,,transcriber',s ,,notes3 ,in the plain text version text in italics is enclosed by underscores 7italics74 ,a number of words in this book have both hyphenated and non-hyphenated variants4 ,for the words with both variants present the one more used has been kept4 ,obvious punctuation and other printing errors have been corrected4 ,the modified book cover by the transcriber for this e,book is granted to the public domain4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,messiah ,,the ,,novels ,,of ,,gore ,,vidal ,,williwaw #aidf ,,in ,a ,,yellow ,,wood #aidg ,,the ,,city ,,and ,,the ,,pillar #aidh ,,the ,,season ,,of ,,comfort #aidi ,a ,,search ,,for ,,the ,,king #aiej ,,dark ,,green1 ,,bright ,,red #aiej ,,the ,,judgment ,,of ,,paris #aieb ,,messiah #aied4 ,,messiah ,,by ,,gore ,,vidal ,e4 ,p4 ,,dutton ,,co41 ,,inc4 ,,new ,,york #aied ,copyright1 #aied1 by ,e4 ,p4 ,dutton ,co41 ,inc4 ,all rights reserved4 ,printed in the ,u4,s4,a4 ,,first ,,edition ,no part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher1 except by a reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review written for inclusion in magazine or newspaper or radio broadcast4 ,library of ,congress ,catalog ,card ,number3 #ed-ejec ,for ,,tennessee ,,williams ,i sometimes think the day will come when all the modern nations will adore a sort of ,american god1 a god who will have been a man that lived on earth and about whom much will have been written in the popular press2 and images of this god will be set up in the churches1 not as the imagination of each painter may fancy him1 not floating on a ,veronica kerchief1 but established1 fixed once and for all by photography4 ,yes1 ,i foresee a photographed god1 wearing spectacles4 ,on that day civilization will have reached its peak and there will be steam-propelled gondolas in ,venice4 ,november1 #ahfa3 ,the ,goncourt ,journals ,,messiah #a ,i envy those chroniclers who assert with reckless but sincere abandon3 8,i was there4 ,i saw it happen4 ,it happened thus40 ,now ,i too1 in every sense1 was there1 yet ,i cannot trust myself to identify with any accuracy the various events of my own life1 no matter how vividly they may seem to survive in recollection 444 if only because we are all1 ,i think1 betrayed by those eyes of memory which are as mutable and particular as the ones with which we regard the material world1 the vision altering1 as it so often does1 from near in youth to far in age4 ,and that ,i am by a devious and unexpected route arrived at a great old age is to me a source of some complacency1 even on those bleak occasions when ,i find myself attending inadvertently the body's dissolution1 a process as imperceptible yet sure as one of those faint1 persistent winds which shift the dunes of sand in that desert of dry ,libya which burns1 white and desolate1 beyond the mountains ,i see from the window of my room1 a window facing1 aptly enough1 the west where all the kings lie buried in their pride4 ,i am also conscious that ,i lack the passion for the business of familiar life which is the central preoccupation of our race while1 worse still1 ,i have never acquired the habit of judging the usual deeds of men 444 two inconvenient characteristics which render me uncertain whenever ,i attempt to recall the past1 confounding me sadly with the knowledge that my recollections are1 after all1 tentative and private and only true in part4 ,then1 finally1 ,i have never found it easy to tell the truth1 a temperamental infirmity due not so much to any wish or compulsion to distort reality that ,i might be reckoned virtuous but1 rather1 to a conception of the inconsequence of human activity which is ever in conflict with a profound love of those essential powers which result in human action1 a paradox certainly1 a dual vision which restrains me from easy judgments4 ,i am tempted to affirm that historic truth is quite impossible1 although ,i am willing to accept the philosophic notion that it may exist abstractly1 perfect and remote in the imagination4 ,a windy attic filled with lovely objects has always been my personal image of those absolutes ,aristotle conceived with such mellifluous optimism 444 and ,i have always liked the conceits of philosophy1 the more extravagant the better4 ,i am especially devoted to ,parmenides who was so strenuously obsessed with the idea of totality that he was capable1 finally1 of declaring that nothing ever changed1 that what has been must still exist if it is yet remembered and named1 a metaphysical conception which will1 ,i suspect1 be of some use to me as ,i journey in memory back to that original crisis from which ,i have for so long traveled and to which1 despite the peril1 ,i must return4 ,i do not say1 then1 that what ,i remember is all true but ,i can declare that what ,i shall recall is a relative truth as opposed to that monstrous testament the one-half world believes1 entrenching deep thereby a mission at whose birth ,i officiated and one whose polished legend has since become the substantial illusion of a desperate race4 ,that both mission and illusion were false1 ,i alone can say with certainty1 with sorrow1 such being the unsuspected and terrible resolution of brave days4 ,only the crisis1 which ,i shall record1 was real4 ,i have said ,i am not given to making judgments4 ,that is not precise4 ,it is true that in most 8wicked0 acts ,i have been able1 with a little effort1 to perceive the possibilities for good either in actual intention or 7and to me more important7 in uncalculated result2 yet1 ultimately1 problems in ethics have never much concerned me3 possibly because they have been the vital interest of so many others who1 through custom1 rule society1 more agreeably than not4 ,on that useful moral level ,i have been seldom1 if ever1 seriously engaged but once on another1 more arduous plane ,i was forced to make a choice1 to judge1 to act3 and act ,i did in such a way that ,i am still startled by the implications of my choice1 of my life's one judgment4 ,i chose the light in preference to the dreamless dark1 destroying my own place in the world1 and then1 more painful still1 ,i chose the light in preference to that twilight region of indeterminate visions and ambiguities which most suited my nature1 a realm where decision was impossible and where the potentialities of choice were endless and exquisite to contemplate4 ,to desert these beloved ghosts and incalculable powers was the greater pain1 but ,i have lived on1 observing with ever-increasing intensity that blazing disk of fire which is the symbol as well as material source of the reality ,i have accepted entirely1 despite the sure dominion in eternity of the dark other4 ,but now1 as my private day begins to fade1 as the wind in the desert gathers in intensity1 smoothing out the patterns in the sand1 ,i shall attempt to evoke the true image of one who assumed with plausibility in an age of science the long-discarded robes of prophecy1 prevailing at last through ritual death and becoming1 to those who see the universe in man1 that solemn idea which is yet called by its resonant and antique name1 god4 #b ,stars fell to earth in a blaze of light and1 where they fell1 monsters were born1 hideous and blind4 ,the first dozen years after the second of the modern wars were indeed 8a time of divination10 as one religious writer unctuously described them4 ,not a day passed but that some omen or portent was remarked by an anxious race1 suspecting war4 ,at first1 the newspapers delightedly reported these marvels1 getting the details all wrong but communicating that sense of awfulness which was to increase as the years of peace uneasily lengthened until a frightened people demanded government action1 the ultimate recourse in those innocent times4 ,yet these omens1 obsessive and ubiquitous as they were1 would not yield their secret order to any known system4 ,for instance1 much of the luminous crockery which was seen in the sky was never entirely explained4 ,and explanation1 in the end1 was all that the people required4 ,it made no difference how extraordinary the explanation was1 if only they could know what was happening3 that the shining globes which raced in formation over ,sioux ,falls1 ,south ,dakota1 were mere residents of the ,andromeda ,galaxy1 at home in space1 omnipotent and eternal in design1 on a cultural visit to our planet 444 if only this much could definitely be stated1 the readers of newspapers would have felt secure1 able in a few weeks' time to turn their attention to other problems1 the visitors from farther space forgotten4 ,it made little difference whether these mysterious blobs of light were hallucinations1 inter-galactic visitors or military weapons1 the important thing was to explain them4 ,to behold the inexplicable was perhaps the most unpleasant experience a human being of that age could know1 and during that gaudy decade many wild phenomena were sighted and recorded4 ,in daylight1 glittering objects of bright silver maneuvered at unearthly speed over ,washington1 ,d4 ,c41 observed by hundreds1 some few reliable4 ,the government1 with an air of spurious calm1 mentioned weather balloons1 atmospheric reflections1 tricks-of-eye1 hinting1 to1 as broadly as it dared1 that a sizable minority of its citizens were probably subject to delusions and mass hysteria4 ,this cynical view was prevalent inside the administration though it could not of course propound such a theory publicly since its own tenure was based1 more or less solidly1 on the franchise of those same hysterics and irresponsibles4 ,shortly after the mid-point of the century1 the wonders increased1 becoming daily more bizarre4 ,the recent advance in atomic research and in jet-propulsion had made the ,western world disagreeably aware of other planets and galaxies and the thought that we would soon be making expeditions into space was disquieting1 if splendid1 giving rise to the not illogical thought that life might be developing on other worlds somewhat more brilliantly than here at home and1 further1 that it was quite conceivable that we ourselves might receive visitors long before our own adventuring had begun in the starry blackness which contains our life1 like a speck of phosphorus in a quiet sea4 ,and since our people were 7and no doubt still are7 barbarous and drenched in superstition1 like the dripping 8,saved0 at an old-time ,texas baptism1 it was generally felt that these odd creatures whose shining cars flashed through our poor heavens at such speed must1 of necessity1 be hostile and cruel and bent on world dominion1 just like ourselves or at least our geographic neighbors4 ,the evidence was horrific and plentiful3 ,in ,berlin a flying object of unfamiliar design was seen to land by an old farmer who was so close to it that he could make out several little men twinkling behind an arc of windows4 ,he fled1 however1 before they could eat him4 ,shortly after his breathless announcement to the newspapers1 he was absorbed by an ,asiatic government whose destiny it was at that time to regularize the part of humanity fortunate enough to live within its curiously elastic boundaries1 both temporal and spiritual4 ,in ,west ,virginia1 a creature ten feet tall1 green with a red face and exuding a ghastly odor1 was seen to stagger out of a luminous globe1 temporarily grounded4 ,he was observed by a woman and four boys1 all of unquestionable probity2 they fled before he could eat them4 ,later1 in the company of sheriff and well-armed posse1 they returned to the scene of horror only to find both monster and conveyance gone3 but even the skeptical sheriff and his men could detect1 quite plainly1 an unfamiliar odor1 sharp and sickening among the clean pines4 ,this particular story was unique because it was the first to describe a visitor as being larger instead of smaller than a man1 a significant proof of the growing anxiety3 we could handle even the cleverest little creature but something huge1 and green1 with an awful odor 444 it was too much4 ,i myself1 late one night in ,july of the mid-century1 saw quite plainly from the eastern bank of the ,hudson ,river where ,i lived1 two red globes flickering in a cloudless sky4 ,as ,i watched1 one moved to a higher point at a forty-five-degree angle above the original plane which had contained them both4 ,for several nights ,i watched these eccentric twins but then1 carried away by enthusiasm1 ,i began to confuse ,mars and ,saturn with my magic lights until at last ,i thought it wise to remain indoors1 except for those brief days at summer's end when ,i watched1 as ,i always used to do1 the lovely sudden silver arcs meteors plunging make4 ,in later years1 ,i learned that1 concurrently with the celestial marvels1 farm communities were reporting an unusual number of calves born two-headed1 chickens hatched three-legged1 and lambs born with human faces2 but since the somewhat vague laws of mutation were more or less well understood by the farmers these curiosities did not alarm them3 an earlier generation1 however1 would have known1 instinctively1 that so many irregularities forecast an ill future1 full of spite4 ,eventually1 all was satisfactorily explained or1 quite as good1 forgotten4 ,yet the real significance of these portents was not so much in the fact of their mysterious reality as in the profound effect they had upon a people who1 despite their emphatic materialism1 were as easily shattered by the unexpected as their ancestors who had1 on other occasions1 beheld eagles circling ,capitoline ,hill1 observed the sky grow leaden on ,golgotha1 shivered in loud storms when the rain was red as blood and the wind full of toads1 while in our own century1 attended by a statesman-,pope1 the sun did a dance over ,portugal4 ,considering the unmistakable nature of these signs1 it is curious how few suspected the truth3 that a new mission had been conceived out of the race's need1 the hour of its birth already determined by a conjunction of terrible new stars4 ,it is true of course that the established churches duly noted these spectacular happenings and1 rather slyly1 used them to enhance that abstract power from which their own mystical but vigorous authority was descended4 ,the more secular1 if no less mystical1 dogmas 444 descended variously from an ill-tempered social philosopher of the nineteenth century and an energetic1 unreasonably confident mental therapist1 also a product of that century's decline 444 maintained1 in the one case1 that fireworks had been set off by vindictive employers to bedazzle the poor workers for undefined but patently wicked ends1 and1 in the other case1 that the fiery objects represented a kind of atavistic recessional to the childish world of marvels2 a theory which was developed even further in a widely quoted paper by an ingenious disciple of the dead therapist4 ,according to this worthy1 the universe was the womb in symbol and the blazing lights which many people thought they saw were only a form of hallucination1 hearking back to some prenatal memory of ovaries bursting with a hostile potential life which would1 in time1 become sibling rivals4 ,the writer demanded that the government place all who had seen flying objects under three years' close observation to determine to what extent sibling rivalry1 or the absence of it 7the proposition worked equally well either way7 had affected them in life4 ,although this bold synthesis was universally admired and subsequently read into the ,congressional ,record by a lady ,representative who had herself undergone nine years' analysis with striking results1 the government refused to act4 #c ,but although nearly every human institution took cognizance of these signs and auguries1 none guessed the truth1 and those few individuals who had begun to suspect what might be happening preferred not to speak out2 if only because1 despite much private analysis and self-questioning1 it was not a time in which to circulate ideas which might prove disagreeable to any minority1 no matter how lunatic4 ,the body politic was more than usually upset by signs of non-conformity4 ,the atmosphere was not unlike that of ,britain during the mad hour of ,titus ,oates4 ,precisely why my countrymen behaved so frantically is a problem for those historians used to the grand1 eternal view of human events4 ,i have often thought1 though1 that much of our national irritability was closely related to the unexpected and reluctant custody of the world the second war had pressed upon the confused grandchildren of a proud1 agrarian1 isolated people1 both indifferent and strange to the ways of other cultures4 ,more to the point1 however1 was the attitude of our intellectuals who constituted at this time a small1 militantly undistinguished minority1 directly descended in spirit if not in fact from that rhetorical eighteenth-century ,swiss whose romantic and mystical love for humanity was magically achieved through a somewhat obsessive preoccupation with himself4 ,his passion for self-analysis flourished in our mid-century1 at least among the articulate few who were capable of analysis and who1 in time1 like their great ancestor1 chose the ear of the world for their confessional4 ,men of letters lugubriously described their own deviations 7usually apolitical or sexual1 seldom aesthetic71 while painters worked devotedly at depicting unique inner worlds which were not accessible to others except in a state of purest empathy hardly to be achieved without a little fakery in a selfish world4 ,it was1 finally1 the accepted criterion that art's single function was the fullest expression of a private vision 444 which was true enough though the visions of men lacking genius are not without a certain gloom4 ,genius1 in this time1 was quite as rare as in any other and1 to its credit1 it was not a self-admiring age 444 critics found merit only in criticism1 a singular approach which was to amuse the serious for several decades4 ,led by artists1 the intellectuals voiced their guilt at innumerable cocktail parties where it was accepted as an article of faith that each had a burden of guilt which could1 once recognized1 be exorcised2 the means of recognition were expensive but rewarding3 a trained and sympathetic listener would give the malaise a name and reveal its genesis2 then1 through confession 7and occasionally 8reliving07 the guilt would vanish along with asthma1 impotence and eczema4 ,the process1 of course1 was not easy4 ,to facilitate therapy1 it became the custom among the cleverer people to set aside all the traditional artifices of society so that both friends and strangers could confess to one another their worst deeds1 their most squalid fantasies in a series of competitive monologues conducted with arduous sincerity and surprisingly successful on every level but that of communication4 ,i am sure that this sort of catharsis was not entirely valueless3 many of the self-obsessed undoubtedly experienced relief when dispensing secrets 444 it was certainly an instructive shock for them to find that even their most repellent aberrations were accepted quite perfunctorily by strangers too intent on their own problems to be outraged1 or even very interested4 ,this discovery was not always cheering4 ,there is a certain dignity and excitement in possessing a dangerous secret life4 ,to lose it in maturity is hard 444 and once promiscuously shared1 it does become ordinary1 no more troublesome than obvious dentures4 ,many cherished private hells were forever lost in those garrulous years and the vacuum each left was invariably filled with a boredom which1 in its turn1 could only be dispelled by faith4 ,as a result1 the pursuit of the absolute1 in one guise or another1 became the main preoccupation of these romanticists who professed with some pride a mistrust of the reason1 derived quite legitimately from their own stunning incapacity to assimilate the social changes created by machinery1 their particular ,lucifer4 ,they rejected the idea of the reflective mind1 arguing that since both logic and science had failed to establish the first cause of the universe or 7more important7 humanity's significance1 only the emotions could reveal to us the nature of reality1 the key to meaning4 ,that it was actually no real concern of this race why or when or how the universe came into being was an attitude never1 so far as ,i can recall1 expressed by the serious-minded of the day4 ,their searching1 however1 was not simply the result of curiosity2 it was more than that3 it was an emotional1 senseless plunging into the void1 into the unknowable and the irrelevant4 ,it became1 finally1 the burden of life1 the blight among the flowers3 the mystery which must be revealed1 even at the expense of life4 ,it was a terrible crisis1 made doubly hard since the eschewal of logic left only one path clear to the heart of the dilemma3 the way of the mystic1 and even to the least sensible it was sadly apparent that1 lacking a superior and dedicated organization1 one man's revelation is not apt to be of much use to another4 ,quantities of venerable attitudes were abandoned and much of the preceding century's 8eternal truths and verities0 which had cast1 rock-like1 so formidable and dense a shadow1 were found1 upon examination1 to be so much sand1 suitable for the construction of fantastic edifices but not durable1 nor safe from the sea's tide4 ,but the issue was joined3 dubious art was fashioned1 authorities were invoked1 dreams given countenance and systems constructed on the evidence of private illumination4 ,for a time1 political and social action seemed to offer a way out1 or in4 ,foreign civil wars1 foreign social experiments were served with a ferocity difficult to comprehend2 but later1 when the wars and experiments went wrong1 revealing1 after such high hopes1 the perennial human inability to order society1 a disillusion resulted1 bitterly resolved in numerous cases by the assumption of some mystical dogma1 preferably one so quaintly rich with history1 so sweeping and unreasonable in its claims as to be thoroughly acceptable to the saddened romanticist who wanted1 above all else1 to feel1 to know without reasoning4 ,so in these portentous times1 only the scientists were content as they constructed ever more fabulous machines with which to split the invisible kernels of life while the anti-scientifics leaped nervously from one absolute to another 444 now rushing to the old for grace1 now to the new for salvation1 no two of them really agreeing on anything except the need for agreement1 for the last knowledge 444 and that1 finally1 was the prevailing note of the age2 since reason had been declared insufficient1 only a mystic could provide the answer1 only he could mark the boundaries of life with a final authority1 inscrutably revealed4 ,it was so perfectly clear4 ,all that was lacking was the man4 ,,one #a ,the garden was at its best that first week in the month of ,june4 ,the peonies were more opulent than usual and ,i walked slowly through the green light on the terrace above the white river1 enjoying the heavy odor of peonies and of new roses rambling in hedges4 ,the ,hudson was calm1 no ripple revealed that slow tide which even here1 miles to the north of the sea1 rises brackishly at the moon's disposition4 ,across the river the ,catskills1 water-blue1 emerged sharply from the summer's green as though the earth in one vivid thrust had attempted sky1 fusing the two elements into yet another1 richer blue 444 but the sky was only framed1 not really touched1 and the blue of hills was darker than the pale sky with its protean clouds all shaped by wind1 like the stuff of auguries and human dreaming4 ,the sky that day was like an idiot's mind1 wild with odd clouds1 but lovely too1 guileless1 natural1 allusive4 ,i did not want to go in to lunch1 although there was no choice in the matter4 ,i had arrived at one o'clock2 ,i was expected at one-thirty4 ,meanwhile1 avoiding the house until the last possible moment1 ,i had taken a neighbor's privilege of strolling alone about the garden2 the house behind me was gray and austere1 granitic1 more ,english than ,hudson ,valley4 ,the grounds swept softly down toward the river nearly a mile away4 ,a vista had been cleared from the central terrace1 a little like the one at ,versailles but more rustic1 less royal4 ,dark green trees covered the hills to left and right of the sweep of lawn and meadow4 ,no other house could be seen4 ,even the railroad between the terrace and the water was invisible1 hidden by a bluff 444 only its sound and an occasional blur of smoke upon the blue marked that machine's essential passage4 ,i breathed the air of early summer gladly1 voluptuously4 ,i lived my life in seasonal concert with this river and1 after grim ,march and confusing sharp ,april1 the knowledge that at last the leaves were foliaged and the days warm was quite enough to create in me a mood of euphoria1 of marvelous serenity4 ,i contemplated love affairs4 ,i prepared to meet strangers4 ,the summer and ,i would celebrate our triumph soon2 but1 until the proper moment1 ,i was a spectator3 the summer love as yet unknown to me1 the last dark blooming of peonies amid the wreckage of white lilacs still some weeks away1 held in the future with my love4 ,i could only anticipate2 ,i savored my disengagement in this garden4 ,but then it was time to go in and ,i turned my back resolutely on the river and ascended the wide stone steps to the brick terrace which fronted the house on the river side1 pausing only to break the stem of a white and pink peony1 regretting immediately what ,i had done3 brutally1 ,i had wished to possess the summer1 to fix the instant1 to bear with me into the house a fragment of the day4 ,it was wrong2 and ,i stood for a moment at the ,french door holding the great peony in my hand1 its odor like a dozen roses1 like all the summers ,i had ever known4 ,but it was impractical4 ,i could not stuff it into my buttonhole for it was as large as a baby's head while ,i was fairly certain that my hostess would be less than pleased to receive at my hands one of her best peonies1 cut too short even to place in water4 ,obscurely displeased with myself and the day1 ,i plunged the flower deep into a hedge of boxwood until not even a glimmer of white showed through the dense dark green to betray me3 then1 like a murderer1 the assaulted day part-spoiling1 ,i went inside4 #b 8,you have been malingering in the garden10 she said1 offering me her face like a painted plate to kiss4 8,i saw you from the window40 8,saw me ravage the flowers80 8,they all do10 she said obscurely1 and led me after her into the drawing room1 an oblong full of light from ,french windows opening upon the terrace4 ,i was surprised to see that she was alone4 8,she'll be along presently4 ,she's upstairs changing40 8,who80 8,iris ,mortimer 444 didn't ,i tell you8 ,it's the whole reason40 ,clarissa nodded slyly from the chair opposite me4 ,a warm wind crossed the room and the white curtains billowed like spinnakers in a regatta4 ,i breathed the warm odor of flowers1 of burned ash remnants from the fireplace3 the room shone with silver and porcelain4 ,clarissa was rich despite the wars and crises that had marked our days1 leaving the usual scars upon us1 like trees whose cross-sections bear a familial resemblance of concentric rings1 recalling in detail the weather of past years 444 at least those few rings we shared in common1 or ,clarissa1 by her own admission1 was twenty-two hundred years old with an uncommonly good memory4 ,none of us had ever questioned her too closely about her past4 ,there is no reason to suspect1 however1 that she was insincere4 ,since she felt she had lived that great length of time and since her recollections were remarkably interesting and plausible she was much in demand as a conversationalist and adviser1 especially useful in those plots which require great shrewdness and daring4 ,it was perfectly apparent that she was involved in some such plot at the moment4 ,i looked at her thoughtfully before ,i casually rose to take the bait of mystery she had trailed so perfunctorily before me4 ,she knew her man4 ,she knew ,i would not be difficult in the early stages of any adventure4 8,whole reason80 ,i repeated4 8,i can say no more60 said ,clarissa with a melodramatic emphasis which my deliberately casual tone did not entirely justify4 8,you'll love ,iris1 though40 ,i wondered whether loving ,iris1 or pretending to love ,iris1 was to be the summer's game4 ,but before ,i could inquire further1 ,clarissa1 secure in her mystery1 asked me idly about my work and1 as idly1 ,i answered her1 the exchange perfunctory yet easy1 for we were used to one another4 8,i am tracking him down10 ,i said4 8,there is so little to go on1 but what there is is quite fascinating1 especially ,ammianus40 8,fairly reliable1 as military men go10 said ,clarissa1 suddenly emerging from her polite indifference3 any reference to the past she had known always interested her1 only the present seemed to bore her1 at least that ordinary unusable present which did not contain promising material for one of her elaborate human games4 8,did you know him80 ,i never accepted1 literally1 ,clarissa's unique age3 two thousand years is an unlikely span of life even for a woman of her sturdy unimaginativeness2 yet there was no ignoring the fact that she seemed to have lived that long1 and that her references to obscure episodes1 where ascertainable1 were nearly always right and1 more convincing still1 where they differed from history's records1 differed on the side of plausibility 444 the work of a memory or a mind completely unsuperstitious and unenthusiastic3 7she was literal2 she was1 excepting always her central fantasy1 matter-of-fact4 ,to her the death or ,caesar was the logical outcome of a system of taxation which has not been preserved for us except in quaintly obscure references2 while the virtue of the ,roman republic and the ambitions of celebrated politicians1 she set aside as being of only minor importance3 currency and taxation were her forte and she managed to reduce all the martial splendor of ancient days to an economic level74 ,she had one other obsession1 however1 and my reference to ,ammianus reminded her of it4 8,the ,christians60 she exclaimed significantly2 then she paused2 ,i waited4 ,her conversation at times resembled chapter-headings chosen haphazardly from an assortment of ,victorial novels4 8,they hated him40 8,ammianus80 8,no1 your man ,julian4 ,it is the ,emperor ,julian you are writing about40 8,reading about40 8,ah1 you will write about him10 she said with an abstracted pythoness stare which suggested that ,i was indefatigable in my eccentric purpose which1 for some years1 had been the study of history in a minor key4 8,of course they hated him4 ,as well they should have 444 that's the whole point to my work40 8,unreliable1 the lot of them4 ,there is no decent history from the time they came to ,rome up until that fat little ,englishman 444 you know1 the one who lived in ,switzerland 444 with rather staring eyes40 8,gibbon40 8,yes1 that one4 ,of course he got all the facts wrong1 poor man1 but at least he tried4 ,the facts of course were all gone by then4 ,they saw to that 444 burning things1 rewriting things 444 not that ,i really ever read them 444 you know how ,i am about reading3 ,i prefer a mystery novel any day4 ,but at least ,gibbon got the tone right40 8,yet44440 8,of course ,julian was something of a prig1 you know4 ,he posed continually and he wasn't 444 what do they call him now8 an apostate4 ,he never renounced ,christianity40 8,he what 4440 ,clarissa in her queer way took pleasure in rearranging all accepted information4 ,i shall never know whether she did it deliberately to mystify or whether her versions were1 in fact1 the forgotten reality4 8,he was a perfectly good ,christian au fond despite his peculiar diet4 ,he was a vegetarian for some years but wouldn't eat beans1 as ,i recall1 because he thought they contained the souls of the dead1 an old orphic notion40 8,which is hardly ,christian40 8,isn't that part of it8 ,no8 ,well in any case the first proclamation of ,paris was intended 4440 but ,i was never to hear ,julian's intent for ,iris was in the doorway1 slender1 dressed in white1 her hair dark and drawn back in a classical line from her calm face3 she was handsome and not at all what ,i had expected1 but then ,clarissa had1 as usual1 not given me much lead4 ,iris ,mortimer was my own age1 ,i guessed1 about thirty1 and although hardly a beauty she moved with such ease1 spoke with such softness1 created such an air of serenity that one gave her perhaps more credit for the possession of beauty than an ,american devoted to regular features ought1 in all accuracy1 to have done3 the impression was one of lightness1 of this month of ,june in fact 444 ,i linger over her description a little worriedly1 conscious that ,i am not really getting her right 7at least as she appeared to me that afternoon7 for the simple reason that our lives were to become so desperately involved in the next few years and my memories of her are now encrusted with so much emotion that any attempt to evoke her as she actually was when ,i first saw her in that drawing room some fifty years ago is not unlike the work of a restorer of paintings removing layers of glaze and grime in an attempt to reveal an original pattern in all its freshness somewhere beneath 444 except that a restorer of course is a workman who has presumably no prejudice and1 too1 he did not create the original image only to attend its subsequent distortion1 as the passionate do in life2 for the ,iris of that day was1 ,i suppose1 no less and no more than what she was to become2 it was merely that ,i could not suspect the bizarre course our future was to take4 ,i had no premonition of our mythic roles1 though the temptation is almost overpowering to assert1 darkly1 that even on the occasion of our first meeting ,i knew4 ,the truth is that we met2 we became friends2 we lunched amiably and the future cast not one shadow across the mahogany table around which we sat1 listening to ,clarissa and eating fresh shad caught in the river that morning4 8,eugene here is interested in ,julian10 said our hostess1 lifting a spring asparagus to her mouth with her fingers4 8,julian who80 8,the ,emperor of ,rome4 ,i forget his family name but he was a nephew1 ,i think1 of ,constantius1 who was dreary too though not such a bore as ,julian4 ,iris1 try the asparagus4 ,we get them from the garden40 ,iris tried an asparagus and ,clarissa recalled that the ,emperor ,augustus's favorite saying was3 8,quick as boiled asparagus40 ,it developed that he had been something of a bore1 too4 8,hopelessly involved in office work4 ,of course it's all terribly important1 no doubt of that 444 after all the entire ,empire was based on a first-rate filing system2 yet1 all in all1 it's hardly glamorous40 8,whom did you prefer80 asked ,iris1 smiling at me3 she too was aware of our hostess's obsession2 whether or not she believed is a different matter4 ,i assumed not2 yet the assumption of truth is perhaps1 for human purposes1 the same as truth itself1 at least to the obsessed4 8,none of the obvious ones10 said ,clarissa1 squinting near-sightedly at the window through which a pair of yellow-spangled birds were mating on the wing like eccentric comets against the green of box4 8,but of course1 ,i didn't know everyone1 darling4 ,only a few4 ,not all of them were accessible4 ,some never dined out4 ,some that did go out were impossible and then of course ,i traveled a good deal4 ,i loved ,alexandria and wintered there for over two hundred years1 missing a great deal of the unpleasantness at ,rome1 the unstability of those tiresome generals 444 although ,vitellius was great fun1 at least as a young man4 ,i never saw him when he was ,emperor that time1 for five minutes wasn't it8 ,died of greed4 ,such an appetite6 ,on one occasion as a young man he ate an entire side of beef at my place in ,baiae4 ,ah1 ,baiae1 ,i do miss it4 ,much nicer than ,bath or ,biarritz and certainly more interesting than ,newport was4 ,i had several houses there over the years4 ,once when ,senator ,tullius ,cicero was traveling with that poisonous daughter of his1 they stopped44440 ,we listened attentively as one always did to ,clarissa 444 does8 ,i wonder if she is still alive3 if she is1 then perhaps the miracle has indeed taken place and one human being has finally avoided the usual fate4 ,it is an amiable miracle to contemplate4 ,lunch ended without any signs of that revelation which ,clarissa had led me to expect4 ,nothing was said which seemed to possess even a secret significance4 ,wondering idly whether or not ,clarissa might1 after all1 be entirely mad1 ,i followed the two women back into the drawing room where we had our coffee in a warm mood of satiety made only faintly disagreeable for me by that mild nausea which ,i always used to experience when ,i drank too much wine at lunch3 now of course ,i never see wine1 only the ,arabs' mint tea and their sandy bitter coffee which ,i have come to like4 ,a warm breeze fluttered the curtains3 the noise of insects responding to the sun's increasing heat droned all upon the same note1 dry and insistent1 a bass to the coloratura of birds1 while the scent of flowers filled the airy room and ,i detected lilies as well as peonies1 their odor almost too sweet1 quite drowning the more delicate rose1 the pale ,hudson lilac4 ,clarissa reminisced idly4 ,she possessed a passion for minor detail which was often a good deal more interesting than her usual talks on currency devaluation4 ,neither ,iris nor ,i spoke much2 it was as if we were both awaiting some word from ,clarissa which would throw into immediate relief this luncheon1 this day1 this meeting of strangers4 ,but ,clarissa only gossiped on2 at last1 when ,i was beginning to go over in my mind the various formulae which make departure easy1 our hostess1 as though aware that she had drawn out too long the overture1 said abruptly1 8,eugene1 show ,iris the garden4 ,she has never seen it before40 ,and then1 heartily firing fragments of sentences at us as though in explanation of this move of hers1 she left the room1 indicating that the rest was up to us4 ,puzzled1 we both went onto the terrace and into the yellow afternoon4 ,we walked slowly down the steps towards the rose arbors1 a long series of trellis arches forming a tunnel of green1 bright with new flowers and ending in a cement fountain of ugly tile with a bench beside it1 shaded by elms4 ,we got to facts4 ,by the time we had burrowed through the roses to the bench1 we had exchanged those basic bits of information which usually make the rest fall 7often incorrectly7 into some pattern1 a foundation for those various architectures people together are pleased to build to celebrate friendship or enmity or love or1 on very special occasions1 in the case of a grand affair1 one of those fine palaces with rooms for all three1 and much else besides4 ,iris was from the ,middle ,west1 from a rich suburb of ,detroit4 ,this interested me in many ways1 for there still existed in those days a real disaffection between ,east and ,midwest and ,far ,west which is hard to conceive nowadays in that gray homogeneity which currently passes for a civilized nation4 ,i was an ,easterner1 a ,new ,yorker from the valley with ,southern roots1 and ,i felt instinctively that the outlanders were perhaps not entirely civilized4 ,needless to say1 at the time1 ,i would indignantly have denied this prejudice had someone attributed it to me1 for those were the days of tolerance in which all prejudice had been banished1 from conversation at least 444 though of course to banish prejudice is a contradiction in terms since1 by definition1 prejudice means prejudgment1 and though time and experience usually explode for us all the prejudgments of our first years1 they exist1 nevertheless1 as part of our subconscious1 a sabotaging1 irrational force1 causing us to commit strange crimes indeed1 made so much worse because they are often secret even to ourselves4 ,i was1 then1 prejudiced against the ,midwesterner 444 against the ,californians too4 ,i felt that the former especially was curiously hostile to freedom1 to the interplay of that rational ,western culture which ,i had so lovingly embraced in my boyhood and grown up with1 always conscious of my citizenship in the world1 of my role as a humble but appreciative voice in the long conversation4 ,i resented the automobile manufacturers who thought only of manufacturing objects1 who distrusted ideas1 who feared the fine with the primitive intensity of implacable ignorance4 ,could this cool girl be from ,detroit8 ,from that same rich suburb which had provided me with a number of handsome vital classmates at school8 ,boys who had combined physical vigor with a resistance to all ideas but those of their suburb which could only be described as heroic considering the power of ,new ,england schools to crack even the toughest prejudices1 at least on the rational level4 ,that these boys did not possess a rational level had often occurred to me1 though ,i did1 grudgingly1 admire1 even in my scorn1 their grace and strength as well as their confidence in that assembly line which had provided their parents with large suburban homes and themselves with a classical ,new ,england education which1 unlike the rest of us1 they'd managed to resist 444 the whole main current of ,western civilization eddying helplessly about these youths who stood1 pleasantly firm1 like so many rocks in a desperate channel4 ,iris ,mortimer was one of them4 ,having learned this there was nothing to do but find sufficient names between us to establish the beginnings of the rapport of class which1 even in that late year of the mid-century1 still existed3 the dowdy aristocracy to which we belonged by virtue of financial security1 at least in childhood1 of education1 of self-esteem and of houses where servants had been in some quantity before the second of the wars2 all this we shared and of course those names in common of schoolmates1 some from her region1 others from mine1 names which established us as being of an age4 ,we avoided for some time any comment upon the names1 withholding our true selves during the period of identification4 ,i discovered too that she1 like me1 had remained unmarried1 an exceptional state of affairs1 for all the names we had mentioned represented two people now instead of one4 ,ours had been a reactionary generation which had attempted to combat the time of wars and disasters by a scrupulous observance of its grandparents' customs1 a direct reaction to the linking generation whose lives had been so entertainingly ornamented with self-conscious1 untidy alliances1 well-fortified by suspect gin4 ,the result was no doubt classic but1 at the same time2 it was a little shocking3 their children were decorous1 subdued2 they married early1 conceived glumly1 surrendered to the will of their own children in the interests of enlightened psychology2 their lives enriched by the best gin in the better suburbs1 safe among their own kind4 ,yet1 miraculously1 ,i had escaped and so apparently had ,iris4 ,both1 simultaneously1 were aware of this3 that sort of swift1 unstated communication which briefly makes human relationships seem more potential1 more meaningful than actually they are3 it is the promise perhaps of a perfect harmony never to be achieved in life's estate4 8,you live here alone80 ,she indicated the wrong direction though taking in1 correctly1 the river on whose east bank ,i did live1 a few miles to the north of ,clarissa4 ,i nodded4 8,entirely alone 444 in an old house40 ,she sighed4 8,no family80 8,none here4 ,not much anywhere else4 ,a few in ,new ,orleans1 my family's original base40 ,i waited for her to ask if ,i never got lonely living in a house on the river1 remote from others2 but she saw nothing extraordinary in this4 8,it must be fine10 she said slowly4 ,she broke a leaf off a flowering bush whose branch1 heavy with blooming1 quivered above our heads as we sat on the garden bench and watched the dim flash of goldfish in the muddy waters of the pond4 8,i like it10 ,i said1 a little disappointed that there was now no opportunity for me to construct one of my familiar defenses of a life alone3 ,i had1 in the five years since my days of travel had temporarily ended1 many occasions on which to defend and glorify the solitary life ,i had chosen for myself beside this river4 ,i had an ever-changing repertoire of feints and thrusts3 for instance1 with the hearty1 ,i invariably questioned1 gently of course1 the virtue of a life in the city1 confined to a small apartment with uninhibited babies and breathing daily large quantities of soot2 or then ,i sometimes enjoyed assuming the prince of darkness pose1 alone with his crimes in an ancient house1 a figure which could1 if necessary1 be quickly altered to the more engaging one of remote observer of the ways of men1 a stoic among his books1 sustained by the recorded fragments of forgotten bloody days1 evoking solemnly the pure essences of nobler times a chaste intelligence beyond the combat1 a priest celebrating the cool memory of his race4 ,my theater was extensive and ,i almost regretted that with ,iris there was no need for even a brief curtain raiser1 much less one of my exuberant galas4 ,not accustomed to the neutral response1 ,i stammered something about the pleasures of gardens2 ,iris's calm indifference saved me from what might have been a truly mawkish outburst calculated to interest her at any cost 7mawkish because1 ,i am confident1 that none of our deepest wishes or deeds is1 finally1 when honestly declared1 very wonderful or mysterious3 simplicity not complexity is at the center of our being2 fortunately the trembling 8,i0 is seldom revealed1 even to paid listeners1 for1 conscious of the appalling directness of our needs1 we wisely disguise their nature with a legerdemain of peculiar cunning74 ,much of ,iris's attraction for me 444 and at the beginning that attraction did exist 444 was that one did not need to discuss so many things3 of course the better charades were not called into being which1 creatively speaking1 was a pity2 but then it was a relief not to pretend and1 better still1 a relief not to begin the business of plumbing shallows under the illusion that a treasure chest of truth might be found on the mind's sea floor 444 a grim ritual which was popular in those years1 especially in the suburbs and housing projects where the mental therapists were ubiquitous and busy4 ,with ,iris1 one did not suspend1 even at a cocktail party1 the usual artifices of society4 ,all was understood1 or seemed to be1 which is exactly the same thing4 ,we talked about ourselves as though of absent strangers4 ,then3 8,have you known ,clarissa long80 ,i asked4 ,she shook her head4 8,i met her only last winter40 8,then this is your first visit here8 to the valley80 8,the first10 she smiled1 8but it's a little like home1 you know4 ,i don't mean ,detroit1 but a memory of home1 got from books40 ,i thought so too4 ,then she added that she did not read any longer and ,i was a little relieved2 somehow with ,iris one wanted not to talk about books or the past4 ,so much of her charm was that she was entirely in the present4 ,it was her gift1 perhaps her finest quality1 to invest the moment with a significance which in recollection did not exist except as a blurred impression of excitement4 ,she created this merely by existing4 ,i was never to learn the trick1 for her conversation was not1 in itself1 interesting and her actions were usually calculable in advance1 making all the more unusual her peculiar effect4 ,she asked me politely about my work1 giving me then the useful knowledge that1 though she was interested in what ,i was doing1 she was not much interested in the life of the ,emperor ,julian4 ,i made it short4 8,i want to do a biography of him4 ,i've always liked history and so1 when ,i settled down in the house1 ,i chose ,julian as my work40 8,a life's work80 8,hardly4 ,but another few years4 ,it's the reading which ,i most enjoy1 and that's treacherous4 ,there is so much of interest to read that it seems a waste of time and energy to write anything 444 especially if it's to be only a reflection of reflections40 8,then why do it80 8,something to say1 ,i suppose2 or at least the desire to define and illuminate 444 from one's own point of view1 of course40 8,then why 444 ,julian80 ,something in the way she said the name convinced me she had forgotten who he was if she had ever known4 8,the apostasy2 the last stand of paganism against ,christianity40 ,she looked truly interested1 for the first time4 8,they killed him1 didn't they80 8,no1 he died in battle4 ,had he lived longer he might at least have kept the ,empire divided between the old gods and the new messiah4 ,unfortunately his early death was their death1 the end of the gods40 8,except they returned as saints40 8,yes1 a few found a place in ,christianity1 assuming new names40 8,mother of ,god10 she murmured thoughtfully4 8,an unchristian concept1 one would have thought10 ,i added1 though the beautiful illogic had been explained to me again and again by ,catholics3 how ,god could and could not at the same time possess a mother1 that gleaming queen of heaven1 entirely regnant in those days4 8,i have often thought about these things10 she said1 diffidently4 8,i'm afraid ,i'm not much of a student but it fascinates me4 ,i've been out in ,california for the past few years1 working4 ,i was on a fashion magazine40 ,the note was exactly right3 she knew precisely what that world meant and she was neither apologetic nor pleased4 ,we both resisted the impulse to begin the names again1 threading our way through the maze of fashion1 through that frantic world of the peripheral arts4 8,you kept away from ,vedanta80 ,a group of transplanted ,english writers at this time had taken to oriental mysticism with great eagerness1 an atonement no doubt for their careers as movie writers4 ,swamis and temples abounded among the billboards and orange trees2 but since it was the way for some it was1 for those few at least1 honorable4 8,i came close40 ,she laughed4 8,but there was too much to read and even then ,i always felt that it didn't work for us1 for ,americans1 ,i mean4 ,it's probably quite logical and familiar to ,asiatics1 but we come from a different line1 with a different history2 their responses aren't ours4 ,but ,i did feel it was possible for others1 which is a great deal40 8,because so much is really not possible80 8,exactly4 ,but then ,i know very little about these things40 ,she was direct3 no implication that what she did not know either did not exist or was not worth the knowing1 the traditional response in the fashionable world4 8,are you working now80 ,she shook her head4 8,no1 ,i gave it up4 ,the magazine sent somebody to take my place out there 7,i didn't have the 'personality' they wanted7 and so ,i came on to ,new ,york where ,i've never really been1 except for week ends from school4 ,the magazine had some idea that ,i might work into the ,new ,york office1 but ,i was through4 ,i have worked40 8,and had enough80 8,for that sort of thing1 yes4 ,so ,i've gone out a lot in ,new ,york1 met many people2 thought a little44440 ,she twisted the leaf that she still held in her fingers1 her eyes vague as though focused on the leaf's faint shadow which fell in depth upon her dress1 part upon her dress and more on a tree's branch ending finally in a tiny fragment of shadow on the ground1 like the bottom step of a frail staircase of air4 8,and here you are1 at ,clarissa's40 8,what an extraordinary woman she is60 ,the eyes were turned upon me1 hazel eyes1 very clear1 the whites luminous with youth4 8,she collects people1 but not according to any of the usual criteria4 ,she makes them all fit1 somehow1 but what it is they fit1 what design1 no one knows4 ,i don't know1 that is40 8,i suppose ,i was collected4 ,though it might have been the other way around1 since ,i am sure she interests me more than ,i do her40 8,there is no way of telling40 8,anyway1 ,i'm pleased she asked me here40 ,we talked of ,clarissa with some interest1 getting nowhere4 ,clarissa was truly enigmatic4 ,she had lived for twenty years on the ,hudson4 ,she was not married but it was thought she had been4 ,she entertained with great skill4 ,she was in demand in ,new ,york and also in ,europe where she often traveled4 ,but no one knew anything of her origin or of the source of her wealth and1 oddly enough1 although everyone observed her remarkable ide fixe1 no one ever discussed it1 as though in tactful obedience to some obscure sense of form4 ,in the half-dozen years that ,i had known her not once had ,i discussed with anyone her eccentricity4 ,we accepted in her presence the reality of her mania1 and there it ended4 ,some were more interested by it than others4 ,i was fascinated1 and having suspended both belief and doubt found her richly knowing in matters which interested me4 ,her accounts of various meetings with ,labianus in ,antioch were quite brilliant1 all told most literally1 as though she had no faculty for invention which perhaps1 terrifying thought1 she truly lacked1 in which case 444 but we chose not to speculate4 ,iris spoke of plans4 8,i'm going back to ,california40 8,tired of ,new ,york80 8,no1 hardly4 ,but ,i met someone quite extraordinary out there1 someone ,i think ,i should like to see again40 ,her candor made it perfectly clear that her interest was not romantic4 8,it's rather in line too with what we were talking about4 ,i mean your ,julian and all that4 ,he's a kind of preacher40 8,that doesn't sound promising40 ,a goldfish made a popping sound as it captured a dragonfly on the pond's surface4 8,but he isn't the usual sort of thing at all4 ,he's completely different but ,i'm not sure just how40 8,an evangelist80 ,in those days loud men and women were still able to collect enormous crowds by ranging up and down the country roaring about that salvation which might be found in the bosom of the ,lamb4 8,no1 his own sort of thing entirely4 ,a little like the ,vedanta teachers1 only he's ,american1 and young40 8,what does he teach80 8,i 444 ,i'm not sure4 ,no1 don't laugh4 ,i only met him once4 ,at a friend's house in ,santa ,monica4 ,he talked very little but one had the feeling that1 well1 that it was something unusual40 8,it must have been if you can't recall what he said40 ,i revised my first estimate3 it was romantic after all2 a man who was young1 fascinating 444 ,i was almost jealous as a matter of principle4 8,i'm afraid ,i don't make much sense40 ,she gestured and the leaf fell into its own shadow on the grass4 8,perhaps it was the effect he had on the others that impressed me4 ,they were clever people1 worldly people yet they listened to him like children40 8,what does he do8 does he preach8 work80 8,i don't know that either4 ,i met him the night before ,i left ,california and ,i haven't seen anyone who was there that evening since40 8,but now you think you want to go back to find out80 8,yes4 ,i've thought about him a great deal these last few weeks4 ,you'd think one would forget such a thing1 but ,i haven't40 8,what was his name80 8,cave1 ,i think4 ,john ,cave40 8,a pair of initials calculated to amaze the innocent40 ,yet even while ,i invoked irony1 ,i felt with a certain chill in the heat that this was to be ,clarissa's plot1 and for many days afterwards that name echoed in my memory1 long after ,i had temporarily forgotten ,iris's own name1 had forgotten1 as one does1 the whole day1 the peony in the boxwood1 the leaf's fall and the catch of the goldfish2 instants which now live again in the act of recreation1 details which were to fade into a yellow-green blur of ,june and of the girl beside me in a garden and of that name spoken in my hearing for the first time1 becoming in my imagination like some bare monolith awaiting the sculptor's chisel4 ,,two #a ,i did not see ,iris again for some months4 ,nor1 for that matter1 did ,i see ,clarissa who1 the day after our lunch1 disappeared on one of her mysterious trips 444 this time to ,london1 ,i think1 since she usually got there for the season4 ,clarissa's comings and goings doubtless followed some pattern though ,i could never make much sense of them4 ,i was very disappointed not to see her before she left because ,i had wanted to ask her about ,iris and also 444 99 99 99 99 99 ,it has been a difficult day4 ,shortly after ,i wrote the lines above1 this morning1 ,i heard the sound of an ,american voice on the street-side of the hotel2 the first ,american voice ,i've heard in some years for1 excepting me1 none has been allowed in ,upper ,egypt for twenty years4 ,the division of the world has been quite thorough1 religiously and politically1 and had not some official long ago guessed my identity it is doubtful that ,i should have been granted asylum even in this remote region4 ,i tried to continue with my writing but it was impossible3 ,i could recall nothing4 ,my attention would not focus on the past1 on those wraiths which have lately begun to assume again such startling reality as ,i go about the work of memory 444 but the past was lost to me this morning4 ,the doors shut and ,i was marooned in the meager present4 ,who was this ,american who had come to ,luxor8 and why8 ,for a moment the serenity which ,i have so long practiced failed me and ,i feared for my life4 ,the long-awaited assassins had finally come4 ,but then that animal within who undoes us all with his fierce will to live1 grew quiet1 accepting again the discipline ,i have so long maintained over him1 his obedience due less perhaps to my strong will than to his fatigue1 for he is no longer given to those rages and terrors and exultations which once dominated me as the moon does the tide3 his defeat being my old age's single victory1 and a bitter one4 ,i took the pages that ,i had written and hid them in a wide crack in the marble-topped ,victorian washstand4 ,i then put on a tie and linen jacket and1 cane in hand1 my most bemused and guileless expression upon my face1 ,i left the room and walked down the tall dim corridor to the lobby1 limping perhaps a little more than was necessary1 exaggerating my quiet genuine debility to suggest1 if possible1 an even greater helplessness4 ,if they had come at last to kill me1 ,i thought it best to go to them while ,i still held in check the creature terror4 ,as ,i approached the lobby1 ,i recalled ,cicero's death and took courage from his example4 ,he too had been old and tired1 too exasperated at the last even to flee4 ,my assassin 7if such he is and ,i still do not know7 looks perfectly harmless3 a red-faced ,american in a white suit crumpled from heat and travel4 ,in atrocious ,arabic he was addressing the manager who1 though he speaks no ,english1 is competent in ,french1 is accustomed to speaking ,french to ,occidentals4 ,my compatriot1 however1 was obstinate and smothered with a loud voice the polite ,european cadences of the manager4 ,i moved slowly to the desk1 tapping emphatically with my cane on the tile floor4 ,both turned2 it was the moment which ,i have so long dreaded3 the eyes of an ,american were turned upon me once again4 ,would he know8 ,does he know8 ,i felt all the blood leave my head4 ,with a great effort1 ,i remained on my feet2 steadying my voice which has nowadays a tendency to quaver even when ,i am at ease1 ,i said to the ,american1 in our own language1 the language ,i had not once spoken in nearly twenty years1 8,can ,i be of assistance1 sir80 ,the words sounded strange on my lips and ,i was aware that ,i had given them an ornateness which was quite unlike my usual speech4 ,his look of surprise was1 ,i think1 perfectly genuine4 ,i felt a cowardly relief3 not yet1 not yet4 8,oh60 the ,american stared at me stupidly for a moment 7his face is able to suggest a marvelous range of incomprehension1 as ,i have since discovered74 8,my name is ,richard ,hudson10 ,i said1 pronouncing carefully the name by which ,i am known in ,egypt1 the name with which ,i have lived so long that it sometimes seems as if all my life before was only a dream1 a fantasy of a time which never was except in reveries1 in those curious waking-dreams which ,i often have these days when ,i am tired1 at sundown usually1 when my mind often loses all control over itself and the memory grows confused with imaginings1 and ,i behold worlds and splendors which ,i have never known yet which are vivid enough to haunt me even in the lucid mornings3 ,i am dying1 of course1 and my brain is only letting up1 releasing its images with a royal abandon1 confusing everything like those surrealist works of art which had some vogue in my youth4 8,oh10 said the ,american again and then1 having accepted my reality1 he pushed a fat red hand toward me4 8,the name is ,butler1 ,bill ,butler4 ,glad to meet you4 ,didn't expect to find another white 444 didn't expect to meet up with an ,american in these parts40 ,i shook the hand4 8,let me help you10 ,i said1 letting go the hand quickly4 8,the manager speaks no ,english40 8,i been studying ,arabic10 said ,butler with a certain sullenness4 8,just finished a year's course at ,ottawa ,center for this job4 ,they don't speak it here like we studied it40 8,it takes time10 ,i said soothingly4 8,you'll catch the tone40 8,oh1 ,i'm sure of that4 ,tell them ,i got a reservation40 ,butler mopped his full glistening cheeks with a handkerchief4 8,you have a reservation for ,william ,butler80 ,i asked the manager in ,french4 ,he shook his head1 looking at the register in front of him4 8,is he an ,american80 ,he looked surprised when ,i said that he was4 8,but it didn't sound like ,english40 8,he was trying to speak ,arabic40 ,the manager sighed4 8,would you ask him to show me his passport and authorizations80 ,i communicated this to ,butler who pulled a bulky envelope from his pocket and handed it to the manager4 ,as well as ,i could1 without appearing inquisitive1 ,i looked at the papers4 ,i could tell nothing4 ,the passport was evidently in order4 ,the numerous authorizations from the ,egyptian ,government in the ,pan-,arabic ,league1 however1 seemed to interest the manager intensely4 8,perhaps 4440 ,i began1 but he was already telephoning the police4 ,though ,i speak ,arabic with difficulty1 ,i can understand it easily4 ,the manager was inquiring at length about ,mr4 ,butler and about his status in ,egypt4 ,the police chief evidently knew all about him and the conversation was short4 8,would you ask him to sign the register80 ,the manager's expression was puzzled4 ,i wondered what on earth it was all about4 8,don't know why10 said ,butler1 carving his name into the register with the ancient pen1 8there's all this confusion4 ,i wired for a room last week from ,cairo40 8,communications have not been perfected in the ,arab countries10 ,i said 7fortunately for me1 ,i thought to myself74 ,when he had done registering1 a boy came and took his bags and the key to his room4 8,much obliged to you1 ,mr4 ,hudson40 8,not at all40 8,like to see something of you1 if you don't mind4 ,wonder if you could give me an idea of the lay of the land40 ,i said ,i should be delighted and we made a date to meet for tea in the cool of the late afternoon1 on the terrace4 ,when he had gone1 ,i asked the manager about him but he1 old friend that he was 7he has been manager for twelve years and looks up to me as an elder statesman1 in the hotel at least1 since ,i have lived there longer71 merely shrugged and said1 8,it's too much for me1 sir40 ,and ,i could get no more out of him4 #b ,the terrace was nearly cool when we met at six o'clock1 at the hour when the ,egyptian sun has just lost its unbearable gold1 falling1 a scarlet disc1 into the white stone hills across the dull river which1 at this season1 winds narrowly among the mud-flats1 a third of its usual size1 diminished by heat4 8,don't suppose we could order a drink 444 not that ,i'm much of a drinking man1 you know4 ,get quite a thirst1 though1 on a day like this40 ,i told him that since foreigners had ceased to come here1 the bar had been closed down3 ,moslems for religious reasons did not use alcohol4 8,i know1 ,i know10 he said4 8,studied all about them1 even read the ,koran4 ,frightful stuff1 too40 8,no worse than most documents revealed by heaven10 ,i said gently1 not wanting to get on to that subject4 8,but tell me what brings you to these parts80 8,i was going to ask you the same thing10 said ,butler genially1 taking the cup of mint tea which the servant had brought him4 ,on the river a boat with a red sail tacked slowly in the hot breeze4 8,the manager tells me you've been up here for twenty years40 8,you must have found a language in common40 ,butler chuckled4 8,these devils understand you well enough if they want to4 ,but you44440 8,i was an archaeologist at one time10 ,i said and ,i told him the familiar story which ,i have repeated so many times now that ,i have almost come to believe it4 8,i was from ,boston originally4 ,do you know ,boston8 ,i often think of those cold winters with a certain longing4 ,too much light can be as trying as too little4 ,some twenty years ago1 ,i decided to retire1 to write a book of memoirs40 ,this was a new1 plausible touch1 8,egypt was always my single passion and so ,i came to ,luxor1 to this hotel where ,i've been quite content1 though hardly industrious40 8,how come they let you in8 ,i mean there was all that trouble along around when the ,pan-,arabic ,league shut itself off from civilization40 8,i was very lucky1 ,i suppose4 ,i had many friends in the academic world of ,cairo and they were able to grant me a special dispensation40 8,old hand1 then1 with the natives80 8,but a little out of practice4 ,all my ,egyptian friends have seen fit to die and ,i live now as though ,i were already dead myself40 ,this had the desired effect of chilling him4 ,though he was still young1 hardly fifty1 the immediacy of death1 even when manifested in the person of a chance acquaintance1 did inspire a certain gravity4 ,he mumbled something which ,i did not catch4 ,i think my hearing has begun to go3 not that ,i am deaf but ,i have1 at times1 a monotonous buzzing in my ears which makes conversation difficult1 though not impossible4 ,according to the local doctor my arteries have hardened and at any moment one is apt to burst among the convolutions of the brain1 drowning my life4 ,but ,i do not dwell on this1 at least not in conversation4 8,there's been a big shake-up in the ,atlantic community4 ,don't suppose you'd hear much about it around here since from the newspapers ,i've seen in ,egypt they have a pretty tight censorship40 ,i said ,i knew nothing about recent activities in the ,atlantic community or anywhere else1 other than ,egypt4 8,well they've worked out an alliance with ,pan-,arabia which will open the whole area to us4 ,of course no oil exploitation is allowed but there'll still be a lot of legitimate business between our sphere and these people40 ,i listened to him patiently while he explained the state of the world to me2 it seemed unchanged3 the only difference was that there were now new and unfamiliar names in high places4 ,he finished with a patriotic harangue about the necessity of the civilized to work in harmony together for the good of mankind3 8,and this opening up of ,egypt has given us the chance we've been waiting for for years1 and we mean to take it40 8,you mean to extend trade80 8,no1 ,i mean the ,word40 8,the ,word80 ,i repeated numbly1 the old fear returning4 8,why sure2 ,i'm a ,cavite ,communicator40 ,he rapped perfunctorily on the table twice4 ,i tapped feebly with my cane on the tile3 in the days of the ,spanish persecution such signals were a means of secret communication 7not that the persecution had really been so great but it had been our decision to dramatize it in order that our people might become more conscious of their splendid if temporary isolation and high destiny72 it had not occurred to me that1 triumphant1 the ,cavites should still cling to those bits of fraternal ritual which ,i'd conceived with a certain levity in the early days4 ,but of course the love of ritual1 of symbol is peculiar to our race and ,i reflected bleakly on this as ,i returned the solemn signal which identified us as brother ,cavites4 8,the world must have changed indeed10 ,i said at last4 8,it was a ,moslem law that no foreign missionaries be allowed in the ,arab ,league40 8,pressure60 ,butler looked very pleased4 8,nothing obvious of course2 had to be done though40 8,for economic reasons80 8,no1 for ,cavesword4 ,that's what we're selling because that's the one thing we've got40 ,and he blinked seriously at the remnant of scarlet sun2 his voice had grown husky1 like a man selling some commodity on television in the old days4 ,yet the note of sincerity1 whether simulated or genuine1 was unmistakably resolute4 8,you may have a difficult time10 ,i said1 not wanting to go on with this conversation but unable to direct it short of walking away4 8,the ,moslems are very stubborn in their faith40 ,butler laughed confidently4 8,we'll change all that4 ,it may not be easy at first because we've got to go slow1 feel our way1 but once we know the lay of the land1 you might say1 we'll be able to produce some big backing1 some real backing40 ,his meaning was unmistakable4 ,already ,i could imagine those ,squads of the ,word in action throughout this last terrestrial refuge4 ,long ago they had begun as eager instruction teams2 after the first victories1 however1 they had become adept at demoralization1 at brain-washing and auto-hypnosis1 using all the psychological weapons which our race in its ingenuity had fashioned in the mid-century1 becoming so perfect with the passage of time that imprisonment or execution for unorthodoxy was no longer necessary3 even the most recalcitrant1 the most virtuous man1 could be reduced to a sincere and useful orthodoxy1 no different in quality from his former antagonists1 his moment of rebellion forgotten1 his reason anchored securely at last in the general truth4 ,i was also quite confident that their methods had improved even since my enlightened time4 8,i hope you'll be able to save these poor people10 ,i said1 detesting myself for this hypocrisy4 8,not a doubt in the world10 he clapped his hands4 8,they don't know what happiness we'll bring them40 ,difficult as it was to accept such hyperbole1 ,i believed in his sincerity3 he is one of those zealots without whose offices no large work in the world can be successfully propagated4 ,i did not feel more than a passing pity for the ,moslems3 they were doomed but their fate would not unduly distress them for my companion was perfectly right when he spoke of the happiness which would be theirs3 a blithe mindlessness which would in no way affect their usefulness as citizens4 ,we had long since determined that for the mass this was the only humane way of ridding them of superstition in the interest of ,cavesword and the better life4 8,it's strange1 though1 that they should let you in10 ,i said1 quite aware that he might be my assassin after all1 permitted by the ,egyptian government to destroy me and1 with me1 the last true memory of the mission4 ,i had not completely got over my first impression that ,butler was an accomplished actor1 sounding me out before the final victory of the ,cavites1 the necessary death and total obliteration of the person and the memory of ,eugene ,luther1 now grown old with a false name in a burning land4 ,if he was an actor1 he was a master4 ,he thumped on interminably about ,america1 ,john ,cave and the necessity of spreading his word throughout the world4 ,i listened patiently as the sun went abruptly behind the hills and all the stars appeared in the moonless waste of sky4 ,fires appeared in the hovels on the far shore of the ,nile1 yellow points of light like fireflies hovering by that other river which ,i shall never see again4 8,must be nearly suppertime40 8,not quite10 ,i said1 relieved that ,butler's face was now invisible4 ,i was not used to great red faces after my years in ,luxor among the lean1 the delicate and the dark4 ,now only his voice was a dissonance in the evening4 8,hope the food's edible40 8,it isn't bad1 though it may take some getting used to40 8,well1 ,i've a strong stomach4 ,guess that's why they chose me for this job40 ,this job8 could it mean4448 but ,i refused to let myself be panicked4 ,i have lived too long with terror to be much moved now2 especially since my life of its own generation has brought me to dissolution's edge4 8,are there many of you80 ,i asked politely4 ,the day was ending and ,i was growing weary1 all senses blunted and some confused4 8,many ,communicators80 8,quite a few10 said ,butler4 8,they've been training us for the last year in ,canada for the big job of opening up ,pan-,arabia4 ,of course we've known for years that it was just a matter of time before the government got us in here40 8,then you've been thoroughly grounded in the ,arab culture8 and disposition80 8,oh1 sure4 ,may have to come to you every now and then1 though1 if you don't mind40 ,he chuckled to show that his patronage would be genial4 8,i should be honored to assist40 8,we anticipate trouble at first4 ,we have to go slow4 ,pretend we're just available for instruction while we get to know the local big shots4 ,then1 when the time comes44440 ,he left the ominous sentence unfinished4 ,i could imagine the rest1 however4 ,fortunately1 nature by then1 with or without ,mr4 ,butler's assistance1 would have removed me as a witness4 ,inside the hotel the noise of plates being moved provided a familiar reference4 ,i was conscious of being hungry3 as the body's mechanism jolts to a halt1 it wants more fuel than it ever did at its optimum4 ,i wanted to go in but before ,i could gracefully extricate myself ,butler asked me a question4 8,you the only ,american in these parts80 ,i said that ,i was4 8,funny nothing was said about there being any ,american up here4 ,i guess they didn't know you were here40 8,perhaps they were counting me among the ,american colony at ,cairo10 ,i said smoothly4 8,i suppose1 officially1 ,i am a resident of that city4 ,i was on the ,advisory ,board of the ,museum40 ,this was not remotely true but since1 to my knowledge1 there is no ,advisory ,board it would be difficult for anyone to establish my absence from it4 8,that must be it40 ,butler seemed easily satisfied1 perhaps too easily4 8,certainly makes things a lot easier for us1 having somebody like you up here1 another ,cavite1 who knows the lingo40 8,i'll help in any way ,i can2 though ,i'm afraid ,i have passed the age of usefulness4 ,like the ,british king1 ,i can only advise40 8,well1 that's enough4 ,i'm the active one anyway4 ,my partner takes care of the other things40 8,partner8 ,i thought you were alone40 8,no4 ,i'm to get my heels in first2 then my colleague comes on in a few weeks4 ,that's standard procedure4 ,he's a psychologist and an authority on ,cavesword4 ,we all are1 of course--authorities1 that is--but he's gone into the early history and so on a little more thoroughly than us field men usually do40 ,so there was to be another one1 a cleverer one4 ,i found myself both dreading and looking forward to the arrival of this dangerous person3 it would be interesting to communicate with a good mind again1 or at least an instructed one3 though ,butler has not given me much confidence in the new ,cavite ,communicators4 ,nevertheless1 ,i am intensely curious about the ,western world since my flight from it4 ,i have been effectively cut off from any real communion with the ,west for two decades4 ,rumors1 stray bits of information sometimes penetrate as far as ,luxor but ,i can make little sense of them1 for the ,cavites are1 as ,i well know1 not given to candor while the ,egyptian newspapers exist in a fantasy world of ,pan-,arabic dominion4 ,there was so much ,i wished to know that ,i hesitated to ask ,butler1 not for fear of giving myself away but because ,i felt that any serious conversation with him would be pointless3 ,i rather doubted if he knew what he was supposed to know1 much less all the details which ,i wished to know and which even a moderately intelligent man1 if not hopelessly zealous1 might be able to supply me with4 ,i had a sudden idea4 8,you don't happen to have a recent edition of the ,testament1 do you8 ,mine's quite old and out of date40 8,what date80 ,this was unexpected4 8,the year8 ,i don't recall4 ,about thirty years old1 ,i should say40 ,there was a silence4 8,of course yours is a special case1 being marooned like this4 ,there's a ruling about it which ,i think will protect you fully since you've had no contact with the outside2 anyway1 as a ,communicator1 ,i must ask you for your old copy40 8,why certainly but 4440 8,i'll give you a new one1 of course4 ,you see it is against the law to have any ,testament which predates the second ,cavite ,council40 ,i was beginning to understand3 after the schism a second ,council had been inevitable even though no reference to it has ever appeared in the ,egyptian press4 8,the censorship here is thorough10 ,i said4 8,i had no idea there had been a new ,council40 8,what a bunch of savages60 ,butler groaned with disgust4 8,that's going to be one of our main jobs1 you know1 education1 freeing the press4 ,there has been almost no communication between the two spheres of influence44440 8,spheres of influence40 ,how easily the phrase came to his lips6 ,all the jargon of the journalists of fifty years ago has1 ,i gather1 gone into the language1 providing the inarticulate with a number of made-up phrases calculated to blur even their none too clear meanings4 ,i assume of course that ,butler is as inarticulate as he seems1 that he is typical of the first post-,cavite generation4 8,you must give me a clear picture of what has been happening in ,america since my retirement40 ,but ,i rose to prevent him from giving me1 at that moment at least1 any further observations on 8spheres of influence40 ,i stood for a moment1 resting on my cane3 ,i had stood up too quickly and as usual suffered a spell of dizziness2 ,i was also ravenously hungry4 ,butler stamped out a cigarette on the tile4 8,be glad to tell you anything you want to know4 ,that's my business40 ,he laughed shortly4 8,well1 time for chow4 ,i've got some anti-bacteria tablets they gave us before we came out1 supposed to keep the food from poisoning us40 8,i'm sure you won't need them here40 ,he kept pace with my slow shuffle4 8,well1 it increases eating pleasure1 too40 ,inadvertently1 ,i shuddered as ,i recognized yet another glib phrase from the past2 it had seemed such a good idea to exploit the vulgar language of the advertisers4 ,i suffered a brief spasm of guilt4 #c ,we dined together in the airy salon which was nearly empty at this season except for a handful of government officials and businessmen who eyed us without much interest even though ,americans are not a common sight in ,egypt4 ,they were of course used to me although1 as a rule1 ,i keep out of sight1 taking my meals in my own room and frequenting those walks along the river bank which avoid altogether the town of ,luxor4 ,i found1 after ,i had dined1 that physically ,i was somewhat restored1 better able to cope with ,butler4 ,in fact1 inadvertently1 ,i actually found myself1 in the madness of my great age1 enjoying his company1 a sure proof of loneliness if not of senility4 ,he too1 after taking pills calculated to fill him 8chock full of vim and vigor0 7that is indeed the phrase he used71 relaxed considerably and spoke of his life in the ,united ,states4 ,he had no talent for evoking what he would doubtlessly call 8the large picture0 but in a casual1 disordered way he was able to give me a number of details about his own life and work which did suggest the proportions of the world from which he had so recently come and which ,i had1 in my folly1 helped create4 ,on religious matters he was unimaginative and doctrinaire1 concerned with the letter of the commands and revelations rather than with the spirit such as it was1 or is4 ,i could not resist the dangerous maneuver of asking him1 at the correct moment of course 7we were speaking of the time of the schisms71 what had become of ,eugene ,luther4 8,who80 ,the coffee cup trembled in my hand4 ,i set it carefully on the table4 ,i wondered if his hearing was sound4 ,i repeated my own name1 long lost to me1 but mine still in the secret dimness of memory4 8,i don't place the name4 ,was he a friend of the ,liberator80 8,why1 yes4 ,i even used to know him slightly but that was many years ago1 before your time4 ,i'm curious to know what might have become of him4 ,i suppose he's dead40 8,i'm sorry but ,i don't place the name40 ,he looked at me with some interest4 8,i guess you must be almost old enough to have seen him40 ,i nodded1 lowering my lids with a studied reverence1 as though dazzled at the recollection of great light4 8,i saw him several times40 8,boy1 ,i envy you6 ,there aren't many left who have seen him with their own eyes4 ,what was he like80 8,just like his photographs10 ,i said1 shifting the line of inquiry3 there is always the danger that a trap is being prepared for me4 ,i was noncommittal1 preferring to hear ,butler talk of himself4 ,fortunately1 he preferred this too and for nearly an hour ,i learned as much as ,i shall ever need to know about the life of at least one ,communicator of ,cavesword4 ,while he talked1 ,i watched him furtively for some sign of intention but there was none that ,i could detect2 yet ,i was suspicious4 ,he had not known my name and ,i could not understand what obscure motive might cause him to pretend ignorance unless of course he does know who ,i am and wishes to confuse me1 preparatory to some trap4 ,i excused myself soon afterwards and went to my room1 after first accepting a copy of the newest ,testament handsomely bound in ,plasticon 7it looks like leather7 and promising to give him my old proscribed copy the next day4 ,the first thing that ,i did1 after locking the door to my room1 was to take the book over to my desk and open it to the index4 ,my eye traveled down that column of familiar names until it came to the ,l's4 ,at first ,i thought that my eyes were playing a trick upon me4 ,i held the page close to the light1 wondering if ,i might not have begun to suffer delusions1 the not unfamiliar concomitant of solitude and old age4 ,but my eyes were adequate and the hallucination1 if real1 was vastly convincing3 my name was no longer there4 ,eugene ,luther no longer existed in that ,testament which was largely his own composition4 ,i let the book shut of itself1 as new books will4 ,i sat down at the desk1 understanding at last the extraordinary ignorance of ,butler3 ,i had been obliterated from history2 my place in time erased4 ,it was as if ,i had never lived4 ,,three #a ,i have had in the last few days some difficulty in avoiding the company of ,mr4 ,butler4 ,fortunately1 he is now very much involved with the local functionaries and ,i am again able to return to my narrative4 ,i don't think ,butler has been sent here to assassinate me but1 on the other hand1 from certain things he has said and not said1 ,i am by no means secure in his ignorance2 however1 one must go on4 ,at best1 it will be a race between him and those hardened arteries which span the lobes of my brain4 ,my only curiosity concerns the arrival next week of his colleague who is1 ,i gather1 of the second generation and of a somewhat bookish turn according to ,butler who would not1 ,i fear1 be much of a judge4 ,certain things1 though1 which ,i have learned during the last few days about ,iris ,mortimer make me more than ever wish to recall our common years as precisely as possible for what ,i feared might happen has indeed1 if ,butler is to be believed1 come to pass1 and it is now with a full burden of hindsight that ,i revisit the scenes of a half century ago4 #b ,i had got almost nowhere with my life of ,julian4 ,i had become discouraged with his personality though his actual writings continued to delight me4 ,as it so often happens in history ,i had found it difficult really to get at him3 the human attractive part of ,julian was undone for me by those bleak errors in deed and in judgment which depressed me even though they derived most logically from the man and his time3 that fatal wedding which finally walls off figures of earlier ages from the present1 keeping them strange despite the most intense and imaginative recreation4 ,they are not we4 ,we are not they4 ,and ,i refused to resort to the low trick of fashioning ,julian in my own image of him4 ,i respected his integrity in time and deplored the division of centuries4 ,my work at last came to a halt and1 somewhat relieved1 ,i closed my house in the autumn of the year and traveled west to ,california4 ,i had a small income which made modest living and careful travel easy for me 444 a fortunate state of affairs since1 in my youth1 ,i was of an intense disposition1 capable of the passions and violence of a ,rimbaud without1 fortunately1 the will to translate them into reality2 had ,i had more money1 or none1 ,i might have died young1 leaving behind the brief memory of a minor romanticist4 ,as it was1 ,i had a different role to play in the comedy2 one for which ,i was1 after some years of reading beside my natal river1 peculiarly fitted to play4 ,i journeyed to southern ,california where ,i had not been since my service in one of the wars4 ,i had never really explored that exotic land and ,i was curious about it1 more curious than ,i have ever been before or since about any single part of the world4 ,egypt one knows without visiting it1 and ,china the same2 but that one area of sandy beaches and orange groves which circles the city of ,los ,angeles1 an artificial place created from desert and sure to lapse back again into dust the moment some national disaster breaks its line of life and the waters no longer flow1 has always fascinated me4 ,i was of course interested in the movies1 though they no longer had the same hold over the public imagination that they had had in earlier decades when a process of film before light could project1 larger than life1 not only on vast screens but also upon the impressionable minds of an enormous audience made homogeneous by a common passion1 shadowy figures which1 like the filmy envelopes of the stoic deities1 floated to earth in public dreams1 suggesting a braver more perfect world where love reigned and only the wicked died4 ,but then time passed and the new deities lost their worshipers3 there were too many gods and the devotees got too used to them1 realizing finally that they were only mortals1 involved not in magical rites but in a sordid business4 ,television 7the home altar7 succeeded the movies and their once populous and ornate temples1 modeled tastefully on baroque and ,byzantine themes1 fell empty1 the old gods moving to join the new hierarchies1 becoming the domesticated godlings of television which1 although it held the attention of the majority of the population1 did not enrapture1 did not possess dreams or shape days with longing and with secret imaginings the way the classic figures of an earlier time had4 ,though ,i was of an age to recall the gallant days of the movies1 the nearly mythical power which they had held for millions of people1 not all simple1 ,i was not really interested in that aspect of ,california4 ,i was more intrigued by the manners1 by the cults1 by the works of this coastal people so unlike the older world of the ,east and so antipathetic to our race's first home in ,europe4 ,needless to say1 ,i found them much like everyone else1 except for minor differences of no real consequence4 ,i stayed at a large hotel not too happily balanced in design between the marble-and-potted-palm dcor of the ,continental ,hotel in ,paris and the chrome and glass of an observation car on a newer train4 ,i unpacked1 telephoned friends most of whom were not home4 ,the one whom at last ,i found in was the one ,i knew the least1 a minor film writer who had married money with great success and had1 most altruistically1 given up the composition of films for which the remaining movie-goers were no doubt thankful4 ,he devoted his time to assisting his wife in becoming the first hostess of ,beverly ,hills4 ,she had1 ,i recalled from one earlier meeting1 the mind of a child of twelve1 but an extremely active child and a good one4 ,hastings1 such was the writer's name 7her name was either ,ethel or ,valerie1 two names which ,i always confuse due to a particularly revolutionary course ,i once took in mnemonics71 invited me immediately to a party4 ,i went4 ,it seemed like spring though it was autumn1 and it seemed like an assortment of guests brought together in a ship's dining room to celebrate ,new ,year's ,eve though1 in fact1 the gathering was largely made up of close acquaintances4 ,since ,i knew almost no one1 ,i had a splendid time4 ,my hostess1 beyond a brilliant greeting1 a gold figure all in green with gold dust in her hair1 left me alone4 ,hastings was more solicitous1 a nervous gray man with a speech impediment which took the form of a rather charming sign before any word which began with an aspirate4 8,we1 ah1 have a better place coming up4 ,farther up the mountains with a marvelous view of the1 ah1 whole city4 ,you will love it1 ,gene4 ,ah1 haven't signed a lease yet1 but soon40 ,while we talked he steered me through the crowds of handsome and bizarre people 7none of them was from ,california ,i discovered3 most were ,central ,europeans or ,british2 those who were not pretended to be one or the other2 some sounded like both74 ,i was introduced to magnificent girls exactly like their movie selves but since they all tended to look a great deal alike1 the effect was somehow spoiled4 ,but ,i was a tourist and not critical4 ,i told a striking blonde that she would indeed be excellent in a musical extravaganza based upon ,the ,sea ,gull4 ,she thought so too and my host and ,i moved on to the patio4 ,beside a jade-green pool illuminated from beneath 7and a little dirty1 ,i noticed1 with leaves floating upon the water3 the dcor was becoming tarnished1 the sets had been used too long and needed striking4 ,hollywood was becoming old without distinction71 a few of the quieter guests sat in white iron chairs while paper lanterns glowed prettily on the palms and everywhere1 untidily1 grew roses1 jasmine and lilac3 it was a fantastic garden1 all out of season and out of place4 ,the guests beside the pool were much the same2 except for one3 ,clarissa4 8,you know each other80 ,hastings' voice1 faintly pleased1 was drowned by our greetings and ,i was pulled into a chair by ,clarissa who had elected to dress herself like an odalisque which made her look1 consequently1 more indigenous than any of the other guests2 this was perhaps her genius3 her marvelous adaptiveness4 8,we'll be quite happy here10 said ,clarissa1 waving our host away4 8,go and abuse your other guests40 ,hastings trotted off2 those who had been talking to ,clarissa talked to themselves and beneath a flickering lantern the lights of ,los ,angeles1 revealed in a wedge between two hills1 added the proper note of lunacy1 for at the angle from which ,i viewed those lights they seemed to form a monster ,christmas tree1 poised crazily in the darkness4 ,clarissa and ,i exchanged notes on the months that had intervened since our luncheon4 8,and you gave up ,julian1 too80 8,yes 444 but why 'too'80 ,i was irritated by the implication that ,i gave up all things before they were properly done4 8,i feel you don't finish things1 ,eugene4 ,not that you should2 but ,i do worry about you40 8,it's good of you10 ,i said1 discovering that at a certain angle the ,christmas tree could be made to resemble a rocket's flare arrested in space4 8,now don't take that tone with me4 ,i have your interest at heart40 ,she expressed herself with every sign of sincerity in that curious flat language which she spoke so fluently yet which struck upon the ear untruly1 as though it were1 in its homeliness1 the highest artifice4 8,but ,i've taken care of everything1 you know4 ,wait and see4 ,if you hadn't come out here on your own ,i should have sent for you44440 8,and ,i would have come80 8,naturally40 ,she smiled4 8,but for what80 8,for 444 she's here4 ,in ,los ,angeles40 8,you mean that girl who came to lunch80 ,i disguised my interest1 but ,clarissa1 ignoring me1 went on talking as energetically and as obliquely as ever4 8,she's asked for you several times1 which is a good sign4 ,i told her ,i suspected you'd be along but that one never could tell1 especially if you were still tied up with ,julian1 unlikely as that prospect was40 8,but ,i do finish some things40 8,i'm sure you do4 ,in any case1 the girl has been here over a month and you must see her as soon as possible40 8,i'd like to40 8,of course you would4 ,i still have my plot1 you know4 ,oh1 you may think ,i forget things but ,i don't3 my mind is a perfect filing system40 8,could you tell me just what you are talking about80 ,she chuckled and wagged a finger at me4 8,soon you'll know4 ,i know ,i meddle a good deal1 more than ,i should1 but after all this time it would be simply impossible for me not to interfere4 ,i see it coming1 one of those really exciting moments and ,i want just to give it a tickle here1 a push there to set it rolling4 ,oh1 what fun it will be60 ,hastings crept back among us1 diffidently pushing a star and a producer in our direction4 8,i think you all ought to know each other1 ,clarissa 444 and1 ah1 ,gene too4 ,this is ,miss 444 and ,mr 444 and here in ,hollywood 444 when you get to ,new ,york 444 house on the river1 wonderful1 old 444 new film to cost five million 444 runner-up for the ,academy ,award40 ,he did it all very well1 ,i thought4 ,smiles gleamed in the patio's half-light4 ,the star's paste jewels1 borrowed from her studio1 glimmered like an airliner's lighted windows4 ,i moved toward the house1 but ,clarissa's high voice restrained me at the door3 8,you'll call ,iris tomorrow1 won't you80 and she shouted an exchange and a number4 ,i waved to show that ,i'd heard her then1 vowing ,i would never telephone ,iris1 ,i rejoined the party and watched with fascination as the various performers performed in the living room to the accompaniment of a grand piano just barely out of tune4 #c ,i waited several days before ,i telephoned ,iris4 ,days of considerable activity1 of visiting friends and acquaintances1 of attending parties where the guests were precisely the same as the ones ,i had met at ,hastings' house3 every one of them bent upon combating boredom with boredom1 creating a desert in a dry land4 ,but ,i was capable of evoking mirages which decorated for me their desert1 made unusual 7for myself at least7 what1 with familiarity1 might become impossible4 ,i met ,iris at the house where she was staying near the main beach of ,santa ,monica3 a fairly decorous ,spanish house1 quiet among palms and close to the sea4 ,the day was vivid2 the sea made noise2 the wind was gentle1 smelling of salt and far countries4 ,i parked my rented car and walked around to the sea side of the house4 ,iris came forward to meet me1 smiling1 hand outstretched1 her face which ,i had remembered as being remarkably pale was flushed with sunlight4 8,i hoped you'd come10 she said1 and she slipped her arm in mine as though we'd been old friends and led me to a deck chair adjoining the one where she'd been seated1 reading4 ,we sat down4 8,friends let me have this place4 ,they went to ,mexico for two months and lent me the house40 8,useful friends40 8,aren't they8 ,i've already put down roots here in the sand and ,i'll hate to give it back40 8,don't40 8,ah1 wouldn't it be wonderful40 ,she smiled vaguely and looked beyond me at the flash of sea in the flat distance4 ,an automobile horn sounded through the palms2 a mother called her child3 we were a part of the world1 even here4 8,clarissa told me you've been out several months40 ,iris nodded4 8,i came back4 ,i think ,i told you ,i was going to40 8,to see the man80 8,would you like something to drink80 ,she changed the subject with a disconcerting shift of her gaze from the ocean to me1 her eyes still dazzled with the brilliance of light on water4 ,i looked away and shook my head4 8,too early in the day4 ,but ,i want to take you to dinner tonight1 if ,i may4 ,somewhere along the coast40 8,i'd like it very much40 8,do you know of a place80 ,she suggested several4 ,then we went inside and she showed me a room where ,i might change into my bathing suit2 we were to swim4 ,we walked through the trees to the main road on the other side of which the beach glowed white in the sun4 ,it was deserted at this point although1 in the distance1 other bathers could be seen1 tiny figures black against the startling white1 moving about like insects on a white cloth4 ,for a time we swam contentedly1 not speaking1 not thinking1 our various urgencies 7or their lack7 no longer imposed upon the moment4 ,at such times1 in those days1 ,i was able through the body's strenuous use to reduce the miserable demands of the yearning self to a complacent harmony1 with all things in proper proportion3 a part of the whole and not the whole itself1 though1 metaphorically speaking1 perhaps that which conceives reality is reality itself4 ,but such nice divisions and distinctions were of no concern to me that afternoon in the sun1 swimming with ,iris1 the mechanism which spoils time with questioning switched off by the body's euphoria4 ,and yet1 for all this1 no closer to one another1 no wiser about one another in any precise sense1 we drove that evening in silence to a restaurant of her choosing on the beach to the north3 a ramshackle place filled with candlelight1 the smell of tar1 old nets3 8atmosphere0 which was nearly authentic4 ,after wine and fish and coffee1 we talked4 8,clarissa is bringing us together40 ,i nodded1 accepting the plain statement as a fact4 8,the matchmaking instinct is1 ,i suppose44440 8,not that at all40 ,her face was in a half-light and looked as it had when we first met3 pale1 withdrawn1 all the day's color drained out of it4 ,above the sea1 ,orion's belt dipped in the deep sky4 ,the evening star all silver set4 ,we were early and had this place to ourselves4 8,then what8 ,clarissa's motives are always clear1 at least to herself4 ,she never does anything that doesn't contribute to some private design 444 though what she's up to half the time ,i don't dare guess40 ,iris smiled4 8,nor ,i4 ,but she is at least up to something which concerns us both and ,i'm not sure that she may not be right1 about the two of us1 ,i mean 444 though of course it's too soon to say40 ,i was conventional enough at first to assume that ,iris was speaking of ourselves1 most boldly1 in terms of some emotional attachment and ,i wondered nervously how ,i might indicate without embarrassment to her that ,i was effectively withdrawn from all sexuality and that1 while my emotions were in no way impaired1 ,i had been forced to accept a physical limitation to any act of affection which ,i might direct at another2 consequently1 ,i avoided as well as ,i could those situations which might betray me1 and distress another4 ,though ,i have never been unduly grieved by this incompletion1 ,i had come to realize only too well from several disquieting episodes in my youth that this flaw in me possessed the unanticipated power of shattering others who1 unwarily1 had moved to join with me in the traditional duet only to find an implacable surface where they had anticipated a creature of flesh like themselves1 as eager as they1 as governed by the blood's solemn tide3 ,i had caused pain against my will and ,i did not want ,iris hurt4 ,fortunately1 ,iris had begun to move into a different1 an unexpected conjunction with me1 one which had in it nothing of the familiar or even of the human3 it was in that hour beneath ,orion's glitter that we were1 without warning1 together volatilized onto that archetypal plane where we were to play with such ferocity at being gods1 a flawed ,mercury and a dark queen of heaven1 met at the sea's edge1 disguised as human beings but conscious of one another's true identity for though our speeches1 our arias were all prose1 beneath the usual talk recognition had occurred1 sounding with the deep resonance of a major chord struck among dissonances4 ,we crossed the first division easily4 ,she was1 in her way1 as removed as ,i from the flesh's wild need to repeat itself in pleasure4 ,there was no need for us ever to discuss my first apprehension4 ,we were able to forget ourselves1 to ignore the mortal carriage4 ,the ritual began simply enough4 8,clarissa knows what is happening here4 ,that's why she has come ,west1 though she can't bear ,california4 ,she wants to be in on it the way she's in on everything else1 or thinks she is40 8,you mean ,john ,cave1 your magus80 ,it was the first time ,i had ever said that name3 the sword was between us now1 both edges sharp4 8,you guessed8 or did she tell you that was why ,i came back80 8,i assumed it4 ,i remembered what you said to me last spring40 8,he is more than 444 magus1 ,eugene40 ,and this was the first time she had said my name3 closer1 closer4 ,i waited4 8,you will see him40 ,i could not tell if this was intended as a question or a prophecy4 ,i nodded4 ,she continued to talk1 her eyes on mine1 intense and shining4 ,over her shoulder the night was black and all the stars flared twice1 once in the sky and again upon the whispering smooth ocean at our feet1 one real and one illusion3 both light4 8,it is really happening10 she said and then1 deliberately1 she lightened her voice4 8,you'll see when you meet him4 ,i know of course that there have been thousands of these prophets1 these saviors in every country and in every time4 ,i also know that this part of ,america is particularly known for religious maniacs4 ,i started with every prejudice1 just like you40 8,not prejudice 444 skepticism3 perhaps indifference4 ,even if he should be an effective one1 one of the chosen gods and wonder-workers1 should ,i care8 ,i must warn you1 ,iris1 that ,i'm not a believer4 ,and though ,i'm sure that the revelations of other men must be a source of infinite satisfaction to them1 individually1 ,i shouldn't for one second be so presumptuous as to make a choice among the many thousands of recorded revelations of truth1 accepting one at the expense of all the others3 ,i might so easily choose wrong and get into eternal trouble4 ,and you must admit that the selection is wide1 and dangerous to the amateur40 8,you're making fun of me10 said ,iris1 but she seemed to realize that ,i was approaching the object in my own way4 8,he's not like that at all40 8,but obviously if he is to be useful he must be accepted and he can't be accepted without extending his revelation or whatever he calls it and ,i fail to see how he can communicate1 short of hypnotism or drugs1 the sense of his vision to someone like myself who1 in a sloppy but devoted way1 has wandered through history and religion1 acquiring with a collector's delight the more colorful and obscure manifestations of divine guidance1 revealed to us through the inspired systems of philosophers and divines1 not to mention such certified prophets as the custodians of the ,sibylline books4 ',illo die hostem ,romanorum esse periturum' was the instruction given poor ,maxentius when he marched against ,constantine3 needless to say he perished and consequently fulfilled the prophecy by himself becoming the enemy of ,rome1 to his surprise ,i suspect4 ,my point1 though1 in honoring you with the only complete ,latin sentence which ,i can ever recall is that at no time can we escape the relativity of our judgments4 ,truth for us1 whether inspired by messianic frenzy or merely illuminated by reason1 is1 after all1 inconstant and subject to change with the hour4 ,you believe now whatever it is this man says4 ,splendid4 ,but will the belief be true to you at another hour of your life8 ,i wonder4 ,for even if you wish to remain consistent and choose to ignore inconvenient evidence in the style of the truly devoted1 the truly pious1 will not your prophet himself have changed with time's passage8 for no human being can remain the same1 despite the repetition of44440 8,enough1 enough60 she laughed aloud and put her hand between us as though to stop the words in air4 8,you're talking such nonsense40 8,perhaps4 ,it's not at all easy to say what one thinks when it comes to these problems or1 for that matter1 to any problem which demands articulation4 ,sometimes one is undone by the flow of words assuming its own direction1 carrying one1 protesting1 away from the anticipated shore to terra incognita4 ,other times1 at the climax of a particularly telling analogy1 one is aware that in the success of words the meaning has got lost4 ,put it this way1 finally1 accurately3 ,i accept no man's authority in that realm where we are all equally ignorant4 ,the beginning and the end of creation are not our concern4 ,the eventual disposition of the human personality which we treasure in our conceit as being among the more poignant ornaments of an envious universe is unknown to us and shall so remain until we learn the trick of raising the dead4 ,god1 or what have you1 will not be found at the far end of a syllogism1 no matter how brilliantly phrased and conceived4 ,we are prisoners in our flesh1 dullards in divinity as the ,greeks would say4 ,no man can alter this though of course human beings can be made to believe anything4 ,you can teach that fire is cold and ice is hot but nothing changes except the words4 ,so what can your magus do8 ,what can he celebrate except that which is visible and apparent to all eyes8 ,what can he offer me that ,i should accept his authority1 and its source80 ,she sighed1 8,i'm not sure he wants anything for himself2 acceptance1 authority 444 one doesn't think of such things1 at least not now4 ,as for his speaking with the voice of some new or old deity1 he denies the reality of any power other than the human44440 8,a strange sort of messiah40 8,i've been trying to tell you this40 ,she smiled4 8,he sounds at times not unlike you just now 444 not so glib perhaps40 8,now you mock me40 8,no more than you deserve for assuming facts without evidence40 8,if he throws over all the mystical baggage what is left8 an ethical system80 8,in time1 ,i suppose1 that will come4 ,so far there is no system4 ,you'll see for yourself soon enough40 8,you've yet to answer any direct question ,i have put to you40 ,she laughed4 8,perhaps there is a significance in that2 perhaps you ask the wrong questions44440 8,and perhaps you have no answers40 8,wait40 8,for how long80 ,she looked at her watch by the candles' uncertain light4 8,for an hour40 8,you mean we're to see him tonight80 8,unless you'd rather not40 8,oh1 ,i want to see him1 very much40 8,he'll want to see you too1 ,i think40 ,she looked at me thoughtfully but ,i could not guess her intention2 it was enough that two lines had crossed1 both moving inexorably toward a third1 toward a temporary terminus at the progression's heart4 #d ,it is difficult now to recall just what ,i expected4 ,iris deliberately chose not to give me any clear idea of either the man or of his teachings or even of the meeting which we were to attend2 we talked of other things as we drove in the starlight north along the ocean road1 the sound of waves striking sand loud in our ears4 ,it was nearly an hour's drive from the restaurant to the place where the meeting was to be held4 ,iris directed me accurately and we soon turned from the main highway into a neon-lighted street2 then off into a suburban area of comfortable-looking middle-class houses with gardens4 ,trees lined the streets2 dogs barked2 yellow light gleamed at downstairs windows4 ,silent families were gathered in after-dinner solemnity before television sets1 absorbed by the spectacle of figures singing1 dancing and telling jokes4 ,as we drove down the empty streets1 ,i saw ruins and dust where houses were and1 among the powdery debris of stucco all in mounds1 the rusted antennae of television sets like the bones of awful beasts whose vague but terrible proportions will alone survive to attract the unborn stranger's eye4 ,but the loathing of one's own time is a sign of innocence1 of faith4 ,i have come since to realize the wholeness of man in time4 ,that year1 perhaps that ride down a deserted evening street of a ,california suburb1 was my last conscious moment of particular disgust3 television1 the ,blues and the ,greens1 the perfidy of ,carthage1 the efficacy of rites to the moon 444 all were at last the same4 8,that house over there1 with the light in front1 with the clock40 ,the house1 to my surprise1 was a large neo-,georgian funeral parlor with a lighted clock in front crowned by a legend discreetly fashioned in ,gothic gold on black3 ,whittaker and ,dormer1 ,funeral ,directors4 ,a dozen cars had been parked closely together in the street and ,i was forced to park nearly a block away4 ,we walked along the sidewalk1 street lamps behind trees cast shadows thick and intricate upon the pavement4 8,is there any particular significance80 ,i asked4 8,i mean in the choice of meeting place80 ,she shook her head4 8,not really1 no4 ,we meet wherever it's convenient4 ,mr ,dormer is one of us and has kindly offered his chapel for the meetings40 8,is there any sort of ritual ,i should observe80 ,she laughed4 8,of course not4 ,this isn't at all what you think40 8,i think nothing40 8,then you are prepared4 ,i should tell you1 though1 that until this year when a number of patrons made it possible for him0 7already ,i could identify the 8him0 whenever it fell from her lips1 round with reverence and implication7 8to devote all his time to teaching1 he was for ten years an undertaker's assistant in ,oregon and ,washington40 ,i said nothing4 ,it was just as well to get past this first obstacle all at once4 ,there was no reason of course to scorn that necessary if overwrought profession2 yet somehow the thought of a savior emerging from those unctuous formaldehyde-smelling ranks seemed ludicrous4 ,i reminded myself that one of the more successful messiahs had been a carpenter and that another had been a politician 444 but an embalmer6 ,my anticipation of great news was chilled2 ,i prepared myself for grim comedy4 ,iris would tell me nothing more about the meeting or about him as we crossed the lawn4 ,she opened the door to the house and we stepped into a softly lighted anteroom4 ,a policeman and a civilian1 the one gloomy and the other cheerful1 greeted us4 8,ah1 ,miss ,mortimer60 said the civilian1 a gray1 plump pigeon of a man4 8,and a friend1 how good to see you both40 ,no this was not he4 ,i was introduced to ,mr4 ,dormer who chirped on until he was interrupted by the policeman4 8,come on1 you two1 in here4 ,got to get the prints and the oath40 ,iris motioned me to follow the policeman into a sideroom1 an office4 ,i'd heard of this national precaution but until now ,i had had no direct experience of it4 ,since the attempt of the communists to control our society had1 with the collapse of ,russian foreign policy1 quite failed1 our government in its collective wisdom had decided that never again would any sect or party1 other than the traditional ones1 be allowed to interrupt the rich flow of the nation's life4 ,as a result1 all deviationist societies were carefully watched by the police who fingerprinted and photographed those who attended meetings1 simultaneously exacting an oath of allegiance to the ,constitution and the ,flag which ended with that powerful invocation which a recent president's speech writer had1 in a moment of inspiration1 struck off to the delight of his employer and nation3 8,in a true democracy there is no place for any disagreement on truly great issues40 ,it is a comment on those years1 now happily become history1 that only a few ever considered the meaning of this resolution1 proving of course that words are never a familiar province to the great mass which prefers recognizable pictures to even the most apposite prose4 ,iris and ,i repeated dutifully in the presence of the policeman and an ,american flag1 the various national sentiments4 ,we were then allowed to go back to the anteroom and to ,mr4 ,dormer who himself led us into the chapel4 ,several dozen people were already there1 perfectly ordinary-looking men and women1 better dressed perhaps than the average4 ,the chapel was a nonsectarian one which managed to combine a number of decorative influences with a blandness quite remarkable in its success at not really representing anything while suggesting1 at the same time1 everything4 ,the presence of a dead body1 a man carefully painted and wearing a blue serge suit1 gently smiling in an ebony casket behind a bank of flowers at the chapel's end1 did not detract as much as one might have supposed from the occasion's importance4 ,after the first uneasiness1 it was quite possible to accept the anonymous dead man as a part of the dcor4 ,there was even1 in later years1 an attempt made by a group of ,cavite enthusiasts to insist upon the presence of an embalmed corpse at every service but fortunately the more practical elements among the ,cavites prevailed1 though not without an ugly quarrel and harsh words4 ,john ,cave's entrance followed our own by a few minutes and it is with difficulty that ,i recall what it was that ,i felt on seeing him for the first time4 ,though my recollections are well-known to all 7at least they were well-known1 although now ,i am less certain1 having seen ,butler's ,testament so strangely altered71 ,i must record here that ,i cannot1 after so many years1 so much history1 recall in any emotional detail my first reaction to this man who was to be the world's1 as well as my own1 peculiar nemesis4 ,but1 concentrating fiercely1 emptying my mind of later knowledge1 ,i can still see him as he walked down the aisle of the chapel1 a small man who moved with some grace4 ,he was younger than ,i'd expected or1 rather1 younger-looking1 with short straight hair1 light brown in color1 a lean regular face which would not have been noticed in a crowd unless one had got close enough to see the expression of the eyes3 the large diver eyes with black lashes like a thick line drawn on the pale skin1 focusing attention to them1 to the congenitally small pupils which glittered like the points of black needles1 betraying the will and the ambition which the impassive1 gentle face belied 444 but ,i am speaking with future knowledge now3 ,i did not that evening think of ambition or will in terms of ,john ,cave4 ,i was merely curious1 intrigued by the situation1 by the intensity of ,iris1 by the serene corpse behind the banks of hothouse flowers1 by the thirty or forty men and women who sat close to the front of the chapel1 listening intently to ,cave as he talked4 ,at first ,i paid little attention to what was being said1 more interested in observing the audience1 the room and the appearance of the speaker4 ,immediately after his undramatic entrance he had moved to the front of the chapel and sat down on a gilt chair to the right of the coffin2 there was a faint whisper of interest at his appearance3 newcomers like myself were being given last-minute instruction by the habitus who had brought them there4 ,cave sat easily on the gilt chair1 his eyes upon the floor1 his small hands1 bony and white1 folded in his lap1 a smile on his narrow lips3 he could not have looked more ineffectual1 more ordinary4 ,his opening words by no means altered this first impression4 ,the voice1 as he spoke1 was good1 though he tended to mumble at the beginning1 his eyes still on the floor1 his hands in his lap1 motionless4 ,so quietly did he begin that he had spoken for several seconds before many of the audience were aware that he had begun4 ,his accent was the national one1 learned doubtless from the radio and the movies3 a neutral pronunciation without any strong regional overtone4 ,the popular if short-lived legend of the next decade that he had begun his mission as a backwoods revivalist was certainly untrue4 ,not until he had talked for several minutes1 did ,i begin to listen to the sense rather than to the tone of his voice4 ,i cannot render precisely what he said but the message that night was not much different from the subsequent ones which are known to all4 ,it was1 finally1 the manner which created the response1 not the words themselves1 though the words were interesting enough1 especially when heard for the first time4 ,his voice1 as ,i have said1 faltered unsurely at the beginning and he left sentences unfinished1 a trick which ,i later discovered was deliberate for he had been born a remarkable actor1 an instinctive rhetorician4 ,what most struck me that first evening was the purest artifice of his performance4 ,the voice1 especially when he came to his climax1 was sharp and clear while his hands stirred like separate living creatures and the eyes1 those splendid unique eyes1 were abruptly revealed to us in the faint light1 displayed at that crucial moment which had been as carefully constructed as any work of architecture or of music3 the instant of communication4 ,against my will and judgment and inclination1 ,i found myself absorbed by the man1 not able to move or to react4 ,the same magic which was always to affect me1 even when later ,i knew him only too well1 held me fixed to my chair as the words1 supported by the clear voice1 came in a resonant line from him to me alone1 to each of us alone1 separate from the others 444 and both restless mass and fast-breathing particular were together his4 ,the moment itself lasted only a second in actual time2 it came suddenly1 without warning3 one was riven2 then it was over and he left the chapel1 left us chilled and weak1 staring foolishly at the gilt chair where he had been4 ,it was some minutes before we were able to take up our usual selves again4 ,iris looked at me4 ,i smiled weakly and cleared my throat3 ,i was conscious that ,i ached all over4 ,i glanced at my watch and saw that he had spoken to us for an hour and a half during which time ,i had not moved4 ,i stretched painfully and stood up4 ,others did the same3 we had shared an experience and it was the first time in my life that ,i knew what it was like to be the same as others1 my heart's beat no longer individual1 erratic1 but held for at least this one interval of time in concert with those of strangers4 ,it was a new1 disquieting experience3 to be no longer an observer1 a remote intelligence 444 for ninety minutes to have been a part of the whole4 ,iris walked with me to the anteroom where we stood for a moment watching the others who had also gathered here to talk in low voices1 their expressions bewildered4 ,she did not have to ask me what ,i thought4 ,i told her immediately1 in my own way1 impressed but less than reverent4 8,i see what you mean4 ,i see what it is that holds you1 fascinates you but ,i still wonder what it is really all about40 8,you saw4 ,you heard40 8,i saw an ordinary man4 ,i heard a sermon which was interesting1 although ,i might be less impressed if ,i read it to myself44440 ,deliberately ,i tried to throw it all away1 that instant of belief1 that paralysis of will1 that sense of mysteries revealed in a dazzle of light4 ,but as ,i talked1 ,i realized that ,i was not really dismissing it1 that ,i could not alter the experience even though ,i might dismiss the man and mock the text3 something had happened and ,i told her what ,i thought it was4 8,it is not truth1 ,iris1 but hypnosis40 ,she nodded4 8,i've often thought that4 ,especially at first when ,i was conscious of his mannerisms1 when ,i could see1 as only a woman can perhaps1 that this was just a man2 yet something does happen when you listen to him1 when you get to know him4 ,you must find that out for yourself2 and you will4 ,it may not prove to be anything which has to do with him4 ,there's something in oneself which stirs and comes alive at his touch1 through his agency40 ,she spoke quickly1 excitedly4 ,i felt the passion with which she was charged4 ,but suddenly it was too much for me4 ,i was bewildered and annoyed2 ,i wanted to get away4 8,don't you want to meet him80 ,i shook my head4 8,another time maybe1 but not now4 ,shall ,i take you back80 8,no4 ,i'll get a ride in to ,santa ,monica4 ,i may even stay over for the night4 ,he'll be here a week40 ,i wondered again if she might have a personal interest in ,cave3 though ,i doubted it1 anything was possible4 ,she walked me back to the car1 past the lighted chapel1 over the summery lawn1 down the dark street whose solid prosaicness helped to dispel somewhat the madness of the hour before4 ,we made a date to meet later on in the week4 ,she would tell ,cave about me and ,i would meet him4 ,i interrupted her then4 8,what did he say1 ,iris8 ,what did he say tonight80 ,her answer was as direct and as plain as my question4 8,that it is good to die40 ,,four #a ,this morning ,i reread the last section1 trying to see it objectively1 to match what ,i have put down with the memory ,i still bear of that first encounter with ,john ,cave4 ,i have not1 ,i fear1 got it4 ,but this is as close as ,i can come to recalling long-vanished emotions and events4 ,i was impressed by the man and ,i was shaken by his purpose4 ,my first impression was1 ,i think1 correct3 he was a born hypnotist and the text of that extraordinary message was1 in the early days at least1 thin1 illogical and depressing if one had not heard it spoken4 ,later of course ,i1 among others1 composed the words which bear his name and we gave them1 ,i fancy1 a polish and an authority which1 with his limited education and disregard for the works of the past1 he could not have accomplished on his own1 even had he wanted to4 ,i spent the intervening days between my first and second encounters with this strange man in a state of extreme tension and irritability4 ,clarissa called me several times but ,i refused to see her1 excusing myself from proposed entertainments and hinted tte--ttes1 with an abruptness which anyone but the iron-cast ,clarissa would have found appallingly rude4 ,she said she understood1 however1 and she let me off without explaining what it was she understood1 or thought she did4 ,i avoided a number of parties and all acquaintances1 keeping to my hotel room where ,i contemplated a quick return to the ,hudson and to the darkening autumn4 ,iris telephoned me twice and1 when she fixed a day at last for me to meet ,john ,cave1 ,i accepted her invitation1 a little to my own surprise4 ,we met in the late afternoon at her house4 ,only the three of us were present on that occasion4 ,in the set of dialogues which ,i composed and published in later years ,i took considerable liberties with our actual conversations1 especially this first one3 in fact1 as hostile critics were quick to suggest1 the dialogues were created by me with very little of ,cave in them and a good deal of ,plato1 rearranged to fit the occasion4 ,in time1 though1 my version was accepted implicitly1 if only because there were no longer any hostile critics4 ,iris served us tea in the patio4 ,she spoke seldom and1 when she did1 her voice was low and curiously diffident as she asked ,cave some question or instructed me4 ,cave himself was relaxed1 quite different from my first view of him4 ,in fact1 ,i might not even have recognized his face had ,i seen him in a group4 ,he rose promptly when ,i came out onto the patio2 he shook my hand vigorously but briefly and sat down again1 indicating that ,i sit next to him while ,iris went for tea4 ,he was smaller and more compact than ,i'd thought measuring him against myself as one does1 unconsciously1 with an interesting stranger4 ,he wore a plain brown suit and a white shirt open at the collar1 a modified ,lord ,byron collar which became him4 ,the eyes1 which at first ,i did not dare look at1 were1 ,i soon noticed1 sheathed 444 an odd word which was always to occur to me when ,i saw him at his ease1 his eyes half-shut1 ordinary1 not in the least unusual4 ,except for a restless folding and unfolding of his hands 7suggesting a recently reformed cigarette smoker7 he was without physical idiosyncrasy4 8,it's a pleasure to meet you0 were the first words1 ,i fear1 ,john ,cave ever spoke to me2 so unlike the dialogue on the spirit which ,i later composed to celebrate this initial encounter between master and disciple-to-be4 8,iris has told me a lot about you40 ,his voice was light1 without resonance now4 ,he sat far back in his deck chair4 ,inside the house ,i could hear ,iris moving plates4 ,the late afternoon sun had just that moment gone behind trees and the remaining light was warmly gold4 8,and ,i have followed your 444 career with interest too10 ,i said1 knowing that 8career0 was precisely the word he would not care to hear used but1 at that moment1 neither of us had got the range of the other4 ,we fired at random4 8,iris told me you write history40 ,i shook my head4 8,no1 ,i only read it4 ,i think it's all been written anyway40 ,i was allowed to develop this novel conceit for some moments1 attended by a respectful silence from my companion who finally dispatched my faintly hysterical proposition with a vague 8,maybe so02 and then we got to him4 8,i haven't been ,east you know10 he frowned at the palm trees4 8,i was born up in ,washington state and ,i've spent all my life in the ,northwest1 until last year40 ,he paused as though he expected me to ask him about that year4 ,i did not4 ,i waited for him to do it in his own way4 ,he suddenly turned about in his chair and faced me2 those disconcerting eyes suddenly trained upon my own4 8,you were there the other night1 weren't you80 8,why1 yes40 8,did you feel it too8 ,am ,i right80 ,the quick passion with which he said this1 exploding all at once the afternoon's serenity1 took me off guard4 ,i stammered1 8,i don't think ,i know what you mean4 ,i 4440 8,you know exactly what ,i mean1 what ,i meant40 ,he leaned closer to me and ,i wondered insanely if his deck chair might not collapse under him4 ,it teetered dangerously4 ,my mind went blank1 absorbed by the image of deck chair and prophet together collapsing at my feet4 ,then1 as suddenly1 satisfied perhaps with my confusion1 he settled back1 resumed his earlier ease1 exactly as if ,i had answered him1 as though we had come to a crisis and together fashioned an agreement3 it was most alarming4 8,i want to see ,new ,york especially4 ,i've always thought it must look like a cemetery with all those tall gray buildings you see in photographs40 ,he sighed conventionally3 8,so many interesting places in the world4 ,do you like the ,west80 ,nervously1 ,i said that ,i did4 ,i still feared a possible repetition of that brief outburst4 8,i like the openness10 said ,cave1 as though he had thought long about this problem4 8,i don't think ,i'd like confinement ,i couldn't live in ,seattle because of those fogs they used to have2 ,san ,francisco's the same4 ,i don't like too many walls1 too much fog40 ,if he'd intended to speak allegorically he could not have found a better audience for ,i was1 even at this early stage1 completely receptive to the most obscure histrionics but1 in conversation1 ,cave was perfectly literal4 ,except when he spoke before a large group1 he was quite simple and prosaic and1 though conscious always of his dignity and singular destiny1 not in the least portentous4 ,i probably did not put him at his ease for ,i stammered a good deal and made no sense1 but he was gracious1 supporting me with his own poise and equanimity4 ,he talked mostly of places until ,iris came back with tea4 ,then1 as the sky became florid with evening and the teacups gradually grew cold1 he talked of his work and ,i listened intently4 8,i can talk to you straight10 he said4 8,this just happened to me4 ,i didn't start out to do this4 ,no sir1 ,i never would have believed ten years ago that ,i'd be traveling about1 talking to people like one of those crackpot fanatics you've got so many in ,california40 ,i took a sip of the black1 fast-cooling tea1 hoping he was not sufficiently intuitive to guess that ,i had originally put him down1 provisionally of course1 as precisely that4 8,i don't know how much ,iris may have told you or how much you might have heard but it's pretty easy to pass the whole thing off as another joke3 a guy coming out of the backwoods with a message40 ,he cracked his knuckles hard and ,i winced at the sound4 8,well1 ,i didn't quite come out of the woods4 ,i had a year back at ,state ,university and ,i had a pretty good job in my field with the best firm of funeral directors in ,washington state4 ,then ,i started on this4 ,i just knew one day and so ,i began to talk to people and they knew too and ,i quit my job and started talking to bigger and bigger crowds all along the coast4 ,there wasn't any of this revelation stuff4 ,i just knew one day1 that was all2 and when ,i told other people what ,i knew they seemed to get it4 ,and that's the strange part4 ,everybody gets ideas about things which he thinks are wonderful but usually nothing happens to the people he tries to tell them to4 ,with me1 it's been different from the beginning4 ,people have all listened1 and agreed3 what ,i know they know4 ,isn't that a funny thing8 ,though most of them probably would never have thought it out until they heard me and it was all clear40 ,his eyes dropped to his hands2 he added softly3 8,so since it's been like this1 ,i've gone on4 ,i've made this my life4 ,this is it4 ,i shall come to the people40 ,there was silence4 ,the sentence had been spoken which ,i was later to construct the first dialogue upon3 8,i shall come to the people10 the six words which were to change our lives were spoken softly over tea4 ,iris looked at me challengingly over ,cave's bowed head4 ,i remember little else about that evening4 ,we dined1 ,i think1 in the house and ,cave was most agreeable1 most undemanding4 ,there was no more talk of the mission4 ,he asked me many questions about ,new ,york1 about ,harvard where ,i had gone to school1 about ,roman history4 ,he appeared to be interested in paganism and my own somewhat ambiguous approach to ,julian4 ,i was to learn later that though he seldom read he had a startling memory for any fact which seemed relevant4 ,i am neither immodest nor inaccurate when ,i say that he listened to me attentively for some years and many of his later views were a result of our conversations4 ,i should mention1 though1 one significant omission in his conversation during those first crucial years3 he never discussed ethical questions2 that was to come much later4 ,at the beginning he had but one vision and it was1 in its terrible truth1 quite inhuman and anarchic3 man dies1 consciousness dies with him3 it is good to die1 good not to be4 ,on this the ,cavite system was constructed and what came after in the moral and ethical spheres was largely the work of others in his name4 ,much of this ,i anticipated in that first conversation with him1 so unlike1 actually1 the dialogue which ,i composed ending1 ,i still think complacently despite the irony with which time has tarnished all those bright toys for me1 with the essential line3 8,death is neither hard nor bad2 only the dying hurts40 ,with that firmly postulated the rest was inevitable4 ,cave talked that evening about ,california and ,oregon and ,washington 7geography1 places were always to fascinate and engage him while people1 especially after the early years1 ceased to be remarkable to him2 he tended to get confused those myriad faces which passed before him like successive ripples in a huge sea74 ,he talked of the cities he had visited on the seaboard1 new cities to him1 all of them4 ,he compared their climates and various attractions like a truly devoted tourist1 eager to get the best of each place1 to encounter the genius loci and possess it4 8,but ,i don't like staying in any place long40 ,he looked at me then and again ,i felt that sense of a power being focused on me 444 it was not unlike what one experiences during an ,x-ray treatment when the humming noise indicates that potent rays are penetrating one's tissue and1 though there is actually no sensation1 something is experienced1 power is felt4 ,and so it invariably was that1 right until the end1 ,cave1 whenever he chose1 could turn those wide bleak eyes upon me and ,i would experience his force anew4 8,i want to keep moving1 new places1 that's what ,i like4 ,you get a kind or charge traveling4 ,at least ,i do4 ,i always thought ,i'd travel but ,i never figured it would be like this2 but then of course ,i never thought of all this until just awhile ago4 8,can you remember when it was8 how it was exactly you got 444 started80 ,i wanted a sign obviously3 ,constantine's labarum occurred to me3 in hoc signo vinces4 ,already ambition was stirring1 and the little beast fed ravenously on every scrap that came its way for ,i was1 in that patio1 experiencing my own revelation1 the compass needle no longer spinning wildly but coming to settle at last1 with many hesitancies and demurs1 upon a direction1 drawn to a far pole's attraction4 ,he smiled for the first time4 ,i suppose1 if ,i wanted1 ,i could recall each occasion over the years when1 in my presence at least1 ,john ,cave smiled4 ,his usual expression was one of calm resolve1 of that authority which feels secure in itself1 a fortunate expression which lent dignity even to his casual conversation3 the fact that this serene mask hid a nearly total intellectual vacuity1 ,i suspected as early in my dealings with him as this first meeting2 yet ,i did not mind for ,i had experienced his unique magic and already ,i saw the possibilities of channeling that power1 of using that force1 or turning it like a flame here1 there1 creating and destroying1 shaping and shattering 444 so much for the spontaneous nature of my ambition at its least responsible1 and at its most exquisite6 ,i could have set the one-half world aflame for the sheer splendor and glory of the deed4 ,for this my expiation has been long and my once exuberant pride is now only an ashen phoenix consumed by flames but not yet tumbled to dust1 not yet recreated in the millennial egg 444 only a gray shadow in the heart which the touch of a finger of windy fear will turn to air and dust4 ,yet the creature was aborning that day3 one seed had touched another and a monster began to live4 8,the first day8 ,the first time80 ,the smile faded4 8,sure1 ,i remember it4 ,i'd just finished painting the face of a big dead fellow killed in an automobile accident4 ,i didn't usually do make-up but ,i like to help out and ,i used to do odd jobs when somebody had too much to do and asked me to help2 the painting isn't hard either and ,i always like it1 though the faces are cold like 444 like44440 ,he thought of no simile2 he went on3 8,anyway ,i looked at this guy's face and ,i remembered ,i'd seen him play basketball in high school4 ,he was in a class or two behind me4 ,big athlete4 ,ringer1 we called them 444 full of life 444 and here he was1 with me powdering his face and combing his eyebrows4 ,usually you don't think much about the stiff 7that's our professional word7 one way or the other3 it's just a job4 ,but ,i thought about this one suddenly4 ,i started to feel sorry for him1 dead like that1 so sudden1 so young1 so good-looking with all sorts of prospects2 then ,i felt it40 ,the voice grew low and precise4 ,iris and ,i listened intently1 even the sun froze in the wild sky above the sea2 the young night stumbled in the darkening east4 ,his eyes on the sun1 he described his sudden knowledge that it was the dead man who was right1 who was a part of the whole1 that the living were the sufferers from whom1 temporarily1 the beautiful darkness and nonbeing had been withdrawn and1 in his crude way1 ,cave struck chord after chord of meaning and1 though the notes were not in themselves new1 the effect was all its own 444 and not entirely because of the voice1 the cogency of this magician4 ,no1 the effect was achieved only in part through his ability to make one experience with him an occasion of light1 of absolute knowing4 8,and ,i knew it was the dying which was the better part10 he finished4 ,the sun1 released1 drowned in the ,pacific4 ,in the darkness ,i asked1 8,but you1 you still live80 8,not because ,i want to10 came the voice1 soft as the night 8,i must tell the others first4 ,there'll be time for myself40 ,i shuddered in the warmth of the patio4 ,my companions were only dim presences in the failing light4 8,who told you to tell this to everyone80 ,the answer came back1 strong and unexpected3 8,i told myself4 ,the responsibility is mine40 ,that was the sign for me4 ,he had broken with his predecessors4 ,he was on his own4 ,he knew 444 and so did we4 #b ,i have lingered over that first meeting for1 in it1 was finally all that there was to come4 ,later details were the work of others1 the exotic periphery to a simple but powerful center4 ,not until late that night did ,i leave the house near the beach4 ,when ,i left1 ,cave stayed on and ,i wondered again1 idly1 if perhaps he was living there with ,iris1 if perhaps her interest in him might not be more complex than ,i had suspected4 ,we parted casually and ,iris walked me to the door while ,cave remained inside1 gazing in his intent way at nothing at all3 daydreaming1 doubtless1 of what was to come4 8,you'll help80 ,iris stood by the car's open door1 her features indistinct in the moonless night4 8,i think so4 ,i'm not sure1 though1 about the scale40 8,what do you mean80 8,must everyone know8 ,can't it just be kept to ourselves8 for the few who do know him80 8,no4 ,we must let them all hear him4 ,everyone40 ,and her voice assumed that zealous tone which ,i was to hear so often again and again upon her lips and on those of others4 ,i made my first and last objection3 8,i don't see that quantity has much to do with it4 ,if this thing spreads it will become organized4 ,if it becomes organized1 secondary considerations will obscure the point4 ,the truth is no truer because only a few have experienced it40 8,you're wrong4 ,even for purely selfish reasons1 ruling out all altruistic considerations1 there's an excellent reason for allowing this to spread3 a society which knows what we know1 which believes in ,cave and what he says1 will be a pleasanter place in which to live1 less anxious1 more tolerant40 ,and she spoke of the new ,jerusalem in our sallow land and ,i was nearly convinced4 ,the next day ,i went to ,hastings' house for lunch4 ,he was there alone2 his wife apparently had a life of her own which required his company only occasionally4 ,clarissa1 sensible in tweed and dark glasses1 was the only other guest4 ,we lunched on an iron-wrought table beside the gloomy pool in which1 among the occasional leaves1 ,i saw1 quite clearly1 a cigarette butt delicately unfolding like an ocean flower4 8,good to1 ah1 have you1 ,eugene4 ,just a bit of potluck4 ,clarissa's going back to civilization today and wanted to see you 444 ,i did too1 of course4 ,the bride's gone out4 ,told me to convey her44440 ,clarissa turned her bright eyes on me and1 without acknowledging the presence of our host1 said right off3 8,you've met him at last40 ,i nodded4 ,the plot was finally clear to me3 the main design at least4 8,we had dinner together last night40 8,i know4 ,iris told me4 ,you're going to help out of course40 8,i'd like to but ,i don't know what there is ,i might do4 ,i don't think ,i'd be much use with a tambourine on street corners1 preaching the word40 8,don't be silly60 ,clarissa chuckled4 8,we're going to handle this quite1 quite differently40 8,we80 8,oh1 ,i've been involved for over a year now4 ,it's going to be the greatest fun 444 you wait and see40 8,but44440 8,i was the one who got ,iris herself involved4 ,i thought she looked a little peaked1 a little bored4 ,i had no idea of course she'd get in so deep1 but it will probably turn out all right ,i think she's in love with him40 8,don't be such a gossip10 said ,hastings sharply4 8,you always reduce everything to 444 to biology4 ,cave isn't that sort of man40 8,you know him too80 ,how fast it was growing1 ,i thought4 8,certainly4 ,biggest thing ,i've done since44440 8,since you married that brassy blonde10 said ,clarissa with her irrepressible rudeness4 8,anyway1 my dear1 ,iris took to the whole thing like a born proselyte1 if that's the word ,i mean 444 the other's a little boy1 isn't it8 and it seems1 from what she's told me1 that you have too40 8,i wouldn't say that40 ,i was a little put out at both ,iris and ,clarissa taking me so much for granted4 8,say anything you like4 ,it's still the best thing that's ever happened to you4 ,oh ,god1 not avocado again60 ,the offending salad was waved away while ,hastings muttered apologies4 8,nasty1 pointless things1 all texture and no taste40 ,she made a face4 8,but ,i suppose that we must live off the fruits of the country and this is the only thing which will grow in ,california40 ,she moved without pause from ,western flora to the problem of ,john ,cave4 8,as for your own contribution1 ,eugene1 it will depend largely upon what you choose to do4 ,as ,i said1 ,i never suspected that ,iris would get in so deep and you may prove to be quite as surprising4 ,this is the ground floor of course 444 wonderful expression1 isn't it8 the spirit of ,america3 the slogan which broke the plains 444 in any case1 the way is clear4 ,cave liked you4 ,you can write things for them1 rather solid articles based on your inimitable misreadings of history4 ,you can educate ,cave1 though this might be unwise since so much of his force derives from his eloquent ignorance2 or you might become a part of the organization which is getting under way4 ,i suppose ,iris will explain that to you3 it's rather her department at the moment4 ,all those years in the ,junior ,league gave her a touching faith in the power of committees1 which is just as well when handling ,americans4 ,as for the tambourines and cries of ',come and ,be ,saved' you are some twenty years behind the times4 ,we 444 or to be exact ,i ought to say 'they' 444 have more up-to-date plans40 8,committees8 ,what committees80 ,clarissa unfolded her mushroom omelet with a secret smile4 8,you'll meet our number-one committee member after lunch4 ,he's coming1 isn't he80 ,she looked at ,hastings as though suspecting him of a treacherous ineptitude4 8,certainly1 certainly1 at least he said he was40 ,hastings motioned for the serving-woman to clean away the luncheon dishes and we moved to other chairs beside the pool for coffee4 ,clarissa was in fine form1 aggressive1 positive1 serenely indifferent to the effect she was having on ,hastings and me4 8,of course ,i'm just meddling10 she said in answer to an inquiry of mine4 8,i don't really give two cents for ,mr ,cave and his message40 8,clarissa60 ,hastings was genuinely shocked4 8,i mean it4 ,not that ,i don't find him fascinating and of course the whole situation is delicious 444 what we shall do6 or you shall do60 she looked at me maliciously4 8,i can foresee no limits to this40 8,it no doubt reminds you of the period shortly after ,mohammed married ,khadija40 ,my own malice1 however1 could not pierce ,clarissa's mad equanimity4 8,vile man1 sweet woman4 ,but no1 this is all going to be different although the intellectual climate 7,i think intellectual is perhaps optimistic but you know what ,i mean7 is quite similar4 ,i can't wait for the first public response40 8,there's already been some10 said ,hastings1 crossing his legs which were encased in pale multicolor slacks with rawhide sandals on his feet4 8,there was a piece yesterday in the ,news about the meetings they've been having up near ,laguna or wherever it is he's been speaking this time40 8,what did they say80 ,clarissa scattered tiny saccharine tablets into her coffee like a grain goddess preparing harvest4 8,oh1 just one of those short suburban notes about how a ,mr ,joseph ,cave1 they got the name wrong1 was giving a series of lectures at a funeral parlor which have been surprisingly well attended40 8,they didn't mention what the lectures were about80 8,no1 just a comment3 the first one so far in ,los ,angeles40 8,there'll be others soon but ,i shouldn't think it's such a good idea to have too many items like that before things are really under way40 8,and the gentleman who is coming here will be responsible for getting them under way80 ,i asked4 8,pretty much1 yes4 ,it's been decided that the practical details are to be left to him4 ,cave will continue to speak in and around ,los ,angeles until the way has been prepared4 ,then1 when the publicity begins1 he will be booked all over the country1 all over the world60 ,clarissa rocked silently for a moment in her chair1 creating a disagreeable effect of noiseless laughter which disconcerted both ,hastings and me4 8,i don't like your attitude10 said ,hastings1 looking at her gloomily4 8,you aren't serious40 8,oh ,i am1 my darling1 ,i am4 ,you'll never know how serious40 ,and on that high note of ,clarissa's1 ,paul ,himmell stepped out onto the patio1 blinking in the light of noon4 ,he was a slender man in his fortieth and most successful year1 with hair only just begun to gray and a lined but firmly modeled face1 bright with ambition4 ,the initial impression was one of neatly contained energy1 of a passionate temperament beautifully1 usefully channeled4 ,the twist to his bow tie was the work of a master craftsman4 ,the handshake was agreeable2 the smile was quick and engaging2 the effect on me was alarming3 ,i had detested this sort of man all my life and here at last1 wearing a repellently distinguished sports coat was the archetype of all such creatures1 loading with a steady hand that cigarette holder without which he might at least have seemed to me still human4 ,he was identified by ,hastings who1 with a few excited snorts and gasps1 told me beneath the conversation that this was the most successful young publicist in ,hollywood1 which meant the world4 8,i'm happy to meet you1 ,gene10 he said as soon as ,hastings had introduced us4 ,he was perfectly aware that he had been identified while the first greetings with ,clarissa had been exchanged3 he had the common gift of the busy worldling of being able to attend two conversations simultaneously1 profiting from both4 ,i hate of course being called by my first name by strangers but in his world there were of course no strangers3 the freemasonry of self-interest made all men equal in their desperation4 ,he treated me like a buddy4 ,he knew 7he was1 after all1 clever7 that ,i detested him on sight and on principle and that presented him with a challenge to which he rose with confidence 444 and continued to rise through the years1 despite the enduring nature of my disaffection4 ,but then to be liked was his business and ,i suspect that his attentions had less to do with me1 with a sense of failure in himself for not having won me1 than with a kind of automatic charm1 a response to a situation which was produced quite inhumanly1 mechanically3 the smile1 the warm voice1 the delicate flattery 444 or not so delicate1 depending on the case4 8,iris and ,cave both told me about you and ,i'm particularly glad to get a chance to meet you 444 to see you too1 ,clarissa 444 will you be long in the ,east80 ,conscious perhaps that ,i would need more work than a perfunctory prelude1 he shifted his attention to ,clarissa1 saving me for later4 8,i never have plans1 ,paul1 but ,i've got one or two chores ,i've got to do4 ,anyway ,i've decided that ,eugene is just the one to give the enterprise its tone 444 a quality concerning which you1 dear ,paul1 so often have so much to say40 8,why yes10 said the publicist genially1 obviously not understanding4 8,always use more tone4 ,you're quite right40 ,clarissa's eyes met mine for a brief amused instant4 ,she was on to everything 444 doubtless on to me too in that way one can never be about oneself2 ,i always felt at a disadvantage with her4 8,what we're going to need for the big ,new ,york opening is a firm historical and intellectual base4 ,cave hasn't got it and of course doesn't need it4 ,we are going to need commentary and explanation and though you happen to be a genius in publicity you must admit that that group which has been characterized as intellectual1 the literate few who1 in their weakness1 often exert enormous influence1 are not apt to be much moved by your publicity3 in fact1 they will be put off by it40 8,well1 now ,i'm not so sure my methods are that crude4 ,of course ,i never44440 8,they are superbly1 triumphantly1 providentially crude and you know it4 ,eugene must lend dignity to the enterprise4 ,he has a solemn and highly respectable misunderstanding of philosophy which will appeal to his fellow intellectuals4 ,he and they are quite alike3 liberal1 ineffectual1 scrupulous1 unsuperstitious1 irresolute and lonely4 ,when he addresses them they will get immediately his range1 you might say1 pick up his frequency1 realizing he is one of them1 a man to be trusted4 ,once they are reached the game is over1 or begun40 ,clarissa paused and looked at me expectantly1 the exuberant malice veiled by excitement4 ,i didn't answer immediately4 ,hastings1 as a former writer1 felt that he too had been addressed and he worried the subject of 8tone0 while ,paul gravely added a comment or two4 ,clarissa watched me1 however1 conscious perhaps of the wound she had dealt4 ,was it all really so simple8 was ,i so simple8 so typical8 ,vanity said not1 but self-doubt1 the shadow which darkens even those triumphs held at noon1 prevailed for a sick moment or two3 ,i was no different from the others1 from the little pedagogues and analysts1 the self-obsessed and spiritless company who endured shame and a sense of alienation without even that conviction of virtue which can dispel guilt and apathy for the simple1 for all those who have accepted without question one of the systems of absolutes which it has amused both mystics and tyrants to construct for man's guidance4 ,i had less baggage to rid myself of than the others3 ,i was confident of that4 ,neither ,christianity nor ,marxism nor the ugly certainties of the mental therapists had ever engaged my loyalty or suspended my judgment4 ,i had looked at them all1 deploring their admirers and servants1 interested though by their separate views of society and of the potentialities of a heaven on earth 7the medieval conception of a world beyond life was always interesting to contemplate even if the evidence in its favor was whimsical at best 444 conceived either as a system of rewards and punishments to control living man or else as lovely visions of what might be were man indeed consubstantial with a creation which so often resembled the personal aspirations of gifted divines rather more closely than that universe the rest of us can only observe with mortal eyes74 ,no1 ,i had had to dispose of relatively little baggage and1 ,i like to think1 less than my more thoughtful contemporaries who were forever analyzing themselves1 offering their psyches to doctors for analysis or1 worse1 giving their immortal souls into the hands of priests who would then assume much of their weltschmerz1 providing them with a set of grown-up games every bit as appealing as the ones of childhood which had involved make-believe or1 finally1 worst of all1 the soft acceptance of the idea of man the mass1 of man the citizen1 of society the organic whole for whose greater good all individuality must be surrendered4 ,my sense then of all that ,i had not been1 negative as it was1 saved my self-esteem3 ,i was1 in this1 unlike my contemporaries4 ,i had1 in youth1 lost all respect for the authority of men and since there is no other discernible 7the 8laws0 of nature are only relative and one cannot say for certain that there is a beautiful logic to everything in the universe as long as first principles remain unrevealed 444 except of course to the religious who know everything1 having faith71 ,i was unencumbered by belief1 by reverence for any man or groups of men1 living or dead1 though their wit and genius often made my days bearable since my capacity for admiration1 for aesthetic response was1 ,i think1 highly developed even though with ,terence ,i did not know1 did not need to know through what wild centuries roves the rose4 ,yet ,clarissa's including me among the little ,hamlets was irritating1 and when ,i joined in the discussion again ,i was careful to give her no satisfaction2 it would have been a partial victory for her if ,i had denied my generic similarity to my own contemporaries4 ,paul spoke of practical matters1 explaining to us the way he intended to operate in the coming months2 and ,i was given a glimpse of the organization which had spontaneously come into being only a few weeks before4 8,hope we can have lunch tomorrow1 ,gene4 ,i'll give you a better picture then1 the overall picture3 and your part in it4 ,briefly1 for now1 the organization has been set up as a company under ,california law with ,cave as president and myself1 ,iris and ,clarissa as directors4 ,i'm also secretary-treasurer but only for now4 ,we're going to need a first-rate financial man to head our campaign fund and ,i'm working on several possibilities right now40 8,what's the 444 company called80 ,i asked4 8,cavites1 ,inc4 ,we didn't want to call it anything but that's the law here and since we intended to raise money we had to have a legal setup40 8,got a nice sound1 ah1 ,cavite10 said ,hastings1 nodding4 8,what on earth should we have done if he'd had your name1 ,paul80 exclaimed ,clarissa1 to the indignation of both ,hastings and ,paul4 ,they shut her up quickly4 ,paul went on in his smooth deep voice1 8,i've had a lot of experience1 of course1 but this is something completely new for me1 a real challenge and one which ,i'm glad to meet head-on40 8,how did you get into it80 ,i asked4 ,paul pointed dramatically to ,hastings4 8,him6 ,he took me to a meeting in ,laguna last year4 ,i was sold the first time4 ,i got the message40 ,there was a hush as we were allowed to contemplate this awesome information4 ,then1 smiling in a fashion which he doubtless would have called 8wry10 the publicist continued3 8,i knew this was it4 ,i contacted ,cave immediately and found we talked the same language4 ,he was all for the idea and so we incorporated4 ,he said he wasn't interested in the organizational end and left that to us with ,iris sort of representing him1 though of course we all do since we're all ,cavites4 ,this thing is big and we're part of it40 ,he almost smacked his lips4 ,i listened1 fascinated4 8,anyway he's going to do the preaching part and we're going to handle the sales end1 if you get what ,i mean4 ,we're selling something which nobody else ever sold before and you know what that is80 ,he paused dramatically and we stared at him1 a little stupidly4 8,truth60 ,his voice was triumphant4 8,we're selling the truth about life and that's something that nobody1 but nobody1 has got40 ,clarissa broke the silence which had absorbed his last words4 8,you're simply out of this world1 ,paul6 ,if ,i hadn't heard you1 ,i'd never have believed it4 ,but you don't have to sell us1 dear2 we're in on it too4 ,besides1 ,i have to catch a plane40 ,she looked at her watch4 ,she stood up and we did too4 ,she thanked ,hastings for lunch and then1 before she left the patio on his arm1 she said3 8,now you boys get on together and remember what ,i've told you4 ,gene must be used1 and right away4 ,get him to write something dignified1 for a magazine40 ,we murmured assent4 ,clarissa said good-by and left the patio with ,hastings4 ,her voice1 shrill and hard1 could be heard even after she left4 8,the truth about life6 ,oh1 it's going to be priceless60 ,i looked quickly at ,paul to see if he had heard but1 if he had1 he didn't betray the fact4 ,he was looking at me intently1 speculatively4 8,i think we're going to get along fine1 ,gene1 just fine40 ,leaving me only a fumbled word or two of polite corroboration with which to express my sincere antipathy2 then we went our separate ways4 #c ,i met ,paul the next day at his office for a drink and not for lunch since1 at the last minute1 his secretary called me to say he was tied up and could ,i possibly come at five4 ,i said that ,i could4 ,i did4 ,his offices occupied an entire floor of a small sky-scraper on the edge of ,beverly ,hills4 ,i was shown through a series of rooms done in natural wood and beige with indirect lighting and the soft sound of ,strauss waltzes piped in from all directions3 the employees responded best to three-four time according to the current efficiency reports4 ,beneath an expensive but standard mobile1 ,paul stood1 waiting for me in his office4 ,his desk1 a tiny affair of white marble on slender iron legs had been rolled off to one side and the office gave1 as had been intended1 the impression of being a small drawing room rather than a place of intense business4 ,i was greeted warmly4 ,my hand was shaken firmly4 ,my eyes were met squarely for the regulation-length of time4 ,then we sat down on a couch which was like the open furry mouth of some great soft beast and his secretary rolled a portable bar toward us4 8,name your poison10 said the publicist genially4 ,we agreed on a cocktail which he mixed with the usual comments one expects from a regular fellow4 ,lulled by the alcohol1 by the room1 disarmed by the familiar patter in which one made all the correct responses1 our conversation as ritualistic as that of a ,french dinner party1 ,i was not prepared for the abrupt3 8,you don't like me1 do you1 ,gene80 ,only once or twice before had anyone ever said this to me and each time that it happened ,i had vowed grimly that the next time1 no matter where or with whom1 ,i should answer with perfect candor1 with merciless accuracy3 8,no1 ,i don't40 ,but since ,i am neither quick nor courageous1 ,i murmured a pale denial4 8,it's all right1 ,gene4 ,i know how you probably feel40 ,and the monster was magnanimous2 he treated me with pity4 8,we've got two different points of view4 ,that's all4 ,i have to make my way in this rat-race and you don't4 ,you don't have to do anything1 so you can afford to patronize us poor hustlers40 8,patronize isn't quite the word40 ,i was beginning to recover from the first shock4 ,a crushing phrase or two occurred to me but the publicist knew his business and he changed course before ,i could begin my work of demolition4 8,well1 ,i just wanted you to know that there are no hard feelings4 ,in my business you get used to this sort of thing3 occupational hazard1 you might say4 ,i've had to fight my way every inch and ,i know that a lot of people are going to be jostled in the process1 which is just too bad for them40 ,he smiled suddenly1 drawing the sting4 8,but ,i have a hunch we're going to be seeing a lot of each other so we ought to start on a perfectly plain basis of understanding4 ,you're on to me and ,i'm on to you40 ,the man was diabolic in the way he could enrage yet not allow his adversary sufficient grounds for even a perfunctory defense4 ,he moved rapidly1 with a show of spurious reason which quite dazzled me4 ,his was what1 presently1 he called 8the common-sense view40 ,i told him ,i had no objection to working with him2 that everything ,i had heard about him impressed me2 that he was wrong to suspect me of disdaining methods whose efficacy was so well-known4 ,i perjured myself for several impassioned minutes and1 on a rising note of coziness1 we passed on to the problem in hand1 congenial enemies for all time3 the first round clearly his4 8,clarissa got you into this80 ,he looked at me over his glass4 8,more or less4 ,clarissa to ,iris to ,cave was the precise play40 8,she got me to ,cave last summer1 or rather to ,hastings first4 ,i was sold right off4 ,i think ,i told you that yesterday4 ,this guy's got everything4 ,even aside from the message1 he's the most remarkable salesman ,i've ever seen and believe me when ,i tell you there isn't anything ,i don't know about salesmen40 ,i agreed that he was doubtless expert in these matters4 8,i went to about a dozen of those early meetings and ,i could see he was having the same effect on everyone1 even on ,catholics1 people like that4 ,of course ,i don't know what happens when they get home but while they're there they're sold and that's all that matters because1 in the next year1 we're going to have him there1 everywhere1 and all the time40 ,i told him ,i didn't exactly follow this metaphysic flight4 8,i mean we're going to have him on television1 on movie screens1 in the papers1 so that everybody can feel the effect of his personality1 just like he was there in person4 ,this prayer-meeting stuff he's been doing is just a warming up4 ,that's all4 ,that kind of thing is outmoded3 can't reach enough people even if you spoke at ,madison ,square every night for a year1 but it's good practice1 and it's got him started4 ,now the next move is a ,,tv half-hour show once a week and when that gets started we're in40 8,who's going to pay for all this80 8,we've got more money than you can shake a stick at40 ,he smiled briefly and refilled our glasses with a flourish4 8,i haven't been resting on my laurels and neither has ,clarissa4 ,we've got three of the richest men in ,l4,a4 drooling at the mouth for an opportunity to come in with us4 ,they're sold2 they've talked to him2 they've heard him4 ,that's been enough40 8,will you sell soap on television at the same time80 8,come off it1 ,gene4 ,cave is the product40 8,then in what way will you1 or his sponsors1 profit from selling him80 8,in the first place what he says is the truth and it's meant a lot to me and also to them1 to the tycoons3 they're willing to do anything to put him across40 8,i should think that the possession of the truth and its attendant sense of virtue is in itself enough1 easily spoiled by popularization10 ,i said with chilling pomp4 8,now that's a mighty selfish attitude to take4 ,sure it makes me happy to know at last nothing matters a hell of a lot since ,i'm apt to die any time and that's the end of yours truly2 a nice quiet nothing1 like sleeping pills after a busy day3 all that's swell but it means a lot more to me to see the truth belong to everybody and also1 let's face it1 ,i'm ambitious4 ,i like my work4 ,i want to see this thing get big1 and with me part of it4 ,life doesn't mean a thing and death is the only reality1 like he says1 but while we're living we've got to keep busy and get ahead and the best thing for me1 ,i figured about six months ago1 was to put ,cave over on the public1 which is just what ,i'm going to do4 ,anything wrong with that80 ,since right and wrong had not yet been reformulated and codified1 ,i gave him the comfort he hardly needed4 8,i see what you mean4 ,i suppose you're right4 ,perhaps the motive is the same in every case1 mine as well as yours3 yet we've all experienced ,cave and that should be enough40 8,no1 we should all get behind it and push1 bring it to the world40 8,that1 of course1 is where we're different3 not that ,i don't intend to 'propagate the truth1' rather ,i shall do it for something to do1 knowing that nothing matters1 not even this knowledge matters40 ,in my unction1 ,i had stumbled upon the first of a series of paradoxes which were to amuse and obsess our philosophers for a generation4 ,paul gave me no opportunity to elaborate1 however2 his was the practical way and ,i followed4 ,we spoke of means and ends4 8,cave likes the idea of the half-hour show and as soon as we get all the wrinkles ironed out1 buying good time1 not just dead air1 we'll make the first big announcement1 along around ,january1 ,i think4 ,until then we're trying to keep this out of the papers4 ,slow but sure2 then fast and hard40 8,what sort of man is ,cave80 ,i wanted very much to hear ,paul's reaction to him3 this was the practical man1 the unobsessed4 ,he was candid2 he did not know4 8,how can you figure a guy like that out8 ,at times he seems a little feeble-minded1 this is between us by the way1 and other times when he's talking to people1 giving with the message1 there's nothing like him40 8,what about his early life80 8,nobody knows very much4 ,i've had a detective agency prepare a dossier on him4 ,does that surprise you8 ,well1 ,i'm going far out on a limb for him and so are our rich friends4 ,we had to be sure we weren't buying an ax-murderer or a bigamist or something40 8,would that have made any difference to the message80 8,no1 ,i don't think so but it sure would have made it impossible for us to sell him on a big scale40 8,and what did they find80 8,not much4 ,i'll let you read it4 ,take it home with you4 ,confidential of course and1 as an officer of the company1 ,i must ask you not to use any of it without clearing first with me40 ,i agreed and his secretary was sent for4 ,the dossier was a thin bound manuscript4 8,it's a carbon but ,i want it back4 ,you won't find anything very striking but you ought to read it for the background4 ,never been married1 no girl friends that anybody remembers 444 no boy friends either 7what a headache that problem is in ,hollywood1 for a firm like ours74 ,no police record4 ,no tickets for double parking1 even4 ,a beautiful1 beautiful record on which to build40 8,perhaps a little negative40 8,that's what we like4 ,as for the guy's character1 his ,i4,q41 your guess is as good as mine1 probably better4 ,when ,i'm with him alone1 we talk about the campaign and he's very relaxed1 very sensible1 businesslike3 doesn't preach or carry on4 ,he seems to understand all the problems of our end4 ,he's cooperative40 8,can you look him straight in the eye80 ,paul laughed4 8,gives you the creeps1 doesn't it8 ,no1 ,i guess ,i don't look at him very much4 ,i'm glad you mentioned that because ,i've a hunch he's a hypnotist of some kind though there's no record of his ever having studied it4 ,i think ,i'll get a psychologist to take a look at him40 8,do you think he'll like that80 8,oh1 he'll never know unless he's a mind reader4 ,somebody to sort of observe him at work4 ,i've already had him checked out physically40 8,you're very thorough40 8,have to be4 ,he's got a duodenal ulcer and there's a danger of high blood pressure when he's older2 otherwise he's in fine shape40 8,what do you want me to do first80 ,he became serious4 8,a pamphlet4 ,you might make a highbrow magazine article out of it for the ,readers' ,digest or something first4 ,we'll want a clear1 simple statement of the ,cavite philosophy40 8,why don't you get him to write it80 8,i've tried4 ,he says he can't write anything4 ,in fact he even hates to have his sermons taken down by a recorder4 ,god knows why4 ,but1 in a way1 it's all to the good because it means we can get all the talent we like to do the writing for us and that way1 sooner or later1 we can appeal to just about everybody40 8,whom am ,i supposed to appeal to in this first pamphlet80 8,the ordinary person1 but make it as foolproof as you can2 leave plenty of doors open so you can get out fast in case we switch the party line along the way40 ,i laughed4 8,you're extraordinarily cynical40 8,just practical4 ,i had to learn everything the hard way4 ,i was kicked around by some mighty expert kickers in my day40 ,i checked his flow of reminiscence4 8,tell me about ,cave and ,iris40 ,this was the secondary mystery which had occupied my mind for several days4 ,but ,paul did not know or1 if he did1 would not say4 8,i think they're just good friends1 like we say in these parts4 ,except that ,i doubt if anything is going on 444 they don't seem the type and she's so completely gone on what he has to say44440 ,a long-legged girl secretary in discreet black entered the room unbidden and whispered something to the publicist ,paul started as though she had given him an electric shock from the thick carpeting4 ,he spoke quickly3 8,get ,furlow4 ,tell him to stand bail4 ,also get a writ4 ,i'll be right down there40 ,she ran from the room4 ,he pushed the bar away from him and it rolled aimlessly across the floor1 its bottles and glasses chattering4 ,paul looked at me distractedly4 8,he's in jail4 ,cave's in jail40 ,,five #a ,last night the noise of my heart's beating kept me awake until nearly dawn4 ,then1 as the gray warm light of the morning patterned the floor1 ,i fell asleep and dreamed uneasily of disaster1 my dreams disturbed by the noise of jackals1 by that jackal-headed god who hovers over me as these last days unfold confusedly before my eyes3 it will end in heat and terror1 alone beside a muddy river1 all time as one and that soon gone4 ,i awakened1 breathless and cold1 with a terror of the dying still ahead4 ,after coffee and pills1 those assorted pellets which seem to restore me for moments at a time to a false serenity1 ,i put aside the nightmare world of the previous restless hours and idly examined the pages which ,i had written with an eye to rereading them straight through1 to relive again for a time the old drama which is already1 as ,i write1 separating itself from my memory and becoming real only in the prose3 ,i think now of these events as ,i have told them and not as they occur to me in memory4 ,for the memory now is of pages and not of scenes or of actual human beings still existing in that baleful1 tenebrous region of the imagination where fancy and fact together confuse even the most confident of narrators4 ,i have1 thus far at least1 exorcised demons1 and to have lost certain memories to my narrative relieves my system1 like a cancer cut whole from a failing organism4 ,the boy brought me my morning coffee and the local newspaper whose ,arabic text pleases my eye though the sense1 when ,i do translate it1 is less than strange4 ,i asked the boy if ,mr4 ,butler was awake and he said he had gone out already3 these last few days ,i have kept to my room even for the evening meal1 delaying the inevitable revelation as long as possible4 ,after the boy left and while ,i drank coffee and looked out upon the river and the western hills1 ,i was conscious of a sense of well-being which ,i have not often experienced in recent years4 ,perhaps the work of evoking the past has1 in a sense1 enhanced the present for me4 ,i thought of the work done as life preserved1 as part of me which will remain4 ,then1 idly1 ,i riffled the pages of ,john ,cave's ,testament for the first time since ,i had discovered my name had been expunged4 ,the opening was the familiar one which ,i had composed so many years before in ,cave's name4 ,the time of divination3 a straightforward account of the apparent wonders which had preceded the mission4 ,no credence was given the supernatural but a good case was made 7borrowed a little from the mental therapists7 for the race's need of phenomena as a symptom of unease and boredom and anticipation4 ,i flicked through the pages4 ,an entire new part had been added which ,i did not recognize3 still written as though by ,cave but1 obviously1 it could not have been composed until at least a decade after his death4 ,i read the new section carefully4 ,whoever had written it had been strongly under the influence of the pragmatic philosophers1 though the style was somewhat inspirational3 a combination of a guide to popularity crossed with the ,koran4 ,a whole system of ideal behavior was sketched broadly for the devout1 so broadly as to be fairly useless though the commentary and the interpretive analysis of such lines as3 8,property really belongs to the world though individuals may have temporary liens on certain sections10 must be already prodigious4 ,i was well into the metaphysics of the ,cavites when there was a knock on my door4 ,it was ,butler1 looking red and uncomfortable from the heat1 a spotted red bandana tied1 for some inscrutable reason1 about his head in place of a hat4 8,hope you don't mind my barging in like this but ,i finished a visit with the mayor earlier than ,i thought40 ,he crumpled1 on invitation1 into a chair opposite me4 ,he sighed gloomily4 8,this is going to be tough1 tougher than ,i ever imagined back home40 8,i told you it would be4 ,the ,moslems are very obstinate40 8,i'll say6 and the old devil of a mayor practically told me point-blank that if he caught me proselyting he'd send me back to ,cairo4 ,imagine the nerve60 8,well1 it is their country10 ,i said1 reasonably1 experiencing my first real hope3 might the ,cavites not get themselves expelled from ,islam8 ,i knew the mayor of ,luxor1 a genial merchant who still enjoyed the obsolete title of ,pasha4 ,the possibilities of a daring plot occurred to me4 ,all ,i needed was another year or two by which time nature would have done its work in any case and the conquest of humanity by the ,cavites could then continue its progress without my bitter presence4 ,i looked at ,butler speculatively4 ,he was such a fool4 ,i could1 ,i was sure1 undo him1 for a time at least2 unless of course he was1 as ,i first expected1 an agent come to finish me in fact as absolutely as ,i have been finished in effect by those revisionists who have taken my place among the ,cavites1 arranging history4444 ,i'd experienced1 briefly1 while studying ,butler's copy of the ,testament1 the unnerving sense of having never lived1 of having dreamed the past entire4 8,maybe it is their country but we got the truth1 and like ,paul ,himmell said3 ',a truth known to only half the world is but half a truth4'0 8,did he say that80 8,of course he did4 ,don't you44440 he paused4 ,his eye taking in at last the book in my hand4 ,his expression softened somewhat1 like a parent in anger noticing suddenly an endearing resemblance to himself in the offending child4 8,but ,i forget how isolated you've been up here4 ,if ,i've interrupted your studies1 ,i'll go away40 8,oh no4 ,i was finished when you came4 ,i've been studying for several hours which is too long for an old man40 8,if a contemplation of ,cavesword can ever be too long10 said ,butler reverently4 8,yes1 ,himmell wrote that even before ,cavesword1 in the month of ,march1 ,i believe1 though we'll have to ask my colleague when he comes4 ,he knows all the dates1 all the facts4 ,remarkable guy4 ,he has the brains of the team40 ,and ,butler laughed to show that he was not entirely serious4 8,i think they might respond to pressure10 ,i said1 treacherously4 8,one thing the ,arabs respect is force40 8,you may be right4 ,but our instructions are to go slow4 ,still1 ,i didn't think it would be as slow as this4 ,why we haven't been able to get a building yet4 ,they've all been told by the ,pasha fellow not to rent to us40 8,perhaps ,i could talk to him40 8,do you know him well80 8,we used to play cards quite regularly4 ,i haven't seen much of him in the past few years but1 if you'd like1 ,i'll go and pay him a call40 8,he's known all along you're a ,cavite1 hasn't he80 8,we have kept off the subject of religion entirely4 ,as you probably discovered1 since the division of the world1 there's been little communication between ,east and ,west4 ,i don't think he knows much about the ,cavites except that they're undesirable40 8,poor creature10 said ,butler1 compassionately4 8,outer darkness10 ,i agreed4 8,but mark my words before ten years have passed they will have the truth40 8,i have no doubt of that1 ,communicator1 none at all4 ,if the others who come out have even a tenth of your devotion the work will go fast40 ,the easy words of praise came back to me mechanically from those decades when a large part of my work was organizational1 spurring the mediocre on to great deeds 444 and the truth of the matter has been1 traditionally1 that the unimaginative are the stuff from which heroes and martyrs are invariably made4 8,thanks for those kind words10 said ,butler1 flushed now with pleasure as well as heat4 8,which reminds me1 ,i was going to ask you if you'd like to help us with our work once we get going80 8,i'd like nothing better but ,i'm afraid my years of useful service are over4 ,any advice1 however1 or perhaps influence that ,i may have in ,luxor44440 ,there was a warm moment of mutual esteem and amiability1 broken only by a reference to the ,squad of ,belief4 8,of course we'll have one here in time2 though we can say1 thankfully1 that the need for them in the ,atlantic states is nearly over4 ,naturally1 there are always a few malcontents but we have worked out a statistical ratio of nonconformists in the population which is surprisingly accurate4 ,knowing their incidence1 we are able to check them early4 ,in general1 however1 the truth is happily ascendant everywhere in the really civilized world40 8,what are their methods now80 8,the ,squad of ,belief's8 ,psychological indoctrination4 ,we now have methods of converting even the most obstinate lutherist4 ,of course where usual methods fail 7and once in every fifteen hundred they do71 the ,squad is authorized to remove a section of brain which effectively does the trick of making the lutherist conform1 though his usefulness in a number of other spheres is somewhat impaired3 ,i'm told he has to learn all over again how to talk and to move around40 8,lutherist8 ,i don't recognize the word40 8,you certainly have been cut off from the world40 ,butler looked at me curiously1 almost suspiciously4 8,i thought even in your day that was a common expression4 ,it means anybody who refuses willfully to know the truth40 8,what does it come from80 8,come from80 ,semantics were either no longer taught or else ,butler had never been interested in them4 8,why it just means1 well1 a lutherist40 8,i wonder1 though1 what the derivation of it was40 ,i was excited3 this was the only sign that ,i had ever existed1 a word of obscure origin connoting nonconformist4 8,i'm afraid we'll have to ask my side-kick when he comes4 ,i don't suppose it came from one of those ,christian sects 444 you know the ,german one which broke with ,rome40 8,that must be it10 ,i said4 8,i don't suppose in recent years there have been as many lutherists as there once were40 8,very1 very few4 ,as ,i say1 we've got it down to a calculable minority and our psychologists are trying to work out some method whereby we can spot potential lutherists in childhood and indoctrinate them before it's too late 444 but of course the problem is a negligible one in the ,atlantic states4 ,we've had no serious trouble for forty years40 8,forty years 444 that was the time of all the trouble10 ,i said4 8,not so much trouble10 said ,butler1 undoing the bandana and mopping his face with it4 8,the last flare-up1 ,i gather1 of the old ,christians 444 history makes very little of it though ,i suppose at the time it must have seemed important4 ,now that we have more perspective we can view things in their proper light4 ,i was only a kid in those days and1 frankly1 ,i don't think ,i paid any attention to the papers4 ,of course you remember it40 ,he looked at me suddenly1 his great vacuous eyes focused4 ,my heart missed one of its precarious beats3 was this the beginning8 had the inquisition begun8 8,not well10 ,i said4 8,i was seldom in the ,united ,states4 ,i'd been digging in ,central ,america1 in and around the ,peten4 ,i missed most of the trouble40 8,you seem to have missed a good deal40 ,his voice was equable1 without a trace of secondary meaning4 8,i've had a quiet life4 ,i'm grateful though for your coming here2 otherwise4 ,i should have died without any contact with ,america1 without ever knowing what was happening outside the ,arab ,league40 8,well1 we'll shake things up around here40 8,shake well before using10 ,i quoted absently4 8,what did you say80 8,i said ,i hoped all would be well40 8,i'm sure it will4 ,by the way1 ,i brought you the new edition of ,cave's prison dialogues40 ,he pulled a small booklet from his back pocket and handed it to me4 8,thank you40 ,i took the booklet3 dialogues between ,cave and ,iris ,mortimer4 ,i had never before heard of this particular work4 8,is this a recent discovery80 ,i asked4 8,recent8 ,why no4 ,it's the newest edition but of course the text goes right back to the early days when ,cave was in prison40 8,oh1 yes1 in ,california40 8,sure2 it was the beginning of the persecutions4 ,well1 ,i've got to be on my way40 ,he got heavily to his feet and arranged the bandana about his head4 8,somebody stole my hat4 ,persecuting me1 ,i'll bet my bottom dollar 444 little ways4 ,well1 ,i'm prepared for them4 ,they can't stop us4 ,sooner or later the whole world will be ,cavite40 8,amen10 ,i said4 8,what80 ,he looked at me with shock4 8,i'm an old man10 ,i said hastily4 8,you must recall ,i was brought up in the old ,christianity4 ,such expressions still linger on1 you know40 8,it's a good thing there's no ,squad of ,belief in ,luxor10 said ,butler cheerily4 8,they'd have you up for indoctrination in a second40 8,i doubt if it'd be worth their trouble4 ,soon ,i shall be withdrawing from the world altogether40 8,i suppose so4 ,you haven't thought of taking ,cavesway have you80 8,of course1 many times1 but since my health has been good ,i've been in no great hurry to leave my contemplation of those hills40 ,i pointed to the western window4 8,now ,i should hesitate to die until the very last moment1 out of curiosity4 ,i'm eager to learn1 to help as much as possible in your work here40 8,well1 that of course is good news but should you ever want to take his way let me know4 ,we have some marvellous methods now1 extremely pleasant to take and1 as he said1 ',it's not death which is hard but dying4' ,we've finally made dying simply swell40 8,will wonders never cease80 8,in that department1 never6 ,it is the firm basis of our truth4 ,now ,i must be off40 8,is your colleague due here soon80 8,haven't heard recently4 ,i don't suppose the plans have been changed1 though4 ,you'll like him40 8,i'm sure ,i shall40 #b ,and so ,john ,cave's period in jail was now known as the time of persecution1 with a pious prison dialogue attributed to ,iris4 ,before ,i returned to my work of recollection1 ,i glanced at the dialogue whose style was enough like ,iris's to have been her work4 ,but of course her style was not one which could ever have been called inimitable since it was based on the most insistent of twentieth-century advertising techniques4 ,i assumed the book was the work of others1 of those anonymous counterfeiters who had created1 according to a list of publications on the back of the booklet1 a wealth of ,cavite doctrine4 ,the conversation with ,cave in prison was lofty in tone and seemed to deal with moral problems4 ,it was apparent that since the task of governing is largely one of keeping order1 it had become1 with the passage of time1 necessary for the ,cavite rulers to compose in ,cave's name different works of ethical instruction to be used for the guidance and control of the population4 ,i assume that since they now control all records1 all original sources1 it is an easy matter for them to 8discover0 some relevant text which gives clear answer to any moral or political problem which has not been anticipated in previous commentaries4 ,the work of falsifying records1 expunging names is1 ,i should think1 somewhat more tricky but they seem to have accomplished it in ,cave's ,testament1 brazenly assuming that those who recall the earlier versions will die off in time1 leaving a generation which knows only what they wish it to know1 excepting of course the 8calculable minority0 of nonconformists1 of base ,lutherists4 ,cave's term in prison was far less dramatic than official legend1 though more serious4 ,he was jailed for hit-and-run driving on the highway from ,santa ,monica into ,los ,angeles4 ,i went to see him that evening with ,paul4 ,when we arrived at the jail1 we were not allowed near him though ,paul's lawyers had been permitted to go inside a few minutes before our arrival4 ,iris was sitting in the outer office1 pale and shaken4 ,a bored policeman in uniform sat fatly at a desk at the other end of the office1 ignoring us4 8,they're the best lawyers in ,l4,a410 said ,paul quickly4 8,they'll get him out in no time40 ,iris looked at him bleakly4 8,what happened80 ,i asked1 sitting down beside her on the bench4 8,how did it happen80 8,i wasn't with him40 ,she shook her head several times as though to dispel a profound daydream4 8,he called me and ,i called you4 ,they are the best1 ,paul80 8,i can vouch that44440 8,did he kill anybody80 8,we 444 we don't know yet4 ,he hit an old man and went on driving4 ,i don't know why2 ,i mean why he didn't stop4 ,he just went on and the police car caught him4 ,the man's in the hospital now4 ,they say it's bad2 he's unconscious1 an old man 4440 8,any reporters here80 asked ,paul4 8,anybody else know besides us80 8,nobody4 ,you're the only person ,i called40 8,this could wreck everything40 ,paul was frightened4 ,but ,cave was rescued1 at considerable expense to the company4 ,the old man chose not to die immediately while the police and the courts of ,los ,angeles1 at that time well known for their accessibility to free-spending reason1 proved more than obliging4 ,after a day and a night in prison4 ,cave was released on bail and when the case came to court1 it was handled discreetly by the magistrate4 ,the newspapers1 however1 had discovered ,john ,cave at last and there were photographs of 8,present-,day ,messiah in ,court40 ,as ill luck would have it1 the undertakers of ,laguna had come to the aid of their prophet with banners which proclaimed his message4 ,this picketing of the court was photographed and exhibited in the tabloids4 ,paul was in a frenzy4 ,publicist though he was1 in his first rage he expressed to me the novel sentiment that not all publicity was good4 8,but we'll get back at those bastards10 he said grimly1 not identifying which ones he meant but waving toward the city hidden by the ,venetian blinds of his office window4 99 99 99 99 99 ,i asked for instructions4 ,cave had1 the day before1 gone back to ,washington to lie low until the time was right for a triumphant reappearance4 ,iris had gone with him2 on a separate plane1 however1 to avoid scandal4 ,clarissa had sent various heartening if confused messages from ,new ,york while ,paul and ,i were left alone to gather up the pieces and begin again4 ,our close association during those difficult days impressed me with his talents and though1 fundamentally1 ,i still found him appalling1 ,i couldn't help but admire his superb operativeness4 8,i'm going ahead with the original plan 444 just like none of this happened4 ,the stockholders are willing and we've got enough money1 though not as much as ,i'd like1 for the publicity build-up4 ,i expect ,cave'll pick up some more cash in ,seattle4 ,he always does1 wherever he goes40 8,millionaires just flock to him80 8,strange to tell1 yes4 ,but then nearly everybody does40 8,it's funny since the truth he offers is all there is to it4 ,once experienced1 there's no longer much need for ,cave or for an organization40 ,this of course was the paradox which time and the unscrupulous were bloodily to resolve4 ,paul's answer was reasonable4 8,that's true but there's the problem of sharing it4 ,if millions felt the same way about death the whole world would be happier and1 if it's happier1 why1 it'll be a better place to live in40 8,do you really believe this80 8,still think of me as a hundred percent phony80 ,paul chuckled good-naturedly4 8,well1 it so happens1 ,i do believe that4 ,it also so happens that if this thing clicks we'll have a world organization and if we have that there'll be a big place for number one in it4 ,it's all mixed up1 ,gene4 ,i'd like to hear your motives1 straight from the shoulder40 ,i was not prepared to answer him1 or myself4 ,in fact1 to this day1 my own motives are a puzzle to which there is no single key1 no easy definition4 ,one is not1 after all1 like those classic or neo-classic figures who wore with such splendid mono-maniacal consistency the scarlet of lust or the purple of dominion1 or the bright yellow of madness1 existing not at all beneath their identifying robes4 ,power appealed to me in my youth but only as a minor pleasure and not as an end in itself or even as a means to any private or public end4 ,i enjoyed the idea of guiding and dominating others1 preferably in the mass2 yet1 at the same time1 ,i did not like the boredom of power achieved1 or the silly publicness of a great life4 ,but there was something which1 often against my will and judgment1 precipitated me into deeds and attitudes where the logic of the moment controlled me to such an extent that ,i could not lessen1 if ,i chose1 the momentum of my own wild passage1 or chart its course4 ,i would not have confided this to ,paul even had ,i in those days thought any of it out1 which ,i had not4 ,though ,i was conscious of some fundamental ambivalence in myself1 ,i always felt that should ,i pause for a few moments and question myself1 ,i could easily find answers to these problems4 ,but ,i did not pause4 ,i never asked myself a single question concerning motive4 ,i acted like a man sleeping who was only barely made conscious by certain odd incongruities that he dreams4 ,the secret which later ,i was to discover was still unrevealed to me as ,i faced the efficient vulgarity of ,paul ,himmell across the portable bar which reflected so brightly in its crystal his competence4 8,my motives are perfectly simple10 ,i said1 half-believing what ,i said4 ,in those days the more sweeping the statement the more apt ,i was to give it my fickle allegiance3 motives are simple1 splendid6 simple they are4 8,i want something to do4 ,i'm fascinated by ,cave and ,i believe what he says 444 not that it is so supremely earthshaking4 ,it's been advanced as a theory off and on for two thousand years4 ,kant wrote that he anticipated with delight the luxurious sleep of the grave and the ,gnostics came close to saying the same thing when they promised a glad liberation from life4 ,the ,eastern religions1 about which ,i know very little1 maintain 4440 8,that's it60 ,paul interrupted me eagerly4 8,that's what we want4 ,you just keep on like that4 ,we'll call it ',an ,introduction to ,john ,cave4' ,make a small book out of it4 ,get it published in ,new ,york2 then the company will buy up copies and we'll pass it out free40 8,i'm not so sure that ,i know enough formal philosophy to 4440 8,to hell with that stuff4 ,you just root around and show how the old writers were really ,cavites at heart and then you come to him and put down what he says4 ,why we'll be half-there even before he's on ,,tv60 ,paul lapsed for a moment into a reverie of promotion4 ,i had another drink and felt quite good myself although ,i had serious doubts about my competence to compose philosophy in the popular key4 ,but ,paul's faith was infectious and ,i felt that1 all in all1 with a bit of judicious hedging and recourse to various explicit summaries and definitions1 ,i might put together a respectable ancestry for ,cave whose message1 essentially1 ignored all philosophy1 empiric and orphic1 moving with hypnotic effectiveness to the main proposition3 death and man's acceptance of it4 ,the problems of life were always quite secondary to ,cave1 if not to the rest of us4 8,when will you want this piece done80 8,the sooner the better4 ,here10 he scribbled an address on a pad of paper4 8,this is ,cave's address4 ,he's on a farm outside ,spokane4 ,it belongs to one of his undertaker friends40 8,iris is with him80 8,yes4 ,now you 4440 8,i wonder if that's wise1 ,iris seeing so much of him4 ,you know he's going to have a good many enemies before very long and they'll dig around for any scandal they can find40 8,oh1 it's perfectly innocent1 ,i'm sure4 ,even if it isn't1 ,i can't see how it can do much harm40 8,for a public relations man you don't seem to grasp the possibilities for bad publicity in this situation40 8,all pub 4440 8,is good4 ,but ,cave1 it appears is a genuine ascetic40 ,and the word 8genuine0 as ,i spoke it was like a knife-blade in my heart4 8,and1 since he is1 you have a tremendous advantage in building him up4 ,there's no use in allowing him1 quite innocently1 to appear to philander40 ,paul looked at me curiously4 8,you wouldn't by chance be interested in ,iris yourself80 ,and of course that was it4 ,i had become attached to ,iris in precisely the same sort of way a complete man might have been but of course for me there was no hope1 nothing4 ,the enormity of that nothing shook me1 despite the alcohol we had drunk4 ,i was sufficiently collected1 though1 not to make the mistake of vehemence4 8,i like her very much but ,i'm more attached to the idea of ,cave than ,i am to her4 ,i don't want to see the business get out of hand4 ,that's all4 ,i'm surprised you1 of all people involved1 aren't more concerned40 8,you may have a point4 ,i suppose ,i've got to adjust my views to this thing 444 it's different from my usual work building up crooners and movie stars4 ,in that line the romance angle is swell1 just as long as there're no bigamies or abortions involved4 ,i see your point1 though4 ,with ,cave we have to think in sort of ,legion of ,decency terms4 ,no rough stuff4 ,no nightclub pictures or posing with blondes4 ,you're absolutely right4 ,put that in your piece3 doesn't drink1 doesn't go out with dames44440 ,i laughed at this seriousness4 8,maybe we won't have to go that far4 ,the negative virtues usually shine through all on their own4 ,the minute you draw attention to them you create suspicion3 people are generally pleased to suspect the opposite of every avowal40 8,you talk just like my analyst40 ,and ,i felt that ,i had won1 briefly1 ,paul's admiration4 8,anyway1 you go to ,spokane2 talk to ,iris2 tell her to lay off 444 in a tactful way of course4 ,i wouldn't mention it to him3 you never can tell how he'll react4 ,she'll be reasonable even though ,i suspect she's stuck on the man4 ,try and get your piece done by the first of ,december4 ,i'd like to have it in print for the first of the ,new ,year1 ,cave's year40 8,i'll try40 8,by the way1 we're getting an office 444 same building as this4 ,the directors okayed it and we'll take over as soon as there's some furniture in it40 8,cavites1 ,inc480 8,we could hardly call it the ,church of the ,golden ,rule10 said ,paul with one of the few shows of irritability ,i was ever to observe in his equable disposition4 8,now1 on behalf of the directors1 ,i'm authorized to advance you whatever money you might feel you need for this project2 that is1 within 4440 8,i won't need anything except1 perhaps1 a directorship in the company40 ,my own boldness startled me4 ,paul laughed4 8,that's a good boy4 ,eye on the main chance4 ,well1 we'll see what we can do about that4 ,there aren't any more shares available right now but that doesn't mean4444 ,i'll let you know when you get back from ,spokane40 ,our meeting was ended by the appearance of his secretary who called him away to other business4 ,as we parted in the outer office1 he said1 quite seriously1 8,i don't think ,iris likes him the way you think but if she does be careful4 ,we can't upset ,cave now4 ,this is a tricky time for everyone4 ,don't show that you suspect anything when you're with him4 ,later1 when we're under way1 and there's less pressure1 ,i'll handle it4 ,agreed80 ,i agreed1 secretly pleased at being thought in love 444 8in love10 to this moment the phrase has a strangely foreign sound to me1 like a classical allusion not entirely understood in some decorous1 scholarly text4 8,in love10 ,i whispered to myself in the elevator as ,i left ,paul that evening3 in love with ,iris4 #c ,we met at the ,spokane railroad station and ,iris drove me through the wide1 clear1 characterless streets to a country road which wound east into the hills1 in the direction of a town with the lovely name of ,coeur d',alene4 ,she was relaxed4 ,her ordinarily pale face was faintly burned from the sun while her hair1 which ,i recalled as darkly waving1 was now streaked with light and worn loosely bound at the nape of her neck4 ,she wore no cosmetics and her dress was simple cotton beneath the sweater she wore against the autumn's chill4 ,she looked young1 younger than either of us actually was4 ,at first we talked of ,spokane4 ,she identified mountains and indicated hidden villages with an emphasis on places which sharply recalled ,cave4 ,not until we had turned off the main highway into a country road1 dark with fir and spruce1 did she ask me about ,paul4 8,he's very busy getting the ,new ,year's debut ready4 ,he's also got a set of offices for the company in ,los ,angeles and he's engaged me to write an introduction to ,cave 444 but ,i suppose you knew that when he wired you ,i was coming40 8,it was my idea40 8,my coming8 or the introduction80 8,both4 ,i talked to him about it just before we came up here40 8,and ,i thought he picked it out of the air while listening to me majestically place ,cave among the philosophers40 ,iris smiled4 8,paul's not obvious4 ,he enjoys laying traps and1 as long as they're for one's own good1 he's very useful40 8,implying he could be destructive80 8,immensely4 ,so be on your guard even though ,i don't think he'll harm any of us40 8,how is ,cave80 8,i'm worried1 ,gene4 ,he hasn't got over that accident4 ,he talks about it continually40 8,but the man didn't die40 8,it would be better if he did 444 as it is there's a chance of a lawsuit against ,cave for damages40 8,but he has no money40 8,that doesn't prevent them from suing4 ,worst of all1 though1 would be the publicity4 ,the whole thing has depressed ,john terribly4 ,it was all ,i could do to keep him from announcing to the press that he had almost done the old man a favor40 8,you mean by killing him80 ,iris nodded1 quite seriously4 8,that's actually what he believes and the reason why he drove on40 8,i'm glad he said nothing like that to the papers40 8,but it's true2 his point of view is exactly right40 8,except that the old man might regard the situation in a different light and1 in any case1 he was badly hurt and did not receive ,cave's gift of death40 8,now you're making fun of ,john40 ,she frowned and drove fast on the empty road4 8,i'm doing no such thing4 ,i'm absolutely serious4 ,there's a moral problem involved which is extremely important and if a precedent is set too early1 a bad one like this1 there's no predicting how things will turn out40 8,you mean the 444 the gift as you call it should only be given voluntarily80 8,exactly 444 if then1 and only in extreme cases4 ,think what might happen if those who listened to ,cave decided to make all their friends and enemies content by killing them40 8,well1 ,i wish you'd talk to him40 ,she smiled sadly4 8,i'm afraid ,i don't always see things clearly when ,i'm with him4 ,you know how he is 444 how he convinces40 8,i'll talk to him tactfully4 ,i've also got to get a statement of belief from him40 8,but you have it already4 ,we all have it40 8,then ,i'll want some moral application of it4 ,we have so much ground to cover yet40 8,there's the farm1 up there on the hill40 ,a white frame building stood shining among elms on a low hill at the foot of blue sharp mountains4 ,she turned up a dirt road and1 in silence1 we arrived at the house4 ,an old woman1 the cook1 greeted us familiarly and told ,iris that he could be found in the study4 ,in a small warm room1 sitting beside a stone fireplace empty of fire1 ,cave sat1 a scrapbook on his knees1 his expression vague1 unfocused4 ,our arrival recalled him from some dense reverie4 ,he got to his feet quickly and shook hands2 8,i'm glad you came10 he said4 8,i wanted to see you10 ,i said awkwardly3 it was ,cave's particular gift to strike a note of penetrating sincerity at all times1 even in his greetings which became1 as a result1 disconcertingly like benedictions4 ,iris excused herself and ,i sat beside him in front of the fireplace4 8,have you seen these80 he asked1 pushing the scrapbook toward me4 ,i took it and nodded when ,i saw1 neatly pasted and labeled1 the various newspaper stories concerning the accident4 ,it had got a surprisingly large amount of space as though1 instinctively1 the editors had anticipated a coming celebrity for 8,hit-and-,run ,prophet40 8,look what they say about me40 8,i've read them all10 ,i said1 handing the scrapbook back to him1 a little surprised that1 considering his unworldliness1 he had bothered to keep such careful track of his appearance in the press4 ,it showed a new1 rather touching side to him3 he was like an actor hoarding his notices1 good and bad4 8,i don't think it's serious3 after all you were let off by the court1 and the man didn't die40 8,it was an accident of course yet that old man nearly received the greatest gift a man can have1 a quick death4 ,i wanted to tell the court that4 ,i could've convinced them1 ,i'm sure1 but ,paul said no4 ,it was the first time ,i've ever gone against my own instinct and ,i don't like it40 ,emphatically1 he shut the book4 ,we watched the cook who came into the room and lit the fire4 ,when the first crackling filled the room and the pine had caught1 she left1 observing that we were to eat in an hour4 8,you want to wash up80 asked ,cave mechanically1 his eyes on the fire1 his hands clasped in his lap like those dingy marble replicas of hands which decorate medieval tombs3 that night there was an unhuman look to ,cave3 pale1 withdrawn1 inert 444 his lips barely moving when he spoke1 as though another's voice spoke through senseless flesh4 8,no thanks10 ,i said1 a little chilled by his tone1 by his remoteness4 ,i got him off the subject of the accident as quickly as possible and we talked until dinner of the introduction ,i was to write4 ,it was most enlightening4 ,as ,i suspected1 ,cave had read only the ,bible and that superficially1 just enough to be able1 at crucial moments1 to affect the seventeenth-century prose of the translators and to confound thereby simple listeners with the familiar authority of his manner4 ,his knowledge of philosophy did not even encompass the names of the principals4 ,plato and ,aristotle rang faint1 unrelated bells and with them the meager carillon ended4 8,i don't know why you want to drag in those people10 he said1 after ,i had suggested ,zoroaster as a possible point of beginning4 8,most people have never heard of them either4 ,and what ,i have to say is all my own4 ,it doesn't tie in with any of them or1 if it does1 it's a coincidence because ,i never picked it up anywhere40 8,i think1 though1 that it would help matters if we did provide a sort of family tree for you1 to show44440 8,i don't40 ,he gestured with his effigy-hands4 8,let them argue about it later4 ,for now1 act like this is a new beginning1 which it is4 ,i have only one thing to give people and that is the way to die without fear1 gladly 444 to accept nothing for what it is1 a long and dreamless sleep40 ,i had to fight against that voice1 those eyes which as always1 when he chose1 could dominate any listener4 ,despite my close association with him1 despite the thousands of times ,i heard him speak1 ,i was never1 even in moments of lucid disenchantment1 quite able to resist his power4 ,he was a magician in the great line of ,simon ,magus and the ,faust of legend4 ,that much1 even now1 ,i will acknowledge 444 his divinity1 however1 was and is the work of others1 shaped and directed by the race's recurrent need4 ,i surrendered in the name of philosophy with a certain relief1 and he spoke in specific terms of what he believed and what ,i should write in his name4 ,it was not until after dinner that we got around1 all three of us1 to a problem which was soon to absorb us all1 with near-disastrous results4 ,we had been talking amiably of neutral things and ,cave had emerged somewhat from his earlier despondency4 ,he got on to the subject of the farm where we were1 of its attractiveness and remoteness1 of its owner who lived in ,spokane4 8,i always liked old ,smathers4 ,you'd like him too4 ,he's got one of the biggest funeral parlors in the state4 ,i used to work for him and then1 when ,i started on all this1 he backed me up to the hilt4 ,lent me money to get as far as ,san ,francisco4 ,after that of course it was easy4 ,i paid him back every cent40 8,does he get here often80 ,cave shook his head4 8,no1 he lets me use the farm but he keeps away4 ,he says he doesn't approve of what ,i'm doing4 ,you see he's ,catholic40 8,but he still likes ,john10 said ,iris who had been stroking a particularly ugly yellow cat beside the fire4 ,so it was ,john now1 ,i thought4 ,iris was the only person ever to call him by his first name4 8,yes4 ,he's a good friend40 8,there'll be a lot of trouble1 you know10 ,i said4 8,from ,smathers80 8,no1 from the ,catholics1 from the ,christians40 8,you really think so80 ,cave looked at me curiously4 ,i believe that until that moment he had never realized the inevitable collision of his point of view with that of the established religions4 8,of course ,i do4 ,they've constructed an entire ethical system upon a supernatural foundation whose main strength is the promise of a continuation of human personality after death4 ,you are rejecting grace1 heaven1 hell1 the ,trinity 4440 8,i've never said anything about the ,trinity or about ,christianity40 8,but you'll have to say something about it sooner or later4 ,if--or rather when--the people begin to accept you1 the churches will fight back and the greater the impression you make the more fierce their attack40 8,i suspect ,john is the anti-,christ10 said ,iris and ,i saw from her expression that she was perfectly serious4 8,he's come to undo all the wickedness of the ,christians40 8,though not1 ,i hope1 of ,christ10 ,i said4 8,there's some virtue in his legend1 even as corrupted at ,nicea three centuries after the fact40 8,i'll have to think about it10 said ,cave4 8,i don't know that ,i've ever given it much thought before4 ,i've spoken always what ,i knew was true and there's never been any opposition1 at least that ,i've been aware of1 to my face4 ,it never occurred to me that people who like to think of themselves as ,christians couldn't accept both me and ,christ at the same time4 ,i know ,i don't promise the kingdom of heaven but ,i do promise oblivion and the loss of self1 of pain44440 8,gene is right10 said ,iris4 8,they'll fight you hard4 ,you must get ready now while you still have time to think it out1 before ,paul puts you to work and you'll never have a moment's peace again40 8,as bad as that1 you think80 ,cave sighed wistfully4 8,but how to get ready8 ,what shall ,i do8 ,i never think things out1 you know4 ,everything occurs to me on the spot4 ,i can never tell what may occur to me next4 ,it happens only when ,i speak to people4 ,when ,i'm alone1 ,i seldom think of the 444 the main things2 yet1 when ,i'm in a group talking to them ,i hear 444 no1 not hear1 ,i feel voices telling me what ,i should say4 ,that's why ,i never prepare a talk1 why ,i don't really like to have them taken down3 they're something which are meant only for the instant they are conceived 444 a child1 if you like1 made for just a moment's life by the people listening and myself speaking4 ,i don't mean to sound touched10 he added1 with a sudden smile4 8,i'm not really hearing things but ,i do get something from those people1 something besides the thing ,i tell them4 ,i seem to become a part of them1 as though what goes on in their minds also goes on in me1 at the same time1 two lobes to a single brain40 8,we know that1 ,john10 said ,iris softly4 8,we've felt it40 8,i suppose1 then1 that's the key10 said ,cave4 8,though it isn't much to write about2 you can't put it across without me to say it40 8,you may be wrong there10 ,i said4 8,of course in the beginning you will say the word but ,i think in time1 properly managed1 everyone will accept it on the strength of evidence and statement1 responding to the chain of forces you have set in motion40 ,yet for all the glibness with which ,i spoke1 ,i did not really believe that ,cave would prove to be more than an interesting momentary phenomenon whose 8truth0 about death might1 at best1 contribute in a small way to the final abolition of those old warring superstitions which had mystified and troubled men for twenty dark centuries4 ,a doubt which displayed my basic misunderstanding of our race's will to death and1 worse1 to a death in life made radiant by false dreams1 by desperate adjurations4 ,but that evening we spoke only of a bright future3 8,to begin again is the important thing10 ,i said4 8,christianity1 though strong as an organization in this country1 is weak as a force because1 finally1 the essential doctrine is not accepted by most of the people3 the idea of a man-like ,god dispensing merits and demerits at time's exotic end40 8,we are small10 said ,cave4 8,in space1 on this tiny planet1 we are nothing4 ,death brings us back to the whole4 ,we lose this instant of awareness1 of suffering1 like spray in the ocean3 there it forms 444 there it goes1 back to the sea40 8,i think people will listen to you because they realize now that order1 if there is any1 has never been revealed1 that death is the end of personality even for those passionate1 self-important ',i's' who insist upon a universal deity like themselves1 carefully presented backwards in order not to give the game away40 8,how dark1 how fine the grave must be6 only sleep and an end of days1 an end of fear3 the end of fear in the grave as the ',i' goes back to nothing44440 8,how wonderful life will be when men no longer fear dying6 ,when the last superstitions are thrown out and we meet death with the same equanimity that we have met life4 ,no longer will children's minds be twisted by evil1 demanding1 moralizing gods whose fantastic origin is in those barbaric tribes who feared death and lightning1 who feared life4 ,that's it3 life is the villain to those maniacs who preach reward in death3 grace and eternal bliss 444 or dark revenge44440 8,neither revenge nor reward1 only the not-knowing in the grave which is the same for all44440 8,and without those inhuman laws1 what societies we might build6 ,take the morality of ,christ4 ,begin there1 or even earlier with ,plato or earlier yet with ,zoroaster 444 take the best ideas of the best men and should there be any disagreement as to what is best1 use life as the definition1 life as the measure3 what contributes most to the living is the best40 8,but the living is soon done and the sooner done the better4 ,i envy those who have already gone44440 8,if they listen to you1 ,cave1 it will be like the unlocking of a prison4 ,at first they may go wild but then1 on their own1 they will find ways to life4 ,fear and punishment in death has seldom stopped the murderer's hand4 ,the only two things which hold him from his purpose are1 at the worst1 fear of reprisal from society and1 at the best1 a feeling for life1 a love for all that lives 444 and not the wide-smiling idiot's love but a sense of the community of the living1 of life's marvelous regency 444 even the most ignorant has felt this4 ,life is all while death is only the irrelevant shadow at the end1 the counterpart to that instant before the seed lives40 ,yes1 ,i believed all that1 all that and more too1 and ,i felt ,cave was the same as ,i2 by removing fear with that magic of his1 he would fulfill certain hopes of my own and 7,i flatter myself perhaps7 of the long line of others1 nobler than ,i1 who had been equally engaged in attempting to use life more fully4 ,and so that evening it welled up suddenly3 the hidden conviction behind a desultory life broke through that chill hard surface of disappointment and disgust which had formed a brittle carapace about my heart4 ,i had1 after all1 my truth too1 and ,cave had got to it1 broken the shell 444 and for that ,i shall remain grateful 444 until we are at last the same1 both taken by dust4 ,excitedly1 we talked 444 ,i talked mostly1 ,i think4 ,cave was the theme and ,i the counterpoint or so ,i thought4 ,he had stated it and ,i built on it1 built outward from what ,i conceived to be the luminosity of his vision4 ,our dialogue was one of communion1 ,i believed and he believed too4 ,only ,iris guessed1 even then1 that it was not4 ,she saw the difference2 she was conscious of the division which that moment had1 unknown to either of us1 separated me from ,cave4 ,each time ,i said 8life10 he said 8death40 ,in true amity but false concord war began4 ,iris1 more practical than we1 deflated our visions by pulling the dialogue gently back to reality1 to ways and dull means4 ,it was agreed that we had agreed on fundamentals1 that the end of fear was desirable2 that superstition should be exorcised from human affairs2 that the ethical systems expressed by the major religious figures from ,zoroaster to ,mohammed all contained useful and applicable ideas of societal behavior which need not be entirely discarded4 ,at ,iris's suggestion1 we left the problem of ,christianity itself completely alone4 ,cave's truth was sufficient cause for battle4 ,there was no reason1 she felt1 for antagonizing the ultimate enemy at the very beginning4 8,let them attack you1 ,john4 ,you must be above quarreling2 you must act as if they are too much in error even to notice40 8,i reckon ,i am above it10 said ,cave and he sounded almost cheerful for the first time since my arrival4 8,i want no trouble1 but if trouble comes ,i don't intend to back down4 ,i'll just go on saying what ,i know40 ,at midnight1 ,cave excused himself and went to bed4 ,iris and ,i sat silently before the last red embers on the hearth4 ,i sensed that something had gone wrong but ,i could not tell then what it was4 ,when she spoke1 her manner was abrupt3 8,do you really want to go on with this80 8,what an odd time to ask me that4 ,of course ,i do4 ,tonight's the first time ,i really saw what it was ,cave meant1 what it was ,i'd always felt but never before known1 consciously1 that is4 ,i couldn't be more enthusiastic40 8,i hope you don't change40 8,why so glum8 ,what are you trying to say8 ,after all you got me into this40 8,i know ,i did and ,i think ,i was right4 ,it's only that this evening ,i felt 444 well1 ,i don't know4 ,perhaps ,i'm getting a bit on edge40 ,she smiled and1 through all the youth and health1 ,i saw that she was anxious and ill-at-ease4 8,that business about the accident80 8,mainly1 yes4 ,the lawyers say that now that the old man's all right he'll try to collect damages4 ,he'll sue ,cave40 8,nasty publicity40 8,the worst4 ,it's upset ,john terribly 444 he almost feels it's an omen40 8,i thought we were dispensing with all that1 with miracles and omens40 ,i smiled but she did not4 8,speak for yourself40 ,she got up and pushed at the coals with the fire shovel4 8,paul says he'll handle everything but ,i don't see how4 ,there's no way he can stop a lawsuit40 ,but ,i was tired of this one problem which was1 all things considered1 out of our hands in any case4 ,i asked her about herself and ,cave4 8,is it wise my being up here with ,john1 alone8 ,no1 ,i'm afraid not but that's the way it is40 ,her voice was hard and her back which was turned to me grew stiff1 her movements with the fire shovel angry and abrupt4 8,people will use it against both of you4 ,it may hurt him1 and all of us40 ,she turned suddenly1 her face flushed4 8,i can't help it1 ,gene4 ,i swear ,i can't4 ,i've tried to keep away4 ,i almost flew ,east with ,clarissa but when he asked me to join him here1 ,i did4 ,i couldn't leave him40 8,will marriage be a part of the new order80 8,don't joke40 ,she sat down angrily in a noise of skirts crumpling4 8,cave must never marry4 ,besides it's 444 it isn't like that40 8,really8 ,i must confess ,i 4440 8,thought we were having an affair8 ,well1 it's not true40 ,the rigidity left her as suddenly as it had possessed her4 ,she grew visibly passive1 even helpless1 in the worn upholstered chair1 her eyes on me1 the anger gone and only weakness left4 8,what can ,i do80 ,it was a cry from the heart 444 all the more touching because1 obviously1 she had not intended to tell me this4 ,she'd turned to me because there was no one else to whom she could talk4 8,you 444 love him80 ,that word which whenever ,i spoke it in those days always stuck in my throat like a diminutive sob4 8,more1 more10 she said distractedly4 8,but ,i can't do anything or be anything4 ,he's complete4 ,he doesn't need anyone4 ,he doesn't want me except as 444 a companion1 and advisor like you or ,paul 444 it's all the same to him40 8,i don't see that it's hopeless40 8,hopeless60 ,the word snot from her like a desperate deed4 ,she buried her face in her hands but she did not weep4 ,i sat awkwardly1 inadequately watching her4 ,the noise of a clock alone separated us3 its dry ticking kept the silence from falling in about our heads4 ,finally1 she dropped her hands and turned toward me with her usual grace1 8,you mustn't take me too seriously10 she said4 8,or ,i mustn't take myself too seriously which is more to the point4 ,cave doesn't really need me or anyone and we 444 ,i1 perhaps you1 certainly others1 need him4 ,it's best no one try to claim him all as a woman would do1 as ,i might1 given the chance40 ,she rose4 8,it's late and you must be tired4 ,don't ever mention to anyone what ,i've told you tonight 444 especially to ,john4 ,if he knew the way ,i felt44440 ,she left it at that4 ,i gave my promise and we went to our rooms4 ,i stayed two days at the farm1 listening to ,cave who continually referred to the accident3 he was almost petulant1 as though the whole business were an irrelevant1 gratuitous trick played on him by a malicious old man4 ,his days were spent reading his mail 7there was quite a bit of it even then71 composing answers which ,iris typed out for him1 and walking in the wooded hills which surrounded the farm on two sides4 ,the weather was sharp and bright and the wind1 when it blew1 tasted of ice from the glaciers in the vivid mountains3 winter was nearly with us and red leaves decorated the wind1 so many ribbons for so much summer color4 ,only the firs remained unchanged1 warm and dark in the bright chill days4 ,cave and ,i would walk together while ,iris remained indoors1 working4 ,he was a good walker1 calm1 unhurried1 sure-footed1 and he knew all the trails beneath the yellow and red leaves fallen4 ,cave agreed with me on most of my ideas concerning the introduction2 and ,i promised to send him my first draft as soon as ,i'd got it done4 ,he was genuinely indifferent to the philosophic aspect of what he preached4 ,he acted almost as if he did not want to hear of those others who had approached the great matter in a similar way4 ,when ,i talked to him of the fourth-century ,donatists who detested life and loved heaven so much that they would request strangers to kill them1 magistrates to execute them for no crime1 he stopped me3 8,i don't want to hear all that4 ,that's finished4 ,all that's over4 ,we want new things now40 ,iris1 too1 seemed uninterested in any formalizing of ,cave's thought though she saw its necessity and wished me well1 suggesting that ,i not ever intimate derivation since1 in fact1 there had been none3 what he was1 he had become on his own1 uninstructed4 ,during our walks1 ,i got to know ,cave as well as ,i was ever to know him4 ,he was indifferent1 ,i think1 to everyone4 ,he gave one his private time in precise ratio to one's belief in him and importance to his work4 ,with groups1 with the masses1 he was another creature3 warm1 intoxicating1 human1 yet transcendent 444 a part of each human being who beheld him at such times1 the longed-for complement to the common soul4 ,yet though ,i found him1 as a human being1 without much warmth or intellectual interest ,i nevertheless identified him with the release ,i'd known in his presence and1 for this new certainty of life's value and of death's irrelevance1 ,i loved him4 ,on the third day ,i made up my mind to go back ,east and do the necessary writing in ,new ,york1 away from ,paul's hectic influence and ,cave's advice4 ,cave asked me to stay with him for the rest of the week but ,i could see that ,iris regarded me now as a potential danger1 a keeper of secrets who might1 despite promises1 prove to be disloyal2 and so1 to set her mind at ease as well as to suit my own new plans1 ,i told her after lunch on the third day1 when we were for a moment alone in the study1 that ,i had said nothing to ,cave1 that ,i was ready to go back that evening if she would drive me to ,spokane4 8,you're a good friend10 she said4 8,i made a fool of myself the other night4 ,i wish you'd forget it 444 forget everything ,i said40 8,i'll never mention it4 ,now1 the problem is how ,i can leave here gracefully4 ,cave just asked me this morning to stay on and 4440 ,but ,i was given a perfect means of escape4 ,cave came running into the room1 his eyes shining4 8,paul6 ,i've just talked to ,paul in ,l4,a4 ,it's all over6 ,no heirs1 nothing1 no lawsuit4 ,no damages to pay40 8,what's happened80 ,iris stopped him in his excitement4 8,the old man's dead60 8,oh ,lord60 ,iris went gray4 8,that means a manslaughter charge60 8,no1 no 444 not because of the accident4 ,he was in another accident4 ,a truck hit him the day after he left the hospital4 ,yesterday4 ,he was killed instantly 444 lucky devil3 and of course we're in luck too40 8,did they find who hit him80 ,i asked1 suddenly suspicious4 ,iris looked at me fiercely4 ,she had got it too4 8,no4 ,paul said it was a hit-and-run4 ,he said this time the police didn't find who did it4 ,paul said his analyst calls it 'a will to disaster' 444 he wanted to be run over4 ,of course that's hardly a disaster but the analyst thinks the old way40 ,i left that afternoon for ,new ,york1 leaving ,cave jubilantly making plans for the ,new ,year3 everything was again possible4 ,neither ,iris nor ,i mentioned what we both knew 444 each of us1 in our different way1 accommodating the first of many crimes1 as we drove across the smoky hills to ,spokane4 ,,six #a 8,the tone1 dear ,gene1 has all the unction1 all the earnest turgidity of a theologian4 ,you are perfect40 ,clarissa beamed at me wickedly over lunch in the ,plaza ,hotel4 ,we sat at a table beside a great plate-glass window through which we could see the frosted bleak expanse of ,central ,park1 dingy in city snow1 ringed by buildings like so many mountain peaks1 monotonous in their sharp symmetry4 ,the sky was sullen1 gray with more snow to fall4 ,the year was nearly over4 8,i thought it really quite to the point10 ,i said loftily but with an anxious look at the thin black volume between us which was that day to be published4 ,the hasty work of one hectic month released in record time by a connection of ,paul ,himmell's4 8,it's pure nonsense1 your historical part4 ,i know1 though ,i confess ,i was never one for the philosophers in those days 444 dreary egotistical men1 worse than the actors and not half so lovely4 ,waiter1 ,i will have a melon3 out of season ,i hope4 ,i suggest you have it too4 ,it's light40 ,i ordered pot-de-crme1 the heaviest dessert on the menu4 8,i've made you angry10 ,clarissa pretended contrition4 8,i was only trying to compliment you4 ,what ,i meant was that the sort of thing you're doing ,i think is nonsense only because action is what counts1 action on any level 444 not theorizing40 8,there's a certain action to thinking1 you know1 even to writing about the thoughts of others40 8,oh1 darling1 don't sound so stuffy4 ,your dessert1 by the way1 poisons the liver4 ,oh1 isn't that ,bishop ,winston over there by the door1 in tweed8 ,in mufti1 eh1 ,bishop80 ,the ,bishop1 who was passing our table in the company of a handsomely pale youth whose contemplation of orders shone in his face like some cherished sin1 stopped and1 with a smile1 shook ,clarissa's hand4 8,ah1 how are you8 ,i missed you the other night at ,agnes's4 ,she told me you've been engaged in social work40 8,a euphemism1 ,bishop40 ,clarissa introduced me and the prelate moved on to his table1 a robust gray-haired man with good coloring and a look of ease4 8,catholic80 8,no1 ,episcopal4 ,i like them the best1 ,i think4 ,they adore society and good works 444 spiritual ,whigs you might call them1 a civilizing influence4 ,best of all1 so few of them believe in ,god1 unlike the ,catholics or those terrible ,calvinist peasants who are forever saving themselves and damning others40 8,i think1 ,clarissa1 you're much too hard on the ,episcopalians4 ,i'm sure they must believe what they preach4 ,at least the clergy do40 8,well1 we shall probably never know4 ,social work6 ,i knew ,agnes would come up with something altogether wrong4 ,still1 ,i'm just as glad it's not out yet4 ,not until the big debut tomorrow afternoon4 ,i hope you've made arrangements to be near a television set4 ,no8 ,then come to my place and we'll see it together4 ,cave's asked us both to the station1 by the way1 but ,i think it better if we not distract him40 8,iris came ,east with him80 8,indeed she did4 ,they both arrived last night4 ,i thought you'd talked to her40 8,no4 ,i haven't been in touch with either of them since ,i got back to ,new ,york4 ,paul's the only one ,i ever see40 8,he keeps the whole thing going1 ,i must say4 ,one of those born organizers4 ,now6 what about you and ,iris80 ,this came so suddenly1 without preparation1 that it took me a suspiciously long time to answer1 weakly3 8,i don't know what you mean4 ,what about ,iris and me80 8,darling1 ,i know everything40 ,she looked at me in her eager1 predatory way3 ,i was secretly pleased that1 in this particular case at least1 she knew nothing4 8,then tell me40 8,you're in love with her and she's classically involved with ,cave40 8,classical seems to be the wrong word4 ,nothing has happened and nothing will happen40 8,i suppose she told you this herself40 ,i was trapped for a moment4 ,clarissa1 even in error1 was shrewd and if one was not on guard she would quickly cease to be in error1 at one's expense4 8,no1 not exactly2 but ,paul who does1 ,i think1 know everything about our affairs assures me that nothing has happened1 that ,cave is not interested in women40 8,in men80 8,i thought you were all-knowing4 ,no1 not in men nor in wild animals nor1 does it seem1 from the evidence ,paul's collected1 in anything except ,john ,cave4 ,sex does not happen for him40 8,oh10 said ,clarissa1 exhaling slowly1 significantly1 inscrutably4 ,she abandoned her first line of attack to ask3 8,but you are crazy about ,iris1 aren't you8 ,that's what ,i'd intended1 you know1 when ,i brought you two together40 8,i thought it was to bring me into ,cave's orbit40 8,that1 too1 but somehow ,i saw you and ,iris 444 well1 you're obviously going to give me no satisfaction so ,i shall be forced to investigate on my own40 8,not to sound too auctorial1 too worried1 do you think it will get ,cave across8 the introduction here80 8,i see no reason why not4 ,look at the enormous success of those books with tides like ',eternal ,bliss ,can ,be ,yours for the ,asking' or ',happiness at ,your ,beck-and-,call4'0 8,i'm a little more ambitious40 8,not in the least4 ,but the end served is the same4 ,you got down the main line of ,cave's thinking1 if it can be called thinking4 ,and your book1 along with his presence1 should have an extraordinary effect40 8,do you really think so8 ,i've begun to doubt40 8,indeed ,i do4 ,they are waiting 444 all those sad millions who want to believe will find him exactly right for their purposes4 ,he exists only to be believed in4 ,he's a natural idol 444 did you know that when ,constantine moved his court to the ,east1 his heirs were trained by ,eastern courtiers to behave like idols and when his son came in triumph back to ,rome 7what a day that was6 hot1 but exciting7 he rode for hours through the crowded streets without once moving a finger or changing expression1 a perfectly trained god4 ,we were all so impressed 4440 ,i cut this short4 8,has it occurred to you that they might not want to believe anything1 just like you and me40 8,nonsense 444 and it's rude to interrupt1 dear1 even a garrulous relic like myself 444 yet after all1 in a way1 we do believe what ,cave says4 ,death is there and he makes it seem perfectly all right1 oblivion and the rest of it4 ,and dying does rather upset a lot of people4 ,have you noticed one thing that the devoutly superstitious can never understand is the fact that though we do not accept the fairy tale of reward or punishment beyond the grave we still are reluctant to 'pass on1' as the nuts say8 ,as though the prospect of nothing isn't really1 in a way1 without friend ,cave to push one into acceptance1 perfectly ghastly1 much worse than toasting on a grid like that poor saint up north4 ,but now ,i must fly4 ,come to the apartment at seven and ,i'll give you dinner4 ,he's on at eight4 ,afterwards they'll all join us40 ,clarissa flew4 ,i spent the afternoon gloomily walking up and down ,fifth ,avenue filled with doubt and foreboding1 wishing now that ,i had never lent myself to the conspiracy1 confident of its failure and of the rude laughter or1 worse1 the tactful silence of friends who would be astonished to find that after so many years of promise and reflection my first book should prove to be an apologia for an obscure evangelist whose only eminence was that of having mesmerized myself and an energetic publicist1 among a number of others more likely perhaps than we1 to take to a crank4 ,the day did nothing to improve my mood and it was in a most depressed state that ,i went finally to ,clarissa's baroque apartment on one of the better streets and dined with her quietly1 infecting her1 ,i was darkly pleased to note1 with my own grim mood4 ,by the time ,cave was announced on the vast television screen1 ,i had reduced ,clarissa1 for one of the few times in our acquaintance1 to silence4 ,yet as the lights in the room mechanically dimmed1 as the screen grew bright with color and an announcer came into focus1 ,i was conscious of a quickening of my pulse1 of a certain excitement4 ,here it was at last1 the result of nearly a year's careful planning4 ,soon1 in a matter of minutes1 we would know4 ,to my surprise ,paul ,himmell was introduced by the announcer who identified him perfunctorily1 saying that the following half hour had been bought by ,cavite1 ,inc4 ,paul spoke briefly1 earnestly4 ,he was nervous1 ,i could see1 and his eyes moved from left to right disconcertingly as he read his introduction from cards out of view of the camera4 ,he described ,cave briefly as a teacher1 as a highly regarded figure in the ,west4 ,he implied it was as a public service1 the rarest of philanthrophies1 that a group of industrialists and businessmen were sponsoring ,cave this evening4 ,then ,paul walked out of range of the camera leaving1 briefly1 a view of a chair and a table behind which a handsome blue velvet curtain fell in rich graceful folds from the invisible ceiling to an imitation marble floor4 ,an instant later1 ,cave walked into view4 ,both ,clarissa and ,i leaned forward in our chairs tensely1 eagerly1 anxiously3 we were there as well as he4 ,this was our moment too4 ,my hands grew cold and my throat dry4 ,cave was equal to the moment4 ,he looked tall3 the scale of the table1 the chair was exactly right4 ,he wore a dark suit and a dark unfigured tie with a white shirt that gave him an austereness which1 in person1 he lacked4 ,i saw ,paul's stage-managing in this4 ,he moved easily into range1 his eyes cast down4 ,not until he had placed himself in front of the table and the camera had squarely centered him1 did he look up1 look directly into the lens4 ,clarissa gasped and ,i felt suddenly pierced3 the camera1 the lights had magnified rather than diminished his power4 ,it made no difference now what he said4 ,the magic was working4 ,clarissa and ,i sat in the twilight of her drawing room1 entirely concentrated on that vivid screen1 on the dark figure upon rich blue1 on the pale eyes and the hands which seldom moved4 ,it was like some fascinating scene in a skillful play which1 quite against one's wish and aesthetic judgment1 pulled one to it1 became1 at least for that short time beyond real time1 a part of one's own private drama of existence1 all sharpened by artifice1 by calculated magic4 ,not until ,cave was nearly finished did those first words of his1 spoken so easily1 so quietly1 begin to come back to me as he repeated them in his coda4 ,his voice increasing a little in volume1 yet still not hurrying1 not forcing1 not breaking the mood which his first glance had created and which voice and eyes together maintained without once letting go4 ,the burden of his words was1 as always1 the same4 ,yet this time it seemed more awesome1 more final1 undeniable 444 in short1 the truth4 ,though ,i'd always accepted his first premise1 ,i had never been much impressed by the ways he found of stating it1 even though ,i always responded to his particular power4 ,this night1 before the camera and in the sight of millions1 he perfected his singular art of communication and the world was his4 ,when he finished1 ,clarissa and ,i sat for a moment in complete silence1 the chirping of a commercial the only sound in the room4 ,at last she said3 8,the brandy is over there on the console4 ,get me some40 ,then she switched off the screen from her chair and the lights of the room brightened again4 8,i feel dragged through a wringer10 she said after her first mouthful of brandy4 8,i had no idea it would work so well1 like this1 on television40 ,i felt strangely empty1 let down4 ,there was hardly any doubt now of ,cave's effectiveness yet ,i felt joyless and depleted1 as though part of my life had gone1 leaving an ache4 8,what a time we're going to have40 ,clarissa was beginning to recover4 8,i'll bet there are a million letters by morning and ,paul will be doing a jig40 8,i hope this is the right thing1 ,clarissa4 ,it would be terrible if it weren't40 8,of course it's right 444 whatever that means3 if it works it's right 444 perfectly simple4 ,such conceptions are all a matter of fashion anyway4 ,one year women expose only their ankle2 the next year their derrire4 ,what's right one year is wrong the next4 ,if ,cave captures the popular imagination1 he'll be right until someone better comes along40 8,a little cynical40 ,but ,clarissa was only repeating my own usual line4 ,i was1 or had been until that night on the ,washington farm1 a contented relativist4 ,cave1 however1 had jolted me into new ways and ,i was bewildered by the change1 by the prospect ahead4 #b ,that evening was a time of triumph1 at least for ,cave's companions4 ,they arrived noisily4 ,paul seemed drunk1 manically exhilarated1 while ,iris glowed in a formal gown of green shot with gold4 ,two men accompanied them1 one a doctor whose name ,i didn't catch at first and the other a man from the television network who looked wonderfully sleek and pleased and kept patting ,cave on the arm every now and then1 as if to assure himself he'd not vanished in smoke and fire4 ,cave1 still dressed in his dark suit1 was mute4 ,he sat answering questions and replying to compliments with grave nods of his head4 ,he sat in a high brocaded chair beside the fire and drank tea which ,clarissa1 knowing his habits1 had ordered in advance for him4 ,after our first burst of greetings at the door ,i did not speak to ,cave again and soon the others left him alone and talked around him1 about him yet through him1 as though he had become invisible 444 which seemed the case when he was not speaking1 when those extraordinary eyes were veiled or cast down1 as they were now1 moodily studying the teacup1 the pattern in the ,aubusson rug at his feet4 ,i crossed the room to where ,iris sat on the wide couch4 ,the doctor1 in the chair close to her1 snuffled brandy and said1 as ,i joined them3 8,your little book1 sir1 is written in a complete ignorance of ,jung and all those who have come after him40 ,this was sudden but ,i answered1 as graciously as possible1 that ,i had not intended a treatise on psychoanalysis4 8,not the point1 sir1 if you'll excuse me4444 ,i am a psychiatrist1 a friend of ,mr ,himmell's0 7so this was the analyst to whom ,paul so often referred7 8and ,i think it impossible for anyone today to write about the big things without a complete understanding of post-,jungian development44440 ,iris interrupted as politely as possible4 8,doctor ,stokharin is a zealot1 ,gene4 ,you must listen to him but1 first1 did you see ,john tonight80 8,i did1 here with ,clarissa3 he was remarkable1 even more so than in person40 8,it is the isolation10 said ,stokharin1 nodding4 ,dandruff fell lightly like dry snow from his thick brows to his dark blue lapels4 8,the camera separates him from everyone else4 ,he is projected like a dream into44440 8,he was so afraid at first10 said ,iris1 glancing across the room at the silent ,cave who sat1 very small and still in the brocaded chair1 the teacup still balanced on one knee4 8,i've never seen him disturbed by anything before4 ,they tried to get him to do a rehearsal but he refused4 ,he can't do rehearsals 444 only the actual thing40 8,fear is natural when 4440 but ,stokharin was in the presence of a master drawing-room tactician3 ,iris was1 ,i saw at that moment1 a born hostess4 ,for all her ease and simplicity she was ruthlessly concerned with keeping order1 establishing a rightness of tone which ,doctor ,stokharin1 in his professional madness1 would have completely undone1 reducing the drawing room to a seminar in mental therapy1 receiving public confessions judiciously1 and generalizing to a captive audience4 ,i admired ,iris's firmness1 her devotion to the civilized4 8,at first we hardly knew what to do40 ,iris's voice rose serenely over the ,east ,european rumblings of the doctor4 8,he'd always made such a point of the audience4 ,he needed actual people to excite him4 ,paul wanted to fill the studio with a friendly audience but ,john said no4 ,he'd try it without4 ,when the talk began there were only a half dozen of us there3 ,paul1 myself1 and the technicians4 ,no one else40 8,how did he manage80 8,it was the camera4 ,he said when he walked out there he had no idea if anything would happen or not1 if he could speak4 ,paul was nearly out of his mind with terror2 we all were4 ,then ,john saw the lens of the camera4 ,he said looking into it gave him a sudden shock1 like a current of electricity passing through him1 for there1 in front of him1 was the eye of the world and the microphone above his head was the ear into which at last he could speak4 ,when he finished1 he was transfigured4 ,i've never seen him so excited4 ,he couldn't recall what he had said but the elation remained until44440 8,until he got here40 8,well1 nearly40 ,iris smiled4 8,he's been under a terrible strain these last two weeks40 8,it'll be nothing like the traumatizing shocks in store for him during the next few days10 said ,stokharin1 rubbing the bole of a rich dark pipe against his nose to bring out its luster 7the pipe's luster1 for the nose1 straight1 thick1 proud1 already shone like a gross baroque pearl74 8,mark my words1 everyone will be eager to see this phenomenon4 ,when ,paul first told me about him1 ,i said1 ah1 my friend1 you have found that father image for which you've searched since your own father was run over by a bus in your ninth 7the crucial7 year4 ,poor ,paul1 ,i said1 you will be doomed to disappointment4 ,the wish for the father is the sign of your immaturity4 ,for a time you find him here1 there 444 in analysis you transfer to me4 ,now you meet a spellbinder and you turn to him1 but it will not last4 ,exactly like that ,i talked to him4 ,believe me1 ,i hold back nothing4 ,then ,i met this ,cave4 ,i watched him4 ,ah1 what an analyst he would have made6 ,what a manner1 what power of communication3 a natural healer4 ,if only we could train him4 ,miss ,mortimer1 to you ,i appeal4 ,get him to study4 ,the best people1 the post-,jungians are all here in ,new ,york4 ,they will train him4 ,he would become only a lay analyst but1 even so1 what miracles he could perform1 what therapy6 ,we must not waste this native genius40 8,i'm afraid1 ,doctor1 that he's going to be too busy wasting himself to study your 444 procedures10 ,iris smiled1 engagingly1 dislike apparent in her radiant eyes4 ,stokharin1 however1 was not sensitive to hostility 444 no doubt attributing such emotions to some sad deficiency in the other's adjustment4 ,iris turned to me4 8,will you be in the city the whole time80 8,the whole time ,cave's here8 ,yes4 ,i wouldn't miss it for anything40 8,i'm glad4 ,i've so much ,i want to talk to you about4 ,so many things are beginning to happen4 ,call me tomorrow4 ,i'll be staying at my old place4 ,it's in the book40 8,cave80 8,is staying with ,paul1 out on ,long ,island at someone's house4 ,we want to keep him away from pests as much as possible40 8,manic depression1 ,i should say10 said ,stokharin thoughtfully1 his pipe now clenched between his teeth and his attention on ,cave's still figure4 8,with latent schizoid tendencies which 444 ,miss ,mortimer1 you must have an affair with him4 ,you must marry him if necessary4 ,have children4 ,let him see what it is to give life to others1 to live in a balanced44440 8,doctor1 you are quite mad10 said ,iris and she crossed the room1 cool in her anger4 ,i too got away from the doctor as quickly as ,i could3 8,false modesty1 inhibited behavior1 too early bowel training10 and similar phrases ringing in my ears4 ,paul caught me at the door4 ,i'd intended to slip away without saying good night1 confident that ,clarissa would understand1 that the others would not notice4 8,not going so soon1 are you80 ,he was a little drunk1 his face scarlet with excitement4 8,but you ought to stay and celebrate40 ,i murmured something about having an early appointment the next day4 8,well1 see me tomorrow4 ,we've taken temporary offices in the ,empire ,state ,building4 ,the money has begun to roll in4 ,if this thing tonight turns out the way ,i think it has1 ,i'm going to be able to quit my other racket for good and devote all my time to ,cave40 ,already the name ,cave had begun to sound more like that of an institution than of a man4 8,by the way1 ,i want to tell you what ,i think of the ,introduction3 superior piece of work4 ,tried it out on several highbrow friends of mine and they liked it40 8,i'm afraid44440 8,that1 together with the talks on television1 should put this thing over with the biggest bang in years4 ,we'll probably need some more stuff from you1 historical background1 rules and regulations1 that kind of thing1 but ,cave will tell you what he wants4 ,we've hired a dozen people already to take care of the mail and inquiries4 ,there's also a lecture tour being prepared1 all the main cities1 while44440 8,paul1 you're not trying to make a religion of this1 are you80 ,i could hold it back no longer even though both time and occasion were all wrong for such an outburst4 8,religion8 ,hell1 no 444 but we've got to organize4 ,we've got to get this to as many people as we can4 ,people have started looking to us 7to him1 that is7 for guidance4 ,we can't let them down40 ,clarissa's maid ushered in a ,western ,union messenger1 laden with telegrams4 8,over three hundred10 said the boy4 8,the station said to send them here40 ,paul paid him jubilantly and1 in the excitement1 ,i slipped away4 #c ,the results of the broadcast were formidable4 ,my small book which until then had enjoyed the obscurity of being briefly noted among the recent books was taken up by excited editors who used it as a basis for hurried but exuberant accounts of the new marvel4 ,one night a week for the rest of that winter ,cave appeared before the shining glass eye of the world and on each occasion new millions in all parts of the country listened and saw and pondered this unexpected phenomenon1 the creation of their own secret anxieties and doubts1 a central man4 ,the reactions were too numerous for me to recollect in any order or with any precise detail2 but ,i do recall the first few months vividly3 after that of course the work moved swiftly of its own and one lost track of events which tended to blur1 the way casualties late in a large war do1 not wringing the wearied heart as the death of one or a particular few might earlier have done4 ,a few days after the first broadcast1 ,i went to see ,paul at the offices which he had taken in the ,empire ,state ,building 444 as high up as possible1 ,i noted with amusement3 always the maximum1 the optimum4 ,halfway down a corridor1 between lawyers and exporters1 ,cavite1 ,inc4 was discreetly identified in black upon a frosted-glass door4 ,i went inside4 ,it appeared to me the way ,i'd always thought a newspaper office during a crisis might look4 ,four rooms opening in a row off one another1 all with doors open1 all crowded with harassed secretaries and clean-looking young men in blue serge suits carrying papers1 talking in loud voices which together made the room sound like a hive at swarming time4 ,though none of them knew me1 no one made any attempt to ask my business or to stop me as ,i moved from room to room in search of ,paul4 ,everywhere there were placards with ,cave's picture on them1 calm and gloomy-looking1 dressed in what was to be his official costume3 a dark suit1 an unfigured tie1 a white shirt4 ,i tried to overhear conversations as ,i passed the busy desks and groups of excited debaters1 but their noise was too loud4 ,only one word was identifiable1 sounding regularly1 richly emphatic like a cello note3 ,cave1 ,cave1 ,cave4 ,in each room ,i saw piles of my ,introduction which pleased me even though ,i had come already to dislike it4 ,the last room contained ,paul1 seated behind a desk with a dictaphone in one hand1 three telephones on his desk 7none fortunately ringing at this moment7 and four male and female attendants with notebooks and pencils eagerly poised4 ,paul sprang from his chair when he saw me4 ,the attendants fell back4 8,here he is60 ,he grabbed my hand and clung to it vise-like3 ,i could almost feel the energy pulsing in his fingertips1 vibrating through his body 444 his heartbeat was obviously two to my every one4 8,team1 this is ,eugene ,luther40 ,the team was properly impressed and one of the girls1 slovenly but intelligent-looking1 said3 8,it was you who brought me here4 ,first you ,i mean 444 and then of course ,cave40 ,i murmured vaguely and the others told me how clear ,i had made all philosophy in the light of ,cavesword4 7,i believe it was that day1 certainly that week1 ,cavesword was coined by ,paul to denote the entire message of ,john ,cave to the world74 ,paul then shooed the team out with instructions he was not to be bothered4 ,the door1 however1 was left open4 8,well1 what do you think of them80 ,he leaned back1 beaming at me from his chair4 8,they seem very 444 earnest10 ,i said1 wondering not only what ,i was supposed to think but1 more to the point1 what ,i did think of the whole business4 8,i'll say they are6 ,i tell you1 ,gene1 ,i've never seen anything like it4 ,the thing's bigger even than that damned crooner ,i handled 444 you may remember the one4 ,everyone has been calling up and1 look60 ,he pointed to several bushel baskets containing telegrams and letters4 8,this is only a fraction of the response since the telecast4 ,from all over the world4 ,i tell you1 ,gene1 we're in40 8,what about ,cave8 ,where is he80 8,he's out on ,long ,island4 ,the press is on my tail trying to interview him but ,i say no1 no go1 fellows1 not yet2 and does that excite them6 ,we've had to hire guards at the place on ,long ,island just to keep them away40 8,how is ,cave taking it all80 8,in his stride1 absolute model of coolness which is more than ,i am4 ,he agrees that it's better to keep him under wraps while the telecasts are going on4 ,it means that curiosity about him will increase like nobody's business4 ,look at this40 ,he showed me a proof sheet of a tabloid story3 8,mystery ,prophet ,wows ,,tv ,audience10 with a photograph of ,cave taken from the telecast and another one showing ,cave ducking into a taxi1 his face turned away from the camera4 ,the story seemed most provocative and1 for that complacent tabloid1 a little bewildered4 8,coming out ,sunday10 said ,paul with satisfaction4 8,there's also going to be coverage from the big circulation media4 ,they're going to cover the next broadcast even though we said nobody'd be allowed on the set while ,cave was speaking40 ,he handed me a bundle of manuscript pages bearing the title 8,who ,is ,cave80 8,that's the story ,i planted in one of the slick magazines4 ,hired a name-writer1 as you can see1 to do it40 ,the name-writer's name was not known to me but1 presumably1 it would be familiar to the mass audience4 8,and1 biggest of all1 we got a sponsor4 ,we had eleven offers already and we've taken ,dumaine ,chemicals4 ,they're paying us enough money to underwrite this whole setup here1 and pay for ,cave and me as well4 ,it's terrific but dignified4 ,just a simple 'through the courtesy of' at the beginning and another at the end of each telecast4 ,what do you think of that80 8,unprecedented60 ,i had chosen my word some minutes before 444 one which would have a cooling effect4 8,i'll say4 ,by the way1 we're getting a lot of stuff on that book of yours40 ,he reached in a drawer and pulled out a manila folder which he pushed toward me4 8,take them home if you like4 ,go over them carefully 444 might give you some ideas for the next one2 you know3 ground which needs covering40 8,is there to be a next one80 8,man1 a flock of next ones6 ,we've got a lot to do1 to explain4 ,people want to know all kinds of things4 ,i'm having the kids out in the front office do a breakdown on all the letters we've got3 to get the general reaction 444 what it is people most want to hear1 and1 believe me1 we've been getting more damned questions1 and not just the main thing but family problems too1 things like that3 ',please1 ,mr4 ,cave1 ,i'm married to two men and feel maybe it's a mistake since ,i have to work nights anyway4' ,lord1 some of them are crazier than that40 8,are you answering all of them80 8,oh1 yes1 but in my name4 ,all except a few of the most interesting which go to ,cave for personal attention4 ,i've been toying with the idea of setting up a counselor-service for people with problems40 8,but what can you tell them80 ,i was more and more appalled4 8,everything in the light of ,cavesword4 ,you have no idea how many questions that does answer4 ,think about it and you'll see what ,i mean4 ,but of course we follow standard psychiatric procedure only it's speeded up so that after a couple of visits there can be a practical and inspirational answer to their problems4 ,stokharin said he'd be happy to give it a try1 but we haven't yet worked out all the details40 ,i didn't want to hear anything more about this2 ,i changed the subject4 8,what did you have in mind for me to do80 8,cavesword applied to everyday life40 ,he spoke without hesitation2 he had thought of everything4 8,we'll know more what people want to hear after a few more telecasts1 after more letters and so on4 ,then supply ,cavesword where you can and1 where you can't1 just use common sense and standard psychiatric procedure40 8,even when they don't always coincide80 ,paul roared with laughter4 8,always the big knocker1 ,gene4 ,that's what ,i like about you 444 the disapproving air 444 it's wonderful and ,i'm quite serious4 ,people like myself 444 visionaries1 you might say1 continually get their feet off the ground and it's people like you who pull us back 444 make us think4 ,anyway1 ,i hope you'll be able to get to it soon4 ,we'll have our end taken care of by the time the telecasts are over40 8,will you show ,cave to the world then8 ,i mean in person80 8,i don't know4 ,by the way1 we're having a directors' meeting ,friday morning4 ,you'll get a notice in the mail4 ,one of the things we're going to take up is just that problem1 so you be thinking about it in the meantime4 ,i have a hunch it may be smart to keep him away from interviewers for good40 8,that's impossible40 8,i'm not so sure4 ,he's pretty retiring except when he speaks4 ,i don't think he'd mind the isolation one bit4 ,you see how dull he gets in company when he's not performing40 8,would he consent1 do you think80 8,i think so4 ,we could persuade him1 ,i'm sure4 ,anyway1 for now he's a mystery man4 ,millions see him once a week but no one knows him except ourselves4 ,a perfect state of affairs1 if you ask me40 8,you mean there's always a chance he might make a fool of himself if a tough interviewer got hold of him80 8,exactly1 and believe me there's going to be a lot of them after his scalp40 8,have they begun already80 8,not yet4 ,we have you to thank for that1 too1 making it so clear that though what we said certainly conflicts with all the churches we're really not competing with them1 that people listening to ,cavesword can go right on being ,baptists and so on40 8,i don't see how1 if they accept ,cave40 8,neither do ,i1 but for the time being that's our line40 8,then there's to be a fight with the churches80 ,paul nodded grimly4 8,and it's going to be a honey4 ,people don't take all the supernatural junk seriously these days but they do go for the social idea of the church1 the uplift kind of thing3 that's where we'll have to meet them1 where we'll have to lick them at their own game40 ,i looked at him for one long moment3 ,i had of course anticipated something like this from the moment that ,cave had become an organization and not merely one man talking4 ,i had realized that expansion was inevitable3 the rule of life is more life and of organization more organization1 increased dominion4 ,yet ,i had not suspected ,paul of having grasped this so clearly1 using it so promptly to his1 to our advantage4 ,the thought that not only was he cleverer than ,i had suspected but that he might1 indeed1 despite his unfortunate approach1 be even cleverer than myself1 disagreeably occurred to me4 ,i had until then regarded myself as the unique intellectual of the ,cavites1 the one sane man among maniacs and opportunists3 it seemed now that there were two of us with open eyes and1 of the two1 he alone possessed ambition and energy1 qualities neither of which ,i possessed to any useful degree4 8,you mean this to be a religion1 ,paul80 ,he smiled1 8,maybe1 yes 444 something on that order perhaps4 ,something workable1 though1 for now3 ,i've thought about what you said the other night40 8,does ,cave want this80 ,paul shrugged4 8,who can tell4 ,i should think so but this is not really a problem for him to decide4 ,he has happened4 ,now we respond4 ,stokharin feels that a practical faith1 a belief in ways of behavior which the best modern analysts are agreed on as being closest to ideal1 might perform absolute miracles4 ,no more guilt-feeling about sex if ,cave were to teach that all is proper when it does no harm to others 444 and the desire to do harm to others might even be partly removed if there were no false mysteries1 no terrible warnings in childhood and so on4 ,just in that one area of behavior we could work wonders6 ,of course there would still be problems but the main ones could be solved if people take to ,cave and to us4 ,cavesword is already known and it's a revelation to millions 444 we know that4 ,now they are looking to him for guidance in other fields4 ,they know about death at last4 ,now we must tell them about living and we are lucky to have available so much first-rate scientific research in the human psyche4 ,i suspect we can even strike on an ideal behavior pattern by which people can measure themselves40 8,and to which they will be made to conform80 ,direction was becoming clear already4 8,how can we force anyone to do anything8 ,our whole power is that people come to us1 to ,cave voluntarily because they feel here1 at last1 is the answer40 ,paul might very well have been sincere3 there is no way of determining1 even now4 8,well1 remember1 ,paul1 that you will do more good than harm by attempting to supplant old dogmas and customs with new dogmas4 ,it will be the same in the end except that the old is less militant1 less dangerous than a new law imposed by enthusiasts40 8,don't say 'you4' ,say 'we4' ,you're as much a part of this as ,i am4 ,after all you're a director4 ,you've got a say-so in these matters4 ,just speak up ,friday40 ,paul was suddenly genial and placating4 8,i don't pretend ,i've got all the answers4 ,i'm just talking off the top of my head1 like they say40 ,a member of the team burst into the office with the news that ,bishop ,winston was outside4 8,now it starts10 said ,paul with a grimace4 ,the ,bishop did not recognize me as we passed one another in the office4 ,he looked grim and he was wearing clerical garb4 8,he's too late10 said a lean youth1 nodding at the churchman's back4 8,professional con-men10 said his companion with disgust4 8,they've had their day40 ,and with that in my ears1 ,i walked out into the snow-swirling street1 into the bleak opening of the new year1 of ,cave's year4 ,i was more alarmed than ever by what ,paul had told me and by what ,i heard on every side4 ,in drugstores and bars and restaurants1 people talked of ,cave4 ,i could even tell when ,i did not hear the name that it was of him they spoke3 a certain intentness1 a great curiosity1 a wonder4 ,in the bookstores1 copies of my introduction were displayed with large blown-up photographs of ,cave to accompany them4 ,alone in a bar on ,madison ,avenue where ,i'd taken refuge from the cold1 ,i glanced at the clippings ,paul had given me4 ,there were two sets4 ,the first were the original perfunctory ones which had appeared1 short1 puzzled 444 the reviewers1 knowing even less philosophy than ,i1 tended to question my proposition that ,caveswood was anything more than a single speculation in rather a large field4 ,i'd obviously not communicated his magic1 only its record which1 like the testament of miracles1 depends entirely on faith and to inspire faith one needed ,cave himself4 8,what do you think about the guy80 the waiter1 a fragile sensitive ,latin with parchment-lidded eyes mopped the spilled gin off my table 7he'd seen a picture of ,cave among my clippings74 8,it's hard to say10 ,i said4 8,how did he strike you80 8,boy1 like lightning60 ,the waiter beamed2 a smile which showed broken teeth spoiled the delicate line of his face4 8,of course ,i'm ,catholic but this is something new4 ,some people been telling me you can't be a good ,catholic and go for this guy4 ,but why not8 ,i say4 ,you still got ,virginmerry and now you got him1 too1 for right now4 ,you ought to see the crowd we get here to see the ,,tv when he's on4 ,it's wild40 ,it was wild1 ,i thought1 putting the clippings back into the folder4 ,yet it might be kept within bounds4 ,paul had emphasized my directorship1 my place in the structure 444 well1 ,i would show them what should be done or1 rather1 not done4 ,then ,i went out into the snow-dimmed street and hailed a cab4 ,all the way to ,iris's apartment ,i was rehearsing what ,i would say to ,paul when next we met4 8,leave them alone10 ,i said aloud4 8,it is enough to open the windows40 8,open the windows60 ,the driver snorted4 8,it's damn near forty in the street40 #d ,iris occupied several rooms on the second floor of a brownstone in a street with1 pleasantest of ,new ,york anachronisms1 trees4 ,when ,i entered1 she was doing yogi exercises on the floor1 sitting crosslegged on a mat1 her slender legs in leotards and her face flushed with strain4 8,it just doesn't work for me60 she said and stood up without embarrassment for1 since ,i'd found the main door unlocked1 ,i'd opened this one too1 without knocking4 8,i'm sorry1 ,iris1 the downstairs door was44440 8,don't be silly40 ,she rolled up the mat efficiently4 8,i was expecting you but ,i lost track of time 444 which means it must be working a little4 ,i'll be right back40 ,she went into the bedroom and ,i sat down1 amused by this unexpected side to ,iris3 ,i wondered if perhaps she was a devotee of wheat germ and mint tea as well4 ,she claimed not4 8,it's the only real exercise ,i get10 she said1 changed now to a heavy robe which completely swathed her figure as she sat curled up in a great armchair1 drinking ,scotch1 as did ,i1 the winter outside hid by drawn curtains1 by warmth and light4 8,have you done it long80 8,oh1 off and on for years4 ,i never get anywhere but it's very restful and ,i've felt so jittery lately that anything which relaxes me 4440 her voice trailed off idly4 ,she seemed relaxed now4 8,i've been to see ,paul10 ,i began importantly4 8,ah40 ,but ,i could not1 suddenly1 generate sufficient anger to speak out with eloquence4 ,i went around my anger stealthily1 a murderer stalking his victim4 8,we disagreed40 8,in what80 8,in everything1 ,i should say40 8,that's so easy with ,paul40 ,iris stretched lazily2 ice chattered in her glass2 a car's horn melodious and foreign sounded in the street below4 8,we need him4 ,if it wasn't ,paul1 it might be someone a great deal worse4 ,at least he's intelligent and devoted4 ,that makes up for a lot40 8,i don't think so2 ,iris1 he's establishing a sort of supermarket1 short-order church for the masses40 ,she laughed delightedly4 8,i like that 444 and1 in a way1 you're right3 that's what he would do left to himself40 8,he seems in complete control40 8,only of the office4 ,john makes all the decisions40 8,i wish ,i could be sure of that40 8,you'll see on ,friday4 ,you'll be at the meeting1 won't you80 ,i nodded4 8,i have a feeling that between ,paul and ,stokharin this thing is going to turn into a world-wide clinic for mental health40 8,i expect worse things could happen1 but ,paul must still contend with me and you and of course the final word is with ,john40 8,how is ,cave1 by the way8 ,i haven't seen him since the night of the first telecast40 8,quite relaxed1 unlike the rest of us4 ,you should come out with me one day to ,long ,island and see him4 ,i go nearly every day for a few hours4 ,he's kept completely removed from everyone except the servants and ,paul and me40 8,does he like that80 8,he doesn't seem to mind4 ,he walks a good deal 444 it's a big place and he's used to the cold4 ,he reads a little1 mostly detective stories 444 and then of course there's the mail that ,paul sends on4 ,he works at that off and on all day4 ,i help him and when we're stuck 7you should see the questions67 we consult ,stokharin who's very good on some things1 on problems44440 8,and a bore the rest of the time40 8,that's right10 ,iris giggled4 8,i couldn't have been more furious the other night1 but1 since then1 ,i've seen a good deal of him and he's not half bad4 ,we've got him over the idea that ,john should become a lay analyst3 the response to the telecast finally convinced ,stokharin that here was a racial 'folk-father-figure' 444 his very own words4 ,now he's out to educate the father so that he will fulfill his children's needs on the best post-,jungian lines40 8,does ,cave take him seriously80 8,he's bored to death with him4 ,stokharin's the only man who's ever had the bad sense to lecture ,john 444 who absolutely hates it2 but he does feel that ,stokharin's answers to some of the problems we're confronted with are ingenious4 ,all that 444 hints to the lovelorn is too much for ,john1 so we need the ,stokharins to take care of details40 8,i hope he's careful not to get too involved40 8,john's incorruptible4 ,not because he is so noble or constant but because he can only think a certain way and other opinions1 other evidence1 can't touch him40 ,i paused1 wondering if this was true2 then3 8,i'm going to make a scene on ,friday4 ,i'm going to suggest that ,paul is moving in a dangerous direction1 toward organization and dogma and that if something is not done soon we'll all be ruined by that which we most detest3 a militant absolutist doctrine40 ,iris looked at me curiously4 8,tell me1 ,gene1 what do you want8 ,why are you still with ,cave1 with all of us when you so apparently suspect the general direction8 ,you've always been perfectly clear about what you did not want 7,i can recall1 ,i think1 every word you said at the farm that night7 but1 to be specific1 what would you like all this to become8 ,how would you direct things if you could80 ,i'd been preparing myself for such a question for several months yet ,i still had no single answer to make which would sharply express my own doubts and wishes4 ,but ,i made an attempt4 8,i would not organize1 for one thing4 ,i'd have ,cave speak regularly1 all he likes1 but there would be no ,cavite1 ,inc41 no ,paul planting articles and propagandizing4 ,i'd keep just ,cave1 nothing more4 ,let him do his work4 ,then1 gradually1 there will be effects1 a gradual end to superstition44440 ,iris looked at me intently4 8,if it were possible1 ,i would say we should do what you suggest1 even though it would be ruinous not only for us but for everyone44440 8,why ruinous8 ,a freedom to come to a decision on one's own without44440 8,that's it4 ,no one can be allowed that freedom4 ,one doesn't need much scholarship or even experience to see that4 ,everywhere people are held in check by stifling but familiar powers4 ,people are used to tyranny3 they expect governments to demand their souls1 and they have given up decisions on many levels for love of security4 ,what you suggest is impossible with this race at this time40 8,you're talking nonsense4 ,after all1 obeisance to established religions is the order of the day1 yet look at the response to ,cave who is undermining the whole ,christian structure40 8,and wait until you see the fight they're going to put up60 said ,iris grimly4 8,fortunately1 ,cave's word is the mortal blow though ,cave himself would be their certain victim if he was protected1 if there was no organization to guard him1 and the ,word40 8,so ,paul and his--his team1 his proselytes are to become merely an equivalent power1 combating the old superstitions with their own weapons40 8,more or less1 yes4 ,that's what it has come to40 8,even though his talking to the people would be enough8 ,let them use him1 not he them40 8,a good slogan10 ,iris smiled4 8,but ,i think ,i'm right4 ,no one would have a chance to see or hear him if it weren't for ,paul2 you should read the threatening letters we've been getting40 8,i thought all the mail was most admiring80 8,all that came from people who've actually heard him but there's a lot coming in now from religious fanatics4 ,they are very extreme4 ,and of course the churches1 one by one1 are starting to take notice40 8,i saw ,bishop ,winston in ,paul's office today40 8,he's been trying to see ,john all week4 ,he finally settled for ,paul1 ,i gather4 ,in any case1 after the next telecast there will really be a storm40 8,the next8 ,what's going to happen then80 8,john will tell them that there's no need for the churches1 that their power derives from superstition and bloody deeds40 ,i was startled4 8,when did this hit him8 ,i thought he intended to go on as he was1 without ever coming out openly against them40 8,i was surprised too4 ,he told me yesterday2 he'd been brooding all day and1 suddenly1 he started to attack them4 ,it's going to be murderous40 8,i hope not for him40 8,oh1 he'll convince1 ,i'm sure of that3 but their revenge44440 ,she gave a troubled sigh4 8,anyway1 ,gene1 you do see why we can't1 for our own safety1 dispense with ,paul and his financiers and press agents and all the squalid but necessary crew40 8,it may be too late10 ,i agreed4 8,but ,i fear the end40 8,no one can tell2 besides1 as long as you and ,i are there with ,john it will be all right40 ,i felt her confidence was not entirely justified but ,i determined1 for the moment1 to defer my attack on ,paul's methods until a safer time4 ,we argued about the wisdom of the coming telecast3 was it really necessary to confront the enemy explicitly8 and in his own country1 so to speak8 ,iris was not sure1 but she felt ,cave's instinct was right even though he had1 perhaps1 been goaded into action sooner than we'd anticipated by the harsh letters of ,christian zealots4 ,and then by slow degrees1 by careful circling1 the conversation grew personal4 8,i've never told anyone else10 said ,iris1 looking at me speculatively4 8,don't worry2 ,i haven't repeated any of it40 ,and1 as always at such times1 ,i felt a warm flood of guilt3 any direct statement of personal innocence has always made me feel completely criminal4 8,but since ,i've told you1 ,i 444 it's a relief to have someone ,i can talk to about ,john4 ,i don't dare mention his name to my family1 to my old friends 444 ,i don't think they even know yet that ,i've met him40 8,i thought it has all been in the papers40 8,i haven't been mentioned but1 after ,friday1 everyone will know4 ,paul says there's no way for us to duck inquiries4 ,after the directors' meeting he'll issue a statement naming directors1 stockholders and so on40 8,but even then1 why should anyone suspect you were interested in ,cave or he in you8 ,it's possible merely to be a director1 isn't it80 ,iris shrugged4 8,you know how people are4 ,clarissa keeps wanting to have what she calls a comfy chat about everything and ,i keep putting her off4 ,stokharin now takes it for granted that ,john and ,i sleep together1 that he is the father-image to me and ,i the mother to him40 ,it had an odd ring to it and ,i laughed4 8,do you think that's a sound post-,jungian analysis80 ,iris smiled faintly4 8,whatever it is1 the feeling1 such as it is1 is all on my side40 8,and he shows no sign of returning your affection80 8,none at all4 ,he's devoted to me1 ,i think4 ,he relies on my judgment4 ,he trusts me1 which is more than he does anyone else ,i know of44440 8,even me80 ,always the 8,i0 coming between me and what ,i wished to know3 that insatiable1 distressing 8,i40 8,yes1 even you1 dear1 and ,paul too4 ,he's on guard against everyone1 but not in a nasty or suspicious way4 ,he 444 what is the phrase8 he keeps his own counsel40 8,and you are the counsel80 8,in a sense1 and nothing more40 8,perhaps you should give up4 ,it would seem that 444 love was not possible for him4 ,if so1 it's unwise for you to put yourself in such a position 444 harmful1 too40 8,but there's still the other ,cave4 ,i love him as well and the two are1 finally1 the same40 8,a metaphysique80 8,no1 or at least ,i don't see a paradox4 ,it's something else2 it's like coming out of an illness with no past at all1 only a memory of pain and dullness which soon goes in the wonderful present40 8,it80 8,my love is it40 ,her voice grew strong4 8,i've learned that in loving him ,i love life1 which ,i never did before4 ,why1 ,i can even value others now1 value all those faceless creatures whom ,i knew without ever bothering to see1 to bring in focus the dim blurs of all that world alive4 ,i lived asleep4 ,now ,i am awake40 8,he does not love you40 8,why should he8 ,it's gone beyond that4 ,i'm no longer the scales most lovers are1 weighing the deeds and gifts and treasures proffered against those received or stolen from the other1 trying always to bring into fatal balance two separate imponderables4 ,i give myself and what ,i take is life1 the knowledge that there is another creature in the world whose wonder1 to me at least1 is all-satisfying by merely being40 8,is it so terrible to be alive80 8,beyond all expectation1 my poor friend40 ,and then ,i left her to return to winter1 to the snow-filled streets and my old pain4 #e ,the second telecast had the anticipated effect4 ,the day after1 ,friday1 nearly a hundred thousand letters and telegrams had been received1 and ,cave's life had been threatened four times over the telephone4 ,i was awakened at five o'clock on ,friday morning by a newspaper man begging an interview4 ,half-asleep1 irritably1 ,i told him to go to hell and hung up though not before ,i'd heard the jeer3 8,thought you fellows did away with hell40 ,this woke me up and ,i made coffee1 still keeping my eyes half-shut in the dim winter light1 hoping sleep might return to its accustomed perch2 but more telephone calls demoralized my fragile ally and ,i was left wide awake1 unshaven1 with fast-beating heart beside the telephone1 drinking coffee4 ,every few minutes there was a call from some newspaper man or editor requesting information3 they had all been shocked by the telecast4 ,when ,i told them they should get in touch with ,cave himself1 or at least with ,paul's office1 they only laughed3 thousands were trying to get to speak to ,paul1 tens of thousands to ,cave2 the result was chaos4 ,shakily1 ,i took the phone off its hook and got dressed4 ,when ,i opened my door to get the morning paper1 a thin young man leaped past me into my living room and anchored himself to a heavy chair4 8,what44440 ,i began2 he was only too eager to explain the what and the why4 8,and so10 he ended1 breathlessly1 8the ,star has authorized me to advance you not only that money but expenses1 too1 for an exclusive feature on ,cave and the ,cavites40 8,i wish10 ,i said1 very gentle in the presence of such enthusiasm1 8that you would go away4 ,it's five in the morning44440 8,you're our only hope10 the boy wailed4 8,every paper and news service has been trying to get past the gate out on ,long ,island for three weeks and failed4 ,they couldn't even shoot him at long range40 8,shoot him40 8,get a picture4 ,now please44440 8,paul ,himmell is your man4 ,he's authorized to speak for ,cave4 ,he has an office in the ,empire ,state ,building and he keeps respectable hours2 so why don't you44440 8,we haven't been able to get even a release out of him for three days now4 ,it's censorship1 that's what it is40 ,i had to smile4 8,we're not the government4 ,cave is a private citizen and this is a private organization4 ,if we choose not to give interviews you have no right to pester us40 8,oh1 come off it40 ,the young man was at an age where the needs of ambition were often less strong than the desire for true expression2 for a moment he forgot that he needed my forbearance and ,i liked him better4 8,this is the biggest news that's hit town since the war4 ,you guys have got the whole country asking questions and the big one is3 who is ,cave80 8,there'll be an announcement today1 ,i think1 about the company4 ,as for ,cave1 ,i suggest you read a little book called ',an ,introduction to4444'0 8,of course ,i've read it4 ,that's why ,i'm here4 ,now1 please1 ,mr4 ,luther1 give me an exclusive even if you won't take the ,star's generous offer4 ,at least tell me something ,i can use40 ,i sat down heavily2 a bit of coffee splattered from cup to saucer to the back of my hand3 it dried stickily4 ,i felt worn-out already1 the day only just begun4 8,what do you want me to tell you8 ,what would you most like to hear8 ,what do you expect me to say since1 being a good journalist1 that is what you'll write no matter what ,i tell you80 8,oh1 that's not true4 ,i want to know what ,cave's all about as a person1 as a teacher40 8,well1 what do you think he's up to80 8,me8 ,why 444 ,i don't know4 ,i never heard him on the air until last night4 ,it was strong stuff40 8,were you convinced80 8,in a way1 yes4 ,he said a lot of things ,i agreed with but ,i was a little surprised at his going after the churches4 ,not that ,i like anything about them1 but still it's some stunt to get up and talk like that in front of millions of people4 ,i mean you just don't say those things any more1 even if you do think them 444 can't offend minorities2 that's what we learn first in journalism school40 8,there's part of your answer then3 ,cave is a man who1 unlike others1 says what he thinks is true even if it makes him unpopular4 ,there's some virtue in that40 8,i guess he can afford to in his position10 said the boy vaguely4 8,you know we got ,bishop ,winston to answer him for the ,star4 ,signed him last night after ,cave went off the air4 ,i'm sure he'll do a good job4 ,now44440 ,we wrestled across the room2 since ,i was the stronger1 ,i won my privacy though muffled threats of exposure were hurled at me from behind the now-bolted door4 ,acting on an impulse1 ,i left the apartment as soon as ,i was sure my recent visitor had gone4 ,i was afraid that others would try to find me if ,i stayed home2 fears which were justified3 according to the elevator man1 he had turned away several men already4 ,the one who did get through had come up the fire escape4 ,i walked quickly out into the quiet street1 the snow now gone to slush as dingy as the morning sky4 ,fortunately1 the day was neither windy nor cold and ,i walked to a ,times ,square automat for an early breakfast4 ,i was reassured by anonymity4 ,all around me sleepy men and women clutching newspapers1 briefcases and lunch pails sat sullenly chewing their breakfast1 sleep not yet departed4 ,i bought a roll1 more coffee1 hominy grits which ,i detested in the ,north but occasionally tried in the hope that1 by accident1 ,i might stumble upon the real thing4 ,these were not the real thing and ,i left them untouched while ,i read my paper4 ,cave was on the front page4 ,not prominent1 but still he was there4 ,the now-standard photograph looked darkly from the page4 ,the headline announced that3 8,prophet ,flays ,churches as ,millions ,listen40 ,there followed a paraphrase of the telecast which began with those fateful and soon to be famous words3 8,our quarrel is not with ,christ but with his keepers40 ,i wondered1 as ,i read1 if anyone had ever taken one of the telecasts down in shorthand and made a transcript of it4 ,i1 for one1 should have been curious to see in cold print one of those sermons4 ,cave himself knew that without his presence they would not stand up and1 consequently1 he allowed none of then to be transcribed2 the result was that whenever there was a report of one of his talks it was1 necessarily1 paraphrased which gave a curious protean flavor to his doctrine1 since the recorded style was never consistent1 changing always with each paraphraser just as the original meaning was invariably altered by each separate listener as he adapted the incantation to his private needs4 ,a fat yellow-faced woman sat down with a groan beside me and began to ravish a plate of assorted cakes4 ,her jaws grinding1 the only visible sign of life1 for her eyes were glazed from sleep and her body1 incorrectly buttoned into a cigarette-ash-dusted dress1 was as still as a mountain1 even the work of lungs was obscured by the torpid flesh4 ,i watched her above the newspaper1 fascinated by the regularity with which her jaws ground the bits of cake4 ,her eyes looked past me into some invisible world of pastry4 ,then1 having finished the report on ,cave's telecast1 ,i put the newspaper down and ate with deliberate finesse my own biscuit4 ,the rustling of the newspaper as it was folded and placed on the table disturbed my companion and1 beneath the fat1 her will slowly sent out instructions to the extremities4 ,she cleared her throat4 ,her head lowered4 ,her chewing stopped2 a bit of cake was temporarily lodged in one cheek1 held firmly in place by a gaudy plate4 ,her eyes squinted at the newspaper4 ,she spoke3 8,something about that preacher fellow last night80 8,yes4 ,would you like to see it80 ,i pushed the paper toward her4 ,she looked at the picture1 carefully spelling out the words of the headlines with heavy lips and deep irregular breaths4 8,did you see him last night80 she asked when her eye finally got to the small print where it stopped1 as though halted by a dense jungle4 8,yes4 ,as a matter of fact1 ,i did40 8,he sure gave it to them bastards1 didn't he80 ,her face lit up joyously2 ,i thought of a ira4 8,you mean the clergy80 8,that's just what ,i mean4 ,they had it too good1 too long4 ,people afraid to say anything4 ,takes somebody like him to tell us what we know and tell them where to head-in40 8,do you like what he said about dying80 8,about there being nothing8 ,why1 hell1 mister1 ,i knew it all along40 8,but it's good to hear someone else say it80 8,don't do no harm40 ,she belched softly4 8,i expect they're going to be on his tail10 she added with gloomy pleasure1 spearing a fragment of eclair which she had missed on her first circuit of her crowded dish4 ,i spent that morning in the street buying newspapers1 eavesdropping4 ,i heard several arguments about ,cave3 the religiously orthodox were outraged but clearly interested2 the others were triumphant though all seemed to feel that they1 as the automat woman had said1 would soon be on his tail4 ,ours was no longer a country where the nonconformist could escape disaster if he unwisely showed a strange face to the multitude4 ,i tried to telephone ,iris and then ,clarissa but both telephones were reported busy2 ,i called the office but was told by a mechanical voice that if ,i left my name and address and business ,mr4 ,himmell would call me as soon as possible4 ,the siege had begun4 ,i arrived at the ,empire ,state ,building half an hour before the meeting was to begin1 hoping to find out in advance from ,paul what was happening and what we were supposed to do about it4 ,a picket line marched up and down before the entrance1 waving banners1 denouncing ,cave and all his works in the names of various religious groups4 ,a crowd was beginning to gather and the police1 at least a score1 moved frantically about1 not knowing how to keep the mob out of the building4 ,when ,i stepped off the elevator at ,cave's floor1 ,i found myself a part of a loud and confused mass of men and women all shoving toward the door which was marked ,cavite1 ,inc4 ,policemen barred their way4 ,long before ,i'd got to the door1 a woman's shoe went hurtling through the air1 smashing a hole in the frosted glass4 ,one policeman cocked his revolver menacingly4 ,another shouted1 8,get the riot squad60 ,but still the crowd raved and shouted and quarreled4 ,some wanted to lynch ,cave in the name of the ,lamb1 while others begged to be allowed to touch him1 just once4 ,i got to the door at last1 thanks to a sudden shove which landed me with a crash into a policeman4 ,he gasped and then1 snarling1 raised his club4 8,business60 ,i shouted with what breath was left me4 8,got business here4 ,director40 ,i was not believed but1 after some talk with a pale secretary through the shattered glass door1 ,i was admitted4 ,the crowd roared when they saw this and moved in closer4 ,the door slammed shut behind me4 8,it's been like this since nine o'clock10 said the secretary1 looking at me with frightened eyes4 8,you mean after two hours the police still can't do anything80 8,we didn't call them right away4 ,when we did it was too late4 ,we're barricaded in here40 ,the team sat about at their desks pretending to work1 pretending not to notice the noise from the corridor4 ,paul1 however1 was not in the least disturbed4 ,he was standing by the window in his office looking out4 ,clarissa1 her hat and her hair together awry3 a confusion of straw and veil and bolts of reddish hair apparently not all her own1 was making-up in a pocket mirror4 8,ravenous1 wild beasts60 she hailed me4 8,i've seen their likes before40 8,gene1 good fellow6 ,got through the mob all right8 ,here1 have a bit of brandy4 ,no8 ,perhaps some ,scotch80 ,i said it was too early for me to drink4 ,shakily1 ,i sat down4 ,paul laughed at the sight of us4 8,you both look like the end of the world has come40 8,i'd always pictured the end as being quite orderly44440 ,i began stuffily but ,doctor ,stokharin's loud entrance interrupted me4 ,his spectacles were dangling from one ear and his tie had been pulled around from front to back quite neatly4 8,no authority60 he bellowed1 ignoring all of us4 8,the absence of a traditional patriarch1 the center of the tribe1 has made them insecure4 ,only together do they feel warmth in great swarming hives60 ,his voice rose sharply and broke on the word 8hives0 into a squeak4 ,he took the proffered brandy and sat down1 his clothes still disarranged4 8,my hair10 said ,clarissa grimly1 8may never come out right again today40 ,she put the mirror back into her purse which she closed with a loud snap4 8,i don't see1 ,paul1 why you didn't have the foresight to call the police in advance and demand protection40 8,i had no idea it would be like this4 ,believe me1 ,clarissa1 it's not deliberate40 ,but from his excited chuckling1 ,i could see that he was delighted with the confusion4 ,the triumph of the publicist's dark art4 ,i wondered if he might not have had a hand in it3 it was a little reminiscent of the crowds of screaming women which in earlier decades1 goaded by publicists1 had howled and1 as ,stokharin would say1 swarmed about singers and other theatrical idols4 ,paul anticipated my suspicions4 8,didn't have a thing to do with it1 ,i swear4 ,doctor1 your tie is hanging down your back40 8,i don't mind10 said ,stokharin disagreeably1 but he did adjust his glasses4 8,i'd a feeling we'd have a few people in to see us but no idea it would be like this40 ,he turned to me as the quietest1 the least dangerous of the three4 8,you wouldn't believe the response to last night's telecast if ,i told you40 8,why don't you tell me80 ,the comic aspects were becoming apparent3 ,stokharin's assaulted dignity and the ruin of ,clarissa's ingenious hair both seemed to me suddenly funny2 ,i cleared my throat to obscure the tickling of a smile4 ,paul named some stupendous figures with an air of triumph4 8,and there are more coming all the time4 ,think of that60 8,are they favorable80 8,favorable8 ,who cares80 ,paul was pacing the floor quickly1 keyed to the breaking-point had he possessed the metabolism of a normal man4 8,we'll have a breakdown over the weekend4 ,hired more people already4 ,whole lot working all the time4 ,by the way1 we're moving40 8,not a moment too soon10 said ,clarissa balefully4 8,i suggest1 in fact1 we move now while there are even these few police to protect us4 ,when they go home for lunch 7they all eat enormous lunches1 one can tell71 that crowd is going to come in here and throw us out the window40 8,or suffocate us with love10 said ,paul4 ,stokharin looked at ,clarissa thoughtfully2 with his turned-around necktie he had a sacerdotal look4 8,do you often think of falling from high places8 of being pushed from windows or perhaps high trees80 8,only when ,i'm on the top floor of the world's highest building surrounded by raving maniacs do such forebodings occur to me1 doctor4 ,had you a greater sense of reality you might be experiencing the same apprehension40 ,stokharin clapped his hands happily4 8,classic1 classic4 ,to believe she alone knows reality4 ,madam1 ,i suggest that you44440 ,there was a roar of sound from the hallway2 a noise of glass shattering2 a revolver went off with a sharp report and1 frozen with alarm1 ,i waited for its echo3 there was none2 only shouts of3 ,cave6 ,cave6 ,cave6 ,surrounded by police1 ,cave and ,iris were escorted into the office4 ,more police held the door1 aided by the office crew who1 suddenly inspired1 were throwing paper cups full of water into the crowd4 ,flash bulbs like an electric storm flared in all directions as the newspaper men invaded the office1 let in by the police who could not hold them back4 ,iris looked frightened and even ,cave seemed alarmed by the rioting4 ,once the police lieutenant had got ,cave and ,iris into the office1 he sent his men back to hold the corridor4 ,before he joined them he said sternly1 breathing hard from the struggle1 8,we're going to clear the hall in the next hour4 ,when we do we'll come and get you people out of here4 ,you got to leave whether you want to or not4 ,this is an emergency40 8,an hour is all we need1 officer40 ,paul was smooth4 8,and may ,i tell you that my old friend1 the ,commissioner1 is going to hear some extremely nice things about the efficiency and good sense of his men40 ,before the lieutenant had got around to framing a suitably warm answer1 ,paul had maneuvered him out of the inner office2 he locked the door behind him4 8,there10 he said1 turning to us1 very businesslike4 8,it was a mistake meeting here after last night4 ,i'm sorry1 ,john40 8,it's not your fault40 ,cave1 having found himself an uncomfortable straight chair in a corner of the room1 sat very erect1 like a child in serious attendance upon adults4 8,i had a hunch we should hold the meeting out on ,long ,island40 ,paul scowled4 8,i hate the idea of the press getting a look at you4 ,spoils the mystery effect2 guess it was bound to happen1 though4 ,you won't have to talk to them40 8,oh1 but ,i will10 said ,cave easily1 showing who was master here1 this day4 8,but 444 well1 after what we decided1 the initial strategy being44440 8,no4 ,it's all changed now1 ,paul4 ,i'll have to face them1 at least this once4 ,i'll talk to them the way ,i always talk4 ,they'll listen40 ,his voice grew dreamy4 ,he was indifferent to ,paul's discomfiture4 8,did you get a new place80 asked ,iris1 suddenly1 to divert the conversation4 8,what8 ,oh yes4 ,a whole house1 five stories on ,east ,sixty-first ,street4 ,should be big enough4 ,at least for now40 ,the inter-office communicator sounded4 ,paul spoke quickly into it3 8,tell the newspaper people to wait out there4 ,we'll have a statement in exactly an hour and they'll be able 44410 he paused and looked at ,cave for some reprieve2 then1 seeing none1 he finished3 8,they'll be able to interview ,cave40 ,he flipped the machine off4 ,through the locked door1 we heard a noise of triumph from the gathered journalists and photographers4 8,well1 come along10 said ,clarissa1 8,i thought this was to be a board of directors meeting4 ,cave1 dear1 you've got to preside40 ,but1 though he said he'd rather not1 ,clarissa1 in a sudden storm of legality1 insisted that he must3 she also maliciously demanded a complete reading of the last meeting's minutes by ,paul1 the secretary4 ,we were able to save him by a move to waive the reading which was proposed1 recorded and passed by a show of hands1 only ,clarissa dissenting4 ,cave conducted the meeting solemnly4 ,then ,clarissa demanded a report from the treasurer and this time ,paul was not let off4 ,for the first time ,i had a clear picture of the company of which ,i was a director4 ,shares had been sold4 ,control was in the hands of ,clarissa1 while ,paul and several ,west ,coast industrialists whose names were not familiar to me1 also had shares4 ,the main revenue of the company now came from the sponsor of ,cave's television show4 ,there was also a trickle of contributions which1 in the last few weeks1 had increased considerably4 ,then ,paul read from a list of expenses1 his voice hurrying a little over his own salary which was1 ,i thought1 a bit large4 ,cave's expenses were recorded and1 with ,clarissa goading from time to time1 ,paul gave an accounting of all that had been spent since the arrival in ,new ,york4 ,john ,cave was a big business4 8,the books are audited at standard intervals10 said ,paul1 looking at ,clarissa as he finished1 some of his good humor returning4 8,we will not declare dividends unless ,mrs4 ,lessing insists the company become a profit-making enterprise40 8,it might not be a bad idea10 said ,clarissa evenly4 8,why not get a little return44440 ,but ,paul had launched into policy4 ,we listened attentively4 ,from time to time1 ,cave made a suggestion4 ,iris and ,i made no comment4 ,stokharin occasionally chose to illuminate certain human problems as they arose and ,paul1 at least1 heard him out respectfully4 ,clarissa wanted to know all about costs and her interruptions were always brief and shrewd4 ,several decisions were made at that meeting4 ,it was decided that a ,center be established and headed by ,dr4 ,stokharin to take care of those ,cavites whose problems might be helped by therapy4 8,we just apply classical concepts to their little troubles10 he said4 8,but it shouldn't seem like a clinic10 said ,iris suddenly4 8,it's all part of ,john1 of what ,john says40 8,we'll make that perfectly clear10 said ,paul quickly4 ,stokharin nodded agreeably4 8,after all it is in his name they come to us4 ,we take it from there4 ,no more problems 444 all is contentment40 ,he smacked his lips4 ,it was then decided that ,cave would spend the summer quietly and1 in the autumn1 begin a tour of the country to be followed by more telecasts in the following winter4 8,the summer is to think a little in10 were ,cave's words4 ,next1 ,i was assigned the task of writing a defense of ,cave for certain vast syndicates2 ,i was also requested to compose a set of dialogues which would record ,cave's views on such problems as marriage1 the family1 world government and various other problems all in urgent need of answering4 ,i suggested1 diffidently1 that it would be very useful if ,cave were to tell me what he thought about such things before ,i wrote my dialogues4 ,cave said1 quite seriously1 that we would have the summer in which to handle all these subjects4 ,paul then told us the bad news2 there was a good deal of it4 8,the ,cardinal1 in the name of all the ,diocesan ,bishops1 has declared that any ,catholic who observes the telecasts of ,john ,cave or attends in person his blasphemous lectures commits a grave and mortal sin4 ,bishop ,winston came to tell me that not only is he attacking ,cave in the press but that he is quite sure1 if we continue1 the government will intervene4 ,it was a hint1 and not too subtle40 8,on what grounds intervene80 asked ,cave4 8,what have ,i done that breaks one of their laws80 8,they'll trump up something10 said ,clarissa4 8,i'm afraid you're right4 ,they can always find something to get us on4 ,so far1 that is about the worst that can happen40 8,but do you think it will80 ,i asked4 8,free speech is still on the books40 ,paul chuckled grimly4 8,that's just where it stays1 too40 ,and he quoted the national credo3 ,in a true democracy there is no place for a serious difference of opinion on truly great issues4 8,sooner or later they'll try to stop ,cave40 8,but they can't60 said ,iris4 8,the people won't stand for it40 8,he's the father of too many now10 said ,stokharin sagely4 8,no son will rise to dispute him1 yet40 8,no use to get excited in advance40 ,paul was reasonable4 8,now let's get a statement ready for the press40 ,while ,paul and ,cave worked over the statement1 the rest of us chatted quietly about other problems4 ,stokharin was just about to explain the origin of alcoholism in terms of the new ,cavite pragmatism1 when ,iris said3 8,look60 and pointed to the window where1 bobbing against the glass1 was a bright red child's balloon on which had been crudely painted3 8,jesus ,saves40 ,stokharin chuckled when he saw it4 8,very ingenious4 ,someone gets on the floor beneath and tries to shake us with his miracle4 ,now we produce the counter-miracle40 ,he slid the window open4 ,the cold air chilled us all4 ,he took his glowing pipe and jabbed it into the balloon which exploded loudly2 then he shut the window beaming4 8,it will be that easy10 he said4 8,i promise you4 ,a little fire and3 pop6 they disappear like bad dreams40 ,,seven #a ,the next six months after the directors' meeting were full of activity1 and danger4 ,paul was forced to hire bodyguards to protect ,cave from disciples as well as from enemies while the rest of us who were now known publicly as ,cave's associates were obliged to protect our privacy with unlisted telephone numbers and numerous other precautions none of which did much good for we were continually harassed by maniacs and interviewers4 ,the effect ,cave had made on the world was larger than even ,paul1 our one optimist1 had anticipated4 ,i believe even ,cave himself was startled by the vastness and the variety of the response4 ,as ,i recall1 seldom did a day pass without some new expos or interpretation of this phenomenon4 ,bishop ,winston attacked after nearly every telecast4 ,the ,catholic ,church invoked its entire repertory of anathemas and soon it was whispered in devout ,christian circles that the anti-,christ had come at last1 sent to test the faith4 ,yet1 despite the barrage of attacks1 the majority of those who heard ,cave became his partisans and ,paul1 to my regret but to the delight of everyone else1 established a number of ,cavite ,centers in the major cities of the ,united ,states1 each provided with a trained staff of analysts who had also undergone an intensive indoctrination in ,cavesword4 ,stokharin headed these clinics with great energy4 ,at ,cave's suggestion1 one evening a week1 the same evening1 ,cavites would gather to discuss ,cavesword1 to meditate on the beauty of death1 led in their discussions and meditations by a disciple of ,cave who was1 in the opinion of the directors1 equal to the task of representing ,cave himself and his word before vast congregations4 ,iris was placed in charge of recruiting and training the proselytizers1 while ,paul handled the business end2 obtaining property in different cities and managing the large sums of money which poured in from all over the world4 ,except for ,cave's one encounter with the press that day in the ,empire ,state ,building 7an occasion which1 despite its ominous beginning1 became a rare triumph3 ,cave's magic had worked even with the hostile71 he was seen by no one except his intimates and the technicians of the television studio4 ,ways were found to disguise him so that he would not be noticed in the lobbies or elevators of the television network building4 ,later he spoke only from his ,long ,island retreat1 his speeches being recorded on film in advance4 ,by the time summer had arrived1 there were over three million registered ,cavites in the ,united ,states as well as numerous1 unorganized believers abroad4 ,paul was everywhere at once1 flying from city to city 7accompanied by two guards and a secretary72 he personally broke ground in ,dallas for what was to be the largest ,cavite ,center in the ,united ,states and although the inaugural ceremonies were nearly stopped by a group of ,baptist ladies carrying banners and shouting 8,onward ,christian ,soldiers10 no one was hurt and the two oil millionaires who had financed the ,center gave a great barbecue on the foundation site which was attended by many distinguished guests4 ,iris was entirely changed by her responsibilities4 ,she had become1 in the space of a few months1 brisk1 energetic1 as deeply involved in details as a housewife with a new home4 ,i saw very little of her that spring4 ,her days were mostly spent in a rented loft in the ,chelsea district where she lectured the candidates for field work and organized a makeshift system of indoctrination for these potential ,residents1 as the heads of the various centers were known4 ,she was extraordinarily well fitted for this work1 to my surprise1 and before the year ended she had what was in fact a kind of university where as many as three hundred men and women at a time were regularly transformed into ,residents and ,deputy ,residents and so on down through an ever proliferating hierarchy4 ,for the most part1 the first men and women we sent out to the country were highly educated1 thoughtful people1 entirely devoted to ,cavesword4 ,they were1 ,i think1 the best of all1 for later1 when it became lucrative to be a ,resident1 the work was largely taken over by energetic careerists whose very activity and competence diminished their moral effectiveness4 ,iris used me unmercifully those first months4 ,i lectured her students2 ,i taught philosophy until1 in exasperation at the absurdity of that1 ,i told her to hire a professional teacher of philosophy which she did4 ,yet ,i enjoyed these men and women4 ,their sincerity1 their excitement communicated itself to me and ,i became aware of something ,i had only known before from reading1 from hearsay3 the religious sense which ,i so clearly lacked1 as did both ,paul and ,stokharin4 ,i don't think ,cave really possessed it either because1 although he believed entirely in himself and in the miraculous truth of his word1 he did not possess that curious power to identify himself with creation1 to transcend the self in contemplation of an abstraction1 to sacrifice the personality to a mystical authority2 none of us1 save ,iris in love1 possessed this power which1 as nearly as ,i can get at it1 is the religious sense in man4 ,i learned about it only from those who came to learn from us in that ,chelsea loft4 ,in a sense1 ,i pitied them for ,i knew that much of what they evidently believed with such passion was wrong but1 at the same time1 ,i was invigorated by their enthusiasm1 by the hunger with which they devoured ,cavesword1 by the dignity which their passion lent an enterprise that in ,paul's busy hands resembled more often than not1 a cynical commercial venture4 ,and ,i recognized in them 7oh1 very early1 perhaps in the first weeks of talking to them7 that1 in their goodness and their love they would1 with ,cavesword1 smudge as it turned each bright new page of life2 yet1 suspecting this1 ,i did not object nor did ,i withdraw4 ,instead1 fascinated1 ,i was borne by the tide to the shore ahead whose every rock ,i could imagine1 sharp with disaster4 ,once a week the directors met on ,long ,island in the walled estate where ,cave now lived with his guards 7his host had thoughtfully moved elsewhere until ,cave chose for him to return74 ,the meetings soon demonstrated a division in our ranks between ,paul and ,stokharin on the one side and ,iris1 ,clarissa and ,cave on the other with myself as partisan1 more often than not1 to ,cave4 ,the division was amiable but significant4 ,paul and ,stokharin wanted to place the ,centers directly under the supervision of the analysts while the rest of us1 led by ,iris 7,cave seldom intervened1 but we had accepted already the fact that ,iris spoke for him71 preferred that the ,centers be governed by the ,residents4 8,it is certainly true that the therapists are an important part of each ,center10 said ,iris briskly1 at the end of a long wrangle with ,stokharin4 8,but these are ,cavite ,centers and not clinics for the advancement of post-,jungian analysis4 ,it is ,cavesword which draws people to the ,centers1 not mental illness4 ,those who have problems are of course helped by ,stokharin's people but1 finally1 it is ,cave who has made it possible for them to face death4 ,something no one has done before40 ,and thus the point was won in our council though ,stokharin and ,paul were still able at times1 slyly1 to insinuate their own creatures into important ,residencies4 ,my own work went on fitfully4 ,i composed an answer to ,bishop ,winston which brought down on my head a series of ecclesiastical thunderbolts1 each louder than the one before4 ,i wrote a short life of ,cave in simple declarative sentences which enjoyed a considerable success for many years and1 finally1 seriously1 my first attempt at a real counterattack1 ,i began the several dialogues in which ,cave and ,i purportedly traversed the entire field of moral action4 ,i felt that in these dialogues ,i could quietly combat those absolutist tendencies which ,i detected in the disciples4 ,cave himself made no pretense of being final on any subject other than death where1 even without his particular persuasiveness1 he stood on firm1 even traditional ground4 ,the attacks he received he no longer noticed4 ,it was as simple as that4 ,he'd never enjoyed reading and to watch others make telecasts bored him1 even when they spoke of him4 ,after the fateful ,empire ,state ,building conference he ceased to attend the world2 except for a few letters which ,paul forwarded to him and his relations with us1 he was completely cut off from ordinary life1 and perfectly happy4 ,for though human contacts had been reduced to a minimum1 he still possessed the polished glass eye of the world before whose level gaze he appeared once a week and experienced what he called3 8,everyone3 all of them1 listening and watching everywhere40 ,in one year he had come a long way from the ex-embalmer who had studied a book of newspaper clippings on a ,washington farm and brooded about an old man in a hospital4 ,though ,paul was never to refer again to the victim of ,cave's driving1 ,i was quite sure that he expected1 sooner or later1 it would return to haunt us all4 ,by midsummer1 however1 ,cave had grown restless and bored and since the telecasts had been discontinued until the following ,november1 he was eager to travel4 ,he was never to lose his passion for places4 ,it was finally decided that he spend the summer on one of the ,florida keys1 a tiny island owned by a ,cavite who offered to place everything at ,cave's disposal4 ,and1 though warned that the heat might be uncomfortable1 ,cave and his retinue left secretly one night by chartered seaplane from ,long ,island ,sound and for at least a month the press did not know what had happened to him4 ,i declined to accompany ,cave and ,iris4 ,paul remained in ,new ,york while ,iris's work was temporarily turned over to various young enthusiasts1 trained by her4 ,i went back to the ,hudson ,valley1 to my house and4444 #b ,i've not been able to write for several days4 ,according to the doctor1 it is a touch of heat but ,i suspect that this is only his kind euphemism4 ,i had broken off in my narrative to take a walk in the garden last ,friday afternoon when ,i was joined by ,butler whose attentions lately have been more numerous than ,i should like4 8,he'll be here ,sunday1 ,hudson4 ,why don't we all three have dinner together that night and celebrate40 ,i said nothing could give me more pleasure1 as ,i inched along the garden path1 moving toward the hot shaded center where1 beneath fruit trees1 a fine statue of ,osiris stood1 looted in earlier days by the hotel management from one of the temples4 ,i thought1 however1 with more longing of the bench beside the statue than of the figure itself whose every serene detail ,i'd long since memorized4 ,butler adjusted his loose long stride to my own uneven pace4 ,i walked as ,i always do now with my eyes upon the ground1 nervously avoiding anything which might make me stumble for ,i have fallen down a number of times in the last few years and ,i have a terror of broken bones1 the particular scourge of old bodies4 ,i was as glad as not that ,i didn't have to watch my companion while we chatted1 for his red honest face1 forever dripping sweat1 annoyed me more than was reasonable4 8,and he'll be pleased to know ,i've got us a ,center4 ,not much of one but good enough for a start40 ,i paused before a formidable rock which lay directly in my path4 ,it would take some doing to step over it1 ,i thought1 as ,i remarked1 8,i'm sure the ,pasha doesn't know about this40 8,not really40 ,butler laughed happily4 8,he thinks we're just taking a house for ourselves to study the local culture4 ,later1 after we get going1 he can find out40 8,i should be very careful10 ,i said and1 very careful myself1 ,i stepped over the rock3 my legs detested the extra exertion2 one nearly buckled as it touched the ground4 ,i threw my weight on my cane and was saved a fall4 ,butler had not noticed4 8,jessup is going to bring in the literature4 ,we'll say it's our library4 ,all printed in ,arabic1 too4 ,the ,dallas ,center thinks of everything40 8,are they 444 equipped for such things80 8,oh yes4 ,that's where the main university is now4 ,biggest one in the world4 ,i didn't go there myself4 ,marks weren't good enough1 but ,jessup did4 ,he'll tell you all about it4 ,quite a crew they turn out3 best in the business but then they get the cream of the crop to begin with40 8,tell me1 are the ,residents still in charge of the ,centers or do they share the administration with the therapists80 8,therapists80 ,butler seemed bewildered4 8,in the old days there used to be the ,resident and his staff and then a clinic attached where44440 8,you really are behind the times40 ,butler looked at me as though ,i'd betrayed a firsthand knowledge of earth's creation4 8,all ,residents and their staffs1 including the ,communicators like myself1 get the same training2 part of it is in mental therapy4 ,others who show particular aptitude for it are assigned clinical work just as ,i do communication work in foreign countries4 ,people who get to be ,residents are usually teachers and administrators4 ,sometimes a ,communicator gets a ,residency in his old age as a reward for the highest services40 ,he then explained to me the official1 somewhat ,byzantine structure of the ,cavites4 ,there were many new tides1 indicating a swollen organization under the direction of a ,counsel of ,residents which1 in turn1 was responsible for the election from among their number of a unique ,chief ,resident whose reign lasted for the remainder of his lifetime4 ,with relief1 ,i sat down on the bench beside ,osiris4 ,butler joined me4 8,dallas of course is the main ,residency10 he said4 8,it used to be in ,new ,york1 years ago10 ,i said1 thinking of the brownstone house1 of the loft on ,twenty-third ,street4 8,around twenty years ago it was moved to ,dallas by the ,chief ,resident4 ,not only did they have the best-equipped ,center there but the ,texans make just about the best ,cavites in the country4 ,what they won't do for ,cavesword isn't worth mentioning4 ,they burned the old churches1 you know 444 every one in the state40 8,and one or two ,baptist ,ministers as well80 8,you can't break eggs without making an omelet10 said ,butler sententiously4 8,i see what you mean4 ,still1 ,cave was against persecution4 ,he always felt it was enough for people to hear ,cavesword44440 8,you got a lot of reading to do10 said ,butler sharply4 8,looks like you've forgotten your text3 ',and1 if they persist in superstition1 strike them1 for one idolator is like a spoiled apple in the barrel1 contaminating the others4'0 ,butler's voice1 as he quoted1 was round and booming1 rich in vowel-sounds while his protruding eyes gazed without blinking into the invisible radiance of truth which hovered1 apparently1 above a diseased hibiscus bush4 8,i've forgotten that particular quotation10 ,i said4 8,seems funny you should since it's just about the most famous of the texts40 ,but1 though my ignorance continued to startle ,butler1 ,i could see that he was beginning to attribute it to senility rather than to laxity or potential idolatry4 8,i was a close follower in the first few years10 ,i said1 currying favor4 8,but ,i've been out of touch since and ,i suppose that1 after ,cave's death1 there was a whole mass of new doctrine with which ,i am unfamiliar1 to my regret40 8,doctrine60 ,butler was shocked4 8,we have no doctrine4 ,we are not one of those heathen churches with claims to 'divine' guidance4 ,we're simply listeners to ,cavesword4 ,that's all4 ,he was the first to tell the plain truth and1 naturally1 we honor him but there is no doctrine even though he guides us the way a good father does his children40 8,i am very old10 ,i said in my best dying-fall voice4 8,you must remember that when you are with me you are in the company of a man who was brought up in the old ways1 who uses ,christian terms from time to time4 ,i was thirty when ,cave began his mission4 ,i am1 as a matter of fact1 nearly the same age as ,cave himself if he were still alive40 ,this had its calculated effect4 ,butler looked at me with some awe4 8,golly60 he said4 8,it doesn't really seem possible1 does it8 ,of course there're still a few people around who were alive in those days but ,i don't know of anybody who actually saw ,cave4 ,you did tell me you saw him80 8,once only40 8,was he like the telecasts80 8,oh yes4 ,even more effective1 ,i think40 8,he was big of course1 six feet one inch tall40 8,no1 he was only about five feet eight inches1 a little shorter than ,i44440 8,you must be mistaken because1 according to all the texts1 he was six feet one40 8,i saw him at a distance of course4 ,i was only guessing40 ,i was amused that they should have seen fit to change even ,cave's stature4 8,you can tell he was a tall man from the telecasts40 8,do they still show them80 8,still show them6 ,they're the main part of our weekly ,get-togethers4 ,each ,residency has a complete library of ,cave's telecasts1 one hundred eight including the last4 ,each week1 a different one is shown by the ,resident's staff and the ,resident himself1 or someone assigned by him1 discusses the message40 8,and they still hold up after fifty years80 8,hold up8 ,we learn more from them each year4 ,you should see all the books and lectures on ,cavesword 444 several hundred important ones which we have to read as part of our communication duties1 though they're not for the laymen4 ,we discourage nonprofessionals from going into such problems1 much too complicated for the untrained mind40 8,i should think so4 ,tell me1 is there any more trouble with the idolators80 ,butler shook his head4 8,just about none4 ,they were licked when the parochial schools were shut down4 ,that took care of ,catholicism4 ,of course there were some bad times4 ,i guess you know all about them40 ,i nodded4 ,even in ,egypt ,i had heard of massacres and persecutions4 ,i could still recall the morning when ,i opened the ,cairo paper and saw a large photograph of ,st ,peter's ,cathedral smoldering in its ruins1 a fitting tomb for the last ,pope and martyr who had perished there when a mob of ,cavites had fired the ,vatican4 ,the ,cairo paper took an obvious delight in these barbarities and ,i had not the heart to read of the wanton destruction of ,michelangelo's and ,bernini's works1 the looting of the art galleries1 the bonfire which was made in the ,papal gardens of the entire ,vatican library4 ,later1 word came of a certain assistant-,resident of ,topeka who1 with a group of demolition experts and ,cavite enthusiasts1 ranged across ,france and ,italy destroying the cathedrals with the approval of the local governments1 and to the cheers of ,cavite crowds who gathered in great numbers to watch1 delightedly1 the crumbling of these last monuments to superstition4 ,fortunately1 the tourist bureaus were able to save a few of the lesser churches4 8,the edict of ,washington which outlawed idolatrous schools did the trick4 ,the ,atlantic government has always believed in toleration3 even to this day it is possible for a man to be a ,christian1 though unlikely since the truth is so well known40 8,but he has no churches left and no clergy40 8,true1 and if that discourages him he's not likely to remain too long in error4 ,as ,i've told you1 though1 we have our ways of making people see the truth40 8,the calculable percentage40 8,exactly40 ,i looked at ,osiris in the green shade4 ,his diorite face smiled secretly back at me4 8,did you have much trouble in the ,latin countries80 8,less than you might think4 ,the ignorant were the big problem because1 since they didn't know ,english1 we weren't able to use the telecasts4 ,fortunately1 we had some able ,residents and after a little showmanship1 a few miracles 7or what they took to be miracles7 they came around1 especially when many of their ex-priests told them about ,cavesword4 ,nearly all of the older ,residents in the ,mediterranean countries were once ,catholic priests40 8,renegades80 8,they saw the truth2 not without some indoctrination1 ,i suspect4 ,we've had to adapt a good many of our procedural methods to fit local customs4 ,the old ,christmas has become ,cavesday and what was ,easter is now ,irisday40 8,iris ,mortimer80 8,of course2 who else8 ,and then certain festivals which44440 8,i suppose she's dead now40 8,why1 yes4 ,she died six years ago4 ,she was the last of the original five40 8,ah1 yes1 the five3 ,paul ,himmell1 ,iris ,mortimer1 ,ivan ,stokharin1 ,clarissa ,lessing and44440 8,and ,edward ,hastings4 ,we still use his introduction even though it's been largely obsoleted by later tests4 ,his dialogues will of course be the basis for that final book of ,cave which our best scholars have been at work on for over twenty years40 ,hastings1 of all people6 ,i nearly laughed aloud4 ,poor feckless ,hastings was now the author of my dialogues with ,cave3 ,i marveled at the ease with which the innumerable references to myself had been deleted4 ,i began to doubt of my own existence4 ,i asked if ,hastings were still alive and was told that he too was long dead4 ,i then asked again about ,iris4 8,some very exciting things have come to light10 said ,butler4 8,certain historians at the ,dallas ,center feel that there is some proof that she was ,cave's sister40 ,i was startled by this4 8,how could that be8 ,wasn't she from ,detroit8 and wasn't he from ,seattle8 and didn't they meet for the first time in southern ,california at the beginning of his mission80 8,i see you know more ,cavite history than you pretend10 said ,butler amiably4 8,that of course has been the traditional point of view4 ,yet as her influence increased in the world 7in ,italy1 you know1 one sees her picture nearly as often as ,cave's7 our historians became suspicious4 ,it was all perfectly simple1 really3 if she could exert nearly the same power as ,cave himself then she must1 in some way1 be related to him4 ,i suppose you know about the ,miami business4 ,no8 ,well1 their ,resident1 some years ago1 openly promulgated the theory that ,cave and ,iris ,mortimer were man and wife4 ,a great many people believed him and though the ,chief ,resident at ,dallas issued a statement denying the truth of all this1 ,miami continued in error and it took our indoctrination team several years to get the situation back to normal4 ,but the whole business did get everyone to thinking and1 with the concurrence of ,dallas himself1 investigations have been made4 ,i don't know many of the details but my colleague probably will4 ,he keeps track of that kind of thing40 8,if she is proven to be ,cave's sister will she have equal rank with him80 8,certainly not4 ,cavesword is everything2 but she will be equal to him on the human level though his inferior in truth3 at least that appears to be the ,dallas interpretation40 8,she was very active1 ,i suppose80 8,right until the end4 ,she traveled all over the world with ,cavesword and1 when she grew too old to travel1 she took over the ,residency of ,new ,york ,city which she held until she died4 ,as a matter of fact1 ,i have a picture of her which ,i always carry4 ,it was taken in the last years40 ,he pulled out a steel-mesh wallet in which1 protected by cellophane1 was a photograph of ,iris3 the first ,i had seen in many many years4 ,my hand shook as ,i held the picture up to the light4 ,for a split second ,i felt her presence1 saw in the saddened face1 framed by white hair1 my summer love which had never been except in my own dreaming where ,i was whole and loved this creature whose luminous eyes had not altered with age1 their expression the same as that night beside the western sea 444 but then my fingers froze2 the wallet fell to the ground2 ,i fainted into what ,i supposed with my last vestiges of consciousness to be death1 to be nothing4 #c ,i awakened in my own bed with my old friend ,doctor ,hussein beside me4 ,he looked much concerned while1 at the foot of the bed1 stood ,butler1 very solemn and still4 ,i resolved not to die with him in the room4 8,my apologies1 ,mr ,butler10 ,i said1 surprised that ,i could speak at all4 8,i'm afraid ,i dropped your picture40 ,i had no difficulty in remembering what had happened4 ,it was as if ,i had suddenly shut my eyes and opened them again1 several hours having passed instead of as many seconds4 ,time1 ,i decided1 was all nonsense4 8,think nothing of it2 ,i'm only44440 8,you must not strain yourself1 ,mr4 ,hudson10 said the doctor3 a touch of sun1 a few days in bed1 plenty of liquids1 a pill or two1 and ,i was left alone with a buzzer beside my bed which would summon the houseboy if ,i should have a coherent moment before taking a last turn for the worse4 ,the next time1 ,i think1 will be the final one and though ,i detest the thought1 these little rehearsals over the last few years1 the brief strokes1 the sudden flooding of parts of the brain with the blood of capillaries in preparation for that last arterial deluge1 have got me used to the idea4 ,my only complaint is that odd things are done to my memory by these strokes which1 light as they have been1 tend to alter parts of the brain1 those parts which hold the secrets of the past4 ,i have found this week1 while convalescing from ,tuesday's collapse1 that most of my childhood has been washed clean out of my memory4 ,i knew of course that ,i was born on the banks of the ,hudson but ,i cannot for the life of me recall what schools ,i attended2 yet my memories from my college days on seem unimpaired though ,i have had to reread this memoir attentively to resume my train of thought1 to refresh a dying memory4 ,it is strange indeed to have lost some twenty years as though they'd never been and1 worse still1 to be unable to find out about oneself in any case1 since the will of others has effectively abolished one4 ,i do not exist to the world and very soon 7how soon ,i wonder871 ,i shall not exist even to myself1 only this record a fragile proof that ,i once lived4 ,now ,i am able to work again4 ,butler pays me a daily visit1 as does the doctor4 ,both are very kind but both tend to treat me as a thing which no longer matters4 ,i have been written-off in their minds3 ,i'm no longer really human since soon1 perhaps in a few days1 ,i shall not be one of them but one of the dead whose dust motes the air they breathe4 ,well1 let it come4 ,the fraternity of the dead1 though nothing1 is the larger kingdom4 ,i'm able to sit up in bed 7actually ,i can get around as well or as badly as before but it tires me too much to walk so ,i remain abed74 ,sunday is here at last and from the excited bustle in the air which ,i feel rather than hear1 ,butler's colleague must have arrived4 ,i am not ready for him yet and ,i have hung a 8,do ,not ,disturb0 sign on the door1 composed emphatically in four languages4 ,it should keep them out for a few days4 ,i have a premonition of disaster which1 though it is no doubt perfectly natural at my age with the last catastrophe almost upon me1 seems to be of a penultimate nature1 a final human crisis4 ,all that ,i have heard from ,butler about this young man1 this colleague of his1 disposes me to fear him4 ,for although my existence has been kept a secret from the newer generations1 the others1 the older ones1 the chief counselors are well aware of me and though ,i have so far evaded their agents and though they undoubtedly assume that ,i am long since dead it is still possible that a shrewd young man with a career in the making might grow suspicious and one word to the older members of the hierarchy would be enough to start an inquisition which could end in assassination 7ironic that ,i should fear that at this point67 or1 more terrible1 in a course of indoctrination where my apostasy would be reduced by drugs to conformity4 ,it would be the most splendid triumph for ,cave if1 in my last days1 ,i should recant3 the best victory of all1 the surrender of the original lutherist upon his deathbed4 ,yet ,i have a trick or two up my sleeve and the game's not yet over4 ,should the new arrival prove to be the one ,i have so long awaited1 ,i shall know how to act3 ,i have planned for this day4 ,my adversary will find me armed4 ,but now old days draw me back2 the crisis approaches in my narrative4 #d ,the first summer was my last on the ,hudson1 at peace4 ,iris wrote me regularly from the ,florida keys3 short1 brisk letters completely impersonal and devoted largely to what 8he0 was doing and saying4 ,it seems that 8he0 was enchanted by the strangeness of the keys1 yet was anxious to begin traveling again4 ,with some difficulty1 ,i gathered between the lines1 ,iris had restrained him from starting out on a world tour3 8,he says he wants to see ,saigon and ,samarkand and so forth soon because he likes the names4 ,i don't see how he can get away yet1 though maybe in the fall after his tour4 ,they say now he can make his talks on film all at once which will mean of course he won't have to go through anything like last winter again40 ,there followed more news1 an inquiry into my health 7in those days ,i was confident ,i should die early of a liver ailment3 my liver of course now seems the one firm organ in my body2 in any case1 ,i enjoyed my hypochondria7 and a reference to the various things ,i was writing for the instruction of converts and detractors both4 ,i pushed the letter away and looked out across the river4 ,i was alone1 awaiting ,clarissa for tea4 ,i had actually prepared tea since she never drank alcohol and ,i myself was a light drinker at best 444 a non-drinker that summer when my liver rested 7so powerful is imagination7 like a brazen cannonball against the cage of bones4 ,i sat on my porch which overlooked the lawn and the water2 unlike the other houses on that river1 mine had the railroad behind it instead of in front of it1 an agreeable state of affairs2 ,i don't mind the sound of trains though the sight of them on their squalid tracks depresses me4 ,beside me1 among the careful tray of tea things1 the manuscript of my dialogue lay neglected4 ,i had not yet made up my mind whether to read it to ,clarissa or not4 ,such things tended to bore her2 yet1 if she could be enticed into attention1 her opinion would be useful3 such a long memory of old customs would be invaluable to me as ,i composed1 with diligence rather than inspiration1 an ethical system whose single virtue was that it tended to satisfy the needs of human beings as much as was possible without inviting chaos4 ,i had1 that morning over coffee1 abolished marriage4 ,during lunch1 served me by my genteel but impoverished housekeeper 7although servants still existed in those days in a few great houses1 people like myself were obliged to engage the casual services of the haughty poor71 ,i decided to leave marriage the way it was but make divorce much simpler4 ,after lunch1 suffering from a digestive-inspired headache1 ,i not only abolished marriage again but resolutely handed the children over to the impersonal mercies of the state4 ,now1 bemused1 relaxed1 my eyes upon the pale blue ,catskills and the summer green1 the noise of motorboats like great waterbugs in my ears1 ,i brooded upon the implications of what ,i was doing and1 though ,i was secretly amused at my own confidence1 ,i realized1 too1 that what ,i felt and did and wrote1 though doubtless unorthodox to many1 was1 finally1 not really the work of my own inspiration but a logical result of all that was in the world3 a statement of the dreams of others which ,i could formulate only because ,i shared them4 ,cave regarded his own words as revelation when1 actually1 they only echoed the collective mind1 a plausible articulation of what most men felt even though their conscious minds were antipathetic1 corseted and constricted by stereotyped ways of thinking1 the opposite of what they truly believed4 ,yet at this step ,i1 for one1 hesitated4 ,there was no doubt but that the children and the society would be the better for such an arrangement 444 and there was little doubt that our civilization was moving toward such a resolution4 ,but there were parents who would want to retain their children and children who might be better cared for by their progenitors than by even the best-intentioned functionaries of the state4 ,would the state allow parents to keep their children if they wanted them8 ,if not1 it was tyrannous2 if so1 difficult in the extreme1 for how could even the most enlightened board of analysts determine who should be allowed their children and who not8 ,the answer1 of course1 was in the retraining of future generations4 ,let them grow up accepting as inevitable and right the surrender of babies to the state4 ,other cultures had done it and ours could too4 ,but ,i was able1 vividly1 to imagine the numerous cruelties which would be perpetrated in the name of the whole1 while the opportunity for tyranny in a civilization where all children were at the disposal of a government brought sharply to mind the image of the anthill society which has haunted the imagination of the thoughtful for at least a century4 ,i had got myself into a most gloomy state by the time ,clarissa arrived1 trailing across the lawn in an exotic ankle-length gown of gray which floated in yards behind her1 like the diaphanous flags of some forgotten army4 8,your lawn is full of moles60 she shouted to me1 pausing in her progress and scowling at a patch of turf4 8,and it needs cutting and more clover4 ,always more clover1 remember that40 ,she turned her back on me to stare at the river which was as gray as her gown1 but1 in its soft tidal motion1 spangled with light1 like sequins on a vast train4 ,she had no criticism of the river when she at last turned and climbed the steps to the porch2 she sat down with a gasp4 8,i'm boiling6 ,tea8 ,hot tea to combat the heat40 ,i poured her a cup4 8,not a hot day at all40 ,actually it was very warm4 8,if you didn't get yourself up as a ,marie ,corelli heroine1 you'd be much cooler40 8,not very gallant1 are we today80 ,clarissa looked at me over her cup4 8,i've had this gown for five hundred years4 ,there used to be a wimple which went with it but ,i lost it somewhere40 8,the material seems to be holding up quite well10 and now that she had mentioned it1 there was an archaic look to the texture of the gown1 like those bits of cloth preserved under glass in museums4 8,silk lasts indefinitely1 if one is tidy4 ,i also don't wear this much1 as you can see1 but with the devalued state of the dollar 7an ominous sign1 my dear1 the beginning of the end67 ,i've been forced to redo a lot of old odds-and-ends ,i've kept for sentimental reasons4 ,this is one of them and ,i'm very fond of it40 ,she spoke this last slowly1 to forestall any further ungallantry4 8,i just wondered if it was cool40 8,it is cool4 ,ah1 a letter from ,iris40 ,like a magpie she had seen the letter beside my chair and1 without asking permission1 had seized it and read it through quickly4 8,i admire a girl who types10 she said1 letting fall the letter4 8,i suppose they all do now though it seems like only yesterday that1 next to opening a tearoom1 one typed1 working for men1 all of whom made advances4 ,that was when we had to wear corsets and hatpins4 ,one discouraged while the other quite protected40 ,clarissa chuckled at some obscene memory4 8,i wonder if ,paul can keep ,cave from wandering off to some impossible place40 8,i shouldn't be surprised40 ,she picked at the tea sandwiches suspiciously1 curling back the top slices of bread to see what was underneath3 tentatively1 she bit into deviled ham2 she chewed2 she swallowed2 she was not disappointed2 she wolfed another sandwich1 talking all the while4 8,poor ,cave is a captive now4 ,his disciples are in full command4 ,even ,mohammed1 as strong-headed as he was1 finally ended up a perfect pawn in the hands of ,abu ,bekr and the women1 especially the women40 8,i'm not so sure about ,cave4 ,he44440 8,does what they tell him1 especially ,iris40 8,iris8 ,but ,i should have said she was the only one who never tried to influence him40 ,clarissa laughed unpleasantly4 ,a moth flew into her artificial auburn hair2 unerringly1 she found it with one capable hand and quickly snuffed out its life in a puff of gray dust from broken wings4 ,she wiped her fingers on a paper napkin4 ,the day was full of moths but1 fortunately1 none came near us again1 preferring lawn and trees to us4 8,you are naive1 ,eugene10 she said1 her little murder done4 8,it's your nicest quality4 ,in theory you are remarkably aware of human character2 yet1 when you're confronted with the most implausible appearance1 you promptly take it for the reality40 ,i was irritated by this and also by the business of the sandwich1 not to mention the murder of the moth2 ,i looked at ,clarissa with momentary dislike4 8,i was not aware44440 ,i began in a chilled voice but she interrupted me with an airy wave of her hand4 8,i forget no one likes to be called naive 444 calculating1 dishonest1 treacherous1 people rather revel in those designations1 but to be thought trusting44440 ,she clapped her hands as though to punctuate her meaning2 then1 after a full stop1 she went on more soberly4 8,iris is the one to look out for4 ,our own sweet1 self-effacing1 dedicated ,iris4 ,i adore her2 ,i always have1 but she's up to no good40 8,i don't know what you're talking about40 8,you will4 ,you would if you weren't entirely blind to what they used to call human nature4 ,iris is acquiring ,cave40 8,acquiring80 8,exactly the word4 ,she loves him for all sorts of reasons but she cannot have him in the usual sense 7,i found out all about that1 by the way74 ,therefore1 the only thing left her to do is acquire him1 to take his life in hers4 ,you may think she may think that her slavish adoration is only humble love but actually it's something far more significant1 and dangerous40 8,i don't see the danger1 even accepting your hypothesis40 8,it's no hypothesis and the danger is real4 ,iris will have him and1 through him1 she'll have you all40 ,i did not begin to understand that day and ,clarissa1 in her pythoness way1 was no help1 muttering vague threats and imprecations with her mouth full of bread4 ,after my first jealousy at ,iris's preference of ,cave to me1 a jealousy which ,i knew1 even at the time1 was unjustified and a little ludicrous1 ,i had come to accept her devotion to ,cave as a perfectly natural state of affairs2 he was an extraordinary man and though he did not fulfill her in the usual sense1 he gave her more than mere lover might3 he gave her a whole life and ,i envied her for having been able to seize so shrewdly upon this unique way out of ordinary life and into something more grand1 more strange1 more engaging4 ,though ,i could not follow her1 ,i was able to appreciate her choice and admire the completeness of her days4 ,that she was obscurely using ,cave for her own ends1 subverting him1 did not seem to me possible and ,i was annoyed by ,clarissa's dark warnings4 ,i directed the conversation into the other waters4 8,the children4 ,i haven't decided what to do with them40 ,clarissa came to a full halt4 ,for a moment she forgot to chew4 ,then1 with a look of pain1 she swallowed4 8,your children80 8,any children1 all children10 ,i pointed to the manuscript on the table4 ,she began to understand4 8,i'm quite sure you have abolished marriage40 8,as a matter of fact1 yes1 this morning40 8,and now you don't know what to do about the children40 8,precisely4 ,i44440 8,perfectly simple40 ,clarissa was brisk3 this1 apparently1 was a problem she had already solved4 8,the next step is controlled breeding4 ,only those whose blood lines seem promising should be allowed to procreate4 ,now that oral contraceptives are so popular no one will make babies by accident 444 in fact1 it should be a serious crime if someone does40 8,quite neat1 but ,i wonder whether1 psychologically1 it's simple4 ,there's the whole business of instinct1 of the natural desire of a woman to want her own child after bearing it40 8,all habit 444 not innate4 ,children have been subordinate woman's ace in the hole for generations4 ,they have had to develop certain traits which1 in other circumstances1 they would not have entertained4 ,rats1 whom we closely resemble1 though they suckle their young will1 in moments of mild hunger or even exasperation1 think nothing of eating an entire litter4 ,you can condition human beings to accept any state of affairs as being perfectly natural40 8,i don't doubt that4 ,but how to break the habits of several thousand years40 8,i suppose there are ways4 ,look what ,cave is doing4 ,of course making death popular is not so difficult since1 finally1 people want it to be nice3 they do the real work or1 rather1 their terror does4 ,in place of superstition1 which they've nearly outgrown1 he offers them madness40 8,now really1 ,clarissa44440 8,i don't disapprove4 ,i'm all for him1 as you know4 ,to make death preferable to life is of course utter folly though a perfectly logical reaction for these poor bewildered savages who1 having lost their old superstitions1 are absolutely terrified at the prospect of nothing4 ,they want to perpetuate their little personalities forever into space and time and now they've begun to realize the folly of that 7who1 after all1 are they8 are we8 in creation87 they will follow desperately the first man who pulls the sting of death and ,cave is that man1 as ,i knew he would be40 8,and after ,cave80 8,i will not say what ,i see4 ,i'm on the side of change1 however1 which makes me in perfect harmony with life40 ,clarissa chuckled4 ,a fish leaped gayly in the still river2 out in the channel a barge glided by1 the muffled noise of its engines like slow heartbeats4 8,but you think it good for people to follow ,cave8 you think what he says is right80 8,nothing is good4 ,nothing is right4 ,but though ,cave is wrong1 it is a new wrong and so it is better than the old2 in any case1 he will keep the people amused and boredom1 finally1 is the one monster the race will never conquer 444 the monster which will devour us in time4 ,but now we're off the track4 ,mother love exists because we believe it exists4 ,believe it does not exist and it won't4 ,that1 ,i fear1 is the general condition of 'the unchanging human heart4' ,make these young girls feel that having babies is a patriotic duty as well as healthful therapy and they'll go through it blithely enough1 without ever giving a second thought to the child they leave behind in the government nursery40 8,but to get them to that state of acceptance44440 8,is the problem4 ,i'm sure it will be solved in a few generations40 8,you think ,i'm right to propose it80 8,of course4 ,it will happen anyway40 8,yet ,i'm disturbed at the thought of all that power in the hands of the state3 they can make the children believe anything2 they can impose the most terrible tyranny2 they can blind at birth so that none might ever see anything again but what a few rulers1 as ignorant as they1 finally1 will want them to see4 ,there'll be a time when all people are nearly alike40 8,which is precisely the ideal society4 ,no mysteries1 no romantics1 no discussions1 no persecutions because there's no one to persecute4 ,when all have received the same conditioning1 it will be like44440 8,insects40 8,who have existed longer than ourselves and will outlast our race by many comfortable millennia40 8,is existence everything80 8,there is nothing else40 8,then likeness is the aim of human society80 8,call it harmony4 ,you think of yourself only as you are now dropped into the midst of a society of dull conformists4 ,that's where you make your mistake4 ,you'll not live to see it for1 if you did1 you would be someone else1 a part of it4 ,no one of your disposition could possibly happen in such a society4 ,there would be no rebellion against sameness because difference would not1 in any important sense1 exist1 even as a proposition4 ,you think3 how terrible6 but think again how wonderful it would be to belong to the pack1 to the tribe1 to the race1 without guilt or anxiety or division40 8,i cannot imagine it40 8,no more can they imagine you40 8,this will happen80 8,yes1 and you will have been a part of it40 8,through ,cave80 8,partly1 yes4 ,there will be others after him4 ,his work in the future will be distorted by others1 but that's to be expected40 8,i don't like your future1 ,clarissa40 8,nor does it like you1 my dear4 ,the idea of someone who is gloomy and at odds with society1 bitter and angry1 separate from others 444 ,i shouldn't wonder but that you yourself might really be used as a perfect example of the old evil days40 8,virtue dies80 8,virtue becomes the property of the race40 8,imagination is forbidden80 8,no1 only channeled for the good of all40 8,and this is a desirable world8 the future you describe80 8,desirable for whom8 ,for you1 no4 ,for me1 not really4 ,for the people in it8 ,well1 yes and no4 ,they will not question their estate but they will suffer from a collective boredom which 444 but my lips are sealed4 ,your tea was delicious though the bread was not quite fresh2 but then bachelors never keep house properly4 ,i've gone on much too long2 do forget everything ,i've said4 ,i'm indiscreet4 ,i can't help it40 ,she rose1 a cloud of gray suspended above the porch4 ,i walked her across the lawn to the driveway where her car was parked4 ,the breeze had1 for the moment1 died and the heat prickled me unpleasantly2 my temples itched as the sweat started4 8,go on with it10 she said as she got into her car4 8,you may as well be on the side of the future as against it4 ,not that it much matters anyway4 ,when your adorable ,president ,jefferson was in ,paris he said44440 ,but the noise of the car starting drowned the body of her anecdote4 ,i caught only the end3 8,that harmony was preferable4 ,we were all amused2 ,i was the only one who realized that he was serious40 ,dust swirled and ,clarissa was gone down the drive at a great speed1 keeping1 ,i noticed1 to the wrong side of the road4 ,i hoped this was an omen4 #e ,i got through an unusually sultry ,july without much interference from either ,cave or the world4 ,paul paid me a quick visit to get the manuscript of the dialogues and ,i was reminded of those accounts of the progresses made by monarchs in other days1 or rather of great ministers1 for his party occupied four large cars which gleamed side by side in my driveway like glossy beasts while their contents1 ,paul and fourteen assistants1 all strange to me save ,stokharin1 wandered disconsolately about the lawn until their departure4 ,paul1 though brisk1 was cordial4 8,trouble all over the map but b-i-g t-r-o-u-b-l-e10 he spelled it out with relish1 size was important1 ,i knew1 to a publicist1 even to one turned evangelist4 8,is ,cave disturbed by it80 8,doesn't pay any attention4 ,haven't seen him but ,iris keeps me posted4 ,by the way1 we're hiring a plane the first week in ,august to go see him1 ,stokharin and me4 ,want to come along80 ,i didn't but ,i said ,i would4 ,i had no intention of being left out of anything3 there was my work still to do4 8,i'll let you know details4 ,this is hot stuff80 ,he waved the sheaf of papers ,i'd given him4 8,real hot10 ,i said but my irony was too pale1 only primary colors caught ,paul's eye4 8,i hope so4 ,got any new stunts80 ,i told him1 briefly1 about my thoughts on marriage or rather ,cave's thoughts4 ,the literary device was for me to ask him certain questions and for him to answer them or1 at least1 to ask pointed questions in his turn4 ,cheerfully1 ,i had committed ,cave to my own point of view and ,i was somewhat nervous about his reaction1 not to mention the others4 ,so far1 only ,clarissa knew and her approval was pleasant but perhaps frivolous3 it carried little weight1 ,i knew1 with the rest4 ,paul whistled4 8,you got us a tall order4 ,i'm not sure we'll be able to handle that problem yet1 if ever40 8,i've done it carefully10 ,i began4 ,stokharin1 who had been listening with interest1 came to my aid4 8,in the ,centers we1 how you say1 ,paul8 soft-pedal the family4 ,we advise young boys to make love to the young girls without marrying or having babies4 ,we speak of the family as a social unit1 and society changes4 ,i am most eager to study ,mr ,luther's approach4 ,perhaps a little aid from those of us in clinical work44440 ,but then the dark sedans began to purr2 nervous attendants whispered to ,paul and ,i was soon left alone with the fragments of our brief conversation to examine and interpret at my leisure4 ,i was surprised and pleased at ,stokharin's unexpected alliance4 ,i had thought of him as my chief antagonist4 ,but then1 my work finished1 ,i tended roses and read ,cassius ,dio until the summons in ,august came4 #f ,the plane landed on a glare of blue water1 more blinding even than the vivid sky about the sun itself which made both elements seem to be a quivering blue fire in which was destroyed all of earth save a tiny smear of dusty faded green1 the island of our destination4 ,the pilot maneuvered the plane against a bone-gray dock where1 all alone1 ,iris stood1 her hair tangled from the propellers' wind and her eyes hidden by dark glasses4 ,like explorers in a new country1 ,paul1 ,stokharin and ,i scrambled onto the dock1 the heat closing in about us like blue canvas1 stifling1 palpable4 ,i gasped and dropped my suitcase4 ,iris laughed and ran forward to greet us2 she came first to me which1 even in my dazzled1 shocked state1 ,i realized and valued4 8,gene1 you must get out of that suit this minute6 and get some dark glasses or you'll go blind4 ,paul1 how are you8 ,it's good to see you1 ,doctor40 ,and1 in the chatter of greetings1 she escorted us off the dock and across a narrow white beach to a grove of palm trees where the cottage stood4 ,to our delight1 the interior was cooled by machinery4 ,i sank into a wicker chair even while ,cave was pumping my hand4 ,iris laughed1 8,leave him alone1 ,john4 ,he's smothered by the heat40 8,no hat10 said ,cave solemnly after the first greeting which1 in my relief1 ,i'd not heard4 8,you'll get sunstroke40 ,paul was now in charge4 ,the heat which had enervated both ,stokharin and me filled him with manic energy1 like one of those reptiles which absorb vitality from the sun4 8,what a great little place1 ,john6 ,had no idea there were all the comforts of home down here1 none at all4 ,don't suppose you go out much80 ,cave1 unlike ,iris1 was not tanned though he had1 for him1 a good color1 a ruddiness of tone unlike his usual sallowness4 8,i don't get too much sun10 he admitted4 8,we go fishing sometimes1 early in the morning4 ,most of the time ,i just hang around the house and look at the letters1 and read some40 ,i noticed on the table beside me an enormous pile of travel magazines1 tourist folders and atlases3 this had obviously been ,cave's reading4 ,i anticipated trouble4 ,paul prowled restlessly about the modern living room with its shuttered sealed windows4 ,stokharin and ,i1 like fish back in their own element after a brief excursion on land1 gasped softly in our chairs while ,iris told us of the keys1 of their fishing trips4 ,she was at her best here as she had been that other time in ,spokane 444 being out of doors1 in ,cave's exclusive company1 brought her to life in a way the exciting busyness of ,new ,york did not4 ,in ,new ,york she seemed like an object through which an electric current passed2 here on this island1 in the sun's glare1 she had unfolded1 petal after petal until the secret interior seemed almost exposed4 ,i was conscious of her as a lovely woman and1 without warning1 ,i experienced desire3 that sharp rare longing which1 in me1 can reach no climax4 ,always before she had been a friend1 a companion whose company ,i had jealously valued3 her attention alone had been enough to satisfy me1 but on this day ,i saw her as a man entire might and ,i plummeted into despair while talking of ,plato4 8,the ,symposium was the model1 yes4 ,there are other ways of casting dialogues such as introducing the celebrated dead brought together for a chat in ,limbo4 ,i thought1 though1 that ,i should keep the talk to only two4 ,cave and myself 444 ,socrates and ,alcibiades40 ,alcibiades was precisely the wrong parallel but ,i left it uncorrected1 noticing how delicately the hollow at the base of her throat quivered with life's blood and although ,i attempted1 as ,i often had before with bitter success1 to think of her as so much mortal flesh1 the body and its beauty only pulp and bone1 only beautiful to a human eye 444 hideous1 no doubt1 to the eye of a geometric progression 444 that afternoon ,i was lost and ,i could not become1 even for a moment1 an abstract intelligence again3 ,i saw the bone2 ,i saw the dust1 yet ,i saw her existing1 despite her nature and her fate1 triumphant in the present4 ,i cursed the flaw in my own flesh and hated life4 8,we liked it very much10 she said1 not divining my mood1 unaware of my sudden passion and its attendant despair4 8,you don't think it's too strong1 do you8 ,all morality1 not to mention the churches1 will be aligned against us40 8,john was worried at first 444 not that opposition frightens him and it is his idea2 ,i mean you wrote the dialogue but it reflects exactly what he's always thought40 ,though in love's agony1 ,i looked at her sharply to make certain she was perfectly serious3 she was2 this helped soothe the pain4 ,she had been hypnotized by ,cave4 ,i wondered how ,clarissa could ever have thought it was the other way around4 8,in a way we're already on record10 ,iris looked thoughtfully across the room at ,cave who was showing ,paul and ,stokharin a large map of some strange country4 8,the ,centers have helped a good many couples to adjust to one another without marriage and without guilt40 8,but then there's the problem of what to do with the children when the family breaks up40 ,iris sighed4 8,i'm afraid that's already a problem4 ,our ,centers are taking care of a good many children already4 ,a number1 of course1 go out for adoption to bored couples who need something to amuse them4 ,i suppose we'll have to establish nurseries as a part of each ,center until1 finally1 the government assumes the responsibility40 8,if it becomes ,cavite40 8,when it becomes ,cavite40 ,she was powerful in her casualness4 8,meanwhile there are laws of adoption which vary from state to state and1 if we're not careful1 we're apt to come up against the law40 8,paul looks after us10 she smiled4 8,did you know that he has nearly a hundred lawyers on our pay roll8 ,all protecting us40 8,from what80 ,i had not kept track of this4 8,lawsuits 444 mostly attempts by state legislatures to outlaw the ,centers on the grounds of immorality and so on4 ,the lawyers are kept busy all the time40 8,why haven't ,i read about any of this in the papers80 8,we've been able to keep things fairly quiet4 ,paul is marvelous with the editors 444 several have even joined us1 by the way 444 secretly1 of course40 8,what's the membership now80 ,iris gestured4 8,no one knows4 ,we have thirty ,centers in the ,united ,states and each day they receive hundreds of new ,cavites4 ,i suspect there are at least four million by now40 ,i gasped1 beginning to recover at last from the heat1 from my unexpected crisis of love4 8,i had no idea things were going so fast40 8,too fast4 ,we haven't enough trained people to look after the ,centers and on top of that we've got to set up new ,centers4 ,paul has broken the country up into districts1 all very methodical3 so many ,centers per district each with a ,resident in charge4 ,stokharin is taking care of the clinical work40 8,where's the money coming from80 8,in bushels from heaven10 ,iris smiled4 8,we leave all that up to ,paul4 ,i shouldn't be surprised if he counterfeits it4 ,one thing ,i know1 though1 ,i must get back to ,new ,york soon1 to the school4 ,i shouldn't really have gone off in the middle of everything but ,i was tired and ,john wanted company so ,i came40 8,how is he80 8,as you see3 calm4 ,i don't believe he ever thinks of any of our problems4 ,he never talks about them2 never reads the reports ,paul sends him4 ,he seldom reads the attacks from the churches and we get several a day1 not to mention threatening mail4 ,it's got so bad that we now have full-time bodyguards40 8,you think people are seriously threatening him80 8,i don't know how serious they are but we can't take chances4 ,fortunately1 almost no one knows we're here and1 so far1 no cranks have got through from the mainland4 ,we get our groceries and mail brought in by boat every other day from ,key ,largo4 ,otherwise1 we're marooned here40 ,i looked about me for some sign of the guards but they were elsewhere3 a ,cuban woman glumly vacuuming in the next room was the only visible stranger4 ,cave abandoned his maps and atlases long enough to tell me how much the dialogues pleased him4 8,i wish ,i could put it down like you do4 ,i can only say it when people listen40 8,you feel ,i've been accurate80 ,he nodded solemnly4 8,oh1 yes 444 it's just as ,i've always said it1 only written down40 ,i realized that he'd already assumed full responsibility 7and credit1 should there be any7 for my composition2 ,i accepted his presumption with amusement4 ,only ,stokharin seemed aware of the humor of the situation4 ,i caught him staring at me with a shrewd expression2 he looked quickly away and his mouth was rigid as he tried not to smile4 ,i liked him at that moment3 we were the only two1 evidently1 who had not been possessed by ,cave4 ,i felt like a conspirator4 ,for several days we talked1 or rather ,paul talked4 ,he had brought with him charts and statements and statistics and1 though ,cave did not bother to disguise his boredom1 he listened most of the time and his questions1 when they did occur1 were apposite4 ,the rest of us were fascinated by the extent of what ,paul referred to as the 8first operational phase40 ,various projects had already been undertaken2 others were put up to the directors for discussion4 ,the mood was1 due to ,paul's emphatic personality1 more like that of a meeting of account-executives in an advertising firm than the pious foregathering of a messiah's apostles 444 and already that word had been used in the press by the curious as well as by the devout4 ,cave was the messiah to several million ,americans1 one not come with fire to judge the world1 nor one armed with the instruction of a supernatural being whose presence was elsewhere but whose secret word had been given this favorite son 444 no1 ,cave was of another line3 that of the prophets1 of the instructors like ,jesus before he became ,christ1 like ,mohammed before he became ,islam4 ,cave was the one in our age whose single task it was to speak out1 to say the words all men waited for yet dared not speak nor even attend without the overpowering authority of another who had1 plausibly1 assumed the guise of master4 ,i could not help but wonder as ,i watched ,cave in those hectic conferences if the past had been like this4 ,cave certainly had one advantage over his predecessors3 modern communications4 ,it took three centuries for ,christianity to infest the world4 ,it was to take ,cave only three years to conquer ,europe and the ,americas4 ,but ,i did not have this foreknowledge in ,florida4 ,i only knew that ,paul was handling an extraordinary business in a remarkable way4 ,there was no plan so vast that he could not contemplate its execution with ease4 ,he was exhausting in his energy and1 though he did not possess much imagination1 he was a splendid improviser1 using whatever themes were at hand to create his own dazzling contrapuntal effects with4 ,we decided upon a weekly magazine to be distributed gratis to the ,cavites 7,i was appointed editor though the real work1 of which ,i was entirely ignorant1 was to be done by a crew already at work on the first issue72 we determined to send abroad certain films to be shown by ,cavite lecturers2 we approved the itinerary of ,cave's national tour in the fall 7,cave was most alive during this discussion2 suggesting cities he wanted particularly to see1 reveling in the euphony of such names as ,tallahassee72 we planned several dinners to be held in ,new ,york with newspaper editors and political figures and we discussed the advisability of ,cave's accepting an invitation to be questioned by the ,committee on ,national ,morals and ,americanism of the ,house of ,representatives1 a remarkably powerful ,committee which had begun to show an interest in the progress of our ,centers4 ,it was decided that ,cave delay meeting them until the time was propitious1 or until he had received a subpoena4 ,paul1 with his instinctive sense of the theatrical1 did not want to have this crucial meeting take place without a most careful build-up4 ,we discussed the various steps taken or about to be taken by certain state legislatures against the ,centers4 ,the states involved were those with either a predominantly ,catholic or predominantly ,baptist population4 ,since the ,centers had been organized to conform with existing state and federal laws 7the lawyers were earning their fees71 ,paul thought they would have a difficult time in closing any of them4 ,the several laws which had been passed were all being appealed and he was confident of our vindication by the higher courts4 ,though the established churches were now fighting us with every possible weapon of law and propaganda1 we were fully protected1 ,paul felt1 by the ,bill of ,rights even in its currently abrogated state4 ,late in the afternoon after one of the day's conferences had ended1 ,iris and ,i swam in the ,gulf1 the water as warm as blood and the sky soft with evening4 ,we stayed in the water for an hour1 not talking1 not really swimming1 merely a part of the sea and the sky1 two lives on a curved horizon1 quite alone 7for the others never ventured out71 only the bored bodyguard on the dock reminded us that the usual world had not slipped away in a sunny dream1 leaving us isolated and content in that sea from which our life had come so long ago 444 water to water1 ,i thought comfortably as we crawled up on the beach like new-lunged creatures4 ,iris undid her bathing cap and her hair1 streaked blonde by the sun 7and a little gray as well71 fell about her shoulders4 ,she sighed voluptuously4 8,if it would always be like this40 8,if what80 8,everything40 8,ah10 ,i ran my hand along my legs and crystals of salt glittered and fell2 we were both dusted with light4 8,you have your work10 ,i added 444 with some malice though ,i was now under control 444 my crisis resolved after one sleepless night4 ,i could now look at her without longing1 without pain2 regret was another matter but regret was only a distant relative to anguish4 8,i have that1 too10 she said4 8,the work uses everything while this 444 is a narcotic4 ,i float without a thought or a desire like 444 like an anemone40 8,you don't know what an anemone is1 do you80 ,she laughed like a child4 8,how do you know ,i don't80 8,you said it like somebody reading a ,latin inscription40 8,what is it80 ,i laughed1 too4 8,i don't know4 ,perhaps something like a jellyfish4 ,it has a lovely sound3 sea anemone40 ,we were interrupted by a motorboat pulling into the dock4 8,it's the mail10 said ,iris4 8,we'd better go back to the house now40 ,while we collected towels1 the guard on the dock helped the boatman carry two large boxes of groceries and mail to the house4 ,between a pair of palm trees1 a yard from the door of the house1 the bomb went off in a flash of light and gray smoke4 ,a stinging spray of sand blinded ,iris and me4 ,the blast knocked me off balance and ,i fell backward onto the beach4 ,for several minutes1 my eyes filled with tears and burning from the coral sand1 ,i was quite blind4 ,when ,i was finally able to see again1 ,iris was already at the house trying to force open the door4 ,one of the palm trees looked as if it had been struck by lightning1 all its fronds gone and its base smoldering4 ,the windows of the house were broken and ,i recall wondering1 foolishly1 how the air-conditioning could possibly work if the house was not sealed4 ,the door was splintered and most of its paint had been burned off3 it was also jammed for ,iris could not open it4 ,meanwhile1 from a side door1 the occupants of the house had begun to appear1 pale and shaken4 ,i limped toward the house1 rubbing my eyes1 aware that my left knee had been hurt4 ,i was careful not to look at either the boatman or the guard4 ,their remains inextricably strewn among tin cans and letters in the bushes4 ,paul was the first to speak3 a torrent of rage which jolted us all out of fear and shock4 ,iris1 after one look at the dead men1 fled into the house4 ,i stood stupidly beside the door1 rolling my eyes to dislodge the sand and listening to ,paul4 ,then the other guards came with blankets and gathered up the pieces of the two men4 ,i turned away1 aware for the first time that ,cave was standing slightly apart1 nearest the house4 ,he was very pale4 ,he spoke only once1 half to himself for ,paul was still ranting3 8,let it begin10 said ,cave softly4 8,now1 now40 ,,eight #a ,it began indeed1 like the first recorded shot of a war4 ,the day after the explosion1 we left the island and ,cave was flown to another retreat1 this time in the center of ,new ,york ,city where1 unique in all the world1 there can exist true privacy1 even invisibility4 ,the ,cavite history of the next two years is publicly known and the private aspects of it do not particularly reveal4 ,it was a time of expansion and of battle4 ,the opposition closed its ranks4 ,several attempts were made on all our lives and1 six months after our return from ,florida1 we were all1 except the indomitable ,clarissa1 forced to move into the brand-new ,cavite ,center1 a quickly built but handsome building of yellow glass on ,park ,avenue4 ,here on the top floor1 in the penthouse which was itself a mansion surrounded by ,babylonian gardens and a wall of glass through which the encompassing city rose like stalagmites1 ,cave and ,paul1 ,stokharin and ,iris and ,i all lived with our bodyguards1 never venturing out of the building which resembled1 during that time1 a military headquarters with guards and adjutants and a maze of officials through whom both strangers and familiars were forced to pass before they could meet even myself1 much less ,cave4 ,in spite of the unnaturalness of the life1 it was1 ,i think1 the happiest time of my life4 ,except for brief excursions to the ,hudson1 ,i spent the entire two years in that one building1 knowing at last the sort of security and serenity which monks must have known in their monasteries1 in their retreats4 ,i think the others were also content1 except for ,cave who eventually grew so morose and bored by his confinement that ,paul not only had to promise him a world tour but1 for his vicarious pleasure1 played1 night after night in the ,center's auditorium1 travel films which ,cave devoured with eager eyes1 asking for certain films to be halted at various interesting parts so that he might examine some landscape or building 7never a human being1 no matter how quaint72 favorite movies were played over and over again1 long after the rest of us had gone off to bed1 leaving ,cave and the projectionist alone with the bright shadows of distant places 444 alone save for the ubiquitous guards4 ,there were a number of attacks upon the building itself but since all incoming mail and visitors were checked by machinery for hidden weapons there was never a repetition of that island disaster which had had such a chilling effect on all of us4 ,pickets of course marched daily for two years in front of the ,center's door and1 on four separate occasions1 mobs attempted to storm the building3 they were repulsed easily by our guards 7the police1 for the most ,catholic1 did not unduly exert themselves in our defense2 fortunately1 the building had been constructed with the idea of defense in mind74 ,the life in the ,center was busy4 ,in the penthouse each of us had an office and ,cave had a large suite where he spent his days watching television and pondering journeys4 ,he did not follow with much interest the doings of the organization though he had begun to enjoy reading the attacks which regularly appeared against him and us in the newspapers4 ,bishop ,winston was the leader of the non-,catholic opposition and his apologias and anathemas inspired us with admiration4 ,he was1 ,i think1 conscious of being the last great spokesman of the ,protestant churches and he fulfilled his historic function with wit and dignity and we admired him tremendously4 ,by this time1 of course1 our victory was in sight and we could show magnanimity to those who remained loyal to ancient systems4 ,i was the one most concerned with answering the attacks since ,i was now an editor with an entire floor devoted to the ,cavite ,journal 7we were not able to think up a better name74 ,at first it was published weekly and given away free but after the first year it became a daily newspaper1 fat with advertising1 and sold on newsstands4 ,besides my duties as editor1 ,i was also the official apologist and ,i was kept busy composing dialogues on various ethical matters1 ranging from the virtues of cremation to fair business practices4 ,needless to say1 ,i had a good deal of help and some of my most resounding effects were contrived by others1 by anonymous specialists4 ,each installment1 however1 of ,cavite doctrine 7or rationalization as ,i preferred to think of my work7 was received as eagerly by the expanding ranks of the faithful as it was denounced by the ,catholic ,church and the new league of ,protestant ,churches under ,bishop ,winston's guidance4 ,we received our first serious setback when1 in the autumn of our first year in the new building1 we were banned from the television networks through a series of technicalities created by ,congress for our benefit and invoked without warning4 ,it took ,paul's lawyers a year to get the case through the courts which finally reversed the government's ruling4 ,meanwhile1 we counterattacked by creating hundreds of new ,centers where films of ,cave were shown regularly4 ,once a week he was televised for the ,centers where huge crowds gathered to see and hear him and it was always ,paul's claim that the government's spiteful action had1 paradoxically1 been responsible for the sudden victory of ,cavesword3 not being able to listen to their idol in their own homes the ,cavites1 and even the merely curious1 were forced to visit the ,centers where1 in the general mood of camaraderie and delight in the same word1 they were organized quite ruthlessly4 ,stokharin's clinics handled their personal problems4 ,other departments assumed the guidance and even the support1 if necessary1 of their children while free medical and educational facilities were made available to all who applied4 ,at the end of the second year1 there were more enrolled ,cavites than any other single religious denomination including the ,roman ,catholic4 ,i published this fact and the accompanying statistics with a certain guilt which1 needless to say1 my fellow directors did not share4 ,the result of this revelation was a special ,congressional hearing4 ,in spite of the usual confusion attendant upon any of the vigorous old ,congress's hearteningly incompetent investigations1 this event was well-staged1 preparing the way politically1 to draw the obvious parallel1 for a new ,constantine4 ,it took place in ,march and it was the only official journey any of us1 excepting ,paul1 had made from our yellow citadel for two years4 ,the entire proceedings were televised1 a bit of unwisdom on the part of the hostile ,congressmen who1 in their understandable eagerness for publicity1 overlooked their intended victim's complete mastery of that medium4 ,i did not go to ,washington but ,i saw ,cave and ,paul and ,iris off from the roof of the ,center4 ,because of the crowds which had formed in the streets1 hoping for a glimpse of ,cave1 the original plan to fly to ,washington aboard a chartered airplane was discarded at the last minute and two helicopters were ordered instead to pick up ,cave and his party on the terrace in front of the penthouse1 a mode of travel not then popular4 ,paul saw to it that the departure was filmed4 ,a dozen of us who were not going stood about among the trees and bushes while the helicopters hovered a few feet above the roof1 their ladders dangling4 ,then ,cave appeared with ,paul and ,iris while a camera crew recorded their farewell and departure4 ,cave looked as serene as ever1 quite pale in his dark blue suit and white shirt 444 a small austere figure with downcast eyes4 ,iris was bright-faced from the excitement and cold2 there was a sharp wind on the roof which tangled her hair4 8,i'm terrified10 she whispered fiercely in my ear as we shook hands formally for the camera4 8,paul seems in full command10 ,i said1 comfortingly4 ,and ,paul1 not ,cave1 was making a short speech to the camera while ,cave stood alone and still2 then1 in a gust of wind1 they were gone and ,i went to my office to watch the hearings4 ,the official reason for the investigation was based upon certain charges made by the various churches that the ,cavites were subverting ,christian morality by championing free love and publicly descrying the eternal institution of marriage4 ,this was the burden of that complaint against ,cave which the ,committee most wished to contemplate since it was the strongest of the numerous allegations and1 in their eyes1 the most dangerous to the state1 the one most likely to get the largest amount of publicity4 ,for some years the realm of public morals had been a favorite excursion grounds for the ,congress and their tournaments at public expense were attended delightedly by everyone4 ,this particular one1 affecting as it did the head of the largest single religious establishment in the country would1 the ,congressmen were quite sure1 prove an irresistible spectacle4 ,it was4 ,at first there was a good deal of confusion4 ,newspaper men stumbled over one another2 flash bulbs were dropped2 ,congressmen could not get through the crowd to take their seats4 ,to fill in1 while these preliminaries were got over1 the camera was trained upon the crowd which was beginning to gather in front of the ,capitol2 a crowd which grew1 as one watched1 to ,inaugural size4 ,though it was orderly1 a troop of soldiers in trucks soon arrived1 as though by previous design1 and they got out1 forming a cordon of fixed bayonets before the various entrances to the ,capitol4 ,here and there1 against the gusty blue sky1 banners with the single word 8,cave10 gold on blue1 snapped3 ,in hoc signo indeed6 ,then the commentators who had been exclaiming at some length on the size of the crowd1 excitedly announced the arrival of ,cave4 ,a roar of sound filled the plaza4 ,the banners were waved back and forth against the sky and ,i saw everywhere the theatrical hand of ,paul ,himmell4 ,the scene shifted to the ,house of ,representatives entrance to the ,capitol4 ,cave wearing an overcoat but bareheaded1 stepped out of the limousine4 ,he was alone4 ,neither ,paul nor ,iris was in sight4 ,it was most effective that he should come like this1 without equerries or counselors4 ,he stood for a moment in the pillared entrance1 aware of the crowd outside2 even through the commentator's narrative one could hear1 like the surf falling3 ,cave6 ,cave6 ,cave6 ,for a moment it seemed that he might turn and go1 not into the ,capitol1 but out onto the steps to the crowd2 but then the chief of the ,capitol guard1 sensing perhaps that this might happen1 gently steered him up the stairs4 ,the next shot was of the ,committee ,room where the hearings had at last begun4 ,a somewhat phlegmatic ,jesuit was testifying4 ,his words were difficult to hear because of the noise in the committee room1 and the impotent shouts of the chairman4 ,the commentator gave a brief analysis of the ,jesuit's attack on ,cave and then1 in the midst of a particularly loud exchange between the chairman and the crowd1 the clerk of the court proclaimed3 ,john ,cave4 ,there was silence4 ,the crowd parted to make way for him4 ,even the members of the committee craned to get a good look at him as he moved quietly1 almost demurely1 to the witness chair4 ,the only movement in the room was that of the ,papal ,nuncio who1 in his robes1 sat in the front rank of the audience4 ,he crossed himself as ,cave passed and shut his eyes4 ,cave was respectful1 almost inaudible4 ,several times he was asked to repeat his answers even though the room was remarkably still4 ,at first ,cave would answer only in monosyllables1 not looking up1 not meeting the gaze of his interrogators who took heart at this1 professionals themselves3 their voices which had almost matched his for inaudibility1 began to boom with confidence4 ,i waited for the lightning4 ,the first intimation came when ,cave looked up4 ,for nearly five minutes he had not raised his eyes once during the questioning4 ,suddenly he looked up and ,i saw that he was trying to locate the camera2 he did1 and it was like a revelation3 a sudden shock went through me and as well as ,i knew him1 as few illusions as ,i had about him1 ,i was arrested by his gaze 444 it was as though only he and ,i existed1 as though he were ,i2 all of those who watched responded in the same fashion to that unique gaze4 ,the ,committee1 however1 was not aware of what had happened1 that their intended victim had with one glance appropriated the eye of the world4 ,the subsequent catechism is too well known to record here2 we used it as the main exposition of ,cavesword1 the one testament which contained the entire thing4 ,it was almost as if the ,congressmen had been given the necessary questions to ask1 like those supporting actors whose minor roles are designed to illuminate the genius of the star4 ,two of the seven members of the ,committee were ,cavites4 ,this was soon apparent4 ,the other five were violently in opposition4 ,one as a ,catholic1 another as a ,protestant1 and two as materialistic lovers of the old order4 ,only one of the attackers1 a quiet scholarly-looking ,jew1 made any real point4 ,he argued the perniciousness of an organization which1 if allowed to prosper1 would replace the state and force all dissenters to conform2 it was his contention that the state prospered most when no one system was sufficiently strong to dominate4 ,i wanted to hear more of him but his ,catholic colleague1 a bull-voiced ,irishman1 drowned him out1 winning the day for the ,cavites4 ,cave1 to my astonishment1 had memorized most of the dialogues ,i'd written and he said my words with the same power that he said his own4 ,i was startled by this4 ,there had been no hint that such a thing might happen and ,i couldn't1 for some time1 determine the motive until ,i recalled ,cave's reluctance to being quoted in print2 he had apparently realized that now there would be a complete record of his testimony and so1 for the sake of both literacy and consistency1 he had committed to memory those words of mine which were thought to be his4 ,at the great moment1 however1 the peroration 7by which time there were no more questions and ,cave's voice alone was heard7 he became himself1 and spoke ,cavesword4 ,then1 without the ,committee's leave1 in the dazzled silence which followed upon his last words1 he got up abruptly and left the room4 ,i switched off the television set4 ,that week established ,cavesword in the country and1 except for various priests and ministers of the deserted gods1 the ,united ,states was ,cavite4 #b ,the desertion of the old establishments for the new resembled1 at uneasy moments1 revolution4 ,the ,congressional ,committee1 though anti-,cavite1 did not dare even to censure him 444 partly from the fear of the vast crowd which waited in the ,capitol plaza and partly from the larger1 more cogent awareness that it was politically suicidal for any popularly elected ,representative to outrage a minority of such strength4 ,the hearing fizzled out after ,cave's appearance and though there were a few denunciatory speeches on the floor of ,congress1 no official action was taken2 shortly afterwards the ban on ,cave's television appearances was lifted but by then it was too late and millions of people had got permanently into the habit of attending weekly meetings at the various ,centers to listen to ,cave1 to discuss with the ,residents and their staffs the points of doctrine 444 and doctrine it had become4 ,the second year in our yellow citadel was more active than the first4 ,it was decided that ,cave make no personal appearances anywhere4 ,according to ,paul1 the mystery would be kept intact and the legend would grow under the most auspicious circumstances4 ,he did not reveal his actual motive in ,cave's presence but ,i was aware1 from private conversations we had1 just the two of us1 of the wisdom of his plan4 ,he explained himself to me late one afternoon in my office4 8,get him in front of a really hostile crowd and there'd be no telling what might happen40 ,paul was restlessly marching about the room in his shirtsleeves 444 a blunt cigar in his mouth gave him the appearance of a lower-echelon politician4 8,there's never been a hostile audience yet10 ,i reminded him4 8,except for the ,congressional hearings and ,i thought he handled himself quite well with them40 8,with your script in his head10 ,paul chuckled and stopped his march to the filing cabinet by way of that huge television screen which dominated every office and home4 8,what ,i mean is1 he's never been in a debate4 ,he's never had a tough opponent1 a heckler4 ,the ,congressmen were pretty mild and even though they weren't friendly they stuck to easy issues4 ,but what would happen if ,bishop ,winston got him up before an audience8 ,winston's a lot smarter and he's nearly as good in public40 8,i suppose ,cave would hypnotize him1 too40 8,not on your life40 ,paul threw himself into a chair of flimsy chrome and plastic4 8,winston's been trying to arrange a debate for over two years4 ,he issues challenges every ,sunday on his program 7got a big audience1 too 444 though not close to ours2 ,i keep checking it740 8,does ,cave want to give it a try80 8,he's oblivious to such things4 ,i suppose he would if he thought about it4 ,anyway it's to our advantage to keep him out of sight4 ,let them see only a television image1 hear only his recorded voice4 ,it's wonderful copy6 ,big time40 ,he was out of the chair and playing with the knob of the television set3 the screen was suddenly filled with a romantic scene1 a pulsating green grotto with water falling in a thin white line 444 so perfected had the machine become that it was actually like looking through a window1 the illusion of depth quite perfect and the colors true4 ,a warm deep voice off-screen suggested the virtues of a well-known carbonated drink4 ,paul turned the switch off4 ,i was relieved since ,i1 alone in ,america1 was unable to think or work or even relax while the screen was bright with some other place4 8,he won't like it4 ,he expects next year1 at the latest1 to start his world tour40 8,perhaps then10 said ,paul thinly4 8,anyway1 the longer we put it off the better4 ,did you know we turn away a thousand people a day who come here just to get a glimpse of him80 8,they see him at the ,center meetings40 8,only our own people 444 the ones in training to be ,residents4 ,i keep those sessions carefully screened4 ,every now and then some outsider gets in but it's rare40 ,i glanced at the tear-sheet of my next day's editorial2 it contained1 among other useful statistics1 the quite incredible figures of ,cavite membership in the world4 ,dubiously1 ,i read off the figure which ,paul had given me at a directors' meeting4 8,it's about right10 he said complacently1 coming to a full stop at the files4 8,we don't actually know the figures of places without proper ,centers like the ,latin countries where we are undergoing a bit of persecution4 ,but the statistics for this country are exact40 8,it's hard to believe40 ,i looked at the figure which represented so many human beings1 so much diversity1 all touched by one man4 8,less than three years44440 8,three more years and we'll have most of ,europe too40 8,why1 ,i wonder80 8,why80 ,he slammed shut the cabinet drawer which he'd been examining4 ,he looked at me sharply4 8,you of all people ask why8 ,cavesword 444 and all your words too1 did the trick4 ,that's what4 ,we've said what they wanted to hear 444 just the opposite of my old game of publicity where we said what we wanted them to hear4 ,this time it's just the other way around and it's big1 ah1 it's big40 ,i could agree with that but ,i pressed him further4 8,i know what's happened1 of course1 and your theory is certainly correct if only because had we said the opposite of what they wanted to hear nothing would have happened4 ,but the question in my mind1 the real 'why1' is ,cave and us4 ,why we of all the people in the world8 ,cavesword1 between us and any school of philosophy1 is not new4 ,others have said it more eloquently4 ,in the past it was a reasonably popular heresy which the early popes stamped out44440 8,timing6 ,the right man at the right time saying the right thing4 ,remember the piece you did on ,mohammed44440 8,i stole most of it40 8,so what8 ,most effective4 ,you figured how only at that one moment in ,arabian political history could such a man have appeared40 ,i smiled4 8,that is always the folly of the 'one unique moment4' ,for all ,i know such a man could have appeared in any of a hundred other ,arab generations40 8,but he never did except that one time 444 which proves the point40 ,i let it go4 ,paul was at best not the ideal partner in the perennial conversation4 8,there is no doubt but that ,cave's the man10 ,i said1 neutrally4 8,not the last of the line but at least the most effective1 considering the shortness of the mission so far40 8,we have the means4 ,the old people didn't4 ,every man1 woman1 and child in this country can see ,cave for themselves1 and at the same moment4 ,i don't suppose ten thousand people saw ,christ in action 444 it took a generation for news of him to travel from one country to the next40 8,parallels break down10 ,i agreed4 8,it's the reason ,i wonder so continually about ,cave and ourselves and what we are doing in the world40 8,we're doing good4 ,the people are losing their fear of death4 ,last month there were twelve hundred suicides in this country directly attributable to ,cavesword4 ,and these people didn't kill themselves just because they were unhappy1 they killed themselves because he had made it easy1 even desirable4 ,now you know there's never been anybody like that before in history1 anywhere40 8,i'll say not40 ,i was startled by the figure he had quoted4 ,in our ,journal we were always reporting various prominent suicides and1 though ,i had given orders to minimize these voluntary deaths1 ,i had been forced every now and then to record the details of one or another of them4 ,but ,i'd had no idea there had been so many4 ,i asked ,paul if he was quite sure of the number4 8,oh yes40 ,he was blithe4 8,at least that many we know of40 8,i wonder if it's wise40 8,wise8 ,what's that got to do with it8 ,it's logical4 ,it's the proof of ,cavesword4 ,death is fine so why not die80 8,why not live80 8,it's the same thing40 8,i would say not40 8,well1 you ought to play it up a little more anyway4 ,i meant to talk about it at the last directors' meeting but there wasn't time40 8,does ,cave know about this8 ,about the extent44440 8,sure does40 ,paul headed for the door4 8,he thinks it's fine4 ,proves what he says and it gives other people nerve4 ,this thing is working40 ,there was no doubt about that of course4 ,it is hard1 precisely1 to give the sense of those two years when the main work got done in a series of toppling waves which swept into history the remaining edifices of other faiths and institutions4 ,i had no real firsthand impressions of the country for ,i seldom stirred from our headquarters4 ,i'd sold the house on the river4 ,i had cut off all contacts with old friends and my life1 simply1 was ,cave4 ,i edited the ,journal1 or rather presided over the editors4 ,i discussed points of doctrine with the various ,residents who came to see me in the yellow tower4 ,they were devoted men and their enthusiasm was heartening1 if not always communicable to me4 ,each week was published further commentaries on ,cavesword and ,i found my time grew short if ,i tried to read them all4 ,i contented myself1 finally1 with synopses prepared for me by the ,journal's staff and ,i felt like a television emperor keeping abreast of contemporary letters1 but there was not enough time1 as it was1 in which to contemplate the great things4 ,once a week we all dined with ,cave4 ,except for that informal occasion we seldom saw him2 though he complained continually about his captivity 7and it was exactly that2 we were all captives to some degree71 he was cheerful enough4 ,paul saw to it that he was kept busy all day addressing ,residents and ,communicators1 answering their questions1 firing them by the mere fact of his presence4 ,it was quite common for strangers to faint upon seeing him for the first time1 as a man and not as a figure on a bit of film4 ,he was good-natured1 though occasionally embarrassed by the chosen groups which were admitted to him4 ,he seldom talked privately to any of them1 however1 and he showed not the faintest interest in their problems1 not even bothering to learn their names4 ,he was only interested in where they were from and ,paul1 aware of this1 as an added inducement to keep ,cave amenable1 took to including each group at least one ,cavite from some far place like ,malaya or ,ceylon4 ,iris was busiest of all4 ,she had become1 without design or preparation1 the head of all the ,cavite schools throughout the country where the various ,communicators of ,cavesword were trained1 thousands of them each year1 in a course which included not only ,cavesword but history and psychology as well4 ,there were also special classes in television-producing and acting4 ,television1 finally1 was the key4 ,it was the primary instrument of communication4 ,later1 with a subservient government and the aid of mental therapists and new drugs1 television became less necessary but1 in the beginning1 it was everything4 ,clarissa's role was1 as always1 enigmatic4 ,she appeared when she pleased and she disappeared when she pleased4 ,i discovered that her position among the directors was due to her possession of the largest single block of stock1 dating back to the first days4 ,during the crucial two or three years1 however1 she was often with us merely for protection since all our lives had been proscribed by the last remnants of the old churches who1 as their dominion shrank1 fought more and more recklessly to destroy us4 ,stokharin spent his days much like ,iris1 instructing the ,communicators and ,center-therapists in psychology4 ,his power over ,paul had fortunately waned and he was far more likeable3 ,paul was 8freed10 ,stokharin would say with some satisfaction1 due to therapy 444 and a new father-image4 ,less than two years after the ,congressional hearings1 ,paul1 in his devious way1 entered politics and in the following ,congressional elections1 without much overt campaigning on our part1 the majority of those elected to both ,houses of the ,congress were either ,cavite or sympathetic4 #c ,at last ,i have met him4 ,early this evening ,i went downstairs to see the manager about an item on my bill which was incorrect4 ,i had thought that ,i should be safe for this was the time when most of the hotel guests are bathing and preparing for dinner4 ,unfortunately1 ,i encountered ,butler and his newly arrived colleague in the center of the lobby4 ,i suddenly found myself attempting1 by an effort of will1 very simply to vanish into smoke like one of those magicians in a child's book4 ,but ,i remained all too visible4 ,i stopped halfway across the lobby and waited for them4 ,they came toward me4 ,butler murmuring greetings and introductions to ,communicator ,jessup 7soon to be ,resident of ,luxor 8when we get underway073 8,and this1 ,jack1 is the ,mr ,hudson ,i told you about40 ,the ,resident-to-be shook my hand firmly4 ,he was not more than thirty1 a lean1 dark-eyed mulatto whose features and coloring appealed to me1 used as ,i now am to the ,arabs2 beside him1 ,butler looked more red and gross than ever4 8,butler has told me how useful you've been to us10 said ,jessup4 ,his voice was a little high but he did not have the trick of over-articulation which used to be so common among educated ,negroes in earlier times1 a peculiarity they shared with ,baptist clergymen and professional poets4 8,i've done what ,i could1 little as it is10 ,i said ceremoniously4 ,then1 without protest1 ,i allowed them to lead me out onto the terrace which overlooked the setting sun and the muddy river4 8,we planned to see you when ,jack1 here1 arrived10 said ,butler expansively when we were seated1 a tray of gin and ice and tonic water set before us by a waiter who was used now to ,american ways4 8,but you had the sign on your door so ,i told ,jack we'd better wait1 till ,mr ,hudson is feeling better4 ,you are okay now1 aren't you80 8,somewhat better10 ,i said1 enjoying the ,british gin3 ,i'd had none since ,i left ,cairo4 8,at my age one is either dead or all right4 ,i seem not to be dead40 8,how ,i envy you60 said ,jessup solemnly4 ,his voice though high was strong4 8,envy me80 ,for a moment ,i did not quite understand4 8,to be so near the blessed state6 ,not to see the sun again and feel the body quivering with corrupt life 444 oh1 what ,i should give to be as old as you60 8,you could always commit suicide10 ,i said irritably1 forgetting my role as an amiable soft-headed old cretin4 ,this stopped him for only the space of a single surprised breath4 8,cavesway is not possible for his servants10 he said at last1 patiently4 8,you have not perhaps followed his logic as carefully as you might had you been living in the civilized world40 ,he looked at me with his bright dark eyes inscrutably focused4 ,why are you here8 ,i wanted to ask furiously1 finally1 but ,i only nodded my head meekly and said1 8,so much has changed since ,i came out here4 ,i do recall1 though1 that ,cavesway was considered desirable for all40 8,it is 444 but not for his servants who must1 through living1 sacrifice their comfort 444 it is our humiliation1 our martyrdom in his behalf4 ,even the humblest man or woman can avail themselves of ,cavesway unlike us1 his servants1 who must live1 disgusting as the prospect is1 made bearable only by the knowledge that we are doing his work1 communicating his word40 8,what courage it must take to give up ,cavesway60 ,i intoned with reverent awe4 8,it is the least we can do for him40 ,the bright sun resembled that red-gold disk which sits on the brow of ,horus4 ,a hot wind of ,numidia stirred the dry foliage about us4 ,i could smell the metallic odor of the ,nile's water4 ,a muezzin called1 high and toneless in the evening4 8,before ,i slip off into the better state10 ,i said at last1 emboldened by gin1 8,i should like to know as much as possible about the new world the ,cavites have made4 ,i left the ,united ,states shortly after ,cave took his way4 ,i have never been back40 8,how soon after80 ,the question came too fast4 ,i gripped the arms of my chair tightly4 8,two years after1 ,i think10 ,i said4 8,i came to ,cairo for the digging out in ,el ,abul40 8,how could you have missed those exciting years80 ,jessup's voice became zealous4 ,i remained on guard4 8,i was not even born then 444 and ,i've always cursed my bad luck4 ,i used to go about talking to complete strangers who had been alive in those great years4 ,of course most were laymen and knew little about the things ,i had studied but they could tell me how the sky looked the day he took his way4 ,and1 every now and then1 it was possible to meet someone who had seen him40 8,not many laymen ever saw him10 ,i said4 8,i remember with what secrecy all his movements were enveloped4 ,i was in ,new ,york much of the time when he was there40 8,in ,new ,york60 ,jessup sighed voluptuously4 8,you saw him too1 didn't you1 ,mr ,hudson80 ,butler was obviously eager that ,i make a good impression4 8,oh yes1 ,i saw him the day he was in ,washington4 ,one of his few public appearances6 ,i was very devout in those days4 ,i am now too1 of course10 ,i added hastily4 8,but in those days when it was all new one was1 well1 exalted by ,cavesword4 ,i made a special trip to ,washington just to get a glimpse of him40 ,i played as resolutely as possible upon their passionate faith4 8,did you really see him80 ,i shook my head sadly4 8,only a quick blur as he drove away4 ,the crowd was too big and the police were all around him40 8,i have of course relived that moment in the library1 watching the films1 but actually to have been there that day44440 ,jessup's voice trailed off as he contemplated the extent of my good fortune4 8,then afterwards1 after his death1 ,i left for ,egypt and ,i've never been back40 8,you missed great days40 8,i'm sure of that4 ,yet ,i feel the best days were before1 when ,i was in ,new ,york and each week there would be a new revelation of his wisdom40 8,you are quite right10 said ,jessup1 pouring himself more gin4 8,yours was the finer time even though those of us who feel drawn to the mother must declare that later days possessed some virtue too1 on her account40 8,mother80 ,i knew of course before he answered what had happened4 8,as ,cave was the father of our knowledge1 so ,iris is its mother10 said ,jessup4 ,he looked at ,butler with a half-smile4 8,of course there are some1 the majority in fact1 of the ,communicators who deprecate our allegiance to the mother1 not realizing that it enhances rather than detracts from ,cave4 ,after all1 the ,word and the ,way are entirely his40 ,butler chuckled4 8,there's been a little family dispute10 he said4 8,we keep it out of the press because it really isn't the concern of anybody but us1 ,cave's servants4 ,don't mind talking to you about it since you'll be dead soon anyway and up here we're all in the same boat1 all ,cavites4 ,anyway1 some of the younger fellows1 the bright ones like ,jessup1 have got attached to ,iris 444 not that we don't all love her equally4 ,it's just that they've got in the habit of talking about death being the womb again1 all that kind of stuff without any real basis in ,cave40 8,it runs all through his work1 ,bill4 ,it's implicit in all that he said40 ,jessup was amiable but ,i sensed a hardness in his tone4 ,it had come to this1 ,i thought4 8,well1 we won't argue about it10 said ,butler1 turning to me with a smile4 8,you should see what these ,irisians can do with a ,cavite text4 ,by the time they finish you don't know whether you're coming or going40 8,were you at all active in the ,mission80 asked ,jessup1 abruptly changing the subject4 ,i shook my head4 8,i was one of the early admirers of ,cave but ,i'm afraid ,i had very little contact with any of his people4 ,i tried once or twice to get in to see him 444 when they were in the yellow tower1 but it was impossible4 ,only the ,residents and people like that ever got to see him personally40 8,he was busy those days10 said ,jessup1 nodding4 8,he must have dictated nearly two million words in the last three years of his life40 8,you think he wrote all those books and dialogues himself80 8,of course he did40 ,jessup sounded surprised4 8,haven't you read ,iris's accounts of the way he worked8 ,the way he would dictate for hours at a time1 oblivious of everything but ,cavesword40 8,i suppose ,i missed all that10 ,i mumbled4 8,in those days it was always assumed that he had a staff who did the work for him40 8,the lutherists10 said ,jessup1 nodding4 8,they were extremely subtle in their methods but of course they couldn't distort the truth for very long44440 8,oh10 said ,butler4 8,mr ,hudson asked me the other day if ,i knew what the word lutherist came from and ,i said ,i didn't know4 ,i must have forgotten for ,i have a feeling it was taught us1 back in the old days when we primitives were turned out1 before you bright young fellows came along to show us how to do ,caveswork40 ,jessup smiled4 8,we're not that bumptious10 he said4 8,as for lutherist1 it's a word based on the name of one of the first followers of ,cave4 ,i don't know his other name or even much about him4 ,all that ,i know ,i've been told 444 as far as ,i remember1 the episode was never even recorded4 ,much too disagreeable 444 and of course we don't like to dwell on our failures40 8,i wonder what it was that he did10 ,i asked1 my voice trembling despite all efforts to control it4 8,he was a nonconformist of some kind4 ,he quarreled with ,iris1 they say40 8,wonder what happened to him80 asked ,butler4 8,did they send him through indoctrination80 8,no1 as far as ,i know40 ,jessup paused4 ,when he spoke again his voice was thoughtful4 8,according to the story ,i heard 444 legend really 444 he disappeared4 ,they never found him and though we've wisely removed all record of him1 his name is still used to describe our failures3 those among us1 that is1 who refuse ,cavesword without indoctrination4 ,somewhere1 they say1 he is living1 in hiding1 waiting to undo ,caveswork4 ,as ,cave was the anti-,christ so he1 or rather another like him1 will attempt to destroy us40 8,not much chance of that40 ,butler's voice was confident4 8,anyway1 if he was a contemporary of ,cave he must be dead by now40 8,not necessarily4 ,after all ,mr ,hudson was a contemporary and he is still alive40 ,jessup looked at me then2 his eyes1 in a burst of obsidian light1 caught the sun's last rays4 ,i think he knows4 #d ,there's not much time left and ,i must proceed as swiftly as possible to the death of ,cave and my own exile4 ,the year of ,cave's death was not only a year of triumph but one of terror as well4 ,the counteroffensive reached its peak in those busy months1 and we were all in danger of our lives4 ,in the ,south1 groups of ,baptists stormed the new ,centers1 demolishing them and killing1 in several instances1 the ,residents4 ,despite our protests and threats of reprisal1 many state governments refused to protect the ,cavite ,centers and ,paul was forced to enlist a small army to defend our establishments in those areas which were still dominated by the old religions4 ,several attempts were made to destroy our ,new ,york headquarters2 fortunately1 they were all apprehended before any damage could be done though one fanatic1 a ,catholic1 got as far as ,paul's office where he threw a grenade into a waste-basket1 killing himself and slightly scratching ,paul who had1 in his usual fashion1 been traveling nervously about the room1 getting out of range at the proper moment4 ,the election of a ,cavite-dominated ,congress eased things for us considerably1 though it made our enemies all the more desperate4 ,paul fought back4 ,bishop ,winston1 the most eloquent of the ,christian prelates and the most dangerous to us1 had died1 giving rise to the rumor1 soon afterwards confirmed by ,cavite authority to be a fact1 that he had killed himself and that1 therefore1 he had finally renounced ,christ and taken to himself ,cavesword4 ,many of the clergy of the ,protestant sects1 aware that their parishioners and authority were falling away1 became1 quietly1 without gloating on our part1 ,cavite ,residents and ,communicators4 ,the bloodiest persecutions1 however1 did not occur in ,north ,america4 ,the ,latin countries1 the seat of the old ,catholic power which was itself the shadow of the ,roman ,empire1 provided the world with a series of massacres remarkable even in that murderous century4 ,yet it was a fact that in the year of ,cave's death1 ,italy was half-,cavite while ,france1 ,england and ,germany were nearly all ,cavite while only ,spain and parts of ,latin ,america held out1 imprisoning1 executing1 deporting ,cavites against the inevitable day when our ,communicators1 undismayed1 proud in their martyrdom1 would succeed in their assaults upon these last citadels of paganism4 ,on a hot day in ,august1 our third and last autumn in the yellow tower1 we dined on the terrace of ,cave's penthouse overlooking the city4 ,the bright sky shuddered with heat4 ,clarissa1 who had just come from abroad where she had been enjoying several seasons under the guise of an official tour of reconnaissance1 was entirely the guest of honor4 ,she sat wearing a large picture hat beneath the striped awning which sheltered our glass-topped table from the sun's rays4 ,cave insisted on eating out-of-doors as often as possible even though the rest of us preferred the cool interior where we were not disturbed by either heat or by the clouds of soot which floated above the imperial city1 impartially lighting upon all who ventured out into the open4 ,it was our first 8family dinner0 in some months 7,paul insisted on regarding us as a family and the metaphors which he derived from this one conceit used even to irritate the imperturbable ,cave74 ,at one end of the table sat ,clarissa1 with ,paul and me on either side of her2 at the other end sat ,cave1 with ,iris and ,stokharin on either side of him2 ,iris was on his left and on my right and1 early in the dinner1 when the conversation was particular1 we talked4 8,i suppose we'll be leaving soon10 she said4 ,a sea gull missed the awning by inches4 8,i haven't heard anything about it4 ,who's leaving 444 and why80 8,john thinks we've all been here too long2 he thinks we're too remote40 8,he's quite right about that40 ,i blew soot off my plate4 8,but where are we to go8 ,after all1 there's a good chance that if any of us shows his head to the grateful populace someone is apt to blow it off40 8,that's a risk we have to take4 ,but ,john is right4 ,we must get out and see the people 444 talk to them direct40 ,her voice was urgent4 ,i looked at her thoughtfully1 seeing the change that three years of extraordinary activity had wrought3 she was overweight and her face1 as sometimes happens in the first access of weight1 was smooth1 without lines1 younger-looking but also without much character or expression 444 ,i kept thinking irrelevantly of a marshmallow for1 in the light of day1 her casually made-up face did resemble a pale smoothly powdered confection4 ,her wonderful sharpness1 her old fineness was entirely gone and the new ,iris1 the busy1 efficient ,iris had become like 444 like 444 ,i groped for the comparison1 the memory of someone similar ,i had known in the past1 but the ghost did not materialize2 and so haunted1 faintly distrait1 ,i talked to the new ,iris ,i did not really know1 to the visible half of a like-pair whose twin was lost somewhere in my memory4 8,i'll be only too happy to leave10 ,i said1 helping myself to the salad which was being served us by one or the ,eurasian servants ,paul1 in an exotic mood1 had engaged to look after the penthouse and the person of ,cave4 8,i don't think ,i've been away from here half a dozen times in two years40 8,it's been awfully hard10 ,iris agreed4 ,her eyes shifted regularly to ,cave1 like an anxious parent4 8,of course ,i've had more chance than anyone to get out but ,i haven't seen nearly as much as ,i ought4 ,it's my job1 really1 to look at all the ,centers1 to supervise in person all the schools but of course ,i can't if ,paul insists on turning every trip ,i take into a kind of pageant40 8,it's for your own protection40 8,i think we're much safer than ,paul thinks4 ,the country's almost entirely ,cavite40 8,all the more reason to be careful4 ,the die-hards are on their last legs2 they're maniacal1 some of them40 8,well1 we must take our chances4 ,john says he won't stay here another autumn4 ,september is his best month1 you know4 ,i think he's a little superstitious about it3 it was ,september when he first spoke ,cavesword40 8,what does ,paul say80 ,i looked down the table at our ringmaster who was telling ,clarissa what she had seen in ,europe4 ,iris frowned4 8,he's doing everything he can to keep us here 444 ,i can't think why4 ,john's greatest work has been done face to face with people yet ,paul acts as if he didn't dare let him out in public4 ,we have quarreled about this for over a year4 ,paul and ,i40 8,he's quite right4 ,i know4 ,i'd be nervous to go about in public without some sort of protection4 ,you should see the murderous letters ,i get at the ,journal40 8,we've nothing to fear10 said ,iris flatly4 8,and we have everything to gain by mixing with people4 ,we could easily grow out of touch1 marooned in this tower40 8,oh1 it's not that bad40 ,to my surprise1 ,i found myself defending our monastic life4 8,everyone comes here4 ,cave speaks to groups of the faithful every day4 ,i sit like some disheveled hen over a large newspaper and ,i couldn't be more instructed1 more engaged in life1 while you dash around the country almost as much as ,paul does40 8,but only seeing the ,centers1 only meeting the ,cavites4 ,i have no other life any more40 ,i looked at her curiously4 ,there was no bitterness in her voice yet there was a certain wistfulness which ,i'd never noticed before4 8,do you regret all this1 ,iris80 ,i asked4 ,it had been some time1 three years1 since ,i had spoken to her of ourselves1 of personal matters3 we had become1 in a sense1 the offices which we held2 our symbolic selves paralyzing all else within1 true precedent achieved at a great cost4 ,now a fissure had suddenly appeared in that monument which ,iris had become and1 through the flaw1 ,i heard again1 briefly1 the voice of the girl ,i had met on the bank of the ,hudson in the spring of a lost year4 8,i never knew it would be like this10 she said1 almost whispering1 her eyes on ,cave while she spoke to me4 8,i never thought my life would be as alone as this1 all work40 8,yet you wanted it3 you do want it4 ,direction1 meaning1 you wanted all that and now you have it4 ,the magic worked1 ,iris4 ,your magician was real40 8,but ,i sometimes wonder if ,i am real anymore40 ,the words1 though softly spoken1 fell upon my ear like rounded stones1 smooth and hard4 8,it's too late10 ,i said1 mercilessly4 8,you are what you wanted to be4 ,live it out1 ,iris4 ,there is nothing else40 8,you're dead too10 she said at last1 her voice regaining its usual authority4 8,speaking of dead10 said ,cave suddenly turning toward us 7,i hoped he had not heard all our conversation71 8,stokharin here has come up with a wonderful scheme40 ,even ,clarissa fell silent4 ,we all did whenever ,cave spoke which was seldom on social occasions4 ,cave looked cheerfully about the table for a moment4 ,stokharin beamed with pleasure at the accolade4 8,you've probably all heard about the suicides as a result of ,cavesword40 ,cave had very early got into the habit of speaking of himself in the third person whenever a point or doctrine was involved4 8,paul's been collecting the monthly figures and each month they double4 ,of course they're not accurate since there are a good many deaths due to ,cavesword which we don't hear about4 ,anyway1 ,stokharin has perfected a painless death by poison1 a new compound which kills within an hour and is delightful to take40 8,i have combined certain narcotics which together insure a highly exhilarated state before the end1 as well as most pleasant fantasies40 ,stokharin smiled complacently4 ,cave nodded and continued4 8,i've already worked out some of the practical details for putting this into action4 ,there are still a lot of wrinkles1 but we can iron them out in time4 ,one of the big problems of present-day unorganized suicide is the mess it causes for the people unfortunate enough to be left behind4 ,there are legal complications2 there is occasionally grief in old-fashioned family groups2 there is also a general disturbance which1 though only social1 still tends to leave a bad taste1 giving suicide1 at least among the reactionaries1 a bad name4 8,our plan is simple4 ,we will provide at each ,center full faculties for those who have listened to ,cavesword and have responded to it by taking the better way4 ,there will be a number of comfortable rooms where the suicidalist may receive his friends for a last visit4 ,we'll provide legal assistance to put his affairs in order4 ,not everyone of course will be worthy of us4 ,those who choose death merely to evade responsibility will be censured and restrained4 ,but the deserving1 those whose lives have been devoted and orderly1 may come to us and receive the gift40 ,i was appalled2 before ,i could control myself ,i had said3 8,but the law6 ,you just can't let people kill themselves44440 8,why not80 ,cave looked at me coldly and ,i saw1 in the eyes of the others1 concern and hostility4 ,i had anticipated something like this ever since my talk with ,paul but ,i had not thought it would come so swiftly or so boldly4 ,paul spoke for ,cave4 8,we've got the ,congress and the ,congress will make a law for us4 ,for the time being1 though1 it is against the present statutes2 however1 we've been assured by our lawyers that there isn't much chance of their being invoked except perhaps in the remaining pockets of ,christianity where we'll go slow until we do have the necessary laws to protect us40 ,at that moment the line which had1 from the very beginning1 been visibly drawn between me and them1 became a wall apparent to everyone4 ,even ,clarissa1 my usual ally1 fearless and sharp1 did not speak out4 ,they looked at me1 all of them awaiting a sign2 even ,cave regarded me with curiosity4 ,my hand shook and ,i was forced to seize the edge of the table to steady myself4 ,the sensation of cold glass and iron gave me a sudden courage4 ,i brought ,cave's life to its end4 ,i turned to him and said1 quietly1 with all the firmness ,i could summon3 8,then you'll have to die as well as they1 and soon40 ,there was a shocked silence4 ,iris shut her eyes4 ,paul gasped and sat back abruptly in his chair4 ,cave turned white but he did not flinch4 ,his eyes did not waver4 ,they seized on mine1 terrible and remote1 full of power2 with an effort1 ,i looked past him4 ,i still feared his gaze4 8,what did you say80 ,the voice was curiously mild yet it increased rather than diminished the tension4 ,we had reached the crisis1 without a plan4 8,you have removed the fear of death for which future generations will thank you1 as ,i do4 ,but you have gone too far 444 all of you40 ,i looked about me at the pale faces2 a faint wisp of new moon curled in the pale sky above4 8,life is to be lived until the flesh no longer supports the life within4 ,the meaning of life1 ,cave1 is more life1 not death4 ,the enemy of life is death1 an enemy not to be feared but no less hostile for all that1 no less dangerous1 no less wrong when the living choose it instead of life1 either for themselves or for others4 ,you've been able to dispel our fear of the common adversary2 that was your great work in the world 444 now you want to go further1 to make love to this enemy we no longer fear1 to mate with death 444 and it is here that you1 all of you1 become the enemies of life40 8,stop it60 ,iris's voice was high and clear4 ,i did not look at her4 ,all that ,i could do now was to force the climax4 8,but sooner or later every act of human folly creates its own opposition4 ,this will too1 more soon than late1 for if one can make any generality about human beings it is that they want not to die4 ,you cannot stampede them into death for long4 ,they are enthusiastic now4 ,they may not be soon 444 unless of course there is some supreme example before them1 one which you1 ,cave1 can alone supply4 ,you will have to die by your own hand to show the virtue and the truth of all that you have said40 ,i had gone as far as ,i could4 ,i glanced at ,iris while ,i spoke2 she had grown white and old-looking and1 while ,i watched her1 ,i realized whom it was she resembled1 the obscure nagging memory which had disturbed me all through dinner3 she was like my mother1 a woman long dead1 one whose gentle blurred features had been strikingly similar to that frightened face which now stared at me as though ,i were a murderer4 ,paul was the one who answered me4 8,you're out of your mind1 ,gene10 he said1 when my meaning had at least penetrated to them all4 8,it doesn't follow in the least that ,cave must die because others want to4 ,the main work is still ahead of him4 ,this country is only a corner of the world4 ,there's some of ,europe and most of ,asia and ,africa still ahead of us4 ,how can you even suggest he quit now and die80 8,the work will be done whether he lives or not1 as you certainly know4 ,he's given it the first impetus4 ,the rest is up to the others1 to the ambitious1 the inspired 444 we've met enough of them these last few years3 they're quite capable of finishing the work without us40 8,but it's nothing without ,cave40 ,i shrugged4 ,i was suddenly relieved as the restraint of three furious years went in a rush4 8,i am as devoted to ,cave as anyone10 ,i said 7and ,i was1 ,i think1 honest74 8,i don't want him to die but all of you in your madness have made it impossible for him to live4 ,he's gone now to the limit1 to the last boundary3 he is the son of death and each of you supports him4 ,i don't1 for it was only my wish to make life better1 not death desirable4 ,i never really believed it would come to this3 that you1 ,cave1 would speak out for death1 against life40 ,i raised my eyes to his4 ,to my astonishment he had lowered his lids as though to hide from me1 to shut me out4 ,his head was shaking oddly from left to right and his lips were pressed tight together4 ,i struck again1 without mercy4 8,but don't stop now4 ,you've got your wish4 ,by all means1 build palaces if you like for those who choose to die in your name4 ,but remember that you will be their victim1 too4 ,the victim of their passionate trust4 ,they will force you to lead the way and you must be death's lover1 ,cave40 ,he opened his eyes and ,i was shocked to see them full of tears4 8,i'm not afraid10 he said4 ,,nine #a ,a few days after our disastrous dinner1 ,clarissa came to me in my office4 ,it was our first real meeting since her return from ,europe4 ,it was also my first meeting with any one of the directors for1 since the scene on the penthouse terrace1 none had come near me1 not even ,paul whom ,i usually saw at least once a day4 ,clarissa seemed tired but fashionable in summer lace4 ,she sat down heavily in the chair beside my desk and looked at me oddly4 8,recriminations80 ,i asked cheerfully3 the recent outburst had restored me to perfect health and equanimity4 ,i was prepared for anything1 especially battle4 8,you're an absolute fool and you know it10 she said at last4 8,i suppose there are wires in here1 recording everything we say40 8,i shouldn't be surprised4 ,fortunately1 ,i have no secrets40 8,there's no doubt of that10 she glared at me4 8,there was no need to rush things40 8,you mean you anticipated this80 8,what else8 ,where else could it lead8 ,the same thing happened to ,christ1 you know4 ,they kept pushing him to claim the kingdom4 ,finally1 they pushed too hard and he was killed4 ,it was the killing which perpetuated the legend40 8,and a number of other things40 8,in any case1 it's all gone too far4 ,also1 ,i don't think you even begin to see what you've done40 8,done8 ,i've merely brought the whole thing into the open 444 as well as put myself on record as being opposed to this 444 this passion for death40 8,that of course is nonsense4 ,just because a few nitwits44440 8,a few8 ,have you seen the statistics8 ,every month there are a few hundred more and as soon as ,stokharin gets his damned roadhouses for would-be suicides going we may find that44440 8,i always assumed ,paul made up the statistics4 ,but even if they are true1 even if a few hundred thousand people decide to slip away every year1 ,i am in favor of it4 ,there are too many people as it is and most of them aren't worth the room they take up4 ,i suspect all this is just one of nature's little devices to reduce the population 444 like pederasty on those ,greek islands40 8,you're outrageous40 8,i'm perfectly rational which is more than ,i can say for you4 ,anyway1 the reason ,i've come to see you today is1 first1 to warn you and1 second1 to say good-by40 8,good-by8 ,you're not44440 8,going to kill myself80 she laughed4 8,not in a hundred years 444 though ,i must say lately ,i've begun to feel old4 ,no1 ,i'm going away4 ,i've told ,paul that ,i've had my fun1 that you're all on your own and that ,i want no part of what's to come40 8,where will you go80 8,who knows8 ,now for the warning3 ,paul of course is furious at you and so is ,iris40 8,perfectly understandable4 ,what did he say80 8,nothing good4 ,i talked to him this morning4 ,i won't enrage you by repeating all the expletives2 it's enough to say he's eager to get you out of the way4 ,he feels you've been a malcontent all along40 8,he'll have trouble getting me to take ,stokharin's magic pill40 8,he may not leave it up to you10 said ,clarissa significantly1 and1 inadvertently1 ,i shuddered4 ,i had of course wondered if they would dare go so far4 ,i had doubted it but the matter-of-fact ,clarissa enlightened me4 8,watch out for him1 especially if he becomes friendly4 ,you must remember that with the country ,cavite and with ,paul in charge of the organization you haven't much chance40 8,i'll take what ,i have40 ,clarissa looked at me without1 ,i could see1 much hope2 it was disagreeable4 8,what you don't know1 and this is my last good deed for in a sense ,i'm responsible for getting you into this1 is that you accidentally gave the game away40 8,what do you mean80 8,i mean that ,paul has been planning for over a year to do away with ,cave4 ,he feels that ,cave's usefulness is over2 he's also uneasy about letting him loose in the world4 ,paul wants full control of the establishment and he can't have it while ,cave lives4 ,paul also realizes 444 he's much cleverer than you've ever thought1 by the way 444 that the ,cavites need a symbol1 some great sacrifice and obviously ,cave's suicide is the answer4 ,it is ,paul's intention either to get ,cave to kill himself or else to do it for him and then announce that ,cave1 of his own free will1 chose to die40 ,i had the brief sensation of a man drowning4 8,how do you know all this80 8,i have two eyes2 also1 ,iris told me40 8,she knows too80 8,of course she knows6 ,why else do you think she's so anxious to get ,cave away from this place8 ,she knows ,paul can have him killed at any time and no one would be the wiser40 ,i grunted with amazement3 ,i understood now what it was that had happened on the terrace4 ,i felt a perfect fool4 ,of them all ,i alone had been unaware of what was going on beneath the surface and1 in my folly1 ,i had detonated the situation without knowing it4 8,he knows too80 ,i asked weakly4 8,of course he does2 he's on his guard every minute against ,paul40 8,why has no one ever told me this80 ,clarissa shrugged4 8,they had no idea which side you'd take4 ,they still don't know4 ,paul believes that you are with him and though he curses you for an impetuous fool1 he's decided that perhaps it's a good idea now to bring all this into the open1 at least among ourselves4 ,he hopes for a majority vote in the directors' meeting to force ,cave to kill himself40 8,and ,cave80 8,has no wish to die 444 sensible man40 8,i am a fool40 8,what ,i've always told you1 dear40 ,clarissa smiled at me4 8,i will say1 though1 that you are the only one of the lot who has acted for an impersonal reason1 and certainly none of them understands you except me4 ,i am on your side1 in a way4 ,voluntary deaths don't alarm me the way they do you but this obsession which ,cave has of death being preferable to life may have ghastly consequences40 8,what can ,i do80 8,i haven't the faintest idea4 ,it's enough that you were warned in advance40 8,what would you do80 8,exactly what ,i'm going to do3 pull out for good and take a long trip40 8,i mean if you were ,i40 ,she sighed4 8,save your life1 if possible2 that's all you can do40 8,i have a few weapons1 you know4 ,i have the ,journal and ,i'm a director4 ,i have friends in every ,center40 ,this was almost true4 ,i had made a point of knowing as many ,residents as possible4 8,i also have ,iris and ,cave on my side since ,i'm willing to do all ,i can to keep him alive1 that he not become a supreme symbol40 8,i wish you luck10 ,clarissa was most cynical4 ,she rose4 8,now that ,i've done my bit of informing1 ,i'm off40 8,europe80 8,none of your business4 ,but ,i will tell you ,i won't go back there3 they've gone quite mad too4 ,in ,madrid ,i pretended to be a ,catholic and ,i watched them put ,cavites up before firing squads4 ,of course our people1 despite persecution1 are having a wonderfully exciting time with passwords and peculiar college fraternity handclasps and so on40 ,she collected her gloves and handbag from the floor where1 as usual1 she had strewn them4 8,well1 now good-by40 ,she gave me a kiss2 then she was gone4 ,i never saw her again4 #b ,events moved rapidly4 ,i took to bolting my bedroom door at night and1 during the day1 ,i was careful always to have one or another of my assistants near me4 ,it was a strange sensation to be living in a modern city with all its police and courts and yet to fear that1 in a crisis1 there would be no succor1 no one to turn to for aid and protection4 ,we were a separate government within the nation and the laws did not reach us4 ,the day after ,clarissa had said good-by1 ,paul appeared in my office4 ,i was surrounded by editors but at a look from him and a gesture from me they withdrew4 ,we had each kept our secret1 evidently1 for none of those close to us in that building suspected that there had been a fatal division4 8,i seem to be in disgrace10 ,i said1 my forefinger delicately caressing the buzzer which ,i had built into the arm of my chair so that ,i might summon aid in the event that a visitor proved to be either a bore or a maniac1 two types curiously drawn to enterprises such as ours4 8,i wouldn't say that40 ,paul sat in a chair close to my own2 ,i recall thinking1 a little madly1 that elephants are supposed to be at their most dangerous when they are quite still4 ,paul was noticeably controlled4 ,usually he managed to cross the room at least once for every full sentence2 now he sat looking at me1 his face without expression4 8,i've seen no one since our dinner except ,clarissa10 ,i explained2 then ,i added1 earnestly3 8,i wonder where she plans to go4 ,she didn't44440 8,you've almost wrecked everything10 he said1 his voice tight1 unfamiliar in its tension4 8,i didn't want to10 ,i said1 inaccurately4 ,i was at the moment more terrified than ,i'd ever been1 either before or since4 ,i could get no real grip on him3 the surface he presented me was as formidable1 as granitic as a prison wall4 8,who told you8 ,iris8 ,cave8 or were you spying80 ,each question was fired at me like a bullet4 8,spying on whom80 8,on me1 damn you60 ,then it broke4 ,the taut line of control which had held in check his anger and his fear broke all at once and the torrent flowed1 reckless and overpowering3 8,you meddling idiot6 ,you spied on me2 you found out2 you thought you'd be able to stall things by springing it like that4 ,well1 you failed40 ,i recall thinking1 quite calmly1 how much ,i preferred his face in the congested ugliness of rage to its ordinary banality of expression4 ,i was relieved1 too1 by the storm4 ,i could handle him when he was out of control4 ,i considered my counteroffensive while he shouted at me1 accused me of hostility to him1 of deviationism from ,cavesword and of numerous other crimes4 ,he stopped1 finally1 for lack of breath4 8,i gather10 ,i said1 my voice shaking a little from excitement1 8that at some point recently you decided that ,cave should apply ,cavesword to himself and die1 providing us with a splendid example1 an undying 7,i mean no pun7 symbol40 8,you know you found out and decided to get in on the act1 to force my hand4 ,now he'll never do it40 ,that was it then4 ,i was relieved to be no longer in the dark4 8,cave has refused to kill himself80 8,you bet your sweet life he has40 ,paul was beginning to recover his usual poise4 8,your little scene gave him the excuse he needed3 ',gene's right4'0 ,paul imitated ,cave's voice with startling accuracy and malice4 8',gene's right4 ,i never did mean for everybody to kill themselves off 444 where'd the world be if that happened8 ,just a few people4 ,that's all4' ,and he's damned if he's going to be one of them4 ',hate to set that sort of example4'0 8,well1 you'll have to try something else then40 8,why did you do it80 ,paul's voice became petulant4 8,did ,iris put you up to it80 8,nobody put me up to it40 8,you mean to sit there and try to make me believe that it just occurred to you1 like that1 to suggest ,cave would have to kill himself if he encouraged suicide80 8,i mean that it occurred to me exactly like that40 ,i looked at ,paul with vivid loathing4 8,can't you understand even the obvious relationship between cause and effect8 ,with this plan of ,stokharin's you'll make it impossible for ,cave not to commit suicide and1 when he does1 you will have an international death cult which ,i shall do my best to combat40 ,paul's hands began nervously to play with his tie1 his lapels3 ,i wondered if he'd come armed4 ,i placed my finger lightly upon the buzzer4 ,implacably1 we faced one another4 8,you are not truly ,cavesword0 was all that he said4 8,we won't argue about that4 ,i'm merely explaining to you why ,i said what ,i did and why ,i intend to keep ,cave alive as long as possible4 ,alive and hostile to you1 to your peculiar interpretation of his word40 ,paul looked suddenly disconsolate4 8,i've done what ,i thought best4 ,i feel ,cave should show us all the way4 ,i feel it's both logical and necessary to the ,establishment that he give back his life publicly40 8,but he doesn't want to40 8,that is the part ,i can't understand4 ,cavesword is that death is not to be feared but embraced yet he1 the man who has really changed the world1 refuses to die40 8,perhaps he feels he has more work to do4 ,more places to see4 ,perhaps1 ,paul1 he doesn't trust you 444 doesn't want to leave you in control of the ,establishment40 8,i'm willing to get out if that's all that's stopping him40 ,but the insincerity of this protestation was too apparent for either of us to contemplate for long4 8,i don't care what his motives are4 ,i don't care if he himself is terrified of dying 7and ,i have a hunch that that is the real reason for his hesitancy7 but ,i do know that ,i don't want him dead by his own hand40 8,you're quite sure of that80 8,absolutely sure4 ,i'm a director of the ,establishment and don't forget it1 ,paul3 it's ,iris1 ,cave and ,i against you and ,stokharin4 ,you may control the organization but we have ,cave himself40 ,i gathered courage in my desperation4 ,i purposely sounded as though ,i were in warm concert with the others4 8,i realize all that40 ,paul was suddenly meek1 conciliatory1 sublimely treacherous4 8,but you must allow me as much sincerity as you withhold for yourself4 ,i want to do what's best4 ,i think he should die and ,i've done everything to persuade him4 ,he was near agreement when you upset everything40 8,for which ,i'm happy 444 though it was something of an accident4 ,are you sure that it is only for the sake of ,cavesword you want him dead80 8,what other possible reason80 ,he looked at me indignantly4 ,i could not be sure whether he was telling the truth or not4 ,i doubted it4 8,many other reasons4 ,for one thing you would be his heir1 in complete control of the ,establishment2 and that of course is something worth inheriting40 ,paul shrugged convincingly4 8,i'm as much in charge now as ,i would be with him dead10 he said with a certain truth4 8,i'm interested in ,cavesword1 not in ,cave4 ,if his death enhances and establishes the ,word more securely then ,i must do all ,i can to convince him to take that course40 8,there is another way10 ,i said1 smiling at the pleasant thought4 8,another way80 8,to convince us of your dedication and sincerity to ,cavesword40 8,what's that80 8,you kill yourself1 ,paul40 ,there was a long silence4 ,i pressed the buzzer and my secretary came in4 ,without a word1 ,paul left4 ,immediately afterwards1 ,i took the private elevator to ,cave's penthouse4 ,two guards stopped me while ,i was announced by a third4 ,after a short delay1 ,i was admitted to ,cave's study1 but not to ,cave2 instead1 ,iris received me4 8,i know what's happening10 ,i said4 8,where is he80 8,obviously you do40 ,her voice was cold4 ,she did not ask me to sit down4 ,awkwardly1 ,i faced her at the room's center4 8,we must stop him40 8,john8 ,stop him from what80 8,doing what ,paul wants him to do40 8,and what you want as well40 8,you're mistaken4 ,i thought ,i made myself clear the other night4 ,but though my timing was apparently bad1 under no circumstances do ,i want him to die40 8,you made your speech to force him40 8,and ,paul thinks ,i made it to stop him40 ,i couldn't help smiling4 8,i am1 it seems1 everyone's enemy40 8,paul has told me everything4 ,how you and he and ,stokharin all decided1 without consulting us1 that ,john should die40 ,i was astonished at ,paul's boldness4 ,could he really be moving so swiftly8 ,how else explain such a prodigious lie8 ,i told her quickly1 urgently what ,i felt1 what ,i had said to ,paul and he to me4 ,she heard me to the end without expressing either belief or disbelief4 ,when ,i'd finished she turned away from me and went to the window where1 through yellow glass1 the city rose upon the band of horizon4 8,it's too late10 she said1 evenly4 8,i hadn't expected this4 ,perhaps you're telling me the truth 444 if you are1 you've made a terrible mistake40 ,she turned about suddenly1 with a precision which was almost military4 8,he's going to do it40 ,the awful words fell like a weight upon a scale4 ,i felt blindly for a chair and sat down1 all strength gone4 8,stop him10 ,i said1 all that ,i could say4 8,stop him40 8,it's too late for that40 ,she took pity on me4 8,i think you're telling me the truth4 ,gene40 ,she came over to where ,i was sitting and looked down at me gently4 8,i'm sorry ,i accused you4 ,i should have realized ,paul was lying40 8,you can stop him40 8,i can't4 ,i've tried but ,i can't40 ,her control was extraordinary4 ,i did not then guess the reason for her calm1 her strength4 8,then ,i must try40 ,i stood up4 ,she backed away at the expression on my face4 8,you can't do anything4 ,he won't see you4 ,he won't see anyone but me40 8,i thought he told ,paul he agreed with me1 that he didn't want to 444 to countenance all this1 that he44440 8,at first he took your side1 if it is really what you yourself feel3 then he thought about it and 444 this morning he decided to go ahead with ,paul's plan40 ,i was confused4 8,does ,paul know80 ,iris smiled wanly4 8,john is reserving for himself the pleasure of doing what he must do without ,paul's assistance40 8,or knowledge80 ,iris shrugged4 8,paul will find out about it this evening1 ,i suppose4 ,there will be an announcement4 ,john's secretary is getting it ready now 444 one for the public and another for the ,establishment40 8,when will it happen80 8,tomorrow4 ,i go with him1 ,gene40 8,you8 ,you're not going to die too80 8,i don't see that it makes much difference what ,i do when ,john dies40 8,you can't leave us now4 ,you can't leave ,paul in charge of everything4 ,he's a dangerous man4 ,why1 if44440 8,you'll be able to handle him40 ,it was perfectly apparent to me that she was no longer interested in me or in the others2 not even in the fate of the work we had begun4 8,it's finished1 if you go too10 ,i said bleakly4 8,together we could control ,paul2 alone1 ,i'd not last ten days4 ,iris1 let me talk to him40 8,i can't4 ,i won't40 ,i contemplated pushing by her and searching the penthouse but there were guards everywhere and ,i had no wish to be shot myself on such an errand4 ,she guessed my thought and said1 quickly 8,there's no possible way for you or anyone to get through to him4 ,sometime tonight or tomorrow he will leave and that's the end40 8,he won't do it here80 ,this surprised me4 ,she shook her head4 8,he wants to go off alone1 away from everyone4 ,i'm to be with him until the end2 then ,i'll send the body back here for burial 444 but he'll leave full instructions40 8,you mean ,i'm never to see either of you again8 ,just like that1 you both go80 8,just like this40 ,for the first time she displayed some warmth4 8,i've cared for you1 ,gene10 she said gently4 8,i even think that of us all you were the one most nearly right in your approach to ,john4 ,i think you understood him better than he did himself4 ,try to hold on after we go4 ,try to keep it away from ,paul40 8,as if ,i could60 ,i turned from her bitterly1 filled with unexpected grief3 ,i did not want to lose her presence even though ,i had lost her or1 rather1 never possessed more of her than that one bright instant years before on the ,california coast when we had both realized with the unexpected clarity of the lovers we were not that our lives had come to the same point at the same moment and the knowledge of this confluence was the one splendor ,i had known1 the single hope1 the unique passion of my life4 8,don't miss me1 ,gene4 ,i couldn't bear that40 ,she put her hand on my arm4 ,i walked away1 not able to bear her touch4 ,then they came4 ,paul and ,stokharin were in the study4 ,iris gasped and stepped back when she saw them4 ,i spun about just as ,paul shouted3 8,it won't work1 ,iris6 ,give it up40 8,get out of here1 ,paul40 ,her voice was strong4 8,you have no right here40 8,i have as much right as you4 ,now tell me whose idea was it8 yours8 or was it ,john's8 or ,gene's8 since he seems to enjoy playing both sides40 8,get out4 ,all of you40 ,she moved to the old-fashioned bell cord which hung beside ,cave's massive desk4 8,don't bother10 said ,paul4 8,no one will come40 ,iris1 her eyes wide now with fear1 tugged the cord twice3 the second time it broke off in her hand4 ,there was no response4 ,paul looked grim4 8,i'm sorry to have to do it this way but you've left me no choice4 ,you can't leave1 either of you40 8,you read44440 8,i saw the release4 ,it won't work40 8,why not8 ,it's what you've wanted all along4 ,everything will be yours4 ,there'll be nobody to stop you4 ,john will be dead and ,i'll be gone for good4 ,you'll never see me again 444 why must you interfere80 ,she spoke quickly1 plausibly but the false proportion was evident now1 even to me3 the plan was tumbling down at ,paul's assault4 8,iris1 ,i'm not a complete fool4 ,i know perfectly well that ,cave has no intention of killing himself and that44440 8,why do you think ,i'm going with him8 to send you the body back for the ceremony which you'll perform right here1 publicly44440 8,iris40 ,he looked at her for a long moment4 ,then3 8,if you two leave as planned tonight 7,i've canceled the helicopter by the way7 there will be no body1 no embalming1 no ceremony1 no point 444 only a mystery which might very well undo all our work4 ,i can't allow that4 ,cave must die here1 before morning4 ,we might have put it off but your announcement has already leaked out4 ,there'll be a million people out there in the street tomorrow4 ,we'll have to show them ,cave's body40 ,iris swayed2 ,i moved quickly to her side and held her arm4 8,it's three to two1 ,paul10 ,i said4 8,i assume we're still directors4 ,three of us have agreed that ,cave and ,iris leave4 ,that's final40 ,but my bluff was humiliatingly weak2 it was ignored4 8,the penthouse10 said ,paul softly1 8is empty 444 just the five of us here4 ,the ,doctor and ,i are armed4 ,take us in to him40 8,no40 ,iris moved instinctively1 fatally1 to the door which led to ,cave1 as if to guard it with her body4 ,there was a brief scuffle which ended with ,iris and myself1 considerably disheveled1 facing two guns4 ,with an apology1 ,stokharin pushed us through the door4 ,in a small sunroom we found ,cave sitting before a television screen1 watching the installation of a new ,resident in ,boston4 ,he looked up with surprise at our entrance4 8,i thought ,i said44440 he began but ,iris interrupted him4 8,they want to kill you1 ,john40 ,he got to his feet quickly1 his face pale and his eyes glaring4 ,even ,paul was shaken by that glance4 8,you read my last statement80 ,cave spoke sharply1 without apparent fear4 8,that's why we've come10 said ,paul2 he and ,stokharin moved1 as though by previous accord1 to opposite ends of the little room1 leaving the three of us together1 vulnerable at its center4 8,you must do it here40 ,paul signaled ,stokharin who1 after some fumbling1 produced a small metal box which he tossed to ,cave4 8,some of the new pills10 he said nervously4 8,very nice4 ,we use peppermint in the outer layer and44440 8,take it1 ,john40 8,i'll get some water10 said ,stokharin2 but ,paul waved to him to keep his place4 ,cave smiled whitely4 8,i will not take it4 ,now both of you get out of here before ,i call the guards40 8,no more guards10 said ,paul4 8,we've seen to that4 ,now1 please1 don't make it any more difficult than it is4 ,take the pill40 8,if you read my statement you know that44440 8,you intend to take a pleasant trip around the world incognito with ,iris4 ,yes1 ,i know4 ,as your friend1 ,i wish you could do it4 ,but1 for one thing1 sooner or later you'd be recognized and1 for another1 we must have proof 444 we must have a body40 8,iris will bring the body back10 said ,cave4 ,he was still quite calm4 8,i choose to do it this way and there's nothing more to be said4 ,you'll have the ,establishment all to yourself and ,i will be a most satisfactory figure upon which to build a world religion40 ,it was the only time in my experience with ,cave that ,i ever heard him strike the ironic note4 8,leave us alone1 ,paul4 ,you have what you want4 ,now let us go40 ,iris begged but ,paul had no eyes for anyone but ,cave4 8,take it1 ,john10 he repeated softly4 8,take ,cavesway40 8,not for you40 ,cave hurled the metal box at ,paul's head and ,stokharin fired4 ,there was one almost bland moment when we all stood1 politely1 in a circle and watched ,cave1 a look of wonder on his face1 touch his shoulder where the blood had begun to flow through a hole in the jacket4 ,then ,iris turned fiercely on ,paul1 knocking him off balance1 while ,cave ran to the door4 ,stokharin1 his hand shaking and his face silver with fear1 fired three times1 each time hitting ,cave who quivered but did not fall2 instead1 he got through the door and into the study4 ,as ,stokharin hurried after him1 ,i threw myself upon him1 expecting death at any moment2 but it did not come for ,stokharin had collapsed4 ,he dropped his gun and hid his face in his hands1 rocking back and forth on the floor1 sobbing4 ,paul1 free of ,iris's fierce grip1 got to ,cave before ,i did4 ,by then it was finished4 ,cave lay in the corridor only a few feet from the elevator4 ,he'd fallen on his face and lay now in his own blood1 his hands working at the floor as though trying to dig himself a grave in the hard stone4 ,i turned him on his back and he opened his eyes4 8,iris80 he asked4 ,his voice was ordinary though his breathing was harsh1 uneven4 8,here ,i am40 ,she knelt down beside him1 ignoring ,paul who stood looking down at them1 his pistol held at an absurd angle in his inexperienced hand4 ,cave whispered something to ,iris2 then a flow of blood1 like the full moon's tide1 poured from his mouth and he was dead4 8,cavesway10 said ,paul at last when the silence had been used up3 the phrase he had prepared for this moment1 inadequate to the reality at our feet4 8,your way10 said ,iris as she got to her feet4 ,she looked at ,paul calmly1 as though they'd met only at that moment4 8,your way10 she repeated4 ,in the other room ,stokharin moaned4 ,,ten #a ,now the work was complete4 ,cavesword and ,cavesway formed a perfect design and all the rest would greatly follow 444 or so ,paul assumed4 ,i believe if ,i had been he ,i should have killed both ,iris and myself the same day1 removing at one stroke witnesses and opposition4 ,but he did not have the courage and1 too1 ,i think he underestimated us1 to his own future sorrow4 ,iris and ,i were left alone in the penthouse4 ,paul1 after shaking ,stokharin into a semblance of calm1 bundled ,cave's body into a blanket and then1 with the doctor's help1 put it upon the private elevator4 ,the next twenty-four hours were a grim carnival4 ,the body of ,cave1 beautifully arranged and painted1 lay in the central auditorium of the center as thousands filed by to see him4 ,paul's speech over the corpse was telecast around the world4 ,iris and ,i kept to our separate rooms1 both by choice and from necessity since gentle guards stood before our doors and refused1 apologetically1 to let us out4 ,i watched the services over television while my chief editors visited me one by one unaware of what had happened1 ignoring the presence of the guards4 ,it was assumed that ,i was too shocked by grief to go to the office4 ,needless to say1 ,i did not mention to any of them what had happened4 ,at first ,i had thought it best to expose ,paul as a murderer and a fraud but1 on second thought 7the second thought which followed all too swiftly upon the first1 as ,paul had no doubt assumed it would71 ,i did not want to risk the ruin of our work4 ,instead1 ,i decided to wait1 to study ,paul's destruction1 an event which ,i had grimly vowed would take place as soon as possible4 ,he could not now get rid of either ,iris or me in the near future and all we needed1 ,i was sure1 was but a week or two4 ,i was convinced of this though ,i had no specific plan4 ,iris had more influence1 more prestige in the ,establishment than ,paul1 and ,i figured1 correctly as later events corroborated1 that ,cave's death would enhance her position4 ,as for myself1 ,i was not without influence4 ,i kept my lines of communication clear the next few days during what was1 virtually1 a house-arrest4 ,the editors came to me regularly and ,i continued to compose editorials4 ,the explanation for my confinement to my room was1 according to a bulletin signed by ,stokharin1 a mild heart condition4 ,everyone was most kind4 ,i was amused when ,i first heard of the diagnosis3 one of ,stokharin's pellets in my food and death would be ascribed to coronary occlusion1 the result of the strain attendant upon ,cave's death4 ,i had less time than ,i thought4 ,i made plans4 ,paul's funeral oration was competent though less than inspiring4 ,the ,chief ,resident of ,dallas1 one of the great new figures of the ,establishment1 made an even finer speech over the corpse4 ,i listened attentively1 judging from what was said and what was not said the wind's direction3 it was quite obvious that ,cavesway was to be the heart of the doctrine4 ,death was to be embraced with passion2 life was the criminal2 death the better reality2 consciousness was an evil which1 in death's oblivion1 met its true fate 444 man's one perfect virtuous act was the sacrifice of his own consciousness to the pure nothing from which1 by grim accident1 it had come1 a malignancy in creation4 ,the ,chief ,resident of ,dallas was most eloquent1 and chilling4 ,even sequestered in my room1 ,i caught some of the excitement which circled the globe like a lightning storm4 ,thirty-five hundred suicides were reported within forty-eight hours of ,cave's death4 ,the statisticians lost count of the number of people who fought to get inside the building to see ,cave in death4 ,from my window1 however1 ,i could see that ,park ,avenue had been roped off for a dozen blocks4 ,people1 like ants1 swarmed toward the gates of the tower4 ,i sent messages to ,iris but received none1 nor1 for that matter1 did ,i have any assurance that she had got mine4 ,paul's adventures ,i followed on television and from the reports of my editors who visited me regularly1 despite ,stokharin's orders4 ,on the third day1 ,i was allowed to go to my office3 ,paul having decided that it would be thought odd if ,i were to die so soon after ,cave and1 too1 he was no doubt relieved to discover that ,i had not revealed to my friends what actually had happened4 ,having established the fact of my weak heart1 my death could be engineered most plausibly at any time4 ,i did not see him face to face until the fourth day1 when ,john ,cave's ashes were to be distributed over the ,united ,states4 ,stokharin1 ,paul and ,i sat in the back seat of a limousine at the head of a motorcade which1 beginning at the tower1 terminated at the airport where the jet-plane which would sprinkle the ashes over ,new ,york1 ,seattle1 ,chicago and ,los ,angeles was waiting1 along with a vast crowd and the ,president of the ,united ,states1 an official ,christian but known to incline1 as ,presidents do1 toward the majority4444 ,cavites were the majority and had been for almost two years4 ,i was startled to find ,paul and ,stokharin in the same automobile4 ,it had been my understanding that we were to travel separately in the motorcade4 ,they were most cordial4 8,sorry to hear you've been sick1 ,gene10 ,paul grinned ingenuously4 8,mustn't strain the old ticker40 8,i'm sure the good doctor will be able to cure me10 ,i said cheerfully4 ,they both laughed loudly2 then the car pulled away from the tower and drove down ,park ,avenue at the head of a long procession4 ,crowds lined the street as we drove slowly by4 ,they were curiously still1 as though they hardly knew how to react3 this was a funeral yet ,cavesway was glorious4 ,some cheered2 most simply stared and pointed at our car1 recognizing ,paul4 ,i suddenly realized why they were so interested in this particular car3 on the floor1 at ,paul's feet1 was what looked like a large flower pot covered with gold foil4 8,are those the ashes80 ,paul nodded4 8,did an extra quick job1 too1 ,i'm glad to say4 ,we didn't want any slip up40 8,where's ,iris80 8,i was going to ask you that40 ,paul looked at me sharply4 8,she disappeared yesterday and it's very embarrassing for all of us1 very inconsiderate too3 she knew ,i especially wanted her at the ceremony4 ,she knows that everyone will expect to see her40 8,i think she took the idea of ,cavesway most illogically10 said ,stokharin1 his usual sang-froid had returned1 his breakdown forgotten4 8,she should be grateful to us for making all this possible1 despite ,cave's weakness40 ,i ignored ,stokharin4 ,i looked at ,paul who was beaming at the crowd1 acknowledging their waves with nods of his head4 8,what will you do now80 8,you heard the ceremony80 8,yes40 8,well1 just that4 ,cavesway has become universal4 ,even the economists in ,washington have privately thanked us for what we're doing to reduce the population4 ,there's a theory that by numerous voluntary deaths wars might decrease since 444 or so the proposition goes 444 they are nature's way of checking population40 8,perhaps you're right40 ,i assumed a troubled expression as ,i made the first move of my counteroffensive4 ,paul looked away from the crowd to regard me briefly1 shrewdly4 8,you don't think ,i trust you1 do you80 ,i shrugged1 8,why not8 ,i can't change ,cavesway now40 ,paul grunted4 ,i could see that he did not believe this spurious volte-face2 nevertheless1 an end to my active opposition would force him to revise his plans2 this would1 ,i hoped1 give me the time ,i needed4 ,i pressed on3 8,i think we can compromise4 ,short of rigging my death which would cause suspicion1 you must continue to put up with me for a while4 ,you've nothing to fear from me since you control the ,establishment and since the one weapon ,i have against you ,i will not use40 8,you mean44440 8,my having witnessed the murder of ,cave4 ,if ,i had wanted to ,i could have revealed this before the cremation4 ,an autopsy would certainly have ruined everything for you40 8,why didn't you80 ,i could see that ,paul was genuinely interested in my motives4 8,because it would have meant the end of the work4 ,i saw no reason to avenge ,cave at such a cost3 you must remember he was not a god to me1 any more than you are40 ,this twist of a blunt knife had the calculated effect3 8,what a cold devil you are60 said ,paul1 almost admiringly4 8,i wish ,i could believe you40 8,there's no reason not to4 ,i was opposed to the principle of suicide4 ,it is now firmly established4 ,we must go on from there40 8,then tell me where ,iris is40 8,i haven't any idea4 ,as you know1 ,i've been trying to get in touch with her for days2 your people intercepted everything4 ,how did she manage to get away80 8,one of the guards let her out4 ,i thought he was one of our boys but it seems she worked on him and he left with her4 ,i've alerted all the ,centers2 so far no one's seen her40 ,just before ,grand ,central ,station1 the crowd began to roar with excitement and ,paul held up the jar of ashes which glittered in his hands2 the crowd went wild and tried to break through the police lines4 ,the cortege drove a bit faster and ,paul set the ashes down2 he looked triumphant but tired1 as though he'd not slept in a month3 one eyelid1 ,i saw1 was twitching with fatigue4 8,when are we to have a directors' meeting80 ,i asked as we crossed the bridge which spanned the ,hudson4 8,we're still legally a company4 ,we must elect a new board chairman40 8,as soon as we find ,iris10 said ,paul4 8,i think we should all be there1 don't you8 ,two to two40 8,perhaps three to one on the main things10 ,i said1 allowing this to penetrate1 aware that his quick mind would study all the possibilities and arrive at a position so subtle and unexpected as to be of use to me if ,i1 in turn1 were quick enough to seize my opportunity4 ,at the airport1 a detachment of airborne troops were drawn up before a festooned reviewing stand4 ,near by the ,marine ,band played incongruous marches while in the center of the stand1 surrounded by cameras and dignitaries1 stood the smiling ,president of the ,united ,states4 #b ,the next day while ,i was examining the various accounts of the last ceremony1 the chief editor came into my office1 his face blazing with excitement3 8,iris ,mortimer60 was all he could say4 8,iris8 ,where80 8,dallas40 ,he exploded the name in exhalation2 then he told me3 word had come from our office there that ,iris had1 a few hours before1 denounced ,paul for having ignored ,cave's last wishes to be embalmed and that1 as a result of this and other infidelities to ,cavesword1 she1 as ranking director and with the full concurrence of the ,chief ,resident of ,dallas1 was calling a ,council of ,residents to be held the following week at ,dallas to determine the future course of the ,establishment4 ,i almost laughed aloud with pleasure4 ,i had not believed she would show such vigor and daring4 ,i had feared that she might choose to vanish into obscurity1 her life ended with ,cave 444 even at my most optimistic1 ,i had not dreamed she would act with such realism1 exploiting a rivalry between ,paul and the ,chief ,resident of ,dallas1 the premier member of the ,council of ,residents1 a group that1 until now1 had existed for purely ceremonial reasons1 exerting no influence upon the administration of the ,establishment which1 while ,cave lived1 was by ,paul directed4 ,now with one stroke ,iris had undermined ,paul by going directly to the ,establishment4 ,i moved swiftly4 ,the ,journal was at that moment going to press4 ,i scribbled a brief announcement of the coming ,council of ,residents1 naming ,iris as ,cave's spiritual heir and custodian of the ,establishment4 ,by telephone1 ,i ordered a box to be cut out of the first page4 ,i had not acted a moment too soon for a few minutes after my telephone call to the compositor1 ,paul came to my office1 furious4 ,he slammed the door behind him4 ,we were alone for the first time in weeks4 8,you knew this was going to happen40 8,i wish ,i had40 ,he paced the floor quickly1 eyes shining4 8,i've sent out an order countermanding ,iris4 ,i've also removed the ,resident at ,dallas4 ,i'm still in charge of the ,establishment4 ,i control the funds and ,i've told every damned ,resident in this country that if he goes to ,dallas ,i'll cut off his ,center without a penny40 8,it won't work40 ,i smiled amiably at ,paul4 8,your only hold over the ,establishment is legal4 ,you are the vice president of the corporation and now1 at least for the interim1 you're in charge4 ,fine4 ,but since you've become so devoted to the letter of the law you can't act without consulting your directors and two of them will be in ,dallas1 reorganizing40 ,he cursed me for some minutes3 then abruptly he stopped4 8,you won't go to ,dallas4 ,you're going to be here for the directors' meeting which cuts off every ,resident who attends that circus without a penny4 ,we own the damned ,centers2 we can appoint whom we like4 ,you're going to help ratify my new appointments40 ,i pressed the buzzer in my chair3 a secretary came in4 ,i told her to get me a reservation on the next plane to ,dallas2 then1 before she had closed the door behind her1 ,i was halfway through it4 ,i turned to look back at ,paul who stood now quite alone in the office4 8,you had better come too10 ,i said4 8,it's all over40 #c ,the new ,establishment was many months in the making4 ,the ,council of seven hundred ,residents from all parts of the world sat in general session once a week and in various committees the rest of the time4 ,iris was everywhere at once1 advising1 encouraging1 proposing4 ,we had adjoining suites in the huge white marble ,center which had now become 7and was to remain7 the capitol of the ,cavite ,establishment4 ,the ,residents were an extraordinary crew1 ranging from zealous maniacs to urbane1 thoughtful men4 ,none had been in the least disturbed by ,paul's threats and with ,iris and myself as chief stockholders 7,clarissa had turned her voting shares over to ,iris1 ,i discovered71 we dissolved the old company and a new organization was fashioned1 one governed by the ,council of ,residents who1 in turn1 chose an heir to ,cave and an administrative assistant to direct the affairs of the ,establishment4 ,iris was unanimously appointed ,guardian of ,cavesword while the ,chief ,resident of ,dallas undertook ,paul's old administrative duties4 ,from a constitutional point of view the ,council was in perfect agreement1 accepting ,iris's guidance without demur4 ,i1 myself1 was something of a hero for having committed the ,journal at a crucial moment to the ,dallas synod4 ,i was made an honorary ,resident 7,dubuque1 ,iowa1 was given me as a titular ,center7 and appointed to the ,executive ,committee which was composed of ,iris1 ,dallas1 two elected ,residents and myself4 ,we worked harmoniously for some weeks4 ,each day we would issue bulletins to the news-services which had congregated in the city1 reporting our progress zealously1 devotedly4 ,paul arrived in the second week4 ,he came secretly and unannounced4 ,i have no idea what it was that he said to ,iris or what she said to him2 all ,i know is that a few hours after their meeting in the ,center1 he took ,cavesway of his own free will and to my astonishment4 ,i hadn't believed it possible1 ,i said1 when ,iris told me1 shortly after the ,center announced the presence of ,paul ,himmell among the dead for that week 7regular lists were published of those who had used the ,center's facilities to take ,cavesway72 in fact1 so quietly was it handled that very little was made of it in the press which did not even report the event until ten days after it had taken place4 8,we may have misunderstood ,paul10 ,iris was serene4 ,her figure had become in the last year thick and maternal while her hair was streaked with premature white4 ,we were alone in the ,committee ,room1 waiting for our fellow committeemen who were not due for another half hour4 ,the ,august sun shone gold upon the mahogany table1 illuminating warmly1 like a ,byzantine mosaic1 the painting of ,cave which hung behind her chair4 8,he really did do it himself80 ,i looked at her suspiciously4 ,she smiled softly1 with amusement4 8,he was persuaded10 she said4 8,but he did it himself1 of his own free will40 8,not forced80 8,i swear not4 ,he was more sincere than ,i'd ever thought4 ,he believed in ,cavesway40 ,how naturally she said that word which she had so desperately tried to keep from ever existing4 ,we had not once alone referred to the murder of ,cave1 both acting1 for different reasons1 as though his death had been1 as the world now thought1 his own doing4 8,you had really planned to go away80 ,i asked4 ,she looked at me1 suddenly alert1 impersonal3 8,that's all finished1 ,gene4 ,we must keep on in the present4 ,i never think now of anything but ,cavesword and ,cavesway4 ,it does no good to think of what might have been40 ,and that was the most we were ever to say to one another about the crisis in our lives4 ,we talked of the present2 we made plans4 ,stokharin had disappeared at the same time ,paul flew to ,dallas and we both decided it was wisest to forget him3 certainly he would not trouble us again4 ,there was no talk of vengeance4 ,the committee members1 important and proud1 joined us and we took up the day's problem which was1 by some irony1 the standardization of facilities for ,cavesway in the different ,centers4 ,quietly1 without raising our voices1 in a most good-humored way1 we broke neatly in half on ,cavesway4 ,i and one other ,resident objected to the emphasis on death4 ,dallas and the fourth member were in favor of expanding the facilities1 both physically and psychologically1 until every ,cavite at the moment when he felt his social usefulness ebbing could take ,cavesway4 ,we argued reasonably with one another until it became apparent that there was no possible ground for compromise4 ,it was put to a vote and ,iris broke the tie by endorsing ,cavesway4 #d ,this morning as ,i finished the above lines ,i suffered a mild stroke 444 a particularly unusual one since ,i did not become1 as far as ,i know1 unconscious4 ,i was rereading my somewhat telescoped account of the ,council of ,dallas when1 without warning1 the blow fell2 a capillary burst in my brain and ,i felt as though ,i were losing my mind in one last fantastic burst of images4 ,the pain was negligible1 no worse than a headache1 but the sensation of letting go one's conscious mind1 one's control was terrifying4 ,i tried to move from my work-table1 to call for help1 but ,i was too weak4 ,for one long giddy moment ,i thought3 ,i am dying2 this is the way it is and1 even in my anguish1 ,i was curious1 waiting for that approach of winged darkness which years ago ,i once experienced when ,i fainted and which ,i have always since imagined to be like death's swift entrance4 ,but then my body recovered from the assault3 the wall was breached1 the enemy is in the city but the citadel is still intact and yet ,i live4 ,weakly ,i got up1 poured myself a jigger of brandy and then1 having drunk it all at once1 fell across my bed and slept and did not dream1 which is a rare blessing in these feverish last days4 ,i was awakened by the sensation of being watched4 ,i opened my eyes and saw above me1 looking like a bronze figure of ,anubis1 ,jessup who said1 8,i'm sorry 444 didn't mean to disturb you4 ,your door was open and ,i44440 8,perfectly all right10 ,i said1 as smoothly as ,i could1 drugged with sleep4 ,i pulled myself up against the pillows4 8,excuse me for not getting up but ,i'm still a little weak from my illness40 8,i wanted to see you10 said ,jessup1 sitting down in the chair which ,i indicated beside the bed4 8,i hope you don't mind my barging in like this40 8,not at all4 ,how do you find ,luxor80 ,i wanted to delay as long as possible the questions which ,i was quite sure he would want to ask me1 questions concerning my identity4 8,the people are not so fixed in error as we'd been warned4 ,there's a great curiosity about ,cavesword40 ,his eyes had been taking in the details of the room with some interest2 to my horror ,i recalled that ,i had left the manuscript of my work on the table instead of hiding it as usual in the washstand4 ,he saw it4 8,your 444 memoirs80 ,he looked at me with a polite interest which ,i was sure disguised foreknowledge4 8,a record of my excavations10 ,i said1 in a voice which descended the scale to a whisper4 8,i do it for my own amusement1 to pass the time40 8,i should enjoy reading it40 8,you exaggerate1 in your kindness10 ,i said1 pushing myself higher on the bed1 preparing if necessary for a sudden spring4 8,not at all4 ,if it is about ,egypt1 ,i should read it4 ,there are no contemporary accounts of this country 444 by one of us40 8,i'm afraid the details of findings in the valley yonder10 ,i gestured toward ,libya and the last acres of the kings1 8won't be of much use to you4 ,i avoid all mention of people less than two millennia dead40 8,even so40 ,but ,jessup did not pursue the subject4 ,i relaxed a little4 8,i must tell you10 he said suddenly1 8that ,i was suspicious of you40 ,now ,i thought1 now it comes2 then ,i was amused3 right at the end they arrive1 when it was too late for them1 or for me4 8,what form did your suspicions take80 ,my fear left me in one last flurry1 like a bird departing in a cold wind for another latitude1 leaving the branch which held it all summer through to wither in the snow4 8,i thought you might be the one we have so often heard of 444 in legend1 that is3 the enemy of ,cave40 8,which enemy80 8,the nameless one or at least we know a part of his name if lutherist is derived from it40 8,what made you suspect me80 8,because were ,i an enemy of ,cave and were ,i forced to disappear1 ,i should come to just such a town in just such a country as this40 8,perfectly logical10 ,i agreed4 8,but there are many towns in the ,arab ,league1 in ,asia too4 ,why suppose one old man to be this mythical villain80 ,jessup smiled4 8,intuition1 ,i'm afraid4 ,a terrible admission from one who has been trained in the logic of ,cavesword4 ,it seemed exactly right4 ,you're the right age1 the right nationality 444 in any case1 ,i telephoned ,dallas about you40 ,i took this calmly4 8,you talked to the ,chief ,resident himself80 8,of course not40 ,jessup was surprised at my suggestion4 8,one just doesn't call the ,chief ,resident like that4 ,only the senior ,residents ever talk to him personally4 ,no1 ,i talked to an old friend of mine who is one or the five principal assistants to the ,historian ,general4 ,we were in school together and his specialty is the deviationists of the early days40 8,and what did you learn from this scholar80 ,jessup gave me a most charming smile4 8,nothing at all4 ,there was no such person as ,i thought existed1 as a number of people thought existed4 ,it was all a legend 444 a perfectly natural one for gossip to invent4 ,there was a good deal of trouble at the beginning1 especially over ,cavesway4 ,there was even a minority at ,dallas which refused to accept the principle of ,cavesway without which of course there could be no ,establishment4 ,according to the stories one heard as recently as my university days1 ten years ago1 the original lutherist had led the opposition to ,iris1 in the ,council and out4 ,for a time it looked as though the ,establishment might be broken in two 7this1 you must remember since you were contemporary to it2 fortunately1 our ,historical ,office has tended more and more to view it in the long perspective and popular works on ,cave now make no reference to it72 in any case1 there was an open break and the minority was soon absorbed by the majority40 8,painlessly80 ,i mocked him4 ,could he be telling the truth8 or was this a trap8 ,jessup shrugged4 8,these things are never without pain4 ,it is said that an attempt was made on our mother ,iris's life during the ceremony of ,cave's ashes4 ,we still continue it1 you know40 8,continue what80 8,the symbolic gathering of the ashes4 ,but of course you know the origin of all that4 ,there was a grave misinterpretation of ,cave's last wishes4 ,his ashes were scattered over the ,united ,states when it was his wish to be embalmed and preserved4 ,iris1 each year1 traveled to the four cities over which the ashes had been distributed and she collected a bit of dust in each city to symbolize her obedience to ,cavesword in all things4 ,at ,seattle1 during this annual ceremony1 a group of lutherists tried to assassinate her40 8,i remember10 ,i said4 ,i had had no hand in that dark episode but it provided the ,establishment with the excuse they needed4 ,my partisans were thrown in prison all over the country4 ,the government1 which by then was entirely ,cavite1 handed several thousand over to the ,centers where they were indoctrinated1 ending the heresy for good4 ,iris herself had secretly arranged for my escape 444 but ,jessup could know nothing of this4 8,of course you know these things1 perhaps even better than ,i since you were alive then4 ,forgive me4 ,i have got into the bad ,residential habit of explaining the obvious4 ,an occupational disease40 ,he was disarming4 8,the point ,i'm trying to make is that my suspicions of you were unworthy and unfounded since there was no leader of the lutherists to escape2 all involved responded nicely to indoctrination and that was the end of it4 ,the story ,i heard in school was a popular one4 ,the sort that often evolves 444 like ,lucifer and the old ,christian ,god1 for instance 444 for white there must be black1 that kind of thing4 ,except that ,cave never had a major antagonist1 other than in legend40 8,i see4 ,tell me1 then1 if there was no real leader to the lutherists1 how did they come by their name80 ,his answer was prompt4 8,martin ,luther4 ,my friend in the ,h4,o4 told me this morning over the telephone4 ,someone tried to make an analogy1 that's all1 and the name stuck though1 as a rule1 the use of any words or concepts derived from the dead religions is frowned upon4 ,you know the story of ,martin ,luther8 ,it seems that he44440 8,i know the story of ,martin ,luther10 ,i answered1 more sharply than ,i intended4 8,now ,i've tired you40 ,jessup was sympathetic4 ,he got to his feet4 8,i just wanted to tell you about my suspicions1 that's all2 ,i thought it might amuse you and perhaps bring us closer together for ,i'd very much like to be your friend1 not only for the help you can give me up here but also because of your memories of the old days when ,cave and ,iris1 his mother1 still lived40 8,iris was at least five years younger than ,cave40 8,everyone knows that1 my friend4 ,she was his spiritual mother1 as she is ours4 ',from the dark womb of unbeing we emerge in the awful light of consciousness from which the only virtuous escape is ,cavesway4' ,i quote from ,iris's last testament4 ,it was found among her papers after her death40 8,did she take ,cavesway80 ,jessup frowned4 8,it is said that she died of pneumonia but had death not come upon her unexpectedly it was well known that she would have taken ,cavesway4 ,there has been considerable debate over this at ,dallas4 ,i hear from highly placed people that before many years have passed they will promulgate a new interpretation1 applying only to ,iris1 which will establish that intent and fact are the same1 that though she died of pneumonia she intended to take ,cavesway and1 therefore1 took ,cavesway in spirit and therefore in fact40 8,a most inspiring definition40 8,it is beautifully clear1 though perhaps difficult for an untrained mind4 ,can ,i read your memoir80 ,his eyes strayed curiously to the table4 8,when it's finished10 ,i said4 8,it's almost done now4 ,in a few days perhaps2 ,i should be most curious to see how it strikes you40 8,well1 ,i won't take up any more of your time4 ,i hope you'll let me come to see you40 8,nothing could give me more pleasure40 ,and then1 with a pat on my shoulder and a kind suggestion that should ,i choose ,cavesway he would be willing to administer the latest drug1 ,jessup departed4 ,i remained very still for some minutes1 holding my breath for long intervals1 trying to die4 ,then1 in a sudden rage1 ,i hurled my pillow across the room and beat the mattress with my fists3 it was over4 ,all was at an end except my own miserable life which will soon enough be gone4 ,my name erased2 my work subverted2 all that ,i most detested regnant in the world4 ,i could have wept had there been one tear left in me4 ,now there is nothing ,i can do but finish this narrative 444 for its own sake since it will be thought1 ,i know1 the ravings of a mad man when ,jessup reads it1 as he surely will after ,i am dead4 ,i have tried now for several hours to describe my last meeting with ,iris but ,i find that my memory is at last seriously impaired1 the result1 no doubt1 of that tiny vein which broke this morning in my brain4 ,it all seems a jumble4 ,i think there were several years in which ,i was in opposition4 ,i think that ,i had considerable support and ,i am almost sure that1 until the attempted assassination of ,iris at ,seattle1 ,i was close to dominating the ,council of ,residents4 ,the idiotic attempt on her life1 however1 ruined everything4 ,she knew of course that ,i had had nothing to do with it but she was a resolute leader and she took this opportunity to annihilate my party4 ,i believe we met for the last time in a garden4 ,a garden very like the one where we first met in ,california4 ,no1 on the banks of the ,hudson 444 ,i must reread what ,i have written to refresh my memory4 ,it is all beginning to fade rapidly4 ,in any case1 we met in a garden in the late autumn when all the trees were bare4 ,she was white-haired then1 though neither of us was much over forty4 ,i believe that she wept a little3 for we were the last who had been close to ,cave1 heirs both though now adversaries1 she victrix and ,i vanquished4 ,i never loved her more than at that last moment2 of this ,i am sure4 ,we talked of possible places of exile4 ,she had arranged for my passage on a ship to ,alexandria under the name of ,richard ,hudson 7yes1 she who erased my name1 in her compassion1 gave me a new one74 ,she did not want1 however1 to know where ,i intended to go from there4 8,it would be a temptation to the others10 she said4 ,i remember that one sentence and ,i do remember the appearance of the garden though its location ,i have quite forgotten3 there was a high wall all around it and the smell of moldering leaves was acrid4 ,from the mouth of a satyr no water fell in a mossy pool4 ,ah yes6 the question and the answer4 ,that's it of course4 ,the key4 ,i had nearly lost it4 ,before ,i left1 ,i asked her what it was that ,cave had said to her when he was dying1 the words the rest of us had not heard4 ,at first she hesitated but then1 secure in her power and confident of her own course1 she told me3 8,he said3 ',gene was right4'0 ,i remember looking at her with shock1 waiting for her to continue1 to make some apology for the monstrousness of her deeds1 for her reckless falsification of ,cave's life and death4 ,but she said no more3 there was1 ,i suppose1 no explanation she might have made4 ,we parted without farewells1 without more words4 ,i left the gray garden which had become bitter cold during our conversation4 ,i left ,america that same day and my real life ended4 ,there's more to it than this but ,i cannot get it straight in my mind4 ,something has happened to my memory4 ,i wonder if perhaps ,i have not dreamed all this3 a long nightmare drawing to its bitter close in this dry ruin of an older world4 ,it is late now4 ,i still live though ,i am exhausted and indifferent to everything except that violent living sun whose morning light has just this moment begun to strike upon the western hills across the river3 all that is left1 all that ever was1 the red fire4 ,i shall not take ,cavesway even though ,i die in pain and confusion4 ,anubis must wait for me in the valley until the last and1 even then1 ,i shall struggle in his arms for ,i know now that life1 my life was more valuable than ,i knew1 more significant and virtuous than the other's was in her bleak victory4 ,though my memory is going from me rapidly1 the meaning is clear and unmistakable and ,i see the pattern whole at last1 marked in giant strokes upon the air3 ,i was he whom the world awaited4 ,i was that figure1 that messiah whose work might have been the world's delight1 and liberation4 ,but the villain death once more undid me and to him belongs the moment's triumph4 ,yet life continues1 though ,i do not4 ,time bends upon itself4 ,the morning breaks4 ,now ,i will stop for it is day4 #aidg to ,november1 #aiec3 ,barrytown1 ,n4 ,y4