,,tomlinsoniana ,by ,edward ,bulwer-,lytton ,,or1 ,,the ,,posthumous ,,writings ,,of ,,the ,,celebrated ,,augustus ,,tomlinson1 ,,professor ,,of ,,moral ,,philosophy ,,in ,,the ,,university ,,of ------- ,,addressed ,,to ,,his ,,pupils1 ,,and ,,comprising ,i ,,maxims ,,on ,,the ,,popular ,,art ,,of ,,creating1 ,,illustrated ,,by ,,ten ,,characters1 ,,being ,,an ,,introduction ,,to ,,that ,,noble ,,science ,,by ,,which ,,every ,,man ,,may ,,become ,,his ,,own ,,rogue4 ,,ii ,,brachylogia2 ,,or1 ,,essays ,,critical1 ,,sentimental1 ,,moral1 ,,and ,,original4 ,,introduction4 ,having lately been travelling in ,germany1 ,i spent some time at that ,university in which ,augustus ,tomlinson presided as ,professor of ,moral ,philosophy4 ,i found that that great man died1 after a lingering illness1 in the beginning of the year #ahbb1 perfectly resigned to his fate1 and conversing1 even on his deathbed1 on the divine mysteries of ,ethical ,philosophy4 ,notwithstanding the little peccadilloes to which ,i have alluded in the latter pages of 8,paul ,clifford10 and which his pupils deemed it advisable to hide from-- 8,the gaudy1 babbling1 and remorseless day10 his memory was still held in a tender veneration4 ,perhaps1 as in the case of the illustrious ,burns1 the faults of a great man endear to you his genius4 ,in his latter days the ,,professor was accustomed to wear a light-green silk dressing-gown1 and1 as he was perfectly bald1 a little black velvet cap2 his small-clothes were pepper and salt4 ,these interesting facts ,i learned from one of his pupils4 ,his old age was consumed in lectures1 in conversation1 and in the composition of the little morceaux of wisdom we present to the public4 ,in these essays and maxims1 short as they are1 he seems to have concentrated the wisdom of his industrious and honourable life4 ,with great difficulty ,i procured from his executors the manuscripts which were then preparing for the ,german press4 ,a valuable consideration induced those gentlemen to become philanthropic1 and to consider the inestimable blessings they would confer upon this country by suffering me to give the following essays to the light1 in their native and ,english dress1 on the same day whereon they appear in ,germany in the graces of foreign disguise4 ,at an age when1 while ,hypocrisy stalks1 simpers1 sidles1 struts1 and hobbles through the country1 ,truth also begins to watch her adversary in every movement1 ,i cannot but think these lessons of ,augustus ,tomlinson peculiarly well-timed4 ,i add them as a fitting ,appendix to a ,novel that may not inappropriately be termed a ,treatise on ,social ,frauds2 and if they contain within them that evidence of diligent attention and that principle of good in which the satire of ,vice is only the germ of its detection1 they may not1 perchance1 pass wholly unnoticed2 nor be even condemned to that hasty reading in which the ,indifference of to-day is but the prelude to the ,forgetfulness of to-morrow4 ,,contents4 ,,maxims ,,on ,,the ,,popular ,,art ,,of ,,cheating1 ,illustrated by ,ten ,characters1 being an ,introduction to that noble ,science by which every ,man may become his own ,rogue ,,brachylogia3 ,on the ,morality taught by the ,rich to the ,poor ,emulation ,caution against the ,scoffers of 8,humbug0 ,popular ,wrath at ,individual ,imprudence ,dum deflnat ,amnis ,self-,glorifiers ,thought on ,fortune ,wit1 and ,truth ,auto-theology ,glorious ,constitution ,answer to the ,popular ,cant that ,goodness in a ,statesman is better than ,ability ,common-sense ,love1 and ,writers on ,love ,the ,great ,entailed ,the ,regeneration of a ,knave ,style ,,maxims ,,on ,,the ,,popular ,,art ,,of ,,cheating1 ,,illustrated ,,by ,,ten ,,characters2 ,,being ,,an ,,introduction ,,to ,,that ,,noble ,,science ,,by ,,which ,,every ,,man ,,may ,,become ,,his ,,own ,,rogue4 ,set a thief to catch a thief4---,proverb4 ,i4 ,whenever you are about to utter something astonishingly false1 always begin with1 8,it is an acknowledged fact10 etc4 ,sir ,robert ,filmer was a master of this method of writing4 ,thus1 with what a solemn face that great man attempted to cheat6 8,it is a truth undeniable that there cannot be any multitude of men whatsoever1 either great or small1 etc41 but that in the same multitude there is one man amongst them that in nature hath a right to be ,king of all the rest1--as being the next heir to ,adam60 ,,ii4 ,when you want something from the public1 throw the blame of the asking on the most sacred principle you can find4 ,a common beggar can read you exquisite lessons on this the most important maxim in the art of popular cheating4 8,for the love of ,god1 sir1 a penny60 ,,iii4 ,whenever on any matter1 moral1 sentimental1 or political1 you find yourself utterly ignorant1 talk immediately of 8,the ,laws of ,nature40 ,as those laws are written nowhere1--,locke--they are known by nobody4 ,should any ask you how you happen to know such or such a doctrine as the dictate of ,nature1 clap your hand to your heart and say1 8,here60 ,,iv4 ,yield to a man's tastes1 and he will yield to your interest4 ,v4 ,when you talk to the half-wise1 twaddle2 when you talk to the ignorant1 brag2 when you talk to the sagacious1 look very humble1 and ask their opinion4 ,,vi4 ,always bear in mind1 my beloved pupils1 that the means of livelihood depend not on the virtues1 but the vices of others4 ,the lawyer1 the statesman1 the hangman1 the physician1 are paid by our sins2 nay1 even the commoner professions--the tailor1 the coachmaker1 the upholsterer1 the wine-merchant--draw their fortunes1 if not their existence1 from those smaller vices1 our foibles4 ,vanity is the figure prefixed to the ciphers of ,necessity4 ,wherefore1 oh my beloved pupils6 never mind what a man's virtues are2 waste no time in learning them4 ,fasten at once on his infirmities4 ,do to the ,one as1 were you an honest man1 you would do to the ,many4 ,this is the way to be a rogue individually1 as a lawyer is a rogue professionally4 ,knaves are like critics1--,nullum simile est quod idem4--,,editor4--8flies that feed on the sore part1 and would have nothing to live on were the body in health40--,tatler4 ,,vii4 ,every man finds it desirable to have tears in his eyes at times1--one has a sympathy with humid lids4 ,providence hath beneficially provided for this want1 and given to every man1 in its divine forethought1 misfortunes painful to recall4 ,hence1 probably1 those human calamities which the atheist rails against6 ,wherefore1 when you are uttering some affecting sentiment to your intended dupe1 think of the greatest misfortune you ever had in your life2 habit will soon make the association of tears and that melancholy remembrance constantly felicitous4 ,i knew1 my dear pupils1 a most intelligent ,frenchman1 who obtained a charming legacy from an old poet by repeating the bard's verses with streaming eyes4 8,how were you able to weep at will80 asked ,i 7,i was young then1 my pupils74 8,je pensois10 answered he1 8a mon pauvre pere1 qui est mort40 ,the union of sentiment with the ability of swindling made that ,frenchman a most fascinating creature6 ,,viii4 ,never commit the error of the over-shrewd1 and deem human nature worse than it is4 ,human nature is so damnably good that if it were not for human art1 we knaves could not live4 ,the primary elements of a man's mind do not sustain us2 it is what he owes to 8the pains taken with his education10 and 8the blessings of civilized society60 ,,ix4 ,whenever you doubt1 my pupils1 whether your man be a quack or not1 decide the point by seeing if your man be a positive asserter4 ,nothing indicates imposture like confidence4 ,volney saith well1 8that the most celebrated of charlatans--,mahomet--and the boldest of tyrants begins his extraordinary tissue of lies by these words1 #8,there is no doubt in this book6'0 ,x4 ,there is one way of cheating people peculiar to the ,british ,isles1 and which1 my pupils1 ,i earnestly recommend you to import hither1--cheating by subscription4 ,people like to be plundered in company2 dupery then grows into the spirit of party4 ,thus one quack very gravely requested persons to fit up a ship for him and send him round the world as its captain to make discoveries2 and another patriotically suggested that ,l#aj1jjj should be subscribed--for what8--to place him in parliament6 ,neither of these fellows could have screwed an individual out of a shilling had he asked him for it in a corner2 but a printed list1 with 8,his ,royal ,highness0 at the top1 plays the devil with ,english guineas4 ,a subscription for individuals may be considered a society for the ostentatious encouragement of idleness1 impudence1 beggary1 imposture1 and other public virtues6 ,,xi4 ,whenever you read the life of a great man1 ,i mean a man eminently successful1 you will perceive all the qualities given to him are the qualities necessary even to a mediocre rogue4 8,he possessed10 saith the biographer1 8the greatest address namely1 the faculty of wheedling2 the most admirable courage namely1 the faculty of bullying2 the most noble fortitude namely1 the faculty of bearing to be bullied2 the most singular versatility namely1 the faculty of saying one thing to one man1 and its reverse to another2 and the most wonderful command over the mind of his contemporaries namely1 the faculty of victimizing their purses or seducing their actions40 ,wherefore1 if luck cast you in humble life1 assiduously study the biographies of the great1 in order to accomplish you as a rogue2 if in the more elevated range of society1 be thoroughly versed in the lives of the roguish3 so shall you fit yourself to be eminent6 ,,xii4 ,the hypocrisy of virtue1 my beloved pupils1 is a little out of fashion nowadays2 it is sometimes better to affect the hypocrisy of vice4 ,appear generously profligate1 and swear with a hearty face that you do not pretend to be better than the generality of your neighbours4 ,sincerity is not less a covering than lying2 a frieze great-coat wraps you as well as a ,spanish cloak4 ,,xiii4 ,when you are about to execute some great plan1 and to defraud a number of persons1 let the first one or two of the allotted number be the cleverest1 shrewdest fellows you can find4 ,you have then a reference that will alone dupe the rest of the world4 8,that ,mr4 ,lynx is satisfied10 will amply suffice to satisfy ,mr4 ,mole of the honesty of your intentions6 ,nor are shrewd men the hardest to take in2 they rely on their strength3 invulnerable heroes are necessarily the bravest4 ,talk to them in a business-like manner1 and refer your design at once to their lawyer4 ,my friend ,john ,shamberry was a model in this grand stroke of art4 ,he swindled twelve people to the tune of some thousands1 with no other trouble than it first cost him to swindle--whom do you think8--the ,secretary to the ,society for the ,suppression of ,swindling6 ,,xiv4 ,divide your arts into two classes1--those which cost you little labour1 those which cost much4 ,the first1--flattery1 attention1 answering letters by return of post1 walking across a street to oblige the man you intend to ruin2 all these you must never neglect4 ,the least man is worth gaining at a small cost4 ,and besides1 while you are serving yourself1 you are also obtaining the character of civility1 diligence1 and good-nature4 ,but the arts which cost you much labour--a long subservience to one testy individual2 aping the semblance of a virtue1 a quality1 or a branch of learning which you do not possess1 to a person difficult to blind1--all these never begin except for great ends1 worth not only the loss of time1 but the chance of detection4 ,great pains for small gains is the maxim of the miser4 ,the rogue should have more grandeur d'ame6--,greatness of soul4 ,,xv4 ,always forgive4 ,,xvi4 ,if a man owe you a sum of money--pupils though you be of mine1 you may once in your lives be so silly as to lend--and you find it difficult to get it back1 appeal1 not to his justice1 but to his charity4 ,the components of justice flatter few men6 ,who likes to submit to an inconvenience because he ought to do it1--without praise1 without even self--gratulation8 ,but charity1 my dear friends1 tickles up human ostentation deliciously4 ,charity implies superiority2 and the feeling of superiority is most grateful to social nature4 ,hence the commonness of charity1 in proportion to other virtues1 all over the world2 and hence you will especially note that in proportion as people are haughty and arrogant1 will they laud almsgiving and encourage charitable institutions4 ,,xvii4 ,your genteel rogues do not sufficiently observe the shrewdness of the vulgar ones4 ,the actual beggar takes advantage of every sore2 but the moral swindler is unpardonably dull as to the happiness of a physical infirmity4 ,to obtain a favour1 neglect no method that may allure compassion4 ,i knew a worthy curate who obtained two livings by the felicity of a hectic cough1 and a younger brother who subsisted for ten years on his family by virtue of a slow consumption4 ,,xviii4 ,when you want to possess yourself of a small sum1 recollect that the small sum be put into juxtaposition with a great4 ,i do not express myself clearly--take an example4 ,in ,london there are sharpers who advertise ,l#gj1jjj to be advanced at four per cent2 principals only conferred with4 ,the gentleman wishing for such a sum on mortgage goes to see the advertiser2 the advertiser says he must run down and look at the property on which the money is to be advanced2 his journey and expenses will cost him a mere trifle1--say1 twenty guineas4 ,let him speak confidently2 let the gentleman very much want the money at the interest stated1 and three to one but our sharper gets the twenty guineas1--so paltry a sum in comparison to ,l#gj1jjj though so serious a sum had the matter related to halfpence6 ,,xix4 ,lord ,coke has said3 8,to trace an error to its fountainhead is to refute it40 ,now1 my young pupils1 ,i take it for granted that you are interested in the preservation of error2 you do not wish it1 therefore1 to be traced to its fountain head4 ,whenever1 then1 you see a sharp fellow tracking it up1 you have two ways of settling the matter4 ,you may say1 with a smile1 8,nay1 now1 sir1 you grow speculative1--,i admire your ingenuity20 or else look grave1 colour up1 and say1 8,i fancy1 sir1 there is no warrant for this assertion in the most sacred of all authorities60 ,the ,devil can quote ,scripture1 you know2 and a very sensible ,devil it is too6 ,,xx4 ,rochefoucauld has said3 8,the hate of favourites is nothing else but the love of favour40 ,the idea is a little cramped2 the hate we bear to any man is only the result of our love for some good which we imagine he possesses1 or which1 being in our possession1 we imagine he has attacked4 ,thus envy1 the most ordinary species of hate1 arises from our value for the glory1 or the plate1 or the content we behold2 and revenge is born from our regard for our fame that has been wounded1 or our acres molested1 or our rights invaded4 ,but the most noisy of all hatreds is hatred for the rich1 from love for the riches4 ,look well on the poor devil who is always railing at coaches and four6 ,book him as a man to be bribed6 ,,xxi4 ,my beloved pupils1 few have yet sufficiently studied the art by which the practice of jokes becomes subservient to the science of swindlers4 ,the heart of an inferior is always fascinated by a jest4 ,men know this in the knavery of elections4 ,know it now1 my pupils1 in the knavery of life6 ,when you slap yon cobbler so affectionately on the back1 it is your own fault if you do not slap your purpose into him at the same time4 ,note how ,shakspeare 7whom study night and day1--no man hath better expounded the mysteries of roguery67 causes his grandest and most accomplished villain1 ,richard ,,iii41 to address his good friends1 the murderers1 with a jocular panegyric on that hardness of heart on which1 doubtless1 those poor fellows most piqued themselves1-- 8,your eyes drop millstones1 where fools' eyes drop tears-- ,i like you1 lads60 ,can't you fancy the knowing grin with which the dogs received this compliment1 and the little sly punch in the stomach with which ,richard dropped those loving words1 8,i like you1 lads60 ,,xxii4 ,as good-nature is the characteristic of the dupe1 so should good-temper be that of the knave2 the two fit into each other like joints4 ,happily1 good-nature is a ,narcissus1 and falls in love with its own likeness4 ,and good-temper is to good-nature what the ,florimel of snow was to the ,florimel of flesh1--an exact likeness made of the coldest materials4 ,,xxiii4 ,,being ,,the ,,praise ,,of ,,knavery4 ,a knave is a philosopher1 though a philosopher is not necessarily a knave4 ,what hath a knave to do with passions8 ,every irregular desire he must suppress2 every foible he must weed out2 his whole life is spent in the acquisition of knowledge3 for what is knowledge8--the discovery of human errors6 ,he is the only man always consistent yet ever examining2 he knows but one end1 yet explores every means2 danger1 ill-repute1 all that terrify other men1 daunt not him2 he braves all1 but is saved from all3 for ,i hold that a knave ceaseth to be the knave--he hath passed into the fool--the moment mischief befalls him4 ,he professes the art of cheating2 but the art of cheating is to cheat without peril4 ,he is teres et rotundas2 strokes fly from the lubricity of his polish1 and the shiftings of his circular formation4 ,he who is insensible of the glory of his profession1 who is open only to the profit1 is no disciple of mine4 ,i hold of knavery1 as ,plato hath said of virtue1 8,could it be seen incarnate1 it would beget a personal adoration60 ,none but those who are inspired by a generous enthusiasm will benefit by the above maxims1 nor 7and here ,i warn you solemnly from the sacred ground1 till your head be uncovered1 and your feet be bared in the awe of veneration7 enter with profit upon the following descriptions of character1--that ,temple of the ,ten ,statutes1 wherein ,i have stored and consecrated the most treasured relics of my travelled thoughts and my collected experience4 ,,ten ,,characters4 ,i4 ,the mild1 irresolute1 good-natured1 and indolent man4 ,these qualities are accompanied with good feelings1 but no principles4 ,the want of firmness evinces also the want of any peculiar or deeply rooted system of thought4 ,a man conning a single and favourite subject of meditation grows wedded to one or the other of the opinions on which he revolves4 ,a man universally irresolute has generally led a desultory life1 and never given his attention long together to one thing4 ,this is a man most easy to cheat1 my beloved friends2 you cheat him even with his eyes open4 ,indolence is dearer to him than all things2 and if you get him alone and put a question to him point blank1 he cannot answer1 ,no4 ,,ii4 ,the timid1 suspicious1 selfish1 and cold man4 ,generally a character of this description is an excellent man of business1 and would at first sight seem to baffle the most ingenious swindler4 ,but you have one hope1--,i have rarely found it deceive me1--this man is usually ostentatious4 ,a cold1 a fearful1 yet a worldly person has ever an eye upon others2 he notes the effect certain things produce on them2 he is anxious to learn their opinions1 that he may not transgress2 he likes to know what the world say of him2 nay1 his timidity makes him anxious to repose his selfishness on their good report4 ,hence he grows ostentatious1 likes that effect which is favourably talked of1 and that show which wins consideration4 ,at him on this point1 my pupils6 ,,iii4 ,the melancholy1 retired1 sensitive1 intellectual character4 ,a very good subject this for your knaveries1 my young friends1 though it requires great discrimination and delicacy4 ,this character has a considerable portion of morbid suspicion and irritation belonging to it1--against these you must guard2 at the same time its prevailing feature is a powerful but unacknowledged vanity4 ,it is generally a good opinion of himself1 and a feeling that he is not appreciated by others1 that make a man reserved2 he deems himself unfit for the world because of the delicacy of his temperament1 and the want of a correspondent insensibility in those he sees6 ,this is your handle to work on4 ,he is peculiarly flattered1 too1 on the score of devotion and affection2 he exacts in love1 as from the world1 too much4 ,he is a ,lara1 whose females must be ,medoras2 and even his male friends should be extremely like ,kaleds6 ,poor man6 you see how easily he can be duped4 ,mem4--,among persons of this character are usually found those oddities1 humours1 and peculiarities which are each a handle4 ,no man lives out of the world with impunity to the solidity of his own character4 ,every new outlet to the humour is a new inlet to the heart4 ,,iv4 ,the bold1 generous1 frank1 and affectionate man1--usually a person of robust health4 ,his constitution keeps him in spirits1 and his spirits in courage and in benevolence4 ,he is obviously not a hard character1 my good young friends1 for you to deceive2 for he wants suspicion1 and all his good qualities lay him open to you4 ,but beware his anger when he finds you out6 ,he is a terrible ,othello when his nature is once stung4 ,mem4--,a good sort of character to seduce into illegal practices2 makes a tolerable traitor or a capital smuggler4 ,you yourselves must never commit any illegal offence1--aren't there cat's-paws for the chestnuts8 ,as all laws are oppressions 7only necessary and often sacred oppressions1 which you need not explain to him71 and his character is especially hostile to oppression1 you easily seduce the person we describe into braving the laws of his country4 ,yes6 the bold1 generous1 frank1 and affectionate man has only to be born in humble life to be sure of a halter6 ,v4 ,the bold1 selfish1 close1 grasping man will in all probability cheat you1 my dear friends4 ,for such a character makes the master-rogue1 the stuff from which ,nature forms a ,richard the ,third4 ,you had better leave such a man quite alone4 ,he is bad even to serve4 ,he breaks up his tools when he has done with them4 ,no1 you can do nothing with him1 my good young men6 ,,vi4 ,the eating1 drinking1 unthoughtful1 sensual1 mechanical man1--the ordinary animal4 ,such a creature has cunning1 and is either cowardly or ferocious2 seldom in these qualities he preserves a medium4 ,he is not by any means easy to dupe4 ,nature defends her mental brutes by the thickness of their hide4 ,win his mistress if possible2 she is the best person to manage him4 ,such creatures are the natural prey of artful women2 their very stolidity covers all but sensuality4 ,to the ,samson-the ,delilah4 ,,vii4 ,the gay1 deceitful1 shrewd1 polished1 able man1--the courtier1 the man of the world4 ,in public and stirring life this is the fit antagonist1--often the successful and conquering rival of ,character ,v4 ,you perceive a man like this varies so greatly in intellect--from the mere butterfly talent to the rarest genius1 from the person you see at cards to the person you see in ,cabinets1 from the ----- to the ,chesterfield1 from the ,chesterfield to the ,pericles--that it is difficult to give you an exact notion of the weak points of a character so various4 ,but while he dupes his equals and his superiors1 ,i consider him1 my attentive pupils1 by no means a very difficult character for an inferior to dupe4 ,and in this manner you must go about it4 ,do not attempt hypocrisy2 he will see through it in an instant4 ,let him think you at once1 and at first sight1 a rogue4 ,be candid on that matter yourself2 but let him think you a useful rogue4 ,serve him well and zealously2 but own that you do so1 because you consider your interest involved in this4 ,this reasoning satisfies him2 and as men of this character are usually generous1 he will acknowledge its justice by throwing you plenty of sops1 and stimulating you with bountiful cordials4 ,should he not content you herein1 appear contented2 and profit in betraying him 7that is the best way to cheat him71 not by his failings1 but by opportunity4 ,watch not his character1 but your time4 ,,viii4 ,the vain1 arrogant1 brave1 amorous1 flashy character4 ,this sort of character we formerly attributed to the ,french1 and it is still more common to the ,continent than that beloved island which ,i shall see no more6 ,a creature of this description is made up of many false virtues2 above others1 it is always profuse where its selfishness is appealed to1 not otherwise4 ,you must find1 then1 what pleases it1 and pander to its tastes4 ,so will ye cheat it1--or ye will cheat it also by affecting the false virtues which it admires itself1--rouge your sentiments highly1 and let them strut with a buskined air2 thirdly1 my good young men1 ye will cheat it by profuse flattery1 and by calling it in especial 8the mirror of chivalry40 ,,ix4 ,the plain1 sensible1 honest man1--a favourable1 but not elevated specimen of our race4 ,this character1 my beloved pupils1 you may take in once1 but never twice4 ,nor can you take in such a man as a stranger2 he must be your friend or relation1 or have known intimately some part of your family4 ,a man of this character is always open1 though in a moderate and calm degree1 to the duties and ties of life4 ,he will always do something to serve his friend1 his brother1 or the man whose father pulled his father out of the ,serpentine4 ,affect with him no varnish2 exert no artifice in attempting to obtain his assistance4 ,candidly state your wish for such or such a service1 sensibly state your pretensions1 modestly hint at your gratitude4 ,so may you deceive him once1 then leave him alone forever6 ,x4 ,the fond1 silly1 credulous man1 all impulse and no reflection1--how my heart swells when ,i contemplate this excellent character6 ,what a ,canaan for you does it present6 ,i envy you launching into the world with the sanguine hope of finding all men such6 ,delightful enthusiasm of youth1--would that the hope could be realized6 ,here is the very incarnation of gullibility4 ,you have only to make him love you1 and no hedgehog ever sucked egg as you can suck him4 ,never be afraid of his indignation2 go to him again and again2 only throw yourself on his neck and weep4 ,to gull him once is to gull him always2 get his first shilling1 and then calculate what you will do with the rest of his fortune4 ,never desert so good a man for new friends2 that would be ungrateful in you6 ,and take with you1 by the way1 my good young gentlemen1 this concluding maxim3 ,men are like lands2 you will get more by lavishing all your labour again and again upon the easy than by ploughing up new ground in the sterile6 ,legislators1--wise1 good1 pious men1--the ,tom ,thumbs of moral science1 who make giants first1 and then kill them1--you think the above lessons villanous4 ,i honour your penetration4 ,they are not proofs of my villiany1 but of your folly6 ,look over them again1 and you will see that they are designed to show that while ye are imprisoning1 transporting1 and hanging thousands every day1 a man with a decent modicum of cunning might practise every one of those lessons which seem to you so heinous1 and not one of your laws could touch him6 ,,brachylogia2 ,,or1 ,,essays1 ,,critical1 ,,sentimental1 ,,moral1 ,,and ,,original4 ,,addressed ,,to ,,his ,,pupils ,,by ,,augustus ,,tomlinson4 ,the irony in the preceding essays is often lost sight of in the present4 ,the illness of this great man1 which happened while composing these little gems1 made him perhaps more in earnest than when in robust health4--,editor's ,note4 ,,on ,,the ,,morality ,,taught ,,by ,,the ,,rich ,,to ,,the ,,poor4 ,as soon as the urchin pauper can totter out of doors1 it is taught to pull off its hat1 and pull its hair to the quality4 8,a good little boy10 says the squire2 8there's a ha'penny for you40 ,the good little boy glows with pride4 ,that ha'penny instils deep the lesson of humility4 ,now goes our urchin to school4 ,then comes the ,sunday teaching1--before church1 which enjoins the poor to be lowly1 and to honour every man better off than themselves4 ,a pound of honour to the squire1 and an ounce to the beadle4 ,then the boy grows up2 and the ,lord of the ,manor instructs him thus3 8,be a good boy1 ,tom1 and ,i'll befriend you4 ,tread in the steps of your father2 he was an excellent man1 and a great loss to the parish2 he was a very civil1 hard-working1 well-behaved creature2 knew his station2 --mind1 and do like him60 ,so perpetual hard labour and plenty of cringing make the ancestral virtues to be perpetuated to peasants till the day of judgment6 ,another insidious distillation of morality is conveyed through a general praise of the poor4 ,you hear false friends of the people1 who call themselves ,liberals and ,tories1 who have an idea of morals half chivalric1 half pastoral1 agree in lauding the unfortunate creatures whom they keep at work for them4 ,but mark the virtues the poor are always to be praised for1--industry1 honesty1 and content4 ,the first virtue is extolled to the skies1 because industry gives the rich everything they have2 the second1 because honesty prevents an iota of the said everything being taken away again2 and the third1 because content is to hinder these poor devils from ever objecting to a lot so comfortable to the persons who profit by it4 ,this1 my pupils1 is the morality taught by the rich to the poor6 ,,emulation4 ,the great error of emulation is this3 we emulate effects without inquiring into causes4 ,when we read of the great actions of a man1 we are on fire to perform the same exploits1 without endeavouring to ascertain the precise qualities which enabled the man we imitate to commit the actions we admire4 ,could we discover these1 how often might we discover that their origin was a certain temper of body1 a certain peculiarity of constitution1 and that1 wish we for the same success1 we should be examining the nature of our bodies rather than sharpening the faculties of our minds1--should use dumbbells1 perhaps1 instead of books2 nay1 on the other hand1 contract some grievous complaint rather than perfect our moral salubrity4 ,who should say whether ,alexander would have been a hero had his neck been straight2 or ,boileau a satirist1 had he never been pecked by a turkey8 ,it would be pleasant to see you1 my beloved pupils1 after reading 8,quintus ,curtius10 twisting each other's throat2 or1 fresh from ,boileau1 hurrying to the poultry-yard in the hope of being mutilated into the performance of a second 8,lutrin40 ,,caution ,,against ,,the ,,scoffers ,,of 8,,humbug40 ,my beloved pupils1 there is a set of persons in the world1 daily increasing1 against whom you must be greatly on your guard2 there is a fascination about them4 ,they are people who declare themselves vehemently opposed to humbug1--fine1 liberal fellows1 clear-sighted1 yet frank4 ,when these sentiments arise from reflection1 well and good1--they are the best sentiments in the world2 but many take them up second hand4 ,they are very inviting to the indolence of the mob of gentlemen who see the romance of a noble principle1 not its utility4 ,when a man looks at everything through this dwarfing philosophy1 everything has a great modicum of humbug4 ,you laugh with him when he derides the humbug in religion1 the humbug in politics1 the humbug in love1 the humbug in the plausibilities of the world2 but you may cry1 my dear pupils1 when he derides what is often the safest of all practically to deride1--the humbug in common honesty6 ,men are honest from religion1 wisdom1 prejudice1 habit1 fear1 and stupidity2 but the few only are wise2 and the persons we speak of deride religion1 are beyond prejudice1 unawed by habit1 too indifferent for fear1 and too experienced for stupidity4 ,,popular ,,wrath ,,at ,,individual ,,imprudence4 ,you must know1 my dear young friends1 that while the appearance of magnanimity is very becoming to you1 and so forth1 it will get you a great deal of ill-will if you attempt to practise it to your own detriment4 ,your neighbours are so invariably1 though perhaps insensibly1 actuated by self-interest--self-interest--,mr4 ,tomlinson is wrong here2 but his ethics were too much narrowed to ,utilitarian principles4--,,editor4--is so entirely1 though every twaddler denies it1 the axis of the moral world--that they fly into a rage with him who seems to disregard it4 ,when a man ruins himself1 just hear the abuse he receives2 his neighbours take it as a personal affront6 ,,dum ,,defluat ,,amnis4 ,one main reason why men who have been great are disappointed1 when they retire to private life1 is this3 ,memory makes a chief source of enjoyment to those who cease eagerly to hope2 but the memory of the great recalls only that public life which has disgusted them4 ,their private life hath slipped insensibly away1 leaving faint traces of the sorrow or the joy which found them too busy to heed the simple and quiet impressions of mere domestic vicissitude4 ,,self-,,glorifiers4 ,providence seems to have done to a certain set of persons--who always view their own things through a magnifying medium1 deem their house the best in the world1 their gun the truest1 their very pointer a miracle--as ,colonel ,hanger suggested to economists to do2 namely1 provide their servants each with a pair of large spectacles1 so that a lark might appear as big as a fowl1 and a twopenny loaf as large as a quartern4 ,,thought ,,on ,,fortune4 ,it is often the easiest move that completes the game4 ,fortune is like the lady whom a lover carried off from all his rivals by putting an additional lace upon his liveries4 ,,wit ,,and ,,truth4 ,people may talk about fiction being the source of fancy1 and wit being at variance with truth4 ,now1 some of the wittiest things in the world are witty solely from their truth4 ,truth is the soul of a good saying4 8,you assert10 observes the ,socrates of modern times1 8that we have a virtual representation2 very well1 let us have a virtual taxation too60 ,here the wit is in the fidelity of the sequitur4 ,when ,columbus broke the egg1 where was the wit8 ,in the completeness of conviction in the broken egg4 ,,auto-,,theology4 ,not only every sect but every individual modifies the general attributes of the ,deity towards assimilation with his own character3 the just man dwells on the justice1 the stern upon the wrath2 the attributes that do not please the worshipper he insensibly forgets4 ,wherefore1 ,o my pupils1 you will not smile when you read in ,barnes that the pygmies declared ,jove himself was a pygmy4 ,the pious vanity of man makes him adore his own qualities under the pretence of worshipping those of his ,god4 ,,glorious ,,constitution4 ,a sentence is sometimes as good as a volume4 ,if a man ask you to give him some idea of the laws of ,england1 the answer is short and easy3 ,in the laws of ,england there are somewhere about one hundred and fifty laws by which a poor man may be hanged1 but not one by which he can obtain justice for nothing6 ,,answer ,,to ,,the ,,popular ,,cant ,,that ,,goodness ,,in ,a ,,statesman ,,is ,,better ,,than ,,ability4 ,as in the world we must look to actions1 not motives1 so a knave is the man who injures you2 and you do not inquire whether the injury be the fruit of malice or necessity4 ,place1 then1 a fool in power1 and he becomes unconsciously the knave4 ,mr4 ,addington stumbled on the two very worst and most villanous taxes human malice could have invented1--one on medicines1 the other on justice4 ,what tyrant's fearful ingenuity could afflict us more than by impeding at once redress for our wrongs1 and cure for our diseases8 ,mr4 ,addington was the fool in se1 and therefore the knave in office2 but1 bless you6 he never meant it6 ,,common-,,sense4 ,common-sense1--common-sense1--of all phrases1 all catchwords1 this is often the most deceitful and the most dangerous4 ,look1 in especial1 suspiciously upon common-sense whenever it is opposed to discovery4 ,common-sense is the experience of every day4 ,discovery is something against the experience of every day4 ,no wonder1 then1 that when ,galileo proclaimed a great truth1 the universal cry was1 8,pshaw6 common-sense will tell you the reverse40 ,talk to a sensible man for the first time on the theory of vision1 and hear what his common-sense will say to it4 ,in a letter in the time of ,bacon1 the writer1 of no mean intellect himself1 says3 8,it is a pity the chancellor should set his opinion against the experience of so many centuries and the dictates of common-sense40 ,common-sense1 then1 so useful in household matters1 is less useful in the legislative and in the scientific world than it has been generally deemed4 ,naturally1 the advocate for what has been tried1 and averse to what is speculative1 it opposes the new philosophy that appeals to reason1 and clings to the old which is propped by sanction4 ,,love1 ,,and ,,writers ,,on ,,love4 ,my warm1 hot-headed1 ardent young friends1 ye are in the flower of your life1 and writing verses about love1--let us say a word on the subject4 ,there are two species of love common to all men and to most animals1--,most animals2 for some appear insensible to the love of custom--one springs from the senses1 the other grows out of custom4 ,now1 neither of these1 my dear young friends1 is the love that you pretend to feel1--the love of lovers4 ,your passion1 having only its foundation 7and that unacknowledged7 in the senses1 owes everything else to the imagination4 ,now1 the imagination of the majority is different in complexion and degree in every country and in every age2 so also1 and consequently1 is the love of the imagination4 ,as a proof1 observe that you sympathize with the romantic love of other times or nations only in proportion as you sympathize with their poetry and imaginative literature4 ,the love which stalks through the 8,arcadia0 or 8,amadis of ,gaul0 is to the great bulk of readers coldly insipid or solemnly ridiculous4 ,alas6 when those works excited enthusiasm1 so did the love which they describe4 ,the long speeches1 the icy compliments1 expressed the feeling of the day4 ,the love madrigals of the time of ,shenstone1 or the brocade gallantries of the ,french poets in the last century1 any woman now would consider hollow or childish1 imbecile or artificial4 ,once the songs were natural1 and the love seductive4 ,and now1 my young friends1 in the year #ahbb1 in which ,i write1 and shall probably die1 the love which glitters through ,moore1 and walks so ambitiously ambiguous through the verse of ,byron2 the love which you consider now so deep and so true2 the love which tingles through the hearts of your young ladies1 and sets you young gentlemen gazing on the evening star1--all that love too will become unfamiliar or ridiculous to an after age2 and the young aspirings and the moonlight dreams and the vague fiddle-de-dees which ye now think so touching and so sublime will go1 my dear boys1 where ,cowley's ,mistress and ,waller's ,sacharissa have gone before1--go with the ,sapphos and the ,chloes1 the elegant 8charming fairs10 and the chivalric 8most beauteous princesses60 ,the only love-poetry that stands through all time and appeals to all hearts is that which is founded on either or both the species of love natural to all men1--the love of the senses1 and the love of custom4 ,in the latter is included what middle-aged men call the rational attachment1 the charm of congenial minds1 as well as the homely and warmer accumulation of little memories of simple kindness1 or the mere brute habitude of seeing a face as one would see a chair4 ,these1 sometimes singly1 sometimes skilfully blended1 make the theme of those who have perhaps loved the most honestly and the most humanly2 these yet render ,tibullus pathetic1 and ,ovid a master over tender affections2 and these1 above all1 make that irresistible and all-touching inspiration which subdues the romantic1 the calculating1 the old1 the young1 the courtier1 the peasant1 the poet1 the man of business1 in the glorious love-poetry of ,robert ,burns4 ,,the ,,great ,,entailed4 ,the great inheritance of man is a commonwealth of blunders4 ,one race spend their lives in botching the errors transmitted to them by another2 and the main cause of all political1 that is1 all the worst and most general1 blunders is this1--the same rule we apply to individual cases we will not apply to public4 ,all men consent that swindling for a horse is swindling1--they punish the culprit and condemn the fault4 ,but in a ,state there is no such unanimity4 ,swindling1 ,lord help you6 is called by some fine name2 and cheating grows grandiloquent1 and styles itself 8,policy40 ,in consequence of this there is always a battle between those who call things by their right names and those who pertinaciously give them the wrong ones4 ,hence all sorts of confusion4 ,this confusion extends very soon to the laws made for individual cases2 and thus in old ,states1 though the world is still agreed that private swindling is private swindling1 there is the ,devil's own difficulty in punishing the swindling of the public4 ,the art of swindling now is a different thing to the art of swindling a hundred years ago2 but the laws remain the same4 ,adaptation in private cases is innovation in public2 so1 without repealing old laws1 they make new4 ,sometimes these are effectual1 but more often not4 ,now1 my beloved pupils1 a law is a gun which if it misses a pigeon always kills a crow2 if it does not strike the guilty1 it hits some one else4 ,as every crime creates a law1 so in turn every law creates a crime2 and hence we go on multiplying sins and evils1 and faults and blunders1 till society becomes the organized disorder for picking pockets4 ,,the ,,regeneration ,,of ,a ,,knave4 ,a man who begins the world by being a fool often ends it by becoming a knave2 but he who begins as a knave1 if he be a rich man 7and so not hanged71 may end1 my beloved pupils1 in being a pious creature4 ,and this is the wherefore3 8a knave early0 soon gets knowledge of the world4 ,one vice worn out makes us wiser than fifty tutors4 ,but wisdom causes us to love quiet1 and in quiet we do not sin4 ,he who is wise and sins not can scarcely fail of doing good2 for let him but utter a new truth1 and even his imagination cannot conceive the limit of the good he may have done to man6 ,,style4 ,do you well understand what a wonderful thing style is8 ,i think not2 for in the exercises you sent me1 your styles betrayed that no very earnest consideration had been lavished upon them4 ,know1 then1 that you must pause well before you take up any model of style4 ,on your style often depends your own character1--almost always the character given you by the world4 ,if you adopt the lofty style1--if you string together noble phrases and swelling ,sonora1--you have expressed1 avowed1 a frame of mind which you will insensibly desire to act up to2 the desire gradually begets the capacity4 ,the life of ,dr4 ,parr is ,dr4 ,parr's style put in action2 and ,lord ,byron makes himself through existence unhappy for having accidentally slipped into a melancholy current of words4 ,but suppose you escape this calamity by a peculiar hardihood of temperament1 you escape not the stamp of popular opinion4 ,addison must ever be held by the vulgar the most amiable of men1 because of the social amenity of his diction2 and the admirers of language will always consider ,burke a nobler spirit than ,fox1 because of the grandeur of his sentences4 ,how many wise sayings have been called jests because they were wittily uttered6 ,how many nothings swelled their author into a sage1 ay1 a saint1 because they were strung together by the old hypocrite nun1--,gravity6 ,,the ,,end4