,,episodes ,,before ,,thirty ,,episodes ,,before ,,thirty ,by ,,algernon ,,blackwood ,,cassell ,,and ,,company1 ,,ltd ,london1 ,new ,york1 ,toronto and ,melbourne #aibc ,printed in ,great ,britain ,to ,,alfred ,h4 ,,louis ,,episodes ,,before ,,thirty ,,chapter ,i ,a strong emotion1 especially if experienced for the first time1 leaves a vivid memory of the scene where it occurred4 ,i see a room in a ,new ,york boarding-house4 ,i can touch the wooden bed1 the two gas-brackets beside the looking-glass1 the white door of the cupboard1 the iron 8register0 in the wall that let in heated air1 the broken sofa4 ,the view from the dirty windows towards the high roof of ,tony ,pastor's music hall in #adth ,street1 with a side glimpse of the trees in ,irving ,place1 show clearly4 ,the rattle of the ,broadway cable cars1 the clang of their bells1 still come to me through that stifling ,august air1 when the shade thermometer stood at a hundred1 with humidity somewhere about #ie per cent4 ,thoughts of the sea and mountains1 vainly indulged within those walls1 are easily remembered too4 ,the room ,i am writing in now seems less actual than the one in the ,east #aith ,street boarding-house1 kept by ,mrs4 ,bernstein1 a ,german ,jewess1 whose husband conducted his own orchestra in a ,second ,avenue restaurant4 ,though thirty years ago1 it is more clearly defined for me than ,lady ,x's dining-room where ,i dined last night1 and where the lady ,i took in said graciously1 8,i simply loved your ,blue ,lagoon10 which1 naturally1 ,i was able to praise unreservedly1 while leaving her with the illusion as long as possible that she had made friends with its gifted author4 ,and this detailed clarity is due1 ,i am sure1 to the fact that in that ,new ,york room ,i had my first experience of three new emotions1 each of which1 separately1 held horror4 ,horror draws its lines deep2 its pictures stand out in high relief4 ,in my case the horrors were1 perhaps minor ones1 but at the age of twenty-one--an exceptionally inexperienced twenty-one--they seemed important2 and the fact that they were combined entitles them to be considered major4 ,they were three in number3 the horror of loathsome vermin running over my body night after night1 the horror of hunger1 and the horror of living at close quarters with a criminal and degraded mind4 ,all1 as ,i said1 came together2 all were entirely new sensations4 8,close quarters10 too1 is used advisedly1 for not only was the room a small one1 the cheapest in a cheap house1 but it was occupied by three of us--three ,englishmen 8on their uppers10 three big ,englishmen into the bargain1 two of us standing #f feet #b inches1 the other #f feet #c inches in his socks4 ,we shared that room for many weeks1 taking our turn at sleeping two in the bed1 and one on the mattress we pulled off and kept hidden in the cupboard during the day4 ,mrs4 ,bernstein1 denying her blood1 won our affection by charging eight dollars only1 the price for two1 morning coffee included2 and ,mrs4 ,bernstein's face1 fat1 kindly1 perspiring1 dirty1 is more vivid in my memory after all these years than that of the lady last night who so generously mistook me for ,de ,vere ,stacpoole4 ,her voice even rings clear1 with its ,jewish lisp1 its guttural ,german1 its nasal twang thrown in3 8,i ask my hospand4 ,berhaps he let you stay anozzer week40 ,what the husband said we never knew4 ,he was usually too drunk to say anything coherent4 ,what mattered to us was that we were not turned out at the moment1 and that1 in the long run1 the good-hearted woman received her money4 ,certain objects in that room retain exceptional clarity in my mind4 ,if thought-pictures could be photographed1 a perfect print of the bed and gas-bracket could be printed from my memory4 ,with the former especially ,i associate the vermin1 the hunger1 and the rather tawdry criminal4 ,i could describe that bed down to the smallest detail2 ,i could draw it accurately1 even to the carving2 were ,i a carpenter ,i could make it4 ,all that ,i suffered in it1 of physical and mental anguish1 the vain longings and despair1 the hopes and fears1 the loneliness1 the feverish dreams--the entire dread panorama still hangs in the air between its stained brown foot and the broken sofa1 as though of yesterday4 ,i can see a tall man pass the end of it1 one eye on me and another on the door1 opening a razor slowly as he went4 ,i see the blue eyes narrowing in his white face1 the treachery of the coward twisting his lip into a smirk4 ,i can see him sleeping like a child beside me1 touching me4 ,moving stealthily about the room in the darkness too1 as1 thinking me asleep1 he stole on bare feet to recover the confession of forgery ,i had forced him to sign1 ,i can still see his dim outline1 and even hear his tread--a petty scoundrel unwittingly on his way to gaol4 ,the bed1 thus1 is vividly present in my memory4 ,by contrast with it1 not quite so sharp1 perhaps1 and a pleasanter feeling associated with it1 another ,new ,york sleeping-place rises in the mind--a bench in ,central ,park4 ,here1 however1 the humour of adventure softens the picture1 though at the time it did not soften the transverse iron arms which made it impossible to stretch out in comfort4 ,nor is there any touch of horror in it4 ,precise and detailed recollection fades4 ,the hoboes who shared it with me were companions1 even comrades of a sort1 and one did not feel them necessarily criminal or degraded4 ,they were 8on their uppers0 much as ,i was1 and far quicker than ,i was at the trick of suddenly sitting upright when the night policeman's tread was coming our way4 ,what thoughts they indulged in ,i had no means of knowing1 but ,i credited them with flitting backwards to a clean room somewhere and a soft white bed1 possibly to that ridiculous figure of immense authority1 a nurse1 just as my own flashed back to a night nursery in the ,manor ,house1 ,crayford1 ,kent4 ,that the seats ,i favoured were near the ,swings lent possibly another touch to the childhood's picture4 ,the memory1 anyhow1 is a sweeter one than that of the bed in ,east #aith ,street1 if less sharply defined4 ,the cool fresh air1 the dew1 the stars1 the smell of earth and leaves1 were all of them clean1 and no price asked at dawn4 ,yet the two--the bed and the bench--are somehow linked together in my mind1 the one invariably calling up the other2 and1 thanks to them probably1 no bed bothers me now1 lumpy or sloping though it be1 in train1 hotel1 or lodging4 ,i have slept in strange places since--high in the ,caucasus1 on the shores of the ,black ,sea1 on the ,egyptian desert1 on the banks of the ,danube1 in the ,black ,forest and ,hungary--but each time the effort to get comfortable brought back the bed and the bench1 and sleep soon followed to smother both4 ,the gas-brackets1 similarly1 rise vividly before my eyes1 associated with the pain1 the weariness of hunger2 not of true starvation1 but of weeks and months of under-nourishment1 caused by one meal a day4 ,the relation between hunger and gas-brackets may seem remote4 ,it was on the latter1 however1 that we learned to fix the metal top which made the flame spread in a circle round a light tin cooking-pot4 ,we boiled water for milkless tea in this way1 cooked porridge1 and when porridge was not to be had we heated water with dried apples in it4 ,i remember the day we discovered that it was more economical to eat the strips of dried apple first1 then drink the hot water that made them swell so comfortingly inside us4 ,they proved more filling that way1 the false repletion lasted longer1 the sense of bulk was more satisfying1 the gnawing ceased1 and the results1 if temporary1 at least made it possible to fall asleep4 ,there are other details of that sordid ,new ,york room which still retain their first disagreeable vividness1 each with the ghost--a very sturdy ghost--of the emotion that printed it indelibly in the mind4 ,these details are best mentioned1 however1 in their proper place and sequence4 ,it should first be told how we came to be there4 ,,chapter ,,ii ,we arrived in ,new ,york towards the end of ,october1 coming straight from five months in the ,canadian backwoods4 ,before that1 to mention myself first1 there had been a year in ,canada1 where1 even before the age of twenty-one1 ,i had made a living of sorts by teaching the violin1 ,french1 ,german1 and shorthand4 ,showing no special talent for any profession in particular1 and having no tastes that could be held to indicate a definite career1 ,i had come to ,canada three years before for a few weeks' trip4 ,my father1 in an official capacity1 had passes from ,liverpool to ,vancouver1 and we crossed in the ,etruria1 a ,cunarder which my mother had launched4 ,he was much fted and banqueted1 and the ,c4,p4,r4 bigwigs1 from ,lord ,strathcona and ,sir ,william van ,horne downwards1 showed him all attention1 placing an observation car at his disposal4 ,general ,james1 the ,new ,york postmaster1 gave a dinner in his honour at the ,union ,league ,club1 where ,i made my first and last speech--consisting of nine words of horrified thanks for coupling 8a chip of the old block10 as the proposer called me1 with the 8,chief of the ,british ,postal ,service40 ,a ludicrous wound to vanity helps it to stick in the mind--my father wore no braces1 and ,i copied him1 but--well1 in his case no belt was necessary1 whereas ,i was slim4 ,it suddenly dawned on me1 as ,i spluttered my brief words1 that a line of white was showing between my waistcoat and the top of my trousers4 ,the close of my speech was hurried1 my bow was cautious2 ,i was extremely relieved to sit down again4 ,in the lovely autumn weather1 we saw ,canada at its best1 and the trip decided my future4 ,my father welcomed it as a happy solution4 ,i came1 therefore1 to ,toronto at the age of twenty1 with #ajj a year allowance1 and a small capital to follow when ,i should have found some safe and profitable chance of starting life4 ,with me came--in the order of their importance--a fiddle1 the 8,bhagavad ,gita10 ,shelley1 8,sartor ,resartus10 ,berkeley's 8,dialogues10 ,patanjali's 8,yoga ,aphorisms10 de ,quincey's 8,confessions10 and--a unique ignorance of life4444 ,i served my first literary apprenticeship on the ,methodist ,magazine1 a monthly periodical published in ,toronto1 and before that licked stamps in the back office of the ,temperance and ,general ,life ,assurance ,company1 at nothing a week1 but with the idea of learning the business1 so that later ,i might bring out some ,english insurance company to ,canada4 ,the first taught me that1 just as ,i had no ambition to write1 so1 likewise1 ,i possessed no talent2 the second merely made articulate the dislike ,i felt for anything to do with ,business4 ,it was the three months in the insurance office that caused me to accept eagerly the job on the ,methodist ,magazine at four dollars a week1 and the reaction helped to make the work congenial if not stimulating4 ,the allowance of ten dollars a week was difficult to live on1 and ,i had been looking everywhere for employment4 ,it was through a daughter of ,sir ,thomas ,galt1 a friend of my father's on our previous trip to ,canada1 that ,i obtained this job--sixteen shillings a week1 hours ten to four4 ,dr4 ,withrow1 editor of the leading ,methodist magazine1 and of various ,christian ,endeavour periodicals for children and young people1 was a pleasant old gentleman1 who went about in a frock coat and slippers1 had a real sense of humour and a nice wife and daughter4 ,his editorial den was in his own little house1 and my duties were to write an article every month for the magazine1 which was illustrated1 and also to write a few descriptive lines of letterpress to accompany the full-page illustrations for the numerous ,christian ,endeavour and ,methodist periodicals for young people and children4 ,he taught me the typewriter1 and with my shorthand ,i took most of his letters at dictation1 and certainly earned my money4 ,my monthly articles in the magazine were on such subjects as ,christmas in ,england1 ,life at a ,moravian ,school1 ,the ,black ,forest1 ,travel in the ,alps--anything that my limited experience enabled me to describe at first-hand1 and on the whole the old gentleman seemed satisfied4 ,the description of the children's pictures1 however1 always made him chuckle1 though he never said why1 and ,i wrote dozens of these a day1 describing the picture of 8,king ,canute and the ,sea10 8,elijah in a ,chariot of ,fire10 8,a ,child ,blowing ,bubbles10 8,the ,wood-boring ,beetle10 etc4 etc4 ,he would dictate some of his articles of travel to me1 and ,i would take them down in shorthand1 and he often made such grotesque mistakes in facts that ,i quietly corrected these as ,i wrote1 and when ,i read out the sentence to him he would notice the alteration and look at me over his spectacles and say3 8,thank you4 ,yes1 ,i was wrong there4 ,the fact is1 ,i have so many articles to write that ,i compose two at a time in my mind1 and they get muddled up4 ,an editor should always be accurate1 and ,methodist readers are cranky and hard to please40 ,he was a ,methodist parson himself1 which did not prevent him saying exactly what he thought4 ,he lunched off dates and bananas1 which he kept in a bag beside his desk1 and that same desk was in such disorder that he never could find what he wanted1 and ,i was not surprised to learn that1 before ,i came1 the printers got the wrong papers1 and that many of the children's pictures got descriptions underneath that did not belong to them--for instance1 a boy blowing a bubble was published over a few lines describing the habits of snakes1 8as seen in our illustration10 and so forth4 ,i got on so well with the little ,methodist that he wanted to come to the evening ,french classes ,i was giving at fifty cents a lesson to some of the clerks in the insurance office1 and to bring his daughter with him4 ,he said a little more knowledge of ,french would be very good for him when he took his conducted tours of ,canadian ,methodists to ,switzerland2 but ,i did not rise to this1 and persuaded him to wait till ,i could get a more select class to meet1 perhaps1 at his own house1 where a girl could more suitably attend4 ,for1 to tell the truth1 some of my pupils had a habit of coming slightly drunk--or1 as they called it1 8with a jag on40 ,he1 however1 would not wait1 so ,i lost two good pupils6444 ,dr4 ,withrow1 patient little man of kindly disposition6 ,his faded black frock-coat1 his spectacles high on his puckered forehead1 his carpet slippers1 his tobacco-stained white beard1 his sincere beliefs and his striped trousers of a pattern ,i have always since labelled mentally as 8,methodist trousers0--it is a gentle little memory tucked away among unkinder ones1 and ,i still hear him giving me my first and only lesson how to write4 ,his paraphrase of 8fatal facility0 stays with me3 8,fluency means dullness1 unless the mind is packed with thought40 ,it stays with me because the conversation led to my asking if ,i might write an article for the monthly on the subject of ,buddhism4 ,behind it lay an ever keener desire to write something on ,hegel1 whose philosophy ,i felt certain was based on some personal experience of genuine mystical kind4 8,from what point of view80 he asked1 his forehead puckering with amazement4 8,that of belief10 ,i said1 my mind bursting with an eager desire to impart information1 if not also to convert4 ,he passed his hand across his forehead1 knocking the spectacles off4 ,then1 catching them with a fumbling motion which betrayed his perturbation1 he inquired3 8,but1 of course1 ,mr4 ,blackwood1 not your own80 ,the voice1 the eyes1 the whole attitude of the body made me realize he was prepared to be shocked1 if not already shocked4 8,yes10 ,i replied truthfully1 8my own4 ,i've been a ,buddhist for a long time40 ,he stared for some time at me without a word1 then smiled a kindly1 indulgent1 rather sceptical smile4 8,it would be hardly suitable10 he mentioned1 as ,i felt his whole being draw away from me as from something dangerous and unclean4 ,possibly1 of course1 he did not believe me2 ,i am sure he prayed for me4 ,our relations seemed less cordial after that2 he read most carefully every word ,i wrote in his magazine and children's pages1 but he never referred to the matter again4 ,my ,methodist job1 none the less1 was a happy one2 this first regular wage ,i had yet received in life gave me the pleasant sensation that ,i was launched4 ,my connexion with ,methodism ceased1 not because ,i was dismissed or had failed to give satisfaction 7indeed1 the editor had just told me my salary was to be raised671 but because all the capital ,i should ever have was sent to me about that time from ,england--about #b1jjj--;and ,i went into partnership with a farmer outside ,toronto and bought some forty head of pedigree ,jersey cattle4 ,,chapter ,,iii ,the ,islington ,jersey ,dairy1 ,messrs4 ,cooper and ,blackwood1 started business with a retail office in ,college ,street1 a number of milk carts bearing our names in black lettering upon a yellow background1 and the supply farm at ,islington1 a lovely little hamlet on the shores of ,lake ,ontario1 some six miles west of the city4 ,we sold rich ,jersey milk1 we sold eggs and butter too4 ,i gave picnics at our pretty little farm for customers ,i knew socially4 ,the upper floors of the building in ,college ,street we furnished1 letting bedrooms at a dollar a week to young ,englishmen1 clerks in offices1 and others4 ,i engaged an old1 motherly ,englishwoman1 ,mrs4 ',iggins1 with a face like a rosy apple1 to 8do0 for us--she made the beds and cooked the breakfast--while her pretty daughter1 in cap and apron1 was our dairymaid4 ,the plan did not work smoothly--the dairymaid was too pretty1 perhaps2 ,mrs4 ,higgins too voluble4 ,complaints came from all sides2 the lodgers1 wildish young fellows in a free and easy country1 made more promises than payments4 ,one wanted a stove1 another a carpet in his bedroom1 another complained about his bed4 ,i had my first experience of drink and immorality going on under my very eyes4444 ,trouble--though mercifully of another kind--spread then to the customers4 ,the milk began to go sour2 it was too rich2 it wouldn't keep2 the telephone rang all day long4 ,cooper1 an experienced dairy-farmer1 was at his wits' end2 every device for scouring the bottles1 for cooling the milk before bringing it twice a day to the city1 failed4 ,at dinner parties my hostess would draw me tactfully aside4 8,the milk1 ,i'm afraid1 ,mr4 ,blackwood10 she would murmur softly1 8was sour again this morning4 ,will you speak about it80 ,i spoke about it--daily--but ,alfred ,cooper's only comment was1 8,say1 have you got a bit more capital8 ,that's what we really want40 ,that sour milk became a veritable nightmare that never left me4 ,i had enough of milk4 ,yet1 later in life1 ,i found myself 8in milk0 again1 but that time it was dried milk1 a profitable business to the owners1 though it brought me nothing4 ,i worked six years at it for a bare living wage4 ,but1 at any rate1 it couldn't turn sour4 ,it was a powder4 ,alfred ,cooper was a delightful fellow4 ,i think some detail of how our partnership came to be may bear the telling4 ,it points a moral if it does not adorn a tale4 ,it may1 again1 prove useful to other young ,englishmen in ,canada similarly waiting with money to invest2 but on the other hand it may not1 since there can be few1 ,i imagine1 as green as ,i was then1 owing to a strange upbringing1 or as ignorant of even the simplest worldly practices4 ,of the evangelical training responsible for this criminal ignorance ,i will speak later4 ,cooper1 then1 was a delightful fellow1 fitting my ideal of a type ,i had read about--the fearless1 iron-muscled colonial white man who fought ,indians4 ,the way we met was quite simply calculated--by a clerk in the bank where my ,english allowance of #ajj a year was paid by my father4 ,the clerk and ,i made friends--naturally2 and one day--also naturally--he suggested a ,sunday walk to ,islington1 some six miles down the lake shore4 ,we could get tea at a farm he knew4 ,we did4 ,the praises of the ,cooper family1 who owned it1 had already been sung4 ,i was enchanted4 ,so1 doubtless1 was the clerk4 ,the farm was a small one--perhaps eight acres2 and ,cooper lived on it in poverty with his aged mother and unmarried sister4 ,it was charmingly situated1 the fields running down to the water1 pine copses dotting the meadows to the north1 and the little village church standing at one corner near the road4 ,mrs4 ,cooper1 in cap and apron1 dropping every 8h0 that came her way1 described to me how she and her husband had emigrated from ,england sixty years before1 in the days of sailing ships4 ,her husband's grave in the churchyard we could see from the window while we sat at tea--an unusually sumptuous tea for a farmhouse--and it was evident that she was more alive to the memories of half a century ago in the 8old country10 than to the plans of her ambitious son in the new colony4 ,the son came to tea too1 but a little late1 having obviously brushed himself up a bit for his visitor from ,england4 ,he was about forty years of age1 tall1 well-built1 keen-faced1 with steel-blue eyes and a hatchet nose1 and his body was just that combination of leanness1 strength and nervous alertness which made one think of a wolf4 ,he was extremely polite1 not to say flattering1 to me4 ,i thought him delightful1 his idyllic farm still more delightful2 he was so eager1 vigorous and hardy1 a typical pioneer1 slaving from dawn to sunset to win a living from the soil in order to support the family4 ,i trusted him1 admired him immensely4 ,having been duly prepared for the picture on our walk out1 ,i was not disappointed4 ,he spoke very frankly of the desperate work he and his sister were forced to do2 also of what he might do1 and what could be made of the farm1 if only he had a little capital4 ,i liked him2 he liked me2 the clerk liked us both4 ,he showed me round the farm after tea1 and his few ,jersey cows came up and nosed his hand4 ,the elderly sister1 a weaker repetition of himself1 joined us4 ,she1 too1 slaved from morning till night4 ,the old mother1 diminutive1 quiet1 brave1 devoted to her children yet with her heart in the old country she would never see again1 completed a charming picture in my mind4 ,i was invited to come again4 ,another picture1 still more alluring1 was set before me during the walk back1 the picture of what a 8little capital0 could do with that tiny farm4 ,the dairy business that could be worked up made me feel a rich man before the ,toronto spires became visible4 ,the desire to put capital into the ,islington ,jersey ,dairy became the one hope of my life4 ,would ,cooper agree8 ,would he accept me as a partner8 ,the suggestion came from myself4 ,the clerk1 of course1 had never dreamed of such a thing4 ,they might welcome me1 the clerk thought4 ,very kindly1 he said he would sound ,cooper about it and let me know4444 ,the scheme seemed such a perfect solution of my problem of earning a living1 that ,i was afraid up to the last moment something must happen to prevent it4 ,cooper would die1 or change his mind1 or one of my influential business friends would warn me not to do it4 ,i was so jealous of interference that ,i sought no advice4 ,without so much as a scratch of the pen between us the enterprise started4 ,so heartily did ,i like and trust my partner that when1 later1 wiser friends inquired about my contract with him1 it infuriated me4 8,contract6 ,a contract with ,alfred ,cooper60 ,we did a roaring trade at first4 ,our ,jersey milk was beyond all question the best in the town4 ,it was honest1 unwatered milk1 and our cream1 without any preservative added1 was so prized that we soon had more orders than we could fill4 ,why our milk and cream soured so readily1 losing us trade rapidly later1 is a mystery to me to this day4 ,within a few weeks of our starting business1 ,cooper convinced me that a model dairy building on the farm would be a desirable improvement2 it would save labour in various ways2 it was built4 ,the farm belonged to his mother1 not to him2 he kept the building when our collapse followed4 ,next1 his sister really must have someone to help her1 and that someone was provided at high wages4 ,business was good1 so good in fact that we could not supply orders4 ,extra milk must therefore be bought from neighbouring farmers4 ,this was done1 the contracts being made by ,cooper4 ,i never asked to see them4 ,the bills were paid every month without question on my part4 ,more grazing fields1 with enough artificial food to feed at least a hundred cows in addition1 these too had to be paid for4 ,as for the appetites of our forty animals1 ,i marvelled at them long before ,i became suspicious4 ,yet when1 after much insisting1 ,i saw one of the farmer's bills for extra milk1 it left me1 naturally1 no wiser than before1 and certainly not a whit more comforted1 for the less our trade became1 the more milk1 apparently1 those farmers sold us6 ,six months later the firm of ,cooper and ,blackwood dissolved partnership1 ,blackwood having got the experience and ,cooper having got--something quite as useful1 but more marketable4 ,cooper's ,i4,o4,u4 for five hundred dollars1 now stuck in an old scrap-book somewhere1 made me realize a little later how lucky it was that ,i had only a limited amount to lose4 ,yet1 though it seemed the end of the world to me1 my capital lost1 my enterprise a failure1 ,i recall the curious sense of relief with which ,i saw the last cow knocked down to some bidder from up-country4 ,from the very beginning ,i had hated the entire business4 ,i did not know a ,jersey from a ,shorthorn1 so to speak4 ,i knew nothing about farming1 still less about dairy-farming4 ,the year spent at ,edinburgh ,university to learn the agricultural trade had been wasted1 for1 instead1 ,i attended what interested me far more--the post-mortems1 operations1 lectures on pathology1 and the dissecting room4 ,my notebooks of ,professor ,wallace's lectures1 crammed as they were1 with entries about soil1 rotation of crops1 and drainage1 represented no genuine practical knowledge4 ,i knew nothing4 ,my father sent me out to ,canada to farm4 ,i went4 ,i farmed4 ,cooper and ,blackwood is carved upon the gravestone4 ,but the gravestone cost #b1jjj1 my share of the forced sale being about #fjj4 ,my ,canadian experience1 anyhow1 can be summed up in advice1 which is1 of course1 a bromide now3 let any emigrant young ,englishman earn his own living for at least five years in any colony before a penny of capital is given him to invest4 ,it was with this #fjj ,i soon after went into partnership with another man1 but this time an honest one4 ,we bought a small hotel in the heart of ,toronto4 ,it also lasted about six months4 ,when the crash came we lived together from ,may to ,october on a small island in a thirty-mile lake of the ,ontario hinterland2 we shared a long slice of difficult life together subsequently in ,new ,york2 we shared the horrors of ,east #aith ,street together4 ,he failed me only once1 missing a train a few years later by a couple of minutes4 ,it was the ,emigrant ,sleeper to ,duluth on ,lake ,superior1 en route for the ,rainy ,river ,gold ,fields1 where four of us had made sudden plans to try our fortunes4 ,i was on a ,new ,york paper at the time1 and had secured passes over the first fifteen hundred miles4 ,as the train drew out of the ,central ,station ,i saw my friend racing down the platform1 a minute too late6 ,from that day to this ,i have never set eyes on him again4 ,it was an abrupt end to a friendship cemented by hard times1 and my disappointment at losing his companionship was rather bitter at the time4 ,,chapter ,,iv ,at the time we met1 this friend of mine had been out from ,oxford--,new ,college1 ,i think--a year or so1 and with a ,cambridge man about his own age1 had been running a sporting goods shop in ,king ,street4 ,they sold the paraphernalia of cricket1 tennis1 boxing and the like1 but with no marked success4 ,the considerable money invested by the pair of them earned no interest4 ,john ,kay was impatient and dissatisfied2 the other had leanings towards the brokering trade1 as offering better opportunities4 ,both were ready to cut their losses1 realize1 and get out4 ,they did so1 remaining the best of friends4 ,and it was one day1 while these preliminary negotiations were being discussed in the back office1 where they muddled away the day between rare sales1 that ,kay said to me mysteriously3 8,look here1 ,i say--,i've got a wonderful scheme4 ,have you got any money left80 ,i mentioned the #fjj4 8,i call it a rotten shame10 he went on4 8,of course1 you've been swindled4 ,these people look upon us as their natural prey0--and he proceeded to describe his 8scheme0--to buy a small hotel which1 owing to its bad name1 was going cheap2 to work up a respectable business and a valuable goodwill2 then to sell out at a top price and retire with a comfortable fortune4 ,kay was twenty-three1 two years my senior2 to me1 then1 he seemed an experienced man of business1 almost elderly4 ,the scheme took my breath away4 ,it was very tempting4 ,the failure of the dairy farm had left me despondent2 ,i felt disgraced2 the end of life1 it seemed1 had come4 ,i was ready to grasp at anything that held out hopes of a recovery of fortune4 ,but an hotel6 ,i hesitated4 8,i know nothing about running an hotel10 ,i objected4 8,neither do ,i--yet10 was the sanguine answer1 8but we can learn4 ,it's only common sense and hard work4 ,we can hire a good manager and engage a first-class cook40 8,how many rooms are there80 8,only thirteen4 ,it's the bar where we shall make the money40 8,the bar----60 8,there are two bars1 one on the main street and another on the back4 ,billy ,bingham has made the place too hot to hold him4 ,his licence is to be withdrawn4 ,he's got to get out4 ,we can get his licence transferred to us all right1 if we promise to make the place respectable4 ,we'll have good food1 a first-rate lunch counter for the business men1 we can let the big rooms for club dinners and society banquets1 and there's a #ajj per cent4 profit1 you know1 on liquor4 ,we'll make the ,hub the best #8joint' in the town4 ,all the fellows will come4 ,a year will do it4 ,then we'll sell out44440 ,i was not listening4 ,the word 8liquor0--,i had never touched alcohol in my life--made such a noise in my mind that ,i could hear nothing else4 8,my father10 ,i mentioned in a faint voice1 8is a public man at home4 ,he's a great temperance reformer4 ,he speaks and writes against drink4 ,he's brought me up that way4 ,it would be a terrible shock to him if his son made money out of a bar40 ,the hotel scheme1 indeed1 seemed to me an impossibility4 ,a picture of the ,temperance meetings held in our country house flashed through my mind4 ,i glanced down at my coat1 on whose lapel1 until recently1 there had been a little strip of blue ribbon1 signifying that ,i was a member of the ,band of ,hope which included several million avowed teetotallers4 8,don't you see1 old chap80 ,i explained further4 8,it would simply break his heart1 and my mother's too40 8,he need never know anything about it10 came the answer at once4 8,why should he8 ,our names needn't appear at all4 ,we'll call ourselves the #8,hub ,wine ,company1 ,limited4'0 ,my head was swimming1 my mind buzzing with conflicting voices as we walked down ,king ,street to inspect the premises4 ,i ached to re-establish my position4 ,the prospect of a quick recovery of fortune was as sweet a prize as ever tempted a green youth like myself4 ,my partner1 too1 this time would be a 8gentleman10 a fellow my father might have invited to dine and play tennis2 it was my appalling ignorance of life that gave to his two years' seniority some imagined quality of being a man much older than myself1 and one who knew what he was about4 ,the character of the proposed enterprise1 of course1 had no effect at all upon the judgment4 ,to be known as a successful hotel proprietor was a legitimate ambition4 ,my father's stern judgment of philanthropists who preached temperance while owning distilleries or holding brewery shares--,i knew it word for word--was quite forgotten4 ,only the little personal point of view was present3 8,i've been an ass4 ,i must make good4 ,here's a chance1 a certainty1 of getting money4 ,i must take it4 ,it's my ,karma40 ,we strode down ,king ,street together1 past the corner of ,yonge ,street1 below the windows of the hated ,temperance and ,general ,life ,assurance ,company where ,i had licked stamps1 and on towards the ,hub ,hotel4 ,the ,toronto air was fresh and sweet1 the lake lay blue beyond1 the sunlight sparkled4 ,something exhilarating and optimistic in the atmosphere gave thought a happy and sanguine twist4 ,it was a day of ,indian summer1 a faint perfume of far-distant forest fires adding a pleasant touch to the familiar smell of the cedar-wood sidewalks4 ,a mood of freedom1 liberty1 great spaces1 fine big enterprises in a free country where everything was possible1 of opportunities seized and waves of fortune taken on their crest--,i remember this mood as sharply still1 and the scent of a wood-fire or a cedar pencil recalls it as vividly still1 as though ,i had experienced it last week4 ,i glanced at my companion4 ,i liked him1 trusted him4 ,there was a happy light in his frank blue eyes4 ,he was a good heavy-weight boxer too4 ,the very man1 ,i felt1 for a bold enterprise of this sort4 ,he talked the whole way4 ,he was describing how we might increase the fortune we should draw out of our successful venture in a year's time1 when we passed ,tim ,sullivan1 standing at the door of his1 a rival1 saloon1 and exchanged a nod with him4 ,the ,irishman had a shadow on his face4 8,he's heard about it10 whispered ,kay1 with a chuckle4 8,he'll look glummer still when he sees all his customers coming across the way to us60 ,turning down a narrow side street1 the ,hub blocked the way1 a three-story building with a little tower1 clean windows1 and two big swinging doors4 ,it ran through to a back street where there was another entrance4 8,here it is10 said ,kay1 in the eager1 happy voice of a man who has just inherited a family mansion and come to inspect it4 8,this is the ,hub where we shall make our fortune40 ,it seemed to me ,i had entered an entirely new world4 ,everything was spotless4 ,the rows of bottles and glasses1 the cash-register and brass taps glittered in the sunlight that fell through coloured windows4 ,the perfume of stale liquor was not as disagreeable as it sounds4 ,in one sense the whole place looked as harmless as the aisle of some deserted church4 ,i stood just inside those swing-doors1 which had closed behind me1 with a strange feeling of gazing at some den of vice reconstructed in the ,chamber of ,horrors at ,madame ,tussaud's4 ,empty and innocent as the bar might appear1 however1 there was a thrill of adventure1 even of danger1 about it that reached my mind1 with a definite shock of dread4 8,nice1 airy premises1 with plenty of room10 ,kay's cheery voice came to me from a distance4 8,this is the principal bar4 ,twenty men could line up easily4 ,it'll want four bar-tenders4444 ,there's another bar at the end4 ,there'll be a few fights there before we've done4 ,the dining-room lies through that archway just between the two40 ,he walked away1 passing along the length of the room and down three steps into a narrower1 darker bar beyond1 where the shadows hid him4 ,but his voice still reached me3 8,it's on the back street1 this bar10 he called4 8,this is for the hoi polloi4 ,we shall want a chucker out4444 ,here's the private door leading to the upstairs dining-room we'll let out for banquets4 ,we'll have our own bedrooms and sitting-room on the first floor too44440 ,his voice roared on2 ,i heard1 but did not answer2 ,i had not moved an inch from my place against the swing-doors4 ,he had not1 of course1 the faintest idea what was passing through my mind at the moment2 and1 had ,i told him1 he would only have laughed good-naturedly and talked of the money we should make4 ,the fact was1 however1 that the whole of my early up-bringing just then came at me with a concentrated driving-force which made the venture seem absolutely impossible4 8,we'll call this one the ,house of ,commons10 he bawled delightedly2 8and that one--the front bar--the ,house of ,lords4 ,we shall take #bej dollars a day easily60 ,the shock1 the contrast1 the exaggerated effect of entering a saloon for the first time in my life1 especially with the added possibility of shortly becoming its proprietor1 were natural enough4 ,my unworldliness1 even at twenty-one1 was abnormal4 ,not only had ,i never smoked tobacco nor touched alcohol of any description1 but ,i had never yet set foot inside a theatre2 a race-course ,i had never seen1 nor held a billiard cue1 nor touched a card4 ,i did not know one card from another4 ,any game that might involve betting or gambling was anathema4 ,in other ways1 too1 ,i had been sheltered to the point of ignorance4 ,i had never even danced4 ,to hold a young woman round the waist was not alone immodest but worse than immodest4 ,this peculiarly sheltered up-bringing1 this protected hot-house of boyhood and early youth to which a drinking bar was the vestibule of hell1 and a music-hall an invention of a personal devil1 are necessary to understand the reaction produced in me as ,i stood in ,billy ,bingham's 8joint40 ,i stood1 literally1 on the brink of 8the downward path40 ,i heard my father's voice1 ,i saw my mother's eyes4444 ,in very definite form ,i now faced 8worldly temptation0 they had so often warned me against4 ,accompanying an almost audible memory of 8,get thee behind me1 ,satan10 drove a crowded kaleidoscope of vivid pictures from those sheltered years4 ,my parents were both people of marked character1 with intense convictions2 my mother1 especially1 being a woman of great individuality1 of iron restraint1 grim humour1 yet with a love and tenderness1 and a spirit of uncommon sacrifice1 that never touched weakness4 ,she possessed powers of mind and judgment1 at the same time1 of which my father1 a public servant--financial secretary to the ,post ,office--availed himself to the full4 ,she had great personal beauty4 ,a young widow1 her first husband having been the #fth ,duke of ,manchester1 also of the evangelical persuasion1 she met my father at ,kimbolton soon after his return from the ,crimean ,war1 where he had undergone that religious change of heart known to the movement as 8conversion40 ,from a man of fashion1 a leader in the social life to which he was born1 he changed with sudden completeness to a leader in the evangelical movement1 then approaching its height4 ,he renounced the world1 the flesh1 the devil and all their works4 ,the case of 8,beauty ,blackwood10 to use the nickname his unusual handsomeness gained for him1 was1 in its way1 notorious4 ,he became a teetotaller and non-smoker1 wrote devotional books1 spoke in public1 and held drawing-room prayer meetings1 the ,bible always in his pocket1 communion with ,god always in his heart4 ,his religion was genuine1 unfaltering1 consistent and sincere4 ,he carried the war into his own late world of fashion4 ,he never once looked back4 ,he knew a vivid joy1 a wondrous peace1 his pain being for others only1 for those who were not 8saved40 ,the natural1 instinctive type he was1 asserted its claim4 ,he became a genuine saint4 ,also1 to the very end1 he remained that other delightful thing1 possible only to simple hearts1 a boy4 ,both my parents1 thus1 believed in ,jesus1 with a faith of that simple1 unshakable order that could feel no doubts4 ,their lives were consistent and1 as must always be the case when fine characters are possessed of a perfectly sincere faith1 they stood out in the world of men and women as something strong and beautiful4 ,edmund ,gosse1 in 8,father and ,son10 has described the mental attitude of the type2 ,william ,james might1 equally1 have included my father's case as a typical 8conversion0 in his 8,varieties of ,religious ,experience40 ,the effect upon the children--there were five of us--followed naturally4 ,my father1 apart from incurring much public odium owing to his official position1 found himself1 and us with him1 cut off from the amenities of the social life to which we were otherwise born4 ,ordinary people1 8worldly0 as he called them1 left us alone4 ,a house where no wine was served at dinner1 where morning and evening prayers were de rigueur1 a guest even being asked to 8lead in prayer0 perhaps1 and where at any suitable moment you might be drawn aside and asked 8,have you given your soul to ,jesus80 was not an attractive house to stay in4 ,we were ostracized4 ,the effect of such disabilities upon us in later life was not considered1 for it was hoped each and all of us would consecrate ourselves to ,god4 ,we were1 thus1 kept out of the 8world0 in every possible sense and brought up1 though with lavish love and kindness1 yet in the narrowest imaginable evangelical path which scents danger in knowledge of any kind not positively helpful to the soul4 ,i1 personally1 at that time1 regarded the temptations of the world with a remote pity1 and with a certainty that ,i should never have the least difficulty in resisting them4 ,men who smoked and drank and were immoral1 who gambled1 went to theatres and music-halls and race-meetings1 belonged to the submerged and unworthy portion of mankind4 ,i1 in this respect at least1 was of the elect1 quite sure that the weakness of their world could never stain me personally4 ,yet ,i never shared the beliefs of my parents with anything like genuine pleasure4 ,i was afraid they were true1 not glad4 ,without wholeheartedly sharing my father's faith1 however1 his religious and emotional temperament1 with its imperious need of believing something1 he certainly bequeathed to me4444 ,the evangelical and revivalist movement1 at any rate1 was the dominant influence in my boyhood's years4 ,people were sharply divided into souls that were saved and those that were--not saved4 ,moody and ,sankey1 the ,american ,revivalists1 stayed in our house4 ,i was particularly influenced in this direction by a group of young ',varsity men who worked with ,moody1 and who were manly fellows1 good cricketers1 like the ,studd brothers1 or ,stanley ,smith and ,montague ,beauchamp1 men who had rowed in their ,university boats1 and who were far removed from anything effeminate4 ,of course ,i thought that what these men did could not be otherwise than fine and worth copying1 and ,i lost no time in attacking everyone ,i met and asking the most impertinent questions about their souls and fallen natures4 ,by some lucky chance no one kicked me to death--probably because most of my evangelizing work was done at home6 ,my old nurse ,i implored to yield herself up to the ,saviour1 and ,i felt my results were very poor in her case because ,i only got affectionate caresses and smiles1 and even observations about the holes in my clothes1 in return4 ,the fat butler 7,i assured him7 was going headlong down the kitchen stairs to everlasting fire because he showed no symptoms of ecstasy when he met my pleadings with 8,o1 ,i'm sure ',e died for me all right1 ,master ,algie4 ,i don't feel a bit afraid60 ,but all this was genuine so far as ,i was concerned1 and it lasted a considerable time1 to my father's great joy1 though not so much1 ,i think1 to my mother's4 ,she read far deeper into things4444 ,in a short time ,i came to look upon the whole phenomena of 8conversion10 so far as my type of mind and character was concerned1 with distrust and weariness4 ,only the very topmost layer of my personality was affected2 evidently1 there was no peace or happiness for me that way6 ,none the less1 ,i had one or two terrible moments2 one 7,i was reading with a private tutor in ,somerset for ,edinburgh ,university7 when ,i woke in the very early morning with a choking sensation in my throat1 and thought ,i was going to die4 ,it must have been merely acute indigestion1 but ,i was convinced my last moment had come1 and fell into a sweating agony of fear and weakness4 ,i prayed as hard as ever ,i could1 swearing to consecrate myself to ,god if ,he would pull me through4 ,i even vowed ,i would become a missionary and work among the heathen1 than which1 ,i was always told1 there was no higher type of manhood4 ,but the pain and choking did not pass1 and in despair ,i got up and swallowed half a bottle of pilules of aconite which my mother1 an ardent homopathist1 always advised me to take after sneezing or cold shivers4 ,they were sweet and very nice1 and the pain certainly began to pass away1 but only to leave me with a remorse that ,i had allowed a mere human medicine to accomplish naturally what ,god wished to accomplish by ,his grace4 ,he had been so slow about it1 however1 that ,i felt also a kind of anger that ,he could torture me so long1 and as it was the aconite that cured me1 and not ,his grace1 ,i was certainly released from my promise to become a missionary and work among the heathen4 ,and for this small mercy ,i was duly thankful1 though the escape had been a rather narrow one4 ,a year and a half in a school of the ,moravian ,brotherhood in the ,black ,forest1 though it showed me another aspect of the same general line of belief1 did not wholly obliterate my fear of hell1 with its correlated desire for salvation4 ,the poetry of the semi-religious life in that remote village set among ancient haunted forests1 gave to natural idealistic tendencies another turn4 ,the masters1 whom we termed ,brother1 were strenuous1 devoted1 self-sacrificing men1 all later to go forth as ,missionaries to ,labrador4 ,humbug1 comfort1 personal ambition played no part in their lives4 ,the ,liebesmahl in their little wooden church1 for all its odd simplicity1 was a genuine and impressive ceremony that touched something in me no church service at home1 with ,sankey's hymns on a bad harmonium1 had ever reached4 ,at this ,communion ,service1 or ,love ,feast1 sweet1 weak tea in big white thick cups1 followed by a clothes-basket filled with rolls1 were handed round1 first to the women1 who sat on one side of the building1 and then to the men and boys on the other side4 ,there was a collective reality about the little ceremony that touched its sincerity with beauty4 ,similarly was ,easter morning beautiful1 when we marched in the early twilight towards the little cemetery among the larch trees and stood with our hats off round an open grave1 waiting in silence for the sunrise4 ,the air was cool and scented1 our mood devotional and solemn4 ,there was a sense of wonder among us4 ,then1 as the sun slipped up above the leagues of forest1 the ,eight ,brothers1 singing in parts1 led the ninety boys in the great ,german hymn1 8,christus ist auferstanden44440 ,the surroundings1 too1 of the school influenced me greatly4 ,those leagues of ,black ,forest rolling over distant mountains1 velvet-coloured1 leaping to the sky in grey cliffs1 or passing quietly like the sea in immense waves1 always singing in the winds1 haunted by elves and dwarfs and peopled by charming legends--those forest glades1 deep in moss and covered in springtime with wild lily-of-the-valley2 those tumbling streams that ran for miles unseen1 then emerged to serve the peasants by splashing noisily over the clumsy water-wheel of a brown old sawmill before they again lost themselves among the mossy pine roots2 those pools where water-pixies dwelt1 and those little red and brown villages where we slept in our long walks--the whole setting of this ,moravian school was so beautifully simple that it lent just the proper atmosphere for lives consecrated without flourish of trumpets to ,god4 ,it all left upon me an impression of grandeur1 of loftiness1 and of real religion 444 and of a ,deity not specially active on ,sundays only4 ,,chapter ,v ,these notes aim at describing merely certain surface episodes1 and would leave unmentioned of set purpose those inner activities which pertain to the intimate struggles of a growing soul4 ,there is a veil of privacy which only in rarest cases of exceptional value should be lifted4 ,that honesty1 moreover1 which is an essential of such value1 seems almost unattainable4 ,only a diary1 written at the actual time and intended for no one's eye1 can hope to achieve the naked sincerity1 which could make it useful to lift that veil4 ,yet1 even with these surface episodes1 something of the background against which they danced and vanished must be sketched2 to understand them1 something of the individual who experienced them must be known4 ,this apology for so much use of the personal pronoun is made once for all4 ,the failure of the evangelical ,christian teaching either to attract deeply or to convince1 has been indicated4 ,an eager1 impressionable mind lay empty and unstimulated4 ,it fed upon insipid stuff1 such as ,longfellow1 ,mrs4 ,hemans1 goody-goody stories1 and thousands of religious tracts4 ,it was the days of yellow-backs in three volumes1 of ,ouida especially1 of ,miss ,braddon1 and ,wilkie ,collins2 but novels were strictly forbidden in the house4 ,lewis ,carroll1 which my father often read aloud1 and ,foxe's 8,book of ,martyrs10 which made every ,roman ,catholic priest seem ominous1 were our imaginative fiction4 ,but my chief personal delight was ,hebrew poetry1 the ,psalms1 the ,song of ,solomon1 above all the ,book of ,job 7which ,i devoured alone7--these moved me in a different way and far more deeply4 ,the mind1 meanwhile1 without being consciously aware of it1 was searching with eager if unrewarded zeal1 until one day ,fate threw a strange book in its way--,patanjali's 8,yoga ,aphorisms10 a translation from the ,sanskrit4 ,i was about seventeen then1 just home from a year and a half in the ,moravian ,brotherhood ,school in the ,black ,forest4 ,i shall never forget that golden ,september day when the slight volume1 bound in blue1 first caught my eye4 ,it was lying beside a shiny black bag on the hall table1 and the bag belonged1 ,i knew1 to a ,mr4 ,scott1 who had come to spend a week with us and to hold a series of meetings under my father's auspices in the village hall4 ,mr4 ,scott was an ardent revivalist4 ,he was also--this ,i grasped even at the time--a cadaverous mass of religious affectations4 ,he was writing a brochure1 ,i learned later1 to warn ,england that ,satan was bringing dangerous ,eastern teachings to the ,west1 and this book was a first proof of the ,fiend's diabolical purpose4 ,i opened it and read a few paragraphs in the hall4 ,i did not understand them1 though they somehow held my mind and produced a curious sense of familiarity1 half of wonder1 half of satisfaction4 ,a deeper feeling than ,i had yet known woke in me4 ,i was fascinated4444 ,my father's voice calling me to tennis interrupted my reading1 and ,i dropped the book1 noticing that it fell behind the table4 ,hours later1 though the bag was gone1 the book lay where it had fallen4 ,i stole it4 ,i took it to bed with me and read it through from cover to cover4 ,i read it twice1 three times2 bits of it ,i copied out2 ,i did not understand a word of it1 but a shutter rushed up in my mind1 interest and joy were in me1 a big troubling emotion1 a conviction that ,i had found something ,i had been seeking hungrily for a long time1 something ,i needed1 something that1 in an odd way1 almost seemed familiar4 ,i repeat--,i did not understand a word of it1 while yet the meaningless phrases caught me with a revolutionary power4 ,as ,i read and re-read till my candles guttered1 there rose in me a dim consciousness1 becoming more and more a growing certainty1 that what ,i read was not entirely new4 ,so strong was this that it demanded audible expression4 ,in that silent bedroom1 dawn not far away1 ,i can hear myself saying aloud3 8,but ,i've known all this before--only ,i've forgotten it40 ,even the ,sanskrit words1 given phonetically in brackets1 had a familiar look4 ,shutter after shutter rose1 8lifting a veil and a darkness10 letting in glimpses of a radiant and exciting light4 ,though the mind was too untaught to grasp the full significance of these electric flashes1 too unformed to be even intelligently articulate about them1 there certainly rushed over my being a singular conviction of the unity of life everywhere and in everything--of its one-ness4 ,that objects1 the shifting appearance of phenomena1 were but a veil concealing some intensely beautiful reality--the beauty shining and divine1 the reality bitingly1 terrifically actual--this poured over me with a sense of being not so much dis-covered as re-covered4 ,ignorant as ,i was1 without facts or arguments or reason to support me1 this ,i knew4 ,it is possible the awakening consciousness fringed some state of ecstasy during that long communing with ancient things4444 ,the house1 at any rate1 was still dark1 but sunrise not long to come1 when at length ,i stole down into the deserted hall and replaced the little book upon the table4 ,those ,yoga aphorisms of a long-dead ,hindu sage1 set between a golden ,september evening and a guttering candle1 marked probably the opening of my mind4444 ,the entire paraphernalia of my evangelical teaching thenceforth began to withdraw4 ,though my father's beliefs had cut deep enough to influence me for many years to come1 their dread1 with the terror of a personal ,satan and an actual ,hell1 grew less from that moment4 ,the reality of the dogmas was impaired4 ,here was another outlook upon life1 another explanation of the world2 caprice was eliminated and justice entered2 the present was the result of the past1 the future determined by the present2 ,i must reap what ,i had sown1 but1 also1 ,i could sow what ,i wished to reap4 ,hope was born4 ,apart from this was that curious deep sense of familiarity with these ,eastern teachings1 as with something ,i understood and in which ,i felt at home4444 ,cautiously1 ,i put indirect questions to my father1 who at once--the clumsy questions betraying me--detected ,satan's subtle handiwork4 ,he was grave and troubled4 ,with affectionate solicitude he told me1 finally1 a story of nave horror1 intended to point the warning4 ,a young man1 who suffered from repeated epileptic fits1 had tried every doctor and specialist in vain1 when1 as a last resort1 he followed some friend's counsel of despair1 and consulted a medium4 ,the medium1 having conferred with his familiar1 handed the patient a little locket which he was to wear day and night about his neck1 but never on any account to open4 ,the spell that would save him from a repetition of his fits lay inside1 but he must resist to the death the curiosity to read it4 ,to the subsequent delight and amazement of everybody1 the fits abruptly ceased2 the man was cured2 until one day1 after years of obedience1 curiosity overcame him2 he opened the brief inscription1 and fell down in a fit--dead4 ,the wording1 minutely written in red ink1 ran as follows3 8,let him alone till he drop into ,hell60 ,the warning1 above all the story1 acted as a stimulus instead of the reverse4 ,yet another strange door was set ajar2 my eyes1 big with wonder and questions1 peered through4 8,earth's ,earliest ,ages10 by ,g4 ,h4 ,pember1 an evangelical1 but an imaginative evangelical1 was placed in my hands1 accompanied by further solemn warnings4 ,pember1 a writer of the prophetic school1 had style1 imagination1 a sense of the marvellous1 a touch of genuine drama too2 he used suggestion admirably1 his ,english was good1 he had proportion1 he knew where to stop4 ,as a novelist of fantastic kind--an evangelical ,wells1 a 8converted0 ,dunsany--he might have become a best-seller4 ,he had1 moreover1 a theme of high imaginative possibilities1 based upon a sentence in ,genesis 7vi4 #b7--8,the ,sons of ,god saw the ,daughters of men that they were fair 444 and took to themselves wives from among them 444 and there were giants in the earth in those days44440 ,these ,sons of ,god were some kind of higher beings1 mighty spirits1 angels of a sort2 but rather fallen angels2 their progeny formed a race apart from humans2 for some reason1 now slipped from my memory1 ,pember was convinced that this unlawful procreation was being resumed in modern days4 ,the ,nephilim1 as he called them1 were aiming at control of the world1 ,anti-,christ1 a gorgeous but appalling figure1 naturally1 at their head4 ,it was a magnificent theme2 he treated it1 within the limits he set himself1 with ingenious conviction4 ,the danger was imminent2 the human race1 while shuddering1 must be on its guard4 ,in the night1 in the twinkling of an eye1 the catastrophe might come4 ,signs the ,nephilim brought with them were spiritualism1 theosophy1 the development of secret powers latent in man1 a new and awful type of consciousness1 magic1 and all the rest of the 8occult0 movement that was beginning to show its hydra head about this time4 ,in a moment ,moody went to the bottom of the class1 and ,pember reigned in his stead4 ,by hook or by crook ,i obtained the books that ,pember signalled as so dangerously subversive of the truth3 8,magic ,black and ,white0 by ,dr4 ,franz ,hartmann2 8,the ,perfect ,way10 by ,anna ,kingsford and ,edward ,maitland2 8,esoteric ,buddhism10 by ,a4 ,p4 ,sinnett2 8,voice of the ,silence10 by ,mabel ,collins2 8,the ,bhagavad ,gita10 from the ,upanishads2 and ,emma ,hardinge ,britten's 8,history of ,american ,spiritualism40 ,my first delicious alarm lest the sky might fall any moment1 and ,satan appear with the great and terrible ,nephilim princes to rule the world1 became less threatening4444 ,soon afterwards1 too1 ,i happened upon my first novel1 ,laurence ,oliphant's 8,massollam10 followed1 a good deal later1 by his 8,scientific ,religion0 and his 8,sympneumata40 ,this history of his amazing subservience to ,thomas ,luke ,harris helped to peel another thin skin from my eyes2 ,oliphant seemed a hero1 but ,harris a vile humbug4 ,by this time other books had brought grist to the mill as well3 ,amiel's 8,journal ,intime02 ,drummond's 8,natural ,law in the ,spiritual ,world0--,i knew ,professor ,drummond later1 when he came to stay with us1 and also when he lectured to the students at ,edinburgh on ,sunday nights1 coming from his ,glasgow ,chair for the purpose3 ,i can still see his large1 glowing1 far-seeing eyes--,cahagnet's 8,arcanes de la ,vie ,future02 and 8,animal ,magnetism10 by ,binet and ,fr4 ,the experiments of ,braid1 and ,dr4 ,esdaille in ,india1 had also come my way4 ,such one-sided reading1 of course1 fed the growing sense of wonder1 naturally strong in any case2 ,shelley coloured it2 and nothing offered itself at the time to curb1 shape or qualify it4 ,spiritualism1 apart from the exciting phenomena it promised with such confident volubility1 left me rather unstirred1 but theosophy1 of course1 ,i swallowed whole1 with its ,mahatmas1 development of latent powers1 memory of past lives1 astral consciousness1 and description of other beings both superior and inferior to man4 ,it was some years before scientific reading came to check and guide a too exuberant imagination2 but1 even so ,i have always taken ideas where ,i found them1 regardless of their propounders2 if ,tibet and its shining ,mahatmas faded1 the theories of ,karma and reincarnation were older than any modern movement1 and the belief in extension of consciousness to some nth degree1 with its correlative of greater powers and new faculties1 have not only remained with me1 but have justified themselves4 ,the 8,gita10 too1 remains the profoundest world-scripture ,i have ever read4 ,an immediate1 happy result of this odd reading1 at any rate1 ,i recall with pleasure3 my father's ,christianity became splendid in my eyes4 ,i realized1 even then1 that it satisfied his particular and individual vision of truth1 while the fact that he lived up to his beliefs nobly and consistently woke a new respect and admiration in me4444 ,by far the strongest influence in my life1 however1 was ,nature2 it betrayed itself early1 growing in intensity with every year4 ,bringing comfort1 companionship1 inspiration1 joy1 the spell of ,nature has remained dominant1 a truly magical spell4 ,always immense and potent1 the years have strengthened it4 ,the early feeling that everything was alive1 a dim sense that some kind of consciousness struggled through every form1 even that a sort of inarticulate communication with this 8other life0 was possible1 could ,i but discover the way--these moods coloured its opening wonder4 ,nature1 at any rate1 produced effects in me that only something living could produce2 though not till ,i read ,fechner's 8,zend-,avesta10 and1 later still1 ,james's 8,pluralistic ,universe10 and ,dr4 ,r4 ,m4 ,bucke's 8,cosmic ,consciousness0 did a possible meaning come to shape my emotional disorder4 ,fairy tales1 in the meanwhile bored me4 ,real facts were what ,i sought4 ,that these existed1 that ,i had once known them but had now forgotten them1 was thus an early imaginative conviction4 99 99 99 99 99 ,this tendency showed itself even in childhood4 ,we had left the ,manor ,house1 ,crayford1 and now lived in a delightful house at ,shortlands1 in those days semi-country4 ,it was the time of my horrible private schools--,i went to four or five--but the holidays afforded opportunities4444 ,i was a dreamy boy1 frequently in tears about nothing except a vague horror of the practical world1 full of wild fancies and imagination and a great believer in ghosts1 communings with spirits and dealings with charms and amulets1 which latter ,i invented and consecrated myself by the dozen4 ,this was long before ,i had read a single book4 ,i loved to climb out of the windows at night with a ladder1 and creep among the shadows of the kitchen garden1 past the rose trees and under the fruit-tree wall1 and so on to the pond where ,i could launch the boat and practise my incantations in the very middle among the floating weeds that covered the surface in great yellow-green patches4 ,trees grew closely round the banks1 and even on clear nights the stars could hardly pierce through1 and all sorts of beings watched me silently from the shore1 crowding among the tree stems1 and whispering to themselves about what ,i was doing4 ,i cannot say ,i ever believed actually that my spells would produce any results1 but it pleased and thrilled me to think that they might do so2 that the scum of weeds might slowly part to show the face of a water-nixie1 or that the forms hovering on the banks might flit across to me and let me see their outline against the stars4 ,everything ,i did and felt in this way was evolved out of my inner consciousness1 and even after ,i had passed into long trousers ,i loved the night1 the shadows1 empty rooms and haunted woods4 ,on returning from these nightly expeditions to the pond1 the sight of the old country-house against the sky always excited me strangely4 ,three cedars of ,lebanon flanked it on the side ,i climbed out1 towering aloft with their great funereal branches1 and ,i thought of all the people asleep in their silent rooms1 and wondered how they could be so dull and unenterprising1 when out here they could see these sweeping branches and hear the wind sighing so beautifully among the needles4 ,these people1 it seemed to me at such moments1 belonged to a different race4 ,i had nothing in common with them4 ,night and stars and trees and wind and rain were the things ,i had to do with and wanted4 ,they were alive and personal1 stirring my depths within1 full of messages and meanings1 whereas my parents and sisters and brother1 all indoors and asleep1 were mere accidents1 and apart from my real life and self4 ,my friend the under-gardener always took the ladder away early in the morning4 ,sometimes an elder sister accompanied me on these excursions4 ,she1 too1 loved mystery1 and the peopled darkness1 but she was also practical4 ,on returning to her room in the early morning we always found eggs ready to boil1 cake and cold plum-pudding perhaps1 or some such satisfying morsels to fill the void4 ,she was always wonderful to me in those days4 ,very handsome1 dark1 with glowing eyes and a keen interest in the undertaking1 she came down the ladder and stepped along the garden paths more like a fairy being than a mortal1 and ,i always enjoyed the event twice as much when she accompanied me4 ,in the day-time she faded back into the dull elder sister and seemed a different person altogether4 ,i never reconcile the two4 ,this childish manifestation of an overpowering passion changed later1 in form1 of course1 but not essentially much in spirit4 ,forests1 mountains1 desolate places1 especially perhaps open spaces like the prairies or the desert1 but even1 too1 the simple fields1 the lanes1 and little hills1 offered an actual sense of companionship no human intercourse could possibly provide4 ,in times of trouble1 as equally in times of joy1 it was to ,nature ,i ever turned instinctively4 ,in those moments of deepest feeling when individuals must necessarily be alone1 yet stand at the same time in most urgent need of understanding companionship1 it was ,nature and ,nature only that could comfort me4 ,when the cable came1 suddenly announcing my father's death1 ,i ran straight into the woods4444 ,this call sounded above all other calls1 music coming so far behind it as to seem an 8also ran40 ,even in those few1 rare times of later life1 when ,i fancied myself in love1 this spell would operate--a sound of rain1 a certain touch of colour in the sky1 the scent of a wood-fire smoke1 the lovely cry of some singing wind against the walls or window--and the human appeal would fade in me1 or1 at least1 its transitory character become pitifully revealed4 ,the strange sense of a oneness with ,nature was an imperious and royal spell that over-mastered all other spells1 nor can the hint of comedy lessen its reality4 ,its religious origin appears1 perhaps1 in the fact that sometimes1 during its fullest manifestation1 a desire stirred in me to leave a practical1 utilitarian world ,i loathed and become--a monk6 ,another effect1 in troubled later years especially1 was noticeable2 its dwarfing effect upon the events1 whatever they might be1 of daily life4 ,so intense1 so flooding1 was the elation of joy ,nature brought1 that after such moments even the gravest worldly matters1 as well as the people concerned in these1 seemed trivial and insignificant4 ,nature introduced a vaster scale of perspective against which a truer proportion appeared4 ,there lay in the experience some cosmic touch of glory that1 by contrast1 left all else commonplace and unimportant4 ,the great gods of wind and fire and earth and water swept by on flaming stars1 and the ordinary life of the little planet seemed very small1 man with his tiny passions and few years of struggle and vain longings1 almost futile4 ,one's own troubles1 seen in this new perspective1 disappeared1 while1 at the same time1 the heart filled with an immense understanding love and charity towards all the world--which1 alas1 also soon disappeared4 ,it is difficult to put into intelligible1 convincing words the irresistible character of this ,nature-spell that invades heart and brain like a drenching sea1 and produces a sense of rapture1 of ecstasy1 compared to which the highest conceivable worldly joy becomes merely insipid4444 ,heat from this magical source was always more or less present in my mind from a very early age1 though1 of course1 no attempt to analyse or explain it was then possible2 but1 in bitter years to come1 the joy and comfort ,nature gave became a real and only solace4 ,when possession was at its full height1 the ordinary world1 and my particular little troubles with it1 fell away like so much dust2 the whole fabric of men and women1 commerce and politics1 even the destinies of nations1 became a passing show of shadows1 while the visible and tangible world showed itself as but a temporary and limited representation of a real world elsewhere whose threshold ,i had for a moment touched4 ,others1 of course1 have known similar experiences1 but1 being better equipped1 have understood how to correlate them to ordinary life4 ,richard ,jefferies explained them4 ,whitman tasted expansion of consciousness in many ways2 ,fechner made a grandiose system of them2 ,edward ,carpenter deliberately welcomed them2 ,jacob ,boehme1 ,plotinus1 and many others have tried to fix their nature and essence in terms1 respectively1 of religion and philosophy2 and ,william ,james has reviewed them with an insight as though he had had experienced them himself4 ,whatever their value1 they remain authentic1 the sense of oneness of life their common denominator1 a conviction of consciousness pervading all forms everywhere their inseparable characteristic4 ,if ,kentish gardens saw the birth of this delight1 the ,black ,forest offered further opportunities for its enjoyment1 and a year in a village of the ,swiss ,jura ,mountains to learn ,french--,i often wandered all night in the big pine forests without my tutor1 a bee-keeping pasteur1 at ,ble1 near ,neuchtel1 discovering my absence--intensified it4 ,without it something starved in me4 ,it was a persistent craving1 often a wasting nostalgia1 that cried for satisfaction as the whole body cries for covering when cold1 and ,nature provided a companionship1 a joy1 a bliss1 that no human intercourse has ever approached1 much less equalled4 ,it remains the keenest1 deepest sensation of its kind ,i have known4444 ,here1 in ,toronto1 opportunities multiplied1 and just when they were needed3 in times of difficulty and trouble the call of ,nature became paramount2 during the vicissitudes of dairy and hotel the wild hinterland behind the town1 with its lakes and forests1 were a haven often sought4 ,among my friends were many1 of course1 who enjoyed a day 8in the country10 but one man only who understood a little the feelings ,i have tried to describe1 even if he did not wholly share them4 ,this was ,arnold ,haultain1 a married man1 tied to an office all day long1 private secretary to ,goldwin ,smith 7whose life1 ,i think1 he subsequently wrote71 and editor of a weekly periodical called ,the ,week4 ,he was my senior by many years4444 ,at three in the morning1 sometimes1 he would call for me at the dairy in ,college ,street1 and we would tramp out miles to enjoy the magic of sunrise in a wood north of the city4 ,and such an effort was only possible to a soul to whom it was a necessity4444 ,the intensity of early dreams and aspirations1 what energy lies in them6 ,in later life1 though they may have solidified and become part of the character1 that original fiery energy is gone4 ,a dreadful doggerel ,i wrote at this time1 ,haultain used in his paper1 and its revealing betrayal of inner tendencies is the excuse for its reproduction here4 ,it appeared the same week its author bought the ,hub ,hotel and started business with ,kay1 as 8,the ,hub ,wine ,company40 ,,lines ,,to ,a ,,dreamer ,o change all this thinking1 imagining1 hoping to be2 ,change dreaming to action and work2 there's a ,god in your will4 ,self-mastery and courage and confidence make a man free1 ,and doing is stronger than dreaming for good or for ill4 ,then make a beginning2 don't lie like an infant and weep4 ,begin with the dearest and crush some delight-giving sin ,right out of your life1 with a purpose of death before sleep2 ,a passion controlled is an index of power within4 ,some hard self-denial2 let no one suspect it at all4 ,with ruthless self-torture continue1 nor half an inch yield1 ,step fearless and bravely2 hold on and believe--you won't fall2 ,companions you've none but the best on this grim battlefield4 ,stagnation means death4 ,if you cannot advance you retreat2 ,steel purpose maintain2 let it be the first aim of your life2 ,beware of those mushroom resolves as impulsive as fleet1 ,and remember1 the nobler the end the more deadly the strife4 ,for the hope that another may save you is coward and vain1 ,and the ladder1 by which you must climb to yon far starry height1 ,is of cast-iron rungs from the furnace of suffering and pain4 ,then forward2 and courage6 from darkness to truth's golden light4 ,,chapter ,,vi ,the pictures that have occupied two chapters1 flashed and vanished1 lasting a few moments only4 ,it was ,kay's voice that interrupted them3 8,this is my partner1 ,mr4 ,blackwood10 he was saying1 as he came from the dining-room door1 accompanied by an undersized little man with sharp1 beady eyes set in a face like a rat's1 with deep lines upon a skin as white as paper4 ,i shook hands with ,billy ,bingham1 proprietor of the ,hub1 the man whose disreputable character had made it a disgrace to the ,city of ,churches4 ,of the conversation that followed1 though ,i heard every word of it1 only a blurred memory remained when we left the building half an hour later4 ,i was in two worlds--innocent ,kent and up-to-date ,toronto--while ,kay and ,bingham talked4 ,mysterious phrases chased pregnant business terms in quick succession3 ,goodwill1 stock in hand1 buying liquor at thirty days1 cash value of the licence1 and heaven knows what else besides4 ,kay was marvellous1 ,i thought4 ,the sporting goods business had apparently taught him everything4 ,two hundred per cent4 profit1 rapid turn over1 sell out at top price1 were other vivid sentences ,i caught in part1 while ,i stared and listened1 feigning no doubt a comprehension that was not mine4 ,the glow of immense success to come1 at any rate1 shone somehow about the nasty face of that cunning little ,billy ,bingham1 as he painted our future in radiant colours4 ,kay was beaming4 8,a short period of horror10 ,i remember thinking1 for the sanguine fires lit me too1 8and we shall be independent men6 ,it's probably worth it4 ,canada's a free country4 ,what's impossible at home is possible here4 ,opportunities must be seized44460 ,then ,bingham's white face retreated1 his beady eyes became twin points of glittering light1 and another picture slid noiselessly before them4 ,euston ,station a few short months ago1 myself tightly wedged in a crowded third-class carriage1 the train to ,liverpool slowly moving out1 and my father's tall figure standing on the platform--this picture hid the ,hub and ,bingham and ,john ,kay4 ,the serious blue eyes1 fixed on mine with love and tenderness1 could not conceal the deep anxiety they betrayed for my future4 ,behind them1 though actually at the ,manor ,house1 ,crayford1 fixed on a page of the ,bible1 or perhaps closed in earnest prayer1 the eyes of my mother rose up too4444 ,the train moved faster1 the upright figure and the grave1 sad face1 though lit by a momentary smile of encouragement1 were hidden slowly by the edge of the carriage window4 ,i was too shy to wave my hand1 and far too sensitive of what the carriage-full of men would think if ,i moved to the window and spoke1 or worse1 gave the good-bye kiss ,i burned to give4 ,so the straight line of that implacable wooden sash slid across both face and figure1 cutting our stare cruelly in the middle4 ,it was the last time ,i saw my father2 a year later he was dead2 and ten years were to pass before ,i saw my mother again4 ,before this--to look ahead for a second--some enterprising ,toronto friend1 with evangelical tact1 wrote to my father 444 8your son is keeping a tavern10 and my father1 calling my brother into his study where he laid all problems before his ,god with prayer1 told him in a broken voice and with tears in his eyes3 8,he is lost2 his soul is lost4 ,algie has gone to--,hell60444 ,my vision faded4 ,my broad-shouldered friend and his little rat-faced companion stood with their elbows on the bar4 ,i saw six small glasses and a big dark bottle4 ,three of the former were filled to the brim with neat rye whisky1 the other three1 8the chasers0 as they were called1 held soda-water4 8,drink hearty10 rasped ,bingham's grating voice1 as he tossed down his liquor at a gulp1 ,kay doing the same1 then swallowing the soda-water4 ,i moved to the swing-doors4 ,i had never touched spirits1 and loathed the mere smell of them4 ,i cannot pretend that any principle was involved2 it was simply that the mere idea of swallowing raw whisky gave me nausea4 ,i saw ,kay give me a quick look4 8,he'll be offended if you don't take something10 it said plainly4 ,i was1 besides1 familiar with the customs of the country1 at any rate in theory4 8,have something else10 invited ,bingham1 8if you don't like it straight40 ,i shook my head1 mumbling something about it's being too early in the day1 and ,i shall never forget the look that came into that cunning little face4 ,but he was not offended4 ,he put his hand on ,kay's arm4 8,now1 see here10 he said with seriousness1 8that's dead right4 ,that's good business every time4 ,never drink yourselves1 and you'll make it a success4 ,your partner's got the right idea1 and ,i tell you straight3 never touch a drop of liquor till after closing hours4 ,you'll be asked to drink all day long4 ,everybody will want to drink with the new management4 ,every customer that walks in will say #8,what's yours8' before you even know his name4 ,now1 see here1 boys1 listen to me--you can't do it6 ,you'll be blind to the world before eleven o'clock4 ,i tell you1 and ,i know60 8,how are you to refuse80 asked ,kay4 8,i'll give you a tip3 drink tea60 8,tea60 8,have your bottle of tea4 ,tell your bar-tenders4 ,it's the same colour as rye whisky4 ,no one'll ever know4 ,the boss can always have his own private bottle4 ,well1 yours is tea4 ,see80 ,and he winked with a leer like some intelligent reptile4 ,we shook hands1 as he saw us into the street4 8,you'll take a cheque1 ,i suppose80 ,i heard ,kay say just before we moved off4 8,a marked cheque1 yes10 was the reply4 ,the phrase meant that the bank marked the cheque as good for the amount4 8,it's all fixed then10 returned ,kay4 8,all fixed10 said ,bingham1 and the swing-doors closed upon his unpleasant face as we went out into the street4 ,,chapter ,,vii ,the influences that decided the purchase of the ,hub were emotional1 at any rate1 not rational2 there lay some reaction in me1 as of revolt4 8,you can do things out here you could not do at home10 ran like a song through the heart all day long1 and life seemed to hold its arms wide open4 ,fortunes were quickly made4 ,speculation was rife4 ,pork went up and wheat went down1 and thousands were made or lost in a few hours4 ,no enterprise was despised1 provided it succeeded4 ,all this had its effect upon an impressionable and ignorant youth whose mind now touched so-called real life for the first time4 ,the example of others had its influence1 too4 ,the town was sprinkled with young ,englishmen1 but untrained ,englishmen the country did not need1 though it needed their money2 and this money they speedily exchanged1 just as ,i had done1 for experience--and then tried to find work4 ,the pathos of it all was1 though1 that for an average young ,englishman to find a decent job was impossible4 ,i was among the unsuccessful ones4 ,kay was another1 but ,kay and myself were now--we thought--to prove the exception4 8,we'll show 'em60 was the way ,kay's sanguine twenty-three years phrased it4 ,we both knew men of splendid education and real ability1 earning precarious livings in positions that would have been ludicrous if they were not so pathetic4 ,men from ,oxford and ,cambridge1 with first rate classical training1 were slinging drinks behind bars1 or running about the country persuading the farmers to insure their stacks and outhouses2 others with knowledge of languages and pronounced literary talent were adding figures in subordinate positions in brokers' offices4 ,but by far the greater number were working as common labourers for small farmers all over the country4 8,they missed their chance when it came10 ,kay repeated4 8,we won't miss ours4 ,a chance like the ,hub won't come twice40 ,a year of disagreeable1 uncongenial work and then--success6 ,retire6 ,off to the primeval woods1 canoes1 ,indians1 camp fires1 books 444 a dozen dreams flamed up4 ,within a month we had completed the purchase1 and the ,hub opened with flying colours and high hopes2 the newspapers gave us what they called a 8send off02 both 8,house of ,lords0 and 8,house of ,commons0 were packed2 the cash-registers clicked and rang all day1 and the ,hub1 swept and garnished1 fairly sparkled with the atmosphere of success1 congratulations1 and promise of good business4 ,billy ,bingham's association with it was a thing of the past2 it became the most respectable place of its kind in the whole town4 ,all day long the shoal of customers flocked in and rattled their money across the busy counters4 ,each individual wanted a word with the proprietors4 ,buyers and brewery agents poured in too1 asking for orders1 and newspaper reporters took notes for descriptive articles which duly appeared next morning4 ,the dining-room did a roaring trade and every stool at the long lunch counter had its occupant4 ,how easy it all seemed6 ,and no one the worse for liquor6 ,everybody was beaming1 and1 as a partner in the ,hub ,wine ,company1 ,i already felt that my failure in the dairy farm was forgotten1 an unlucky incident at most2 a boyish episode due to inexperience1 but now atoned for4 ,lord ,dufferin1 a few years before1 had been ,governor-,general of ,canada1 and a huge framed photograph of him hung above the cold meat1 game pies and salads of the lunch counter4 ,a connexion of my father's1 the newspapers had insisted upon a closer relationship1 and while some thought he would do better as a first cousin1 others preferred him as my uncle4 ,as an exceedingly popular ,governor-,general1 his place above the good ,canadian food seemed appropriate at any rate1 and the number of customers1 both known and unknown1 who congratulated me upon our distinguished framed patron1 gave me the odd feeling that somehow the shock to my father was thereby lessened4 ,the stories of what ,dufferin and his wife had done for ,tom1 ,dick and ,harry1 for their wives and their children or their dogs1 told to me beside our ,house of ,lords' bar that opening day proved good for business4 ,i had come to the colony somewhat overburdened with distinguished relations of heavy calibre who1 to extend the simile a little1 neither now nor later1 ever fired a single shot on my behalf4 ,the mere inertia of their names1 indeed1 weighed down my subsequent ,new ,york days with the natural suspicion that a young man so well born must have done something dreadful at home to be forced to pose to artists for a living4 ,why1 otherwise1 should he suffer exile in the underworld of a city across the seas8 ,lord ,dufferin's photograph augustly throned above the ,hub luncheon counter1 certainly1 however1 fired a shot on my behalf1 making the cash-registers clink frequently4 ,his effect on our bar-trade1 innocently uncalculated1 deserves this word of gratitude4 ,there were three white-coated bar-tenders in the ,house of ,lords1 ,jimmy ,martin1 their principal1 in charge of it2 a couple managed the ,house of ,commons trade in the lower bar1 down a step and through an arch2 and here1 too1 were tables and chairs1 rooms curtained off1 and other facilities for back-street customers who wanted to sit and talk over their beer4 ,between the two1 a door in the wall led to my own quarters upstairs by means of a private staircase4 ,sharp on eleven we closed our doors that first night1 and proceeded1 with ,jimmy ,martin's aid1 to open the cash-registers and count up our takings4 ,there was just under #bej dollars1 or #ej in ,english money4 ,then1 having said good night to our chief bar-tender1 we spent a happy hour making calculations for the future4 ,the first day1 of course1 could not be taken as an average1 but prospects1 we assured ourselves1 were brilliant4 ,later we were to discover things that were to prove a source of endless trouble and vexation of spirit to us both--daily worries we both learned to dread4 ,at the moment1 however1 it was in sanguine mood that ,i went to bed that night of our opening day4 ,the money was locked away1 ready for me to take to the bank next morning--our first deposit4 ,before that ,i must be at the market to buy provisions--six o'clock--and ,kay was to be in attendance in the bars at nine-thirty4 8,it's a go all right10 were his good-night words1 as he thumped down my private staircase and let himself into the street with his latch-key4 ,lucky beggar6 ,he hadn't got to write home and explain to evangelical and teetotal parents what he was doing6 ,some customers1 ,i discovered1 arrived early4 ,that a man should want to swallow raw spirits at #i ,a4,m4 amazed me4 ,some of these were men we knew socially2 with one of them1 who arrived regularly at #i4ae1 ,i often dined in his cosy little bungalow beside the lake4 ,his wife was charming1 ,i played with his children4 ,he was a lawyer4 ,he came for what he called an 8eye-opener40 ,another of this early brigade was a stockbroker1 who later made a fortune speculating in wheat on margin1 lost it again1 and disappeared mysteriously across the border into the ,states4 ,his manner of taking his 8eye-opener0 was peculiar1 puzzling me for a long time4 ,i had never seen it before4 ,it made me laugh heartily the first morning1 for ,i thought he was doing it to amuse me--till his injured expression corrected me4 ,producing a long silk handkerchief1 he flung it round his neck1 one end held by the hand that also held his brimming glass4 ,with the free hand he then pulled the other end very slowly round his collar1 levering thus the shaking glass to his lips4 ,unless he used this pulley1 the glass shook and rattled so violently against his teeth that its contents would be spilt before he could get it into his mouth4 ,the horror of it suddenly dawned on me4 ,i was appalled4 ,the stuff that poisoned this nervous wreck was sold by myself and partner at #ajj per cent4 profit6 8,if he doesn't get it here10 said ,kay1 8he'll go to ,tim ,sullivan's across the way1 and get bad liquor4 ,ours at least is pure40 ,during the long twelve hours that the ,hub was open either ,kay or myself was always on duty1 talking to customers1 keeping an eye 7as we hoped67 on the bar-tenders1 showing ourselves with an air of authority in the ,house of ,commons when1 as usually1 it became too rowdy--,kay enjoying the occasional 8chucking out40 ,at lunch time and from four to half-past six or seven o'clock1 the bars were invariably crowded4 ,the amount of milkless tea we drank ought to have poisoned us both1 but we never fell from grace in this respect1 and we kept faithfully1 too1 to ,jimmy ,martin's advice never to 8put 'em up0 for others4 ,days were long and arduous4 ,though we soon closed the dining room after lunch1 doing no supper trade1 there were public dinners once or twice a week for ,masonic societies1 football clubs and the like1 and at these one or other of the proprietors was expected to show himself4 ,to my great relief1 ,kay rather enjoyed this light duty4 ,his talent for acting was often in demand too2 he would don his ,henry ,irving wig and give the company an imitation of the great actor in 8,the ,bells40 ,kay was very successful at these 8banquets10 and sometimes a ,society would engage the room on the condition that he performed for them after dinner4 ,what annoyed him was that 8the silly idiots always order champagne60 ,there was no profit worth mentioning in 8wine10 as it was called4 ,the profit was in beer and 8liquor40 ,the histrionic talent1 at any rate1 was an accomplishment that proved useful later in our difficult ,new ,york days1 when ,kay not only got a job on the stage himself1 but provided me with a part as well4 ,the shadow of that ,east #aith ,street boarding-house was already drawing nearer 444 and another customer of the ,hub who was to share it with us was ,louis ,b----1 a voluble1 high-strung fat little ,frenchman1 of mercurial temperament and great musical gifts4 ,when a ,hub banquet had seen enough of the ,irving wig1 and expressed a wish to hear the other proprietor1 it was always ,louis ,b---- who accompanied my fiddle on the piano4 ,raff's 8,cavatina0 was tolerated1 the 8,bereuse0 from 8,jocelyn0 enjoyed1 but the popular songs of the day1 ,louis extemporizing all accompaniments with his perfect touch1 it was these that were good for 8business40 ,the fat1 good-natured little man1 with his bright dark eyes and crisp curly black hair1 demanded several absinthes before he would play4 ,he was a born musician4 ,he loved1 in the order mentioned1 music1 horses1 his wife1 and from the last he always had to obtain permission to 8play at the ,hub40 ,towards midnight he would dash to the telephone and say pleadingly to his wife3 8,they want me to play one more piece--only one4 ,do you mind8 ,i shan't be long60 ,the ,hub ,wine ,company1 camouflaging the saloon business of two foolish young idiots1 passed through its phases towards the inevitable collapse4 ,business declined2 credit grew difficult2 prompt payment for supplies more difficult still4 ,we closed the ,dining ,room1 then the ,house of ,commons4 ,the ,banquets ceased4 ,selling out at 8top price0 became a dream1 loss of all my capital a fact4 ,those were funereal days4 ,to me it was a six months' horror4 ,the impulsive purchase was paid for dearly4 ,it was not only the declining business1 the approaching loss of my small capital1 the prospect of presently working for some farmer at a dollar a day and green tea--it was not these things ,i chiefly felt4 ,it was1 rather1 the fact that ,i had taken a step downhill1 betrayed some imagined ideal in me1 shown myself willing to 8sell my soul0 for filthy lucre4 ,the price1 though not paid in lucre1 was certainly paid in mental anguish1 and the letters from home1 though patient1 generously forgiving1 even understanding1 increased this tenfold4444 ,my own nature1 meanwhile1 wholly apart from any other influence1 sought what relief it could4 ,my heart had never really been in the venture1 my body now kept out of it as much as possible4 ,the loathing ,i had felt for the place from the very beginning was quite apart from any question of success or failure4 ,i hated the very atmosphere1 the faces of the staff1 the sound of voices as ,i approached the swinging doors4 ,while attending strictly to business1 never shortening my hours on duty by five minutes1 and eagerly helping ,kay in our efforts to get in another partner with money1 my relief when once outside the actual building was immense4 ,we had engaged a new manager1 whose popularity in the town--he was a great cricketer--brought considerable fresh custom1 but whose chief value in my eyes lay in the fact that ,i need not be present quite as much as before4 ,collins1 who weighed twenty stone1 was a character4 ,known for some reason as 8the ,duke10 he had no other title to nobility4 ,he helped trade for a few brief weeks1 but also helped himself at the same time1 and his exit1 not unlike that of ,jimmy--who was 8fired0 for the same reason--was attended by threats of a slander suit1 which also1 like ,jimmy's1 was set down in the ,greek kalends4 ,,chapter ,,viii ,one effect of these long1 unhappy months1 anyhow1 was to emphasize another1 and that the principal side1 of my nature4 ,the daily effort of forcing myself to do what ,i hated so intensely1 was succeeded by the equal and opposite reaction of enjoying tremendously my free hours of relaxation4 ,when the swing-doors closed behind me1 my mind closed too upon all memory of the hated ,hub4 ,it was shut out1 forgotten1 non-existent4 ,i flew instinctively to what comforted and made me happy4 ,gorged with the reading of poetry and of idealistic1 mystical books1 an insatiable sense of wonder with a childish love of the marvellous added to it1 my disappointing experience of practical realities demanded compensation as a safety-valve1 if as nothing more4 ,i found these in ,nature1 music1 and in the companionship of a few people ,i will presently describe4 ,out of those prison-like swing-doors ,i invariably went1 either with the fiddle-case in my hand1 or with food in my pocket and a light cloak as blanket for sleeping out4 ,concerts and organ recitals were not enough2 more than to listen1 ,i wanted to play myself2 and ,louis ,b---- was usually as enthusiastic as ,i4 ,the music was a deep delight to me1 but the sleeping under the stars ,i enjoyed most4 ,those lonely little camp fires have left vivid pictures in the mind4 ,an ,east-bound tram soon took one beyond the city1 where the shores of ,lake ,ontario stretched their deserted sands for miles4 ,there was always fresh water to be found for boiling tea1 lots of driftwood lying about1 and the sand made a comfortable bed4 ,many a night of that sweet ,indian summer ,i saw the moon rise or set over the water1 and lay watching the stars until the sunrise came4 ,one spot in particular was a favourite with me1 because1 just over the high loam cliffs that lined the shore1 there was an enormous field of tomatoes1 and while ,jimmy was helping himself to the ,hub cash under ,kay's eyes in the city1 ,i helped myself to half a dozen of the farmer's ripe tomatoes4 ,the ,hub1 however1 of set purpose1 formed no part of my thoughts1 my reveries and dreams being of a very different1 and far more interesting1 kind4444 ,a night in the woods1 though distance made it more difficult1 comforted me even more than the ,lake expeditions4 ,i kept the woods usually for ,saturday night1 when the next day left me free as well4 ,a pine forest beyond ,rosedale was my favourite haunt1 for it was 7in those days7 quite deserted and several miles from the nearest farm1 and in the heart of it lay a secluded little lake with reedy shores and deep blue water4 ,here ,i lay and communed1 the world of hotels1 insurance1 even of ,methodists1 very far away4 ,the hum of the city could not reach me1 though its glare was faintly visible in the sky4 ,there were no signs of men2 no sounds of human life2 not even a dog's bark--nothing but a sighing wind and lapping water and a sort of earth-murmur under the trees1 and ,i used to think that ,god1 whatever ,he was1 or the great spiritual forces that ,i believed lay behind all phenomena1 and perhaps were the moving life of the elements themselves1 must be nearer to one's consciousness in places like this than among the bustling of men in the towns and houses4 ,as the material world faded away among the shadows1 ,i felt dimly the real spiritual world behind shining through 444 ,i meditated on the meaning of these dreams till the veil over outer things seemed very thin2 diving down into my inner consciousness as deeply as ,i could till a stream of tremendous yearning for the realities that lay beyond appearances poured out of me into the night4444 ,the hours passed with magical swiftness1 and my dreaming usually ended in sleep1 for ,i often woke in the chilly time just before the dawn1 lying sideways on the pine needles1 and saw the trees outlined sharply against the ,eastern sky1 and the lake water still and clear1 and heard the dawn-wind just beginning to sing overhead4 ,the laughter of a loon would sound1 the call of an owl1 the cry of a whip-poor-will2 and then--the sun was up4 ,thought ran1 on these lonely nights1 to everything except to present or recent happenings4 ,life1 already half over as1 at twenty-one1 it then seemed to me1 had proved a failure2 my few trivial experiences appeared gigantic and oppressive4 ,i felt very old4 ,present conditions1 being unhappy and promising to become more unhappy still1 ,i left aside4 ,i had 8accepted0 them as ,karma1 ,i must go through with them1 but there was no need to intensify or prolong unhappiness by dwelling on them4 ,i therefore dismissed them1 thought wandering to other things4 ,all was coloured1 shaped1 directed by those ,eastern teachings in which ,i was then entirely absorbed 444 and the chief problem in my mind at the time1 was to master the method of accepting1 facing1 exhausting1 whatever life might bring1 while being1 as the ,bhagavad ,gita described1 8indifferent to results10 unaffected1 that is1 by the 8fruits of action40 ,detachment1 yet without shirking1 was the nearest equivalent phrase ,i could find2 a state1 anyhow1 stronger than the ,christian 8resignation10 which woke contempt in me4444 ,unhappiness1 though it may seem trivial now1 both as to cause and quality1 was very deep in me at the time4 ,it had wakened an understanding of certain things ,i had read--as in the stolen 8,patanjali0 years before--without then grasping what they meant4 ,these things ,i now was beginning to reach by an inner experience of them1 rather than by an intellectual comprehension merely4444 ,and1 as thought ran backwards1 escaping the unpleasant ,hub and ,dairy1 to earlier days in the ,black ,forest ,school1 to the ,jura ,mountains village1 to family holidays among the ,alps or on the west coast of ,scotland1 it reached in due course the year spent at ,edinburgh ,university just before ,i left for ,canada1 and so to individuals there who had strongly influenced me3 ,i recalled ,dr4 ,h----1 who used hypnotism in his practice1 taught me various methods of using it1 and often admitted me to private experiments in his study4 ,he explained many a text-book for me4 ,he had urged me to give up the idea of farming in ,canada1 and to read for medicine and become a doctor4 8,specialize10 he said 7in #ahhc74 8,by the time you are qualified ,suggestion will be a recognized therapeutic agent1 accepted by all1 and accomplishing marvellous results4 ,become a mental specialist40 ,i lay under my pine trees1 wondering if it were still too late 444 but speculating1 further and chiefly1 about those other states of consciousness1 since called 8subliminal10 which his experiments had convinced me were of untold importance1 both to the individual and to the race4 ,any lawful method of extending the field of consciousness1 of increasing its scope1 of developing latent faculties1 with its corollary of greater knowledge and greater powers1 excited and interested me more than the immediate prospect of making a million4444 ,this doctor's family were sincere and convinced spiritualists4 ,he let them be1 paying no attention to them1 yet pointing out to me privately the 8secondary0 state into which his wife1 as the medium1 could throw herself at will4 ,his son had an ,amati violin2 we played together2 ,i was invited to many sances4 ,the power of reading a 8sitter's0 mind ,i often witnessed1 my own unuttered thoughts often being announced as the communication from some 8guide0 or 8spirit friend40 ,but for the doctor's private exposition1 ,i might doubtless have been otherwise persuaded and shared my hostess's convictions4 ,some of the 8communications0 came back in memory1 none the less1 as ,i lay beside the little lake and watched the firelight reflected with the stars3 8,there is an ,indian here2 he says he comes for you4 ,he is a medicine man4 ,he says you are one1 too4 ,you have great healing power4 ,he keeps repeating the word #8scratch4'0 ,the dubious word meant 8write02 ,i was to become a writer1 a prophesy that woke no interest in me at all4444 ,another communication delved into the past3 8,you have been an ,indian in a recent life1 and you will go back to their country to work off certain painful ,karma4 ,you were ,aztec1 ,inca1 ,egyptian1 and1 before that again1 ,atlantean4 ,with the world to-day you have nothing in common1 for none of the souls you knew have come back with you4 ,nature means more to you than human beings4 ,beware60 ,the last word alarmed me a good deal until the doctor's humorous exposition killed any malefic suggestion4 ,the horoscope his wife cast and read for me1 however1 he refused to be bothered with2 he could not1 therefore1 comfort me by explaining away a disturbing sentence3 8,all your planets are beneficent1 but were just below the horizon at the hour of your birth4 ,this means that you will come very near to success in all you undertake1 yet never quite achieve it40 ,these memories slipped in their series across my mind1 as the embers of my fire faded and the night drew on4 ,swiftly they came and passed1 each leaving its little trail of dust1 its faint emotion1 yet leading always to a stronger ghost whose memory still bulked largely in my mind--the ghost of a ,hindu student4 ,he was a fourth-year man1 about to become a qualified doctor1 and ,i met him first in the dissecting room1 where occasionally ,i played at studying anatomy4 ,we first became intimate friends over the dissection of a leg4 ,it was he who explained 8,patanjali0 to me4 ,he was a very gifted and unusual being4 ,he showed me strange methods of breathing1 of concentration1 of meditation4 ,he made clear a thousand half-conscious dreams and memories in me4 ,he was mysterious but sincere1 living his theories in practice4 ,we went for great walks along the ,forth1 watching the ,forth ,bridge then being built2 down the coast to ,st4 ,abb's ,head and ,coldingham2 deep into the recesses of the ,pentlands1 where1 more than once1 we slept in the open4 ,we made curious and interesting experiments together4444 ,years later--he is still alive--,i drew upon a fraction of his personality in two books1 8,john ,silence0 and 8,julius ,le ,vallon40444 ,much that he explained and taught me1 much that he believed and practised1 came back vividly during these nightly vigils in the woods1 while ,i listened to the weird laughter of the loons like the voices of women far away1 and watched the ,northern ,lights flash in their strange majesty from the horizon to mid-heaven4 ,unhappiness was making my real life sink deeper4 ,no boy1 ,i am sure1 sought for what he believed would prove the realities with more passionate intensity than ,i did4 ,it is curious now to look back upon those grave experiments first taught me by my ,hindu friend1 who assured me that the way to rob emotions of their power was to refuse to identify one's 8self0 with them1 this real 8self0 merely looking on as a spectator1 apart1 detached2 and that the outer events of life had small importance1 what mattered being solely one's inner attitude to them1 one's interpretation of them4444 ,from these hours spent alone with ,nature1 as also from the hours of music with ,louis ,b---- ,i returned1 at any rate1 refreshed and invigorated to my loathsome bars4 ,personal troubles seemed less important1 less oppressive2 they were1 after all1 but brief episodes in a single life2 as ,karma1 they had to be faced1 gone through with2 they had something to teach1 and ,i must learn the lesson1 or else miss one of the objects of my being4 ,watching the starry heavens through hours of imaginative reflection brought a bigger perspective in which individual worries found reduced proportion4 ,my thoughts introduced a yet vaster perspective still4 ,the difficulty was to keep the point of view when the mood that encouraged it was gone4 ,after a few hours in the ,house of ,lords perspective was apt to dwindle again4444 ,when the winter months made sleeping out impossible1 and ,louis ,b---- was not available1 my precious hours of freedom would be spent with a young agnostic doctor dying of consumption2 with the ,professor of ,history in ,toronto ,university--a sterling1 sympathetic man1 a true ,christian of intellectual type1 and a big1 genuine soul who never thought of himself in the real help he gave me unfailingly with both hands2 or1 lastly1 with an enthusiast who shared my quest for what we called 8the ,realities40 ,with all three ,i had made close friends during the first prosperous days of the ,dairy2 the ,professor's family had been customers for milk and eggs2 the young doctor1 living in my boarding-house1 had been a pupil in my ,french and ,german class4 ,the third was a ,scotsman1 fairly well educated1 about thirty years of age1 who1 while fully in sympathy with my line of thinking1 had succeeded in reducing his dreams to some sort of order so that they did not interfere with his ordinary1 practical career and yet were the guiding rule of his life4 ,he was in the cement business1 and his clothes1 even on ,sunday1 were always covered with a fine white dust1 for he was unmarried and lived alone in a single room4 ,he made a bare living at his work1 but was thoroughly conscientious and devoted to the interests of his employer1 and all he asked was steady work and fair remuneration for the rest of his life4 ,he was a real mystic by temperament1 though he belonged to no particular tradition4 ,the world for him was but a show of false appearances that the senses gathered2 the realities behind were spiritual4 ,he believed that his soul had existed for ever and would never cease to exist1 and that his ego would continue to expand and develop according to the life he led1 and shaped by his thoughts and acts 7but especially by his thoughts7 to all eternity4 ,this world for him was a schoolroom1 a place of difficult discipline and learning1 and the lessons he was learning were determined logically and justly by his previous living and previous mistakes4 ,talents or disabilities1 equally1 were the results of former action4444 ,but to the ordinary man he appeared simply as a rather dull everyday worker1 without any worldly ambition1 absolutely honest and trustworthy1 and always occupying a subordinate position in practical affairs4 ,in the 8old country0 he had belonged to some sort of society that kept alive traditions of teaching methods of spiritual development1 and he told me much concerning their theories that immense latent powers lay in the depths of one's being and could be educed by suitable living1 and the period in the 8schoolroom of this world10 as he called it1 could be shortened and the progress of one's real development hastened4 ,it all lay1 with him1 in learning how to concentrate the faculties on this inner life1 without neglecting the duties of the position one held to family or employer1 and thus reducing the life of the body and the senses to the minimum that was consistent with health and ordinary duty4 ,in this way he believed new forces would awaken to life1 and new parts of one's being be stimulated into activity1 and in due course one would become conscious of a new spiritual region with the spiritual senses adapted to it4 ,it amounted1 of course1 to an expansion of consciousness4 ,all this1 naturally1 interested me very much indeed1 and ,i spent hours talking with this cement maker1 and many more hours reading the books he lent me and thinking about them4 ,my friend helped in this extension4 ,carl du ,prel's 8,philosophy of ,mysticism0 was a book to injure no one4 ,he had published one or two volumes of minor poetry1 and his verse1 though poor in form1 caught all through it the elusive quality of genuine mystical poetry1 unearthly1 touching the stars1 and wakening in the reader the note of yearning for the highest things4 ,i took him with me several times to my little private grove1 and he would recite these verses to me in a way that made them sound very different from my own reading of them4 ,and as he lay beside the lake and ,i heard his reedy voice mingling with the wind in the trees1 and watched his watery blue eyes shine across the smoke of our fire1 ,i realized that the value of his poems lay in the fact that they were a perfectly true expression of his self--of his small1 mystical1 unselfish and oddly elemental soul searching after the ,god that should finally absorb him up into something greater4 ,i do not wish to criticize him1 but only to picture what ,i saw4 ,his attenuated body1 and long thin fingers1 his shabby clothes covered with white dust lying by my side under the stars1 his eyes looking beyond the world1 and the sound of his thin voice that lost half its words somewhere in the wind--the picture is complete in every detail in my mind to this day4 ,his reasoning powers were slight1 for like all true mystics he believed in the intuitive perception of truth2 but1 coming into my life just at this time1 he came with influence and a good deal of stimulus too4 ,from the 8,house of ,commons0 to his dream-laden atmosphere provided a contrast that brought relief1 at any rate4 ,this mystical minor poet in the cement business had several friends like himself1 but no one of them possessed his value1 because no one of them practised their beliefs4 ,they talked well and were sincere up to a point1 but not to the point of making sacrifices for their faith4 ,it was always with them a future hope4 ,one1 however1 must be excepted--a woman4 ,she was over sixty and always dressed in black1 with crpe scattered all over her1 and a large white face1 and shining eyes1 and great bags under them4 ,she had been a vegetarian for years4 ,in spite of her size she looked so ethereal that a puff of wind might have blown her across the street4 ,all her friends and relations had 8passed over10 and her thoughts were evidently centred in the beyond1 so far as she herself was concerned4 ,she had means of her own1 but spent most of them in helping others4 ,there was no humbug about her4 ,she claimed to have what she called 8continuous consciousness10 and at night1 when her body lay down and the brain slept1 she focused her ,self in some spiritual region of her being1 and never lost consciousness4 ,she saw her body lying there1 and knew the brain was asleep1 but she meanwhile became active elsewhere1 for she declared a spirit could never sleep1 and it was only the body that became too weary at the end of the day to answer to the spirit's requirements4 ,in sleep the body1 left empty by the spirit1 slept1 and memory1 being in the brain1 became inactive4 ,but as soon as one had learned to realize one's spirit1 sleep involved no loss of consciousness and memory was continuous4 ,her accounts of her experiences in the night thrilled me4444 ,while she talked her face grew so white that it almost shone4 ,it was a beaming1 good1 loving face1 and the woman was honest1 even if deluded4 ,she radiated kindness and sympathy from her person4 ,she had a way of screwing up her eyes when speaking1 stepping back a few paces1 and then coming suddenly forward again as though she meant to jump across the room1 her voice ringing1 and her eyes opened so wide that ,i thought the bags underneath them must burst with a pop4 ,the young doctor living in the boarding-house also interested me1 reviving indeed my desire to follow his own profession myself4 ,he was about twenty-six years old and very poor2 the exact antithesis of myself1 being clear-minded1 practical1 cynical and a thorough sceptic on the existence of a soul and ,god and immortality4 ,he was well-read and had the true scientific temperament1 spending hours with his microscope and books4 ,the fact of his being at the opposite pole to myself attracted me to him1 and we had long talks in his consulting-room on the ground floor back--where everything was prepared for the reception of patients1 but where no patient ever came4 ,our worlds were so far apart1 and it was so hard to establish a mutual coinage of words that our talks were somewhat futile4 ,he was logical1 absorbed in his dream of original research2 he used words in their exact meaning and jumped to no conclusions rashly1 and never allowed his judgment to be influenced by his emotions2 whereas ,i talked1 no doubt1 like a child1 building vast erections upon inadequate premises1 indulging in my religious dreams about ,god and the soul1 speculative and visionary4 ,he argued me out of my boots every time1 and towards the end of our talks grew impatient and almost angry with my vague mind and 8transcendental tommy-rot10 as he called it2 but at the same time he liked me1 and was always glad to talk and discuss with me4 ,nothing he said1 though much of it was cogent and unanswerable1 ever influenced my opinions in the least degree1 because ,i felt he was fundamentally wrong1 and was trying to find by scalpel and microscope the things of the spirit4 ,i felt a profound pity for him1 and he felt a contemptuous pity for me4 ,but one night my pity almost changed to love1 and after this particular conversation1 in the course of which he made me deep confidences of his early privations in order that he might study for his profession1 and of his unquenchable desire for knowledge for its own sake1 ,i felt so tenderly towards him1 that ,i never tried to argue again1 but only urged him to believe in a soul and in a future life4 ,for he told me that he was already so far gone in consumption that at most he had but a year or two to live1 and he knew that in the time at his disposal he could not accomplish the very smallest part of his great dream4 ,i then understood why his eyes were so burning bright and why he had always glowing red spots in his cheeks1 and looked so terribly thin and emaciated4 ,the hours spent with him did not refresh or invigorate me as the woods and music did2 ,i re-entered the swing doors of my prison--as ,i came to regard the ,hub--with no new stimulus4 ,his example impressed me1 but his atmosphere and outlook both depressed4 ,only my admiration for his courage1 strong will1 and consistent attitude remained1 while ,i drank 8tea0 with my unpleasant customers1 or listened to complaints from the staff4 ,before the swing-doors closed for the last time1 however1 the thin1 keen-faced doctor with the hectic flush and the bright burning eyes had succumbed to his terrible malady4 ,his end made a great impression on me4 ,for several months he went about like a living skeleton4 ,his cough was ghastly4 ,he had less and less money1 and ,i seemed to be the only friend he turned to1 or indeed possessed at all1 for ,i was the only person he allowed to help him1 and the little help ,i could give was barely enough to prevent the landlady turning him out for rent and board unpaid4 ,to the last his will burned in him like a flame4 ,he talked and studied1 and dreamed his long dream of scientific achievement even when he knew his time was measured by weeks1 and he was utterly scornful of death and a ,deity that could devise such a poor scheme of existence1 so full of failure1 pain1 and abortive effort4 ,but ,i was full of admiration for the way he kept going full speed to the very end1 starting new books and fresh experiments even when he knew he would not have time to get half-way through with them1 and discussing high schemes just as though he expected years in which to carry them out--instead of days4 ,here was a man absolutely without faith1 or any belief in ,god or future life1 who walked straight up to a miserable death under full steam1 with nothing to console or buoy him up1 and without friends to sympathize1 and who never for a single instant flinched or whimpered4 ,there burned in his heart the fire of a really strong will4 ,it was the first time ,i had realized at close quarters what this meant1 and when ,i went to his funeral ,i felt full of real sorrow1 and have never forgotten the scene at his death-bed when the keen set face relaxed nothing of its decision to the very last4 ,,chapter ,,ix ,at length the bitter1 sparkling winter was over1 the sleigh-bells silent1 the covered skating-rinks all closed4 ,the last remnants of the piled-up snow had melted1 and the sweet spring winds were blowing freshly down the cedar-paved streets4 ,on the lake shores the boat-houses were being opened2 canoes1 skiffs and cat-boats being repainted4 ,tents and camping kit were being overhauled4 ,the talk everywhere was of picnics1 expeditions1 trips into the backwoods1 and plans for summer holidays4 ,crystal sunlight flooded the world4 ,the ,canadian spring intoxicated the brain and sent the blood dancing to wild1 happy measures4 ,the ,hub was now in the hands of a ,receiver2 ,adams and ,burns1 the wholesale house1 controlled it4 ,kay and ,i had to pay cash for everything--the ,hub ,wine ,company was 8bust40 ,yielding to my father's impatient surprise that after all these months ,i was still a partner1 ,i had assigned my interest a short time before to ,kay1 and had sent home the printed announcement in the newspapers4 ,it was a nominal assignment only1 for ,i had nothing to assign4 ,my last penny of capital was lost4 ,kay1 for his part1 had lost everything too4 ,vultures1 in the form of bailiffs with blue writs in their claws1 haunted our last week2 by good luck rather than good management ,i owed nothing1 but ,kay had small outstanding accounts all over the town4 ,it was a hectic last week4 ,our friends came in crowds to sympathize1 to offer advice1 to suggest new plans1 and all considered a liquid farewell necessary4 ,this etiquette was strict4 ,a private word with the ,receiver brought back our tea bottle4 ,the ,upper ,house did a fair business again1 while ,louis ,b---- bursting with new schemes1 new enterprises1 that should restore our fortunes1 was for ever at the piano in the upstairs room4 ,we played together while our little ,rome was burning--,tchaikowsky1 ,chopin1 ,wagner1 and the latest songs with choruses4 ,kay donned his ,irving wig from time to time and roared his 8,bells0 and 8,suicide40 ,our last days rattled by4 ,the pain of the failure was mitigated for me personally by the intense relief ,i felt to be free of the nightmare at last4 ,whatever might be in store1 nothing could be worse than that six months' horror4 ,besides1 failure in ,canada was never final4 ,it held the seeds of success to follow4 ,from its ashes new life rose with wings and singing4 ,the electric air of spring encouraged brave hopes of a thousand possibilities1 and while ,i felt the disaster overwhelmingly1 our brains at the same time already hummed with every imaginable fresh scheme4 ,what these schemes were it is difficult now to recall1 beyond that they included all possibilities of enterprise that a vast young country could suggest to penniless adventurous youth4 ,what memory still holds sharply1 however1 is the face of a young lawyer of our acquaintance1 as he looked at me across the fiddle and said casually3 8,you can live on my island in ,lake ,rosseau if you like60 ,without a moment's hesitation we accepted the lawyer's offer of his ten-acre island in the northern lakes4 ,the idea of immediate new enterprise faded4 ,kay was easily persuaded into a plan that promised a few weeks' pleasant leisure to think things over1 living meanwhile for next to nothing4 8,i shall go to ,new ,york later10 he announced1 8and get on the stage4 ,i'll take ,shakespeare up to the island and study it40 ,he packed his ,irving wig4 ,it was the camping-out which caught me with irresistible attraction3 the big woods1 an open air life1 sun1 wind and water4444 8,i'll come up and join you later10 promised the sanguine ,louis ,b----4 8,i'll come with some new plan we can talk over round your camp-fire40 ,he agreed to pack up our few belongings and keep them for us till we went later to ,new ,york4 8,we'll all go to the ,states10 he urged4 8,canada is a one-horse place4 ,there are far more chances across the line40 ,we kept secret our date of leaving1 only ,louis knowing it4 ,on the morning of ,may #bdth1 the ,queen's birthday1 he came to fetch us and our luggage1 the latter reduced to a minimum4 ,there were no good-byes4 ,but this excitable little ,frenchman1 who loved a touch of the picturesque1 did not come quite as we expected4 ,he arrived two hours before his time1 with a wagonette and two prancing horses1 his fat figure on the box1 flicking his long whip and shouting up at our windows4 ,his idea1 he explained as we climbed in1 was to avoid the main station1 where we should be bound to see a dozen people we knew4 ,he proposed1 instead1 to drive us twenty miles to a small station1 where the train stopped on its way north4 ,there was no time to argue4 ,i sat beside him on the box with the precious fiddle1 ,kay got behind with our two bags1 and ,louis drove us and his spanking pair along ,king ,street and then up ,yonge ,street4 ,scores recognized us1 wondering what it meant1 for these were the principal streets of the town1 but ,louis flourished his whip1 gave the horses their head1 and raced along the interminable ,yonge ,street till at length the houses disappeared1 and the empty reaches of the hinterland took their place4 ,he saw us into the train with our luggage and our few dollars1 waving his whip in farewell as the engine started4 ,we did not see him again till he arrived1 thin1 worried1 anxious and gabbling1 in the ,east #aith ,street boarding-house the following autumn4 ,my ,toronto episodes were over4 ,i had been eighteen months in the country and was close upon twenty-two2 my capital ,i had lost1 but ,i had gained at least a little experience in exchange4 ,i no longer trusted every one at sight4 ,the green paint had worn thin in patches1 if not all over4 ,the collapse of the ,dairy made me feel old1 the ,hub disaster made me a ,methuselah4 ,my home life seemed more and more remote1 ,i had broken with it finally1 ,i could never return to the old country1 nor show my face in the family circle again4 ,thus ,i felt1 at least4 ,the pain and unhappiness in me seemed incurably deep1 and my shame was very real4 ,in my heart was a secret wish to live in the backwoods for evermore1 a broken man1 feeding on lost illusions and vanished dreams4 ,the lighthearted plans that ,louis ,b---- and ,kay so airily discussed ,i could not understand4 ,my heart sank each time ,i recognized my father's handwriting on an envelope4 ,i felt a kind of final misery that only my belief in ,karma mitigated4 ,this mood of exaggerated intensity soon passed1 of course1 but for a time life was very bitter4 ,it was hard at first to 8accept0 these fruits of former lives1 this harvest of misfortune whose seeds ,i assuredly had sown myself long1 long ago4 ,the 8detachment0 ,i was trying to learn1 with its attitude of somehow being 8indifferent to the fruits of action10 was not acquired in a day4 ,yet it interests me now to look back down the vista of thirty years1 and to realize that this first test of my line of thought--whether it was a pretty fancy merely1 or whether a real conviction--did not find me wanting4 ,it was1 ,i found1 a genuine belief2 neither then1 nor in the severer tests that followed1 did it ever fail me for a single moment4 ,i understood1 similarly1 how my father's faith1 equally sincere though in such different guise to mine1 could give him strength and comfort1 no matter what life might bring4444 ,as our train went northwards through the hinterland towards ,gravenhurst and the enchanted island where we were to spend five months of a fairyland existence1 ,i grasped that a chapter of my life was closed1 and a new one opening4 ,the mind looked back1 of course4 ,toronto1 whose ,indian name means ,place of ,meeting1 ,i saw only once or twice again4 ,i never stayed there4 ,at the end of our happy island-life1 we rushed through it on our way to fresh adventures in ,new ,york1 ,kay hiding his face in an overcoat lest some creditor catch a glimpse of him and serve a blue writ before the train's few minutes' pause in the station ended4 ,the following winter1 indeed1 this happened1 though in a theatre and not in a railway carriage4 ,the travelling company1 of which he formed a member1 was giving its ,toronto week1 and a creditor in the audience recognized him on the stage1 though not this time in his ,irving wig4 ,the blue writ was served1 the bailiff standing in the wings until the amount was paid4 ,in the mood of reflection a train journey engenders1 a sense of perspective slipped behind the eighteen months just over4 ,shot forth from my evangelical hot-house into colonial life1 it now seemed to me rather wonderful that my utter ignorance had not landed me in yet worse muddles 444 even in gaol4444 ,one incident1 oddly enough1 stood out more clearly than the rest4 ,but for my ridiculous inexperience of the common conditions of living1 my complete want of savoir faire1 my unacquaintance even with the ways of normal social behaviour1 ,i might have now been in very different circumstances4 ,a quite different career might easily have opened for me1 a career in a railway1 in the ,canadian ,pacific ,railway1 in fact1 on one of whose trains we were then travelling4 ,but for my stupid ignorance1 an opening in the ,c4,p4,r4 would certainly have been found for me1 whether it led to a future or not4 ,the incident1 slight and trivial though it was1 throws a characteristic light on the results of my upbringing4 ,it happened in this way3 ,among my father's acquaintance were the bigwigs of the ,canadian ,pacific ,railway1 who had shown him much courtesy on our earlier visit4 ,the relationship this time was not of a religious kind2 he was ,financial ,secretary to the ,post ,office2 the ,c4,p4,r4 carried the mails4 ,sir ,george ,stephen and ,sir ,donald ,stewart had not at that time received their peerages as ,my ,lords ,mount-,stephen and ,strathcona2 ,sir ,william van ,horne was still alive4 ,to all of these ,i bore letters1 though ,i delivered--by post to ,montreal--only the one to ,sir ,george1 as ,president of the line4 ,it met with the kindest possible response1 and for several weeks ,i had been awaiting the return of ,t41 an important official in ,toronto1 to whom my case had been explained1 but who was away at the time1 touring the west in his special car4 ,the moment ,i returned1 ,i felt reasonably sure that he would find me a place of some sort or other where ,i could at least make a start4 ,he had1 in fact1 been asked to do so4 ,with influence1 too1 in high quarters behind me1 ,i had every reason to hope4 ,the return of ,mr4 ,t4 ,i awaited eagerly4 ,he was a young man1 ,i learned1 of undoubted ability1 but was at the same time a petty fellow1 very pushing1 very conceited1 and a social snob of the most flagrant type4 ,i was rather frightened1 indeed1 by what ,i heard1 for a colonial social snob can be a very terrible creature1 as ,i had already discovered4 ,mr4 ,t4's return chanced to coincide with a big race meeting1 to be followed by a ball at ,government ,house4 ,sir ,alexander ,campbell was ,governor of ,ontario at the time4 ,it was the event of the season1 and of course ,mr4 ,t4 came back in time to attend it and be in evidence4 ,with a party of friends ,i drove to my first race meeting 7oh1 how the clothes1 the talk1 the rushing horses1 all looking exactly alike1 bored me67 with an invitation to the grand stand box of the ,governor ,general1 ,lord ,aberdeen1 also a friend of my father's1 and was thus introduced to the railway official under the best possible auspices4 ,my heart beat high when ,i saw how he took trouble to be nice to me and begged me to call upon him next day at his office1 saying that 8something could no doubt be arranged for me at once40 ,i was so delighted that ,i felt inclined to cable home at once 8,got work02 but ,i resisted this temptation and simply let my imagination play round the nature of the position ,i should soon be holding in a very big company1 with excellent chances of promotion and salary4 ,i was too young to be bothered by the man's patronizing manner and did not care a straw about his condescension and self-importance1 because ,i thought only of getting work and a start4 ,the ball filled me with intense shyness and alarm1 however1 for ,i had never learned to dance1 or been inside a ballroom1 and it was merely by chance ,i found out that white gloves and a white tie 7not a black one as ,i had always worn at home for dinner7 were the proper things4 ,in a colony1 too1 an ,englishman1 who pretends to any standing1 cannot be too careful about social details2 for everything1 and more besides1 is expected of him4 ,the ball was even worse than ,i had anticipated4 ,i was nervous and uncomfortable4 ,ignorant of the little observances that would have been known to any man brought up differently1 ,i found nothing to say to the numerous pretty ,canadian girls1 unconventional and natural1 who were introduced to me1 and ,i had not the slightest idea that the correct and polite thing to do was to ask each young lady for the 8pleasure of a dance40 ,what people must have thought of my manners ,i cannot imagine1 but the climax was undoubtedly reached when the railway official swaggered up to me in the middle of the room and said he wished to introduce me to his sister4 ,this was duly accomplished1 but--,i could think of nothing to say4 ,we stood side by side1 with the official beaming upon us1 ,i fingering my empty programme and the girl waiting to be asked for a dance4 ,but the request was not forthcoming1 and after a few minutes of terrible awkwardness and half silence1 the purple-faced official marched his sister off again1 highly insulted1 to introduce her to men who would appreciate their luck better than ,i had done4 ,to him1 of course1 my manners must have seemed hopelessly rude4 ,he felt angry that ,i had not thought his sister worth even the ordinary politeness of a dance2 and to a ,canadian1 who learns dancing with his bottle1 and dances indoors and out on every possible occasion1 the omission must have seemed incredibly ill-mannered1 and the snub an unforgivable one4 ,i cannot blame him4 ,i remained in complete ignorance however of my crime1 and1 beyond feeling nervously foolish1 out of place1 and generally not much of a success1 ,i had no idea ,i had given cause for offence until1 long afterwards1 ,i heard stories about myself and my behaviour which made me realize that ,i had done unpardonable things and left undone all that was best and correct4 ,at the time1 however1 ,i had no realization that ,i had offended at all2 and in the morning ,i went down according to appointment to call upon the railway official in his fine offices and hear the joyful news of my appointment to a lucrative and honourable position in the ,company4 ,it seemed a little strange to me that ,i was kept waiting exactly an hour in the outer office1 but ,i was so sure of a pleasant interview with a practical result that when at last the clerk summoned me to the official's sanctum1 ,i went in with a smiling face and goodwill and happiness in my heart4 ,the general manager1 as ,i will call him1 though this title disguises his actual position1 greeted me1 however1 without a word4 ,he was talking to a man who stood beside his desk1 and though he must have heard my name announced1 he did not so much as turn his head4 ,i stood looking at the framed photographs on the wall for several moments before the man went out1 and then1 when the door was closed1 ,i advanced with outstretched hand and cordial manner across the room to greet my future employer4 ,he glanced at me frigidly1 and1 without even rising from his chair1 gave me a stiff bow and said in a voice of the utmost formality3 8,well1 sir1 and what can ,i do for you80 ,the words fell into my brain like so many particles of ice1 and froze my tongue4 ,such a reception ,i had never dreamed of receiving4 ,what had ,i done wrong8 ,how in the world had ,i offended8 ,not even a word of apology for keeping me waiting an hour2 and not even a seat offered me4 ,i stood there foolishly for a moment1 completely puzzled4 ,surely there must be a mistake4 ,the man had forgotten me1 or took me for somebody else4 8,i had an appointment with you at eleven o'clock1 ,mr4 ,t410 ,i said nervously1 but trying to smile pleasantly4 8,you remember you were kind enough to say yesterday you thought you might find work for me to do in--in the railway offices40 ,the man's eyes flashed1 just as though he were angry1 his face turned red1 and ,i could not help suddenly noticing what a bad1 weak chin he had and how common and coarse the lines of his face were4 ,the flush seemed to emphasize all its bad points4 8,oh1 you want work80 he said with a distinct sneer1 looking me up and down as if ,i were an animal to be judged4 8,you want work1 do you80 ,my nervousness began to melt away before his offensive manner1 and ,i felt the blood mounting1 but trying to keep my temper and to believe still there must be some mistake1 ,i again reminded him of our previous interview at the races and in the ballroom4 8,oh1 to be sure1 yes1 now ,i remember10 he said casually1 and turned to take up pencil and paper on his desk4 ,i looked about for a chair1 but there was none near1 so ,i remained standing1 feeling something like a suspected man about to be examined by a magistrate4 8,what can you do80 he asked abruptly4 8,well10 ,i stammered1 utterly surprised at his rudeness and manner1 8,i've not had much experience yet1 of course1 but ,i'm willing to begin at the bottom and work up4 ,i'll do anything for a beginning40 8,that's what everyone says4 #8,doing anything' is no good to me4 ,i want to know what you can do4 ,all my clerks here write shorthand----0 8,i can write shorthand accurately and fast10 ,i hastened to interrupt1 evidently to his surprise1 as though he had not expected to find me thus equipped4 8,but at present10 he hastened to add1 8there are no vacancies on my staff1 and ,i fear ,i can offer you nothing unless----0 he hesitated a moment and then looked me full in the face4 ,this time there could be no mistake4 ,i saw blood in his eye and ,i realized he was savagely angry with me for some reason1 and was determined to make the interview as unpleasant for me as possible4 8----unless you care to sling baggage on a side station up the line10 he finished sneeringly4 ,the blood rushed to my face1 and ,i understood in a flash that the interview was a farce and his only object to humiliate me4 ,i had so far swallowed my temper on the chance of getting a position1 but ,i knew that a post under such a man1 who evidently hated me1 would be worse than nothing4 ,so ,i gave him one look from head to foot and turned to leave the room4 ,i could have struck him in the jaw with the greatest pleasure in the world4 8,then ,i understand you have no vacancies10 ,i said quietly as soon as ,i got to the door4 8,i will write and thank ,sir ,george ,stephen and tell him about your kindness to me40 ,i said this because it was the only thing that occurred to me to say1 and not with the object of making him uncomfortable4 ,i had no intention of putting my words into effect1 ,i had no idea my stray shot would hit the mark4 ,yet it did4 ,the official1 purple1 and dismayed1 got up hastily1 and called me to stay a moment and he would see if something was not possible4 ,hurried sentences followed me to the passage1 but ,i merely bowed and went out1 knowing perfectly well that nothing could come of further conversation4 ,,chapter ,x ,gradually1 thus1 contact with ordinary people and experiences with certain facets1 at least1 of practical life had begun to give me what is called a knowledge of the world4 ,the hot-house upbringing made this acquisition difficult as well as painful2 there still remained a feeling that ,i was 8peculiar02 ignorance of things that to other youths of twenty-one were commonplaces still gave me little shocks4 ,knowledge that comes at the wrong time is apt to produce exaggerated effects2 and only those who have shared the childlike shelter afforded by a strict evangelical enclosure in early years can appreciate the absurd want of proportion which is one of these effects4 ,knowledge of 8natural0 human kinds1 withheld at the right moment1 and acquired later1 has its dangers4444 ,two things1 moreover1 about people astonished me in particular1 ,i remember2 they astonish me even more to-day4 ,being1 in both cases1 merely individual reactions1 to the herd1 they are easily understandable1 and are mentioned here because1 being entirely personal1 they reveal the individual whose adventures are described4 ,the first--it astonished me daily1 hourly--was the indifference of almost everybody to the great questions ,whence1 ,why1 ,whither4 ,the few who asked these questions seemed cranks of one sort or another2 the immense majority of people showed no interest whatever4 ,creatures of extraordinary complexity1 powers1 faculties1 set down for a given period1 without being consulted apparently1 upon a little planet amid countless numbers of majestic1 terrifying suns 444 few showed even the faintest interest in the purpose1 origin and goal of their existence4 ,of these few1 again1 by far the majority were eager to prove that soul and spirit were chemical reactions1 results of some fortuitous concourse of dead atoms1 to rob life1 in a word1 of all its wonder4 ,these problems of paramount1 if insoluble1 interest1 were taken as a matter of course4 ,there was1 indeed1 no sense of wonder4 ,it astonished me1 doubtless1 because in my own case this was the only kind of knowledge ,i desired1 and desired passionately4 ,to me it was the only real knowledge1 the only thing worth knowing4444 ,and ,i was ever getting little shocks on discovering gradually that not only was such knowledge not wanted1 but that to talk of its possibility constituted one a dreamer1 if not a bore4 ,how anybody in possession of ordinary faculties could look1 say1 at the night sky of stars1 and not know the wondrous flood of divine curiosity about his own personal relation to the universe drench his being--this never ceased to perplex me4 ,yet with almost everybody1 the few exceptions being usually 8odd10 conversation rapidly flattened out as though such things were of no importance1 while stocks and shares1 some kind of practical 8market-value10 at any rate1 quickly became again the topic of real value4 ,not only1 however1 did this puzzle me2 it emphasized at this time one's sense of being peculiar2 it sketched a growing loneliness in more definite outline4 ,no one wanted to make some money more than ,i did1 but these other things--one reason1 doubtless1 why ,i never did make money--came indubitably first4 ,the second big and daily astonishment of those awakening years1 which also has persisted1 if not actually intensified1 concerned the blank irresponsiveness to beauty of almost everybody ,i had to do with4 ,exceptions1 again1 were either cranks or useless1 unpractical people1 failures to a man4 ,many liked 8scenery10 either perceiving it for themselves1 or on having it pointed out to them2 but very few1 as with myself1 knew their dominant mood of the day influenced--well1 by a gleam of light upon the lake at dawn1 a faint sound of music in the pines1 a sudden strip of blue on a day of storm1 the great piled coloured clouds at evening--8such clouds as flit1 like splendour-winged moths about a taper1 round the red west when the sun dies in it40 ,these things had an effect of intoxication upon me1 for it was the wonder and beauty of ,nature that touched me most2 something like the delight of ecstasy swept over me when ,i read of sunrise in the ,indian ,caucasus4444 8,the point of one white star is quivering still1 deep in the orange light of widening morn beyond the purple mountains 4440 and it was a genuine astonishment to me that so few1 so very few1 felt the slightest response1 or even noticed1 a thousand and one details in sky and earth that delighted me with haunting joy for hours at a stretch4 ,with ,kay1 my late 8partner in booze10 as ,i had heard him called1 there was sufficient response in these two particulars to make him a sympathetic companion4 ,if these things were not of dominant importance to him1 they were at least important4 ,humour and courage being likewise his1 he proved a delightful comrade during our five months of lonely island life4 ,what his view of myself may have been is hard to say2 luckily perhaps1 ,kay was not a scribbler4444 ,he will agree1 ,i think1 that we were certainly very happy in our fairyland of peace and loveliness amid the ,muskoka ,lakes of ,northern ,ontario4 ,our island1 one of many in ,lake ,rosseau1 was about ten acres in extent1 irregularly shaped1 overgrown with pines1 its western end running out to a sharp ridge we called ,sunset ,point1 its eastern end facing the dawn in a high rocky bluff4 ,it rose in the centre to perhaps a hundred feet1 it had little secret bays1 pools of deep water beneath the rocky bluff for high diving1 sandy nooks1 and a sheltered cove where a boat could ride at anchor in all weathers4 ,close to the shore1 but hidden by the pines1 was a one-roomed hut with two camp-beds1 a big table1 a wide balcony1 and a tiny kitchen in a shack adjoining4 ,a canoe and rowing-boat went with the island1 a diminutive wharf as well4 ,on the mainland1 a mile and a half to the north1 was an ,english settler named ,woods who had cleared the forest some twenty-five years before1 and turned the wilderness into a more or less productive farm4 ,milk1 eggs and vegetables we obtained from time to time4 ,to the south and east and west lay open water for several miles1 dotted by similar islands with summer camps and bungalows on them4 ,the three big lakes--,rosseau1 ,muskoka and ,joseph--form the letter ,y1 our island being where the three strokes joined4 ,to me it was paradise1 the nearest approach to a dream come true ,i had yet known4 ,the climate was dry1 sunny and bracing1 the air clear as crystal1 the nights cool4 ,in moonlight the islands seemed to float upon the water1 and when there was no moon the reflection of the stars had an effect of phosphorescence in some southern sea4 ,dawns and sunsets1 too1 were a constant delight1 and before we left in late ,september we had watched through half the night the strange spectacle of the ,northern ,lights in all their rather awful splendour4 ,the day we arrived--,may #bdth--a ,scotch mist veiled all distant views1 the island had a lonely and deserted air1 a touch of melancholy about its sombre pines2 and when the small steamer had deposited us with our luggage on the slippery wharf and vanished into the mist1 ,i remember ,kay's disconsolate expression as he remarked gravely3 8,we shan't stay here long60 ,our first supper deepened his conviction1 for1 though there were lamps1 we had forgotten to bring oil1 and we devoured bread and porridge quickly before night set in4 ,it was certainly a contrast to the brilliantly lit corner of the ,hub dining-room where we had eaten our last dinner4444 ,but the following morning at six o'clock1 after a bathe in the cool blue water1 while a dazzling sun shone in a cloudless sky1 he had already changed his mind4 ,our immediate past seemed hardly credible now4 ,jimmy ,martin1 the 8,duke10 the ,methodist woodcuts1 the life insurance offices1 to say nothing of the sporting goods emporium1 red-bearded bailiffs1 ,alfred ,cooper1 and a furious half-intoxicated ,irish cook--all faded into the atmosphere of some half-forgotten1 ugly dream4 ,we at once set our house in order4 ,we had saved a small sum in cash from the general wreck2 a little went a long way2 pickerel were to be caught for the trouble of trolling a spoon-bait round the coast1 and we soon discovered where the black bass hid under rocky ledges of certain pools4 ,in a few weeks1 too1 we had learned to manage a canoe to the point of upsetting it far from shore1 shaking it half-empty while treading water1 then climbing in again--the point where safety1 according to the ,canadians1 is attained4 ,even in these big lakes1 it was rare that the water was too rough for going out1 once the craft was mastered2 a 8,rice ,lake0 or 8,peterborough10 as they were called1 could face anything2 a turn of the wrist could 8lift0 them2 they answered the paddle like a living thing2 a chief secret of control being that the kneeling occupant should feel himself actually a part of his canoe4 ,this trifling knowledge1 gained during our idle holiday1 came in useful years later when taking a canoe down the ,danube1 from its source in the ,black ,forest1 to ,budapest4 ,time certainly never hung heavy on our hands4 ,before ,july1 when the ,canadians came up to their summer camps1 we had explored every bay and inlet of the lakes1 had camped out on many an enchanted island1 and had made longer expeditions of several days at a time into the great region of backwoods that began due north4 ,these trips1 westward to ,georgian ,bay with its thousand islands1 on ,lake ,huron1 or northward beyond ,french ,river1 where the primeval backwoods begin their unbroken stretch to ,james ,bay and the ,arctic1 were a source of keen joy4 ,our cooking was perhaps primitive1 but we kept well on it4 ,with books1 a fiddle1 expeditions1 to say nothing of laundry and commissariat work1 the days passed rapidly4 ,kay was very busy1 too1 8preparing for the stage10 as he called it1 and ,shakespeare was always in his hand or pocket4 ,the eastern end of the island was reserved for these rehearsals1 while the ,sunset ,point end was my especial part1 and while ,i was practising the fiddle or deep in my ,eastern books1 ,kay1 at the other point of the island1 high on his rocky bluff1 could be heard sometimes booming 8,the world is out of joint4 ,oh cursed fate that ,i was born to set it right10 and ,i was convinced that he wore his ,irving wig1 no matter what lines he spouted4 ,in the evenings1 as we lay after supper at ,sunset ,point1 watching the colours fade and the stars appear1 it was the exception if he did not murmur to himself 8444 the stars came out1 over that summer sea10 and then declaim in his great voice the whole of 8,the ,revenge0 which ends 8,i1 ,sir ,richard ,grenville1 die60--his tall figure silhouetted against the sunset1 his voice echoing among the pines behind him4 ,considerations for the future were deliberately shelved2 we lived in the present1 as wise men should2 ,new ,york1 we knew1 lay waiting for us1 but we agreed to let it wait4 ,my father's suggestion--8your right course is to return to ,toronto1 find work1 and live down your past0--was a counsel of perfection ,i disregarded4 ,new ,york1 the busy1 strenuous1 go-ahead ,united ,states1 offered the irresistible lure of a promised land1 and we both meant to try our fortunes there4 ,how we should reach it1 or what we should do when we did reach it1 were problems whose solution was postponed4 ,on looking back ,i can only marvel at the patience with which neither tired of the other4 ,perhaps it was perfect health that made squabbles so impossible4 ,nor was there any hint of monotony1 strange to say4 ,we had many an escape1 upsetting in wild weather1 losing our way in the trackless forests of the mainland1 climbing or felling trees1 but some ,pan-like deity looked after us4444 ,the spirit of ,shelley1 of course1 haunted me day and night2 8,prometheus ,unbound10 pages of which ,i knew by heart1 lit earth and sky1 peopled the forests1 turned stream and lake alive1 and made every glade and sandy bay a floor for dancing silvery feet3 8,oh1 follow1 follow1 through the caverns hollow2 ,as the song floats thou pursue1 ,where the wild bee never flew44440 ,i still hear ,kay's heavy voice1 a little out of tune1 singing to my fiddle the melody ,i made for it4 ,and how he used to laugh6 ,always at himself1 but also at and with most other things1 an infectious1 jolly wholesome laughter1 inspired by details of our care-free island life1 from his beard and ,shakespeare rehearsals to my own whiskers and uncut hair1 my ,shelley moods and my intense ,yoga experiments4444 ,much of the charm of our lonely life vanished when1 with high summer1 the people came up to their camps and houses on the other islands4 ,the solitude was then disturbed by canoes1 sailing-boats1 steam-launches2 singing and shouting broke the deep silences2 camp-fires in a dozen directions blazed at night4 ,many of these people we had known well in ,toronto1 but no one called on us4 ,sometimes we would paddle to some distant camp-fire1 lying on the water just outside the circle of light1 and recognizing acquaintances1 even former customers of ,hub and ,dairy and the ,sporting ,goods ,emporium1 but never letting ourselves be seen4 ,everybody knew we were living on the island2 yet avoidance was mutual4 ,we were in disgrace1 it seemed1 and chiefly because of the ,hub--not because of our conduct with regard to it1 but1 apparently1 because we had left the town suddenly without saying good-bye to all and sundry4 ,this abrupt disappearance had argued something wrong1 something we were ashamed of4 ,all manner of wild tales reached us1 most of them astonishingly remote from the truth4 ,this capacity for invention and imaginative detail of most ingenious sort1 using the tiniest insignificant item of truth as starting point1 suggests that even the dullest people must have high artistic faculties tucked away somewhere in them4 ,many of these tales we traced to their source--usually a person the world considered devoid of fancy1 even dull4 ,here1 evidently1 possessing genuine creative power1 were unpublished novelists with distinct gifts of romance and fantasy who had missed their real vocation4 ,the truth about us was1 indeed1 far from glorious1 but these wild tales made us feel almost supermen4 ,many years later ,i met other instances of this power that dull1 even stupid people could keep carefully hidden till the right opportunity for production offers--,i was credited1 to name the best1 with superhuman powers of ,black ,magic1 whatever that may be1 and of sorcery4 ,it was soon after a book of mine1 8,john ,silence10 had appeared4 ,a story reached my ears1 the name of its author boldly given1 to the effect that1 for the purposes of this ,black ,magic1 ,i had stolen the vases from the communion altar of ,st4 ,paul's ,cathedral and used their consecrated content in some terrible orgy called the ,black ,mass4 ,young children1 too1 were somehow involved in this ceremony of sacrilegious sorcery1 and ,i was going to be arrested4 ,the author of this novelette was well known to me1 connected even by blood ties1 a person ,i had always conceived to be without the faintest of imaginative gifts1 though a credulous reader1 evidently1 of the medival tales concerning the monstrous ,gilles de ,rais4 ,absurd as it sounds1 a solicitor's letter was necessary finally to limit the author's prolific output1 although pirated editions continued to sell for a considerable time4 ,there is a poet hidden1 as ,stevenson observed1 in most of us6 ,meanwhile1 summer began to wane2 we considered plans for attacking ,new ,york2 hope rose strongly in us both2 disappointments and failures were forgotten4 ,in so big a city we were certain to find work4 ,we had a hundred dollars laid aside for the journey and to tide us over the first few days until employment came4 ,we could not hide for ever in fairyland4 ,life called to us4444 ,late in ,september1 just when the lakes were beginning to recover their first solitude again1 we packed up to leave4 ,though the sun was still hot at midday1 the mornings and evenings were chill1 and cold winds had begun to blow4 ,the famous fall colouring had set fire to the woods2 the sumach blazed a gorgeous red1 the maples were crimson and gold1 half of the mainland seemed in flame4 ,sorrowfully1 yet with eager anticipation in our hearts1 we poured water on our camp-fire that had served us for five months without relighting1 locked the door of the shanty1 handed over to ,woods the canoe and boat1 and caught the little steamer on one of its last trips to ,gravenhurst where the train would take us1 via ,toronto1 to ,new ,york4 ,it had been a delightful experience2 ,i had seen and known at last the primeval woods2 ,i had even seen ,red ,indians by the dozen in their pathetic ,reservations1 and if they did not1 like the spirit of the ,medicine ,man in ,edinburgh1 advise me to 8scratch10 they certainly made up for the omission by constantly scratching themselves4 ,it seems curious to me now that1 during those months of happy leisure1 the desire to write never once declared itself4 ,it never occurred to me to write even a description of our picturesque way of living1 much less to attempt an essay or a story4 ,nor did plans for finding work in ,new ,york--we discussed them by the score--include in their wonderful variety any suggestion of a pen and paper4 ,at the age of twenty-two1 literary ambition did not exist at all4 ,the ,muskoka interlude remained for me a sparkling1 radiant memory1 alight with the sunshine of unclouded skies1 with the gleam of stars in a blue-black heaven1 swept by forest winds1 and set against a background of primeval forests that stretched without a break for six hundred miles of lonely and untrodden beauty4 ,,chapter ,,xi ,kay and ,i arrived in ,new ,york on a crisp1 sunny afternoon with sixty dollars in hand out of the original hundred set by for the purpose1 and took a room in the ,imperial ,hotel1 ,broadway1 which someone had recommended4 ,we knew no one1 had no letters of introduction4 ,we were tanned the colour of ,red ,indians1 in perfect physical condition1 but with a very scanty wardrobe4 ,the furious turmoil of the noisy city1 boiling with irrepressible energies1 formed an odd contrast to the peace and stillness of the forests4 ,there was indifference in both cases1 but whereas there it was tolerant and kindly1 here it seemed intolerant and aggressive4 8,get a hustle on1 or get out10 was the note4 ,nature welcomed1 while human nature resented1 the intrusion of two new atoms4 ,nostalgia for the woods swept over me vehemently1 but at the same time an eager anticipation to get work4 ,we studied the papers at once for rooms1 choosing a boarding house in ,east #aith ,street1 between ,broadway and #dth ,avenue4 ,something in the wording caught us4 ,an hour after our arrival we interviewed ,mrs4 ,bernstein and engaged the third floor back1 breakfast included1 for eight dollars a week4 ,it was cheap4 ,the slovenly1 emotional1 fat ,jewess1 with her greasy locks1 jewellery1 and tawdry finery1 had something motherly about her that appealed4 ,she smiled4 ,she did not ask for payment in advance4 8,what's your work10 she inquired1 gazing up at me4 8,oh1 ,i'm going on the newspapers10 ,i said offhand1 taking the first idea that offered1 but little dreaming it was to prove true4 8,i shall be on the stage10 ,kay promptly added1 8as soon as my arrangements are made40 ,mrs4 ,bernstein smiled4 ,she knew the power of the ,press and favoured reporters4 8,my hospand10 she informed ,kay sympathetically1 8is an artist too1 a moosician4 ,he has his own orghestra40 ,while ,kay studied the theatrical papers1 ,i took the elevated railway down-town4 ,i wanted to stand on ,brooklyn ,bridge again4 ,since first seeing it with my father a few years before1 and again on my arrival eighteen months ago1 en route for ,toronto1 the place had held my imagination4 ,something sentimental lay in this third journey1 for ,i wanted to go alone4 ,halfway across1 at the highest point1 ,i stood looking down upon the great waterway between the two cities of the new world1 and the feeling of a fresh chapter in life1 with its inevitable comparisons1 rose in me4444 ,the sun was sinking behind the hills of ,new ,jersey1 and the crowded bay lay a sheet of golden shimmer4 ,huge1 double-ended ferry boats1 plying between the wooded shores of ,staten and ,manhattan ,islands and ,brooklyn1 rushed to and fro with great snortings and hootings2 little tugs dashed in every direction with vast importance2 sailboats1 yachts1 schooners and cat-boats dotted the water like a thousand living things2 and threading majestically through them all steamed one or two impressive ,atlantic liners1 immense and castle-like1 towering above all else1 as they moved slowly out toward the open sea4 ,the deep poetry which ever frames the most prosaic things1 lending them their real significance1 came over me with the wind from that open sea4 ,i stood watching the fading lights beyond the bay1 while behind me the crowded trains1 at the rate of one a minute1 passed thundering across the bridge1 and thousands upon thousands of tired workers thronged to their ,brooklyn homes after their day in the bigger city4 ,the great bridge swayed and throbbed as the dense masses of pedestrians climbed uphill to the centre1 then swarmed in a thick black river down the nether slope4 ,i had never seen such numbers1 or such speed of nervous movement1 and the eager1 tense faces1 usually strained1 white1 drawn as well1 touched an unpleasant note4 ,new ,york1 ,i felt1 was not to be trifled with2 the human element was strenuously keen2 no loafing or dreaming here2 work to the last ounce1 or the city would make cat's meat of one6 ,whereupon1 by contrast1 stole back again the deep enchantment of the silent woods1 and the longing for the great1 still places rose2 ,i saw our little island floating beneath glittering stars2 a loon was laughing farther out2 the ,northern ,lights went flashing to mid-heaven2 there was a sound of wind among the pines4 ,the huge structure that reared above me seemed unreal2 the river of men and women slipped past like silent shadows2 the trains and boats became remote and hushed2 and the ugly outer world about me merged in the substance of a dream and was forgotten4444 ,i turned and looked out over ,new ,york4 ,i saw its lofty spires1 its massed buildings1 gigantic in the sky2 ,i saw the opening of the great ,hudson ,river1 and the darkening water of the bay2 ,i heard1 like a sinister multiple voice out of the future1 the strident cry of this wonderful and terrible capital of the ,new ,world1 and the deep pulsings of its engines of frantic haste and untiring energy4 ,the general note1 ,i remember1 was alarming rather2 a touch of loneliness1 of my own stupid incompetence to deal with its aggressive spirit1 in which gleamed something merciless1 almost cruel--this was the response it stirred in me4 ,i suddenly realized ,i had no trade1 no talents to sell1 no weapons with which to fight4 ,my heart sank a little4 ,among these teeming millions1 with their tearing speed1 their frenzied energy1 their appalling practical knowledge1 ,i possessed but one friend1 ,kay1 and some sixty dollars between us4 ,new ,york would eat me up unless ,i 8got a hustle on40 ,next morning1 our capital much reduced1 we moved into the lodging house4 ,the idea of sharing a bed1 in view of our size and the narrowness of the bed1 amused us1 but without enthusiasm4 ,the sofa was too small to sleep on4 8,we'll move10 announced ,kay1 8as soon as we get jobs40 ,a telegram was sent to ,toronto giving our address1 and a few days later a packing case arrived with our ,toronto possessions1 and ten dollars to pay out of our small total4 ,we found close at hand1 in #bjth ,street1 a cheap clean ,german restaurant--,krisch's--where a meal of sorts could be had for #cj cents1 tip #e cents2 it had a sanded floor and was half bier-stube1 and one of its smiling waiters1 ,otto--he came from the ,black ,forest where ,i had been to school--proved a true friend later1 allowing us occasional credit at his own risk2 a ,chinese laundry was looked up in ,fourth ,avenue2 ,i spent one of our precious dollars in a small store of fiddle strings against a possible evil day--a string meant more to me than a steak--and we were then ready for our campaign4 ,not a minute was lost4 ,kay1 in very sanguine mood1 the ,irving wig1 ,i shrewdly suspected1 in his pocket1 went out to interview managers2 while ,i took a train down-town to interview ,harper's1 as being the most important publishing house ,i knew4 ,this step was the result of many discussions with ,kay1 who said he was sure ,i could write4 ,the ,red ,indian advice of the ,edinburgh 8spirit0 had impressed him4 8,that's your line10 he assured me4 8,try the magazines40 ,i felt no similar assurance1 no desire to write was in me2 we had worked ourselves up to a conviction that bold1 immediate action was the first essential of our position2 to get pupils for my two languages or shorthand seemed impossible in a city like ,new ,york2 therefore ,i hurried down1 with vague intentions but a high heart1 to ,harper's4 ,there was the ,magazine1 the ,weekly1 and ,harper's ,young ,people4 ,one of them surely would listen to my tale4 ,i chose the ,weekly for some unknown reason4 ,for some equally unknown reason ,i was admitted to the editor's sanctum1 and1 still more strange1 ,richard ,harding ,davis listened to my tale4 ,his success as a novelist had just begun2 he had left the ,evening ,sun1 where his 8,van ,bibber0 stories had made him first known2 his popularity was rising fast1 though ,i had never heard of him4 ,my tale was brief1 having been rehearsed in the train4 ,it took1 perhaps1 three minutes at most to rattle it off--my parentage1 my farm and hotel1 my interest in ,eastern ,thought1 my present destitution1 and ,i remember adding1 8,you see1 ,i cannot possibly go home to ,england again until ,i have made good somehow40 8,have you written anything80 he asked1 after listening patiently with raised eyebrows4 8,well--no1 ,i haven't1 not yet1 ,i'm afraid40 ,i explained that ,i wanted to begin1 though what ,i really wanted was only paid employment4 ,the author of 8,van ,bibber0 and 8,a ,soldier of ,fortune0 looked me up and down and then chuckled4 ,after a moment's silence1 he got up1 led me across the hall to another door1 opened it without knocking and said to a man who was seated at a table smothered in papers3 8,this is ,mr4 ,blackwood1 an ,englishman1 who wants to write something for you4 ,he is prepared to write anything--from ,eastern philosophy to #8,how to run a hotel in ,canada4'0 ,the door closed behind me1 with no word of farewell1 and ,i learned that the man facing me was the editor of ,harper's ,young ,people4 ,his name1 if ,i remember rightly1 was ,storey1 and he was an ,englishman1 who1 curiously enough1 almost at once mentioned my father4 ,he had been an employ of the ,g4,p4,o4 in ,london4 ,he was unpleasant1 supercilious1 patronizing and off-hand1 proud of his editorial power4 ,he gave me1 however1 my first assignment--to write a short1 descriptive article about a cargo of wild animals that had just arrived for the ,new ,york 8,zoo40 ,i hurried off to the steamer1 bought some paper1 wrote the article in a pew of ,trinity ,church in ,lower ,broadway1 and returned three hours later to submit it4 ,storey read it and said without enthusiasm it would do1 but when ,i asked 8,is it good80 he shook his head with the comment 8,well--some men would have made more of it perhaps40 ,it was printed1 however1 and in due course ,i got ten dollars for it4 ,i inquired if ,i could do something else4 ,he took my address4 ,no further results followed4 ,evidently1 ,i realized1 writing was not my line1 and both ,kay and the ,red ,indian ,medicine ,man were mistaken4 ,kay's report of his luck1 when we met again that evening was meagre2 he had met an ,english ,shakespearean actor1 ,bob ,mantell1 and a ,toronto acquaintance1 the 8,duke40 ,the actor1 however1 had given him an introduction or two1 and the ,duke had asked us to play next day in a cricket match on ,staten ,island4 ,it was an eleven of ,actors v4 the ,staten ,island ,club1 and ,kay would meet useful people4 ,in sanguine mood we agreed to go4 ,it proved a momentous match for me4 ,before it came off1 however1 something else had happened that may seem very small beer1 but that provided me with a recurrent horror for many months to come1 a horror perhaps disproportionate to its cause4 ,it filled me1 at any rate1 with a peculiar loathing as of some hideous nightmare4 ,i had never seen the things before2 their shape1 their ungainly yet rapid movement1 their uncanny power of disappearing in a second1 their number1 their dirty colour1 above all their smell1 now gave me the sensations of acute nausea4 ,kay's laughter1 though he too felt disgust and indignation1 brought no comfort4 ,we eventually got up and lit the gas4 ,we caught it4 ,i had my first view of the beast4 ,we stared at each other in horror4 ,then ,kay sniffed the air4 8,that explains it10 he said1 referring to a faint odour of oil we had both noticed when engaging the room4 8,they put it in the woodwork to kill them10 he added4 8,it's the only thing4 ,but it never really gets rid of them1 ,i'm afraid40 ,the anger of ,mrs4 ,bernstein when we accused her in the morning1 her indignant denials1 her bluster about 8insoults10 and that 8never had sooch a t'ing been said of her house pefore10 were not half as comic as her expression when ,i suddenly produced the soap-dish with its damning evidence--#ag all told4 ,she stared1 held her breath a second1 then very quietly said 8,ach1 ,ach6 ,if you stay1 chentelmen1 ,i take von tollar off the price40 ,it was impossible not to laugh with her2 there was something kind and motherly1 something good and honest and decent about her we both liked2 she would do her best1 we believed2 possibly she really would exterminate the other tenants4 ,we stayed on4 ,of the cricket match on ,staten ,island1 beyond the pretty ground with its big trees1 and that we got a good lunch without paying for it1 no memory remains4 ,what stands out vividly is the tall figure of ,arthur ,glyn ,boyde1 a fast bowler and a good bat1 and one of the most entertaining and sympathetic companions ,i had ever met4 ,his clothes were shabby1 but his graceful manners1 his voice1 his smile1 everything about him1 in fact1 betrayed the ,english gentleman4 ,he was about thirty years of age1 of the most frank and engaging appearance1 with kindly1 honest blue eyes1 in one of which he wore an eyeglass4 ,i remember the little fact that he1 ,kay and myself were measured for a bet after the match1 and that he1 like ,kay1 was six feet two inches1 being one inch shorter than myself4 ,i took to him at once1 and he to me4 ,his real name was a distinguished one which he shared1 it turned out1 with some cousins of my own4 ,we were1 therefore1 related4 ,the bond was deepened4 ,times had gone hard with him1 it seemed1 but at the moment he was on the stage1 being understudy to ,morton ,selton as ,merivale in 8,captain ,lettarblair10 which ,e4 ,h4 ,sothern's company was then playing4 ,in 8,the ,disreputable ,mr4 ,reagen10 by1 ,i think1 ,richard ,harding ,davis he had also played the rle of the detective4 ,he was waiting1 however1 for a much better post1 as huntsman to the ,rockaway ,hunt1 a ,long ,island fashionable club1 and this post1 oddly enough1 was in the gift1 he told me1 of ,davis4 ,it had been practically promised to him1 he might hear any day4444 ,the story of his many jobs and wanderings interested us1 and his theatre work promised to be helpful in many ways to what was called my 8room-mate40 ,boyde's experience of ,new ,york generally was invaluable to us both1 and the fact that he had nowhere to sleep that night 7having been turned out by his landlady7 gave us the opportunity to invite him to our humble quarters4 ,we mentioned the other tenants1 but he said that made no difference1 he would sleep on the sofa4 ,he dined with us at ,krisch's2 he was extremely hard up2 luckily1 we still had enough to invite a friend4 ,his only luggage was a small bag1 for he told us1 with a rueful smile1 that his clothes were all in pawn4 ,i had an extra suit or two which1 being of about my size1 he was able to wear4 ,i felt immensely drawn to him1 and his story touched my pity as well as stirred my admiration4 ,it was a happy evening we all spent in the little bedroom1 for he was not only well-read--he knew my various 8,eastern books0 and could talk about them interestingly--but had a fine tenor voice into the bargain4 ,my fiddle came out of its case1 and if the other lodgers disliked our duets1 they did not1 at any rate1 complain4 ,boyde sang1 he further told us1 in the choir of the #bnd ,avenue ,baptist ,church1 and was assistant organist there as well1 but made little out of this latter job1 as he was only called upon when the other man was unable to attend4 ,he even taught sometimes in the ,sunday ,school--8to keep in the pastor's good books10 as he explained with a laugh4 ,but the chief thing he told us that night was the heartening information that1 when all other chances failed1 there was always a fair living to be earned by posing to artists at #ej cents an hour1 or a dollar and a half for a full sitting of three hours4 ,it was easy work and not difficult to get4 ,he would gladly introduce us to the various studios1 as soon as they opened1 most of the artists being still in the country4 ,the search for work was a distressing business1 when to the inevitable question 8,what can you do80 the only possible1 but quite futile1 reply was1 8,i'll do anything40 ,i had collected the ten dollars from ,harper's ,young ,people1 but a letter to ,storey for more work brought no reply4 ,the payment for the ,toronto packing-case and for a week's rent of the rooms had reduced the exchequer so seriously that in a few days there was only the ,harper's money in hand4 ,boyde1 who stayed on at our urgent invitation1 shared all he earned1 and taught us1 besides1 the trick of using the free lunch-counters in hotels and saloons4 ,for a glass of beer at five cents1 a customer could eat such snacks as salted chip-potatoes1 strips of spiced liver sausage1 small squares of bread1 and pungent almonds1 all calculated to stimulate unnatural thirst4 ,the hotels provided more sumptuous dishes1 though the price of drink was higher1 and the calm way ,boyde would help himself deliberately to a plate and fork1 with an ample supply of the best food he could find1 then carry it all back to his glass of lager under the bar-tender's very nose1 was an ideal we could only hope to achieve by practice as long as his own4 ,it was a question of nerve4 ,our midday meal was now invariably of this kind4 ,the free lunch brigade1 to which we belonged1 was tolerantly treated by the majority of bar-tenders4 ,a thirty cents dinner at ,krisch's in the evening1 choosing the most bulky dishes1 ended the long tiring day of disappointing search4 ,boyde also made us buy oatmeal1 with tin pot and fixture for cooking over the gas-jet4 ,he was invaluable in a dozen ways1 always cheery1 already on the right side of ,mrs4 ,bernstein1 and turning up every evening with a dollar or two he had earned during the day4 ,he further taught us--the moment had come1 he thought--to pawn4 ,the packing-case in the basement was opened and rummaged through 7a half-used cheque-book from ,toronto days was a pathetic relic67 for things on which ,ikey of #crd ,avenue might offer a few dollars4 ,the tennis cups1 won at little ,canadian tournaments1 seemed attractive1 he thought1 but our ,english overcoats would fetch most money4 ,the weather was still comfortable 444 we sallied forth1 hoping ,mrs4 ,bernstein would not see us1 carrying two tennis cups and a couple of good overcoats4 ,everybody stared and grinned1 it seemed1 though actually of course1 no one gave us a glance4 ,boyde1 humming ,lohengrin1 was absolutely nonchalant4 ,for me1 the pawnbroker's door provided sensations similar to those ,i knew when first entering the ,hub just a year before4 8,i want ten dollars on these10 said ,boyde1 in a firm voice4 8,what'll you give8 ,i shall take 'em out next week40 ,the ,jew behind the counter gave one glance at the tennis cups1 then pushed them contemptuously aside2 the overcoats he examined carefully1 holding them up to the light for holes or threadbare patches1 feeling the linings1 turning the sleeves inside out4 8,good ,english cloth10 mentioned ,boyde4 8,hardly used at all40 8,a dollar each10 said the man1 laying them down as though the deal was finished4 ,he turned to make out the tickets4 ,he had not looked at us once yet4 ,boyde picked them up and turned to go4 8,two dollars10 he said flatly1 8,i can get five in #dth ,avenue40 8,go ged it10 was the reply1 the man's back still turned on us4 ,boyde gave a cheery laugh4 8,make it three dollars for the two10 he suggested in an off-hand manner1 8with another couple for the cups4 ,they're prizes4 ,we wouldn't lose them for worlds40 ,the man looked at us for the first time2 we were fairly well dressed1 obviously ,english1 three hulking customers of a type he was not used to4 ,perhaps he really believed we might redeem the cups one day4 8,worth less than nozzing10 he said in his ,yiddish accent4 ,the keen1 appraising look he gave us made me feel even less than that4 8,worth a lot to us1 though10 came ,boyde's quick comment4 8,name80 queried the man1 bending over a table with his back turned again4 8,john ,doe10 came promptly1 and a moment later1 with the ticket1 the ,jew handed out four dirty dollar bills and fifty cents in coin4 ,the interest was twelve per cent4 per month1 and the articles could be redeemed any time up to the end of a year4 8,never ask more than you really need at the moment10 was ,boyde's advice as we came out into the street4 8,i could have raised him a few dollars probably1 but1 remember1 you'll have to get the coats out again before long40 ,when we got back to the room a ,western ,union telegram lay on the table for him2 it was from ,davis3 8,please call to-morrow #c o'clock without fail re ,rockaway10 it read4 ,and hope ran high4 ,that night we spent half of our new money at ,krisch's1 giving a tip of thirty cents to ,otto4444 ,some ten days to a fortnight had passed1 and ,october with its cooler winds had come1 though life was still possible without overcoats4 ,our dress-clothes were now in ,ikey's1 moth-balls beside them4 ,the ,chinese laundry had been paid1 but not the second week's rent1 for money was very low and dinners of the smallest4 ,practice at the free lunch counters had improved our methods of strolling up absent-mindedly1 perceiving the food apparently for the first time1 then picking up with quick fingers the maximum quantity4 ,kay1 meanwhile1 had secured a part in a touring company which was to start out for a series of one-night stands in about three weeks1 his salary of fifteen dollars to begin with the first night4 ,he was already rehearsing4 ,my own efforts had produced nothing4 ,boyde1 too1 had not yet landed his huntsman job1 which was to include comfortable quarters as well as a good salary4 ,i had been down with him when he went to see ,davis1 waiting in the street till he came out1 and the interview1 though reassuring1 he told me1 involved a little further delay still4 ,he1 therefore1 continued his odd jobs1 calling at the theatre every night and matine to see if he was wanted1 playing the organ in church occasionally1 and getting a small fee for singing in the choir4 ,he shared with us as we shared with him2 he slept on the sofa in our room2 he was welcome to wear my extra suits of clothes--until ,ikey might care to see them4 ,then1 quite suddenly1 fate played a luckier card4 ,kay and ,i were at the free lunch counter of the ,fifth ,avenue ,hotel1 ,boyde having been called away to do something at his ,baptist church1 when ,bob ,mantell strolled up1 bringing a tall1 grey-haired man with him4 ,the next minute he was introducing me to ,cecil ,clay1 with a remark to the effect that he must surely have known my father1 and that ,i surely must know ,mr4 ,clay's famous book on whist4 ,cecil ,clay1 anyhow1 was a kindly old ,englishman1 and evidently was aware how the land lay with us1 for a few minutes later he had given me a card to ,laffan1 manager of the ,new ,york ,sun4 8,go and see him the day after to-morrow10 he said4 8,meanwhile ,i'll write him a line about you40 ,had it been possible to go then and there ,i should have felt more confidence and less nervousness than when ,i called at the appointed hour4 ,the interval1 with its hopeful anticipation and alternate dread1 was a bad preparation for appearing at my best4 ,after a few questions1 however1 ,mr4 ,laffan1 a man of very powerful position in the newspaper world1 a great art collector and connoisseur1 head1 too1 of the ,laffan ,news ,bureau1 said that ,mr4 ,mc,cloy1 managing editor of the ,evening ,sun1 would give me a trial as a reporter1 and ,i could start next ,monday--four days away--at fifteen dollars a week4 ,i had mentioned that ,i knew ,french and ,german1 and could write shorthand4 ,he spoke to me in both languages1 but1 luckily1 he did not think of testing the speed and accuracy of my self-taught ,pitman4 ,on the staff of a great ,new ,york newspaper6 ,that it was anti-,british and pro-,tammany did not bother me4 ,a reporter6 ,a starting salary of #c a week that might grow6 ,i wrote the news to my father that very afternoon1 and that night ,kay1 ,boyde and ,i had almost a festive dinner at ,krisch's restaurant--that is1 we ended with sweets and coffee4 ,the following day ,i spent practising my rusty shorthand1 about #ij words a minute being my best speed consistent with legibility4 ,would it be fast enough8 ,i might have spared myself the trouble for all the use shorthand was to me on the ,evening ,sun during the two years ,i remained with it4 ,only once--much later1 when ,i was with the ,new ,york ,times1 did it prove of value1 securing for me on that occasion an increase of salary4444 ,the slogan of the ,sun1 printed on each copy was1 8,if you ,see it in the ,sun it is so60 accuracy the strong point4 ,the ,times preferred a moral tinge3 8,all the ,news that's ,fit to ,print40 ,both mottoes were faithfully observed and rigidly practised4 ,,chapter ,,xii ,if any young man learning values wants to know the quickest way to study the seamy side of life1 to understand the darkest aspects of human nature1 and incidentally1 to risk the loss of every illusion he ever had1 let him become a reporter on an up-to-date ,new ,york newspaper4 ,within six months he will be apt to believe that every man has his price2 he will become acquainted with vice1 crime1 horror1 terror1 and every kind of human degradation2 theft1 murder1 arson will seem commonplaces1 forgery a very ordinary affair2 men and women1 it may even seem to him1 8go straight10 not because of any inherent principle of goodness in them1 but because that degree of temptation which constitutes their particular 8price0 has not yet offered itself4 ,passion of every type1 abnormal1 often incredible1 will be his daily study2 if he reflects a little he will probably reach the conclusion that either jealousy in some form1 or greed for money1 lie at the root of every crime that is ever committed4 ,the overwhelming power of these two passions will startle him1 at any rate1 and his constant association with only one aspect of life1 and that the worst and lowest1 will probably produce the conviction that1 given only the opportunity1 everybody is bad4 ,his conception of women may suffer in particular4 ,the experience1 contrariwise1 may widen his tolerance and deepen his charity2 also1 it may leave him as it left me1 with an ineradicable contempt for those who1 born in ease1 protected from the temptations due to poverty and misery1 so carelessly condemn the weak1 the criminal and the outcast4 ,with bigger experience may come1 in time1 a better view2 equally1 it may never come4 ,proportion is not so easily recovered1 for the mind1 at an impressionable age1 has been deeply marked4 ,the good1 the beautiful1 the lovely1 in a ,new ,york paper1 is very rarely 8news02 it is considered as fake1 bunkum1 humbug1 a pose2 it is looked at askance1 regarded with suspicion1 as assumed by someone for the purpose of a 8deal02 it is rarely worth its space1 at any rate4 ,a reporter finds himself in a cynical school2 he is lucky if he escape in the end with a single rag of illusion to his back4 ,if he has believed1 up to the age of twenty-one1 as ,i did1 that the large majority of people are decent1 kindly1 honest folk1 he will probably lose even that last single rag4 ,on the ,evening ,sun1 certainly1 it was not the good1 the beautiful1 the clean1 that constituted the most interesting news and got scare headlines and extra editions4 ,i give1 of course1 merely the impression made upon my own mind and type1 coloured as these were1 some thirty years ago1 by a characteristically ignorant and innocent upbringing4444 ,the important newspapers1 in those days1 were all 8down town10 grouped about ,park ,row1 and the shabby1 tumble-down building of the ,sun was not imposing4 ,the ,world and ,times towered above it2 the ,morning ,advertiser1 the ,evening ,telegram1 even the ,recorder were better housed2 the ,journal had not yet brought ,w4 ,r4 ,hearst's methods from ,san ,francisco4 ,for all its humble offices1 the ,sun was1 perhaps1 the greatest power in the city4 ,it was openly ,tammany2 it had a grand1 courageous editor1 ,charles ,a4 ,dana4 8,charles ,a40 was an imposing figure1 a man of immense ability1 a 8crank0 perhaps in certain ways1 but a respected chief of outstanding character and fearless policy4444 ,my own chief1 however1 was ,w4 ,c4 ,mc,cloy1 and the offices where he reigned as managing editor were housed on the top floor of the rickety building1 with the machinery making such a din and roar and clatter that we had to shout to make ourselves heard at all4 ,metal sheets that clanged and pinged as we walked on them covered the floors4 ,it was amid this pandemonium ,i had my first interview with him4 ,an iron spiral staircase led from the quiet workrooms of the ,morning ,sun1 on the first floor1 to the dark1 low-ceilinged space1 where the whirring printing presses were not even partitioned off from the tables of editorial departments or reporters4 ,it was like a factory going at full speed4 ,hours were #h4cj ,a4,m4 to #f4cj ,p4,m41 or later if an extra--a #fth or #gth--edition was called for4 ,i arrived at #h4ae4 ,in a dark corner of this machinery shop ,i introduced myself with trepidation to ,mc,cloy1 mentioning ,mr4 ,laffan's name1 and saw the blank look come and go1 as he stared at me with 8,blackwood1 ,blackwood8444 ,oh1 yes1 ,i remember6 ,you're fifteen dollars a week4 ,a ,britisher from ,canada4444 ,well1 you'll have to look lively here60 ,he seemed so intensely busy and preoccupied1 his mind so charged with a sort of electric activity1 that ,i wondered he had time to open and shut his mouth4 ,a small1 thin man1 with the slightest of frail bodies1 nervous1 delicately shaped hands1 gimlet eyes that pierced1 a big head with protruding forehead1 a high-pitched1 twanging voice that penetrated easily above the roar of the machinery1 and a general air of such lightning speed and such popping1 spitting energy that ,i felt he might any moment flash into flame or burst with a cracking report into a thousand pieces--this was the man on whom my living depended for many months to come4 ,the phrase 8,new ,york hustler10 darted across my mind2 it stood in the flesh before me2 he lived on wires4 ,buried among this mechanic perfection1 however1 ,i caught1 odd to relate1 an incongruous touch--of kindness1 even of tenderness4 ,there were gentle lines in that electric face4 ,he had a smile ,i liked4 8,what are you out here for8 ,where have you come from8 ,what have you been doing8 ,what d'you know80 he asked with the rapidity of a machine-gun4 ,the shorthand rate must have been #djj words per minute4 ,i never talked so quickly in my life as in my brief reply4 ,i watched the smile come and go4 ,while he listened1 he was shouting instructions to reporters then streaming in1 to office boys1 to printers1 to sub-editors2 but his eyes never left my face1 and when ,i had finished my lightning sketch1 the machine-gun crackled with its deadliest aim again3 8,only one thing counts here2 get the news and get it quick2 method of no consequence4 ,get the news and get it first60 ,he darted off1 for the first edition went to press at #aj4cj4 ,as he went1 however1 he turned his head a moment4 8,write a story10 he backfired at me4 8,write your experiences--,from ,methodism to ,running a ,saloon10--and he vanished amid the whirling machinery in the back of the great room4 ,i have the pleasantest recollections of ,w4 ,c4 ,mc,cloy2 he was just1 fair1 sympathetic1 too1 when time permitted2 he showed me many little kindnesses2 he was ,presbyterian1 his parents ,scotch2 he was also--sober4 ,i proved a poor reporter1 and my salary remained at fifteen dollars all the time ,i was with the paper1 yet once he kept a place open for me for many weeks2 he even took me back when the consideration was hardly deserved4 ,that first day1 however1 ,i spent on tenterhooks1 fully expecting to be 8fired0 at its end4 ,i found a corner at the big reporters' table1 and1 having seized some 8copy0 paper from the general pile1 ,i sat down to write 8,from ,methodism to ,running a ,saloon10 without the faintest idea of how to do it4 ,a dozen reporters sat scribbling near me1 but no one paid me the smallest attention4 ,they came and went2 at another table ,cooper1 the ,city ,editor 7anglice news-editor7 issued the assignments2 the editorial writers arrived and sat at their little desks apart2 the roar and pandemonium were indescribable2 the first edition was going to press1 with ,mc,cloy in a dozen places at once1 but chiefly watching the make-up over the shoulders of the type-setters in the back of the room4444 ,i wrote on and on2 ,i believed it was rather good2 no one came to stop me1 no one looked at my 8copy0 or told me what length was wanted2 once or twice1 ,mc,cloy1 flashing by1 caught my eye1 but with a glance that suggested he didn't know who ,i was1 why ,i was there at all1 or what ,i was writing4444 ,the hours passed2 the first edition was already out2 the reporters were reading hurriedly their own work in print1 delighted if it was on the front page2 the space-men were measuring the columns to see how much they had earned2 and the make-up for the second edition1 out at noon1 was being hastened on behind the buzzing machinery in the rear4 ,by this time ,i must have written two columns at least1 and ,i began to wonder4 ,perhaps ,i was to appear in the principal final edition at six o'clock6 ,on the front page6 ,the article1 evidently1 was considered important6 ,the notion that ,i was making a fool of myself1 being made a fool of1 rather1 also occurred to me4 ,i wrote on and on 444 it was hunger finally that stopped me4 ,i was famished4 ,i turned to an albino reporter next me1 a mere boy1 whose peculiarity had earned him the nickname 8,whitey40 ,was ,i allowed to go out for lunch8 8,just tell ,cooper you're going10 he replied4 8,come out with me10 he added1 8if you've finished your story4 ,i'm going in a moment40 ,i finished my 8story0 then and there1 putting the circle with three dots in it which1 he explained1 meant finis to the printers4 8,just hand it in to ,cooper1 and we'll get right out10 he said4 ,i obeyed1 ,cooper taking my pile of 8copy0 with a grin1 and merely nodding his head when ,i mentioned lunch4 ,he was a young man with thick curly black hair1 big spectacles that magnified his good-natured eyes1 only slightly less rapid and electric than ,mc,cloy1 but yet so unsure of himself that the reporters soon found him out--and treated him accordingly4 ,i saw my precious 8copy0 shoved to one side of his desk1 but ,i never saw it again1 either in print or elsewhere4 ,no mention was ever made of it4 ,it was1 doubtless1 two columns of the dullest rubbish ever scribbled in that office4 8,i guess ,mac only wanted to see what you could do10 explained the albino1 as we swallowed 8sinkers0 7heavy dough scones7 and gulped down coffee at ,childs' ,cheap ,lunch ,counter round the corner4 ,whitey had invited me to lunch2 he 8put me wise0 about a thousand things2 showed me how to make a bit on my weekly expense-account1 if ,i wanted to2 how one could 8sneak off0 about five o'clock1 if one knew the way2 and1 most useful of all1 warned me as to accuracy in my facts and the right way to present them4 ,a 8story0 whether it was the weather story or a murder story1 should give in a brief first paragraph the essential facts--this satisfied the busy man who had no time to read more2 the second paragraph should amplify these facts--for those who wanted to know more2 afterwards--for those interested personally in the story--should come 8any stuff you can pick up40 ,an item that seemed exclusive--a 8scoop0 or 8beat0 he called it--should come in the very beginning1 so as to justify the headlines4 8,whitey0 was always a good friend to me4 8,make friends with the reporters on other papers10 he advised1 8then you won't get badly left on the story you're all #8covering4' ,most of 'em give up all right40 ,he gave me names of sundry who never 8gave up10 skunks he called them4 ,as we hurried back to the office half an hour later1 he dived into a drug store on the ground floor4 ,the way most of the reporters frequented this drug store puzzled me for a time1 till ,i learned that whisky was to be had there in a little back room4 ,the chemist had no license1 but by paying a monthly sum to the ward man of the district--part of immense revenues paid to ,tammany by every form of law-breaking1 from gambling-halls and disorderly houses to far graver things--he was allowed to dispense liquor4 ,it was a pretty system1 marvellously organized down to the lowest detail2 cash to the ward man opened most doors2 a policeman paid #cjj before he even got a nomination on the force2 vice paid gigantic tribute2 but the people liked a ,tammany ,government because 8they knew where they were0 with it1 though the ,sun1 my paper1 was the only journal that boldly supported it--for which ,charles ,a4 ,dana was forever being attacked4 ,i acquired much inside experience of the secret workings of ,tammany ,hall before my newspaper days came to an end4444 ,it appalled me4 ,that afternoon1 ,i had two assignments1 and failed badly in both4 ,the first was to find a company promoter who had got into trouble1 and to ask him 8all about it40 ,i could not find him2 his house1 his office1 his club knew him not4 ,after two hours' frantic search1 ,i returned crestfallen1 expecting to be dismissed there and then4 ,cooper1 however1 cut short my lengthy explanations with a shrug of the shoulders1 and sent me up to the ,fort ,lee woods1 across the ,hudson ,river1 to find out 8all about0 a suicide whose body had just been discovered under the trees4 8,get his name right1 why he did it1 and what the relatives have to say10 were his parting words4 ,the ,fort ,lee woods were miles away1 ,i saw the body--an old man with a bullet hole in his temple1 ,i found his son at the police station1 and asked him what his tears and grief made permissible1 the answer being that 8he had no troubles and we can't think what made him do it40 ,then ,i telephoned these few facts to the office4 ,on getting back myself at half-past six when the last edition was already on the streets1 ,cooper showed me the final edition of the ,evening ,world4 ,it had a column on the front page with big head-lines4 ,the suicide was a defaulter1 and the reporter gave a complete story of his gambling life4 ,cooper offered no comment4 ,the ,evening ,world had got 8a beat02 and ,i had failed badly4 ,i sat down at the reporters' table and wondered what would happen1 and then saw1 lying before me1 our own last edition with exactly the same story1 similar big headlines1 and all the important facts complete4 ,an interview with the company promoter was also in print4 ,i was at a loss to understand what had happened until ,whitey1 on the way into the drug-store a little later1 explained things3 the ,united ,press1 a news agency that 8covered0 everything1 had sent the story4 ,the 8flimsy0 men1 so called because they wrote on thin paper that made six copies at once1 were very valuable4 8,make friends with them10 said ,whitey1 8and no one will ever get a beat on you4 ,they're paid a salary and don't care4 ,it's only the space-men1 as a rule1 who won't give up40 ,,chapter ,,xiii ,as a new 8bum reporter10 however1 ,i had a hectic life1 but rapidly made friends with the other men1 and a mutual loathing of the work brought us easily together4 ,friday was pay-day2 by ,wednesday everybody was trying to borrow money--one dollar1 usually--from everybody else1 the debts being always faithfully repaid when the little envelopes were collected at the cashier's office downstairs4 ,my first week's reporting passed in a whirl of feverish excitement4 ,assignments of every possible kind were hurled at me4 ,i raced and flew about4 ,the 8,britisher10 the 8,english accent10 were a source of amusement to the staff1 but there was no ill-nature4 ,cooper seemed to like me2 he chuckled2 he even gave me hints4 8,well1 ,mr4 ,britisher1 did you get it this time80 ,few of my first efforts were used1 the flimsy report being printed instead1 but a divorce case in special sessions1 and interviews with the principals in it1 brought me into notice1 the story being put in the front page of the first edition4 ,when ,i came down on the following ,monday1 ,mc,cloy whipped up to me like a steel spring released4 8,you can cover the ,tombs this morning10 he rattled4 8,anything big must be in by ten at the latest4 ,use judgment and pick out the best stories4 ,don't let anyone get a beat on you40 ,he flashed away1 and ,i tore down to the ,tombs ,police ,court4 ,the ,tombs--,i can smell to-day its peculiar mixture of extremely dirty humanity1 cheap scent1 very old clothes1 ,chinese opium1 stale liquor1 iodoform1 and a tinge of nameless disinfectant4 ,in winter the hot-air which was the means of heating the court whose windows were never opened1 and in summer the stifling1 humid atmosphere1 to say nothing of the added flavour of acid perspiration1 were equally abominable4 ,the building1 with its copy of ,egyptian architecture1 vies in gloom with the prison in ,venice1 though the former takes unpleasant precedence--a veritable ,hall of ,eblis1 with thick walls1 impressive portals1 a general air of hopeless and portentous doom about even its exterior4 ,there was a grimness in its dark passages that made the heart sink1 truly an awe-ful building4 ,the interior was spick and span and clean as a hospital ward1 but the horror of that repellent outside leaked through somehow4 ,both inside and outside1 the ,tombs ,prison became as familiar to me as my room in ,east #aith ,street2 many a prisoner ,i interviewed in his cell1 many a wretch ,i talked with through the bars of his last earthly cage in ,murderers' ,row2 ,i never entered the forbidding place without a shudder1 nor stepped into the open air again without relief4 ,the routine of the police court1 too1 became mechanical as the months went by4 ,the various reporters acted in concert2 we agreed which stories we would use1 and in this way no paper got a 8beat0 on the others4 ,the man on duty stood beside the ,tammany magistrate1 making his notes as each case came up4 ,it was a depressing1 often a painful1 business4 ,the cases rattled by very quickly--arson1 burglary1 forgery1 gambling1 opium dens1 street women1 all came up1 but it was from assaults that we usually culled our morning assortment for the first edition4 ,negroes used a razor1 ,italians a stiletto1 white men a knife1 a pistol1 a club or a sandbag4 ,women used hatpins mostly4 ,it was1 of course1 some particular feature1 either picturesque or horrible1 that lent value to a case4 ,gradually my 8nose for news0 was sharpened4 ,it was a friendly little ,german ,jew1 named ,freytag1 who taught me how to make the commonest police story readable4 ,i had just 8given up0 the facts about a ,syrian girl who had been stabbed by a jealous lover1 and the reporters all round me were jotting down the details4 ,freytag1 who worked for ,hermann ,ridder's ,staatszeitung1 looked over my shoulder4 8,that's no good10 he said4 8,don't begin #8,miriam so-and-so1 living at such a place1 was stabbed at two o'clock this morning by ,whatshisname4444' ,that's not interesting4 ,begin like this3 #8,a mysterious crime with an exotic touch about it was committed in the early hours this morning when all worthy ,new ,yorkers were enjoying their beauty sleep4444 ,far away1 where the snows of the ,taurus ,mountains gleam to heaven1 the victim1 a lovely ,syrian maid1 once had her home4444'0 ,i followed his advice1 though my version was severely blue-pencilled1 but his point--selecting a picturesque angle of attack--was sound and useful4 ,the police court work was over by half-past ten1 and ,i was then generally sent on to report the trials in ,special or ,general ,sessions4 ,these1 naturally1 were of every sort and kind4 ,divorce1 alienation of affection and poison trials were usually the best news4 ,my hair often stood on end1 and some of the people were very unpleasant to interview4 ,the final talk before a man went to the ,chair was worst of all4 ,if the case was an important one1 ,i had to get an interview in the ,tombs ,prison cell before the day's trial--there was no sub judice prohibition in ,new ,york4 ,inevitably1 ,i formed my own opinion as to a man's innocence or guilt2 the faces1 gazing at me through bars1 would often haunt me for days4 ,carlyle ,harris1 calm1 indifferent1 cold as ice1 ,i still see1 as he peered past the iron in ,murderers' ,row1 protesting his innocence with his steely blue eyes fixed on mine2 he was a young medical student accused of poisoning his wife with morphia2 he was electrocuted 444 and ,lizzie ,borden 444 though this was in ,providence1 ,rhode ,island--who took all her clothes off1 lest the stains of blood betray her1 before killing her father and mother in their sleep4444 ,some of the cases made a lasting and horrible impression2 some even terrified4 ,the behaviour of individuals1 especially of different races1 when sentence was given also left vivid memories2 negroes1 appealing hysterically to ,god and using the most extraordinary1 invented words1 the longer the better2 the stolid1 unemotional ,chinamen2 the voluble ,italian2 the white man1 as a rule1 quiet1 controlled1 insisting merely in a brief sentence that he was innocent4 ,in a story1 years later 7,max ,hensig1 ,bacteriologist and ,murderer71 the facts were taken direct from life4 ,it needed more than fifteen years to dim their memory4 ,i remained the ,tombs reporter for the best part of a loathed1 distressing1 horror-laden year4 ,there were pleasanter intervals1 of course4 ,the ,french paper1 ,le ,courier des ,etats ,unis1 published a short story every ,monday1 and one day ,i translated an exceptionally clever one1 and submitted it to ,mc,cloy4 ,it was printed2 subsequently1 ,i was allowed an afternoon off weekly1 provided ,i translated a story each time1 and though no money was paid for these1 ,i secured a good many free hours to myself4 ,these hours ,i spent in the free library in ,lafayette ,place1 devouring the ,russians1 as well as every kind of book ,i could find on psychology2 or else in going out to ,bronx ,park1 a long tram journey1 where ,i found trees and lovely glades and water4 ,bronx ,park1 not yet the home of the ,new ,york 8,zoo10 was a paradise to me1 the nearest approach to the woods that ,i could find4 ,every ,sunday1 wet or fine1 ,i went there4 ,in a cache ,i hid a teapot1 and would make a tiny fire and drink milkless tea4 ,i could hear the wind and see the stars and taste the smell of earth and leaves1 the clean1 sweet things4444 ,one morning in the second week of my apprenticeship1 ,i interviewed a lion4 8,afraid of wild animals1 ,mr4 ,britisher80 inquired ,cooper1 looking at me quizzically4 ,i stared1 wondering what he meant4 ,it was my duty to have read the morning paper thoroughly1 but there had been no mention of any wild animal4 ,i replied that ,i thought ,i didn't mind wild animals4 8,take your gun10 said ,cooper1 8and get up to ,east #bjth ,street1 between ,third and ,fourth ,avenues4 ,bostock's ,circus came to town last night late4 ,their lion's escaped4 ,they've chased it into a stable4 ,killed a valuable horse4 ,neighbourhood's paralysed with terror4 ,it's a man-eater4 ,send down bulletins about it4 ,now1 better get a move on60 ,on leaving the elevated train at ,east #ahth ,street1 the streets were black with people1 they even pressed up the front steps of the houses4 ,the word 8lion0 was in everybody's mouth4 ,something about ,cooper's voice and eyes had made me suspect a 8fake40 ,as ,i forced my way through towards #bjth ,street1 there came a roar that set the air trembling even above the din of voices4 ,it was certainly no fake4 ,on reaching #bjth ,street1 the cordon of police1 with pistols ready1 keeping the crowd in order1 showed plainly where the stable was4 ,gradually ,i bored a way through4 ,the stable stood back from the road1 a courtyard in front of it4 ,a ladder1 crowded already with reporters climbing up1 led to a hayloft just above4 ,i met the ,evening ,telegram man1 whom ,i knew1 half-way up this ladder4 8,got a messenger boy8 ,no6 ,then you can share mine10 he offered good-naturedly4 ,the only occupants of the yard were a dozen of these messenger boys1 waiting to take the 8copy0 to the various newspaper offices4 ,it was #h4cj ,a4,m4 ,i noticed to my surprise that the ,evening ,telegram man was a star reporter2 three rungs above him1 to my still greater surprise1 climbed ,richard ,harding ,davis4 ,my vanity was stirred4 ,this was a big story1 yet ,cooper had chosen me6 ,as ,i squeezed up the ladder1 my hands stuffed with paper1 the lion below gave forth an awe-inspiring roar2 it was a dreadful sound4 ,the great doors of wood seemed matchwood easily burst through4 ,the crowd swayed back a moment1 then1 with a cheer1 swayed forward again4 ,in the loft ,i found some twenty reporters2 each time the brute gave its terrible roar they scuttled into corners1 behind the hay1 even up into the rafters of the darkened loft4 ,pistol shots accompanied every roar1 and the added terror lest a bullet from below might pierce the boards on which we stood1 made us all jump about like dervishes4 ,one man wrote his story1 perched in the dark on the highest rafter1 from which he never once moved4 ,i scribbled away1 and threw down my 8stuff0 to the boy below4 ,meanwhile the circus officials were doing their best to force the great beast into a cage4 ,this cage stood ready against the outside doors in the yard1 and at the right moment these doors would be swiftly opened4 ,on being driven into the stable1 the animal had found1 and quickly killed1 a trotting horse1 valued at #b1jjj1 standing in its stall4 ,this detail ,i at first disbelieved1 but when my turn came to kneel and peer through the trap-door for feeding the hay down into the dark stable below1 ,i found it was all true4 ,in the centre of the floor the great lion was plainly visible1 not six feet below my own face1 lying with two paws stretched upon the carcass of a torn1 dead horse4 ,the smell of flesh and blood rose to my nostrils4 ,in a dim corner perched on a refrigerator1 sat one of the trainers1 a pistol in his hand4 ,in another corner1 but invisible from my peephole1 crouched another circus man1 also with his pistol1 and each time the lion made an ugly move1 both men fired off their weapons4444 ,i wrote more 8bulletins10 and dropped them down to a messenger boy in the yard4 ,he hurried off1 then returned to fetch more 8copy02 ,i sent at least a column for the first edition4 ,i felt a very proud reporter4 ,after two hours of thrills and scares1 the news spread that the ,strong ,man of the circus was on his way down1 a fearless ,samson of a fellow who lifted great weights4 ,the news proved true4 ,a prolonged cheer greeted him4 ,he acknowledged it with a sweeping bow4 ,he wore diamonds and a top hat4 ,swaggering up among the reporters1 he announced in a loud voice3 8,boys6 ,i'm going to fix that lion1 and ,i'm going to fix it right away60 ,the boastful bluff received no believing cheer in response1 but to my amazement1 the fellow proved as good as his talk4 ,he said no further word1 he just lifted the trap-door in the floor and began to squeeze himself through--straight down onto the very spot where the lion lay1 crouching below on the dead horse4 ,he dropped4 ,we heard the thud4 ,we also heard the appalling roar that followed1 the quick pistol shots1 the shouts1 the excited cries--then silence4 ,the reporter at the trap-door called out to us what was happening4444 ,that ,strong ,man was a hero4 ,ten or fifteen minutes later1 the big stable-doors swung open1 and the cage1 with the lion safely inside it1 emerged on a high-wheeled truck into full view of the cheering crowd4 ,on the top of the cage1 sweeping his shiny top hat about1 bowing1 waving his free hand with modest dignity to the admiring thousands1 the ,strong ,man sat enthroned1 cross-legged1 proud and smiling4 ,the procession through the streets of the city was a triumphal progress that lasted most of the day4 ,that night ,bostock's ,circus opened to the public4 ,i hurried back to the office1 and had the joy of seeing the first edition hawked and cried about the streets1 even before ,i got there4 ,big head-lines about a 8,man-eating ,lion10 a 8,two ,thousand ,dollar ,trotting ,horse10 8,heroic ,rescuer10 and the rest1 met my eye everywhere4 ,cooper1 however1 made no remark or comment1 sending me on at once to report a murder trial at special sessions1 and in half an hour the gruesome thrills of a horrible poison case made the lion and the strong man fade away4 8,read your morning paper80 ,cooper asked1 when ,i appeared next morning4 ,i nodded4 ,the lion story1 ,i had noticed1 filled only half a stick of print4 8,read the advertisements80 he asked next4 ,i saw a twinkle in his eye1 and quickly scanned the circus advertisements about the man-eating lion that had killed a trotting horse1 and a strong man whose courage had done this and that1 saving numerous lives 444 but ,i was still puzzled by ,cooper's twinkling eye4 ,he offered no word of explanation2 ,i learned the truth from someone else later4 ,the toothless1 aged lion1 gorged with food and doped as well1 had been pushed into the stable overnight1 the carcass of a horse1 valued at #aj1 had been dragged in after it4 ,the newspapers had been notified1 and the long advertisements1 of course1 were paid for in the ordinary way1 but the free advertisement obtained was of a kind that mere dollars could not buy4 ,occasional interludes of this sort certainly brightened the sordid daily routine1 but they were rare4 ,a big fire was a thrilling experience1 a metal badge pinned to the coat allowing the reporter to go as near as he liked and to run what risks he pleased4 ,such work became1 with time1 mechanical in a sense1 it occurred so often1 arson1 too1 being very frequent1 especially among the ,jews of the ,east side4 ,even in those days the story of the two ,jews was a 8chestnut03 8,i'm thorry your blace of business got burnt down last ,tuesday10 says ,ikey4 ,to which ,moses replies3 8,hush6 ,it's next ,tuesday60 ,the rle of the reporter in ,new ,york1 of course1 was an accepted one2 publicity and advertisement were admittedly desirable2 the reporter as a rule was welcomed2 privacy was very rare2 a reporter could1 and was expected to1 intrude into personal family affairs where1 in ,england1 he would be flung into the street4444 ,other interviews were of a pleasanter kind2 ,i remember ,henry ,irving and ,ellen ,terry in their special train1 ,sarah ,bernhardt1 at the ,hoffman ,house hotel1 and many a distinguished foreigner ,i was sent to interview because ,i could speak their languages4 ,the trip to meet the ,atlantic steamer at ,quarantine ,i regarded as a day off3 it could be made to last for hours4 ,i saw the coast1 moreover1 and smelt the sea4444 ,most of my work on the ,evening ,sun1 at any rate1 took me among the criminal and outcast sections of the underworld4 ,in those days the police1 as a whole1 were corrupt1 brutal1 heartless2 ,i saw innocent men against whom they had a grudge1 or whom they wanted out of the way for some reason1 8railroaded to gaol0 on cooked-up evidence2 sickening and dreadful scenes ,i witnessed4444 ,the valueless character of human evidence ,i learned daily in the trials ,i reported1 so that even a man who was trying to tell the truth seemed unable to achieve it4 ,tammany had its slimy tentacles everywhere and graft was the essence of success in every branch of public life4 ,a police captain had his town and country house1 perhaps his yacht as well4444 ,the story of ,tammany has been told again and again4 ,it is too well known for repetition4 ,i watched its vile methods from the inside with a vengeance2 its loathsome soul ,i saw face to face4 ,the city1 too1 ,i soon knew inside out1 especially its darker1 unclean quarters4 ,chinatown1 ,little ,africa1 where1 after dark1 it was best to walk in the middle of the street1 8,italy10 the tenement life of the overcrowded1 reeking ,east side4444 ,i made friends with strange people1 feeling myself even in touch with them1 something of an outcast like themselves4 ,my former life became more and more remote1 it seemed unreal2 the world ,i now lived in seemed the only world2 these evil1 depraved1 tempted1 unhappy devils were not only the majority1 but the real1 ordinary humanity that stocked the world4 ,more and more the under-dog appealed to me4 ,the rich1 the luxurious1 the easily-placed1 the untempted and inexperienced1 these ,i was beginning to find it in me to look down on1 even to despise4 ,mutatis mutandis1 ,i thought to myself1 daily1 hourly1 where would they be8444 ,where would ,i myself be4448 ,bronx ,park1 ,shelley1 the violin1 the free library1 organ recitals in churches1 my ,eastern books1 and meetings of the ,theosophical ,society1 provided meanwhile the few beauty hours to which ,i turned by way of relief and relaxation4 ,one and all fed my inner dreams1 gave me intense happiness1 offered a way of escape from a daily atmosphere ,i loathed like poison4 ,sometimes1 sitting in court1 reporting a trial of absorbing interest1 my eye would catch through the dirty window a patch of blue between the clouds 444 and instantly would sweep up the power of the woods1 the strange joy of clean solitary places in the wilderness1 the glamour of a secret little lake where loons were calling and waves splashing on deserted1 lonely shores4 ,i heard the pines1 saw the silvery moonlight1 felt the keen wind of open and untainted spaces1 ,i smelt the very earth and the perfume of the forests4444 ,a serious gap would follow in my report1 so that ,i would have to borrow from the flimsy man1 or from another reporter1 what had happened in the interval4 ,in this connexion there comes back to me a picture of a ,world man whose work constituted him a star reporter1 but who could write nothing unless he was really drunk4 ,with glazed eyes he would catch the witness and listen to question and answer1 while with a pencil he could scarcely direct1 he scribbled in immense writing three or four sloping lines to each page of 8copy0 paper4 ,it always astonished me that such work could be any good1 but once ,i made a shorthand note of several of his pages1 and found them printed verbatim in the next edition1 without a single blue-pencil alteration4 ,when this man sat next me1 my intervals of absent-mindedness did not matter4 ,his big writing enabled me to crib easily all ,i had missed4 ,other compensating influences1 too1 ,i found with my 8room-mates10 especially with ,boyde1 to whom ,i had become devotedly attached4 ,i was uncommonly lucky to have such friends1 ,i thought4 ,talking with ,boyde1 playing the fiddle to his singing1 sharing my troubles with his subtle1 sympathetic1 well-read mind1 was an unfailing pleasure1 that made me look forward intensely to our evenings together1 and helped me to get through many a day of repulsive and distasteful work4 ,compared with the charm and variety of ,boyde1 ,kay seemed stolid1 even unresponsive sometimes4 ,to live consciously is to register impressions2 some receive many more of these per second than others1 and thus enjoy an intenser and more varied life4 ,the two-per-second mind finds the two-per-minute one slow1 dull and stupid4 ,kay1 anyhow1 didn't 8mind0 things much1 circumstances never troubled him1 whereas ,boyde and ,i minded them acutely4 ,i envied ,kay's power of sleeping calmly in that bed1 careless of night-attacks until they actually came4 ,the horror of ,new ,york1 similarly1 that was creeping into my blood had hardly touched him1 though it certainly had infected ,boyde4 ,in my own make-up lay something ultra-sensitive that took impressions far too easily4 ,not only did it vibrate with unnecessary eagerness to every change in sky and sea1 but to every shade of attitude and manner in my fellows as well4 ,i seemed covered with sore and tender places into which ,new ,york rubbed salt and acid every hour of the day4 ,it wounded1 not alone because ,i felt unhappy1 but of itself4 ,it hit me where it pleased4 ,the awful city1 with its torrential1 headlong life1 held for me something of the monstrous4 ,everything about it was exaggerated4 ,its racing speed1 its roofs amid the clouds with the canyon gulfs below1 its gaudy avenues dripping gold that ran almost arm in arm with streets little better than sewers of human decay and misery1 its frantic noise1 both of voices and mechanism1 its lavishly organized charity and boastful splendour1 and its deep corruption in the grip of a heartless and degraded ,tammany--it was all this that painted the horror into my imagination as of something monstrous1 non-human1 almost unearthly4 ,it became1 for me1 a scab on the skin of the planet1 brilliant with the hues of fever1 moving all over with its teeming microbes4 ,i felt it1 indeed1 but half civilized4 ,this note of how ,i felt in these--my early years--rose up again the other day1 as ,i read what ,o4 ,henry wrote to his outlaw friend from the ,ohio ,penitentiary about it4 ,al ,jennings had just been pardoned4 ,o4 ,henry had finished his terms some years before4 ,they met again in a ,west #bfth ,street hotel1 not far from my own room in ,mrs4 ,bernstein's house4 ,they talked of their terrible prison days4 8,it's good you've been there10 said ,o4 ,henry4 8,it's the proper vestibule to this city of ,damned ,souls4 ,the crooks there are straight compared with the business thieves here4 ,if you've got #b on you1 invest it now or they'll take it away from you before morning40 ,,chapter ,,xiv ,in the ,east #aith ,street room1 meanwhile1 things were going from bad to worse4 ,kay's touring company delayed its starting1 and consequently his salary4 ,boyde's huntsman's job1 equally1 was postponed for various reasons1 while his income from posing1 from churchly activities1 from the theatre as well1 was reduced to a very few dollars a week4 ,these he shared faithfully1 but my #ae every ,friday 7usually #ac net when office loans had been repaid7 were our only certain source of revenue4 ,after paying something on the room1 the laundry in full1 and buying oatmeal1 dried apples1 and condensed milk for the week to come1 there remained barely enough for one man's meals1 much less for the food of three1 during the ensuing seven days4 ,boyde's contribution brought the budget to1 perhaps1 twenty dollars all told4 ,something1 too1 had to be allowed daily to car-fares for ,kay1 while my own expenses in getting about after assignments1 only recoverable at the end of the week1 were considerable4 ,the weather was turning colder at the same time1 for it was now past mid-,october4 ,our overcoats had to be redeemed4 ,boyde's wisdom in obtaining only the strictly necessary became evident4 ,we redeemed the overcoats out of my second week's pay4 ,boyde himself had no overcoat at all4 ,as we were all about the same height and build1 clothes were interchangeable4 ,there was a discussion every morning1 when ,i left the other two1 in bed and on the sofa respectively1 as to who should wear what4 ,we had now pawned with ,ikey various items3 a ,gladstone bag1 two top hats1 some underwear1 and two pairs of boots4 ,these were on separate tickets1 by ,boyde's advice4 ,tennis trousers1 and several summer shirts were together on another ticket4 ,all that winter ,kay and ,i wore no underwear but a vest4 ,the bag and top hats were taken out and put in again regularly every week for many months4 ,there was only one article that1 selfishly1 ,i could never pawn or sell--the fiddle4 ,dried apples and hot water--with expensive oatmeal we had to be very sparing--constituted our dinner for four nights out of the week2 coffee and bread and butter for breakfast1 coffee and 8sinkers0 for lunch completed my dietary4 ,occasionally ,boyde or ,kay1 having been invited to a meal1 brought home something in their pockets1 but not often4 ,we felt hunger every day1 only the evening dried apples and hot water giving a sense of repletion that yet did not really allay the pangs of appetite1 though it stopped the dull gnawing until sleep finally obliterated it4 ,kay and ,i1 but never ,boyde1 oddly enough1 had vivid and amusing dreams of food1 and one invariable topic of conversation every night as we dined at ,krisch's1 or gobbled apples and oatmeal1 was the menu we would order when things improved4444 ,but ,krisch's1 after a time1 we found too difficult and tempting1 with the good smells1 the sight of people eating at other tables1 the lager beer1 the perfume of cigars2 and many a time1 with the price of a dinner in our pockets1 we preferred to eat in our room4 ,another topic of conversation was our plan1 myself its enthusiastic creator1 to take up land in ,canada and lead the life of settlers in the backwoods1 which by contrast to our present conditions seemed to promise a paradise4 ,occasionally ,kay spouted bits of ,shakespeare1 or rehearsed a rle in one of the plays his touring company was to give4 ,but it was the talks with ,boyde about ,eastern ideas and philosophy that were my keenest pleasure1 for his appreciation and sympathetic understanding were a delight ,i thought about with anticipatory eagerness even during the day4 ,my attachment to him deepened into affection4 ,the weeks went by2 we scraped along somehow2 ,mrs4 ,bernstein was kept quiet--a relative term--by cajoling1 promises and bluff4 ,we bullied her4 ,when ,kay's lordly talk of free seats at theatres failed to materialize1 and ,boyde's trick of leaving about telegrams received from ,davis and others1 especially one from ,august ,belmont1 the great banker1 inviting him to lunch at a fashionable club--when these devices lost their 8pull10 ,i resorted to the power of the ,press4 ,her husband's position1 his orchestra1 offered vulnerable points of attack2 the vermin-infested room1 for instance1 might be unpleasantly described4444 ,for weeks we had paid nothing1 everything worth fifty cents was pawned1 ,boyde's contribution had grown smaller and smaller1 and the only addition to my salary had been a few dollars ,kay had earned by posing to ,smedley1 one of ,harper's illustrators4 ,things looked pretty dark1 when luck turned suddenly2 ,kay received word from ,gilmour1 the organizer of his company1 that he was to start touring on ,november #aeth1 and ,boyde had a telegram from ,davis--8,appointment confirmed1 duties begin ,december #ast40 ,this did not increase our cash in hand1 but it increased our hope and raised our spirits4 ,kay and ,boyde would both soon repay their share of past expenses4 ,we should all three be in jobs a few weeks later4 ,early in ,november ,kay actually left on his tour of one night stands in ,new ,york ,state1 and ,boyde left the mattress on the floor for the bed4 ,a week after ,kay sent us half his first salary1 #g4ej1 which we gave to ,mrs4 ,bernstein forthwith4 ,the letter containing it was opened by ,boyde1 and dealt with while ,i was out4 ,it was a few days later1 when ,i was alone one evening1 that an ,englishman who had played with us in the cricket match called to see me4 ,i hardly remembered him1 he had to introduce himself1 the apologies to explain his sudden call were very voluble4 ,he was well dressed and well fed1 ,i noticed1 a singer and concert accompanist2 he annoyed me from the start by his hesitations1 his endless humming and hawing4 ,it was1 he kept telling me1 rather an intrusion2 it was1 he felt1 of course1 no concern of his2 but 8,new ,york was a strange place1 and--and--er--er--well1 after much reflection1 ,i really felt it my duty--,i decided to take the risk1 that is1 to--er----0 8,to what80 ,i asked bluntly at last4 8,for heaven's sake1 tell me40 ,i was beginning to feel uneasy4 ,my threats to ,mrs4 ,bernstein1 perhaps1 had gone too far4 ,besides1 the effect of the apples was passing and ,i longed for bed4 ,he took a gulp4 8,to warn you10 he said1 with a grave and ominous expression4 ,it was a long-winded business before ,i got him to the point1 and even then the point was not really explicit4 ,new ,york1 he kept repeating1 was a dangerous place for inexperience1 there were strange and desperate characters in it4 ,in the end1 ,i think1 my manners exasperated him as much as his vagueness exasperated me1 for when he told me he came about 8someone very close to you10 and ,i asked point-blank1 8,is it someone sharing this room with me80 his final word was a most decided 8,yes0--with nothing more4 ,this 8someone10 ,i gathered1 at any rate1 was fooling me1 was up to all sorts of tricks1 was even 8dangerous40 ,i was infuriated1 though ,i felt a certain sinking of the heart as well4 ,he was attacking either ,kay or ,boyde1 my only friends1 both of whom ,i trusted to the last cent1 for both of whom ,i had sincere affection4 ,if he knew anything definite or really important1 why couldn't he say it and be done with it8 ,i put this to him4 8,i prefer not to be more explicit10 he replied with an air4 ,he was offended4 ,his patronizing offer of advice and sympathy1 his pride1 were wounded4 8,i would rather not mention names4 ,it's true all the same10 he added4 ,and my patience then gave way4 ,i got up and opened the door4 ,he went without a word1 but just as ,i was about to slam the door after him1 he turned4 8,remember10 he said1 half angrily1 half gravely1 8,i've warned you4 ,he's a real crook4 ,he's already been in gaol40 ,i banged the door behind him4 ,i felt angry but uncomfortable1 and as the anger subsided my uneasiness increased4 ,the horrible feeling that there was truth in the warning harassed me4 ,when ,boyde came in an hour or so later1 ,i pretended to be asleep4 ,i told him nothing of my visitor1 but through half-closed eyes ,i watched him as he moved about the room very quietly1 lest he disturb my sleep4 ,his delightful1 kind expression1 his frank blue eyes1 the refinement and gentleness of his gestures1 ,i noted them all for the hundredth time4 ,his acts1 too1 ,i remembered2 how he always shared his earnings1 gave his help unstintingly1 advice1 a thousand hints1 the value of his own sad and bitter experience4 ,my heart ached a little4 ,no1 ,i reflected1 it was certainly not ,boyde who was the crook4 ,my thoughts turned to ,kay1 who had just sent us half his salary4 ,it was equally incredible4 ,i wished ,i had treated my visitor differently4 ,i wished ,i had kicked him out1 instead of telling him to go4 ,sneak6 ,a sneak with some evil motive into the bargain6 ,things began to move now with a strange rapidity4 ,it was as though someone who had been winding up machinery suddenly released the spring4 ,item by item1 preparations had been completed--then1 let her go6 ,she went4444 ,the weeks that followed seemed as many months4 ,i was alone with ,boyde in a filthy1 verminous room1 food and money scarce1 rent owing1 ,kay away1 clothes negligible1 my single asset being a job4 ,i lost that job owing to illness that kept me for weeks in bed--in that bed4444 ,and as 8she went0 ,i had the curious feeling that someone watched her going1 someone other than myself4 ,it was an odd obsession4 ,someone looked on and smiled4 ,certain practices1 gathered from my 8,eastern0 reading1 were no doubt responsible for this uncanny feeling1 for with it ran also a parallel idea3 that only a portion of my being suffered while another portion1 untouched1 serene and confident1 accepting all that came with a kind of indifferent resignation1 stood entirely apart1 playing1 equally1 the rle of a spectator4 ,this detached spectator watched 8her going0 with close attention1 even with something of satisfaction4 8,take it all10 was its attitude2 8avoid nothing2 it is your due2 for it is merely reaping what you sowed long ago4 ,face it to the very dregs4 ,only in this way shall you pay a just debt and exhaust it40 ,so vital was this attitude in all that followed that it must be honestly mentioned4 ,a stabbing in the side had been bothering me for some days1 making walking difficult and painful4 ,a blow received while diving from our island--,i hit a rock--began to ache and throb4 ,i came home in the evenings1 weary to the bone4 ,there were headaches1 and a touch of fever4 ,the pain increased4 ,there was a swelling4 ,i went to bed4 ,boyde took down a letter to ,mc,cloy1 asking for a day off1 which was granted4 ,the next day ,i turned up at #h4cj1 but had to come back to bed after the midday coffee and sinkers4 8,see a doctor10 snapped ,mc,cloy1 in his best maxim-firing manner1 8and come back when you're fixed up again40 ,but there wasn't enough money for a doctor's fee of from two to five dollars4 ,i lay up for three days1 hoping for improvement which did not come4 ,the pain and fever grew4 ,mrs4 ,bernstein1 upset and even disagreeable1 sent me bread and soup in the evening as well as the morning coffee4 ,boyde brought a few extras late at night4 ,he was chasing a new post just then--organist to a church in ,patterson1 ,n4,j4--and rarely got home before eleven1 sometimes later4 ,he brought long rolls of ,vienna bread1 a few white ,spanish grapes1 a tin of condensed milk4 ,he slept peaceably beside me4 ,his manner1 once or twice1 seemed different4 ,i smelt liquor4 8,someone stood me a drink10 he explained1 8and by ,god1 ,i needed it4 ,i'm fagged out40 ,he was kind and sympathetic1 doing all he could1 all that his position allowed4 ,he was very much in love at the moment with the daughter of the pastor of the ,second ,avenue ,baptist ,church1 where he sang in the choir1 and he confided his hopes and troubles about the affair to me4444 ,it all gave me a queer feeling of unreality somewhere4 ,in my feverish state ,i knew an occasional unaccustomed shiver4 ,the long day in bed1 alone with my thoughts1 waiting for ,boyde's return1 was wearisome to endlessness1 by no means free from new1 unpleasant reflections1 yet when at last the door opened softly1 and he came back1 his arms full of the little extras mentioned1 there was disappointment in me somewhere4 ,it was not quite as ,i expected4 ,accompanying the disappointment were these new1 faint twinges of uneasiness as well4 ,i kept the gas burning all night4 ,i watched ,boyde's face1 as he slept calmly beside me in that narrow bed1 his expression of innocence and kindliness increased my feelings of gratitude1 even of tenderness1 towards him4 ,there were deep lines1 however1 that sleep did not smooth out4 8,poor devil1 he's been through the mill60 ,this habit of watching him grew4 ,there was delay and trouble about the ,rockaway ,hunt post2 studio sittings were scarce2 the ,baptist church organist was never unable to officiate2 ,morton ,selton never missed a performance2 and ,boyde1 as a result1 though he still contributed what he could1 earned next to nothing4 ,if ,i was puzzled by his late hours1 his explanations invariably cleared away my wonder4 ,he always had a plausible excuse1 one1 too1 that woke my sympathy4 ,it was just at this time1 moreover1 that ,kay wrote4 ,the ,canadian tour was such a failure that ,gilmour was taking his troupe to the ,states1 where they anticipated better houses4 ,no salaries had been paid4 ,they were now off to ,pittsburg4 ,kay hoped to send some money before long4 ,i spent the weary hours reading4444 ,on the third day1 my symptoms worse1 the door opened suddenly without a knock1 and ,i saw an old man with a white moustache and spectacles peering round the edge at me4 ,i laid down my 8,gita0 and stared back at him4 8,are you ,mr4 ,blackwood80 he asked1 with a marked ,german accent4 8,yes40 ,i had not the faintest idea who he was4 ,he closed the door1 took off his slouch hat1 crossed the room1 laid his small black bag on the sofa1 then came and stood beside my bed4 ,he was extremely deliberate4 ,i watched him anxiously4 ,he said no word for some time1 while we stared at one another4 ,he was of medium height1 about sixty-five years old1 with white hair1 dark eyes behind magnifying spectacles1 the strong face deeply lined1 voice and manner stern to the point of being forbidding--but when ,i saw it rarely--a most winning smile4 ,except for the spectacles1 he was like a small edition of ,bismarck4 8,i am a doctor10 he said1 after a prolonged silent inspection1 8and ,i live down the street4 ,your friend1 an ,englishman1 asked me to call4 ,are you ,english80 ,i told him ,i was a reporter on the ,evening ,sun1 adding that ,i had no money at the moment4 ,the suspicion his manner had not attempted to hide at once showed itself plainly4 ,his manner and voice were brusque to offensiveness1 as he said flatly3 8,i expect to be paid4 ,i have a wife and child40 ,he stood there1 staring at me1 hard and cold4 ,i repeated that ,i had nothing to pay him with1 and ,i lay back in bed1 wishing he would go1 for ,i felt uncomfortable and ashamed1 annoyed as well by his unsympathetic attitude4 8,humph60 he grunted1 still staring without moving4 ,there was an awkward silence ,i thought would never end4 8,humph60 he grunted again presently4 8,i egsamine you anyhow4 ,how old are you80 8,twenty-two10 ,i said1 8and a bit40 8,humph60 he repeated1 as he examined me rather roughly4 8,you're very thin4 ,too thin60 ,he hurt me1 and ,i did not answer4 8,not eating enough10 he added1 and then gave his verdict4 ,it was an abscess1 ,i must keep my bed for a month or six weeks1 an operation might be necessary4444 ,i asked how much ,i owed him4 8,two dollars10 he said4 ,he gave me his address1 and ,i replied that ,i would bring the money to him as soon as ,i could1 but that he need not call again4 ,he stared severely at me with those magnified eyes4 8,haven't you got two dollars even80 he asked curtly4 8,i've told you the truth4 ,and1 anyhow1 ,i didn't send for you4 ,i didn't ask my friend to fetch you either40 ,i could think of nothing else to say4 ,his verdict had flattened me out4 ,i was angry1 besides1 with ,boyde1 for not consulting me first1 though ,i knew he had done the right thing4 ,another period of awkward silence followed1 during which the doctor never moved1 but stood gazing down at me4 ,suddenly his eye rested on the book ,i had been reading4 ,he put out a hand and picked it up4 ,he glanced through the pages of the 8,gita10 then began to read more carefully4 ,a few minutes passed4 ,he became absorbed4 8,you read this80 he asked presently4 8,ach was60 ,there was a look of keen astonishment in his eyes2 his gaze searched me as though ,i were some strange animal4 ,i told him enough by way of reply to explain my interest4 ,he listened1 without a word1 then presently picked up his bag and hat and moved away4 ,at the door he turned a moment4 8,i come again to-morrow10 he said gruffly1 and he was gone4 ,in this way ,otto ,huebner1 with his poignant tragedy1 came into my life4 ,that evening1 with the bread and soup1 there was a plate of chicken2 it was not repeated often1 but he had spoken to ,mrs4 ,bernstein1 ,i discovered1 for her attitude1 too1 became slightly pleasanter4 ,i spent the long evening composing a letter to ,mc,cloy1 which ,boyde could take down next day4444 ,i lay thinking of that curious gruff1 rude old ,german1 whose brusqueness1 ,i felt sure1 covered a big good heart4 ,there was mystery about him1 something unusual1 something pathetic and very lovable4 ,there was power in his quietness4 ,despite his bluntness1 there was in his atmosphere a warm kindness1 a sincerity that drew me to him4 ,also there was a darkness1 a sense of tragedy somewhere that intrigued me because ,i could not explain it4 ,it was after he was gone that ,i felt all this4 ,while he was in the room ,i had been too troubled and upset by his manner to feel anything but annoyance4 ,now that he was gone his face and eyes and voice haunted me4 ,his bleak honesty1 ,i think1 showed me1 without my recognizing it1 another standard4 ,was it this1 ,i wonder1 that made me start a little when1 about two in the morning1 ,i heard a stealthy tread coming upstairs1 and presently saw ,boyde enter the room--carrying his boots in his hand8 ,was it this1 again1 that made me feign to be asleep1 and a couple of hours later still1 when ,i woke with a shiver1 notice1 for the first time1 a new expression in the face that lay so calmly asleep beside me8 ,behind the kindly innocence1 ,i thought1 there lay a darker look4 ,it was like a shadow on the features4 ,it increased my feelings of uneasiness1 though as yet no definite thought had formulated itself in my mind4 ,,chapter ,,xv ,next day there was a racing west wind that sent the clouds scudding across a bright blue sky4 ,the doctor was to come at #c o'clock4 ,boyde1 in very optimistic mood1 had gone out early1 taking my letter to ,mc,cloy4 ,he had a studio sitting2 he was going to ,patterson too2 he would return as early as he could4 ,the shadow of the night before had vanished2 ,i no longer believed in it2 ,i ascribed it to fever and nerves4 ,he sang cheerily while he dressed in my thick brown suit1 the only one not in pawn 7everything else1 now that ,i was in bed1 had gone to ,ikey71 and his voice sounded delightful4 ,in the afternoon he came back with the news that ,mc,cloy had read my letter and said 8,that's right4 ,tell him to be good to himself4 ,he can come back40 ,also he had agreed to use translations of the ,french stories at five dollars each4 ,boyde brought a ,courier in with him4 ,two letters from home arrived too4 ,both my father and mother1 though having no idea what was going on1 never missed a single week4 ,my own letters were difficult to write4 ,i had come to ,new ,york against my father's advice4 ,i wrote home what ,i thought best4 ,at #c o'clock the doctor came4 ,my heart sank as ,i heard his step4 ,i was in considerable pain4 ,what would he be like8 ,would an operation be necessary8 ,would he speak about money again8 ,mrs4 ,bernstein1 oily and respectful1 a little awed as well1 announced him4 ,without a word1 without a glance in my direction1 he walked over in his slow1 deliberate way1 and laid hat and bag upon the sofa4 ,then he turned and looked steadily at himself in the mirror for a period ,i thought would never end4 ,after that he turned and looked at me4 ,he was an angel4 ,his face was wreathed in smiles4 ,it beamed with good-nature1 kindness1 sympathy4 ,he at once said something that was gentle1 soothing1 like music to me4 ,my heart suddenly expanded in a most uncomfortable way4 ,i believe a lump came up in my throat4 ,this was all so contrary to what ,i had expected4 ,he was not only an angel1 he was a womanly angel4 ,i must have been in a very weak state1 for it was all ,i could do to keep my tears back4 ,the same instant his eye fell on my fiddle case4 ,he looked at it1 then at me1 then back again at the fiddle4 8,you play80 he asked1 with a twinkle in his big eyes4 8,i ought to pawn it10 ,i said1 8but----0 8,don't10 he answered with decision4 ,he added an odd sentence3 8,it's an esgape from self40 ,i remember that ,i couldn't say a word to this4 ,his kindness melted me4 ,the struggle to keep my eyes from betraying me seemed the most idiotic yet bitter ,i had ever known4 ,i could have kissed the old man's hand1 when he examined me then at once1 but with a gentleness1 even a tenderness1 that both astonished me1 yet did not astonish me at all4 ,i felt1 too1 already the support of his mind and character1 of his whole personality1 of a rugged power in him1 of generosity1 true goodness1 above all1 of sympathy4 ,i think he had made up his mind to treat me for nothing4 ,no reference1 in any case1 was made to money2 nor did ,i dare even to mention it myself4 ,an operation1 moreover1 of any big kind1 was not necessary2 he thought he could save me that2 he performed a small one then and there1 for he had brought all that was required for it4 ,the pain seemed nothing1 his kindness made me indifferent to it4 8,you are brave10 he said1 with a smile that seemed to me really beautiful1 when it was over4 8,that hurt1 ,i know40 ,he promised to come daily to drain the wound and so forth2 he bandaged me up2 a month to six weeks would see me out of bed1 he hoped2 he packed up his bag1 but1 instead of leaving the room1 he then sat down deliberately and began to talk4 ,i was too surprised1 too happy1 to wonder why he stayed4 ,his talk was food and drink to me4 ,he picked up my few books1 and sat reading quietly to himself when he saw ,i was getting tired4 ,de ,quincey's 8,confessions0 interested him especially1 and he asked if he might borrow it4 ,he took also 8,sartor ,resartus40 ,i slipped into ,german1 to his keen delight1 and told him about the ,moravian ,brotherhood ,school in the ,black ,forest4 ,a sketch of the recent past ,i gave him too4 ,he listened with great attention1 asking occasional questions1 but always with real tact1 and never allowing me to tire myself4 ,though it was obvious1 even to my stupidity1 that he regarded me rather as a 8specimen0 of some sort1 there was heart in all he said and did4 ,otto ,huebner poured balm into all my little wounds that afternoon1 but about himself he told me hardly anything4 ,while he drew me out1 with skill and sympathy1 he hid himself behind that impenetrable mystery ,i had already noted the previous day4 ,i say purposely that of himself he told me 8hardly anything10 because one detail did escape him inadvertently4 ,an hour later1 as he was leaving1 he turned his smile on me from the door4 8,i send you something10 he said shortly4 8,my vife makes goot broth4 ,i cannot do much4 ,i have not got it40 ,one other thing ,i noticed about his visit1 when towards the end1 ,boyde came in unexpectedly1 bringing a small bunch of the yellow ,spanish grapes4 ,in his best1 most charming manner he spoke with the doctor4 ,the doctor's face1 however1 darkened instantly4 ,his features1 it seemed to me1 froze4 ,his manner was curt4 ,he scarcely replied4 ,and when he left a little later he did not include my friend in his good-bye4 ,it puzzled me4 ,it added to my uneasiness as well4 ,boyde1 who apparently had noticed nothing1 explained that he had to go out again to an appointment with ,davis about the ,rockaway ,hunt post2 he did not return that night at all4 ,i listened to the city clocks striking midnight1 one1 two1 three 444 he did not come4 ,i listened to the howling wind as well4 ,imagination tried feebly to construct a happier state1 lovelier conditions1 a world nearer to the heart's desire4 ,while waiting for midnight to strike1 ,i said to myself1 thinking of yesterday and to-morrow1 with all the one had meant and the other might mean to me3 8,yesterday is now twenty-four hours away1 but in a minute it will be only one minute away40 ,i treated the hidden to-morrow similarly4 ,i imagined1 the world being old and creaky1 ill-fitting too1 that a crack existed between the two days4 ,anyone who was thin enough might slip through6 ,i1 certainly1 was thin enough4 ,i slipped through4444 ,i entered a region out of time1 a region where everything came true4 ,and the first thing ,i saw was a wondrous streaming vision of the wind1 the wind that howled outside my filthy windows4444 ,i saw the winds1 changing colours as they rose and fell1 attached to the trees1 in tenuous ribands of gold and blue and scarlet as they swept to and fro4444 ,i little dreamed that these fancies would appear fifteen years later in a book of my own1 8,the ,education of ,uncle ,paul40 ,that crack1 at any rate1 became for me1 like the fiddle1 a means of escape from unkind reality into a state of inner bliss and wonder 8where everything came true40444 ,it was after twelve o'clock next day when ,boyde returned--with a black eye1 my one thick suit stained and soiled1 and a long involved story that utterly confused me4 ,there had been a fight2 he had protected a woman2 a false charge had been laid against him owing to misunderstanding1 owing also to the fact that he had no money to tip the policeman1 and he had spent the night in a cell at ,jefferson ,market police station4 ,in the morning the magistrate had discharged him with many compliments upon his 8gallantry and courage40 ,it did not ring true4 ,i knew the ,tammany magistrates better than that4 ,he contradicted himself too1 in saying that a ,mr4 ,beattie1 a friend of his mother's1 who occasionally gave him a little money she sent from ,england1 had bailed him out4 ,he had been bailed out1 discharged with compliments1 had slept in a cell1 and not been fined6 ,i smelt spirits too4 ,it all made me miserable4 8,you've been drunk and they locked you up10 ,i reproached him4 8,why do you lie to me80 ,the copious explanations that followed ,i hardly listened to4 ,i lay in bed1 saying nothing1 but the warning of my visitor came back4 8,i went down to the ,evening ,sun10 ,boyde said presently1 when my silence made his explanations end of their own accord4 8,i've just come back with this4 ,mc,cloy asked after you and sent it on account of the ,french stories40 ,he handed me five dollars1 in single bills1 which we divided equally then and there4 ,he had been gone hardly ten minutes when the door opened again1 and another visitor came in1 an actor out of a job1 ,grant1 an ,englishman of perhaps twenty-five1 one of the cricket team ,i had met in ,staten ,island a few weeks before4 ,he had run across ,boyde1 he explained1 and had heard ,i was ill4 ,as one ,englishman to another 8in this awful city0 he wanted to see if he could help in any way4 ,he did then a wonderful thing4 ,we had met but once1 he scarcely knew me1 he might never see me again1 but when he realized the state of affairs he said he thought he could get a little money for me1 and before ,i could say a word he vanished from the room4 ,his shyness1 his lame manner of speech1 something hesitating and awkward about him generally1 had embarrassed me as much as1 evidently1 he was embarrassed himself2 and ,i was convinced his plea of getting money was only an excuse to disappear quickly4 ,i rather hoped it was2 certainly ,i thought it unlikely he would come back--which1 nevertheless1 he did1 in about a quarter of an hour4 ,he came in breathlessly1 a shamefaced air about him2 flung down some dollar bills on the bed1 and vanished the second time4 ,three dollars lay on the counterpane4 ,it was only a little later1 as reflection brought up details1 that ,i remembered he had worn an overcoat when he first came in1 and that on his second visit he wore none4 ,he had pawned it4 ,another detail rose to the surface3 that he had called1 really1 upon quite another errand1 and that there was something he wanted to tell me that he had not the courage to put into words4 ,later he admitted it was true4444 ,anticipating ,otto ,huebner's visits was now a keen pleasure2 the one event of a long weary day4 ,during the next fortnight or so1 he missed no single afternoon4 ,his moods varied amazingly4 ,one day he seemed an angel1 the next a devil4 ,i was completely puzzled4 ,the talks we had on his good days were an enjoyment ,i can hardly describe4 ,i realized how much ,i depended on them1 as well as on the man who made them possible4 ,i realized also how much ,i depended on my other friend--on ,boyde4 ,the latter's curious and unsatisfactory behaviour1 mysterious still to my blind ignorant eyes1 made no difference to my feelings for him1 but1 if anything1 tended to strengthen the attachment4 ,my affection deepened4 ,there lay now a certain pity in me too1 an odd feeling that he was in my charge1 and that1 for all his greater knowledge and experience of life1 his seniority as well1 ,i could--,i must--somehow help him4 ,upon the ,german doctor and ,boyde1 at any rate1 ,kay being far away1 my mind rested with security1 if of different degrees4 ,to lose either of them in my lonely situation would have been catastrophic4 ,the old ,german would settle himself on the sofa1 drawn up close to the bed1 and talk4 ,he was saturated in his native philosophy1 but ,hegel was his king4444 8,sartor ,resartus0 enthralled him4 ,of ,de ,quincey's struggle against opium he was never tired4 ,of ,vedantic and ,hindu philosophy1 too1 he was understanding and tolerant1 though not enamoured4 ,regarding me still as a 8specimen0 evidently1 he also treated me as though ,i were a boy1 discerning of course at once my emptiness of mind and experience4 ,how patiently he listened to my eager exposition of life's mysteries1 my chaotic theories1 my fanciful speculations4444 8,we know--nothing1 you must remember4 ,nothing10 he would say with emphasis4 8,nor can we know anything1 ever4 ,we label1 classify1 examine certain results--that's all4 ,of causes we remain completely ignorant4 ,speculation is not proof4 ,the fact that a theory fits all the facts gets us no further40 ,he smiled1 but with close attention1 while ,i plunged again into a description of my beliefs4 ,the tobacco smoke curled up about his genial face4 ,i had no fear of him in this mood4 ,i could say all my thoughts without shyness4 ,i made full confession4 8,interesting1 logical1 possibly true10 he replied1 8and most certainly as good an explanation as any other1 better even than most1 but0--he shrugged his shoulders--8always a theory only1 and nothing else4 ,there is no proof of anything4 ,the higher states of consciousness you mention are nebulous1 probably pathogenic4 ,those who experience them cannot1 in any case1 report their content intelligibly to us who have not experienced them--because no words exist4 ,they are of no value to the race1 and that condemns them4 ,men of action1 not dreamers1 are what the world needs40 8,men of action only carry out what has first been dreamed10 ,i ventured4 8,true10 replied the old man1 8true very often4 ,men of action rarely have much vision4 ,the poet is the highest type4444 ,i am with you in this too--that the only real knowledge is the knowledge of man1 the study of consciousness4 ,gnothi seauton is still the shortest1 as well as the most pregnant1 sermon in the world4 ,before we can get new knowledge1 different knowledge--yes1 there ,i am with you--consciousness itself must change and become different first 444 but 444 the people who get that different knowledge cannot describe it to us because there is no language40 ,wise1 thoughtful things the old man said1 while ,i listened eagerly4 8,one thing is certain10 he declared with his usual emphasis3 8,if there is another state after the destruction of the body1 it cannot be merely an extension1 an idealization1 of the one we know4 ,that is excluded4 ,without senses1 without brain or nerves1 without physical reactions of any kind--since there is no body--how shall we be aware of things about us8 ,another state can only be--different1 yet so different that it is useless to talk of it4 ,the ,heaven of the spiritualists1 the elaborate constructions of a ,swedenborg1 are nothing but coloured idealizations of the state we already know 4440--he snorted contemptuously--8obviously self-created4 ,a different state of consciousness would show us a universe so totally different from anything we know that it must be--indescribable40 ,of my own future1 too1 he liked to talk4 ,the newspaper reporting he disapproved2 it could lead to little2 it was 8unersprechlich gemein02 the ,new ,york press was a cesspool2 it might serve a temporary purpose1 but no self-respecting man should stay too long in it4 ,he urged me to become a doctor1 saying ,i should be a success1 advising me to specialize in nerves and mental cases4 ,being an ,englishman would help very much2 in time ,i should have an enormous practice2 he would assist me in all manner of ways1 so that my course need not be longer than two years1 or three at the most4 ,he would coach me1 rush me through in half the normal time4 ,later ,i could get a foreign degree1 which would be an additional asset4444 ,he never tired of this topic1 and his enthusiasm was certainly sincere4 ,of stars1 too1 he loved to talk1 of space1 of possible other dimensions even4 ,his exposition of a fourth dimension always delighted me4 ,that the universe1 indeed1 was really four-dimensional1 and that all we perceived of it was that sectional aspect1 a portion as it were1 that is projected into our three-dimensional world1 was a theme that positively made him red in the face1 as his big eyes focused on me1 his concentrated mind working vehemently behind them4444 ,certainly1 my knowledge of ,german improved considerably4 ,then1 as ,boyde came in1 the light would die out of his eyes1 his face would harden and grow dark--he had a way of making it seem frozen--and with a stiff bow to ,boyde that only just acknowledged his presence1 he would get up and leave the room4 ,meanwhile1 ,i sold two more ,french stories1 and ,boyde bought back the ten dollars paid for them2 three others were 8not suitable10 according to ,mc,cloy4 ,i told the doctor all ,i earned4 8,later10 he said1 8you pay me1 if you want to4 ,i take nothing--now40 ,,chapter ,,xvi ,the days passed2 ,i grew slowly better2 the wound still had to be drained and bandaged1 and the doctor kept me to my bed4 ,kay1 writing from ,toronto1 had contrived to send us ten dollars4 ,more ,french translations had gone to ,mc,cloy1 but only one or two had been used4 ,if the loneliness of the long days was dismal1 the feverish nights were worse4 ,i knew my few books by heart2 ,shelley and the 8,gita0 were indeed inexhaustible1 but ,i longed for something new4 ,to play the fiddle was too tiring4 ,there was endless time for reflection 444 and1 thank heaven1 through the two dirty windows ,i could watch the sky4 ,many a story ,i published fifteen years later had its germ in the apparently dead moments of those wearisome hours1 although at the time it never once occurred to me to try and write1 not even the desire being in me4 ,it was the interminable nights that were most haunted4 ,in the daylight there was colour in the changing clouds and sky1 a touch of pink1 a flame of sunset gold that opened the narrow crack through which ,i slipped into some strange interior state of happiness4 ,there were the visits of the beloved1 mysterious doctor1 too4 ,but the night was otherwise4 ,the gas ,i left burning till ,boyde woke and turned it out in the morning1 made it impossible to see the stars4 ,i could never settle down until he was comfortably asleep beside me4 ,he kept late hours always4 ,i reproached and scolded1 yet in the end ,i always forgave4 ,it was a comfort to know him within reach of my hand1 while at the same time ,i dreaded his coming4 ,my mixed feelings had reached that stage--,i feared his coming and yet longed for it4 ,i lay waiting1 listening for his step4 ,far below ,i would hear it1 down in the well of the sleeping house1 even on the first flight of stairs4 ,it mounted1 mounted1 stealthy1 cautious1 coming nearer and nearer1 but always at the same steady pace4 ,it never hastened4 ,as it approached1 rising through the stillness of the night1 my heart would begin to beat2 ,i dreaded the moment when our landing would be reached1 still more the actual opening of our door4 ,i listened1 smothering my breath1 trying to lessen the loud thumping against my ribs4 ,the steps might not be his1 after all2 it might be someone else2 that stealthy tread might pass my door without opening it and go upstairs4 ,then1 when at last the handle rattled faintly1 the door opened1 and ,i saw him slowly enter1 carrying his boots in his hand1 my first instinct always was to--scream4 ,then he would smile1 the eye-glass would drop from his eye1 he would begin his explanations and excuses1 and my dread soon evaporated in the friendliest of intimate talk4 ,so well1 at last1 did ,i learn to recognize his approach1 that ,i knew the moment he opened the front door three flights below4 ,the sound of the handle with its clink of metal1 the dull thud as the big thing closed--,i was never once mistaken4 ,in my fitful snatches of sleep these sounds stole in1 shaping my dreams1 determining both cause and climax of incessant nightmares which1 drawing upon present things and recent memories1 and invariably including the personality of ,boyde1 made those waiting hours a recurrent horror4 ,i would fight in vain to keep awake4 ,only when he was safely asleep at my side did the nightmares cease4 ,i had once seen ,dixon1 a ,toronto photographer1 walk across the ,niagara river1 just below the ,falls2 he used ,blondin's old tight-rope2 he lay down on his back half way over1 turned round1 knelt1 hovered on one foot1 using an immense balancing pole4 ,thousands watched him from both shores on a day of baking sunshine2 his background was the massive main waterfall1 slowly rolling down and over2 below him swirled and boiled the awful rapids4 ,dixon now came walking1 walking in my dream again4 ,i could hear his soft tread as his stockinged feet gripped the cable that swayed slightly as it sagged to the centre half way across4 ,the sound1 the figure came nearer2 it came at me2 it--was not ,dixon after all4 ,it was ,boyde4444 ,then1 as he moved with slow1 creeping tread1 nearer1 ever nearer1 ,i perceived suddenly that the rope was gone4 ,there was no rope4 ,he walked on empty air towards me--towards--me4 ,i was appalled1 speechless1 paralyzed4 ,that figure walking on space1 walking towards me1 walking remorselessly nearer was terrible4444 ,the next second the door opened and ,boyde stood peering at me round the edge1 his boots in his hands4 ,one morning1 tired of learning the 8,witch of ,islam0 by heart1 ,i leaned over the bed1 and something in the waste-paper basket close beside it caught my eye2 a scrap of coloured paper--several scraps--pink4 ,looking nearer1 ,i saw it was a torn-up cheque4 ,without any particular interest at first ,i stared at the unfamiliar thing1 wondering vaguely how it came to be there4 ,only after this casual inspection did it occur to me as being rather odd4 ,a cheque6 ,what was it8 ,whose was it8 ,how did it come to be there1 torn up in my waste-paper basket8 ,it was a long time since ,i had seen such a thing as a cheque2 and idly1 with no more curiosity than this1 ,i lay gazing at the scraps of coloured paper4 ,the basket lay within easy reach2 ,i stretched out an arm and picked it up2 ,i emptied the contents on the white counterpane2 ,i sorted out the coloured scraps from among the general litter4 ,the scraps were small1 and the puzzle amused me4 ,it was a long business4 ,bit by bit the cheque took shape4 ,the word 8,toronto0 was the first detail that caught my attention closer4 ,presently1 fitting three tiny scraps together1 ,i saw to my surprise a name in full--,arthur ,glyn ,boyde4 ,another little group made 8,kay40 ,a third read 8,seventy ,five ,dollars40 ,my interest increased with every moment1 till at last the complete cheque lay pieced together before my eyes4 ,it was drawn by ,kay on my old ,toronto bank for the sum mentioned1 and it was payable to ,boyde4 ,the date was--three days before4 ,i lay and stared at it in blank bewilderment4 ,fitting the scraps together on the counterpane was nothing compared to my difficulty in fitting the pieces together in my mind4 ,i could make neither head nor tail of it4 ,kay had1 indeed1 been acting in ,toronto on the date given1 but--a bank account4446 ,and why was the cheque torn up8 ,it must have been delivered with a letter--yesterday4 ,boyde had not mentioned it4 ,i felt as confused as though it were a problem in arithmetic2 but a problem in arithmetic would not have stirred the feeling of pain and dread that rose in me4 ,something ,i had long feared and hated1 had deliberately hidden from myself1 had cloaked and draped so that ,i need not recognize it1 now at last stared me in the face4 ,the chief item in the puzzle1 however1 remained4 ,that it was not ,kay's real signature1 ,i saw plainly1 it was a reasonably good copy2 but why was the cheque torn up8 ,it had been taken from my old book in the packing-case downstairs1 of course2 but why was it destroyed8 ,a forgery6 ,the word terrified me4 ,it was while trying to find the meaning that my fingers played with the rest of the littered paper 444 and presently pieced together a letter in the same writing as the signature2 a letter1 written from ,toronto1 with ,islington ,jersey ,dairy as address1 and bearing the same date as the cheque--a letter from ,kay to ,boyde4 ,it had been also torn into little bits4 8,dear ,b410 it ran1 8,i am awfully sorry to hear poor ,blackwood is so ill still1 and that he has no money4 ,i enclose my cheque for #ge to help him out1 but1 for ,god's sake1 see that he doesn't waste it in dissipation1 as he did the last ,i sent4 ,i know ,i can trust you in this04444 ,a page and a half of news followed4 ,a postscript came at the end3 8,better not let him know how much ,i've sent4 ,i'll send another cheque later if you let me know it's really needed40 ,with these two documents spread on the counterpane before me1 ,i lay back thinking1 thinking1 while an icy feeling spread slowly over me that for a long time made clear thought impossible4 ,the word 8dissipation0 made me smile1 but all ,i knew in those first moments was an aching1 dull emotion1 shot through from time to time by stabs of keenest pain4 ,there was horror too1 there was anger1 pity 444 as1 one by one1 recent events dropped the masks ,i had so deliberately pinned on them4 ,these thin disguises that too sanguine self-deception had helped me to lay over a hideousness that hurt and frightened me1 fell one by one4 ,my anger passed2 horror and pity remained4 ,i cannot explain it quite2 an intense sorrow1 an equally intense desire to help and save1 were in me4 ,affection1 no doubt1 was deep and real4444 ,at the same time1 the shock numbed something in me2 the abrupt collapse of a friendship that meant so much to my loneliness bowled me over4 ,what exactly had happened ,i did not know1 ,i could not understand2 treachery1 falsity1 double-dealing1 lies--these were obvious1 but the modus operandi was not clear4 ,why was the cheque torn up and so carelessly flung away8 ,there was a mist of confusion over my mind4 ,i thought over my police court experience1 the criminal tricks and practices ,i already knew1 but these threw no helpful light4 ,was ,kay1 too1 involved8 ,did the warning of a few weeks ago include him as well8 ,there had been forgery1 yet again--why was the cheque torn up8 ,the mystery of it all increased the growing sense of dread1 of fear1 of creeping horror4 ,my newspaper work had given me the general feeling that everyone had his price 444 but between friends in adversity1 ,englishmen1 gentlemen as well 444 was it then true literally of everybody8 ,after a time ,i collected the two documents and pieced them together again between the pages of a book1 lest someone might enter and discover them4 ,the doctor was not coming that day1 but there might be other visitors4 ,then it suddenly dawned on me--why hadn't this occurred to me before8--that the whole thing must be a joke after all4 ,of course 444 why not8 ,it might even have something to do with the rle of understudy in the ,sothern ,play4 ,it could easily be--oh1 surely6--a bit of stupid fun on ,kay's part4 ,the carelessness too6 ,throwing the scraps in the basket under my very nose1 where anybody could easily see them1 where ,mrs4 ,bernstein might find them1 or the woman who came in twice a week to do the room4 ,this was certainly against criminal intent4 ,the most far-fetched explanations poured through my mind1 invited by hope1 dressed up by eager desire1 then left hanging in mid-air1 with not the faintest probability to support them4 ,i deliberately recalled the kind actions1 the solicitude1 the sharing of receipts1 a thousand favourable details1 even to the innocent expression and the frank blue eyes1 only to find these routed utterly by two other details2 one negative1 one vague1 yet both insistent2 the doctor's silence and the shadow noticed recently on the sleeping face4 ,it was eleven o'clock2 ,boyde had said he would return about four2 ,i expected him1 for the doctor1 whom he avoided1 was not coming4 ,there were five hours of waiting to endure first4 ,the situation which another might have tossed aside with a wry laugh at himself for having been a guileless fool1 to me seemed portentous with pain and horror4 ,i had no plan1 however1 when the door opened at half-past three1 long before ,i expected it4 ,there was in me no faintest idea of what ,i was going to say or do4 ,the book lay on my knee1 with the documents concealed between the pages4 ,i had heard no footstep1 the rattle of the handle was the first sound ,i caught4 ,yet the door opened differently--not quite as ,boyde opened it4 ,there was hesitation in the movement4 ,in that hesitation of a mere second there again flashed across my mind a sudden happy certainty2 the documents could be explained1 it was all a joke somewhere4 ,he had done nothing wrong1 he would clear up the whole thing in a moment6 ,of course6 ,it was my weak1 feverish condition that had raised a bogey4 ,a few words from him were now going to destroy it4 ,then1 instead of ,boyde1 ,i saw ,grant standing shyly on the threshold1 the young actor who had pawned his overcoat4 ,this time he wore it4 ,the relief ,i felt at seeing him betrayed me to myself4 ,i welcomed him so heartily that his shyness disappeared4 ,he had dropped in by chance1 he told me4 ,i gave him an account of my discovery1 and he bent over me to see the cheque and letter1 asking if the writing was really ,kay's4 ,he looked very grave4 8,it's not unlike it1 but it isn't his10 ,i replied4 8,what do you make of it8 ,why are they torn up80 ,i was burning to hear what he thought4 ,he did not answer for a moment4 ,he asked instead a number of questions about ,boyde1 listening closely to my account of him1 which mentioned the good with the bad4 ,he went down to examine the packing-case and returned with the report that my cheque-book was not there4 ,i asked him again what he made of it all1 waiting with nervous anxiety for his verdict1 but again he put me off4 ,he wanted to know when ,i last heard from ,kay4 ,eight days ago1 ,i told him1 from ,toronto4 ,he asked numerous questions4 ,he seemed as puzzled as ,i was4 8,what do you think it means80 ,i begged4 8,what's he been doing80 8,are you quite positive it's not ,kay's writing10 he urged1 8even1 for instance1 if he was--0 he hesitated--8a bit tight at the time80 ,i clung to the faint hope4 8,well1 of course--,i really couldn't say4 ,i've never seen his writing when he was tight4 ,i suppose----0 8,because if it isn't10 interrupted ,grant decisively1 8it means that ,boyde has been getting money from him and using it for himself40 ,i realized then that he was trying to make things less grave than they really were1 trying to make it easier for me in the best way he could4 ,the torn-up cheque proved his suggestion foolish4 8,do you think he's an absolute scoundrel80 ,i asked point blank1 unable to bear the suspense any longer4 8,really a criminal--is he80 8,i wanted to tell you the other day10 he said quickly4 8,only you were too ill4 ,i thought it would upset you40 8,criminal8 ,tell me at once4 ,he may be in any minute4 ,i must know40 8,his reputation is bad10 was the reply1 8as bad as it could be4 ,i've heard things about him4 ,he's already been in gaol4 ,he's supposed to be a bit dangerous40 ,i was listening for the sound of a step on the stairs4 ,i lowered my voice a little4 ,it was clear to me that ,grant did not want to tell me all he knew4 8,so--what do you make1 then1 of this80 ,i asked in a half whisper1 pointing to the documents4 ,he looked at me hard a moment1 then gave his reply1 also in an undertone3 8,practising--,i think40 ,i did not understand him4 ,the uncertainty of his meaning1 the queer suggestion in the word he used1 gave my imagination a horrid twist4 ,i asked again1 my heart banging against my ribs3 8,practising--what80 8,he didn't think it a successful--copy--so he tore it up10 ,grant explained4 8,you mean--forgery80 8,i think so4 ,that is--,i'm afraid so40 ,i think the universe changed for me in that moment2 something ,i had been standing on for years collapsed2 ,i was left hanging in space without a platform1 without a rudder4 ,an odd helplessness came over me4 ,grant1 of course1 had only confirmed my own suspicions1 had merely put into words what1 actually1 ,i had known for a long time2 but it was just this hearing the verdict spoken by another that hurt so abominably4 ,grant had quietly torn off me the last veil of self-deception4 ,i could no longer pretend to myself4 ,it seems absurdly out of proportion now on looking back2 at the time the shock was appalling4 ,we talked together1 we tried to devise some plan of action1 we reached no settled conclusion4 ,the minutes passed4 ,i never ceased listening for the familiar footstep on the stairs4 ,of one thing only was ,i perfectly sure3 whatever happened1 ,i intended to take charge of it all myself4 ,i would deal with ,boyde in my own way4 ,the principle lay clear and decided in me2 ,i meant to frighten ,boyde as severely as ,i possibly could1 then to give him another chance4 ,anticipation made the minutes crawl4 ,grant talked a good deal4 8,he spotted you and ,kay from the start10 ,i heard ,grant saying4 8,he saw your ignorance of the town1 your inexperience1 your generosity4 ,he felt sure of free lodging anyhow1 perhaps a good deal more----0 ,a faint thud sounded from downstairs4 8,there he is10 ,i said instantly4 8,that's the front door banging4 ,he's coming4 ,keep quiet40 ,i told ,grant to get into the cupboard and hide4 ,he was only just concealed in the deep cupboard and the door drawn to1 when the other door opened quietly and ,boyde came in4 ,,chapter ,,xvii ,boyde was in cheerful1 smiling mood4 ,he put some grapes on the bed1 asked how ,i felt1 and told me about his trip to ,patterson and his failure to get the organist job4 8,it's bitterly cold10 he said4 8,i was glad of your overcoat4 ,you have been a brick10 he added1 8but ,i'll make it all up to you when my luck turns40 ,he crossed over to the sofa and sat down1 stretching himself1 obviously tired out4 8,never mind1 old chap2 we shall get along somehow4 ,probably ,kay will send us something more before long4 ,he's always faithful4 ,let's see10 ,i went on casually1 8when was it we heard from him last80 8,a week ago10 said ,boyde quite naturally4 8,toronto1 wasn't it8 ,or ,buffalo--no1 no1 ,toronto40 ,we laughed together4 8,so it was10 ,i agreed carelessly4 ,then ,i pretended to hesitate4 8,but that was nearly a fortnight ago10 ,i suddenly corrected my memory2 8surely we've heard since that4 ,only the other day--or did ,i dream it80 ,boyde stared at me lazily through the cigarette smoke4 8,no1 ,i think not10 he said quietly4 8,there was only the one letter40 ,he showed no sign of disturbance4 ,i lay still1 pretending to think back a bit1 then heaved myself slowly up in bed4 8,but1 ,boyde1 ,i remember the letter10 ,i exclaimed with conviction1 staring into his face1 8,i'm certain ,i do--another letter4 ,why1 of course6 ,i remember your showing it to me4 ,there was a cheque in it--a cheque for seventy-five dollars60 ,his easy laugh1 his voice and manner1 the perfect naturalness of his reply made me feel sure that ,i was in the wrong4 ,he knew absolutely nothing of the cheque and letter4 ,he was innocent4 ,it was not his doing1 at any rate4 8,you must have been dreaming10 he said1 looking me full in the face with his big1 honest blue eyes4 8,it's too good to be true40 ,he gave a wry little chuckle that only a clear conscience could have made possible4 ,i lay back in bed and laughed with him1 partly from weakness1 partly to hide my shaking1 which ,i was terrified he would notice4 ,i changed the subject a moment later1 as he said nothing more2 then1 still acting on impulse and with no preconceived plan or idea of my next move1 ,i sat bolt upright in bed and fixed him with my eyes4 ,i assumed a very convinced and serious tone4 ,i felt serious and convinced4 ,the mood of horror had rushed suddenly up in me3 8,boyde1 ,i remember it all now40 ,i spoke with great emphasis4 8,it was not a dream at all4 ,you came to this bedside and showed me the letter4 ,you held it out for me to read4 ,it was dated from my old ,toronto ,dairy three days ago4 ,you showed me the cheque too4 ,it was for seventy-five dollars1 signed by ,kay1 and made out to your order4 ,i remember every single detail of it suddenly4 ,and--so do you40 ,he gazed at me as a little child might gaze4 ,he made no movement4 ,his eyes neither dropped nor flinched4 ,he merely gazed--with a puzzled1 innocent1 guileless stare4 ,a pained expression then stole across his face4 8,blackwood1 what on earth do you mean8 ,it's not likely ,i should forget it if seventy-five dollars came1 is it80 he went on quickly in his most sympathetic voice1 an aggrieved note in it that stirred all my affection instantly4 8,the most he has sent so far is ten dollars4 ,i should have given you the money at once4 ,and you know it1 ,blackwood40 ,he got up and walked quietly to and fro4 ,it was the way he uttered those last four words that sent ice down my spine and brought the mood of horror back4 ,why this was so1 ,i cannot explain4 ,perhaps the phrase rang false2 perhaps its over-emphasis failed4 ,i only know that my hesitation vanished4 ,that prepared plan so strangely matured1 yet hidden so deeply that it emerged only step by step as it was needed1 pushed up another move into my upper mind4 ,i got slowly out of bed4 ,perspiration broke out all over me4 ,i felt very weak4 ,the wound stretched4 ,straight before me1 a long way off it seemed1 was the sofa4 ,boyde stood watching my every move4 ,he stood like a statue4 ,before ,i had taken a couple of slow1 small steps1 crawling round the edge of the bed1 he did two quick things that in a flash brought final conviction to me1 so that ,i knew beyond any doubt the hideous thing was true3 he moved suddenly across the room1 passing in front of me1 though not near enough to touch2 three rapid strides and he was against the window--with his back to the light4 ,it was dusk4 ,he wished to conceal his face from me4 ,his left arm hung at his side1 the hand on a level with the dressing-table1 and ,i saw his fingers feeling along its surface1 though his eyes never left my own4 ,i saw them find1 then grip1 the white-handled razor1 and pull it slowly towards him4 ,these were the two things that betrayed him1 but chiefly1 ,i think1 the first of them--concealing his face4 ,at the same instant there was a faint sound on my left4 ,i had completely forgotten the existence of my visitor2 ,i now remembered him1 for that sound came from inside the cupboard1 and ,grant1 evidently1 was ready to leap out4 ,but ,i did not want ,grant4 ,i intended the whole matter to be between ,boyde and myself4 ,a flash of understanding had given me complete assurance4 ,boyde1 ,i now knew1 was a coward1 a sneak1 a cheat1 a liar1 and worse besides4 ,in spite of my physical weakness ,i had the upper hand4 ,i was about to give him the fright of his life1 though still with no clear idea exactly how this was to be accomplished4 ,all ,i knew was that ,i meant to terrify him1 then forgive--and save him from himself4 8,not yet60 ,i called out1 yet so quickly1 and with so little apparent meaning1 that ,boyde1 ,i think1 hardly heard me1 and certainly did not understand4 ,grant1 however1 understood4 ,he told me later it was just in time to prevent his coming out4 ,with one hand supporting me on the edge of the dressing-table1 ,i was now close to ,boyde1 bent double in front of him1 staring up into his eyes4 8,give me that razor10 ,i said1 and he obeyed1 as ,i felt sure he would4 ,that is1 his fingers moved away from it1 and ,i quickly pushed it out of his reach4 ,with my other hand ,i seized his arm4 ,i raised my face to his as much as my wound allowed4 8,boyde10 ,i said1 8,i know everything60 ,if ,i expected a collapse1 as ,i think was the case1 ,i was disappointed4 ,nothing happened4 ,he did not move4 ,not a muscle1 not even an eyelash flickered4 ,he stared down into my upturned face without a word1 waiting for what was coming2 control of the features1 of mouth and eyes in particular1 was absolute4 ,and it was this silence1 this calm assurance1 giving me no help1 even making it more difficult for me1 that1 ,i think1 combined to set me going4 ,i was fairly wound up2 ,i saw red4 ,the words poured out1 hot1 bitter1 scathing4 ,the moment ,i ended1 he smiled1 as he said very quietly3 8,i don't know what you're talking about4 ,you are fearfully excited and you will regret your words4 ,i do wish you would get back into bed4 ,all this is awfully bad for you in your weak condition40 ,i was flabbergasted4 ,all the wind had been taken from my sails4 ,a touch would have sent me to the floor1 but he did not touch me4 ,he merely gazed into my face with an air of calm patience that had pity in it1 a hint even of contempt4 ,there was a little silence after he had spoken4 ,for a moment ,i had no notion what to do or say4 ,then1 quite suddenly1 up flashed my plan4 ,i was less excited now1 my voice was well under control4 8,boyde10 ,i said1 8now1 at last1 ,i've caught you in a worse thing still4 ,you have forged a letter and a signature4 ,you have forged a cheque as well4 ,and you will have to go to prison for it4 ,there is a headquarters detective outside waiting for me to call him in4 ,you are going to be arrested40 ,there was a moment of taut suspense ,i can never forget4 ,he stared down at me1 obviously at first incredulous4 ,a slight twitch ran across his face1 nothing more2 beyond a trifling extra bend of the head1 he made no movement4 ,he was judging me1 weighing my words1 wondering if they were true4 ,the next second ,i saw that he believed me4 ,what happened then to his face ,i had never seen before1 though ,i was often to see it afterwards in other faces during my criminal experience4 ,the skin slowly blanched to the hue of flour2 the cheeks sagged2 the mouth opened2 the look in his eyes was dreadful4 ,the whole face disintegrated1 as it were4 ,he had the air of a hunted animal at bay4 ,at the same time there was a convulsive movement of his entire body that frightened me4 ,i did not know what he was going to do4 ,it was really made up of several movements1 one starting after another4 ,first1 his knees gave way and he nearly collapsed4 ,then1 evidently1 he considered the possibility of knocking me down and dashing out of the room4 ,his eyes ran swiftly over everything at once1 it seemed1 noticing the razor certainly1 but finding me awkwardly between him and the end of the table where it lay4 ,he half turned in the direction of the window behind him1 thinking doubtless of escape by the leads outside4 ,he gave finally a sort of lurch towards me1 but this ,i did not actually see1 for ,i had turned away and was crawling painfully over to the door4 ,it was ,grant who supplied this detail of description later4 ,his idea1 probably1 was to knock me down and make a bolt for it4 ,but1 whatever it was he really intended to do1 in the end he did nothing1 for at this second ,grant emerged suddenly from his cupboard4 ,i was already leaning with my back against the door and caught the look of terror and blank amazement that came into ,boyde's face1 as he saw another man whom he certainly took at first for the detective4 ,he stood stock still like a petrified figure4 ,a moment later he recognized him as the ,englishman he had met at the cricket match4 ,he subsided backwards1 half on to the window-sill and half against the dressing-table4 ,the drama of the scene suddenly occurred to me for the first time1 as ,i watched ,grant walk over and put the razor in his pocket1 and then sit down quietly on the sofa4 ,he spoke no single word4 ,he merely sat and watched4 ,with my back against the door ,i then went on talking quickly4 ,yet behind my anger and disgust1 ,i felt the old pity surge up2 already ,i was sorry for him2 ,i would presently forgive him4 ,but1 first1 there was something else to be done4 ,the plan lay quite clear in my mind4 ,closely watched by ,grant and myself1 ,boyde had meanwhile moved out into the room1 still without speaking a single word1 and flung himself on the bed where he began to cry like a child4 ,he sobbed convulsively1 though whether the tears were of sorrow or of fear1 ,i could not tell4 ,we watched him for some time in silence4 ,it was some minutes later that he sat up1 still shaking with sobs1 and tried to speak4 ,in an utterly broken voice he begged for mercy1 not for himself--he swore he didn't 8care a damn0 about his 8worthless self0--but for his mother's sake4 ,it would break her heart1 if she heard about it2 it would kill her4 ,he implored me for another chance4 ,his flow of words never ceased4 ,if ,i would let him off this time1 he begged1 he would do anything ,i wished1 anything1 anything in the world4 ,he would leave ,new ,york1 he would go home and enlist 444 but forgery meant years in gaol4 8,i am only thirty1 and the sentence would mean the end of my life44440 ,perhaps instinct warned me he was lying1 perhaps he over-acted1 ,i cannot say2 but the entire scene1 the sobs1 the impassioned language1 the anguish in the broken voice1 the ruin of the face ,i had once thought innocent1 all left me without emotion4 ,i was exhausted too4 ,i had witnessed similar scenes between detectives and their prisoners1 the former not only unmoved1 but bored and even angry4 ,i understood now how they felt4 ,but there was the balance of my plan to be carried out2 my original principle had never wavered2 ,i believed the terror he had felt would make him run straight in future2 the moment had now come1 ,i thought1 to tell him he was forgiven4 ,so ,i left the door--he screamed1 thinking ,i was going to open it--and crawled slowly over to him4 ,putting my hand on his shoulder1 and using the gentlest1 kindest voice ,i could find1 ,i told him he should have another chance1 but only one4 ,all excitement had died out of me1 ,i felt real pity1 the old affection rose1 ,i urged and begged him to 8run straight0 from this moment4444 8,but--there is a condition10 ,i finished my sermon4 8,anything1 ,blackwood4 ,i'll do anything you say40 ,the tears were still hanging on his cheeks4 8,you will sit down and write what ,i dictate40 ,we found a sheet of foolscap1 and he sat down at the little desk1 while ,i stood over him and dictated the words of a full confession4 ,in writing it1 ,boyde's hand was as steady as that of a clerk making an unimportant entry in an office book4 ,he came to the end and looked up at me enquiringly4 8,now write a duplicate10 ,i said1 8in your other handwriting1 the one you meant to be a copy of ,kay's40 ,he did this too2 to an inexperienced eye the difference was extraordinary4 ,i asked ,grant to witness it with me1 and when this was finished ,i waved the document in the other's face4 8,i shall keep this10 ,i told him gravely1 8and if ever you go wrong again1 it will mean twenty years in prison40 ,i do not think he knew what ,i knew at that moment2 viz4 that a confession signed 8under duress0 was not evidence in a court of law4 ,he said very simply1 gazing into my eyes3 8,you've saved my life1 ,blackwood4 ,i shall never forget this day4 ,my temptations have been awful1 but from this moment ,i mean to run straight1 perfectly straight40 ,words of gratitude followed in a flood4 ,he shook my hand1 begging to be allowed to help me back into bed4 8,i must first tell the detective ,i've withdrawn the charge10 ,i said4 8,i must send him away4 ,he doesn't know your name40 ,boyde thanked me volubly again1 as ,i crawled to the door1 closed it again1 and stood in the cold passage a minute or two4 8,the man's gone10 ,i said1 when ,i came back4 8,when--when am ,i to leave this room80 he asked quietly4 ,i told him he could stay4 ,the matter was forgiven and forgotten4 ,he began to cry again4444 ,for some time after ,grant had gone1 we were alone4 ,boyde talked a little1 repeating his gratitude4 ,i asked him one question only3 had he been in gaol before8 8,i would rather not answer that1 if you don't mind10 he said4 ,i did not press him1 for he had answered it4 8,i shall never1 never go wrong again10 he kept repeating4 ,and all the time he talked--,i learned this later--there lay in his coat pocket1 that was my coat pocket1 the sum of ten dollars which belonged to me4 ,he had sold two of my translations to ,mc,cloy1 telling me ,mc,cloy had refused them4 ,i have a vague recollection of that evening and of our talk1 for complete exhaustion had come over me from the moment ,i got back into bed4 ,it was not unconsciousness1 but probably half unconsciousness4 ,i was only dimly aware of what was going on4 ,i remember ,boyde going out to eat something at ,krisch's1 then coming back4 ,i woke in darkness with a sudden start4 ,the gas was out1 and ,i wondered why4 ,there was a noise close beside me--something swishing4 ,my mind cleared in a flash4 8,put it back1 ,boyde10 ,i called out4 8,put it back at once40 ,a thin summer coat hung on the door1 too thin and shabby to wear1 too ragged to pawn4 ,i had placed the confession in the inside pocket1 and it was this coat ,i now heard swishing faintly against the wood4 ,no answer came1 but ,i plainly heard the soft tread of bare feet along the carpet4 ,i got up and lit the gas4 ,boyde lay apparently sleeping soundly on the floor4 ,i noticed how well-nourished his body looked4 ,he1 at any rate1 had not been starving4 ,then ,i moved to the door1 found the confession1 took it out1 and crawled back into bed4 ,from that moment the paper never left me2 it was with me when later the doctor allowed me out1 and at night it lay under my pillow while ,i slept4 ,i kept the torn scraps of the cheque and letter with it1 and ,i hid the razor4 ,boyde never shaved himself in that room again4 ,,chapter ,,xviii ,the episode1 though far from being finished1 had a shattering effect upon me4 ,if a friend1 so close to me by ties of affection and gratitude1 could act like this1 how would others1 less intimately related1 behave8 ,my trust in people was killed4 ,a sense of deep loneliness was added to the other miseries of that bed4 ,only my books comforted and helped 444 they did not fail 444 their teachings stood stiff and firm like a steel rod that never bent or shifted1 much less broke4 ,since these notes tell merely the superficial episodes of my early years1 further mention of what the books meant to me is unnecessary2 enough--more than enough1 probably--has already been told to show the background which explains motive and conduct4 ,the main stream of my life1 at any rate1 ran deeper and ever deeper1 its centre of gravity far below anything that could possibly come to me in the ordinary world or outward happenings4 ,big dreams were in me at white heat1 burning1 burning 444 and all external events were coloured by them4 ,there followed now a more peaceful though short period1 during which ,boyde behaved well1 with kindness and signs of true penitence4 ,grant warned me this was acting1 and that ,i had been a fool to forgive and let him stay on1 but ,i would not listen1 and followed my own principle4 ,i did not trust him1 but never let him know it1 showing him full confidence1 with all the former intimacy and affection4 ,i felt sure this was the right and only way4 ,his attitude to me had something of a dog's devotion in it4 ,i fully believed he was 8running straight0 again4 ,i watched him closely1 while hiding suspicion carefully away4 ,november drew to a close2 ,kay sent no more money2 the debt to ,mrs4 ,bernstein grew2 income became smaller and smaller4 ,i wrote to ,mc,cloy1 who replied with a brief word that ,i could come back when ,i was well again4 ,before leaving my bed1 however1 at the end of the month1 another incident occurred that shocked me far more than the first4 ,one afternoon about a week after the confession1 there came a knock at the door1 and to my complete surprise1 in walked a banker1 who had often stayed in our house in ,england4 ,i was startled and annoyed1 for ,i feared he would write home and tell the truth that my letters so carefully concealed4 ,it was a couple of years since ,i had seen him4 ,how had he found me out8 ,his first sentence told me3 8,but this is dreadful4 ,i knew nothing about your being ill4 ,i didn't know you were in ,new ,york even4 ,an ,englishman named ,boyde came to my office yesterday and told me40 ,he looked me over with anxiety4 8,but your bones are showing6 ,have you been very bad8 ,why on earth didn't you let me know1 my dear fellow80 ,i had spoken of this acquaintance in ,boyde's presence1 and he had evidently made a note of name and address4 ,i explained quickly that ,i had not been seriously ill1 that ,i was nearly well and had a good doctor1 and that ,i was on the staff of the ,evening ,sun and doing well4 ,i told him briefly about my ,canadian career as well4 ,the banker was a very decent fellow4 ,his visit was brief1 but he was very kind1 well-meaning and sympathetic--only--,i did not want him6 ,he promised1 anyhow1 he would not write to my father--was glad1 ,i think1 to be relieved of the necessity--and before going he absolutely insisted on leaving some money with me4 ,i refused and refused again4 ,but my own exhaustion and his persistence resulted in his leaving all he had on him at the moment--#cb4 ,months later ,i discovered that ,boyde had obtained other sums from him on the plea that ,i needed a specialist1 and there may have been yet further amounts of similar kind for all ,i knew4 ,on coming in1 ,boyde took his scolding with a smile2 he had 8acted for the best44440 ,we discussed how the money should be spent1 agreeing upon #aj to ,mrs4 ,bernstein1 #aj to the doctor next day1 #c to redeem ,kay's overcoat1 which we would send to him1 and the balance in hand1 after laying in a store of dried apples1 oatmeal and condensed milk1 as our supplies were now exhausted4 ,next morning1 when he left at eight o'clock for a studio appointment and choir rehearsal1 ,i gave him the money for the landlady and a dollar he asked for himself4 ,the balance he put back in the drawer of the little desk beside my bed4 ,it was a happier morning than ,i had known for long2 the feeling that ,i had something to give to the doctor made the hours pass quickly1 and when he arrived at three1 in his very best mood1 he was obviously pleased on hearing that ,i could easily spare #aj4 ,the relief was written on his beaming face4 ,he thanked me warmly4 8,i do really need it10 he said with emphasis1 8or ,i couldn't take it from you40 ,we passed a delightful hour or two2 ,i was strong enough to play the fiddle to him2 we talked 444 the happiest afternoon ,i had yet known in that room came to an end2 he prepared to go4 ,pointing to the drawer1 ,i asked him to take the money out4 ,he did so4 ,at least he opened the drawer4 ,he opened all four drawers4 ,the money was not there4 ,the most painful part of it1 ,i think1 was the look on his face as he presently went out4 ,he did not believe me4 ,i had found it impossible to mention ,boyde4 ,i had been speechless4 ,i had no explanation to give4 ,by the expression on the old ,german's face as he left the room ,i could see he thought ,i was lying to him4 ,his disappointment in me was greater than his disappointment over the money4 ,it was a bitter moment--even more bitter than the further treachery of my companion4444 ,i was alone with my thoughts and feelings4 ,i was alone for four days--and four nights4 ,boyde1 that is1 did not return till four days had passed1 while the doctor stayed away three days4 ,whether either of them had said anything to ,mrs4 ,bernstein on their way out1 ,boyde promising payment perhaps1 the doctor letting fall something derogatory1 ,i did not know4 ,mrs4 ,bernstein1 anyhow1 was very unpleasant during those four awful days4 ,boyde had not even given her the #aj4 ,she paid me dreadful visits1 she threatened to sell my things 7what8 ,i wondered71 to turn me out2 she sent up hardly any food4444 ,waiting for ,boyde's step1 listening all day1 all night 444 ,i needed my books1 my dreams1 my inner crack1 as ,i had never needed them before during those horrible four days4 ,they seemed an eternity4 ,the long nights1 of course1 were by far the worse2 the dreams1 the expectancy1 for ever anticipating the familiar tread of stockinged feet on the stairs1 wondering what in the world had happened1 how things would end4444 ,had he been arrested1 perhaps for something terrible8 ,they were haunted nights that made me dread the first sign of coming dusk4 ,it seemed like weeks1 an incalculable time altogether had passed since ,i had seen him4444 ,then the spider took the place of the other vermin4 ,i have always particularly disliked spiders1 and this one was the father of them all2 though it was the horror of him1 not the physical presence1 that haunted my nights so persistently4 ,he was1 ,i am sure1 the ,spider ,idea4 ,he originated in a room in ,toronto1 where a friend foolishly let his prototype1 a tarantula1 escape1 and where it hid all night4 ,it was my room4 ,he came from ,florida with a case of bananas4 ,he was very big1 if sluggish1 his swollen body and hairy black legs the nastiest ,i had ever seen4 ,i spent the night with this monster on the loose1 and the first thing in the morning ,i saw him1 low down on the wall1 quite close to me4 ,he had crept for warmth to a pipe near the hot air register4 ,this spider now came at me1 stirred into life by the chance activity of some memory cell4 ,he came crawling across the leads1 dragging his bulging body slowly1 then feeling over the smooth glass with his legs that were like black brushes a chimney sweep might use4 ,up the stairs he came too1 but sideways there1 being too large to move in his usual way2 first three legs on one side1 then three legs on the other1 heaving himself along1 the mass of his body between them sloping like a boat at sea4 ,the fat body was derived1 ,i'm sure1 from the shock of noticing ,boyde's well-fed appearance4444 ,there were other things besides the spider1 the mind1 doubtless1 being a little overwrought4 ,one of these 8other things0 was real--a yellow-haired woman who aired what the papers called her 8shapely legs0 in silk tights for a living4 ,pauline ,m---- was her name1 and she was leading lady in the 8,night ,owls ,company10 then playing at ,tony ,pastor's ,music ,hall in #adth ,street1 or1 perhaps1 it was at ,koster and ,biel's ,hall further up town4 ,i have forgotten4 ,in any case1 ,boyde had mentioned the ,company to me in some connexion or other4 ,he knew her4 ,her visit to me has always seemed vague and hazy2 shrouded in mist of some kind1 the mist of my suffering mind1 ,i imagine4 ,there lies a feverish touch of fantasy all over it4 ,it was on the evening of the second day since ,boyde had disappeared1 though ,i could have sworn that at least a week's loneliness had intervened4 ,it was the second day1 ,i know1 because the doctor came on the fourth4 ,during the afternoon an unintelligible telegram had come1 sent from a ,broadway office3 8,don't be anxious--have surprising news for you--no drinking--home this afternoon4----,b40 ,there was not much comfort in it1 though at least ,i knew then he had not been arrested1 but an hour or so later a second telegram had arrived1 sent from an office above #dbnd ,street3 8,married ,pauline this afternoon4----,b40 ,it all mystified1 confused and troubled me extremely1 and the strain on nerves and emotions had been so prolonged that1 ,i think1 ,i was half stupefied with it all1 half stupid certainly4 ,at any rate1 the visit always seemed a sort of unreal visit1 veiled as it were1 and shadowy4 ,two thoughts were in my mind when the knock sounded on the door3 food and ,boyde4 ,i was always listening intently for his tread1 but ,i was also listening for ,mrs4 ,bernstein's footstep with a possible tray4 ,it was after six o'clock2 since coffee and bread at #h4cj in the morning ,i had eaten nothing1 for our own supplies were finished4 ,instead of ,boyde or the tray1 however1 in walked the woman with yellow hair and statuesque figure4 ,she wore furs1 she was over-dressed and painted1 she reeked of scent4 ,to me it was a kind of nightmare vision4 ,details of her long visit ,i remember but very few4 ,she at once announced herself--8,i am ,pauline ,m----0 and asked excitedly1 8,are you ,blackwood80 ,she was in a 8state40 ,her great figure filled the little room4 ,she poured out a torrent of words in a cockney voice4 ,her face was flaming red beneath the paint4 ,occasionally she swept about4 ,the name of ,boyde recurred frequently4 ,she was attacking me1 ,i gathered4 ,boyde had said this and that about me4 ,i understood less than nothing4 ,i remember asking her to sit down1 and that she refused1 and that presently ,i asked something else3 8,has he married you80 and that she suddenly caught sight of the telegrams lying on my bed--,i had pointed--then picked them up and read them4 ,she came closer to me while she did this1 so that ,i caught the stink of spirits4 ,it was all very muddled and confused to me1 and ,i made no attempt to talk4 ,i heard her begging me to 8give him back0 to her1 that she loved him1 that ,i had 8poisoned his mind0 against her--threats and beseeching oddly mingled4 ,but the telegrams seemed to sober her a little1 for ,i remember her becoming abruptly more quiet1 almost maudlin1 and pouring out an endless story about ,boyde who was1 apparently1 8full of money 444 full of liquor0 444 and full of anger against me because he had been 8supporting0 me and ,i had shown 8base ingratitude40444 ,i was too bewildered to feel much4 ,it numbed me4 ,i couldn't make sense of it4 ,i couldn't realize how ,boyde had deliberately left me alone so long4 ,something monstrous and inhuman touched it all4 ,she went away eventually in a calmer state1 though leaving me in a condition that was far from calm4 ,she went1 begging me to 8send him back0 to her when he came home1 but half realizing1 ,i gathered1 that the boot was on the other leg1 so far as ,boyde and myself were concerned4 ,she was still angry with me in a vague unjust sort of way1 not knowing whom to believe probably1 nor exactly what had happened4 ,she flounced out of the room in a whirl of excitement and cockney sentences1 and ,i never saw her again4 ,my tray arrived within a few minutes of her welcome departure4444 ,i spent an appalling night4 ,boyde1 the yellow-haired woman1 ,mrs4 ,bernstein1 the old ,german1 the spider1 steps on the stairs a hundred times that came to nothing4444 ,i wished once or twice that ,i were dead4444 ,the door did not open4444 ,it never rains but it pours4 ,two days later the doctor came in the afternoon1 in the blackest mood ,i had yet encountered4 ,i rather expected his visit1 and though dreading it1 ,i also longed for it1 longed to see someone--a human being4 ,he came sharp at three1 attended to me1 and left again4 ,the visit lasted perhaps ten or fifteen minutes1 and during the whole time he spoke no single word1 not even greeting me when he entered1 or saying good-bye when he went out4 ,his face was black1 aged1 terrible in the suffering it wore4 ,i had meant to tell him at last about ,boyde1 unable any longer to keep it to myself4 ,i simply must tell someone4 ,but not a syllable could ,i get out4 ,when the old ,german had gone1 however1 ,i felt sure it was his own mysterious suffering1 and not any feeling against myself1 that caused his strange behaviour4 ,i knew1 too1 that he would come again1 and thus ,i got some comfort from his silent1 rapid visit4 ,this was on the fourth day since ,boyde deserted2 it was the day on which he came back4 ,he came back2 his money had given out2 he had nowhere to sleep4 ,it was night1 somewhere about ten o'clock4 ,i was falling into an uneasy doze1 the kind of doze that introduced the spider1 when the door opened softly4 ,there was no knock4 ,i had heard no footstep4 ,the door just opened and he came in4 ,every nerve in me became alert4 ,truth to tell1 there was no emotion in me of any sort or kind4 ,i was numb1 exhausted to the bone4 ,i lay still and stared at him4 ,he looked sleek and even prosperous4 ,he looked gorged with food4 ,his face was a little swollen4 ,the big blue eyes were clear4 ,he let the eyeglass fall1 gazing at me1 while a smile broke over his face4 ,i was so glad to see him1 so relieved to have him back1 that1 though no emotion beyond that of suspense ended was in me1 ,i felt1 as once before with the doctor1 a lump rise in my throat4 ,his bloated expression distressed me vaguely4 ,at first he said nothing1 but walked across the room on tiptoe1 as though pretending ,i was asleep and he feared to wake me4 ,my tongue loosened suddenly4 ,the very words ,i have not forgotten4 ,a matter that had not lain in my mind for days came uppermost3 8,did you send off the overcoat to ,kay80 ,he nodded1 but without looking at me4 ,it was a lie1 ,i knew4 ,my eyes followed him round1 as he began to undress4 ,for several minutes ,i said nothing4 ,then other words came to me3 8,i've been alone four days and nights40 ,silence4 8,without food--or anybody40 ,silence1 but he turned his back to me4 8,without money40 ,silence4 ,he stood quite motionless4 8,i might have died4 ,i might have gone crazy40 ,silence4 8,it's been awful--the loneliness and wondering----0 ,he half turned1 but instantly turned back again4 ,no sound escaped him4 8,i've been thinking about you--and wondering day and night4 ,are you really married8 ,pauline's been here--this afternoon40 ,his silence was broken by a sort of gulp1 and he bent over4 ,my mistake about the date of the woman's visit was intentional--,i thought it might open his lips2 ,i did not correct it4 ,he half turned to look at me1 but again instantly hid his face as before4 ,then he abruptly sat down on the sofa1 leaning against the back1 his head in his hands4 ,i raised myself in bed1 never taking my eyes off him4 8,i got your telegrams4 ,have you nothing to say8 ,no explanation8 ,have you brought any food1 any money8 ,you have had money--all this time40 ,silence1 broken only by another gulp4 8,i saw you take the money out of the drawer4 ,i said nothing because ,i thought you were going to get me things4 ,i trusted you40 ,he turned all at once and faced me1 though keeping his eyes always steadily on the floor4 ,the tears were streaming down his face like rain4 8,are you tired80 ,i asked4 8,you'd better lie down and go to sleep4 ,you can talk to-morrow40 ,it was this that finished him4 ,he had reached the breaking point4 ,there is no heroism in me2 it was simply that ,i needed him1 rotten as he was1 heartless1 cruel1 vile as well2 ,i funked another spell of that awful loneliness2 ,i knew him now for a coward and a beast1 but ,i could not face another night alone4 ,that complete loneliness had been too horrible4 ,a wild animal was better than that4 ,boyde was of the hyena type1 but a hyena was better than a spider4 ,it was neither generosity nor nobility that made me listen to his ridiculous and lying story of an 8awful and terrible temptation10 of a 8fearful experience with a woman0 who had drugged him4444 ,the tale spun itself far into the night1 the razor and the confession were under my pillow1 ,i fell asleep1 dead with exhaustion1 while he was still explaining something about a 8woman named ,pauline ,m----0 who had 8deceived me in a most extraordinary way44440 ,the following day1 in the morning--,dr4 ,huebner came unexpectedly4 ,boyde had gone out before ,i woke4 ,this time he was a radiant ,dr4 ,jekyll1 and ,i told him the whole story4 ,his only comment1 looking severely at me through the big spectacles1 was3 8,i expected it4 ,he is a confidence man4 ,i knew it the first time ,i saw him4 ,you have kicked the devil out1 of course80 ,a violent disagreement that was almost a quarrel followed4 8,i simply do not understand you10 he said at last1 in complete disgust4 ,it was only the wondrous1 beaming happy mood he was in that prevented his being really angry4 ,he threw his hands up and snorted4 8,you are either a fool or a saint1 and--,i'm sure you're not a saint40 ,he was very much upset4 ,i did not yield4 ,there was something in me that persuaded me to forgive ,boyde and to give him yet another chance4 ,i told ,boyde this in very plain language4 ,i claim no credit--,i have never felt the smallest credit--for what ,i did4 ,it was simply that somehow it seemed impossible not to forgive him--anything4 ,but the time was near1 though the feeling of forgiveness still held true in me1 when my forgiveness took another form4 ,thirty years ago these little incidents occurred4 ,it seems like thirty days4 ,,chapter ,,xix ,it is a mercy one cannot see the future4 ,in that ,new ,york misery1 present and to follow1 had ,i known that some fifteen years later ,i should be my own master1 living more or less 8like a gentleman10 earning my livelihood1 though a very bare one1 by writing1 ,i could never have faced what ,i did face4 ,any value that may have lain in the experiences would certainly have been missed1 at any rate4 ,if one knew that the future promised better things1 there is no patience in human beings that could hold and wait for it2 if1 on the other hand1 it promised worse1 ,i have met no courage that could bear the present4 ,those who preach 8live in the present only0 have common sense on their side4 ,with the memory of the past1 similarly1 such folk show wisdom4 ,reincarnation is an interesting theory to many2 yet to recall past lives could have but one effect--to render one ineffective now4 ,to recall the failures of a mere forty years is bad enough2 to look back over a hundred lives would be disastrous3 one could only sit down and cry4 ,december had come with its cold and bitter winds1 and the doctor1 ever faithful1 had let me up4 ,i went for my first little walk1 leaning on ,boyde's arm4 ,round ,gramercy ,park we crawled slowly1 and that first taste of fresh air1 the sound of wind in the leafless trees1 a faint hint of the sea that reaches even the city streets1 gave me an unforgettable happiness and yearning4 ,the plan to settle in the backwoods again obsessed me4 ,a little later ,i had almost persuaded the doctor1 and ,kay in my letters1 to take up a claim north of the ,muskoka ,lakes where we had spent such a happy summer4 ,boyde was to come too--8as a sort of excitement1 ,i suppose60 was the doctor's bitter comment4 ,i grew gradually stronger4 ,reporting was still impossible1 but1 introduced by ,boyde1 ,i earned something by posing in the studios4 ,a 8sitting0 was three hours4 ,some artists paid by the hour1 but ,charles ,dana ,gibson1 then drawing his weekly cartoons in ,life1 always paid for a full sitting1 though he might use his model for an hour only4 ,he was a rapid worker1 and a good fellow2 he never forgot to ask if one was tired of any particular attitude2 my first pose to him was for a broken-down actor leaning against a hoarding covered with advertisements1 the joke being something about a bill-board and a board-bill4 ,i was thrilled when it appeared in ,life4 ,there was always a great rush among the models for ,gibson's studio4 ,the only other poses ,i remember are swinging a golf club and sitting for a bishop's arms and hands4 ,i wore big sleeves4 ,these1 however1 were not in ,gibson's studio4 ,my memory of this work is dim2 it was not unpleasant2 only its uncertainty against it1 though a good week might bring in as much as fifteen dollars4 ,smedley1 who illustrated for ,harper's ,magazine1 was the painter we all disliked most2 ,cox1 son of ,bishop ,cox1 ,cleveland ,cox being his full name1 ,i think1 was a favourite3 he was a gentleman4 ,there was ,zogbaum too1 another illustrator1 and there was ,lynwood ,palmer1 the horse-painter1 and leading artist on ,the ,rider and ,driver1 a first-class weekly of that day4 8,artist ,palmer10 as the papers called him later1 was a character4 ,his kindness to me stands out4 ,he had very great talent--for getting the likeness of a horse4 ,we called him 8,the ,horse40 ,he made a success at his work1 painted the 8,king's ,horses and ,men0 in subsequent years1 and settled down eventually--he was an ,englishman--,i believe1 at ,heston1 ,hounslow4 ,his ,new ,york studio was in ,fifth ,avenue4 ,many a time he gave me food there4 8,artist ,palmer0 was self-taught4 ,i forget the whole story1 but he had known his hard times4 ,looking at my dirty boots the first time ,i called1 he said3 8,when ,i drove a cab here1 my boots were better cleaned than any man's on the rank40 ,i was not partial to ,dr4 ,smiles' 8,self ,help40 ,a 8shine0 moreover1 cost #e cents1 and #e cents meant a glass of beer and a meal at a free lunch counter--our invariable lunch at that time4 ,artist ,palmer knew ,boyde as a bad lot1 and told me that ,boyde was lying about me behind my back everywhere1 saying that he was supporting me1 paying for my illness1 and while borrowing money in my name1 explaining that ,i spent all he gave me in dissipation6 ,his method was to present a forged cheque to some good-natured friend after banking hours1 obtain the money1 and spend it on himself4 ,a tale of woe1 with crocodile tears1 saved him from subsequent arrest4 ,no one ever prosecuted him4 ,all this ,i kept to myself1 though ,i watched ,boyde more and more closely4 ,i knew his studio appointments and made him hand over what he earned4 ,i did also an idiotic thing3 ,i went down and warned the pastor's daughter about him4 ,palmer's words and my own feeling persuaded me to this fatal action4 ,she was a beautiful girl4 ,i received from her the same kind of treatment that ,i had shown to the man who first warned me4 ,boyde1 of course1 soon knew about it4 ,we had a scene4 ,i saw for the first time anger in his face1 black hatred too4 ,he never forgave me my stupid indiscretion4444 ,the way he explained my action to the girl herself was characteristic of him1 but ,i only learned later how he managed it4 ,in a voluntary confession he wrote a few weeks afterwards1 a confession he judged might convince me he was genuinely repentant1 and at the same time save him from a grave impending fate1 he described it--honestly3 8,i told her10 he said1 8she was to pay no attention to your warnings1 because you wanted me to marry one of your sisters40 ,the way ,i lost ,boyde temporarily comes a little later in his story1 but may be told here because it marked the close of a definite little chapter in his career with me4 ,it was the first week in ,december4 ,i came home--from the doctor's house--at two in the morning4 ,the gas was burning1 but the room was not too well lit by the single burner4 ,boyde lay asleep on the floor as usual4 ,i moved softly so as not to wake him4 ,i glanced down4 ,what ,i saw startled me2 more1 it gave me a horrid turn4 ,the figure on the mattress was another man4 ,it was not ,boyde4 ,then1 as ,i cautiously looked closer1 ,i discovered my mistake4 ,it was ,boyde after all1 but without his moustache4 ,i stared for some minutes in amazement1 for the face was completely altered4 ,the drooping1 rather heavy moustache had always hidden his lips and mouth4 ,i now saw that mouth4 ,and it was a cruel1 brutal mouth1 hard1 sensual1 with ugly thickish lips1 contradicting the kindly blue eyes completely4 ,a sentence of detective-sergeant ,heidelberg1 a headquarters man1 came back to me1 himself a brutal1 heartless type1 if ever there was one1 but with years of criminal experience behind him3 8,watch the mouth and hands and feet10 he told me once in court4 8,they can fake the eyes dead easy1 but they can't fake the mouth hell give 'em4 ,they forgit their hands and feet4 ,watch their mouth and hands and feet--the way these fidgit4 ,that give 'em away every time40 ,why had ,boyde done this thing8 ,he was a handsome man1 the light graceful moustache was a distinct asset in his appearance4 ,why had he shaved suddenly8 ,i stared at the new horrid face for a long time4 ,he lay sleeping like a child4 ,i turned to examine the room1 as changes might be there too4 ,all seemed as usual1 ,i saw no difference anywhere4 ,then my eyes fell on the cupboard with its half-opened door4 ,boyde's coat1 that was my own coat1 the only thick one we had between us1 hung down from the hook4 ,and1 for the first time1 the sight of that coat stirred a dim1 painful memory of the place where ,i had first worn it4 ,naturally it was old1 but it was also ,english4 ,the house in ,kent rose up--the lime trees on the lawn1 the tennis courts1 my father's study1 his face1 my mother's face1 their voices even1 the very smell and atmosphere and feelings of happy days that now seemed for ever lost4 ,the whole machinery of association worked suddenly at full pressure4 ,it was like a blow4 ,i realized vividly the awful gap between those days and these1 between myself as ,i had been and as ,i was4 ,a whiff of perfume1 a smell1 produces this kind of evocation in most cases2 with me1 just then1 it was my old ,english coat4 ,i remember the strong emotion in me1 and that1 while still held and gripped by it1 my eye caught sight of an envelope sticking out of the inside breast pocket4 ,the coat hung by chance in a way that made it visible4 ,it might easily fall out altogether4 ,i moved over and stretched out a hand to put it safely back and then saw that the writing on the envelope was my own4 ,it was a letter4 ,i took it out4 ,the address was the house in ,kent1 whose atmosphere still hung about my thoughts4 ,the name was my mother's name4 ,there were other letters1 all my own2 one to my father2 two to my brother1 the one being in the world ,i really loved1 the only one of the family to whom ,i had given vague hints of the real state of affairs4 ,some of the letters were two weeks1 three weeks old4 ,in each case the five-cent stamp had been torn off4 ,five cents meant a glass of lager and a meal at a free lunch counter4 ,there was no reflection4 ,holding the letters in my hand1 ,i moved across to the mattress4 ,there was an anger in me that made me afraid1 afraid of myself4 ,i wanted to kill1 ,i thought ,i was going to kill1 ,i understood easily how a man can kill4 ,in my mind was a vivid picture of my brother's face--it was he1 not my parents1 who moved with me4 ,but ,i was not excited2 ice was in me1 not fire4 ,something else1 too1 at that moment was in my veins1 a drug 444 a strong dose1 too6 ,five minutes before my entire being had been in a state of utter bliss1 of radiant kindness1 of tolerance1 of charity to everybody in the world4 ,i would have given away my last cent1 ,i would have forgiven anybody anything4 ,all this was swept away in an instant4 ,i felt a cold1 white anger that wanted to kill4 ,boyde had not heard my footstep2 he lay sound asleep4 ,i tore the blanket off4 ,he lay half naked before me1 sleek1 well-nourished1 over-fed1 loathsome1 horrible beyond anything ,i had known4 ,he turned with a jump and sat up4 ,i held the letters against his face1 but he was still dazed with sleep and only stared stupidly1 first at the letters1 then into my face4 ,i kicked him2 ,i had my boots on4 8,get up60 ,i said4 ,and1 as he got up1 rather heavily1 trying to protect himself1 ,i kicked him again and again1 till at last he stood upright1 but at some distance from me1 over towards the window4 ,he understood by this time2 he saw the letters in my hand4 ,the terror in his face sickened me even in my anger4 ,i saw the evil almost visibly leap out4 ,the unfamiliarity1 now that the moustache was gone1 the cruelty of the naked lips and mouth1 the shrinking of the coward in him1 these made an unforgettable picture4 ,he did not utter a syllable4 ,my own utterance1 what words ,i used1 ,i cannot remember4 ,i did not remember them even ten minutes afterwards1 certainly not the next day1 when ,i told the doctor what had happened4 ,two sentences only remain accurate3 8,come close to me4 ,i'm going to kill you10 and the other3 8,get ready6 ,i'm going to beat you like an animal60 ,he stood before me1 wearing his short day-shirt without a collar1 his hair untidy1 his face white1 his half-naked body shaking4 ,he dropped to his knees1 he got up again and tried to hide1 he cringed and whined like a terrified dog1 his blue eyes were ghastly4 ,in myself were feelings ,i had never dreamed ,i possessed1 but whose evidence ,boyde must1 plainly1 have read in my expression4 ,what he could not read1 nor ever knew of course1 was the fight1 the fight of terror1 ,i was having with myself4 ,i felt that once ,i touched him ,i should not stop till ,i had gone too far4 ,i did not touch him once4 ,instead1 ,i told him to put on his clothes1 his own clothes1 and go4 ,he had no clothes of his own4 ,he did not go4444 ,i eventually let him wait till morning1 when he could find enough rags of sorts to wear in the street4444 ,he explained that he had shaved his moustache because the ,rockaway ,hunt demanded it4 ,he had said hardly a word during the entire scene4 ,half an hour after it was over he was sleeping soundly again4 ,i1 too1 thanks to the drug1 slept deeply4 ,i woke in the morning to find the mattress on the floor unoccupied4 ,boyde had gone4 ,with him had gone1 too1 my one thick suit and1 in addition1 every possible article of pawnable or other value that had been in the room or in the packing-case downstairs4 ,only the razor and the confession had he left behind because they were beneath my pillow4 ,the next time we met was in even more painful and dramatic circumstances4 ,i decided it was time to act4 ,i went down that same morning to police headquarters in ,mulberry ,street1 and swore out a warrant for his arrest on two charges2 forgery and petit larceny4 ,a theft of more than #be was grand larceny1 a conviction1 of course1 carrying heavier punishment4 ,i reduced his theft of my #cb1 therefore1 by seven dollars1 so that1 if caught and convicted1 his sentence might be as short as possible4 ,but for the fact that ,i was a reporter on a ,tammany newspaper1 nothing would have happened4 ,as it was1 no bribe being available1 the police refused to take any steps in the matter4 ,the confession1 they knew1 was worthless2 it was a small case2 no praise in the press1 no advertisement1 lay in it4 8,find out where he is10 ,detective ,lawler said1 8and let us know4 ,just telephone and ,i'll come up and take him4 ,but you do the huntin'4 ,see8 ,i don't40 ,this was ,detective ,lawler1 who1 under another name came into a story years later--8,max ,hensig10 in 8,the ,listener40 ,the determination to put ,boyde where he could no longer harm himself or others held as firm in me as1 formerly1 the determination to forgive had held4 ,the hunt1 however1 comes a little later in the story4 ,there was first the explanation of the doctor's secret4 ,the doctor was my companion in the dreadful hunt4 ,,chapter ,,xx ,it was1 perhaps1 the undigested horror of those days1 as also their unsatisfied yearnings after beauty1 that tried to find expression fifteen years later in writing4 ,once they were over ,i hid them away1 those dreadful weeks1 trying to forget them4 ,but nothing is ever forgotten1 nor is anything finally suppressed in the sense that it is done with4 ,expression1 sooner or later1 in one form or another1 inevitably crops up4 8,writing10 declared the old doctor1 after a talk about ,de ,quincey1 8is functional40 ,he had many pet theories or hobbies on which he loved to expatiate4 8,writing is as much a function of the system as breathing or excretion4 ,what the body takes in and cannot use1 it discards4 ,what the mind takes in and cannot use1 it1 similarly1 excretes4 ,a sensitive1 impressionable mind receives an incessant bombardment1 often an intense1 terrific bombardment of impressions4 ,two-thirds of such impressions are never digested1 much less used4 ,the artist-temperament whose sensitiveness accumulates a vast store1 uses them2 the real artist1 of course1 shapes them at the same time4 ,the ordinary man1 the ,dutzend ,mensch1 made in bundles by the dozen1 gets few impressions1 and needs1 naturally1 no outlet4444 ,writing is purely functional44440 ,it was one of his numerous pet theories4 ,i went to his house now every night2 he gave me his professional care1 he gave me sympathy1 he gave me food4 ,pathetic1 wonderful old ,german6 ,his tenderness was a woman's1 his temper a demon's4 ,i felt a giant in him somewhere4 ,at close daily quarters his alternate moods perplexed me utterly4 ,he had an ,irish wife1 a kind1 motherly1 but quite uneducated woman of about forty-five1 and a little girl of eight or nine1 whose white face looked as old as her mother's1 and whose diminutive figure seemed to me unusual somewhere4 ,was it not stunted8 ,her intelligence1 her odd ways1 her brilliant eyes captivated me4 ,she called me 8,uncle ,diedel40 ,she talked1 like her mother1 broken ,german4 ,supper1 an extremely simple meal1 but a feast to me1 was always in the basement kitchen4 ,the tiny wooden house1 owning something akin to squatter's rights which prevented its demolition1 stood in the next block to my own1 hemmed in by 8brownstone fronts10 but with a miniature garden4 ,new ,york1 that burns anthracite coal1 has no blacks and smuts2 the trees and shrubs were really green2 the earth smelt sweet4 ,the little house1 standing back from the road1 was a paradise to me4 ,its one ground-floor apartment was divided by folding doors into consulting- and waiting-rooms4 ,but no patients came1 or came so rarely that it was an event when the door-bell rang4 ,the doctor had the greatest difficulty in keeping himself and family alive4 ,at supper ,i used to eat as little as possible4 ,he seemed a competent physician4 ,i wondered greatly4 ,as well as real human kindness1 there was courage in that little building2 there was also a great tragedy ,i sensed long before ,i discovered its solution4 ,the strange innocence and ignorance of my up-bringing still clung to me4 ,the establishment1 the poverty1 the alternating moods1 as ,i said1 puzzled me2 ,i was aware of a whole life hidden away from my observation4 ,they were so poor that dinner was the meal of a workman1 they could not even keep a servant4 ,there were worrying debts as well4 ,often the doctor was so bearish and irritable that ,i dared not say a word1 his wife got curses and abuse1 he would almost kick the child1 finding fault with such sneers and rudeness that ,i vowed to myself ,i would never eat his food again4 ,then1 after a momentary absence in his workshop upstairs1 where he kept a lathe and made beautiful chessmen1 he would come slowly stumbling down again1 and the door would open to a wholly different being4 ,bent1 as always1 but well poised and vigorous1 with bright smiling eyes1 benevolent yet rugged face1 every gesture full of gentle kindness1 he would pat his old wife on the shoulder and take the child upon his knee1 and beg me to play the fiddle to him or to draw my chair up for an intimate talk4 ,he would light his great meerschaum pipe and beam upon the world through the blue smoke like some old jolly idol4 ,the change seemed miraculous4 ,his talk seemed1 at the time1 wonderful to me4 ,he would discourse on ,kant1 ,novalis1 ,heine1 on music1 science1 astronomy--8when your troubles seem at their worst10 he would say1 8look up at the stars for half an hour1 with imagination1 and you'll see your troubles in a new perspective0--on religion1 literature and life1 on anything and everything1 while downstairs his kindly old wife prepared the ,frankfurters and sauerkraut and coffee4 ,neither mother nor child1 ,i noticed1 paid much attention to his attacks4 ,the little girl1 who called her father 8,otto10 sat up with us night after night till two in the morning1 and hated going to bed4 ,she listened spellbound to the stream of talk4 ,i still see the dingy1 lamp-lit room in the heart of the roaring city1 the white-haired old doctor1 pipe in mouth1 the operating chair in the middle of the floor1 the little pale-faced child with her odd expression of maturity as she looked from him to me1 then led me by the hand to our late meal in the gloomy basement4 ,i often waited achingly for that meal1 having eaten nothing since breakfast4 ,would he never stop talking4448 ,we talked of ,boyde--his face4 ,the doctor's reading of ,boyde's face was that it was a bad1 deceitful1 clever face1 evil1 brutal and cruel4 ,i mentioned the man's various acts of kindness4 8,bait10 he exclaimed1 with a scornful snort1 8mere bait6 ,he wanted a free lodging4 ,he had plenty of money all along1 but the free bed gave him more--to spend on himself while you starved40 ,he talked on about faces4444 ,handsome ones he either disliked or distrusted1 handsome features like ,boyde's were too often a cloak that helped to hide and deceive4 ,behind such faces1 as a rule1 lay either badness or vacuity2 good looks were the most misleading thing in the world4 ,expression rarely accompanied good looks1 good features4 ,he was off on a pet hobby1 he waxed eloquent4 ,beautiful women--he spoke of good features chiefly--were almost invariably wicked1 or else empty4 ,of 8,society ,beauties0 he was particularly contemptuous4 8,regular features1 fine eyes1 perfect skin1 but no expression--no soul within4 ,the deer-like eyes1 the calm1 proud loveliness people rave about is mere vacancy4 ,pfui60 ,his habit of staring into the mirror came back to me1 and ,i ventured a question4 ,he hesitated a moment1 then got up and led me to the glass1 where1 without a word1 he began to gaze at his own reflection1 making the familiar grimaces1 smiling1 screwing up his eyes1 stretching his lips1 raising his eyebrows1 pulling his moustache about until1 at last1 ,i burst into laughter ,i could control no longer4 ,he turned in astonishment4 ,he examined my own face closely for some time4 8,you are too young still10 he said4 8,you have no lines4 ,in my face1 you see1 lies all my past1 layer below layer1 skin behind skin1 my face of middle age1 of early manhood1 of youth1 of childhood4 ,it carries me right back40 ,he began showing me again1 pointing to his reflection as he did so4 8,that's middle age 444 that's youth4444 ,ach6 and there's the boy's face1 look60 ,i did not dare to look1 for explosions of laughter were in my throat1 and ,i should have hurt his feelings dreadfully4 ,i understood what he meant1 however4 8,with the face of each period10 he explained1 8rise the memories1 feelings and emotions of that particular period1 its point of view1 its fears1 ambitions--hopes4 ,i live again momentarily in it4 ,i am a young man again1 a boy1 a child4 ,i am1 at any rate1 no longer myself--as ,i now am40 ,the way he spoke these four words was very grave and sad4 8,now10 he went on with a sigh1 8you understand the charm of the mirror4 ,it means escape from self4 ,this is the ultimate teaching of all religion--to escape from ,self40 ,he chuckled4 8,the mirror is my ,religion40 ,during this odd little scene ,i felt closer to his secret than ever before4 ,there was something fine and lovely in him1 something big1 but it lay in ruins4 ,had my attitude been a little different1 had ,i not laughed for instance1 ,i think he would have taken me into his confidence there and then4 ,but the opportunity was lost this time4 ,he asked1 instead1 for music1 old1 simple ,german songs being what he liked most4 ,he would lean back in his big chair1 puff his great pipe1 close his eyes1 and hum the melodies softly to himself while ,i played4 ,it was easy to vamp a sort of accompaniment with double stopping4 ,he dreamed of old days1 ,i suppose2 it was a variant of the mirror game4 ,tschaikowsky1 ,meyer-,helmund1 ,massenet he also liked1 but it was ,schubert1 ,schumann1 even ,mendelssohn he always hummed to4 ,of 8,ich grolle-nicht1 auch wenn das ,herz mir bricht10 he never tired4 ,the little child would dart up from the basement at the first sound of the fiddle1 show her old1 white face at the door1 then creep in1 sit in a corner1 and never take her eyes from 8the orchestra40 ,when it stopped playing1 she was off again in a second4 ,one item1 while speaking of the music1 stands out--chanting to the fiddle a certain passage from ,de ,quincey4 ,the 8,confessions0 fascinated him2 the description of the privations in ,london1 the scenes with ,anne when she first brought him out of her scanty money the reviving glass of port1 her abrupt disappearance finally and his pathetic faithful search1 the lonely hours in the empty house in ,greek ,street1 but particularly his prolonged fight against the drug4 ,it was the ,invocation to ,opium1 a passage of haunting beauty1 however1 he loved so much that he chanted it over and over to himself4 ,the first time he did this ,i invented a soft running accompaniment on the lower strings1 using double stopping4 ,the mute was on4 ,my voice added the bass4 ,it was a curious composition of which he never tired2 it moved him very deeply2 ,i have even seen tears trickling down his cheeks when it was over4 ,he always left his chair for this performance1 walking slowly to and fro while he chanted the rhythmical1 sonorous sentences3 8,o just1 subtle and mighty opium6 that1 to the hearts of rich and poor alike1 for the wounds that will never heal1 and for the pangs of grief that tempt the spirit to rebel1 bringest an assuaging balm2--eloquent opium6 that with thy potent rhetoric stealest away the purposes of wrath4444 ,thou buildest upon the bosom of darkness1 out of the fantastic imagery of the brain1 cities and temples1 beyond the art of ,phidias and ,praxiteles1 beyond the splendours of ,babylon and ,hekatompylos2 444 and hast the keys of ,paradise1 ,o just1 subtle and mighty opium44460 8,ach6 wie prachtvoll60 he would cry a moment later1 8wie wunderschoen60 and then would recite a translation he had made into his own tongue1 and a very fine one too4 ,quite delighted1 he would repeat the passage over and over again1 pausing to compare the two versions1 fixing me with his big eyes in order to increase his own pleasure in the music by witnessing the evidence of my own4 ,truly he was a ,jekyll and ,hyde4 ,it was only during the ,jekyll mood this kind of scene took place2 in the ,jekyll happy humour1 too1 that ,i had told him about my strange up-bringing4 8,now ,i understand better10 he said1 8why you are still so young and know so little of life1 and why you are so foolishly good to ,boyde0--which annoyed me1 because ,i considered myself now quite old and a thorough man of the world as well4 ,it was in this mood1 too1 that we discussed my own theories and beliefs 444 a life in the woods as well4 ,kay1 himself and his family1 ,boyde and ,i were to settle in the backwoods 444 perhaps ,i was as eloquent as ,i was earnest2 he listened attentively2 sometimes he seemed almost ready to consent2 he understood1 at any rate1 the deep spell that ,nature had for me4 ,but he only smiled when ,i said ,i was a failure and an outcast4 ,my life had hardly begun yet6 ,no man was a failure who had an object and worked for it1 even though he never got within miles of accomplishment4 8,a life for a man is a life among men10 he would say with emphasis4 8,the woods are all right as an interlude1 but not as a career40 ,he was very sympathetic1 but he shook his head violently4 8,in action lies a man's safety in life10 he growled at me4 8,the world needs men of action1 not dreamers10 he repeated and repeated1 8and ,buddhism has never yet produced a man of action4 ,do something1 even if it prove the wrong thing4 ,dreaming1 without action1 is the quickest way of self-corruption ,i know40 ,and he would then urge me again to become a doctor1 after which he would proceed to dream himself for an hour or two 444 showing that all his life he had been far more of a dreamer than a man of action4444 ,it was chance that suddenly led me into the doctor's secret4 ,he became for me1 from that moment1 the most pathetic and tragic of human beings4 ,my own troubles seemed insignificant4 ,one afternoon early in ,december1 gloomy1 very cold1 a studio appointment failed1 and ,i decided to go to the wooden house4 ,it was that or the public library1 but ,i wanted a talk1 ,i wanted also to get really warm4 ,i had no overcoat2 the doctor's room was always like an oven4 ,the vermin ,i had grown accustomed to and hardly noticed them4 ,an idea of food1 too1 was in my mind1 for the free lunch glass of beer and salt chip-potatoes was all ,i had eaten since breakfast4 ,seven o'clock1 however1 was my usual hour of visit1 ,i had never been in the afternoon before4 ,a memorable visit2 we were alone2 he told me his secret very quietly4 ,i found him in his most awful mood1 rude1 his nerves unbearably on edge4 ,he said he had not expected me1 but when ,i tried to go1 he became angry and begged me to stay1 saying that ,i helped him more than ,i could ever know4 ,had ,i brought the fiddle8 ,i said ,i would run up the street and get it4 8,no10 he implored1 8don't go now4 ,you can go later--before supper4 ,please do not leave me--please60 ,he then said he would tell me something no one else knew1 no one except his wife4 ,i wondered what was coming1 and felt strangely touched and moved at his treating me with such confidence4 ,his manner was so pathetic1 and he seemed suddenly to have become weak and helpless1 and somehow or other it was in my power to do him a service4 ,i was thrilled and full of expectation4 ,but1 before he began to tell me1 he went up to a little cabinet with a glass door and took out a small bottle full of a white powder1 bearing the word1 the magical word 8,majendie0--a word ,i can never forget as long as ,i live--and took some of the powder and made a solution and then sucked some of it up with a needle and turned to me4 ,his face was swollen and looked terrible1 for the eyes glowed so hotly1 and the skin was so red and white in patches4 ,then he began to open his waistcoat and shirt till his chest was bare4 8,look10 he said1 for ,i half moved aside1 and when ,i looked ,i saw he was covered with hundreds of small red sores4 ,evidently my face betrayed shrinking and horror1 for the old man laughed and said 8,oh1 ,i'm not a leper4 ,they're only blisters10 and then finding a little clear space on his skin1 put the needle of his syringe through the flesh and injected the fluid into his body4 ,he next quickly put his finger over the spot and rubbed to and fro for about a minute1 staring steadily at me while he did so4 8,that's morphine10 he said in a dead voice1 8and the rubbing is necessary to prevent a blister forming40 ,i knew nothing about morphine except the name1 and ,i was disappointed rather than thrilled1 but the next minute he gave me all the thrill ,i wanted1 and more besides3 8,i've been fighting it for two years10 he said quietly in ,german1 still rubbing the spot and staring hard at me1 8and ,i am slowly getting the better of it4 ,if ,i don't succeed1 it means ,i die40 ,a cold grim smile that made me shudder stole over his swollen face4 8,death10 he added4 ,i felt his despair1 the despair of doubt1 as he said this1 and in his eyes blazed suddenly all the suppressed depths of suffering and emotion that he usually kept hidden4 ,such a flood of sympathy for the old man rose in me that ,i did not know what to say4 ,of drugs and their power ,i knew nothing4 ,i stood and stared in silence1 but his voice and manner made me realize one thing3 that here was an awful battle1 a struggle between human courage1 will and endurance1 on the one hand1 and some tremendous power on the other--a struggle to the death4 ,the word 8morphine0 seemed to me some sort of demon4 ,he sat down in his armchair1 lit his pipe1 pulled up the operating chair for me to lie on beside him1 and then told me very quietly why he took it4 ,already his face looked different1 as the morphine circulated through the blood1 and he smiled and wore a genial happy air of benevolence that made him at once a different man4 8,i shall have peace now for several hours10 he said1 8but ,i don't take morphine for pleasure4 ,i take it because it is the only way to keep myself alive and to keep my wife and child from starving4 ,if ,i can gradually wean myself from it ,i shall live for years4 ,if not1 and ,i cannot make the dose less and less1 it will kill me very soon4 ,i am old1 you see40 ,he told me very simply1 but very graphically1 speaking in ,german as he loved to do1 that three years ago he had enjoyed a good and lucrative practice4 ,but he had embarked upon some experiments in his leg--,i never understood exactly what and did not dare to ask--and to observe these properly he was obliged to use the knife without taking any ansthetic4 ,his wife stood beside him and staunched the blood1 but the pain and shock proved more than he was equal to1 being an old man1 and a collapse followed4 ,all his patients left him1 for he could not attend to them1 and in order to be in a fit condition to see even chance callers he had to inject morphine4 ,thus the habit began1 and before he knew where he was the thing had him by the throat4 ,he was a man of great natural strength of will and he began to stop it1 but the fight was far harder than he had imagined1 and his nerves seemed to have gone to pieces4 ,unless he had the support of a dose1 he was so brutal1 irritable and rude that no one could stay in his presence1 and no patient would come near him4 ,he never got his practice back again1 and whenever a stray patient called now he had to take an injection1 or he would be sure to behave in such a way that the man or woman would never return4 ,he used atropine to mix with his morphine1 and thus tried gradually to cure himself1 and lately had succeeded in reducing the quantity very considerably1 but it was an awful fight1 and he admitted the end was uncertain4 ,he said ,i helped him to bear the strain4 ,my presence1 he said1 the music too1 gave him some sort of comfort and strength1 and he was always glad to see me4 ,when ,i was there he could hold out longer than when he was alone1 and one reason he was telling me all this intimate history--telling it to a comparative stranger--was because he wished me to try and help him more4 ,i stammered some words in broken ,german about being eager and willing to help1 and he smiled and said he thanked me and 8we would make the fight together40 8,the charm is very powerful10 he went on1 8especially to a nature like mine1 for when ,i take this stuff the world becomes full of wonder and mystery again1 just as it was for me sixty years ago when ,i was a boy with burning hopes and high dreams4 ,but far more than that1 ,i believe in people again4 ,that makes more difference in your life than anything else1 for to lose faith in men makes life unbearable4 ,bitter experiences have shaken my trust and belief in my fellow creatures4 ,but with this stuff in me ,i find it again and feel at peace with the world40 8,that is why you sometimes approve and at other times disapprove of my attitude towards ,boyde80 8,yes10 he said1 with a most benign and delightful expression in his eyes4 8,give him every chance4 ,there's lots of good in him4 ,he feels1 no doubt1 that everyone who knows about him distrusts him4 ,weak men will always try more or less to live up to what is expected of them1 for they are easily hypnotised4 ,if they feel every one expects only evil from them their chief incentive is lost40 8,then ,i ought never to let him think ,i've lost belief in him80 8,never4 ,frighten him1 kick him1 urge him along with violence1 anything to make him move of himself towards being decent2 but never suggest he cannot be1 and is not1 decent and straight40 ,how we talked that night--and how ,i suffered from hunger1 for when morphine was in him the old doctor ate little1 and this time he was full of ideas and ideals1 and had so sympathetic a listener1 that he forgot ,i might want food1 and it was not till after one in the morning that he began to flag and thought of coffee4 ,we went down into the kitchen1 and there we found the patient wife dozing on the wooden chair1 and the child reading a book--8,undine0--on the deal table1 with her eyes so bright ,i thought they were going to shoot out flame4 ,she looked up and stared at us for a long time before she got herself back from that enchanted region of woods and pools and moonlight4444 ,strange supper parties they were1 in that quiet1 basement-kitchen between one and two of the winter mornings of ,december1 #ahib4444 ,otto ,huebner1 having broken the ice1 told me much of his own life then4 ,owing to family disputes he left the manufacturing town in ,northern ,germany where he was born and brought up1 and came to ,new ,york as a young man4 ,he never saw his parents again1 and took out naturalization papers at once4 ,for years he was employed by ,steinway's piano factory1 as a common workman at first1 then as a skilled man4 ,he was unmarried1 he saved money1 he began to study at night2 the passion for medicine was so strong in him that he made up his mind to become a doctor4 ,he attended lectures when he could4 ,it was a life of slavery1 of incessant toil both day and night4 ,he was over forty when he began studying for the examinations1 and it took him seven years to attain his end4 ,his health had suffered during this strenuous time4 ,he had married well after fifty4444 ,dear1 lovable1 much-to-be-pitied old man1 my heart went out to him2 ,i was determined to do everything ,i could to help4 ,i owed him much for counsel1 sympathy and kindness1 to say nothing of medical attendance and food besides1 at a time1 too1 when ,i believed myself a complete failure and thought my life was ruined4 ,england1 my family1 all that ,i had been accustomed to seemed utterly remote2 ,i had cut myself off2 ,i had tumbled into quite another world1 and the only friend ,i had1 the only being ,i trusted1 even loved as well1 was the old ,german morphine victim4 ,meanwhile1 it had been very wonderful to me to see an irritable1 savage old man change in a few minutes into a kindly1 genial1 tender-hearted being1 and ,i began to feel an absorbing curiosity about this fine white powder labelled 8,majendie40 ,i invariably now rubbed in the dose1 finding with increasing difficulty a clear space of skin in the poor worn old body4 ,i watched the change steal over him4 ,it seemed to me pure magic4 ,it began more and more to fascinate me4 ,,chapter ,,xxi ,a few days after the doctor's secret had been laid bare ,i received a brief1 curt letter from ,mc,cloy to say he could not keep my place open for ever2 how soon was ,i coming back8 ,six weeks had passed already4 ,the doctor convinced me ,i was not yet in a condition to face ten hours' hard reporting a day4 ,i answered ,mc,cloy as best ,i could1 thanking him1 and telling the facts4 ,dr4 ,huebner also wrote him a line4 ,i was distressed and anxious1 none the less1 and that evening ,i was certainly not at my best4 ,i gave the old man but little help4 ,his method of using me was simple3 if ,i could manage to interest him1 by talk1 by music1 by books1 by anything at all1 it enabled him to postpone the hour of injection4 ,each time we tried to make this interval longer2 each time1 he told me1 he took a smaller quantity4 ,on this particular evening1 hungry and depressed as ,i was1 ,i failed to be 8interesting10 and no forced attempt could make me so4 ,my own condition1 in any case1 was pretty low2 my friend's dejection and excessive irritability proved the last straw4 ,we disagreed1 we hurt each other's feelings a little1 ,i relapsed into silence finally1 the gloom was dreadful4 ,my own troubles just then were uppermost in my mind4 ,if ,i lost my job1 ,i kept thinking1 what on earth would happen to me8444 ,the old man presently1 and long before his time1 got up in silence and went to the glass cabinet where now the ,majendie bottle stood4 ,he no longer kept it in his workshop out of sight4 ,his face was black as thunder4 ,conscience pricked me2 ,i roused myself1 saying something by way of trying to prevent1 whereupon he turned and said savagely3 8,do you want to see me die8 ,or lose my reason80 ,as already mentioned1 ,i was totally ignorant of drugs and their effect4 ,his words1 which ,i took literally1 frightened me4 ,i watched him mix the solution1 fill his syringe slowly with shaking hands1 then unfasten his clothes4 ,i found the place and rubbed the skin as usual1 while he sat back in his big chair1 in sullen silence4 ,he drew the needle out2 his face was awful2 he sighed and groaned2 ,i really thought he was going to collapse before my eyes1 perhaps to die4 ,i rubbed and rubbed 444 while the magical change stole slowly over him4 ,his face cleared1 his smile came back1 he looked younger1 his very voice became mellow instead of harsh and rough1 his eyes lit up with happiness4 ,the contrast was astonishing1 the effect so rapid4 ,and1 for the first time1 a longing rose in me3 if only ,i could have some of this bewitching panacea6 ,my troubles would all melt away4 ,i should feel happy4 ,hunger also would disappear4 ,was it so terrible and dangerous after all8 ,the thought went through me like a burning flame4 ,it was a thought1 merely4 ,i had no intention of asking1 not even of suggesting1 such a thing4 ,i would not have dared to2 the old man1 ,i knew1 besides1 would never1 never consent2 his obstinacy was beyond any power of mine to modify4 ,none the less1 the thought and desire were distinctly in me at that moment4 ,it even crossed my mind that he was selfish1 inconsiderate1 unkind1 not to realize that a little1 oh1 just a tiny dose1 would help me and make me happy too4 ,the change in him was now complete1 he settled back in his deep chair4 ,i heard him asking for the fiddle4 ,i remember the effort it cost me to say something about being ready to try1 and how ,i concealed my sulky face as ,i crossed the room to open my case4 ,i felt disappointed1 rather sore1 a trifle angry too2 he could so easily open the gates of heaven for me4 ,i fumbled with the case1 delaying on purpose1 for no music lay in me1 and ,i did not want to play1 ,i felt miserable all over4 ,my back was turned to him4 ,and then ,i heard my name softly spoken close behind me4 ,i turned with a start1 it was the doctor's voice1 its peculiar softness struck me4 ,he was coming slowly across the room1 a curious smile on his face1 peering at me over the top of his spectacles1 the shoulders bent forward a little1 his gait slouching1 his slippers dragging along the carpet1 his white hair tumbling about his forehead1 moving slowly at me--and in his raised right hand was a needle poised to strike4 ,i knew what it meant3 he was going to give me morphia without even being asked4 ,a queer revulsion of feeling came over me4 ,he was saying something1 but ,i did not hear the words properly1 nor understand them1 at any rate2 his voice1 too1 was so low and soft4 ,my brain was in a whirl4 ,something in the old man's appearance frightened me4 ,the idea of the drug now also frightened me4 ,then1 suddenly1 a complete recklessness rushed over me4 8,take off your coat10 ,i heard him say4 8,and now roll your sleeve up4 ,so6 ,nun1 jetzt0--he gazed hard into my eyes--8aber--nur--ausnahmsweise60 ,with slow earnest emphasis he repeated the words3 8,as an exception--only60 ,i watched him choose the place on my arm1 ,i watched the needle go in with its little prick1 ,i watched him slowly press the small piston that injected the poison into my blood4 ,he1 for his part1 never once moved his eyes from mine till the operation was ended1 and my coat was on again4 ,he wore that curious smile the whole time4 8,you needed it to-night10 he said1 8just a little1 a very weak dose--aber--nur--ausnahmsweise60 ,he walked over and put the little ,majendie phial back upon the shelf4 ,then he filled his pipe and drew up the operating chair for me to lie on4 ,his eye was constantly on me4 ,the music was forgotten4 ,he wanted to talk4 ,whether he had done this thing really to give me a little happiness1 or whether his idea was to make me 8interesting0 for his own sake1 ,i do not know4 ,the fact is that within three minutes of the needle's prick ,i was in a state of absolute bliss4 ,a little warm sensation1 accompanied by the faintest possible suggestion of nausea which was probably my own imagination1 passed up the spine into the head4 ,something cleared in my brain1 then burst4 ,a sense of thawing followed1 the melting away of all the things that had been making me unhappy4 ,i began to glow all over4 ,hope1 happiness and a gorgeous confidence flowed in2 benevolence1 enthusiasm1 charity flooded me to the brim4 ,i wanted to forgive ,boyde everything to the end of time1 sacrifice my entire life to cure my old ,german friend2 everything base1 unworthy1 sordid in me1 it seemed1 had dropped away4444 ,the experience is too well-known to bear another description2 it varies1 of course1 with individuals2 varies1 too1 according to the state of health or sickness1 according to whether it is needed or not really needed2 and while some feel what ,i felt1 others merely sleep1 or1 on the contrary1 cannot sleep at all4 ,the strength of the dose1 naturally1 is also an important item4 ,individual reactions1 anyhow1 are very different1 and with ,kay1 to whom later the doctor gave it too1 three doses produced no effect whatever1 while the fourth brought on the cumulative result of all four at once1 so that we had to walk him up and down1 pouring strong black coffee down his unwilling throat1 urging him violently not to sleep--the only thing he wanted to do--or he would1 old ,huebner assured him--never wake again4444 ,in my case1 at any rate1 wasted physically as ,i was1 empty of food1 under-nourished for many weeks1 below par being a mild description of my body1 the result seemed a radiance that touched ecstasy4 ,it was1 of course1 an intensification of consciousness4 ,such intensification1 ,i well knew1 could be produced by better if more difficult ways1 ways that caused no reaction1 ways that constructed instead of destroyed 444 and the first pleasure ,i derived from my experience1 the interest that first stirred flashingly and at once through my cleared mind1 was the absolute conviction that the teaching and theories in my books were true4444 ,the doctor sat1 smiling at me from his chair4 8,i would not do this for many10 he said in ,german1 8but for you it has no danger4 ,you could stop anything4 ,you have real will40 ,after a pause he added3 8,now we are happy2 we are both happy4 ,let us dream without thinking4 ,let us realize our happiness64440 ,the hours passed while we talked1 and my hunger was forgotten4 ,i only wanted one thing to complete my happiness--,i wanted ,kay1 ,i wanted ,boyde1 and ,i wanted one figure from across the sea1 my brother4 ,had these three come to join the circle in that dingy consulting-room1 my heaven1 it seemed to me1 would have been made perfect4444 ,the passing of time was not marked4 ,i played the fiddle1 and we chanted the old man's favourite passage3 8,o just1 subtle and mighty opium60 444 its full meaning1 with the appeal it held1 now all explained to me at last4 ,as ,i laid the instrument down1 ,i saw the white face of the little girl just inside the half-opened door4 ,she caught my eye1 ran up to me1 and climbed upon my knee4 8,oh1 ,uncle ,diedel10 she cried1 8how big your eyes are6 ,i do believe ,otto has given you some of his ,majendie medicine4 ,are you going to die1 too1 unless you have it80 ,nothing1 it seemed1 was hidden from the clear vision that lay in me then2 the appalling truth flashed into me on the instant4 ,the little1 stunted figure1 the old expression in the pallid child-face1 the whiteness of the skin1 the brilliant eyes1 all were due to the same one thing4 ,did the doctor1 her own father1 give her the needle too8 ,it was on this occasion1 this night of my first experience with morphine1 that ,i found my letters with the stamps torn off4 ,i reached home1 as described1 about two in the morning1 still in a state of bliss1 although the effect of the drug was waning a little then4 ,but there was happiness1 affection1 forgiveness and charity in my heart1 ,i thought4 ,this describes my feelings of the moment certainly4 ,how they were swept away has been already told4 ,so much for the pseudo-exaltation of the drug6 ,and1 while on this subject1 the part played by the drug in this particular little scrap of history may as well be told briefly at once and done with4 ,the suggestion that ,i could 8stop anything10 combined with my own desire1 was potent4 ,there was another way in which the insidious poisoning also worked3 ,i became so 8interesting10 and entertained the old doctor so successfully1 that he found himself able to do without his own dose4 ,the stern injunction 8nur ausnahmsweise0 was forgotten4 ,without the stuff in my blood ,i was gloomy1 stupid1 dull2 with it1 ,i became alive and helped him4 ,but the headache and depression1 the nausea1 the black ultimate dejection of the 8day after0 could be removed by one thing only4 ,nothing else had the slightest effect1 and only another dose could banish these after-effects--a stronger dose4 ,while the old man was soon able to reduce not only the quantity he took1 but the number of injections as well1 my own dose1 to produce the desired effect1 had to be doubled4 ,every night for four weeks that needle pricked me4 ,in my next incarnation--if it takes place--,i shall still see the ,german doctor slouching across the room at me with the loaded syringe in his poised hand1 and the strange look in his eyes4 ,it seems an ineradicable memory4444 ,by the end of the four weeks1 ,i was working again on the newspaper2 my visits to the wooden house ,i cut down to two a week1 then one a week4 ,it was a poignant business4 ,he needed me4 ,desire for the 8balm that assuaged10 desire to help the friend who was slowly dying1 desire to save myself from obvious destruction1 these tugged and tore me different ways4 ,for the full story ,i should have to write another book4444 ,three things saved me1 ,i think--in the order of their value3 my books and beliefs2 ,nature--my ,sundays in ,bronx ,park or the woods of the ,palisades in ,new ,jersey2 and1 lastly1 the power of the doctor's own suggestion1 8you could stop anything60444 ,when ,may came1 with her wonder and her magic1 ,i was free again1 so free that ,i could play the fiddle and talk to the old man by the hour1 and feel even no desire for the drug4 ,nor has the desire ever returned to me from that day to this4 ,an experiment with haschisch1 a good deal later1 an account of which ,i wrote for my paper at the time1 had no 8desire0 in it4 ,foolish and dangerous though the experiment was1 of course1 the cannabis indica was not taken for indulgence1 nor to bring a false temporary happiness into a life ,i loathed4 ,i did it to earn a little extra money2 ,kay did it with me2 three times in all we took it4 ,some of the effects ,i tried to describe years later in the first story of a book1 8,john ,silence40 ,my decision1 with the steps ,i had taken1 to arrest ,boyde1 ,i told to the doctor on the afternoon following the discovery of his treachery with my letters4 ,he approved4 ,this time even his ,jekyll personality approved4 8,you'll never catch him though10 he growled4 8,he's too clever for you4 ,he'll hear about the warrant and be out of the ,state in a day1 if not out of the country4 ,in ,canada they can't touch him4 ,besides1 the police won't stir a finger4 ,oh1 you'll never catch him40 ,i felt otherwise1 however1 ,i meant to catch him1 while at the same time ,i did not want to4 ,the horrible man-hunt began that very night4 ,,chapter ,,xxii ,the search for ,boyde was a prolonged nightmare3 used several times already1 this phrase alone describes it4 ,it lasted over a fortnight4 ,every night1 from nine o'clock till two1 or even later in the morning1 it continued4 ,the old doctor almost invariably came with me4 ,it was mid-winter and bitter cold1 ,i still had no overcoat1 a thin summer vest being my only underwear4 ,the disreputable haunts we searched were heated to at least #gj ,f41 whereas the street air was commonly not far from zero1 with biting winds or icy moisture that cut like a knife4 ,it must have been the drug that saved me from pneumonia1 for ,i was in and out of a dozen haunts each night4444 ,i was a prey to contrary and alternating emotions--the desire to let the fellow go free1 the conviction that it was my duty to save him from himself1 to save others from him as well4 ,the distress1 unhappiness and doubt ,i experienced made that prolonged man-hunt indeed a nightmare4 ,plans were laid with care and knowledge4 ,boyde1 we argued1 had money1 or he would have returned to ,east #aith ,street4 ,had he enough to bribe the police1 or to go to ,canada8 ,we decided that his contempt for me would outweigh any fear he felt that ,i might take action4 ,the 8,night ,owls0 were now away on tour2 he would hardly go after ,pauline ,m----4 ,we concluded he was 8doing the town10 as it was called1 and was not very far from ,east #aith ,street4 ,with his outstanding figure and appearance1 it ought not to be difficult to find some trace of him in the disreputable places4 ,the 8,tenderloin0--a region about ,broadway and #cjth ,street1 so packed with illegal 8joints0 that their tribute to the police was the richest and juiciest of the whole city--was sure to be his hunting ground4 ,to the ,tenderloin haunts1 accordingly1 we went that first night of the chase4 ,as a reporter ,i knew the various places well already1 and felt quite equal to making my search alone1 but the doctor1 though in no condition to traipse about the icy street after dark1 insisted on accompanying me4 ,nothing ,i said could prevent him coming4 ,truth to tell1 ,i was not sorry to have him with me--in some of the saloons2 besides which ,i had no money1 and something--lager beer cost only five cents a glass--had to be ordered in each place4 ,we hurried from one saloon to another1 looking in at various gambling hells1 opium joints1 dancing places and music-halls of the poorer kind where men and women met on easy terms1 and we stayed at each one just long enough to make inquiries1 and to benefit by the warmth and comfort1 without being pestered by the habitual frequenters4 ,i had in my possession a small photograph of ,boyde2 it was on tin1 showing the head and shoulders2 it had been taken one day earlier in our acquaintance when we went together to a ,dime ,museum in #adth ,street4 ,it now proved very useful4 ,it showed his full face1 big eyes1 drooping moustaches and eyeglass4 ,the absence of the moustache altered him a great deal1 but the eyeglass and the six feet two inches in height counterbalanced this4 ,at every 8joint0 ,i produced this photograph1 asking the attendants1 bar-tenders1 and any women ,i judged to be frequenters of the place1 whether they had seen the original recently1 or anyone like him4 ,some laughed and said they had1 others said the opposite1 but the majority refused to say anything1 showed insolently their suspicion of me and my purpose1 and1 more than once1 made it advisable for us to get out before we were put out4 ,at such places customers are chary about information of each other4 ,among the women1 however1 were some who knew clearly who it was we 8wanted10 though saying nothing useful1 and soon the doctor decided it was a mistake to show the photograph too much1 for ,boyde would be warned by these women1 while many1 fearful that they themselves were 8wanted10 would merely lie in self protection1 and set us upon false trails4 ,any woman who had not paid her weekly blackmail money to the ward man was in danger1 and few1 to judge by their appearance1 were not involved in robbery1 knock-out drops1 or the ubiquitous 8badger-game40 ,yet these1 ,i knew1 were the places ,boyde would feel at home in4 ,my being a newspaper man proved of value to us more than once1 at any rate4 ,my thoughts1 as we sat in a curtained corner of some 8hell10 whose overheated atmosphere of smoke1 scent1 alcohol and dope was thick enough to cut with a knife1 watching1 waiting1 listening1 must be imagined4 ,i watched every arrival4 ,the tension on nerves already overstrained was almost unbearable4 ,a habit of the doctor's intensified this strain4 ,he did not1 ,i think1 remember ,boyde very well1 and was constantly imagining that he saw him4 ,the street door would open2 he would nudge me and whisper 8,sehen ,sie1 da kommt der ,kerl nun endlich44460 ,he pointed1 my heart leapt into my mouth2 nothing could induce me to arrest him1 it seemed1 and my relief on seeing it was a stranger was always genuine--at the moment4 ,one night--or early morning1 rather--the doctor1 who had been silent for a long time1 turned to me with a grey1 exhausted face4 ,the morphine was beginning to fail him1 and he must inject another dose4 ,this happened several times4444 ,behind a curtain1 or in a place aside where we were not even alone1 he opened his clothes1 found a clear space of skin1 and applied the needle1 while ,i rubbed the spot with my finger for about a minute to prevent a blister forming4 ,no one1 except perhaps a very drunken man or woman occasionally1 paid the smallest attention to the operation2 to them it was evidently a familiar and commonplace occurrence4444 8,you must not stay up any longer10 he would say another time1 after a sudden examination of my face4 8,you look dreadful4 ,come1 we will go home40 ,i was only too glad to be marched off4 ,we paced the icy streets arm in arm1 numerous people still about on various errands1 tramcars and elevated trains still roaring1 saloons and joints blazing with light1 wide open till dawn1 while the old man1 rejuvenated and stimulated by the drug1 discoursed eloquently the whole way1 ,i dragging by his side1 silent1 depressed1 weary with pains that seemed more poignant then than hunger or mere physical fatigue4 ,the next night it would be the same1 and the one after that1 and the next one after that too--the search continued4 ,it wore me down4 ,i saw the eyeglass staring furtively at me from behind every corner1 even in the day-time4 ,his footstep sounded behind me often4 ,at night ,i locked my door1 for fear he might steal back into the room4444 ,once or twice ,i reported to headquarters that ,i was on the trail1 but the detective had lost interest in the case2 a conviction was doubtful1 anyhow2 he was not 8going to sit around catching flies02 only the fact that ,i was a reporter on the ,sun made him pause4 8,telephone when you get him10 he said1 8and ,i'll come up and do the rest40 ,much fresh information about ,boyde had also come my way2 he had even stolen the vases from a ,church communion table--though he denied this in his confession later--and pawned them4 ,in every direction1 and this he did not deny1 he had borrowed money in my name1 giving me the worst possible character while doing so4 ,probably indeed1 ,i never lived down all he said about me4444 ,it was a bitter1 and apparently1 an endless search4 ,from the ,west ,side joints1 we visited the ,east ,side haunts of vice and dissipation4 ,i now knew ,boyde too well to think he would 8fly high02 his tastes were of the lowest4 ,the ache it all gave me ,i can never describe4444 ,we went from place to place as hour after hour passed4 ,we found his trail1 and each time we found it my heart failed me4 ,a woman1 gorgeously painted1 showing her silk stockings above the knee1 her atmosphere reeking of bad scent and drink1 came sidling up1 murmuring this and that4444 ,the ,doctor's eye was on me1 though he said no word1 made no single gesture4444 ,the tin-type photograph was produced4444 8,yep1 ,i seen dat fellar10 grinned the woman in her 8tough0 bowery talk they all affected in the ,tenderloin4 8,a high flier 444 raining in ,london1 too0--a gibe at the 8,english0 habit of turning up one's trousers--with a stream of local slang1 oaths1 filthy hints and repeated demands to 8put 'em up10 meaning drinks4 ,then a whispered growl from the old ,german 8,nichts6 444 sie luegt 444 los mit ihr60 ,a further stream of lurid insults 444 and she was gone1 while another sidled up a little later4 ,they all knew ,german1 these women4 ,was not ,new ,york the third biggest ,german city1 qua population1 in the ,empire8 ,few1 as a matter of fact1 were ,american4 ,barring the mulattos and quadroon girls1 to say nothing of the negresses1 the majority were ,french1 ,hungarian1 ,spanish1 ,italian1 ,dutch or some polyglot mixture not even the ,british ,museum could define4444 ,never did the old ,german's kindness prove itself as in these hideous night-watches4 ,apart from all questions of trouble and expense1 he was obliged to take extra doses of morphine to meet the charge upon his system1 at a time1 too1 when he was struggling to reduce the quantity4 ,compared to what he did1 even the fact that he gave the poison to others1 possibly to his own child among them1 seemed negligible4 ,not only did he accompany me during the chase1 spending hours in low1 suffocating dens of beastliness1 walking the wind-swept streets in mid-winter1 suffering insults and acute discomfort1 but also he bestowed practical care and kindness on me during the day1 providing me with food 7,i was in no state even to pose in the studios at the time71 and even suggesting that ,i should fit up a bed in his workshop where he kept the lathe and made the chessmen4 ,all this1 too1 from an old man1 himself in deep misery1 and on the losing side of a fight far more terrible than ,i ever knew or imagined1 a fight1 he then realized already1 was to end before very long in failure1 which meant death4 ,the strange1 broken old being1 twisted and distorted though his nervous system was by a drug1 showed--to me1 at any rate--that rare thing which experience of life proves greater than intellect1 than success1 than power1 or brilliance may achieve--a heart4 ,if reincarnation1 with its karmic law1 be true1 either he owed me a heavy debt from some forgotten past1 or ,i owe to him a debt some future life will enable1 and enforce me1 to repay4 ,it was at the end of the first ten days that1 quite by chance1 we stumbled upon the trail of ,boyde4 ,he had been seen in a 8swell dive0 on the ,west ,side--with a woman4 ,he was spending money like water4 ,how had he come by it8 ,whom had he swindled now8 ,we were in the ,east ,side1 following a false clue1 when this information was given to us--under conditions impossible to describe--and we hurried across to the neighbourhood indicated4 ,an hour later we were only a short thirty minutes behind his glittering path4 ,he was visiting expensive joints4 ,champagne flowed4 ,the woman wore furs4 ,he wore a light coloured box-cloth overcoat4 ,both were 8high fliers40 ,and he was drinking hard4 ,the information1 ,i confess1 had the effect of stiffening me4 ,it was impossible not to wonder1 as we sat in the cross-town tram of ,east #bcrd ,street1 whether in his gay career he gave a single thought to the room in ,east #aith ,street1 where he shared my bed1 wore my suit1 ate my food1 such as it was1 and where he had left me ill1 alone and starving4 ,the old doctor was grim and silent1 but a repressed fury1 ,i could see1 bit into him4 ,was there1 perhaps1 vengeance1 in the old1 crumpled man8 8,no weakness1 remember10 he growled from time to time4 8,i hold him1 while you telephone to ,mulberry ,street4 ,pflicht1 pflicht6 ,it is your duty to--to everybody44460 ,the trail led us to ,mouquin's1 where he had undoubtedly been shortly before1 then on to a place in #cdth ,street 444 and there we lost it hopelessly4 ,it was not a false alarm1 but the trail ran up a tree and vanished4 ,he had gone home with the woman1 but who she was or where she lived1 not even the ward man--whom ,i knew by chance1 and1 equally by chance1 met at the door--could tell us4 ,i telephoned to headquarters to warn ,detective ,lawler to be in readiness4 ,lawler was out on a 8big story0 elsewhere1 but another man would come up with the warrant the moment ,i sent word4 ,i had1 however1 no occasion to telephone again that night1 nor even the next night1 though we must evidently have been within an ace of catching him4 ,it was like searching for a needle in a haystack1 or for a rabbit in a warren4 ,the neighbourhood1 this joint in particular1 was alive with similar characters2 all the women wore furs2 all the men were tall1 many of them had 8glass-eyes10 the majority seemed ,english with 8their trousers turned up40 ,we sat for hours in one den after another1 but we caught no further indication of the trail4 ,it had vanished into thin air4 ,and after these two exciting and exhausting nights1 the old doctor collapsed2 he could do no more2 he told me he felt unequal to the strain and could not accompany me even one more time4 ,the old man was done4 ,the day after the search stopped temporarily1 ,kay arrived in the city1 to my great delight4 ,it was a keen relief to have him back4 ,the tour had been a failure1 and the company had become stranded in ,port ,hope1 ,ontario4 ,salaries were never paid2 he had received hotel board1 railway ticket1 laundry1 but rarely any cash4 ,what luggage he possessed was in the ,port ,hope hotel1 held in lieu of payment4 ,it remained there4 ,we talked things over1 and the news about ,boyde1 heard now for the first time in detail1 shocked him4 ,there was no doubt or hesitation in ,kay's mind4 8,of course you must arrest him2 we'll go out to-night and look40 ,we did so1 but with no result4 ,kay had the remains of a borrowed #aj1 we dined at ,krisch's2 he had cigarettes1 too4444 ,we passed a happy evening1 coming home early from the chase4 ,like myself1 he had no overcoat1 but the money did not reach to getting it from ,ikey where ,boyde had pawned it4 ,we sat indoors1 and talked4444 ,only a short three months before we had sat talking round a camp-fire on our island4 ,it seemed incredible4 ,we discussed my plan for settling in the woods1 to which he was very favourably inclined4 ,meanwhile1 he explained1 his ,company was preparing another tour with better plays and better cast4 ,they hoped to start out after ,christmas1 now only a week away4 ,the word 8,christmas0 made us laugh4 ,i still had the ,christmas menu of our ,hub dinner1 and we pinned it upon the wall4 ,it might suggest something to the long-suffering ,mrs4 ,bernstein1 ,kay thought4 ,but instead we ate our oatmeal and dried apples4444 ,,chapter ,,xxiii ,it was on the ,tuesday before ,christmas that ,i caught ,boyde2 the day also before the ,white ,star steamers sailed4 ,the cold was ,arctic1 a biting east wind swept the streets4 ,there was no sun4 ,if ever there was a ,black ,tuesday for me it was that #ahth of ,december1 #ahib4 ,towards evening1 the doctor1 ,i knew1 would expect me as usual2 there was nothing to prevent my going2 and yet each time the thought cropped up automatically in my mind ,i was aware of a vague1 indeterminate feeling that somehow or other ,i should not go4 ,this dim feeling also was automatic4 ,there was nothing ,i knew of to induce1 much less to support it4 ,i did not mention it to ,kay4 ,i could not understand whence it came nor what caused it1 but it did not leave me1 it kept tugging at my nerves4 8,you're not going to the doctor's to-night10 it said1 8you're going elsewhere40 ,after dark this odd feeling became more and more insistent1 and then all at once it connected itself with ,boyde4 ,quite suddenly this happened4 ,i had not been thinking of ,boyde at the moment2 now1 abruptly1 up cropped his name and personality4 ,i was to go out and catch him4 ,my mind resisted this idea4 ,several things1 besides1 were against it4 ,in the first place1 we had voluntarily given up the hunt and ,i was resigned to his escape2 secondly and thirdly1 ,i dreaded being out in the bitter cold1 and ,i badly needed the 8assuaging balm0 of old ,huebner's needle4 ,if the first two were negative inhibitions1 the third was decidedly positive4 ,all three had to be conquered if ,i was to obey the strange prompting which whispered1 and kept on whispering3 8,go out and look4 ,you'll find him40 ,there was1 in addition1 the usual minor conflict to which ,i had grown quite accustomed1 the conflict between my desire to be relieved of an unpleasant 8duty10 yet the conviction that it was a duty ,i had no right to shirk4 ,in spite of my resistance1 at any rate1 the prompting strengthened2 as night fell ,i grew more and more restless and uneasy2 until at last the touch of inevitability that lay behind it all declared itself--and the breaking point was reached4 ,i could resist no longer2 it was impossible to contain myself4 ,i sprang out of my chair and told ,kay ,i was going out to catch ,boyde4 8,don't go10 he said4 8,waste of time4 ,he's skipped long ago--been warned40 ,he muttered something more about the intense cold4 8,you'll kill yourself40 ,but the impulsion ,i felt was irresistible4 ,it was as though some inner power drove and guided me4 ,as a matter of fact1 ,i went straight to the exact spot where1 among the teeming millions of the great city1 ,boyde was4 ,fifteen minutes earlier or later1 ,i should have missed him4 ,also1 but for a chance hesitation later--lasting sixty seconds at most--he would have seen me and escaped4 ,the calculation1 whether due to intelligence or to coincidence1 was amazingly precise4 ,i left our room at nine o'clock2 at a quarter to ten ,i stood face to face with ,boyde4 ,the wind was driving a fine dry dust of snow before it1 and all who could remained indoors4 ,the streets were deserted2 despite the nearness of ,christmas1 signs of bustle and the usual holiday crowd were absent4 ,i walked very quickly to keep warm1 an odd subconscious excitement in me4 ,i seemed to know exactly where ,i was going1 though1 had anybody asked me1 ,i could not have told them4 ,up #dth ,avenue to #bcrd ,street1 then west across ,broadway1 ,i passed #fth and #gth ,avenues1 with only one pause of a moment4 ,at the corner of #gth ,avenue ,i hesitated1 uncertain whether to turn north1 or to continue west towards #hth ,avenue4 ,a policeman was standing outside a saloon side-door1 a man ,i had known in the ,tombs police court2 an ,irishman1 of course4 ,i recognized him1 ,he was friendly to me because ,i had used his name in a story2 he remembered me now4 ,i produced the tin-type photograph4 ,he inspected it under the nearest electric light4 8,yep10 he said1 8,i seen that feller only a few minutes back--half an hour maybe--only he's lifted his mustache40 8,shaved his moustache--yes80 8,that's what ,i said10 as he handed back the tin-type4 8,got a story80 he inquired the same instant4 8,anything big doing80 8,which way did he go80 8,up-town10 said the policeman1 jerking his thumb in the direction north4 8,up #hth ,avenoo4 ,and he was travellin' with a partner1 a big feller1 same size as yerself1 ,i guess40 ,he moved off to show he had no more to say4 ,any story that might result would be out of his beat4 ,there was nothing in it for him4 ,his interest vanished4 ,i hurried on to the corner of #hth ,avenue1 the edge of a bad neighbourhood leading down through the negro quarter towards the haunts of the river-front1 and there ,i paused again for a second or two4 ,i was still in #bcrd ,street1 but ,i now turned up the ,avenue4 ,it was practically deserted1 the street cars empty1 few people on the pavements4 ,the side-streets crossed it at right angles1 poorly lit1 running right and left into a world of shadows1 but at almost every corner stood a brilliant saloon whose windows and glass doors poured out great shafts of light4 ,sometimes there were four saloons1 one at each corner1 and the blaze was dazzling4 ,i passed #bdth1 #beth1 #bfth and #bgth streets4 ,there were little flurries of dry snow2 ,i saw no one1 nothing but empty silent sidewalks swept by the icy wind4 ,at #bhth ,street there were four saloons1 one at each corner1 and the blaze of light had a warm1 enticing look4 ,through the blurred windows of the one nearest to me1 the heads of the packed crowd inside as they lined up to the bar were just visible1 and while ,i stood a moment1 shivering in the icy wind1 the comforting idea of a hot whisky came to me4 ,for the wind cut like glass and neither my excitement nor the exercise had warmed me4 ,i hesitated1 standing against a huge electric light pole1 in whose black shadow ,i was quite invisible4 ,a hot whisky1 ,i reflected1 in this neighbourhood would cost #bj or #be cents2 ,i had #cj cents in my pocket2 ,i needed the stimulant2 ,i was very weak2 ,i felt cold to the bone4 ,but #be cents was a lot of money1 ,i might want a car-fare home besides 444 and ,i was still hesitating when two tall figures emerged suddenly out of the dark side-street into the flood of light1 swung sharp round the corner1 and passed through the glass doors into the saloon4 ,the figures were two men1 and the first of them was ,boyde4 ,for a second my heart seemed to stop1 then began immediately racing and beating violently4 ,in that brilliant light ,i saw every detail sharply1 ,boyde and his companion1 both mercilessly visible4 ,the man ,i wanted wore a big horsy overcoat of light-coloured box-cloth with large white buttons1 the velvet collar turned up about his ears4 ,the other man ,i did not know2 he was taller than ,boyde and wore no overcoat2 he was the 8partner travellin' with him0 mentioned by the policeman4 ,his gait was unsteady1 he reeled a little4 ,the clamour of noisy voices blared out a moment into the street before the doors swung to again1 and ,i stood quite still for an appreciable time1 blotted out of sight in my black shadow4 ,had ,i not hesitated a moment to reflect about that hot whisky ,i should have passed1 my figure full in the blaze1 just in front of the two men1 who would have waited in the dark side-street till ,i was safely out of sight4 ,the state of my nerves1 ,i suppose1 was pretty bad1 and the lack of my customary evening dose accentuated it4 ,i know1 anyhow1 that at first ,i realized one thing only--that ,i could never have the heart to arrest the fellow4 ,this quickly passed1 however2 the racing of my blood passed too2 determination grew fixed2 ,i decided to act at once4 ,but should ,i go in1 or should ,i wait till they came out again8 ,if ,i went in there would probably be a fight2 ,boyde's hulking companion would certainly take his side2 the lightest blow in my weak state and ,i should be down and out4 ,on the other hand1 there was a side door1 there were several side doors1 and the couple might easily slip out1 for ,i could not watch all the doors at once4 ,i decided to go in4 ,and the moment the decision was taken1 complete calmness came over me1 so that ,i felt myself merely an instrument of fate4 ,it was horrible1 but it had to be4 ,boyde was to get the punishment he deserved4 ,i could not fail4 ,the way the little scene was stage-managed seemed curious to me when it was all over1 for as ,i moved out into the light1 a couple of policemen came across the broad avenue behind and looked inquisitively at what must have seemed my queer behaviour4 ,i immediately crossed to meet them1 while never taking my eye off the swing-doors4 ,a man who had just gone into that saloon1 ,i told them1 was to be arrested4 8,that so80 they asked with a grin1 thinking me drunk1 of course4 8,and what's he done to get all that80 ,i told them ,i was a reporter on the ,sun1 that ,i was the complainant in the case1 and that ,detective ,lawler of the #ith ,district had the warrant at headquarters4 ,they could telephone to him if they liked4 ,they listened1 but they would not do anything4 ,i could telephone to ,lawler myself2 they weren't going to act without a warrant4 ,they finally agreed to wait outside and 8see fair play10 if ,i would go in and fetch 8the guy0 out into the street4 8,we'll stop any trouble10 they said1 8and take him to the station if you make a complaint40 ,i agreed to this and walked in through the swing-doors4 ,the saloon was crowded1 the heat wonderful1 the bars thronged with men in all stages of intoxication2 bar-tenders in white jackets flew to and fro2 business was booming1 and at the least sign of a row1 everybody1 more or less1 would have joined in4 ,this general impression1 however1 was only in the background of my mind4 ,what filled it was the fact that ,boyde was looking at me1 staring straight into my eyes1 but in the mirror4 ,the instant the doors swung to ,i had caught his reflection in the long glass behind the bar4 ,across this bar1 a little space on either side of him1 he was leaning on both elbows1 his face resting in one hand4 ,the eye-glass--it was asking for trouble to wear it in such a place--had been discarded4 ,he was alone4 ,his back1 of course1 was towards me4 ,for a few seconds we stared at one another in this way1 and then1 as ,i walked down the long room1 pushing between the noisy crowd1 he slowly turned4 ,i reached him4 ,a faint smile appeared on his face4 ,he evidently did not know quite what to do1 but a hand began to move towards me4 ,he thought1 it seemed1 ,i was going to shake hands1 whereas ,i thought he was probably going to hit me4 ,instead my hand went to his shoulder4 8,boyde10 ,i said1 keeping my voice low1 8,i want you4 ,you're going to be--arrested40 ,the smile died out1 and an awful look rushed into his eyes4 ,his face turned the colour of chalk4 ,at first ,i felt sure he was going to land me a blow in the face1 but the abrupt movement of his body was merely that he tried to steady himself against the bar1 for ,i saw his hand grip the rail and cling to it4 ,the same second his features began to work4 8,i've got to arrest you10 ,i repeated4 8,it's ,karma4 ,you had better come quietly40 8,karma----0 he repeated in a dazed way and stared4 ,he was bewildered1 incredulous still4 ,the same second1 however1 he grasped that it was serious1 my face and voice and manner doubtless warned him4 ,this1 at last1 was real2 he suddenly knew it4 ,the expression of appeal poured up instantly into his eyes1 those big1 innocent1 blue eyes where ,i had so often seen it before4 ,only now there was no moustache1 and the brutal cunning mouth was bare4 ,he began to speak at once1 keeping his voice low1 for several people were already interested in us4 ,he used his softest and most pleading tone4 ,with that1 too1 ,i was thoroughly familiar4 8,blackwood--for ,god's sake let me go4 ,i'm off to ,england to-morrow on a ,white ,star boat4 ,i'm working my passage over4 ,for the love of ,god--for my mother's sake----60 ,i cut him short4 ,the falseness1 the cowardice1 the treachery all working in his face at once1 sickened me4 ,at the same time an aching pity rose4 ,i felt miserable4 8,you must come out with me4 ,at once40 ,he turned quickly and looked about him1 his eyes taking in everything4 ,some men beside us had heard our talk and were ready to interfere4 8,what's your trouble80 one of them asked thickly4 ,i realized we must get away at once1 out into the street1 though the scene had barely lasted two minutes yet4 8,there's a policeman waiting outside10 ,i went on4 8,you'd better come quietly4 ,a row won't help you40 ,but ,i said it louder than ,i thought1 for several heads turned towards the swing-doors4 ,the effect on ,boyde1 however1 was hardly what ,i expected1 and seemed strange4 ,he wilted suddenly4 ,i believe all thought of resistance or escape went out of him when he heard the word 8police40 ,his jaw dropped1 there was suddenly no expression in his eyes at all4 ,a complete blankness came into his features4 ,it was horrible4 ,he's got no soul1 ,i thought4 ,he merely stared at me4 8,whose is that overcoat80 ,i asked1 feeling sure it was not his own4 ,i already had him by the arm4 8,roper's10 he said quietly1 his voice gone quite dead4 8,here he is40 ,his face was still like a ghost's4 ,it was blank as stone4 ,i had quite forgotten the companion1 but at that same moment ,i saw ,roper hovering up beside me4 ,his attitude was threatening1 he was three-parts drunk2 a glance showed me he was an ,englishman1 and obviously1 by birth1 a gentleman4 8,roper1 if you want your coat1 you'd better take it4 ,boyde is under arrest40 8,arrest be damned60 ,roper cried in a loud voice that everybody heard4 ,there was already a crowd about us1 but this increased it4 ,roper was looking me over4 ,he glared with anger4 8,you're that cad ,blackwood1 ,i suppose1 are you8 ,i've heard about you4 ,i know your whole damned rotten story and the way you've treated ,boyde4 ,but ,boyde's a friend of mine4 ,no one can do anything to him while ,i'm here44460 ,he roared and shouted in that crowded bar-room1 while the whole place looked on and listened1 ready to interfere at the first sign of 8a fuss40 ,a blow1 a little push even1 would have laid me out1 and in the general scuffle or free fight that was bound to follow1 ,boyde could have got clear away--but neither he nor ,roper thought of this apparently4 ,roper went on pouring out his drunken abuse1 lurching forward but never actually touching me1 while ,boyde stood perfectly still and listened in silence4 ,he made no attempt to shake off my hand even4 ,i suddenly then leaned over and spoke into his ear3 8,if you come quietly at once it's only petit larceny--stealing the money4 ,otherwise it's forgery40 ,it acted like magic4 ,an expression darted back into his face4 ,he turned1 told ,roper to shut up1 said something to the crowd about its being only a little misunderstanding1 and walked without another word towards the doors4 ,i walked beside him1 the men made a way2 a few seconds later we were in the street4 ,roper1 who had waited to finish his drink1 and was puzzled besides by the quick manuvre1 lurched at some distance after us4 ,the two policemen1 who had watched the scene through the windows1 stood waiting4 ,boyde swayed against me when he saw them4 ,i marched him up to the nearest one4 8,i make a charge of larceny against this man1 and the warrant is at ,mulberry ,street with ,detective ,lawler4 ,i am the complainant40 ,they told him he was under arrest1 and we began our horrible little procession to the station in ,west #bast ,street4 ,boyde was between the two policemen1 ,i was next to the outside one1 on the kerb1 ,roper came reeling in the rear1 shouting abuse and threats into my face4 ,the next time ,i saw ,roper was in the court of ,general ,sessions1 weeks later1 when ,boyde was brought up for trial4 ,by that time he had learned the truth2 he came up and apologized4 ,boyde1 he told me1 had swindled him even more completely than he had swindled me4 ,the search in the station made me sick at heart2 every pocket was turned out2 there was #hj dollars in cash2 the sergeant used filthy language4 ,boyde was taken down to a cell1 and ,i1 as a newspaper reporter1 was allowed to go down with him4 ,i stayed for two hours1 talking through the bars4 ,it was two in the morning when the sergeant turned me out after a dreadful conversation1 and when ,i reached home1 to find ,kay sitting up anxiously still1 ,i was too exhausted1 from cold1 excitement and hunger1 to tell him more than a bare outline of it all4 ,i had to appear at eight o'clock next morning and make my formal charge against ,boyde1 in the ,tombs ,police ,court--the ,tombs1 of all places6--and with that thought in my mind ,i fell asleep4 ,,chapter ,,xxiv ,boyde came up with the first batch of prisoners4 ,the portentous shadow of the ,tombs prison1 with its forbidding architecture1 hung over the whole scene4 ,my first sight of him was sitting among the rows of prisoners1 waiting to be called4 ,he looked ill and broken1 he made a pleading sign to me4 ,as a reporter ,i had the right to interview anybody and everybody1 and ,i made my way along the serried wooden benches4 ,lawler sat next him1 looking very pleased to have secured his prisoner1 and a good story into the bargain1 without any trouble to himself2 but when ,i tried to shake hands with ,boyde1 ,i found to my horror that he was handcuffed4 8,say1 boss1 be sure and git me name spelled right1 and tell the reporters that ,i effected the arrest10 was the first thing that ,lawler said1 using the phrase the detectives always used4 ,by promising the man all he wanted and more besides1 ,i managed to get us all three into a corner where we could talk without everybody else hearing2 also ,i got the handcuffs taken off1 for they were quite unnecessary inside the building4 ,the first thing ,boyde said was to beg for a drink2 he had taken a lot the night before1 his throat was parched1 his nerves were bad4 ,at the moment this was quite impossible1 but ,i got one for him in the reporters' room after his case had been called4 ,the second thing he said was to beg me to 8keep it out of the papers10 though this1 of course1 lay quite beyond my powers4 ,apart from this he said very little except to repeat and repeat that he was repentant1 and to beg me to withdraw the charge1 though this was now impossible1 the matter being out of my hands4 ,also1 he wondered what the sentence would be--he meant to plead guilty--and implored me to leave out the forgery4 ,he was very badly frightened4 ,that early morning hour in the stinking atmosphere of the over-heated police court was too ghastly ever to be forgotten1 but there were particular moments when pain and pity1 to say nothing of other strangely mixed emotions1 stabbed me with peculiar ferocity4 ,when the reporters flocked round him like vultures after prey was one of these2 another was when ,boyde stood in front of the ,tammany magistrate1 ,ryan by name1 and pleaded guilty4 ,a mistake1 though not actually wrong1 had crept into the charge sheet4 ,in my excitement of the night before the amount stolen had been entered as #cb1 and though this was the truth1 ,i had meant to make it only #be4 ,i was unintentionally to blame for this--it was now ,grand ,larceny instead of ,petit ,larceny4 ,a magistrate could only deal with the lesser offence1 and ,boyde therefore was held for trial in ,general ,sessions1 instead of being sentenced then and there4 ,the look he gave me as ,ryan spoke the words was like a knife4 ,he believed ,i had done this purposely4 ,a third unforgettable moment was when he was being roughly pushed downstairs on his way to a cell in the ,tombs3 he looked back forlornly over his shoulder at me4 ,in the reporters' room it was decided to print the 8,boyde story40 ,i knew all the men2 ,acton ,davies was there for the ,evening ,sun1 specially sent down by ,mc,cloy4 ,the reporters dragged and tore at me4 ,i realized what 8interviewed0 victims felt when they wished to hide everything away inside themselves4 ,yet the facts had to be told2 it was best ,i should give them accurately1 if as briefly1 as leniently1 as possible4 ,the sight of all those vultures 7of whom1 incidentally1 ,i was one7 scribbling down busily the details of my intimate life with ,boyde1 to be hawked later in the streets as news1 was likewise a picture not easily forgotten4 ,before the ordeal was over1 ,lawler returned from the cell4 ,he insisted1 with a wink at me1 that he had made the arrest2 the credit of the chase he also claimed2 he had1 too1 additional facts about ,boyde's past criminal career of which ,i was quite ignorant1 supplied by records at headquarters4 ,lawler intended to get all the advertisement for himself he could4 ,i let his lying pass4 ,on the whole it seemed best to let him be responsible for the arrest2 it made the story more commonplace1 and1 luckily1 so far1 ,i had not described this scene4 ,an hour later ,i was talking with ,boyde between the bars of his cell in the ,tombs prison1 while1 two hours later1 every evening paper in ,new ,york had a column or a column and a half about us printed on its front page4 ,there were scare headlines of atrocious sort4 ,there were posters1 too1 showing our names in big letters4 ,news that day happened to be scarce1 and the ,boyde story was 8good stuff0 apparently4 ,the talk with him in the cell was one of many2 he was there six weeks before the trial came on4 ,the papers finished him2 the case was too notorious for him ever to swindle again unless he changed his name4 ,they scarified him1 they left out no detail1 they hunted up a thousand new ones1 he had 8cut a wide swath0 7sic7 all over ,new ,york ,state1 as one of them printed4 ,i had not mentioned ,pauline ,m---- or the pastor's daughter1 yet both were included4 ,to see my own name in print for the first time1 the names of my parents1 and of half the peerage as well1 was bad enough2 to find myself classed with bad company generally1 with crooks and rogues1 with shady actresses1 with criminals1 was decidedly unpleasant4 ,paragraphs my brother wrote to me appeared in ,london papers too4 ,copies of the ,new ,york ones were sent to my father4 8,too foxy for ,algernon0 was a headline he read out to my brother in his library4 ,boyde had even written to him1 signing himself 8your cousin10 to ask for money for 8your poor son10 but had received no reply4 ,there is no need now to mention names1 but any distinguished connexion either of us possessed appeared in the headlines or the article itself4 8,nephew of an earl held in #a1jjj bail10 8,cousin of ,lord ,x10 8,scion of ,british ,aristocracy a ,sneak-thief10 were some of the descriptions4 8,son of a duchess in the ,soup10 was another4 ,the ,staatszeitung had a phrase which threw a momentary light on an aspect of lower life in the city1 when ,freytag1 the ,german reporter who had taught me how to write a court story1 described me as 8,sohn einer sogennanten ,herzogin40 ,he only laughed when ,i spoke to him about it4 8,how should ,i know10 he said sceptically4444 ,boyde came up in due course before ,recorder ,smythe in general sessions1 the most severe and most dreaded of all the judges4 ,he still wore my thick suit1 he wore also a pair of ,harding ,davis's boots1 and1 ,i believe1 something else of ,sothern's4 ,his sentence was two years in the ,penitentiary on ,blackwell ,island4 ,a group of other people he had swindled1 including 8,artist ,palmer10 were in court2 so was an assistant of ,ikey's1 with all our pawned articles4 ,every single thing1 whether stolen goods or not1 was returned to me4 ,the doctor and ,kay were also there4 ,some of his letters are a human document3 ,tombs1 ,december1 #ahib4 ,oh1 ,blackwood1 what black treachery ,i returned you for your many kindnesses1 base lying for all your straightforward dealing with me6 ,you freely forgave me what ninety-nine men out of every hundred would1 if not imprisoned me for1 certainly never have forgiven me4 ,i returned evil for good1 and you still bore with me4 ,you said--,i shall never forget it1 for it was when you found the stamp torn off your letter--and even at that moment ,i had money in my pocket belonging to you1 just as ,i had when you shared your last #ej cent4 piece that night at ,krisches1 for ,i must say this1 though ,i could tear myself to pieces when ,i think of it--,you said1 #8,b4 how you must hate me6' ,no1 ,blackwood1 it seems a paradox1 but ,i could not hate you if ,i tried to4 ,i don't say this because ,i am in prison1 or with any desire to flatter4 ,i am sincere in everything ,i say and it comes from my heart4 ,you have every reason to think from my former actions that ,i am not sincere above reward1 but ,i am4 ,oh1 the old1 but nevertheless true remark1 ,,too ,,late6 ,it comes home to me with striking and horrible vividness4 ,too ,late6 ,i have forfeited the respect of every good and honest man1 have disgraced my ,english name and my family4 ,but1 let me go4 ,five years of service will be the best thing for me4 ,i can enlist under another name and may perhaps get a commission in time4 ,give me the chance of redeeming myself1 please4 ,if ever any man was sincerely repentant for the past ,i am that man4 ,,arthur ,b4 ,please excuse mistakes and alterations4 ,i am so fearfully shaky4 ,the ,tombs ,city ,prison1 ,centre ,street1 ,n4 ,y4 ,please read through before destroying it4 ,i have begged another sheet of paper and stamp in order to make one final appeal4 ,will you not come down again on receipt of this8 ,please do1 for ,god's sake4 ,no visitors are allowed on ,new ,year's ,day1 or on ,sunday4 ,new ,year's ,day6 ,what a new year's day for me6 ,let me begin it afresh4 ,i have a favour to ask you which ,i must ask you verbally2 ,i cannot put it on paper4 ,it is getting dark2 so once more ,i ask you1 ,i implore you1 to have mercy on me for my mother's sake4 ,for her sake spare ,,arthur ,b4 ,visiting hours #aj-b4 ,i am speaking the truth and nothing but the truth when ,i say that ,i am sincerely sorry for all that ,i have done and implore your pardon4 ,this is not an insincere expression1 but one from my heart4 ,come down again1 please1 even to speak to me1 for you don't know the mental agony ,i am suffering4 ,a4 ,b4 ,tombs ,city ,prison1 ,new ,year's ,day4 ,it was more than kind of you to come all the way down here and then after all not be able to see me2 not much loss to you1 it is true1 but a bitter disappointment to me4 ,palmer came down and talked very kindly to me and instilled a little hope in me4 ,but this is a wretched ,new ,year's ,day4 ,i was talking to an old convict this morning1 a man who in his life has been about sixteen years in jail1 and he said that if he had only been let off in the first instance with a few days in here1 he would have been a different man to-day1 but after serving one term he became reckless and has now become a notorious thief4 ,as ,i said to you1 think of me after #bj years' penal servitude4 ,blackwood1 won't you and ,palmer stay your hands once more8 ,i will leave the country1 and if ever ,i should return you could always have me arrested4 ,i will never trouble you again4 ,let me make a fresh start once more4 ,should you decide not to press the charge you can go to the ,district ,attorney's ,office and inform them of the fact4 ,i once more implore you and ,palmer to have pity on me1 and please come and see me6 ,may ,i wish you and ,palmer a bright and happy ,new ,year1 brighter and happier than the past one4 ,,arthur ,b4 ,many thanks for the paper and envelopes4 ,bless you6 ,the ,tombs4 ,very many thanks for your visit yesterday4 ,it is the only pleasure ,i have4 ,i believe what you say is true--that ,i am reaping the result of evil done in the past and that the only real way to atone is to meet it squarely and accept my punishment without grumbling4 ,if ,karma is true1 it is just1 and ,i shall get what ,i deserve1 and not an iota more4 ,i cannot tell you how grateful ,i am to you for being so lenient to me and even writing to the ,district ,attorney on my behalf4 ,i am truly grateful1 ,blackwood4 ,please do not think ,i am not sorry for what ,i have done1 or that ,i am not really penitent1 for ,i am indeed4 ,it was bitterly cold last night and ,i was awfully glad to have my overcoat1 and blessed you for sending it4 ,i know you got it out of pawn for me1 and that is another kindness4 ,again1 for the last time probably1 ,i thank you for your many acts of kindness4 ,i bitterly regret and earnestly repent for the manner ,i treated you1 returning evil for good1 and ,i shall think much of you when serving my time under a blazing sun or in my cramped and chilly cell4 ,,arthur ,b4 ,tombs ,prison4 ,i have just been to the ,court ,house and pleaded guilty4 ,my sentence is remanded till ,friday week4 ,if ,i could only get that lawyer ,i might get the sentence reduced a little4 ,but ,judge ,smythe is a very hard man4 ,my small hopes were dashed away on hearing that you had been subpnaed to go before the ,grand ,jury this morning4 ,now all hope is gone2 only blank1 blank despair2 no hope1 all is dark4 ,i wish ,i could die--much rather that than suffer this awful remorse4 ,do you know ,i sometimes think ,i am going mad8 ,when ,i come out ,i shall be too old for the army1 and what else can a felon1 a criminal1 a convict do8 ,is crime the only refuge8 ,shall ,i sink lower and lower8 ,will what small sense of decency and honour ,i have left be utterly destroyed and made callous by propinquity with other criminals8 ,what a frightful nightmare to conjure up6 ,nightmare8 ,no1 it is only too true2 it is stern1 inexorable reality4 ,thank you for sending the clothes4 ,i had no change before4 ,bless you6 ,a4 ,b4 ,tombs ,city ,prison4 ,what follows ,i wish to write voluntarily4 ,it is a ,confession and relieves me-- ,i certainly wish to convey to you the fact of my sincere and deep sorrow for the shameful manner ,i treated you and abused your confidence and kindness4 ,i fear that one of my letters cannot have reached you1 as ,i am sure ,i wrote at length on this subject4 ,you mistake and misjudge me when you think it is only fear that prompts me to write as ,i do4 ,my eyes are opened to the enormity of my past crimes1 opened by thinking and seeing things in the proper light4 ,i have been alone with my thought for days now1 and ,god knows how many more days will pass over my head before ,i again face the world4 ,it will relieve me to give you a full confession of my treachery1 for ,i believe there is no real repentance without real confession4 ,to begin with the editor4 ,i never had a chance of the position at ,rockaway1 although the editor once said casually that he would try and find me some similar position4 ,i lied to you all through in that1 for ,i wished you to think ,i had prospects of paying work in view4 ,when you used to come down with me to ,franklin ,street 7,harper's7 ,i waited about upstairs and looked at books1 etc41 and then came down and concocted some lies about what ,i had said and done4 ,i once borrowed #ae from him 7,richard ,harding ,davis1 ,editor 8,harper's ,weekly07 and said they were for you4 ,my dealings with ,sothern were that he from time to time lent me money1 some #ej in all1 and gave me a position at ten dollars a week4 ,i told him when borrowing that the money was for your doctor1 and when borrowing more ,i said you had wasted it in drink4 ,i asked him to cash several of the cheques ,i forged1 but he would never do this4 ,i was paid up in full by the manager and also for the extra performances of the 8,disreputable ,mr4 ,reagen40 ,i little thought when ,i was playing ,merivale's part that ,i should act it true to life4 ,with ,mr4 ,beattie ,i lied all through4 ,he never had any money of mine or knew my mother or ever heard from her4 ,he never bailed me out1 and ,i never used to see him as ,i said ,i did4 ,you and ,palmer thought that ,i spent some time in jail this summer1 but ,i would rather not say anything in writing about that4 ,my dealings with ,palmer were that ,i borrowed money from him and said it was for you4 ,i also went to your banker acquaintance and borrowed twenty-five dollars for a specialist1 saying it was at your request4 ,i did pawn the overcoat you gave me to post to ,kay1 and that time you forgave me for stealing your money ,i had in my pocket the proceeds of three stories of yours ,i had given the ,sun1 and they had paid for4 ,but1 even in the face of your forgiveness1 ,i wanted this money so much for my indulgences that ,i could not face the privation of handing it over to you4 ,i lied in the face of your kindness and generosity1 and when you even needed food ,i was going about drinking and womanizing and spending freely4 ,when my funds were exhausted ,i came back to you1 for ,i knew you would always forgive me4 ,it is awful4 ,no wonder you want to see me go to prison4 ,i am as wicked a man as ever lived1 ,i believe4 ,i wonder what caused me to tell such lies4 ,am ,i a natural born liar8 ,it seems like it4 ,you wrong me in one thing--in thinking my sorrow is sham and prompted by fear and the hope of getting off4 ,i cannot find words to express my contrition4 ,believe me1 ,i would do anything in my power1 and will do1 when my term is up1 to make reparation4 ,i submit to the inevitable4 ,i can imagine something now of what you must have suffered when ,i left you alone without food or money those four days and nights4 ,i think1 however1 the worst thing ,i did was telling the pastor's daughter that you tried to prevent our meeting because you wished me to marry one of your sisters1 though ,i do not know1 of course1 whether you have any even4 ,that1 and the taking the stamps off your letters so that ,i could get beer1 seem to weigh most heavily with me now in my darkness and loneliness4 ,i do not know what my sentence will be--heavy1 ,i suspect1 unless ,i can get someone to plead for me1 and ,i have not a single solitary friend to do that4 ,i am utterly alone4 ,i have been in this cell now twenty-one days1 and have a week more before sentence is given4 ,it seems like six months4 ,no one can realize what prison is like till they have tried it4 ,believe me1 ,i am deeply and truly sorry4 ,i speak from my heart4 ,think of me as kindly as you can when ,i am in the ,penitentiary4 ,i hope ,i shall see you once more4 ,,arthur ,b4 ,i saw ,boyde twice in my life afterwards2 ,i heard1 indirectly1 from him once3 the prison chaplain wrote to ask for 8his things0 which1 ,boyde told him1 ,i 8insisted upon keeping40 ,he never had any 8things0 at all while ,i knew him2 the letter was indignant and offensive4 ,boyde had evidently 8told a tale0 to the chaplain4 ,the first time ,i saw him was some eighteen months after he had been sent up1 good behaviour evidently having shortened his term4 ,i was walking up ,irving ,place and saw him suddenly about fifty yards in front of me4 ,it was my own thick suit ,i recognized first1 then its wearer4 ,i instinctively called out his name4 ,he turned1 looked at me1 hurried on1 and went round the corner into #bast ,street4 ,once round the corner1 he must have run like a hare1 for when ,i entered the street too1 he had disappeared4 ,the second1 and last1 time ,i saw him was in ,london ten years later--at a bookstall in ,charing ,cross station4 ,he saw me1 however1 first1 or before ,i could come close enough to speak1 and he melted away into the crowd with swift and accomplished ease4 ,i was near enough1 though1 to note that he had grown his heavy moustache again1 still wore his eyeglass1 and was smartly1 even prosperously1 dressed4 ,he looked very little older4 ,from ,lynwood ,palmer1 whom ,i met soon afterwards in ,piccadilly1 ,i heard that my old employer1 the ,horse1 had seen him at ,tattersalls not long before1 and that he1 ,boyde1 had come and begged ,palmer not to give him away as he was 8after some ,jews only06 ,artist ,palmer took no action4 ,,chapter ,,xxv ,mc,cloy took me back on the ,evening ,sun1 according to his promise1 about mid-,january1 and about the same time ,mrs4 ,bernstein sold her house and moved to another lower down the street1 almost opposite to the doctor's4 ,there were no insects1 all our things were out of pawn1 we had overcoats again1 but we had to find a new ,ikey1 for the old ,ikey1 of course1 would have nothing more to do with our trousers1 gladstone bag1 top hat and tennis cups4 ,the ,east #aith ,street chapter was closed when ,boyde went to ,blackwell ,island2 another in the same street had begun3 ,mrs4 ,bernstein begged us to move with her3 we owed her big arrears of rent2 also1 for some odd reason1 she really liked us4 ,in her odd way she even tried to mother me1 as though her interest1 somewhere perhaps her pity too1 were touched4 8,you haf had drouble in ,england1 ,i subbose80 she hinted sympathetically4 ,she had read the newspapers carefully1 and could not understand why ,i should be exiled in poverty in this way unless ,i had done something shady at home4 ,it followed that ,i had been sent out to ,america for my country's good4 ,she shared1 that is1 the view most people took of my position in ,new ,york4 ,only three months had passed since we arrived1 but it seemed years4 ,i had never lived anywhere else4 ,the sheltered ,english life1 the ,canadian adventures1 above all the months upon our happy island1 lay far away down the wrong end of a telescope1 small1 distant patches1 brightly coloured1 lit by a radiant sun1 remote1 incredible4 ,it was not myself but another person ,i watched moving across these miniature maps of memory4 ,those happy days1 states1 places1 those careless1 sanguine moods1 those former points of view so bright with hope1 seemed gone for ever4 ,i now lived in a world where ,i belonged4 ,i should never climb out again4 ,the intensity of emotion at the time is difficult to realize now1 and quite impossible to recapture4 ,i only know that my feelings burned like fire1 all the fiercer1 of course1 for being inarticulate4 ,the exaggeration was natural enough2 everything was out of proportion in me3 ,boyde had destroyed my faith in people4 ,i believed in no one4 ,the doctor had said that to lose belief in others made life insupportable4 ,i found that statement true4 ,there was a deep bitterness in my heart that for a time was more than ,i could manage1 and this distrust and bitterness led me into an act of cruelty that shames me to this day4 ,into the roar and thunder of that frenzied newspaper office stole a hesitating figure one afternoon1 a shy youth with rosy cheeks and curly hair1 dressed in shabby but well-cut clothes1 and obviously an ,englishman4 ,he wore gloves and carried a 8cane02 these marked him as a 8,britisher0 at once4 ,he was asking for someone2 fingers were pointed at me2 he was faintly familiar2 ,i had seen the face before--but where8 ,he came over and introduced himself as ,calder1 son of a ,midland coach-builder2 we had met at some place or other--outside a studio door1 ,i think--and he knew ,kay4 ,i forget what he was doing in ,new ,york---idling1 ,i think1 or travelling4 ,he had outlived his cash1 at any rate4 ,he was in difficulties4 ,i distrusted him instantly4 ,he was1 of course1 another ,boyde4 ,i gave him the curtest possible greeting4 ,he1 in turn1 found the greatest possible difficulty in telling me his story4 ,i was sitting at the reporters' table in shirt-sleeves 7owing to the suffocating temperature of the over-heated office71 scribbling at top speed the details of some lurid 8story10 while ,calder told me his tale4 ,he wanted to whisper1 but the noise forced him to shout1 and this disconcerted him4 ,no one listened1 however2 he had merely brought a 8story0 in4 ,he had--but it was his own story4 ,i have quite forgotten what it was1 or what had happened to him2 only the main point ,i remember3 he had nowhere to sleep4 ,of his story ,i did not believe a single word1 though ,i did believe that he had no bed4 8,can ,i bunk with you to-night80 he came finally to the point4 ,i told him he most certainly could not4 ,he refused to believe me4 ,i assured him ,i meant it4 ,i was his last hope1 he said1 with a nervous grin4 ,i told him to try a doss-house4 ,he grinned and giggled and flushed--then thanked me6 ,it would only be for a night or two1 he urged4 8,you can't possibly let me walk the streets all night60 ,i replied that one ,boyde had been enough for me4 ,i had learnt my lesson1 he could walk the streets for the rest of his life for all ,i cared4 ,he giggled1 still refusing to believe ,i meant it4 ,his father was sending money4 ,he would repay me4 ,he went on pleading4 ,i again repeated that ,i could not take him in4 ,he left1 still thanking me and blushing4 ,visions of another ,boyde were in my mind4 ,at the time1 moreover1 our poverty was worse than it ever had been4 ,boyde1 ,i found1 had sold six of my ,french stories to ,mc,cloy at #e each1 and had pocketed the money4 ,my salary was now being docked five dollars each week till this #cj was paid off4 ,we had1 therefore1 only ten dollars a week between the two of us4 ,everything was in pawn again1 and times were extra hard4 ,to have ,calder living on us was out of the question1 for once he got in we should never get him out4 ,i was tired of criminal parasites4 ,it was my head that argued thus2 in my heart ,i knew perfectly well that ,calder was guileless1 innocent as milk1 an honest1 feckless1 stupid fellow who was in genuine difficulty for the moment1 but who would never sponge on us1 and certainly do nothing mean4 ,conscience pricked me--for half an hour perhaps2 in the stress and excitement of the day ,i then forgot him4 ,that evening ,acton ,davis1 the dramatic critic1 gave me a theatre seat1 on condition that ,i wrote the notice for him4 ,it was after eleven when ,i reached home4 ,curled up in my bed1 sound asleep1 his clothes neatly folded on the chair1 lay ,calder4 ,it was ,february and freezing cold4 ,kay was away for the week1 trying a new play at ,mount ,vernon1 where he slept4 ,there was no reason why ,i should not have let ,calder spend at least one warm night in the room4 ,but1 apart from the shock of annoyance at finding him asleep in my own bed1 and apart from a moment's anger at his cool impudence1 the startling parallel with ,boyde was vividly unpleasant4 ,it was ,boyde ,no4 #b ,i saw sleeping in my bed4 ,if ,i let him stay one night ,i should never get rid of him at all4 #aj a week among three6 ,calder must take up his bed and walk4 ,i woke him and told him to dress and leave the room4 ,i watched him dress1 heard him plead1 heard him describe the freezing weather1 describe his walking the streets all night without a cent in his pockets4 ,he blushed and giggled all the time4 ,it was some minutes before he believed ,i was in earnest1 before he crawled out of bed2 it was much longer before he was dressed and ready to go4444 ,i saw him down the stairs and through the front door and out into the bitter street4 ,i gave him a dollar1 which represented two days' meals for me1 and would pay a bed in a doss-house for him4 ,when he was gone ,i spent a wretched night1 ashamed of myself through and through4 ,it really was ,boyde who turned him out1 but the excuse had no comfort in it4 ,the little incident remains unkindly vivid2 ,i still see it2 it happens over again2 the foolish1 good-natured face1 the blushes and shyness1 the implicit belief in my own kindness1 the red cheeks and curly hair--going through the front door into the bitter streets4 ,it all stands out4 ,shame and remorse go up and down in me while ,i write it now1 a belated confession4444 ,i never saw ,calder again4 ,another thing that still shames me is our treatment of old greasy ,mother ,bernstein4 ,though a little thing1 this likewise keeps vividly alive4 ,a 8little0 thing6 ,the big things1 invariably with extenuating circumstances that furnish modifying excuses and comforting explanations1 are less stinging in the memory4 ,it is the little things that pierce and burn and prick for years to come4 ,in my treatment of ,mrs4 ,bernstein1 at any rate1 lay an alleviating touch of comedy4 ,in the end1 too1 the debt was paid4 ,twelve months later--it seemed a period of years--,kay got suddenly from a brother #ajj--;an enormous sum2 while ,i had twice received from my brother1 ,god bless him6 post-office orders for #aj4 ,this was a long time ahead yet1 but ,mrs4 ,bernstein eventually received her due with our sincerest thanks4 ,she had moved to another house in ,lafayette ,place by then4 ,we paid up and left her1 ,kay going to one boarding-house1 ,i to another4 ,the payment in full1 at any rate1 relieved my conscience1 for the way we bullied that poor old ,jewess was inexcusable4 ,the excuse ,i found seemed adequate at the time1 however--we must frighten her or be turned out4 ,each time she pressed for payment1 out came my heavy artillery2 imaginary insects1 threats of newspaper articles1 bluster1 bluff and bullying of every description1 often reducing her to tears1 and a final indignant volley to the effect that 8,if you don't trust us1 we had better go2 in fact1 if this occurs again1 we shall go60 ,more than once we pretended to pack up2 more than once ,i announced that we had found other rooms2 8,next ,monday ,i shall pay you the few dollars we owe1 and leave your house1 and you will read an account of your conduct in the ,evening ,sun1 ,mrs4 ,bernstein40 ,she invariably came to heel4 8,i ask my hospand0 had no sequel4 ,by frightening and bullying her1 ,i stayed on and on and on1 owing months' and months' rent and breakfast2 our ascendancy over her was complete4 ,it was1 none the less1 a shameful business1 for at the time it seemed doubtful if we should ever be in a position to pay the kind old woman anything at all4444 ,the fifteen months ,i now spent reporting for the ,evening ,sun at fifteen dollars a week lie in the mind like a smudged blur of dreary wretchedness1 a few incidents only standing out4444 ,the desire for the drug was conquered1 the old doctor was dead1 ,kay had obtained a position with a firm in ,exchange ,place1 where he made a small1 uncertain income in a business that was an absolute mystery to me1 the buying and selling of exchange between banks4 ,louis ,b---- had meanwhile arrived1 without a cent to his name4 ,it was a long and bitter period1 three of us in a small room again1 but at least an honest three4 ,louis's ,french temperament ran to absinthe--when he could get it4 ,he used the mattress on the floor1 while ,kay and ,i shared the bed between us4 ,our clothes were useless to the short1 rotund little ,frenchman2 as the weeks passed he looked more and more like a pantomime figure in the streets1 and when he went to give his rare ,french and ,spanish lessons he never dared to take off his overcoat 7which he had managed to keep7 even in the hottest room1 nor during the most torrid of summer days4 ,often he dared not unbutton the collar he turned up about his neck1 affirming with much affected coughing that he had a 8dreadful throat40 ,he was1 by nature and habit1 an inveterate cigarette smoker2 a cigarette1 indeed1 meant more to him than a meal1 and ,i can still see him crawling about the floor of the room on all fours in the early morning1 8hunting snipe10 as he called it--in other words1 looking for fag-ends4 ,he was either extremely sanguine or extremely depressed2 in the former mood he planned the most alluring and marvellous schemes1 in the latter he talked of suicide4 ,his wife1 whom he dearly loved1 had a baby soon after his arrival4 ,he suffered a good deal4444 ,he was a great addition to our party1 if at the same time a great drain on our purse4 ,his keen1 materialistic ,french mind was very eager1 logical1 well-informed1 and critical in a destructive sense1 an iconoclast if ever there was one4 ,all forms of belief were idols it was his great delight to destroy2 faith was superstition2 cosmogonies were inventions of men whose natural feebleness forced them to seek something bigger and more wonderful than themselves2 creeds1 from primitive animism to ,buddhism and ,christianity1 were1 similarly1 man-made1 with a dose of pretentious ethics thrown in2 while soul1 spirit1 survival after death1 were creations of human vanity and egoism1 and had not a single atom of evidence to support them from the beginning of the world to date4 ,naturally1 he disbelieved everything that ,i believed1 and1 naturally1 too1 our arguments left us both precisely where we started4 ,but they helped the evenings1 often hungry evenings1 to pass without monotony2 and when1 as sometimes though but rarely happened1 ,louis had come by a drop of absinthe1 monotony was entirely forgotten4 ,he would sit crossed-legged on his mattress1 his brown eyes sparkling in the round little face1 his thick curly black hair looking like stiff wire1 his podgy hands gesticulating1 his language voluble in ,french and ,english mixed1 his infectious laughter ringing and bubbling out from time to time--and the evening would pass like magic4 ,he was charged with poetry and music too4 ,on absinthe evenings1 indeed1 it was difficult to get any sleep at all 444 and the first thing in the morning he would be hunting for 8snipe0 on all fours1 cursing life and fate1 in a black depression which made him think of suicide1 and looking like a yellow ,chinese ,god of ,luck that had come to life4 ,hunger was agony to him1 but1 oddly enough1 he never grew less rotund4 ,he particularly enjoyed singing what he called la messe noire with astonishing variations in his high falsetto4 ,this 8mass0 was performed by all three of us to a plaster-cast faun an artist had given me in ,toronto4 ,it had come in the packing-case with our other things1 this ,donatello1 and we set it on the mantelpiece1 filled a saucer with melted candle stolen from a boarder's room1 lit the piece of string which served for wick1 and turned the gas out4 ,in the darkened room the faunish face leered and moved1 as the flickering light from below set the shadows shifting about its features2 the fiddle1 ,louis's thin falsetto1 ,kay's bass1 badly out of tune1 and my own voice thrown in as well1 produced a volume of sound the other boarders strongly objected to--at one o'clock in the morning4 ,yet the only time ,mrs4 ,bernstein came to complain1 she got no farther than the door3 ,louis had a blanket over his head and shoulders1 ,kay was in his night-shirt1 which was a day-shirt really1 the old ,irving wig lying crooked on his head1 and ,i was but half dressed1 fiddling for all ,i was worth4 ,the darkened room1 the three figures passing to and fro and chanting1 the strange weird face of the faun1 it by the flickering flame from below1 startled her so that she stood stock-still on the threshold without a word4 ,the next second she was gone4444 ,what eventually happened to ,louis ,i never knew4 ,months later he moved to a room up-town4 ,we lost track of one another1 and ,i have no idea how fate behaved to him in after-life4 ,he was thirty-five when he sang the messe noire1 hunted snipe1 and gave occasional lessons in ,french and ,spanish4 ,these trivial little memories remain vivid for some reason4 ,to my precious ,sundays in ,bronx ,park1 or farther afield when the days grew longer1 he came too1 and ,kay came with him4 ,we shared the teapot and tin mug ,i still kept hidden behind a boulder1 we shared the fire ,i always made--neither of my companions shared my mood of happiness4444 ,i was glad when they both refused to get up and start at eight1 preferring to spend the morning in bed4 ,for months and months ,i never missed a single ,sunday1 wet or fine1 for these outings were life to me1 and ,i made a rough lean-to that kept the rain off in bad weather4444 ,the car-fare was only #cj cents1 both ways2 bread and a lump of cheese provided two meals2 there were few ,sundays when ,i did not get at least seven or eight hours of intense happiness among the trees and wild stretches of what was to me a veritable ,eden of delight4444 ,nothing experienced in later life1 tender or grandiose1 neither the splendour of the ,alps1 the majesty of the ,caucasus1 the mystery of the desert1 the magic of spring in ,italy or the grim wonder of the real backwoods which ,i tasted later too--none of these produced the strange and subtle ecstasy of happiness ,i found on those ,sundays in the wastes of scrubby ,bronx ,park1 a few miles from 8,noo ,york ,city40 444 ,it was1 of course1 but the raw material1 so to speak1 of beauty1 which indeed is true always of 8scenery0 as a whole1 but it was possible to find detail which1 grouped together1 made unforgettable pictures by the score4 ,though deprived of technique1 ,i could see the pictures ,i need never think of painting4 ,the selection of significant detail in scenery is the secret of enjoyment1 for such selection can be almost endless4444 ,the hours passed too quickly always1 but they provided the energy to face what1 to me1 was the unadulterated misery of the week to follow4 ,a book was in my pocket and ,shelley was in my memory4 ,from the tram to the trees was half a mile1 perhaps1 but with the first sight of these1 with the first scent of leaves and earth1 the first touch of the wind of open spaces on my tongue1 my joy rose like a great sea-wave1 and the city life1 with all its hideousness1 was utterly forgotten4 ,what occupied my mind during those seven or eight hours it would be tedious to describe4444 ,i was1 besides1 hopelessly inarticulate in those early days2 conclusions ,i arrived at were reached by feeling1 not by thinking2 one1 in particular1 about which ,i felt so positive that ,i knew it was true1 ,i could no more have expressed in words than ,i could have flown or made a million4 ,this particular conclusion that the ,sundays in ,bronx ,park gave me has1 naturally1 been expressed by others far better than ,i could ever express it1 but the first time ,i came across the passage1 perhaps a dozen years later in ,london1 my thought instantly flashed back to the teapot1 the tin mug1 and the boulder in ,bronx ,park when the same conviction had burned into my own untaught mind3 8,one conclusion was forced upon my mind 444 and my impression of its truth has ever since remained unshaken4 ,it is that our normal waking consciousness1 rational consciousness as we call it1 is but one special type of consciousness1 whilst all about us1 parted from it by the filmiest of screens1 there are potential forms of consciousness entirely different4 ,we may go through life without suspecting their existence2 but apply the requisite stimulus and at a touch they are there in all their completeness2 definite types of mentality which probably somewhere have their field of application and adaptation4 ,no account of the universe in its totality can be final which leaves these other forms of consciousness quite disregarded4 ,at any rate1 they forbid a premature closing of our accounts with reality4 ,the whole drift of my education goes to persuade me that the world of our present consciousness is only one out of many worlds of consciousness that exist1 and that these other worlds must contain experiences which have a meaning for our life also4444 ,the insight in these other states has a keynote invariably of reconciliation4 ,it is as if the opposites of the world1 whose contradictions and conflict make all our difficulties and troubles1 were melting into unity40#a #a 8,varieties of ,religious ,experience40 ,william ,james4 ,the immortal may mingle with certain moods1 perhaps1 especially when violent contrast underlies the transition1 and when deep yearnings1 suppressed equally with violence1 find their sudden radiant outlet4 ,since those ,bronx ,park days1 when ,nature caught me with such profound1 uplifting magic1 yet when thought was dumb and inarticulate1 ,i am for ever coming across neat expressions by better minds than mine of what ,i then felt1 and even believed ,i knew1 in some unimagined way4 ,nature drew me1 perhaps1 away from life1 while at the same time there glowed in my heart strange unrealizable desires to help life1 to assist at her ,utopian development1 to work myself to the bone for the improvement of humanity4 ,the contradiction1 silly and high-flown though it now sounds1 was then true4 ,inextinguishable fires to this end blazed in me1 both mind and heart were literally on fire4 ,my failure with ,boyde1 my meanness with ,calder1 to mention no graver lapses1 both bit deep1 but the intense longing to lose my ,self in some ,utopian cause was as strong as the other longing to be lost in the heart of some unstained and splendid wilderness of natural beauty4 ,and the conflict puzzled me4 ,being inarticulate1 ,i could not even find relief in words1 though1 as mentioned1 ,i have often since discovered my feelings of those distant days expressed neatly enough by others4 ,only a few days ago ,i came across an instance3 8,if ,nature catches the soul young it is lost to humanity10 groans ,leroy1 in a truly significant book of #aibb4b #b 8,the ,interpreters10 by ,a4 ,e4 ,the characters 8interpret0 the 8relation of the politics of ,time to the politics of ,eternity40 8,no1 no10 replies the poet4 8,the earth spirit does not draw us aside from life4 ,how could that which is father and mother of us all lead us to err from the law of our being80 ,and1 again1 as ,i sat puzzling about the amazing horror of what was called the ,civilization of the ,new ,world1 and doubtless making the commonplace mistake of thinking that ,new ,york ,city was ,america3-- 8,every great civilization1 ,i think1 has a ,deity behind it1 or a divine shepherd who guided it on some plan in the cosmic imagination4 #8,behold1' said an ancient ,oracle1 #8how the ,heavens glitter with intellectual sections4'444 ,these are archetypal images we follow dimly in our evolution40 8,how do you conceive of these powers as affecting civilization80 8,i believe they are incarnate in the race2 more in the group than in the individual2 and they tend to bring about an orchestration of the genius of the race1 to make manifest in time their portion of eternal beauty44440#c #c ,ibid4 ,my conception of the universe1 at any rate1 in these early days was imaginative entirely2 the critical function1 which comes with greater knowledge1 with reason1 with fuller experience1 lay wholly dormant4 ,i communed with both gods and devils4 ,new ,york stoked the furnace--provided the contrasts4 ,experience1 very slowly1 furnished the files and sand-paper which lay bare what may be real beneath by rubbing away the pretty gilt4 ,certain convictions of those far days1 however1 stood the test1 whatever that test may be worth1 and have justified themselves to me with later years as assuredly not gilt4 ,that unity of life is true1 and that our normal human consciousness is but one type1 and a somewhat insignificant type at that1 hold unalterably real for me to-day4 ,my other conviction1 born in ,bronx ,park in #ahib by the teapot1 tin mug1 and familiar boulder which concealed these indispensable utensils during the week1 is that the ,mystical ,experience known to many throughout the ages with invariable similarity is not a pathogenic experience1 but is due to a desirable1 genuine and valuable expansion of consciousness which furnishes knowledge normally ahead of the race2 but1 since language can only describe the experience of the race1 that it is incommunicable because no words exist1 and that only those who have experienced it can comprehend it4 ,the best equipped modern 8intellectual0 7above all the 8intellectual0 perhaps71 the most advanced scientist1 as1 on the other hand1 the drayman1 the coster1 the city clerk1 must remain not only dumb before its revelation1 stupid1 hopelessly at sea1 angry probably1 but contemptuous and certainly mystified3 they must also appear1 if they be honest1 entirely and unalterably sceptical4 ,such scepticism is their penalty2 it is1 equally1 their judge and their confession4 ,,chapter ,,xxvi ,among the 8incidents0 that stand out from the dim1 miserable smudge of fifteen months1 is one that centres about a strange figure1 and a most lovable fellow1 named ,angus ,hamilton4 ,various odd fish drifted on to the paper as reporters1 and drifted off again2 they form part of an unimportant kaleidoscope4 ,but ,angus ,hamilton1 with his generosity1 his startling habits1 his undoubted ability1 his sad and sudden end1 stands out4 ,my position had improved since the publication of the ,boyde story1 chiefly1 of course1 because of the way the peerage had been dragged into its details and its headlines4 ,i received no advance in salary1 but ,i received an advance in respect4 ,even ,mc,cloy was different3 8,why waste your time with us80 he spat at me like a machine-gun with a rapid smile4 8,go home4 ,collect a lot of umbrellas and turned-up trousers and letters of introduction4 ,then come out to #8visit the ,states1' marry an heiress1 and go home and live in comfort60 ,he was very lenient to my numerous mistakes4 ,other papers 8got a beat0 on me1 ,i 8fell down0 times without number1 ,i failed to get an interview with all and sundry because ,i could not find 8the nerve0 to intrude at certain moments into the lives and griefs of others4 ,but ,mc,cloy winked the other eye1 even if he never raised my pay4 ,other men were sacked out of hand4 ,i stayed on4 8,you've got a pull with ,mac60 said 8,whitey40 ,new men took the places of the lost4 ,among these ,i noticed an ,englishman4 ,cooper noticed him too4 8,better share an umbrella and go arm in arm10 he said in his good-natured way4 8,he's a fellow-,britisher40 ,why he came to ,new ,york ,i never understood4 ,he was a stepson of ,pinero1 the playwright1 and he received occasional moneys from ,daniel ,frohman1 by way of allowance1 ,i supposed1 though ,i never knew exactly4 ,clever though he was1 he was a worse reporter than myself--because he didn't care two straws whether he got the news or did not get it4 ,he had a 8pull0 of some sort1 with ,laffan probably1 we thought4 ,he came to our boarding-house in ,east #aith ,street4 ,he had a bad stammer4 ,his methods of reporting were peculiar to himself4 ,often enough1 when sent out on a distasteful assignment1 he simply went home4 ,he had literary talent and wrote well when he liked4 ,when ,frohman handed out his money1 he spent it in giving a big dinner to various friends1 though he never included ,kay1 ,louis1 or myself among his distinguished guests4 ,we had no dress-suits1 for one thing4 ,hamilton was perhaps twenty-one at the time1 a trifle younger than myself1 at any rate4 ,he came downstairs sometimes to spend the evening in our room4 ,in spite of his stammer and a certain shyness1 he was always very welcome4 ,he liked1 above all1 to listen to weird stories ,i used to tell1 strange1 wild1 improbable tales akin to ghost-stories4 ,when the ,black ,mass failed to attract1 when ,louis was uninspired by absinthe1 or when no argument was afoot1 such as whether poet or scientist were the highest type of human being1 ,i discovered this taste for spinning yarns1 usually of a ghostly character1 and found1 to my surprise1 that my listeners were enthralled4 ,at a moment's notice1 no theme or idea being in my head1 ,i found that ,i could invent a tale1 with beginning1 middle and climax4 ,something in me1 doubtless1 sought a natural outlet4 ,the stories1 at any rate1 poured forth endlessly4 8,may ,i write that one80 ,hamilton would ask4 8,it's a corker60 ,and he would bring his written version to read to us a few evenings later4 8,it ought to sell10 he said1 though ,i never heard that it did sell actually4 ,certainly1 it never occurred to me that ,i might write and sell it myself4 ,and ,angus ,hamilton is mentioned here because it was owing to a chance act of his that ,i eventually took to writing and so found my liberty4 ,this happened some twelve years later1 when ,i was living in a room in ,halsey ,street1 ,chelsea1 sweating my life out in the dried milk business and earning barely enough at the job to make both ends meet4 ,a hansom stopped suddenly near me in ,piccadilly ,circus1 its occupant shouted my name1 then sprang out--,angus ,hamilton4 ,he came round to my room for a talk over old days2 he had done well for himself as ,reuter's correspondent in the ,manchurian ,war1 had published a book on ,korea1 and was just off to ,china1 again as ,reuter's agent4 ,he reminded me of the stories ,i used to tell in the ,new ,york boarding-house4 ,i had written some of these1 a couple of dozen perhaps1 and they lay in a cupboard4 ,could he see them8 ,might he take them away and read them8 ,it had been my habit and delight to spend my evenings composing yarns on my typewriter1 finding more pleasure in this than in any dinner engagement1 theatre or concert4 ,why this suddenly began ,i cannot say1 but ,i guess at a venture that the accumulated horror of the years in ,new ,york was seeking expression4 ,wandering in ,richmond ,park at night was the only rival entertainment that could tempt me from the joy of typing out some tale or other in solitude4 8,jimbo0 ,i had already written twice1 several of the 8,john ,silence0 tales as well1 and numerous other queer ghostly stories of one sort or another4 ,from among these last ,hamilton took a dozen or so away with him1 but forgot to send them back as he had promised4 ,he had gone to ,china1 ,i supposed1 and the matter had slipped his mind4 ,it didn't matter much--,i went on writing others2 the stories were no good to anybody1 the important thing being the relief and keen pleasure ,i found in their expression4 ,but some weeks later a letter came from a publisher3 8,i have read your book4444 ,my reader tells me 4440 this and that 8about your stories4444 ,i shall be glad to publish them for you 44410 and then a few words about a title and a request that ,i would call for an interview4 ,it was some little time before ,i realized what the publisher was talking about4 ,hamilton1 without asking permission1 had sent my stories to him4 ,eveleigh ,nash was the publisher1 and his reader at that time was ,maude ,ffoulkes1 who later wrote ,lady ,cardigan's ,memoirs1 numerous other biographies1 also 8,my ,own ,past10 and to whom ,i owe an immense debt for unfailing guidance1 help and encouragement from that day to this4 ,i never forget my shrinking fear at the idea of appearing in print1 my desire to use another name1 my feeling that it was all a mistake somewhere1 the idea that ,i should have a book of my own published being too absurd to accept as true4 ,my relief when1 eventually1 the papers gave it briefest possible mention1 a few words of not unkindly praise or blame1 ,i remember too1 and my astonishment1 some weeks later1 to find a column in the ,spectator1 followed not long afterwards by an interesting article in the ,literary ,page of the ,morning ,post on the genus 8ghost story10 based on my book--by ,hilaire ,belloc1 as he told me years later4 ,all of which prompted me to try another book 444 and after the third1 8,john ,silence10 had appeared1 to renounce a problematical fortune in dried milk1 and with typewriter and kit-bag1 to take my precious new liberty out to the ,jura ,mountains where1 at frs4 #d4ej a day1 ,i lived in reasonable comfort and wrote more books4 ,i was then thirty-six4 ,whether ,i should be grateful to my fellow-reporter on the ,evening ,sun is another matter4 ,liberty is priced above money1 at any rate4 ,i have written some twenty books1 but the cash received for these1 though it has paid for rent1 for food1 for clothing1 separately1 has never been enough to pay for all three together1 even on the most modest scale of living1 and my returns1 both from ,america and ,england1 remain still microscopic4 ,angus ,hamilton ,i never saw again4 ,a year or so later1 while on a lecture tour in ,new ,york1 things apparently went wrong with him4 ,life drove against him in some way4 ,he put a sudden end to himself4 ,it seems strange to me now that so few incidents1 and those such trivial ones1 stand out from the long months of newspaper work in ,new ,york4 ,harrowing and dreadful stories1 appalling in their evidence of human degradation1 or poignant beyond words in their revelation of misery1 temptation1 failure1 were my daily experience week after week1 month after month4 ,i might now have bulky scrap-books packed with thrilling plots of every kind1 all taken from life4 ,my affair with ,boyde1 moreover1 had taught me how much of curious psychological interest lay behind the most ordinary arrest for a commonplace crime4 ,yet1 of all these thousands of cases1 ,i remember hardly a single one1 while of uninteresting assignments ,cooper gave me several still live vividly in my memory4 ,social reporting1 in particular1 both amused and distressed me1 for which reasons probably it has not faded4 ,sitting in the lobby at ,sherry's or ,delmonico's when a ball or society function was in progress and taking the names of the guests as they entered1 taking the snubs and rudeness of these gay1 careless folk as well1 was not calculated to add much to my self-respect4 ,the lavish evidence of money1 the excess1 often the atrocious taste1 even stirred red socialism in me1 although this lasted only till ,i was out in the street again4 ,various connexions1 distant or otherwise1 of my family often1 too1 visited ,new ,york1 while more than one had married an ,american girl of prominent name4 ,it was odd to see ,lord ,ava1 ,dufferin's eldest son1 walk up the steps1 and odder still to jot down his name upon the list of 8those present40 ,there was an ,american woman1 too1 who bore my mother's name4444 ,to see any of these people was the last thing on earth ,i wished1 much less to speak to them or be recognized2 they were in another world to mine2 none the less1 ,i had odd sensations when ,i saw them4444 ,a ball of deaf-mutes1 too1 remains very clear1 only the shuffling sound of boots1 and of the big drum whose heavy vibrations through their feet enabled them to keep time1 breaking the strange hush of the dancing throng1 for ever gesticulating with busy fingers4 ,a much-coveted annual assignment once came my way1 through the kindness of ,mc,cloy1 ,i think--the visit to the winter quarters of ,barnum and ,bailey's ,circus4 ,every newspaper was invited2 the animals were inspected2 an article was written2 and the circus opened its yearly tour with immense advertisements4 ,in the evening there was a--banquet6 ,i came home in the early hours with my pockets stuffed for ,kay and ,louis--cigars1 fruit1 rolls1 and all imaginable edibles that might bear the transport4 ,but the occasion is clear for another reason--elephants and rats4 ,the keeper told us that the elephants were terrified of rats because they feared the little beasts would run up their trunks4 ,we doubted his story4 ,he offered to prove it4 ,in the huge barn where some twenty-five monsters stood1 chained by the feet against the walls1 he emptied a sackful of live rats4 ,the stampede1 the trumpeting of those frightened elephants is not easily forgotten4 ,in the centre of the great barn stood masses of hay cut into huge square blocks1 and the sight of us climbing for safety to the top of these slippery1 precariously balanced piles of hay is not easily forgotten either4 ,the raid at dawn upon a quasi lunatic asylum1 kept by an unqualified man1 should have left sharper impressions than is the case1 for it was certainly dramatic and sinister enough4 ,word came to the office that a quack 8doctor0 was keeping a private ,home for ,lunatics at ,amityville1 ,l4,i41 and that sane people1 whom interested parties wished out of the way1 were incarcerated among the inmates4 ,the ,health ,department were going to raid it at dawn4 ,it was to be a 8scoop0 for the ,evening ,sun1 and the assignment was given to me4 ,i started while it was still dark1 crossing the deserted ferry long before the sun was up1 but when ,i reached the lonely house1 surrounded by fields and a few scattered trees1 ,i found that every newspaper in the city was represented4 ,even the flimsy men were there1 all cursing their fate in the chilly air of early morning4 ,no lights showed in the building4 ,the eastern sky began to flush4 ,with the first glimmer of dawn ,i saw the sheriff's men at their various posts1 hiding behind trees and hedges1 some crouching under the garden shrubberies1 some concealed even on the veranda of the house4 ,after a long and weary wait1 the house began to stir2 shutters were taken down2 a window1 then a door1 were thrown open2 figures became visible moving inside from room to room2 and presently someone came out on to the veranda4 ,he was instantly seized and taken away4 ,after several men and women had been arrested in this way1 a general raid of the whole house took place4 ,a dozen of the sheriff's men rushed in4 ,the nurses1 male and female1 the 8doctor0-proprietor1 his assistants1 and every single inmate1 sane or crazy1 were all caught and brought out under arrest1 before they had tasted breakfast4 ,it was broad daylight by this time4 ,the whole party1 of at least thirty1 were assembled in a barn where a magistrate1 brought down specially for the purpose1 held an impromptu court4 ,if some of the inmates were insane at the time and had been so before incarceration1 others certainly had been deliberately made insane by the harsh and cruel treatment to which they had purposely been subjected4 ,there were painful episodes1 while the testimony was hurriedly listened to in that improvised court of inquiry4 ,yet it has all1 all vanished from my memory4 ,i forget even what the sequel was1 or what sentence the infamous proprietor received later on from a properly-constituted court4 ,many a sane man or woman had been rendered crazy by the treatment1 ,i remember1 and the quack had taken heavy payments from interested relatives for this purpose4 ,but all details have vanished from my mind4 ,what chiefly remains is the wonder of that breaking dawn1 the light stealing over the sky1 the sweet smell of the country and the tang of the salt sea4 ,these1 with the singing of the early birds1 and the great yearnings they stirred in me1 left deep impressions4 ,one reason1 ,i am sure1 why such painful and dramatic incidents have left so little trace1 is that ,i had a way of shielding myself from the unpleasantness of them1 so that their horror or nastiness1 as the case might be1 never really got into me deeply4 ,by a method of 8detachment10 as mentioned earlier1 ,i protected my sensitive inner self from being too much wounded4 ,i would depute just sufficient intelligence and observation to attend to the immediate work in hand1 while the rest of me1 the major portion1 lay inactive1 uninvolved1 certainly inoperative4 ,painful and vivid impressions were1 none the less1 received1 of course1 only ,i refused to admit or recognize them4 ,they emerged1 years later1 in stories perhaps1 these suppressed hieroglyphics1 but at the actual time ,i could so protect myself that ,i did not consciously record them4 ,and hence1 ,i think1 my faint recollection now of a thousand horrible experiences during these ,new ,york reporting days4 ,this 8detachment10 in the ignorant way ,i used it1 was1 perhaps1 nothing less than shirking of the unpleasant4 ,at twenty-three ,i had not yet discovered that better method which consists in facing the unpleasant without reservation or evasion1 while raising the energy thus released into a higher channel1 8transmuting0 it1 as the jargon of #aibb describes it4 8,detachment10 however1 even in its earliest stages1 and provided it does not remain merely where it starts1 is an acquisition not without value2 it can lead1 at any rate1 to interesting and curious experiments4 ,it deputes the surface-consciousness1 or sufficient of it1 to deal with some disagreeable little matter in hand1 while the subconscious or major portion of the self--for those who are aware of possessing it--may travel and go free4 ,it is1 ,i think1 ,bligh ,bond1 in his 8,gate of ,remembrance10 who mentions that the automatic writer whose revelations are there given1 read a book aloud while his hand with the pencil wrote4 ,many a literary man1 whose inspiration depends upon the stirrings of this mysterious subconscious region1 knows that to read a dull book1 or talk to a dull person1 engages just enough of his surface consciousness to set the other portion free4 ,reading verse--though not poetry1 of course--has this effect2 for some1 a cinema performance1 with the soothing dimness1 the music1 the ever-shifting yet not too arresting pictures1 works the magic2 for others1 light music2 for others1 again1 looking out of a train window4 ,there are as many ways as individuals4 ,to listen to ,mrs4 de ,montmorency ,smith telling her tedious dream1 while you hear just enough to comment intelligently upon her endless details1 even using some of these details to feed your own more valuable dream1 is an admirable method--,i am told2 and my own childish habit of squeezing 8through the crack between yesterday and to-morrow0 in that horrible bed of ,east #aith ,street1 merely happened to be my own little personal adaptation of the principle4444 ,incidents that had held a touch of comedy remain more clearly in the memory than those that held ugliness and horror only4 ,a member of the ,reichstag ,central ,party1 for instance1 ,rector ,ahlwardt by name1 came out to conduct a campaign against the ,jews4 ,he was violently anti-semitic4 ,i was sent to meet his steamer at ,quarantine because ,i could speak ,german1 and my instructions were to warn him that ,america was a free country1 that the ,jews were honourable and respected citizens1 and that abuse would not be tolerated for a moment4 ,these instructions ,i carried out1 while we drank white wine in the steamer's smoking-room4 ,freytag1 ,i noticed with amusement1 himself a ,jew1 was there for the ,staatszeitung4 ,ahlwardt1 however1 was impervious to advice or warnings4 ,at his first big meeting in the ,cooper ,union ,hall1 arriving late1 ,i noticed at once two things3 the seats were packed with ,jews1 while almost as many policemen stood about waiting2 and the reporters' tables underneath the platform showed several open umbrellas4 ,both1 ,i knew1 were ominous signs4 ,ahlwardt himself1 fat1 beaming1 in full evening dress1 was already haranguing the huge audience4 ,at first he was suave and gentle1 even mealy-mouthed1 but before long his prejudices mastered him and his language changed4 ,up rose a member of the audience and advised him angrily to go back to ,germany4 ,the police ejected the interrupter4 ,others took his place4 ,then suddenly the fusillade began--and up went the reporters' umbrellas6 ,a flying egg caught the speaker full on his white shirt-front1 another yellowed his dazzling white waistcoat1 a third smashed over his fat face4 ,pandemonium reigned1 during which the ,german melted out of the landscape and disappeared from his first and last anti-semite meeting in ,noo ,york ,city4 ,he attempted a little propaganda from the safe distance of ,hoboken1 ,n4,j41 but the ,press campaign against him was so violent and covered him with such ridicule1 that he very soon took steamer back to his ,berlin4 ,every little detail of this incident1 were it worth the telling1 ,i could give accurately4 ,there was no reason to be 8detached10 unless the protection of the ,world man's umbrella comes under that description4 ,it was somewhere about this time1 too1 that another trivial incident occurred1 refusing to be forgotten4 ,it1 again1 increased the respect shown to me by the staff of the paper--,americans being truly democratic6--though it did not increase my salary4 ,a belted earl left his card on me4 ,coming in breathless from some assignment1 ,i saw ,mc,cloy staring at me4 8,is this for you80 he asked sarcastically1 handing me a visiting-card4 ,a brother-in-law1 8,his ,excellency0 into the bargain1 8,governor of an ,australian ,province0 to which he was then on his way1 had climbed those narrow spiral stairs and asked for me4 ,the letters after his name alone were enough to produce a commotion in that democratic atmosphere4444 ,he was staying at the ,brevoort ,house1 and he certainly behaved 8like a man10 thought ,kay and ,i1 as we enjoyed more than one good dinner at his expense in the hotel4 ,proud of me he had certainly no cause to be1 but if he felt ashamed1 equally1 he gave no sign of it4 ,he even spoke on my behalf to ,paul ,dana1 the editor-proprietor's son1 who assured him that ,i was 8a bright fellow0--a description the staff managed to get hold of somehow and applied to me ever afterwards4 ,his brief visit1 both because of its kindness and its general good effect1 stand out1 at any rate1 in the 8bright fellow's0 memory4 ,like ,dufferin in the ,hub1 he fired a shot for me4 ,the months dragged by in their dreary1 hated length1 while numerous chances of getting more congenial work were tried in vain4 ,torrid summer heat1 with its all-dissolving humidity1 replaced the bitter winter4 ,the deep1 baked streets that never cooled1 the stifling nights1 the heat-waves when the temperature stood between #ij and #ajj in the shade1 and we toiled about the blazing pavements in shirt-sleeves carrying a palm-leaf fan1 and when the moisture in the air made the very 8copy-paper0 stick to the hand that wrote upon it--those four months of ,new ,york summer were a misery4 ,we had only our winter clothes to wear2 a white collar was dirty pulp before nine in the morning2 the dazzling electric-light sign flashed nightly in the air above #bcrd ,street with its tempting legend 8,manhattan ,beach ,swept by ,ocean ,breezes10 while the ice-carts in the streets were the nearest approach to comfort we could find4 ,many a time ,i followed one at close quarters to taste a whiff of cooler air4 ,life became unendurable1 yet day followed day1 night followed night1 week followed week1 till one's last breath of energy seemed exhausted by the steaming furnace of the city air4 ,the respectable quarters of the town were1 of course1 deserted1 but the ,east ,side1 and the poorer parts1 became a gigantic ant-heap1 thousands of families sleeping on the balconies of the packed tenement houses1 as though a whole underground-world had risen suddenly to the surface4 ,children died by the hundred2 there were heat strokes by the score4 ,it was too hot to eat4 ,reporting in such weather was a trying business4444 ,a reporter was entitled to a fortnight's holiday in the year1 and though none was due to me1 ,mc,cloy let me go about the middle of ,october4 ,i procured a railway pass and went off to ,haliburton1 ,ontario1 to spend my precious twelve days with a settler in the backwoods4 ,he was a ,scotsman ,i had met during our island days1 and ,haliburton was not far from our own delightful lake4444 ,on my way back the cable came telling of my father's death while being brought home from ,ems4 ,i was spending the night with an old friend of his1 in ,hamilton1 ,ont41 where he had a church4 ,originally in the navy1 the evangelical movement had 8converted0 him1 and he had taken to it with such zeal that a church and parish became a necessity of life4 ,he was sincere and sympathetic1 and the bad news could have come to me in no better place4 ,the next day ,i returned to ,new ,york and resumed my life of reporting on the paper4444 ,the elections had been fought1 and ,tammany was beaten1 a wave of ,republicanism sweeping both ,state and ,city4 ,a ,committee of ,investigation1 under ,senator ,lexow1 was appointed to examine into the methods of ,tammany ,hall1 and for weeks ,i sat in court while the testimony was taken1 and the most amazing stories of crime1 corruption1 wickedness and horror ,i ever heard were told by one 8protected0 witness after another4 ,it brought to light a veritable ,reign of ,terror4 ,john ,goff was prosecuting counsel2 he became ,recorder1 in place of ,judge ,smythe1 as his reward4 ,boss ,croker1 head of ,tammany1 was conveniently in ,england and could not be subpnaed4 ,other leaders1 similarly1 were well out of reach4 ,tammany1 it was proved up to the hilt1 had extorted an annual income of fifteen million dollars in illegal contributions from vice4 ,the court was a daily theatre in which incredible melodrama and tragedy were played4 ,with this thrilling exception1 the work ,i had to do remained the same as before 444 a second ,christmas came round 444 another spring began to melt the gloomy skies4 ,conditions1 it is true1 were a little easier1 for ,louis had left us and ,kay was earning ten or fifteen dollars a week in ,exchange ,place1 but by ,march or ,april1 the eighteen months of underfeeding and trying work had brought me1 personally1 to the breaking point4444 ,it was late in ,april ,i read that gold had been found in the ,rainy ,river district which lay in the far north-western corner of ,ontario1 the river of that name being the frontier between ,minnesota ,state and ,canada4 ,the paragraph stating the fact was in a ,sunday paper ,i read on my way to ,bronx ,park1 and the instant ,i saw it my mind was made up4 ,it was spring1 the primitive instinct to strike camp and move on was in the blood1 a nostalgia for the woods was in it too1 and the prospect of another torrid1 moist summer in the city at #ae a week was more than ,i could face4 ,that scrap of news1 at any rate1 decided me4 ,and1 truth to tell1 it was not so much the lure of gold that called me1 as the lure of the wilderness4 ,i longed to see the big trees again1 to smell the old naked earth1 to hear water falling and feel the great winds blow4444 ,it was an irresistible call4 ,my one terror1 as when ,i decided to buy the dairy two years before1 was that someone would tell me there was no gold1 that it was not worth going1 or would prevent me in some other way4 ,i deliberately hid from myself all unfavourable information1 while ,i collected all possible items that might justify my intention4 ,that same night ,i showed the paragraph to ,kay4 8,i'll go10 he said at once1 8but let's get a third1 a fourth too1 if we can40 ,he mentioned ,paxton1 an engineer1 aged #ce1 who had just lost all his worldly possessions in speculation4 ,paxton said he would come with us4 ,the fourth was ,r4,m41 son of the clergyman in ,hamilton4 ,r4,m41 whose father was brother to a belted earl1 was an insurance agent1 and making a good living at his job4 ,he was my own age1 also my own height4 ,he was1 besides1 a heavy-weight amateur boxer of considerable prowess1 and his favourite time for holding bouts in the ring was ,sunday evenings1 to which fact a rival clergyman had recently taken occasion to refer slightingly in his own pulpit4 ,r4,m41 resenting the slur both upon himself and his father1 had waited outside the church door one ,sunday after the evening service1 and when the clergyman emerged had asked for an apology--a public one in the pulpit4 ,on being met with an indignant refusal1 ,r4,m4 invited the other to 8put 'em up40 ,the thrashing that followed produced a great scandal in the little town1 and ,r4,m4 found the place too hot to hold him4 ,he therefore jumped at the idea of the goldfields4 ,the arrangements were made1 of course1 by letter1 and took some little time2 but on a given morning in early ,may ,r4,m4 was to join our train as it passed through ,hamilton4 ,i had been able to procure passes for the lot of us as far as ,duluth1 some fifteen hundred miles distant1 on ,lake ,superior1 and from there we should have to travel another hundred and fifty miles by canoe down the ,vermilion ,river to ,rainy ,lake ,city1 for the foundations of which the forest1 ,i read1 had already been partially cleared4 ,several further articles had appeared in the papers2 it was a gorgeous country1 men were flocking in1 and the ,bank of ,montreal had established a branch in a temporary shack4 ,moreover1 as mentioned before1 it was spring4 ,that a man of ,paxton's age and experience should have made this long expedition without first satisfying himself that it was likely to be worth while1 has always puzzled me4 ,he was an easy-going1 good-natured man1 whose full figure proclaimed that he liked the good things of life4 ,but he was in grave difficulties1 graver perhaps than ,i ever knew1 and ,i think he was not sorry to contemplate a trip across the border4 ,his attitude1 at any rate1 was that he 8didn't care a rap so long as ,i get out of here40 ,that ,kay and myself and ,r4,m4 should take the adventure was natural enough1 for none of us had anything to lose1 and1 whatever happened1 we should 8get along somehow10 and even out of the frying-pan into the fire was better than the summer furnace of the city4 ,r4,m4 wrote that he had a hundred dollars1 ,paxton produced fifty1 ,i supplied the railway passes and added my last salary1 together with some eight dollars that ,ikey ,no4 #b was persuaded to hand over4 8,send some stuff along10 fired ,mc,cloy1 opening his eyes a little wider than usual when ,i told him4 8,any hot stuff you get ,i'll use40 ,it has already been told how ,kay missed the train by a few minutes1 and how ,whitey1 waving his parting present of a bottle of ,bourbon whisky1 was the final picture ,paxton and ,i had of ,new ,york ,city as the evening train pulled out4 ,,chapter ,,xxvii ,some people1 examining the alternate ups and downs of life1 have thought to detect a rhythm in it3 like every other expression of energy1 from heat to history1 from sound to civilization1 it moves1 they think1 with a definite wave-length4 ,the down and up1 the hollow of the wave and its crest1 follow one another in rhythmical sequence4 ,it is an imaginary notion doubtless1 though it applied to my life aptly enough at this time apparently3 the ,toronto misery1 the ,island happiness2 the ,new ,york hell1 the ,backwoods heaven4 ,i think1 when ,i wrote home the literal truth3 8,i can't stand this reporting life any longer4 ,i'm off to the goldfields1 and ,mc,cloy has asked me to write articles for the paper10 there lay a vague idea in me that these goldfields would prove somehow to be comic goldfields1 and that the expedition would be somewhere farcical4 ,i was so eager1 so determined to go1 that ,i camouflaged from myself every unfavourable aspect of the trip4 ,green1 being still my predominant colour1 was used freely in this camouflage4 ,it was only afterwards ,i realized how delightfully ,i fooled myself4 ,yet it was true1 at the same time1 that a deep inner necessity drove irresistibly4 ,the city life was killing something in me1 something in the soul3 get out or go under1 was my feeling4 ,how easy it would have been to go under was a daily thought4 ,far better men than myself proved it all round me every week4 ,it seemed1 indeed1 the natural1 obvious thing to do for an educated1 refined ,englishman without character who found himself adrift from home influences in this amazing city--to sink into the general scum of failures and outcasts1 to yield to one of the many ansthetics ,new ,york so lavishly provided1 to find temporary relief1 a brief wild-eyed happiness1 oblivion1 then1 not long afterwards1 death4 ,the draw of the woods1 the call of the open air1 moreover1 always potent1 had become insistent4 ,spring added its aching nostalgia that burned like a fever in my veins4 ,thus various influences1 some positive1 some negative1 combined to make me feel that anything was better than the drudgery of my wretched ,new ,york life1 and the goldfields merely offered a plausible excuse4 ,if ,i made blinkers with my own hands1 ,i made them effectively at least4 ,deep out of sight in the personality there hides1 perhaps1 some overseer who1 watching wisely the turns of fate1 makes such blinkers1 ensuring their perfect fit as well4444 ,there was a nice feeling1 of course1 that if one went to a goldfield1 one picked up gold4 ,shaking sand in a shining pan beside a rushing river was a picture in the mind4 ,there were wild men1 friends and enemies2 there were ,indians too2 but also there were sunsets1 tempests1 dawns and stars4 ,it would be liberty and happiness4 ,i should see the moon rise in clear1 sweet air above the rim of primval woods4 ,i should cook bacon over an open fire of wood4 ,there would be no grinning ,chinaman to pay for laundry4444 ,the men with whom ,i was going were not entirely satisfactory4 ,i knew them slightly1 for one thing2 for another1 the chief drawback1 they were going in a very different mood from mine4 ,their one object was to make their fortunes4 ,it was real gold1 and not the glamour of the wilderness1 that called them2 and in the ,emigrant ,sleeper1 as we journeyed towards ,duluth1 they sketched their plans with intense enthusiasm3 ,paxton1 the engineer1 explained puzzlingly1 with the aid of matches1 a trolley he would construct for bringing the ore from pit to crusher1 while ,r4,m41 with reckless immorality1 enlarged upon the profits he would derive from running a 8joint0 of desperate sort--8for no one need know that my father's a clergyman1 and my uncle in the ,house of ,lords40 ,both men were shadows2 they were not real2 there was no companionship in them for me1 at any rate4 ,that they were fellow-travellers for the moment on a trip ,i did not care about making alone1 was sufficient4 ,i would just as soon have gone with ,mc,cloy or a ,tombs policeman4 ,what constitutes one person out of a hundred 8real10 the other ninety-nine shadows1 is hard to define1 but an instinct in me has ever picked out that 8real0 one4 ,with him or her ,i know instantly my life is going to be unavoidably linked3 through love or hate1 through happiness or trouble1 perhaps through none of these1 but with the conviction that a service has to be rendered or accepted1 a debt1 as it were1 to be paid or received1 a link at any rate that cannot be broken or evaded4 ,such real people are to be counted on the fingers of one hand3 ,r4,m4 and ,paxton were certainly not among them4 ,nor1 for that matter1 was my friend ,kay1 who1 ,i am reasonably positive1 missed the train on purpose2 while1 curiously enough1 ,boyde1 that trivial criminal1 was among them4 ,had ,kay1 for instance1 done what that cheap ruffian did1 ,i should never have taken the trouble to arrest or punish him4444 ,the comic opera touch began with ,whitey racing down the platform waving a bottle of rye whisky2 it continued next morning when we picked up ,r4,m4 at eight o'clock4 ,our train stopped at ,hamilton1 ,ont41 for five minutes4 ,we craned our heads out of the window and saw a party of young fellows with flushed faces and singing voices1 and on their shoulders in the early sunshine the inert figure of a huge man without a hat4 ,they recognized me and heaved him into our compartment1 where he slept soundly for two hours until we had left ,toronto far behind4 8,ouch6 ,ouch60 said ,paxton--it was about all 8engineer ,paxton0 ever did say--8,is that ,r4,m480 ,they had never met before4 ,we took the money out of his pocket for safety's sake1 and it proved to be more than his promised contribution4 ,his friends had indeed given him a send-off1 and the all-night poker had proved lucrative4 ,it was a long1 long journey to ,duluth1 with heartening glimpses from the window1 of river1 lake and forest1 all touched with 8spring's delightful weather40 ,shelley filled my head and heart4 ,i saw dawn in a vale of the ,indian ,caucasus1 ,i saw ,panthea1 ,asia1 fleeting dryads and troops of happy fauns4 ,out of ,new ,york ,city into this primval wilderness produced intoxication4 ,no more cities of dreadful night for me6 ,the repressed1 unrealized yearnings of many painful months burst forth in a kind of rapture4 ,riches can never taste the treasures of relief and change provided by the law of contrast4 ,to be free to go everywhere is tantamount to going nowhere1 to be able to do everything is to do nothing4 ,without school1 holidays could have no meaning4 ,the intensity of escape1 with all the gorgeous emotions it involves1 is hardly possible to the big bank-balances4 ,i thought of the overheated ,sun offices1 and saw cool1 silent woods2 of thronged canyon-streets between cliffs of buildings1 and saw lonely gorges where the deer stole down to drink in quiet pools2 of ,mrs4 ,bernstein's room1 and saw green glades of beauty1 a ceiling of blue sky1 walls of hemlock1 spruce and cedar4 ,the ,may sunlight made the whole world sing1 as the train rushed through the wilderness of the ,ontario ,highlands4 ,it woke a kind of lyrical delight in me4 8,the day seemed one sent from beyond the skies1 that shed to earth1 above the sun1 a light of ,paradise40 ,paxton1 with his puzzling matches1 found me absent-minded and irresponsive to his 8ouch6 ouch60 and ,r4,m41 suffering from a bad 8hang-over0 headache1 thought me unsympathetic toward his disreputable joint4 ,more clearly than the matches1 or the profit and loss figures of the joint1 ,i remember the three bullets lying on the palm of the engineer's fat open hand4 ,his solemn gravity depressed ,r4,m4 ,it infected me a little too4 ,why in the world should he be so serious8 8,if we fail1 boys10 said the engineer laconically1 as he looked down with grim significance at the three bullets1 8,i for one--shall not return40 ,he put a bullet in his pocket1 he handed one to ,r4,m41 the third he passed to me4 8,is it a deal80 he asked1 speaking as one who had come to the end of his tether1 which1 indeed1 perhaps really was the case4 ,we pocketed our bullets anyhow1 and told him gravely3 8,yes1 it's a deal40 ,we shook hands on it4 ,it was all in the proper spirit of gold-seeking adventure1 begad6 and the comic-opera touch1 so far as ,i was concerned1 had not yet quite fully appeared4 ,i had cut loose from everything4 ,i felt as though ,i were jumping off the rim of the planet into unknown space4 ,it was a delightful1 reckless1 half naughty1 half childish1 feeling4 8,to hell with civilization60 was its note4 ,at the back of the mind lay a series of highly-coloured pictures3 ,men made fortunes in a night1 human life was cheap1 six-shooters lay beside tin mugs at camp-fire breakfasts1 and bags of 8dust0 were tossed across faro-tables from one desperado in a broad-brimmed hat to another who was either an ,oxford don incognito1 or an unfrocked clergyman1 or a younger son concealing tragic beauty in an over-cultured heart1 with perhaps an unclaimed title on his strawberry-marked skin4 ,r4,m41 too1 was forever talking about staking claims3 8,we'll get grub-staked by some fellow4444 ,if we only pan a few ounces per day it'll mean success 4440 to all of which ,paxton emitted his 8,ouch6 ,ouch60 as a strong man who said little because he preferred action to words4 ,i1 meanwhile1 had no accurate information to supply1 though ,i was the promoter of the expedition4 ,i paraded the newspaper accounts4 ,they were of little use4 ,nothing1 in fact1 was of any use4 ,we were in different worlds4 ,they were in an ,emigrant ,sleeper skirting the shores of ,lake ,superior4 ,i was on the look-out for the ,witch of ,atlas1 wandering through the pine forest of the ,cascine near ,pisa1 dreaming in the ,indian ,caucasus1 or watching ,serchio's stream4 ,even 8,ouch6 ,ouch60 could not keep me in ,ontario for long4 ,it all lies down the wrong end of that ever-lengthening telescope now1 our trip to the ,rainy ,river ,gold ,fields4 ,happy1 careless1 foolish days of sunlight1 liberty1 wood-smoke and virgin wilderness4 ,useless days1 of course1 yet sweetly perfumed as in a dream of fairyland4 ,i revelled in them4 ,new ,york was still close enough to lend them some incredible glamour by contrast4 ,that no gold came our way was nothing1 that the days came to an end was bitter4 ,fading into mist1 behind veils of blue smoke1 yet lit by sheets of burning sunshine1 lies the faint outline still4 ,each year drops another gauze curtain over an entrancing and ridiculous adventure that for my companions was disappointingly empty1 but to me was filled to the brim with wonder and delight4 ,a few sharp pictures1 rather disconnected1 defy both veils and curtains1 set against a dim background of wild forest1 a blue winding river with strange red shores1 swift rapids1 and cosy camp-fires at dawn1 at sunset1 beneath the stars1 beneath the moon4 ,the stillness of those grand woods is unforgettable2 the voice of the river was unceasing1 yet broke no silence2 the smells of balsam1 resinous pitch-pine1 cedar smoke rise like incense above the memory of it all4 ,duluth was all agog with excitement1 and in every shop-window hung blue-prints of the ,el ,dorado we were bound for4 ,two big-bladed hunting-knives1 a second-hand ,marlin rifle for #h1 a ,smith and ,wesson revolver1 were our weapons4 ,i already had a six-shooter1 given to me by the ,tombs ,court police4 ,it had killed a negro1 and ,i had reported the murder trial resulting4 ,three blankets had to be bought1 a canoe1 and provisions for the week's trip down the ,vermilion ,river--tea1 bacon1 flour1 biscuits1 salt and sugar4 ,r4,m4 had a small 8,a0 tent with him large enough to hold three2 an old1 high-prowed bark canoe was purchased from an ,indian for #f2 but our money did not run to ,hudson ,bay blankets1 and the cheap1 thin coverings we bought proved poor protection in those frosty nights of early ,may4 ,we picked up a guide too1 a half-breed named ,gallup4 ,he was going to ,rainy ,lake ,city in any case1 and agreed to show us the portages and rapids for two dollars a day each way4 ,he justified his name4 ,he galloped4 ,he had a slim-nosed ,maine cedar-wood canoe that oiled along into the daily head-wind with easy swiftness1 whereas ,r4,m4 and myself in our high-prowed craft found progress slow and steering a heavy toil4 ,the wind caught our big bows like a sail4 ,gallup1 moreover1 sizing us up as ,english greenhorns1 expected good food and lots of whisky1 and1 getting neither1 vented his spleen on us as best he could4 ,his natural evil temper grew steadily worse4 ,there were several ways in which he could have revenge4 ,he used them all4 ,by 8losing his way0 down branch streams he made the journey last eight days instead of five1 yet he went so fast in his neat-nosed craft that it was all ,r4,m4 and ,i could do to keep him in sight at all4 ,the sunlight flashing on his paddle two or three miles ahead1 the canoe itself a mere dark speck in the dazzle of water1 was all we usually had to guide us4 ,paxton1 weary1 much thinner than he had been1 useless as a paddler1 lay in the bottom of the canoe1 leaving all the work to ,gallup4 ,and ,gallup did it1 even with this dead freight against him4 ,to our injunction to make the fellow go slower1 his 8,ouch6 ,ouch60 was quite ineffective4 ,i was careful to keep the provisions in my own canoe1 so that we could not lose him altogether1 and he was faithful in one thing1 that he waited for us at the rapids and portages4 ,what did it matter8 ,the head wind held steadily day after day1 blowing from the north-west through a cloudless sky4 ,everything sparkled1 the air was champagne2 such a winding river of blue ,i had never seen before4 ,every tree wore little fingers of bright fresh green4 ,there was exhilaration and wonder at every turn4 ,burned by the hot sun and wet by the flying spray1 our hands swelled till the knuckles disappeared1 then cracked between the joints till they bled4 ,i steered4 ,r4,m4 sat in the bows4 ,paddling hour after hour against the wind became a mechanical business the muscles attended to automatically4 ,the mind was free to roam4 ,the loneliness was magical1 for it was a peopled loneliness4 ,a start at dawn1 half an hour for lunch1 and camp at sunset was the day's routine4 ,usually we were too exhausted to cook the dwindling bacon1 make the fire1 put up the tent4 ,what did it matter8 ,nothing mattered4 ,each mile was a mile of delight farther from ,new ,york4 ,the trip might last months for all ,i cared4 ,we cursed ,gallup behind his back and to his face4 ,he never even answered4 ,his sulky silence broke only round the evening fire1 when he would tell us appalling tales of murder1 violence and sudden death about the goldfields whither we were bound4 ,it was another form of revenge4 ,the desperadoes1 cutthroats1 and wild hairy men generally who awaited us1 us especially since we were ,english1 hardly belonged to our happy planet4 ,yet he knew them at first hand1 knew them even by name4 ,they would all be on the look-out for us4 ,against several1 for he had his friendly impulses1 he warned us in particular4 ,were we good shots and quick on the trigger8 ,the man who pulled first1 he reminded us1 had the drop on the other fellow4 ,there was a 8stiff0 named ,morris who was peculiarly deadly1 ,morris1 a ,canadian1 who had killed his man in a saloon brawl across the river and had skipped over the border into ,minnesota4 ,morris would be interested in 8guys0 like us4 ,he described him in detail4 ,we looked forward to ,morris4 ,they were cheery camp-fire stories ,gallup told us nightly4 ,we crawled into our chilly tent1 wondering a little1 each in his own thin blanket1 what these hairy men were going to do to 8guys like us40 ,we did not wonder long4 ,sleep came like a clap4 ,at dawn1 the wind just rising1 and the chipmunks dropping fir-cones on to our tent with miniature reports1 the hairy men were all forgotten4 ,it was impossible to hold an ugly thought of any kind4 ,the river sang at our feet1 the sky was pearl and rose1 the air was sharply perfumed with smells of forest and wood-smoke1 and glimpses of sunrise shone everywhere between the trees2 trees that stretched without a break five hundred miles to the shores of ,james ,bay in the arctic seas4 ,we gulped our tea and bacon1 packed tent and blankets1 split open the cracks in our swollen hands1 and launched the canoes upon a crystal river that swirled along in eddies and sheets of colour4 ,sometimes it narrowed to a couple of hundred yards between rugged cliffs where the water raced towards a rapid1 sometimes it broadened into wide1 lake-like spaces2 there were reaches of placid calm2 there were stretches white with tumbling foam4 ,the sun blazed down2 we turned a sharp bend and surprised a deer2 a porcupine waddled up against a pine-stem2 a fish leaped in a golden pool2 birds flashed and vanished2 there was a silence1 a stillness beyond all telling4 ,nuggets1 gold dust1 hairy men1 six-shooters--nothing mattered6 ,it was1 indeed1 this loneliness1 this entire absence of all other human signs1 that gradually betrayed the truth4 ,where was the stream of frenzied gold-seekers8 ,where was the rush the papers mentioned8 ,beyond a few stray ,indians on the fourth day1 we saw no living being4 ,gallup's tales of terror began to lose their sting4 ,of real information he vouchsafed no single item4 ,but who wanted real information8 ,rainy ,lake ,city might be the legendary city of gold that lies beyond the mirages of the ,lybian desert1 for all ,i cared4 ,the ,city of ,new ,york was out of sight4 ,that was the important thing4 ,the series of wild1 lonely camps lie blurred in the composite outline of a single camp2 eight dawns combine into one2 ,i remember clear night-skies ablaze with brilliant stars2 ,i remember the moon rising behind the black wall of forest across the water4 ,all night the river sang and whispered4 ,police courts and ,mrs4 ,bernstein's room hid far away in the dim reaches of some former life4 ,behind these1 again1 lay a shadowy1 forgotten ,kent4 ,there were haunting faces1 veiled by distance1 for a strange remoteness curtained the past with unreality4 ,the wonder of the present dominated4 ,these woods1 this river1 ruled the world1 and somewhere in the heart of that old forest the legendary ,wendigo1 whose history ,i wrote later in a book1 had its awful lair4 ,owing to ,gallup's trick of lengthening the journey1 our food gave out1 but with fish1 venison and partridge it was impossible to starve4 ,the last-named1 a grouse actually1 perches in the branches1 waiting to be shot2 a bullet must take its head off or it is useless for the pot but whizzing bullets do not disturb it1 and several birds1 sitting close together1 can be picked off seriatim4 ,some dried sturgeon we found1 too1 on an island--an ,indian sturgeon fishery--where great odorous strips were hanging in the sun4 ,the braves were away1 and the squaw left in charge was persuaded to sell us slabs of this excellent meat4 ,in a deep1 clear pool some half-dozen living monsters1 hooked by the nose1 turned slowly round and round1 waiting the moment of their death4 ,the island was interesting for another reason--it was an ,indian canoe factory4 ,here the ,redskins built their craft of birchbark1 and a dozen canoes in various stages of completion lay in the broiling sun4444 ,to me it was all visible romance1 adventure1 wonder in the heart of an unspoilt spring1 with ,hiawatha round the next big bend4 ,paxton and ,r4,m4 took another view4444 ,on the eighth night--our last1 had we known it--there was an 8incident40 ,gallup had been unusually silent and extra offensive all day1 had 8galloped0 at top speed1 had refused to answer a single question1 and the idea came to us all three simultaneously that he was not losing his way with the mere object of more money1 but was taking us out of our route with a more sinister purpose4 ,we depended on the fellow entirely2 words or violence were equally useless2 we were quite helpless4 ,he was convinced we carried money1 for no three ,englishmen of our type would make such a trip without it4 ,what was easier1 we whispered to one another1 than to murder us and bury our bodies in the trackless1 lonely forest8 ,we watched him4444 ,that night1 exhausted to the bone1 we camped on a point of wooded shore against the sunset4 ,across the broad reach of water1 three miles away perhaps1 was an ,indian encampment4 ,pointed wigwams and the smoke of many fires were visible2 voices were audible in the distance4 ,the wind had died down as usual with the sun4 ,a deep hush lay over the scene4 ,and1 hardly had we landed1 almost too weary to drag ourselves up the bank1 when ,gallup stepped back into his ,maine canoe and pushed off downstream without a word4 ,he stood upright2 he did not sit or kneel4 ,his figure was outlined one minute against the red sky1 the next his silhouette merged into the dark forest beyond4 ,he disappeared4 ,he had gone1 we agreed1 for one of two reasons3 to get food1 or to return in the dark and pick us off1 much as we picked off the grouse from the branches4 ,we inclined towards the latter theory--and kept eyes and ears wide open4 ,we made a diminutive fire in a hollow1 lest we be too visible in the surrounding darkness4 ,we listened1 watched1 and waited4 ,it was already dusk4 ,the night fell quickly4 ,river and forest became an impenetrable sheet of blackness1 our tiny fire1 almost too small to cook on1 the only speck of light4 ,the stars came out1 peeping through the branches4 ,there was no wind4 ,we shivered in the cold1 listening for every slightest sound 444 and the hours passed4 8,he'll wait till we're asleep10 said ,r4,m41 keeping his eyes open with the greatest difficulty4 ,paxton fingered his revolver and mumbled 8,ouch6 ,ouch60 ,only the cold prevented us falling asleep1 as1 weapons in hand1 we took turns to watch and listen4 ,had we the right to fire the instant we saw a figure8 ,should we wait till the scoundrel made a sign8 ,we discussed endlessly in whispers4 ,though no wind stirred the branches1 the noises in that 8silent0 forest never ceased1 because no forest ever is1 or can be1 really silent4 ,the effort of listening produced them by the dozen4 ,on every side twigs snapped and dry wood crackled4 ,soft1 stealthy footsteps were everywhere on the pine-needles4 ,canoes landed higher up and lower down2 paddles dripped out in the river as someone approached2 sometimes two or three dim figures crouched low on the shore1 sometimes only one4 ,finally1 for safety's sake1 we let the fire go out altogether4 ,armed to the teeth1 we were still shivering in the cold darkness well on into the night1 and at some distance from the dying embers1 when suddenly--we nearly screamed--there was a sound of a voice4 ,it was a man's voice2 he was angry2 he was cursing4 ,a flame shot up beneath the trees4 ,we saw ,gallup on his knees blowing up the hemlock coals4 ,he had landed1 pulled his canoe on to the bank1 and come up to within a few yards of where we stood without our hearing the faintest sound4 ,he said no word4 ,he cooked himself no food4 ,he just made a huge fire1 spread his blanket beside the comforting blaze1 curled up1 and fell asleep4 ,we soon followed his example4 ,probably he had enjoyed a square meal with the ,indians1 then sauntered home to bed4444 ,next day we reached ,rainy ,lake ,city1 paid him off1 and saw him push off upstream in his ,maine canoe without having uttered a single word4 ,he just counted the dollar bills and vanished4 ,rainy ,lake ,city was a few acres roughly cleared from the primval forest1 yet with avenues cut through the dense trees to indicate streets where tramcars were to run at some future date4 ,river1 lake and forest combined to make an enchanting scene4 ,there were perhaps a hundred men there4 ,there was gold1 but there was no gold-dust1 no shining pans to sift the precious sand2 in a word1 no placer-mining4 ,it was all quartz2 machinery to crush the quartz had to be dragged in over the ice in the winter4 ,capital was essential1 large lumps of capital4 ,a word of inquiry in ,new ,york could have told me this4 ,i felt rather guilty1 but very happy4 ,paxton and ,r4,m4 were philosophical4 ,no word of blame escaped their lips4 ,they had the right to curse me1 whereas both played the part of ,balaam4 ,even at the time ,i thought this odd4 ,neither of them seemed to care a straw4 8,we'll stake a claim10 said ,r4,m4 at intervals4 ,perhaps both were so pleased to have arrived safely that they neither grumbled nor abused me4 ,the truth was that1 like myself1 though for rather different reasons1 both of them were relieved to be 8away from home40 ,the engineer1 ,i discovered later1 was glad that #a1ejj miles lay between him and ,new ,york ,city4 ,we pitched our tent by the shore and proceeded to investigate4 ,living cost little4 ,it was sunny weather1 it was spring4 ,one company was already sinking a shaft and working a small crusher2 there were shacks and shanties everywhere2 the 8city0 was as peaceful as the inside of ,st4 ,paul's ,cathedral2 we saw no hairy men1 but we saw mosquitoes4 ,with the first warm nights these pests emerged for the season in their millions2 they were very large and very hungry2 they hung in the air like clouds of smoke2 they welcomed us2 as ,r4,m4 said1 they had probably written the newspaper accounts that advertised the place4 ,we had no netting4 ,they stung the bears blind2 they would have stung a baby to death1 had there been any babies1 except ourselves1 to sting4 ,the only gold we saw was a lump1 valued at #e1jjj1 lying beside a revolver on the counter of the ,bank of ,montreal's shack4 ,the clerk allowed us to hold it for a second each4 ,it was the only gold we touched4444 ,we investigated1 as mentioned2 we wandered about2 we fished and shot1 we rubbed ,indian stuff over our faces to keep the mosquitoes off2 we enjoyed happy1 careless1 easy days1 bathing in ice-cold water1 basking in hot sunshine1 resting1 loafing1 and spinning yarns with all and sundry round our camp-fires4 ,after ,new ,york it was a paradise1 and but for the mosquitoes1 we could have dressed in fig leaves4 ,except for the question of having enough money to get out again before the iron winter set in towards ,october1 we might have spent the whole summer there4 ,we decided to leave while it was still possible4 ,to paddle a hundred and fifty miles against the stream was not attractive4 ,we would do the trip on foot4 ,selling tent and canoe to the clerk in the bank1 we set out across the ,twenty-,six ,mile ,portage one day towards the end of ,june4 ,a party of five men1 also bound for ,duluth1 joined us1 and one of them was--,morris4 ,those happy1 unproductive goldfields6 ,that untenanted ,rainy ,lake ,city where no tramcars ever ran1 nor faro-tables flourished6 ,morris1 the hairy desperado6 ,in the dismal ,new ,york days that followed they seemed to belong to some legendary ,golden ,age4 ,romance and adventure1 both touched with comedy1 went hand in hand1 beauty and liberty heightening some imagined radiance4 ,wasted time1 of course1 but for that very reason valuable beyond computation4 ,stored memories are stored energy that may prove the raw material of hope in days that follow after4 ,even ,morris1 the 8stiff10 and cut-throat1 played his little part in the proper spirit4 ,there was a price on his head in ,canada4 ,we watched him closely2 we watched his partners too4 ,the ,twenty-,six ,mile ,portage cut off an immense bend of the ,vermilion ,river1 running through the depths of trackless1 gloomy forest the whole way4 ,nothing was easier than to 8mix us up with the scenery0 as a phrase of those parts expressed it4 ,especially must we be on our guard at night4 ,one of us must always only pretend to sleep4 ,our former mistake about ,gallup need not make us careless4 ,a natural instinct to dramatize the expedition might have succeeded better if ,morris1 the villain1 had not sometimes missed his cue and failed to realize the importance of his rle4 ,the scenery1 at any rate1 was right4 ,the weather broke the very day we started1 and the region justified its translated ,indian name4 ,a drenching rain fell sousing on the world4 ,with our heavy packs we made slow progress1 crawling in single file beneath the endless dripping trees1 soaked to the skin in the first ten minutes4 ,there was no trail1 but ,morris had a compass4 ,darkness fell early on the first night when we had covered barely six miles4 ,morris found a deserted lumbermen's shanty4 ,one man chopped down a pitch-pine and cut out its dry heart of resinous wood which caught fire instantly2 another soaked a shred of cedar-wood in a tin mug filled with melted bacon fat2 a third cooked dinner for the whole party2 and by eight o'clock we all lay grouped about the fire1 dodging the streams of water that splashed through the gaping remnants of the pine-log roof4 ,outside in that windless forest the drip of the rain was like the sound of waterfalls1 but it was a magnificent1 a haunted1 a legendary forest none the less4 ,our shanty was faintly lit by the flickering cedar-candle4 ,queer shadows danced1 eyes glittered1 the faces here and there seemed distorted oddly in the shifting flame and darkness that alternately rose and fell4 ,one by one1 dog-tired1 we fell asleep4 ,it was ,r4,m4's turn to watch4 ,before supper was ended even1 he lay soundly slumbering1 his head1 with touselled hair and ragged beard1 thrown back against the wall1 his mouth1 containing unswallowed food--so weary was he--half-open4 ,i exchanged a significant glance with ,paxton over his collapsed body1 meaning that we must watch instead4 ,our steaming clothes dried slowly as the night wore on4 ,the dripping trickle of the trees became louder and louder4 ,paxton1 very thin now1 looked like a scarecrow in his ragged shirt and coat4 ,his customary exclamation was rarely heard4 ,he fell asleep in turn4 ,the rest of the party had been snoring for an hour or more4 ,it was up to me to watch4 ,i watched4 ,the next thing ,i knew was a sudden stealthy movement1 and a low voice that woke me out of a slumber made of lead4 ,the fire was low1 the candle hardly flickered4 ,across the gloom ,i saw the movement that had waked me--,morris1 the hairy man1 was stirring4 ,i watched him4 ,he sat up4 ,he leaned cautiously over--towards ,r4,m4 ,his hand stretched out slowly4 ,splendid fellow6 ,i felt furious with ,r4,m4 for falling asleep1 for keeping his mouth open in that idiotic way4 ,stupid idiot and faithless comrade6 ,morris1 ,i saw1 was doing something to his bulky1 motionless figure1 just about to slit him open perhaps4 ,well1 let him slit6 ,it was the head he touched4 ,he was doing something to the sleeper's head--pushing it--pushing it sideways so that a stream of water through the roof might just miss falling on his shoulder and thus splashing the hairy man's own face with spray4 ,i watched closely1 faithful to my job4 ,i saw ,morris the ,stiff take a bit of spare clothing out of his pack and hang it over ,r4,m4's neck and shoulder4 8,i got no use for it10 he was saying4 8,yer friend might jest as well hev it40 ,he knew1 therefore1 quite well that ,i was watching4 ,but ,r4,m4 knew nothing1 less than nothing4 ,he neither stirred nor woke4 ,a more kindly1 tender-hearted fellow than ,morris the ,stiff1 no traveller in wild places could possibly desire4 ,it was perhaps a couple of hours later when ,i woke again1 disturbed this time not by noise1 but by the sudden absence of it4 ,one winter's night the inhabitants of ,niagara1 similarly1 woke up because1 ice having formed1 the thunder of the falls had ceased4 ,i listened a moment1 then went out4 ,the rain had ceased1 the clouds were gone1 in a clear sky the three-quarter moon shone brightly4 ,the rain-washed air seemed perfumed beyond belief4 ,nor did the old moon merely 8look round her when the heavens were bare10 she sprawled fantastically at full length1 as it were1 in her magnificent blue-black bed of naked space4 ,i went out to a clear spot among the trees4 ,far away rose a soft murmur4 ,the air hummed and shook with the roar of distant rapids1 so calm and still the night was4 ,no bird1 no animal cried4 ,the earth herself1 it seemed1 stopped turning in that wonderful stillness4 ,those few minutes painted a picture that memory must always keep4444 ,three months later the first week in ,october found us in ,new ,york again4 ,the bullets were forgotten and1 of course1 unmentioned1 and five months of glorious wasted time lay safely behind us4 ,,chapter ,,xxviii ,if it is impossible to recapture the boyish moods of those early days1 it is also difficult not to import into these notes the point of view and feelings that belong to later life4 ,surely1 but gradually1 the scale of time changes with the years1 and with it the range and quality of the emotions3 to-day1 a year seems a very brief period2 the few months spent in the woods after our ,gold ,fields fiasco seemed both an eternity1 yet far too brief4 ,a faint flavour of childhood's immense scale1 when twelve months was an immeasurable stretch of time1 still clung to them1 perhaps4 ,but the magnet of ,new ,york drew us4 ,any idea of returning to ,england until ,i had made good was far from me4 ,we arrived in the detested city late in ,october1 with livings to earn1 and with less money than when we had first come two years before4 ,we took separate rooms this time1 for ,i had learned my lesson about sharing beds and clothes and scanty earnings4 ,it was to be each man for himself4 ,paxton disappeared immediately2 only occasionally did ,i hear his 8,ouch1 ,ouch60 again2 ,m4 found a bed in ,harlem and started to teach boxing2 ,i took quarters in ,east #bast ,street1 on the top floor of a cheap but cleanish house1 and arranged for breakfast and dinner in a neighbouring boarding-house at #b4ej a week4 ,two ,germans lived in the adjoining attic4 ,through the thin wooden partition ,i heard their talk1 their breathing1 their slightest movement4 ,they rarely came to bed before midnight2 they talked the whole night through4 ,informing them in a loud voice that ,i understood their language made no difference2 they neither stopped nor answered4 ,yet1 oddly enough1 ,i never once saw them2 never met them on the stairs1 nor in the hall1 nor at the front door4 ,they remained invisible1 if not inaudible4 ,but ,i formed vivid pictures of them1 and knew from their conversation that they were not better than they need be4 ,an old man and a young one1 ,i gathered4 ,an unpleasant house altogether1 the low rent more easily explained than ,i at first guessed4 ,long afterwards ,i had my revenge upon those unsavoury ,germans--by writing an awful story about them1 8,a ,case of ,eavesdropping10 though by the time it was published they were probably either dead or in gaol4 ,a sinister couple1 these invisible ,teutons6 ,my one main object was to avoid the ,evening ,sun3 any work was better1 ,i felt1 than a return to that hated sensational reporting4 ,a place was always open to me under ,mc,cloy1 but my detestation of the police court1 and of the criminal atmosphere generally1 was so strong that ,i would rather have taken a street-cleaning job under ,tammany than go back to it4 ,i therefore began by trying free-lance work1 gathering news items and selling them for a dollar or two apiece to various papers1 writing snippets of description1 inventing incidents1 and earning perhaps ten dollars a week on the average4 ,it was hard going1 but pawning and free lunches in the saloons made it possible to live4 ,i knew all the tricks by now2 ,i used them4 ,the blanket off my bed occasionally spent a week-end with a new 8,ikey10 though getting it out of the house and back again was no easy matter1 while the smell of the moth-balls ,i always expected must betray me4 ,it was a poor blanket1 too1 worth only #ej cents from ,ikey's point of view1 and certainly not worth the foolish risk involved4 ,for1 literally--though this never once occurred to me at the time--it was stealing1 and the fact that ,i told ,ikey where it came from1 hoping to extract thereby an extra half-dollar from him1 could not have exonerated me if the landlady had met me on the stairs4 ,personally1 ,i think the quantity of food ,i devoured at the free lunch counters in exchange for a five-cent glass of lager was a more flagrant case of theft4 ,only it was a recognized theft4 ,the temporary absence of the blanket1 anyhow1 since ,i made my own bed1 was never discovered1 and my heart remained innocent of conscious burglary4 ,a dozen years before1 aged #ab1 ,i had once been accused of stealing by the headmaster of the private school ,i adorned in ,sevenoaks4 ,i was innocent1 but the evidence was both ludicrous and damning1 so damning1 indeed1 that1 strangely1 ,i felt guilty and accepted the punishment4 ,a terrifying experience1 it haunted me for years1 and the sight of a policeman1 or the words 8criminal judge10 sent shivers down my spine long afterwards4 ,when a little older1 ,i came to suspect that it was worked up against me by the master to curry favour with an influential parent2 but at the actual time ,i had visions even of prison--for something ,i had not done4 ,all about a poem1 too6 ,at evening 8prep0 a 8bit of poetry10 as we called it1 had to be learnt by heart2 my own poetry book was lost2 ,i borrowed young ,gildea's4 ,the last thing in the world ,i wanted to own was that poetry book of young ,gildea1 the last thing ,i wanted to do was to learn that poem by heart4 ,i spent the hour1 therefore1 inscribing my name with elaborate flourishes on the title page4 ,twice ,i wrote it1 with capitals1 of which ,i was very proud2 ,i thought it ornate and beautiful2 and when the hour was over ,i tossed the book into my locker and forgot all about it4 ,next morning ,i was summoned into the headmaster's presence4 ,he wore red whiskers about an otherwise clean-shaven face3 a face of natural sternness1 with a big nose1 a mouth of iron1 and steely blue eyes4 ,he was a clergyman of evangelical persuasion4 ,i had no idea why ,i had been summoned1 but his glance made me at once feel uneasy4 8,blackwood minor10 he said in a solemn and portentous voice1 8did you do--this80 ,he held out ,gildea's poetry book towards me with the cover open4 ,his finger pointed to my name in pencil1 flourishes and all4 ,i was completely puzzled as to what was coming1 but ,i admitted the signature of course4 8,is the book yours80 he asked4 ,i said it was not4 8,gildea has reported the loss of his own copy10 the voice of doom went on4 8,it has been found--in your locker--and with your name written in it40 ,the voice made me think of 8and ,god spake0 in the ,bible4 ,he looked at me in such a way that ,i felt sure ,i was going to be flogged4 ,what had ,i done8 ,and why8 ,i couldn't quite remember4 ,no explanation came to me4 ,the simple truth was too silly to mention4 ,i had nothing to say except to admit everything4 ,the man1 with his awful manner and appalling aspect1 terrified me4 ,i stood speechless and paralysed1 wondering what was coming next4 ,the red whiskers made me think of ,satan4 ,i little dreamed1 however1 that the headmaster would say what he then did say4 ,he spoke with a terribly slow1 deliberate emphasis4 8,this is as grave a case of stealing10 fell the awful words of judgment1 8as ever came before a ,criminal ,judge4 ,i have sent for your father40 ,i was petrified4 ,it was enough to frighten any boy into his boots4 ,my father in due course arrived2 ,gildea's parents1 both of them1 arrived likewise2 there were consultations1 mysterious comings and goings2 it was a day of gloom and terror2 for some reason ,i made no attempt to defend myself2 it all flabbergasted1 frightened1 puzzled me beyond understanding4 ,i was made to confess to ,gildea and to apologize to the parents4 ,to my own father ,i said nothing4 ,he looked troubled1 yet somehow not as grave as he ought to have looked4 ,perhaps he had his doubts4444 ,what that fiendish headmaster1 whose name ,i will not mention1 had said behind my back1 ,i did not know1 for my father never referred to the matter afterwards1 and both ,i and my brother were removed from the school at the end of the term4 ,but ,i was severely punished--sent to ,coventry for three days--for doing something ,i had both done and had not done1 and the phrase 8,criminal ,judge0 was burnt into my memory with letters of fire4 ,my revenge was rather an oblique one--a fight with that headmaster's son1 though about quite another matter4 ,with each blow ,i landed--and ,i landed several--,i saw red whiskers on a boy about my own age6 ,this digression concerning a poetry book occurs to me only now1 while telling of my wickedness about the blanket4 ,the lesson that master wished to teach me had no effect1 for the simple reason that ,i had not stolen4 ,the fear1 however1 doubtless remained2 the injustice scored deep1 bitter wounds4 ,i trace back to it a curious persistent dread1 not entirely obliterated even now3 the dread of being accused of a crime ,i have not committed2 yet where the evidence of guilt seems overwhelming4 ,patanjali's 8,aphorisms0 describe a method of living through in imagination all possible experiences4 ,a series of laborious incarnations would be necessary to exhaust these experiences in the ordinary way4 ,they can be lived out in the mind instead4 ,in imagination1 anyhow1 thanks to that little school injustice1 ,i have often tried to realize the feelings of a man serving a term of imprisonment for a crime he has not committed4 ,patanjali's interesting method is1 at any rate1 a means of opening the mind to a sympathetic understanding of many an experience one could not otherwise know4 ,only imagination must be sustained and very detailed1 and the projection of the personality is not easy4 ,an interlude of play-acting now enlivened my period of free-lance journalism4 ,kay was in my life again1 and the opportunity came through him4 ,he had spent the summer between odd jobs on the stage1 and odd jobs at buying and selling exchange in ,wall ,street4 ,he made both ends meet1 at any rate1 and had a cheap room in the purlieus of ,hoboken across the river4 ,a part in a third-rate touring company had just been offered to him1 and he said he could get me a part as well4 ,one-night stands in the smaller towns of ,new ,york ,state with a couple of plays1 of which 8,jim1 the ,penman10 was one1 formed the programme1 and my utter ignorance of acting1 he assured me1 need not stand in the way4 ,my salary would be #ae a week1 with travelling expenses paid4 ,gilmour1 the leading man1 and organizer of the company1 was anxious to find someone like myself4 ,i jumped at it4 ,gilmour looked me up and down and said ,i'd do4 ,i had only one line to say4 ,i was a prison warder on sentry duty1 pacing to and fro between the walls at night1 when ,gilmour1 the hero1 escaping from his cell1 knocks me down after a brief struggle1 and disappears into the night4 ,a moment later the alarm is given2 other warders arrive1 find me wounded on the ground and ask which way the prisoner has gone4 8,that way10 ,i shout1 pointing the direction before losing consciousness2 whereupon the curtain falls4 ,it was not an exacting part4 ,gilmour said ,i should make a 8bully warder40 ,my own shabby clothes1 with a brown billycock hat1 would do as they were4 ,i was to carry a large wooden pistol4 ,we rehearsed the scene1 swaying to and fro1 breathing hard1 grunting with effort1 cursing each other fiercely1 until the prisoner1 wrenching the pistol from me1 struck me on the head and floored me4 ,such was my rle4 ,i played it at ,yonkers and ,mount ,vernon1 three nights in each place1 if memory serves me correctly1 but 8went through it0 is the true description of my performance4 ,for the theatre1 either as a writer or actor1 ,i possess no trace of talent1 a fact rediscovered recently when playing an insignificant part in ,drinkwater's 8,oliver ,cromwell0 on tour with ,henry ,ainley4 ,my dismissal at the end of the first week1 however1 was not due to this lack of skill--it was due to a pail of beer and the leading lady4 ,for the leading lady1 handsome daughter1 ,i remember1 of a ,washington ,general1 was the inspiration of the touring company1 and it was for her beaux yeux that the enterprise was undertaken4 ,gilmour was what is known as 8crazy0 about her1 his jealousy a standing joke among us1 so that when those beaux yeux were turned upon my lanky1 half-starved self1 there were warnings that trouble might begin4 ,but ,i was looking for salary and food rather than for trouble4 ,in the dressing-room we underlings all shared together1 though 8dressing0 was of negligible kind1 ,i was quite safe4 ,chance meetings1 however1 were unavoidable1 of course1 and ,bettina's instinct for adventure was distinctly careless4 ,it was here the pail of beer came in--into our crowded dressing-room4 ,who brought it1 ,i have forgotten2 the miscreant who stood treat to the band of hungry and thirsty ,thespians is lost to memory4 ,i only know that1 empty of food as ,i was1 my share of that gallon pail distinctly cheered me4 ,the beaux yeux had been boldly rolling2 another pair of eyes1 not so lovely1 had been rolling too4 ,to be ungallantly honest about it1 my own feelings were not engaged in any way1 except on this particular night1 when they were considerably roused--against that stupid1 jealous ,gilmour4 ,the way he glared in my direction stirred my bile2 the few glasses of beer made me reckless4 ,when the escaping prisoner fought with me for the possession of the great wooden pistol1 ,i refused to be 8thrown40 ,the scanty audience that night witnessed a good performance of my brief1 particular scene4 ,gilmour cursed and swore beneath his breath1 but he was a smaller man than ,i was4 ,he could do nothing with me4 ,what was a shocking performance in one sense1 was a realistic and sincere performance in another4 ,had my share of the pail been slightly bigger than it was1 ,i should undoubtedly have 8thrown0 the prisoner and spoilt the curtain4 ,as it was1 however1 ,gilmour managed in the end to wrench the pistol from me1 and in doing so1 his fury genuine1 he landed me a blow on the forehead with its heavy butt that stunned me4 ,i fell4 ,he fled4 ,roars of applause ,i heard dimly4 ,my brown billycock hat1 ,i remember1 fell on its springy brim1 bounced into the air1 then hopped away against the footlights4 ,and all my interest went with my precious hat4 ,to the warders who at once rushed on with cries of 8,he's escaped6 ,which way did he go80 ,i used the right words1 taking my cue correctly4 ,only ,i pointed in the wrong direction4 ,i pointed towards my old hat against the footlights4 ,it lay outside the curtain4 ,it is odd to think that somewhere in the under-mind of the individual who lay half-stunned on the stage of a ,yonkers theatre1 pointing wildly at a dilapidated1 but precious1 old brown billycock1 slept a score of books1 waiting patiently for expression a few years later4 ,it is difficult1 indeed1 as ,i write these notes1 to realize that the individual who describes the incidents is the individual who experienced them4 ,the body itself has changed every single physical particle at least four times in succession4 ,nor is the mind the same4 ,with the exception of one or two main interests1 easily handed on by the outgoing atoms to the incoming atoms in the brain1 8,i0 possess little that the 8,i0 of those distant ,new ,york days possessed4 ,even the continuity of memory is bequeathable by atoms leaving the brain to the new ones just arriving4 ,where1 then1 is the self who experienced years ago what the self holding this pen now sets down8 ,the 8,i10 during the next few years1 at any rate1 went rolling2 rolling from one experience to another1 if not cheerily1 at least resignedly4 ,whatever happened--and what happened was mostly unpleasant--there was never absent the conviction that it was deserved1 and must be lived out in a spirit of acceptance1 until finally exhausted4 ,any other attitude toward unwelcome events meant evasion1 and a disagreeable experience shirked merely postponed it to another time1 either in this life or another4 ,there was1 meanwhile1 a real self that remained aloof1 untouched1 neither happy nor unhappy1 a spectator1 but a royal spectator4 ,into this eternal ,self was gathered the fruit and essence of each and every experience the lower 8,i0 passed through2 the secret of living was to identify oneself with this exalted and untroubled royalty4444 ,the rolling-stone went rolling1 therefore1 somewhat in this spirit1 which helped and comforted1 which made most things possible1 bearable at any rate1 because it was the outcome of that strange inner conviction established in my blood1 a conviction1 as mentioned1 neither argument nor evidence could alter4 ,letters from home1 home memories as well1 pertained now to some distant1 unrecoverable region that was dead and gone4 ,my mother's letters--one every week without a single omission--expressed a larger spirit4 ,her faithful letters1 secure in a sincere belief1 were very precious1 ,i remember4 ,sometimes1 though never successfully1 they tempted me almost to giving my full confidence and telling more than my camouflaged reports revealed4 ,from the rest of my family1 with the exception of a really loved brother1 ,i knew myself entirely divorced1 a divorce that later years proved final and somehow inevitable4 ,to my father1 who was always something of a stranger to me1 ,i could never tell my heart2 my mother1 on the other hand1 always had my confidence1 coupled with an austere respect4 ,few words passed between us1 yet she always knew1 ,i felt1 my thoughts4 ,and this full confidence dated1 oddly enough1 from an incident in early childhood1 when ,i was saying the ,lord's ,prayer at her knee4 ,there was a phrase that puzzled me even when ,i was in knickerbockers3 8,lead us not into temptation44440 ,i stopped1 looked up into her face1 and asked3 8,but would ,he lead me into temptation unless ,i asked ,him not to80 ,her eyes opened1 she gazed down into mine with a thoughtful1 if perplexed expression1 for a moment she was evidently at a loss how to answer4 ,she hesitated1 then decided to trust me with the truth3 8,i have never quite understood those words myself10 she said4 8,i think1 though1 it is best to leave their explanation to ,him1 and to say the words exactly as ,he taught them40 8,old souls0 and 8young souls0 was a classification that ruled my mind in this ,new ,york period3 my mother was of the former1 my father of the latter4 ,in the ,old lay innate the fruits1 the results1 the memories of many many previous lives1 and this ripeness of long experience showed itself in certain ways--in taste1 in judgment1 in their standard of values1 in that mysterious quality called tact2 above all1 perhaps1 in the type and quality of goods they desired from life4 ,worldly ambitions1 so-called1 were generally negligible in them4 ,what we label to-day as the subconscious was invariably fully charged2 also1 without too much difficulty1 accessible4 ,it made them interesting1 stimulating and not easily exhausted4 ,wide sympathies1 spread charity1 understanding were their hall-marks1 and a certain wisdom1 as apart from intellect1 their invariable gift2 with1 moreover1 a tendency to wit1 if not that rare quality wit itself1 and humour1 the power of seeing1 and therefore laughing at1 oneself4 ,the cheaper experiences of birth1 success1 possessions they had learned long ago2 it was the more difficult1 but higher1 values they had come back to master1 and among the humbler ranks of life they found the necessary conditions4 ,christ1 ,i reflected1 was the son of a carpenter4 ,the ,young ,souls1 on the other hand1 were invariably hot-foot after the things of this world4 ,show1 ,riches and ,power stuck like red labels on their foreheads4 ,the ,napoleons of the earth were among the youngest of all2 the intellectuals1 those who relied on reason alone1 often the prosperous1 usually the well-born1 were of the same category4 ,rarely was 8understanding0 in them1 and brilliant cleverness could never rank with that wisdom which knows that tout comprendre1 c'est tout pardonner4 ,to me the ,young ,souls were the commonplace and uninteresting ones4 ,they were shallow1 sketchy1 soon exhausted1 the ,dutzend-menschen2 whereas1 the others were intuitive1 mature in outlook1 aware of deeper values and eager for the things of the spirit4444 ,thinking over my distinguished relations1 ,i found none fit to black the boots of that kindly waiter in ,krisch's cheap eating-house1 ,otto1 the ,black ,forest ,german1 who trusted us for food and often forwent his trumpery tip with a cheery smile4 ,and there were many others1 whose memory remains bright and wonderful from those dismal ,new ,york years4444 ,a volume of 8,distinguished ,people ,i have ,met10 for instance1 would include the ,italian bootblack at the corner of #dth ,avenue and #bjth ,street1 who had the sun in his face1 in his bright black eyes and brown skin1 and who trusted me sometimes for a month1 although five cents meant as much to him as it did to me4 ,the bigwigs ,i interviewed for newspapers are forgotten1 but the faces of ,otto and the ,italian shine in memory still4 ,i even remember the sentence the latter taught me4 ,it invariably formed our daily greeting3 ,e molto tempo che siete stato amalato8 ,often since have ,i spouted it in ,italy1 as bewildered by the voluble replies ,i could not understand1 as the peasants were by my familiar enquiry after their health4 ,mrs4 ,bernstein1 ,i think1 would be entitled to a place1 and ,grant1 who pawned his overcoat to buy me food1 most certainly to full mention4 ,,chapter ,,xxix ,worthy of more detailed description1 however1 is the figure of an old1 old man ,i met about this time1 a dignified1 venerable and mysterious being1 man of the world1 lawyer1 musician1 scholar1 poet1 but above all1 exile4 ,incidentally1 he was madman too4 ,what unkindly tricks fate had played with his fine brain1 ,i never learned with accuracy4 ,it was but the ruin of a great mind ,i knew4 ,pain and suffering of no unusual order1 as ,i soon discovered1 had1 at any rate1 left his heart as wise and sweet and gentle as any ,i have ever known4 ,his voice1 his eyes1 his smile1 his very gestures1 even1 had in them all the misery and all the goodness of the world4 ,our chance meeting deepened into a friendship1 the intimacy of which between ,padre and ,figlio--names he himself assigned respectively--yet never permitted a full account of his own mysterious past4 ,the little ,i gathered of his personal history before he died some dozen years later in ,england1 came to me from patchwork sources1 but none of it from his own lips4 ,what term the alienists might use to describe the mental disorder of ,alfred ,h4 ,louis ,i do not know4 ,the first time ,i saw him he cut a sorry figure2 an old fellow in far worse plight and even worse down at heel than ,i was myself4 ,it was in an olive-oil warehouse1 at ,no4 #a1 ,water ,street1 on the river front4 ,mc,kay1 the owner1 whom ,i had met through some newspaper story or other1 had converted me to the wisdom of an occasional glass of olive oil4 ,it was healthful and delicious1 but to me its chief value was as food4 ,on this day of broiling heat ,i had wandered in for a glass of oil1 and1 while waiting a moment for the owner to appear1 ,i noticed an old tramp seated on a packing-case1 gazing at me in penetrating fashion4 ,he was a ,jew1 he was very small1 his feet were tiny1 his hands1 ,i took in1 were beautiful4 ,i thought of ,moses1 of ,abraham1 some ,biblical prophet come to life1 of some storied being like the ,wandering ,jew4 ,his atmosphere1 that is1 at once sent a message of something unusual to my imagination4 ,but it was when ,mc,kay came in and1 to my surprise1 calmly introduced us as fellow ,englishmen1 that my mind was really startled--not because the old tramp was ,english1 but because when he rose to shake my hand1 it seemed to me that some great figure of history rose to address1 not me1 but the nations of the world4 ,he reached barely to my shoulder1 his face upturned to mine1 yet the feeling came that it was ,i who looked up into his eyes4 ,the dignity and power the frail outline conveyed were astonishing4 ,he was a ,presence4 ,and his voice the same instant--though in some commonplace about having known ,lord ,dufferin--increased the air of greatness1 almost ,i had said of majesty1 that he wore so naturally4 ,it was not merely cultured1 deep and musical1 it vibrated with a peculiar resonance that conveyed authority beyond anything ,i have known in any other human voice4 ,we talked 444 he talked1 rather 444 hunger1 thirst1 the afflicting moist heat of the day were all forgotten1 ,new ,york ,city was forgotten too4 ,his words carried me beyond this world1 his language in that astonishing voice wore wings that brought escape4 ,his long frock-coat1 green with age and dirt2 his broken boots and frayed trousers2 his shapeless top hat1 brushed the wrong way till it looked like a beehive coated with rough plush2 his grimy collar without a tie2 the spots upon his grease-stained waistcoat--all vanished completely4 ,it was1 above all1 ,i think1 the poetry in his voice and words that brought the balm and healing into my whole being4 ,the way his hands moved too4 ,we talked for several hours1 for it was ,mc,kay's nasal interruption1 saying he must close the warehouse1 that brought me back to--,water ,street4 ,recklessly1 though with a diffidence as though ,i were with royalty1 ,i invited him to dine1 but in the cheap ,childs' ,eating ,house where we 8fed10 ,i soon perceived that ,i had no reason to feel embarrassed4 ,a cup of coffee and 8sinkers0 sufficed him1 he took my shyness away1 he won my easy and full confidence2 and afterwards--for he refused to let me go--as we sat1 that stifling night1 on a bench in ,battery ,park1 tramps and ,wearie ,willies our neighbours1 but the salt air from the sea in our nostrils1 he used a phrase that1 giving me the calibre of his thought1 was too significant ever to be forgotten4 ,i had spoken of my hatred of the city and of my present circumstances in it4 ,he peered into my face a moment beneath his dreadful hat1 then1 raising a beautiful hand by way of emphasis1 his deep voice came to me like some music of the sea itself3 8,no man worth his spiritual salt10 he said with impressive gentleness1 8is ever entangled in locality40 ,he smiled1 and the tenderness of the voice was in the eyes as well4444 ,the little park emptied gradually1 the heated paving-stones lost something of their furnace breath1 the stars were visible overhead beyond the great arc lights1 the parched leaves rustled faintly1 and ,i spoke to him of poetry4 ,he had lived with ,longfellow1 he had known ,browning4 ,the poetry of the world was in his soul--,greek1 ,latin1 ,german1 ,french1 above all1 ,hebrew4 ,i drank in his words1 unaware of the passing hours4 ,to me it was like finding a well in the desert when ,i was dying of thirst4 ,even the awful city he transfigured4 ,suddenly his lean fingers touched my arm1 his voice deepened and grew soft1 he took his hat off4 8,i will say my ,night-,song to you now10 he said4 8,i can only say it to very1 very few4 ,for years ,i have said it to--no one4 ,but you shall hear it40 ,if there was something in his voice and manner that thrilled me to the core1 the poem he then repeated on that bench in ,battery ,park at midnight gave me indescribable sensations of beauty and delight4 ,i realized ,i listened to a personal confession that was a revelation of the mysterious old heart beneath the green frock-coat4 ,it seemed to me that ,night herself spoke through him3 ,known only1 only to ,god and the night1 and the stars and me6 ,prophetic1 jubilant ,song1 ,smiting the rock-bound hours till the waters of life flow free2 ,and a ,soul1 on pinion strong1 ,flieth afar1 and hovers over the infinite sea ,of love and of melody3 ,while the blind fates weave their nets ,and the world in sleep forgets4 ,known only1 only to me and the night1 and the stars and ,god6 ,song1 from a burning breast1 ,of a land of perfected delights which the foot of man ne'er trod1 ,like a foaming wine expressed ,from passionate fruits that glowed 'mid the boughs of the ,eden lost1 ,ere sin was born and frost2-- ,song wild with desires and regrets1 ,while the world in sleep forgets4 ,known only1 only to me and ,god1 and the night and the stars6 ,the beacon fire of song1 ,flaming for guidance and hope while the storm-winds wage their wars2 ,balm for the ancient wrong1 ,dropping from healing wings on the wounds of the heart and brain1 ,quenching their ancient pain3 ,love-star that rises and sets1 ,while the world in sleep forgets4 ,known only1 only to ,god and me1 and the stars and the night6 ,dove that returns to my ark1 ,murmuring of grief-floods falling1 of light beyond all light3 ,voice that cleaveth the dark1 ,singing of earth growing heaven1 of distant lands that bless1 ,though they may not caress1 ,and1 blessing1 pay ,love's old debts1 ,while the world in sleep forgets4 ,long before he ended the tears were coursing slowly down his withered cheeks1 and when the last word died away a long silence came between us1 for ,i could find no words to express the emotion in me4 ,he took my hand and held it a moment tightly1 then presently got up1 put on his old hat again1 with the remark that it was time for bed1 and followed me slowly to a ,broadway cable car4 ,his small1 frail figure seemed to have dwindled to a child's shadow as he moved beside me2 he had a way of hunching his thin shoulders that still further dwarfed his height2 ,i felt myself a giant physically1 but in my mind his stature reached the stars4 ,we exchanged addresses4 ,he lived in #hth ,street1 a miserable attic1 ,i learned later1 though ,i never actually entered it4 ,of his mental disorder no inkling had then reached me4 ,i watched him melt into the shadows of the side street with the feeling that ,i watched some legendary figure1 some ancient prophet1 some mysterious priest4 ,he smiled at me2 there was love and blessing in the brilliant eyes4 ,then he was gone4444 ,for me1 at this time1 to meet and talk with such a man held something of the fabulous4 ,he had set fire to a hundred new thoughts and left them flaming in me4 ,it was in this way began a friendship that has always seemed to me marvellous1 and that lasted till his death in ,england some fifteen years later4 ,sweet1 patient1 resigned and lovable to the end1 he died incurably insane1 the charity in him never tainted1 the tenderness unstained1 the passionate love of his kind1 of beauty1 of all that is lovely and of good report1 unspoilt4 ,the grimmest pain had not soured the natural sweetness in him1 his gentle spirit knew no bitterness1 his megalomania1 complicated1 ,i believe1 with other varieties of disorder1 was harmless and inoffensive4 ,as ,padre he still lives in my memory2 as ,the ,old ,man of ,visions 78,the ,listener071 he still haunts my imagination4 8,you have taken my name away10 he chided me with a smile1 when ,i published this picture of him4 8,i am now uncertain who ,i am4 ,that is well4 ,i am ,anybody ,i choose to be4 ,i will be ,everybody40 ,he had rooms in ,great ,russell ,street at the time4 ,though baptised by ,charles ,kingsley into the ,english ,church1 he later became a ,roman ,catholic1 but1 when the end came1 he reverted to the blood and faith born in him4 ,he was buried1 by his own wish1 in a ,hebrew cemetery4 ,the epitaph he so often told me with an ironic smile he had chosen for his own was not1 however1 used4 ,talk1 he always declared1 vain1 excessive talk1 lay at the bottom of every misunderstanding in the world4 ,if people would talk less1 there would be less trouble in life4 8,sorry ,i spoke10 was to be cut upon one of his tombstones2 8,sorry they spoke0 upon the other4 ,a poem he wrote--published1 like the ,night ,song1 in ,harper's ,magazine--describing death1 ,i have kept all these years4 ,the strange intensity of expression he put into the passage which begins3 8,the sand of my ,being is fused and runs 4440 lives in my mind to this day4 ,the title of the poem was 8,the ,final ,word03 ,hence then at last6 ,for the strife is past ,of the ,birth and ,death1 of the ,self and ,soul2 ,the memory breaks1 the breath forsakes1 ,the waves of the ther o'er me roll4 ,the pulses cease1 and the ,hours release ,their wearied school of the nerves and brain2 ,i fall on the ,deep of the ,mystic ,sleep1 ,where the ,word that is ,life can be heard again4 ,and the fires descend1 and my fragments blend1 ,and the sand of my ,being is fused and runs ,to the mould of a glass for the rays to pass ,of the ,sun of the centre that rules all suns4 ,but1 or ever ,i rest1 ,i take from my breast ,my blood-drained heart for the tablet white ,of a gospel page to the far-off ,age-- ,o ,hand eternal6--,come forth--and write6 ,,chapter ,,xxx ,the personality of ,alfred ,h4 ,louis is identified with ,new ,york for me2 he accompanied my remaining years there1 guide1 philosopher and friend4 ,he took in hand that indiscriminate heterogeneous reading which the ,free ,library made possible4 ,he proved an unfailing and inspiring counsellor4 ,how1 why or whence he came to be in ,america at all ,i never knew4 ,one thing that stirred him into vehemence1 when the past was mentioned1 was the name of ,gladstone4 ,with flashing eyes and voice of thunder he condemned the ,grand ,old ,man1 both as to character and policy1 in unmeasured terms4 ,gladstone1 apparently1 had done him a personal injury as well4 8,we cannot let that man come among us10 was ,gladstone's dictum1 when ,louis's name was being considered as a candidate for ,parliament by the ,party4 8,he is too earnest40 ,this fragment was all he ever told me1 but there lay evidently much behind it4 8,too earnest60 he repeated with contemptuous indignation4 ,of his days at ,cambridge he was more communicative1 though1 unfortunately1 ,i kept no notes4 ,the eloquence and earnestness of his speeches at the ,union1 when ,sir ,william ,harcourt was president1 made1 according to his own account1 a great stir4 ,of ,dr4 7,bishop7 ,lightfoot1 of ,benson1 afterwards ,archbishop1 he had intimate memories1 coloured by warm praise4 ,his book on 8,england's ,foreign ,policy0 7,bentley1 #ahfi7 apparently angered ,gladstone extremely1 and ,louis's political career was killed4 ,he was called to the bar4 ,of success1 of important cases1 he told me nothing4 ,his early brilliance suffered1 ,i gathered1 a strange eclipse1 and from things he hinted at1 ,i surmised--,i cannot state it definitely--that a period in some kind of maison de sant followed about this time4 ,that he had been1 then or later1 in an asylum for the insane1 ,i heard vouched for repeatedly in ,london years later4 ,for an interval before the breakdown came1 he was editor1 or part-editor1 of the ,spectator1 and in some similar connexion1 as owner or editor1 he served the ,fortnightly too4 ,george ,eliot he knew well1 giving me vivid descriptions of her famous ,sundays1 and of his talks with ,george ,henry ,lewes and ,herbert ,spencer4 ,he claimed to be the original of ,daniel ,deronda4 ,he was a pupil of ,sterndale ,bennett's on the piano4 ,of his friendship with ,cardinal ,manning he had also much to tell4 ,it was in the domain of politics that ,i first began to notice the exaggeration and incoherence of his mind1 and it was 8in politics10 evidently1 that the deep wounds which would not heal had been received4 ,in music1 poetry1 literature1 above all in law1 his intelligence had remained clear and sound1 his judgments consummate1 his knowledge encyclopdic4 ,large tracts of memory in him were1 apparently1 obliterated1 whole stretches of life submerged1 but his legal attainments had remained untouched4 ,a business friend of mine 8briefed0 him to lecture on ,international1 ,company and ,patent ,law2 and the substance of those 8,lectures0 stood the test1 years later1 of the highest ,english and ,french ,courts4 ,the lonely old man's kingdom was his mind1 and he dwelt in it aloof1 secure1 contented1 unassailable4 ,into the big empty stretches a half education had left in my own1 he poured his riches with unstinted satisfaction1 even with delight4 ,worldly advice he never proffered2 the world had left him aside1 he1 in his turn1 left the world aside4 ,to practical questions he merely shook his ,moses-head3 8,that10 he would say1 8you must decide for yourself4 ,considered in relation to the ,eternities1 it is of little moment in any case40 ,to any question1 however1 of a philosophical kind1 to any enquiry for explanation about what perplexed or interested me in the realm of thought1 he would reply with what ,i can only call a lecture1 but a lecture so lucid1 so packed with knowledge and learning1 with classical comment and quotation1 often with passages of moving eloquence1 and invariably in language so considered that no single word could have been altered1 and the 8essay0 might have been published as it stood--lectures1 in a word1 that enthralled and held me spellbound for hours at a time4 ,for his knowledge was not knowledge merely1 it was knowledge transmuted by emotion into that spiritual wisdom called ,understanding4 ,the respect he inspired me with was such that rarely did ,i venture upon a personal question1 though ,i longed to know more about himself and his mysterious story4 ,his face sometimes betrayed intense mental suffering4 ,on one occasion1 feeling braver1 owing to a happy mood that seemed established naturally between us1 ,i attempted rather an intimate question of some kind about his past4 ,he turned and stared with an expression that startled me4 ,it was so keen1 so searching4 ,for several minutes he made no reply4 ,his eyes narrowed4 ,i felt ashamed4 ,i had wounded him4 ,the truth was1 it seems1 ,i had touched his heart4 8,listen10 he said presently4 ,in a voice full of tears and deep emotion1 a very quiet1 a very beautiful voice1 he replied to my question4 ,the expression of his eyes turned inwards1 there rose in memory the ghostly figure of someone he had loved1 perhaps loved still4 ,the whole aspect of the old exiled poet became charged with an intolerable sadness1 as he spoke the lines1 not to myself1 but to this vanished figure--8,shadowed by yearning memory's raven wing03 ,,hereafter ,thou know'st not1 sweet1 what must remain unknown ,through all that my poor words can say or sing1 ,the measure of the love to thee ,i bring4 ,one day thou wilt1 when1 by a graven stone ,that bears a name1 thou standest1 white1 alone1 ,shadowed by yearning memory's raven wing1 ,rained on by blossoms of some wind-torn spring ,wherefrom thirst-quenching fruit shall ne'er be grown4 ,then--power shall rest upon the vanished hand ,once too much trembling to thy touch for power2 ,then--shall my soul at last thy soul command ,as it might not in ,time's brief fitful hour2 ,and what ,life's fires might neither melt nor burn ,shall yield with tears to ashes and the urn4 ,i had my answer4 ,never again did ,i venture on a personal question4 ,all our talks came round to poetry in the end4 ,it was his deepest love as well4 ,sound lawyer he may have been1 but inspired poet1 to me at least1 he certainly was4 ,his own poems he severely deprecated1 calling them1 with the exception of the 8,night ,song10 8poor things1 though from my heart40 ,his room1 it seems1 was littered with them in manuscript1 which he rarely tried1 and never wished1 to sell4 ,some time later ,mr4 ,alden1 ,editor of ,harper's ,magazine1 questioned me for information 8about a wonderful old gentleman who comes into the office like an emperor1 and offers me a poem as though he were parting painfully with a treasure he hardly dared let out of his keeping1 and certainly does not wish to sell for cash40 ,to all1 thus1 he was a mystery4 ,if he was uncared for1 he was at the same time indifferent to human care4 ,great intellect1 great mind1 great heart1 he seemed to me1 a wraith perhaps1 but an august1 a giant wraith1 draped by mysterious shadows1 dwelling in a miserable slum1 cut off from his kind amid the dim pomp and pageantry of majestic memories4 ,it was thus1 at any rate1 with the pardonable exaggeration of ignorant twenty-five1 ,i saw and knew the ,old ,man of ,visions4 ,it was his deep heart of poetry1 rather than his fine intellect ,i worshipped4 ,the under-mind in him1 the subconscious region1 ,i think1 was whole and healed2 it was the upper-mind1 the surface consciousness1 that alone was damaged4 ,if this mind was wrecked1 this brain partly in ruins1 the soul in him peered forth above the broken towers1 remaining splendidly aware4 ,not even the imperfect instrument through which it worked could prevent this fine expression3 behind the disproportion of various delusions1 behind the outer tumbled ruins1 there dwelt unaffected in him that greater thing than any intellect--,understanding4 ,,chapter ,,xxxi ,it was with a singular young man1 who claimed proudly to be the illegitimate son of a certain duke1 that ,i found myself presently in the eau de ,cologne business4 ,a long difficult winter had passed2 all my friends had disappeared2 there had been periods of dried apples again1 of posing in studios1 of various odd jobs1 and of half-starving1 with black weeks in plenty4 ,i had moved into yet cheaper quarters1 where ,i occupied a room that had been formerly a butler's pantry1 and was so small that when the folding-bed was down the entire space from wall to wall was occupied4 ,the wash-hand stand was a sink in a recess let into the wall and supplied with a tap4 ,when ,mr4 ,louis visited me1 as he did frequently1 we lowered the bed and used it as a divan4 ,the door could not open then4 ,i made tea in the sink4 ,we talked4444 ,if ,louis's atmosphere suggested choirs and places where they sing1 that of ,brodie1 as ,i may call him here1 was associated with bars and places where they drink4 ,not that he drank himself1 for he was most abstemious1 but that in certain superior saloons1 all of them far above my means1 he was usually to be found4 ,a simple1 yet complex1 generous as well as mean creature1 with all the canniness of the ,scot1 with his uncanniness as well1 his education had been neglected1 he read with difficulty1 and only wrote well enough to sign his name laboriously to a cheque4 ,he1 too1 like ,louis1 had his mystery2 there was no one1 indeed1 in my circle of those days whose antecedents would bear too close a scrutiny4 ,i was first introduced to him by a burly ,swede1 with hands like beef-steaks1 and the shoulders of a heavy-weight fighter1 who was later arrested and sent to gaol for picking pockets4 ,his notoriety as a sneak-thief none of us had guessed1 and how those bulky hands could have accomplished anything neat and clever was a puzzle4 ,in the ,scotsman's pleasant quarters1 somewhat outlandishly furnished by himself on a top floor1 the ,swede had made himself at home too long4 ,brodie1 the prey of many who1 invited for a day or two1 stayed on for weeks1 was glad to see his back4 ,his weak good-nature1 refusing to turn his guests out1 was the cause of endless troubles with men who sponged upon his kindness and his purse4 ,this and his eau de ,cologne business1 8me beezness0 as he called it1 were his sole topics of conversation4 ,he had money to spend--was it an allowance8 ,we never knew--and was always well dressed2 many a square meal he stood me2 there was something in his soft ,west of ,scotland voice that drew me to this odd fish in the 8perfumery line40 ,it reminded me of happier days4 ,and ,i have described his habits at some length1 because it was owing to a small service ,i rendered him1 and rendered myself at the same time1 that ,i became a partner in 8me beezness0 of manufacturing and selling eau de ,cologne made from the ,johann ,maria ,farina recipe4 ,brodie's social aspirations were very marked2 to hear him talk one would have thought him heir to a dukedom2 he had1 too1 a curious faculty for getting his name associated with people above him in the social world4 ,how he managed it was a problem ,i never solved4 ,his instinct for smelling out and using such folk was a gift from heaven4 ,to see his name in the paper gave him supreme happiness4 ,real 8,society0 of course1 ,ward ,macallister's ,four ,hundred1 lay beyond the reach of what was actually a peasant type1 but there were less select fields he worked assiduously with great success4 ,there was matter for a play1 a novel1 a character study1 at any rate1 in ,brodie1 who himself1 ,i learned much later1 had come out to ,new ,york as valet to ,clyde ,fitch1 the playwright1 and whose recipe for the 8genuine ,johann ,maria ,farina10 his successful 8beezness10 was stolen property4 ,my father's son knew certainly queer bedfellows in that underworld in ,new ,york ,city4 ,meeting him in one of his usual haunts one night1 he complained bitterly of a young man he had invited for a week1 but who had stayed a month1 and stayed on still4 ,the name1 which need not be mentioned1 was a well-known one4 ,it was a bad case of imposition1 by a man1 too1 who had ample means of his own4 ,i offered to turn him out1 much to ,brodie's alarm4 ,that is1 he both desired the result and feared it4 ,next morning ,i arrived in the oddly-furnished rooms and found ,brodie cooking breakfast for the undesirable young man who had imposed on his host too long1 and who still lay in bed4 ,it was a comic scene1 no doubt1 for ,brodie1 though frightened1 bore out my accusations while he fried the eggs1 and the other blustered noisily until he found out that bluster was of no avail2 and then1 threatening an action for assault1 got suddenly out of bed and dressed himself4 ,half-an-hour later he was1 bag and baggage1 in the street1 while ,i went down and sold the 8story0 to the ,new ,york ,journal1 who printed it next morning with big headlines1 but also with a drawing showing the eviction scene4 ,no action for assault followed1 however2 ,i received twenty dollars for my 8story02 and ,brodie1 full of gratitude--his name was mentioned in flattering terms--offered to take me into partnership in 8me beezness40 ,i demurred at first4 8,you might help me with the correspondence10 he suggested cautiously4 ,i was to be his educated partner and his pen4 ,all that spring and summer ,i received ten dollars a week which1 in addition to free-lance newspaper work1 enabled me to live in comparative luxury4 ,in a dark little back-office on ,broadway and #hth ,street1 the eau de ,cologne was made4 ,it might have been the secret headquarters of an anarchist fraternity1 or the laboratory of some medival alchemist1 such was the atmosphere of secrecy1 of caution and of mystery4 ,it never occurred to me that anything was wrong4 ,our only assistant was a young ,polish girl named ,paola1 a beautiful1 dark-haired ,jewess4 ,the precious recipe ,i was never allowed to see4 ,great flagons in wicker coverings stood in rows upon long shelves2 the mixing of the ingredients was a delicate operation lasting an hour2 the room smelt rich and sweet of spices that made me think of ,araby and the ,east4 ,it was a curious and picturesque scene--the rather darkened room1 the perfume-laden air1 the hush no traffic could disturb1 the great1 mysterious flagons1 which might almost have concealed forty thieves1 the canny ,scot of doubtful origin1 the beautiful ,jewess1 the air of caution and suspicion that reigned over all4 ,the filling of the bottles in two sizes1 affixing the labels1 flavouring the soap--we made eau-de-,cologne soap too--answering the letters1 writing flowery advertisements1 and so forth1 occupied the entire day4 ,brodie1 a born salesman1 would take a cab and visit the big stores with samples--,macy's1 ,siegel and ,cooper1 and others whose names ,i have forgotten4 ,he never came back without an order4 ,the business flourished4 ,i made no secret of being in the perfumery trade4 ,i had moved into a larger room at my boarding-house4 ,i had bought boots1 some new linen1 and most of my things were out of pawn4 ,then1 presently1 here and there1 ,i began to notice things ,i did not like4 ,rumours reached me4 ,hints were dropped1 sometimes more than hints1 that made me wonder and look over my shoulder a little4 ,no member of my immediate circle at this time was of too sweet origin nor of too stainless habits1 yet from these came the rumours and the hints4 ,i had better 8keep my eyes peeled10 and the rest4446 ,one man in particular who warned me was an elderly1 shrewd ,german1 friend of ,brodie's1 and himself a mystery4 ,his occupation was unknown1 however1 even to ,brodie2 he hid it carefully away2 he led a double life1 protecting himself with the utmost skill and caution behind a screen of detail none of us ever pierced4 8,von0 ,schmidt1 as he styled himself1 was educated2 also he had a heart2 for once1 when ,i was in a state of collapse from hunger1 he brought oysters for me at great trouble to himself1 having to go out on a rainy night and bring them some distance along the street2 from which moment1 though the unpleasant mystery about him intrigued and cautioned me1 ,i became his friend4 ,we talked ,german together4 ,his one desire1 he confided to me1 was to marry a rich woman1 and once he clumsily proposed to arrange a rich marriage for myself if ,i would give him a--commission on results6 ,his personality is worth this brief description1 perhaps1 since it sheds light1 incidentally1 upon the world ,i lived in4 ,always most carefully dressed1 he occupied a single room in a well-appointed house in ,east #bbnd ,street1 talking airily of a bedroom on the floor above1 of a bathroom ,i was sure he never used1 and complaining apologetically of 8this awful house ,i'm in for the moment40 ,his pose was that of an aristocrat1 proud and resigned among untoward circumstances1 and it was through no mistake of his own that this humbug did not impose on me4 ,i just knew it was all bunkum4 ,his actual business1 ,i felt sure1 was unsavoury1 though ,brodie1 having once discovered artificial flowers in his coat pocket1 thought he was a floor-walker in some big store4 ,various suspicious details confirmed me later in the belief that his real occupation was blackmailing4 ,in his single room1 at any rate1 where a piece of furniture against the wall covered with framed photographs of ,german notabilities was in reality a folding-bed--,i never once1 since the oysters1 betrayed that ,i knew this--he lived 8like a gentleman40 ,every night1 from nine o'clock onwards1 he was 8at home02 a box of cigars1 various liqueurs1 he offered without fail1 and 8with an air0 if you please1 although the former never held more than three or four cigars1 the bottles never more than enough to fill two glasses1 because 8my servant1 confound him1 has forgotten again to fill them40 ,he had no servant1 of course1 and the minimum of replenishing was done by himself every evening before nine o'clock4 8,then you are a ,baron really80 ,i said once1 referring to the 8von0 before his name4 ,he looked at me with the disdainful smile a prince in difficulties might have worn3 8,in this city of snobs and scoundrels10 he said lightly1 8,i have dropped my title4 ,the #8von' alone ,i find more dignified40 ,he left the house1 ,i found1 every morning sharp at eight1 and this was in favour of ,brodie's theory that he had some regular job4 ,he was an experienced1 much-lived old bird1 a touch of something sinister about him always1 about most of his friends as well4 ,some very disagreeable types ,i surprised more than once in his well-furnished room4 ,he 8knew the ropes10 knew men and women too1 his counsel was always sound in worldly matters4 ,a lack of humour was his chief failing1 it seemed to me1 while his snobbery was another weakness that probably led many of his schemes to failure4 ,every summer1 for instance1 he would go for two weeks to ,newport1 where the rank and fashion went4 8,when ,i was at ,newport10 or 8,i am going to ,newport next week10 were phrases his tongue loved to mouth and taste like fine wine4 ,but his brief days there were spent actually in a cheap boarding-house1 although the letters he wrote to all and sundry1 to myself included1 bore one word only as address3 8,newport10 made from a die1 at the head of his coloured paper4 ,it was von ,schmidt1 then1 who warned me about ,brodie and his eau-de-,cologne business3 8,he is a fool1 a peasant4 ,there will be trouble there4 ,do not identify yourself with him or his business4 ,it is not worth while44440 ,and his manner conveyed that he could tell something more definite if he liked1 which ,i verily believe was the case4 ,brodie1 ,i was convinced later1 paid him tribute4 ,i began to feel uncomfortable4 ,one day ,i asked ,brodie1 point blank1 what his recipe was and how he came by it8 8,that's me own beezness10 he replied4 8,there's nothing to be nairvous about40 ,i consulted 8old ,louis40 8,if you feel the faintest doubt10 was his answer1 8you should leave at once40 ,i decided to get out4 ,brodie asked me to wait the current month4 ,i agreed4 ,before the end of the month1 however1 when ,i left the eau-de-,cologne business1 a most unpleasant and alarming incident occurred4 ,the terrible thing1 long dreaded in a vague kind of way1 had overtaken me at last4 ,i was to be convicted of a crime ,i had not committed4 ,i might even be sent to gaol4444 ,brodie's outlandish furnishing of his rooms has been mentioned purposely2 they were filled with an assortment of showy trash that could not have deceived a charwoman2 fifty dollars would have covered everything4 ,he was proud of his curtains1 rugs and faked draperies1 however2 showed them off with the air of a connoisseur2 hinted at their great value4 ,he had insured them1 it always pleased him to mention4 ,the ,new ,york ,journal1 describing the eviction scene1 had referred to his fine apartment 8furnished with exotic taste and regardless of cost10 adding this touch of colour which was certainly not my own4 ,brodie1 thus encouraged in print1 promptly took out another fire policy in a second company4 ,and one day1 while toying with his flagons1 he mentioned casually that he was having 8me place done up a bit10 new paint1 new paper were to be put on1 and--might he bring his clothes to my room until this was finished1 as his own cupboard space was limited8 ,he brought the suits himself1 carrying them one by one concealed inside a folded overcoat upon his arm4 ,he did this always after dusk4 ,no suspicion stirred in me4 ,my own cupboards were1 of course1 empty4 ,brodie's fine wardrobe now filled them4 ,it all seemed natural enough2 certainly it roused no doubt or query in me2 neither did the party to which ,i was invited a few days later1 which included a 8distinguished0 member1 of course1 a famous dress-designer from ,europe1 with whose publicity campaign in the ,press1 ,brodie had contrived to get his name associated4 ,we were a party of five men1 and we met at our host's rooms before going out to dine1 the rooms that had just been done up2 and attention1 ,i recall1 was drawn particularly to the beauty1 rarity and value of his variegated trash4 ,the electric light was shaded1 a big coal fire burned in the grate1 at a cursory glance the apartment might possibly have produced a favourable impression of expense and richness4 ,but our host did not allow us to linger2 there was a hurried cocktail1 and we were gone4 ,i remember that ,i was last but one in the procession down the stairs from this top floor2 ,brodie1 who had held the door open for us to pass1 came last4 ,also ,i remembered later1 that as we reached the next flight1 he said he had forgotten something1 and dashed upstairs again to fetch it4 ,a moment later he rejoined us in the street1 and we all went on to dinner4 8,it was a kind of house-warming party10 he explained4 ,the evening passed pleasantly4 ,we went on to ,koster and ,biel's music hall1 and after that1 to supper in some ,tenderloin joint or other4 ,and it was here ,i first noticed a change in our host4 ,something about him was different4 ,his behaviour was not what was normal to him4 ,his face was pale1 his manner nervous and excited2 though there was no drink in him to account for it1 he was overwrought1 unusually voluble1 unable to keep still for a single moment4 ,i had never seen him like this before1 and the strangeness of his behaviour arrested me4 ,once or twice1 propos of nothing1 he referred to the money he had spent on his apartment2 and more than once in asides to me1 he spoke of the value of his rugs and curtains1 engaging my endorsement1 as it were4 ,the other men1 who knew him less intimately1 probably noticed nothing1 or1 if they did1 attributed it to the excitement of alcohol4444 ,but it made me more and more uneasy4 ,i didn't like it2 ,i watched him attentively4 ,i came to the strange conclusion1 long before the evening was over1 that he was frightened4 ,and when he met suggestions that it was time for bed with obstinate refusals1 anxious and nervous at the same time1 ,i knew that he was more than frightened1 he was terrified4 ,once when ,i asked him whether he felt unwell1 there was startled terror in his cunning eyes as he whispered3 8,i dreamed of rats last night4 ,something bad will be coming40 ,his face was white as chalk4 ,to dream of rats1 with him1 always meant an enemy in the offing2 a dozen times he had given me instances of this strange superstition2 to dream of an acquaintance in connexion with these unpleasant rodents meant that this particular acquaintance was false1 an enemy1 someone who meant him harm4 ,i1 therefore1 understood the allusion in his mind1 but this time1 for some reason1 ,i did not believe it4 ,he was lying4 ,the terror of a guilty conscience was in those startled eyes and in that sheet-white skin4 ,i felt still more uneasy4 ,i was glad ,i had put my resignation from the 8beezness0 in writing4 ,there was trouble coming in connexion with that recipe1 and ,brodie already knew it4 ,it was after two in the morning when we reached home4 ,my rooms were a couple of streets before his own1 but he begged me to see him to his door4 ,his nervous state had grown1 meanwhile1 worse and worse2 his legs failed him several times1 seeming to sink under his weight2 he took my arm2 more than once he reeled4 ,there was something about it all1 about himself particularly1 that made my skin crawl4 ,the awful feeling that ,i1 too1 was to be involved increased in me4 ,as we turned out of ,fourth ,avenue into his street1 a loud noise met us3 a prolonged1 hoarse sound1 a clank of machinery in it somewhere1 another sound as well that pulsed and throbbed4 ,a dense crowd blocked the way4 ,there was smoke4 ,a fire engine was pumping water into a burning building--the one that ,brodie lived in4 ,these details ,i noticed in the first few seconds1 but even before ,i had registered them ,brodie uttered a queer cry and half-collapsed against me4 ,he was speechless with terror1 and at first something of his terror he communicated to me1 too4 ,my heart sank into my boots4 ,the 8rats0 ,i understood instantly1 had nothing to do with his eau de ,cologne recipe4 ,this was a far more serious matter4 ,fires were no new thing to me1 and this evidently was only a small one1 but1 none the less1 people might have been burned to death4 ,telling my companion to wait for me1 and to keep his mouth shut whatever happened1 ,i produced some paper and pushed my way through the crowd to the police cordon1 saying ,i was from the ,evening ,sun4 ,though ,i had no fire-badge1 the bluff worked4 ,i ran up the steps of the familiar house4 8,which floor is it8 ,how did it start8 ,is it insured8 ,is anybody burned80 ,i asked a fireman4 ,the answer came and ,i jotted it down2 it was the top floor1 how it started was unknown1 nobody was hurt--it was heavily insured4 ,it had been burning for four hours1 the worst was over1 the fire was out2 only steam and smoke now filled the staircase and corridors4 ,the street was covered with a litter of ruined furniture4 ,the occupants of the lower floors stood about in various attire2 ,i caught unpleasant remarks as ,i dashed upstairs to ,brodie's floor4 ,hoses1 ,i found1 were still at work2 the room we had left six hours before was gutted2 a gaping hole permitted a view of the room on the floor below1 and this hole began immediately in front of the grate4 ,a black woolly mat with long hair1 ,i remembered1 had lain on the floor just there4 ,the unpleasant remarks1 as ,i ran up1 had reference to insurance2 phrases such as 8over-insured10 8too well insured0 were audible4 ,they were the usual phrases uttered at the scene of a ,new ,york fire1 where arson was as common as picking pockets2 ,i had heard them a hundred times2 they had furnished clues for my newspaper stories4 ,on this occasion they held a new significance4 ,brodie shared my folding-bed that night1 but he did not sleep4 ,he cried a good deal4 ,he said very little4 ,he referred neither to the loss of his stuff1 nor to the fact of its being covered by insurance1 nor to how and why the fire started4 ,he was frightened to the bone4 ,next day1 when we visited the burned apartment to secure what fire and water had spared1 ,brodie was abused and scarified by the inmates as he went upstairs4444 ,weeks of keen anxiety followed1 of worse than anxiety4 ,the insurance companies refused to pay the claims1 which ,brodie1 after much hesitation1 had sent in4 ,they decided to fight them4 ,the lawyer--a scheister1 meaning a low1 unprincipled type of attorney who would take any case for the money it might contain--bled my friend effectively by preying on his obvious fear4 ,he was summoned to give witness before a hearing in the offices of the company1 and ,i shall never forget his face when he met me that night with the significant words3 8,they know everything about me1 everything about you too4 ,they even know that ,i took all my clothes to your room before it happened4 ,they are going to summon you to give evidence too40 ,i consulted with 8old ,louis10 telling him the full story1 but making no accusations4 8,few people are worthy to live with10 was his comment1 8fewer still to share one's confidence4 ,you must tell the truth as you know it4 ,you have nothing to fear40 ,i was searchingly examined by the company's lawyer and my evidence made1 ,i saw1 a good impression4 ,no awkward leading questions were put4 ,brodie had been kind to me2 ,i knew nothing definite against him2 in his ignorance1 which ,i described1 he might well have thought his possessions were of value4 ,it had nothing to do with me1 at any rate1 and there was a perfectly good explanation for his clothes being in my cupboard4 ,none the less1 it was a trying ordeal4 ,worse1 however1 was to follow4 ,the fire marshal1 recently appointed1 a proverbial new broom1 was out to put down the far too frequent arson in the city4 ,fire ,marshal ,mitchell--,i see his face before me still--intended to prosecute4 ,this was a bombshell4 ,my imaginative temperament then became1 indeed1 my curse4 ,waiting for the summons was like waiting for the verdict of a hostile jury4 ,i waited many days1 hope alternating with fear4 ,i felt sure ,i was being watched the whole time4 ,brodie and ,i never met once4 ,i changed my room about this time1 though for reasons entirely disconnected with this unpleasant business 7,i had obtained a violin pupil in another house71 and ,i wrote to the fire marshal informing him of my new address1 in case1 as ,i understood was probable1 he might want my evidence4 ,but what really alarmed me most was my inside knowledge of ,new ,york justice4 ,i had seen too many innocent men sent up2 ,i had heard faked evidence in too many police cases2 ,i knew that1 without a 8pull10 ,i stood but little chance of escaping a conviction as an accessory to what they would call a wanton case of arson4 ,i was not even on the staff of a newspaper at the time4 ,i had no influence of any sort behind me4 ,nor were my means of support too 8visible10 a ,britisher1 a highly-connected ,britisher into the bargain1 it was just what the new-broom fire marshal was looking for4 ,it would make a big case for the ,press4 ,the agony of mind ,i endured was ghastly1 and the slow delay of long waiting intensified it4444 ,one evening1 on coming home about dusk1 ,i saw a strange man in the little hall-way of my house4 ,he asked me my name4 ,i told him4 ,he handed me a blue paper and went out4 ,it was the long-expected subpna from the fire marshal4 ,i was summoned to attend at eight o'clock two mornings later in his office4 ,my emotions that night and the next day were new experiences to me2 ,i heard the judge sentence me1 saw myself in prison for a term of years with hard labour4 ,i began to feel guilty4 ,i knew ,i should say the wrong thing to the fire marshal4 ,i should convict myself4 ,the truth was the truth1 but everything pointed against me2 ,i knew ,brodie as a friend1 ,i was his business associate1 was frequently in his rooms1 had accepted kindnesses from him1 ,i needed money badly1 ,i had hidden his good clothes in my cupboards a few days before the fire4 ,i had been with him on that particular night1 ,i had left the room with him--last of the party4 ,i should be looked upon as guilty1 it was for me to clear myself4 ,prejudice against me1 too1 as an ,englishman would be strong4 ,the ,boyde episode would be revived1 and twisted to show that ,i consorted with law-breakers4 ,i should stammer and hesitate and appear to be hiding the truth1 to be lying1 and ,i should most certainly look guilty4 ,the thing ,i dreaded had come upon me4 ,i thought of my home and family4 ,it all made me realize with a fresh sharpness the kind of world poverty had dragged me down to1 with the contrast between what ,i had been born to and what ,i now lived in4444 ,i needed every scrap of strength and comfort my books could give me4 ,that ,i was exaggerating like a schoolboy never occurred to me4 ,i suffered the tortures of the damned1 of the already condemned1 at any rate4 ,that ,i was innocent of wrong-doing was1 for some reason1 no consolation3 ,i had got myself into an awful mess and should have to pay the price4 ,the wildest ideas filled my brain2 ,i would call and enlist the influence of ,mc,cloy1 of various officials1 of headquarters detectives1 of ,d4 ,l4 ,moody the ,revivalist1 who was then preaching in ,new ,york and who had been a guest in my father's house1 of the ,exchange ,place banker1 even of von ,schmidt1 though fear of blackmail stopped me here4 ,but reflection told me how useless such a proceeding would be4 ,the ,republicans1 besides1 were in power at the time1 and ,tammany had no 8pull40 ,i even thought of ,roosevelt1 whom1 as ,president of the ,police ,board1 ,i had often interviewed4 ,the fire marshal would rejoice in the case1 of course1 for1 as with the ,boyde story1 the newspapers would print it at great length4 ,there lay much kudos for him in it4 ,i had no sleep that night1 as ,i had no friend or counsellor either4 ,i thought of spending it in ,bronx ,park with the trees1 but it occurred to me that1 if ,i were being watched1 the act might be interpreted as an attempt to escape--for what would a ,new ,york fire marshal make of my love of nature8 ,the following day1 as the dreaded examination grew closer1 was a day of acute misery--until the late afternoon1 when ,i met by chance the man who saved me4 ,i shall always believe1 at least1 that 8saved0 is the right word to use4 ,a coincidence1 as singular as the coincidence of catching ,boyde1 was involved4 ,fate1 anyhow1 brought me across the path of ,mullins1 the one man who could help1 just at the time and place1 too1 where that help could be most effectively given4 ,the word coincidence1 therefore1 seems justified4 ,mullins1 the ,irishman1 was an editorial writer on the ,evening ,sun when ,i was a reporter there2 he disliked the paper as heartily as ,i did1 and his ambition was to join the staff of the ,new ,york ,times1 where ,muldoon1 another ,irishman1 a boon companion1 was ,city ,editor4 ,he had proved a real friend to me in my days of gross inexperience4 8,if ever ,i get on the ,times10 he used to say1 8,i'll try and get a place for you1 too4 ,it's a fine1 clean paper1 and they treat a man decently40 ,he had realized his ambition just about the time ,i went into the eau-de-,cologne business1 but had said there was no vacancy for me4 ,there might be one later4 ,he would let me know4 ,for months1 however1 we had not met1 and the matter had really left my mind4 ,and it was now1 when ,i was casting about in a state of semi-panic for someone who might help me1 that ,i suddenly thought of ,mullins4 ,as a last hope1 rather1 ,i thought of him1 for it seemed a very off-chance indeed4 ,for various reasons ,i did not act upon the idea1 but ,mullins was in my mind1 so much1 so persistently1 so often1 that ,i kept seeing him in passers-by4 ,i mistook several strangers for ,mullins1 until close enough to see my mistake4 ,then1 suddenly1 in ,union ,square1 towards evening1 ,i did see him4 ,i was sitting on a bench4 ,he walked past me4 ,he was on his way to an assignment4 ,i told him the whole story1 making no accusations1 but omitting no vital detail4 ,he listened attentively1 his face very grave4 ,he shared my own misgivings4 8,it's just the kind of case ,mitchell's looking for10 he said4 8,he wants to make a splash with it4 ,but ,i think ,i can fix it for you4 ,guess what my assignment is at this moment80 ,and then he told me4 ,his job that evening was a special interview with ,mitchell1 a descriptive story of the newly-appointed fire marshal1 his personality and character1 his plans for suppressing arson1 and it was to be a front-page article4 ,mullins could make him or mar him2 he had a free hand in the matter2 the ,times was a ,republican organ4 ,it would mean a great deal to ,mitchell4 8,he comes from my part of ,ireland10 said ,mullins with a grin and a wink4 ,and then he added that he had spoken to ,muldoon about me only the day before1 and that ,muldoon had promised me a place on the paper the moment it was possible--in a few weeks probably4 8,i shall just mention to ,mitchell that you're going on the ,times10 was his significant parting word to me1 as he hurried off to keep his appointment4 ,my examination next morning was robbed of much of its terror4 ,the fire marshal was evidently not quite sure of himself1 for1 if manner1 voice and questions were severe1 ,i detected an attitude that suggested wavering4 ,a shorthand writer behind me took down every word ,i uttered1 and the searching examination about the clothes1 my social and business relations with ,brodie1 my knowledge1 if any1 concerning the value of his rugs and curtains1 especially concerning the night of the fire and the details of how we left the room1 gave me moments of acute discomfort4 ,although ,mitchell rarely once looked straight at me1 ,i knew he was observing my every word and gesture1 the slightest change in facial expression1 too4 ,he confined himself entirely to questions1 allowing no hint of his own opinion to escape him1 and yet1 to my very strung-up attention1 he betrayed the uncertainty already mentioned4 ,i1 of course1 confined myself entirely to answers1 brief1 but without hesitation4 ,my instinct1 right or wrong1 was to protect ,brodie1 a man who had shown me real kindness4 ,i remembered the meals1 for one thing4 ,in any case1 it was not for me to express opinions1 much less to bring an accusation4 ,and1 towards the end of a gruelling half-hour1 ,i began to feel a shade more comfortable4 ,when1 with a slightly different manner1 the fire marshal began to ask personal questions about my own career1 ,i felt the day was almost won4 ,i gave a quick outline of my recent history1 though ,i never once mentioned the name of ,mullins2 let fall the detail1 too1 that ,i was an ,irishman1 and1 a little later1 seizing an opening with an audacity that surprised myself even while ,i said the words1 ,i congratulated ,mr4 ,mitchell upon his campaign to crush out the far too frequent arson in the city4 8,as a newspaper man10 ,i gave this blessing1 and the shot1 ,i instantly saw1 went home4 ,if ,i could be of any use to him on the ,times1 if any suspicious case came my way1 ,i added that ,i should always be glad to serve him4 ,for the first time the fire marshal smiled4 ,i shot in a swift last stroke for ,brodie1 though an indirect one4 8,but you don't want any misfires10 ,i ventured1 inwardly delighted that the play on the word amused him4 8,a big case that failed of a conviction would be damaging40 ,we shook hands as ,i left soon after1 though the final comfort he denied me4 ,for when ,i mentioned that my present address would always find me 8if you need me again10 he merely bowed and thanked me4 ,he did not say1 as ,i hoped he would1 8your presence will not be required any more40 ,,chapter ,,xxxii ,six weeks later1 when the torrid summer heat was waning and ,september breezes had begun to cool the streets1 the nights1 at any rate1 ,i found myself a reporter on the staff of the ,new ,york ,times4 ,my salary of #ce a week seemed incredible4 ,it was like coming into a fortune1 and its first effect was to make a miser of me4 ,i had learned the value of the single cent2 ,i found myself fearful of spending even that cent4 ,i understood why people who pass suddenly from want to affluence become stingy1 complaining always of being hard-up4 ,i determined to save4 ,i opened an account in a ,savings ,bank against another rainy day4 ,this trait1 acquired in my unhappy ,new ,york period1 remains in me still1 ,i notice4 ,never have ,i known from that time to this what it means to be comfortably off1 free from financial anxiety for more than a month or two ahead1 yet each time an extra bit of money comes in1 ,i am aware of the instinct to be extremely1 unnecessarily careful of each penny4 ,the less ,i have1 the more reckless ,i feel about spending it1 and vice versa4 ,those six weeks1 however1 before ,muldoon sent for me1 proved the most painful and unhappy of all my ,new ,york days4 ,there was something desperate about them2 ,i reached bottom4 ,it was the darkest period before the dawn1 though ,i had no certainty that the dawn was breaking4 ,my income from the eau de ,cologne business was ended1 my free-lance work struck a bad streak1 the artists were still out of town1 the studios consequently empty2 my violin pupil had gone to ,boston4 ,it was during this ,august that ,i slept in ,central ,park1 and passed the night--for there was not much sleep about it--beneath the ,bronx ,park trees as well1 though ,i had to walk all the long weary way to get there4 ,it was1 also1 par excellence1 the height of the dried-apple season4 ,with the exception of ,old ,louis1 occasionally ,mullins too1 ,i had no companionship4 ,brodie1 who by the way received no money from the insurance companies1 but equally1 escaped a worse disaster1 ,i never saw again4 ,the post on the ,times1 meanwhile1 seemed far away1 highly problematical too4 ,my comforts were ,bronx ,park1 occasionally open-air music1 ,louis1 and my own dreams1 speculations and1 chief of all1 the ,bhagavad ,gita4444 ,hours ,i spent in the free libraries4 ,never1 before or since1 did ,i read so many books in so short a time4 ,this free reading1 of course1 never stopped for a moment all the years ,i lived in ,new ,york1 but during these six weeks it reached a maximum4 ,from the 'vantage ground of easier days ,i have often looked back and wondered why ,i made no real effort to better myself1 to get out of the hated city1 to go west1 for a railway pass was always more or less within my power1 and other fellows1 similarly in difficulties1 were always changing occupations and localities4 ,it was due1 ,i think1 to a kind of resignation1 though rather a fierce resignation1 a kind of obstinate spirit of acceptance in me4 8,take it all1 whatever comes10 said this spirit4 8,dodge1 shirk1 avoid nothing4 ,you have deserved it4 ,exhaust it then4 ,suck the orange dry40 ,and1 as if life were not severe and difficult enough1 as it was1 ,i would even practise certain austerities ,i invented on my own account4 ,already ,i felt myself immeasurably old2 life seemed nearly ended2 external events1 anyhow1 did not really matter4444 ,a rolling-stone sees life1 of course1 but collects little1 if any1 fruit2 though ,i made no determined efforts to escape my conditions at this time1 a new adventure ever had attractions for me4 ,having once tasted the essence of a particular experience1 ,i found myself weary of it and longing for a new one4 ,this vagabondage in the blood has strengthened with the years4 ,a fixed job means prison1 a new one sends my spirits up4 ,routine is hell4 ,to take a room1 a flat1 a job by the year1 means insupportable detestation of any of them soon afterwards4 ,it is a view of life that hardly goes to make good citizenship1 but1 on the other hand1 it tends to keep the heart young1 to prevent too early hardening of the mental arteries1 while it certainly militates against the dread disease of boredom4 ,une vie mouvemente has its vagabond values4 ,to a certain side of my nature ,old ,louis's wiser epitaph 78,sorry ,i spoke2 sorry they spoke07 made less appeal than some anonymous verses ,i came across in ,scribner's ,magazine with the title 8,a ,vagrant's ,epitaph0--verses ,i knew by heart after a first reading3 ,change was his mistress2 ,chance his counsellor4 ,love could not hold him2 ,duty forged no chain4 ,the wide seas and the mountains called him1 ,and grey dawns saw his camp-fires in the rain4 ,sweet hands might tremble6--aye1 but he must go4 ,revel might hold him for a little space2 ,but1 turning past the laughter and the lamps1 ,his eyes must ever catch the luring ,face4 ,dear eyes might question6 ,yea1 and melt again2 ,rare lips a-quiver1 silently implore2 ,but he must ever turn his furtive head1 ,and hear that other summons at the door4 ,change was his mistress2 ,chance his counsellor4 ,the dark firs knew his whistle up the trail4 ,why tarries he to-day8444 ,and yesternight ,adventure lit her stars without avail4 ,the plague of possessions1 at any rate1 has never troubled me1 either actually or in desire1 while the instinct to reduce life to its simplest terms has strengthened4 ,the homeless feeling of living in my trunks is happiness1 the idea of domesticity appals1 and the comforts of rich friends wake no echo in me1 assuredly no envy4 ,a home1 as a settled place one owns and expects to live in for years1 perhaps for ever1 is abhorrent to every instinct in me1 and when acquaintances show off with pride their cottage1 their flat1 their furniture1 their 8collections10 even their 8not a bad little garden1 is it80 my heart confesses to a vague depression which makes it difficult to sympathise and give them my blessing4 ,life1 at its longest1 is absurdly brief before health and energy begin to slip downhill2 it is mapped with a cunning network of ruts and grooves from which1 once in1 it is difficult to escape2 only the lucky ones are never caught1 although the 8caught0 are lucky perhaps in another way--they do not realize it4 ,yet even to-day1 when times are bad and the horizon not too clear for some time ahead1 the old dread of starvation rises in me2 ,i never see apple rings in a grocer's window without getting their taste and feeling them rise and swell within me like some troublesome emotion4444 ,to my year and a-half on the ,new ,york ,times ,i look back with nothing but pleasure2 the slogan1 8,all the news that's fit to print10 was practised2 and the men ,i worked with were a good company of decent fellows4 ,muldoon1 a fighting ,irishman with a grim fierce manner and a warm heart1 had a sense of humour and a gift for encouraging his reporters that made them love him4 ,c4 ,w4 ,miller was editor in chief1 and ,carey1 manager4 ,who owned the paper ,i have forgotten1 but it was not ,colonel ,jones who was present at the ,union ,league ,club dinner to my father1 when ,i made my maiden speech some nine years before4 ,hours of work were from noon until the night assignment was turned in1 which meant any time from ten o'clock onwards2 though1 as emergency man1 in case of something happening late1 ,i often had to stay in the office till after one in the morning4 ,proper food1 a new suit1 comradeship with a better class of men1 came1 perhaps1 just in time for me4 ,i remember the pleasure of writing home about my new post4 ,i had a dress-suit again4 ,i saved #ae a week4 ,reporting for a ,new ,york newspaper can never be uneventful1 but the painful incidents of life make deeper impressions than the pleasant ones4 ,to meet the former means usually to call upon one's reserves1 and memory hence retains sharper pictures of them corresponding to the greater effort4 ,on the ,times ,i was happy4 ,two incidents stand out still in the mind1 one creditably pleasing to vanity2 the other1 exactly the reverse4 ,the latter1 though it annoyed ,muldoon keenly at the moment1 fortunately for me appealed to his sense of humour too4 ,he had given me an evening off--that is1 all ,i had to do was to write a brief report of a ,students' ,concert in which his little niece was performing4 8,without straining veracity10 he mentioned with a grin1 8ye might perhaps say something kind and pretty about her60 ,he winked1 whispering her name in my ear4 8,have ye got it80 he asked fiercely4 ,i nodded4 ,was ,i thinking of something else at the moment8 ,was my mind in the woods that lovely evening in spring8 ,at the concert ,i picked out the name ,i remembered and wrote later a sturdy eulogistic notice of an atrocious performer1 saying the very prettiest and nicest things ,i could think of1 then went home to a coveted early bed4 ,but ,muldoon's grim smile next day1 as ,i reported at his desk for an assignment1 gave me warning that something was wrong4 ,he did not keep me in suspense4 ,i had selected for my praise1 not only the crudest performer of the concert--that ,i already knew--but one whom all the other pupils disliked intensely1 and whose name they particularly hoped would be omitted altogether4 ,the niece ,i had not even mentioned4 ,the other incident that stands out after all these years was more creditable4 ,dr4 ,lyman ,abbott1 ,editor of the ,outlook1 which once ,henry ,ward ,beecher edited as the ,church ,union1 was preaching in ,beecher's ,plymouth ,church1 ,brooklyn1 a series of sermons on 8,the ,theology of an ,evolutionist10 and ,muldoon had persuaded the editor-in-chief that a full report on the front page every ,monday would be a credit to the paper4 ,his proposal was agreed to1 apparently without too much enthusiasm4 ,the ,irishman was determined to justify it4 8,i want ye to take it on10 said ,muldoon to me4 8,ye can write shorthand4 ,make it #aej40 ,a column was #ajj4 ,to have a column and a-half on the front page1 if ,i could do it well1 would be a feather in my cap4 ,but my shorthand was poor1 ,i was out of practice too1 bad notes are impossible to read for transcription1 and mistakes would mean angry letters of correction from ,dr4 ,abbott1 probably4 ,monday was my day off4 ,i went to ,plymouth ,church with a new notebook and three soft lead pencils1 duly sharpened at both ends4 ,in the brief interval before ,sunday ,i practised hard4 ,the church was packed to the roof1 as ,i sneaked up the aisle--an unfamiliar place1 ,i felt it6--to a little table placed immediately beneath the pulpit4 ,i came in after the service1 but just in time for the sermon4 ,there were no other reporters present4 ,it thrilled me to see ,dr4 ,abbott1 who1 as a young man of twenty-three1 had heard ,lincoln speak on slavery4 ,the 8,theology of an ,evolutionist0 was an arduous assignment that strained every faculty ,i possessed1 but indifferent shorthand lay at the root of the strain4 ,dr4 ,abbott's delivery was sure and steady1 more rapid than it sounded4 ,he never hesitated for a word1 he never coughed1 or cleared his throat1 or even sneezed4 ,there were none of those slight pauses which help a poor shorthand-writer to pick up valuable seconds4 ,the stream of words poured on relentlessly1 and the rate1 ,i should judge1 was #bej a minute4 ,verbatim reporting was impossible to me4 ,i had to condense as ,i went along1 and to condense without losing sense and coherence was not easy4 ,my pencil was always eight or ten words behind the words ,i actually listened to1 and the ,pitman outlines for the words ,i wrote down had to be recalled1 while1 at the same time1 memory had to retain those being actually uttered at the moment4 ,being out of practice ,i often hesitated over an outline1 losing fractions of a second each time ,i did so4 ,these outlines come automatically1 of course1 to a good writer4 ,then there was the sense1 the proportion1 the relative values of argument and evidence to be considered--matters that could not be adjusted in the office afterwards1 when there was barely time1 in any case1 to transcribe my notes before going to ,press4 ,the interest ,i felt in the subject1 moreover1 delayed my mind time and time again4 ,occasionally a pencil-point would break as well1 and turning it round in my hand meant important delay in a process where each fraction of a second counts4 ,in the office afterwards1 each page transcribed was whipped away by a printer's devil before it could be reconsidered and re-read4 ,i invariably went to bed after these evenings in church with a splitting headache2 but the #aej appeared duly on the front page every ,monday morning1 though whether good or bad ,i had no inkling4 ,my impression1 due to ,muldoon's silence1 was that my reports were hardly a success4 ,when the last of the long series came my opening report was confused and inaccurate owing to an announcement from the pulpit which embarrassed me absurdly4 ,dr4 ,abbott mentioned briefly that numerous requests to print the sermons had reached him1 but that he did not propose to do so4 ,he referred those interested1 instead1 to the reports in the ,times which1 he took pleasure in saying1 were excellent1 accurate and as satisfactory as anything he could do himself4 ,being the only reporter present1 ,i felt conspicuous at my little table under the pulpit in the immense building4 ,but ,i remember the pleasure too4 ,it was an announcement ,i could use1 was bound to use1 indeed1 in my own report next day4 ,muldoon would be pleased4 ,on the ,tuesday morning1 when ,i appeared at his desk1 he looked at me with such a fierce expression that ,i thought ,i was about to be dismissed4 8,have ye been to your locker80 was all he said4 ,in the locker1 however1 ,i found a letter from ,dr4 ,abbott to the editor-in-chief1 thanking him for the reports of the sermons1 reports1 he wrote1 8whose brevity1 accuracy1 and intelligence furnish a synopsis ,i could not have improved upon myself40 ,he added1 too1 another important sentence3 8by your reporter whom ,i do not know40 ,it was not favouritism therefore4 ,a brief chit to be handed to the cashier was in my locker too4 ,my salary was raised to #dj a week4 ,the headaches had proved worth while4 ,the year and a-half with the ,times was a happy period1 though long before it ended ,i had begun to feel my customary weariness of the job1 and a yearning for something new4 ,the newspaper experience1 which began with the ,evening ,sun1 was exhausted for me4 ,the pleasant and unpleasant sides of it ,i knew by heart4 ,though ,i took no action1 my mind began to cast about for other fields4 ,i had saved a little cash4 ,my thoughts turned westwards1 ,california1 the ,pacific ,coast1 the bright sunshine and blue waters of the southern seas even4 ,i was past twenty-seven4 ,to be a ,new ,york reporter all my life did not appeal4 ,nor was it yet time to go back to ,england4 ,no trace of literary faculty1 nor any desire to write1 much less a consciousness that ,i could write perhaps1 had declared themselves4 ,my summer holidays of two weeks ,i spent again in the backwoods1 with a view to some woodland life which was to include1 this time1 ,old ,louis1 too4 ,obstacles everywhere made me feel1 however1 that it was not to be1 for though they were obstacles ,i could have overcome1 ,i took them as an indication that fate had other views for my future4 ,when a thing was meant to be1 it invariably came of itself1 ,i found4 ,my temperament1 at any rate1 noted and obeyed these hints4 ,old ,louis1 too1 who was to collect his poems in our woodland home1 to write new ones as well1 met all practical suggestions with1 8,let us consider1 ,figlio1 a little longer first40 ,he was to write also a political history of the ,united ,states and 8,i must collect more data before ,i am ready to go40 ,the dread of being fixed and settled1 a captive in a place ,i could not leave at a moment's notice1 did not operate where ,nature was concerned4 ,the idea of living in the forests had no fear of prison in it4 ,events1 moreover1 which brought big changes into my life had always come1 ,i noticed1 from outside1 rather than as a result of definite action on my own part4 ,a chance meeting in a hotel-bar set me reporting1 a chance meeting with ,mullins landed me on the ,times1 a chance meeting with ,angus ,hamilton in ,piccadilly ,circus led to my writing books1 a chance meeting with ,william ,e4 ,dodge now suddenly heaved me up another rung of life into the position of private secretary to a millionaire banker4 ,to me it has always seemed that some outside power1 but an intelligent power1 pulled a string each time1 and up ,i popped into an entirely new set of circumstances4 ,this power pushed a button1 and off ,i shot in a direction at right angles to the one ,i had been moving in before4 ,this intelligent supervision ,i attributed in those days to ,karma4 ,in the mind1 though perhaps with less decision there1 it operated too4 ,a book1 a casual sentence of some friend1 an effect of scenery1 of music1 and an express-lift mounts rapidly from the cellar of my being to an upper story1 giving a new extended view over a far1 a new horizon4 ,much that puzzles in the obscurity of the basement outlook becomes clear and simple4 ,the individual who announces the sudden change is unaware probably how vital a rle he plays in another's life4 ,he is but an instrument1 after all4 ,when1 by chance1 ,i found ,mr4 ,dodge next me in a ,broadway cable car1 my first instinct was to slip out on to the outside platform before he had seen me1 with1 simultaneously1 a hope that if he had seen me1 he would not recognize me4 ,he was a friend of my father's4 ,we had dined at his house on our first visit to ,new ,york1 and once or twice since then our paths had crossed for a moment or two4 ,he was a man of great influence1 and of tireless philanthropy1 a fine1 just1 high-minded personality4 ,he stared hard at me4 ,before ,i could move1 he had spoken to me by name4 8,how was ,i getting along80 he inquired kindly1 and did ,i 8like ,new ,york80 ,what was ,i 8doing at the moment80 ,i seized the opportunity and told him of my longing to get out of newspaper work4 ,he listened attentively2 he examined me1 ,i was aware1 more than attentively4 ,in the end he asked me to come and see him for a personal chat--not in his office1 but in his house4 ,he named a day and hour4 ,an invitation to his office ,i should have disregarded4 ,it was the kindness of 8my house0 that won me4 ,but the interview was disappointing1 rather embarrassing as well to me4 ,he asked many personal questions about my life and habits1 it was all very business-like and chilling4 ,in the end he mentioned vaguely that ,james ,speyer1 of ,speyer ,bros41 was thinking1 he believed1 of engaging a secretary1 and that possibly--he could not say for certain--he might1 when he next saw him1 suggest my name for the post4 8,of course10 he added1 still more cautiously1 8you will understand ,i must make inquiries about you at the ,times40 ,he promised to let me know if anything further came of it4 ,for many weeks ,i heard no word4 ,then ,i wrote4 ,the reply asked me to call at his office4 ,he was kindness and sympathy personified4 8,the ,times gives you an excellent character10 he informed me1 8and say they will be very sorry to lose you4 ,i am sorry there has been this delay40 ,he handed me a personal letter to ,james ,speyer4 ,he invited me to dinner in his house the following evening4 ,before brushing up my dress-suit for the occasion--my first dinner in a decent house for many years--,i had seen ,mr4 ,speyer and had been engaged at a salary of #b1jjj a year for a morning job1 from #h till #b o'clock daily1 with a general supervision during the day of his town and country houses1 horses1 servants1 charities1 and numerous other interests4 ,the dinner in ,mr4 ,dodge's ,fifth ,avenue palace was a veritable banquet to me4 ,immediately opposite1 across the avenue1 was the other palace occupied by ,james ,speyer4 ,it was all rather bewildering1 a new world with a vengeance4 ,years among the outcast of the city had not precisely polished my manners1 nor could ,i feel at my ease thus suddenly among decent folk again4 ,i remember being absurdly tongue-tied1 shy and awkward1 until ,m4 de ,chaillu1 who was present1 began to talk about books1 stars1 natural history1 and other splendid things1 and took me with him into some unimaginable seventh heaven4 ,i had moments of terror too1 but the strongest emotion ,i remember is the deep gratitude ,i felt towards ,mr4 ,dodge4 ,a further tiny detail clings as well1 when ,i was invited for a week-end to the ,dodge country house on the ,hudson1 and was bathing with the son4 ,he was1 like myself1 six feet three inches1 well built1 but well covered too1 his age perhaps close on forty4 ,as we stood on the spring-board waiting for our second dive1 he looked at me4 8,you certainly haven't got a tummy10 he remarked with admiring envy4 8,i wish ,i were as thin60 ,and the casual words made a queer impression on me4 ,i realized abruptly how little of certain real values such people knew 444 how little these protected people ever could know4 ,i still see his admiring1 good-humoured1 kindly expression1 as he said the empty words4444 ,james ,speyer1 brother of ,edgar1 who later became a baronet and member of the ,privy ,council1 was what we called in ,new ,york a 8white man40 ,i hardly think ,i proved an ideal private secretary4 ,his patience and kindness began at the first trial interview ,i had with him1 when my shorthand--he dictated a newspaper financial paragraph full of unfamiliar terms--was not at its best1 8not very grand10 were the actual words he used4 ,as for bookkeeping1 ,i told him frankly that 8figures were my idea of hell10 whereupon1 after a moment's puzzled stare1 he laughed and said that keeping accounts need not be among my principal duties4 ,a clerk from the office could come up and balance the books every month4 ,the phrase about hell1 the grave expression of my face1 he told me long afterwards1 touched his sense of humour4 ,the huge book in which ,i kept his personal accounts proved1 none the less1 a daily nightmare1 with its nine columns for different kinds of expenditure--,charities1 ,housekeeping1 ,presents1 ,loans1 ,personal1 and the rest4 ,it locked with a key4 ,i spent hours over it4 ,no total ever came out twice alike4 ,yet ,mr4 ,hopf1 the bright-eyed1 diminutive ,german from the office1 ran his tiny fingers up and down those columns like some twinkling insect1 chatting with me while he added1 and making the totals right in a few minutes4 ,max ,hopf1 with his slight1 twisty body1 looked like an agile figure of #c himself4 ,in his spare time1 ,i felt sure1 he played with figures4 ,he was a juggler in my eyes4 ,the first week in my new job was a nervous one1 though ,mr4 ,speyer's tact and kindly feeling soon put me at my ease4 ,my desk at first was in a corner of an unused board room in the bank1 where ,i sat like a king answering countless letters on a typewriter4 ,the shorthand was discarded2 ,i composed the replies from verbal hints and general indications4 ,clerks treated me with respect2 language was decent2 surroundings were sumptuous2 it was some time before ,i 8found0 myself4 ,the second morning a caller was shown in1 somebody to see ,mr4 ,speyer4 ,he took a chair beside my desk1 stared fixedly at me1 opened his mouth and called me by my ,christian name--it was the ,exchange ,place banker who used to stay in my father's house and who had last seen me in bed at ,east #aith ,street4 ,he congratulated me4 ,i found out1 incidentally1 then1 how much my swindling friend of those days had 8touched0 him for on my behalf 444 and repaid it4 ,james ,speyer proved a good friend during the two years or so ,i spent with him2 he treated me as friend1 too1 rather than as secretary4 ,my office was transferred to his palatial residence in ,madison ,avenue1 a new house he had just built for himself1 and it was part of my job to run this house for him1 his country house at ,irvington on the ,hudson as well4 ,these establishments1 for a millionaire bachelor1 were on a simple scale1 though the amount of money necessary for one man's comforts staggered me at first4 ,a married ,french couple were his chief servants1 the woman as cook1 the man as butler2 they had been with him for a long time2 they eyed the new secretary with disfavour2 they were feathering their nests very comfortably1 ,i soon discovered4 ,my hotel experience in ,toronto stood me in good stead here4 ,but ,mr4 ,speyer was a generous1 live-and-let-live type of man who did not want a spirit of haggling over trifles in his home4 ,i gradually adjusted matters by introducing a reasonable scale4 ,the ,french couple and ,i became good friends4 ,i enjoyed the work1 which included every imaginable duty under the sun1 had ample time for exercise and reading1 and my employer's zest in the ,university ,settlement ,movement ,i found particularly interesting4 ,james ,speyer was more than a rich philanthropist3 he had a heart4 ,the column for ,charities and ,presents in the book ,mr4 ,hopf juggled with once a month was a big one1 while that for ,personal ,expenditure was relatively small4 ,when ,i dined alone with him in the luxurious panelled room ,i realized that life had indeed changed for me4 ,his house1 too1 was filled with beautiful things4 ,he had rare taste4 ,his brother ,edgar1 whose ,english career had not yet begun1 stayed with him on his periodical visits from ,frankfurt4 ,there was music then1 big dinner-parties too1 to which ,i was sometimes invited4 ,social amenities were not always quite easy1 for the position of a ,jew in ,new ,york ,society was delicate1 but ,i never once knew ,james ,speyer's taste or judgment at fault4 ,his intelligence showed itself not only in finance2 he was intelligent all over2 imaginatively thoughtful for all connected with him1 and his philanthropy sprang from a genuine desire to help the unfortunate4 ,for ,jews ,i have always had a quick feeling of sympathy1 of admiration4 ,i adore their intelligence1 subtlety1 keen love of beauty1 their understanding1 their wisdom4 ,in the best of them lies some intuitive grip of ancient values1 some artistic discernment1 that fascinates me4 ,i found myself comparing ,alfred ,louis with ,james ,speyer2 their reaction1 respectively1 upon myself showed clearly again the standard of what1 to me1 was important3 the one1 alone among his unchangeable1 imperishable 8,eternities10 unaware of comfort as of fame1 unrecognized1 unadvertised1 lonely and derelict1 yet equally as proud of his heritage as the other who1 in a noisier market sought the less permanent splendours of success and worldly honour4 ,one filled his modern palace with olden beauty fashioned by many men1 the other had stocked his mind with a loveliness that money could not buy4 ,one financed a gigantic railway enterprise1 the other wrote the 8,night ,song40 ,all the one said blessed and ornamented the mind1 all the other said advised it4 ,one parted with a poem as though he sold a pound of his own living flesh1 the other was pleased1 yet a trifle nervous1 when ,muldoon--thinking to help me in my job--wrote a panegyric of easy philanthropies in the ,brooklyn ,eagle1 to which his fierce activities had now been transferred from the ,times4 ,both taught me much4 ,from one1 singing amid his dirt in an attic1 ,i learned about a world that1 hiding behind ephemeral appearances1 lies deathlessly serene and unalterably lovely2 from the other1 about a world which far from deathless and certainly less serene1 flaunts its rewards upon a more obviously remunerative scale4 ,of both poet and financier1 at any rate1 ,i kept vivid1 grateful1 pleasant memories4 ,between the unsavoury world ,i had lived in so long and the new one ,i had now entered1 the ,old ,man of ,visions1 himself at home in all and every kind of world1 always seemed a bridge4 ,his personality spread imaginatively1 as it were1 over all grades and through all strata of humanity4 ,in my slow upward climb he seemed to hand me on1 and in return for his unfailing guidance it was possible to make his own conditions a trifle more comfortable3 possible1 but not easy1 because there was no help he needed and did not positively scorn4 ,he watched my welfare with unfailing interest1 but nothing would induce him to buy a new hat1 a new frock-coat1 an umbrella or a pair of gloves4 8,our memories1 at any given moment10 says ,bergson1 8form a solid whole1 a pyramid1 so to speak1 whose point is inserted precisely into our present action40 ,on that 8point0 old ,louis still drives through my mind and wields an influence to-day4444 ,the happier period with ,james ,speyer was1 of course1 an episode1 like my other experiences4 ,it was wonderful to draw a good salary regularly for pleasant work2 to have long holidays in the ,adirondacks1 or moose-shooting in the woods north of the ,canadian ,pacific ,railway2 wonderful1 too1 when my employer went to ,europe for three months1 to know myself in charge of such big interests1 with a power of attorney to sign all cheques4 ,but the usual restlessness was soon on me again1 desire for a change stirred in my blood4 ,the ,spanish-,american ,war1 ,i remember1 made me think of joining ,roosevelt's ,rough ,riders1 a scheme both ,speyer and ,louis strongly disapproved1 and that an attack of typhoid fever rendered impossible in any case4 ,it was during convalescence that it occurred to me ,i was nearing thirty1 and that if ,i meant to live in ,america all my life1 it was time to become naturalized4 ,and this thought caused me to reflect on the question of going home4 ,my sister1 with her children1 passed through ,new ,york about this time1 returning from ,south ,australia1 where her husband was ,governor1 and it was at dinner in my employer's house1 where he had invited them1 that the longing to return to ,england suddenly declared itself4 ,to find myself among relatives who called me by the unfamiliar childhood name1 woke ,english memories1 ,english values1 and brought back the ,english atmosphere once more4 ,my mother was still alive4444 ,i remember that dinner well4 ,my sister brought a tame little ,mexican monkey with her4 ,a man1 also1 called to ask ,mr4 ,speyer for help1 and when ,i went to interview him in the hall1 his long story included a reference to something ,mr4 ,dodge1 he declared1 had done for him4 8,mr4 ,dodge gave me this10 he said1 and promptly scooped one eye out of its socket and showed it to me lying in the palm of his hand4 ,the glass eye1 the monkey1 remain associated in my mind still with the rather poignant memories of forgotten ,english days my sister's visit stirred to life1 and with my own emotions as ,i reflected upon the idea of going home at last4 ,a chance meeting1 again1 worked its spell4 ,i had felt that half a universe separated me from the world in which my relatives lived1 but after they had gone ,i began to realize various things ,i had not appreciated before4 ,new ,york1 ,i saw1 could furnish no true abiding city for my soul which1 though vagabond1 yet sought something more than its appalling efficiency could ever give4 ,what did ,i miss8 ,i could name it now1 but ,i hardly named it then perhaps4 ,i was always hungry there1 but with a hunger not of the body merely4 ,the hunger1 however1 was real1 often it was devastating4 ,with such a lop-sided development as mine had been1 my immaturity1 no doubt1 was still glaring4 ,the sense of failure1 ,i know1 at any rate1 was very strong4 ,my relatives had been travelling1 and they reflected a colour of other lands that called to me4 ,thought and longing now turned to an older world4 ,there were ancient wonders1 soft with age1 mature with a beauty and tenderness only timelessness can give1 that caught me on the raw with a power no ,yosemites1 ,niagaras1 or ,grand ,canyons could hope to imitate4 ,size has its magic1 but size bludgeons the imagination1 rather than feeds it4 ,my heart turned suddenly across the sea4 ,i loved the big woods1 but behind1 beyond the woods1 great ,egypt lay ablaze4444 ,i talked things over with the ,old ,man of ,visions2 he advised me to go home4 8,see your mother before she dies10 he urged4 8,i cannot come with you1 but ,i may follow you40 ,he added3 8,i shall miss you10 then dropped into poetry1 as he always did when he was moved4444 ,it was these talks with ,old ,louis about ,england1 the atmosphere of ,england as well1 that my sister somehow left behind her1 my own yearnings now suddenly reawakened too1 that decided me4 ,my detestation of the city both cleared and deepened4 ,i began to understand more vividly1 more objectively1 the reasons for my feeling alien in it4 ,i missed tradition1 background1 depth4 ,there was a glittering smartness everywhere4 ,the great ideal was to be sharper1 smarter than your neighbour1 above all things sharp and smart and furiously rapid1 above all things--win the game4 ,to be in a furious rush was to be intelligent1 to do things slowly was to be derided4 ,the noise and speed suggested rapids2 the deep1 quiet pools were in the older lands4 ,display1 advertisement1 absence of all privacy ,i had long been aware of1 naturally2 ,i now realized how little ,i desired this speed and glittering brilliance1 this frantic rush to be at all costs sharper1 quicker1 smarter than one's neighbour1 to win the game at any price4 ,i realized why my years in the city had brought no friendships1 and why they had been starved as well as lonely4444 ,some months passed before ,i booked a passage1 however4 ,i was sorry to leave ,james ,speyer4 ,then one day he spoke to me about--marriage4 ,for a year or more ,i had noticed his friendship with ,mrs4 ,lowry1 a ,christian1 well-known figure in the social world2 and1 being the confidant of both parties1 ,i had done all ,i could to encourage a marriage that promised happiness and success4 ,in due course1 ,bishop ,potter1 of ,new ,york1 officiated4 ,the ceremony was performed in the drawing-room1 and just before it began1 ,james ,speyer came up to me1 took the beautiful links out of his cuffs1 and handed them to me4 8,i should like you to have these10 he said1 8as a little memento40 ,i have them still4 ,a few months later1 just before ,i was thirty1 ,i found myself in a second-class cabin in a ,cunarder1 with my savings in my pocket4 ,old ,louis1 who followed me a year or two later1 came down to see me off4 ,i was glad when the ,statue of ,liberty lay finally below the sea's horizon1 but ,i shall never forget the thrill of strange emotion ,i experienced when ,i first saw the blue rim of ,ireland rise above the horizon a few days later4 ,a shutter dropped behind me4 ,i entered a totally new world4 ,life continued to be mouvemente1 indeed1 one adventure succeeding another1 and ever with the feeling that a chance letter1 a chance meeting might open any morning a new chapter of quite a novel kind2 but my ,american episodes were finished4 ,of mystical1 psychic1 or so-called 8occult0 experiences1 ,i have purposely said nothing1 since these notes have sought to recapture surface adventures only4 ,,index 8,a ,case of ,eavesdropping10 #beb ,abbott1 ,dr4 ,lyman1 sermons on the theology of an ,evolutionist1 #bib et seq4 tribute to ,n4,y4 ,times report of his sermons1 #bid ,aberdeen1 ,lord1 ,governor-,general of ,canada1 #ff ,advertising extraordinary1 #aje ,ahlwardt1 ,rector1 anti-semitism of1 #bbi his meeting at ,cooper ,union ,hall1 #bbi et seq4 ,alden1 ,mr41 and ,a4 ,h4 ,louis1 #bga ,amityville1 a quasi lunatic asylum at1 #bbf ,anti-semitic campaign in ,new ,york1 #bbi et seq4 ,apples1 dried1 and hot water1 as hunger-appeaser1 #aaa ,arson1 frequency of1 among ,jews1 #ajf ,barnum and ,bailey's ,circus1 a banquet at1 #bbf ,beattie1 ,mr41 ,boyde and1 #bjf ,beauchamp1 ,montague1 #bc ,belloc1 ,hilaire1 an article by1 based on author's book1 #bbd ,bennett1 ,sterndale1 ,a4 ,h4 ,louis a pupil of1 #bfi ,benson1 ,archbishop1 ,a4 ,h4 ,louis's memories of1 #bfh ,bernhardt1 ,sarah1 interview with1 #ajf ,bernstein1 ,mrs41 a long-outstanding account with1 settled1 #bac and her third floor back1 #hj reduces rent--and why1 #he removes to another house1 #bji 8,bhagavad ,gita10 the1 world-scripture of1 #cb ,bingham1 ,billy1 former proprietor of the ,hub1 #ag1 #ci et seq4 ,black ,forest1 schooldays in the1 #bd ,blackwood1 ,algernon1 a childish recollection of his mother1 #bei a poem in ,the ,week by1 #ch an earl's visit to ,sun office1 #bcj an interlude of play-acting1 #bee et seq4 and ,boyde3 a scene1 #afa et seq4 and the ,hub hotel1 #ad1 #af et seq41 #ci et seq4 as reporter in the ,tombs1 #ii et seq4 as story-teller1 #bbb as violinist1 #e1 #df1 #ge1 #hc1 #hg1 #ajg1 #afh1 #ahj assigns his interest in the ,hub1 #fa attends a ball at ,government ,house1 #ff becomes a partner in an eau de ,cologne business1 #bgc1 #bgd beginning of friendship with ,alfred ,h4 ,louis1 #bff credited with powers of ,black ,magic1 #gg 8cribs0 from an intoxicated reporter1 #ajh death of his father1 #ce1 #bca 8detachment0 method of1 #ea1 #bbg1 #bbh disagreement with ,dr4 ,huebner1 #aef discovers ,boyde's forgery1 #acb dissolves partnership with ,cooper1 #ad ,edinburgh ,university course of1 #ad1 #ea eighteen months on staff of ,new ,york ,times1 #bhh et seq4 essays magazine writing1 #hd evangelical upbringing of1 #bj1 #bc1 #bg1 #ga examined on a charge of arson1 #bhf first experience of morphine1 #agh five months on ,lake ,rosseau1 #gc et seq4 free-lance journalism1 #beb1 #bgd friendship with a dying doctor1 #eh et seq4 his mother's letters1 #beh improvises accompaniment to 8,invocation to ,opium10 #afh interviews a lion1 #ajb interviews in ,tombs prison cell before trial1 #aja learns ,french1 #cg literary apprenticeship of1 #f loses faith in mankind1 and a regretted act1 #baj et seq4 maiden speech of1 #e1 #bia off to the goldfields1 #bce et seq4 on staff of ,evening ,sun1 #ia parents of1 #ag1 #ah1 #ba et seq4 partner in dairy concern1 #aj et seq4 pawnbroking experiences1 #hh1 #aaj1 #abj1 #beb plays in ,drinkwater's 8,oliver ,cromwell10 #bef poses in studios1 #dd1 #aeh reads ,patanjali's 8,yoga ,aphorisms10 #bh et seq4 receives a visit from ,pauline1 #aeb reports a raid on a quasi lunatic asylum1 #bbf reports ,dr4 ,lyman ,abbott's sermons1 #bib et seq4 resumes duties on ,evening ,sun1 #bji returns from ,muskoka lakes1 #gh returns to ,england1 #cjd secretary to ,james ,speyer1 #big et seq4 tackles ,boyde re a forged cheque1 #ach et seq4 talks with ,boyde in his cell at ,tombs prison1 #bjb teaches ,french1 #e1 #g translates ,french stories1 #ajb1 #abd1 #abh1 #abi unhappy days in ,new ,york1 #bhh visited by a banker3 further disclosures concerning ,boyde1 #adh visits of an eccentric ,german doctor1 #aaf1 #abj1 #abe visits winter quarters of ,barnum and ,bailey's circus1 #bbf warned against ,boyde1 #aab1 #ace1 #acf1 #adg warns a pastor's daughter against ,boyde1 #aci 8,whitey's0 useful hints to1 #if1 #ig1 #ih why an opening in ,c4,p4,r4 did not eventuate1 #ff et seq4 works by1 #ec1 #gh1 #ajb1 #abc1 #afc1 #ahb1 #bbc1 #bbd1 #beb ,blackwood1 ,sir ,arthur 7father71 a disregarded counsel of perfection of1 #gf and the ,hub venture1 #dj death of1 #ce1 #bca farewell to author1 #dj fted in ,new ,york1 #e marriage of1 #ba religious and temperance views of1 #ag1 #ah1 #ba et seq41 #cj ,bond1 ,bligh1 his 8,gate of ,remembrance10 #bbh ,bookkeeping1 author's frank opinion of1 #bih ,borden1 ,lizzie1 interview with1 #ajj ,bostock's ,circus1 a lion escapes from3 reporting the episode1 #ajb et seq4 ,boyde1 ,arthur ,glyn1 an echo of1 #bii arrest of1 #aih author's attachment to1 #ajh1 #aaa committed for trial to ,general ,sessions1 #bja communicates with ,sir ,a4 ,blackwood1 #bjb confessions of1 #aci1 #add1 #bjf disguises himself1 #afj duplicity of1 #acb1 #ach et seq41 #adi1 #afj1 #bjf1 #bjg1 #baa his varied experience of ,new ,york1 #hf et seq4 hunt for1 #ahb et seq4 last sight of1 #bjg letters to author from ,tombs prison1 #bjc et seq4 meeting with1 #hf sentenced1 #bjc telegraphs news of his marriage1 #aea uneasy suspicions regarding1 #aai1 #abb1 #abd1 #abi1 #aca1 #acd warrant for arrest of1 #afc ,brodie1 as salesman1 #bge heavy insurances of--and a fire1 #bgh et seq4 how he obtained recipe for eau de ,cologne1 #bgc introduction to1 #bgb social aspirations of1 #bgc ,bronx ,park1 ,sundays in1 #baf et seq4 ,brooklyn ,bridge1 reflections on1 #ha ,buddhism1 a ,german doctor's opinion of1 #agj author's interest in1 #h1 #ea1 #ed ,dr4 ,withrow and1 #h ,calder1 introduces himself1 #baj uninvited1 sleeps in author's bed1 #baa ,campbell1 ,sir ,alexander1 ,governor of ,ontario1 #ff ,canada1 social customs unwittingly broken by author in1 #ff ,canadian ,pacific ,railway1 how an opening in1 was lost1 #fe et seq4 ,canoeing on ,canadian lakes1 #gd ,carey1 ,mr41 manager of ,new ,york ,times1 #bia ,clay1 ,cecil1 introduction to1 #ij ,clothes1 interchangeable1 #aaj ,conversion1 reflections on1 #bc et seq4 ,cooper1 ,alfred1 partner in ,islington ,jersey ,dairy1 #aj et seq4 ,cooper1 ,mr41 news-editor of ,evening ,sun1 #ie ,cox1 ,cleveland1 posing for1 #aeh ,crayford1 home life at1 #cc1 #dj ,croker1 ,boss1 head of ,tammany1 #bcb ,dana1 ,charles ,a41 editor of ,evening ,sun1 #ic ,davies1 ,acton1 #baa and the ,boyde story1 #bja ,davis1 ,richard ,harding1 a play by1 #hf an interview with1 #hc ,boyde and1 #bjf ,davis1 ,r4 ,h41 witnesses capture of an escaped lion1 #ajc de ,chaillu1 ,m41 #big ,de ,quincey's 8,confessions10 ,dr4 ,huebner and1 #abe1 #afh ,dixon1 his tight-rope walk across the ,niagara1 #acj ,dodge1 ,william ,e41 a chance meeting with1 #bie et seq4 ,drug stores and their attraction1 #ig ,drummond1 ,professor1 ,sunday lectures at ,edinburgh of1 #cb ,dufferin1 ,lord1 a photograph of1 in ,hub hotel1 #dc ,duluth1 and the gold rush1 #bdj 8,earth's ,earliest ,ages10 ,pember's1 #cj ,easter ,day in the ,black ,forest1 #be ,eau de ,cologne business1 author and1 #bgb et seq4 ,edinburgh ,university1 author at1 #ad1 #ea 8,education of ,uncle ,paul1 ,the10 #abc ,elephants1 their fear of rats1 #bbf ,eliot1 ,george1 and her ,sunday receptions1 #bfi ,etruria1 launching of1 #e ,evening ,sun1 slogan of1 #ia ,evening ,world1 the1 a scoop in1 #ih ,evolutionist theology1 sermons on1 #bib et seq4 ,ffoulkes1 ,maude1 author's indebtedness to1 #bbd 8,final ,word1 ,the0 7poem71 #bfg ,free-lunch counters1 #hg1 #ij ,freytag1 ,german reporter1 #bjb1 #bbi his advice to author1 #ajj ,frohman1 ,daniel1 and ,angus ,hamilton1 #bbb ,gallup1 a half-breed guide1 #bdj camp-fire stories of1 #bdb ,galt1 ,sir ,thomas1 #f ,germans1 talkative1 #bea ,gibson1 ,charles ,dana1 author poses for1 #aeh ,gilmour1 jealousy of--and a realistic performance1 #bef-g ,gilmour1 organizes a theatrical touring company1 #aab1 #aaf ,gladstone1 ,right ,hon4 ,w4 ,e41 ,a4 ,h4 ,louis and1 #bfh ,goff1 ,john1 replaces ,judge ,smythe as ,recorder1 #bcb ,gold1 a quest in search of1 #bce et seq4 ,gosse1 ,edmund1 8,father and ,son0 of1 #bb ,grant1 and author1 #aad hears and witnesses ,boyde's confession1 #adj et seq4 warns author against ,boyde1 #ace1 #acf1 #adg ,hamilton1 a clergyman publicly thrashed in1 #bcc ,hamilton1 ,angus1 #bba1 #bbb and author's stories1 #bbc1 #bbd suicide of1 #bbd ,harcourt1 ,sir ,william1 president of ,cambridge ,union1 #bfh ,harper's ,magazine1 publication of ,a4 ,h4 ,louis's poems in1 #bfg ,harris1 ,carlyle1 electrocuted1 #aja ,haschisch1 an experiment with1 #ahb ,haultain1 ,arnold1 private 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,louis and1 #bfh4 ,lion1 an escaped1 a 8strong man0 and1 #ajd 8,listener1 ,the10 author's1 #afc1 #bff ,louis1 ,alfred ,h41 advice re eau de ,cologne business1 #bgg and politics1 #bfh1 #bfi arrives1 and a description of1 #bac as editor1 #bfi breakdown of1 #bfi buried in a ,hebrew cemetery1 #bff ,cambridge days of1 #bfh claims to be original of ,daniel ,deronda1 #bji condemns ,gladstone1 #bfh 8,hereafter0 of1 #bgj his farewell to author1 #cjd legal attainments of1 #bfi meeting with1 #bfb 8,night ,song0 of1 #bfd1 #bfe1 #bga self-chosen epitaph of1 #bfg1 #bij 8,the ,final ,word0 of1 #bfg unfailing guidance of1 #cja ,lowry1 ,mrs41 marries ,james ,speyer1 #cjd ,lunatic asylum 7a quasi71 raid on1 #bbf et seq4 ,manchester1 ,duchess of1 marries ,sir ,a4 ,blackwood1 #ba ,manning1 ,cardinal1 ,a4 ,h4 ,louis and1 #bfi ,mantell1 ,bob 7,shakespearean actor71 #he introduces author to ,cecil ,clay1 #ij 8,max ,hensig1 ,bacteriologist and ,murderer10 author's story of1 #ajb1 #afc ,mc,cloy1 ,mr4 7managing editor of ,evening ,sun71 #ia and author1 #bba interview with1 #ib recollections of1 #id1 #ie ,mc,kay1 owner of olive-oil warehouse1 #bfb1 #bfc ,messe noire1 a1 and its performers1 #bae ,methodist ,magazine1 author on staff of1 #f et seq4 ,miller1 ,c4 ,w41 editor in chief of ,new ,york ,times1 #bia ,mitchell1 ,fire-,marshal1 examines author1 #bhf prosecutes ,brodie1 #bhb ,moody and ,sankey visit ,england1 #bc ,morning ,post1 an article on the genus 8ghost story0 in3 its writer1 #bbd ,morphine1 and its effects1 #agb et seq41 #agh1 #agi ,morris 7a reputed 8stiff0 and cut-throat71 #bdh an instance of his kindness1 #bdi ,mosquitoes of ,rainy ,lake ,city1 #bdg ,muldoon1 ,mr41 and author's report of a students' concert1 #bib ,city editor of ,new ,york ,times1 #bhe1 #bia joins staff of ,brooklyn ,eagle1 #cjj ,mullins1 editorial writer on ,evening ,sun1 #bhd ,muskoka ,lakes of ,northern ,ontario1 #gc1 #gd ,mystical minor poet1 a1 #ee et seq4 ,nash1 ,eveleigh1 publishes stories by author1 #bbd ,nature1 spell of1 and its influence on author1 #cb1 #ce1 #di et seq41 #afi1 #bah1 #bcc1 #bcf1 #bch1 #bdj ,new ,york1 a lively anti-semitic meeting at1 #bbi horrors of1 #ajh1 #aji miseries of summer heat in1 #bca ,new ,york ,times1 author on staff of1 #bhh slogan of1 #ia1 #bia ,newspaper reporting1 reminiscences of1 #bbe et seq4 8,night ,song10 poem by ,a4 ,h4 ,louis1 #bfd1 #bfe1 #bga ,novelists1 instances of their creative power1 #gg ,olive-oil1 its value as food1 #bfb ,opium1 the ,invocation to1 #afh1 #afi1 #ahj ,otto1 waiter in ,krisch's1 #bfj ,palmer1 ,lynwood1 and ,boyde1 #aei1 #bjf1 #bjh attends trial of ,boyde1 #bjc kindness to author1 #aeh ,patanjali1 8,aphorisms0 of1 #bh et seq41 #bee ,pawnbroking1 experiences of1 #hh et seq41 #aaj1 #abj1 #beb ,paxton1 #bcc1 #bcf et seq41 #bdf1 #bdi ,pember1 ,g4 ,h41 evangelical writer of prophetic school1 #cj1 #ca ,police1 ,new ,york1 the ,tammany system and1 #ajg1 #ahc ,potter1 ,bishop1 officiates at wedding of ,james ,speyer1 #cjd ,prison as 8a proper vestibule to a city of ,damned ,souls10 #aji ,rainy ,lake ,city1 arrival at1 #bdf desolateness of1 #bdh ,rainy ,river district1 gold discovered in1 #bcb ,reporter1 a drunken1 #ajh ,reporting for ,new ,york papers1 experiences acquired from1 #ib ,revivalist movement1 author and1 #bc ,roosevelt's ,rough ,riders1 #cja ,roper1 and ,boyde1 #aig1 #aih1 #aii ,ryan1 a ,tammany magistrate1 #bja ,schmidt1 8,von10 personality of1 #bgf warns author against ,brodie1 #bge1 #bgg et seq4 ,scott1 ,mr41 revivalist1 #bh ,scribner's ,magazine1 8,a ,vagrant's ,epitaph0 in1 #bij ,selton1 ,morton1 and his understudy1 #hf ,sevenoaks1 a reminiscence of schooldays at1 #bec ,shakespearean rehearsals on ,lake ,rosseau1 #ge1 #gg ,smedley1 ,mr41 posing for1 #aab1 #aeh ,smith1 ,goldwin1 and his private secretary1 #cg ,smith1 ,stanley1 #bc ,smythe1 ,judge1 replaced by ,john ,goff as ,recorder1 #bcb sentences ,boyde1 #bjc 8,snipe0 hunting1 definition of1 #bad1 #bae ,social reporting1 experiences of1 #bbe ,sothern advances money to ,boyde1 #bjf ,spanish-,american ,war1 the1 #cja ,spectator reviews author's published stories1 #bbd ,spencer1 ,herbert1 ,a4 ,h4 ,louis's talks with1 #bfi ,speyer1 ,james1 a letter of introduction to1 #big a present to author1 #cjd and the ,university ,settlement movement1 #bii as friend and employer1 #bii as philanthropist1 #bih1 #bii author becomes secretary to1 #big et seq4 marriage of1 #cjd tact and kindly feeling of1 #bih ,speyer1 ,sir ,edgar1 #bih1 #cjj ,spiritualism1 a doctor's exposition of1 #eb1 #ec ,spiritualist1 a cement-maker as1 #ee ,staten ,island1 a cricket match on1 #he1 #hf ,stephen1 ,sir ,george1 #fe ,stevenson1 ,r4 ,l41 a dictum of1 #gh ,stewart1 ,sir ,donald1 #fe ,storey1 ,mr41 editor of ,harper's ,young ,people1 accepts an article by author1 #hd ,strathcona1 ,lord1 #e ,studd brothers 7cricketers71 #bc ,sullivan1 ,tim1 and his rival saloon1 #ai ,tammany ,hall1 a ,committee of ,investigation into methods of1 #bcb ,tammany system1 the1 #ig1 #ajg the 8,tenderloin0 region and1 #ahc ,temperance and ,general ,life ,assurance ,company1 author's post in1 #f1 #ah ,terry1 ,ellen1 interview with1 #ajf ,theosophical ,society meetings1 attendance at1 #ajg ,theosophy1 author's early interest in1 #cb 8,the ,interpreters10 by ,a4 ,e41 #bah1 #bai 8,the ,listener10 #afc1 #bff ,tombs ,police ,court and ,prison1 the1 #ii trial of ,boyde at1 #bjj ,toronto1 author as hotel proprietor in1 #ci ,understanding1 a spiritual wisdom1 #bgj1 #bga ,union ,league ,club dinner1 author's maiden speech at1 #e1 #bia ,university ,settlement movement1 the1 ,james ,speyer and1 #bii 8,vagrant's ,epitaph1 ,a10 #bij van ,horne1 ,sir ,william1 #e1 #fe ,vermin-infested bedroom1 an uncomfortable night in a1 #he ,wallace1 ,professor1 of ,edinburgh ,university1 #ad ,whitey1 a parting present of a bottle of rye whisky1 #bcd1 #bcg hints to author1 #if-ih ,withrow1 ,dr41 editor of ,methodist ,magazine1 #f et seq4 ,yonkers theatre1 a realistic scene in a1 #beg ,zogbaum1 illustrator1 #aeh ,,printed ,,by ,,cassell ,,company1 ,,limited1 ,,la ,,belle ,,sauvage ,,london1 ,e4,c4#d4 ,f4 #bj4ajbc ,transcriber's ,notes ,italics represented by underscores4 ,small caps converted to ,,all ,,caps4 ,footnotes renumbered consecutively and moved to below the paragraph in which they were referenced4 ,obvious typographic errors silently corrected4 ,variation in hyphenation kept as in the original4 ,p4 #aif3 changed 8an awful looked0 to 8an awful look0 to make the sentence grammatical4