,,toasts ,,and ,,forms ,,of ,,public ,,address ,,for ,,those ,,who ,,wish ,,to ,,say ,,the ,,right ,,thing ,,in ,,the ,,right ,,way ,,by ,,william ,,pittenger ,,contents ,,introduction ,,after-,,dinner ,,speeches--,,ancient ,,and ,,modern ,,value ,,of ,a ,,good ,,story ,,and ,,how ,,to ,,introduce ,,it ,,purpose ,,of ,,after-,,dinner ,,speaking ,,some ,a ,b ,c ,,directions ,,for ,,making ,,speeches1 ,,toasts1 ,,and ,,responses ,,holiday ,,speeches ,fourth of ,july ,memorial ,day ,washington's ,birthday ,christmas ,thanksgiving ,,presentation ,,addresses ,,addresses ,,of ,,welcome ,,wedding ,,and ,,other ,,anniversaries ,,toasts ,sentiments ,suggested by a ,toast ,miscellaneous ,toasts ,humorous ,toasts ,,miscellaneous ,,addresses ,centennial or ,semi-,centennial ,dedication of a ,monument or ,unveiling a ,statue ,birthday ,celebration ,reception ,responses to ,toasts at a ,dinner ,responses to ,toasts to ,the ,navy ,responses to ,toasts to ,general ,jackson ,responses to ,toasts to ,the ,workingman ,nominating a ,candidate ,accepting a ,nomination ,speech in a ,political ,canvass ,speech after a ,political ,victory ,speech after a ,political ,defeat ,a ,chairman's or ,president's ,speech ,for ,any ,occasion ,,illustrative ,,and ,,humorous ,,anecdotes ,,index ,,of ,,toasts ,,index ,,of ,,anecdotes ,,introduction ,the author of this manual has at various intervals prepared several treatises relating to the art of speech4 ,their wide circulation is an indication of the demand for works upon this subject4 ,they were intended to embrace the principles which govern speech-making in the forum1 in the pulpit1 or at the bar4 ,while these do not differ essentially from the principles applicable to occasions where the object is only entertainment1 yet there are certain well-defined differences which it is the purpose of this little volume to point out4 ,we hope thus to render the same service to a person who is called upon to offer or respond to a toast in a convivial assembly1 as the author's previous volumes rendered to those preparing to speak upon subjects of a serious and practical nature4 ,that help is needed1 and may be afforded1 no one will deny4 ,a novice called upon to participate in the exercises of a public banquet1 an anniversary1 or other entertainment1 unless he has an experienced friend to give him a few hints or advice1 is apt to be dismayed4 ,he does not even know how to make a start in the work of preparation1 and his sense of inability and fear of blundering go far to confuse and paralyze whatever native faculty he may have4 ,a book like this comes to him at such a time as reinforcements to a sorely pressed army in the very crisis of a battle4 ,as he reads1 some ideas which seem practical1 flash upon him4 ,he learns what others before him have done4 ,if he is to offer a toast1 he examines the list furnished in this volume1 finding one perhaps that pleases him1 or one is suggested which is better adapted to his purpose than any in the book1 and he wonders at the stupidity of the author in omitting it4 ,soon he becomes quite interested in this suggested toast1 and compares it with those in the list to find out wherein it differs4 ,thus gradually and unconsciously he has prepared himself for the part he is to perform4 ,or if invited to respond to a toast1 he passes through a similar experience4 ,he may find the outline of a speech on that very topic2 he either uses it as it is printed or makes an effort to improve it by abridgment or enlargement4 ,next he looks through the treasury of anecdotes1 selects one1 or calls to mind one he has read elsewhere which he considers better4 ,he then studies both of them in their bearings on the subject upon which he is to speak1 and longs for the hour to arrive1 when he will surprise and delight his friends by his performance4 ,he rises to speak conscious that he knows a great deal1 not only about the toast assigned to him1 but about other toasts as well--feels that he has something to say which1 at least1 will fill in the time1 and save him from confusion and discredit4 ,he even hopes to win applause by means of the stories and happy turns with which his speech is interspersed4 ,he has thus satisfactorily taken the first step toward becoming a ready and entertaining after-dinner speaker4 ,the sense of knowing how to do what is expected of him has a wonderfully quieting effect upon his nerves2 and thus the study of this book will greatly add to the confidence of a speaker1 and the effectiveness of his delivery4 ,whatever graces of manner he possesses will become available1 instead of being subverted by an overmastering fear4 ,it is not easy to mention all the uses of such a manual4 ,one who has been accustomed to speaking1 but fears he is getting into a rut1 can turn to this text-book and find something which is not so distressingly his own1 that his friends expect him to parade it before them on all occasions4 ,he may glance over the outline of a speech altogether new and strange to him1 and endeavor to adapt it to his own use2 or he may weave together fragments of several speeches1 or take the framework of one and construct upon it a speech which will enable him to make a new departure4 ,a writer sometimes1 after years of practice1 finds it difficult to begin the composition of some simple reception or commemorative address2 but the reading of a meagre outline1 not one word or idea of which may be directly used1 serves to break the spell of intellectual sloth or inertia1 and starts him upon his work briskly and hopefully4 ,the field covered by the present volume is not entirely unoccupied4 ,one of the earliest publications in this line is an anonymous ,english work1 very dignified and conservative4 ,the speeches it furnishes are painstaking1 but a trifle heavy1 and savor so much of ,english modes of expression1 as well as thought and customs1 as to be poorly adapted to this country4 ,two works have appeared in this country1 also1 one being intended apparently for wine parties only2 the other1 while containing a number of gem-like little speeches1 fails to give the aid which is sought by the ordinary tyro1 and is calculated rather to discourage him2 giving him the impression that it is more difficult to become an acceptable after-dinner speaker than he had ever supposed4 ,while a few of the best things in the latter volume are availed of1 a different method is pursued in the present work4 ,outlines of speeches are preferred to those which are fully elaborated2 and the few plain rules1 by which a thing so informal and easy as an after-dinner speech may be produced1 are so illustrated as to make their application almost a matter of course4 ,good-humor and brevity1 an outline and a story--what more is needed1 unless it be that serene self-confidence which enables a speaker to say even foolish and absurd things1 with the assurance that all goes down at a public dinner8 ,what if you are not the most brilliant1 humorous1 and stirring speaker of the evening8 ,aim to fill your place without discredit2 observe closely those who make a great success2 the next time you may have a better outline or more telling story1 and become1 before you know it1 the leader of the evening4 ,it is not intended to give rules or directions for the order either of drinking or feasting4 ,that field is fully occupied4 ,but the custom of making addresses at the close of a feast has1 been so thoroughly established1 and so frequent are these occasions1 that a gentleman is not fully equipped for a place in society1 if he cannot gracefully offer or respond to a toast1 or preside at a gathering where toasts or other forms of after-dinner speaking are expected4 ,it is the aim of this manual to help the beginner in this field4 ,,after-,,dinner ,,speeches--,,ancient ,,and ,,modern ,an idea of the real meaning of after-dinner speaking may be obtained from the feudal feasts of earlier times4 ,the old lord or baron of the ,middle ,ages partook of his principal meal in the great hall of his castle1 surrounded by guests1 each being assigned his place in formal order and with no small degree of ceremony4 ,this hall was the main feature of the castle4 ,there all the family and guests met on frequent festal occasions1 and after the feasting and the hour of ceremony and more refined entertainment was over1 retired to rest in comparatively small and humble apartments adjoining1 though sometimes they would simply wrap their cloaks about them1 and lie down to sleep on the rushes that littered the floor of the great hall4 ,after the rage of hunger was appeased--which then1 as in our day1 and back even as far as the time of the ancient ,greeks1 was the first business in order--came the social hour1 which meant much to the dwellers in those dull1 comfortless old barracks--for the great castles of that day were little better than barracks4 ,the chief gave the signal for talk1 music1 or story1 previous to which1 any inquiries or conversation1 other than the briefest question and answer about the food or other necessary things1 would have been considered inappropriate and disrespectful4 ,there probably was present some guest1 who came under circumstances that awakened the strongest curiosity or who had a claim upon his entertainer4 ,such a guest was placed at the board in a position corresponding to his rank4 ,after resting and partaking of the repast1 it was pertinent to hear what account he could give of himself1 and courtesy permitted the host to levy an intellectual tax upon him1 as a contribution to the joy of the hour4 ,seated at the head of the table the chief1 or1 in his absence1 a representative1 made the opening speech--the address of welcome1 to use the term familiar to ourselves4 ,this might be very brief or at considerable length2 it might suggest inquiries of any of the company or merely pledge an attentive and courteous hearing to whatever the guest might utter2 it might refer to the past glory of the castle and its lord1 or vaunt its present greatness and active occupation4 ,but whatever form it might take it was sure to consist--as addresses of welcome in all ages have done--of two words1 by dexterously using which1 any man can make a good speech of this character4 ,these two words are ,we and ,you2 and all else not connected with these is irrelevant and useless4 ,they do not constitute two parts of the same speech but ordinarily play back and forth1 like a game of battledore4 ,who we are2 what we have done2 how we saw you2 what we have heard of you2 how great and good you are thought to be2 the joy at your coming2 what we now want to learn of you2 what we wish you to do2 how we desire a longer stay or regret the need of an early departure--all is a variation of the one theme--we and you4 ,the old ,baron probably said all of this and much more in a lordly way1 occupying a longer or shorter time1 without ever dreaming that he was making a speech4 ,it was his ordinary after-dinner talk to those whom chance or fortune brought within his walls4 ,or1 if he prided himself upon being a man of few words1 scorning these as fit only for women and minstrels1 he would simply remind the guest that he was now at liberty to give such an account of himself1 and to prefer such requests as seemed agreeable to him4 ,the guest was then expected to respond1 though this by no means was the rule4 ,the host might wish first to call out more of his own intellectual treasures4 ,this he would do by having other occupants of the castle speak further words of welcome1 or would call upon a minstrel to sing a song or relate some deed of chivalry4 ,when the guest at last rises to speak1 it is still the two pronouns with slightly changed emphasis that play a conspicuous part4 ,the we may become ,i2 but this is no essential change4 ,where ,i or we have been2 what ,i have done1 suffered1 or enjoyed2 how and why ,i came here2 how glad ,i am to be here2 what ,i have known and heard of you2 how we may help each other2 what great enterprises we can enter upon2 how thankful for the good cheer and good words we hear4 ,in the baronial hall1 which foreshadowed the family fireside of later days1 the drinking was free and copious whilst the other portions of the entertainment were of a general character and quite protracted4 ,mirth1 song1 the rude jest1 anecdotes of the chase or of a battle1 or a rehearsal of the experiences of every-day life1 were all in place4 ,sometimes1 the guests1 overpowered by their libations1 are said to have fallen under the table and to have slumbered there till surprised by the pale morning light4 ,there was little need of ceremony in such feasts1 and there is little need of formality or constraint in the far different festal occasions of the present time4 ,when no guest1 either by chance or invitation came to the castle1 less variety could be given to the after-dinner entertainment1 and many expedients were required to pass the long hours that sometimes hung heavily on their hands4 ,then the use of ,toasts became an important feature4 ,the drinking also was expected to arouse interest1 but if it went on in silence and gloom or amid the buzz of trivial conversation in different parts of the hall the unity of the hour was marred and the evening was voted dull--the lord himself then having no more honor than his meanest vassal4 ,but the toast--no matter how it originated--remedied all this4 ,a compliment and a proverb1 a speech and a response1 however rude1 fixed the attention of every one at the table1 and enabled the lord to retain the same leadership at the feast that he had won in the chase or in battle4 ,he might himself propose a toast of his own choice or give another permission to propose it4 ,he might then designate some humorous or entertaining clansman to respond2 he might either stimulate or repress the zeal of the guests1 and give unity to each part of the entertainment and to the whole feast4 ,for these reasons the toast rose into popularity1 and is now often used--possibly it might be said generally used if our own country alone be considered--even when no drinking at all is indulged in4 ,let us now take a look at an after-dinner hour of the present day2 one of the very latest and most approved pattern4 ,the contrast will not be without interest and value4 ,the fare at the dinner is always inviting4 ,the company is large4 ,good speakers are secured in advance4 ,each is given an appropriate toast1 either to propose or respond to4 ,suppose it is a ,new ,england society celebrating ,forefathers' ,day in ,new ,york4 ,the chairman 7who is usually the president of the society7 rises1 and by touching a bell1 rapping on the table1 or in some other suitable manner1 attracts all eyes to himself4 ,he then asks the meeting to come to order1 or if he prefers the form1 to give attention4 ,then he utters a few graceful commonplaces1 and calls upon a guest to offer the leading toast--not always the chief or most interesting one4 ,when one is reached in which there is a lively interest1 some distinguished person such as ,chauncey ,m4 ,depew1 the prince of after-dinner speakers1 comes to the front4 ,we give an outline of one of his addresses on ,forefathers' ,day1 delivered ,december #bb;d1 #ahhb1 in response to the toast1 ,the ,half ,moon and the ,mayflower4 ,in reading this address the ,we and ,you cannot fail to be noted4 ,mr4 ,depew said he did not know why he should be called upon to celebrate his conquerors4 ,the ,yankees had overcome the ,dutch1 and the two races are mingled4 ,the speaker then introduced three fine stories--one at the expense of the ,dutch who are slow in reaching their ends4 ,a tenor singer at the church of a celebrated preacher said to ,mr4 ,depew1 ,you must come again1 the fact is the ,doctor and myself were not at our best last ,sunday morning4 ,the second related to the inquisitiveness of a person who expressed himself thus to the guide upon the estate of the ,duke of ,westminster3 ,what1 you can't tell how much the house cost or what the farm yields an acre1 or what the old man's income is1 or how much he is worth8 ,don't you ,britishers know anything8 ,the third story1 near the close1 set off ,yankee complacency4 ,a ,new ,england girl mistook the first mile-stone from ,boston for a tombstone1 and reading its inscription #a ,m4 from ,boston1 said ,i'm from ,boston2 how simple2 how sufficient4 ,the serious part of the discourse was a rapid statement of the principles represented by the ,dutch pioneer ship ,half ,moon and the ,pilgrim ,mayflower2 the elements of each contributed to national character and progress4 7,for speech in full see ,depew's ,speeches1 ,vol4 ,i47 ,other toasts and responses followed2 eloquence and humor mingled until the small hours of the night4 ,probably not one of that pleased and brilliant assemblage for a moment thought that they were doing at this anniversary what their old1 barbaric ancestors did nightly1 while resting after a border foray or ,viking sea raid4 ,,the ,,value ,,of ,a ,,good ,,story ,,and ,,how ,,to ,,introduce ,,it4 ,no matter how inexperienced a speaker may be or how stammering his utterance1 if he can tell a good story1 the average dinner party will pronounce him a success1 and he will be able to resume his seat with a feeling of satisfaction4 ,the efforts often made to bring in an entertaining story or a lively anecdote are sometimes quite amusing1 but if they come in naturally the effect will unquestionably be happy4 ,almost any story1 by using a little skill1 can be adapted to nearly every occasion that may arise4 ,we may mention a few among which a speaker can scarcely fail to find something to serve his purpose4 ,it is necessary always to be thoroughly familiar with the story and to understand its exact point4 ,no matter how deliberately or with what difficulty you approach that part of your speech where the fun is to be introduced--yet1 when that point is reached there must be no hesitation4 ,it is well to memorize carefully the very words which express the pun1 or the flash of wit or humor which is the climax of the story4 ,the story itself may be found in such a manual as this1 or in some volume of wit and humor4 ,there is no disadvantage in using wit gathered from any source1 if it has not been so often used as to be completely worn out4 ,when a good story is found anywhere and fully memorized and all its bearings and fine points thoroughly understood1 there are two ways of getting it before an audience4 ,the direct way is to say frankly that you have read a story and will tell it4 ,this will answer very nicely when called upon for a speech4 ,few festive audiences are unwilling to accept a story for a speech1 and a proposal to compromise on such terms is very likely in itself to bring applause4 ,but the story in this case should be longer than if it is given as part of a speech4 ,if1 however1 it should prove a failure1 your performance will make a worse impression than when a poor story is introduced into a speech1 although the story may only feebly illustrate any portion of it4 ,for these as well as other reasons most persons will prefer to make an address1 even if it be very brief1 and will endeavor to make the story fit into it4 ,all stories that suggest diffidence1 modesty1 backwardness1 or unwillingness to undertake great things1 can be introduced to show how reluctant the speaker is to attempt a speech1 and if these characteristics are only slightly referred to in the story it may still be used effectively and will leave a favorable impression4 ,if a topic1 a toast1 or a sentiment is given for a response1 any of them may suggest a story2 and after a good story has been told--one that has real point--it will be better to stop without making any attempt at application or explanation4 ,a great help is often found in the utterances of previous speakers4 ,if these have done well1 they may be complimented1 and the compliment so contrived as to lead directly up to the story that is lying in wait2 or something being said with which you heartily agree--however slight a portion of the address it may be--this harmony of views can be used in the same manner4 ,on the other hand1 if you disagree with any of the speakers1 the mere reference to it will excite a lively interest4 ,if this difference is used1 not as the basis of a serious argument1 but only to drag in a story illustrating the disagreement1 the story will nevertheless appear to be very appropriate4 ,if you happen to be the first speaker1 you are by no means without resources4 ,you can then imagine what other speakers are going to say1 and if you can slip in a humorous or good-natured hit at the expense of some of the prominent speakers1 it will be1 highly relished4 ,if you describe what they are likely to say it will be enjoyed1 while if you should happen to mention the very opposite this will be set down as your intention4 ,you may even describe the different speakers1 and be reminded of things that will bring in the prepared story very appropriately4 ,the writer once knew of a very dull speaker1 who scored a great success in a popular meeting1 by describing the eloquent speaker who was to follow4 ,he began by telling how he was accustomed when a boy to take a skiff and follow in the wake of a steamer1 to be rocked in its waves1 but once getting before the huge vessel his boat was swept away1 and he was nearly drowned4 ,this unfortunately was his situation now1 and he was in danger of being swept aside by the coming flood of eloquence4 ,but he asked who is this coming man8 ,it was the first time he had heard of him--then followed the story he had been trying to work in--a story wherein the eloquent man was described as one who could give seventeen good reasons for anything under heaven4 ,the story was a great success4 ,in dumb show1 the speaker he referred to begged for mercy4 ,this only delighted the audience still more1 and when the dull speaker finished it was admitted that1 for once1 he had escaped being stupid or commonplace4 ,he had also forced upon the next speaker the necessity of removing the unpleasant effects of the jokes made at his expense1 a task that required all his cleverness4 ,the manner of introduction by the chairman1 his name or general position1 the appearance of any one of the guests1 the lateness or earliness of the hour1 events of the day that attract interest1 the nature of the entertainment or assemblage--all of these will offer good hooks by which to draw in the story4 ,but let the story be good and thoroughly mastered4 ,of course the work of adaptation will be much easier if you have several stories in reserve4 ,a story must not be repeated so often that it becomes known as belonging to you1 for then a preceding speaker might get a laugh on you by telling it as yours1 leaving you bankrupt4 ,jones and ,smith once rode several miles in a carriage1 together1 to a town where both were to make addresses4 ,jones was quite an orator2 ,smith had a very retentive memory4 ,jones asked ,smith about his speech1 but ,smith professed not to have fully decided upon his topic1 and in turn asked ,jones the same question4 ,jones gave a full outline of his speech1 ,smith getting him to elaborate it by judicious inquiries as to how he would apply one point and illustrate another4 ,the ride thus passed pleasantly for both parties4 ,smith was called upon to speak first1 and gave with telling effect what he had gathered from ,jones1 to the delight of everybody1 but poor ,jones1 who listened in utter consternation1 and had not strength enough left even to reclaim his stolen property4 ,if your speech is to be a story it is especially advisable to have a reserve on hand1 for stories are easily copied and apt to be long remembered4 ,care also must be taken that the story is not one with which persons generally are familiar4 ,a gentleman was in the habit of telling a story which has already been quoted1 the point of which lies in the phrase ,i'm from ,boston4 ,some of his more intimate companions1 in self-defense1 would exclaim when he proposed a story1 ,is it a mile from ,boston8 ,the definition of the toast itself or of any of the words in the sentiment which is the speaker's topic may be made the occasion for drawing in the illustrative story4 ,the manner of ending a good story is also worthy of careful study4 ,when an audience is applauding a palpable hit1 it does not seem an appropriate time to stop and take one's seat2 but it often is the best course4 ,to do this appears so abrupt that the novice is apt to make a further effort to finish up the subject till he has finished up his audience as well4 ,an attempt to fully discuss a topic1 under such circumstances1 is not successful once in a hundred times4 ,the best course is to follow an apt story by some proverb1 a popular reference1 or a witty turn1 and then to close4 ,but no abruptness will be disliked by your hearers half so much1 as the utterance of a string of commonplaces1 after you have once secured their attention4 ,the richness of the dessert should come at the close1 not at the beginning1 of the oratorical feast4 ,,the ,,purpose ,,of ,,after-,,dinner ,,speaking ,briefly stated1 it is to bring into one focus the thought of an assembly4 ,while the good things of the table may be satisfactory1 and conversation free and spontaneous1 there is yet need of some expedient for making all thought flow in one channel1 and of blending the whole company into a true unity4 ,there is one way1 and only one1 of doing this--the same that is used to produce unity of action and thought in any assembly1 for whatever purpose convened4 ,when the destinies of empires are at stake1 when great questions that arise among men are to be solved1 the art of speech must be called into play4 ,so after a good dinner has been enjoyed1 the same potent agency finds a field1 narrower1 indeed1 but scarcely less operative4 ,and this object--of causing a whole assembly to think the same thoughts and turn their attention to a common topic--is often well attained even when the speeches do not aspire to great excellence or pretension to eloquence4 ,a commonplace illustration will make our meaning clear4 ,suppose a great reception1 where many rooms are filled with invited guests4 ,there is conversation1 but only by groups of two or three persons2 refreshments are served2 larger groups begin to gather around prominent persons1 but there is the same diversity of sentiment and purpose that is to be found in a chance crowd in a public park4 ,the guests are not in one place1 with one accord4 ,but now1 on some pretext1 the power of public speech is evoked2 perhaps a toast is offered and responded to1 or a more formal address of welcome or congratulation1 or anything else suitable to the occasion4 ,the subject and the manner of introduction are not material1 so that the living1 speaking man is brought face to face with his fellows2 at once1 instead of confusion and disorder1 all is order and harmony4 ,the speaker may hesitate in the delivery of his message1 but his very embarrassment will in some instances contribute to harmonize the thought of the assembly even more powerfully than a more pretentious address4 ,but a good and appropriate speech will indelibly fix the thought1 and be far more satisfactory4 ,where no particular kind of address is indicated by the nature of the assemblage1 stories and humor will generally be highly appreciated4 ,a good story has some of the perennial interest that surrounds a romance1 and if it is at the same time humorous1 an appeal is made to another sentiment1 universal in the human breast4 ,if people thrill with interest in unison1 or laugh or cry together for a time1 or merely give attention to the same thoughts1 there will arise a sense of fellowship and sympathy which is not only enjoyable1 but is the very purpose for which people are invited to assemblies4 ,more ordinary after-dinner speeches succeed by the aid of humorous stories than by all other means combined4 ,in a very ingenious book of ready-made speeches the turning point of nearly every one depends upon a pun or other trick of speech4 ,while this is carrying the idea a little too far1 still it fairly indicates the importance placed upon sallies of wit or humor as a factor in speech-making4 ,the fellowship that comes from laughing at the same jokes and approving the same sentiments may not be the most intimate or the most enduring1 but it is often the only kind possible1 and should be prized accordingly4 ,the chief use of toasts is to call out such speeches1 and thus lead the thought of the assembly along pleasant and appropriate channels--all prearranged1 yet apparently spontaneous4 ,a long speech is selfish and unpardonable4 ,it wearies the guests1 destroys variety1 and crowds others out of the places to which they have been assigned and are entitled4 ,when the speaking is over1 the company will have been led to contemplate the same themes1 and will have rejoiced1 sympathized1 and laughed in unison4 ,,some ,a ,b ,c ,,directions ,,for ,,making ,,speeches1 ,,toasts1 ,,and ,,responses #a4 ,do not be afraid or ashamed to use the best helps you can get4 ,divest yourself of the idea that all you need is to wait till a toast is proposed and your name called1 and then to open your mouth and let the eloquence flow forth4 ,the greatest genius in the world might succeed in that way1 but would not be likely to venture it4 ,use a book and study your subject well4 #b4 ,generally1 it is not well to memorize word for word either what you have written or obtained from a book1 unless it is a pun or a story where the effect depends upon verbal accuracy4 ,but be sure to memorize toasts1 sentiments1 and titles absolutely4 ,to know the substance of your speech well1 with one or two strong points in it1 is better than to have a flowery oration weighing down your memory4 #c4 ,if you are a novice 7and these directions are given to no others71 do not aim to make a great speech1 but to say a few things modestly and quietly4 ,a short and unassuming speech by a beginner is sure of applause4 ,eloquence1 if you have it in you1 will come later through practice and familiarity with your subject4 #d4 ,if you can't remember or find a good story1 invent one6 ,perhaps you have scruples as to the latter4 ,but a story is not a lie2 if so1 what would become of the noble tribe of novel-writers6 ,mark ,twain gives a very humorous account of the way in which he killed his conscience4 ,probably many speakers who retail good things might make confession in the same direction4 ,but why is it not as reputable to invent one's own story as to tell the story some one else has invented8 ,does the second telling improve its morality8 ,rather give heed to the quality of the story4 ,this1 and not its origin1 is the really important matter to consider4 #e4 ,success in after-dinner speaking is difficult or easy to attain according to the way you go about it4 ,if you think you must startle1 rouse1 and electrify your hearers1 or1 worse still1 must instruct them in something you think important1 but about which they care nothing1 your efforts are likely to be attended by a hard and bitter experience4 ,but if1 when a prospective speech-occasion looms up1 you will reflect upon the sentiment you wish to propose1 or will get a friend to do a little planning and suggest the easiest toast or topic1 and then attempt to say just a little1 you will probably come off with flying colors4 #f4 ,when you rise1 do not be in a hurry4 ,a little hesitation has a better effect than too much promptness and fluency1 and a little stammering or hesitation1 it may be added1 will have no bad effect4 ,in beginning1 your manner can without disadvantage be altogether lost sight of1 and if you have something to say the substance of which is good1 and has been carefully prearranged1 you will be able to give utterance to it in some form2 grammatical mistakes or mispronunciation1 where there is no affectation1 as well as an occasional repetition1 will rarely be noticed4 #g4 ,above all1 remember it may be assumed that your hearers are your friends1 and are ready to receive kindly what you have to say4 ,this will have a wonderfully steadying effect on your nerves4 ,and if your speech consists only of two or three sentences slowly and deliberately uttered1 they will at least applaud its brevity1 and give you credit for having filled your place on the programme respectably4 ,it has been often said that ,americans are greatly ahead of the ,english in general speech-making1 but in pleasant after-dinner talking and addresses they are much inferior4 ,probably this was once true1 but if so1 it is true no longer4 ,the reason of any former deficiency was simply want of practice1 without which no speech-making can be easy and effective4 ,but the importance of this kind of oratory is now recognized1 and1 with proper efforts to cultivate and master it1 ,americans are taking the same high rank as in other forms of intellectual effort4 ,lowell and ,depew are acknowledged as peers of any toast-responder or after-dinner orator the world has ever seen4 ,one of the chief elements of their charm consists in the good stories they relate4 ,whoever has a natural faculty1 be it ever so slight1 as a storyteller1 will1 if he gathers up and appropriates the good things that he meets with1 soon realize that he is making rapid progress in this delightful field1 and that he gains much more than mere pleasure by his acquisitions4 ,the best entertainments are not those which merely make a display of wealth and luxury4 ,quiet1 good taste1 and social attractions are far better4 ,the ,english wit1 ,foote1 describes a banquet of the former character4 ,as to splendor1 as far as it went1 ,i admit it3 there was a very fine sideboard of plate2 and if a man could have swallowed a silversmith's shop1 there was enough to satisfy him2 but as to all the rest1 the mutton was white1 the veal was red1 the fish was kept too long1 the venison not kept long enough2 to sum up all1 everything was cold except the ice1 and everything sour except the vinegar4 ,excellence in the quality of the viands is not to be disregarded in the choicest company4 ,a celebrated scholar and wit was selecting some of the choicest delicacies on the table1 when a rich friend said to him1 ,what6 do philosophers love dainties8 ,why not8 replied the scholar2 do you think all the good things of this world were made only for blockheads8 ,,holiday ,,speeches ,,fourth ,,of ,,july ,at a ,fourth of ,july banquet1 or celebration1 toast may be offered to ,the ,flag1 to ,the ,day1 to ,independence1 to ,our ,revolutionary ,fathers1 to ,the ,nation1 to any ,great ,man of the ,past1 to ,liberty1 to ,free ,speech1 to ,national ,greatness1 to ,peace1 to ,defensive ,war1 to any of the ,states1 to ,washington or ,lafayette1 to ,our ,old ,ally1 ,france1 to any of the ,patriotic ,virtues1 to ,the ,army and ,the ,navy1 to the ,memory of any of the ,battles by ,land or ,sea4 ,appropriate sentiments for any of these may easily be devised or may be found in the miscellaneous list in this volume4 ,the ,constitution and the ,laws or something similar should not be omitted4 ,,some ,,items ,,that ,,would ,,be ,,appropriate ,,in ,,responding ,,to ,,these ,,toasts4 ,their order and character will depend upon the special topic4 ,our present prosperity--the greatness and resources of our country as compared with those of the ,revolutionary epoch--the slow growth of the colonies--the rapid growth of the ,states and the addition of new ,states continually--what was gained by independence--did we do more than simply prevent tyranny--the advantages an independent country possesses over a colony1 such as ,canada--the perils of independence and the responsibility of power--the romantic early history of the country--the wars that preceded the ,revolutionary conflict--the character of the struggle--the slenderness of our resources compared with the mighty power of ,britain--our ally1 ,france--what that nation gained and lost by joining in our quarrel--the memories of ,washington and ,lafayette--the principles at stake in the ,revolution--the narrow view our fathers took of the issue at first1 and the manner in which they were led first to independence and then to nationality--some phases of the struggle--its critical points--,trenton and ,valley ,forge--,saratoga and ,yorktown--our responsibilities and duties--the questions of that day enumerated and compared with the burning questions of the present day 7which we do not enumerate here1 but which the speaker may describe or even argue if the nature of his audience1 or time at his disposal permits7--the future greatness of the nation--the probability of the acquisition of new territory4 ,laughable incidents either from history or illustrations from any source1 must not be forgotten1 for if the speech be more than a few minutes long they are absolutely indispensable4 ,,outline ,,of ,a ,,speech ,,in ,,response ,,to ,,the ,,toast ,,the ,,day ,,we ,,celebrate ,the ,fourth of ,july has been a great day ever since #aggf4 ,before that year the ,fourth of this month came and went like other days4 ,but then a great event happened3 an event which made a great difference to the entire world2 the boundaries of many countries would be very different to-day if the important event of that day had not transpired4 ,it was a terrible blow to the foes of humanity and even to many weak-kneed friends4 ,the exhortation of one of the signers of the ,declaration on that day1 ,we must all hang together1 with the grim but very reasonable rejoinder1 ,if we do not1 we will assuredly hang separately4 ,the bloodshed and suffering which followed and which seem to be the only price at which human liberty and advancement can be procured4 ,we had to deal with our old friends the ,english very much as the peace-loving ,quaker did with the pirate who boarded his ship2 taking him by the collar ,broad-brim dropped him over the ship's side into the water1 saying1 ,friend1 thee has no business on this ship4 ,we have shown that we own and can navigate the ship of ,state ourselves1 and now we are willing to welcome here not only ,john ,bull but all nations of the world when they have any friendly business with us4 ,the gunpowder that has been consumed4 ,first1 during the ,revolutionary war and the second war with ,england2 and then the powder that has been exploded by small and large boys in the hundred and odd ,fourths that have followed4 ,,outline ,,of ,a ,,spread-,,eagle ,,speech ,,in ,a ,,foreign ,,land ,we are so far from home that we can't hear the eagle scream or see the lightning in his eye4 ,only from the almanac do we know that this is the day of all days on which he disports himself4 ,he was a small bird when born1 more than a hundred years ago1 but has grown lively till his wings reach from ocean to ocean1 and it only requires a little faith to see him stretch himself clear over the ,western ,hemisphere and the adjacent islands4 ,other birds despised him on the first great ,fourth1 but these birds of prey1 vultures1 condors and such like1 with crows1 as well as the smaller ,republican eagles born since1 are humble enough to him now4 ,the ,british lion himself having been so often scratched and clawed by this fowl1 has learned to shake his mane and wag his tail rather amiably in our eagle's presence1 even if he has to give an occasional growl to keep his hand in4 ,we are proud of this bird1 though we are far from home1 and to-day send our heartiest good wishes across the sea to the land we love the best4 ,,outline ,,of ,a ,,response ,,to ,,the ,,toast1 ,,our ,,country ,the field here is very wide4 ,all the history of the country is appropriate1 but can only be glanced at1 though a good speech might be made by dwelling at length on some romantic incident in its history4 ,the size and richness of the country from the green pine forests of ,maine to the golden orange groves of ,california2 or the prophecy of the manifest greatness of coming destiny4 ,here the old but laughable story can be brought in easily about the raw ,irishman who saw a pumpkin for the first time1 and was told that it was a mare's egg1 and generously given one4 ,he had the misfortune1 however1 to drop it out of his cart1 when it rolled down-hill1 struck a stump1 burst and frightened a rabbit1 which bounded away followed by ,pat1 shouting3 ,shtop my colt2 sure and if he is so big and can run so fast now1 when just born1 what a rousing horse he will be when grown up6 ,but our country has more than merely a vast area4 ,she has made advances in science1 art1 literature1 and culture of all kinds1 and is destined to play a chief part in the drama of the world's progress4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,memorial ,,day ,the celebration of this day has become general and has assumed a special and beautiful character4 ,it might have been feared that angry passions engendered by civil strife would predominate1 but the very reverse of this is true4 ,kindness and charity1 tender memories of the sacrifices of patriotism1 the duty of caring for the living and of avoiding all that might lead again to the sad necessity of war1 are the sentiments nearly always inculcated4 ,the following are a few of the toasts that may be given at celebrations1 or banquets1 or at the exercises that form a part of the annual decorating of soldiers' graves3 ,the ,martyred ,dead--the ,regiments locally represented--the ,army and ,navy--any ,dead ,soldier especially prominent--the ,union ,forever--the ,whole ,country--,victory always for the ,right--the ,surviving ,soldiers and ,sailors--,unbroken ,peace--the ,commander-in-,chief1 and other officers locally honored--any special battle whose field is near at hand--the ,flag with all its ,stars undimmed4 ,,sketch ,,of ,a ,,speech ,,in ,,response ,,to ,,the ,,toast1 ,,our ,,honored ,,dead ,time in its rapid flight tests many things4 ,thirty years ago the ,southern ,confederacy1 like a dark cloud full of storm and thunderings1 covered the ,southern heavens4 ,statesmen planned1 preachers prayed1 women wept1 and armies as brave as ever formed in line fought1 for its establishment4 ,blood flowed freely1 and the roar of battle filled the whole land4 ,many wise men thought it would continue for ages1 but lo6 it has disappeared4 ,nothing remains to its adherents but a memory--mournful1 pathetic1 and bitter4 ,how different with the ,old ,flag that we love4 ,it had been tested before1 but this was its supreme trial4 ,it had been victorious in several wars4 ,it had sheltered new and expanding ,states1 it had fostered higher forms of civilization1 and represented peoples and interests that were complex and varied2 but in our ,civil ,war it was assailed as never before4 ,the test was crucial1 but nobly was it borne4 ,men died in ranks as the forest goes down before the cyclone4 ,what sharp agony in death1 and what long-continued suffering and bereavement this implies4 ,but the result was decisive--a strengthening of the power and grandeur of the nation that sometimes seems to be only too great and unquestioned4 ,we have no wish by any word of ours to revive bitter feeling or stir up strife4 ,this hallowed day has been from the first a peacemaker4 ,men1 standing with uncovered heads in the presence of the dead1 do not care to utter words of reproach for the irrevocable past4 ,we1 wearing the blue1 can say to the scarred veteran wearers of the gray3 ,you fought well for the lost cause4 ,but the case was fairly tried in the awful court of war4 ,it took four years for the jury to agree1 but the verdict has been given--a verdict against your cause--and there is no higher court and no appeal4 ,there is no resurrection for the dead ,confederacy2 but we can offer you something better--an equal part in the life and destiny of the most glorious nation time has yet produced4 ,and on their side the gray can reply1 in the words of ,colonel ,grady1 the eloquent orator of the ,south1 in his speech at ,atlanta3 ,we can now see that in this conflict loss was gain1 and defeat real and substantial victory2 that everything we hoped for and fought for1 in the new government we sought to establish1 is given to us in greater measure in the old government our fathers founded4 ,we do not meet on these ,memorial ,days to weep for the dead1 as we did while wounds were yet fresh4 ,time has healed the scars of war1 and we can calmly contemplate the great lesson of patriotic devotion1 and rejoice that the nation to which we belong produced men noble enough to die for that which they valued so much4 ,neither do ,i care to say anything of human slavery1 the institution that died and was buried with the ,confederacy4 ,i had enough to say about it while it was living4 ,let the dead past bury its dead4 ,but we are here to foster patriotism1 in view of the most tremendous sacrifice ever willingly made by a people on the altar of nationality4 ,that the sacrifices of the ,civil ,war deserve this rank will appear from the fact that they were made--in the main--by volunteers4 ,we were not fighting directly to defend our altars and our fires2 we were not driven to arms to repel an invading foe2 we were not hurried to the field by king or noble2 but in the first flush of manhood we offered ourselves to preserve unimpaired the unity1 the purity1 the glory of our nation4 ,so far as ,i have turned over the leaves of the volume of time1 ,i have found nothing in all the past like this4 ,therefore1 standing before the highest manifestation of earthly patriotism1 viewing it crowned in all the glory of self-sacrifice1 by a faithfulness which was literally in the case of hundreds of thousands unto death1 we ask3 ,what is there that justifies a nation in exacting or accepting 7when freely offered7 such tribute of the life-blood of its people8 ,the two things of inestimable value which our government furnishes and which we ought to preserve even with life itself1 if the sacrifice is needed1 are liberty and law1 or rather liberty in law4 ,the old world gave law1 without which human society cannot exist4 ,but it was accompanied with terrible suffering--as when order reigned in ,warsaw4 ,such law came from masters1 and made the mass of the people slaves4 ,we have an equal perfection of law1 order1 subordination1 but it rises side by side with liberty ,the people govern themselves--not in one form of government alone but in affairs national1 ,state1 county1 down to the smallest school district and a thousand voluntary societies4 ,in each the methods by which the people's will may be made supreme in designated affairs are clearly defined1 so that the whole of united human effort is brought under the dominion of law1 even such things as general education1 and yet each affair is in the hands of the people directly concerned4 ,for thousands of years the principles of our complex and wonderful system of co-ordinated government have been growing up till they have reached their fullest perfection on our soil1 and we breathe their beneficence as we breathe the air of heaven4 ,men are willing to die by the tens of thousands that this liberty under law may not perish from the world4 444 ,comrades and ,citizens3--,we move forward to new issues and new responsibilities4 ,grave dangers are now upon us4 ,god grant that they may not need to be met and settled in the rude shock of war4 ,the time for wisdom1 for clear-sighted patriotism is--now4 ,labor and capital1 the foundations of law and order2 the complex civilization of a nation which now talks by lightning1 and is hurled by steam over plains and mountains1 and which1 doubtless1 will soon fly through the air--all these are to be settled by the men now on the stage of action4 ,we cannot do better than to tell you1 to settle them in the spirit of the men whose great sacrifices we to-day commemorate4 ,,outline ,,of ,a ,,speech ,,by ,,chauncey ,m4 ,,depew1 ,,on ,a ,,decoration ,,memorial ,,day4 ,this is one of the most interesting of national celebrations1 appealing not to pride1 but to tender personal memories4 ,but we must not give ourselves up wholly to sadness or mourning4 ,the story of issues and results must be told4 ,why did our heroes die8 ,on account of the cancer of slavery and the resulting doctrine of ,state ,rights4 ,nationality and liberty1 the opposite view4 ,the former was the party of action1 and1 therefore1 though in a minority1 it was bolder and more determined4 ,but the shell of materialism dropped from the ,north1 and it was aroused with electric energy when ,sumter was fired on2 there was no passion1 only such fervid resolve to preserve our nation as the world never before saw4 ,the struggle over1 there were no ,state trials1 no prisons nor scaffolds1 and the ,republic1 though bleeding at every pore1 said to the conquered enemy1 ,come and share fully with us all the blessings of our preserved institutions1 and thus won a second victory greater than the first4 ,the wonderful intelligence of the volunteer--story of ,napoleon's soldier--,dead on the field of honor4 ,the ,grand ,army of the elect--the heroes of history1 some of whom are enumerated--the actual value to a nation of such heroism4 ,to-day all that belongs to the strife is forgiven1 but its lessons are too noble and precious ever to be forgotten4 ,we can all1 ,north and ,south1 read with enthusiasm the story of each varied and romantic campaign4 ,the ,confederate women first began decorating the graves of their dead with flowers1 and did not pass by the ,union graves near their late foes4 ,this touched the heart of the nation as nothing else could have done1 and enmity melted away1 and the observance of the day has become universal4 ,the two great national heroes--,washington1 with his wise1 foresighted ,farewell ,address2 ,lincoln1 with his gentle spirit1 his martyr death1 and his tender words1 ,with malice towards none1 with charity for all4 ,washington the ,founder1 ,lincoln the ,preserver4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,washington',s ,,birthday ,,appropriate ,,toasts ,to ,washington--to ,the ,great ,men of ,revolutionary ,times--to ,the ,great ,man who could not do what many modern ,politicians can do--tell a lie--to ,the ,childless ,father of ,eighty ,millions of people--to ,the ,american ,model ,statesman--to ,the ,greatest of ,good ,men and the ,best of ,great ,men4 ,,thoughts ,,for ,a ,,speech ,,in ,,response ,,to ,,the ,,toast ,,washington3 ,,great ,,as ,a ,,soldier1 ,,greater ,,as ,a ,,statesman1 ,,greatest ,,as ,a ,,pure ,,patriot ,indian1 ,french1 and ,english enemies4 ,he had to make the armies with which he conquered4 ,he was always a safe commander1 but full of enterprise also--his character made the ,union of the ,states and the ,constitution possible4 ,his character the best inheritance of the ,american people4 ,other men as great1 possibly in some instances greater in a single field--his greatness shown in the wide union of the noblest kinds of greatness1 all in harmony4 ,,humorous ,,response ,,by ,,benjamin ,f4 ,,butler ,,to ,,the ,,toast1 ,,our ,,forefathers ,while venerating their lofty patriotism1 may we emulate them in their republican simplicity of manners4 ,he declared that a great deal had been said at one time and another about the democratic simplicity of our forefathers4 ,suppose that the gentlemen of the present day should go back to some of the customs of the forefathers4 ,suppose a man should go to a ball nowadays in the costume in which ,thomas ,jefferson1 that great apostle of democratic simplicity1 once appeared in ,philadelphia4 ,what a sensation he would create with his modest 787 costume of velvet and lace1 with knee-breeches1 silk stockings1 silver shoe-buckles1 and powdered wig4 ,even the great father of his country had a little style about him1 said the speaker4 ,it was a known fact that he never went to ,congress when he was ,president unless he went in a coach and six1 with a little cupid on the box bearing a wreath of flowers4 ,the coach must be yellow and the horses white1 and then the ,president's secretary usually followed in a coach drawn by four horses4 ,when ,washington ascended the steps to enter the doors1 he always stopped for a moment and turned slowly around to allow an admiring people to see the father of their country4 ,oh6 our forefathers were saturated with modesty and simplicity4 ,the people of the present day have retrograded greatly from the simplicity of their ,revolutionary ancestors4 ,i can remember when it was impossible1 years before the war1 to hold a night session of ,congress4 ,it was impossible because the members of ,congress attended dinners1 and lingered over their wine4 ,they attended dinners very like the one we have just enjoyed1 and yet there is not a man in this company who is unfitted to attend to any public or private duties that might demand his attention4 ,yes1 it is true that we have departed from the old customs1 but we have advanced and not retrograded4 ,the world has changed1 but it has changed for the better4 ,it is growing better every day1 and don't let anybody forget it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,christmas ,,appropriate ,,toasts ,the ,day of ,good-will--to ,the ,cold ,weather without and the ,warm ,hearts within--to ,the ,christmas ,tree1 which grows in a ,night and is plucked in the ,morning by the gladdest of fingers--to ,the ,day in which ,religion gives sweetness to ,social ,life--,christmas ,gifts2 may they bless the ,giver not less than the ,receiver--to ,the ,oldest of our ,festivals1 which grows mellower and sweeter with the passage of the centuries--to ,st4 ,nicholas or ,santa ,claus1 the only saint ,protestants worship--to ,a ,merry ,day that leaves no heart-ache--to ,a ,good ,christmas1 may sleighing1 gifts1 and feasting crowd out all gambling and drunkenness4 ,,speech-,,thoughts ,the good cheer enjoyed on this merriest day of the year4 ,how the little people look forward to it4 ,it comes to the older ones as a joy1 and yet tender and sad with the memories of other ,christmases4 ,the religious and the secular elements of the day4 ,the countries where it is most observed4 ,the long contest between the two days1 ,thanksgiving and ,christmas4 ,the compromise that ,massachusetts and ,virginia1 ,new ,england and the ,south1 have unanimously agreed upon2 namely1 to keep both days4 ,,selected ,,outline ,,op ,,an ,,effective ,,little ,,christmas ,,speech ,the speaker assumes that the observance of the day is becoming obsolete1 and that there are persons who wish it to die out4 ,the assumption1 though rather strained1 affords the opportunity to demolish this man of straw4 ,all other kings may go1 but no one can spare ,king ,christmas1 or ,st4 ,nicholas1 his prime minister4 ,school-rooms and nurseries would rebel4 ,and plum pudding is too strongly entrenched in ,church and ,state to be dislodged4 ,washington ,irving1 with his ,sketch ,book1 would protest4 ,best argument of all is the worth of the ,christmas entertainments4 ,here's to the ,festival of ,festivals1 and long may its honors be done by such hosts as entertain us to-day4 ,,thanksgiving ,coming at the beginning of the farmer's rest1 when the harvest is all gathered1 this is a very joyous festival1 and more than any other abounds in family reunions4 ,any toast therefore is appropriate which tells of the harvest1 of fertility1 of the closing year1 of the family pride and traditions1 of pleasure to young and old4 ,at dinner1 turkey and mince or pumpkin pie will of course be served1 and these national favorites must not be forgotten by the toastmaker4 ,this day1 too1 has an official and governmental flavor given to it by the ,state and national proclamations which fix the date and invite its observance4 ,usually1 these enumerate the blessings enjoyed by the whole country during the year1 and suggest topics peculiarly fitting for toasts4 ,it is perhaps not too much to say that ,thanksgiving is distinctly the ,american ,festival1 and should be honored accordingly4 ,,toasts ,to ,the ,inventor of ,pumpkin ,pie--to ,peace with all ,nations--to ,the ,rulers of our ,country--to ,the ,farmer--to ,full ,stomachs and ,merry ,hearts--to their ,excellencies1 the ,president and the ,governor2 may we obey all their commands as willingly as when they tell us to feast--,abounding ,plenty2 may we always remember the ,source from which our benefits come--,our two ,national ,fowls1 the ,american ,eagle and the ,thanksgiving ,turkey2 may the one give us peace for all our ,states and the other a piece for all our plates--,the ,turkey and the ,eagle2 we love to have the one soar high1 but wish the other to roost low--,the ,great ,american ,birds2 may we have them where we love them best1 the ,turkeys on our tables and the ,eagles in our pockets4 ,,thoughts ,,for ,a ,,thanksgiving ,,speech ,the manner in which the day was first instituted4 ,the sore struggles and the small beginnings of that day compared with the greatness and abounding prosperity of the present4 ,the warfare between ,christmas and ,thanksgiving1 the one being thought the badge of popery and prelacy4 ,the ,battle of the ,pies1 pumpkin and mince1 terminating in a treaty of peace and alliance2 and now we can enjoy the nightmare by feasting on both combined6 ,the national blessings of the year2 the poorest have more now than kings and emperors had five hundred years ago4 ,exemption from wars4 ,internal peace4 ,willingness and habit of settling every domestic dispute by the ballot1 and not the bullet4 ,the increasing tendency to arbitrate between nations1 thus avoiding the horrors of war4 ,the beneficence of our government and the ease with which its operations rest upon our shoulders4 ,the wonderful progress of science and invention1 and the manner in which these have added to the comfort of all the people4 ,,selected ,,outline ,,foe ,a ,,thanksgiving ,,speech ,why we ought to be grateful to the old ,puritans1 with all their faults4 ,their unsuccessful warfare on plum pudding1 which1 like truth1 crushed to earth1 rose again4 ,their discovery and enshrining of ,turkey4 ,on this day the ,nation gathers as a family at the ,thanksgiving board1 and from all parts of the world the wanderers come home to the family feast4 ,the duty of ,happiness1 joined to gratitude1 is emphasized this day4 ,the closing toast1 ,the ,federal ,eagle and the ,festal ,turkey2 may we always have peace under the wings of the one1 and be able to obtain a piece from the breast of the other4 ,,presentation ,,addresses ,giving a present is a kind and graceful act1 and should be accompanied by a simple1 short1 and unaffected speech4 ,take this would have the merit of brevity1 but would fail in conveying any information as to who gave1 why they gave to the recipient1 and why that present was selected rather than another1 and why the speaker was chosen to make the presentation4 ,all of these items form a part of nearly every presentation address1 whilst some of them belong to all4 ,the novice will find much help in preparing his proposed speech by selecting a few items that are generally appropriate2 afterward he can include anything which his own genius or wishes may suggest4 ,he may say that an abler speaker might have been selected for the pleasant duty1 but not one who could enter into it more heartily or with more good wishes4 ,he can refer to any circumstance which1 if told briefly1 will show why he has been selected1 notwithstanding his reluctance or sense of unworthiness2 or why he is pleased that the selection has fallen upon him4 ,such reference is usually effective4 ,then the nature of the gift may be described4 ,here is an easy field for a little pleasantry4 ,if a watch1 it can be said1 ,your friends are growing a little suspicious of you1 and1 after due deliberation1 they have determined to a place a watch upon you4 ,if a cane is the article in hand1 then the painful duty of administering punishment for offenses by caning is in order4 ,a ring will afford an opportunity for many verbal plays4 ,the ring of friends about the recipient1 the true ring of a bell1 or of an uncracked vase1 a political ring--any of these can be made to lead up to the little hoop of gold4 ,the fineness of the material1 its sterling and unvarying value1 the inscription on it1 any specialty in its form--all these will be found rich in suggestion4 ,silverware of any kind may also be considered as to the form of the article1 the use to which it is to be put1 and the purity of the metal4 ,hardly any article can be thought of which will not allow some pleasant puns or bon mots4 ,if a book is given1 we bring the person to book1 and the book to him4 ,job wished that his enemy might write a book2 we1 more charitable1 wish our friend to read a book1 and now offer him a good one for the purpose4 ,the author or the title will1 if closely examined1 yield some matter for play on words4 ,the army presents of sword or banner1 while usually more serious1 do not forbid the same kind of badinage4 ,but this should form only a small portion of the speech1 and consist merely of two or three well-studied sentences1 to be uttered slowly1 so that their double meaning may have time to sink in1 and appear also as if they were just thought of4 ,a good anecdote should be introduced at this point4 ,it must be short1 tinged with humor1 and1 if it succeeds in arousing the attention of the hearers1 it will be of great value4 ,if it is very appropriate or highly illustrative1 these qualities will compensate for humor4 ,indeed1 a felicitous anecdote will make the whole speech a success1 if the speech is not continued too long afterward4 ,better suffer the extreme penalty of reading every anecdote in this volume1 and of searching for hours in other fields1 than fail to get the right one2 but if unsuccessful invent one for the occasion6 ,the good qualities of the recipient must not be overlooked1 especially those in recognition of which the present is given4 ,if anything in the nature of the present itself can be made symbolic of these assumed good or great qualities1 it will be a happy circumstance4 ,and while flattery should not be excessive or too palpable1 it is seldom indeed that a large dose of pleasant things will not be well received by all parties on such an occasion4 ,the expression of kindly feeling and good wishes always affords a favorable opportunity for closing4 ,perhaps1 however1 a more striking conclusion can be made by taking advantage of the very moment when the present is handed over to the recipient1 accompanying this act with a hearty wish for its long retention and its happy use in the manner its nature indicates4 ,wishing a ring to be worn as a memento of friendship1 a watch to mark the passage of happy hours1 a cane not to be needed for support1 but only as a treasured ornament1 a sword to be worn with honor and only to be unsheathed at the call of duty or of patriotism1 etc4 ,the reception of a gift is more easy than the presentation1 but is at the same time more embarrassing4 ,the reception is easier1 because the essential part of the response is to say ,thank you1 which are very easy words to utter if the givers are real friends and the present is an appropriate one4 ,it is more embarrassing because it is always harder to receive a favor gratefully than to give one4 ,if the gift is a surprise1 there is no harm in saying so1 though if it is not a surprise1 it is not advisable to tell an untruth about it4 ,the recipient may say he is embarrassed1 and his embarrassment--whether real or feigned--will create sympathy for him4 ,besides1 he can ask for indulgence with more grace than the preceding speaker1 as he is supposed to be taken by surprise4 ,he may be so overcome with emotion as to break down altogether1 and yet he will be loudly applauded4 ,a still stronger reason for this disparity is that the speaker representing the givers has been selected1 probably out of a large company1 to make his speech1 and is thus expected to do it well2 but the receiver occupies his position for a reason that has no connection whatever with his speech-making powers4 ,if he succeeds in expressing his gratitude and goodwill to those who have been so generous he will have served the essential purpose of his speech2 but if1 in addition1 he can gather up the points made in the presentation speech1 assenting to its general principles1 accepting the humorous charges for which he is to be watched1 caned1 stoned 7when a diamond or other stone is given71 or put to the sword1 and gently deprecates the serious flattery offered1 he will be regarded as doing exceedingly well4 ,one phrase he will not be likely to omit1 unless he loses his head altogether--,when ,i look upon this1 ,i will always remember the feelings of this hour1 the kind words uttered1 the appreciation shown4 ,this word appreciation4 with the reiteration of thanks1 will make a very fitting conclusion4 ,,addresses ,,of ,,welcome ,in our country the number of voluntary associations that visit similar associations1 or meet at special times and places is very large4 ,often such associations are furnished with free board and lodging by the people of the place where the assemblage occurs4 ,facilities for assemblage and enjoyment are offered and other privileges tendered that are highly appreciated4 ,religious bodies1 church and philanthropic societies1 military and fire companies1 athletic and social clubs1 various orders and educational societies1 political bodies1 these form only a small proportion of the endless number of organizations convening and gathering at different centres1 gatherings which serve to keep all parts of our country in close touch4 ,it is needless to furnish model speeches for each of these1 for the same general line of remark is adapted to all4 ,the changes of illustration demanded by the character of the association to be welcomed1 and for which responses are to be made1 will be readily understood1 and a little study of the name and character of the place of meeting will make the necessary local allusions quite easy4 ,the welcome and response for a fire company1 or a baseball club1 will not differ much from that for a ,christian ,endeavor ,society4 ,a few general hints and a little investigation by the novice will put him on the right track in either case4 ,,address ,,of ,,welcome ,a clear statement about those who extend the welcome and of those who are to be welcomed is appropriate4 ,this may be expanded advantageously by giving a few of the characteristics of each1 greater latitude being allowed in complimenting those who are welcomed than those who entertain4 ,it is bad taste to spend more time in telling our guests how good and great we are than in expressing the exalted opinion we have of them for their noble work1 their great fame1 or their high purpose2 or in declaring the pleasure we feel and the honor we have in entertaining them4 ,the warmth of the welcome extended should be expressed in the fullest manner1 and as this is the central purpose of the whole address1 it will bear one repetition4 ,a good illustrative story1 brief but pointed1 may be worked in somewhere1 perhaps in connection with a modest depreciation of our own fitness or ability adequately to express the strong feelings of those we represent1 though if one can be found having a connection with the visitors themselves1 it will be still better4 ,what we wish our visitors to do while with us may also be appropriately referred to4 ,if there are places of interest for them to visit1 work for them to do1 or special entertainments provided1--here is additional matter for remark4 ,all these items may be run through in a few minutes1 and then the address should close4 ,the most bungling and formal welcome1 if short1 will be enjoyed more and be more applauded than the most graceful and eloquent one unduly prolonged4 ,should however1 in spite of this warning1 more filling in be desired of an appropriate character1 it may be found almost without limit in setting forth the claim of the cause which both the visitors and the entertainers represent--athletic sports1 religion1 benevolence1 education1 or what not4 ,,address ,,in ,,response ,this may be still more brief than the address of welcome4 ,to say that the reception is hearty1 that it gives pleasure and is gratefully received and appreciated1 is all that is essential4 ,an invitation to return the visit should not be forgotten1 if circumstances are such that it can be appropriately made4 ,then the speaker has an opportunity to review any portion of the preceding speech and express his indorsement of any of the assertions made4 ,he should not dissent from them1 unless this dissent can be made the means of a little adroit flattery by placing a higher estimate upon the entertainers and their services than their own speaker has done1 or by modestly disclaiming some of the praise that has been given4 ,the novice must avoid being carried too far by this fascinating review1 both as to the quantity and the quality of the disagreement4 ,a closing sentence may be1 ,allow me once more1 most heartily1 to thank you for this generous welcome to--your homes--your headquarters--to the hospitalities of your city1 as the case may be4 ,,wedding ,,and ,,other ,,anniversaries ,another wide field for the oratory of entertainment is to be found in the various celebrations that mark the passage of specific or notable portions of time--centennial1 semi-centennial1 and quadrennial2 likewise weddings1 annual1 tin1 paper1 crystal1 silver1 and golden4 ,the speeches for these differ widely in character4 ,they may take the form of congratulatory addresses1 of toasts and responses1 or more formal addresses4 ,all dedications come in the same category4 ,generally the shorter intervals call for light and humorous speeches1 while the longer ones demand something more grave and thoughtful4 ,the following speech and response for a wooden 7fifth7 wedding anniversary is taken from a volume of ready made speeches4 ,it is a fine example of that wit and play upon words which is never more suitable or more highly appreciated than on such an occasion4 ,,speech ,,for ,a ,,wooden ,,wedding ,if it is a good maxim not to halloo till you are out of the woods1 our kind host and hostess must be very quiet this evening1 for it seems to me that they are in the thick of it4 ,if their friends had been about to burn them alive instead of to wish them joy on their fifth wedding-day1 they could scarcely have brought a greater quantity of combustible material to the sacrifice4 ,what shall we say to them on this ligneous occasion8 ,of course1 we must congratulate them on their willingness to renew their matrimonial vows after five years of double-blessedness4 ,in this age of divorce it is something worthy of note1 that a pair who have been one and inseparable for even so short a period as the twentieth part of a century1 should stand up proudly before the world and propose to strengthen the original compact with a new one4 ,they look as happy and contented as if they had never heard of ,chicago1 or seen those tempting little advertisements in the newspapers that propose to separate man and wife with immediate dispatch for a reasonable consideration4 ,instead of going to court to cut the nuptial bond in twain1 it appears that they have been courting for five years with the view of being remarried this evening4 ,vaccination1 it is said1 wears out in seven years1 but matrimony1 we see1 in this instance1 at least1 takes a stronger hold of the parties inoculated as time rolls on2 and although in this case they are willing to go through the operation again1 it is not for the sake of making assurance doubly sure1 but in order to enjoy marriage as a luxury4 ,with this happy specimen of a wooden wedding before them our young unmarried friends will see that they can go into the joinery business with but little risk of getting into the wrong box4 ,in fact1 it is because connubial bliss beats every other species of felicity all hollow that we have met this evening to requite it with hollow-ware4 ,in the name of all their friends ,i affectionately congratulate the doubly-married pair on their past happiness and future prospects1 and hope they may live to celebrate their fiftieth wedding day and receive a golden reward4 ,,bridegroom ,,in ,,reply ,for self and partner--as men associated in business sometimes conclude their letters--,i offer to you and all our friends who have obliged us with their presence1 the thanks of the firm which renews its articles of partnership this evening4 ,we welcome you heartily to our home1 well knowing that your kind wishes are not like--your useful and elegant tokens of remembrance--hollow-ware4 ,when ,birnam ,wood came to ,dunsinane1 ,macbeth was conquered1 and it seems to me that you have come almost as well provided with timber as ,macduff and ,malcolm were4 ,your articles1 however1 although of wood1 are not of the ,burn 'em kind1 and ,i am not such a ,dunce inane as to decline accepting them4 ,indeed1 my wife1 who1 notwithstanding her matrimonial vows1 has a single eye--to housekeeping--would not permit me to refuse them were ,i so inclined4 ,she knows their value better than ,i do1 and with the assistance of her kitchen cabinet will1 ,i have no doubt1 employ them usefully4 ,the speech closes with thanks and good wishes in return4 ,,toasts ,a toast may be given either with or without sentiment attached1 and in either case a response equally fitting2 but in the former the subject is narrowed and defined by the nature of the sentiment4 ,yet the speaker need not hold himself closely to the sentiment1 which is often made rather a point of departure even by the ablest speakers4 ,indeed1 the latitude accorded to after-dinner speeches is very great1 and a sentiment which gives unity and direction to the speech made in response to it is1 on that account1 of great value4 ,to illustrate these points we will take the toast ,our ,flag4 ,a speech in response would be practically unlimited in scope of treatment4 ,anything patriotic1 historical or sentimental1 which brings in some reference to the banner1 would be appropriate4 ,but let this sentiment be added3 ,may the justness and benevolence which it represents ever charm the heart1 as its beauty charms the eye1 and the outline of a speech is already indicated4 ,has our nation always been just and kind8 ,where and how have these qualities been most strikingly manifested8 ,why have we seemed sometimes to come short of them1 and how should such injustice or harsh dealing be remedied1 with as much rhetorical admixture of the waving folds and the glittering stars as the speaker sees fit to employ4 ,from these considerations may be deduced the rule that when the proposer of a toast wishes to leave the respondent the freedom of the whole subject he will give the toast alone1 or accompanied by a motto of the most non-committal character4 ,but if he wishes to draw him out in a particular direction he will put the real theme in the sentiment that follows the toast4 ,,sentiments ,,suggested ,,by ,a ,,toast ,years ago a speaker provoked a controversy 7maliciously and with no good excuse7 which scarcely came short of blows1 by proposing as a toast the name of a general of high rank1 but who was unfortunate in arms4 ,he was a candidate for office4 ,added to the toast was the sentiment1 ,may his political equal his military victories4 ,this was in bad taste1 indeed1 but it shows the use that can be made of the sentiment1 when added to a toast1 in fixing attention in a certain direction4 ,the number of sentiments suggested by the common and standard toasts is unlimited4 ,take the toast ,home1 as an example4 ,home3 ,the golden setting in which the brightest jewel is ,mother4 ,home3 ,a world of strife shut out1 and a world of love shut in4 ,home3 ,the blossoms of which heaven is the fruit4 ,home3 ,the only spot on earth where the fault and failings of fallen humanity are hidden under a mantle of charity4 ,home3 ,an abode wherein the inmate1 the superior being called man1 can pay back at night1 with fifty per cent4 interest1 every annoyance that he has met with in business during the day4 ,home3 ,the place where the great are sometimes small1 and the small often great4 ,home3 ,the father's kingdom2 the child's paradise2 the mother's world4 ,home3 ,the jewel casket containing the most precious of all jewels--domestic happiness4 ,home3 ,the place where you are treated best and grumble most4 ,home3 ,it is the central telegraph office of human love1 into which run innumerable wires of affection1 many of which1 though extending thousands of miles1 are never disconnected from the one great terminus4 ,home3 ,the centre of our affections1 around which our hearts' best wishes twine4 ,home3 ,a little sheltered hollow scooped out of the windy hill of the world4 ,home3 ,a place where our stomachs get three good meals daily and our hearts a thousand4 ,,miscellaneous ,,toasts ,these might be multiplied indefinitely1 but a sufficient number are given to serve as hints to the person who is able to make his own toasts1 yet seeks a little aid to lift him out of the common rut4 ,marriage3 ,the happy estate which resembles a pair of shears2 so joined that they cannot be separated2 often moving in opposite directions1 yet always punishing any one who comes between them4 ,marriage3 ,the gate through which the happy lover leaves his enchanted ground and returns from paradise to earth4 ,woman3 ,the fairest work of the great ,author2 the edition is large1 and no man should be without a copy4 ,woman3 ,she needs no eulogy2 she speaks for herself4 ,woman3 ,the bitter half of man4 7,a sour bachelor's toast47 ,wedlock3 ,may the single all be married and all the married be happy4 ,love to one1 friendship to many1 and good-will to all4 ,the ,lady we love and the ,friend we trust4 ,may we have the unspeakable good ,fortune to win a true heart1 and the ,merit to keep it4 ,friendship3 ,may its bark never founder on the rocks of deception4 ,friendship3 ,may its lamp ever be supplied by the oil of truth and fidelity4 ,unselfish ,friendship3 ,may we ever be able to serve a friend1 and noble enough to conceal it4 ,firm ,friendship3 ,may differences of opinion only cement it4 ,may we have more and more ,friends and ,need them less and less4 ,may our ,friend in sorrow never be a ,sorrowing friend4 ,active ,friendship3 ,may the hinges of friendship never grow rusty4 ,to our ,friends3 ,whether absent on land or sea4 ,our ,friends3 ,may the present have no burdens for them and futurity no terrors4 ,our ,friends3 ,may we always have them and always know their value4 ,friends3 ,may we be richer in their love than in wealth1 and yet money be plenty4 ,a ,friend3 ,may we never want one to cheer us1 or a home to welcome him4 ,good ,judgment3 ,may opinions never float in the sea of ignorance4 ,careful ,kindness3 ,may we never crack a joke or break a reputation4 ,enduring ,prudence3 ,may the pleasures of youth never bring us pain in old age4 ,deliverance in ,trouble3 ,may the sunshine of hope dispel the clouds of calamity4 ,successful ,suit3 ,may we court and win all the ,daughters of ,fortune except the eldest--,miss ,fortune4 ,here's a ,health to ,detail1 ,retail1 and ,curtail--indeed1 all the tails but tell-tales4 ,the ,coming ,millennium3 ,when great men are honest and honest men are great4 ,our ,merchant3 ,may he have good trade1 well paid4 ,may the ,devil cut the toes of all our foes1 ,that we may know them by their limping4 ,may we ,live to learn well and ,learn to live well4 ,a ,placid ,life3 ,may we never murmur without cause1 and never have cause to murmur4 ,may we never lose our ,bait when we ,fish for compliments4 ,a ,better ,distribution of ,money3 ,may ,avarice lose his purse and ,benevolence find it4 ,may ,care be a stranger and ,serenity a familiar friend to every honest heart4 ,may ,fortune recover her eyesight and be able to distribute her gifts more wisely and equally4 ,may ,bad ,example never attract youthful minds4 ,may ,poverty never come to us without rich compensations and hope of a speedy departure4 ,our ,flag3 ,the beautiful banner that represents the precious mettle of ,america4 ,american ,eagle1 ,the3 ,the liberty bird that permits no liberties4 ,american ,eagle1 ,the3 ,may she build her nest in every rock peak of this continent4 ,american ,valor3 ,may no war require it1 but may it be always ready for every foe4 ,american ,people1 ,the3 ,may they live in peace and grow strong in the practice of every virtue4 ,our ,native ,land3 ,may it ever be worthy of our heartiest love1 and continue to draw it forth without stint4 7,a spread-eagle toast47 ,the ,boundaries of ,our ,country3 ,east1 by the ,rising ,sun2 north1 by the ,north ,pole2 west1 by all ,creation2 and south1 by the ,day of ,judgment4 ,our ,lakes and ,rivers3 ,navigable waters that unite all the ,states and render the very thought of their separation absurd4 ,our ,sons and ,daughters3 ,may they be honest as brave and modest as fair4 ,america and the ,world3 ,may our nation ever enjoy the blessings of the widest liberty1 and be ever ready to promote the liberties of mankind4 ,discontented ,citizens3 ,may they speedily leave their country for their country's good4 ,america3 ,our hearts1 our hopes are all with thee1 ,our hearts1 our hopes1 our prayers1 our tears1 ,our faith1 triumphant o'er our fears1 ,are all with thee1 are all with thee4 ,the ,patriot3 ,breathes there a man with soul so dead1 ,who never to himself hath said1 ,this is my own1 my native land2 ,whose heart hath ne'er within him burned1 ,as home his footsteps he hath turned ,from wandering on a foreign strand8 ,our ,country3 ,whether bounded by ,canada or ,mexico1 or however otherwise bounded and described2 be the measurement more or less1 still ,our ,country2 to be cherished in our hearts and defended by our lives4 ,our ,country3 ,in our intercourse with foreign nations may she always be in the right2 and if not1 may we ever be true patriots enough to get her into the right at any cost4 ,our ,country3 ,may we render due reverence and love to the common mother of us all4 ,the ,ship of ,state3 ,nail to the mast her holy flag2 ,set every threadbare sail2 ,and give her to the ,god of ,storms1 ,the lightning and the gale4 ,columbia3 ,my country1 with all thy faults1 ,i love thee still4 ,webster's ,motto3 ,liberty and ,union1 now and forever1 one and inseparable4 ,true ,patriotism3 ,may every ,american be a good citizen in peace1 a valiant soldier in war4 ,our ,country3 ,may our love of country be without bounds and without a shadow of fear4 ,our ,statesmen3 ,may they care less for party and for personal ambition than for the nation's welfare4 ,failure to ,treason3 ,may he who would destroy his country for a mess of pottage never get the pottage6 ,the ,penalty of ,treason3 ,may he who would uproot the tree of ,liberty be the first one crushed by its fall4 ,the ,nation3 ,may it know no ,north1 no ,south1 no ,east1 no ,west1 but only one broad1 beautiful1 glorious land4 ,america3 ,dear ,country1 our thoughts are more constant to thee1 ,than the steel to the star and the stream to the sea4 ,our ,revolutionary ,fathers3 ,may their sons never disgrace their parentage4 ,our ,town3 ,the best in the land2 let him that don't like it leave it4 ,the ,tree of ,liberty3 ,may every ,american citizen help cultivate it and eat freely of its fruit4 ,the ,emigrant3 ,may the man that doesn't love his native country speedily hie him to one that he can love4 ,the ,american ,eagle3 ,it is not healthful to try to deposit salt on his venerable tail4 ,california3 ,the land of golden rocks and golden fruits4 ,ohio3 ,the second ,mother of ,presidents4 ,vermont3 ,a ,state of rocks1 but producing men1 women1 maple sugar1 and horses4 ,the first are strong1 the last are fleet1 ,the second and third are exceedingly sweet1 ,and all are uncommonly hard to beat4 ,texas3 ,the biggest of ,states1 and one of the very best4 ,new ,york3 ,unrivalled if numbers in city and ,state be the test4 ,our ,navy3 ,may it always be as anxious to preserve peace as to uphold the honor of the flag in war4 ,our ,army3 ,may it ever be very small in peace1 but grow to mighty dimensions and mightier achievement in war4 ,our ,country3 ,may the form of liberty never be used to subvert the principles of true freedom4 ,our ,voters3 ,may they always have a standard to try their rulers by1 and be quick to punish or reward justly4 ,fortune3 ,a divinity to fools1 a helper to wise men4 ,the ,present3 ,anticipation may be very agreeable but participation is more practical4 ,the ,present ,opportunity3 ,we may lay in a stock of pleasures for use in memory1 but they must be kept carefully to prevent mouldering4 ,philosophy3 ,it may conquer past or present pain but toothache1 while it lasts1 laughs at philosophy4 ,our ,noble ,selves3 ,why not toast ourselves and praise ourselves since we have the best means of knowing all the good in ourselves8 ,charity3 ,a link from the chain of gold that angels forge4 ,our ,harvests3 ,may the sunshine of plenty dispel the clouds of care4 ,virtue3 ,may we have the wit to discover what is true and the fortitude to practice what is good4 ,our ,firesides3 ,our heads may not be sharpened at colleges1 but our hearts are graduates of the hearths4 ,the ,true ,medium3 ,give us good form1 but not formality4 ,the ,excesses of ,youth3 ,they are heavy drafts upon old age1 payable with compound interest about thirty years from date4 ,the ,best of ,good ,feeling3 ,may we never feel want nor want feeling4 ,our ,incomes3 ,may we have a head to earn and hearts to spend4 ,forbearance3 ,may we have keen wit1 but never make a sword of our tongues to wound the reputation of others4 ,wit3 ,a cheap and nasty commodity when uttered at the expense of modesty and courtesy4 ,cheerfulness and ,fortitude3 ,may we never give way to melancholy1 but always be merry at the right places4 ,generosity3 ,may we all be as charitable and indulgent as the ,khan of ,tartary1 who1 when he has dined on milk and horseflesh1 makes proclamation that all the kings and emperors of earth have now his gracious permission to dine4 ,economy3 ,the daughter of ,prudence1 the sister of ,temperance1 and the parent of ,independence4 ,fidelity and ,forgiveness3 ,may our injuries be written in sand and our gratitude for benefits in rock4 ,a ,good ,memory3 ,may it always be used as a storehouse and never as a lumber-room4 ,a ,health to ,our ,dearest3 ,may their purses always be heavy and their hearts always be light4 ,the ,noblest ,qualities3 ,charity without ostentation and religion without bigotry4 ,discernment of ,character3 ,may ,flattery never be permitted to sit in the parlor while ,plain and ,kindly ,dealing is kicked out into the woodshed4 ,false ,friends3 ,may we never have friends who1 like shadows1 keep close to us in the sunshine only to desert us in a cloudy day or in the night4 ,a ,competence3 ,may we never want bread to make a toast or a good cook to prepare it4 ,the ,man we ,love3 ,he who thinks most good and speaks least ill of his neighbors4 ,human ,nature as the ,best ,study3 ,he who is learned in books alone may know how some things ought to be1 but he who reads men learns how things are4 ,metaphysics the ,noblest of the ,sciences3 ,when a mon wha' kens naething aboot ony subject1 takes a subject that nae mon kens onything aboot and explains it to anither mon still more ignorant--that's ,metaphysics4 ,the ,deeds of ,men3 ,the best interpreters of their motives4 ,love and ,affection3 ,the necessary basis for a happy life4 ,charity3 ,a mantle of heavenly weaving used to cover the faults of our neighbors4 ,charitable ,allowances3 ,may our eyes be no keener when we look upon the faults of others than when we survey our own4 ,cheerful ,courage3 ,may this be our maxim whene'er we are twirled1 ,a fig for the cares of this whirl-a-gig world4 ,a ,golden ,maxim3 ,to err is human1 to forgive divine4 ,prudence in ,speech3 ,the imprudent man reflects upon what he has said1 the wise man upon what he is going to say4 ,thought and ,speech3 ,it is much safer to always think what we say than always to say what we think4 ,everybody3 ,may no one now feel that he has been omitted4 ,fame3 ,the great undertaker who pays little attention to the living but makes no end of parade over the dead4 ,the ,chatterbox3 ,may he give us a few brilliant flashes of silence4 ,discretion in ,speech3 ,may we always remember the manner1 the place1 and the time4 ,a ,happy ,future3 ,may the best day we have seen be worse than the worst that is to come4 ,,humorous ,,toasts4 ,to a ,fat ,friend3 ,may your shadow never grow less4 ,may every ,hair of your head be as a shining ,candle to light you to glory4 ,long ,life to our ,friends3 ,may the chicken never be hatched that will scratch on their graves4 ,confusion to the ,early ,bird3 ,may it and the worm both be picked up4 ,the ,nimble ,penny3 ,may it soon grow into a dime and then swell into a dollar4 ,to a ,sovereign3 not the kind that sits on a throne1 but the one that lies in our pocket4 ,our ,land3 ,may we live happy in it and never be sent out of it for our country's good4 ,three ,great ,commanders3 ,may we always be under the orders of ,general ,peace1 ,general ,plenty1 and ,general ,prosperity4 ,the ,three ,best ,doctors3 ,may ,doctor ,quiet1 ,doctor ,diet1 and ,doctor ,good ,conscience ever keep us well4 ,the ,health of that wise and good ,man who kept a ,dog and yet did his own barking6 ,here's to the health of ----3 ,the old bird that was not caught with chaff4 ,the ,health of those we ,love the beet2 ,our noble selves4 ,,miscellaneous ,,addresses ,every year new occasions arise that point to a new order of celebrations4 ,until recently there were no centennial celebrations4 ,once inaugurated these suggested semi-centennial and quarter-century ones1 and as the country advanced in years there came the bi-centennial and ter-centennial4 ,and the attention of the civilized globe was called to our fourth-centennial by the unrivalled and wonderful display at the ,world's ,exhibition in ,chicago4 ,in this chapter are given outlines of a miscellaneous character1 some original and some selected4 ,,outline ,,of ,,chauncey ,m4 ,,depew',s ,,address ,,at ,,the ,,centennial ,,of ,,capture ,,of ,,andr ,this is a good model for the semi-centennial or centennial of any noted event4 ,being in the open air the speaker referred to the grand scenery1 almost the same as one hundred years before4 ,effect on the nation's heart of such ,revolutionary commemorations4 ,small events influence the currents of history4 ,thermopyl and its #cjj2 the three plain farmers who preserved ,american liberty4 ,the orator then sketched compactly but vividly the critical situation of #aghj1 and tells at length the story of ,arnold's treason1 its frustration by the capture of ,andr and his pathetic fate4 ,this one romance of the ,revolution is a thrilling tale1 and all adornment is given to it4 ,the account of the struggle to save ,andr's life gives the interest of controversy1 as does the defense of ,washington's course4 ,the anecdote and the illustrative parallel are both supplied by the case of ,captain ,nathan ,hale1 executed by the ,english as an ,american spy4 ,the address closes with a fitting tribute to ,andr's three captors1 whose modest monument marked the spot1 and a very effective quotation of ,william of ,orange's heroic oath at his coronation1 ,i will maintain4 ,,outline ,,of ,,speech ,,by ,,governor ,,foraker ,,at ,,the ,,dedication ,,of ,,ohio',s ,,monument ,,to ,,the ,,andrews ,,raiders1 ,,at ,,chattanooga ,why this monument and this dedication4 ,the story of the raid1 the suffering of the raiders1 and heroism of those who died4 ,the controversial part covered two points--the military value of the raid1 and the manner in which the raiders had been treated by the enemy while prisoners4 ,the illustrative setting was the historic background of ,chattanooga and the contrasts of war and peace4 ,,outline ,,of ,,address ,,by ,,chauncey ,m4 ,,depew ,,at ,,dinner ,,on ,,the #gj,,th ,,birthday ,,of ,,john ,,jay ,not on the programme--pleasantry with ,mr4 ,choate 7,president7 about his railroad fees4 ,mr4 ,choate wants it made the rule for all ex-presidents of the club to have a dinner on their #gjth birthday4 ,this will help them to live at least that long1 as ,gladstone and ,bismarck1 when they had an object1 have lived on in spite of the doctors6 ,depew1 a native of the same county as three generations of ,jays4 ,services of the ,revolutionary ,jay4 ,the ,anecdote4--,general ,sherman yesterday told a beautiful young girl--,generals always interested in beautiful young girls--that he would be willing to throw away all he was doing or had done to start at her time of life again4 ,but the nation could not permit that1 nor could it in the case of ,john ,jay--closing words of tribute and esteem to the guest of the evening4 ,,outline ,,of ,,address ,,by ,,chauncey ,m4 ,,depew ,,at ,,the ,,reception ,,to ,,henry ,m4 ,,stanley ,,by ,,the ,,lotus ,,club ,the speaker jests about his own locks whitened by the cares of railroading1 and the raven hair of the reporters--where do they get their dye8 ,stanley's lecture fee1 #bej4--,lotus ,club gets one for only the price of a dinner6 ,stanley a great artist in his descriptions as well as a great traveler4 ,americans a nation of travelers4--,this makes railroads prosperous6 ,what some reporters have done4 ,the motive makes heroism4--,livingstone the missionary--his rescue by ,stanley4 ,the civilized ,africa of the future with ,stanley for its ,columbus4 ,,speeches ,,at ,a ,,dinner ,,given ,,to ,,the ,,religious ,,press ,toast4--,the ,religious ,press and ,literature4 ,first1 what are sound views of literature2 second1 what is a religious paper8 ,the speaker used two illustrations bound in one4 ,a great book is the ,nilometer which measures intellectual life as the original ,nilometer measured the life and fertility of the land of ,egypt4 ,a description of the rise of the ,nile and of the ,divine ,comedy of ,dante1 as such a measurer of the life of the ,middle ,ages1 made up the speech4 ,toast4--,religious ,press and ,questions of the ,day4 ,eternity begins here4 ,the paper must show on which side of any question the right lies4 ,it should go even further than this4 ,it should cover a wider range of topics and aim to secure the attention of the general public to the questions it discusses and so entitle it to circulate more widely4 ,toast4--,should ,religious ,papers ,make ,money8 ,if ,i may make the paying papers1 anybody may make the others4 ,money losing--soon comes1 hic jacet4 ,money making proves usefulness and renders the issue of a paper possible4 ,letter from the oldest editor of ,new ,york in which he says the editor is under life sentence to hard labor4 ,toast4--,the ,religious ,paper and ,scholarship4 ,he laments that he has no letter from an editor to read 7like the last speaker71 and tells a story of a ,methodist1 on request1 praying for rain2 and when a terrible storm came1 the man who asked1 was heard to murmur3 ,how these ,methodists do exaggerate4 ,this was to show the excellence of the dinner4 ,two other stories were used by the speaker1 about the length and discursiveness of his talk4 ,the people need and will read deep1 accurate1 and scholarly productions4 ,there ought to be a general paper for such4 ,something has been done in that direction by two religious papers4 ,the speaker treated his topic by giving a semi-humorous review of the preceding speeches4 ,he showed how denominational traits affected each item in the work of the paper4 ,he did not make just the kind of a paper he liked best1 for some people were of the same taste as ,artemus ,ward1 who always ordered hash at a restaurant1 because he then knew what he was getting6 ,the speaker also referred ironically to the mistaken idea that church papers could not pay1 and gave striking instances to the contrary4 ,he concluded that denominational papers may be as successful in their line as those purely undenominational and independent4 ,,response ,,to ,,the ,,toast1 ,,the ,,navy3 ,,our ,,country',s ,,best ,,wall ,,of ,,defense #a4 ,the disasters which different ports of our country have experienced from invading forces during three great wars4 ,no foe now on this continent which we need fear--our enemies1 if any1 will come by sea4 #b4 ,the defense by fortified harbors cannot be relied on1 for when one place is defended another may be attacked1 and the coast-line is so great that an unguarded spot may be found4 ,but our glorious navy will seek the foe at any and every point4 #c4 ,past glory of the ,navy4 ,paul ,jones in the ,revolutionary ,war singeing ,john ,bull's beard at his own fireside4 #ahab4 ,the ships of iron that kept the ,confederate ,states engirdled and forbade outside meddling with domestic troubles4 #d4 ,the ,navy1 by showing the world that we are impregnable1 should be the best promoter of a solid peace4 ,,response ,,to ,,the ,,toast1 ,,general ,,jackson3 ,a ,,diamond ,,in ,,the ,,rough1 ,,but ,a ,,diamond #a4 ,the hero of ,new ,orleans1 though rough1 was a strong and great man4 ,stories about him always popular4 ,his indorsing ,state papers ,o4,k4 when he approved them1 and saying that these letters meant oll korrect4 ,the victor and the spoils4 #b4 ,his connection with great questions1 such as the currency and nullification4 ,popularity with his own party4 #c4 ,proved to be a great commander by the manner in which he used his very slender resources at the battle of ,new ,orleans--the backwoods riflemen and the breastworks of cotton4 ,,response ,,to ,,the ,,toast1 ,,the ,,working ,,man3 ,,may ,,he ,,love ,,his ,,work ,,and ,,have ,,plenty ,,of ,,it1 ,,with ,,good ,,wages ,,promptly ,,paid #a4 ,for a healthy man a reasonable amount of work is no misfortune1 but a blessing4 ,idleness is a curse1 and leads to all kinds of evil4 7,see story in ,anecdote ,no4 #ba at end of this volume--of the tramp who earned seventy-five cents and quit work because he feared that he could not bear the curse of riches6 ,not many of us have this kind of fear47 #b4 ,toil with pen and brain as real1 and may be as exhausting as with the hand and foot4 #c4 ,but to defraud a workman of one cent of his earnings is a peculiarly atrocious crime4 ,how this may be done indirectly4 ,all persons who believe in this toast should deal justly and fairly1 and try to hold others to the same rule4 #d4 ,the true workman wants work and fair play2 not patronage and flattery1 but sympathy and friendship4 ,a ,,nominating ,,speech ,the great conventions that nominate candidates for the ,presidency of the ,united ,states furnish examples on the largest scale of the nominating speech4 ,but officers of societies of almost any character may be nominated in addresses that are very similar4 ,the following outline of a speech of general character may be easily modified to suit any case in which such help is desired4 ,mr4 ,chairman3 ,it gives me great pleasure to place before you1 the name of a candidate who is so well qualified and so fully deserving of this honor1 and of every other1 that may be conferred upon him1 as ----4 ,in giving him your votes1 you can make no mistake4 ,here state previous offices held1 or trusts filled1 or other evidences of fitness for the post in view4 ,in addition1 ,i am happy to state that he represents here name locality1 section1 class1 or opinion1 being careful to adduce only those which will be pleasing to the persons whose votes are sought4 ,on his behalf1 ,i can promise faithful service1 and the prompt discharge of every duty4 ,others may have as much zeal for the cause3 some may have as long a training for the duties of this office2 a few may possibly have as legitimate a claim upon any honors or rewards in your gift1 but where else can you find such a combination of claims8 ,the illustrative anecdote will naturally be of the candidate himself1 of his popularity1 availability1 or other good quality1 or of some person or element strongly supporting him4 ,,speech ,,accepting ,a ,,nomination #a4 ,an honor of which any man must be deeply sensible as well as proud4 ,the importance or high character of the body making the nomination4 #b4 ,the degree of surprise felt that the candidate should be preferred to so many worthy competitors4 ,w by the honor is especially prized1 and the reasons1 if any2 why the candidate would have preferred a different selection4 #c4 ,the motives which make him willing to bear the burdens entailed by this nomination4 #d4 ,the hope of being able to support his competitors for other offices1 or other terms of this office4 #e4 ,with all his sense of unworthiness1 the candidate dares not set up his judgment against that of the honorable body which has named him1 for the office of ----1 and he therefore bows to their decision and gratefully accepts the unexpected8 honor conferred upon him4 ,should the people--not for his sake1 but for the sake of the cause represented--have the intelligence and good judgment of which there is not a shadow of doubt8 to indorse the nomination1 he will exert all the power he possesses1 to faithfully fill the position their choice has bestowed upon him4 ,,speech ,,in ,a ,,political ,,canvass ,no form of speech is so easy as a political address in a hot campaign4 ,the people know enough of the general argument in advance1 to appreciate a strong statement of it1 or the addition of new items4 ,they already have much of that interest in the theme that other classes of speakers must first seek to arouse4 ,the tyro makes his feeble beginnings in the sparsely settled portions of the country1 but the polished orator is welcomed by large audiences at the centres of population1 and wins money1 fame1 and possibly a high office4 ,americans have many opportunities of hearing good speeches of this character1 and not only become competent judges1 but learn to emulate such examples4 #a4 ,a bright story1 a personal incident1 a local hit1 or1 best of all1 a quick1 shrewd caricature of some feature of the opposing party1 will gain attention and half win the battle4 ,a speaker was once called upon to make an address after a political opponent had taken his seat4 ,this man at one time strongly indorsed a measure to which his own party was bitterly opposed4 ,the measure was defeated notwithstanding his opposition1 and he was obliged to sanction his party's action4 ,the audience being familiar with this1 the speaker referred to it by saying3 ,oh6 he approves1 does he6 ,imagine a kicked1 cuffed1 pounded1 and dragged across a road1 bracing himself at every step1 but forced over at last and tied to a post2 then imagine that mule straightening himself up and saying1 ',thank ,heaven1 we crossed that road1 didn't we8' ,it was difficult to move the mule1 he was obstinate1 but it made no difference4 ,my opponent was obstinate too1 but what did it avail6 #b4 ,the criticism of our opponents' platform or principles4 ,their fallacies1 mistakes1 and misrepresentations4 #c4 ,their history4 ,how they have carried out all their bad and dangerous doctrines1 but have slurred over and allowed to drop out of sight their promises of good4 #d4 ,the contrast4 ,plain statement and there is nothing more effective in a speech than a plain1 dear1 and condensed statement of the opposing issues4 #e4 ,the man4 ,the personal element in a canvas nearly always overshadows political doctrine1 except when a new party or new measure is rising into prominence4 ,our men brilliant1 able1 safe4 ,our opponents the opposite4 ,public character only should be criticized4 ,gossip1 scandal1 slander are abominable1 and seldom well received by any audience4 ,poison1 the assassin's dagger1 and the spreading of infamous stories do not belong to honorable warfare4 ,,speech ,,after ,a ,,political ,,victory4 ,,selected #a4 ,we are masters of the field4 ,completeness of victory told in military language4 #b4 ,sympathy for the defeated4 ,we will treat their leaders with ,good ,samaritan generosity1 but we invite the rank and file to enlist with us1 unless they prefer to go home and pray for better luck next time4 #c4 ,only by joining us can they get a nibble at the spoils4 ,probably they will1 for many of them are men of seven principles--five loaves and two fishes4 ,the cohesive power of public plunder4 #d4 ,we must not be careless after victory1 but reorganize1 be vigilant1 keep our powder dry4 ,the outs are hungry1 and an enemy will fight terribly for rations4 ,brag is a good dog1 but ,holdfast is a better4 #e4 ,now let us all rejoice over the defeat of a party many of whose members we respect personally1 but which1 as a whole1 we regard as an immense nuisance4 ,,speech ,,after ,a ,,political ,,defeat4 ,,selected ,my ,political ,brethren3 ,you seem to be in the dumps6 ,don't like the figures2 wish they were a cunningly devised fable4 ,how did it happen8 ,big vote and intolerable cheating cooked our goose4 ,but we are india-rubber and steel springs1 and no amount of hard usage can take the fight out of us4 ,let our opponents laugh6 ,we are not savage--would not hurt a hair of their heads personally1 but politically will skin them alive next time4 ,but we prefer to convert them1 and hope they will hear our speakers as often as possible before the next election4 ,a ,,chairman',s ,,or ,,president',s ,,speech ,at a public meeting some one interested in the object for which it has convened calls the assembly to order4 ,after securing attention he proposes the name of some person as chairman or president4 ,when the nomination is seconded he takes the vote and announces the election4 ,it will then be in order for the person chosen to take a position facing the assembly and to make a brief speech4 ,ladies and ,gentlemen3 ,i have no wish to disparage your judgment1 although ,i think it might have been exercised to better advantage by electing some of the able persons ,i see before me4 ,but ,i thank you for this honor1 which ,i appreciate the more highly and accept the more readily because of say deep interest in the question of ----1 which is now before us4 ,first1 however1 please nominate a secretary4 ,when1 however1 the president or chairman elected is himself a prime mover in the business for which the meeting is called1 it will be perfectly proper for him to extend his speech1 upon accepting the chair1 by stating clearly but briefly the object of the meeting2 or1 if he prefers1 he may ask some one in whose powers of plausible and persuasive statement he has confidence to do this in his place4 ,formal argument is not advisable in the opening speech2 but the best argument consists in giving a compact statement and ample information4 ,in this way the cause may be half won by the chairman's speech or the speech of his proxy4 ,a ,,general ,,outline ,,foe ,,all ,,occasions ,the ,introduction4 ,the speaker's modesty or inability1 the lateness of the hour1 the merit of preceding speeches1 the literary treats that are to follow1 the character of the dinner1 personal allusion to the president or to the audience--but not all of these in one address4 ,the ,discussion4 ,here refer to the toast or theme--be sure to put in a humorous anecdote4 ,make it as appropriate as possible1 but don't fail to bring it in4 ,get up a short controversy3 set up a man of straw if you can find nobody else1 and then make an onslaught upon him2 but be sure he has no friends in the audience6 ,conclusion4 ,a graceful compliment to some one1 a reference to an expected speaker1 or a word indicating the part of your subject of which you will not treat1 or give a very quick summary of what you have already said4 ,,illustrative ,,and ,,humorous ,,anecdotes ,with a number of the following anecdotes a few suggestions are given as to the manner in which they may be used4 ,the habit of thinking how a good story may be brought into an address should be formed1 after which these hints will be superfluous4 ,at the outset they may help to form the habit4 #a4 ,,independence ,,of ,a ,,monopoly ,a good illustration of complete independence4 ,it can be used as a humorous description of a monopoly or as a compliment to a man who has complete control of his own affairs4 ,an inquisitive passenger on a railroad recently had the following dialogue3 ,do you use the block system on this road8 inquired the passenger4 ,no1 sir1 replied the conductor1 we have no use for it4 ,do you use the electric or pneumatic signals8 ,no1 sir4 ,have you a double track8 ,no4 ,well1 of course1 you have a train dispatcher1 and run all trains by telegraph8 ,no4 ,i see you have no brakeman4 ,how do you flag the rear of your train if you are stopped from any cause between stations8' ,we don't flag4 ,indeed6 ,what a way to run a railroad6 ,a man takes his life in his hand when he rides on it4 ,this is criminally reckless6 ,see here1 mister6 ,if you don't like this railroad you can get off and walk4 ,i am president of this road and its sole owner4 ,i am also board of directors1 treasurer1 secretary1 general manager1 superintendent1 paymaster1 trackmaster1 general passenger agent1 general freight agent1 master mechanic1 ticket agent1 conductor1 brakeman1 and boss4 ,this is the ,great ,western ,railroad of ,kentucky1 six miles long1 with termini at ,harrodsburg and ,harrodsburg ,junction4 ,this is the only train on the road of any kind1 and ahead of us is the only engine4 ,we never have collisions4 ,the engineer does his own firing1 and runs the repair shop and round-house all by himself4 ,he and ,i run this railway4 ,it keeps us pretty busy1 but we've always got time to stop and eject a sassy passenger4 ,so you want to behave yourself and go through with us1 or you will have your baggage set off here by the haystack6 #b4 ,,explanation ,to ridicule extravagant explanations that do not explain--or unreasonable pretensions to antiquity4 ,an old ,scotch lady1 who had no relish for modern church music1 was expressing her dislike to the singing of an anthem in her own church one day1 when a neighbor said3 ,why1 that is a very old anthem6 ,david sang that anthem to ,saul4 ,to this the old lady replied3 ,weel1 weel6 ,i noo for the first time understan' why ,saul threw his javelin at ,david when the lad sang for him4 #c4 ,,riding ,a ,,hobby ,to illustrate hobby-riding--very appropriate where many toasts and speeches run in one line4 ,a boy in ,buffalo1 ,n4 ,y41 who was asked to write out what he considered an ideal holiday dinner mnu1 evolved the following3 ,furst ,corse4 ,mince pie4 ,second ,corse4 ,pumpkin pie and turkey4 ,third ,corse4 ,lemon pie1 turkey1 and cranberries ,fourth ,corse4 ,custard pie1 apple pie1 chocolate cake and plum pudding4 ,dessert4 ,pie4 #d4 ,,hobson',s ,,choice ,suitable caricature for any one who tries to make merit of doing what he cannot help4 ,if my employer does not retract what he said to me this morning ,i shall leave his store4 ,why1 what did he say8 ,he told me to look for another place4 #e4 ,,when ,,to ,,be ,,silent ,a silent guest might tell this to show that he had found a way to be of greatest service at a banquet4 ,mrs4 ,penfield--,my husband has found a way by which he says ,i am of the greatest help to him in his literary work4 ,mrs4 ,hillaire--,how nice that must be for you1 my dear6 ,but how are you able to do it8 ,mrs4 ,penfield--,as soon as ,i see him at his desk ,i go into another room and keep perfectly quiet until he has finished4 #f4 ,,paying ,,for ,,your ,,whistle ,would be a good answer to one who gave a compliment1 and tried in that way to shove off a speech or other duty upon the one complimented4 ,mc,swatters--,it's very funny4 ,mrs4 ,mc,swatters--,what is8 ,mc,swatters--,why1 when the doctor treats me ,i always have to pay for it4 #g4 ,,goose-,,chase ,would come in well after several had declined to speak1 the goose being the one who finally consents and tells the story4 ,a lady had been looking for a friend for a long time without success4 ,finally1 she came upon her in an unexpected way4 ,well1 she exclaimed1 ,i've been on a perfect wild-goose chase all day long1 but1 thank goodness1 ,i've found you at last4 #h4 ,,the ,,perplexed ,,sage ,to show that the chairman may safely confide in his own power to manage such poor material as the person who tells the story assumes himself to be4 ,and now what is it8 asked the sage1 as the young man timidly approached4 ,pray1 tell me1 asked the youth1 does a woman marry a man because of her confidence in the man1 or because of her confidence in her ability to manage him8 ,for once the sage had to take the question under advisement4 #i4 ,,quick ,,thought ,the following illustrates the advantages of a happy retort1 the importance of a felicitous phrase1 or of quick thought and ready speech4 ,it might be said that the preceding speaker was as ready as3 ,when ,napoleon 7then a student at ,brienne7 was asked how he would supply himself with provisions in a closely-invested town1 he answered1 without a moment's hesitation1 ,from the enemy1 which so pleased the examiners that they passed him without further questions4 #aj4 ,the ,russian ,general ,suvaroff is said to have promoted one of his sergeants for giving substantially the same answer4 ,the ,emperor ,paul1 of ,russia1 was so provoked by the awkwardness of an officer on review that he ordered him to resign at once and retire to his estate4 ,but he has no estate1 the commander ventured4 ,then give him one6 thundered the despot1 whose word was law1 and the man gained more by his blunders than he could have done by years of the most skillful service4 #aa4 ,the anger of an actor took the same turn as that of the ,czar4 ,colley ,cibber once missed his cue1 and the confusion that followed spoiled the best passage of ,betterton1 who was manager as well as actor4 ,he rushed behind the scenes in a towering passion1 and exclaimed1 ,forfeit1 ,master ,colley2 you shall be fined for such stupidity6 ,it can't be done1 said a fellow-actor1 for he gets no salary4 ,put him down for ten shillings a week and fine him five6 cried the furious manager4 #ab4 ,,insignificant ,,things ,the need of accuracy1 or how insignificant things sometimes change the meaning1 is shown by the following4 ,a merchant of ,london wrote his ,east ,india factor to send him #b or #c apes2 but he forgot to write the r in or1 and the factor wrote that he had sent #hj1 and would send the remainder of the #b #j #c as soon as they could be gathered in4 #ac4 ,a very well-known writer had a similar experience4 ,he was selling copies of his first literary venture1 and telegraphed to the publisher to send him three hundred books at once4 ,he answered4 ,shall ,i send them on an emigrant train1 or must they go first-class8 ,had to scour the city over to get them4 ,you must be going into the hotel business on a great scale to need so many ,cooks4 ,i was bewildered2 but all was explained when a copy of the dispatch showed that the telegraph clerk had mistaken the small b for a capital ,c4 #ad4 ,,making ,,an ,,excuse2 ,,or1 ,,johnny ,,peep ,a guest pleading to be excused from a speech or a song might say that he wanted to be accounted as ,johnny ,peep in the following story which ,allan ,cunningham tells of ,robert ,burns4 ,strolling one day in ,cumberland the poet lost his friends1 and thinking to find them at a certain tavern he popped his head in at the door4 ,seeing no one there but three strangers1 he apologized1 and was about to retire1 when one of the strangers called out1 ,come in1 ,johnny ,peep4 ,this invitation the convivial poet readily accepted1 and spent a very pleasant time with his newly-found companions4 ,as the conversation began to flag1 it was proposed that each should write a verse1 and place it1 together with two-and-six pence1 under the candlestick1 the best poet to take the half-crowns1 while the unsuccessful rhymers were to settle the bill among them4 ,according to ,cunningham1 ,burns obtained the stakes by writing3 ,here am ,i1 ,johnny ,peep2 ,i saw three sheep1 ,and these three sheep saw me4 ,half-a-crown apiece ,will pay for their fleece1 ,and so ,johnny ,peep goes free4 #ae4 ,,stern ,,logic ,probably this boy would have seen the necessity of avoiding such rich banquets as this4 ,say1 ma1 do they play base-ball in heaven8 ,why1 no1 my dear2 of course not4 ,why do you ask8 ,huh6 ,well1 you don't catch me being good and dying young then2 that's all4 #af4 ,,mistaken ,,brevity ,brevity is the soul of wit2 and calculation and economy are very commendable2 but they may be carried to extremes4 ,this may be used when the last speaker has closed a little abruptly4 ,this is the message the telegraph messenger handed a young man from his betrothed ,come down as soon as you can2 ,i am dying4 ,kate4 ,eight hours later he arrived at the summer hotel1 to be met on the piazza by ,kate herself4 ,why1 what did you mean by sending me such a message8 he asked4 ,oh6 she gurgled1 ,i wanted to say that ,i was dying to see you1 but my ten words ran out1 and ,i had to stop4 #ag4 ,,charity ,,begins ,,at ,,home ,breslau1 a celebrated juggler1 being at ,canterbury with his troupe1 met with such bad success that they were almost starved4 ,he repaired to the church wardens1 and promised to give a night's takings to the poor if the parish would pay for hiring a room1 etc4 ,the charitable bait took1 the benefit proved a bumper1 and the next morning the church wardens waited upon the wizard to touch the receipts4 ,i have already disposed of dem1 said ,breslau2 de profits were for de poor4 ,i have kept my promise1 and given de money to my own people1 who are de poorest in dis parish6 ,sir6 exclaimed the church wardens1 this is a trick4 ,i know it1 replied the conjurer2 ,i live by my tricks4 #ah4 ,,charity2 ,,or1 ,a ,,good ,,word ,,for ,,every ,,one--,,even ,,the ,,devil4 ,it is well to feel charitably and kindly at all times1 but especially at a dinner party4 ,a friend said to a ,scotchman who was celebrated for possessing these amiable qualities1 ,i believe you would actually find something to admire in ,satan himself4 ,the canny ,scot replied1 ,ah6 weel1 weel1 we must a' admit1 that auld ,nick has great energy and perseverance4 ,if the chairman has been very persistent in calling out reluctant speakers1 the foregoing would be a good story to turn the laugh upon him4 #ai4 ,,ingenious ,,reason ,the ,scotchman referred to in the last anecdote was as ingenious in finding a reason as the boy mentioned in the following3 ,can you suggest any reason why ,i should print your poem8 said the overbearing editor4 ,the dismal youth looked thoughtful1 and then replied3 ,you know ,i always inclose a stamp for the return of rejected manuscript8 ,yes4 ,well1 if you print it you can keep the stamp4 #bj4 ,,ambiguity ,,of ,,words ,the equivocal use of words in our language4 ,recently a west-bound train on the ,fitchburg 7,mass47 ,railroad had just left the town of ,athol ,when the conductor noticed among the new passengers a young man of intelligent appearance4 ,he asked for the young man's fare1 and the latter handed him a ticket to ,miller's ,falls and with it a cent4 ,for a moment the conductor suspected a joke1 but a look at the passenger's face convinced him to the contrary4 ,what is this cent for8 the conductor asked4 ,why1 ,i see1 answered the young fellow1 that the ticket isn't good unless it is stamped1 and as ,i don't happen to have a stamp with me ,i give you the cent instead4 ,you can put it on1 can't you8 ,the good-natured conductor handed back the coin with a smile1 remarking that it was a small matter1 and he would see that it was all right4 #ba4 ,,useless ,,regret ,persons who pretend to regret something without making a real effort to better it are hit off by this anecdote4 ,a father called his son rather late in the morning1 and finding him still abed1 indignantly demanded3 ,are you not ashamed to be caught asleep this time of day8 ,yes1 rather1 returned the ingenious youth1 but ,i'd ruther be ashamed than git up4 #bb4 ,,no ,,happiness ,,in ,,wealth ,the great advantage of being fully adapted to one's situation and contented with it4 ,there are people who cannot hold their heads under the influence of sudden riches4 ,they immediately begin to degenerate4 ,they have become so used to humble circumstances that wealth is a curse4 ,here is a case3 ,a tramp1 for some mysterious reason1 had accepted an offer to work about the place1 for which he was to receive his meals1 sundry old clothes1 and #be cents a day in cash4 ,for the first two or three days he did very well1 and he was paid #ej cents on account4 ,he did not spend the money1 but he began to grow listless and sad1 and at the end of the week he interviewed his employer4 ,you've been very kind to me1 sir1 he said1 and ,i want to thank you for what you have done4 ,that's all right1 was the reply4 ,i'm glad to be able to help you4 ,i know that1 sir1 and ,i appreciate it1 but ,i shall have to give it all up1 sir4 ,what's that for8 ,don't ,i pay you enough8 ,oh6 yes1 sir2 that isn't it4 ,i have #ge cents left1 sir1 but ,i find that money doesn't bring happiness1 sir1 and ,i guess ,i'll resign and go back to the old ways1 sir4 ,wealth is a curse to some people1 sir1 and ,i fancy ,i belong to that class4 ,good-bye1 sir4 ,and he shambled off down the path and struck the highway4 #bc4 ,,short ,,but ,,pointed ,splendid for a speaker called up rather late in the evening--even if he should make a short speech afterward4 ,being nobody in particular1 a ,mr4 ,bailey was placed last on the list of the speakers4 ,the chairman introduced several speakers whose names were not on the list1 and the audience were tired out when he said1 ,mr4 ,bailey will now give you his address4 ,my address1 said ,mr4 ,bailey1 rising1 is ,no4 #de ,loughboro ,park1 ,brixton ,road1 and ,i wish you all good night4 #bd4 ,,reasoning ,,in ,a ,,circle ,this is very common1 as in the case of the heroine of this story4 ,the director of a ,chicago bank tells how his wife overdrew her account at the bank one day last month4 ,i spoke to her about it one evening1 said he1 and told her she ought to adjust it at once4 ,a day or two afterward ,i asked her if she had done what ,i suggested4 ',oh6 yes1' she answered4 ',i attended to that matter the very next morning after you spoke about it4 ,i sent the bank my check for the amount ,i had overdrawn4' #be4 ,,extreme ,,economy ,economy is a great virtue1 but it should not be extreme4 ,an old lady of ,massachusetts was famed in her native township for health and thrift4 ,to an acquaintance who was once congratulating her upon the former she said3 ,we be pretty well for old folks1 ,josiah and me4 ,josiah hasn't had an ailin' time for fifty years1 'cept last winter4 ,and ,i ain't never suffered but one day in my life1 and that was when ,i took some of the medicine ,josiah had left over1 so's how it shouldn't be wasted4 #bf4 ,,sensible ,,to ,,the ,,last ,how we commend those who take our standards and help us4 ,a story is told of a late ,dublin doctor1 famous for his skill and also his great love of money4 ,he had a constant and profitable patient in an old shopkeeper in ,dame ,street4 ,this old lady was terribly rheumatic and unable to leave her sofa4 ,during the doctor's visit she kept a #a note in her hand1 which duly went into ,dr4 ,c4's pocket4 ,one morning he found her lying dead on the sofa4 ,sighing deeply1 the doctor approached1 and taking her hand in his1 he saw the fingers closed on his fee4 ,poor thing1 he said as he pocketed it1 sensible to the last4 #bg4 ,,fishing ,,for ,a ,,compliment ,fishing for compliments is sometimes dangerous4 ,a well-known ,congressman1 who was a farmer before he went into politics1 was doing his district not long ago1 and in his rambles he saw a man in a stumpy patch of ground trying to get a plow through it4 ,he went over to him1 and after a brief salutation he asked the privilege of making a turn or two with the plow4 ,the native shook his head doubtfully as he looked at his visitor's store clothes and general air of gentleman of elegant leisure1 but he let him take the plow4 ,the ,congressman sailed away with it in fine style1 and plowed four or five furrows before the owner of the field could recover his surprise4 ,then he pulled up and handed the handles over to the original holder4 ,by gravy1 mister1 said the farmer1 admiringly1 air you in the aggercultural business8 ,no1 laughed the statesman4 ,y'ain't selling plows8 ,no4 ,then what in thunder air you8 ,i'm the member of ,congress from this district4 ,air you the man ,i voted for and that ,i've been reading about in the papers doin' legislatin' and sich in ,washington8 ,yes4 ,well1 by hokey1 mister1 said the farmer1 as he looked with admiration over the recently-plowed furrows1 ef ,i'd a had any idea that ,i was votin' fer a waste of sich good farmin' material ,i'd voted fer the other candidate as shore as shootin'4 #bh4 ,,beyond ,,expression ,when called on for a speech one may answer the chairman in the words of this lady3 ,she was in her room when some people came to call4 ,her husband received the company1 and after awhile said to his daughter1 who was playing about the room3 ,go up-stairs and tell your mamma that ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,blank have come to call4 ,the child went1 and after a while returned and began to play again4 ,did you tell your mamma that ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,blank are here8 asked the father4 ,oh6 yes4 ,and what did she say8 ,the little girl looked up1 and after a moment's hesitation1 exclaimed3 ,she said--well1 she said1 ',o dear6' #bi4 ,,the ,,toast ,,of ,,the ,,evening ,the comment upon this incident by the editor is not less amusing than the speech4 ,it is not always a pleasant thing to be called upon suddenly to address a public meeting of any sort1 as is amusingly illustrated by the following speech at the opening of a free hospital by one who was certainly not born an orator3 ,gentlemen--ahem--,i--,i--,i rise to say--that is1 ,i wish to propose a toast1 which ,i think you'll all say--ahem--,i think1 at least1 that this toast is1 as you'll say1 the toast of the occasion4 ,gentlemen1 ,i belong to a good many of these things1 and ,i say1 gentlemen1 that this hospital requires no patronage--at least1 what ,i mean is1 you don't want any recommendation4 ,you've only got to be ill--got to be ill4 ,now1 gentlemen1 ,i find by the report 7turning over the leaves in a fidgety way7 that from the year seventeen--no eighteen--no1 ah1 yes1 ,i'm right--eighteen hundred and fifty--no1 it's a '#c'--thirty-six--eighteen hundred and thirty-six1 no less than one hundred and ninety-three millions--no6 ah6 7to a committeeman at his side7 ,eh8 oh1 yes1 thank you--yes--one hundred and ninety-three thousand--two millions--no 7after a close scrutiny at the report7 two hundred and thirty-one--one hundred and ninety-three thousand1 two hundred and thirty-one6 ,gentlemen1 ,i beg to propose--success to this admirable institution6 ,to what the large and variously stated figures referred no one in the audience ever felt positive1 but all agreed1 as he had said they would1 that this was the toast of the evening4 #cj4 ,,bee ,,line ,he knew how to escape from more than one kind of fire4 ,a soldier on guard in ,south ,carolina during the war was questioned as to his knowledge of his duties4 ,you know your duty here1 do you1 sentinel8 ,yes1 sir4 ,well1 now1 suppose they should open on you with shells and musketry1 what would you do8 ,form a line1 sir4 ,what6 one man form a line8 ,yes1 sir2 form a bee-line for camp1 sir4 #ca4 ,,ventriloquism ,take the good the ,gods provide4 ,at ,raglan ,castle1 said ,mr4 ,ganthony1 the ventriloquist1 ,i gave an entertainment in the open air1 and throwing my voice up into the ivy-covered ruins1 said3 ,what are you doing there8 ,to my amazement a boy answered3 ,i climbed up 'ere this mornin' just to see the folk and 'ear the music2 ,i won't do no harm4 ,i replied3 ,very well1 stay there1 and don't let any one see you1 do you hear8 ,the reply came3 ,yes1 muster1 ,i 'ear4 ,this got me thunders of applause4 ,i made up my mind to risk it1 so ,i bowed1 and the boy never showed himself4 #cb4 ,a ,,slight ,,mistake ,orders should be strictly obeyed4 ,a celebrated ,german physician1 according to a ,london paper1 was once called upon to treat an aristocratic lady1 the sole cause of whose complaint was high living and lack of exercise4 ,but it would never have done to tell her so4 ,so his medical advice was3 ,arise at five o clock1 take a walk in the park for one hour1 then drink a cup of tea1 then walk another hour1 and take a cup of chocolate4 ,take breakfast at eight4 ,her condition improved visibly1 until one fine morning the carriage of the baroness was seen to approach the physician's residence at lightning speed4 ,the patient dashed up to the doctor's house1 and on his appearing on the scene she gasped out3 ,o doctor6 ,i took the chocolate first6 ,then drive home as fast as you can1 directed the astute disciple of sculapius1 rapidly writing a prescription1 and take this emetic4 ,the tea must be underneath4 ,the grateful patient complied4 ,she is still improving4 #cc4 ,,presence ,,of ,,mind ,a fine story to illustrate the value 7money value7 of presence of mind4 ,a witty person whom ,bismarck was commissioned by the ,emperor to decorate with the ,iron ,cross of the first class1 discomfited the ,chancellor's attempt to chaff him4 ,i am authorized1 said ,bismarck1 to offer you one hundred thalers instead of the cross4 ,how much is the cross worth8 asked the soldier4 ,three thalers4 ,very well1 then1 your highness1 ,i'll take the cross and ninety-seven thalers4 ,bismarck was so surprised and pleased by the ready shrewdness of the reply that he gave the man both the cross and the money4 #cd4 ,,joke ,,on ,a ,,dude ,a good story for one who has some power of personation1 for the dudes get little sympathy4 ,a crowded car ran down the other evening4 ,within was a full-blown1 eye-glassed1 drab-gaitered dude1 apparently satisfied that he was jammed in among an admiring community4 ,on the rear platform a cheery young mechanic was twitting the conductor and occasionally making a remark to a fresh passenger4 ,everybody took it in good part as a case of inoffensive high spirits1 all but the dude1 who evinced a strong disgust4 ,when the young man called out to an old gentleman1 ,sit out here1 guvinor1 on the back piazza1 or to another1 ,don't crowd there2 stay where the breezes blow1 the dude looked daggers1 and at last1 grabbing the conductor's elbow and indicating the young man by a nod of the head1 evidently entered a protest4 ,every one saw it4 ,so did the young man1 and he gathered his wits together like a streak to finish that dude4 ,he did it all with an imperturbable good humor and seriousness which would carry conviction to the most doubting4 ,well1 ,i never6 he began1 poking his head inside the doorway with an air of comic surprise4 ,jes' to see you a-sitting there1 dressed up like that4 ,catch on to them gaiters1 will you8 ,ain't you got the nerve to go up and down ,broadway fixed up like that1 and your poor father and mother workin' hard at home8 ,ain't you 'shamed o' yourself1 and your father a honest1 hard-workin' driver1 and your mother a decent1 respectable washwoman8 ,y' ain't no good1 or you wouldn't have gev up your place1 and ,i think ,i'll go look after it myself and put a decent man in it4 ,he stepped off the car as if bent on doing this at once1 and the dude1 unable to resist the ridicule of the situation or defend the attack1 hastily stepped off after him4 #ce4 ,,newspaper ,,reporter ,equally good for a missionary meeting or a gathering of newspaper men4 ,a young journalist was requested to write something about the ,zenana ,mission4 ,he assured the readers of the paper that among the many scenes of missionary labor1 none had of late attracted more attention than the ,zenana ,mission1 and assuredly none was more deserving of this attention4 ,comparatively few years had passed since ,zenana had been opened up to ,british trade1 but already1 owing to the devotion of a handful of men and women1 the nature of the inhabitants had been almost entirely changed4 ,the ,zenanese1 from being a savage people1 had become1 in a wonderfully short space of time1 practically civilized2 and recent travelers to ,zenana had returned with the most glowing accounts of the continued progress of the good work in that country4 ,he then branched off into the laborer-worthy-of-his-hire side of this great work1 and the question was aptly asked if the devoted laborers in that remote vineyard were not deserving of support4 ,were civilization and ,christianity to be snatched from the ,zenanese just when both were within their grasp8 ,so on for nearly half a column the writer meandered in the most orthodox style1 just as he had done scores of times before when advocating certain missions4 ,some one who found him the next day running his finger down the letter ,z1 in the index to the ,handy ,atlas1 with a puzzled look upon his face1 knew he had had a letter from the editor4 #cf4 ,,how ,a ,,woman ,,proposed ,a variation of the old and always pleasing theme4 ,they were dining off fowl in a restaurant4 ,you see1 he explained1 as he showed her the wishbone1 you take hold here4 ,then we must both make a wish and pull1 and when it breaks the one who has the bigger part of it will have his or her wish granted4 ,but ,i don't know what to wish for1 she protested4 ,oh6 you can think of something1 he said4 ,no1 ,i can't1 she replied2 ,i can't think of anything ,i want very much4 ,well1 ,i'll wish for you1 he exclaimed4 ,will you1 really8 she asked4 ,yes4 ,well1 then1 there's no use fooling with the old wishbone1 she interrupted1 with a glad smile1 you can have me4 #cg4 ,,lucky ,,answer ,certainly ,thompson would be a lawyer1 ready for any emergency4 ,in times past there was in a certain law school an aged and eccentric professor4 ,general information was the old gentleman's hobby4 ,he held it as incontrovertible that if a young lawyer possessed a large fund of miscellaneous knowledge1 combined with an equal amount of common sense1 he would be successful in life4 ,so every year the professor put on his examination papers a question very far removed from the subject of criminal law4 ,one year it was1 ,how many kinds of trees are there in the college yard8 the next1 ,what is the make-up of the present ,english cabinet8 ,finally the professor thought he had invented the best question of his life4 ,it was1 ,name twelve animals that inhabit the polar regions4 ,the professor chuckled as he wrote this down4 ,he was sure he would pluck half the students on that question and it was beyond a doubt that that opprobrious young loafer ,thompson would fail4 ,but when the professor read the examination papers1 ,thompson1 who had not answered another question1 was the only man who had solved the polar problem4 ,this was ,thompson's answer3 ,six seals and six polar bears4 ,thompson got his degree with distinction4 #ch4 ,,double ,,education ,a young doctor1 wishing to make a good impression upon a ,german farmer1 mentioned the fact that he had received a double education1 as it were4 ,he had studied homoeopathy1 and was also a graduate of a regular medical school4 ,oh6 dot vas noding1 said the farmer1 ,i had vonce a calf vot sucked two cows1 and he made nothing but a common schteer after all4 #ci4 ,,remnants ,this and the preceding have a little spice of ill-nature1 and while enjoyable must be applied carefully4 ,wife--,such a dream as ,i had last night1 dear6 ,husband--,may ,i hear about it8 ,well1 yes2 ,i dreamed ,i was in a great establishment where they sold husbands4 ,they were beauties2 some in glass cases and marked at fearful prices1 and others were sold at less figures4 ,girls were paying out fortunes1 and getting the handsomest men ,i ever saw4 ,it was wonderful4 ,did you see any like me there1 dear8 ,yes2 just as ,i was leaving ,i saw a whole lot like you lying on the remnant counter4 #dj4 ,,indirect ,,and ,,direct ,the following instances show that it is necessary to heed indirect as well as direct meanings4 ,mr4 ,callon1 ,m4 ,p4 for ,louth1 ,ireland1 a stanch opponent of the ,sunday ,closing and ,permissive ,bill and personally a great benefactor to the ,revenue1 replying to the ,irish ,attorney-,general1 said3 ,the facts relied on by the learned gentleman are very strange4 ,now1 ,mr4 ,speaker1 ,i swallow a good deal4 ',hear1 hear1' ',quite true1' ',begorra1 you can1' and roars of laughter4 ,i repeat1 ,i can swallow a great deal ',hear1 hear1' and fresh volleys of laughter1 but ,i can't swallow that4 ,a few nights before1 in a debate which had to do with the ,jews1 ,baron de ,worms had just remarked1 ,we owe much to the ,jews1 when there came a feeling groan from a well-known member in his back corner1 ,we do4 #da4 ,,an ,,unmarried ,,man',s ,,wife ,at a dinner at ,delmonico's1 after the bottle had made its tenth round1 one of the company proposed this toast3 ,to the man whose wife was never vixenish to him6 ,a wag of an old bachelor jumped up and said3 ,gentlemen1 as ,i am the only unmarried man at this table1 ,i suppose that that toast was intended for me4 #db4 ,a ,,dilemma ,i am no good unless ,i strike1 said the match4 ,and you lose your head every time you do strike1 said the box4 #dc4 ,,courageous ,,girl ,the following is a good instance of an elaborate story and a sharp retort4 ,it is not always safe to presume upon the timidity or ignorance of folks4 ,the most demure may be the most courageous4 ,a gentleman who attempted to play a practical joke in order to test the courage of a servant1 was nonplused in a very unexpected way4 ,here is his story3 ,i am very particular about fastening the doors and windows of my house4 ,i do not intend to leave them open at night as an invitation to burglars to enter4 ,you see1 ,i was robbed once in that way last year1 and ,i never mean to be again2 so when ,i go to bed ,i like to be sure that every door and window is securely fastened4 ,last winter my wife engaged a big1 strong country girl1 and the new-comer was very careless about the doors at night4 ,on two or three occasions ,i came down-stairs to find a window up or the back door unlocked4 ,i cautioned her1 but it did her no good4 ,i therefore determined to frighten her4 ,i got some false whiskers1 and one night about eleven o'clock ,i crept down the back-stairs to the kitchen1 where she was4 ,she had turned down the gas1 and was in her chair by the fire fast asleep1 as ,i could tell by her breathing1 but the moment ,i struck a match she awoke4 ,i expected a great yelling and screaming1 but nothing of the sort took place4 ,she bounced out of her seat with a ,you villain6 on her lips1 seized a chair by the back1 and before ,i had made a move she hit me over the head1 forcing me to my knees4 ,i tried to get up1 tried to explain who ,i was1 but in vain4 ,before ,i could get out of the room she struck me again1 and it was only after ,i had tumbled up the back-stairs that she gave the alarm4 ,then she came up to my room1 rapped at the door1 and coolly announced3 ,mr4 ----1 please get up4 ,i've killed a burglar4 #dd4 ,,moral ,,suasion ,what are your usual modes of punishment8 was among the questions submitted to a teacher in rural district in ,ohio4 ,her answer was1 ,i try moral suasion first1 and if that does not work ,i use capital punishment4 ,as it was a neighborhood where moral suasion had not been a success1 and the children were scarce the committee took no risks4 #de4 ,,cute ,,boy ,the teacher in geography was putting the class through a few simple tests3 ,on which side of the earth is the ,north ,pole8 he inquired4 ,on the north side1 came the unanimous answer4 ,on which side is the ,south ,pole8 ,on the south side8 ,now1 on which side are the most people8 ,this was a poser1 and nobody answered4 ,finally1 a very young scholar held up his hand4 ,i know1 he said1 hesitatingly1 as if the excess of his knowledge was too much for him4 ,good for you1 said the teacher1 encouragingly2 tell the class on which side the most people are4 ,on the outside1 piped the youngster1 and whatever answer the teacher had in her mind was lost in the shuffle4 #df4 ,,perplexed ,bob--,hello6 ,i'm awfully glad to see you6 ,dick--,i guess there must be some mistake4 ,i don't owe you anything1 and ,i am not in a condition to place you in a position to owe me anything6 #dg4 ,,ben ,,franklin',s ,,oysters ,benjamin ,franklin was not unlike other boys in his love for sophomoric phrases4 ,it is related that one day he told his father that he had swallowed some acephalus molluscus1 which so alarmed him that he shrieked for help4 ,the mother came in with warm water1 and forced half a gallon down ,benjamin's throat with the garden pump1 then held him upside down1 the father saying1 ,if we don't get those things out of ,bennie he'll be poisoned sure4 ,when ,benjamin was allowed to get his breath he explained that the articles referred to were oysters4 ,his father was so indignant that he whipped him for an hour for frightening the family4 ,franklin never afterward used a word with two syllables when a monosyllable would do4 #dh4 ,,family ,,affairs ,newlywed seems to find particular delight in parading his little family affairs before the eyes of his acquaintances1 ,does he8 ,what are they8 ,scandals8 ,nop1 twins4 #di4 ,a ,,burglar',s ,,experience ,a ,new ,york paper prints this extract from the reminiscences of a retired burglar3 ,i think about the most curious man ,i ever met1 said the retired burglar1 ,i met in a house in eastern ,connecticut1 and ,i shouldn't know him1 either1 if ,i should meet him again unless ,i should hear him speak4 ,it was so dark where ,i met him that ,i never saw him at all4 ,i had looked around the house down-stairs1 and actually hadn't seen a thing worth carrying off4 ,it was the poorest house ,i ever was in1 and it wasn't a bad-looking house on the outside1 either4 ,i got up-stairs and groped around a little1 and finally turned into a room that was darker than ,egypt4 ,i had not gone more than three steps in this room when ,i heard a man say3 ',hello1 there4' ',hello1' says ,i4 ',who are you8' says the man2 'burglar8' ,and ,i said yes2 ,i did do something in that line occasionally4 ',miserable business to be in1 ain't it8' said the man4 ,his voice came from a bed over in the corner of the room1 and ,i knew he hadn't even sat up4 ,and ,i said1 ',well1 ,i dunno4 ,i got to support my family some way4' ',well1 you've just wasted a night here1' says the man4 ',did you see anything down-stairs worth stealing8' ,and ,i said no1 ,i hadn't4 ',well1 there's less up-stairs1' says the man2 and then ,i heard him turn over and settle down to go to sleep again4 ,i'd like to have gone over there and kicked him1 but ,i didn't4 ,it was getting late1 and ,i thought1 all things considered1 that ,i might just as well let him have his sleep out4 #ej4 ,,hitting ,a ,,lawyer ,have you had a job to-day1 ,tim8 inquired a well-known legal gentleman of the equally well-known1 jolly1 florid-faced old drayman1 who1 rain or shine1 summer or winter1 is rarely absent from his post4 ,bedad1 ,i did1 sor4 ,how many8 ,only two1 sor4 ,how much did you get for both8 ,sivinty cints1 sor4 ,seventy cents6 ,how in the world do you expect to live and keep a horse on seventy cents a day8 ,some days ,i have half a dozen jobs1 sor4 ,but bizness has been dull to-day1 sor4 ,on'y the hauling of a thrunk for a gintilman for forty cints an' a load av furniture for thirty cints2 an' there was the pots an' the kittles1 an' there's no telling phat2 a big load1 sor4 ,do you carry big loads of household goods for thirty cents8 ,she was a poor widdy1 sor1 an' had no more to give me4 ,i took all she had1 sor2 an' bedad1 sor1 a lyyer could have done no better nor that1 sor4 #ea4 ,,cutting ,,short ,a ,,prayer ,many a spiritual history is condensed into a miniature in the following3 ,two fishermen--,jamie and ,sandy--belated and befogged on a rough water1 were in some trepidation lest they should never get ashore again4 ,at last ,jamie said3 ,sandy1 ,i'm steering1 and ,i think you'd better put up a bit of a prayer4 ,sandy said3 ,i don't know how4 ,jamie said3 ,if you don't ,i'll just chuck ye overboard4 ,sandy began3 ,o ,lord1 ,i never asked onything of ,ye for fifteen year1 and if ,ye'll only get us safe back ,i'll never trouble ,ye again4 ,whist1 ,sandy1 said ,jamie1 the boat's touched shore2 don't be beholden to onybody4 #eb4 ,,unremitting ,,kindness ,jerrold was asked if he considered a man kind who remitted no funds to his family when away4 ,oh6 yes4 ,unremitting kindness1 said he4 #ec4 ,,amusing ,,blunder ,one of the passengers on board the ill-fated ,metis at the time of the disaster was an exceedingly nervous man1 who1 while floating in the water1 imagined how his friends would acquaint his wife of his fate4 ,saved at last1 he rushed to the telegraph office and sent this message3 ,dear ,p----1 ,i am saved4 ,break it gently to my wife4 #ed4 ,,compliment ,,to ,a ,,lady ,how nicely this might fit into a ladies' party4 ,sidney ,smith1 the cultivated writer and divine1 who1 when describing his country residence1 declared that he lived twelve miles from a lemon1 was told by a beautiful girl that a certain pea in his garden would never come to perfection4 ,permit me then1 said he1 taking her by the hand1 to lead perfection to the pea4 #ee4 ,,too ,,slim ,the great evil of mixing religion and politics are well set forth in the following incident3 ,gabe1 said the governor to an old colored man1 ,i understand that you have been ousted from your position of ,sunday-school superintendent4 ,yes1 sah1 da figured aroun' till da got me out4 ,,ii was all a piece of political work1 though2 and ,i doan see why de law of de lan' doan prevent de ,sunday-schools an' churches from takin' up political matters6 ,how did politics get you out8 ,yer see1 some time ago1 when ,i was a candidate for justice ob de peace1 ,i gin' a barbecue ter some ob my frien's4 ,de udder day da brung up de fack an' ousted me4 ,i don't see why the fact that you gave a barbecue to your friends should have caused any trouble4 ,neider does myse'f1 boss2 but yer see da said dat ,i stole de hogs what ,i barbecued4 ,de proof wa'nt good1 an' ,i think dat da done wrong in ackin' upon sech slim testimony4 ,da said dat ,i cotch de hogs in a corn fid'4 ,i know dat wan't true1 'case it was a wheat fid' whar ,i cotch 'em4 #ef4 ,a ,,fast-,,day ,,toast ,on one of the fast-days--a cold1 bleak one1 too--,father ,foley1 a popular and genial priest1 on his way from a distant visitation1 dropped in to see ,widow ,o',brien1 who was as jolly as himself1 and equally as fond of the creature comforts1 and1 what is better1 well able to provide them4 ,as it was about dinner-time1 his reverence thought he would stay and have a morsel with the old dame2 but what was his horror to see served up in good style a pair of splendid roast ducks6 ,oh6 musha1 ,mistress ,o',brien1 what have ye there8 he exclaimed1 in well-feigned surprise4 ,ducks1 yer riverence4 ,ducks6 roast ducks6 and this a fast-day of the holy ,church6 ,wisha6 ,i never thought of that2 but why can't we eat a bit of duck1 yer riverence8 ,why8 ,because the ,council of ,trint won't lave us--that's why4 ,well1 well1 now1 but ,i'm sorry fur that1 fur ,i can only give ye a bite of bread and cheese and a glass of something hot4 ,would that be any harrum1 sir8 ,harrum6 by no manes1 woman4 ,sure we must live any way1 and bread and cheese is not forbid6 ,nayther whiskey punch8 ,nayther that4 ,well1 thin1 yer riverence1 would it be any harrum fur me to give a toast8 ,by no manes1 ,mrs4 ,o',brien4 ,toast away as much as ye like1 bedad6 ,well1 thin1 here's to the ,council of ,trint1 fur if it keeps us from atin'1 it doesn't keep us from drinkin'6 #eg4 ,,the ,,sun ,,standing ,,still ,james ,russell ,lowell1 when concluding an after-dinner speech in ,england1 made a happy hit by introducing the story of a ,methodist preacher at a camp-meeting1 of whom he had heard when he was young4 ,he was preaching on ,joshua ordering the sun to stand still3 ,my hearers1 he said1 there are three motions of the sun2 the first is the straightforward or direct motion of the sun1 the second is the retrograde or backward motion of the sun1 and the third is the motion mentioned in our text--'the sun stood still4' ,now1 gentlemen1 ,i do not know whether you see the application of that story to after-dinner oratory4 ,i hope you do4 ,the after-dinner orator at first begins and goes straight forward--that is the straightforward motion of the sun2 next he goes back and begins to repeat himself a little1 and that is the retrograde or backward motion of the sun2 and at last he has the good sense to bring himself to an end1 and that is the motion mentioned in our text of the sun standing still4 #eh4 ,,neutralizing ,,poison ,col4 ,john ,h4 ,george1 a ,new ,hampshire barrister1 tells a good story on himself4 ,meeting an old farmer recently whom he had known in his youth1 the old fellow congratulated the ,colonel on his youthful appearance4 ,how is it you've managed to keep so fresh and good-looking all these years8 quoth he4 ,well1 said ,george1 ,i'll tell you4 ,i've always drank new rum and voted the ,democratic ticket4 ,oh6 yes1 said the old man1 ,i see how it is2 one pizen neutralizes the other6 #ei4 ,,general ,,butler ,,and ,,the ,,spoons ,while ,general ,butler was delivering a speech in ,boston during an exciting political campaign1 one of his hearers cried out3 ,how about the spoons1 ,ben8 ,benjamin's good eye twinkled merrily as he looked bashfully at the audience1 and said3 ,now1 don't mention that1 please4 ,i was a ,republican when ,i stole those spoons4 #fj4 ,,making ,,most ,,of ,,one',s ,,capital ,one should always make the most of his capital1 as this orator did4 ,fellow-citizens1 my competitor has told you of the services he rendered in the late war4 ,i will follow his example1 and ,i shall tell you of mine4 ,he basely insinuates that ,i was deaf to the voice of honor in that crisis4 ,the truth is1 ,i acted a humble part in that memorable contest4 ,when the tocsin of war summoned the chivalry of the country to rally to the defense of the nation1 ,i1 fellow-citizens1 animated by that patriotic spirit that glows in every ,american's bosom1 hired a substitute for that war1 and the bones of that man1 fellow-citizens1 now lie bleaching in the valley of the ,shenandoah6 #fa4 ,,meeting ,,half-,,way ,but the following man could get even more out of an unpromising situation4 ,now1 ,i want to know1 said a man whose veracity had been questioned by an angry acquaintance1 just why you call me a liar4 ,be frank1 sir2 for frankness is a golden-trimmed virtue4 ,just as a friend1 now1 tell me why you called me a liar4 ,called you a liar because you are a liar1 the acquaintance replied4 ,that's what ,i call frankness4 ,why1 sir1 if this rule were adopted over half of the difficulties would be settled without trouble1 and in our case there would have been trouble but for our willingness to meet each other half-way4 #fb4 ,,unfortunate ,,mistake ,judge ----1 who is now a very able ,judge of the ,supreme ,court of one of the great ,states of this ,union1 when he first came to the bar1 was a very blundering speaker4 ,on one occasion1 when he was trying a case of replevin1 involving the right of property to a lot of hogs1 he addressed the jury as follows3 ,gentlemen of the jury1 there were just twenty-four hogs in that drove--just twenty-four1 gentlemen--exactly twice as many as there are in that jury-box6 ,the effect can be imagined4 #fc4 ,,taken ,,at ,,his ,,word ,a pretentious person said to the leading man of a country village1 ,how would a lecture by me on ,mount ,vesuvius suit the inhabitants of your village8 ,very well1 sir2 very well1 indeed1 he answered2 a lecture by you on ,mount ,vesuvius would suit them a great deal better than a lecture by you in this village4 #fd4 ,,bragging ,,veterans ,in warning veterans against exaggerating1 a gentleman at a ,washington banquet related the following anecdote of a ,revolutionary veteran1 who1 having outlived nearly all his comrades1 and being in no danger of contradiction1 rehearsed his experience thuswise3 ,in that fearful day at ,monmouth1 although entitled to a horse1 ,i fought on foot4 ,with each blow ,i severed an ,englishman's head from his body1 until a huge pile of heads lay around me1 great pools of blood on either side1 and my shoes were so full of the same dreadful fluid that my feet slipped beneath me4 ,just then ,i felt a touch upon my shoulder1 and1 looking up1 who should ,i behold but the great and good ,washington himself6 ,never shall ,i forget the majesty and dignity of his presence1 as1 pressing his hand upon me1 he said1 ',my young friend1 restrain yourself1 and for heaven's sake do not make a slaughter-house of yourself4' #fe4 ,,exchanging ,,minds ,heinrich ,heine1 the ,german poet1 apologizing for feeling dull after a visit from a professor said3 ,i am afraid you find me very stupid4 ,the fact is1 ,dr4 ---- called upon me this morning1 and we exchanged our minds4 #ff4 ,,buying ,a ,,lawyer ,the willingness to pay full value for an article is a trait of character always appreciated4 ,lawyer ,b---- called at the office of ,counselor ,f----1 who has had considerable practice in bankruptcy1 and said3 ,see here1 ,f----1 ,i want to know what the practice is in such and such a case in bankruptcy4 ,f----1 straightening himself up and looking as wise as possible1 replied3 ,well1 ,mr4 ,b----1 ,i generally get paid for telling what ,i know4 ,b---- put his hand into his pocket1 drew forth half a dollar1 handed it to ,f----1 and said3 ,here1 tell me all you know1 and give me the change4 #fg4 ,,would ,,not ,,save ,,it ,in the old town of ,w----1 in the ,pine-tree ,state1 lived one of those unfortunate lords of creation who had1 in not a very long life1 put on mourning for three departed wives4 ,but time assuages heart-wounds1 as well as those of the flesh4 ,in due time a fourth was inaugurated mistress of his heart and house4 ,he was a very prudent man1 and suffered nothing to be wasted4 ,when the new mistress was putting things in order1 while cleaning up the attic she came across a long piece of board1 and was about launching it out of the window1 when little ,sadie interposed1 and said3 ,oh6 don't1 mamma6 that is the board papa lays out his wives on1 and he wants to save it6 ,nevertheless1 out it went4 #fh4 ,,widow ,,outwitted ,in a ,western village a charming1 well-preserved widow had been courted and won by a physician4 ,she had children4 ,the wedding-day was approaching1 and it was time the children should know they were to have a new father4 ,calling one of them to her1 she said3 ,georgie1 ,i am going to do something before long that ,i would like to talk about with you4 ,well1 ma1 what is it6 ,i am intending to marry ,dr4 ,jones in a few days1 and-- ,bully for you1 ma6 ,does ,dr4 ,jones know it8 ,ma caught her breath1 but failed to articulate a response4 #fi4 ,,too ,,kind ,where can we find a more touching manifestation of mutual benevolence than the following4 ,in ,new ,jersey reside two gentlemen1 near neighbors and bosom friends1 one a clergyman1 ,dr4 ,b----1 the other a gentleman of means named ,wilson4 ,both were passionately fond of music1 and the latter devoted many of his leisure hours to the study of the violin4 ,one fine afternoon our clerical friend was in his study1 deeply engaged in writing1 when there came along one of those good-for-nothing little ,italian players1 who planted himself under his study window1 and1 much to his annoyance1 commenced scraping away on a squeaky fiddle4 ,after trying in vain for about fifteen minutes to collect his scattered thoughts1 the ,doctor descended to the piazza in front of the house1 and said to the boy3 ,look here1 sonny1 you go over and play awhile for ,mr4 ,wilson4 ,here is ten cents4 ,he lives in that big white house over yonder4 ,he plays the violin1 and likes music better than ,i do4 ,well1 said the boy1 taking the stamp1 ,i would1 but he just gave me ten cents to come over and play for you6 #gj4 ,,not ,,fooled ,,twice ,san ,francisco boasts of a saloon called the ,bank ,exchange1 where the finest wines and liquors are dispensed at twenty-five cents a glass1 with lunches thrown in free4 ,a plain-looking person went in one morning and called for a brandy cocktail1 and wanted it strong4 ,mr4 ,parker1 as is usual with him1 was very considerate1 and mixed the drink in his best style1 setting it down for his customer4 ,after the cocktail had disappeared the man leaned over the bar and said that he had no change about him then1 but would have soon1 when he would pay for the drink4 ,parker politely remarked that he should have mentioned the fact before he got the drink2 when his customer remarked3 ,i tried that on yesterday morning with one of your men1 but he would not let me have the whiskey1 so you could not play that dodge on me again6 ,this was too good for ,parker1 and he told the customer he was welcome to his drink1 and was entitled to his hat in the bargain1 if he wanted it4 #ga4 ,,biting ,,sarcasm ,standing on the steps at the entrance to one of the grand hotels at ,saratoga1 a young gentleman1 in whom the dude species was strongly developed1 had been listening with eager attention to the bright things which fell from the lips of the well-known wit and orator1 ,emory ,a4 ,storrs4 ,at last our exquisite exclaimed3 ,er--,mr4 ,storrs1--,i--er--wish1 oh6 how ,i--er--wish6 that ,i had your--er--cheek4 ,mr4 ,storrs instantly annihilated him with3 ,it is a most fortunate dispensation of ,providence that you have not4 ,for1 with my cheek and your brains1 you would be kicked down these steps in no time6 #gb4 ,,incorrigible ,,neighbor ,a lady in ,california had a troublesome neighbor1 whose cattle overrun her ranch1 causing much damage4 ,the lady bore the annoyance patiently1 hoping that some compunction would be felt for the damage inflicted4 ,at last she caught a calf which was making havoc in her garden1 and sent it home with a child1 saying1 ,tell ,mrs4 ,a4 that the calf has eaten nearly everything in the garden1 and ,i have scarcely a cabbage left4 ,the feelings of the injured lady may be imagined when she received this reply3 ,the cabbage nearly all eaten6 ,well1 ,i must get over and borrow some before it is all gone6 #gc4 ,,disgusted ,,officer ,some years since a party of ,indians drove off all the live-stock at ,fort ,lancaster4 ,a few days afterward ,captain ---- was passing through the post1 and stopped a couple of days for rest4 ,while there an enthusiastic officer took him out to show him the trail of the bad ,indians1 how they came1 which way they went1 etc4 ,after following the trail for some distance the ,captain turned to his guide and exclaimed3 ,look here2 if you want to find any ,indians1 you can find them2 ,i haven't lost any1 and am going back to camp4 #gd4 ,,irate ,,prisoner ,a man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial4 ,the case was given to the jury1 who brought him in guilty1 and the judge sentenced him to three months' imprisonment4 ,the jailer was a jovial man1 fond of a smile1 and feeling particularly good on that particular day1 considered himself insulted when the prisoner looking around his cell told him it was dirty1 and not fit for a hog to be put in4 ,one word brought on another1 till finally the jailer told the prisoner if he did not behave himself he would put him out4 ,to which the prisoner replied3 ,i will give you to understand1 sir1 ,i have as good a right here as you have6 #ge4 ,,truthful ,,prisoner ,the eccentric old ,king of ,prussia1 father of ,frederick the ,great1 while visiting the ,potsdam prison1 was much interested in the professions of innocence the prisoners made4 ,some blamed their conviction on the prejudice of judges2 others1 upon the perjury of witnesses or the tricks of bad companions4 ,at length he accosted a sturdy1 closely-fettered prisoner with the remark1 ,i suppose you are innocent1 too4 ,no1 your ,majesty1 was the unexpected response4 ,i am guilty1 and richly deserve all ,i get4 ,here1 you turnkey1 thundered the monarch1 come and turn out this rascal1 quick1 before he corrupts this fine lot of innocent and abused people that you have about you4 #gf4 ,,ruling ,,passion ,there are persons now living in ,bennington who remember old ,billy ,b----1 of whom it might be said he furnished an example of the ruling passion strong in death4 ,when very ill1 and friends were expecting an early demise1 his nephew and a man hired for the occasion had butchered a steer which had been fattened2 and when the job was completed the nephew entered the sick-room1 where a few friends were assembled1 when1 to the astonishment of all1 the old man opened his eyes1 and turning his head slightly1 said1 in a full voice1 drawing out the words3 ,what have you been doing8 ,killing the steer1 was the reply4 ,what did you do with the hide8 ,left it in the barn2 going to sell it by-and-by4 ,let the boys drag it around the yard a couple of times2 it will make it weigh heavier4 ,and the good old man was gathered unto his fathers4 #gg4 ,,bad ,,speculation ,this is told of bears1 rattlesnakes1 etc41 as well as ,indians4 ,at a recent festive occasion a gentleman who was making a few remarks was repeatedly interrupted by another one of the company4 ,he bore it patiently at first1 but finally said that it reminded him of a story he had heard4 ,he said that a man1 whom business had called away a short distance from his home in the city1 thought he would pay his way back again by purchasing a number of hogs and driving them home4 ,he did so1 but when he and the hogs arrived at their destination the market for the latter had fallen considerably in price1 and the hogs had also lost weight on the journey4 ,it was remarked to him that he had made rather a bad speculation4 ,yes--well1 yes1 he answered reflectively4 ,yes--but then1 you see1 ,i had their company all the way6 #gh4 ,,satisfied ,,with ,,his ,,situation ,the following may not be strictly true1 but it well illustrates that there is always a lower depth in misfortune1 and--that ,western roads are often somewhat muddy4 ,some years ago1 when riding along one of the almost impassable roads in the far ,west1 ,i observed a dark-looking object lying in the middle of the road1 and my natural curiosity impelled me to dismount and examine it4 ,it proved to be a hat1 somewhat muddy and dilapidated1 but emphatically a hat4 ,on lifting it up1 to my surprise ,i found that it covered a head--a human head--which protruded sufficiently out of the mud to be recognizable as such4 ,i ventured to address the evidently wide-awake head1 and remarked that it seemed to be in a pretty bad sort of a fix4 ,wa'al1 yes6 the lips replied2 you're about right thar1 stranger2 but then ,i ain't anyway near as bad off as the horse that's under me6 #gi4 ,a ,,good ,,word ,,for ,,the ,,devil ,a conference preacher one day went into the house of a ,wesleyan ,reformer1 and saw the portraits of three expelled ministers suspended from the walls4 ,what6 said he1 have you got them hanging there8 ,oh6 yes1 was the answer2 they are there4 ,ah6 well2 but one is wanted to complete the set4 ,pray1 who is that8 ,why1 the devil1 to be sure4 ,ah6 said the ,reformer1 but he is not yet expelled from the ,conference4 #hj4 ,,marrying ,a ,,widow ,in ,cadiz1 ,ohio1 a preacher was summoned to the hotel to make an expectant couple one4 ,in the course of the preliminary inquiries the groom was asked if he had been married before1 and admitted that he had been--three times4 ,and is this lady a widow1 was also asked1 but he responded promptly and emphatically1 ,no1 sir2 ,i never marry widows4 #ha4 ,a ,,good ,,sale ,several years ago there resided in ,saratoga ,county a lawyer of considerable ability and reputation1 but of no great culture1 who had an unusually fine taste in paintings and engravings--the only evidence of refinement he ever exhibited4 ,a clergyman of the village in which he lived1 knowing his fondness for such things1 introduced to him an agent of a publishing house in the city who was issuing a pictorial ,bible in numbers4 ,the specimen of the style of work exhibited to the lawyer was a very beautiful one1 and he readily put down his name for a copy4 ,but in the progress of the publication the character of the engravings rapidly deteriorated1 much to the disgust of the enlightened lawyer4 ,the picture of ,joseph1 very indifferently done1 provoked him beyond endurance1 and seizing several of the numbers he sallied forth to reproach the parson for leading him into such a bad bargain4 ,look at these wretched scratches1 said he1 turning the pages over1 and see how ,i have been imposed upon6 ,here is a portrait of ,joseph1 whom his brethren sold to the ,egyptians for twenty pieces of silver2 and let me tell you1 parson1 if ,joseph looked like that it was a mighty good sale6 #hb4 ,,triumphs ,,of ,,medicine ,a priest was called upon by a superstitious parishioner1 who asked him to do something for her sick cow4 ,he disclaimed knowing anything about such matters1 but could not put her off4 ,she insisted that if he would only say some words over the cow1 the animal would surely recover4 ,worn out with importunity1 he seized his book in desperation1 walked around the four-legged patient several times1 repeating in a sonorous voice the ,latin words1 which mean1 ,if you die1 you die2 and if you live1 you live1 and rushed off disgusted4 ,but the woman was delighted1 and sooth to say the cow quickly recovered4 ,but in time the good man himself was taken sick1 and grew rapidly worse4 ,his throat was terribly swollen1 and all medical aid was exhausted4 ,the word passed around the parish that the priest must die4 ,when ,bridget heard the peril of her favorite pastor she was inspired by a mighty resolve4 ,she hurried to the sick-room1 entered against the protest of the friends who were weeping around1 and with out a word to any one with her strong hands dragged his reverence's bed to the middle of the floor1 and with the exact copy of his very gestures and voice marched around the bed1 repeating the sonorous and well-remembered ,latin phrase1 ,if you die1 you die2 and if you live1 you live4 ,the priest fell into a fit of uncontrollable laughter1 and in his struggle for breath and self-control the gathering in his throat broke and his life was saved6 ,mighty are the triumphs of medicine6 #hc4 ,,tit ,,for ,,tat ,an old fellow in a neighboring town1 who is original in all things1 especially in excessive egotism1 and who took part in the late war1 was one day talking to a crowd of admiring listeners1 and boasting of his many bloody exploits1 when he was interrupted by the question3 ,i say1 old ,joe1 how many of the enemy did you kill during the war8 ,how many did ,i kill sir8 how many enemies did ,i kill8 ,well1 ,i don't know just 'zactly how many2 but ,i know this much--,i killed as many o' them as they did o' me6 #hd4 ,,sleeping ,,on ,,top ,during a homeward trip of the ,henry ,chauncey1 from ,aspinwall1 the steerage passengers were so numerous as to make them uncomfortable4 ,as for sleeping accommodation1 it was aptly described by a ,californian1 who approached the captain1 and said3 ,i should like to have a sleeping-berth1 if you please4 ,why1 where have you been sleeping these last two nights since we left8 ,wa'al1 ,i've been sleeping a-top of a sick man2 but he's better now1 and won't stand it no longer6 #he4 ,,sambo ,,and ,,the ,,lawyer ,in a ,macon 7,ga47 court the other day a lawyer was cross-examining a negro witness1 and was getting along fairly well until he asked the witness what his occupation was4 ,i'se a carpenter1 sah4 ,what kind of a carpenter8 ,they calls me a jackleg carpenter1 sah4 ,what is a jackleg carpenter8 ,he is a carpenter who is not a first-class carpenter1 sah4 ,well1 explain fully what you understand a jackleg carpenter to be1 insisted the lawyer4 ,boss1 ,i declare ,i dunno how ter splain any mo' 'cept to say hit am jes' the same difference 'twixt you an' a fust-class lawyer4 #hf4 ,,sixty-,,cent ,,nap ,on board a train in the ,west an eccentric preacher wanted a sleeping-berth1 but had only sixty cents1 while the lowest price was a dollar4 ,naturally he did not get on very fast with the porter2 but after wearing out the patience of that functionary in vain efforts to stretch the sixty cents1 the conductor was sent for4 ,all proposals to borrow1 to pledge an old ,waterbury watch1 and other financial expedients failed2 but the circle was squared when the preacher said1 ,i'll lie down1 and when ,i have slept sixty cents worth1 you send that bed-shaker to rout me out4 ,the procession started for the sleeper amid the hilarity of the passengers1 but the tradition is that he slept the whole night through and far into the morning4 #hg4 ,,preferred ,,to ,,walk ,a great traveler once found himself on the shore of the ,sea of ,galilee4 ,he was at once beset by boatmen1 who wanted to take him out to sail on the waters where ,christ had walked4 ,he yielded to their importunities1 and returned to the shore in about an hour4 ,but his devout meditations were greatly disturbed when he was told that the charge was #aj4 ,with energy he declared that it was robbery1 that it was not worth so much to sail all over their little lake1 and demanded1 ,what makes you charge so dreadfully8 ,why1 said the innocent boatman1 because dese ese de lake were de ,saviour walked on de water4 ,walked6 walked6 did ,he8 ,well1 if the boatmen of that day charged as you fellows do1 ,i should think ,he would walk4 #hh4 ,,horace ,,greeley',s ,,joke ,on one occasion a person1 who wished to have a little fun at the expense of his constituency1 said in a group where ,horace ,greeley was standing3 ,mr4 ,greeley and ,i1 gentlemen1 are old friends4 ,we have drunk a good deal of brandy and water together4 ,yes1 said ,mr4 ,greeley1 that is true enough4 ,you drank the brandy1 and ,i drank the water4 #hi4 ,,doctors ,,and ,,deadheads ,fifty years ago the principal avenue of ,detroit had a toll-gate close to the entrance of the ,elmwood ,cemetery road4 ,as this cemetery had been laid out some time previous to the construction of the plank road1 it was arranged that all funeral processions should be allowed to pass along the latter toll-free4 ,one day as a well-known physician stopped to pay his toll1 he observed to the gate-keeper3 ,considering the benevolent character of our profession1 ,i think you ought to let physicians pass free of charge4 ,no1 no1 doctor1 replied the man2 we can't afford that4 ,you send too many 'deadheads' through here as it is4 ,the story traveled1 and the two words became associated4 #ij4 ,,booming ,a ,,town ,they tell a story of a man who came into ,omaha one day1 and wanted to trade his farm for some city lots4 ,all right1 replied the real-estate agent1 get into my buggy1 and ,i'll drive you out to see some of the finest residence sites in the world--water1 sewers1 paved streets1 cement sidewalks1 electric light1 shade trees1 and all that sort of thing1 and away they drove four or five miles into the country4 ,the real-estate agent expatiated upon the beauty of the surroundings1 the value of the improvements made and projected1 the convenience of the location1 the ease and speed with which people who lived there could reach town1 and the certainty of an active demand for such lots in the immediate future4 ,then1 when he was breathless1 he turned to his companion1 and asked3 ,where's your farm8 ,we passed it coming out here1 was the reply4 ,it's about two miles nearer town4 #ia4 ,,athletic ,,nurse ,young ,wife--,why1 dear1 you were the stroke oar at college1 weren't you8 ,young ,husband--,yes1 love4 ,and a prominent member of the gymnastic class8 ,i was leader4 ,and quite a hand at all athletic exercises8 ,quite a hand8 ,my gracious6 ,i was champion walker1 the best runner1 the head man at lifting heavy weights1 and as for carrying--why1 ,i could shoulder a barrel of flour and-- ,well1 love1 just please carry the baby for a couple of hours1 ,i'm tired4 #ib4 ,,too ,,premature ,anything rather premature may be illustrated by the following3 ,a spring bird that had taken time by the forelock flew across the lawn near this city one day last week4 ,his probable fate is best described in this pathetic verse1 author unknown3 ,the first bird of spring ,essayed for to sing2 ,but ere he had uttered a note ,he fell from the limb1 ,a dead bird was him1 ,the music had friz in his throat4 #ic4 ,a ,,bewildered ,,irishman ,the poet ,shelley tells an amusing story of the influence that language hard to be understood exercises on the vulgar mind4 ,walking near ,covent ,garden1 ,london1 he accidentally jostled against an ,irish navvy1 who1 being in a quarrelsome mood1 seemed inclined to attack the poet4 ,a crowd of ragged sympathizers began to gather1 when ,shelley1 calmly facing them1 deliberately pronounced3 ,i have put my hand into the hamper1 ,i have looked on the sacred barley1 ,i have eaten out of the drum4 ,i have drunk and am well pleased4 ,i have said1 ',knox ,ompax1' and it is finished4 ,the effect was magical1 the astonished ,irishman fell back2 his friends began to question him4 ,what barley8 ,where's the hamper8 ,what have you been drinking8 and ,shelley walked away unmolested4 #id4 ,,obeying ,,orders ,when ,general ,sickles1 after the second battle of ,bull ,run1 assumed command of a division of the ,army of the ,potomac1 he gave an elaborate farewell dinner to the officers of his old ,excelsior ,brigade4 ,now1 boys1 we will have a family gathering1 he said to them1 as they assembled in his quarters4 ,pointing to the table1 he continued3 ,treat it as you would the enemy4 ,as the feast ended1 an ,irish officer was discovered by ,sickles in the act of stowing away three bottles of champagne in his saddle-bags4 ,what are you doing1 sir1 gasped the astonished ,general4 ,obeying orders1 sir1 replied the captain1 in a firm voice3 ,you told us to treat the dinner as we would the enemy1 and you know1 ,general1 what we can't kill we capture4 #ie4 ,a ,,speech ,,from ,,the ,,rear ,,platform ,an ,irish street-car conductor called out shrilly to the passengers standing in the aisle3 ,will thim in front plaze to move up1 so that thim behind can take the places of thim in front1 an' lave room for thim who are nayther in front nor behind8 #if4 ,a ,,way ,,out ,,of ,,it ,what's the matter with you1 asked a gentleman of a friend whom he met4 ,you looked puzzled and worried4 ,i am1 said the friend4 ,maybe you can help me out ,well1 what is it8 ,i am subject at intervals1 said the friend1 to the wildest craving for beefsteak and onions4 ,it has all the characteristics of a confirmed drunkard's craving for rum4 ,this desire came upon me a few minutes ago1 and ,i determined to gratify it4 ,then suddenly ,i remembered that ,i had promised to call this evening on some ladies1 and ,i must keep that promise4 ,yet my stomach is shouting for beefsteak and onions1 and ,i am wavering between duty and appetite4 ,can't you wait until after the call8 asked the gentleman1 solicitously4 ,never1 said the friend1 earnestly4 ,can't you postpone the call8 ,impossible1 declared the friend4 ,well1 said the gentleman1 ,i'll tell you what to do3 go to ,john ,chamberlin's caf2 order your beefsteak and onions1 and eat them4 ,when you get your bill it will be so big that it will quite take your breath away4 #ig4 ,,the ,,extent ,,of ,,science ,and now1 said the learned lecturer on geology who had addressed a small but deeply attentive audience at the village hall1 ,i have tried to make these problems1 abstruse as they may appear1 and involving in their solution the best thoughts1 the closest analysis1 and the most profound investigations of our noblest scientific men for many years2 ,i have tried1 ,i say1 to make them seem comparatively simple and easily understood1 in the light of modern knowledge4 ,before ,i close this lecture ,i shall be glad to answer any questions that may occur to you as to points that appear to need clearing up or that may have been overlooked4 ,there was a silence of a few moments1 and then an anxious-looking man in the rear of the hall rose up4 ,i would take it as a favor1 he said1 if you could tell me whether science has produced as yet any reliable and certain cure for warts4 #ih4 ,,what',s ,,in ,a ,,name8 ,one of the managers of a home for destitute colored children tells a funny story about the institution4 ,she went out there to see how things were getting along1 and found a youngster as black as the inside of a coal mine tied to a bed-post1 with his hands behind him4 ,what is that boy tied up there for8 she demanded of the attendant4 ,for lying1 ma'am4 ,he is the worstist1 lyingest nigger ,i ever seen4 ,what's his name8 ,george ,washington1 ma'am1 was the paralyzing reply4 #ii4 ,,still ,,room ,,for ,,research ,what is this new substance ,i hear so much about8 asked the eminent scientist's wife4 ,what new substance1 my dear8 ,the element in the air that has just been detected4 ,oh6 that1 my dear1 he answered1 beaming over his spectacles with the good nature of superior wisdom1 is known as argon6 ,oh6 ,yes2 its discovery is one of the most remarkable triumphs of the age4 ,it has revolutionized some of the old theories1 or at least it will revolutionize them before it gets through4 ,what is it8 ,it's--er--a--did you say1 what is it8 ,i said that4 ,well--ahem--you see1 we haven't as yet discovered much about it except its name4 #ajj4 ,,he ,,was ',,piscopal ,an ,episcopal clergyman passing his vacation in ,indiana met an old farmer who declared that he was a ',piscopal4 ,to what parish do you belong8 asked the clergyman4 ,don't know nawthin' 'bout enny parish1 was the answer4 ,well1 then1 continued the clergyman1 what diocese do you belong to8 ,they ain't nawthin' like that 'round here1 said the farmer4 ,who confirmed you1 then8 was the next question4 ,nobody1 answered the farmer4 ,then how are you an ,episcopalian8 asked the clergyman4 ,well1 was the reply1 you see it's this way3 ,last winter ,i went down to ,arkansas visitin'1 and while ,i was there ,i went to church1 and it was called ',piscopal1 and ,i he'rd them say 'that they left undone the things what they'd oughter done and they had done some things what they oughten done1' and ,i says to myself1 says ,i3 ',that's my fix exac'ly1 and ever since ,i considered myself a ',piscopalian4 ,the clergyman shook the old fellow's hand1 and laughingly said3 ,now ,i understand1 my friend1 why the membership of our church is so large4 #aja4 ,,johnny',s ,,excuse ,a little girl brought a note to her school-teacher one morning1 which read as follows4 ,dear teacher1 please excuse ,johnny for not coming to school today4 ,he is dead4 ,johnny was excused4