,,the ,,disciple ,,the ,,disciple ,,by ,,paul ,,bourget ,,new ,,york ,,charles ,,scribner',s ,,sons #aija ,,copyright1 #aija1 ,,by ,,charles ,,scribner',s ,,sons ,norwood ,press3 ,berwick ,smith1 ,norwood1 ,mass41 ,u4,s4,a4 ,,contents ,,page ,i4 ,a ,,modern ,,philosopher #ac ,,ii4 ,,the ,,greslon ,,affair #dc ,,iii4 ,,simple ,,grief #fe ,,iv4 ,,confession ,,of ,a ,,young ,,man ,,of ,,the ,,period #ij ,i4 ,my ,heredities #id ,,ii4 ,the ,medium ,of ,ideas #abj ,,iii4 ,transplantation #add ,,iv4 ,the ,first ,crisis #agi ,v4 ,the ,second ,crisis #bcj ,,vi4 ,the ,third ,crisis #bee ,,vii4 ,conclusion #bhi ,v4 ,,torment ,,of ,,ideas #bid ,,vi4 ,,count ,,andr #cag ,,to ,a ,,young ,,man ,i ,,dedicate this book to you1 my young countryman1 with whom ,i am so well acquainted1 although ,i may not know your place of birth1 your name1 your parents1 your fortune or your ambitions--nothing but that you are over eighteen and under twenty-five years of age1 and that you will search in our books for the answers to the questions which are troubling you4 ,and the answers which you will find depend a little upon your moral life1 a little upon your own soul1 for your moral life is the moral life of ,france itself--your soul is her soul4 ,in twenty years from now you and your brothers will hold in your hands the destiny of this ancient country1 which is our common mother--you will be the nation itself4 ,what will you have learned from our teachings8 ,no man of letters1 however insignificant he may be1 but should tremble at the responsibility4 ,you will find in 8,the ,disciple0 the study of one of these responsibilities4 ,may you find here a proof that the friend who writes these lines has the merit1 if he possesses no other1 of believing profoundly in the seriousness of his art4 ,may you also find that he thinks of you with great concern4 ,yes1 he has thought of you ever since the days when you were learning to read1 when we who are now approaching our fortieth year were scribbling our first verses to the noise of the cannon which roared over ,paris4 ,we1 in our study chambers1 were not gay at that period4 ,the oldest of us had just gone to the war1 and those of us who were obliged to remain at college already felt the duty of our country's rehabilitation press heavily upon us4 ,we often thought of you in that fatal year1 #ahga4 ,o6 young ,frenchmen of to-day--all of us who were intending to devote ourselves to literature1 my friends and ,i1 repeated the beautiful verses of ,theodore de ,banville3 ,ye in whom ,i hail the light4 ,all ye who will love me1 ,o young men of the coming fight1 ,o holy battalions6 ,we wished this dawn of light to be as bright as ours had been gloomy and misty with a vapor of blood4 ,we wished to be worthy of your love1 in leaving to you that which we valued more than we valued ourselves4 ,we said that our work was to make of you and for you1 by our public and private acts1 by our words1 by our fervor1 and by our example1 a new ,france1 a ,france redeemed from defeat1 a ,france reconstructed in its external and in its internal life4 ,young as we were then we knew1 because we had learned it from our masters1 and this was their best teaching--that triumphs and defeats from without interpreted the qualities and insufficiencies within2 we knew that the resurrection of ,germany at the beginning of the century had been above all a work of soul1 and we recognized that the soul of ,france had been terribly hurt in #ahgj1 and that it must be helped1 healed and cured4 ,we were not the only ones to comprehend in the generous ingenuousness of our youth that the moral crisis was then as it always is1 the great crisis of this country2 for in #ahgc the most valiant of our leaders1 ,alexandre ,dumas1 said in the preface to 8,la ,femme de ,claude10 addressing the ,frenchmen of his age as ,i am addressing you1 my younger brother3 8,take care1 you are passing through troublous times4 ,you have just paid death and are not through paying for your earlier faults4 ,it is no time to be a wit1 a trifler1 a libertine1 a scoffer1 a skeptic1 or a wanton2 we have had enough of these for a time at least4 ,god1 nature1 work1 marriage1 love1 children1 all these are serious1 very serious things1 and rise up before you4 ,all these must live or you will die04 ,i cannot say of the generation to which ,i belong1 and which kindled the noble hope of reconstructing ,france1 that it has succeeded1 or that it has even been sufficiently devoted to its work4 ,but ,i do know that it has labored1 and labored hard4 ,we have plodded away without much method1 alas6 but with a continuous application which touches me when ,i think how little the men in power have done for us1 how much we have been left to our own resources1 of the indifference felt toward us by those who directed affairs1 and who never once thought to encourage1 support or direct us4 ,ah6 the brave middle class1 the solid and valiant bourgeoisie which ,france still possesses6 ,what laborious officers1 what skillful and tenacious diplomatic agents1 what excellent professors1 what honest artisans has this bourgeoisie furnished for the past twenty years6 ,i sometimes hear3 8,what vitality there is in this country6 ,it has survived where another would have perished40 ,yes1 it lives because this young bourgeoisie has made every sacrifice in order to serve the country4 ,it has seen the masters of a day proscribe its most cherished beliefs in the name of liberty1 chance politicians play universal suffrage as an instrument by which to rule and install their lying mediocrity in the highest places4 ,this universal suffrage has undergone the most monstrous and the most iniquitous of tyrannies2 for the force of numbers is the most brutal of forces1 possessing neither talent nor audacity4 ,the young bourgeoisie has resigned itself to everything1 has accepted everything in order to have the right to do the necessary work4 ,if our soldiers come and go1 if foreign powers hold us in respect1 if our higher education is being developed1 if our arts and our literature continue to assert the national genius1 we owe it to the bourgeoisie4 ,it is true that this generation of young men of the war has no victory for its activity4 ,it could not establish a definite form of government1 or solve the formidable problems of foreign politics and of socialism4 ,however1 young man of to-day1 do not despise it4 ,learn to render justice to your elders4 ,it is through them that ,france has lived6 ,how will she live through you is the question which at the present time troubles all those who have retained their faith in the restoration of ,france4 ,you have not to see the ,prussian cavalry galloping victoriously among the poplars of your native land to sustain you4 ,and of the horrible civil war1 you have only the picturesque ruins of the ,cour des ,comptes1 or the trees putting forth luxuriant vegetation among the scorched stones which lend poetic attraction to the old palaces4 ,we have never been able to conclude that the peace of '#ga has settled everything for all time4 ,how ,i should like to know if you think as we do6 ,how ,i should like to be sure that you are not ready to renounce the secret dream1 the consolatory hope which each one of us had1 even of those of us who never spoke of it6 ,but ,i am sure that you feel sad whenever you pass the ,arc de ,triomphe where others have passed1 even on those beautiful summer evenings in company with the one you love4 ,you would leave her cheerfully to-morrow to go to the front if it should be necessary1 ,i am sure of it4 ,but it is not enough to know how to die4 ,have you resolved to know how to live8 ,when you look at this ,arc de ,triomphe and recall the epoch of the ,grande ,arme1 do you regret that you did not feel the heroic breath of the conscripts of that time8 ,when you recall #ahcj1 and the glorious struggles of ,romanticism1 do you experience nostalgia at not having1 like those of ,hernani1 a great literary standard to defend8 ,do you feel1 when you meet one of the masters of to-day--a ,dumas1 a ,taine1 a ,leconte de ,lisle--that you are in the presence of one of the depositaries of the genius of your race8 ,when you read such books as must be written when it is necessary to depict the criminal passions and their martyrdom1 do you wish to love more wisely than the authors of these books have loved8 ,have you1 my brother1 more of the ,ideal than we have--have you more faith than we have--more hope than we8 ,if you have1 give me your hand and let me thank you4 ,but suppose you have not8 ,there are two types of young men that ,i see before me1 and before you also1 like two forms of temptation1 equally formidable and fatal4 ,one is cynical and usually jovial4 ,he is about twenty years of age1 he appraises life at a discount1 and his religion consists in enjoying himself--which may be translated by success4 ,let him be occupied with politics or business1 with literature or art1 engaged in sport or in industry1 let him be officer1 diplomat or advocate--his only ,god is himself2 he is his only principle1 his only object4 ,he has borrowed from the natural philosophy of the times the great law of vital concurrence1 and he applies it to the advancement of his fortune with an ardor of positivism which makes him a civilized barbarian2 the most dangerous kind4 ,alphonse ,daudet1 who understands so well how to describe him1 has christened him the 8struggle-for-lifer40 ,he respects nothing but success1 and in success nothing but money4 ,he is convinced when he reads this--for he reads what ,i write as he reads everything else1 if only to be in the current--that ,i am laughing at the public in tracing this portrait1 but that ,i myself am like him4 ,for he is so profoundly nihilistic in his manner that the ,ideal appears to him like a comedy1 for example1 when he judges it proper to lie to the people to secure their votes4 ,is not this young man a monster8 ,for one is a monster who is only twenty-five years old and has for a soul a calculating machine in the service of a machine of pleasure4 ,i fear him less1 however1 on your account than ,i do the other one who possesses all the aristocracies of nerves and mind1 and who is an intellectual and refined epicurean as the former is a brutal and scientific one4 ,how dreadful to encounter this dainty nihilist1 and yet how he abounds6 ,at twenty-five he has run the gamut of all ideas4 ,his critical mind1 precociously awake1 has comprehended the final results of the most subtle philosophies of the age4 ,do not speak to him of impiety or of materialism4 ,he knows that the word 8matter0 has no precise meaning1 and beside he is too intelligent not to admit that all religions have been legitimate in their time4 ,only1 he has never believed1 and he never will believe in them1 any more than he will ever believe in anything whatever1 except in the amusing play of his mind which he has transformed into a tool of elegant perversity4 ,the good and the bad1 beauty and deformity1 vices and virtues are to him simply objects of curiosity4 ,the human soul so far as he is concerned is a skillful piece of mechanism in the dissection of which he is interested as a matter of experience4 ,to him nothing is true1 nothing is false1 nothing is moral1 nothing is immoral4 ,he is a subtle and refined egotist whose whole ambition1 as that remarkable analyst1 ,maurice ,barrs1 has said in his beautiful romance of 8,l',homme ,libre0--that chef-d'uvre of irony which lacks only conclusion--consists 8in adoring himself10 and to acquire new sensations4 ,the religious life of humanity is to him only a pretext for these sensations1 as are also the intellectual and the sentimental life4 ,his corruption is otherwise as profound as that of the voluptuous barbarian2 it is differently complicated1 and the fine name of dilettantism with which he adorns it1 conceals its cold ferocity1 its frightful barrenness4 ,ah6 we know this young man too well2 we have all wished to be in his place1 for we have been so charmed by the paradoxes of too eloquent teachers2 we all have been like him at some time4 ,and so ,i have written this book to show you1 who are not yet like him1 you child of twenty years1 whose soul is in process of formation1 what villainy this egoism may conceal4 ,be neither of these young men1 my young friend6 ,be neither the brutal positivist who abuses the world of sense1 nor the disdainful and precocious sophist who abuses the world of thought and feeling4 ,let neither the pride of life nor that of intellect make of you a cynic and a juggler of ideas6 ,in such times of troubled conscience and conflicting doctrines cling as you would to a safe support to ,christ's words3 8,the tree is known by its fruit40 ,there is one reality which you cannot doubt1 for you possess it1 you feel it1 you see it every moment1 it is your own soul4 ,among the thoughts which assail you1 are those which render your soul less capable of loving1 less capable of desire4 ,be sure that these ideas are false to a degree1 however subtle they seem1 adorned as they are with the finest names and sustained by the magic of the most splendid talents4 ,exalt and cultivate these two great virtues1 these two energies1 without which only blight and final agony ensue--,love and ,will4 ,the sincere and modest ,science of to-day recognizes that the realm of the ,unknowable extends beyond the limit of its analysis4 ,the venerable ,littr1 who was a saint1 has magnificently spoken of this ocean of mystery which beats against our shore1 which we see stretching before us1 and for which we have neither bark nor sail4 ,have the courage to respond to those who will tell you that beyond this ocean is emptiness1 an abyss of darkness and death2 8,you do not know that40 ,and since you know1 since you feel that there is a soul within you1 labor to keep it alive lest it die before you4 ,i assure you1 my boy1 ,france has need that you should think thus1 and may this book help you so to think4 ,do not look here for allusions to recent events1 for you will not find them4 ,the plan was marked out and a part of the book written before two tragedies1 the one ,french1 the other ,european1 occurred1 to attest that the same trouble of ideas and of sentiments agitates both high and humble destinies at the present time4 ,do me the honor to believe that ,i have not speculated on the dramas in which too many persons have suffered1 and still suffer4 ,the moralist1 whose business it is to seek for causes1 sometimes encounters analogies of situation which attest that they have seen correctly4 ,they would rather have been deceived4 ,i1 myself1 for example1 would wish that there never had been in real life a person like the unfortunate ,disciple who gives name to this romance6 ,but if there had not been1 if none existed1 ,i should not have said what ,i am going to say to you1 my young countryman1 you to whom ,i wish to be a benefactor1 you by whom ,i so earnestly wish to be loved--and to be worthy of your love4 ,,paul ,,bourget4 ,paris1 ,june #e1 #ahhi4 ,,the ,,disciple ,i4 ,a ,,modern ,,philosopher4 ,,there is a story that has never been denied to the effect that the bourgeois of the city of ,knigsberg supposed that some prodigious event was disturbing the civilized world simply because the philosopher ,emanuel ,kant changed the direction of his daily walk4 ,the celebrated author of the 8,critique of ,pure ,reason0 had that day learned of the breaking out of the ,french ,revolution4 ,although ,paris1 may not be very favorable to such nave wonders1 a number of the inhabitants of the ,rue ,guy de la ,brosse experienced an astonishment almost as great one afternoon in ,january1 #ahhg1 when they saw go out1 toward one o'clock1 a philosopher1 who if less illustrious than the venerable ,kant1 was as regular and as peculiar in his habits1 not to mention that he was even more destructive in his analysis4 ,it was ,m4 ,adrien ,sixte1 whom the ,english call the ,french ,spencer4 ,this ,rue ,guy de la ,brosse1 which leads from the ,rue de ,jussieu to the ,rue ,linn1 forms part of a veritable little province bounded by the ,jardin des ,plantes1 the ,hopital de la ,piti1 the wine warehouse and the first rise of ,sainte-,genevive4 ,that is to say1 that it permits those familiar inquisitions of glance impossible in the larger districts where the come-and-go of existence ceaselessly renews the tide of carriages and of people4 ,only persons of small incomes live here1 modest professors1 employees of the museum1 students who wish to study1 all young literary people who dread the temptations of the ,latin ,quarter4 ,the shops are patronized by this clientele1 which is as regular as that of a suburb4 ,the butcher1 the baker1 the grocer1 the washerwoman1 the apothecary1 are all spoken of in the singular by the domestics who make the purchases4 ,there is little room for competition in this square1 which is ornamented by a fountain capriciously encumbered with figures of animals in honor of the ,jardin des ,plantes4 ,visitors to the garden seldom enter by the gate1 which is opposite the hospital2 so that even on fine spring days when crowds of people gather under the trees of the park1 which is a favorite resort of the military and of nursemaids1 the ,rue ,linn is as quiet as usual1 and so also are the adjacent streets4 ,if occasionally there is an unusual flow of people into this corner of ,paris1 it is when the doors of the hospital are opened to visitors1 and then a line of sad and humble figures stretches along the sidewalks4 ,these pilgrims of poverty come furnished with dainties for their friends who are suffering behind the gray old walls of the hospital1 and the inhabitants of ground-floors1 lodges1 and shops are not interested in them4 ,they hardly notice these sporadic promenaders1 and their entire attention is reserved for the persons who go by every day at the same hour4 ,there are for shopkeepers and concierges1 as for sportsmen in the country1 unfailing indications of the time and of the weather1 that there will be in this quarter1 where resound the savage calls of some beast in the neighboring menagerie2 of an ara that cries1 and elephant that trumpets1 an eagle that screams1 or a tiger that mews4 ,when they see the free professor jogging along with his old green leather case under his arm1 nibbling at a penny bun which he has bought on his way1 these spies know that it is about to strike eight4 ,when the restaurant boy passes with his covered dishes they know that it is eleven o'clock1 that the retired captain of battalion is soon to have his breakfast1 and thus in succession for every hour of the day4 ,a change in the toilette of the women who here display their finery1 is noted and critically interpreted by twenty babbling and not overindulgent tongues4 ,in fine1 to use a very picturesque expression common in central ,france1 the most trifling movements of the frequenters of these four or five streets are at the end of the tongues1 and those of ,m4 ,adrien ,sixte even more than those of many others4 ,this will be readily understood by a simple sketch of the person4 ,and beside1 the details of the life led by this man will furnish to students of human nature an authentic document upon a rare species--that of philosopher by profession4 ,some examples have been given to us by the ancients1 and more recently by ,colerus1 in reference to ,spinoza1 and by ,darwin and ,john ,stuart ,mill in reference to themselves4 ,but ,spinoza was a ,hollander of the eighteenth century1 ,darwin and ,mill grew up among the wealthy and active ,english middle class1 whereas ,m4 ,sixte lived in the heart of ,paris at the end of the nineteenth century4 ,in my youth1 when studies of this kind interested me1 ,i knew several individuals just as entirely given up to abstract speculations4 ,i have1 however1 never met one who has made me comprehend so well the existence of a ,descartes--in his little room in the depth of the ,netherlands1 or that of the thinker of the ,ethics1 who1 as we know1 had no other distraction from his reveries than smoking a pipe and fighting spiders4 ,it was fourteen years after the war when ,m4 ,sixte came to live in the ,rue ,guy de la ,brosse1 where every denizen knows him to-day4 ,he was at that time a man thirty-four years of age1 in whom all physiognomy of youth had been destroyed by the absorption of his mind in ideas1 so that his smoothly-shaven face indicated neither age nor profession4 ,some physicians1 some priests1 and some actors offer to our regard1 for different reasons1 faces at once cold1 smooth1 intent and inexpressive4 ,a forehead high and tapering1 a mouth prominent and obstinate1 with thin lips1 a bilious complexion1 eyes affected by too much reading and hidden behind dark spectacles1 a slim1 big boned body1 always clothed in a shaggy cloth overcoat in winter1 and in some thin material in summer4 ,his shoes tied with strings1 his hair long and prematurely gray and very fine1 under one of those hats called gibus1 which fold up mechanically--such was the appearance presented by this savant1 whose every action was as scrupulously regulated as those of an ecclesiastic4 ,he occupied an apartment at a rent of seven hundred francs on the fourth floor1 which consisted of a bedroom1 a study1 a dining-room about as large as the cabin of a wherry1 a kitchen and a servant's room1 the whole commanding a very extensive view4 ,the philosopher could see from his windows the ,jardin des ,plantes with the hills of ,pre-la-,chaise in the distance2 beyond1 to the left1 a kind of hollow which marked the course of the ,seine4 ,the ,orlans station and the dome of ,la ,salptrire rose directly in front2 and1 to the right1 the mass of cedars looked black against the green or bare trees of the labyrinth4 ,the smoke of factories wreathed upward on a clear or gray sky from every corner of the wide landscape1 from which arose a sound like the roar of a distant ocean1 broken by the whistlings of steam engines4 ,in choosing this ,thebais1 ,m4 ,sixte had no doubt yielded to a general though inexplicable law of meditative nature4 ,are not nearly all cloisters built in places which permit an extended view8 ,perhaps these unlimited and confused prospects favor concentration of the mind1 which might otherwise be distracted by details too near and circumstantial8 ,perhaps recluses find the pleasure of contrast between their dreamy inaction and the breadth of the field in which the activity of other men is developed8 ,whatever may be the solution of this little problem so closely related to another which is too little studied1 namely1 the animal sensibility of intellectual men--it is certain that the melancholy landscape had1 for fifteen years1 been the companion with whom the quiet worker had most frequently conversed4 ,his house was kept by one of those servants who are the ideals of all old bachelors1 who never suspect that the perfection of certain services implies a corresponding regularity of existence on the part of the master4 ,on his arrival1 the philosopher had simply asked the concierge to find some one to keep his rooms in order1 and to recommend a restaurant from which he could order his meals4 ,by this request he risked obtaining a service decidedly bad and a very uncertain sort of nourishment4 ,it resulted1 however1 in unexpectedly introducing into the home of ,adrien ,sixte precisely the person who realized his most chimerical wishes1 if an extractor of quintessences1 as ,rabelais calls this sort of dreamer1 still preserves the leisure to form wishes4 ,this concierge--according to the use and custom of all such functionaries in small apartment houses--increased the revenue of his lodgings by working at a trade4 ,he was a shoemaker1 8in new and old10 as a placard read which was pasted on a window toward the street4 ,among his customers1 old man ,carbonnet--this was his name--counted a priest who lived in the ,rue ,cuvier4 ,this aged priest had a servant1 ,mlle4 ,mariette ,trapenard1 a woman nearly forty years old1 who had been accustomed for some years to rule in her master's house while still remaining a true peasant woman1 with no ambition to play the lady1 faithful in her work1 but unwilling to enter at any price a house where she would be subject to feminine authority4 ,the old priest died quite suddenly the week preceding the installation of the philosopher in the ,rue ,guy de la ,brosse4 ,old ,carbonnet1 in whose register the newcomer had simply signed himself rentier1 had no trouble in recognizing the class to which this ,m4 ,sixte belonged1 first from the number of books which composed his library1 and also through the account of a servant belonging to a professor of the ,college of ,france1 who lived on the first floor4 ,in these phalansteries of the ,parisian bourgeois everything becomes an event4 ,the maid told her mistress the name of her future neighbor2 the mistress told her husband2 she spoke of ,m4 ,sixte at table in such a way that the maid comprehended enough to surmise that the new lodger was 8in books like monsieur40 ,carbonnet would not have been worthy of drawing the cord in a ,parisian lodging-house1 if his wife and he had not immediately felt the necessity of bringing ,m4 ,adrien ,sixte and ,mlle4 ,trapenard together4 ,they felt this the more because ,mme4 ,carbonnet1 who was old and almost disabled1 had already too much to do to take care of three households1 to undertake this one4 ,the taste for intrigue which flourishes in lodging-houses like fuchsias1 geraniums1 and basils induced this couple to assure the savant that the cooking at the eating-houses was wretched1 that there was not a single housekeeper whom they could recommend in the whole neighborhood1 and that the servant of the late ,m4 l',abb ,vayssier was a 8pearl0 of discretion1 order1 economy1 and culinary skill4 ,finally1 the philosopher consented to see this model housekeeper4 ,the visible honesty of the woman pleased him and also the reflection that this arrangement would simplify his existence1 by relieving him from the odious task of giving a certain number of positive orders4 ,mlle4 ,trapenard entered the service of this master for fifty francs a month1 which was soon increased to sixty4 ,the savant gave her fifty francs in ,new-,year gifts beside4 ,he never examined his accounts1 but settled them every ,sunday morning without question4 ,it was ,mlle4 ,trapenard who did the business with all the tradesmen without any interference on the part of ,m4 ,sixte4 ,in a word she reigned absolute mistress1 a situation1 as may be imagined1 which excited the universal envy of the little world incessantly going up and down the common staircase so zealously scrubbed every ,monday4 8,i say1 ,mam'zelle ,mariette1 you have drawn the lucky number10 said ,carbonnet as the housekeeper stopped a minute to chat with her benefactor1 who was now much older4 ,he wore spectacles on his square nose1 and it was with some difficulty that he adjusted the blows of his hammer to the heads of the nails which he drove into the boot-heels closely pressed between his legs4 ,for some years he had taken care of a cock named ,ferdinand--why1 no one knew4 ,this creature wandered about among the bits of leather1 exciting the admiration of all visitors by his eagerness to peck at the buttons of the boots4 ,in his moments of fright this pet cock would take refuge with his master1 plunge one of his feet into the pocket of the cobbler's vest and hide his head under the arm of the old concierge3 8,come1 ,ferdinand1 say good-day to ,mam'zelle ,mariette10 resumed ,carbonnet4 ,and the cock gently pecked the woman's hand1 while his master continued3 8,i always say1 #8,never despair at one bad year1 two good ones are bound to come immediately after4'0 8,there we agree10 responded ,mariette1 8for monsieur is a good man1 though as to religion he is a regular pagan2 he has not been to mass these fifteen years40 8,there are plenty who do go10 replied ,carbonnet1 8who are sad dogs1 and lead anything but a quiet life between four and midnight--without your knowing anything about it40 ,this fragment of conversation perhaps shows the type of opinion which ,mariette held in regard to her master2 but this opinion would be unintelligible if we did not recall here the works of the philosopher1 and the trend of his thought4 ,born in #ahci at ,nancy1 where his father kept a little watchmaker's shop1 and remarkable for the precocity of his intellect1 ,adrien ,sixte left among his comrades the remembrance of a child thin and taciturn1 endowed with a strength of moral resistance which always discouraged familiarity4 ,at first he was very brilliant in his studies1 then mediocre1 until in the class in philosophy which then bore the name of ,logic1 he distinguished himself by his exceptional aptitude4 ,his professor1 struck by his metaphysical talent1 wished him to prepare for the normal school examination4 ,adrien refused and declared beside to his father that1 taking one trade with another1 he preferred manual labor4 8,i will be a watchmaker like you10 was his sole answer to the objurgations of his father1 who1 like the innumerable artisans1 or ,french merchants whose children attend college1 cherished the dream that his son might be a civil officer4 ,m4 and ,mme4 ,sixte could not reproach this son1 who did not smoke1 never went to the caf1 was never seen with a girl1 in fine1 who was their pride1 and to whose wishes they resigned themselves with a broken heart4 ,they renounced a career for him1 but they would not consent to putting him to an apprenticeship1 hence1 the young man lived at home with no other occupation than to study as suited his fancy4 ,he employed ten years in perfecting himself in the study of ,english and ,german philosophy1 in the natural sciences and especially in the physiology of the brain and in the mathematical sciences2 finally1 he gave himself1 as one of the great thinkers of our epoch has said of himself1 that 8violent inflammation of the brain10 that kind of apoplexy of positive knowledge which was the process of education of ,carlyle and of ,mill1 of ,taine and ,renan1 and of nearly all the masters of modern philosophy4 ,in #ahfh1 the son of the watchmaker of ,nancy1 then twenty-five years of age1 published a large volume of five hundred pages entitled3 8,psychology of ,god10 which he did not send to more than fifteen persons1 but which had the unexpected fortune of causing a scandalous echo4 ,this book1 written in the solitude of the most honest thought1 presented the double character of a critical analysis1 keen to severity1 and an ardor in negation exalted to fanaticism4 ,less poetic than ,m4 ,taine1 incapable of writing the magnificent preface to the 8,intelligence10 and the essay upon universal phenomena2 less dry than ,m4 ,ribot1 who already preluded by his 8,english ,psychologists0 the beautiful series of his studies1 the 8,psychology of ,god10 combined the eloquence of one with the penetration of the other1 and it had the chance1 unsought1 of directly attacking the most exciting problem of metaphysics4 ,a pamphlet by a well-known bishop1 an unworthy allusion of a cardinal in a discourse to the senate1 a crushing article by the most brilliant critical spiritualist in a celebrated review1 sufficed to point out the work to the curiosity of the youth over whom passed a revolutionary wind1 the herald of future overthrow4 ,the thesis of the author consisted in demonstrating the necessary production of 8the hypothesis--,god10 by the action of some psychologic laws1 which are themselves connected with some cerebral modifications of an entirely physical order1 and this thesis was established1 supported1 and developed with an acrimony of atheism which recalled the fury of ,lucretius against the beliefs of his time4 ,it happened then to the hermit of ,nancy1 that his work1 which was conceived and written as if in the solitude of a cell1 was at once in the midst of the noise of the battle of contemporaneous ideas4 ,for years there had not been seen such power of general ideas wedded to such amplitude of erudition1 nor so rich an abundance of points of view united to so audacious a nihilism4 ,but while the name of the author was becoming celebrated in ,paris1 his parents were bowed to the earth by his success4 ,some articles in the ,catholic journals filled ,mme4 ,sixte with despair4 ,the old watchmaker trembled lest he should lose his customers among the aristocracy of ,nancy4 ,all the miseries of the province crushed the philosopher1 who was about to leave his home1 when the ,german invasion and the fearful national shipwreck turned the attention of his countrymen away from him4 ,his parents died in the spring of #ahga4 ,in the summer of the same year1 he lost an aunt1 and so in the autumn of #ahgb having settled his affairs1 he came to establish himself in ,paris4 ,his resources1 thanks to the inheritance of his parents and of his aunt1 consisted in eight thousand francs income invested in a life-interest4 ,he had resolved never to marry1 never to go into society1 never to be ambitious of honor1 of place nor of reputation4 ,the whole formula of his life was contained in the words3 ,to think6 ,in order to better define this man of a quality so rare that this sketch after nature will risk appearing untruthful to the reader who is unfamiliar with the biographies of the great manipulators of ideas1 it is necessary to give a rapid glance at some of the days of this powerful thinker4 ,summer and winter1 ,m4 ,sixte sat down to his work at six o'clock in the morning1 refreshed by a single cup of black coffee4 ,at ten o'clock he took his breakfast1 a summary operation which permitted him to be at the gate of the ,jardin des ,plantes at half-past ten4 ,he walked in the garden until noon1 sometimes extending his stroll toward the quays and by the way of ,notre ,dame4 ,one of his favorite pleasures consisted in long sances in front of the cages of the monkeys and the lodges of the elephants4 ,the children and servants who saw him laugh1 long and silently1 at the ferocities and cynicisms of the baboons and ouistitis1 never suspected the misanthropic thoughts which this spectacle brought to the mind of the savant who compared in himself the human to the simian comedy1 as he compared our habitual folly with the wisdom of the noble animal that1 before us1 was king of the earth4 ,toward noon ,m4 ,sixte returned to his home and worked again until four o'clock4 ,from four to six he received three times a week1 visitors who were nearly always students1 masters occupied with the same studies as himself1 or foreigners attracted by a reputation which to-day is ,european4 ,three other days he went out to make some indispensable visits4 ,at six o'clock he dined and then went out again1 this time going the length of the closed garden to the ,orlans station4 ,at eight o'clock he returned1 regulated his correspondence or read4 ,at ten o'clock the lights were extinguished in his house4 ,this monastic existence had its weekly rest on ,monday1 the philosopher having observed that ,sunday emptied an obstructing tide of pleasure seekers into the country4 ,on these days1 he went out very early in the morning1 boarded a suburban train1 and did not return until evening4 ,not once in fifteen years had he departed from this absolute regularity4 ,not once had he accepted an invitation to dine nor taken a stall in a theater4 ,he never read a newspaper1 relying on his publisher for marked copies pertaining to his own works4 ,his indifference to politics was so complete that he had never drawn his elector's card4 ,it is proper to add1 in order to fix the principal features of this singular being1 that he had broken off all connection with his family1 and that this rupture was founded1 like the smallest act of his life1 upon a theory4 ,he had written in the preface to his second book1 8,anatomy of the ,will10 this significant sentence3 8,the social attachments should be reduced to their minimum for the man who wishes to know and speak the truth in the domain of the psychologic sciences40 ,from a similar motive this man1 who was so gentle that he had not given three commands to his servant in fifteen years1 systematically forbade himself all charity4 ,on this point he agreed with ,spinoza who has written in the fourth book of the ,ethics3 8,pity1 for a wise man who lives according to reason1 is bad and useless40 ,this ,saint ,lais1 as he might have been called as justly as the venerable ,emile ,littr1 hated in ,christianity the excessive fondness for humanity4 ,he gave these two reasons for it3 first that the hypothesis of a ,heavenly ,father and of eternal happiness had developed to excess the distaste for the real and had diminished the power to accept the laws of nature2 second1 in establishing the social order upon love1 that is1 upon sensibility1 this religion had opened the way to all the caprices of the most personal doctrines4 ,he did not suspect that his faithful servant had sewed consecrated medals into all his vests1 and his indifference with regard to the external world was so complete that he went without meat on ,fridays and on other days prescribed by the ,church1 without perceiving this effort on the part of the old maid to assure the salvation of a master of whom she sometimes said1 repeating unconsciously a celebrated saying3 8,the good ,god would not be the good ,god1 if he had the heart to damn him40 ,these years of continuous labor in this hermitage of the ,rue ,guy de la ,brosse had produced1 beside the 8,anatomy of the ,will10 a 8,theory of the ,passions10 in three volumes1 whose publication would have been still more scandalous than that of the 8,psychology of ,god10 if the extreme liberty of the press for ten years had not accustomed readers to audacities of description which the mild1 technical ferocity of a savant could not equal4 ,in these two books is found1 precisely stated1 the doctrine of ,m4 ,sixte which it is necessary to take up again here1 in some of its general features1 for the intelligent understanding of the drama to which this short biography serves as prologue4 ,with the critical school sprung from ,kant1 the author of these three treatises admits that the mind is powerless to know causes and substances1 and that it ought only to co-ordinate phenomena4 ,with the ,english psychologists1 he admits that one group among these phenomena1 those which are classed under the name of soul1 may be the object of scientific knowledge1 on condition of their being studied after a scientific method4 ,up to this point1 as we all see1 there is nothing in these theories which distinguishes them from those which ,messrs4 ,taine1 ,ribot and their disciples have developed in their principal works4 ,the two original characteristics of ,m4 ,sixte's inquiries are found elsewhere4 ,the first resides in a negative analysis of what ,herbert ,spencer calls the ,unknowable4 ,we know that the great ,english thinker admits that all reality rests upon a ,first ,cause which it is impossible to penetrate2 consequently it is necessary to use the formula of ,fichte1 to comprehend this ,first ,cause 7arrire-fonds7 as incomprehensible2 but as the beginning of the 8,first ,principles0 strongly attests this ,unknowable is real to ,mr4 ,spencer4 ,it exists since we derive our existence from it4 ,from this there is only a step to apprehend that this ,first ,cause of all reality involves a mind and a soul since one finds their source in it4 ,many excellent minds foresee a probable reconciliation between science and religion on this ground of the ,unknowable4 ,for ,m4 ,sixte this is a last form of metaphysical illusion which he is rabid to destroy with an energy of argument that has not been seen to this degree since ,kant4 ,his second title of honor as psychologist consists in an expos1 quite novel and very ingenious1 of the animal origin of human sensibility4 ,thanks to an exhaustive reading and a minute knowledge of the natural sciences1 he has been able to attempt for the genesis of human thought the work which ,darwin attempted for the genesis of the forms of life4 ,applying the law of evolution to all the facts which constitute the human heart1 he has claimed to show that1 our most refined sensations1 our most subtile moral delicacies as well as our most shameful failures1 are the latest development1 the supreme metamorphosis of very simple instincts1 which are themselves transformations of the primitive cellule2 so that the moral universe exactly reproduces the physical1 and the former is the consciousness1 either painful or pleasurable1 of the latter4 ,this conclusion presented under the title of hypothesis because of its metaphysical character1 is the result of a marvelous series of analyses1 among which it is proper to cite two hundred pages on love1 which are so audacious as to be almost ludicrous from the pen of so chaste a man4 ,but has not ,spinoza himself given us a theory of jealousy which has not been equalled in brutality by any modern novelist8 ,and does not ,schopenhauer rival ,chamfort in the spirit of his tirades against women8 ,it is almost unnecessary to add that the most complete positivism pervades these books from one end to the other4 ,we owe to ,m4 ,sixte some sentences which express with extreme energy this conviction that everything in the mind is there of necessity1 even the illusion1 that we are free4 8,every act is only an addition4 ,to say he is free1 is to say that there is in the total more than there is in the sum of all the parts4 ,that is as absurd in psychology as it is in arithmetic40 ,and again3 8,if we could know correctly the relative position of all the phenomena which constitute the actual universe1 we could1 from the present1 calculate with a certainty equal to that of the astronomers the day1 the hour1 the minute when ,england1 for example1 will evacuate ,india1 or ,europe will have burned her last piece of coal1 or such a criminal1 still unborn1 will assassinate his father1 or such a poem1 not yet conceived will be written4 ,the future is contained in the present as all the properties of the triangle are contained in its definition40 ,mohammedan fatalism itself is not expressed with more absolute precision4 8,with speculations of this order1 only the most frightful aridity of imagination would seem to comport4 ,thus that which ,m4 ,sixte so often said of himself3 ,i take life on its poetic side10 appeared to those who heard it the most absurd of paradoxes4 ,and yet nothing is truer with regard to the special nature of the minds of philosophers4 ,what essentially distinguishes the born philosopher from other men is that ideas instead of being formulas of the mind more or less exact1 are to him real and living things4 ,sensibility1 with him1 models itself upon the thought instead of establishing a divorce more or less complete1 between the heart and the brain1 as with the rest of us4 ,a ,christian preacher has admirably shown the nature of this divorce when he uttered this strange and profound sentence3 8,we know well that we shall die1 but we do not believe it40 ,the philosopher1 when he is one by passion and by constitution1 does not conceive this duality1 this life divided between contradictory sensations and reflections4 ,this universal necessity1 this indefinite and constant metamorphosis of phenomena1 this colossal work of nature ceaselessly making and unmaking itself1 with no point of departure1 no point of arrival1 by the play of the primitive cells alone1 this parallel work of the human mind reproducing under the form of thoughts and volitions the movement of physiological life1 was not for ,m4 ,sixte a simple object of speculation4 ,he plunged into the contemplation of these ideas with a kind of vertigo1 he felt them with all his being1 so that this simple man seated at his table1 waited upon by his old housekeeper1 in a study whose shelves were laden with books1 this man of poor appearance1 with his feet in a carriage boot 7chancelire7 to keep them warm1 and his body wrapped in a shabby great-coat1 participated in imagination in the labor of the universe4 ,he lived the life of every creature4 ,he slept with the mineral1 vegetated with the plant1 moved with the rudimentary beasts1 confounded himself with the superior organisms1 and at last expanded into the fullness of a mind capable of reflecting the vast universe4 ,these are the delights of general ideas1 analogous to those of opium1 which render these dreamers indifferent to the small accidents of the external world1 and also1 why shall we not say it8 almost absolute strangers to the ordinary affections of life4 ,we become attached to that which we feel to be very real2 now to these singular minds1 it is abstraction which is reality1 and the daily reality is only a shadow1 only a gross and degraded impression of the invisible laws4 ,perhaps ,m4 ,sixte had loved his mother1 but surely this was the limit of his sentimental existence4 ,if he was gentle and indulgent to all1 it was from the same instinct which made him take hold of a chair gently1 when he wished to move it out of his way2 but he had never felt the need of a warm and loving tenderness1 of family1 of devotion1 of love1 nor even of friendship4 ,he sometimes conversed with some savants with whom he was associated1 but always professionally on chemistry with one1 on the higher mathematics with another1 and on the diseases of the nervous system with a third4 ,whether these men were married1 occupied in rearing families1 anxious to make a career for themselves or not1 was of no interest to him in his relations with them2 but however strange such a conclusion must appear after such a sketch1 he was happy4 ,given such a man1 such a home and such a life1 let us imagine the effect produced in this study in the ,rue ,guy de la ,brosse by two events which occurred one after the other in the same afternoon3 first1 a summons addressed to ,m4 ,adrien ,sixte1 to appear at the office of ,m4 ,valette1 ,judge of ,instruction1 for the purpose of being questioned1 8upon certain facts and circumstances of which he would be informed20 second1 a card bearing the name of ,mme4 ,greslon and asking ,m4 ,sixte to receive her the next day toward four o'clock1 8to talk with him about the crime of which her son was falsely accused40 ,i have said that the philosopher never read a newspaper4 ,if by chance he had opened one a fortnight before he would have found allusions to this history of the young ,greslon which more recent trials have caused to be forgotten4 ,for want of this information the summons and the note of the mother had no definite meaning for him4 ,however1 by the relation between them he concluded that they were probably connected1 and he thought they concerned a certain ,robert ,greslon1 whom he had known the preceding year1 in quite simple circumstances4 ,but these circumstances contrasted too strongly with the idea of a criminal process1 to guide the conjectures of the savant1 and he remained a long time looking at the summons turn by turn with the card1 a prey to that almost painful anxiety which the least event of an unexpected nature does inflict on men of fixed habits4 ,robert ,greslon8 ,m4 ,sixte had read this name for the first time two years before1 at the bottom of a note accompanying a manuscript4 ,this manuscript bore the title3 8,contribution to the ,study of the ,multiplication of ,self10 and the note modestly expressed the wish that the celebrated writer would glance at the first essay of a very young man4 ,the author had added to his signature3 8,veteran pupil of philosophy at the ,clermont-,ferrand ,lyceum40 ,this work of almost sixty pages revealed an intellect so prematurely subtle1 an acquaintance so exact with the most recent theories of contemporaneous psychology1 and finally such ingenuity of analysis1 that ,m4 ,sixte had believed it a duty to respond by a long letter4 ,a note of thanks had come back immediately1 in which the young man announced that1 being obliged to go to ,paris for the oral examination of the normal school he would have the honor to present himself1 to the master4 ,the latter had then seen enter his study one afternoon1 a young man of about twenty years with fine black eyes1 lively and changeable1 which lighted up a countenance which was almost too pale4 ,this was the only detail of physiognomy which remained in the memory of the philosopher4 ,like all other speculative persons1 he received only a floating impression of the visible world and he retained but a remembrance as vague as this impression4 ,his memory of ideas was1 however1 surprising1 and he recalled to the smallest detail his conversation with ,robert ,greslon4 ,among the young men whom his renown attracted to him1 none had astonished him more by the truly extraordinary precocity of his erudition and his reasoning4 ,no doubt there floated in the mind of this youth much of the effervescence of mind which assimilates too quickly vast quantities of diverse knowledge2 but what marvelous facility of deduction6 ,what natural eloquence1 and what visible sincerity of enthusiasm4 ,the savant could see him gesticulating a little and saying3 8,no1 monsieur1 you do not know what you are to us1 nor what we feel in reading your books4 ,you are the one who accepts the whole truth1 the one in whom we can believe4 ,why1 the analysis of love in your 8,theory of the ,passions0 is our breviary4 ,the book is forbidden at the ,lyceum4 ,i had it at home and two of my comrades copied certain chapters during the holidays40 ,as there is the author's vanity hidden in the soul of every man who has had his prose printed1 be he even so absolutely sincere as ,m4 ,adrien ,sixte certainly was1 this worship of a group of scholars1 so ingenuously expressed by one of them1 had particularly flattered the philosopher4 ,robert ,greslon had solicited the honor of a second visit1 and then while confessing a failure at the normal school1 he disclosed a little of his projects4 ,m4 ,sixte1 contrary to all his habits1 had questioned him upon the most minute details4 ,he had thus learned that the young man was the only son of an engineer who had died without leaving a fortune1 and that his mother had made many sacrifices in order to educate him4 8,but ,i will accept no more10 said ,robert1 8it is my intention to take my degree next year1 then ,i shall ask for a chair of philosophy in some college1 and ,i will write an extended work on the variation of personality1 of which the essay that ,i submitted to you is the embryo40 ,and the eyes of the young psychologist grew more brilliant as he formulated this programme of life4 ,these two visits dated from ,august1 #ahhe1 the second was in ,february1 #ahhg1 and since then1 ,m4 ,sixte had received five or six letters from his young disciple4 ,the last announced the entrance of ,robert ,greslon as preceptor1 into a noble family that was passing the summer months in a chteau near one of the pretty lakes of the ,auvergne ,mountains--,lake ,aydat4 ,a simple detail will give the measure of the preoccupation into which ,m4 ,sixte was thrown by the coincidence between the letter from the office of the judge and the note of ,mme4 ,greslon4 ,although there were upon his table1 the proofs of a long article for the ,philosophical ,review to correct1 he began searching for the correspondence with the young man4 ,he found it readily in the box in which he carefully arranged his smallest papers4 ,it was classed with others of the same kind1 under the head3 8,doctrines contemporaneous on the formation of mind40 ,it made nearly thirty pages1 which the savant read again with special care1 without finding anything but reflections of an entirely intellectual order1 various questions upon some readings1 and the statements of certain projects for memories4 ,what thread could connect such preoccupations with the criminal process of which the mother spoke8 ,was this process the cause of the summons otherwise inexplicable8 ,this boy whom he had seen only twice must have made a strong impression on the philosopher1 for the thought that the mystery hidden behind this call from the ,palais de ,justice was the same as that which caused the sudden visit of this despairing mother kept him awake a part of the night4 ,for the first time in all these years he was sharp with ,mlle4 ,trapenard because of some slight negligence1 and when he passed in front of the lodge at one o'clock in the afternoon his face1 usually so calm1 expressed anxiety so plainly that ,father ,carbonnet1 already prepared by the letter of citation which had arrived unsealed1 according to a barbarous custom1 and which he had read1 and as was right confided to his wife--it was now the talk of the whole quarter--said3 8,i am not inquisitive about other people's business1 but ,i would give years of my life as landlord to know what justice can want of poor ,m4 ,sixte that he should come down at this time of day40 8,why1 ,m4 ,sixte has changed his hour for walking10 said the baker's daughter to her mother1 as she sat behind the counter in the shop1 8it seems that he is going to have a lawsuit over an inheritance40 8,strike me if that isn't old ,sixte going by1 the old zebra6 ,it appears that justice is after him10 said one of the two pupils in pharmacy to his comrade2 8these old fellows look very innocent1 but at bottom they are all rogues40 8,he is more of a bear than usual1 he will not even speak to us40 ,this was said by the wife of the professor of the ,college of ,france who lived in the same house with the philosopher and who had just met him4 8,so much the better1 and they say he is going to be prosecuted for writing such books4 ,i am not sorry for that40 ,thus we see how the most modest men1 and those who believe themselves to be the least noticed1 can not stir a step without incurring the comments of innumerable tongues1 even though they live in what ,parisians are pleased to call a quiet quarter4 ,let us add that ,m4 ,sixte would have cared as little for this curiosity1 even if he had suspected it1 as he cared for a volume of official philosophy4 ,this was for him an expression of extreme contempt4 ,,ii4 ,,the ,,greslon ,,affair4 ,,the celebrated philosopher was in everything methodically punctual4 ,among the maxims which he had adopted at the beginning1 in imitation of ,descartes1 was this3 8,order enfranchises the mind40 ,he arrived1 therefore1 at the ,palais de ,justice five minutes before the time appointed4 ,he had to wait a half-hour in the corridor before the judge called him4 ,in this long passage1 with its long1 bare1 white walls1 and furnished with a few chairs and tables for the use of the messengers1 all voices were lowered1 as is usual in all official antechambers4 ,there were six or seven other persons4 ,the savants companions were an honest bourgeois and his wife1 some shopkeepers of the neighborhood who were very much out of their element4 ,the sight of this person1 with his smoothly-shaven face1 his eyes hidden behind the dark1 round glasses of his spectacles1 with his long redingote and his inexplicable physiognomy made these people so uneasy that they left the place where they were whispering together3 8,he is a detective10 whispered the husband to his wife4 8,do you think so80 asked the woman regarding the enigmatic and immovable figure in terror4 8,dieu6 but he has a false look60 ,while this profoundly comic scene was being acted1 without the professional observer of the human heart suspecting for a moment the effect he was producing1 nor even noticing that there was any one beside him awaiting audience1 the ,judge of ,instruction was talking with a friend in a small room adjoining his office4 ,adorned with the autographs and portraits of some famous criminals1 this apartment served ,m4 ,valette for toilet-room1 smoking-room1 and also a place of retreat when he wished to chat out of the inevitable presence of his clerk4 ,the judge was a man less than forty years of age1 with a handsome profile1 clothes cut in the latest fashion and with rings on his fingers1 in fact1 a magistrate of the new school4 ,he held in his hand the paper on which the savant had written his name in a clear1 running hand and passed it to his friend1 a simple man of leisure1 with one of those physiognomies at once nervous and expressionless which are only seen in ,paris4 ,would you try to read their tastes1 habits1 or character8 ,it is impossible1 so manifold and contradictory are the sensations which have passed over the countenance4 ,this viveur was one of those men who are always present at first representations1 who visit painters' studios1 who attend sensational trials1 and who pride themselves on being au courant with the affairs of the day1 8in the swim10 as they say to-day4 ,after reading the name of ,adrien ,sixte1 he exclaimed3 8,well1 old fellow1 have you the chance of talking with that man6 ,you remember his chapter on love in some old book or other4 ,ah6 he's a lascar who knows all about the women4 ,but what the devil are you going to question him about80 8,about this ,greslon case10 replied the judge2 8the young man has often been to his house1 and the defense has summoned him as witness for the prisoner4 ,a commission of examination has been issued1 nothing more40 8,i wish ,i could see him10 said the other4 8,would it give you pleasure8 ,nothing easier4 ,i am going to have him called4 ,you will go out as he comes in4 ,well1 it is settled that we will meet at ,durand's at eight o'clock1 is it8 ,will ,gladys be there80 8,of course4 ,do you know ,gladys' latest80 ,we were reproaching ,christine in her presence for deceiving ,jacques1 when she said3 8,but she must have two lovers1 for she spends in one year twice what each one gives her60 8,faith10 said ,valette1 8,i believe that she surpasses1 in the philosophy of love1 all the ,sixtes in the world and in the demi-world too40 ,the two friends laughed gayly1 then the judge gave the order to call the philosopher4 ,the curious one1 while shaking hands with ,vilette and saying3 8,good-by till evening1 precisely at eight o'clock10 winked his eye behind his single eyeglass in order the better to unmask the illustrious writer whom he knew from having read the piquant extracts from the 8,theory of the ,passions10 in the newspapers4 ,the appearance of the good man1 at once timid and eccentric1 who entered the judge's office with the most visible embarrassment1 contradicted so plainly the idea of the biting misanthrope1 cruel and disillusioned1 who was outlined in their imagination1 that the man-about-town and the magistrate exchanged a look of astonishment4 ,a smile came irresistibly to their lips1 but only for a moment4 ,the friend was already gone4 ,the other motioned to the witness to take a seat in one of the green velvet arm chairs with which the room was furnished1 a luxury completed1 in the administrative manner1 by a green moquette carpet and a mahogany writing desk4 ,the face of the judge had resumed its gravity4 ,these changes from one attitude to another are much more sincere than those imagine who observe these contrasts of bearing between the private man and the functionary4 ,the perfect social comedian1 who holds his profession in perfect contempt1 is happily a very rare monster4 ,we have not this strength of scepticism in the service of our hypocrisies4 ,the witty ,m4 ,valette1 so popular in the demi-monde1 the friend of sporting men1 emulated by journalists in witticisms1 and who had just now commented gayly upon the remark of a bold woman with whom he should dine in the evening1 found no trouble to give place to the severe and coolly skillful magistrate whose business it was to find out the truth in the name of the law4 ,if his eye became suddenly acute it was that he might penetrate to the bottom of the consciousness of the newcomer4 ,in these first moments of conversation with one whom it is their purpose to make talk1 even against his own will1 born magistrates experience a kind of awakening of their militant nature1 like fencers who try the play of an unknown adversary4 ,the philosopher found that his presentiments had not deceived him1 for he saw1 written in large letters on the bundle of papers which ,m4 ,valette took up these words3 8,greslon ,case40 ,silence reigned in the room broken only by the rustling of paper and the scratching of the clerk's pen4 ,this person was preparing to take down the interrogatory with that impersonal indifference which distinguishes men accustomed to play the part of machine in the drama of judicial life4 ,one case to them is as much like another as one death is like another to an employee of an undertaker1 or one invalid like another to a hospital attendant4 8,i will spare you1 monsieur10 said the judge at last1 8the usual questions4 ,there are some names and some men of which we are not permitted to be ignorant40 ,the philosopher did not even incline his head at this compliment4 8,not used to the world10 thought the judge1 8this is one of those literary men who think it their duty to despise us10 and then aloud3 8,i come to the fact which was the motive of the summons addressed to you4 ,you know the crime of which young ,greslon is accused80 8,pardon1 monsieur10 interrupted the philosopher1 changing the position which he had instinctively taken to listen to the judge1 his elbow on the chair1 his chin in his hand1 and his index finger on his cheek1 as in his grand1 solitary meditations1 8,i have not the least idea40 8,it was reported in all the papers with an exactness to which the gentlemen of the press have not accustomed us10 responded the judge1 who thought it his duty to reply to the scorn of literature for the robe diagnostic by a little persiflage2 and he said to himself3 8,he is dissimulating--,why8 ,to play sharp8 ,how stupid60 8,pardon1 monsieur10 said the philosopher again1 8,i never read the papers40 ,the judge looked at him keenly and ejaculated an 8,ah60 in which there was more irony than astonishment4 8,very good10 thought he1 8you want to compel me to state the case1 wait a little40 ,there was a certain irritation in his voice as he said3 8,very well1 monsieur1 ,i will sum up the accusation in a few words1 regretting that you are not better informed of an affair which may very seriously affect your moral if not your legal responsibility40 ,here the philosopher raised his head with an anxiety which delighted the judge's heart4 8,caught1 my good man10 said he to himself2 and aloud3 8,in any case1 you know1 monsieur1 who ,robert ,greslon is1 and the position which he held in the family of the ,marquis ,jussat ,randon4 ,i have here among these papers copies of several letters which you addressed to him at the chteau1 and which testify that you were--how shall ,i express it8--the intellectual guide of the accused40 ,the philosopher again made a motion of the head4 8,i shall ask you presently to tell me if this young man ever spoke to joy of the domestic life of the family and in what terms4 ,i give you no information probably when ,i tell you that the family was composed of a father1 mother1 a son who is a captain of dragoons now in garrison at ,lunville1 a second son who was ,greslon's pupil1 and a young girl of nineteen1 ,mlle4 ,charlotte40 8,the daughter was betrothed to the ,baron de ,plane1 an officer in the same company as her brother4 ,the marriage had been delayed some months for family reasons which have nothing to do with the affair4 ,it had been definitely fixed for the fifteenth of last ,december40 8,now1 one morning of the week which preceded the arrival of the fianc and of ,count ,andr1 the brother of ,mlle4 de ,jussat1 the maid entering the room of her young mistress at the usual hour found her dead in her bed40 ,the magistrate made a pause1 and while continuing to turn over the papers in his packet1 looked with half-closed eyes at the witness4 ,the stupor which was depicted on the face of the philosopher1 showed such sincerity that the judge himself was astonished4 8,he knew nothing about it10 said he to himself1 8that is very strange40 ,he studied anew1 without changing his preoccupied and indifferent air1 the countenance of the celebrated man2 but he lacked the gifts which would have rendered this abstracted person intelligible1 this union of a brain all-powerful in the realm of ideas with an ingenuousness1 a timidity almost comical in the domain of facts4 ,he could understand nothing of it1 and he resumed his recital4 8,though the physician who was hastily summoned was only a modest1 country practitioner1 he did not hesitate a minute in recognizing that the appearance of the body contradicted all idea of a natural death4 ,the face was livid1 the teeth set1 the pupils extraordinarily dilated1 and the body1 bent in an arch1 rested on the nape of the neck and on the heels4 ,in brief1 these were the signs of poisoning by strychnine4 8,a glass upon the night-table contained the last drops of a potion which ,mlle4 de ,jussat must have taken during the night1 as was her custom1 for insomnia4 ,she had been suffering for nearly a year from a nervous malady4 ,the doctor analyzed these drops and found traces of nux vomica4 ,this1 as you know1 is one of the forms in which the terrible poison is sold as medicine4 ,a small bottle without any label1 containing some drops of a dark color1 was picked up by a gardener under the window of the room4 ,this had been thrown from the window that it might be broken1 but it had fallen on the soft earth of a freshly dug flower-bed4 ,these brownish drops were also drops of nux vomica4 8,there was no doubt that ,mlle4 de ,jussat had been poisoned4 ,this was demonstrated at the autopsy4 8,was it a suicide or a murder8 ,if a suicide1 what motive had this young girl1 who was soon to be married to a charming man whom she loved1 for killing herself8 and in such a way1 without a word of explanation1 without a letter of farewell to her parents6 ,beside1 how had she procured the poison8 8,the investigation of this matter put justice on the track of the prisoner4 ,being questioned1 the apothecary of the village deposed that six weeks before the tutor at the chteau had bought some nux vomica to take for a disorder of the stomach4 8,now the tutor went to ,clermont under pretext of visiting his sick mother1 on the very day of the discovery of the dead body1 having been summoned1 as he said1 by a telegraphic despatch4 ,it was shown that this telegram had never been received1 that on the night of the crime a servant had seen him coming out of ,mlle4 de ,jussat's room2 finally1 that the bottle of poison which had been bought at the druggist's1 and was found again in the room of the young man1 had been partly emptied and then refilled with water4 8,other witnesses reported that ,robert ,greslon had been very assiduous in his attentions to the young girl1 without the knowledge of her parents4 ,a letter was even discovered which he had written to her and dated eleven months before1 but which might be interpreted as a skillful attempt at a beginning of courtship4 ,the servants and even the young lad who was his pupil testified that1 for the past eight days1 the relations between ,mlle4 de ,jussat and the tutor had been strained4 ,she would scarcely respond to his salutations4 ,from these facts the following hypothesis was deduced3 8,robert ,greslon1 being in love with this young girl1 had courted her in vain and then poisoned her to prevent her marriage with another4 ,this hypothesis was strengthened by the lies of which the young man had been guilty when he was questioned4 ,he denied that he had ever written to ,mlle4 de ,jussat2 the letter was shown him1 and even half of an envelope1 with his handwriting upon it1 was found among the remains of burned papers in the fireplace of the victim's room4 ,he denied going out of ,mlle4 ,charlotte's room on the night in question1 and he was brought face to face with the footman who had seen him1 and who supported his assertion with the greater energy that he confessed that he had gone to keep an appointment with one of the maids with whom he was in love1 at the same hour4 8,beside1 ,greslon could not explain why he had bought the nux vomica4 8,it was proved that he had never before complained of any stomach trouble4 ,he could neither explain the invention of the dispatch1 his sudden departure1 nor his frightful agitation at the news of the discovery of the poisoning4 ,beside1 no other motive than a lover's vengeance was admissible1 from the simple fact that the victim's jewelry and money were not taken and her body bore no mark of violence4 8,this is the way it was presumably done3 ,greslon entered ,mlle4 de ,jussat's room1 knowing that she usually slept until two o'clock1 when she awoke to take her potion4 ,he put into this potion enough nux vomica to so overpower the girl that she had only time to replace the glass upon the table1 but was unable to call for help4 ,then1 fearing that his emotion would betray him1 he went away before the body was discovered4 8,the empty bottle which was found on the ground he had thrown from the study window which opened directly above that of ,mlle4 ,charlotte4 ,the other bottle he had refilled with water by one of those unskillful ruses which betray the novice in crime4 8,in brief1 ,greslon is now confined in the jail at ,riom and will appear at the assizes of that city1 in ,february1 or early in ,march1 accused of poisoning ,mlle4 de ,jussat ,randon4 8,the charge against him is made more overwhelming by his attitude since his arrest4 ,he has shut himself up in absolute silence1 since his falsehoods were confounded1 and refuses to answer any question put to him1 simply saying he is innocent and has no need to defend himself4 ,he has refused counsel and is in a state of so profound melancholy that we must believe that he is haunted by a terrible remorse4 8,he reads and writes a great deal1 but what seems very strange1 and shows the strength of the comedy with this young man of twenty1 he reads and writes only on subjects of pure philosophy1 no doubt to counteract the bad impression made by his gloominess1 and also to prove his entire freedom of mind4 ,the nature of the prisoner's occupations leads me1 monsieur1 after this prolonged statement1 to the reason for which your evidence is desired in this case1 by the mother of the young man1 who naturally rebels against the evidence1 and who is dying of grief1 but is unable to overcome her son's silence4 ,your books1 with those of some ,english psychologists1 are the only ones which the prisoner has asked for4 ,i will add that your books were found on the shelves of his library1 in a condition which show that they have been most assiduously read1 and between the printed leaves there are other leaves filled with comments1 sometimes more developed than the text itself4 ,you shall judge for yourself40 ,while speaking ,m4 ,valette handed the philosopher a copy of the 8,psychology of ,god10 which the latter opened mechanically4 ,he could see at each printed page a corresponding leaf covered with writing similar to his own1 but more confused and nervous4 ,in the tendency of the lines to fall1 a graphologue would have discovered a tendency to easy discouragement4 ,this similarity of writing impressed the philosopher for the first time1 and gave him a singularly painful sensation4 ,he closed the book and returning it to the judge said3 8,i am painfully surprised1 monsieur1 at the revelations you have just made to me2 but ,i confess ,i do not understand what sort of relation exists between this crime and my books or my person1 nor what can be the nature of the testimony ,i can be called upon to give40 8,that is very simple1 however10 replied the judge4 8,however grave the charges against ,robert ,greslon may be they rest upon certain hypotheses4 ,there are terrible presumptions against him1 but there is no absolute certainty4 ,so you see1 monsieur1 to use the language of the science in which you excel1 that a question of psychology will rule the contest4 ,what were the thoughts1 what was the character of this young man8 ,it is evident that1 if he were much interested in abstract studies the chances of his guilt diminish40 ,while making this assertion1 in which the savant did not suspect a snare1 ,valette seemed more and more indifferent4 ,he did not add that one of the arguments of the prosecution1 brought forward by the old ,marquis de ,jussat was that ,robert ,greslon had been corrupted by his reading4 ,he wished to bring ,m4 ,sixte to characterize the principles with which the young man had been impregnated4 8,question me1 monsieur10 responded the savant4 8,shall we begin at the beginning80 said the judge4 8,in what circumstances and at what date did you make the acquaintance of ,robert ,greslon80 8,two years ago10 said the savant1 8in relation to a work of a purely speculative kind upon human personality1 which he came to submit to me40 8,did you see him often80 8,twice only40 8,what impression did he make on you80 8,that of a young man admirably endowed for psychological work10 replied the philosopher1 weighing his words1 so that the judge felt convinced that he wished to see and speak the truth2 8so well endowed even that ,i was almost frightened at his precocity40 8,he did not converse with you about his private life80 8,very little10 said the philosopher2 8he only told me that he lived with his mother1 and that he intended to make teaching his profession and at the same time work at some books40 8,indeed10 replied the judge1 8that was one of the articles laid down in a sort of programme of life which was found among the prisoner's papers1 among those that are left4 ,for it is one of the charges against him that1 between his examination and his written attestation1 he destroyed the most of them4 ,could you10 he added1 8give any explanation of one sentence of this programme which is very obscure to the profane who are not conversant with modern philosophy8 ,here is the sentence10 taking a sheet from among the others3 8,multiply to the utmost psychological experiences40 8,what do you think ,robert ,greslon understands by that80 8,i am very much puzzled to answer you1 monsieur10 said ,m4 ,sixte after a silence2 but the judge began to see that it was useless to use artifice with a man so simple1 and he understood that his silence simply showed that he was seeking an exact expression for his thoughts4 8,i only know the meaning which ,i myself should attach to this formula1 and probably this young man was too well instructed in works of psychology not to think the same4 ,it is evident that in the other sciences of observation1 such as physics or chemistry1 the counter-verification of any law whatever exacts a positive and concrete application of that law4 ,when ,i have decomposed water1 for example1 into its elements1 ,i ought to be able1 all conditions being equal1 to reconstruct water out of these same elements4 ,that is an experience of the most ordinary kind1 but which suffices to summarize the method of the modern sciences4 ,to know by an experimental knowledge is to be able to reproduce at will such or such a phenomenon1 by reproducing its conditions40 8,is such a procedure admissible with moral phenomena8 ,i1 for my part1 believe that it is1 and definitely this that we call education is nothing more than a psychological experience more or less well established1 since it sums up thus3 having given such a phenomenon--which sometimes is called a virtue1 such as patience1 prudence1 sincerity2 sometimes an intellectual aptitude1 such as a dead or a living language1 orthography1 calculation--to find the conditions in which this phenomenon produces itself the most easily4 ,but this field is very limited1 for if ,i wished1 for instance1 the exact conditions of the birth of such passion being once known1 to produce at will this passion in a subject1 ,i should immediately come up against insoluble difficulties of law and morals4 ,there will come a time perhaps1 when such experiments will be possible4 8,my opinion is that1 for the present1 we psychologists must keep to the experiences established by law and by accident4 ,with memoirs1 with works of literature or art1 with statistics1 with law reports1 with notes on forensic medicine1 we have a world of facts at our service4 8,robert ,greslon had1 in fact1 discussed this desideratum of our science with me4 ,i recollect1 he regretted that those condemned to death could not be placed in special conditions1 which would permit of experimenting upon them certain moral phenomena4 ,this was simply a hypothetical opinion1 of a very young mind1 who did not consider that1 to work usefully in this order of ideas1 it is necessary to study one case for a very long time4 ,it would be best to experiment on children1 but how could we make any one believe that it would be useful to science to produce in them certain defects or certain vices for example80 8,vices60 exclaimed the judge astounded by the tranquillity with which the philosopher pronounced this phrase4 8,i speak as a psychologist10 responded the savant who smiled in his turn at the exclamation of the judge2 8that is just why1 monsieur1 our science is not susceptible of certain progress4 ,your exclamation proves that if ,i had needed any proof4 ,society cannot get beyond the theory of the good and the bad which for us has no other meaning than to mark a collection of conventions sometimes useful1 sometimes puerile40 8,you admit1 however1 that there are good actions and bad actions10 said ,m4 ,valette2 then the magistrate asserting himself and turning this general discussion to the profit of his inquiry3 8,this poisoning of ,mlle4 de ,jussat10 he insinuated1 8for example1 you will admit that this is a crime80 8,from the social point of view1 without doubt10 responded ,m4 ,sixte4 8,but for philosophy there is neither crime nor virtue4 ,our volitions are facts of a certain order governed by certain laws1 that is all4 ,but1 monsieur10 and here the nave vanity of the writer showed itself1 8you will find a demonstration of these theories1 which ,i venture to think conclusive1 in my #8,anatomy of the ,will4'0 8,did you sometimes approach these subjects with ,robert ,greslon80 asked the judge1 8and do you believe that he shared your views80 8,very probably10 said the philosopher4 8,do you know1 monsieur10 asked the magistrate1 unmasking his batteries1 8that you come very near justifying the accusations of monsieur the ,marquis de ,jussat1 who claims that the doctrines of contemporary materialists have destroyed all moral sense in this young man1 and have made him capable of this murder80 8,i do not know what matter is10 said ,m4 ,sixte1 8so ,i am not a materialist4 ,as to throwing upon a doctrine the responsibility of the absurd interpretation which a badly balanced brain gives to it1 that is almost as bad as to reproach the chemist who discovered dynamite for the crimes in which this substance is employed4 ,that is an argument which has no force40 ,the tone in which the philosopher pronounced these words revealed the invincible strength of spiritual resistance which profound faith gives1 as a timidity almost infantile1 in the midst of the stir of material life1 was revealed in the accent with which he suddenly asked3 8,do you believe that ,i shall be obliged to go to ,riom to testify80 8,i think not1 monsieur10 said the judge who could not help noticing with new astonishment the contrast between the firmness of thought in the first part of his discourse and the anxiety with which this last sentence had been uttered1 8for ,i see that your interviews with the prisoner have been more superficial than his mother believed1 if indeed they were limited to those two visits and to a correspondence which appears to have been exclusively philosophical4 ,but have you never received any confidences relating to his life with the ,jussats80 8,never2 beside he ceased to write to me almost immediately after he entered that family1 said ,m4 ,sixte40 8,in his last letters was there no trace of new aspirations1 of inquietude of a curiosity of unknown sensations80 8,i have not noticed any10 said the philosopher4 8,well1 monsieur10 replied ,m4 ,valette after a brief silence1 during which he studied anew this singular witness1 8,i will not detain you any longer4 ,your time is too precious4 ,permit me to go over the few responses you have made1 to my clerk4 ,he is not accustomed to examinations that bear upon matters so elevated4 ,you will sign afterward40 ,while the magistrate was dictating to his clerk what he thought would be of interest to justice in the deposition of the savant1 the latter1 who was evidently confused by the horrible revelation of the crime of ,robert ,greslon and by his conversation with the judge1 listened without making any remarks1 almost without comprehending what was being said4 ,he signed his name without looking1 after ,m4 ,valette had read aloud to him the pages on which his answers were recorded1 and once more before taking leave he said3 8,then ,i can be very sure that ,i shall not have to go down there80 8,i hope not10 said the judge1 conducting him to the door2 and he added3 8in any case it would only be for a day or two10 feeling a secret pleasure at the childish anguish depicted on the good man's face4 ,then when ,m4 ,sixte had left his office4 8,there are some fools that it would be well to shut up10 said he to his clerk1 who assented by a nod4 8,it is through ideas like those of this fellow upon crime that young people are ruined4 ,he seems to be sincere4 ,he would be less dangerous if he were a scoundrel4 ,do you know that he might easily cut off his disciple's head with his paradoxes8 ,but that appears to be all right4 ,he is only anxious to know if he will have to go to ,riom4 ,what a maniac60 ,and the judge and his clerk shrugged their shoulders and laughed4 ,then the former after a reverie of some minutes1 in which he went over the various impressions he had received in regard to this being absolutely enigmatical to him1 added3 8,faith1 little did ,i ever suspect the famous ,adrien ,sixte was anything like that4 ,it is inconceivable40 ,,iii4 ,,simple ,,grief4 ,,the epithet by which the ,judge of ,instruction condemned the impassibility of the savant would have been more energetic still1 if he could have followed ,m4 ,sixte and read the philosopher's thoughts during the short time which separated this examination from the rendezvous fixed by the unhappy mother of ,robert ,greslon4 ,having arrived in the great court of the ,palais de ,justice1 he whom ,m4 ,vilette at that very moment was calling a maniac looked first at the clock1 as became a worker so minutely regular4 8,quarter-past two10 he thought1 8,i shall not be home before three4 ,madame ,greslon ought to be there at four4 ,i shall not be able to do any work4 ,that is very disagreeable40 ,and he resolved on the spot to take his daily walk1 the more readily that he could reach the ,jardin des ,plantes along the river and through the city1 whose old physiognomy and quiet peacefulness he loved4 ,the sky was blue with the clear blue of frosty days1 vaguely tinted with violet at the horizon4 ,the ,seine flowed under the bridges green and gayly laborious1 with its loaded boats on which smoked the chimneys of small wooden houses whose windows were adorned with familiar plants4 ,the horses trotted swiftly over the dry pavement4 ,if the philosopher saw all these details in the time that he took to reach the sidewalk of the quay1 with the precaution of a provincial afraid of the carriages1 it was for him a sensation even more unconscious than usual4 ,he continued to think of the surprising revelation which the judge had just made to him2 but a philosopher's head is a machine so peculiar that events do not produce the direct and simple impression which seems natural to other persons4 ,this one was composed of three individuals fitted into one2 there was the simple-minded1 ,sixte1 an old bachelor1 a slave to the scrupulous care of his servant and anxious first of all for his material tranquillity4 ,then there was the philosophical polemic1 the author1 animated1 unknown to himself1 by a ferocious self-love common to all writers4 ,and last1 the great psychologist1 passionately attached to the problems of the inner life2 and in order that an idea should accomplish its full action upon this mind1 it was necessary for it to pass through these three compartments4 ,from the ,palais de ,justice to the first step on the border of the ,seine1 it was the bourgeois who reasoned3 8,yes10 said he to himself1 repeating the words which the sight of the clock had called forth1 8that is very disagreeable4 ,a whole day lost1 and why8 ,i wonder what ,i have to do with all that story1 of assassination1 and what information my testimony has brought to the examination60 ,he did not suspect that1 in the hands of a skillful advocate1 his theory of crime and responsibility might become the most formidable of weapons against ,greslon4 8,it was not worth the trouble to disturb me10 continued he4 8,but these people have no idea of the life of a man who writes4 ,what a stupid that judge was with his imbecile questions6 ,i hope ,i shall not have to go to ,riom to appear before some others of the same sort60 ,he saw the picture of his departure painted afresh in his imagination in characters of odious confusion which a derangement of this kind represents to a man of study whom action unsettles and for whom physical ennui becomes a positive unhappiness4 ,great abstract intellects suffer from these puerilities4 ,the philosopher saw in a flash of anguish his trunk open1 his linen packed1 the papers necessary to his work placed near his shirts1 his getting into a cab1 the tumult of the station1 the railway carriage1 and the coarse familiarity of proximity1 the arrival in an unknown town1 the miseries of the hotel chamber without the care of ,mlle4 ,trapenard1 who had become necessary to him1 although he was as ignorant of it as a child4 ,this thinker1 so heroically independent that he would have marched to martyrdom for his convictions1 with the firmness of a ,bruno or a ,vanini1 was seized by a sort of vertigo at the picture of an event so ordinary4 ,he saw himself in the ,hall of ,assizes1 constrained to answer questions1 in the presence of an attentive crowd1 and that without an idea to support him against his native timidity4 8,i will never receive a young man again10 he concluded1 8yes1 ,i will shut my door henceforth4 ,but ,i will not anticipate4 ,perhaps ,i shall not have to go through this unpleasant task and all is ended4 ,ended80 ,and already the home-keeping citizen gave place in this inward monologue to the second person hidden within the philosopher1 namely1 the writer of books which were discussed with passion by the public4 8,ended80 ,yes1 for him who comes and goes1 who lives in the ,rue ,guy de la ,brosse and who would be very much annoyed if he had to go to ,auvergne in the winter1 it may be4 ,but what about my books and my ideas8 ,what a strange thing is this instinctive hate of the ignorant for the systems which they cannot even comprehend4 8,a jealous young man murders a young girl to prevent her marrying another4 ,this young man has been in correspondence with a philosopher whose works he studies4 ,it is the philosopher who is guilty4 ,and ,i am a materialist forsooth1 ,i who have proved the nonexistence of matter60 ,he shrugged his shoulders1 then a new image crossed his memory1 the image of ,marius ,dumoulin1 the young substitute at the ,college of ,france1 the man whom he most detested in the world4 ,he saw1 as if they were there before his eyes1 some of the formul so dear to this defender of spiritualism3 8,fatal doctrines4 ,intellectual poison distilled from pens which one would like to believe are unconscious4 ,scandalous exposure of a psychology of corruption40 8,yes10 said ,adrien ,sixte to himself with bitterness1 8if some one does not catch up this chance which makes an assassin of one of my pupils1 it will not be he6 ,psychology will have done it all40 ,it is proper to state that1 ,dumoulin had1 on the appearance of the 8,anatomy of the ,will10 pointed out a grave error4 ,adrien ,sixte had based one of his most ingenious chapters upon a so-called discovery of a ,german physician which was proved to be incorrect4 ,perhaps ,dumoulin dwelt on this inadvertence of the great analyst with a severity of irony far too disrespectful4 ,m4 ,sixte1 who rarely noticed criticisms1 had replied to this one4 ,while confessing the error1 he proved without any trouble1 that this point of detail did not affect the thesis as a whole4 ,but he cherished an unpardonable rancor against the spiritualist4 8,it is as if ,i heard him60 thought ,sixte4 8,what he may say of my books is nothing but psychology8 ,psychology6 ,this is the science on which depends the future of our beloved ,france40 ,as we see1 the philosopher1 like all other systematics1 had reached the point where he made his doctrines the pivot of the universe4 ,he reasoned about like this3 ,given a historic fact1 what is the chief cause of it8 ,the general condition of mind4 ,this condition is derived from the current ideas4 ,the ,french ,revolution1 for example1 proceeded entirely from a false conception of man which springs from the ,cartesian philosophy and from the 8,discourse on ,method40 ,he concluded that to modify the march of events1 it was necessary to modify the received notions upon the human mind1 and to install in their place some precise notions whence would result a new education and politics4 ,so in his indignation against ,dumoulin he sincerely believed that he was indignant at an obstacle to the public good4 ,he had some unpleasant moments while thus figuring to himself this detested adversary1 taking as a text the death of ,mlle4 de ,jussat for a vigorous sortie against the modern science of the mind4 8,shall ,i have to answer him again80 asked ,sixte1 who already was sure of the attack of his rival1 such power have the passions to consider real that which they only imagine4 8,yes10 he insisted1 and then aloud1 8,i will reply in my best manner60 ,he was by this time behind the apsis of ,notre ,dame and he stopped to survey the architecture of the cathedral4 ,this ancient edifice symbolized to him the complex character of the ,german intellect which he contrasted in thought with the simplicity of the ,hellenic mind1 reproduced for him in a photograph of the ,parthenon1 which he had often contemplated in the ,library of ,nancy4 ,the remembrance of ,germany changed the current of his thoughts for a moment4 ,he recalled1 almost unconsciously1 ,hegel1 then the doctrine of the identity of contrarieties1 then the theory of evolution which grew out of it4 ,this last idea1 joined itself to those which had already agitated him1 and resuming his walk1 he began to argue against the anticipated objections of ,dumoulin in the case of young ,greslon4 ,for the first time the drama of the ,chteau ,jussat-,randon appeared real to his mind1 for he was thinking of it with the most real part of his nature1 his psychologic faculty4 ,he forgot ,dumoulin as well as the inconveniences of the possible journey to ,riom1 and his mind was completely absorbed by the moral problem which the crime presented4 ,the first question would naturally have been3 8,did ,robert ,greslon really assassinate ,mlle4 de ,jussat80 ,but the philosopher did not think of that1 yielding to this defect of generalizing minds1 that never more than half verify the ideas upon which they speculate4 ,facts are1 to them1 only matter for theoretic using1 and they distort them wilfully the better to build up their systems4 ,the philosopher again took up the formula by which he summed up this drama3 8,a young man who becomes jealous and commits a murder1 this is one more proof in support of my theory that the instinct of destruction and that of love awake at the same time in the male40 ,he had used this principle to write a chapter of extraordinary boldness on the aberrations of the generative faculty in his #8,theory of the ,passions4' ,the reappearance of fierce animality among the civilized would alone suffice to explain this act4 ,it would be necessary also to study the personal heredity of the assassin4 ,he forced himself to see ,robert ,greslon without any other traits than those which confirmed the hypothesis already outlined in his mind4 8,those very brilliant black eyes1 those too vivacious gestures1 that brusque manner of entering into relations with me1 that enthusiasm in speaking to me1 there was nervous derangement in this fellow4 ,the father died young8 ,if it could be proved that there was alcoholism in the family1 then there would be a beautiful case of what ,legrand ,du ,saulle calls pilepsie larve4 ,in this way his silence may be explained1 and his denials may be sincere4 ,this is the essential difference between an epileptic and the deranged4 ,the last remembers his act1 the epileptic forgets them4 ,would this then be a larval epileptic80 ,at this point of his reverie the philosopher experienced a moment of real joy4 ,he had just constructed a building of ideas which he called an explanation1 following the habit so dear to his race4 ,he considered this hypothesis from different points1 recalling several examples cited by his author in his beautiful treatise on forensic medicine1 until he arrived at the ,jardin des ,plantes1 which he entered by the large gate of the ,quay ,saint ,bernard4 ,he turned to the right into an avenue planted with old trees whose distorted trunks were inclosed in iron and coated with whitewash4 ,there floated in the air a musty smell emanating from the tawny beasts which moved around in their barred cages nearby4 ,the philosopher was distracted from his meditations by this odor1 and he turned to look at a large1 old wild-boar with an enormous head1 which1 standing on his slender feet1 held his mobile and eager snout between the bars4 8,and10 thought the savant1 8we know ourselves but little better than this animal knows himself4 ,what we call our person is a consciousness so vague1 so disturbed by operations which are going on within us10 and returning to ,robert ,greslon3 8,who knows8 ,this young man who was so preoccupied by the multiplicity of the self8 ,did he not have an obscure feeling that there were in himself two distinct conditions1 a primary and secondary condition as it were--two beings in fact1 one1 lucid1 intelligent1 honest1 loving works of the intellect1 the one whom ,i knew2 and another1 gloomy1 cruel1 impulsive1 the one who has committed murder4 ,evidently this is a case4 ,i am very happy to have come across it40 ,he forgot that on leaving the ,palais de ,justice he had deplored his relations with the accused4 8,it will be a fortunate thing to study the mother now4 ,she will furnish me with facts about the ancestors4 ,that is what is lacking to our psychology2 good monographs made de visu upon the mental structure of great men and of criminals4 ,i will try to write out this one40 ,all sincere passion is egoistic1 the intellectual as well as the others4 ,thus the philosopher1 who would not have harmed a fly walked with a more rapid step in going toward the gate at the ,rue ,cuvier whence he would reach the ,rue ,jussieu1 then the ,rue ,guy de la ,brosse--he was about to have an interview with a despairing mother who was coming1 without doubt1 to entreat him to aid her in saving the head of a son who was perhaps innocent6 ,but the possible innocence of the prisoner1 the grief of the mother1 the part which he himself would be called to play in this novel scene1 all were effaced by the fixed idea of the notes to be taken1 of the little insignificant facts to be collected4 ,four o'clock struck when this singular dreamer1 who no more suspected his own ferocity than does a physician who is charmed by a beautiful autopsy1 arrived in front of his house4 ,on the threshold of the porte cochre were two men3 ,father ,carbonnet and the commissionaire usually stationed at the corner of the street4 ,with their back turned to the side from which ,adrien ,sixte came1 they were laughing at the stumblings of a drunken man on the opposite walk1 and saying such things as a spectacle of that character suggests to the common people4 ,the cock ,ferdinand1 brown and lustrous1 hopped about their feet and picked between the stones of the pavement4 8,that fellow has taken a drop too much for sure10 said the commissionaire4 8,what if ,i should tell you10 responded ,carbonnet1 8that he has not drunk enough8 ,for if he had drunk more1 he would have fallen down at the wineseller's4 ,good6 see him stumble up against the lady in black40 ,the two speakers1 who had not seen the philosopher1 continued to bar the way4 ,the last2 with the customary amenity of his manners1 hesitated to disturb them4 ,mechanically he turned his eyes in the direction of the drunken man4 ,he was an unfortunate fellow in rags2 his head was covered with a high hat weakened by innumerable falls2 his feet danced in his wornout boots4 ,he had just knocked against a person in deep mourning who was standing at the angle of the ,rue ,guy de la ,brosse and the ,rue ,linn4 ,without doubt she was looking at some one on the side of this latter street1 some one in whom she was interested1 for she did not turn at once4 ,the man in rags1 with the persistency of drunken people1 was excusing himself to this woman1 who then first became aware of his presence4 ,she drew back with a gesture of disgust4 ,the drunken man became angry1 and supporting himself against the wall1 hurled at her some offensive language2 a crowd of children soon collected around him4 ,the commissionaire began to laugh1 and so did ,carbonnet4 ,then turning around to look for the cock1 muttering3 8,where has he gone to crow1 the runaway80 he saw ,adrien ,sixte1 behind whom ,ferdinand had taken refuge1 and who was also regarding the scene between the drunken man and the unknown lady4 8,ah6 ,monsieur ,sixte10 said the concierge1 8that lady in black has been twice to ask for you in the last quarter of an hour4 ,she said that you were expecting her40 8,bring her here10 responded the savant4 8,it is the mother10 thought he4 ,his first impulse was to go in at once1 then a kind of timidity came over him1 and he remained at the door while the concierge1 followed by the cock1 went over to the group collected on the corner of the street4 ,the woman no sooner heard ,carbonnet's words than she turned toward the philosopher's house1 leaving ,ferdinand's master to scold the drunkard4 ,the philosopher1 instinctively continuing his reasoning1 instantly noticed a singular resemblance between the mysterious person and the young man about whom he had been questioned4 ,there were the same bright eyes1 in a very pale face1 and the same cast of features4 ,there was not the least doubt1 and immediately the implacable psychologist1 curious only about a case to be studied1 gave place to the awkward1 simple-minded man1 unskillful in practical life1 embarrassed by his long body and not knowing how to say the first word4 ,mme4 ,greslon1 for it was she1 relieved him by saying3 8,i am1 monsieur1 the person who wrote to you yesterday40 8,very much honored1 madame10 stammered the philosopher1 8,i regret that ,i was not at home earlier4 ,but your letter said four o'clock4 ,and then ,i have just come from the ,judge of ,instruction1 where ,i was summoned to testify in the case of this unhappy child40 8,ah6 monsieur10 said the mother1 touching ,m4 ,sixte upon the arm to call his attention to the commissionaire who stood in the angle of the door to listen4 8,i beg your pardon10 said the savant1 who comprehended the cruelty of his abstraction4 8,permit me to pass before you to show you the way40 ,he proceeded to mount the stairs which began to be dark at this time of a winter's day4 ,he went up slowly to suit the lassitude of his companion1 who held by the rail1 as if she had scarcely energy enough to ascend the four flights4 ,her short breath which could be heard in the provincial silence of this empty house1 betrayed the feebleness of the unhappy woman4 ,as little sensitive as was the philosopher to the outer world1 he was filled with pity when1 entering his study with its closed shutters which the fire and the lamp already lighted by his servant softly illumined1 he saw his visitor face to face4 ,the wrinkle plowed from the corners of the mouth to the ala of the nose1 the lips scorched by fever1 the eyebrows contracted1 the darkness about the eyelids1 the nervousness of the hands in their black gloves1 in which she held a roll of paper1 without doubt some justifying memoir--all these details revealed the torture of a fixed idea2 and scarcely had she fallen into a chair when she said in a broken voice3 8,my ,god6 my ,god6 ,i am then too late4 ,i wished to speak to you1 monsieur1 before your conversation with the judge4 ,but you defended him1 did you not8 ,you said that it was not possible2 that he had not done what they accuse him of8 ,you do not believe him guilty1 monsieur1 you whom he called his master1 you whom he loved so much80 8,i did not have to defend him1 madame10 said the philosopher2 8,i was asked what had been my relations with him1 and as ,i had seen him only twice1 and he spoke only of his studies----0 8,ah60 interrupted the mother with an accent of profound anguish2 and she repeated3 8,i have come too late4 ,but no10 she continued1 clasping her trembling hands4 8,you will go before the ,court of ,assizes to testify that he cannot be guilty1 that you know he cannot be8 ,one does not become an assassin1 a poisoner1 in a day4 ,the youth of criminals prepares the way for their crimes4 ,they are bad persons1 gamblers1 frequenters of the saloons4 ,but he has always been with his books1 like his poor father4 ,i used to say to him3 #8,come1 ,robert run out1 you must take the air1 you must amuse yourself4' ,if you could have seen what a quiet little life we lead1 he and ,i1 before he went into this accursed family4 ,and it was for my sake that he should not cost me anything more that he went into it1 and that he might go on with his studies40 8,he would have been admitted in three or four years and then perhaps have taken a position in a lyceum at ,clermont4 ,i should have had him marry4 ,i have seen a good parti for him4 ,i should have remained with him1 in some corner1 to take care of his children4 ,ah6 monsieur60 and she sought in the philosopher's eyes1 a response in harmony with her passionate desire2 8tell me1 if it is possible for a son who had such ideas to do what they say he has done8 ,it is infamous2 is it not infamous1 monsieur80 8,be calm1 madame1 be calm40 ,these were the only words which ,adrien ,sixte could find to say to this mother who wept over the ruin of her most cherished hopes4 ,beside1 being still under the impression of his conversation with the judge1 she seemed to him to be so wildly beyond the truth1 a prey to illusions so blind that he was stupefied1 and also1 why not confess it8 the renewed prospect of the journey to ,riom frightened him as much as the grief of the mother affected him4 ,these different impressions showed themselves in his manner by an uncertainty1 an absence of warmth which did not deceive the mother4 ,extreme suffering has infallible intuitions of instinct4 ,this woman understood that the philosopher did not believe in the innocence of her son1 and with a gesture of extreme depression1 recoiling from him with horror1 she moaned3 8,monsieur1 you too1 you are with his enemies4 ,you--you80 8,no1 madame1 no10 gently responded ,adrien ,sixte1 8,i am not an enemy4 ,i ask nothing better than to believe what you believe4 ,but you will permit me to speak frankly8 ,facts are facts1 and they are terribly against him4 ,the poison bought clandestinely1 the bottle thrown out of the window1 the other bottle half emptied then refilled with water1 the going out of the girl's room on the night of her death2 the false dispatch1 his sudden departure1 those burned letters1 and then his denial of it all40 8,but1 monsieur1 there is no proof in all that10 interrupted the mother1 8no proof at all4 ,what of his sudden departure8 ,he had been wishing for more than a month to get away from the place1 ,i have a letter in which he speaks of his plan1 and beside his engagement was almost at an end4 ,he fancied that they wished to retain him and he was tired of the life of a tutor1 and then1 as he is so timid1 he gave a false pretext and invented this unfortunate dispatch that is all4 ,and as to the poison he did not buy it secretly4 ,he has suffered for years from a stomach trouble4 ,he has studied too hard immediately after his meals4 ,who saw him go out of that room8 ,a servant6 ,what if the real murderer paid this servant to accuse my son8 ,do we know anything about this girl's intrigues and who were interested in killing her80 8,do you not see that all these and the letters and the bottle are parts of the plan for making suspicion fall on him8 ,how8 ,why8 ,that will be found out some day4 ,but what ,i do know is that my son is not guilty4 ,i swear it by the memory of his father4 ,ah6 do you believe ,i would defend him like this if ,i felt him to be a criminal8 ,i would ask for pity1 ,i would weep1 ,i would pray1 but now ,i cry for justice1 justice6 ,no1 these people have no right to accuse him1 to throw him into prison1 to dishonor our name1 for nothing1 for nothing4 ,you see1 monsieur1 ,i have shown you that they have not a single proof40 8,if he is innocent1 why this obstinacy in keeping silent80 asked the philosopher1 who thought that the poor woman had shown nothing except her desperation in struggling against the evidence4 8,ah6 if he were guilty he would talk10 cried ,mme4 ,greslon1 8he would defend himself1 he would lie6 ,no10 added she in a hollow voice1 8there is some mystery4 ,he knows something1 that ,i am sure of1 something which he does not wish to tell4 ,he has some reason for not speaking4 ,perhaps he does not wish to dishonor this young girl1 for they claim that he loved her4 ,oh6 monsieur1 ,i have wanted to see you at any risk1 for you are the only one who can make him speak1 who can make him tell what he has resolved not to tell4 ,you must promise me to write to him1 to go to him4 ,you owe this to me10 she insisted in a hard tone4 8,you have made me suffer so much40 8,i80 exclaimed the philosopher4 8,yes1 you10 replied she bitterly1 and as she spoke her face betrayed the strength of old grudges2 8whose fault is it that he has lost faith8 ,yours1 monsieur1 through your books4 ,my ,god6 ,how ,i did hate you then6 ,i can still see his face when he told me he would not commune on ,all-,soul's day1 because he had doubts4 #8,and thy father8' said ,i to him1 #8,all-,soul's day6' said he3 #8,leave me alone1 ,i do not believe in that any longer1 that is done with4' ,he was sitting at his table and he had a volume before him which he closed while he was talking to me4 ,i remember4 ,i read the name of the author mechanically4 ,it was yours1 monsieur4 8,i did not argue with him that day2 he was a great savant already1 and ,i a poor1 ignorant woman4 ,but the next day1 while he was at college ,i took ,m4 the ,abb ,martel1 who had educated him1 into his room to show him the library4 ,i had a presentiment that it was the reading which had corrupted my son4 ,your book1 monsieur1 was still on the table4 ,the abb took it up and said to me3 #8,this is the worst of them all4' 8,monsieur1 pardon me1 if ,i wound you1 but do you see1 if my son were still a ,christian1 ,i would go and pray his confessor to command him to speak4 ,you have taken away his faith1 monsieur1 ,i do not reproach you any more2 but what ,i would have asked of the priest1 ,i have come to ask of you4 ,if you had heard him when he came back from ,paris6 ,he said to me1 speaking of you3 #8,if you knew him maman1 you would venerate him1 for he is a saint4' ,ah6 promise me to make him speak4 ,let him speak for me1 for his father1 for those who love him1 for you1 monsieur1 who cannot have had an assassin for a pupil4 ,for he is your pupil1 you are his master2 he owes it to you to defend himself1 as much as to me his mother40 8,madame10 said the savant with deep seriousness1 8,i promise you to do all that ,i can40 ,this was the second time to-day that this responsibility of master and pupil had been thrust upon him4 ,once by the judge1 repelled by the resistance of the thinker who repels with disdain a senseless reproach4 ,the words of this good woman1 quivering with this human grief to which he was so little accustomed1 touched other fibres than those of pride4 ,he was still more strangely affected when ,mme4 ,greslon1 seizing his hand with a gentleness which contradicted the bitterness of her last words1 said3 8,he spoke the truth when he said you were good4 ,i came too10 she continued drying her tears1 8to requite myself of a commission with which the poor child charged me4 ,and see if there is not in it a proof that he is innocent4 ,in his prison during these two months1 he has written a long work on philosophy4 ,he considers it by far his best work and ,i am charged to hand it to you40 ,she gave the savant the roll of paper which she had held on her lap4 8,it is just as he gave it to me4 ,they let him write as much as he likes1 everybody loves him4 ,they do not allow me to speak to him except in the frightful parlor where there is always the guard between us4 ,will you look80 she insisted1 and in an altered tone3 8,he has never lied to me1 and ,i believe whatever he has told me4 ,if1 however1 he had only thought to write to you what he will not confide to any one else80 8,i will see immediately10 said ,adrien ,sixte1 who unfolded the roll4 ,he threw his eyes over the first page of the manuscript and he saw the words3 8,modern ,psychology10 then on the second sheet another title1 8,memoir upon ,myself10 and underneath were the following lines3 8,i write to my dear master4 ,monsieur ,adrien ,sixte1 and engage his word to keep to himself the pages which follow4 ,if he do not agree to make this engagement with his unhappy pupil1 ,i ask him to destroy this manuscript1 confiding in his honor not to deliver it to any one whomsoever1 even to save my life40 ,and the young man had simply signed his initials4 8,well80 asked the mother as the philosopher continued to turn over the leaves1 a prey to profound anxiety4 8,well60 responded he1 closing the manuscript and holding the first page before the curious eyes of ,mme4 ,greslon1 8this is only a work on philosophy1 as he told you4 ,see40 ,the mother had a question on her lips1 and suspicion in her eyes while she was reading the technical formula which was unintelligible to her poor mind4 ,she had observed ,adrien ,sixte's hesitation4 ,but she did not dare to ask1 and she rose saying3 8,you will excuse me for having kept you so long1 monsieur4 ,i have placed my last hope upon you1 and you will not deceive a mother's heart4 ,i carry your promise with me40 8,all that it will be possible for me to do that the truth may be known10 said the philosopher gravely1 8,i will do1 madame1 ,i promise you again40 ,when he had conducted the unhappy woman to the door1 and was again alone in his study ,adrien ,sixte remained for a long time plunged in reflection4 ,taking up the manuscript1 he read and reread the sentence written by the young man1 and pushing away the tempting manuscript1 he paced the floor4 ,twice he seized the sheets and approached the fire1 but he did not throw them into the flames4 ,a combat was going on in his mind between a devouring curiosity1 and apprehensions of very different kinds4 ,to contract the engagement which this reading would impose on him1 and to learn what could be learned from these pages would throw him1 perhaps1 into a horrible situation4 ,if he were going to hold in his hands the proof of the young man's innocence without the right to use it1 or what he suspected still more1 the proof of his guilt1 what then8 ,without being conscious of it he trembled in his inmost nature1 lest he find in this memoir if there were crime1 the trace of his own influence1 and the cruel accusations already twice formulated1 that his books were mixed up with this sinister history4 ,on the other hand1 the unconscious egoism of studious men who have a horror of all confusion1 forbade him to enter any further into a drama with which he had definitely nothing to do4 8,no10 he concluded1 8,i will not read this memoir2 ,i will write to this boy as ,i have promised the mother to do1 then it will be ended40 ,however1 his dinner had come in the midst of his reflections4 ,he ate alone1 as always1 seated in the corner by a porcelain stove1 the weather being very chilly1 the heat was his only comfort1 and before a little round table1 covered with a piece of oilcloth4 ,the lamp which served for his work lighted his frugal repast1 consisting1 as usual1 of soup and one dish of vegetables with some raisins for dessert1 and for drink water alone4 ,ordinarily he took one of the books which had been exiled from the too-crowded study1 or he listened while ,mlle4 ,trapenard exposed the details of the housekeeping4 ,on this evening he did not look for a book1 and his housekeeper tried in vain to discover if the lady's visit and the summons had any connection4 ,the wind rose1 a winter's wind whose plaint from across the empty space died gently against the shutters4 ,seated in his armchair after his dinner1 with ,robert ,greslon's manuscript before him1 the savant listened for a long time to this monotonous but sad music4 ,his hesitation returned4 ,then psychology drove away all scruples1 and when later ,mariette came to announce that his bed was ready1 he told her to retire4 ,two o'clock struck and he was still reading the strange piece of self-analysis which ,robert ,greslon called a memoir upon himself1 but whose correct title should have been3 8,confession of a ,young ,man of the ,period40 ,,iv4 ,,confession ,,of ,a ,,young ,,man ,,of ,,the ,,period4 8,,the ,,jail ,,at ,,riom1 ,january1 #ahhg4 8,i ,,write to you1 monsieur1 this memoir of myself which ,i have refused to the counsel in spite of my mother's entreaties4 ,i write it to you1 who in reality know so little of me1 and at what a moment of my life6 for the same reason that led me to bring my first work to you4 ,there is my illustrious master1 between you and myself1 your pupil accused of a most infamous crime1 a bond which men could not understand1 and of which you yourself are ignorant1 but which ,i feel to be as close as it is indissoluble4 ,i have lived with your thought1 and by your thought so passionately1 so entirely at the most decisive period of my life6 ,now in the distress of my mental agony1 ,i turn to the only being of whom ,i can expect hope1 implore aid4 8,ah6 do not misunderstand me1 venerated master1 and believe that the terrible trouble with which ,i am struggling is caused by the vain forms of justice which surround me4 ,i should not be worthy the name of philosopher if ,i had not1 long ago1 learned to consider my thought as the only reality1 and the external world an indifferent and fatal succession of appearances4 ,from my seventeenth year1 ,i have adopted as a rule to be repeated in the hours of small or great annoyances1 the formula of our dear ,spinoza3 #8,the force by which man perseveres in existence is limited1 and that of external causes infinitely surpass it4' 8,i shall be condemned to death in six weeks1 for a crime of which ,i am innocent1 and from which ,i can not clear myself1 you will understand why1 after having read these pages--and ,i shall go to the scaffold without trembling4 ,i shall support this event with the same effort at composure as if a physician1 after having auscultated me1 should diagnose an advanced disease of the heart4 ,condemned1 ,i shall have to conquer first the revolt of the animal nature and then to support myself against the despair of my mother4 8,i have learned from your works the remedy for such feelings1 and in opposing to the image of approaching death the sentiment of inevitable necessity1 and in diminishing the vision of my mother's grief by the recollection of the psychological laws which govern consolations1 ,i shall arrive at a relatively calm state of mind4 ,certain sentences of yours will suffice for this1 that1 for example1 in the fifth chapter of the second volume of your 8,anatomy of the ,will10 which ,i know by heart3 8#8,the universal interweaving of phenomena causes each to bear the weight of all the others1 in the same way that each portion of the universe1 and at each moment1 may be considered as a rsum of all that has been1 of all that is1 and of all that will be4 ,it is in this sense that it is permissible to say that the world is eternal in its detail as well as in its whole4' 8,what a sentence1 and how it envelops1 as well as affirms and demonstrates the idea that everything is necessary in and around us since we too are a parcel and a moment of this eternal world6 ,alas6 why is it that this idea which is so lucid when ,i reason1 as one ought to reason1 with my mind1 and in which ,i acquiesce with all the strength of my being1 cannot overcome in me a species of suffering so peculiar1 which invades my heart when ,i recall certain actions which ,i have willed1 and others of which ,i am the author1 although indirectly1 in the drama through which ,i have passed8 8,to tell you all in a few words1 my dear master1 though once more ,i say that ,i did not kill ,mlle4 de ,jussat1 ,i have been connected in the closest manner with the drama of her poisoning1 and ,i feel remorse1 although the doctrines in which ,i believe1 the truths which ,i know1 and the convictions which form the essence of my intellect1 make me consider remorse the most silly of human illusions4 8,these convictions are powerless to procure me the peace of certainty1 which once was mine4 ,i doubt with my heart that which my mind recognizes as truth4 ,i do not think that for a man whose youth was consumed by intellectual passions1 there can be a worse punishment than this4 ,but why try to interpret by literary phrases a mental condition which ,i wish to expose to you in detail--to you the great connoisseur in maladies of the mind--in order that you may give me the only aid which can do me any good2 some word which shall explain me to myself1 which shall attest to me that ,i am not a monster1 which shall sustain me in the disorder of my beliefs1 which shall prove to me that ,i have not been deceived all these years1 in adhering to the new faith with all the energy of a sincere being4 8,indeed1 my dear master1 ,i am very miserable1 and ,i must speak out all my misery4 ,to whom shall ,i address myself1 if not to you1 since ,i should have no hope of being intelligible to any one not familiar with the psychology in which ,i have been educated4 8,since coming to this prison1 two months ago1 the moment ,i resolved to write to you has been the only one in which ,i have been what ,i was before these terrible events occurred4 ,i had tried to become absorbed in some work of an entirely abstract order1 but found myself unable to master it4 8,i have considered only this for four days1 and1 thanks to you1 the power of thought has returned4 ,i have found something of the pleasure which was mine when ,i wrote my first essays1 in resuming1 for this work1 the cold severity of my method--your method4 ,i wrote out yesterday a plan of this monograph of my actual self1 in practising the division by paragraphs which you have adopted in your works4 ,i have proved the persistent vigor of my reflection in reconstructing my life from its origin1 as ,i would resolve a problem of geometry by synthesis4 8,i see distinctly at the present time that the crisis from which ,i suffer has for its factors1 first my heredities1 then the medium of ideas in which ,i was educated1 finally the medium of facts into which ,i was transplanted by my introduction among the ,jussat-,randons4 ,the crisis itself and the questions which it raises in my mind shall be the last fragments of a study which ,i shall strip of insignificant recollections1 to reduce it to what a master of our time calls generatrices4 ,at least ,i shall have furnished you an exact document upon the modes of feeling which ,i formerly believed to be very precious and very rare1 and ,i shall have proved to you in two ways1 first by my confidence in your absolute discretion1 and second by my appeal for your philosophical support1 what you have been to him who writes these lines1 and who asks your pardon for this long preamble and begins at once his dissection40 ,i4 ,,my ,,heredities4 ,as far back as ,i can remember1 ,i find that my dominant faculty1 the one that has been present in every crisis of my life1 great or small1 and which is present to-day1 has been the faculty1 ,i mean the power and the need of duplication4 ,there have always been in me1 as it were1 two distinct persons2 one who went1 came1 acted1 felt1 and another who looked at the first go1 come1 act1 and feel with an impassable curiosity4 ,at this very hour and knowing that ,i am in prison1 accused of a capital crime1 blasted in honor1 and overwhelmed in sadness1 knowing that it is this very ,i1 ,robert ,greslon1 born at ,clermont the #eth of ,september1 #ahfe1 and not another1 ,i think of this situation as a spectacle at which ,i am a stranger4 ,is it even exact to say ,i8 ,evidently not4 ,for my true self is1 properly speaking1 neither the one who suffers not the one who looks on4 ,it is made up of both1 and ,i have had a very clear perception of this duality1 although ,i was not then capable of comprehending this psychological disposition exaggerated to an anomaly1 from my childhood1 the childhood which ,i wish to recall with the impartiality of a disinterested historian4 ,my first recollections are of the city of ,clermont-,ferrand1 and of a house which stood on a promenade now very much changed by the recent construction of the artillery school4 ,the house1 like all the houses in this city1 was built of ,volvic stone1 a gray stone which darkens with age1 and which gives to the tortuous streets the appearance of a city of the middle ages4 ,my father1 who died when ,i was very young1 was of ,lorraine extraction4 ,he held at ,clermont the position of engineer of roads and bridges4 ,he was a slender man of feeble health1 with a face almost beardless1 and marked with a melancholy serenity which touched me1 when ,i think of him1 after all these years4 ,i see him again in his study1 through whose windows may be viewed the immense plain of the ,limagne1 with the graceful eminence of the ,puy de ,croul quite near1 and in the distance the dark line of the mountains of ,forez4 ,the railway station was near our house1 and the whistling of the trains was constantly heard in this quiet study4 ,i used to sit on the carpet in the corner by the fire1 playing without making any noise1 and this strident call produced on my mind a strange impression of mystery1 of distance1 of the flight of time1 and of life which endures to the present4 ,my father traced with his chalk upon a blackboard enigmatic signs1 geometric figures or algebraic formulas1 with that clearness of the curves1 or the letters which revealed the habitual method of his being4 ,at other times he wrote1 standing at an architect's table which he preferred to his desk1 a table consisting simply of a white wood board placed on trestles4 ,the large books on mathematics arranged with the most minute care in the bookcase1 and the cold faces of savants1 engraved in copperplate and framed under glass1 were the only objects of art with which the walls were decorated4 ,the clock which represented the globe of the world1 two astronomical maps which hung above the desk1 and upon this desk the calculating ruler with its figures and its copper slide1 the square1 the compass1 the ,t rule4 ,i recall them all1 at will1 the smallest details of this room whose whole atmosphere was thought1 and these images aid me to comprehend how from my infancy the dream of a purely ideal and contemplative existence became elaborated in me1 favored by heredity4 ,my later reflections have shown me1 in several traits of my character1 the result transmitted under form of instinct of the life of abstract study that my father led4 ,i have1 for example1 always felt a singular horror of action1 so much so that1 making a simple visit caused my heart to pant and the slightest physical exercise was intolerable to me1 such as wrestling with another person2 even to discuss my most cherished ideas appeared to me1 and still appears1 almost impossible4 ,this dread of action is explained by the excess of brainwork which1 pushed too far1 isolates man in the midst of the realities which he hardly endures1 because he is not habitually in contact with them4 ,i feel that this difficulty of adapting myself to facts comes to me from this poor father2 from him also comes this faculty of generalization1 which is the power1 but at the same time the mania of my mind2 and it is also his work that a morbid predominance of the nervous system has rendered my will so wild at certain times4 ,my father1 who was still young when he died1 had never been robust4 ,he was obliged at the growing age to undergo the trial of preparation for the ,polytechnic ,school which is ruinous to the soundest health4 ,with narrow shoulders and with limbs weakened by long sittings at sedentary meditations1 this savant with transparent hands seemed to have in his veins1 instead of red globules of generous blood1 a little of the dust of the chalk which he handled so much4 ,he did not transmit to me muscles capable of counterbalancing the excitability of my nerves1 so that with this faculty of abstraction1 ,i owe to him a kind of ungovernable intemperance of desire4 ,every time that ,i have ardently wished for anything it has been impossible to repress this covetousness4 ,this is a hypothesis which has often come to me when ,i have been analyzing myself1 that abstract natures are more incapable than others of resisting passion1 when passion is aroused1 perhaps because the daily relation between action and thought is broken in them4 ,fanatics would be the most signal proofs of this4 ,i have seen my father1 usually so patient and gentle1 so overcome by the violence of anger as almost to faint4 ,in this ,i am also his son1 and through him the descendant of a grandfather as ill-balanced1 a sort of primitive genius1 who1 half-peasant1 had risen by force of mechanical inventions to be a civil engineer1 and was then ruined by lawsuits4 ,on this side of my race there has always been a dangerous element1 something wild1 at times1 by the side of constant intellectuality4 ,i formerly considered this double nature a superior condition2 the possible ardor of passion joined with this continuous energy of abstract thought4 ,it was my dream to be at the same time frenzied and lucid1 the subject and the object1 as the ,germans say1 of my analysis2 the subject who studies himself and finds in this study a means of exaltation and of scientific development4 ,alas6 ,whither has thy chimera led me8 ,but it is not the time to speak of effects1 we are still with the causes4 ,among the circumstances which affected me during my childhood1 ,i believe the following to be one of the most important3 ,every ,sunday morning1 and as soon as ,i could read1 my mother took me with her to mass4 ,this mass was celebrated at eight o'clock in the ,church of the ,capuchins recently built on a boulevard shaded by ,plantanes which led from ,sablon ,court to ,laureau ,square1 along the ,jardin des ,plantes4 ,at the door of the church1 there used to sit1 in front of a portable shop1 a cake seller called ,mother ,girard1 with whom ,i was well acquainted1 for ,i had bought of her little bunches of cherries in the spring4 ,this was the first fruit of the season that ,i might eat4 ,this dainty1 acid and fresh1 was one of the sensualities of these days of childhood1 and any one who had observed me1 might have seen this frenzy of desire of which ,i have spoken4 ,i was almost in a fever when on my way to this shop4 ,this was not the only reason why ,i preferred the ,church of the ,capuchins with its extremely plain architecture1 to the subterranean crypts of ,notre-,dame-du-,port and to the vaults of the cathedral upheld by it elegant clustered columns4 ,at the ,capuchins the choir was closed4 ,during the offices1 invisible mouths behind the grating chanted the canticles1 which strangely effected my childish imagination2 they seemed to me to come from so far off1 an abyss or a tomb4 ,i looked at my mother praying beside me with the fervor which was shown in her smallest actions1 and ,i thought that my father was not there1 that he never came to church4 ,my child's brain was so puzzled by this absence1 that1 one day1 ,i asked3 8,why does not papa come to mass with us80 ,my inquiring child's eyes had no trouble to see the embarrassment into which this question threw my mother4 ,she withdrew from it1 however1 by an answer analogous to hundreds of others which a woman so essentially enamored of fixed principles and of obedience has since given me4 8,he goes to another mass1 at an hour which suits him better1 and then ,i have already told you that children ought never to ask why their parents do this or that40 ,all the difference of mind which separated my mother and myself is found in this sentence1 uttered one cold morning in winter1 while walking under the trees of ,sablon ,court4 ,i can see her now in her pelerine1 her hands in her muff lined with brown silk from which her book came halfway out1 and the sincerity of her face even in her pious falsehood4 ,i can see her eyes1 which so many times since have regarded me with a look which did not comprehend me1 and at this period she did not suspect that for my meditative childish nature to think1 was already to ask1 always and in relation to everything2 why8 ,yes1 why had my mother deceived me8 ,for ,i knew that my father went to no kind of office4 ,and why did he not go8 ,while the grave and sad voices of the concealed monks were intoning the responses of the mass1 ,i was absorbed in this question4 ,i knew without being able to appreciate the reasons of the superiority that my father was accounted among the first of the city4 ,how many times in walking were we stopped by some friend1 who tapping me on the cheek would say3 8,well1 will we get to be a great savant like the father some day80 ,when my mother took his advice1 she listened with the greatest respect4 ,she thought it natural that he did not perform certain duties which1 for us1 were obligatory4 ,we had not the same duties4 ,this idea was not formulated then in my childish brain with this positive distinctness1 but it developed there the germ of that which later became one of the convictions of my youth--to know that the same rules do not govern intellectual minds that control other men4 ,it was there in that little church1 quietly bending over my prayer book1 that the great principle of my life had birth1 not to consider as a law for thinking men that which is and ought to be a law for others--just as ,i received from the conversations with my father1 during our excursions1 the first germs of my scientific view of the world4 ,the country around ,clermont is marvelous1 and although ,i am the reverse of poetical1 a man for whom the external world means very little1 ,i have always retained in my memory the pictures of the landscapes which surrounded these walks4 ,while the city on one side looks toward the plain of the ,limagne1 on the other it stands on the foothills of the ,dme ,mountains4 ,the slope of the extinct craters1 the undulations caused by old eruptions and the streams of hardened lava give to the outlines of these volcanic mountains a resemblance to the landscapes in the moon as discovered by the telescope in that dead planet4 ,on one side is the savage and sublime memorial of the most terrible convulsions of the globe1 and on the other the prettiest rusticity of stony roads among the vineyards1 of murmuring brooks under the willows and chestnuts4 ,the great pleasures of my childhood were the interminable wanderings with my father in all the paths which lead from the ,puy de ,croul to ,gergovie1 from ,royat to ,durtol1 from ,beaumont to ,gravenoire4 ,simply in writing these names1 my memory rejuvenates my heart4 ,i see myself again the little boy1 whom a portrait represents with long hair1 with his legs in cloth leggings1 who walks along holding his father's hand4 ,whence came this love for the fields to him1 the learned mathematician1 the man of study and of reflection8 ,i have often thought of it since1 and ,i believe ,i have discovered a law of the development of mind2--our youthful tastes persist even when we are developed in a sense contrary to them1 and we continue to exercise these tastes while justifying them by intellectual reasons which would exclude such things4 ,i will explain4 ,my father naturally loved the country because he was brought up in a village1 and when he was small had passed whole days on the banks of the brooks among the insects and the flowers4 ,instead of yielding to these tastes in a simple manner1 he mingled them with his present occupations4 ,he would not have pardoned himself for going to the mountains without studying there the formation of the land2 for looking at a flower without determining its character and discovering its name2 for taking up an insect without recalling its family and its habits4 ,thanks to the rigor of his method in all work he arrived at a very complete knowledge of the country2 and1 when we walked together1 this knowledge was the sole subject of our conversation4 ,the landscape of the mountains became a pretext for explaining to me the revolutions of the earth2 he passed from that with a clearness of speech which made such ideas intelligible to me1 to the hypothesis of ,laplace upon nebula1 and ,i saw distinctly in my imagination the planetary protuberances flying off from the burning nucleus1 from this torrid sun in rotation4 ,the heavens at night in the beautiful summer months became a kind of map which he deciphered for me1 and on which ,i distinguished the ,pole ,star1 the seven stars of the ,chariot1 ,vega of the ,lyre1 ,sirius1 all those inaccessible and formidable worlds of which science knows the volume1 the position and almost the very metals of which they are composed4 ,it was the same with the flowers which he taught me to arrange in an herbarium1 with the stones which ,i broke with a little iron hammer1 with the insects which ,i fed or pinned up1 as the case might be4 ,long before object lessons were practiced in the college my father applied to my education first this great maxim3 8,give a scientific account of anything we may encounter40 ,thus reconciling the pleasantry of his first impressions with the precision acquired in his mathematical studies4 ,i attribute to this teaching the precocious spirit of analysis which was developed in me during my early youth1 and which1 without doubt1 would have turned toward the positive studies if my father had lived4 ,but he could not complete this education1 undertaken after a prepared plan of which ,i have since found trace among his papers4 ,in the course of one of our walks1 and on one of the warmest days of summer1 in my tenth year1 we were overtaken by a storm which wet us to the bones4 ,during the time that it required to reach home in our soaked clothes my father took cold4 ,in the evening he complained of a chill4 ,two days after an inflammation of the lungs declared itself1 and the week following he died4 ,as ,i wish1 in this summary indication of diverse causes which formed my mind1 to avoid at any cost that which ,i hate most of anything in the world1 the display of subjective sentimentality1 ,i will not recount to you1 my dear master1 any further details of this death4 ,they were heartrending1 but ,i felt their sadness only in a far-off way1 and that later4 ,i recollect1 though ,i was a large and remarkably developed boy1 to have felt more wonder than sorrow4 ,it is now that ,i truly regret my father--that ,i comprehend what ,i lost in losing him4 ,i believe you have seen exactly what ,i owe to him2 the taste and the facility for abstraction1 the love of the intellectual life1 faith in science and the precocious management of method--these for the mind2 for the character1 the first divination of the pride of intellect1 and also an element slightly morbid1 this difficulty of action which has as its consequence the difficulty in resisting the passions when one is tempted4 ,i wish also to mark distinctly what ,i owe to my mother4 ,and from the first ,i perceive this fact that this second influence acts upon me by reaction1 while the first had acted directly4 ,to speak truly1 this reaction only began when she became a widow and wished to direct my education4 ,until then she had entirely given me up to my father4 ,it may seem strange that1 alone in the world1 she and ,i1 she so energetic1 so devoted1 and ,i so young1 we did not live1 at least during those years1 in perfect communion of heart4 ,there exists in fact1 a rudimentary psychology for which these words--mother and son--are synonyms of absolute tenderness1 of perfect agreement of soul4 ,perhaps it is so in the families of ancient tradition1 although in human nature ,i believe very little in the existence of entire sympathy between persons of different ages and sexes4 ,in any case1 modern families present under conventional etiquette the most cruel phenomena of secret divorce1 of complete misunderstanding1 sometimes of hate1 which are too well understood when we think of their origin4 ,they come from the mixture for a hundred years of province with province1 race with race1 which has charged the blood of nearly all of us with hereditary opposites4 ,so people find themselves nominally of the same family who have not a common trait either in their moral or mental structures2 consequently the daily intimacy between persons becomes a cause of daily conflicts or of constant dissimulation4 ,my mother and ,i are an example of it which ,i would qualify as excellent1 if the pleasure of finding very clear proof of a psychologic law was not accompanied by keen regret at having been its victims4 ,my father1 ,i have told you1 was an old pupil of the ,polytechnic ,school and the son of a civil engineer4 ,i have also said he was of ,lorraine race4 ,there is a proverb which says3 8,lorraine traitor to its king and even to ,god40 ,this epigram expresses in a unique form the idea that there is something complex in the mind of this frontier population4 ,the people of ,lorraine have always lived on the border of two races and of two existences1 the ,german and the ,french4 ,what is this disposition to treachery if not the depravity of another taste1 admirable from the intellectual point of view1 that of sentimental complication8 ,for my part1 ,i attribute to this atavism the power of doubling of which ,i spoke at the beginning of this analysis4 ,i ought to add that1 when ,i was a child1 ,i often felt a strange pleasure in disinterested simulation which proceeded from the same principle4 ,i recounted to my comrades all sorts of inexact details concerning myself1 about my place of birth1 my father's birthplace1 about a walk which ,i was intending to take1 and this not to boast1 but simply to be some one else4 ,i found singular pleasure later in advancing opinions the most opposed to those which ,i considered the true ones from the same bizarre motive4 ,to play a rle different from my true nature appeared to me an enrichment of my person1 so strong was the instinct to resolve myself into a character1 a belief1 a passion4 ,my mother is a woman of the ,south1 absolutely rebellious against all complexity1 to whom ideas of things alone are intelligible4 ,in her imagination the forms of life are reproduced concrete1 precise and simple4 ,when she thinks of religion1 she sees her church1 her confessional1 the communion cloth1 the few priests whom she has known1 the catechism in which she studied4 ,when she thinks of a career1 she sees positive activity and benefits4 ,the professorate1 for example1 which she desired me to enter1 was for her ,m4 ,limasset1 the professor of mathematics1 the friend of my father1 and she saw me1 like him1 going across the city twice a day in an alpaca coat and ,panama hat in summer1 and my feet protected in winter by clogs1 and my body in a furred overcoat1 with a fixed salary1 the perquisites of private tuition and the sweet assurance of a pension4 ,i have been able by studying her to learn how completely this order of imagination renders those whom it governs incapable of comprehending other souls4 ,it is often said of such people that they are despotic and personal1 or that they have bad characters4 ,in reality1 they are before those with whom they associate like a child before a watch4 ,he sees the hands move1 he knows nothing of the wheels which make them move4 ,so when these hands do not go to suit his fancy there is the stupidity of impatience to force them and to warp the springs4 ,my poor mother was like this with me1 and that from the week which followed our trouble4 ,i felt almost immediately an indefinable discomfort in her presence4 ,the first circumstance which enlightened me in regard to this separation which had begun between us1 so far as my childish mind could be enlightened1 dates from an afternoon of autumn1 nearly four months after my father's death4 ,the impression received was so strong that ,i recall it as if it had happened yesterday4 ,we had changed apartments1 and had rented the third floor of a house in the ,rue ,billard1 a narrow lane which distorts the shadows of ,des ,petits-,abres1 in front of the palace of the ,prefecture4 ,my mother had chosen it because there was a balcony in which ,i was playing on this beautiful afternoon4 ,my play--you will here recognize the scientific turn given by my father to my imagination--consisted in taking a pebble1 which represented a great explorer1 from one end of the balcony to the other1 and among other stones which ,i had taken from the flower pots4 ,some of these stones represented cities1 others curious animals of which ,i had read descriptions4 ,one of the parlor windows opened on the balcony4 ,it was partly open1 and my play having led me thither ,i heard my mother talking to a visitor4 ,i could not help listening with that beating of the heart which the hearing my personality discussed has always produced4 ,i learned afterward that between our real nature and the impression produced on our relations1 and even on our friends1 there is no more similarity than there is between the exact color of the face and its reflection in a blue1 green1 or yellow glass4 8,perhaps10 said the visitor1 8you are mistaken in regard to poor ,robert1 at ten years the character is not at all formed40 8,god grant that it may be so10 replied my mother1 8but ,i am afraid he has no heart4 ,you cannot imagine how hard he has been since his father's death4 ,the next day even he seemed to have forgotten all about it4 ,and he has never said a word since--such a word as makes you feel that one is thinking of another you now4 ,when ,i speak to him of his father1 he hardly answers me4 ,you would think he had never known the man who was so good to him40 ,i have read somewhere that when ,merime was quite a child he was one day scolded by his mother and then sent out of the room4 ,he was scarcely gone when his mother burst out laughing4 ,the child heard the laugh which showed him that the irritation had been feigned1 and he felt a feeling of distrust rise in his heart which always remained4 ,this anecdote impressed me very strongly4 ,the impression of the celebrated writer offered a startling analogy with the effect which this fragment of conversation produced upon me4 ,it was very true that ,i never spoke of my father1 but how false that ,i had forgotten him6 ,on the contrary1 ,i thought of him constantly4 ,i never walked along the street1 ,i could not look at any piece of our furniture without the remembrance of his death taking such possession of me that ,i was almost ill4 ,but with this was mingled a fearful astonishment that he had gone forever1 and it was all confounded in a kind of anxious apprehension1 which closed my mouth when any one talked with me about him4 ,i know now that my mother could have known nothing of the workings of my mind4 ,but1 at that time1 as ,i heard her thus condemn my heart1 ,i experienced a profound humiliation4 ,it seemed to me that she was not acting toward me as it should be her duty to act4 ,i felt that she was unjust1 and because ,i was timid1 being still a young boy and shy1 ,i became irritated at her injustice1 instead of trying to tell her how ,i felt4 ,from that moment it became impossible for me to show myself to her as ,i was4 ,and whenever her eyes sought mine to learn my emotions ,i felt an irresistible desire to conceal from her my inmost being4 ,that was the first scene--if anything so insignificant can be dignified by so big a name--followed by a second which ,i will notice in spite of its apparent unimportance4 ,children would not be children if the events important to their sensibility were not puerile4 ,i was1 at this period1 already passionately fond of reading1 and chance had put into my hands a very different kind of books from those which are given as prizes at school4 ,it was this way3 although my father as a mathematician knew little of general literature1 he loved a few authors whom he understood in his way2 and when afterward ,i found some of his notes on these authors1 ,i learned to appreciate the degree to which the feeling for literature is a personal1 irreducible1 incommensurable thing to borrow a word from his favorite science there is no common measure between the reasons for which two minds like or dislike the same writer4 ,among other works my father owned a translation of ,shakespeare in two volumes1 which they put on my chair to raise my seat at table4 ,they left me without thinking how these volumes illustrated by engravings would very soon incite my curiosity to read the text4 ,there was a ,lady ,macbeth rubbing her hands in presence of a frightened physician and a servant1 and ,othello entering ,desdemona's chamber with a poniard in his hand1 and bending his black face toward the white1 sleeping form1 a ,king ,lear tearing his clothing under the zigzags of the lightning1 a ,richard ,,iii4 asleep in his tent and surrounded by specters4 ,from the accompanying text ,i read1 before my tenth year1 fragments which made me familiar with all these dramas which exalted my imagination1 in so far as ,i could seize the meaning of them1 without doubt because they were written for popular audiences1 and admit an element of primitive poetry1 and an infantine exaggeration4 ,i loved these kings1 who1 joyous or despairing1 defiled past at the head of their armies1 who lost or gained battles in a few minutes1 ,i enjoyed this slaughter accompanied by a flourish of trumpets behind the scenes1 the rapid passages from one country to another1 and the chimerical geography4 ,in brief1 whatever there is in these dramas and especially in the chronicles that is very much abridged1 almost rudimentary1 so charmed me1 that when ,i was alone ,i played with the chairs1 imagining them to be ,lancaster1 ,warwick1 or ,gloucester4 ,my father1 who had an extreme repugnance to the troublesome realities of life1 relished in ,shakespeare that which is simple and touching1 the profiles of women so delicately drawn2 ,imogene and ,desdemona1 ,cordelia and ,rosalind pleased him1 though the comparison may seem strange1 for the same reason that he enjoyed the romances of ,dickens1 ,topffer and even the child's play of ,florian and ,berquin4 ,here we may see the contrasts which prove the incoherence of artistic judgments which are founded upon sentimental impression4 ,i also read all these books1 and those of ,walter ,scott1 as well as the rural tales of ,george ,sand1 in an illustrated edition4 ,it would certainly have been better for me not to have nourished my imagination on elements so incongruous and sometimes dangerous4 ,but at my age ,i could not understand more than a quarter of the sentences1 and while my father was toiling at his blackboard1 combining his formulas1 ,i believe that the lightning might have struck the house without his knowing it1 carried away as he was by the all-powerful demon of abstraction4 ,my mother1 to whom this demon is as much a stranger as the beast of the ,apocalypse1 did not wait long1 after the first hours of our trouble had passed1 before she rummaged the room in which ,i studied2 and1 under an exercise1 she discovered a large1 open book--,scott's 8,ivanhoe40 8,what book is this80 she asked1 8who permitted you to take it80 8,but ,i have read it once already10 ,i replied4 8,and these80 she continued1 in looking over the little library where by the side of schoolbooks1 were1 beside the ,shakespeare1 the 8,nouvelles ,gnevoises0 and 8,nicholas ,nickleby10 8,rob ,boy0 and 8,la ,mare au ,diable40 8,these are not suitable for a person of your age10 she insisted1 8and you may help me carry all these books into the parlor1 and put them in your father's library40 ,so ,i carried them1 three at a time1 some almost too heavy for my small arms1 into the cool room furnished in haircloth4 ,with her white hands in their black mitts1 she took the books and arranged them alongside of the big treatises on mathematics4 ,she closed the glass door of the bookcase1 locked it1 and put the key on the ring with others1 which she always carried with her4 ,then she added severely3 8,when you wish a book you may ask me for it40 ,i ask her for one of those books1 but which one8 ,i knew so well that she would refuse me all those which ,i had any desire to read6 ,i have already shown too plainly that we did not think alike on any point4 ,i complain of her having put a stop to my liveliest pleasure1 less perhaps because of the prohibition than for the reason she gave4 ,for she believed it to be her duty to repeat the phrases on the danger of romances1 no doubt borrowed from some manual of piety1 which appeared to me to express exactly the contrary to that which ,i had experienced4 ,she made the danger ,i had run in this indiscriminate reading the pretext for occupying herself more closely with my studies and directing my education4 ,this was her duty1 but the contrast was too great between the ideas into which my father had precociously initiated me and the poverty of her mind1 which was furnished with impressions positive1 mean1 and almost vulgar4 ,i went to walk with her now1 and she talked with me4 ,her conversation was confined to my bearing1 my manners1 my little comrades1 and their parents4 ,my intellect1 which had been too early trained in the pleasure of thought1 felt stifled and oppressed4 ,the motionless landscape of extinct volcanoes recalled to me the grand convulsions of the terrestrial drama which my father formerly traced4 ,the flowers which ,i plucked my mother would hold for a few minutes1 and then let fall almost without looking at them4 ,she was ignorant of their names1 as she was of those of the insects which she compelled me to throw down as soon as ,i had picked them up1 saying they were unclean and venomous4 ,the roads among the vines no longer led to the discovery of the vast world to which the genial word of the dead had invited me4 ,they were simply a continuation of the streets of the city and the misery of daily cares4 ,i seek in vain for suitable words to express the vague and singular ennui of a mutilated mind1 of a rarefied atmosphere which these walks inflicted on me4 ,language was created by men to express the ideas of men4 ,the terms are lacking which correspond to the incomplete perceptions of children1 to their penumbra of soul4 ,how can ,i tell the suffering1 which ,i did not myself comprehend1 of a mind in which were fermenting high and broad conceptions1 of a brain upon the border of the great intellectual horizon1 and which had to submit to the unconscious tyranny of another brain1 narrow and weak1 a stranger to all general ideas1 to every view either ample or profound8 ,now that ,i have passed through this period of repressed and thwarted youth1 ,i interpret the smallest episodes by the laws of the constitution of mind1 and ,i take into account that fate1 in confiding the education of such a child as ,i was to the woman who was my mother1 had associated two forms of thought as irreducible the one to the other as two different species4 ,these details1 in which ,i find the proof of this constitutive antithesis between our two natures1 come to me by thousands4 ,i have said enough on this point so that ,i may content myself by noting with precision the result of this silent collision of our minds1 and to borrow formulas in the philosophic style1 ,i believe1 that by this wrong education1 two germs were prepared in me3 the germ of a sentiment and the germ of a faculty2 the sentiment was that of the solitude of the individual1 the faculty that of internal analysis4 ,i have said that in the order of sensibility as in that of thought1 ,i had almost immediately felt that ,i could not show myself to my mother as ,i was4 ,i thus learned1 though ,i was scarcely born into the intellectual life that there is in us an obscure incommunicable element4 ,this was in my case a timidity at first--then it grew into a pride4 ,but have not all forms of pride a common origin8 ,not to dare to show ourselves is to become isolated2 and to become isolated is very soon to prefer one's self4 ,i have since found1 in some recent philosophers1 ,m4 ,renan1 for example1 this sentiment of the solitude of the soul1 but it was transformed into a triumphant and transcendental disdain2 ,i have found it changed into disease and barrenness in the ,adolphe of ,benjamin ,constant1 aggressive and ironical in ,beyle4 ,in the poor little collegian of a provincial lyceum1 who trotted through the slippery streets of his mountain town in winter1 with his cartable under his arm and his feet in galoshes1 it was only an obscure and painful instinct2 but this instinct1 after being applied to my mother1 grew more and more applying itself to my comrades and to my masters4 ,i felt that ,i was different from them with this difference3 ,i believed that ,i understood them perfectly and that they did not understand me4 ,reflection has taught me that ,i did not understand them any better than they understood me2 but ,i also see now that there was really this difference between us1 that they accepted their person and mine simply1 purely1 bravely1 while ,i had already begun to complicate myself by thinking too much of myself4 ,if ,i had very early felt that1 contrary to the word of ,christ1 ,i had no neighbor1 it was because ,i had begun very early to exasperate the consciousness of my own soul1 and consequently to mate of myself an exemplaire1 without analogy1 of excessive individual sensibility4 ,my father had endowed me with a premature curiosity of mind4 ,as he was not there to direct me toward the world of positive knowledge1 this curiosity fell back upon myself4 ,the mind is a living creature1 and as with all other creatures1 every power is accompanied by a want4 ,it would be necessary to reverse the old proverb and say3 ,to be able is to wish4 ,a faculty in us always leads to the wish to exercise it4 ,mental hereditary and my early education made an intellectual being of me before my time4 ,i continued to be such a being1 but all my intellect was applied to my own emotions4 ,i became an absolute egoist with an extraordinary energy of disdain with regard to everyone else4 ,these traits of my character appeared later under the influence of the crises of ideas though which ,i have passed and of which ,i owe you the history4 ,,ii4 ,,the ,,medium ,,of ,,ideas4 ,the diverse influences which ,i have just rather abstractly summarized1 but in terms which you will understand1 my dear master1 had first this unexpected result1 to make of me a very pious child1 between my eleventh and my fifteenth year4 ,if ,i had been placed in the college as a boarder1 ,i should have grown like my comrades whom ,i have since studied and for whom there has never been a religious crisis4 ,at the period of which ,i am writing1 and which marked the definite advent of the democratic party in ,france1 a great wave of free thought rolled from ,paris into all the provinces2 but ,i was the son of a very devout woman1 and ,i was subjected to all the observances of religion4 ,i find a proof of what ,i have told you of my precocious taste for analysis in the fact that unlike all my young companions1 ,i was delighted with the confessional4 ,i can say that1 during the four years of the mystic crisis of youth1 from #ahgf to #ahhj1 the great events of my life were these long sances in the narrow wooden box in the church ,des ,minimes1 which was our parish church1 where ,i went every fortnight to kneel down and speak in a low voice1 with a beating heart1 of what was passing within me4 ,the approach of my first communion marked the birth of this feeling for the confessional1 mixed with contradictory elements4 ,i believed1 consequently1 my little sins appeared to me to be veritable crimes1 and to confess them made me ashamed4 ,i repented1 and ,i had the certainty that ,i rose pardoned1 with the delight of a conscience washed from every stain4 ,i was an imaginative and nervous child1 and there was for me in the scenery of the sacrament1 in the cold silence of the church1 in the odor of vault and incense which filled it1 in the stammering of my own voice saying1 8,my father10 and in the whispering of the priest responding1 8my son10 from behind the grating1 a poetry of mystery which ,i felt without understanding4 ,united with this1 there was a singular impression of fear1 which was derived from the teaching of ,abb ,martel1 the priest who prepared us for our first communion4 ,he was a small1 short man1 with an apoplectic face1 and a grave1 hard blue eye1 a man who had been educated in a provincial seminary still penetrated with ,jansenism4 ,his eyes1 when from the pulpit of ,des ,minimes he was talking to us of hell1 saw visions of terror1 and this sensation he communicated to us4 ,i rejoice that he is dead1 for if he were living ,i might see him enter my prison1 and who knows what might happen then8 ,perhaps ,i should suffer a recurrence of those emotions of terror which his presence used to inflict4 ,the constant themes of his discourse were the small number of the elect and the divine vengeance4 8,who could hinder ,god10 said the priest1 8since he is all-powerful1 from forcing the soul of the man who has committed murder to remain near the body from which it is separated8 ,the soul would be there1 in the mortuary chamber1 hearing the sobs1 seeing the tears of the friends1 and yet forbidden to console them4 ,it would be imprisoned in the winding-sheet1 and there during days and days and nights and nights it would be present at the corruption of the flesh1 which was once its own1 there among the worms and the rot40 ,such images and such ferocity of invention abounded in his bitter mouth2 they followed me into my sleep2 the fear of hell was excited in me almost to madness4 ,the ,abb ,martel employed the same eloquence in presenting the decisive importance to our salvation which the approach to the communion table would have1 and so my fear of eternal punishment led to a scrupulous examination of my conscience4 ,soon these close meditations1 this looking as through a magnifying glass at my slightest deviations1 this continuous scrutiny of my inmost self1 interested me to such a degree that no sport had any attraction for me in comparison4 ,i had found1 for the first time since the death of my father1 an employment for this power of analysis which was already definitive and almost constitutive in me4 ,the development thus given to my acute sense of the inner life ought to have produced an amelioration of my moral being4 ,on the contrary1 it resulted in a subtility which1 in itself alone1 was a corruption1 at least from the point of view of strict ,catholic discipline4 ,i became1 in the course of these examinations of conscience1 into which entered more of pleasure than of repentance1 extremely ingenious1 and discovering peculiar motives behind my most simple actions4 ,the ,abb ,martel was not a psychologist sufficiently acute to discern this shadow and to comprehend that to cut the soul to pieces in this way would lead me to prefer the fleeting complexities of sin to the simplicity of virtue4 ,he recognized only the zeal of a very fervent child4 ,for example1 on the morning of my first communion ,i went in tears to confess to him once more4 ,in turning over and over again the soil and the subsoil of my memory1 ,i had discovered a singular sin1 the fear of man4 ,six weeks before1 ,i had heard two boys1 my comrades1 at the door of the ,lyceum1 mocking an old lady who was entering the church ,des ,carmes1 just opposite4 ,i had laughed at their words instead of reproving them4 ,the old lady was going to mass2 to ridicule her was to ridicule a pious action4 ,i had laughed1 why8 from false shame4 ,then ,i had participated in it4 ,was it not my duty to find the two mockers and to show them their impiety1 and make them promise repent8 ,i had not done so4 ,why8 ,from false shame2 from respect for man1 according to the definition of the catechism4 ,i passed the whole night preceding the great day of the first communion in wondering if ,i could see the ,abb ,martel early enough the next day to confess this sin4 ,i recall the smile with which he tapped my cheek after having given me absolution in order to quiet me4 ,i hear the tone of his voice which had grown very sweet as he said to me3 8,may you always be what you are now40 ,he did not suspect that this puerile scruple was the sign of an exaggeratedly unhealthy reflection1 nor that this reflection would poison the delights of the ,eucharist for which ,i had so ardently wished4 ,i had not been satisfied1 in the course of the preceding weeks1 to analyze the conscience to its most delicate fibres1 ,i had abandoned myself to the imagination of sentiment which is the forced consequence of this spirit of analysis4 ,i had anticipated with extreme precision the sentiments which ,i should experience in receiving the host upon my lips4 ,in my imagination ,i advanced toward the rail of the altar which was draped in a white cloth1 with a tension of my whole being which ,i have never since experienced1 and ,i felt1 in communing1 a kind of chilling deception1 an ecstatic exhaustion of which ,i cannot describe the discomfort4 ,i have since spoken of this impression to a friend who was still a ,christian and he said3 8,you were not simple enough40 ,his piety had given to him the insight of a professional observer4 ,it was too true4 ,but what could ,i do8 ,the great event of my youth1 which was the loss of my faith1 did not1 however1 date from this deception4 ,the causes which determined this loss were very numerous1 and ,i have never clearly comprehended them until now4 ,they were slow and progressive at first1 and acted upon my mind as the worm upon the fruit1 devouring the interior without any other sign of this ravage than a small speck1 almost invisible1 on the beautiful purple rind4 ,the first was1 it seems to me1 the application to my confessor of this terrible critical spirit1 a faculty destructive of all confidence1 which1 from my infancy1 had so separated me from my mother4 ,i pushed my examinations of conscience to the most subtle delicacy and still the ,abb ,martel did not perceive this work of secret torture which completely anatomatized my soul4 ,my scruples appeared to him1 as they were1 childish2 but they were the childishness of a very complex boy1 and one who could not be directed unless he might feel that he was understood4 ,in my conversations with this rude and primitive priest ,i soon experienced the contrary feeling4 ,this was enough to deprive this director of my youth of all authority over my mind4 ,at the same time1 and this is the second of the causes which detached me from the church1 ,i found among men whom ,i then considered superior the same indifference to religious observances that ,i had observed in my father4 ,i knew that the young professors1 those who had come from ,paris with the prestige of having gone through the ,normal ,school1 were all atheists and skeptics4 ,i heard the abb pronounce these words with concentrated indignation1 in the visits which he made to my mother4 ,when ,i accompanied her to the offices of ,des ,minimes as ,i had formerly to those of the ,capuchins1 ,i reflected on the poverty of intellect of the devotees who crowd to mass on ,sunday mornings and mutter their prayers in the silence of the ceremony1 broken only by the noise of displaced chairs4 ,the flame of a clear and living thought had never been lighted in the heads that bowed with so submissive a fervor at the elevation of the host4 ,i did not at that time formulate this contrast with this distinctness1 but ,i recalled the picture of those young masters as they emerged from the ,lyceum1 talking with each other in conversations which ,i imagined were like those of my father1 where the smallest sentence was charged with science2 and a spirit of doubt arose in my mind as to the intellectual value of ,catholic beliefs4 ,this distrust was fed by a kind of nave ambition which made me desire with an incredible ardor to be as intelligent as the most intelligent and not to vegetate among those of second rank4 ,i confess that a good deal of pride was mingled with this desire1 but ,i do not blush at this avowal4 ,it was a purely intellectual pride1 completely foreign to any desire for outward success4 ,and1 if ,i hold myself erect at this moment1 and in this fearful drama1 ,i owe it first of all to this pride--it is this which permits me to describe my past with this cold lucidity1 instead of running away like an ordinary suspect1 from the noisy events of this drama4 ,i can see so clearly that the first scenes of this tragedy began with the college youth in whom was acting the young man of to-day4 ,the third of the causes which concurred in this slow disintegration of my ,christian faith was the discovery of contemporaneous literature1 which dates from my fourteenth year4 ,i have told you that my mother1 shortly after my father's death1 suppressed certain books4 ,this severity had not relaxed with time1 and the key of the paternal bookcase continued to click on the steel ring between that of the pantry and of the cellar4 ,the most evident result of this prohibition was1 to heighten the charm of the remembrance which these books had left of the half-comprehended pieces from ,shakespeare1 and the half-forgotten romances of ,george ,sand4 ,chance willed that1 at the commencement of my thirteenth year1 ,i should come across some examples of modern poetry in the book of ,french authors which served for the year's recitations4 ,there were fragments of ,lamartine1 a dozen of ,hugo's pieces1 the 8,stances la ,malibran0 of ,alfred de ,musset1 some bits of ,sainte-,beuve1 and of ,leconte de ,lisle4 ,these pages were sufficient to make me appreciate the absolute difference of inspiration between the modern and the ancient masters1 as one can appreciate the difference of aroma between a bouquet of roses and a bouquet of lilacs1 with his eyes shut4 ,this difference1 which ,i divine by an unreasoning instinct1 resides in the fact that1 until the ,revolution1 writers had never taken sensibility as the subject and the only rule of their works4 ,it has been the contrary since eighty-nine4 ,from this there results among the new writers a certain painful1 ungovernable something1 a search after moral and physical emotion which has become almost morbid1 and which attracted me immediately4 ,the mystical sensuality of the 8,stances du ,lac0 and of the 8,crucifix10 the changing splendors of several 8,orientales10 fascinated me2 but above all ,i was charmed at something culpable which breathes in the eloquence of 8,l',espoir en ,dieu0 and in some fragments of the 8,consolations40 ,i began to feel for the rest of the works of these masters that strong and almost insane curiosity which marks the middle period of adolescence4 ,one is then on the border of life1 and he hears without seeing1 as it were1 the murmur of a waterfall through a cluster of trees1 and how this sound intoxicates him with expectation6 ,a friendship with a comrade who lived on the first floor of our house exasperated this curiosity still more4 ,this friend1 who died young1 and who was named ,emile1 was also an inveterate reader1 but more fortunate than ,i1 he suffered from no surveillance4 ,his father and mother1 who were already old1 lived on a small income and passed the long hours of the day in playing1 in front of the window which opened on the ,rue de ,billard1 interminable games of bezique1 with cards bought in a caf and still smelling of tobacco4 ,emile alone in his room1 could abandon himself to all his fancies in reading4 ,as we were in the same class1 and as we went to and from the ,lyceum together1 my mother willingly permitted me to pass whole hours with this charming lad1 who soon shared my taste for the verses which ,i so much admired1 and my desire to know more of their authors4 ,on our way to the college1 we took the narrow streets of the old town and passed the stall of an old bookseller of whom we had bought some second-hand classics4 ,we discovered here a copy of the poetry of ,musset in rather a bad condition1 which would cost forty sous4 ,at first we contented ourselves with occasional readings at the stall1 but soon we felt that it was impossible to do without it4 ,by putting together our spending money for two weeks1 we were able to buy it1 and then1 in ,emile's little room1 he on his bed and ,i on a chair1 we read ,don ,paez1 the ,marrons du feu1 ,portia1 ,mardoche and ,rolla4 ,i trembled as if ,i were committing a great fault1 and we imbibed this poetry as if it had been wine1 slowly1 sweetly1 passionately4 ,i read afterward in this same room1 and also in my own1 thanks to the ruses of a lover in danger1 many clandestine volumes which ,i very much enjoyed1 from the 8,peau de chagrin10 of ,balzac1 to the 8,fleurs du mal10 of ,baudelaire1 not to mention the poems of ,heinrich ,heine and the romances of ,stendhal4 ,i have never felt an emotion comparable to that of my first encounter with the genius of the author of 8,rolla40 ,i was neither an artist nor a historian4 ,was ,i therefore indifferent to their value more or less real or their meaning more or less actual8 ,not at all4 ,this was an elder brother who had come to reveal to me the dangerous world of sentimental experience4 ,the intellectual inferiority of piety to impiety which ,i had obscurely felt appeared now in a strangely new light4 ,all the virtues that had been preached to me in my childhood seemed poor and mean and humble1 and meaner beside the opulence and the frenzy of certain vices4 ,the devotees who were my mother's friends1 sadly old and shriveled1 represented faith4 ,impiety was a handsome young man who awakes and looks at the crimson aurora1 and in a glance discovers the whole horizon of history and legends1 and then again lays his head on the bosom of a girl as beautiful as his most beautiful dream4 ,chastity and marriage were the bourgeois whom ,i knew who went to hear the music in the ,jardin des ,plantes1 every ,thursday and ,sunday1 and who said the same things in the same way4 ,my imagination painted1 in the chimerical colors of the most burning poetry1 the faces of the libertines of the ,contes d',espagne and of the fragments which follow4 ,there was ,dalti murdering the husband of ,portia1 then wandering with his mistress over the dark waters of the lagoon among the stairways of the antique palaces4 ,there were ,don ,paez assassinating ,juana after folding her to himself in a fond embrace2 ,frank and his ,belcolore1 ,hassan and his ,namouna1 l',abb ,cassio and his ,luzon4 ,i was not competent to criticize the romantic falsity of all this fine setting1 nor to separate the sincere from the literary portion of these poems4 ,the complete profligacy of soul appeared to me through these lines1 and it tempted me2 it excited in my mind1 already eager for new sensations1 the faculty of analysis already too much aroused4 ,the other works which ,i have cited were the pretext for a temptation which was similar but not so strong4 ,in the contemplation of the sores of the human heart which they exposed with so much complaisance1 ,i was like those saints of the middle ages who were hypnotized by contemplation of the wounds of the ,saviour4 ,the strength of their piety caused the miraculous stigmata to appear on their hands and the ardor of my imagination1 at the age of holy ignorances and immaculate purities1 opened in my soul the stigmata of moral ulcers which are draining the life blood of all the great modern invalids4 ,yes1 in the years when ,i was only the collegian1 the friend of little ,emile1 ,i assimilated in thought the emotions which the timid teachings of my masters indicated as the most criminal4 ,my mind was tainted with the most dangerous poisons1 while1 thanks to my power of duplication1 ,i continued to play the part of a very good child1 very assiduous at my tasks1 very submissive to my mother1 and very pious4 ,but no4 ,however strange this must appear to you1 ,i did not play that rle4 ,i was pious1 with a spontaneous contradiction which1 perhaps1 has directed my thought to the psychological work to which ,i consecrated my first efforts4 ,when ,i read in your work on the will those suggestive indications on the theory of the multiplicity of self1 ,i seized upon them immediately1 after having passed through such epochs as ,i am describing to you to-day and in which ,i have really been several distinct beings4 ,this crisis of imaginative sensibility had continued the attack upon my religious faith by offering the temptation of subtile sin and also that of painful scepticism4 ,the sensuality crisis which resulted from it failed to revive this faith in my heart4 ,i ceased to be pure when ,i was seventeen years old1 and this happened as usual1 in very dull and prosaic circumstances4 ,from that time1 beside the two persons who already existed in me1 between the youth who was still fervent1 regular1 pious1 and the youth romantically imaginative1 a third individual was born and grew1 a sensual being1 tormented by the basest desires4 ,however1 the taste for the intellectual life was so strong1 so definite1 that although suffering from this singular condition1 ,i felt a sensation of superiority in recognizing and studying it4 ,what was more strange1 ,i did not yield to this last disposition more than ,i did to the others1 with a clear and lucid consciousness4 ,i remained a youth through all these troubles1 that is to say a being still uncertain and incomplete1 a being in whom could be discerned the lineaments of the soul to come4 ,i did not assert my mysticism1 for at bottom ,i was ashamed to believe1 as if to believe were something inferior2 nor my sentimental imaginations1 for ,i considered them as simple sports of literature2 nor my sensuality for ,i was disgusted with it4 ,and beside1 ,i had neither the theory nor the audacity of my curiosity in regard to my faults4 ,emile1 who died the following winter1 of disease of the lungs1 was very ill at this time and did not go out of the house4 ,he listened to my confidences with a frightened interest which flattered my self-love by making me think that ,i was different from others4 ,this did not prevent my being afraid1 as on the evening before my first communion1 at the look which l',abb ,martel gave me when he met me4 ,he had without doubt spoken to my mother-so far as the secrecy of the confessional permitted1 for she watched my goings out but without the power to hinder them entirely1 and above all without suspecting any other than the possible causes of temptation1 so well did ,i envelop myself in hypocrisy4 ,the illness of my best friend1 the surveillance of my mother1 the apprehension of the priest's eyes enervated me1 and perhaps the more that it seemed in this volcanic country as if the summer's heat drew from the sun a more ardent and intoxicating vapor4 ,i knew at that time1 days literally maddening1 so made up were they of contradictory hours1 days in which ,i arose a more fervent ,christian than ever4 ,i read a little in the 8,imitation10 ,i prayed1 ,i went to my class with the firm determination to be perfectly regular and good4 ,as soon as ,i returned ,i prepared my lessons1 then ,i went down to ,emile's room4 ,we gave ourselves up to the reading of some exciting book4 ,his father and mother1 who knew that he could not live1 humored him in everything and allowed him to take from the library any work that he pleased4 ,we now had in hand the most modern writers1 whose books having recently come from ,paris1 exhaled an odor of new paper and fresh ink4 ,in this way we brought upon ourselves a chill of the brain which accompanied me all the afternoon after ,i returned to my classroom4 ,there1 in the stifling heat of the day1 ,i could see through the open door1 the short shadows of the trees in the yard1 and hear the far-off voices of some professor dictating the lessons2 ,i could see the figure of ,marianne1 and then began a temptation which at first was vague and remote1 but which grew and continued to grow4 ,i resisted it1 while knowing that ,i should succumb1 as if the struggle against my obscure desire made me the more feel its strength and acuteness4 ,i went home4 ,i hurried through my duties with a kind of diabolical verve1 finding some power in the disorder of my too susceptible nerves4 ,after dinner ,i went downstairs under pretext of seeing ,emile and hastened toward ,marianne's4 ,on my return ,i passed some hours at my window1 looking at the stars of the vast sky of summer1 recalling my dead father1 and what he had said to me of these far-off worlds4 ,then an extraordinary impression of the mystery of nature would seize me1 of the mystery of my own soul1 living in the midst of nature1 and ,i do not know which ,i admired more1 the depths of the taciturn heavens1 or the abysses which a day thus employed revealed in my heart4 ,such were the habits of my inner life1 my dear master1 when ,i entered the class which would decide my development--the class of philosophy4 ,my enchantment began in the first week of the course4 ,what a course1 however1 and how crammed with the rubbish of the classic psychology6 ,no matter1 inexact and incomplete official and conventional as it was1 this psychology enamored me4 ,the method employed1 the personal reflection and the minute analysis3 the object to be studied1 the human 8,i10 considered in his faculties and passions2 the result sought1 a system of general ideas capable of summing up in brief formulas a vast pile of phenomena2 all in this new science1 harmonized too well with the species of mind which my heredity1 my education1 and my own tendencies had fashioned in me4 ,i forgot even my favorite reading and plunged into these works of an order until now unknown with the more frenzy that the death of my only friend which occurred at this time imposed on my mind1 which was naturally so meditative1 this problem of destiny which ,i already felt myself powerless to solve by my early faith4 ,my ardor was so lively that soon ,i was no longer satisfied to follow the course4 ,i sought other books which would complete the teaching of the masters1 and in this way1 ,i one day came upon the 8,psychology de ,dieu40 ,it impressed me so profoundly that ,i immediately obtained the 8,theory of the ,passions0 and the 8,anatomy of the ,will40 ,these were in the realm of pure thought1 the same thunderbolt as were the works of ,de ,musset in the realm of delirious sensations4 ,the veil fell4 ,the darkness of the external and of the internal world became light4 ,i had found my way4 ,i was your pupil4 ,in order to explain to you in a very clear manner how your thought penetrated mine1 permit me to pass immediately to the result of this reading1 and the meditations which followed4 ,you will see how ,i was able to draw from your works a complete system of ethics1 and which properly arranged in a marvelous manner the scattered elements which were floating about within me4 ,i found in the first of these three works1 the 8,psychology of ,god10 a definite alleviation of the religious anguish in which ,i had continued to live1 in spite of temptation and of doubts4 ,certainly1 objections to the dogmas had not been lacking1 as ,i had read so many books which manifested the most audacious irreligion1 and ,i had been drawn toward skepticism1 as ,i have told you1 because ,i found in it the double character of intellectual superiority and of sentimental novelty4 ,i had felt1 among other influences1 that of the author of the 8,life of ,jesus40 ,the exquisite magic of his style1 the sovereign grace of his dilettanteism1 the languorous poetry of his pious impiety had affected me deeply1 but it was not for nothing that ,i was the son of a geometrician1 and ,i had not been satisfied with what there was of uncertainty1 of shadow in this incomparable artist4 ,it was the mathematical rigor of your book which at once took possession of my mind4 ,you demonstrated with irresistible dialectics1 that any hypothesis upon the first cause is nonsense1 even the idea of this first cause is an absurdity1 nevertheless this nonsense and this absurdity are as necessary to our mind as is the illusion to our eyes of a sun turning around the earth1 although we know that the sun is immovable and that the earth itself is in motion4 ,the all-powerful ingenuity of this reasoning charmed my intellect1 which docilely yielded to your vision of the lucid and rational world4 ,i perceived the universe as it is1 pouring out without beginning1 and without end1 the tide of inexhaustible phenomena4 ,the care which you have taken to found all your arguments upon facts taken from science corresponded too well with the teaching of my father not to have subdued me4 ,i read your pages over and over again1 summarized them1 commented upon them1 applied them with the ardor of a neophyte1 in order to assimilate all the substance4 ,the intellectual pride which ,i had felt from my childhood became exalted in the young man who learned from you the renunciations of the sweetest1 of the most comforting topics4 ,ah6 how shall ,i tell you of the fervor of an initiation which was like a first love in the delights of its enthusiasm8 ,i felt it a physical joy to overthrow1 with your books in my hand1 the entire edifice of beliefs in which ,i had grown up4 ,yes1 this was the masculine felicity which ,lucretius has celebrated1 that of the liberating negation1 and not the cowardly melancholy of a ,jouffroy4 ,this hymn to science1 of which each of your pages is a strophe1 ,i listened to with a delight as much more intense as the faculty of analysis1 the principal reason of my piety1 had found1 thanks to you1 another way to exercise itself than at the confessional1 and that your two great treatises had enlightened me as to my inner being1 at the same time that your 8,psychology of ,god0 enlightened me in regard to the external universe1 with a light which1 even to-day1 is my last1 my inextinguishable beacon in the midst of the tempest4 ,how you explained to me all the incoherences of my youth6 ,this moral solitude in which ,i had suffered so much with my mother1 with the ,abb ,martel1 with my comrades1 with everyone1 even ,emile--,i now understood4 ,have you not demonstrated1 in your 8,theory of the ,passions10 that we are powerless to get away from ,self1 and that all relation between two beings reposes1 like everything else1 upon illusion8 ,tour 8,anatomy of the ,will0 revealed to me the necessary motives1 the inevitable logic of the yielding to the temptations of the senses for which ,i had suffered remorse so severe4 ,the complications with which ,i reproached myself as a lack of frankness1 you showed to be the very law of existence imposed by heredity4 ,i found also1 that1 in searching the romancers and poets of the century for culpable and morbid conditions of soul1 ,i had1 without suspecting it1 followed the inborn vocation of psychologist4 ,have you not written3 8,all souls must be considered by the psychologist as experiences instituted by nature4 ,among these experiences1 some are useful to society and are called virtues2 others are injurious and are called vices or crimes4 ,these last are however1 the more significant1 and there would lack an essential element to the science of the mind1 if ,nero1 for example1 or some ,italian tyrant of the fifteenth century had not existed80 ,on those warm summer days1 ,i walked out1 with one of these books in my pocket1 and1 when alone in the country1 ,i read some of these sentences and became absorbed in meditation on their meaning4 ,i applied to the country which surrounded me the philosophical interpretation of what we agree to call evil4 ,without doubt the eruptions which had raised the chain of the ,domes1 at whose feet ,i wandered1 had devastated with burning lava the neighboring plain and destroyed living beings1 but they had produced this magnificence of scenery which charmed me1 when my eyes contemplated the graceful group of the ,pariou1 the ,puy de ,dme and all the line of these noble mountains4 ,the road was verdant with euphorbias in bloom1 whose stems ,i broke to see the milk-white poison exuding from them4 ,but these poisonous plants nourished the beautiful tithymal caterpillar1 green with dark spots1 from which a butterfly would be born1 a sphinx with colored wings of the finest tint4 ,sometimes a viper glided among the stones of these dusty roads1 which ,i watched as it moved away1 gray against the puzzuolana red1 with his flat head and the suppleness of his spotted body4 ,the dangerous reptile appeared to me a proof of the indifference of nature whose only care is to multiply life1 beneficent or murderous1 with the same inexhaustible prodigality4 ,i learned then1 with inexpressible force1 the same lesson which ,i learned from your works1 to know that we have nothing for our own but ourselves1 that the 8,i0 alone is real1 that nature ignores us1 as do men1 that from her as from them we have nothing to ask if not some pretexts for feeling or for thinking4 ,my old beliefs1 in a ,god1 the father and judge1 seemed like the dreams of a sick child1 and ,i expanded to the extreme limits of the vast landscape1 to the depths of the immense void heaven1 in thinking that as a youth ,i had already reflected enough to understand of this world what none of the countrymen whom ,i saw pass could ever comprehend4 ,they came from the mountains1 leading their oxen harnessed to their large carts1 and saluted the cross devoutly4 ,with what delight ,i scorned their gross superstition1 theirs and the ,abb ,martel's and my mother's1 though ,i had not decided to declare my atheism1 foreseeing too plainly what scenes this declaration would provoke6 ,but these scenes are of no more importance1 and ,i come now to the expos of a drama which would have had no meaning if ,i had not first admitted you into the intimacy of my mind and its formation4 ,,iii4 ,,transplantation4 ,by too close attention to study during this year1 ,i brought on quite a serious illness1 which forced me to interrupt my preparation for the ,normal ,school4 ,when ,i had recovered ,i doubled my lessons in philosophy1 at the same time following a part of the rhetorical course4 ,i presented myself at the school about the time in which ,i had the honor of being received by you4 ,you are acquainted with the events which followed4 ,i failed at the examination4 ,my compositions lacked that literary brilliancy which is acquired only at the ,lyceums of ,paris4 ,in ,november1 #ahhe1 ,i accepted the position of preceptor in the ,jussat-,randon family4 ,i wrote to you then that ,i renounced my independence in order that ,i might not be any further expense to my mother4 ,joined with this reason there was the secret hope that the savings realized in this preceptorate would permit me1 my licentiate once passed1 to prepare for my fellowship examination in ,paris4 ,a residence in that city attracted me1 my dear master1 by the prospect of living near the ,rue ,guy de la ,brosse4 ,my visit to your hermitage had made a profound impression4 ,you appeared to me as a kind of modern ,spinoza1 so completely identical with your books by the nobility of a life entirely consecrated to thought4 ,i created beforehand a romance of felicity at the idea that ,i should know the hours of your walks1 that ,i should form the habit of meeting you in the old ,jardin des ,plantes1 which undulates under your windows1 that you would consent to direct me1 that aided and sustained by you1 ,i could also make my place in science2 in fine you were for me the living certainty1 the master1 what ,faust is for ,wagner in the psychologic symphony of ,goethe4 ,beside1 the conditions which this preceptorate offered were particularly easy4 ,i was above all to be the companion of a child twelve years of age1 the second son of the ,marquis de ,jussat4 ,i learned afterward why this family had retired for the whole winter to this chteau1 near ,lake ,aydat1 where they usually passed the autumn months only4 ,m4 de ,jussat1 who is originally from ,auvergne1 and who has held the office of minister plenipotentiary under the emperor1 had just lost a large sum on the ,bourse4 ,his property being hypothecated1 and his income greatly diminished1 he had let his house on the ,champs-,elyses furnished at a very high rent4 ,he had arrived at his ,jussat estate a little earlier1 expecting to go directly to his villa at ,cannes4 ,an advantageous chance to let this villa also offered4 ,the desire to free his property had tempted him1 the more as an increasing hypochondria made it easier to face the prospect of an entire year passed in solitude4 ,he had been surprised by the sudden departure of his son ,lucien's preceptor1 who without doubt did not care to bury himself in the country for so many months1 and so he had come to ,clermont4 ,he had studied his mathematics there thirty-five years before1 under ,m4 ,limasset1 the old professor who was my father's friend4 ,the idea had come to him to ask his old master to recommend an intelligent young man1 capable of taking charge of ,lucien's studies for the whole year4 ,m4 ,limasset naturally thought of me1 and ,i consented1 for the reasons which ,i have given1 to be presented to the marquis as a candidate for the place4 ,in the parlor of one of the hotels on the ,place de ,jande1 ,i found a man quite tall1 very bald1 with clear gray eyes in a very red face1 who did not even take the trouble to examine me4 ,he begun at once to talk1 and he talked all the time1 intermingling the details of his health--he was one of the imaginary invalids--with the most lively criticisms on modern education4 ,i can hear him now using pellmell phrases which revealed in a way the different phases of his character4 8,well1 my poor ,limasset1 when are you coming down to see us8 ,the air is excellent down there4 ,that is what ,i need4 ,i cannot breathe in ,paris4 ,we never breathe enough4 ,i hope1 monsieur10 and he turned to me1 8that you are not an advocate of these new methods of teaching4 ,science1 nothing but science2 and my ,god1 gentlemen scholars1 what do you make of it80 ,then returning to ,m4 ,limasset3 8,in my day1 in our day1 ,i may say1 everybody had a respect for authority and for duty4 ,education was not absolutely neglected for instruction4 ,you remember our chaplain1 the ,abb ,habert1 and how he could talk8 ,what health he had6 ,how he could walk in all sorts of weather without an overcoat6 ,but you1 ,limasset1 how old are you8 ,sixty-five1 hey8 ,sixty-five1 and not an ache6 not one8 ,do you not think ,i am better since ,i have lived among the mountains8 ,i am never very ill1 but there is always some little thing the matter with me4 ,indeed1 ,i would rather be really ill4 ,at least ,i should get well then40 ,if ,i repeat these incoherent words1 as they come back to my memory1 my dear master1 it is first1 that you may know the value of the intellect of this man who1 as my mother has told me1 has brought your venerated name into my case2 it is also that you understand with what feelings ,i arrived1 four days after1 at the chteau when ,i ran into so terrible dangers4 ,the marquis had accepted me at the first visit1 and insisted upon taking me with him in his landau4 ,during the journey from ,clermont to ,aydat1 he had leisure to tell me about his family4 ,he explained with his invincible garrulity1 constantly interrupted by some remarks about his person1 that his wife and daughter did not care much for society1 and that they were excellent housekeepers2 that his oldest son ,count ,andr1 was home for a fortnight and that ,i must not be annoyed at his brusqueness1 for it covered the best of hearts1 that his other son1 ,lucien1 had been ailing and that his restoration to health was the most important thing of all4 ,then at the word health he started1 and1 after an hour of confidences regarding his headaches1 his digestion1 his sleep1 his ailments past1 present1 and future1 being fatigued no doubt by the keen air and the flux of words1 he fell asleep in a corner of the carriage4 ,i recall the plans which ,i formed when1 freed from this tormentor1 who was already the object of my contempt1 ,i looked at the beautiful country through which we were passing between mountain ravines and woods1 now turning yellow in the autumn1 with the ,puy de la ,vache at the horizon1 with the hollow of its crater all plowed up1 and quite red with volcanic dust4 ,what ,i had already seen of the marquis1 and what he had told me of his family1 had convinced me that ,i was about to be exiled among people whom ,i called barbarians4 ,i had given this name to those persons whom ,i judge to be irreparable strangers to the intellectual life4 ,the prospect of this exile did not alarm me4 ,the doctrine by which ,i should regulate my existence was so clear to my mind6 ,i was so resolved to live only in myself1 to defend myself against all intrusion from without4 ,the chteau to which ,i was going1 and the people who inhabited it would be only subjects for the most profitable study4 ,my programme was made out3 during the twelve or fourteen months that ,i should live there ,i would employ my leisure in studying ,german1 and in mastering the contents of 8,beaunais' ,physiology10 which was in my small trunk1 bound behind the carriage1 together with your works1 my dear master1 my 8,ethics10 several volumes of ,m4 ,ribot1 of ,m4 ,taine1 of ,herbert ,spencer1 some analytical romances and the books necessary to the preparation for my licentiate4 ,i intended to pass this examination in ,july4 ,a new notebook awaited the notes which ,i proposed to make upon the character of my hosts4 ,i had promised myself to take them to pieces1 wheel by wheel1 and ,i had bought for this purpose a book1 closed by a lock and key1 upon the fly-leaf of which ,i had written this sentence from the 8,anatomy of the ,will40 8,spinoza boasts of having studied human sentiments as the mathematician studies his geometric figures2 modern psychology must study them as chemical combinations elaborated in a retort1 while regretting that this retort may not be as transparent and as manageable as those of the laboratory40 ,i tell you this childishness to prove the degree of my sincerity1 and to show how little ,i resemble the poor and ambitious young man that so many romances have described4 ,with my taste for duplication1 ,i remember to have remarked this difference with pleasure4 ,i recalled ,julien ,sorel of 8,rouge et ,noir10 arriving at the house of ,m4 de ,rnal1 the temptations of ,rubempr1 in ,balzac1 in front of the house of the ,bargetons1 some pages also of the 8,vingtras de ,valls40 ,i analyzed the sensations which were concealed behind the lusts and the revolts of these different heroes4 ,there is always a surprise in passing from one society to another1 but there was not a trace of envy or maliciousness in me4 ,i looked at the marquis as he slept1 wrapped1 on this cool ,november afternoon1 in a furred coat whose turned-up collar half-concealed his face4 ,a robe of dark soft wool covered his legs4 ,dark embroidered skin gloves protected his hands4 ,his hat of felt as fine as silk was pulled down over his eyes4 ,i only felt that these details represented a kind of existence very different from ours with the poor and petty economy of our home which only my mother's scrupulous neatness saved from meanness4 ,i rejoiced that ,i did not feel any envy1 not the least atom1 at the sight of these signs of prosperous fortune1 neither envy nor embarrassment4 ,i had myself completely under control1 and was steeled against all vulgar prejudice by my doctrine1 your doctrine1 and by the sovereign superiority of my ideas4 ,i will have traced a perfect portrait of my mind at this time if ,i add that ,i had resolved to erase love from the programme of my life4 ,i had had1 since my adventure with ,marianne1 another little experience1 with the wife of a professor at the ,lyceum1 so absolutely silly and withal so ridiculously pretentious that ,i came out of it strengthened in my contempt for the 8,dame10 speaking after ,schopenhauer1 and also in my disgust for sensuality4 ,i attribute to the profound influences of ,catholic discipline this repulsion from the flesh which has survived the dogmas of spirituality4 ,i know very well1 from an experience too often repeated1 that this repulsion was insufficient to hinder profound relapses1 but ,i depended upon the silence of the chteau to free me from all temptation and to practice in its full rigor the great maxim of the ancient sage3 8,force all your sex to mount to the brain40 ,ah6 this idolatry of the brain1 of my thinking ,self1 it has been so strong in me that ,i have thought seriously of studying the monastic rules that ,i might apply them to the culture of my mind4 ,yes1 ,i have contemplated making my meditations every day1 like the monks1 upon the articles of my philosophic credo1 of celebrating every day1 like the monks1 the fte of one of my saints1 of ,spinoza1 of ,hobbes1 of ,stendhal1 of ,stuart ,mill1 of you1 my dear master1 in evoking the image and the doctrines of the initiative thus chosen1 and impregnating myself with his example4 ,i know that all this was very youthful and very nave1 but1 you see1 ,i was not such a man as this family stigmatizes to-day1 the intriguing plebeian who was dreaming of a fine marriage1 and the idea connecting my life with that of ,mlle1 de ,jussat was implanted1 inspired1 so to speak1 by circumstances4 ,i do not write to you to paint myself in a romantic light1 and ,i do not know why ,i should conceal from you that1 among the circumstances which urged me toward this enterprise so far from my thought on my arrival1 the first was the impression produced on me by ,count ,andr the brother of the poor dead girl1 whose remembrance1 now that ,i am approaching the drama1 becomes almost a torture2 but let us go back to this arrival4 ,it is almost five o'clock4 ,the landau moves rapidly along4 ,the marquis is awake4 ,he points out the frozen bosom of the little lake1 all rosy under a setting sun1 which empurples the dried foliage of the beeches and oaks2 and1 beyond the chteau1 a large building of modern construction1 white1 with its slender towers and its pepper-box roof1 grows nearer at every turn of the gray road4 ,the steeple of a village1 rather of a hamlet1 raises its slates above some houses with thatched roofs4 ,it is passed4 ,we are now in the avenue of trees which leads to the chteau1 then before the perron and immediately in the vestibule4 ,we entered the salon4 ,how peaceful it was1 lighted by lamps with large shades1 with the fire burning gayly in the chimney4 ,the ,marquise de ,jussat with her daughter1 was working at some knitting for the poor2 my future pupil was looking over a book of engravings1 as he stood against the open piano2 ,mlle4 ,charlotte's governess and a religieuse were seated1 farther off1 sewing4 ,count ,andr was reading a paper1 which he put down at the moment of our arrival4 ,yes1 this was a peaceful place1 and who could have told that my entrance would be the end of all peace for these persons who in an instant were impressed on my memory with the distinctness of portraits8 ,i noticed first the face of the marquise1 a tall and strong woman with features slightly gross1 so different from what my imagination had conceived of a great lady4 ,she was truly the model housekeeper whom the marquis had described1 but a housekeeper with a finished education1 and who put me at once at my ease simply by speaking of the beautiful day that we had had for our journey4 ,i perceived the inexpressive face of ,mlle4 ,eliza ,largeyx1 the governess1 with its ever-approving smile2 she was the innocent type of happy servility1 of a life all complaisance and of material happiness4 ,there was sister ,anaclet with her peasant's eyes and her thin mouth4 ,she lived permanently at the chteau that she might serve as nurse for the marquis who was always apprehensive of a possible attack4 ,there was little ,lucien with the fat cheeks of the idle child4 ,there1 too1 was the young girl1 who is no more1 with her beautiful form in its light dress1 her gentle gray eyes1 her chestnut hair1 and the delicate outline of her oval face4 ,i can still see the gesture with which she offered her hand to her father and a cup of tea to me4 ,i hear her voice saying to the marquis3 8,father1 did you see how rosy the little lake was this evening80 ,and the voice of ,m4 de ,jussat responding between two swallows of his grog3 8,i saw that there was some fog in the meadows and some rheumatism in the air40 ,and the voice of ,count ,andr3 8,yes1 but what fine shooting to-morrow60 then turning to me3 8,do you shoot1 ,monsieur ,greslon80 8,no1 monsieur10 ,i answered4 8,do you ride80 he asked again4 8,i do not40 8,i pity you10 said he1 laughing2 8after war1 these are the two greatest pleasures that ,i know of40 ,this is nothing1 this bit of dialogue1 and1 thus transcribed1 it will not explain why these simple phrases were the cause of my regarding ,andr de ,jussat as a being apart from any ,i had known until then2 why1 when ,i had gone to my room1 where a servant commenced to unpack my trunk1 ,i thought more of him than of his fragile and graceful sister3 nor why1 at dinner and all the evening1 ,i had eyes only for him4 ,my nave astonishment in the presence of this proud and manly fellow was derived1 however1 from a very simple fact2 ,i had grown up in a purely intellectual medium in which the only estimable forms of life were the intellectual4 ,i had had for comrades the first of my class1 all as delicate and frail as ,i was myself1 without condescending ever to notice those who excelled in the exercises of the body1 and who beside only found in these exercises an excuse for brutality4 ,all my masters whom ,i liked best1 and the few old friends of my father1 were also able men4 ,when ,i had pictured the heroes of romance1 they were always mental machines more or less complicated2 but ,i had never imagined their physical condition4 ,if ,i had ever thought of the superiority which the beautiful and firm animal energy of man represents1 it was in an abstract manner1 but ,i had never felt it4 ,count ,andr1 who was thirty years old1 presented an admirable example of this superiority4 ,figure to yourself a man of medium size1 but lusty as an athlete1 with broad shoulders and a slender waist1 gestures which betrayed strength and suppleness--gestures in which one felt that the movement was distributed with that perfection which gives adroit and precise agility--hands and feet nervous1 showing race1 with a martial countenance1 one of those bistre complexions behind which the blood flows1 rich in iron and in globules2 a square forehead under bushy black hair1 a mustache of the same color over a firm and tightly closed mouth1 brown eyes1 very near to a nose which was slightly arched1 which gives to the profile a vague suggestion of a bird of prey4 ,last a bold chin1 squarely cut1 completed the physiognomy of a character of invincible will4 ,and the will is the whole person2 action made man4 ,it seemed as if there were in this officer1 broken to all bodily exercises1 ready for all exploits1 no rupture of equilibrium between thought and action1 and that his whole being passed entire into his smallest gestures4 ,i have seen him mount a horse so as to realize the ancient fable of the ,centaur1 put ten balls in succession at thirty paces into a playing card1 leap ditches with the lightness of a professional gymnast1 and sometimes1 to amuse his young brother1 leap over a table1 only touching it with his hands4 ,i knew that1 during the war and though only sixteen years old1 he had enlisted and made the campaign of the ,loire1 bearing all fatigues and inspiring even the veterans with courage4 ,as ,i saw him at dinner this first evening1 eating steadily1 with that fine humor of appetite which reveals the fall life2 speaking little1 but with a commanding voice1 ,i felt in a surprising degree the impression that ,i was in the presence of a creature different from myself1 but finished and complete of his kind4 ,it seems to me as though this scene dates from yesterday1 and that ,i am there1 while the marquis plays bezique with his daughter1 talking with the marquise1 and stealthily watching ,count ,andr play at billiards alone4 ,i saw him through the open door1 supple and robust in his evening dress of some light material1 a cigar in the corner of his mouth1 pushing the balls about with a precision so perfect that it was beautiful2 and ,i1 your pupil1 ,i1 so proud of the amplitude of my mind1 followed with open mouth the slightest gestures of this young man who was absorbed in a sport so vulgar1 with the kind of envious admiration which a learned monk of the middle ages1 unskillful in all muscular games1 must have felt in presence of a knight in armor4 ,when ,i use the word envy ,i beg you to understand me1 and not to attribute to me a baseness which was never mine4 ,neither this evening nor during the days which followed was ,i ever jealous of the name of ,count ,andr1 nor of his fortune1 nor of any of the social advantages which he possessed1 and of which ,i was so deprived4 ,neither have ,i felt that strange hate of the male for the male1 very finely noted by you in your pages on love4 ,my mother had had the weakness to tell me often in my childhood that ,i was a pretty boy4 ,without being a coxcomb1 ,i may say that there was nothing displeasing in me1 neither in my face nor in my figure4 ,i say this to you1 not from vanity1 but to prove that there was not an atom of vanity in the sort of sudden rivalry which made me an adversary1 almost an enemy1 of ,count ,andr from this first evening4 ,there was as much admiration as envy in this antipathy4 ,upon reflection1 ,i find in the sentiment which ,i have tried to define the probable trace of an unconscious atavism4 ,i questioned the marquis later1 whose aristocratic pride ,i thus flattered1 upon the genealogy of the ,jussat-,randons1 and ,i believe that they are of a pure and conquering race1 while in the veins of the descendant of the ,lorraine farmers who writes these lines to you flows the blood of ancestors who had been slaves of the soil for centuries4 ,certainly1 between my brain and that of ,count ,andr there is the same difference as there is between mine and yours1 greater1 since ,i can comprehend you and ,i defy him to follow my reasonings1 even that which ,i am pursuing now1 upon our relations4 ,to speak frankly1 ,i am a civilized being1 he is only a barbarian4 ,but ,i felt immediately the sensation that my refinement was less aristocratic than his barbarism4 ,i felt there1 at once1 and in the depths of this instinct of life1 into which the mind descends with much difficulty1 the revelation of this precedence of race which modern science affirms of all nature and which1 by consequence1 must be true also of man4 ,why even use this word envy1 which serves as the label of irrational hostilities like those with which the count immediately inspired me8 ,why should not this hostility be inherited like the rest8 ,any human acquisition whatever1 that for example of character and of active energy1 implies that1 during centuries and centuries1 files of individuals of which one is the supreme addition1 have acted and willed4 ,during this long succession of years1 an antipathy1 sometimes clear and sometimes obscure1 has rendered the individuals of the first group odious to individuals of the second1 and when two representatives of this sovereign labor of ages1 also typical each in his kind as were the count and myself1 meet1 why not stand up the one in face of the other1 like two beasts of different species8 ,the horse that has never been near a lion trembles with fright when his bed is made of the straw upon which one of these creatures has slept4 ,then fear is inherited1 and is not fear one form of hate8 ,why is not all hate inherited8 ,and in hundreds of cases envy would be1 as it surely was in mine1 only the echo of hates formerly felt by those whose sons we are1 and who continue to pursue1 through us1 the combats of heart begun centuries ago4 ,there is a current proverb that antipathies are mutual1 and if it is admitted my hypothesis upon the secular origin of antipathies becomes very simple4 ,it happens1 however1 that this antipathy does not manifest itself in the two beings at once4 ,this is the case when one of the two does not deign to notice the other1 and also when the other dissimulates4 ,i do not believe that ,count ,andr experienced at first the aversion that he would have felt if he had read to the bottom of my soul4 ,in the beginning he paid very little attention to a young man of ,clermont who had come to the chteau to be tutor2 then ,i had decided on a constant dissimulation of my real ,self1 imprisoned among strangers4 ,i felt no more repugnance for this defensive hypocrisy than the gardener would have had in putting straw around the currant bushes to preserve their fruit against snows and frosts4 ,the falseness of attitude corresponded too well with my intellectual pride to prevent me from giving myself up to it with delight4 ,on the other hand ,count ,andr had no motive for concealing his character from me1 and on this same evening1 at the hour of retiring1 he asked me to come into his study to talk a little4 ,he had hardly looked at me1 and ,i understood plainly that his intention was not to put any more familiarity between us1 but to give me his opinions on my rle as preceptor4 ,he occupied a suite of three rooms in a wing of the chteau1 a bedroom1 a dressing-room and the smoking-room in which we now found ourselves4 ,a large upholstered divan1 several armchairs and a massive desk1 constituted the furniture of this room4 ,on the walls glittered arms of all kinds1 guns of ,tangiers1 sabres and muskets of the first empire1 and a ,prussian helmet1 which the count pointed out to me almost as soon as we had entered4 ,he had lighted a short brierwood pipe1 prepared two glasses of brandy mixed with seltzer water1 and lamp in hand1 he showed me the helmet saying3 8,i am very sure that ,i knocked that fellow over4 ,you do not know anything about the sensation of holding an enemy at the point of your gun1 of taking aim1 of seeing him fall1 and thinking3 ,another one gone8 ,it happened in a village not far from ,orlans4 ,i was on guard at daybreak1 in a corner of the cemetery4 ,i saw a head above the wall1 it looked over1 then the shoulders followed4 ,it was this inquisitive fellow who wanted to see what we were doing4 ,he did not go back to tell40 ,he put down the lamp1 and1 after laughing a little at this remembrance1 he became serious4 ,i had felt obliged1 for the sake of politeness1 to moisten my lips in the mixture of gaseous water and alcohol1 and the count continued3 8,i wished to talk with you about ,lucien1 monsieur1 to explain his character and in what way he is to be directed4 ,his old tutor was an excellent man1 but very weak1 very indolent4 ,i have encouraged your coming because you are a young man1 and a young man is more suitable for ,lucien4 ,teaching1 monsieur1 is worse than nothing1 sometimes1 when it falsifies ideas4 ,the great thing in this life1 ,i ought almost say the only thing1 is character40 ,he made a pause as if to ask my opinion1 ,i answered with some banal phrase which supported his view4 8,very well10 he continued1 8we understand one another4 ,at present1 for a man of our name1 there is in ,france only one profession1 that of a soldier4 ,so long as our country is in the hands of the canaille and so long as we have the ,germans to fight1 our duty is in the only place that remains to us--the army4 ,thank ,god my father and my mother share these opinions4 ,lucien will be a soldier1 and a soldier has no need of knowing all that the people prate about to-day4 ,having honor1 sangfroid1 muscles and loving ,france1 everything is right4 ,i had all the trouble in the world to take my degree4 ,this year must be for ,lucien1 above everything else1 a year of outdoor life2 and1 for studies1 these must be conversations only4 ,it is to your talks with him that ,i wish to call your attention4 ,you must insist on the practical1 on the positive1 and on principles4 ,he has some faults which must be corrected4 ,you will find him very good1 but very soft2 he must learn to endure40 8,insist1 for example1 upon his going out in all sorts of weather1 that he walk two or three hours every day4 ,he is very inexact1 and ,i insist that he shall become as punctual as a chronometer4 ,he also is untruthful4 ,i think this the most horrible of vices4 ,i can pardon everything1 yes1 many1 many follies4 ,i never forgive a falsehood4 ,we have had1 from my father's old master1 such good recommendation of you1 of your life with your mother1 of your dignity1 of your strictness1 that we depend very much on your influence4 ,your age permits you to be as much a companion as a preceptor for ,lucien4 ,example1 you see1 is the best kind of teaching4 ,tell a conscript that it is a noble and fine thing to march up to the fire1 and he will listen to you without understanding you4 ,march in front of him1 swaggering1 and he becomes more of a blusterer than you are4 8,as for me1 ,i rejoin my regiment in a few days1 but absent or present1 you can depend on my support2 if it should ever be a question what to do1 that this child become what he ought to become1 a man who can serve his country bravely1 and1 if ,god permit1 his king40 ,this discourse1 which ,i believe ,i have faithfully reproduced1 did not at all astonish me4 ,it was quite natural in a house in which the father was an old monomaniac1 the mother a simple housekeeper1 the sister young and timid1 that the oldest brother should hold a directing place1 and talk with the new preceptor4 ,it was also quite natural that a soldier and a gentleman educated in the ideas of his class and of his profession should speak as a soldier and a gentleman4 ,you1 my dear master1 with your universal comprehension of natures1 with your facility in disentangling the line which unites the temperament and the medium of ideas1 you would have seen in ,count ,andr a very definite and significant case4 ,and for what had ,i prepared my locked notebook if not to collect documents of this kind upon human nature8 ,and was there not here everything new in the person of this officer1 so single and so simple1 who manifested a mode of thought evidently identical with his mode of being1 breathing1 moving1 smoking and eating8 ,ah6 ,i see too well that my philosophy was not as blood in my veins1 as marrow in my bones1 for this discourse and the convictions it expressed1 instead of pleasing me by this rare encounter of logic1 only enlarged the wound of antipathy which had been already opened1 ,i knew not where1 in my self-love perhaps1 for ,i was weak and frail in the presence of the strong--surely in my inmost sensibility4 ,none of the count's ideas had the least value in my eyes4 ,they were for me pure foolishness1 and instead of despising this foolishness1 as ,i should have despised it in any other case1 ,i began to hate it in his mouth4 ,a soldier's profession8 ,i considered it so wretched1 because of its brutal associations and the time lost1 that ,i was glad that ,i was the son of a widow that ,i might escape the barbarity of the barracks and the miseries of its discipline4 ,the hatred of ,germany8 ,i had tried to destroy it in myself1 as the worst of prejudices1 from disgust of the imbecile comrades whom ,i saw exalt it into an ignorant patriotism1 and also from admiration for the people to whom psychology owes ,kant and ,schopenhauer1 ,lotze and ,fechner1 ,helmholz and ,wundt4 ,political faith8 ,i professed an equal disdain for the gross hypotheses which1 under the name of legitism1 republicanism1 ,csarism1 pretended to govern a country a priori4 ,i dreamed with the author of the 8,dialogues ,philosophiques10 of an oligarchy of savants1 a despotism of psychologists and economists1 of physiologists and historians4 ,practical life8 ,this was a diminished life for me1 who saw in the external world only a field of experiences in which an enfranchised soul ventures with prudence1 just far enough to collect emotions4 ,finally this contempt for falsehood which the count professed struck me as an affront1 at the same time that his absolute confidence in my morality1 based upon a false impression of me1 embarrassed me1 chilled me1 hurt me4 ,certainly the contradiction was piquant2 ,i considered the portrait which my father's old friend had drawn2 it pleased me in a certain way that they should believe it like me1 and ,i felt irritated that he1 ,count ,andr1 did not distrust me4 ,but what does that prove1 if not that we never thoroughly know ourselves8 ,you have magnificently said1 my dear master3 8,our states of consciousness are like islands upon an ocean of darkness whose foundations are forever being removed4 ,it is the work of the psychologist to divine by soundings the ground which makes of these isles the visible summits of a mountain chain1 invisible and immovable under the moving mass of waters40 ,i have not described this first evening at the chteau because it had any immediate consequences1 for ,i retired after assuring ,count ,andr that ,i was entirely of his opinion in regard to his young brother1 and1 having reached my room1 ,i confined myself to consigning these words to my notebook1 with comments more or less disdainful2 but these first impressions will help you to understand some analogous impressions which followed1 and the unexpected crisis which resulted from them4 ,it is one of those submarine chains of which you speak1 and which ,i find to-day when ,i throw the sound to the very bottom of my heart4 ,under the influence of your books1 and of your example1 ,i became more and more intellectualized1 and ,i believed that ,i had definitely renounced the morbid curiosity of the passions which had made me find exquisite pleasure in my guilty readings4 ,thus we retain portions of the soul which were very much alive1 and which we believe to be dead1 but which are only drowsing4 ,and so little by little1 after an acquaintance of only fifteen days with this man1 my elder by nine or ten years1 and who was1 all reality1 all energy1 this purely speculative existence of which ,i had so sincerely dreamed1 began to seem--how shall ,i express it8 ,inferior8 ,oh1 no1 for ,i would not have consented1 at the price of an empire1 to become ,count ,andr1 even with his name1 his fortune1 his physical superiority1 and his ideas4 ,discolored8 ,not even that4 ,the word incomplete appears to me the only one which expresses the singular disfavor which the sudden comparison between the count and myself diffused over my own convictions4 ,it is in this feeling of incompleteness that the principal temptation of which ,i was the victim resides4 ,there is nothing very original1 ,i believe1 in the state of mind of a man who1 having cultivated to excess the faculty of thought1 meets another man having cultivated to the same degree the faculty of action and who feels himself tormented with nostalgia in presence of this action1 however despised4 ,goethe has drawn the whole of his ,faust from this nostalgia4 ,i was not a ,faust4 ,i had not1 like the old doctor1 drained the cup of ,science2 and yet1 ,i must believe that my studies of these last years1 by overexciting me in one direction1 had left in me unemployed powers1 which trembled with emulation at the approach of this representative of another race of men4 ,while admiring him1 envying and despising him at the same time1 during the days which followed1 ,i could not prevent my mind from thinking4 ,and ,i thought3 8,that man who would value him for his activity and me for my thought1 would truly be the superior man that ,i have desired to become40 ,but do not action and thought exclude one another8 ,they were not incompatible at the ,renaissance and later1 ,goethe has incarnated in himself the double destiny of ,faust1 by turns philosopher and courtier1 poet and minister2 ,stendhal was romancer and lieutenant of dragoons2 ,constant was the author of 8,adolphe0 and a fiery orator1 as well as duelist1 actor and libertine4 ,this finished culture of the 8,i10 which ,i had made the final result1 the supreme end of my doctrines1 was it without this double play of the faculties1 this parallelism of the life lived and the life thought8 ,probably my first regret at feeling myself thus dispossessed of a whole world1 that of fact1 was only pride4 ,but with me1 and by the essentially philosophic nature of my being1 sensations are immediately transformed into ideas4 ,the smallest accidents appear in my mind to state general problems4 ,every event of my destiny leads me to some theory on the destiny of all4 ,here1 where another man would have said3 8,it is a pity that fate should have permitted a single kind of development10 ,i took it on myself to ask if ,i were not deceived in the law of all development4 ,since ,i had1 thanks to your admirable books1 freed my soul and cast to earth my vain religious terrors1 ,i had retained only one of my old1 pious practices1 the habit of daily examining my conscience1 under the form of a journal1 and from time to time ,i made what ,i called an orison4 ,i transported1 with a singular enjoyment1 the terms of religion into the realm of my personal sensibility4 ,i called that again the liturgy of the 8,i40 ,one evening of the second week of my stay at the chteau1 ,i employed several hours in writing out a general confession1 that is to say1 in drawing a picture of my diverse instincts since the first awakening of my consciousness4 ,i arrived at this conclusion1 that the essential trait of my nature1 the characteristic of my inmost being1 had always been the faculty of duplication4 ,that means that ,i had always felt a tendency to be at once passionate and reflective1 to live and to see myself live4 ,but by imprisoning myself1 as ,i wished1 in pure reflection1 by neglecting to live and to have only one eye open upon life1 did ,i not risk resembling that ,amiel whose dolorous journal appeared at that time1 and sterilizing myself by the abuse of analysis to emptiness8 ,in vain did your image return to me to reinforce me in my resolution to live an abstract existence4 ,i recall the phrases on love in the 8,theory of the ,passion10 and ,i saw you1 at my age1 abandoning yourself to the culpable experiences which already obscurely tempted me4 ,i do not know if this chemistry of soul1 so very complex and very sincere1 will seem sufficiently lucid4 ,the work by which an emotion is elaborated in us1 and ends by resolving itself into an idea1 remains so obscure that the idea is1 sometimes1 exactly contrary to that which simple reason could have foreseen6 ,would it not have been natural1 for example1 that the kind of admiring antipathy roused in me by my encounter with ,count ,andr should have ended either in a declared repulsion1 or in a definite admiration8 ,in the first case1 ,i should have thrown myself more into science1 and in the other1 have desired a more active morality1 a more practical virility in my actions4 ,but the natural for each one1 is his own nature4 ,mine willed that the admiring antipathy for the count should become a principle of criticism1 in regard to myself1 that this criticism should produce a new theory of life1 that this theory should reveal my native disposition for passional curiosity1 that the whole should dissolve itself into a nostalgia of sentimental experiences and that1 just at this moment1 a young girl should enter into my life whose presence alone would have sufficed to provoke the desire to please in any young man of my age4 ,but ,i was too intellectual for this desire to be born in my heart without passing through my head4 ,at least1 if ,i felt the charm of grace and delicacy which emanated from this child of twenty years1 ,i felt it while believing that ,i reasoned about it4 ,there are times when ,i ask myself if it was so1 times when all my history appears more simple1 and ,i say3 8,i was honestly in love with ,charlotte1 because she was pretty1 refined and tender1 and ,i was young2 then ,i gave some pretexts of the brain because ,i was a man proud of ideas and did not wish to love like other men40 ,ah6 what a comfort when ,i persuade myself to speak in this way6 ,i can pity myself instead of being a horror to myself1 as happens when ,i recall the cold resolution1 which ,i cherished in my mind1 consigned to my notebook1 and verified alas6 by the event1 the resolution1 to injure this girl without loving her1 from motives of purely psychological curiosity1 from the pleasure of acting1 of governing a living soul1 of contemplating at will and directly this mechanism of passion which ,i had until then only studied in books1 from the vanity of enriching my mind by a new experience4 ,but it is well1 ,i could not have wished otherwise1 impelled as ,i was by my heredities and my education1 removed into the new medium where ,i was thrown by chance1 and bitten1 as ,i was by this ferocious spirit of rivalry against the insolent young man who was my opposite8 ,but this pure and tender girl was worthy of meeting a man who was not a cold and murderous calculating machine4 ,only to think of her melts and rends my heart4 ,i did not notice at first sight that perfection of the lines of the face1 that brilliance of complexion1 that royalty of bearing which distinguishes the very beautiful woman4 ,everything in her physiognomy was a delicate demi-tint1 from the shade of her chestnut hair to the misty gray of her eyes and to her complexion which was neither pale nor rosy4 ,one thought of modesty when studying her expression1 and of fragility when remarking her feet1 and hands1 and the almost too minute grace of her movements4 ,although she was rather short1 she appeared tall because of the noble way in which her head was set on her slender neck4 ,if ,count ,andr reproduced one of their common ancestors by an evident atavism1 she resembled her father1 but with so charming an ideality of lines that one could not admit the resemblance unless they were side by side4 ,it was easy1 however1 to recognize in her the nervous disposition which produced hypochondria in her father4 ,charlotte had a sensibility which was almost morbid1 which was revealed at times by a slight tremulousness of hands and lips1 those beautiful sinuous lips where dwelt a goodness almost divine4 ,her firm chin showed a rare strength of will in so frail an envelope1 and ,i now understand that the depth of her eyes1 sometimes motionless as if fixed on some object visible to herself alone1 betrayed a fatal tendency to a fixed idea4 ,the first trait that ,i specially observed was her extreme kindness1 and this was brought to my notice by little ,lucien4 ,the child told me that his sister had several times wished him to ask me if there was anything lacking in my room4 ,this is a very puerile detail1 but it touched me because ,i felt very lonely in this great house where no person1 since my arrival1 had seemed to pay the least attention to me4 ,the marquis appeared only at dinner1 wrapped in a robe-de-chambre and groaning over his health or politics4 ,the marquise was occupied in making the chteau comfortable1 and held long conferences with an upholsterer from ,clermont4 ,count ,andr rode in the morning1 hunted in the afternoon1 and1 in the evening1 smoked his cigars without ever addressing a word to me4 ,the governess and the religieuse looked at one another and looked at me with a discretion which froze me4 ,my pupil was an idle and dull boy1 who had the redeeming quality of being very simple1 very confiding1 and of telling me all that ,i wished to know of himself and the rest of his family4 ,i learned in this way that their stay in the country this year was the work of ,count ,andr1 which did not astonish me in the least1 for ,i felt more and more that he was the real head of the family2 ,i learned that the year preceding he had wished to marry his sister to one of his comrades1 a ,m4 de ,plane1 whom ,charlotte had refused1 and who had gone to ,tonquin4 ,in our two daily classes1 one in the morning from eight o'clock to half-past nine1 the other in the afternoon from three o'clock until half-past four1 ,i had a great deal of trouble to fix the attention of the little idler4 ,seated on his chair1 opposite me on the other side of the table1 and rolling his tongue against his cheek1 while he covered the paper with his big awkward writing1 he would now and then glance up at me4 ,he noticed on my face the least sign of abstraction4 ,with the animal and sure instinct of children1 he soon saw that ,i would make him go on with his lessons less quickly when he talked to me of his brother or sister1 and so this innocent mouth revealed to me that there was1 in this cold1 strange house1 some one who thought of me and of my comfort4 ,my mother had failed so much in this regard1 although ,i might not wish to confess it6 ,and it was this act of simple politeness which made me regard ,mlle4 de ,jussat with more attention4 ,the second trait that ,i discovered in her was a taste for the romantic1 not that she had read many romances1 but as ,i have already told you1 her sensibility was extreme1 and this had given her an apprehension of the real4 ,without herself suspecting it she was very different from her father1 her mother and her brothers2 and she could neither show herself to them in the truth of her nature1 nor see them in the truth of theirs without suffering4 ,so she did show herself1 and she forced herself not to see them4 ,she formed1 spontaneously and ingenuously1 opinions of those she loved which were in harmony with her own heart and so directly contrary to the evidence that they would have seemed false or flattering in the eyes of a malevolent observer4 ,she would say to her mother1 who was so ordinary and material3 8,mamma1 you are so quick to see20 to her father so cruelly egotistical3 8,you are so kind1 papa10 and to her brother who was so positive1 so self-sufficient3 8,you understand everything10 and she believed it4 ,but the delusion in which this gentle creature imprisoned herself1 left her a prey to the most complete moral solitude1 and deprived her1 to a very dangerous degree1 of all judgment of character4 ,she was as ignorant of herself as of others4 ,she languished1 unknown to herself1 for the society of some one who should have sentiments in harmony with her own4 ,for example1 ,i observed in the first walks that we took together1 that she was the only one who could really feel the beauty of the landscape formed by the lake1 the woods that surround it1 the distant volcanoes and the autumn sky1 often more blue than the sky of summer because of the contrast of its azure with the gold of the leaves1 and which was sometimes so veiled1 so sadly vaporous and distant4 ,she would fall into silence without any apparent reason1 but really because her whole being became dissolved into the charm of things about her4 ,she possessed in the state of pure instinct and unconscious sensation the faculty which makes the great poets and the great lovers1 namely1 the faculty of forgetting oneself1 of dispelling oneself1 of losing oneself entirely in whatever touches the heart1 whether it be a veiled horizon1 a silent and yellow-tinted forest1 a piece of music or a touching story4 ,i did not1 at the beginning of our acquaintance1 formulate the contrast between that combative animal her brother and this creature of sweetness and grace who ran up the stone staircases of the chteau with a step so light that it seemed scarcely poised1 and whose smile was so welcoming and yet so timid4 ,i will dare to tell all1 since ,i repeat it1 ,i am not writing in order to paint myself in beautiful colors1 but to show myself as ,i am4 ,i will not say that the desire to make myself beloved by this adorable child1 in whose atmosphere ,i began to feel so much pleasure1 was not caused by this contrast between her and her brother4 ,perhaps the soul of this young girl became as a field of battle for the secret1 the obscure antipathy which two weeks had transformed into hate8 ,perhaps there was concealed the cruel pleasure of humiliating the soldier1 the gentleman1 by outraging him in what he held most precious8 ,i know that this is horrible1 but ,i should not be worthy of being your pupil if ,i did not disclose the lowest depth of my heart4 ,and1 after all1 this odious cloud of sensations may be only a necessary phenomenon1 like the others1 like the romantic grace of ,charlotte1 like the simple energy of her brother1 and like my own complexities--so obscure even to myself4 ,,iv4 ,,the ,,first ,,crisis4 ,i remember very distinctly the day on which the project of winning the love of the sister of ,count ,andr presented itself to me1 no longer as a romantically visionary idea1 but as a precise possibility1 near1 almost immediate4 ,after ,i had been at the chteau two months ,i went to ,clermont to pass the ,new-,year holidays with my mother1 and ,i had been back a week4 ,the snow had been falling for forty-eight hours4 ,the winters in our mountains are so severe that nothing but the marquis' monomania can explain his obstinacy in remaining in this savage lone waste1 which is indefinitely swept by sudden and violent gusts of wind4 ,it is proper to state that the marquise watched over the comfort of the household with a marvelous adjustment of daily resources1 and although ,aydat is considered isolated by the inhabitants of ,saint-,saturnin and ,saint-,amand-,tallende1 the communication with ,clermont remains open even in the worst rigor of the season4 ,then the season offers sudden and radiant changes1 mornings of storm are suddenly succeeded by evenings of incomparable azure in which the country beams as if transformed by the enchantment of light4 ,this was the case on the day my fatal resolution became fixed and took form4 ,i can see the lake now1 covered with a thin sheet of ice1 under which the supple shivering of the water could be discerned4 ,i see the vast slope of the ,cheyre1 white with snow1 its whiteness broken by dark spots of lava2 and perfectly white1 without a spot1 rises the circle of mountains1 the ,puy de ,dme1 the ,puy de la ,vache1 that of ,vichatel1 that of ,de la ,rodde1 that of ,mont ,redon1 while the forest of ,rouillet stands out against the background of snow and azure4 ,some minute details rise again before my eyes which were then scarcely noticed and have remained concealed1 one knows not in what hiding-place of the memory4 ,i see a cluster of birches whose despoiled branches are tinted with rose4 ,i see the crystals which sparkle at the end of a tuft of broom which1 thin and still green1 marks the tracks of a fox on the immaculate carpet1 and the flight of a magpie which cries out in the middle of the road1 and this sharp cry renders the silence of this immense horizon almost perceptible4 ,i see some yellow and brown sheep which are driven by a shepherd clothed in a blue blouse1 wearing a large1 low1 round hat1 and accompanied by a red and shaggy dog with shining yellow eyes1 very near together4 ,yes1 ,i can see all this landscape1 and the four persons who are walking on the road which leads toward ,fontfrde3 ,mlle4 ,largeyx1 ,mlle4 de ,jussat1 my pupil and myself4 ,charlotte wore an ,astrakhan jacket2 a fur boa was wrapped around her neck making her head appear still more petite and graceful under its ,astrakhan toque4 ,after the long imprisonment in the chteau the keen air seemed to intoxicate her4 ,her cheeks were red1 her small feet plunged radiantly into the snow1 where they left their slight trace1 and her eyes sparkled with delight at the beauty of nature--a privilege of simple hearts which is never felt when the soul has become desiccated by force of reasoning1 abstract theories and certain kinds of reading4 ,i walked beside her and so rapidly that we were soon far ahead of ,mlle4 ,largeyx1 whose clogs slipped on the road4 ,the child1 sometimes in front1 sometimes behind1 stopped or ran on with the vivacity of a young animal4 ,in the company of these two gay creatures ,i grew gloomy and taciturn4 ,was this the nervous irritation which makes us at certain times antipathetic to the joy which we see around us without sharing it8 ,was it the half-unconscious outline of my future plan1 and did ,i wish to force the young girl to notice me by a kind of hostility against her pleasure8 ,during the whole of this walk1 ,i1 who had formed the habit of talking a great deal with her1 scarcely responded by monosyllables to the admiring remarks which she addressed to me1 as if she wished me to share in the pleasure of her emotions4 ,by brusque replies1 and by silence1 my bad humor became so evident that ,mlle4 de ,jussat1 in spite of her enthusiasm1 could not fail to notice it4 ,she glanced at me two or three times1 with a question on her lips which she did not dare to formulate1 then her face became sad4 ,her gayety fell little by little at contact with my sulkiness1 and ,i could trace upon her transparent face the passage1 by which she ceased to be sensible to the beauty of things and was conscious only of my sadness4 ,the moment came when she could no longer control the impression which this sadness made upon her1 and1 in a voice which timidity rendered a little stifled1 she asked3 8,are you suffering4 ,monsieur ,greslon80 8,no1 mademoiselle10 ,i replied with a brusquerie which must have wounded her1 for her voice trembled as she said3 8,then some one has done something to you8 ,you are not as you usually are40 8,no one has done anything to me10 ,i answered1 shaking my head2 8but it is true10 ,i added1 8that ,i have reasons for being sad1 very sad1 to-day4 ,it is the anniversary of a great grief1 which ,i cannot tell you40 ,she looked at me again1 and ,i could follow in her eyes the movements which agitated her1 as one follows the movements of a watch through a glass case4 ,i had seen her so uneasy at my attitude that she lost her feeling for the divine landscape4 ,i saw her now1 comforted that ,i had no cause for grief against her1 but touched by my melancholy1 curious to know the cause1 and not daring to ask me4 ,she only said3 8,pardon me for questioning you40 ,then she was silent4 ,these few minutes sufficed to show me the place which ,i already occupied in her thoughts4 ,ah6 before the proof of this delicate and noble interest1 ,i should have been ashamed of my falsehood1 for so it was1 this soi-disant recollection of a great grief--a gratuitous and instantaneous falsehood whose sudden invention has often astonished myself4 ,why had ,i suddenly thought to clothe myself in the poetry of a great grief1 ,i whose life1 since the death of my father1 had been so quiet1 so free from any sacrifices8 ,had ,i yielded to the innate taste for duplicating myself always so strong8 ,this romantic affectation1 did it show the hysteria of vanity which urges some children to lie1 without reason and with so much unexpectedness8 ,did a vague intuition cause me to see in this play of deception and melancholy the surest means of interesting the ,count's sister8 ,i cannot tell the precise motives which governed me at that moment4 ,assuredly ,i did not foresee either the effect of my assumed sadness or of my falsehood1 but ,i remember that as soon as the effect was known a resolution was formed in my mind to go on to the end and see what impression ,i could produce on the soul of this young girl1 by continuing1 with consciousness and calculation1 the comedy half-instinctively begun in this luminous afternoon of ,january in presence of a magnificent landscape1 which should have served as a frame for other dreams4 ,now that the irreparable is accomplished1 and by a retrospective penetration1 horribly painful--for it convicts me of ignorance and of cruelty--,i understand that ,i had already inspired ,charlotte with the truest and the tenderest feelings4 ,all the diplomatic psychology which ,i employed was only the odious and ridiculous work of a scholar in the science of the heart4 ,i understand that ,i did not know how to inhale the flowers which bloomed naturally for me in this soul4 ,i had only to let myself know and enjoy the emotions which presented themselves1 to live a sentimental life as exalted and extended as that of my intellect4 ,instead1 ,i paralyzed my heart by ideas4 ,i wished to conquer a soul already conquered1 to play a game of chess1 where ,i needed only to be simple1 and ,i have not even the proud consolation of saying to myself that ,i have1 at least1 directed the drama of my destiny as ,i pleased1 that ,i have combined the scenes1 provoked the episodes1 conducted the intrigue4 ,it was played entirely in her1 and without my comprehending it in the least1 this drama in which ,death and ,love1 the two faithful workers of implacable nature1 acted without my order while mocking at the complications of my analysis4 ,charlotte loved me for reasons quite different from those which my ingenious psychology had arranged4 ,she died in despair1 when by the light of a tragic explanation she saw me in my true nature4 ,then ,i was so horrible to her that she thus gave me irrefutable proof that my subtle reflections were nothing to her4 ,i believed ,i could solve in this amour a problem of mental mechanism4 ,alas6 ,i had simply met1 without feeling its charm1 a sincere and profound tenderness4 ,why did ,i not then divine what ,i see to-day with the clearness of the most cruel evidence8 ,misled by the romantic side of her character1 it was natural that this child should be deceived in me4 ,my long studies had given me the appearance of not being quite well1 which always interests a woman who is truly feminine4 ,having been brought up by my mother1 my manners were gentle1 my voice and gestures refined1 and ,i was scrupulously careful of my person4 ,i had been introduced by the old master who recommended me1 as a person of irreproachable nobility of ideas and character4 ,this was enough to cause a very sensitive young girl to become interested in me in a very particular manner4 ,ah1 well6 ,i had no sooner recognized this interest than ,i thought how to abuse it instead of being touched by it4 ,any one who had seen me in my room on the evening which followed this afternoon1 seated at my table and writing1 with a big book of analysis near me1 would never have believed that this was a young man of scarcely twenty-two years1 meditating on the sentiments which he inspired or wished to inspire in a young girl of twenty4 ,the chteau was asleep4 ,i could hear only the steps of the footman as he extinguished the lamps on the staircase and in the corridors4 ,the wind enveloped the vast building in its groanings1 now plaintive1 now soothing4 ,the west wind is terrible on these heights1 where1 sometimes1 it carries away in a single breath all the slates of a roof4 ,this lamentation of the wind has always increased in me the feeling of internal solitude4 ,my fire burned gently1 and ,i scribbled in my notebook1 which ,i burned before my arrest1 the occurrences of the day and the programme of the experience which ,i proposed to attempt upon the mind of ,mlle4 de ,jussat4 ,i had copied the passage on pity which is found in your 8,theory of the ,passions20 you remember it1 my dear master1 it begins3 8,there is in the phenomenon of pity a physical element1 and which1 especially in women1 is confined to the sexual emotion40 ,it was through pity then1 that ,i proposed to act first upon ,charlotte4 ,i would profit by the first falsehood by which ,i had already moved her1 combining with it a succession of others1 and thus make her love me by making her pity me4 ,there was1 in this use of the most respected of human sentiments for the profit of my curious fancy1 something particularly contrary to the general prejudice1 which flattered my pride most exquisitely4 ,while ,i wrote out this plan with philosophical text to support it1 ,i imagined what ,count ,andr would think1 if he could1 as in the old legends1 from the depths of his garrison town decipher the words which ,i had traced with my pen4 ,at the same time1 the idea alone of directing at will the subtle movements of a woman's brain1 all this sentimental and intellectual clockwork so complicated and so tenuous1 made me compare myself to ,claude ,bernard1 to ,pasteur and to their pupils4 ,these savants vivisected animals4 ,was not ,i going to vivisect at length1 a human soul8 ,in order to draw from this pity which had been surprised rather than provoked1 all the result demanded1 it must first be prolonged4 ,to this end1 ,i resolved to keep up the comedy of sadness by preparing for the day of an explanatory conversation1 more or less distant1 a long1 touching romance of false confidences4 ,i devoted myself1 during the week following our walk1 to feigning a melancholy more or less absorbing1 and to feigning it1 not only in the presence of ,charlotte1 but also during the hours in which ,i was alone with my pupil1 sure that the child would report to his sister the impressions of our tte--tte4 ,you see here1 my dear master1 the proof of the useless machinery ,i was preparing to employ4 ,was there any need of involving this boy1 who had been confided to me1 in this sad intrigue1 and why should ,i join this ruse with the others1 when ,mlle4 de ,jussat did not for a moment doubt my sincerity8 ,we had our lessons1 ,lucien and ,i1 in a large room dignified by the name of library1 because of the shelves which furnished one side of the wall4 ,there1 behind the gratings lined with green linen1 were innumerable volumes bound in sheepskin1 notably all the volumes of the ,encyclopedia4 ,this was a legacy from the founder of the chteau1 a great philosopher1 who had built this habitation among the mountains for the purpose of bringing up his children in the midst of nature and after the precepts of ,emile4 ,the portrait of this gentleman free-thinker1 a mediocre painting in the taste of the period1 with its powder1 and a smile both sceptical and sensible1 adorned one side of the door2 on the other side was that of his wife1 quite coquettish under a high coiffure and with patches on her cheeks4 ,in looking at these two paintings1 while ,lucien translated a bit from ,ovid or from ,titus ,livius1 ,i asked myself what my ancestors were doing for me during the century in which these two persons lived who were represented in these portraits4 ,i imagined1 these rustics from whom ,i am descended pushing the plow1 pruning the vine1 harrowing the ground in the foggy plains of ,lorraine1 like the peasants who passed on the road in front of the chteau1 in all weathers1 and who with boots to their knees1 dragged a metal-tipped stick fastened to the wrist by a strap4 ,this mental picture gave the charm of a kind of lawful vengeance to the care ,i took to compose my physiognomy4 ,it is a singular thing1 that although ,i might detest in theory the doctrines of the ,revolution and the mediocre spiritualism which they conceal1 ,i became again a plebeian in my profound joy in thinking that ,i1 the great-grandson of these farmers1 should perhaps by the force of my mind alone bring to disgrace the great-granddaughter of this great lord and this great lady4 ,i leaned my chin upon my hand1 ,i forced my brow and my eyes to look sad1 knowing that ,lucien was watching the expression of my face1 in the hope of interrupting his task by a talk4 ,when he had several times observed that he did not see the welcoming smile1 nor the indulgent look1 he himself became very anxious4 ,as is natural1 the poor boy took my sadness for severity1 my silence for displeasure ,one morning he ventured to ask3 8,are you angry with me1 monsieur80 8,no1 my child10 ,i replied1 patting his fresh cheek with my hand2 and ,i continued to preserve my troubled look1 while contemplating the snow which beat against the panes4 ,it fell now from morning till evening in large whirling stars1 covering and putting to sleep the whole country1 and in the warm rooms of the chteau there was the silent charm of intimacy1 a distant death of all the noises of the mountains2 while through the window panes1 covered with frost on the outside and a vapor within1 the light sifted languorously4 ,this gave a background of mystery to the figure of melancholy which ,i made1 and which ,i imposed on the observation of ,charlotte whenever we met4 ,when the breakfast bell reunited us in the dining-room1 ,i surprised in the eyes with which she received me the same timid and compassionate curiosity which ,i had noticed during our walk1 whence dated what ,i called in my journal my entrance into my laboratory4 ,she regarded me with the same look when we were all again together1 in the salon at tea1 under the light of the early lamps1 then at the dinner table and again in the long solitude of the evening1 unless1 under pretext of having work to finish1 ,i retired to my room4 ,the monotony of life and of conversation was so complete that there was nothing to help her to shake off the impression of mournful mystery which ,i had inflicted upon her4 ,the marquis1 a prey to the contrasts of his character1 cursed his fatal resolution to remain in this isolation4 ,he announced for the next clear day a departure which he knew would be impossible4 ,it would cost too much now1 and beside1 where could he go8 ,he calculated the chances of seeing his ,clermont friends who had several times breakfasted with him1 but it was before the four hours between ,aydat and the city had been doubled by the bad weather4 ,then he installed himself at the card table1 while the marquise1 the governess and the religieuse applied themselves to their unending work4 ,it was my duty to look after ,lucien who turned the leaves of a book of engravings or played at patience4 ,i placed myself so that when she raised her eyes from the cards which she held in her hands while playing with her father1 the young girl was obliged to see me4 ,i had been interested in hypnotism1 and ,i had in particular studied in all its details1 in your 8,anatomy of the ,will10 the chapter devoted to the singular phenomena of certain moral denominations1 which you have entitled3 8,some demi-suggestions40 ,i depended on taking possession of this unoccupied mind1 until the propitious moment in which1 to complete this work of daily intercourse1 ,i should decide to relate to her my story which1 justifying my sadness1 should end by engrossing her imagination4 ,this story ,i had manufactured upon two principles which you lay down1 my dear master1 in your beautiful chapter on ,love4 ,this chapter1 the theories of the ,ethics on the passions1 and ,m4 ,ribot's book on the 8,maladies of the ,will10 had become my breviaries4 ,permit me to recall these two principles1 at least in their essence4 ,the first is that the majority of beings have sentiment only by imitation2 abandoned to simple nature1 love1 for example1 would be for them as for the animals1 only a sensual instinct1 dissipated as soon as satiated4 ,the second is that jealously may exist before love2 consequently it may sometimes create it1 and may often survive it4 ,much struck by the justness of this double remark1 ,i argued that the romance which ,i should relate to ,mlle4 de ,jussat ought to excite her imagination and irritate her vanity4 ,i had succeeded in touching the cord of pity1 ,i wished to touch that of sentimental emulation and that of self-love4 ,i had then1 founded my story on this idea1 that every woman interested in a man1 is wounded in her vanity if this man shows that he is thinking of another woman4 ,but twenty pages would be necessary to show you how ,i studied over the problem of the invention of this fable4 ,the occasion to relate it to her was furnished by the victim herself1 fifteen days after ,i had begun to put at work what ,i proudly called my experience4 ,the marquis had been told that one volume of the ,encyclopedia was devoted to cards4 ,he wished to find there how to play some old games such as ,imperiale1 ,ombre1 and ,manilla4 ,this brilliant idea had come to him after breakfast1 on seeing in a journal a report of a new game called ,poker1 apropos of which the journalist gave a list of old-fashioned games4 ,when this maniac had conceived a fancy he could not wait1 and his daughter was obliged to go at once to the library1 where ,i was occupied in taking notes4 ,i laid aside ,helvtius upon the 8,mind10 which ,i had discovered among some other books of the eighteenth century4 ,i placed myself at the disposition of ,mlle4 de ,jussat to take down the volume which she desired1 and1 when she took it from my hands1 she said with her habitual grace3 8,i hope that we shall find here some game in which you can take a hand with us4 ,we are so afraid that you do not feel at home here1 you are always so sad40 ,she said these words as if asking pardon for an indelicacy1 which had impressed me before1 and escaping the familiarity of her remark by a 8we0 which ,i too well knew to be untruthful4 ,her voice was so gentle1 we were so alone that the time seemed to have come to explain my feigned sadness4 8,ah6 mademoiselle10 ,i answered1 8if you only knew my history40 ,if ,charlotte had not been the credulous creature1 the romantic child that she was1 in spite of her two or three seasons in ,paris1 she would have seen that ,i was beginning a tale prepared beforehand1 by this introduction1 by the turn of the sentences with which ,i continued4 ,i was too clumsy1 too awkwardly affected4 ,i told her then that ,i had been betrothed at ,clermont to a young girl1 but secretly4 ,i thought to make this adventure more poetical in her eyes by insinuating that this girl was a foreigner1 a ,russian visiting one of her relations4 ,i added that this girl had allowed me to tell her that ,i loved her1 and she had also told me that she loved me4 ,we had exchanged vows1 then she had gone away4 ,a rich marriage offered1 and she had betrayed me for money4 ,i was careful to insist on my poverty1 and let her understand that my mother lived almost entirely on what ,i earned4 ,this was a detail invented on the spot1 for hypocrisy doubles itself in expression4 ,in truth this was a scene of a childish and rascally comedy1 which ,i played with very little skill4 ,but the reasons which determined me to lie in this fashion were so special that they exacted an extraordinary penetration to be comprehended1 a total attention of my mind1 almost your genius1 my dear master4 ,the visible embarrassment of my position could so easily be attributed to the trouble inseparable from such remembrances4 ,as ,i was perfectly cool while ,i was telling this fable1 ,i could observe ,charlotte4 ,she listened without any sign of emotion1 her eyes lowered on the big book which supported her hand4 ,she took the book when ,i had finished1 and replied in a blank voice1 as they say1 one of those voices which betrays no sentiment of the speaker3 8,i do not understand how you could have had any confidence in this young girl1 since she listened to you without the knowledge of her parents40 ,and she went away with a simple inclination of her graceful head1 carrying the book with her4 ,how pretty she was in her dress of fine1 light cloth1 with her slender form1 her small waist1 her face quite long and lighted up by her thoughtful gray eyes6 ,she was like a ,madonna engraved after ,memling1 whose profile ,i had formerly so much admired1 fervent1 lovely and mournful1 on the first page of a large copy of the 8,imitation10 belonging to the ,abb ,martel4 ,explain to me this other enigma of the heart1 you1 the great psychologist2 never have ,i felt more the charm of this pure and gentle being than at the moment when ,i had just lied to her1 and lied so uselessly as ,i imagined from her response4 ,yes1 ,i took this response literally1 which1 on the contrary1 should have encouraged me to hope4 ,i did not guess that to have only listened to a confidence so intimate was for a being so proud and so reserved1 so far above me1 a proof of a very powerful sympathy4 ,i did not consider that this almost severe remark was dictated in part by the secret jealousy which ,i had desired to arouse in her1 in part by a need to strengthen herself in her own principles so as to justify to herself her excessive familiarity4 ,as she had not been able to read the falsehood in my story1 so ,i had not seen the truth behind her reply4 ,i felt all the hopes which ,i had been building up for the past fortnight crumble before me4 ,no4 ,she was not interested in me with a genuine interest which ,i could transform into passion4 ,i drew up the balance sheet of our relations4 ,what proof had ,i of this interest8 ,the delicacy of the material cares with which she had surrounded me8 ,this was a simple effect of her goodness4 ,her attempt to find out the cause of my melancholy8 ,ah1 well6 she had been curious1 that was all4 ,the timid accent of her voice when she questioned me8 ,i had been a fool not to recognize the habitual modesty of a delicate girl4 ,conclusion3 my comedy of these two weeks1 my grimaces la ,chatterton1 the falsehood of my so-called drama1 so many ridiculous maneuvers1 had not advanced me a line in the heart ,i wished to conquer4 ,i turned again to my book1 but ,i was no longer capable of fixing my attention on the abstract text of ,helvtius4 ,i recall this childishness1 my dear master1 that you may the better perceive what a strange mixture of innocence and depravity was elaborated in my mind4 ,what did this unexpected deception prove1 if not that ,i had imagined ,i could direct the thought of ,charlotte1 by applying to her the laws of psychology borrowed from the philosophers1 as absolutely as her brother directed the billiard balls8 ,the white touches the red a little to the left1 goes on the cushions1 and returns to the other white4 ,that is outlined by the hand on the paper1 that is explained by a formula1 that is foreseen and is done ten times1 twenty times1 a hundred times1 ten thousand times4 ,in spite of my enormous reading1 perhaps because of it1 ,i saw the play of the passions in this state of ideal simplicity4 ,i did not comprehend till later how much ,i was deceived4 ,in order to define the phenomena of the heart we must go to the vegetable1 and not to the mechanical world for analogies1 and to direct these phenomena we must employ the methods of the botanist1 patient graftings1 long waiting1 careful training4 ,a sentiment is born1 grows1 expands1 withers like a plant1 by an evolution sometimes retarded1 sometimes rapid1 but always unconscious4 ,the germ of pity1 of jealousy1 and of dangerous example planted by my ruse in the soul of ,charlotte must develop its action1 but only after days and days1 and this action would be the more irresistible as she believed me to be in love with another and that in consequence she would not think to defend herself against me4 ,but to account in advance for this work and to discount the hope of it1 one would have to be a ,ribot1 a ,horwicz1 an ,adrien ,sixte1 that is1 a connoisseur of souls1 instead of one like me1 ignorant that the plain over which he is walking will be covered with grain and not suspecting the approaching harvest4 ,the conviction that ,i had definitely failed in my first effort increased during the days which followed this false confidence4 ,for ,charlotte scarcely spoke to me4 ,i know now1 from her own confession1 that she concealed under this coldness a growing agitation which disconcerted her by its novelty1 its force and its depth4 ,in the meantime she appeared absorbed in the game of backgammon which the marquis had discovered in the ,encyclopedia4 ,recollecting that this had been the favorite pastime of his grandfather1 the emigr1 he had given up all other games4 ,a merchant of ,clermont had been able to send him the necessary articles with which to satisfy this caprice4 ,the backgammon table was installed in the salon and father and daughter passed their evenings in throwing the dice1 which made a dry noise against the wooden ledge4 ,the cabalistic terms of little table1 big table1 outer table1 double ace1 double threes1 two fives1 were intermingled now with the words of the marquise and her two companions4 ,sometimes the cur of ,aydat1 the ,abb ,barthomeuf1 an old priest who said mass in the chapel of the chteau on ,thursdays when the weather was very severe1 would relieve ,charlotte by playing with the marquis4 ,although the marquis treated me with irreproachable politeness1 he had never asked me if ,i wished to learn to play4 ,the difference which he established between the abb and myself humiliated me1 by the oddest contradiction1 for ,i much preferred to remain in my low chair reading a book1 or observing the character of the different persons from their physiognomies4 ,is it not always so when one is in a position which is thought to be inferior8 ,any inequality of treatment wounds the self-love4 ,i took my revenge in observing the ridiculousness of the abb1 who professed1 for the chteau in general and the marquis in particular1 an almost idolatrous admiration4 ,his face which was always red became apoplectic when he took his seat opposite the marquis1 and the prospect of winning the silver coins designed to make the game more interesting made the dice-cup tremble in his hand at the decisive throws4 ,this observation did not occupy me long1 and ,i turned to follow the young girl1 who seated herself at her work near her mother4 ,the failure of my attempt to win her love had made me more cruel1 in proportion to the admiration ,i had before felt for the innocent grace of this child4 ,to confess all1 ,i began to feel1 in her atmosphere1 emotions of an order more sensual than psychological4 ,i was a young man1 and ,i had in my flesh1 in spite of my philosophical resolutions1 the memory of sex of which you have so authoritatively analyzed the persistent fatality and the invincible reviviscence4 ,how long this period of inertia at once impassioned and discouraged1 might have lasted1 ,i do not know4 ,we were1 ,mlle4 de ,jussat and ,i1 in a very peculiar situation1 impelled one toward the other1 she by a budding love of which she was ignorant1 ,i by all the confused reasons which ,i have analyzed4 ,although we were together so many hours of the day1 neither of us then suspected the sentiments of the other4 ,in such circumstances1 one does not consider whether the events which mark a new crisis are effects or causes1 whether their importance resides in themselves or whether they simply serve to manifest the latent conditions of the soul4 ,but may we not put this question apropos of each destiny taken in its whole8 ,how many times1 above all since ,i consume my hours in this cell between these four whitewashed walls1 seeing only the empty sky through four openings at the edge of the roof1 in searching and searching again into my short history1 have ,i asked myself if our fate creates our mind1 or if it is not our mind which creates our fate1 even our external destiny8 ,it happened one evening that the marquis1 seated with his back to the fire in the robe-de-chambre1 which he sometimes wore all day1 spoke at length to his wife of an article in the morning paper4 ,i was holding this paper at the time1 and ,m4 de ,jussat said to me quite suddenly3 8,would you read this article1 ,monsieur ,greslon80 ,i admired1 once more1 the art with which this grand seigneur rendered the most trifling demands insolent4 ,his tone alone was sufficient to chill me4 ,i obeyed however1 and began to read this chronicle1 more finely written than such articles usually are1 and in which were revived all the picturesqueness and coloring of a fancy ball1 with a curious mixture of reporting and poetry4 ,during the reading the marquis regarded me in astonishment4 ,i must tell you1 my dear master1 that at the time of my friendship with ,emile1 ,i had acquired a real talent for diction4 ,during his illness my little comrade had no greater pleasure than to hear me read4 8,you read very well1 very well60 cried ,m4 de ,jussat when ,i had finished4 ,his astonishment made his eulogy a new wound to my self-esteem4 ,it was too plain that he did not expect to find much talent in a silent and timid young man of ,clermont1 who had come to the chteau on the recommendation of old ,limasset1 to be a valet de lettres4 ,then1 following as usual1 the impulse of his caprice1 he continued3 8,that is an idea4 ,you shall read for us in the evening4 ,that will amuse us a little better than this trictrac4 ,little jan1 big jan1 it is always the same thing1 and then the noise of the dice sets my teeth on edge4 ,this beastly country6 ,if the snow ever stops again1 we will not stay here eight days4 ,and what book are you going to begin with80 ,thus ,i found myself promoted to a new service1 without even being allowed to consider whether it would interfere with my studies or not1 for ,i often brought into the salon some of my books that ,i might study a little without leaving ,lucien4 ,but ,i did not for a moment think of evading this task4 ,first the brusqueness of the marquis had brought me a glance almost supplicating from ,charlotte1 one of those glances by which a woman knows how to ask pardon1 for the error of some one whom she loves4 ,then1 a new project took form in my mind4 ,might not this task be utilized to the profit of the enterprise commenced1 abandoned1 and which the look of ,mlle4 de ,jussat made me think was still possible8 ,to the question of the marquis upon the choice of the book1 ,i responded that ,i would consider4 ,and ,i looked for a work which would permit me to approach the prey around which ,i turned1 as ,i once saw1 near the ,puy du ,dme1 a kite wheel around and above a poor little bird4 ,was not this an opportunity to try by another method this influence of imitation1 which ,i had vainly hoped from my false confidence8 ,it is to you1 my dear master1 that we owe the strongest pages which have been written upon that which you so justly call the ,literary ,mind1 upon this unconscious modeling of our heart to the resemblance of the passions painted by the poets4 ,i saw in this then1 a means of acting upon ,charlotte which ,i reproached myself for not having thought of before4 ,but how was ,i to find a romance which was passionate enough to excite her1 and outwardly correct enough to be read before the assembled family8 ,i literally ransacked the library4 ,its incoherent and contrasted composition1 reflected the residence of its successive masters and the chances of their taste4 ,there were all the principal works of the eighteenth century of which ,i have spoken--then a hiatus4 ,during the emigration the chteau had remained unoccupied4 ,then a lot of romantic books in their first editions attested the literary aspirations of the father of the marquis1 who had been the friend of ,lamartine4 ,then came the worst of contemporaneous romances1 those which are bought on the railway1 half-bound1 cut sometimes with the finger1 or a page lost1 and some treatises on political economy1 an abandoned hobby of ,m4 de ,jussat4 ,at last ,i discovered amid all this rubbish a 8,eugnie ,grandet10 which appeared to me to fill the conditions desired4 ,there is nothing more attractive to a fresh imagination than these idyls at once chaste and fervid in which innocence envelops passion in a penumbra of poesy4 ,but the marquis must have known this celebrated romance by heart1 and ,i apprehended that he would refuse to listen to it4 8,bravo60 he replied when ,i submitted my idea to him1 8that is one of the books that one reads once1 talks about always and entirely forgets4 ,i saw this ,balzac once in ,paris1 at the ,castries4 ,it is more than forty years ago4 ,i was a youngster then4 ,but ,i remember him well1 fat1 short and stubby1 noisy1 important1 with beautiful bright eyes and a common air40 ,the fact is that after the first pages1 he fell asleep1 while the marquise4 ,mlle4 ,largeyx and the religieuse knit1 and ,lucien1 who had recently come into possession of a box of colors conscientiously illuminated the illustrations of a large volume4 ,while reading ,i observed ,charlotte1 and it was not difficult to see that this time my calculation had been correct1 and that she vibrated under the phrases of the romance as a violin under a skillful bow4 ,everything was prepared to receive this impression1 from her feelings already stirred to her nerves strained by an influence of a physical kind4 ,one cannot live with impunity for weeks in such an atmosphere as that of the chteau1 always warm1 nearly stifling4 ,from that evening1 this child hung on my lips as the ingenuous loves of ,eugnie and her cousin ,charles disclosed their touching episodes4 ,the same instinct of comedy which had guided me in my false confidence made me throw into every phrase the intonation which ,i thought would please her most4 ,i certainly enjoyed this book1 although ,i preferred ten other of ,balzac's works1 such1 for example1 as the 8,cur de ,tours10 which are veritable literary compendiums1 each phrase of which contains more philosophy than a scholium of ,spinoza4 ,i forced myself to appear touched by the misfortunes of the miser's daughter1 in my most secret fibres2 and my voice grew pitiful over the sweet recluse of ,saumur4 ,here1 as before1 ,i gave myself useless trouble4 ,there was no need of an art so complicated4 ,in the crisis of imaginative sensibility through which ,charlotte was passing1 any romance of love was a peril4 ,if the father and mother had possessed1 even in a feeble degree1 that spirit of observation which parents ought to exercise without ceasing1 they would have divined this peril of their daughter1 more and more captivated during the three evenings that this reading lasted4 ,the marquise simply remarked that characters so black as father ,grandet and the cousin did not exist4 ,as for the marquis1 he knew too much of the world to proffer any such opinion1 he formulated the cause of his ennui during the reading4 8,it is decidedly overdrawn4 ,these unfinished descriptions1 these analyses1 these numerical calculations6 ,they are all very good1 ,i do not say they are not4 ,but when ,i read a romance ,i wish to be amused40 ,and he concluded that he must send to the ,library of ,clermont immediately for the comedies of ,labiche4 ,i was in despair at this new fancy4 ,i would again be powerless to act upon the imagination of the young girl1 just at the moment when ,i could feel success probable4 ,this showed that ,i did not know the need which this soul1 already touched1 felt1 unknown to herself1 the need of drawing near to me1 of comprehending me and making herself comprehended by me1 of living in contact with my mind4 ,the next day after that on which the marquis had issued the decree of proscription against analytical romances1 ,mlle4 de ,jussat entered the library at the hour ,i was there with her brother4 ,she came to replace the volume of the ,encyclopedia2 and with a half-embarrassed smile3 8,i would like to ask a favor of you10 she said timidly4 8,i have a great deal of time here1 with which ,i do not know very well what to do4 ,i would like to have your advice in regard to my reading4 ,the book which you chose the other day gave me a great deal of pleasure40 ,she added3 8,ordinarily romances weary me1 but that one was very interesting40 ,i felt1 at hearing her speak in that way1 the joy which ,count ,andr must have tasted when he saw the enemy whom he killed during the war put his inquisitive head above the wall4 ,it seemed to me as if ,i1 too1 held my human game at the end of my gun4 ,the response to this request appeared to me so important that ,i feigned to be very much embarrassed4 ,in thanking her for her confidence ,i said to her that she had charged me with a very delicate mission for which ,i felt myself incapable4 ,in brief1 ,i made believe to decline a favor1 which ,i was charmed to intoxication to have obtained4 ,she insisted1 and ,i promised to give her the next day a list of books4 ,i passed the evening and a part of the night in taking and rejecting in my mind hundreds of volumes4 ,at last ,i repeated aloud my father's favorite formula3 8,let us proceed methodically10 and ,i asked myself how books had acted on my imagination1 in my adolescence1 and what books8 ,i stated that ,i had been attracted most of all toward literature by the unknown of sentimental experience4 ,it was the desire to assimilate unexperienced emotions which had bewitched me4 ,i concluded that this was the general law of literary intoxication4 ,i must then choose for this girl some books which should awake in her the same ideas while taking into account the difference of our characters4 ,charlotte was refined1 pure and tender4 ,she must be led into the dangerous road of romantic curiosity by descriptions of sentiments analogous to her own heart4 ,i judged that the 8,dominique0 of ,fromentin1 the 8,princesse de ,clves10 8,valrie10 8,julia de ,trcur10 the 8,lys dans la valle10 the 8,reisebilder0 of ,heine1 certain comedies of ,musset1 in particular 8,on ne badine pas avec l'amour10 the first poetry of ,sully ,prudhomme and that of ,vigny1 would best serve my purpose4 ,i took the trouble to write out this list1 accompanying it with a tempting commentary1 in which ,i indicated in my best manner the shade of delicacy proper to each of these writers4 ,that is the letter which the poor child had kept1 and of which the magistrates said it seemed like the beginning of courtship4 ,ah6 the strange courtship1 and so different from the vulgar ambition of the marriage with which these gross minds have stupidly reproached me6 ,if ,i had not a reason of pride for refusing to defend myself which ,i will give you at the end of this memoir1 ,i would be silent from disgust of these low intelligences1 of which not one would be able to comprehend an action dictated by pure reason4 ,if they had only made you1 my dear master1 and the other princes of modern thought1 my judges6 ,then ,i would speak1 as ,i am speaking now to you4 ,the works thus designated arrived from ,clermont4 ,they were the object of no remark on the part of the marquis4 ,it is necessary to have another reach of mind than that of this poor man to comprehend that there are no bad books4 ,there are bad moments in which to read the best of books4 ,you have a comparison so just in your chapter on 8,l'me littraire10 when you liken the sore opened in certain imaginations by certain readings to the well-known phenomenon produced on the body poisoned by diabetes4 ,the most inoffensive prick becomes envenomed with gangrene4 ,if there were need of a proof of this theory of 8the preliminary state10 as you say again1 ,i should find it in the fact that ,mlle4 de ,jussat sought in these books for things so diverse1 for information about me1 my manner of feeling1 of thinking1 of understanding life and character4 ,every chapter1 every page of these dangerous volumes became an occasion for questioning me long1 passionately1 and ingenuously4 ,i am certain that she was sincere1 and that she did not imagine she was doing anything wrong when she came to talk with me apropos of such or such a phrase about ,dominique or ,julia1 ,flix de ,vandenesse or ,perdican4 ,i remember the horror which she felt for the young man1 the most captivating and the most guilty of ,musset's heroes1 and the heat with which ,i stigmatized his duplicity of heart between ,camille and ,rosette4 ,now1 there was no personage in any book1 who pleased me to the same degree as this lover at once traitorous and sincere1 disloyal and loving1 ingnu and rou1 who achieved1 in his way1 his experience of sentimental vivisection upon his pretty and proud cousin4 ,i have cited this example1 among twenty others1 to give you an idea of the conversations which we had now in this chteau in which we were so strangely isolated4 ,no one watched us4 ,the dissimulation in which ,i had masked myself on my arrival continued to cover me4 ,the marquis and the marquise had formed from the first an image entirely different from my real nature4 ,they took no pains to verify whether this first impression were exact or false4 ,the good ,mlle4 ,largeyx1 installed in the comfort of her complacent parasitism1 was much too innocent to suspect the thoughts of depravity perfectly intellectual which were revolving in my mind4 ,the ,abb ,bartholomew and ,sister ,anaclet1 whom a secret rivalry separated1 concealed under the form of an amiability quite ecclesiastic1 had only one care1 that of pleasing the master and mistress of the chteau1 the priest for the benefit of his church1 and the religieuse for that of her order4 ,lucien was too young1 and1 as for the domestics1 ,i had not yet learned what perfidy was veiled under the impassibility of their smooth faces and the irreproachable appearance of their brown livery with its gold buttons4 ,we were then free1 ,charlotte and ,i1 to talk the whole day4 ,she appeared first in the morning1 in the dining-room where my pupil and ,i took our tea1 and there1 under the pretext of breakfasting together1 we talked at one corner of the table1 she in all the perfumed freshness of her bath1 with her hair hanging down in a heavy plait1 and the suppleness of her lovely form visible under the material of her half-fitting morning dress4 ,i saw her again in the library where she always had some excuse for coming2 and by this time her hair was dressed1 and she had assumed the toilette of the day4 ,we met again in the drawing-room before the second breakfast and still again2 and she waited upon us with her customary grace1 distributing the coffee a little hurriedly that she might linger near me whom she served last1 which permitted us to talk in an angle of the window4 ,when the weather would permit we went out1 the governess1 ,charlotte1 my pupil1 and ,i1 in the afternoon4 ,at five-o'clock tea we were again together1 then at dinner1 when ,i sat near her1 and in the evening we conversed almost as if we were really alone4 ,i mentally compared the phenomena which were taking place in this girl1 to that which ,i had observed several times in taming animals4 ,at one time ,i had written some chapters on animal psychology4 ,a theorem of ,spinoza had served me for a starting point4 ,i cannot now recall the text1 but this is the sense3 to reproduce a movement1 you must do it yourself4 ,that is true of man1 and it is true of the animal4 ,a savant of rare merit and whom you know well1 ,m4 ,espinas1 has explained that all society is founded on resemblance4 ,i have concluded that for a man to tame an animal1 to bring it to live in his society1 he must1 in his relations with this animal1 make only those movements which the animal can reproduce1 that is to resemble him4 ,i have verified this law in establishing the species of analogy of expression between a hunter and his dog1 for example4 ,i found--and this was the sign that ,mlle4 de ,jussat was becoming a little tamer each day--that we began to employ analogous expressions1 turns of thought almost the same4 ,i found myself accenting my words as she did hers1 and ,i observed in her gestures which resembled mine4 ,in fine1 ,i became a part of her life1 without her perceiving it1 so careful was ,i not to startle this soul just ready to be taken by a word that would cause her to feel her danger4 ,this life of watchful diplomacy1 to which ,i was condemned during nearly two months that these simply intellectual relations lasted1 did not pass without almost daily internal struggles4 ,to interest this mind1 to invade this imagination little by little1 was not all of my programme4 ,i wished to be loved1 and ,i knew that this moral interest was only the beginning of passion4 ,this beginning ought to lead in order not to remain useless to something more than a sentimental intimacy4 ,there is in your 8,theory of the ,passions10 my dear master1 a note which ,i read so much at that time that ,i know the text by heart3 8,a well-prepared study of the lives of professional libertines10 say you1 8would throw a definite light upon the problem of the birth of love4 ,but the documents are lacking4 ,these men have nearly all been men of action1 and who1 in consequence1 did not know how to relate4 ,however1 some works of a superior psychological interest1 the 8,memoires0 of ,casanova1 the 8,private ,life of ,marshal de ,richelieu10 the chapter of ,saint-,simon on ,lauzun1 authorize us to say that nineteen times out of twenty audacity and physical familiarity are the surest means of creating love4 ,this hypothesis confirms our doctrine on the animal origin of this passion40 ,sometimes when we were alone together1 and she moved1 and her feet approached mine1 and when she breathed and ,i felt that she was a living creature1 the feverish wave of intoxication ran through my veins1 and ,i was obliged to turn my eyes away1 for their expression would have made her afraid4 ,often also1 when ,i was away from her1 it seemed to me that audacity would be much more easy as it would be more complete4 ,i resolved then to clasp her in my arms1 to press my lips to hers4 ,i saw her feeling badly at my caress1 overcome1 confounded by this revelation of my ardor4 ,what would happen then8 ,my heart beat at this idea4 ,it was not the fear of being driven from the chteau that held me back4 ,it was more shameful to my pride not to dare4 ,and ,i did not dare4 ,the inability to act is a trait of my character1 but only when ,i am not sustained by an idea4 ,let the idea be there and it infuses an invincible energy into my being4 ,to go to my death would be easy4 ,you will see that1 if ,i am condemned4 ,no1 what paralyzed me near ,mlle4 de ,jussat as by a magnetic influence was her purity6 ,at least ,i have felt1 with singular force1 this recoil before innocence4 ,often when ,i felt this invisible barrier between ,charlotte and myself1 ,i have recalled the legends of guardian angels1 and comprehended the birth of this poetic conceit of ,catholicism4 ,reduced to reality by analysis1 this phenomenon simply proves that in the relations between two beings1 there is a reciprocity of action of one upon the other unknown to either4 ,if by calculation ,i forced myself to resemble this girl in order to tame her1 ,i experienced without calculation the species of moral suggestion which all true character imposes upon us4 ,the extreme simplicity of her mind triumphed at times over my ideas1 my remembrances1 and my desires4 ,finally1 although judging this weakness to be unworthy of a brain like mine1 ,i respected her1 as if ,i had not known the value of this word respect1 and that it represents the most stupid of all our ignorances4 ,do we respect the player who ten times in succession strikes the rouge or the noir8 ,well1 in this hazardous lottery of the universe1 virtue and vice are the rouge and noir4 ,an honest woman and a lucky player have equal merit4 ,the spring arrived in the midst of these agitating alternations of audacious projects1 stupid timidity1 contradictory reasonings1 wise combinations and ingenuous ardors4 ,and such a spring6 ,one must have experienced the severity of winter among these mountains1 then the sudden sweetness of the renewal of nature1 to appreciate the charm of life which floats in this atmosphere when ,april and ,may bring back the sacred season4 ,it comes first across the meadows in an awaking of the water which shudders under the thin ice2 it bursts through and then runs singing on1 light1 transparent and free4 ,it comes through the woods in a continuous murmur of snow which detaches itself piece by piece and falls upon the evergreen branches of the pines and the yellow and dried leaves of the oaks4 ,the lake freed from its ice takes to shivering under the wind which sweeps away the clouds1 and the azure appears1 the azure of a mountain sky1 clearer1 deeper than that of the plain2 and in some days the uniform color of the landscape is tinted with colors tender and young4 ,the delicate buds begin to appear on the naked branches4 ,the greenish aments of hazels alternate with the yellowish catkins of the willows4 ,even the black lava of the ,cheyre appears to be animated4 ,the velvety fructifications of the mosses mingle with the whitening spots of the lichens4 ,the craters of the ,puy de la ,vache and of the ,puy de ,lassolas disclose little by little the splendor of their red gravel4 ,the silvery trunks of the birches and the changeable trunks of the beeches shine in the sun with a lively splendor4 ,in the thickets1 the beautiful flowers which ,i had formerly picked with my father1 and whose corollas looked at me as if they were eyes1 and whose aroma followed me like a breath1 began to bloom4 ,the periwinkle1 the primrose1 and the violet appeared first1 then in succession the cuckoo-flower with its shade of lilac1 the daphne which bears its pink flowers before it has any leaves1 the white anemone1 the two-leaved harebell1 with its odor of hyacinth1 ,solomon's seal with its white bells and its mysterious root which walks under the ground1 the lily-of-the-valley in the hollows1 and the eglantine along the hedges4 ,the breeze which came from the white domes of the mountain passed over these flowers4 ,it brought with it perfumes something of the sun and the snow1 so caressing and so fresh1 that only to breathe was to be intoxicated with youth1 was to participate in the renewal of the vast world2 and ,i1 fixed as ,i was in my doctrines and my theories1 felt the puberty of all nature4 ,the ice of abstract ideas in which my soul was imprisoned melted4 ,when ,i read over the pages of my journal1 now destroyed1 in which ,i had noted my sensations1 ,i am astonished to see with what force the sources of ingenuousness were reopened in me under this influence1 and with what a rushing flood they inundated my heart4 ,i am vexed with myself for thinking of it in this cowardly spirit4 ,however1 ,i experience a pleasure in remembering that at this period ,i sincerely loved her who is now no more4 ,i repeat it with a real relief1 that at least on the day that ,i dared to tell her of my love--fatal day which marked the beginning of our separation--,i was the sincere dupe of my own words4 ,the declaration on which ,i had deliberated so much was1 however1 simply the effect of chance4 ,it was the #abth of ,may4 ,ah6 it is less than a year ago6 ,in the morning the weather had been even more than usually fine1 and in the afternoon ,mlle4 ,largeyx1 ,lucien1 ,charlotte and ,i started to go to the village of ,saint-,saturnin through a wood of oaks1 of birches and hazels which separated this village from the ruined chteau of ,montredon1 and which is called the ,pradat wood4 ,we had taken the little ,english cart which could hold four if necessary4 ,never was a day more warm1 a sky more blue1 never was the odor of spring borne by the wind more exhilarating4 ,we had not walked a league when ,mlle4 ,largeyx1 fatigued by the sun1 took her seat in the cart which was driven by the second coachman4 ,the rogue has sworn cruelly against me1 and has recalled all that he knew or guessed of what ,i myself am going to relate to you4 ,lucien also soon declared himself tired1 and joined the governess1 so that ,i was left to walk alone with ,mlle4 de ,jussat4 ,she had taken it into her head to make a bouquet of lilies-of-the-valley1 and ,i helped her in this work4 ,we were busy under the branches1 which were covered with a sort of delicate green cloud of the scarcely opened foliage4 ,she walked ahead1 drawn far from the edge of the wood in her search for the flowers4 ,we found ourselves at last in a clearing1 and so far away that we could not see the group made by the cart and the three persons4 ,charlotte first perceived our solitude4 ,she listened1 and not hearing the noise of the horse's feet on the road1 she cried out with the laughter of a child3 8,we are lost4 ,fortunately the road is not hard to rembourser1 as poor ,sister ,anaclet says4 ,will you wait until ,i arrange my bouquet8 ,it would be a pity to have these beautiful flowers spoil40 ,she sat down on a rock which was bathed in sunlight1 and spread the flowers on her lap1 taking up the sprays of lilies one by one4 ,i inhaled the musky perfume of these pale racemes1 seated on the other extremity of the stone4 ,never had this creature1 toward whom all my thoughts had tended for months1 appeared so adorably delicate and refined as at this moment with her face daintily colored by the fresh air1 with the deep red of her lips which were bent in a half-smile1 with the clear limpidity of her gray eyes1 with the symmetry of her entire being4 ,she harmonized in a manner almost supernatural with the country about us by the charm of youth which emanated from her person4 ,the longer ,i looked at her the more ,i was convinced that if ,i did not seize this occasion to tell her what ,i had wished to declare for so long a time1 ,i should never again find another opportunity so propitious4 ,this idea grew in my mind1 mingled with the remorse of seeing her1 so confident1 so unsuspicious of the patient work by which1 abusing our daily intimacy1 ,i had brought her to treat me with a gentleness almost fraternal4 ,my heart beat violently4 ,the magic of her presence excited my entire being4 ,unfortunately she turned toward me for a moment1 to show me the bouquet which was nearly finished4 ,no doubt she saw in my face the trace of the emotion which my pride of thought raised in me1 for her face which had been so joyous1 so frank1 suddenly grew anxious4 ,i ought to say that during our conversations of these two months we had avoided1 she from delicacy1 ,i from shrewdness1 any allusion to the romance of deception by which ,i had tried to excite her pity4 ,i understood how thoroughly she had believed in this romance and that she had not ceased to think of it1 when she said with an involuntary melancholy in her eyes3 8,why do you spoil this beautiful day by sad remembrances8 ,i thought you had become more reasonable40 8,no60 ,i responded2 8you do not know what makes me sad4 ,ah6 it is not remembrances4 ,you refer to my former griefs4 ,you are mistaken4 ,there is no more place in my mind for memories than there is on these branches for last year's leaves40 ,i heard my voice as if it had been that of some one else1 at the same time ,i read in her eyes that1 in spite of the poetical comparison by which ,i had concealed the direct meaning of this phrase1 she understood me4 ,how was it that what had been so impossible now seemed easy8 ,how was it that ,i dared to do what ,i had believed ,i should never dare to do8 ,i took her hand which trembled in mine as if the child were seized with a frightful terror4 ,she rose to go away1 but her knees trembled so that ,i had no difficulty in constraining her to sit down again4 ,i was so overcome by my own audacity that ,i could not control myself1 and ,i began to tell her my feelings for her in words which ,i cannot recall now4 ,all the emotions through which ,i had passed1 since my arrival at the chteau1 yes all1 even from the most detestable1 those of my envy of ,count ,andr1 to the best1 my remorse at abusing the confidence of a young girl1 were dissolved in an adoration almost mystical1 and half-mad1 for this trembling1 agitated1 and beautiful creature4 ,i saw her while ,i was speaking grow as pale as the flowers which were scattered in her lap4 ,i remember that words came to me which were excited to madness1 wild to imprudence1 and that ,i ended by repeating3 8,how ,i love you6 ,ah6 ,how ,i love you60 ,clasping her hand in mine and drawing her nearer and nearer to me4 ,i passed my free arm around her waist without even thinking1 in my own agitation1 of kissing her4 ,this gesture1 by alarming her1 gave her the energy to rise and disengage herself4 ,she moaned rather than said3 8,leave me1 leave me40 ,and stepping backward1 her hands held out in front of her as if to defend herself1 she went to the trunk of a birch tree4 ,there she leaned1 panting with emotion1 while the big tears rolled down her cheeks4 ,there was so much of wounded modesty in these tears1 so painful a revulsion1 in the tremulousness of her half-open lips1 that ,i remained where ,i was muttering3 8,pardon40 8,be still10 said she1 making a motion with her hand4 ,we remained thus opposite one another and silent for a time which must have been very short1 but which seemed an eternity to me4 ,all at once a cry crossed the wood1 at first distant1 then nearer1 that of a voice imitating the cry of the cuckoo4 ,they had grown uneasy at our absence1 and it was ,lucien who gave the usual signal for rallying4 ,at this simple reminder of reality ,charlotte shivered4 ,the blood came back to her cheeks4 ,she looked at me with eyes in which pride had driven away fear4 ,she looked like one who had just awaked from a horrible sleep4 ,she looked at her hands1 which still shook1 and1 without another word1 she took up her gloves and her flowers1 and began to run1 yes1 to run like a pursued animal1 in the direction of the voice4 ,ten minutes after we were again on the road4 8,i do not feel very well10 she said to her governess1 as if to anticipate the question which her disturbed face would provoke2 8will you give me a place in the carriage8 ,we are going home40 8,it is the heat which has made you feel badly10 replied the old demoiselle4 8,and ,m4 ,greslon80 asked ,lucien when his sister had taken her seat and he was in behind4 8,i will walk10 ,i answered4 ,the cart moved lightly on1 in spite of its quadruple burden1 while ,lucien waved me an adieu4 ,i could see the hat of ,mlle4 de ,jussat immovable by the side of the shoulder of the coachman1 who gave a 8pull up0 to his horse1 then the carriage disappeared and ,i walked along alone1 under the same blue sky1 and between the same trees covered with an impalpable verdure4 ,but an extraordinary anguish had replaced the cheerfulness and the happy ardor of the beginning of the walk4 ,this time the die had been thrown4 ,i had given battle1 ,i had lost2 ,i should be sent away from the chteau ignobly4 ,it was less this prospect which overcame me than a strange mingling of regret and of shame4 ,behold whither my learned psychology had led me6 ,behold the result of this siege en rgle undertaken against the heart of this young girl6 ,not a word on her part in response to the most impassioned declaration1 and ,i1 at the moment for action1 what had ,i found to do but recite some romantic phrases8 ,and she1 by a simple gesture1 had fixed me to my place6 ,i saw in imagination the face of ,count ,andr4 ,i saw in a flash the expression of contempt when they should tell him of this scene4 ,finally1 ,i was no longer the subtle psychologist or the excited young man1 ,i was a self-love humiliated to the dust by the time ,i reached the gate of the chteau4 ,in recognizing the lake1 the line of the mountains1 the front of the house1 pride gave place to a frightful apprehension of what ,i was going to suffer1 and the project crossed my mind to flee1 to go back directly to ,clermont1 rather than experience anew the disdain of ,mlle4 de ,jussat1 and the affront which her father would inflict upon me4 ,it was too late1 the marquis himself came to meet me1 in the principal avenue1 accompanied by ,lucien who called me4 ,this cry of the child had the customary intonation of familiarity1 and the reception of the father proved that ,i had been wrong to feel myself lost so soon4 8,they abandoned you10 said he1 8and did not even think of sending the carriage back for you4 ,you must have walked a good stretch60 ,he consulted his watch4 8,i am afraid that ,charlotte has taken cold10 he added1 8she went to bed as soon as she came in4 ,these spring suns are so treacherous40 8,so ,charlotte had said nothing yet4 ,she is suffering this evening4 ,that will be for to-morrow10 thought ,i1 and ,i began that evening to pack my papers4 ,i held to them with so ingenuous a confidence in my talent as a philosopher6 ,the next day arrived4 ,nothing vet4 ,i was again with ,charlotte at the breakfast table2 she was pale1 as if she had passed through a crisis of violent pain4 ,i saw that the sound of my voice made her tremble slightly4 ,then this was all4 ,ah6 what a strange week ,i passed1 expecting each morning that she had spoken1 crucified by this expectation and incapable of taking the first step myself or of going away from the chteau6 ,this was not alone for want of a pretext to give4 ,a burning curiosity held me there4 ,i had wished to live as much as to think4 ,well6 ,i was living1 and in what a fever6 ,at last1 the eighth day1 the marquis asked me to come into his study4 8,this time10 said ,i to myself1 8the hour has struck4 ,i like this better40 ,i expected to see a terrible countenance1 and to hear some almost insulting words4 ,i found1 on the contrary1 the hypochondriac smiling1 his eyes bright1 his manner young again4 8,my daughter10 said he1 8continues to be very unwell4 ,nothing very serious1 but some odd nervous symptoms4 ,she wishes positively to consult a ,paris physician4 ,you know she has been very ill and was cured by a physician in whom she has confidence4 ,i shall not be sorry to consult him also for myself4 ,i am going with her the day after to-morrow4 ,it is possible that we shall take a little journey to amuse her4 ,i desired to give you some particular directions in regard to ,lucien during my absence1 though ,i am very well pleased with you1 my dear ,monsieur ,greslon1 very well pleased4 ,i wrote so to ,limasset yesterday4 ,it is a good thing for me that you are here40 ,you will judge my dear master1 by what ,i have shown you of my character1 that these compliments must have flattered me as evidence of the perfection with which ,i had filled my rle1 and by reassuring me after my fears of the last days4 ,i saw this very clear and positive fact3 ,charlotte had not wished to tell of my declaration1 and ,i asked at once3 ,why8 ,instead of interpreting this silence in a sense favorable to me1 ,i saw in it this idea3 she did not wish through pity to take away my means of making a living1 but it was not the kind of pity which ,i had wished to provoke4 ,i had no sooner imagined this explanation than it became evident and insupportable4 8,no10 said ,i1 8that shall not be1 ,i will not accept the alms of this outraging indulgence4 ,when ,mlle4 de ,jussat returns1 she will not find me here4 ,she shows me what ,i ought to do1 what ,i will do4 ,i have desired to interest her1 ,i have not even excited her anger4 ,i will leave at least some other remembrance than that of a vulgar pedant who keeps his place in spite of the worst affronts40 ,i was so baffled in my projects2 the hope which had sustained me all winter was so dead that ,i wrote out1 on the night following this conversation1 a letter in the place of the one in which ,i had thought to make her love me1 again asking for pardon4 ,i comprehend1 said ,i1 that any relation is impossible between us1 and ,i added that on her return she would not have to endure the odiousness of my presence4 ,the next morning in the confusion of departure1 ,i found a moment when her mother having called her1 ,i could slip into her room4 ,i hastened to put my letter on her bureau4 ,there1 among the books ready to be put into her trunk1 was her blotting case4 ,i opened it and found an envelope upon which were the words3 ,may #ab1 #ahhf4 ,this was the day of the fatal declaration4 ,i opened this envelope4 ,it contained some sprigs of dried lilies-of-the-valley1 and ,i remember to have given her1 in this last walk1 some sprigs more beautiful than the others and she had put them in her corsage4 ,she had preserved them then4 ,she had kept them in spite of what ,i had said to her--because of what ,i had said to her4 ,i do not believe that ,i ever experienced an emotion comparable to that which seized me there1 before this simple envelope1 to the flood of pride which suddenly inundated my heart4 ,yes4 ,charlotte had repulsed me4 ,yes1 she had fled from me4 ,but she loved me6 ,i closed the case1 ,i went up to my room in haste1 for fear that she would surprise me1 without leaving my letter1 which ,i instantly destroyed4 ,ah6 there was no question of my going away now4 ,i must wait until she should return1 and1 this time1 ,i would act1 ,i would conquer4 ,she loved me6 ,v4 ,,the ,,second ,,crisis4 ,she loved me4 ,the experience instituted by my pride and my curiosity had succeeded4 ,this evidence--for ,i did not for a moment doubt the proof1 rendered the departure of the young girl not only supportable1 but almost sweet4 ,her flight was explained by a fear of her own emotions which proved to me their depth4 ,and then1 by going away for a few weeks1 she relieved me from a cruel embarrassment4 ,how should ,i act8 ,by what politic safeguard should ,i push on to success from this unhoped-for point8 ,i was about to have leisure to think of this during her absence1 which could not last long1 since the ,jussats had now no house except in ,auvergne4 ,deferring then until later the formation of a new plan1 ,i gave myself up to the intoxication of triumphant self-love which ,i witnessed in the departure of ,charlotte and of her father4 ,i had taken leave of them in the drawing-room in order not to embarrass the final adieus1 and returned to my room4 ,the warm1 cordial hand-shake of the marquis1 proved once more how strongly ,i was anchored in the house1 and ,i had divined behind the cool farewell of the girl the palpitation of a heart which did not wish to yield4 ,i inhabited in the second story a corner room with a window on the front of the chteau ,i placed myself behind the curtain so that ,i could see them as they entered the carriage4 ,it was a victoria encumbered with wraps and drawn by the same light bay horse that had drawn the ,english cart4 ,there was also the same coachman on the seat1 whip in hand1 and with the same immobility of countenance4 ,the marquis appeared1 then ,charlotte4 ,under the veil and from such a height1 ,i could not distinguish her features1 and when she raised the veil to dry her eyes1 ,i could not have told whether it were the last kisses of her mother and her brother which caused this access of nervous emotion or despair at a too painful resolution4 ,but1 when the carriage turned away toward the gate1 ,i saw her turn her head2 and as the family had already gone in what could she be looking at so long1 if not at the window from whose shelter ,i was regarding her8 ,then a clump of trees hid the carriage1 which reappeared at the border of the lake to disappear again and plunge into the road which crosses the wood of ,pradat--that road where a souvenir awaited her1 which ,i was certain would make her heart beat more quickly--that troubled1 conquered heart4 ,this sentiment of pride satisfied me for an entire month1 without a minute's interruption1 and--proof that ,i was still entirely intellectual and psychological in my relations with this young girl1 my mind was never more clear1 more supple1 more skillful in the handling of ideas than at this period4 ,i wrote then my best pages1 a treatise on the working of the will during sleep4 ,i put into it1 with the delight of a savant which you will understand1 all the details which ,i had noted1 for some months1 on the goings and comings1 the heights and depths of my resolutions4 ,i had kept1 as ,i have told you1 a most precise journal1 analyzing1 in the evening before going to sleep1 and in the morning1 as soon as ,i was awake1 the least shades of every state of mind4 ,yes1 these were days of a singular fullness4 ,i was very free4 ,mlle4 ,largeyx and ,sister ,anaclet kept the marquise company4 ,my pupil and ,i took advantage of the beautiful and mild days for walking4 ,under the pretext of teaching ,i had cultivated in him a love of butterflies4 ,armed with a long cane and a net of green gauze1 he constantly ran after the ,auroras with wings bordered with orange1 the blue ,arguses1 the brown ,morio's1 the mottled ,vulcans and the gold-colored ,citrons4 ,he left me alone with my thoughts4 ,sometimes we took the ,pradat road which was now adorned with all the verdure of spring1 sometimes we went toward ,verneuge1 toward the valley of ,saint-,gens-,champanelle1 which is as gracefully pretty as its name4 ,i would seat myself upon a block of lava1 some small fragment of the enormous stream poured out by the ,puy de la ,vache1 and there1 without troubling my head about ,lucien1 ,i abandoned myself to this strange disposition which has always appeared to me in the midst of this savage nature1 as a striking symbol of my doctrines1 a type of implacable fatality1 a council of absolute indifference to good or ill4 ,i looked at the leaves of the trees as they unfolded in the sunlight1 and ,i recalled the known laws of vegetable respiration1 and how1 by a simple modification of light1 the life of the plant can be changed4 ,in the same way1 one ought to be able at will to direct the life of the soul1 if he could exactly know its laws4 ,i had already succeeded in creating the commencement of a passion in the soul of a young girl1 separated from me by an abyss4 ,what new procedures applied with rigor would permit me to increase the intensity of this passion8 ,i forgot the magnificence of the heavens1 the freshness of the wood1 the majesty of the volcanoes1 the vast landscape spread out before me1 in seeing only the formulas of moral algebra4 ,i hesitated between diverse solutions for the next day on which ,i should have ,mlle4 de ,jussat face to face with me in the solitude of the chteau4 ,ought ,i on her return to feign indifference1 to disconcert her1 to subdue her1 first by astonishment and then by self-love and grief8 ,should ,i pique her jealousy by insinuating that the foreigner of my soi-disant romance had returned to ,clermont and had written to me8 ,should ,i1 on the contrary1 continue the burning declarations1 the audacities which surround1 the follies which intoxicate8 ,i replaced these hypotheses successively by still others4 ,i pleased myself by saying that ,i was not in love1 that the philosopher ruled the lover1 that myself1 this dear self of whom ,i had constituted myself the priest1 remained superior and lucid4 ,i branded as unworthy weaknesses the reveries which at other times replaced these subtle calculations4 ,it was in the house that these reveries took hold upon me1 when ,i looked at the portraits of ,charlotte which were scattered about everywhere on the walls of the salon1 on the tables and in ,lucien's room4 ,photographs of all sizes represented her at six years1 at ten years1 at fifteen1 and ,i could trace the growth of her beauty from the mignonne grace of her first years to the delicate charm of to-day4 ,the features of these photographs changed1 but the expression never4 ,it was the same in the eyes of the child and in those of the young girl1 with something of seriousness1 of tenderness and of fixedness which revealed profound sensibility4 ,it was impressed upon me1 and the remembrance of it agitates me with a confused emotion4 ,ah6 ,why did ,i not give myself up to it entirely4 ,but why was ,charlotte1 in so many of these portraits by the side of her brother ,andr8 ,what secret fibre of hate had this man1 by his existence alone1 touched in my heart1 that simply to see his image near that of his sister dried up my tenderness and left in me only one wish8 ,i dared to formulate it1 now that ,i believed ,i had taken this heart in my snare4 ,yes1 ,i wished to be ,charlotte's lover4 ,and after8 ,after8 ,i forced myself not to think of that1 as ,i forced myself to destroy the instinctive scruples of violated hospitality4 ,i collected the most masculine energies of my mind and ,i plunged more deeply into my theories upon the cultivation of self4 ,i would go out of this experience enriched by emotions and remembrances4 ,such would be the moral issue of the adventure4 ,the material issue would be the return to my mother's house when my preceptorate was ended4 ,when scruples became aroused1 and a voice said3 8,and ,charlotte8 ,have you the right to treat her as a simple object of experience80 ,i took my ,spinoza1 and ,i read there the theorem in which it is written that our right is only limited by our power4 ,i took your 8,theory of the ,passions0 and ,i studied there your phrases on the duel between the sexes in love4 8,it is the law of the world10 ,i reasoned1 8that all existence should be a conquest1 executed and maintained by the strongest at the expense of the feeblest4 ,that is as true of the moral universe as of the physical4 ,there are some souls of prey as there are wolves1 tigers and hawks40 ,this formula seemed to me strong1 new and just4 ,i applied it to myself1 and ,i repeated3 8,i am a soul of prey1 a soul of prey10 with a furious attack of what the mystics call the pride of life1 among the fresh verdure1 under the blue sky1 on the bank of the clear river which flows from the mountains to the lake4 ,this exhilaration at my victorious pride was dissipated by a very simple fact4 ,the marquis wrote that he would return1 but alone4 ,mlle4 de ,jussat1 who was still unwell1 would remain with a sister of her mother4 ,when the marquise communicated this news to us we were at table4 ,i felt a spasm of anger so violent that it astonished myself1 and on the plea of sudden indisposition ,i left the dinner table4 ,i should like to have cried out1 broken something or manifested in some foolish way the rage which shook my soul4 ,in the fever of vanity which had exalted me since the departure of ,charlotte1 ,i had foreseen everything1 except that this girl would have character enough not to return to ,aydat4 ,the way which she had found to escape from her sentiment was so simple1 but so sovereign1 so complete4 ,the marvelous tactics of my psychology became as vain as the mechanism of the best cannon against an enemy out of reach of its shot4 ,what could ,i do if she were not there8 ,the vision of my weakness rose up so strong1 so painful1 that it excited my nervous system so profoundly that ,i neither ate nor slept until the arrival of the marquis4 ,i should then learn if this resolution excluded all hope of a counter order--if there were any chance that the young girl would return by the end of ,july1 or in ,august1 or in ,september4 ,my engagement would last until the middle of ,october4 ,my heart beat1 my throat was choked while we walked1 ,lucien and ,i1 in the railroad station of ,clermont1 waiting for the train from ,paris4 ,in the excess of my impatience ,i had obtained permission to come to meet the father4 ,the locomotive entered the station4 ,m4 de ,jussat put his head through a doorway4 ,i said at the risk of revealing my feelings3 8,and ,mlle4 ,charlotte80 8,thank you1 thank you10 he answered1 pressing my hand with feeling1 8the physician says that she has a very serious nervous trouble4 ,it seems that the mountains are not good for her4 ,and ,i am well only high up6 ,ah6 ,this is painful1 very painful4 ,we shall try for a time1 the cold-water cure at ,paris1 and then at ,nris perhaps40 ,she would not return6 ,if ever ,i have regretted1 my dear master1 the notebook which ,i burned1 it is assuredly now1 and this daily record of my thoughts from the evening on which the marquis thus announced the definite absence of his daughter4 ,this record continued until ,october1 when a circumstance brusquely changed the probable course of things4 ,you would have found there1 as in an atlas of moral anatomy1 an illustration of your beautiful analysis of love1 desire1 regret1 jealousy1 and hate4 ,yes1 during those four months ,i went through all these phases4 ,it was an insane attempt1 but quite natural1 persuaded as ,i was that ,charlotte's absence only proved her passion4 ,i wrote to her4 ,in that letter1 deliberately composed1 ,i began by asking her pardon for my audacity in the ,pradat wood1 and ,i renewed this audacity in a worse manner1 by drawing a burning picture of my despair away from her4 ,this letter was a wilder declaration than the other1 and so bold that once the envelope had disappeared in the box at the village post-office whither ,i had carried it myself1 my fears were renewed4 ,two days1 three days1 and there was no reply4 ,the letter at least was not returned1 as ,i had feared1 without even being opened4 ,at this time the marquise had finished her preparations to join her daughter4 ,her sister occupied at ,paris in the ,rue de ,chanaleilles1 a house large enough to give to these ladies all the rooms they needed4 ,htel de ,sermoises1 ,rue de ,chanaleilles1 ,paris1 what emotions ,i have had in writing this address1 not only once1 but five or six times4 ,i calculated that the aunt would not watch the correspondence of the young girl very strictly1 while the mother would watch her4 ,it was necessary to take advantage of the time the latter still remained at ,aydat1 to strengthen the impression certainly produced by my letter4 ,i wrote every day1 until the departure of the marquise1 letters like the first1 and ,i found no trouble in playing the lover4 ,my passionate desire to have ,charlotte return was sincere--as sincere as unreasonable4 ,i have known since that1 at every arrival of these dangerous missives1 she struggled for hours against the temptation to open the envelope4 ,at last she opened it4 ,she read and reread the pages and their poison acted surely4 ,as she was ignorant of the discovery ,i had made of her secret1 she did not think to defend herself against the opinion that ,i could have conceived of her4 ,these letters affected her so much that she preserved them4 ,the ashes were found in the chimney of her room where she had burned them the night of her death4 ,i much suspected the troubling effect of these pages which ,i scratched off in the night1 excited by the thought that ,i was firing my last cartridges1 which resembled shots in a fog1 since no sign gave notice that every time ,i aimed ,i struck right into her heart4 ,this absolute uncertainty ,i at first interpreted to my advantage2 then1 when the mother had left the chteau and ,i saw the impossibility of writing1 ,i found in ,charlotte's silence the most evident proof1 not that she loved me1 but that she was using her whole will to conquer this love and that she would succeed4 8,ah1 well60 ,i thought1 8,i shall have to give her up1 since ,i cannot reach her1 and all is over40 ,i pronounced these words aloud alone in my room as ,i heard the carriage which took the marquise roll away4 ,m4 de ,jussat and ,lucien accompanied her as far as ,martris-de-,veyre1 where she went to take the train4 8,yes10 ,i repeated1 8all is ended4 ,what difference does it make since ,i do not love her80 ,at the moment this thought left me relatively tranquil and with no other trouble than a vague feeling of uneasiness in the chest1 as happens when we are annoyed4 ,i went out for the purpose of shaking off even this uneasiness1 and1 in one of those fits of bravado1 by which ,i was pleased to prove my strength1 ,i went to the place in which ,i had dared to speak to ,charlotte of my love4 ,in order the better to attest my liberty of soul1 ,i had taken under my arm a new book which ,i had just received1 a translation of ,darwin's letters4 ,the day was misty1 but almost scorching4 ,a kind of simoon of wind from the south parched the branches of the trees with its breath4 ,as ,i went on this wind affected my nerves4 ,i desired to attribute to its influence the increase of my uneasiness4 ,after some fruitless search in the wood of ,pradat1 ,i at last found the clearing where we had been--the stone--the birch4 ,it trembled constantly in the breath of the wind1 with its dentated foliage which was now much thicker4 ,i had intended to read my book here4 ,i sat down and opened the book4 ,i could not get beyond a half page4 ,the memories overcame me1 took possession of me1 showing me this girl upon this same stone1 arranging the sprays of her lilies1 then standing1 leaning against this tree1 then frightened and fleeing over the grass of the path4 ,an indefinable grief took possession of me1 oppressing my heart1 stifling my respiration1 filling my eyes with scalding tears1 and ,i felt1 with terror1 that through so any complications of analysis and of subtleties1 ,i was desperately in love with the child who was not there1 who would never be there again4 ,this discovery1 so strangely unexpected1 and of a sentiment so contrary to the programme ,i had arranged1 was accompanied almost immediately by a revulsion against this sentiment and against the image of her who had caused me this pain4 ,there was not a day during the long weeks that followed that ,i did not struggle against the shame of having been taken in my own snare and without feeling a bitter spite against the absent one4 ,i recognized the depth of his spite at the infamous joy which filled my heart when the marquis received a letter from ,paris1 which he read with a frown and sighed as he said3 8,charlotte is still unwell40 ,i felt a consolation1 a miserable one1 but a consolation all the same1 in saying to myself that ,i had wounded her with a poisonous wound and one which would be slow to heal4 ,it seemed to me that this would be my true revenge1 if she should continue to suffer1 and ,i should be the first to cure her4 ,i appealed to the philosopher that ,i was so proud of being to drive out the lover4 ,i resumed my old reasoning4 8,there are laws of life and of mind and ,i know them4 ,i cannot apply them to ,charlotte1 since she has fled from me4 ,shall ,i be incapable of applying them to myself80 ,and ,i meditated on this new question3 8,are there remedies against love8 ,yes1 there are1 and ,i have found them40 ,my quasi-mathematical habits of analysis were at my service in my project of healing1 and ,i resolved the problem into its elements1 after the manner of geometricians4 ,i reduced this question to this other3 8,what is love80 to which ,i answered brutally by your definition3 8,love is the obsession of sex40 ,now1 how is this combated8 ,by physical fatigue1 which suspends1 or at least lessens1 the action of the mind4 ,i compelled myself and ,i compelled my pupil to take long walks4 ,the days on which he had no lessons1 ,sundays and ,thursdays1 ,i went out alone at the break of day1 after having arranged the hour and the place in which ,lucien should join me with the carriage4 ,i awoke at two o'clock4 ,i went out from the chteau1 in the cold of the half-twilight which precedes the dawn4 ,i went straight before me1 frantically1 choosing the worst paths1 ascending the nearest peaks by the most abrupt and almost inaccessible sides4 ,i risked breaking my limbs in descending the yielding sand of the craters1 or upon the crests of basalt4 ,no matter4 ,the orange line of the aurora gained the border of the sky4 ,the wind of the new day beat against my face4 ,the stars like precious stones melted away1 drowned in the flood of azure1 now pale1 now darker4 ,the sun lighted up1 on the flowers1 the trees and the grass a flashing of sparkling dew4 ,persuaded as ,i am1 of the laws of prehistoric atavism1 ,i aroused in myself1 by the sensation of the forced march and of the heights1 the rudimentary mind of the ancestral brute1 of the man of the caves from whom ,i1 as well as the rest of mankind1 am descended4 ,i attained in this way a sort of savage delirium1 but it was neither the dreamed-of joy nor peace1 and it was interrupted by the smallest reminiscence of my relations with ,charlotte4 ,the turn of a road which we had followed together1 the blue bosom of the lake seen from some height1 the outline of the slated roofs of the chteau1 less than that1 even the trembling foliage of a birch and its silvery trunk1 the name of a village of which she had spoken1 on an advertisement1 was sufficient1 and this factitious frenzy gave place to the keen regret that she was not near me4 ,i heard her say in her finely-toned voice3 8,look then--0 as she would say when we wandered together1 through this same region1 which was then covered with ice and snow--but the flower of her beauty was then in bloom1 now it was adorned with verdure1 but the living flower was gone4 ,and this sensation became more intolerable still when ,i met ,lucien1 who never failed to talk of her4 ,he loved her1 he admired her so lovingly1 and in his ingenuousness he gave me so many proofs that she was worthy of being loved and admired4 ,then physical weariness resolved itself into a worse enervation1 and nights followed in which ,i suffered from an excited insomnia1 in which ,i would weep aloud1 calling her name like one deranged4 8,it is through the mind that ,i suffer10 ,i said after having in vain sought the remedy in great fatigue4 8,i will attack mind through mind40 ,i undertook that study the most completely opposed to all feminine preoccupation4 ,i despoiled in less than a fortnight1 pen in hand1 two hundred pages of that 8,physiology0 of ,beaunis which ,i had brought in my trunk and the hardest for me1 those which treat of the chemistry of living bodies4 ,my efforts to understand and to sum up these analyses which demand the laboratory1 were supremely in vain4 ,i only succeeded in stupefying my intellect and in making myself less capable of resisting a fixed idea4 ,i saw that ,i had again taken the wrong road4 ,was not the true method rather that which ,goethe professed--to apply the mind to that from which we wish to be delivered8 ,this great mind1 who knew how to live1 thus put in practice the theory set up in the fifth book of ,spinoza1 and which consists in evolving from the accidents of our personal life the law which unites us to the great life of the universe4 ,m4 ,taine1 in his eloquent pages on ,byron1 advises the same1 8the light of the mind produces in us serenity of the heart40 ,and you1 my dear master1 what else say you in the preface to your 8,theory of the ,passions40 8,to consider one's own destiny as a corollary in this living geometry of nature1 and as an inevitable consequence of this eternal axiom whose infinite development is prolonged through time and space1 is the only principle of enfranchisement40 ,and what else am ,i doing1 at this hour1 in writing out this memoir1 but conforming to these maxims8 ,can they serve me now any better than they did then8 ,i tried at that time to resume in a kind of new autobiography the history of my feelings for ,charlotte4 ,i supposed--see how chance sometimes strangely realizes our dreams--a great psychologist to be consulted by a young man2 and1 toward the last1 the psychologist wrote out for the use of the moral invalid a passional diagnosis with indication of causes4 ,i wrote this piece during the month of ,august and under the exhausting influence of the most torrid heat4 ,i devoted to it about fifteen sances1 lasting from ten o'clock in the evening to one o'clock in the morning1 all the windows open1 with the space around my lamp brightened by large night-moths1 by these large velvet butterflies which bear on their bodies the imprint of a death's head4 ,the moon rose1 inundating with its bluish light the lake over which ran the pearly reflections2 the woods whose mystery grew more profound1 and the line of the extinct volcanoes4 ,i put down my pen to lose myself1 in presence of this mute landscape1 in one of those cosmogonic reveries to which ,i was accustomed4 ,as at the time in which the words of my poor father revealed to me the history of the world1 ,i saw again the primitive nebulousness1 then the earth detached from it1 and the moon thrown off from the earth4 ,that moon was dead1 and the earth would die also4 ,she was becoming chilled second by second2 and the imperceptible consequence of these seconds1 added together during millions of years1 had already extinguished the fire of the volcanoes from which formerly flowed the burning and devastating lava on which the chteau now stood4 ,in cooling this lava had raised a barrier to the course of the water which spread into a lake1 and the water of this lake was being evaporated as the atmosphere diminished--these forty poor kilometers of respirable air which surround the planet4 ,i closed my eyes1 and ,i felt this mortal globe roll through the infinite space1 unconscious of the little worlds that come and go upon it1 as the immensity of space is unconscious of the suns1 the moons and the earths4 ,the planet will roll on when it will be only a ball without air and without water1 from which man has disappeared1 as well as animals and plants4 ,instead of bringing to me the serenity of contemplation1 this vision threw me back upon myself and made me feel with terror the consciousness of my own person1 the only reality that ,i could possess1 and for how long8 ,scarcely a point and a moment6 ,then1 in this irreparable flight of things1 this point and this moment of our consciousness remains our only good1 we must exalt it by increasing its intensity4 ,i felt1 with a frightful force1 that this sovereign intensity of emotion ,charlotte alone could give me if she were in this room1 seated in this chair1 uniting her condemned soul to my condemned soul1 her fleeting youth to my fleeting youth1 and as all the instruments of an orchestra harmonize to produce a single tone1 all the separate forces of my being1 the intellectual1 the sentimental1 the sensual united in a yearning for ,charlotte4 ,alas6 ,the vision of the universe heightened the frenzy of the personal life instead of calming it4 ,i said to myself that without doubt ,i had been deceived in believing myself a purely abstract and intellectual being4 ,during the months in which ,i had been entirely chaste had ,i not lived contrary to my nature8 ,under pretext of some family business to regulate ,i obtained of the marquis a vacation of eight days4 ,i went to ,clermont and sought for ,marianne4 ,i soon found her4 ,she was no longer the simple working-woman4 ,a country proprietor had settled her1 dressed her in fine clothes1 and coming to the city only one day in eight1 left her a sort of liberty4 ,this re-entrance into the world affected me as a renewal of initiation4 ,i was desirous of knowing to what degree the memory of ,charlotte gangrened my soul4 ,ah6 how the image of ,mlle4 de ,jussat presented itself at that moment with her ,madonna-like profile and the delicacy of her whole being4 ,it was impossible for me to return to these base idols4 ,i passed the days which remained to me in walking with my mother1 who seeing me so melancholy became uneasy and increased my sadness by her questions4 ,i saw the time of my return to the chteau approach with pleasure4 ,at least ,i could live there among my memories4 ,but a terrible blow awaited me1 which was given me by the marquis on my arrival4 8,good news10 said he as soon as he saw me4 8,charlotte is better4 ,and there is more just as good4 ,she is going to be married4 ,yes1 she accepts ,m4 de ,plane4 ,it is true1 you do not know him1 a friend of ,andr whom she refused once1 and now she is willing40 ,and he continued1 going back to himself as usual3 8,yes1 it is very good news1 for1 you see1 ,i have not much longer to live4 ,i am broken1 very much broken40 ,he might detail to me his imaginary ills1 analyze his stomach as much as he wished1 his gout1 his intestines1 his heart1 his head--,i listened no more than a condemned man to whom his sentence has been announced listens to the words of his jailer4 ,i saw only the fact so painful to me4 ,you who have written some admirable pages upon jealousy1 my dear master1 and upon the ravages which the thought alone of the caress of a rival produces in the imagination of a lover1 can divine what smarting poison this news poured into my wound4 ,may1 ,june1 ,july1 ,august1 ,september--nearly five months since ,charlotte had gone1 and this wound instead of healing had become enlarged1 poisoned until this last stroke which finished me4 ,this time ,i did not have the cruel consolation that my suffering was shared4 ,this marriage proved to me that she was cured of her sentiment for me1 while ,i was agonized by mine for her4 ,my fury was exasperated at the thought that this love had been snatched from me just at the moment ,i was about to be able to develop it in its fullness1 at the very time of decisive action4 ,i saw ,charlotte in ,paris1 where ,m4 de ,plane was passing his leave of absence1 receiving her fianc in the partial tte--tte with a familiarity permitted under the indulgent eyes of the marquise4 ,they were for this man now1 these smiles at once proud and timid1 these tender and anxious looks1 these passages of paleness and modest red over her delicate face1 these gestures of a grace always a little wild4 ,finally she loved him1 since she was willing to marry him4 ,and he seemed to me like ,count ,andr whose detestable influence ,i found even here1 and whom ,i again hated in the fianc of his sister confounding these two gentlemen1 these two elders1 these two officers1 in the same furious antipathy4 ,vain and puerile anger which ,i took with me into the wood already reclothed with those vague tints which would soon change to russet4 ,the swallows were assembling for their departure4 ,as the hunting season had begun there was firing all around them1 and frightened1 they rose in a flight such as that by which the wild bird had escaped which ,i had thought to bring down some day4 ,toward ,saint-,saturnin1 the hills were planted with vines whose grapes would soon be ripe for the vintage4 ,i saw the stocks widowed of fruit1 those which the hailstorms of the spring had destroyed in their flower4 ,thus had died on the spot1 before being ripe1 my vintage1 vintage of intoxicating emotions1 of sweet felicities1 of burning ecstasies4 ,i felt a gloomy and indefinable pleasure in seeking everywhere in the country some symbol of my sentiment1 since ,i was1 for a short time1 purified from all calculation by the alchemy of grief4 ,if ,i was ever a true lover and given up to regrets1 memories and despairs1 it was in those days which must be the last of my stay at ,aydat4 ,in fact1 the marquis announced his intention to hasten his departure4 ,he had abdicated his hypochondria1 and he cheerfully said to me3 8,i adore my future son-in-law4 ,i wish that you could know him4 ,he is loyal1 he is brave1 he is good1 he is proud4 ,true gentlemanly blood in his veins4 ,do you understand the women8 ,here is one who is no sillier than the rest1 is it not so8 ,two years ago he offered himself to her4 ,she said no4 ,then my boy goes away to come back half-dead4 ,and then it is yes4 ,do you know1 ,i have always thought that there was some love-affair in her nervous malady4 ,i knew it4 ,i said to myself3 she is in love with some one4 ,it was he4 ,and what if he had not wanted her1 all the same80 ,no1 it was not ,m4 de ,plane whom ,charlotte had loved that winter2 but she had loved1 that was certain4 ,our existences had crossed at one point1 like the two roads which ,i saw from my window1 the one which descends the mountains and goes toward the fatal wood of ,pradat1 the other which leads toward the ,puy de la ,rodde4 ,i happened to see1 at the close of the day the carriages following these two roads4 ,after almost grazing each other1 they were lost in opposite directions4 ,thus were our destinies separated forever4 ,the ,baroness de la ,plane would live in the world1 at ,paris1 and that represented to me a whirlpool of unknown and fascinating sensations4 ,i knew too well my future life4 ,in thought1 ,i awoke again in the little room of the ,rue du ,billard4 ,in thought ,i followed the three streets which it is necessary to take to go from there to the ,faculty4 ,i entered the palace of the ,academy1 built in red brick1 and ,i reached the salle des confrences with its bare walls garnished with blackboards4 ,i listened to the professor analyzing some author on license or admission4 ,that lasted an hour and a half1 then ,i returned1 my serviette under my arm1 through the cold streets of the old town1 for it was necessary for me to pass still another year1 as ,i had not studied hard enough to submit to my examination with success4 ,i should continue to go and come among these dark houses1 with this horizon of snowy mountains1 to see the father and mother of ,emile sitting at their window and playing at cards1 the old ,limasset reading his paper in the corner of the ,caf de ,paris1 the omnibuses of ,royat at the corner of ,jande4 ,yes1 ,i come down to that1 my dear master1 to this misery of minds without psychology which attach themselves to the external form of life without penetrating its essence4 ,i disregarded my old faith in the superiority of science1 to which only three square metres of room are necessary in order that a ,spinoza or an ,adrien ,sixte may there possess the immense universe4 ,ah6 ,i was very mediocre in that period of powerless desires and conquered love6 ,i detested1 and with what injustice1 that life of abstract study which ,i was about to resume6 ,and how ,i wish to-day that this might be my fate1 and that ,i might awake a poor student near the ,faculty of ,clermont1 tenant of the father of ,emile1 pupil of old ,limasset1 the morose traveler through those black streets--but an innocent man6 an innocent man6 ,and not the man who has gone through what ,i have gone through1 and which he finds it a necessity to tell4 ,,vi4 ,,third ,,crisis4 ,toward the end of this severe month of ,september1 ,lucien complained of not being quite well1 which the doctor attributed at first to a simple cold4 ,two days after the symptoms became aggravated4 ,two physicians of ,clermont1 called in haste1 diagnosed scarlet fever1 but of a mild character4 ,if my mind had not been entirely absorbed by the fixed idea which made of me at this period a veritable monomaniac1 ,i should have found material enough to fill my notebook4 ,i had only to follow the evolutions of the mind of the marquis and the struggle in his heart between hypochondria and paternal love4 ,sometimes1 in spite of the reassuring words of the doctors1 he became so uneasy about his son that he passed the night in watching him4 ,sometimes he was seized with the fear of contagion2 he went to bed1 complained of imaginary pains1 and counted the hours until the visit of the physician4 ,sometimes1 so grave did his symptoms seem to himself1 that the marquis must have the first visit4 ,then he would be ashamed of his panic4 ,he arose1 he chastised himself for his terrors with bitter phrases on the feebleness which age brings1 and returned to the bedside of his son4 ,his first intention was to conceal from the marquise and ,charlotte and ,andr the illness of the child2 but after two weeks1 these alternations of zeal and of terror having exhausted his energy1 he felt the need of having his wife with him to sustain him1 and the incoherence of his ideas was so great that he consulted me3 8,do you not think it is my duty80 ,there are some lying souls1 my dear master1 who excel in excusing by fine motives their most villainous actions4 ,if ,i were of this number ,i could make a merit of having insisted that the marquis should not recall his wife4 ,surely ,i knew the full import of my response and of the resolution that ,m4 de ,jussat was about to take4 ,i knew that1 if he informed the marquise1 she would arrive by the first train1 and ,i also knew ,charlotte well enough to be assured that she would come with her mother4 ,i should see her again1 ,i should have a supreme opportunity to reawaken in her the love of which ,i had surprised the proof4 ,i could say that it was loyalty on my part1 the advice to leave ,mme4 de ,jussat in ,paris4 ,i should have the appearance of loyalty4 ,why8 ,if ,i were not convinced that there is no effect without a cause and no loyalty without a secret egoism1 ,i should recognize a horror in using to the profit of a culpable passion the noblest of sentiments1 that of a sister for a brother4 ,here is the naked truth3 in trying to dissuade ,m4 de ,jussat1 ,i was convinced that all effort to regain the heart of ,charlotte would be useless4 ,i foresaw in this return only certain humiliation4 ,worn out by these long months of internal struggle1 ,i no longer felt the strength to maneuver4 ,there was then no virtue in representing to the marquis the inconveniences1 the dangers even1 of the stay of these two women in the chteau1 near an invalid who might communicate to them his disease4 8,and how about me80 responded he ingenuously1 8am ,i not exposed every day8 ,but you are right for ,charlotte2 ,i will write that ,i do not want her40 8,ah6 ,greslon10 said he two days after1 on the receipt of a telegram1 8see what they do--read40 ,he handed me the dispatch which announced the arrival of ,mlle4 de ,jussat and her mother4 8,naturally10 moaned the hypochondriac1 8she wanted to come1 without thinking that ,i should be spared such emotions40 ,the marquis spoke to me in this way at two o'clock in the afternoon4 ,i knew that the train left ,paris at nine o'clock in the evening and arrived at ,clermont toward five in the morning4 ,mme4 de ,jussat and ,charlotte would be at the chteau before ten o'clock4 ,i passed a fearful evening and night1 deprived now of that philosophic tension1 outside of which ,i float1 a creature without energy1 the sport of nervous and irresistible impressions4 ,good sense1 however1 indicated a very simple solution4 ,my engagement would end the #aeth of ,october4 ,it was now the #eth4 ,the child was convalescent4 ,he had his mother and his sister with him4 ,i could return home without any scruple and under any pretext4 ,i could do it and ,i must--for the sake of my dignity as well as for my repose4 ,in the morning1 ,i had taken this resolution and ,i was going to speak about it to the marquis immediately2 he did not let me say a word1 he was so agitated by the arrival of his daughter3 8,very well10 said he1 8by and by1 ,i have no head for anything now4 ,this willfulness6 ,that is why ,i have grown old so fast4 ,always new shocks60 ,who knows8 my destiny may have entirely depended on the humor by which this old fool refused to hear me4 ,if ,i had spoken to him at that moment1 and if we had fixed my departure1 ,i should have been obliged to have gone2 instead1 the sole presence of ,charlotte changed the project of going into a project of remaining1 as a lamp carried into a room immediately changes this darkness into light4 ,i repeat it1 ,i was convinced that she had absolutely ceased to be interested in me on the one hand1 and1 on the other1 that ,i was passing through a crisis1 not of genuine love1 but of wounded vanity1 and of morbid brooding4 ,ah1 well6 ,to see her descend from the carriage before the perron1 to see that my presence overcame her1 as hers affected me1 ,i understood two things3 first1 that it would be physically impossible for me to leave the chteau while she should be there2 then that she had passed through trouble similar to mine1 if not worse4 ,she must have fled from me with the most sincere courage1 not to have replied to my letters1 not to have read them1 to have become betrothed in order to place an insurmountable barrier between us1 to have believed even that she no longer loved me1 and to have returned to the chteau with this persuasion4 ,she loved me6 ,i had no need of a detailed analysis like those in which ,i was too complaisant and in which ,i was so much deceived1 to recognize this fact4 ,it was an intuition1 sudden1 unreasoning1 invincible1 one to make me believe that the theories on the double life1 so much discussed by ,science1 are absolutely true4 ,i read it1 this unhoped for love1 in the troubled eyes of this child1 as your read the words by which ,i am trying to reproduce here the lightning and the thunderbolt of this evidence4 ,she was before me in her traveling costume1 and white1 white as this sheet of paper4 ,i should have explained this pallor by the fatigue of the night passed in the carriage1 and by her uneasiness at her brother's illness4 ,her eyes1 in meeting mine1 trembled with emotion4 ,that might be offended modesty8 ,she had fallen away1 and when she took off her cloak ,i saw that her dress1 a dress which ,i recognized1 was wrinkled around the shoulders4 ,ah6 ,i1 who had believed so strongly in the method1 the inductions1 and the complications of reasoning1 how ,i felt the omnipotence of instinct against which nothing could provide4 ,she had loved me all the time4 ,she loved me more than ever4 ,what matter that she had not given me her hand at our first meeting2 that she had scarcely spoken to me in the vestibule2 that she went up the grand staircase with her mother without turning her head8 ,she loved me4 ,this certainty1 after so long a period of doubt and anxiety1 inundated my heart with a flood of joy1 so that ,i was almost overcome1 there1 on the carpet of the staircase which ,i must also climb to go to my room4 ,what was ,i to do8 ,with my elbows on the table and pressing my hands against my forehead to repress the throbbing of my temples ,i put this question without finding any other answer than that ,i could not go away2 that absence and silence could not end all between ,charlotte and myself2 finally that we were approaching an hour in which so many reciprocal efforts1 hidden struggles1 combated desires on the part of both1 was precipitating us toward a supreme scene1 and this1 ,i could feel was near1 tragic1 decisive1 inevitable4 ,at first ,charlotte was constrained to submit to my presence4 ,we must meet at the bedside of her brother1 and the very morning of her arrival1 when it was my turn to keep the invalid company1 toward eleven o'clock1 ,i found her there talking with him1 while the marquise questioned ,sister ,anaclet1 both speaking in low tones and standing near the window4 ,lucien1 from whom the coming of his mother and sister had been concealed1 showed in his face and in his gestures the excited and almost feverish joy which is seen in convalescents2 he saluted me with his gayest smile1 and taking my hand said to his sister3 8,if you only knew how good ,m4 ,greslon has been to me all these days60 ,she did not reply1 but ,i saw that her hand1 which lay on the pillow near her brother's cheek1 shook as with a chill4 ,she made an effort to look at me without betraying herself4 ,without doubt my face expressed an emotion that touched her4 ,she felt that to leave unnoticed the innocent remark of her brother would make me feel badly1 and1 in the voice of past days1 her sweet and living voice1 she said1 without addressing me directly3 8,yes1 ,i know it and ,i thank him for it4 ,we all thank him very much40 ,she did not add another word4 ,i am sure that if ,i had taken her hand at that moment she would have fainted before me1 she was so moved by this simple conversation4 ,i stammered a vague response3 8,it is quite natural10 or something similar4 ,i was not very collected myself4 ,lucien1 however1 who had noticed neither the altered tone of his sister1 nor my embarrassment1 continued3 8,and isn't ,andr coming to see me80 8,you know he has gone back to his regiment10 said she4 8,and ,maxime80 insisted the child4 ,i knew that this was the name of the fianc of ,mlle4 de ,jussat4 ,these two syllables had no sooner left the lips of her brother than the paleness of her face gave way to a sudden wave of blood4 ,there was an interval of silence during which ,i could hear the murmuring of ,sister ,anaclet1 the crackling of the fire in the chimney1 the swinging of the pendulum1 and the child himself astonished at this silence4 8,yes1 ,maxime1 is not he coming either80 8,m4 de ,plane has also gone back to his regiment10 said ,charlotte4 8,are you going away already1 ,m4 ,greslon80 asked ,lucien as ,i rose brusquely4 8,i am coming back10 ,i replied2 8,i have forgotten a letter on my table40 ,and ,i went out1 leaving ,lucien with a smile on his face1 and ,charlotte with her eyes cast down4 ,ah6 my dear master1 you must believe what ,i am telling you2 in spite of the incoherencies of a heart almost unintelligible to itself1 you must not doubt my sincerity in that moment4 ,i have so great need not to doubt it myself2 need to say to myself that ,i was not lying then4 ,there was not an atom of voluntary comedy in the sudden movement by which ,i rose at the simple mention of the name of the man to whom ,charlotte ought to belong1 to whom she did belong4 ,there was no comedy in the tears which burst from my eyes1 as soon as ,i passed the threshold of the door1 nor in those which ,i wept during the night which followed1 in despair at this double and frightful certainty that we loved one another1 and that never1 never1 could we be anything one to the other2 no comedy in the starts of pain which her presence inflicted on me during the days which followed4 ,her pale face1 her emaciated profile1 her suffering eyes were there to disturb me1 and this pallor rent my soul1 and this spare outline of her body made me love her more1 and those eyes besought me4 8,do not speak4 ,i know that you are unhappy too4 ,it would be cruel to reproach me1 to complain1 to show your hurt40 ,tell me1 if ,i had not been sincere in those days1 would ,i have let them pass without acting1 when their hours were counted8 ,but ,i do not recall a single reflection1 a single combination4 ,i do recall confusing sensations1 something burning1 frantic1 intolerable1 a prostrating neuralgia of my inmost being1 a lancination continuous1 and growing1 growing always1 the dream of putting an end to it1 a project of suicide4 ,you see that ,i truly loved1 since all my subtleties were melted in the flame of this passion1 as lead in a furnace2 since ,i did not find material for analysis in what was a real alienation1 an abdication of my old self in this martyrdom4 ,this thought of death came from the inmost depths of my being1 this obscure appetite for the grave of which ,i was possessed as of physical thirst and hunger1 in which1 my dear master1 you will recognize a necessary consequence of this disease of love1 so admirably studied by you4 ,this instinct of destruction1 of which you point out the mysterious awaking at the same time as that of sex1 was turned against myself4 ,this was shown first by an infinite lassitude1 the lassitude of feeling much but never expressing anything4 ,for the anguish in ,charlotte's eyes1 when they met mine1 defended her better than all words could have done4 ,beside1 we were never alone1 except sometimes for a few minutes in the salon1 by chance1 and these minutes passed in a silence which we could not break4 ,to speak at such times is as impossible as for a paralytic to move his feet4 ,a superhuman effort would not suffice4 ,one experiences how emotion1 to a certain degree of intensity1 becomes incommunicable4 ,one feels himself imprisoned1 walled up in his self1 and he would like to get away from this unhappy self1 to plunge1 to lose himself in the coldness of death is where all ended4 ,that continued with a kind of delirious desire to make on the heart of ,charlotte an imprint which could not be effaced1 with an insane desire to give her some proof of love1 against which neither the tenderness of her future husband nor the magnificence of her social surroundings1 could ever prevail4 8,if ,i die of despair at being separated from her forever1 she must remember the simple preceptor1 the poor provincial1 capable of sentiments so powerful60 ,it seems to me that ,i formulated these reflections4 ,you notice that ,i say3 8,it seems to me40 ,for in truth1 ,i did not comprehend myself at that period4 ,i did not recognize myself in the fever of violence and of tragedy by which ,i was consumed4 ,scarcely do ,i discern in this ungovernable come-and-go of my thoughts a kind of auto-suggestion1 as you say4 ,i was hypnotized1 and it was as a somnambulist that ,i determined to kill myself at such a day1 at such an hour1 as ,i was going to the druggist to procure the fatal bottle of nux vomica4 ,during all these preparations and under the influence of this resolution1 ,i hoped for nothing1 ,i calculated nothing4 ,a force entirely foreign to my own consciousness was acting on me4 ,at no time was ,i the spectator of my gestures1 my thoughts and my actions1 with an exterior of the acting 8,i0 in relation to the thinking 8,i40 ,but ,i have written a note upon this point1 which you will find on the fly leaf1 in my exemplaire of the book of ,brire de ,boismont on suicide4 ,i experienced in these preparations an indefinable sensation of a waking dream1 of lucid automatism4 ,i attribute these strange phenomena to a nervous disorder1 almost a madness1 caused by the ravages of a fixed idea4 ,it was only on the morning of the day chosen for the execution of my project that ,i thought of making a last attempt to win ,charlotte4 ,i sat down at my table to write her a letter of farewell4 ,i saw her reading this letter1 and this question suddenly presented itself to me3 8,what would she do80 ,was it possible that she might not be moved by this announcement of my intended suicide8 ,would she hasten to prevent it8 ,yes1 she would run to my room and find me dead4 ,at least1 should ,i not wait for the effect of this last proof8 ,here ,i am very sure that ,i saw myself clearly4 ,i know that hope was born in me exactly in this way and precisely at this point of my project4 8,ah1 well60 said ,i1 8,i will try40 ,i resolved that if1 at midnight1 she had not come1 ,i would drink the poison4 ,i had studied the effects of it1 and hoped ,i should not suffer very long4 ,it is strange that all that day was passed in a singular serenity4 ,i was as if relieved of a weight1 as if really detached from myself1 and my anxiety commenced only toward ten o'clock1 when1 having retired first1 ,i had placed the letter on the table in the room of the young girl4 ,at half-past ten ,i heard through my partly-open door the marquis1 the marquise and ,charlotte ascending the stairs4 ,they stopped to talk a few minutes in the passage1 then there were the customary good-nights1 and each entered a separate chamber4 ,eleven o'clock--a quarter-past eleven4 ,still nothing4 ,i looked at my watch1 placed in front of me1 near three letters prepared for ,m4 de ,jussat1 for my mother1 and for you1 my dear master4 ,my heart beat as if it would burst2 but ,i wish you to note that my will was firm and cool4 ,i had told ,mlle4 de ,jussat that she would not see me the next day4 ,i was sure of not failing my word if--,i did not dare to strengthen what hope this 8if0 contained4 ,i watched the second-hand go round and ,i made a mechanical calculation1 an exact multiplication3 8at sixty seconds a minute1 ,i shall see the hand go round so many times1 for at midnight ,i shall kill myself40 ,a noise of furtive and light steps on the stairs1 which ,i perceived with supreme emotion1 interrupted my calculation4 ,these steps approached4 ,they stopped before my door4 ,suddenly the door was opened4 ,charlotte was before me4 ,i arose4 ,we rested thus face to face1 both standing4 ,her face was distorted by the shock of her own action1 very pale1 and her eyes shone with an extraordinary brilliancy1 nearly black1 so dilated was the pupil by emotion1 almost covering the iris4 ,i noticed this detail because it transformed her physiognomy4 ,ordinarily so reserved1 her face betrayed the wildness of a being ruled by a passion stronger than her will4 ,she must have lain down1 then arose again1 for her hair was braided in a large plait instead of being knotted on her head4 ,a white robe-de-chambre1 fastened by a cord and tassel was folded around her form1 and in her haste she had slipped her bare feet into her slippers without thinking4 ,evidently an insupportable anguish had precipitated her from her chamber into my room4 ,she did not care what ,i might think of her nor what ,i might be tempted to say4 ,she had read my letter1 and she came1 a prey to an excitement so intense that she did not tremble4 8,ah60 said she in a broken voice after the silence of the first minute4 8,god be praised1 ,i am not too late4 ,dead6 ,i believed you were dead6 ,ah6 that is horrible6 ,but that is all over1 is it not8 ,say that you will obey me1 say that you will not kill yourself4 ,ah6 swear1 swear it to me40 ,she took my hand in hers with a supplicating gesture4 ,her fingers were like ice4 ,there was something so decisive in this entrance1 such a proof of love in a moment in which ,i was so excited that ,i did not reflect1 and1 without replying to her1 ,i took her in my arms1 weeping1 my lips sought her lips1 and through the most scalding tears ,i gave her the most loving1 the most sincere kisses2 that was a moment of infinite ecstasy1 of supreme felicity1 and as she drew away from me1 with the shame at what she had permitted depicted on her face1 always wild4 8,wretched creature that ,i am60 said she1 8,ah6 ,i must go away6 ,let me go away6 ,do not come near me40 8,you see that ,i must die10 ,i responded1 8for you do not love me1 you are going to be the wife of another1 we shall be separated1 and forever40 ,i took the dark vial from the table and showed it to her by the light of the lamp4 8,only a fourth of this flask10 ,i continued1 and it is the remedy for much suffering4 8,in five minutes it will be ended10 and gently and without making a single gesture that would force her to defend herself3 8,go away now1 and ,i thank you for having come4 ,before a quarter of an hour ,i shall have ceased to feel what ,i am feeling now1 this intolerable privation of you for so many months4 ,come1 adieu1 do not take away my courage40 ,she had trembled when the flame had lighted up the black liquid4 ,she extended her hand and snatched the flask away1 saying3 8,no6 ,no60 ,she looked at it1 read the inscription on the red label and trembled4 ,her countenance became still more changed4 ,a wrinkle hollowed itself between her eyebrows4 ,her lips trembled4 ,her eyes expressed the agony of a last anxiety1 then1 in a voice almost harsh1 jerking her words as if they were drawn from her by a torturing and irresistible power4 8,i1 too10 said she1 8,i have suffered much1 ,i have struggled hard4 ,no10 she continued1 advancing toward me and taking me by the arm1 8you must not go alone1 not alone4 ,we will die together4 ,after what ,i have done1 it is all that is left40 ,she put the vial to her lips1 but ,i took it away from her1 and with a smile almost insane she continued3 8,to die1 yes1 to die here1 near you1 with you10 and she approached again1 laying her head on my shoulder1 so that ,i felt her soft hair against my cheek4 8,so6 ,ah6 it is a long time that ,i have loved you1 so long ,i can tell you the truth now1 since ,i shall pay for it with my life4 ,you will take me with you1 we will go away together1 both of us40 8,yes6 yes10 ,i answered1 8we will die together4 ,i swear it to you4 ,but not immediately4 ,ah6 leave me time to feel that you love me40 ,our lips were again united1 but this time she returned my kisses4 ,ah6 ,those were kisses in which the ecstasy of the senses and of the soul were deliciously confounded1 in which the past1 the present1 the future were abolished to give place to love alone1 to the painful1 the intoxicating madness of love4 ,this frail body1 this living statuette of ,tanagra was mine in its grace and innocence1 and it seemed to me that this hour was not real1 it so far surpassed my hopes1 almost my desire4 ,in the softened light of the lamp and of the half-extinguished fire1 the delicacy of her features1 her consummate pallor1 her disordered hair1 made her seem an apparition1 and it was with a phantom's voice1 a voice beyond life1 that she spoke to me1 relating the long history of her sentiments for me4 ,she said that she had loved at the first look and without suspecting it2 then how she had suffered at my sadness and at my confidence2 how she had dreamed of being my friend1 a friend who would gently console me2 then the fearful light which my declaration in the forest had suddenly thrown upon her heart1 and that she had sworn to put an abyss between us4 ,she recounted her struggles when she received my letters1 and her vain resolutions not to read them1 and the folly of her engagement in order that all might be irremediable1 and her return1 and the rest4 ,she found1 to reveal to me the secret and cruel romance of her tenderness1 phrases modest and impassioned1 which fell from the mysterious brim of the soul as tears fall from the brim of the eyes4 ,she said3 8,i could not if ,i wished efface these griefs1 so much do ,i need to feel that ,i have lived for you40 ,she said3 8,you will let me die first1 that ,i may not see you suffer40 ,and she wrapped me in her hair1 and upon her face which ,i had known so controlled was a kind of ecstasy of martyrdom1 a supernatural joy mingled with a profound grief1 an exaltation mingled with remorse4 ,when she was silent1 clasped in my arms1 absorbed in me1 we could hear the wind which moaned outside the closed windows1 and this sleeping chteau1 in its peaceful silence1 was already the tomb1 the tomb toward which we were going1 drawn out of life by the ardor of love which had thus thrown us heart to heart4 ,it is here1 my dear master1 where comes the most singular episode of this adventure1 the one which men will call the most shameful2 but for you and me these words have no meaning1 and ,i will have the courage to tell you all4 ,i had been sincere1 and sincere without the shadow of calculation1 in the resolution of suicide which caused me to buy the nux vomica1 and then to write to ,charlotte4 ,when she had come1 when she had fallen into my arms and cried3 8,let us die together60 ,i responded3 8,let us die together10 with the most perfect good faith4 ,it had appeared so simple1 so natural1 so easy for us to go away together4 ,you1 who have written some strong pages upon the vapor of illusion created in us by physical causes1 which is like that intoxication produced by wine1 you will not judge me a monster for having felt this vapor dissipate1 this intoxication disappear with possession4 ,charlotte had placed her head on my breast and she fell asleep1 exhausted by the excess of her emotions4 ,i looked at her and ,i felt1 without knowing how1 that ,i fell back from my state before this happiness1 to the reflective1 philosophic1 and lucid one which had been mine1 and which a sorcery had metamorphosed into another4 ,i looked at ,charlotte1 and thought that in a few hours this adorable body1 animated at this moment by all the ardors of life1 would be immovable1 cold1 dead--dead this mouth which trembled still with my kiss1 dead these beautiful eyes shaded under their trembling lids1 dead this mind filled with me1 intoxicated of me6 ,i repeated mentally several times this word3 8,dead1 dead1 dead10 and what it represents of a sudden falling into the night1 of an irreparable fall into the darkness1 the cold1 the emptiness1 oppressed my heart4 ,this entrance into the gulf without bottom of annihilation which had seemed1 not only easy1 but profoundly desirable when the fury of unfortunate love dominated me--suddenly1 and this fury once appeased1 appeared to me the most formidable of actions1 the most foolish1 the most impossible of execution4 ,charlotte continued to keep her eyes closed4 ,the emaciation of her poor face1 rendered more perceptible by the way in which the softened light revealed her features1 told too plainly what she had felt for days4 ,and ,i was going to kill her1 or at least1 to assist her to destroy herself4 ,we were about to kill ourselves4 ,a shudder ran through me at the thought1 and ,i was afraid4 ,for her8 ,for myself8 ,for both8 ,i do not know4 ,i was afraid1 afraid of feeling to grow numb in my most secret being1 the soul of my soul1 the indefinable center of all our energy4 ,and suddenly by a sudden facing about of ideas like to that of the dying who throw a last look upon their existence1 and who perceive1 in the mirage of a secret regret1 the joys known or coveted1 the vision was evoked of that life1 all thought of which ,i had turn by turn desired and abjured4 ,i saw you in your little cell1 my dear master1 in meditation1 and the universe of intelligence developed before me the splendor of its horizons4 ,my personal works1 this brain of which ,i had been so proud1 this ,self cultivated so complaisantly1 ,i was about to sacrifice all these treasures4 8,to your pledged word10 ought ,i to have responded8 8,to a caprice of excitement10 ,i did respond4 ,strictly1 this suicide had a signification1 when to be forever separated from ,charlotte filled me with despair4 ,but now8 ,we love each other1 we belong to each other4 ,who can prevent us1 young and free1 from fleeing together1 if on the next day we cannot endure separation8 ,this hypothesis of an elopement brought before my mind the image of ,count ,andr4 ,why not make a note of this also8 ,an exhilarating titillation of self-love ran through my heart at this souvenir4 ,i looked at ,charlotte again1 and ,i felt filled with the most ferocious pride4 ,the rivalry instituted by my secret envy between her brother and myself awoke again in a start of triumph4 ,there is a celebrated proverb which says that all animals are sad after pleasure3 8,omne animal40 ,it was not sadness that ,i felt then1 but an absolute drying up of my tenderness1 a rapid return--rapid as the action of a chemical precipitation--to a state of mind anterior4 ,i do not believe that this displacement of sensibility could have taken more than half an hour4 ,i continued to regard ,charlotte1 while abandoning myself to these passage of ideas1 with the delight of a reconquered liberty4 ,the fullness of the voluntary and reflective life flowed in me now1 as the water of a river whose dam has been raised4 ,the passion for this absent child had raised up a barrier against which the flood of my old sentiment was dammed up4 ,this barrier thrown down1 ,i became myself again4 ,she was sleeping4 ,i heard her light1 equal breath1 then suddenly a great sob1 and she awoke3 8,ah60 said she1 pressing me to her in a convulsive fashion1 8you are here1 you are here4 ,i had lost consciousness4 ,i dreamed4 ,ah6 what a dream6 ,i saw my brother come toward you4 ,oh6 the horrible dream60 ,she kissed me again1 and1 as her mouth was pressed to mine1 the clock struck4 ,she listened and counted the strokes4 8,four o'clock10 said she1 8it is time--farewell1 my love1 farewell40 ,she embraced me again4 ,her face had become calm in her exaltation1 almost smiling4 8,give me the poison10 said she in a firm voice4 ,i remained immovable without answering4 8,you are afraid for me10 she resumed2 8,i shall know how to die4 ,give it to me40 ,i rose1 still without replying4 ,she sat up and clasped her hands without looking at me4 ,was she praying8 ,was this the last effort of this soul to extract the love of life which pushes its roots so deeply in a creature of twenty years8 ,my resolution to prevent this double suicide was now absolute4 ,i had the coolness to seize the brown vial from the table and carry it to a wardrobe and lock it4 ,these preparations of which she took no notice no doubt seemed long to ,charlotte1 for she turned toward me3 8,i am ready10 said she4 ,she saw my empty hands4 ,the ecstatic expression changed to one of extreme anguish1 and her voice grew harsh as she said3 8,the poison6 ,give me the poison60 ,then as if responding to a thought which suddenly came to her mind1 she added feverishly3 8,no1 it is not possible40 8,no10 cried ,i1 falling on my knees before her1 and seizing her hands4 8,no1 you are right1 it is not possible4 ,i cannot let you die before me1 for ,i should be your assassin4 ,i pray you1 ,charlotte1 do not ask me to realize this fatal project4 ,when ,i bought the poison ,i was mad1 ,i thought that you did not love me4 ,i wished to kill myself4 ,oh6 how sincerely6 ,but now that you do love me1 that ,i know it1 that you have given yourself to me1 no ,i cannot1 ,i will not4 ,let us live1 my love1 let us live1 consent to live4 ,we will go away together1 if you will4 ,and if you will not1 if you repent of this confession of your regard1 well6 ,i will suffer the martyrdom2 but1 ,i swear to you1 this shall be as if it had never been--,i will not trouble your life4 ,but to help you to die1 to kill yourself1 you so young1 so fair1 oh no1 no1 do not ask me to do it40 ,how many times ,i spoke thus to her1 ,i do not know4 ,i saw on her face a sweet emotion1 a woman's feebleness1 the 8yes0 of the look which gives the lie to the 8no0 of the mouth4 ,she was silent1 then she fixed her eyes on me1 and now they were bright with a tragic fire4 ,she had withdrawn her hands from mine1 crossed her arms upon her breast1 and with her hair falling all around her1 as if withdrawn from me by an invincible horror1 she said1 when ,i had ceased to supplicate her3 8,so you will not keep your word80 8,no10 ,i stammered1 8,i cannot4 ,i cannot4 ,i did not know what ,i said40 8,ah60 said she with a cruel disdain on her beautiful lips1 8but tell me then that you are afraid6 ,give me the poison4 ,i will give you back your word4 ,i will die alone4 ,but to have drawn me thus into the snare1 you coward6 coward6 coward60 ,why did ,i not spring up under this outrage1 why did ,i not take the bottle of poison1 why did ,i not put it to my lips there before her and say3 8,see if ,i am a coward80 ,i do not understand why ,i did not when ,i think of it1 when ,i remember the implacable contempt printed on her face4 ,it must be that ,i was afraid1 ,i who would now go to the scaffold without trembling1 ,i who have had the courage to be silent for three months1 thus risking my life4 ,but now an idea sustains me1 coldly1 intellectually conceived while during that frightful scene there was a confusion of all the forces of my mind1 between my surcharged sensations of the last months and those of the present hour1 and1 sitting down on the carpet1 as if ,i had no longer energy enough to hold myself up1 ,i shook my head1 and said3 8,no1 no40 ,this time it was she who did not respond4 ,i saw her mass her beautiful hair and twist it into a knot2 put her feet into her slippers1 and wrap her white robe around her4 ,she sought with her eyes for the dark flask with the red label1 and1 seeing it no longer on the table1 she walked toward the door1 then1 without even turning her head1 she disappeared after darting at me the terrible word3 8,coward6 coward60 ,i remained there a long time4 ,suddenly a frightful uneasiness seized my heart4 ,if ,charlotte1 exasperated as she was1 should attempt her life6 ,a prey to the terrors of this new anguish1 ,i dared to cross the corridors and go down the stairs to her room1 and then1 putting my ear against the door1 ,i heard a noise1 a moaning1 a sign of what drama was being acted behind this thin rampart of wood which ,i could have burst open with my shoulder quickly enough to bring help4 ,the first noises of the chteau were rising from the basement4 ,the servants were getting up4 ,i must go back to my room4 ,at six o'clock ,i was in the garden under the young girl's window4 ,my imagination had shown me ,charlotte1 throwing herself from the window1 and lying dead on the ground with her limbs broken4 ,i saw her shutters closed1 and below1 the plat-band in order with its line of rose bushes on which bloomed the last roses of the autumn4 ,she had told me1 this night1 of the charm which she tasted1 in her hours of distress1 when she loved me in silence1 in leaning above this bed of roses and inhaling the aroma of these sweet flowers1 spread on the breeze4 ,i picked one1 and its perfume almost made me faint4 ,to deceive an anxiety which each moment made more intense1 ,i walked straight on1 into the country bathed in vapor1 in this gray morning of ,november4 ,i went very far1 since ,i passed the village of ,saulzet-le-,froid1 and yet1 at eight o'clock1 ,i was back taking my breakfast1 or seeming to do so1 in the dining-room of the chteau4 ,this was the time1 ,i knew1 for the maid to go into ,mlle4 de ,jussat's room4 ,if anything had happened this girl would call out immediately4 ,with what inexpressible comfort ,i saw her come down and go toward the kitchen with the salver prepared for the tea6 ,charlotte had not taken her life4 ,hope returned to me then4 ,upon reflection1 and her first feeling of anger passed1 perhaps she would interpret as a proof of love my refusal to die and to let her die4 ,i should know that also4 ,it would be sufficient to wait for her in her brother's room4 ,the little invalid was at the end of his convalescence1 and1 though deprived of walks1 he displayed the gayety of a child about to be born again into life4 ,he received me with all sorts of pretty ways1 and his gracious humor redoubled my hope4 ,he would break the ice between his sister and me4 ,the hands of a young man and of a young girl join so easily when they touch around an innocent and curly head4 ,but when ,charlotte appeared1 so white in a dress which brought out her paleness still more1 pretending a headache to avoid the pranks of ,lucien1 the eyes burning with fever1 ,i understood that ,i had believed too readily in a possible reconciliation4 ,i saluted her4 ,she found a way to not even respond to my salutation4 ,i had known three persons in her already2 the creature tender1 delicate1 compassionate1 the young girl easily startled1 the lover impassioned almost to ecstasy4 ,i saw now upon this noble visage the coldest1 the most impenetrable mark of contempt4 ,ah6 the old and banal formula3 the patrician pride--,i was able to account for it and that certain silences kill as surely as the headman's ax4 ,this impression was so bitter that ,i could not resign myself to it4 ,this very day ,i watched to have a word with her1 and1 at the moment when she was going to her room toward the close of the afternoon1 to dress herself for dinner1 ,i went to her on the stairs4 ,she put me by with a gesture so haughty1 with so cruel a 8,monsieur1 ,i do not know you any longer60 upon her trembling lips1 a look so indignant in her eyes that ,i could not find a word to say to her4 ,she had judged me and ,i was condemned4 ,yes1 condemned4 ,she despised me for my fear of death2 and it was true1 ,i had felt that cowardly chill before the black hole1 while she dared face the worst4 ,i certainly had the right to say to myself that this alone would not have arrested me before the suicide of both1 if pity for her had not been joined with it and my ambition as a thinker4 ,no matter4 ,she had given herself to me under one condition1 and to this tragic condition ,i had responded 8yes0 before1 and 8no0 after4 ,ah1 well4 ,she scorned me1 but she had been mine4 ,i had held her in my arms1 these arms1 and ,i was the first to kiss those lips4 ,yes1 ,i suffered cruelly between this night and my definite departure from the house4 ,however1 it was not the arid and conquered despair of the summer1 the total abdication in distress4 ,i retained at the bottom of my heart1 ,i cannot say a happiness1 but a something of satisfaction which sustained me in this crisis4 ,when ,charlotte passed me without noticing me any more than some object forgotten there by a servant1 ,i contemplated her response to my declaration of love4 ,for another experience of that happiness1 perhaps1 ,i would have accepted anew the fatal compact1 with the cold resolve to keep it4 ,but this happiness had none the less been true4 ,and was this love really1 irremediably ended8 ,in doing as she had done ,mlle1 de ,jussat had proved a very deep passion4 ,was it possible that nothing remained of it in this romantic heart8 ,to-day and in the light of the tragedy which ended this lamentable adventure1 ,i comprehend that it was precisely this romantic character which prevented any return of love into this heart4 ,she had loved in me a mirage1 a being absolutely different from myself1 and the sudden vision of my true nature having at a blow dispelled her illusions1 she hated me with all the power of her old love4 ,alas6 with all my pretensions to the learned psychologist1 ,i did not see the evolution of this mind1 then6 ,i did not even suspect that she would seek at any price the means of knowing me better1 and that she would go1 in the distraction of her actual disgust1 so far as to treat me as judges treat the accused2 in fine that she would read my papers and would not recoil before any scruple4 ,i did not even know enough to guess that she was not the girl to survive such a shock as the revelation of my cold-blooded resolutions written in my notebook brought upon her1 and ,i did not think to destroy the bottle of poison which ,i had refused to give her4 ,i believed myself to be a great observer because ,i reflected a great deal4 ,the quibbles of my analysis concealed from me its falsity4 ,it was not necessary to reflect at this period1 but to observe4 ,instead1 deceived by this reasoning which ,i have just gone over to you1 and persuaded that ,charlotte loved me still in spite of her contempt1 ,i tried to recall this love by the most simple means1 the most ineffective at that moment4 ,i wrote to her4 ,i found my letter on my bureau the same day1 unopened4 ,i went to her door at night and called to her4 ,this door was locked and no one replied4 ,i tried to stop her again4 ,she waved me off with more authority than the first time1 without looking at me4 ,finally1 the heartbreak of this continuous insult was stronger than the ardors of passion which had begun to kindle in me4 ,on the evening of the day in which she had thus repulsed me1 ,i wept much1 then ,i resolved upon a definite course4 ,a little of my old energy had returned1 for it was needed for this part which ,i had undertaken4 ,the next week ,m4 de ,plane and ,count ,andr were coming4 ,this would have decided me if ,i had still hesitated4 ,their presence1 in this double and sinister disaster of my love and of my pride1 no1 ,i would not1 ,i could not endure it4 ,this1 then1 is what ,i had decided3 ,the marquis had asked me to prolong my stay until the #aeth of ,november4 ,it was now the #c;d4 ,i announced1 on the morning of this fatal #c;d of ,november1 that ,i had just received from my mother a letter which made me a little uneasy2 then in the forenoon1 ,i said that a dispatch had still further increased my anxiety4 ,i asked then of ,m4 de ,jussat permission to go to ,clermont early the next day1 adding that if ,i did not return1 would he be so good as to box the articles ,i had left and send them to me4 ,i held this conversation in the presence of ,charlotte1 assured that she would interpret it in its true significance3 8,he is going away not to return40 ,i expected that the news of this separation would move her1 and1 wishing to profit by this emotion1 ,i had the audacity to write to her another note1 these two lines only3 8,on the point of leaving you forever1 ,i have the right to ask a last interview4 ,i will come to you at eleven o'clock40 ,it was necessary that she should not return this note without reading it4 ,i placed it open upon her table1 at the risk of losing all if the chambermaid should see it4 ,ah6 how my heart beat1 when at five minutes to eleven o'clock1 ,i took my way to her room and tried the door4 ,it was not bolted4 ,she was waiting for me4 ,i saw at the first glance that the struggle would be hard4 ,her somber countenance showed too plainly that she had not permitted me to come that she might forgive me4 ,she wore a dark silk dress1 and never had her eyes been more fixed1 more implacably fixed and cold4 8,monsieur10 said she as soon as ,i had shut the door1 8,i am ignorant of what you intend to say to me--,i am ignorant of it and ,i do not wish to know4 ,it is not to listen to you that ,i have allowed you to come4 ,i swear to you1 and ,i know how to keep my word--if you take a step toward me and if you try to speak to me without my permission1 ,i will call and you shall be thrown from the window like a thief40 ,while speaking she had put her finger on the button of the electric bell4 ,her brow1 her mouth1 her gestures1 her voice showed such resolution that ,i did not dare to speak4 ,she continued3 8,you have1 monsieur1 caused me to commit very unworthy actions4 ,the first has for excuse that ,i did not believe you capable of the infamy you have employed4 ,beside ,i should have known how to expiate it10 she added1 as if speaking to herself4 8,the second4 ,i do not look for any excuse40 ,and her face became purple with shame4 8,it was too insupportable to think that you had acted thus4 ,i wished to be sure of what you are4 ,i wished to know4 ,you had told me that you kept a journal4 ,i desired to read it and ,i have done so4 ,i went into your room when you were not there1 and forced the lock of your notebook4 ,yes1 yes1 ,i did that6 ,i have been punished1 since ,i have read your infamous plans4 ,the third4 ,in telling you ,i acquit the debt which ,i have contracted with you by the second4 ,the third10 and she hesitated1 in my indignation1 8,i wrote to my brother4 ,he knows everything60 8,ah60 cried ,i1 8then you are lost40 8,you know what ,i have sworn10 she interrupted2 and she put her finger again on the bell4 8,be quiet4 ,nothing worse can befall me than has already happened10 she continued1 8and no one will do anything more for or against me4 ,my brother will know that also1 and what ,i have resolved4 ,the letter will reach him to-morrow morning4 ,i ought to warn you since you hold your life so dear4 ,and now1 go away40 8,charlotte10 ,i implored4 8,if in one minute you have not gone out10 said she1 looking at the clock1 8,i will call40 ,,vii4 ,,conclusion4 ,and ,i obeyed6 ,the next day1 at six o'clock ,i left the chteau1 a prey to the most sinister presentiments1 trying in vain to persuade myself that this scene would not be followed by some terrible effect2 that ,count ,andr would arrive soon enough to save her from a desperate resolution2 that she would hesitate at the last moment2 that some unexpected thing would happen4 ,as to fleeing from the possible vengeance of the brother1 ,i did not for a moment think of it4 ,this time1 ,i had resumed my character because ,i had an idea to sustain me1 that of allowing no person to humiliate me any further4 ,yes1 although ,i had faltered before a loving girl and in the weakness of happy love1 ,i would not do so before the threat of a man4 ,i arrived at ,clermont1 devoured by an anxiety which did not last very long1 for ,i learned of the suicide of ,mlle4 de ,jussat and was arrested at the same moment4 ,from the first words of the ,judge of ,instruction ,i reconstructed all the details of the suicide3 ,charlotte had taken from the flask which ,i had bought as much as she thought sufficient to cause her death4 ,she had done that on the very day she had read my journal1 whose lock ,i found had been forced4 ,i had not noticed it because my mind was so filled with other things than these sterile notes4 ,she had been careful1 in order to turn away my suspicions1 to replace with water the quantity of nux vomica thus taken4 ,she had thrown the flask out of the window because she did not wish her father and mother to learn of her suicide excepting through her brother4 ,and ,i1 who know the whole truth of this horrible drama1 who could at least give my journal as a presumption of my innocence1 destroyed this journal after my first examination2 ,i have refused to speak1 to defend myself--because of this brother6 ,i have told you1 ,i have drained to the bottom the cup of humiliation and ,i will do no more4 ,this man whom ,i so much envied from the first day1 this man who represents death to me now1 and who1 knowing the whole truth1 must consider me the lowest of the low4 ,i do not wish that he should have the right to quite despise me1 and he has not the right4 ,he does not because we both are silent4 ,but this for me1 is to risk my life in order to save the honor of the dead1 and for him to sacrifice an innocent person to this honor4 ,of us two1 of me who will not defend myself by taking shelter behind the dead body of ,charlotte1 and of him who1 having the letter which proves her suicide1 keeps it1 to avenge himself on the lover of his sister by allowing him to be condemned as an assassin1 which is the brave man8 ,which is the gentleman8 ,all the shame of my weakness--if there be any shame1 ,i wipe out by not defending myself1 and ,i feel a proud pleasure1 as a revenge for those terrible last days1 at not having killed myself1 at not asking of death the oblivion of so many tortures4 ,count ,andr must also reach the bottom of his infamy4 ,if ,i am condemned1 he knowing me to be innocent1 he having the proof of it1 he keeping silent1 ah well6 the ,jussat-,randons will have nothing with which to reproach me--we will be quits4 ,however1 ,i have told all to you1 my venerated1 my dear master2 ,i have opened my soul to you1 and in confiding this secret to your honor1 ,i know too well whom ,i am addressing even to insist upon the promise ,i have taken the liberty to exact on the first page of this memoir4 ,but1 you see1 ,i am stifled by this silence2 ,i stifle with the weight which is always1 always upon me4 ,to say all in a word1 and applied to my sensation1 it is legitimate1 ,i stifle with remorse4 ,i want to be understood1 consoled1 loved2 ,i want some one to pity me and say words to me which shall dissipate the phantoms1 the evil spirits1 the torturing phantoms4 ,i made out1 when ,i began these pages1 a list of questions which ,i wished to ask you at the end4 ,i flattered myself that ,i could recount to you my history as you state your problems in psychology in your books which ,i have read so much1 and now ,i find nothing to say to you only the word of despair3 8,de profundis60 ,write to me1 my dear master1 direct me4 ,strengthen me in the doctrine which was1 which is still mine1 in the conviction of universal necessity which wills that even our most detestable actions1 even this cold enterprise in which ,i embarked in the interest of science1 even my weakness before the compact of death1 are a part of the laws of this immense universe4 ,tell me that ,i am not a monster1 that there are no monsters1 that you will1 if ,i emerge from this supreme crisis1 have me for your disciple1 your friend4 ,if you were a physician1 and a sick man came to you1 you would heal him for humanity's sake4 ,you are a physician1 a great physician of souls4 ,ah6 mine is badly hurt and bleeding4 ,i pray you for a word to comfort me1 a word1 a single word1 and you will be forever blessed by your faithful4 ,,robert ,,greslon4 ,v4 ,,torment ,,of ,,ideas4 ,a ,,month had passed since the mother of ,robert ,greslon had brought into the hermitage of the ,rue ,guy de la ,brosse the strange manuscript which ,adrien ,sixte had hesitated to read4 ,and the philosopher1 after these four weeks1 was still the slave of the trouble inflicted by the reading1 to such an extent that even his humble neighbors noticed it4 ,there were continual consultations between ,mlle4 ,trapenard and the ,carbonnets1 in the lodging filled with its odor of leather1 where the faithful servant and the judicious concierges discussed the cause of the strange change in the manners of the celebrated analyst4 ,the admirable1 automatic regularity of his goings out and comings in1 which had made him a living chronometer for the whole quarter1 had been suddenly transformed into a febrile and inexplicable anxiety4 ,the philosopher1 since the visit of ,mme4 ,greslon1 went and came1 like one who cannot stay in any place1 who1 as soon as he goes out thinks he will return1 and as soon as he has come in1 cannot endure his room4 ,in the street1 instead of walking along with the methodical step which reveals a nervous machine perfectly balanced1 he hurried on1 he stopped1 he gesticulated1 as if disputing with himself4 ,this enervation was betrayed by signs still more strange4 ,mlle4 ,trapenard had told to the ,carbonnets that her master did not go to bed now1 before two or three o'clock in the morning3 8,and it is not because he is writing10 insisted the good woman1 8for he walks and walks4 ,the first time ,i thought he was ill4 ,i got up to ask him if he wished some infusion4 ,he1 who is always so polite1 so gentle1 that you would not suspect him to be a man who knows so much1 he sent me away in a brutal manner40 8,and ,i who saw him the other day10 responded ,mother ,carbonnet1 8as ,i was returning from a course at the caf6 ,i would not believe my eyes4 ,he was there1 behind the window reading a paper4 ,if ,i had not known him ,i should have been afraid4 ,you ought to have seen him--that knit brow and that mouth40 8,at the caf60 cried ,mlle4 ,trapenard4 8,for the fifteen years ,i have been with him ,i have never seen him open a paper but once40 8,that man10 concluded ,father ,carbonnet1 8has some trouble which overheats his blood4 ,and trouble you see1 ,mlle4 ,mariette1 is1 so to speak1 like the tun of ,adelaide1 it has no bottom4 ,for a fact1 it commenced with the summons of the judge and the visit of the lady in black4 ,and do you know what ,i think8 ,perhaps it is about a son of his who is doing badly40 8,mon ,dieu60 exclaimed ,mariette1 8he have a son80 8,and why not80 continued the concierge1 winking one eye behind his spectacles2 8don't you think he gallivanted around like other folks when he was young80 ,then he communicated to ,mlle4 ,trapenard the frightful reports which were going about in the rez-de-chausses concerning poor ,m4 ,sixte1 since his visible change of habits4 ,all the malicious tongues agreed in attributing the trouble of the philosopher to the citation of the judge4 ,the washerwoman pretended to have it from a countryman of ,m4 ,sixte1 that his fortune proceeded from a trust which his father had abused1 and that he would have to return it4 ,the butcher told those who would listen that the savant was married1 and that his wife had made a terrible scene and was going to bring a suit against him4 ,the coal merchant had insinuated1 that the worthy man was the brother of an assassin whose execution under the false name of ,campi still tormented the popular mind4 8,i will never go to their houses again10 moaned ,mlle4 ,trapenard2 8is it possible to imagine such horrors60 ,and the poor girl left the lodge completely heartbroken4 ,this great creature1 high in color1 strong as an ox in spite of her fifty-five years1 with her big shoulders1 her blue wool stockings which she had herself knit1 and her cap fitting closely over her compact chignon1 felt a strong affection for her master because all the different elements of her frank and simple nature were involved in it4 ,she respected the gentleman1 the educated man who was often mentioned in the papers4 ,she cherished1 in the old bachelor who never examined his accounts1 and left her mistress of the house1 an assured source of comfort for her old age4 ,finally1 this solid and robust creature protected the man1 feeble in body and so simplet1 as she said1 that a child ten years old might have cheated him4 ,such words mortified her pride at the same time that the sudden change of humor of the philosopher rendered their residence together uncomfortable4 ,from genuine affection she became anxious because her master did not eat or sleep4 ,she saw that he was sad1 anxious1 and ill1 but she could do nothing to make him cheerful1 nor even guess the cause of his melancholy and agitation4 ,what did she think when1 one afternoon in the month of ,march1 ,m4 ,sixte came in about five o'clock1 after having had his breakfast outside1 and said to her3 8,is the valise in good order1 ,mariette80 8,i do not know1 monsieur4 ,monsieur has not used it since ,i came into the house40 8,go and get it10 said the philosopher4 ,mariette obeyed4 ,she brought from a loft which served as lumber-room and woodhouse together a small1 dusty leather trunk1 with rusty locks and keys entirely lacking4 8,very well10 said ,m4 ,sixte1 8you may go and buy a little one like that1 immediately1 and you may put into it whatever is necessary for a journey40 8,is monsieur going away80 asked ,mariette4 8,yes10 said the philosopher1 8for a few days40 8,but monsieur has nothing that he needs10 insisted the old servant1 8monsieur cannot go away like that1 without any traveling rugs1 without----0 8,procure what is needed10 interrupted the philosopher1 8and hasten--,i take the train at nine o'clock40 8,and is it necessary that ,i accompany monsieur40 8,no1 that is useless10 said ,m4 ,sixte1 8come1 you have no time to lose40 8,oh6 if he only does not think of killing himself10 said ,carbonnet when ,mariette had told of this new move1 almost as extraordinary in this little corner of the world as if the philosopher had announced his marriage4 8,ah60 said the servant1 following up his idea1 8if he only would take me with him6 ,if ,i have to pay out of my own pocket1 ,i will go40 ,this sublime cry1 in the mouth of a creature who had come from ,paugres in ,ardche1 to be a servant and who carried economy so far as to make her home dresses from the old redingotes of the savant1 will demonstrate better than any analysis what uneasiness the metamorphosis of this man who was passing through a moral crisis1 which was terrible for him1 inspired in these humble people4 ,not realizing that he was observed1 he showed the intensity of it in his slightest gestures as well as in the features of his face4 ,since the death of his mother he had not known such unhappy hours1 and the suffering inflicted by the irreparable separation was entirely sentimental2 but the reading of ,robert ,greslon's memoir had attacked him in the center of his being1 his intellectual life1 his sole reason for living4 ,at the moment he gave ,mariette the order to prepare his valise1 he was as much overcome by fright as on the night he turned over the pages of the notebook of confidences4 ,this fright began from the first pages of this narrative in which a criminal aberration of mind was studied1 as if spread out for display1 with such a mixture of pride and of shame1 of cynicism and of candor1 of infamy and of superiority4 ,at meeting the phrase in which ,robert ,greslon had declared himself united to him by a cord as close as it was unbreakable1 the great psychologist had trembled1 and he had trembled at every repetition of his name in this singular analysis1 at every citation of one of his works1 which proved the right of this abominable libertine to call himself his pupil4 ,a fascination made up of horror and curiosity had constrained him to go straight through to the end of this fragment of biography in which his ideas1 his cherished ideas1 his science1 his beloved science1 appeared united with acts so shameful4 ,ah6 if they had been united6 ,but no1 these ideas1 this science1 the accused claimed them as the excuse1 as the cause of the most monstrous1 the most complaisant depravity6 ,as he advanced into the manuscript he felt that a little of his inmost person became soiled1 corrupted1 gangrened2 he found so much of himself in this young man1 but a 8himself0 made up of sentiments which he detested the most in the world4 ,for in this illustrious philosopher the holy virginities of conscience remained intact1 and1 behind the bold nihilism of mind1 the noble heart of an ingenuous man was hidden4 ,it was in this inviolate conscience1 in this irreproachable honesty1 that the master of this felon preceptor felt himself suddenly lacerated4 ,this sinister history of a love affair1 so basely carried on1 of a treason so black1 of a suicide so melancholy1 brought him face to face with the most frightful vision2 that of his mind acting and corrupting1 his1 who had lived in voluntary renunciation1 in daily purity4 ,the whole adventure of ,robert ,greslon showed to him the complexities of a hideous pride and of an abject sensuality1 to him who had labored only to serve psychology1 to him a modest worker in a labor which he believed beneficent1 and in the most severe asceticism1 in order that the enemies of his doctrines could not argue from his example against his principles4 ,this impression was the more violent as it was unexpected4 ,a physician of large heart would experience an anguish of an analogous order if1 having established the theory of a remedy1 he learned that one of his assistants had tried the application of it1 and that all in one ward of the hospital were in agony from its effects4 ,to do wrong1 knowing it and willing it1 is very bitter to a man who is better than his deeds4 ,but to have devoted thirty years to a work1 to have believed this work useful1 to have pursued it sincerely1 simply1 to have repelled as insulting the accusations of immorality thrown at him by his angry adversaries1 and1 suddenly1 by the light of a frightful revelation1 to hold an indisputable proof1 a proof real as life itself1 that this work has poisoned a mind1 that it carries in it a principle of death1 that it is spreading this principle to all the corners of the earth--ah6 what a cruel shock1 what a savage wound to receive1 if the shock should last only an hour1 and the wound be closed at once6 ,all revolutionary thinkers have known such hours of anguish4 ,but most pass quickly through them1 and for this reason it is rare for a man to be thrust into the battle of ideas without his becoming soon the comedian of his first sincerities4 ,he sustains his rle4 ,he has partisans1 and more than all he soon comes1 by friction with life1 to that conception of the peu prs almost1 which makes him admit1 as inevitable1 a certain falling away from his ideal4 ,he says to himself that one does evil here1 right elsewhere1 and sometimes1 that after all1 the world and the people will always go the same4 ,with ,adrien ,sixte sincerity was too complete for any such reasoning to be possible4 ,he had neither rle to play nor faithful adherents to manage4 ,he was alone4 ,his philosophy1 and he made only one1 and the compromises by which all great fame is accompanied1 had in no way impaired his fierce and proud mind4 ,we must add that he had found the means1 thanks to his perfect good faith1 of passing through society without ever seeing it4 ,the passions which he had depicted1 the crimes which he had studied1 he saw as persons who designate medical observation1 8,a thirty-five years1 such profession1 unmarried40 ,and the exposition of the case is developed without a detail which gives to the reader the sensation of the individual4 ,always the rigorous theorizer on the passions1 the minute anatomist of the will1 he had never fairly seen face to face a creature of flesh and blood2 so that the memoir of ,robert ,greslon did not speak only to his consciousness as an honest man4 ,so1 during the eight days which followed the first reading1 there was a continual obsession1 and this increased the moral pain by uniting it with a sort of physical uneasiness4 ,the psychologist saw his ill-fated disciple as he had looked upon him here in this same room1 with his feet on the same carpet1 leaning his arms on this same table1 breathing1 moving4 ,behind the words on the paper he heard that voice a little dull which pronounced the terrible phrase3 8,i have lived with your mind and of your mind1 so passionately1 so completely20 and the words of the confession1 instead of being simple characters written with cold ink upon inert paper1 became animated into words behind which he felt a living being3 8,ah60 thought he when this image became too strong1 8why did the mother bring this notebook to me80 ,it would have been so natural for the unhappy woman1 a prey to mad anxiety1 to prove the innocence of her son by violating this trust4 ,but no1 ,robert had without doubt deceived her with the hypocrisy of which he so boasted1 the miserable fellow1 as if it were a psychological conquest4 ,the haunting hallucination of the face of the young man would have sufficed to overcome ,adrien ,sixte4 ,when the mother had cried3 8,you have corrupted my son10 his learned serenity had been scarcely disturbed4 ,in like manner1 he had opposed only contempt to the accusation of the elder ,jussat1 repeated by the judge1 and to the remarks of the latter on moral responsibility4 ,how tranquil he had gone out of the ,palais de ,justice6 ,and now there was no more contempt in him2 that serenity was conquered1 and he1 the negator of all liberty1 he the fatalist who decomposed virtue and vice with the brutality of a chemist studying a gas1 he the bold prophet of universal mechanism1 and who until then had always experienced the perfect harmony of mind and heart1 suffered with a suffering in contradiction to all his doctrines--he felt remorse1 he felt himself responsible6 ,it was only after these eight clays of the first shock1 during which the memoir had been read and reread1 so that he could repeat all the phrases of it1 that this conflict of heart and mind became clear to ,adrien ,sixte1 and the philosopher tried to recover himself4 ,he walked to the ,jardin des ,plantes1 one afternoon toward the end of ,february1 an afternoon as mild as spring4 ,he sat down on a bench in his favorite walk1 that which runs along the ,rue de ,buffon1 and at the foot of a ,virginia acacia1 propped up with crutches1 adorned with plaster like a wall1 and with knotty branches like the fingers of a gouty giant4 ,the author of the 8,psychology of ,god0 loved this old trunk whose sap was all dried up because of the date inscribed on the placard and which constituted the civil status of the poor tree4 8,planted in #afcb40 ,the year of the birth of ,spinoza4 ,the sun of the early afternoon was very soft and this impression relaxed the nerves of the promenader4 ,he looked around him absently1 and was pleased to follow the movements of two children who were playing near their mother4 ,they were collecting sand with little wooden shovels with which to build an imaginary house4 ,suddenly one of them rose up brusquely and struck his head against the bench which was behind him4 ,he must have hurt himself1 for his face contracted into a grimace of pain1 and1 before bursting into tears1 there were the few seconds of suffocated silence which precede the sobs of children4 ,then1 in a fit of furious rage1 he turned to the bench and struck it furiously with his fist4 8,are you stupid1 my poor ,constant10 said his mother to him1 shaking him and drying his eyes2 8come1 let me wipe your nose10 and she wiped it2 8it will do you much good to be angry at a piece of wood40 ,this scene diverted the philosopher4 ,when he rose to continue his walk under this pleasant sun1 he thought of it for a long time4 8,i am like that little boy10 said he to himself3 8,in his childishness1 he gives life to an inanimate object1 he makes it responsible4 ,and what else have ,i been doing for more than a week80 ,for the first time since the reading of the memoir1 he dared to formulate his thought with the clearness which was the proper characteristic of his mind and of his works3 8,i have believed myself responsible for a part in this frightful adventure4 ,responsible8 ,there is no sense in that word40 ,while passing toward the gate of the garden1 then in the direction of the isle ,saint ,louis and toward ,notre ,dame1 he took up the detail of the reasoning against this notion of responsibility in the 8,anatomy of the ,will10 above all his critique of the idea of cause4 ,he had always particularly held to this piece4 8,that is evident10 he concluded4 ,then1 after he was once more assured of the certainty of his own intellect1 he constrained himself to think of the ,robert ,greslon1 now a prisoner in cell number seven in the jail of ,riom1 and of the ,robert ,greslon formerly a young student of ,clermont leaning over the pages of the 8,theory of the ,passions0 and of the 8,psychology of ,god40 ,he felt anew an insupportable sensation that his books should have been thus handled1 meditated upon1 loved by this child4 8,but we are double60 thought he1 8and why this powerlessness to conquer illusions which we know to be false80 ,all at once a phrase of the memoir came to his mind3 8,i have remorse1 when the doctrines which form the very essence of my intelligence make me consider remorse as the most foolish of human illusions40 ,the identity between his moral condition and that of his pupil appeared so hateful to him that he tried to get rid of it by new reasoning4 8,ah1 well60 said he to himself1 8let us imitate the geometrician1 let us admit to be true what we know to be false4 ,let us proceed by absurdity4 ,yes1 man is an agent and a free agent4 ,then he is responsible4 ,maybe4 ,but when1 where1 how have ,i acted badly8 ,why do ,i have remorse because of this scoundrel8 ,what is my fault80 ,he returned1 resolved to review his whole life4 ,he saw himself a little child1 working at his tasks with a minuteness of conscientiousness worthy of his father the clock maker4 ,then when he had begun to think1 what did he love1 what did he wish8 ,the truth4 ,when he had taken the pen1 why did he write1 to serve what cause1 if not that of truth8 ,to the truth he had sacrificed everything2 fortune1 place1 family1 health1 love1 friendship4 ,and what did even ,christianity teach1 the doctrine the most penetrated by ideas different from his own8 8,peace on earth1 to men of good will10 that is to those who have sought for the truth4 ,not a day1 not an hour in all that past1 which he scrutinized with the force of the most subtle genius put to the service of the most honest conscience1 had he failed in the ideal programme of his youth formulated in this noble and modest device3 8,to say what he thought1 to say only what he thought40 8,this is duty1 for those who believe in duty10 said he1 8and ,i have fulfilled it40 ,the night after this courageous meditation1 this great1 honest man slept at last and with a sleep that the remembrance of ,robert ,greslon did not trouble4 ,on awaking1 ,adrien ,sixte was still calm4 ,he was too well accustomed to study himself not to seek for a cause for this facing about of his impressions1 and too sincere not to recognize the reason4 ,this momentary lull of remorse must arise from the simple fact of having admitted as true some ideas upon the moral life which his reason condemned4 8,there are then beneficent ideas1 and malevolent ideas10 he concluded4 8,but what8 ,does the malevolence of an idea prove its falsity8 ,let us suppose that the death of ,charlotte be concealed from the ,marquis de ,jussat1 he is quieted by the idea that his daughter is living4 ,the idea would be salutary to him4 ,would it be true for that reason8 ,and inversely40 ,adrien ,sixte had always considered as a sophism1 as cowardly1 the argument directed by certain spiritualistic philosophers against the fatal consequences of new doctrines1 and generalizing the problem1 he said again3 8,as is the mind so is the doctrine4 ,the proof of it is that ,robert ,greslon has transformed religious practices into an instrument of his own perversity40 ,he again took up the memoir to find the pages consecrated by the accused to his sentiments for the church1 then he became again fascinated and reread this long piece of analysis1 but giving particular attention this time to each passage in which his own name1 his theories1 his works were mentioned4 ,he applied all the strength of his mind to prove to himself that every phrase cited by ,greslon had been justified by acts absolutely contrary to those which the morbid young man had justified by them4 ,this reperusal1 attentive and minute1 had the effect of throwing him into a new attack of his trouble4 ,with his magnificent sincerity1 the philosopher recognized that the character of ,robert ,greslon1 dangerous by nature1 had met in his doctrines1 as it were1 a land where were developed his worst instincts1 and that ,adrien ,sixte found himself radically powerless to respond to the supreme appeal made to him by his disciple from the depths of his dungeon4 ,of all the memoir1 the last lines touched the deepest chord4 ,although the word debt had not been pronounced1 he felt that this unfortunate had a claim on him4 ,greslon said truly3 a master is united to the mind that he has directed1 even if he has not willed this direction1 even if this mind has not rightly interpreted the teaching1 by a sort of mystic cord1 and one which does not permit of casting it to certain moral agony with the indifferent gesture of ,pontius ,pilate4 ,here was a second crisis1 more cruel perhaps than the first4 ,when he had been fully impressed by the ravages produced by his works1 the savant became panic-stricken4 ,now that he was calm1 he measured1 with frightful precision the powerlessness of his psychology1 however learned it might be1 to handle the strange mechanism of the human soul4 ,how many times he began letters to ,robert ,greslon which he was unable to finish6 ,what could he say to this miserable child8 ,must he accept the inevitable in the internal as well as in the external world--accept his mind as one accepts his body8 ,yes1 was the result of all his philosophy4 ,but in this inevitable there was the most hideous corruption in the past and in the present4 ,to advise this man to accept himself1 with all the profligacy of such a nature1 was to make himself an accomplice in this profligacy4 ,but to blame him8 ,in the name of what principle had he done it1 after having professed that virtue and vice are additions1 good and evil1 social labels without value2 finally that everything is of necessity in each detail of our being as well as in the whole of the universe4 ,what counsel could he give him for the future8 ,by what counsel prevent this brain of twenty-two years from being ravaged by pride and sensuality1 by unhealthy curiosity and depraving paradoxes8 ,would one prove to a viper1 if it could comprehend reasoning1 that it ought not to secrete venom8 8,why am ,i a viper80 it would respond4 ,seeking to state his thought with precision1 ,adrien ,sixte compared the mental mechanism taken to pieces by ,robert ,greslon1 with the watches which he had seen in his father's establishment4 ,a spring goes1 a movement follows1 then another1 and another4 ,the hands move4 ,if a single part were touched the whole would stop4 ,to change anything in the mind would be to stop life4 ,ah6 ,if the mechanism could only modify its own wheels and their movement6 ,but if the watchmaker take the watch to pieces and make it over again6 ,there are persons who turn from the evil to the good1 who fall and rise again1 who are cast down and are again built up in their morality4 ,yes1 but there is the fallacy of repentance which presupposes the delusion of liberty and of a judge1 of a ,heavenly ,father4 ,could he1 ,adrien ,sixte1 write to this young man3 8,repent2 cease to believe that which ,i have shown you to be true80 ,and yet it was frightful to see a soul die without trying to do something to save it4 ,at this point of his meditation the thinker was brought to a stand by the insoluble problem of the unexplained life of the soul1 as desperate for the psychologist as is the unexplained life of the body for the physiologist4 ,the author of the book upon ,god and who had written this sentence3 8,there is no mystery2 there are only ignorances10 refused the contemplation of the beyond1 which1 showing an abyss behind all reality1 leads science to bow before the enigma and say3 8,i do not know1 ,i shall never know10 and which permits religion to interpose4 ,he felt his incapacity for doing anything for this young soul in distress1 and who had need of supernatural aid4 ,but to only speak of such a formula1 with his ideas1 was as foolish as to talk of squaring the circle1 or of giving three right angles to a triangle4 ,a very simple event rendered this struggle more tragic by imposing the necessity for immediate action4 ,an anonymous hand sent him a paper which contained an article of extreme violence against himself and his influence in regard to ,robert ,greslon4 ,the writer1 evidently inspired by some relation or some friend of the ,jussats1 branded modern philosophy and its doctrines1 incarnated in ,adrien ,sixte and in several other savants4 ,then he called up an example4 ,in a final paragraph1 improvised in the modern style1 with the realism of imagery which is the rhetoric of to-day1 as the poesy of the metaphor was that of the past1 he showed the assassin of ,mlle4 de ,jussat mounting the scaffold1 and a whole generation of young decadents cured of their pessimism by this example4 ,in any other circumstances the great psychologist would have smiled at this declaration4 ,he would have thought that the envoi came from his enemy ,dumoulin1 and resumed his work with the tranquillity of ,archimedes tracing his geometrical figures on the sand during the sack of the city4 ,but in reading this chronicle1 scribbled without doubt on the corner of a table in the ,tortoni caf by a moralist of the boulevard1 he perceived one fact of which he had not thought1 so much had the folly of abstraction withdrawn him from the social world3 that this moral drama was becoming a real drama4 ,in a few weeks1 perhaps in a few days1 he of whose innocence he held the proof1 would be judged4 ,now1 according to the justice of men1 the supposed assassin of ,mlle4 de ,jussat was innocent2 and if this memoir did not constitute a decisive proof1 it offered an indisputable character of veracity which was sufficient to save a life4 ,would he allow this head to fall1 he1 the confidant of the misery1 the shame1 the perfidy of the young man1 but who also knew that this intellectual scoundrel was not an actual murderer8 ,without doubt he was bound by the tacit engagement contracted in opening the manuscript2 but was this engagement valid in the presence of death8 ,there was1 in this solitary being assailed for a month by moral torment1 such a need of escaping from the ineffectual and sterile corrosion of his thoughts by a positive volition1 that he felt it a relief when he had at last decided on a part4 ,from other journals which he anxiously consulted1 he learned that the ,greslon case would come before the assizes of ,riom1 on ,friday1 ,march #aath4 ,on the #ajth he gave ,mariette the order to prepare his valise1 and the same evening he took the train after posting a letter addressed to ,m4 the ,count ,andr de ,jussat1 ,captain of ,dragoons in garrison at ,lunville4 ,this letter1 not signed1 simply contained the lines3 8,monsieur1 ,count de ,jussat has in his hands a letter from his sister which contains the proof of the innocence of ,robert ,greslon4 ,will he permit an innocent man to be condemned80 ,the nihilistic psychologist had not been able to write the words right and duty4 ,but his resolution was taken4 ,he would wait until the trial was ended1 and if ,m4 de ,jussat were still silent1 if ,greslon were condemned1 he would place the memoir in the hands of the president4 8,he took his ticket for ,riom10 said ,mlle4 ,trapenard to ,father ,carbonnet on returning from the station whither she had accompanied her master1 almost in spite of himself1 8but the idea of his going away off there1 alone1 and in this cold1 when he is so comfortable here60 8,be easy1 ,mlle4 ,mariette10 said the astute porter4 8,we shall know all some day4 ,but nothing will make me think that there is not an illegitimate son in it somewhere40 ,,vi4 ,,count ,,andr4 ,,at the moment when the note which had been put into the box by ,adrien ,sixte arrived at ,lunville1 ,count ,andr was himself at ,riom4 ,chance willed that these two men should not meet1 for the celebrated writer1 on leaving the train1 took his place at a venture in the omnibus for the ,htel du ,commerce1 while the count had his apartment at the ,htel de l',univers4 ,there in a parlor furnished with old furniture1 hung with a faded paper1 with worn curtains and a patched carpet1 and on the morning of this ,friday1 ,march #aa1 #ahhg1 on which the ,greslon trial opened1 the brother of poor ,charlotte was walking up and down4 ,noon was about to strike from the clock of ornamented copper1 which decorated the chimney-piece4 ,outside1 the sky was covered with clouds1 one of those ,auvergne skies which brings the icy wind of the mountains4 ,the count's orderly1 a dragoon with a jovial physiognomy1 had brought a little military order into this salon1 and1 after having wound the clock stirred up the fire he began to set the table for two4 ,from time to time he watched his captain1 who1 stroking his mustache with one hand1 biting his lips1 wrinkling his brow1 wore the expression of the most painful anxiety4 ,but ,joseph ,pourat1 this was the orderly's name1 simply thought that the count was scarcely master of himself1 while they were trying the assassin of his sister4 ,for him1 as for all who were in any way connected with the ,jussat-,randons and who had known ,charlotte1 there was no doubt of ,robert ,greslon's guilt4 ,what the faithful soldier less understood1 knowing the energy of his officer1 was that he had allowed the old marquis to go to the trial alone4 8,that will do very well10 said the count1 and ,pourat1 who placed the plates and forks after having wiped them1 a necessary preliminary1 thought in presence of the visible agony of his master3 8,he has a good heart all the same1 if he is a little brusque4 ,how much he loved her60 ,andr de ,jussat did not seem to even suspect there was any one in the room beside himself4 ,his brown eyes close to his nose1 which had astonished1 almost disturbed ,robert ,greslon1 by their resemblance to those of a bird of prey1 no longer shot forth that proud look which goes straight to an object1 and takes hold of it4 ,no1 there was a species of shrinking back1 almost a shame1 like a fear of showing his inmost suffering4 ,they were the eyes of a man whom a fixed idea possesses and whom the sting of an intolerable pain constantly touches in the most sensitive part of his soul4 ,this pain dated from the day on which he had received his sister's letter revealing her terrible project of suicide4 ,a dispatch had arrived almost at the same moment1 announcing the death of ,charlotte1 and he had taken the train for ,auvergne precipitately1 without knowing how to inform his father of the fearful truth1 but decided to have a just revenge on ,greslon4 ,and the marquis had received him with these words3 8,you received my dispatch8 ,we have the assassin40 ,the count had said nothing1 comprehending that there must be a misunderstanding2 and the marquis had stated the suspicions against the preceptor1 also the fact that he had just been arrested4 ,immediately this idea imposed itself upon the brother1 who was mad with grief1 that destiny offered him this vengeance1 the only object of his thought since he had read the confession of the dead and the detail of her misery1 of her errors1 her resistances her atrocious deception1 of her fatal resolution4 ,he had only not to hide the letter1 and the cowardly moral assassin of the young girl would be accused1 imprisoned1 no doubt condemned4 ,the honor of ,charlotte would be saved1 for ,robert ,greslon could not prove his relations with the girl4 ,the marquis and the marquise1 the father and the mother1 so confiding so penetrated by the truest love for the memory of their poor child1 would at least be ignorant of the fault of this dear one which would be to them a new despair greater than the girl's tragic death4 ,and ,count ,andr was silent4 ,not1 however1 without a violent effort over himself4 ,this courageous man who possessed by nature and by will the true virtues of a soldier1 detested perfidy1 compromises of conscience1 all expedients and all dastardliness4 ,he had felt that it was his duty to speak1 not to allow an innocent person to be accused4 ,he had in vain said to himself that this ,greslon was the moral assassin of ,charlotte1 and that this assassination merited a punishment as well as the other2 this sophism of his hate had not quite controlled the other voice1 that which forbids us to become accomplices in an iniquity1 and the condemnation of ,greslon as a poisoner was certainly iniquitous4 ,an unexpected and to him an almost monstrous circumstance had completely overwhelmed ,andr de ,jussat2 the silence of the accused4 ,if ,greslon had spoken1 recounted his amours1 defending his life at the price of the honor of his victim1 the count could not have despised him enough4 ,by a contrast of character which must appear still more inexplicable to a simple mind1 this infamous man suddenly displayed the generosity of a gentleman in not speaking a word which could soil the memory of one whom he had drawn into so detestable an ambuscade4 ,this scoundrel was brave in the presence of justice1 almost heroic in his way4 ,in any case he ceased to be worthy of disgust only4 ,andr said to himself that this might be the tactics of the court of assizes1 a proceeding to obtain an acquittal in the absence of proofs4 ,but1 on the other hand1 he knew by the letter of his sister of the existence of the journal in which the details of the scientific experiment had been consigned hour by hour4 ,this journal singularly diminished the chances of conviction1 and ,greslon did not produce it4 ,the officer could not have explained why this dignity of attitude on the part of his enemy so angered him1 that he had a frantic desire to rush to the magistrate1 in order that the truth might be brought to light1 and the dead should owe nothing1 not an atom of her posthumous honor to this scoundrel who had won her love4 ,when he thought of his sister1 the sweet creature whom he had loved1 with so virile and noble an affection1 that of an elder brother for a frail refined child1 in the possession of this clown1 this chance preceptor1 him who had inflicted on his race an outrage so abject he could have roared with fury1 as when1 during the war1 it had been necessary to assist at the capitulation of ,metz and to give up his arms4 ,he felt then a solace in thinking that the bench of infamy on which were seated burglars1 swindlers1 and murderers was waiting for this man1 and then the scaffold or the galleys4 ,and he stifled the voice which said3 8,you ought to speak40 ,my ,god6 what agony for him in these three months1 during which there had not been five minutes in which he had not struggled against these contradictory sentiments4 ,on the field of drill1 for he had returned to service2 on horseback1 galloping over the roads of ,lorraine2 in his room thinking1 over this question3 8,what was he to do80 ,weeks had passed without any answer1 but the moment had come when it was necessary to act and to decide1 for in two days--the trial must occupy four sessions--,greslon would be judged and condemned4 ,there would be still some time after the conviction2 but what of it6 ,the same debate would only have to be gone over again4 ,he had not decided to be silent until the last4 ,he refrained from speaking1 but he had not vowed to himself that he would refrain from speaking4 ,this was the reason it had been physically impossible for him to accompany his father to the ,palais de ,justice during this first session1 of which he should soon hear the account1 as twelve was striking1 twelve very harsh strokes followed by a carillon in the steeple of a neighboring church4 8,my captain1 here is ,m4 the ,marquis10 said the orderly1 who had heard the rolling of a carriage1 then its stop before the hotel1 after which he took a look out of the window4 8,ah1 well1 my father80 asked ,andr anxiously as soon as the marquis had entered4 8,ah1 well6 the jury is for us10 responded ,m4 de ,jussat4 ,he was no longer the broken down monomaniac whom ,greslon had so bitterly mocked in his memoir4 ,his eyes were brilliant and there was youth in his voice and gestures4 ,the passion for vengeance1 instead of breaking him down1 sustained him4 ,he had forgotten his hypochondria1 and his speech was quick1 impetuous1 and clear4 8,they were drawn this morning4 ,among the twelve jurors1 there are three farmers1 two retired officers1 a physician1 two shopkeepers1 two proprietors1 a manufacturer1 and a professor1 all good men1 men of family1 and who would wish to make an example4 ,the procureur-gnral is sure of a conviction4 ,ah6 the scoundrel6 but ,i was happy1 the only time in three months1 when ,i saw him between two gendarmes6 ,but what audacity6 ,he looked around the hall4 ,i was on the first bench4 ,he saw me4 ,would you believe it1 he did not turn away his eyes8 ,he looked at me fixedly as if he wished to brave me4 ,ah6 we must have his head1 and we will have it40 ,the old man had spoken with a savage accent and he had not noticed the painful expression that his words had brought to the face of the count4 ,this last1 at the picture of his enemy1 thus conquered by public force1 seized by the gendarmes1 as if caught in the gear of that anonymous and invincible machine of justice1 trembled with a chill of shame1 the shame of a man who has employed bravos in a work of death4 ,these gendarmes1 and these magistrates1 were really the bravos employed in doing what he would so much have liked to do himself1 with his own hands and upon his own responsibility4 ,decidedly1 it was cowardly not to have spoken4 ,then the look thrown by ,greslon at the ,marquis de ,jussat1 what did it mean8 ,did he know that ,charlotte had written her letter of confession the evening before her suicide8 ,and if he knew it1 what did he think8 ,the idea alone that this young man could suspect the truth and despise them for their silence lighted a fever in the blood of the count4 8,no10 said he to himself when the marquis had gone back for the afternoon session after a dinner eaten in haste1 8,i cannot keep silent4 ,i will speak1 or ,i will write40 ,he seated himself and began to trace mechanically these words at the head of a sheet3 8,monsieur the ,president30 ,the night fell while this unhappy man was still in the same place1 his brow in his hand1 and not having written the first line of this letter4 ,he waited for the news of the second session1 and it was with a shock that he heard his father recount the details of it4 8,ah6 my dear ,andr6 ,you were right not to come6 ,what infamy6 ,ah6 what infamy6 ,greslon was questioned4 ,he continues his system and refuses to say anything4 ,that is nothing4 ,the experts reported the results of their analyses4 ,our good doctor first4 ,his voice trembled1 the dear man1 when he described his impression at seeing our poor ,charlotte1 you know1 in her room4 ,and then ,professor ,armand2 you could not have endured this horrible thing1 this autopsy of our angel in that room in which there were certainly five hundred persons4 ,and then the ,paris chemist4 ,if there could be any doubt after that6 ,the bottle which that monster used1 was on the table4 ,i saw it4 ,and then--how did he dare8 ,his lawyer1 an official advocate1 however1 and who has not even the excuse of being the friend of his client4 ,his advocate4 ,but how shall ,i tell you8 ,he asked if ,charlotte had had a lover4 ,there was a murmur of disgust in the hall1 of indignation from everybody4 ,she1 my child1 so pure1 so noble1 a saint6 ,i could have choked the man4 ,even the assassin was moved1 he whom nothing touches4 ,i saw him4 ,at that moment he put his head in his hands and wept4 ,answer1 ought it not to be forbidden by law1 to speak in that way of a victim in open court8 ,what did this rogue believe then1 that she had a lover8 ,a lover6 ,she a lover60 ,the old man's indignation was so strong that he suddenly burst into tears4 ,the son1 in presence of this touching grief felt his heart melt and the tears fill his eyes1 and the two men embraced one another without a word4 8,you see10 resumed the father when he was able to speak1 8this is the dreadful side of these trials1 the public discussion of the most private matters4 ,i have told you before that ,i was sure she was unhappy all winter because ,maxime was absent4 ,she loved him1 but was not willing that it should be seen4 ,it was this that aroused ,greslon's jealousy when he came to the house and found her so gracious1 so unpretentious1 he believed that he could win her4 ,how could she have suspected such a thing1 when ,i who have had so much experience of men1 never saw or guessed any thing80 ,once started on this subject the marquis talked all through the dinner1 then during the whole evening4 ,he enjoyed the consolation1 the only one possible in certain crises1 of recollecting aloud4 ,and the religious worship which the unhappy father preserved for the dead was for the son1 who listened without responding1 something tragical at this moment when he was preparing to do what8 ,was he really about to bring this terrible blow on the old man8 ,in his own room1 with the great silence of a provincial city around him1 he took up his sister's letter and read it again1 although he knew by heart every phrase in it4 ,there arose from these pages traced by the hand forever still1 a sigh so profound1 a breath of agony so sad and so heartrending6 ,the illusion of the girl had been so mad1 her struggles so sincere1 her awakening so bitter1 that the count felt again the tears flow down his cheeks4 ,this was the second time that he had wept that day1 he who1 since the death of ,charlotte1 had kept his eyes dry and burning with hate4 ,he said3 8,greslon has deserved--0 ,he remained motionless some minutes1 and1 walking toward the chimney in which the fire was just extinguished1 he placed on the half-consumed log the leaves of the letter4 ,he struck a match and slipped it under the paper4 ,he saw the line of flame develop all around1 then again the frail writing1 then transform this only proof of the miserable amour and suicide into a blackish mass4 ,the brother finished by mixing this debris with the ashes4 ,he lay down saying aloud3 8,it is done10 and he slept1 as on the night after his first battle1 the exhausted sleep which succeeds with men of action1 great expenditure of will1 and he did not open his eyes until nine o'clock the next day4 8,monsieur1 the marquis forbade me to wake you10 said ,pourat when1 called by his master1 he opened the shutters4 ,the sunlight entered1 the bright sunlight instead of the sad and lowering sky of the evening before4 8,he has been gone an hour4 ,my captain knows that to-day they are going to take the accused by the subterranean passage1 everybody is so excited against him40 8,what subterranean passage80 asked ,andr4 8,that one which goes from the jail to the ,palais de ,justice4 ,they use it for great criminals1 those who might be torn to pieces by the public4 ,faith1 captain1 if ,i saw that fellow go by1 ,i believe ,i should feel like knocking him over on the spot4 ,those enraged dogs do not judge1 they kill4 ,but10 he continued1 8,i have forgotten the morning's letters in the salon40 ,he returned in a minute1 having in his hand three envelopes4 ,andr1 who threw a glance at the first two1 saw at once from whom they came4 ,the third was in an unknown hand4 ,it had been addressed to ,lunville1 from ,paris1 then sent on to ,riom4 ,the count opened it1 and read the three lines which ,sixte had written before taking the train for ,riom4 ,the hands of this brave officer who did not know the meaning of the word fear1 began to tremble4 ,he became as pale as the paper which he held in his trembling hands1 so pale that ,pourat said to him with fear3 8,my captain is ill40 8,leave me10 said the count brusquely4 8,i will dress myself alone40 ,he had need to recover from the sudden blow which had just struck him4 ,there was some one in the world who knew the terrible secret1 some one who knew the mystery of ,charlotte's death and who was not ,robert ,greslon1 for he had seen some of the young man's writing and this was quite unlike it4 ,this was a shock of terror such as the most courageous might feel before a fact so absolutely unexpected that it takes on a supernatural character4 ,if the brother of ,charlotte had seen his sister1 alive there before him1 he could not have been more prostrated with astonishment4 ,some one knew of the suicide of the young girl1 and of the letter written by her before her death1 and possibly all the rest4 ,and this some one1 this mysterious witness of the truth1 what did he think of him8 ,the question with which the note ended told plainly enough4 ,suddenly the count remembered what he had dared to do4 ,he remembered the letter thrown into the fire1 and the purple of shame rushed to his cheeks4 ,the resolution1 taken the evening before1 could not be kept4 ,that any man should have the right to say3 8,the ,count de ,jussat has committed a cowardly act10 was more than this gentleman so proud of his honor1 was able to endure4 ,the trouble of the night before1 that he had believed ended1 revived1 and was rendered more intolerable by the return of his father who said3 8,they have heard all the witnesses4 ,i have deposed4 ,but what was very hard was to find myself in the small hall with ,greslon's mother4 ,it is a chance if she does not come down here4 ,she is at the ,htel du ,commerce1 where she has begged me to come to talk with her4 ,ah6 what a scene6 ,she has a face not to be forgotten1 a severe face1 with black eyes which have1 as it were1 a fire in their tears4 ,she walked up to me and spoke to me4 ,she adjured me to say that her son was innocent1 that ,i knew it1 that ,i had no right to depose against him4 ,yes1 it was a terrible scene1 and the gendarme interrupted it4 ,the unhappy woman6 ,i cannot feel hard toward her4 ,he is her son4 ,what a strange thing that a rascal like him can still have in the world a heart that loves him1 even as ,i loved ,charlotte1 as ,i love you6 ,alas60 continued the old man4 8,it is one o'clock4 ,the attorney-general is going to speak4 ,then the defense4 ,between five and six o'clock we shall have the verdict4 ,ah1 but that will satisfy the heart to see him when the sentence is pronounced6 ,it is only just4 ,he has committed murder4 ,he ought to die40 ,when the count was again alone1 he began to walk up and down1 as the evening before1 while ,pourat with the valet of ,m4 de ,jussat1 cleared away the table4 ,these two men have since declared that their master had never seemed so violently uneasy1 as during the thirty minutes that they were busy in the room4 ,their astonishment was very great when he asked to have his uniform got ready4 ,in a quarter of an hour he was dressed and left the hotel4 ,one detail made the brave ,pourat shiver4 ,he stated that the officer took his revolver with him which had been placed for two nights on the nightstand4 ,the soldier communicated his fears to his companion4 8,if this ,greslon is acquitted10 said he1 8the captain is the man to blow his brains out on the spot40 8,we ought to follow him1 perhaps80 responded the valet-de-chambre4 ,while the two servants were deliberating1 the count followed the main street which led to the ,palais de ,justice4 ,he knew it1 for he had often been to ,riom in his childhood4 ,this old parliamentary city1 with its large hotels with the high windows1 built in black ,volvic stone1 seemed more empty1 more silent1 more dead than usual as the brother of ,charlotte walked toward the court4 ,near the approaches to ,palais there was a dense crowd which filled the narrow ,rue ,saint-,louis by which one reaches the hall of assize4 ,the ,greslon case had attracted all who had an hour to spare4 ,andr could scarcely force his way through the mass of people1 composed of countrymen and small shopkeepers who were conversing with passionate animation4 ,he arrived at the steps which lead to the vestibule4 ,two soldiers guarded the door1 charged to keep back the crowd4 ,the count seemed to hesitate1 then1 instead of entering1 he pushed on to the end of the street4 ,he reached a terrace1 which1 situated between the sinister walls of the central building and the dark mass of the ,palais1 gave a view of the immense plain of the ,limagne4 ,a fountain charmed the silence of this spot1 and the sound of its murmuring could be heard even above the noise of the crowd in the neighboring street4 ,andr sat down on a bench near the fountain4 ,he was never able to tell why he remained there more than half an hour1 nor the exact reason why he arose1 walked toward the ,palais1 wrote his name and some words on a card1 and gave this card to a soldier to be carried by the bailiff to the president4 ,he had the very distinct feeling that he must act1 almost in spite of himself1 and as in a dream4 ,his resolution nevertheless was taken and he felt that he should not weaken again1 although he apprehended with horrible anguish the meeting with his father1 who was over there1 beyond those people whose heads were bent forward1 their shoulders curved4 ,he felt in his agony the only solace he could experience when the bailiff came for him4 ,for1 instead of introducing him at once into the hall1 this man led him through a passage to a small room which was1 without doubt1 the office of the president4 ,some packets were lying on the table4 ,an overcoat and a hat hung on a peg4 ,arrived there1 his guide said to him3 8,monsieur the president will come to you as soon as the attorney-general has finished40 ,what unexpected consolation in his pain6 ,the punishment of deposing in public and before his father would be spared him6 ,this hope was of short duration4 ,the officer had not been ten minutes in the office of the president when the latter entered3 a large old man1 with a face yellow from bile and with gray hair1 whom the contrast of his red robe made look greenish4 ,after the first words and before the affirmation of the count that he brought proof of the innocence of the accused3 8,on these conditions1 monsieur10 said the president1 8,i cannot receive your confidences4 ,the audience is to be resumed and you will be heard as a witness1 provided neither the prosecution nor the defense object40 ,thus none of the stations toward his ,calvary could the brother of ,charlotte avoid4 ,he was about to come in contact with this impassible machinery of justice1 which does not stop1 which cannot stop on account of human sensibility4 ,he must seat himself in the witness chamber1 and recall the scene which had passed there between his father and the mother of ,greslon1 then enter the hall of assize4 ,he could see the bare wall with the image of the crucified which overlooked this hall1 the heads turned toward him in supreme attention1 the president among his judges1 and the attorney-general1 all in their red robes2 the jurors on the left of the court4 ,robert ,greslon was on the right on the prisoner's bench1 his arms folded1 livid but impassible1 and everybody crowded everywhere1 behind the magistrates1 in the tribunes4 ,on the witness bench ,andr recognized his father and his white hairs4 ,ah6 how this sight cut him to the heart--the heart which did not falter however1 when the president1 after asking the counsel and attorney-general if they did not object to hearing the witness1 asked him to state his name and title and take oath according to the formula4 ,the magistrates who assisted at this scene are unanimous in declaring that they never experienced an emotion in court at all comparable to that which seized the audience and themselves when this man1 whose heroic past all were acquainted with through the articles published in the journals1 began in a firm voice1 but one which betrayed excruciating grief3 8,gentlemen of the jury3 ,i have only a few words to say4 ,my sister was not assassinated1 she killed herself4 ,the night before her death she wrote me a letter in which she announced her resolution to die1 and why4 ,gentlemen1 ,i believe that ,i had the right to conceal this suicide1 ,i burned this letter4 ,if the man whom you have before you10 and he indicated ,greslon with his left hand--8did not give the poison1 he has done worse4 ,but this is not for your justice to consider1 and he ought not to be convicted as an assassin4 ,he is innocent4 ,in default of material proof which ,i can no longer give1 ,i bring you my word40 ,these sentences fell one by one1 amid the anguish of the whole audience4 ,there was a cry followed by groans4 8,he is mad10 said a voice1 8he is mad1 do not listen to him40 8,no1 my ,father10 replied ,count ,andr1 who recognized the voice of the marquis1 and who turned toward the old man1 who lay back1 crushed1 on his bench4 8,i am not mad4 ,i have done what honor compelled4 ,i hope1 monsieur the president1 that ,i may be spared from saying any more40 ,there was entreaty in his voice1 the voice of this proud man1 as he uttered this last sentence1 and it so affected the hearers that a murmur ran through the crowd when the president replied3 8,to my great regret1 monsieur1 ,i cannot grant what you ask4 ,the extreme importance of the deposition which you have just made does not permit justice to rest upon the information which is our duty--a very painful duty--to ask you to state precisely40 8,that is well1 monsieur1 ,i also will do my duty to the end40 ,there was in the accent with which the witness uttered this sentence such resolution that the murmur of the crowd gave way suddenly to silence1 and the president was heard saying3 8,you spoke of a letter1 monsieur1 which your sister had written to you4 ,permit me to say that it is at least extraordinary that your first idea was not to enlighten justice by communicating it at once40 8,it contained10 said the count1 8a secret which ,i would have been willing to conceal at the price of my blood40 ,he has since told the friend who remained so true to the end of this drama1 ,maxime de ,plane1 that this was the most terrible moment of his sacrifice--but his emotion was suppressed by its very excess4 ,he was obliged to give all the details of the letter--and recount his own sensations1 and confess all his agonies4 ,as to what followed1 he has declared that he could recall only a few material details--and those the most unexpected--the coldness to his hand of an iron column against which he was leaning when he ought to have been sitting on the witness bench from which some one came to take him to his father who had fainted at the last words of his deposition4 ,he noticed also the drawling ,lorraine accent of the procureur-gnral who had risen to abandon the prosecution4 ,how much time elapsed between the speeches of the procureur and of ,greslon's counsel1 the retiring of the jury and its re-entrance with a negative verdict1 he never knew4 ,he has never known how he employed his evening1 after the doorkeeper had invited him to leave4 ,he remembers to have walked a great distance4 ,some citizens of ,combronde met him on the road to this village4 ,he went to an inn where he wrote some letters1 addressed1 one to his father1 one to his mother and a third to his colonel1 and a last to ,maxime de ,plane4 ,at nine o'clock he knocked at the door of the ,htel du ,commerce1 where his father had told him the mother of ,greslon had gone1 and he asked the concierge if ,m4 ,greslon was there4 ,this fellow had heard of the dramatic scene4 ,he guessed from the uniform of the captain who he was1 and had the good sense to reply that ,m4 ,robert ,greslon had not appeared4 ,unfortunately he thought it right to inform the young man1 who was at that moment with his mother and ,m4 ,adrien ,sixte4 ,this last could not resist the supplications of the widow who1 having met him in the corridor of the hotel1 had conjured him to aid her in comforting her son4 8,monsieur10 said the concierge to ,robert after having asked permission to speak to him apart1 8be careful1 ,m4 de ,jussat is looking for you40 8,where is he80 asked ,greslon feverishly4 8,he cannot have left the street10 responded the concierge1 8but ,i told him that you were not here40 8,you did wrong10 replied ,greslon4 ,and taking his hat1 he rushed toward the stairs4 8,where are you going80 implored his mother4 ,the young man did not answer4 ,perhaps he did not even hear this cry1 he was in such haste to go down the stairs4 ,the idea that ,count ,andr believed him cowardly enough to hide himself maddened him4 ,he had not long to look for his enemy4 ,the count was on the opposite side of the street1 watching the door4 ,robert saw him and walked straight up to him4 8,you have something to say to me1 monsieur80 he asked proudly4 8,yes10 said the count4 8,i am at your service10 continued ,greslon1 8for whatever reparation that it may please you to exact4 ,i will not leave ,riom1 ,i give you my word40 8,no1 monsieur10 responded ,andr de ,jussat1 8one does not fight with such men as you1 one executes them40 ,he drew his revolver from his pocket1 and as the other1 instead of fleeing1 remained standing before him and seemed to say3 8,i dare you10 he lodged a bullet in his head4 ,the noise of the report1 and a cry of agony were heard at the same time at the hotel1 and when they ran to see the cause1 they found ,count ,andr standing against the wall1 who1 throwing down his pistol and1 folding his arms said simply1 pointing to the body of his sister's lover at his feet3 8,i have executed justice40 ,and he allowed himself to be arrested without any resistance4 ,during the night which followed this tragic scene1 the admirers of the 8,psychology of ,god0 of the 8,theory of the ,passions0 and of the 8,anatomy of the ,will10 would have been astonished if they could have seen what was passing in room ,no4 #c of the ,htel du ,commerce1 and in the mind of their implacable and powerful master4 ,at the foot of the bed on which lay the dead man1 with his brow bandaged1 knelt the mother of ,robert ,greslon4 ,the great negator1 seated on a chair1 looked at this woman praying1 and at the dead man who had been his disciple1 sleeping the sleep which ,charlotte de ,jussat was also sleeping2 and1 for the first time1 feeling his mind powerless to sustain him1 this analyst1 almost inhuman by force of logic1 bowed before the impenetrable mystery of destiny4 ,the words of the only prayer he remembered3 8,our ,father who art in heaven10 came to his mind4 ,surely he did not pronounce them4 ,perhaps he never will pronounce them4 ,but if he exist1 then the only father toward whom they could turn in their hours of distress and in whom was their only resource1 was their heavenly father4 ,and voices of prayer the most touching went up4 ,and if this heavenly father did only exist1 should we have this hunger and not insist for him in such hours as this8 8,thou wouldst not sent me if thou hadst not found me60 ,at that very moment1 thanks to the lucidity of mind which accompanies the scholar into all crises1 ,adrien ,sixte recalled this admirable sentence of ,pascal in his 8,mystre de ,jsus01 and when the mother arose from her knees the philosopher was also weeping4 ,,the ,,end4