,the ,works of the ,rev4 ,john ,wesley1 ,m4,a4 ,transcriber's ,notes ,punctuation has been standardized4 ,most of the non-common abbreviations used to save space in printing have been expanded to the non-abbreviated form for easier reading4 ,the author has used an asterisk 7997 to indicate passages he considers most worthy of attention4 ,the text is very inconsistent in its usage of quotation marks4 ,the transcriber has attempted to make their use consistent throughout this work for improved readability4 ,characters in small caps have been replaced by all caps4 ,non-printable characteristics have been given the following ,italic text3 -- text emphasized text within italics -- text ,this book was written in a period when many words had not become standardized in their spelling4 ,words may have multiple spelling variations or inconsistent hyphenation in the text4 ,these have been left unchanged unless indicated with a ,transcriber's ,note4 ,the symbol #8' indicates the description in parenthesis has been added to an illustration4 ,this may be needed if there is no caption or if the caption does not describe the image adequately4 ,footnotes are identified in the text with a superscript number and are shown immediately below the paragraph in which they appear4 ,transcriber's ,notes are used when making corrections to the text or to provide additional information for the modern reader4 ,these notes are identified by symbols in the text and are shown immediately below the paragraph in which they appear4 ,,the ,,works ,,of ,,the ,rev4 ,,john ,,wesley1 ,m4,a4 ,late ,fellow of ,lincoln-,college1 ,,oxford4 ,,volume ,,xii4 ,,bristol3 ,printed by ,,william ,,pine1 in ,wine-,street4 ,,mdcclxxii4 ,,the ,,contents ,of the ,,twelfth ,,volume4 ,an ,extract of the ,life and ,death of ,thomas ,walsh4 ,,part ,,iii4 ,chapter ,,iv4 ,of his last sickness4 ,an ,extract of the ,life of the late ,rev4 ,mr4 ,david ,brainerd4 ,part ,i4 ,from his birth to the time when he began to devote himself to the study of divinity4 ,part ,,ii4 ,from the time that he began to devote himself to the study of divinity1 till he was examined and licensed to preach4 ,part ,,iii4 ,from the time of his being licensed to preach1 till he was appointed missionary to the ,indians4 ,part ,,iv4 ,from the time of his being appointed missionary1 to his entrance on his mission among the ,indians at ,kaunaumeek4 ,part ,v4 ,from his first beginning to instruct the ,indians at ,kaunaumeek1 to his ordination4 ,part ,,vi4 ,from his ordination1 till he began to preach to the ,indians at ,crosweeksung4 ,part ,,vii4 ,from his first beginning to preach to the ,indians at ,crosweeksung1 till he returned from his last journey to ,susquahannah4 ,part ,,viii4 ,after his return from his last journey to ,susquahannah1 until his death4 ,illustration3 7 decoration7 ,an ,,extract of the ,,life ,,and ,,death ,,of ,,thomas ,,walsh4 ,,part ,,iii4 ,,chapter ,,iv4 ,of his last sickness and death4 ,,his state of body in general 7as has been related7 was that of a lingering death1 which however1 being interspersed with intervals of comparative health and strength1 admitted of his still going on1 in the work of his calling4 ,but by his last sickness is meant1 that degree of disease1 which admitted of no such interval2 and at last took him off entirely1 from all mental or bodily labour1 and ended in his removal hence4 ,this his last illness may be dated from ,february #bd1 #ageh1 a few days after his arrival at ,bristol1 in his way to ,ireland4 ,after preaching twice as usual1 and studying hard all day1 he was seized with violent pains in his head1 and in all his bones4 ,he however rose the next morning at his usual time1 and preached2 retiring afterwards to his daily exercises2 but still feeling the pressure of the disorder1 8,my body says he1 trembled with weakness1 but my soul was happy in ,god60 ,he avoided yielding to his pains1 and proceeded in his ,lord's work as usual1 for several days3 till at length he was constrained to take his bed4 ,here he was confined for several days2 and taking exact notice1 7as his disorder admitted7 of the state of his heart1 according to his constant custom1 and growing something better1 he wrote from the fulness of his heart his state and sentiments as follows1 8,saturday ,march #d4 7,the day he took his bed7 good is thy will ,o ,lord4 ,thy counsels of old are faithfulness and truth4 ,thou reignest in righteousness2 though no man can know love or hatred1 by all that is before him1 ,ecclesiastes ix4 ,thou givest account of thy ways to none2 but assurest the righteous1 that it shall be well with him2 and that thy corrections are with this design1 that we may partake of thy holiness4 ,i am in thy hands1 ,o my ,god3 work thy perfect will in me1 and sustain me in this trial4 ,i call upon thee in the day of trouble2 and believe thou wilt deliver me1 and that ,i shall glorify thee1 and praise thee yet more and more4 ,thus 7as he concludes7 ,i went to bed very ill1 and happy4 8,sunday #e4 ,my illness continued and encreased4 ,i had not much consolation1 but was graciously preserved from buffetings4 ,monday #f4 ,continued in soul as yesterday only with more examination4 ,tuesday #g4 ,i had scarcely any alteration in body or soul4 ,i cried to ,god1 and he heard me2 but the sweet and usual returns of prayer were not4 ,wednesday #h4 ,god gave me to weep much for the sins of my whole life4 ,thursday #i4 ,my pains and pleasures1 corporal and spiritual1 were as the day before4 ,friday #aj4 ,i had more consolation of soul4 ,saturday #aa4 ,the spirit of prayer was plentifully imparted to me3 ,i could plead the mercies1 and promises1 and merits of ,god my ,saviour1 and his love and joy were more plentifully poured into my soul4 ,sunday #ab4 ,i had gracious intimations of the good will of ,god towards me in this sickness4 8,monday #ac4 ,i was able to read and pray1 and advise friends to love ,god and seek him in good earnest1 while they had strength4 ,tuesday #ad4 ,i was better still1 and prayed for the increase of holy love in the children of ,god1 and for the propagation of the faith in all nations40 ,besides this daily minuting down the state of his soul1 he on a general review 7as was his constant manner on these occasions7 of the whole1 has1 among several other particulars1 the following observations1 998,i had a constant witness from the ,holy ,ghost1 that ,i was a child of ,god4 ,however1 the sins of my whole life were brought to my remembrance2 particularly those of my heart2 the manifold backslidings known only to ,god4 ,for altho' ,god preserved me from falling even once1 into those sins1 in which ,i lived in the days of my ignorance2 nevertheless ,i saw my pride1 desire1 self-will1 self-indulgence1 levity1 and misspending time4 ,i may add to these1 my want of love to ,god1 charity to my neighbour1 and more serious concern for my own soul4 ,i saw how wonderfully the ,lord had dealt with me1 raising me from the dust1 and giving me so many and invaluable blessings2 so that ,i ought1 more than all men1 to serve and love him40 ,so severe a judge was he of himself1 while in the judgment of all who knew his manner of life1 he was exemplarily remarkable for the direct contrary4 ,but 8the highest flames 7to use the words of the great1 and pious bishop ,taylor7 are the most tremulous2 and so the most holy and eminent religious persons1 are more full of awfulness1 and fear1 and modesty1 and humility4 ,and it is a sure rule1 that whatsoever heights of piety1 union or familiarity1 any man pretends to1 it is of the devil1 unless the greater also be the humility of the man40 8,i was moreover deeply convinced how possible1 yea easy it is1 for a person after having received great light1 love1 power1 and joy1 to fall notwithstanding1 into a certain dulness of soul2 and that holy desires1 vehement thirstings after ,god1 and the spirit of prayer1 may be lessened1 and lost4 ,truly we can keep nothing unless the ,holy ,ghost help our infirmities continually4 998,but the grand lesson of all which in this little interval ,i learned was1 the absolute necessity of being free from persons1 things1 and places4 ,i saw what a tendency the soul has to rest in something beside ,god2 ,i saw that even when we give up our beloved sins1 and all temporal things1 we are nevertheless apt to rest in the gifts and graces of ,god2 making them as it were our ,saviour1 and comforter instead of ,christ40 998,i saw farther1 how deeply the love of life and learning had been rooted in my heart3 and that ,god saw it necessary to correct me often1 to shew me the vanity of both40 998,i believe he is resolved to save my soul to the uttermost2 and he uses various ways to accomplish this end4 ,i believe this sickness will be of great service to my soul1 and perhaps of more use to the children of ,god1 than my labours could be4 ,my desire is only to live wholly to him1 and to get more of the love and life of ,christ4 ,lord look upon me1 a weak and unconstant man1 and strengthen1 and establish my heart with thy love4 8,in exhorting the believers1 ,i found much of divine consolation4 ,o how sweet were these two hours2 and how short6 ,love is a wonderful thing40 ,sunday #bf4 ,i was in a high fever1 yet when ,i got with the family1 ,i forgot my pain1 while we conversed of the love of ,god4 ,it being ,easter-day1 ,i examined what ,i had gained since last ,easter8 ,and ,i trust ,god has given me more humility1 patience1 and likeness to himself40 ,he was detained at ,bristol1 thro' his illness1 longer than he had intended2 and was but slightly recovered1 when he was told of a ship1 just ready to sail for ,cork4 ,being resolved on the journey1 and willing to embrace the very first opportunity1 weak as he was1 he embarked at ,pill on the #acth of ,april4 ,the passage was extremely dangerous2 insomuch1 that the mariners themselves1 looked for nothing less than perishing1 so boisterous were the winds and the seas4 ,but see the blessedness of being true believers in ,christ6 99,tho' they expected every moment to go to the bottom of the great deep2 8,yet ,god1 says he1 gave me more faith1 and patience1 and joy1 than ever ,i felt before4 ,i could not see death terrible to me4 ,i prayed1 and praised ,god incessantly2 for sleep ,i could not an hour while on board2 and neither could ,i eat4 ,but ,christ was with me in all1 and supported me4 ,i pleaded with the ,lord in behalf of the passengers1 beseeching him that he would not take them away in their sins4 ,they cried out vehemently1 #8,we are not fit to die6' ,on their account ,i did not desire to sleep2 ,i cried aloud to ,god in prayer in the cabbin2 and they gladly attended then4 ,on ,saturday the wind abated1 and the next day we landed safe in ,cork40 8extremly0 replaced with 8extremely0 99,on my hearing of his arrival 7being then in the county1 and it being many months1 since we parted at ,london7 ,i hastened to see him2 and can never forget the idea1 which the first sight of him gave me1 of a man in deep fellowship with ,god4 ,on my opening his room door1 and just appearing1 he got up from his chair1 being in deep contemplation1 and with a spirit and countenance1 composed and solemn as the grave1 he said with a low voice1 #8,god bless you4' ,we embraced each other with tears2 after which kneeling down1 he prayed1 as to a present ,god indeed6 with such melting and moving expressions1 and with such reverential confidence1 as surpassed all that ,i had known and admired in him before2 and plainly discovered his having entered since we parted1 much further into the holiest1 by the blood of ,,jesus4 99,during the time he stayed here1 ,i was a daily witness of his manner of life2 and saw with much concern1 his swift approaching end4 ,he had most of the symptoms of a consumption1 in its last stage3 which increased upon him every day4 ,the silver cords of life began to loosen1 and the golden bowl1 the whole of this wonderful1 and curiously wrought machine1 to be broken4 ,he had an intermitting fever1 which returned regularly every day about eleven o'clock2 an habitual cough1 and most profuse night-sweats2 all which had now so emaciated and weakened him1 that the marks of death already appeared upon him4 ,and yet notwithstanding this1 he still so desired to discourse of the things of eternity1 that1 while he was at all able to stand1 or speak1 he could not be dissuaded from preaching3 and altho' he brought into the pulpit the very image of death upon his face1 so that it could hardly be expected he should speak ten minutes2 he has nevertheless preached a full hour1 to the astonishment of all who heard him4 ,one would have thought he must have dropt down dead immediately after4 ,his internal state1 still the object of his close attention1 during his continuance at ,cork1 where there is reason to believe he began first1 to think1 this sickness would be unto death1 he summarily expresses thus4 998,saturday ,april #bi4 ,my soul truly waiteth upon ,god4 ,my body feels pain and weakness2 but my soul enjoys the living fire of the ,holy ,ghost6 ,oh1 may ,i die the death of the righteous3 and let my last end be like his6 ,i wait for thy salvation1 ,o ,lord6 ,weak ,i am1 but cannot be moved while ,jesus is my strength4 ,o that every pain may but increase my love to ,god6 ,i am supported by the fire within1 and by believing that ,jesus is at the right-hand of ,god40 ,the time being come which he had appointed for leaving ,cork1 and going on to ,limerick2 being attended by his own brother3 another friend and ,i1 accompanied him a dozen miles on the way4 ,at the inn where we stopped1 he discoursed to us at dinner1 of the things pertaining to the life of a ,christian1 respecting particular instances of conduct2 but his weakness prevented him saying as much as we could have desired4 99,i shall never forget our parting6 ,the other persons being gone down stairs1 after he had said some particular things to me1 we kneeled down1 and prayed together1 for the last time6 ,we then took our final farewell of each other in this world6 ,he went on his way1 and ,i went mine2 each of us expecting to meet no more1 till we met in happier climes1 and in a better world6 99,i do not find1 that from this time1 he kept any further account in writing1 of the daily state of his soul2 owing1 ,i am inclined to think1 to the violence of his disorder1 which increased now1 almost every hour2 and which weakened and impaired the faculties of his mind1 as well as the strength of his body4 ,hence1 beholding things thro' so defective a medium1 he became in reality1 an unfit judge of his own state4 ,the influence which this kind of disorder in particular1 frequently has upon the powers of the mind1 is well known1 even to the representing things which concern one's self1 and others1 often directly contrary to what they really are4 ,he had the judgment and advice of the best physicians1 wherever he came2 who on the slightest intimation1 offered their assistance with all chearfulness1 neither expecting nor desiring any other gratuity than1 7as one of them once expressed7 8the prayers of ,mr4 ,walsh40 ,they generally agreed1 that his disorder was brought on thro' excessive labourfrequent1 and loud preaching1 intense application to study1 want of proper1 and sufficient rest3 and fatigue in general4 ,they likewise judged1 that his case was now past all remedy4 99,it was however judged advisable1 that he should be removed from ,limerick1 to the more free and open air of the country4 ,he went thither accordingly1 where he had the tenderest and most affectionate attendance1 with whatsoever was judged most proper to alleviate the rigour of the disease1 and restore him1 if ,god should so please1 to health4 ,but it was now too late6 ,and his friends perceiving1 that neither air nor physic availed any thing1 they according to his own inclination and desire1 removed him to ,dublin4 ,his next remove1 was to the city of the great ,king1 the paradise of ,god6 ,concerning the state of his soul1 for a few months before his death1 as he wrote nothing on the head during that time1 we can speak with less certainty1 than of what has been already related4 ,and embarking for ,england soon after we parted1 ,i neither saw nor heard1 any thing particularly concerning him1 till a letter brought the tidings of his being no more in this world4 ,but from the accounts of persons of undoubted veracity1 who attended him during that time1 we learn1 that his state was not indeed joyous1 but grievous4 99,he drank of his ,lord's cup of sorrow1 and was in truth deeply1 baptized with his baptism4 ,he was immerged in affliction's furnace and plunged in the deepest waters4 8,his flesh chastized1 with tort'ring pain ,his soul1 and sickness clave his bones2 ,keen anguish dwelt in ev'ry vein1 ,and sadly turn'd his breath to moans4 ,sorrow was all his soul2 he scarce perceiv'd1 ,but by the pains he suffer'd1 that he liv'd60 ,he was tempted1 and sorely buffeted of the devil4 ,the nature of his disorder exposed him to a degree of precipitancy1 and discomposure1 which he was more than superior to1 while in better health4 ,in short1 so did the wisdom of ,god permit1 that thro' the malice of ,satan1 the extreme violence of his disorder1 and the concurrence of several other circumstances1 this servant of ,god1 was brought to the utmost extremity of spiritual distress and anguish1 consistent with keeping the faith3 insomuch that it was but few degrees removed from despair4 8,his agonizing soul sweat blood6 ,with ,christ he fainted on the tree1 ,and cry'd in death1 #8,my ,god1 my ,god1 ,ah6 ,why hast thou forsaken me8'0 99,his great soul lay thus1 as it were in ruins1 for some considerable time2 and poured out many a heavy groan1 and speechless tear1 from an oppressive heart1 and dying body4 ,he sadly bewailed the absence of him1 whose wonted presence had so often given him the victory1 over the manifold contradictions and troubles1 which he endured for his name-sake4 ,a heart so sensible of the visits of its ,lord1 and so restless at his smallest absence1 as his was throughout his warfare1 must needs be deeply afflicted when left1 seemingly to its own poverty1 and surrounded as it were with hosts of infernal fiends1 seeking to devour him4 ,the intervals which he had of cessation from the extremity of the conflict1 and of comparatively quiet confidence in ,god1 are not perhaps so well known3 but that he had such1 may well be supposed2 for otherwise his soul and flesh must needs have failed before ,god4 ,it was however not till a short time before his complete and eternal deliverance1 that his ,lord appeared to his help3 and by making himself known1 as ,jesus1 his well known ,saviour1 entirely eased the anguish of his oppressed soul6 ,the beams of his brightness dispersed the clouds3 and the smiles of his countenance more than compensated for all his night of sorrow4 ,he spoke and said unto him1 ,the winter is passed2 arise my love and come away6 99,the manner of his deliverance was as follows4 ,a few friends being at prayer with him1 on ,sunday evening2 as soon as they concluded1 he desired to be left alone1 in order1 as he said1 8to meditate a little40 ,they withdrew2 and he remained deeply recollected for some time3 just then1 ,god1 dropping into his soul1 no doubt1 some lively foretaste of the joys to come1 and spreading the day of eternity thro' the regions of his inward man2 he burst out in transport1 and pronounced1 in a dying voice indeed1 but with the joy of angels68,he is come6,he is come6,my beloved is mine1 and ,i am his6,his for ever60 ,and uttering these words1 he sweetly breathed out his soul into the arms of his beloved2 on the #hth day of ,april #agei1 and in the #bhth year of his age4 ,the ,,conclusion4 ,,we cannot sufficiently admire and adore1 the unsearchable counsels1 and impenetrable secrets of ,god our ,saviour1 with respect to the management of his kingdom1 and the disposal of his servants4 ,two reflections are natural1 on considering the preceding account in general4 99#a4 ,to see a man delivered from the blindness of error and superstition1 and brought into the light and enjoyment of truth2 the knowledge of the true ,god and of his spiritual worshipto see him brought out from the obscurity of retirement1 and that by the remarkable interposition of divine providence1 in order to spread the savour of the knowledge of ,god1 among mankind1 in the most public mannerto consider him as singularly fitted for this1 by knowledge1 by the word of truth1 dwelling richly in him2 by purity1 by zeal for ,god's glory1 by the armour of righteousness1 and by the power of ,god1 attending his word,to see such an one cut off from among men1 in the prime of life1 just fully furnished for promoting the kingdom of the ,son of ,god1 to which he was entirely devoted1 is a thing which will be acknowledged to confound human understanding4 ,without entring deeply into the matter1 one may easily learn herefrom1 at least a confirmation of that weighty truth1 that ,god is not worshipped1 or served by mens hands1 as tho' he needed any person or thing4 ,he leaves no one any room to say or think within themselves1 that the cause and glory of ,god needed them1 or at least had some connexion with our standing or being removed4 ,he is at no time at a loss how to serve his own glory1 and the necessities of his creatures4 ,hereby moreover he would stain the pride of human glory2 and teach us1 what can never be too fully learned1 to walk humbly with our ,god2 not to judge according to appearances2 and to learn to conceive of things and persons1 not according to bare human estimation1 but according to the will of ,god4 ,o that we may learn from every occurrence1 to fly to him1 in all our affections and desires6 ,then whenever our change comes1 we shall be welcomed by superior beings1 and not much missed by men1 who delight in novelties4 ,whatever secret reasons might be the cause of such a procedure1 in the divine disposals2 whether ingratitude1 or something bordering upon idolatry in the people1 or whatever was the cause1 certain it is1 that we need never fail to reap instruction and advantage1 from such awful providences2 the decease of our dearest friends1 since 8,for us they languish1 and for us they die60 #b4 ,but what may seem most strange is1 that a person so eminent for piety1 so laborious for ,god's glory2 so exemplarily religious1 in the whole of his conversation2 so useful to others3 in a word1 so entirely1 and unreservedly devoted to ,christ1 should in the time of his greatest necessity1 be so destitute of spiritual comfort4 ,and it must be acknowledged1 in great measure1 to be a part of those ways1 of which ,god giveth account to none4 ,his judgments are unsearchable1 and his ways past finding out4 ,his way is in the sea1 and his paths in the great waters2 and his footsteps are not known4 ,and who shall say to ,god1 8,what dost thou80 8,what ,i do thou knowest not now10 is indeed applicable to the general course of ,god's providences2 and to much of the experience of ,christians in particular2 and perhaps this is the best footing on which to rest the present case1 namely the mysterious councils of ,god1 with respect to his dealings with his servants3 with him we are considering in particular4 8judgment0 replaced with 8judgments0 ,who can account for that providence which left the life of so holy a person as ,john the ,baptist1 in such infamous hands6 ,which permitted it to be sacrificed to the malice of an abandoned harlot1 the petulancy of a vain girl1 and the rashness of a foolish1 perhaps drunken prince1 who made a prophet's head the reward of a dance8 ,the same reasoning has weight1 with respect to the treatment which he has permitted his most eminent servants in all ages to meet with4 ,it is the fixed decree of heaven1 concerning the righteous1 that through much tribulation 7outward or inward1 or both7 they must enter the kingdom of ,god4 ,and the most part of ecclesiastical story1 is in great measure no other than a comment on this great truth2 which likewise receives abundant confirmation from numberless parts of holy scripture4 ,there may be1 for ought that can be known by us1 a certain resemblance in some particulars1 between his case of whom we speak1 and that of ,job 7see chapter ii4 #cf47 ,but in both1 and indeed in all resembling instances1 the hand of the ,lord is visibly seen2 that he is pitiful1 and of tender mercy1 and afflicts his children only for their profit1 that they might partake of his holiness4 ,and we are well assured1 that he will repay his servants in another world1 for whatever they suffer in this3 even such as fill up that which is behind of the afflictions of ,christ in their flesh4 word 8of0 removed per ,errata ,as to the difficulty of reconciling with his former enjoyments1 and professions1 such a state of conflict and discomfort1 as this his last stage was accompanied with1 it may be considered1 that although it was uncommon1 yet the case is not singular3 to recite examples would be endless4 ,it is true1 that ,god has given us multiply'd and various instances1 in the last stages of his servants in most ages1 both of triumphant superiority to sickness1 pain and death in some3 of holy mourning1 deep abasement1 and patient resignation1 in others3 and there have been those likewise1 whose last sicknesses have been such times of painful purgation from human foibles1 and sore conflict from diabolical temptations1 that the utmost they have been able to do1 has been to abide in the furnace2 till patience having had its perfect work1 they just stept from the crossto the crown6 ,witnessing1 only with their parting breath1 ,victory6 ,victory6 ,and all this it is impossible to account for1 by appearances4 8sickness0 replaced with 8sicknesses0 per ,errata ,thus we hear one1 in his last sickness saying1 8,i am by the wonderful mercy of ,god1 as full of comfort as my heart can hold1 ,i feel nothing in my soul but ,christ1 with whom ,i heartily desire to be40 ,another1 8,i am like a bird upon the wing1 and would fain be at ,immanuel's land1 where the tree of life is4 ,here ,i am a weak man1 in the hands of the king of terrors1 rejoicing in hope of the glory that shall be revealed2 and that by the death and resurrection of a despised ,christ4 ,all these soft clothes are like sack cloth1 and yet ,i have perfect rest of spirit40 ,another1 8,o how does the love of ,god wipe off all pain6 ,the servants of ,god suffer nothing4 ,their trials are but for a moment2 their joys are eternal60 ,ten thousand instances of this sort might be alledged1 in the present generation 7to look no farther7,persons who throughout a course of pains and wants1 evidenced the glorious conquest which faith gives over all our enemies1 and over death1 the last of all4 8victorious0 replaced with 8glorious0 per ,errata ,there have been those on the other hand1 who after a course of useful and holy living2 of eminency in wisdom1 and in favour with ,god1 have nevertheless1 towards the setting of their sun1 wanted those joyous beams of triumphant light and life2 and who approached their seat of repose with many tears and sighs2 with shame1 and confusion1 and hopes1 and dependence2 and even at the last1 left nothing particularly memorable1 for the discourse1 and joy of the survivors2 but who notwithstanding1 have attained their wished-for port1 and enjoy the pleasures of those peaceful mansions6 ,john xiv4 #b4 ,st4 ,austin is said to have had the penitential psalms wrote in large characters1 and pinned to the inside of the curtains of his dying bed1 desiring to die as he repeated them with weeping4 ,bishop ,usher followed the same example and prayed earnestly to ,god1 to pardon his sins of omission4 8,where conflicts past1 redouble present joys60 ,diversity of complexions1 different periods of grace1 or divine dispensations2 with a thousand particulars known best to ,god1 may be taken into consideration1 in attempting to account for this difference in the divine disposals concerning his servants4 ,but ,i forbear attempting to solve1 that of which ,i am free to profess my ignorance3 and wait for that light1 which will infallibly throw full day on darkest scenes of time4 ,it may be farther observed concerning this servant of ,god1 that although his comforts had been exceeding great throughout most part of his experience1 yet he had frequent and violent encounters with the enemy3 so that sometimes we find in the same paragraph1 acknowledgments of the great joy and peace which he felt1 and complainings of grievous temptations and trials4 ,take an instance or two among a thousand1 in his own words4 8,i found in retirement sore struggles and deep consolation40 ,and again1 although love and joy lived and flowed in me1 yet ,i wept and made supplication1 being strongly tempted of the devil4 ,ah1 ,lord6 ,thou knowest my state1 and trials6 ,and my groanings are not hid from thee6 ,what conflicts with myself do ,i daily feel6 ,some are tempted most in the beginning of their conversion1 some towards the latter end1 and others there are1 who are sorely tempted throughout their whole life4 ,the latter was his case4 ,but now especially1 his natural faculties weakning in proportion to the decay of his bodily strength1 rendered him the fitter mark for ,satan1 to attack with his last and most violent assaults1 which therefore he plyed to purpose4 ,he could not however make him let go his integrity3 nor did he alter his sentiments1 concerning any point of ,christian doctrine1 or retract any thing he had formerly said relating thereto4 ,and as to the course of his most secret walking1 altho' on the whole1 he saw nothing whereof to glory in himself before ,god2 but rather was continually filled with holy shame and deep abasements1 at the disparity which he still perceived between himself and his holy ,lord2 yet there was no particular sin since his conversion1 with the cherishing of which he could charge himself4 ,to which may be added1 that in the midst of this hour and power of darkness1 he never once charged ,god foolishly2 but on the contrary he sought to him with groans1 and tears1 and cries1 without ceasing6 ,his sufferings both of body and mind were great beyond description3 but when we consider1 thus did ,god permit concerning him1 it puts to silence every doubtful1 evil reasoning on the head4 ,by constituting him a perfect sufferer1 ,god thereby1 made him the more conformable to his suffering1 conquering ,son2 that ,man of sorrows and acquainted with griefs6 ,and rendered his condition not that of a bastard1 or base-born child1 abandoned of ,god1 and rejected2 but on the contrary1 that of a beloved ,son scourged and purified by his heavenly ,father1 that he might thereby1 more eminently partake of his holiness and glory4 ,and should heaven permit his conveying to us his present sentiments1 concerning his momentary afflictions1 we should certainly hear him pronounce to this effect4 ,for all ,i bless thee2 most1 for the severe2 ,amidst my list of blessings infinite1 ,stand this the foremost1 8that my heart has bled40 ,he had hope in his end1 and therefore ceased not to cry to ,jesus1 who was with him in reality all the while1 in the furnace2 and finally appeared his friend and his beloved6 8,tryed to the last but not forsook2 ,but honour'd with distinguish'd grace1 ,heaven-ward he cast a dying look1 ,and saw once more his ,saviour's face4 #8,he's come6 ,my well-belov'd1 he said1 ,and ,i am his1 and he is mine6' ,he spake1 he gaz'd1 he bow'd his head1 ,and sunk into the arms divine60 ,on the whole1 ,i profess1 that although on my first hearing of the afflictive scene through which he passed1 ,i was more astonished than at any thing ,i ever remember to have happened to myself or others2 remaining in dumb suspense1 at what could be the cause of so unexpected a procedure8 ,nevertheless1 ,i am now inclined to consider the whole affair as an argument1 rather of his strength than the contrary4 ,his supporting at all under such extreme sufferings1 not a little demonstrates his great soul1 and nearness of conformity to ,god his ,saviour1 8,who drank in his sad days of flesh ,the potion by his ,father given2 ,and bids his members feel afresh ,the fierceness of the wrath of heaven40 ,if thou faintest1 saith ,solomon in the day of adversity1 thy strength is but small3 and by parity of reason1 to stand in a time of sore trial argues proportionable strength4 ,avert1 my ,god1 avert from my soul1 ill able to bear it1 such a time of trial6 ,o ,jesus1 by all thou hast done and suffered2 by thine agony1 and bloody sweat1 by thy cross and bitter passion1 by thy meritorious death2 thy resting in the chambers of the grave1 thy triumphant resurrection1 and ascension2 and by thy coming again in glory2 in the time of sickness1 in death1 and in judgment1 deliver my soul1 ,i beseech thee6 ,in thy fair book of life divine1 ,my ,god inscribe my name2 ,there let me fill some humble shrine1 ,beneath the slaughter'd ,lamb6 ,o might ,i with my closing eyes1 ,thee in thy bloody vesture see1 ,and cast me on thy sacrifice1 ,jesus1 my ,lord1 remember me6 8parting breath0 replaced with 8closing eyes0 per ,errata ,the thoughts of being quickly loosed from the fetters of the body1 had often filled his soul with the most sensible delights1 desiring nothing so much as to see ,god3 and the approaches of eternity did often so enflame his desires1 that he was sometimes in a degree of transport4 ,but after all that can be said on the head of this his last scene1 and indeed of the methods of ,god's providential dispensations in general1 concerning nations or individual persons1 it seems the wisest and best method to rest in that sentiment1 namely not curiously to scan them2 but rather to adore in humble silence1 his unsearchable judgments and impenetrable secrets6 ,not deeply to discern not much to know1 ,mankind was born to wonder and adore6 ,whatever is permitted to befal them in this world1 we are well assured it shall be well with the righteous4 ,all things1 whether prosperous or adverse1 shall work together for their good4 ,he that liveth forever saith1 ,i come quicklyto put a final period to the whole of mortal things1 and determine the states of all the children of ,adam for ever6 ,his reward is with him6 ,we shall see him as he is6 ,though now we see him not1 yet believing we rejoice6 ,o ,jesus1 work in our hearts that conformity to and resemblance of thyself1 that we may seek nothing1 but night and day think of1 long for1 and joyfully wait for thine appearance6 ,an ,,extract of the ,,life ,,of ,,the ,,late ,rev4 ,mr4 ,,david ,,brainerd1 ,,missionary to the ,,indians4 ,,advertisement4 ,,those parts of the following history that are included between brackets thus 1 are the words of the publisher1 ,mr4 ,jonathan ,edwards1 minister of ,northampton in ,new-,england1 for the most part summarily representing the chief things contained in ,mr4 ,brainerd's diary3 the rest is the account that he gives of himself in his private writings1 in his own words4 ,,part ,i4 ,from his birth to the time when he began to devote himself to the study of divinity4 ,,mr4 ,david ,brainerd was born ,april #bj1 #agah1 at ,haddam1 a town belonging to the county of ,hartford1 in the colony of ,connecticut1 ,new-,england4 ,his father1 who died when he was about nine years of age1 was the worshipful ,hezekiah ,brainerd1 ,esq4 one of his ,majesty's council for that colony1 and the son of ,daniel ,brainerd1 ,esq4 a justice of the peace1 and a deacon of the church in ,haddam4 ,his mother was ,mrs4 ,dorothy ,hobart1 daughter to the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,jeremiah ,hobart1 who preached awhile at ,topsfield1 and then removed to ,hempstead1 on ,long-,island1 and afterwards came and settled in the work of the ministry at ,haddam2 where he died in the #heth year of his age2 of whom it is remarkable1 that he went to the public worship in the forenoon1 and died in his chair between meetings4 8ministy0 replaced with 8ministry0 ,mr4 ,david ,brainerd was the third son of his parents4 ,they had five sons and four daughters4 ,the eldest son is ,hezekiah ,brainerd1 ,esq4 a justice of the peace1 and for several years past a representative of the town of ,haddam1 in the general assembly of ,connecticut colony2 the second was the ,rev4 ,nehemiah ,brainerd1 a worthy minister at ,eastbury in ,connecticut1 who died of a consumption ,november #aj1 #agdb2 the #dth is ,mr4 ,john ,brainerd1 who succeeds his brother ,david as missionary to the ,indians1 and pastor of the same church of ,christian ,indians in ,new-,jersey2 and the #eth was ,israel1 late student at ,yale-college in ,new-,haven1 who died since his brother ,david4,mrs4 ,dorothy ,brainerd having lived several years a widow1 died when her son ,david was about #ad years of age3 so that in his youth he was left both fatherless and motherless4 ,what account he has given of himself follows4 ,i ,,was from my youth something sober and inclined to melancholy1 but do not remember any conviction of sin1 till ,i was seven or eight years of age2 when ,i grew terrified at the thoughts of death1 but this concern was short lived4 ,however1 ,i sometimes attended secret prayer2 and thus lived at ease till ,i was above thirteen years of age4 ,but in the winter #agcb1 ,i was something roused by the prevailing of a mortal sickness in ,haddam4 ,i was frequent1 constant1 and something fervent in duties1 and took delight in reading1 especially ,mr4 ,janeway's ,token for ,children2 ,i was sometimes much melted in duties1 and took great delight in the performance of them4 ,the ,spirit of ,god at this time proceeded far with me2 ,i was remarkably dead to the world1 and my thoughts were almost wholly employed about my soul's concerns6 ,i may indeed say1 8,almost ,i was persuaded to be a ,christian40 ,i was also exceedingly distressed at the death of my mother1 in ,march1 #agcb4 ,but afterwards ,i by degrees fell back into security1 though ,i still attended to secret prayer4 ,about the #aeth of ,april #agcc1 ,i removed to ,east-,haddam1 where ,i spent four years4 ,here ,i went a round of secret duty4 ,i was not much addicted to young company3 but when ,i did go into it1 it always added new guilt to me1 and made me afraid to come to the throne of grace4 ,about the latter end of ,april #agcg1 being full nineteen1 ,i removed to ,durham1 and began to work on my farm1 and so continued till ,i was twenty years old2 tho' frequently longing after a liberal education4 ,when ,i was about twenty1 ,i applied myself to study1 and was engaged more than ever in the duties of religion4 ,i became very watchful over my thoughts1 words and actions1 because ,i designed to devote myself to the ministry4 ,some time in ,april #agch1 ,i went to ,mr4 ,fiske's1 and lived with him during his life4 ,he advised me wholly to abandon young company1 and associate myself with grave elderly people3 which counsel ,i followed2 and my manner of life was now exceeding regular4 ,i read my bible more than twice through in less than a year4 ,i spent much time every day in secret-duties2 ,i gave great attention to the word preached1 and endeavoured to retain it4 ,i agreed with some young persons to meet on sabbath-evenings for religious exercises2 and after our meeting was ended1 ,i used to repeat the discourses of the day to myself1 though sometimes it was late in the night4 ,on ,monday mornings ,i used to recollect the same sermons4 ,and ,i had sometimes considerable movings of affections in duties1 and much pleasure therein4 ,mr4 ,fiske was pastor of the church in ,haddam4 ,after ,mr4 ,fiske's death1 ,i proceeded in my learning with my brother1 and was still very constant in religious duties4 ,thus ,i proceeded on a self-righteous foundation2 and should still had not the mere mercy of ,god prevented4 ,i doubt that3 ,i believe1 this was true religion as far as it went4 ,in the beginning of winter1 #agch1 it pleased ,god one sabbath-day morning1 as ,i was walking out for secret duties1 to give me on a sudden1 such a sense of my danger1 and the wrath of ,god1 that ,i stood amazed1 and was much distressed all that day1 fearing the vengeance of ,god would soon overtake me4 ,i kept much alone1 and sometimes grudged the birds and beasts their happiness1 because they were not exposed to eternal misery1 as ,i saw ,i was4 ,and thus ,i lived from day to day1 in great distress3 sometimes there appeared mountains before me to obstruct my hopes of mercy2 ,i used1 however to pray and cry to ,god1 and perform other duties with great earnestness4 ,in ,february1 #agchi1 ,i set apart a day for secret fasting and prayer1 and spent the day in almost incessant cries to ,god1 that he would open my eyes to see the evil of sin1 and the way of life by ,jesus ,christ4 ,and ,god was pleased that day to make considerable discoveries of my heart to me1 and to shew me my helplessness4 ,i constantly strove after whatever qualifications ,i imagined others obtained before the reception of ,christ4 ,sometimes ,i felt the power of an hard heart1 and supposed it must be softened before ,christ would accept of me2 and when ,i felt any meltings of heart1 ,i hoped now the work was almost done2 and hence1 when my distress still remained1 ,i was wont to murmur at ,god's dealings with me4 99,sometimes ,i grew remiss without any great convictions for a considerable time together2 but after such a season1 convictions seized me more violently4 ,one night in particular1 when ,i was walking solitarily abroad1 ,i had such a view of my sin1 that ,i feared the ground would cleave asunder1 and send my soul quick into hell4 ,and though ,i was forced to go to bed1 lest my distress should be discovered by others2 yet ,i scarce durst sleep at all1 for ,i thought it would be a great wonder1 if ,i should be out of hell in the morning4 ,but though my distress was thus great1 yet ,i dreaded the loss of convictions1 and returning back to my former insensibility2 which made me exceeding exact in my behaviour1 lest ,i should stifle the motions of ,god's spirit4 ,the many distresses ,i met with1 put me into a most horrible contesting with the ,almighty3 with an inward vehemence1 finding fault with his ways of dealing with mankind4 ,i found great fault with the imputation of ,adam's sin to his posterity2 and my wicked heart often wished for some other way of salvation1 than by ,jesus ,christ4 ,i wished sometimes there was no ,god1 or that there were some other ,god that could controul him4 ,these thoughts frequently passed before ,i was aware2 but1 when ,i considered this1 it distressed me1 to think1 that my heart was so full of enmity against ,god2 and it made me tremble1 lest ,god's vengeance should suddenly fall upon me4 ,i used before1 to imagine my heart was not so bad1 as the scriptures represented4 ,sometimes ,i used to take much pains to bring it into an humble submissive disposition2 but on a sudden1 the thoughts of the strictness of the law1 or the sovereignty of ,god1 would so irritate the corruption of my heart1 that it would break over all bounds1 and burst forth on all sides1 like floods of waters when they break down their damm4 ,while ,i was in this distressed state1 the corruption of my heart was especially irritated by these things following1 #a4 ,the strictness of the divine law4 ,for ,i found it was impossible for me 7after my utmost pains7 to answer the demands of it4 ,i often made resolutions1 and as often broke them4 ,i imputed the whole to want of being more watchful1 and used to call myself a fool for my negligence4 ,but when1 upon a stronger resolution1 and greater endeavours1 fasting and prayer1 ,i found all attempts fail1 then ,i quarrelled with the law of ,god1 as unreasonably rigid4 ,i thought1 if it extended only to my outward actions1 ,i could bear with it2 but ,i found it condemned me for the sins of my heart1 which ,i could not possibly prevent4 ,i was extremely loath to give out1 and own my utter helplessness2 but after repeated disappointments1 thought that1 rather than perish1 ,i could do a little more still1 especially if such and such circumstances might but attend my endeavours2 ,i hoped1 that ,i should strive more earnestly than ever3 and this hope of future more favourable circumstances1 and of doing something hereafter1 kept me from utter despair of myself1 and from seeing myself fallen into the hands of ,god1 and dependent on nothing but boundless grace4 99#b4 ,another thing was1 that faith alone was the condition of salvation2 and that ,god would not come down to lower terms2 that he would not promise life and salvation upon my sincere prayers and endeavours4 ,that word1 ,mark xvi4 #af4 8,he that believeth not1 shall be damned10 cut off all hope there2 and ,i found1 faith was the gift of ,god2 that ,i could not get it of myself1 and could not oblige ,god to bestow it upon me1 by any of my performances4 8,this10 ,i was ready to say1 8is a hard saying1 who can bear it80 ,i could not bear1 that all ,i had done should stand for a mere nothing1 who had been very conscientious in duty1 and had been exceeding religious a great while1 and had 7as ,i thought7 done much more than many others that had obtained mercy4 ,i confessed indeed the vileness of my duties2 but then1 what made them at that time seem vile1 was my wandering thoughts in them2 not because ,i was all over defiled1 and the principle corrupt from whence they flowed1 so that ,i could not possibly do any thing that was good4 ,and therefore ,i called what ,i did1 by the name of faithful endeavours2 and could not bear it1 that ,god had made no promises of salvation to them4 99#c4 ,another thing was1 that ,i could not find out how to come to ,christ4 ,i read the calls of ,christ1 made to the weary and heavy laden2 but could find no way that he directed them to come in4 ,i thought ,i would gladly come1 if ,i knew how1 though the path of duty directed to what was never so difficult4 ,mr4 ,stoddard's ,guide to ,christ did not tell me any thing ,i could do1 that would bring me to ,christ1 but left me as it were with a great gulph between me and ,christ1 without any direction to get through4 ,for ,i was not yet experimentally taught1 that there could be no way prescribed1 whereby a natural man could of his own strength1 obtain that which is supernatural1 and which the highest angel cannot give4 99,all this time the ,spirit of ,god was powerfully at work with me2 and ,i was inwardly pressed to relinquish all self-confidence1 all hopes of ever helping myself by any means whatsoever2 and the conviction of my lost estate was sometimes so clear1 that it was as if it had been declared to me in so many words1 8,it is done1 it is for ever impossible to deliver yourself40 ,for about three or four days1 my soul was thus distressed1 especially at some turns1 when for a few moments ,i seemed to myself lost and undone3 but then would shrink back immediately from the sight1 because ,i dared not venture myself into the hands of ,god1 as wholly helpless4 ,i dared not see that important truth1 that ,i was dead in trespasses and sins4 ,but when ,i had thrust away these views of myself at any time1 ,i was distressed to have the same discoveries again3 for ,i greatly feared being given over of ,god to final stupidity4 ,when ,i thought of putting it off to a more convenient season1 the conviction was so powerful with regard to the present time1 that it was the best time1 and probably the only time1 that ,i dared not to put it off4 ,yet my soul shrank away from it2 ,i could see no safety in throwing myself into the hands of ,god1 and that ,i could lay no claim to any thing better than damnation4 99,but after a considerable time spent in such distresses1 one morning1 while ,i was walking in a solitary place1 as usual1 ,i at once saw that all my contrivances to procure salvation for myself1 were utterly in vain3 ,i was brought quite to a stand as finding myself totally lost4 ,i had thought many times1 that the difficulties were very great2 but now ,i saw1 that it was for ever impossible for me to do any thing towards delivering myself4 ,i then blamed myself1 that ,i had not done more1 while ,i had opportunity2 7for it seemed now as if the season of doing was for ever over and gone47 ,but ,i instantly saw1 that let me have done what ,i would1 it would no more have tended to my helping myself1 than what ,i had done2 that ,i had made all the pleas ,i ever could have made to all eternity2 and that all my pleas were vain4 ,the tumult that had been before in my mind1 was now quieted2 and ,i was something eased of that distress1 which ,i felt1 while struggling against a sight of myself4 ,i had the greatest certainty that my state was forever miserable1 for all that ,i could do3 and was astonished that ,i had never been sensible of it before4 ,while ,i remained in this state1 my notions respecting my duties1 were quite different from what ,i had ever entertained in times past4 ,now ,i saw1 there was no necessary connection between my prayers and the divine mercy3 that they laid not the least obligation upon ,god to bestow his grace upon me2 and that there was no more goodness in them1 than there would be in my paddling with my hand in the water2 and this because they were not performed from any love to ,god4 ,i saw that ,i had heaped up my devotions before ,god1 fasting1 praying1 c4 really thinking ,i was aiming at the glory of ,god2 whereas ,i never once truly intended it4 ,i doubt that4 ,i continued in this state of mind from ,friday morning till the sabbath-evening following1 ,july #ab1 #agci1 when ,i was walking again in the same solitary place1 and attempting to pray1 but found no heart to engage in that or any other duty4 ,having been thus endeavouring to pray for near half an hour1 7and by this time the sun was about half an hour high7 as ,i was walking in a dark thick grove1 unspeakable glory opened to the view of my soul3 ,i do not mean any external brightness1 but a new inward apprehension or view that ,i had of ,god1 such as ,i never had before4 ,i stood still and admired6 ,i had never seen before any thing comparable to it for excellency and beauty2 it was widely different from all the conceptions that ever ,i had of ,god1 or things divine4 ,i had no particular apprehension of any one person in the ,trinity1 either the ,father1 the ,son1 or the ,holy ,ghost2 but it appeared to be divine glory that ,i then beheld2 and my soul rejoiced with joy unspeakable1 to see such a ,god1 such a glorious divine being2 and ,i was inwardly pleased and satisfied1 that he should be ,god over all for ever and ever4 ,my soul was so captivated and delighted with the excellency1 loveliness1 greatness1 and other perfections of ,god1 that ,i was even swallowed up in him1 so that at first1 ,i scarce reflected there was such a creature as myself4 8rerejoiced0 replaced with 8rejoiced0 ,thus ,god1 brought me to a hearty disposition to exalt him1 and to aim at his glory1 as ,king of the universe4 ,i continued in this state till near dark1 without any sensible abatement2 and then began to think what ,i had seen2 and was sweetly composed all the evening following4 ,i felt myself in a new world1 and every thing about me appeared with a different aspect from what it was wont to do4 99,at this time the way of salvation opened to me with such infinite wisdom and excellency1 that ,i wondered ,i should ever think of any other way of salvation2 was amazed1 that ,i had not dropped my own contrivances1 and complied with this excellent way before4 ,if ,i could have been saved by my own duties1 or any other way that ,i had formerly contrived1 my whole soul would now have refused4 ,i wondered1 that the whole world did not see and comply with this way of salvation1 entirely by the merits of ,christ4 ,the sweet relish of what ,i then felt1 continued with me for several days1 in a greater or less degree2 ,i could not but sweetly rejoice in ,god1 lying down or rising up4 ,the next ,lord's day ,i felt something of the same kind1 though not so powerful4 ,but not long after1 was again under great distress2 yet not of the same kind with my distress under convictions4 ,i was afraid and ashamed to come before ,god2 was exceedingly pressed with a sense of guilt3 but it was not long before ,i felt true repentance and joy in ,god4 ,in the beginning of ,september ,i went to college1 and entered there2 but with some degree of reluctance1 fearing lest ,i should not be able to lead a life of strict religion1 in the midst of so many temptations4 ,after this1 before1 ,i went to tarry at college1 it pleased ,god to visit my soul with clearer manifestations of himself in prayer and self-examination2 and the ,lord so shined into my heart1 that ,i enjoyed full assurance of his favour2 and my soul was unspeakably refreshed4 ,at this time especially1 as well as some others1 sundry passages of ,god's word opened to my soul with divine clearness1 power and sweetness1 so as to appear exceeding precious1 and with clear and certain evidence of its being the word of ,god4 ,i enjoyed considerable sweetness in religion all the winter following4 ,yale college1 in ,new-haven4 8religon0 replaced with 8religion0 ,in ,january #agcidj1 the measles spread much in college2 and ,i having taken the distemper1 went home to ,haddam4 ,for some days before ,i was taken sick1 my soul mourned the absence of the ,comforter3 it seemed to me1 all comfort was gone2 ,i cried to ,god1 yet found no relief4 ,but a night or two before ,i was taken ill1 while ,i was walking alone1 engaged in meditation and prayer1 ,i enjoyed a sweet1 refreshing visit from above1 so that my soul was raised far above the fears of death2 ,o how much more refreshing this one season was than all the pleasures earth can afford6 ,after a day or two ,i was taken with the measles1 and almost despaired of life2 but had no distressing fears of death4 ,however1 ,i soon recovered3 yet by reason of hard studies1 ,i had little time for spiritual duties2 my soul often mourned for want of more time and opportunity to be alone with ,god4 ,in the spring and summer following1 ,i had better advantage for retirement and enjoyed more comfort3 indeed my ambition in my studies greatly wronged the vigour of my spiritual life3 yet 8in the multitude of my thoughts within me1 ,god's comforts delighted my soul40 ,one day in particular1 7,june #agdj7 ,i walked in the fields alone1 and found such unspeakable sweetness in ,god1 that ,i thought1 if ,i must continue still in this evil world1 ,i wanted always to be there to behold ,god's glory3 my soul dearly loved all mankind1 and longed exceedingly that they should enjoy what ,i enjoyed4,it seemed to be a little resemblance of heaven4 ,in ,august following1 ,i became so disordered1 by too close application to my studies1 that ,i was advised to go home1 and disengage my mind from study1 for ,i began to spit blood4 ,i took advice1 but being brought very low1 ,i looked death in the face more stedfastly4 ,the ,lord was pleased to give me a sweet relish of divine things1 and my soul took delight in the blessed ,god4 99,saturday1 ,october #ah4 ,in my morning devotions1 my soul was exceedingly melted for1 and bitterly mourned over1 my exceeding sinfulness and vileness4 ,i never before felt so deep a sense of the odious nature of sin4 ,my soul was unusually carried forth in love to ,god1 and had a lively sense of ,god's love to me4 ,and this love and hope1 cast out fear4 99,october #ai4 ,in the morning ,i felt my soul hungering and thirsting after righteousness4 ,in the forenoon1 while ,i was looking on the sacramental elements1 and thinking that ,jesus ,christ would soon be 8set forth crucified before me10 my soul was filled with light and love1 so that ,i was almost in an ecstasy2 my body was so weak1 ,i could scarcely stand4 ,i felt at the same time an exceeding tenderness and most fervent love towards all mankind2 so that my soul and all the powers of it seemed1 as it were1 to melt into softness and sweetness4 ,this love and joy cast out fear2 and my soul longed for perfect grace and glory4 99,tuesday1 ,october #ba4 ,i had likewise experience of the goodness of ,god in 8shedding abroad his love in my heart10 and all the remaining part of the week1 my soul was taken up with divine things4 ,i now so longed after ,god1 and to be freed from sin1 that when ,i felt myself recovering1 and thought ,i must return to college again1 which had proved so hurtful to me the year past1 ,i could not but be grieved1 and ,i thought ,i had much rather have died2 but before ,i went1 ,i enjoyed several other sweet and precious seasons of communion with ,god4 ,i returned to college about ,november #f1 and through the goodness of ,god1 felt the power of religion almost daily4 ,november #bh4 ,i enjoyed precious discoveries of ,god1 and was unspeakably refreshed with that passage1 ,hebrews xii4 #bb1 #bc1 #bd1 so that my soul longed to wing away for the paradise of ,god2 ,i longed to be conformed to ,god in all things4 ,tuesday1 ,december #i4 ,god was pleased wonderfully to assist and strengthen me2 so that ,i thought nothing should ever move me from the love of ,god in ,christ ,jesus my ,lord4,o6 one hour with ,god infinitely exceeds all the pleasures of this lower world4 ,towards the latter end of ,january1 #agdjda1 ,i grew more cold and dull in matters of religion1 by means of my old temptation1 ambition in my studies4,but through divine goodness1 a great and general awakening spread itself over the college1 about the latter end of ,february1 in which ,i was much quickened1 and more abundantly engaged in religion4 ,this awakening was at the beginning of that extraordinary religious commotion through the land1 which is fresh in every one's memory4 ,this awakening was for a time very great and general at ,new-,haven2 and the college had no small share in it3 the students in general became serious1 many of them remarkably so1 and much engaged in the concerns of their eternal salvation4 ,it could not be otherwise than that one whose heart had been so drawn to ,god1 should be mightily animated1 at the sight of such an alteration in the college1 the town1 and land2 of mens reforming their lives1 and turning from profaneness and immorality1 to seriousness and concern for their salvation1 and of religion's reviving and flourishing almost every where4 ,but as an intemperate zeal1 soon mingled itself with that revival of religion3 so ,mr4 ,brainerd had the unhappiness to have a tincture of it4 ,one instance of which it is necessary should be related4 ,in the time of the awakening at college1 several students associated themselves1 who were wont freely to open themselves one to another3 ,mr4 ,brainerd was one of this company4 ,and it once happened1 that he and two or three more of these his intimate friends were in the hall together1 after ,mr4 ,whittelsey1 one of the tutors1 had been to prayer there with the scholars2 no other person now remaining in the hall1 but ,mr4 ,brainerd and these his companions4 ,mr4 ,whittelsey having been unusually pathetical in his prayer1 one of ,brainerd's friends asked him what he thought of ,mr4 ,whittelsey2 he made answer1 8,he has no more grace than this chair40 ,one happening at that time to be near the hall over-heard those words1 though he knew not who the person was1 which was thus censured4 ,he informed a woman who went and informed the rector4 ,he sent for the man and examined him2 and he told the rector the words that he heard ,brainerd utter1 and informed him who were in the room with him at that time4 ,upon which the rector sent for them3 they were very backward to inform against their friend1 of what they looked upon as private conversation1 yet the rector compelled them to declare what he said1 and of whom he said it4,brainerd thought1 that what he said in private1 was injuriously extorted from his friends1 and that it was injuriously required of him to make a public confession1 before the whole college1 for what he had said only in private conversation4,he not complying with this demand1 and having gone once to the separate meeting at ,new-,haven1 when forbidden by the rector1 was expelled the college4 ,his expulsion was in the winter anno #agdab1 while he was in his third year in college4 ,,part ,,ii4 ,from the time that he began to devote himself to the study of divinity1 till he was examined and licensed to preach4 ,,mr4 ,brainerd1 the spring after his expulsion1 went to live with the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,mills1 of ,ripton1 to follow his studies with him1 in order to his being fitted for the ministry2 where he spent the greater part of the time till licensed to preach4,the following account is in his own words4 ,thursday1 ,april #a1 #agdb4 ,i seem to be declining with respect to my life and warmth in divine things2 ,o that ,god would humble me deeply in the dust6 ,i deserve hell every day1 for not loving my ,lord more1 8who has loved me1 and given himself for me20 and every time ,i am enabled to exercise any grace1 ,i am indebted to the ,god of all grace for it4 8,where then is boasting80 ,surely 8it is excluded10 since we depend on ,god for the being and every act of grace4 99,friday1 ,april #b4 ,i felt myself much resigned1 calm1 and serene4 ,what are all the storms of this lower world1 if ,jesus does but come walking on the seas6,some time past1 ,i had much pleasure in the prospect of the ,heathen's being brought home to ,christ1 and desired that the ,lord would employ me in that work2but now my soul more frequently desires to die1 to be with ,christ4 ,o that my soul were wrapt up in love1 and my longing after ,god increased6 8walk-on0 replaced with 8walking on0 ,saturday1 ,april #c4 ,i thought1 if ,god would take me to himself1 my soul would exceedingly rejoice4 ,o that ,i may be always humble and resigned to ,god1 and that ,god would fix my soul on himself1 that ,i may be more fitted both for doing and suffering6 99,lord's-day1 ,april #d4 ,o my blessed ,god6 ,let me climb up near to him1 and love1 and long1 and plead1 and wrestle1 and reach1 and stretch after him1 and for deliverance from the body of sin and death4,alas6 my soul mourned to think ,i should ever lose sight of its ,beloved again4 8,o come1 ,lord ,jesus1 ,amen40 99,tuesday1 ,april #f4 ,i cried to ,god to wash my soul1 and cleanse me from my exceeding filthiness4,and ,i could think of undergoing the greatest sufferings1 with pleasure2 and found myself willing 7if ,god should so order it7 to suffer banishment from my native land1 among the ,heathen1 that ,i might do something for their salvation1 in distresses and deaths of any kind4,then ,god gave me to wrestle earnestly for others1 for the kingdom of ,christ in the world1 and for my dear ,christian friends4,i felt myself weaned from the world1 and from my own reputation1 willing to be despised1 and to be a gazing-stock for the world4,it is impossible for me to express what ,i then felt3 ,i had not much joy1 but a sense of the majesty of ,god1 which made me tremble2 ,i saw myself mean and vile1 which made me more willing that ,god should do what he would with me2 it was all infinitely reasonable4 ,thursday1 ,april #h4 ,i had hopes respecting the ,heathen4 ,o that ,god would bring in numbers of them to ,christ6 ,i cannot but hope ,i shall see that glorious day4,every thing in this world seems exceeding vile and little to me3 ,i look so myself4 ,saturday1 ,april #aj4 ,i spent much time in secret this morning1 and not without some comfort2 but am so low1 and feel so little of the presence of ,god1 that ,i hardly know what to call faith1 and am made to 8possess the sins of my youth10 and the dreadful sin of my nature1 and am all sin4 ,yet ,i feel some faint hopes1 that ,god will1 of his infinite mercy1 return4 ,lord's-day1 ,april #aa4 ,i had sweetness in the thoughts of arriving at the heavenly world4 ,o for the happy day6,after public worship ,god gave me special assistance in prayer2 ,i wrestled with my dear ,lord with much sweetness2 and intercession was a sweet and delightful employment4,in the evening1 as ,i was viewing the lights in the north1 ,i was delighted in contemplation on the glorious morning of the resurrection4 99,monday1 ,april #ab4 ,this morning the ,lord was pleased to lift up the light of his countenance upon me in secret prayer1 and made the season very precious to my soul4 ,i felt myself exceeding calm1 and quite resigned to ,god1 respecting my future employment3 my faith lifted me above the world1 and removed all those mountains1 that ,i could not look over of late3 ,i wanted not the favour of men to lean upon2 for ,i knew ,christ's favour was infinitely better1 and that it was no matter when1 nor where1 nor how ,christ should send me1 nor what trials he should exercise me with1 if ,i might be prepared for his work and will4 ,i now found sweetly revived in my mind the wonderful discovery of infinite wisdom in all the dispensations of ,god towards me1 which ,i had a little before ,i met with my great trial at college2 every thing appeared full of the wisdom of ,god4 ,wednesday1 ,april #ad4 ,my soul longed for communion with ,christ1 and for the mortification of indwelling corruption1 especially spiritual pride4 ,o there is a sweet day coming1 wherein 8the weary will be at rest60 ,my soul has enjoyed much sweetness this day in the hopes of its speedy arrival4 ,thursday1 ,april #ae4 ,my desires centered in ,god1 and ,i found a sensible attraction of soul after him3 ,i long for ,god1 and a conformity to his will1 in inward holiness1 ten thousand times more than for any thing here below4 ,lord's-day1 ,april #ah4 ,i retired early this morning in the woods2 and was enabled to plead with fervency for the advancement of ,christ's kingdom4,at night ,i saw myself infinitely indebted to ,god1 and had a view of my short comings3 it seemed to me1 that ,i had done nothing for ,god1 and that ,i had lived to him but a few hours of my life4 99,monday1 ,april #ai4 ,i set apart this day for fasting and prayer to ,god for his grace1 to prepare me for the work of the ministry1 and in his own time to send me into his harvest4 ,i felt a power of intercession for the advancement of the kingdom of my dear ,lord2 and withal1 a sweet resignation1 and even joy in the thoughts of suffering hardships1 distresses1 yea death itself1 in the promotion of it4 ,in the afternoon1 8,god was with me of a truth40 ,o it was blessed company indeed6 ,god enabled me so to agonize in prayer1 that ,i was quite wet with sweat1 tho' in the shade4 ,my soul was drawn out very much for the world2 ,i grasped for multitudes of souls4 ,i had more enlargement for sinners1 than for the children of ,god2 though ,i felt as if ,i could spend my life in cries for both4 ,i never felt such an entire weanedness from this world1 and so much resigned to ,god in every thing4,o that ,i may always live to and upon my blessed ,god6 ,tuesday1 ,april #bj4 ,this day ,i am twenty-four years of age4 ,o how much mercy have ,i received the year past6 ,how often has ,god 8caused his goodness to pass before me60 ,and how poorly have ,i answered the vows ,i made this time twelvemonth1 to be wholly the ,lord's1 to be for ever devoted to his service6 ,the ,lord help me to live more to his glory4,this has been a sweet day to me3 blessed be ,god4 ,i think my soul was never so drawn out in intercession for others4 ,i had a fervent wrestle with the ,lord for my enemies2 and ,i hardly ever so longed to live to ,god1 and to be altogether devoted to him4 ,lord's day1 ,april #be4 ,this morning ,i spent about two hours in secret1 and was enabled more than ordinarily to agonize for immortal souls2 though it was early in the morning1 and the sun scarcely shined at all1 yet my body was quite wet with sweat4 ,i felt myself much pressed1 as frequently of late1 to plead for the meekness and calmness of the ,lamb of ,god4 ,o it is a sweet disposition1 heartily to forgive all injuries1 to wish our greatest enemies as well as we do our own souls6 ,blessed ,jesus1 may ,i daily be more and more conformed to thee6 ,at night ,i was exceedingly melted with divine love1 and had a sense of the blessedness of the upper world4 ,those words hung upon me with much sweetness1 ,psalms lxxxiv4 #g4 8,they go from strength to strength1 every one of them in ,zion appeareth before ,god40 ,o the near access that ,god sometimes gives us in our addresses to him6 ,this may well be termed appearing before ,god2 it is so indeed1 in the true spiritual sense4 ,i longed for the coming of my dear ,lord2 ,i longed to join the angelic hosts in praises1 wholly free from imperfection4 ,o the blessed moment hastens6 ,all ,i want is to be more holy1 more like my dear ,lord4 ,o for sanctification6 ,my very soul pants for the compleat restoration of the blessed image of my ,saviour2 that ,i may be fit for the blessed enjoyments and employments of the heavenly world4 ,monday1 ,april #bf4 ,i continued in a sweet frame of mind4 ,god was pleased to make it a humbling season4 ,my soul exceedingly longs for that blessed state of perfection1 of deliverance from all sin6,at night ,god enabled me to give my soul up to him1 to cast myself upon him1 to be disposed of according to his sovereign pleasure2 and ,i enjoyed great peace and consolation in so doing4 ,my soul took sweet delight in ,god3 my thoughts freely and sweetly centered in him4 ,o that ,i could spend every moment of my life to his glory6 99,tuesday1 ,april #bg4 ,i retired and ,god was pleased to pour such ineffable comforts into my soul1 that ,i could do nothing for sometime but say over and over1 8,o my sweet ,saviour6 ,o my sweet ,saviour6 ,whom have ,i in heaven but thee8 ,and there is none upon earth that ,i desire beside thee40 ,if ,i had a thousand lives1 my soul would gladly have laid them all down1 to have been with ,christ4 ,my soul never enjoyed so much of heaven before2 it was the most refined communion with ,god ,i ever felt3 ,i never before felt so great a degree of resignation4 99,wednesday1 ,april #bh4 ,i withdrew to my usual place of retirement1 and spent about two hours in secret4 ,i felt much as ,i did yesterday morning1 only weaker and more overcome4 ,i seemed to hang wholly on my dear ,lord2 wholly weaned from all other dependencies4 ,i knew not what to say to my ,god1 but only lean on his bosom1 as it were1 and breathe out my desires after perfect conformity to him in all things4 ,thirsting desires and insatiable longings1 possessed my soul after perfect holiness2 ,god was so precious to my soul1 that the world with all its enjoyments was infinitely vile2 ,i had no more value for the favour of men1 than for pebbles3 the ,lord was my all2 and he over ruled all2 which greatly delighted me4 ,i think my faith and dependance on ,god scarce ever rose so high4 ,i saw him such a fountain of goodness1 that it seemed impossible ,i should distrust him again1 or be any way anxious about any thing that should happen to me4,in the evening my heart seemed sweetly to melt1 and was humbled for indwelling corruption1 and ,i mourned like a dove4 ,i felt that all my unhappiness arose from my being a sinner2 for with resignation ,i could welcome all other trials2 but sin hung heavy upon me3 for ,god discovered to me the corruption of my heart2 so that ,i went to bed with a heavy heart1 because ,i was a sinner3 though ,i did not in the least doubt of ,god's love4 ,o that ,god would 8purge away all my dross1 and take away my tin40 8sin0 replaced with 8tin0 per ,errata ,friday1 ,april #cj4 ,nothing grieves me so much as that ,i cannot live constantly to ,god's glory4 ,i could bear any spiritual conflicts1 if ,i could but have my heart all the while burning with love to ,god2 for when ,i feel this ,i cannot be dejected1 but only rejoice in my ,saviour1 who has delivered me from the reigning power1 and will shortly deliver me from the indwelling of sin4 ,lord's-day1 ,may #b4 ,god was pleased to give me such a sight of myself1 as made me appear vile in my own eyes3 ,i felt corruption in my heart1 which ,i could by no means suppress2 ,i was exceeding weak1 and almost sick with my inward trials4 ,lord's-day1 ,may #i4 ,i never felt so much of the cursed pride of my heart1 as well as the stubbornness of my will before4 ,o what a wretch ,i am6 ,i could not submit to be nothing1 and to lie down in the dust4 ,oh that ,god would humble me6 ,i felt myself such a sinner1 all day1 that ,i had scarce any comfort4 ,oh when shall ,i be 8delivered from the body of this death60 ,i greatly feared1 lest through stupidity ,i should lose the benefit of these trials4 ,o that they might be sanctified to my soul6 ,nothing seemed to touch me but this1 that ,i was a sinner4 ,thursday1 ,may #ac4 ,i saw so much of the wickedness of my heart1 that ,i longed to get away from myself4 ,i never before thought there was so much spiritual pride in my soul3 ,i was almost pressed to death with my vileness4 ,oh what a body of death is there in me6 ,lord1 deliver my soul4 ,o the closest walk with ,god is the sweetest heaven that can be enjoyed on earth6 ,friday1 ,may #ad4 ,i waited on a council of ministers1 and spread before them the treatment ,i had met with at ,yale-college2 who thought it adviseable to intercede for me with the rector and trustees1 and to intreat them to restore me to my former privileges4 ,the application which was then made on his behalf1 had not the desired success4 ,saturday1 ,june #ab4 ,i spent much time in prayer this morning1 and enjoyed much sweetness4,felt insatiable longings after ,god3 ,i wondered how poor souls do to live1 that have no ,god4,the world1 with all its enjoyments1 quite vanished4 ,i see myself very helpless3 but ,i have a blessed ,god to go to4 ,i longed exceedingly 8to be dissolved1 and to be with ,christ1 to behold his glory40 ,oh1 my weak weary soul longs to arrive at my ,father's house6 ,monday1 ,june #ad4 ,i felt something of the sweetness of communion with ,god1 and the constraining force of his love3,i set apart this day for fasting and prayer1 to intreat ,god to bless me with regard to the great work of preaching the gospel4 ,just at night1 the ,lord visited me marvellously in prayer3 ,i think my soul never was in such an agony before3 ,i felt no restraint2 for the treasures of divine grace were opened to me2 ,i wrestled for my absent friends1 for the ingathering of souls1 for multitudes of poor souls1 and for many that ,i thought were the children of ,god1 personally1 in many distant places4 ,i was in such an agony1 till near dark1 that ,i was all over wet with sweat3 but yet it seemed to me that ,i had wasted away the day1 and had done nothing4 ,oh1 my dear ,jesus did sweat blood for poor souls6 ,i longed for more compassion towards them4 ,tuesday1 ,june #ae4 ,i had the most ardent longings after ,god1 that ,i ever felt in my life3 at noon1 in secret1 ,i could do nothing but tell my dear ,lord1 that he knew ,i longed for nothing but himself1 nothing but holiness2 that he had given me these desires1 and he only could give me the thing desired4 ,i never seemed to be so unhinged from myself1 and to be so wholly devoted to ,god4 ,my heart was swallowed up in ,god most of the day4 ,in the evening ,i had such a view of the soul's being enlarged1 to contain more holiness2 that my soul seemed ready to separate from my body1 to obtain it4 ,i then wrestled in an agony for divine blessings2 and had my heart drawn out in prayer for some ,christian friends1 beyond what ,i ever had before4,i feel differently now from whatever ,i did under any sweet enjoyments before2 more engaged to live to ,god for ever4 ,oh how short do ,i fall of my duty in my sweetest moments6 ,friday1 ,june #ah4 ,considering my great unfitness for the ministry1 ,i set apart this day for prayer to ,god1 and found ,god graciously near2 once in particular1 while ,i was pleading for more compassion for immortal souls1 my heart seemed to be opened at once1 and ,i was enabled to cry with great ardency4 99,oh1 ,i was distressed1 to think1 that ,i should offer such dead cold services to the living ,god6 ,my soul seemed to breathe after holiness1 a life of constant devotedness to ,god4 ,but ,i am almost lost sometimes in the pursuit of this blessedness1 and ready to sink1 because ,i continually fall short4 ,o that the ,lord would help me to hold out1 yet a little while1 till the happy hour of deliverance comes6 ,lord's-day1 ,june #bj4 ,i spent much time alone4 ,my soul longed to be holy1 and reached after ,god2 ,i hungered and thirsted2 but was not satisfied4 ,my soul hung on ,god1 as my only portion4 ,o that ,i could grow in grace more abundantly every day6 ,tuesday1 ,june #bb4 ,i was sweetly composed and resigned to ,god's will2 enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with him1 and to have my whole dependence upon him3 my secret retirement was very refreshing4 ,it appeared such a happiness to have ,god for my portion1 that ,i had rather be any other creature in this lower creation1 than not to come to the enjoyment of ,god3 ,i had rather be a beast1 than a man1 without ,god1 if ,i were to live here to eternity4 ,lord endear thyself more to me6 ,wednesday1 ,june #cj4 ,spent this day alone in the woods1 in fasting and prayer2 underwent the most dreadful conflicts in my soul1 that ever ,i felt2 ,i saw myself so vile1 that ,i was ready to say1 8,i shall now perish by the hand of ,saul40 ,i almost concluded1 ,i had no power to stand for the cause of ,god1 but was 8afraid of the shaking of a leaf40 ,spent almost the whole day in prayer4 ,i could not bear to think of ,christians shewing me any respect4 ,i almost despaired of doing any service in the world2 ,i could not feel any hope respecting the ,heathen1 which used to afford me some refreshment in the darkest hours4 ,i spent the day in the bitterness of my soul4 ,near night ,i enjoyed some sweetness in prayer4 ,saturday1 ,july #c4 ,my heart seemed again to sink4 ,the disgrace ,i was laid under at college seemed to damp me1 as it opens the mouths of opposers4 ,i had no refuge but in ,god4 ,blessed be his name1 that ,i may go to him at all times1 and find him a present help4 ,lord's-day1 ,july #d4 ,i withdrew1 and enjoyed a happy season in secret3 ,god was pleased to give me the exercise of faith1 and thereby brought the invisible and eternal world near to my soul4 ,i hoped1 that my weary pilgrimage would be short2 that it would not be long before ,i was brought to my ,father's house3 but ,i was sweetly resigned to ,god's will1 to tarry his time1 to do his work1 and suffer his pleasure4 ,i felt pleased1 to be little1 to be nothing1 and to lie in the dust4 ,i enjoyed life and sweet consolation in pleading for the dear children of ,god1 and the kingdom of ,christ in the world3 and my soul earnestly breathed after holiness1 and the enjoyment of ,god4 8,o come1 ,lord ,jesus6 come quickly ,amen40 ,monday1 ,july #ai4 ,my desires are carried out after weanedness from the world1 perfect deadness to it1 and to be crucified to all its allurements4 ,my soul longs to feel itself a pilgrim and stranger here below2 that nothing may divert me from pressing through the lonely desert1 till ,i arrive at my ,father's house4 99,thursday1 ,july #bb4 ,journeying from ,southbury to ,ripton1 ,i called at a house1 where being kindly entertained1 ,i was filled with amazement and shame1 that ,god should stir up the hearts of any to shew so much kindness to such a dead dog as ,i2 and was sensible1 how exceeding vile it is1 not to be wholly devoted to ,god4 ,i wondered1 that ,god would suffer any of his creatures to feed and sustain me from time to time4 ,thursday1 ,july #bi4 ,i was examined by the association met at ,danbury1 as to my learning1 and experiences in religion1 and received a licence from them to preach the gospel of ,christ4 ,afterwards ,i felt much devoted to ,god3 joined in prayer with one of the ministers2 and went to bed resolving to live devoted to ,god all my days4 ,,part ,,iii4 ,from the time of his being licensed to preach1 till he was appointed ,missionary to the ,indians4 ,,friday1 ,july #cj1 #agdb4 ,i rode from ,danbury to ,southbury2 preached there from #a ,peter iv4 #f4 ,i had much of the comfortable presence of ,god in the exercise3 ,i seemed to have power with ,god in prayer1 and power to get hold of the hearts of the people4 ,lord's-day1 ,august #h4 ,in the morning ,i felt comfortably in secret prayer2 my soul was refreshed with the hopes of the ,heathens coming to ,christ2 ,i was much resigned to ,god1 and thought it was no matter what became of me4 ,thursday1 ,august #ab4 ,this morning ,i was exercised with sore inward trials3 ,i had no power to pray2 but seemed shut out from ,god1 ,i had in a great measure lost my hopes of ,god's sending me among the ,heathen1 and of seeing them flock to ,christ4 ,i saw so much of my hellish vileness1 that ,i appeared worse to myself than any devil3 ,i wondered that ,god would let me live1 and wondered that people did not stone me1 much more that they would ever hear me preach6 ,it seemed as though ,i neither could nor should preach any more3 yet about nine or ten o'clock1 the people came1 and ,i was forced to preach4 ,and blessed be ,god1 he gave me his presence and ,spirit3 so that ,i spoke with power from ,job xiv4 #ad4 ,some ,indians cried out in great distress1 and all appeared greatly concerned4 ,it was in a place in the western borders of ,connecticut1 where there is a number of ,indians4 ,tuesday1 ,august #ag4 ,i was exceedingly depressed in spirit2 it cuts and wounds my heart1 to think how much spiritual pride1 and warmth of temper1 ,i have formerly intermingled with my endeavours to promote ,god's work3 and sometimes ,i long to lie down at the feet of opposers1 and confess what a poor creature ,i have been1 and still am4 ,oh1 the ,lord forgive me1 and make me for the future 8wise as a serpent1 and harmless as a dove60 ,thursday1 ,august #ag4 ,this day1 being about to go from ,mr4 ,bellamy's at ,bethlehem1 where ,i had resided some time1 ,i prayed with him1 and two or three other ,christian friends1 and we gave ourselves to ,god with all our hearts1 to be his for ever3 eternity looked very near to me4 ,if ,i never see them again in this world1 it seemed but a few moments before ,i should meet them in another4 ,friday1 ,august #bj4 ,i appeared so vile to myself1 that ,i hardly dared to think of being seen1 especially on account of spiritual pride4 ,however1 to-night ,i enjoyed a sweet hour alone with ,god1 7at ,ripton7 ,i was lifted up above the frowns and flatteries of this world1 had a sweet relish of heavenly joys1 and my soul did as it were get into the eternal world1 and really taste of heaven4 ,monday1 ,august #bc4 ,i had a sweet season in secret prayer3 the ,lord drew near to my soul1 and filled me with peace and consolation4 ,my soul tasted the sweetness of the upper world2 and was drawn out in prayer for the world1 that it might come to ,christ6 99,monday1 ,august #cj4 ,i prayed with a ,christian friend or two2 and1 ,i think1 scarce ever launched so far into the eternal world2 ,i got so far out on the broad ocean1 that my soul triumphed over all the evils on the shores of mortality4,time1 and all its gay amusements and cruel disappointments1 never appeared so inconsiderable to me before2 ,i saw myself nothing1 and my soul reached after ,god with intense desire4 ,i knew1 ,i had never lived a moment to him as ,i should do3 indeed it appeared to me1 ,i had never done any thing in ,christianity2 my soul longed with a vehement desire to live to ,god4 ,saturday1 ,september #d4 ,god enabled me to wrestle ardently for the ,redeemer's kingdom2 and for my dear brother ,john1 that ,god would make him more of a pilgrim and stranger on the earth1 and fit him for singular serviceableness in the world2 and my heart sweetly exulted in the ,lord1 in the thoughts of any distresses that might light on him or me1 in the advancement of ,christ's kingdom4 99,wednesday1 ,september #h4 ,i felt exceedingly weaned from the world4,in the afternoon ,i discoursed on divine things with a ,christian friend1 whereby we were both refreshed4 ,then ,i prayed1 with a sweet sense of the blessedness of communion with ,god3 ,i think ,i scarce ever enjoyed more of ,god in any one prayer4 ,i knew not that ever ,i saw so much of my own nothingness in my life2 never wondered so1 that ,god allowed me to preach his word3 never was so astonished as now4 99,friday1 ,september #aj4 ,i longed with intense desire after ,god2 my whole soul seemed impatient to be conformed to him1 and to become 8holy1 as he is holy40 ,in the afternoon1 ,i prayed with a dear friend1 and had the presence of ,god with us2 our souls united together to reach after a blessed immortality1 to be unclothed of the body of sin and death1 and to enter the blessed world1 where no unclean thing enters4 ,o with what intense desire did our souls long for that blessed day that we might be freed from sin1 and for ever live to and in our ,god6 ,thursday1 ,september #af4 ,i enjoyed much of ,god in secret prayer3 felt an uncommon resignation1 to be and do what ,god pleased4 ,some days past1 ,i felt great perplexity on account of my past conduct3 my bitterness1 and want of ,christian kindness and love1 has been very distressing to my soul3 the ,lord forgive me my unchristian warmth1 and want of a spirit of meekness6 ,saturday1 ,september #ah4 ,i felt compassion for souls1 and mourned ,i had no more4 ,i feel much more kindness1 meekness1 gentleness1 and love towards all mankind than ever4 ,i longed to be at the feet of my enemies and persecutors3 enjoyed some sweetness1 in feeling my soul conformed to ,christ ,jesus1 and given away to him for ever4 ,through this1 and the two following weeks1 he passed through a variety of exercises3 he was frequently dejected1 and sometimes sunk into the depths of melancholy3 ,not with regard to the favour of ,god1 but about his own sinful infirmities1 and unfitness for ,god's service4 ,though his mind was extremely depressed with a sense of inexpressible vileness1 yet1 in the mean time1 he had many seasons of comfort and spiritual refreshment4 99,lord's-day1 ,october #ag4 ,i had a sense of my helplessness2 especially when ,i went to the place of public worship4 ,i found ,i could not speak a word for ,god without his special assistance3 ,i went into the assembly trembling1 under a sense of my insufficiency to do any thing as ,i ought to do4,but it pleased ,god to afford me much assistance1 and there seemed to be a considerable effect on the hearers4,o that ,i might be 8faithful to the death1 fulfilling as an hireling my day10 till the shades of the evening of life shall free my soul from the toils of the day6 ,this evening ,i felt such longing desires after deliverance from sin1 and conformity to ,god1 as melted my heart4 ,oh1 ,i longed to be 8delivered from this body of death60 to be conformed to ,god entirely1 fully1 and for ever4,i scarce ever preach without being first visited with inward conflicts and sore trials4 ,blessed be the ,lord for these trials and distresses1 as they are blessed for my humbling4 ,monday1 ,october #ah4 ,i felt some sweetness1 but was still pressed through trials of soul4 ,my life is a constant mixture of consolations and conflicts1 and will be so till ,i arrive at the world of spirits4 ,tuesday1 ,october #ai4 ,this morning and last night1 felt a sweet longing in my soul after holiness3 my soul seemed so to reach and stretch towards the mark of perfect sanctity1 that it was ready to break with longings4 99,thursday1 ,october #ba4 ,i had a very deep sense of the vanity of the world1 and had little more regard to it1 than if ,i had been to go into eternity the next hour4 ,through divine goodness1 ,i felt very serious and solemn4 ,o1 ,i love to live on the brink of eternity6 ,this gives me a sweet1 awful1 and reverential sense of ,god and divine things1 when ,i see myself as it were standing before the judgment seat of ,christ4 99,friday1 ,october #bb4 ,i was uncommonly weaned from the world3 my soul delighted to be a stranger and a pilgrim on the earth2 ,i felt a disposition never to have any thing to do with this world3 the character given of some of the antient people of ,god1 in ,hebrews xi4 #ac4 was very pleasing to me1 8they confessed that they were pilgrims and strangers on the earth10 and ,o that ,i could always do so6,it is sweet to be thus weaned from friends1 and from myself1 and dead to the world1 that ,i may live wholly to and upon the blessed ,god4 ,monday1 ,october #bf4 ,at ,turky-,hills ,in the evening ,i enjoyed the divine presence3 it was a sweet and comfortable season3 my soul longed for ,god1 for the living ,god3 enjoyed a sweet solemnity of spirit1 and longing desire after the recovery of the divine image3 8,then shall ,i be satisfied1 when ,i shall awake in ,god's likeness10 and never before4 ,tuesday1 ,october #bg4 ,at ,west-,suffield ,i underwent the most dreadful distresses1 under a sense of my own unworthiness3 it seemed to me1 ,i deserved rather to be driven out of the place1 than to have any body to come to hear me preach4 ,and verily my spirits were so depressed1 that it was impossible ,i should treat immortal souls with faithfulness3 ,i could not deal closely and faithfully with them1 ,i felt so infinitely vile in myself4 ,oh1 what dust and ashes ,i am1 to think of preaching the gospel to others6 ,indeed ,i never can be faithful for one moment1 but shall certainly 8daub with untempered mortar10 if ,god do not grant me special help4,in the evening1 ,i went to the meeting-house1 and it looked to me near as easy for one to rise out of the grave and preach1 as for me4 ,however ,god was pleased to lift me up and enable me to preach4 ,o the wonderful goodness of ,god to so vile a sinner6 ,wednesday1 ,october #bh4 ,i was not a little concerned about preaching in the afternoon3 felt exceedingly without strength1 went into the house1 ashamed to see any come to hear such an unspeakably worthless wretch4 ,however ,god enabled me to speak with clearness1 power1 and pungency4 ,thursday1 ,november #d4 ,at ,lebanon ,i was concerned that ,i had no more sense of my insufficiency and unworthiness4 ,o it is sweet lying in the dust6 ,but it is distressing to feel in my soul that hell of corruption4,in the afternoon ,i had a sense of the sweetness of a strict1 close1 and constant devotedness to ,god1 and felt a pleasing yet painful concern1 lest ,i should spend some moments without ,god4 ,o may ,i always live to ,god6,in the evening ,i felt an intense desire to spend every moment for ,god4,god is unspeakably gracious to me continually3 in times past1 he has given me inexpressible sweetness in the performance of duty2 frequently my soul has enjoyed much of ,god2 but has been ready to say1 8,lord1 it is good to be here20 and so to indulge sloth4 ,but of late ,god has been pleased to keep my soul hungry1 almost continually2 so that ,i have been filled with a kind of pleasing pain4 ,when ,i really enjoy ,god1 ,i feel my desires of him the more insatiable1 and my thirstings after holiness the more unquenchable2 and the ,lord will not allow me to feel as though ,i were fully supplied and satisfied1 but keeps me still reaching forward2 and ,i feel barren and empty1 as though ,i could not live1 without more of ,god in me2 ,i feel ashamed and guilty before ,god4 ,oh6 ,i see1 8the law is spiritual1 but ,i am carnal40 ,i do not1 ,i cannot live to ,god4 ,oh for holiness6 ,oh for more of ,god in my soul6 ,oh this pleasing pain6 ,it makes my soul press after ,god2 the language of it is1 8,then shall ,i be satisfied1 when ,i awake in ,god's likeness10 7,psalms xxvii4 ultima7 but never1 never before3 and consequently ,i am engaged to 8press towards the mark10 day by day4 ,o that ,i may feel this continual hunger1 and not be retarded1 but rather be animated by every cluster from ,canaan1 to reach forward in the narrow way1 for the full enjoyment of the heavenly inheritance6 ,o that ,i may never loiter in my heavenly journey4 ,lord's day1 ,november #g1 it seemed as if such an unholy wretch as ,i never could arrive at that blessedness1 to be 8holy1 as ,god is holy40 ,at noon ,i longed for sanctification1 and conformity to ,god4 ,oh1 that is ,,the ,,all1 ,,the ,,all6 ,the ,lord help me to press after ,god for ever4 ,monday1 ,november #ah4 ,i longed for an arrival in the heavenly country1 the blessed paradise of ,god4 ,through divine goodness1 ,i have scarce seen the day1 for two months1 but death has looked so pleasant to me1 that ,i could have rejoiced the present should be my last2 and ,i trust that ,i shall be able to say1 8,o death1 where is thy sting60 and1 8,o grave1 where is thy victory60 ,friday1 ,november #ai4 ,at ,new-,haven ,i received a letter from the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,pemberton of ,new-,york1 desiring me speedily to go down thither1 and consult about the ,indian affairs1 and to meet certain gentlemen there that were intrusted with them4 ,i retired with two or three friends1 and prayed2 and was enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with ,god4 ,wednesday1 ,november #bd4 ,i came to ,new-,york2 felt still much concerned about the importance of my business2 put up many earnest requests to ,god2 was confused with the noise and tumult of the city2 enjoyed but little time alone with ,god2 but my soul longed after him4 ,thursday1 ,november #be4 ,i spent much time in prayer and supplication3 was examined by some gentlemen of my ,christian experience1 and my acquaintance with divinity1 and some other studies1 in order to my improvement in that important affair of gospellizing the ,heathen3 was made sensible of my great ignorance and unfitness for public service3 99,i had the most abasing thoughts of myself1 ,i think1 that ever ,i had3 ,i thought myself the worst wretch that ever lived3 it pained my heart1 that any body should shew me any respect4 ,alas6 ,i thought1 how sadly they are deceived in me6 how miserably would they be disappointed1 if they knew my inside6 ,oh my heart6,and in this depressed condition1 ,i was forced to go and preach to a considerable assembly1 before some grave and learned ministers2 but ,i felt such a pressure from a sense of my vileness1 ignorance1 and unfitness to appear in public1 that ,i was almost overcome with it3 my soul was grieved for the congregation1 that they should sit there to hear such a dead dog as ,i preach2 ,i thought myself infinitely indebted to the people1 and longed that ,god would reward them with his grace4 ,these gentlemen that examined ,mr4 ,brainerd1 were the correspondents in ,new-,york1 ,new-,jersey1 and ,pensylvania1 of the honourable society in ,scotland for propagating ,christian knowledge2 to whom was committed the management of their affairs in those parts1 and who were now met at ,new-,york4 ,,part ,,iv4 ,from the time of his being appointed ,missionary1 to his entrance on his mission among the ,indians at ,kaunaumeek4 ,,friday1 ,november #bf4 ,i had still a sense of my own vileness1 and endeavoured as much as ,i could to keep alone4 ,o what a nothing1 what dust and ashes am ,i6,i enjoyed some comfort in spreading my complaints before ,god4 ,saturday1 ,november #bg4 ,i committed my soul to ,god with some degree of comfort2 left ,new-,york about nine in the morning2 came away with a distressing sense of my unspeakable unworthiness4 ,surely ,i may well love all my brethren2 for none of them all is as vile as ,i2 whatever they do outwardly1 yet it seems to me none is conscious of so much inward sin4 ,o my leanness1 my barrenness1 my past bitterness1 and want of a gospel-temper6 ,wednesday1 ,december #a4 ,my soul breathed after ,god in longing desires of conformity to him3 my soul was brought to rest itself1 on his rich grace1 and felt strength to do or suffer any thing that divine ,providence should allot me4 ,within the space of the next nine days1 he went a journey from ,newton to ,haddam1 his native town2 and after staying there some days returned again into the western part of ,connecticut1 and came to ,southbury4 ,saturday1 ,december #aa4 ,i conversed with a dear friend1 to whom ,i had thought of giving a liberal education1 that he might be fitted for the gospel ministry4 ,i acquainted him with my thoughts1 and left him to consider of it1 till ,i should see him again4 ,then ,i rode to ,bethlehem1 to ,mr4 ,bellamy's lodgings2 and spent the evening with him in sweet conversation and prayer4 ,lord's day1 ,december #ab4 ,i felt a distressing need of divine help2 ,i went to meeting trembling2 but it pleased ,god to assist me in prayer and sermon3 ,i think1 my soul scarce ever penetrated so far into the immaterial world1 nor were my devotions ever so much refined1 ,i preached with some sweetness1 from ,matthew vi4 #cc4 ,blessed be ,god1 ,i have reason to think1 that my religion is become more spiritual1 by means of my late inward conflicts4 ,may ,i always be willing that ,god should use his own methods with me6,i felt much of the sweetness of religion1 and the tenderness of the gospel-temper3 ,i found a dear love to all mankind1 and ,i was afraid of scarcely any thing so much as lest some motion of anger or resentment should1 some time or other1 creep into my heart4 ,tuesday1 ,december #ba4 ,i rode over to ,derby1 and preached2 it pleased ,god to give me sweet assistance1 and to enable me to speak with a soft and tender power and energy4,we had afterwards a comfortable evening in singing and prayer2 ,god enabled me to pray with as much spirituality and sweetness as ,i have done for some time2 my mind seemed to be unclothed of sense and imagination and was in a measure let into the world of spirits4 ,this day was1 ,i trust made profitable to a number of us1 to advance our souls in holiness and conformity to ,god3 the glory be to him for ever4 ,amen4 ,how blessed it is to grow more and more like ,god6 ,lord's day1 ,december #bf4 ,i felt much sweetness and tenderness in prayer1 my whole soul seemed to love my worst enemies1 and ,i was enabled to pray for those that are strangers to ,god with a degree of softness and pathetic fervour4 ,monday1 ,december #bg4 ,i enjoyed a precious season2 ,i had a sweet sense of the pure spirituality of the religion of ,christ ,jesus4 ,in the evening ,i preached with much freedom1 power and pungency4 ,o the tenderness ,i felt in my soul6 ,blessed be my ,god ,i have seldom enjoyed a more comfortable and profitable day than this4 ,o that ,i could spend all my time for ,god6 8comforable0 replaced with 8comfortable0 ,friday1 ,january #ad1 #agdbc4 ,my spiritual conflicts were unspeakably dreadful1 heavier than the mountains and overflowing floods3 ,i seemed inclosed as it were1 in hell itself3 ,i was deprived of all sense of ,god1 even of the being of a ,god2 and that was my misery4 99,this was distress the nearest a-kin to the damned's torments that ,i ever endured3 their torments1 ,i am sure will consist much in the privation of ,god1 and consequently of all good4 ,this taught me the absolute dependance of a creature upon the ,creator1 for every crumb of happiness it enjoys4 ,oh6 ,i feel that if there is no ,god1 though ,i might live for ever here1 and enjoy not only this1 but all other worlds1 ,i should be ten thousand times more miserable than a toad4 ,my soul was in such anguish ,i could not eat1 but felt as ,i supposed a poor wretch would1 that is just going to the place of execution4 ,i was almost swallowed up with anguish1 when ,i saw people gathering together to hear me preach4 ,however1 ,i went to the house of ,god1 and he was pleased to give me freedom and enlargement1 and ,i spent the evening comfortably4 99,lord's day1 ,january #bc4 ,i scarce ever felt myself so unfit to exist1 as now3 ,i saw ,i was not worthy of a place among the ,indians1 where ,i am going2 ,i thought ,i should be ashamed to look them in the face1 and much more to have any respect shewn me4 ,indeed ,i felt myself banished from the earth1 as if all places were too good for such a wretch as ,i3 ,i thought ,i should be ashamed to go among the very savages of ,africa2 ,i appeared to myself a creature fit for nothing1 neither heaven nor earth4,none knows1 but those that feel it1 what the soul endures that is sensibly shut out from the presence of ,god2 alas it is more bitter than death4 ,wednesday1 ,january #bf4 ,i preached to a pretty large assembly2 insisted on humility1 and stedfastness in keeping ,god's commands2 and that through humility we should prefer one another in love4 ,i felt sweetly calm1 and full of brotherly love1 never more free from party spirit4 ,i hope some good will follow1 that ,christians will be freed from party zeal and censuring one another4 ,on ,thursday1 after a considerable time spent in prayer and ,christian conversation1 he rode to ,new-,london4 99,friday1 ,january #bh4 ,here ,i found some carried away with a false zeal and bitterness4 ,oh1 the want of a gospel-temper is greatly to be lamented4 ,i spent the evening in conversing with some about some points of conduct in both ministers and private ,christians2 but did not agree with them3 ,god had not taught them with briars and thorns to be of a kind disposition toward mankind4 ,wednesday1 ,february #b4 ,i preached my farewell-sermon1 at the house of an aged man1 who had been unable to attend on the public worship for some time2 and this morning spent the time in prayer4 ,having taken leave of my friends1 ,i set out on my journey towards the ,indians2 though by the way ,i was to spend some time at ,east-,hampton on ,long-,island2 and being accompanied by a messenger from ,east-,hampton1 we travelled to ,lyme4 ,on the road ,i felt an uncommon pressure of mind3 ,i seemed to struggle hard for some pleasure here below1 and seemed loth to give up all2 ,i saw ,i was throwing myself into all hardships and distresses3 ,i thought it would be less difficult to lie down in the grave2 but yet ,i chose to go1 rather than stay4,i came to ,lyme that night4 ,he waited the two next days for a passage over the sound1 and spent much of the time in inward conflicts4 ,on ,saturday he crossed the ,sound1 landed on ,long-,island1 and travelled to ,east-,hampton1 and the seven following days he spent there1 for the most part1 under extreme dejection of mind4 ,lord's-day1 ,february #ac4 ,i was under great discouragement2 knew not how it was possible for me to preach1 and was ready to give up all6 ,but ,god was pleased to assist me4 ,in the evening1 my heart was sweetly drawn out after ,god1 and devoted to him4 ,tuesday1 ,february #ae4 ,early in the day ,i felt some comfort2 afterwards ,i walked into a neighbouring grove1 and felt more a stranger on earth than ever2 as dead to the enjoyments of the world1 as if ,i had been dead in a natural sense4,in the evening ,i had sweetness in secret duty3 ,god was then my portion1 and my soul rose above those deep waters1 into which ,i have sunk so low of late4 ,thursday1 ,february #ag4 ,i preached this day at a little village2 and ,god was pleased to give me his gracious assistance1 so that ,i spake with freedom1 boldness1 and power4 99,in the evening1 ,i spent some time with a dear ,christian friend2 felt as on the brink of eternity2 my soul enjoyed sweetness in lively apprehensions of standing before the glorious ,god3 prayed with my dear friend1 and discoursed with the utmost solemnity4 ,and truly it was a little emblem of heaven itself4 ,friday1 ,february #ah4 ,i felt sweetly most of the day1 and found access to the throne of grace4 ,blessed be the ,lord for any intervals of composure while ,i am in the field of battle4 ,o that ,i might be serious1 solemn1 and always vigilant1 while in an evil world6 ,o1 ,i long to live to ,god6 ,during the next fortnight1 he1 for the most part1 enjoyed much peace and comfort4 ,and this space of time was filled up with great diligence and earnestness in serving ,god1 in study1 prayer1 meditation1 preaching1 and private instructing and counselling4 99,monday1 ,march #g4 ,this morning when ,i arose1 ,i found my heart go after ,god in longing desires of conformity to him3 and in secret prayer ,i found myself sweetly drawn out in praises to ,god for all he had done to and for me1 and for all my inward trials and distresses2 my heart ascribed glory1 glory1 glory to the blessed ,god6 and bid welcome to all inward distress again1 if ,god saw meet to exercise me with it3 time appeared but an inch long1 and eternity at hand2 and ,i thought ,i could with patience and chearfulness bear any thing for the cause of ,god2 for ,i saw that a moment would bring me to a world of peace and blessedness2 and my soul1 by the strength of the ,lord1 rose far above this lower world1 and all the vain amusements and frightful disappointments of it4 ,lord's-day1 ,march #ac4 ,at noon1 ,i thought it impossible for me to preach1 by reason of bodily weakness and inward deadness2 and in the first prayer1 ,i was so weak that ,i could hardly stand2 but in sermon1 ,god strengthened me1 so that ,i spake near an hour and half with freedom1 clearness1 and tender power1 from ,genesis v4 #bd4 8,and ,enoch walked with ,god40 ,i was sweetly assisted to insist on a close walk with ,god1 and to leave this as my parting advice to ,god's people here1 that they should walk with ,god4 ,may the ,god of all grace succeed my poor labours in this place6 ,saturday1 ,march #ai4 ,i was distressed under a sense of my ignorance1 darkness1 and unworthiness2 got alone1 and poured out my complaint to ,god in the bitterness of my soul4,in the afternoon ,i rode to ,newark1 and had some sweetness in conversation with ,mr4 ,burr1 and in praying together4 ,o blessed be ,god for ever and ever1 for any enlivening and quickening6 ,lord's-day1 ,march #bj4 ,i preached in the forenoon3 ,god gave me some assistance and sweetness1 and enabled me to speak with real tenderness1 love1 and impartiality4 ,in the evening1 ,i preached again2 and1 of a truth1 ,god was pleased to assist a poor worm4 ,blessed be ,god1 ,i was enabled to speak with life1 power1 and passionate desire of the edification of ,god's people4 99,in the evening1 ,i felt something spiritual and watchful1 lest my heart should by any means be drawn away from ,god4 ,oh1 when shall ,i come to that blessed world1 where every power of my soul will be incessantly and eternally wound up1 in heavenly employments and enjoyments1 to the highest degree6 ,on ,monday he went to ,woodbridge1 where the correspondents1 instead of sending him to the ,forks of ,delaware1 ordered him to go to a number of ,indians1 at ,kaunaumeek1 a place in the province of ,new-,york1 in the woods between ,stockbridge and ,albany4 ,this alteration was occasioned by two things1 #a4 ,information they had received of some contention now subsisting between the white people and the ,indians at ,delaware1 which they supposed would be a hindrance at present to their entertainment of a missionary1 and to his success among them4 ,and1 #b4 ,some intimations they had received from ,mr4 ,sergeant1 missionary to the ,indians at ,stockbridge1 concerning the ,indians at ,kaunaumeek1 and the prospect of success that a missionary might have among them4 ,,part ,v4 ,from his first beginning to instruct the ,indians at ,kaunaumeek1 to his ,ordination4 ,,friday1 ,april #a1 #agdc4 ,i rode to ,kaunaumeek1 near twenty miles from ,stockbridge1 where the ,indians live1 and ,i lodged on a little heap of straw4 ,i was greatly exercised with inward distresses all day2 and in the evening seemed to have no ,god to go to4 ,o that ,god would help me6 ,the place was sufficiently lonesome1 and unpleasant1 being encompassed with mountains and woods2 twenty miles distant from any ,english inhabitants2 six or seven from any ,dutch2 and more than two from a family that came1 from the ,highlands of ,scotland1 and had then lived about two years in this wilderness4 ,in this family ,i lodged about the space of three months1 the master of it being the only person with whom ,i could readily converse in those parts1 except my interpreter2 others understanding very little ,english4 ,thursday1 ,april #g4 ,i appeared to myself exceeding ignorant1 weak1 helpless1 and altogether unequal to my work4 ,it seemed to me ,i should never do any service1 or have any success among the ,indians4 ,my soul was weary of life3 ,i longed for death1 beyond measure4 ,when ,i thought of any godly soul departed1 my soul was ready to envy him his privilege1 thinking1 8,oh1 when will my turn come6 ,must it be years first60,but ,i know those desires rose partly for want of resignation to ,god4 ,towards night1 ,i had faith in prayer1 and some assistance in writing4 ,o that ,god would keep me near him6 99,friday1 ,april #h4 ,i was exceedingly pressed under a sense of my party-spirit1 in times past1 while ,i attempted to promote the cause of ,god3 its vile nature appeared in such odious colours1 that my very heart was pained3 ,i saw how poor souls stumbled over it into everlasting destruction1 and was constrained to make that prayer in the bitterness of my soul1 8,o ,lord1 deliver me from blood-guiltiness40 ,i saw my desert of hell on this account4 ,my soul was full of anguish and shame before ,god1 that ,i had spent so much time in conversation tending only to promote a party-spirit4 ,i saw ,i had not duly prized mortification1 self-denial1 resignation under all adversities1 meekness1 love1 candour1 and holiness of heart and life4,of late1 ,i have thought much of having the kingdom of ,christ advanced in the world2 but now ,i saw ,i had enough to do myself4 ,the ,lord be merciful to me a sinner4 ,lord's-day1 ,april #aj4 ,i preached to the ,indians1 both forenoon and afternoon4 ,they behaved soberly in general3 two or three appeared under some concern2 with whom ,i discoursed privately2 and one told me1 8her heart had cried1 ever since she heard me preach first40 ,wednesday1 ,april #ac4 ,i verily thought ,i was the meanest1 vilest1 most helpless1 ignorant creature living4 ,and yet ,i knew what ,god had done for my soul3 though sometimes ,i was assaulted with doubts1 whether it was possible for such a wretch as ,i1 to be in a state of grace4 ,tuesday1 ,april #ai4 ,in the morning1 ,i enjoyed sweet repose in ,god2 felt some confidence2 and was refreshed and comforted4 ,my soul was lifted above the deep waters1 wherein it has been so long almost drowned2 ,i found myself engaged for the advancement of ,christ's kingdom in my own soul1 more than in the ,heathen world4 ,wednesday1 ,april #bj4 ,i set apart this day for fasting and prayer1 to bow my soul before ,god for grace2 especially that all my inward distresses might be sanctified to my soul4 ,i endeavoured also to remember the goodness of ,god to me in the year past4 ,having obtained help of ,god1 ,i am now arrived at the age of twenty-five years4 ,my soul was pained1 to think of my barrenness2 that ,i have lived so little to the glory of the eternal ,god4 ,i spent the day in the woods alone1 and there poured out my complaint to ,god4 ,o that ,god would enable me to live to his glory for the future6 99,friday1 ,april #bb4 ,my leanness testifies against me6 ,my soul abhors itself for its unlikeness to ,god1 its inactivity and sluggishness4 ,when ,i have done all1 what an unprofitable servant am ,i6 ,i groan to see the hours of the day roll away1 because ,i do not fill them1 in spirituality and heavenly-mindedness4 ,and yet ,i long they should speed their pace1 to hasten me to my eternal home1 where ,i may fill up all my moments1 for ,god and his glory4 99,tuesday1 ,may #aj4 ,i was extremely pressed with a sense of guilt1 pollution1 blindness2 the sins of my youth were set in order before me2 they went over my head a burden1 too heavy for me to bear4 ,almost all the actions of my life past seem to be covered over with sin and guilt2 and those of them that ,i performed in the most conscientious manner1 now fill me with shame and confusion1 ,oh6 the pride1 selfishness1 ignorance1 bitterness1 party-zeal1 and the want of love1 candour1 meekness1 and gentleness1 that have attended my attempts to promote religion2 and this when ,i had real assistance from above1 and some sweet intercourse with heaven6 ,but1 what corrupt mixtures attended my best duties6 ,after several weeks ,i found my distance from the ,indians a very great disadvantage1 as ,i was obliged to travel forward and backward almost daily on foot having no pasture in which ,i could keep my horse4 ,and after all my pains1 ,i could not be with them in the evening and morning1 which were hours when they could best attend my instructions4 ,i therefore resolved to remove1 and live with or near the ,indians1 that ,i might watch when they were at home and take that time for their instruction4 ,accordingly ,i removed and for a time lived with them in one of their wigwams3 not long after ,i built me a small house1 where ,i spent the remainder of that year alone2 my interpreter 7who was an ,indian7 choosing rather to live in a wigwam among his own countrymen4 ,but although the difficulties of this solitary way of living are not the least1 yet ,i can truly say the burden ,i felt respecting my great work among the poor ,indians1 the fear and concern that continually hung upon my spirit1 lest they should be prejudiced against ,christianity1 by means of some who 7although they are called ,christians7 had rather the ,indians should remain heathens1 that they may with more ease cheat them2 the fear and concern ,i felt in these respects1 were much more pressing to me1 than all the difficulties that attended the circumstances of my living4 ,as to the state or temper of mind1 in which ,i found these ,indians1 at my first coming among them1 it was much more encouraging1 than expected4 ,their prejudices against ,christianity1 were in a great measure removed by the long continued labours of the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,sergeant among a number of the same tribe1 in a place more than twenty miles distant3 by which means1 these were in some degree1 prepared to entertain the truths of ,christianity instead of objecting against them as is common with them at first4 ,some of them appeared well disposed toward religion1 and seemed pleased with my coming among them4 99,wednesday1 ,may #ah4 ,my circumstances are such that ,i have no comfort1 of any kind1 but what ,i have in ,god4 ,i live in the most lonesome wilderness2 have but one single person to converse with1 that can speak ,english4 ,most of the talk ,i hear1 is either ,highland ,scotch or ,indian4 ,i have no fellow-,christian to whom ,i might unbosom myself1 and lay open my spiritual sorrows1 and with whom ,i might take sweet counsel about heavenly things1 and join in prayer4 ,i live poorly with regard to the comforts of life3 most of my diet consists of boiled corn1 and hasty pudding4 ,i lodge on a bundle of straw1 my labour is hard2 and ,i have little appearance of success4 ,the ,indian affairs are very difficult2 having no land to live on1 but what the ,dutch threaten to drive them from2 they have no regard to the souls of the poor ,indians2 and they hate me1 because ,i come to preach to them4,but that which makes all my difficulties grievous to be borne1 is1 that 8,god hides his face from me40 ,this person was ,mr4 ,brainerd's interpreter2 who was an ingenious young ,indian belonging to ,stockbridge1 whose name was ,john ,wauwaumpequunaunt1 who had been instructed in the ,christian religion by ,mr4 ,sergeant2 understood both ,english and ,indian very well1 and wrote a good hand4 ,here he had various exercises of mind2 from his first coming to ,kaunaumeek1 till he got into his own house1 a little hut that he made chiefly with his own hands1 with long and hard labour4 ,how it was with him in those dark seasons he further describes in his diary for ,july #b4 8,my soul is1 and has for a long time been in a pitieous condition1 wading through a series of sorrows1 of various kinds4 ,i have been so crushed down sometimes with a sense of my meanness and infinite unworthiness1 that ,i have been ashamed that any1 even the meanest of my fellow creatures1 should so much as spend a thought about me1 and have wished while ,i have travelled among the thick brakes1 to drop into everlasting oblivion4 ,in this case1 ,i have almost resolved never again to see any of my acquaintance2 and really thought1 ,i could not be seen or heard of any more4,sometimes the consideration of my ignorance has been a means of my great distress and anxiety4 ,and especially my soul has been in anguish with fear1 shame and guilt1 that ever ,i had preached1 or had any thought that way4,sometimes my soul has been in distress on feeling some particular corruptions3 having at the same time1 ten thousand former sins and follies presented to my view4,and these attended with such external circumstances as mine at present are2 destitute of most of the conveniences of life1 and ,i may say1 of all the pleasures of it2 without a friend to communicate any of my sorrows to1 and sometimes without any place of retirement1 where ,i may unburden my soul before ,god1 which has greatly contributed to my distress40 ,one main occasion of that distressing gloominess1 next to natural melancholy1 was reflecting on his past errors and misguided zeal at college4 ,therefore he repeated his endeavours for reconciliation with the governors of the college4 ,and although he had been at ,new-,haven1 in ,june1 and had attempted a reconciliation2 yet in the beginning of ,july1 he made another journey thither1 and renewed his attempt1 but still in vain4 8melancholly0 replaced with 8melancholy0 ,saturday1 ,july #cj4 ,just at night1 ,i moved into my own house1 and lodged there2 and ,i found it much better spending the time alone at my own house1 than in the wigwam where ,i was before4 ,wednesday1 ,august #c4 ,i am now uninterruptly alone2 and find my retirement comfortable4 ,i have enjoyed more sense of divine things within a few days past1 than for some time before4 ,i longed after holiness1 humility and meekness3 ,o that ,god would enable me to 8pass the time of my sojourning here in his fear10 and always live to him6 99,thursday1 ,august #d4 ,i have generally found the more ,i do in secret prayer1 the more ,i enjoy of a spirit of prayer2 and ,i frequently have found the contrary1 when with journeying or otherwise1 ,i have been deprived of retirement4 ,a seasonable steady performance of secret duties in their proper hours1 and a careful improvement of all time1 filling up every hour with some profitable labour1 either of heart1 head1 or hands1 are excellent means of spiritual peace and boldness before ,god4 8,christ0 indeed 8is our peace1 and by him we have boldness of access to ,god20 but a good conscience void of offence1 is an excellent preparation for an approach to the divine presence4 ,filling up our time with and for ,god1 is the way to rise up and lie down in peace4 ,saturday1 ,august #ac4 ,i was enabled in secret prayer to raise my soul to ,god1 with desire and delight4 ,it was indeed a blessed season to my soul3 ,i found the comfort of being a ,christian3 8,i counted the sufferings of the present life not worthy to be compared with the glory0 of divine enjoyments even in this world4 ,all my past sorrows seemed to disappear1 and ,i 8remembered no more the sorrow for joy40,with what a filial tenderness1 the soul hangs on1 and confides in the ,rock of ages1 at such a season1 that he will 8never leave it nor forsake it10 that he will cause all things to work together for its good2 ,i longed that others should know how good a ,god the ,lord is4 ,my soul was full of tenderness and love1 even to the most inveterate of my enemies4 ,i longed that ,god should do just as he pleased with me and every thing else4 ,i felt exceeding serious1 calm1 and peaceful1 and encouraged to press after holiness as long as ,i live1 whatever difficulties and trials may be in my way4 ,monday1 ,august #ae4 ,in my weak state of body1 ,i was not a little distressed for want of suitable food4 ,i am forced to go or send ten or fifteen miles for all the bread ,i eat2 and sometimes it is mouldy and sour before ,i eat it1 if ,i get any considerable quantity3 and then again ,i have none for some days together1 for want of an opportunity to send for it4 ,and this was my case now3 but through divine goodness ,i had some ,indian meal1 of which ,i made little cakes1 and fried them4 ,and ,i felt contented with my circumstances1 and sweetly resigned to ,god4 ,in prayer ,i enjoyed great freedom2 and blessed ,god as much for my present circumstances1 as if ,i had been a king1 and ,i never feel comfortably1 but when ,i find my soul going forth after ,god3 if ,i cannot be holy1 ,i must be miserable for ever4 ,lord's day1 ,august #ba4 ,i fell down before the ,lord1 and groaned under my own vileness1 barrenness1 deadness1 and felt as if ,i was guilty of foul murder1 in speaking to immortal souls in such a manner as ,i had done4,i was very full of pain in the evening2 and my soul mourned that ,i had spent so much time to so little profit4 99,monday1 ,august #bb4 ,i had intense breathings of soul after holiness1 and very clear manifestations of my utter inability to work it in myself4 ,o1 with what tenderness the love and desire of holiness fills the soul6 ,i wanted to wing out of myself to ,god1 or rather to get a conformity to him3 but1 alas6 ,i cannot add to my stature in grace one cubit4 ,however1 my soul can never leave striving for it2 or at least groaning1 that it cannot obtain purity of heart4 99,tuesday1 ,august #bc4 ,i poured out my soul for all the world1 friends1 and enemies4 ,my soul was concerned for ,christ's kingdom that it might appear in the whole earth4 ,and ,i abhorred the very thought of a party in religion6 ,let the truth of ,god appear1 wherever it is2 and ,god have the glory for ever4 ,wednesday1 ,august #bd4 ,i thought1 if ,god should say1 8,you shall in a few days go into eternity10 my soul would leap for joy4 ,o that ,i may both 8desire to be dissolved10 and 8wait patiently all the days of my appointed time till my change come60,but1 alas6 ,i am very unfit for the business and blessedness of heaven4,o for more holiness6 99,thursday1 ,august #be4 ,i find it is impossible to enjoy peace and tranquility of mind without a careful improvement of time4 ,this is really an imitation of ,god and ,christ ,jesus3 8,my father worketh hitherto1 and ,i work10 says our ,lord4 ,and1 if we would be like ,god1 we must see that we fill up our time for him4,i daily long to dwell in perfect light and love4 ,in the mean time1 my soul mourns that ,i make so little preparation for the world of blessedness3 ,i see and know that ,i am a barren tree in ,god's vineyard1 and that he might justly say1 8,cut it down40 ,o that ,god would make me more lively and vigorous in grace1 for his own glory6 ,lord's-day1 ,august #bh4 ,i was much perplexed with some ,dutchmen4 ,all their discourse turned upon the things of the world4 ,oh1 what a hell it would be to spend an eternity with such men6 ,well might ,david say1 8,i beheld the transgressors and was grieved40,but adored be ,god1 heaven is a place 8into which no unclean thing enters40 ,o ,i long for the holiness of that world6 ,lord prepare me for it4 ,wednesday1 ,august #ca4 ,eternal things engrossed all my thoughts2 and ,i longed to be in the world of spirits4 ,o how happy is it1 to have all our thoughts swallowed up in that world2 to feel one's self a stranger in this1 diligently seeking a road through it1 a sure road to the heavenly ,jerusalem6 ,thursday1 ,september #a4 ,i always feel comfortably when ,god realizes death1 and the things of another world to my mind3 whenever my mind is taken off from the things of this world1 and set on ,god1 my soul is at rest4 ,tuesday1 ,september #ac4 ,i rode to ,new-,haven4 99,i find1 though my inward trials are great1 and a life of solitude gives them greater advantages to penetrate the inmost recesses of the soul2 yet it is better to be alone1 than incumbered with noise and tumult4 ,i find it very difficult maintaining a sense of divine things1 while removing from place to place1 diverted with new objects1 and filled with care and business4 ,a settled steady business is best adapted to a life of strict religion4 ,wednesday1 ,september #ad4 ,this day ,i ought to have taken my degree2 but ,god sees fit to deny it me4 ,and though ,i was afraid of being overwhelmed with confusion1 when ,i should see my class-mates take theirs2 yet1 in the very season of it1 ,god enabled me with calmness to say1 8,the will of the ,lord be done40 ,indeed1 ,i have scarcely felt my mind so sedate and comfortable for some time4 ,i have long feared this season1 and expected my humility1 meekness1 patience1 and resignation would be tried3 but found much more pleasure and divine comfort than ,i expected4 ,this being commencement-day4 ,thursday1 ,september #ae4 ,it is always a comfort to me1 to hear spiritual discourse4 ,o that ministers and people were more spiritual and devoted to ,god6,towards night1 ,i offered the following reflections in writing1 to the rector and trustees of the college1 7the same that ,i had offered to the rector before1 and intreated him to accept27 and this ,i did1 that if possible ,i might cut off all occasion of offence1 from those that seek occasion4 duplicate word 8and0 removed 998,whereas ,i have said before several persons1 concerning ,mr4 ,whittelsey1 one of the tutors of ,yale-college1 that ,i did not believe he had any more grace than the chair ,i then leaned upon2 ,i humbly confess that herein ,i have sinned against ,god1 and acted contrary to the rules of his word1 and have injured ,mr4 ,whittelsey4 ,i had no right to make thus free with his character2 and had no just reason to say as ,i did concerning him4 ,my fault herein was the more aggravated1 in that ,i said this concerning one that was so much my superior1 and one that ,i was obliged to treat with special respect and honour1 by reason of the relation ,i stood in to him in the college4 ,such a manner of behaviour1 ,i confess1 did not become a ,christian2 it was taking too much upon me1 and did not favour of that humble respect1 that ,i ought to have expressed towards ,mr4 ,whittelsey4 ,i have often reflected on this act with grief1 on account of the sin of it3 and am willing to lie low1 and be abased before ,god and man for it3 and humbly ask the forgiveness of the governors of the college1 and of the whole society2 but of ,mr4 ,whittelsey in particular4 ,and ,i now appear1 to judge and condemn myself for going once to the separate meeting in ,new-,haven1 though the rector had refused to give me leave4 ,for this ,i humbly ask the rector's forgiveness4 ,and whether the governors of the college shall ever see cause to remove the academical censure ,i lie under1 or no1 yet ,i am willing to appear1 if they think fit1 openly to own1 and to humble myself for those things ,i have herein confessed40 99,god has made me willing to do any thing1 that ,i can do1 consistent with truth1 for the sake of peace1 and that ,i might not be a stumbling-block and offence to others4 ,for this reason ,i can chearfully give up what ,i verily believe1 after the most impartial search1 is my right4 ,god has given me that disposition1 that if this were the case1 that a man has done me an hundred injuries1 and ,i 7though ever so much provoked to it7 have done him one1 ,i am heartily willing humbly to confess my fault to him1 and on my knees to ask forgiveness of him2 though at the same time he should justify himself in all the injuries he has done me1 and should only make use of my humble confession to blacken my character the more1 and represent me as the only person guilty2 yea1 though he should as it were insult me1 and say1 8he knew all this before1 and that ,i was making work for repentance40 ,though what ,i said concerning ,mr4 ,whittelsey was only spoken in private1 to a friend or two2 and being partly overheard1 was related to the rector1 and by him extorted from my friends2 yet1 seeing it was divulged and made public1 ,i was willing to confess my fault therein publickly4 ,i was witness to the very ,christian spirit ,mr4 ,brainerd shewed at that time1 being then at ,new-,haven1 and being one that he saw fit to consult on that occasion4 7,this was the first time that ever ,i had opportunity of personal acquaintance with him47 ,there appeared in him a great degree of calmness and humility2 without the least appearance of rising of spirit for any ill-treatment he had suffered1 or the least backwardness to abase himself before them whom he thought1 had wronged him4 ,what he did was without any appearance of reluctance even in private to his friends4 ,earnest application was made on his behalf to the authority of the college1 that he might have his degree then given him2 and particularly by the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,burr of ,newark1 one of the correspondents of the honourable society in ,scotland2 he being sent from ,new-,jersey to ,new-,haven1 by the rest of the commissioners1 for that end2 and many arguments were used1 but without success4,what manner of spirit were these governors of8 ,do these dare to call themselves ,christians8 ,what is this ,mr4 ,whittelsey8 ,was he worthy to carry ,mr4 ,brainerd's books after him8 ,the next day he went to ,derby2 then to ,southbury1 where he spent the ,sabbath4 ,tuesday1 ,september #bj4 ,i had thoughts of going forward on my journey to my ,indians2 but towards night was taken with a hard pain in my teeth1 and shivering cold1 and could not possibly recover a comfortable decree of warmth the whole night following4 ,i continued very full of pain all night2 and in the morning had a fever1 and pains almost all over my body4 ,i had a sense of the divine goodness in appointing this to be the place of my sickness1 among my friends4 ,i should probably have perished1 if ,i had first got home to my own house in the wilderness1 where ,i have none to converse with but the poor rude ignorant ,indians4 ,i continued thus1 mostly confined to my bed1 till ,friday night2 very full of pain2 but not afraid of death4,on ,friday evening my pains went off suddenly4 ,from this time1 he gradually recovered2 and on the next ,tuesday was able to go forward on his journey2 but was till the ,tuesday following before he reached ,kaunaumeek4 ,tuesday1 ,october #d4 ,this day ,i rode home to my own house and people4 ,the poor ,indians appeared very glad of my return4 ,i presently fell on my knees1 and blessed ,god for my safe return4 ,i have taken many considerable journeys since this time last year1 and yet ,god has never suffered one of my bones to be broken1 or any calamity to befal me1 though ,i have been often exposed to cold and hunger in the wilderness1 where the comforts of life were not to be had2 have frequently been lost in the woods2 and once lay out in the woods all night4 ,lord's-day1 ,october #af4 ,i retired1 and poured out my soul to ,god with much freedom2 and yet in anguish1 to find my soul so unspeakably sinful and unworthy before a holy ,god4 ,i was now much resigned under ,god's dispensations towards me1 though my trials had been very great4 ,but thought whether ,i could be resigned1 if ,god should let the ,french ,indians come upon me1 and deprive me of my life1 or carry me away captive1 7though ,i knew of no special reason then to propose this trial to myself17 and my soul seemed so far to rest in ,god1 that the sting and terror of these things was gone4 ,presently after ,i received the following letter by a messenger sent on purpose4 8,sir1 ,just now we received advices from ,colonel ,stoddard1 that there is the utmost danger of a rupture with ,france4 ,he has received the same from his excellency our governor1 ordering him to give notice to all the exposed places1 that they may secure themselves the best they can against any sudden invasion4 ,we thought best to send directly to ,kaunaumeek1 that you may take the prudentest measures for your safety4 ,i am1 ,sir1 c40 ,i thought1 it came in a good season2 for my heart seemed fixed on ,god1 and therefore ,i was not surprised3 but this news only made me more serious1 and taught me that ,i must not please myself with any of the comforts of life which ,i had been preparing4 ,lord's-day1 ,october #bc4 ,i had some freedom and warmth1 both parts of the day4 ,and my people were very attentive4 ,in the evening1 two or three came to me under concern for their souls2 to whom ,i was enabled to discourse closely1 and with some earnestness4 ,he seems1 through the whole of this week1 to have been greatly engaged to fill up every inch of time in the service of ,god1 and to have been most diligently employed in study1 prayer1 and instructing the ,indians2 and from time to time expresses longings of soul after ,god1 and the advancement of his kingdom4 ,monday1 ,october #ca4 ,my soul was so lifted up to ,god1 that ,i could pour out my desires to him1 for more grace and further degrees of sanctification1 with abundant freedom4 ,i longed to be more abundantly prepared for that blessedness1 with which ,i was then in some measure refreshed4 ,thursday1 ,november #c4 ,i spent this day in secret fasting and prayer1 from morning till night4 ,early in the morning1 ,i had some assistance in prayer4 ,afterwards1 ,i read the story of ,elijah the prophet1 #a ,kings xvii4 xviii4 and xix4 chapters4 ,my soul was much moved1 observing the faith1 zeal1 and power of that holy man2 and how he wrestled with ,god in prayer4 ,i then cried with ,elisha1 8,where is the ,lord ,god of ,elijah60 ,i longed for more faith6 ,my soul breathed after ,god1 and pleaded with him1 that a 8double portion of that spirit10 which was given to ,elijah1 might 8rest on me40 ,and that which was refreshing to my soul1 was1 ,i saw ,god is the same that he was in the days of ,elijah4,i was enabled to wrestle with ,god by prayer1 in a more affectionate1 humble1 and importunate manner1 than ,i have for many months past4 ,nothing seemed too hard for ,god to perform2 nothing too great for me to hope for from him4,i had for many months lost all hopes of doing any special service for ,god in the world2 it appeared entirely impossible1 that one so vile should be thus employed for ,god4 ,but at this time ,god was pleased to revive this hope4,afterwards ,i read the third chapter of ,exodus and on to the xxth1 and saw more of the glory and majesty of ,god discovered in those chapters1 than ever ,i had seen before2 frequently in the mean time falling on my knees1 and crying to ,god for the faith of ,moses1 and for a manifestation of the divine glory4 ,my soul was ardent in prayer1 and ,i was enabled to wrestle for myself1 for my friends1 and for the church of ,god4 ,and ,i felt more desire to see the power of ,god in the conversion of souls1 than ,i have done for a long season4 ,blessed be ,god for this season of fasting and prayer6 ,may his goodness always abide with me1 and draw my soul to him6 99,monday ,november #g4 ,this morning my mind was solemn1 fixed1 affectionate1 and ardent in desires after holiness2 and felt full of tenderness and love2 and my affections seemed to be dissolved into kindness and softness4,my soul longed after ,god1 and cried to him with filial freedom1 reverence1 and boldness4 ,o that ,i might be entirely consecrated and devoted to ,god6 ,thursday1 ,november #aj4 ,i spent this day in fasting and prayer4 ,in the morning ,i was dull and lifeless3 ,but after some time1 reading #b ,kings xix4 chapter1 my soul was moved and affected4 ,i saw there was no way for the afflicted to take1 but to go to ,god with all their sorrows4 ,hezekiah1 in his great distress1 went and spread his complaint before the ,lord4 ,i was then enabled to see the mighty power of ,god1 and my extreme need of that power2 and to cry to ,god affectionately and ardently for his power to be exercised towards me4 ,the remaining part of this week1 and the two following weeks1 he was very ill1 and full of pain2 and yet obliged1 to be at great fatigues1 travelling day and night1 in stormy and severe seasons4 ,he from time to time1 within this space1 speaks of out-goings of soul after ,god2 his heart strengthened in ,god2 seasons of divine sweetness and comfort4 ,and yet there are many complaints of lifelessness1 distance from ,god1 and unprofitableness4 ,but still there appears a constant care1 from day to day1 not to lose time1 but to employ it all for ,god4 ,tuesday1 ,november #bi4 ,i began to study the ,indian tongue1 with ,mr4 ,sergeant at ,stockbridge4,i was perplexed for want of more retirement4,i love to live alone in my own little cottage1 where ,i can spend much time in prayer4 8,stockbrige0 replaced with 8,stockbridge0 ,the commissioners had directed him to spend much time this winter with ,mr4 ,sergeant1 to learn the language of the ,indians2 which necessitated him very often to ride1 backwards and forwards1 twenty miles through the uninhabited woods between ,stockbridge and ,kaunaumeek4 ,this many times exposed him to extreme hardship in that severe season4 ,monday1 ,december #e4 ,i rode to ,stockbridge1 but was almost outdone with the extreme cold4 ,i had some refreshing meditations by the way2 but was barren and lifeless1 much of the day4 ,thus my days roll away1 with but little done for ,god2 and this is my burden4 ,tuesday1 ,december #f4 ,i was perplexed to see the vanity and levity of professed ,christians3 but ,i spent the evening with a ,christian friend1 that was able to sympathize with me in my spiritual conflicts4 99,thursday1 ,december #h4 ,my mind was lost with different affections4 ,i was looking round in the world1 to see if there was not some happiness to be derived from it4 ,god1 and some objects in the world seemed each to invite my heart1 and my soul seemed to be distracted between them4 ,i have not been so beset for a long time3 with relation to some objects which ,i thought myself most dead to4 ,but while ,i was desiring to please myself with any thing below1 sorrow and perplexity attended the first motions of desire4,i found no peace or deliverance from distraction1 till ,i found access to the throne of grace2 and as soon as ,i had any sense of ,god1 the allurements of the world vanished4 ,but my soul mourned over my folly1 that ,i should desire any pleasure1 but in ,god4 ,god forgive my spiritual idolatry4 ,thursday1 ,december #bb4 ,i spent this day alone in fasting and prayer1 and reading in ,god's word the exercises and deliverance of his children4 ,i had realizing apprehensions of divine power1 grace1 and holiness2 and also of the unchangeableness of ,god1 that he is the same as he was when he delivered his saints of old out of tribulation4 ,my soul was sundry times in prayer enlarged for ,god's church and people4 ,o that ,zion might become the 8joy of the whole earth60 ,monday1 ,december #bf4 ,i rode down to ,stockbridge1 but was very much fatigued with my journey1 wherein ,i underwent great hardship3 being very wet by falling into a river4 ,i spent the day without much sense of divine things2 but perplexed with wandering thoughts4 ,thursday1 ,december #bi4 ,i spent the day mainly in conversing with friends2 yet enjoyed little satisfaction1 because ,i could find but few disposed to converse of heavenly things4 ,alas what are the things of this world1 to afford satisfaction to the soul6,i blessed ,god for retirement1 and that ,i am not always exposed to company4 ,o that ,i could live 8in the secret of ,god's presence60 ,friday1 ,december #cj4 ,i was in a solemn devout frame and wondered that earth with all its charms1 should ever allure me in the least degree4 ,o that ,i could always realize the being and holiness of ,god6 ,saturday1 ,december #ca4 ,i rode from ,stockbridge home3 the air was clear and calm1 but as cold as ever ,i felt it4 ,i was in great danger of perishing by the extremity of the season4 ,lord's-day1 ,january #a1 #agdcd4 ,of a truth ,god has been gracious to me the past year1 though he has caused me to pass through many sorrows2 he has provided for me bountifully1 so that ,i have been enabled in about fifteen month's past1 to bestow to charitable uses about an hundred pounds4 ,blessed be the ,lord1 that has so far used me as his steward to distribute a portion of his goods4 ,may ,i always remember1 that all ,i have comes from ,god4 ,blessed be the ,lord1 that has carried me through all the toils1 fatigues1 and hardships of the year past4 ,o that ,i could begin this year with ,god1 and spend the whole of it to his glory1 either in life or death6 ,tuesday1 ,january #c4 ,my time passes away so swiftly1 that ,i am astonished when ,i reflect how little ,i do in it4 ,my state of solitude does not make the hours hang heavy upon my hands4 ,o what reason of thankfulness have ,i on account of this retirement6 ,i do not1 and it seems ,i cannot1 lead a ,christian life when ,i am abroad1 and cannot spend time in devotion1 ,christian conversation1 and meditation4 ,those weeks that ,i am obliged to be from home1 in order to learn the ,indian tongue1 are mostly spent in barrenness4 ,when ,i return home1 and give myself to meditation1 prayer1 and fasting1 a new scene opens1 and my soul longs for mortification1 self-denial1 humility1 and divorcement from all the things of the world4 99,wednesday1 ,january #d4 ,time appeared a moment1 life a vapour1 and all its enjoyments as empty bubbles1 and fleeting blasts of wind4 99,friday1 ,january #f4 ,feeling my extreme weakness1 and want of grace1 ,i set apart this day for fasting and prayer1 neither eating nor drinking from evening to evening4 ,and my soul intensely longed1 that the dreadful spots and stains of sin may be washed away4 ,my mind was greatly fixed on divine things3 my resolutions for a life of mortification1 continual watchfulness1 self-denial1 seriousness1 and devotion to ,god1 were strong and fixed2 my desires ardent and intense3 my conscience tender and afraid of every appearance of evil4 ,my soul was grieved with the reflection on my past levity1 and want of resolution for ,god4 ,i solemnly renewed my dedication of myself to ,god1 and longed for grace to enable me always to keep covenant with him4 ,saturday1 ,january #ad4 ,this morning ,i enjoyed a solemn season in prayer3 my soul seemed enlarged1 to pour out itself to ,god for grace1 and for every blessing ,i wanted1 for myself1 my dear ,christian friends1 and for the church of ,god2 and ,i was so enabled to see him who is invisible1 that my soul rested upon him for the performance of every thing ,i asked4 ,it was my happiness1 to 8continue instant in prayer40 ,my soul was 8strong in the ,lord1 and in the power of his might40 ,i longed exceedingly for angelic holiness1 and to have all my thoughts1 at all times employed in heavenly things4 ,o how blessed is an heavenly temper6 ,o how unspeakably blessed it is to feel a measure of that rectitude1 in which we were at first created6 ,the next day he speaks of some glimpses he had of the divine glories2 but seems to be filled with fears lest he should return to a life of vanity1 to please himself with some of the enjoyments of this world2 and speaks of his being much troubled that he should address immortal souls with no more ardency and desire of their salvation4 ,saturday1 ,february #d4 ,i enjoyed freedom and spiritual refreshment2 was enabled to pray with fervency1 and longing desires for ,zion's prosperity1 and my faith and hope seem to take hold of ,god1 for the performance of what ,i was enabled to plead for4 ,sanctification in myself1 and the ingathering of ,god's elect1 was all my desire2 and the hope of its accomplishment1 all my joy4 ,monday1 ,february #f4 ,this morning1 my soul was strengthened in ,god1 and found sweet repose in him2 longing especially for the complete mortification of sensuality and pride1 and for resignation to ,god's dispensations1 at all times1 as through grace ,i felt it at this time4 ,and ,i did not desire deliverance from any difficulty1 unless ,god was willing4 ,tuesday1 ,february #g4 ,i was much engaged in meditation on the powers and affections of the godly soul in their pursuit of their beloved object3 wrote something of the native language of spiritual sensation1 in its soft and tender whispers2 declaring1 that it now 8feels and tastes that the ,lord is gracious20 that he is the supreme good1 the only satisfying happiness2 that he is a complete1 sufficient1 and ,almighty portion3 saying1 998,whom have ,i in heaven but thee8 ,and there is none upon earth that ,i desire besides thee4 ,o1 ,i feel it is heaven to please him1 and to be just what he would have me to be6 ,o that my soul were holy1 as he is holy6 ,o that it were pure1 even as ,christ is pure3 and perfect1 as my ,father in heaven is perfect6 ,these1 ,i feel1 are the sweetest commands in ,god's book1 comprising all others4 ,and shall ,i break them6 ,must ,i break them6 ,am ,i under a necessity of it as long as ,i live in the world6 ,o my soul1 wo1 wo is me that ,i am a sinner1 because ,i grieve and offend this blessed ,god1 who is infinite in goodness and grace6 ,oh methinks1 if he would punish me for my sins1 it would not wound my heart so deep to offend him3 but though ,i sin continually1 yet he continually repeats his kindness to me6 ,i could bear any suffering2 but how can ,i bear to grieve and dishonour this blessed ,god6 ,how shall ,i yield ten thousand times more honour to him8 ,what shall ,i do to glorify this best of beings8 ,o that ,i could consecrate myself1 soul and body1 to his service for ever6 ,o that ,i give up myself to him1 so as never more to attempt to be my own1 or to have any will or affections that are not perfectly conformed to him6 ,but1 alas1 alas6 ,i cannot be thus entirely devoted to ,god4 ,o ye angels1 do ye glorify him incessantly2 and if possible1 prostrate yourselves lower before the blessed ,king of ,heaven6 ,i long to bear a part with you2 and1 if it were possible1 to help you4 ,oh1 when we have done all that we can1 to all eternity1 we shall not be able to offer the ten thousandth part of the homage that the glorious ,god deserves60 ,no4 8confirmed0 replaced with 8conformed0 per ,errata ,you may as sure as ,god is true4 ,thursday1 ,february #i4 ,i observed this day as a day of fasting and prayer1 intreating of ,god to bestow upon me his blessing and grace3 especially to enable me to live a life of mortification to the world1 as well as of resignation and patience4 ,i enjoyed a realizing sense of divine power and goodness in prayer3 and was enabled to roll the burden of myself and friends1 and of ,zion1 upon the goodness of ,god4 ,friday1 ,february #aj4 ,i was exceedingly oppressed with shame1 grief1 and fear1 under a sense of my past folly4 ,when ,god sets before me my past misconduct1 especially any instances of misguided zeal1 it sinks my soul into shame and confusion4,i have no confidence to hold up my face1 even before my fellow-worms2 but only when my soul confides in ,god1 and ,i find the sweet temper of ,christ1 the spirit of humility1 solemnity1 and mortification1 and resignation1 alive in my soul4 ,monday1 ,february #ac4 ,i rode to ,stockbridge1 and had a more refreshing taste of heavenly blessedness1 than ,i have enjoyed for many months past4 ,i have many times1 of late1 felt as ardent desires of holiness as ever2 but not so much sense of the unspeakable pleasure of heaven4 ,my soul longed to leave earth1 and bear a part with angels in their celestial employments4 ,my soul said1 8,lord1 it is good to be here20 and it appeared to me better to die1 than to lose the relish of these heavenly delights4 ,wednesday1 ,february #bb4 ,i had as clear a sense of the pollution of my nature1 as ever ,i had in my life4 ,i appeared to myself inexpressibly lothsome2 sins of childhood1 of early youth1 and such follies as ,i had not thought of for years together1 came fresh to my view1 as if committed but yesterday4 ,yet ,i was supported under my burdens2 and found it was comfortable to lean on ,god4 99,friday1 ,march #b4 ,i never felt so much love to my enemies1 7though at that time ,i found such a disposition1 that ,i scarce knew how to think that any such thing as enmity lodged in any soul2 it seemed as if all the world must needs be friends27 and never prayed with more freedom and delight1 for myself1 or dearest friend1 than ,i did now for them4 99,saturday1 ,march #c4 ,i spent an hour in prayer1 with great freedom1 and with the most soft and tender affection towards mankind4 ,i longed that those who owe me ill-will1 might be eternally happy3 it seemed refreshing1 to think of meeting them in heaven1 how much soever they had injured me on earth3 ,i had no disposition to insist upon any confession from them1 in order to reconciliation1 and the exercise of love and kindness to them4 ,o it is an emblem of heaven1 to love all the world with a love of kindness and benevolence2 to feel our souls sedate1 mild and meek2 to be void of all evil-surmisings and suspicions1 scarce able to think evil of any man2 to find our hearts1 simple1 open and free1 to those that look upon us with a different eye4 99,lord's-day1 ,march #d4 ,i enjoyed the same intenseness in prayer as yesterday1 felt the same spirit of love1 universal benevolence1 forgiveness1 humility1 resignation1 mortification to the world1 and composure of mind4 8,my soul rested in ,god20 and ,i found1 ,i wanted no other refuge or friend4 ,while my soul thus trusts in ,god1 all things seem to be at peace with me1 even the stones of the earth2 but when ,i cannot confide in ,god1 all things appear with a different aspect4 99,saturday1 ,march #aj4 ,i felt exceeding dead to the world1 and all its enjoyments3 ,i was ready to give up life and all its comforts1 as soon as called to it2 and yet then had as much comfort of life as almost ever ,i had4 ,life itself appeared but an empty bubble2 the riches1 honours1 and enjoyments of it extremely tasteless4 ,i longed to be perpetually and entirely crucified to all things here below4 ,my soul was sweetly resigned to ,god's disposal of me1 in every regard2 and ,i saw1 there had nothing happened to me but what was best for me4 ,i confided in ,god1 that he would 8never leave me10 though ,i should 8walk through the valley of the shadow of death40 ,it was 8my meat and drink to be holy1 to live to the ,lord1 and to die to the ,lord40 ,and ,i then enjoyed such an heaven1 as far exceeded the most sublime conceptions of an unregenerate soul2 and even unspeakably beyond what ,i myself could conceive at another time4 ,i did not wonder1 that ,peter said1 8,lord it is good to be here10 when thus refreshed with divine glories4 ,my soul was full of love and tenderness in the duty of intercession2 especially of sweet affection to some godly ministers4 ,i prayed earnestly for those ,i have reason to fear are my enemies2 and could not have spoken a word of bitterness1 or entertained a bitter thought1 against the vilest man living4 ,i had a sense of my own great unworthiness4 ,my soul seemed to breathe forth love and praise to ,god afresh1 when ,i thought he would let his children love and receive me as one of their brethren and fellow-citizens2 and when ,i thought of their treating me in that manner1 ,i longed to lie at their feet2 and could think of no way to express the sincerity and simplicity of my love and esteem of them1 as being much better than myself4,i longed to get on my knees1 and ask forgiveness of every body that ever had seen any thing amiss in my past conduct1 especially in my religious zeal4 ,lord's-day1 ,march #aa4 ,i had some freedom1 affection1 and fervency in addressing my poor people2 longing that ,god should take hold of their hearts4 ,and indeed ,i had so much to say to them1 that ,i knew not how to leave off speaking4 ,this was the last ,sabbath that ever he performed public service at ,kaunaumeek1 and these the last sermons that ever he preached there4 ,monday1 ,march #ab4 ,my spirit was full of quietness1 and love to mankind2 and ,i longed that peace should reign on the earth3 ,i was grieved at the very thoughts of a fiery1 angry1 and intemperate zeal in religion2 mourned over my past follies2 and confided in ,god for grace sufficient for my future work and trials4,spent the day mainly in hard labour1 making preparation for my intended journey4 ,wednesday1 ,march #ad4 ,i enjoyed some intenseness of soul in prayer1 repeating my petitions for ,god's presence in every place1 and besought the ,lord that ,i might not be too much pleased with my dear friends and acquaintance4 ,near ten ,i set out on my journey1 and before night came to ,stockbridge4 ,thursday1 ,march #ae4 ,i rode down to ,sheffield4 ,here ,i met a messenger from ,east-,hampton on ,long-,island2 who by the unanimous vote of that large town1 was sent to invite me thither1 in order to settle with that people2 ,i knew not what to do2 but endeavoured to commit the cause to ,god4 ,the two next days1 he went no farther than ,salisbury1 being hindered by the rain4 ,when he came there1 he was much indisposed4,he speaks of comfortable and profitable conversation with ,christian friends1 on these days4 ,lord's day1 ,march #ah4 ,at ,salisbury ,i was exceeding weak and faint1 so that ,i could scarce walk3 but ,god was pleased to afford me much freedom1 clearness1 and fervency in preaching4,here another messenger met me1 and informed me of the vote of another congregation1 to give me an invitation to come among them4 ,i was something exercised in mind4 ,o that ,god would 8send forth faithful labourers into his harvest60 ,after this1 he went forward on his journey towards ,new-,york and ,new-,jersey3 in which he proceeded slowly2 performing his journey under great bodily indisposition4 ,however1 he preached several times by the way1 in which he had considerable assistance3 he speaks of comfort in conversation with ,christian friends2 but yet complains of a decline of vivacity1 by means of his constant removal from place to place1 and want of retirement4 ,he came to ,new-,york on ,wednesday1 ,march #bh1 and to ,elisabeth-,town on the ,saturday following1 where it seems he waited till the commissioners came together4 ,thursday1 ,april #e4 ,i attended on the commissioners in their meeting1 and resolved to go on still with the ,indian affair1 if divine providence permitted2 although ,i had before felt some inclination to go to ,east-,hampton4 ,the ,indians at ,kaunaumeek being but few in number1 and ,mr4 ,brainerd having now been labouring among them about a year1 and having prevailed upon them to leave ,kaunaumeek1 and remove to ,stockbridge1 to live constantly under ,mr4 ,sergeant's ministry2 he thought he might now do more service for ,christ among the ,indians elsewhere3 and therefore went this journey to ,new-,jersey to lay the matter before the commissioners2 who met at ,elisabeth-,town1 on this occasion1 and determined that he should forthwith leave ,kaunaumeek1 and go to the ,delaware ,indians4 ,by the invitations ,mr4 ,brainerd lately received1 it appears that it was not from necessity1 or for want of opportunities to settle among the ,english1 that he was determined to forsake all outward comforts1 and to go and spend his life among the brutish savages4 ,he had1 just as he was leaving ,kaunaumeek1 an earnest invitation to a settlement at ,east-,hampton on ,long-,island1 the fairest1 pleasantest town on the whole island1 and one of its largest and most wealthy parishes4 ,the people there were unanimous in their desires to have him for their pastor1 and for a long time continued in an earnest pursuit of it4 ,besides he had an invitation to ,millington2 which was near his native town1 and in the midst of his friends4 ,nor did ,mr4 ,brainerd chuse the business of a missionary1 rather than accept of those invitations1 because he was unacquainted with the difficulties and sufferings which attended such a service3 for he had had experience of these difficulties in summer and winter3 having spent about a twelvemonth in a lonely desert among these savages1 where he had gone through extreme hardships1 a train of outward and inward sorrows4 ,notwithstanding all these things1 he chose still to go on2 and that although the place he was now going to1 was at a much greater distance from most of his friends1 acquaintance1 and native land4 8was0 replaced with 8was not0 per ,errata ,after this1 he continued two or three days in the ,jerseys1 very ill2 and then returned to ,new-,york2 and from thence into ,new-,england1 to his native town of ,haddam2 where he arrived on ,saturday1 ,april #ad4 8he0 replaced with 8the0 99,tuesday1 ,april #ag4 ,i found more of ,god's presence1 than ,i have done any time in my late wearisome journey4 ,eternity appeared very near2 my nature was very weak1 and seemed ready to be dissolved2 the sun declining1 and the shadows of the evening drawing on a pace4 ,o ,i longed to fill up the remaining moments all for ,god6 ,though my body was so feeble1 and wearied with preaching1 and private conversation1 yet ,i wanted to sit up all the night to do something for ,god4 ,to ,god1 the giver of these refreshments1 be glory for ever and ever4 ,after this1 he visited several ministers in ,connecticut2 and then travelled towards ,kaunaumeek1 and came to ,mr4 ,sergeant's at ,stockbridge1 ,thursday1 ,april #bf4 ,friday and ,saturday1 ,april #bg1 and #bh4 ,i spent some time in discoursing with my people1 who were now moved down from their own place to ,mr4 ,sergeant's4 ,monday1 ,april #cj4 ,i rode to ,kaunaumeek1 but was extremely ill2 and did not enjoy the comfort ,i hoped for in my own house4 ,tuesday1 ,may #a4 ,having received new orders to go to the ,indians on ,delaware river in ,pennsylvania1 and my people here being mostly removed to ,mr4 ,sergeant's1 ,i this day took all my clothes1 books1 c4 and disposed of them1 and set out for ,delaware river3 but made it my way to return to ,mr4 ,sergeant's2 which ,i did this day1 just at night4 ,i rode several hours in the rain through the howling wilderness1 although ,i was so disordered in body1 that little or nothing but blood came from me4 8,serjeant's0 replaced with 8,sergeant's0 ,tuesday1 ,may #h4 ,i spent much of my time1 while riding1 in prayer1 that ,god would go with me to ,delaware4 ,my heart sometimes was ready to sink with the thoughts of my work1 and going alone in the wilderness1 ,i knew not where3 but still it was comfortable1 to think1 that others of ,god's children had 8wandered about in caves and dens of the earth30 and ,abraham1 when he was called to go forth1 8went out1 not knowing whither he went40 ,the next day1 he went forward on his journey2 crossed ,hudson's river1 and went to ,goshen in the ,highlands2 and so travelled across the woods1 from ,hudson's river to ,delaware1 about an hundred miles1 through a desolate and hideous country1 above ,new-,jersey2 where were very few settlements3 in which journey he suffered much fatigue and hardship4 ,he visited some ,indians in the way1 and discoursed with them concerning ,christianity1 but was melancholy and disconsolate1 being alone in a strange wilderness4 ,on ,saturday1 he came to a settlement of ,irish and ,dutch people1 about twelve miles above the ,forks of ,delaware4 ,see ,mr4 ,brainerd's ,narrative1 in a letter to ,mr4 ,pemberton4 ,on ,may #aj4 ,i met with a number of ,indians in a place called ,minnissinks1 about an hundred and forty miles from ,kaunaumeek1 and directly in my way to ,delaware river4 ,with these ,indians ,i spent some time1 and first addressed their king in a friendly manner2 and after some discourse1 ,i told him ,i had a desire to instruct them in ,christianity4 ,at which he laughed1 turned his back upon me1 and went away4 ,i then addressed another principal man in the same manner1 who said he was willing to hear me4 ,after some time1 ,i followed the king into his house1 and renewed my discourse to him3 but he declined talking1 and left the affair to another1 who appeared to be a rational man4 ,he talked very warmly near a quarter of an hour1 and inquired why ,i desired the ,indians to become ,christians1 seeing the ,christians were so much worse than the ,indians8 ,the ,christians1 he said1 would lie1 steal1 and drink1 worse than the ,indians4 ,it was they first taught the ,indians to be drunk2 and they stole from one another1 to that degree1 that their rulers were obliged to hang them for it1 and that was not sufficient to deter others from the like practice4 ,but the ,indians1 he added1 were none of them ever hanged for stealing1 and yet they did not steal half so much2 and he supposed that if the ,indians should become ,christians1 they then would be as bad as these4 ,he added1 they would live as their fathers lived1 and go where their fathers were when they died4 ,i then freely owned1 lamented1 and joined with him in condemning the ill conduct of some who are called ,christians2 told him1 these were not ,christians in heart2 that ,i hated such wicked practices1 and did not desire the ,indians to become such as these4,and when he appeared calmer1 ,i asked him if he was willing that ,i should come and see them again3 he replied1 he should be willing to see me again1 as a friend1 if ,i would not desire them to become ,christians4,i then bid them farewell1 and prosecuted my journey towards ,delaware4 ,and ,may #acth ,i arrived at a place called by the ,indians1 ,sakhauwotung1 within the ,forks of ,delaware in ,pennsylvania4 ,here also when ,i came to the ,indians1 ,i saluted their king1 in a manner ,i thought most engaging3 and soon after informed him of my desire to instruct them in the ,christian religion4 ,after he had consulted a few minutes with two or three old men1 he told me1 he was willing to hear4 ,i then preached to those few that were present2 who appeared very attentive4 ,and the king in particular seemed both to wonder1 and at the same time to be well pleased with what ,i taught them1 respecting the divine being4 ,and since that time he has ever shewn himself friendly to me1 giving me free liberty to preach in his house whenever ,i think fit4,here therefore ,i spent the greater part of the summer1 preaching usually in the king's house4 ,the number of ,indians in this place is but small2 most of those that formerly belonged here1 are removed farther back in the country4 ,there are not more than ten houses hereabouts1 that continue to be inhabited2 and some of these are several miles distant from others1 which makes it difficult for the ,indians to meet together so frequently as could be desired4 ,when ,i first began to preach here1 the number of hearers was very small2 often not exceeding twenty or twenty-five persons3 but towards the latter part of the summer1 their number increased1 so that ,i have frequently had forty persons1 or more1 at once3 and often the most of those belonging to these parts4 ,lord's-day1 ,may #ac4 ,i rose early2 felt very poorly after my long journey1 and after being wet and fatigued4 ,i had scarce ever seen such a gloomy morning in my life3 there appeared to be no ,sabbath3 the children were all at play2 ,i a stranger in the wilderness1 and knew not where to go2 and all circumstances seemed to conspire to render my affairs dark and discouraging4 ,i mourned after the presence of ,god1 and seemed like a creature banished from his sight6 ,yet he was pleased to support my sinking soul1 amidst all my sorrows2 so that ,i never entertained any thought of quitting my business among the poor ,indians2 but was comforted1 to think1 that death would ere long set me free from these distresses4,i rode about three or four miles to the ,irish people1 where ,i found some that appeared sober and concerned about religion4 ,my heart then began to be a little encouraged3 ,i went and preached first to the ,irish1 and then to the ,indians3 and in the evening ,i was a little comforted2 my soul seemed to rest on ,god and take courage4 ,o that the ,lord would be my support and comforter in an evil world6 ,monday1 ,may #ad4 ,i felt myself loose from all the world2 all appeared 8vanity and vexation of spirit40 ,i seemed lonesome1 as if ,i was banished from all mankind1 and bereaved of all that is called pleasant in the world2 but appeared to myself so vile and unworthy1 it seemed fitter for me to be here than anywhere4 ,thursday1 ,may #ag4 ,i was greatly distressed with a sense of my vileness2 appearing to myself too bad to walk on ,god's earth4 ,god was pleased to let me see my inward pollution to such a degree1 that ,i almost despaired of being made holy4 ,in the afternoon ,i met with the ,indians1 according to appointment1 and preached to them4 ,and while riding to them1 ,i seemed to confide in ,god2 and afterwards had some enlargement in prayer2 vital piety and holiness appeared sweet to me1 and ,i longed for the perfection of it4 ,lord's-day1 ,may #bj4 ,i preached twice to the poor ,indians1 and enjoyed some freedom in speaking4 ,my soul longed for assistance from above1 all the while2 for ,i saw ,i had no strength for that work4 ,afterwards ,i preached to the ,irish people2 and several seemed much concerned1 with whom ,i discoursed afterwards with freedom and power4 ,blessed be ,god for any assistance to an unworthy worm4 ,lord's-day1 ,may #bg4 ,i visited my ,indians in the morning1 and attending upon a funeral among them1 was affected to see their ,heathenish practices4 ,o that they might be 8turned from darkness to light60 ,afterwards ,i got a considerable number of them together1 and preached to them2 and observed them very attentive4 ,i then preached to the white people1 and several seemed much concerned2 especially one who had been educated a ,roman catholic4 ,blessed be the ,lord for any help4 ,monday1 ,june #aa4 ,this day the presbytery met at ,newark1 in order to my ordination4 ,i was very weak and disordered in body2 yet endeavoured to repose my confidence in ,god4 ,at three in the afternoon ,i preached my probation-sermon1 from ,acts xxvi4 #ag1 #ah1 being a text given me for that end4 ,afterwards ,i passed an examination before the presbytery4 ,my mind was burdened with the greatness of that charge ,i was about to take upon me3 so that ,i could not sleep this night1 though very weary and in great need of rest4 ,tuesday1 ,june #ab4 ,i was this morning further examined1 respecting my experimental acquaintance with ,christianity4 ,at ten o'clock my ordination was attended4 ,i was affected with a sense of the important trust committed to me2 yet was composed1 and solemn1 without distraction3 and ,i then 7as many times before7 gave myself up to ,god1 to be for him1 and not for another4 ,o that ,i might always be engaged in the service of ,god1 and duly remember the solemn charge ,i have received1 in the presence of ,god1 angels1 and men4 8he0 replaced with 8be0 ,,part ,,vi4 ,from his ordination1 till he began to preach to the ,indians at ,crosweeksung4 ,,thursday1 ,june #ad4 ,i wondered1 that ,god should open the hearts of any to treat me with kindness3 and saw myself to be unworthy of any favour1 from ,god or men4 ,i had much pain in my head2 however ,i determined to set out on my journey towards ,delaware2 but in the afternoon my pain increased1 so that ,i was obliged to take to my bed2 and the night following1 ,i was greatly distressed with pain and sickness1 and almost bereaved of reason4 ,on ,saturday ,i was something relieved2 but unable to walk1 till the ,monday following4 ,i often admired the goodness of ,god1 that he did not suffer me to proceed on my journey from this place where ,i was so tenderly used4,god is very gracious to me1 both in health and sickness1 and intermingles much mercy with all my afflictions4 ,on ,tuesday1 ,june #ai4 ,he set out1 and in three days reached his place1 near the ,forks of ,delaware4 99,lord's-day1 ,june #bd4 ,i was scarce able to walk3 however1 visited my ,indians1 and took much pains to instruct them4 ,but my mind was much burdened with the weight of my work4 ,my whole dependence was on ,god2 who alone ,i saw could make them willing to receive instruction4 ,my heart was much engaged in prayer1 sending up silent requests to ,god1 even while ,i was speaking to them4 ,o that ,i could always go in the strength of the ,lord6 ,monday1 ,june #be4 ,to an eye of reason every thing that respects the conversion of the ,heathen is as dark as midnight2 and yet ,i cannot but hope in ,god1 for the accomplishment of something glorious among them4 ,i longed much for the advancement of the ,redeemer's kingdom on earth1 and was very fearful lest ,i should admit some vain thought1 and so lose the sense ,i had of divine things4 ,o for an abiding heavenly temper6 99,tuesday1 ,june #bf4 ,i was much discouraged with the extreme difficulty of the work2 yet ,god supported me2 and though the work of their conversion appeared 8impossible with man1 yet with ,god0 ,i saw 8all things were possible40 ,i was much assisted in prayer1 especially for the poor ,heathen1 and those of my own charge3 and hoped that ,god would bow the heavens and come down for their salvation4 ,it seemed to me1 there could be no impediment sufficient to obstruct that glorious work1 seeing the living ,god was engaged for it4 ,i continued solemnly lifting up my heart to ,god1 that ,i might be more mortified to this world1 that my soul might be taken up continually in the advancement of ,christ's kingdom3 and longed that ,god would purge me more1 that ,i might be as a chosen vessel to bear his name among the ,heathens4 ,wednesday1 ,june #bg4 ,in the afternoon1 ,i rode several miles to see if ,i could procure any lands for the poor ,indians1 that they might live together1 and be under better advantages for instruction4 ,while ,i was riding1 ,i had a deep sense of the difficulty of my work2 and my soul relied wholly upon ,god for success1 in the diligent and faithful use of means4 ,i saw with the greatest certainty1 that the arm of the ,lord must be revealed1 for the help of these poor ,heathen1 if ever they were delivered from the bondage of the powers of darkness4 ,thursday1 ,june #bh4 ,towards noon ,i rode up to the ,indians2 and while going1 my heart went up to ,god in prayer for them2 ,i could freely tell ,god1 he knew the cause was not mine1 but his own1 and it would be for his own glory to convert the poor ,indians3 and blessed be ,god4 ,i felt no desire of honour from the world1 as the instrument of it4 ,saturday1 ,june #cj4 ,my soul was much solemnized in reading ,god's word2 especially the ninth chapter of ,daniel4 99,i saw how ,god had called out his servants to prayer1 and made them wrestle with him1 when he designed to bestow any great mercy on his church4 ,and ,i was ashamed of myself1 to think of my dulness and inactivity1 when there seemed to be so much to do for the upbuilding of ,zion4 ,oh1 how does ,zion lie waste6 ,i longed1 that the church of ,god might be enlarged3 and was enabled to pray in faith2 my soul seemed sensibly to confide in ,god1 and was enabled to wrestle with him4 ,afterwards1 ,i walked abroad to a place of sweet retirement1 and enjoyed assistance in prayer again3 had a sense of my great need of divine help1 and felt my soul sensibly depend on ,god4 99,lord's day1 ,july #a4 ,after ,i came to the ,indians1 my mind was confused2 and ,i felt nothing of that sweet reliance on ,god1 that my soul has been comforted with in days past4 ,in the afternoon ,i felt still barren1 when ,i began to preach2 ,i seemed to myself to know nothing1 and to have nothing to say to the ,indians2 but soon after1 ,i found in myself a spirit of love1 and warmth1 and power2 and ,god helped me to plead with them1 to 8turn from all the vanities of the ,heathen1 to the living ,god30 ,i am persuaded1 the ,lord touched their consciences2 for ,i never saw such attention in them before4 ,when ,i came away1 ,i spent the whole time ,i was riding1 in prayer and praise to ,god4 ,and after ,i had rode two miles1 it came into my mind to dedicate myself to ,god again3 which ,i did with great solemnity1 and unspeakable satisfaction2 especially giving up myself to him anew in the work of the ministry4 ,and this ,i did without any exception or reserve2 not in the least shrinking back from any difficulties1 that might attend this blessed work4 ,i was most free1 chearful1 and full in this dedication of myself4 ,my whole soul cried1 8,lord1 to thee ,i dedicate myself3 ,o accept of me1 and let me be thine for ever4 ,lord1 ,i desire nothing else2 ,i desire nothing more4 ,o come1 come ,lord1 accept a poor worm4 #8,whom have ,i in heaven but thee8 ,and there is none upon earth1 that ,i desire besides thee4'0 ,after this1 ,i was enabled to praise ,god with my whole soul1 that he had enabled me to devote and consecrate all my powers to him in this solemn manner4 ,my heart rejoiced in my particular work as a missionary2 rejoiced in my necessity of self-denial2 and still continued to give up myself to ,god1 and implore mercy of him2 praying incessantly1 every moment1 with sweet fervency4 ,my nature being very weak of late1 was now considerably overcome3 my fingers grew very feeble1 and numb1 so that ,i could scarcely stretch them out strait2 and when ,i lighted from my horse ,i could hardly walk1 my joints seeming all to be loosed4 ,but ,i felt abundant strength in the inner man4 ,i preached to the white people1 and ,god helped me much4 ,sundry of my poor ,indians were so moved as to come to meeting also2 and one appeared much concerned4 ,tuesday1 ,july #c4 ,this morning1 ,i was enabled to pray under a feeling sense of my need of help1 to plead with ,god a considerable time4 ,truly ,god is good to me4 ,but my soul was grieved at my sinfulness and barrenness1 and longed to be more engaged for ,god4 ,o it is sweet to be the ,lord's1 to be sensibly devoted to him6 ,what a blessed portion is ,god6 ,how glorious1 how lovely6 ,o my soul longed to employ my time wholly for ,god6,in the evening1 ,i was enabled again to wrestle with ,god in prayer with fervency to maintain a self-diffident and watchful frame of spirit1 jealous and afraid lest ,i should admit carelessness or self-confidence4 8barreness0 replaced with 8barrenness0 ,friday1 ,july #f4 ,i am of late1 most of all concerned for ministerial qualifications1 and the conversion of the ,heathen2 last year1 ,i longed to be prepared for a world of glory1 and speedily to depart out of this world2 but of late1 my chief concern is for the conversion of the ,heathen1 and for that end1 ,i long to live4 ,but blessed be ,god1 ,i have less desire to live for any of the pleasures of the world1 than ever ,i had3 ,i long and love to be a pilgrim2 and want grace to imitate the life1 labours and sufferings of ,st4 ,paul among the ,heathen4 ,and when ,i long for holiness now1 it is chiefly1 that whereby ,i may become an 8able minister of the ,new ,testament10 especially to the ,heathen4 ,i spent two hours this morning in reading and prayer2 and was in a watchful tender frame1 afraid of every thing that might cool my affections1 and draw away my heart from ,god4 99,lord's day1 ,july #h4 ,i was watchful1 tender1 and jealous of my own heart1 lest ,i should admit carelessness and vain thoughts1 and grieve the blessed ,spirit1 so that he should withdraw his sweet1 kind1 and tender influences4 ,i longed to 8depart1 and be with ,christ10 more than at any time of late4 ,my soul was exceedingly united to the saints of antient times1 as well as those now living2 especially my soul melted for the society of ,elijah and ,elisha4 ,wednesday1 ,july #aa4 ,my soul was diffident1 watchful1 and tender1 lest ,i should offend my blessed ,friend1 in thought or behaviour4 ,i confided in1 and leaned upon the blessed ,god4 ,oh1 what need did ,i see myself to stand in of ,god at all times1 to assist me and lead me6 ,saturday1 ,july #ba4 ,towards night my burden respecting my work among the ,indians began to increase much2 and was aggravated by hearing sundry things that looked very discouraging1 in particular that they intended to meet together the next day for an idolatrous feast and dance4 ,then ,i began to be in anguish3 ,i thought ,i must in conscience go and endeavour to break them up2 and knew not how to attempt such a thing4 ,however ,i withdrew to prayer1 hoping for strength from above4 ,and in prayer ,i was exceedingly enlarged1 and my soul was much drawn out4 ,i pleaded with so much earnestness and importunity1 that when ,i arose from my knees ,i could scarcely walk straight1 my joints were loosed1 the sweat ran down my face and body1 and nature seemed as if it would dissolve4 ,i knew they were met together to worship devils1 and not ,god1 and this made me cry earnestly that ,god would appear1 and help me in my attempts to break up this idolatrous meeting4 ,my soul pleaded long2 and ,i thought ,god would go with me to vindicate his own cause3 and thus ,i spent the evening1 praying incessantly that ,i might not be self-dependent1 but have my whole dependence upon ,god4 ,what ,i passed through was inexpressible4 99,all things here below vanished2 and there appeared to be nothing of any importance to me1 but holiness of heart and life1 and the conversion of the ,heathen to ,god4 ,all my cares1 fears1 and desires1 which might be said to be of a worldly nature1 disappeared2 and were of little more importance than a puff of wind4 ,i exceedingly longed1 that ,god would get to himself a name among the ,heathen2 and ,i appealed to him with the greatest freedom1 that he knew ,i 8preferred him above my chief joy40 ,indeed1 ,i had no notion of joy from this world2 ,i cared not where or how ,i lived1 or what hardships ,i went through1 so that ,i could but gain souls to ,christ4 ,lord's day1 ,july #bb4 ,when ,i waked1 my soul was burdened with what seemed to be before me3 ,i cried to ,god1 before ,i could get out of my bed3 as soon as ,i was dressed1 ,i withdrew into the woods1 to pour out my soul to him for assistance2 and did with unspeakable freedom give up myself afresh to ,god1 for life or death1 for all hardships he should call me to among the ,heathen2 and felt as if nothing could discourage me from this blessed work4 ,i had a strong hope1 that ,god would 8bow the heavens and come down10 and do some marvellous work among the ,heathen4 ,and when ,i was riding to the ,indians1 my heart was continually going up to ,god2 and hoping1 that ,god would make this the day of his power and grace amongst the poor ,indians4 ,when ,i came to them1 ,i found them engaged in their frolic2 but through divine goodness ,i got them to break up and attend my preaching3 yet still there appeared nothing of the special power of ,god among them4 ,i preached again to them in the afternoon2 and observed they were more sober than before2 but still saw nothing special among them2 from whence ,satan took occasion to buffet me with these cursed suggestions1 ,there is no ,god1 or if there be1 he is not able to convert the ,indians1 before they have more knowledge4 ,i was very weak and weary1 and my soul borne down with perplexity2 but was determined still to wait upon ,god4 ,tuesday1 ,july #bd4 ,i rode over a hideous mountain1 to a number of ,indians1 at a place called ,kauksesauchung1 more than thirty miles westward from the place where ,i usually preach4 ,i found about thirty persons1 and proposed my desire of preaching to them3 they readily complied1 and ,i preached to them only twice1 they being just then removing from this place1 to ,susquahannah river4 ,while ,i was preaching1 they appeared sober1 and attentive3 and were somewhat surprized1 having never before heard of these things4 ,there were two or three1 who suspected that ,i had some ill design upon them2 and urged1 that the white people had abused them1 and taken their lands from them1 and therefore they had no reason to think that they were concerned for their happiness2 but1 on the contrary1 that they designed to make them slaves1 or get them on board their vessels1 and make them fight with the people over the water1 7as they expressed it17 meaning the ,french and ,spaniards4 ,however the most of them appeared very friendly1 and told me they were then going home to ,susquahannah1 and desired ,i would make them a visit there1 and manifested a considerable desire of instruction4 ,this invitation gave me some encouragement in my great work2 and made me hope1 that ,god designed to 8open an effectual door to me0 for spreading the gospel among the poor ,heathens farther westward4 8effectul0 replaced with 8effectual0 ,from these ,indians he returned to the ,irish settlement1 and there preached to a numerous congregation3 where was a considerable appearance of awakening4 ,thursday1 he returned home1 exceedingly fatigued and spent2 still in the same mortification to the world1 and solicitous for the advancement of ,christ's kingdom3 and on this day he says1 8,i have felt1 this week more of the spirit of a pilgrim on earth1 than ever before2 and yet so desirous to see ,zion's prosperity1 that ,i was not so willing to leave this scene of sorrow as ,i used to be40,on the sabbath1 he was confined by illness1 not able to go out to preach4 ,he continued very ill all the next week1 and says1 that 8he thought he never before endured such a season of distressing weakness2 and that his nature was so spent1 that he could neither stand1 sit1 nor lie with any quiet2 that he was exercised with extreme faintness and sickness at his stomach2 and that his mind was as much disordered as his body1 seeming to be stupid1 and without all kind of affection2 and yet perplexed1 to think1 that he lived for nothing1 that precious time rolled away1 and he could do nothing but trifle40,concerning the next five days1 he writes thus1 8,on ,lord's-day1 ,august #e1 was still very poor4 ,but though very weak1 ,i visited and preached to the poor ,indians twice1 and was strengthened vastly beyond my expectations4 ,and indeed the ,lord gave me freedom and fervency in addressing them3 though ,i had not strength enough to stand1 but was obliged to sit down the whole time4 ,towards night ,i was extremely weak1 faint1 sick1 and full of pain4 ,and ,i have continued much the same last week1 thro' the most of this1 7it being now ,friday7 unable to engage in any business2 frequently unable to pray in the family4 ,i have neither strength to read1 meditate1 nor pray3 and this perplexes my mind4 ,i seem like a man that has all his estate embarked in one small boat1 unhappily going adrift1 down a swift current4 ,the poor owner stands on the shore1 and looks1 and laments his loss4 ,but1 alas6 though my all seems to be adrift1 and ,i stand and see it1 ,i dare not lament3 for this sinks my spirits more1 and aggravates my bodily disorders4 ,o that ,god would pity my distressed state60 ,the next day three weeks1 his illness was not so extreme2 he was in some degree capable of business3 he also had1 for the most part1 much inward assistance2 he often expresses great longings for the enlargement of ,christ's kingdom3 he speaks of his hope of this as all his delight and joy4 ,he continues still to express his usual longings after holiness1 and living to ,god1 and his sense of his own unworthiness2 he several times speaks of his appearing to himself the vilest creature on earth2 and once says1 that he verily thought there was none of ,god's children who fell so far short of that holiness1 and perfection in their obedience1 which ,god requires4 ,saturday1 ,september #a4 ,i enjoyed some comfort and sweetness3 and as my bodily strength was a little restored1 so my soul seemed to be more engaged in the things of ,god4 ,lord's-day1 ,september #b4 ,i was enabled to speak to my poor ,indians with much concern and fervency2 and ,god enabled me to exercise faith in him1 while ,i was speaking to them4 ,i perceived that some of them were afraid to embrace ,christianity1 lest they should be enchanted and poisoned by the powwows3 but ,i bid a challenge to all these powers of darkness1 to do their worst upon me first4 ,i told my people1 ,i was a ,christian1 and asked them why the powwows did not bewitch and poison me8 ,i scarcely ever felt more sensible of my own unworthiness1 than in this3 but ,i saw the honour of ,god was concerned2 and ,i trusted to be preserved for a testimony of the divine power and goodness1 and of the truth of ,christianity4 8powows0 replaced with 8powwows0 ,wednesday1 ,september #bf4 ,after a journey to ,new-,england1 ,i rode home to the ,forks of ,delaware4 ,what reason have ,i to bless ,god1 who has preserved me in riding more than four hundred and twenty miles4 ,my health likewise is greatly recovered4 ,o that ,i could dedicate my all to ,god6 ,monday1 ,october #a4 ,i was engaged this day in making preparation for my journey to ,susquahannah2 and withdrew several times to plead for the divine presence to go with me to the poor ,pagans4 ,towards night ,i rode about four miles1 and met my brother ,byram3 who was come1 at my desire1 to be my companion to the ,indians4 ,i rejoiced to see him2 and ,god made his conversation profitable to me4 ,i saw him1 as ,i thought more dead to the world1 its cares1 and alluring objects1 than ,i was3 and this made me look within myself1 and gave me a greater sense of my ingratitude1 and misery4 ,minister at a place called ,rockciticus1 about forty miles from ,mr4 ,brainerd's lodgings4 ,tuesday1 ,october #b4 ,i set out on my journey1 in company with my dear brother ,byram1 and my interpreter1 and two chief ,indians from the ,forks of ,delaware4 ,we travelled about twenty-five miles1 and lodged in one of the last houses on our road2 after which there was nothing but a hideous and howling wilderness4 ,wednesday1 ,october #c4 ,we went on our way into the wilderness1 and found far the most difficult and dangerous travelling1 that ever any of us had seen2 we had scarce any thing else but lofty mountains1 deep valleys1 and hideous rocks1 to make our way through4 ,however1 ,i felt sweetness in divine things1 and had my mind intensely engaged in meditation4 ,near night1 my beast that ,i rode upon1 hung one of her legs in the rocks1 and fell down under me2 but through divine goodness1 ,i was not hurt4 ,however1 she broke her leg2 and being near thirty miles from any house1 ,i saw nothing that could be done to preserve her life1 and so was obliged to kill her1 and to prosecute my journey on foot4 ,just at dark1 we kindled a fire1 cut up a few bushes1 and made a shelter over our heads1 to save us from the frost1 which was very hard2 and committing ourselves to ,god1 we lay down on the ground1 and slept quietly4 ,the next day1 they went forward on their journey1 and at night took up their lodging in the woods in like manner4 ,friday1 ,october #e4 ,we arrived at ,susquahannah-river1 at a place called ,opeholhaupung2 and found there twelve ,indian houses4 ,after ,i had saluted the king in a friendly manner1 ,i told him my business1 and that my desire was to teach them ,christianity4 ,after some consultation1 the ,indians gathered1 and ,i preached to them4 ,and when ,i had done1 ,i asked1 if they would hear me again4 ,they replied1 they would consider of it2 and soon after sent me word1 that they would immediately attend1 if ,i would preach2 which ,i did with much freedom4 ,when ,i asked them again1 whether they would hear me further1 they replied1 they would the next day4 ,i was exceeding sensible of the impossibility of doing any thing for the poor ,heathen without special assistance3 and my soul rested on ,god1 and left it to him1 to do as he pleased in his own cause4 ,saturday1 ,october #f4 ,i preached again to the ,indians3 and in the afternoon1 visited them from house to house1 and invited them to come and hear me again the next day1 and put off their hunting design1 till ,monday4 8,this night1 the ,lord stood by me10 to encourage and strengthen my soul3 ,i spent more than an hour in secret retirement2 and was enabled to 8pour out my heart before ,god10 for the increase of grace in my soul1 for ministerial endowments1 and for success among the poor ,indians4 ,monday1 ,october #h4 ,i visited the ,indians with a design to take my leave1 supposing they would go out a hunting early2 but beyond my expectation and hope1 they desired to hear me preach again4 ,i gladly complied with their request1 and endeavoured to answer their objections against ,christianity4 ,then they went away2 and we spent the afternoon in reading and prayer1 intending to go homeward early the next day4 ,tuesday1 ,october #i4 ,we rose about four1 and commending ourselves to ,god by prayer1 we set out homewards about five1 and travelled till past six at night4 ,we then made us a fire1 and a shelter of barks1 and so rested4,in the night1 the wolves howled round us2 but ,god preserved us4 ,friday1 ,october #ab4 ,i came home to my lodging2 where ,i poured out my soul to ,god1 and endeavoured to bless him for his abundant goodness to me in my late journey4 ,i scarce ever enjoyed more health2 and ,god marvellously1 supported me under the fatigues of the way1 and travelling on foot4 ,blessed be the ,lord1 that preserves me in all my ways4 ,lord's-day1 ,october #ad4 ,i was much confused and perplexed in my thoughts2 and almost discouraged1 thinking ,i should never be able to preach any more4 ,however1 ,i went to the place of public worship1 lifting up my heart1 and ,god was gracious to me1 and helped me to plead with him for holiness1 and to use strong arguments with him1 drawn from the sufferings of ,christ for this very end1 that men might be made holy4 ,afterwards ,i was much assisted in preaching4 ,i know not that ,god ever helped me to preach in a more close manner4 ,through the infinite goodness of ,god1 ,i felt what ,i spake3 and ,god enabled me to speak with uncommon clearness3 and yet ,i was deeply sensible of my defects in preaching2 blessed be the ,lord for his mercy4 ,in the evening ,i longed to be entirely alone1 to bless ,god for help in extremity2 and longed for greater degrees of holiness1 that ,i might shew my gratitude to ,god4 99,tuesday1 ,october #af4 ,i felt a spirit of solemnity and watchfulness2 and was afraid ,i should not live to and upon ,god3 ,i longed for more intenseness and spirituality4 ,in the evening ,i enjoyed sweet assistance in prayer1 and thirsted and pleaded to be as holy as the blessed angels4 99,friday1 ,october #ai4 ,i had an abasing sense of my own unholiness2 and felt my soul melt and mourn1 that ,i had grieved a gracious ,god1 who was still kind to me1 notwithstanding all my unworthiness4 ,my soul enjoyed a sweet season of sorrow1 that ,i had wronged that blessed ,god1 who was reconciled to me in his dear ,son4 ,my soul was now tender1 devout1 and solemn3 and ,i was afraid of nothing but sin2 and afraid of that in every action and thought4 ,wednesday1 ,october #bd4 ,near noon ,i rode to my people2 spent some time1 and prayed with them3 felt the frame of a pilgrim on earth2 longed much to leave this gloomy mansion2 but yet found patience and resignation4 ,as ,i returned home from the ,indians1 ,i spent the whole time in lifting up my heart to ,god4 ,in the evening ,i enjoyed a blessed season in prayer2 was enabled to cry to ,god with a child-like spirit3 enjoyed a sweet freedom in supplicating for myself1 and for my dear friends3 and longed to be as lively in ,god's service as the angels4 99,friday1 ,october #bf4 ,in the morning my soul was melted with a sense of divine goodness to such a vile worm2 ,i delighted to lean upon ,god1 and place my whole trust in him3 my soul was exceedingly grieved for sin1 and prized and longed after holiness2 it wounded my heart deeply1 yet sweetly1 to think how ,i had abused a kind ,god4 ,i longed to be perfectly holy1 that ,i might not grieve a gracious ,god3 ,i longed for holiness more for this end1 than for my happiness sake3 and yet this was my greatest happiness1 nevermore to dishonour1 but always to glorify the blessed ,god4 ,wednesday1 ,october #ca4 ,i was sensible of my barrenness3 my soul failed when ,i remembered the fervency ,i had enjoyed4 ,oh 7,i thought7 if ,i could but be spiritual1 warm1 heavenly minded1 and affectionately breathing after ,god1 this would be better than life to me6 ,my soul longed exceedingly for death1 to be loosed from this dulness1 and made ever active in the service of ,god4 ,i seemed to live for nothing1 and to do no good3 and ,oh1 the burden of such a life6 ,oh1 death1 death1 my kind friend1 hasten and deliver me from dull mortality1 and make me spiritual and vigorous to eternity6 ,thursday1 ,november #a4 ,i felt life1 and longings after ,god2 ,i longed to be always solemn1 devout1 and heavenly-minded2 and was afraid to leave off praying1 lest ,i should again lose a sense of the sweet things of ,god4 ,friday1 ,november #b4 ,i was exercised sorely with some things that ,i thought myself most of all freed from4 ,and thus ,i have ever found it1 when ,i have thought the battle was over1 and the conquest was gained1 and so let down my watch1 the enemy has risen up and done me the greatest injury4 ,the next day he set out on a journey to ,new-,york1 to meet the ,presbytery there3 and was gone from home more than a fortnight4 ,he seemed to enter on this journey with great reluctance2 fearing it would cool his religious affections4 ,but1 yet1 in his journey he had special seasons of ,god's gracious presence4 ,he was greatly fatigued therein by cold and storms3 and when he returned from ,new-,york to ,new-,jersey1 was very ill for some time4 ,wednesday1 ,november #ba4 ,i rode from ,newark to ,rockciticus in the cold1 and was almost overcome with it4 ,but ,i enjoyed sweetness in conversation with ,mr4 ,jones3 my soul loves the people of ,god1 and especially the ministers1 who feel the same trials that ,i do4 99,thursday1 ,november #bb4 ,i came on my way to ,delaware river1 tho' much disordered with a cold and pain in my head4 ,about six at night ,i lost my way in the wilderness1 and wandered over rocks and mountains1 down hideous steeps1 through swamps1 and most dreadful and dangerous places3 and the night being dark1 ,i was greatly exposed3 ,i was much pinched with cold1 and distressed with an extreme pain in my head1 attended with sickness at my stomach2 so that every step ,i took was distressing to me4 ,i had little hope1 but that ,i must lie in the woods all night4 ,but about nine o'clock ,i found a house1 and was kindly entertained4 ,thus ,i have frequently been exposed3 but ,god has hitherto preserved me2 blessed be his name4 ,such fatigues and hardships serve to wean me from the earth2 and will make heaven the sweeter4 ,formerly1 when ,i was thus exposed1 ,i was ready to please myself with the thoughts of a comfortable house1 a warm fire1 and other outward comforts2 but now these have less place in my heart1 7through the grace of ,god7 and my eye is more to ,god for comfort4 ,in this world ,i expect tribulation1 and it does not now appear strange to me4 ,i do not in seasons of difficulty flatter myself that it will be better hereafter2 but rather think1 how much worse it might be2 how much greater trials others of ,god's children have endured2 and how much greater may be reserved for me4 ,blessed be ,god1 that he makes the thoughts of my journey's-end a great comfort to me1 under my sharpest trials3 and scarce ever lets these thoughts be attended with terror2 but frequently with great joy4 ,within the next twelve days he spent much time in hard labour1 to make a little cottage1 to live in by himself4 ,thursday1 ,december #f4 ,having now a happy opportunity of being retired in a house of my own2 ,i set apart this day for secret prayer and fasting1 to implore the blessing of ,god on myself1 on my poor people1 on my friends1 and on the church of ,god4 ,and now ,god was pleased to give me a discovery of the plague of my own heart1 more affecting than ,i have of late had4 ,and especially ,i saw my sinfulness in this1 that when ,god had withdrawn himself1 instead of living and dying in pursuit of him1 ,i have been disposed to one of these two things1 either to yield an unbecoming respect to some earthly objects1 as if happiness were to be derived from them3 or to be secretly froward and impatiently desirous of death4 ,that which often drove me to this impatient desire of death1 was a despair of doing any good4 ,but now ,god made me sensible of my sin1 and enabled me to cry to him for forgiveness4 ,yet this was not all ,i wanted3 for my soul appeared exceedingly polluted2 and ,i wanted to be purified 8by the blood of sprinkling that cleanseth from all sin40 ,and this ,i was enabled to pray for in faith4 ,i enjoyed much more intenseness1 fervency1 and spirituality than ,i expected2 ,god was better to me than my fears4 ,i was enabled to persevere in prayer till the evening3 ,i saw so much need of divine help1 that ,i knew not how to leave off1 and had forgot that ,i needed food4 ,lord's-day1 ,december #i4 ,i preached both parts of the day at a place called ,greenwich1 about ten miles from my own house4 ,in the first discourse ,i had scarce any warmth4 ,in the intermission season ,i got alone among the bushes1 and cried to ,god being in anguish1 that ,i could not address souls with more compassion and tender affection2 which ,i saw ,i could not get of myself1 any more than ,i could make a world4 ,in the latter exercise1 blessed be the ,lord1 ,i had some fervency1 both in prayer and preaching2 and in the application ,i was enabled to address precious souls with affection1 tenderness1 and importunity4 ,the ,spirit of ,god was there2 the effects were apparent1 tears running down many cheeks4 ,monday1 ,december #aj4 ,i rode home1 blessed ,god for his goodness2 and rejoiced1 that so much of my work was done1 and ,i so much nearer my reward4 8gooddess0 replaced with 8goodness0 per ,errata ,wednesday1 ,december #ab4 ,i was very weak1 but enabled with sweetness to cry1 8,come1 ,lord ,jesus6 come quickly40 ,my soul 8longed for ,god1 for the living ,god40 ,o how delightful it is1 to pray under such influences6 ,how much better than one's necessary food6 ,i had at this time no disposition to eat1 7though late in the morning7 for earthly food appeared wholly tasteless4,i visited and preached to the ,indians1 in the afternoon2 but under much dejection4 ,i found my interpreter under some concern for his soul2 which was some comfort to me4 ,i longed greatly for his conversion1 poured out my soul to ,god for him2 and was enabled to leave all with ,god4 ,thursday1 ,december #ac4 ,i spent the day in fasting and prayer1 to implore the divine blessing1 more especially on my poor people2 in particular for my interpreter1 and three or four more under some concern for their souls3 but in the evening it seemed as if ,i had need to pray for nothing so much as for the pardon of sins committed in the day past4 ,the sins ,i had most sense of1 were pride1 and wandering thoughts4 ,lord's-day1 ,december #af4 ,i was so overwhelmed with dejection1 that ,i knew not how to live3 ,i longed for death exceedingly3 my soul was sunk into deep waters1 and the floods were ready to drown me3 ,i was so much oppressed1 that my soul was in a kind of horror3 ,i had no distressing doubt about my own state2 but would have chearfully ventured into eternity4 ,while ,i was going to preach to the ,indians1 my soul was in anguish2 ,i despaired of doing any good4 ,but at last ,i insisted on the evidence of ,christianity from the miracles of ,christ3 and ,god helped me to make a close application to those that refused to believe4 ,i was encouraged to find1 that ,god enabled me to be faithful once more4 ,then ,i went and preached to another company of them2 but was very weary and faint4 ,in the evening ,i was something refreshed1 and enabled to pray and praise ,god with composure and affection3 ,i was now willing to live1 and longed to do more for ,god than my weak state of body would admit of4 8,i can do all things through ,christ that strengthens me20 and ,i am willing to spend and be spent in his service4 ,tuesday1 ,december #ah4 ,i went to the ,indians1 and discoursed to them near an hour1 and at last ,god helped me to speak with warmth4 ,my interpreter also was amazingly assisted2 and ,i doubt not but 8the ,spirit of ,god was upon him40 ,and presently most of the grown persons were much affected1 and the tears ran down their cheeks3 and one old man 7,i suppose an hundred years old7 was so affected1 that he wept1 and seemed convinced of the importance of what ,i taught them4 ,i staid with them a considerable time1 exhorting them2 and came away1 lifting up my heart to ,god1 and encouraged my interpreter to 8strive to enter in at the strait gate40 ,thursday1 ,january #e1 #agdde4 ,being sensible of the great want of the out-pouring of ,god's ,spirit1 ,i spent this day in fasting and prayer1 to seek so great a mercy for myself1 and my poor people in particular1 and for the church of ,god in general4 ,saturday1 ,january #e4 ,i was much disordered in my head4 ,i was distressed with a sense of my spiritual pollution1 and ten thousand youthful1 yea1 and childish follies3 all which appeared now fresh1 and in a lively view1 as if committed yesterday4 ,wednesday1 ,january #i4 ,in the morning1 ,god was pleased to remove that gloom which has of late oppressed my mind1 and gave me freedom and sweetness in prayer4 ,i was encouraged to plead for grace for myself1 and mercy for my poor ,indians3 and was sweetly assisted in my intercessions with ,god for others4 ,those things that of late have appeared almost impossible1 were now not only possible1 but easy4 ,my soul so much delighted to continue instant in prayer1 that ,i had no desire for my necessary food3 yea1 ,i dreaded leaving off praying1 lest ,i should lose this spirituality1 and this blessed thankfulness4 ,i felt now quite willing to live1 and undergo all trials that might remain for me in a world of sorrow2 but still longed for heaven1 that ,i might glorify ,god in a perfect manner4 ,monday1 ,january #ad4 ,i spent this day under a great degree of bodily disorder4 ,it pains me1 that ,i live so much of my time for nothing4 ,i long to do much in a little time1 and if it might be the ,lord's will1 to finish my work speedily in this tiresome world4 ,i am sure1 ,i do not desire to live for any thing in this world2 and through grace ,i am not afraid to look the king of terrors in the face3 ,i know1 ,i shall be afraid1 if ,god leaves me2 and therefore ,i think it is always my duty to lay in for that solemn hour4 99,but for a considerable time1 my soul has rejoiced to think of death in its nearest approaches2 and even when ,i have been very weak1 and seemed nearest eternity4 8,not unto me1 not unto me1 but to ,god be the glory40 ,i feel that which convinces me1 that if ,god do not enable me to maintain a holy dependence upon him1 death will be a terror1 but at present1 ,i must say1 8,i long to depart1 and to be with ,christ40 ,when ,i am in a sweet resigned frame of soul1 ,i am willing to tarry in a world of sorrow1 ,i am willing to be from home as long as ,god sees fit2 but when ,i want the influence of this temper1 ,i am then apt to be impatient to be gone4,oh when will the day appear1 that ,i shall be perfect in holiness4 ,wednesday and ,thursday1 ,january #af1 #ag4 ,i spent most of the time in writing on a divine subject1 and enjoyed freedom and assistance4 ,o what reason have ,i to be thankful1 that ,god ever helps me to labour and study for him6 ,he does but receive his own1 when ,i am enabled in any measure to praise him1 labour for him1 and live to him4 ,lord's day1 ,january #bg4 ,i had the greatest degree of inward anguish1 that ever ,i endured3 ,i was perfectly overwhelmed1 and so confused1 that after ,i began to discourse to the ,indians1 before ,i could finish a sentence1 sometimes ,i forgot entirely what ,i was aiming at4 ,this distressing gloom never went off the whole day3 but was so far removed1 that ,i was enabled to speak with some freedom to the ,indians1 at two of their settlements2 and there was some appearance1 of the presence of ,god with us4 ,in the evening the gloom continued still1 till at family-prayer1 when ,i was praying for the conversion of my poor people1 the cloud was scattered1 so that ,i enjoyed sweetness and freedom1 and conceived hopes that ,god designed mercy for them4 ,though ,mr4 ,brainerd now dwelt by himself in the little cottage1 which he had built for his own use2 yet that was near a family of white people with whom he had lived before1 and with whom he still attended family-prayer4 ,lord's-day1 ,february #c4 ,in the morning1 ,i was somewhat relieved of that gloom1 that my mind has of late been exercised with2 and was enabled to pray with composure and comfort4 ,but1 however1 ,i went to my ,indians trembling2 for my soul 8remembered the wormwood and the gall0 of ,friday last2 and ,i was greatly afraid ,i should be obliged again to drink of that cup of trembling1 which was inconceivably more bitter than death4 ,but ,god was pleased to hear my cries1 and to afford me great assistance2 so that ,i felt peace in my soul2 and was satisfied1 that if not one of the ,indians should be profited yet ,i should be accepted and rewarded as faithful4 99,monday1 ,february #aa4 ,in the evening ,i was in a most solemn frame3 ,i know not that ever death appeared more real to me1 or that ever ,i saw myself in the condition of a dead corpse1 laid out1 and dressed for a lodging in the silent grave1 so evidently4 ,and yet ,i felt exceedingly comfortable2 my mind was composed and calm1 and death appeared without a sting4 ,i never felt such an universal mortification to all created objects4 ,oh1 how great and solemn a thing it appeared to die6 ,how it lays the greatest honour in the dust6 ,and how vain and trifling did the riches1 honours1 and pleasures of the world appear6 ,i could not so much as think of any of them2 for death1 death1 solemn 7though not frightful7 death appeared at the door4 ,i could see myself laid out1 and inclosed in my coffin1 and put down into the cold grave1 without terror6 ,i spent the evening in conversing with a ,christian friend2 and it was a comfortable evening to us both4,what are friends8 ,what are comforts8 ,what are sorrows8 ,what are distresses88,the time is short3 it remains1 that they that weep1 be as though they wept not2 and they which rejoice1 as though they rejoiced not3 for the fashion of this world passeth away4 ,o come1 ,lord ,jesus1 come quickly40 ,friday1 ,february #ae4 ,i had a sweet sense of the free grace of the gospel3 my soul was encouraged1 warmed1 and quickened1 and my desires drawn out after ,god in prayer3 being afraid of losing so sweet a guest as ,i then entertained4 ,i longed to proclaim the grace ,i then meditated upon1 to the world of sinners4,o how quick and powerful is the word of the blessed ,god6 ,lord's day1 ,february #ag4 ,i preached to the white people in the wilderness1 upon the sunny side of a hill3 ,i had a considerable assembly1 consisting of people that lived 7many of them7 thirty miles asunder4 ,i discoursed to them1 from ,john vii4 #cg4 8,jesus stood and cried1 saying1 ,if any man thirst10 c4 ,in the afternoon it pleased ,god to grant me great fervency2 ,i was enabled to imitate the example of ,christ1 who stood and cried4,i was scarce ever enabled to offer the free grace of ,god to perishing sinners with more freedom and plainness4 ,o that ,i could for ever bless ,god for the mercy of this day1 who1 8answered me in the joy of my heart40 ,lord's-day1 ,february #bd4 ,my interpreter being absent1 ,i knew not how to perform my work among the ,indians4 ,however1 ,i rode to the ,indians1 and got a ,dutchman to interpret1 though he was but poorly qualified4 ,afterwards ,i preached to a few white people from ,john vi4 #fg4 ,o the free grace of ,christ1 that he seasonably minds his people of their danger of backsliding1 and invites them to persevere in their adherence to himself6 ,i saw that backsliding souls might return1 and welcome1 to him immediately2 without any thing to recommend them2 notwithstanding all their former backslidings4 ,and ,i felt solemn1 devout1 and sweet1 resting on him for assistance1 acceptance1 and peace of conscience4 99,wednesday1 ,march #f4 ,i spent most of the day in preparing for a journey to ,new-,england1 and in prayer1 with a reference to my journey4 ,i was afraid ,i should forsake the fountain of living waters1 and attempt to derive satisfaction from broken cisterns1 my dear friends and acquaintance4 ,i looked to ,god to keep me from this vanity in special1 as well as others4 ,towards night1 ,i was visited by some friends1 who discovered an affectionate regard to me1 and seemed grieved that ,i was about to leave them2 especially seeing ,i did not expect to make any considerable stay among them1 if ,i should live to return from ,new-,england4 ,o how kind has ,god been to me6 ,how has he raised up friends in every place1 where his providence has called me6 ,it seems1 he had a design to remove and live among the ,indians at ,susquahannah river4 ,the next day1 he set out on his journey2 and it was above five weeks before he returned4,the special design of this journey was 8,to raise some money among ,christian friends1 in order to support a colleague with me in the wilderness1 7,i having now spent two years in a very solitary manner7 that we might be together2 as ,christ sent out his disciples two and two40 ,he first went into various parts of ,new-,jersey1 then to ,new-,york2 and from thence into ,new-,england4 ,he then returned into ,new-,jersey4 ,he seems1 for the most part1 to have been free from melancholy in this journey2 and many times to have had extraordinary assistance in public ministrations4 8collegue0 replaced with 8colleague0 ,saturday1 ,april #ac4 ,i rode home to my own house4 ,blessed be the ,lord1 who has preserved me in this tedious journey4 ,verily it is ,god that has upheld me1 and guarded my goings4 ,this week1 he went a journey to ,philadelphia1 in order to engage the ,governor there to use his interest with the chief man of the ,six ,nations1 7with whom he maintained a strict friendship7 that he would give him leave to live at ,susquahannah1 and instruct the ,indians that are within their territories4 ,the ,indians at ,susquahannah are a mixed company of many nations1 speaking various languages1 and few of them properly of the ,six ,nations4 ,but yet the country having formerly been conquered by the ,six ,nations1 they claim the land2 and the ,susquahannah-,indians are a kind of vassals to them4 ,lord's-day1 ,april #ba4 ,in the season of the communion1 ,i had comfortable apprehensions of the blissful communion of ,god's people1 when they shall meet at their ,father's table in his kingdom4,in the afternoon ,i preached abroad1 from ,revelation xiv4 #d4 8,these are they that follow the ,lamb10 c4 ,god was pleased to give me great freedom and clearness1 but not so much warmth as before4 ,however1 there was a most amazing attention in the whole assembly2 and1 as ,i was informed afterwards1 this was a sweet season to many4 ,tuesday1 ,april #bc4 ,i returned home to the ,forks of ,delaware2 enjoyed some sweet meditations on the road1 and was enabled to lift up my heart to ,god in prayer and praise4 ,friday1 ,april #bf4 ,i felt a spirit of mortification to the world1 in a very great degree4 ,afterwards ,i was enabled to rely on ,god sweetly1 for 8all things pertaining to life and godliness40 ,just in the evening1 ,i was visited by a dear ,christian friend1 with whom ,i spent an hour or two in conversation1 on the very soul of religion4 ,there are many with whom ,i can talk about religion2 but alas6 ,i find few with whom ,i can talk religion itself3 but1 blessed be the ,lord1 there are some that love to feed on the kernel1 rather than the shell4 ,the next day1 he went to the ,irish settlement about fifteen miles distant3 where he spent the sabbath4 ,on ,monday1 he returned very weak1 to his own lodgings4 ,tuesday1 ,april #cj4 ,i was scarce able to walk about1 and was obliged to lie on the bed1 much of the day2 being neither able to read1 meditate1 nor pray1 and having none to converse with in that wilderness4 ,oh1 how heavily does time pass away1 when ,i can do nothing to any good purpose8 ,thursday1 ,may #b4 ,in the evening1 being a little better in health1 ,i walked into the woods1 and enjoyed a sweet season of meditation and prayer4 ,my thoughts ran upon ,psalms xvii4 #ae4 8,i shall be satisfied1 when ,i awake with thy likeness40 ,i longed to preach to the whole world2 and it seemed to me1 they must needs all be melted in hearing such precious truths1 as ,i had then a view of4,blessed be the ,lord1 that in my present weakness1 my mind is not gloomy1 as at some other times4 ,tuesday1 ,may #g4 ,i spent the day chiefly in making preparation for a journey into the wilderness4 ,i was still weak1 and concerned how ,i should perform it4 ,i spent some time in prayer for the divine blessing2 but wanted bodily strength to spend the day in fasting and prayer4 ,the next day1 he set out on his journey to ,susquahannah1 with his interpreter4 ,he endured great hardships in his way thither through a hideous wilderness3 where1 after having lodged one night in the open woods1 he was overtaken with a north-easterly storm1 in which he was ready to perish4 ,having no shelter1 and not being able to make a fire in so great a rain1 he could have no comfort if he stopt2 therefore determined to go forward in hopes of meeting with some shelter1 without which he thought it impossible he should live the night through4 ,but their horses happening to have eat poisonous plants at a place where they lodged the night before1 were so sick that they could neither ride nor lead them1 but were obliged to drive them before them1 until through the mercy of ,god 7just at dusk7 they came to a bark-hut1 where they lodged that night4 ,after he came to ,susquahannah1 he travelled about an hundred miles on the river1 visited many towns and settlements of the ,indians2 and preached to different nations1 by different interpreters4 ,he was sometimes much discouraged1 through the opposition that appeared in the ,indians to ,christianity4 ,at other times1 he was encouraged by the disposition1 that some of them manifested to hear1 and to be instructed4 ,he here met with some that had formerly been his hearers at ,kaunaumeek1 who saw and heard him again with great joy4 ,he spent a fortnight among the ,indians2 passed through considerable hardships1 frequently lodging on the ground1 and sometimes in the open air2 and at length fell extremely ill1 as he was riding in the wilderness1 being seized with an ague1 followed with extreme pains in his head and bowels1 and a great evacuation of blood2 so that he thought he must have perished4 ,but at last coming to an ,indian trader's hut1 he got leave to stay there3 and though without physic or proper food1 it pleased ,god1 after about a week1 to relieve him so far that he was able to ride4 ,he returned homewards from ,juneauta1 an island far down the river2 where was a considerable number of ,indians1 who appeared more free from prejudices against ,christianity1 than most of the other ,indians4 ,he arrived at the ,forks of ,delaware on ,thursday1 ,may #cj1 after having rode in this journey about three hundred and forty miles4 ,he came home in a very weak state4 ,however1 on the sabbath1 after having preached to the ,indians1 he preached to the white people1 with success1 from ,isaiah liii4 #aj4 8,yet it pleased the ,lord to bruise him10 c4 some being awakened by his preaching4 ,wednesday1 ,june #e4 ,i felt thirsting desires after ,god1 and enjoyed a precious season of retirement3 divine things opened with clearness and certainty1 and had a divine stamp upon them3 my soul was also enlarged and refreshed in prayer2 ,i delighted to continue in the duty3 and was sweetly assisted in praying for my fellow ,christians1 and my dear brethren in the ministry4 ,o what a blessedness it is1 to be as much like ,god1 as it is possible to be6 ,lord1 give me more of thy likeness2 8,i shall be satisfied1 when ,i awake with it40 ,friday1 ,june #g4 ,he went a journey of near fifty miles to ,neshaminy1 to assist at a sacramental occasion4 ,saturday1 ,june #h4 ,i was exceeding weak and fatigued with riding in the heat yesterday2 but being desired1 ,i preached in the afternoon1 to a crouded audience1 from ,isaiah xl4 #a4 8,comfort ye1 comfort ye my people1 saith your ,god40 ,god was pleased to give me great freedom4 ,and1 blessed be the ,lord1 it was a sweet melting season in the assembly4 ,lord's day1 ,june #i4 ,i discoursed with reference to that sacred passage1 ,isaiah liii4 #aj4 8,yet it pleased the ,lord to bruise him40 99,god gave me great assistance in addressing sinners3 and the word was attended with amazing power2 many scores1 if not hundreds1 in that great assembly1 consisting of three or four thousand1 were much affected2 so that there was a 8very great mourning1 like the mourning of ,hadadrimmon40,in the evening1 ,i could hardly look any body in the face1 because of the imperfections ,i saw in my performances in the day past4 ,tuesday1 ,june #aa4 ,i spent the day mainly in conversation with ,christian friends2 and enjoyed a sweet sense of divine things4 ,o how desirable it is1 to keep company with ,god's children6 ,these are the 8excellent ones of the earth1 in whom10 ,i can truly say1 8is all my delight40 ,o what delight will it afford1 to meet them all in a state of perfection6 ,lord1 prepare me for that state4 ,tuesday1 ,june #ah4 ,i set out from ,new-,brunswick with a design to visit some ,indians at a place called ,crosweeksung in ,new-,jersey1 towards the sea4 ,in the afternoon ,i came to ,cranberry1 and meeting with a serious minister1 lodged with him4 ,mr4 ,brainerd having1 when at ,boston1 wrote and left with a friend a brief relation of his labours with the ,indians1 during the space of time between ,november #e1 #agdd1 and ,june #ai1 #agde1 concludes with this passage3 8,as my body was very feeble1 so my mind was scarce ever so much discouraged about the conversion of the ,indians1 as at this time4 ,and in this state of body and mind ,i made my first visit to the ,indians in ,new-,jersey40 ,,part ,,vii4 ,from his first beginning to preach to the ,indians at ,crosweeksung1 till he returned from his last journey to ,susquahannah4 ,,we are now come to that part of ,mr4 ,brainerd's life1 wherein he had his greatest success4 ,after all his agonizing in prayer1 and travelling in birth1 for the conversion of the ,indians2 and after waiting in a way of persevering prayer1 labour1 and suffering1 as it were through a long night2 at length the day dawns3 8,weeping continues for a night1 but joy comes in the morning4 ,he went forth weeping1 bearing precious seed1 and now he comes with rejoicing1 bringing his sheaves with him40 ,the desired event is brought to pass at last2 but at a time1 and in a place1 that scarce ever entered into his heart4 ,an account of this is here inserted1 as it was drawn up by ,mr4 ,brainerd himself1 pursuant to the order of the honourable society in ,scotland4 ,wednesday1 ,june #ai4 ,having spent most of my time for more than a year past among the ,indians in the ,forks of ,delaware in ,pensylvania2 and having in that time made two journeys to ,susquahannah river1 far back in that province1 in order to treat with the ,indians there1 respecting ,christianity2 and not having had any considerable success in either of those places2 upon hearing that there was a number of ,indians in a place called 7by the ,indians7 ,crosweeksung in ,new-,jersey1 near fourscore miles south-eastward from the ,forks of ,delaware1 ,i determined to make them a visit1 and see what might be done towards the ,christianizing of them2 and accordingly arrived among them this day4 ,i found very few persons at the place ,i visited1 and perceived the ,indians in these parts were much scattered1 there being not more than two or three families in a place1 and these small settlements1 six1 ten1 fifteen1 twenty1 and thirty miles1 and some more1 from the place ,i was then at4 ,however1 ,i preached to those few who appeared well-disposed1 and1 not inclined to cavil1 as the ,indians had frequently done elsewhere4 ,when ,i had concluded my discourse1 ,i informed them 7there being none but a few women and children7 that ,i would willingly visit them again the next day4 ,whereupon they readily set out1 and travelled ten or fifteen miles1 in order to give notice to some of their friends at that distance4 ,these women1 like the woman of ,samaria1 seemed desirous that others might 8see the man that told them1 what they had done0 in their lives past1 and the misery that attended their idolatrous ways4 ,thursday1 ,june #bj4 ,towards night1 ,i preached to the ,indians again2 and had more hearers than before4 ,in the evening1 ,i enjoyed peace and serenity of mind1 composure and comfort in prayer2 and was enabled to lift up my head with joy1 under an apprehension that my redemption draws nigh4 ,oh1 blessed be ,god1 that there remains a rest to his poor weary people6 ,friday1 ,june #ba4 ,i was refreshed in secret prayer2 but saw myself a poor worthless creature1 without wisdom to direct1 or strength to help myself4 ,blessed be ,god1 that lays me under a happy necessity of living upon himself6 ,saturday1 ,june #bb4 ,about noon1 ,i rode to the ,indians again2 and near night preached to about thirty of them4 ,i found my body much strengthened1 and was enabled to speak with abundant plainness and warmth4 ,and the power of ,god evidently attended the word2 so that sundry persons were brought under great concern for their souls1 and made to shed many tears1 and to wish for ,christ to save them4 ,my soul was much refreshed1 and quickened in my work2 and ,i could not but spend much time with them1 in order to open both their misery and remedy4 ,while riding1 before ,i came to the ,indians1 ,i was enabled to cry to ,god almost incessantly4 ,in the evening also ,i found the consolations of ,god were not small3 ,i was then willing to live1 and in some respects desirous of it1 that ,i might do something for the kingdom of ,christ2 and yet death appeared pleasant3 so that1 ,i was in a strait between two4 ,i am often weary of this world2 but it is desirable to be drawn1 rather than driven out of it4 ,lord's day1 ,june #bc4 ,i preached to the ,indians and spent the day with them4,their number still increased2 and all with one consent seemed to rejoice in my coming among them4 ,not a word of opposition was heard from any1 although in times past they had been quite opposite to any thing of that nature4 ,june #bd4 ,i preached to the ,indians at their desire1 and upon their own motion4 ,to see poor ,pagans desirous of hearing the gospel of ,christ1 animated me to discourse to them1 although ,i was very weak1 and my spirits much exhausted4 ,they attended with the greatest seriousness and diligence2 and there was some concern apparent among them4 ,june #bg4 ,i visited and preached to the ,indians again4 ,their number now amounted to about forty persons4 ,their solemn attention still continued2 and a considerable concern for their souls was apparent among sundry of them4 ,friday ,june #bh4 ,the ,indians being now gathered1 a considerable number of them1 from their several distant habitations1 requested me to preach twice a day to them1 being desirous to hear as much as they could while ,i was with them4 ,i chearfully complied1 and could not but admire the goodness of ,god1 who had inclined them to enquire after the way of salvation4 ,saturday1 ,june #bi4 ,i preached twice to the ,indians2 and could not but wonder at their seriousness1 and the strictness of their attention4,blessed be ,god that has inclined their hearts to hear4 ,and ,o how refreshing it is to me1 to see them attend with such uncommon diligence and affection4 ,i likewise saw the hand of ,god making provision for their subsistence together1 in order to their being instructed4 ,for this day and the day before1 with only walking a little way from the place of our daily meeting1 they killed three deer1 which were a seasonable supply for their wants1 and without which1 they could not have subsisted together in order to attend the means of grace4 ,lord's-day1 ,june #cj4 ,i preached twice this day also1 and observed more concern and affection among the poor ,heathens than ever2 so that they even constrained me to tarry longer with them2 although my constitution was much impaired by the late fatigues and labours1 and especially by my late journey to ,susquahannah4 ,july #a4 ,i preached again twice to a very serious and attentive assembly1 who had now learned to attend the worship of ,god with ,christian decency4 ,there were now between forty and fifty persons of them present1 old and young4 ,i spent some time in discoursing with them in private1 enquiring what they remembered of the great truths that had been taught them4 ,it was amazing to see how they had retained the instructions given them1 and what knowledge some of them had acquired in a few days4 ,july #b4 ,i was obliged to leave these ,indians at ,crosweeksung1 thinking it my duty1 as soon as health would admit1 to visit those at the ,forks of ,delaware4 ,when ,i came to take leave of them1 they all earnestly enquired when ,i would come again1 and expressed a great desire of being farther instructed3 and of their own accord agreed1 that when ,i should come again1 they would all meet and live together during my continuance with them2 and that they would do their utmost endeavours to gather all the other ,indians in these parts that were farther remote4 ,and when ,i parted1 one told me with many tears1 8,she wished ,god would change her heart10 another1 that 8,she wanted to find ,christ30 and an old man that had been one of their chiefs1 wept bitterly4 ,i then promised them to return as speedily as my health and business would admit1 and felt not a little concerned at parting1 least good impressions might wear off4 ,afterwards ,i rode to ,brunswick1 near forty miles1 and lodged there4 ,i felt my heart drawn out after ,god in prayer almost all the afternoon3 and in the evening could not help crying to ,god for these poor ,indians2 and after ,i went to bed1 my heart continued to go out to ,god for them1 till ,i dropped asleep4 ,he was now so beat out by constant preaching1 that he found it necessary to give himself some relaxation4 ,he spent therefore about a week in ,new-,jersey1 visiting several ministers1 and performing some necessary business4 ,on ,friday1 ,july #ab4 ,he arrived at his own house in the ,forks of ,delaware2 continuing still free from melancholy and from day to day enjoying freedom and refreshment4 ,lord's-day1 ,july #ad4 ,i discoursed to the ,indians twice1 several of whom appeared convinced of their sin and misery2 so that they wept much the whole time of divine service4 ,thursday1 ,july #ah4 ,i longed to spend the little inch of time ,i have in the world for ,god3 ,felt a spirit of seriousness1 tenderness1 and devotion1 and wished to spend the whole night in prayer and communion with ,god4 ,friday1 ,july #ai4 ,in the evening ,i walked abroad for prayer and meditation1 and enjoyed composure and freedom especially1 in meditation on ,revelation iii4 #ab4 8,him that overcometh1 will ,i make a pillar in the temple of my ,god40 ,oh1 when shall ,i go no more out from the service and enjoyment of the dear ,lord6 ,lord1 hasten the blessed day4 ,lord's-day1 ,july #ba4 ,i preached to the ,indians first1 then to a number of white people1 and in the afternoon to the ,indians again4,divine truths seemed to make very considerable impressions upon several of them and caused tears to flow freely4 ,afterwards ,i baptized my interpreter and his wife1 the first ,i baptized among the ,indians4 ,they are both persons of some experimental knowledge in religion2 have both been awakened to a solemn concern for their souls and brought to a sense of their misery and undoneness2 and have both been comforted with divine consolations4 ,it may perhaps be satisfactory that ,i should give some relation of his experience since he has been with me4 ,when ,i first employed him in the beginning of summer #agdd1 he was well fitted for his work in regard of his acquaintance with the ,indian and ,english language2 and in regard of his desire that the ,indians should conform to the customs and manners of the ,english4 ,but he seemed to have no impression of religion1 and in that respect was very unfit for his work1 being uncapable of understanding and communicating to others many things of importance2 so that ,i laboured under great disadvantages in addressing the ,indians1 for want of his having an experimental acquaintance with divine truths2 and1 at times ,i was much discouraged1 when ,i observed that divine truths made little or no impression upon him for many weeks together4 ,he indeed behaved soberly1 7although before he had been a hard drinker7 and seemed honestly engaged as far he was capable in the performance of his work1 and especially he was very desirous that the ,indians should conform to the customs of the ,christian world4 ,but still seemed to have no concern about his own soul4 ,near the latter end of ,july #agdd1 ,i preached to an assembly of white people1 with freedom and fervency3 at which time he was present1 and was somewhat awakened2 so that the next day he discoursed freely with me and gave me an opportunity to fasten the impressions upon his mind3 and ,i could plainly perceive after this1 that he addressed the ,indians with more concern and fervency4 ,but these impressions seemed to decline1 till in the fall of the year following he fell into a weak state of body4 ,at this season divine truth took hold of him and made deep impressions upon his mind4 ,he was under great concern for his soul1 and was burdened from day to day4 ,at length his sleep departed from him1 and he had little rest day or night2 but walked about under great pressure of mind1 and appeared like another man to his neighbours who could not but observe his behaviour with wonder4 ,after he had been sometime striving for mercy1 he says1 there seemed to be an impassable mountain before him4 ,he was pressing towards heaven1 but 8his way was hedged up with thorns1 that he could not stir an inch farther40 ,he looked this way and that way1 but could find no way at all4 ,he felt it signified just nothing at all to strive and struggle any more4 ,and here he says1 he gave over striving1 and felt that it was a gone case with him1 and that all his attempts were1 and for ever would be vain and fruitless4 ,he knew1 he said1 he was not guilty of such actions as others were guilty of4 ,he had not been used to steal1 quarrel1 and murder2 which is common among the ,indians4 ,he likewise knew that he had done many things that were right4 ,but still his cry was1 8that he had never done one good thing10 7meaning that he had never done any thing from a right principle1 though he had done many things that were materially good47 ,and now ,i thought1 said he1 that ,i must sink down to hell1 that there was no hope for me1 8because ,i never could do any thing that was good20 and if ,god let me alone never so long1 still ,i should do nothing but what is bad4 ,there was one thing more in his view of things that was very remarkable4 ,he not only saw1 what a miserable state he himself was in1 but he saw the world around him were in the same perishing circumstances4 ,and this he saw clearly1 8as if he was now awaked out of sleep1 or had a cloud taken from before his eyes40 ,he saw that the life he had lived was the way to eternal death1 that he was now on the brink of endless misery3 and when he looked round he saw multitudes of others who had lived the same life with himself1 had no more goodness than he1 and yet dreamed that they were safe enough1 as he had formerly done4 99,after he had been some time in this condition1 sensible of the impossibility of helping himself2 he says1 it was borne in upon his mind as if it had been audibly spoken1 8,there is hope1 there is hope40 ,whereupon his soul seemed to be in some measure satisfied1 though he had no considerable joy2 neither can he remember distinctly any views he had of ,christ1 or give any clear account of his acceptance through him4 ,but this was followed by a great change1 so that it might justly be said1 he was become another man4 ,even the world could not but admire what had befallen him1 to make so great a change in his temper1 discourse1 and behaviour4 ,and especially there was a surprising alteration in his public performances4 ,he now addressed the ,indians with admirable fervency1 and scarce knew when to leave off3 and sometimes when ,i had concluded my discourse1 and was returning homeward1 he would tarry behind to repeat and inculcate what had been spoken4 ,his change is abiding1 and his life unblemished to this day1 though it is now more than six months since he experienced it2 in which space he has been as much exposed to strong drink1 as possible1 in divers places2 and yet has never discovered any desire after it4 99,and upon strict observation of his ,christian temper1 and unblemished behaviour for so considerable a time1 ,i think ,i have reason to hope that he is 8created anew in ,christ ,jesus to good works40 ,his name is ,moses ,tinda ,tautamy2 he is about fifty years of age1 and pretty well acquainted with the notions and customs of his countrymen1 and so is the better able to expose them4 ,he has already been1 and ,i trust will yet be a blessing to other ,indians4 ,friday1 ,july #bf4 ,in the evening1 ,god was pleased to help me in prayer1 beyond what ,i have experienced for some time2 especially for the conversion of my poor people3 my soul relied on ,god for the accomplishment of that great work4 ,oh1 how sweet were the thoughts of death to me at this time6 ,how ,i longed to be with ,christ1 to be employed in the glorious work of angels1 and with an angel's freedom1 vigour1 and delight6 ,and yet how willing was ,i to stay awhile on earth1 that ,i might do something1 if the ,lord pleased for his interest4 ,my soul longed for the ingathering of the poor ,heathen2 and ,i cried to ,god for them most willingly and heartily4 ,this was a sweet season2 ,i had a lively taste of heaven1 and a temper suited in some measure to the entertainment of it4 ,my soul was grieved to leave the place2 but my body was weak and worn out4 ,i longed that the remaining part of my life might be filled up with more fervency and activity in the things of ,god6 ,oh the inward peace1 composure1 and ,god-like serenity of such a frame6 ,heaven must needs differ from this only in degree1 and not in kind4 ,lord's-day1 ,july #bh4 ,i preached again1 and perceived my people more thoughtful than ever4 ,i was told by some1 that seeing my interpreter and his wife baptized made them more concerned than any thing they had ever seen or heard4 ,there was indeed a considerable appearance of divine power among them at the time4 ,july #cj4 ,i discoursed to a number of my people1 and gave them particular advice1 being about to leave them for the present1 in order to visit the ,indians in ,new-,jersey4 ,they were very attentive1 and earnestly desirous to know when ,i designed to return4 ,on ,wednesday1 ,july #ca4 ,he set out on his return to ,crosweeksung1 and arrived there the next day4 ,in his way he had longing desires that he might come to the ,indians in the 8fulness of the blessing of the gospel of ,christ20 attended with a sense of his own great weakness1 dependence and worthlessness4 ,friday1 ,august #b4 ,in the evening ,i retired1 and my soul was drawn out in prayer to ,god2 especially for my poor people1 to whom ,i had sent word to gather together1 that ,i might preach to them the next day4 ,i was much enlarged in praying for their conversion2 and scarce ever found my desires of it so sensibly and clearly free from selfish views4 ,i had no desire to be the instrument of so glorious a work2 if it might be accomplished to the honour of ,god1 this was all my care2 and for this ,i hoped1 but with trembling4 ,my rising hopes1 have been so often dashed1 that my spirit is broken1 and ,i hardly dare hope4 ,saturday1 ,august #c4 ,i now found them serious1 and a number of them under deep concern for an interest in ,christ3 their convictions of their sinful and perishing state having1 in my absence been much promoted by the labours of ,mr4 ,william ,tennent1 to whom ,i advised them to apply1 and whose house they had frequented much4,i preached to them this day on ,revelation xxii4 #ag4 8,and whosoever will1 let him take the water of life freely40 ,the ,lord enabled me to set before them the ,lord ,jesus ,christ as a kind and compassionate ,saviour1 inviting distressed and perishing sinners to accept everlasting mercy4 ,and a surprising concern soon appeared among them4 ,there were about twenty adult persons together1 7many of the ,indians at remote places1 not having as yet had time to come since my return47 and not above two that ,i could see with dry eyes4 ,some discovered vehement longings after ,christ1 to save them from the misery they felt and feared4 ,lord's-day1 ,august #d4 ,being invited by a neighbouring minister to assist in the administration of the ,lord's-supper1 ,i complied with his request1 and took the ,indians along with me2 not only those that were together the day before1 but many more that were coming to hear me2 so that there were near fifty in all4 ,now a change in their manners began to appear4 ,in the evening when they came to sup together1 they would not taste a morsel till they had sent to me to come and ask a blessing on their food2 at which time sundry of them wept1 especially when ,i minded them how they had in times past eat their feasts in honour to devils1 and neglected to thank ,god for them4 ,august #e4 ,after a sermon had been preached by another minister1 ,i preached1 and concluded the public work of the solemnity from ,john vii4 #cg4 ,in my discourse ,i addressed the ,indians in particular1 who sat by themselves in a part of the house2 at which time one or two of them were struck with deep concern1 who had been little affected before3 others had their concern increased to a considerable degree4 ,in the evening ,i discoursed to them1 and found them universally engaged1 inquiring1 8,what they should do to be saved80 ,and all their conversation among themselves turned upon religious matters1 in which they were much assisted by my interpreter1 who was with them day and night4 99,this day there was one woman1 that had been much concerned ever since she heard me preach in ,june1 who obtained comfort1 ,i trust solid and well grounded3 she seemed to be filled with love to ,christ1 at the same time she behaved humbly and tenderly1 and appeared afraid of nothing so much as of grieving him whom her soul loved4 ,august #f4 ,in the morning ,i discoursed to the ,indians at the house where we lodged3 many of them were then much affected1 so that a few words about their souls would cause the tears to flow freely1 and produce many sobs and groans4 99,in the afternoon1 they being returned to the place where ,i have usually preached among them1 ,i again discoursed to them there4 ,there were about fifty-five persons in all1 about forty that were capable of attending divine service with understanding3 ,i insisted upon #a ,john iv4 #aj4 8,herein is love10 c4 ,they seemed eager of hearing2 but there appeared nothing very remarkable1 till near the close of my discourse2 and then divine truths were attended with a surprising influence4 ,there was scarce three in forty that could refrain from tears and bitter cries4 ,they all as one1 seemed in an agony of soul to obtain an interest in ,christ2 and the more ,i discoursed of the love of ,god in sending his ,son to suffer for the sins of men2 and the more ,i invited them to come and partake of his love1 the more their distress was aggravated4 ,it was surprising to see how their hearts were pierced with the tender invitations of the gospel1 when there was not a word of terror spoken to them4 99,there were this day two persons that obtained comfort1 which appeared solid1 rational1 and scriptural4 ,after ,i had enquired into the grounds of their comfort1 ,i asked what they wanted ,god to do further for them8 ,they replied1 8,they wanted ,christ should wipe their hearts quite clean40 99,august #g4 ,i preached to the ,indians from ,isaiah liii4 #caj4 ,there was a remarkable influence attending the word4 ,most were much affected1 and many in great distress2 and some could neither go nor stand1 but lay flat on the ground1 as if pierced at heart1 crying incessantly for mercy3 several were newly awakened1 and it was remarkable1 that as fast as they came from remote places round about1 the ,spirit of ,god seemed to seize them4 ,after public service ,i found two persons more that had newly met with comfort1 of whom ,i had good hopes2 and a third that ,i could not but entertain some hopes of1 so that here were now six in all that had got some relief from their spiritual distresses1 and five whose experience appeared clear and satisfactory4 ,august #h4 ,in the afternoon ,i preached to the ,indians1 their number was now about sixty-five persons1 men1 women1 and children4 ,i discoursed from ,luke xiv4 #afbc1 and was favoured with uncommon freedom4 ,there was much concern among them while ,i was discoursing publicly2 but afterwards when ,i spoke to one and another more particularly1 the power of ,god seemed to descend upon the assembly 8like a rushing mighty wind10 and with an astonishing energy bore down all before it4 99,i stood amazed at the influence that seized the audience almost universally1 and could compare it to nothing more aptly than a mighty torrent1 that bears down and sweeps before it whatever is in its way4 ,almost all persons of all ages were bowed down together1 and scarce one was able to withstand the shock of this surprising operation4 ,old men and women1 who had been drunken wretches for many years1 and some little children1 not more than six or seven years of age1 appeared in distress for their souls1 as well as persons of middle age4 ,and it was apparent these children were not merely frighted with seeing the general concern2 but were made sensible of their danger1 the badness of their hearts1 and their misery without ,christ4 ,the most stubborn hearts were now obliged to bow4 ,a principal man among the ,indians1 who before thought his state good1 because he knew more than the generality of the ,indians1 and who with great confidence the day before1 told me1 8he had been a ,christian more than ten years10 was now brought under solemn concern for his soul1 and wept bitterly4 ,another man considerable in years1 who had been a murderer1 a powwow1 and a notorious drunkard1 was likewise brought now to cry for mercy with many tears1 and to complain much that he could be no more concerned when he saw his danger so great4 99,they were almost universally praying and crying for mercy in every part of the house1 and many out of doors1 and numbers could neither go nor stand3 their concern was so great1 each for himself1 that none seemed to take any notice of those about them1 but each prayed for themselves2 and were1 to their own apprehension1 as much retired as if every one had been by himself in a desert1 or1 rather1 they thought nothing about any but themselves1 and so were every one praying apart1 although all together4 ,it seemed to me there was now an exact fulfilment of that prophecy1 ,zechariah xii4 #aj1 #aa1 #ab4 for there was now 8a great mourning1 like the mourning of ,hadadrimmon20and each seemed to 8mourn apart40 ,methought this had a near resemblance to the day of ,god's power1 mentioned ,joshua x4 #ad4 for ,i must say1 ,i never saw any day like it in all respects2 it was a day wherein the ,lord did much destroy the kingdom of darkness among this people4 ,this concern was most rational and just2 those who had been awakened any considerable time1 complained especially of the badness of their hearts2 those newly awakened1 of the badness of their lives and actions2 and all were afraid of the anger of ,god1 and of everlasting misery as the desert of their sins4 ,some of the white people1 who came out of curiosity to 8hear what this babbler would say0 to the poor ignorant ,indians1 were much awakened1 and appeared to be wounded with a view of their perishing state4 ,those who lately obtained relief1 were filled with comfort2 they appeared calm and rejoiced in ,christ ,jesus2 and some of them took their distressed friends by the hand1 telling them of the goodness of ,christ1 and the comfort that is to be enjoyed in him1 and invited them to come and give up their hearts to him4 ,and ,i could observe some of them1 in the most unaffected manner1 lifting up their eyes to heaven1 as if crying for mercy1 while they saw the distress of the poor souls around them4 99,there was one remarkable instance this day1 that ,i cannot but take particular notice of4 ,a young ,indian woman1 who1 ,i believe1 never knew before she had a soul1 hearing that there was something strange among the ,indians1 came 7it seems7 to see what was the matter4 ,i had not proceeded far in my discourse1 before she felt effectually that she had a soul3 and before ,i had concluded1 was so convinced of her sin and misery1 and so distressed with concern for her soul1 that she seemed like one pierced through with a dart1 and cried out incessantly4 ,she could neither go nor stand1 nor sit on her seat without being held up4 ,after public service was over1 she lay flat on the ground praying earnestly1 and would take no notice of1 nor give any answer to any that spoke to her1 ,i hearkened to hear what she said1 and perceived the burden of her prayer to be1 ,guttummaukalummeh wechaumeh kmeleh ,ndah1 i4 e4 8,have mercy on me1 and help me to give you my heart40 ,and thus she continued praying incessantly for many hours4 ,august #i4 ,i spent almost the whole day with the ,indians1 the former part of it in discoursing with them privately1 especially some who lately received comfort1 and endeavouring to inquire into the grounds of it1 as well as to give them some proper instructions1 cautions1 and directions4 ,in the afternoon ,i discoursed to them publickly4 ,there were now present about seventy persons4 ,i opened and applied the parable of the sower1 and was enabled to discourse with much plainness4 ,there were many tears among them while ,i was discoursing1 but no considerable cry3 yet some were much affected with a few words spoken from ,matthew xi4 #bh4 with which ,i concluded4 ,but while ,i was discoursing near night to two or three of the awakened persons1 a divine influence seemed to attend what was spoken1 which caused the persons to cry out in anguish of soul1 although ,i spoke not a word of terror2 but1 on the contrary1 set before them the fulness of ,christ's merits1 and his willingness to save all that came to him4 99,the cry of these was heard by others1 who1 though scattered before1 immediately gathered round4 ,i then proceeded in the same strain of gospel invitation1 till they were all melted into tears and cries1 except two or three2 and seemed in the greatest distress to find and secure an interest in the great ,redeemer4,some who had but little more than a ruffle made in their passions the day before1 seemed now to be deeply affected3 and the concern in general appeared near as prevalent as the day before4 ,there was indeed a very great mourning among them and yet every one seemed to mourn apart4 ,for so great was their concern1 that almost every one was praying and crying for himself1 as if none had been near1 ,guttummaukalummeh1 guttummaukalummeh1 i4 e4 8,have mercy upon me1 have mercy upon me20 was the common cry4 ,it was very affecting to see the poor ,indians1 who the other day were yelling in their idolatrous feasts1 now crying to ,god with such importunity1 for an interest in his dear ,son6 ,i found two or three who ,i hope had taken comfort upon good grounds since the evening before2 and these1 with others that had obtained comfort1 were together1 and seemed to rejoice much that ,god was carrying on his work with such power upon others4 ,august #aj4 ,i began to discourse privately with those who had obtained comfort3 endeavouring to instruct1 direct1 caution1 and comfort them4 ,but others being eager of hearing every word that related to spiritual concerns1 soon came together one after another3 and when ,i had discoursed to the young converts more than half an hour1 they seemed much melted with divine things1 and earnestly desirous to be with ,christ4 ,when ,i had spent some time with these1 ,i turned to the other ,indians1 and spoke to them from ,luke xix4 #aj4 ,i had not discoursed long before their concern rose to a great degree1 and the house was filled with cries and groans4 ,and when ,i insisted on the compassion and care of the ,lord ,jesus ,christ for those that were lost1 and could find no way of escape1 this melted them down the more1 and aggravated their distress1 that they could not come to so kind a ,saviour4 ,sundry persons1 who before had been but slightly awakened1 were now deeply wounded4 ,and one man in particular1 who was never before awakened1 was now made to feel1 that 8the word of the ,lord was quick and powerful1 sharper than any two-edged sword40 ,he seemed to be pierced to the heart1 and said1 8all the wickedness of his past life was brought fresh to his remembrance1 and he saw all the vile actions he had done formerly1 as if done but yesterday40 ,i found one that had newly received comfort1 after pressing distress4 ,i could not but admire the divine goodness4 ,there seems to be some good done by every discourse1 some newly awakened every day1 and some comforted4 ,lord's-day1 ,august #aa4 ,i discoursed upon part of ,st4 ,peter's sermon1 ,acts ii4 and at the close of my discourse to the ,indians1 made an address to the white people1 and divine truths seemed to be attended with power both to the ,english and ,indians4 ,several of the white ,heathen were awakened1 and could no longer be idle spectators1 but found they had souls to save as well as the ,indians1 and a great concern spread through the whole assembly1 so that this also appeared to be a day of ,god's power4 ,the number of the ,indians1 old and young1 was now upwards of seventy1 and one or two were newly awakened this day1 who never appeared to be moved before4 ,those that had obtained comfort1 and had given evidences1 of a saving change1 appeared humble and devout1 and behaved in an agreeable and ,christian manner4 ,i was refreshed to see the tenderness of conscience manifest in some of them4 99,perceiving one of them very sorrowful in the morning1 ,i enquired into the cause of her sorrow1 and found she had been angry with her child the evening before1 and was in fear lest her anger had been inordinate1 which so grieved her1 that she waked and began to sob before daylight1 and continued weeping for several hours together4 ,august #ad4 ,i spent the day with the ,indians4 ,there was one of them who had some time since put away his wife1 7as is common among them7 and taken another woman1 and being now brought under some serious impressions1 was earnestly desirous to know what ,god would have him do4 ,when the law of ,god respecting marriage had been opened to them1 and the cause of his leaving his wife enquired into2 and when it appeared she had given him no just occasion by unchastity to desert her1 and that she was willing to forgive his past misconduct1 he was then told1 that it was his indispensable duty to renounce the woman he had last taken1 and receive the other who was his proper wife2 with which he chearfully complied1 and thereupon publicly renounced the woman he had last taken1 and publicly promised to live with his wife during life4,and here appeared a clear demonstration of the power of ,god's word upon their hearts4 ,a few weeks before the whole world could not have persuaded him to a compliance with ,christian rules in this affair4 ,august #ae4 ,i preached from ,luke iv4 #afba4 ,the word was attended with power upon the hearts of the hearers4 ,there was much concern1 many tears1 and affecting cries among them1 and some were deeply wounded4 ,there were some newly awakened1 and convictions seemed to be promoted in others4,those that had received comfort1 were likewise refreshed and strengthened1 and the work of grace appeared to advance in all respects4 ,august #af4 ,i spent a considerable time in conversing privately with sundry of the ,indians4 ,i found one that had comfort1 after pressing concern1 and could not but hope1 when ,i discoursed with her1 that her comfort was of the right kind4 ,in the afternoon toward the close of my discourse1 divine truths were attended with considerable power upon the audience1 and more especially after public service was over1 when ,i particularly addressed the distressed persons4 ,there was a great concern for their souls spread generally among them3 but especially there were two persons newly awakened1 one of whom was lately come1 and the other had all along been very attentive1 but could never before have any lively view of her perishing state4 ,but now her spiritual distress was such1 that ,i had never seen any more pressing4 ,sundry old men were also in distress for their souls2 so that they could not refrain from weeping and crying out aloud1 and their bitter groans were the most convincing1 as well as affecting evidence of the depth of their inward anguish4,god is powerfully at work among them6 ,true and genuine convictions of sin are daily promoted in many instances1 and some are newly awakened from time to time4 ,august #ag4 ,i spent much time in private conferences with the ,indians4 ,i found one who had newly obtained comfort1 after a long season of spiritual distress1 7he was one of my hearers in the ,forks of ,delaware for more than a year1 and now followed me hither under deep concern7 and ,i had abundant reason to hope that his comfort was well grounded4 ,friday1 ,august #bc4 ,i spent some time with the ,indians in private discourse2 and afterwards preached4 ,several appeared deeply concerned for their souls1 and could not but express their inward anguish by tears and cries4 ,but the amazing influence that has been so powerfully among them1 seems1 at present in some degree abated4 ,august #bd4 ,i spent the forenoon in discoursing to some of the ,indians1 in order to their receiving the ordinance of baptism4 ,when ,i had opened the nature of the ordinance1 the obligations attending it1 the duty of devoting ourselves to ,god in it1 and the privilege of being in covenant with him1 sundry of them seemed to be filled with love to ,god1 and delighted with the thoughts of giving up themselves to him in that solemn and public manner4 ,afterwards ,i discoursed publicly from #a ,thessalonians iv4 #acag4 ,there was a solemn attention1 and visible concern in the time of public service1 which was afterwards increased by some further exhortation given them to come to ,christ1 and give up their hearts to him1 that they might be fitted to 8ascend up and meet him in the air40 ,there were several ,indians newly come1 who thought their state good1 because they had lived with the white people1 although they were altogether unacquainted with the power of religion4 ,with those ,i discoursed particularly after public worship1 and was surprized to see their self-righteous disposition1 and the high value they put upon their supposed attainments4 ,yet after much discourse1 one appeared convinced1 that 8by the deeds of the law no flesh living should be justified10 and wept bitterly1 inquiring1 8what he must do to be saved80 ,lord's-day1 ,august #be4 ,i preached in the forenoon from ,luke xv4 #cg4 ,there being a multitude of white people present1 ,i made an address to them at the close of my discourse3 but could not so much as keep them orderly2 for scores of them kept walking and gazing about1 and behaved more indecently than any ,indians ,i ever addressed4 ,afterwards ,i baptized twenty-five persons of the ,indians1 fifteen adults1 and ten children4 ,most of the adults ,i have reason to hope are renewed persons3 only the case of two or three appeared more doubtful4 ,after the croud of spectators was gone1 ,i called the baptized persons together1 and discoursed to them in particular1 minded them of the solemn obligations they were now under to live to ,god1 and encouraged them to watchfulness and devotion1 by setting before them the comfort and happy conclusion of a religious life4,this was a sweet season6 ,their hearts were engaged and chearful in duty1 and they rejoiced that they had in a public and solemn manner dedicated themselves to ,god4,love seemed to reign among them6 ,they took each other by the hand with tenderness and affection1 as if their hearts were knit together1 while ,i was discoursing to them3 and all their deportment towards each other was such1 that a serious spectator might justly be excited to cry out with admiration1 8,behold how they love one another60 ,sundry of the other ,indians at seeing and hearing these things1 were much affected and wept bitterly1 longing to be partakers of the same comfort that these discovered by their countenances as well as conduct4 ,monday1 ,august #bf4 ,i preached from ,john vi4 #eaee4 ,after ,i had discoursed some time1 ,i addressed those in particular who entertained hopes that they were 8passed from death to life40 ,i opened to them the nature of those consolations ,christ gives his people1 shewed them that such have already the 8beginnings of eternal life10 7verse #ed47 and that their heaven shall be speedily completed4 ,i no sooner begun to discourse1 but the ,christians in the congregation began to be melted with affection to1 and desire of the enjoyment of ,christ1 and of a state of perfect purity4 ,they wept affectionately and yet joyfully1 and their tears and sobs discovered brokenness of heart1 and yet were attended with comfort and sweetness2 so that this was a tender1 affectionate1 humble1 delightful1 melting1 and appeared to be the genuine effect of the spirit of adoption4 ,the influence spread from these through the whole assembly1 and there quickly appeared a wonderful concern among them4 ,many who had not yet found ,christ1 were surprisingly engaged in seeking him4 ,their number was now about ninety-five persons1 and almost all affected either with joy in ,christ1 or with the utmost concern to obtain an interest in him4 ,being convinced it was now my duty to take a journey to the ,indians on ,susquahannah river1 after having spent some hours in public and private discourses with my people1 ,i told them that ,i must leave them for the present1 and go to their brethren far remote1 and preach to them2 that ,i wanted the spirit of ,god should go with me1 without whom nothing could be done to any good purpose1 as they themselves had had an opportunity to see3 and asked them if they would not spend the remainder of the day in prayer for me1 that ,god would go with me1 and succeed my endeavours4 99,they chearfully complied1 and soon after ,i left them 7the sun being then about an hour and half high7 they began and continued praying all night till break of day1 never mistrusting 7they told me7 till they went and saw the morning star a considerable height1 that it was later than common bed time4 ,this day an old ,indian1 who has all his days been an obstinate idolater1 was brought to give up his rattles 7which they use for music in their idolatrous feasts and dances7 to the other ,indians1 who quickly destroyed them2 and this without an attempt of mine in the affair1 so that it was nothing but the power of ,god's word1 without any particular application to this sin1 that produced this effect4 ,thus ,god has begun1 thus he has hitherto carried on a work of grace among these ,indians4 ,may the glory be ascribed to him1 who is the sole author of it6 ,the next day he set out on a journey towards the forks of ,delaware1 designing to go from thence to ,susquahannah1 before he returned to ,crosweeksung4 ,it was five days from his departure from ,crosweeksung1 before he reached the forks1 going round by the way of ,philadelphia1 and waiting on the governor of ,pensylvania1 to get a recommendation from him to the chiefs of the ,indians4 ,forks of ,delaware4 ,lord's-day1 ,september #a4 ,i preached to the ,indians here1 from ,luke xiv4 #afbc4 ,afterwards ,i preached to a number of white people1 and observed many of them in tears1 and some who had been formerly as careless and unconcerned about religion as the ,indians4 ,towards night ,i discoursed to the ,indians again and perceived a greater attention1 and more visible concern among them1 than has been usual in these parts4 ,september #c4 ,i preached to the ,indians from ,isaiah liii4 #cf4 ,the divine presence seemed to be in the midst of the assembly1 and a considerable concern spread among them4 ,sundry persons seemed to be awakened1 among whom were two stupid creatures1 that ,i could scarce ever before keep awake while ,i was discoursing to them4 8awake0 replaced with 8keep awake0 per ,errata ,wednesday1 ,september #d4 ,i rode #ae miles to an ,irish settlement1 and preached there from ,luke xiv4 #bb4 8and yet there is room40 ,god was pleased to afford me some tenderness and enlargement in the first prayer1 and much freedom1 as well as warmth in the sermon4 ,there were many tears in the assembly3 the people of ,god seemed to melt1 and others to be in some measure awakened4 ,blessed be the ,lord1 that lets me see his work going on in one place and another4 ,september #e4 ,i discoursed to the ,indians from the parable of the sower1 and afterwards conversed particularly with sundry persons1 which occasioned them to weep1 and even to cry out in an affecting manner1 and seized others with surprise and concern4 ,several of these had been with me to ,crosweeksung1 and some of them felt the power of ,god's word4 ,i asked one of them why he cried8 ,he replied1 8,when he thought how ,christ was slain like a lamb and spilt his blood for sinners1 he could not help crying30 and thereupon burst into tears and cries again4 ,i then asked his wife1 who likewise had been abundantly comforted1 wherefore she cried8 ,she answered1 8,she was grieved that the ,indians here would not come to ,christ1 as well as those at ,crosweeksung40 ,i asked her if she found a heart to pray for them1 and whether ,christ had been near to her of late in prayer1 as in time past8 7which is my usual method of expressing a sense of the divine presence47 ,she replied1 8,yes1 he had been near to her2 and that at sometimes when she had been praying alone1 her heart loved to pray so1 that she could not bear to leave the place1 but wanted to stay and pray longer40 ,lord's-day1 ,september #h4 ,i discoursed to the ,indians1 forenoon and afternoon4 ,the word of ,god seemed to fall with weight and influence upon them4 ,there were but few present1 but most that were1 were in tears1 and sundry cried out under distressing concern for their souls4 ,there was one man awakened1 who never before discovered any concern for his soul4 ,there appeared a remarkable work of the ,spirit1 not unlike what had been at ,crosweeksung4 ,it seemed as if the divine influence had spread from thence to this place4 ,sundry of the careless white people now present were startled seeing the power of ,god so prevalent among the ,indians4 ,i then made a particular address to them1 which seemed to make some impression upon them4 ,in the evening ,god was pleased to enlarge me in prayer1 and give me freedom at the throne of grace2 ,i cried to ,god for the enlargement of his kingdom1 particularly among my dear people3 and for many dear ministers of my acquaintance1 both in these parts and in ,new-,england4 ,and my soul was so engaged in that sweet exercise1 that ,i knew not how to leave the mercy seat4 ,i saw ,god was both able and willing to do all that ,i desired4 ,and when ,i was going to bed1 ,god helped me to renew my petitions with ardency and freedom4 ,monday1 ,september #i4 ,i left the ,forks of ,delaware1 and set out for ,susquahannah-river1 directing my course towards the ,indian-town more than an hundred and twenty miles westward from the ,forks4 ,september #ac4 ,after having lodged out three nights ,i came to the ,indian-town on ,susquahannah called ,shaumoking1 7one of the places ,i visited in ,may last17 and was kindly received by the ,indians2 but had little satisfaction by reason of the heathenish dance they held in the house where ,i was obliged to lodge1 which ,i could not suppress1 though ,i often intreated them to desist1 for the sake of one who was sick in the house4 8at0 replaced with 8,i came to0 per ,errata ,this town lies partly on the east side of the river1 partly on the west1 and partly on a large island in it1 and contains upwards of fifty houses1 and near three hundred persons3 but of three different tribes1 speaking three languages wholly unintelligible to each other4 ,about one half of its inhabitants are ,delawares1 the others called ,senakas1 and ,tutelas4 ,the ,indians of this place are counted the most drunken1 mischievous1 and ruffianly fellows of any in these parts2 and ,satan seems to have his seat in this town in an eminent manner4 ,saturday1 ,september #ad4 ,i visited the ,delaware king1 7who was supposed to be at the point of death when ,i was here in ,may1 but was now recovered17 discoursed with him and others respecting ,christianity1 and had more encouragement than ,i expected4 ,the king appeared willing to be instructed2 this gave me some hope1 that ,god would open an effectual door for my preaching the gospel here4 ,this was a refreshment to me in the wilderness1 and rendered my solitary circumstances comfortable4 99,in the evening my soul was enlarged in prayer2 especially1 that ,god would set up his kingdom in this place4 ,my soul cried1 8,lord1 set up thy kingdom1 for thine own glory4 ,glorify thyself2 and ,i shall rejoice4 ,get honour to thy blessed name2 and this is all ,i desire4 ,do with me just what thou wilt4 ,blessed be thy name for ever1 that thou art ,god1 and that thou wilt glorify thyself4 ,o that the whole world might glorify thee6 ,o let these poor people be brought to know thee1 and love thee1 for the glory of thy ever-blessed name60 ,lord's-day1 ,september #ae4 ,i visited the chief of the ,delawares again2 and discoursed to the ,indians in the afternoon4 ,i still hoped that ,god would open their hearts to receive the gospel1 though many of them were so drunk from day to day1 that ,i could get no opportunity to speak to them4 ,september #af4 ,i spent the forenoon with the ,indians1 endeavouring to instruct them from house to house1 and to engage them1 to be friendly to ,christianity4 ,towards night ,i went to a part of the town where they were sober1 and got together near fifty persons of them4,there was a surprising attention among them1 and they manifested a desire of being further instructed4 ,there was also one or two that seemed to be touched1 and appeared pleased with some conversation in private1 after ,i had concluded my public discourse4 ,my spirits were much refreshed1 and ,i could not but return with my interpreter 7having no other companion in this journey7 to my poor hard lodgings1 rejoicing in hopes that ,god designed to set up his kingdom here1 and found uncommon freedom in addressing the throne of grace for the accomplishment of so glorious a work4 ,september #ag4 ,i spent the forenoon in discoursing to the ,indians4 ,about noon ,i left ,shaumoking1 7most of the ,indians going out this day to hunt17 and travelled down the river south-westward4 ,september #ai4 ,i visited an ,indian town called ,juneauta1 situate on an island in ,susquahannah4 ,i was much discouraged with the behaviour of the ,indians here4 ,although they appeared friendly when ,i was with them last spring2 yet they now seemed resolved to retain their ,pagan notions1 and persist in their idolatrous practices4 ,september #bj4 ,i visited the ,indians again at ,juneauta island1 and found them busy in making preparations for a great sacrifice and dance4 ,so ,i had no opportunity to get them together in order to discourse about ,christianity4 ,my spirits were much sunk1 especially seeing ,i had now no interpreter but a ,pagan1 who was as much attached to idolatry as any of them4 ,however1 ,i discoursed privately with some of them1 but without any appearance of success4 ,in the evening they met together1 near an hundred of them1 and danced round a large fire1 having prepared ten fat deer for the sacrifice4 ,the fat of the inwards they burnt in the fire while they were dancing1 and sometimes raised the flame to a prodigious height1 at the same time yelling and shouting in such a manner1 that they might have been heard two miles or more4 ,they continued their sacred dance all night2 after which they eat the flesh of the sacrifice1 and retired each to his lodging4 ,i enjoyed little satisfaction this night1 being entirely alone on the island1 7as to any ,christian company17 and having walked to and fro' till body and mind were much oppressed1 ,i at length crept into a little crib made for corn1 and there slept on the poles4 99,lord's-day1 ,september #ba4 ,i spent the day with the ,indians on the island4 ,as soon as they were up1 ,i attempted to instruct them1 and laboured to get them together1 but quickly found they had something else to do2 for they gathered together all their powwows1 7or conjurers17 and set about half a dozen of them to playing their tricks1 and acting their frantic postures1 in order to find out why they were so sickly1 numbers of them being at that time disordered with a fever1 and bloody flux4 ,in this they were engaged for several hours1 making all the wild distracted motions imaginable3 sometimes singing2 sometimes howling2 sometimes extending their hands to the utmost stretch1 spreading all their fingers1 and seemed to push with them1 as if they designed to fright something away1 or at least keep it off at arms-end2 sometimes stroking their faces with their hands1 then spurting water as fine as mist2 sometimes sitting flat on the earth1 then bowing down their faces to the ground2 wringing their sides1 as if in pain and anguish3 twisting their faces1 turning up their eyes1 grunting1 or puffing4 99,their monstrous actions seemed to have something in them peculiarly suited to raise the devil1 if he could be raised by any thing odd and frightful4 ,some of them were much more fervent in the business than others1 and seemed to chant1 peep1 and mutter with a great degree of warmth and vigour4 ,i sat about thirty feet from them1 7though undiscovered7 with my bible in my hand1 resolving1 if possible1 to spoil their sport1 and prevent their receiving any answers from the infernal world4 ,they continued their hideous charms for more than three hours1 until they had all wearied themselves out1 although they had taken sundry intervals of rest3 and at length broke up1 ,i apprehended1 without receiving any answer4 ,after they had done powwowing1 ,i attempted to discourse with them about ,christianity2 but they soon scattered1 and gave no opportunity4 ,a view of these things1 while ,i was destitute of the society of any one that so much as 8named the name of ,christ10 greatly sunk my spirits1 so that ,i had no heart nor power to make any further attempts among them4 ,the ,indians of this island many of them understand ,english1 having formerly lived in ,maryland near the white people1 but are very vicious1 drunken1 and profane1 although not so savage as those who have less acquaintance with the ,english4 ,their method of charming over the sick1 seems somewhat different from that of other ,indians3 and the whole of it perhaps is an imitation of what seems1 by ,naaman's expression1 #b ,kings v4 #aa4 to have been the custom of the ancient ,heathens4 ,for it seems chiefly to consist in their 8striking their hands over the diseased10 repeatedly stroking of them1 8and calling upon their gods10 excepting the spurting of water1 and some other frantic ceremonies common to the other conjurations4 99,when ,i was in these parts in ,may last1 ,i had an opportunity of learning many of the customs of the ,indians3 ,i then travelling more than an hundred and thirty miles upon the river above the ,english settlements2 and had in that journey a view of persons of seven or eight distinct tribes1 speaking so many different languages4 ,but of all the sights ,i ever saw among them1 none appeared so near a-kin to what is usually imagined of infernal powers1 as the appearance of one who was a devout and zealous reformer1 or rather restorer1 of what he supposed was the ancient religion of the ,indians4 ,he made his appearance in his pontifical garb1 which was a coat of bear skins1 dressed with the hair on1 and hanging down to his toes1 a pair of bear-skin stockings1 and a great wooden face1 painted the one half black and the other tawny1 about the colour of an ,indian's skin1 with an extravagant mouth1 cut very much awry2 the face fastened to a bear-skin cap1 which was drawn over his head4 ,he advanced toward me with the instrument in his hand that he used for music in his idolatrous worship which was a dry tortoise-shell1 with some corn in it1 and the neck of it drawn on a piece of wood1 which made a very convenient handle4 ,as he came forward1 he beat his tune with the rattle1 and danced with all his might1 but did not suffer any part of his body1 not so much as his fingers1 to be seen3 and no man would have guessed1 by his appearance1 that he could have been a human creature4 ,when he came near me1 ,i could not but shrink away from him1 although it was then noon day1 and ,i knew who it was4 ,he had a house consecrated to religious uses1 with divers images cut out upon the several parts of it2 ,i went in and found the ground beat almost as hard as a rock with their frequent dancing4,i discoursed with him about ,christianity1 and some of my discourse he seemed to like1 but some of it he disliked entirely4 ,he told me that ,god had taught him his religion1 and that he never would turn from it1 but wanted to find some that would join heartily with him in it2 for the ,indians1 he said1 were grown very degenerate4 ,he had thoughts1 he said1 of leaving all his friends1 and travelling abroad1 in order to find some that would join with him2 for he believed ,god had some good people some where1 that felt as he did4 ,he had not always1 he said1 felt as he now did1 but had formerly been like the rest of the ,indians1 until about four or five years ago3 then1 he said1 his heart was very much distressed1 so that he could not live among the ,indians1 but got away into the woods1 and lived alone for some months4 ,at length1 he says1 ,god shewed him what he should do2 and since that time he had known ,god1 and tried to serve him2 and loved all men1 be they who they would1 so as he never did before4,he treated me with uncommon courtesy1 and seemed to be hearty in it4,and ,i was told by the ,indians1 that he opposed their drinking strong liquor with all his power2 and if at any time he could not dissuade them from it1 he would leave them1 and go crying into the woods4 ,it was manifest he had a set of religious notions that he had looked into for himself1 and not taken for granted upon bare tradition2 and he relished or disrelished whatever was spoken of a religious nature1 according as it either agreed or disagreed with his standard4 ,and while ,i was discoursing he would sometimes say1 8,now that ,i like3 so ,god has taught me40 ,and some of his sentiments seemed very just4 ,yet he utterly denied the being of a devil1 and declared there was no such creature known among the ,indians of old times4 ,he likewise told me1 that departed souls all went southward1 and that the difference between the good and bad was this1 that the former were admitted into a beautiful town with spiritual walls1 or walls agreeable to the nature of souls2 and that the latter would for ever hover round those walls1 and in vain attempt to get in4 ,he seemed to be sincere1 honest1 and conscientious in his own way1 which was more than ,i ever saw in any other ,pagan2 and ,i perceived he was derided among most of the ,indians as a precise zealot4 ,i must say1 there was something in his temper that looked more like true religion than any thing ,i ever observed among other ,heathens4 8pontificial0 replaced with 8pontifical0 ,september #bb4 ,i made some further attempts to instruct the ,indians on this island1 but all to no purpose4 ,they live so near the white people1 that they are always in the way of strong liquor1 as well as the ill examples of nominal ,christians2 which renders it unspeakably difficult to treat with them about ,christianity4 8diffcult0 replaced with 8difficult0 ,on ,monday1 ,september #bc4 ,he left the ,indians1 in order to his return to the ,forks of ,delaware1 in a very weak state of body1 and under dejection of mind1 which continued the two first days of his journey4 ,thursday1 ,september #bf4 ,i was still much disordered in body1 and able to ride but slowly1 ,i continued my journey however4 ,near night ,i arrived at the ,irish settlement1 about fifteen miles from mine own house4 ,this day ,i was much exercised with a sense of my barrenness3 and verily thought1 there was no creature that had any true grace1 but what was more spiritual and fruitful than ,i3 ,i could not think that any of ,god's children made so poor a hand of living to ,god as ,i4 ,forks of ,delaware4 ,october #a4 ,i discoursed to the ,indians here1 and afterwards invited them to follow me to ,crosweeksung as soon as their conveniency would admit2 which invitation sundry of them chearfully accepted4 ,saturday1 ,october #e4 ,i preached at ,crosweeksung1 from ,john xiv4 #af4 ,the divine presence seemed to be in the assembly4 ,numbers were affected1 and some comforted4 ,o what a difference is there between these and the ,indians upon ,susquahannah6 ,to be with those seemed like being banished from ,god and all his people2 to be with these like being admitted into his family1 and to the enjoyment of his presence6 ,how great is the change made upon these ,indians1 who not many months ago were as averse to ,christianity1 as those upon ,susquahannah6 ,lord's-day1 ,october #f4 ,i preached in the forenoon from ,john x4 #gaa4 ,there was a considerable melting among my people2 the young ,christians were comforted and strengthened1 and one or two persons newly awakened4 ,in the afternoon ,i discoursed on the story of the jailor1 ,acts xvi4 and in the evening expounded ,acts xx4 #aab4 ,there was at this time a melting through the whole assembly4 ,there was scarce a dry eye to be seen among them1 and nothing but what tended to excite a ,christian ardour and spirit of devotion4 ,after public service ,i withdrew1 and the ,indians continued praying among themselves for near two hours together2 which exercises appeared to be attended with a blessed influence from on high4 ,i could not but earnestly wish that numbers of ,god's people had been present at this season1 to see and hear these things which ,i am sure must refresh the heart of every true lover of ,zion4 ,to see those1 who very lately were savage ,pagans and idolaters1 8having no hope1 and without ,god in the world10 now filled with a sense of divine love1 and worshipping the 8,father in spirit and in truth10 was not a little affecting2 and especially to see them so tender and humble1 as well as lively1 fervent1 and devout4 ,monday1 ,october #g4 ,being called by the church of ,east-,hampton on ,long-,island1 as a member of a council1 to advise in affairs of difficulty in that church1 ,i set out this morning1 before it was well light1 and travelled to ,elisabeth-,town4 ,he prosecuted his journey with the other ministers that were sent for3 and did not return till ,october #bd4 ,october #bd4 ,i discoursed from ,john iv4 #acad4 ,there was a great attention1 and an unaffected melting in the assembly4,it is surprising to see how eager they are to hear the word of ,god4 ,i have often thought they would chearfully attend divine worship twenty-four hours together4 ,october #be4 ,i discoursed to my people on the resurrection1 from ,luke xx4 #bgcf4 ,and when ,i came to mention the blessedness the good shall enjoy at that season2 their final freedom from death1 and sorrow2 their equality to the angels in regard of their nearness to1 and enjoyment of ,christ2 and their being the children of ,god1 openly acknowledged by him as such2 ,i say1 when ,i mentioned these things1 numbers of them were much affected1 and melted with a view of this blessed state4 ,october #bf4 ,being called to assist in the administration of the ,lord's-supper in a neighbouring congregation1 ,i invited my people to go with me1 who embraced the opportunity chearfully1 and attended the discourses of that solemnity with diligence and affection1 most of them now understanding something of the ,english language4 ,lord's-day1 ,october #bg4 ,while ,i was preaching to a vast assembly of people abroad1 who appeared generally easy and secure enough1 there was one ,indian woman1 a stranger1 who never heard me preach before1 nor ever regarded any thing about religion1 7being now persuaded by some of her friends to come though much against her will7 was seized with a pressing concern for her soul1 and soon after expressed a great desire of going home1 7more than forty miles distant7 to call her husband1 that he also might have a concern for his soul4 ,some other of the ,indians also appeared to be affected with divine truths this day4 ,the pious people of the ,english 7numbers of whom ,i had an opportunity to converse with7 seemed refreshed with seeing the ,indians worship ,god in that devout and solemn manner1 and could not but 8glorify ,god1 saying1 ,then hath ,god also to the ,gentiles granted repentance unto life40 99,october #bh4 ,i discoursed from ,matthew xxii4 #aac4 ,i was enabled to adapt my discourse to the capacities of my people1 8,i know not how10 in a plain1 easy1 and familiar manner1 beyond all that ,i could have done by the utmost study3 and this1 with as much freedom1 as if ,i had been addressing a common audience1 who had been instructed in ,christianity all their days4 99,the word of ,god at this time seemed to fall upon the assembly with a divine power1 especially toward the close of my discourse3 there was both a sweet melting1 and bitter mourning in the audience4,the ,christians were refreshed and comforted1 convictions revived in others1 and sundry persons newly awakened who had never been with us before2 and so much of the divine presence appeared in the assembly1 that it seemed1 8this was no other than the gate of heaven40 ,all that had any relish of divine things were even constrained to say1 8,lord1 it is good for us to be here60 ,if ever there was among my people an appearance of the ,new ,jerusalem8as a bride adorned for her husband10 there was at this time4 ,and so agreeable was the entertainment1 that ,i could scarce tell how to leave the place4 ,lord's-day1 ,november #c4 ,i baptized fourteen ,indians1 six adults and eight children3 one of these was near fourscore years of age1 and ,i have reason to hope ,god has brought her home to himself3 two of the others were men of fifty years old1 who had been singular even among the ,indians for their wickedness2 one of them had been a murderer1 and both notorious drunkards1 as well as excessive quarrelsome2 but now ,i cannot but hope both are really changed4 ,i deferred their baptism for many weeks1 that ,i might have more opportunities to observe the fruits of those impressions they had been under4 ,indeed there was not but one of the adults but had given me grounds to hope1 that ,god had wrought a good work in their hearts4 8,october #bc0 replaced with 8,november #c0 8was0 replaced with 8was not0 per ,errata ,november #d4 ,there were sundry of the persons lately come from remote places1 that were now brought under deep concern for their souls2 particularly one1 who not long since came half drunk1 and railed on us1 and attempted to disturb us while engaged in divine worship1 was so distressed1 that she seemed unable to get any ease without an interest in ,christ4 ,there were many tears and affectionate groans in the assembly in general1 some weeping for themselves1 others for their friends4 ,and though persons are doubtless much more easily affected now1 than they were in the beginning of this religious concern1 when tears and cries for their souls were things unheard of among them2 yet1 their affection in general appeared genuine and unfeigned2 and especially in those newly awakened4 8to0 replaced with 8of0 per ,errata ,i baptized a child this day1 and perceived several of the baptized persons1 affected1 as being thereby minded of their own solemn engagements4 ,i have now baptized in all forty-seven persons of the ,indians1 twenty adults1 and twenty-four children2 thirty-five of them belonging to these parts1 and the rest to the ,forks of ,delaware2 and they have none of them yet been a disgrace to their profession4 ,before ,i proceed1 ,i would make a few remarks4 ,and #ast1 ,it is remarkable that ,god began this work among the ,indians at a time when ,i had the least prospect of seeing a work of grace among them4 ,my bodily strength being then much wasted by a tedious journey to ,susquahannah1 my mind exceedingly depressed with a view of the unsuccessfulness of my labours1 ,i had little to hope that ,god would make me instrumental of the saving conversion of any of the ,indians1 whence ,i was ready to look upon myself as a burden to the society that employed me4 ,i began to entertain serious thoughts of giving up my mission2 and almost resolved ,i would1 at the conclusion of the year1 if ,i had no better prospect in my work than ,i had hitherto had4 ,in this frame of mind ,i first visited these ,indians at ,crosweeksung1 apprehending it was my duty to make some attempts for their conversion1 though ,i cannot say1 ,i had any hope of success4 ,and yet this was the very season that ,god saw fit to begin this glorious work in6 ,and thus he 8ordained strength out of weakness10 by making bare his almighty arm at a time when all hopes and human probabilities failed48,whence ,i learn that it is good to follow the path of duty1 though in the midst of darkness and discouragement40 #b;dly1 ,it is remarkable how ,god1 in a manner almost unaccountable1 called these ,indians together and how he seized their minds with the most solemn concern as fast as they came to the place where his word was preached4 ,when ,i first came into these parts1 ,i found not one man at the place1 but only four women1 and a few children3 but before ,i had been there many days1 they gathered from all quarters1 some from more than twenty miles distant3 and when ,i made them a second visit1 some came more than forty miles to hear me4 8seised0 replaced with 8seized0 ,and many came without any intelligence of what was going on here1 and consequently without any design1 so much as to gratify their curiosity2 so that it seemed as if ,god had summoned them together from all quarters for nothing else but to deliver his message to them4 ,nor is it less surprising that they were one after another affected with a solemn concern1 almost as soon as they came upon the spot where divine truths were taught them4 ,i could not but think1 their coming to this place was like ,saul and his messengers coming among the prophets2 they no sooner came but they prophesied3 and these were almost as soon affected with a sense of their sin and misery1 and with an earnest concern for deliverance1 as they made their appearance in our assembly4,after this work of grace began with power among them1 it was common for strangers of the ,indians1 before they had been with us one day1 to be deeply convinced of their sin and misery1 and to inquire with great solicitude1 8,what they should do to be saved80 8were0 replaced with 8where0 #c;dly1 ,it is likewise remarkable how ,god preserved these poor ignorant ,indians from being prejudiced against me1 and the truths ,i taught them4 ,there were many attempts made by some of the white people to prejudice them against1 or fright them from ,christianity4 ,they sometimes told them1 the ,indians were well enough already3that there was no need of all this noise about ,christianity3that if they were ,christians1 they would be in no better1 no safer1 or happier state1 than they were already4 ,sometimes they told them1 that ,i was a knave1 a deceiver3 that ,i taught them lies1 and had no other design but to impose upon them4 ,and when none of these suggestions would avail1 they told the ,indians1 8,my design was to gather together as large a body of men as ,i could1 and sell them to ,england for slaves40 ,nothing could be more likely to terrify the ,indians1 they being naturally of a jealous disposition1 and the most averse to a state of servitude perhaps of any people living4 ,but all these insinuations 7through divine goodness7 constantly turned against the authors of them1 and only served to engage the affections of the ,indians more firmly to me3 for they could not but observe1 that the persons who endeavoured to imbitter their minds against me1 were altogether unconcerned about their own souls1 and not only so1 but vicious and profane2 and thence could not but argue1 that if they had no concern for their own1 it was not likely they should have any for the souls of others4 ,it seems the more wonderful that the ,indians were preserved from hearkening to these suggestions1 as ,i was an utter stranger among them1 and could give no assurance of my sincere affection1 by any thing that was past1while the persons that insinuated these things were their old acquaintance1 who had had frequent opportunities of gratifying them1 and consequently had the greatest interest in their affections4 #dthly1 ,nor is it less wonderful how ,god was pleased to provide a remedy for my want of skill in the ,indian language1 by remarkably fitting my interpreter for1 and assisting him in the performance of his work4 ,it might be supposed ,i must labour under a vast disadvantage in addressing the ,indians by an interpreter1 and that divine truths would lose much of their energy1 by coming to the audience from a second hand4 ,but although this has often been the case in times past1 when my interpreter had little sense of divine things1 yet now it is quite otherwise4 ,i cannot think my addresses to the ,indians since the beginning of this season of grace1 have lost any thing of the power with which they were made1 unless it were sometimes for want of pertinent expressions in the ,indian language4 ,my interpreter had before gained some good degree of doctrinal knowledge1 whereby he was capable of understanding and communicating the meaning of my discourses1 without being obliged to interpret word for word4 ,he had likewise an experimental acquaintance with divine things2 and it pleased ,god at this season to inspire his mind with longing desires for the conversion of the ,indians1 and to give him admirable zeal and fervency in addressing them4 ,and it is remarkable1 that when ,i was favoured with any special assistance1 and enabled to speak with more than common freedom1 fervency1 and power1 he was affected in the same manner almost instantly1 and enabled to speak in the same pathetic language that ,i did4 ,and a surprising energy often accompanied the word at such seasons2 so that the face of the whole assembly would be changed almost in an instant1 and tears and sobs became common among them4 ,he likewise took pains day and night to inculcate upon the ,indians the truths ,i taught them daily2 and this not from spiritual pride1 but from a spirit of faithfulness1 and an honest concern for their souls4 ,and thus ,god1 without bestowing on me the gift of tongues1 could find a way wherein ,i might be effectually enabled to convey the truths of his glorious gospel to the minds of these poor benighted ,pagans4 ,lastly1 ,the effects of this work have been very remarkable4 ,i doubt not but that many of these people have gained more knowledge of divine truths since ,june last1 than could have been instilled into their minds by the most diligent use of proper means for whole years together1 without such a divine influence4 ,their ,pagan notions and idolatrous practices seem to be entirely abandoned4 ,they are regularly disposed in the affairs of marriage2 an instance whereof ,i have given in my ,journal of ,august #ad4 ,they seem generally divorced from drunkenness1 their darling vice1 and the 8sin that easily besets them30 so that ,i do not know of more than two or three who have been my steady hearers1 that have drank to excess since ,i first visited them1 although before it was common for some or other of them to be drunk almost every day3 and some of them seem now to fear this sin in particular more than death itself4 ,a principle of honesty and justice appears in many of them1 and they seem concerned to discharge their old debts1 which they have neglected1 and1 perhaps1 scarce thought of for years past4 ,their manner of living is much more decent and comfortable than formerly4 ,love reigns among them1 especially those who have experienced a real change3 and ,i never saw any appearance of bitterness or censoriousness1 nor any disposition to 8esteem themselves better than others40 99,as their sorrows under convictions have been great and pressing1 so many of them have since appeared to 8rejoice with joy unspeakable40 ,and yet their consolations do not incline them to lightness2 but are attended with solemnity1 and with tears1 and brokenness of heart4 ,and in this respect some of them have been surprised at themselves1 and have with concern observed to me1 that 8when their hearts have been glad10 8they could not help crying for all40 ,upon the whole1 here are all the evidences of a remarkable work of grace that can reasonably be looked for4 ,may the great ,author maintain and promote the same here1 and propagate it every where1 till 8the whole earth be filled with his glory60 ,i have now rode more than three thousand miles since the beginning of ,march last2 and almost the whole of it has been as a missionary1 upon the design of propagating ,christian knowledge among the ,indians4 ,i have taken pains to look out for a colleague1 to travel with me2 but have not as yet found any person qualified and disposed for this good work4 ,as these poor ,pagans stood in need of having 8line upon line1 and precept upon precept10 in order to their being grounded in the principles of ,christianity2 so ,i preached 8publickly and taught from house to house10 almost every day for whole weeks together4 ,and my public discourses did not then make up the one half of my work1 while there were so many constantly coming to me with that important inquiry1 8,what must we do to be saved80 ,and yet ,i can say1 7to the praise of ,god7 that the success with which my labours were crowned1 unspeakably more than compensated for the labour itself1 and was likewise a great means of carrying me through fatigues1 which my nature would have sunk under1 without such an encouraging prospect4 ,but although this success has afforded matter of support1 comfort and thankfulness3 yet in this season ,i have found great need of assistance in my work1 and have been much oppressed for want of one to bear a part of my labours and hardships4 8,may the ,lord of the harvest send forth other labourers into this part of his harvest1 that those who sit in darkness may see great light1 and that the whole earth may be filled with the knowledge of himself60 ,tuesday1 ,november #e4 ,he left the ,indians1 and spent the remaining part of this week in travelling to various parts of ,new-,jersey1 in order to get a collection for the use of the ,indians1 and to obtain a school-master to instruct them4 ,lord's day1 ,november #aj4 ,at ,elisabeth-,town ,i preached in the forenoon from #b ,corinthians v4 #bj4 ,god was pleased to give me freedom and fervency2 and the presence of ,god seemed to be in the assembly2 numbers were affected1 and there were many tears among them4 ,in the afternoon ,i preached from ,luke xiv4 #bb4 8,and yet there is room40 ,i was favoured with divine assistance in the first prayer1 and poured out my soul to ,god with a filial temper2 the living ,god also assisted me in sermon4 ,friday1 ,november #ae4 ,i could not cross the ferry by reason of the violence of the wind2 nor could ,i enjoy any place of retirement at the ferry house4 ,yet ,god gave me some satisfaction in meditation1 and lifting up my heart to ,god in the midst of company4 ,and although some were drinking and talking profanely1 yet my mind was calm and composed4 ,and ,i could not but bless ,god1 that ,i was not like to spend an eternity in such company4 ,saturday1 ,november #af4 ,i crossed the ferry and arrived at ,elisabeth's-,town near night4 ,i was in a composed frame of mind1 and felt an entire resignation with respect to a loss ,i had lately sustained1 in having my horse stolen from me the last ,wednesday night4 99,friday1 ,november #bb4 ,i rode to ,mr4 ,tennent's and from thence to ,crosweeksung4 ,oh that ,i could fill up all my time1 whether in the house or by the way1 for ,god6 ,i was enabled this day to give up my soul to ,god1 and put all my concerns into his hands3 and found real consolation in the thought of being entirely at his disposal and having no will or interest of my own4 ,i have received my all from ,god6 ,oh that ,i could return my all to ,god6 ,surely ,god is worthy of my highest affection1 and most devout adoration2 he is infinitely worthy1 that ,i should make him my last end1 and live for ever to him3 ,oh that ,i might never more1 in any one instance1 live to myself6 ,lord's-day1 ,november #bd4 ,i preached from the story of ,zaccheus4 ,when ,i insisted upon the salvation that comes to the sinner1 upon his becoming a true believer1 the word seemed to be attended with divine power4,numbers were much affected2former convictions were revived1 one or two persons newly awakened2and a most affectionate engagement appeared among them universally4 ,november #bf4 ,i was favoured with freedom and fervency in my discourse4 ,many wept affectionately1 and scarce any appeared unconcerned4 ,the influence that seized the audience appeared gentle1 and yet deeply affected the heart4 ,it excited in the persons under convictions of their lost state1 heavy groans and tears3and in others who had obtained comfort1 a sweet and humble melting4 ,it seemed like the gentle but steady showers that effectually water the earth4 ,the persons lately awakened1 were deeply distressed1 and appeared earnestly solicitous to obtain an interest in ,christ3 and some of them1 in anguish of spirit1 said1 8,they knew not what to do1 nor how to get their wicked hearts changed40 8solicitious0 replaced with 8solicitous0 ,november #bh4 ,after public service was over1 ,i asked one of the ,indians who wept most affectionately1 8,what she now wanted80 ,she replied1 8,oh to be with ,christ6 ,she did not know how to stay40 ,this was a blessed refreshing season to the religious people in general4 ,the ,lord ,jesus ,christ seemed to manifest his divine glory to them1 as when transfigured before his disciples4 ,and they were ready universally to say1 8,lord1 it is good for us to be here40 ,the influence of ,god's word was not confined to those who had given evidences of being truly gracious1 though ,i calculated my discourse for1 and directed it chiefly to such3 but it appeared to be a season of divine power in the whole assembly2 so that most were1 in some measure affected4 ,and one aged man in particular1 lately awakened1 was now brought under deep and pressing concern1 and was earnestly inquisitive 8how he might find ,jesus ,christ40 ,god seems still to vouchsafe the influence of his blessed ,spirit1 in all our meetings for divine worship4 ,november #cj4 ,i preached near night1 after having spent some hours in private conference with some of my people4 ,i explained the story of the rich man and ,lazarus1 ,luke xvi4 #ai4 #bf4 ,the word made powerful impressions upon many1 especially while ,i discoursed of the blessedness of 8,lazarus in ,abraham's bosom40 ,this ,i could perceive1 affected them much more than what ,i spoke of the rich man's torments4 ,and thus it has been usually with them4 ,they have appeared much more affected with the comfortable than the dreadful truths of ,god's word4 ,and that which has distressed many of them under convictions1 is1 that they wanted1 and could not obtain the happiness of the godly2 they have often appeared to be more affected with this1 than with the terrors of hell4 ,but whatever be the means of their awakening1 it is plain1 numbers are made deeply sensible of their sin and misery1 the wickedness of their own hearts1 their utter inability to help themselves1 or come to ,christ for help1 without divine assistance4 ,lord's-day1 ,december #a4 ,i gave them particular cautions and directions relating to their conduct in divers respects4 ,and pressed them to watchfulness in all their deportment1 seeing they were encompassed with those that 8waited for their halting10 and who stood ready to draw them into temptations of every kind1 and then to expose religion on their account4 ,monday1 ,december #i4 ,i spent most of the day in procuring provisions1 in order to my setting up house-keeping among the ,indians4 ,tuesday1 ,december #aj4 ,towards night ,i got into my own house4 ,this is the third house that he built to dwell in by himself among the ,indians3 the first at ,kaunaumeek in the county of ,albany3 the second at the ,forks of ,delaware in ,pensylvania2 and now this at ,crosweeksung in ,new-,jersey4 ,december #ab4 ,i preached from the parable of the ten virgins1 ,matthew xxv4 ,the divine power seemed to attend this discourse1 in which ,i was favoured with uncommon plainness of address1 and enabled to open divine truths1 in a manner beyond myself4,there appeared in many an affectionate concern for their souls3 and it was refreshing to see them melted into tears2 some with sense of divine love1 and some for want of it4 8maner0 replaced with 8manner0 ,lord's-day1 ,december #ae4 ,i preached to the ,indians from ,luke xiii4 #bd1 #bh4 ,divine truths fell with weight upon the audience4 ,near night ,i discoursed to them again from ,matthew xxv4 #ca4 to #df4 ,at which season also1 the word appeared to be accompanied with divine influence1 and made powerful impressions upon the assembly in general1 as well as upon divers persons in a very particular manner4 ,this was an amazing season of grace6 8,the word of the ,lord10 8was quick and powerful1 sharper than a two-edged sword40 ,the assembly was deeply wrought upon2 and the impressions made by the word of ,god appeared solid and rational1 worthy of the solemn truths by means of which they were produced4 ,o how did the hearts of the hearers seem to bow under the weight of divine truths6 ,and how evident did it now appear that they received and felt them1 8not as the word of man1 but as the word of ,god60 99,december #af4 ,there was much affection and concern in the assembly2 especially one woman appeared in great distress4 ,she was brought to such an agony in seeking after ,christ1 that the sweat ran off her face for a considerable time1 although the evening was very cold2 and her bitter cries were the most affecting indication of the inward anguish of her heart4 ,saturday1 ,december #ba4 ,my people having now attained to a considerable degree of knowledge in the principles of ,christianity1 ,i thought it proper to set up a catechetical lecture2 and this evening attempted something in that form2 proposing questions to them1 receiving their answers1 and then explaining and insisting as appeared proper upon each question4 ,after which ,i endeavoured to make some practical improvement of the whole4,they were able readily and rationally to answer many important questions3 so that ,i found their knowledge to exceed my expectations4,in the improvement of my discourse1 when ,i came to open the blessedness of those who have so great and glorious a ,god1 as had been spoken of1 8for their everlasting friend and portion10 sundry were much affected3 and especially when ,i exhorted them 8to be reconciled to ,god10 through his dear ,son1 and thus to secure an interest in his everlasting favour4 99,lord's-day1 ,december #bb4 ,after my labours with the ,indians1 ,i spent some time in writing2 and was much wearied with the labours of the day4 ,i am conscious to myself that my labours are as great and constant as my nature will bear1 and that ordinarily ,i go to the extent of my strength2 so that ,i do all ,i can2 but the misery is1 ,i do not labour with that heavenly temper1 that single eye to the glory of ,god1 that ,i long for4 ,there were sundry persons of the ,indians newly come here1 who had frequently lived among the ,quakers2 and being more civilized than the generality of the ,indians1 they had imbibed some of the ,quakers errors1 especially this1 that if men would but live according to the dictates of their own consciences1 7or the light within17 there is no doubt of their salvation4,these persons ,i found much worse to deal with than those who are wholly under ,pagan darkness1 who make no pretences to knowledge in ,christianity1 nor have any self-righteous foundation to stand upon4 ,however1 they all1 except one1 appeared now convinced1 that this was not sufficient to salvation2 since ,christ himself had declared it so in the case of the young man4 ,and seemed in some measure concerned to obtain that change of heart which ,i had been labouring to shew them the necessity of4 ,this was likewise a season of comfort to some souls1 and in particular to one who never before obtained any settled comfort4 ,when ,i came to enquire of her1 how she got relief from the distresses she had lately been under1 she answered in broken ,english1 8,me try1 me try1 save myself1 last my strength be all gone1 7meaning her ability to save herself17 could not me stir bit further4 ,den last me forced let ,jesus ,christ alone1 send me hell if he please40 ,i said1 ,but you was not willing to go to hell1 was you8 ,she replied1 8,could not me help it4 ,my heart he would wicked for all4 ,could not me make him good30 ,i asked her1 ,how she got out of this case8 ,she answered still in the same broken language1 8,by by my heart be grad desperately40 ,i asked her why her heart was glad8 ,she replied1 8,grad my heart ,jesus ,christ do what he please with me4 ,den me tink1 grad my heart ,jesus ,christ send me hell4 ,did not me care where he put me1 me love him for all40 ,in proper ,english thus1 8,i tried and tried to save myself1 till at last my strength was all gone1 and ,i could not stir any further4 ,then at last ,i was forced to let ,jesus ,christ alone to send me to hell if he pleased40 ,in plain ,english thus1 8,i could not help it4 ,my heart would be wicked for all ,i could do1 ,i could not make it good40 8,by and by my heart was exceeding glad that ,jesus ,christ would do with me what he pleased4 ,then ,i thought my heart would be glad although ,christ should send me to hell4 ,i did not care where he put me1 ,i should love him for all3 i4 e4 do what he would with me40 99,and she could not readily be convinced1 but that she was willing to go to hell1 if ,christ was pleased to send her there4 ,though the truth evidently was1 her will was so swallowed up in the divine will1 that she could not frame any hell in her imagination that would be dreadful1 provided it was the will of ,god to send her to it4 ,december #be4 ,the ,indians having been used upon ,christmas-days to drink and revel among the white people1 ,i thought proper to call them together1 and discourse to them upon divine things3 which ,i accordingly did from the parable of the barren figtree1 ,luke xiii4 #fi4 ,the power of ,god appeared in the assembly1 by awakening several stupid creatures1 that were scarce ever moved before4 ,and the impressions made upon the assembly in general1 seemed not superficial1 but deep and heart-affecting4 ,o how ready did they appear to comply with every thing they were convinced was their duty6 ,god was in the midst of us of a truth1 bowing and melting stubborn hearts6 ,how many tears and sobs were then to be seen and heard among us6 ,what liveliness and strict attention6 ,what eagerness and intenseness of mind6 ,they seemed to watch and wait for the dropping of ,god's word1 as the thirsty earth for the 8former and latter rain40 ,december #bf4 ,this evening ,i was visited by a person under great spiritual exercise4 ,she was a woman of more than four-score years old1 and appeared to be much broken and very childish through age1 so that it seemed impossible for man to instil into her mind any notions of divine things4,she was led by the hand into my house1 and appeared in extreme anguish4 ,i asked her1 what ailed her8 ,she answered1 8,that her heart was distressed1 and she feared she should never find ,christ40 ,i asked her1 when she began to be concerned8 ,she answered to this effect1 ,that she had heard me preach many times1 but never 8felt it in her heart0 till the last sabbath2 and then it came1 she said1 8all one as if a needle had been thrust into her heart20 since which time she had no rest day or night4 ,she added1 that on the evening before ,christmas1 a number of ,indians being together at the house where she was1 and discoursing about ,christ1 their talk pricked her heart1 so that she could not sit up1 but fell down on her bed2 at which time she went away1 7as she expressed it7 and felt as if she dreamed1 and yet is confident she did not dream4 ,when she was thus gone1 she saw1 she says1 two paths1 one appeared very broad and crooked2 and that turned to the left hand4 ,the other appeared strait and very narrow2 and that went up the hill to the right hand4 ,she travelled1 she said1 for some time up the narrow right-hand path1 till at length something seemed to obstruct her journey4 ,she sometimes called it darkness1 and sometimes compared it to a block or bar4 ,she then remembered1 she says1 what she had heard me say about 8striving to enter in at the strait gate10 7although she took little notice of it at that time7 and thought she would climb over this bar4 ,but just as she was thinking of this1 she came back again1 as she termed it1 meaning that she came to herself2 whereupon her soul was extremely distressed1 apprehending she had now turned back and forsaken ,christ1 and that there was therefore no hope of mercy for her4 8thurst0 replaced with 8thrust0 ,i then proposed to her the provision made in the gospel for the salvation of sinners1 and the ability and willingness of ,christ 8to save to the uttermost all0 7old as well as young7 8that come to him40 ,to which she seemed to give a hearty assent4 ,but instantly replied1 8,ay1 but ,i cannot come2 my wicked heart will not come to ,christ1 ,i do not know how to come40 ,and this she spoke in anguish of spirit1 striking her breast1 with tears in her eyes2 and with such earnestness in her looks as was indeed affecting4 ,she seems to be really convinced of her sin and misery1 and her need of a change of heart3 and her concern is abiding and constant4 ,so that nothing appears but that this exercise may have a saving issue4 ,and indeed there is ground to hope for it1 seeing she is solicitous to obtain an interest in ,christ1 that her heart1 7as she expresses it7 prays day and night4 ,december #bh4 ,i discoursed to my people in the catechetical method ,i lately entered upon4 ,and in the improvement of my discourse1 wherein ,i was comparing man's present with his primitive state2 and pressing sinners to take a view of their deplorable circumstances without ,christ2 as also to strive that they may obtain an interest in him2 the ,lord granted a remarkable influence of his blessed ,spirit1 and there was a great concern in the assembly3 many were melted into tears1 and the impressions made upon them seemed deep and heart affecting4 ,and in particular1 there were two or three persons who appeared to be reduced almost to extremity2 being convinced of the impossibility of helping themselves1 or mending their own hearts2 and upon the point of giving up all hope in themselves1 and venturing upon ,christ as naked1 helpless and undone4 ,lord's-day4 ,december #bi4 ,i preached from ,john iii4 #ae4 a number of white people were present1 as is usual upon the sabbath4 ,the discourse seemed to have a silent1 but deep and piercing influence upon the audience4 ,many wept and sobbed affectionately4 ,and there were some tears among the white people1 as well as the ,indians4 ,some could not refrain from crying out4 ,but the impressions made upon their hearts1 appeared chiefly by the extraordinary earnestness of their attention1 and their heavy sighs and tears4 8th0 replaced with 8the0 99,after public worship was over1 ,i went to my house1 proposing to preach again after a short intermission4 ,but they soon came in1 one after another1 with tears in their eyes1 to know 8what they should do to be saved40 ,and the divine ,spirit in such a manner1 set home upon their hearts what ,i spoke to them1 that the house was soon filled with cries and groans4,they all flocked together upon this occasion1 and those whom ,i had reason to think in a ,christless state1 were almost universally seized with concern for their souls4 ,it was an amazing season of power among them1 and seemed as if ,god had 8bowed the heavens and come down40 ,so astonishingly prevalent was the operation upon old as well as young1 that it seemed as if ,god was about to convert all the world4 ,and ,i was ready to think then1 that ,i should never again despair of the conversion of any man or woman living4 99,it is impossible to give a just description of the appearance of things at this season4 ,a number were rejoicing that ,god had not taken away the influence of his blessed ,spirit4,refreshed to see so many 8striving to enter in at the strait gate20and animated with such concern for them that they wanted 8to push them forward10 as some of them expressed it4,at the same time numbers both of men and women1 old and young1 might be seen in tears1 and some in anguish of spirit appearing in their very countenances1 like condemned malefactors going towards the place of execution3 so that there seemed a lively emblem of the solemn day of accounts2 a mixture of heaven and hell2 of joy unspeakable1 and anguish inexpressible4 8appearence0 replaced with 8appearance0 99,the concern was such1 that ,i could not pretend to have any formal religious exercise among them3 but spent the time in discoursing to one and another1 sometimes all together1 and concluded with prayer4 ,such were their circumstances1 that ,i could scare have half an hour's rest from speaking from about half an hour before twelve o'clock1 7at which time ,i began public worship7 till past seven at night4 ,december #cj4 ,i was visited by four or five young persons under concern for their souls1 most of whom were very lately awakened4 ,they wept much while ,i discoursed to them and endeavoured to press upon them the necessity of flying to ,christ without delay1 for salvation4 ,december #ca4 ,i spent some hours this day in visiting my people from house to house3 and scarce left a house1 without leaving some or other of its inhabitants in tears1 solicitously engaged to obtain an interest in ,christ4 ,the ,indians are now gathered together from all quarters to this place1 and have built them little cottages1 so that more than twenty families live within a quarter of a mile of me1 a very convenient situation in regard both of public and private instruction4 ,wednesday1 ,january #a1 #agdef4 ,i am this day beginning a ,new-,year2 and ,god has carried me through numerous trials and labours in the year past4 ,he has amazingly supported my feeble frame2 for 8having obtained help of ,god1 ,i continue to this day40 ,o that ,i might live nearer to ,god1 this year than ,i did last6 ,the business that ,i have been enabled to go through1 ,i know1 has been as great as nature is able to bear up under1 and what would have sunk me quite1 without special support4 ,but alas6 though ,i have done the labours and endured the trials1 with what spirit ,i have done the one1 and borne the other8 ,how cold has my heart often been6 and how little have ,i eyed the glory of ,god6 ,i have found1 that ,i could have no peace without filling up all my time with labours2 and thus 8necessity has been laid upon me20 yea1 in that respect1 ,i have loved to labour2 but ,i could not sensibly labour for ,god1 as ,i would have done4 ,may ,i for the future be enabled more sensibly to make the glory of ,god my all4 8day0 replaced with 8year0 per ,errata ,january #b4 ,i visited some persons newly come among us1 who had scarce ever heard any thing of ,christianity 7but the name74 ,i endeavoured to instruct them in the first principles of religion in the most easy and familiar manner ,i could4 ,there are strangers from remote parts almost continually dropping in1 so that ,i have occasion repeatedly to open and inculcate the first principles of ,christianity4 ,near night ,i proposed to have proceeded in my usual method of catechising4 ,but while we were engaged in the first prayer1 the power of ,god came upon the assembly in so remarkable a manner1 that ,i thought it more expedient to insist upon the plentiful provision made for the redemption of perishing sinners1 and to press them to a speedy acceptance of the great salvation1 than to ask them questions about doctrinal points4 ,i baptized two persons this day2 one adult and one child4 ,the woman has discovered an heavenly frame of mind1 from her first reception of comfort4 ,one morning in particular she came to see me1 discovering an unusual joy in her countenance2 and when ,i inquired the reason of it1 she replied1 8,that ,god had made her feel that it was right for him to do as he pleased with all things8 ,she moreover inquired1 whether ,i was not sent to preach to the ,indians by some good people a great way off40 ,i replied1 ,yes1 by the good people in ,scotland4 ,she answered1 8that her heart loved those good people so1 the evening before1 that she could scarce help praying for them all night1 her heart would go to ,god for them40 99,wednesday1 ,january #h4 ,my heart was drawn out after ,god3 my soul was refreshed and quickened2 ,i had great hopes of the ingathering of precious souls to ,christ2 not only among my own people1 but others also4 ,i was sweetly resigned under my bodily weakness2 willing to live or die1 and desirous to labour for ,god to the utmost of my strength4 ,friday1 ,january #aj4 ,my soul was in a calm1 composed frame1 and my heart filled with love to all the world2 and ,christian simplicity and tenderness seemed to prevail and reign with me4 ,near night1 ,i visited a serious baptist minister1 and had some agreeable conversation with him4 ,january #ac4 ,i was visited by divers persons under deep concern2 one of whom was newly awakened4,it is a most agreeable work to treat with souls who are solicitously inquiring1 8what they shall do to be saved80 ,and as we are never to 8be weary in well-doing10 so the obligation is peculiarly strong when the work is so lively4 ,and yet my health is so much impaired1 and my spirit so wasted with my labours1 and solitary manner of living1 7there being no human creature in the house with me47 that their repeated and almost incessant application to me for help and direction1 are sometimes exceeding burdensome4 ,and what contributes much towards this difficulty is1 that ,i am obliged to spend much time communicating a little matter to them2 there being often many things necessary to be premised1 before ,i can speak directly to what ,i principally aim at2 which things would readily be taken for granted1 where there was a competency of knowledge4 ,lord's-day1 ,january #ai4 ,i catechised in my ordinary method4 ,numbers were much affected4,convictions powerfully revived4,divers of the ,christians refreshed and strengthened4,and one weary heavy laden soul1 ,i have reason to hope1 was brought to solid comfort in ,christ4 99,he told me1 he had often heard me say1 that persons must see and feel themselves helpless and undone2 that they must give up all hope of saving themselves by their own doings1 in order to their coming to ,christ for salvation4 ,and he had long been striving after this2 supposing this would be an excellent frame of mind3 that ,god would have respect to this frame1 and bestow eternal life upon him4,but when he came to feel himself in this helpless undone condition1 he found it quite contrary to all his thoughts3 so that it was not the same1 nor indeed any thing like the frame he had been seeking after4 ,instead of its being a good frame of mind1 he now found nothing but badness in himself1 and saw it for ever impossible for him to make himself any better4 ,he was amazed he had never before seen that it was utterly impossible for him1 by all his contrivances and endeavours1 to do any thing that way4,instead of imagining that ,god would be pleased with him for the sake of this frame of mind1 he saw clearly it would be just with ,god to send him to eternal misery2 and that there was no goodness in what he then felt2 for he could not help seeing1 that he was naked1 sinful1 and miserable1 and there was nothing in such a sight to deserve ,god's love or pity4 ,in this frame of mind he came to public worship this evening1 and while ,i was inviting sinners to come to ,christ naked and empty1 without any goodness of their own to recommend them to his acceptance2 he thought1 that he had often tried to come and give up his heart to ,christ1 and he used to hope1 that some time or other he should be able to do so4 ,but now he was convinced he could not1 and it seemed utterly vain for him ever to try any more3 nor did he now hope for a better opportunity hereafter1 as he had formerly done1 because he saw1 and was fully convinced1 his own strength would for ever fail4 8conviced0 replaced with 8convinced0 99,while he was musing in this manner1 he saw1 he said1 with his heart 7which is a common phrase among them7 something that was unspeakably good and lovely1 and what he had never seen before2 and 8this stole away his heart whether he would or no40 ,he did not1 he said1 know what it was he saw4 ,he did not say1 8this is ,jesus ,christ20 but it was such glory and beauty as he never saw before4 ,he did not now give away his heart so as he had formerly attempted to do1 but it went away of itself after that glory he then discovered4 ,he used to try to make a bargain with ,christ1 to give up his heart to him1 that he might have eternal life for it4 ,but now he thought nothing about himself1 but his mind was wholly taken up with the unspeakable excellency of what he then beheld4 ,after some time he was wonderfully pleased with the way of salvation by ,christ3 so that it seemed unspeakably better to be saved altogether by the mere free grace of ,god in ,christ1 than to have any hand in saving himself4,and the consequence is1 that he appears to retain a relish of divine things1 and to maintain a life of true religion4 ,lord's-day1 ,january #bf4 ,after public worship1 ,i was in a sweet and solemn frame of mind1 thankful to ,god that he had made me in some measure faithful in addressing precious souls1 but grieved that ,i had been no more fervent in my work2 and tenderly affected towards all the world1 longing that every sinner might be saved2 and could not have entertained any bitterness towards the worst enemy living4 ,in the evening1 ,i rode to ,elisabeth-,town3 while riding ,i was almost constantly engaged in lifting up my heart to ,god1 lest ,i should lose that sweet heavenly solemnity and composure of soul ,i enjoyed4 ,afterwards ,i was pleased1 to think1 that ,god reigneth2 and thought1 ,i could never be uneasy with any of his dispensations2 but must be entirely satisfied1 whatever trials he should cause me or his church to encounter4 ,i never felt more divine serenity and composure of mind3 ,i could freely have left the dearest earthly friend1 for the society of 8angels1 and spirits of just men made perfect30 my affections soared aloft to the blessed ,author of every dear enjoyment3 ,i viewed the emptiness and unsatisfactory nature of the most desireable earthly objects1 any further than ,god is seen in them3 and longed for a life of spirituality and inward purity2 without which1 ,i saw1 there could be no true pleasure4 ,january #bh4 ,the ,indians in these parts having in times past run themselves in debt by their excessive drinking2 and some having taken the advantage of them1 and arrested sundry of them2 whereby it was supposed their hunting lands might speedily be taken from them3 ,i being sensible that they could not subsist together in these parts1 if these lands should drop out of their hands1 thought it my duly to use my utmost endeavours to prevent it4 ,and having acquainted the gentlemen concerned in this mission with the affair1 they thought it proper to expend the money they had been collecting for the religious interests of the ,indians1 7at least a part of it17 for the discharging of their debts1 and securing of these lands4,and having received orders from them1 ,i answered1 in behalf of the ,indians1 ,eighty-two pounds five shillings1 ,new-,jersey currency4 ,january #ca4 ,this day the person ,i had engaged for a school-master among the ,indians1 arrived among us1 and was heartily welcomed by my people4,whereupon ,i distributed several dozen of primers among the children and young people4 ,february #a1 #agdef4 ,my school-master entered upon his business among the ,indians4,he has generally about thirty children and young persons in his school in the day-time1 and about fifteen married people in his evening-school4 ,the number of the latter sort of persons being less than it would be1 if they could be more constant at home4 ,in the evening ,i catechised in my usual method4 ,towards the close of my discourse1 a surprising power seemed to attend the word4 ,one man considerably in years1 who had been a remarkable drunkard1 a conjurer and murderer1 that was awakened some months before1 was now brought to great extremity1 so that he trembled for hours together1 and apprehended himself just dropping into hell1 without any power to rescue or relieve himself4,divers others appeared under great concern as well as he1 and solicitous to obtain a saving change4 ,monday1 ,february #aj4 ,he set out on a journey to the ,forks of ,delaware1 to visit the ,indians there4 ,he performed the journey under great weakness1 and sometimes was exercised with much pain4 ,he arrived at his own house at the ,forks1 on ,friday4 ,i baptized three persons1 two adults1 and one child4 ,there was a considerable melting in the assembly1 while ,i was administering the ordinance4 ,god has been pleased to own and bless the administration of this1 as well as of his other ordinances1 among the ,indians4 ,there are some here that have been powerfully awakened at seeing others baptized3 ,and some have obtained relief and comfort1 just when this ordinance has been administered4 ,toward night ,i catechised1 ,god made this a powerful season4 ,there were many affected4,former convictions were powerfully revived4 ,there was likewise one1 who had been a vile drunkard1 remarkably awakened4 ,he appeared to be in great anguish of soul1 wept and trembled1 and continued so to do till near midnight4,there was also a poor heavy laden soul1 who had been long under distress1 that was now brought to a comfortable calm1 and told me1 8,she now saw and felt it was right ,god should do with her as he pleased40 ,and added1 that the heavy burden she had lain under1 was now removed3 that she felt she never could do any thing to save herself1 but must perish for ever if ,christ did not do all for her4 ,but ,christ could save her1 though she could do nothing to save herself4 ,lord's-day1 ,february #af4 ,knowing that divers of the ,indians in those parts were obstinately set against ,christianity1 ,i thought it proper to have some of my people from ,crosweeksung with me1 in order to converse with them2 hoping it might convince them of the truth1 to hear some of their own nation discoursing of divine things and manifesting earnest desires that others might be brought out of ,heathenish darkness1 as themselves were4 ,and having taken half a dozen of the most knowing persons1 ,i this day met with them and the ,indians of this place1 7sundry of whom could not have been prevailed upon to attend the meeting1 had it not been for these ,indians7 and preached to them4,some of them who had1 in times past1 been extremely averse to ,christianity1 now behaved soberly2 the word of ,god fell with such weight1 that several seemed to be stunned1 and expressed a willingness to 8hear me again of these matters40 ,those few ,indians then present1 who used to be my hearers in these parts1 7some having removed from hence to ,crosweeksung7 seemed glad to see me again1 although they had been so much attacked by some of the ,pagans1 that they were almost afraid to manifest their friendship4 ,in the evening ,i was in a composed frame of mind4 ,it was exceeding refreshing to think1 that ,god had been with me1 affording me some good measure of assistance4 ,i found freedom in prayer and thanksgiving to ,god3 and found my soul sweetly enlarged in prayer4 ,blessed be the ,lord1 that ever ,i am enabled to do any thing for his kingdom4 ,blessed be ,god who enables me to be faithful1 ,i enjoyed more resolution for ,god1 and more refreshment of spirit1 than ,i have been favoured with for many weeks past4 ,february #ag4 ,i discoursed from ,acts viii4 #eh4 ,a divine influence seemed to attend the word4 ,sundry of the ,indians here appeared to be somewhat awakened1 and manifested a concern by their earnest attention1 tears and sobs4 ,my people from ,crosweeksung continued with them day and night1 inculcating the truths ,i had taught them3 and sometimes prayed and sung psalms among them2 discoursing with each other1 in their hearing of the great things ,god had done for them1 and for the ,indians from whence they came2 which seemed to take more effect upon them1 than when they directed their discourses immediately to them4 ,february #ah4 ,i preached to an assembly of ,irish people near fifteen miles distant from the ,indians4 ,february #ai4 ,i preached to the ,indians again1 after having spent a considerable time in conversing with them privately4 ,there appeared a great solemnity1 and some concern and affection among the ,indians belonging to these parts1 as well as a sweet melting among those who came with me4,divers of the ,indians here seemed to have their prejudices removed1 and appeared well disposed to hear the word of ,god4 ,february #bj4 ,i preached to a small assembly of ,high-,dutch people1 who had seldom heard the gospel preached1 and were1 7some of them at least7 very ignorant2 but have divers of them lately been put upon an inquiry after the way of salvation4 ,they gave wonderful attention1 and some of them were much affected1 and afterwards said1 7as ,i was informed7 that they never had been so much enlightened about the way of salvation in their whole lives before4 ,they requested me to tarry with them1 or come again and preach to them4 ,and it grieved me that ,i could not comply with their request1 for ,i could not but be affected with their circumstances2 they being as 8sheep not having a shepherd40 ,february #ba4 ,i preached to a number of people1 many of them ,low-,dutch1 sundry of the ,high-,dutch attended1 though eight or ten miles distant from their houses4,divers of the ,indians also belonging to these parts1 came of their own accord with my people 7from ,crosweeksung7 two in particular1 who in the last ,sabbath1 opposed and ridiculed ,christianity4 ,february #bj4 ,i preached to the ,indians4 ,they seemed more cordial to ,christianity than before1 and some appeared much affected4 ,my spirits were supported1 though my bodily strength was much wasted4 ,o that ,god would be gracious to the souls of these poor ,indians6 ,god has been very gracious to me this week3 he has enabled me to preach every day2 and has given me some assistance1 and encouraging prospect of success in almost every sermon4 ,blessed be his name4 ,divers of the white people have been awakened this week2 sundry of the ,indians much cured of prejudice against ,christianity1 and some seemed to be really awakened4 ,the next day he left the ,forks of ,delaware1 to return to ,crosweeksung2 and spent the whole week till ,saturday1 before he arrived there2 but preached by the way every day1 excepting one2 and had much inward comfort1 and earnest longings to fill up all his time with the service of ,god4 ,lord's-day1 ,march #b4 ,some of my people who went up to the ,forks of ,delaware with me1 being now returned1 were accompanied by two of the ,indians belonging to the ,forks1 who had promised me a speedy visit4 ,they can scarce go into a house now1 but they will meet with ,christian conversation1 whereby they may be both instructed and awakened4 ,i know of no assembly of ,christians1 where there seems to be so much of the presence of ,god1 where brotherly love so much prevails1 as in my own congregation3 although not more than nine months ago1 they were worshipping devils and dumb idols1 under the power of ,pagan darkness and superstition4 ,amazing change6 ,effected by nothing less than divine power and grace6 ,their present situation is so compact and commodious1 that they are quickly called together with only the sound of a ,conk-shell1 7a shell like that of a ,perriwinkle7 so that they have frequent opportunities of attending religious exercises publicly2 which seems to be a great means1 under ,god1 of keeping alive their impressions of divine things4 99,thursday1 ,march #f4 ,i walked alone in the evening1 and enjoyed comfort in prayer1 beyond what ,i have of late enjoyed3 my soul rejoiced in my pilgrimage-state4 ,i was delighted with the thought of labouring and enduring hardness for ,god3 and confided in ,god that he 8never would leave me nor forsake me10 to the end of my race4 ,oh1 may ,i obtain mercy of ,god to be faithful1 to my dying moment6 ,march #h4 ,i catechised in the evening4 ,my people answered the questions proposed to them well4 ,i can perceive their knowledge in religion increases daily4,and what is still more desirable1 the divine influence among them1 appears still to continue4 ,the divine presence seemed to be in the assembly this evening4 ,some1 who are ,christians indeed1 were melted with a sense of the divine goodness1 and their own barrenness and ingratitude4,convictions also appeared to revive in several2 so it might justly be called 8an evening of power40 ,lord's day1 ,march #i4 ,i preached from ,luke x4 #chdb4 ,the word of ,god was attended with energy4 ,numbers were concerned to obtain the one thing needful4 ,several that have given good evidences of being truly converted1 were much affected with a sense of their want of spirituality2 and saw the need they stood in of growing in grace4 ,and most that had had any impressions of divine things in times past1 now felt those impressions revived4 ,in the afternoon1 ,i proposed to have catechised in my usual method4 ,but while we were engaged in the first prayer1 in the ,indian language1 7as usual7 a great part of the assembly was so much moved1 that ,i thought it proper to omit the questions1 and insist upon the most practical truths4 ,there appeared to be a powerful influence in the congregation4 ,those truly pious1 were so deeply affected with a sense of their own barrenness1 and their unworthy treatment of the blessed ,redeemer1 that they looked on him as pierced by themselves1 and mourned1 yea1 some of them were in bitterness as for a first-born4,some poor awakened sinners also appeared to be in anguish of soul to obtain an interest in ,christ4 ,so that there was a great mourning in the assembly3 many heavy groans and tears6 and one or two persons newly come among us1 were considerably awakened4 ,after public worship many came to my house1 where we sung and discoursed2 and the presence of ,god seemed here also to be in the midst of us4 99,while we were singing1 there was one 7the woman mentioned in my journal of ,february #i47 who1 was 8filled with joy unspeakable and full of glory10 and could not but burst forth in prayer and praises to ,god before us all1 with many tears1 crying sometimes in ,english1 and sometimes in ,indian 8,o blessed ,lord1 do come1 do come6 ,o do take me away1 do let me die and go to ,jesus ,christ6 ,i am afraid if ,i live ,i shall sin again6 ,o do let me die now6 ,o dear ,jesus1 do come6 ,i cannot stay1 ,i cannot stay6 ,o how can ,i live in this world6 do take my soul away from this sinful place6 ,o let me never sin any more60,in this ecstasy she continued some time1 uttering these and such like expressions incessantly4 99,when she had a little recovered1 ,i asked her1 if ,christ was now sweet to her soul8 ,whereupon1 turning to me with tears in her eyes1 she said1 8,i have many times heard you speak of the goodness and the sweetness of ,christ1 that he was better than all the world4 ,but ,o6 ,i knew nothing what you meant1 ,i never believed you6 ,i never believed you6 ,but now ,i know it is true60,i answered1 ,and do you see enough in ,christ for the greatest of sinners8 ,she replied1 8,o6 enough1 enough6 for all the sinners in the world1 if they would but come40 ,and when ,i asked her1 if the could not tell them of the goodness of ,christ3 turning herself about to some poor ,christless souls who stood by1 and were much affected1 she said1 8,o6 there is enough in ,christ for you1 if you would but come6 ,o strive1 strive to give up your hearts to him60,and upon hearing something of the glory of heaven mentioned1 she again fell into the same ecstasy1 repeating her former expressions1 8,o dear ,lord1 do let me go6 ,o what shall ,i do1 what shall ,i do6 ,i want to go to ,christ6 ,i cannot live6 ,o do let me die60 ,she continued in this sweet frame for more than two hours1 before she was well able to get home4 ,i am sensible there may be great joys1 where there is no evidence of their being well grounded4 ,but in the present case there seemed to be no evidence wanting1 in order to prove this joy to be divine1 either in regard of its preparatives1 attendants1 or consequents4 ,of all the persons ,i have seen1 ,i scarce ever saw one more bowed under convictions of sin2 and scarce any who seemed to have a greater acquaintance with her own heart than she had4 ,and as she was remarkably sensible of her stubbornness under conviction1 so she was no less remarkably reconciled to divine grace1 before she obtained relief4 ,since which she has constantly breathed the spirit of a new creature3 crying after ,christ1 not through fear of hell as before1 but with strong desires after him as her only satisfying portion3 and has many times wept bitterly1 because she could not love him4,when ,i have asked her1 ,why she appeared so sorrowful1 and whether it was because she was afraid of hell8 ,she would answer1 8,no1 ,i be not distressed about that2 but my heart is so wicked ,i cannot love ,christ20 and thereupon burst out into tears4,but although this has been the habitual frame of her mind for several weeks1 yet she never had any remarkable comfort till this evening4 ,the attendants of this comfort1 were such as abundantly discovered that it was truly 8joy in the ,holy ,ghost40,now she viewed divine truths as living realities2 and could say1 8,i know these things are so1 ,i feel they are true60,now her soul was resigned to the divine will in the most tender points2 so that when ,i said to her1 ,what if ,god should take away your husband1 7who was sick17 how do you think you could bear that8 ,she replied1 8,he belongs to ,god1 and not to me2 he may do with him just what he pleases40,now she had the most tender sense of the evil of sin1 and discovered the utmost aversion to it4,now she could freely trust her all with ,god for time and eternity4 ,and when ,i queried with her1 how she could be willing to die1 and leave her little infant3 and what she thought would become of it in case she should8 ,she answered1 8,god will take care of it4 ,it belongs to him40,now she appeared to have the most humbling sense of her own unworthiness and inability to preserve herself from sin1 and to persevere in holiness4 ,and ,i thought ,i had never seen such an appearance of ecstasy and humility meeting in any one person4 ,the consequents of this joy are no less desirable than its attendants4 ,she since appears to be a most tender1 broken-hearted1 affectionate1 devout1 and humble ,christian1 as exemplary in life and conversation as any person in my congregation4 ,march #aj4 ,toward night the ,indians met together of their own accord1 and sang1 prayed1 and discoursed of divine things4 ,at this time there was much affection among them4 ,some appeared to be melted with divine things1 and others seemed much concerned for their souls4 ,i baptized the woman mentioned in my journal of last ,lord's-day2 who appeared to be in a devout1 and excellent frame of mind4 ,my house being thronged with people in the evening1 ,i spent the time with them1 till my nature was almost spent4,they are so unwearied in religious exercises1 and unsatiable in their thirsting after ,christian knowledge1 that ,i can sometimes scarce avoid labouring so1 as greatly to exhaust my strength4 ,march #ai4 ,some of the persons that went with me to the ,forks of ,delaware1 having been detained there by the dangerous illness of one of their company1 returned home this day4 ,whereupon my people met together of their own accord1 to give thanks to ,god for his preserving goodness to those who had been absent from them for several weeks1 and recovering mercy to him that had been sick4 ,lord's-day1 ,march #bc4 ,there being about fifteen strangers1 adult persons1 come among us in the week past1 divers of whom had never been in any religious meeting till now1 ,i thought it proper to discourse this day in a manner suited to their circumstances1 and accordingly attempted it from ,hosea xiii4 #i1 opening in the plainest manner ,i could1 man's apostacy and ruined state4 ,after having spoken some things respecting the being and perfections of ,god1 and his creation of man in a state of uprightness and happiness1 in the afternoon1 ,i endeavoured to open the glorious provision ,god has made for the redemption of apostate creatures4 8state1 after0 replaced with 8state4 ,after0 per ,errata 8afternon0 replaced with 8afternoon0 ,near sun-set ,i felt an uncommon concern upon my mind1 especially for the poor strangers3 ,i visited sundry houses1 and discoursed with them severally1 but without much appearance of success1 till ,i came to a house where divers of the strangers were2 and there the word took effect1 first upon some children2 then upon divers adult persons that had been somewhat awakened before1 and afterwards upon several of the ,pagan strangers4 ,i continued my discourse till almost every one in the house was melted into tears2 and divers wept aloud1 and appeared earnestly concerned to obtain an interest in ,christ4 ,upon this1 numbers soon gathered from all the houses round about and so thronged the place1 that we were obliged to remove to the house where we meet for public worship4 ,and the congregation gathering immediately and many appearing remarkably affected1 ,i discoursed some time from ,luke xix4 #aj1 endeavouring to open the mercy of ,christ for lost1 helpless1 and undone sinners4 ,there was much concern in the assembly2 and ,i doubt not but a divine influence accompanied what was spoken to the hearts of many4 ,there were five or six of the strangers 7men and women7 who appeared to be considerably awakened4 ,and in particular one very rugged young man1 who seemed as if nothing would move him1 was now brought to tremble like the jailor1 and weep for a long time4 ,the ,pagans that were awakened seemed at once to put off their savage roughness1 and became sociable and humane4 ,when they first came1 ,i exhorted my people to take pains with them 7as they had done with other strangers from time to time7 to instruct them in ,christianity4 ,but when some of them attempted it1 the strangers would soon rise up and walk to other houses4 ,whereupon some of the serious persons agreed to disperse themselves into the several parts of the settlement4 ,so that wherever the strangers went1 they met with warm addresses respecting their souls4,but now there was no need of using policy in order to get an opportunity of conversing3 for they were so touched with a sense of their perishing state1 as tamely to yield to the closest addresses1 respecting their sin and misery1 and their need of an acquaintance with the great ,redeemer4 ,monday1 ,march #bd4 ,i numbered the ,indians1 to see how many souls ,god had gathered together here1 since my coming2 and found there was now about an hundred and thirty persons1 old and young4 ,and sundry of those that are my stated hearers1 perhaps fifteen or twenty1 were absent at this season4 ,whereas few were together at my first coming into these parts1 the whole number not amounting to ten persons4 ,my people going out this day to clear some of their lands about fifteen miles distant1 in order to their settling there together1 where they might attend the public worship of ,god1 have their children schooled1 and at the same time have a conveniency for planting3 ,i thought it proper to call them together and shew them the duty of labouring with faithfulness and industry2 and that they must not now 8be slothful in business10 as they had ever been in their ,pagan state4 ,and having given them directions for their work1 and recommended them to ,god1 ,i dismissed them to their business4 ,in the evening ,i read and expounded the substance of the third chapter of the ,acts4 ,numbers seemed to melt under the word4,when ,i asked them afterwards1 whether they did not now feel that their hearts were wicked8 ,one replied1 8,yes1 she felt it now40 ,although before she came here she had said1 8,her heart was not wicked1 and she never had done any thing that was bad in her life40 ,and this indeed seems to be the case with them1 universally in the ,pagan state4 7,and in the ,christian too67 ,they seem to have no consciousness of sin and guilt1 unless they can charge themselves with some gross acts of sin4 ,monday1 ,march #bd4 ,after the ,indians were gone to their work1 ,i got alone and poured out my soul to ,god1 that he would smile upon these feeble beginners1 and that he would settle an ,indian town1 that might be a mountain of holiness2 and found my soul much refreshed1 and much enlarged for ,zion's interest1 and for numbers of dear friends in particular4 ,my sinking spirits were revived1 and ,i felt animated in the service ,god has called me to4 ,this was the dearest hour ,i have enjoyed for many days1 if not weeks4 ,i found an encouraging hope1 that something would be done for ,god1 and that ,god would use and help me in his work4 ,and ,oh how sweet were the thoughts of labouring for ,god1 when ,i had any hope that ever ,i should succeed4 ,the next day1 his school-master was taken sick with a pleurisy2 and he spent great part of this week in tending him3 which in his weak state was almost too much for him3 he being obliged constantly to wait upon him1 all day1 from day to day1 and to lie on the floor at night4 ,march #bi4 ,in the evening ,i catechised as usual4 ,treating upon the 8benefits which believers receive from ,christ's death40,the questions were answered with great readiness and propriety4 ,and the people of ,god1 were sweetly melted in general4 ,there appeared such a liveliness and vigour in their attendance upon the word of ,god1 and such eagerness to be made partakers of the benefits then mentioned1 that they seemed to be not only 8looking for1 but hastening to the coming of the day of ,god40 ,divine truths seemed to distil upon the audience with a gentle1 but melting efficacy1 as the refreshing 8showers upon the new mown grass40 ,the assembly in general1 as well as those who appear truly religious1 were affected with an account of the blessedness of the godly at death3 and most then discovered an affectionate inclination to cry1 8,let me die the death of the righteous40 ,march #ca4 ,i called my people together again1 and discoursed to them again on the necessity of their labouring industriously1 in order to their living together1 and enjoying the means of grace4 ,and having used solemn prayer among them1 ,i dismissed them to their work4 ,numbers of them both 7men and women7 offered themselves willingly to this service2 and some appeared affectionately concerned that ,god might go with them1 and begin their little town for them3 that it might be a place comfortable for them and theirs1 in regard both of procuring the necessaries of life1 and attending the worship of ,god4 ,wednesday1 ,april #b4 ,i was exercised with a spiritless frame of mind4 ,alas6 ,my days pass away as the chaff6 ,it is but little ,i do1 or can do1 that turns to any account2 and it is my constant burden that ,i am so fruitless in the vineyard of the ,lord4 ,oh that ,i were spirit1 that ,i might be active for ,god4 ,this more than any thing else1 makes me long1 that 8this corruptible might put on incorruption1 and this mortal put on immortality40 ,god deliver me from the clogs and fetters1 and a body of death1 that impede my service for him4 ,saturday1 ,april #e4;,after public worship1 a number of my dear ,christian ,indians came to my house2 with whom ,i felt a sweet union of soul2 my heart was knit to them2 ,i have not felt such a sweet and fervent love to the brethren1 for some time past3 and ,i saw in them appearances of the same love4 ,this gave me something of a view of the heavenly state2 and particularly that part of the happiness of heaven1 which consists in the communion of saints4 ,lord's-day1 ,april #f4 ,i preached from ,matthew vii4 #babc4 ,there were considerable effects visible in the audience2 an earnest attention1 a great solemnity1 many tears and sighs4 ,divers were put upon close examination of their spiritual slates1 by hearing that 8not every one that saith to ,christ1 ,lord1 ,lord1 shall enter into his kingdom40 ,and some of them expressed fears least they had deceived themselves1 and taken up a false hope1 because they had done so little of the 8will of his ,father who is in heaven40 ,there was also one man brought under pressing concern for his soul2 which appeared more especially after his retirement from public worship4 ,and that which1 he says1 gave him the greatest uneasiness1 was1 not so much any particular sin1 as that he had never done the will of ,god at all1 and so had no claim to the kingdom of heaven4 ,in the afternoon ,i opened to them the discipline of ,christ in his church1 and the method in which offenders are to be dealt with4 ,at this the religious people were much affected1 especially when they heard1 that the offender continuing obstinate1 must be esteemed 8as an ,heathen man1 that has no part or lot among ,god's visible people40 ,this they seemed to have the most awful apprehensions of2 a state of ,heathenism1 out of which they were so lately brought1 appearing very dreadful to them4 ,after1 public worship ,i visited sundry houses to see how they spent the remainder of the sabbath1 and to treat with them on the great concerns of their souls2 and the ,lord seemed to smile upon my endeavours1 and to make these particular addresses more effectual than my public discourses4 ,april #g4 ,i endeavoured to open the institution1 nature1 and ends of the ,lord's supper1 as well as the qualifications necessary to the right participation of it4 ,sundry persons seemed much affected with the love of ,christ in this provision for the comfort of his people1 at a season when himself was just entering upon his sharpest sufferings4 ,on ,tuesday1 he went to a meeting of the ,presbytery appointed at ,elisabeth's-,town4 ,in his way thither1 he enjoyed some sweet meditations2 but after he came there1 he was 7as he expresses it7 under an awful gloom1 that oppressed his mind4 ,and this continued till ,saturday evening4 ,he spent the sabbath at ,staten island2 where he preached to an assembly of ,dutch and ,english1 and enjoyed considerable refreshment4 ,in the evening he returned to ,elisabeth's-,town4 ,monday1 ,april #ad4 ,my spirits were refreshed1 and my mind composed1 so that ,i was in a comfortable frame of soul1 most of the day4 ,in the evening my head was clear1 my mind serene2 ,i enjoyed sweetness in secret prayer and meditation4 ,oh1 how free1 how comfortable1 chearful1 and yet solemn1 do ,i feel when ,i am in a good measure freed from those damps and melancholy glooms1 that ,i often labour under6 99,tuesday1 ,april #ae4 ,my soul longed for more spirituality3 and it was my burden1 that ,i could do no more for ,god4 ,oh1 my barrenness is my daily affliction6 ,oh1 how precious is time3 and how it pains me to see it slide away1 while ,i do so very little to any good purpose6 ,oh that ,god would make me more fruitful and spiritual6 ,thursday1 ,april #ag4 ,i enjoyed some comfort in prayer1 some freedom in meditation1 and composure in my studies4 ,in the evening ,i preached from ,psalms lxxiii4 #bh4 8,but it is good for me to draw near to ,god40 ,god helped me to feel the truth of my text4 ,i was enabled to pour out my soul to ,god with great freedom1 fervency1 and affection3 and to speak with tenderness1 and yet with faithfulness3 and divine truths seemed to fall with weight and influence upon the hearers4 ,my heart was melted for the dear assembly1 and ,i loved every body in it2 my soul cried1 8,oh that the dear creatures might be saved6 ,o that ,god would have mercy on them60 ,lord's-day1 ,april #bj4 ,i enjoyed some freedom1 and exercise of faith and prayer1 especially when ,i came to pray for ,zion4 ,i was free from gloomy discouragement2 and my soul rejoiced in the hopes of ,zion's prosperity1 and the enlargement of the kingdom of the great ,redeemer4 ,this day he entered into the #bith year of his age4 ,monday1 ,april #ba4 ,i was composed and comfortable most of the day2 had freedom in prayer1 several times2 especially for ,zion's enlargement and prosperity4 ,and ,oh1 how refreshing were these hopes to my soul6 ,oh that the kingdom of the ,lord might come4 ,tuesday1 ,april #bb4 ,my mind was remarkably free from melancholy damps1 and animated in my work1 ,i found such vigour and resolution in the service of ,god1 that the mountains seemed to become a plain before me4 ,oh1 blessed be ,god for an interval of refreshment1 and fervent resolution in my ,lord's work6 ,in the evening1 my soul was refreshed in secret prayer1 and my heart drawn out for divine blessings2 especially for the church of ,god1 for my own people1 and for dear friends in remote places4 ,oh that ,zion might prosper1 and precious souls be brought home to ,god6 ,april #be4 ,having appointed the next ,lord's-day for the administration of the ,lord's supper1 this day was set apart for solemn fasting and prayer1 to implore the blessing of ,god upon our design2 and to intreat that his presence might be with us in our approach to his table4 ,the solemnity was observed1 not only by those who proposed to communicate1 but by the whole congregation4,in the former part of the day1 ,i endeavoured to open to my people the nature of a fast1 and to instruct them in the duties of such a solemnity4,in the afternoon ,i insisted upon the special reasons there were for our now engaging in these solemn exercises2 both in regard of the need we stood in of divine assistance1 in order to a due preparation for the sacred ordinance2 and in respect of the manifest decline of ,god's work here1 as to the conviction and conversion of sinners4 ,the worship of ,god was attended with great solemnity and reverence1 with much tenderness and many tears1 and there was some appearance of divine power upon those who had been awakened some time before4 ,after repeated prayer1 ,i led them to a solemn renewal of their baptismal covenant1 wherein they had explicitly given up themselves to ,god1 the ,father1 ,son1 and ,holy ,ghost1 avouching him to be their ,god2 and at the same time renouncing their heathenish vanities1 and solemnly engaging to take the word of ,god for the rule of their lives1 promising to walk together in love1 to watch over themselves1 and one another2 to lead lives of seriousness and devotion1 and to discharge the relative duties incumbent upon them4 ,this solemn transaction was attended with much seriousness2 and at the same time with the utmost readiness and chearfulness2 and an union and harmony of soul seemed to crown the whole4 ,april #bf4 ,i catechised those that designed to partake of the ,lord's supper the next day1 upon the institution1 nature and end of that ordinance2 and had abundant satisfaction respecting their knowledge4 ,they likewise appeared1 to have an affecting sense of the solemnity of the ordinance1 and to be humbled under a sense of their own unworthiness2 and earnestly concerned that they may be duly prepared for an attendance upon it4 ,their hearts were full of love one toward another1 and this they seemed much concerned to maintain1 and bring to the ,lord's table with them4 ,i administered the ,lord's supper to twenty-three ,indians1 7the number of men and women being nearly equal17 divers others1 to the number of five or six1 being now absent at the ,forks of ,delaware4 ,the ordinance was attended with great solemnity1 and with the utmost tenderness and affection4 ,in the performance of the sacramental actions1 especially in the distribution of the bread1 they seemed to be affected in a most lively manner1 as if 8,christ had been0 really 8crucified before them40 ,and the words of the institution1 when repeated1 seemed to be entertained with the same full and firm belief and affectionate engagement of soul1 as if the ,lord ,jesus ,christ himself had personally spoken to them4 99,having rested some time after the administration of the sacrament1 ,i walked from house to house1 and conversed particularly with most of the communicants1 and found they had been refreshed at the ,lord's table 8as with new wine40 ,and never did ,i see such an appearance of ,christian love among any people4 ,one might well have cried with an agreeable surprize1 8,behold how they love one another60 ,toward night ,i discoursed on the immediate design of ,christ's death1 8,to redeem his people from all iniquity40 ,this appeared to be a season of divine power4 ,the religious were much refreshed1 and seemed remarkably tender1 full of love1 joy1 peace1 and desires of being completely 8redeemed from all iniquity40 ,convictions also appeared to be revived in many instances2 and divers persons were awakened whom ,i had never observed under any religious impressions before4 ,such was the influence which attended our assembly1 that it seemed grievous to conclude the public worship4 ,and the congregation when dismissed1 although it was then almost dark1 appeared loth to leave the place4 8dismised0 replaced with 8dismissed0 ,april #bh4 ,i concluded the solemnity with a discourse upon ,john xiv4 #ae4 8,if ye love me keep my commandments40 ,there appeared great tenderness in the audience in general1 but especially in the communicants4,o how free1 how engaged and affectionate did these appear in the service of ,god6 ,they seemed willing to have their 8ears bored to the door posts of ,god's house10 and to be his servants for ever4 99,observing numbers in this excellent frame1 ,i thought it proper to improve this advantageous season1 as ,hezekiah did his great passover1 7#b ,chronicles xxxi47 in order to promote the blessed reformation among them3 and accordingly proposed to them that they should renewedly enter into covenant before ,god1 to watch over themselves and one another4 ,and especially that they would watch against the sin of drunkenness4,they chearfully complied and explicitly joined in that covenant2 whereupon ,i proceeded in the most solemn manner to call ,god to witness their sacred engagement2 minded them of the greatness of the guilt they would contract in the violation of it2 and that ,god would be a terrible witness against those who should presume to do so1 in the 8great and notable day of the ,lord40 99,it was a season of amazing solemnity1 and a divine awe appeared upon the face of the whole assembly6 ,affectionate sighs1 and tears1 were frequent in the audience3 and ,i doubt not but many silent cries were sent up to the fountain of grace1 for grace to fulfil these solemn engagements4 ,on ,tuesday he went to ,elisabeth-,town1 to the meeting of the ,presbytery3 and spent the time in a free and comfortable state of mind4 ,saturday1 ,may #c4 ,i rode from ,elisabeth-,town home to my people1 near ,cranberry2 whither they are removed1 and where ,i hope ,god will settle them as a ,christian congregation4 ,i was refreshed in lifting up my heart to ,god1 while riding2 and enjoyed a thankful frame of spirit4 ,may #d4 ,my people being now removed to their lands2 ,i this day visited them1 and preached to them from ,mark iv4 #e4 shewing the reason there was to fear1 lest many hopeful beginnings1 might prove abortive1 like the 8seed dropped upon stony places40 ,may #e4 ,i visited them again1 and gave them directions relating to their business4 ,i daily discover more and more of what importance it is1 that they become industrious1 and able to raise the necessaries of life within themselves2 for their present method of living greatly exposes them to temptations of various kinds4 99,wednesday1 ,may #g4 ,i spent most of the day in writing1 and enjoyed freedom in my work4 ,i was favoured with comfortable meditations1 this day1 and in the evening1 was in a sweet composed frame of mind3 pleased and delighted to leave all with ,god1 respecting myself1 for time and eternity1 and respecting the people of my charge and dear friends3 ,i had no doubt but that ,god would take care of me1 and of his own interest among my people2 and was enabled to use freedom in prayer1 as a child with a tender father4 99,thursday1 ,may #h4 ,in the evening ,i enjoyed a tender melting frame in secret prayer1 wherein my soul was drawn out for the interest of ,zion1 and comforted with the lively hope of the appearing of the kingdom of the great ,redeemer4 ,these were sweet moments3 ,i felt loth to go to bed1 and grieved that sleep was necessary4 ,however1 ,i lay down with a tender reverential fear of ,god1 sensible that 8his favour is life10 and his smiles1 infinitely better than life itself4 ,may #i4 ,i preached in the open wilderness2 the ,indians having as yet no house for public worship in this place1 nor scarce any shelter for themselves4,divine truths made considerable impressions1 and it was a season of solemnity1 tenderness1 and affection4 ,i baptized this day1 the conjurer and murderer mentioned before1 such a remarkable instance of divine grace1 that ,i cannot omit some brief account of him4 8conjuror0 replaced with 8conjurer0 ,he lived near1 and sometimes attended me in the ,forks of ,delaware for more than a year together2 but was extremely attached to strong drink1 and seemed to be no ways reformed4 ,in this time he likewise murdered a young ,indian1 which threw him into a kind of desperation1 so that he kept from me1 and refused to hear me preach for several months1 till ,i had an opportunity of conversing freely with him1 and giving him encouragement1 that even his sin might be forgiven for ,christ's sake4 ,but that which was the worst was his conjuration4 ,he was one of them who are called powwows among the ,indians3 and notwithstanding his attendance upon my preaching1 still followed his old charms1 8giving out that he himself was some great one1 and to him they gave heed10 supposing him to be possessed of a great power4 ,so that when ,i have instructed them respecting the miracles wrought by ,christ1 and mentioned them as evidences of his divine mission1 they have quickly observed the wonders which this man performed by his magic charms2 which seemed to be a fatal obstruction to their receiving the gospel4 ,and ,i often thought1 it would be a great favour to the ,indians1 if ,god would take that wretch out of the world3 but ,god1 8whose thoughts are not as man's thoughts10 has been pleased to take a much more desirable method2 a method agreeable to his own merciful nature1 advantageous to his own interest among the ,indians1 as well as to the poor soul himself4 ,the first genuine concern for his soul was excited by seeing my interpreter and his wife baptized at the ,forks of ,delaware1 ,july #ba1 #agde4 ,which so prevailed upon him that he followed me down to ,crosweeksung in the beginning of ,august1 and there continued for several weeks in the season of the most powerful awakening among the ,indians2 at which time he was more effectually awakened3 and then1 he says1 upon his 8feeling the spirit of ,god in his heart10 7as he expresses it7 his spirit of conjuration left him entirely2 that he has had no more power of that nature since1 than any other man4 ,and he declares that he does not so much as know how he used to charm and conjure2 and that he could not do any thing of that nature1 if he was ever so desirous4 ,he continued under convictions all the fall1 and former part of the winter past1 but was not so deeply exercised till ,january2 and then the word of ,god took such hold upon him1 that he knew not what to do1 or where to turn4,he then told me1 that when he used to hear me preach from time to time in the fall of the year1 my preaching pricked his heart1 but did not bring him to so great distress1 because he still hoped he could do something for his own relief3 but now1 he said1 ,i drove him up into 8such a sharp corner10 that he had no way to turn4 ,he continued under the heavy burden of a wounded spirit1 till he was brought into the utmost agony of soul4 ,after this he was brought to a kind of calmness2 he appeared perfectly sedate2 although he had no sure hope of salvation4 99,i observed him remarkably composed1 and asked him how he did8 ,he replied1 8,it is done1 it is done1 it is all done now40 ,i asked him what he meant8 ,he answered1 8,i can never do any more to save myself2 it is all done for ever1 ,i can do no more40 ,i queried with him1 whether he could not do a little more rather than to go to hell4 ,he replied1 8,my heart is dead1 ,i can never help myself40 ,i asked him1 what he thought would become of him then8 ,he answered1 8,i must go to hell40 ,i asked him1 if he thought it was right that ,god should send him to hell8 ,he replied1 8,o it is right4 ,the devil has been in me ever since ,i was born40 ,i asked him1 if he felt this when he was in such great distress the evening before8 ,he answered1 8,no1 ,i did not think it was right4 ,i thought ,god would send me to hell1 and that ,i was then dropping into it2 but my heart quarrelled with ,god1 and would not say it was right he should send me there4 ,but now ,i know it is right1 for ,i have always served the devil1 and my heart has no goodness in it now1 but it is as bad as ever it was10,i scarce ever saw any person more effectually brought off from a dependence upon his own endeavours for salvation4 ,in this frame of mind he continued for several days1 passing sentence of condemnation upon himself1 and constantly owning1 that it would be right he should be damned1 and that he expected this would be his portion4 ,and yet it was plain he had a secret hope of mercy1 which kept him from pressing distress3 so that instead of being sad and dejected1 his very countenance appeared pleasant and agreeable4 99,it was remarkable in this season that he seemed to have a great love to the people of ,god1 and nothing affected him so much as the thoughts of being separated from them4 ,this seemed to be a very dreadful part of the hell he thought himself doomed to4,it was likewise remarkable1 that in this season he was most diligent in the use of all means for his salvation2 although he had the clearest view of the insufficiency of means to afford him help4 8effected0 replaced with 8affected0 per ,errata 99,after he had continued in this frame of mind more than a week1 while ,i was discoursing publicly1 he seemed to have a lively view of the excellency of ,christ1 and the way of salvation by him1 which melted him into tears1 and filled him with admiration1 comfort1 and praise to ,god2 since which he has appeared to be an humble1 devout1 and affectionate ,christian2 serious and exemplary in his conversation and behaviour1 frequently complaining of his want of warmth1 life1 and activity1 and yet frequently favoured with quickening influences4 ,and in all respects he bears the marks of one 8created anew in ,christ ,jesus40 ,his zeal for the cause of ,god was pleasing to me1 when he was with me at the ,forks of ,delaware in ,february last4 ,there being an old ,indian who threatened to bewitch me and my people who accompanied me2 this man challenged him to do his worst1 telling him1 that himself had been as great a conjurer as he1 and that notwithstanding as soon as he felt that word in his heart which these people loved1 his power of conjuring immediately left him4,and so it would you1 said he1 if you did but once feel it in your heart2 and you have no power to touch one of them4 ,saturday1 ,may #aj4 ,i rode to ,allen's-,town1 to assist in the administration of the ,lord's supper4 ,in the afternoon ,i preached from ,titus ii4 #ad4 ,god was pleased to carry me through with some freedom2 and yet to deny me that enlargement ,i longed for4 ,in the evening my soul mourned1 that ,i had treated so excellent a subject in so defective a manner4 ,and if my discourse had met with the utmost applause from all the world1 it would not have given me any satisfaction3 ,oh1 it grieved me to think1 that ,i had had no more holy warmth1 that ,i had been no more melted in discoursing of ,christ's death1 and the design of it6 ,afterwards1 ,i enjoyed freedom and fervency in secret and family prayer1 and longed much for the presence of ,god to attend his word and ordinances the next day4 ,lord's-day1 ,may #aa4 ,i assisted in the administration of the ,lord's supper2 but enjoyed little enlargement4 ,in the afternoon ,i went to the house of ,god weak and sick in soul1 as well as feeble in body3 and longed1 that the people might be edified with divine truths1 and that an honest fervent testimony might be borne for ,god2 but knew not how it was possible for me to do any thing of that kind1 to any good purpose4 ,yet ,god1 who is rich in mercy1 was pleased to give me assistance1 both in prayer and preaching3 ,god helped me to wrestle for his presence in prayer1 and to tell him1 that he had promised1 8,where two or three are met together in his name1 there he would be in the midst of them20 and pleaded1 that for his truth's sake he would be with us4 ,and blessed be ,god1 it was sweet to my soul1 thus to plead1 and rely on ,god's promises4 ,i discoursed upon ,luke ix4 #cj4 8,and behold there talked with him two men1 which were ,moses and ,elias2 who appeared in glory1 and spake of his decease1 which he should accomplish at ,jerusalem40 ,i enjoyed special freedom1 from the beginning to the end of my discourse4 ,things pertinent to the subject were abundantly presented to my view2 and such a fullness of matter1 that ,i scarce knew how to dismiss the various heads ,i had occasion to touch upon4 ,and1 blessed be the ,lord1 ,i was favoured with fervency and power1 as well as freedom2 so that the word of ,god seemed to awaken the attention of a stupid audience1 to a considerable degree4 ,i was inwardly refreshed with the consolations of ,god2 and could with my whole heart say1 8,though there be no fruit in the vine1 c4 yet will ,i rejoice in the ,lord40 ,friday1 ,may #af4 ,i enjoyed some agreeable conversation with a dear minister1 which was blessed to my soul2 my heart was warmed1 and my soul engaged to live to ,god2 so that ,i longed to exert myself with more vigour1 than ever ,i had done in his cause2 and those words were quickening to me1 8,herein is my ,father glorified1 that ye bring forth much fruit40 ,oh1 my soul longed1 and wished1 and prayed1 to be enabled to live to ,god with constancy and ardour6 ,in the evening1 ,god was pleased to shine upon me in secret prayer1 and draw out my soul after himself3 and ,i had freedom in supplication for myself1 but much more in intercession for others3 so that ,i was sweetly constrained to say1 8,lord1 use me as thou wilt2 do as thou wilt with me3 but ,oh1 promote thine own cause6 ,zion is thine2 ,oh visit thine heritage6 ,oh let thy kingdom come6 ,oh let thy blessed interest be advanced in the world60 ,when ,i attempted to look to ,god1 respecting my settling in my congregation1 which seems to be necessary1 and yet contrary to my fixed intention for years past1 as well as my disposition1 which has been1 and still is1 to spend my life in preaching the gospel from place to place1 and gathering souls afar off to ,jesus the great ,redeemer2 when ,i attempted to look to ,god with regard to these things1 ,i could only say1 8,the will of the ,lord be done3 it is no matter for me40 99,the same frame of mind ,i felt with respect to another important affair ,i have lately had some serious thoughts of3 ,i could say1 with the utmost calmness and composure1 8,lord1 if it be most for thy glory1 let me proceed in it3 but if thou seest that it will in any wise hinder my usefulness in thy cause1 ,oh prevent my proceeding3 for all ,i want1 is such circumstances as may best capacitate me to do service for ,god in the world40 ,oh1 how sweet was this evening to my soul6 ,i knew not how to go to bed2 and when got to bed1 longed for some way to employ time for ,god to some excellent purpose4 ,saturday1 ,may #ag4 ,i walked out in the morning1 and felt much of the same frame ,i enjoyed the evening before3 had my heart enlarged in praying for the advancement of the kingdom of ,christ1 and found the utmost freedom in leaving all my concerns with ,god4 99,i find discouragement to be an exceeding hindrance to my spiritual fervency and affection3 but when ,god enables me to find that ,i have done something for him1 this animates me1 so that ,i could break through all hardships1 undergo any labours1 and nothing seems too much either to do or suffer4 ,but ,oh1 what a death it is1 to strive1 and strive2 to be always in a hurry1 and yet do nothing4 ,alas1 alas1 that time flies away1 and ,i do so little for ,god6 ,lord's-day1 ,may #ah4 ,i felt my own utter insufficiency for my work3 ,god made me to see1 that ,i was a child2 yea1 that ,i was a fool4 ,i discoursed both parts of the day1 from ,revelation iii4 #bj4 8,behold ,i stand at the door1 and knock40 ,god gave me freedom and power in the latter part of my 7forenoon's7 discourse1 although in the former part of it1 ,i felt peevish and provoked with the unmannerly behaviour of the white people1 who crouded in between my people and me4 ,but blessed be ,god ,i got those shackles off before the middle of my discourse1 and was favoured with a sweet frame of spirit in the latter part of the exercise3 was full of love1 warmth1 and tenderness1 in addressing my dear people4,in the intermission-season ,i could not but discourse to my people on the kindness and patience of ,christ in standing and knocking at the door4,in the evening1 ,i was grieved that ,i had done so little for ,god4 ,oh that ,i could be a flame of fire in the service of my ,god6 99,thursday1 ,may #bb4 ,in the evening ,i was in a frame somewhat remarkable3 ,i had apprehended for several days1 that it was a design of providence ,i should settle among my people2 and had in my own mind began to make provision for it3 and yet was never quite pleased with the thoughts of being confined to one place4 ,nevertheless ,i seemed to have some freedom1 because the congregation was one that ,god had enabled me to gather from among ,pagans4 ,for ,i never could feel any freedom to 8enter into other men's labour10 and settle where the 8gospel was preached before20 ,god has never given me any liberty in that respect1 either since or for some years before ,i began to preach4 ,but ,god having succeeded my labours1 in gathering a church among these ,indians1 ,i was ready to think1 it might be his design to give me a quiet settlement4 ,and this1 considering the late frequent failure of my spirits1 and the need ,i stood in of some agreeable society1 and my great desire of enjoying conveniencies for profitable studies1 was not altogether disagreeable to me4 ,and although ,i still wanted to go about far and wide1 in order to spread the blessed gospel among benighted souls3 yet ,i never had been so willing to settle for more than five years past1 as ,i was in the foregoing part of this week4 ,but now these thoughts seemed to be wholly dashed to pieces2 not by necessity1 but of choice3 for it appeared to me1 that ,god's dealings towards me had fitted me for a life of solitariness and hardship2 it appeared to me ,i had nothing to do with earth1 and consequently nothing to lose1 by a total renunciation of it3 and it appeared just right1 that ,i should be destitute of house and home1 and many comforts1 which ,i rejoiced to see others of ,god's people enjoy4 ,the same time ,i saw so much the excellency of ,christ's kingdom1 and the infinite desirableness of its advancement in the world1 that it swallowed up all my other thoughts2 and made me willing to be a pilgrim or hermit in the wilderness1 to my dying moment1 if ,i might thereby promote the blessed interest of the great ,redeemer4 ,and if ever my soul presented itself to ,god for his service1 without any reserve of any kind1 it did so now4 ,the language of my thoughts 7although ,i spake no words7 now was1 8,here ,i am1 ,lord1 send me3 send me to the ends of the earth2 send me to the rough1 the savage ,pagans of the wilderness2 send me from all that is called comfort in earth6 send me even to death itself1 if it be but in thy service1 and to promote thy kingdom40 ,and at the same time ,i had as quick and lively a sense of the value of worldly comforts1 as ever ,i had2 but saw them infinitely overmatched by the worth of ,christ's kingdom1 and the propagation of his blessed gospel4 ,the quiet settlement1 the certain place of abode1 the tender friendship1 which ,i thought ,i might be likely to enjoy1 appeared as valuable to me1 considered absolutely1 as ever before3 but considered comparatively1 they appeared nothing2 compared with an enlargement of ,christ's kingdom1 they vanished like the stars before the rising sun4 ,and the comfortable accommodations of life appeared valuable1 yet ,i did surrender myself1 soul and body1 to the service of ,god1 and promotion of ,christ's kingdom2 though it should be in the loss of them all4 ,i was constrained1 and yet chose to say1 8,farewell1 friends and earthly comforts1 the dearest of them all1 if the ,lord calls for it2 adieu1 adieu2 ,i'll spend my life to my latest moments1 in caves and dens of the earth1 if the kingdom of ,christ may thereby be advanced40 ,i found extraordinary freedom at this time in pouring out my soul to ,god1 for his cause2 and especially that his kingdom might be extended among the ,indians2 and ,i had a strong hope that ,god would do it4 ,i continued wrestling with ,god in prayer for my dear little flock here2 and more especially for the ,indians elsewhere2 as well as for dear friends in one place and another2 till it was bed-time1 and ,i feared ,i should hinder the family4 ,but ,oh1 with what reluctancy did ,i find myself obliged to consume time in sleep6 ,i longed to be as a flame of fire1 continually glowing in the divine service1 preaching and building up ,christ's kingdom1 to my latest1 my dying moment4 asterisk added per ,errata ,friday1 ,may #bc4 ,in the morning ,i was in the same frame of mind4 ,the glory of ,christ's kingdom so much outshone the pleasure of earthly accommodations and enjoyments1 that they appeared comparatively nothing4 ,my soul was melted in secret1 and ,i found myself divorced from any part in this world so that in those affairs that seemed of the greatest importance1 in the present life1 and those wherein the tender powers of the mind are most sensibly touched1 ,i could only say1 8,the will of the ,lord be done40 ,just the same that ,i felt the evening before1 ,i now felt the same freedom in prayer for the people of my charge1 for the propagation of the gospel among the ,indians1 for the enlargement of ,zion in general1 and my dear friends in particular2 and longed to burn out in one continued flame for ,god4 ,if ever ,i filled up a day with study and devotion1 ,i was enabled to fill up this day4 8devorced0 replaced with 8divorced0 ,lord's-day1 ,may #be4 ,there was some degree of divine power attending the word of ,god4 ,sundry wept and appeared considerably affected3 and one who had long been under spiritual trouble1 obtained clearness and comfort1 and appeared to 8rejoice in ,god her ,saviour40 ,i have reason to hope1 that ,god has lately brought home to himself sundry souls who had long been under spiritual trouble3 though there have been but few instances of persons lately awakened4 ,and those comforted of late1 seem to be brought in1 in a more silent way1 neither their concern nor consolation being so remarkable1 as appeared among those wrought upon in the beginning4 ,june #f4 ,i discoursed to my people from part of ,isaiah liii4,the divine presence appeared to be among us4 ,divers persons were much melted and refreshed2 and one man in particular1 was now brought to see and feel1 in a very lively manner1 the impossibility of his doing any thing to help himself1 or bring him into the favour of ,god by his tears1 prayers1 and other religious performances4 ,saturday1 ,june #g4 ,i rode to ,freehold to assist ,mr4 ,tennent in the administration of the ,lord's supper4 ,in the afternoon ,i preached1 ,god gave me freedom and warmth in my discourse3 and his presence was in the assembly4 ,i was composed1 and enjoyed a thankful frame of spirit2 and my soul was grieved that ,i could not render something to ,god for his benefits4 ,o that ,i could be swallowed up in his praise4 ,lord's-day1 ,june #h4 ,i was agreeably entertained in the forenoon by a discourse from ,mr4 ,tennent4 ,in the season of communion1 ,i enjoyed comfort2 it was a time of refreshing to me1 and to many others4 ,a number of my dear people sat down by themselves at the last table2 at which time ,god seemed to be in the midst of them4,and the thoughts of what ,god had done among them were refreshing to me4 ,in the afternoon1 ,god enabled me to preach with uncommon freedom4 ,through the goodness of ,god1 ,i was favoured with a constant flow of matter1 and proper expressions4 ,in the evening ,i could not but rejoice in ,god1 and bless him for the manifestations of grace in the day past4 ,oh it was a sweet and solemn day6 ,a season of comfort to the godly1 and of awakening to other souls4 ,monday1 ,june #i4 ,i preached the concluding sermon from ,genesis v4 #bd4 8,and ,enoch walked with ,god40 ,god gave me enlargement and fervency in my discourse2 so that ,i was enabled to speak with plainness and power4 ,praised be the ,lord1 it was a sweet meeting4 ,i found my strength renewed1 even to a wonder2 so that ,i felt much stronger at the conclusion than in the beginning4 ,i have great reason to bless ,god for this solemnity1 wherein ,i have found assistance in addressing others1 and sweetness in my own soul4 8begining0 replaced with 8beginning0 ,to-day a considerable number of my people met together early in the woods1 and prayed1 sang1 and conversed of divine things2 and were seen by some of the white people to be affected1 and divers of them in tears4 ,afterwards they attended the concluding exercises of the sacramental solemnity1 and then returned home1 8rejoicing for all the goodness of ,god0 they had seen and felt3 so that this was a profitable1 as well as a comfortable season to many of my congregation4 ,friday1 ,june #ac4;,i came away rejoicing and blessing ,god for his grace manifested at this season4 ,the same day ,i baptized five persons1 three adults and two children4 ,one of these was the very aged woman of whom ,i gave an account in my journal of ,december #bf4 ,she now gave me a very punctual1 rational1 and satisfactory account of the remarkable change she experienced some months after the beginning of her concern4 ,and although she was become so childish through old age that ,i could do nothing in a way of questioning with her2 yet1 when ,i let her alone to go on with her own story1 she could give a very distinct relation of the various exercises of soul she had experienced2 so deep were the impressions left upon her mind by that influence she had been under6 ,and ,i have great reason to hope1 she is born anew in her old age1 being1 upwards of fourscore4 ,saturday1 ,june #ad4 ,i rode to ,kingston1 to assist the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,wales in the administration of the ,lord's-supper4 ,in the afternoon ,i preached2 but almost fainted in the pulpit3 yet ,god strengthened me when ,i was just gone1 and enabled me to speak his word with freedom1 fervency1 and application to the conscience4 ,and praised be the ,lord3 8out of weakness ,i was made strong40 ,i enjoyed sweetness1 in and after public worship2 but was extremely tired4 ,oh1 how many are the mercies of the ,lord6 8,to them that have no might1 he increaseth strength40 ,lord's-day1 ,june #ae4 ,i was dejected so that ,i could not hold up my head4 ,yet ,i administered the ,lord's-supper at ,mr4 ,wales's desire3 and found myself in a good measure relieved of my pressing load1 when ,i came to ask a blessing on the elements2 here ,god gave me enlargement1 and a tender affectionate sense of spiritual things3 so that it was a season of comfort to me1 and ,i trust more so to others4 ,in the afternoon ,i preached to a vast multitude from ,revelation xxii4 #ag4 ,god helped me to offer a testimony for himself1 and to leave sinners inexcusable4 ,i was enabled to speak with such freedom1 fluency1 and clearness1 as commanded the attention of the great4 ,i was extremely tired in the evening but enjoyed composure and sweetness4 ,monday1 ,june #af4 ,i preached again2 and ,god helped me amazingly1 so that this was a refreshing season to my soul and others4 ,for ever blessed be ,god for help1 when my body was so weak1 and there was so large an assembly4 ,june #ai4 ,i visited my people with two of the reverend correspondents3 ,i spent some time in conversation with them upon spiritual things2 and took care of their worldly concerns4 ,this day makes up a complete year from the first time of my preaching to these ,indians in ,new-,jersey4,what amazing things has ,god wrought in this time for these poor people6 ,what a surprising change appears in their tempers and behaviour6 ,how are savage ,pagans transformed into affectionate1 and humble ,christians6 ,and their drunken and pagan howlings1 turned into fervent prayers and praises to ,god6 ,they 8who were sometimes darkness1 are now become light in the ,lord40 ,may they walk as children of the light1 and of the day4 ,and now to him that is of power to establish them according to the gospel4,to ,god only wise1 be glory1 through ,jesus ,christ1 for ever and ever6 ,amen4 ,before ,i conclude1 ,i would make a few general remarks upon what to me appears worthy of notice4 ,and1 first1 ,i cannot but take notice that ,i have ever since my first coming among the ,indians1 been favoured with that assistance1 which 7to me7 is uncommon1 in preaching ,christ crucified1 and making him the center and mark to which all my discourses were directed4 99,it was the principal scope of all my discourses for several months1 7after having taught the people something of the being and perfections of ,god1 his creation of man in a state of rectitude and happiness1 and the obligations mankind were thence under to love and honour him17 to lead them into an acquaintance with their deplorable state by nature3 their inability to deliver themselves from it3 the utter insufficiency of any external reformation1 or of any religious performances1 to bring them into the favour of ,god4 ,and thence to shew them their absolute need of ,christ to save them from the misery of their fallen state4,to open his all-sufficiency and willingness to save the chief of sinners4,the freeness and riches of his grace1 proposed 8without money1 and without price40,and thereupon to press them without delay to betake themselves to him1 under a sense of their misery and undone estate1 for relief and everlasting salvation4,and to shew them the abundant encouragement the gospel proposes to1 perishing1 helpless sinners1 so to do4 99,and ,i have often remarked1 that whatever subject ,i have been upon1 after having explained the truths contained therein1 ,i have been naturally and easily led to ,christ as the substance of every one4 ,if ,i treated on the being and glorious perfections of ,god1 ,i was thence naturally led to discourse of ,christ as the only 8way to the ,father40,if ,i attempted to open the misery of our fallen state1 it was natural from thence to shew the necessity of ,christ to undertake for us1 to atone for our sins1 and to redeem us from the power of them4,if ,i taught the commands of ,god1 and shewed our violation of them1 this brought me in the most easy way1 to speak of the ,lord ,jesus ,christ1 as one who had 8magnified the law0 we had broken1 and who was 8become the end of it for righteousness1 to every one that believes40 ,and never did ,i find so much freedom and assistance in making all the various lines of my discourses meet together1 and center in ,christ1 as ,i have frequently done among these ,indians4 99,i have frequently been enabled to represent the divine glory1 the infinite preciousness and transcendent loveliness of the great ,redeemer2 the suitableness of his person and purchase to supply the wants1 and answer the utmost desires of immortal souls4,to open the infinite riches of his grace1 and the wonderful encouragement proposed in the gospel to unworthy1 helpless sinners4,to call1 invite1 and beseech them to come and give up themselves to him1 and be reconciled to ,god through him4,to expostulate with them respecting their neglect of one so infinitely lovely1 and freely offered4,and this in such a manner1 with such freedom1 pertinency1 pathos1 and application to the conscience1 as ,i never could have made myself master of by the most assiduous application4 ,and ,i have often at such seasons been surprisingly helped in adapting my discourses to the capacities of my people1 and bringing them down into such easy1 vulgar1 and familiar methods of expression1 as has rendered them intelligible even to ,pagans4 ,secondly1 ,it is worthy of remark1 that numbers of these people are brought to a strict compliance with the rules of morality and sobriety1 and to a conscientious performance of the external duties of ,christianity2 without their having them frequently inculcated upon them4 ,god was pleased to give the grand gospel truths such a powerful influence upon their minds1 that their lives were quickly reformed1 without repeated harangues upon external duties4 ,there was indeed no room for any discourses but those that respected the essentials of religion1 and the experimental knowledge of divine things1 while there were so many inquiring daily1 not how they should regulate their external conduct2 but how they should escape from the wrath to comeobtain an effectual change of heart1 and get an interest in ,christ4,so that my great work still was to lead them into a further view of their total depravity3 to shew that there was no goodness in them3 no good dispositions or desires2 no love to ,god1 or delight in his commands2 but1 on the contrary1 hatred1 enmity1 and all manner of wickedness4,and at the same time to open to them the glorious remedy provided in ,christ for helpless perishing sinners1 and offered freely to those who have no goodness of their own1 no 8works of righteousness10 to recommend them to ,god4 8werely0 replaced with 8were0 ,when these truths were felt at heart1 there was no vice unreformed1 no external duty neglected4,drunkenness1 the darling vice1 was broken off1 and scarce an instance of it known for months together4 ,the practice of husbands and wives in putting away each other1 and taking others1 was quickly reformed4 ,the same might be said of all other vices4,the reformation was general2 from the internal influence of divine truths upon their hearts2 and not because they had heard these vices particularly exposed1 and repeatedly spoken against4 99,so that experience1 as well as the word of ,god1 and the example of ,christ and his apostles1 have taught me1 that the preaching1 which is best suited to awaken in mankind a lively apprehension of their depravity and misery1to excite them earnestly to seek after a change of heart1 and to fly for refuge to ,christ1 as the only hope set before them1 is most successful toward the reformation of their external conduct4,i have found that close applications of divine truth to the conscience1 strike death to the root of all vice2 while smooth harangues upon moral virtues and external duties1 at best only lop off the branches of corruption4 ,i do not intend to represent the preaching of morality1 and pressing persons to the external performance of duty1 to be unnecessary at any time2 especially when there is less of divine power attending the means of grace4,it is doubtless among the things that 8ought to be done10 while 8others are not to be left undone40,but what ,i principally design is a plain matter of fact1 viz4 ,that the external compliance with the rules of ,christianity1 appearing among my people1 is not the effect of any merely rational view of the beauty of morality1 but of the internal influence that divine truths have had upon their hearts4 ,thirdly1 ,it is remarkable1 that ,god has so continued and renewed the showers of his grace3 so quickly set up his kingdom among these people2 and so smiled upon them in their acquirement of knowledge1 both divine and human4 ,it is now near a year since the beginning of this gracious out-pouring of the divine ,spirit2 and although it has often seemed to decline for some short time1 yet the work of grace revived again3 so that a divine influence seems still to attend the means of grace1 in a greater or less degree3 whereby religious persons are refreshed1 strengthened1 and established1convictions revived and promoted in many1and some newly awakened from time to time4 ,although it must be acknowledged1 that for some time past1 there has appeared a more manifest decline of this work4 ,but 7blessed be ,god7 there is still an appearance of divine power1 a desirable degree of tenderness1 and devotion in our assemblies4 ,and as ,god has continued the showers of his grace among this people2 so he has with uncommon quickness set up his kingdom in the midst of them4 ,i have now baptized1 since the conclusion of my last journal1 thirty persons1 fifteen adults1 and fifteen children4 ,which added to the number there mentioned1 makes seventy-seven persons2 whereof thirty-eight are adults and thirty-nine children3 and all within the space of eleven months past4,and ,i have baptized no adults1 but such as appeared to have a work of grace in their hearts3 such as have experienced not only the awakening1 but the renewing and comforting influences of the divine ,spirit4 ,much of the goodness of ,god has appeared in their acquirement of knowledge1 both in religion and in common life4 ,there has been a wonderful thirst after ,christian knowledge among them1 and an eager desire of being instructed4 ,this has moved them to ask many pertinent as well as important questions4 ,many of the doctrines ,i have delivered1 they have queried with me about1 in order to gain further light into them3 and from time to time manifested a good understanding of them1 by their answers to the questions proposed4 ,they have likewise appeared remarkably apt in learning to sing psalms1 and are now able to sing well4 ,they have also acquired a considerable degree of knowledge in the affairs of common life3 so that they now appear like rational creatures1 fit for human society1 free from that savage roughness and brutish stupidity1 which they had in their ,pagan state4 ,and as they are desirous of instruction1 and surprisingly apt in the reception of it1 so divine providence has smiled upon them in regard of proper means in order to it4,the attempts made for a school among them have succeeded1 and they have a school-master1 of whom ,i may justly say1 ,i know of 8no man like-minded1 who will naturally care for their state40 ,he has generally thirty or thirty-five children in his school3 and when he kept an evening-school 7as he did in the long evenings71 he had fifteen or twenty people1 married and single4 8evening0 replaced with 8evening-school0 per ,errata ,the children learn with surprising readiness2 so that their master tells me1 he never had an ,english school that learned1 in general1 near so fast4 ,there were not above two in thirty1 although some of them were very small1 but what learned to know all the letters in the alphabet distinctly1 within three days1 and divers in that space learned to spell considerably2 and some of them since the beginning of ,february last 7at which time the school was set up7 have learned so much1 that they are able to read in a ,psalter or ,testament without spelling4 ,they are instructed in the duty of secret prayer2 and most of them constantly attend it night and morning1 and are very careful to inform their master if they apprehend any of their little school-mates neglect it4 ,fourthly4 ,it is worthy to be noted1 that amidst so great a work of conviction1so much concern and religious affection1 there has been no prevalency1 nor indeed any considerable appearance of false religion1 or heats of imagination1 intemperate zeal1 and spiritual pride2 7which corrupt mixtures too often attend the revival of religion7 and that there have been so very few instances of scandalous behaviour4 ,the religious concern that persons have been under1 has generally been rational and just3 arising from a sense of their sins1 and the divine displeasure on the account of them2 as well as their utter inability to deliver themselves from the misery they felt and feared4,and it is remarkable1 although the concern of many persons has been very great and pressing1 yet ,i have never seen any thing like despair attending it in any one instance3 whence it is apparent1 there is not that danger of persons being driven into despair under spiritual trouble1 7unless in cases of melancholy17 that the world is ready to imagine4 ,the comfort persons have obtained after their distresses1 has likewise in general appeared solid1 well-grounded1 and scriptural2 arising from a spiritual and supernatural illumination of mind1a view of divine things as they are1 a complacency of soul in the divine perfections1and a peculiar satisfaction in the way of salvation1 by the great ,redeemer4 8well-grouned0 replaced with 8well-grounded0 99,their joys have seemed to rise from a variety of views of divine things1 although for substance the same4 ,some have at first appeared to rejoice1 especially in the wisdom of ,god1 discovered in the way of salvation by ,christ2 it then appearing to them 8a new way10 a way they had never any just conception of1 until opened to them by the divine ,spirit4 ,and some of them1 upon a spiritual view of this way of salvation1 have wondered at their past folly in seeking salvation other ways1 and have admired that they never saw this way of salvation before1 which now appeared so plain and easy4 ,others have had a more general view of the excellency of ,christ1 being delighted with an apprehension of his glory1 as unspeakably exceeding all they had ever conceived before2 yet without singling out 7as it were7 any one of the divine perfections in particular4 99,what the ,indians notions of ,god are1 in their ,pagan state1 is hard to determine4 ,i have taken much pains to enquire of my ,christian people1 whether they1 before their acquaintance with ,christianity1 imagined there was a plurality of great invisible powers1 or whether they supposed but one such being1 and worshipped him in a variety of shapes3 but cannot learn any thing of them so distinct as to be fully satisfying upon the point4 ,their notions in that state were so dark and confused1 that they seem not to know what they thought themselves4 ,but so far as ,i can learn1 they had a notion of a plurality of invisible deities1 and paid some kind of homage to them promiscuously1 under a great variety of shapes4 ,and it is certain those who yet remain ,pagans pay some kind of superstitious reverence to beasts1 birds1 fishes1 and even reptiles2 that is1 some to one kind of animal1 and some to another4 ,they do not indeed suppose a divine power essential to these creatures1 but that some invisible beings 7,i cannot learn that it is always one7 communicate to these animals a great power1 either one or other of them1 7just as it happens7 and so make these creatures the immediate authors of good to certain persons4 ,whence such a creature becomes sacred to the persons to whom he is supposed to be the immediate author of good1 and through him they must worship the invisible powers1 though to others he is no more than another creature4 ,and perhaps another animal is looked upon to be the immediate author of good to another1 and consequently he must worship the invisible powers in that animal4 ,and ,i have known a ,pagan burn fine tobacco for incense1 in order to appease the anger of that invisible power which he supposed presided over rattle-snakes1 because one of these animals was killed by another ,indian near his house4 ,but ,i find1 that in ancient times1 before the coming of the white people1 some supposed there was four invisible powers1 who presided over the four corners of the earth4 ,others imagined the sun to be the only deity1 and that all things were made by him3 others had a confused notion of a certain body or fountain of deity1 somewhat like the anima mundi1 so frequently mentioned by the learned ,heathens1 diffusing itself to various animals1 and even to inanimate things1 making them the immediate authors of good to certain persons4 ,but after the coming of the white people they seemed to suppose there were three deities1 and three only1 because they saw people of three different kinds of complexion1 viz4 ,english1 ,negroes and themselves4 ,it is a notion generally prevailing among them1 that it was not the same ,god made them1 who made us2 but that they were made after the white people4 ,and they suppose their ,god gained some special skill by seeing the white people made1 and so made them better3 for they look upon themselves1 and their methods of living1 7which they say1 their god expressly prescribed7 as vastly preferable to the white people1 and their methods4 ,and hence they will frequently sit and laugh at them as being good for nothing but to fatigue themselves1 with hard labour2 while they enjoy the satisfaction of stretching themselves on the ground1 and sleeping as much as they please2 and have no other trouble than now and then to chase the deer4 ,hence1 many of them look upon it as disgraceful for them to become ,christians1 as ,christians do to become a ,pagan3 and though they suppose our religion will do well enough for us1 because prescribed by our ,god1 yet it is no ways proper for them1 because not of the same original4 99,they seem to have some confused notion of a future state1 and many of them imagine that the chichang1 7i4 e4 the shadow17 or what survives the body1 will at death go southward1 and in an unknown but curious place1 will enjoy some kind of happiness1 such as hunting1 feasting1 dancing4 ,and what they suppose will contribute much to their happiness in that state is1 that they shall never be weary of those entertainments4 ,some of them have some faint notion of rewards and punishments1 or at least of happiness and misery in a future state2 others seem to know no such thing4 ,those that suppose this1 imagine that most will be happy1 and those that are not so1 will be punished only with privation1 being excluded the walls of that good world where happy souls shall dwell4 8he0 replaced with 8be0 ,these rewards and punishments they suppose to depend entirely upon their behaviour towards mankind1 and not to have any reference to ,god4 ,i once consulted a very ancient ,indian upon this point1 whether the ,indians of old times had supposed there was any thing of the man that would survive the body8 ,he replied yes4 ,i asked him1 further1 whether it would be happy there8 ,he answered1 after some considerable pause1 that the souls of good folks would be happy1 and the souls of bad folks miserable4 ,i then asked who he called bad folks8 ,his answer was1 those who lie1 steal1 quarrel with their neighbours1 are unkind to their friends1 and especially to aged parents1 and in a word are but a plague to mankind4 ,these were his bad folks2 but not a word was said of their neglect of divine worship1 and their badness in that respect4 ,they have indeed some kind of worship1 are frequently offering sacrifices to some invisible powers1 and are ready to impute their calamities in the present world1 to the neglect of these sacrifices2 but there is no appearances of reverence and devotion in the homage they pay them2 and what they do of this nature seems to be done only to appease the anger of their deities1 to engage them to do them no hurt1 or at most only to invite these powers to succeed them in those enterprises they are engaged in4 ,so that in offering these sacrifices1 they seem to have no reference to a future state4 ,and they imagine1 that those they call bad folks1 are excluded from the company of good people in that state1 not so much because ,god is determined to punish them for their sins of any kind1 as because they would render others unhappy if admitted to dwell with them4 ,so that they are excluded rather of necessity1 than by ,god acting as a righteous judge4 ,they give much heed to dreams1 because they suppose the invisible powers give them directions therein4 ,they are likewise much attached to the traditions of their fathers1 who have informed them of divers miracles anciently wrought4 99,they also mention some wonderful things which1 they say1 have happened since the memory of some who are now living4 ,one affirmed to me1 that himself had once been dead four days1 that most of his friends were gathered together to his funeral1 and that he should have been buried1 but that some of his relations were not arrived1 before whose coming he came to life again4 ,in this time1 he says1 he went to the place where the sun rises1 7imagining the earth to be plain17 and directly over that place1 at a great height in the air1 he was admitted1 he says1 into a great house1 which he supposes was several miles in length1 and saw many wonderful things4 ,what increases their aversion to ,christianity is the influence their powwows have upon them4 ,these are supposed to have a power of foretelling future events1 of recovering the sick1 and of charming persons to death4 ,probably a satanical imitation of the spirit of prophecy that the church in early ages possessed4 ,i have laboured to gain some acquaintance with this affair1 and have for that end consulted the man mentioned in my journal of ,may #i1 who1 since his conversion to ,christianity1 has endeavoured to give me the best intelligence he could of this matter4 ,but it seems to be such a mystery of iniquity1 that ,i cannot well understand it2 and1 so far as ,i can learn1 he himself has not any clear notions of the thing1 now his spirit of divination is gone from him4 ,however the manner in which he says he obtained this spirit was1 99he was admitted into the presence of a great man1 who informed him1 that he loved1 pitied1 and desired to do him good4 ,it was not in this world that he saw the great man1 but in a world above at a vast distance from this4 ,the great man1 he says1 was cloathed with the day2 yea1 with the brightest day he ever saw2 a day of many years1 yea1 of everlasting continuance6 ,this whole world1 he says1 was drawn upon him1 so that in him1 the earth1 and all things in it1 might be seen4 ,i asked him1 if rocks1 mountains1 and seas was drawn upon1 or appeared in him8 ,he replied1 that every thing that was beautiful and lovely in the earth was upon him1 and might be seen by looking on him1 as well as if one was on the earth to take a view of them there4 ,by the side of the great man1 he says1 stood his shadow or spirit4 ,this shadow1 he says1 was as lovely as the man himself1 and filled all places1 and was most agreeable as well as wonderful to him4,here he says1 he tarried some time1 and was unspeakably delighted with a view of the great man1 of his shadow or spirit1 and of all things in him4 ,and what is most of all astonishing1 he imagines all this to have passed before he was born4 ,he never had been1 he says1 in this world at that time4 ,and what confirms him in the belief of this1 is1 that the great man told him1 that he must come down to earth1 be born of such a woman1 meet with such and such things1 and in particular1 that he should once in his life be guilty of murder4 ,at this he was displeased1 and told the great man1 he would never murder4 ,but the great man replied1 8,i have said it1 and it shall be so40 ,which has accordingly happened4 ,at this time1 he says1 the great man asked him what he would chuse in life4 ,he replied1 first to be a hunter1 and afterwards to be a powwow or diviner4 ,whereupon the great man told him1 he should have what he desired1 and that his shadow should go along with him down to earth1 and be with him for ever4 ,there was1 he says1 all this time no words spoken between them4 ,the conference was not carried on by any human language1 but they had a kind of mental intelligence of each other's thoughts4 ,after this1 he says1 he saw the great man no more2 but supposes he came down to earth to be born1 but the spirit or shadow of the great man still attended him1 and ever after continued to appear to him in dreams and other ways1 until he felt the power of ,god's word upon his heart2 since which it has entirely left him4 8countenance0 replaced with 8continuance0 per ,errata 99,this spirit1 he says1 used to direct him in dreams to go to such a place and hunt1 assuring him he should meet with success1 which accordingly proved so4 ,and when he had been there some time1 the spirit would order him to another place4 ,so that he had success in hunting1 according to the great man's promise4 99,there were some times when this spirit came upon him in a special manner1 and he was full of what he saw in the great man4 ,and then1 he says1 he was all light1 and not only light himself1 but it was light all around him1 so that he could see through men1 and knew the thoughts of their hearts4 ,these depths of ,satan ,i leave to others to fathom1 and cannot guess what conceptions of things these creatures have at the times when they call themselves all light4 ,but my interpreter tells me1 that he heard one of them tell a certain ,indian the secret thoughts of his heart4 ,the case was this2 the ,indian was bitten with a snake1 and was in extreme pain4 ,whereupon the diviner 7who was applied to7 told him1 that at such a time he had promised1 the next deer he killed he would sacrifice it to some great power1 but had broken his promise4 ,and now1 said he1 that great power has ordered this snake to bite you for your neglect4 ,the ,indian confessed it was so1 but said he had never told any body of it4 ,but as ,satan1 no doubt1 excited the ,indian to make that promise1 it was no wonder he should be able to communicate the matter to the conjurer4 ,on ,friday and ,saturday1 he was very much amiss2 but yet preached to his people on ,saturday4 ,his illness continued on the sabbath2 but he preached notwithstanding1 both parts of the day2 and after the public worship1 endeavoured to apply divine truths to the consciences of some1 addressing them personally3 several were in tears1 and some appeared much affected4 ,but he was extremely wearied with the service1 and was so ill at night1 that he could have no rest2 but remarks1 that 8,god was his support40 ,on ,monday1 he continued very ill2 but calm and composed1 resigned to the divine dispensations4 ,lord's-day1 ,june #bi4 ,i preached both parts of the day4 ,god was pleased to afford me both freedom and power2 in both exercises4 ,god's people were refreshed and melted with divine things2 one or two comforted1 who had been long under distress2 convictions1 in divers instances1 powerfully revived2 and one man in years much awakened1 who had not long frequented our meeting1 and appeared before as stupid as a stock4 ,god amazingly renewed my strength4 ,i was so spent at noon1 that ,i could scarce walk1 and all my joints trembled2 so that ,i could not sit1 nor so much as hold my hand still3 and yet ,god strengthened me to preach with power in the afternoon4 ,i spent some time afterwards in conversing particularly1 with several persons4 ,i prayed afterwards with a sick child1 and gave a word of exhortation1 and returned home with more health than ,i went out2 although my linen was wringing wet upon me1 from a little after ten in the morning1 till past five in the afternoon4 ,my spirits also were considerably refreshed2 and my soul rejoiced in hope1 that ,i had through grace done something for ,god4 ,in the evening ,i walked out1 and enjoyed a sweet season in secret prayer and praise4 ,oh1 for spirituality and holy fervency1 that ,i might spend and be spent for ,god to my latest moment6 ,on ,wednesday he went to ,newark1 to a meeting of the ,presbytery4 ,the remaining part of the week he spent there1 and at ,elisabeth-,town4 99,monday1 ,july #g4 ,my spirits were considerably refreshed4 ,there is no comfort1 ,i find1 in any enjoyment1 without enjoying ,god1 and being engaged in his service4 ,in the evening ,i had the most agreeable conversation that ever ,i remember in all my life1 upon ,god's being all in all1 and all enjoyments being just that to us which ,god makes them1 and no more4 ,it is good to begin and end with ,god4 ,saturday1 ,july #ab4 ,this day was spent in fasting and prayer by my congregation1 as preparatory to the sacrament4 ,i discoursed1 both parts of the day4 ,god gave me assistance in my discourses1 and divine power attended the word2 so that this was an agreeable season4 ,afterwards ,i led them to a solemn renewal of their covenant1 and fresh dedication of themselves to ,god4 ,this was a season both of solemnity and sweetness1 and ,god was in the midst of us4 ,lord's-day1 ,july #ac4 ,i administered the sacrament of the ,lord's supper to thirty-one persons of the ,indians4 ,god seemed to be present in this ordinance2 the communicants were sweetly refreshed4 ,oh1 how they melted1 even when the elements were first uncovered6 ,there was scarcely a dry eye among them1 when ,i took off the linen1 and shewed them the symbols of ,christ's broken body4,having rested a little1 after the administration of the sacrament1 ,i visited the communicants1 and found them generally in a sweet loving frame4 ,in the afternoon ,i discoursed upon coming to ,christ4 ,this was likewise a season of much tenderness4 ,i returned home much spent1 yet rejoicing in the goodness of ,god4 ,monday1 ,july #ad4 ,i discoursed from ,psalms cxix4 #ajf4 8,i have sworn1 and ,i will perform it10 c4 ,there appeared to be a powerful influence on the assembly1 and considerable melting under the word4 ,afterwards1 ,i led them to a renewal of their covenant before ,god1 7that they would watch over themselves and one another1 lest they should fall into sin1 and dishonour the name of ,christ17 just as ,i did on ,monday1 ,april #bh4 ,this transaction was attended with great solemnity3 and ,god owned it by exciting in them a fear and jealousy of themselves1 lest they should sin against ,god4 ,the next day1 he set out on a journey towards ,philadelphia2 from whence he did not return till ,saturday4 ,he spent the week under great illness of body and dejection of mind4 ,monday1 ,july #ba4 ,i preached to the ,indians1 chiefly for the sake of some strangers4 ,i then proposed my design of taking a journey to ,susquahannah3 exhorted my people to pray for me1 and chose divers persons of the congregation to travel with me4 ,monday1 ,july #bh4 ,i was very weak1 but ,i enjoyed sweetness and comfort in prayer2 and was composed and comfortable through the day3 my mind was intense1 and my heart fervent in secret duties2 and ,i longed to spend and be spent for ,god4 ,tuesday1 ,july #bi4 ,my mind was chearful1 and free from those melancholy damps1 that ,i am often exercised with4 ,in the evening ,i enjoyed a comfortable season in secret prayer1 was helped to plead with ,god for my own dear people3 and for the divine presence to attend me in my intended journey to ,susquahannah4 ,wednesday1 ,july #cj4 ,i was uncommonly easy1 both in body and mind3 my mind was solemn1 and ,god seemed to be near me3 so that the day was as comfortable as most ,i have enjoyed for some time4 99,friday1 ,august #a4 ,in the evening ,i enjoyed a sweet season in secret prayer2 clouds and perplexing cares were sweetly scattered4 ,oh1 how serene was my mind6 ,how free from that distracting concern ,i have often felt6 8,thy will be done10 was a petition sweet to my soul3 and if ,god had bidden me chuse for myself in any affair1 ,i should have chosen rather to have referred the choice to him2 for ,i saw he was infinitely wise1 and could not do any thing amiss1 as ,i was in danger of doing4 ,saturday1 ,august #b4 ,i preached from ,matthew xi4 #ai4 and the presence of ,god seemed to be remarkably in the assembly4 ,blessed be ,god for such a revival among us4 ,in the evening ,i was very weary1 but found my spirits supported and refreshed4 ,friday1 ,august #e4 ,i preached at the funeral of one of my ,christians1 was oppressed with the head-ach1 and considerably dejected3 however1 ,i had a little freedom4 ,i was extremely weary in the evening2 but notwithstanding enjoyed some liberty in prayer1 and found the dejection that ,i feared1 much removed1 and my spirits considerably refreshed4 8one0 replaced with 8one of0 per ,errata ,thursday1 ,august #g4 ,i rode to my house1 where ,i spent the last winter1 in order to bring some things ,i needed for my ,susquahannah journey2 ,i was refreshed to see that place1 which ,god so marvellously visited with the showers of his grace4 ,how amazingly did the powers of ,god appear there6 8,bless the ,lord1 ,o my soul40 ,saturday1 ,august #i4 ,in the afternoon1 ,i visited my people1 and contrived for the management of their worldly business3 discoursed to them in a solemn manner1 and concluded with prayer4 ,i was composed in the evening1 and fervent in secret prayer3 had a view of the eternal world1 and much serenity of mind4 ,oh that ,i could magnify the ,lord for any freedom he affords me in prayer6 ,monday1 ,august #aa4 ,being about to set out for ,susquahannah the next day1 ,i spent some time this day in prayer with my people1 that ,god would bless and succeed my journey2 and set up his kingdom among the poor ,indians in the wilderness4 ,while ,i was opening and applying part of the cxth ,psalm1 the power of ,god descended on the assembly2 numbers were melted1 and ,i found affectionate enlargement of soul4 ,god helped me1 and my interpreter also3 there was a shaking and melting among us2 and divers1 ,i doubt not1 were in some measure 8filled with the ,holy ,ghost20 especially while ,i insisted upon the promise of all nations blessing the great ,redeemer3 my soul was refreshed to think1 that this glorious season should surely come2 and numbers of my dear people were also refreshed4 ,afterwards ,i prayed2 and had some freedom1 but was almost spent3 then ,i walked out1 and left my people to carry on religious exercises among themselves3 they prayed repeatedly1 and sung1 while ,i rested4 ,afterwards ,i went to the meeting1 prayed with1 and dismissed the assembly4 ,blessed be ,god1 this has been a day of grace4 ,the next day he set out on his journey towards ,susquahannah1 and six of his ,christian ,indians with him4 ,he took his way through ,philadelphia1 intending to go to ,susquahannah-river1 far down1 where it is settled by the white people1 below the country inhabited by the ,indians3 and so travel up the river to the ,indian habitations3 for although this was much farther about1 yet hereby he avoided the huge mountains and hideous wilderness4 ,he rode this week as far as ,charlestown1 a place of that name about thirty miles westward of ,philadelphia2 where he arrived on ,friday2 and in his way hither1 was for the most part in a comfortable state of mind4 ,saturday1 ,august #af4 ,at ,charlestown4 ,it being a day kept by the people1 as preparatory to the ,lord's supper1 ,i tarried1 heard ,mr4 ,treat preach2 and then preached myself4 ,god helped me to discourse with warmth1 and application1 to the conscience4 ,afterwards ,i was refreshed in spirit1 though much tired2 and spent the evening agreeably in prayer1 and ,christian conversation4 ,monday1 ,august #ah4 ,i rode on my way towards ,paxton1 upon ,susquahannah-river1 but felt my spirits sink1 towards night4 ,tuesday1 ,august #ai4 ,i rode forward still2 and at night lodged by the side of ,susquahannah4 ,wednesday1 ,august #bj4 ,having lain in a cold sweat all night1 ,i coughed much blood this morning2 but ,i had a secret hope that ,i might speedily get a dismission from earth1 and all its sorrows4 ,i rode this day to one ,chambers's1 upon ,susquahannah1 and there lodged1 but was much afflicted1 in the evening1 with an ungodly crew1 drinking and swearing4 ,oh1 what a hell would it be1 to be numbered with the ungodly6 ,thursday1 ,august #ba4 ,i rode up the river about fifteen miles1 and there lodged1 in a family that appeared quite destitute of ,god4 ,i laboured to discourse with the man about the life of religion1 but found him very artful in evading it4 ,oh1 what a death it is to some1 to hear of the things of ,god6 ,friday1 ,august #bb4 ,i continued my course up the river3 my people now being with me1 who before were parted from me2 travelled above all the ,english settlements2 at night1 lodged in the open woods1 and slept with more comfort1 than while among an ungodly company of white people4 ,lord's-day1 ,august #bd4 ,towards noon ,i visited some of the ,delawares1 and discoursed with them about ,christianity4 ,in the afternoon ,i discoursed to the ,king1 and others1 upon divine things1 who seemed disposed to hear4 ,i spent most of the day in these exercises4 ,in the evening ,i enjoyed some comfort3 especially in secret prayer3 so that ,i loved to walk abroad and repeatedly engage in it4 ,monday1 ,august #be4 ,i sent out my people to talk with the ,indians1 and contract a familiarity with them4 ,some good seemed to be done by their visit this day1 and divers appeared willing to hearken to ,christianity4 ,tuesday1 ,august #bf4 ,about noon ,i discoursed to a considerable number of ,indians3 ,i was enabled to speak with much plainness1 warmth1 and power4 ,the discourse had impression upon some1 and made them appear very serious4 ,wednesday1 ,august #bg4 ,there having been a thick smoak1 in the house where ,i lodged1 ,i was this morning distressed with pains in my head and neck4 ,in the morning the smoak was still the same3 and a cold easterly storm gathering1 ,i could neither live within doors nor without long together2 ,i was pierced with the rawness of the air abroad1 in the house distressed with the smoak4 ,i this day lived in great distress1 and had not health enough to do any thing to purpose4 ,thursday1 ,august #bh4 ,i was visited by some who desired to hear me preach3 and discoursed to them in the afternoon1 with some fervency1 and laboured to persuade them to turn to ,god4 99,i scarce ever saw more clearly1 that it is ,god's work to convert souls1 ,i knew ,i could not touch them1 ,i saw ,i could only speak to dry bones1 but could give them no sense of what ,i said4 ,my eyes were up to ,god for help3 ,i could say1 the work was his4 ,friday1 ,august #bi4 ,i travelled to the ,delawares1 found few at home3 felt poorly1 but was able to spend some time alone in reading ,god's word and in prayer4 ,lord's-day1 ,august #ca4 ,i spake the word of ,god1 to some few of the ,susquahannah ,indians4 ,in the afternoon1 ,i felt very weak and feeble4 ,oh1 how heavy is my work1 when faith cannot take hold of an almighty arm1 for the performance of it6 ,monday1 ,september #a4 ,i set out on a journey towards a place called ,the great island1 about fifty miles distant from ,shaumoking1 in the north western branch of ,susquahannah4 ,at night ,i lodged in the woods4 ,i was exceeding feeble1 this day1 and sweat much the night following4 ,tuesday1 ,september #b4 ,i rode forward2 but no faster than my people went on foot4 ,i was so feeble and faint1 that ,i feared it would kill me to lie out in the open air2 and some of our company being parted from us1 so that we had now no axe with us1 ,i had no way but to climb into a young pine tree1 and with my knife to lop the branches1 and so made a shelter from the dew4 ,i sweat much in the night1 so that my linen was almost wringing wet all night4 ,i scarce ever was more weak and weary than this evening4 ,wednesday1 ,september #c4 ,i rode to ,delaware town2 and found divers drinking and drunken4 ,i discoursed with some of the ,indians about ,christianity2 observed my interpreter much engaged in his work2 some few persons seemed to hear with great earnestness4 ,about noon ,i rode to a small town of ,shawwannoes1 about eight miles distant2 spent an hour or two there1 and returned to the ,delaware town4 ,oh what a dead1 barren1 unprofitable wretch did ,i now see myself to be6 ,my spirits were so low1 and my bodily strength so wasted1 that ,i could do nothing at all4 ,at length being much overdone ,i lay down on a buffalo-skin2 but sweat much the whole night4 duplicate word 8a0 removed ,thursday1 ,september #d4 ,i discoursed with the ,indians about ,christianity2 my interpreter1 afterwards1 carrying on the discourse to a considerable length3 some few appeared well disposed1 and somewhat affected4 ,i left this place1 and returned to ,shaumoking2 and at night lodged in the place where ,i lodged the ,monday night before3 but my people being belated did not come to me till past ten at night2 so that ,i had no fire to dress any victuals1 or to keep me warm2 and ,i was scarce ever more weak and worn out in my life4 8sarce0 replaced with 8scarce0 ,friday1 ,september #e4 ,i was so weak1 that ,i could scarcely ride3 it seemed sometimes as if ,i must fall off from my horse3 however1 ,i got to ,shaumoking towards night1 and felt thankfulness1 that ,god had so far returned me4 ,saturday1 ,september #f4 ,i spent the day in a very weak state2 coughing and spitting blood1 and having little appetite to any food ,i had with me3 ,i was able to do very little1 except discourse awhile of divine things to my own people1 and to some few ,i met with4 ,monday1 ,september #h4 ,i spent the forenoon among the ,indians2 in the afternoon1 left ,shaumoking1 and returned down the river a few miles4 ,i had proposed to have tarried a considerable time longer among the ,indians upon ,susquahannah2 but was hindered by the weakly circumstances of my own people1 and especially my own extraordinary weakness1 having been exercised with great nocturnal sweats1 and a coughing up of blood1 in almost the whole of the journey4 ,i was a great part of the time so feeble and faint1 that it seemed as though ,i never should be able to reach home2 and at the same time destitute of the comforts1 yea the necessaries of life2 at least what was necessary for one in so weak a state4 ,in this journey ,i sometimes was enabled to speak the word of ,god with power1 and divine truths made some impression on divers that heard me2 so that several1 both men and women1 old and young1 seemed to cleave to us1 and be well disposed towards ,christianity2 but others mocked and shouted1 which damped those who before seemed friendly4 ,yet ,god at times1 was evidently present1 assisting me1 my interpreter1 and other dear friends who were with me in prayer for the ingathering of souls there2 and ,i could not but entertain a strong hope1 that the journey would not be wholly fruitless4 ,tuesday1 ,september #i4 ,i rode down the river1 near thirty miles1 was extreme weak1 much fatigued1 and wet with a thunder storm4 ,i discoursed with some warmth and closeness to some poor ignorant souls1 on the life and power of religion4 ,they seemed much astonished1 when they saw my ,indians ask a blessing1 and give thanks at dinner3 concluding that a very high evidence of grace in them2 but were more astonished1 when ,i insisted that neither that1 nor yet secret prayer1 was any sure evidence of grace4 ,oh the ignorance of the world6 ,how are some empty outward forms1 mistaken for true religion4 ,wednesday1 ,september #aj4 ,i rode near twenty miles homeward2 and was much solicited to preach1 but was utterly unable4 ,i was extremely over done with the heat and showers1 and coughed up considerable quantities of blood4 ,thursday1 ,september #aa4 ,i rode homeward3 but was very weak1 and sometimes scarce able to ride1 ,i had a very importunate invitation to preach at a meeting house ,i came by1 but could not by reason of weakness4 ,i was resigned under my weakness2 but was much exercised for my companions in travel1 whom ,i had left with much regret1 some lame1 and some sick4 ,friday1 ,september #ab4 ,i rode about fifty miles2 and came just at night to a ,christian friend's house1 about twenty-five miles westward of ,philadelphia4 ,i was kindly entertained1 and found myself much refreshed in the midst of my weakness and fatigues4 ,lord's-day1 ,september #ad4 ,i preached both parts of the day 7but short7 from ,luke xiv4 #bc4 ,god gave me freedom and warmth in my discourse2 and helped me to labour in singleness of heart4 ,i was much tired in the evening1 but was comforted with the most tender treatment ,i ever met with in my life4 ,my mind through the whole of this day1 was exceeding calm2 and ,i could ask for nothing but that 8the will of ,god might be done40 ,wednesday1 ,september #ag4 ,i rode into ,philadelphia1 but was very weak1 and my cough and my spitting of blood continued4 ,saturday1 ,september #bj4 ,i arrived among my own people3 found them praying together3 went in1 and gave them some account of ,god's dealings with me and my companions in the journey4 ,i then prayed with them1 and the divine presence was among us2 divers were melted into tears4 ,being very weak1 ,i was obliged soon to repair to my lodgings4 ,thus ,god has carried me through the fatigues and perils of another journey to ,susquahannah1 and returned me again in safety1 though under a great degree of bodily indisposition4 ,many hardships and distresses ,i endured in this journey3 but the ,lord supported me under them all4 ,,part ,,viii4 ,after his return from his last journey to ,susquahannah1 until his death4 ,,hitherto ,mr4 ,brainerd had kept a constant diary1 giving an account of what passed from day to day3 but henceforward his diary is much interrupted by his illness2 under which he was often brought so low1 as not to be able to recollect in the evening1 what had passed in the day1 and set down an orderly account of it in writing4 ,however he took some notice of the most material things concerning himself1 'till within a few days of his death4 8recolect0 replaced with 8recollect0 99,lord's-day1 ,september #ba1 #agdf4 ,i was so weak ,i could not preach1 nor ride over to my people in the forenoon4 ,in the afternoon ,i rode out2 sat in my chair1 and discoursed to my people from ,romans xiv4 #g1 #h4 ,i was strengthened in my discourse2 and there appeared something agreeable in the assembly4 ,i returned to my lodgings extremely tired2 but thankful1 that ,i had been enabled to speak a word to my poor people4 ,i was able to sleep little1 through weariness and pain4 ,oh1 how blessed should ,i be1 if the little ,i do1 were all done with right views6 8strenghened0 replaced with 8strengthened0 ,saturday1 ,september #bg4 ,i spent this as the week past1 under a great degree of bodily weakness1 exercised with a violent cough1 and a considerable fever2 had no appetite to any kind of food2 and frequently brought up what ,i ate1 as soon as it was down3 ,i was able1 however1 to ride over to my people1 about two miles1 every day1 and take some care of those who were then at work upon a small house for me to reside in amongst the ,indians4 ,i was sometimes scarce able to walk1 and never able to sit up the whole day4 ,yet ,i was calm and composed1 and but little exercised with melancholy1 as in former seasons4 ,it was many times a comfort to me1 that life and death did not depend upon my choice4 ,i was pleased to think1 that he who is infinitely wise1 had the determination of this matter2 and that ,i had no trouble1 to consider and weigh things upon all sides1 in order to make the choice1 whether ,i would live or die4 ,i could with great composure look death in the face1 and frequently with sensible joy4 ,oh1 how blessed it is1 to be habitually prepared for death6 ,the ,lord grant1 that ,i may be actually ready also6 ,this was the fourth house he built for his residence among the ,indians4 ,lord's day1 ,september #bh4 ,i rode to my people2 and1 though under much weakness1 discoursed about half an hour2 at which season divine power seemed to attend the word2 but being extreme weak1 ,i was obliged to desist2 and after a turn of faintness1 with much difficulty rode to my lodgings1 where betaking myself to my bed1 ,i lay in a burning fever1 and almost delirious1 for several hours1 till towards morning1 my fever went off with a violent sweat4 ,i have often been feverish after preaching3 but this was the most distressing turn1 that ever preaching brought upon me4 ,yet ,i felt perfectly at rest in my own mind1 because ,i had made my utmost attempts to speak for ,god4 ,tuesday1 ,september #cj4 ,yesterday and to-day ,i was scarce able to sit up half the day4 ,but ,i was in a composed frame remarkably free from dejection and melancholy2 as ,god has been pleased to deliver me from these unhappy glooms1 in the general course of my present weakness1 and also from a peevish spirit4 ,oh that ,i may always be able to say1 8,lord1 not my will1 but thine be done60 8,i0 replaced with 8,i was0 and #bnd 8was0 deleted per ,errata ,saturday1 ,october #d4 ,i spent the former part of this week under a great degree of disorder1 as ,i had done several weeks before3 was able1 however1 to ride a little every day1 although unable to sit up half the day1 and took some care daily of persons at work upon my house4 ,on ,friday afternoon ,i found myself wonderfully revived and strengthened2 and having some time before given notice to my people1 and those at the ,forks of ,delaware in particular1 that ,i designed1 to administer the sacrament of the ,lord's supper upon the first sabbath in ,october3 on ,friday afternoon ,i preached preparatory to the sacrament1 from #b ,corinthians xiii4 #e4 ,i was surprisingly strengthened in my work1 while ,i was speaking3 but was obliged immediately after to repair to bed1 being now removed into my own house among the ,indians2 which gave me such speedy relief1 as ,i could not well have lived without4 ,i spent some time on ,friday night in conversing with my people as ,i lay upon my bed2 and found my soul refreshed4 ,this being ,saturday1 ,i discoursed particularly with divers of the communicants2 and this afternoon preached from ,zechariah xii4 #aj4 ,there seemed to be a tender melting1 and hearty mourning for sin in the congregation4 ,my soul was in a comfortable frame1 and ,i was myself1 as well as most of the congregation1 much affected with the humble confession1 and apparent broken-heartedness of a backslider2 and could not but rejoice1 that ,god had given him such a sense of his sin and unworthiness4 ,i was extremely tired in the evening2 but lay on my bed1 and discoursed to my people4 99,lord's-day1 ,october #e4 ,i was still very weak2 and in the morning afraid ,i should not be able to go through the work of the day4 ,i discoursed before the administration of the sacrament from ,john i4 #bi4 8,behold the ,lamb of ,god1 that taketh away the sin of the world40,the divine presence attended this discourse2 and the assembly was considerably melted4 ,after sermon ,i baptized two persons1 and then administered the ,lord's supper to near forty communicants of the ,indians1 besides divers dear ,christians of the white people4 ,it was a season of divine power and grace2 and numbers rejoiced in ,god4 ,oh1 the sweet union and harmony then appearing among the religious people6 ,my soul was refreshed1 and my friends1 of the white people1 with me4 ,after the sacrament ,i could scarcely get home2 but was supported by my friends1 and laid on my bed2 where ,i lay in pain till the evening2 and then was able to sit up and discourse with my friends4 ,oh1 how was this day spent in prayers and praises among my dear people6 ,one might hear them all the morning before public worship1 and in the evening till near midnight1 praying and singing praises to ,god1 in one or other of their houses4 99,saturday1 ,october #aa4 ,towards night ,i was seized with an ague1 which was followed with a hard fever1 and much pain3 ,i was treated with great kindness and was ashamed to see so much concern about so unworthy a creature4 ,i was in a comfortable frame of mind1 wholly submissive with regard to life or death4 ,it was indeed a peculiar satisfaction to me1 to think that it was not my business to determine whether ,i should live or die4 ,i likewise felt peculiarly satisfied1 while under this uncommon degree of disorder2 being now fully convinced of my being unable to perform my work4 ,oh how precious is time6 ,and how guilty it makes me feel1 when ,i think ,i have trifled away and misemployed it1 or neglected to fill up each part of it with duty1 to the utmost of my ability6 ,october #ai4 ,i was willing either to die or live2 but found it hard to think of living useless4 ,oh that ,i might never live to be a burden to ,god's creation2 but that ,i might be allowed to repair home1 when my sojourning work is done6 ,friday1 ,october #bd4 ,i spent the day in overseeing and directing my people about mending their fence1 and securing their wheat4 ,i was somewhat refreshed in the evening1 having been able to do something valuable in the day time4 ,oh1 how it pains me1 to see time pass away1 when ,i can do nothing to any purpose6 ,saturday1 ,october #be4 ,i visited some of my people3 spent some time in writing1 and felt much better in body than usual3 when it was near night ,i felt so well1 that ,i had thoughts of expounding3 but in the evening was much disordered again1 and spent the night in coughing1 and spitting of blood4 ,lord's-day1 ,october #bf4 ,in the morning ,i was exceeding weak1 and spent the day till near night1 in pain to see my poor people wandering as sheep not having a shepherd4 ,but towards night finding myself a little better1 ,i called them together to my house and sat down1 and read and expounded ,matthew v4 #aaf4 ,this discourse1 though delivered in much weakness1 was attended with power2 especially what was spoken upon the last of these verses1 where ,i insisted on the infinite wrong done to religion1 by having our light become darkness1 instead of shining before men4 ,as many were deeply affected with a sense of their deficiency1 in regard of spiritual conversation1 and a spirit of concern and watchfulness seemed to be excited in them2 so there was one that had fallen into drunkenness1 sometime before1 who was now deeply convinced of his sin1 and discovered a great degree of concern on that account4 ,my soul was refreshed to see this4 ,and though ,i had no strength to speak so much as ,i would have done1 but was obliged to lie down on the bed3 yet ,i rejoiced to see such an humble melting in the congregation2 and that divine truths1 though faintly delivered1 were attended with so much efficacy4 ,monday1 ,october #bg4 ,i spent the day in directing the ,indians1 about mending the fence round their wheat3 and was able to walk with them1 and contrive their business all the forenoon4 ,in the afternoon ,i was visited by two dear friends1 and spent some time in conversation with them4 ,towards night ,i was able to walk out1 and take care of the ,indians again4 ,october #bh4 ,i rode to ,prince-,town1 in a very weak state3 had such a violent fever1 by the way1 that ,i was forced to alight at a friend's house1 and lie down for some time4 ,near night ,i was visited by ,mr4 ,treat1 ,mr4 ,beaty1 and his wife1 and another friend3 my spirits were refreshed to see them3 but ,i was surprized1 and even ashamed1 that they had taken so much pains as to ride thirty or forty miles to see me4 ,saturday1 ,november #a4 ,i took leave of my friends and returned home4 ,lord's-day1 ,november #b4 ,i was unable to preach and scarcely able to sit up the whole day4 ,i was almost sunk1 to see my poor people destitute of the means of grace2 and especially considering they could not read1 and so were under great disadvantages for spending the sabbath comfortably4 ,oh1 methought1 ,i could be contented to be sick1 if my poor flock had a faithful pastor to feed them4 ,a view of their want of this was more afflictive to me1 than all my bodily illness4 ,monday1 ,november #c4 ,being now in so low a state1 that ,i was utterly uncapable of performing my work1 and having little hope of recovery1 unless by much riding1 ,i thought it my duty to take a journey into ,new-,england1 ,i accordingly took leave of my congregation this day4,before ,i left my people1 ,i visited them all in their respective houses1 and discoursed to each1 as ,i thought most suitable for their circumstances1 and found great freedom in so doing3 ,i scarce left one house but some were in tears1 not only affected with my being about to leave them1 but with the solemn addresses ,i made2 for ,i was helped to be fervent in spirit4 ,when ,i had thus gone through my congregation1 7which took me most of the day7 and had taken leave of them1 and of the school1 ,i rode about two miles1 to the house where ,i lived in the summer past1 and there lodged4 ,tuesday1 ,november #d4 ,i rode to ,woodbridge1 and lodged with ,mr4 ,pierson4 ,wednesday1 ,november #e4 ,i rode to ,elisabeth-,town1 intending as soon as possible to prosecute my journey4 ,but ,i was in an hour or two taken much worse4,for near a week ,i was confined to my chamber1 and most of the time to my bed2 and then so far revived as to be able to walk about the house2 but was still confined within doors4 ,i was enabled to maintain a calm1 composed1 and patient spirit1 as ,i had from the beginning of my weakness4 ,after ,i had been in ,elisabeth-,town about a fortnight1 and had so far recovered that ,i was able to walk about the house1 upon a day of thanksgiving kept in this place1 ,i was enabled to recount the mercies of ,god1 in such a manner as greatly affected me1 and filled me with thankfulness to ,god2 especially for his work of grace among the ,indians1 and the enlargement of his kingdom4 8,lord1 glorify thyself10 was the cry of my soul4 ,oh that all people might love and praise the blessed ,god6 ,after this comfortable season1 ,i frequently enjoyed enlargement of soul in prayer for my dear congregation1 very often for every family1 and every person in particular2 and it was a great comfort to me1 that ,i could pray heartily to ,god for those whom ,i was not allowed to see4 ,in the latter end of ,december1 ,i grew still weaker1 and continued to do so1 till the latter end of ,january #agdfg4 ,and having a violent cough1 a considerable fever1 and no appetite for any manner of food1 ,i was reduced to so low a state1 that my friends generally despaired of my life2 and for some time together1 thought ,i could scarce live a day to an end4 ,on ,lord's-day1 ,february #a4 8,if ye1 being evil1 know how to give good gifts to your children1 how much more will your heavenly ,father give the holy ,spirit to them that ask him80 ,this text ,i was helped to plead1 and saw the divine faithfulness engaged for dealing with me better than any earthly parent can do with his child4 ,this season so refreshed my soul1 that my body seemed also to be a gainer by it4 ,and from this time1 ,i began gradually to amend4 ,and as ,i recovered some strength1 vigour1 and spirit1 ,i found at times some life in the exercises of devotion1 and longings after spirituality and a life of usefulness4 ,on ,tuesday1 ,february #bd4 ,i was able to ride as far as ,newark1 7having been confined within ,elisabeth-,town almost four months17 and the next day returned to ,elisabeth-,town4 ,my spirits were somewhat refreshed with the ride1 though my body was weary4 ,on ,saturday1 ,february #bh4 ,i was visited by an ,indian of my own congregation1 who brought me letters1 and good news of the behaviour of my people in general4 ,this refreshed my soul1 ,i could not but retire and bless ,god for his goodness4 ,wednesday1 ,march #aa1 being kept in ,elisabeth-,town as a day of fasting and prayer1 ,i was able to attend public worship1 which was the first time since ,december #ba4 ,oh1 how much distress did ,god carry me through in this space of time6 ,but having obtained help from him1 ,i yet live3 ,oh that ,i could live to his glory6 8at0 replaced with 8as0 ,thursday1 ,march #ah4 ,i rode to my people3 and on ,friday morning walked about among them and inquired into their state and concerns2 and found an additional weight on my spirits upon hearing some things disagreeable4 ,i endeavoured to go to ,god with my distresses3 but notwithstanding1 my mind continued very gloomy4 ,about ten o'clock1 ,i called my people together1 and after having explained and sung a psalm1 ,i prayed with them4 ,there was a considerable deal of affection among them2 ,i doubt not1 that which was more than merely natural4 ,this was the last interview that he ever had with his people4 ,about eleven o'clock the same day1 he left them3 and the next day came to ,elisabeth-,town4 ,saturday1 ,march #bh4 ,i was taken this morning with a violent griping4 ,these pains were extreme and constant1 for several hours3 so that it seemed impossible for me1 without a miracle1 to live twenty-four hours4 ,i lay confined to my bed1 the whole day3 but it pleased ,god to bless means for the abatement of my distress4 ,i was exceedingly weakened by this pain1 and continued so for several days following4 ,in this distressed case1 death appeared agreeable to me3 as an entrance into a place 8where the weary are at rest20 and1 ,i had some relish of the entertainments of the heavenly state2 so that by these ,i was allured and drawn1 as well as driven by the fatigues of life4 ,oh1 how happy it is1 to be drawn by desires of a state of perfect holiness6 ,saturday1 ,april #d4 ,i was uneasy1 by reason of the misemployment of time3 and yet knew not what to do3 ,i longed to spend time in fasting and prayer2 but alas1 ,i had not bodily strength6 ,oh1 how blessed a thing is it1 to enjoy peace of conscience6 ,how dreadful is a want of inward peace6 ,it is impossible1 ,i find1 to enjoy this happiness without redeeming time1 and maintaining a spiritual frame of mind4 ,lord's-day1 ,april #e4 ,it grieved me1 to find myself so inconceivably barren4 ,my soul thirsted for grace2 but1 alas1 how far was ,i from obtaining what ,i saw so excellent6 ,i was ready to despair of ever being holy2 and yet my soul was desirous of following hard after ,god2 but never did ,i see myself so far from having apprehended1 or being already perfect4 ,the ,lord's supper being this day administered1 in the season of communion1 ,i enjoyed warmth of affection1 and felt a tender love to the brethren2 and1 to the glorious ,redeemer1 the first-born among them4 ,i endeavoured then to bring forth mine and his enemies1 and slay them before him2 and found great freedom in begging deliverance from this spiritual death1 as well as in asking favours for my friends and congregation1 and the church of ,christ in general4 ,friday1 ,april #ag4 ,in the evening1 ,god helped me to 8draw near to the throne of grace10 and gave me a sense of his favour1 which gave me inexpressible support and encouragement2 ,i could not but rejoice1 that ever ,god should discover his reconciled face to such a vile sinner4 ,shame and confusion1 at times1 covered me2 and then hope1 and joy1 and admiration of the divine goodness4 ,tuesday1 ,april #ba4 ,i set out on my journey for ,new-,england2 ,i travelled to ,new-,york1 and there lodged4 ,this proved his final departure from ,new-,jersey4,he travelled slowly1 and arrived among his friends at ,east-,haddam1 about the beginning of ,may4 ,lord's-day1 ,may #aj4 7,at ,had-,lime7 ,i could not but feel gratitude to ,god1 that he had always disposed me1 in my ministry1 to insist on the great doctrines of regeneration1 a new creature1 faith in ,christ1 progressive sanctification1 supreme love to ,god1 living entirely to the glory of ,god1 being not our own1 and the like4 ,god has helped me to see1 from time to time1 that these1 and the like doctrines1 necessarily connected with them1 are the only foundation of safety and salvation for perishing sinners2 and that those divine dispositions1 which are consonant hereto1 are that holiness1 8without which no man shall see the ,lord30 the exercise of these ,god-like tempers1 wherein the soul acts in a kind of concert with ,god1 and would be and do every thing that is pleasing to ,god2 this1 ,i saw1 would stand by the soul in a dying hour2 for ,god must deny himself1 if he cast away his own image1 even the soul that is one in desires with himself4 ,lord's-day1 ,may #ag4 ,though ,i felt much dulness this week2 yet ,i had some glimpses of the excellency of divine things2 and especially one morning1 the beauty of holiness1 as a likeness to the glorious ,god1 was so discovered to me1 that ,i longed earnestly to be in that world where holiness dwells in perfection1 that ,i might please ,god1 live entirely to him1 and glorify him to the utmost stretch of my capacities4 99,lord's-day4 ,may #bd4 7,at ,long-,meadow in ,springfield7 ,i could not but think1 as ,i have often remarked to others1 that much more of true religion consists in deep humility1 brokenness of heart1 and an abasing sense of want of holiness1 than most who are called ,christians imagine4 ,on ,thursday1 ,may #bh4 ,he came from ,long-,meadow to ,northampton1 appearing vastly better than he had been in the winter2 indeed so well1 that he was able to ride twenty-five miles in a day1 and to walk half a mile2 but yet he was undoubtedly1 at that time1 in a confirmed1 incurable consumption4 99,i had much opportunity before this1 of particular information concerning him1 but now ,i had opportunity for a more full acquaintance with him4 ,i found him remarkably sociable1 pleasant1 and entertaining in his conversation2 yet solid1 savoury1 spiritual1 and very profitable2 appearing meek1 modest1 and humble1 far from any stiffness1 moroseness1 superstitious demureness1 or affected singularity in speech or behaviour4 ,we enjoyed not only the benefit of his conversation1 but had the comfort of hearing him pray in the family1 from time to time4 ,his manner of praying was becoming a worm of the dust1 and a disciple of ,christ addressing an infinitely great and holy ,god1 and ,father of mercies2 not with florid expressions1 or a studied eloquence2 not with any intemperate vehemence1 or indecent boldness2 at the greatest distance from any appearance of ostentation1 and from every thing that might look as though he meant to recommend himself to those that were about him1 or set himself off to their acceptance1 free from vain repetitions1 without impertinent excursions1 or needless multiplying of words4 ,he expressed himself with the strictest propriety1 with weight and pungency2 and yet what his lips uttered seemed to flow from the fulness of his heart1 deeply impressed with a great and solemn sense of our necessities1 unworthiness1 and dependence1 of ,god's infinite greatness1 excellency1 and sufficiency1 rather than merely from a warm and fruitful brain4 ,and ,i know not1 that ever ,i heard him so much as ask a blessing or return thanks at table1 but there was something remarkable to be observed both in the matter and manner of the performance4 ,in his prayers he insisted much on the prosperity of ,zion1 the advancement of ,christ's kingdom in the world1 and the flourishing and propagation of religion among the ,indians4 ,and he generally made it one petition in his prayer1 8that we might not outlive our usefulness40 ,this week he consulted ,dr4 ,mather1 at my house1 concerning his illness2 who plainly told him there were great evidences of his being in a confirmed consumption1 and that he could give him no encouragement1 that he should ever recover4 ,but it seemed not to occasion the least discomposure in him1 nor to make any alteration as to the freedom or pleasantness of his conversation4 99,lord's-day1 ,june #g4 ,my soul was so drawn forth1 this day1 by what ,i heard of the 8exceeding preciousness of the grace of ,god's ,spirit10 that it almost overcame my body3 ,i saw that true grace is exceeding precious indeed2 that it is very rare2 and that there is but a very small degree of it1 even where the reality of it is to be found4 ,in the preceeding week1 ,i enjoyed some comfortable seasons of meditation4 ,one morning the cause of ,god appeared exceeding precious to me3 ,i saw also1 that ,god has an infinitely greater concern for it1 than ,i could possibly have2 that if ,i have any true love to this blessed interest1 it is only a drop derived from that ocean4 ,hence ,i was ready to 8lift up my head with joy20 and conclude1 8,well1 if ,god's cause be so dear and precious to him1 he will promote it40 ,he was advised by physicians still to continue riding as what would tend to prolong his life4 ,he was at a loss for some time which way to bend his course2 but finally determined to ride to ,boston2 we having concluded that one of this family should go with him and be helpful to him in his low state4 ,tuesday1 ,june #i4 ,i set out on a journey from ,northampton to ,boston4 ,having now continued to ride for some considerable time1 ,i felt myself much better1 and ,i found that in proportion to the prospect ,i had of being restored to a state of usefulness1 ,i desired the continuance of life3 but death appeared inconceivably more desirable to me1 than a useless life2 yet blessed be ,god1 ,i found my heart fully resigned to this greatest of afflictions1 if ,god saw fit thus to deal with me4 ,friday1 ,june #ab4 ,i arrived in ,boston this day1 somewhat fatigued with my journey4 ,there is no rest but in ,god2 fatigues of body1 and anxieties of mind1 attend us1 both in town and country4 8,july0 replaced with 8,june0 ,on ,thursday1 ,june #ah4 ,i was taken exceeding ill1 and brought to the gates of death1 by the breaking of some small ulcers in my lungs1 as my physician supposed4 ,in this weak state ,i continued several weeks1 and was frequently so low1 as to be utterly speechless2 and even after ,i had so far revived as to step out of doors1 ,i was exercised every day with a faint turn1 which continued usually four or five hours2 at which times1 though ,i could say ,yes or ,no1 yet ,i could not speak one sentence1 without making stops for breath2 and divers times in this season1 my friends gathered round my bed to see me breathe my last4 ,how ,i was1 the first day or two of my illness1 with regard to the exercise of reason1 ,i scarcely know2 but the third day1 and constantly afterwards1 for four or five weeks together1 ,i enjoyed as much serenity of mind1 and clearness of thought1 as perhaps ,i ever did in my life4 ,and ,i think my mind never penetrated with so much ease and freedom into divine things1 and ,i never felt so capable of demonstrating the truth of many important doctrines of the gospel as now4 ,as ,god was pleased to afford me clearness of thought almost continually1 for several weeks together2 so he enabled me in some measure1 to employ my time to valuable purposes4 ,i was enabled to write a number of important letters1 to friends in remote places2 and sometimes ,i wrote ,i was speechless1 i4 e4 unable to maintain conversation with any body499,besides this ,i had many visitants2 with whom when ,i was able to speak1 ,i always conversed of the things of religion3 and was peculiarly assisted in distinguishing between true and false religion4 ,and especially ,i discoursed repeatedly on the nature and necessity of that humiliation1 self-emptiness1 or full conviction of a person's being utterly undone in himself1 which is necessary in order to a saving faith1 and the extreme difficulty of being brought to this1 and the great danger there is of persons taking up with some self-righteous appearances of it4 ,the danger of this ,i especially dwelt upon1 being persuaded that multitudes perish in this hidden way2 because so little is said from most pulpits to discover any danger here3 so that persons being never effectually brought to die to themselves1 are never truly united to ,christ4 ,i also discoursed much on what ,i take to be the essence of true religion1 that ,god-like temper and disposition of soul1 and that holy conversation and behaviour1 that may justly claim the honour of having ,god for its original pattern4 ,and ,i have reason to hope ,god blessed my discoursing to some1 both ministers and people2 so that my time was not wholly lost4 ,also the honourable ,commissioners in ,boston1 of the incorporated society in ,london for propagating the gospel in ,new-,england1 and parts adjacent1 having a legacy of the late ,dr4 ,daniel ,williams of ,london1 for the support of two missionaries to the ,heathen1 were pleased1 while he was at ,boston1 to consult him about a mission to those ,indians called the ,six ,nations2 and were so satisfied with his sentiments on this head1 and had that confidence in his faithfulness1 and judgment1 that they desired him to recommend a couple of persons fit to be employed in this business4 8propogating0 replaced with 8propagating0 ,mr4 ,brainerd's restoration from his extreme low state in ,boston1 so as to go abroad again and to travel1 was very unexpected to him and his friends4 ,my daughter who was with him writes thus concerning him in a letter dated ,june #bc48,on ,thursday he was very ill of a violent fever1 and extreme pain in his head and breast1 and at turns1 delirious4 ,so he remained till ,saturday evening1 when he seemed to be in the agonies of death3 the family was up with him 'till one or two o'clock1 expecting every hour would be his last4 ,on sabbath day he was a little revived1 his head was better1 but very full of pain1 and exceeding sore at his breast1 much put to it for breath4 ,yesterday he was better upon all accounts4 ,last night he slept but little4 ,this morning he is much worse4,dr4 ,pynchon says1 he has no hopes of his life2 nor does he think it likely he will ever come out of his chamber40 ,his physician1 the honourable ,joseph ,pynchon1 ,esq4 when he visited him in ,boston1 attributed his sinking so suddenly into a state so nigh unto death1 to the breaking of ulcers1 that had been long gathering in his lungs1 and there discharging and diffusing their purulent matter2 which1 while nature was labouring and struggling to throw off1 7that could be done no otherwise1 than by a gradual straining of it through the small vessels of those vital parts17 this occasioned an high fever and violent coughing1 and threw the whole frame of nature into the utmost disorder2 but supposed if the state of nature held till the lungs had gradually cleared themselves of this putrid matter1 he might revive1 and continue better1 till new ulcers gathered and broke2 but then he would surely sink again2 and that there was no hope of his recovery2 but 7as he expressed himself to one of my neighbours7 he was as certainly a dead man1 as if he was shot through the heart4 ,but so it was ordered by divine ,providence1 that the strength of nature held out through this great conflict1 and then he revived1 to the astonishment of all that knew his case4 ,after he began to revive1 he was visited by his youngest brother ,mr4 ,israel ,brainerd1 a student at ,yale-college2 who having heard of his extreme illness1 came to ,boston to see him4 ,this visit was attended with a mixture of joy and sorrow to ,mr4 ,brainerd4 ,he greatly rejoiced to see his brother1 especially because he had desired an opportunity of some religious conversation with him before he died4 ,but this meeting was attended with sorrow1 as his brother brought to him the tidings of his sister ,spencer's death at ,haddam3 a sister1 between whom and him had long subsisted a peculiar dear affection1 and much intimacy in spiritual matters4 ,he had heard nothing of her sickness4 ,but he had these comforts together with the tidings1 a confidence of her being gone to heaven1 and an expectation of soon meeting her there4,his brother continued with him till he left the town1 and came with him from thence to ,northampton4 ,concerning the last ,sabbath ,mr4 ,brainerd spent at ,boston1 he writes in his diary as follows4 ,lord's-day1 ,july #ai4 ,i was just able to attend public worship1 being carried to the house of ,god in a chaise4 ,i heard ,dr4 ,sewall preach in the forenoon2 partook of the ,lord's supper at this time4 ,in the sacrament1 ,i saw astonishing wisdom displayed2 such wisdom as required the tongues of angels and glorified saints to celebrate4 ,it seemed to me ,i never should do any thing at adoring the infinite wisdom of ,god discovered in the contrivance of man's redemption1 until ,i arrived at a world of perfection4 ,yet ,i could not help striving to 8call upon my soul1 and all within me1 to bless the name of ,god40 ,the next day he set out in the cool of the afternoon1 for ,northampton1 attended by his brother1 and my daughter that went with him to ,boston2 and would have been accompanied out of the town by a number of gentlemen1 had not his aversion to any thing of pomp and shew prevented it4 ,saturday1 ,july #be4 ,i arrived at ,northampton1 having set out from ,boston on ,monday4 ,in this journey1 ,i rode about sixteen miles a day1 one day with another4 ,i was sometimes extremely tired1 so that it seemed impossible for me to proceed any further3 at other times ,i was considerably better1 and felt some freedom both of body and mind4 ,lord's-day1 ,july #bf4 ,this day1 ,i saw clearly1 that ,god himself could not make me happy unless ,i could be in a capacity to 8please and glorify him for ever40 ,take away this1 and admit me into all the fine heavens that can be conceived by men or angels1 and ,i should still be miserable for ever4 ,though he had revived1 so as to be able to travel thus far1 yet he manifested no expectation of recovery3 he supposed as his physician did1 that his being brought so near to death at ,boston1 was owing to the breaking of ulcers in his lungs4 ,he told me that he had had several such ill turns before1 only not to so high a degree1 but as he supposed owing to the same cause2 and that he was brought lower and lower every time2 and it appeared to him1 that in his last sickness 7in ,boston7 he was brought as low as possible1 and yet alive2 and that he had not the least expectation of surviving the next return of this breaking of ulcers2 but still appeared perfectly calm4 ,on ,wednesday morning1 the week after he came to ,northampton1 he took leave of his brother ,israel1 never expecting to see him again in this world4 ,when ,mr4 ,brainerd came hither1 he had so much strength as to be able1 from day to day1 to ride out two or three miles1 and to return2 and sometimes to pray in the family2 but from this time he sensibly decayed1 and became weaker and weaker4 99,while he was here1 his conversation from first to last was much on the same subjects as it had been in ,boston4 ,he was much in speaking of the nature of true religion1 as distinguished from its various counterfeits2 expressing his great concern1 that the latter did so much prevail in so many places4 ,he often manifested his great abhorrence of all such doctrines and principles1 as in any wise savoured of1 and had any 7though but a remote7 tendency to ,antinomianism2 of all such notions as seemed to diminish the necessity of holiness of life1 or to abate men's regard to the commands of ,god1 and a strict1 diligent1 and universal practice of virtue1 under a pretence of depreciating our works1 and magnifying ,god's free grace4 ,he spake often with much detestation1 of such discoveries and joys as have nothing of the nature of sanctification in them1 and do not tend to strictness1 tenderness1 and diligence in religion1 and meekness and benevolence toward mankind3 and he also declared1 that he looked on such pretended humility as worthy of no regard1 that was not manifested by modesty of conduct and conversation4 99,after he came hither1 as long as he lived1 he was much in speaking of the future prosperity of ,zion that is so often promised in scripture3 and his mind seemed to be carried forth with intense desires1 that religion might speedily revive and flourish2 yea1 the nearer death advanced1 still the more did his mind seem to be taken up with this subject4 ,he told me1 when near his end1 that 8he never in all his life had his mind so led forth in desires and earnest prayers for the flourishing of ,christ's kingdom on earth1 as since he was brought so exceeding low at ,boston40 ,he seemed much to wonder1 that there appeared no more of a disposition in ministers and people to pray for the flourishing of religion through the world2 that so little a part of their prayers was generally taken up about it1 in their families1 and elsewhere2 and particularly1 he several times expressed his wonder1 that there appeared no more forwardness to comply with the proposal lately made in a memorial from a number of ministers in ,scotland1 and sent over into ,america1 for united extraordinary prayer1 among ,christ's ministers and people1 for the coming of ,christ's kingdom3 and he sent as his dying advice to his own congregation1 that they should practise agreeably to that proposal4 ,his congregation1 since this1 have with great chearfulness and unanimity fallen in with this advice1 and have practised agreeably to the proposal from ,scotland2 and have at times appeared with uncommon engagedness and fervency of spirit in their united devotions1 pursuant to that proposal4 ,also the presbyteries of ,new-,york1 and ,new-,brunswick1 since this1 have with one consent1 fallen in with the proposal1 as likewise some others of ,god's people in those parts4 99,though he was exceeding weak1 yet there appeared in him a continual care well to employ time1 and fill it up with something that might be profitable2 either profitable conversation1 or writing letters to absent friends1 or noting something in his diary1 or looking over his former writings1 correcting them1 and preparing them to be left in the hands of others at his death1 or giving some directions concerning a future management of his people1 or employment in secret devotions4 ,he seemed never to be easy1 however ill1 if he was not doing something for ,god1 or in his service4 ,in his diary for ,lord's-day1 ,august #af1 he speaks of his having so much refreshment of soul in the house of ,god1 that it seemed also to refresh his body4 ,and this is not only noted in his diary1 but was very observable to others3 it was very apparent1 not only1 that his mind was exhilarated with inward consolation1 but also that his animal spirits and bodily strength were remarkably restored4,but this was the last time that ever he attended public worship on the sabbath4 ,on ,tuesday morning that week 7,i being absent on a journey7 he prayed with my family3 but not without much difficulty2 and this was the last family prayer that ever he made4 ,he had been wont1 till now1 frequently to ride out1 two or three miles2 but this week1 on ,thursday1 was the last time he ever did so4 ,lord's-day1 ,august #bc4 ,this morning ,i was considerably refreshed with the thought1 yea1 the expectation of the enlargement of ,christ's kingdom2 and ,i could not but hope1 the time was at hand1 when ,babylon the ,great would fall1 and rise no more4 ,i was unable to attend public worship3 but ,god was pleased to afford me satisfaction in divine thoughts4 ,nothing so refreshes my soul1 as when ,i can go to ,god1 yea1 to ,god my exceeding joy4 99,in this week past1 ,i had divers turns of inward refreshing1 though my body was inexpressibly weak4 ,sometimes my soul centered in ,god1 as my only portion2 and ,i felt that ,i should be for ever unhappy1 if he did not reign3 ,i saw the sweetness and happiness of being his subject1 at his disposal4 ,this made all my difficulties quickly vanish4 ,till this week he had been wont to lodge in a room above stairs2 but he now grew so weak1 that he was no longer able to go up stairs and down4 ,friday1 ,august #bh1 was the last time he ever went above stairs1 henceforward he betook himself to a lower room4 ,on ,wednesday1 ,september #b4 ,being the day of our public lecture1 he seemed to be refreshed with seeing the neighbouring ministers1 and expressed a great desire once more to go to the house of ,god3 and accordingly rode to the meeting1 and attended divine service1 while the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,woodbridge of ,hatfield preached4 ,he signified that he supposed it to be the last time that ever he should attend the public worship1 as it proved4 ,and indeed it was the last time that ever he went out at our gate alive4 ,on the ,saturday evening next following1 he was unexpectedly visited by his brother ,mr4 ,john ,brainerd4 ,he was much refreshed by this unexpected visit1 this brother being peculiarly dear to him3 and he seemed to rejoice in a devout manner1 to see him1 and to hear the comfortable tidings he brought concerning the state of his dear ,indians3 and a circumstance of this visit1 that he was exceeding glad of1 was1 that his brother brought him some of his private writings from ,new-,jersey1 and particularly his diary that he had kept for many years past4 ,lord's-day1 ,september #f4 ,i began to read some of my private writings1 which my brother brought me2 and was considerably refreshed with what ,i met with in them4 ,monday1 ,september #g4 ,i proceeded further in reading my old private writings1 and found they had the same effect upon me as before3 ,i could not but rejoice and bless ,god for what passed long ago1 which without writing had been entirely lost4 99,this evening when ,i was in great distress of body1 my soul longed that ,god should be glorified3 ,i saw there was no heaven but this4 ,i could not but speak to the by-standers then of the only happiness1 viz4 pleasing ,god4 ,oh that ,i could ever live to ,god6 ,the day1 ,i trust1 is at hand1 the perfect day3 ,oh1 the day of deliverance from all sin6 ,lord's-day1 ,september #ac4 ,i was much refreshed and engaged in meditation and writing1 and found a heart to act for ,god4 ,my spirits were refreshed1 and my soul delighted to do something for ,god4 ,on the evening following that ,lord's-day1 his feet began to swell1 which thenceforward swelled more and more4 ,a symptom of his dissolution coming on4 ,the next day his brother left him1 being obliged to return to ,new-,jersey on some business of great importance1 intending to return again with all possible speed1 hoping to see his brother yet once more in the land of the living4 ,mr4 ,brainerd having now with much deliberation considered the important affair before-mentioned1 left with him by the honourable commissioners in ,boston1 viz4 the recommending two persons proper to be employed as missionaries to the six nations1 he about this time wrote a letter1 recommending two young gentlemen of his acquaintance ,mr4 ,elihu ,spencer of ,east-,haddam1 and ,mr4 ,job ,strong of ,northampton4 ,the commissioners on the receipt of this letter1 unanimously agreed to accept of the persons he had recommended4 ,he also this week1 wrote a letter to a gentleman in ,boston1 relating to the growth of the ,indian school1 and the need of another school-master4 ,the gentlemen1 on the receipt of this letter1 had a meeting1 and agreed with chearfulness to give #bjjl4 7in bills of the old tenor7 for the support of another school-master2 and desired the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,pemberton of ,new-,york1 as soon as possible to procure a suitable person for that service3 and also agreed to allow #gel4 to defray some special charges that were requisite to encourage the mission to the six ,nations4 ,mr4 ,brainerd spent himself much in writing those letters1 being exceeding weak3 but it seemed to be much to his satisfaction1 that he had been enabled to do it2 hoping that it was something done for ,god1 and which might be for the advancement of ,christ's kingdom and glory4 ,in writing the last of these letters1 he was obliged to use the hand of another1 not being able to write himself4 ,on the ,thursday of this week 7,september #ag47 was the last time that ever he went out of his lodging-room4 ,that day1 he was again visited by his brother ,israel1 who continued with him thenceforward till his death4 99,on that evening he was taken with something of a diarrhea2 which he looked upon as another sign of his approaching death3 whereupon he expressed himself thus2 8,oh1 the glorious time is now coming6 ,i have longed to serve ,god perfectly3 now ,god will gratify those desires60 ,and from time to time1 at the several new symptoms of his dissolution1 he was so far from being damped1 that he seemed to be animated2 as being glad at the appearances of death's approach4 ,he often used the epithet1 glorious1 when speaking of the day of his death1 calling it that glorious day4 ,and as he saw his dissolution gradually approaching1 he was much in talking about it1 and also settling all his affairs1 very particularly and minutely giving directions concerning what he would have done4 ,and the nearer death approached1 the more desirous he seemed to be of it4 ,he several times spake of the different kinds of willingness to die2 and spoke of it as a mean kind of willingness to die1 to be willing to leave the body only to get rid of pain4 99,saturday1 ,september #ai4 ,while ,i attempted to walk a little1 my thoughts turned thus2 8,how infinitely sweet it is1 to love ,god1 and be all for him60 ,upon which it was suggested to me1 8,you are not an angel1 lively and active40 ,to which my soul immediately replied1 ,i as sincerely desire to love and glorify ,god1 as any angel in heaven40 ,upon which it was suggested again1 8,but you are filthy1 and not fit for heaven40 ,hereupon instantly appeared the blessed robes of ,christ's righteousness1 which ,i could not but exult and triumph in2 and ,i viewed the infinite excellency of ,god1 and my soul even broke out with longings1 that ,god should be glorified4 ,i thought of dignity in heaven3 but instantly the thought returned1 8,i do not go to heaven to get honour1 but to give all possible glory and praise40 ,oh1 how ,i longed that ,god should be glorified on earth also6 ,bodily pains ,i cared not for3 though ,i was then in extremity1 ,i never felt easier2 ,i felt willing to glorify ,god in that state1 as long as he pleased4 ,the grave appeared really sweet1 and ,i longed to lodge my weary bones in it3 but ,oh1 that ,god might be glorified6 this was the burden of all my cry4 ,oh1 ,i knew1 ,i should be active as an angel1 in heaven2 and that ,i should be stripped of my filthy garments6,but ,oh1 to love and praise ,god more1 to please him for ever6 this my soul panted after1 and even now pants for while ,i write4 ,oh that ,god might be glorified in the whole earth6 8,lord1 let thy kingdom come40 ,i longed for a spirit of preaching to descend and rest on ministers1 that they might address the consciences of men with closeness and power4 ,i saw ,god1 had the residue of the spirit2 and my soul longed it should be 8poured from on high40 ,i could not but plead with ,god for my dear congregation1 that he would preserve it1 and not suffer his great name to lose its glory in that work2 my soul still longing1 that ,god might be glorified4 8possibly0 replaced with 8possible0 per ,errata 99,in the evening1 his mouth spake out of the abundance of his heart1 expressing in a very affecting manner much the same things as are written in his diary3 and among many other extraordinary expressions1 were these2 8,my heaven is to please ,god1 and glorify him1 and to give all to him1 and to be wholly devoted to his glory2 that is the heaven ,i long for2 this is my religion1 and that is my happiness1 and always was1 ever since ,i had any true religion2 and all those that are of that religion shall meet me in heaven,i do not go to heaven to be advanced1 but to give honour to ,god4 ,it is no matter where ,i shall be stationed in heaven1 whether ,i have a high or a low seat there2 but to love1 and please1 and glorify ,god is all3 had ,i a thousand souls1 if they were worth any thing1 ,i would give them all to ,god2 but ,i have nothing to give1 when all is done4,it is impossible for any rational creature to be happy without acting all for ,god2 ,god himself could not make him happy any other way4,i long to be in heaven1 praising and glorifying ,god with the holy angels3 all my desire is to glorify ,god4,my heart goes out to the burying-place2 it seems to me a desirable place2 but ,oh to glorify ,god6 that is it2 that is above all4,it is a great comfort to me1 to think that ,i have done a little for ,god in the world3 ,oh6 it is but a very small matter2 yet ,i have done a little1 and ,i lament it1 that ,i have done no more for him4,there is nothing in the world worth living for1 but doing good and finishing ,god's work4 ,i see nothing else in the world1 that can yield any satisfaction1 besides living to ,god1 pleasing him1 and doing his whole will4,my greatest joy and comfort has been1 to do something for promoting the interest of religion1 and the souls of particular persons3 and now1 in my illness1 while ,i am full of pain and distress from day to day1 all the comfort ,i have1 is in being able to do some little char 7or small piece of work7 for ,god2 either by something that ,i say1 or by writing1 or some other way40 ,he intermingled with these and other like expressions1 many pathetic counsels to those that were about him2 particularly to my children and servants4 ,he applied himself to some of my younger children at this time2 calling them to him1 and speaking to them one by one2 setting before them in a very plain manner1 the nature of true piety1 and its great importance2 earnestly warning them not to rest in any thing short of that true and thorough change of heart1 and a life devoted to ,god2 counselling them not to be slack in the great business of religion1 nor in the least to delay it2 enforcing his counsels with this1 that his words were the words of a dying man2 said he1 8,i shall die here1 and here shall ,i be buried1 and here you will see my grave1 and do you remember what ,i have said to you4 ,i am going into eternity3 the endlessness of it makes it sweet3 but ,oh1 what shall ,i say to the eternity of the wicked6 ,i cannot mention it1 nor think of it2 the thought is too dreadful4 ,when you see my grave1 then remember what ,i said to you when ,i was alive2 then think with yourself how the man that lies in that grave1 counselled and warned me to prepare for death40 ,his body seemed to be marvelously strengthened1 through the inward vigour of his mind2 so that1 although before he was so weak he could hardly utter a sentence1 yet now he continued his most affecting discourse for more than an hour1 with scarce any intermission2 and said of it1 when he had done1 8it was the last sermon that ever he should preach40 ,it appears by what is noted in his diary1 both of this day and the evening preceeding1 that his mind was at this time much impressed with a sense of the importance of the work of the ministry1 and the need of the grace of ,god1 and his special assistance in this work2 and it also appeared in what he expressed in conversation2 particularly in his discourse to his brother ,israel1 who was then a member of ,yale-college at ,new-,haven1 and had been prosecuting his studies there1 to the end that he might be fitted for the work of the ministry1 and was now with him4 ,he now1 and from time to time1 recommended to his brother a life of self-denial1 of weanedness from the world1 and devotedness to ,god1 and an earnest endeavour to obtain much of the grace of ,god's ,spirit1 and ,god's gracious influences on his heart2 representing the great need which ministers stand in of them1 and the unspeakable benefit of them from his own experience4 ,among many other expressions he said1 998,when ministers feel these gracious influences on their hearts1 it wonderfully assists them to come at the consciences of men1 and as it were to handle them with their hands2 whereas1 without them1 whatever reason and oratory we make use of1 we do but make use of stumps instead of hands40 ,monday1 ,september #ba4 ,i began to correct a little volume of my private writings3 ,god1 ,i believe1 remarkably helped me in it3 my strength was surprisingly lengthened out1 my thoughts quick and lively1 and my soul refreshed1 hoping it might be a work for ,god4 ,oh1 how good1 how sweet it is to labour for ,god6 8suprisingly0 replaced with 8surprisingly0 ,tuesday1 ,september #bb4 ,i was again employed in reading and correcting1 and had the same success1 as the day before4 ,i was exceeding weak2 but it seemed to refresh my soul thus to spend my time4 ,wednesday1 ,september #bc4 ,i finished my corrections of the little piece forementioned1 and felt uncommonly peaceful3 it seemed as if ,i had now done all my work in this world1 and stood ready for my call to a better4 99,as long as ,i see any thing to be done for ,god1 life is worth having3 but ,oh1 how vain and unworthy it is1 to live for any lower end6 ,friday1 ,september #be4 ,this day ,i was unspeakably weak1 and little better than speechless all the day3 however1 ,i was able to write a little1 and felt comfortably4 ,oh1 it refreshed my soul1 to think of former things1 of desires to glorify ,god1 of the pleasures of living to him6 8,oh my dear ,god1 ,i am speedily coming to thee1 ,i hope6 ,hasten the day1 ,o ,lord1 if it be thy blessed will3 ,oh come1 ,lord ,jesus1 come quickly4 ,amen40 ,this was the last that ever he wrote in his diary with his own hand3 though it is continued a little farther1 in a broken manner2 written by his brother ,israel1 but indited by his mouth4 ,september #bg4 ,he felt an unusual appetite to food2 with which his mind seemed to be exhilarated1 as a sign of the very near approach of death4 ,he said upon it1 8,i was born on a sabbath-day2 and ,i have reason to think ,i was new-born on a sabbath-day2 and ,i hope ,i shall die on this sabbath-day2 ,i shall look upon it as a favour1 if it may be the will of ,god that it should be so3 ,i long for the time4 ,oh1 why is the chariot so long in coming8 why tarry the wheels of his chariot8 ,i am very willing to part with all3 ,i am willing to part with my dear brother ,john1 and never to see him again1 to go to be for ever with the ,lord4 ,oh1 when ,i go there1 how will ,god's dear church on earth be upon my mind60 99,afterwards the same morning1 being asked how he did8 he answered1 8,i am almost in eternity3 ,i long to be there4 ,my work is done3 ,i have done with all my friends2 all the world is nothing to me4 ,i long to be in heaven1 praising and glorifying ,god with the holy angels3 all my desire is to glorify ,god40 ,during the whole of these last two weeks of his life1 he seemed to continue loose from all the world1 as having done his work1 and done with all things here below1 having nothing to do but to die1 and abiding in an earnest desire and expectation of the happy moment1 when his soul should take its flight1 and go to a state of perfection1 of holiness1 and perfect glorying and enjoying ,god4 ,he said1 8,that the consideration of the day of death1 and the day of judgment1 had a long time been peculiarly sweet to him40 ,he from time to time spake of his being willing to leave the body and the world immediately1 if it was the will of ,god4 ,he also was much in expressing his longing that the church of ,christ on earth might flourish1 and ,christ's kingdom here might be advanced1 notwithstanding he was about to leave the earth1 and should not with his eyes behold the desirable event4 ,he said to me1 one morning1 8,my thoughts have been employed on the old dear theme1 the prosperity of ,god's church on earth4 ,as ,i waked out of sleep1 ,i was led to cry for the pouring out of ,god's ,spirit1 and the advancement of ,christ's kingdom1 which the dear ,redeemer did1 and suffered so much for4 ,it is that especially makes me long for it40 ,he once told me1 that 8he had formerly longed for the out-pouring of the ,spirit of ,god1 and the glorious times of the church1 and hoped they were coming3 and should have been willing to have lived to promote religion at that time1 if that had been the will of ,god3 but 7says he7 ,i am willing it should be as it is3 ,i would not have the choice to make for myself1 for ten thousand worlds40 ,he expressed on his death-bed a full persuasion that he should in heaven see the prosperity of the church on earth1 and should rejoice with ,christ therein2 and the consideration of it seemed to be highly pleasing to his mind4 ,he also still dwelt much on the great importance of the work of ministers2 and expressed his longings1 that they might be filled with the ,spirit of ,god2 and manifested much desire to see some of the neighbouring ministers1 whom he had some acquaintance with1 that he might converse freely with them on that subject before he died4 ,and it so happened1 that he had opportunity with some of them1 according to his desire4 ,another thing that lay much on his heart1 and that he spake of1 from time to time1 in these near approaches of death1 was the spiritual prosperity of his own congregation3 and when he spake of them1 it was with peculiar tenderness1 so that his speech would be presently interrupted and drowned with tears4 99,he also expressed much satisfaction in the disposals of ,providence1 with regard to the circumstances of his death2 particularly that ,god had before his death given him the opportunity he had in ,boston1 with so many considerable persons1 ministers1 and others1 to give in his testimony for ,god1 and against false religion2 and there to lay before charitable gentlemen1 the state of the ,indians1 to so good effect2 and that ,god had since given him an opportunity to write to them farther concerning these affairs2 and to write other letters of importance1 that he hoped might be of good influence with regard to the state of religion among the ,indians1 and elsewhere1 after his death4 ,he also mentioned it as what he accounted a merciful circumstance of his death1 that he should die here4 ,and speaking of these things1 he said1 8,god had granted him all his desire20 and signified1 that now he could with the greater alacrity leave the world4 ,monday1 ,september #bh4 ,i was able to read1 and make some few corrections in my private writings2 but found ,i could not write as ,i had done2 ,i found myself sensibly declining in all respects4 ,it has been only from a little while before noon1 till about one or two o'clock1 that ,i have been able to do any thing for some time past3 yet this refreshed my heart1 that ,i could do any thing1 either public or private for ,god4 ,this evening1 he was supposed to be dying3 he thought so himself1 and was thought so by those who were about him4 ,he seemed glad at the appearance of death4 ,he was almost speechless1 but his lips appeared to move3 and one that sat very near him1 heard him utter1 8,come1 ,lord ,jesus1 come quickly4,oh1 why is his chariot so long in coming60,after he revived1 he blamed himself for having been too eager to be gone4 99,and in expressing what he found in his mind at that time1 he said1 he then found an inexpressibly sweet love to those that he looked upon as belonging to ,christ1 beyond all that ever he felt before2 so that it 8seemed 7to use his own words7 like a little piece of heaven to have one of them near him40 ,and being asked1 whether he heard the prayer that was 7at his desire7 made with him2 he said1 8,yes1 he heard every word1 and had an uncommon sense of the things that were uttered in that prayer1 and that every word reached his heart40 ,on the evening of ,tuesday1 ,september #bi1 as he lay in his bed1 his mind seemed greatly engaged concerning the prosperity of ,zion3 there being present at that time two candidates for the ministry1 he desired us all to unite in singing a psalm on that subject1 even ,zion's prosperity4 ,and on his desire we sung a part of the #ajb;d ,psalm4 ,this seemed much to refresh him1 and gave him new strength2 so that1 though before he could scarce speak at all1 now he proceeded1 with some freedom of speech1 to give his dying counsels to those two young gentlemen1 relating to the great work of the ministry they were designed for4 ,in particular1 he earnestly recommended to them frequent secret fasting and prayer3 and enforced his counsel with regard to this1 from his own experience of the great comfort and benefit of it2 which 7said he7 ,i should not mention1 were it not that ,i am a dying person4 ,and after he had finished his counsel1 he made a prayer1 in the audience of us all2 wherein1 besides praying for his family1 for his brethren1 and those candidates for the ministry1 and for his own congregation1 he earnestly prayed for the reviving and flourishing of religion in the world4 ,till now1 he had every day sat up part of the day2 but after this he never rose from his bed4 ,wednesday1 ,september #cj4 ,i was obliged to keep my bed the whole day1 through weakness4 ,however ,i redeemed a little time1 and with the help of my brother1 read and corrected about a dozen pages in my ,m4 ,s4 giving an account of my conversion4 ,friday1 ,october #b4 ,my soul was this day1 at turns1 sweetly set on ,god3 ,i longed to be with him1 that ,i might behold his glory3 ,i felt sweetly disposed to commit all to him1 even my dearest friends2 my dearest flock1 and my absent brother1 and all my concerns for time and eternity4 ,oh that his kingdom might come into the world2 that they might all love and glorify him2 and that the blessed ,redeemer might 8see of the travail of his soul1 and be satisfied6 ,oh1 come1 ,lord ,jesus1 come quickly6 ,amen40 ,here ends his diary3 these are the last words1 that are written in it1 either by his own hand1 or from his mouth4 ,the next evening we much expected his brother ,john from ,new-,jersey2 it being about a week after the time that he proposed for his return4 ,and though our expectations were still disappointed2 yet ,mr4 ,brainerd seemed to continue unmoved1 in the same calm frame1 that he had before manifested2 as having resigned all to ,god1 and having done with his friends1 and with all things here below4 99,on the morning of the next day1 being ,lord's-day1 ,october #d1 as my daughter ,jerusha 7who chiefly tended him7 came into the room1 he looked on her very pleasantly1 and said1 8,dear ,jerusha1 are you willing to part with me8,i am quite willing to part with you2 ,i am willing to part with all my friends3 ,i am willing to part with my dear brother ,john1 although ,i love him the best of any creature living2 ,i have committed him and all my friends to ,god1 and can leave them with ,god4 ,though1 if ,i thought ,i should not see you1 and be happy with you in another world ,i could not bear to part with you4 ,but we shall spend an happy eternity together60 ,in the evening1 as one came into the room with a bible in her hand1 he said1 8,oh1 that dear book6 that lovely book6 ,i shall soon see it opened6 the mysteries that are in it1 and the mysteries of ,god's providence1 will be all unfolded60 ,since this1 it has pleased ,god to take away this my dear child1 on the #adth of ,february next following1 after a short illness of five days1 in the eighteenth year of her age4 ,she was a person of much the same spirit with ,mr4 ,brainerd4 ,she had constantly taken care of1 and attended him in his sickness1 for nineteen weeks before his death1 devoting herself to it with great delight1 because she looked on him as an eminent servant of ,jesus ,christ4 ,in this time1 he had much conversation with her on things of religion2 and in his dying state1 often expressed to us1 her parents1 his great satisfaction concerning her true piety1 and his confidence that he should meet her in heaven2 and his high opinion of her1 not only as a true ,christian1 but a very eminent saint2 one whose soul was uncommonly fed and entertained with things that appertain to the most spiritual parts of religion2 and one who1 by the temper of her mind1 was fitted to deny herself for ,god1 and to do good beyond any young woman that he knew of4 ,she had manifested a heart uncommonly devoted to ,god1 in the course of her life1 many years before her death2 and said on her death-bed1 that 8she had not seen one minute for several years1 wherein she desired to live one minute longer1 for the sake of any other good in life1 but doing good1 living to ,god1 and doing what might be for his glory40 ,his distemper now apparently preyed on his vitals3 not by a sudden breaking of ulcers in his lungs1 as at ,boston1 but by a constant discharge of purulent matter1 in great quantities2 so that what he brought up by expectoration1 seemed to be as it were mouthfuls of almost clear pus2 which was attended with very great inward pain and distress4 8petulent0 replaced with 8purulent0 per ,errata ,on ,thursday1 ,october #f1 he lay for a considerable time1 as if he was dying4 ,at which time1 he was heard to utter in broken whispers1 such expressions as these2 8,he will come1 he will not tarry4,i shall soon be in glory4,i shall soon glorify ,god with the angels40,but after some time he revived4 ,the next day1 viz4 ,wednesday1 ,october #g1 his brother ,john arrived from ,new-,jersey1 where he had been detained much longer than he intended1 by a mortal sickness prevailing among the ,christian ,indians4 ,mr4 ,brainerd was refreshed with seeing him1 and appeared fully satisfied with the reasons of his delay2 seeing the interest of religion and of the souls of his people required it4 ,the next day1 ,thursday1 ,october #h4 ,he told me it was impossible for anyone to conceive the distress he felt in his breast4 ,he manifested much concern lest he should dishonour ,god by impatience4 ,he desired that others would be much in lifting up their hearts to ,god for him4 ,he signified1 that he expected to die that night2 but seemed to fear a longer delay3 and the disposition of his mind with regard to death appeared still the same that it had been all along4 ,and notwithstanding his bodily agonies1 yet the interest of ,zion lay still with great weight on his mind2 as appeared by some considerable discourse he had that evening with the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,billing1 one of the neighbouring ,ministers1 concerning the great importance of the work of the ministry4 ,and afterwards1 when it was very late in the night1 he had much discourse with his brother ,john1 concerning his congregation in ,new-,jersey1 and the interest of religion among the ,indians4 ,in the latter part of the night1 his bodily distresses seemed to rise to a greater height than ever2 and he said to those then about him1 that 8it was another thing to die than what people imagined20 explaining himself to mean1 that they were not aware what bodily pain and anguish is undergone before death4 ,towards day1 his eyes fixed2 and he continued lying immoveable1 till about six o'clock in the morning1 and then expired1 on ,friday1 ,october #i1 #agdg1 when his soul was received by his dear ,lord and ,master1 as an eminently faithful servant1 into a state of perfection of holiness1 and fruition of ,god1 which he had so often and so ardently longed for4 ,much respect was shewn to his memory at his funeral2 which was on the ,monday following1 after a sermon preached the same day1 on that solemn occasion4 ,his funeral was attended by eight of the neighbouring ministers1 seventeen other gentlemen of liberal education1 and a great concourse of people4 ,the ,end of the ,twelfth ,volume4 ,,errata1 ,volume ,,xii4 ,page #ai1 line #b1 delete of ,page #ai1 line #ag1 replace sicknesses ,page #bj1 line #ac1 replace glorious ,page #be1 line #aj1 replace closing eyes ,page #ec1 line #ai1 replace tin ,page #ajf1 line #c1 replace conformed ,page #aab1 line #ba1 replace it was not ,page #adb1 line #ai1 replace goodness ,page #add1 line #ac1 replace ,james iii4 could not identify how to apply to text ,page #ahh1 line #ac1 replace keep awake ,page #aij1 line #ai1 replace ,i came to the ,page #bjd1 line #ae1 replace was not ,page #bjd1 line ultima1 replace of this ,page #bbf1 line ultima1 replace year past ,page #bde1 line antepenult1 replace 4 ,after ,page #bfd1 line #g1 replace affected ,page #bfi1 line #bj1 replace 99,thursday ,page #bhd1 line #ah1 replace evening-school ,page #bhf1 line #a1 replace well grounded ,page #bib1 line #ba1 replace continuance ,page #bii1 line #ba1 replace one of ,page #caa1 line #ab1 replace ,i was and delete was ,page #cdj1 line #aj1 replace possible ,page #ceb1 line #aj1 replace purulent4