ,i am able to say is1 that the soul is represented as being close to ,god2 and that there abides a conviction thereof so certain and strong1 that it cannot possibly help believing so4 ,all the faculties fail now1 and are suspended in such a way that1 as ,i said before1 #i their operations cannot be traced4 ,if the soul is making a meditation on any subject1 the memory of it is lost at once1 just as if it had never been thought of4 ,if it reads1 what is read is not remembered nor dwelt upon2 neither is it otherwise with vocal prayer4 ,accordingly1 the restless little butterfly of the memory has its wings burnt now1 and it cannot fly4 ,the will must be fully occupied in loving1 but it understands not how it loves2 the understanding1 if it understands1 does not understand how it understands--at least1 it can comprehend nothing of that it understands3 it does not understand1 as it seems to me1 because1 as ,i said just now1 this cannot be understood4 ,i do not understand it at all myself4 #bj4 ,in the beginning1 it happened to me that ,i was ignorant of one thing--,i did not know that ,god was in all things3 #aj and when ,he seemed to me to be so near1 ,i thought it impossible4 ,not to believe that ,he was present1 was not in my power2 for it seemed to me1 as it were1 evident that ,i felt there ,his very presence4 ,some unlearned men used to say to me1 that ,he was present only by ,his grace4 ,i could not believe that1 because1 as ,i am saying1 ,he seemed to me to be present ,himself3 so ,i was distressed4 ,a most learned man1 of the ,order of the glorious ,patriarch ,st4 ,dominic1 delivered me from this doubt2 for he told me that ,he was present1 and how ,he communed with us3 this was a great comfort to me4 #ba4 ,it is to be observed and understood that this water from heaven1--this greatest grace of our ,lord--always leaves in the soul the greatest fruits1 as ,i shall now show4 #a4 ,see ch4 xi4 #aa4 #b4 ,ch4 xvi4 #g1 #h4 #c4 ,ch4 xvii4 #e4 #d4 #c4 #e4 ,see ch4 xx4 #aj2 and ,relation1 viii4 #aj4 #f4 ,see ch4 xiv4 #ab4 #g4 ,see ,anton4 a ,sp4 ,sancto1 ,director4 ,mystic4 tr4 iv4 #i1 n4 #gb4 #h4 ,thomas ,jesu1 ,de ,contemplatione ,divina1 lib4 v4 c4 xiii43 ,quasi dicat3 cum intellectus non possit ,dei immensam illam claritatem et incomprehensibilem plenitudinem comprehendere1 hoc ipsum est illam conspicere ac intelligere1 intelligere se non posse intellectu cognoscere3 quod quidem nihil aliud est quam ,deum sub ratione incomprehensibilitatis videre ac cognoscere4 ,philip4 ,,ss4 ,trinitate1 ,theolog4 ,mystic4 ,disc4 ,proem4 art4 iv4 p4 #f3 ,cum ipsa ,s4 ,teresa scire vellet1 quid in illa mystica unione operaretur intellectus1 respondit ,christus illi1 cum non possit comprehendere quod intelligit1 est non intelligere intelligendo3 tum quia pr claritate nimia quodammodo offuscatur intellectus1 unde pr altissima et supereminentissima ,dei cognitione videtur anima potius ,deum ignorare quam cognoscere4 #i4 ,ch4 x4 #a1 and ch4 xviii4 #af4 #aj4 ,see ,inner ,fortress1 v4 ch4 i4 #aa4 ,chapter ,,xix4 ,the ,effects of ,this ,fourth ,state of ,prayer4 ,earnest ,exhortations to ,those ,who ,have ,attained to ,it ,not to ,go ,back1 ,nor to ,cease from ,prayer1 ,even if ,they ,fall4 ,the ,great ,calamity of ,going ,back4 #a4 ,there remains in the soul1 when the prayer of union is over1 an exceedingly great tenderness2 so much so1 that it would undo itself--not from pain1 but through tears of joy it finds itself bathed therein1 without being aware of it1 and it knows not how or when it wept them4 ,but to behold the violence of the fire subdued by the water1 which yet makes it burn the more1 gives it great delight4 ,it seems as if ,i were speaking an unknown language4 ,so it is1 however4 #b4 ,it has happened to me occasionally1 when this prayer was over1 to be so beside myself as not to know whether ,i had been dreaming1 or whether the bliss ,i felt had really been mine2 and1 on finding myself in a flood of tears--which had painlessly flowed1 with such violence and rapidity that it seemed as if a cloud from heaven #a had shed them--to perceive that it was no dream4 ,thus it was with me in the beginning1 when it passed quickly away4 ,the soul remains possessed of so much courage1 that if it were now hewn in pieces for ,god1 it would be a great consolation to it4 ,this is the time of resolutions1 of heroic determinations1 of the living energy of good desires1 of the beginning of hatred of the world1 and of the most clear perception of its vanity4 ,the soul makes greater and higher progress than it ever made before in the previous states of prayer2 and grows in humility more and more1 because it sees clearly that neither for obtaining nor for retaining this grace1 great beyond all measure1 has it ever done1 or ever been able to do1 anything of itself4 ,it looks upon itself as most unworthy--for in a room into which the sunlight enters strongly1 not a cobweb can be hid2 it sees its own misery2 self-conceit is so far away1 that it seems as if it never could have had any--for now its own eyes behold how very little it could ever do1 or rather1 that it never did anything1 that it hardly gave even its own consent1 but that it rather seemed as if the doors of the senses were closed against its will in order that it might have more abundantly the fruition of our ,lord4 ,it is abiding alone with ,him3 what has it to do but to love ,him8 ,it neither sees nor hears1 unless on compulsion3 no thanks to it4 ,its past life stands before it then1 together with the great mercy of ,god1 in great distinctness2 and it is not necessary for it to go forth to hunt with the understanding1 because what it has to eat and ruminate upon1 it sees now ready prepared4 ,it sees1 so far as itself is concerned1 that it has deserved hell1 and that its punishment is bliss4 ,it undoes itself in the praises of ,god1 and ,i would gladly undo myself now4 #c4 ,blessed be ,thou1 ,o my ,lord1 who1 out of a pool so filthy as ,i am1 bringest forth water so clean as to be meet for ,thy table6 ,praised be ,thou1 ,o ,joy of the ,angels1 who hast been thus pleased to exalt so vile a worm6 #d4 ,the good effects of this prayer abide in the soul for some time4 ,now that it clearly apprehends that the fruit is not its own1 the soul can begin to share it with others1 and that without any loss to itself4 ,it begins to show signs of its being a soul that is guarding the treasures of heaven1 and to be desirous of communicating them to others1 #b and to pray to ,god that itself may not be the only soul that is rich in them4 ,it begins to benefit its neighbours1 as it were1 without being aware of it1 or doing anything consciously3 its neighbours understand the matter1 because the odour of the flowers has grown so strong as to make them eager to approach them4 ,they understand that this soul is full of virtue3 they see the fruit1 how delicious it is1 and they wish to help that soul to eat it4 #e4 ,if this ground be well dug by troubles1 by persecutions1 detractions1 and infirmities1--they are few who ascend so high without this1--if it be well broken up by great detachment from all self-interest1 it will drink in so much water that it can hardly ever be parched again4 ,but if it be ground which is mere waste1 and covered with thorns 7as ,i was when ,i began72 if the occasions of sin be not avoided2 if it be an ungrateful soil1 unfitted for so great a grace1--it will be parched up again4 ,if the gardener become careless1--and if our ,lord1 out of ,his mere goodness1 will not send down rain upon it1--the garden is ruined4 ,thus has it been with me more than once1 so that ,i am amazed at it2 and if ,i had not found it so by experience1 ,i could not have believed it4 #f4 ,i write this for the comfort of souls which are weak1 as ,i am1 that they may never despair1 nor cease to trust in the power of ,god2 even if they should fall after our ,lord has raised them to so high a degree of prayer as this is1 they must not be discouraged1 unless they would lose themselves utterly4 ,tears gain everything1 and one drop of water attracts another4 #g4 ,one of the reasons that move me1 who am what ,i am1 under obedience to write this1 and give an account of my wretched life1 and of the graces our ,lord has wrought in me1--though ,i never served ,him1 but offended ,him rather1--is what ,i have just given3 and1 certainly1 ,i wish ,i was a person of great authority1 that people might believe what ,i say4 ,i pray to our ,lord that ,his ,majesty would be pleased to grant me this grace4 ,i repeat it1 let no one who has begun to give himself to prayer be discouraged1 and say3 ,if ,i fall into sin1 it will be worse for me if ,i go on now with the practice of prayer4 ,i think so too1 if he gives up prayer1 and does not correct his evil ways2 but if he does not give up prayer1 let him be assured of this--prayer will bring him to the haven of light4 #h4 ,in this the devil turned his batteries against me1 and ,i suffered so much because ,i thought it showed but little humility if ,i persevered in prayer when ,i was so wicked1 that--as ,i have already said #c--;,i gave it up for a year and a half--at least1 for a year1 but ,i do not remember distinctly the other six months4 ,this could not have been1 neither was it1 anything else but to throw myself down into hell2 there was no need of any devils to drag me thither4 ,o my ,god1 was there ever blindness so great as this8 ,how well ,satan prepares his measures for his purpose1 when he pursues us in this way6 ,the traitor knows that he has already lost that soul which perseveres in prayer1 and that every fall which he can bring about helps it1 by the goodness of ,god1 to make greater progress in ,his service4 ,satan has some interest in this4 #i4 ,o my ,jesus1 what a sight that must be--a soul so highly exalted falling into sin1 and raised up again by ,thee2 who1 in ,thy mercy1 stretchest forth ,thine hand to save6 ,how such a soul confesses ,thy greatness and compassion and its own wretchedness6 ,it really looks on itself as nothingness1 and confesses ,thy power4 ,it dares not lift up its eyes2 it raises them1 indeed1 but it is to acknowledge how much it oweth unto ,thee4 ,it becomes devout to the ,queen of ,heaven1 that she may propitiate ,thee2 it invokes the ,saints1 who fell after ,thou hadst called them1 for succour4 ,thou seemest now to be too bountiful in ,thy gifts1 because it feels itself to be unworthy of the earth it treads on4 ,it has recourse to the ,sacraments1 to a quickened faith1 which abides in it at the contemplation of the power which ,thou hast lodged in them4 ,it praises ,thee because ,thou hast left us such medicines and ointment for our wounds1 which not only heal them on the surface1 but remove all traces whatever of them4 #aj4 ,the soul is amazed at it4 ,who is there1 ,o ,lord of my soul1 that is not amazed at compassion so great and mercy so surpassing1 after treason so foul and so hateful8 ,i know not how it is that my heart does not break when ,i write this1 for ,i am wicked4 ,with these scanty tears which ,i am now weeping1 but yet ,thy gift1--water out of a well1 so far as it is mine1 so impure1--,i seem to make ,thee some recompense for treachery so great as mine1 in that ,i was always doing evil1 labouring to make void the graces ,thou hast given me4 ,do ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 make my tears available2 purify the water which is so muddy2 at least1 let me not be to others a temptation to rash judgments1 as ,i have been to myself1 when ,i used to think such thoughts as these4 ,why1 ,o ,lord1 dost ,thou pass by most holy persons1 who have always served ,thee1 and who have been tried2 who have been brought up in religion1 and are really religious--not such as ,i am1 having only the name--so as to make it plain that they are not recipients of those graces which ,thou hast bestowed upon me8 #aa4 ,i see clearly now1 ,o ,thou my ,good1 ,thou hast kept the reward to give it them all at once3 my weakness has need of these succours4 ,they1 being strong1 serve ,thee without them1 and ,thou dealest with them as with a strong race1 free from all self-interest4 ,but yet ,thou knowest1 ,o my ,lord1 that ,i have often cried unto ,thee1 making excuses for those who murmured against me2 for ,i thought they had reason on their side4 ,this ,i did then when ,thou of ,thy goodness hadst kept me back from offending ,thee so much1 and when ,i was departing from everything which ,i thought displeasing unto ,thee4 ,it was when ,i did this that ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 didst begin to lay open ,thy treasures for ,thy servant4 ,it seemed as if ,thou wert looking for nothing else but that ,i should be willing and ready to receive them2 accordingly1 ,thou didst begin at once1 not only to give them1 but also to make others know that ,thou wert giving them4 #ab4 ,when this was known1 there began to prevail a good opinion of her1 of whom all had not yet clearly understood how wicked she was1 though much of that wickedness was plain enough4 ,calumny and persecution began at once1 and1 as ,i think1 with good reason2 so ,i looked on none of them as an enemy1 but made my supplications to ,thee1 imploring ,thee to consider the grounds they had4 ,they said that ,i wished to be a saint1 and that ,i invented novelties2 but ,i had not then attained in many things even to the observance of my rule2 nor had ,i come near those excellent and holy nuns who were in the house1--and ,i do not believe ,i ever shall1 if ,god of ,his goodness will not do that for me ,himself2 on the contrary1 ,i was there only to do away with what was good1 and introduce customs which were not good2 at least1 ,i did what ,i could to bring them in1 and ,i was very powerful for evil4 ,thus it was that they were blameless1 when they blamed me4 ,i do not mean the nuns only1 but the others as well3 they told me truths2 for it was ,thy will4 #ac4 ,i was once saying the ,office1--,i had had this temptation for some time1--and when ,i came to these words1 ,justus es1 ,domine1 et rectum judicium tuum1 #d ,i began to think what a deep truth it was4 ,satan never was strong enough to tempt me in any way to doubt of ,thy goodness1 or of any article of the faith3 on the contrary1 it seems to me that the more these truths were above nature1 the more firmly ,i held them1 and my devotion grew2 when ,i thought of ,thy omnipotence1 ,i accepted all ,thy wonderful works1 and ,i say it again1 ,i never had a doubt4 ,then1 as ,i was thinking how it could be just in ,thee to allow so many1 who1 as ,i said1 are ,thy most faithful servants1 to remain without those consolations and graces which ,thou hast given to me1 who am what ,i am1 ,thou1 ,o my ,lord1 didst answer me3 ,serve thou ,me1 and meddle not with this4 #ad4 ,this was the first word which ,i ever heard ,thee speak to me1 and it made me greatly afraid4 ,but as ,i shall speak hereafter #e of this way of hearing1 and of other matters1 ,i say nothing here2 for to do so would be to digress from my subject1 and ,i have already made digressions enough4 ,i scarcely know what ,i have said1 nor can it be otherwise2 but you1 my father1 must bear with these interruptions2 for when ,i consider what ,god must have borne with from me1 and when ,i see the state ,i am in1 it is not strange that ,i should wander in what ,i am saying1 and what ,i have still to say4 #ae4 ,may it please our ,lord that my wanderings may be of this kind1 and may ,his ,majesty never suffer me to have strength to resist ,him even in the least2 yea1 rather than that1 may ,he destroy me this moment4 ,it is evidence enough of ,his great compassions1 that ,he has forgiven so much ingratitude1 not once1 but often4 ,he forgave ,st4 ,peter once2 but ,i have been forgiven many times4 ,satan had good reasons for tempting me3 ,i ought never to have pretended to a strict friendship with ,one1 my hatred of whom ,i made so public4 ,was there ever blindness so great as mine8 ,where could ,i think ,i should find help but in ,thee8 ,what folly to run away from the light1 to be for ever stumbling6 ,what a proud humility was that which ,satan devised for me1 when ,i ceased to lean upon the pillar1 and threw the staff away which supported me1 in order that my fall might not be great6 #f #af4 ,i make the sign of the cross this moment4 ,i do not think ,i ever escaped so great a danger as this device of ,satan1 which he would have imposed upon me in the disguise of humility4 #g ,he filled me with such thoughts as these3 ,how could ,i make my prayer1 who was so wicked1 and yet had received so many mercies8 ,it was enough for me to recite the ,office1 as all others did2 but as ,i did not that much well1 how could ,i desire to do more8 ,i was not reverential enough1 and made too little of the mercies of ,god4 ,there was no harm in these thoughts and feelings in themselves2 but to act upon them1 that was an exceedingly great wickedness4 ,blessed be ,thou1 ,o ,lord2 for ,thou camest to my help4 ,this seems to me to be in principle the temptation of ,judas1 only that ,satan did not dare to tempt me so openly4 ,but he might have led me by little and little1 as he led ,judas1 to the same pit of destruction4 #ag4 ,let all those who give themselves to prayer1 for the love of ,god1 look well to this4 ,they should know that when ,i was neglecting it1 my life was much worse than it had ever been2 let them reflect on the excellent help and the pleasant humility which ,satan provided for me3 it was a grave interior disquietude4 ,but how could my spirit be quiet8 ,it was going away in its misery from its true rest4 ,i remembered the graces and mercies ,i had received1 and felt that the joys of this world were loathsome4 ,i am astonished that ,i was able to bear it4 ,it must have been the hope ,i had2 for1 as well as ,i can remember now1 it is more than twenty-one years ago4 ,i do not think ,i ever gave up my purpose of resuming my prayer2 but ,i was waiting to be very free from sin first4 #ah4 ,oh1 how deluded ,i was in this expectation6 ,the devil would have held it out before me till the day of judgment1 that he might then take me with him to hell4 ,then1 when ,i applied myself to prayer and to spiritual reading1--whereby ,i might perceive these truths1 and the evil nature of the way ,i was walking in1 and was often importunate with our ,lord in tears1--,i was so wicked1 that it availed me nothing2 when ,i gave that up1 and wasted my time in amusing myself1 in great danger of falling into sin1 and with scanty helps1--and ,i may venture to say no help at all1 unless it was a help to my ruin1--what could ,i expect but that of which ,i have spoken8 #ai4 ,i believe that a certain ,dominican friar1 a most learned man1 has greatly merited in the eyes of ,god2 for it was he who roused me from this slumber4 ,he made me--,i think ,i said so before #h--;go to ,communion once a fortnight1 and be less given to evil2 ,i began to be converted1 though ,i did not cease to offend our ,lord all at once3 however1 as ,i had not lost my way1 ,i walked on in it1 though slowly1 falling and rising again2 and he who does not cease to walk and press onwards1 arrives at last1 even if late4 ,to lose one's way is--so it seems to me--nothing else but the giving up of prayer4 ,god1 of ,his mercy1 keeps us from this6 #bj4 ,it is clear from this1--and1 for the love of ,god1 consider it well1--that a soul1 though it may receive great graces from ,god in prayer1 must never rely on itself1 because it may fall1 nor expose itself in any way whatever to any risks of sin4 ,this should be well considered because much depends on it2 for the delusion here1 wherein ,satan is able to entangle us afterwards1 though the grace be really from ,god1 lies in the traitor's making use of that very grace1 so far as he can1 for his own purpose1 and particularly against persons not grown strong in virtues1 who are neither mortified nor detached2 for these are not at present strong enough--as ,i shall explain hereafter #i--to expose themselves to dangerous occasions1 notwithstanding the noble desires and resolutions they may have4 #ba4 ,this doctrine is excellent1 and not mine1 but the teaching of ,god1 and accordingly ,i wish ignorant people like myself knew it2 for even if a soul were in this state1 it must not rely so much upon itself as to go forth to the battle1 because it will have enough to do in defending itself4 ,defensive armour is the present necessity2 the soul is not yet strong enough to assail ,satan1 and to trample him under foot1 as those are who are in the state of which ,i shall speak further on4 #aj #bb4 ,this is the delusion by which ,satan prevails3 when a soul sees itself so near unto ,god1 when it sees the difference there is between the things of heaven and those of earth1 and when it sees the love which our ,lord bears it1 there grows out of that love a certain trust and confidence that there is to be no falling away from that the fruition of which it then possesses4 ,it seems to see the reward distinctly1 as if it were impossible for it to abandon that which1 even in this life1 is so delicious and sweet1 for anything so mean and impure as worldly joy4 ,through this confidence1 ,satan robs it of that distrust which it ought to have in itself2 and so1 as ,i have just said1 #aa the soul exposes itself to dangers1 and begins1 in the fulness of its zeal1 to give away without discretion the fruit of its garden1 thinking that now it has no reason to be afraid for itself4 ,yet this does not come out of pride2 for the soul clearly understands that of itself it can do no good thing2 but rather out of an excessive confidence in ,god1 without discretion3 because the soul does not see itself to be unfledged4 ,it can go forth out of its nest1 and ,god ,himself may take it out1 but still it cannot fly1 because the virtues are not strong1 and itself has no experience wherewith to discern the dangers2 nor is it aware of the evil which trusting to itself may do it4 #bc4 ,this it was that ruined me4 ,now1 to understand this1 and everything else in the spiritual life1 we have great need of a director1 and of conference with spiritual persons4 ,i fully believe1 with respect to that soul which ,god raises to this state1 that ,he will not cease to be gracious to it1 nor suffer it to be lost1 if it does not utterly forsake ,his ,majesty4 ,but when that soul--as ,i said--falls1 let it look to it again and again1 for the love of our ,lord1 that ,satan deceive it not by tempting it to give up prayer1 as he tempted me1 through that false humility of which ,i have spoken before1 #ab and would gladly speak of again and again4 ,let it rely on the goodness of ,god1 which is greater than all the evil we can do4 ,when we1 acknowledging our own vileness1 desire to return into ,his grace1 ,he remembers our ingratitude no more1--no1 not even the graces ,he has given us1 for the purpose of chastising us1 because of our misuse of them2 yea1 rather1 they help to procure our pardon the sooner1 as of persons who have been members of ,his household1 and who1 as they say1 have eaten of ,his bread4 #bd4 ,let them remember ,his words1 and behold what ,he hath done unto me1 who grew weary of sinning before ,he grew weary of forgiving4 ,he is never weary of giving1 nor can ,his compassion be exhausted4 ,let us not grow weary ourselves of receiving4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever1 ,amen2 and may all created things praise ,him6 #a4 ,see ch4 xx4 #b4 #b4 ,see ch4 xvii4 #c4 #c4 ,ch4 vii4 #ag1 and ch4 viii4 #e4 #d4 ,psalm cxviii4 #acg3 ,thou art just1 ,o ,lord1 and ,thy judgment is right4 #e4 ,see ch4 xxv4 #f4 ,see ch4 viii4 #a4 #g4 ,ch4 vii4 #ag4 #h4 ,ch4 vii4 #bg4 #i4 ,ch4 xxxi4 #ba4 #aj4 ,ch4 xx4 #cc1 and ch4 xxv4 #bd4 #aa4 ,ch4 xix4 #d4 #ab4 ,see #af4 ,chapter ,,xx4 ,the ,difference ,between ,union and ,rapture4 ,what ,rapture ,is4 ,the ,blessing ,it ,is to the ,soul4 ,the ,effects of ,it4 #a4 ,i wish ,i could explain1 with the help of ,god1 wherein union differs from rapture1 or from transport1 or from flight of the spirit1 as they speak1 or from a trance1 which are all one4 #a ,i mean1 that all these are only different names for that one and the same thing1 which is also called ecstasy4 #b ,it is more excellent than union1 the fruits of it are much greater1 and its other operations more manifold2 for union is uniform in the beginning1 the middle1 and the end1 and is so also interiorly4 ,but as raptures have ends of a much higher kind1 they produce effects both within and without4 #c ,as our ,lord has explained the other matters1 so also may ,he explain this2 for certainly1 if ,he had not shown me in what way and by what means this explanation was in some measure possible1 ,i should never have been able to do it4 #b4 ,consider we now that this last water1 of which ,i am speaking1 is so abundant that1 were it not that the ground refuses to receive it1 we might suppose that the cloud of ,his great ,majesty is here raining down upon us on earth4 ,and when we are giving ,him thanks for this great mercy1 drawing near to ,him in earnest1 with all our might1 then it is our ,lord draws up the soul1 as the clouds1 so to speak1 gather the mists from the face of the earth1 and carries it away out of itself1--,i have heard it said that the clouds1 or the sun1 draw the mists together1 #d--;and as a cloud1 rising up to heaven1 takes the soul with ,him1 and begins to show it the treasures of the kingdom which ,he has prepared for it4 ,i know not whether the comparison be accurate or not2 but the fact is1 that is the way in which it is brought about4 ,during rapture1 the soul does not seem to animate the body1 the natural heat of which is perceptibly lessened2 the coldness increases1 though accompanied with exceeding joy and sweetness4 #e #c4 ,a rapture is absolutely irresistible2 whilst union1 inasmuch as we are then on our own ground1 may be hindered1 though that resistance be painful and violent2 it is1 however1 almost always impossible4 ,but rapture1 for the most part1 is irresistible4 ,it comes1 in general1 as a shock1 quick and sharp1 before you can collect your thoughts1 or help yourself in any way1 and you see and feel it as a cloud1 or a strong eagle rising upwards1 and carrying you away on its wings4 #d4 ,i repeat it3 you feel and see yourself carried away1 you know not whither4 ,for though we feel how delicious it is1 yet the weakness of our nature makes us afraid at first1 and we require a much more resolute and courageous spirit than in the previous states1 in order to risk everything1 come what may1 and to abandon ourselves into the hands of ,god1 and go willingly whither we are carried1 seeing that we must be carried away1 however painful it may be2 and so trying is it1 that ,i would very often resist1 and exert all my strength1 particularly at those times when the rapture was coming on me in public4 ,i did so1 too1 very often when ,i was alone1 because ,i was afraid of delusions4 ,occasionally ,i was able1 by great efforts1 to make a slight resistance2 but afterwards ,i was worn out1 like a person who had been contending with a strong giant2 at other times it was impossible to resist at all3 my soul was carried away1 and almost always my head with it1--,i had no power over it1--and now and then the whole body as well1 so that it was lifted up from the ground4 #e4 ,this has not happened to me often3 once1 however1 it took place when we were all together in choir1 and ,i1 on my knees1 on the point of communicating4 ,it was a very sore distress to me2 for ,i thought it a most extraordinary thing1 and was afraid it would occasion much talk2 so ,i commanded the nuns--for it happened after ,i was made ,prioress--never to speak of it4 ,but at other times1 the moment ,i felt that our ,lord was about to repeat the act1 and once1 in particular1 during a sermon1--it was the feast of our house1 some great ladies being present1--,i threw myself on the ground2 then the nuns came around me to hold me2 but still the rapture was observed4 #f4 ,i made many supplications to our ,lord1 that ,he would be pleased to give me no more of those graces which were outwardly visible2 for ,i was weary of living under such great restraint1 and because ,his ,majesty could not bestow such graces on me without their becoming known4 ,it seems that1 of ,his goodness1 ,he has been pleased to hear my prayer2 for ,i have never been enraptured since4 ,it is true that it was not long ago4 #f #g4 ,it seemed to me1 when ,i tried to make some resistance1 as if a great force beneath my feet lifted me up4 ,i know of nothing with which to compare it2 but it was much more violent than the other spiritual visitations1 and ,i was therefore as one ground to pieces2 for it is a great struggle1 and1 in short1 of little use1 whenever our ,lord so wills it4 ,there is no power against ,his power4 #h4 ,at other times ,he is pleased to be satisfied when ,he makes us see that ,he is ready to give us this grace1 and that it is not ,he that withholds it4 ,then1 when we resist it out of humility1 ,he produces those very effects which would have resulted if we had fully consented to it4 #i4 ,the effects of rapture are great3 one is that the mighty power of our ,lord is manifested2 and as we are not strong enough1 when ,his ,majesty wills it1 to control either soul or body1 so neither have we any power over it2 but1 whether we like it or not1 we see that there is one mightier than we are1 that these graces are ,his gifts1 and that of ourselves we can do nothing whatever2 and humility is deeply imprinted in us4 ,and further1 ,i confess that it threw me into great fear1 very great indeed at first2 for when ,i saw my body thus lifted up from the earth1 how could ,i help it8 ,though the spirit draws it upwards after itself1 and that with great sweetness1 if unresisted1 the senses are not lost2 at least1 ,i was so much myself as to be able to see that ,i was being lifted up4 ,the majesty of ,him who can effect this so manifests itself1 that the hairs of my head stand upright1 #g and a great fear comes upon me of offending ,god1 who is so mighty4 ,this fear is bound up in exceedingly great love1 which is acquired anew1 and directed to ,him1 who1 we see1 bears so great a love to a worm so vile1 and who seems not to be satisfied with attracting the soul to ,himself in so real a way1 but who will have the body also1 though it be mortal and of earth so foul1 such as it is through our sins1 which are so great4 #aj4 ,rapture leaves behind a certain strange detachment also1 which ,i shall never be able to describe2 ,i think ,i can say that it is in some respects different from--yea1 higher than--the other graces1 which are simply spiritual2 for though these effect a complete detachment in spirit from all things1 it seems that in this of rapture our ,lord would have the body itself to be detached also3 and thus a certain singular estrangement from the things of earth is wrought1 which makes life much more distressing4 ,afterwards it causes a pain1 which we can never inflict of ourselves1 nor remove when once it has come4 #aa4 ,i should like very much to explain this great pain1 and ,i believe ,i shall not be able2 however1 ,i will say something if ,i can4 ,and it is to be observed that this is my present state1 and one to which ,i have been brought very lately1 after all the visions and revelations of which ,i shall speak1 and after that time1 wherein ,i gave myself to prayer1 in which our ,lord gave me so much sweetness and delight4 #h ,even now ,i have that sweetness occasionally2 but it is the pain of which ,i speak that is the most frequent and the most common4 ,it varies in its intensity4 ,i will now speak of it when it is sharpest2 for ,i shall speak later on #i of the great shocks ,i used to feel when our ,lord would throw me into those trances1 and which are1 in my opinion1 as different from this pain as the most corporeal thing is from the most spiritual2 and ,i believe that ,i am not exaggerating much4 ,for though the soul feels that pain1 it is in company with the body2 #aj both soul and body apparently share it1 and it is not attended with that extremity of abandonment which belongs to this4 #ab4 ,as ,i said before1 #aa we have no part in causing this pain2 but very often there springs up a desire unexpectedly1--,i know not how it comes1--and because of this desire1 which pierces the soul in a moment1 the soul begins to be wearied1 so much so that it rises upwards above itself1 and above all created things4 ,god then so strips it of everything1 that1 do what it may1 there is nothing on earth that can be its companion4 ,neither1 indeed1 would it wish to have any2 it would rather die in that loneliness4 ,if people spoke to it1 and if itself made every effort possible to speak1 it would be of little use3 the spirit1 notwithstanding all it may do1 cannot be withdrawn from that loneliness2 and though ,god seems1 as it were1 far away from the soul at that moment1 yet ,he reveals ,his grandeurs at times in the strangest way conceivable4 ,that way is indescribable2 ,i do not think any one can believe or comprehend it who has not previously had experience of it4 ,it is a communication made1 not to console1 but to show the reason why the soul must be weary2 because it is far away from the ,good which in itself comprehends all good4 #ac4 ,in this communication the desire grows1 so also does the bitterness of that loneliness wherein the soul beholds itself1 suffering a pain so sharp and piercing that1 in that very loneliness in which it dwells1 it may literally say of itself1--and perhaps the royal prophet said so1 being in that very loneliness himself1 except that our ,lord may have granted to him1 being a saint1 to feel it more deeply1--,vigilavi1 et factus sum sicut passer solitarius in tecto4 #ab ,these words presented themselves to me in such a way that ,i thought ,i saw them fulfilled in myself4 ,it was a comfort to know that others had felt this extreme loneliness2 how much greater my comfort1 when these persons were such as ,david was6 ,the soul is then--so ,i think--not in itself1 but on the house-top1 or on the roof1 above itself1 and above all created things2 for it seems to me to have its dwelling higher than even in the highest part of itself4 #ad4 ,on other occasions1 the soul seems to be1 as it were1 in the utmost extremity of need1 asking itself1 and saying1 ,where is ,thy ,god8 #ac ,and it is to be remembered1 that ,i did not know how to express in ,spanish the meaning of those words4 ,afterwards1 when ,i understood what it was1 ,i used to console myself with the thought1 that our ,lord1 without any effort of mine1 had made me remember them4 ,at other times1 ,i used to recollect a saying of ,st4 ,paul's1 to the effect that he was crucified to the world4 #ad ,i do not mean that this is true of me3 ,i know it is not2 but ,i think it is the state of the enraptured soul4 ,no consolation reaches it from heaven1 and it is not there itself2 it wishes for none from earth1 and it is not there either2 but it is1 as it were1 crucified between heaven and earth1 enduring its passion3 receiving no succour from either4 #ae4 ,now1 the succour it receives from heaven--which1 as ,i have said1 #ae is a most marvellous knowledge of ,god1 above all that we can desire--brings with it greater pain2 for the desire then so grows1 that1 in my opinion1 its intense painfulness now and then robs the soul of all sensation2 only1 it lasts but for a short time after the senses are suspended4 ,it seems as if it were the point of death2 only1 the agony carries with it so great a joy1 that ,i know of nothing wherewith to compare it4 ,it is a sharp martyrdom1 full of sweetness2 for if any earthly thing be then offered to the soul1 even though it may be that which it habitually found most sweet1 the soul will have none of it2 yea1 it seems to throw it away at once4 ,the soul sees distinctly that it seeks nothing but ,god2 yet its love dwells not on any attribute of ,him in particular2 it seeks ,him as ,he is1 and knows not what it seeks4 ,i say that it knows not1 because the imagination forms no representation whatever2 and1 indeed1 as ,i think1 during much of that time the faculties are at rest4 ,pain suspends them then1 as joy suspends them in union and in a trance4 #af4 ,o ,jesus6 oh1 that some one would clearly explain this to you1 my father1 were it only that you may tell me what it means1 because this is the habitual state of my soul6 ,generally1 when ,i am not particularly occupied1 ,i fall into these agonies of death1 and ,i tremble when ,i feel them coming on1 because they are not unto death4 ,but when ,i am in them1 ,i then wish to spend therein all the rest of my life1 though the pain be so very great1 that ,i can scarcely endure it4 ,sometimes my pulse ceases1 as it were1 to beat at all1--so the sisters say1 who sometimes approach me1 and who now understand the matter better1--my bones are racked1 and my hands become so rigid1 that ,i cannot always join them4 ,even on the following day ,i have a pain in my wrists1 and over my whole body1 as if my bones were out of joint4 #af ,well1 ,i think sometimes1 if it continues as at present1 that it will end1 in the good pleasure of our ,lord1 by putting an end to my life2 for the pain seems to me sharp enough to cause death2 only1 ,i do not deserve it4 #ag4 ,all my anxiety at these times is that ,i should die3 ,i do not think of purgatory1 nor of the great sins ,i have committed1 and by which ,i have deserved hell4 ,i forget everything in my eagerness to see ,god2 and this abandonment and loneliness seem preferable to any company in the world4 ,if anything can be a consolation in this state1 it is to speak to one who has passed through this trial1 seeing that1 though the soul may complain of it1 no one seems disposed to believe in it4 #ah4 ,the soul is tormented also because the pain has increased so much1 that it seeks solitude no longer1 as it did before1 nor companionship1 unless it be that of those to whom it may make its complaint4 ,it is now like a person1 who1 having a rope around his neck1 and being strangled1 tries to breathe4 ,this desire of companionship seems to me to proceed from our weakness2 for1 as pain brings with it the risk of death1--which it certainly does2 for ,i have been occasionally in danger of death1 in my great sickness and infirmities1 as ,i have said before1 #ag and ,i think ,i may say that this pain is as great as any1--so the desire not to be parted1 which possesses soul and body1 is that which raises the cry for succour in order to breathe1 and by speaking of it1 by complaining1 and distracting itself1 causes the soul to seek means of living very much against the will of the spirit1 or the higher part of the soul1 which would not wish to be delivered from this pain4 #ai4 ,i am not sure that ,i am correct in what ,i say1 nor do ,i know how to express myself1 but to the best of my knowledge it comes to pass in this way4 ,see1 my father1 what rest ,i can have in this life1 now that what ,i once had in prayer and loneliness--therein our ,lord used to comfort me--has become in general a torment of this kind2 while1 at the same time1 it is so full of sweetness1 that the soul1 discerning its inestimable worth1 prefers it to all those consolations which it formerly had4 ,it seems also to be a safer state1 because it is the way of the cross2 and involves1 in my opinion1 a joy of exceeding worth1 because the state of the body in it is only pain4 ,it is the soul that suffers and exults alone in that joy and contentment which suffering supplies4 #bj4 ,i know not how this can be1 but so it is2 it comes from the hand of our ,lord1 and1 as ,i said before1 #ah is not anything that ,i have acquired myself1 because it is exceedingly supernatural1 and ,i think ,i would not barter it for all the graces of which ,i shall speak further on3 ,i do not say for all of them together1 but for any one of them separately4 ,and it must not be forgotten that1 as ,i have just said1 these impetuosities came upon me after ,i had received those graces from our ,lord #ai which ,i am speaking of now1 and all those described in this book1 and it is in this state our ,lord keeps me at this moment4 #bj #ba4 ,in the beginning ,i was afraid--it happens to me to be almost always so when our ,lord leads me by a new way1 until ,his ,majesty reassures me as ,i proceed--and so our ,lord bade me not to fear1 but to esteem this grace more than all the others ,he had given me2 for the soul was purified by this pain--burnished1 or refined as gold in the crucible1 so that it might be the better enamelled with ,his gifts1 and the dross burnt away in this life1 which would have to be burnt away in purgatory4 #bb4 ,i understood perfectly that this pain was a great grace2 but ,i was much more certain of it now and my confessor tells me ,i did well4 ,and though ,i was afraid1 because ,i was so wicked1 ,i never could believe it was anything wrong3 on the other hand1 the exceeding greatness of the blessing made me afraid1 when ,i called to mind how little ,i had deserved it4 ,blessed be our ,lord1 who is so good6 ,amen4 #bc4 ,i have1 it seems1 wandered from my subject2 for ,i began by speaking of raptures1 and that of which ,i have been speaking is even more than a rapture1 and the effects of it are what ,i have described4 ,now let us return to raptures1 and speak of their ordinary characteristics4 ,i have to say that1 when the rapture was over1 my body seemed frequently to be buoyant1 as if all weight had departed from it2 so much so1 that now and then ,i scarcely knew that my feet touched the ground4 ,but during the rapture itself the body is very often as if it were dead1 perfectly powerless4 ,it continues in the position it was in when the rapture came upon it--if sitting1 sitting2 if the hands were open1 or if they were shut1 they will remain open or shut4 #ba ,for though the senses fail but rarely1 it has happened to me occasionally to lose them wholly--seldom1 however1 and then only for a short time4 ,but in general they are in disorder2 and though they have no power whatever to deal with outward things1 there remains the power of hearing and seeing2 but it is as if the things heard and seen were at a great distance1 far away4 #bd4 ,i do not say that the soul sees and hears when the rapture is at the highest1--,i mean by at the highest1 when the faculties are lost1 because profoundly united with ,god1--for then it neither sees1 nor hears1 nor perceives1 as ,i believe2 but1 as ,i said of the previous prayer of union1 #bb this utter transformation of the soul in ,god continues only for an instant2 yet while it continues no faculty of the soul is aware of it1 or knows what is passing there4 ,nor can it be understood while we are living on the earth--at least1 ,god will not have us understand it1 because we must be incapable of understanding it4 ,i know it by experience4 #be4 ,you1 my father1 will ask me3 ,how comes it1 then1 that a rapture occasionally lasts so many hours8 ,what has often happened to me is this1--,i spoke of it before1 when writing of the previous state of prayer1 #bc--the rapture is not continuous1 the soul is frequently absorbed1 or1 to speak more correctly1 our ,lord absorbs it in ,himself2 and when ,he has held it thus for a moment1 the will alone remains in union with ,him4 ,the movements of the two other faculties seem to me to be like those of the needle of sun-dials1 which is never at rest2 yet when the ,sun of ,justice will have it so1 ,he can hold it still4 #bf4 ,this ,i speak of lasts but a moment2 yet1 as the impulse and the upraising of the spirit were vehement1 and though the other faculties bestir themselves again1 the will continues absorbed1 and causes this operation in the body1 as if it were the absolute mistress2 for now that the two other faculties are restless1 and attempt to disturb it1 it takes care--for if it is to have enemies1 the fewer the better--that the senses also shall not trouble it3 and thus it comes to pass that the senses are suspended2 for so our ,lord wills it4 ,and for the most part the eyes are closed1 though we may not wish to close them2 and if occasionally they remain open1 as ,i said just now1 the soul neither discerns nor considers what it sees4 #bg4 ,what the body then can do here is still less in order that1 when the faculties come together again1 there may not be so much to do4 ,let him1 therefore1 to whom our ,lord has granted this grace1 be not discouraged when he finds himself in this state--the body under constraint for many hours1 the understanding and the memory occasionally astray4 ,the truth is that1 in general1 they are inebriated with the praises of ,god1 or with searching to comprehend or understand that which has passed over them4 ,and yet even for this they are not thoroughly awake1 but are rather like one who has slept long1 and dreamed1 and is hardly yet awake4 #bh4 ,i dwell so long on this point because ,i know that there are persons now1 even in this place1 #bd to whom our ,lord is granting these graces2 and if their directors have had no experience in the matter1 they will think1 perhaps1 that they must be as dead persons during the trance--and they will think so the more if they have no learning4 ,it is piteous to see what those confessors who do not understand this make people suffer4 ,i shall speak of it by and by4 #be ,perhaps ,i do not know what ,i am saying4 ,you1 my father1 will understand it1 if ,i am at all correct2 for our ,lord has admitted you to the experience of it3 yet1 because that experience is not very great1 it may be1 perhaps1 that you have not considered the matter so much as ,i have done4 #bi4 ,so then1 though ,i do all ,i can1 my body has no strength to move for some time2 the soul took it all away4 ,very often1 too1 he who was before sickly and full of pain remains healthy1 and even stronger2 for it is something great that is given to the soul in rapture2 and sometimes1 as ,i have said already1 #bf our ,lord will have the body rejoice1 because it is obedient in that which the soul requires of it4 ,when we recover our consciousness1 the faculties may remain1 if the rapture has been deep1 for a day or two1 and even for three days1 so absorbed1 or as if stunned1--so much so1 as to be in appearance no longer themselves4 #cj4 ,here comes the pain of returning to this life2 here it is the wings of the soul grew1 to enable it to fly so high3 the weak feathers are fallen off4 ,now the standard of ,christ is raised up aloft1 which seems to be nothing else but the going up1 or the carrying up1 of the ,captain of the fort to the highest tower of it1 there to raise up the standard of ,god4 ,the soul1 as in a place of safety1 looks down on those below2 it fears no dangers now--yea1 rather1 it courts them1 as one assured beforehand of victory4 ,it sees most clearly how lightly are the things of this world to be esteemed1 and the nothingness thereof4 ,the soul now seeks not1 and possesses not1 any other will but that of doing our ,lord's will1 #bg and so it prays ,him to let it be so2 it gives to ,him the keys of its own will4 ,lo1 the gardener is now become the commander of a fortress6 ,the soul will do nothing but the will of our ,lord2 it will not act as the owner even of itself1 nor of anything1 not even of a single apple in the orchard2 only1 if there be any good thing in the garden1 it is at ,his ,majesty's disposal2 for from henceforth the soul will have nothing of its own1--all it seeks is to do everything for ,his glory1 and according to ,his will4 #ca4 ,this is really the way in which these things come to pass2 if the raptures be true raptures1 the fruits and advantages spoken of abide in the soul2 but if they did not1 ,i should have great doubts about their being from ,god--yea1 rather1 ,i should be afraid they were those frenzies of which ,st4 ,vincent speaks4 #bh ,i have seen it myself1 and ,i know it by experience1 that the soul in rapture is mistress of everything1 and acquires such freedom in one hour1 and even in less1 as to be unable to recognize itself4 ,it sees distinctly that all this does not belong to it1 neither knows it how it came to possess so great a good2 but it clearly perceives the very great blessing which every one of these raptures always brings4 ,no one will believe this who has not had experience of it1 and so they do not believe the poor soul3 they saw it lately so wicked1 and now they see it pretend to things of so high an order2 for it is not satisfied with serving our ,lord in the common way1--it must do so forthwith in the highest way it can4 ,they consider this a temptation and a folly2 yet they would not be astonished1 if they knew that it comes not from the soul1 but from our ,lord1 to whom it has given up the keys of its will4 #cb4 ,for my part1 ,i believe that a soul which has reached this state neither speaks nor acts of itself1 but rather that the supreme ,king takes care of all it has to do4 ,o my ,god1 how clear is the meaning of those words1 and what good reason the ,psalmist had1 and all the world will ever have1 to pray for the wings of a dove6 #bi ,it is plain that this is the flight of the spirit rising upwards above all created things1 and chiefly above itself3 but it is a sweet flight1 a delicious flight--a flight without noise4 #cc4 ,oh1 what power that soul possesses which our ,lord raises to this state6 how it looks down upon everything1 entangled by nothing6 how ashamed it is of the time when it was entangled6 how it is amazed at its own blindness6 how it pities those who are still in darkness1 especially if they are men of prayer1 and have received consolations from ,god6 ,it would like to cry out to them1 that they might be made to see the delusions they are in3 and1 indeed1 it does so now and then2 and then a thousand persecutions fall upon it as a shower4 ,people consider it wanting in humility1 and think it means to teach those from whom it should learn1 particularly if it be a woman4 ,hence its condemnation2 and not without reason2 because they know not how strong the influence is that moves it4 ,the soul at times cannot help itself2 nor can it refrain from undeceiving those it loves1 and whom it longs to see delivered out of the prison of this life2 for that state in which the soul itself had been before neither is1 nor seems to be1 anything else but a prison4 #cd4 ,the soul is weary of the days during which it respected points of honour1 and the delusion which led it to believe that to be honour which the world calls by that name2 now it sees it to be the greatest lie1 and that we are all walking therein4 ,it understands that true honour is not delusive1 but real1 esteeming that which is worthy of esteem1 and despising that which is despicable2 for everything is nothing1 and less than nothing1 whatever passeth away1 and is not pleasing unto ,god4 ,the soul laughs at itself when it thinks of the time in which it regarded money1 and desired to possess it1--though1 as to this1 ,i verily believe that ,i never had to confess such a fault2 it was fault enough to have regarded money at all4 ,if ,i could purchase with money the blessings which ,i possess1 ,i should make much of it2 but it is plain that these blessings are gained by abandoning all things4 #ce4 ,what is there that is procurable by this money which we desire8 ,is it anything of worth1 and anything lasting8 ,why1 then1 do we desire it8 ,a dismal resting place it provides1 which costs so dear6 ,very often it obtains for us hell itself1 fire everlasting1 and torments without end4 ,oh1 if all men would but regard it as profitless dross1 how peaceful the world would be6 how free from bargaining6 ,how friendly all men would be one with another1 if no regard were paid to honour and money6 ,i believe it would be a remedy for everything4 #cf4 ,the soul sees how blind men are to the nature of pleasure--how by means of it they provide for themselves trouble and disquietude even in this life4 ,what restlessness6 how little satisfaction6 what labour in vain6 ,it sees1 too1 not only the cobwebs that cover it1 and its great faults1 but also the specks of dirt1 however slight they may be2 for the sun shines most clearly2 and thus1 however much the soul may have laboured at its own perfection1 it sees itself to be very unclean1 if the rays of the sun fall really upon it4 ,the soul is like water in a vessel1 which appears pellucid when the sun does not shine through it2 but if it does1 the water then is found to be full of motes4 #cg4 ,this comparison is literally correct4 ,before the soul fell into the trance1 it thought itself to be careful about not offending ,god1 and that it did what it could in proportion to its strength2 but now that it has attained to this state1 in which the ,sun of ,justice shines upon it1 and makes it open its eyes1 it beholds so many motes1 that it would gladly close them again4 ,it is not so truly the child of the noble eagle1 that it can gaze upon the sun2 but1 for the few instants it can keep them open1 it beholds itself wholly unclean4 ,it remembers the words3 ,who shall be just in ,thy presence8 #cj ,when it looks on this ,divine ,sun1 the brightness thereof dazzles it1--when it looks on itself1 its eyes are blinded by the dust3 the little dove is blind4 ,so it happens very often3 the soul is utterly blinded1 absorbed1 amazed1 dizzy at the vision of so much grandeur4 #ch4 ,it is in rapture that true humility is acquired--humility that will never say any good of self1 nor suffer others to do so4 ,the ,lord of the garden1 not the soul1 distributes the fruit thereof1 and so none remains in its hands2 all the good it has1 it refers to ,god2 if it says anything about itself1 it is for ,his glory4 ,it knows that it possesses nothing here2 and even if it wished1 it cannot continue ignorant of that4 ,it sees this1 as it were1 with the naked eye2 for1 whether it will or not1 its eyes are shut against the things of this world1 and open to see the truth4 #a4 ,see ,inner ,fortress1 vi4 ch4 v42 ,philippus a ,,ss4 ,trinitate1 ,theolog4 ,mystic4 par4 iii4 tr4 i1 disp4 iii41 art4 #c2 ,hc oratio raptus superior est prcedentibus orationis gradibus1 etiam oratione unionis ordinari1 et habet effectus multo excellentiores et multas alias operationes4 #b4 ,she says that rapture is more excellent than union2 that is1 that the soul in a rapture has a greater fruition of ,god1 and that ,god takes it then more into ,his own hands4 ,that is evidently so2 because in a rapture the soul loses the use of its exterior and interior faculties4 ,when she says that union is the beginning1 middle1 and end1 she means that pure union is almost always uniform2 but that there are degrees in rapture1 of which some are1 as it were1 the beginning1 some the middle1 others the end4 ,that is the reason why it is called by different names2 some of which denote the least1 others the most1 perfect form of it1 as it will appear hereafter4--,note in the ,spanish edition of ,lopez 7,de la ,fuente74 #c4 ,anton4 a ,spirit4 ,sancto1 ,direct4 ,mystic4 tr4 #d1 d4 i4 n4 #ie3 ,licet oratio raptus idem sit apud mysticos ac oratio volatus1 seu elevationis spiritus seu extasis2 reipsa tamen raptus aliquid addit super extasim2 nam extasis importat simplicem excessum mentis in seipso secundum quem aliquis extra suam cognitionem ponitur4 ,raptus vero super hoc addit violentiam quandam ab aliquo extrinseco4 #d4 ,the words between the dashes are in the handwriting of the ,saint--not however1 in the text1 but on the margin 7,de la ,fuente74 #e4 ,see ,inner ,fortress1 vi4 ch4 v4 ,primus effectus orationis ecstatic est in corpore1 quod ita remanet1 ac si per animam non informaretur1 infrigidatur enim calore naturali deficiente1 clauduntur suaviter oculi1 et alii sensus amittuntur3 contingit tamen quod corpus infirmum in hac oratione sanitatem recuperat4 ,anton4 a ,spirit4 ,sancto1 ,direct4 ,mystic4 tr4 iv4 d4 #b1 #d1 n4 #aej4 #f4 ,this passage could not have been in the first ,life2 for that was written before she had ever been ,prioress4 #g4 ,job4 iv4 #ae3 ,inhorruerunt pili carnis me4 7,see ,st4 ,john of the ,cross4 ,spiritual ,canticle1 sts4 #ad1 #ae1 vol4 ii p4 #hc1 ,engl4 trans47 #h4 ,see ch4 xxix4 #i4 ,see ch4 xx4 #ba4 #aj4 #i1 supra4 #aa4 #aj4 #ab4 ,psalm ci4 #h3 ,i have watched1 and become as a sparrow alone on the house-top4 #ac4 ,psalm xli4 #d3 ,ubi est ,deus tuus8 #ad4 ,galat4 vi4 #ad3 ,in cruce ,jesu ,christi3 per quem mihi mundus crucifixus est1 et ego mundo4 #ae4 #i and #ab4 #af4 ,daniel x4 #af3 ,in visione tua dissolut sunt compages me4 ,see ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,spiritual ,canticle1 st4 #ad1 vol4 ii4 p4 #hd1 ,engl4 trans42 and also ,relation1 viii4 #ac1 where this is repeated4 #ag4 ,ch4 v4 #ah4 #ah4 #ab4 #ai4 ,the words from ,i have just said to our ,lord are in the margin of the text1 but in the handwriting of the ,saint 7,de la ,fuente74 #bj4 ,see #aa4 #ba4 ,see ,relation1 viii4 #h4 #bb4 ,ch4 xviii4 #af4 #bc4 ,ch4 xviii4 #ag4 #bd4 ,avila4 #be4 ,ch4 xxv4 #ah4 #bf4 #i4 #bg4 ,other will 4 4 4 ,lord's will4 ,these words--in ,spanish1 ,otra voluntad1 sino hacer la de nuestro ,seor--are not in the handwriting of the ,saint2 perhaps it was ,father ,baes who wrote them4 ,the ,,ms4 is blurred1 and the original text seems to have been1 libre alvedrio ni guerra 7,de la ,fuente74 #bh4 ,st4 ,vincent4 ,ferrer1 ,instruct4 de ,vit4 ,spirit4 c4 xiv4 p4 #ad3 ,si dicerent tibi aliquid quod sit contra fidem1 et contra ,scripturam ,sacram1 aut contra bonos mores1 ahhorreas earum visionem et judicia1 tanquam stultas dementias1 et earum raptus1 sicut rabiamenta--which word the ,saint translates by rabiamientos4 #bi4 ,psalm liv4 #g3 ,quis dabit mihi pennas sicut columb8 #cj4 ,job iv4 #ag3 ,numquid homo ,dei comparatione justificabitur8 ,chapter ,,xxi4 ,conclusion of the ,subject4 ,pain of the ,awakening4 ,light ,against ,delusions4 #a4 ,to bring this matter to an end1 ,i say that it is not necessary for the soul to give its consent here2 it is already given3 the soul knows that it has given up its will into ,his hands1 #a and that it cannot deceive ,him1 because ,he knoweth all things4 ,it is not here as it is in the world1 where all life is full of deceit and double-dealing4 ,when you think you have gained one man's good will1 because of the outward show he makes1 you afterwards learn that all was a lie4 ,no one can live in the midst of so much scheming1 particularly if there be any interests at stake4 #b4 ,blessed1 then1 is that soul which our ,lord draws on to the understanding of the truth6 ,oh1 what a state for kings6 ,how much better it would be for them if they strove for this1 rather than for great dominions6 ,how justice would prevail under their rule6 ,what evils would be prevented1 and might have been prevented already6 ,here no man fears to lose life or honour for the love of ,god4 ,what a grand thing this would be to him who is more bound than those beneath him to regard the honour of our ,lord6--for it is kings whom the crowd must follow4 ,to make one step in the propagation of the faith1 and to give one ray of light to heretics1 ,i would forfeit a thousand kingdoms4 ,and with good reason3 for it is another thing altogether to gain a kingdom that shall never end1 because one drop of the water of that kingdom1 if the soul but tastes it1 renders the things of this world utterly loathsome4 #c4 ,if1 then1 the soul should be wholly engulfed1 what then8 ,o ,lord1 if ,thou wert to give me the right to publish this abroad1 people would not believe me--as they do not believe many who are able to speak of it in a way very different from mine2 but ,i should satisfy myself1 at least4 ,i believe ,i should count my life as nothing1 if ,i might make others understand but one of these truths4 ,i know not what ,i shall do afterwards1 for ,i cannot trust myself2 though ,i am what ,i am1 ,i have a violent desire1 which is wasting me1 to say this to those who are in authority4 ,and now that ,i can do no more1 ,i betake myself to ,thee1 ,o my ,lord1 to implore a remedy for all4 ,thou knowest well that ,i would gladly divest myself of all the graces which ,thou hast given me1--provided ,i remained in a condition never to offend ,thee1--and give them up to those who are kings2 for ,i know it would then be impossible for them to allow what they allow now1 or fail to receive the very greatest blessings4 #d4 ,o my ,god1 make kings to understand how far their obligations reach6 ,thou hast been pleased to distinguish them on earth in such a way that--so ,i have heard--,thou showest signs in the heavens when ,thou takest any of them away4 ,certainly1 when ,i think of this1 my devotion is stirred1 because ,thou wilt have them learn1 ,o my ,king1 even from this1 that they must imitate ,thee in their lives1 seeing that1 when they die1 signs are visible in the heavens1 as it was when ,thou wert dying ,thyself4 #e4 ,i am very bold2 if it be wrong1 you1 my father1 will tear this out3 only believe that ,i should speak much more to the purpose in the presence of kings1--if ,i might1 or thought they would listen to me1--for ,i recommend them greatly to ,god1 and ,i wish ,i might be of service to them4 ,all this makes one risk life2 for ,i long frequently to lose mine1--and that would be to lose a little for the chance of gaining much2 for surely it is not possible to live1 when we see with our eyes the great delusion wherein we are walking1 and the blindness in which we are living4 #f4 ,a soul that has attained to this is not limited to the desires it has to serve ,god2 for ,his ,majesty gives it strength to bring those desires to good effect4 ,nothing can be put before it into which it will not throw itself1 if only it thinks that ,god may be served thereby3 and yet it is doing nothing1 because1 as ,i said before1 #b it sees clearly that all is nothing1 except pleasing ,god4 ,the trial is1 that those who are so worthless as ,i am1 have no trial of the kind4 ,may it be ,thy good pleasure1 ,o my ,god1 that the time may come in which ,i may be able to pay one farthing at least1 of the heavy debt ,i owe ,thee6 ,do ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 so dispose matters according to ,thy will1 that this ,thy servant may do ,thee some service4 ,other women there have been who did heroic deeds for ,thee2 ,i am good only to talk2 and so it has not been ,thy pleasure1 ,o my ,god1 that ,i should do any thing3 all ends in talk and desires--that is all my service4 ,and yet even in this ,i am not free1 because it is possible ,i might fail altogether4 #g4 ,strengthen ,thou my soul1 and prepare it1 ,o ,good of all good2 and1 my ,jesus1 then ordain ,thou the means whereby ,i may do something for ,thee1 so that there may be not even one who can bear to receive so much1 and make no payment in return4 ,cost what it may1 ,o ,lord1 let me not come before ,thee with hands so empty1 #c seeing that the reward of every one will be according to his works4 #d ,behold my life1 behold my good name and my will2 ,i have given them all to ,thee2 ,i am ,thine3 dispose of me according to ,thy will4 ,i see well enough1 ,o ,lord1 how little ,i can do2 but now1 having drawn near to ,thee1--having ascended to this watchtower1 from which the truth may be seen1--and while ,thou departest not from me1 ,i can do all things2 but if ,thou departest from me1 were it but for a moment1 ,i shall go thither where ,i was once--that is1 to hell4 #e #h4 ,oh1 what it is for a soul in this state to have to return to the commerce of the world1 to see and look on the farce of this life1 #f so ill-ordered2 to waste its time in attending to the body by sleeping and eating6 #g ,all is wearisome2 it cannot run away1--it sees itself chained and imprisoned2 it feels then most keenly the captivity into which the body has brought us1 and the wretchedness of this life4 ,it understands the reason why ,st4 ,paul prayed to ,god to deliver him from it4 #h ,the soul cries with the ,apostle1 and calls upon ,god to deliver it1 as ,i said on another occasion4 #i ,but here it often cries with so much violence1 that it seems as if it would go out of the body in search of its freedom1 now that they do not take it away4 ,it is as a slave sold into a strange land2 and what distresses it most is1 that it cannot find many who make the same complaint and the same prayer3 the desire of life is more common4 #i4 ,oh1 if we were utterly detached1--if we never placed our happiness in anything of this world1--how the pain1 caused by living always away from ,god1 would temper the fear of death with the desire of enjoying the true life6 ,sometimes ,i consider1 if a person like myself--because our ,lord has given this light to me1 whose love is so cold1 and whose true rest is so uncertain1 for ,i have not deserved it by my works--frequently feels her banishment so much1 what the feelings of the ,saints must have been4 ,what must ,st4 ,paul and the ,magdalene1 and others like them1 have suffered1 in whom the fire of the love of ,god has grown so strong8 ,their life must have been a continual martyrdom4 ,it seems to me that they who bring me any comfort1 and whose conversation is any relief1 are those persons in whom ,i find these desires--,i mean1 desires with acts4 ,i say with acts1 for there are people who think themselves detached1 and who say so of themselves1--and it must be so1 for their vocation demands it1 as well as the many years that are passed since some of them began to walk in the way of perfection1--but my soul distinguishes clearly1 and afar off1 between those who are detached in words1 and those who make good those words by deeds4 ,the little progress of the former1 and the great progress of the latter1 make it plain4 ,this is a matter which a person of any experience can see into most clearly4 #aj4 ,so far1 then1 of the effects of those raptures which come from the ,spirit of ,god4 ,the truth is1 that these are greater or less4 ,i say less1 because in the beginning1 though the effects are wrought1 they are not tested by works1 and so it cannot be clear that a person has them2 and perfection1 too1 is a thing of growth1 and of labouring after freedom from the cobwebs of memory2 and this requires some time4 ,meanwhile1 the greater the growth of love and humility in the soul1 the stronger the perfume of the flowers of virtues is for itself and for others4 ,the truth is1 that our ,lord can so work in the soul in an instant during these raptures1 that but little remains for the soul to do in order to attain to perfection4 ,no one1 who has not had experience of it1 will ever be able to believe what our ,lord now bestows on the soul4 ,no effort of ours--so ,i think--can ever reach so far4 #aa4 ,however1 ,i do not mean to say that those persons who during many years make use of the method prescribed by writers on prayer1--who discuss the principles thereof1 and the means whereby it may be acquired1--will not1 by the help of our ,lord1 attain to perfection and great detachment with much labour2 but they will not attain to it so rapidly as by the way of raptures1 in which our ,lord works independently of us1 draws the soul utterly away from earth1 and gives it dominion over all things here below1 though the merits of that soul may not be greater than mine were3 ,i cannot use stronger language1 for my merits are as nothing4 ,why ,his ,majesty doeth this is1 because it is ,his pleasure1 and ,he doeth it according to ,his pleasure2 even if the soul be without the fitting disposition1 ,he disposes it for the reception of that blessing which ,he is giving to it4 ,although it be most certain that ,he never fails to comfort those who do well1 and strive to be detached1 still ,he does not always give these effects because they have deserved them at ,his hands by cultivating the garden1 but because it is ,his will to show ,his greatness at times in a soil which is most worthless1 as ,i have just said1 and to prepare it for all good3 and all this in such a way that it seems as if the soul was now1 in a manner1 unable to go back and live in sin against ,god1 as it did before4 #ab4 ,the mind is now so inured to the comprehension of that which is truth indeed1 that everything else seems to it to be but child's play4 ,it laughs to itself1 at times1 when it sees grave men--men given to prayer1 men of religion--make much of points of honour1 which itself is trampling beneath its feet4 ,they say that discretion1 and the dignity of their callings1 require it of them as a means to do more good2 but that soul knows perfectly well that they would do more good in one day by preferring the love of ,god to this their dignity1 than they will do in ten years by considering it4 #ac4 ,the life of this soul is a life of trouble3 the cross is always there1 but the progress it makes is great4 ,when those who have to do with it think it has arrived at the summit of perfection1 within a little while they see it much more advanced2 for ,god is ever giving it grace upon grace4 ,god is the soul of that soul now2 it is ,he who has the charge of it2 and so ,he enlightens it2 for ,he seems to be watching over it1 always attentive to it1 that it may not offend ,him1--giving it grace1 and stirring it up in ,his service4 ,when my soul reached this state1 in which ,god showed me mercy so great1 my wretchedness came to an end1 and our ,lord gave me strength to rise above it4 ,the former occasions of sin1 as well as the persons with whom ,i was accustomed to distract myself1 did me no more harm than if they had never existed2 on the contrary1 that which ordinarily did me harm1 helped me on4 ,everything contributed to make me know ,god more1 and to love ,him2 to make me see how much ,i owed ,him1 as well as to be sorry for being what ,i had been4 #ad4 ,i saw clearly that this did not come from myself1 that ,i had not brought it about by any efforts of my own1 and that there was not time enough for it4 ,his ,majesty1 of ,his mere goodness1 had given me strength for it4 ,from the time our ,lord began to give me the grace of raptures1 until now1 this strength has gone on increasing4 ,he1 of ,his goodness1 hath held me by the hand1 that ,i might not go back4 ,i do not think that ,i am doing anything myself--certainly ,i do not2 for ,i see distinctly that all this is the work of our ,lord4 ,for this reason1 it seems to me that the soul in which our ,lord worketh these graces1--if it walks in humility and fear1 always acknowledging the work of our ,lord1 and that we ourselves can do1 as it were1 nothing1--may be thrown among any companions1 and1 however distracted and wicked these may be1 will neither be hurt nor disturbed in any way2 on the contrary1 as ,i have just said1 that will help it on1 and be a means unto it whereby it may derive much greater profit4 #ae4 ,those souls are strong which are chosen by our ,lord to do good to others2 still1 this their strength is not their own4 ,when our ,lord brings a soul on to this state1 ,he communicates to it of ,his greatest secrets by degrees4 ,true revelations--the great gifts and visions--come by ecstasies1 all tending to make the soul humble and strong1 to make it despise the things of this world1 and have a clearer knowledge of the greatness of the reward which our ,lord has prepared for those who serve ,him4 #aj #af4 ,may it please ,his ,majesty that the great munificence with which ,he hath dealt with me1 miserable sinner that ,i am1 may have some weight with those who shall read this1 so that they may be strong and courageous enough to give up everything utterly for ,god4 ,if ,his ,majesty repays us so abundantly1 that even in this life the reward and gain of those who serve ,him become visible1 what will it be in the next8 #a4 ,ch4 xx4 #cj4 #b4 ,ch4 xx4 #cd4 #c4 ,exod4 xxiii4 #ae3 ,non apparebis in conspectu meo vacuus4 #d4 ,apoc4 ii4 #bc3 ,dabo unicuique vestrum secundum opera sua4 #e4 ,see ch4 xxxii4 #a4 #f4 ,farsa de esta vida tan mal concertada4 #g4 ,inner ,fortress1 iv4 ch4 i4 #aa4 #h4 ,rom4 vii4 #bd3 ,quis me liberabit de corpore mortis hujus8 #i4 ,ch4 xvi4 #g4 #aj4 #a ,cor4 ii4 #i3 ,qu prparavit ,deus his qui diligunt ,illum4 ,chapter ,,xxii4 ,the ,security of ,contemplatives ,lies in ,their ,not ,ascending to ,high ,things if ,our ,lord ,does ,not ,raise ,them4 ,the ,sacred ,humanity ,must ,be the ,road to the ,highest ,contemplation4 ,a ,delusion in ,which the ,saint ,was ,once ,entangled4 #a4 ,there is one thing ,i should like to say--,i think it important3 and if you1 my father1 approve1 it will serve for a lesson that possibly may be necessary2 for in some books on prayer the writers say that the soul1 though it cannot in its own strength attain to this state1--because it is altogether a supernatural work wrought in it by our ,lord1--may nevertheless succeed1 by lifting up the spirit above all created things1 and raising it upwards in humility1 after some years spent in a purgative life1 and advancing in the illuminative4 ,i do not very well know what they mean by illuminative3 ,i understand it to mean the life of those who are making progress4 ,and they advise us much to withdraw from all bodily imagination1 and draw near to the contemplation of the ,divinity2 for they say that those who have advanced so far would be embarrassed or hindered in their way to the highest contemplation1 if they regarded even the ,sacred ,humanity itself4 #a ,they defend their opinion #b by bringing forward the words #c of our ,lord to the ,apostles1 concerning the coming of the ,holy ,ghost2 ,i mean that ,coming which was after the ,ascension4 ,if the ,apostles had believed1 as they believed after the ,coming of the ,holy ,ghost1 that ,he is both ,god and ,man1 ,his bodily ,presence would1 in my opinion1 have been no hindrance2 for those words were not said to the ,mother of ,god1 though she loved ,him more than all4 #d ,they think that1 as this work of contemplation is wholly spiritual1 any bodily object whatever can disturb or hinder it4 ,they say that the contemplative should regard himself as being within a definite space1 ,god everywhere around1 and himself absorbed in ,him4 ,this is what we should aim at4 #b4 ,this seems to me right enough now and then2 but to withdraw altogether from ,christ1 and to compare ,his divine ,body with our miseries or with any created thing whatever1 is what ,i cannot endure4 ,may ,god help me to explain myself6 ,i am not contradicting them on this point1 for they are learned and spiritual persons1 understanding what they say3 ,god1 too1 is guiding souls by many ways and methods1 as ,he has guided mine4 ,it is of my own soul that ,i wish to speak now1--,i do not intermeddle with others1--and of the danger ,i was in because ,i would comply with the directions ,i was reading4 ,i can well believe that he who has attained to union1 and advances no further1--that is1 to raptures1 visions1 and other graces of ,god given to souls1--will consider that opinion to be best1 as ,i did myself3 and if ,i had continued in it1 ,i believe ,i should never have reached the state ,i am in now4 ,i hold it to be a delusion3 still1 it may be that it is ,i who am deluded4 ,but ,i will tell you what happened to me4 #c4 ,as ,i had no director1 ,i used to read these books1 where1 by little and little1 ,i thought ,i might understand something4 ,i found out afterwards that1 if our ,lord had not shown me the way1 ,i should have learned but little from books2 for ,i understood really nothing till ,his ,majesty made me learn by experience3 neither did ,i know what ,i was doing4 ,so1 in the beginning1 when ,i attained to some degree of supernatural prayer1--,i speak of the prayer of quiet1--,i laboured to remove from myself every thought of bodily objects2 but ,i did not dare to lift up my soul1 for that ,i saw would be presumption in me1 who was always so wicked4 ,i thought1 however1 that ,i had a sense of the presence of ,god3 this was true1 and ,i contrived to be in a state of recollection before ,him4 ,this method of prayer is full of sweetness1 if ,god helps us in it1 and the joy of it is great4 ,and so1 because ,i was conscious of the profit and delight which this way furnished me1 no one could have brought me back to the contemplation of the ,sacred ,humanity2 for that seemed to me to be a real hindrance to prayer4 #d4 ,o ,lord of my soul1 and my ,good6 ,jesus ,christ crucified6 ,i never think of this opinion1 which ,i then held1 without pain2 ,i believe it was an act of high treason1 though done in ignorance4 ,hitherto1 ,i had been all my life long so devout to the ,sacred ,humanity--for this happened but lately2 ,i mean by lately1 that it was before our ,lord gave me the grace of raptures and visions4 ,i did not continue long of this opinion1 #e and so ,i returned to my habit of delighting in our ,lord1 particularly at ,communion4 ,i wish ,i could have ,his picture and image always before my eyes1 since ,i cannot have ,him graven in my soul as deeply as ,i wish4 #e4 ,is it possible1 ,o my ,lord1 that ,i could have had the thought1 if only for an hour1 that ,thou couldst be a hindrance to my greatest good8 ,whence are all my blessings8 are they not from ,thee8 ,i will not think that ,i was blamable1 for ,i was very sorry for it1 and it was certainly done in ignorance4 ,and so it pleased ,thee1 in ,thy goodness1 to succour me1 by sending me one who has delivered me from this delusion2 and afterwards by showing ,thyself to me so many times1 as ,i shall relate hereafter1 #f that ,i might clearly perceive how great my delusion was1 and also tell it to many persons2 which ,i have done1 as well as describe it as ,i am doing now4 ,i believe myself that this is the reason why so many souls1 after advancing to the prayer of union1 make no further progress1 and do not attain to very great liberty of spirit4 #f4 ,it seems to me1 that there are two considerations on which ,i may ground this opinion4 ,perhaps ,i am saying nothing to the purpose1 yet what ,i say is the result of experience2 for my soul was in a very evil plight1 till our ,lord enlightened it3 all its joys were but sips2 and when it had come forth therefrom1 it never found itself in that company which afterwards it had in trials and temptations4 #g4 ,the first consideration is this3 there is a little absence of humility--so secret and so hidden1 that we do not observe it4 ,who is there so proud and wretched as ,i1 that1 even after labouring all his life in penances and prayers and persecutions1 can possibly imagine himself not to be exceedingly rich1 most abundantly rewarded1 when our ,lord permits him to stand with ,st4 ,john at the foot of the cross8 ,i know not into whose head it could have entered to be not satisfied with this1 unless it be mine1 which has gone wrong in every way where it should have gone right onwards4 #h4 ,then1 if our constitution--or perhaps sickness--will not permit us always to think of ,his ,passion1 because it is so painful1 who is to hinder us from thinking of ,him risen from the grave1 seeing that we have ,him so near us in the ,sacrament1 where he is glorified1 and where we shall not see ,him in ,his great weariness--scourged1 streaming with blood1 faint by the way1 persecuted by those to whom ,he had done good1 and not believed in by the ,apostles8 ,certainly it is not always that one can bear to meditate on sufferings so great as were those ,he underwent4 ,behold ,him here1 before ,his ascension into heaven1 without pain1 all-glorious1 giving strength to some and courage to others4 ,in the most ,holy ,sacrament1 ,he is our companion1 as if it was not in ,his power to withdraw ,himself for a moment from us4 ,and yet it was in my power to withdraw from ,thee1 ,o my ,lord1 that ,i might serve ,thee better6 ,it may be that ,i knew ,thee not when ,i sinned against ,thee2 but how could ,i1 having once known ,thee1 ever think ,i should gain more in this way8 ,o ,lord1 what an evil way ,i took6 and ,i was going out of the way1 if ,thou hadst not brought me back to it4 ,when ,i see ,thee near me1 ,i see all good things together4 ,no trial befalls me that is not easy to bear1 when ,i think of ,thee standing before those who judged ,thee4 #i4 ,with so good a ,friend and ,captain ever present1 ,himself the first to suffer1 everything can be borne4 ,he helps1 ,he strengthens1 ,he never fails1 ,he is the true ,friend4 ,i see clearly1 and since then have always seen1 that if we are to please ,god1 and if ,he is to give us ,his great graces1 everything must pass through the hands of ,his most ,sacred ,humanity1 in whom ,his ,majesty said that ,he is well pleased4 #g ,i know this by repeated experience3 our ,lord has told it me4 ,i have seen clearly that this is the door #h by which we are to enter1 if we would have ,his supreme ,majesty reveal to us ,his great secrets4 #aj4 ,so1 then1 ,i would have your reverence seek no other way1 even if you were arrived at the highest contemplation4 ,this way is safe4 ,our ,lord is ,he by whom all good things come to us2 ,he will teach you4 ,consider ,his life2 that is the best example4 ,what more can we want than so good a ,friend at our side1 who will not forsake us when we are in trouble and distress1 as they do who belong to this world6 ,blessed is he who truly loves ,him1 and who always has ,him near him6 ,let us consider the glorious ,st4 ,paul1 who seems as if ,jesus was never absent from his lips1 as if he had ,him deep down in his heart4 ,after ,i had heard this of some great ,saints given to contemplation1 ,i considered the matter carefully2 and ,i see that they walked in no other way4 ,st4 ,francis with the stigmata proves it1 ,st4 ,antony of ,padua with the ,infant ,jesus2 ,st4 ,bernard rejoiced in the ,sacred ,humanity2 so did ,st4 ,catherine of ,siena1 and many others1 as your reverence knows better than ,i do4 #aa4 ,this withdrawing from bodily objects must no doubt be good1 seeing that it is recommended by persons who are so spiritual2 but1 in my opinion1 it ought to be done only when the soul has made very great progress2 for until then it is clear that the ,creator must be sought for through ,his creatures4 ,all this depends on the grace which our ,lord distributes to every soul4 ,i do not intermeddle here4 ,what ,i would say is1 that the most ,sacred ,humanity of ,christ is not to be counted among the objects from which we have to withdraw4 ,let this be clearly understood4 ,i wish ,i knew how to explain it4 #i #ab4 ,when ,god suspends all the powers of the soul1--as we see ,he does in the states of prayer already described1--it is clear that1 whether we wish it or not1 this presence is withdrawn4 ,be it so1 then4 ,the loss is a blessed one1 because it takes place in order that we may have a deeper fruition of what we seem to have lost2 for at that moment the whole soul is occupied in loving ,him whom the understanding has toiled to know2 and it loves what it has not comprehended1 and rejoices in what it could not have rejoiced in so well1 if it had not lost itself1 in order1 as ,i am saying1 to gain itself the more4 ,but that we should carefully and laboriously accustom ourselves not to strive with all our might to have always--and please ,god it be always6--the most ,sacred ,humanity before our eyes1--this1 ,i say1 is what seems to me not to be right3 it is making the soul1 as they say1 to walk in the air2 for it has nothing to rest on1 how full soever of ,god it may think itself to be4 #ac4 ,it is a great matter for us to have our ,lord before us as ,man while we are living and in the flesh4 ,this is that other inconvenience which ,i say must be met with4 ,the first--,i have already begun to describe it--is a little failure in humility1 in that the soul desires to rise of itself before our ,lord raises it1 and is not satisfied with meditation on so excellent a subject1--seeking to be ,mary before it has laboured with ,martha4 ,if our ,lord will have a soul to be ,mary1 even on the first day1 there is nothing to be afraid of2 but we must not be self-invited guests1 as ,i think ,i said on another occasion4 #aj ,this little mote of want of humility1 though in appearance a mere nothing1 does a great deal of harm to those who wish to advance in contemplation4 #ad4 ,i now come back to the second consideration4 ,we are not angels1 for we have a body2 to seek to make ourselves angels while we are on the earth1 and so much on the earth as ,i was1 is an act of folly4 ,in general1 our thoughts must have something to rest on1 though the soul may go forth out of itself now and then1 or it may be very often so full of ,god as to be in need of no created thing by the help of which it may recollect itself4 ,but this is not so common a case2 for when we have many things to do1 when we are persecuted and in trouble1 when we cannot have much rest1 and when we have our seasons of dryness1 ,christ is our best ,friend2 for we regard ,him as ,man1 and behold ,him faint and in trouble1 and ,he is our ,companion2 and when we shall have accustomed ourselves in this way1 it is very easy to find ,him near us1 although there will be occasions from time to time when we can do neither the one nor the other4 #ae4 ,for this end1 that is useful which ,i spoke of before3 #aa we must not show ourselves as labouring after spiritual consolations2 come what may1 to embrace the cross is the great thing4 ,the ,lord of all consolation was ,himself forsaken3 they left ,him alone in ,his sorrows4 ,do not let us forsake ,him2 for ,his hand will help us to rise more than any efforts we can make2 and ,he will withdraw ,himself when ,he sees it be expedient for us1 and when ,he pleaseth will also draw the soul forth out of itself1 as ,i said before4 #ab #af4 ,god is greatly pleased when ,he beholds a soul in its humility making ,his ,son a ,mediator between itself and ,him1 and yet loving ,him so much as to confess its own unworthiness1 even when ,he would raise it up to the highest contemplation1 and saying with ,st4 ,peter3 #ac ,go ,thou away from me1 ,o ,lord1 for ,i am a sinful man4 ,i know this by experience3 it was thus that ,god directed my soul4 ,others may walk1 as ,i said before1 #ad by another and a shorter road4 ,what ,i have understood of the matter is this3 that the whole foundation of prayer must be laid in humility1 and that the more a soul humbles itself in prayer1 the more ,god lifts it up4 ,i do not remember that ,he ever showed me any of those marvellous mercies1 of which ,i shall speak hereafter1 #ae at any other time than when ,i was as one brought to nothing1 #af by seeing how wicked ,i was4 ,moreover1 ,his ,majesty contrived to make me understand matters that helped me to know myself1 but which ,i could never have even imagined of myself4 #ag4 ,i believe myself that if a soul makes any efforts of its own to further itself in the way of the prayer of union1 and though it may seem to make immediate progress1 it will quickly fall back1 because the foundations were not duly laid4 ,i fear1 too1 that such a soul will never attain to true poverty of spirit1 which consists in seeking consolation or sweetness1 not in prayer1--the consolations of the earth are already abandoned1--but rather in sorrows1 for the love of ,him who always lived in sorrows ,himself2 #ag and in being calm in the midst of sorrows and aridities4 ,though the soul may feel it in some measure1 there is no disquiet1 nor any of that pain which some persons suffer1 who1 if they are not always labouring with the understanding and with a sense of devotion1 think everything lost1--as if their efforts merited so great a blessing6 #ah4 ,i am not saying that men should not seek to be devout1 nor that they should not stand with great reverence in the presence of ,god1 but only that they are not to vex themselves if they cannot find even one good thought1 as ,i said in another place2 #ah for we are unprofitable servants4 #ai ,what do we think we can do8 ,our ,lord grant that we understand this1 and that we may be those little asses who drive the windlass ,i spoke of3 #bj these1 though their eyes are bandaged1 and they do not understand what they are doing1 yet draw up more water than the gardener can draw with all his efforts4 ,we must walk in liberty on this road1 committing ourselves into the hands of ,god4 ,if it be ,his ,majesty's good pleasure to raise us and place us among ,his chamberlains and secret councillors1 we must go willingly2 if not1 we must serve ,him in the lower offices of ,his house1 and not sit down on the upper seats4 #ba ,as ,i have sometimes said1 #bb ,god is more careful of us than we are ourselves1 and knows what each one of us is fit for4 #ai4 ,what use is there in governing oneself by oneself1 when the whole will has been given up to ,god8 ,i think this less endurable now than in the first state of prayer1 and it does much greater harm2 for these blessings are supernatural4 ,if a man has a bad voice1 let him force himself ever so much to sing1 he will never improve it2 but if ,god gives him a good voice1 he has no need to try it twice4 ,let us1 then1 pray ,him always to show ,his mercy upon us1 with a submissive spirit1 yet trusting in the goodness of ,god4 ,and now that the soul is permitted to sit at the feet of ,christ1 let it contrive not to quit its place1 but keep it anyhow4 ,let it follow the example of the ,magdalene2 and when it shall be strong enough1 ,god will lead it into the wilderness4 #bc #bj4 ,you1 then1 my father1 must be content with this until you meet with some one of more experience and better knowledge than ,i am4 ,if you see people who are beginning to taste of ,god1 do not trust them if they think that they advance more1 and have a deeper fruition of ,god1 when they make efforts of their own4 ,oh1 when ,god wills it1 how ,he discovers ,himself without these little efforts of ours6 ,we may do what we like1 but ,he throws the spirit into a trance as easily as a giant takes up a straw2 no resistance is possible4 ,what a thing to believe1 that ,god will wait till the toad shall fly of itself1 when ,he has already willed it should do so6 ,well1 it seems to me still more difficult and hard for our spirit to rise upwards1 if ,god does not raise it1 seeing that it is burdened with earth1 and hindered in a thousand ways4 ,its willingness to rise is of no service to it2 for1 though an aptness for flying be more natural to it than to a toad1 yet is it so sunk in the mire as to have lost it by its own fault4 #ba4 ,i come1 then1 to this conclusion3 whenever we think of ,christ1 we should remind ourselves of the love that made ,him bestow so many graces upon us1 and also how great that love is which our ,lord ,god has shown us1 in giving us such a pledge of the love ,he bears us2 for love draws forth love4 ,and though we are only at the very beginning1 and exceedingly wicked1 yet let us always labour to keep this in view1 and stir ourselves up to love2 for if once our ,lord grants us this grace1 of having this love imprinted in our hearts1 everything will be easy1 and we shall do great things in a very short time1 and with very little labour4 ,may ,his ,majesty give us that love1--,he knows the great need we have of it1--for the sake of that love which ,he bore us1 and of ,his glorious ,son1 to whom it cost so much to make it known to us6 ,amen4 #bb4 ,there is one thing ,i should like to ask you1 my father4 ,how is it that1 when our ,lord begins to bestow upon a soul a grace so great as this of perfect contemplation1 it is not1 as it ought to be1 perfect at once8 ,certainly1 it seems it should be so2 for he who receives a grace so great ought never more to seek consolations on earth4 ,how is it1 ,i ask1 that a soul which has ecstasies and so far is more accustomed to receive graces1 should yet seem to bring forth fruits still higher and higher1--and the more so1 the more it is detached1--when our ,lord might have sanctified it at once1 the moment ,he came near it8 ,how is it1 ,i ask again1 that the same ,lord brings it to the perfection of virtue only in the course of time8 ,i should be glad to learn the reason1 for ,i know it not4 ,i do know1 however1 that in the beginning1 when a trance lasts only the twinkling of an eye1 and is almost imperceptible but for the effects it produces1 the degree of strength which ,god then gives is very different from that which ,he gives when this grace is a trance of longer duration4 #bc4 ,very often1 when thinking of this1 have ,i imagined the reason might be1 that the soul does not despise itself all at once1 till our ,lord instructs it by degrees1 and makes it resolute1 and gives it the strength of manhood1 so that it may trample utterly upon everything4 ,he gave this strength to the ,magdalene in a moment4 ,he gives the same grace to others1 according to the measure of their abandonment of themselves into the hands of ,his ,majesty1 that ,he may do with them as ,he will4 ,we never thoroughly believe that ,god rewards a hundredfold even in this life4 #bd #bd4 ,i also thought of this comparison3 supposing grace given to those who are far advanced to be the same with that given to those who are but beginners1 we may then liken it to a certain food of which many persons partake3 they who eat a little retain the savour of it for a moment1 they who eat more are nourished by it1 but those who eat much receive life and strength4 ,now1 the soul may eat so frequently and so abundantly of this food of life as to have no pleasure in eating any other food1 because it sees how much good it derives from it4 ,its taste is now so formed upon it1 that it would rather not live than have to eat any other food2 for all food but this has no other effect than to take away the sweet savour which this good food leaves behind4 #be4 ,further1 the conversation of good people does not profit us in one day as much as it does in many2 and we may converse with them long enough to become like them1 by the grace of ,god4 ,in short1 the whole matter is as ,his ,majesty wills4 ,he gives ,his grace to whom ,he pleases2 but much depends on this3 he who begins to receive this grace must make a firm resolution to detach himself from all things1 and esteem this grace according to reason4 #bf4 ,it seems also to me as if ,his ,majesty were going about to try those who love ,him1--now one1 now another1--revealing ,himself in supreme joy1 so as to quicken our belief1 if it should be dead1 in what ,he will give us1 saying1 ,behold6 this is but a drop of the immense sea of blessings2 for ,he leaves nothing undone for those ,he loves2 and as ,he sees them receive it1 so ,he gives1 and ,he gives ,himself4 ,he loves those who love ,him4 ,oh1 how dear ,he is6--how good a ,friend6 ,o my soul's ,lord1 who can find words to describe what ,thou givest to those who trust in ,thee1 and what they lose who come to this state1 and yet dwell in themselves6 ,oh1 let not this be so1 ,o my ,lord6 for ,thou doest more than this when ,thou comest to a lodging so mean as mine4 ,blessed be ,thou for ever and ever6 #bg4 ,i now humbly ask you1 my father1 if you mean to discuss what ,i have written on prayer with spiritual persons1 to see that they are so really2 for if they be persons who know only one way1 or who have stood still midway1 they will not be able to understand the matter4 ,there are also some whom ,god leads at once by the highest way2 these think that others might advance in the same manner--quiet the understanding1 and make bodily objects none of their means2 but these people will remain dry as a stick4 ,others1 also1 there are who1 having for a moment attained to the prayer of quiet1 think forthwith that1 as they have had the one1 so they may have the other4 ,these instead of advancing1 go back1 as ,i said before4 #be ,so1 throughout1 experience and discretion are necessary4 ,may our ,lord1 of ,his goodness1 bestow them on us6 #a4 ,see ,inner ,fortress1 vi4 #g1 #d4 #b4 ,this opinion is supposed to be justified by the words of ,st4 ,thomas1 #c ,sent4 dist4 #bb1 qu4 #c1 art4 #a1 ad quintum4 ,corporalis prsentia ,christi in duobus poterat esse nociva4 ,primo1 quantum ad fidem1 quia videntes ,eum in forma in qua erat minor ,patre1 non ita de facili crederent ,eum qualem ,patri1 ut dicit glossa super ,joannem4 ,secundo1 quantum ad dilectionem1 quia ,eum non solum spiritualiter1 sed etiam carnaliter diligeremus1 conversantes cum ,ipso corporaliter1 et hoc est de imperfectione dilectionis4 #c4 ,st4 ,john xvi4 #g3 ,expedit vobis ut ,ego vadam2 si enim non abiero1 ,paracletus non veniet ad vos4 #d4 ,this sentence is in the margin of the original ,,ms41 not in the text1 but in the handwriting of the ,saint 7,de la ,fuente74 #e4 ,i mean by lately 4 4 4 and visions is in the margin of the ,,ms41 but in the handwriting of the ,saint 7,de la ,fuente74 #f4 ,ch4 xxviii4 #d4 #g4 ,st4 ,matt4 iii4 #ag3 ,hic est ,filius ,meus dilectus1 in quo ,mihi complacui4 #h4 ,st4 ,john x4 #g1 #i3 ,ego sum ostium4 #i4 ,see ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,mount ,carmel1 bk4 iii4 ch4 i4 p4 #bab4 #aj4 ,ch4 xii4 #e1 #g4 #aa4 ,ch4 xv4 #ba4 #ab4 ,ch4 xx4 #b4 #ac4 ,st4 ,luke v4 #h3 ,exi a me1 quia homo peccator sum1 ,domine4 #ad4 ,ch4 xii4 #f4 #ae4 ,ch4 xxviii4 #af4 ,psalm lxxii4 #bb3 ,et ego ad nihilum redactus sum1 et nescivi4 #ag4 ,isaias liii4 #c3 ,virum dolorum1 et scientem infirmitatem4 #ah4 ,ch4 xi4 #ae4 #ai4 ,st4 ,luke xvii4 #aj3 ,servi inutiles sumus4 #bj4 ,ch4 xi4 #aa4 #ba4 ,st4 ,luke xiv4 #h3 ,non discumbas in primo loco4 ,see ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 xxvi4 #a2 but ch4 xvii4 of the old editions4 #bb4 ,ch4 xi4 #bc1 ch4 xviii4 #f4 #bc4 ,os4 ii4 #ad3 ,ducam eam in solitudinem4 #bd4 ,st4 ,matt4 xix4 #bi3 ,qui reliquerit domum1 4 4 4 centuplum accipiet4 #be4 ,ch4 xii4 #e4 ,chapter ,,xxiii4 ,the ,saint ,resumes the ,history of ,her ,life4 ,aiming at ,perfection4 ,means ,whereby ,it ,may ,be ,gained4 ,instructions for ,confessors4 #a4 ,i shall now return to that point in my life where ,i broke off1 #a having made1 ,i believe1 a longer digression than ,i need have made1 in order that what is still to come may be more clearly understood4 ,henceforth1 it is another and a new book1--,i mean1 another and a new life4 ,hitherto1 my life was my own2 my life1 since ,i began to explain these methods of prayer1 is the life which ,god lived in me1--so it seems to me2 for ,i feel it to be impossible that ,i should have escaped in so short a time from ways and works that were so wicked4 ,may our ,lord be praised1 who has delivered me from myself6 #b4 ,when1 then1 ,i began to avoid the occasions of sin1 and to give myself more unto prayer1 our ,lord also began to bestow ,his graces upon me1 as one who desired1 so it seemed1 that ,i too should be willing to receive them4 ,his ,majesty began to give me most frequently the grace of the prayer of quiet1 and very often that of union1 which lasted some time4 ,but as1 in these days1 women have fallen into great delusions and deceits of ,satan1 #b ,i began to be afraid1 because the joy and sweetness which ,i felt were so great1 and very often beyond my power to avoid4 ,on the other hand1 ,i felt in myself a very deep conviction that ,god was with me1 especially when ,i was in prayer4 ,i saw1 too1 that ,i grew better and stronger thereby4 #c4 ,but if ,i was a little distracted1 ,i began to be afraid1 and to imagine that perhaps it was ,satan that suspended my understanding1 making me think it to be good1 in order to withdraw me from mental prayer1 hinder my meditation on the ,passion1 and debar me the use of my understanding3 this seemed to me1 who did not comprehend the matter1 to be a grievous loss but1 as ,his ,majesty was pleased to give me light to offend ,him no more1 and to understand how much ,i owed ,him1 this fear so grew upon me1 that it made me seek diligently for spiritual persons with whom ,i might treat of my state4 ,i had already heard of some2 for the ,fathers of the ,society of ,jesus had come hither2 #c and ,i1 though ,i knew none of them1 was greatly attracted by them1 merely because ,i had heard of their way of life and of prayer2 but ,i did not think myself fit to speak to them1 or strong enough to obey them2 and this made me still more afraid2 for to converse with them1 and remain what ,i was1 seemed to me somewhat rude4 #d4 ,i spent some time in this state1 till1 after much inward contention and fear1 ,i determined to confer with some spiritual person1 to ask him to tell me what that method of prayer was which ,i was using1 and to show me whether ,i was in error4 ,i was also resolved to do everything ,i could not to offend ,god2 for the want of courage of which ,i was conscious1 as ,i said before1 #d made me so timid4 ,was there ever delusion so great as mine1 ,o my ,god1 when ,i withdrew from good in order to become good6 ,the devil must lay much stress on this in the beginning of a course of virtue2 for ,i could not overcome my repugnance4 ,he knows that the whole relief of the soul consists in conferring with the friends of ,god4 ,hence it was that no time was fixed in which ,i should resolve to do this4 ,i waited to grow better first1 as ,i did before when ,i ceased to pray1 #e--;and perhaps ,i never should have become better2 for ,i had now sunk so deeply into the petty ways of an evil habit1--,i could not convince myself that they were wrong1--that ,i needed the help of others1 who should hold out a hand to raise me up4 ,blessed be ,thou1 ,o ,lord6--for the first hand outstretched to me was ,thine4 #e4 ,when ,i saw that my fear was going so far1 it struck me--because ,i was making progress in prayer--that this must be a great blessing1 or a very great evil2 for ,i understood perfectly that what had happened was something supernatural1 because at times ,i was unable to withstand it2 to have it when ,i would was also impossible4 ,i thought to myself that there was no help for it1 but in keeping my conscience pure1 avoiding every occasion even of venial sins2 for if it was the work of the ,spirit of ,god1 the gain was clear2 and if the work of ,satan1 so long as ,i strove to please1 and did not offend1 our ,lord1 ,satan could do me little harm2 on the contrary1 he must lose in the struggle4 ,determined on this course1 and always praying ,god to help me1 striving also after purity of conscience for some days1 ,i saw that my soul had not strength to go forth alone to a perfection so great4 ,i had certain attachments to trifles1 which1 though not very wrong in themselves1 were yet enough to ruin all4 #f4 ,i was told of a learned ecclesiastic1 #f dwelling in this city1 whose goodness and pious life our ,lord was beginning to make known to the world4 ,i contrived to make his acquaintance through a saintly nobleman #g living in the same place4 ,this latter is a married man2 but his life is so edifying and virtuous1 so given to prayer1 and so full of charity1 that the goodness and perfection of it shine forth in all he does3 and most justly so2 for many souls have been greatly blessed through him1 because of his great gifts1 which1 though his condition of a layman be a hindrance to him1 never lie idle4 ,he is a man of great sense1 and very gentle with all people2 his conversation is never wearisome1 but so sweet and gracious1 as well as upright and holy1 that he pleases everybody very much with whom he has any relations4 ,he directs it all to the great good of those souls with whom he converses and he seems to have no other end in view but to do all he may be permitted to do for all men1 and make them content4 #g4 ,this blessed and holy man1 then1 seems to me1 by the pains he took1 to have been the beginning of salvation to my soul4 ,his humility in his relations with me makes me wonder2 for he had spent1 ,i believe1 nearly forty years in prayer1--it may be two or three years less1--and all his life was ordered with that perfection which his state admitted4 ,his wife is so great a servant of ,god1 and so full of charity1 that nothing is lost to him on her account1 #h--;in short1 she was the chosen wife of one who ,god knew would serve ,him so well4 ,some of their kindred are married to some of mine4 ,besides1 ,i had also much communication with another great servant of ,god1 married to one of my first cousins4 #h4 ,it was thus ,i contrived that the ecclesiastic ,i speak of1 who was so great a servant of ,god1 and his great friend1 should come to speak to me1 intending to confess to him1 and to take him for my director4 ,when he had brought him to speak to me1 ,i1 in the greatest confusion at finding myself in the presence of so holy a man1 revealed to him the state of my soul1 and my way of prayer4 ,he would not be my confessor2 he said that he was very much occupied3 and so1 indeed1 he was4 ,he began with a holy resolution to direct me as if ,i was strong1--,i ought to have been strong1 according to the method of prayer which he saw ,i used1--so that ,i should in nothing offend ,god4 ,when ,i saw that he was resolved to make me break off at once with the petty ways ,i spoke of before1 #i and that ,i had not the courage to go forth at once in the perfection he required of me1 ,i was distressed2 and when ,i perceived that he ordered the affairs of my soul as if ,i ought to be perfect at once1 ,i saw that much more care was necessary in my case4 ,in a word1 ,i felt that the means he would have employed were not those by which my soul could be helped onwards2 for they were fitted for a soul more perfect than mine2 and though the graces ,i had received from ,god were very many1 ,i was still at the very beginning in the matter of virtue and of mortification4 #i4 ,i believe certainly1 if ,i had only had this ecclesiastic to confer with1 that my soul would have made no progress2 for the pain it gave me to see that ,i was not doing--and1 as ,i thought1 could not do--what he told me1 was enough to destroy all hope1 and make me abandon the matter altogether4 ,i wonder at times how it was that he1 being one who had a particular grace for the direction of beginners in the way of ,god1 was not permitted to understand my case1 or to undertake the care of my soul4 ,i see it was all for my greater good1 in order that ,i might know and converse with persons so holy as the members of the ,society of ,jesus4 #aj4 ,after this1 ,i arranged with that saintly nobleman that he should come and see me now and then4 ,it shows how deep his humility was2 for he consented to converse with a person so wicked as ,i was4 ,he began his visits1 he encouraged me1 and told me that ,i ought not to suppose ,i could give up everything in one day2 ,god would bring it about by degrees3 he himself had for some years been unable to free himself from some very slight imperfections4 ,o humility6 what great blessings thou bringest to those in whom thou dwellest1 and to them who draw near to those who possess thee6 ,this holy man--for ,i think ,i may justly call him so--told me of weaknesses of his own1 in order to help me4 ,he1 in his humility1 thought them weaknesses2 but1 if we consider his state1 they were neither faults nor imperfections2 yet1 in my state1 it was a very great fault to be subject to them4 #aa4 ,i am not saying this without a meaning1 though ,i seem to be enlarging on trifles2 but these trifles contribute so much towards the beginning of the soul's progress and its flight upwards1 though it has no wings1 as they say2 and yet no one will believe it who has not had experience of it2 but1 as ,i hope in ,god that your reverence will help many a soul1 ,i speak of it here4 ,my whole salvation depended on his knowing how to treat me1 on his humility1 on the charity with which he conversed with me1 and on his patient endurance of me when he saw that ,i did not mend my ways at once4 ,he went on discreetly1 by degrees showing me how to overcome ,satan4 ,my affection for him so grew upon me1 that ,i never was more at ease than on the day ,i used to see him4 ,i saw him1 however1 very rarely4 ,when he was long in coming1 ,i used to be very much distressed1 thinking that he would not see me because ,i was so wicked4 #ab4 ,when he found out my great imperfections1 they might well have been sins1 though since ,i conversed with him ,i am somewhat improved1--and when ,i recounted to him1 in order to obtain light from him1 the great graces which ,god had bestowed upon me1 he told me that these things were inconsistent one with another2 that these consolations were given to people who had made great progress1 and led mortified lives2 that he could not help being very much afraid--he thought that the evil spirit might have something to do in my case2 he would not decide that question1 however1 but he would have me carefully consider my whole method of prayer1 and then tell him of it4 ,that was the difficulty3 ,i did not understand it myself1 and so ,i could tell him nothing of my prayer2 for the grace to understand it--and1 understanding it1 to describe it--has only lately been given me of ,god4 ,this saying of his1 together with the fear ,i was in1 distressed me exceedingly1 and ,i cried2 for certainly ,i was anxious to please ,god1 and ,i could not persuade myself that ,satan had anything to do with it4 ,but ,i was afraid1 on account of my great sins1 that ,god might leave me blind1 so that ,i should understand nothing4 #ac4 ,looking into books to see if ,i could find anything there by which ,i might recognise the prayer ,i practised1 ,i found in one of them1 called the ,ascent of the ,mount1 #aj and in that part of it which relates to the union of the soul with ,god1 all those marks which ,i had in myself1 in that ,i could not think of anything4 ,this is what ,i most dwelt on--that ,i could think of nothing when ,i was in prayer4 ,i marked that passage1 and gave him the book1 that he1 and the ecclesiastic mentioned before1 #aa saint and servant of ,god1 might consider it1 and tell me what ,i should do4 ,if they thought it right1 ,i would give up that method of prayer altogether2 for why should ,i expose myself to danger1 when1 at the end of nearly twenty years1 during which ,i had used it1 ,i had gained nothing1 but had fallen into a delusion of the devil8 ,it was better for me to give it up4 ,and yet this seemed to me hard2 for ,i had already discovered what my soul would become without prayer4 ,everything seemed full of trouble4 ,i was like a person in the middle of a river1 who1 in whatever direction he may turn1 fears a still greater danger1 and is well-nigh drowned4 ,this is a very great trial1 and ,i have gone through many like it1 as ,i shall show hereafter2 #ab and though it does not seem to be of any importance1 it will perhaps be advantageous to understand how the spirit is to be tried4 #ad4 ,and certainly the affliction to be borne is great1 and caution is necessary1 particularly in the case of women1--for our weakness is great1--and much evil may be the result of telling them very distinctly that the devil is busy with them2 yea1 rather1 the matter should be very carefully considered1 and they should be removed out of reach of the dangers that may arise4 ,they should be advised to keep things secret2 and it is necessary1 also1 that their secret should be kept4 ,i am speaking of this as one to whom it has been a sore trouble2 for some of those with whom ,i spoke of my prayer did not keep my secret1 but1 making inquiries one of another1 for a good purpose1 did me much harm2 for they made things known which might well have remained secret1 because not intended for every one and it seemed as if ,i had made them public myself4 #ac #ae4 ,i believe that our ,lord permitted #ad this to be done without sin on their part1 in order that ,i might suffer4 ,i do not say that they revealed anything ,i discussed with them in confession2 still1 as they were persons to whom1 in my fears1 ,i gave a full account of myself1 in order that they might give me light1 ,i thought they ought to have been silent4 ,nevertheless1 ,i never dared to conceal anything from such persons4 ,my meaning1 then1 is1 that women should be directed with much discretion2 their directors should encourage them1 and bide the time when our ,lord will help them1 as ,he has helped me4 ,if ,he had not1 the greatest harm would have befallen me1 for ,i was in great fear and dread2 and as ,i suffered from disease of the heart1 #ae ,i am astonished that all this did not do me a great deal of harm4 #af4 ,then1 when ,i had given him the book1 and told the story of my life and of my sins1 the best way ,i could in general1--for ,i was not in confession1 because he was a layman2 yet ,i gave him clearly to understand how wicked ,i was1--those two servants of ,god1 with great charity and affection1 considered what was best for me4 ,when they had made up their minds what to say1--,i was waiting for it in great dread1 having begged many persons to pray to ,god for me1 and ,i too had prayed much during those days1--the nobleman came to me in great distress1 and said that1 in the opinion of both1 ,i was deluded by an evil spirit2 that the best thing for me to do was to apply to a certain father of the ,society of ,jesus1 who would come to me if ,i sent for him1 saying ,i had need of him2 that ,i ought1 in a general confession1 to give him an account of my whole life1 and of the state ,i was in1--and all with great clearness3 ,god would1 in virtue of the ,sacrament of ,confession1 give him more light concerning me2 for those fathers were very experienced men in matters of spirituality4 ,further1 ,i was not to swerve in a single point from the counsels of that father2 for ,i was in great danger1 if ,i had no one to direct me4 #ag4 ,this answer so alarmed and distressed me1 that ,i knew not what to do--,i did nothing but cry4 ,being in an oratory in great affliction1 not knowing what would become of me1 ,i read in a book--it seemed as if our ,lord had put it into my hands--that ,st4 ,paul said1 ,god is faithful2 #af that ,he will never permit ,satan to deceive those who love ,him4 ,this gave me great consolation4 ,i began to prepare for my general confession1 and to write out all the evil and all the good3 a history of my life1 as clearly as ,i understood it1 and knew how to make it1 omitting nothing whatever4 ,i remember1 when ,i saw ,i had written so much evil1 and scarcely anything that was good1 that ,i was exceedingly distressed and sorrowful4 ,it pained me1 also1 that the nuns of the community should see me converse with such holy persons as those of the ,society of ,jesus2 for ,i was afraid of my own wickedness1 and ,i thought ,i should be obliged to cease from it1 and give up my amusements2 and that if ,i did not do so1 ,i should grow worse3 so ,i persuaded the sacristan and the portress to tell no one of it4 ,this was of little use1 after all2 for when ,i was called down there was one at the door1 as it happened1 who told it to the whole convent4 ,but what difficulties and what terrors ,satan troubles them with who would draw near unto ,god6 #ah4 ,i communicated the whole state of my soul to that servant of ,god #ag and he was a great servant of ,his1 and very prudent4 ,he understood all ,i told him1 explained it to me1 and encouraged me greatly4 ,he said that all was very evidently the work of the ,spirit of ,god2 only it was necessary for me to go back again to my prayer1 because ,i was not well grounded1 and had not begun to understand what mortification meant1--that was true1 for ,i do not think ,i knew it even by name1--that ,i was by no means to give up prayer2 on the contrary1 ,i was to do violence to myself in order to practise it1 because ,god had bestowed on me such special graces as made it impossible to say whether it was1 or was not1 the will of our ,lord to do good to many through me4 ,he went further1 for he seems to have prophesied of that which our ,lord afterwards did with me1 and said that ,i should be very much to blame if ,i did not correspond with the graces which ,god bestowed upon me4 ,it seems to me that the ,holy ,ghost was speaking by his mouth in order to heal my soul1 so deep was the impression he made4 ,he made me very much ashamed of myself1 and directed me by a way which seemed to change me altogether4 ,what a grand thing it is to understand a soul6 ,he told me to make my prayer every day on some mystery of the ,passion1 and that ,i should profit by it1 and to fix my thoughts on the ,sacred ,humanity only1 resisting to the utmost of my power those recollections and delights1 to which ,i was not to yield in any way till he gave me further directions in the matter4 #ai4 ,he left me consoled and fortified3 our ,lord came to my succour and to his1 so that he might understand the state ,i was in1 and how he was to direct me4 ,i made a firm resolution not to swerve from anything he might command me1 and to this day ,i have kept it4 ,our ,lord be praised1 who has given me grace to be obedient to my confessors1 #ah however imperfectly6--and they have almost always been those blessed men of the ,society of ,jesus2 though1 as ,i said1 ,i have but imperfectly obeyed them4 ,my soul began to improve visibly1 as ,i am now going to say4 #a4 ,at the end of ch4 ix4 ,the thirteen chapters interposed between that and this--the twenty-third--are a treatise on mystical theology4 #b4 ,she refers to ,magdalene of the ,cross 7,reforma de los ,descalos1 vol4 i4 lib4 i4 c4 xix4 #b74 #c4 ,the college of the ,society at ,avila was founded in #aeee2 but some of the ,fathers had come thither in #aeec 7,de la ,fuente74 #d4 ,ch4 vii4 #cg4 #e4 ,ch4 xix4 #g1 #h4 #f4 ,gaspar ,daza had formed a society of priests in ,avila1 and was a very laborious and holy man4 ,it was he who said the first ,mass in the monastery of ,st4 ,joseph1 founded by #et4 ,teresa1 whom he survived1 dying ,nov4 #bd1 #aeib4 ,he committed the direction of his priests to ,f4 ,baltasar ,alvarez 7,bouix74 ,juan of ,avila acted much in the same way when the ,jesuits settled in ,avila 7,de la ,fuente74 #g4 ,don ,francisco de ,salcedo4 ,after the death of his wife1 he became a priest1 and was chaplain and confessor of the ,carmelite nuns of ,st4 ,joseph4 ,for twenty years of his married life he attended regularly the theological lectures of the ,dominicans1 in the house of ,st4 ,thomas4 ,his death took place ,sept4 #ab1 #aehj1 when he had been a priest for ten years 7,st4 ,teresa's ,letters1 vol4 iv4 letter #dc1 note #ac3 letter #cfh1 ed4 of ,de la ,fuente74 #h4 ,doa ,mencia del ,aguila 7,de la ,fuente1 in a note on letter #aj1 vol4 ii4 p4 #i1 where he corrects himself1--having previously called her ,mencia de ,avila74 #i4 #d4 #aj4 ,subida del ,monte ,sion1 by a ,franciscan friar1 ,bernardino de ,laredo 7,reforma1 vol4 i4 lib4 i4 c4 xix4 #g74 #aa4 #f4 #ab4 ,see ch4 xxv4 #ah4 #ac4 ,see ch4 xxviii4 #ah4 #ad4 ,see ,relation1 vii4 #ag4 #ae4 ,see ch4 iv4 #f4 #af4 #a ,cor4 x4 #ac3 ,fidelis autem ,deus est1 qui non patietur vos tentari supra id quod potestis4 #ag4 ,f4 ,juan de ,padranos1 whom ,st4 ,francis de ,borja had sent in #aeee1 with ,f4 ,fernando ,alvarez del ,aguila1 to found the house of the ,society in ,avila 7,de la ,fuente74 ,ribera1 i4 #e1 says he heard that ,f4 ,juan de ,padranos gave in part the ,exercises of ,st4 ,ignatius to the ,saint4 #ah4 ,see ,relation1 i4 #i4 ,chapter ,,xxiv4 ,progress ,under ,obedience4 ,her ,inability to ,resist the ,graces of ,god4 ,god ,multiplies ,his ,graces4 #a4 ,after this my confession1 my soul was so docile that1 as it seems to me1 there was nothing in the world ,i was not prepared to undertake4 ,i began at once to make a change in many things1 though my confessor never pressed me--on the contrary1 he seemed to make light of it all4 ,i was the more influenced by this1 because he led me on by the way of the love of ,god2 he left me free1 and did not press me1 unless ,i did so myself1 out of love4 ,i continued thus nearly two months1 doing all ,i could to resist the sweetness and graces that ,god sent4 ,as to my outward life1 the change was visible2 for our ,lord gave me courage to go through with certain things1 of which those who knew me--and even those in the community--said that they seemed to them extreme2 and1 indeed1 compared with what ,i had been accustomed to do1 they were extreme3 people1 therefore1 had reason to say so4 ,yet1 in those things which were of obligation1 considering the habit ,i wore1 and the profession ,i had made1 ,i was still deficient4 ,by resisting the sweetness and joys which ,god sent me1 ,i gained this1 that ,his ,majesty taught me ,himself2 for1 previously1 ,i used to think that1 in order to obtain sweetness in prayer1 it was necessary for me to hide myself in secret places1 and so ,i scarcely dared to stir4 ,afterwards1 ,i saw how little that was to the purpose2 for the more ,i tried to distract myself1 the more our ,lord poured over me that sweetness and joy which seemed to me to be flowing around me1 so that ,i could not in any way escape from it3 and so it was4 ,i was so careful about this resistance1 that it was a pain to me4 ,but our ,lord was more careful to show ,his mercies1 and during those two months to reveal ,himself more than before1 so that ,i might the better comprehend that it was no longer in my power to resist ,him4 #b4 ,i began with a renewed love of the most ,sacred ,humanity2 my prayer began to be solid1 like a house1 the foundations of which are strong2 and ,i was inclined to practise greater penance1 having been negligent in this matter hitherto because of my great infirmities4 ,the holy man who heard my confession told me that certain penances would not hurt me1 and that ,god perhaps sent me so much sickness because ,i did no penance2 ,his ,majesty would therefore impose it ,himself4 ,he ordered me to practise certain acts of mortification not very pleasant for me4 #a ,i did so1 because ,i felt that our ,lord was enjoining it all1 and giving him grace to command me in such a way as to make me obedient unto him4 #c4 ,my soul was now sensitive to every offence ,i committed against ,god1 however slight it might be2 so much so1 that if ,i had any superfluity about me1 ,i could not recollect myself in prayer till ,i had got rid of it4 ,i prayed earnestly that our ,lord would hold me by the hand1 and not suffer me to fall again1 now that ,i was under the direction of ,his servants4 ,i thought that would be a great evil1 and that they would lose their credit through me4 #d4 ,at this time1 ,father ,francis1 who was ,duke of ,gandia1 #b came here2 he had left all he possessed some years before1 and had entered the ,society of ,jesus4 ,my confessor1 and the nobleman of whom ,i spoke before1 #c contrived that he should visit me1 in order that ,i might speak to him1 and give him an account of my way of prayer2 for they knew him to be greatly favoured and comforted of ,god3 he had given up much1 and was rewarded for it even in this life4 ,when he had heard me1 he said to me that it was the work of the ,spirit of ,god1 #d and that he thought it was not right now to prolong that resistance2 that hitherto it had been safe enough1--only1 ,i should always begin my prayer by meditating on some part of the ,passion and that if our ,lord should then raise up my spirit1 ,i should make no resistance1 but suffer ,his ,majesty to raise it upwards1 ,i myself not seeking it4 ,he gave both medicine and advice1 as one who had made great progress himself2 for experience is very important in these matters4 ,he said that further resistance would be a mistake4 ,i was exceedingly consoled2 so1 too1 was the nobleman1 who rejoiced greatly when he was told that it was the work of ,god4 ,he always helped me and gave me advice according to his power1--and that power was great4 #e4 ,at this time1 they changed my confessor's residence4 ,i felt it very much1 for ,i thought ,i should go back to my wickedness1 and that it was not possible to find another such as he4 ,my soul was1 as it were1 in a desert1 most sorrowful and afraid4 ,i knew not what to do with myself4 ,one of my kinswomen contrived to get me into her house1 and ,i contrived at once to find another confessor1 #e in the ,society of ,jesus4 ,it pleased our ,lord that ,i should commence a friendship with a noble lady1 #f a widow1 much given to prayer1 who had much to do with the fathers4 ,she made her own confessor #g hear me1 and ,i remained in her house some days4 ,she lived near1 and ,i delighted in the many conferences ,i had with the fathers2 for merely by observing the holiness of their way of life1 ,i felt that my soul profited exceedingly4 #f4 ,this father began by putting me in the way of greater perfection4 ,he used to say to me1 that ,i ought to leave nothing undone that ,i might be wholly pleasing unto ,god4 ,he was1 however1 very prudent and very gentle at the same time2 for my soul was not at all strong1 but rather very weak1 especially as to giving up certain friendships1 though ,i did not offend ,god by them3 there was much natural affection in them1 and ,i thought it would be an act of ingratitude if ,i broke them off4 ,and so1 as ,i did not offend ,god1 ,i asked him if ,i must be ungrateful4 ,he told me to lay the matter before ,god for a few days1 and recite the hymn1 ,veni1 ,creator1 that ,god might enlighten me as to the better course4 ,one day1 having prayed for some time1 and implored our ,lord to help me to please ,him in all things1 ,i began the hymn2 and as ,i was saying it1 ,i fell into a trance--so suddenly1 that ,i was1 as it were1 carried out of myself4 ,i could have no doubt about it1 for it was most plain4 #g4 ,this was the first time that our ,lord bestowed on me the grace of ecstasy4 ,i heard these words3 ,i will not have thee converse with men1 but with angels4 ,this made me wonder very much2 for the commotion of my spirit was great1 and these words were uttered in the very depth of my soul4 ,they made me afraid1--though1 on the other hand1 they gave me great comfort1 which1 when ,i had lost the fear1--caused1 ,i believe1 by the strangeness of the visitation1--remained with me4 #h4 ,those words have been fulfilled2 for ,i have never been able to form friendship with1 nor have any comfort in1 nor any particular love for1 any persons whatever except those who1 as ,i believe1 love ,god1 and who strive to serve ,him4 ,it has not been in my power to do it4 ,it is nothing to me that they are my kindred1 or my friends1 if ,i do not know them to be lovers of ,god1 or persons given to prayer4 ,it is to me a painful cross to converse with any one4 ,this is the truth1 so far as ,i can judge4 #h ,from that day forth1 ,i have had courage so great as to leave all things for ,god1 who in one moment--and it seems to me but a moment--was pleased to change ,his servant into another person4 ,accordingly1 there was no necessity for laying further commands upon me in this matter4 ,when my confessor saw how much ,i clung to these friendships1 he did not venture to bid me distinctly to give them up4 ,he must have waited till our ,lord did the work--as ,he did ,himself4 ,nor did ,i think myself that ,i could succeed2 for ,i had tried before1 and the pain it gave me was so great that ,i abandoned the attempt1 on the ground that there was nothing unseemly in those attachments4 ,now our ,lord set me at liberty1 and gave me strength also to use it4 #i4 ,so ,i told my confessor of it1 and gave up everything1 according to his advice4 ,it did a great deal of good to those with whom ,i used to converse1 to see my determination4 ,god be blessed for ever6 ,who in one moment set me free1 while ,i had been for many years making many efforts1 and had never succeeded1 very often also doing such violence to myself as injured my health2 but1 as it was done by ,him ,who is almighty1 and the true ,lord of all1 it gave me no pain whatever4 #a4 ,the ,saint now treated her body with extreme severity1 disciplining herself even unto blood 7,reforma1 vol4 i4 lib4 i4 c4 xx4 #d74 #b4 ,st4 ,francis de ,borja came to ,avila1 where ,st4 ,teresa lived1 in #aeeg 7,de la ,fuente74 ,this passage must have been written after the foundation of ,st4 ,joseph1 for it was not in the first ,life1 as the ,saint says1 ch4 x4 #aa1 that he kept secret the names of herself and all others4 #c4 ,ch4 xxiii4 #f4 #d4 ,see ,relation1 viii4 #f4 #e4 ,who he was is not certainly known4 ,the ,bollandists decline to give an opinion3 but ,f4 ,bouix thinks it was ,f4 ,ferdinand ,alvarez1 who became her confessor on the removal of ,f4 ,juan de ,padranos1 and that it was to him she confessed till she placed herself under the direction of ,f4 ,baltasar ,alvarez1 the confessor of ,doa ,guiomar1 as it is stated in the next paragraph1--unless the confessor there mentioned was ,f4 ,ferdinand4 #f4 ,doa ,guiomar de ,ulloa4 ,see below1 ch4 xxxii4 #ac4 #g4 ,if this confessor was ,f4 ,baltasar ,alvarez1 the ,saint1 ,f4 ,bouix observes1 passes rapidly over the history of the year #aeeg1 and the greater part1 perhaps1 of #aeeh2 for ,f4 ,baltasar was ordained priest only in the latter year4 #h4 ,see ,relation1 i4 #f4 ,chapter ,,xxv4 ,divine ,locutions4 ,discussions on ,that ,subject4 #a4 ,it will be as well1 ,i think1 to explain these locutions of ,god1 and to describe what the soul feels when it receives them1 in order that you1 my father1 may understand the matter2 for ever since that time of which ,i am speaking1 when our ,lord granted me that grace1 it has been an ordinary occurrence until now1 as will appear by what ,i have yet to say4 #a #b4 ,the words are very distinctly formed2 but by the bodily ear they are not heard4 ,they are1 however1 much more clearly understood than they would be if they were heard by the ear4 ,it is impossible not to understand them1 whatever resistance we may offer4 ,when we wish not to hear anything in this world1 we can stop our ears1 or give attention to something else3 so that1 even if we do hear1 at least we can refuse to understand4 ,in this locution of ,god addressed to the soul there is no escape1 for in spite of ourselves we must listen2 and the understanding must apply itself so thoroughly to the comprehension of that which ,god wills we should hear1 that it is nothing to the purpose whether we will it or not2 for it is ,his will1 ,who can do all things4 ,we should understand that ,his will must be done2 and ,he reveals ,himself as our true ,lord1 having dominion over us4 ,i know this by much experience2 for my resistance lasted nearly two years1 #b because of the great fear ,i was in3 and even now ,i resist occasionally2 but it is of no use4 #c4 ,i should like to explain the delusions which may happen here1 though he who has had much experience will run little or no risk1 ,i think2 but the experience must be great4 ,i should like to explain also how those locutions which come from the ,good ,spirit differ from those which come from an evil spirit2 and1 further1 how they may be but an apprehension of the understanding1--for that is possible1--or even words which the mind addressed to itself4 ,i do not know if it be so but even this very day ,i thought it possible4 ,i know by experience in many ways1 when these locutions come from ,god4 ,i have been told things two or three years beforehand1 which have all come to pass2 and in none of them have ,i been hitherto deceived4 ,there are also other things in which the ,spirit of ,god may be clearly traced1 as ,i shall relate by and by4 #c #d4 ,it seems to me that a person commending a matter to ,god with great love and earnestness may think that he hears in some way or other whether his prayer will be granted or not1 and this is quite possible2 but he who has heard the divine locution will see clearly enough what this is1 because there is a great difference between the two4 ,if it be anything which the understanding has fashioned1 however cunningly it may have done so1 he sees that it is the understanding which has arranged that locution1 and that it is speaking of itself4 ,this is nothing else but a word uttered by one1 and listened to by another3 in that case1 the understanding will see that it has not been listening only1 but also forming the words2 and the words it forms are something indistinct1 fantastic1 and not clear like the divine locutions4 ,it is in our power to turn away our attention from these locutions of our own1 just as we can be silent when we are speaking2 but1 with respect to the former1 that cannot be done4 #e4 ,there is another test more decisive still4 ,the words formed by the understanding effect nothing2 but1 when our ,lord speaks1 it is at once word and work2 and though the words may not be meant to stir up our devotion1 but are rather words of reproof1 they dispose a soul at once1 strengthen it1 make it tender1 give it light1 console and calm it2 and if it should be in dryness1 or in trouble and uneasiness1 all is removed1 as if by the action of a hand1 and even better2 for it seems as if our ,lord would have the soul understand that ,he is all-powerful1 and that ,his words are deeds4 #f4 ,it seems to me that there is as much difference between these two locutions as there is between speaking and listening1 neither more nor less2 for when ,i speak1 as ,i have just said1 #d ,i go on with my understanding arranging what ,i am saying2 but if ,i am spoken to by others1 ,i do nothing else but listen1 without any labour4 ,the human locution is as something which we cannot well make out1 as if we were half asleep2 but the divine locution is a voice so clear that not a syllable of its utterance is lost4 ,it may occur1 too1 when the understanding and the soul are so troubled and distracted that they cannot form one sentence correctly2 and yet grand sentences1 perfectly arranged1 such as the soul in its most recollected state never could have formed1 are uttered1 and at the first word1 as ,i said1 #e change it utterly4 ,still less could it have formed them if they are uttered in an ecstasy1 when the faculties of the soul are suspended2 for how should the soul then comprehend anything1 when it remembers nothing8--yea1 rather1 how can it remember them then1 when the memory can hardly do anything at all1 and the imagination is1 as it were1 suspended8 #g4 ,but it is to be observed1 that if we see visions and hear words it never is as at the time when the soul is in union in the very rapture itself1--so it seems to me4 ,at that moment1 as ,i have shown1--,i think it was when ,i was speaking of the second water1 #f--;all the faculties of the soul are suspended2 and1 as ,i think1 neither vision1 nor understanding1 nor hearing1 is possible at that time4 ,the soul is then wholly in the power of another2 and in that instant--a very brief one1 in my opinion--our ,lord leaves it free for nothing whatever2 but when this instant is passed1 the soul continuing still entranced1 then is the time of which ,i am speaking2 for the faculties1 though not completely suspended1 are so disposed that they are scarcely active1 being1 as it were1 absorbed1 and incapable of making any reflections4 #h4 ,there are so many ways of ascertaining the nature of these locutions1 that if a person be once deceived1 he will not be deceived often4 ,i mean1 that a soul accustomed to them1 and on its guard1 will most clearly see what they are2 for1 setting other considerations aside which prove what ,i have said1 the human locution produces no effect1 neither does the soul accept it1--though it must admit the other1 whether we like it or not1--nor does it believe it2 on the contrary1 it is known to be a delusion of the understanding1 and is therefore put away as we would put away the ravings of a lunatic4 #i4 ,but as to the divine locution1 we listen to that as we do to a person of great holiness1 learning1 or authority1 whom we know to be incapable of uttering a falsehood4 ,and yet this is an inadequate illustration2 for these locutions proceed occasionally in such great majesty that1 without our recollecting who it is that utters them1 they make us tremble if they be words of reproof1 and die of love if words of love4 ,they are also1 as ,i have said1 #g matters of which the memory has not the least recollection2 and expressions so full are uttered so rapidly1 that much time must have been spent in arranging them1 if we formed them ourselves2 and so it seems to me that we cannot possibly be ignorant at the time that we have never formed them ourselves at all4 #aj4 ,there is no reason1 therefore1 why ,i should dwell longer on this matter4 ,it is a wonder to me that any experienced person1 unless he deliberately chooses to do so1 can fall into delusions4 ,it has often happened to me1 when ,i had doubts1 to distrust what ,i had heard1 and to think that it was all imagination1--but this ,i did afterwards3 for at the moment that is impossible1--and at a later time to see the whole fulfilled2 for our ,lord makes the words dwell in the memory so that they cannot be forgotten4 ,now1 that which comes forth from our understanding is1 as it were1 the first movement of thought1 which passes away and is forgotten2 but the divine locution is a work done2 and though some of it may be forgotten1 and time have lapsed1 yet is not so wholly forgotten that the memory loses all traces of what was once spoken1--unless1 indeed1 after very long time1 or unless the locution were words of grace or of instruction4 ,but as to prophetic words1 they are never forgotten1 in my opinion2 at least1 ,i have never forgotten any1--and yet my memory is weak4 #aa4 ,i repeat it1 unless a soul be so wicked as to pretend that it has these locutions1 which would be a great sin1 and say that it hears divine words when it hears nothing of the kind1 it cannot possibly fail to see clearly that itself arranges the words1 and utters them to itself4 ,that seems to me altogether impossible for any soul that has ever known the ,spirit of ,god4 ,if it has not1 it may continue all its life long in this delusion1 and imagine that it hears and understands1 though ,i know not how that can be4 ,a soul desires to hear these locutions1 or it does not2 if it does not1 it is distressed because it hears them1 and is unwilling to listen to them1 because of a thousand fears which they occasion1 and for many other reasons it has for being quiet in prayer without these interruptions4 ,how is it that the understanding has time enough to arrange these locutions8 ,they require time4 #ab4 ,but1 on the other side1 the divine locutions instruct us without loss of time1 and we understand matters which seem to require a month on our part to arrange4 ,the understanding itself1 and the soul1 stand amazed at some of the things we understand4 ,so it is2 and he who has any experience of it will see that what ,i am saying is literally true4 ,i give ,god thanks that ,i have been able thus to explain it4 ,i end by saying that1 in my opinion1 we may hear the locutions that proceed from the understanding whenever we like1 and think that we hear them whenever we pray4 ,but it is not so with the divine locutions3 for many days ,i may desire to hear them1 and ,i cannot2 and at other times1 even when ,i would not1 as ,i said before1 #h hear them1 ,i must4 ,it seems to me that any one disposed to deceive people by saying that he heard from ,god that which he has invented himself1 might as easily say that he heard it with his bodily ears4 ,it is most certainly true that ,i never imagined there was any other way of hearing or understanding till ,i had proof of it in myself2 and so1 as ,i have said before1 #i it gave me trouble enough4 #ac4 ,locutions that come from ,satan not only do not leave any good effects behind1 but do leave evil effects4 ,this has happened to me2 but not more than two or three times4 ,our ,lord warned me at once that they came from ,satan4 ,over and above the great aridity which remains in the soul after these evil locutions1 there is also a certain disquiet1 such as ,i have had on many other occasions1 when1 by our ,lord's permission1 ,i fell into great temptations and travail of soul in diverse ways2 and though ,i am in trouble often enough1 as ,i shall show hereafter1 #aj yet this disquiet is such that ,i know not whence it comes2 only the soul seems to resist1 is troubled and distressed1 without knowing why2 for the words of ,satan are good1 and not evil4 ,i am thinking whether this may not be so because one spirit is conscious of the presence of another4 #ad4 ,the sweetness and joy which ,satan gives are1 in my opinion1 of a very different kind4 ,by means of these sweetnesses he may deceive any one who does not1 or who never did1 taste of the sweetness of ,god1--by which ,i mean a certain sweet1 strong1 impressive1 delightsome1 and calm refreshing4 ,those little1 fervid bursts of tears1 and other slight emotions1--for at the first breath of persecution these flowers wither1--,i do not call devotion1 though they are a good beginning1 and are holy impressions2 but they are not a test to determine whether these locutions come from a good or an evil spirit4 ,it is therefore best for us to proceed always with great caution2 for those persons who have advanced in prayer only so far as this may most easily fall into delusions1 if they have visions or revelations4 ,for myself1 ,i never had a single vision or revelation till ,god had led me on to the prayer of union1--unless it be on that occasion1 of which ,i have spoken before1 #aa now many years ago1 when ,i saw our ,lord4 ,oh1 that ,his ,majesty had been pleased to let me then understand that it was a true vision1 as ,i have since understood it was6 it would have been no slight blessing to me4 #ae4 ,after these locutions of the evil one1 the soul is never gentle1 but is1 as it were1 terrified1 and greatly disgusted4 #af4 ,i look upon it as a most certain truth1 that the devil will never deceive1 and that ,god will not suffer him to deceive1 the soul which has no confidence whatever in itself2 which is strong in faith1 and resolved to undergo a thousand deaths for any one article of the creed2 which in its love of the faith1 infused of ,god once for all1--a faith living and strong1--always labours1 seeking for further light on this side and on that1 to mould itself on the teaching of the ,church1 as one already deeply grounded in the truth4 ,no imaginable revelations1 not even if it saw the heavens open1 could make that soul swerve in any degree from the doctrine of the ,church4 ,if1 however1 it should at any time find itself wavering even in thought on this point1 or stopping to say to itself1 ,if ,god says this to me1 it may be true1 as well as what ,he said to the ,saints--the soul must not be sure of it4 ,i do not mean that it so believes1 only that ,satan has taken the first step towards tempting it2 and the giving way to the first movements of a thought like this is evidently most wrong4 ,i believe1 however1 that these first movements will not take place if the soul is so strong in the matter--as that soul is to whom our ,lord sends these graces--that it seems as if it could crush the evil spirits in defence of the very least of the truths which the ,church holds4 #ag4 ,if the soul does not discern this great strength in itself1 and if the particular devotion or vision help it not onwards1 then it must not look upon it as safe4 ,for though at first the soul is conscious of no harm1 great harm may by degrees ensue2 because1 so far as ,i can see1 and by experience understand1 that which purports to come from ,god is received only in so far as it corresponds with the sacred writings2 but if it varies therefrom ever so little1 ,i am incomparably more convinced that it comes from ,satan than ,i am now convinced it comes from ,god1 however deep that conviction may be4 ,in this case1 there is no need to ask for signs1 nor from what spirit it proceeds1 because this varying is so clear a sign of the devil's presence1 that if all the world were to assure me that it came from ,god1 ,i would not believe it4 ,the fact is1 that all good seems to be lost out of sight1 and to have fled from the soul1 when the devil has spoken to it2 the soul is thrown into a state of disgust1 and is troubled1 able to do no good thing whatever--for if it conceives good desires1 they are not strong2 its humility is fictitious1 disturbed1 and without sweetness4 ,any one who has ever tasted of the ,spirit of ,god will1 ,i think1 understand it4 #ah4 ,nevertheless1 ,satan has many devices2 and so there is nothing more certain than that it is safer to be afraid1 and always on our guard1 under a learned director1 from whom nothing is concealed4 ,if we do this1 no harm can befall us1 though much has befallen me through the excessive fears which possessed some people4 ,for instance1 it happened so once to me1 when many persons in whom ,i had great confidence1 and with good reason1 had assembled together1--five or six in number1 ,i think1--and all very great servants of ,god4 ,it is true1 my relations were with one of them only2 but by his orders made my state known to the others4 ,they had many conferences together about my necessities2 for they had great affection for me1 and were afraid ,i was under a delusion4 ,i1 too1 was very much afraid whenever ,i was not occupied in prayer2 but when ,i prayed1 and our ,lord bestowed ,his graces upon me1 ,i was instantly reassured4 ,my confessor told me they were all of opinion that ,i was deceived by ,satan2 that ,i must communicate less frequently1 and contrive to distract myself in such a way as to be less alone4 #ai4 ,i was in great fear myself1 as ,i have just said1 and my disease of the heart #ab contributed thereto1 so that very often ,i did not dare to remain alone in my cell during the day4 ,when ,i found so many maintain this1 and myself unable to believe them1 ,i had at once a most grievous scruple2 for it seemed to me that ,i had very little humility1 especially as they all led lives incomparably better than mine3 they were also learned men4 ,why should ,i not believe them8 ,i did all ,i could to believe them4 ,i reflected on my wicked life1 and therefore what they said to me must be true4 #bj4 ,in this distress1 ,i quitted the church1 #ac and entered an oratory4 ,i had not been to ,communion for many days1 nor had ,i been alone1 which was all my comfort4 ,i had no one to speak to1 for every one was against me4 ,some1 ,i thought1 made a mock of me when ,i spoke to them of my prayer1 as if ,i were a person under delusions of the imagination2 others warned my confessor to be on his guard against me2 and some said it was clear the whole was an operation of ,satan4 ,my confessor1 though he agreed with them for the sake of trying me1 as ,i understood afterwards1 always comforted me3 and he alone did so4 ,he told me that1 if ,i did not offend ,god1 my prayer1 even if it was the work of ,satan1 could do me no harm2 that ,i should be delivered from it4 ,he bade me pray much to ,god3 he himself1 and all his penitents1 and many others did so earnestly2 ,i1 too1 with all my might1 and as many as ,i knew to be servants of ,god1 prayed that ,his ,majesty would be pleased to lead me by another way4 ,this lasted1 ,i think1 about two years2 and this was the subject of my continual prayer to our ,lord4 #ba4 ,but there was no comfort for me when ,i thought of the possibility that ,satan could speak to me so often4 ,now that ,i was never alone for prayer1 our ,lord made me recollected even during conversation3 ,he spoke what ,he pleased1--,i could not avoid it2 and1 though it distressed me1 ,i was forced to listen4 ,i was by myself1 having no one in whom ,i could find any comfort2 unable to pray or read1 like a person stunned by heavy trials1 and by the dread that the evil one had deluded me2 utterly disquieted and wearied1 not knowing what would become of me4 ,i have been occasionally--yea1 very often--in distress1 but never before in distress so great4 ,i was in this state for four or five hours2 there was no comfort for me1 either from heaven or on earth--only our ,lord left me to suffer1 afraid of a thousand dangers4 #bb4 ,o my ,lord1 how true a friend art ,thou6 how powerful6 ,thou showest ,thy power when ,thou wilt2 and ,thou dost will it always1 if only we will it also4 ,let the whole creation praise ,thee1 ,o ,thou ,lord of the world6 ,oh1 that a voice might go forth over all the earth1 proclaiming ,thy faithfulness to those who love ,thee6 ,all things fail2 but ,thou1 ,lord of all1 never failest6 ,they who love ,thee1 oh1 how little they have to suffer6 oh1 how gently1 how tenderly1 how sweetly ,thou1 ,o my ,lord1 dealest with them6 ,oh1 that no one had ever been occupied with any other love than ,thine6 ,it seems as if ,thou didst subject those who love ,thee to a severe trial3 but it is in order that they may learn1 in the depths of that trial1 the depths of ,thy love4 ,o my ,god1 oh1 that ,i had understanding and learning1 and a new language1 in order to magnify ,thy works1 according to the knowledge of them which my soul possesses6 ,everything fails me1 ,o my ,lord2 but if ,thou wilt not abandon me1 ,i will never fail ,thee4 ,let all the learned rise up against me1--let the whole creation persecute me1--let the evil spirits torment me1--but do ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 fail me not2 for ,i know by experience now the blessedness of that deliverance which ,thou dost effect for those who trust only in ,thee4 ,in this distress1--for then ,i had never had a single vision1--these ,thy words alone were enough to remove it1 and give me perfect peace3 ,be not afraid1 my daughter3 it is ,i2 and ,i will not abandon thee4 ,fear not4 #ad #bc4 ,it seems to me that1 in the state ,i was in then1 many hours would have been necessary to calm me1 and that no one could have done it4 ,yet ,i found myself1 through these words alone1 tranquil and strong1 courageous and confident1 at rest and enlightened2 in a moment1 my soul seemed changed1 and ,i felt ,i could maintain against all the world that my prayer was the work of ,god4 ,oh1 how good is ,god6 how good is our ,lord1 and how powerful6 ,he gives not counsel only1 but relief as well4 ,his words are deeds4 ,o my ,god6 as ,he strengthens our faith1 love grows4 ,so it is1 in truth2 for ,i used frequently to recollect how our ,lord1 when the tempest arose1 commanded the winds to be still over the sea4 #ae ,so ,i said to myself3 ,who is ,he1 that all my faculties should thus obey ,him8 ,who is ,he1 that gives light in such darkness in a moment2 who softens a heart that seemed to be made of stone2 who gives the waters of sweet tears1 where for a long time great dryness seems to have prevailed2 who inspires these desires2 who bestows this courage8 ,what have ,i been thinking of8 what am ,i afraid of8 what is it8 ,i desire to serve this my ,lord2 ,i aim at nothing else but ,his pleasure2 ,i seek no joy1 no rest1 no other good than that of doing ,his will4 ,i was so confident that ,i had no other desire1 that ,i could safely assert it4 #bd4 ,seeing1 then1 that our ,lord is so powerful1--as ,i see and know ,he is1--and that the evil spirits are ,his slaves1 of which there can be no doubt1 because it is of faith1--and ,i a servant of this our ,lord and ,king1--what harm can ,satan do unto me8 ,why have ,i not strength enough to fight against all hell8 ,i took up the cross in my hand1--,i was changed in a moment into another person1 and it seemed as if ,god had really given me courage enough not to be afraid of encountering all the evil spirits4 ,it seemed to me that ,i could1 with the cross1 easily defeat them altogether4 ,so ,i cried out1 ,come on1 all of you2 ,i am the servant of our ,lord3 ,i should like to see what you can do against me4 #be4 ,and certainly they seemed to be afraid of me1 for ,i was left in peace3 ,i feared them so little1 that the terrors1 which until now oppressed me1 quitted me altogether2 and though ,i saw them occasionally1--,i shall speak of this by and by1 #af--;,i was never again afraid of them--on the contrary1 they seemed to be afraid of me4 #ag ,i found myself endowed with a certain authority over them1 given me by the ,lord of all1 so that ,i cared no more for them than for flies4 ,they seem to be such cowards2 for their strength fails them at the sight of any one who despises them4 ,these enemies have not the courage to assail any but those whom they see ready to give in to them1 or when ,god permits them to do so1 for the greater good of ,his servants1 whom they may try and torment4 #bf4 ,may it please ,his ,majesty that we fear ,him whom we ought to fear1 #ah and understand that one venial sin can do us more harm than all hell together2 for that is the truth4 ,the evil spirits keep us in terror1 because we expose ourselves to the assaults of terror by our attachments to honours1 possessions1 and pleasures4 ,for then the evil spirits1 uniting themselves with us1--we become our own enemies when we love and seek what we ought to hate1--do us great harm4 ,we ourselves put weapons into their hands1 that they may assail us2 those very weapons with which we should defend ourselves4 ,it is a great pity4 ,but if1 for the love of ,god1 we hated all this1 and embraced the cross1 and set about ,his service in earnest1 ,satan would fly away before such realities1 as from the plague4 ,he is the friend of lies1 and a lie himself4 #ai ,he will have nothing to do with those who walk in the truth4 ,when he sees the understanding of any one obscured1 he simply helps to pluck out his eyes2 if he sees any one already blind1 seeking peace in vanities1--for all the things of this world are so utterly vanity1 that they seem to be but the playthings of a child1--he sees at once that such a one is a child2 he treats him as a child1 and ventures to wrestle with him--not once1 but often4 #bg4 ,may it please our ,lord that ,i be not one of these2 and may ,his ,majesty give me grace to take that for peace which is really peace1 that for honour which is really honour1 and that for delight which is really a delight4 ,let me never mistake one thing for another--and then ,i snap my fingers at all the devils1 for they shall be afraid of me4 ,i do not understand those terrors which make us cry out1 ,satan1 ,satan6 when we may say1 ,god1 ,god6 and make ,satan tremble4 ,do we not know that he cannot stir without the permission of ,god8 ,what does it mean8 ,i am really much more afraid of those people who have so great a fear of the devil1 than ,i am of the devil himself4 ,satan can do me no harm whatever1 but they can trouble me very much1 particularly if they be confessors4 ,i have spent some years of such great anxiety1 that even now ,i am amazed that ,i was able to bear it4 ,blessed be our ,lord1 who has so effectually helped me6 #a4 ,philip4 a ,,ss4 ,trinitate1 ,theolog4 ,mystic4 par4 #b1 tr4 iii4 disc4 iv4 art4 v43 ,tres sunt modi divin locutionis2 completur enim divina locutio vel verbis successivis1 vel verbis formalibus1 vel verbis substantialibus4 ,completur verbis successivis cum anima in semetipsa multum collecta quosdam discursus internos de ,deo vel de aliis divina format directione2 hujusmodi quippe discursus1 quamvis ab ipsa sibi formati1 a ,deo tamen dirigente procedunt4 ,completur verbis formalibus cum anima vel in se collecta1 vel aliis occupata1 percipit qudam verba formaliter ac distincte divinitus expressa1 ad quorum formationem anima passive penitus se habet4 ,completur verbis substantialibus cum anima vel in se collecta1 vel etiam distracta1 percipit qudam verba viva et efficacia1 divinitus ad se directa1 qu virtutem aut substantialem effectum per ipsa significatum fortiter ac infallibiliter causant4 ,see also ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,ascent of ,mount ,carmel1 b4 ii4 ch4 xxviii4 and the following1 p4 #ahh4 #b4 ,from #aeee to #aeeg1 when the ,saint was advised by ,st4 ,francis de ,borja to make no further resistance 7,bouix74 #c4 ,see ch4 xxvii4 #d4 #d4 #d4 #e4 #e4 #f4 ,the doctrine here laid down is not that of the second water1--chs4 xiv4 and xv41--but that of the third1 ch4 xvi4 ,the ,saint herself speaks doubtfully2 and as she had but little time for writing1 she could not correct nor read again what she had written 7,de la ,fuente74 #g4 #f4 #h4 #b4 #i4 ,ch4 vii4 #ab4 #aj4 ,ch4 xxviii4 #f1 ch4 xxx4 #aj4 #aa4 ,ch4 vii4 #aa4 #ab4 ,ch4 iv4 #f1 ch4 v4 #ad4 #ac4 ,it was the church of the ,jesuits 7,bouix74 #ad4 ,see ,inner ,fortress1 vi4 #c1 #e4 #ae4 ,st4 ,matt4 viii4 #bf2 ,imperavit ventis et mari1 et facta est tranquillitas magna4 #af4 ,ch4 xxxi4 #b4 #ag4 ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,spiritual ,canticle1 st4 #bd1 p4 #abh1 ,eng4 trans4 #ah4 ,st4 ,matt4 x4 #bf1 #bh2 ,ne ergo timueritis eos1 4 4 4 sed potius timete ,eum4 #ai4 ,st4 ,john viii4 #dd3 ,mendax est1 et pater ejus4 ,chapter ,,xxvi4 ,how the ,fears of the ,saint ,vanished4 ,how ,she ,was ,assured ,that ,her ,prayer ,was the ,work of the ,holy ,spirit4 #a4 ,i look upon the courage which our ,lord has implanted in me against evil spirits as one of the greatest mercies which ,he has bestowed upon me2 for a cowardly soul1 afraid of anything but sin against ,god1 is a very unseemly thing1 when we have on our side the ,king omnipotent1 our ,lord most high1 who can do all things1 and subjects all things to ,himself4 ,there is nothing to be afraid of if we walk1 as ,i said before1 #a in the truth1 in the sight of ,his ,majesty1 with a pure conscience4 ,and for this end1 as ,i said in the same place1 ,i would have myself all fears1 that ,i may not for one instant offend ,him who in that instant is able to destroy us4 ,if ,his ,majesty is pleased with us1 whoever resists us--be he who he may--will be utterly disappointed4 #b4 ,it may be so1 you will say2 but1 then1 where is that soul so just as to please ,him in everything8--and that is the reason why we are afraid4 ,certainly it is not my soul1 which is most wretched1 unprofitable1 and full of misery4 ,god is not like man in ,his ways2 ,he knows our weakness4 ,but the soul perceives1 by the help of certain great signs1 whether it loves ,god of a truth2 for the love of those souls who have come to this state is not hidden as it was at first1 but is full of high impulses1 and of longings for the vision of ,god1 as ,i shall show hereafter--or rather1 as ,i have shown already4 #b ,everything wearies1 everything distresses1 everything torments the soul1 unless it be suffered with ,god1 or for ,god4 ,there is no rest which is not a weariness1 because the soul knows itself to be away from its true rest2 and so love is made most manifest1 and1 as ,i have just said1 impossible to hide4 #c4 ,it happened to me1 on another occasion to be grievously tried1 and much spoken against on account of a certain affair1--of which ,i will speak hereafter1 #c--;by almost everybody in the place where ,i am living1 and by the members of my ,order4 ,when ,i was in this distress1 and afflicted by many occasions of disquiet wherein ,i was placed1 our ,lord spoke to me1 saying3 ,what art thou afraid of8 knowest thou not that ,i am almighty8 ,i will do what ,i have promised thee4 ,and so1 afterwards1 was it done4 ,i found myself at once so strong1 that ,i could have undertaken anything1 so it seemed1 immediately1 even if ,i had to endure greater trials for ,his service1 and had to enter on a new state of suffering4 ,these locutions are so frequent1 that ,i cannot count them2 many of them are reproaches1 and ,he sends them when ,i fall into imperfections4 ,they are enough to destroy a soul4 ,they correct me1 however2 for ,his ,majesty--as ,i said before #d--;gives both counsel and relief4 ,there are others which bring my former sins into remembrance1--particularly when ,he is about to bestow upon me some special grace1--in such a way that the soul beholds itself as being really judged2 for those reproaches of ,god put the truth before it so distinctly1 that it knows not what to do with itself4 ,some are warnings against certain dangers to myself or others2 many of them are prophecies of future things1 three or four years beforehand2 and all of them have been fulfilled3 some of them ,i could mention4 ,here1 then1 are so many reasons for believing that they come from ,god1 as make it impossible1 ,i believe1 for anybody to mistake them4 #d4 ,the safest course in these things is to declare1 without fail1 the whole state of the soul1 together with the graces our ,lord gives me1 to a confessor who is learned1 and obey him4 ,i do so2 and if ,i did not1 ,i should have no peace4 ,nor is it right that we women1 who are unlearned1 should have any3 there can be no danger in this1 but rather great profit4 ,this is what our ,lord has often commanded me to do1 and it is what ,i have often done4 ,i had a confessor #e who mortified me greatly1 and now and then distressed me3 he tried me heavily1 for he disquieted me exceedingly2 and yet he was the one who1 ,i believe1 did me the most good4 ,though ,i had a great affection for him1 ,i was occasionally tempted to leave him2 ,i thought that the pain he inflicted on me disturbed my prayer4 ,whenever ,i was resolved on leaving him1 ,i used to feel instantly that ,i ought not to do so2 and one reproach of our ,lord would press more heavily upon me than all that my confessor did4 ,now and then1 ,i was worn out--torture on the one hand1 reproaches on the other4 ,i required it all1 for my will was but little subdued4 ,our ,lord said to me once1 that there was no obedience where there was no resolution to suffer2 that ,i was to think of ,his sufferings1 and then everything would be easy4 #e4 ,one of my confessors1 to whom ,i went in the beginning1 advised me once1 now that my spiritual state was known to be the work of ,god1 to keep silence1 and not speak of these things to any one1 on the ground that it was safer to keep these graces secret4 ,to me1 the advice seemed good1 because ,i felt it so much whenever ,i had to speak of them to my confessor2 #f ,i was also so ashamed of myself1 that ,i felt it more keenly at times to speak of them than ,i should have done in confessing grave sins1 particularly when the graces ,i had to reveal were great4 ,i thought they did not believe me1 and that they were laughing at me4 ,i felt it so much1--for ,i look on this as an irreverent treatment of the marvels of ,god1--that ,i was glad to be silent4 ,i learned then that ,i had been ill-advised by that confessor1 because ,i ought never to hide anything from my confessor2 for ,i should find great security if ,i told everything2 and if ,i did otherwise1 ,i might at any time fall into delusions4 #g #f4 ,whenever our ,lord commanded me to do one thing in prayer1 and if my confessor forbade it1 our ,lord ,himself told me to obey my confessor4 ,his ,majesty afterwards would change the mind of that confessor1 so that he would have me do what he had forbidden before4 ,when we were deprived of many books written in ,spanish1 and forbidden to read them1--,i felt it deeply1 for some of these books were a great comfort to me1 and ,i could not read them in ,latin1--our ,lord said to me1 ,be not troubled2 ,i will give thee a living book4 ,i could not understand why this was said to me1 for at that time ,i had never had a vision4 #h ,but1 a very few days afterwards1 ,i understood it well enough2 for ,i had so much to think of1 and such reasons for self-recollection in what ,i saw before me and our ,lord dealt so lovingly with me1 in teaching me in so many ways1 that ,i had little or no need whatever of books4 ,his ,majesty has been to me a veritable ,book1 in which ,i saw all truth4 ,blessed be such a ,book1 which leaves behind an impression of what is read therein1 and in such a way that it cannot be forgotten6 #g4 ,who can look upon our ,lord1 covered with wounds1 and bowed down under persecutions1 without accepting1 loving1 and longing for them8 ,who can behold but a part of that glory which ,he will give to those who serve ,him without confessing that all he may do1 and all he may suffer1 are altogether as nothing1 when we may hope for such a reward8 ,who can look at the torments of lost souls without acknowledging the torments of this life to be joyous delights in comparison1 and confessing how much they owe to our ,lord in having saved them so often from the place of torments8 #i ,but as1 by the help of ,god1 ,i shall speak more at large of certain things1 ,i wish now to go on with the story of my life4 ,our ,lord grant that ,i have been clear enough in what ,i have hitherto said6 ,i feel assured that he will understand me who has had experience herein1 and that he will see ,i have partially succeeded2 but as to him who has had no such experience1 ,i should not be surprised if he regarded it all as folly4 ,it is enough for him that it is ,i who say it1 in order to be free from blame2 neither will ,i blame any one who shall so speak of it4 ,our ,lord grant that ,i may never fail to do ,his will6 ,amen4 #a4 ,ch4 xxv4 #bf4 #b4 ,ch4 xv4 #f4 #c4 ,ch4 xxxiii42 the foundation of the house of ,st4 ,joseph4 #d4 ,ch4 xxv4 #bc4 #e4 ,the ,bollandists1 n4 #ahe1 attribute some of the severity with which her confessor treated the ,saint to the spirit of desolation with which he was then tried himself2 and1 in proof of it1 refer to the account which ,f4 ,baltasar ,alvarez gave of his own prayer to the ,general of the ,society4 #f4 ,see ,relation1 vii4 #g4 #g4 ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,mount ,carmel1 bk4 ii4 ch4 #bb1 #ad4 #h4 ,the visions of the ,saint began in #aeeh 7,de la ,fuente7 or1 according to ,father ,bouix1 in #aeei4 #i4 ,st4 ,luke xvi4 #bh3 ,ne et ipsi veniant in hunc locum tormentorum4 ,chapter ,,xxvii4 ,the ,saint ,prays to ,be ,directed by a ,different ,way4 ,intellectual ,visions4 #a4 ,i now resume the story of my life4 ,i was in great pain and distress2 and many prayers1 as ,i said1 #a were made on my behalf1 that our ,lord would lead me by another and a safer way2 for this1 they told me1 was so suspicious4 ,the truth is1 that though ,i was praying to ,god for this1 and wished ,i had a desire for another way1 yet1 when ,i saw the progress ,i was making1 ,i was unable really to desire a change1--though ,i always prayed for it1--excepting on those occasions when ,i was extremely cast down by what people said to me1 and by the fears with which they filled me4 #b4 ,i felt that ,i was wholly changed2 ,i could do nothing but put myself in the hands of ,god3 ,he knew what was expedient for me2 let ,him do with me according to ,his will in all things4 ,i saw that by this way ,i was directed heavenwards1 and that formerly ,i was going down to hell4 ,i could not force myself to desire a change1 nor believe that ,i was under the influence of ,satan4 ,though ,i was doing all ,i could to believe the one and to desire the other1 it was not in my power to do so4 ,i offered up all my actions1 if there should be any good in them1 for this end2 ,i had recourse to the ,saints for whom ,i had a devotion1 that they might deliver me from the evil one2 ,i made novenas2 ,i commended myself to ,st4 ,hilarion1 to the ,angel ,st4 ,michael1 to whom ,i had recently become devout1 for this purpose2 and many other ,saints ,i importuned1 that our ,lord might show me the way1--,i mean1 that they might obtain this for me from ,his ,majesty4 #c4 ,at the end of two years spent in prayer by myself and others for this end1 namely1 that our ,lord would either lead me by another way1 or show the truth of this1--for now the locutions of our ,lord were extremely frequent1--this happened to me4 ,i was in prayer one day1--it was the feast of the glorious ,st4 ,peter1 #b--when ,i saw ,christ close by me1 or1 to speak more correctly1 felt ,him2 for ,i saw nothing with the eyes of the body1 nothing with the eyes of the soul4 ,he seemed to me to be close beside me2 and ,i saw1 too1 as ,i believe1 that it was ,he who was speaking to me4 ,as ,i was utterly ignorant that such a vision was possible1 #c ,i was extremely afraid at first1 and did nothing but weep2 however1 when ,he spoke to me but one word to reassure me1 ,i recovered myself1 and was1 as usual1 calm and comforted1 without any fear whatever4 ,jesus ,christ seemed to be by my side continually1 and1 as the vision was not imaginary1 ,i saw no form2 but ,i had a most distinct feeling that ,he was always on my right hand1 a witness of all ,i did2 and never at any time1 if ,i was but slightly recollected1 or not too much distracted1 could ,i be ignorant of ,his near presence4 #d #d4 ,i went at once to my confessor1 #e in great distress1 to tell him of it4 ,he asked in what form ,i saw our ,lord4 ,i told him ,i saw no form4 ,he then said3 ,how did you know that it was ,christ8 ,i replied1 that ,i did not know how ,i knew it2 but ,i could not help knowing that ,he was close beside me1--that ,i saw ,him distinctly1 and felt ,his presence1--that the recollectedness of my soul was deeper in the prayer of quiet1 and more continuous1--that the effects thereof were very different from what ,i had hitherto experienced1--and that it was most certain4 ,i could only make comparisons in order to explain myself2 and certainly there are no comparisons1 in my opinion1 by which visions of this kind can be described4 ,afterwards ,i learnt from ,friar ,peter of ,alcantara1 a holy man of great spirituality1--of whom ,i shall speak by and by1 #f--;and from others of great learning1 that this vision was of the highest order1 and one with which ,satan can least interfere2 and therefore there are no words whereby to explain1--at least1 none for us women1 who know so little3 learned men can explain it better4 #e4 ,for if ,i say that ,i see ,him neither with the eyes of the body1 nor with those of the soul1--because it was not an imaginary vision1--how is it that ,i can understand and maintain that ,he stands beside me1 and be more certain of it than if ,i saw ,him8 ,if it be supposed that it is as if a person were blind1 or in the dark1 and therefore unable to see another who is close to him1 the comparison is not exact4 ,there is a certain likelihood about it1 however1 but not much1 because the other senses tell him who is blind of that presence3 he hears the other speak or move1 or he touches him2 but in these visions there is nothing like this4 ,the darkness is not felt2 only ,he renders ,himself present to the soul by a certain knowledge of ,himself which is more clear than the sun4 #g ,i do not mean that we now see either a sun or any brightness1 only that there is a light not seen1 which illumines the understanding so that the soul may have the fruition of so great a good4 ,this vision brings with it great blessings4 #f4 ,it is not like that presence of ,god which is frequently felt1 particularly by those who have attained to the prayer of union and of quiet1 when we seem1 at the very commencement of our prayer1 to find ,him with whom we would converse1 and when we seem to feel that ,he hears us by the effects and the spiritual impressions of great love and faith of which we are then conscious1 as well as by the good resolutions1 accompanied by sweetness1 which we then make4 ,this is a great grace from ,god2 and let him to whom ,he has given it esteem it much1 because it is a very high degree of prayer2 but it is not vision4 ,god is understood to be present there by the effects ,he works in the soul3 that is the way ,his ,majesty makes ,his presence felt2 but here1 in this vision1 it is seen clearly that ,jesus ,christ is present1 the ,son of the ,virgin4 ,in the prayer of union and of quiet1 certain inflowings of the ,godhead are present2 but in the vision1 the ,sacred ,humanity also1 together with them1 is pleased to be our visible companion1 and to do us good4 #g4 ,my confessor next asked me1 who told me it was ,jesus ,christ4 #h ,i replied that ,he often told me so ,himself2 but1 even before ,he told me so1 there was an impression on my understanding that it was ,he2 and before this ,he used to tell me so1 and ,i saw ,him not4 ,if a person whom ,i had never seen1 but of whom ,i had heard1 came to speak to me1 and ,i were blind or in the dark1 and told me who he was1 ,i should believe him2 but ,i could not so confidently affirm that he was that person1 as ,i might do if ,i had seen him4 ,but in this vision ,i could do so1 because so clear a knowledge is impressed on the soul that all doubt seems impossible1 though ,he is not seen4 ,our ,lord wills that this knowledge be so graven on the understanding1 that we can no more question ,his presence than we can question that which we see with our eyes3 not so much even2 for very often there arises a suspicion that we have imagined things we think we see2 but here1 though there may be a suspicion in the first instant1 there remains a certainty so great1 that the doubt has no force whatever4 ,so also is it when ,god teaches the soul in another way1 and speaks to it without speaking1 in the way ,i have described4 #h4 ,there is so much of heaven in this language1 that it cannot well be understood on earth1 though we may desire ever so much to explain it1 if our ,lord will not teach it experimentally4 ,our ,lord impresses in the innermost soul that which ,he wills that soul to understand2 and ,he manifests it there without images or formal words1 after the manner of the vision ,i am speaking of4 ,consider well this way in which ,god works1 in order that the soul may understand what ,he means--,his great truths and mysteries2 for very often what ,i understand1 when our ,lord explains to me the vision1 which it is ,his ,majesty's pleasure to set before me1 is after this manner2 and it seems to me that this is a state with which the devil can least interfere1 for these reasons2 but if these reasons are not good1 ,i must be under a delusion4 ,the vision and the language are matters of such pure spirituality1 that there is no toil of the faculties1 or of the senses1 out of which--so seems to me--the devil can derive any advantage4 #i4 ,it is only at intervals1 and for an instant1 that this occurs2 for generally--so ,i think--the senses are not taken away1 and the faculties are not suspended3 they preserve their ordinary state4 ,it is not always so in contemplation2 on the contrary1 it is very rarely so2 but when it is so1 ,i say that we do nothing whatever ourselves3 no work of ours is then possible2 all that is done is apparently the work of our ,lord4 ,it is as if food had been received into the stomach which had not first been eaten1 and without our knowing how it entered2 but we do know well that it is there1 though we know not its nature1 nor who it was that placed it there4 ,in this vision1 ,i know who placed it2 but ,i do not know how ,he did it4 ,i neither saw it1 nor felt it2 ,i never had any inclination to desire it1 and ,i never knew before that such a thing was possible4 #aj4 ,in the locutions of which ,i spoke before1 #i ,god makes the understanding attentive1 though it may be painful to understand what is said2 then the soul seems to have other ears wherewith it hears2 and ,he forces it to listen1 and will not let it be distracted4 ,the soul is like a person whose hearing was good1 and who is not suffered to stop his ears1 while people standing close beside him speak to him with a loud voice4 ,he may be unwilling to hear1 yet hear he must4 ,such a person contributes something of his own2 for he attends to what is said to him2 but here there is nothing of the kind3 even that little1 which is nothing more than the bare act of listening1 which is granted to it in the other case1 is now out of its power4 ,it finds its food prepared and eaten2 it has nothing more to do but to enjoy it4 ,it is as if one without ever learning1 without taking the pains even to learn to read1 and without studying any subject whatever1 should find himself in possession of all knowledge1 not knowing how or whence it came to him1 seeing that he had never taken the trouble even to learn the alphabet4 ,this last comparison seems to me to throw some light on this heavenly gift2 for the soul finds itself learned in a moment1 and the mystery of the most ,holy ,trinity so clearly revealed to it1 together with other most deep doctrines1 that there is no theologian in the world with whom it would hesitate to dispute for the truth of these matters4 #aa4 ,it is impossible to describe the surprise of the soul when it finds that one of these graces is enough to change it utterly1 and make it love nothing but ,him who1 without waiting for anything itself might do1 renders it fit for blessings so high1 communicates to it ,his secrets1 and treats it with so much affection and love4 ,some of the graces ,he bestows are liable to suspicion because they are so marvellous1 and given to one who has deserved them so little--incredible1 too1 without a most lively faith4 ,i intend1 therefore1 to mention very few of those graces which our ,lord has wrought in me1 if ,i should not be ordered otherwise2 but there are certain visions of which ,i shall speak1 an account of which may be of some service4 ,in doing so1 ,i shall either dispel his fears to whom our ,lord sends them1 and who1 as ,i used to do1 thinks them impossible1 or ,i shall explain the way or the road by which our ,lord has led me2 and that is what ,i have been commanded to describe4 #ab4 ,now1 going back to speak of this way of understanding1 what it is seems to me to be this3 it is our ,lord's will in every way that the soul should have some knowledge of what passes in heaven2 and ,i think that1 as the blessed there without speech understand one another1--,i never knew this for certain till our ,lord of ,his goodness made me see it2 ,he showed it to me in a trance1--so is it here3 ,god and the soul understand one another1 merely because ,his ,majesty so wills it1 without the help of other means1 to express the love there is between them both4 ,in the same way on earth1 two persons of sound sense1 if they love each other much1 can even1 without any signs1 understand one another only by their looks4 ,it must be so here1 though we do not see how1 as these two lovers earnestly regard each the other3 the bridegroom says so to the bride in the ,canticle1 so ,i believe1 and ,i have heard that it is spoken of there4 #aj #ac4 ,oh1 marvellous goodness of ,god1 in that ,thou permittest eyes which have looked upon so much evil as those of my soul to look upon ,thee6 ,may they never accustom themselves1 after looking on ,thee1 to look upon vile things again6 and may they have pleasure in nothing but in ,thee1 ,o ,lord6 ,oh1 ingratitude of men1 how far will it go6 ,i know by experience that what ,i am saying is true1 and that all we can say is exceedingly little1 when we consider what ,thou doest to the soul which ,thou hast led to such a state as this4 ,o souls1 you who have begun to pray1 and you who possess the true faith1 what can you be in search of even in this life1 let alone that which is for ever1 that is comparable to the least of these graces8 ,consider1 and it is true1 that ,god gives ,himself to those who give up everything for ,him4 ,god is not an accepter of persons4 #aa ,he loves all2 there is no excuse for any one1 however wicked he may be1 seeing that ,he hath thus dealt with me1 raising me to the state ,i am in4 ,consider1 that what ,i am saying is not even an iota of what may be said2 ,i say only that which is necessary to show the kind of the vision and of the grace which ,god bestows on the soul2 for that cannot be told which it feels when our ,lord admits it to the understanding of ,his secrets and of ,his mighty works4 ,the joy of this is so far above all conceivable joys1 that it may well make us loathe all the joys of earth2 for they are all but dross2 and it is an odious thing to make them enter into the comparison1 even if we might have them for ever4 ,those which our ,lord gives1 what are they8 ,one drop only of the waters of the overflowing river which ,he is reserving for us4 #ad4 ,it is a shame6 ,and1 in truth1 ,i am ashamed of myself2 if shame could have a place in heaven1 ,i should certainly be the most ashamed there4 ,why do we seek blessings and joys so great1 bliss without end1 and all at the cost of our good ,jesus8 ,shall we not at least weep with the daughters of ,jerusalem1 #ab if we do not help to carry his cross with the ,cyrenean8 #ac ,is it by pleasure and idle amusements that we can attain to the fruition of what ,he purchased with so much blood8 ,it is impossible4 ,can we think that we can1 by preserving our honour1 which is vanity1 recompense ,him for the sufferings ,he endured1 that we might reign with ,him for ever8 ,this is not the way2 we are going by the wrong road utterly1 and we shall never arrive there4 ,you1 my father1 must lift up your voice1 and utter these truths aloud1 seeing that ,god has taken from me the power of doing it4 ,i should like to utter them to myself for ever4 ,i listened to them myself1 and came to the knowledge of ,god so late1 as will appear by what ,i have written1 that ,i am ashamed of myself when ,i speak of this2 and so ,i should like to be silent4 #ae4 ,of one thing1 however1 ,i will speak1 and ,i think of it now and then1--may it be the good pleasure of our ,lord to bring me on1 so that ,i may have the fruition of it6--what will be the accidental glory and the joy of the blessed who have entered on it1 when they see that1 though they were late1 yet they left nothing undone which it was possible for them to do for ,god1 who kept nothing back they could give ,him1 and who gave what they gave in every way they could1 according to their strength and their measure1--they who had more gave more4 ,how rich will he be who gave up all his riches for ,christ6 ,how honourable will he be who1 for ,his sake1 sought no honours whatever1 but rather took pleasure in seeing himself abased6 ,how wise he will be who rejoiced when men accounted him as mad6--they did so of ,wisdom ,itself6 #ad ,how few there are of this kind now1 because of our sins6 ,now1 indeed1 they are all gone whom people regarded as mad1 #ae because they saw them perform heroic acts1 as true lovers of ,christ4 #af4 ,o world1 world6 how thou art gaining credit because they are few who know thee6 ,but do we suppose that ,god is better pleased when men account us wise and discreet persons8 ,we think forthwith that there is but little edification given when people do not go about1 every one in his degree1 with great gravity1 in a dignified way4 ,even in the friar1 the ecclesiastic1 and the nun1 if they wear old and patched garments1 we think it a novelty1 and a scandal to the weak2 and even if they are very recollected and given to prayer4 ,such is the state of the world1 and so forgotten are matters of perfection1 and those grand impetuosities of the ,saints4 ,more mischief1 ,i think1 is done in this way1 than by any scandal that might arise if the religious showed in their actions1 as they proclaim it in words1 that the world is to be held in contempt4 ,out of scandals such as this1 our ,lord obtains great fruit4 ,if some people took scandal1 others are filled with remorse3 anyhow1 we should have before us some likeness of that which our ,lord and ,his ,apostles endured2 for we have need of it now more than ever4 #ag4 ,and what an excellent likeness in the person of that blessed friar1 ,peter of ,alcantara1 ,god has just taken from us6 #af ,the world cannot bear such perfection now2 it is said that men's health is grown feebler1 and that we are not now in those former times4 ,but this holy man lived in our day2 he had a spirit strong as those of another age1 and so he trampled on the world4 ,if men do not go about barefooted1 nor undergo sharp penances1 as he did1 there are many ways1 as ,i have said before1 #ag of trampling on the world2 and our ,lord teaches them when ,he finds the necessary courage4 ,how great was the courage with which ,his ,majesty filled the ,saint ,i am speaking of6 ,he did penance--oh1 how sharp it was6--for seven-and-forty years1 as all men know4 ,i should like to speak of it1 for ,i know it to be all true4 #ah4 ,he spoke of it to me and to another person1 from whom he kept few or no secrets4 ,as for me1 it was the affection he bore me that led him to speak2 for it was our ,lord's will that he should undertake my defence1 and encourage me1 at a time when ,i was in great straits1 as ,i said before1 and shall speak of again4 #ah ,he told me1 ,i think1 that for forty years he slept but an hour and a half out of the twenty-four1 and that the most laborious penance he underwent1 when he began1 was this of overcoming sleep4 ,for that purpose1 he was always either kneeling or standing4 ,when he slept1 he sat down1 his head resting against a piece of wood driven into the wall4 ,lie down he could not1 if he wished it2 for his cell1 as every one knows1 was only four feet and a half in length4 ,in all these years1 he never covered his head with his hood1 even when the sun was hottest1 or the rain heaviest4 ,he never covered his feet3 the only garment he wore was made of sackcloth1 and that was as tight as it could be1 with nothing between it and his flesh2 over this1 he wore a cloak of the same stuff4 ,he told me that1 in the severe cold1 he used to take off his cloak1 and open the door and the window of his cell1 in order that when he put his cloak on again1 after shutting the door and the window1 he might give some satisfaction to his body in the pleasure it might have in the increased warmth4 ,his ordinary practice was to eat but once in three days4 ,he said to me1 ,why are you astonished at it8 it is very possible for any one who is used to it4 ,one of his companions told me that he would be occasionally eight days without eating3 that must have been when he was in prayer2 for he was subject to trances1 and to the impetuosities of the love of ,god1 of which ,i was once a witness myself4 #ai4 ,his poverty was extreme2 and his mortification1 from his youth1 was such1--so he told me1--that he was three years in one of the houses of his ,order without knowing how to distinguish one friar from another1 otherwise than by the voice2 for he never raised his eyes3 and so1 when he was obliged to go from one part of the house to the other1 he never knew the way1 unless he followed the friars4 ,his journeys1 also1 were made in the same way4 ,for many years1 he never saw a woman's face4 ,he told me that it was nothing to him then whether he saw it or not3 but he was an aged man when ,i made his acquaintance2 and his weakness was so great1 that he seemed like nothing else but the roots of trees4 ,with all his sanctity1 he was very agreeable2 though his words were few1 unless when he was asked questions2 he was very pleasant to speak to1 for he had a most clear understanding4 #bj4 ,many other things ,i should like to say of him1 if ,i were not afraid1 my father1 that you will say1 ,why does she meddle here8 and it is in that fear ,i have written this4 ,so ,i leave the subject1 only saying that his last end was like his life--preaching to1 and exhorting1 his brethren4 ,when he saw that the end was comes he repeated the ,psalm1 #ai ,ltatus sum in his qu dicta sunt mihi2 and then1 kneeling down1 he died4 #ba4 ,since then1 it has pleased our ,lord that ,i should find more help from him than during his life4 ,he advises me in many matters4 ,i have often seen him in great glory4 ,the first time he appeared to me1 he said3 ,o blessed penance1 which has merited so great a reward6 with other things4 ,a year before his death1 he appeared to me being then far away4 ,i knew he was about to die1 and so ,i sent him word to that effect1 when he was some leagues from here4 ,when he died1 he appeared to me1 and said that he was going to his rest4 ,i did not believe it4 ,i spoke of it to some persons1 and within eight days came the news that he was dead--or1 to speak more correctly1 he had begun to live for evermore4 #bj #bb4 ,behold here1 then1 how that life of sharp penance is perfected in such great glory3 and now he is a greater comfort to me1 ,i do believe1 than he was on earth4 ,our ,lord said to me on one occasion1 that persons could not ask ,him anything in his name1 and ,he not hear them4 ,i have recommended many things to him that he was to ask of our ,lord1 and ,i have seen my petitions granted4 ,god be blessed for ever6 ,amen4 #bc4 ,but how ,i have been talking in order to stir you up never to esteem anything in this life6--as if you did not know this1 or as if you were not resolved to leave everything1 and had already done it6 ,i see so much going wrong in the world1 that though my speaking of it is of no other use than to weary me by writing of it1 it is some relief to me that all ,i am saying makes against myself4 ,our ,lord forgive me all that ,i do amiss herein2 and you too1 my father1 for wearying you to no purpose4 ,it seems as if ,i would make you do penance for my sins herein4 #a4 ,ch4 xxv4 #bj4 #b4 ,see ch4 xxviii4 #e1 and ch4 xxix4 #a4 ,the vision took place1 it seems1 on the #bith ,june4 ,see ch4 xxix4 #f4 #c4 ,see ch4 vii4 #ab4 #d4 ,see ,anton4 a ,spiritu ,sancto1 ,direct4 ,mystic4 tr4 iii4 disp4 v4 #c4 #e4 ,see ,inner ,fortress1 vi4 #h1 #c4 #f4 #ag1 infra4 #g4 ,see ,relation1 vii4 #bf4 #h4 ,inner ,fortress1 vi4 #h1 #c4 #i4 ,ch4 xxv4 #a4 #aj4 ,cant4 vi4 #d3 ,averte oculos tuos a me1 quia ipsi me avolare fecerunt4 ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,mount ,carmel1 bk4 ii4 ch4 xxix4 n4 #f1 ,engl4 trans4 #aa4 ,acts x4 #cd3 ,non est personarum acceptor ,deus4 #ab4 ,st4 ,luke xxiii4 #bh3 ,fili ,jerusalem1 nolite flere super ,me1 sed super vos ipsas flete4 #ac4 ,st4 ,matt4 xxvii4 #cb3 ,hunc angariaverunt ut tolleret crucem ,ejus4 #ad4 ,st4 ,john x4 #bj3 ,dmonium habet et insanit3 quid ,eum auditis8 #ae4 ,sap4 v4 #d3 ,nos insensati vitam illorum stimabamus insaniam4 #af4 #ahth ,oct4 #aefb4 ,as the ,saint finished the first relation of her life in ,june1 #aefb1 this is one of the additions subsequently made4 #ag4 ,ch4 xiv4 #g4 #ah4 ,ch4 xxvi4 #c1 ch4 xxxii4 #af4 #ai4 ,psalm cxxi4 ,the words in the ,,ms4 are3 ,letatun sun yn is que dita sun miqui 7,de la ,fuente74 #bj4 ,see ch4 xxx4 #b4 ,chapter ,,xxviii4 ,visions of the ,sacred ,humanity1 and of the ,glorified ,bodies4 ,imaginary ,visions4 ,great ,fruits ,thereof ,when ,they ,come from ,god4 #a4 ,i now resume our subject4 ,i spent some days1 not many1 with that vision #a continually before me4 ,it did me so much good1 that ,i never ceased to pray4 ,even when ,i did cease1 ,i contrived that it should be in such a way as that ,i should not displease ,him whom ,i saw so clearly present1 an eye-witness of my acts4 ,and though ,i was occasionally afraid1 because so much was said to me about delusions1 that fear lasted not long1 because our ,lord reassured me4 #b4 ,it pleased our ,lord1 one day that ,i was in prayer1 to show me ,his ,hands1 and ,his ,hands only4 ,the beauty of them was so great1 that no language can describe it4 ,this put me in great fear2 for everything that is strange1 in the beginning of any new grace from ,god1 makes me very much afraid4 ,a few days later1 ,i saw ,his divine ,face1 and ,i was utterly entranced4 ,i could not understand why our ,lord showed ,himself in this way1 seeing that1 afterwards1 ,he granted me the grace of seeing ,his whole ,person4 ,later on1 ,i understood that ,his ,majesty was dealing with me according to the weakness of my nature4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever6 ,a glory so great was more than one so base and wicked could bear2 and our merciful ,lord1 knowing this1 ordered it in this way4 #c4 ,you will think1 my father1 that it required no great courage to look upon ,hands and ,face so beautiful4 ,but so beautiful are glorified bodies1 that the glory which surrounds them renders those who see that which is so supernatural and beautiful beside themselves4 ,it was so with me3 ,i was in such great fear1 trouble1 and perplexity at the sight4 ,afterwards there ensued a sense of safety and certainty1 together with other results1 so that all fear passed immediately away4 #b #d4 ,on one of the feasts of ,st4 ,paul1 #c when ,i was at ,mass1 there stood before me the most ,sacred ,humanity1 #d as painters represent ,him after the resurrection1 in great beauty and majesty1 as ,i particularly described it to you1 my father1 when you had insisted on it4 ,it was painful enough to have to write about it1 for ,i could not describe it without doing great violence to myself4 ,but ,i described it as well as ,i could1 and there is no reason why ,i should now recur to it4 ,one thing1 however1 ,i have to say3 if in heaven itself there were nothing else to delight our eyes but the great beauty of glorified bodies1 that would be an excessive bliss1 particularly the vision of the ,humanity of ,jesus ,christ our ,lord4 ,if here below1 where ,his ,majesty shows ,himself to us according to the measure which our wretchedness can bear1 it is so great1 what must it be there1 where the fruition of it is complete6 #e4 ,this vision1 though imaginary1 ,i never saw with my bodily eyes1 nor1 indeed1 any other1 but only with the eyes of the soul4 ,those who understand these things better than ,i do1 say that the intellectual vision is more perfect than this2 and this1 the imaginary vision1 much more perfect than those visions which are seen by the bodily eyes4 ,the latter kind of visions1 they say1 is the lowest2 and it is by these that the devil can most delude us4 #e ,i did not know it then2 for ,i wished1 when this grace had been granted me1 that it had been so in such a way that ,i could see it with my bodily eyes1 in order that my confessor might not say to me that ,i indulged in fancies4 #f4 ,after the vision was over1 it happened that ,i too imagined--the thought came at once--,i had fancied these things2 so ,i was distressed1 because ,i had spoken of them to my confessor1 thinking that ,i might have been deceiving him4 ,there was another lamentation3 ,i went to my confessor1 and told him of my doubts4 ,he would ask me whether ,i told him the truth so far as ,i knew it2 or1 if not1 had ,i intended to deceive him8 ,i would reply1 that ,i told the truth2 for1 to the best of my belief1 ,i did not lie1 nor did ,i mean anything of the kind2 neither would ,i tell a lie for the whole world4 #f ,this he knew well enough2 and1 accordingly1 he contrived to quiet me2 and ,i felt so much the going to him with these doubts1 that ,i cannot tell how ,satan could have put it into my head that ,i invented those things for the purpose of tormenting myself4 #g4 ,but our ,lord made such haste to bestow this grace upon me1 and to declare the reality of it1 that all doubts of the vision being a fancy on my part were quickly taken away1 and ever since ,i see most clearly how silly ,i was4 ,for if ,i were to spend many years in devising how to picture to myself anything so beautiful1 ,i should never be able1 nor even know how1 to do it for it is beyond the reach of any possible imagination here below3 the whiteness and brilliancy alone are inconceivable4 ,it is not a brilliancy which dazzles1 but a delicate whiteness and a brilliancy infused1 furnishing the most excessive delight to the eyes1 never wearied thereby1 nor by the visible brightness which enables us to see a beauty so divine4 ,it is a light so different from any light here below1 that the very brightness of the sun we see1 in comparison with the brightness and light before our eyes1 seems to be something so obscure1 that no one would ever wish to open his eyes again4 #h4 ,it is like most pellucid water running in a bed of crystal1 reflecting the rays of the sun1 compared with most muddy water on a cloudy day1 flowing on the surface of the earth4 ,not that there is anything like the sun present here1 nor is the light like that of the sun3 this light seems to be natural2 and1 in comparison with it1 every other light is something artificial4 ,it is a light which knows no night2 but rather1 as it is always light1 nothing ever disturbs it4 ,in short1 it is such that no man1 however gifted he may be1 can ever1 in the whole course of his life1 arrive at any imagination of what it is4 ,god puts it before us so instantaneously1 that we could not open our eyes in time to see it1 if it were necessary for us to open them at all4 ,but whether our eyes be open or shut1 it makes no difference whatever2 for when our ,lord wills1 we must see it1 whether we will or not4 ,no distraction can shut it out1 no power can resist it1 nor can we attain to it by any diligence or efforts of our own4 ,i know this by experience well1 as ,i shall show you4 #i4 ,that which ,i wish now to speak of is the manner in which our ,lord manifests ,himself in these visions4 ,i do not mean that ,i am going to explain how it is that a light so strong can enter the interior sense1 or so distinct an image the understanding1 so as to seem to be really there2 for this must be work for learned men4 ,our ,lord has not been pleased to let me understand how it is4 ,i am so ignorant myself1 and so dull of understanding1 that1 although people have very much wished to explain it to me1 ,i have never been able to understand how it can be4 #aj4 ,this is the truth3 though you1 my father1 may think that ,i have a quick understanding1 it is not so2 for ,i have found out1 in many ways1 that my understanding can take in only1 as they say1 what is given to it to eat4 ,sometimes my confessor used to be amazed at my ignorance3 and he never explained to me--nor1 indeed1 did ,i desire to understand--how ,god did this1 nor how it could be4 ,nor did ,i ever ask2 though1 as ,i have said1 #g ,i had converse for many years with men of great learning4 ,but ,i did ask them if this or that were a sin or not3 as for everything else1 the thought that ,god did it all was enough for me4 ,i saw there was no reason to be afraid1 but great reason to praise ,him4 ,on the other hand1 difficulties increase my devotion2 and the greater the difficulty the greater the increase4 #aa4 ,i will therefore relate what my experience has shown me2 but how our ,lord brought it about1 you1 my father1 will explain better than ,i can1 and make clear all that is obscure1 and beyond my skill to explain4 ,now and then it seemed to me that what ,i saw was an image2 but most frequently it was not so4 ,i thought it was ,christ ,himself1 judging by the brightness in which ,he was pleased to show ,himself4 ,sometimes the vision was so indistinct1 that ,i thought it was an image2 but still not like a picture1 however well painted--and ,i have seen many good pictures4 ,it would be absurd to suppose that the one bears any resemblance whatever to the other1 for they differ as a living person differs from his portrait1 which1 however well drawn1 cannot be lifelike1 for it is plain that it is a dead thing4 ,but let this pass1 though to the purpose1 and literally true4 #ab4 ,i do not say this by way of comparison1 for comparisons are never exact1 but because it is the truth itself1 as there is the same difference here that there is between a living subject and the portrait thereof1 neither more nor less3 for if what ,i saw was an image1 it was a living image1--not a dead man1 but the living ,christ3 and ,he makes me see that ,he is ,god and man1--not as ,he was in the sepulchre1 but as ,he was when ,he had gone forth from it1 risen from the dead4 ,he comes at times in majesty so great1 that no one can have any doubt that it is our ,lord ,himself1 especially after ,communion3 we know that ,he is then present1 for faith says so4 ,he shows ,himself so clearly to be the ,lord of that little dwelling-place1 that the soul seems to be dissolved and lost in ,christ4 ,o my ,jesus1 who can describe the majesty wherein ,thou showest ,thyself6 ,how utterly ,thou art the ,lord of the whole world1 and of heaven1 and of a thousand other and innumerable worlds and heavens1 the creation of which is possible to ,thee6 ,the soul understands by that majesty wherein ,thou showest ,thyself that it is nothing for ,thee to be ,lord of all this4 #ac4 ,here it is plain1 ,o my ,jesus1 how slight is the power of all the devils in comparison with ,thine1 and how he who is pleasing unto ,thee is able to tread all hell under his feet4 ,here we see why the devils trembled when ,thou didst go down to ,limbus1 and why they might have longed for a thousand hells still lower1 that they might escape from ,thy terrible ,majesty4 ,i see that it is ,thy will the soul should feel the greatness of ,thy ,majesty1 and the power of ,thy most ,sacred ,humanity1 united with ,thy ,divinity4 ,here1 too1 we see what the day of judgment will be1 when we shall behold the ,king in ,his ,majesty1 and in the rigour of ,his justice against the wicked4 ,here we learn true humility1 imprinted in the soul by the sight of its own wretchedness1 of which now it cannot be ignorant4 ,here1 also1 is confusion of face1 and true repentance for sins2 for though the soul sees that our ,lord shows how ,he loves it1 yet it knows not where to go1 and so is utterly dissolved4 #ad4 ,my meaning is1 that so exceedingly great is the power of this vision1 when our ,lord shows the soul much of ,his grandeur and majesty1 that it is impossible1 in my opinion1 for any soul to endure it1 if our ,lord did not succour it in a most supernatural way1 by throwing it into a trance or ecstasy1 whereby the vision of the divine presence is lost in the fruition thereof4 ,it is true that afterwards the vision is forgotten2 but there remains so deep an impression of the majesty and beauty of ,god1 that it is impossible to forget it1 except when our ,lord is pleased that the soul should suffer from aridity and desolation1 of which ,i shall speak hereafter2 #h for then it seems to forget ,god ,himself4 ,the soul is itself no longer1 it is always inebriated2 it seems as if a living love of ,god1 of the highest kind1 made a new beginning within it2 for though the former vision1 which ,i said represented ,god without any likeness of ,him1 #i is of a higher kind1 yet because of our weakness1 in order that the remembrance of the vision may last1 and that our thoughts may be well occupied1 it is a great matter that a presence so divine should remain and abide in our imagination4 ,these two kinds of visions come almost always together1 and they do so come2 for we behold the excellency and beauty and glory of the most ,holy ,humanity with the eyes of the soul4 ,and in the other way ,i have spoken of1--that of intellectual vision1--we learn how ,he is ,god1 is mighty1 can do all things1 commands all things1 governs all things1 and fills all things with ,his love4 #ae4 ,this vision is to be esteemed very highly2 nor is there1 in my opinion1 any risk in it1 because the fruits of it show that the devil has no power here4 ,i think he tried three or four times to represent our ,lord to me1 in this way1 by a false image of ,him4 ,he takes the appearance of flesh1 but he cannot counterfeit the glory which it has when the vision is from ,god4 ,satan makes his representations in order to undo the true vision which the soul has had3 but the soul resists instinctively2 is troubled1 disgusted1 and restless2 it loses that devotion and joy it previously had1 and cannot pray at all4 ,in the beginning1 it so happened to me three or four times4 ,these satanic visions are very different things2 and even he who shall have attained to the prayer of quiet only will1 ,i believe1 detect them by those results of them which ,i described when ,i was speaking of locutions4 #aj ,they are most easily recognised2 and if a soul consents not to its own delusion1 ,i do not think that ,satan will be able to deceive it1 provided it walks in humility and singleness of heart4 ,he who shall have had the true vision1 coming from ,god1 detects the false visions at once2 for1 though they begin with a certain sweetness and joy1 the soul rejects them of itself2 and the joy which ,satan ministers must be1 ,i think1 very different--it shows no traces of pure and holy love3 ,satan very quickly betrays himself4 #af4 ,thus1 then1 as ,i believe1 ,satan can do no harm to anyone who has had experience of these things2 for it is the most impossible of all impossible things that all this may be the work of the imagination4 ,there is no ground whatever for the supposition2 for the very beauty and whiteness of one of our ,lord's ,hands #aa are beyond our imagination altogether4 ,how is it that we see present before us1 in a moment1 what we do not remember1 what we have never thought of1 and1 moreover1 what1 in a long space of time1 the imagination could not compass1 because1 as ,i have just said1 #ab it far transcends anything we can comprehend in this life8 ,this1 then1 is not possible4 ,whether we have any power in the matter or not will appear by what ,i am now going to say4 #ag4 ,if the vision were the work of a man's own understanding1--setting aside that such a vision would not accomplish the great results of the true one1 nor1 indeed1 any at all1--it would be as the act of one who tries to go to sleep1 and yet continues awake1 because sleep has not come4 ,he longs for it1 because of some necessity or weakness in his head3 and so he lulls himself to sleep1 and makes efforts to procure it1 and now and then thinks he has succeeded2 but1 if the sleep be not real1 it will not support him1 nor supply strength to his head3 on the contrary1 his head will very often be the worse for it4 ,so will it be here1 in a measure2 the soul will be dissipated1 neither sustained nor strengthened2 on the contrary1 it will be wearied and disgusted4 ,but1 in the true vision1 the riches which abide in the soul cannot be described2 even the body receives health and comfort4 #ah4 ,i urged this argument1 among others1 when they told me that my visions came from the evil one1 and that ,i imagined them myself1--and it was very often1--and made use of certain illustrations1 as well as ,i could1 and as our ,lord suggested to me4 ,but all was to little purpose2 for as there were most holy persons in the place1--in comparison with whom ,i was a mass of perdition1--whom ,god did not lead by this way1 they were at once filled with fear2 they thought it all came through my sins4 ,and so my state was talked about1 and came to the knowledge of many2 though ,i had spoken of it to no one1 except my confessor1 or to those to whom he commanded #ac me to speak of it4 #ai4 ,i said to them once1 ,if they who thus speak of my state were to tell me that a person with whom ,i had just conversed1 and whom ,i knew well1 was not that person1 but that ,i was deluding myself1 and that they knew it1 ,i should certainly trust them rather than my own eyes4 ,but if that person left with me certain jewels1--and if1 possessing none previously1 ,i held the jewels in my hand as pledges of a great love1--and if ,i were now rich1 instead of poor as before1--,i should not be able to believe this that they said1 though ,i might wish it4 ,these jewels ,i could now show them1 for all who knew me saw clearly that my soul was changed1--and so my confessor said2 for the difference was very great in every way--not a pretence1 but such as all might most clearly observe4 ,as ,i was formerly so wicked1 ,i said1 ,i could not believe that ,satan1 if he wished to deceive me and take me down to hell1 would have recourse to means so adverse to his purpose as this1 of rooting out my faults1 implanting virtues and spiritual strength2 for ,i saw clearly that ,i had become at once another person through the instrumentality of these visions4 #bj4 ,my confessor1 who was1 as ,i said before1 #ad one of the fathers of the ,society of ,jesus1 and a really holy man1 answered them in the same way1--so ,i learnt afterwards4 ,he was a most discreet man1 and of great humility2 but this great humility of his brought me into serious trouble3 for1 though he was a man much given to prayer1 and learned1 he never trusted his own judgment1 because our ,lord was not leading him by this way4 ,he had1 therefore1 much to suffer on my account1 in many ways4 ,i knew they used to say to him that he must be on his guard against me1 lest ,satan should delude him through a belief in anything ,i might say to him4 ,they gave instances of others who were deluded4 #ae ,all this distressed me4 ,i began to be afraid ,i should find no one to hear my confession1 #af and that all would avoid me4 ,i did nothing but weep4 #ba4 ,it was a providence of ,god that he was willing to stand by me and hear my confession4 ,but he was so great a servant of ,god1 that he would have exposed himself to anything for ,his sake4 ,so he told me that if ,i did not offend ,god1 nor swerve from the instructions he gave me1 there was no fear ,i should be deserted by him4 ,he encouraged me always1 and quieted me4 ,he bade me never to conceal anything from him2 and ,i never did4 #ag ,he used to say that1 so long as ,i did this1 the devil1 if it were the devil1 could not hurt me2 on the contrary1 out of that evil which ,satan wished to do me1 our ,lord would bring forth good4 ,he laboured with all his might to make me perfect4 ,as ,i was very much afraid myself1 ,i obeyed him in everything1 though imperfectly4 ,he had much to suffer on my account during three years of trouble and more1 because he heard my confession all that time2 for in the great persecutions that fell upon me1 and the many harsh judgments of me which our ,lord permitted1--many of which ,i did not deserve1--everything was carried to him1 and he was found fault with because of me1--he being all the while utterly blameless4 #bb4 ,if he had not been so holy a man1 and if our ,lord had not been with him1 it would have1 been impossible for him to bear so much2 for he had to answer those who regarded me as one going to destruction2 and they would not believe what he said to them4 ,on the other hand1 he had to quiet me1 and relieve me of my fears2 when my fears increased1 he had again to reassure me2 for1 after every vision which was strange to me1 our ,lord permitted me to remain in great fear4 ,all this was the result of my being then1 and of having been1 a sinner4 ,he used to console me out of his great compassion2 and1 if he had trusted to his own convictions1 ,i should not have had so much to suffer2 for ,god revealed the whole truth to him4 ,i believe that he received this light from the ,blessed ,sacrament4 #bc4 ,those servants of ,god who were not satisfied had many conversations with me4 #ah ,as ,i spoke to them carelessly1 so they misunderstood my meaning in many things4 ,i had a great regard for one of them2 for my soul owed him more than ,i can tell4 ,he was a most holy man1 and ,i felt it most acutely when ,i saw that he did not understand me4 ,he had a great desire for my improvement1 and hoped our ,lord would enlighten me4 ,so1 then1 because ,i spoke1 as ,i was saying1 without careful consideration1 they looked upon me as deficient in humility2 and when they detected any of my faults--they might have detected many--they condemned me at once4 ,they used to put certain questions to me1 which ,i answered simply and carelessly4 ,then they concluded forthwith that ,i wished to teach them1 and that ,i considered myself to be a learned woman4 ,all this was carried to my confessor1--for certainly they desired my amendment--and so he would reprimand me4 ,this lasted some time1 and ,i was distressed on many sides2 but1 with the graces which our ,lord gave me1 ,i bore it all4 #bd4 ,i relate this in order that people may see what a great trial it is not to find any one who knows this way of the spirit by experience4 ,if our ,lord had not dealt so favourably with me1 ,i know not what would have become of me4 ,there were some things that were enough to take away my reason2 and now and then ,i was reduced to such straits that ,i could do nothing but lift up my eyes to our ,lord4 #ai ,the contradiction of good people1 which a wretched woman1 weak1 wicked1 and timid as ,i am1 must bear with1 seems to be nothing when thus described2 but ,i1 who in the course of my life passed through very great trials1 found this one of the heaviest4 #bj #be4 ,may our ,lord grant that ,i may have pleased ,his ,majesty a little herein2 for ,i am sure that they pleased ,him who condemned and rebuked me1 and that it was all for my great good4 #a4 ,ch4 xxvii4 #c4 #b4 ,philipp4 a ,,ss4 ,trinitate1 ,theolog4 ,mystic4 par4 #b1 tr4 #c1 disc4 iv41 art4 #h3 ,quamvis in principio visiones a dmone fict aliquam habeant pacem ac dulcedinem1 in fine tamen confusionum et amaritudinem in anima relinquunt2 cujus contrarium est in divinis visionibus1 qu spe turbant in principio1 sed semper in fine pacem anim relinquunt4 ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,spiritual ,canticle1 st4 #ad1 p4 #hd3 ,in the spiritual passage from the sleep of natural ignorance to the wakefulness of the supernatural understanding1 which is the beginning of trance or ecstasy1 the spiritual vision then revealed makes the soul fear and tremble4 #c4 ,see ch4 xxix4 #d4 #d4 ,the holy ,mother1 ,teresa of ,jesus1 had these imaginary visions for many years1 seeing our ,lord continually present before her in great beauty1 risen from the dead1 with ,his wounds and the crown of thorns4 ,she had a picture made of ,him1 which she gave to me1 and which ,i gave to ,don ,fernando de ,toledo1 ,duke of ,alva 7,jerome ,gratian1 ,union del ,alma1 cap4 #e4 ,madrid1 #afaf74 #e4 ,anton4 a ,sp4 ,sancto1 ,direct4 ,mystic4 tr4 iii4 disp4 #e1 ,i1 n4 #cae3 ,visio corporea est infima1 visio imaginaria est media1 visio intellectualis est suprema4 ,n4 #cbb3 ,apparitio visibilis1 cum sit omnium infima1 est magis exposita illusioni diaboli1 nisi forte huic visioni corporali visio intellectualis adjungatur1 ut in apparitione ,s4 ,gabrielis archangeli facta ,beat ,virgini4 #f4 ,see ch4 xxx4 #ah4 #g4 ,ch4 xxv4 #ah4 #h4 ,ch4 xxx4 #i1 #aj4 ,see ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,obscure ,night1 bk4 ii4 ch4 #g4 #i4 ,ch4 xxvii4 #c4 #aj4 ,ch4 xxv4 #h4 #aa4 ,see #b4 #ab4 #g1 supra4 #ac4 ,see ch4 xxiii4 #ad4 #ad4 ,ch4 xxiv4 #e4 #ae4 ,there were in ,spain1 and elsewhere1 many women who were hypocrites1 or deluded4 ,among others was the prioress of ,lisbon1 afterwards notorious1 who deceived ,luis of ,granada 7,de la ,fuente74 #af4 ,inner ,fortress1 vi4 #a1 #d4 #ag4 ,ch4 xxvi4 #e2 ,inner ,fortress1 vi4 #i1 #g4 #ah4 ,see ch4 xxv4 #ah4 #ai4 #b ,paralip4 xx4 #ab3 ,sed cum ignoremus quid agere debeamus1 hoc solum habemus residui1 ut oculos nostros dirigamus ad ,te4 #bj4 ,see ch4 xxx4 #f4 ,chapter ,,xxix4 ,of ,visions4 ,the ,graces ,our ,lord ,bestowed on the ,saint4 ,the ,answers ,our ,lord ,gave ,her for ,those ,who ,tried ,her4 #a4 ,i have wandered far from the subject2 for ,i undertook to give reasons why the vision was no work of the imagination4 ,for how can we1 by any efforts of ours1 picture to ourselves the ,humanity of ,christ1 and imagine ,his great beauty8 ,no little time is necessary1 if our conception is in any way to resemble it4 ,certainly1 the imagination may be able to picture it1 and a person may for a time contemplate that picture1--the form and the brightness of it1--and gradually make it more perfect1 and so lay up that image in his memory4 ,who can hinder this1 seeing that it could be fashioned by the understanding8 ,but as to the vision of which ,i am speaking1 there are no means of bringing it about2 only we must behold it when our ,lord is pleased to present it before us1 as ,he wills and what ,he wills2 and there is no possibility of taking anything away from it1 or of adding anything to it2 nor is there any way of effecting it1 whatever we may do1 nor of seeing it when we like1 nor of abstaining from seeing2 if we try to gaze upon it--part of the vision in particular--the vision of ,christ is lost at once4 #b4 ,for two years and a half ,god granted me this grace very frequently2 but it is now more than three years since ,he has taken away from me its continual presence1 through another of a higher nature1 as ,i shall perhaps explain hereafter4 #a ,and though ,i saw ,him speaking to me1 and though ,i was contemplating ,his great beauty1 and the sweetness with which those words of ,his came forth from ,his divine mouth1--they were sometimes uttered with severity1--and though ,i was extremely desirous to behold the colour of ,his eyes1 or the form of them1 so that ,i might be able to describe them1 yet ,i never attained to the sight of them1 and ,i could do nothing for that end2 on the contrary1 ,i lost the vision altogether4 ,and though ,i see that ,he looks upon me at times with great tenderness1 yet so strong is ,his gaze1 that my soul cannot endure it2 ,i fall into a trance so deep1 that ,i lose the beautiful vision1 in order to have a greater fruition of it all4 #c4 ,accordingly1 willing or not willing1 the vision has nothing to do with it4 ,our ,lord clearly regards nothing but humility and confusion of face1 the acceptance of what ,he wishes to give1 and the praise of ,himself1 the ,giver4 ,this is true of all visions without exception3 we can contribute nothing towards them--we cannot add to them1 nor can we take from them2 our own efforts can neither make nor unmake them4 ,our ,lord would have us see most clearly that it is no work of ours1 but of ,his ,divine ,majesty2 we are therefore the less able to be proud of it3 on the contrary1 it makes us humble and afraid2 for we see that1 as our ,lord can take from us the power of seeing what we would see1 so also can ,he take from us these mercies and ,his grace1 and we may be lost for ever4 ,we must therefore walk in ,his fear while we are living in this our exile4 #d4 ,our ,lord showed ,himself to me almost always as ,he is after ,his resurrection4 ,it was the same in the ,host2 only at those times when ,i was in trouble1 and when it was ,his will to strengthen me1 did ,he show ,his wounds4 ,sometimes ,i saw ,him on the cross1 in the ,garden1 crowned with thorns1--but that was rarely2 sometimes also carrying ,his cross because of my necessities1--,i may say so1--or those of others2 but always in ,his glorified body4 ,many reproaches and many vexations have ,i borne while telling this--many suspicions and much persecution also4 ,so certain were they to whom ,i spoke that ,i had an evil spirit1 that some would have me exorcised4 ,i did not care much for this2 but ,i felt it bitterly when ,i saw that my confessors were afraid to hear me1 or when ,i knew that they were told of anything about me4 #e4 ,notwithstanding all this1 ,i never could be sorry that ,i had had these heavenly visions2 nor would ,i exchange even one of them for all the wealth and all the pleasures of the world4 ,i always regarded them as a great mercy from our ,lord2 and to me they were the very greatest treasure1--of this our ,lord assured me often4 ,i used to go to ,him to complain of all these hardships2 and ,i came away from prayer consoled1 and with renewed strength4 ,i did not dare to contradict those who were trying me2 for ,i saw that it made matters worse1 because they looked on my doing so as a failure in humility4 ,i spoke of it to my confessor2 he always consoled me greatly when he saw me in distress4 #f4 ,as my visions grew in frequency1 one of those who used to help me before--it was to him ,i confessed when the father-minister #b could not hear me--began to say that ,i was certainly under the influence of ,satan4 ,he bade me1 now that ,i had no power of resisting1 always to make the sign of the cross when ,i had a vision1 to point my finger at it by way of scorn1 #c and be firmly persuaded of its diabolic nature4 ,if ,i did this1 the vision would not recur4 ,i was to be without fear on the point2 ,god would watch over me1 and take the vision away4 #d ,this was a great hardship for me2 for1 as ,i could not believe that the vision did not come from ,god1 it was a fearful thing for me to do2 and ,i could not wish1 as ,i said before1 that the visions should be withheld4 ,however1 ,i did at last as ,i was bidden4 ,i prayed much to our ,lord1 that ,he would deliver me from delusions4 ,i was always praying to that effect1 and with many tears4 ,i had recourse also to ,st4 ,peter and ,st4 ,paul2 for our ,lord had said to me--it was on their feast that ,he had appeared to me the first time #e--that they would preserve me from delusion4 ,i used to see them frequently most distinctly on my left hand2 but that vision was not imaginary4 ,these glorious ,saints were my very good lords4 #g4 ,it was to me a most painful thing to make a show of contempt whenever ,i saw our ,lord in a vision2 for when ,i saw ,him before me1 if ,i were to be cut in pieces1 ,i could not believe it was ,satan4 ,this was to me1 therefore1 a heavy kind of penance2 and accordingly1 that ,i might not be so continually crossing myself1 ,i used to hold a crucifix in my hand4 ,this ,i did almost always2 but ,i did not always make signs of contempt1 because ,i felt that too much4 ,it reminded me of the insults which the ,jews heaped upon ,him2 and so ,i prayed ,him to forgive me1 seeing that ,i did so in obedience to him who stood in ,his stead1 and not to lay the blame on me1 seeing that he was one of those whom ,he had placed as ,his ministers in ,his ,church4 ,he said to me that ,i was not to distress myself--that ,i did well to obey2 but ,he would make them see the truth of the matter4 ,he seemed to me to be angry when they made me give up my prayer4 #f ,he told me to say to them that this was tyranny4 ,he gave me reasons for believing that the vision was not satanic2 some of them ,i mean to repeat by and by4 #h4 ,on one occasion1when ,i was holding in my hand the cross of my rosary1 ,he took it from me into ,his own hand4 ,he returned it2 but it was then four large stones incomparably more precious than diamonds2 for nothing can be compared with what is supernatural4 ,diamonds seem counterfeits and imperfect when compared with these precious stones4 ,the five wounds were delineated on them with most admirable art4 ,he said to me1 that for the future that cross would appear so to me always2 and so it did4 ,i never saw the wood of which it was made1 but only the precious stones4 ,they were seen1 however1 by no one else1--only by myself4 #g #i4 ,when they had begun to insist on my putting my visions to a test like this1 and resisting them1 the graces ,i received were multiplied more and more4 ,i tried to distract myself2 ,i never ceased to be in prayer3 even during sleep my prayer seemed to be continual2 for now my love grew1 ,i made piteous complaints to our ,lord1 and told ,him ,i could not bear it4 ,neither was it in my power--though ,i desired1 and1 more than that1 even strove--to give up thinking of ,him4 ,nevertheless1 ,i obeyed to the utmost of my power2 but my power was little or nothing in the matter2 and our ,lord never released me from that obedience2 but though ,he bade me obey my confessor1 ,he reassured me in another way1 and taught me what ,i was to say4 ,he has continued to do so until now2 and ,he gave me reasons so sufficient1 that ,i felt myself perfectly safe4 #aj4 ,not long afterwards ,his ,majesty began1 according to ,his promise1 to make it clear that it was ,he ,himself who appeared1 by the growth in me of the love of ,god so strong1 that ,i knew not who could have infused it2 for it was most supernatural1 and ,i had not attained to it by any efforts of my own4 ,i saw myself dying with a desire to see ,god1 and ,i knew not how to seek that life otherwise than by dying4 ,certain great impetuosities #h of love1 though not so intolerable as those of which ,i have spoken before1 #i nor yet of so great worth1 overwhelmed me4 ,i knew not what to do2 for nothing gave me pleasure1 and ,i had no control over myself4 ,it seemed as if my soul were really torn away from myself4 ,oh1 supreme artifice of our ,lord6 how tenderly didst ,thou deal with ,thy miserable slave6 ,thou didst hide ,thyself from me1 and didst yet constrain me with ,thy love1 with a death so sweet1 that my soul would never wish it over4 #aa4 ,it is not possible for any one to understand these impetuosities if he has not experienced them himself4 ,they are not an upheaving of the breast1 nor those devotional sensations1 not uncommon1 which seem on the point of causing suffocation1 and are beyond control4 ,that prayer is of a much lower order2 and those agitations should be avoided by gently endeavouring to be recollected2 and the soul should be kept in quiet4 ,this prayer is like the sobbing of little children1 who seem on the point of choking1 and whose disordered senses are soothed by giving them to drink4 ,so here reason should draw in the reins1 because nature itself may be contributing to it and we should consider with fear that all this may not be perfect1 and that much sensuality may be involved in it4 ,the infant soul should be soothed by the caresses of love1 which shall draw forth its love in a gentle way1 and not1 as they say1 by force of blows4 ,this love should be inwardly under control1 and not as a caldron1 fiercely boiling because too much fuel has been applied to it1 and out of which everything is lost4 ,the source of the fire must be kept under control1 and the flame must be quenched in sweet tears1 and not with those painful tears which come out of these emotions1 and which do so much harm4 #ab4 ,in the beginning1 ,i had tears of this kind4 ,they left me with a disordered head and a wearied spirit1 and for a day or two afterwards unable to resume my prayer4 ,great discretion1 therefore1 is necessary at first1 in order that everything may proceed gently1 and that the operations of the spirit may be within2 all outward manifestations should be carefully avoided4 #ac4 ,these other impetuosities are very different4 ,it is not we who apply the fuel2 the fire is already kindled1 and we are thrown into it in a moment to be consumed4 ,it is by no efforts of the soul that it sorrows over the wound which the absence of our ,lord has inflicted on it2 it is far otherwise2 for an arrow is driven into the entrails to the very quick1 #aj and into the heart at times1 so that the soul knows not what is the matter with it1 nor what it wishes for4 ,it understands clearly enough that it wishes for ,god1 and that the arrow seems tempered with some herb which makes the soul hate itself for the love of our ,lord1 and willingly lose its life for ,him4 ,it is impossible to describe or explain the way in which ,god wounds the soul1 nor the very grievous pain inflicted1 which deprives it of all self-consciousness2 yet this pain is so sweet1 that there is no joy in the world which gives greater delight4 ,as ,i have just said1 #aa the soul would wish to be always dying of this wound4 #ad4 ,this pain and bliss together carried me out of myself1 and ,i never could understand how it was4 ,oh1 what a sight a wounded soul is6--a soul1 ,i mean1 so conscious of it1 as to be able to say of itself that it is wounded for so good a cause2 and seeing distinctly that it never did anything whereby this love should come to it1 and that it does come from that exceeding love which our ,lord bears it4 ,a spark seems to have fallen suddenly upon it1 that has set it all on fire4 ,oh1 how often do ,i remember1 when in this state1 those words of ,david3 ,quemadmodum desiderat cervus ad fontes aquarum6 #ab ,they seem to me to be literally true of myself4 #ae4 ,when these impetuosities are not very violent they seem to admit of a little mitigation--at least1 the soul seeks some relief1 because it knows not what to do--through certain penances2 the painfulness of which1 and even the shedding of its blood1 are no more felt than if the body were dead4 ,the soul seeks for ways and means to do something that may be felt1 for the love of ,god2 but the first pain is so great1 that no bodily torture ,i know of can take it away4 ,as relief is not to be had here1 these medicines are too mean for so high a disease4 ,some slight mitigation may be had1 and the pain may pass away a little1 by praying ,god to relieve its sufferings3 but the soul sees no relief except in death1 by which it thinks to attain completely to the fruition of its good4 ,at other times1 these impetuosities are so violent1 that the soul can do neither this nor anything else2 the whole body is contracted1 and neither hand nor foot can be moved3 if the body be upright at the time1 it falls down1 as a thing that has no control over itself4 ,it cannot even breathe2 all it does is to moan--not loudly1 because it cannot3 its moaning1 however1 comes from a keen sense of pain4 #af4 ,our ,lord was pleased that ,i should have at times a vision of this kind3 ,i saw an angel close by me1 on my left side1 in bodily form4 ,this ,i am not accustomed to see1 unless very rarely4 ,though ,i have visions of angels frequently1 yet ,i see them only by an intellectual vision1 such as ,i have spoken of before4 #ac ,it was our ,lord's will that in this vision ,i should see the angel in this wise4 ,he was not large1 but small of stature1 and most beautiful--his face burning1 as if he were one of the highest angels1 who seem to be all of fire3 they must be those whom we call cherubim4 #ad ,their names they never tell me2 but ,i see very well that there is in heaven so great a difference between one angel and another1 and between these and the others1 that ,i cannot explain it4 #ag4 ,i saw in his hand a long spear of gold1 and at the iron's point there seemed to be a little fire4 ,he appeared to me to be thrusting it at times into my heart1 #ae and to pierce my very entrails2 when he drew it out1 he seemed to draw them out also1 and to leave me all on fire with a great love of ,god4 ,the pain was so great1 that it made me moan2 and yet so surpassing was the sweetness of this excessive pain1 that ,i could not wish to be rid of it4 ,the soul is satisfied now with nothing less than ,god4 ,the pain is not bodily1 but spiritual2 though the body has its share in it1 even a large one4 ,it is a caressing of love so sweet which now takes place between the soul and ,god1 that ,i pray ,god of ,his goodness to make him experience it who may think that ,i am lying4 #af #ah4 ,during the days that this lasted1 ,i went about as if beside myself4 ,i wished to see1 or speak with1 no one1 but only to cherish my pain1 which was to me a greater bliss than all created things could give me4 #ag #ai4 ,i was in this state from time to time1 whenever it was our ,lord's pleasure to throw me into those deep trances1 which ,i could not prevent even when ,i was in the company of others1 and which1 to my deep vexation1 came to be publicly known4 ,since then1 ,i do not feel that pain so much1 but only that which ,i spoke of before1--,i do not remember the chapter1 #ah--which is in many ways very different from it1 and of greater worth4 ,on the other hand1 when this pain1 of which ,i am now speaking1 begins1 our ,lord seems to lay hold of the soul1 and to throw it into a trance1 so that there is no time for me to have any sense of pain or suffering1 because fruition ensues at once4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever1 who hath bestowed such great graces on one who has responded so ill to blessings so great6 #a4 ,ch4 xl4 #b4 ,baltasar ,alvarez was father-minister of the house of ,st4 ,giles1 ,avila1 in whose absence she had recourse to another father of that house 7,ribera1 i4 ch4 #f74 #c4 ,y diese higas4 ,higa es una manera de menosprecio que hacemos cerrando el puo1 y mostrando el dedo pulgar por entre el dedo indice1 y el medio 7,cobarruvias1 in voce74 #d4 ,see ,book of the ,foundations1 ch4 viii4 #c1 where the ,saint refers to this advice1 and to the better advice given her later by ,f4 ,dominic ,baes1 one of her confessors4 ,see also ,inner ,fortress1 vi4 #i1 #g4 #e4 ,see ch4 xxvii4 #c1 and ch4 xxviii4 #d4 #f4 ,ch4 xxv4 #ah4 #g4 ,the cross was made of ebony 7,ribera74 ,it is not known where that cross is now4 ,the ,saint gave it to her sister1 ,doa ,juana de ,ahumada1 who begged it of her4 ,some say that the ,carmelites of ,madrid possess it2 and others1 those of ,valladolid 7,de la ,fuente74 #h4 ,see ,relation1 i4 #c4 #i4 ,ch4 xx4 #aa4 #aj4 ,inner ,fortress1 vi4 #aa1 #b2 ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,spiritual ,canticle1 st4 #a1 p4 #bb1 ,engl4 trans4 #aa4 #aj4 #ab4 ,psalm xli4 #b3 ,as the longing of the hart for the fountains of waters1 so is the longing of my soul for ,thee1 ,o my ,god4 #ac4 ,ch4 xxvii4 #c4 #ad4 ,in the ,,ms4 of the ,saint preserved in the ,escurial1 the word is cherubines2 but all the editors before ,don ,vicente de la ,fuente have adopted the suggestion1 in the margin1 of ,baes1 who preferred seraphim4 ,f4 ,bouix1 in his translation1 corrected the mistake2 but1 with his usual modesty1 did not call the reader's attention to it4 #ae4 ,see ,relation1 viii4 #af4 #af4 ,the most probable opinion is1 that the piercing of the heart of the ,saint took place in #aeei4 ,the hymn which she composed on that occasion was discovered in ,seville in #agjj 7,en las internas entraas74 ,on the high altar of the ,carmelite church in ,alba de ,tormes1 the heart of the ,saint thus pierced is to be seen2 and ,i have seen it myself more than once 7,de la ,fuente74 #ag4 ,brev4 ,rom4 in fest4 ,s4 ,teresi1 ,oct4 #ae1 ,lect4 v43 ,tanto autem divini amoris incendio cor ejus conflagravit1 ut merito viderit ,angelum ignito jaculo sibi prcordia transverberantem4 ,the ,carmelites keep the feast of this piercing of the ,saint's heart on the #bgth of ,august4 #ah4 ,ch4 xx4 #aa4 ,chapter ,,xxx4 ,st4 ,peter of ,alcantara ,comforts the ,saint4 ,great ,temptations and ,interior ,trials4 #a4 ,when ,i saw that ,i was able to do little or nothing towards avoiding these great impetuosities1 ,i began also to be afraid of them1 because ,i could not understand how this pain and joy could subsist together4 ,i knew it was possible enough for bodily pain and spiritual joy to dwell together2 but the coexistence of a spiritual pain so excessive as this1 and of joy so deep1 troubled my understanding4 ,still1 ,i tried to continue my resistance2 but ,i was so little able1 that ,i was now and then wearied4 ,i used to take up the cross for protection1 and try to defend myself against ,him who1 by the cross1 is the ,protector of us all4 ,i saw that no one understood me4 ,i saw it very clearly myself1 but ,i did not dare to say so to any one except my confessor2 for that would have been a real admission that ,i had no humility4 #b4 ,our ,lord was pleased to succour me in a great measure1--and1 for the moment1 altogether1--by bringing to the place where ,i was that blessed friar1 ,peter of ,alcantara4 ,of him ,i spoke before1 and said something of his penance4 #a ,among other things1 ,i have been assured that he wore continually1 for twenty years1 a girdle made of iron4 #b ,he is the author of certain little books1 in ,spanish1 on prayer1 which are now in common use2 for1 as he was much exercised therein1 his writings are very profitable to those who are given to prayer4 ,he kept the first rule of the blessed ,st4 ,francis in all its rigour1 and did those things besides of which ,i spoke before4 #c4 ,when that widow1 the servant of ,god and my friend1 of whom ,i have already spoken1 #c knew that so great a man had come1 she took her measures4 ,she knew the straits ,i was in1 for she was an eye-witness of my afflictions1 and was a great comfort to me4 ,her faith was so strong1 that she could not help believing that what others said was the work of the devil was really the work of the ,spirit of ,god2 and as she is a person of great sense and great caution1 and one to whom our ,lord is very bountiful in prayer1 it pleased ,his ,majesty to let her see what learned men failed to discern4 ,my confessors gave me leave to accept relief in some things from her1 because in many ways she was able to afford it4 ,some of those graces which our ,lord bestowed on me fell to her lot occasionally1 together with instructions most profitable for her soul4 ,so1 then1 when she knew that the blessed man was come1 without saying a word to me1 she obtained leave from the ,provincial for me to stay eight days in her house1 in order that ,i might the more easily confer with him4 ,in that house1 and in one church or another1 ,i had many conversations with him the first time he came here2 for1 afterwards1 ,i had many communications with him at diverse times4 #d4 ,i gave him an account1 as briefly as ,i could1 of my life1 and of my way of prayer1 with the utmost clearness in my power4 ,i have always held to this1 to be perfectly frank and exact with those to whom ,i make known the state of my soul4 #d ,even my first impulses ,i wish them to know2 and as for doubtful and suspicious matters1 ,i used to make the most of them by arguing against myself4 ,thus1 then1 without equivocation or concealment1 ,i laid before him the state of my soul4 ,i saw almost at once that he understood me1 by reason of his own experience4 ,that was all ,i required2 for at that time ,i did not know myself as ,i do now1so as to give an account of my state4 ,it was at a later time that ,god enabled me to understand myself1 and describe the graces which ,his ,majesty bestows upon me4 ,it was necessary1 then1 that he who would clearly understand and explain my state should have had experience of it himself4 #e4 ,the light he threw on the matter was of the clearest2 for as to these visions1 at least1 which were not imaginary1 ,i could not understand how they could be4 ,and it seemed that ,i could not understand1 too1 how those could be which ,i saw with the eyes of the soul2 for1 as ,i said before1 #e those visions only seemed to me to be of consequence which were seen with the bodily eyes3 and of these ,i had none4 ,the holy man enlightened me on the whole question1 explained it to me1 and bade me not to be distressed1 but to praise ,god1 and to abide in the full conviction that this was the work of the ,spirit of ,god2 for1 saving the faith1 nothing could be more true1 and there was nothing on which ,i could more firmly rely4 ,he was greatly comforted in me1 was most kind and serviceable1 and ever afterwards took great care of me1 and told me of his own affairs and labours2 and when he saw that ,i had those very desires which in himself were fulfilled already1--for our ,lord had given me very strong desires1--and also how great my resolution was1 he delighted in conversing with me4 #f4 ,to a person whom our ,lord has raised to this state1 there is no pleasure or comfort equal to that of meeting with another whom our ,lord has begun to raise in the same way4 ,at that time1 however1 it must have been only a beginning with me1 as ,i believe2 and ,god grant ,i may not have gone back now4 ,he was extremely sorry for me4 ,he told me that one of the greatest trials in this world was that which ,i had borne1--namely1 the contradiction of good people1 #f--;and that more was in reserve for me3 ,i had need1 therefore1 of some one--and there was no one in this city--who understood me2 but he would speak to my confessor1 and to that married nobleman1 already spoken of1 #g who was one of those who tormented me most1 and who1 because of his great affection for me1 was the cause of all these attacks4 ,he was a holy but timid man1 and could not feel safe about me1 because he had seen how wicked ,i was1 and that not long before4 ,the holy man did so2 he spoke to them both1 explained the matter1 and gave them reasons why they should reassure themselves1 and disturb me no more4 ,my confessor was easily satisfied1--not so the nobleman2 for though they were not enough to keep him quiet1 yet they kept him in some measure from frightening me so much as he used to do4 #g4 ,we made an agreement that ,i should write to him and tell him how it fared with me1 for the future1 and that we should pray much for each other4 ,such was his humility1 that he held to the prayers of a wretch like me4 ,it made me very much ashamed of myself4 ,he left me in the greatest consolation and joy1 bidding me continue my prayer with confidence1 and without any doubt that it was the work of ,god4 ,if ,i should have any doubts1 for my greater security1 ,i was to make them known to my confessor1 and1 having done so1 be in peace4 ,nevertheless1 ,i was not able at all to feel that confidence1 for our ,lord was leading me by the way of fear2 and so1 when they told me that the devil had power over me1 ,i believed them4 ,thus1 then1 not one of them was able to inspire me with confidence on the one hand1 or fear on the other1 in such a way as to make me believe either of them1 otherwise than as our ,lord allowed me4 ,accordingly1 though the holy friar consoled and calmed me1 ,i did not rely so much on him as to be altogether without fear1 particularly when our ,lord forsook me in the afflictions of my soul1 of which ,i will now speak4 ,nevertheless1 as ,i have said1 ,i was very much consoled4 #h4 ,i could not give thanks enough to ,god1 and to my glorious father ,st4 ,joseph1 who seemed to me to have brought him here4 ,he was the commissary-general of the custody #h of ,st4 ,joseph1 to whom1 and to our ,lady1 ,i used to pray much4 #i4 ,i suffered at times--and even still1 though not so often--the most grievous trials1 together with bodily pains and afflictions arising from violent sicknesses2 so much so1 that ,i could scarcely control myself4 ,at other times1 my bodily sickness was more grievous2 and as ,i had no spiritual pain1 ,i bore it with great joy3 but1 when both pains came upon me together1 my distress was so heavy1 that ,i was reduced to sore straits4 #aj4 ,i forgot all the mercies our ,lord had shown me1 and remembered them only as a dream1 to my great distress2 for my understanding was so dull1 that ,i had a thousand doubts and suspicions whether ,i had ever understood matters aright1 thinking that perhaps all was fancy1 and that it was enough for me to have deceived myself1 without also deceiving good men4 ,i looked upon myself as so wicked as to have been the cause1 by my sins1 of all the evils and all the heresies that had sprung up4 ,this is but a false humility1 and ,satan invented it for the purpose of disquieting me1 and trying whether he could thereby drive my soul to despair4 ,i have now had so much experience1 that ,i know this was his work2 so he1 seeing that ,i understand him1 does not torment me in the same way as much as he used to do4 ,that it is his work is clear from the restlessness and discomfort with which it begins1 and the trouble it causes in the soul while it lasts2 from the obscurity and distress1 the aridity and indisposition for prayer and for every good work1 which it produces4 ,it seems to stifle the soul and trammel the body1 so as to make them good for nothing4 #aa4 ,now1 though the soul acknowledges itself to be miserable1 and though it is painful to us to see ourselves as we are1 and though we have most deep convictions of our own wickedness1--deep as those spoken of just now1 #i and really felt1--yet true humility is not attended with trouble2 it does not disturb the soul2 it causes neither obscurity nor aridity3 on the contrary1 it consoles4 ,it is altogether different1 bringing with it calm1 sweetness1 and light4 ,it is no doubt painful2 but1 on the other hand1 it is consoling1 because we see how great is the mercy of our ,lord in allowing the soul to have that pain1 and how well the soul is occupied4 ,on the one hand1 the soul grieves over its offences against ,god2 on the other1 ,his compassion makes it glad4 ,it has light1 which makes it ashamed of itself2 and it gives thanks to ,his ,majesty1 who has borne with it so long4 ,that other humility1 which is the work of ,satan1 furnishes no light for any good work2 it pictures ,god as bringing upon everything fire and sword2 it dwells upon ,his justice2 and the soul's faith in the mercy of ,god--for the power of the devil does not reach so far as to destroy faith--is of such a nature as to give me no consolation3 on the contrary1 the consideration of mercies so great helps to increase the pain1 because ,i look upon myself as bound to render greater service4 #ab4 ,this invention of ,satan is one of the most painful1 subtle1 and crafty that ,i have known him to possess2 ,i should therefore like to warn you1 my father1 of it1 in order that1 if ,satan should tempt you herein1 you may have some light1 and be aware of his devices1 if your understanding should be left at liberty3 because you must not suppose that learning and knowledge are of any use here2 for though ,i have none of them myself1 yet now that ,i have escaped out of his hands ,i see clearly that this is folly4 ,what ,i understood by it is this3 that it is our ,lord's pleasure to give him leave and license1 as ,he gave him of old to tempt ,job2 #aj though in my case1 because of my wretchedness1 the temptation is not so sharp4 #ac4 ,it happened to me to be tempted once in this way2 and ,i remember it was on the day before the vigil of ,corpus ,christi1--a feast to which ,i have great devotion1 though not so great as ,i ought to have4 ,the trial then lasted only till the day of the feast itself4 ,but1 on other occasions1 it continued one1 two1 and even three weeks and--,i know not--perhaps longer4 ,but ,i was specially liable to it during the ,holy ,weeks1 when it was my habit to make prayer my joy4 ,then the devil seizes on my understanding in a moment2 and occasionally1 by means of things so trivial that ,i should laugh at them at any other time1 he makes it stumble over anything he likes4 ,the soul1 laid in fetters1 loses all control over itself1 and all power of thinking of anything but the absurdities he puts before it1 which1 being more or less unsubstantial1 inconsistent1 and disconnected1 serve only to stifle the soul1 so that it has no power over itself2 and accordingly--so it seems to me--the devils make a football of it1 and the soul is unable to escape out of their hands4 ,it is impossible to describe the sufferings of the soul in this state4 ,it goes about in quest of relief1 and ,god suffers it to find none4 ,the light of reason1 in the freedom of its will1 remains1 but it is not clear2 it seems to me as if its eyes were covered with a veil4 ,as a person who1 having travelled often by a particular road1 knows1 though it be night and dark1 by his past experience of it1 where he may stumble1 and where he ought to be on his guard against that risk1 because he has seen the place by day1 so the soul avoids offending ,god3 it seems to go on by habit--that is1 if we put out of sight the fact that our ,lord holds it by the hand1 which is the true explanation of the matter4 #ad4 ,faith is then as dead1 and asleep1 like all the other virtues2 not lost1 however1--for the soul truly believes all that the church holds2 but its profession of the faith is hardly more than an outward profession of the mouth4 ,and1 on the other hand1 temptations seem to press it down1 and make it dull1 so that its knowledge of ,god becomes to it as that of something which it hears of far away4 ,so tepid is its love that1 when it hears ,god spoken of1 it listens and believes that ,he is what ,he is1 because the ,church so teaches2 but it recollects nothing of its own former experience4 ,vocal prayer or solitude is only a greater affliction1 because the interior suffering--whence it comes1 it knows not--is unendurable1 and1 as it seems to me1 in some measure a counterpart of hell4 ,so it is1 as our ,lord showed me in a vision2 #aa for the soul itself is then burning in the fire1 knowing not who has kindled it1 nor whence it comes1 nor how to escape it1 nor how to put it out3 if it seeks relief from the fire by spiritual reading1 it cannot find any1 just as if it could not read at all4 ,on one occasion1 it occurred to me to read a life of a ,saint1 that ,i might forget myself1 and be refreshed with the recital of what he had suffered4 ,four or five times1 ,i read as many lines2 and1 though they were written in ,spanish1 ,i understood them less at the end than ,i did when ,i began3 so ,i gave it up4 ,it so happened to me on more occasions than one1 but ,i have a more distinct recollection of this4 #ae4 ,to converse with any one is worse1 for the devil then sends so offensive a spirit of bad temper1 that ,i think ,i could eat people up2 nor can ,i help myself4 ,i feel that ,i do something when ,i keep myself under control2 or rather our ,lord does so1 when ,he holds back with ,his hand any one in this state from saying or doing something that may be hurtful to his neighbours and offensive to ,god4 ,then1 as to going to our confessor1 that is of no use2 for the certain result is--and very often has it happened to me--what ,i shall now describe4 ,though my confessors1 with whom ,i had to do then1 and have to do still1 are so holy1 they spoke to me and reproved me with such harshness1 that they were astonished at it afterwards when ,i told them of it4 ,they said that they could not help themselves2 for1 though they had resolved not to use such language1 and though they pitied me also very much1--yea1 even had scruples on the subject1 because of my grievous trials of soul and body1--and were1 moreover1 determined to console me1 they could not refrain4 ,they did not use unbecoming words--,i mean1 words offensive to ,god2 yet their words were the most offensive that could be borne with in confession4 ,they must have aimed at mortifying me4 ,at other times1 ,i used to delight in this1 and was prepared to bear it2 but it was then a torment altogether4 ,i used to think1 too1 that ,i deceived them2 so ,i went to them1 and cautioned them very earnestly to be on their guard against me1 for it might be that ,i deceived them4 ,i saw well enough that ,i would not do so advisedly1 nor tell them an untruth2 #ab but everything made me afraid4 ,one of them1 on one occasion1 when he had heard me speak of this temptation1 told me not to distress myself2 for1 even if ,i wished to deceive him1 he had sense enough not to be deceived4 ,this gave me great comfort4 #af4 ,sometimes1 almost always1--at least1 very frequently1--,i used to find rest after ,communion2 now and then1 even1 as ,i drew near to the most ,holy ,sacrament1 all at once my soul and body would be so well1 that ,i was amazed4 #ac ,it seemed to be nothing else but an instantaneous dispersion of the darkness that covered my soul3 when the sun rose1 ,i saw how silly ,i had been4 #ag4 ,on other occasions1 if our ,lord spoke to me but one word1 saying only1 ,be not distressed1 have no fear1--as ,i said before1 #ad--;,i was made whole at once2 or1 if ,i saw a vision1 ,i was as if ,i had never been amiss4 ,i rejoiced in ,god1 and made my complaint to ,him1 because ,he permitted me to undergo such afflictions2 yet the recompense was great2 for almost always1 afterwards1 ,his mercies descended upon me in great abundance4 ,the soul seemed to come forth as gold out of the crucible1 most refined1 and made glorious to behold1 our ,lord dwelling within it4 ,these trials afterwards are light1 though they once seemed to be unendurable2 and the soul longs to undergo them again1 if that be more pleasing to our ,lord4 ,and though trials and persecutions increase1 yet1 if we bear them without offending our ,lord1 rejoicing in suffering for ,his sake1 it will be all the greater gain3 ,i1 however1 do not bear them as they ought to be borne1 but rather in a most imperfect way4 ,at other times1 my trials came upon me--they come still--in another form2 and then it seems to me as if the very possibility of thinking a good thought1 or desiring the accomplishment of it1 were utterly taken from me3 both soul and body are altogether useless and a heavy burden4 ,however1 when ,i am in this state1 ,i do not suffer from the other temptations and disquietudes1 but only from a certain loathing of ,i know not what1 and my soul finds pleasure in nothing4 #ah4 ,i used to try exterior good works1 in order to occupy myself partly by violence2 and ,i know well how weak a soul is when grace is hiding itself4 ,it did not distress me much1 because the sight of my own meanness gave me some satisfaction4 ,on other occasions1 ,i find myself unable to pray or to fix my thoughts with any distinctness upon ,god1 or anything that is good1 though ,i may be alone2 but ,i have a sense that ,i know ,him4 ,it is the understanding and the imagination1 ,i believe1 which hurt me here2 for it seems to me that ,i have a good will1 disposed for all good2 but the understanding is so lost1 that it seems to be nothing else but a raving lunatic1 which nobody can restrain1 and of which ,i am not mistress enough to keep it quiet for a minute4 #ae #ai4 ,sometimes ,i laugh at myself1 and recognise my wretchedness3 ,i watch my understanding1 and leave it alone to see what it will do4 ,glory be to ,god1 for a wonder1 it never runs on what is wrong1 but only on indifferent things1 considering what is going on here1 or there1 or elsewhere4 ,i see then1 more and more1 the exceeding great mercy of our ,lord to me1 when ,he keeps this lunatic bound in the chains of perfect contemplation4 ,i wonder what would happen if those people who think ,i am good knew of my extravagance4 ,i am very sorry when ,i see my soul in such bad company2 ,i long to see it delivered therefrom1 and so ,i say to our ,lord3 ,when1 ,o my ,god1 shall ,i see my whole soul praising ,thee1 that it may have the fruition of ,thee in all its faculties8 ,let me be no longer1 ,o ,lord1 thus torn to pieces1 and every one of them1 as it were1 running in a different direction4 ,this has been often the case with me1 but ,i think that my scanty bodily health was now and then enough to bring it about4 #bj4 ,i dwell much on the harm which original sin has done us2 that is1 ,i believe1 what has rendered us incapable of the fruition of so great a good4 ,my sins1 too1 must be in fault2 for1 if ,i had not committed so many1 ,i should have been more perfect in goodness4 ,another great affliction which ,i suffered was this3 all the books which ,i read on the subject of prayer1 ,i thought ,i understood thoroughly1 and that ,i required them no longer1 because our ,lord had given me the gift of prayer4 ,i therefore ceased to read those books1 and applied myself to lives of ,saints1 thinking that this would improve me and give me courage2 for ,i found myself very defective in every kind of service which the ,saints rendered unto ,god4 ,then it struck me that ,i had very little humility1 when ,i could think that ,i had attained to this degree of prayer2 and so1 when ,i could not come to any other conclusion1 ,i was greatly distressed1 until certain learned persons1 and the blessed friar1 ,peter of ,alcantara1 told me not to trouble myself about the matter4 #ba4 ,i see clearly enough that ,i have not yet begun to serve ,god1 though ,he showers down upon me those very graces which ,he gives to many good people4 ,i am a mass of imperfection1 except in desire and in love2 for herein ,i see well that our ,lord has been gracious to me1 in order that ,i may please ,him in some measure4 ,i really think that ,i love ,him2 but my conduct1 and the many imperfections ,i discern in myself1 make me sad4 #bb4 ,my soul1 also1 is subject occasionally to a certain foolishness1--that is the right name to give it1--when ,i seem to be doing neither good nor evil1 but following in the wake of others1 as they say1 without pain or pleasure1 indifferent to life and death1 pleasure and pain4 ,i seem to have no feeling4 ,the soul seems to me like a little ass1 which feeds and thrives1 because it accepts the food which is given it1 and eats it without reflection4 ,the soul in this state must be feeding on some great mercies of ,god1 seeing that its miserable life is no burden to it1 and that it bears it patiently but it is conscious of no sensible movements or results1 whereby it may ascertain the state it is in4 #bc4 ,it seems to me now like sailing with a very gentle wind1 when one makes much way without knowing how2 for in the other states1 so great are the effects1 that the soul sees almost at once an improvement in itself1 because the desires instantly are on fire1 and the soul is never satisfied4 ,this comes from those great impetuosities of love1 spoken of before1 #af in those to whom ,god grants them4 ,it is like those little wells ,i have seen flowing1 wherein the upheaving of the sand never ceases4 ,this illustration and comparison seem to me to be a true description of those souls who attain to this state2 their love is ever active1 thinking what it may do2 it cannot contain itself1 as the water remains not in the earth1 but is continually welling upwards4 ,so is the soul1 in general2 it is not at rest1 nor can it contain itself1 because of the love it has3 it is so saturated therewith1 that it would have others drink of it1 because there is more than enough for itself1 in order that they might help it to praise ,god4 #bd4 ,i call to remembrance--oh1 how often6--that living water of which our ,lord spoke to the ,samaritan woman4 ,that ,gospel #ag has a great attraction for me2 and1 indeed1 so it had even when ,i was a little child1 though ,i did not understand it then as ,i do now4 ,i used to pray much to our ,lord for that living water2 and ,i had always a picture of it1 representing our ,lord at the well1 with this inscription1 ,domine1 da mihi aquam4 #ah #be4 ,this love is also like a great fire1 which requires fuel continually1 in order that it may not burn out4 ,so those souls ,i am speaking of1 however much it may cost them1 will always bring fuel1 in order that the fire may not be quenched4 ,as for me1 ,i should be glad1 considering what ,i am1 if ,i had but straw even to throw upon it4 ,and so it is with me occasionally--and1 indeed1 very often4 ,at one time1 ,i laugh at myself2 and at another1 ,i am very much distressed4 ,the inward stirring of my love urges me to do something for the service of ,god2 and ,i am not able to do more than adorn images with boughs and flowers1 clean or arrange an oratory1 or some such trifling acts1 so that ,i am ashamed of myself4 ,if ,i undertook any penitential practice1 the whole was so slight1 and was done in such a way1 that if our ,lord did not accept my good will1 ,i saw it was all worthless1 and so ,i laughed at myself4 ,the failure of bodily strength1 sufficient to do something for ,god1 is no light affliction for those souls to whom ,he1 in ,his goodness1 has communicated this fire of ,his love in its fulness4 ,it is a very good penance2 for when souls are not strong enough to heap fuel on this fire1 and die of fear that the fire may go out1 it seems to me that they become fuel themselves1 are reduced to ashes1 or dissolved in tears1 and burn away3 and this is suffering enough1 though it be sweet4 #bf4 ,let him1 then1 praise our ,lord exceedingly1 who has attained to this state2 who has received the bodily strength requisite for penance2 who has learning1 ability1 and power to preach1 to hear confessions1 and to draw souls unto ,god4 ,such a one neither knows nor comprehends the blessing he possesses1 unless he knows by experience what it is to be powerless to serve ,god in anything1 and at the same time to be receiving much from ,him4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever1 and may the angels glorify ,him6 ,amen4 #bg4 ,i know not if ,i do well to write so much in detail4 ,but as you1 my father1 bade me again not to be troubled by the minuteness of my account1 nor to omit anything1 ,i go on recounting clearly and truly all ,i can call to mind4 ,but ,i must omit much2 for if ,i did not1 ,i should have to spend more time--and1 as ,i said before1 #ai ,i have so little to spend1 and perhaps1 after all1 nothing will be gained4 #a4 ,ch4 xxvii4 #ag1 #ah1 #ai4 #b4 ,hoja de lata1 cierta hoja de hierro muy delgada 7,cobarruvias1 ,tesoro1 in voce74 #c4 ,ch4 xxiv4 #e4 ,doa ,guiomar de ,ulloa4 #d4 ,ch4 xxvi4 #e4 #e4 ,ch4 vii4 #ab4 #f4 ,see ch4 xxviii4 #bd4 #g4 ,ch4 xxiii4 #g4 #h4 ,a custody is a division of the province1 in the ,order of ,st4 ,francis1 comprising a certain number of convents4 #i4 #aj4 #aj4 ,job i4 #aa4 ,see ch4 xxxii4 #a1 c4 #ab4 ,see ch4 xxviii4 #f4 #ac4 ,see ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 lxi4 #b2 but ch4 xxxiv4 #h of the earlier editions4 #ad4 ,ch4 xx4 #ba1 ch4 xxv4 #bb1 ch4 xxvi4 #c4 #ae4 ,un ,credo4 #af4 ,ch4 xxix4 #aa4 #ag4 ,st4 ,john iv4 #e-db3 the ,gospel of ,friday after the ,third ,sunday in ,lent1 where the words are1 hanc aquam4 #ah4 ,lord1 give me this water 7,st4 ,john iv4 #ae74 ,see ch4 i4 #f2 and ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 xxix4 #e2 ch4 xix4 #e of the earlier editions4 #ai4 ,ch4 xiv4 #ab4 ,chapter ,,xxxi4 ,of ,certain ,outward ,temptations and ,appearances of ,satan4 ,of the ,sufferings ,thereby ,occasioned4 ,counsels for ,those ,who ,go on ,unto ,perfection4 #a4 ,now that ,i have described certain temptations and troubles1 interior and secret1 of which ,satan was the cause1 ,i will speak of others which he wrought almost in public1 and in which his presence could not be ignored4 #a #b4 ,i was once in an oratory1 when ,satan1 in an abominable shape1 appeared on my left hand4 ,i looked at his mouth in particular1 because he spoke1 and it was horrible4 ,a huge flame seemed to issue out of his body1 perfectly bright1 without any shadow4 ,he spoke in a fearful way1 and said to me that1 though ,i had escaped out of his hands1 he would yet lay hold of me again4 ,i was in great terror1 made the sign of the cross as well as ,i could1 and then the form vanished--but it reappeared instantly4 ,this occurred twice2 ,i did not know what to do2 there was some holy water at hand2 ,i took some1 and threw it in the direction of the figure1 and then ,satan never returned4 #c4 ,on another occasion1 ,i was tortured for five hours with such terrible pains1 such inward and outward sufferings1 that it seemed to me as if ,i could not bear them4 ,those who were with me were frightened2 they knew not what to do1 and ,i could not help myself4 ,i am in the habit1 when these pains and my bodily suffering are most unendurable1 to make interior acts as well as ,i can1 imploring our ,lord1 if it be ,his will1 to give me patience1 and then to let me suffer on1 even to the end of the world4 ,so1 when ,i found myself suffering so cruelly1 ,i relieved myself by making those acts and resolutions1 in order that ,i might be able to endure the pain4 ,it pleased our ,lord to let me understand that it was the work of ,satan2 for ,i saw close beside me a most frightful little negro1 gnashing his teeth in despair at losing what he attempted to seize4 ,when ,i saw him1 ,i laughed1 and had no fear2 for there were some then present who were helpless1 and knew of no means whereby so great a pain could be relieved4 ,my body1 head1 and arms were violently shaken2 ,i could not help myself3 but the worst of all was the interior pain1 for ,i could find no ease in any way4 ,nor did ,i dare to ask for holy water1 lest those who were with me should be afraid1 and find out what the matter really was4 #d4 ,i know by frequent experience that there is nothing which puts the devils to flight like holy water4 ,they run away before the sign of the cross also1 but they return immediately3 great1 then1 must be the power of holy water4 ,as for me1 my soul is conscious of a special and most distinct consolation whenever ,i take it4 ,indeed1 ,i feel almost always a certain refreshing1 which ,i cannot describe1 together with an inward joy1 which comforts my whole soul4 ,this is no fancy1 nor a thing which has occurred once only2 for it has happened very often1 and ,i have watched it very carefully4 ,i may compare what ,i feel with that which happens to a person in great heat1 and very thirsty1 drinking a cup of cold water--his whole being is refreshed4 ,i consider that everything ordained by the ,church is very important2 and ,i have a joy in reflecting that the words of the ,church are so mighty1 that they endow water with power1 so that there shall be so great a difference between holy water and water that has never been blessed4 ,then1 as my pains did not cease1 ,i told them1 if they would not laugh1 ,i would ask for some holy water4 ,they brought me some1 and sprinkled me with it2 but ,i was no better4 ,i then threw some myself in the direction of the negro1 when he fled in a moment4 ,all my sufferings ceased1 just as if some one had taken them from me with his hand2 only ,i was wearied1 as if ,i had been beaten with many blows4 ,it was of great service to me to learn that if1 by our ,lord's permission1 ,satan can do so much evil to a soul and body not in his power1 he can do much more when he has them in his possession4 ,it gave me a renewed desire to be delivered from a fellowship so dangerous4 #e4 ,another time1 and not long ago1 the same thing happened to me1 though it did not last so long1 and ,i was alone at the moment4 ,i asked for holy water2 and they who came in after the devil had gone away1--they were two nuns1 worthy of all credit1 and would not tell a lie for anything1--perceived a most offensive smell1 like that of brimstone4 ,i smelt nothing myself2 but the odour lasted long enough to become sensible to them4 #f4 ,on another occasion1 ,i was in choir1 when1 in a moment1 ,i became profoundly recollected4 ,i went out in order that the sisters might know nothing of it2 yet those who were near heard the sound of heavy blows where ,i was1 and ,i heard voices myself1 as of persons in consultation1 but ,i did not hear what they said3 ,i was so absorbed in prayer that ,i understood nothing1 neither was ,i at all afraid4 ,this took place almost always when our ,lord was pleased that some soul or other1 persuaded by me1 advanced in the spiritual life4 ,certainly1 what ,i am now about to describe happened to me once2 there are witnesses to testify to it1 particularly my present confessor1 for he saw the account in a letter4 ,i did not tell him from whom the letter came1 but he knew perfectly who the person was4 #g4 ,there came to me a person who1 for two years and a half1 had been living in mortal sin of the most abominable nature ,i ever heard4 ,during the whole of that time1 he neither confessed it nor ceased from it2 and yet he said ,mass4 ,he confessed his other sins but of this one he used to say1 ,how can ,i confess so foul a sin8 ,he wished to give it up1 but he could not prevail on himself to do so4 ,i was very sorry for him1 and it was a great grief to me to see ,god offended in such a way4 ,i promised him that ,i would pray to ,god for his amendment1 and get others who were better than ,i to do the same4 ,i wrote to one person1 and the priest undertook to get the letter delivered4 ,it came to pass that he made a full confession at the first opportunity2 for our ,lord ,god was pleased1 on account of the prayers of those most holy persons to whom ,i had recommended him1 to have pity on this soul4 ,i1 too1 wretched as ,i am1 did all ,i could for the same end4 #h4 ,he wrote to me1 and said that he was so far improved1 that he had not for some days repeated his sin2 but he was so tormented by the temptation1 that it seemed to him as if he were in hell already1 so great were his sufferings4 ,he asked me to pray to ,god for him4 ,i recommended him to my sisters1 through whose prayers ,i must have obtained this mercy from our ,lord2 for they took the matter greatly to heart2 and he was a person whom no one could find out4 ,i implored ,his ,majesty to put an end to these torments and temptations1 and to let the evil spirits torment me instead1 provided ,i did not offend our ,lord4 ,thus it was that for one month ,i was most grievously tormented2 and then it was that these two assaults of ,satan1 of which ,i have just spoken1 took place4 #i4 ,our ,lord was pleased to deliver him out of this temptation1 so ,i was informed2 for ,i told him what happened to myself that month4 ,his soul gained strength1 and he continued free2 he could never give thanks enough to our ,lord and to me as if ,i had been of any service--unless it be that the belief he had that our ,lord granted me such graces was of some advantage to him4 ,he said that1 when he saw himself in great straits1 he would read my letters1 and then the temptation left him4 ,he was very much astonished at my sufferings1 and at the manner of his own deliverance3 even ,i myself am astonished1 and ,i would suffer as much for many years for the deliverance of that soul4 ,may our ,lord be praised for ever6 for the prayers of those who serve ,him can do great things2 and ,i believe the sisters of this house do serve ,him4 ,the devils must have been more angry with me only because ,i asked them to pray1 and because our ,lord permitted it on account of my sins4 ,at that time1 too1 ,i thought the evil spirits would have suffocated me one night1 and when the sisters threw much holy water about ,i saw a great troop of them rush away as if tumbling over a precipice4 ,these cursed spirits have tormented me so often1 and ,i am now so little afraid of them1--because ,i see they cannot stir without our ,lord's permission1--that ,i should weary both you1 my father1 and myself1 if ,i were to speak of these things in detail4 #aj4 ,may this ,i have written be of use to the true servant of ,god1 who ought to despise these terrors1 which ,satan sends only to make him afraid6 ,let him understand that each time we despise those terrors1 their force is lessened1 and the soul gains power over them4 ,there is always some great good obtained2 but ,i will not speak of it1 that ,i may not be too diffuse4 ,i will speak1 however1 of what happened to me once on the night of ,all ,souls4 ,i was in an oratory1 and1 having said one ,nocturn1 was saying some very devotional prayers at the end of our ,breviary1 when ,satan put himself on the book before me1 to prevent my finishing my prayer4 ,i made the sign of the cross1 and he went away4 ,i then returned to my prayer1 and he1 too1 came back2 he did so1 ,i believe1 three times1 and ,i was not able to finish the prayer without throwing holy water at him4 ,i saw certain souls at that moment come forth out of purgatory--they must have been near their deliverance1 and ,i thought that ,satan might in this way have been trying to hinder their release4 ,it is very rarely that ,i saw ,satan assume a bodily form2 ,i know of his presence through the vision ,i have spoken of before1 #b the vision wherein no form is seen4 #aa4 ,i wish also to relate what follows1 for ,i was greatly alarmed at it3 on ,trinity ,sunday1 in the choir of a certain monastery1 and in a trance1 ,i saw a great fight between evil spirits and the angels4 ,i could not make out what the vision meant4 ,in less than a fortnight1 it was explained clearly enough by the dispute that took place between persons given to prayer and many who were not1 which did great harm to that house2 for it was a dispute that lasted long and caused much trouble4 ,on another occasion1 ,i saw a great multitude of evil spirits round about me1 and1 at the same time1 a great light1 in which ,i was enveloped1 which kept them from coming near me4 ,i understood it to mean that ,god was watching over me1 that they might not approach me so as to make me offend ,him4 ,i knew the vision was real by what ,i saw occasionally in myself4 ,the fact is1 ,i know now how little power the evil spirits have1 provided ,i am not out of the grace of ,god2 ,i have scarcely any fear of them at all1 for their strength is as nothing1 if they do not find the souls they assail give up the contest1 and become cowards2 it is in this case that they show their power4 #ab4 ,now and then1 during the temptations ,i am speaking of1 it seemed to me as if all my vanity and weakness in times past had become alive again within me2 so ,i had reason enough to commit myself into the hands of ,god4 ,then ,i was tormented by the thought that1 as these things came back to my memory1 ,i must be utterly in the power of ,satan1 until my confessor consoled me2 for ,i imagined that even the first movement towards an evil thought ought not to have come near one who had received from our ,lord such great graces as ,i had4 #ac4 ,at other times1 ,i was much tormented--and even now ,i am tormented--when ,i saw people make much of me1 particularly great people1 and when they spake well of me4 ,i have suffered1 and still suffer1 much in this way4 ,i think at once of the life of ,christ and of the ,saints1 and then my life seems the reverse of theirs1 for they received nothing but contempt and ill-treatment4 ,all this makes me afraid2 ,i dare not lift up my head1 and ,i wish nobody saw me at all4 ,it is not thus with me when ,i am persecuted2 then my soul is so conscious of strength1 though the body suffers1 and though ,i am in other ways afflicted1 that ,i do not know how this can be2 but so it is1--and my soul seems then to be a queen in its kingdom1 having everything under its feet4 #ad4 ,i had such a thought now and then--and1 indeed1 for many days together4 ,i regarded it as a sign of virtue and of humility2 but ,i see clearly now it was nothing else but a temptation4 ,a ,dominican friar1 of great learning1 showed it to me very plainly4 ,when ,i considered that the graces which our ,lord had bestowed upon me might come to the knowledge of the public1 my sufferings became so excessive as greatly to disturb my soul4 ,they went so far1 that ,i made up my mind1 while thinking of it1 that ,i would rather be buried alive than have these things known4 ,and so1 when ,i began to be profoundly recollected1 or to fall into a trance1 which ,i could not resist even in public1 ,i was so ashamed of myself1 that ,i would not appear where people might see me4 #ae4 ,once1 when ,i was much distressed at this1 our ,lord said to me1 ,what was ,i afraid of8 one of two things must happen--people would either speak ill of me1 or give glory to ,him4 ,he made me understand by this1 that those who believed in the truth of what was going on in me would glorify ,him2 and that those who did not would condemn me without cause3 in both ways ,i should be the gainer1 and ,i was therefore not to distress myself4 #c ,this made me quite calm1 and it comforts me whenever ,i think of it4 #af4 ,this temptation became so excessive1 that ,i wished to leave the house1 and take my dower to another monastery1 where enclosure was more strictly observed than in that wherein ,i was at this time4 ,i had heard great things of that other house1 which was of the same ,order as mine2 it was also at a great distance1 and it would have been a great consolation to me to live where ,i was not known2 but my confessor would never let me go4 ,these fears deprived me in a great measure of all liberty of spirit2 and ,i understood afterwards that this was not true humility1 because it disturbed me so much4 ,and our ,lord taught me this truth2 if ,i was convinced1 and certainly persuaded1 that all that was good in me came wholly and only from ,god1 and if it did not distress me to hear the praises of others1--yea1 rather1 if ,i was pleased and comforted when ,i saw that ,god was working in them1--then neither should ,i be distressed if ,he showed forth ,his works in me4 #ag4 ,i fell1 too1 into another extreme4 ,i begged of ,god1 and made it a particular subject of prayer1 that it might please ,his ,majesty1 whenever any one saw any good in me1 that such a one might also become acquainted with my sins1 in order that he might see that ,his graces were bestowed on me without any merit on my part3 and ,i always greatly desire this4 ,my confessor told me not to do it4 ,but almost to this day1 if ,i saw that any one thought well of me1 ,i used in a roundabout way1 or any how1 as ,i could1 to contrive he should know of my sins3 #d that seemed to relieve me4 ,but they have made me very scrupulous on this point4 ,this1 it appears to me1 was not an effect of humility1 but oftentimes the result of temptation4 ,it seemed to me that ,i was deceiving everybody--though1 in truth1 they deceived themselves1 by thinking that there was any good in me4 #e ,i did not wish to deceive them1 nor did ,i ever attempt it1 only our ,lord permitted it for some end2 and so1 even with my confessors1 ,i never discussed any of these matters if ,i did not see the necessity of it1 for that would have occasioned very considerable scruples4 #ah4 ,all these little fears and distresses1 and semblance of humility1 ,i now see clearly were mere imperfections1 and the result of my unmortified life2 for a soul left in the hands of ,god cares nothing about evil or good report1 if it clearly comprehends1 when our ,lord is pleased to bestow upon it ,his grace1 that it has nothing of its own4 ,let it trust the ,giver2 it will know hereafter why ,he reveals ,his gifts1 and prepare itself for persecution1 which in these times is sure to come1 when it is our ,lord's will it should be known of any one that ,he bestows upon him graces such as these2 for a thousand eyes are watching that soul1 while a thousand souls of another order are observed of none4 ,in truth1 there was no little ground for fear1 and that fear should have been mine3 ,i was therefore not humble1 but a coward2 for a soul which ,god permits to be thus seen of men may well prepare itself to be the world's martyr--because1 if it will not die to the world voluntarily1 that very world will kill it4 #ai4 ,certainly1 ,i see nothing in the world that seems to me good except this1 that it tolerates no faults in good people1 and helps them to perfection by dint of complaints against them4 ,i mean1 that it requires greater courage in one not yet perfect to walk in the way of perfection than to undergo an instant martyrdom2 for perfection is not attained to at once1 unless our ,lord grant that grace by a special privilege3 yet the world1 when it sees any one beginning to travel on that road1 insists on his becoming perfect at once1 and a thousand leagues off detects in him a fault1 which after all may be a virtue4 ,he who finds fault is doing the very same thing1--but1 in his own case1 viciously1--and he pronounces it to be so wrong in the other4 ,he who aims at perfection1 then1 must neither eat nor sleep1--nor1 as they say1 even breathe2 and the more men respect such a one1 the more do they forget that he is still in the body2 and1 though they may consider him perfect1 he is living on the earth1 subject to its miseries1 however much he may tread them under his feet4 ,and so1 as ,i have just said1 great courage is necessary here for1 though the poor soul have not yet begun to walk1 the world will have it fly2 and1 though its passions be not wholly overcome1 men will have it that they must be under restraint1 even upon trying occasions1 as those of the ,saints are1 of whom they read1 after they are confirmed in grace4 #bj4 ,all this is a reason for praising ,god1 and also for great sorrow of heart1 because very many go backwards who1 poor souls1 know not how to help themselves2 and ,i too1 ,i believe1 would have gone back also1 if our ,lord had not so mercifully on ,his part done everything for me4 ,and until ,he1 of ,his goodness1 had done all1 nothing was done by me1 as you1 my father1 may have seen already1 beyond falling and rising again4 ,i wish ,i knew how to explain it1 because many souls1 ,i believe1 delude themselves in this matter2 they would fly before ,god gives them wings4 #ba4 ,i believe ,i have made this comparison on another occasion1 #f but it is to the purpose here1 for ,i see certain souls are very greatly afflicted on that ground4 ,when these souls begin1 with great fervour1 courage1 and desire1 to advance in virtue1--some of them1 at least outwardly1 giving up all for ,god1--when they see in others1 more advanced than themselves1 greater fruits of virtue given them by our ,lord1--for we cannot acquire these of ourselves1--when they see in all the books written on prayer and on contemplation an account of what we have to do in order to attain thereto1 but which they cannot accomplish themselves1--they lose heart4 ,for instance1 they read that we must not be troubled when men speak ill of us1 that we are to be then more pleased than when they speak well of us2 that we must despise our own good name1 be detached from our kindred2 avoid their company1 which should be wearisome to us1 unless they be given to prayer2 with many other things of the same kind4 ,the disposition to practise this must be1 in my opinion1 the gift of ,god2 for it seems to me a supernatural good1 contrary to our natural inclinations4 ,let them not distress themselves2 let them trust in our ,lord3 what they now desire1 ,his ,majesty will enable them to attain to by prayer1 and by doing what they can themselves2 for it is very necessary for our weak nature that we should have great confidence1 that we should not be fainthearted1 nor suppose that1 if we do our best1 we shall fail to obtain the victory at last4 ,and as my experience here is large1 ,i will say1 by way of caution to you1 my father1 do not think--though it may seem so--that a virtue is acquired when we have not tested it by its opposing vice3 we must always be suspicious of ourselves1 and never negligent while we live2 for much evil clings to us if1 as ,i said before1 #g grace be not given to us fully to understand what everything is3 and in this life there is nothing without great risks4 #bb4 ,i thought a few years ago1 not only that ,i was detached from my kindred1 but that they were a burden to me2 and certainly it was so1 for ,i could not endure their conversation4 ,an affair of some importance had to be settled1 and ,i had to remain with a sister of mine1 for whom ,i had always before had a great affection4 ,the conversation we had together1 though she is better than ,i am1 did not please me2 for it could not always be on subjects ,i preferred1 owing to the difference of our conditions--she being married4 ,i was therefore as much alone as ,i could2 yet ,i felt that her troubles gave me more trouble than did those of my neighbours1 and even some anxiety4 ,in short1 ,i found out that ,i was not so detached as ,i thought1 and that it was necessary for me to flee from dangerous occasions1 in order that the virtue which our ,lord had begun to implant in me might grow2 and so1 by ,his help1 ,i have striven to do from that time till now4 #bc4 ,if our ,lord bestows any virtue upon us1 we must make much of it1 and by no means run the risk of losing it2 so it is in those things which concern our good name1 and many other matters4 ,you1 my father1 must believe that we are not all of us detached1 though we think we are2 it is necessary for us never to be careless on this point4 ,if any one detects in himself any tenderness about his good name1 and yet wishes to advance in the spiritual life1 let him believe me and throw this embarrassment behind his back1 for it is a chain which no file can sever2 only the help of ,god1 obtained by prayer and much striving on his part1 can do it4 ,it seems to me to be a hindrance on the road1 and ,i am astonished at the harm it does4 ,i see some persons so holy in their works1 and they are so great as to fill people with wonder4 ,o my ,god1 why is their soul still on the earth8 ,why has it not arrived at the summit of perfection8 ,what does it mean8 ,what keeps him back who does so much for ,god8 ,oh1 there it is6--self-respect6 and the worst of it is1 that these persons will not admit that they have it1 merely because ,satan now and then convinces them that they are under an obligation to observe it4 #bd4 ,well1 then1 let them believe me3 for the love of our ,lord1 let them give heed to the little ant1 who speaks because it is ,his pleasure4 ,if they take not this caterpillar away1 though it does not hurt the whole tree1 because some virtues remain1 the worm will eat into every one of them4 ,not only is the tree not beautiful1 but it also never thrives1 neither does it suffer the others near it to thrive2 for the fruit of good example which it bears is not sound1 and endures but a short time4 ,i say it again and again1 let our self-respect be ever so slight1 it will have the same result as the missing of a note on the organ when it is played1--the whole music is out of tune4 ,it is a thing which hurts the soul exceedingly in every way1 but it is a pestilence in the way of prayer4 #be4 ,are we striving after union with ,god8 and do we wish to follow the counsels of ,christ1--who was loaded with reproaches and falsely accused1--and1 at the same time1 to keep our own reputation and credit untouched8 ,we cannot succeed1 for these things are inconsistent one with another4 ,our ,lord comes to the soul when we do violence to ourselves1 and strive to give up our rights in many things4 ,some will say1 ,i have nothing that ,i can give up1 nor have ,i any opportunity of doing so4 ,i believe that our ,lord will never suffer any one who has made so good a resolution as this to miss so great a blessing4 ,his ,majesty will make so many arrangements for him1 whereby he may acquire this virtue1--more frequently1 perhaps1 than he will like4 ,let him put his hand to the work4 ,i speak of the little nothings and trifles which ,i gave up when ,i began--or1 at least1 of some of them3 the straws which ,i said #h ,i threw into the fire2 for ,i am not able to do more4 ,all this our ,lord accepted3 may ,he be blessed for evermore6 #bf4 ,one of my faults was this3 ,i had a very imperfect knowledge of my ,breviary and of my duties in choir1 simply because ,i was careless and given to vanities2 and ,i knew the other novices could have taught me4 ,but ,i never asked them1 that they might not know how little ,i knew4 ,it suggested itself to me at once1 that ,i ought to set a good example3 this is very common4 ,now1 however1 that ,god has opened my eyes a little1 even when ,i know a thing1 but yet am very slightly in doubt about it1 ,i ask the children4 ,i have lost neither honour nor credit by it--on the contrary1 ,i believe our ,lord has been pleased to strengthen my memory4 ,my singing of the ,office was bad1 and ,i felt it much if ,i had not learned the part intrusted to me1--not because ,i made mistakes before our ,lord1 which would have been a virtue1 but because ,i made them before the many nuns who heard me4 ,i was so full of my own reputation1 that ,i was disturbed1 and therefore did not sing what ,i had to sing even so well as ,i might have done4 ,afterwards1 ,i ventured1 when ,i did not know it very well1 to say so4 ,at first1 ,i felt it very much2 but afterwards ,i found pleasure in doing it4 ,so1 when ,i began to be indifferent about its being known that ,i could not sing well1 it gave me no pain at all1 and ,i sang much better4 ,this miserable self-esteem took from me the power of doing that which ,i regarded as an honour1 for every one regards as honourable that which he likes4 #bg4 ,by trifles such as these1 which are nothing1--and ,i am altogether nothing myself1 seeing that this gave me pain1--by little and little1 doing such actions1 and by such slight performances1--they become of worth because done for ,god1--,his ,majesty helps us on towards greater things2 and so it happened to me in the matter of humility4 ,when ,i saw that all the nuns except myself were making great progress1--,i was always myself good for nothing1--,i used to fold up their mantles when they left the choir4 ,i looked on myself as doing service to angels who had been there praising ,god4 ,i did so till they--,i know not how--found it out2 and then ,i was not a little ashamed1 because my virtue was not strong enough to bear that they should know of it4 ,but the shame arose1 not because ,i was humble1 but because ,i was afraid they would laugh at me1 the matter being so trifling4 #bh4 ,o ,lord1 what a shame for me to lay bare so much wickedness1 and to number these grains of sand1 which yet ,i did not raise up from the ground in ,thy service without mixing them with a thousand meannesses6 ,the waters of ,thy grace were not as yet flowing beneath them1 so as to make them ascend upwards4 ,o my ,creator1 oh1 that ,i had anything worth recounting amid so many evil things1 when ,i am recounting the great mercies ,i received at ,thy hands6 ,so it is1 ,o my ,lord4 ,i know not how my heart could have borne it1 nor how any one who shall read this can help having me in abhorrence when he sees that mercies so great had been so ill-requited1 and that ,i have not been ashamed to speak of these services4 ,ah6 they are only mine1 ,o my ,lord2 but ,i am ashamed ,i have nothing else to say of myself2 and that it is that makes me speak of these wretched beginnings1 in order that he who has begun more nobly may have hope that our ,lord1 who has made much of mine1 will make more of his4 ,may it please ,his ,majesty to give me this grace1 that ,i may not remain for ever at the beginning6 ,amen4 #i #a4 #b ,cor4 ii4 #aa3 ,non enim ignoramus cogitationes ejus4 #b4 ,ch4 xxvii4 #d4 #c4 ,see ,inner ,fortress1 vi4 ch4 iv4 #ab4 #d4 ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 lxv4 #b2 but ch4 xxxvi4 of the previous editions4 #e4 ,see ch4 x4 #aj4 #f4 ,ch4 xiii4 #c4 #g4 ,ch4 xx4 #ch4 #h4 ,ch4 xxx4 #be4 #i4 ,don ,vicente de la ,fuente thinks the first ,life ended here2 that which follows was written under obedience to her confessor1 ,f4 ,garcia of ,toledo1 and after the foundation of the monastery of ,st4 ,joseph1 ,avila4 ,chapter ,,xxxii4 ,our ,lord ,shows ,st4 ,teresa the ,place ,which ,she ,had by ,her ,sins ,deserved in ,hell4 ,the ,torments ,there4 ,how the ,monastery of ,st4 ,joseph ,was ,founded4 #a4 ,some considerable time after our ,lord had bestowed upon me the graces ,i have been describing1 and others also of a higher nature1 ,i was one day in prayer when ,i found myself in a moment1 without knowing how1 plunged apparently into hell4 ,i understood that it was our ,lord's will ,i should see the place which the devils kept in readiness for me1 and which ,i had deserved by my sins4 ,it was but a moment1 but it seems to me impossible ,i should ever forget it even if ,i were to live many years4 #b4 ,the entrance seemed to be by a long narrow pass1 like a furnace1 very low1 dark1 and close4 ,the ground seemed to be saturated with water1 mere mud1 exceedingly foul1 sending forth pestilential odours1 and covered with loathsome vermin4 ,at the end was a hollow place in the wall1 like a closet1 and in that ,i saw myself confined4 ,all this was even pleasant to behold in comparison with what ,i felt there4 ,there is no exaggeration in what ,i am saying4 #c4 ,but as to what ,i then felt1 ,i do not know where to begin1 if ,i were to describe it2 it is utterly inexplicable4 ,i felt a fire in my soul4 ,i cannot see how it is possible to describe it4 ,my bodily sufferings were unendurable4 ,i have undergone most painful sufferings in this life1 and1 as the physicians say1 the greatest that can be borne1 such as the contraction of my sinews when ,i was paralysed1 #a without speaking of others of different kinds1 yea1 even those of which ,i have also spoken1 #b inflicted on me by ,satan2 yet all these were as nothing in comparison with what ,i felt then1 especially when ,i saw that there would be no intermission1 nor any end to them4 #d4 ,these sufferings were nothing in comparison with the anguish of my soul1 a sense of oppression1 of stifling1 and of pain so keen1 accompanied by so hopeless and cruel an infliction1 that ,i know not how to speak of it4 ,if ,i said that the soul is continually being torn from the body1 it would be nothing1 for that implies the destruction of life by the hands of another but here it is the soul itself that is tearing itself in pieces4 ,i cannot describe that inward fire or that despair1 surpassing all torments and all pain4 ,i did not see who it was that tormented me1 but ,i felt myself on fire1 and torn to pieces1 as it seemed to me2 and1 ,i repeat it1 this inward fire and despair are the greatest torments of all4 #e4 ,left in that pestilential place1 and utterly without the power to hope for comfort1 ,i could neither sit nor lie down3 there was no room4 ,i was placed as it were in a hole in the wall2 and those walls1 terrible to look on of themselves1 hemmed me in on every side4 ,i could not breathe4 ,there was no light1 but all was thick darkness4 ,i do not understand how it is2 though there was no light1 yet everything that can give pain by being seen was visible4 #f4 ,our ,lord at that time would not let me see more of hell4 ,afterwards1 ,i had another most fearful vision1 in which ,i saw the punishment of certain sins4 ,they were most horrible to look at2 but1 because ,i felt none of the pain1 my terror was not so great4 ,in the former vision1 our ,lord made me really feel those torments1 and that anguish of spirit1 just as if ,i had been suffering them in the body there4 ,i know not how it was1 but ,i understood distinctly that it was a great mercy that our ,lord would have me see with mine own eyes the very place from which ,his compassion saved me4 ,i have listened to people speaking of these things1 and ,i have at other times dwelt on the various torments of hell1 though not often1 because my soul made no progress by the way of fear2 and ,i have read of the diverse tortures1 and how the devils tear the flesh with red-hot pincers4 ,but all is as nothing before this2 it is a wholly different matter4 ,in short1 the one is a reality1 the other a picture2 and all burning here in this life is as nothing in comparison with the fire that is there4 #g4 ,i was so terrified by that vision1--and that terror is on me even now while ,i am writing1--that1 though it took place nearly six years ago1 #c the natural warmth of my body is chilled by fear even now when ,i think of it4 ,and so1 amid all the pain and suffering which ,i may have had to bear1 ,i remember no time in which ,i do not think that all we have to suffer in this world is as nothing4 ,it seems to me that we complain without reason4 ,i repeat it1 this vision was one of the grandest mercies of our ,lord4 ,it has been to me of the greatest service1 because it has destroyed my fear of trouble and of the contradiction of the world1 and because it has made me strong enough to bear up against them1 and to give thanks to our ,lord1 who has been my ,deliverer1 as it now seems to me1 from such fearful and everlasting pains4 #h4 ,ever since that time1 as ,i was saying1 everything seems endurable in comparison with one instant of suffering such as those ,i had then to bear in hell4 ,i am filled with fear when ,i see that1 after frequently reading books which describe in some manner the pains of hell1 ,i was not afraid of them1 nor made any account of them4 ,where was ,i8 ,how could ,i possibly take any pleasure in those things which led me directly to so dreadful a place8 ,blessed for ever be ,thou1 ,o my ,god6 and1 oh1 how manifest is it that ,thou didst love me much more than ,i did love ,thee6 ,how often1 ,o ,lord1 didst ,thou save me from that fearful prison6 and how ,i used to get back to it contrary to ,thy will4 #i4 ,it was that vision that filled me with the very great distress which ,i feel at the sight of so many lost souls1--especially of the ,lutherans1--for they were once members of the ,church by baptism1--and also gave me the most vehement desires for the salvation of souls2 for certainly ,i believe that1 to save even one from those overwhelming torments1 ,i would most willingly endure many deaths4 ,if here on earth we see one whom we specially love in great trouble or pain1 our very nature seems to bid us compassionate him2 and if those pains be great1 we are troubled ourselves4 ,what1 then1 must it be to see a soul in danger of pain1 the most grievous of all pains1 for ever8 ,who can endure it8 ,it is a thought no heart can bear without great anguish4 ,here we know that pain ends with life at last1 and that there are limits to it2 yet the sight of it moves our compassion so greatly4 ,that other pain has no ending2 and ,i know not how we can be calm1 when we see ,satan carry so many souls daily away4 #aj4 ,this also makes me wish that1 in a matter which concerns us so much1 we did not rest satisfied with doing less than we can do on our part1--that we left nothing undone4 ,may our ,lord vouchsafe to give us ,his grace for that end6 ,when ,i consider that1 notwithstanding my very great wickedness1 ,i took some pains to please ,god1 and abstained from certain things which ,i know the world makes light of1--that1 in short1 ,i suffered grievous infirmities1 and with great patience1 which our ,lord gave me2 that ,i was not inclined to murmur or to speak ill of anybody2 that ,i could not--,i believe so--wish harm to any one2 that ,i was not1 to the best of my recollection1 either avaricious or envious1 so as to be grievously offensive in the sight of ,god2 and that ,i was free from many other faults1--for1 though so wicked1 ,i had lived constantly in the fear of ,god1--,i had to look at the very place which the devils kept ready for me4 ,it is true that1 considering my faults1 ,i had deserved a still heavier chastisement2 but for all that1 ,i repeat it1 the torment was fearful1 and we run a great risk whenever we please ourselves4 ,no soul should take either rest or pleasure that is liable to fall every moment into mortal sin4 ,let us1 then1 for the love of ,god1 avoid all occasions of sin1 and our ,lord will help us1 as ,he has helped me4 ,may it please ,his ,majesty never to let me out of ,his hands1 lest ,i should turn back and fall1 now that ,i have seen the place where ,i must dwell if ,i do4 ,i entreat our ,lord1 for ,his ,majesty's sake1 never to permit it4 ,amen4 #aa4 ,when ,i had seen this vision1 and had learned other great and hidden things which our ,lord1 of ,his goodness1 was pleased to show me1--namely1 the joy of the blessed and the torment of the wicked1--,i longed for the way and the means of doing penance for the great evil ,i had done1 and of meriting in some degree1 so that ,i might gain so great a good2 and therefore ,i wished to avoid all society1 and to withdraw myself utterly from the world4 ,i was in spirit restless1 yet my restlessness was not harassing1 but rather pleasant4 ,i saw clearly that it was the work of ,god1 and that ,his ,majesty had furnished my soul with fervour1 so that ,i might be able to digest other and stronger food than ,i had been accustomed to eat4 ,i tried to think what ,i could do for ,god1 and thought that the first thing was to follow my vocation to a religious life1 which ,his ,majesty had given me1 by keeping my rule in the greatest perfection possible4 #ab4 ,though in that house in which ,i then lived there were many servants of ,god1 and ,god was greatly served therein1 yet1 because it was very poor1 the nuns left it very often and went to other places1 where1 however1 we could serve ,god in all honour and observances of religion4 ,the rule also was kept1 not in its original exactness1 but according to the custom of the whole ,order1 authorised by the ,bull of ,mitigation4 ,there were other inconveniences also3 we had too many comforts1 as it seemed to me2 for the house was large and pleasant4 ,but this inconvenience of going out1 though it was ,i that took most advantage of it1 was a very grievous one for me2 for many persons1 to whom my superiors could not say no1 were glad to have me with them4 ,my superiors1 thus importuned1 commanded me to visit these persons2 and thus it was so arranged that ,i could not be long together in the monastery4 ,satan1 too1 must have had a share in this1 in order that ,i might not be in the house1 where ,i was of great service to those of my sisters to whom ,i continually communicated the instructions which ,i received from my confessors4 #ac4 ,it occurred once to a person with whom ,i was speaking to say to me and the others that it was possible to find means for the foundation of a monastery1 if we were prepared to become nuns like those of the ,barefooted ,orders4 #d ,i1 having this desire1 began to discuss the matter with that widowed lady who was my companion1--,i have spoken of her before1 #e--;and she had the same wish that ,i had4 ,she began to consider how to provide a revenue for the home4 ,i see now that this was not the way1--only the wish we had to do so made us think it was2 but ,i1 on the other hand1 seeing that ,i took the greatest delight in the house in which ,i was then living1 because it was very pleasant to me1 and1 in my own cell1 most convenient for my purpose1 still held back4 ,nevertheless1 we agreed to commit the matter with all earnestness to ,god4 #ad4 ,one day1 after ,communion1 our ,lord commanded me to labour with all my might for this end4 ,he made me great promises1--that the monastery would be certainly built2 that ,he would take great delight therein2 that it should be called ,st4 ,joseph's2 that ,st4 ,joseph would keep guard at one door1 and our ,lady at the other2 that ,christ would be in the midst of us2 that the monastery would be a star shining in great splendour2 that1 though the religious ,orders were then relaxed1 ,i was not to suppose that ,he was scantily served in them1--for what would become of the world1 if there were no religious in it8--,i was to tell my confessor what ,he commanded me1 and that ,he asked him not to oppose nor thwart me in the matter4 #ae4 ,so efficacious was the vision1 and such was the nature of the words our ,lord spoke to me1 that ,i could not possibly doubt that they came from ,him4 ,i suffered most keenly1 because ,i saw in part the great anxieties and troubles that the work would cost me1 and ,i was also very happy in the house ,i was in then2 and though ,i used to speak of this matter in past times1 yet it was not with resolution nor with any confidence that the thing could ever be done4 ,i saw that ,i was now in a great strait2 and when ,i saw that ,i was entering on a work of great anxiety1 ,i hesitated2 but our ,lord spoke of it so often to me1 and set before me so many reasons and motives1 which ,i saw could not be gainsaid1--,i saw1 too1 that such was ,his will2 so ,i did not dare do otherwise than put the whole matter before my confessor1 and give him an account in writing of all that took place4 #af4 ,my confessor did not venture definitely to bid me abandon my purpose2 but he saw that naturally there was no way of carrying it out2 because my friend1 who was to do it1 had very little or no means available for that end4 ,he told me to lay the matter before my superior1 #f and do what he might bid me do4 ,i never spoke of my visions to my superior1 but that lady who desired to found the monastery communicated with him4 ,the ,provincial was very much pleased1 for he loves the whole ,order1 gave her every help that was necessary1 and promised to acknowledge the house4 ,then there was a discussion about the revenues of the monastery1 and for many reasons we never would allow more than thirteen sisters together4 ,before we began our arrangements1 we wrote to the holy friar1 ,peter of ,alcantara1 telling him all that was taking place2 and he advised us not to abandon our work1 and gave us his sanction on all points4 #ag4 ,as soon as the affair began to be known here1 there fell upon us a violent persecution1 which cannot be very easily described--sharp sayings and keen jests4 ,people said it was folly in me1 who was so well off in my monastery2 as to my friend1 the persecution was so continuous1 that it wearied her4 ,i did not know what to do1 and ,i thought that people were partly in the right4 ,when ,i was thus heavily afflicted1 ,i commended myself to ,god1 and ,his ,majesty began to console and encourage me4 ,he told me that ,i could then see what the ,saints had to go through who founded the religious ,orders3 that ,i had much heavier persecutions to endure than ,i could imagine1 but ,i was not to mind them4 ,he told me also what ,i was to say to my friend2 and what surprised me most was1 that we were consoled at once as to the past1 and resolved to withstand everybody courageously4 ,and so it came to pass2 for among people of prayer1 and indeed in the whole neighbourhood1 there was hardly one who was not against us1 and who did not think our work the greatest folly4 #ah4 ,there was so much talking and confusion in the very monastery wherein ,i was1 that the ,provincial began to think it hard for him to set himself against everybody2 so he changed his mind1 and would not acknowledge the new house4 ,he said that the revenue was not certain1 and too little1 while the opposition was great4 ,on the whole1 it seemed that he was right2 he gave it up at last1 and would have nothing to do with it4 ,it was a very great pain to us1--for we seemed now to have received the first blow1--and in particular to me1 to find the ,provincial against us2 for when he approved of the plan1 ,i considered myself blameless before all4 ,they would not give absolution to my friend1 if she did not abandon the project2 for they said she was bound to remove the scandal4 #ai4 ,she went to a very learned man1 and a very great servant of ,god1 of the ,order of ,st4 ,dominic1 #g to whom she gave an account of all this matter4 ,this was even before the ,provincial had withdrawn his consent2 for in this place we had no one who would give us advice2 and so they said that it all proceeded solely from our obstinacy4 ,that lady gave an account of everything1 and told the holy man how much she received from the property of her husband4 ,having1 a great desire that he would help us1--for he was the most learned man here1 and there are few in his ,order more learned than he1--,i told him myself all we intended to do1 and some of my motives4 ,i never said a word of any revelation whatever1 speaking only of the natural reasons which influenced me2 for ,i would not have him give an opinion otherwise than on those grounds4 ,he asked us to give him eight days before he answered1 and also if we had made up our minds to abide by what he might say4 ,i said we had2 but though ,i said so1 and though ,i thought so1 ,i never lost a certain confidence that the monastery would be founded4 ,my friend had more faith than ,i2 nothing they could say could make her give it up4 ,as for myself1 though1 as ,i said1 it seemed to me impossible that the work should be finally abandoned1 yet my belief in the truth of the revelation went no further than in so far as it was not against what is contained in the sacred writings1 nor against the laws of the ,church1 which we are bound to keep4 ,though the revelation seemed to me to have come really from ,god1 yet1 if that learned man had told me that we could not go on without offending ,god and going against our conscience1 ,i believe ,i should have given it up1 and looked out for some other way2 but our ,lord showed me no other way than this4 #bj4 ,the servant of ,god told me afterwards that he had made up his mind to insist on the abandonment of our project1 for he had already heard the popular cry3 moreover1 he1 as everybody did1 thought it folly2 and a certain nobleman also1 as soon as he knew that we had gone to him1 had sent him word to consider well what he was doing1 and to give us no help2 that when he began to consider the answer he should make us1 and to ponder on the matter1 the object we had in view1 our manner of life1 and the ,order1 he became convinced that it was greatly for the service of ,god1 and that we must not give it up4 ,accordingly1 his answer was that we should make haste to settle the matter4 ,he told us how and in what way it was to be done2 and if our means were scanty1 we must trust somewhat in ,god4 ,if anyone made any objections1 they were to go to him--he would answer them2 and in this way he always helped us1 as ,i shall show by and by4 #h #ba4 ,this answer was a great comfort to us2 so also was the conduct of certain holy persons who were usually against us3 they were now pacified1 and some of them even helped us4 ,one of them was the saintly nobleman #i of whom ,i spoke before2 #aj he looked on it--so1 indeed1 it was--as a means of great perfection1 because the whole foundation was laid in prayer4 ,he saw also very many difficulties before us1 and no way out of them1--yet he gave up his own opinion1 and admitted that the work might be of ,god4 ,our ,lord ,himself must have touched his heart1 as ,he also did that of the doctor1 the priest and servant of ,god1 to whom1 as ,i said before1 #aa ,i first spoke1 who is an example to the whole city1--being one whom ,god maintains there for the relief and progress of many souls3 he1 too1 came now to give us his assistance4 #bb4 ,when matters had come to this state1 and always with the help of many prayers1 we purchased a house in a convenient spot2 and though it was small1 ,i cared not at all for that1 for our ,lord had told me to go into it as well as ,i could1--that ,i should see afterwards what ,he would do2 and how well ,i have seen it6 ,i saw1 too1 how scanty were our means2 and yet ,i believed our ,lord would order these things by other ways1 and be gracious unto us4 #a4 ,see ch4 v4 #ad1 ch4 vi4 #a4 #b4 ,ch4 xxxi4 #c4 #c4 ,in #aeeh 7,de la ,fuente74 #d4 ,this was said by ,maria de ,ocampo1 niece of ,st4 ,teresa1 then living in the monastery of the ,incarnation1 but not a religious2 afterwards ,maria ,bautista1 ,prioress of the ,carmelites at ,valladolid 7,ribera1 i4 #g74 #e4 ,ch4 xxiv4 #e4 ,doa ,guiomar de ,ulloa4 #f4 ,the ,provincial of the ,carmelites3 ,f4 ,angel de ,salasar 7,de la ,fuente74 #g4 ,f4 ,pedro ,ibaez 7,de la ,fuente74 #h4 ,ch4 xxxiii4 #h4 #i4 ,francis de ,salcedo4 #aj4 ,ch4 xxiii4 #f4 #aa4 ,gaspar ,daza4 ,see ch4 xxiii4 #f4 ,chapter ,,xxxiii4 ,the ,foundation of the ,monastery ,hindered4 ,our ,lord ,consoles the ,saint4 #a4 ,when the matter was in this state--so near its conclusion1 that on the very next day the papers were to be signed--then it was that the ,father ,provincial changed his mind4 ,i believe that the change was divinely ordered--so it appeared afterwards2 for while so many prayers were made1 our ,lord was perfecting ,his work and arranging its execution in another way4 ,when the ,provincial refused us1 my confessor bade me forthwith to think no more of it1 notwithstanding the great trouble and distress which our ,lord knows it cost me to bring it to this state4 ,when the work was given up and abandoned1 people were the more convinced that it was altogether the foolishness of women2 and the complaints against me were multiplied1 although ,i had until then this commandment of my ,provincial to justify me4 #b4 ,i was now very much disliked throughout the whole monastery1 because ,i wished to found another with stricter enclosure4 ,it was said ,i insulted my sisters2 that ,i could serve ,god among them as well as elsewhere1 for there were many among them much better than ,i2 that ,i did not love the house1 and that it would have been better if ,i had procured greater resources for it than for another4 ,some said ,i ought to be put in prison2 others--but they were not many--defended me in some degree4 ,i saw well enough that they were for the most part right1 and now and then ,i made excuses for myself2 though1 as ,i could not tell them the chief reason1 which was the commandment of our ,lord1 ,i knew not what to do1 and so was silent4 #c4 ,in other respects ,god was most merciful unto me1 for all this caused me no uneasiness2 and ,i gave up our design with much readiness and joy1 as if it cost me nothing4 ,no one could believe it1 not even those men of prayer with whom ,i conversed2 for they thought ,i was exceedingly pained and sorry3 even my confessor himself could hardly believe it4 ,i had done1 as it seemed to me1 all that was in my power4 ,i thought myself obliged to do no more than ,i had done to fulfil our ,lord's commandment1 and so ,i remained in the house where ,i was1 exceedingly happy and joyful2 though1 at the same time1 ,i was never able to give up my conviction that the work would be done4 ,i had now no means of doing it1 nor did ,i know how or when it would be done2 but ,i firmly believed in its accomplishment4 #d4 ,i was much distressed at one time by a letter which my confessor wrote to me1 as if ,i had done anything in the matter contrary to his will4 ,our ,lord also must have meant that suffering should not fail me there where ,i should feel it most2 and so1 amid the multitude of my persecutions1 when1 as it seemed to me1 consolations should have come from my confessor1 he told me that ,i ought to recognise in the result that all was a dream2 that ,i ought to lead a new life by ceasing to have anything to do for the future with it1 or even to speak of it any more1 seeing the scandal it had occasioned4 ,he made some further remarks1 all of them very painful4 ,this was a greater affliction to me than all the others together4 ,i considered whether ,i had done anything myself1 and whether ,i was to blame for anything that was an offence unto ,god2 whether all my visions were illusions1 all my prayers a delusion1 and ,i1 therefore1 deeply deluded and lost4 ,this pressed so heavily upon me1 that ,i was altogether disturbed and most grievously distressed4 ,but our ,lord1 who never failed me in all the trials ,i speak of1 so frequently consoled and strengthened me1 that ,i need not speak of it here4 ,he told me then not to distress myself2 that ,i had pleased ,god greatly1 and had not sinned against ,him throughout the whole affair2 that ,i was to do what my confessors required of me1 and be silent on the subject till the time came to resume it4 ,i was so comforted and so happy1 that the persecution which had befallen me seemed to be as nothing at all4 #e4 ,our ,lord now showed me what an exceedingly great blessing it is to be tried and persecuted for ,his sake2 for the growth of the love of ,god in my soul1 which ,i now discerned1 as well as of many other virtues1 was such as to fill me with wonder4 ,it made me unable to abstain from desiring trials1 and yet those about me thought ,i was exceedingly disheartened2 and ,i must have been so1 if our ,lord in that extremity had not succoured me with ,his great compassion4 ,now was the beginning of those more violent impetuosities of the love of ,god of which ,i have spoken before1 #a as well as of those profounder trances4 ,i kept silence1 however1 and never spoke of those graces to any one4 ,the saintly ,dominican #b was as confident as ,i was that the work would be done2 and as ,i would not speak of it1 in order that nothing might take place contrary to the obedience ,i owed my confessor1 he communicated with my companion1 and they wrote letters to ,rome and made their preparations4 #f4 ,satan also contrived now that persons should hear one from another that ,i had had a revelation in the matter2 and people came to me in great terror1 saying that the times were dangerous1 that something might be laid to my charge1 and that ,i might be taken before the ,inquisitors4 ,i heard this with pleasure1 and it made me laugh1 because ,i never was afraid of them2 for ,i knew well enough that in matters of faith ,i would not break the least ceremony of the ,church1 that ,i would expose myself to die a thousand times rather than that any one should see me go against it or against any truth of ,holy ,writ4 ,so ,i told them ,i was not afraid of that1 for my soul must be in a very bad state if there was anything the matter with it of such a nature as to make me fear the ,inquisition2 ,i would go myself and give myself up1 if ,i thought there was anything amiss2 and if ,i should be denounced1 our ,lord would deliver me1 and ,i should gain much4 #g4 ,i had recourse to my ,dominican father2 for ,i could rely upon him1 because he was a learned man4 ,i told him all about my visions1 my way of prayer1 the great graces our ,lord had given me1 as clearly as ,i could1 and ,i begged him to consider the matter well1 and tell me if there was anything therein at variance with the ,holy ,writings1 and give me his opinion on the whole matter4 ,he reassured me much1 and1 ,i think1 profited himself2 for though he was exceedingly good1 yet1 from this time forth1 he gave himself more and more to prayer1 and retired to a monastery of his ,order which was very lonely1 that he might apply himself more effectually to prayer1 where he remained more than two years4 ,he was dragged out of his solitude by obedience1 to his great sorrow3 his superiors required his services2 for he was a man of great ability4 ,i1 too1 on my part1 felt his retirement very much1 because it was a great loss to me1 though ,i did not disturb him4 ,but ,i knew it was a gain to him2 for when ,i was so much distressed at his departure1 our ,lord bade me be comforted1 not to take it to heart1 for he was gone under good guidance4 #h4 ,so1 when he came back1 his soul had made such great progress1 and he was so advanced in the ways of the spirit1 that he told me on his return he would not have missed that journey for anything in the world4 ,and ,i1 too1 could say the same thing2 for where he reassured and consoled me formerly by his mere learning1 he did so now through that spiritual experience he had gained of supernatural things4 ,and ,god1 too1 brought him here in time2 for ,he saw that his help would be required in the foundation of the monastery1 which ,his ,majesty willed should be laid4 #i4 ,i remained quiet after this for five or six months1 neither thinking nor speaking of the matter2 nor did our ,lord once speak to me about it4 ,i know not why1 but ,i could never rid myself of the thought that the monastery would be founded4 ,at the end of that time1 the then ,rector #c of the ,society of ,jesus having gone away1 ,his ,majesty brought into his place another1 #d of great spirituality1 high courage1 strong understanding1 and profound learning1 at the very time when ,i was in great straits4 ,as he who then heard my confession had a superior over him--the fathers of the ,society are extremely strict about the virtue of obedience and never stir but in conformity with the will of their superiors1--so he would not dare1 though he perfectly understood my spirit1 and desired the accomplishment of my purpose1 to come to any resolution2 and he had many reasons to justify his conduct4 ,i was at the same time subject to such great impetuosities of spirit1 that ,i felt my chains extremely heavy2 nevertheless1 ,i never swerved from the commandment he gave me4 #aj4 ,one day1 when in great distress1 because ,i thought my confessor did not trust me1 our ,lord said to me1 ,be not troubled2 this suffering will soon be over4 ,i was very much delighted1 thinking ,i should die shortly2 and ,i was very happy whenever ,i recalled those words to remembrance4 ,afterwards ,i saw clearly that they referred to the coming of the rector of whom ,i am speaking1 for never again had ,i any reason to be distressed4 ,the rector that came never interfered with the father-minister who was my confessor4 ,on the contrary1 he told him to console me1--that there was nothing to be afraid of1--and not to direct me along a road so narrow1 but to leave the operations of the ,spirit of ,god alone2 for now and then it seemed as if these great impetuosities of the spirit took away the very breath of the soul4 #aa4 ,the rector came to see me1 and my confessor bade me speak to him in all freedom and openness4 ,i used to feel the very greatest repugnance to speak of this matter2 but so it was1 when ,i went into the confessional1 ,i felt in my soul something1 ,i know not what4 ,i do not remember to have felt so either before or after towards any one4 ,i cannot tell what it was1 nor do ,i know of anything with which ,i could compare it4 ,it was a spiritual joy1 and a conviction in my soul that his soul must understand mine1 that it was in unison with it1 and yet1 as ,i have said1 ,i knew not how4 ,if ,i had ever spoken to him1 or had heard great things of him1 it would have been nothing out of the way that ,i should rejoice in the conviction that he would understand me2 but he had never spoken to me before1 nor ,i to him1 and1 indeed1 he was a person of whom ,i had no previous knowledge whatever4 #ab4 ,afterwards1 ,i saw clearly that my spirit was not deceived2 for my relations with him were in every way of the utmost service to me and my soul1 because his method of direction is proper for those persons whom our ,lord seems to have led far on the way1 seeing that ,he makes them run1 and not to crawl step by step4 ,his plan is to render them thoroughly detached and mortified1 and our ,lord has endowed him with the highest gifts herein as well as in many other things beside4 ,as soon as ,i began to have to do with him1 ,i knew his method at once1 and saw that he had a pure and holy soul1 with a special grace of our ,lord for the discernment of spirits4 ,he gave me great consolation4 ,shortly after ,i had begun to speak to him1 our ,lord began to constrain me to return to the affair of the monastery1 and to lay before my confessor and the father-rector many reasons and considerations why they should not stand in my way4 ,some of these reasons made them afraid1 for the father-rector never had a doubt of its being the work of the ,spirit of ,god1 because he regarded the fruits of it with great care and attention4 ,at last1 after much consideration1 they did not dare to hinder me4 #e #ac4 ,my confessor gave me leave to prosecute the work with all my might4 ,i saw well enough the trouble ,i exposed myself to1 for ,i was utterly alone1 and able to do so very little4 ,we agreed that it should be carried on with the utmost secrecy2 and so ,i contrived that one of my sisters1 #f who lived out of the town1 should buy a house1 and prepare it as if for herself1 with money which our ,lord provided for us4 #g ,i made it a great point to do nothing against obedience2 but ,i knew that if ,i spoke of it to my superiors all was lost1 as on the former occasion1 and worse even might happen4 ,in holding the money1 in finding the house1 in treating for it1 in putting it in order1 ,i had so much to suffer2 and1 for the most part1 ,i had to suffer alone1 though my friend did what she could3 she could do but little1 and that was almost nothing4 ,beyond giving her name and her countenance1 the whole of the trouble was mine2 and that fell upon me in so many ways1 that ,i am astonished now how ,i could have borne it4 #h ,sometimes1 in my affliction1 ,i used to say3 ,o my ,lord1 how is it that ,thou commandest me to do that which seems impossible8--for1 though ,i am a woman1 yet1 if ,i were free1 it might be done2 but when ,i am tied in so many ways1 without money1 or the means of procuring it1 either for the purpose of the ,brief or for any other1--what1 ,o ,lord1 can ,i do8 #ad4 ,once when ,i was in one of my difficulties1 not knowing what to do1 unable to pay the workmen1 ,st4 ,joseph1 my true father and lord1 appeared to me1 and gave me to understand that money would not be wanting1 and ,i must hire the workmen4 ,so ,i did1 though ,i was penniless2 and our ,lord1 in a way that filled those who heard of it with wonder1 provided for me4 ,the house offered me was too small1--so much so1 that it seemed as if it could never be made into a monastery1--and ,i wished to buy another1 but had not the means1 and there was neither way nor means to do so4 ,i knew not what to do4 ,there was another little house close to the one we had1 which might have formed a small church4 ,one day1 after ,communion1 our ,lord said to me1 ,i have already bidden thee to go in anyhow4 ,and then1 as if exclaiming1 said3 ,oh1 covetousness of the human race1 thinking that even the whole earth is too little for it6 how often have ,i slept in the open air1 because ,i had no place to shelter ,me6 #i ,i was alarmed1 and saw that ,he had good reasons to complain4 ,i went to the little house1 arranged the divisions of it1 and found that it would make a sufficient1 though small1 monastery4 ,i did not care now to add to the site by purchase1 and so ,i did nothing but contrive to have it prepared in such a way that it could be lived in4 ,everything was coarse1 and nothing more was done to it than to render it not hurtful to health--and that must be done everywhere4 #ae4 ,as ,i was going to ,communion on her feast1 ,st4 ,clare appeared to me in great beauty1 and bade me take courage1 and go on with what ,i had begun2 she would help me4 ,i began to have a great devotion to ,st4 ,clare2 and she has so truly kept her word1 that a monastery of nuns of her ,order in our neighbourhood helped us to live2 and1 what is of more importance1 by little and little she so perfectly fulfilled my desire1 that the poverty which the blessed ,saint observes in her own house is observed in this1 and we are living on alms4 ,it cost me no small labour to have this matter settled by the plenary sanction and authority of the ,holy ,father1 #aj so that it shall never be otherwise1 and we possess no revenues4 ,our ,lord is doing more for us--perhaps we owe it to the prayers of this blessed ,saint2 for1 without our asking anybody1 ,his ,majesty supplies most abundantly all our wants4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever6 ,amen4 #af4 ,on one of these days--it was the ,feast of the ,assumption of our ,lady--,i was in the church of the monastery of the ,order of the glorious ,st4 ,dominic1 thinking of the events of my wretched life1 and of the many sins which in times past ,i had confessed in that house4 ,i fell into so profound a trance1 that ,i was as it were beside myself4 ,i sat down1 and it seemed as if ,i could neither see the ,elevation nor hear ,mass4 ,this afterwards became a scruple to me4 ,i thought then1 when ,i was in that state1 that ,i saw myself clothed with a garment of excessive whiteness and splendour4 ,at first ,i did not see who was putting it on me4 ,afterwards ,i saw our ,lady on my right hand1 and my father ,st4 ,joseph on my left1 clothing me with that garment4 ,i was given to understand that ,i was then cleansed from my sins4 ,when ,i had been thus clad--,i was filled with the utmost delight and joy--our ,lady seemed at once to take me by both hands4 ,she said that ,i pleased her very much by being devout to the glorious ,st4 ,joseph2 that ,i might rely on it my desires about the monastery were accomplished1 and that our ,lord and they too would be greatly honoured in it2 that ,i was to be afraid of no failure whatever1 though the obedience under which it would be placed might not be according to my mind1 because they would watch over us1 and because her ,son had promised to be with us #aa--;and1 as a proof of this1 she would give me that jewel4 ,she then seemed to throw around my neck a most splendid necklace of gold1 from which hung a cross of great value4 ,the stones and gold were so different from any in this world1 that there is nothing wherewith to compare them4 ,the beauty of them is such as can be conceived by no imagination1--and no understanding can find out the materials of the robe1 nor picture to itself the splendours which our ,lord revealed1 in comparison with which all the splendours of earth1 so to say1 are a daubing of soot4 ,this beauty1 which ,i saw in our ,lady1 was exceedingly grand1 though ,i did not trace it in any particular feature1 but rather in the whole form of her face4 ,she was clothed in white and her garments shone with excessive lustre that was not dazzling1 but soft4 ,i did not see ,st4 ,joseph so distinctly1 though ,i saw clearly that he was there1 as in the visions of which ,i spoke before1 #ab in which nothing is seen4 ,our ,lady seemed to be very young4 #ag4 ,when they had been with me for a while1--,i1 too1 in the greatest delight and joy1 greater than ,i had ever had before1 as ,i think1 and with which ,i wished never to part1--,i saw them1 so it seemed1 ascend up to heaven1 attended by a great multitude of angels4 ,i was left in great loneliness1 though so comforted and raised up1 so recollected in prayer and softened1 that ,i was for some time unable to move or speak--being1 as it were1 beside myself4 ,i was now possessed by a strong desire to be consumed for the love of ,god1 and by other affections of the same kind4 ,everything took place in such a way that ,i could never have a doubt--though ,i often tried--that the vision came from ,god4 #ac ,it left me in the greatest consolation and peace4 #ah4 ,as to that which the ,queen of the ,angels spoke about obedience1 it is this3 it was painful to me not to subject the monastery to the ,order1 and our ,lord had told me that it was inexpedient to do so4 ,he told me the reasons why it was in no wise convenient that ,i should do it but ,i must send to ,rome in a certain way1 which ,he also explained2 ,he would take care that ,i found help there3 and so ,i did4 ,i sent to ,rome1 as our ,lord directed me1--for we should never have succeeded otherwise1--and most favourable was the result4 #ai4 ,and as to subsequent events1 it was very convenient to be under the ,bishop1 #ad but at that time ,i did not know him1 nor did ,i know what kind of a superior he might be4 ,it pleased our ,lord that he should be as good and favourable to this house as it was necessary he should be on account of the great opposition it met with at the beginning1 as ,i shall show hereafter1 #ae and also for the sake of bringing it to the condition it is now in4 ,blessed be ,he who has done it all6 ,amen4 #a4 ,ch4 xxi4 #f1 ch4 xxix4 #aj1 #aa4 #b4 ,pedro ,ibaez4 ,see ch4 xxxviii4 #ae4 #c4 ,dionisio ,vasquez4 ,of him the ,bollandists say that he was very austere and harsh to his subjects1 notwithstanding his great learning3 homini egregie docto ac rebus gestis claro1 sed in subditos1 ut ex historia ,societatis ,jesu liquet1 valde immiti 7n4 #cji74 #d4 ,gaspar de ,salazar was made rector of the house in ,avila in #aefa1 therein succeeding ,vasquez 7,bollandists1 ibid474 #e4 ,st4 ,teresa was commanded by our ,lord to ask ,father ,baltasar ,alvarez to make a meditation on ,psalm xci4 #f3 ,quam magnificata sunt opera ,tua4 ,the ,saint obeyed1 and the meditation was made4 ,from that moment1 as ,f4 ,alvarez afterwards told ,father de ,ribera 7,life of ,st4 ,teresa1 i4 ch4 vii471 there was no further hesitation on the part of the ,saint's confessor4 #f4 ,juana de ,ahumada1 wife of ,juan de ,ovalle4 #g4 ,the money was a present from her brother1 ,don ,lorenzo de ,cepeda2 and the ,saint acknowledges the receipt of it1 and confesses the use made of it1 in a letter to her brother1 written in ,avila1 ,dec4 #ca1 #aefa 7,de la ,fuente74 #h4 ,one day1 she went with her sister--she was staying in her house--to hear a sermon in the church of ,st4 ,thomas4 ,the zealous preacher denounced visions and revelations2 and his observations were so much to the point1 that there was no need of his saying that they were directed against ,st4 ,teresa1 who was present4 ,her sister was greatly hurt1 and persuaded the ,saint to return to the monastery at once 7,reforma1 i4 ch4 xlii4 #a74 #i4 ,st4 ,luke ix4 #eh3 ,filius autem hominis non habet ubi caput reclinet4 #aj4 ,pius ,,iv41 on ,dec4 #e1 #aefb1 7,bouix74 ,see ch4 xxxix4 #ai4 #aa4 ,ch4 xxxii4 #ad4 #ab4 ,see ch4 xxvii4 #g4 #ac4 ,nuestro ,seor1 our ,lord1 though inserted in the printed editions after the word ,god1 is not in the ,,ms41 according to ,don ,v4 de la ,fuente4 #ad4 ,don ,alvaro de ,mendoza1 ,bishop of ,avila1 afterwards of ,palencia4 #ae4 ,see ch4 xxxvi4 #ae2 ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 v4 #aj2 ,foundations1 ch4 xxxi4 #a4 ,chapter ,,xxxiv4 ,the ,saint ,leaves ,her ,monastery of the ,incarnation for a ,time1 at the ,command of ,her ,superior4 ,consoles an ,afflicted ,widow4 #a4 ,now1 though ,i was very careful that no one should know what we were doing1 all this work could not be carried on so secretly as not to come to the knowledge of divers persons2 some believed1 in it1 others did not1 ,i was in great fear lest the ,provincial should be spoken to about it when he came1 and find himself compelled to order me to give it up2 and if he did so1 it would have been abandoned at once4 ,our ,lord provided against it in this way4 ,in a large city1 more than twenty leagues distant1 was a lady in great distress on account of her husband's death4 #a ,she was in such extreme affliction1 that fears were entertained about her life4 ,she had heard of me1 a poor sinner1--for our ,lord had provided that1--and men spoke well to her of me1 for the sake of other good works which resulted from it4 ,this lady knew the ,provincial well2 and as she was a person of some consideration1 and knew that ,i lived in a monastery the nuns of which were permitted to go out1 our ,lord made her desire much to see me4 ,she thought that my presence would be a consolation to her1 and that she could not be comforted otherwise4 ,she therefore strove by all the means in her power to get me into her house1 sending messages to the ,provincial1 who was at a distance far away4 #b4 ,the ,provincial sent me an order1 charging me in virtue of my obedience to go immediately1 with one companion4 ,i knew of it on ,christmas night4 ,it caused me some trouble and much suffering to see that they sent for me because they thought there was some good in me2 ,i1 knowing myself to be so wicked1 could not bear it4 ,i commended myself earnestly to ,god1 and during ,matins1 or the greater part of them1 was lost in a profound trance4 ,our ,lord told me ,i must go without fail1 and give no heed to the opinions of people1 for they were few who would not be rash in their counsel2 and though ,i should have troubles1 yet ,god would be served greatly3 as to the monastery1 it was expedient ,i should be absent till the ,brief came1 because ,satan had contrived a great plot against the coming of the ,provincial2 that ,i was to have no fear1--,he would help me4 ,i repeated this to the rector1 and he told me that ,i must go by all means1 though others were saying ,i ought not to go1 that it was a trick of ,satan to bring some evil upon me there1 and that ,i ought to send word to the ,provincial4 #c4 ,i obeyed the rector1 and went without fear1 because of what ,i had understood in prayer1 though in the greatest confusion when ,i thought of the reasons why they sent for me1 and how very much they were deceived4 ,it made me more and more importunate with our ,lord that ,he would not abandon me4 ,it was a great comfort that there was a house of the ,society of ,jesus there whither ,i was going1 and so ,i thought ,i should be in some degree safe under the direction of those fathers1 as ,i had been here4 #d4 ,it was the good pleasure of our ,lord that the lady who sent for me should be so much consoled that a visible improvement was the immediate result she was comforted every day more and more4 ,this was very remarkable1 because1 as ,i said before1 her suffering had reduced her to great straits4 ,our ,lord must have done this in answer to the many prayers which the good people of my acquaintance made for me1 that ,i might prosper in my work4 ,she had a profound fear of ,god1 and was so good1 that her great devotion supplied my deficiencies4 ,she conceived a great affection for me--,i1 too1 for her1 because of her goodness2 but all was as it were a cross for me2 for the comforts of her house were a great torment1 and her making so much of me made me afraid4 ,i kept my soul continually recollected--,i did not dare to be careless3 nor was our ,lord careless of me2 for while ,i was there1 ,he bestowed the greatest graces upon me1 and those graces made me so free1 and filled me with such contempt for all ,i saw1--and the more ,i saw1 the greater my contempt1--that ,i never failed to treat those ladies1 whom to serve would have been a great honour for me1 with as much freedom as if ,i had been their equal4 #e4 ,i derived very great advantages from this1 and ,i said so4 ,i saw that she was a woman1 and as much liable to passion and weakness as ,i was2 that rank is of little worth1 and the higher it is1 the greater the anxiety and trouble it brings4 ,people must be careful of the dignity of their state1 which will not suffer them to live at ease2 they must eat at fixed hours and by rule1 for everything must be according to their state1 and not according to their constitutions2 and they have frequently to take food fitted more for their state than for their liking4 #f4 ,so it was that ,i came to hate the very wish to be a great lady4 ,god deliver me from this wicked1 artificial life6--though ,i believe that this lady1 notwithstanding that she was one of the chief personages of the realm1 was a woman of great simplicity1 and that few were more humble than she was4 ,i was very sorry for her1 for ,i saw how often she had to submit to much that was disagreeable to her1 because of the requirements of her rank4 ,then1 as to servants1 though this lady had very good servants1 how slight is that little trust that may be put in them6 ,one must not be conversed with more than another2 otherwise1 he who is so favoured is envied by the rest4 ,this of itself is a slavery1 and one of the lies of the world is that it calls such persons masters1 who1 in my eyes1 are nothing else but slaves in a thousand ways4 #g4 ,it was our ,lord's pleasure that the household of that lady improved in the service of ,his ,majesty during my stay there1 though ,i was not exempted from some trials and some jealousies on the part of some of its members1 because of the great affection their mistress had for me4 ,they perhaps must have thought ,i had some personal interest to serve4 ,our ,lord must have permitted such matters1 and others of the same kind1 to give me trouble1 in order that ,i might not be absorbed in the comforts which otherwise ,i had there2 and ,he was pleased to deliver me out of it all with great profit to my soul4 #h4 ,when ,i was there1 a religious person of great consideration1 and with whom ,i had conversed occasionally some years ago1 #b happened to arrive4 ,when ,i was at ,mass1 in a monastery of his ,order1 near the house in which ,i was staying1 ,i felt a longing to know the state of his soul1--for ,i wished him to be a great servant of ,god1--and ,i rose up in order to go and speak to him4 ,but as ,i was then recollected in prayer1 it seemed to me a waste of time--for what had ,i to do in that matter8--and so ,i returned to my place4 ,three times1 ,i think ,i did this1 and at last my good angel prevailed over the evil one1 and ,i went and asked for him2 and he came to speak to me in one of the confessionals4 ,we began by asking one another of our past lives1 for we had not seen one another for many years4 ,i told him that my life had been one in which my soul had had many trials4 ,he insisted much on my telling him what those trials were4 ,i said that they were not to be told1 and that ,i was not to tell them4 ,he replied that the ,dominican father1 #c of whom ,i have spoken1 knew them1 and that1 as they were great friends1 he could learn them from him1 and so ,i had better tell them without hesitation4 #i4 ,the fact is1 that it was not in his power not to insist1 nor in mine1 ,i believe1 to refuse to speak2 for notwithstanding all the trouble and shame ,i used to feel formerly1 ,i spoke of my state1 to him1 and to the rector whom ,i have referred to before1 #d without any difficulty whatever2 on the contrary1 it was a great consolation to me2 and so ,i told him all in confession4 ,he seemed to me then more prudent than ever2 though ,i had always looked upon him as a man of great understanding4 ,i considered what high gifts and endowments for great services he had1 if he gave himself wholly unto ,god4 ,i had this feeling now for many years1 so that ,i never saw any one who pleased me much without wishing at once he were given wholly unto ,god2 and sometimes ,i feel this so keenly1 that ,i can hardly contain myself4 ,though ,i long to see everybody serve ,god1 yet my desire about those who please me is very vehement1 and so ,i importune our ,lord on their behalf4 #aj4 ,so it happened with respect to this religious4 ,he asked me to pray much for him to ,god4 ,there was no necessity for his doing so1 because ,i could not do anything else1 and so ,i went back to my place where ,i was in the habit of praying alone1 and began to pray to our ,lord1 being extremely recollected1 in that my simple1 silly way1 when ,i speak without knowing very often what ,i am saying4 ,it is love that speaks1 and my soul is so beside itself1 that ,i do not regard the distance between it and ,god4 ,that love which ,i know ,his ,majesty has for it makes it forget itself1 and think itself to be one with ,him2 and so1 as being one with ,him1 and not divided from ,him1 the soul speaks foolishly4 ,when ,i had prayed with many tears that the soul of this religious might serve ,him truly1--for1 though ,i considered it good1 it was not enough for me2 ,i would have it much better1--,i remember ,i said1 ,o ,lord1 ,thou must not refuse me this grace2 behold him1--he is a fit person to be our friend4 #aa4 ,oh1 the great goodness and compassion of ,god6 ,how ,he regards not the words1 but the desire and the will with which they are spoken6 ,how ,he suffered such a one as ,i am to speak so boldly before ,his ,majesty6 ,may ,he be blessed for evermore6 #ab4 ,i remember that during those hours of prayer on that very night ,i was extremely distressed by the thought whether ,i was in the grace of ,god1 and that ,i could never know whether ,i was so or not1--not that ,i wished to know it2 ,i wished1 however1 to die1 in order that ,i might not live a life in which ,i was not sure that ,i was not dead in sin1 for there could be no death more dreadful for me than to think that ,i had sinned against ,god4 ,i was in great straits at this thought4 ,i implored ,him not to suffer me to fall into sin1 with great sweetness1 dissolved in tears4 ,then ,i heard that ,i might console myself1 and trust #e that ,i was in a state of grace1 because a love of ,god like mine1 together with the graces and feelings with which ,his ,majesty filled my soul1 was of such a nature as to be inconsistent with a state of mortal sin4 #ac4 ,i was now confident that our ,lord would grant my prayer as to that religious4 ,he bade me repeat certain words to him4 ,this ,i felt much1 because ,i knew not how to speak to him2 for this carrying messages to a third person1 as ,i have said1 #f is what ,i have always felt the most1 especially when ,i did not know how that person would take them1 nor whether he would not laugh at me4 ,this placed me in great difficulties1 but at last ,i was so convinced ,i ought to do it1 that ,i believe ,i made a promise to ,god ,i would not neglect that message2 and because of the great shame ,i felt1 ,i wrote it out1 and gave it in that way4 ,the result showed clearly enough that it was a message from ,god1 for that religious resolved with great earnestness to give himself to prayer1 though he did not do so at once4 ,our ,lord would have him for ,himself1 so ,he sent me to tell him certain truths which1 without my understanding them1 were so much to the purpose that he was astonished4 ,our ,lord must have prepared him to receive them as from ,his ,majesty2 and though ,i am but a miserable sinner myself1 yet ,i made many supplications to our ,lord to convert him thoroughly1 and to make him hate the pleasures and the things of this life4 ,and so he did--blessed be ,god6--for every time that he spoke to me ,i was in a manner beside myself2 and if ,i had not seen it1 ,i should never have believed that our ,lord would have given him in so short a time graces so matured1 and filled him so full of ,god1 that he seemed to be alive to nothing on earth4 #ad4 ,may ,his ,majesty hold him in ,his hand6 ,if he will go on--and ,i trust in our ,lord he will do so1 now that he is so well grounded in the knowledge of himself--he will be one of the most distinguished servants of ,god1 to the great profit of many souls1 because he has in a short time had great experience in spiritual things3 that is a gift of ,god1 which ,he gives when ,he will and as ,he will1 and it depends not on length of time nor extent of service4 ,i do not mean that time and service1 are not great helps1 but very often our ,lord will not give to some in twenty years the grace of contemplation1 while ,he gives it to others in one1--,his ,majesty knoweth why4 ,we are under a delusion when we think that in the course of years we shall come to the knowledge of that which we can in no way attain to but by experience2 and thus many are in error1 as ,i have said #g when they would understand spirituality without being spiritual themselves4 ,i do not mean that a man who is not spiritual1 if he is learned1 may not direct one that is spiritual2 but it must be understood that in outward and inward things1 in the order of nature1 the direction must be an act of reason2 and in supernatural things1 according to the teaching of the sacred writings4 ,in other matters1 let him not distress himself1 nor think that he can understand that which he understandeth not2 neither let him quench the ,spirit2 #h for now another ,master1 greater than he1 is directing these souls1 so that they are not left without authority over them4 #ae4 ,he must not be astonished at this1 nor think it impossible3 all things are possible to our ,lord2 #i he must strive rather to strengthen his faith1 and humble himself1 because in this matter our ,lord imparts perhaps a deeper knowledge to some old woman than to him1 though he may be a very learned man4 ,being thus humble1 he will profit souls and himself more than if he affected to be a contemplative without being so2 for1 ,i repeat it1 if he have no experience1 if he have not a most profound humility1 whereby he may see that he does not understand1 and that the thing is not for that reason impossible1 he will do himself but little good1 and still less to his penitent4 ,but if he is humble1 let him have no fear that our ,lord will allow either the one or the other to fall into delusion4 #af4 ,now as to this father ,i am speaking of1 as our ,lord has given him light in many things1 so has he laboured to find out by study that which in this matter can be by study ascertained2 for he is a very learned man1 and that of which he has no experience himself he seeks to find out from those who have it1--and our ,lord helps him by increasing his faith1 and so he has greatly benefited himself and some other souls1 of whom mine is one4 ,as our ,lord knew the trials ,i had to undergo1 ,his ,majesty seems to have provided that1 when ,he took away unto ,himself some of those who directed me1 others might remain1 who helped me in my great afflictions1 and rendered me great services4 #ag4 ,our ,lord wrought a complete change in this father1 so much so that he scarcely knew himself1 so to speak4 ,he has given him bodily health1 so that he may do penance1 such as he never had before2 for he was sickly4 ,he has given him courage to undertake good works1 with other gifts1 so that he seems to have received a most special vocation from our ,lord4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever6 #ah4 ,all these blessings1 ,i believe1 came to him through the graces our ,lord bestowed upon him in prayer2 for they are real4 ,it has been our ,lord's pleasure already to try him in certain difficulties1 out of which he has come forth like one who knows the true worth of that merit which is gained by suffering persecutions4 ,i trust in the munificence of our ,lord that great good will1 by his means1 accrue to some of his ,order and to the ,order itself4 ,this is beginning to be understood4 ,i have had great visions on the subject1 and our ,lord has told me wonderful things of him and of the ,rector of the ,society of ,jesus1 whom ,i am speaking of1 #aj and also of two other religious of the ,order of ,st4 ,dominic1 particularly of one who1 to his own profit1 has actually learned of our ,lord certain things which ,i had formerly understood of him4 ,but there were greater things made known of him to whom ,i am now referring3 one of them ,i will now relate4 #ai4 ,i was with him once in the parlour1 when in my soul and spirit ,i felt what great love burned within him1 and became as it were lost in ecstasy by considering the greatness of ,god1 who had raised that soul in so short a time to a state so high4 ,it made me ashamed of myself when ,i saw him listen with so much humility to what ,i was saying about certain matters of prayer1 when ,i had so little myself that ,i could speak on the subject to one like him4 ,our ,lord must have borne with me in this on account of the great desire ,i had to see that religious making great progress4 ,my interview with him did me great good1--it seems as if it left a new fire in my soul1 burning with desire to serve our ,lord as in the beginning4 ,o my ,jesus6 what is a soul on fire with ,thy love6 ,how we ought to prize it1 and implore our ,lord to let it live long upon earth6 ,he who has this love should follow after such souls1 if it be possible4 #bj4 ,it is a great thing for a person ill of this disease to find another struck down by it1--it comforts him much to see that he is not alone2 they help one another greatly to suffer and to merit4 ,they are strong with a double strength who are resolved to risk a thousand lives for ,god1 and who long for an opportunity of losing them4 ,they are like soldiers who1 to acquire booty1 and therewith enrich themselves1 wish for war1 knowing well that they cannot become rich without it4 ,this is their work--to suffer4 ,oh1 what a blessing it is when our ,lord gives light to understand how great is the gain of suffering for ,him6 ,this is never understood till we have left all things2 for if anybody is attached to any one thing1 that is a proof that he sets some value upon it2 and if he sets any value upon it1 it is painful to be compelled to give it up4 ,in that case1 everything is imperfect and lost4 ,the saying is to the purpose here1--he who follows what is lost1 is lost himself2 and what greater loss1 what greater blindness1 what greater calamity1 can there be than making much of that which is nothing6 #ba4 ,i now return to that which ,i had begun to speak of4 ,i was in the greatest joy1 beholding that soul4 ,it seemed as if our ,lord would have me see clearly the treasures ,he had laid up in it2 and so1 when ,i considered the favour our ,lord had shown me1 in that ,i should be the means of so great a good1 ,i recognised my own unworthiness for such an end4 ,i thought much of the graces our ,lord had given him1 and held myself as indebted for them more than if they had been given to myself4 ,so ,i gave thanks to our ,lord1 when ,i saw that ,his ,majesty had fulfilled my desires and heard my petition that ,he would raise up persons like him4 ,and now my soul1 no longer able to bear the joy that filled it1 went forth out of itself1 losing itself that it might gain the more4 ,it lost sight of the reflections it was making2 and the hearing of that divine language which the ,holy ,ghost seemed to speak threw me into a deep trance1 which almost deprived me of all sense1 though it did not last long4 ,i saw ,christ1 in exceeding great majesty and glory1 manifesting ,his joy at what was then passing4 ,he told me as much1 and it was ,his pleasure that ,i should clearly see that ,he was always present at similar interviews1 and how much ,he was pleased when people thus found their delight in speaking of ,him4 #bb4 ,on another occasion1 when far away from this place1 ,i saw him carried by angels in great glory4 ,i understood by that vision that his soul was making great progress3 so it was2 for an evil report was spread abroad against him by one to whom he had rendered a great service1 and whose reputation and whose soul he had saved4 ,he bore it with much joy4 ,he did also other things greatly to the honour of ,god1 and underwent more persecutions4 ,i do not think it expedient now to speak further on this point2 if1 however1 you1 my father1 who know all1 should hereafter think otherwise1 more might be said to the glory of our ,lord4 #bc4 ,all the prophecies spoken of before1 #aa relating to this house1 as well as others1 of which ,i shall speak hereafter1 relating to it and to other matters1 have been accomplished4 ,some of them our ,lord revealed to me three years before they became known1 others earlier and others later4 ,but ,i always made them known to my confessor1 and to the widow my friend2 for ,i had leave to communicate with her1 as ,i said before4 #ab ,she1 ,i know1 repeated them to others1 and these know that ,i lie not4 ,may ,god never permit me1 in any matter whatever1--much more in things of this importance1--to say anything but the whole truth6 #bd4 ,one of my brothers-in-law #ac died suddenly2 and as ,i was in great distress at this1 because he had no opportunity of making his confession1 our ,lord said to me in prayer that my sister also was to die in the same way2 that ,i must go to her1 and make her prepare herself for such an end4 ,i told this to my confessor2 but as he would not let me go1 ,i heard the same warning again2 and now1 when he saw this1 he told me ,i might go1 and that ,i should lose nothing by going4 ,my sister was living in the country2 and as ,i did not tell her why ,i came1 ,i gave her what light ,i could in all things4 ,i made her go frequently to confession1 and look to her soul in everything4 ,she was very good1 and did as ,i asked her4 ,four or five years after she had begun this practice1 and keeping a strict watch over her conscience1 she died1 with nobody near her1 and without being able to go to confession4 ,this was a blessing to her1 for it was little more than a week since she had been to her accustomed confession4 ,it was a great joy to me when ,i heard of her death4 ,she was but a short time in purgatory4 #be4 ,i do not think it was quite eight days afterwards when1 after ,communion1 our ,lord appeared to me1 and was pleased that ,i should see ,him receive my sister into glory4 ,during all those years1 after our ,lord had spoken to me1 until her death1 what ,i then learnt with respect to her was never forgotten either by myself or by my friend1 who1 when my sister was thus dead1 came to me in great amazement at the fulfilment of the prophecy4 ,god be praised for ever1 who takes such care of souls that they may not be lost6 #a4 ,doa ,luisa de la ,cerda1 sister of the ,duke of ,medina-,coeli1 was now the widow of ,arias ,pardo1 ,marshal of ,castille1 ,lord of ,malagon and ,paracuellos4 ,don ,arias was nephew of ,cardinal ,tabera1 ,archbishop of ,toledo 7,de la ,fuente74 #b4 ,f4 ,vicente ,barron1 ,dominican 7see ch4 v4 #h71 according to ,f4 ,bouix1 on the authority of ,ribera and ,yepez2 but the ,carmelite ,father1 ,fr4 ,antonio of ,st4 ,joseph1 in his note on the first ,fragment 7,letters1 vol4 iv4 p4 #djh71 says that it was ,fr4 ,garcia of ,toledo1 brother of ,don ,fernando1 ,duke of ,alva2 and ,don ,vicente de la ,fuente thinks the opinion of ,fr4 ,antonio the more probable4 #c4 ,pedro ,ibaez 7,bouix74 #d4 ,ch4 xxxiii4 #aa4 #e4 ,father ,bouix says that here the word confiar1 trust1 in the printed text1 has been substituted by some one for the words estar cierta1 be certain1 which he found in the ,,ms4 ,but ,don ,vicente de la ,fuente retains the old reading confiar1 and makes no observation on the alleged discrepancy between the ,,ms4 and the printed text4 ,the observation of ,f4 ,bouix1 however1 is more important1 and deserves credit1--for ,don ,vicente may have failed1 through mere inadvertence1 to see what ,f4 ,bouix saw2 and it is also to be remembered that ,don ,vicente does not say that the ,,ms4 on this point has been so closely inspected as to throw any doubt on the positive testimony of ,f4 ,bouix4 ,six years after this note was written ,don ,vicente published a facsimile by photography of the original text in the handwriting of the ,saint1 preserved in the ,escurial4 ,the words are not confiar1 but estar cierta4 #f4 ,ch4 xxxiii4 #ab4 #g4 ,ch4 xiv4 #aj4 #h4 #a ,thess4 v4 #ai3 ,spiritum nolite extinguere4 #i4 ,st4 ,matt4 xix4 #bf3 ,apud ,deum autem omnia possibilia sunt4 #aj4 ,f4 ,gaspar de ,salazar4 #aa4 ,ch4 xxvi4 #c4 #ab4 ,ch4 xxx4 #c4 ,doa ,guiomar de ,ulloa4 #ac4 ,don ,martin de ,guzman y ,barrientos1 husband of ,maria de ,cepeda1 the ,saint's sister4 ,chapter ,,xxxv4 ,the ,foundation of the ,house of ,st4 ,joseph4 ,the ,observation of ,holy ,poverty ,therein4 ,how the ,saint ,left ,toledo4 #a4 ,when ,i was staying with this lady1 #a already spoken of1 in whose house ,i remained more than six months1 our ,lord ordained that a holy woman #b of our ,order should hear of me1 who was more than seventy leagues away from the place4 ,she happened to travel this way1 and went some leagues out of her road that she might see me4 ,our ,lord had moved her in the same year1 and in the same month of the year1 that ,he had moved me1 to found another monastery of the ,order2 and as ,he had given her this desire1 she sold all she possessed1 and went to ,rome to obtain the necessary faculties4 ,she went on foot1 and barefooted4 ,she is a woman of great penance and prayer1 and one to whom our ,lord gave many graces2 and our ,lady appeared to her1 and commanded her to undertake this work4 ,her progress in the service of our ,lord was so much greater than mine1 that ,i was ashamed to stand in her presence4 ,she showed me ,briefs she brought from ,rome1 and during the fortnight she remained with me we laid our plan for the founding of these monasteries4 #b4 ,until ,i spoke to her1 ,i never knew that our rule1 before it was mitigated1 required of us that we should possess nothing2 #c nor was ,i going to found a monastery without revenue1 #d for my intention was that we should be without anxiety about all that was necessary for us1 and ,i did not think of the many anxieties which the possession of property brings in its train4 ,this holy woman1 taught of our ,lord1 perfectly understood--though she could not read--what ,i was ignorant of1 notwithstanding my having read the ,constitutions #e so often2 and when she told me of it1 ,i thought it right1 though ,i feared they would never consent to this1 but would tell me ,i was committing follies1 and that ,i ought not to do anything whereby ,i might bring suffering upon others4 ,if this concerned only myself1 nothing should have kept me back1--on the contrary1 it would have been my great joy to think that ,i was observing the counsels of ,christ our ,lord2 for ,his ,majesty had already given me great longings for poverty4 #f #c4 ,as for myself1 ,i never doubted that this was the better part2 for ,i had now for some time wished it were possible in my state to go about begging1 for the love of ,god--to have no house of my own1 nor anything else4 ,but ,i was afraid that others--if our ,lord did not give them the same desire--might live in discontent4 ,moreover1 ,i feared that it might be the cause of some distraction3 for ,i knew some poor monasteries not very recollected1 and ,i did not consider that their not being recollected was the cause of their poverty1 and that their poverty was not the cause of their distraction3 distraction never makes people richer1 and ,god never fails those who serve ,him4 ,in short1 ,i was weak in faith2 but not so this servant of ,god4 #d4 ,as ,i took the advice of many in everything1 ,i found scarcely any one of this opinion--neither my confessor1 nor the learned men to whom ,i spoke of it4 ,they gave me so many reasons the other way1 that ,i did not know what to do4 ,but when ,i saw what the rule required1 and that poverty was the more perfect way1 ,i could not persuade myself to allow an endowment4 ,and though they did persuade me now and then that they were right1 yet1 when ,i returned to my prayer1 and saw ,christ on the cross1 so poor and destitute1 ,i could not bear to be rich1 and ,i implored ,him with tears so to order matters that ,i might be poor as ,he was4 #e4 ,i found that so many inconveniences resulted from an endowment1 and saw that it was the cause of so much trouble1 and even distraction1 that ,i did nothing but dispute with the learned4 ,i wrote to that ,dominican friar #g who was helping us1 and he sent back two sheets by way of reply1 full of objections and theology against my plan1 telling me that he had thought much on the subject4 ,i answered that1 in order to escape from my vocation1 the vow of poverty ,i had made1 and the perfect observance of the counsels of ,christ1 ,i did not want any theology to help me1 and in this case ,i should not thank him for his learning4 ,if ,i found any one who would help me1 it pleased me much4 ,the lady in whose house ,i was staying was a great help to me in this matter4 ,some at first told me that they agreed with me2 afterwards1 when they had considered the matter longer1 they found in it so many inconveniences that they insisted on my giving it up4 ,i told them that1 though they changed their opinion so quickly1 ,i would abide by the first4 #f4 ,at this time1 because of my entreaties1--for the lady had never seen the holy friar1 ,peter of ,alcantara1--it pleased our ,lord to bring him to her house4 ,as he was a great lover of poverty1 and had lived in it for so many years1 he knew well the treasures it contains1 and so he was a great help to me2 he charged me on no account whatever to give up my purpose4 ,now1 having this opinion and sanction1--no one was better able to give it1 because he knew what it was by long experience1--,i made up my mind to seek no further advice4 #g4 ,one day1 when ,i was very earnestly commending the matter to ,god1 our ,lord told me that ,i must by no means give up my purpose of founding the monastery in poverty2 it was ,his will1 and the will of ,his ,father3 ,he would help me4 ,i was in a trance2 and the effects were such1 that ,i could have no doubt it came from ,god4 ,on another occasion1 ,he said to me that endowments bred confusion1 with other things in praise of poverty2 and assured me that whosoever served ,him would never be in want of the necessary means of living3 and this want1 as ,i have said1 #h ,i never feared myself4 ,our ,lord changed the dispositions also of the licentiate1--,i am speaking of the ,dominican friar1 #i--who1 as ,i said1 wrote to me that ,i should not found the monastery without an endowment4 ,now1 ,i was in the greatest joy at hearing this2 and having these opinions in my favour1 it seemed to me nothing less than the possession of all the wealth of the world1 when ,i had resolved to live in poverty for the love of ,god4 #h4 ,at this time1 my ,provincial withdrew the order and the obedience1 in virtue of which ,i was staying in that house4 #aj ,he left it to me to do as ,i liked3 if ,i wished to return ,i might do so2 if ,i wished to remain ,i might also do so for a certain time4 ,but during that time the elections in my monastery #aa would take place and ,i was told that many of the nuns wished to lay on me the burden of superiorship4 ,the very thought of this alone was a great torment to me2 for though ,i was resolved to undergo readily any kind of martyrdom for ,god1 ,i could not persuade myself at all to accept this2 for1 putting aside the great trouble it involved1--because the nuns were so many1--and other reasons1 such as that ,i never wished for it1 nor for any other office1--on the contrary1 had always refused them1--it seemed to me that my conscience would be in great danger2 and so ,i praised ,god that ,i was not then in my convent4 ,i wrote to my friends and asked them not to vote for me4 #i4 ,when ,i was rejoicing that ,i was not in that trouble1 our ,lord said to me that ,i was on no account to keep away2 that as ,i longed for a cross1 there was one ready for me1 and that a heavy one3 that ,i was not to throw it away1 but go on with resolution2 ,he would help me1 and ,i must go at once4 ,i was very much distressed1 and did nothing but weep1 because ,i thought that my cross was to be the office of prioress2 and1 as ,i have just said1 ,i could not persuade myself that it would be at all good for my soul--nor could ,i see any means by which it would be4 ,i told my confessor of it1 and he commanded me to return at once3 that to do so was clearly the most perfect way2 and that1 because the heat was very great1--it would be enough if ,i arrived before the election1--,i might wait a few days1 in order that my journey might do me no harm4 #aj4 ,but our ,lord had ordered it otherwise4 ,i had to go at once1 because the uneasiness ,i felt was very great2 and ,i was unable to pray1 and thought ,i was failing in obedience to the commandments of our ,lord1 and that as ,i was happy and contented where ,i was1 ,i would not go to meet trouble4 ,all my service of ,god there was lip-service3 why did ,i1 having the opportunity of living in greater perfection1 neglect it8 ,if ,i died on the road1 let me die4 ,besides1 my soul was in great straits1 and our ,lord had taken from me all sweetness in prayer4 ,in short1 ,i was in such a state of torment1 that ,i begged the lady to let me go2 for my confessor1 when he saw the plight ,i was in1 had already told me to go1 ,god having moved him as ,he had moved me4 ,the lady felt my departure very much1 and that was another pain to bear2 for it had cost her much trouble1 and diverse importunities of the ,provincial1 to have me in her house4 #aa4 ,i considered it a very great thing for her to have given her consent1 when she felt it so much2 but1 as she was a person who feared ,god exceedingly1--and as ,i told her1 among many other reasons1 that my going away tended greatly to ,his service1 and held out the hope that ,i might possibly return1--she gave way1 but with much sorrow4 ,i was now not sorry myself at coming away1 for ,i knew that it was an act of greater perfection1 and for the service of ,god4 ,so the pleasure ,i had in pleasing ,god took away the pain of quitting that lady1--whom ,i saw suffering so keenly1--and others to whom ,i owed much1 particularly my confessor of the ,society of ,jesus1 in whom ,i found all ,i needed4 ,but the greater the consolations ,i lost for our ,lord's sake1 the greater was my joy in losing them4 ,i could not understand it1 for ,i had a clear consciousness of these two contrary feelings--pleasure1 consolation1 and joy in that which weighed down my soul with sadness4 ,i was joyful and tranquil1 and had opportunities of spending many hours in prayer2 and ,i saw that ,i was going to throw myself into a fire2 for our ,lord had already told me that ,i was going to carry a heavy cross1--though ,i never thought it would be so heavy as ,i afterwards found it to be1--yet ,i went forth rejoicing4 ,i was distressed because ,i had not already begun the fight1 since it was our ,lord's will that ,i should be in it4 ,thus ,his ,majesty gave me strength1 and established it in my weakness4 #ab #ab4 ,as ,i have just said1 ,i could not understand how this could be4 ,i thought of this illustration3 if ,i were possessed of a jewel1 or any other thing which gave me great pleasure1 and it came to my knowledge that a person whom ,i loved more than myself1 and whose satisfaction ,i preferred to my own1 wished to have it1 it would give me great pleasure to deprive myself of it1 because ,i would give all ,i possessed to please that person4 ,now1 as the pleasure of giving pleasure to that person surpasses any pleasure ,i have in that jewel myself1 ,i should not be distressed in giving away that or anything else ,i loved1 nor at the loss of that pleasure which the possession of it gave me4 ,so now1 though ,i wished to feel some distress when ,i saw that those whom ,i was leaving felt my going so much1 yet1 notwithstanding my naturally grateful disposition1--which1 under other circumstances1 would have been enough to have caused me great pain1--at this time1 though ,i wished to feel it1 ,i could feel none4 #ac4 ,the delay of another day was so serious a matter in the affairs of this holy house1 that ,i know not how they would have been settled if ,i had waited4 ,oh1 ,god is great6 ,i am often lost in wonder when ,i consider and see the special help which ,his ,majesty gave me towards the establishment of this little cell of ,god1--for such ,i believe it to be1--the lodging wherein ,his ,majesty delights2 for once1 when ,i was in prayer1 ,he told me that this house was the paradise of his delight4 #ac ,it seems1 then1 that ,his ,majesty has chosen these whom he has drawn hither1 among whom ,i am living very much ashamed of myself4 #ad ,i could not have even wished for souls such as they are for the purpose of this house1 where enclosure1 poverty1 and prayer are so strictly observed2 they submit with so much joy and contentment1 that every one of them thinks herself unworthy of the grace of being received into it1--some of them particularly2 for our ,lord has called them out of the vanity and dissipation of the world1 in which1 according to its laws1 they might have lived contented4 ,our ,lord has multiplied their joy1 so that they see clearly how ,he had given them a hundredfold for the one thing they have left1 #ae and for which they cannot thank ,his ,majesty enough4 ,others ,he has advanced from well to better4 ,to the young ,he gives courage and knowledge1 so that they may desire nothing else1 and also to understand that to live away from all things in this life is to live in greater peace even here below4 ,to those who are no longer young1 and whose health is weak1 ,he gives--and has given--the strength to undergo the same austerities and penance with all the others4 #ad4 ,o my ,lord6 how ,thou dost show ,thy power6 ,there is no need to seek reasons for ,thy will2 for with ,thee1 against all natural reason1 all things are possible3 so that thou teachest clearly there is no need of anything but of loving ,thee #af in earnest1 and really giving up everything for ,thee1 in order that ,thou1 ,o my ,lord1 might make everything easy4 ,it is well said that ,thou feignest to make ,thy law difficult3 #ag ,i do not see it1 nor do ,i feel that the way that leadeth unto ,thee is narrow4 ,i see it as a royal road1 and not a pathway2 a road upon which whosoever really enters1 travels most securely4 ,no mountain passes and no cliffs are near it3 these are the occasions of sin4 ,i call that a pass1--a dangerous pass1--and a narrow road1 which has on one side a deep hollow1 into which one stumbles1 and on the other a precipice1 over which they who are careless fall1 and are dashed to pieces4 ,he who loves ,thee1 ,o my ,god1 travels safely by the open and royal road1 far away from the precipice3 he has scarcely stumbled at all1 when ,thou stretchest forth ,thy hand to save him4 ,one fall--yea1 many falls--if he does but love ,thee1 and not the things of the world1 are not enough to make him perish2 he travels in the valley of humility4 ,i cannot understand what it is that makes men afraid of the way of perfection4 #ae4 ,may our ,lord of ,his mercy make us see what a poor security we have in the midst of dangers so manifest1 when we live like the rest of the world2 and that true security consists in striving to advance in the way of ,god6 ,let us fix our eyes upon ,him1 and have no fear that the ,sun of justice will ever set1 or suffer us to travel to our ruin by night1 unless we first look away from ,him4 ,people are not afraid of living in the midst of lions1 every one of whom seems eager to tear them3 ,i am speaking of honours1 pleasures1 and the like joys1 as the world calls them3 and herein the devil seems to make us afraid of ghosts4 ,i am astonished a thousand times1 and ten thousand times would ,i relieve myself by weeping1 and proclaim aloud my own great blindness and wickedness1 if1 perchance1 it might help in some measure to open their eyes4 ,may ,he1 who is almighty1 of ,his goodness open their eyes1 and never suffer mine to be blind again6 #a4 ,doa ,luisa de la ,cerda4 #b4 ,maria of ,jesus was the daughter of a ,reporter of ,causes in the ,chancery of ,granada2 but his name and that of his wife are not known4 ,maria married1 but became a widow soon afterwards4 ,she then became a novice in the ,carmelite monastery in ,granada1 and during her noviciate had revelations1 like those of ,st4 ,teresa1 about a reform of the ,order4 ,her confessor made light of her revelations1 and she then referred them to ,f4 ,gaspar de ,salazar1 a confessor of ,st4 ,teresa1 who was then in ,granada4 ,he approved of them1 and ,maria left the noviciate1 and went to ,rome with two holy women of the ,order of ,st4 ,francis4 ,the three made the journey on foot1 and1 moreover1 barefooted4 ,pope ,pius ,,iv4 heard her prayer1 and1 looking at her torn and bleeding feet1 said to her1 ,woman of strong courage1 let it be as thou wilt4 ,she returned to ,granada1 but both the ,carmelites and the city refused her permission to found her house there1 and some went so far as to threaten to have her publicly whipped4 ,doa ,leonor de ,mascareas gave her a house in ,alcala de ,henares1 of which she took possession ,sept4 #aa1 #aefb2 but the house was formally constituted ,july #bc1 #aefc1 and subjected to the ,bishop ten days after 7,reforma1 i4 c4 #ei2 and ,don ,vicente1 vol4 i4 p4 #bee74 ,the latter says that the ,chronicler is in error when he asserts that this monastery of ,maria of ,jesus was endowed4 #c4 ,the sixth chapter of the rule is3 ,nullus fratrum sibi aliquid proprium1 esse dicat1 sed sint vobis omnia communia4 #d4 ,see ch4 xxxii4 #ac4 #e4 ,the ,constitutions which the ,saint read in the ,monastery of the ,incarnation must have been the ,constitutions grounded on the ,mitigated ,rule which was sanctioned by ,eugenius ,,iv4 7,romani ,pontificis1 ,a4,d4 #adcb74 #f4 ,see ,relation1 i4 #aj4 #g4 ,f4 ,pedro ,ibaez4 #h4 ,ch4 xi4 #c4 #i4 ,f4 ,pedro ,ibaez4 #aj4 ,the house of ,doa ,luisa1 in ,toledo4 #aa4 ,the monastery of the ,incarnation1 ,avila4 #ab4 #b ,cor4 xii4 #i3 ,virtus in infirmitate perficitur4 #ac4 ,see ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 xxii42 but ch4 xiii4 ed4 ,doblado4 #ad4 ,see ,foundations1 ch4 ,i1 #a4 #ae4 ,st4 ,matt4 xix4 #bi3 ,et omnis qui reliquerit domum 4 4 4 propter nomen ,meum1 centuplum accipiet1 et vitam ternam possidebit4 #af4 ,when the workmen were busy with the building1 a nephew of the ,saint1 the child of her sister and ,don ,juan de ,ovalle1 was struck by some falling stones and killed4 ,the workmen took the child to his mother3 and the ,saint1 then in the house of ,doa ,guiomar de ,ulloa1 was sent for4 ,doa ,guiomar took the dead boy into her arms1 gave him to the ,saint1 saying that it was a grievous blow to the father and mother1 and that she must obtain his life from ,god4 ,the ,saint took the body1 and1 laying it in her lap1 ordered those around her to cease their lamentations1 of whom her sister was naturally the loudest1 and be silent4 ,then1 covering her face and her body with her veil1 she prayed to ,god1 and ,god gave the child his life again4 ,the little boy soon after ran up to his aunt and thanked her for what she had done4 ,in after years the child used to say to the ,saint that1 as she had deprived him of the bliss of heaven by bringing him back to life1 she was bound to see that he did not suffer loss4 ,don ,gonzalo died three years after ,st4 ,teresa1 when he was twenty-eight years of age 7,reforma1 i4 c4 #db1 #b74 #ag4 ,psalm xciii4 #bj3 ,qui fingis laborem in prcepto4 ,chapter ,,xxxvi4 ,the ,foundation of the ,monastery of ,st4 ,joseph4 ,persecution and ,temptations4 ,great ,interior ,trial of the ,saint1 and ,her ,deliverance4 #a4 ,having now left that city1 #a ,i travelled in great joy1 resolved to suffer most willingly whatever our ,lord might be pleased to lay upon me4 ,on the night of my arrival here1 #b came also from ,rome the commission and the ,brief for the erection of the monastery4 #c ,i was astonished myself1 and so were those who knew how our ,lord hastened my coming1 when they saw how necessary it was1 and in what a moment our ,lord had brought me back4 #d ,i found here the ,bishop and the holy friar1 #e ,peter of ,alcantara1 and that nobleman1 #f the great servant of ,god1 in whose house the holy man was staying2 for he was a man who was in the habit of receiving the servants of ,god in his house4 ,these two prevailed on the ,bishop to accept the monastery1 which was no small thing1 because it was founded in poverty2 but he was so great a lover of those whom he saw determined to serve our ,lord1 that he was immediately drawn to give them ,his protection4 ,it was the approbation of the holy old man1 #g and the great trouble he took to make now this one1 now that one1 help us1 that did the whole work4 ,if ,i had not come at the moment1 as ,i have just said1 ,i do not see how it could have been done2 for the holy man was here but a short time1--,i think not quite eight days1--during which he was also ill2 and almost immediately afterwards our ,lord took him to ,himself4 #h ,it seems as if ,his ,majesty reserved him till this affair was ended1 because now for some time--,i think for more than two years--he had been very ill4 #b4 ,everything was done in the utmost secrecy2 and if it had not been so1 ,i do not see how anything could have been done at all2 for the people of the city were against us1 as it appeared afterwards4 ,our ,lord ordained that one of my brothers-in-law #i should be ill1 and his wife away1 and himself in such straits that my superiors gave me leave to remain with him4 ,nothing1 therefore1 was found out1 though some persons had their suspicions2--still1 they did not believe4 ,it was very wonderful1 for his illness lasted only no longer than was necessary for our affair2 and when it was necessary he should recover his health1 that ,i might be disengaged1 and he leave the house empty1 our ,lord restored him2 and he was astonished at it himself4 #aj #c4 ,i had much trouble in persuading this person and that to allow the foundation2 ,i had to nurse the sick man1 and obtain from the workmen the hasty preparation of the house1 so that it might have the form of a monastery2 but much remained still to be done4 ,my friend was not here1 #aa for we thought it best she should be away1 in order the better to hide our purpose4 ,i saw that everything depended on haste1 for many1 reasons1 one of which was that ,i was afraid ,i might be ordered back to my monastery at any moment4 ,i was troubled by so many things1 that ,i suspected my cross had been sent me1 though it seemed but a light one in comparison with that which ,i understood our ,lord meant me to carry4 #d4 ,when everything was settled1 our ,lord was pleased that some of us should take the habit on ,st4 ,bartholomew's ,day4 ,the most ,holy ,sacrament began to dwell in the house at the same time4 #ab ,with full sanction and authority1 then1 our monastery of our most glorious father ,st4 ,joseph was founded in the year #aefb4 #ac ,i was there myself to give the habit1 with two nuns #ad of the house to which we belonged1 who happened then to be absent from it4 ,as the house which thus became a monastery was that of my brother-in-law--,i said before #ae that he had bought it1 for the purpose of concealing our plan--,i was there myself with the permission of my superiors2 and ,i did nothing without the advice of learned men1 in order that ,i might not break1 in a single point1 my vow of obedience4 ,as these persons considered what ,i was doing to be most advantageous for the whole ,order1 on many accounts1 they told me--though ,i was acting secretly1 and taking care my superiors should know nothing--that ,i might go on4 ,if they had told me that there was the slightest imperfection in the whole matter1 ,i would have given up the founding of a thousand monasteries1--how much more1 then1 this one6 ,i am certain of this2 for though ,i longed to withdraw from everything more and more1 and to follow my rule and vocation in the greatest perfection and seclusion1 yet ,i wished to do so only conditionally3 for if ,i should have learnt that it would be for the greater honour of our ,lord to abandon it1 ,i would have done so1 as ,i did before on one occasion1 #af in all peace and contentment4 #e4 ,i felt as if ,i were in bliss1 when ,i saw the most ,holy ,sacrament reserved1 with four poor orphans1 #ag--;for they were received without a dowry1--and great servants of ,god1 established in the house4 ,it was our aim from the beginning to receive only those who1 by their example1 might be the foundation on which we could build up what we had in view--great perfection and prayer--and effect a work which ,i believed to be for the service of our ,lord1 and to the honour of the habit of ,his glorious ,mother4 ,this was my anxiety4 ,it was also a great consolation to me that ,i had done that which our ,lord had so often commanded me to do1 and that there was one church more in this city dedicated to my glorious father ,st4 ,joseph4 ,not that ,i thought ,i had done anything myself1 for ,i have never thought so1 and do not think so even now2 ,i always looked upon it as the work of our ,lord4 ,my part in it was so full of imperfections1 that ,i look upon myself rather as a person in fault than as one to whom any thanks are due4 ,but it was a great joy to me when ,i saw ,his ,majesty make use of me1 who am so worthless1 as ,his instrument in so grand a work4 ,i was therefore in great joy1--so much so1 that ,i was1 as it were1 beside myself1 lost in prayer4 #f4 ,when all was done--it might have been about three or four hours afterwards--,satan returned to the spiritual fight against me1 as ,i shall now relate4 ,he suggested to me that perhaps ,i had been wrong in what ,i had done2 perhaps ,i had failed in my obedience1 in having brought it about without the commandment of the ,provincial4 ,i did certainly think that the ,provincial would be displeased because ,i had placed the monastery under the jurisdiction of the ,bishop #ah without telling him of it beforehand2 though1 as he would not acknowledge the monastery himself1 and as ,i had not changed mine1 it seemed to me that perhaps he would not care much about the matter4 ,satan also suggested whether the nuns would be contented to live in so strict a house1 whether they could always find food1 whether ,i had not done a silly thing1 and what had ,i to do with it1 when ,i was already in a monastery8 ,all our ,lord had said to me1 all the opinions ,i had heard1 and all the prayers which had been almost uninterrupted for more than two years1 were completely blotted out of my memory1 just as if they had never been4 ,the only thing ,i remembered was my own opinion2 and every virtue1 with faith itself1 was then suspended within me1 so that ,i was without strength to practise any one of them1 or to defend myself against so many blows4 #g4 ,the devil also would have me ask myself how ,i could think of shutting myself up in so strict a house1 when ,i was subject to so many infirmities2 how could ,i bear so penitential a life1 and leave a house large and pleasant1 where ,i had been always so happy1 and where ,i had so many friends8--perhaps ,i might not like those of the new monastery2 ,i had taken on myself a heavy obligation1 and might possibly end in despair4 ,he also suggested that perhaps it was he himself who had contrived it1 in order to rob me of my peace and rest1 so that1 being unable to pray1 ,i might be disquieted1 and so lose my soul4 ,thoughts of this kind he put before me2 and they were so many1 that ,i could think of nothing else2 and with them came such distress1 obscurity1 and darkness of soul as ,i can never describe4 ,when ,i found myself in this state1 ,i went and placed myself before the most ,holy ,sacrament1 though ,i could not pray to ,him2 so great was my anguish1 that ,i was like one in the agony of death4 ,i could not make the matter known to any one1 because no confessor had as yet been appointed4 #h4 ,o my ,god1 how wretched is this life6 ,no joy is lasting2 everything is liable to change4 ,only a moment ago1 ,i do not think ,i would have exchanged my joy with any man upon earth2 and the very grounds of that joy so tormented me now1 that ,i knew not what to do with myself4 ,oh1 if we did but consider carefully the events of our life1 every one of us would learn from experience how little we ought to make either of its pleasures or of its pains6 ,certainly this was1 ,i believe1 one of the most distressing moments ,i ever passed in all my life2 my spirit seemed to forecast the great sufferings in store for me1 though they never were so heavy as this was1 if it had continued4 ,but our ,lord would not let ,his poor servant suffer1 for in all my troubles ,he never failed to succour me2 so it was now4 ,he gave me a little light1 so that ,i might see it was the work of the devil1 and might understand the truth1--namely1 that it was nothing else but an attempt on his part to frighten me with his lies4 ,so ,i began to call to mind my great resolutions to serve our ,lord1 and my desire to suffer for ,his sake2 and ,i thought that if ,i carried them out1 ,i must not seek to be at rest2 that if ,i had my trials1 they would be meritorious2 and that if ,i had troubles1 and endured them in order to please ,god1 it would serve me for purgatory4 ,what was ,i1 then1 afraid of8 ,if ,i longed for tribulations1 ,i had them now2 and my gain lay in the greatest opposition4 ,why1 then1 did ,i fail in courage to serve ,one to whom ,i owed so much8 #i4 ,after making these and other reflections1 and doing great violence to myself1 ,i promised before the most ,holy ,sacrament to do all in my power to obtain permission to enter this house1 and1 if ,i could do it with a good conscience1 to make a vow of enclosure4 ,when ,i had done this1 the devil fled in a moment1 and left me calm and peaceful1 and ,i have continued so ever since2 and the enclosure1 penances1 and other rules of this house are to me1 in their observance1 so singularly sweet and light1 the joy ,i have is so exceedingly great1 that ,i am now and then thinking what on earth ,i could have chosen which should be more delightful4 ,i know not whether this may not be the cause of my being in better health than ,i was ever before1 or whether it be that our ,lord1 because it is needful and reasonable that ,i should do as all the others do1 gives me this comfort of keeping the whole rule1 though with some difficulty4 ,however1 all who know my infirmities1 are astonished at my strength4 ,blessed be ,he who giveth it all1 and in whose strength ,i am strong6 #aj4 ,such a contest left me greatly fatigued1 and laughing at ,satan2 for ,i saw clearly it was he4 ,as ,i have never known what it is to be discontented because ,i am a nun--no1 not for an instant--during more than twenty-eight years of religion1 ,i believe that our ,lord suffered me to be thus tempted1 that ,i might understand how great a mercy ,he had shown me herein1 and from what torment ,he had delivered me1 and that if ,i saw any one in like trouble ,i might not be alarmed at it1 but have pity on her1 and be able to console her4 #aa4 ,then1 when this was over1 ,i wished to rest myself a little after our dinner2 for during the whole of that night ,i had scarcely rested at all1 and for some nights previously ,i had had much trouble and anxiety1 while every day was full of toil2 for the news of what we had done had reached my monastery1 and was spread through the city4 ,there arose a great outcry1 for the reasons ,i mentioned before1 #ai and there was some apparent ground for it4 ,the prioress #bj sent for me to come to her immediately4 ,when ,i received the order1 ,i went at once1 leaving the nuns in great distress4 ,i saw clearly enough that there were troubles before me2 but as the work was really done1 ,i did not care much for that4 ,i prayed and implored our ,lord to help me1 and my father ,st4 ,joseph to bring me back to his house4 ,i offered up to him all ,i was to suffer1 rejoicing greatly that ,i had the opportunity of suffering for his honour and of doing him service4 ,i went persuaded that ,i should be put in prison at once but this would have been a great comfort1 because ,i should have nobody to speak to1 and might have some rest and solitude1 of which ,i was in great need2 for so much intercourse with people had worn me out4 #ab4 ,when ,i came and told the prioress what ,i had done1 she was softened a little4 ,they all sent for the ,provincial1 and the matter was reserved for him4 ,when he came1 ,i was summoned to judgment1 rejoicing greatly at seeing that ,i had something to suffer for our ,lord4 ,i did not think ,i had offended against ,his ,majesty1 or against my ,order1 in anything ,i had done2 on the contrary1 ,i was striving with all my might to exalt my ,order1 for which ,i would willingly have died1--for my whole desire was that its rule might be observed in all perfection4 ,i thought of ,christ receiving sentence1 and ,i saw how this of mine would be less than nothing4 ,i confessed my fault1 as if ,i had been very much to blame2 and so ,i seemed to every one who did not know all the reasons4 ,after the ,provincial had rebuked me sharply--though not with the severity which my fault deserved1 nor according to the representations made to him--,i would not defend myself1 for ,i was determined to bear it all2 on the contrary1 ,i prayed him to forgive and punish1 and be no longer angry with me4 #ac4 ,i saw well enough that they condemned me on some charges of which ,i was innocent1 for they said ,i had founded the monastery that ,i might be thought much of1 and to make myself a name1 and for other reasons of that kind4 ,but on other points ,i understood clearly that they were speaking the truth1 as when they said that ,i was more wicked than the other nuns4 ,they asked1 how could ,i1 who had not kept the rule in that house1 think of keeping it in another of stricter observance8 ,they said ,i was giving scandal in the city1 and setting up novelties4 ,all this neither troubled nor distressed me in the least1 though ,i did seem to feel it1 lest ,i should appear to make light of what they were saying4 #ad4 ,at last the ,provincial commanded me to explain my conduct before the nuns1 and ,i had to do it4 ,as ,i was perfectly calm1 and our ,lord helped me1 ,i explained everything in such a way that neither the ,provincial nor those who were present found any reason to condemn me4 ,afterwards ,i spoke more plainly to the ,provincial alone2 he was very much satisfied1 and promised1 if the new monastery prospered1 and the city became quiet1 to give me leave to live in it4 ,now the outcry in the city was very great1 as ,i am going to tell4 ,two or three days after this1 the governor1 certain members of the council of the city and of the ,chapter1 came together1 and resolved that the new monastery should not be allowed to exist1 that it was a visible wrong to the state1 that the most ,holy ,sacrament should be removed1 and that they would not suffer us to go on with our work4 #ae4 ,they assembled all the ,orders--that is1 two learned men from each--to give their opinion4 ,some were silent1 others condemned2 in the end1 they resolved that the monastery should be broken up4 ,only one #ba--;he was of the ,order of ,st4 ,dominic1 and objected1 not to the monastery itself1 but to the foundation of it in poverty--said that there was no reason why it should be thus dissolved1 that the matter ought to be well considered1 that there was time enough1 that it was the affair of the bishop1 with other things of that kind4 ,this was of great service to us1 for they were angry enough to proceed to its destruction at once1 and it was fortunate they did not4 ,in short1 the monastery must exist2 our ,lord was pleased to have it1 and all of them could do nothing against ,his will4 ,they gave their reasons1 and showed their zeal for good1 and thus1 without offending ,god1 made me suffer together with all those who were in favour of the monastery2 there were not many1 but they suffered much persecution4 ,the inhabitants were so excited1 that they talked of nothing else2 every one condemned me1 and hurried to the ,provincial and to my monastery4 #af4 ,i was no more distressed by what they said of me than if they had said nothing2 but ,i was afraid the monastery would be destroyed3 that was painful2 so also was it to see those persons who helped me lose their credit and suffer so much annoyance4 ,but as to what was said of myself ,i was rather glad1 and if ,i had had any faith ,i should not have been troubled at all4 ,but a slight failing in one virtue is enough to put all the others to sleep4 ,i was therefore extremely distressed during the two days on which those assemblies of which ,i have spoken were held4 ,in the extremity of my trouble1 our ,lord said to me3 ,knowest thou not that ,i am the ,almighty8 what art thou afraid of8 ,he made me feel assured that the monastery would not be broken up1 and ,i was exceedingly comforted4 ,the informations taken were sent up to the king's council1 and an order came back for a report on the whole matter4 #ag4 ,here was the beginning of a grand lawsuit3 the city sent delegates to the court1 and some must be sent also to defend the monastery3 but ,i had no money1 nor did ,i know what to do4 ,our ,lord provided for us for the ,father ,provincial never ordered me not to meddle in the matter4 ,he is so great a lover of all that is good1 that1 though he did not help us1 he would not be against our work4 ,neither did he authorise me to enter the house till he saw how it would end4 ,those servants of ,god who were in it were left alone1 and did more by their prayers than ,i did with all my negotiations1 though the affair needed the utmost attention4 ,now and then everything seemed to fail2 particularly one day1 before the ,provincial came1 when the prioress ordered me to meddle no more with it1 and to give it up altogether4 ,i betook myself to ,god1 and said1 ,o ,lord1 this house is not mine2 it was founded for ,thee2 and now that there is no one to take up the cause1 do ,thou protect it4 ,i now felt myself in peace1 and as free from anxiety as if the whole world were on my side in the matter2 and at once ,i looked upon it as safe4 #bb #ah4 ,a very great servant of ,god1 and a lover of all perfection1 a priest #bc who had helped me always1 went to the court on this business1 and took great pains4 ,that holy nobleman #bd of whom ,i have often spoken laboured much on our behalf1 and helped us in every way4 ,he had much trouble and persecution to endure1 and ,i always found a father in him1 and do so still4 ,all those who helped us1 our ,lord filled with such fervour as made them consider our affair as their own1 as if their own life and reputation were at stake2 and yet it was nothing to them1 except in so far as it regarded the service of our ,lord4 ,his ,majesty visibly helped the priest ,i have spoken of before1 #be who was also one of those who gave us great help when the ,bishop sent him as his representative to one of the great meetings4 ,there he stood alone against all2 at last he pacified them by means of certain propositions1 which obtained us a little respite4 ,but that was not enough2 for they were ready to spend their lives1 if they could but destroy the monastery4 ,this servant of ,god was he who gave the habit and reserved the most ,holy ,sacrament1 and he was the object of much persecution4 ,this attack lasted about six months3 to relate in detail the heavy trials we passed through would be too tedious4 #ai4 ,i wondered at what ,satan did against a few poor women1 and also how all people thought that merely twelve women1 with a prioress1 could be so hurtful to the city1--for they were not to be more1--,i say this to those who opposed us1--and living such austere lives2 for if any harm or error came of it1 it would all fall upon them4 ,harm to the city there could not be in any way2 and yet the people thought there was so much in it1 that they opposed us with a good conscience4 ,at last they resolved they would tolerate us if we were endowed1 and in consideration of that would suffer us to remain4 ,i was so distressed at the trouble of all those who were on our side--more than at my own--that ,i thought it would not be amiss1 till the people were pacified1 to accept an endowment1 but afterwards to resign it4 ,at other times1 too1 wicked and imperfect as ,i am1 ,i thought that perhaps our ,lord wished it to be so1 seeing that1 without accepting it1 we could not succeed2 and so ,i consented to the compromise4 #bj4 ,the night before the settlement was to be made1 ,i was in prayer1--the discussion of the terms of it had already begun1--when our ,lord said to me that ,i must do nothing of the kind2 for if we began with an endowment1 they would never allow us to resign it4 ,he said some other things also4 ,the same night1 the holy friar1 ,peter of ,alcantara1 appeared to me4 ,he was then dead4 #bf ,but he had written to me before his death--for he knew the great opposition and persecution we had to bear--that he was glad the foundation was so much spoken against2 it was a sign that our ,lord would be exceedingly honoured in the monastery1 seeing that ,satan was so earnest against it2 and that ,i was by no means to consent to an endowment4 ,he urged this upon me twice or thrice in that letter1 and said that if ,i persisted in this everything would succeed according to my wish4 #ba4 ,at this time ,i had already seen him twice since his death1 and the great glory he was in1 and so ,i was not afraid1--on the contrary1 ,i was very glad2 for he always appeared as a glorified body in great happiness1 and the vision made me very happy too4 ,i remember that he told me1 the first time ,i saw him1 among other things1 when speaking of the greatness of his joy1 that the penance he had done was a blessed thing for him1 in that it had obtained so great a reward4 ,but1 as ,i think ,i have spoken of this before1 #bg ,i will now say no more than that he showed himself severe on this occasion3 he merely said that ,i was on no account to accept an endowment1 and asked why it was ,i did not take his advice4 ,he then disappeared4 ,i remained in astonishment1 and the next day told the nobleman--for ,i went to him in all my trouble1 as to one who did more than others for us in the matter1--what had taken place1 and charged him not to consent to the endowment1 but to let the lawsuit go on4 ,he was more firm on this point than ,i was1 and was therefore greatly pleased2 he told me afterwards how much he disliked the compromise4 #bb4 ,after this1 another personage--a great servant of ,god1 and with good intentions--came forward1 who1 now that the matter was in good train1 advised us to put it in the hands of learned men4 ,this brought on trouble enough2 for some of those who helped me agreed to do so2 and this plot of ,satan was one of the most difficult of all to unravel4 ,our ,lord was my helper throughout4 ,writing thus briefly1 it is impossible for me to explain what took place during the two years that passed between the beginning and the completion of the monastery3 the last six months and the first six months were the most painful4 #bc4 ,when at last the city was somewhat calm1 the licentiate father1 the ,dominican friar #bh who helped us1 exerted himself most skilfully on our behalf4 ,though not here at the time1 our ,lord brought him here at a most convenient moment for our service1 and it seems that ,his ,majesty brought him for that purpose only4 ,he told me afterwards that he had no reasons for coming1 and that he heard of our affair as if by chance4 ,he remained here as long as we wanted him1 and on going away he prevailed1 by some means1 on the ,father ,provincial to permit me to enter this house1 and to take with me some of the nuns #bi--such a permission seemed impossible in so short a time for the performance of the ,divine ,office--and the training of those who were in this house3 the day of our coming was a most joyful day for me4 #cj #bd4 ,while praying in the church1 before ,i went into the house1 and being as it were in a trance1 ,i saw ,christ2 who1 as it seemed to me1 received me with great affection1 placed a crown on my head1 and thanked me for what ,i had done for ,his ,mother4 ,on another occasion1 when all of us remained in the choir in prayer after ,compline1 ,i saw our ,lady in exceeding glory1 in a white mantle1 with which she seemed to cover us all4 ,i understood by that the high degree of glory to which our ,lord would raise the religious of this house4 #be4 ,when we had begun to sing the ,office1 the people began to have a great devotion to the monastery2 more nuns were received1 and our ,lord began to stir up those who had been our greatest persecutors to become great benefactors1 and give alms to us4 ,in this way they came to approve of what they had condemned2 and so1 by degrees1 they withdrew from the lawsuit1 and would say that they now felt it to be a work of ,god1 since ,his ,majesty had been pleased to carry it on in the face of so much opposition4 ,and now there is not one who thinks that it would have been right not to have founded the monastery3 so they make a point of furnishing us with alms2 for without any asking on our part1 without begging of any one1 our ,lord moves them to1 succour us2 and so we always have what is necessary for us1 and ,i trust in our ,lord it will always be so4 #ca ,as the sisters are few in number1 if they do their duty as our ,lord at present by ,his grace enables them to do1 ,i am confident that they will always have it1 and that they need not be a burden nor troublesome to anybody2 for our ,lord will care for them1 as ,he has hitherto done4 #bf4 ,it is the greatest consolation to me to find myself among those who are so detached4 ,their occupation is to learn how they may advance in the service of ,god4 ,solitude is their delight2 and the thought of being visited by any one1 even of their nearest kindred1 is a trial1 unless it helps them to kindle more and more their love of the ,bridegroom4 ,accordingly1 none come to this house who do not aim at this2 otherwise they neither give nor receive any pleasure from their visits4 ,their conversation is of ,god only2 and so he whose conversation is different does not understand them1 and they do not understand him4 #bg4 ,we keep the rule of our ,lady of ,carmel1 not the rule of the ,mitigation1 but as it was settled by ,fr4 ,hugo1 ,cardinal of ,santa ,sabina1 and given in the year #abdh1 in the fifth year of the pontificate of ,innocent ,,iv41 ,pope4 ,all the trouble we had to go through1 as it seems to me1 will have been endured to good purpose4 #bh4 ,and now1 though the rule be somewhat severe1--for we never eat flesh except in cases of necessity1 fast eight months in the year1 and practise some other austerities besides1 according to the primitive rule1 #cb--yet the sisters think it light on many points1 and so they have other observances1 which we have thought necessary for the more perfect keeping of it4 ,and ,i trust in our ,lord that what we have begun will prosper more and more1 according to the promise of ,his ,majesty4 #bi4 ,the other house1 which the holy woman of whom ,i spoke before #cc laboured to establish1 has been also blessed of our ,lord1 and is founded in ,alcala3 it did not escape serious opposition1 nor fail to endure many trials4 ,i know that all duties of religion are observed in it1 according to our primitive rule4 ,our ,lord grant that all may be to the praise and glory of ,himself and of the glorious ,virgin ,mary1 whose habit we wear4 ,amen4 #cj4 ,i think you must be wearied1 my father1 by the tedious history of this monastery2 and yet it is most concise1 if you compare it with our labours1 and the wonders which our ,lord has wrought here4 ,there are many who can bear witness to this on oath4 ,i therefore beg of your reverence1 for the love of ,god1 should you think fit to destroy the rest of this my writing1 to preserve that part of it which relates to this monastery1 and give it1 when ,i am dead1 to the sisters who may then be living in it4 ,it will encourage them greatly1 who shall come here both to serve ,god and to labour1 that what has been thus begun may not fall to decay1 but ever grow and thrive1 when they see how much our ,lord has done through one so mean and vile as ,i4 ,as our ,lord has been so particularly gracious to us in the foundation of this house it seems to me that she will do very wrong1 and that she will be heavily chastised of ,god1 who shall be the first to relax the perfect observance of the rule1 which our ,lord has here begun and countenanced1 so that it may be kept with so much sweetness3 it is most evident that the observance of it is easy1 and that it can be kept with ease1 by the arrangement made for those who long to be alone with their ,bridegroom ,christ1 in order to live for ever in ,him4 #ca4 ,this is to be the perpetual aim of those who are here1 to be alone with ,him alone4 ,they are not to be more in number than thirteen3 ,i know this number to be the best1 for ,i have had many opinions about it2 and ,i have seen in my own experience1 that to preserve our spirit1 living on alms1 without asking of anyone1 a larger number would be inexpedient4 ,may they always believe one who with much labour1 and by the prayers of many people1 accomplished that which must be for the best6 ,that this is most expedient for us will be seen from the joy and cheerfulness1 and the few troubles1 we have all had in the years we have lived in this house1 as well as from the better health than usual of us all4 ,if any one thinks the rule hard1 let her lay the fault on her want of the true spirit1 and not on the rule of the house1 seeing that delicate persons1 and those not saints1--because they have the true spirit1--can bear it all with so much sweetness4 ,let others go to another monastery1 where they may save their souls in the way of their own spirit4 #a4 ,toledo4 #b4 ,avila4 ,in the beginning of ,june1 #aefb4 #c4 ,see ch4 xxxiv4 #b4 ,the ,brief was dated ,feb4 #g1 #aefb1 the third year of ,pius ,,iv4 7,de la ,fuente74 #d4 ,the ,brief was addressed to ,doa ,aldonza de ,guzman1 and to ,doa ,guiomar de ,ulloa1 her daughter4 #e4 ,don ,alvaro de ,mendoza 7,de la ,fuente74 #f4 ,don ,francisco de ,salcedo4 #g4 ,st4 ,peter of ,alcantara4 ,truly this is the house of ,st4 ,joseph1 were the ,saint's words when he saw the rising monastery2 for ,i see it is the little hospice of ,bethlehem 7,de la ,fuente74 #h4 ,in less than three months1 perhaps2 for ,st4 ,peter died in the sixty-third year of his age1 ,oct4 #ah1 #aefb1 and in less than eight weeks after the foundation of the monastery of ,st4 ,joseph4 #i4 ,don ,juan de ,ovalle4 #aj4 ,when he saw that the ,saint had made all her arrangements1 he knew the meaning of his illness1 and said to her1 ,it is not necessary ,i should be ill any longer 7,ribera1 i4 c4 #h74 #aa4 ,doa ,guiomar de ,ulloa was now in her native place1 ,ciudad ,toro4 #ab4 ,the ,mass was said by ,gaspar ,daza4 ,see infra1 #ah2 ,reforma1 i4 c4 xlvi4 #c4 #ac4 ,the bell which the ,saint had provided for the convent weighed less than three pounds1 and remained in the monastery for a hundred years1 till it was sent1 by order of the ,general1 to the monastery of ,pastrana1 where the general chapters were held4 ,there the friars assembled at the sound of the bell1 which rang for the first ,mass of the ,carmelite ,reform 7,reforma1 i4 c4 xlvi4 #a74 #ad4 ,they were ,doa ,ines and ,doa ,ana de ,tapia1 cousins of the ,saint4 ,there were present also ,don ,gonzalo de ,aranda1 ,don ,francisco ,salcedo1 ,julian of ,avila1 priest2 ,doa ,juana de ,ahumada1 the ,saint's sister2 with her husband1 ,juan de ,ovalle4 ,the ,saint herself retained her own habit1 making no change1 because she had not the permission of her superiors 7,reforma1 i4 c4 xlvi4 #b74 #ae4 ,ch4 xxxiii4 #ac4 #af4 ,ch4 xxxiii4 #c4 #ag4 ,the first of these was ,antonia de ,henao1 a penitent of ,st4 ,peter of ,alcantara1 and who wished to enter a religious house far away from ,avila1 her home4 ,st4 ,peter kept her for ,st4 ,teresa4 ,she was called from this day forth ,antonia of the ,holy ,ghost4 ,the second was ,maria de la ,paz1 brought up by ,doa ,guiomar de ,ulloa4 ,her name was ,maria of the ,cross4 ,the third was ,ursola de los ,santos4 ,she retained her family name as ,ursola of the ,saints4 ,it was ,gaspar ,daza who brought her to the ,saint4 ,the fourth was ,maria de ,avila1 sister of ,julian the priest1 and she was called ,mary of ,st4 ,joseph4 ,it was at this house1 too1 that the ,saint herself exchanged her ordinary designation of ,doa ,teresa de ,ahumada for ,teresa of ,jesus 7,reforma1 i4 c4 xlvi4 #b74 #ah4 ,see ,foundations1 ch4 ii4 #a1 and ch4 xxxi1 #a4 #ai4 ,ch4 xxxiii4 #a1 #b4 #bj4 ,of the ,incarnation4 #ba4 ,f4 ,domingo ,baes1 the great commentator on ,st4 ,thomas4 ,on the margin of the ,,ms41 ,baes has with his own hand written3 ,this was at the end of ,august1 #aefb4 ,i was present1 and gave this opinion4 ,i am writing this in ,may 7the day of the month is not legible7 #aege1 and the mother has now founded nine monasteries en gran religion 7,de la ,fuente74 ,at this time ,baes did not know1 and had never seen1 the ,saint2 he undertook her defence simply because he saw that her intentions were good1 and the means she made use of for founding the monastery lawful1 seeing that she had received the commandment to do so from the ,pope4 ,baes testifies thus in the depositions made in ,salamanca in #aeia in the ,saint's process4 ,see vol4 ii4 p4 #cgf of ,don ,vicente's edition4 #bb4 ,see ,ch4 xxxix4 #be4 #bc4 ,gonzalo de ,aranda 7,de la ,fuente74 #bd4 ,don ,francisco de ,salcedo 7ibid474 #be4 ,ch4 xxiii4 #f2 ,gaspar ,daza 7ibid474 #bf4 ,he died ,oct4 #ah1 #aefb4 #bg4 ,ch4 xxvii4 #ba4 #bh4 ,el ,padre ,presentado1 ,dominico4 ,presentado en algunas ,religiones es cierto titulo de grado que es respeto del ,maestro como ,licenciado 7,cobarruvias1 in voce ,presente74 ,the father was ,fra ,pedro ,ibaez4 ,see ch4 xxxviii4 #ae4 #bi4 ,from the monastery of the ,incarnation4 ,these were ,ana of ,st4 ,john1 ,ana of ,all the ,angels1 ,maria ,isabel1 and ,isabel of ,st4 ,paul4 ,st4 ,teresa was a simple nun1 living under obedience to the prioress of ,st4 ,joseph1 ,ana of ,st4 ,john1 and intended so to remain4 ,but the nuns applied to the ,bishop of ,avila and to the ,provincial of the ,order1 who1 listening to the complaints of the sisters1 compelled the ,saint to be their prioress4 ,see ,reforma1 i4 c4 xlix4 #d4 #cj4 ,mid-,lent of #aefc4 #ca4 ,see ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 ii4 #cb4 ,jejunium singulis diebus1 exceptis ,dominicis1 observetis a ,festo ,exaltationis ,sanct ,crucis usque ad diem ,dominic ,resurrectionis1 nisi infirmitas vel debilitas corporis1 aut alia justa causa1 jejunium solvi suadeat2 quia necessitas non habet legem4 ,ab esu carnium abstineatis1 nisi pro infirmitatis aut debilitatis remedio sint sumantur4 ,that is the tenth section of the rule4 #cc4 ,see ch4 xxxv4 #a4 ,maria of ,jesus had founded her house in ,alcala de ,henares2 but the austerities practised in it1 and the absence of the religious mitigations which long experience had introduced1 were too much for the fervent nuns there assembled4 ,maria of ,jesus begged ,doa ,leonor de ,mascareas to persuade ,st4 ,teresa to come to ,alcala4 ,the ,saint went to the monastery1 and was received there with joy1 and even entreated to take the house under her own government 7,reforma1 ii4 c4 x4 #c1 #d74 ,chapter ,,xxxvii4 ,the ,effects of the ,divine ,graces in the ,soul4 ,the ,inestimable ,greatness of ,one ,degree of ,glory4 #a4 ,it is painful to me to recount more of the graces which our ,lord gave me than these already spoken of2 and they are so many1 that nobody can believe they were ever given to one so wicked3 but in obedience to our ,lord1 who has commanded me to do it1 #a and you1 my fathers1 ,i will speak of some of them to ,his glory4 ,may it please ,his ,majesty it may be to the profit of some soul6 ,for if our ,lord has been thus gracious to so--miserable a thing as myself1 what will ,he be to those who shall serve ,him truly8 ,let all people resolve to please ,his ,majesty1 seeing that ,he gives such pledges as these even in this life4 #b #b4 ,in the first place1 it must be understood that1 in those graces which ,god bestows on the soul1 there are diverse degrees of joy3 for in some visions the joy and sweetness and comfort of them so far exceed those of others1 that ,i am amazed at the different degrees of fruition even in this life2 for it happens that the joy and consolation which ,god gives in a vision or a trance are so different1 that it seems impossible for the soul to be able to desire anything more in this world3 and1 so1 in fact1 the soul does not desire1 nor would it ask for1 a greater joy4 ,still1 since our ,lord has made me understand how great a difference there is in heaven itself between the fruition of one and that of another1 ,i see clearly enough that here also1 when our ,lord wills1 ,he gives not by measure2 #c and so ,i wish that ,i myself observed no measure in serving ,his ,majesty1 and in using my whole life and strength and health therein2 and ,i would not have any fault of mine rob me of the slightest degree of fruition4 #c4 ,and so ,i say that if ,i were asked which ,i preferred1 to endure all the trials of the world until the end of it1 and then receive one slight degree of glory additional1 or without any suffering of any kind to enter into glory of a slightly lower degree1 ,i would accept--oh1 how willingly6--all those trials for one slight degree of fruition in the contemplation of the greatness of ,god2 for ,i know that he who understands ,him best1 loves ,him and praises ,him best4 ,i do not mean that ,i should not be satisfied1 and consider myself most blessed1 to be in heaven1 even if ,i should be in the lowest place2 for as ,i am one who had that place in hell1 it would be a great mercy of our ,lord to admit me at all2 and may it please ,his ,majesty to bring me thither1 and take away ,his eyes from beholding my grievous sins4 ,what ,i mean is this1--if it were in my power1 even if it cost me everything1 and our ,lord gave me the grace to endure much affliction1 ,i would not through any fault of mine lose one degree of glory4 ,ah1 wretched that ,i am1 who by so many faults had forfeited all6 #d4 ,it is also to be observed that1 in every vision or revelation which our ,lord in ,his mercy sent me1 a great gain accrued to my soul1 and that in some of the visions this gain was very great4 ,the vision of ,christ left behind an impression of ,his exceeding beauty1 and it remains with me to this day4 ,one vision alone of ,him is enough to effect this2 what1 then1 must all those visions have done1 which our ,lord in ,his mercy sent me8 ,one exceedingly great blessing has resulted therefrom1 and it is this1--,i had one very grievous fault1 which was the source of much evil2 namely1 whenever ,i found anybody well disposed towards myself1 and ,i liked him1 ,i used to have such an affection for him as compelled me always to remember and think of him1 though ,i had no intention of offending ,god3 however1 ,i was pleased to see him1 to think of him and of his good qualities4 ,all this was so hurtful1 that it brought my soul to the very verge of destruction4 #e4 ,but ever since ,i saw the great beauty #d of our ,lord1 ,i never saw any one who in comparison with ,him seemed even endurable1 or that could occupy my thoughts4 ,for if ,i but turn mine eyes inwardly for a moment to the contemplation of the image which ,i have within me1 ,i find myself so free1 that from that instant everything ,i see is loathsome in comparison with the excellences and graces of which ,i had a vision in our ,lord4 ,neither is there any sweetness1 nor any kind of pleasure1 which ,i can make any account of1 compared with that which comes from hearing but one word from ,his divine mouth4 ,what1 then1 must it be when ,i hear so many8 ,i look upon it as impossible--unless our ,lord1 for my sins1 should permit the loss of this remembrance--that ,i should have the power to occupy myself with anything in such a way as that ,i should not instantly recover my liberty by thinking of our ,lord4 #f4 ,this has happened to me with some of my confessors1 for ,i always have a great affection for those who have the direction of my soul4 ,as ,i really saw in them only the representatives of ,god1 ,i thought my will was always there where it is most occupied2 and as ,i felt very safe in the matter1 ,i always showed myself glad to see them4 #e ,they1 on the other hand1 servants of ,god1 and fearing ,him1 were afraid that ,i was attaching and binding myself too much to them1 though in a holy way1 and treated me with rudeness4 ,this took place after ,i had become so ready to obey them2 for before that time ,i had no affection whatever for them4 ,i used to laugh to myself1 when ,i saw how much they were deceived4 ,though ,i was not always putting before them how little ,i was attached to anybody1 as clearly as ,i was convinced of it myself1 yet ,i did assure them of it2 and they1 in their further relations with me1 acknowledged how much ,i owed to our ,lord in the matter4 ,these suspicions of me always arose in the beginning4 #g4 ,my love of1 and trust in1 our ,lord1 after ,i had seen ,him in a vision1 began to grow1 for my converse with ,him was so continual4 ,i saw that1 though ,he was ,god1 ,he was man also2 that ,he is not surprised at the frailties of men1 that ,he understands our miserable nature1 liable to fall continually1 because of the first sin1 for the reparation of which ,he had come4 ,i could speak to ,him as to a friend1 though ,he is my ,lord1 because ,i do not consider ,him as one of our earthly ,lords1 who affect a power they do not possess1 who give audience at fixed hours1 and to whom only certain persons may speak4 ,if a poor man have any business with these1 it will cost him many goings and comings1 and currying favour with others1 together with much pain and labour before he can speak to them4 ,ah1 if such a one has business with a king6 ,poor people1 not of gentle blood1 cannot approach him1 for they must apply to those who are his friends1 and certainly these are not persons who tread the world under their feet2 for they who do this speak the truth1 fear nothing1 and ought to fear nothing2 they are not courtiers1 because it is not the custom of a court1 where they must be silent about those things they dislike1 must not even dare to think about them1 lest they should fall into disgrace4 #h4 ,o ,king of glory1 and ,lord of all kings6 oh1 how ,thy kingly dignity is not hedged about by trifles of this kind6 ,thy kingdom is for ever4 ,we do not require chamberlains to introduce us into ,thy presence4 ,the very vision of ,thy person shows us at once that ,thou alone art to be called ,lord4 ,thy ,majesty is so manifest that there is no need of a retinue or guard to make us confess that ,thou art ,king4 ,an earthly king without attendants would be hardly acknowledged2 and though he might wish ever so much to be recognised1 people will not own him when he appears as others2 it is necessary that his dignity should be visible1 if people are to believe in it4 ,this is reason enough why kings should affect so much state2 for if they had none1 no one would respect them2 this their semblance of power is not in themselves1 and their authority must come to them from others4 #i4 ,o my ,lord6 ,o my ,king6 who can describe ,thy ,majesty8 ,it is impossible not to see that ,thou art ,thyself the great ,ruler of all1 that the beholding of ,thy ,majesty fills men with awe4 ,but ,i am filled with greater awe1 ,o my ,lord1 when ,i consider ,thy humility1 and the love ,thou hast for such as ,i am4 ,we can converse and speak with ,thee about everything whenever we will2 and when we lose our first fear and awe at the vision of ,thy ,majesty1 we have a greater dread of offending ,thee1--not arising out of the fear of punishment1 ,o my ,lord1 for that is as nothing in comparison with the loss of ,thee6 #aj4 ,thus far of the blessings of this vision1 without speaking of others1 which abide in the soul when it is past4 ,if it be from ,god1 the fruits thereof show it1 when the soul receives light2 for1 as ,i have often said1 #f the will of our ,lord is that the soul should be in darkness1 and not see this light4 ,it is1 therefore1 nothing to be wondered at that ,i1 knowing myself to be so wicked as ,i am1 should be afraid4 #aa4 ,it is only just now it happened to me to be for eight days in a state wherein it seemed that ,i did not1 and could not1 confess my obligations to ,god1 or remember ,his mercies2 but my soul was so stupefied1 and occupied with ,i know not what nor how3 not that ,i had any bad thoughts2 only ,i was so incapable of good thoughts1 that ,i was laughing at myself1 and even rejoicing to see how mean a soul can be if ,god is not always working in it4 #g ,the soul sees clearly that ,god is not away from it in this state1 and that it is not in those great tribulations which ,i have spoken of as being occasionally mine4 ,though it heaps up fuel1 and does the little it can do of itself1 it cannot make the fire of the love of ,god burn3 it is a great mercy that even the smoke is visible1 showing that it is not altogether quenched4 ,our ,lord will return and kindle it2 and until then the soul--though it may lose its breath in blowing and arranging the fuel--seems to be doing nothing but putting it out more and more4 #ab4 ,i believe that now the best course is to be absolutely resigned1 confessing that we can do nothing1 and so apply ourselves--as ,i said before #h--to something else which is meritorious4 ,our ,lord1 it may be1 takes away from the soul the power of praying1 that it may betake itself to something else1 and learn by experience how little it can do in its own strength4 #ac4 ,it is true ,i have this day been rejoicing in our ,lord1 and have dared to complain of ,his ,majesty4 ,i said unto ,him3 ,how is it1 ,o my ,god1 that it is not enough for ,thee to detain me in this wretched life1 and that ,i should have to bear with it for the love of ,thee1 and be willing to live where everything hinders the fruition of ,thee2 where1 besides1 ,i must eat and sleep1 transact business1 and converse with every one1 and all for ,thy love8 how is it1 then1--for ,thou well knowest1 ,o my ,lord1 all this to be the greatest torment unto me1--that1 in the rare moments when ,i am with ,thee1 ,thou hidest ,thyself from me8 ,how is this consistent with ,thy compassion8 ,how can that love ,thou hast for me endure this8 ,i believe1 ,o ,lord1 if it were possible for me to hide myself from ,thee1 as ,thou hidest ,thyself from me--,i think and believe so--such is ,thy love1 that ,thou wouldest not endure it at my hands4 ,but ,thou art with me1 and seest me always4 ,o my ,lord1 ,i beseech ,thee look to this2 it must not be2 a wrong is done to one who loves ,thee so much4 #ad4 ,i happened to utter these words1 and others of the same kind1 when ,i should have been thinking rather how my place in hell was pleasant in comparison with the place ,i deserved4 ,but now and then my love makes me foolish1 so that ,i lose my senses2 only it is with all the sense ,i have that ,i make these complaints1 and our ,lord bears it all4 ,blessed be so good a ,king6 #ae4 ,can we be thus bold with the kings of this world8 ,and yet ,i am not surprised that we dare not thus speak to a king1 for it is only reasonable that men should be afraid of him1 or even to the great lords who are his representatives4 ,the world is now come to such a state1 that men's lives ought to be longer than they are if we are to learn all the new customs and ceremonies of good breeding1 and yet spend any time in the service of ,god4 ,i bless myself at the sight of what is going on4 ,the fact is1 ,i did not know how ,i was to live when ,i came into this house4 ,any negligence in being much more ceremonious with people than they deserve is not taken as a jest2 on the contrary1 they look upon it as an insult deliberately offered2 so that it becomes necessary for you to satisfy them of your good intentions1 if there happens1 as ,i have said1 to have been any negligence2 and even then1 ,god grant they may believe you4 #af4 ,i repeat it1--,i certainly did not know how to live2 for my poor soul was worn out4 ,it is told to employ all its thoughts always on ,god1 and that it is necessary to do so if it would avoid many dangers4 ,on the other hand1 it finds it will not do to fail in any one point of the world's law1 under the penalty of affronting those who look upon these things as touching their honour4 ,i was worn out in unceasingly giving satisfaction to people2 for1 though ,i tried my utmost1 ,i could not help failing in many ways in matters which1 as ,i have said1 are not slightly thought of in the world4 #ag4 ,is it true that in religious houses no explanations are necessary1 for it is only reasonable we should be excused these observances8 ,well1 that is not so2 for there are people who say that monasteries ought to be courts in politeness and instruction4 ,i certainly cannot understand it4 ,i thought that perhaps some saint may have said that they ought to be courts to teach those who wish to be the courtiers of heaven1 and that these people misunderstood their meaning2 for if a man be careful to please ,god continually1 and to hate the world1 as he ought to do1 ,i do not see how he can be equally careful to please those who live in the world in these matters which are continually changing4 ,if they could be learnt once for all1 it might be borne with3 but as to the way of addressing letters1 there ought to be a professor's chair founded1 from which lectures should be given1 so to speak1 teaching us how to do it2 for the paper should on one occasion be left blank in one corner1 and on another in another corner2 and a man must be addressed as the illustrious who was not hitherto addressed as the magnificent4 #ah4 ,i know not where this will stop3 ,i am not yet fifty1 and yet ,i have seen so many changes during my life1 that ,i do not know how to live4 ,what will they do who are only just born1 and who may live many years8 ,certainly ,i am sorry for those spiritual people who1 for certain holy purposes1 are obliged to live in the world2 the cross they have to carry is a dreadful one4 ,if they could all agree together1 and make themselves ignorant1 and be willing to be considered so in these sciences1 they would set themselves free from much trouble4 ,but what folly am ,i about6 from speaking of the greatness of ,god ,i am come to speak of the meanness of the world6 ,since our ,lord has given me the grace to quit it1 ,i wish to leave it altogether4 ,let them settle these matters who maintain these follies with so much labour4 ,god grant that in the next life1 where there is no changing1 we may not have to pay for them6 ,amen4 #a4 ,the ,saint1 having interrupted her account of her interior life in order to give the history of the foundation of the monastery of ,st4 ,joseph1 ,avila1--the first house of the ,reformed ,carmelites1--here resumes that account broken off at the end of #aj of ch4 xxxii4 #b4 ,ephes4 i4 #ad3 ,pignus hreditatis nostr4 #c4 ,st4 ,john iii4 #cd3 ,non enim ad mensuram dat ,deus spiritum4 #d4 ,ch4 xxviii4 #a-e4 #e4 ,see ch4 xl4 #bd2 ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 vii4 #a2 but ch4 iv4 of the previous editions4 #f4 ,see ch4 xx4 #ad4 #g4 ,see ch4 xxx4 #ai4 #h4 ,see ch4 xxx4 #ah1 #be4 ,chapter ,,xxxviii4 ,certain ,heavenly ,secrets1 ,visions1 and ,revelations4 ,the ,effects of ,them in ,her ,soul4 #a4 ,one night ,i was so unwell that ,i thought ,i might be excused making my prayer2 so ,i took my rosary1 that ,i might employ myself in vocal prayer1 trying not to be recollected in my understanding1 though outwardly ,i was recollected1 being in my oratory4 ,these little precautions are of no use when our ,lord will have it otherwise4 ,i remained there but a few moments thus1 when ,i was rapt in spirit with such violence that ,i could make no resistance whatever4 ,it seemed to me that ,i was taken up to heaven2 and the first persons ,i saw there were my father and my mother4 ,i saw other things also2 but the time was no longer than that in which the ,ave ,maria might be said1 and ,i was amazed at it1 looking on it all as too great a grace for me4 ,but as to the shortness of the time1 it might have been longer1 only it was all done in a very short space4 #b4 ,i was afraid it might be an illusion2 but as ,i did not think so1 ,i knew not what to do1 because ,i was very much ashamed to go to my confessor about it4 ,it was not1 as it seemed to me1 because ,i was humble1 but because ,i thought he would laugh at me1 and say3 ,oh1 what a ,st4 ,paul6--she sees the things of heaven2 or a ,st4 ,jerome4 ,and because these glorious ,saints had had such visions1 ,i was so much the more afraid1 and did nothing but cry2 for ,i did not think it possible for me to see what they saw4 ,at last1 though ,i felt it exceedingly1 ,i went to my confessor2 for ,i never dared to keep secret anything of this kind1 however much it distressed me to speak of them1 owing to the great fear ,i had of being deceived4 ,when my confessor saw how much ,i was suffering1 he consoled me greatly1 and gave me plenty of good reasons why ,i should have no fear4 #c4 ,it happened1 also1 as time went on1 and it happens now from time to time1 that our ,lord showed me still greater secrets4 ,the soul1 even if it would1 has neither the means not the power to see more than what ,he shows it2 and so1 each time1 ,i saw nothing more than what our ,lord was pleased to let me see4 ,but such was the vision1 that the least part of it was enough to make my soul amazed1 and to raise it so high that it esteems and counts as nothing all the things of this life4 ,i wish ,i could describe1 in some measure1 the smallest portion of what ,i saw2 but when ,i think of doing it1 ,i find it impossible2 for the mere difference alone between the light we have here below1 and that which is seen in a vision1--both being light1--is so great1 that there is no comparison between them2 the brightness of the sun itself seems to be something exceedingly loathsome4 ,in a word1 the imagination1 however strong it may be1 can neither conceive nor picture to itself this light1 nor any one of the things which our ,lord showed me in a joy so supreme that it cannot be described2 for then all the senses exult so deeply and so sweetly that no description is possible2 and so it is better to say nothing more4 #d4 ,i was in this state once for more than an hour1 our ,lord showing me wonderful things4 ,he seemed as if ,he would not leave me4 ,he said to me1 ,see1 ,my daughter1 what they lose who are against ,me2 do not fail to tell them of it4 ,ah1 my ,lord1 how little good my words will do them1 who are made blind by their own conduct1 if ,thy ,majesty will not give them light6 ,some1 to whom ,thou hast given it1 there are1 who have profited by the knowledge of ,thy greatness2 but as they see it revealed to one so wicked and base as ,i am1 ,i look upon it as a great thing if there should be any found to believe me4 ,blessed be ,thy name1 and blessed be ,thy compassion2 for ,i can trace1 at least in my own soul1 a visible improvement4 ,afterwards ,i wished ,i had continued in that trance for ever1 and that ,i had not returned to consciousness1 because of an abiding sense of contempt for everything here below2 all seemed to be filth2 and ,i see how meanly we employ ourselves who are detained on earth4 #e4 ,when ,i was staying with that lady of whom ,i have been speaking1 #a it happened to me once when ,i was suffering from my heart1--for1 as ,i have said1 #b ,i suffered greatly at one time1 though not so much now1--that she1 being a person of great charity1 brought out her jewels set in gold1 and precious stones of great price1 and particularly a diamond1 which she valued very much4 ,she thought this might amuse me2 but ,i laughed to myself1 and was very sorry to see what men made much of2 for ,i thought of what our ,lord had laid up for us1 and considered how impossible it was for me1 even if ,i made the effort1 to have any appreciation whatever of such things1 provided our ,lord did not permit me to forget what ,he was keeping for us4 #f4 ,a soul in this state attains to a certain freedom1 which is so complete that none can understand it who does not possess it4 ,it is a real and true detachment1 independent of our efforts2 ,god effects it all ,himself2 for ,his ,majesty reveals the truth in such a way1 that it remains so deeply impressed on our souls as to make it clear that we of ourselves could not thus acquire it in so short a time4 #g4 ,the fear of death1 also1 was now very slight in me1 who had always been in great dread of it2 now it seems to me that death is a very light thing for one who serves ,god1 because the soul is in a moment delivered thereby out of its prison1 and at rest4 ,this elevation of the spirit1 and the vision of things so high1 in these trances seem to me to have a great likeness to the flight of the soul from the body1 in that it finds itself in a moment in the possession of these good things4 ,we put aside the agonies of its dissolution1 of which no great account is to be made2 for they who love ,god in truth1 and are utterly detached from the things of this life1 must die with the greater sweetness4 #h4 ,it seems to me1 also1 that the rapture was a great help to recognise our true home1 and to see that we are pilgrims here2 #c it is a great thing to see what is going on there and to know where we have to live2 for if a person has to go and settle in another country1 it is a great help to him1 in undergoing the fatigues of his journey1 that he has discovered it to be a country where he may live in the most perfect peace4 ,moreover1 it makes it easy for us to think of the things of heaven1 and to have our conversation there4 #d ,it is a great gain1 because the mere looking up to heaven makes the soul recollected2 for as our ,lord has been pleased to reveal heaven in some degree1 my soul dwells upon it in thought2 and it happens occasionally that they who are about me1 and with whom ,i find consolation1 are those whom ,i know to be living in heaven1 and that ,i look upon them only as really alive2 while those who are on earth are so dead1 that the whole world seems unable to furnish me with companions1 particularly when these impetuosities of love are upon me4 ,everything seems a dream1 and what ,i see with the bodily eyes an illusion4 ,what ,i have seen with the eyes of the soul is that which my soul desires2 and as it finds itself far away from those things1 that is death4 #i4 ,in a word1 it is a very great mercy which our ,lord gives to that soul to which ,he grants the like visions1 for they help it in much1 and also in carrying a heavy cross1 since nothing satisfies it1 and everything is against it2 and if our ,lord did not now and then suffer these visions to be forgotten1 though they recur again and again to the memory1 ,i know not how life could be borne4 ,may ,he be blessed and praised for ever and ever6 ,i implore ,his ,majesty by that ,blood which ,his ,son shed for me1 now that1 of ,his good pleasure1 ,i know something of these great blessings1 and begin to have the fruition of them1 that it may not be with me as it was with ,lucifer1 who by his own fault forfeited it all4 ,i beseech ,thee1 for ,thine own sake1 not to suffer this2 for ,i am at times in great fear1 though at others1 and most frequently1 the mercy of ,god reassures me1 for ,he who has delivered me from so many sins will not withdraw ,his hand from under me1 and let me be lost4 ,i pray you1 my father1 to beg this grace for me always4 #aj4 ,the mercies1 then1 hitherto described1 are not1 in my opinion1 so great as those which ,i am now going to speak of1 on many accounts1 because of the great blessings they have brought with them1 and because of the great fortitude which my soul derived from them2 and yet every one separately considered is so great1 that there is nothing to be compared with them4 #aa4 ,one day--it was the eve of ,pentecost--,i went after ,mass to a very lonely spot1 where ,i used to pray very often1 and began to read about the feast in the book of a ,carthusian2 #e and reading of the marks by which beginners1 proficients1 and the perfect may know that they have the ,holy ,ghost1 it seemed to me1 when ,i had read of these three states1 that by the goodness of ,god1 so far as ,i could understand1 the ,holy ,ghost was with me4 ,i praised ,god for it2 and calling to mind how on another occasion1 when ,i read this1 ,i was very deficient1--for ,i saw most distinctly at that time how deficient ,i was then from what ,i saw ,i was now1--,i recognised herein the great mercy of our ,lord to me1 and so began to consider the place which my sins had earned for me in hell1 and praised ,god exceedingly1 because it seemed as if ,i did not know my own soul again1 so great a change had come over it4 #ab4 ,while thinking of these things1 my soul was carried away with extreme violence1 and ,i knew not why4 ,it seemed as if it would have gone forth out of the body1 for it could not contain itself1 nor was it able to hope for so great a good4 ,the impetuosity was so excessive that ,i had no power left1 and1 as ,i think1 different from what ,i had been used to4 ,i knew not what ailed my soul1 nor what it desired1 for it was so changed4 ,i leaned for support1 for ,i could not sit1 because my natural strength had utterly failed4 #ac4 ,then ,i saw over my head a dove1 very different from those we usually see1 for it had not the same plumage1 but wings formed of small shells shining brightly4 ,it was larger than an ordinary dove2 ,i thought ,i heard the rustling of its wings4 ,it hovered above me during the space of an ,ave ,maria4 ,but such was the state of my soul1 that in losing itself it lost also the sight of the dove4 ,my spirit grew calm with such a guest2 and yet1 as ,i think1 a grace so wonderful might have disturbed and frightened it2 and as it began to rejoice in the vision1 it was delivered from all fear1 and with the joy came peace1 my soul continuing entranced4 ,the joy of this rapture was exceedingly great2 and for the rest of that festal time ,i was so amazed and bewildered that ,i did not know what ,i was doing1 nor how ,i could have received so great a grace4 ,i neither heard nor saw anything1 so to speak1 because of my great inward joy4 ,from that day forth ,i perceived in myself a very great progress in the highest love of ,god1 together with a great increase in the strength of my virtues4 ,may ,he be blessed and praised for ever6 ,amen4 #ad4 ,on another occasion ,i saw that very dove above the head of one of the ,dominican fathers2 but it seemed to me that the rays and brightness of the wings were far greater4 ,i understood by this that he was to draw souls unto ,god4 #ae4 ,at another time ,i saw our ,lady putting a cope of exceeding whiteness on that ,licentiate of the same ,order1 of whom ,i have made mention more than once4 #f ,she told me that she gave him that cope in consideration of the service he had rendered her by helping to found this house1 #g that it was a sign that she would preserve his soul pure for the future1 and that he should not fall into mortal sin4 ,i hold it for certain that so it came to pass1 for he died within a few years2 his death and the rest of his life were so penitential1 his whole life and death so holy1 that1 so far as anything can be known1 there cannot be a doubt on the subject4 ,one of the friars present at his death told me that1 before he breathed his last1 he said to him that ,st4 ,thomas was with him4 #h ,he died in great joy1 longing to depart out of this land of exile4 #af4 ,since then he has appeared to me more than once in exceedingly great glory1 and told me certain things4 ,he was so given to prayer1 that when he was dying1 and would have interrupted it if he could because of his great weakness1 he was not able to do so2 for he was often in a trance4 ,he wrote to me not long before he died1 and asked me what he was to do2 for as soon as he had said ,mass he fell into a trance which lasted a long time1 and which he could not hinder4 ,at last ,god gave him the reward of the many services of his whole life4 #ag4 ,i had certain visions1 too1 of the great graces which our ,lord bestowed upon that rector of the ,society of ,jesus1 of whom ,i have spoken already more than once2 #i but ,i will not say anything of them now1 lest ,i should be too tedious4 ,it was his lot once to be in great trouble1 to suffer great persecution and distress4 ,one day1 when ,i was hearing ,mass1 ,i saw ,christ on the ,cross at the elevation of the ,host4 ,he spoke certain words to me1 which ,i was to repeat to that father for his comfort1 together with others1 which were to warn him beforehand of what was coming1 and to remind him of what ,he had suffered on his behalf1 and that he must prepare for suffering4 ,this gave him great consolation and courage2 and everything came to pass afterwards as our ,lord had told me4 #ah4 ,i have seen great things of members of the ,order to which this father belongs1 which is the ,society of ,jesus1 and of the whole ,order itself2 ,i have occasionally seen them in heaven with white banners in their hands1 and ,i have had other most wonderful visions1 as ,i am saying1 about them1 and therefore have a great veneration for this ,order2 for ,i have had a great deal to do with those who are of it1 and ,i see that their lives are conformed to that which our ,lord gave me to understand about them4 #ai4 ,one night1 when ,i was in prayer1 our ,lord spoke to me certain words1 whereby ,he made me remember the great wickedness of my past life4 ,they filled me with shame and distress2 for though they were not spoken with severity1 they caused a feeling and a painfulness which were too much for me3 and we feel that we make greater progress in the knowledge of ourselves when we hear one of these words1 than we can make by a meditation of many days on our own misery1 because these words impress the truth upon us at the same time in such a way that we cannot resist it4 ,he set before me the former inclinations of my will to vanities1 and told me to make much of the desire ,i now had that my will1 which had been so ill employed1 should be fixed on ,him1 and that ,he would accept it4 #bj4 ,on other occasions ,he told me to remember how ,i used to think it an honourable thing to go against ,his honour2 and1 again1 to remember my debt to ,him1 for when ,i was most rebellious ,he was bestowing ,his graces upon me4 ,if ,i am doing anything wrong--and my wrong-doings are many--,his ,majesty makes me see it in such a way that ,i am utterly confounded2 and as ,i do so often1 that happens often also4 ,i have been found fault with by my confessors occasionally2 and on betaking myself to prayer for consolation1 have received a real reprimand4 #ba4 ,to return to what ,i was speaking of4 ,when our ,lord made me remember my wicked life1 ,i wept2 for as ,i considered that ,i had then never done any good1 ,i thought ,he might be about to bestow upon me some special grace2 because most frequently1 when ,i receive any particular mercy from our ,lord1 it is when ,i have been previously greatly humiliated1 in order that ,i may the more clearly see how far ,i am from deserving it4 ,i think our ,lord must do it for that end4 #bb4 ,almost immediately after this ,i was so raised up in spirit that ,i thought myself to be1 as it were1 out of the body2 at least1 ,i did not know that ,i was living in it4 #aj ,i had a vision of the most ,sacred ,humanity in exceeding glory1 greater than ,i had ever seen ,it in before4 ,i beheld ,it in a wonderful and clear way in the bosom of the ,father4 ,i cannot tell how it was1 for ,i saw myself1 without seeing1 as it seemed to me1 in the presence of ,god4 ,my amazement was such that ,i remained1 as ,i believe1 some days before ,i could recover myself4 ,i had continually before me1 as present1 the ,majesty of the ,son of ,god1 though not so distinctly as in the vision4 ,i understood this well enough2 but the vision remained so impressed on my imagination1 that ,i could not get rid of it for some time1 though it had lasted but a moment2 it is a great comfort to me1 and also a great blessing4 #bc4 ,i have had this vision on three other occasions1 and it is1 ,i think1 the highest vision of all the visions which our ,lord in ,his mercy showed me4 ,the fruits of it are the very greatest1 for it seems to purify the soul in a wonderful way1 and destroy1 as it were utterly1 altogether the strength of our sensual nature4 ,it is a grand flame of fire1 which seems to burn up and annihilate all the desires of this life4 ,for though now--glory be to ,god6--,i had no desire after vanities1 ,i saw clearly in the vision how all things are vanity1 and how hollow are all the dignities of earth2 it was a great lesson1 teaching me to raise up my desires to the ,truth alone4 ,it impresses on the soul a sense of the presence of ,god such as ,i cannot in any way describe1 only it is very different from that which it is in our own power to acquire on earth4 ,it fills the soul with profound astonishment at its own daring1 and at any one else being able to dare to offend ,his most awful ,majesty4 #bd4 ,i must have spoken now and then of the effects of visions1 #aa and of other matters of the same kind1 and ,i have already said that the blessings they bring with them are of various degrees2 but those of this vision are the highest of all4 ,when ,i went to ,communion once ,i called to mind the exceeding great majesty of ,him ,i had seen1 and considered that it was ,he who is present in the most ,holy ,sacrament1 and very often our ,lord was pleased to show ,himself to me in the ,host2 the very hairs on my head stood1 #ab and ,i thought ,i should come to nothing4 #be4 ,o my ,lord6 ah1 if ,thou didst not throw a veil over ,thy greatness1 who would dare1 being so foul and miserable1 to come in contact with ,thy great ,majesty8 ,blessed be ,thou1 ,o ,lord2 may the angels and all creation praise ,thee1 who orderest all things according to the measure of our weakness1 so that1 when we have the fruition of ,thy sovereign mercies1 ,thy great power may not terrify us1 so that we dare not1 being a frail and miserable race1 persevere in that fruition6 #bf4 ,it might happen to us as it did to the labourer--,i know it to be a certain fact--who found a treasure beyond his expectations1 which were mean4 ,when he saw himself in possession of it1 he was seized with melancholy1 which by degrees brought him to his grave through simple distress and anxiety of mind1 because he did not know what to do with his treasure4 ,if he had not found it all at once1 and if others had given him portions of it by degrees1 maintaining him thereby1 he might have been more happy than he had been in his poverty1 nor would it have cost him his life4 #bg4 ,o ,thou ,treasure of the poor6 how marvellously ,thou sustainest souls1 showing to them1 not all at once1 but by little and little1 the abundance of ,thy riches6 ,when ,i behold ,thy great ,majesty hidden beneath that which is so slight as the ,host is1 ,i am filled with wonder1 ever since that vision1 at ,thy great wisdom2 and ,i know not how it is that our ,lord gives me the strength and courage necessary to draw near to him1 were it not that ,he who has had such compassion on me1 and still has1 gives me strength1 nor would it be possible for me to be silent1 or refrain from making known marvels so great4 #bh4 ,what must be the thoughts of a wretched person such as ,i am1 full of abominations1 and who has spent her life with so little fear of ,god1 when she draws near to our ,lord's great ,majesty1 at the moment ,he is pleased to show ,himself to my soul8 ,how can ,i open my mouth1 that has uttered so many words against ,him1 to receive that most glorious ,body1 purity and compassion itself8 ,the love that is visible in ,his most beautiful ,face1 sweet and tender1 pains and distresses the soul1 because it has not served ,him1 more than all the terrors of ,his ,majesty4 ,what should have been my thoughts1 then1 on those two occasions when ,i saw what ,i have described8 ,truly1 ,o my ,lord and my joy1 ,i am going to say that in some way1 in these great afflictions of my soul1 ,i have done something in ,thy service4 ,ah6 ,i know not what ,i am saying1 for ,i am writing this as if the words were not mine1 #ac because ,i am troubled1 and in some measure beside myself1 when ,i call these things to remembrance4 ,if these thoughts were really mine1 ,i might well say that ,i had done something for ,thee1 ,o my ,lord2 but as ,i can have no good thought if ,thou givest it not1 no thanks are due to me2 ,i am the debtor1 ,o ,lord1 and it is ,thou who art the offended ,one4 #bi4 ,once1 when ,i was going to ,communion1 ,i saw with the eyes of the soul1 more distinctly than with those of the body1 two devils of most hideous shape2 their horns seemed to encompass the throat of the poor priest2 and ,i beheld my ,lord1 in that great majesty of which ,i have spoken1 #ad held in the hands of that priest1 in the ,host he was about to give me4 ,it was plain that those hands were those of a sinner1 and ,i felt that the soul of that priest was in mortal sin4 ,what must it be1 ,o my ,lord1 to look upon ,thy beauty amid shapes so hideous6 ,the two devils were so frightened and cowed in ,thy presence1 that they seemed as if they would have willingly run away1 hadst ,thou but given them leave4 ,so troubled was ,i by the vision1 that ,i knew not how ,i could go to ,communion4 ,i was also in great fear1 for ,i thought1 if the vision was from ,god1 that ,his ,majesty would not have allowed me to see the evil state of that soul4 #ae #cj4 ,our ,lord ,himself told me to pray for that priest2 that ,he had allowed this in order that ,i might understand the power of the words of consecration1 and how ,god failed not to be present1 however wicked the priest might be who uttered them2 and that ,i might see ,his great goodness in that ,he left ,himself in the very hands of ,his enemy1 for my good and for the good of all4 ,i understood clearly how the priests are under greater obligations to be holy than other persons2 and what a horrible thing it is to receive this most ,holy ,sacrament unworthily1 and how great is the devil's dominion over a soul in mortal sin4 ,it did me a great service1 and made me fully understand what ,i owe to ,god4 ,may ,he be blessed for evermore6 #ca4 ,at another time ,i had a vision of a different kind1 which frightened me very much4 ,i was in a place where a certain person died1 who as ,i understood had led a very bad life1 and that for many years4 ,but he had been ill for two years1 and in some respects seemed to have reformed4 ,he died without confession2 nevertheless1 ,i did not think he would be damned4 ,when the body had been wrapped in the winding-sheet1 ,i saw it laid hold of by a multitude of devils1 who seemed to toss it to and fro1 and also to treat it with great cruelty4 ,i was terrified at the sight1 for they dragged it about with great hooks4 ,but when ,i saw it carried to the grave with all the respect and ceremoniousness common to all1 ,i began to think of the goodness of ,god1 who would not allow that person to be dishonoured1 but would have the fact of his being ,his enemy concealed4 #cb4 ,i was almost out of my senses at the sight4 ,during the whole of the funeral service1 ,i did not see one of the evil spirits4 ,afterwards1 when the body was about to be laid in the grave1 so great a multitude of them was therein waiting to receive it1 that ,i was beside myself at the sight1 and it required no slight courage on my part not to betray my distress4 ,i thought of the treatment which that soul would receive1 when the devils had such power over the wretched body4 ,would to ,god that all who live in mortal sin might see what ,i then saw1--it was a fearful sight2 it would go1 ,i believe1 a great way towards making them lead better lives4 #cc4 ,all this made me know more of what ,i owe to ,god1 and of the evils from which ,he has delivered me4 ,i was in great terror4 ,i spoke of it to my confessor1 and ,i thought it might be an illusion of ,satan1 in order to take away my good opinion of that person1 who yet was not accounted a very good ,christian4 ,the truth is1 that1 whether it was an illusion or not1 it makes me afraid whenever ,i think of it4 #cd4 ,now that ,i have begun to speak of the visions ,i had concerning the dead1 ,i will mention some matters which our ,lord was pleased to reveal to me in relation to certain souls4 ,i will confine myself to a few for the sake of brevity1 and because they are not necessary2 ,i mean that they are not for our profit4 ,they told me that one who had been our ,provincial--he was then of another province--was dead4 ,he was a man of great virtue1 with whom ,i had had a great deal to do1 and to whom ,i was under many obligations for certain kindnesses shown me4 ,when ,i heard that he was dead1 ,i was exceedingly troubled1 because ,i trembled for his salvation1 seeing that he had been superior for twenty years4 ,that is what ,i dread very much2 for the cure of souls seems to me to be full of danger4 ,i went to an oratory in great distress1 and gave up to him all the good ,i had ever done in my whole life1--it was little enough1--and prayed our ,lord that ,his merits might fill up what was wanting1 in order that this soul might be delivered up from purgatory4 #ce4 ,while ,i was thus praying to our ,lord as well as ,i could1 he seemed to me to rise up from the depths of the earth on my right hand1 and ,i saw him ascend to heaven in exceeding great joy4 ,he was a very old man then1 but ,i saw him as if he were only thirty years old1 and ,i thought even younger1 and there was a brightness in his face4 ,this vision passed away very quickly2 but ,i was so exceedingly comforted by it1 that ,i could never again mourn his death1 although many persons were distressed at it1 for he was very much beloved4 ,so greatly comforted was my soul1 that nothing disturbed it1 neither could ,i doubt the truth of the vision2 ,i mean that it was no illusion4 #cf4 ,i had this vision about a fortnight after he was dead2 nevertheless1 ,i did not omit to obtain prayers for him and ,i prayed myself1 only ,i could not pray with the same earnestness that ,i should have done if ,i had not seen that vision4 ,for when our ,lord showed him thus to me1 it seemed to me afterwards1 when ,i prayed for him to ,his ,majesty1--and ,i could not help it1--that ,i was like one who gave alms to a rich man4 ,later on ,i heard an account of the death he died in our ,lord--he was far away from here2 it was one of such great edification1 that he left all wondering to see how recollected1 how penitent1 and how humble he was when he died4 #cg4 ,a nun1 who was a great servant of ,god1 died in this house4 ,on the next day one of the sisters was reciting the lesson in the ,office of the ,dead1 which was said in choir for that nun's soul1 and ,i was standing myself to assist her in singing the versicle1 when1 in the middle of the lesson1 ,i saw the departed nun as ,i believe1 in a vision2 her soul seemed to rise on my right hand like the soul of the ,provincial1 and ascend to heaven4 ,this vision was not imaginary1 like the preceding1 but like those others of which ,i have spoken before2 #af it is not less certain1 however1 than the other visions ,i had4 #ch4 ,another nun died in this same house of mine1 she was about eighteen or twenty years of age1 and had always been sickly4 ,she was a great servant of ,god1 attentive in choir1 and a person of great virtue4 ,i certainly thought that she would not go to purgatory1 on account of her exceeding merits1 because the infirmities under which she had laboured were many4 ,while ,i was saying the ,office1 before she was buried1--she had been dead about four hours1--,i saw her rise in the same place and ascend to heaven4 #ci4 ,i was once in one of the colleges of the ,society of ,jesus1 and in one of those great sufferings which1 as ,i have said1 #ag ,i occasionally had1 and still have1 both in soul and body1 and then so grievously that ,i was not able1 as it seemed to me1 to have even one good thought4 ,the night before1 one of the brothers of that house had died in it2 and ,i1 as well as ,i could1 was commending his soul to ,god1 and hearing the ,mass which another father of that ,society was saying for him when ,i became recollected at once1 and saw him go up to heaven in great glory1 and our ,lord with him4 ,i understood that ,his ,majesty went with him by way of special grace4 #dj4 ,another brother of our ,order1 a good friar1 was very ill2 and when ,i was at ,mass1 ,i became recollected and saw him dead1 entering into heaven without going through purgatory4 ,he died1 as ,i afterwards learned1 at the very time of my vision4 ,i was amazed that he had not gone to purgatory4 ,i understood that1 having become a friar and carefully kept the rule1 the ,bulls of the ,order had been of use to him1 so that he did not pass into purgatory4 ,i do not know why ,i came to have this revealed to me2 ,i think it must be because ,i was to learn that it is not enough for a man to be a friar in his habit--,i mean1 to wear the habit--to attain to that state of high perfection which that of a friar is4 #da4 ,i will speak no more of these things1 because as ,i have just said1 #ah there is no necessity for it1 though our ,lord has been so gracious to me as to show me much4 ,but in all the visions ,i had1 ,i saw no souls escape purgatory except this ,carmelite father1 the holy friar ,peter of ,alcantara1 and that ,dominican father of whom ,i spoke before4 #ai ,it pleased our ,lord to let me see the degree of glory to which some souls have been raised1 showing them to me in the places they occupy4 ,there is a great difference between one place and another4 #a4 ,ch4 xxxiv4 ,doa ,luisa de la ,cerda1 at ,toledo4 #b4 ,ch4 iv4 #f4 #c4 #a ,st4 ,peter ii4 #aa3 ,advenas et peregrinos4 #d4 ,philipp4 iii4 #bj3 ,nostra autem conversatio in coelis est4 #e4 ,the ,life of ,christ1 by ,ludolf of ,saxony4 #f4 ,f4 ,pedro ,ibaez4 ,see ch4 xxxiii4 #e1 ch4 xxxvi4 #bc4 ,this father died ,prior of ,trianos1 is written on the margin of the ,,ms4 by ,f4 ,baes 7,de la ,fuente74 #g4 ,st4 ,joseph1 ,avila1 where ,st4 ,teresa was living at this time4 #h4 ,see below1 #da4 #i4 ,f4 ,gaspar de ,salazar3 see ch4 xxxiii4 #i1 ch4 xxxiv4 #b4 ,it appears from the #agith letter of the ,saint 7lett4 #bj1 vol4 i4 of the ,doblado edition7 that ,f4 ,salazar was reported to his ,provincial1 ,f4 ,juan ,suarez1 as having desire to quit the ,society for the ,carmelite ,order4 #aj4 #b ,cor4 xii4 #b3 ,sive in corpore nescio1 sive extra corpus nescio4 #aa4 ,see ch4 xxviii4 #ab4 ,job iv4 #ae3 ,inhorruerunt pili carnis me4 #ac4 ,the biographers of the ,saint say that she often found1 on returning from an ecstasy1 certain passages written1 but not by herself2 this seems to be alluded to here 7,de la ,fuente74 #ad4 #bb4 #ae4 ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,ascent of ,mount ,carmel1 bk4 ii4 ch4 xxvi4 vol4 i4 p4 #ahc4 #af4 ,see ch4 xxvii4 #ag4 ,ch4 xxx4 #i4 #ah4 #cd4 #ai4 #ae4 ,fr4 ,pedro ,ibaez4 ,chapter ,,xxxix4 ,other ,graces ,bestowed on the ,saint4 ,the ,promises of ,our ,lord to ,her4 ,divine ,locutions and ,visions4 #a4 ,i was once importuning our ,lord exceedingly to restore the sight of a person who had claims upon me1 and who was almost wholly blind4 ,i was very sorry for him1 and afraid our ,lord would not hear me because of my sins4 ,he appeared to me as at other times1 and began to show the wound in ,his left hand2 with the other ,he drew out the great nail that was in it1 and it seemed to me that1 in drawing the nail1 ,he tore the flesh4 ,the greatness of the pain was manifest1 and ,i was very much distressed thereat4 ,he said to me1 that ,he who had borne that for my sake would still more readily grant what ,i asked ,him1 and that ,i was not to have any doubts about it4 ,he promised me there was nothing ,i should ask that ,he would not grant2 that ,he knew ,i should ask nothing that was not for ,his glory1 and that ,he would grant me what ,i was now praying for4 ,even during the time when ,i did not serve ,him1 ,i should find1 if ,i considered it1 ,i had asked nothing that ,he had not granted in an ampler manner than ,i had known how to ask2 how much more amply still would ,he grant what ,i asked for1 now that ,he knew ,i loved ,him6 ,i was not to doubt4 ,i do not think that eight days passed before our ,lord restored that person to sight4 ,my confessor knew it forthwith4 ,it might be that it was not owing to my prayer2 but1 as ,i had had the vision1 ,i have a certain conviction that it was a grace accorded to me4 ,i gave thanks to ,his ,majesty4 #b4 ,again1 a person was exceedingly ill of a most painful disease2 but1 as ,i do not know what it was1 ,i do not describe it by its name here4 ,what he had gone through for two months was beyond all endurance2 and his pain was so great that he tore his own flesh4 ,my confessor1 the rector of whom ,i have spoken1 #a went to see him2 he was very sorry for him1 and told me that ,i must anyhow go myself and visit him2 he was one whom ,i might visit1 for he was my kinsman4 ,i went1 and was moved to such a tender compassion for him that ,i began1 with the utmost importunity1 to ask our ,lord to restore him to health4 ,herein ,i saw clearly how gracious our ,lord was to me1 so far as ,i could judge2 for immediately1 the next day1 he was completely rid of that pain4 #c4 ,i was once in the deepest distress1 because ,i knew that a person to whom ,i was under great obligations was about to commit an act highly offensive to ,god and dishonourable to himself4 ,he was determined upon it4 ,i was so much harassed by this that ,i did not know what to do in order to change his purpose2 and it seemed to me as if nothing could be done4 ,i implored ,god1 from the bottom of my heart1 to find a way to hinder it2 but till ,i found it ,i could find no relief for the pain ,i felt4 ,in my distress1 ,i went to a very lonely hermitage1--one of those belonging to this monastery1--in which there is a picture of ,christ bound to the pillar2 and there1 as ,i was imploring our ,lord to grant me this grace1 ,i heard a voice of exceeding gentleness1 speaking1 as it were1 in a whisper4 #b ,my whole body trembled1 for it made me afraid4 ,i wished to understand what was said1 but ,i could not1 for it all passed away in a moment4 #d4 ,when my fears had subsided1 and that was immediately1 ,i became conscious of an inward calmness1 a joy and delight1 which made me marvel how the mere hearing a voice1--,i heard it with my bodily ears1--without understanding a word1 could have such an effect on the soul4 ,i saw by this that my prayer was granted2 and so it was2 and ,i was freed from my anxieties about a matter not yet accomplished1 as it afterwards was1 as completely as if ,i saw it done4 ,i told my confessors of it1 for ,i had two at this time1 both of them learned men1 and great servants of ,god4 #e4 ,i knew of a person who had resolved to serve ,god in all earnestness1 and had for some days given himself to prayer1 in which he bad received many graces from our ,lord1 but who had abandoned his good resolutions because of certain occasions of sin in which he was involved1 and which he would not avoid2 they were extremely perilous4 ,this caused me the utmost distress1 because the person was one for whom ,i had a great affection1 and one to whom ,i owed much4 ,for more than a month ,i believe ,i did nothing else but pray to ,god for his conversion4 ,one day1 when ,i was in prayer1 ,i saw a devil close by in a great rage1 tearing to pieces some paper which he had in his hands4 ,that sight consoled me greatly1 because it seemed that my prayer had been heard4 ,so it was1 as ,i learnt afterwards2 for that person had made his confession with great contrition1 and returned to ,god so sincerely1 that ,i trust in ,his ,majesty he will always advance further and further4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever6 ,amen4 #f4 ,in answer to my prayers1 our ,lord has very often rescued souls from mortal sins and led others on to greater perfection4 ,but as to the delivering of souls out of purgatory1 and other remarkable acts1 so many are the mercies of our ,lord herein1 that were ,i to speak of them ,i should only weary myself and my reader4 ,but ,he has done more by me for the salvation of souls than for the health of the body4 ,this is very well known1 and there are many to bear witness to it4 #g4 ,at first it made me scrupulous1 because ,i could not help thinking that our ,lord did these things in answer to my prayer2 ,i say nothing of the chief reason of all--,his pure compassion4 ,but now these graces are so many1 and so well known to others1 that it gives me no pain to think so4 ,i bless ,his ,majesty1 and abase myself1 because ,i am still more deeply in ,his debt2 and ,i believe that ,he makes my desire to serve ,him grow1 and my love revive4 #h4 ,but what amazes me most is this3 however much ,i may wish to pray for those graces which our ,lord sees not to be expedient1 ,i cannot do it2 and if ,i try1 ,i do so with little earnestness1 force1 and spirit3 it is impossible to do more1 even if ,i would4 ,but it is not so as to those which ,his ,majesty intends to grant4 ,these ,i can pray for constantly1 and with great importunity2 though ,i do not carry them in my memory1 they seem to present themselves to me at once4 #c #i4 ,there is a great difference between these two ways of praying1 and ,i know not how to explain it4 ,as to the first1 when ,i pray for those graces which our ,lord does not mean to grant1--even though they concern me very nearly1--,i am like one whose tongue is tied2 who1 though he would speak1 yet cannot2 or1 if he speaks1 sees that people do not listen to him4 ,and yet ,i do not fail to force myself to pray1 though not conscious of that fervour which ,i have when praying for those graces which our ,lord intends to give4 ,in the second case1 ,i am like one who speaks clearly and intelligibly to another1 whom he sees to be a willing listener4 #aj4 ,the prayer that is not to be heard is1 so to speak1 like vocal prayer2 the other is a prayer of contemplation so high that our ,lord shows ,himself in such a way as to make us feel ,he hears us1 and that ,he delights in our prayer1 and that ,he is about to grant our petition4 ,blessed be ,he for ever who gives me so much and to whom ,i give so little6 ,for what is he worth1 ,o my ,lord1 who does not utterly abase himself to nothing for ,thee8 ,how much1 how much1 how much1--,i might say so a thousand times1--,i fall short of this6 ,it is on this account that ,i do not wish to live1--though there be other reasons also1--because ,i do not live according to the obligations which bind me to ,thee4 ,what imperfections ,i trace in myself6 what remissness in ,thy service6 ,certainly1 ,i could wish occasionally ,i had no sense1 that ,i might be unconscious of the great evil that is in me4 ,may ,he who can do all things help me6 #aa4 ,when ,i was staying in the house of that lady of whom ,i have spoken before1 #d it was necessary for me to be very watchful over myself1 and keep continually in mind the intrinsic vanity of all the things of this life1 because of the great esteem ,i was held in1 and of the praises bestowed on me4 ,there was much there to which ,i might have become attached1 if ,i had looked only to myself2 but ,i looked to ,him who sees things as they really are1 not to let me go out of ,his hand4 ,now that ,i speak of seeing things as they really are1 ,i remember how great a trial it is for those to whom ,god has granted a true insight into the things of earth to have to discuss them with others4 ,they wear so many disguises1 as our ,lord once told me1--and much of what ,i am saying of them is not from myself1 but rather what my ,heavenly ,master has taught me2 and therefore1 in speaking of them1 when ,i say distinctly ,i understood this1 or our ,lord told me this1 ,i am very scrupulous neither to add nor to take away one single syllable2 so1 when ,i do not clearly remember everything exactly1 that must be taken as coming from myself1 and some things1 perhaps1 are so altogether4 ,i do not call mine that which is good1 for ,i know there is no other good in me but only that which our ,lord gave me when ,i was so far from deserving it3 ,i call that mine which ,i speak without having had it made known to me by revelation4 #ab4 ,but1 ,o my ,god1 how is it that we too often judge even spiritual things1 as we do those of the world1 by our own understanding1 wresting them grievously from their true meaning8 ,we think we may measure our progress by the years which we have given to the exercise of prayer2 we even think we can prescribe limits to ,him who bestows ,his gifts not by measure #e when ,he wills1 and who in six months can give to one more than to another in many years4 ,this is a fact which ,i have so frequently observed in many persons1 that ,i am surprised how any of us can deny it4 #ac4 ,i am certainly convinced that he will not remain under this delusion who possesses the gift of discerning spirits1 and to whom our ,lord has given real humility2 for such a one will judge of them by the fruits1 by the good resolutions and love1--and our ,lord gives him light to understand the matter2 and herein ,he regards the progress and advancement of souls1 not the years they may have spent in prayer2 for one person may make greater progress in six months than another in twenty years1 because1 as ,i said before1 our ,lord gives to whom ,he will1 particularly to him who is best disposed4 #ad4 ,i see this in certain persons of tender years who have come to this monastery1--,god touches their hearts1 and gives them a little light and love4 ,i speak of that brief interval in which ,he gives them sweetness in prayer1 and then they wait for nothing further1 and make light of every difficulty1 forgetting the necessity even of food2 for they shut themselves up for ever in a house that is unendowed1 as persons who make no account of their life1 for ,his sake1 who1 they know1 loves them4 ,they give up everything1 even their own will2 and it never enters into their mind that they might be discontented in so small a house1 and where enclosure is so strictly observed4 ,they offer themselves wholly in sacrifice to ,god4 #ae4 ,oh1 how willingly do ,i admit that they are better than ,i am6 and how ,i ought to be ashamed of myself before ,god6 ,what ,his ,majesty has not been able to accomplish in me in so many years1--it is long ago since ,i began to pray1 and ,he to bestow ,his graces upon me1--,he accomplished in them in three months1 and in some of them even in three days1 though he gives them much fewer graces than ,he gave to me3 and yet ,his ,majesty rewards them well2 most assuredly they are not sorry for what they have done for ,him4 #af4 ,i wish1 therefore1 we reminded ourselves of those long years which have gone by since we made our religious profession4 ,i say this to those persons1 also1 who have given themselves long ago to prayer1 but not for the purpose of distressing those who in a short time have made greater progress than we have made1 by making them retrace their steps1 so that they may proceed only as we do ourselves4 ,we must not desire those who1 because of the graces ,god has given them1 are flying like eagles1 to become like chickens whose feet are tied4 ,let us rather look to ,his ,majesty1 and give these souls the reins1 if we see that they are humble2 for our ,lord1 who has had such compassion upon them1 will not let them fall into the abyss4 #ag4 ,these souls trust themselves in the hands of ,god1 for the truth1 which they learn by faith1 helps them to do it2 and shall not we also trust them to ,him1 without seeking to measure them by our measure which is that of our meanness of spirit8 ,we must not do it2 for if we cannot ascend to the heights of their great love and courage1--without experience none can comprehend them--let us humble ourselves1 and not condemn them2 for1 by this seeming regard to their progress1 we hinder our own1 and miss the opportunity our ,lord gives us to humble ourselves1 to ascertain our own shortcomings1 and learn how much more detached and more near to ,god these souls must be than we are1 seeing that ,his ,majesty draws so near to them ,himself4 #ah4 ,i have no other intention here1 and ,i wish to have no other1 than to express my preference for the prayer that in a short time results in these great effects1 which show themselves at once2 for it is impossible they should enable us to leave all things only to please ,god1 if they were not accompanied with a vehement love4 ,i would rather have that prayer than that which lasted many years1 but which at the end of the time1 as well as at the beginning1 never issued in a resolution to do anything for ,god1 with the exception of some trifling services1 like a grain of salt1 without weight or bulk1 and which a bird might carry away in its mouth4 ,is it not a serious and mortifying thought that we are making much of certain services which we render our ,lord1 but which are too pitiable to be considered1 even if they were many in number8 ,this is my case1 and ,i am forgetting every moment the mercies of our ,lord4 ,i do not mean that ,his ,majesty will not make much of them ,himself1 for ,he is good2 but ,i wish ,i made no account of them myself1 or even perceived that ,i did them1 for they are nothing worth4 #ai4 ,but1 ,o my ,lord1 do ,thou forgive me1 and blame me not1 if ,i try to console myself a little with the little ,i do1 seeing that ,i do not serve ,thee at all2 for if ,i rendered ,thee any great services1 ,i should not think of these trifles4 ,blessed are they who serve ,thee in great deeds2 if envying these1 and desiring to do what they do1 were of any help to me1 ,i should not be so far behind them as ,i am in pleasing ,thee2 but ,i am nothing worth1 ,o my ,lord2 do ,thou make me of some worth1 ,thou who lovest me so much4 #bj4 ,during one of those days1 when this monastery1 which seems to have cost me some labour1 was fully founded by the arrival of the ,brief from ,rome1 which empowered us to live without an endowment2 #f and ,i was comforting myself at seeing the whole affair concluded1 and thinking of all the trouble ,i had had1 and giving thanks to our ,lord for having been pleased to make some use of me1--it happened that ,i began to consider all that we had gone through4 ,well1 so it was2 in every one of my actions1 which ,i thought were of some service1 ,i traced so many faults and imperfections1 now and then but little courage1 very frequently a want of faith2 for until this moment1 when ,i see everything accomplished1 ,i never absolutely believed2 neither1 however1 on the other hand1 could ,i doubt what our ,lord said to me about the foundation of this house4 ,i cannot tell how it was2 very often the matter seemed to me1 on the one hand1 impossible2 and1 on the other hand1 ,i could not be in doubt2 ,i mean1 ,i could not believe that it would not be accomplished4 ,in short1 ,i find that our ,lord ,himself1 on ,his part1 did all the good that was done1 while ,i did all the evil4 ,i therefore ceased to think of the matter1 and wished never to be reminded of it again1 lest ,i should do myself some harm by dwelling on my many faults4 ,blessed be ,he who1 when ,he pleases1 draws good out of all my failings6 ,amen4 #ba4 ,i say1 then1 there is danger in counting the years we have given to prayer2 for1 granting that there is nothing in it against humility1 it seems to me to imply something like an appearance of thinking that we have merited1 in some degree1 by the service rendered4 ,i do not mean that there is no merit in it at all1 nor that it will not be well rewarded2 yet if any spiritual person thinks1 because he has given himself to prayer for many years1 that he deserves any spiritual consolations1 ,i am sure he will never attain to spiritual perfection4 ,is it not enough that a man has merited the protection of ,god1 which keeps him from committing those sins into which he fell before he began to pray1 but he must also1 as they say1 sue ,god for ,his own money8 #bb4 ,this does not seem to me to be deep humility1 and yet it may be that it is2 however1 ,i look on it as great boldness1 for ,i1 who have very little humility1 have never ventured upon it4 ,it may be that ,i never asked for it1 because ,i had never served ,him2 perhaps1 if ,i had served ,him1 ,i should have been more importunate than all others with our ,lord for my reward4 #bc4 ,i do not mean that the soul makes no progress in time1 or that ,god will not reward it1 if its prayer has been humble2 but ,i do mean that we should forget the number of years we have been praying1 because all that we can do is utterly worthless in comparison with one drop of blood out of those which our ,lord shed for us4 ,and if the more we serve ,him1 the more we become ,his debtors1 what is it1 then1 we are asking for8 for1 if we pay one farthing of the debt1 ,he gives us back a thousand ducats4 ,for the love of ,god1 let us leave these questions alone1 for they belong to ,him4 ,comparisons are always bad1 even in earthly things2 what1 then1 must they be in that1 the knowledge of which ,god has reserved to ,himself8 ,his ,majesty showed this clearly enough1 when those who came late and those who came early to ,his vineyard received the same wages4 #g #bd4 ,i have sat down so often to write1 and have been so many days writing these three leaves1--for1 as ,i have said1 #h ,i had1 and have still1 but few opportunities1--that ,i forgot what ,i had begun with1 namely1 the following vision4 #i #be4 ,i was in prayer1 and saw myself on a wide plain all alone4 ,round about me stood a great multitude of all kinds of people1 who hemmed me in on every side2 all of them seemed to have weapons of war in their hands1 to hurt me2 some had spears1 others swords2 some had daggers1 and others very long rapiers4 ,in short1 ,i could not move away in any direction without exposing myself to the hazard of death1 and ,i was alone1 without any one to take my part4 ,in this my distress of mind1 not knowing what to do1 ,i lifted up my eyes to heaven1 and saw ,christ1 not in heaven1 but high above me in the air1 holding out ,his hand to me1 and there protecting me in such a way that ,i was no longer afraid of all that multitude1 neither could they1 though they wished it1 do me any harm4 #bf4 ,at first the vision seemed to have no results2 but it has been of the greatest help to me1 since ,i understood what it meant4 ,not long afterwards1 ,i saw myself1 as it were1 exposed to the like assault1 and ,i saw that the vision represented the world1 because everything in it takes up arms against the poor soul4 ,we need not speak of those who are not great servants of our ,lord1 nor of honours1 possessions1 and pleasures1 with other things of the same nature2 for it is clear that the soul1 if it be not watchful1 will find itself caught in a net1--at least1 all these things labour to ensnare it2 more than this1 so also do friends and relatives1 and--what frightens me most--even good people4 ,i found myself afterwards so beset on all sides1 good people thinking they were doing good1 and ,i knowing not how to defend myself1 nor what to do4 #bg4 ,o my ,god1 if ,i were to say in what way1 and in how many ways1 ,i was tried at that time1 even after that trial of which ,i have just spoken1 what a warning ,i should be giving to men to hate the whole world utterly6 ,it was the greatest of all the persecutions ,i had to undergo4 ,i saw myself occasionally so hemmed in on every side1 that ,i could do nothing else but lift up my eyes to heaven1 and cry unto ,god4 #aj ,i recollected well what ,i had seen in the vision1 and it helped me greatly not to trust much in any one1 for there is no one that can be relied on except ,god4 ,in all my great trials1 our ,lord--,he showed it to me--sent always some one on ,his part to hold out his hand to help me1 as it was shown to me in the vision1 so that ,i might attach myself to nothing1 but only please our ,lord2 and this has been enough to sustain the little virtue ,i have in desiring to serve ,thee3 be ,thou blessed for evermore6 #bh4 ,on one occasion ,i was exceedingly disquieted and troubled1 unable to recollect myself1 fighting and struggling with my thoughts1 running upon matters which did not relate to perfection2 and1 moreover1 ,i did not think ,i was so detached from all things as ,i used to be4 ,when ,i found myself in this wretched state1 ,i was afraid that the graces ,i had received from our ,lord were illusions1 and the end was that a great darkness covered my soul4 ,in this my distress our ,lord began to speak to me3 ,he bade me not to harass myself1 but learn1 from the consideration of my misery1 what it would be if ,he withdrew ,himself from me1 and that we were never safe while living in the flesh4 ,it was given me to understand how this fighting and struggling are profitable to us1 because of the reward1 and it seemed to me as if our ,lord were sorry for us who live in the world4 ,moreover1 ,he bade me not to suppose that ,he had forgotten me2 ,he would never abandon me1 but it was necessary ,i should do all that ,i could myself4 #bi4 ,our ,lord said all this with great tenderness and sweetness2 ,he also spoke other most gracious words1 which ,i need not repeat4 ,his ,majesty1 further showing ,his great love for me1 said to me very often3 ,thou art ,mine1 and ,i am thine4 ,i am in the habit of saying myself1 and ,i believe in all sincerity3 ,what do ,i care for myself8--,i care only for ,thee1 ,o my ,lord4 #cj4 ,these words of our ,lord1 and the consolation ,he gives me1 fill me with the utmost shame1 when ,i remember what ,i am4 ,i have said it before1 ,i think1 #aa and ,i still say now and then to my confessor1 that it requires greater courage to receive these graces than to endure the heaviest trials4 ,when they come1 ,i forget1 as it were1 all ,i have done1 and there is nothing before me but a picture of my wretchedness1 and my understanding can make no reflections2 this1 also1 seems to me at times to be supernatural4 #ca4 ,sometimes ,i have such a vehement longing for ,communion2 ,i do not think it can be expressed4 ,one morning it happened to rain so much as to make it seem impossible to leave the house4 ,when ,i had gone out1 ,i was so beside myself with that longing1 that if spears had been pointed at my heart1 ,i should have rushed upon them2 the rain was nothing4 ,when ,i entered the church ,i fell into a deep trance1 and saw heaven open--not a door only1 as ,i used to see at other times4 ,i beheld the throne which1 as ,i have told you1 my father1 ,i saw at other times1 with another throne above it1 whereon1 though ,i saw not1 ,i understood by a certain inexplicable knowledge that the ,godhead dwelt4 #cb4 ,the throne seemed to me to be supported by certain animals2 ,i believe ,i saw the form of them3 ,i thought they might be the ,evangelists4 ,but how the throne was arrayed1 and ,him who sat on it ,i did not see1 but only an exceedingly great multitude of angels1 who seemed to me more beautiful1 beyond all comparison1 than those ,i had seen in heaven4 ,i thought they were1 perhaps1 the seraphim or cherubim1 for they were very different in their glory1 and seemingly all on fire4 ,the difference is great1 as ,i said before2 #ab and the joy ,i then felt cannot be described1 either in writing or by word of mouth2 it is inconceivable to any one what has not had experience of it4 ,i felt that everything man can desire was all there together1 and ,i saw nothing2 they told me1 but ,i know not who1 that all ,i could do there was to understand that ,i could understand nothing1 and see how everything was nothing in comparison with that4 ,so it was2 my soul afterwards was vexed to see that it could rest on any created thing3 how much more1 then1 if it had any affection thereto2 for everything seemed to me but an ant-hill4 ,i communicated1 and remained during ,mass4 ,i know not how it was3 ,i thought ,i had been but a few minutes1 and was amazed when the clock struck2 ,i had been two hours in that trance and joy4 #cc4 ,i was afterwards amazed at this fire1 which seems to spring forth out of the true love of ,god2 for though ,i might long for it1 labour for it1 and annihilate myself in the effort to obtain it1 ,i can do nothing towards procuring a single spark of it myself1 because it all comes of the good pleasure of ,his ,majesty1 as ,i said on another occasion4 #ac ,it seems to burn up the old man1 with his faults1 his lukewarmness1 and misery2 so that it is like the phoenix1 of which ,i have read that it comes forth1 after being burnt1 out of its own ashes into a new life4 ,thus it is with the soul3 it is changed into another1 whose desires are different1 and whose strength is great4 ,it seems to be no longer what it was before1 and begins to walk renewed in purity in the ways of our ,lord4 ,when ,i was praying to ,him that thus it might be with me1 and that ,i might begin ,his service anew1 ,he said to me3 ,the comparison thou hast made is good2 take care never to forget it1 that thou mayest always labour to advance4 #cd4 ,once1 when ,i was doubting1 as ,i said just now1 #ad whether these visions came from ,god or not1 our ,lord appeared1 and1 with some severity1 said to me3 ,o children of men1 how long will you remain hard of heart6 ,i was to examine myself carefully on one subject1--whether ,i had given myself up wholly to ,him1 or not4 ,if ,i had1--and it was so1--,i was to believe that ,he would not suffer me to perish4 ,i was very much afflicted when ,he spoke thus1 but ,he turned to me with great tenderness and sweetness1 and bade me not to distress myself1 for ,he knew already that1 so far as it lay in my power1 ,i would not fail in anything that was for ,his service2 that ,he ,himself would do what ,i wished1--and so ,he did grant what ,i was then praying for2 that ,i was to consider my love for ,him1 which was daily growing in me1 for ,i should see by this that these visions did not come from ,satan2 that ,i must not imagine that ,god would ever allow the devil to have so much power over the souls of ,his servants as to give them such clearness of understanding and such peace as ,i had4 #ce4 ,he gave me also to understand that1 when such and so many persons had told me the visions were from ,god1 ,i should do wrong if ,i did not believe them4 #ae #cf4 ,once1 when ,i was reciting the psalm ,quicumque vult1 #af ,i was given to understand the mystery of ,one ,god and ,three ,persons with so much clearness1 that ,i was greatly astonished and consoled at the same time4 ,this was of the greatest help to me1 for it enabled me to know more of the greatness and marvels of ,god2 and when ,i think of the most ,holy ,trinity1 or hear ,it spoken of1 ,i seem to understand the mystery1 and a great joy it is4 #cg4 ,one day--it was the ,feast of the ,assumption of the ,queen of the ,angels1 and our ,lady--our ,lord was pleased to grant me this grace4 ,in a trance ,he made me behold her going up to heaven1 the joy and solemnity of her reception there1 as well as the place where she now is4 ,to describe it is more than ,i can do2 the joy that filled my soul at the sight of such great glory was excessive4 ,the effects of the vision were great2 it made me long to endure still greater trials3 and ,i had a vehement desire to serve our ,lady1 because of her great merits4 #ch4 ,once1 in one of the colleges of the ,society of ,jesus1 when the brothers of the house were communicating1 ,i saw an exceedingly rich canopy above their heads4 ,i saw this twice2 but ,i never saw it when others were receiving ,communion4 #a4 ,ch4 xxxiii4 #aj4 ,f4 ,gaspar de ,salazar4 #b4 #c ,kings xix4 #ab3 ,sibilus aur tenuis4 #c4 ,see ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,ascent of ,mount ,carmel1 bk4 iii4 ch4 i1 p4 #baj74 #d4 ,ch4 xxxiv4 #a4 #e4 ,st4 ,john iii4 #cd3 ,non enim ad mensuram dat ,deus spiritum4 #f4 ,see ch4 xxxiii4 #ae4 #g4 ,st4 ,matt4 xx4 #i-ad3 ,volo autem et huic novissimo dare sicut et tibi4 #h4 ,ch4 xiv4 #ab4 #i4 ,the ,saint had this vision when she was in the house of ,doa ,luisa de la ,cerda in ,toledo1 and it was fulfilled in the opposition she met with in the foundation of ,st4 ,joseph of ,avila4 ,see ch4 xxxvi4 #ah4 #aj4 #b ,paralip4 xx4 #ab3 ,hoc solum habemus residui1 ut oculos nostros dirigamus ad ,te4 #aa4 ,ch4 xx4 #d4 #ab4 ,ch4 xxix4 #af4 #ac4 ,ch4 xxix4 #ac4 #ad4 #bh4 #ae4 ,see ch4 xxviii4 #ai1 #bj4 #af4 ,commonly called the ,creed of ,st4 ,athanasius4 ,chapter ,,xl4 ,visions1 ,revelations1 and ,locutions4 #a4 ,one day1 in prayer1 the sweetness of which was so great that1 knowing how unworthy ,i was of so great a blessing1 ,i began to think how much ,i had deserved to be in that place which ,i had seen prepared for me in hell1--for1 as ,i said before1 #a ,i never forget the way ,i saw myself there1--as ,i was thinking of this1 my soul began to be more and more on fire1 and ,i was carried away in spirit in a way ,i cannot describe4 ,it seemed to me as if ,i had been absorbed in1 and filled with1 that grandeur of ,god which1 on another occasion1 ,i had felt4 #b ,in that majesty it was given me to understand one truth1 which is the fulness of all truth1 but ,i cannot tell how1 for ,i saw nothing4 ,it was said to me1 ,i saw not by whom1 but ,i knew well enough it was the ,truth ,itself3 ,this ,i am doing to thee is not a slight matter2 it is one of those things for which thou owest ,me much2 for all the evil in the world comes from ignorance of the truths of the holy writings in their clear simplicity1 of which not one iota shall pass away4 #c ,i thought that ,i had always believed this1 and that all the faithful also believed it4 ,then he said13 ,ah1 ,my daughter1 they are few who love ,me in truth2 for if men loved ,me1 ,i should not hide ,my secrets from them4 ,knowest thou what it is to love ,me in truth8 ,it is to admit everything to be a lie which is not pleasing unto ,me4 ,now thou dost not understand it1 but thou shalt understand it clearly hereafter1 in the profit it will be to thy soul4 #b4 ,our ,lord be praised1 so ,i found it2 for after this vision ,i look upon everything which does not tend to the service of ,god as vanity and lies4 ,i cannot tell how much ,i am convinced of this1 nor how sorry ,i am for those whom ,i see living in darkness1 not knowing the truth4 ,i derived other great blessings also from this1 some of which ,i will here speak of1 others ,i cannot describe4 #c4 ,our ,lord at the same time uttered a special word of most exceeding graciousness4 ,i know not how it was done1 for ,i saw nothing2 but ,i was filled1 in a way which also ,i cannot describe1 with exceeding strength and earnestness of purpose to observe with all my might everything contained in the divine writings4 ,i thought that ,i could rise above every possible hindrance put in my way4 #d4 ,of this divine truth1 which was put before me ,i know not how1 there remains imprinted within me a truth--,i cannot give it a name--which fills me with a new reverence for ,god2 it gives me a notion of ,his ,majesty and power in a way which ,i cannot explain4 ,i can understand that it is something very high4 ,i had a very great desire never to speak of anything but of those deep truths which far surpass all that is spoken of here in the world1--and so the living in it began to be painful to me4 #e4 ,the vision left me in great tenderness1 joy1 and humility4 ,it seemed to me1 though ,i knew not how1 that our ,lord now gave me great things2 and ,i had no suspicion whatever of any illusion4 ,i saw nothing2 but ,i understood how great a blessing it is to make no account of anything which does not lead us nearer unto ,god4 ,i also understood what it is for a soul to be walking in the truth1 in the presence of the ,truth itself4 ,what ,i understood is this3 that our ,lord gave me to understand that ,he is ,himself the very ,truth4 #f4 ,all this ,i am speaking of ,i learnt at times by means of words uttered2 at other times ,i learnt some things without the help of words1 and that more clearly than those other things which were told me in words4 ,i understood exceedingly deep truths concerning the ,truth1 more than ,i could have done through the teaching of many learned men4 ,it seems to me that learned men never could have thus impressed upon me1 nor so clearly explained to me1 the vanity of this world4 #g4 ,the ,truth of which ,i am speaking1 and which ,i was given to see1 is ,truth ,itself1 in ,itself4 ,it has neither beginning nor end4 ,all other truths depend on this ,truth1 as all other loves depend on this love1 and all other grandeurs on this grandeur4 ,i understood it all1 notwithstanding that my words are obscure in comparison with that distinctness with which it pleased our ,lord to show it to me4 ,what think you must be the power of ,his ,majesty1 seeing that in so short a time it leaves so great a blessing and such an impression on the soul8 ,o ,grandeur6 ,majesty of mine6 what is it ,thou art doing1 ,o my ,lord ,almighty6 ,consider who it is to whom ,thou givest blessings so great6 ,dost ,thou not remember that this my soul has been an abyss of lies and a sea of vanities1 and all my fault8 ,though ,thou hadst given me a natural hatred of lying yet ,i did involve myself in many lying ways4 ,how is this1 ,o my ,god8 how can it be that mercies and graces so great should fall to the lot of one who has so ill deserved them at ,thy hands8 #h4 ,once1 when ,i was with the whole community reciting the ,office1 my soul became suddenly recollected1 and seemed to me all bright as a mirror1 clear behind1 sideways1 upwards1 and downwards2 and in the centre of it ,i saw ,christ our ,lord1 as ,i usually see ,him4 ,it seemed to me that ,i saw ,him distinctly in every part of my soul1 as in a mirror1 and at the same time the mirror was all sculptured--,i cannot explain it--in our ,lord ,himself by a most loving communication which ,i can never describe4 ,i know that this vision was a great blessing to me1 and is still whenever ,i remember it1 particularly after ,communion4 #i4 ,i understood by it1 that1 when a soul is in mortal sin1 this mirror becomes clouded with a thick vapour1 and utterly obscured1 so that our ,lord is neither visible nor present1 though ,he is always present in the conservation of its being4 ,in heretics1 the mirror is1 as it were1 broken in pieces1 and that is worse than being dimmed4 ,there is a very great difference between seeing this and describing it1 for it can hardly be explained4 ,but it has done me great good2 it has also made me very sorry on account of those times when ,i dimmed the lustre of my soul by my sins1 so that ,i could not see our ,lord4 #aj4 ,this vision seems to me very profitable to recollected persons1 to teach them to look upon our ,lord as being in the innermost part of their soul4 ,it is a method of looking upon ,him which penetrates us more thoroughly1 and is much more fruitful1 than that of looking upon ,him as external to us1 as ,i have said elsewhere1 #d and as it is laid down in books on prayer1 where they speak of where we are to seek ,god4 ,the glorious ,st4 ,augustin1 #e in particular1 says so1 when he says that neither in the streets of the city1 nor in pleasures1 nor in any place whatever where he sought ,him1 did he find ,him as he found ,him within himself4 ,this is clearly the best way2 we need not go up to heaven1 nor any further than our own selves1 for that would only distress the spirit and distract the soul1 and bring but little fruit4 #aa4 ,i should like to point out one result of a deep trance2 it may be that some are aware of it4 ,when the time is over during which the soul was in union1 wherein all its powers were wholly absorbed1--it lasts1 as ,i have said1 #f but a moment1--the soul continues still to be recollected1 unable to recover itself even in outward things2 for the two powers--the memory and the understanding--are1 as it were1 in a frenzy1 extremely disordered4 ,this1 ,i say1 happens occasionally1 particularly in the beginnings4 ,i am thinking whether it does not result from this3 that our natural weakness cannot endure the vehemence of the spirit1 which is so great1 and that the imagination is enfeebled4 ,i know it to be so with some4 ,i think it best for these to force themselves to give up prayer at that time1 and resume it afterwards1 when they may recover what they have lost1 and not do everything at once1 for in that case much harm might come of it4 ,i know this by experience1 as well as the necessity of considering what our health can bear4 #ab4 ,experience is necessary throughout1 so also is a spiritual director2 for when the soul has reached this point1 there are many matters which must be referred to the director4 ,if1 after seeking such a one1 the soul cannot find him1 our ,lord will not fail that soul1 seeing that ,he has not failed me1 who am what ,i am3 ,they are not many1 ,i believe1 who know by experience so many things1 and without experience it is useless to treat a soul at all1 for nothing will come of it1 save only trouble and distress4 ,but our ,lord will take this also into account1 and for that reason it is always best to refer the matter to the director4 ,i have already more than once said this1 #g and even all ,i am saying now1 only ,i do not distinctly remember it2 but ,i do see that it is of great importance1 particularly to women1 that they should go to their confessor1 and that he should be a man of experience herein4 ,there are many more women than men to whom our ,lord gives these graces2 ,i have heard the holy friar ,peter of ,alcantara say so1 and1 indeed1 ,i know it myself4 ,he used to say that women made greater progress in this way than men did2 and he gave excellent reasons for his opinion1 all in favour of women2 but there is no necessity for repeating them here4 #ac4 ,once1 when in prayer1 ,i had a vision1 for a moment1--,i saw nothing distinctly1 but the vision was most clear1--how all things are seen in ,god and how all things are comprehended in ,him4 ,i cannot in any way explain it1 but the vision remains most deeply impressed on my soul1 and is one of those grand graces which our ,lord wrought in me1 and one of those which put me to the greatest shame and confusion whenever ,i call my sins to remembrance4 ,i believe1 if it had pleased our ,lord that ,i had seen this at an earlier time1 or if they saw it who sin against ,him1 we should have neither the heart nor the daring to do so4 ,i had the vision1 ,i repeat it1 but ,i cannot say that ,i saw anything2 however1 ,i must have seen something1 seeing that ,i explain it by an illustration1 only it must have been in a way so subtile and delicate that the understanding is unable to reach it1 or ,i am so ignorant in all that relates to these visions1 which seem to be not imaginary4 ,in some of these visions there must be something imaginary1 only1 as the powers of the soul are then in a trance1 they are not able afterwards to retain the forms1 as our ,lord showed them to it then1 and as ,he would have it rejoice in them4 #ad4 ,let us suppose the ,godhead to be a most brilliant diamond1 much larger than the whole world1 or a mirror like that to which ,i compared the soul in a former vision1 #h only in a way so high that ,i cannot possibly describe it2 and that all our actions are seen in that diamond1 which is of such dimensions as to include everything1 because nothing can be beyond it4 ,it was a fearful thing for me to see1 in so short a time1 so many things together in that brilliant diamond1 and a most piteous thing too1 whenever ,i think of it1 to see such foul things as my sins present in the pure brilliancy of that light4 #ae4 ,so it is1 whenever ,i remember it1 ,i do not know how to bear it1 and ,i was then so ashamed of myself that ,i knew not where to hide myself4 ,oh1 that some one could make this plain to those who commit most foul and filthy sins1 that they may remember their sins are not secret1 and that ,god most justly resents them1 seeing that they are wrought in the very presence of ,his ,majesty1 and that we are demeaning ourselves so irreverently before ,him6 ,i saw1 too1 how completely hell is deserved for only one mortal sin1 and how impossible it is to understand the exceeding great wickedness of committing it in the sight of majesty so great1 and how abhorrent to ,his nature such actions are4 ,in this we see more and more of ,his mercifulness1 who1 though we all know ,his hatred of sin1 yet suffers us to live4 #af4 ,the vision made me also reflect1 that if one such vision as this fills the souls with such awe1 what will it be in the day of judgment1 when ,his ,majesty will appear distinctly1 and when we too shall look on the sins we have committed6 ,o my ,god1 ,i have been1 oh1 how blind6 ,i have often been amazed at what ,i have written2 and you1 my father1 be you not amazed at anything1 but that ,i am still living1--,i1 who see such things1 and know myself to be what ,i am4 ,blessed for ever be ,he who has borne with me so long6 #ag4 ,once1 in prayer1 with much recollection1 sweetness1 and repose1 ,i saw myself1 as it seemed to me1 surrounded by angels1 and was close unto ,god4 ,i began to intercede with ,his ,majesty on behalf of the church4 ,i was given to understand the great services which a particular ,order would render in the latter days1 and the courage with which its members would maintain the faith4 #ah4 ,i was praying before the most ,holy ,sacrament one day2 ,i had a vision of a ,saint1 whose ,order was in some degree fallen4 ,in his hands he held a large book1 which he opened1 and then told me to read certain words1 written in large and very legible letters2 they were to this effect3 ,in times to come this ,order will flourish2 it will have many martyrs4 #i #ai4 ,on another occasion1 when ,i was at ,matins in choir1 six or seven persons1 who seemed to me to be of this ,order1 appeared and stood before me with swords in their hands4 ,the meaning of that1 as ,i think1 is that they are to be defenders of the faith2 for at another time1 when ,i was in prayer1 ,i fell into a trance1 and stood in spirit on a wide plain1 where many persons were fighting2 and the members of this ,order were fighting with great zeal4 ,their faces were beautiful1 and as it were on fire4 ,many they laid low on the ground defeated1 others they killed4 ,it seemed to me to be a battle with heretics4 #bj4 ,i have seen this glorious ,saint occasionally1 and he has told me certain things1 and thanked me for praying for his ,order1 and he has promised to pray for me to our ,lord4 ,i do not say which ,orders these are1--our ,lord1 if it so pleased ,him1 could make them known1--lest the others should be aggrieved4 ,let every ,order1 or every member of them by himself1 labour1 that by his means our ,lord would so bless his own ,order that it may serve ,him in the present grave necessities of ,his ,church4 ,blessed are they whose lives are so spent4 #ba4 ,i was once asked by a person to pray ,god to let him know whether his acceptance of a bishopric would be for the service of ,god4 ,after ,communion our ,lord said to me3 ,when he shall have clearly and really understood that true dominion consists in possessing nothing1 he may then accept it4 ,i understood by this that he who is to be in dignity must be very far from wishing or desiring it1 or at least he must not seek it4 #bb4 ,these and many other graces our ,lord has given1 and is giving continually1 to me a sinner4 ,i do not think it is necessary to speak of them1 because the state of my soul can be ascertained from what ,i have written2 so also can the spirit which our ,lord has given me4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever1 who has been so mindful of me6 #bc4 ,our ,lord said to me once1 consoling me1 that ,i was not to distress myself1--this ,he said most lovingly1--because in this life we could not continue in the same state4 #aj ,at one time ,i should be fervent1 at another not2 now disquieted1 and again at peace1 and tempted2 but ,i must hope in ,him1 and fear not4 #bd4 ,i was one day thinking whether it was a want of detachment in me to take pleasure in the company of those who had the care of my soul1 and to have an affection for them1 and to comfort myself with those whom ,i see to be very great servants of ,god4 #aa ,our ,lord said to me3 ,it is not a virtue in a sick man to abstain from thanking and loving the physician who seems to restore him to health when he is in danger of death4 ,what should ,i have done without these persons8 ,the conversation of good people was never hurtful2 my words should always be weighed1 and holy2 and ,i was not to cease my relations with them1 for they would do me good rather than harm4 #be4 ,this was a great comfort to me1 because1 now and then1 ,i wished to abstain from converse with all people2 for it seemed to me that ,i was attached to them4 ,always1 in all things1 did our ,lord console me1 even to the showing me how ,i was to treat those who were weak1 and some other people also4 ,never did ,he cease to take care of me4 ,i am sometimes distressed to see how little ,i do in ,his service1 and how ,i am forced to spend time in taking care of a body so weak and worthless as mine is1 more than ,i wish4 #bf4 ,i was in prayer one night1 when it was time to go to sleep4 ,i was in very great pain1 and my usual sickness was coming on4 #ab ,i saw myself so great a slave to myself1 and1 on the other hand1 the spirit asked for time for itself4 ,i was so much distressed that ,i began to weep exceedingly1 and to be very sorry4 ,this has happened to me not once only1 but1 as ,i am saying1 very often2 and it seems to make me weary of myself1 so that at the time ,i hold myself literally in abhorrence4 ,habitually1 however1 ,i know that ,i do not hate myself1 and ,i never fail to take that which ,i see to be necessary for me4 ,may our ,lord grant that ,i do not take more than is necessary6--,i am afraid ,i do4 #bg4 ,when ,i was thus distressed1 our ,lord appeared unto me4 ,he comforted me greatly1 and told me ,i must do this for ,his love1 and bear it2 my life was necessary now4 ,and so1 ,i believe1 ,i have never known real pain since ,i resolved to serve my ,lord and my ,consoler with all my strength2 for though he would leave me to suffer a little1 yet ,he would console me in such a way that ,i am doing nothing when ,i long for troubles4 ,and it seems to me there is nothing worth living for but this1 and suffering is what ,i most heartily pray to ,god for4 ,i say to ,him sometimes1 with my whole heart3 ,o ,lord1 either to die or to suffer6 ,i ask of ,thee nothing else for myself4 ,it is a comfort to me to hear the clock strike1 because ,i seem to have come a little nearer to the vision of ,god1 in that another hour of my life has passed away4 #bh4 ,at other times ,i am in such a state that ,i do not feel that ,i am living1 nor yet do ,i desire to die but ,i am lukewarm1 and darkness surrounds me on every side1 as ,i said before2 #ac for ,i am very often in great trouble4 ,it pleased our ,lord that the graces ,he wrought in me should be published abroad1 #ad as ,he told me some years ago they should be4 ,it was a great pain to me1 and ,i have borne much on that account even to this day1 as you1 my father1 know1 because every man explains them in his own sense4 ,but my comfort herein is that it is not my fault that they are become known1 for ,i was extremely cautious never to speak of them but to my confessors1 or to persons who ,i knew had heard of them from them4 ,i was silent1 however1 not out of humility1 but because1 as ,i said before1 #ae it gave me great pain to speak of them even to my confessors4 #bi4 ,now1 however1--to ,god be the glory6--though many speak against me1 but out of a zeal for goodness1 and though some are afraid to speak to me1 and even to hear my confession1 and though others have much to say about me1 because ,i see that our ,lord willed by this means to provide help for many souls1--and also because ,i see clearly and keep in mind how much ,he would suffer1 if only for the gaining of one1--,i do not care about it at all4 #cj4 ,i know not why it is so1 but perhaps the reason may in some measure be that ,his ,majesty has placed me in this corner out of the way1 where the enclosure is so strict1 and where ,i am as one that is dead4 ,i thought that no one would remember me1 but ,i am not so much forgotten as ,i wish ,i was1 for ,i am forced to speak to some people4 ,but as ,i am in a house where none may see me1 it seems as if our ,lord had been pleased to bring me to a haven1 which ,i trust in ,his ,majesty will be secure4 ,now that ,i am out of the world1 with companions holy and few in number1 ,i look down on the world as from a great height1 and care very little what people say or know about me4 ,i think much more of one soul's advancement1 even if it were but slight1 than of all that people may say of me2 and since ,i am settled here it has pleased our ,lord that all my desires tend to this4 #ca4 ,he has made my life to me now a kind of sleep2 for almost always what ,i see seems to me to be seen as in a dream1 nor have ,i any great sense either of pleasure or of pain4 ,if matters occur which may occasion either1 the sense of it passes away so quickly that it astonishes me1 and leaves an impression as if ,i had been dreaming1--and this is the simple truth2 for if ,i wished afterwards to delight in that pleasure1 or be sorry over that pain1 it is not in my power to do so3 just as a sensible person feels neither pain nor pleasure in the memory of a dream that is past2 for now our ,lord has roused my soul out of that state which1 because ,i was not mortified nor dead to the things of this world1 made me feel as ,i did1 and ,his ,majesty does not wish me to become blind again4 #cb4 ,this is the way ,i live now1 my lord and father2 do you1 my father1 pray to ,god that ,he would take me to ,himself1 or enable me to serve ,him4 ,may it please ,his ,majesty that what ,i have written may be of some use to you1 my father6 ,i have so little time1 #af and therefore my trouble has been great in writing2 but it will be a blessed trouble if ,i have succeeded in saying anything that will cause one single act of praise to our ,lord4 ,if that were the case1 ,i should look upon myself as sufficiently rewarded1 even if you1 my father1 burnt at once what ,i have written4 ,i would rather it were not burnt before those three saw it1 whom you1 my father1 know of1 because they are1 and have been1 my confessors2 for if it be bad1 it is right they should lose the good opinion they have of me2 and if it be good1 they are good and learned men1 and ,i know they will recognise its source1 and give praise to ,him who hath spoken through me4 #cc4 ,may ,his ,majesty ever be your protector1 and make you so great a saint that your spirit and light may show the way to me a miserable creature1 so wanting in humility and so bold as to have ventured to write on subjects so high6 ,may our ,lord grant ,i have not fallen into any errors in the matter1 for ,i had the intention and the desire to be accurate and obedient1 and also that through me ,he might1 in some measure1 have glory1--because that is what ,i have been praying for these many years2 and as my good works are inefficient for that end1 ,i have ventured to put in order this my disordered life4 ,still1 ,i have not wasted more time1 nor given it more attention1 than was necessary for writing it2 yet ,i have put down all that has happened to me with all the simplicity and sincerity possible4 #cd4 ,may our ,lord1 who is all-powerful1 grant--and ,he can if ,he will--that ,i may attain to the doing of ,his will in all things6 ,may ,he never suffer this soul to be lost1 which ,he so often1 in so many ways1 and by so many means1 has rescued from hell and drawn unto ,himself6 ,amen4 ,i4,h4,s4 ,the ,holy ,spirit be ever with you1 my father4 #ag ,amen4 ,it would not be anything improper if ,i were to magnify my labour in writing this1 to oblige you to be very careful to recommend me to our ,lord2 for indeed ,i may well do so1 considering what ,i have gone through in giving this account of myself1 and in retracing my manifold wretchedness4 ,but1 still1 ,i can say with truth that ,i felt it more difficult to speak of the graces which ,i have received from our ,lord than to speak of my offences against ,his ,majesty4 ,you1 my father1 commanded me to write at length2 that is what ,i have done1 on condition that you will do what you promised1 namely1 destroy everything in it that has the appearance of being wrong4 ,i had not yet read it through after ,i had written it1 when your reverence sent for it4 ,some things in it may not be very clearly explained1 and there may be some repetitions2 for the time ,i could give to it was so short1 that ,i could not stop to see what ,i was writing4 ,i entreat your reverence to correct it and have it copied1 if it is to be sent on to the ,father-,master1 ,avila1 #ah for perhaps some one may recognise the handwriting4 ,i wish very much you would order it so that he might see it1 for ,i began to write it with a view to that ,i shall be greatly comforted if he shall think that ,i am on a safe road1 now that1 so far as it concerns me1 there is nothing more to be done4 ,your reverence will do in all things that which to you shall seem good1 and you will look upon yourself as under an obligation to take care of one who trusts her soul to your keeping4 ,i will pray for the soul of your reverence to our ,lord1 so long as ,i live4 ,you will1 therefore1 be diligent in ,his service1 in order that you may be able to help me2 for your reverence will see by what ,i have written how profitable it is to give oneself1 as your reverence has begun to do1 wholly unto ,him who gives ,himself to us so utterly without measure4 ,blessed be ,his ,majesty for ever6 ,i hope of ,his mercy we shall see one another one day1 when we1 your reverence and myself1 shall see more clearly the great mercies ,he has shown us1 and when we shall praise ,him for ever and ever4 ,amen4 ,this book was finished in ,june1 #aefb4 ,this date refers to the first account which the holy ,mother ,teresa of ,jesus wrote of her life2 it was not then divided into chapters4 ,afterwards she made this copy1 and inserted in it many things which had taken place subsequent to this date1 such as the foundation of the monastery of ,st4 ,joseph of ,avila1 as in p4 #afi4 #ai--;,fray ,do ,baes4 #a4 ,ch4 xxxii4 #a4 #b4 ,ch4 xxviii4 #ad4 #c4 ,st4 ,matt4 v4 #ah3 ,iota unum aut unus apex non prteribit a lege4 #d4 ,ch4 iv4 #aj4 #e4 ,ecce quantum spatiatus sum in memoria mea qurens ,te1 ,domine2 et non ,te inveni extra eam4 4 4 4 ,ex quo didici ,te1 manes in memoria mea1 et illic ,te invenio cum reminiscor ,tui et delector in ,te 7,confess4 x4 #bd74 ,see ,inner ,fortress1 ,sixth ,mansion1 ch4 iv4 #f4 ,ch4 xx4 #bf4 #g4 ,ch4 xxv4 #ah1 ch4 xxvi4 #d4 ,see ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,mount ,carmel1 bk4 ii4 ch4 xxii4 #h4 #h4 #i4 ,yepez says that the ,order here spoken of is the ,carmelite1 and ,ribera understands the ,saint to refer to that of ,st4 ,dominic4 ,the ,bollandists1 n4 #afch-afdf1 on the whole1 prefer the authority of ,ribera to that of ,yepez and give good reasons for their preference1 setting aside as insufficient the testimony of ,fray ,luis of the ,assumption1 who says he heard himself from the ,venerable ,anne of ,st4 ,bartholomew that the ,order in question is the ,order of our ,lady of ,mount ,carmel4 ,don ,vicente1 the ,spanish editor1 rejects the opinion of ,ribera1 on the ground that it could not have been truly said of the ,dominicans in the sixteenth century that the ,order was in some degree fallen1 for it was in a most flourishing state4 ,he therefore was inclined to believe that the ,saint referred to the ,augustinians or to the ,franciscans4 ,but1 after he had printed this part of his book1 he discovered among the ,,mss4 in the public library of ,madrid a letter of ,anne of ,st4 ,bartholomew1 addressed to ,fray ,luis of the ,assumption1 in which the saintly companion of ,st4 ,teresa says that the ,order was ours4 ,don ,vicente has published the letter in the ,appendix1 p4 #eff4 #aj4 ,job xiv4 #b3 ,nunquam in eodem statu permanet4 #aa4 ,see ch4 xxxvii4 #d1 #f4 #ab4 ,see ch4 vii4 #ah4 #ac4 ,ch4 xxx4 #aj4 #ad4 ,ch4 xxxi4 #af1 #ag4 #ae4 ,ch4 xxviii4 #f4 #af4 ,see ch4 xiv4 #ab4 #ag4 ,this letter1 which seems to have accompanied the ,life1 is printed among the other letters of the ,saint1 and is addressed to her confessor1 the ,dominican friar1 ,pedro ,ibaez4 ,it is the fifteenth letter in the first volume of the edition of ,madrid2 but it is not dated there4 #ah4 ,juan de ,avila1 commonly called the ,apostle of ,andalusia4 #ai4 ,i4e4 of the ,,ms4 ,see p4 #ccg ,transcriber's note3 ch4 xxxvi4 #ae of this translation4 ,the ,relations or ,manifestations of ,her ,spiritual ,state ,which ,st4 ,teresa ,submitted to ,her ,confessors4 ,the ,relations4 ,relation #a4 ,sent to ,st4 ,peter of ,alcantara in #aefj from the ,monastery of the ,incarnation1 ,avila4 #a #a4 ,the method of prayer ,i observe at present is this3 when ,i am in prayer1 it is very rarely that ,i can use the understanding1 because the soul becomes at once recollected1 remains in repose1 or falls into a trance1 so that ,i cannot in any way have the use of the faculties and the senses1--so much so1 that the hearing alone is left2 but then it does not help me to understand anything4 #b4 ,it often happens1 when ,i am not even thinking of the things of ,god1 but engaged in other matters1 and when prayer seems to be beyond my power1 whatever efforts ,i might make1 because of the great aridity ,i am in1 bodily pains contributing thereto1 that this recollection or elevation of spirit comes upon me so suddenly that ,i cannot withstand it1 and the fruits and blessings it brings with it are in a moment mine3 and this1 without my having had a vision1 or heard anything1 or knowing where ,i am1 except that when the soul seems to be lost ,i see it make great progress1 which ,i could not have made if ,i had laboured for a whole year1 so great is my gain4 #c4 ,at other times certain excessive impetuosities occur1 accompanied with a certain fainting away of the soul for ,god1 so that ,i have no control over myself2 #b my life seems to have come to an end1 and so it makes me cry out and call upon ,god2 and this comes upon me with great vehemence4 ,sometimes ,i cannot remain sitting1 so great is the oppression of the heart2 and this pain comes on without my doing anything to cause it1 and the nature of it is such that my soul would be glad never to be without it while ,i live4 ,and the longings ,i have are longings not to live2 and they come on because it seems as if ,i must live on without being able to find any relief1 for relief comes from the vision of ,god1 which comes by death1 and death is what ,i cannot take2 and with all this my soul thinks that all except itself are filled with consolations1 and that all find help in their troubles1 but not itself4 ,the distress thus occasioned is so intense that1 if our ,lord did not relieve it by throwing it into a trance1 whereby all is made calm1 and the soul rests in great quiet and is satisfied1 now by seeing something of that which it desires1 now by hearing other things1 it would seem to be impossible for it to be delivered from this pain4 #d4 ,at other times there come upon me certain desires to serve ,god1 with a vehemence so great that ,i cannot describe it1 and accompanied with a certain pain at seeing how unprofitable ,i am4 ,it seems to me then that there is nothing in the world1 neither death1 nor martyrdom1 that ,i could not easily endure4 ,this conviction1 too1 is not the result of any reflection1 but comes in a moment4 ,i am wholly changed1 and ,i know not whence cometh such great courage4 ,i think ,i should live to raise my voice1 and publish to all the world how important it is for men not to be satisfied with the common way1 and how great the good is that ,god will give us if we prepare ourselves to receive it4 ,i say it again1 these desires are such that ,i am melted away in myself1 for ,i seem to desire what ,i cannot have4 ,the body seems to me to hold me in prison1 through its inability to serve ,god and my state #c in anything2 for if it were not for the body1 ,i might do very great things1 so far as my strength would allow2 and thus1 because ,i see myself without any power whatever to serve ,god1 ,i feel this pain in a way wholly indescribable2 the issue is delight1 recollection1 and the consolation of ,god4 #e4 ,again1 it has happened1 when these longings to serve ,him come upon me1 that ,i wish to do penance1 but ,i am not able4 ,it would be a great relief to me1 and it does relieve and cheer me1 though what ,i do is almost nothing1 because of my bodily weakness2 and yet1 if ,i were to give way to these my longings1 ,i believe ,i should observe no moderation4 #f4 ,sometimes1 if ,i have to speak to any one1 ,i am greatly distressed1 and ,i suffer so much that it makes me weep abundantly2 for my whole desire is to be alone1 and solitude comforts me1 though at times ,i neither pray nor read1 and conversation--particularly of kindred and connections--seems oppressive1 and myself to be as a slave1 except when ,i speak to those whose conversation is of prayer and matters of the soul1--in these ,i find comfort and joy2 #d yet these occasionally are too much for me1 and ,i would rather not see them1 but go where ,i might be alone3 though this is not often the case1 for those especially who direct my conscience always console me4 #g4 ,at other times it gives me much pain that ,i must eat and sleep1 and that ,i see ,i cannot forego these things1 being less able to do so than any one4 ,i submit that ,i may serve ,god1 and thus ,i offer up those actions to him4 ,time seems to me too short1 and that ,i have not enough for my prayer1 for ,i should never be tired of being alone4 ,i am always wishing ,i had time for reading1 for ,i have been always fond of reading4 ,i read very little1 for when ,i take up a book ,i become recollected through the pleasure it gives me1 and thus my reading is turned into prayer3 and it is but rarely1 for ,i have many occupations2 and though they are good1 they do not give me the pleasure which reading would give4 ,and thus ,i am always wishing for more time1 and everything becomes disagreeable1 so ,i believe1 because ,i see ,i cannot do what ,i wish and desire4 #h4 ,all these desires1 with an increase in virtue1 have been given me by our ,lord since ,he raised me to this prayer of quiet1 and sent these raptures4 ,i find myself so improved that ,i look on myself as being a mass of perdition before this4 ,these raptures and visions leave me in possession of the blessings ,i shall now speak of2 and ,i maintain that1 if there be any good in me1 they are the occasions of it4 #i4 ,i have made a very strong resolution never to offend ,god1 not even venially4 ,i would rather die a thousand deaths than do anything of the kind knowingly4 ,i am resolved never to leave undone anything ,i may consider to be the more perfect1 or more for the honour of our ,lord1 if he who has the care of my soul and directs me tells me ,i may do it4 ,cost me what pain it might1 ,i would not leave such an act undone for all the treasure of the world4 ,if ,i were to do so1 ,i do not think ,i could have the face to ask anything of ,god our ,lord1 or to make my prayer2 and yet1 for all this1 ,i have many faults and imperfections4 ,i am obedient to my confessor1 #e though imperfectly2 but if ,i know that he wishes or commands anything1 ,i would not leave that undone1 so far as ,i understand it2 if ,i did so1 ,i should think myself under a grievous delusion4 #aj4 ,i have a longing for poverty1 though not free from imperfection2 however1 ,i believe1 if ,i had wealth1 ,i would not reserve any revenue1 nor hoard money for myself1 nor do ,i care for it2 ,i wish to have only what is necessary4 ,nevertheless1 ,i feel that ,i am very defective in this virtue2 for1 though ,i desire nothing for myself1 ,i should like to have something to give away3 still1 ,i desire no revenue1 nor anything for myself4 #f #aa4 ,in almost all the visions ,i have had1 ,i have found good1 if it be not a delusion of ,satan2 herein ,i submit myself to the judgment of my confessors4 #ab4 ,as to fine and beautiful things1 such as water1 fields1 perfume1 music1 etc41 ,i think ,i would rather not have them1 so great is the difference between them and what ,i am in the habit of seeing1 and so all pleasure in them is gone from me4 #g ,hence it is that ,i care not for them1 unless it be at the first sight3 they never make any further impression2 to me they seem but dirt4 #ac4 ,if ,i speak or converse with people in the world--for ,i cannot help it--even about prayer1 and if the conversation be long1 though to pass away the time1 ,i am under great constraint if it be not necessary1 for it gives me much pain4 #ad4 ,amusements1 of which ,i used to be fond1 and worldly things1 are all disagreeable to me now1 and ,i cannot look at them4 #ae4 ,the longings1 which ,i said ,i have1 #h of loving and serving and seeing ,god1 are not helped by any reflections1 as formerly1 when ,i thought ,i was very devout1 and shed many tears2 but they flow out of a certain fire and heat so excessive that1 ,i repeat it1 if ,god did not relieve them by throwing me into a trance1 wherein the soul seems to find itself satisfied1 ,i believe my life would come to an end at once4 #af4 ,when ,i see persons making great progress1 and thus resolved1 detached1 and courageous1 ,i love them much2 and ,i should like to have my conversation with such persons1 and ,i think they help me on4 ,people who are afraid1 and seemingly cautious in those things1 the doing of which is perfectly reasonable here1 seem to vex me1 and drive me to pray to ,god and the saints to make them undertake such things as these which now frighten us4 ,not that ,i am good for anything myself1 but because ,i believe that ,god helps those who1 for ,his sake1 apply themselves to great things1 and that ,he never abandons any one who puts his trust in ,him only4 ,and ,i should like to find any one who would help me to believe so1 and to be without thought about food and raiment1 but leave it all in the hands of ,god4 #i #ag4 ,this leaving in the hands of ,god the supply of all ,i need is not to be understood as excluding all labour on my part1 but merely solicitude--,i mean1 the solicitude of care4 ,and since ,i have attained to this liberty1 it goes well with me1 and ,i labour to forget myself as much as ,i can4 ,i do not think it is a year ago since our ,lord gave me this liberty4 #ah4 ,vainglory #aj--;glory1 be to ,god6--so far as ,i know1 there is no reason why ,i should have any2 for ,i see plainly that in these things which ,god sends me ,i have no part myself2 on the contrary1 ,god makes me conscious of my own wretchedness2 for whatever reflections ,i might be able to make1 ,i could never come to the knowledge of such deep truths as ,i attain to in a single rapture4 #ai4 ,when ,i speak of these things a few days after1 they seem to me as if they had happened to another person4 ,previously1 ,i thought it a wrong to me that they should be known to others2 but ,i see now that ,i am not therefore any the better1 but rather worse1 seeing that ,i make so little progress after receiving mercies so great4 ,and certainly1 in every way1 it seems to me that there was not in the world anybody worse than myself2 and so the virtues of others seem to me much more meritorious than mine1 and that ,i do nothing myself but receive graces1 and that ,god must give to others at once all that ,he is now giving unto me2 and ,i pray ,him not to reward me in this life2 and so ,i believe that ,god has led me along this way because ,i am weak and wicked4 #bj4 ,when ,i am in prayer1 and even almost always when ,i am able to reflect at all1 ,i cannot1 even if ,i tried1 pray to ,god for rest1 or desire it2 for ,i see that ,his life was one of suffering1 and that ,i ask ,him to send me1 giving me first the grace to bear it4 #ba4 ,everything of this kind1 and of the highest perfection1 seems to make so deep an impression on me in prayer1 that ,i am amazed at the sight of truths so great and so clear that the things of the world seem to be folly2 and so it is necessary for me to take pains to reflect on the way ,i demeaned myself formerly in the things of the world1 for it seems to me folly to feel for deaths and the troubles of the world1--at least1 that sorrow for1 or love of1 kindred and friends should last long4 ,i say ,i have to take pains when ,i am considering what ,i was1 and what ,i used to feel4 #bb4 ,if ,i see people do anything which clearly seems to be sin1 ,i cannot make up my mind that they have offended ,god2 and if ,i dwell upon this at all1--which happens rarely or never1--,i never can make up my mind1 though ,i see it plainly enough4 ,it seems to me that everybody is as anxious to serve ,god as ,i am4 ,and herein ,god has been very gracious unto me1 for ,i never dwell on an evil deed1 to remember it afterwards and if ,i do remember it1 ,i see some virtue or other in that person4 ,in this way these things never weary me1 except generally3 but heresies do2 they distress me very often1 and almost always when ,i think of them they seem to me to be the only trouble which should be felt4 ,and also ,i feel1 when ,i see people who used to give themselves to prayer fall away2 this gives me pain1 but not much1 because ,i strive not to dwell upon it4 #bc4 ,i find1 also1 that ,i am improved in the matter of that excessive neatness which ,i was wont to observe1 #aa though not wholly delivered from it4 ,i do not discern that ,i am always mortified in this2 sometimes1 however1 ,i do4 #bd4 ,all this ,i have described1 together with a very constant dwelling in thought on ,god1 is the ordinary state of my soul1 so far as ,i can understand it4 ,and if ,i must be busy about something else1 without my seeking it1 as ,i said before1 #ab ,i know not who makes me awake1--and this not always1 only when ,i am busy with things of importance2 and such--glory be to ,god6--only at intervals demand my attention1 and do not occupy me at all times4 #be4 ,for some days--they are not many1 however--for three1 or four1 or five1 all my good and fervent thoughts1 and my visions1 seem to be withdrawn1 yea1 even forgotten1 so that1 if ,i were to seek for it1 ,i know of no good that can ever have been in me4 ,it seems to have been all a dream1 or1 at least1 ,i can call nothing to mind4 ,bodily pains at the same time distress me4 ,my understanding is troubled1 so that ,i cannot think at all about ,god1 neither do ,i know under what law ,i live4 ,if ,i read anything1 ,i do not understand it2 ,i seem to be full of faults1 and without any resolution whatever to practise virtue2 and the great resolution ,i used to have is come to this1 that ,i seem to be unable to resist the least temptation or slander of the world4 ,it suggests itself to me then that ,i am good for nothing1 if any one would have me undertake more than the common duties4 ,i give way to sadness1 thinking ,i have deceived all those who trusted me at all4 ,i should like to hide myself where nobody could see me2 but my desire for solitude arises from want of courage1 not from love of virtue4 ,it seems to me that ,i should like to dispute with all who contradict me2 ,i am under the influence of these impressions1 only ,god has been so gracious unto me1 that ,i do not offend more frequently than ,i was wont to do1 nor do ,i ask ,him to deliver me from them1 but only1 if it be ,his will ,i should always suffer thus1 to keep me from offending ,him2 and ,i submit myself to ,his will with my whole heart1 and ,i see that it is a very great grace bestowed upon me that ,he does not keep me constantly in this state4 #bf4 ,one thing astonishes me2 it is that1 while ,i am in this state1 through a single word of those ,i am in the habit of hearing1 or a single vision1 or a little self-recollection1 lasting but an ,ave ,maria1 or through my drawing near to communicate1 ,i find my soul and body so calm1 so sound1 the understanding so clear1 and myself possessing all the strength and all the good desires ,i usually have4 ,and this ,i have had experience of very often--at least when ,i go to ,communion2 it is more than six months ago that ,i felt a clear improvement in my bodily health1 #ac and that occasionally brought about through raptures1 and ,i find it last sometimes more than three hours1 at other times ,i am much stronger for a whole day2 and ,i do not think it is fancy1 for ,i have considered the matter1 and reflected on it4 ,accordingly1 when ,i am thus recollected1 ,i fear no illness4 ,the truth is1 that when ,i pray1 as ,i was accustomed to do before1 ,i feel no improvement4 #bg4 ,all these things of which ,i am speaking make me believe that it comes from ,god2 for when ,i see what ,i once was1 that ,i was in the way of being lost1 and that soon1 my soul certainly is astonished at these things1 without knowing whence these virtues came to me2 ,i did not know myself1 and saw that all was a gift1 and not the fruit of my labours4 ,i understand in all truthfulness and sincerity1 and see that ,i am not deluded1 that it has been not only the means of drawing me to ,god in ,his service1 but of saving me also from hell4 ,this my confessors know1 who have heard my general confession4 #bh4 ,also1 when ,i see any one who knows anything about me1 ,i wish to let him know my whole life1 #ad because my honour seems to me to consist in the honour of our ,lord1 and ,i care for nothing else4 ,this ,he knows well1 or ,i am very blind2 for neither honour1 nor life1 nor praise1 nor good either of body or of soul1 can interest me1 nor do ,i seek or desire any advantage1 only ,his glory4 ,i cannot believe that ,satan has sought so many means of making my soul advance1 in order to lose it after all4 ,i do not hold him to be so foolish4 ,nor can ,i believe it of ,god1 though ,i have deserved to fall into delusions because of my sins1 that ,he has left unheeded so many prayers of so many good people for two years1 and ,i do nothing else but ask everybody to pray to our ,lord that ,he would show me if this be for ,his glory1 or lead me by another way4 #ae ,i do not believe that these things would have been permitted by ,his ,majesty to be always going on if they were not ,his work4 ,these considerations1 and the reasons of so many saintly men1 give me courage when ,i am under the pressure of fear that they are not from ,god1 ,i being so wicked myself4 ,but when ,i am in prayer1 and during those days when ,i am in repose1 and my thoughts fixed on ,god1 if all the learned and holy men in the world came together and put me to1 all conceivable tortures1 and ,i1 too1 desirous of agreeing with them1 they could not make me believe that this is the work of ,satan1 for ,i cannot4 ,and when they would have had me believe it1 ,i was afraid1 seeing who it was that said so2 and ,i thought that they must be saying what was true1 and that ,i1 being what ,i was1 must have been deluded4 ,but all they had said to me was destroyed by the first word1 or recollection1 or vision that came1 and ,i was able to resist no longer1 and believed it was from ,god4 #af #bi4 ,however1 ,i can think that ,satan now and then may intermeddle here1 and so it is1 as ,i have seen and said2 but he produces different results1 nor can he1 as it seems to me1 deceive any one possessed of any experience4 ,nevertheless1 ,i say that1 though ,i do certainly believe this to be from ,god1 ,i would never do anything1 for any consideration whatever1 that is not judged by him who has the charge of my soul to be for the better service of our ,lord1 and ,i never had any intention but to obey without concealing anything1 for that is my duty4 ,i am very often rebuked for my faults1 and that in such a way as to pierce me to the very quick2 and ,i am warned when there is1 or when there may be1 any danger in what ,i am doing4 ,these rebukes and warnings have done me much good1 in often reminding me of my former sins1 which make me exceedingly sorry4 #cj4 ,i have been very long1 but this is the truth1--that1 when ,i rise from my prayer1 ,i see that ,i have received blessings which seem too briefly described4 ,afterwards ,i fall into many imperfections1 and am unprofitable and very wicked4 ,and perhaps ,i have no perception of what is good1 but am deluded2 still1 the difference in my life is notorious1 and compels me to think over all ,i have said--,i mean1 that which ,i verily believe ,i have felt4 ,these are the perfections which ,i feel our ,lord has wrought in me1 who am so wicked and so imperfect4 ,i refer it all to your judgment1 my father1 for you know the whole state of my soul4 #a4 ,fra ,anton4 a ,sancto ,joseph1 in his notes on this ,relation1 usually published among the letters of the ,saint1 ed4 ,doblado1 vol4 ii4 letter #aa1 says it was written for ,st4 ,peter of ,alcantara when he came to ,avila in #aefj1 at the time when the ,saint was so severely tried by her confessors and the others who examined her spirit1 and were convinced that her prayer was a delusion of ,satan3 see the ,life1 ch4 xxv4 #ah4 ,the following notes were discovered among the papers of the ,saint in the monastery of the ,incarnation1 and are supposed to refer to this ,relation4 ,the ,chronicler of the ,order1 ,fra ,francis a ,sancta ,maria1 is inclined to the belief that they were written by ,st4 ,peter of ,alcantara1 to whom the ,relation is addressed1 and the more so because ,ribera does not claim them for any member of the ,society1 notwithstanding the reference to them in #bb1 #bh4 #a4 ,the end ,god has in view is the drawing a soul to himself2 that of the devil is the withdrawing it from ,god4 ,our ,lord never does anything whereby anyone may be separated from ,him1 and the devil does nothing whereby any one may be made to draw near unto ,god4 ,all the visions and the other operations in the soul of this person draw her nearer unto ,god1 and make her more humble and obedient4 #b4 ,it is the teaching of ,st4 ,thomas that an angel of light may be recognised by the peace and quietness he leaves in the soul4 ,she is never visited in this way1 but she afterwards abides in peace and joy2 so much so1 that all the pleasures of earth together are not comparable to one of these visitations4 #c4 ,she never commits a fault1 nor falls into an imperfection1 without being instantly rebuked by ,him who speaks interiorly to her4 #d4 ,she has never prayed for nor wished for them3 all she wishes for is to do the will of ,god our ,lord in all things4 #e4 ,everything herein is consistent with the ,scriptures and the teaching of the ,church1 and most true1 according to the most rigorous principles of scholastic theology4 #f4 ,this soul is most pure and sincere1 with the most fervent desires of being pleasing unto ,god1 and of trampling on every earthly thing4 #g4 ,she has been told that whatever she shall ask of ,god1 being good1 she shall have4 ,she has asked much1 and things not convenient to put on paper lest it should be wearisome2 all of which our ,lord has granted4 #h4 ,when these operations are from ,god1 they are always directed to the good of the recipient1 to that of the community1 or of some other4 ,that she has profited by them she knows by experience1 and she knows it1 too1 of other persons also4 #i4 ,no one converses with her1 if he be not in evil dispositions1 who is not moved thereby to devotion1 even though she says nothing about it4 #aj4 ,she is growing daily in the perfection of virtues1 and learns by these things the way of a higher perfection4 ,and thus1 during the whole time in which she had visions1 she was making progress1 according to the doctrine of ,st4 ,thomas4 #aa4 ,the spirit that speaks to her soul never tells her anything in the way of news1 or what is unbecoming1 but only that which tends to edification4 #ab4 ,she has been told of some persons that they were full of devils3 but this was for the purpose of enabling her to understand the state of a soul which has sinned mortally against our ,lord4 #ac4 ,the devil's method is1 when he attempts to deceive a soul1 to advise that soul never to speak of what he says to it2 but the spirit that speaks to this soul warns her to be open with learned men1 servants of our ,lord1 and that the devil may deceive her if she should conceal anything through shame4 #ad4 ,so great is the progress of her soul in this way1 and the edification she ministers in the good example given1 that more than forty nuns in her monastery practise great recollection4 #ae4 ,these supernatural things occur after long praying1 when she is absorbed in ,god1 on fire with ,his love1 or at ,communion4 #af4 ,they kindle in her a most earnest desire to be on the right road1 and to escape the delusions of ,satan4 #ag4 ,they are in her the cause of the deepest humility2 she understands that what she receives comes to her from the hand of our ,lord1 and how little worth she is herself4 #ah4 ,when they are withheld1 anything that occurs is wont to pain and distress her2 but when she is in this state1 she remembers nothing2 all she is conscious of is a great longing for suffering1 and so great is it that she is amazed at it4 #ai4 ,they are to her sources of joy and consolation in her troubles1 when people speak ill of her1 and in her infirmities--and she has fearful pains about the heart1 sicknesses1 and many other afflictions1 all of which leave her when she has these visions4 #bj4 ,with all this1 she undergoes great penances1 fasting1 the discipline1 and mortifications4 #ba4 ,all that on earth may give her any pleasure1 and her trials1 which are many1 she bears with equal tranquillity of mind1 without losing the peace and quiet of her soul4 #bb4 ,her resolution never to offend our ,lord is so earnest that she has made a vow never to leave undone what she knows herself1 or is told by those who understand the matter better1 to be the more perfect4 ,and though she holds the members of the ,society to be saints1 and believes that our ,lord made use of them to bestow on her graces so great1 she told me that1 if she knew it would be more perfect to have nothing more to do with them1 she would never speak to them again1 nor see them1 notwithstanding the fact that it was through them that her mind had been quieted and directed in these things4 #bc4 ,the sweetnesses she commonly receives1 her sense of ,god1 her languishing with love1 are certainly marvellous1 and through these she is wont to be enraptured the whole day long4 #bd4 ,she frequently falls into a trance when she hears ,god spoken of with devotion and earnestness1 and cannot resist the rapture1 do what she can2 and in that state her appearance is such that she excites very great devotion4 #be4 ,she cannot bear to be directed by any one who will not tell her of her faults1 and rebuke her2 all that she accepts with great humility4 #bf4 ,moreover1 she cannot endure people who are in a state of perfection1 if they do not labour to become perfect1 according to the spirit of their rule4 #bg4 ,she is most detached from her kindred1 has no desire to converse with people1 and loves solitude4 ,she has a great devotion to the saints1 and on their feasts1 and on the days on which the ,church celebrates the mysteries of the faith1 is filled with most fervent affections for our ,lord4 #bh4 ,if all the members of the ,society1 and all the servants of ,god upon earth1 tell her that her state is an effect of the operations of ,satan1 or were to say so1 she is in fear and trembling before the visions occur2 but as soon as she is in prayer1 and recollected1 she cannot be persuaded1 were they to tear her into a thousand pieces1 that it is any other than ,god who is working in her and speaking to her4 #bi4 ,god has given her a most wonderfully strong and valiant spirit3 she was once timid2 now she tramples on all the evil spirits4 ,she has put far away from herself all the littleness and silliness of women2 she is singularly free from scruples1 and most sincere4 #cj4 ,besides1 our ,lord has given her the gift of most sweet tears1 great compassion for her neighbours1 the knowledge of her own faults1 a great reverence for good people1 and self-abasement2 and ,i am certain that she has done good to many1 of whom ,i am one4 #ca4 ,she is continually reminding herself of ,god1 and has a sense of ,his presence4 ,all the locutions have been verified1 and every one of them accomplished2 and this is a very great test4 #cb4 ,her visions are a source of great clearness in her understanding1 and an admirable illumination in the things of ,god4 #cc4 ,it was said to her that she should lead those who were trying her spirit to look into the ,scriptures1 and that they would not find that any soul desirous of pleasing ,god had been so long deceived4 #b4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxix4 #i-ac4 #c4 ,de la ,fuente thinks she means the religious state4 #d4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxiv4 #h1 and ch4 xxxi4 #bb4 #e4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxiii4 #ai4 #f4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxxv4 #b4 #g4 ,see ,life1 ch4 ix4 #f1 and ch4 xiv4 #g4 #h4 ,see #c1 above4 #i4 ,st4 ,matt4 vi4 #ca3 ,nolite ergo solliciti esse1 dicentes3 ,quid manducabimus4 4 4 4 aut quo operiemur8 #aj4 ,see ,life1 ch4 vii4 #b4 #aa4 ,see ,life1 ch4 ii4 #b4 #ab4 #b1 above4 #ac4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xx4 #bi4 #ad4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxxi4 #ag4 #ae4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxv4 #bj4 #af4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxv4 #ah1 #bb4 ,relation ,,ii4 ,to ,one of ,her ,confessors1 from the ,house of ,doa ,luisa de la ,cerda1 in #aefb4 #a ,jesus4 ,i think it is more than a year since this was written2 ,god has all this time protected me with ,his hand1 so that ,i have not become worse2 on the contrary1 ,i see a great change for the better in all ,i have to say3 may ,he be praised for it all6 #a4 ,the visions and revelations have not ceased1 but they are of a much higher kind4 ,our ,lord has taught me a way of prayer1 wherein ,i find myself far more advanced1 more detached from the things of this life1 more courageous1 and more free4 #b ,i fall into a trance more frequently1 for these ecstasies at times come upon me with great violence1 and in such a way as to be outwardly visible1 ,i having no power to resist them2 and even when ,i am with others--for they come in such a way as admits of no disguising them1 unless it be by letting people suppose that1 as ,i am subject to disease of the heart1 they are fainting-fits2 ,i take great pains1 however1 to resist them when they are coming on--sometimes ,i cannot do it4 #b4 ,as to poverty1 ,god seems to have wrought great things in me2 for ,i would willingly be without even what is necessary1 unless given me as an alms2 and therefore my longing is extreme that ,i may be in such a state as to depend on alms alone for my food4 ,it seems to me that to live1 when ,i am certain of food and raiment without fail1 is not so complete an observance of my vow or of the counsel of ,christ as it would be to live where no revenue is possessed1 and ,i should be in want at times2 and as to the blessings that come with true poverty1 they seem to me to be great1 and ,i would not miss them4 ,many times do ,i find myself with such great faith1 that ,i do not think ,god will ever fail those who serve ,him1 and without any doubt whatever that there is1 or can be1 any time in which ,his words are not fulfilled3 ,i cannot persuade myself to the contrary1 nor can ,i have any fear2 and so1 when they advise me to accept an endowment1 ,i feel it keenly1 and betake myself unto ,god4 #c4 ,i think ,i am much more compassionate towards the poor than ,i used to be1 having a great pity for them and a desire to help them2 for if ,i regarded only my good will1 ,i should give them even the habit ,i wear4 ,i am not fastidious with respect to them1 even if ,i had to do with them or touched them with my hands1--and this ,i now see is a gift of ,god2 for though ,i used to give alms for ,his love1 ,i had no natural compassion4 ,i am conscious of a distinct improvement herein4 #d4 ,as to the evil speaking directed against me1--which is considerable1 and highly injurious to me1 and done by many1--,i find myself herein also very much the better4 ,i think that what they say makes scarcely any more impression upon me than it would upon an idiot4 ,i think at times1 and nearly always1 that it is just4 ,i feel it so little that ,i see nothing in it that ,i might offer to ,god1 as ,i learn by experience that my soul gains greatly thereby2 on the contrary1 the evil speaking seems to be a favour4 ,and thus1 the first time ,i go to prayer1 ,i have no ill-feeling against them2 the first time ,i hear it1 it creates in me a little resistance1 but it neither disturbs nor moves me2 on the contrary1 when ,i see others occasionally disturbed1 ,i am sorry for them4 ,so it is1 ,i put myself out of the question2 for all the wrongs of this life seem to me so light1 that it is not possible to feel them1 because ,i imagine myself to be dreaming1 and see that all this will be nothing when ,i awake4 #e4 ,god is giving me more earnest desires1 a greater love of solitude1 a much greater detachment1 as ,i said1 with the visions2 by these ,he has made me know what all that is1 even if ,i gave up all the friends ,i have1 both men and women and kindred4 ,this is the least part of it3 my kindred are rather a very great weariness to me2 ,i leave them in all freedom and joy1 provided it be to render the least service unto ,god2 and thus on every side ,i find peace4 #f4 ,certain things1 about which ,i have been warned in prayer1 have been perfectly verified4 ,thus1 considering the graces received from ,god1 ,i find myself very much better2 but1 considering my service to ,him in return1 ,i am exceedingly worthless1 for ,i have received greater consolation than ,i have given1 though sometimes that gives me grievous pain4 ,my penance is very scanty1 the respect shown me great1 much against my own will very often4 #c ,however in a word1 ,i see that ,i live an easy1 not a penitential1 life2 ,god help me1 as ,he can6 #g4 ,it is now nine months1 more or less1 since ,i wrote this with mine own hand2 since then ,i have not turned my back on the graces which ,god has given me2 ,i think ,i have received1 so far as ,i can see1 a much greater liberty of late4 ,hitherto ,i thought ,i had need of others1 and ,i had more reliance on worldly helps4 ,now ,i clearly understand that all men are bunches of dried rosemary1 and that there is no safety in leaning on them1 for if they are pressed by contradictions or evil speaking they break down4 ,and so ,i know by experience that the only way not to fall is to cling to the cross1 and put our trust in ,him who was nailed thereto4 ,i find ,him a real ,friend1 and with ,him ,i find myself endowed with such might that1 ,god never failing me1 ,i think ,i should be able to withstand the whole world if it were against me4 #h4 ,having a clear knowledge of this truth1 ,i used to be very fond of being loved by others2 now ,i do not care for that1 yea1 rather1 their love seems to weary me in some measure1 excepting theirs who take care of my soul1 or theirs to whom ,i think ,i do good4 ,of the former ,i wish to be loved1 in order that they may bear with me2 and of the latter1 that they may be more inclined to believe me when ,i tell them that all is vanity4 #i4 ,in the very grievous trials1 persecutions1 and contradictions of these months1 #d ,god gave me great courage2 and the more grievous they were1 the greater the courage1 without weariness in suffering4 ,not only had ,i no ill-feeling against those who spoke evil of me1 but ,i had1 ,i believe1 conceived a deeper affection for them4 ,i know not how it was2 certainly it was a gift from the hand of our ,lord4 #aj4 ,when ,i desire anything1 ,i am accustomed naturally to desire it with some vehemence2 now my desires are so calm1 that ,i do not even feel that ,i am pleased when ,i see them fulfilled4 ,sorrow and joy1 excepting in that which relates to prayer1 are so moderated1 that ,i seem to be without sense1 and in that state ,i remain for some days4 #aa4 ,the vehement longings to do penance which come1 and have come1 upon me are great2 and if ,i do any penance1 ,i feel it to be so slight in comparison with that longing1 that ,i regard it sometimes1 and almost always1 as a special consolation2 however1 ,i do but little1 because of my great weakness4 #ab4 ,it is a very great pain to me very often1 and at this moment most grievous1 that ,i must take food1 particularly if ,i am in prayer4 ,it must be very great1 for it makes me weep much1 and speak the language of affliction1 almost without being aware of it1 and that is what ,i am not in the habit of doing1 for ,i do not remember that ,i ever did so in the very heaviest trials of my life3 ,i am not a woman in these things1 for ,i have a hard heart4 #ac4 ,i feel in myself a very earnest desire1 more so than usual1 that ,god may find those who will serve ,him1 particularly learned men1 in all detachment1 and who will not cleave to anything of this world1 for ,i see it is all a mockery2 for when ,i see the great needs of the ,church1 ,i look upon it as a mockery to be distressed about aught else4 ,i do nothing but pray to ,god for such men1 because ,i see that one person1 who is wholly perfect in the true fervour of the love of ,god1 will do more good than many who are lukewarm4 #ad4 ,in matters concerning the faith1 my courage seems to me much greater4 ,i think ,i could go forth alone by myself against the ,lutherans1 and convince them of their errors4 ,i feel very keenly the loss of so many souls4 ,i see many persons making great progress2 ,i see clearly it was the pleasure of ,god that such progress should have been helped by me2 and ,i perceive that my soul1 of ,his goodness1 grows daily more and more in ,his love4 #ae4 ,i think ,i could not be led away by vainglory1 even if ,i seriously tried1 and ,i do not see how ,i could imagine any one of my virtues to be mine1 for it is not long since ,i was for many years without any at all2 and now so far as ,i am concerned1 ,i do nothing but receive graces1 without rendering any service in return1 being the most worthless creature in the world4 ,and so it is that ,i consider at times how all1 except myself1 make progress2 ,i am good for nothing in myself4 ,this is not humility only1 but the simple truth2 and the knowledge of my being so worthless makes me sometimes think with fear that ,i must be under some delusion4 ,thus ,i see clearly that all my gain has come through the revelations and the raptures1 in which ,i am nothing myself1 and do no more to effect them than the canvas does for the picture painted on it4 ,this makes me feel secure and be at rest2 and ,i place myself in the hands of ,god1 and trust my desires2 for ,i know for certain that my desires are to die for ,him1 and to lose all ease1 and that whatever may happen4 #af4 ,there are days wherein ,i remember times without number the words of ,st4 ,paul1 #e--though certainly they are not true of me1--that ,i have neither life1 nor speech1 nor will of my own1 but that there is ,one in me by whom ,i am directed and made strong2 and ,i am1 as it were1 beside myself1 and thus life is a very grievous burden to me4 ,and the greatest oblation ,i make to ,god1 as the highest service on my part1 is that ,i1 when ,i feel it so painfully to be absent from ,him1 am willing to live on for the love of ,him4 ,i would have my life also full of great tribulations and persecutions2 now that ,i am unprofitable1 ,i should like to suffer2 and ,i would endure all the tribulations in the world to gain ever so little more merit--,i mean1 by a more perfect doing of ,his will4 #ag4 ,everything that ,i have learnt in prayer1 though it may be two years previously1 ,i have seen fulfilled4 ,what ,i see and understand of the grandeurs of ,god1 and of the way ,he has shown them1 is so high1 that ,i scarcely ever begin to think of them but my understanding fails me1--for ,i am as one that sees things far higher than ,i can understand1--and ,i become recollected4 #ah4 ,god so keeps me from offending ,him1 that ,i am verily amazed at times4 ,i think ,i discern the great care ,he takes of me1 without my taking scarcely any care at all1 being as ,i was1 before these things happened to me1 a sea of wickedness and sins1 and without a thought that ,i was mistress enough of myself to leave them undone4 ,and the reason why ,i would have this known is that the great power of ,god might be made manifest4 ,unto ,him be praise for ever and ever6 ,amen4 ,jesus4 ,this ,relation here set forth1 not in my handwriting1 is one that ,i gave to my confessor1 and which he with his own hand copied1 without adding or diminishing a word4 ,he was a most spiritual man and a theologian3 ,i discussed the state of my soul with him1 and he with other learned men1 among whom was ,father ,mancio4 #f ,they found nothing in it that is not in perfect agreement with the holy writings4 ,this makes me calm now1 though1 while ,god is leading me by this way1 ,i feel that it is necessary for me to put no trust whatever in myself4 ,and so ,i have always done1 though it is painful enough4 ,you1 my father1 will be careful that all this goes under the seal of confession1 according to my request4 #a4 ,addressed1 it is believed1 to her confessor1 ,f4 ,pedro ,ibaez4 ,this ,relation corresponds with ch4 xxxiv4 of the ,life 7,de la ,fuente74 #b4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxvii4 #c4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxxi4 #ae4 #d4 ,the ,saint is supposed to refer to the troubles she endured during the foundation of the monastery of ,st4 ,joseph4 #e4 ,gal4 ii4 #bj3 ,vivo autem1 jam non ego2 vivit vero in me ,christus4 #f4 ,a celebrated ,dominican1 professor of theology in ,salamanca 7,bouix74 ,relation ,,iii4 ,of ,various ,graces ,granted to the ,saint from the ,year #aefh to #aega ,inclusive4 #a4 ,when ,i was in the monastery of ,toledo1 and some people were advising me not to allow any but noble persons to be buried there1 #a our ,lord said to me3 ,thou wilt be very inconsistent1 ,my daughter1 if thou regardest the laws of the world4 ,look at ,me1 poor and despised of men3 are the great people of the world likely to be great in ,my eyes8 or is it descent or virtue that is to make you esteemed8 #b4 ,after ,communion1 the second day of ,lent1 in ,st4 ,joseph of ,malagon1 our ,lord ,jesus ,christ appeared to me in an imaginary vision1 as ,he is ,i wont to do2 and when ,i was looking upon ,him ,i saw that ,he had on ,his head1 instead of the crown of thorns1 a crown of great splendour1 over the part where the wounds of that crown must have been4 ,and as ,i have a great devotion to the crowning with thorns1 ,i was exceedingly consoled1 and began to think how great the pain must have been because of the many wounds1 and to be sorrowful4 ,our ,lord told me not to be sad because of those wounds1 but for the many wounds which men inflict upon ,him now4 ,i asked ,him what ,i could do by way of reparation2 for ,i was resolved to do anything4 ,he replied3 ,this is not the time for rest2 that ,i must hasten on the foundations1 for ,he would take ,his rest with the souls which entered the monasteries2 that ,i must admit all who offered themselves1 because there were many souls that did not serve ,him because they had no place wherein to do it2 that those monasteries which were to be founded in small towns should be like this2 that the merit of those in them would be as great1 if they only desired to do that which was done in the other houses2 that ,i must contrive to put them all under the jurisdiction of one superior1 #b and take care that anxieties about means of bodily maintenance did not destroy interior peace1 for ,he would help us1 so that we should never be in want of food4 ,especial care was to be had of the sick sisters2 the prioress who did not provide for and comfort the sick was like the friends of ,job3 ,he sent them sickness for the good of their souls1 and careless superiors risked the patience of their nuns4 ,i was to write the history of the foundation of the monasteries4 ,i was thinking how there was nothing to write about in reference to the foundation of ,medina1 when ,he asked me1 what more did ,i want to see than that the foundation there was miraculous8 ,by this ,he meant to say that ,he alone had done it1 when it seemed impossible4 #c ,i resolved to execute ,his commands4 #c4 ,our ,lord told me something ,i was to tell another1 and as ,i was considering how ,i did not understand it at all1--though ,i prayed to ,him1 and was thinking it might be from ,satan1--,he said to me that it was not1 and that ,he ,himself would warn me when the time came4 #d4 ,once1 when ,i was thinking how much more purely they live who withdraw themselves from all business1 and how ill it goes with me1 and how many faults ,i must be guilty of1 when ,i have business to transact1 ,i heard this3 ,it cannot be otherwise1 ,my daughter2 but strive thou always after a good intention in all things1 and detachment2 lift up thine eyes to ,me1 and see that all thine actions may resemble ,mine4 #e4 ,thinking how it was that ,i scarcely ever fell into a trance of late in public1 ,i heard this3 ,it is not necessary now2 thou art sufficiently esteemed for ,my purpose2 we are considering the weakness of the wicked4 #f4 ,one ,tuesday after the ,ascension1 #d having prayed for awhile after ,communion in great distress1 because ,i was so distracted that ,i could fix my mind on nothing1 ,i complained of our poor nature to our ,lord4 ,the fire began to kindle in my soul1 and ,i saw1 as it seemed to me1 the most ,holy ,trinity #e distinctly present in an intellectual vision1 whereby my soul understood through a certain representation1 as a figure of the truth1 so far as my dulness could understand1 how ,god is ,three and ,one2 and thus it seemed to me that all the ,three ,persons spoke to me1 that ,they were distinctly present in my soul1 saying unto me that from that day forth ,i should see that my soul had grown better in three ways1 and that each one of the ,three ,persons had bestowed on me a distinct grace1--in charity1 in suffering joyfully1 in a sense of that charity in my soul1 accompanied with fervour4 ,i learnt the meaning of those words of our ,lord1 that the ,three ,divine ,persons will dwell in the soul that is in a state of grace4 #f ,afterwards giving thanks to our ,lord for so great a mercy1 and finding myself utterly unworthy of it1 ,i asked ,his ,majesty with great earnestness how it was that ,he1 after showing such mercies to me1 let me go out of ,his hand1 and allowed me to become so wicked2 for on the previous day ,i had been in great distress on account of my sins1 which ,i had set before me4 ,i saw clearly then how much our ,lord on ,his part had done1 ever since my infancy1 to draw me to ,himself by means most effectual1 and yet1 that all had failed4 ,then ,i had a clear perception of the surpassing love of ,god for us1 in that ,he forgives us all this when we turn to ,him1 and for me more than for any other1 for many reasons4 ,the vision of the ,three ,divine ,persons--one ,god--made so profound an impression on my soul1 that if it had continued it would have been impossible for me not to be recollected in so divine a company4 ,what ,i saw and heard besides is beyond my power to describe4 #g4 ,once1 when ,i was about to communicate1--it was shortly before ,i had this vision1--the ,host being still in the ciborium1 for ,it had not yet been given me1 ,i saw something like a dove1 which moved its wings with a sound4 ,it disturbed me so much1 and so carried me away out of myself1 that it was with the utmost difficulty ,i received the ,host4 ,all this took place in ,st4 ,joseph of ,avila4 ,it was ,father ,francis ,salcedo who was giving me the most ,holy ,sacrament4 ,hearing ,mass another day1 ,i saw our ,lord glorious in the ,host2 ,he said to me that his sacrifice was acceptable unto ,him4 #h4 ,i heard this once3 ,the time will come when many miracles will be wrought in this church2 it will be called the holy church4 ,it was in ,st4 ,joseph of ,avila1 in the year #aega4 #i4 ,i retain to this day1 which is the ,commemoration of ,st4 ,paul1 the presence of the ,three ,persons of which ,i spoke in the beginning2 #g they are present almost continually in my soul4 ,i1 being accustomed to the presence of ,jesus ,christ only1 always thought that the vision of the ,three ,persons was in some degree a hindrance1 though ,i know the ,three ,persons are but ,one ,god4 ,to-day1 while thinking of this1 our ,lord said to me that ,i was wrong in imagining that those things which are peculiar to the soul can be represented by those of the body2 ,i was to understand that they were very different1 and that the soul had a capacity for great fruition4 ,it seemed to me as if this were shown to me thus3 as water penetrates and is drunk in by the sponge1 so1 it seemed to me1 did the ,divinity fill my soul1 which in a certain sense had the fruition and possession of the ,three ,persons4 ,and ,i heard ,him say also3 ,labour thou not to hold ,me within thyself enclosed1 but enclose thou thyself within ,me4 ,it seemed to me that ,i saw the ,three ,persons within my soul1 and communicating ,themselves to all creatures abundantly without ceasing to be with me4 #aj4 ,a few days after this1 thinking whether they were right who disapproved of my going out to make new foundations1 and whether it would not be better for me if ,i occupied myself always with prayer1 ,i heard this3 ,during this life1 the true gain consists not in striving after greater joy in ,me1 but in doing ,my will4 ,it seemed to me1 considering what ,st4 ,paul says about women1 how they should stay at home1 #h--people reminded me lately of this1 and1 indeed1 ,i had heard it before1--it might be the will of ,god ,i should do so too4 ,he said to me3 ,tell them they are not to follow one part of the ,scripture by itself1 without looking to the other parts also2 perhaps1 if they could1 they would like to tie ,my hands4 #aa4 ,one day after the octave of the ,visitation1 in one of the hermitages of ,mount ,carmel1 praying to ,god for one of my brothers1 ,i said to our ,lord1--,i do not know whether it was only in thought or not1 for my brother was in a place where his salvation was in peril1--,if ,i saw one of ,thy brethren1 ,o ,lord1 in this danger1 what would ,i not do to help him6 ,it seemed to me there was nothing that ,i could do which ,i would not have done4 ,our ,lord said to me3 ,o daughter1 daughter6 the nuns of the ,incarnation are thy sisters1 and thou holdest back4 ,take courage1 then4 ,behold1 this is what ,i would have thee do3 it is not so difficult as it seems2 and though it seems to thee that by going thither thy foundations will be ruined1 yet it is by thy going that both these and the monastery of the ,incarnation will gain2 resist not1 for ,my power is great4 #i #ab4 ,once1 when thinking of the great penance practised by ,doa ,catalina de ,cardona1 #aj and how ,i might have done more1 considering the desires which our ,lord had given me at times1 if it had not been for my obedience to my confessors1 ,i asked myself whether it would not be as well if ,i disobeyed them for the future in this matter4 ,our ,lord said to me3 ,no1 ,my daughter2 thou art on the sound and safe road4 ,seest thou all her penance8 ,i think more of thy obedience4 #ac4 ,once1 when ,i was in prayer1 ,he showed me by a certain kind of intellectual vision the condition of a soul in a state of grace3 in its company ,i saw by intellectual vision the most ,holy ,trinity1 from whose companionship the soul derived a power which was a dominion over the whole earth4 ,i understood the meaning of those words in the ,canticle3 ,let my ,beloved come into ,his garden and eat4 #aa ,he showed me also the condition of a soul in sin1 utterly powerless1 like a person tied and bound and blindfold1 who1 though anxious to see1 yet cannot1 being unable to walk or to hear1 and in grievous obscurity4 ,i was so exceedingly sorry for such souls1 that1 to deliver only one1 any trouble seemed to me light4 ,i thought it impossible for any one who saw this as ,i saw it1--and ,i can hardly explain it1--willingly to forfeit so great a good or continue in so evil a state4 #ad4 ,one day1 in very great distress about the state of the ,order1 and casting about for means to succour it1 our ,lord said to me3 ,do thou what is in thy power1 and leave ,me to ,myself1 and be not disquieted by anything2 rejoice in the blessing thou hast received1 for it is a very great one4 ,my ,father is pleased with thee1 and the ,holy ,ghost loves thee4 #ae4 ,thou art ever desiring trials1 and1 on the other hand1 declining them4 ,i order things according to what ,i know thy will is1 and not according to thy sensuality and weakness4 ,be strong1 for thou seest how ,i help thee2 ,i have wished thee to gain this crown4 ,thou shalt see the ,order of the ,virgin greatly advanced in thy days4 ,i heard this from our ,lord about the middle of ,february1 #aega4 #af4 ,on the eve of ,st4 ,sebastian1 the first year of my being in the monastery of the ,incarnation #ab as prioress there1 at the beginning of the ,salve1 ,i saw the ,mother of ,god descend with a multitude of angels to the stall of the prioress1 where the image of our ,lady is1 and sit there herself4 ,i think ,i did not see the image then1 but only our ,lady4 ,she seemed to be like that picture of her which the ,countess #ac gave me2 but ,i had no time to ascertain this1 because ,i fell at once into a trance4 ,multitudes of angels seemed to me to be above the canopies of the stalls1 and on the desks in front of them2 but ,i saw no bodily forms1 for the vision was intellectual4 ,she remained there during the ,salve1 and said to me3 ,thou hast done well to place me here2 ,i will be present when the sisters sing the praises of my ,son1 and will offer them to ,him4 ,after this ,i remained in that prayer which ,i still practise1 and which is that of keeping my soul in the company of the most ,holy ,trinity2 and it seemed to me that the ,person of the ,father drew me to ,himself1 and spoke to me most comfortable words4 ,among them were these1 while showing how ,he loved me3 ,i give thee ,my ,son1 and the ,holy ,ghost1 and the ,virgin3 what canst thou give ,me8 #ad #ag4 ,on the octave of the ,holy ,ghost1 our ,lord was gracious unto me1 and gave me hopes of this house1 #ae that it would go on improving--,i mean the souls that are in it4 #ah4 ,on the feast of the ,magdalene1 our ,lord again confirmed a grace ,i had received in ,toledo1 electing me1 in the absence of a certain person1 in her place4 #ai4 ,in the monastery of the ,incarnation1 and in the second year of my being prioress there1 on the octave of ,st4 ,martin1 when ,i was going to ,communion1 the ,father1 ,fr4 ,john of the ,cross1 #af--;divided the ,host between me and another sister4 ,i thought it was done1 not because there was any want of ,hosts1 but that he wished to mortify me because ,i had told him how much ,i delighted in ,hosts of a large size4 ,yet ,i was not ignorant that the size of the ,host is of no moment2 for ,i knew that our ,lord is whole and entire in the smallest particle4 ,his ,majesty said to me3 ,have no fear1 ,my daughter2 for no one will be able to separate thee from ,me1--giving me to understand that the size of the ,host mattered not4 #bj4 ,then appearing to me1 as on other occasions1 in an imaginary vision1 most interiorly1 ,he held out ,his right hand and said3 ,behold this nail6 it is the pledge of thy being ,my bride from this day forth4 ,until now thou hadst not merited it2 from henceforth thou shalt regard ,my honour1 not only as of one who is ,thy ,creator1 ,king1 and ,god1 but as thine1 ,my veritable bride2 ,my honour is thine1 and thine is ,mine4 ,this grace had such an effect on me1 that ,i could not contain myself3 ,i became as one that is foolish1 and said to our ,lord3 ,either ennoble my vileness or cease to bestow such mercies on me1 for certainly ,i do not think that nature can bear them4 ,i remained thus the whole day1 as one utterly beside herself4 ,afterwards ,i became conscious of great progress1 and greater shame and distress to see that ,i did nothing in return for graces so great4 #ba4 ,our ,lord said this to me one day3 ,thinkest thou1 ,my daughter1 that meriting lies in fruition8 ,no2 merit lies only in doing1 in suffering1 and in loving4 ,you never heard that ,st4 ,paul had the fruition of heavenly joys more than once2 while he was often in sufferings4 #ag ,thou seest how ,my whole life was full of dolors1 and only on ,mount ,tabor hast thou heard of ,me in glory4 #ah ,do not suppose1 when thou seest ,my ,mother hold ,me in her arms1 that she had that joy unmixed with heavy sorrows4 ,from the time that ,simeon spoke to her1 ,my ,father made her see in clear light all ,i had to suffer4 ,the grand ,saints of the desert1 as they were led by ,god1 so also did they undergo heavy penances2 besides1 they waged serious war with the devil and with themselves1 and much of their time passed away without any spiritual consolation whatever4 ,believe ,me1 ,my daughter1 his trials are the heaviest whom ,my ,father loves most2 trials are the measure of ,his love4 ,how can ,i show ,my love for thee better than by desiring for thee what ,i desired for ,myself8 ,consider ,my wounds2 thy pains will never reach to them4 ,this is the way of truth2 thus shalt thou help ,me to weep over the ruin of those who are in the world1 for thou knowest how all their desires1 anxieties1 and thoughts tend the other way4 ,when ,i began my prayer that day1 my headache was so violent that ,i thought ,i could not possibly go on4 ,our ,lord said to me3 ,behold now1 the reward of suffering4 ,as thou1 on account of thy health1 wert unable to speak to ,me1 ,i spoke to thee and comforted thee4 ,certainly1 so it was2 for the time of my recollection lasted about an hour and a half1 more or less4 ,it was then that ,he spoke to me the words ,i have just related1 together with all the others4 ,i was not able to distract myself1 neither knew ,i where ,i was2 my joy was so great as to be indescribable2 my headache was gone1 and ,i was amazed1 and ,i had a longing for suffering4 ,he also told me to keep in mind the words ,he said to ,his ,apostles3 ,the servant is not greater than his ,lord4 #ai #a4 ,alonzo ,ramirez wished to have the right of burial in the new monastery1 but the nobles of ,toledo looked on his request as unreasonable4 ,see ,foundations1 chs4 xv4 and xvi4 #b4 ,see ,way of ,perfection1 ch4 viii42 but ch4 v4 of the previous editions4 #c4 ,see ,book of the ,foundations1 ch4 iii4 #d4 ,in the copy kept in ,toledo1 the day is ,tuesday after the ,assumption 7,de la ,fuente74 #e4 ,ch4 xxvii4 #aj4 #f4 ,st4 ,john xiv4 #bc3 ,ad eum veniemus1 et mansionem apud eum faciemus4 #g4 ,see #f4 #h4 ,titus ii4 #e3 ,sobrias1 domus curam habentes4 #i4 ,this took place in #aega1 when the ,saint had been appointed prioress of the monastery of the ,incarnation at ,avila2 the very house she had left in order to found that of ,st4 ,joseph1 to keep the rule in its integrity4 #aj4 ,see ,book of the ,foundations1 ch4 xxviii4 #aa4 ,cant4 v4 #a3 ,veniat dilectus meus in hortum suum1 et comedat4 #ab4 ,a4,d4 #aegb4 #ac4 ,maria de ,velasco y ,aragon1 ,countess of ,osorno 7,ribera1 lib4 iii4 c4 #a74 #ad4 ,see ,relation iv4 #b4 #ae4 ,the monastery of the ,incarnation1 ,avila 7,de la ,fuente74 #af4 ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 at the instance of the ,saint1 was sent to ,avila1 with another father of the reformed ,carmelites1 to be confessor of the nuns of the ,incarnation1 who then disliked the observance of the primitive rule4 #ag4 #b ,cor4 xi4 #bg3 ,in labore et rumna1 in vigiliis multis4 #ah4 ,st4 ,matt4 xvii4 #b3 ,et transfiguratus est ante eos4 #ai4 ,st4 ,john xiii4 #af3 ,non est servus major domino suo4 ,relation ,,iv4 ,of the ,graces the ,saint ,received in ,salamanca at the ,end of ,lent1 #aega4 #a4 ,i found myself the whole of yesterday in great desolation1 and1 except at ,communion1 did not feel that it was the day of the ,resurrection4 ,last night1 being with the community1 ,i heard one #a of them singing how hard it is to be living away from ,god4 ,as ,i was then suffering1 the effect of that singing on me was such that a numbness began in my hands1 and no efforts of mine could hinder it2 but as ,i go out of myself in raptures of joy1 so then my soul was thrown into a trance through the excessive pain1 and remained entranced2 and until this day ,i had not felt this4 ,a few days previously ,i thought that the vehement impulses were not so great as they used to be1 and now it seems to be that the reason is what ,i have described2 ,i know not if it is so4 ,hitherto the pain had not gone so far as to make me beside myself2 and as it is so unendurable1 and as ,i retained the control of my senses1 it made me utter loud cries beyond my power to restrain4 ,now that it has grown1 it has reached this point of piercing me2 and ,i understand more of that piercing which our ,lady suffered2 for until to-day1 as ,i have just said1 ,i never knew what that piercing was4 ,my body was so bruised1 that ,i suffer even now when ,i am writing this2 for my hands are as if the joints were loosed1 and in pain4 #b ,you1 my father1 will tell me when you see me whether this trance be the effect of suffering1 or whether ,i felt it1 or whether ,i am deceived4 #b4 ,i was in this great pain till this morning2 and1 being in prayer1 ,i fell into a profound trance2 and it seemed to me that our ,lord had taken me up in spirit to ,his ,father1 and said to ,him3 ,whom ,thou hast given to ,me1 ,i give to ,thee2 #c and ,he seemed to draw me near to ,himself4 ,this is not an imaginary vision1 but one most certain1 and so spiritually subtile that it cannot be explained4 ,he spoke certain words to me which ,i do not remember4 ,some of them referred to ,his grace1 which ,he bestows on me4 ,he kept me by ,him for some time4 #c4 ,as you1 my father1 went away yesterday so soon1 and ,i consider the many affairs which detain you1 so that it is impossible for me to have recourse to you for comfort even when necessary1--for ,i see that your occupations are most urgent1--,i was for some time in pain and sadness4 ,as ,i was then in desolation1--as ,i said before1--that helped me2 and as nothing on earth1 ,i thought1 had any attractions for me1 ,i had a scruple1 and feared ,i was beginning to lose that liberty4 ,this took place last night2 and to-day our ,lord answered my doubt1 and said to me that ,i was not to be surprised2 for as men seek for companions with whom they may speak of their sensual satisfactions1 so the soul--when there is any one who understands it--seeks those to whom it may communicate its pleasures and its pains1 and is sad and mourns when it can find none4 ,he said to me3 ,thou art prosperous now1 and thy works please ,me4 ,as ,he remained with me for some time1 ,i remembered that ,i had told you1 my father1 that these visions pass quickly away2 ,he said to me that there was a difference between these and the imaginary visions1 and that there could not be an invariable law concerning the graces ,he bestowed on us2 for it was expedient to give them now in one way1 now in another4 #d4 ,after ,communion1 ,i saw our ,lord most distinctly close beside me2 and ,he began to comfort me with great sweetness1 and said to me1 among other things3 ,thou beholdest ,me present1 ,my daughter1--it is ,i4 ,show me thy hands4 ,and to me ,he seemed to take them and to put them to ,his side1 and said3 ,behold ,my wounds2 thou art not without ,me4 ,finish the short course of thy life4 ,by some things ,he said to me1 ,i understood that1 after ,his ,ascension1 ,he never came down to the earth except in the most ,holy ,sacrament to communicate ,himself to any one4 ,he said to me1 that when ,he rose again ,he showed ,himself to our ,lady1 because she was in great trouble2 for sorrow had so pierced her soul that she did not even recover herself at once in order to have the fruition of that joy4 ,by this ,i saw how different was my piercing4 #d ,but what must that of the ,virgin have been8 ,he remained long with her then because it was necessary to console her4 #e4 ,on ,palm ,sunday1 at ,communion1 ,i was in a deep trance1--so much so1 that ,i was not able even to swallow the ,host2 and1 still having ,it in my mouth1 when ,i had come a little to myself1 ,i verily believed that my mouth was all filled with ,blood2 and my face and my whole body seemed to be covered with ,it1 as if our ,lord had been shedding ,it at that moment4 ,i thought ,it was warm1 and the sweetness ,i then felt was exceedingly great2 and our ,lord said to me3 ,daughter1 ,my will is that ,my ,blood should profit thee2 and be not thou afraid that ,my compassion will fail thee4 ,i shed ,it in much suffering1 and1 as thou seest1 thou hast the fruition of ,it in great joy4 ,i reward thee well for the pleasure thou gavest me to-day4 ,he said this because ,i have been in the habit of going to ,communion1 if possible1 on this day for more than thirty years1 and of labouring to prepare my soul to be the host of our ,lord2 for ,i considered the cruelty of the ,jews to be very great1 after giving ,him so grand a reception1 in letting ,him go so far for supper2 and ,i used to picture ,him as remaining with me1 and truly in a poor lodging1 as ,i see now4 ,and thus ,i used to have such foolish thoughts--they must have been acceptable to our ,lord1 for this was one of the visions which ,i regard as most certain2 and1 accordingly it has been a great blessing to me in the matter of ,communion4 #f4 ,previous to this1 ,i had been1 ,i believe1 for three days in that great pain1 which ,i feel sometimes more than at others1 because ,i am away from ,god2 and during those days it had been very great1 and seemingly more than ,i could bear4 ,being thus exceedingly wearied by it1 ,i saw it was late to take my collation1 nor could ,i do so1--for if ,i do not take it a little earlier1 it occasions great weakness because of my sickness2 and then1 doing violence to myself1 ,i took up some bread to prepare for collation1 and on the instant ,christ appeared1 and seemed to be breaking the bread and putting it into my mouth4 ,he said to me3 ,eat1 ,my daughter1 and bear it as well as thou canst4 ,i condole with thee in thy suffering2 but it is good for thee now4 ,my pain was gone1 and ,i was comforted2 for ,he seemed to be really with me then1 and the whole of the next day2 and with this my desires were then satisfied4 ,the word condole made me strong2 for now ,i do not think ,i am suffering at all4 #a4 ,isabel of ,jesus1 born in ,segovia1 and whose family name was ,jimena1 told ,ribera 7vide lib4 iv4 c4 v47 that she was the singer1 being then a novice in ,salamanca4 #b4 ,see ,fortress of the ,soul1 vi4 ch4 xi4 #c4 ,see ,relation1 iii4 #af4 #d4 ,see above1 #a4 ,relation ,v4 ,observations on ,certain ,points of ,spirituality4 #a4 ,what is it that distresses thee1 little sinner8 ,am ,i not thy ,god8 ,dost thou not see how ill ,i am treated here8 ,if thou lovest ,me1 why art thou not sorry for ,me8 ,daughter1 light is very different from darkness4 ,i am faithful2 no one will be lost without knowing it4 ,he must be deceiving himself who relies on spiritual sweetnesses2 the true safety lies in the witness of a good conscience4 #a ,but let no one think that of himself he can abide in the light1 any more than he can hinder the natural night from coming on2 for that depends on ,my grace4 ,the best means he can have for retaining the light is the conviction in his soul that he can do nothing of himself1 and that it comes from ,me2 for1 even if he were in the light1 the instant ,i withdraw1 night will come4 ,true humility is this3 the soul's knowing what itself can do1 and what ,i can do4 ,do not neglect to write down the counsels ,i give thee1 that thou mayest not forget them4 ,thou seekest to have the counsels of men in writing2 why1 then1 thinkest thou that thou art wasting time in writing down those ,i give thee8 ,the time will come when thou shalt require them all4 ,on ,union4 #b4 ,do not suppose1 ,my daughter1 that to be near to ,me is union2 for they who sin against ,me are near ,me1 though they do not wish it4 ,nor is union the joys and comforts of union1 #b though they be of the very highest kind1 and though they come from ,me4 ,these very often are means of winning souls1 even if they are not in a state of grace4 ,when ,i heard this1 ,i was in a high degree lifted up in spirit4 ,our ,lord showed me what the spirit was1 and what the state of the soul was then1 and the meaning of those words of the ,magnificat1 ,exultavit spiritus meus4 ,he showed me that the spirit was the higher part of the will4 #c4 ,to return to union2 ,i understood it to be a spirit1 pure and raised up above all the things of earth1 with nothing remaining in it that would swerve from the will of ,god1 being a spirit and a will resigned to ,his will1 and in detachment from all things1 occupied in ,god in such a way as to leave no trace of any love of self1 or of any created thing whatever4 #c ,thereupon1 ,i considered that1 if this be union1 it comes to this1 that1 as my soul is always abiding in this resolution1 we can say of it that it is always in this prayer of union3 and yet it is true that the union lasts but a very short time4 ,it was suggested to me that1 as to living in justice1 meriting and making progress1 it will be so2 but it cannot be said that the soul is in union as it is when in contemplation2 and ,i thought ,i understood1 yet not by words heard1 that the dust of our wretchedness1 faults1 and imperfections1 wherein we bury ourselves1 is so great1 that it is not possible to live in such pureness as the spirit is in when in union with ,god1 raised up and out of our wretched misery4 ,and ,i think1 if it be union to have our will and spirit in union with the will and ,spirit of ,god1 that it is not possible for any one not in a state of grace to attain thereto2 and ,i have been told so4 ,accordingly1 ,i believe it is very difficult to know when the soul is in union2 to have that knowledge is a special grace of ,god1 because nobody can tell whether he is in a state of grace or not4 #d #d4 ,you will show me in writing1 my father1 what you think of this1 and how ,i am in the wrong1 and send me this paper back4 #e4 ,i had read in a book that it was an imperfection to possess pictures well painted1--and ,i would not1 therefore1 retain in my cell one that ,i had2 and also1 before ,i had read this1 ,i thought that it was poverty to possess none1 except those made of paper1--and1 as ,i read this afterwards1 ,i would not have any of any other material4 ,i learnt from our ,lord1 when ,i was not thinking at all about this1 what ,i am going to say3 that this mortification was not right4 ,which is better1 poverty or charity8 ,but as love was the better1 whatever kindled love in me1 that ,i must not give up1 nor take away from my nuns2 for the book spoke of much adorning and curious devices--not of pictures4 #e ,what ,satan was doing among the ,lutherans was the taking away from them all those means by which their love might be the more quickened2 and thus they were going to perdition4 ,those who are loyal to ,me1 ,my daughter1 must now1 more than ever1 do the very reverse of what they do4 ,i understood that ,i was under great obligations to serve our ,lady and ,st4 ,joseph1 because1 when ,i was utterly lost1 ,god1 through their prayers1 came and saved me4 #f4 ,one day1 after the feast of ,st4 ,matthew1 #f ,i was as is usual with me1 after seeing in a vision the most ,holy ,trinity1 and how ,it is present in a soul in a state of grace4 #g ,i understood the mystery most clearly1 in such a way that1 after a certain fashion and comparisons1 ,i saw ,it in an imaginary vision4 ,and though at other times ,i have seen the most ,holy ,trinity in an intellectual vision1 for some days after the truth of it did not rest with me1--as it does now1--,i mean1 so that ,i could dwell upon it4 ,i see now that it is just as learned men told me2 and ,i did not understand it as ,i do now1 though ,i believed them without the least hesitation2 for ,i never had any temptations against the faith4 #g4 ,it seems to us ignorant women that the ,persons of the most ,holy ,trinity are all ,three1 as we see ,them painted1 in one ,person1 after the manner of those pictures1 which represent a body with three faces2 and thus it causes such astonishment in us that we look on it as impossible1 and so there is nobody who dares to think of it2 for the understanding is perplexed1 is afraid it may come to doubt the truth1 and that robs us of a great blessing4 #h4 ,what ,i have seen is this3 ,three distinct ,persons each one by ,himself visible1 and by ,himself speaking4 #h ,and afterwards ,i have been thinking that the ,son alone took human flesh1 whereby this truth is known4 ,the ,persons love1 communicate1 and know ,themselves4 ,then1 if each one is by ,himself1 how can we say that the ,three are one ,essence1 and so believe8 ,that is a most deep truth1 and ,i would die for it a thousand times4 ,in the ,three ,persons there is but one will and one power and one might2 neither can ,one be without ,another3 so that of all created things there is but one sole ,creator4 ,could the ,son create an ant without the ,father8 ,no2 because the power is all one4 ,the same is to be said of the ,holy ,ghost4 ,thus1 there is one ,god ,almighty1 and the ,three ,persons are one ,majesty4 ,is it possible to love the ,father without loving the ,son and the ,holy ,ghost8 ,no2 for he who shall please ,one of the ,three pleases the ,three ,persons2 and he who shall offend ,one offends ,all4 ,can the ,father be without the ,son and without the ,holy ,ghost8 ,no2 for ,they are one substance1 and where ,one is there are the ,three2 for they cannot be divided4 ,how1 then1 is it that we see the ,three ,persons distinct8 and how is it that the ,son1 not the ,father1 nor the ,holy ,ghost1 took human flesh8 ,this is what ,i have never understood2 theologians know it4 ,i know well that the ,three were there when that marvellous work was done1 and ,i do not busy myself with much thinking thereon4 ,all my thinking thereon comes at once to this3 that ,i see ,god is almighty1 that ,he has done what ,he would1 and so can do what ,he will4 ,the less ,i understand it1 the more ,i believe it1 and the greater the devotion it excites in me4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever6 ,amen4 #i4 ,if our ,lord had not been so gracious with me as ,he has been1 ,i do not think ,i should have had the courage to do what has been done1 nor strength to undergo the labours endured1 with the contradictions and the opinions of men4 ,and accordingly1 since the beginning of the foundations1 ,i have lost the fears ,i formerly had1 thinking that ,i was under delusions1--and ,i had a conviction that it was the work of ,god3 having this1 ,i ventured upon difficult things1 though always with advice and under obedience4 ,i see in this that when our ,lord willed to make a beginning of the ,order1 and of ,his mercy made use of me1 ,his ,majesty had to supply all that ,i was deficient in1 which was everything1 in order that the work might be effected1 and that ,his greatness might be the more clearly revealed in one so wicked4 #aj4 ,antiochus was unendurable to himself1 and to those who were about him1 because of the stench of his many sins4 #i #aa4 ,confession is for faults and sins1 and not for virtues1 nor for anything of the kind relating to prayer4 ,these things are to be treated of out of confession with one who understands the matter1--and let the prioress see to this2 and the nun must explain the straits she is in1 in order that the proper helps may be found for her2 for ,cassian says that he who does not know the fact1 as well as he who has never seen or learnt1 that men can swim1 will think1 when he sees people throw themselves into the river1 that they will all be drowned4 #aj #ab4 ,our ,lord would have ,joseph tell the vision to his brethren1 and have it known1 though it was to cost ,joseph so much4 #ac4 ,how the soul has a sense of fear when ,god is about to bestow any great grace upon it2 that sense is the worship of the spirit1 as that of the four #aa elders spoken of in ,scripture4 #ad4 ,how1 when the faculties are suspended1 it is to be understood that certain matters are suggested to the soul1 to be by it recommended to ,god2 that an angel suggests them1 of whom it is said in the ,scriptures that he was burning incense and offering up the prayers of the saints4 #ab #ae4 ,how there are no sins where there is no knowledge2 and thus our ,lord did not permit the king to sin with the wife of ,abraham1 for he thought that she was his sister1 not his wife4 #a4 #b ,cor4 i4 #ab3 ,gloria nostra hc est1 testimonium conscienti nostr4 #b4 ,see ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,mount ,carmel1 bk4 ii4 ch4 v4 #c4 ,see ,foundations1 ch4 v4 #aj4 #d4 ,eccl4 ix4 #a3 ,nescit homo utrum amore an odio dignus sit4 #e4 ,see ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,mount ,carmel1 bk4 iii4 ch4 xxxiv4 #f4 ,the #f1 #g1 and #h are the thirteenth letter of the second volume1 ed4 ,doblado4 #g4 ,see ,relation iii4 #ac4 #h4 ,anton4 a ,sancto ,joseph1 in his notes on this passage1 is anxious to save the ,thomist doctrine that one of the ,divine ,persons cannot be seen without the other1 and so he says that the ,saint speaks of the ,three ,persons as she saw ,them--not as ,they are in ,themselves4 #i4 #b ,maccab4 ix4 #aj1 #ab3 ,eum nemo poterat propter intolerantiam foetoris portare1 4 4 4 4 nec ipse jam foetorem suum ferre posset4 #aj4 ,cassian1 ,collat4 vii4 cap4 iv4 p4 #caa3 ,nec enim si quis ignarus natandi1 sciens pondus corporis sui ferre aquarum liquorem non posse1 experimento su voluerit imperiti definire1 neminem penitus posse liquidis elementis solida carne circumdatum sustineri4 #aa4 ,anton4 a ,sancto ,joseph says that the ,saint meant to write four-and-twenty1 in allusion to ,apoc4 iv4 #d4 #ab4 ,apoc4 viii4 #d4 ,relation ,,vi4 ,the ,vow of ,obedience to ,father ,gratian ,which the ,saint ,made in #aege4 #a4 ,in the year #aege1 in the month of ,april1 when ,i was founding the monastery of ,veas1 ,fra ,jerome of the ,mother of ,god ,gratian happened to come thither4 #a ,i began to go to confession to him from time to time1 though not looking upon him as filling the place of the other confessors ,i had1 so as to be wholly directed by him4 ,one day1 when ,i was taking food1 but without any interior recollection whatever1 my soul began to be recollected in such a way that ,i thought ,i must fall into a trance2 and ,i had a vision1 that passed away with the usual swiftness1 like a meteor4 ,i seemed to see close beside me ,jesus ,christ our ,lord1 in the form wherein ,his ,majesty is wont to reveal ,himself1 with ,f4 ,gratian on ,his right4 ,our ,lord took his right hand and mine1 and1 joining them together1 said to me that ,he would have me accept him in ,his place for my whole life1 and that we were both to have one mind in all things1 for so it was fitting4 ,i was profoundly convinced that this was the work of ,god1 though ,i remembered with regret two of my confessors whom ,i frequented in turn for a long time1 and to whom ,i owed much2 that one for whom ,i have a great affection especially caused a terrible resistance4 ,nevertheless1 not being able to persuade myself that the vision was a delusion1 because it had a great power and influence over me1 and also because it was said to me on two other occasions that ,i was not to be afraid1 that ,he wished this1--the words were different1--,i made up my mind at last to act upon them1 understanding it to be our ,lord's will1 and to follow that counsel so long as ,i should live4 ,i had never before so acted with any one1 though ,i had consulted many persons of great learning and holiness1 and who watched over my soul with great care1--but neither had ,i received any such direction as that ,i should make no change2 for as to my confessors1 of some ,i understood that they would be profitable to me1 and so also of these4 #b4 ,when ,i had resolved on this1 ,i found myself in peace and comfort so great that ,i was amazed1 and assured of our ,lord's will2 for ,i do not think that ,satan could fill the soul with peace and comfort such as this3 and so1 whenever ,i think of it1 ,i praise our ,lord1 and remember the words1 posuit fines tuos pacem1 #b and ,i wish ,i could wear myself out in the praises of ,god4 #c4 ,it must have been about a month after this my resolve was made1 on the second day after ,pentecost1 when ,i was going to found the monastery in ,seville1 that we heard ,mass in a hermitage in ,ecija1 and rested there during the hottest part of the day4 ,those who were with me remained in the hermitage while ,i was by myself in the sacristy belonging to it4 ,i began to think of one great grace which ,i received of the ,holy ,ghost1 on one of the vigils of ,his feast1 #c and a great desire arose within me of doing ,him some most special service1 and ,i found nothing that was not already done1--at least1 resolved upon1--for all ,i do must be faulty2 and ,i remembered that1 though ,i had already made a vow of obedience1 it might be made in greater perfection1 and ,i had an impression it would be pleasing unto ,him if ,i promised that which ,i was already resolved upon1 to live under obedience to the ,father-,master1 ,fr4 ,jerome4 ,on the other hand1 ,i seemed to be doing nothing1 because ,i was already bent on doing it2 on the other hand1 it would be a very serious thing1 considering that our interior state is not made known to the superiors who receive our vows1 and that they change1 and that1 if one is not doing his work well1 another comes in his place2 and ,i believed ,i should have none of my liberty all my life long1 either outwardly or inwardly1 and this constrained me greatly to abstain from making the vow4 ,this repugnance of the will made me ashamed1 and ,i saw that1 now ,i had something ,i could do for ,god1 ,i was not doing it2 it was a sad thing for my resolution to serve ,him4 ,the fact is1 that the objection so pressed me1 that ,i do not think ,i ever did anything in my life that was so hard--not even my profession--unless it be that of my leaving my father's house to become a nun4 #d ,the reason of this was that ,i had forgotten my affection for him1 and his gifts for directing me2 yea1 rather1 ,i was looking on it then as a strange thing1 which has surprised me2 feeling nothing but a great fear whether the vow would be for the service of ,god or not3 and my natural self--which is fond of liberty--must have been doing its work1 though for years now ,i have no pleasure in it4 ,but it seemed to me a far other matter to give up that liberty by a vow1 as in truth it is4 ,after a protracted struggle1 our ,lord gave me great confidence2 and ,i saw it was the better course1 the more ,i felt about it3 if ,i made this promise in honour of the ,holy ,ghost1 ,he would be bound to give him light for the direction of my soul2 and ,i remembered at the same time that our ,lord had given him to me as my guide4 ,thereupon ,i fell upon my knees1 and1 to render this tribute of service to the ,holy ,ghost1 made a promise to do whatever he should bid me do while ,i lived1 provided nothing were required of me contrary to the law of ,god and the commands of superiors whom ,i am more bound to obey4 ,i adverted to this1 that the obligation did not extend to things of little importance1--as if ,i were to be importunate with him about anything1 and he bade me cease1 and ,i neglected his advice and repeated my request1--nor to things relating to my convenience4 ,in a word1 his commands were not to be about trifles1 done without reflection2 and ,i was not knowingly to conceal from him my faults and sins1 or my interior state2 and this1 too1 is more than we allow to superiors4 ,in a word1 ,i promised to regard him as in the place of ,god1 outwardly and inwardly4 ,i know not if it be so1 but ,i seemed to have done a great thing in honour of the ,holy ,ghost--at least1 it was all ,i could do1 and very little it was in comparison with what ,i owe ,him4 #d4 ,i give ,god thanks1 who has created one capable of this work3 ,i have the greatest confidence that ,his ,majesty will bestow on him great graces2 and ,i myself am so happy and joyous1 that ,i seem to be in every way free from myself2 and though ,i thought that my obedience would be a burden1 ,i have attained to the greatest freedom4 ,may our ,lord be praised for ever6 #a4 ,see ,foundations1 ch4 xxii4 #b4 ,psalm cxlvii4 #ad3 ,he hath made thy borders peace4 #c4 ,perhaps the ,saint refers to what she has written in her ,life1 ch4 xxxviii4 #aa1 #ab4 #d4 ,life1 ch4 iv4 #a4 ,relation ,,vii4 ,made for ,rodrigo ,alvarez1 ,s4,j41 in the ,year #aege1 ,according to ,don ,vicente de la ,fuente2 but in #aegf1 ,according to the ,bollandists and ,f4 ,bouix4 #a4 ,this nun took the habit forty years ago1 and from the first began to reflect on the mysteries of the ,passion of ,christ our ,lord1 and on her own sins1 for some time every day1 without thinking at all of anything supernatural1 but only of created things1 or of such subjects as suggested to her how soon the end of all things must come1 discerning in creatures the greatness of ,god and ,his love for us4 #b4 ,this made her much more willing to serve ,him3 she was never under the influence of fear1 and made no account of it1 but had always a great desire to see ,god honoured1 and ,his glory increased4 ,to that end were all her prayers directed1 without making any for herself2 for she thought that it mattered little if she had to suffer in purgatory in exchange for the increase of ,his glory even in the slightest degree4 #c4 ,in this she spent about two-and-twenty years in great aridities1 and never did it enter into her thoughts to desire anything else2 for she regarded herself as one who1 she thought1 did not deserve even to think about ,god1 except that ,his ,majesty was very merciful to her in allowing her to remain in ,his presence1 saying her prayers1 reading also in good books4 #d4 ,it must be about eighteen years since she began to arrange about the first monastery of ,barefooted ,carmelites which she founded4 ,it was in ,avila1 three or two years before1--,i believe it is three1--she began to think that she occasionally heard interior locutions1 and had visions and revelations interiorly4 ,she saw with the eyes of the soul1 for she never saw anything with her bodily eyes1 nor heard anything with her bodily ears2 twice1 she thinks1 she heard a voice1 but she understood not what was said4 ,it was a sort of making things present when she saw these things interiorly2 they passed away like a meteor most frequently4 ,the vision1 however1 remained so impressed on her mind1 and produced such effects1 that it was as if she saw those things with her bodily eyes1 and more4 #e4 ,she was then by nature so very timid1 that she would not dare to be alone even by day1 at times4 ,and as she could not escape from these visitations1 though she tried with all her might1 she went about in very great distress1 afraid that it was a delusion of ,satan1 and began to consult spiritual men of the ,society of ,jesus about it1 among whom were ,father ,araoz1 who was ,commissary of the ,society1 and who happened to go to that place1 and ,father ,francis1 who was ,duke of ,gandia1--him she consulted twice2 #a also a ,provincial1 now in ,rome1 called ,gil ,gonzalez1 and him also who is now ,provincial of ,castille1--this latter1 however1 not so often1--,father ,baltasar ,alvarez who is now ,rector in ,salamanca2 and he heard her confession for six years at this time2 also the present ,rector of ,cuenca1 ,salazar by name2 the ,rector of ,segovia1 called ,santander2 the ,rector of ,burgos1 whose name is ,ripalda1--and he thought very ill of her when he heard of these things1 till after he had conversed with her2 the ,doctor ,paul ,hernandez in ,toledo1 who was a ,consultor of the ,inquisition1 him who was ,rector in ,salamanca when she talked to him2 the ,doctor ,gutierrez1 and other fathers1 some of the ,society1 whom she knew to be spiritual men1 these she sought out1 if any were in those places where she went to found monasteries4 #f4 ,with the ,father ,fra ,peter of ,alcantara1 who was a holy man of the ,barefooted ,friars of ,st4 ,francis1 she had many communications1 and he it was who insisted so much upon it that her spirit should be regarded as good4 ,they were more than six years trying her spirit minutely1 as it is already described at very great length1 #b as will be shown hereafter3 and she herself in tears and deep affliction2 for the more they tried her1 the more she fell into raptures1 and into trances very often1--not1 however1 deprived of her senses4 #g4 ,many prayers were made1 and many ,masses were said1 that our ,lord would lead her by another way1 #c for her fear was very great when she was not in prayer2 though in everything relating to the state of her soul she was very much better1 and a great difference was visible1 there was no vainglory1 nor had she any temptation thereto1 nor to pride2 on the contrary1 she was very much ashamed and confounded when she saw that people knew of her state1 and except with her confessors or any one who would give her light1 she never spoke of these things1 and it was more painful to speak of them than if they had been grave sins2 for it seemed to her that people must laugh at her1 #d and that these things were womanish imaginations1 which she had always heard of with disgust4 #h4 ,about thirteen years ago1 more or less1 after the house of ,st4 ,joseph was founded1 into which she had gone from the other monastery1 came the present ,bishop of ,salamanca1 ,inquisitor1 ,i think1 of ,toledo1 previously of ,seville1 ,soto by name4 #e ,she contrived to have a conference with him for her greater security1 and told him everything4 ,he replied1 that there was nothing in all this that concerned his office1 because everything that she saw and heard confirmed her the more in the ,catholic faith1 in which she always was1 and is1 firm1 with most earnest desires for the honour of ,god and the good of souls1 willing to suffer death many times for one of them4 #i4 ,he told her1 when he saw how distressed she was1 to give an account of it all1 and of her whole life1 without omitting anything1 to the ,master ,avila1 who was a man of great learning in the way of prayer1 and to rest content with the answer he should give4 ,she did so1 and described her sins and her life4 ,he wrote to her and comforted her1 giving her great security4 ,the account ,i gave was such that all those learned men who saw it--they were my confessors--said that it was very profitable for instruction in spiritual things2 and they commanded her to make copies of it1 and write another little book #f for her daughters1--she was prioress1--wherein she might give them some instructions4 #aj4 ,notwithstanding all this1 she was not without fears at times1 for she thought that spiritual men also might be deceived like herself4 ,she told her confessor that he might discuss these things with certain learned men1 though they were not much given to prayer1 for she had no other desire but that of knowing whether what she experienced was in conformity with the sacred writings or not4 ,now and then she took comfort in thinking that--though she herself1 because of her sins1 deserved to fall into delusions--our ,lord would not suffer so many good men1 anxious to give her light1 to be led into error4 #aa4 ,having this in view1 she began to communicate with fathers of the ,order of the glorious ,st4 ,dominic1 to which1 before these things took place1 she had been to confession--she does not say to them1 but to the ,order4 #g ,these are they with whom she afterwards had relations4 ,the ,father ,fra ,vicente ,barron1 at that time ,consultor of the ,holy ,office1 heard her confessions for eighteen months in ,toledo1 and he had done so very many years before these things began4 ,he was a very learned man4 ,he reassured her greatly1 as did also the fathers of the ,society spoken of before4 ,all used to say1 ,if she does not sin against ,god1 and acknowledges her own misery1 what has she to be afraid of8 ,she confessed to the ,father ,fra ,pedro ,ibaez1 who was reader in ,avila2 to the ,father-,master ,fra ,dominic ,baes1 who is now in ,valladolid as rector of the college of ,st4 ,gregory1 ,i confessed for six years1 and whenever ,i had occasion to do so communicated with him by letter2 also to the ,master ,chaves2 to the ,father-,master ,fra ,bartholomew of ,medina1 professor in ,salamanca1 of whom she knew that he thought ill of her2 for she1 having heard this1 thought that he1 better than any other1 could tell her if she was deceived1 because he had so little confidence in her4 ,this was more than two years ago4 ,she contrived to go to confession to him1 and gave him a full account of everything while she remained there2 and he saw what she had written1 #h for the purpose of attaining to a better understanding of the matter4 ,he reassured her so much1 and more than all the rest1 and remained her very good friend4 #ab4 ,she went to confession also to ,fra ,philip de ,meneses1 when she founded the monastery of ,valladolid1 for he was rector of the college of ,st4 ,gregory4 ,he1 having before that heard of her state1 had gone to ,avila1 that he might speak to her1--it was an act of great charity1--being desirous of ascertaining whether she was deluded1 so that he might enlighten her1 and1 if she was not1 defend her when he heard her spoken against2 and he was much satisfied4 #ac4 ,she also conferred particularly with ,salinas1 ,dominican ,provincial1 a man of great spirituality2 with another licentiate named ,lunar1 who was prior of ,st4 ,thomas of ,avila2 and1 in ,segovia1 with a reader1 ,fra ,diego de ,yanges4 #ad4 ,of these ,dominicans some never failed to give themselves greatly to prayer1 and perhaps all did4 ,some others also she consulted2 for in so many years1 and because of the fear she was in1 she had opportunities of doing so1 especially as she went about founding monasteries in so many places4 ,her spirit was tried enough1 for everybody wished to be able to enlighten her1 and thereby reassured her and themselves4 ,she always1 at all times1 wished to submit herself to whatever they enjoined her1 and she was therefore distressed when1 as to these spiritual things1 she could not obey them4 ,both her own prayer1 and that of the nuns she has established1 are always carefully directed towards the propagation of the faith2 and it was for that purpose1 and for the good of her ,order1 that she began her first monastery4 #ae4 ,she used to say that1 if any of these things tended to lead her against the ,catholic faith and the law of ,god1 she would not need to seek for learned men nor tests1 because she would see at once that they came from ,satan4 ,she never undertook anything merely because it came to her in prayer2 on the contrary1 when her confessors bade her do the reverse1 she did so without being in the least troubled thereat1 and she always told them everything4 ,for all that they told her that these things came from ,god1 she never so thoroughly believed them that she could swear to it herself1 though it did seem to her that they were spiritually safe1 because of the effects thereof1 and of the great graces which she at times received2 but she always desired virtues more than anything else2 and this it is that she has charged her nuns to desire1 saying to them that the most humble and mortified will be the most spiritual4 #af4 ,all that is told and written she communicated to the ,father-,master ,fra ,dominic ,baes1 who is now in ,valladolid1 and who is the person with whom she has had1 and has still1 the most frequent communications4 ,he sent her writings to the ,holy ,office in ,madrid1 so it is said4 ,in all this she submits herself to the ,catholic faith and the ,roman ,church4 ,nobody has found fault with them1 because these things are not in the power of any man1 and our ,lord does not require what is impossible4 #ag4 ,the reason why so much is known about her is that1 as she was in fear about herself1 and described her state to so many1 these talked to one another on the subject and also the accident that happened to what she had written4 #i ,this has been to her a very grievous torment and cross1 and has cost her many tears4 ,she says that this distress is not the effect of humility1 but of the causes already mentioned4 ,our ,lord seems to have given permission #aj for this torture for if one spoke more harshly of her than others1 by little and little he spoke more kindly of her4 #ah4 ,she took the greatest pains not to submit the state of her soul to any one who she thought would believe that these things came from ,god1 for she was instantly afraid that the devil would deceive them both4 ,if she saw any one timid about these things1 to him she laid bare her secrets with the greater joy2 though also it gave her pain when1 for the purpose of trying her1 these things were treated with contempt1 for she thought some were really from ,god1 and she would not have people1 even if they had good cause1 condemn them so absolutely2 neither would she have them believe that all were from ,god2 and because she knew perfectly well that delusion was possible1 therefore it was that she never thought herself altogether safe in a matter wherein there might be danger4 #ai4 ,she used to strive with all her might never in any way to offend ,god1 and was always obedient2 and by these means she thought she might obtain her deliverance1 by the help of ,god1 even if ,satan were the cause4 #bj4 ,ever since she became subject to these supernatural visitations1 her spirit is always inclined to seek after that which is most perfect1 and she had almost always a great desire to suffer2 and in the persecutions she underwent1 and they were many1 she was comforted1 and had a particular affection for her persecutors4 ,she had a great desire to be poor and lonely1 and to depart out of this land of exile in order to see ,god4 ,through these effects1 and others like them1 she began to find peace1 thinking that a spirit which could leave her with these virtues could not be an evil one1 and they who had the charge of her soul said so2 but it was a peace that came from diminished weariness1 not from the cessation of fear4 #ba4 ,the spirit she is of never urged her to make any of these things known1 but to be always obedient4 #aa ,as it has been said already1 #ab she never saw anything with her bodily eyes1 but in a way so subtile and so intellectual that at first she sometimes thought that all was the effect of imagination2 at other times she could not think so4 ,these things were not continual1 but occurred for the most part when she was in some trouble3 as on one occasion1 when for some days she had to bear unendurable interior pains1 and a restlessness of soul arising out of the fear that she was deluded by ,satan1 as it is described at length in the account she has given of it1 #ac and where her sins1 for they have been so public1 are mentioned with the rest3 for the fear she was in made her forget her own good name4 #bb4 ,being thus in distress such as cannot be described1 at the mere hearing interiorly these words1 #ad ,it is ,i1 be not afraid1 her soul became so calm1 courageous1 and confident1 that she could not understand whence so great a blessing had come2 for her confessor had not been able--and many learned men1 with many words1 had not been able--to give her that peace and rest which this one word had given her4 ,and thus1 at other times1 some vision gave her strength1 for without that she could not have borne such great trials and contradictions1 together with infirmities without number1 and which she still has to bear1 though they are not so many1--for she is never free from some suffering or other1 more or less intense4 ,her ordinary state is constant pain1 with many other infirmities1 though since she became a nun they are more troublesome1 if she is doing anything in the service of our ,lord4 ,and the mercies ,he shows her pass quickly out of memory1 though she often dwells on those mercies1--but she is not able to dwell so long upon these as upon her sins2 these are always a torment to her1 most commonly as filth smelling foully4 #bc4 ,that her sins are so many1 and her service of ,god so scanty1 must be the reason why she is not tempted to vainglory4 ,there never was anything in any of these spiritual visitations that was not wholly pure and clean1 nor does she think it can be otherwise if the spirit be good and the visitations supernatural1 for she utterly neglects the body and never thinks of it1 being wholly intent upon ,god4 #bd4 ,she is also living in great fear about sinning against ,god1 and doing ,his will in all things2 this is her continual prayer4 ,and she is1 she thinks1 so determined never to swerve from this1 that there is nothing her confessors might enjoin her1 which she considers to be for the greater honour of our ,lord1 that she would not undertake and perform1 by the help of our ,lord4 ,and confident that ,his ,majesty helps those who have resolved to advance ,his service and glory1 she thinks no more of herself and of her own progress1 in comparison with that1 than if she did not exist1 so far as she knows herself1 and her confessors think so too4 #be4 ,all that is written in this paper is the simple truth1 and they1 and all others who have had anything to do with her for these twenty years1 can justify it4 ,most frequently her spirit urged her to praise ,god1 and she wished that all the world gave itself up to that1 even though it should cost her exceedingly4 ,hence the desire she has for the good of souls2 and from considering how vile are the things of this world1 and how precious are interior things1 with which nothing can be compared1 she has attained to a contempt of the world4 #bf4 ,as for the vision about which you1 my father1 wish to know something1 it is of this kind3 she sees nothing either outwardly or inwardly1 for the vision is not imaginary3 but1 without seeing anything1 she understands what it is1 and where it is1 more clearly than if she saw it1 only nothing in particular presents itself to her4 ,she is like a person who feels that another is close beside her2 but because she is in the dark she sees him not1 yet is certain that he is there present4 ,still1 this comparison is not exact2 for he who is in the dark1 in some way or other1 through hearing a noise or having seen that person before1 knows he is there1 or knew it before2 but here there is nothing of the kind1 for without a word1 inward or outward1 the soul clearly perceives who it is1 where he is1 and occasionally what he means4 #ae ,why1 or how1 she perceives it1 she knoweth not2 but so it is2 and while it lasts1 she cannot help being aware of it4 ,and when it is over1--though she may wish ever so much to retain the image thereof1--she cannot do it1 for it is then clear to her that it would be1 in that case1 an act of the imagination1 not the vision itself1--that is not in her power2 and so it is with the supernatural things4 ,and it is from this it comes to pass that he in whom ,god works these graces despises himself1 and becomes more humble than he was ever before1 for he sees that this is a gift of ,god1 and that he can neither add to it nor take from it4 ,the love and the desire become greater of serving our ,lord1 who is so mighty that ,he can do that which is more than our imagination can conceive here1 as there are things which men1 however learned they may be1 can never know4 ,blessed for ever and ever be ,he who bestows this6 ,amen4 #a4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxiv4 #d4 #b4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxv4 #ah4 #c4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxv4 #bj1 and ch4 xxvii4 #a4 #d4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxvi4 #e4 #e4 ,don ,francisco de ,soto y ,salazar was a native of ,bonilli de la ,sierra1 and ,vicar-,general of the ,bishops of ,astorga and ,avila1 and ,canon of ,avila2 ,inquisitor of ,cordova1 ,seville1 and ,toledo2 ,bishop1 successively1 of ,albarracin1 ,segorve1 and ,salamanca4 ,he died at ,merida1 in #aegf1 poisoned1 it was suspected1 by the sect of the ,illuminati1 who were alarmed at his faithful zeal and holy life 7,palafox1 note to letter #ai1 vol4 i4 ed4 ,doblado74 ,she went to the ,inquisitor1 ,don ,francisco ,soto de ,salazar--he was afterwards ,bishop of ,salamanca--and said to him3 ',my lord1 ,i am subject to certain extraordinary processes in prayer1 such as ecstasies1 raptures1 and revelations1 and do not wish to be deluded or deceived by ,satan1 or to do anything that is not absolutely safe4 ,i give myself up to the ,inquisition to try me1 and examine my ways of going on1 submitting myself to its orders4' ,the ,inquisitor replied3 ',seora1 the business of the ,inquisition is not to try the spirit1 nor to examine ways of prayer1 but to correct heretics4 ,do you1 then1 commit your experience to writing1 in all simplicity and truth1 and send it to the ,father-,master ,avila1 who is a man of great spirituality and learning1 and extremely conversant with matters of prayer2 and when you shall have his answer1 you may be sure there is nothing to be afraid of' 7,jerome ,gratian1 ,lucidario1 cap4 iii474 #f4 ,this book is the ,way of ,perfection1 written by direction of ,f4 ,baes4 #g4 ,the ,saint had such great affection for the ,order of ,st4 ,dominic1 that she used to say of herself1 ,yo soy la ,dominica in passione1 meaning thereby that she was in her heart a ,dominicaness1 and a child of the ,order 7,palafox1 note to letter #af1 vol4 i4 ed4 ,doblado74 #h4 ,when this father had read the ,life1 he had it copied1 with the assent of ,f4 ,gratian1 and gave the copy thus made to the ,duchess of ,alba 7,de la ,fuente74 #i4 ,see ,foundations1 ch4 xvii4 #ab1 note4 #aj4 ,life1 ch4 xxiii4 #ae4 #aa4 ,life1 ch4 xxvi4 #e4 #ab4 #d4 #ac4 ,life1 ch4 xxv4 #ai4 #ad4 ,life1 ch4 xxv4 #bb4 #ae4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxvii4 #e4 ,relation ,,viii4 ,addressed to ,f4 ,rodrigo ,alvarez4 #a4 ,these interior things of the spirit are so difficult to describe1 and1 still more1 in such a way as to be understood1--the more so as they pass quickly away1--that1 if obedience did not help me1 it would be a chance if ,i succeeded1 especially in such difficult things4 ,i implore you1 my father1 to take for granted that it is not in my mind to think this to be correct1 for it may well be that ,i do not understand the matter2 but what ,i can assure you of is this1 that ,i will speak of nothing ,i have not had experience of at times1 and1 indeed1 often4 #b4 ,i think it will please you1 my father1 if ,i begin by discussing that which is at the root of supernatural things2 for that which relates to devotion1 tenderness1 tears1 and meditations1 which is in our power here to acquire by the help of our ,lord1 is understood4 #c4 ,the first prayer of which ,i was conscious1--in my opinion1 supernatural1--so ,i call that which no skill or effort of ours1 however much we labour1 can attain to1 though we should prepare ourselves for it1 and that preparation must be of great service1--is a certain interior recollection #a of which the soul is sensible2 the soul seems to have other senses within itself then1 which bear some likeness to the exterior senses it possesses2 and thus the soul1 withdrawing into itself1 seeks to go away from the tumult of its outward senses1 and accordingly it drags them away with itself2 for it closes the eyes on purpose that it may neither see1 nor hear1 nor understand anything but that whereon the soul is then intent1 which is to be able to converse with ,god alone4 ,in this prayer there is no suspension of the faculties and powers of the soul2 it retains the full use of them2 but the use of them is retained that they may be occupied with ,god4 ,this will be easily understood by him whom our ,lord shall have raised to this state2 but by him whom ,he has not1 not2 at least1 such a one will have need of many words and illustrations4 #d4 ,out of this recollection grow a certain quietude and inward peace most full of comfort2 for the soul is in such a state that it does not seem to it that it wants anything2 for even speaking wearies it1--,i mean by this1 vocal prayer and meditation2 it would do nothing but love4 ,this lasts some time1 and even a long time4 #e4 ,out of this prayer comes usually what is called a sleep of the faculties2 but they are not so absorbed nor so suspended as that it can be called a trance2 nor is it altogether union4 #f4 ,sometimes1 and even often1 the soul is aware that the will alone is in union2 and this it sees very clearly1--that is1 it seems so to it4 ,the will is wholly intent upon ,god1 and the soul sees that it has no power to rest on1 or do1 anything else2 and at the same time the two other faculties are at liberty to attend to other matters of the service of ,god1--in a word1 ,martha and ,mary are together4 #b ,i asked ,father ,francis #c if this was a delusion1 for it made me stupid2 and his reply was1 that it often happened4 #g4 ,when all the faculties of the soul are in union1 it is a very different state of things2 for they can then do nothing whatever1 because the understanding is as it were surprised4 ,the will loves more than the understanding knows2 but the understanding does not know that the will loves1 nor what it is doing1 so as to be able in any way to speak of it4 ,as to the memory1 the soul1 ,i think1 has none then1 nor any power of thinking1 nor are the senses awake1 but rather as lost1 so that the soul may be the more occupied with the object of its fruition3 so it seems to me4 ,they are lost but for a brief interval2 it passes quickly away4 ,by the wealth of humility1 and other virtues and desires1 left in the soul after this may be learnt how great the blessing is that flows from this grace1 but it cannot be told what it is2 for1 though the soul applies itself to the understanding of it1 it can neither understand nor explain it4 ,this1 if it be real1 is1 in my opinion1 the greatest grace wrought by our ,lord on this spiritual road1--at least1 it is one of the greatest4 #h4 ,raptures and trance1 in my opinion1 are all one1 only ,i am in the habit of using the word trance instead of rapture1 because the latter word frightens people2 and1 indeed1 the union of which ,i am speaking may also be called a trance4 ,the difference between union and trance is this1 that the latter lasts longer and is more visible outwardly1 because the breathing gradually diminishes1 so that it becomes impossible to speak or to open the eyes2 and though this very thing occurs when the soul is in union1 there is more violence in a trance for the natural warmth vanishes1 ,i know not how1 when the rapture is deep2 and in all these kinds of prayer there is more or less of this4 ,when it is deep1 as ,i was saying1 the hands become cold1 and sometimes stiff and straight as pieces of wood2 as to the body1 if the rapture comes on when it is standing or kneeling1 it remains so2 #d and the soul is so full of the joy of that which our ,lord is setting before it1 that it seems to forget to animate the body1 and abandons it4 ,if the rapture lasts1 the nerves are made to feel it4 #i4 ,it seems to me that our ,lord will have the soul know more of that1 the fruition of which it has1 in a trance than in union1 and accordingly in a rapture the soul receives most commonly certain revelations of ,his ,majesty1 and the effects thereof on the soul are great1--a forgetfulness of self1 through the longing it has that ,god our ,lord1 who is so high1 may be known and praised4 ,in my opinion1 if the rapture be from ,god1 the soul cannot fail to obtain a deep conviction of its own helplessness1 and of its wretchedness and ingratitude1 in that it has not served ,him who1 of ,his own goodness only1 bestows upon it graces so great2 for the feeling and the sweetness are so high above all things that may be compared therewith that1 if the recollection of them did not pass away1 all the satisfactions of earth would be always loathsome to it2 and hence comes the contempt for all the things of the world4 #aj4 ,the difference between trance and transport #e is this1--in a trance the soul gradually dies to outward things1 losing the senses and living unto ,god4 ,a transport comes on by one sole act of ,his ,majesty1 wrought in the innermost part of the soul with such swiftness that it is as if the higher part thereof were carried away1 and the soul leaving the body4 ,accordingly it requires courage at first to throw itself into the arms of our ,lord1 that ,he may take it whithersoever ,he will2 for1 until ,his ,majesty establishes it in peace there whither ,he is pleased to take it--by take it ,i mean the admitting of it to the knowledge of deep things--it certainly requires in the beginning to be firmly resolved to die for ,him1 because the poor soul does not know what this means--that is1 at first4 ,the virtues1 as it seems to me1 remain stronger after this1 for there is a growth in detachment1 and the power of ,god1 who is so mighty1 is the more known1 so that the soul loves and fears ,him4 ,for so it is1 ,he carries away the soul1 no longer in our power1 as the true ,lord thereof1 which is filled with a deep sorrow for having offended ,him1 and astonishment that it ever dared to offend a ,majesty so great1 with an exceedingly earnest desire that none may henceforth offend ,him1 and that all may praise ,him4 ,this1 ,i think1 must be the source of those very fervent desires for the salvation of souls1 and for some share therein1 and for the due praising of ,god4 #aa4 ,the flight of the spirit--,i know not how to call it--is a rising upwards from the very depths of the soul4 ,i remember only this comparison1 and ,i made use of it before1 as you know1 my father1 in that writing where these and other ways of prayer are explained at length1 #f and such is my memory that ,i forget things at once4 ,it seems to me that soul and spirit are one and the same thing2 but only as a fire1 if it is great and ready for burning2 so1 like fire burning rapidly1 the soul1 in that preparation of itself which is the work of ,god1 sends up a flame1--the flame ascends on high1 but the fire thereof is the same as that below1 nor does the flame cease to be fire because it ascends3 so here1 in the soul1 something so subtile and so swift1 seems to issue from it1 that ascends to the higher part1 and goes thither whither our ,lord wills4 ,i cannot go further with the explanation2 it seems a flight1 and ,i know of nothing else wherewith to compare it3 ,i know that it cannot be mistaken1 for it is most evident when it occurs1 and that it cannot be hindered4 #ab4 ,this little bird of the spirit seems to have escaped out of this wretchedness of the flesh1 out of the prison of this body1 and now1 disentangled therefrom1 is able to be the more intent on that which our ,lord is giving it4 ,the flight of the spirit is something so fine1 of such inestimable worth1 as the soul perceives it1 that all delusion therein seems impossible1 or anything of the kind1 when it occurs4 ,it was afterwards that fear arose1 because she who received this grace was so wicked2 for she saw what good reasons she had to be afraid of everything1 though in her innermost soul there remained an assurance and a confidence wherein she was able to live1 but not enough to make her cease from the anxiety she was in not to be deceived4 #ac4 ,by impetus ,i mean that desire which at times rushes into the soul1 without being preceded by prayer1 and this is most frequently the case2 it is a sudden remembering that the soul is away from ,god1 or of a word it has heard to that effect4 ,this remembering is occasionally so strong and vehement that the soul in a moment becomes as if the reason were gone1 just like a person who suddenly hears most painful tidings of which he knew not before1 or is surprised2 such a one seems deprived of the power of collecting his thoughts for his own comfort1 and is as one lost4 ,so is it in this state1 except that the suffering arises from this1 that there abides in the soul a conviction that it would be well worth dying in it4 ,it seems that whatever the soul then perceives does but increase its suffering1 and that our ,lord will have its whole being find no comfort in anything1 nor remember that it is ,his will that it should live3 the soul seems to itself to be in great and indescribable loneliness1 and abandoned of all1 because the world1 and all that is in it1 gives it pain2 and because it finds no companionship in any created thing1 the soul seeks its ,creator alone1 and this it sees to be impossible unless it dies2 and as it must not kill itself1 it is dying to die1 and there is really a risk of death1 and it sees itself hanging between heaven and earth1 not knowing what to do with itself4 ,and from time to time ,god gives it a certain knowledge of ,himself1 that it may see what it loses1 in a way so strange that no explanation of it is possible2 and there is no pain in the world--at least ,i have felt none--that is equal or like unto this1 for if it lasts but half an hour the whole body is out of joint1 and the bones so racked1 that ,i am not able to write with my hands3 the pains ,i endure are most grievous4 #g #ad4 ,but nothing of all this is felt till the impetus shall have passed away4 ,he to whom it comes has enough to do in enduring that which is going on within him1 nor do ,i believe that he would feel if he were grievously tortured3 he is in possession of all his senses1 can speak1 and even observe2 walk about he cannot1--the great blow of that love throws him down to the ground4 ,if we were to die to have this1 it would be of no use1 for it cannot be except when ,god sends it4 ,it leaves great effects and blessings in the soul4 ,some learned men say that it is this1 others that it is that1 but no one condemns it4 ,the ,father-,master d',avila wrote to me and said it was good1 and so say all4 ,the soul clearly understands that it is a great grace from our ,lord2 were it to occur more frequently1 life would not last long4 #ae4 ,the ordinary impetus is1 that this desire of serving ,god comes on with a certain tenderness1 accompanied with tears1 out of a longing to depart from this land of exile2 but as the soul retains its freedom1 wherein it reflects that its living on is according to our ,lord's will1 it takes comfort in that thought1 and offers its life to ,him1 beseeching ,him that it may last only for ,his glory4 ,this done1 it bears all4 #af4 ,another prayer very common is a certain kind of wounding2 #h for it really seems to the soul as if an arrow were thrust through the heart1 or through itself4 ,thus it causes great suffering1 which makes the soul complain2 but the suffering is so sweet1 that it wishes it never would end4 ,the suffering is not one of sense1 neither is the wound physical2 it is in the interior of the soul1 without any appearance of bodily pain2 but as ,i cannot explain it except by comparing it with other pains1 ,i make use of these clumsy expressions1--for such they are when applied to this suffering4 ,i cannot1 however1 explain it in any other way4 ,it is1 therefore1 neither to be written of nor spoken of1 because it is impossible for any one to understand it who has not had experience of it1--,i mean1 how far the pain can go2 for the pains of the spirit are very different from those of earth4 ,i gather1 therefore1 from this1 that the souls in hell and purgatory suffer more than we can imagine1 by considering these pains of the body4 #ag4 ,at other times1 this wound of love seems to issue from the inmost depth of the soul2 great are the effects of it2 and when our ,lord does not inflict it1 there is no help for it1 whatever we may do to obtain it2 nor can it be avoided when it is ,his pleasure to inflict it4 ,the effects of it are those longings after ,god1 so quick and so fine that they cannot be described and when the soul sees itself hindered and kept back from entering1 as it desires1 on the fruition of ,god1 it conceives a great loathing for the body1 on which it looks as a thick wall which hinders it from that fruition which it then seems to have entered upon within itself1 and unhindered by the body4 ,it then comprehends the great evil that has befallen us through the sin of ,adam in robbing us of this liberty4 #i #ah4 ,this prayer ,i had before the raptures and the great impetuosities ,i have been speaking of4 ,i forgot to say that these great impetuosities scarcely ever leave me1 except through a trance or great sweetness in our ,lord1 whereby ,he comforts the soul1 and gives it courage to live on for ,his sake4 #ai4 ,all this that ,i speak of cannot be the effect of the imagination2 and ,i have some reasons for saying this1 but it would be wearisome to enter on them3 whether it be good or not is known to our ,lord4 ,the effects thereof1 and how it profits the soul1 pass all comprehension1 as it seems to me4 #bj4 ,i see clearly that the ,persons are distinct1 as ,i saw it yesterday when you1 my father1 were talking to the ,father ,provincial2 only ,i saw nothing1 and heard nothing1 as1 my father1 ,i have already told you4 ,but there is a strange certainty about it1 though the eyes of the soul see nothing2 and when the presence is withdrawn1 that withdrawal is felt4 ,how it is1 ,i know not2 but ,i do know very well that it is not an imagination1 because ,i cannot reproduce the vision when it is over1 even if ,i were to perish in the effort2 but ,i have tried to do so4 ,so is it with all that ,i have spoken of here1 so far as ,i can see2 for1 as ,i have been in this state for so many years1 ,i have been able to observe1 so that ,i can say so with this confidence4 ,the truth is1--and you1 my father1 should attend to this1--that1 as to the ,person who always speaks1 ,i can certainly say which of ,them ,he seems to me to be2 of the others ,i cannot say so much4 ,one of ,them ,i know well has never spoken4 ,i never knew why1 nor do ,i busy myself in asking more of ,god than ,he is pleased to give1 because in that case1 ,i believe1 ,i should be deluded by ,satan1 at once2 nor will ,i ask now1 because of the fear ,i am in4 #ba4 ,i think the ,first spoke to me at times2 but as ,i do not remember that very well now1 nor what it was that ,he spoke1 ,i will not venture to say so4 ,it is all written1--you1 my father1 know where1--and more at large than it is here2 ,i know not whether in the same words or not4 #aj ,though the ,persons are distinct in a strange way1 the soul knows ,one only ,god4 ,i do not remember that our ,lord ever seemed to speak to me but in ,his ,human ,nature2 and--,i say it again--,i can assure you that this is no imagination4 #bb4 ,what1 my father1 you say about the water1 ,i know not2 nor have ,i heard where the earthly paradise is4 ,i have already said that ,i cannot but listen to what our ,lord tells me2 ,i hear it because ,i cannot help myself2 but1 as for asking ,his ,majesty to reveal anything to me1 that is what ,i have never done4 ,in that case1 ,i should immediately think ,i was imagining things1 and that ,i must be in a delusion of ,satan4 ,god be praised1 ,i have never been curious about things1 and ,i do not care to know more than ,i do4 #aa ,what ,i have learnt1 without seeking to learn1 as ,i have just said1 has been a great trouble to me1 though it has been the means1 ,i believe1 which our ,lord made use of to save me1 seeing that ,i was so wicked2 good people do not need so much to make them serve ,his ,majesty4 #bc4 ,i remember another way of prayer which ,i had before the one ,i mentioned first1--namely1 a presence of ,god1 which is not a vision at all4 ,it seems that any one1 if he recommends himself to ,his ,majesty1 even if he only prays vocally1 finds ,him2 every one1 at all times1 can do this1 if we except seasons of aridity4 ,may ,he grant ,i may not by my own fault lose mercies so great1 and may ,he have compassion on me6 #a4 ,inner ,fortress1 iv4 ch4 iii4 #b4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xvii4 #e4 #c4 ,compare ,life1 ch4 xxiv4 #d4 #d4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xx4 #bc4 #e4 ,arrobamiento y arrebatamiento4 #f4 ,see ,life1 chs4 xx4 and xxi4 #g4 ,life1 ch4 xx4 #af2 ,inner ,fortress1 vi4 c4 xi4 #h4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxix4 #ag4 #i4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xvii4 #i4 #aj4 ,see ,relation1 iii4 #f4 #aa4 ,see ,st4 ,john of the ,cross1 ,ascent of ,mount ,carmel1 bk4 ii4 ch4 xxii4 ,relation ,,ix4 ,of ,certain ,spiritual ,graces ,she ,received in ,toledo and ,avila in the ,years #aegf and #aegg4 #a4 ,i had begun to go to confession to a certain person #a in the city wherein ,i am at present staying1 when he1 though he had much good will towards me1 and always has had since he took upon himself the charge of my soul1 ceased to come here2 and one night1 when ,i was in prayer1 and thinking how he failed me1 ,i understood that ,god kept him from coming because it was expedient for me to treat of the affairs of my soul with a certain person on the spot4 #b ,i was distressed because ,i had to form new relations--it might be he would not understand me1 and would disturb me--and because ,i had a great affection for him who did me this charity1 though ,i was always spiritually content when ,i saw or heard the latter preach2 also1 ,i thought it would not do because of his many occupations4 ,our ,lord said to me3 ,i will cause him to hear and understand thee4 ,make thyself known unto him2 it will be some relief to thee in thy troubles4 ,the latter part was addressed to me1 ,i think1 because ,i was then so worn out by the absence of ,god4 ,his ,majesty also said that ,he saw very well the trouble ,i was in2 but it could not be otherwise while ,i lived in this land of exile3 all was for my good2 and he comforted me greatly4 ,so it has been3 he comforts me1 and seeks opportunities to do so2 he has understood me1 and given me great relief2 he is a most learned and holy man4 #b4 ,one day1--it was the ,feast of the ,presentation1--,i was praying earnestly to ,god for a certain person1 and thinking that after all the possession of property and of freedom was unfitting for that high sanctity which ,i wished him to attain to2 ,i reflected on his weak health1 and on the spiritual health which he communicated to souls2 and ,i heard these words3 ,he serves ,me greatly2 but the great thing is to follow ,me stripped of everything1 as ,i was on the cross4 ,tell him to trust in ,me4 ,these last words were said because ,i thought he could not1 with his weak health1 attain to such perfection4 #c4 ,once1 when ,i was thinking of the pain it was to me to eat meat and do no penance1 ,i understood that there was at times more of self-love in that feeling than of a desire for penance4 #d4 ,once1 when ,i was in great distress because of my offences against ,god1 ,he said to me3 ,all thy sins in ,my sight are as if they were not4 ,for the future1 be strong2 for thy troubles are not over4 #e4 ,one day1 in prayer1 ,i felt my soul in ,god in such a way that it seemed to me as if the world did not exist1 ,i was so absorbed in ,him4 ,he made me then understand that verse of the ,magnificat1 ,et exultavit spiritus meus1 so that ,i can never forget it4 #f4 ,once1 when ,i was thinking how people sought to destroy this monastery of the ,barefooted ,carmelites1 and that they purposed1 perhaps1 to bring about the destruction of them all by degrees1 ,i heard3 ,they do purpose it2 nevertheless1 they will never see it done1 but very much the reverse4 #g4 ,once1 in deep recollection1 ,i was praying to ,god for ,eliseus2 #c ,i heard this3 ,he is ,my true son2 ,i will never fail him1 or to that effect2 but ,i am not sure of the latter words4 #h4 ,having one day conversed with a person who had given up much for ,god1 and calling to mind that ,i had given up nothing for ,him1 and had never served ,him in anything1 as ,i was bound to do1 and then considering the many graces ,he had wrought in my soul1 ,i began to be exceedingly weary2 and our ,lord said to me3 ,thou knowest of the betrothal between thee and ,myself1 and therefore all ,i have is thine2 and so ,i give thee all the labours and sorrows ,i endured1 and thou canst therefore ask of ,my ,father as if they were thine4 ,though ,i have heard that we are partakers therein1 #d now it was in a way so different that it seemed as if ,i had become possessed of a great principality2 for the affection with which ,he wrought this grace cannot be described4 ,the ,father seemed to ratify the gift2 and from that time forth ,i look at our ,lord's ,passion in a very different light1 as on something that belongs to me2 and that gives me great comfort4 #e #i4 ,on the ,feast of the ,magdalene1 when thinking of the great love ,i am bound to have for our ,lord1 according to the words ,he spoke to1 me in reference to this ,saint1 and having great desires to imitate her1 our ,lord was very gracious unto me1 and said1 ,i was to be henceforward strong2 for ,i had to serve ,him more than ,i had hitherto done4 #f ,he filled me with a desire not to die so soon1 that ,i might have the time to occupy myself therein2 and ,i remained with a great resolution to suffer4 #aj4 ,on one occasion1 ,i understood how our ,lord was in all things1 and how ,he was in the soul2 and the illustration of a sponge filled with water was suggested to me4 #aa4 ,when my brothers came1--and ,i owe so much to one of them1 #g--;,i remained in conversation with him concerning his soul and his affairs1 which wearied and distressed me2 and as ,i was offering this up to our ,lord1 and thinking that ,i did it all because ,i was under obligations to him1 ,i remembered that by our ,constitutions #h we are commanded to separate ourselves from our kindred1 and ,i was set thinking whether ,i was under any obligation1 our ,lord said to me3 ,no1 ,my daughter2 the regulations of the ,order must be only in conformity with ,my law4 ,the truth is1 that the end of the ,constitutions is1 that we are not to be attached to our kindred2 and to converse with them1 as it seems to me1 is rather wearisome1 and it is painful to have anything to do with them4 #ab4 ,after ,communion1 on ,st4 ,augustine's ,day1 ,i understood1 and1 as it were1 saw1--,i cannot tell how1 unless it was by an intellectual vision which passed rapidly away1--how the ,three ,persons of the most ,holy ,trinity1 whom ,i have always imprinted in my soul1 are ,one4 ,this was revealed in a representation so strange1 and in a light so clear1 that the impression made upon me was very different from that which ,i have by faith4 ,from that time forth ,i have never been able to think of ,one of the ,three ,divine ,persons without thinking of the ,three2 so that to-day1 when ,i was considering how1 the ,three being ,one1 the ,son alone took our flesh upon ,him1 our ,lord showed me how1 though ,they are ,one1 ,they are also distinct4 ,these are marvels which make the soul desire anew to be rid of the hindrances which the body interposes between it and the fruition of them4 ,though this passes away in a moment1 there remains a gain to the soul incomparably greater than any it might have made by meditation during many years2 and all without knowing how it happens4 #ac4 ,i have a special joy on the ,feast of our ,lady's ,nativity4 ,when this day was come1 ,i thought it would be well to renew our vows2 and thereupon ,i saw our ,lady1 by an illuminative vision2 and it seemed as if we made them before her and that they were pleasing unto her4 ,i had this vision constantly for some days1 and our ,lady was by me on my left hand4 ,one day1 after ,communion1 it seemed to me that my soul was really one with the most ,holy ,body of our ,lord1 then present before me2 and that wrought a great work and blessing in me4 #ad4 ,i was once thinking whether ,i was to be sent to reform a certain monastery2 #i and1 distressed at it1 ,i heard3 ,what art thou afraid of8 ,what canst thou lose8--only thy life1 which thou hast so often offered to ,me4 ,i will help thee4 ,this was in prayer1 which was of such a nature as to ease my soul exceedingly4 #ae4 ,once1 having a desire to render some service to our ,lord1 ,i considered that ,i could serve ,him but poorly1 and said to myself3 ,why1 ,o ,lord1 dost ,thou desire my works8 ,and ,he answered3 ,to see thy good will1 ,my child4 #af4 ,once our ,lord gave me light in a matter that ,i was very glad to understand1 and ,i immediately forgot it1 so that ,i was never able to call it again to mind2 and so1 when ,i was trying to remember it1 ,i heard3 ,thou knowest now that ,i speak to thee from time to time4 ,do not omit to write down what ,i say2 for1 though it may not profit thee1 it may be that it will profit others4 ,as ,i was thinking whether ,i1 for my sins1 had to be of use to others1 and be lost myself1 ,he said to me3 ,have no fear4 #ag4 ,i was once recollected in that companionship which ,i ever have in my soul1 and it seemed to me that ,god was present therein in such a way that ,i remembered how ,st4 ,peter said3 ,thou art ,christ1 the ,son of the living ,god2 #aj for the living ,god was in my soul4 ,this is not like other visions1 for it overpowers faith2 so that it is impossible to doubt of the indwelling of the ,trinity in our souls1 by presence1 power1 and essence4 ,to know this truth is of the very highest gain2 and as ,i stood amazed to see ,his ,majesty in a thing so vile as my soul1 ,i heard3 ,it is not vile1 ,my child1 for it is made in ,my image4 #aa ,i also learnt something of the reason why ,god delights in souls more than in any other creatures3 it is so subtile that1 though the understanding quickly comprehended it1 ,i cannot tell it4 #ah4 ,when ,i was in such distress1 because of the troubles of our father1 #ab that ,i had no rest1 and after ,communion one day was making most earnestly my petition to our ,lord that1 as ,he had given him to me1 ,i might not lose him1 ,he said to me3 ,have no fear4 #ai4 ,once1 with that presence of the ,three ,persons which ,i have in my soul1 ,i was in light so clear that no doubt of the presence of the true and living ,god was possible2 and ,i then came to the knowledge of things which afterwards ,i could not speak of4 ,one of these things was1 how the person of the ,son only took human flesh4 ,i cannot1 as ,i have just said1 explain it at all2 for some of these things were wrought in the secret recesses of the soul1 and the understanding seems to grasp them only as one who is in his sleep1 or half awake1 thinks he comprehends what is told him4 ,i was thinking how hard it was to remain alive1 seeing that it was living on that robbed us of that marvellous companionship2 and so ,i said to myself3 ,o ,lord1 show me some way whereby ,i may bear this life6 ,he said unto me3 ,think1 my child1 when life is over1 thou canst not serve ,me as thou art serving ,me now1 and eat for ,me1 and sleep for ,me4 ,whatsoever thou doest1 let it be done for ,me as if thou wert no longer living1 but ,i2 for that is what ,st4 ,paul said4 #ac #bj4 ,once1 after ,communion1 ,i saw how ,his ,father within our soul accepts the most ,holy ,body of ,christ4 ,i have understood and seen how the ,divine ,persons are there1 and how pleasing is this offering of ,his ,son1 because ,he has ,his joy and delight in ,him1 so to speak1 here on earth2 for it is not the ,humanity only that is with us in our1 souls1 but the ,divinity as well1 and thus is it so pleasing and acceptable unto ,him1 and gives us graces so great4 ,i understood also that ,he accepts the sacrifice1 though the priest be in sin2 but then the grace of it is not communicated to his soul as it is to their souls who are in a state of grace3 not that the inflowings of grace1 which proceed from this ,communion wherein the ,father accepts the sacrifice1 cease to flow in their strength1 but because of his fault who has to receive them2 as it is not the fault of the sun that it does not illumine a lump of pitch1 when its rays strike it as it illumines a globe of crystal4 ,if ,i could now describe it1 ,i should be better understood2 it is a great matter to know this1 because there are grand secrets within us when we are at ,communion4 ,it is sad that these bodies of ours do not allow us to have the fruition thereof4 #ba4 ,during the ,octave of ,all ,saints1 #ad ,i had two or three days of exceeding anguish1 the result of my remembrance of my great sins1 and ,i was also in great dread of persecutions1 which had no foundation except that great accusations were brought against me1 and all my resolutions to suffer anything for ,god failed me3 though ,i sought to encourage myself1 and made corresponding acts1 and saw that all would be a great pain for me1 it was to little purpose1 for the fear never left me4 ,it was a sharp warfare4 ,i came across a letter1 in which my good father #ae had written that ,st4 ,paul said that our ,god does not suffer us to be tempted beyond our power to bear4 #af ,this was a very great relief to me1 but was not enough2 yea1 rather1 on the next day ,i was in great distress at his absence1 for ,i had no one to go to in this trouble1 for ,i seemed to be living in great loneliness4 ,and it added to my grief to see that ,i now find no one but he who can comfort me1 and he must be more than ever away1 which is a very sore trouble4 #bb4 ,the next night after this1 reading in a book1 ,i found another saying of ,st4 ,paul1 with which ,i began to be comforted2 and being slightly recollected1 ,i remained thinking how ,i had our ,lord before present within me1 so that ,i truly saw ,him to be the living ,god4 ,while thinking on this ,he spoke to me1 and ,i saw ,him in my inmost being1 as it were beside my heart1 in an intellectual vision2 ,his words were3 ,i am here1 only ,i will have thee see how little thou canst do without ,me4 ,i was on the instant reassured1 and my fears left me2 and while at ,matins that very night our ,lord ,himself1 in an intellectual vision so clear as to seem almost imaginary1 laid ,himself in my arms1 as ,he is painted in the pictures of our ,lady of ,anguish4 #ag ,the vision made me very much afraid1 for it was so clear1 and so close to me1 that it made me think whether it was an illusion or not4 ,he said to me1 ,be not afraid of it1 for the union of ,my ,father with thy soul is incomparably closer than this4 ,the vision has remained with me till now4 ,what ,i have said of our ,lord continued more than a month3 now it has left me4 #bc4 ,i was one night in great distress1 because it was then a long time since ,i had heard anything of my father2 #ah and1 moreover1 he was not well the last time he wrote to me4 ,however1 my distress was not so great as that ,i felt before1 for ,i had hopes1 and distress like that ,i never was in since2 but still my anxiety hindered my prayer4 ,he appeared to me on the instant2 it could not have been the effect of imagination1 for ,i saw a light within me1 and himself coming by the way joyous1 with a face all fair4 ,it must have been the light ,i saw that made his face fair1 for all the saints in heaven seem so2 and ,i considered whether it be the light and splendour proceeding from our ,lord that render them thus fair4 ,i heard this3 ,tell him to begin at once without fear1 for the victory is his4 #bd4 ,one day1 after he came1 when ,i was at night giving thanks to our ,lord for the many mercies ,he had given unto me1 ,he said to me3 ,o my child1 what canst thou ask that ,i have not done8 #be4 ,our ,lord said to me one day1 in the monastery of ,veas1 that ,i was to present my petition to ,him1 for ,i was ,his bride4 ,he promised to grant whatever ,i might ask of ,him1 and1 as a pledge1 gave me a very beautiful ring1 with a stone set in it like an amethyst1 but of a brilliancy very unlike1 which ,he put on my finger4 ,i write this to my own confusion1 considering the goodness of ,god1 and my wretched life2 for ,i have deserved hell4 ,ah6 my daughters1 pray to ,god for me1 and be devout to ,st4 ,joseph1 who can do much4 ,this folly ,i write 4 4 4 folly ,i write4 4 4 4 #bf4 ,on the eve of ,st4 ,laurence1 at ,communion1 ,i was so distracted and dissipated in mind1 that ,i had no power over it1 and began to envy those who dwell in desert places2 thinking that1 as they see and hear nothing1 they are exempt from distractions4 ,i heard this3 ,thou art greatly deceived1 ,my daughter2 on the contrary1 the temptations of ,satan are more violent there4 ,have patience while life lasts1 it cannot be helped4 ,while dwelling on this1 ,i became suddenly recollected1 and ,i saw a great light within me1 so that ,i thought ,i was in another world1 and my spirit found itself interiorly in a forest and in a garden of delights1 which made me remember those words of the ,canticle3 #ai ,veniat dilectus meus in hortum suum4 ,i saw my ,eliseus #bj there1 not at all swarthy1 but in strange beauty3 around his head was a garland of precious stones2 a multitude of damsels went before him with palms in their hands1 all singing hymns of praise unto ,god4 ,i did nothing but open my eyes1 to see whether ,i could not distract myself from the vision1 but that failed to divert my attention2 and ,i thought there was music also1--the singing of birds and of angels1--which filled my soul with joy1 though ,i did not hear any4 ,my soul was in joy1 and did not consider that there was nobody else there4 ,i heard these words3 ,he has merited to be among you1 and all this rejoicing which thou beholdest will take place on the day he shall set aside for the honour of ,my ,mother2 #ba and do thou make haste1 if thou wouldst reach the place where he is4 ,this vision lasted more than an hour and a half4 ,in this respect--differently from my other visions--,i could not turn away from it1 and it filled me with delight4 ,the effect of the vision was a great affection for ,eliseus1 and a more frequent thinking of him in that beauty4 ,i have had a fear of its being a temptation1 for work of the imagination it could not possibly be4 #bb #bg4 ,the day after the presentation of the ,brief1 #bc as ,i was in the most eager expectation1 which utterly disturbed me1 so that ,i could not even pray1--for ,i had been told that our father was in great straits because they would not let him come away1 and that there was a great tumult1--,i heard these words3 ,o woman of little faith1 be quiet2 everything is going on perfectly well4 ,it was the ,feast of the ,presentation of our ,lady1 in the year #aege4 ,i resolved within myself1 if our ,lady obtained from her ,son that we might see ourselves and our father free of these friars1 to ask him to order the solemn celebration of that feast every year in our monasteries of the ,barefooted ,carmelites4 ,when ,i made this resolution1 ,i did not remember what ,i had heard in a former vision1 that he would establish this solemnity4 ,now1 in reading again this little paper1 ,i think this must be the feast referred to4 #bd #a4 ,f4 ,yepes1 then prior of ,st4 ,jerome's1 ,toledo 7,de la ,fuente74 #b4 ,don ,alonzo ,velasquez1 canon of ,toledo1 to whom ,relation xi4 is addressed4 ,the ,saint speaks of this in a letter to ,fra ,gratian in #aegf4 ,the letter is numbered #hb in the edition of ,don ,vicente1 and #bc in the fourth volume of the edition of ,doblado4 #c4 ,fra ,jerome ,gratian 7,de la ,fuente74 #d4 #a ,st4 ,peter iv4 #ac3 ,communicantes ,christi passionibus1 gaudete4 #e4 ,this took place in #aege1 when she was going to found her monastery in ,seville 7,ribera1 l4 iv4 c4 v4 n4 #aaj74 #f4 ,see #d1 above4 #g4 ,this was in #aege1 when the ,saint was founding the monastery of ,seville2 and the brother was ,don ,lorenzo1 returned from the ,indies1 and who now placed himself under the direction of his sister 7,de la ,fuente74 #h4 ,in the ,chapter ,de la ,clausura1 #af3 ,de tratar con deudos se desvien lo mas que pudieren4 #i4 ,the monastery of ,paterna1 of the unreformed ,carmelites4 ,this was in #aegf 7,de la ,fuente74 #aj4 ,st4 ,matt4 xvi4 #af3 ,tu es ,christus1 ,filius ,dei vivi4 #aa4 ,gen4 i4 #bf3 ,ad imaginem et similitudinem ,nostram4 #ab4 ,fra ,jerome ,gratian4 ,this took place during the persecution that fell on the reformed ,carmelites at the end of the year #aege1 and during the following year4 ,see the last paragraph of this ,relation 7,de la ,fuente2 see1 also1 ,relation vi4 #a74 #ac4 ,galat4 ii4 #bj3 ,vivo autem1 jam non ego3 vivit vero in me ,christus4 #ad4 ,a4,d4 #aegg 7,de la ,fuente74 #ae4 ,jerome ,gratian 7id474 #af4 #a ,cor4 x4 #ac3 ,fidelis autem ,deus est qui non patietur vos tentari supra id quod potestis4 #ag4 ,don ,vicente says1 that here is a proof--if any were wanting--that the ,saint wrote this after her sojourn in ,seville2 because in ,avila and in ,castile and ,aragon the expression is1 our ,lady of ,dolors2 while in ,andalucia it is our ,lady of ,anguish--,nuestra ,seora de las ,angustias4 #ah4 ,fra ,jerome ,gratian4 #ai4 ,cant4 v4 #a4 #bj4 ,this was the name given to ,fra ,jerome ,gratian1 when the ,saint was driven1 by the persecution raised against her1 to distinguish her friends by other designations than those by which they were usually known3 this fragment cannot have been written before the year #aegh 7,de la ,fuente74 #ba4 ,see the last section4 #bb4 ,don ,vicente published #be and #bf as fragments separately 7vol4 i4 pp4 #ebd-ebf72 but1 as they seem to form a part of the series of events spoken of in this ,relation1 they have been placed here4 #bc4 ,fra ,jerome ,gratian exhibited the brief which made him ,visitor-,apostolic to the unreformed ,carmelites1 who were very angry thereat1 and rude in their vexation4 #bd4 ,see #bf4 ,relation ,x4 ,of a ,revelation to the ,saint at ,avila1 #aegi1 and of ,certain ,directions ,concerning the ,government of the ,order4 ,in ,st4 ,joseph of ,avila1 on ,pentecost eve1 in the hermitage of ,nazareth1 thinking of one of the greatest graces our ,lord had given me on that day some twenty years before1 #a more or less1 my spirit was vehemently stirred and grew hot within me1 #b and ,i fell into a trance4 ,in that profound recollection ,i heard our ,lord say what ,i am now going to tell3 ,i was to say to the ,barefooted ,fathers1 as from ,him1 that they must strive to observe four things2 and that so long as they observed them1 the ,order would increase more and more2 and if they neglected them1 they should know that they were falling away from their first estate4 ,the first is1 the superiors of the monasteries are to be of one mind4 ,the second1 even if they have many monasteries1 to have but few friars in each4 ,the third1 to converse little with people in the world1 and that only for the good of their souls4 ,the fourth1 to teach more by works than by words4 ,this happened in the year #aegi2 and because it is a great truth1 ,i have put my name to it4 ,teresa de ,jess4 #a4 ,see ,life1 ch4 xxxviii4 #aa4 #b4 ,psalm xxxviii4 #c3 ,concaluit cor meum intra me4 ,relation ,,xi4 ,written from ,palencia in ,may #aeha1 and ,addressed to ,don ,alonzo ,velasquez1 ,bishop of ,osma1 ,who ,had ,been1 ,when ,canon of ,toledo1 ,one of the ,saint's ,confessors4 #a ,jesus4 #a4 ,oh1 that ,i could clearly explain to your ,lordship the peace and quiet my soul has found6 for it has so great a certainty of the fruition of ,god1 that it seems to be as if already in possession1 #b though the joy is withheld4 ,i am as one to whom another has granted by deed a large revenue1 into the enjoyment and use of which he is to come at a certain time1 but until then has nothing but the right already given him to the revenue4 ,in gratitude for this1 my soul would abstain from the joy of it1 because it has not deserved it2 it wishes only to serve ,him1 even if in great suffering1 and at times it thinks it would be very little if1 till the end of the world1 it had to serve ,him who has given it this right2 for1 in truth1 it is in some measure no longer subject1 as before1 to the miseries of this world2 though it suffers more1 it seems as if only the habit were struck1 for my soul is1 as it were1 in a fortress with authority1 and accordingly does not lose its peace4 ,still1 this confidence does not remove from it its great fear of offending ,god1 nor make it less careful to put away every hindrance to ,his service1 yea1 rather1 it is more careful than before4 ,but it is so forgetful of its own interests as to seem1 in some measure1 to have lost itself1 so forgetful of self is it in this4 ,everything is directed to the honour of ,god1 to the doing of ,his will more and more1 and the advancement of ,his glory4 #b4 ,though this be so1 yet1 in all that relates to health and the care of the body1 it seems to me that ,i am more careful than ,i was1 that ,i mortify myself less in my food1 and do fewer penances3 it is not so with the desires ,i had2 they seem to be greater4 ,all this is done that ,i may be the better able to serve ,god in other things1 for ,i offer to ,him very often1 as a great sacrifice1 the care ,i take of my body1 and that wearies me much1 and ,i try it sometimes in acts of mortification2 but1 after all1 this cannot be done without losing health1 and ,i must not neglect what my superiors command4 ,herein1 and in the wish for health1 much self-love also must insinuate itself2 but1 as it seems to me1 ,i feel that it would give me more pleasure1 and it gave me more pleasure when ,i was strong1 to do penance1 for1 at least1 ,i seemed to be doing something1 and was giving a good example1 and ,i was free from the vexation which arises out of the fact that ,i am not serving ,god at all4 ,your ,lordship will see what it will be best to do in the matter4 #c4 ,the imaginary visions have ceased1 but the intellectual vision of the ,three ,persons and of the ,sacred ,humanity seems ever present1 and that1 ,i believe1 is a vision of a much higher kind2 and ,i understand now1 so ,i think1 that the visions ,i had came from ,god1 because they prepared my soul for its present state2 they were given only because ,i was so wretched and so weak3 ,god led me by the way which ,he saw was necessary2 but they are1 in my opinion1 of great worth when they come from ,god4 #d4 ,the interior locutions have not left me1 for1 whenever it is necessary1 our ,lord gives me certain directions2 and now1 in ,palencia1 were it not for these1 there would have been committed a great blunder1 though not a sin4 #c #e4 ,the acts and desires do not seem to be so vigorous as they used to be1 for1 though they are great1 ,i have one much greater to see the will of ,god accomplished and ,his glory increased2 for as the soul is well aware that ,his ,majesty knoweth what is expedient herein1 and is so far removed from all self-seeking1 these acts and desires quickly end1 and1 as it seems to me1 have no strength4 ,hence the fear ,i have at times though without disquietude and pain as formerly1 that my soul is dulled1 and that ,i am doing nothing1 because ,i can do no penance2 acts of desire for suffering1 for martyrdom1 and of the vision of ,god1 have no strength in them1 and1 most frequently1 ,i cannot make them4 ,i seem to live only for eating and drinking1 and avoiding pain in everything2 and yet this gives me none1 except that sometimes1 as ,i said before1 ,i am afraid that this is a delusion2 but ,i cannot believe it1 because so far as ,i can see1 ,i am not under the sway of any strong attachment to any created thing1 not even to all the bliss of heaven1 but only to the love of ,god2 and this does not grow less1--on the contrary1 ,i believe it is growing1 together with the longing that all men may serve ,him4 #f4 ,but1 for all this1 one thing amazes me3 ,i have not the feelings ,i had formerly1 so strong and so interior1 which tormented me when ,i saw souls go to their ruin1 and when ,i used to think ,i had offended ,god4 ,i cannot have these feelings now1 though ,i believe my desire that ,god be not sinned against is not less than it was4 #g4 ,your ,lordship must consider that in all this1 in my present as well as in my previous state1 ,i can do no more1 and that it is not in my power to serve ,him better3 ,i might do so1 if ,i were not so wicked4 ,i may say1 also1 that if ,i were now to make great efforts to wish to die1 ,i could not1 nor can ,i make the acts ,i used to make1 nor feel the pains ,i felt for having offended ,god1 nor the great fears ,i had for so many years when ,i thought ,i was under a delusion3 and accordingly1 ,i have no need of learned men1 or of speaking to anybody at all1 only to satisfy myself that ,i am going the right road now1 and whether ,i can do anything4 ,i have consulted certain persons on this point1 with whom ,i had taken counsel on the others1 with ,fra ,dominic i4e41 ,baes1 the ,master ,medina1 and certain members of the ,society4 ,i will be satisfied with the answer which you1 my ,lord1 may give me1 because of the great trust ,i have in your ,lordship4 ,consider it carefully1 for the love of ,god6 ,neither do ,i cease to learn that certain souls of people connected with me when they died are in heaven3 of others ,i learn nothing4 ,oh1 in what solitude ,i find myself when ,i consider that the comparison of which ,i spoke to you1 concerning the return from ,egypt1 does not apply to the child at my mother's breast4 #d #h4 ,i am at peace within2 and my likings and dislikings have so little power to take from me the ,presence of the ,three ,persons1 of which1 while it continues1 it is so impossible to doubt1 that ,i seem clearly to know by experience what is recorded by ,st4 ,john1 that ,god will make ,his dwelling in the soul3 #e and not only by grace1 but because ,he will have the soul feel that presence1 and it brings with it so many blessings1 particularly this1 that there is no need to run after reflections to learn that ,god is there4 ,this is almost always the state ,i am in1 except when my great infirmities oppress me4 ,sometimes1 ,god will have me suffer without any inward comfort2 but my will never swerves--not even in its first movements--from the will of ,god4 ,this resignation to ,his will is so efficacious1 that ,i desire neither life nor death1 except for some moments1 when ,i long to see ,god2 and then the ,presence of the ,three ,persons becomes so distinct as to relieve the pain of the absence1 and ,i wish to live--if such be ,his good pleasure--to serve ,him still longer4 ,and if ,i might help1 by my prayers1 to make but one soul love ,him more1 and praise ,him1 and that only for a short time1 ,i think that of more importance than to dwell in glory4 ,the unworthy servant and daughter of your ,lordship1 ,teresa de ,jess4 #a4 ,this ,relation is usually printed among the letters of the ,saint1 and ,don ,vicente did not change the practice1 assigning as his reason the ,saint's reference in #d to certain transactions in which she was engaged4 ,the letter is the #cccrd 7#ccfth in the second edition71 and the #dth of vol4 ii41 ed4 ,doblado1 and is probably the latest account of the state of her soul1 for she died on ,october #d in the following year4 #b4 ,see ,inner ,fortress1 vii4 ch4 ii4 #c4 ,this relates to the taking of the hermitage of our ,lady de la ,calle1 in ,palencia 7,de la ,fuente74 ,see ,foundations1 ch4 xxix4 #d4 ,la soledad que me hace pensar no se puede dar aquel sentido el que mama los pechos de mi madre1 la ida de ,egito6 ,this passage1 ,don ,vicente observes1 was omitted in all editions prior to his2 he does not know what it means2 and the translator can give no corresponding ,english words4 ,transcriber's note3 ,the ,spanish quoted here was printed in the body of the text1 p4 #dgi2 ,english rendition supplied from ,corrigenda1 p4 viii4 #e4 ,st4 ,john xiv4 #bc3 ,mansionem apud eum faciemus4 ,index4 ,abecedario1 ,tercer1 iv4 #h4 ,agony in raptures1 xx4 #ae4 ,ahumada1 de1 ,antonio1 iv4 #a4 ,ahumada1 de1 ,doa ,beatriz1 mother of ,st4 ,teresa1 death of1 i4 #g2 seen in heaven by the ,saint1 xxxviii4 #a4 ,ahumada1 de1 ,juana1 sister of the ,saint1 xxxiii4 #ac4 ,alcala1 monastery founded in1 xxxvi4 #bi1 note4 ,alcantara4 ,see ,st4 ,peter of ,alcantara4 ,almsgiving of the ,saint1 i4 #f1 ,rel4 ii4 #c4 ,alvarez1 ,f4 ,baltasar1 xxiv4 #f1 xxv4 #ah2 mortifies the ,saint1 xxvi4 #d2 humility of1 xxviii4 #bj2 promise of1 to protect the ,saint1 xxviii4 #ba2 always consoled the ,saint1 xxix4 #e2 hesitates about the new foundation1 xxxii4 #af2 commands the ,saint to abandon it1 xxxiii4 #d2 orders her to proceed1 xxxiii4 #ac4 ,alvarez1 ,f4 ,rodrigo1 ,rel4 viii4 ,amendment of life1 the work of prayer1 viii4 #f-ab4 ,amusements1 vii4 #a1 ,rel4 i4 #ad4 ,angels and evil spirits1 vision of1 xxxi4 #aa4 ,angel1 the ,saint's vision of the1 xxix4 #af-ah4 ,answers to the ,saint's prayers1 xxxix4 #a-g4 ,antony1 ,st41 of ,padua1 xxii4 #aj4 ,aranda1 de1 ,don ,gonzalo1 xxxvi4 #ah4 ,aridity1 how it comes on in the second state of prayer1 xv4 #ae4 ,art1 the1 of serving ,god1 xii4 #b4 ,ascent of the ,mount1 xxiii4 #ac4 ,assumption1 the1 vision of1 xxxix4 #cg4 ,attachments1 evil effects of worldly1 xi4 #e2 xxiii4 #e4 ,augustin1 ,st41 ,confessions of1 ix4 #h2 effect of reading them on the ,saint1 ix4 #i2 saying of1 xiii4 #d4 ,avila1 birthplace of ,st4 ,teresa1 troubled by the new foundation3 xxxvi4 #ad4 ,avila1 ,bl41 ,juan of1 ,rel4 vii4 #i4 ,bes1 ,fr4 ,dom41 xxxvi4 #ae2 transmits the ,saint's writings to the ,inquisition1 ,rel4 vii4 #af4 ,barrientos4 ,see ,martin4 ,barron1 ,fra ,vicente1 confessor of the ,saint's father1 vii4 #bf2 hears the confession of the ,saint1 vii4 #bg1 xix4 #ai4 ,beauty of our ,lord1 xxviii4 #b1 xxix4 #b1 xxxvii4 #e2 unimaginable1 xxviii4 #g4 ,beginners1 must toil1 xi4 #ac2 and persevere1 xi4 #ae-ag2 not to be afraid of the cross1 xi4 #be2 must be content1 xii4 #b2 certain temptations of1 vii4 #af1 xiii4 #i2 must begin humbly1 xv4 #ai4 ,bernard1 ,st41 xxii4 #aj4 ,betrothal spiritual1 of the ,saint1 ,rel4 ix4 #h1 #be4 ,bird1 the soul likened to a1 xviii4 #ac1 xix4 #bb4 ,bishopric1 a1 the ,saint consulted about the acceptance of1 xl4 #ba4 ,blessed1 the1 joys of1 x4 #c4 ,blindness healed through the prayer of the ,saint1 xxxix4 #a4 ,body1 the1 shares the joy of the soul in certain states of prayer1 xvii4 #ad1 xviii4 #ae2 state of1 in raptures1 xx4 #b1 #d1 #bc2 our ,lord seen by the ,saint always in ,his glorified1 xxix4 #d4 ,book1 a living1 xxvi4 #f4 ,books insufficient without a director1 xxii4 #c4 ,borja1 de1 ,st4 ,francis4 ,see ,francis4 ,brief1 the1 sanctioning the observances of ,st4 ,joseph's1 xxxiv4 #b1 xxxvi4 #a1 xxxix4 #bj4 ,brizeo1 ,doa ,maria1 ii4 #ab2 influences the ,saint1 iii4 #a4 ,bulls1 the ,sabbatine1 xxxviii4 #dj4 ,cardona1 de1 ,doa ,catalina1 ,rel4 iii4 #ab4 ,carmel1 the ,order of1 vision concerning1 ,rel4 iii4 #ad2 advice to1 ,rel4 x4 ,caterpillar of self-respect1 xxxi4 #bd4 ,catherine1 ,st41 of ,siena1 xxii4 #aj4 ,censoriousness of the world1 xxxi4 #ai4 ,cepeda1 de1 ,alfonso ,sanchez1 father of the ,saint1 fond of spiritual books1 i4 #a2 gives his daughter ,maria in marriage1 ii4 #d1 note1 #h2 places the ,saint at school in a monastery1 ii4 #h2 would not consent to her becoming a nun1 iii4 #i2 takes her to ,bezadas to be cured1 v4 #e1 #f2 brings her to his house in ,avila1 v4 #ae2 hinders her from making her confession in an illness1 v4 #ag2 persuaded by the ,saint to practise mental prayer1 vii4 #af2 makes progress therein1 vii4 #bj2 holy death of1 vii4 #bb-be2 seen in heaven by the ,saint1 xxxviii4 #a4 ,cepeda1 de1 ,don ,lorenzo1 finds money for the new monastery of ,st4 ,joseph1 xxxiii4 #ac4 ,cepeda1 de1 ,maria1 sister of the ,saint1 ii4 #d2 sudden death of1 xxxiv4 #bd2 seen in heaven by the ,saint1 xxxiv4 #be4 ,cerda1 de la1 ,doa ,luisa1 xxxiv4 #a2 attracted by the ,saint1 xxxiv4 #d2 visited by ,st4 ,peter of ,alcantara1 xxxv4 #f2 tries to amuse the ,saint by showing her diamonds1 xxxviii4 #e2 the ,saint's watchfulness over herself in the house of1 xxxix4 #aa4 ,cheerfulness1 importance of1 xii4 #a4 ,cherubim1 xxix4 #af4 ,choice of a director1 xiii4 #bh1 #bi4 ,church1 the1 ceremonies of1 xxxi4 #d2 the ,saint's reverence for1 xxxiii4 #f4 ,clare1 ,st41 encourages the ,saint1 xxxiii4 #ae4 ,comforts1 worldly1 the ,saint's fear of1 xxxiv4 #d4 ,communion1 effects of the ,saint's1 xvi4 #c-aj1 xviii4 #aj-ah1 xxx4 #af1 xxxviii4 #bd1 ,rel4 iv4 #e1 ,rel4 ix4 #ac2 the ,saint's longing for1 xxxix4 #ca2 graces of1 ,rel4 ix4 #bj4 ,complaint1 loving1 of the ,saint1 xxxvii4 #ac4 ,confession1 frequent1 of the ,saint1 v4 #ag2 matter of1 ,rel4 v4 #aa4 ,confessors1 the ,saint's difficulty in finding1 iv4 #h1 #ac2 harm done by ill-instructed1 v4 #f1 #bj1 vi4 #f2 one of them misleads the ,saint1 viii4 #ae2 unskilful1 xx4 #bh2 wrong counsel of1 xxvi4 #e2 of the ,saint harsh with her1 xxx4 #ae2 obedience of the ,saint to her1 xxiii4 #ai1 xxxiii4 #d1 #e1 ,rel1 i4 #i2 the ,saint rebuked for her affection to her1 xxxvii4 #f2 names of the ,saint's1 ,rel4 vii4 #e1 #aa1 #ab1 #ac4 ,consecration1 power of the words of1 xxxviii4 #cj4 ,consolations1 xi4 #ba2 not to be sought for1 xxii4 #ae4 ,contemplation1 xxii4 #a2 why granted to imperfect souls1 xxii4 #bb1 #bc4 ,contempt1 ,satan shuns1 xxxi4 #aj2 the ,saint directed to treat her visions with1 xxix4 #f4 ,contradiction of good people1 xxviii4 #bd1 xxx4 #f4 ,conversation1 worldly1 vii4 #aj2 danger of1 ii4 #e1 vii4 #aj2 delight of our ,lord in spiritual1 xxxiv4 #bj4 ,conversion of a wicked priest1 v4 #ab2 of a sinner1 xxxix4 #e4 ,courage of the ,saint1 viii4 #aj2 necessity of1 x4 #h2 effects of1 xiii4 #c2 necessary in the way of perfection1 xxxi4 #ai4 ,covetousness1 xxxiii4 #ad4 ,cowardice1 spiritual1 xiii4 #f4 ,creator1 the1 traces of1 in things visible1 ix4 #f4 ,crosses1 xi4 #h2 desired by souls in the prayer of imperfect union1 xvi4 #i4 ,cross1 the1 way of1 xi4 #h1 xv4 #ag1 #ba2 necessity of carrying1 xxvii4 #ad4 ,daza1 ,gaspar1 xxiii4 #f2 thought the ,saint was deluded by an evil spirit1 xxiii4 #af2 approved of the new foundation1 xxxii4 #ba4 ,delusion1 a1 into which the ,saint fell1 xxii4 #c2 the ,saint always prayed to be delivered from1 xxix4 #f4 ,delusions incidental to locutions1 xxv4 #c1 #aa4 ,desires1 good1 xiii4 #h1 xxi4 #i1 ,rel4 xi4 #e4 ,desolation1 spiritual1 of the ,saint1 xxx4 #aj4 ,detachment1 blessing of1 xi4 #b1 xxxiv4 #bj2 necessity of1 for prayer1 xi4 #af1 xv4 #ag2 of the perfect1 xv4 #ah2 an effect of raptures1 xviii4 #h1 xx4 #aj2 takes away the fear of death1 xxxviii4 #g2 the ,saint's1 from kindred1 xxxi4 #bb1 ,rel4 ii4 #e1 ,rel4 ix4 #aa2 from directors1 ,rel4 iv4 #c4 ,detraction1 avoided by the ,saint1 vi4 #d1 vii4 #c2 insensibility to1 ,rel4 ii4 #d4 ,detractors1 the ,saint prays for her1 xix4 #aa4 ,devotion1 sweetness in1 never asked for by the ,saint1 ix4 #aj2 but once1 ix4 #aa2 those who seek it censured1 xi4 #ba2 the ,saint's1 increased by difficulties1 xxviii4 #aj4 ,die1 either to1 or suffer1 xl4 #bg4 ,direction1 unskilful1 viii4 #ae1 #af2 importance of1 xiii4 #d2 methods of wrong1 xiii4 #be2 not to be the same for all1 xxxix4 #af4 ,directors ought to be experienced1 xiii4 #ba2 and prudent1 xiii4 #bd2 and learned1 xiii4 #bf2 choice of1 xiii4 #bh2 charity of1 xiii4 #bi2 should be secret1 xxiii4 #ad2 and humble1 xxxiv4 #ae2 should be trusted1 xxxix4 #ce2 necessary1 xl4 #ab2 the ,saint preferred those who distrusted her1 ,rel4 vii4 #ah4 ,discouragements1 xi4 #ae2 must be resisted1 xix4 #f2 certain causes of1 xxxi4 #ba4 ,discretion1 xi4 #bc1 xiii4 #b2 excessive1 xiii4 #h4 ,distraction of the understanding in the prayer of quiet1 xv4 #aj1 xxx4 #ai2 in monasteries not caused by poverty1 xxxv4 #c4 ,distrust of self1 viii4 #ah1 ix4 #c2 necessity of1 xix4 #bj4 ,domine1 da mihi aquam1 xxx4 #bd4 ,dominicans1 the1 help ,st4 ,teresa1 v4 #h1 ,rel4 vii4 #aa-ad4 ,dominion1 true1 xl4 #ba4 ,dove1 vision of a1 xxxviii4 #ac1 #ad4 ,ecija1 vow of the ,saint in the hermitage of1 ,rel4 vi4 #c4 ,ecstasy1 xx4 #a2 how wrought1 xx4 #b2 fear during1 xx4 #i2 first1 of the ,saint1 xxiv4 #g4 ,egypt1 flesh-pots of1 xv4 #e4 ,elevation of the spirit not to be attempted in union1 xviii4 #h4 ,eliseus4 ,see ,jerome1 ,fra1 of the ,mother of ,god4 ,enclosure1 observance of1 how important1 vii4 #e4 ,endowments not accepted by the ,saint for her monasteries1 xxxv4 #d1 #e2 offered for ,st4 ,joseph1 xxxvi4 #ai2 and forbidden by a ,brief1 xxxix4 #bj4 ,envy1 a holy1 xxxix4 #ai4 ,exorcisms1 the ,saint threatened with1 ,boll4 #baa1 xxix4 #d4 ,experience1 more valuable than books1 xiv4 #aj2 a safeguard against delusion1 xiv4 #aa4 ,faith1 the1 ,satan was never able to make the ,saint doubt1 xix4 #ac2 blessed effects of1 xxv4 #af4 ,falls turn to our good1 xix4 #h4 ,fear1 xxv4 #bg2 of ,god1 xxvi4 #a4 ,founders of religious ,orders1 xxxii4 #ag4 ,francis1 ,st41 xxii4 #aj4 ,francis1 ,st41 de ,borja visits the ,saint1 xxiv4 #d2 consulted by her1 ,rel4 vii4 #e4 ,friendship1 advantages of spiritual1 vii4 #cc-cg1 xxx4 #f2 with ,god1 xv4 #h2 the ,saint's detachment from1 xxiv4 #h4 ,friendship1 worldly1 dangers of1 ii4 #d1 v4 #i2 deceitfulness of1 xxi4 #a4 ,garden1 the prayer in the1 ix4 #e2 the soul likened to a1 xi4 #aj1 xiv4 #ac4 ,gifts of ,god1 the1 importance of discerning1 x4 #d2 demand our gratitude1 x4 #g2 supply strength1 x4 #h2 a grace to understand1 xvii4 #g2 the ,saint erroneously advised to conceal1 xxvi4 #e2 given according to ,his will1 xxxiv4 #ad1 xxxix4 #ab2 the ,saint's joy when others received1 xxxiv4 #ba4 ,god1 sense of the presence of1 x4 #a2 helps those who love ,him1 xi4 #ai2 never fails those who trust ,him1 xiii4 #ae2 munificence of1 xviii4 #e2 the ,saint has a vision of1 xl4 #ac1 #ad2 pain of absence from1 ,rel4 iv4 #f4 ,grace1 prayer the door of1 viii4 #ac2 comes after trials1 xi4 #ah2 the ,saint's distress because she could not know whether she was in a state of1 xxxiv4 #ab2 vision of a soul in1 ,rel4 iii4 #ac4 ,guzman1 de1 y ,barrientos1 ,don ,martin1 sudden death of1 xxxiv4 #bd4 ,hardships of the religious life1 xiii4 #cj4 ,health1 anxiety about1 v4 #c-h2 importance of1 in the spiritual life1 xi4 #bc2 to be made little of1 xiii4 #i4 ,heaven1 ,queen of1 xix4 #i2 revealed in raptures1 xxxiii4 #af1 xxxviii4 #h4 ,hell1 a vision of1 xxx4 #ad1 xxxii4 #a2 effects of1 on the ,saint1 xxxii4 #g-aj4 ,heretics1 self-condemned1 vii4 #h2 evil state of1 xxxii4 #i2 resemble a broken mirror1 xl4 #i4 ,hilarion1 ,st41 the ,saint commends herself to1 xxvii4 #b4 ,honour1 point of1 xxi4 #ab4 ,hugo1 ,fra1 ,cardinal of ,santa ,sabina1 xxxvi4 #bg4 ,humanity1 the ,sacred1 xii4 #c1 xxii4 #a2 mistake of the ,saint concerning1 xxii4 #c2 source of all grace1 xxii4 #i2 never to be lost sight of in prayer1 xxii4 #aa2 the ,saint directed to fix her thoughts on1 xxiii4 #ah2 the ,saint renews her love of1 xxiv4 #b2 vision of1 xxviii4 #d1 xxxviii4 #bb4 ,humility1 advantages of1 vii4 #cg1 xii4 #i2 false kinds of1 x4 #d1 xiii4 #d2 the foundation of the ,christian life1 xii4 #e2 worth more than all the science in the world1 xv4 #ac2 grows most in the state of perfect union1 xix4 #b2 dangers of false1 xix4 #ae-bc2 acquired in raptures1 xx4 #ch2 foundation of prayer must be laid in1 xxii4 #af2 a false1 the most crafty device of ,satan1 xxx4 #ab2 asking for consolations not consistent with1 xxxix4 #ba-bc4 ,hypocrisy1 the ,saint not tempted to1 vii4 #b1 ,rel4 i4 #ah4 ,ibaez1 ,fra ,pedro1 x4 #aj1 note1 xvi4 #aj2 note #f2 consulted by the ,saint about the new foundation1 xxxii4 #ai2 encourages the ,saint to persevere1 xxxii4 #bj2 confident of success1 xxxiii4 #e2 departs from ,avila1 xxxiii4 #g2 advises the ,saint to accept an endowment for the new foundation1 xxxv4 #e2 changes his opinion1 xxxv4 #g2 and helps the ,saint1 xxxvi4 #bc2 seen by the ,saint in a vision1 xxxviii4 #ae1 #af4 ,illness of ,st4 ,teresa1 iv4 #f1 v4 #d2 extreme severity of1 v4 #ad4 ,image of our ,lord not to be mocked1 xxix4 #g4 ,images1 devotion of the ,saint to1 vii4 #c2 effects of1 on her1 ix4 #a-c2 great blessing of1 ix4 #g4 ,imagination of ,st4 ,teresa not active1 ix4 #f2 wearisome to her1 xvii4 #i4 ,imitation of the ,saints1 xiii4 #e-i4 ,imperfections1 rooting up of1 xiv4 #ad4 ,impetuosities in prayer1 xxix4 #aa-ac1 ,rel4 i4 #c1 ,rel4 viii4 #ac4 ,impetuosities of divine love1 xxix4 #aj1 #aa1 #ac1 xxxiii4 #i2 physical effects of1 xxix4 #ae4 ,incarnation1 the monastery of the1 the ,saint enters1 iv4 #a2 the nuns of1 complain of the ,saint1 xix4 #ab2 the ,saint tempted to leave1 xxxi4 #af2 the rule not strictly observed in1 xxxii4 #ab2 the ,saint's affection for1 xxxii4 #ac1 xxxiii4 #c2 nuns of1 object to the new foundation1 xxxiii4 #b2 election of prioress1 xxxv4 #h2 the ,saint returns to1 from ,toledo1 xxxv4 #aj1 xxxvi4 #a2 troubled because of the new foundation1 xxxvi4 #aa4 ,indisposition1 bodily1 evil effects of1 on the spiritual life1 xi4 #bc4 ,ingratitude1 delusion arising from the dread of1 xxiv4 #f2 the ,saint bewails her1 xiv4 #af4 ,inquisition1 the1 threats of denouncing the ,saint to1 xxxiii4 #f4 ,inspirations1 good1 not to be resisted1 iv4 #c4 ,intentions1 good1 no excuse for an evil act1 v4 #ab4 ,jerome1 ,fra1 of the ,mother of ,god1 ,rel4 vi4 #a-c1 ,rel4 ix4 #g1 #ba1 #bc1 #bf4 ,jerome1 ,st41 xi4 #ag1 xxxviii4 #b2 the ,saint reads the letters of1 iii4 #h4 ,jesus1 the ,society of1 helps the ,saint1 v4 #h2 sought by her1 xxiii4 #c1 #ai2 visions concerning1 xxxviii4 #ag1 #ci4 ,job1 patience of1 v4 #af2 trial of1 xxx4 #ab4 ,john1 ,st41 of the ,cross1 ,rel4 iii4 #ai4 ,joseph1 ,st41 great devotion of the ,saint to1 vi4 #i1 xxx4 #h1 xxxvi4 #e2 the teacher of prayer1 vi4 #ab2 encourages the ,saint1 xxxiii4 #ad2 vision of1 xxxiii4 #af4 ,joseph1 ,st41 the monastery of1 purchase of the site of1 xxxii4 #bb2 not to be subject to the ,order1 xxxiii4 #ah2 paradise of ,god's delight1 xxxv4 #ac2 foundation of1 xxxvi4 #d2 destruction of1 threatened by the council of the city1 xxxvi4 #ad2 obtains the good will of the people1 xxxvi4 #be2 goodness of the nuns of1 xxxix4 #ad4 ,joys1 of prayer1 x4 #c2 of visions1 xxvii4 #ac2 of the saved1 xxvii4 #ae4 ,judas1 temptation of1 xix4 #af4 ,judgment1 day of1 xl4 #af4 ,kindred1 detachment from1 xxxi4 #bb1 ,rel4 ix4 #aa4 ,kings1 obligations of1 xxi4 #b1 #d2 wherein lies the power of1 xxxvii4 #h4 ,labourer1 story of a1 xxxviii4 #bf4 ,laxity in religious houses1 vii4 #f-aj4 ,learning1 accompanied with humility1 a help to prayer1 xii4 #f2 useful in directors1 xiii4 #bd-bf2 the ,saint wishes for1 xiv4 #i2 not necessary in prayer1 xv4 #ab4 ,lie1 a1 ,satan is1 xxv4 #bf2 the ,saint's hatred of1 xxviii4 #f4 ,life1 the1 of the ,saint1 under what circumstances written1 x4 #aa4 ,life1 weariness of1 xxi4 #h2 the illuminative1 xxii4 #a4 ,light of visions1 xxviii4 #g1 xxxviii4 #c4 ,locutions1 divine1 xix4 #ad1 xxv4 #a1 #b2 delusions incidental to1 xxv4 #c1 #aa2 efficacy of1 xxv4 #e1 #ab2 human1 xxv4 #h2 ,satanic1 xxv4 #ac2 tests of the ,satanic1 xxv4 #ag2 nature of1 xxvi4 #c2 state of the understanding during1 xxvii4 #aj2 effects of the divine1 xxxviii4 #ai-ba4 ,locutions heard by the ,saint1 xviii4 #ah1 xix4 #ac1 xxiv4 #g1 xxv4 #bb1 xxvi4 #c1 #f1 xxix4 #g1 xxx4 #ag1 xxxi4 #ae1 xxxii4 #ag1 xxxiii4 #aj1 #ad1 xxxv4 #g1 #i1 xxxvi4 #bj1 xxxviii4 #d1 #ai1 #bj1 xxxix4 #bi1 #cd1 xl4 #a1 #ba1 #bd1 ,rel4 iii4 #a1 passim1 ,rel4 iv4 #d1 #e1 #f1 ,rel4 ix4 #a1 passim4 ,lord1 our1 accounted mad1 xxvii4 #ae4 ,love1 joyous1 in seeing a picture of ,christ1 ix4 #g2 servants of1 xi4 #a2 wherein it consists1 xi4 #bj2 vehement in perfect souls1 xv4 #f2 effects of divine1 xxii4 #ba2 makes itself known without words1 xxvii4 #ab2 impetuosities of1 xxix4 #aj1 #aa2 fire of1 xxx4 #be4 ,loyalty1 worldly1 v4 #i4 ,ludolf of ,saxony1 xxxviii4 #aa4 ,lukewarmness1 vii4 #a4 ,lutherans1 xxxii4 #i1 ,rel4 ii4 #ad2 destroyers of images1 ,rel4 v4 #e4 ,madness1 spiritual1 xvi4 #a-h1 xxvii4 #ae4 ,magdalene1 the1 ix4 #b1 xxi4 #i2 her example to be followed1 xxii4 #ai4 ,mancio1 ,f41 ,rel4 ii4 #ah4 ,mantles of the religious folded by the ,saint1 xxxi4 #bg4 ,maria of ,jesus1 xxxv4 #a2 founds a house in ,alcala de ,henares1 xxxvi4 #bi4 ,martin1 ,don1 ,guzman y ,barrientos1 marries a sister of the ,saint1 ii4 #d1 note1 iii4 #d2 sudden death of1 xxxiv4 #bd4 ,martyrdom desired by the ,saint1 i4 #d4 ,martyrs1 the1 sufferings of1 xvi4 #f4 ,mary and ,martha1 xvii4 #f1 xxii4 #ac4 ,meditation1 advantage of1 iv4 #aa2 fruits of1 xi4 #bj2 example of a1 xiii4 #ai2 the perfect may have to return to1 xv4 #bj4 ,memory1 the1 in the prayer of imperfect union1 xvii4 #e1 #i2 troublesome1 but not hurtful1 xvii4 #aa4 ,mendoza1 de1 ,don ,alvaro1 ,bishop of ,avila1 xxxiii4 #ai2 protects the new monastery of ,st4 ,joseph1 xxxvi4 #ah4 ,men1 great1 difficult of access1 xxxvii4 #g4 ,mercies of ,god1 the remembrance of1 xv4 #bc4 ,michael1 ,st41 the ,saint commends herself to1 xxvii4 #b4 ,misdirection1 a1 corrected by the ,saint1 xiii4 #bb4 ,mitigation1 the ,bull of1 xxxii4 #ab2 disused in the new monastery1 xxxvi4 #bg1 #bh4 ,monasteries1 courts in politeness1 xxxvii4 #ag4 ,munificence of ,god1 xviii4 #e1 xxii4 #bf4 ,neatness1 excessive1 ii4 #b1 ,rel4 i4 #bc4 ,novices in ,st4 ,joseph's1 xxxix4 #ae4 ,novitiate of the ,saint1 v4 #a4 ,nun1 illness of a1 in the monastery of the ,incarnation1 v4 #c2 visions concerning a1 xxxviii4 #cg1 #ch4 ,obedience1 the ,saint writes under1 xviii4 #aj2 strict observance of1 in the ,society of ,jesus1 xxxiii4 #i2 of the ,saint to her confessors1 xxiii4 #ai1 ,rel4 i4 #i1 #bi1 ,rel4 vii4 #ad4 ,objects1 natural1 moved the ,saint to devotion1 ix4 #f4 ,ocampo1 de1 ,mary1 xxxii4 #ac1 note4 ,office1 the divine1 the ,saint's imperfect knowledge of1 xxxi4 #bf4 ,order1 vision concerning a certain1 xl4 #ah1 #ai4 ,osorno1 ,countess of1 ,rel4 iii4 #af4 ,ovalle1 de1 ,don ,juan1 xxxv4 #ad1 note2 providential illness of1 xxxvi4 #b4 ,padranos1 de1 ,juan1 xxiii4 #ah2 directs the ,saint1 xxiv4 #a2 removed from ,avila1 xxiv4 #e4 ,pain of raptures1 xx4 #aa2 sweetness of1 xx4 #ai4 ,paradise of ,his delight1 xxxv4 #ac4 ,passer solitarius1 xx4 #ac4 ,passion1 the1 devotion of the ,saint to1 ix4 #e2 meditation on1 xiii4 #ai1 #bj1 xxii4 #h4 ,patience of a nun1 v4 #c2 of the ,saint1 v4 #af2 of ,god1 viii4 #h4 ,penance1 necessity of1 xxvii4 #ad2 of the ,saint1 xxiv4 #b1 ,rel4 i4 #e1 ,rel4 ii4 #aa1 ,rel4 xi4 #b4 ,perfection1 xxi4 #aj2 true safety lies in1 xxxv4 #ae2 not always attained to because of many years spent in prayer1 xxxix4 #ba4 ,persecution1 of the ,saint1 xix4 #ab1 xxxvi4 #ab2 blessings of1 xxxiii4 #e4 ,perseverance in prayer1 viii4 #e2 fruits of1 xi4 #f2 reward of1 certain1 xi4 #ag2 the ,saint prays for1 xiv4 #ag2 and recommends1 xix4 #g4 ,peter1 ,st41 of ,alcantara1 xxvii4 #d2 penitential life of1 xxvii4 #ag-ba1 xxx4 #b2 power of1 with ,god1 xxvii4 #bb2 understands and comforts the ,saint1 xxx4 #e1 #g1 ,rel4 vii4 #f2 quiets a scruple of the ,saint1 xxx4 #bj2 approves of the new foundation1 xxxii4 #af2 and of the observance of poverty in it1 xxxv4 #f2 in ,avila when the ,saint came back from ,toledo1 xxxvi4 #a2 death of1 xxxvi4 #a1 note2 appears to the ,saint1 xxxvi4 #bj1 #ba2 said that women make greater progress than men1 xl4 #ab4 ,phoenix1 the1 xxxix4 #cc4 ,pilgrims1 xxxviii4 #h4 ,pillar1 the1 meditations on ,christ at1 xiii4 #ai1 #ca4 ,politeness1 monasteries courts in1 xxxvii4 #ag4 ,poverty1 effects of defective1 xi4 #c2 of spirit1 xxii4 #ag2 the ,saint's love of1 xxxv4 #c1 ,rel4 i4 #aj1 ,rel4 ii4 #b4 ,prayer1 mental1 viii4 #g2 blessings of1 viii4 #ab2 joys of1 x4 #c2 the ,saint's four states of1 xi4 #ab2 fruit of mental1 xi4 #bj2 vocal1 xii4 #c2 doctrine of1 difficult1 xiii4 #ah2 importance of persevering in1 xv4 #e2 must have its foundations in humility1 xxii4 #af2 of the ,saint continued in sleep1 xxix4 #i2 effects of intercessory1 xxxi4 #i2 two kinds of1 xxxix4 #h-aj2 the ,saint's method of1 ,rel4 i4 #a4 ,preachers1 xvi4 #ab4 ,presence of ,god1 the1 xviii4 #bj2 practice of the1 xii4 #c2 effects of1 in the prayer of quiet1 xiv4 #h2 different from vision1 xxvii4 #f4 ,priest1 conversion of an evil-living1 v4 #i1 xxxi4 #g2 vision concerning a1 xxxviii4 #bi4 ,progress made in the way of raptures1 xxi4 #aa4 ,prophecies made to the ,saint1 xxxiv4 #bc2 fulfilled1 ,rel4 ii4 #f1 #ag4 ,provincial1 the1 of the ,carmelites offers to accept the new foundation1 xxxii4 #af2 then declines it1 xxxii4 #ah2 sends the ,saint to ,toledo1 xxxiv4 #b2 recalls her1 xxxv4 #h2 reprimands the ,saint1 xxxvi4 #ab2 allows the ,saint to live in the new monastery1 xxxvi4 #bc2 death of1 xxxviii4 #cd-cf4 ,purgatory1 the ,saint saw certain souls who were not sent to1 xxxviii4 #da2 and delivers others from1 xxxix4 #f4 ,queen of heaven1 the1 devotion to1 xix4 #i4 ,quiet1 the prayer of1 iv4 #i1 ix4 #f1 xiv4 #a1 passim2 disturbed by the memory and the understanding1 xiv4 #e2 joy of the soul in1 xiv4 #g2 few souls pass beyond1 xv4 #c1 #g2 great fruits of1 xv4 #f2 how the soul is to order itself in1 xv4 #i2 difference between the true and false1 xv4 #ae4 ,rank1 slavery of1 xxxiv4 #f4 ,rapture1 xx4 #a2 irresistible1 xx4 #c1 xxii4 #bj2 effects of1 xx4 #i1 #cj2 pain of1 xx4 #aa2 loneliness of the soul in1 xx4 #ac2 characteristics of1 xx4 #bc2 duration of1 xx4 #be2 physical effects of1 xx4 #bi1 ,rel4 i4 #bf1 iv4 #a2 made the ,saint long for heaven1 xxxviii4 #h2 good effects of1 ,rel4 i4 #h1 #ae4 ,reading1 spiritual1 i4 #a1 iv4 #ab1 #ac2 persevered in by the ,saint1 viii4 #ad2 long unprofitable to her1 xii4 #aj2 impossible in the prayer of perfect union1 xviii4 #ad2 a delight1 ,rel4 i4 #g4 ,recollection1 prayer of1 xiv4 #b1 ,rel4 viii4 #c4 ,recreation1 xiii4 #a4 ,reflections1 making1 when dangerous in prayer1 xv4 #aa4 ,reform1 the ,carmelite1 beginning of1 xxxii4 #ac4 ,religious must despise the world1 xxvii4 #af4 ,resignation of the ,saint1 xxi4 #f1 ,rel4 i4 #bj4 ,revelations1 the ,saint never spoke of her1 when she consulted her confessors1 xxxii4 #ai4 ,rosary1 the1 of the ,saint1 xxix4 #h4 ,rule1 the ,carmelite1 mitigation of1 xxxii4 #ab2 restored by the ,saint1 xxxvi4 #bg2 observance of1 xxxvi4 #cj1 #ca4 ,salasar1 de1 ,angel4 ,see ,provincial4 ,salazar1 de1 ,gaspar1 ,rector of the ,society of ,jesus in ,avila1 xxxiii4 #i2 understands the state of the ,saint1 xxxiii4 #aa2 bids the ,saint go to ,toledo1 xxxiv4 #b2 vision of the ,saint concerning1 xxxviii4 #ag4 ,salcedo1 de1 ,don ,francisco1 xxiii4 #f2 gives spiritual advice to the ,saint1 xxiii4 #aa2 fears delusions1 xxiii4 #ab2 helps the ,saint in her new foundation1 xxxii4 #ba1 xxxvi4 #ba2 hospitable1 xxxvi4 #a2 gives ,communion to the ,saint when a priest1 ,rel4 iii4 #g4 ,samaria1 the woman of1 xxx4 #bd4 ,satan1 subtlety of1 iv4 #ad2 an artifice of1 vii4 #ab1 #ce2 suggests a false humility1 xiii4 #e2 and a carefulness for health1 xiii4 #i2 afraid of learned directors who are humble1 xiii4 #bf2 efforts of1 to deceive1 how thwarted1 xv4 #af2 tempted the ,saint to give up prayer1 xix4 #h2 a lie1 xxv4 #bf2 unable to counterfeit intellectual visions1 xxvii4 #d-h2 tries to counterfeit imaginary visions1 xxviii4 #ae2 appears to the ,saint1 xxxi4 #b2 dislikes contempt1 xxxi4 #aj2 wiles of1 ,rel4 i4 #bi4 ,scandal1 xxvii4 #af4 ,scorn1 signs of1 not to be made during visions1 xxix4 #f4 ,self1 contempt of1 necessary in the spiritual life1 xxxi4 #bc4 ,self-denial1 necessity of1 xxxi4 #be4 ,self-knowledge1 xiii4 #bc4 ,self-love1 xi4 #b2 strong and hurtful1 xi4 #d1 #e4 ,self-respect1 harm of1 xxi4 #ab4 ,senses1 the1 suspension of1 in the prayer of perfect union1 xviii4 #ai4 ,sensitiveness1 xi4 #d4 ,sermons1 viii4 #ag2 without simplicity1 xvi4 #ab4 ,shame1 good fruits of1 v4 #i4 ,sicknesses of the ,saint1 xxx4 #i4 ,sickness sent for penance1 xxiv4 #b4 ,sight restored at the prayer of the ,saint1 xxxix4 #a4 ,sincerity of the ,saint1 ,rel4 i4 #bh4 ,sin1 occasions of1 viii4 #ad2 pain occasioned by the sins of others1 xiii4 #ad2 original1 xxx4 #bj2 the ,saint1 by her prayers1 hinders a great1 xxxix4 #c2 wickedness of1 xl4 #ae2 vision of a soul in1 ,rel4 iii4 #ac4 ,sins1 the ,saint consents to the divulging of her1 x4 #aj4 ,solitude1 longings for1 i4 #f1 vi4 #e1 ,rel4 i4 #f4 ,sorcery1 v4 #aj4 ,soto1 de1 the ,inquisitor1 ,rel4 vii4 #h4 ,soul1 our own1 the first object1 xiii4 #ac1 #ad2 likened to a garden1 xi4 #aj1 xiv4 #ac2 in the prayer of quiet1 xv4 #a2 growth of1 xv4 #bj2 powers of1 in the prayer of imperfect union1 xvi4 #a1 #d2 beside itself1 xvi4 #a-e2 crucifixion of1 in raptures1 xx4 #ad2 detachment of the enraptured1 xx4 #cc2 strengthened in raptures1 xxi4 #ad2 effects of visions in1 xxvii4 #aa2 helplessness of1 without ,god1 xxxvii4 #aa2 vision of a lost soul1 xxxviii4 #ca2 the ,saint's vision of her own1 xl4 #h2 and of1 in a state of grace1 ,rel4 iii4 #ac1 ,rel4 v4 #f4 ,spirit1 liberty of1 xi4 #be2 poverty of1 xxii4 #ag2 flight of the1 xviii4 #h1 ,rel4 viii4 #aa4 ,spirits1 evil1 put to flight1 xxv4 #be2 by holy water1 xxxi4 #d4 ,spirituality influenced by bodily health1 xi4 #bd4 ,suarez1 ,juana1 iii4 #b2 accompanies the ,saint to ,bezadas1 iv4 #f4 ,sufferings1 physical1 of the ,saint1 iv4 #g1 v4 #d1 #ad1 vi4 #a2 of raptures1 xx4 #af2 the ,saint longs for1 xl4 #bg4 ,sweetness1 spiritual1 never sought by the ,saint but once1 ix4 #aa2 seekers of1 censured1 xi4 #ba2 of the pain of raptures1 xx4 #ai2 the ,saint unable to resist it at times1 xxiv4 #a4 ,tears1 gift of1 iv4 #h1 xxix4 #aa2 of the ,saint before a picture of the ,passion1 ix4 #a2 in the prayer of quiet1 xiv4 #e2 in the prayer of perfect union1 xix4 #a1 #b2 the ,saint prays ,god to accept her1 xix4 #aj4 ,temptation1 power of1 xxx4 #ac4 ,tenderness of soul1 x4 #b4 ,teresa1 ,st41 desires martyrdom1 i4 #d2 placed in a monastery1 ii4 #h2 unwilling to become a nun1 ii4 #aj2 becomes more fervent1 iii4 #b2 is resolved to follow her vocation1 iii4 #f2 first fervours of1 iv4 #b2 failure of health1 iv4 #f2 ,god sends her an illness1 v4 #d2 suffers grievously1 vi4 #a2 afraid of prayer1 vi4 #e2 leads her father to prayer1 vii4 #af2 present at her father's death1 vii4 #bb2 perseveres in prayer1 viii4 #b2 found it hard to pray1 viii4 #aj2 delights in sermons1 viii4 #ag2 devout to the ,magdalene1 ix4 #b2 never doubted of ,god's mercy1 ix4 #h2 depreciates herself1 x4 #i2 willing to have her sins divulged1 x4 #aj2 always sought for light1 x4 #ac2 complains of her memory1 xi4 #i2 unable to explain the state of her soul1 xii4 #aj2 supernaturally enlightened1 xii4 #aa2 reads books on prayer to no purpose1 xiv4 #aj2 writes with many hindrances1 xiv4 #ab1 xl4 #cb2 bewails her ingratitude1 xiv4 #af2 scarcely understood a word of ,latin1 xv4 #ab2 understands her state in the prayer of imperfect union1 xvi4 #c2 and describes it1 xvi4 #f2 bewails her unworthiness1 xviii4 #f2 writes under obedience1 xviii4 #aj2 confesses ignorance1 xviii4 #bj2 abandons her prayers for a time1 xix4 #h2 evil spoken of1 xix4 #ab2 misled by false humility1 xix4 #bc2 prays to be delivered from raptures1 xx4 #e1 #f2 never cared for money1 xx4 #cd2 gives up her whole being to ,god1 xxi4 #g2 unable to learn from books1 xxii4 #c2 afraid of delusions1 xxiii4 #c2 is directed by a layman1 xxiii4 #aj2 severe to herself1 xxiv4 #b2 her first ecstasy1 xxiv4 #g2 had no visions before the prayer of union1 xxv4 #ad2 told by her confessor that she was deluded by ,satan1 xxv4 #ah2 prays to be led by a different spiritual way1 xxv4 #bj1 xxvii4 #c1 ,rel4 vii4 #g2 not afraid of ,satan1 xxv4 #bg2 spoken against1 xxvi4 #c2 troubles of1 because of visions1 xxvii4 #d1 xxviii4 #f2 her defence when told that her visions were false1 xxviii4 #ah1 #ai2 afraid nobody would hear her confession1 xxviii4 #bj2 harshly judged by her directors1 xxviii4 #bc2 would not exchange her visions for all the pleasures of the world1 xxix4 #e2 vehemence of her love1 xxix4 #aj2 her supernatural wound1 xxix4 #ag2 manifests her spiritual state to ,st4 ,peter of ,alcantara1 xxx4 #d2 bodily trials of1 xxx4 #ag2 finds no relief in exterior occupations1 xxx4 #ah2 buffeted by ,satan1 xxxi4 #c2 converts a great sinner1 xxxi4 #g2 troubled because well thought of1 xxxi4 #ac-ag2 her singing of the ,office1 xxxi4 #bf2 commanded to labour for the reform of her ,order1 xxxii4 #ad2 commanded to abandon her purpose1 xxxiii4 #a2 her vision in the ,dominican church1 ,avila1 xxxiii4 #af2 goes to ,toledo1 xxxiv4 #c2 the nuns wish to have her as their ,prioress1 xxxv4 #h2 restores a child to life1 xxxv4 #ad1 note2 begins the ,reform1 xxxvi4 #d2 her grievous trial1 xxxvi4 #f1 #g2 her health improved1 xxxvi4 #i2 would suffer all things for one additional degree of glory1 xxxvii4 #c2 her affection for her confessors1 xxxvii4 #f2 supernaturally helped when writing1 xxxviii4 #bh2 obtains sight for a blind person1 xxxix4 #a2 and the cure of one of her kindred1 xxxix4 #b2 her spiritual state became known without her consent1 xl4 #bh2 submits all her writings to the ,roman ,church1 ,rel4 vii4 #af4 ,theology1 mystical1 x4 #a1 xi4 #h1 xii4 #h2 the ,saint says she does not know the terms of1 xviii4 #d4 ,thomas1 ,st41 assisted at the deathbed of ,fra ,p4 ,ibaez1 xxxviii4 #ae4 ,throne1 vision of a1 xxxix4 #ca1 #cb4 ,trance1 a1 xviii4 #ag1 xx4 #a2 outward effects of1 xl4 #aa2 gradual1 ,rel4 viii4 #aj4 ,transport1 ,rel4 viii4 #aj4 ,trials followed by graces1 xi4 #ah2 promised to the ,saint1 xxxv4 #i2 shown her in a vision1 xxxix4 #be4 ,trinity1 the1 mystery of1 revealed to the ,saint1 xxxix4 #cf2 visions of1 ,rel4 iii4 #f1 ,rel4 v4 #f-h1 ,rel4 viii4 #bj1 ,rel4 ix4 #ab4 ,truth1 divine1 xl4 #c-g4 ,ulloa1 de1 ,doa ,guiomar1 xxiv4 #e2 takes the ,saint to her house1 xxx4 #c2 helps the ,saint to accomplish the reform1 xxxii4 #ac2 is refused absolution1 xxxii4 #ah4 ,understanding1 the1 use of in prayer1 xiii4 #ag2 disorderly1 xv4 #aj2 powerless in the state of imperfect union1 xvi4 #d2 and of the perfect union1 xviii4 #ai2 the ,saint speaks humbly of her1 xxviii4 #aj4 ,union1 imperfect1 prayer of1 xvi4 #a2 a mystical death1 ib42 the soul resigned therein1 xvii4 #a2 how it differs from the prayer of quiet1 xvii4 #e1 #f2 another degree of1 xvii4 #g2 the labour of the soul lessens in the later states of1 xviii4 #a4 ,union1 perfect1 prayer of1 xviii4 #a2 the senses wholly absorbed in1 xviii4 #c1 #ad2 duration of1 xviii4 #af2 fruits of1 xix4 #d4 ,union1 prayer of1 iv4 #i2 followed by visions in the ,saint1 xxv4 #ad4 ,union1 what it is1 ,rel4 v4 #b2 of the faculties of the soul1 ,rel4 viii4 #g4 ,vainglory1 vii4 #b1 #cd1 x4 #e1 ,rel4 i4 #ah1 ,rel4 ii4 #ae1 ,rel4 vii4 #bc4 ,vanity of possessions1 xx4 #ce2 the ,saint's watchfulness over herself herein1 xxxix4 #aa4 ,virtue1 growth of1 in the prayer of quiet1 xiv4 #f2 and in that of imperfect union1 xvii4 #d4 ,visions1 our ,lord seen in1 vii4 #aa1 xxv4 #ad1 xxvii4 #c1 xxviii4 #b2 intellectual1 xxvii4 #d2 different from the sense of the presence of ,god1 xxvii4 #f2 joy of1 xxvii4 #ac2 imaginary1 xxviii4 #e2 effects of1 in the soul1 xxviii4 #ac2 ,satan tried to simulate1 xxviii4 #ae2 effects of1 in the ,saint1 xxviii4 #ai2 cessation of the ,saint's imaginary1 xxix4 #b2 of the ,sacred ,humanity1 effects of1 xxxviii4 #bc4 ,water1 holy1 puts evil spirits to flight1 xxxi4 #d1 #e1 #i1 #aj4 ,water1 the first1 xi4 #ac2 the second1 xiv4 #a2 the third1 xvi4 #a2 the fourth1 xviii4 #a4 ,will1 the state of1 in the prayer of quiet1 xiv4 #d1 xv4 #b1 #aj2 in the prayer of imperfect union1 xviii4 #af4 ,women1 great care necessary in the direction of1 xxiii4 #ad1 #ae2 make greater progress than men1 xl4 #ab4 ,world1 the1 contempt of1 x4 #g1 xxvii4 #af2 customs of1 wearisome1 xxxvii4 #ae1 #af2 hard on good people1 xxxi4 #ai2 vanity of1 ,rel4 i4 #ba4 ,wound of the soul1 ,rel4 viii4 #af2 of love1 ,rel4 viii4 #ag4 ,ybaez4 ,see ,ibaez4 ,yepes1 ,rel4 ix4 #a4 ,zeal1 indiscreet1 xiii4 #aa4