,,asbury _/ ,,up ,,from ,,methodism     
,,herbert ,,asbury      ,,up ,,from     
,,methodism      ,illustration          
,,alfred  ,a  ,,knopf      ,,new ,,york 
#aibf            ,copyright #aibf by    
,alfred ,a4 ,knopf1 ,inc4               
,manufactured in the ,united ,states of 
,america            ,,to    ,,stanley   
,,walker                    ,,chapter ,i
 ,page #c    ,,home ,,life ,,of ,a ,,boy
 ,,destined ,,for ,,heaven              
,,chapter ,,ii ,page #be         ,,the  
,,machinery ,,of ,,salvation            
,,chapter ,,iii ,page #cf               
,,taboos ,,of ,,the ,,lord',s ,,day     
,,chapter ,,iv ,page #ef                
,,agents ,,of ,,god            ,,chapter
 ,v ,page #ih          ,a ,,bad ,,boy   
,,comes ,,to ,,jesus                    
,,chapter ,,vi ,page #aae               
,,notes ,,on ,a ,,sainted ,,relative    
,,chapter ,,vii ,page #abi              
,,diversions ,,of ,,an ,,abandoned      
,,sinner            ,,chapter ,,viii    
,page #afh    ,,conclusions ,,of ,a     

,,man ,,gone ,,to ,,the ,,devil         
,,asbury _/ ,,up ,,from ,,methodism     
,,home ,,life ,,of ,a ,,boy ,,destined  
,,for ,,heaven      #a    ,on my        
father's side1 according to my family   
belief1 ,i am related  to ,cotton       
,mather2 on my mother's side to ,roger  
,williams4 ,my  great-great-uncle was   
,francis ,asbury1 the first ,bishop of  
the ,methodist  ,church to be ordained  
in ,america2 his elder half-brother was 
my  great-great-grandfather1 ,thomas    
,asbury1 who1 disowned by his father    
for various sins1 ran away from the     
family cottage in ,england and  went to 
sea4 ,later he kidnapped ,susan         
,jennings and married her1 and  then    
settled in ,virginia and so escaped the 
fate of the ,bishop1 who  doubtless went
 to the ,methodist ,heaven4    ,my      
great-grandfather was the ,rev4 ,daniel 
,asbury of ,fairfax ,county1 ,va41  an  
early pillar of ,methodism and one of   
the great organizers of the  ,church in 
the ,south4 ,when a young man he went to

 ,north ,carolina1 and  in #agia        
founded1 in ,lincoln ,county1 the first 
,methodist church west of  the ,catawba 
,river4 ,later he was a ,presiding      
,elder and labored valiantly  for the   
,wesleyan ,god4 ,when but a boy he was  
captured by the ,indians and  kept a    
prisoner for several years1 and is said 
to have converted the  entire tribe to  
,christianity4 ,throughout his whole    
life ,sunday was his  great day--he was 
born on ,sunday1 converted on ,sunday1  
captured by the  ,indians on ,sunday1   
released on ,sunday1 reached home on    
,sunday1 was  ordained as a minister on 
,sunday1 and on a ,sunday married ,nancy
 ,morris  in ,brunswick ,county1 ,va4   
,his first child was born on ,sunday and
 he died  on ,sunday4    ,my grandfather
 was the ,rev4 ,william ,asbury of      
,north ,carolina1 a local  preacher who1
 for some reason that ,i have never     
known1 quit raising  souls to ,heaven   
and moved over into ,mississippi1 where 
he had equally  poor success raising    

coons and cotton4 ,he married ,susan    
,lester ,marks1  member of an equally   
religious family4 ,several of his seven 
sons were  ,methodist preachers1 and my 
father1 too1 would have assumed the     
cloth  had not the ,civil ,war come     
along4 ,he enlisted in the ,confederate 
,army  and became an officer of         
infantry1 and infantrymen do not make   
good  preachers4 ,at the close of the   
,war he studied ,civil ,engineering and 
then moved to ,missouri1 and settled in 
,farmington1 where ,i was born4  ,he was
 county ,surveyor of my home county of  
,st4 ,francois for more  than thirty    
years1 and ,city ,clerk of ,farmington  
for twenty years4 ,the  exigencies of   
local politics compelled him to attend  
services and take  an active part in    
church work1 but ,i have no recollection
 of him as a  religious man1 although he
 imposed religion upon his home and     
impressed  upon his family the necessity
 of ,christian salvation4    ,i first   
suspected that he might not be as       

religious as reported when ,i  whacked  
him across the shins with a broomstick  
as he sat in the yard  one day nursing  
his rheumatism4 ,he did not turn the    
other shin4 ,this  was not long after we
 had moved from the cottage across the  
street  from the ,masonic and ,catholic 
cemeteries to our new house on the other
  side of the town1 near the mansions of
 our first families1 the ,webers  and   
the ,cayces4 ,curiously enough1 these   
graveyards were side by side1  although 
their occupants presumably went to      
different ,heavens4 ,there  was a high  
fence between them1 and it was not easy 
to dispose of the  border-line burial   
plots2 the ,protestants felt that a few 
,catholic  demons might be able to crawl
 through or under the fence1 and the    
,catholics did not wish to have their   
mortal remains so close to those  of    
such benighted heathen as the           
,methodists and the ,presbyterians4     
,my mother's people1 the ,prichards and 
the ,blues1 came originally from  ,north

 ,carolina1 ,georgia and ,tennessee1 and
 were for the most part  devout         
,baptists1 believing that in immersion  
alone was true salvation4  ,the strength
 of their religious convictions may be  
seen in the fact  that many of them     
never forgave my mother for marrying a  
,methodist  and transferring her letter 
to my father's ,church1 forsaking the   
austerities of her family faith4 ,they  
considered the ,methodists too  liberal6
 ,the true ,baptist of those days was in
 a constant emotional  upheaval2 his    
religion was a canker that ate deeper   
and deeper1 and he  was able to find no 
relief2 the more religious he became1   
the more  miserable he was4 ,on the     
other hand1 the ,methodist enjoyed      
terrific and  periodical emotional      
explosions1 and thereafter was generally
 able to  live for a few days in        
comparative calm4 ,but the ,baptist was 
wrapped  in gloom from the moment of his
 conversion until he was called home to 
,jesus4    ,when my mother's forbears   

came up from the ,south they settled    
within  a radius of twenty miles of     
,farmington1 many of them in the        
vicinity  of ,hazel ,run and ,french    
,village4 ,they were farmers1 with a    
sprinkling  of small storekeepers1      
preachers and country doctors4 ,my      
mother's  father1 ,joseph ,prichard1 was
 a farmer1 but he was very religious and
  was renowned throughout the           
countryside around ,french ,village for 
his  exploits as a faith healer2 he     
could cure toothache1 remove warts and  
stop the flow of blood4 ,his method was 
merely to say3 8,it will be gone  by the
 time you get home10 and generally it   
was4 ,he frequently removed  warts from 
my own hands2 at least they vanished    
within a reasonable  time after he had  
looked at them and pronounced his       
incantations1 and ,i  regarded him with 
awe4    ,there was a tradition in our   
family that my grandfather boasted      
,indian  blood in his veins1 and        
although ,i do not think it was true1 at

 the  time it gave me great pride and   
satisfaction2 it invested me with       
authority at such times as we played    
,indian and ,wild ,west games4 ,he  made
 a two-year trip overland to ,california
 during the #ahdi gold rush1  without   
conspicuous success1 and brought back   
with him the musket with  which we were 
given to understand he had slain        
innumerable ,indians4 ,two  or three    
times a year his children and his       
grandchildren1 a vast horde  all told1  
held family reunions at his ,french     
,village farm1 and the big  moment of   
the day came in the afternoon when all  
of the grandchildren  trooped into the  
woods behind the barn to watch ,grandpa 
kill a  squirrel4 ,we stood in a        
half-circle1 almost overcome by awe1    
while my  grandfather loaded his gun    
with great care1 pouring the correct    
amount  of powder from his powder horn  
and dumping the bullets from his pouch  
into the palm of his hand1 where he     
counted them carefully4 ,and then he    

killed the squirrel1 while we stood     
behind him and marveled4 ,he never      
failed2 he was an excellent rifle shot2 
in his ninety-first year1 three  years  
before he died1 he knocked a squirrel   
from a tree as easily as  ,davy         
,crockett could have done it4    ,as a  
young man in ,georgia and later in      
,missouri my grandfather ,prichard  was 
famous as a leader of ,baptist          
sing-songs4 ,his favorite hymn was      
8,the ,prodigal ,son10 which he was wont
 to bellow with fanatical fervor  as he 
sat bolt upright in an uncomfortable1   
straight-backed chair and  directed the 
singing with a stick4 ,he sang from an  
old hymn book which  had been in his    
family for many years1 a curious volume 
with the music  printed in square notes4
 ,many of the hymns expressed sentiments
 that  to-day1 even in religious        
circles1 would be considered obscene4 ,i
  recall one that said3 8,oh1 sinners6  
,my bowels do move with desire60    ,i  
was constantly under the influence of my

 mother's people1 who did  what they    
could to overcome the pernicious        
influence of the ,methodists2  they     
prevailed upon me to visit them and     
attend their revivals and  other        
religious meetings1 and otherwise       
attempted to oversee and assure  my     
eventual salvation4 ,some of my father's
 people1 too1 had come up  from the     
,south1 from ,virginia and ,north       
,carolina and ,mississippi1 and  had    
settled around ,farmington4 ,many of    
them were excessively pious1  although  
it is my recollection that they did not 
carry their love of  ,god and man into  
the conduct of their temporal affairs2  
religion was  not permitted to interfere
 with business4 ,between them and my    
mother's  people there was a constant1  
although not open1 fight for my soul1   
and  the souls of my sister and         
brothers4 ,the bout appears to have been
 a  draw4      #b    ,we were a musical 
family4 ,my elder brother and ,i played 
the harmonica1  or ,french harp1 as we  

called it then1 and my sister performed 
capably  upon the organ1 the guitar and 
the mandolin4 ,she was particularly     
adept upon the guitar1 and enjoyed an   
enviable reputation for the way  she    
whanged out the fandango pieces and the 
tune descriptive of the  ,battle of     
,sebastopol1 which requires much banging
 and thumping and  difficult fingering4 
,my father was a fiddler4 ,he did not   
know one note  from another1 but he     
could tuck his fiddle under his chin1   
tap the  floor with his foot and play   
with great spirit such tunes as         
8,fisher's  ,hornpipe10 8,billy in the  
,low ,ground10 8,turkey in the ,straw0  
and 8,the  ,arkansas ,traveler40 ,but   
his muse was dumb if he could not pat   
his foot4  ,i could also beat a snare   
drum passably1 and later ,i learned to  
play  the violin1 the cornet and the    
alto horn1 so that we had quite a family
  orchestra1 and our house was          
frequently filled with music4 ,anyhow we
  played these instruments4    ,but not 

on ,sunday4 ,our ,preacher assured us   
that music on ,sunday1 except  in       
church1 was sinful and an affront to the
 ,heavenly ,father1 and on  ,saturday   
night1 after a final orgy of melody1 my 
mother gathered up  the guitars and     
mandolins1 the fiddles1 the drums and   
the harmonicas  and all of the other    
musical instruments1 even the           
jew's-harp1 and  put them under lock and
 key until ,monday morning4 ,we could   
not even  play a comb on ,sunday1       
although on rare occasions1 usually when
 the  ,preacher was there and gave      
permission and absolution from sinful   
consequences1 ,i was permitted to bring 
out my big harmonica1 from  which ,i    
could produce the sonorous tones of an  
organ1 and play church  hymns such as   
8,rock of ,ages0 and 8,nearer1 ,my ,god1
 to ,thee40 ,but ,i was  forbidden to   
play 8,turkey in the ,straw0 or 8,the   
,mocking ,bird0 with  variations4 ,the  
latter was my favorite tune1 because by 
jiggling my  hand over the harmonica ,i 

could produce a very effective trill    
which ,i  fondly believed was as        
beautiful as the singing of a canary1   
but if ,i  launched into such a tune on 
,sunday ,i had debauched the ,sabbath1  
and my  harmonica was taken from me4    
,and frequently ,i myself was taken into
 the  woodshed and taught a proper      
respect for the ,lord's ,day4    ,under 
no circumstances could we play the      
fiddle in our house on  ,sunday1 because
 of all music1 that which came from the 
fiddle was the  most sinful4 ,it was the
 ,devil's instrument4 ,no fiddling on   
,sunday had  been a cardinal rule of my 
father's family since ,colonial days in 
,virginia1 and later in ,mississippi and
 in ,north ,carolina my grandmother  had
 compelled her ,negro slaves to put up  
their musical instruments  from         
,saturday night to ,monday morning4     
,eventually ,i took lessons  from the   
music teacher in ,farmington and learned
 to call the fiddle  a violin1 and as ,i
 grew older ,i played when ,i pleased1  

although not  very successfully4 ,but so
 long as the instrument remained a      
fiddle it  was played in our house on   
,sunday on only one occasion4 ,and then 
the  performance was a neighborhood     
scandal1 and only the fact that the     
instrument had been played by a         
,preacher saved us from getting into    
trouble with ,god and ,his              
representatives in ,farmington4    ,this
 tweaking of the heavenly nose occurred 
during a ,district  ,conference1 when   
the visiting preachers were parceled out
 among the  faithful of the local       
,methodist church4 ,two came to us1 one 
a young  man filled with good works and 
a constant1 fretful worry over the  low 
estate of the human race1 and the other 
an old man who had been  a wicked sinner
 in his time and who had never been able
 to resist an  occasional temptation to 
have a good time4 ,he was a ,virginian  
and an  accomplished fiddler1 but he    
could play nothing but dance music1     
which  the darkies had taught him4 ,the 

first ,sunday they were at our house my 
father admitted that we had a fiddle1   
and the old ,preacher demanded  that it 
be brought out for him to perform upon4 
,my father and mother  were in terror   
all afternoon for fear that the         
neighbors would hear  the wailing of the
 fiddle1 although they prevailed upon   
the old man to  use a mute and the music
 could hardly be heard outside the room4
 ,we  were particularly afraid that a   
devout ,sister1 who lived next door to  
us and whose principal occupation was   
going to church1 might hear it2  if she 
had it would have been nothing short of 
a catastrophe1 for the  tale would have 
been all over town before nightfall4 ,so
 we closed the  windows and the doors1  
muted the fiddle and put the old        
,preacher in  the parlor1 where he      
fiddled until he had sinned enough4 ,but
 even then  several people passing along
 the street heard it1 and ,i do not     
think  that we ever quite lived it down4
 ,we could convince no one that the     

fiddle had been played by a ,man of     
,god4 ,everyone knew better2 ,men of    
,god did not do such things4      #c    
,every ,wednesday night we attended     
prayer meeting1 and on ,sundays we  went
 to ,sunday school and twice to church4 
,and on ,sunday afternoon1  and on week 
days1 there were the sessions of the    
various church  organizations4 ,we had  
grace before meat in our home1 and when 
the  ,preacher came to dinner he        
delivered long-winded prayers on the    
universal theme of 8gimme40 ,we did not 
have that emotional orgy called  family 
prayer1 but ,i did not escape it2 ,i    
encountered it in many  ,farmington     
homes and in the houses of almost all of
 my relatives4    ,it was particularly  
oppressive in the home of an            
oppressively devout  kinsman whom ,i    
called uncle4 ,he was not actually my   
uncle2 he was  related to my father by  
marriage1 and ,i do not believe there   
was any  blood kinship1 but ,i thought  
of him as uncle1 and he had a certain   

measure of authority over me1 so that to
 a considerable extent ,i  was under his
 control and subject to his influence   
until ,i became  intelligent enough to  
have an occasional thought of my own4   
,my uncle was an extraordinarily pious  
man1 an official of our church  and of  
our ,sunday school1 and a leader in     
every movement designed  to entice the  
sinner from his wicked ways and lead him
 to the true  religion of the           
,wesleyans4 ,he was intent upon         
salvation for everyone1  and let no     
opportunity pass to serve the ,lord4 ,he
 frowned upon  laughter1 and although he
 had a very charming family1 there was  
little  joy in his home2 a laugh seemed 
to make him uncomfortable and start a   
train of dismal religious thought1 and  
,i gathered the impression that  all    
mirth was a direct and studied affront  
to ,god4    ,every night after dinner1  
or supper1 as we called it then1 his    
living  room was given over to family   
prayer4 ,i frequently spent the night   

with  his youngest son1 my chum for many
 years1 and was compelled to attend     
with the others and absorb my nightly   
dose of religion1 and listen to  a      
solemn account of the fearful things    
that ,god would do to us if we  strayed 
from the path of righteousness4 ,there  
was no laughter1 and  there were no     
jokes2 the whole atmosphere of the house
 turned gray  and gloomily oppressive   
when my uncle rose from his seat1       
glanced  sorrowfully at his family1 and 
announced3    8,we will now have        
prayers40    ,he turned and with bowed  
head passed into the living room4 ,we   
sat at  the supper table for a moment in
 silence1 myself seeing goblins and     
fearsome avenging creatures of ,god     
leering at me from every shaded  corner 
of the room1 and my mind racing madly   
over the day's activities  to discover  
what ,i had done that required an alibi4
 ,in a few moments  my aunt arose and   
went slowly into the other room1 and    
then one by one  the others4 ,we marched

 solemnly1 with downcast eyes2 we might 
have  been going to a funeral4 ,indeed1 
it seems to me now that we must in      
truth have been going to a funeral2 here
 was a fine house built for the  warmth 
of human happiness1 turned into a       
forbidding mausoleum by the  mere       
mention of ,god4    ,in the living room 
,uncle awaited us1 standing beside the  
small table  on which1 always1 there was
 nothing but the ,family ,bible4 ,he    
waited  in silence until we had taken   
our places1 and then he laid reverent   
hands upon the ,book and began fumbling 
with the pages1 glancing sharply  over  
his spectacles to make sure that        
everyone was undergoing some  sort of   
emotional upheaval1 and looking         
particularly for some sign of  revolt   
from his son and myself4 ,i doubt if he 
ever knew it1 but when ,i  attended     
family prayer in his house ,i did not   
think of revolt4 ,i was in  an agony of 
fright2 ,i felt as if something was     
crushing me1 and that  something was my 

uncle's ,god1 an avenging monster ready 
to devour me  for my sins4 ,god was in  
the house and ,i was afraid4    ,the    
most uncomfortable chairs in the house  
were used for family prayer1  and we    
perched upon their edges1 afraid to sink
 back and relax1 because  we had been   
told many times that discomfort and     
righteousness were  well-nigh           
synonymous4 ,god would have been        
scandalized and indignant  had we made  
ourselves comfortable to listen to ,his 
,word4 ,and then my  uncle read from the
 ,bible4 ,he read without joy2 he held  
in his hand  the ,book which in his eyes
 was the sole hope of humanity1 the     
,book  that contained the glad news that
 for all mankind there was salvation1   
but he read it as if it were a sentence 
of death1 slowly and solemnly1  dwelling
 with horrible clarity upon those       
phrases that promised  punishment4 ,the 
,bible seemed to have no effect upon him
 but to make him  gloomy and miserable4 
,at the conclusion of his reading1 he   

slowly closed the ,bible and placed  it 
upon the table4 ,he then stood for a    
moment in profound thought1  his chin   
resting upon his breast4 ,i assumed that
 he was overcome by  contemplation of   
the sins of a wicked world4 ,those of us
 who were young  began about this time  
to itch with that devilish itch which   
invariably  afflicts a youngster when   
there is a penalty for scratching4 ,we  
itched  and itched1 but we were afraid  
to scratch because ,god was in the room1
  and we knew as well as we knew        
anything that ,he would punish us if we 
moved4 ,and finally my uncle stared at  
the ceiling and said3    8,let us pray40
    ,with almost the precision of       
automata we knelt by our chairs1 our    
knees  grinding into the hard carpet1   
while my uncle's voice soared in a      
sonorous appeal to the ,lord to give us 
some of this and some of that1  to bless
 us and make us prosperous1 and1 in     
effect1 to hell with such  infidels as  
,jews1 ,catholics and ,presbyterians4   

,and then he rose slowly  to his feet   
and passed from the room1 without       
speaking4 ,we followed1  and scattered  
about our various affairs1 but it was a 
long time before  we could shake off the
 effects of the religious debauch and   
play with  any zest4 ,and nearly always 
,i awoke some hours later in the throes 
of  a nightmare1 pursued by fiends and  
demons shrieking that ,i was to be      
boiled and fried and cooked in the fires
 of ,hell4    ,every night year after   
year this sort of thing went on in      
houses all  over ,farmington1 and for   
that matter all over the ,united        
,states4 ,it  would be interesting to   
know how many hours were wasted in the  
course  of a year by such senseless     
appeals to the ,heavenly ,father1 by    
this  constant reiteration of 8gimme1   
gimme1 gimme40      #d    ,many of my   
relatives on my mother's side attended  
,colony ,church1  about three miles from
 ,farmington4 ,this was a hard-shell    
,baptist  congregation1 the members of  

which took their religion with the      
utmost  seriousness and were constantly 
on the lookout for sin to rear its      
reptile head4 ,if it did they assailed  
it with glad cries4 ,there was  no organ
 in this church2 indeed1 for many years 
none of the ,baptist  churches in and   
about ,farmington would permit any sort 
of music at  their services1 holding    
that music was an invention of the      
,devil  designed to entice ,christians  
from respectful contemplation of the    
mercies and graces of the ,lord1 and    
that no devout ,christian could hear    
music and still keep his mind on ,god   
and his heart true to the faith4  ,their
 attitude toward the organ was exactly  
that of the good ,sister of  whom ,will 
,carleton sang in his ,farm ballads3    
,i've been a ,sister good and true      
,for five and thirty year2    ,i've done
 what seemed my part to do1      ,and   
prayed my duty clear4    ,but death will
 stop my voice1 ,i know1      ,for he is
 on my track2    ,and some day ,i to    

church will go1      ,and nevermore come
 back4    ,and when the folks get up to 
sing1      ,whene'er that time shall    
be--    ,i do not want no patent thing1 
,a-squealin' over me4    ,in later      
years1 of course1 the ,baptists became  
almost civilized and  most of their     
churches bought organs2 in some there   
were even pianos4  ,but in few of the   
churches of the ,farmington countryside1
 in my  early youth1 was there more     
fervent religion on tap than at ,colony 
,church4 ,there were frequent revivals1 
and many basket dinners1 when  the farm 
women brought huge quantities of food to
 the church early  in the morning1 and  
all day long the congregation gave      
itself up to  an orgy of eating and     
saving souls4 ,at most of these revivals
 there  were foot-washings2 they were   
usually announced at the morning service
  for the afternoon1 and then there was 
a great scurrying home or to  the       
nearest creek1 or crick1 as it was      
generally called1 where the  feet were  

washed vigorously with soap and made    
presentable for public  exposure in the 
aisles and around the pulpit of the     
church4    ,one of the most famous of   
the ,colony ,church foot-washings1 one  
that  is still talked about when the    
good ,brothers and ,sisters get together
  in that neighborhood1 ended the enmity
 of a widow1 ,sister ,letts1 and  a     
lawyer whose name ,i do not recall4 ,for
 years there had been great  bitterness 
between them1 and although the          
congregation had prayed for  them and   
had exhorted them to forgive1 the ,lord 
had not entered their  hearts1 and so   
they continued to treasure their hate4  
,but at length1 on  a ,sunday morning   
during a revival1 the preacher announced
 that there  would be a foot-washing    
that afternoon1 and the ,brother rose   
and spoke3    8,i have opened my heart  
to ,god10 he said1 8and ,he has         
instructed me to  forgive ,sister       
,letts4 ,this afternoon ,i shall wash   
her feet40    ,there was a murmur of    

enthusiasm all over the church1 and one 
leather-lunged ,brother popped to his   
feet and shouted3 8,amen1 ,brother6     
,glory to ,god60 ,and then ,sister      
,letts bounced to her feet and cried    
that  she1 too1 praised the ,lord and   
would wash the feet of the ,brother4    
,that afternoon the church was crowded4 
,almost every family of the  countryside
 was on hand to see ,god end this bitter
 quarrel which had  come so near to     
disrupting the congregation4 ,the       
service proceeded as  usual1 opening    
with some such catchy hymn as 8,bringing
 in the ,sheaves10  and then through the
 sermon to the slow1 solemn songs like  
8,how ,firm a  ,foundation0 and         
8,nearer1 ,my ,god1 to ,thee40 ,then    
came the foot-washing1  when the        
,brothers and ,sisters proved their     
humility and showed that  when it came  
right down to brass tacks they were no  
better than ,jesus  ,christ4 ,it was    
felt that the legal ,brother and ,sister
 ,letts should  have the honor thus to  

show off first before ,god1 and so for a
 little  while no one moved when the    
,preacher announced that the time had   
come1  and that basins of water and     
towels would be provided4    ,but at    
length the ,brother got to his feet and 
marched stiffly down the  aisle to the  
pulpit1 where he procured a pan and a   
towel4 ,with these  in hand he paraded  
back up the aisle toward the last row1  
where ,sister  ,letts rocked back and   
forth and murmured in ecstasy3          
8,praise the ,lord1 ,brother6 ,praise   
the ,lord60    ,moving slowly to a      
chorus of amens and unintelligible      
mumblings of  piety1 the ,brother was   
some distance up the aisle when ,sister 
,letts  started to meet him4 ,halfway   
between the back door and the pulpit    
they  stopped1 facing each other4 ,and  
then a new difficulty arose4 ,they had  
by now thoroughly given themselves to   
,god and were suffused with a  wonderful
 glow of self-appreciation at this proof
 of their humility1  but each wanted to 

prove it first4 ,each appeared to feel  
that the one  who first washed a foot   
would receive the greater amount of     
kudos from  the ,lord4    ,so they began
 to argue1 and the heat of the          
discussion spread all over  the         
congregation1 and here and there        
,brothers and ,sisters became so  upset 
by the spirit that they jumped to their 
feet and began shouting  loudly1        
bouncing up and down and flinging their 
arms about4 ,my sister1  a small child1 
was practically overcome by curiosity1  
and added to the  excitement by leaning 
too far from her seat and falling into  
the aisle1  so eager was she to see the 
ceremony4 ,she was promptly spanked and 
put  back in place by my ,aunt ,ophelia1
 and several devout persons near her    
intimated strongly that she was a       
sinful1 blasphemous little wretch4      
,it seemed for a time that there would  
be a deadlock1 as neither ,sister       
,letts nor the ,brother was willing to  
give in4 ,so the congregation sang  a   

hymn while they stood staring at each   
other1 and then the ,preacher  prayed to
 the ,lord to make a decision as to who 
should wash whose feet  first4 ,and     
apparently ,god said ,eeney ,meeney     
,miney ,mo and picked ,sister  ,letts to
 be ,it1 for the ,brother suddenly      
surrendered and sat in a  chair which   
had been pushed into the aisle for him4 
,he bared his foot1  and ,sister ,letts 
dropped to her knees and poked it into  
the basin of  water4 ,i do not know if  
the ,brother wriggled his toes4 ,having 
laved  him1 ,sister ,letts plied her    
towel vigorously to a groaning chorus of
  8,amen60 that arose from all parts of 
the church1 and then she sat in  the    
chair and removed her shoe and stocking 
and the ,brother performed  the         
ceremony4 ,the congregation1 everyone   
filled to the bursting point  with      
emotion1 then stood and sang quaveringly
 8,how ,firm a ,foundation40  ,sister   
,letts and the ,brother returned to     
their seats4 ,it was generally  agreed  

that by washing each other's feet they  
had practically assured  themselves     
choice seats in ,heaven4      #e    ,i  
was fallow ground for all these seeds of
 piety1 for ,i was a highly  emotional  
and excitable boy4 ,i wept when ,i heard
 slow music1 ,i shivered  with fear over
 the ghost stories and the frightful    
tales of ,hell that  were told to me    
with such regularity1 and it was usually
 ,i who saw the  spooks when we played  
or hunted for bumblebees among the tombs
 of the  ,masonic cemetery4 ,there is no
 telling what ,i might have seen had ,i 
ever  been able to summon sufficient    
courage to enter the ,catholic cemetery 
at night4 ,i did go as far as just      
inside the gate once1 and immediately   
there arose in front of me an apparition
 that to my mind could be  nothing less 
than the ,devil himself4 ,and this was  
not surprising1 for ,i  well knew that  
the ,catholics were worshipers of a     
false ,god1 and it was  quite likely    
that their graveyard was the abode of   

evil spirits4    ,because of my         
temperament1 which impelled me to       
believe everything  ,i was told1 and    
because from time to time ,i had shown  
indications  of being a bad boy if      
restraint were not exercised1 ,i        
received more  religious instruction    
than my sister or my brothers4 ,again1  
there was  the matter of ancestry4 ,our 
family connections1 especially my       
father's  people1 were very proud of our
 relationship to the ,bishop and our    
direct descent from the ,rev4 ,daniel   
,asbury1 and they settled on me to      
carry on the family tradition4 ,there   
was much talk of sending me to a        
theological school1 and ,i appeared to  
be destined for the ,church1 so  that ,i
 was always waiting for the call to     
preach1 though conscious of a  vague    
hope that it would be delayed4    ,but  
,i had no idea that ,i should escape    
such a fate1 for ,i accepted as a  basic
 fact of life that in every generation  
at least one ,asbury should  be a       

,methodist preacher4 ,wherever ,i went  
,i encountered the assumption  that ,i  
was to succeed the ,bishop and the      
,presiding ,elder1 and become a         
,methodist ,messiah howling in the      
wilderness of sin and shoving souls     
into the heavenly hoppers with both     
hands4 ,everyone seemed to take it  for 
granted1 and when ,i talked to a        
stranger he invariably said3    8,well1 
well6 ,so your name is ,asbury80        
8,yes1 sir40    8,kin to the ,bishop80  
8,yes1 sir40    8,well1 well6 ,i suppose
 you will be a preacher1 too80    8,yes1
 sir4 ,i guess so40    ,if the person to
 whom ,i talked was himself a ,preacher1
 or a ,brother1 he  would smile gently1 
pat my head with a moist palm and say3  
8,god bless  you1 my boy10 and pad on   
down the street4 ,i can recall but one  
person  who did not make some such      
senseless remark4 ,he was a hardware    
drummer  from ,st4 ,louis1 a fat1       
waggish person in flashy raiment1       
doubtless a  sinner1 who stopped me as  

,i marched proudly past ,doss's barber  
shop  carrying a string of fish1 one of 
which was as large a bass as was  ever  
taken out of the ,st4 ,francis ,river4  
,he tried to buy the big fish1  and when
 ,i refused to sell he asked me my name 
and the inevitable  conversation        
followed4 ,but when ,i said to him3     
8,yes1 sir1 ,i guess so10  he wrinkled  
his nose and said3 8,don't be a damned  
fool1 kid40    ,i felt a sudden rush of 
affection for this outspoken person1    
although ,i  shuddered at the thought of
 what would happen to him if a ,preacher
 or  a ,brother heard him using         
profanity and told ,god about it4 ,i    
proffered  him one of my string1 a fine 
crappie1 which he accepted gratefully   
and on which he feasted later at the    
,st4 ,francis ,hotel4 ,later in the     
evening ,i met him as he swung blithely 
through the doors of ,perringer's       
,saloon1 and he jovially invited me in  
to have a glass of beer4 ,i  thought he 
must be crazy2 ,i would no more have    

entered a saloon then  than ,i would    
have committed mayhem upon the          
,preacher4 ,in later life1 of  course1  
,i did enter saloons1 but have never    
been able to bring myself  to bite a    
preacher1 although at times ,i have been
 sorely tempted4 ,but  it was a long    
time before ,i understood what the      
drummer meant when he  said1 as we      
parted3    8,well1 look out1 kid1 and   
don't let them put that ,bishop stuff   
over on  you40          ,,the           
,,machinery ,,of ,,salvation            
,farmington was about eight or ten miles
 from the lead-mining district  of      
,southeast ,missouri1 where a great     
number of low foreigners were  employed1
 but ,god did not permit any ore to be  
found near us and so  kept our town holy
 and undefiled by their presence4 ,we   
did not greatly  concern ourselves with 
their evil ways1 because we knew that   
foreigners  were little if any better   
than the beasts of the field1 and that  
,god had put them on earth for some     

inscrutable purpose of ,his own1  with  
which we were not to meddle4 ,even the  
,preachers and the amateur              
devil-chasers in such towns as ,flat    
,river and ,bonne ,terre devoted their  
activities principally to spreading the 
,gospel among the home-bred and  let the
 ,hunkies carry on whatever nefarious   
practices pleased them  best4 ,we didn't
 want them in our ,heaven1 anyhow4      
,our town nestled in the foothills of   
the ,ozarks1 some eighty-six miles  from
 ,st4 ,louis and two miles from the ,de 
,lassus station on the ,belmont  branch 
of the ,iron ,mountain ,railroad4 ,but  
the civilizing influences of  the city  
seldom touched any of us except a few   
wealthy families who  could afford the  
railroad fare for frequent trips4 ,we   
had then some  #b1ejj inhabitants1 the  
vast majority of whom were devout       
workers for  the ,protestant ,god1      
especially on ,sunday4 ,during the week 
many of them  put sand in the sugar and 
weighed their thumbs with the sausage1  

and  otherwise engaged in legitimate and
 profitable business enterprise1 but  on
 ,sunday they praised the ,lord4        
,there were but two or three ,jewish    
families in town then1 and ,i do not    
recall that they ever attempted to      
practice their religion2 certainly  not 
in public4 ,doubtless our ,god would    
have destroyed them if they had  thus   
flaunted their sin in our faces1 and    
mocked us with their heathen  rites4 ,it
 is my recollection that they attended  
the ,presbyterian  church1 but if so it 
was for business or social reasons4 ,the
 ,catholics  had a church1 but they were
 not numerically strong1 and did not    
amount to a great deal in the town's    
scheme of things1 although they         
occasionally captured a city office or  
did a bit of proselyting among  the     
backsliders of the ,protestant          
congregations4 ,they labored earnestly  
one whole summer trying to ensnare my   
sister after her allegiance to  the     
,methodist ,father had wavered1 but they

 were unsuccessful4 ,she could  not     
swallow the ,pope1 or the holy images   
and the like4 ,nor could she  learn to  
cross herself properly1 although ,i     
became much interested  and helped her2 
we used to go behind the barn and       
practice in all  seriousness1 but we    
invariably found ourselves giggling at  
the rite4  ,and few things can destroy  
religion quicker than a hearty giggle4  
,the ,protestants of ,farmington made   
little if any effort to induce the      
,catholics to abandon their debaucheries
 and embrace the true religion2         
generally we considered them benighted  
heathens and crazy people and  let it go
 at that1 confident that in due time    
,god would blast them with  ,his wrath1 
destroy their churches and perhaps send 
their young women to  ,heaven to be     
virgin angels in a ,protestant paradise4
 ,i was very eager  to see this         
wholesale destruction1 and waited       
patiently for many years1  hoping that  
,god would furnish advance information  

to ,his intimate1  our ,methodist       
pastor1 so we would be able to view the 
performance4 ,i  strongly favored an    
earthquake and a bolt of lightning1 as  
being more  spectacular4 ,but ,i am     
sorry to say that nothing ever happened1
 although  one night lightning struck   
the steeple of the ,catholic church and 
there  was some talk about town that    
,god was limbering up ,his muscles and  
getting ready to show what ,he could    
really do4    ,some of our most advanced
 thinkers conceded that perhaps the     
,catholics  and the few nondescripts who
 professed religion for the sake of     
business but who would not attend       
church1 had their own ,god1 quite       
different from ours and unquestionably a
 very inferior ,deity4 ,but  people who 
held this view were considered entirely 
too charitable2 it  was all right to    
admit that ,god might1 in the fullness  
of time1 and  out of that loving mercy  
which keeps half the world constantly at
 the  throats of the other half1 relent 

and permit a few ,catholics to enter    
,heaven as low menials1 but to say that 
they might have a ,heaven of  their own 
was going a bit too far4 ,both socially 
and spiritually they  were on the other 
side of the railroad tracks4 ,they were 
simply not  in our set1 and when any of 
them attended our parties1 as sometimes 
happened despite every precaution1 it   
was a matter of very great  concern4    
,things may be different now1 but when  
,i was a boy cringing  before the       
threatening lash of the ,methodist ,god1
 there was grave doubt  that anyone who 
lived south of the ,post ,office would  
ever amount to  anything spiritually4   
,all of the reigning sects of the       
,protestants had churches in our  town4 
,there was also a ,lutheran ,church     
somewhere down by ,schramm's  ,ice      
,plant1 but its congregation was made up
 of ,germans and what not1  who ranked  
scarcely higher than the ,catholics and 
the ,jews4 ,for some  time during my    
final year in high school ,i was        

devotedly attached to a  young ,lutheran
 girl1 and this attachment was the cause
 of considerable  concern among some of 
my relatives4 ,it was1 then1 my         
intention to marry  her1 although ,i    
quickly abandoned it after ,i had       
tentatively broached  the matter to one 
of my aunts4    8,she is not a          
,christian girl10 my aunt protested4    
8,she is a ,lutheran10 ,i said4 8,they  
are ,protestants40    8,but some of     
their services are in ,german6 ,how can 
they be ,christians80    ,she was       
perfectly sincere4 ,she believed firmly 
that ,god understood  no language but   
,english1 and that1 having no knowledge 
of ,german1 ,he  could not look with    
favor upon a ,lutheran4 ,but it         
developed that this  particular         
,lutheran could not look with favor upon
 a ,methodist1 which  was probably an   
insult to our ,methodist ,god4 ,it was a
 great many years  before ,i overcame my
 surprise that ,god did not do something
 about it1  yet ,he seems to have done  

nothing but make her happy and her      
husband  prosperous4    ,most of the    
churches in our town were on ,columbia  
,street1 the  principal thoroughfare1   
and they and their subsidiary schools   
were  so numerous that we proudly called
 ,farmington 8,the ,city of ,schools    
and ,churches10 and enjoyed great renown
 throughout ,southeast ,missouri  for   
municipal piety and ,christian          
education4 ,on this street worshiped    
the ,presbyterians1 the ,southern       
,methodists--this was the church of  the
 ,asburys and enjoyed special favors    
from the ,lord--the ,northern           
,methodists1 and the ,christians or     
,campbellites4 ,the ,baptists had a     
church in another part of town1 in      
,doss's ,addition4 ,each of these       
churches had a great many interlocking  
organizations1 including ,home          
,missionary ,societies1 ,foreign        
,missionary ,societies1 ,ladies' ,aid   
,societies and other holy groups4       
,the ,ladies' ,aid ,societies of the    

,middle ,west have become famous1 and   
they deserve their renown4 ,when ,i was 
a boy they were in truth most  noble    
organizations4 ,they rotated their      
meetings at the homes of the  members1  
performing at each house about once     
every two weeks1 according  to the      
number of women who belonged4 ,their    
sessions were excessively               
sanctimonious2 they opened and closed   
with prayer1 and frequently some  good  
,sister would at other times feel the   
spirit of the ,lord working  within her1
 and she would pop up from the quilting 
frame or the shirt  on which she was    
sewing for the heathen and yelp an      
appeal to ,god to  give her something or
 damn somebody4 ,there were also        
,bible-readings  at these meetings2 in  
fact every time a member of our church  
called  on another member1 a verse from 
the ,bible was read and a prayer was    
offered4 ,and curiously enough these    
devout ,christian ,sisters displayed  a 
greater liking for the books of the ,old

 ,testament than for those of  the ,new4
    ,in all of our congregations there  
were many special societies for young   
people1 to which the children of the    
godly had to belong and whose  meetings 
they had to attend4 ,their number was   
great1 and the majority  of their titles
 escape me1 but ,i recall such outfits  
as the ,christian  ,endeavor1 the ,loyal
 ,temperance ,legion1 the ,epworth      
,league1 the ,baptist  ,young ,people's 
,union1 and the ,sunshine ,brigade4 ,the
 ,legion was a union  organization of   
juvenile foes of rum1 and we used to    
meet on ,sunday  afternoons in the      
,presbyterian or ,southern ,methodist   
church and hear  lectures on the evils  
of drink1 after which we would stand1   
raise our  right hands and shout in     
unison3                    ,we hate     
,rum6                  ,we hate ,rum6   
,we hate ,rum6    ,our bodies will never
 be ravaged by drink6    ,the ,sunshine 
,brigade was another union organization1
 in which all of  the churches combined1

 and was composed of boys from eight to 
twelve  or thirteen years of age4 ,we   
met two or three times a week1 in the   
evening after supper1 generally on the  
spacious lawn of ,merrifield  ,huff1 the
 lawyer1 and first we heard a           
,bible-reading and a prayer4 ,then  we  
drilled1 in military fashion1 under the 
command of older boys who  had been away
 to military schools4 ,then there were  
more verses from the  ,bible1 another   
prayer1 and we were sent home with      
unctuous commands to  be good boys and  
think often of the mercy of the ,lord4  
,they called us  8,little ,soldiers of  
the ,lord10 and 8,our ,group of ,manly  
,little ,fellows40  ,there was nothing  
we could do about it4    ,the activities
 of the ,epworth ,league and the        
,baptist ,young ,people's  ,union are   
too well known to require comment2 they 
persist to this  day1 and there seems to
 be no likelihood that the present      
generation  will make an intellectual   
advance sufficient to laugh them out of 

existence4 ,fortunately ,farmington was 
spared the ,young ,men's ,christian     
,association1 and ,i had no contacts    
with that remarkable agency of          
salvation until ,i went to ,france with 
the ,american ,army4 ,of my many        
encounters with the ,y4 ,m4 ,c4 ,a4     
abroad1 two stand out in my memory4     
,one occurred when ,i wanted a          
toothbrush1 while in command of a       
platoon  of infantry in the support line
 on the ,vesle river front1 between     
,fismes and ,bazoches4 ,i walked the    
eight miles or so back to division      
headquarters with a five-franc note in  
my pocket1 all the money ,i had  in the 
world4    ,the ,y4 ,m4 ,c4 ,a4 canteen  
was open there1 and after the secretary 
in  charge had greeted me sweetly as    
,brother and inquired after the         
condition of my immortal soul1 he       
produced a toothbrush1 for which he     
wanted two francs1 then about forty     
cents4 ,i said ,i would buy it1 there   
being no ,red ,cross hut near where ,i  

could have got one for nothing1 and     
laid down my five-franc note4 ,but the  
,y4 ,m4 ,c4 ,a4 man could not change    
it1 nor could we find anybody else      
around headquarters who could do so4    
,the ,y man said that he could not let  
me have the toothbrush without  payment 
and put it back in the case1 and ,i     
walked the eight miles back  to my      
command without it1 rejecting his offer 
of a free pocket ,bible  with the       
observation that the line was one hell  
of a place for a ,bible4    ,the second 
encounter with the ,y4 ,m4 ,c4 ,a4      
occurred a week or so  later1 at ,la    
,pres ,farm1 on the same front and on   
the road between  ,mont ,st4 ,martin and
 ,chery ,chartreuve4 ,i had about two   
hundred sick  and flat-footed           
infantrymen there1 waiting for gas masks
 and other  equipment so they could be  
moved to the front1 and they had nothing
 to  smoke4 ,neither did they have any  
money1 because they had not been paid   
for months4 ,to the farm came a ,y4 ,m4 

,c4 ,a4 man laden with boxes1 and  when 
,i asked him what they were1 he said    
cigars4 ,he showed them to my  platoon  
sergeant and myself2 they were fine1    
fat1 handsome smokes4    ,i suggested   
that he lay out his stock1 and that ,i  
would have the  sergeant march the      
troops past in columns of twos1 so that 
each man  could have a cigar4           
8,that's fine10 said the ,y man1        
8they're fifteen-cent cigars1 but the   
boys can have them for ten cents40    ,i
 told him that to my knowledge there was
 not ten cents in the whole  outfit1 and
 suggested that he give the cigars to   
the soldiers and look  to ,heaven for   
payment4 ,but he would not2 he said that
 he had brought  the cigars to the line 
to sell and that he had to have the     
money for  them4 ,so ,i did the thing   
that seemed best under the              
circumstances4 ,i  took his cigars away 
from him1 the sergeant headed him for   
,division  ,headquarters1 and ,i kicked 
him as hard as ,i could in the pants4   

,the  last ,i saw of him1 he was        
stumbling down the hill toward the      
crossroad  vowing vengeance4 ,but ,i    
paid little attention to him2 ,i was    
busy  handing out free cigars1 and a few
 minutes later everybody at the farm    
was puffing happily4    ,we had also in 
,farmington three denominational        
schools1 ,elmwood  ,seminary1 a girl's  
college with primary and grammar        
departments for  both sexes1 operated by
 the ,presbyterians across the street   
from their  church2 ,carleton ,college  
in the lower end of the town1 a         
,northern  ,methodist institution1 and  
,baptist ,college1 near the ,baptist    
church4  ,carleton and ,baptist were    
coeducational4 ,i was educated--,god    
save the  mark6--at ,elmwood and        
,carleton1 and at both there was much   
emphasis  on religious teaching4        
,carleton1 of course1 since it was run  
by the  ,northern ,methodists1 was      
frankly a mill for grinding out workers 
for  the ,lord1 and they poured out of  

the hopper in large numbers for  many   
years4 ,gawky country boys came from the
 farms around ,bull ,run1  ,hazel ,run  
and ,french ,village1 and down-state    
toward ,libertyville and                
,fredericktown1 and entered ,carleton   
,college1 to emerge a few years  later  
rip-snorting evangelists hot on the     
trail of the ,devil4 ,those  who did not
 become professional ,satan-chasers     
developed1 in the course  of time1 into 
pussyfooting ,brothers with keen ears   
for scandal1 gimlet  eyes for boring    
searchingly and suspiciously into all   
amusement and  pleasure1 and wagging    
tongues for scattering seeds of         
holiness4 ,and  ,god made their teeth   
very sharp1 for backbiting4             
,curiously enough1 the ,presbyterians in
 ,farmington comprised the liberal      
element1 in so far as we had a liberal  
element4 ,this was because our  wealthy 
families1 or at least our social        
leaders1 were apparently  ,episcopalians
 at heart and perhaps belonged to the   

,presbyterian  congregation only because
 we had no ,episcopal church4 ,they were
 able to  go to ,st4 ,louis frequently1 
and did1 and consequently acquired a bit
 of  metropolitan polish1 and rubbed off
 some of our small-town intolerance  and
 roughness4 ,from time to time rumors   
were afloat that some of these  people  
had been seen entering ,episcopal       
churches in ,st4 ,louis1 but ,i  have   
never heard that they were verified4    
,but for many years this element had a  
virtual monopoly of such sinful         
practices as playing cards1 dancing and 
buggy-riding on the ,sabbath4  ,i have  
heard several ,brothers and ,sisters1   
and more than one doleful  and sorrowing
 ,preacher1 speak regretfully of the    
unholy spectacle of a  young man of one 
of these families driving a spanking    
pair through the  heart of the town on  
,sunday afternoon1 with an abandoned    
young woman  beside him and neither     
apparently caring one single damn about 
the fate  of religion4 ,it was          

prophesied that they could come to no   
good end4 ,but  the germ they planted   
multiplied enormously4          ,,taboos
 ,,of ,,the ,,lord',s ,,day      #a     
,sunday should be a day of gladness1 and
 of light and beauty1 for it  is then   
that the forthright religionist is      
closest to his ,god1 and  when he is1 if
 ever1 in communion with the ,holy      
,spirit and presumably  receives        
instruction with which to confound the  
wicked during the  ensuing week4 ,but in
 small communities which suffer from the
 blight of  religion it never is1 and   
when ,i was a boy in ,farmington ,sunday
 was a  day of dreadful gloom2 over     
everything hung an atmosphere of morbid 
fear and dejection4 ,in the morning the 
whole town donned its ,sunday  suit1    
almost always black and funereal and    
depressing1 and therefore  becoming to  
religious practice1 and trudged         
sorrowfully and solemnly  to ,sunday    
,school and to church1 there to wail    
doleful hymns and hear  an unlearned man

 8measure with words the immeasurable   
and sink the  string of thought into the
 fathomless20 and beseech the ,lord upon
  the universal prayer theme of 8gimme40
 ,then the village marched1 in  mournful
 cadence1 back home for ,sunday dinner4 
,but before the meal was  eaten the     
juvenile members of the religious       
household were commanded  to remove     
their sabbath raiment1 and were not     
again permitted to  assume the          
habiliments of the godly until after    
supper1 when the family  clutched its   
,bibles and wandered forth despairingly 
to evening service4    ,these           
excursions1 with attendance upon the    
various meetings of  the young people's 
societies and other church              
organizations1  comprised almost the sum
 total of the ,sunday activity of our   
town's  inhabitants4 ,in recent years   
the young folks there appear to have    
gone  wholeheartedly to the ,devil1 and 
are gallivanting about the country in   
automobiles1 listening to radios1       

dancing1 attending baseball games on    
the ,sabbath and otherwise disporting   
themselves in a sinful manner1 but  in  
my youth we had to observe a very       
definite list of ,sunday taboos1 in     
addition to the special don'ts laid down
 by the more devout families1  according
 to their fear of ,god and the fervor of
 their belief4    ,we could not play    
card games on ,sunday4 ,regulation      
playing cards  of course1 were taboo at 
all times in the best and most religious
  families1 for ,god1 we were told1 had 
informed the ,preacher that cards  were 
an invention of the ,devil1 designed to 
lure true believers into  sin2 but on   
,sunday we could not even play such     
games as ,lotto1 ,old  ,maid and        
,authors4 ,on week days these were      
considered very amusing and  instructive
 pastimes1 although in some quarters it 
was felt that they  caused too much     
laughter1 but if anyone so much as      
thought of them on  ,sunday he was      
headed for ,hell4    ,the taboo against 

drinking was in effect every day in the 
week for  the godly and their children1 
not on account of the possible harmful  
physical effects of liquor1 but because 
,god objected4 ,and even the  ,town ,sot
 hesitated to take a drink on ,sunday1  
for he knew that every  ,preacher and   
every ,brother and ,sister would be     
howling to ,god to damn  his immortal   
soul and make a horrible example out of 
him4 ,and how they  did love horrible   
examples6    ,no indoor games were      
permitted4 ,this taboo was in force     
against  8,drop-the-,handkerchief10     
8,puss-in-the-,corner10 8,ring-,around  
the ,rosy10  and 8,london ,bridge is    
,falling ,down20 in fact1 it included   
everything  the ,preacher could think of
 except games founded on the ,bible4    
,that  is1 we could play games in which 
questions of ,biblical history were     
asked and answered1 but they had to be  
conducted in a very solemn and  decorous
 manner4 ,at the first laugh1 or at the 
first question based  on the more ribald

 portions of the ,scriptures1 such as   
,numbers and  ,deuteronomy1 the game was
 stopped and everyone went home in      
disgrace4  ,one of my young friends who 
once asked what happened to ,laban's    
household idol was soundly thrashed1 as 
was another who requested a  young lady 
to enumerate the ingredients of         
,ezekiel's bread4 ,the curious  may     
learn what the ,holy ,prophet ate by    
consulting ,ezekiel #d3ae4    ,we could 
have no outdoor games2 in many families1
 indeed1 it was  considered irreligious 
to go out of doors at all except to     
church4  ,restless boys were sometimes  
permitted to walk around the block1 and 
once in a great while to play1 if they  
did so quietly and remained in  the back
 yard1 where1 presumably1 the ,lord     
could not see them4 ,anyhow1  the       
neighbors couldn't4    ,parties and teas
 were forbidden1 and we could not visit 
on ,sunday1 as  a general rule1 except  
among relatives4 ,and such visits were  
usually  turned into holy sing-songs1   

but since most of the hymns were either 
pornographic or slightly ,sadistic1     
there were thrills galore in this  sort 
of thing4    ,walking along the main    
street of the town on ,sunday was a sin 
of the  first magnitude4 ,occasionally a
 group would obtain permission to stroll
  sedately down to ,old ,maid's ,springs
 and take kodak pictures in a  refined  
and genteel manner1 but a young man and 
a girl caught ambling  along ,columbia  
street were the objects of much         
unfavorable comment4 ,it  was generally 
agreed that they were no better than    
they should be1 and  often a ,preacher1 
or a ,brother or ,sister1 would stop    
them and order  them to cease           
desecrating the ,lord's ,day by such    
frivolous conduct4    8,go home10 they  
would be told1 8and pray to ,god to     
forgive you40    ,we could not go       
buggy-riding on ,sunday until we were   
old enough to  take our hope of the     
hereafter in our hands and tacitly admit
 our  allegiance to ,satan4 ,girls who  

did so and thus flaunted their sin were 
ostracised by many of our best families1
 and were regarded as abandoned         
hussies1 if not scarlet women4 ,a man   
had to hold a good many promissory      
notes for his daughter to get away with 
a thing like that4    ,the ,lord did not
 approve of ,sunday-night suppers1 and  
so we could not  have them4 ,in the     
homes of the godly there was only a cold
 snack for  the evening meal4 ,it was   
considered sinful to light a fire in the
  cook-stove after twelve o'clock noon4 
,one woman who moved to ,farmington     
from ,st4 ,louis had the brazen audacity
 to give formal ,sunday-night  dinners1 
but she scandalized the town and nobody 
would attend but a few  ,episcopalians  
disguised as ,presbyterians4 ,and even  
they could not bring  themselves to wear
 evening clothes4 ,but ,god soon        
punished her2 she was  so severely      
criticised that she finally went back to
 the city4    ,dancing on ,sunday1 of   
course1 or for that matter on any other 

day1 was  the ,sin of ,sins4 ,i was     
told1 and until ,i was almost grown     
believed it1  that whoever danced on the
 ,sabbath would immediately be engulfed 
in a  wave of ,heavenly wrath1 and his  
soul plunged into the ,fires of ,hell to
  frizzle and fry throughout eternity4  
,sunday newspapers were not considered  
religious1 although my father  went to  
the ,devil to the extent of buying them 
each ,sunday and  permitting my brothers
 and myself to read the comic sections4 
,usually  we went to ,pelty's ,book     
,store for them after church1 bringing  
home the  ,st4 ,louis ,globe-,democrat1 
the ,republic and the ,post-,dispatch1  
together with a horde of small boys     
whose parents would not permit them  to 
read anything on ,sunday but the ,bible1
 and who therefore came to  our house   
and sprawled all over the place reading 
the comics and the  magazine sections4  
,my father was severely criticized for  
buying the  ,sunday newspapers1 but he  
persisted in his wickedness4 ,my        

prayerful  uncle would not permit them  
in his house2 indeed1 all of his books  
but  the ,bibles remained in a locked   
case from ,saturday night to ,monday    
morning4 ,but when my brothers and      
myself passed his home with the  ,sunday
 papers under our arms he always stopped
 us1 and kept us waiting  on the        
sidewalk for half an hour or more while 
he glanced at them and  eagerly devoured
 the news4 ,but he would not let us come
 in while we had  the papers2 he would  
meet us on the walk1 and we were not old
 enough to  object4    ,my father       
finally became very tired of this       
practice1 and himself went  after the   
papers4 ,the first day he did this1 my  
uncle was on his front  porch1 waiting  
for us to come by1 and he stopped my    
father and reached  for one of the      
papers4 ,but my father would not let him
 have any of  them4    8,no1 no10 he    
said4 8,you do not believe in ,sunday   
papers40    ,and thereafter my uncle did
 not read our ,sunday papers1 although  

he  occasionally visited us in the      
afternoon and looked at them1 after     
expressing his sorrow at finding them in
 our house4 ,once he found his  son     
sprawled in our yard guffawing over the 
antics of the ,yellow ,kid  when he     
should have been at a meeting of the    
,loyal ,temperance ,legion1  lifting his
 childish voice against the ,rum ,demon4
 ,my uncle chased the  lad home with    
threats of punishment1 and then himself 
took up the funny  section4    ,baseball
 games were played by the ungodly on the
 outskirts of the town  on ,sunday1 but 
the game was frowned upon by the        
,preachers and the  ,brothers and       
,sisters1 who denounced it as a lure of 
,satan and predicted  dire spiritual    
tortures for the players4 ,small boys   
who attended the  games were soundly    
whipped1 but occasionally we became so  
feverish  with the desire to witness a  
contest that we slipped away from home  
and watched the game1 pretending that we
 were going to visit relatives  and     

listen to hymns played on an organ4 ,but
 there were always spies of  the ,lord  
at the game to tell on us4 ,it was this 
opposition to ,sunday  baseball that    
drove my younger brother out of the     
,methodist ,sunday  school1 only a      
little while after ,i myself had        
abandoned the church4 ,he  was in the   
class taught by ,brother ,benjamin      
,marbury1 a lawyer and an  exceedingly  
loud and bitter antagonist of baseball4 
,he denounced the  game before his class
 one day1 and my brother said that he   
could not  see anything wrong with it4  
,brother ,marbury stared at him sternly4
    8,would ,jesus ,christ attend a     
baseball game on ,sunday if ,he were    
here80  he demanded4    ,my brother said
 he did not know1 but thought ,he would1
 and ,brother  ,marbury immediately     
knelt and asked ,god to forgive the     
blasphemy4  ,my brother was infuriated  
and never went back to ,sunday school4  
,his  comment was3 8,what did he have to
 bring ,jesus ,christ into it for80     

#b    ,we arose at the usual hour on    
,sunday morning1 perhaps a little later1
  and immediately after breakfast began 
to get ready for ,sunday school4  ,there
 was hair to comb1 shoes to polish in   
the kitchen1 cravats to  tie around     
necks that had become enlarged and      
reddened by various  activities on the  
playing fields1 and there were nickels  
to secrete  for the collection boxes4   
,worse1 there were ,sunday-school       
lessons and  ,golden ,texts to learn1   
and the catechism to memorize4 ,dressed 
in our  ,sunday suits1 our hair slicked 
moistly to our heads and ,sunday-school 
pamphlets in our hands1 my two brothers 
and ,i went solemnly down to  ,newman's 
corner1 turned into the unnamed street  
that ran past ,elmwood  ,seminary and   
then into ,columbia ,street and so to   
the ,southern ,methodist  church4       
,ordinarily a trip downtown was a great 
deal of fun2 we tripped each  other1    
poked each other in the ribs or had two 
or three fights en  route1 varying with 

the warmth of our friendship for other  
boys we  met upon the way4 ,but on      
,sunday we went solemnly and fearfully1 
first  ,emmett1 then myself and then    
,fred1 according to age and stature4 ,we
  met other similar groups1 arrayed as  
we were in their ,sunday suits  and     
clutching their lesson pamphlets1 and   
our greetings were subdued  and formal4 
,we converged upon the church1 and all  
over town the bells  tolled and the     
faithful marched to hear ,god's         
intimates explain ,his  written word1   
and tell us calmly and definitely what  
,he meant by the  most obscure passages 
in ,his ,book4    ,we sat in church for 
an hour and a half listening to various 
versions  of the ,hebraic fairy tales4  
,in our church the ,sunday-school room  
was  set apart from the main auditorium1
 but occasionally the attendance  was so
 large that it overflowed into the      
church proper4 ,to most of  us ,sunday  
school was torture1 and ,i have no doubt
 that it is still  torture to most      

children4 ,it may be that ,i did not    
learn a great deal  about the ,bible in 
,sunday school1 but ,i do know that it  
was in ,sunday  school that ,i first    
began to doubt the ,book4 ,i was        
naturally curious  and inquisitive1 and 
even then1 young as ,i was1 ,i could not
 swallow the  miracles of ,jonah and the
 whale1 and the idea of the virgin birth
 of  ,jesus ,i considered absurd1       
because in common with most small-town  
boys  ,i had a very definite knowledge  
of the procedure employed in bringing   
babies into the world4 ,up to the age of
 seven or eight ,i thought the  doctor  
brought them in his suitcase1 or that   
they grew on bushes in the  back yard   
and were plucked when ripe1 but after ,i
 began to loaf around  the livery stable
 and the ,post ,office building ,i      
acquired more correct  information4 ,nor
 could ,i believe that ,noah's ,ark     
would have held two of  every living    
thing then upon the earth4 ,but the     
,preachers and ,brothers  and ,sisters  

insisted that these things were         
literally true2 they  denounced anyone  
who doubted and sought for symbolical   
meaning as an  unbeliever and a         
blasphemous son of ,satan4    ,my       
sister1 at the age of ten1 was the      
object of special prayers and  solemn   
conferences because1 for no other reason
 than that she wanted  to be contrary1  
she expressed a doubt of the ,virgin    
,birth4 ,she was in  ,mrs4 ,judge       
,carter's ,sunday-school class at the   
time1 but she did not  like ,mrs4       
,carter and disagreed with her when she 
thought she could  do so without        
subsequent punishment4 ,mrs4 ,carter    
frequently told her  pupils1 all little 
girls about eight or ten years old1 of  
the marvelous  manner in which ,christ  
came into the world1 but she told it so 
vaguely  that none of them had any real 
understanding of it4 ,one ,sunday       
morning1  after ,mrs4 ,carter had read  
something about the ,virgin ,birth1 my  
sister  said flatly that she did not    

believe it4    8,don't believe what80   
asked ,mrs4 ,carter4    8,virgin birth10
 said my sister4 8,i think it's         
foolish40    ,unfortunately1 she made   
this observation at a time when the     
whole  ,sunday school was quiet save for
 the mumbling of the catechism in       
various classes1 and her thin little    
voice reached every corner of  the room4
 ,and instantly there was a horrified   
silence1 broken after a  moment by      
someone who said3 8,it's that           
blasphemous little ,asbury girl40  ,mrs4
 ,carter was stunned2 the effect upon   
her was the same as if ,god had  walked 
in the door and announced that ,buddha1 
or ,zoroaster1 and not  ,jesus ,christ1 
was ,his son4 ,she stared for a moment  
at this brash child  who had defied     
religion and1 in effect1 denounced the  
,holy ,book4    8,mary60 she said       
terribly4 8,do you realize what you have
 done80    ,my sister's conception of   
virgin birth1 or of any sort of birth1  
was  decidedly hazy4 ,she thought       

,virgin ,birth meant that ,christ had   
been  born in a stable1 and she knew    
perfectly well that no nice child would 
be born in such a place4 ,anyhow1 she   
had heard so much about it that  she had
 become quite bored by it1 and she felt 
it incumbent upon her  to deny it4 ,but 
from ,mrs4 ,carter's attitude she knew  
that she had said  a terrible thing2 at 
first she thought of recanting1 but she 
looked  about and felt of herself1 and  
when she did not see any avenging angels
  entering and could find no sign that  
she had been stricken1 she stuck  to her
 guns4    8,well10 she said1 8,i just   
don't believe it40    8,mary60 said     
,mrs4 ,carter4 8,go home and pray60     
,so my sister went home1 but ,i do not  
think that she prayed4 ,mrs4 ,carter    
and the ,preacher called that afternoon 
and told my father and mother  what had 
been said and done that day in ,god's   
house1 and there was a  considerable    
to-do about it1 both ,mrs4 ,carter and  
the ,preacher dropping  to their knees  

and praying1 and insisting1 that my     
sister pray also for  forgiveness4 ,but 
my father and mother took the attitude  
that since my  sister did not know what 
she was talking about1 she probably had 
not  sinned to any great extent4 ,but it
 was a good many years before she  again
 had courage to express a doubt as to   
the ,virgin ,birth4 ,and if she  goes to
 ,heaven she will probably find that    
,mrs4 ,carter and the ,preacher  have   
instructed ,st4 ,peter to catechize her 
about it1 and not to admit  her until   
she has atoned fully for her heinous    
offense at the age of  ten4      #c     
,some of our families in which there was
 an unfortunate excess of girls         
permitted them to have callers on       
,sunday afternoon1 but such affairs     
were conducted in a prim and prissy     
manner4 ,holiness was the motif4 ,the   
boy1 if he had been a good lad all week 
and had done nothing to affront  ,god or
 the ,preacher1 was dressed in his      
,sunday suit1 and the young  lady wore  

the frock that was kept in reserve for  
weddings1 funerals  and baptizings1 and 
those cannibalistic exercises called the
 ,lord's  ,supper4 ,and it was          
definitely understood that if a boy     
called on a girl  on a ,sunday1 he was  
courting her1 and intended to propose   
marriage4  ,they could not talk2 they   
must converse1 and their conversation   
must  be on subjects both inspiring and 
uplifting4 ,these bons mots that are    
now known as wise cracks were frowned   
upon1 and a repetition of them  resulted
 in the young gentleman being shown the 
door4    ,the piano and the phonograph1 
in those houses which possessed such    
wonders1 were under lock and key and    
covered over with draperies to  hide    
them1 for it was ,god's day and ,god    
wanted no foolishness4 ,the  girl's     
father sat in various strategic places  
about the house1 moving  from one to    
another as his suspicions of the boy's  
intentions arose and  subsided1 and her 
mother moved solemnly to and fro in her 

best crinkly  silk dress4 ,there was    
nothing of joy in the hearts of a boy   
and girl  who underwent the torture of  
the ,sunday-afternoon call2 to          
paraphrase  the immortal song of ,casey1
 ,god had struck them out4    ,the      
first1 and almost the last1 young lady  
upon whom ,i called on a  ,sunday       
afternoon lived near the waterworks1 and
 her father and mother1  rocking        
solemnly upon the front porch and       
doubtless reflecting gloomily  upon the 
wickedness of the race1 presented such a
 forbidding spectacle  that ,i walked   
four times around the block before      
venturing in4 ,but at  length ,i did1   
and the then idol of my heart greeted me
 at the front  door4 ,ordinarily she    
would have seen me coming1 and she would
 have  poked her head out of the window 
and yelled3 8,hey6 ,i'll be out in a    
minute40 ,then we would have piled side 
by side into the lawn swing and  begun  
swapping trade-lasts1 and the air would 
have been thick with  appreciative      

squeals and 8he saids0 and 8she saids40 
,but this was  ,sunday1 a day given over
 to the glory that is religion1 and so  
she met  me at the door with a prim and 
pretty curtsy4 ,her father gave me a    
gentle but suspicious greeting1 because 
to the religious parent every  boy      
thinks of a girl only in terms of       
seduction1 and her mother stopped  her  
rocking chair long enough to inquire3   
8,did you go to ,sunday school to-day1  
,herbie80    8,yes1 ma'am40    8,what   
was the ,golden ,text80 she demanded1   
suspiciously4    ,i told her and she    
asked3    8,did you stay to church80    
8,yes1 ma'am40    8,brother ,jenkins    
preached such a beautiful sermon40      
8,yes1 ma'am40    ,and then she smiled a
 gentle smile1 sighed a dolefully       
religious sigh  and told her daughter   
that she could take me into the parlor1 
that holy  of holies which was darkened 
and unused during the week1 but opened  
on  ,sundays for callers and on other   
special occasions such as funerals and  

weddings4 ,the room was extraordinarily 
gloomy1 because the curtains  were never
 raised enough to let in a great deal of
 light1 and it  smelled musty from being
 closed all week4 ,and invariably the   
gloom was  added to by a crayon portrait
 of the head of the house1 a goggle-eyed
  enlargement of a very ordinary        
photograph by ,trappe1 which stood on an
  easel in a corner4    ,i had          
considered this call an occasion1 and   
with the aid of my elder  sister who was
 visiting us from ,memphis1 ,i had made 
an elaborate toilet  and had been       
permitted to wear my ,sunday suit4 ,but 
,i did not have a  good time2 ,i had    
known this girl a long time and admired 
her intensely1  but she seemed suddenly 
to have changed4 ,she sat stiffly on one
 side  of the room near a window1 hands 
folded demurely in her lap1 and ,i sat  
as stiffly on the other4 ,we inquired   
coldly concerning each other's  health1 
and ,i had prepared in my mind a        
suitable and1 indeed1 quite  holy       

comment on certain aspects of our school
 life and was about to  deliver it when 
her mother called gently from the porch3
    8,don't play the piano1 dear3 it's  
,sunday40    ,my observation went       
unuttered1 and we sat for some little   
time in an  embarrassed silence broken  
only by the crunch of her mother's      
rocking  chair and the crooning melody  
of a hymn1 each wishing to ,heaven  that
 the other was elsewhere4 ,i yearned to 
hear the piano1 but this  instrument1   
with its delightful tinkle and its      
capacity for producing  ragtime1 was    
generally regarded as a hellish         
contraption2 in fact1 any  sort of fast 
music was considered more or less       
sinful4 ,if there had  been an organ in 
the house1 the young lady would have    
been permitted  to play it1 and we could
 have sung from the family hymn book1   
provided  we did so in proper humility4 
,but there was only a piano1 and it was 
taboo4 ,presently the mother spoke      
again3    8,don't play the phonograph1  

dear2 it's ,sunday40    ,this admonition
 was modified later by permission to    
play an organ  record of the hymn1      
8,face to ,face10 and we played it over 
five times  before the mother got tired 
of hearing it4 ,she said1 8,you'd better
 stop  now1 dear2 it's ,sunday40 ,then  
she suggested that we turn to other     
means of entertainment4    8,perhaps    
,herbie would like to look at the album1
 dear4 ,would you1  ,herbie80    8,yes1 
ma'am10 ,i said4    ,so we looked at the
 album1 stiffly and in silence1 the     
sacred book held  on our knees1 but we  
were very careful that our knees did not
 touch4  ,we dared not giggle at the    
sight of the bushy-whiskered members of 
the  young lady's family1 and made no   
comment on their raiment1 which we      
rightly considered outlandish4 ,we      
turned the pages and stared1 and the    
girl explained4    8,that's ,uncle      
,martin40    8,taken when he went to    
,niagara ,falls on his honeymoon1 dear10
 said her  mother4 8,uncle ,martin was a

 great traveler40    8,yes1 ma'am10 ,i  
said1 feeling that comment was expected4
    8,wouldn't you like to travel1      
,herbie80    8,yes1 ma'am40    8,well1  
be a good boy and read your ,bible and  
maybe some day ,god will  make you a    
great traveler40    8,yes1 ma'am40      
8,but don't travel on ,sunday1 ,herbie40
    8,no1 ma'am40    ,and crunch went   
the rocker and we turned another page1  
to find ,aunt  ,ella smiling gently at  
us through a mass of glorious flounces  
and  trains and switches4 ,we learned   
from the mother that ,aunt ,ella had    
been  converted1 at an extraordinarily  
early age1 during a revival near ,hazel 
,run1 and had lived a singularly devout 
and godly life4 ,then we looked  through
 the stereopticon at various places of  
interest1 murmuring our  awe when the   
mother swished gently into the room and 
pointed out1 in a  view of ,niagara     
,falls1 the exact spot where ,uncle     
,martin had stood4 ,it  was1 she        
explained1 one of ,god's rocks4    ,to  

my knowledge this family had some very  
comical stereopticon views1  scenes     
depicting the life of an unfortunate    
tramp who was kicked  heartily and      
effectively at every place he applied   
for nourishment1  but we did not see    
them on ,sunday afternoon4 ,they were   
,saturday-night  stuff4 ,saturday night 
was nigger night in ,farmington1 and the
 whole  town let down the bars somewhat4
 ,that was the night when those who     
drank got tight1 and when those who     
bathed got wet1 and when those who  had 
amorous intentions did their best to    
carry them out4 ,had ,i called  on      
,saturday night ,i should have been     
permitted to enjoy the adventures  of   
the unfortunate tramp1 but not on       
,sunday4 ,they had been put away1  under
 lock and key in the writing desk1 and  
would not be brought out  until ,monday4
 ,they were not calculated to promulgate
 a proper respect  for the ,lord's ,day2
 they were considered downright wicked  
one day a  week and funny the other six4

    ,even in my infatuated condition an 
hour or so of this was quite enough4    
,ordinarily this girl and ,i had much in
 common2 at that time ,i ranked  her    
high among the beautiful flowers of     
,god1 and had ,i stopped at her  house  
on a week day we would have had gleeful 
and uproarious converse1  although even 
then we would have been liable to       
religious instruction  and catechism    
from every snooping ,brother and ,sister
 who saw us4 ,but  the taboos that this 
,christian family had raised on its holy
 day stood  between us and could not be 
broken down2 we were horribly           
uncomfortable  in each other's presence1
 and we never got over it4 ,she was     
never  afterward the same girl4 ,and    
when ,i took myself and my ,sunday suit 
into  the sunlight of the porch her     
mother stopped rocking and crooning     
hymns  long enough to demand4    8,are  
you going to church to-night1 ,herbie80 
8,yes1 ma'am10 ,i replied4 8,i got to40 
,and so ,i went out of the gate and away

 from there4    ,this sort of thing in  
the homes of ,farmington drove all of   
the boys  to more or less open revolt as
 rapidly as they reached an age at      
which they felt able to defy parental   
and churchly authority4 ,by the  time ,i
 left the town the ,sunday-afternoon    
callers1 except those who  made         
unavoidable duty calls1 were to be found
 only in the homes of  the ungodly1     
where there was music and pleasure and  
gayety1 where  the parlor was wide open 
seven days a week and the phonograph    
blared  and the piano tinkled whenever  
anyone wanted to hear them4 ,to these   
houses also went the girls from the     
devout families for clandestine         
meetings with their sweethearts2 they   
could not entertain anyone in the       
dismal mausoleums into which their      
fathers and mothers had transformed     
their homes4 ,many a small-town romance 
has been blighted by the                
,sunday-afternoon call4                 
,,agents ,,of ,,god      #a    ,in      

,farmington we had not only those       
,preachers who had been ordained to  the
 ministry and so licensed to preach by  
both ,god and man1 but the  town was    
overrun with volunteers1 ,brothers and  
,sisters who shouted  the word of ,god  
whenever they could find an audience1   
who gave the  testimony at the camp     
meetings1 the protracted meetings1 and  
at those  orgies conducted by the       
professional evangelist who chased the  
,devil  from any town that would        
guarantee him a fat fee4 ,these         
,preachers and  their allies controlled 
,farmington to a very large extent1 and 
when  they were defeated1 at elections  
or otherwise1 they raised their voices  
in howls of denunciation and called upon
 ,god to punish the guilty4 ,it  was    
many years before ,i learned that a     
candidate endorsed by a ,preacher  was  
not necessarily called by ,god to assume
 the office4    ,it was essential for   
any man who wanted to hold public office
 to  profess religion and be seen at    

church1 and usually the more noise he   
made in religious gatherings1 the       
greater his chances of success at the   
polls4 ,if any candidate dared to hold  
views contrary to those of the  godly1 a
 vile whispering campaign was started   
against him1 and his  personal life was 
raked over and bared with many gloating 
references to  the ,christian duty of   
the people to punish this upstart4      
,occasionally  the ungodly or           
anti-religious element elected a mayor  
or what not1 but  generally religion    
triumphed and thanks were offered to    
,god1 and then  throughout his term the 
office-holder was harassed by pious     
hypocrites  seeking favors and special  
privilege4 ,my father1 as county        
surveyor and  city clerk1 was constantly
 being checked up to determine if he    
remained  steadfast in the faith4    ,i 
do not think that my father was regarded
 as a first-class ,christian  in        
,farmington2 ,i am sure that in many    
quarters it was felt that he  was more  

or less disgracing his ancestry because 
he did not bound to  his feet at camp   
meetings and similar gatherings and make
 a holy show  of himself with           
hypocritical testimony4 ,he went to     
church1 and until  ,i was old enough to 
do pretty much as ,i pleased1 he saw to 
it that ,i  went also1 and to ,sunday   
school and ,epworth ,league and other   
places  where the ,methodist ,god could 
take a peek at my soul4 ,but he was     
only passively religious2 he showed no  
tremendous enthusiasm for the  ,wesleyan
 ,deity1 and he never made a            
particularly active effort to keep  me  
in the path that1 according to some1    
leads to spiritual glory4    ,in a      
religious sense ,i was annoyed much less
 by my father and my  mother than ,i was
 by the busybodies who seemed to be     
appointed by the  ,lord to take care of 
everybody's business but their own4     
,most of the  religious instruction that
 ,i received came from volunteers1      
either  relatives of my parents1 or     

,brothers and ,sisters whom ,i          
encountered  during my pathetic efforts 
to have a good time4 ,and1 of course1   
from  the ,preacher4 ,to many of these  
,i put questions2 ,i asked them to      
explain  certain things in the ,bible   
and in the church service that ,i did   
not  understand1 and which seemed to    
conflict with the little definite       
knowledge that ,i had of life and human 
beings4 ,invariably ,i was told  that   
the ,bible needed no explaining2 ,i was 
merely to believe it and  have faith4   
,i was afraid of the ,preachers in      
,farmington1 and of the ,brothers and   
,sisters1 desperately afraid of them1   
because they filled my mind with        
horrible pictures of ,hell and the      
roaring fires of old ,nick2 their       
object in talking religion to small boys
 seemed to be to frighten them  into    
being good4 ,and ,i think that most of  
the other boys were afraid of  them1    
too1 except such brave souls as my      
cousin1 ,barney ,blue1 who was a  8bad  

boy0 and afraid of neither ,god nor     
,devil4 ,one of my great moments  was   
when ,i heard ,barney tell a prying old 
,brother to go to hell4 ,and  curiously 
enough1 and incomprehensibly to many of 
the good old people  of ,farmington1    
,barney is to-day exceedingly prosperous
 and well thought  of in his community4 
,but there were very few like ,barney2  
most of us trembled in our boots1  even 
the red-topped ones we were so proud of1
 when a ,preacher or a  ,brother or     
,sister came snooping about1 head bowed 
under its burden of  religious horror1  
and demanded information as to our      
conduct and the  condition of our souls4
 ,in the cities the cry of the          
youngsters was  8,cheese it1 the cop10  
but in ,farmington it was 8,look out1   
there's a  ,preacher60 ,we could not    
start a game of marbles anywhere in town
 but  one of them1 or else a ,brother or
 ,sister1 did not pounce upon us and    
demand to know if we were playing 8for  
keeps40 ,and since we invariably  were1 

and did not know enough to tell the     
,preacher what was politely  called a   
fib1 the game stopped then and there    
while we absorbed a  little religion and
 learned that ,god abhorred little boys 
who played  for keeps4    ,we were told 
that ,god had ,his eye on us when we did
 such things1 and  that our ,guardian   
,angels put black marks in their little 
books every  time we shot a marble4     
8,you must give your heart to ,jesus10  
we were told4 8,he will not let you     
dwell in the ,heavenly ,mansions if you 
persist in this sinful practice40    ,we
 used to play marbles in a vacant lot   
behind the ,christian church1  and it   
was a very fine playground1 with a level
 stretch on which the  marbles rolled   
beautifully4 ,but we had to give it up1 
because the lot  was near the home of a 
,sister1 who spent most of her waking   
hours in  front of her window1 staring  
out through the curtains in a constant  
search for sin and scandal4 ,we had no  
more than drawn the ring and  legged for

 first shot than she came out on her    
porch and shouted3    8,are you boys    
playing for keeps80    ,and we answered 
in unison1 politely1 as we had been     
taught3    8,yes1 ma'am40    ,she       
stopped the game1 swooping down upon us 
with the glint of the  ,heaven-born     
fanatic in her eye4 ,she told us that we
 were wicked  and sinful and blasphemous
 and ,heaven knows what else besides to 
play for keeps in the very shadow of a  
,house of ,god4 ,she invariably         
threatened us with punishment ranging   
from spanking to everlasting  torment in
 ,hell1 and if we dared to say anything 
to her other than  the conventional     
8,yes1 ma'am10 she said we were saucy   
and threatened  to telephone our        
mothers4 ,occasionally she did so1 and a
 marble  game behind the ,christian     
church was then followed by the wails of
  little boys being led into the        
woodshed4 ,she performed her war dance  
many times1 and finally we went to play 
near the livery stable4 ,the  atmosphere

 there was not so uplifting1 but at     
least we were in peace1  for the        
hostlers had no interest at all in our  
immortal souls1 although  they were very
 much interested in who won the marbles4
      #b    ,the livery stables in      
,farmington were a sort of symbol of the
 heretical  element of the town4 ,the   
big ,mayberry  ,byington barn1 down the 
block  from ,braun's ,hotel and ,saloon1
 was a particularly delightful place to 
loaf2 it was infested by sinners1       
abandoned wretches who swore horrible   
oaths1 smoked cigarettes1 and drank     
whisky and gin out of big bottles4  ,the
 politicians loafed there at such times 
as they felt they would not  be seen by 
the more godly part of our citizenry4   
,two of our most celebrated darkies1    
,uncle ,louis ,burks and ,uncle  ,mose  
,bridges1 spent most of their time at   
the ,mayberry barn1 and we  considered  
them quite fascinating1 especially      
,uncle ,louis4 ,he regaled  us with     
tales of the days when1 in the ,south   

before the ,civil ,war1 he  had no      
duties except be the father of as many  
children as possible2  that was his job4
 ,he estimated the number of his progeny
 anywhere  from fifty to five hundred1  
according to the amount of liquor he had
  consumed before counting1 and we      
generally gave him the benefit of the   
doubt and called it five hundred4 ,we   
ranked him with the great fathers  of   
the ,bible1 and ,i recall that it seemed
 to me somewhat strange that  the       
preachers did not offer ,uncle ,louis's 
achievements as proof of the  truth of  
certain portions of the ,book4    ,uncle
 ,mose's principal claim to our         
attention was his dog1 a sad-eyed       
little mongrel that trotted at the end  
of a string everywhere ,uncle  ,mose    
went4 ,we were permitted to play with   
the dog occasionally1 much to  the      
disgust of our parents1 as we invariably
 went home scratching4 ,both  ,uncle    
,louis and ,uncle ,mose were regarded as
 sinners1 partly on account  of their   

color4 ,it was not believed that a black
 man could enter the  ,kingdom of       
,heaven1 although the deluded creatures 
had churches and  prayed to ,god4 ,and  
then their domestic arrangements were   
somewhat  haphazard1 and ,uncle ,louis  
frequently boasted that he did not marry
  all the mothers of his children before
 the ,war4 ,both he and ,uncle ,mose    
were familiar figures around ,farmington
 for many years2 they did odd  jobs at  
the homes of the godly1 and for their   
pay received part cash  and part        
religious lectures and prayers4 ,they   
thrived on the cash1 and  apparently the
 prayers did not hurt them4    ,it was  
at the livery stable1 also1 that the    
drummers from ,st4 ,louis1  waiting for 
rigs to take them to the towns of the   
lead-mining district  around ,bonne     
,terre1 ,flat ,river and ,elvins1 left  
their stocks of  stories4 ,the coming of
 a drummer was an event with us2 it     
meant that we  should hear things that  
were not meant for our little ears1 and 

that  for a little while at least we    
could revel in the sight of a man given 
over to sin and seemingly enjoying it4  
,he used to assure us solemnly  that    
playing marbles for keeps was not a sin 
anywhere in the world  but in           
,farmington1 and tell stories1 which we 
regarded as fanciful  untruths1 of towns
 in which little boys did not have to go
 to ,sunday  school4    ,the drummer    
came in on the herdic from ,de ,lassus  
before the interurban  railroad was     
built1 and he was generally a gorgeous  
spectacle4 ,he was  not welcomed in our 
best homes1 and even his presence in    
church was not  considered a good omen  
for the forces of righteousness1 so he  
could  usually be found loafing in front
 of the livery stable or dozing in a    
chair tilted against the wall of the    
,st4 ,francis ,hotel4 ,he brought with  
him not only the latest stories1 but the
 most advanced raiment2 the  first      
peg-top trousers ever seen in           
,farmington adorned the legs of a  shoe 

drummer traveling out of ,st4 ,louis1   
and they created a furor and            
established a style4 ,soon our most     
stylish dressers had them4    ,besides  
being the abode of wickedness and the   
lair of ,satan1 and  therefore an       
extraordinarily fascinating place1 the  
livery stable was  also the principal   
loafing place of a darky who had fits4  
,he was one of  our town characters1 and
 was regarded by myself and the other   
boys as a  person of remarkable         
accomplishments4 ,we felt that to be    
able to have  fits set him above us2 we 
gloated enormously when he suddenly     
shrieked1  fell to the ground and began 
foaming at the mouth4 ,our attitude     
toward  him was respectful1 and he      
appreciated it4 ,he was1 it seemed to   
me1  proud of his fits4 ,i have known   
him to rise1 finally1 brush himself off 
and ask1 simply3    8,was it a good     
one80    ,generally we thought it was4  
,this darky became such an attraction   
for us that for a long time1 when a     

group of us could find nothing          
interesting to do1 and when there was   
for the moment no one in sight to       
remind us of our duty to ,god and the   
church1 it was the custom for one  of us
 to say3    8,let's go over to the      
livery stable and see ,tod have a fit40 
,we thereupon trooped solemnly to the   
big barn and gathered in a circle  about
 the darky1 who was generally sitting   
against the side of the  building       
whittling on a stick4 ,we watched him   
silently for a while1 and  then someone 
mustered up courage enough to say3      
8,going to have a fit to-day1 ,tod80    
,with the instinct of the true artist1  
,tod ignored us for a time1 intent  upon
 his whittling4 ,finally he gave us     
brief attention4    8,maybe10 he said1  
and returned to his task4    ,and then  
suddenly he uttered a blood-curdling    
shriek and tumbled  headlong from his   
chair4 ,we watched1 fascinated1 uttering
 little  murmurs of 8ah60 as he writhed 
and moaned1 and when it was all over we 

settled back with a little sigh of      
satisfaction4 ,we felt that we had  seen
 a first-rate performance1 and when the 
darky had a fit in front  of the ,post  
,office1 or in the yard of the          
courthouse1 his audience was  increased 
by as many boys and men as were         
downtown1 shopkeepers leaving  their    
wares to run across and watch4    ,there
 was nothing of callousness in our      
attitude toward the darky4 ,my  own     
feeling in the matter was that ,tod was 
having fits for our benefit1  and       
because he enjoyed it1 but at length ,i 
came to learn that he could  not help   
it1 that the poor fellow was ill4 ,then 
,i was sorry for him1  and one day ,i   
asked one of our most prominent         
,brothers why ,tod had  fits4 ,he       
immediately seized upon the question to 
give me some religious  instruction4    
8,he has sinned10 said the ,brother1    
8and ,god is punishing him40    ,he     
elaborated his statement1 explaining    
that ,tod had probably neglected  to    

attend ,sunday school1 or had not read  
his ,bible1 and that he had  thus become
 a blasphemous sinner and was being     
properly dealt with4  ,he pointed out   
that ,i1 too1 might grow up and have    
fits if ,i was not  a good boy4 ,now1 ,i
 did not want to have fits1 and neither 
did ,i want  to be a good boy4 ,i wanted
 to have some fun2 ,i wanted to run     
about1  and play marbles1 and go        
swimming1 and put tick-tacks against    
people's  window on ,halloween night4 ,i
 wanted to do all sorts of things that  
good boys did not do1 yet ,i most       
certainly did not want to have fits4    
8,but1 ,uncle ,si10 ,i said1 8how do you
 know that ,god is making him have      
fits8 ,and why does ,god do it80        
8,herbie60 ,he was shocked4 8,you are   
blasphemous6 ,you must not question  the
 wisdom of the ,almighty4 ,i have faith1
 and ,i believe in ,god and the         
holiness of ,his acts4 ,i know that this
 man must have sinned1 or ,god  would   
not punish him so40    ,i was not       

prepared to confound this faulty logic2 
it was not then  the business of small  
boys to question anything their elders  
told  them1 but to accept without       
comment the pearls of wisdom that fell  
from bewhiskered lips4 ,but it seemed to
 me small business for ,god to  be      
engaged upon4 ,yet it did not cause me  
great surprise1 for ,i had  long known  
that the ,god who pressed so heavily    
upon ,farmington was a  conception of   
unutterable cruelty1 an omnipotent      
,being whose greatest  joy lay in       
singling out the weak and lowly and     
inflicting horrible  tortures upon them1
 to the vast and gloating satisfaction  
of the  ,brothers and their kind4       
,some time afterward1 because ,i was    
worried over this torturing and         
punishment of the darky whose writhings 
had now become less an amusing  exhibit 
than a terrible manifestation of the    
,almighty1 ,i asked another  ,brother   
how he knew that ,god had a hand in it4 
,but neither he nor ,uncle  ,si ever    

told me4 ,none of them were ever able to
 tell me how they knew  so well what    
,god wanted and what ,god did not want2 
they merely left  with me the impression
 that on occasion they walked with ,god 
and that  ,god spoke to them and asked  
their advice on the conduct of the human
  race4 ,but the source of their        
information ,i could not determine4     
,i have never found anyone who could    
satisfy my curiosity on this  point2 ,i 
never then1 or later1 found a religious 
enthusiast who would  admit that he was 
offering merely his personal            
interpretation of the  utterances that  
other men had credited to the ,almighty4
 ,but there  was nothing that entered   
the mind of ,god that the ,preachers and
 the  ,brothers and ,sisters of         
,farmington did not know and that they  
could  not explain and apply to local   
affairs4 ,they knew precisely what was a
  sin and what was not1 and it was      
curious that the sins were invariably   
things from which they received no      

pleasure4 ,nor was anything which  paid 
a profit a sin4 ,they knew very well    
that ,god considered it a sin  to play  
cards or dance1 but that ,he thought it 
only good business  practice to raise   
the price of beans or swindle a fellow  
citizen in the  matter of town lots1 or 
refuse credit to the poor and suffering4
      #c    ,as ,i grew older1 and began
 to be skeptical of what ,i was told1 ,i
  became increasingly annoyed not only  
by the mental mannerisms of these       
people1 but by their physical mannerisms
 as well4 ,not only did they  walk as if
 their soles were greased1 sliding and  
slipping about1 but  they talked as if  
their tongues were greased also4 ,their 
language was  oily2 they poured out     
their words unctuously1 with much       
roundabout  phrasing and unnecessary    
language4 ,if they wanted to tell about 
a man  going across the street from the 
,court ,house to the ,post ,office they 
would take him up the hill past the     
,masonic cemetery1 with side trips  to  

,jerusalem and other ,jewish centers4   
,if ,i went downtown and met a man  like
 ,sheriff ,rariden1 who will always have
 a place in my affections  because he   
permitted his son ,linn and myself to   
roam the jail yard and  stare through   
the bars at the nigger prisoners1 he    
would say3    8,how're you1 ,herbie8    
,how're your folks80    ,but if ,i met a
 ,preacher the greeting was this3       
8,good afternoon1 ,herbert4 ,and how are
 your dear father and mother80    ,and  
then he patted me on the head1 pinched  
my arm1 and padded away1  sliding       
greasily along the pavement1 his eagle  
eye alert for little  boys playing      
marbles or for other signs of sin4 ,he  
might have been  skinny and pitifully in
 need of food1 but nevertheless ,i      
thought of  him as greasy4 ,he had about
 him an unwholesome atmosphere2 ,i could
 not  be comfortable in his presence4 ,i
 felt that he had to be watched1  and   
when ,i became old enough to understand 
some of the looks that he  bestowed upon

 the young and feminine members of his  
flock ,i realized  that he should have  
been4    ,i had not lived very many     
years before ,i learned to look upon    
,preachers1 and their familiars1 the    
,brothers and ,sisters1 as useless      
incumbrances upon an otherwise fair     
enough earth4 ,but while ,i hated  all  
of them1 with a few natural exceptions1 
the one ,i always hated  most was the   
current pastor of our ,southern         
,methodist church4 ,he was  my spiritual
 father1 the guardian of my soul and the
 director of my  life in the hereafter1 
and he tried to see to it that ,i went  
into the  hereafter with proper respect 
for him and a proper respect for his    
,god4  ,i had to call him ,brother and  
be very meek and gentle in his presence1
  and stand without moving while he     
patted me on the head1 asked me fool    
questions1 and told me how much ,god    
loved little boys and girls4 ,he  called
 me a 8manly little fellow10 which      
annoyed me exceedingly1 and ,i  have the

 word of my young nephew that small boys
 are still annoyed by  it4    ,but he   
made it quite clear1 out of his profound
 knowledge of the wishes  of the        
,almighty1 that ,god did not want little
 boys and girls to have  a good time4   
,quite the contrary4 ,god wanted them to
 do exactly what  the ,preacher told    
them to do2 ,he wanted them to accept   
the ,preacher as  their guide and their 
philosopher and to believe everything   
they were  told1 without fretting him   
with unanswerable and therefore         
blasphemous  questions4 ,he wanted the  
little boys and girls to spend most of  
their  time praying to ,him to 8gimme   
this and gimme that10 and the rest of it
  being little gentlemen and little     
ladies1 solemn and subdued1 speaking    
only when spoken to and answering       
promptly when called4 ,god told the     
,preacher1 who relayed the message on to
 me very impressively1 that it  was a   
sin to play marbles on ,sunday1 or to   
play for keeps at any time2  that it was

 a sin to roll hoops on the sidewalk in 
front of the church  or rattle a stick  
against the picket fence in front of the
 parsonage4  ,everything that ,i wanted 
to do1 everything that seemed to hold   
any  promise of fun or excitement1 was a
 sin4    ,but it was not a sin to saw   
wood for the ,preacher1 or to carry huge
  armfuls of sticks and fill his kitchen
 bin1 and it was not a sin to  mow his  
lawn or rake the trash in his back yard4
 ,the children of the  godly were       
permitted to do these things because of 
the profound love  which the ,preacher  
bore for them2 his motto was 8,suffer   
little children  to come unto me1 and ,i
 will put them to work40 ,and since by  
his own  admission the ,preacher was a  
,man of ,god1 we were permitted to      
perform  these labors for nothing4 ,a   
boy was paid twenty-five to fifty cents1
  enormous and gratifying sums in those 
days1 if he mowed the lawn or  raked the
 trash for a family given over to sin1  
but if he did the job  for a ,preacher  

or a devout ,brother1 he received       
nothing but a pat on  the back and a    
prayer1 or he could listen to a verse   
from the ,bible  and a lecture on his   
duty to serve the ,lord and1            
incidentally1 the  self-appointed       
ambassadors of the ,lord4    ,once when 
,i was about twelve years old our pastor
 telephoned my mother  and asked that ,i
 be sent to his house to help him       
perform certain  tasks which should have
 been done by the darky men of all work 
about  town4 ,but our family did not    
wish to offend the ,preacher1 so ,i did 
the work4 ,and it was hard work4 ,i     
toiled all morning cleaning out the     
,preacher's woodshed and stacking split 
stove wood in neat piles1 and  then ,i  
carried in enough to fill two big wooden
 boxes in the kitchen4  ,during this    
time the ,preacher sat in his study1    
holding communion with  ,god1 and ,i    
presume1 reading the ,scriptures4       
,occasionally he came out  to the       
woodshed to superintend my work1        

ordering me to do this and do  that and 
scolding me because ,i did not work     
faster1 but he did none of  the work    
himself4 ,and when ,i was through he    
told me to come into his  study and     
receive payment4 ,i hurried after him1  
very weary1 but with  pleasant visions  
of a quarter floating before my eyes4 ,i
 believed that  was the least ,i should 
receive1 and to me it was a great deal  
of money2  properly expended at         
,mc,kinney's or ,otto ,rottger's1 it    
would keep me in  jawbreakers for more  
than a week1 and there might be enough  
left to buy  a bag of peewees or an     
agate4    ,but ,i did not receive the   
twenty-five cents4 ,the ,preacher closed
 the  door when we got into his study1  
and then he commanded me to kneel4 ,he  
put a hand on my shoulder1 and he said3 
8,my dear boy1 ,i am going to pray for  
you4 ,i am going to ask the ,lord       
,jesus to enter your heart and make you 
a good boy40    ,and then he knelt and  
prayed somewhat in this fashion3 8,o    

,lord ,jesus1  bless this little boy who
 has this day performed labor in ,thy   
behalf10  etc4    ,it was all very      
confusing4 ,i went home somewhat in     
doubt as to whether  the ,preacher or   
,god owned the woodshed4    ,but labor  
of little boys was not all that the     
,preachers got for  nothing4 ,they were 
inveterate beggars1 and all of them had 
fine1 highly  developed noses for       
chickens and other dainties2 it was     
seldom that  a family could have a      
chicken or turkey dinner without the    
,preacher  dropping in4 ,it is true that
 their salaries were not large1 but they
  had free use of the parsonage1 and    
they were not in dire circumstances  at 
all4 ,yet they always had their hands   
out1 grasping2 they were  ecclesiastical
 tramps begging for a donation4 ,in our 
town we used to  give showers for them2 
many families made periodical donations 
to the  ,pastor1 and sometimes there    
were surprise parties1 when the         
,preacher  and his wife were led into a 

room and shown piles of old clothing1   
food and discarded furniture1 all of    
which was sent next day to the          
parsonage4 ,the ,preacher was always    
pathetically grateful for these  things2
 he would kneel in the midst of them and
 offer a prayer for the  souls of the   
good people who had thus given him the  
clutterings of  their cellars and       
attics1 which they had no further use   
for4 ,he seldom  had enough self-respect
 to refuse them4      #d    ,the notion 
was prevalent in ,farmington1 among the 
,brothers and ,sisters1  that the       
,preachers were their servants and      
should peddle ,god to them  #cfe days a 
year4 ,it was felt also that their wives
 should be constantly  at the ,lord's   
work2 that they should be at home at all
 times1 available  for consultation and 
prayer meetings1 and that when they went
 abroad  they should dress soberly and  
walk with due humility4 ,the wife of    
,brother ,court1 one of our ,methodist  
pastors1 was severely criticized  for   

her departure from this formula of      
conduct4 ,apparently the ,courts  had   
means other than the salary paid them by
 the church1 and they kept  a maid1     
which in itself was enough to arouse    
suspicion that ,mrs4 ,court  was not a  
true servant of the ,lord4    ,but the  
straw that broke the religious back of  
the ,courts and hastened  the end of    
,brother ,court's ministry was the fact 
that ,mrs4 ,court took a  nap each      
afternoon4 ,this was considered nothing 
less than scandalous1  and for a long   
time our ,brothers and ,sisters refused 
to believe that  the wife of a man of   
,god should so far forget herself as to 
lie abed  when she might be praying or  
sitting at her front window looking     
through the curtains for a sin to       
happen4 ,but the story persisted1 and   
was broadcast by a discharged servant   
who swore that with her own eyes  she   
had seen ,mrs4 ,court sound asleep at   
three o'clock in the afternoon4         
,finally two ,sisters appointed         

themselves a committee of investigation4
  ,they rang the bell at the parsonage  
one afternoon1 and told the maid  that  
they had called to join ,mrs4 ,court in 
afternoon prayer1 and1  although they   
did not say it1 backbiting gossip4      
8,mrs4 ,court10 said the maid1 8is      
asleep and cannot be disturbed4 ,can    
you call later80    ,they could not4    
,they had barely strength enough to get 
home1 but after  prayer they revived    
sufficiently to sally forth and carry   
the awful  news throughout the town4    
,there could no longer be any doubt4    
,the  wife of the ,pastor of the        
,southern ,methodist church took a nap  
in the  afternoon4 ,the ,sisters had    
called1 and had been so informed by the 
maid1 and while a few chronic doubters  
remained1 the vast majority  realized   
that in a matter involving such serious 
consequences to ,mrs4  ,court's         
spiritual welfare1 a matter that        
directly affected and almost  destroyed 
her chances of going to ,heaven1 the    

,sisters could not tell a  lie4    ,so  
,brother ,court soon resigned and       
accepted a call to a town where  members
 of his family could sleep when they    
felt like it1 and could  even snore     
without jeopardizing their immortal     
souls4 ,nor did his  successor last very
 long4 ,he was an ,englishman1 and spoke
 in a high  nasal voice1 pronouncing his
 words very distinctly1 syllable by     
syllable4 ,he was criticized for several
 reasons4 ,one was that his  favorite   
phrase was 8and an-gels can do no more10
 and it was felt that  it was somewhat  
blasphemous to mention angels so often  
before mixed  company4 ,and then he     
spoke from notes1 whereas it was a      
custom of our  ,pastors to preach solely
 out of divine inspiration at the moment
 of  delivery4    ,there was much talk  
about the new ,preacher's notes1 and it 
was felt  that1 somehow1 he was lacking 
in devotion to ,god2 many ,brothers and 
,sisters argued that if he were really a
 ,man of ,god he would not have  to use 

notes1 but would be inspired and filled 
with words as he rose  in the pulpit4   
,his finish came the ,sunday morning    
that the wind blew  through an opened   
window and scattered his notes1 so that 
he had to  leave the pulpit and chase   
the scraps up and down the aisle before 
he  could proceed with his discourse4   
,this was regarded as direct evidence   
that ,god had deserted him1 and he left 
town soon afterward4      #e    ,the    
personalities of the preachers of my    
home town1 impressed as they  were upon 
my growing1 plastic mind1 probably will 
remain with me  always1 but ,i am       
thankful that for the most part their   
names elude me4  ,i remember clearly1   
however1 ,brother ,jenkins and ,brother 
,fontaine1  of our ,southern ,methodist 
church2 ,brother ,nations1 of the       
so-called  ,christian church2 ,brother  
,hickok1 of the ,presbyterian church1   
and1  clearest of all1 ,brother ,lincoln
 ,mc,connell1 the professional itinerant
  evangelist who 8converted0 me with the

 aid of half a dozen strong-armed  and  
strong-lunged ,brothers and ,sisters who
 dragged and pushed me down  the aisle  
of the church to the mourners' bench1   
where ,i was surrounded  and overwhelmed
 by 8workers for the ,lord40    ,brother
 ,jenkins ,i recall as a meek1 thin     
little man with a sad smile  and a      
classical appetite for fried chicken4   
,at the time ,i was very  much in awe of
 him1 and listened to his every         
utterance with the  most profound       
respect4 ,i thought him saintly1 and    
concluded that he  and ,god were the    
closest sort of friends1 and that the   
,deity would  not dare launch upon a    
plan for a new universe or start a new  
war  without consulting ,brother        
,jenkins4 ,but in truth he was probably 
only  under-nourished4 ,brother ,jenkins
 was a demon quoter of platitudes and   
,biblical passages2 nothing happened    
that it did not remind him of a         
quotation from the ,bible4    ,brother  
,fontaine was a plump man who would have

 been jovial and  possibly likable--that
 is giving him the benefit of a great   
doubt--if  he had not been so burdened  
by the troubles of ,god and if he had   
not  been so frightfully aware of the   
responsibilities of his position  as a  
recipient and promulgator of ,heavenly  
wisdom and commands4 ,he  officiated at 
the wedding of my sister1 principally   
because our family  belonged to his     
church and the presence of another      
preacher at the  wedding would have     
deprived ,brother ,fontaine of a goodly 
fee and made  an enemy of him for life4 
,christian charity does not function    
well when  it hits the pocketbook4 ,i   
think my sister would have preferred    
,brother  ,hickok1 but she yielded to   
public opinion and ,brother ,fontaine   
got the  job4 ,he arrived at the house  
chewing tobacco1 a habit of his which he
  disliked intensely in other men1 but  
for which he found justification  for   
himself in the belief that he walked    
with the ,lord and that it was  tacitly 

understood he was to have a little      
leeway4    ,he was excessively          
sanctimonious2 and so was his wife4 ,we 
have never  forgiven her for her        
attitude at the wedding4 ,i recall that 
she looked  suspiciously from time to   
time at the groom1 and watched the whole
  proceeding with an air that said there
 must of a necessity be something  wrong
 somewhere2 for one thing1 there was    
quite a deal of laughter in  our house  
that day1 and that in itself was a sign 
that the ,lord was  not hovering over   
the housetop4 ,immediately after the    
ceremony ,sister  ,fontaine paraded up  
front and began waving her hands back   
and forth  before my sister's face1     
shouting at the top of her lungs3       
8,praise the  ,lord1 ,sister6 ,praise   
the ,lord60 ,we gathered that she       
thought my sister  should immediately   
fall upon her knees and thank ,god that 
she had at  last acquired a husband1    
even though ,sister ,fontaine did not   
seem to  think much of him4 ,but we were

 greatly offended2 we considered it a   
reflection on our family and wholly     
uncalled for1 because my sister  was1 in
 fact1 neither old nor homely1 and she  
had had and rejected a  great many      
first-class matrimonial opportunities4  
,i had an intense dislike for ,brother  
,fontaine and his ways1 and time  has   
not softened my impression of him4 ,he  
dearly loved to be the only  man in a   
feminine gathering1 where he could make 
heavy inroads upon  the cake and ice    
cream and lay down the law to the       
adoring ,sisters4 ,i  have seldom known 
a ,preacher who was not afflicted with  
this mania1 but  in ,brother ,fontaine  
it had developed into a highly acute    
disease4 ,i  remember that he was always
 present at our house when the members  
of  the ,ladies' ,aid ,society came once
 each week for their bit of sewing for  
the heathen and to enjoy their pleasant 
afternoon of scandal4 ,he had no        
business there2 he did not sew and he   
did not contribute much to the          

symposium1 but he listened avidly and   
ate heartily4    ,it was 8,don't you    
think so1 ,brother ,fontaine80 and 8,i  
fear ,i must take  issue with you1      
,sister4 ,the ,lord provideth answers   
for all problems  affecting human       
conduct40 ,fool talk like that4    ,it  
was the practice of our ,southern       
,methodist preachers to stand at the    
door of the church after every          
performance and shake hands with the    
customers1 making such remarks as       
8,praise the ,lord1 ,sister6 ,get right 
with ,jesus1 ,brother60 ,i always       
dreaded this part of the service1 and   
several young girls told me that they   
did also4 ,all of the preachers  who did
 this1 and almost all of them did1 shook
 hands with a clammy  pressure that put 
me in mind of an oyster1 and it always  
seemed to  me that when a lady customer 
passed through the door the ,man of ,god
  invariably found it necessary to sigh4
    ,but although ,i cannot rate        
,brother ,fontaine very highly among the

  servants of the ,lord1 my younger     
brother consigned him to even lower     
depths4 ,they went fishing together     
once1 at ,brother ,fontaine's request1  
and ,fred appeared at the parsonage with
 lunch1 fishing tackle and  car fare4   
,brother ,fontaine knelt and asked      
divine guidance for the  expedition1 and
 then they boarded a trolley car and    
went to ,de ,lassus1  to fish the ,st4  
,francis ,river around ,blumeyer's      
,ford4 ,fred paid his  fare4    8,you   
must pay my fare1 too1 ,fred10 said     
,brother ,fontaine4 8,i am the          
minister40    ,so ,fred paid4 ,there was
 nothing else that he could do2 he was  
afraid  that if he did not ,brother     
,fontaine would whistle to ,god to call 
down  an avenging angel armed with      
thunderbolts and lightning4 ,then it    
developed that ,brother ,fontaine had   
brought neither lunch nor fishing       
tackle2 he had brought only himself1 and
 being a ,man of ,god that was          
sufficient4 ,perhaps he felt that since 

his influence with the ,almighty  was   
undoubtedly great enough to make the    
trip successful1 ,fred had  no right to 
expect him to bear any of the expenses  
or furnish any  equipment4 ,so he used  
,fred's tackle and ate ,fred's lunch1   
and when that  was not enough for him he
 sent ,fred a mile and a half to a      
farmhouse to  buy a bottle of milk1 for 
which ,fred paid and which the reverend 
one  guzzled without offering to share  
it4    ,throughout the whole day        
,brother ,fontaine alternately prayed   
and  fished1 but there must have been   
something wrong with his connecting     
line to ,heaven1 for he caught no fish4 
,he finally turned the tackle  over to  
,fred1 with the remark that ,fred had   
not brought the right  sort of worms1   
and with the further explanation that   
worms being ,god's  creatures as well as
 fish1 ,god probably did not want the   
fish to eat  them4 ,fred fished         
earnestly2 he was ordinarily a good and 
successful  fisherman1 and it was a     

matter of pride with him not to go home 
without a string4 ,but neither did ,fred
 catch any fish1 and he became          
increasingly annoyed at ,brother        
,fontaine4    ,the preacher apparently  
labored under the delusion that ,fred   
required  religious instruction4 ,he    
told1 several times1 the story of the   
loaves  and the fishes1 and many other  
,biblical fairy tales as well4 ,once1   
when  ,fred was anxiously watching his  
cork and felt certain that a perch was  
nibbling at his hook1 ,brother ,fontaine
 stopped him to read the ,sermon  on the
 ,mount from a ,bible which he drew from
 his pocket4 ,everything he  saw        
reminded him of something in the        
,scriptures4 ,so passed the day1 and    
when ,fred came home that night1 with no
 fish1 he ate heavily of supper  and    
then dared parental wrath by saying3    
8,no more of these damned preachers for 
me40    ,brother ,nations is probably   
,farmington's most illustrious gift to  
religion4 ,it is true that he eventually

 resigned from the ministry and  became 
,probate ,judge and ,principal of the   
,high ,school1 but he remained  a       
steadfast adherent of the ,protestant   
,god and a singularly devout and  godly 
man4 ,i presume he still is1 as he is   
the same ,gilbert ,o4 ,nations  who in  
#aibd ran for ,president as the         
candidate of what he called the         
,american party1 asking for the votes of
 the electorate on a pro-,ku ,klux      
,klan and anti-everything else platform4
 ,i am told that he is now the  editor  
of a magazine devoted to baiting the    
,catholics4    ,once when ,brother      
,nations was principal of the           
,farmington ,high ,school  he whaled me 
because ,barney ,blue and ,i had thrown 
snowballs at ,jake  ,schaeffer1 the town
 truckman4 ,i felt that the licking was 
coming to me  and ,i bore no malice2    
only the week before ,i had thrown lumps
 of coal  at ,pete ,anderson's house    
across the street and had been warned   
that the  hurling of anything at all    

would result in punishment4 ,but after  
the  thrashing was over1 ,brother       
,nations told me that throwing snowballs
  at ,jake ,schaeffer was a sin against 
,god3 that ,christ had reference to  it 
when he said3 8,let him who is without  
sin cast the first stone40 ,i  could not
 plead that ,i was without sin1 because 
it had been impressed  on me by every   
,brother and ,sister and ,preacher that 
,i met that ,i was  practically broken  
out with it4 ,but young and gullible as 
,i was1  ,brother ,nations' statement   
sounded silly4    ,i could understand   
that from ,jake ,schaeffer's viewpoint  
,i had sinned1  and grievously1 because 
,jake was stooping over when the        
snowball  struck and ,i had put a stone 
in the center of it to make the snow    
pack  tighter2 ,i was willing to admit  
that and repent4 ,but what did ,god care
  if two boys smacked snowballs against 
a soft part of ,jake's person8 ,it      
seemed to me that if ,god had been      
really interested in the matter ,he     

would have advised ,jake ,schaeffer not 
to stoop over when two boys were  abroad
 with snowballs4 ,thus ,he might have   
prevented a sin4 ,further1 if  ,god was 
as intelligent as ,i had been led to    
believe1 ,he must have known  that boys 
cannot resist the temptation to throw   
snowballs1 and since  ,he made both the 
boys and the snowballs ,he was          
responsible for the sin  committed      
against ,himself4 ,but ,brother ,nations
 appeared to believe that  ,god had     
permitted me to sin in order that ,i    
might taste the joys of  castigatory    
rebuke4 ,and ,i did4    ,brother ,hickok
 was the only ,preacher of those days to
 whom ,i gave the  slightest measure of 
respect4 ,i had a genuine admiration for
 him1 but  it was not because he was a  
,preacher or because he pretended to any
  inside knowledge of the customs of    
,heaven or the thoughts and wishes of   
,god4 ,on the contrary1 ,i have heard   
him admit that there were things in  the
 ,bible he did not understand1 and ,i   

have heard him admit that there  were   
passages in it that he did not          
particularly care for4 ,but ,i liked    
him simply because he chewed tobacco    
without any effort at concealment1  and 
played lawn tennis on the courts near   
our home1 and because ,i  suspected1    
every time ,i saw him wallop a tennis   
ball or bite a chunk  from a slab of    
plug-cut1 that he was ,wild ,bill       
,hickok in disguise4    ,about the time 
,brother ,hickok came to ,farmington ,i 
acquired a book  devoted to the         
adventures of ,wild ,bill1 ,kit ,carson1
 ,buffalo ,bill and  other heroes of the
 ,western plains1 and of them all ,i    
liked ,wild ,bill  best4 ,he seemed to  
me to be everything that a man ought to 
be4 ,he had  more notches on his gun    
than any of the others1 and it appeared 
that  he could not so much as sneeze    
without a redskin biting the dust4 ,i   
put the question of identity to ,brother
 ,hickok rather bluntly1 and  told him  
,i would respect his confidence1 but he 

denied it1 although ,i  gathered the    
impression that he was a relative of    
,wild ,bill and1 of  course1 mighty     
proud of him4 ,but ,i was not satisfied1
 and for a long  time ,i shadowed him in
 the manner set forth by ,old and ,young
 ,king ,brady  in that sterling nickel  
novel1 8,secret ,service10 hoping to    
learn his  secret4 ,however1 ,i never   
did solve the question to my own        
satisfaction4    ,but principally ,i    
admired ,brother ,hickok because he was 
the only  ,preacher ,i knew who did not 
proclaim incessantly that he was a ,man 
of  ,god and therefore entitled to the  
largest piece of pie1 and because he    
was the only one who did not seem to be 
impressed by my relationship  with      
,bishop ,asbury4 ,he didn't seem to give
 a damn about the ,bishop2 his  only    
ambition1 so far as ,i was concerned1   
was to beat me at tennis1  which he did4
 ,but from the others1 and from the     
,brothers and ,sisters1  ,i got the     
impression that the right reverend      

deceased1 seated at ,god's  right hand  
between ,jesus ,christ and ,st4 ,peter1 
perhaps crowding the  latter a bit1 had 
nothing to do but receive messages from 
the ,almighty  touching on my conduct1  
and relay them to me by whatever        
,preacher ,i  happened to meet4 ,for    
many years ,i thought that ,god and the 
,bishop had  a consultation on my case  
every night4    ,i do not think that ,i 
shall ever forget ,brother ,lincoln     
,mc,connell1  although ,i probably      
should not recognize him if ,i saw him  
to-day4  ,i hope not4 ,but for some     
eighteen long years ,i have cherished a 
compelling desire to stand him in a     
corner1 minus his band and singers  and 
his other aids to emotion1 and then bind
 and gag him4 ,after that  ,i want to   
talk to him for hours and hours1        
embellishing my remarks  with such      
florid words as ,i have acquired in     
various military and  journalistic      
enterprises1 and possibly inventing new 
ones for the  occasion4 ,he was         

responsible for the most miserable      
period of my life4  ,but it was he1 too1
 who definitely kept me from being a    
,preacher1 or  even a ,brother1 and so1 
perhaps1 ,i should thank him4 ,if he had
 let me  alone ,i might at this moment  
be calling some other preacher ,brother2
  ,i might be an intimate of ,god1 and a
 walking ,baedeker of ,heaven2 ,i  might
 even be gloating over the glories of a 
,heaven paved with gold and  populated  
by angels1 all female1 all beautiful1   
all amiable4 ,certainly  ,i should not  
be given over to a life of sin2 that is 
to say1 ,i should  not be having a      
pretty good time with this business of  
living4    ,brother ,mc,connell1 as ,i  
write1 is a pastor of a ,baptist church 
in  ,oklahoma ,city1 ,okla41 with       
occasional forays onto the ,chautauqua  
platform1 and is a potent force in the  
life of that abode of  righteousness4   
,but if reports are to be believed1     
there are even there  those who consider
 him a blight4 ,he has been the central 

figure in  several rows that have       
undoubtedly redounded to the greater    
glory of  ,god2 he tried to prevent the 
citizens of his town from seeing one of 
the best ,american plays of recent years
 because it dealt a bit too  truthfully 
with certain aspects of religious       
fanaticism1 and he erected  a radio     
broadcasting station which blanketed the
 city and forced the  population to     
listen1 willy-nilly1 to his sermons and 
his ponderous  pronouncements against   
sin4    ,i once wrote a magazine article
 in which ,i discussed a few of the     
activities of ,brother ,mc,connell1 and 
he put me in my place in an  interview  
which1 it seems to me1 shows that he has
 not changed a great  deal since the    
time that ,i first shook hands with him 
as he leaned over  the mourner's bench  
and beseeched me to give my heart to his
 ,god4 ,i  give it here4 ,it appeared in
 the ,oklahoma ,city ,news1 on ,january 
#bg1  #aibe4      8,he is a very small  
potato40 ,that was the reply of the     

,rev4 ,lincoln    ,mc,connell1 ,first   
,baptist ,church pastor4444 8,i have    
some doubt10 said    the ,rev4          
,mc,connell1 8as to whether ,i should   
feel honored or otherwise    by the     
repeated mention of my name in this     
article by ,herbert ,asbury    without  
realizing that this writer cannot       
possibly have inherited    anything more
 from his illustrious ancestry than his 
name4      8,i confess that it is rather
 surprising to me that editors of a     
magazine could attach enough importance 
to such cheap drivel as this    as to   
give it the position and the space they 
do4      8,the natural assumption is    
that they believe about religion1 the   
religion of ,christ1 what this poor     
fellow does1 and therefore1    actually 
believe that this #8weak stuff' is a    
contribution to their    cause4      8,i
 remember ,farmington1 ,mo41 very well1 
having been there about    twenty-five  
years ago4 ,i do not remember ,herbert  
,asbury at all4      8,i am not         

surprised that ,i do not1 as he must    
have been then somewhat    as he        
evidently is now--a very small          
potato--and while ,i would feel         
naturally as interested in his          
conversion as in anyone else1 at the    
same time ,i am forced to admit that it 
would not be possible for a    man of   
training and experience to list a man of
 his evident mentality    very highly1  
even though he were a professed convert 
in his meeting4      8,i am very sorry  
that he was not really converted4 ,if   
the ,editor of    the ,american ,mercury
 cares for things of a really           
constructive    nature1 ,i can give him 
the life story of thousands of men and  
women    whom because of the genuineness
 of their conversion to ,christ in my   
own meetings1 have given to the world   
characters of such beauty and    worth  
as have reflected credit upon themselves
 and their church and    have proved a  
blessing to society at large4      8,i  
have never asked people to stand up if  

they want to go to ,heaven4    ,i think 
that very ridiculous40      #f    ,it   
was these people who taught me of ,god1 
and who had dominion over  my spiritual 
welfare6 ,and not only did they instruct
 me to worship  their conception of     
,him2 they threatened me with eternal   
damnation  if ,i didn't1 and with even  
more horrible punishment if ,i ventured 
to  cast doubt upon the truth and       
holiness of the ,bible4 ,eternal        
damnation  meant that ,i should1 in the 
life to come1 hang throughout eternity  
on  a revolving spit over a great fire  
in the deepest pit of ,hell1 while      
little red devils jabbed white-hot      
pokers into my quivering flesh and      
,satan stood by and curled his lip in   
glee4 ,i received the impression  that  
,satan was the only one actively        
concerned with religion who was  ever   
permitted to laugh4 ,god was not1 nor   
,his disciples1 and that ,satan  could  
and apparently did was sufficient proof 
that laughter was wicked4    ,and they  

described ,god to me1 and told me in    
minute detail of the  architectural     
design of ,heaven and the furnishings of
 the ,mansions  in the ,sky4 ,i do not  
know where they obtained their          
information4 ,i  gathered that ,god was 
an old man who wore a long white        
nightgown and  boasted a luxuriant      
growth of whiskers1 with a disposition  
compounded  of the snarls of a wounded  
wildcat and the pleasant conceits of a  
must elephant4 ,he chewed               
tobacco--perhaps that impression was due
  to the fact that so many of our       
preachers were addicted to the vile     
weed--and ,he had an enormous head which
 contained an eye for every  person on  
earth1 and this eye was constantly upon 
its object4 ,and it  was a vindictive   
and jaundiced eye1 peering into the     
innermost depths  of the soul and the   
mind and the heart for some thought or  
feeling that  might call for punishment4
    ,the descriptions of ,heaven and the
 physical appearance of the angels      

varied somewhat1 according to whether   
the tale was told by a preacher  or a   
,brother1 or a ,sister4 ,but all of them
 talked with gusto of streets  paved    
with gold and of clouds lined with      
silver1 of magnificent  buildings       
constructed of precious stones1 and of  
angels sitting on  the clouds with no   
worthier purpose in life than strumming 
a golden  harp1 protected from the      
weather by no more substantial raiment  
than  a white nightgown1 a halo and a   
pair of sandals4 ,and whoever told the  
tale1 there was always that underlying  
idea of sybaritic magnificence2  ,heaven
 bore no resemblance to the lowly stable
 in which the founder  of their religion
 was born1 and it was not a somber      
retreat for the  further development of 
the soul and the cultivation of those   
virtues  that are lost sight of upon the
 earth4 ,as it was described to me in my
  youth1 and as it is still described on
 those rare occasions when ,i can  bring
 myself to hold converse with a         

,preacher1 ,heaven was a celestial      
reproduction of the palace of a         
,babylonian monarch4 ,nobody worked1 and
  ,god's ,house abounded with gold and  
silver and rubies and diamonds1  and on 
every cloud that rolled down the street 
was a beautiful woman1  eternally young 
and amiable4 ,the ,heaven that ,i was   
taught to aspire to  was a motion       
picture set on an even grander scale    
than the creations of  ,cecil ,de       
,mille4    ,but even more emphasis was  
placed1 in these tales1 on feminine     
virginity4 ,it seemed that ,heaven was  
filled with virgins2 ,i have never      
heard a ,preacher describe an angel     
without mentioning the fact that the    
angel was a virgin1 and ,i have never   
heard a ,preacher describe ,mary  simply
 as the mother of ,jesus4 ,she is always
 the ,virgin ,mother1 and  he pronounces
 it all in capitals4 ,even as a boy ,i  
was impressed with  the frequency with  
which the word 8virgin0 appeared in the 
discourses  of our ,pastor and in the   

lectures so freely bestowed upon me by  
the  ,brothers4 ,it seemed to me that   
the word fascinated them2 although ,i   
might be trembling with fear that ,god  
would strike me dead because ,i  had not
 learned my ,sunday-school lesson or had
 forgotten the ,golden  ,text1 ,i was so
 impressed that ,i found time to wonder 
at the enthusiasm  with which they      
mouthed it4    ,it seemed impossible for
 ,preachers or devout ,brothers to say  
8virgin0  as casually as they did other 
words2 they gloated over it1 toyed with 
it1 rolled it about their tongues and   
tasted the full flavor of it  before it 
slid drippingly from their lips with an 
amazing clarity of  pronunciation4      
,usually they accompanied it with a     
doleful sigh4 ,i  thought then that the 
sigh was from excess of piety1 and ,i   
thought that  their eyes shone and their
 breath came a little faster from the   
same  cause1 that these things were     
possibly manifestations of ,god1 and ,i 
was  greatly impressed4 ,but ,i am older

 now and ,i know better4    ,when ,i    
became old enough to understand what was
 meant by virginity1  and to understand 
that it was something more than a badge 
of the  angels1 ,i understood also many 
other things that had hitherto been     
mysteries4 ,i knew then what was in the 
mind of one of the ,brothers1 an        
extraordinarily devout man with an      
astounding knowledge of the wishes  of  
,god and the manners and customs of     
,heaven1 when he stopped me on the      
street one day and asked me what1 if    
anything1 had happened on a recent  hay 
ride to ,blumeyer's ,ford and back by   
members of our social set4    8,did the 
boys and girls sit close together80 he  
asked4    8,yes1 sir4 ,we had to4 ,we   
were on a hay wagon40    8,did you boys 
sit right up against them80    ,i told  
him we did1 and in my youthful innocence
 ,i remarked that ,i had  been compelled
 to sit so close to one girl that we    
could hardly tell  our legs apart4 ,the 
old man drew a sharp breath1 sighed and 

his eyes  glistened4 ,he repeated the   
word 8legs0 with gusto1 he gloated over 
it1  and then he said3    8,you sat so  
close to her that your legs touched8    
,your leg touched hers8  ,your leg was  
right up against her80    8,yes1 sir4 ,i
 had to40    8,the leg of a young       
virgin60 mused the old devil4 8,that was
 wicked4 ,it  is wicked to think of the 
legs of a virgin4 ,god will punish you40
    ,he went away muttering to himself4 
,i was disgusted1 not at his ideas1     
because ,i had practically the same     
thought about virgins that he did1  and 
so did most of the other boys of the    
town1 but at his manner4 ,here  was an  
old man who had set himself up as a     
mundane representative of  the ,lord1   
who told me whom to worship and how to  
worship ,him1 who held  daily communion 
with ,god and received messages from    
,him touching on  my conduct1 gloating  
and trembling because a boy had sat with
 his leg  against the leg of a girl in  
the forced confinement of a hay ride4   

,god  knows what is happening to him if 
he is alive in these days of short      
skirts and silk stockings4    ,another  
of our ,brothers1 a very prominent      
member of one of our  ,protestant       
churches1 kept a store in the business  
district not far from  the ,court       
,house4 ,he was waiting on a customer   
the day that the first  woman to ride   
astride in our town cantered down       
,columbia ,street1 and  his performance 
was a town scandal for many years4 ,he  
caught a glimpse  of the girl through   
the window1 and he abandoned his        
customer and  rushed to the street1 in  
company with half the county officials  
who  had been dozing with their feet on 
their desks1 and all of the town        
loafers4 ,the ,brother followed her for 
several blocks1 missing no detail  of   
her costume1 which was rather bizarre   
and daring for those days1 and  then he 
went back to his store and his customer4
    ,he stood for a while wrapped in    
contemplation4    8,she was riding like 

a man60 he said4 8,her legs--her        
legs----0    ,my experiences in these   
matters1 of course1 were principally    
with  ,preachers and ,brothers1 but ,i  
had occasional contacts with the        
,sisters4  ,they1 too1 described ,god   
and ,heaven1 but they did not conceive  
,god as  being quite so old and feeble  
as the ,being worshipped by the         
,brothers1  and for the most part they  
populated ,heaven with handsome1        
stalwart  young men1 presumably virgins4
 ,i recall one exceedingly devout       
,sister  who expressed the belief that  
there were no female angels in ,heaven1 
and ,i have heard her praying with      
extraordinary fervor to ,god1 in        
effect1 to make an exception in her     
case4 ,whether she was justified in     
this optimistic opinion of herself ,i   
never knew1 but ,i assume that she  and 
the other ,sisters1 in their discussion 
of the virginity of angels1  experienced
 the same sort of vicarious pleasure    
that seemed to mean so  much to the     

,preachers and the ,brothers4      #g   
,i did not go to many camp meetings2    
ours was not a camp-meeting  country4   
,we went in more for protracted         
meetings1 and for the stirring  revivals
 of professional evangelists1 held in   
comfortable church  buildings4 ,usually 
,i went to camp meeting only because    
some girl in  whom ,i was interested had
 to go4 ,but they were very popular with
 a  certain type of young man about     
,farmington1 who knew that religious    
emotion is very akin to secular emotion2
 the line of demarcation is  very thin1 
and most men who have been around       
religious women very  much know that one
 emotion can quickly be transformed into
 the other4  ,young girls are much      
easier prey after they have been        
overwhelmed by  religion1 their nerves  
upset and their brains whirling with    
emotion1  and they are then easily      
persuaded that the ,lord will forgive1  
even  though ,his earthly agents will   
not4 ,of course such a statement could  

not be proven1 but it is quite likely   
that more seductions have  occurred at  
camp meetings1 and en route to and from 
them1 than on  all the front porches and
 lawn swings that were ever             
manufactured1  although in ,farmington  
for many years a lawn swing was regarded
 as a  lure of ,hell4 ,even while the   
service was in progress the buggies     
around  the meeting tent were filled    
with men and women petting1 or1 as we   
called it then1 spooning4    ,strange   
things happened at these camp meetings1 
and at the other  gatherings as well1   
when a forthright religionist saw the   
light4 ,at one  such holy conclave an   
old woman1 for many years a thorn in the
 flesh of  the godly1 suddenly bounced  
to her feet and shouted3    8,praise the
 ,lord6 ,my corn hurts6 ,praise the     
,lord60    ,and this1 because it        
embodied physical suffering and a great 
deal of  mental torture as well1 was    
accepted as an infallible sign that ,god
 had  at last entered her soul4 ,she had

 been converted1 and all the rest of    
her life she was a prying1 sanctimonious
 old pest4 ,she used to stop me  on the 
street and inquire as to the condition  
of my soul1 and ask me  whether ,i said 
my prayers at night1 and whether ,i read
 the ,bible1 and  she would grab me by  
the arm and pinch me and demand the     
,golden ,text  of the last              
,sunday-school lesson4 ,and if by any   
chance ,i had forgotten  or did not     
know1 she scolded me and predicted dire 
things for me in  the life to come4     
,incidentally1 she knew all about the   
life to come2  it seems that ,god had   
appeared to her in a vision1 and had    
described  ,heaven to her4    ,at all of
 these meetings extraordinary efforts   
were made to ensnare the  children and  
convert them to ,christianity2 the      
workers for the ,lord  were not at all  
concerned with the fact that the        
children did not know  what it was all  
about1 that they had no opportunity to  
choose their own  religion1 and with the

 further and obvious fact that they     
succumbed to  nothing but fright and a  
great surge of emotion4 ,that method    
persists4  ,the ,church still obtains   
its converts by noise and appeals to    
primitive  emotion1 and by threats1     
rather than by intelligently implanting 
a true  and deep-seated conception of   
,god and the heavenly wonders4 ,but to  
the  religionists a convert is a        
convert1 no matter how obtained2 ,i have
  known boys to be thrashed because they
 would not profess religion4    ,as with
 the ,catholic ,church1 the unspoken and
 always denied slogan of  the           
,methodists and of the other ,protestant
 sects is 8,catch 'em while  they're    
young10 but unlike the ,catholics the   
,protestants cannot hold  them4 ,for one
 thing1 they do not put on a good enough
 show2 they do not  understand lighting1
 and they have no uniforms and no ,latin
 chanters4 ,a  ,catholic priest covered 
by a surplice or what not1 and his voice
 rising  and falling sonorously in the  

chanting of a bit of ,latin1 is a very  
impressive spectacle1 and his appearance
 lends dignity to his words4  ,the      
gentle stare that most of them wear is  
also effective4 ,as soon as  an embryo  
,methodist becomes intelligent enough to
 visualize the sort  of ,heaven that the
 ,brothers are preparing for him1 he    
shudders and  forthwith goes to the     
,devil1 while the ,catholics fill their 
converts  with such fear of ,god and the
 ,pope1 or the ,pope and ,god1 to put   
them  in the order of their importance1 
that very few get away4 ,a renegade     
,catholic is almost as rare as a        
,methodist ,preacher who does not think 
he is sprouting wings1 and that his     
voice is truly the ,voice of ,god4      
,a ,,bad ,,boy ,,comes ,,to ,,jesus     
#a    ,it is clear1 then1 that not only 
was my ancestral background religious1  
but that ,i lived in an atmosphere heavy
 with religious feeling4  ,religion and 
the ,church dominated the whole of my   
early life4 ,among all  of my relatives 

,i do not recall one whose home was not 
oppressed1 and  whose life was not made 
miserable and fretful1 by the terrible  
fear of  a relentless ,god whose        
principal occupation seemed to be       
snooping about  searching for someone to
 punish4 ,religion was poured down my   
throat  in doses that strangled me and  
made me sick of soul4 ,there was simply 
too much of it4 ,god was fed to me      
morning1 noon and night1 and ,he did    
not taste good2 ,i was hounded from     
pillar to post by a pack of baying1     
sanctimonious hypocrites beseeching me  
to get right with ,jesus1 and to  read  
and believe that collection of ,hebrew  
fairy tales called the ,bible4    ,i    
came finally to think of ,god as ,i did 
of castor oil1 and the flavor  that ,he 
left in my mouth was just as frightful4 
,he and ,his religion  were personified 
by the dour-faced men and women who went
 sliding  about the town2 rubbing their 
hands together1 scraping the skin from  
their souls but not from their palms4   

,they were irritatingly gentle1  and    
they sighed soulfully and mouthed       
platitudes with enormous gusto2  they   
called each other ,brother and ,sister  
and poked their messy1  prying fingers  
into every bit of fun that anybody tried
 to have2  they fed their little        
shriveled souls with scandal and smeared
 dirt  over everything that was amusing4
 ,they regarded all young men as        
professional seducers1 and for the      
greater glory of ,god ruined the        
reputations of young girls who went     
buggy-riding and seemed to enjoy        
it--and nothing can be so completely and
 irrevocably ruined as the  reputation  
of a young girl in a small town4    ,but
 despite the feelings of disgust and    
revolt which the labors of  these       
servants of the ,lord evoked in me1 ,i  
did not definitely align  myself on the 
side of the non-believers and the       
sinners until after ,i  had been        
8converted40 ,i began on that night to  
hate the ,church and its  religion1 and 

all of its prying1 messy hypocrisy and  
sanctimony4 ,and  especially ,i hated   
the preachers and the ,brothers and     
,sisters4 ,i still  do2 they give me a  
pain in the neck4 ,i felt that ,i had   
been betrayed2 ,i  knew that the spirit 
of ,god was not working in me1 but ,i   
was told that  it was and dared to deny 
it4 ,i was told that ,i must 8get right 
with  the ,lord10 whatever that may be4 
,i felt that the ,brothers and ,sisters 
and the evangelist had taken an unfair  
advantage of my emotions2 there  was a  
band at the revival1 and under the      
influence of music ,i will do  anything4
 ,it compelled me to do something that  
,i did not want to do2 it  humiliated me
 in my own eyes1 and nothing that has   
ever happened to me  since has made me  
so miserable and ashamed4    ,i had     
reached the ripe old age of fourteen or 
fifteen when the hand of  the ,lord1    
operating through the agency of ,brother
 ,mc,connell and a horde  of wailing    
,brothers and ,sisters with religious   

fervor breaking out upon  them like     
boils1 reached out and plucked me from  
the burning4 ,but it  was not their     
fault that ,i had not been converted    
earlier2 they had  tried often enough4  
,one of my earliest recollections is of 
a ,preacher  asking me why ,i did not   
profess religion and join the ,church1  
and why  ,i had not given my heart to   
,god1 as he called it4 ,i was           
occasionally  singled out at protracted 
meetings and at revivals and made the   
object  of special prayers1 but until   
,brother ,mc,connell came with his      
improved  technique and circus methods  
,i had always held out4      #b    ,my  
own church1 of course1 was the ,southern
 ,methodist1 but the revival  meeting at
 which ,i was converted was a union     
gathering in the ,northern  ,methodist  
edifice1 which was about a block from   
,braun's saloon and  an even shorter    
distance from the county jail4 ,we      
called it the ,rock  church because it  
was constructed largely of granite      

blocks4 ,its  members were considered   
good enough people in their way1 but    
they were  hardly among the socially    
elect1 for many of them lived south of  
the  ,post ,office among the ,catholics 
and the ,lutherans1 and in some circles 
it was suspected that they held1 at     
times1 intercourse with the ,devil4     
,nevertheless1 they were ,methodists and
 ,christians and first-class            
politicians1 and by this time they have 
probably assumed control of the  town4  
,all of the ,protestant congregations of
 ,farmington chipped in to pay  the #fjj
 demanded by ,brother ,mc,connell for   
his week's work for the  ,lord4 ,this   
was a goodly fee1 but it was not        
considered exorbitant1  as ,brother     
,mc,connell was a professional          
devil-chaser with a national            
reputation1 and it was felt that he1 if 
anyone1 could put ,farmington on  the   
right side of the heavenly ledger4      
,there was considerable rivalry  among  
our good people as to who should        

entertain the evangelist and pay  for   
his fried chicken and other delicacies1 
and ,i do not recall who  finally drew  
the plum4 ,but the family whose bed and 
board he graced  was considered very    
fortunate2 it had practically assured   
itself of  ultimate salvation1 since the
 emissaries of the ,devil would not dare
 to  invade such a sanctuary of ,god4   
,brother ,mc,connell was an             
extraordinarily agile man4 ,throughout  
his  service1 and particularly after the
 collection had been taken up and  found
 to be good1 he bounded back and forth  
about the pulpit1 chasing  the ,devil   
hither and yon1 shaking his hair from   
his eyes1 sweating at  every pore and   
roaring charges about dens of evil that 
,i1 for one1 was  never able to find in 
,farmington1 although ,i headed several 
exploring  parties4 ,he dealt largely in
 that sort of goods2 to him1 and to most
 of  the other preachers that ,i recall1
 morality and goodness were nothing  but
 chastity1 and they never let an        

opportunity pass to insinuate that  the 
finest men in our town whiled away their
 idle hours with scarlet  women4 ,their 
insinuations1 of course1 had no basis in
 fact2 to my  knowledge there was but   
one professional scarlet woman in town1 
and  there simply was not time4         
,however1 there were1 to be sure1       
amateurs4    ,the church was crowded on 
the night ,i was told that ,jesus had   
taken  possession of my soul4 ,i sat    
about the middle of the center section  
with my elder brother1 a phlegmatic boy 
who was also converted but  who would   
never talk much about it1 while across  
the aisle were my  sister and my younger
 brother4 ,every few moments the        
evangelist would  stop shouting and sink
 back into his chair1 gasping1 wiping   
his brow  and breaking into sobs as he  
bowed his head in a prayer that came in 
a throaty mumble from his lips4 ,here   
and there throughout the house  was an  
echoing gasp and a strangled sob1       
utterances of tortured and  frightened  

souls about to be swirled into a great  
wave of religious  frenzy4 ,and standing
 in the aisle and about the pulpit were 
,brothers  and ,sisters1 experienced    
revival workers1 eager retrievers for   
the  ,lord1 their faces flushed with    
emotion and their eagle eyes roving the 
congregation in quest of just such      
persons4    ,the instant the evangelist 
sat down1 his band leader popped up like
  a trained seal1 and from the band and 
the augmented choir poured the  lilting 
measures of a hymn4      ,oh1 that will 
be    ,glory for me6    ,glory for me1  
,yes1 glory for me6      ,when by ,his  
grace      ,i shall look on ,his face1  
,that will be glory1    ,yes1 glory for 
me6    ,the first hymn was usually      
something of this sort1 a tune with a   
swing  to it1 to get the congregation   
swaying in rhythm1 and to attract the   
uncertain sinners lounging about the    
door and looking in1 unable to  decide  
whether or not to enter4 ,usually they  
came in after hearing  8,glory0 and a   

song or two like 8,bringing in the      
,sheaves0 and 8,jesus1  ,lover of ,my   
,soul40 ,later the choir swung into the 
doleful songs like  8,rock of ,ages0 and
 8,nearer1 ,my ,god1 to ,thee40 ,the    
emotional appeal  was terrific2 after   
the first hymn or two the audience      
joined1  bellowing the words with       
fanatical fervor4 ,murmurs began to     
arise as  the evangelist alternately    
talked and prayed1 and then suddenly the
  music stopped1 the preacher shut off  
his talk and for an instant there  was a
 silence4 ,it was theatrical hokum1 but 
effective as always4 ,then  ,brother    
,mc,connell leaped and lunged to the    
front of the pulpit1 his  eyes glaring  
and his hair streaming down before his  
eyes4 ,he flung his  arms wide4         
8,come to ,jesus60 he shouted4          
8,brothers6 ,sisters6 ,come to ,jesus60 
,he stood there trembling1 imploring the
 sinners to abandon their  hellish      
lives1 and the choir boomed into song3  
,lives there a friend like the lowly    

,jesus8    ,no1 not one6    ,no1 not    
one6    ,all over the church now there  
were cries of ecstatic agony as the     
victims writhed in emotional torture1   
and after a little while people  began  
jumping to their feet and shouting3     
8,glory6 ,glory to ,god6 ,hallelujah60  
,the noise was deafening4 ,people were  
shouting in every part of the  audience1
 they were weeping and moaning4 ,one old
 woman jumped to her  feet1 climbed onto
 her seat and began to yell3    8,i see 
,jesus6 ,i see ,jesus6 ,i see ,jesus60  
,she repeated it over and over again1   
8,i see ,jesus60 and finally she        
collapsed into her seat1 mumbling and   
weeping4 ,the evangelist took up  the   
cry4 ,he roared back and forth across   
the pulpit1 shaking his hands  above his
 head1 calling on ,god to damn the      
sinners4 ,his whole body  quivered and  
he screamed at the top of his voice3    
8,jesus is in this house6 ,come to      
,jesus6 ,give your heart to ,god60      
,and above the roar of his voice and the

 rumble of the seething  congregation   
rose the music4 ,it ebbed and flowed1 it
 beat against the  rafters and rebounded
 from the floor1 always that regular    
beat of a  hymn1 like tom-toms in the   
jungles of ,hayti4 ,many of the choir   
members  sang hysterically1 their voices
 rising on the high notes into veritable
  shrieks1 but there was no change in   
the steady thunder of the organ or  the 
wail of the violin1 and there was no    
escaping the emotional effect  of the   
song3      8,bringing in the sheaves1   
,bringing in the sheaves1    ,we shall  
come rejoicing1    ,bringing in the     
sheaves40    ,then there was testimony4 
,old skinflints who had devoted their   
lives  to cheating their neighbors1 old 
women whose gossiping and backbiting    
were the talk of the town1 hopped into  
the aisles and told how1 at  some       
previous meeting1 ,god had entered their
 hearts and made them pure  and holy4   
,their voices rose to shrieks2 they grew
 red in the face from  the fervor of    

their shouts1 and one old man who had   
only that day  cheated half a dozen men 
in a real-estate deal stood in the aisle
 with  his hands raised toward ,heaven  
and wept bitterly over the sins of the  
world4 ,tears streamed down their faces1
 and many who had only a few  hours     
before dumped sand in the sugar groaned 
loudly in sympathetic  torment1 and     
shouted 8,amen1 ,brother6 ,amen60    ,by
 this time ,brother ,mc,connell's collar
 hung limp about his neck1 but  his     
passion for the ,lord was unchecked4 ,he
 stopped the testimony when  it appeared
 that everybody in the church wanted to 
say something2 there  was another hymn  
and he began calling for converts4 ,he  
shouted that we  were all wicked sinners
 and must come to ,jesus4    8,all who  
want to go to ,heaven stand up60        
,naturally1 everybody stood up4 ,he told
 them to sit down2 they obeyed1  for he 
held them in the hollow of his hand4    
8,all ,christians stand up60            
,everybody stood up except my sister1   

and as ,i think things over after  the  
lapse of years ,i know that was what    
first caused me to suspect that  she    
was1 and is1 a remarkably intelligent   
woman4 ,she said afterward  that she    
resented ,brother ,mc,connell's         
holier-than-thou attitude1 and  thought 
he was an old windbag4 ,she could not   
swallow his repeated  assertion that he 
was a representative of ,god1 and that  
the ,lord  had sent him to gather       
,farmington into the fold4 ,she had1    
better  than anyone else there1 control 
over her emotions2 she could not be     
stampeded4 ,but for several years       
thereafter she was the target of a      
great deal of missionary zeal2 even the 
,catholics tried their hands  with her  
after it had become obvious that she    
would not subscribe to  the beliefs of  
the ,methodists1 but all of it was      
unsuccessful4 ,they  could not feaze her
 even when they pointed her out as 8that
 ,asbury girl  who wouldn't say she was 
a ,christian40    ,half the men and     

women in the church were sobbing while  
the band  played1 the choir sang its    
dismal tunes and ,brother ,mc,connell   
swayed  back and forth in the pulpit and
 pleaded with them to get right with    
,god and confess their sins4    8,oh1   
,brothers1 come to ,jesus60 he cried4   
8,let ,god enter your heart this  night6
 ,give your heart to ,jesus60    ,at the
 beginning of the moaning and groaning  
the ,brothers and ,sisters  who were to 
act as procurers for the ,lord scattered
 over the church1  and as the services  
went on they picked out the ones who    
seemed to be  most upset emotionally and
 therefore ripest for glory4 ,they hung 
over  these poor creatures1 sniveling   
down their necks1 exulting in their     
misery1 exhorting them to march down the
 aisle and see ,god4 ,these  ,brothers  
and ,sisters1 of course1 had been       
converted many years before  and were   
,o4,k4 with the ,lord4    8,oh1         
,brother60 they pleaded4 8,come to      
glory6 ,give your heart to ,jesus6      

,jesus died that you might be saved6 ,he
 died on the cross for you6  ,brother1  
come to ,jesus60    ,and so on ad       
nauseam1 with their continual repetition
 of ,jesus and  glory1 glory and ,jesus4
 ,there was no attempt at sensible      
argument1 no  effort to show the        
prospective converts that the ,christian
 religion was  better than the          
,mohammedan religion or the religion of 
,zoroaster2 there  was nothing but a    
continual hammering at emotional        
weaknesses4 ,and  finally the bewildered
 brains of the victims sagged under the 
strain  and they stumbled into the      
aisles and were hauled and shoved and   
pushed  down to the mourners' bench1 and
 presumably into the presence of ,god as
  embodied in ,his earthly              
representative1 ,brother ,lincoln       
,mc,connell4      #c    ,i was fair game
 for them4 ,there was hardly anybody in 
the church who  did not know how        
emotional and how excitable ,i was1 and 
how music  affected me4 ,why1 ,i used to

 be thrilled over the way ,i myself     
played  the violin1 and have been known 
to hang entranced over a tune of my  own
 composition6 ,even before the services 
began ,i saw that many of the  ,brothers
 and ,sisters had spotted me and were   
only waiting the proper  moment to      
pounce upon me1 and when the call for   
converts came as many  of them as could 
get near me pleaded and begged and      
cajoled2 they  scrambled and almost     
fought in their eagerness to ensnare    
such a prime  morsel for the ,lord4     
,they could have worked no more         
furiously if ,god  had been keeping the 
score4 ,they screeched at me that now   
was the time  to see ,jesus1 that ,god  
was waiting impatiently for me to be    
converted4    ,some of them even        
threatened4 ,they painted horrible      
pictures of ,hell2  they told me that   
unless ,i went down the aisle and       
confessed my  sins and asked ,god to    
forgive me ,i would sizzle and burn and 
scorch  forevermore4 ,one old woman1 her

 face working with fanatical fury1      
screamed at me that ,i was holding up   
the salvation of my whole family2  that 
my father and my mother and my sisters  
and brothers would not  go to ,heaven   
unless ,i professed religion2 she       
shouted that ,satan was  waiting outside
 the church to lead me into the depths  
of ,hell and light  a fire under my     
immortal soul4 ,the whole crew pushed   
and tugged and  hauled at me2 one       
,brother got hold of my arm and tried to
 drag me into  the aisle1 yelling 8,come
 to ,jesus6 ,jesus is calling for you60 
,and up on the platform ,brother        
,mc,connell was rampaging to and fro1   
working himself into a frenzy1 shouting 
that 8,jesus wants you60 and  above the 
roar of the ,christian workers and the  
moans of the victims  rose the wailing  
whine of a violin played off key1 the   
thunder of the  organ and the           
emotion-filled voices of the choir4     
8,rock of ,ages1 cleft for me1    ,let  
me hide myself in thee60    ,by this    

time ,i was crying2 ,i did not want to  
go to ,hell1 and ,i was  horribly afraid
 of the ,devil1 and ,i was not old      
enough to realize what  was being done  
to me4 ,yet something kept telling me   
that ,i should not  do this thing2 that 
it was all a mockery and a fraud4 ,i    
know now1 and  ,i knew soon after that  
night1 that the music was what was the  
matter  with me1 not religion4 ,i did   
not see ,jesus1 and ,i never have4 ,it  
was  that slow music2 that doleful1     
wailing chant of the hymns4 ,i couldn't 
withstand it4 ,i never could4 ,in the   
army ,i used to go to all of the        
funerals because ,i got such a terrific 
kick out of the funeral march  and the  
sliding tramp of troops marching at     
half-step4    ,but ,i was doomed4 ,it   
was in the cards that my self-respect   
was to be  stripped from me and that ,i 
was to be emotionally butchered to make 
a  religious holiday4 ,they dragged and 
hauled at me until ,i was in the  aisle1
 and then they got behind me and urged  

me forward4 ,one old  woman leaped ahead
 of us and performed a war dance that   
would have  done credit to a frenzied   
worshiper of ,voodoo4 ,and as she       
pranced and  cavorted she screamed3     
8,a bad boy is coming to ,jesus60       
,others were going down too1 shepherded 
by the hard-working ,brothers  and      
,sisters1 and as they reached the bench 
,brother ,mc,connell reached  forward   
and grabbed their hands4 ,for each one  
he shouted 8,praise the  ,lord6 ,another
 sinner come to ,jesus60 and then he    
gave the sinner  an expert shove that   
catapulted him into the hands of a      
waiting  ,brother who immediately knelt 
with him and prayed4 ,the team work was 
magnificent4 ,i tried to hang back1 but 
the band began playing again4  ,the     
thunderous cadences of 8,nearer1 ,my    
,god1 to ,thee10 pealed from the  organ1
 and ,i couldn't stand it4 ,i was being 
torn to pieces emotionally1  and ,i     
staggered and stumbled down the aisle1  
sobbing1 hardly able to  stand4 ,they   

thought it was religion1 and the        
,brothers and ,sisters who  were pushing
 and shoving me shouted ecstatically    
that ,god had me2  it was obvious that  
,i was suffering1 and suffering has     
always been  accepted as a true sign of 
holiness4    ,but it was not ,god and it
 was not religion4 ,it was the music4   
,behind  me came my brother1 sedately1  
as he always did things4 ,he went calmly
  to join the godly2 for him there was  
no pushing and no pulling2 when  he saw 
me being dragged into the aisle he      
simply got to his feet  and followed4 ,i
 have always suspected that he went     
along merely to  take care of me2       
frequently he did that4 ,he was         
continually fighting  my battles1 and if
 he did not like the nicknames that the 
other  boys fastened onto me1 he        
protested so fiercely that the name was 
transferred to his shoulders4 ,they     
tried to call me 8,cat0 for some        
obscure reason when ,i was a boy1 and my
 brother did not like it2 and to  this  

day he is 8,cat0 ,asbury in ,farmington4
    ,brother ,mc,connell grabbed my hand
 and shook it clammily when ,i reached  
the mourners' bench1 and ,i was shoved  
into a seat4 ,immediately a  ,brother   
plopped down beside me1 an old man whom 
,i had known all  my life1 and who ,i   
knew perfectly well was an old skinflint
 and a  hypocrite1 a ,sunday ,christian4
 ,he put his arm around my shoulders and
  began to pray1 crying down my neck and
 shouting that another soul  had been   
saved1 calling on the ,lord to witness  
the good work that he  was doing4 ,i    
half expected him to say3 8,give me     
credit1 ,god2 give me  credit60 ,and all
 the time ,i was wishing to ,god that   
the band would stop  playing2 my nerves 
were being shattered by the constant and
 steady beat  of the hymns1 and the     
penetrating wail of the violin and the  
thunder of  the organ4    ,and at last  
it did stop4 ,there was silence in the  
church1 except that  here and there     
someone was writhing and moaning4 ,but  

the shouting had  ceased4 ,brother      
,mc,connell had his benches full1 all of
 his workers had  each a convert to work
 upon1 and he decided to call it a day  
and save  whatever sinners remained in  
the congregation for another night4 ,so 
printed cards were passed around1 which 
we were to sign1 indicating the  church 
we would join4 ,then the evangelist said
 for all of us who had  been baptized to
 sit down4 ,my brother and ,i sat down4 
,with no music to upset me ,i began to  
think1 and the more ,i thought1 the     
angrier ,i got4 ,i was ashamed2 ,i      
boiled with fury and ,i wanted to smash 
the ,brothers and ,sisters in their smug
 faces4 ,but ,i was just a boy and  ,i  
was afraid4 ,it was at this point that  
my younger brother came down  the aisle 
and tapped me on the shoulder4          
8,hey60 he said4 8,mary said to stand   
up2 you haven't been baptized60    8,you
 tell her10 ,i said1 8to go to hell60   
,luckily none of the ,brothers and      
,sisters heard me1 so ,i escaped special

  prayers4 ,i signed my card1 agreeing  
to become a member of the ,southern     
,methodist church1 and soon afterward ,i
 was released4 ,my sister and my  two   
brothers went home1 but ,i sneaked away 
and went down to the ,post  ,office1    
where ,i found another boy whose        
influence with a bartender was          
sufficient to get us a drink4 ,i went   
with him to a saloon not far from  the  
old ,grand ,leader building1 and there  
,i had my first drink1 a gin  rickey1   
and when the bartender would not sell me
 another ,i gave a ,negro  cart-driver a
 half-dollar and he bought me a bottle  
of squirrel whisky  which ,i consumed in
 the vacant lot behind the ,odd         
,fellows' ,hall4 ,i got  gloriously     
drunk1 and about three o'clock in the   
morning ,i staggered  home and up the   
stairs to the room which ,i shared with 
my brother4 ,i  awakened him1 trying to 
undress1 and he asked3    8,what's the  
matter with you80    8,hell's fire1     
,emmett60 ,i replied4 8,i've got        

religion40    ,i went to the preacher's 
house the next day so ,brother ,jenkins 
could  sprinkle holy water upon my head 
and mumble a prayer1 and later1 having  
thus been baptized1 ,i joined the       
church1 but ,i joined with my tongue  in
 my cheek and a sneer in my heart4 ,i   
have never seen anything in any  church 
since that would impel me to remove     
either my tongue or the  sneer4 ,and    
when ,i admitted publicly that ,i had   
been converted and was  now a good and  
faithful servant of the ,methodist ,god1
 ,i said to myself3  8,over the left40  
,that was our way of saying3 8,i am like
 hell60          ,,notes ,,on ,a        
,,sainted ,,relative      #a    ,i went 
downtown the next morning after ,i had  
become a certified one  hundred per     
cent4 convert1 and was met by swarms of 
,brothers and  ,sisters who overwhelmed 
me with congratulations1 and regaled me 
with tales of their own experiences when
 they saw ,god1 and of the  temptations 
that the ,devil would now prepare for   

me4 ,it seemed that ,i  was not yet     
safe2 ,i had1 so far as they knew1      
accepted ,god and was one  of ,his      
chosen children1 although not a ,jew1   
but ,he would still permit  ,satan to   
have his way with me upon occasion4 ,i  
was instructed to walk  humbly and with 
downcast eyes1 not daring to look up    
lest ,i be led into  sin4 ,the          
,brothers1 gloating the while1 seemed   
especially anxious that  the handsome   
young virgins of the town should not    
induce me to tread  the scarlet paths of
 wickedness2 the ,sisters were more     
concerned with  the ,drink ,demon1 and  
the evils of playing cards and dancing4 
,one ,sister  stopped me in front of    
,morris ,brothers' store and1 beating   
time with  her hand1 lifted her voice in
 song3      8,yield not to temptation1  
,for yielding is sin40    ,and so on4   
,nearly all of them seemed to be        
obsessed by the conviction that at last 
,i had done something to justify my     
ancestry2 that ,bishop ,asbury had      

looked down from the ,heavenly ,mansions
 upon ,brother ,mc,connell's revival    
meeting and had approved the manner in  
which my conversion had been  brought   
about4    8,the ,bishop is proud of you 
to-day1 ,herbie10 said one devout       
,brother  who sold shoddy clothing at   
high prices4 8,last night was a great   
night  for ,god and the ,bishop40    ,i 
did not ask him how he knew that ,bishop
 ,asbury was proud of me1 nor  did ,i   
inquire into the source of his          
information that the conversion1  by    
force1 of a fourteen-year-old boy was a 
great thing for ,god4 ,i  merely said3  
8,yes1 sir10 and went my way4 ,but it   
went on day after day2  everybody in    
town1 it seemed1 had a word to say about
 the pride that  now swelled the heart  
of the ,bishop as he went about among   
the virgins  of ,heaven and lolled on a 
cloud strumming his golden harp and     
producing  platinum and diamond music4  
,i got very tired of it1 and finally1 to
 one  old ,sister who had apparently    

thought of nothing else for a week1 ,i  
said3    8,oh1 to hell with the         
,bishop60    ,what blasphemy6 ,she      
gasped and hurried away1 and long before
 ,i reached  home she had telephoned and
 told my mother that ,i had blasphemed  
and  cried out against ,god4 ,naturally1
 my mother was worried2 she thought     
from the tale told to her that ,i had   
gone up and down the streets of  the    
town shouting defiance of ,god and      
yelling open praise of the ,devil  and  
all his works4 ,but ,i told her the     
whole story1 and she listened  without  
comment1 and when ,i had finished all   
she said was this3    8,well1 don't say 
#8hell' to them40    ,i think that was  
the last ,i ever heard from my mother   
about religion1  and from my father ,i  
heard even less4 ,once my mother asked  
me to  read the ,bible1 and although of 
course ,i had already done so1 ,i read  
it again4 ,i read it twice1 from the    
first absurdity of ,genesis to  the     
final fairy tale of ,revelation4 ,but ,i

 found nothing in it that  caused me to 
believe that it was an inspired work1   
and nothing that  proved1 to me1 the    
correctness of the pretensions so freely
 made by  the ,sisters and ,brothers and
 the ,preachers that they1 and they     
alone1  were the representatives and    
accredited agents of ,jesus ,christ on  
earth4 ,and the sermons that ,i heard   
thereafter--the ,preachers selected     
single verses from the ,bible and       
constructed elaborate harangues  around 
them--struck me more forcibly than ever 
as the trashiest sort  of poppycock and 
balderdash4 ,i was no longer afraid of  
the ,hell that  they pictured with such 
avidity1 and ,i no longer thrilled to   
their  tales of the magnificence of     
,heaven1 although of course to a growing
  boy the presence of so many virgin    
angels1 all apparently willing and      
available1 was interesting4 ,but none of
 them preached the religion of  ,christ2
 they preached hatred and revenge4 ,they
 held out slight hope  of reward2       

instead they were prophets of torture1  
promising eternal  punishment for petty 
crimes4      #b    ,it was about this   
time1 also1 that ,i began to investigate
 the glories  of ,bishop ,asbury1 and to
 make such inquiries as ,i could into   
his  saintly virtues4 ,we had in our    
library the ,bishop's ,journals in three
  volumes1 and we had also two or three 
volumes of biography1 all of  which ,i  
read4 ,in later years ,i have read many 
others4 ,probably twenty  or thirty     
books1 in one form or another1 have been
 written about ,bishop  ,asbury1 and ,i 
think that ,i have gone pretty          
thoroughly into most of  them4 ,but most
 of them are senseless if not downright 
idiotic2 they  were written by preachers
 and published by the ,methodist        
,church1 and  the whole slant is        
religious4 ,they are based on the       
assumption that a  ,preacher and a      
,bishop must of necessity be a holy man1
 and that all the  little idiosyncrasies
 and faults that give a clue to the real

 character  of the man1 are but         
manifestations of the fight between ,god
 and ,satan4    ,from an ecclesiastical 
point of view there can be no question  
of ,bishop  ,asbury's greatness1 for    
there have been few men who have left a 
more  definite imprint on ,american     
religious culture4 ,there were fewer    
than  #ejj ,methodists in ,america when 
he came here in #agga2 when he died     
there  were #bad1jjj1 with good churches
 and great influence4 ,he had completed 
the church organization according to his
 own ideas1 ignoring to a  large extent 
the plans of ,john ,wesley as set forth 
by ,thomas ,rankin  and ,thomas ,coke1  
and he had assumed as much power as a   
,pope of ,rome4  ,as a religious        
organizer he has had few equals1 and it 
is a great pity  that he did so much    
unnecessary organizing1 and that his    
amazing genius  should have flowered in 
such a futile and preposterous creation 
as  the present-day ,methodist ,church2 
a great pity that he could not have     

developed a more flexible creed1 one    
that would have grown as the world      
grew1 instead of standing stock-still   
and viewing the universe with           
intolerant suspicion1 with constant     
bickerings about the wishes of ,god  and
 yelping appeals to the ,almighty to    
damn somebody4    ,but statistically    
,bishop ,asbury is even greater4 ,he    
preached his first  sermon in ,america  
at ,philadelphia on the day he set foot 
on this  continent1 in ,october1 #agga1 
and delivered his final pronouncement   
against sin on his deathbed1 when1      
propped upon his pillows1 he  expounded 
the twenty-first chapter of ,revelation4
 ,in these forty-five  years he preached
 some #ag1jjj sermons1 and probably     
#bj1jjj in his whole  life1 for he began
 preaching when he was about fifteen or 
sixteen1 some  three years after his    
conversion4 ,the number of words that he
 uttered  for the ,lord is simply       
incalculable2 there is no telling how   
far they  would reach if they could be  

laid end to end4    ,in their methods of
 preaching and in their intolerance the 
preachers  of my boyhood1 of other sects
 as well as ,methodists1 were devout and
  faithful followers of ,bishop ,asbury4
 ,the bellowing evangelist of the       
,billy ,sunday and ,lincoln ,mc,connell 
type is his lineal ecclesiastical       
descendant4 ,he preached always at the  
top of his voice1 for he had  great     
faith in exhortation1 and to him the    
good sermon was the noisy  sermon2 even 
to-day the ,preacher who rants and raves
 is the one who is  regarded by his     
flock as nearest to ,god4 ,when ,bishop 
,asbury was not  preaching he was       
praying2 he rose every morning at four  
o'clock and  prayed and read the ,bible 
until six1 when he breakfasted and set  
forth  on his travels4 ,he would not    
sleep more than six hours a night       
because  ,wesley had decided that six   
hours was enough4 ,one day a week he    
fasted1  and part of another day1       
punishing his flesh for the greater     

glory of  the ,lord4    ,this love of   
self-inflicted punishment affected his  
whole life4 ,as  a boy he was moody and 
sensitive2 he appears to have been of   
the  type that complains constantly that
 he is being 8picked on40 ,he was       
introspective1 finding his greatest joy 
in self-pity1 and he was never  happy1  
as we used to say in ,missouri1 unless  
he was miserable4 ,his  playmates in the
 little ,english school near ,birmingham
 called him  8parson0 because of his    
pious lugubriousness1 and when the      
teacher beat  him or something happened 
to cross him he sought solace in prayer4
    ,references to his numerous physical
 ailments begin to appear in ,bishop    
,asbury's ,journals about #aggb1 when he
 was in his late twenties4 ,he  had     
never been strong physically1 and never 
after he came to ,america  was he in    
good health4 ,he was apparently a       
hypochondriac1 with all  the            
hypochondriac's morbid delight in       
recounting his symptoms2 many  pages of 

his ,journals are filled with them4 ,he 
took enormous doses of  medicine1       
performed slight surgical operations    
upon himself1 and raised  great blisters
 on the slightest provocation1          
frequently blistering his  whole body   
from throat to abdomen4 ,once he        
preached a whole afternoon  with so many
 blisters that he was not able either to
 stand or sit1  for he had blistered not
 only the soles of his feet but less    
refined  portions of his anatomy also2  
he had to be propped up in the pulpit1  
where he raved and ranted for hour after
 hour1 saving many sinners4 ,he  took no
 care of himself whatever1 riding       
horseback through snowstorms  and       
rainstorms with biting pains in his     
chest1 and with his stomach and  throat 
filled with ulcers1 feverish from pain  
and religion4    ,all of these things he
 notes in his ,journals with great      
gusto1 and  gives long lists of the     
medicines he took and the measures he   
employed  to combat his sickness4       

,tartar emetic was his favorite remedy1 
and  of this he swallowed enormous      
quantities4 ,for an ulcerated throat he 
used a gargle of 8sage tea1 honey1      
vinegar and mustard1 and after  that    
another gargle of sage1 tea1 alum1 rose 
leaves and loaf sugar to  strengthen the
 parts40 ,another favorite remedy was a 
diet1 as he called  it1 made from this  
remarkable formula3 8one quart of hard  
cider1 one  hundred nails1 a handful of 
snake root1 a handful of pennell seed1 a
  handful of wormwood40 ,he boiled this 
concoction from a quart to a pint1  and 
drank a wineglass of it each morning    
before breakfast for ten days1          
meanwhile using no butter1 milk or meat4
 ,he notes in his ,journal that  8it    
will make the stomach very sick40 ,it   
will4 ,i brewed the drink once1  and ,i 
had as soon drink dynamite2 bootleg gin 
is nectar by comparison4    ,there can  
be little doubt that ,bishop ,asbury's  
physical condition had  a great deal to 
do with his extraordinary piety1 for it 

is true that  most of the religious     
leaders have had many things wrong with 
their  bodies1 and that the sicker a man
 is1 the more religious he is likely  to
 be4 ,a man who is healthy and normal   
mentally and physically seldom  becomes 
fanatically religious4 ,true1 healthy   
men sometimes become monks  and         
preachers1 but except in rare instances 
such men are comparatively  moderate in 
their views4 ,and generally they do     
themselves very well in  a material way1
 especially if they become monks4    ,it
 was once my journalistic duty to make a
 daily visit to a ,franciscan  monastery
 in ,quincy1 ,illinois1 and the good    
brothers remain a high  light in a      
somewhat drab period4 ,jovial and       
pot-bellied1 they were  veritable ,friar
 ,tucks in brown bathrobes1             
extraordinarily hearty  eaters and      
drinkers1 and not even at pre-,volstead 
banquets have ,i ever  received as much 
free food and drink as from the good    
,franciscans4 ,it  was easy to see why  

such men as these went in for religion1 
but it is  not so easy to understand the
 motive of the ,protestant minister4    
,the  earthly rewards are nothing to    
speak of1 and what with evolution and   
one thing and another1 he can no longer 
be certain that there is a  ,heaven to  
go to4    ,the ,franciscans were        
fascinating spectacles as they padded on
 their  sandaled feet through the       
gardens of the monastery and along the  
graveled paths that led to the church   
next door4 ,i became particularly  fond 
of ,brother ,john--,i think they called 
him ,brother ,john1 anyhow ,i  did--who 
might have stepped from the pages of    
,boccaccio4 ,he was the  press          
representative of the monastery2 he     
always answered my ring1  and through   
the bars of the door ,i could see him1  
waddling genially  down the corridor1   
puffing and rattling his keys4 ,it      
always seemed  to me that ,brother ,john
 was miscast2 doubtless he lived a happy
 and  carefree life1 though perhaps     

overly cluttered with prayer1 but ,i    
thought it a great pity that he could   
not have been an alderman4 ,and  what a 
bartender he would have made6 ,his      
paunch would have elected him  a ,city  
,father1 and his fund of stories would  
have got him a job in any  first-class  
barroom4 ,but possibly he has reformed  
and is now leading  some such useful    
life4    ,brother ,john made but one    
effort to convert me and induce me to   
join  the ,catholic ,church1 and when ,i
 said 8,bunk60 he stopped immediately   
and  said that inasmuch as ,i would     
undoubtedly go to ,hell he would still  
take advantage of my reportorial        
capacity to get a little publicity  for 
the ,church before that unfortunate     
event occurred4 ,but there was  no      
tolerance in the attitude of my reverend
 relative1 the ,bishop4 ,his            
outstanding characteristic was          
intolerance2 it shows in a hundred      
different acts of his career2 he was    
arbitrary and domineering4 ,anyone  who 

was well dressed or who bore any outward
 signs of prosperity  was offensive in  
his sight2 he preached the gospel of    
poverty and  self-denial1 and believed  
that all pleasure was wicked and that   
self-inflicted suffering was heavenly   
bliss4 ,he was imperious and  scornful  
of restraint and opposition2 what he    
said was true he thought  was true1 and 
that was all there was to it4 ,when men 
differed with him  they were wrong1 and 
he had no disposition to reopen any     
question which  he had once settled in  
his mind4 ,he believed that he was      
appointed by  ,god to rule the          
,methodists in ,america1 and that he was
 a legitimate  successor of the         
,apostles4 ,in #ahja he wrote3    8,i   
will tell the world what ,i rest my     
authority on2 first1 divine  authority2 
second1 seniority in ,america2 third1   
the election of the  ,general           
,conference2 fourth1 my ordination by   
,thomas ,coke1 ,philip  ,william        
,otterbein1 ,richard ,whatcoat and      

,thomas ,vasey2 fifth1 because  the     
signs of an ,apostle have been seen in  
me40    ,divine authority and the signs 
of an ,apostle6    ,yet his steadfast   
belief that he was so appointed was one 
of the  secrets of his power and        
influence1 which were greater than that 
of any  other churchman of his time4 ,we
 are even yet feeling their effects1    
and we shall continue to feel them4     
,there seems to be no hope1 what  with  
,boards of ,temperance1 ,prohibition and
 ,public ,morals and similar  intolerant
 activities1 that the ,methodist ,church
 will ever become more  worthy of       
respect than it was in his day4 ,indeed1
 it grows worse and  worse4    ,another 
prime factor in ,bishop ,asbury's       
extraordinary piety1 as can be  seen by 
the entries in his ,journals and by a   
study of the biographies  written by    
other clergymen1 was his terrific mental
 turmoil4 ,throughout  his whole life   
his mind whirled like a pinwheel2 he was
 constantly  in what1 back in ,missouri1

 we used to call a 8terrible state40    
,about  the time he began to be ill he  
started referring to himself as 8,poor  
,francis10 and thereafter that was the  
dominant note of his life4 ,he  pitied  
himself because of his physical ills1   
and then dosed himself  with horrid     
medicines1 and with bleedings and       
blisterings1 making  his ailments more  
painful and himself an object of greater
 pity4 ,he  tortured himself thus       
physically1 and flogged his mind with   
constant  thoughts of his unworthiness2 
he was continually groveling before     
,god1  beseeching the ,almighty to put  
temptation in his path4 ,these extracts 
taken at random from his ,journals show 
the trend of his thought3    8,i do not 
sufficiently love ,god nor live by      
faith4    8,i must lament that ,i am not
 perfectly crucified with ,god4    8,i  
feel some conviction for sleeping too   
long4    8,my heart is grieved and      
groaneth for want of more holiness4     
8,unguarded and trivial conversation has

 brought a degree of spiritual          
deadness4    8,my conscience reproves me
 for the appearance of levity4    8,a   
cloud rested on my mind1 which was      
occasioned by talking and  jesting4 ,i  
also feel at times tempted to impatience
 and pride of heart4    8,my heart is   
still depressed for want of more        
religion4    8,were ,i to stand on my   
own merit1 where should ,i go but to    
hell8    8,here ,i received a bitter    
pill from one of my greatest friends    
referring to his last letter from ,john 
,wesley4 ,praise the ,lord for my       
trials also6 ,may they be sanctified40  
,bishop ,asbury preached the same       
doctrine of personal conversion and     
sanctification that is preached by      
present-day ,methodist ministers1 and   
he sought this blissful state for       
himself with frenzied zealousness4  ,at 
times he thought he had entered into    
what he called the full  fruition of a  
life with ,god2 at other times he       
fancied himself given  up to ,satan4    

,the older he grew1 the gloomier and    
more introspective  he became1 and like 
most of the other great religionists he 
had a  pronounced streak of melancholia4
 ,he had alternating periods of         
exaltation and depression2 he was either
 soaring the heights of  religious      
ecstasy or floundering in the depths of 
sin and despair4 ,he  did not seem able 
to find any middle ground in which he   
could obtain a  measure of peace and    
contentment2 occasionally in his        
,journals he noted  that he was happy in
 ,god and at peace1 but the next entry  
showed him  groaning in great vexation  
of spirit1 crying out a doubt of the    
value  of his religious life4 ,he       
yearned for a constant religious thrill1
 and  mourned because he could not      
satisfy his yearning4                   
,,diversions ,,of ,,an ,,abandoned      
,,sinner      #a    ,almost immediately 
after my conversion1 or at least as soon
 as it  had become noised about that ,i 
had consigned my holy relative to  what 

some of our more finicky ,sisters1      
unable to bring themselves to  say      
8,hell10 referred to coyly as 8the bad  
place10 ,i abandoned myself  to a life  
of sin and became a total spiritual loss
 in the eyes of  all ,farmington except 
members of my immediate family and      
certain of  my intimate friends who     
collaborated with me in various wicked  
but  pleasant enterprises4 ,that is to  
say1 ,i cast aside the taboos and the   
inhibitions that religion had thrown    
about me1 and became for the  first time
 in my life a normal boy4 ,i existed    
simply to play and raise  hell          
generally1 and for some curious reason  
the activity which gave me  the most    
pleasure was throwing rocks at the      
church or in some manner  interrupting  
the service4    ,it was not long before 
even the most hopeful had ceased their  
talk  of sending me to a theological    
school and fitting me to carry on  the  
family labors1 for ,i began to smoke    
cigarettes1 play cards1  swear1 drink   

when ,i could find a bartender willing  
to ignore the law  forbidding the sale  
of liquor to a minor1 and to cock an    
appreciative  and appraising eye at the 
girls4 ,it was then agreed that it was  
too  late to do anything with me or for 
me1 and on the ,sunday morning that  ,i 
mounted my new bicycle and rode brazenly
 past the ,southern ,methodist  church  
as the ,brothers and ,sisters filed with
 bowed heads into the  edifice for      
worship1 ,i was consigned body and soul 
to the sizzling pits  of ,hell4    ,i   
suffered a great deal of physical agony 
before ,i learned to smoke  cigarettes1 
and it was some time before ,i learned  
to blow smoke through  my nose with the 
nonchalant ease affected by the group of
 older boys  and young men who loafed in
 ,doss's barber shop and around the     
,post  ,office ,building and            
,mc,kinney's peanut and popcorn machine4
 ,my older  brother had learned a year  
or so before1 and he frequently made    
himself  very offensive to me by        

boasting that he could smoke a whole    
package of  ,sweet ,caporals or ,drums  
without becoming ill4 ,i yearned to try1
 but he  would not give me a cigarette1 
and neither would any of the other boys1
  and my finances were in such shape    
that ,i could not purchase any4 ,and1   
of course1 such wicked things could not 
be purchased and charged to my  father2 
,i could have charged a plug of chewing 
tobacco to him1 but not  cigarettes4    
,but one day ,i was loafing hopefully in
 ,mc,kinney's when my brother came  in  
and produced a dime that he had amassed 
by laborious work chopping  wood at     
home1 and bought a package of ,sweet    
,caporal ,little ,cigars4  ,these were  
really nothing but cigarettes wrapped   
with tobacco instead  of paper1 but they
 resembled a cigar and were thought to  
be infinitely  more stylish and manly   
than the ordinary cigarette4 ,i asked   
him for  one1 and he said he would not  
give one to ,john the ,baptist himself4 
,but  ,i persisted1 and followed him    

home1 aghast at his determination to    
hide  behind the barn and smoke the     
whole package one after the other4      
8,i'll light one from the end of the    
other10 he boasted4    ,finally as we   
came opposite ,brother ,nixon's house   
just south of ,elmwood  ,seminary1 he   
relented and very carefully opened the  
box and handed me  a ,little ,cigar4 ,it
 was a great moment4 ,the yard of       
,elmwood ,seminary  fairly swarmed with 
girl students1 including the young lady 
who at the  time represented everything 
that was desirable in the female sex1   
and  ,i visioned their cries of startled
 admiration as ,i passed1 puffing       
nonchalantly1 blowing smoke from my nose
 and perhaps from my ears4    ,i had no 
doubt of my ability to handle the       
innocent-looking ,little  ,cigar2       
indeed1 at that time ,i considered no   
problem insurmountable4  ,my brother    
instructed me to fill my mouth with     
smoke and then take a  long1 deep       
breath1 and after that blow the smoke   

out gently and slowly1  holding the     
,little ,cigar between the first and    
second finger and  crooking the little  
finger as we did when we drank tea or   
coffee1 that  being a mark of gentility 
and refinement4 ,as we came in front of 
the  old ,clardy homestead less than    
half a block from the ,seminary ,i      
struck  a match and applied it to the   
end of the ,little ,cigar1 while my     
brother  watched anxiously and from time
 to time gave me advice4 ,i puffed as he
  directed4    8,got a mouthful80 he    
asked4    ,unable to speak1 my cheeks   
bulging1 ,i nodded4    8,now take a long
 breath40    ,but1 alas1 ,i did not     
breathe2 ,i swallowed1 and while the    
smoke  penetrated me and spread         
throughout my interior1 it did not take 
the  correct route4 ,i began to         
strangle1 and my brother got excited4   
8,blow it out1 you damn fool60 he cried4
 8,you'll choke60    ,i did choke4 ,i   
did even worse2 ,i became very ill1 and 
the spectacle  which so intrigued the   

young ladies of the ,seminary that day  
was not  that of a young gentleman going
 nonchalantly to ,hell by the cigarette 
route4 ,instead1 they saw a very sick   
boy rolling on the sidewalk trying      
desperately to stem a distressing       
internal upheaval4    ,it was several   
days later before ,i had enough courage 
to try again1  and ,i debated within    
myself whether or not ,god had caused me
 to be so  ill in order to show me that 
smoking was a sin4 ,but ,i had          
definitely  committed myself to the     
,devil1 so a few days later ,i begged a 
dime  from my father and bought a       
package of ,drums and another of ,sweet 
,caporals1 the two most popular brands  
of cigarettes4 ,with these1 and  a      
supply of matches1 ,i went behind the   
barn4 ,i made a neat pile of  sawdust to
 lie upon1 and there ,i remained the    
whole afternoon1 smoking  one cigarette 
after another4 ,i was terribly ill at   
first1 but gradually  improved until the
 last three or four gave me no trouble4 

,i did not  have much appetite for      
dinner that night1 but ,i had conquered 
the  cigarette and ,i felt a glow of    
pride at the fact that ,i had got a very
  good start in the direction of the bad
 place4    ,the basis of my overwhelming
 desire to smoke cigarettes was the fact
  that cigarette-smoking when ,i was a  
boy in ,farmington was one of the  major
 sins4 ,it ranked with adultery and just
 a little ahead of murder  and theft4   
,the ,preachers called them coffin nails
 and delivered violent  sermons against 
them1 and every once in a while an      
evangelist would  come to town with     
medical charts showing the effect of    
tobacco upon  the interior human organs4
 ,but the fact that it was bad          
physically for  growing boys was seldom 
stressed at all2 we were impressed      
instead with  the fact that ,god thought
 it a sin to smoke cigarettes1 although 
it did  not appear that it was a sin for
 the tobacconist to sell them4 ,that was
  business4    ,many efforts were made  

to reform me after ,i had begun to      
smoke4 ,my  mother said she had hoped ,i
 wouldn't1 but that was all she said1   
and my  father said he did not give a   
hoot whether ,i smoked or not1 but that 
he  hoped ,i would not be a fool and    
overdo it4 ,he himself had learned the  
art of chewing tobacco when he was a boy
 of seven in ,mississippi1 and  so far  
as ,i have ever been able to learn1 ,god
 had never called him to  account4 ,he  
died at the age of seventy-nine1        
suddenly1 and a slab of  plug-cut was in
 his pocket4 ,it is impossible for me to
 believe that ,god  refused him entrance
 into whatever ,heaven there may be on  
account of  his habit1 which he         
thoroughly enjoyed4    ,but the         
,preachers and the ,brothers and        
,sisters did not agree with my  parents1
 nor would they admit that it was none  
of their business4 ,on  the contrary1   
they said that it was the ,lord's       
business1 and since they  were the duly 
accredited agents of the ,lord1         

appointed by ,him to lead  ,farmington  
into the paths of righteousness1 it was 
their business also4  ,when ,brother    
,fontaine was our ,methodist pastor he  
did not look with  disfavor upon        
chewing1 because he himself was seldom  
without a chew and  presumably had an   
indulgence from ,god1 but he looked upon
 the cigarette  as an invention of the  
,devil4 ,in this view he was upheld by  
the  ,ladies' ,aid ,society and the     
,farmington branch of the ,women's      
,christian  ,temperance ,union4 ,and the
 ,w4 ,c4 ,t4 ,u41 with the possible     
exception of  the ,methodist ,board of  
,temperance1 ,prohibition and ,public   
,morals1 was  and is the world's best   
example of an organization maintained   
for the  sole purpose of minding other  
people's business4    ,the hullabaloo   
over my smoking only made me more       
determined to smoke  until my insides   
turned black and ,i was called home by  
,satan and  transformed into a tobacco  
demon4 ,for that reason ,i probably     

smoked too  much4 ,as a matter of       
principle ,i always lighted a cigarette 
just in  front of the ,southern         
,methodist church1 and in front of the  
home of my  uncle1 who was an enemy of  
anything that provided physical pleasure
 and  contentment4 ,i always smoked     
another as ,i passed the ,northern      
,methodist  church1 the scene of the    
,mc,connell revival orgy1 and still     
another in  front of the ,christian     
church1 in memory of ,brother ,nations4 
,that was  four in half a mile1 and of  
course was too many1 but sometimes ,i   
was  not permitted to finish all of     
them4 ,frequently a ,brother or a       
,sister1  seeing me thus flaunting my   
sin on the public highway1 snatched the 
nasty thing from my mouth and gave me a 
lecture that dripped religion  and was  
principally concerned with the fate of  
boys who defied ,god and  ,jesus ,christ
 by smoking cigarettes4 ,one ,sister    
asked me3    8,where did you get the    
vile things80    ,i told her that ,i had

 bought them at her husband's store1 and
 she  shrieked3    8,you saucy1         
blasphemous boy60    ,but on that       
particular occasion ,i was not lectured1
 although she  telephoned my mother that
 ,i had been impudent to her4 ,my mother
 told  her it was too bad4      #b    ,i
 learned to play pinochle when ,i was   
about fifteen1 only a few  months after 
,i had become an accomplished cigarette 
fiend and was  generally considered a   
fine prospect for ,satan1 and thereafter
 was a  regular participant in the game 
that went on every night in the back    
room of ,karl ,schliesser's cigar       
factory4 ,this was a notable den of     
evil1 and while religion had me in its  
clutches ,i thought black magic  was    
practiced there1 and that its habitus   
had communion with the  ,devil2 among us
 it was believed that ,god had doubtless
 never heard  of the place or ,he would 
have destroyed it with a withering blast
 of  lightning4 ,it was frequented by   
,germans and other low forms of life1   

and they were principally ,catholics and
 ,lutherans1 with a sprinkling  of      
renegade ,protestants like myself4 ,the 
,brothers and ,sisters held the  opinion
 that if this crowd had a ,god at all he
 must have been a very  queer being1 for
 bursts of ribald laughter came from    
,schliesser's back  room1 and there was 
card-playing1 and ,i do not doubt that  
occasionally  someone gambled4          
,schliesser was the ,town ,socialist1   
and was looked upon with grave          
suspicion by the better element1 as in  
those days it was generally  recognized 
that a ,socialist was an emissary of the
 ,devil4 ,but the  ,brothers and        
,sisters and the ,preachers looked with 
even more suspicion  upon ,victor       
,quesnel4 ,in this attitude they had the
 support of the  ,catholics4 ,victor    
,quesnel was born in ,france1 but he had
 lived in  ,farmington for many years4  
,he frequently quoted ,voltaire1 and    
appeared  to believe that a man's       
religion and his belief or disbelief in 

,god was  a matter of his own personal  
taste1 and he was therefore regarded as 
an  atheist4 ,as a matter of fact he was
 probably more truly religious than     
most of the pious ,brothers and         
,sisters2 the principal difference was  
that he did not try to compel everyone  
he met to embrace his creed4            
,frequently1 and without particular     
regard as to who heard him1  ,quesnel   
discussed the advantages of sleeping    
naked1 or1 as we say  in present-day    
journalism1 undraped4 ,that was his     
hobby4 ,he said he  thought it was a    
healthful practice1 that he slept better
 without  clothing1 and that come what  
might he was going to continue to sleep 
that way4 ,this was considered          
heathenish doctrine2 some of our finest 
church members owned stores in which    
they sold nightgowns and pajamas1  and  
it was felt that ,quesnel's attitude was
 not only a direct affront  to ,god but 
was also injurious to business4         
,moreover1 the ,brothers and  ,sisters  

did not consider such a practice modest2
 there were scores1  perhaps hundreds of
 people in ,farmington who had never in 
their lives  removed all of their       
clothing4 ,once at a meeting of the     
,ladies' ,aid  ,society ,i heard an old 
,sister say that she had reached the age
 of sixty  and had never been entirely  
undressed2 and that when she bathed she 
kept her eyes closed as she applied the 
sponge to her body4 ,a great  deal of   
juicy conversation could be overheard at
 these ,ladies' ,aid  meetings by a     
bright young lad who knew where the best
 keyholes were  located4      #c        
,sunday was much more enjoyable after ,i
 had become a sinner and had  left      
,sunday school and the ,church to       
whatever fate the ,lord had in  store   
for them4 ,i arose a little later1 had a
 leisurely breakfast and  a refreshing  
quarrel or fight with my brothers and   
sister1 and then  went leisurely to my  
room and as leisurely put on my ,sunday 
suit1 with  no intention of removing it 

until ,i retired for the night4         
,curiously  enough1 as soon as ,i quit  
going regularly to church and ,sunday   
school ,i  began to wear my ,sunday suit
 all day1 and the little voice that ,i  
had  in the selection of this garment ,i
 raised in hopeful pleas for loud       
checks and glaring colors4 ,no longer   
did ,i wish to clothe myself in  the    
sombre blacks suitable for church wear  
and religious activity2 ,i  desired to  
blossom and bloom in the more violent   
and pleasant colors of  ,hell4    ,once 
arrayed in my ,sunday suit1 ,i left the 
house1 a cigarette dangling  from my    
lower lip1 and my hat1 carefully        
telescoped in the prevailing  mode1     
sitting just so on the side of my head4 
,i tried to time my march  downtown so  
that ,i would reach ,elmwood ,seminary  
just as the young lady  students        
resident there marched across the       
street1 after ,sunday school1  from the 
,presbyterian church2 they were not     
permitted to remain at  the church      

during the fifteen or twenty-minute     
interval because they  attracted such   
hordes of feverish boys intent upon     
everything but  religion4 ,usually ,i   
reached the scene in time1 and leaned   
nonchalantly  against the ,seminary     
fence1 puffing vigorously and           
ostentatiously on a  cigarette and      
winking at various and sundry of the    
girls as they passed  in their caps and 
gowns4    ,for these smart-aleck        
activities ,i was presently placed upon 
the  school's black list and was not    
permitted to call upon the one night    
each month allotted to such social      
intercourse1 but as ,i soon learned  to 
climb a rope ladder this did not annoy  
me greatly4 ,anyhow1 calling  night at  
,elmwood ,seminary was not very         
exciting4 ,the procedure was to  place a
 dozen or so chairs about a big room1 in
 pairs but with at least  twelve inches 
between them1 in which sat the girls and
 their callers4  ,in the center sat a   
gimlet-eyed teacher1 constantly ready   

with  ,biblical and other uplifting     
quotations and seeing to it that nothing
  scandalous occurred4 ,from eight to   
ten the caller was permitted to  engage 
his lady love in conversation1 but it   
was a rule that everything  that was    
said must be audible to the teacher on  
guard4 ,whisperings and  gigglings were 
taboo1 and resulted in the young man    
being placed on  the black list1 and    
forbidden thereafter to darken the doors
 of the  institution4 ,but occasionally 
the teacher relaxed her vigilance for a 
moment1 providing an opportunity to     
arrange a clandestine meeting4 ,that    
was the principal reason that the boys  
of ,farmington went to ,elmwood on      
calling nights4    ,the regular ,sunday 
incident of the ,seminary girls having  
been brought  to a satisfactory and     
successful conclusion1 ,i went on       
downtown4 ,i was  very young then1 and  
,i considered myself1 in my ,sunday     
suit1 a very  striking and elegant      
figure4 ,i thought of myself as a       

parade1 and felt  morally certain that  
the eyes of every girl were upon me1 and
 that  their hearts were fluttering with
 amatory admiration4 ,the ,methodist    
church was only two blocks south of the 
,presbyterian edifice1 and ,i  generally
 reached it as the ,sunday-school pupils
 trooped out with their  arms full of   
lesson pamphlets and their souls full of
 salvation1 ,golden  ,texts and         
catechisms4 ,i regarded them pityingly1 
puffed vaingloriously  at my symbol of  
sin1 and went on past the ,christian    
church and the  ,northern ,methodist    
church and so to ,mc,kinney's1 the ,post
 ,office  ,building and the fascinating 
popcorn and peanut machine4    ,in the  
winter time ,doss's barber shop was     
generally open until noon so  ,billy    
,priester could shine the shoes of the  
young bucks who proposed to  defile the 
,sabbath by gallivanting around with    
young hussies4 ,it was a  favorite      
loafing place for all abandoned wretches
 who did not care for  the glory that   

was free in all churches4 ,but in summer
 we generally sat  in front of          
,mc,kinney's and the ,post ,office      
,building and1 when finances  permitted1
 ate popcorn and peanuts1 envying ,riley
 ,hough as he hurried  out now and then 
to attend to the machine and stuff his  
mouth with  popcorn before hastening    
back into the store4    ,all of the     
young sinners of the town loafed there  
during the church  services1 and at     
twelve o'clock noon we rose in a body   
and walked  down the street to ,pelty's 
,book ,store1 where the ,sunday papers  
were  distributed4 ,the afternoons were 
devoted to baseball games and amatory   
pursuits1 and occasionally we went      
fishing4 ,but this was considered  a    
,cardinal ,sin1 and was frowned upon by 
even our liberal element2  it was felt  
that it was a desecration of ,god's ,day
 to drag one of  ,his creatures from the
 river with a cruel fishhook4 ,on week  
days1 of  course1 fishing was all right1
 although a waste of time1 but on       

,sunday  an expedition to ,blumeyer's   
,ford1 or to ,gruner's ,hole1 was       
followed  the next morning by buzzing   
comment all over town1 and only a grown 
man  could hope to indulge in such      
sinful adventures and escape subsequent 
punishment4      #d    ,it was the      
custom of our pastors and pious         
brethren1 and of the  professional      
sorcerers who were imported from time to
 time to cast  their spells and shoo the
 demons away from our housetops1 to     
proclaim  loudly and incessantly that   
our collective morals were compounded of
  a slice of ,sodom and a cut of        
,gomorrah1 with an extract of ,babylon  
to flavor the sorry stew4 ,they worried 
constantly and fretfully over  our      
amorous activities2 in their more       
feverish discourses appeared            
significant references to the great     
difficulty of remaining pure1  and in   
effect they advised our young women to  
go armed to the teeth1  prepared to do  
battle in defense of their virginity4   

,in ,farmington and other small towns of
 the ,middle ,west this sort of  thing  
was the principal stock in trade of     
those who would lead their  brethren to 
the worship of the current god2 the     
evangelist assured  his hearers that    
their town was overrun by harlots1 and  
that brothels  abounded in which        
prominent men abandoned themselves to   
shameful  orgies1 while church          
attendance dwindled1 and collections    
became  smaller and smaller1 and chicken
 appeared less and less frequently upon 
the ministerial table4 ,his tirades were
 generally in this fashion3    8,shall  
we permit these painted daughters of    
,jezebel1 these bedizened  hussies1 to  
stalk the streets of this fair city and 
flaunt their sin  in the face of the    
,lord8 ,shall we permit them to lure our
 sons and  brothers into their vile     
haunts and ply their nefarious trade in 
the  very shadow of the ,house of ,god8 
,no6 ,i say ,,no6 ,jesus ,christ must   
live  in this town60    ,immediately    

everyone shouted 8,amen1 ,brother60 and 
8,praise the ,lord60  ,but it was       
sometimes difficult to determine whether
 the congregation  praised the ,lord for
 inspiring the evangelist so            
courageously to defy  the harlots1 or   
for permitting him to discover them4 ,if
 the ,man of ,god  could find them1 why 
not the damned1 too8 ,certainly there   
were always  many who wondered if the   
brother had acquired any good addresses 
or  telephone numbers since coming to   
town4 ,not infrequently1 indeed1 he  was
 stealthily shadowed home by young men  
eager to settle this question4    ,these
 charges and denunciations were         
repeated1 with trimmings1 at the        
meetings for men only which were always 
a most interesting feature of  the      
revivals4 ,at similar gatherings for    
women1 or ladies1 as we called  them in 
small-town journalism1 his wife or a    
devout ,sister discussed  the question  
from the feminine viewpoint4 ,what went 
on at these latter  conclaves ,i do not 

know1 though ,i can guess1 for ,i have  
often seen  young girls coming out of   
them giggling and blushing4 ,the        
meetings for  men were juicy1 indeed4   
,the evangelist discussed all angles of 
the  subject1 and in a very free manner4
 ,his own amorous exploits before  he   
was converted were recited in           
considerable detail1 and he painted     
vivid word pictures of the brothels he  
had visited1 both as a paying  client   
and in the course of his holy work4     
,almost invariably they were            
subterranean palaces hung with silks and
 satins1 with soft rugs upon  the floor1
 and filled with a vast multitude of    
handsome young women1  all as loose as  
ashes4 ,having thus intimated1 with some
 smirking1 that  for many years he was  
almost the sole support of harlotry1 he 
became  confidential4 ,he leaned forward
 and said3    8,there are such ,dens of 
the ,devil right here in your town60    
,this was first-hand information1 and   
immediately there was a stir in  the    

audience1 many of his hearers betraying 
an eagerness to be gone4  ,but before   
they could get away the evangelist      
thundered3    8,shall we permit them to 
continue their wicked practices80    ,i 
always hoped to be present some day when
 the audience forgot itself  and        
answered that question with the thought 
that was so plainly in its  mind1       
namely1 8,yes60 ,but1 alas1 ,i never    
heard it1 although there was  much      
shouting of 8,amen60 and 8,glory to     
,god60 ,these meetings for men  only    
were generally held in the afternoon1   
and their net result was  that the      
business of the drug store increased    
immediately1 and when  night fell bands 
of young good-for-nothings scurried     
hither and yon  about the town1         
searching feverishly for the ,dens of   
the ,devil4 ,they  searched without     
fear1 confident that modern science     
would save them  from any untoward      
consequences1 and knowing that no matter
 what they  did they would go to ,heaven

 if they permitted a preacher to        
intercede  for them in the end1 or a    
priest to sprinkle them with holy water4
    ,but the ,dens of the ,devil were   
not found1 neither in ,farmington nor in
  any other small town in that region1  
for the very good reason that they  did 
not exist4 ,the evangelist did not know 
what he was talking about2  he was      
simply using stock blather which he had 
found by experience  would excite the   
weak-minded to both sexual and religious
 emotions4  ,he knew that when they were
 thus upset they would be less likely to
  question his ravings--that they would 
be more pliable in his hands and  easier
 to convert4    ,our small towns were   
not overrun by harlots simply because   
harlotry  could not flourish in a small 
town4 ,it was economically impossible2  
there were not enough cash customers to 
make the scarlet career  profitable4    
,also1 the poor girls had to meet too   
much competition from  emotional ladies 
who had the professional spirit but     

retained their  amateur standing by     
various technicalities4 ,and harlots1   
like the rest  of us1 had to live2 they 
required the same sort of raiment and   
food  that sufficed their virtuous      
sisters2 it was not until they died that
  they wore nothing but the smoke of    
,hell and were able to subsist on a     
diet of brimstone and sulphur4    ,many 
men who in larger communities would have
 patronized the  professionals could not
 do so in a small town4 ,they could not 
afford  to2 it was too dangerous4 ,the  
moment a woman was suspected of being  a
 harlot she was eagerly watched by      
everyone from the mayor down to  the    
preachers1 and the name of every man    
seen talking to her1 or even  looking at
 her1 went winging swiftly from mouth to
 mouth1 and was  finally posted on the  
heavenly bulletin board as that of an   
immoral  wretch4 ,a house in which      
harlotry was practiced was picketed day 
and  night by small boys eager to learn 
the forbidden mysteries1 and by         

,brethren and ,sisters hopefully        
sniffing for sin4 ,it was not possible  
for a harlot to keep her clientle       
secret1 for the sexual life of a  small 
town is an open book1 and news of       
amorous doings could not travel  faster 
if each had a tabloid newspaper4        
,exact statistics1 of course1 are not   
available1 but it is probably true  that
 no small ,american town has ever       
harbored a harlot whose income  from    
professional services was sufficient to 
feed and clothe her4 ,few  if any such  
towns have ever been the abode of more  
than one harlot at  a time4 ,when ,i was
 a boy every one had its town harlot1   
just as it had  its town sot 7this1 of  
course1 was before drunkards became     
extinct7 and  its town idiot4 ,but she  
was generally a poor creature who was   
employed  by day as a domestic servant  
and practiced her ancient art only in   
her  hours of leisure4 ,she turned to it
 partly for economic reasons1 but       
chiefly because of a great yearning for 

human companionship1 which  she could   
obtain in no other way4 ,she remained in
 it because she was  almost instantly   
branded a ,daughter of ,satan1 and      
shunned by good and  bad alike4 ,she    
seldom1 if ever1 realized that she was  
doing wrong2  her moral standards were  
those of a bedbug4 ,she thought of      
harlotry  in terms of new ribbons and an
 occasional pair of shoes1 and in terms 
of social intercourse2 she was unmoral  
rather than immoral1 and the  proceeds  
of her profession1 to her1 were just so 
much extra spending  money4             
,small-town men who occasionally visited
 the larger cities1 and there  thought  
nothing of spending from ten to fifty   
dollars in metropolitan  brothels1 were 
very stingy in dealing with the town    
harlot4 ,they  considered a dollar an   
enormous price for her1 and frequently  
they  refused to give her anything4     
,many small communities were not able to
  support even a part-time harlot2      
consequently some members of the craft  

went from town to town1 taking secular  
jobs and practicing harlotry  as a side 
line until driven out by the godly1 or  
until the inevitable  business          
depression occurred4 ,i recall one who  
made several towns along  the ,o4 ,k4   
,railroad in ,northeastern ,missouri as 
regularly as the shoe  drummers4 ,her   
studio was always an empty box car on   
the town siding1  and she had a mania   
for inscribing in such cars the exact   
dates and  hours of her adventures1 and 
her honoraria4 ,it was not unusual to   
find  in a car some such inscription as 
this3      8,ten ,p4,m41 ,july #h4      
,fifty cents40    ,these writings1      
scrawled in lead pencil or with a bit of
 chalk1 were  signed 8,box ,car ,molly40
 ,once1 in a car from which ,i had      
unloaded many  heavy bags of cement1 ,i 
came across what seemed to be a pathetic
 bit of  very early1 and apparently     
authentic1 ,box-,car-,molliana4 ,on the 
wall was  this3      8,i was ruined in  
this car ,may #aj4                      

8,,box ,,car ,,molly40    ,our town     
harlot in ,farmington was a scrawny     
creature called variously  ,fanny       
,fewclothes and ,hatrack1 but usually   
the latter in deference  to her figure4 
,when she stood with her arms           
outstretched she bore a  remarkable     
resemblance to the tall hatracks then in
 general use in  our homes1 and since   
she was always most amiable and         
obliging1 she  was frequently asked to  
pose thus for the benefit of drummers   
and  other infidels4 ,in time1 she came 
to take a considerable pride in this    
accomplishment2 she referred to herself 
as a model1 and talked vaguely  of      
abandoning her wicked life and going to 
,st4 ,louis1 where she was  sure she    
could make a living posing for artists4 
,six days a week ,hatrack was a         
competent and more or less virtuous     
drudge employed by one of our best      
families1 but ,sunday was her day  off1 
and she then1 in turn1 offered her soul 
to the ,lord and went  to the ,devil4   

,for the latter purpose she utilized    
both the ,masonic  and ,catholic        
cemeteries4 ,hatrack's regular          
,sunday-night parade1 her  descent from 
righteousness into sin1 was one of the  
most fascinating  events of the week1   
and promptly after supper those of us   
who did not  have engagements to take   
young ladies to church 7which was       
practically  equivalent to publishing   
the banns7 went downtown to the loafing 
place  in front of the ,post ,office and
 waited impatiently4    ,on week days   
,hatrack turned a deaf ear to the       
blandishments of our  rous1 but on      
,sunday night she was more gracious4    
,this1 however1 was  not until she had  
gone to church and had been given to    
understand1  tacitly but none the less  
clearly1 that there was no room for her 
in  the ,kingdom of ,heaven4 ,our       
,sunday-night services usually began    
about  eight o'clock1 following the     
meetings of the various young people's  
societies4 ,at seven-thirty1 regardless 

of the weather1 the angular  figure of  
,hatrack could be discerned coming down 
the hill from the  direction of the     
cemeteries4 ,she lived somewhere in that
 section and  worked out by the day4    
,she was always dressed in her best1 and
 in her  eyes was the light of a great  
resolve4 ,she was going to church1 and  
there was that in her walk and manner   
which said that thereafter she  was     
going to lead a better life4    ,there  
was always a group of men waiting for   
her around the ,post ,office4  ,but     
although several muttered 8,here she    
comes60 it was not good form  to speak  
to her then1 and she walked past them as
 if she had not seen  them4 ,but they1  
with their wide knowledge of the        
vagaries of the ,agents  of ,god1       
grinned hopefully and settled down to   
wait4 ,they knew she would  be back4    
,she went on up the street past the     
,court ,house and turned  into the      
,northern ,methodist church1 where she  
took a seat in the last  row4 ,all about

 her were empty seats2 if they were not 
empty when she  got there they were soon
 emptied4 ,no one spoke to her4 ,no one 
asked  her to come to ,jesus4 ,no one   
held out a welcoming hand4 ,no one      
prayed  for her4 ,no one offered her a  
hymn book4 ,at the protracted meetings  
and revivals1 which she invariably      
attended1 none of the ,brothers and     
,sisters tried to convert her2 she was a
 ,scarlet ,woman and belonged to  the   
,devil4 ,there was no place for her in a
 respectable congregation4  ,they could 
not afford to be seen talking to her1   
even in church1 where  ,god's love1 by  
their theory1 made brothers and sisters 
of us all4    ,it was pitiful to watch  
her2 she listened to the ,word with such
 rapt  attention2 she sang the hymns    
with such fanatical fervor1 and she so  
yearned for the comforts of that        
barbaric religion and the blessings  of 
easy intercourse with decent people4    
,but she never got them4 ,from  the     
,christians and their ,god she got      

nothing but scorn4 ,of all the  sinners 
in our town ,hatrack would have been    
easiest to convert2 she  was so         
pathetically eager for salvation4 ,if a 
,preacher1 or a ,brother1  or a ,sister1
 had so much as spoken a kind word to   
her she would have  dropped to her knees
 and given up her soul to the ,methodist
 ,god4 ,and  her conversion1 in all     
likelihood1 would have been permanent1  
for  she was not mentally equipped for a
 struggle against the grandiose         
improbabilities of revealed religion4   
,if someone had told her1 as ,i was     
told1 that ,god was an old man with long
 whiskers1 she would not have  called   
,him 8,daddy10 as some of her more      
flippant city sisters might  have done2 
she would have accepted ,him and gloried
 in ,him4    ,but she was not plucked   
from the burning1 for the workers for   
the  ,lord would have nothing to do with
 her1 and by the end of the service  her
 eyes had grown sullen and her lip had  
curled upward in a sneer4  ,before the  

final hymn was sung and the benediction 
pronounced upon the  congregation1 she  
got to her feet and left the church4    
,none tried to  stop her2 she was not   
wanted in the ,house of ,god4 ,i have   
seen her sit  alone and miserably       
unhappy while the ,preacher bellowed a  
sermon about  forgiveness1 with the     
whole church rocking to a chorus of     
sobbing1  moaning amens as he told the  
stories of various ,biblical harlots1   
and  how ,god had forgiven them4    ,but
 for ,hatrack there was no forgiveness4 
,mary ,magdalene was a saint  in        
,heaven1 but ,hatrack remained a harlot 
in ,farmington4 ,every ,sunday  night   
for years she went through the same     
procedure4 ,she was hopeful  always that
 someone would speak to her and make a  
place for her1 that  the ,brothers and  
,sisters who talked so volubly about the
 grace and the  mercy of ,god would     
offer her some of the religion that they
 dripped  so freely over everyone else  
in town4 ,but they did not1 and so she  

went back down the street to the ,post  
,office1 swishing her skirts and        
brazenly offering herself to all who    
desired her4 ,the men who had been      
waiting for her1 and who had known that 
she would come1 leered at her  and      
hailed her with obscene speech and      
gesture4 ,and she gave them back  leer  
for leer1 meeting their sallies with    
giggles1 and motioning with  her head   
toward the cemeteries4    ,and so she   
went up the hill4 ,a little while later 
a man left the group1  remarking that he
 must go home4 ,he followed her4 ,and a 
moment after  that another left1 and    
then another1 until behind ,hatrack was 
a line of  men1 about one to a block1   
who would not look at one another1 and  
who  looked sheepishly at the ground    
when they met anyone coming the other   
way4 ,as each man accosted her in turn  
,hatrack inquired whether he was  a     
,protestant or a ,catholic4 ,if he was a
 ,protestant she took him into  the     
,catholic cemetery2 if he was a         

,catholic they went into the ,masonic   
cemetery4      #e    ,i fell a willing  
victim to the wiles of the ,rum ,demon  
on the night of  my conversion1 and     
thereafter1 in common with other boys of
 the town  who were aflame with revolt  
against the religious taboos which had  
so  oppressed us1 ,i drank whenever ,i  
could obtain the liquor4 ,this was not  
often1 because ,i seldom had any money  
and it was difficult to find a          
bartender who would sell a drink to a   
minor4 ,the eagle eye of the ,w4 ,c4    
,t4 ,u4 was constantly upon him4 ,but   
occasionally the darkies would buy  for 
us in return for one swig at the bottle1
 and as often as possible  we purchased 
by this means a pint or quart of whisky 
or gin4 ,i did not  drink because ,i    
liked the taste of liquor1 for ,i       
didn't1 and ,i do not  now1 but ,i      
thought it was smart and manly to get   
drunk4    ,and there was another1 and a 
deeper reason4 ,it seemed to me that in 
the eyes of the ,preachers and the      

,brothers and ,sisters a man could      
commit no more heinous sin than to get  
tight2 it was even worse than  smoking4 
,such being the case1 ,i felt that it   
was incumbent upon me to  achieve that  
condition1 and thereby show them that ,i
 had no use for  them and the things for
 which they stood4 ,and that was also   
the reason  we sang vulgar songs1 and   
roared with gusto the parodies on hymns 
that we learned from time to time4 ,it  
was our custom to get as drunk  as      
possible and then group ourselves about 
the pump in the courthouse  yard1 where 
we bellowed ditties and parodies until  
the town marshal or  some outraged      
,brother or ,sister stopped us4         
,there were few such songs that we did  
not sing2 it was at the pump1  on a     
summer night1 that ,i first heard the   
8,song of ,jack ,hall40 ,it  was taught 
to us by a shoe drummer from ,st4       
,louis1 who sang it with  appropriate   
gestures1 and for a long time it was our
 favorite song4 ,the  version that we   

sang was this--it should be rendered    
with great gusto  and feeling1 and the  
final line of each verse should be      
dragged from  deep down in the chest3   
,oh1 me nyme it is ,jack ,hall1 'tis    
,jack ,hall1    ,oh1 me nyme it is ,jack
 ,hall1 'tis ,jack ,hall2    ,oh1 me    
nyme it is ,jack ,hall1    ,and ,i'll   
tell youse one and all1    ,the story of
 me fall1      ,god damn your eyes4     
,oh1 ,i killed a man 'tis said1 so 'tis 
said1    ,oh1 ,i killed a man 'tis said1
 so 'tis said2    ,oh1 ,i killed a man  
'tis said1    ,and ,i kicked his bloody 
head1    ,and ,i left him lyin' dead1   
,god damn his eyes4      ,so they       
chucked me here in quod1 here in quod1  
,so they chucked me here in quod1 here  
in quod2    ,so they chucked me here in 
quod1    ,with a ball and chain and rod1
    ,they did1 so help me ,god1         
,god damn their eyes4      ,well1 the   
parson he did come1 he did come1        
,well1 the parson he did come1 he did   
come2    ,well1 the parson he did come1 

,and he looked so ,god-damned glum1     
,as he talked of ,kingdom ,come1        
,god damn his eyes4      ,and the       
sheriff he came1 too1 he came1 too1     
,and the sheriff he came1 too1 he came1 
too2    ,and the sheriff he came1 too1  
,with his little boys in blue1    ,he   
said3 8,jack1 we'll see you through1    
,god damn your eyes40      ,so it's up  
the rope ,i go1 up ,i go1    ,so it's up
 the rope ,i go1 up ,i go2    ,so it's  
up the rope ,i go1    ,and those devils 
down below1    ,they'll say3 8,jack1 we 
told you so60      ,god damn their eyes4
    ,the parodies on hymns that we sang 
were almost innumerable1 and were       
undoubtedly sung all over the country by
 other boys who1 in the eyes  of their  
elders1 were only being smart-alecky1   
but who1 like us1  had a deeper reason  
for the eagerness with which they       
paraded their  disrespect for the       
,church and for religion4 ,it was one of
 the few ways  we knew to flaunt our    
sin1 and nothing pleased us more than to

 break up  a church service1 or at least
 interrupt it1 by bellowing at the top  
of  our voices some disreputable and    
unholy parody that had reached us in    
one way or another4    ,one of our most 
enjoyable ,sunday-night escapades was to
 gather in a  group outside a church    
window1 and sing a parody immediately   
after  the choir and the congregation   
inside had sung the hymn itself4 ,we    
persisted in this until finally the     
pastor of the ,northern ,methodist      
church had ,wint ,jackson1 the ,night   
,marshal1 chase us away4 ,we went       
without comment or objection when       
,jackson ordered us to disperse1        
because he had just killed a desperado  
named ,yates1 and we considered  him    
something of a hero2 we thought that he 
went about with his finger  constantly  
in the trigger of his revolver1 and that
 the finger itched4    ,on this         
particular night the parody which made  
the ,methodist minister  so angry1 and  
swept from his mind all thought of his  

,christian duty to  turn the other cheek
 for us to swat1 was on 8,oh1 that will 
be glory for  me40 ,our version went    
like this3      ,oh1 there will be no   
chicken for me1    ,no chicken for me1  
no chicken for me2    ,when all the     
preachers have gulped their share1      
,there'll be no chicken1 no chicken for 
me4    ,to give the proper swing to the 
tune1 8gulped0 must be pronounced       
8gulluped40    ,perhaps the most        
celebrated of all the parodies1 at that 
time1 was on  the favorite old hymn1    
8,at the ,bar40 ,we sang it thus3       
,at the bar1 at the bar1    ,where ,i   
smoked my first cigar1      ,and the    
nickels and the dimes rolled away2      
,it was there1 by chance1    ,that ,i   
ripped my ,sunday pants1      ,and now  
,i can wear them every day4    ,another 
parodied 8,nearer1 ,my ,god1 to ,thee10 
thus3      ,nero1 my dog1 has fleas1    
,nero has fleas2      ,although ,i wash 
him clean1    ,nero1 my dog1 has fleas4 
,and thus1 to the tune of 8,hallelujah1 

,thine the ,glory03      ,hellilujah1   
,i'm a hobo1    ,hellilujah1 ,i'm a bum2
    ,hellilujah1 give us a handout1     
,revive us again4    ,there was also in 
circulation at that time a great number 
of parodies  on hymns in which mention  
was made of ,beecham's ,pills1 the      
merits  of which were emblazoned on     
every barn and fence throughout the     
countryside4 ,i have heard that these   
parodies were circulated by  the        
,beecham ,pill people themselves in     
response to a plea of ,english  churches
 for hymn books1 but ,i do not know if  
the story is true4 ,one of  our         
favorites of this collection was the    
parody on 8,hark1 the herald  angels    
sing40 ,it went3      ,hark1 the herald 
,angels sing1    ,beecham's ,pills are  
just the thing2    ,peace on earth and  
mercy mild1    ,two for man and one for 
child4      #f    ,to my long list of   
unhallowed but frequently pleasant      
accomplishments  ,i added1 in my        
sixteenth summer1 journalism and        

dancing2 ,i went to  work on the        
,farmington ,times and learned to waltz 
and two-step1 and  on occasion danced   
the ,virginia ,reel and the quadrille   
with spirit  and abandon if not with    
elegant grace4 ,the practice of         
journalism was  not then1 in all        
quarters1 considered a sin of the first 
magnitude2  nor is it so considered     
to-day except when various ,preachers   
and  other goody-bodies find their names
 mentioned infrequently and their  daily
 denunciations ignored4 ,it is then the 
fashion to denounce the  newspapers1 and
 to deplore the low plane to which the  
fourth estate has  fallen4 ,but in      
,farmington in my youth the feeling     
against the ,sunday  newspaper was so   
great that it was felt generally that   
all journalism  was at least slightly   
tainted1 and so ,i list it as a sin4 ,so
 far as the  financial rewards go1 it is
 even now nothing less than a crime4    
,there was no question about the        
sinfulness of dancing1 especially the   

round dances1 as we used to call the    
waltz and two-step4 ,in some parts  of  
the country exception was made for the  
square dances1 but everywhere  in my    
section of ,missouri the waltz and      
two-step were considered ,steps  toward 
,hell4 ,i frequently heard ,preachers   
and ,brothers and ,sisters  pronounce   
solemn judgment against young girls who 
indulged in such  heinous practices1 and
 brand them before ,god and man as      
abandoned  scarlet women glorying in the
 unsanctified embraces of wicked men4   
,that  was the way the ,preachers       
usually talked1 too4 ,one man in our    
town was  even criticized for waltzing  
with his wife4    ,not only was the     
wicked waltz and the devilish two-step1 
no matter  how decorously performed1 a  
,sunday taboo in our town1 but in our   
most  religious families it was taboo at
 all times1 and several persons were    
dismissed from church for participating 
in such orgies4 ,we had one  ,preacher  
who informed us that both ,sodom and    

,gomorrah were destroyed  by ,god       
because their inhabitants danced and for
 no other reason1 and  the prediction   
was freely made that ,farmington was    
destined for the  same dreadful end1 and
 he intimated that we would not even    
reap the  resultant benefits of great   
fame and publicity4 ,his tirades were   
strikingly similar to the ones that are 
being made every day now by the         
,methodist ,board of ,temperance1       
,prohibition and ,public ,morals against
  ,new ,york ,city and other centers of 
sin4    ,as ,i have said1 for many years
 the ,presbyterians1 city slickers at   
heart1 had a virtual monopoly of dancing
 in ,farmington4 ,it was they  who      
introduced the waltz and the two-step1  
to the great horror of  all of our old  
women1 both male and female1 and it is  
they who must  be held responsible when 
,god sends ,his avenging angels to blast
 and  destroy4 ,occasionally a ,baptist 
or a ,methodist backslid sufficiently to
  trip the light fantastic toe1 as ,i   

delighted to call it as a juvenile      
reporter on the ,times1 but not often2  
generally the ,presbyterians  alone thus
 flaunted their wickedness4 ,but when   
,god failed to perform  as expected1    
others became bold and abandoned all    
caution1 and when ,i  left ,farmington1 
dancing was general and the town was    
obviously headed  straight for ,hell4   
,but even then there was very little    
dancing done on  ,sunday night4    ,we  
had two newspapers in ,farmington1 the  
,times and the ,news1 the  former owned 
by ,mr4 ,theodore ,fisher and the latter
 by the ,denman  brothers1              
extraordinarily devout members of the   
,northern ,methodist  church and leaders
 in most of the town's religious        
activities4 ,mr4  ,fisher was a         
,presbyterian1 a liberal at heart1 but  
for business  reasons he was unable to  
do or say anything to stem the tide of  
prying ,puritanism4 ,both papers were   
controlled by the churches of the  town1
 and published everything that the      

,preachers and the ,brothers  and       
,sisters asked them to2 as ,i grew      
older1 ,mr4 ,fisher became more         
confidential and frequently expressed   
his disgust at many things that  went on
 in ,farmington1 but he was powerless4  
,if he had said a word in  favor of a   
more liberal attitude his paper would   
have had an even more  difficult time   
getting along1 and ,heaven knows it was 
hard enough as  it was2 ,mr4 ,fisher    
frequently had to spend all of ,saturday
 morning  collecting advertising        
accounts so he could pay wages in the   
afternoon4  ,but the ,news was always   
very prosperous4    ,when ,i went into  
the newspaper business1 or game1 as it  
is called in  the motion pictures and   
the schools of ,journalism1 ,i went in  
with the  enthusiastic thoroughness with
 which ,i had abandoned myself to a life
  of sin4 ,mr4 ,fisher hired me at #b a 
week1 during the summer vacation1  to be
 the office devil1 and for that princely
 wage ,i built the fires  each morning1 

swept the office1 carried copy1 set     
type1 distributed pi1  kicked the job   
press1 cranked the gasoline engine on   
,thursdays1 fed the  big roller press1  
folded the papers1 wrote names on them  
and carried  them to the ,post ,office  
in sacks4 ,and ,i had many other duties 
besides4    ,these multitudinous        
activities sufficed me for a few weeks1 
because  in doing them1 and in so being 
engaged in journalistic practice1 ,i    
had the same feeling that so encouraged 
me when ,i danced or drank or  smoked   
cigarettes2 ,i was confident that ,i was
 doing something of which  the righteous
 did not wholly approve4 ,but later ,i  
became ambitious4 ,i  wanted to be an   
editor4 ,only ,god knows why1 but ,i    
did4 ,so ,i became an  editor2 indeed1  
,i became many editors4 ,using the small
 job press and  ,mr4 ,fisher's stock of 
vari-colored inks1 ,i printed cards     
informing the  world that ,i was        
sporting editor1 society editor1 fire   
editor1 crime  editor1 baseball editor1 

football editor1 financial editor1      
religious  editor1 and barber-shop      
editor1 this last because ,i purposed to
  interview the customers in ,doss's    
barber shop4    ,thus equipped1 ,i felt 
able to handle any journalistic problem 
that  might confront me1 and ,i spent my
 spare time interviewing people  and    
gathering items which1 because of the   
extreme godliness of our  citizens1     
usually consisted of nothing more       
exciting than announcements  that       
so-and-so was on the sick list1 or had  
been on the sick list and  was now      
improving4 ,when ,i asked a banker if he
 knew any news ,i gravely  presented him
 with my financial-editor card2 and when
 it became my  proud duty to interview  
my youthful idol and our most famous    
citizen1  ,mr4 ,barney ,pelty1 the      
major-league baseball pitcher1 he       
learned by  ocular proof that ,i was    
both sporting editor and baseball       
editor1  and as such fully competent to 
transmit to type and to posterity his   

deathless utterances4 ,as ,i recall     
them1 these were generally that he      
would be in town to visit his relatives 
or because some member of his  family   
was on the sick list1 and would then    
return to ,st4 ,louis to  take up again 
the onerous duties of his profession4   
,once he predicted  that the ,browns    
would win the pennant1 and ,i wrote this
 exclusive  information with all the    
large and handsome words at my command1 
but he  was mistaken4    ,as time went  
on ,i became almost everything that it  
was possible  to be on the ,times2 ,i   
was printer1 pressman1 reporter1        
mechanic1  editor of this and that1 and 
what not4 ,but ,i was never permitted to
  write editorials or chronicle the     
doings of our best people4 ,the  ,times 
was passionately addicted to the        
,democrats1 and each week our  editorial
 page trumpeted the widely known and    
indisputable fact that  the ,republicans
 were a lot of skunks4 ,these blasts    
were written1 and  well written1 by ,mr4

 ,fisher himself1 and my own share in   
the good work  was merely to put them   
into type1 and occasionally correct ,mr4
 ,fisher's  phraseology when ,i did not 
think that he had expressed himself     
clearly4  ,and since these corrections  
were made at the case after the proof   
had  been corrected1 they nearly always 
got printed1 sometimes with dire        
results4 ,once ,mr4 ,fisher wrote1 in   
jovial vein1 about the gaudy house  in  
which a certain political candidate     
resided1 and ,i corrected it  to read   
8bawdy house10 holding that the latter  
was more definitely  descriptive4       
,another member of ,mr4 ,fisher's       
family1 who had previously spoken to me 
pleasantly when she met me on the street
 but who regarded me as nothing  but    
hired help after ,i had accepted        
employment1 wrote about the social      
activities of our first families on     
,columbia ,street and the second and    
third families in ,doss's ,addition4 ,i 
was occasionally permitted to  describe 

the pitiful doings of the ,catholics1   
the ,lutherans and other  curious humans
 down near the ice plant1 and the weekly
 dances given  by the abandoned young   
people at our chief source of civic     
pride1 the  insane asylum4 ,but the     
functions of ,society were obviously    
beyond  the descriptive powers of a mere
 printer's devil4 ,it was bad enough    
that such a person had to set the type4 
,nevertheless ,i attended these         
functions1 and gained great comfort by  
inserting my name in the list  of those 
present1 and by adding the important and
 vital information  that dainty and     
delicious refreshments had been served  
and a good time  had by all4 ,if it was 
a birthday party the host was wished    
many happy  returns of the day4 ,it was 
my belief at that time that it was      
against  the law to publish an account  
of a social event without so stating4   
,it  was not always true2 frequently the
 refreshments were not delicious  and no
 one had a good time1 but in those days 

,i did not have that high  regard for   
the truth that ,i have since acquired   
through labors on the  great            
metropolitan journals2 indeed1 a night  
seldom passes now that ,i  do not ask   
myself3 8,have ,i written the truth     
to-day80 ,the answer1 has1  so far1     
eluded me4 ,but ,mr4 ,fisher1 and to an 
even greater extent the  ,brothers      
,denman1 sole owners of the ,news1      
frankly tried to please the  advertisers
 and the subscribers2 there was not then
 that fine spirit of  independence which
 is such an essential part of modern    
journalism4    ,i advanced rapidly on   
the ,times1 and eventually was receiving
 #g  a week and had appointed myself to 
so many editorships that my cards       
filled two pockets4 ,i was satisfied1   
and probably would have remained  so for
 some years1 but the end of my allotted 
time in ,farmington was  drawing near4  
,i went to ,northeast ,missouri to visit
 relatives1 and ,mr4  ,fisher discharged
 me for over-staying my leave4 ,this was

 a terrific  blow2 it seemed to me that 
my journalistic career had been cut off 
in  the flower of its youth4 ,i went to 
work in a lumber yard1 and kept the  job
 until the first carload of cement came 
in4 ,but after ,i had pulled  and tugged
 at the ninety-eight-pound sacks for ten
 hours ,i concluded  that the lumber    
business held out no glowing promise for
 a young man  who wished to retain his  
health and have leisure for a reasonable
  amount of traffic with ,satan4    ,so 
,i resigned and went to ,quincy1 ,ill41 
where after considerable  negotiations  
,i obtained a job as reporter on the    
,quincy ,journal and  embarked on a     
career in daily journalism4 ,so far this
 has kept me in  the cities1 where the  
opportunities for sin are vastly more   
numerous  than in the small towns1 but  
where there is less sin in proportion   
to the number of inhabitants4 ,this is  
true despite the horde of  wailing      
prophets and professional devil-chasers 
and snoopers whose  principal occupation

 is violent and false denunciation of   
every city  large enough to have an     
electric-light plant4 ,and in a city one
 can1  by diligent search1 find a few   
people who will admit that a man's      
religion1 or his lack of religion1 is   
his own affair4          ,,conclusions  
,,of ,a ,,man ,,gone ,,to ,,the ,,devil 
,if there is anything in religious      
inheritance1 or in the influence  of a  
religious environment1 ,i should be1 if 
not an actual ,pastor of  a flock1 at   
least one of the most devout of the     
faithful1 a snooping  ,brother concerned
 only with good works4 ,but instead of  
carrying on the  work of my forefathers 
,i find myself full of contempt for the 
,church1  and disgust for the forms of  
religion4 ,to me such things are silly2 
,i  cannot understand how grown people  
can believe in them1 or how they can    
repress their giggles as they listen to 
the ministerial platitudes and  perform 
such mummeries as are the rule in all   
churches4    ,never since the night of  

my 8conversion0 have ,i gone into a     
church to  worship4 ,i have frequently  
entered such dens of righteousness1 but 
my  visits1 except for a few that ,i    
made soon after ,brother ,mc,connell's  
revival meeting to please my father and 
mother1 have been on newspaper          
assignment or out of curiosity4 ,i have 
inquired into the doctrine of  almost   
every sect that has adherents in        
,america1 but in none of them  have ,i  
been able to find any sign of a true and
 beneficent ,god4 ,i can  see only      
groups of sanctimonious1 self-seeking   
,little ,jack ,horners  chasing about   
poking their fingers into someone else's
 pie1 and then  shouting gleefully3     
8,look at me1 ,god6 ,look what ,i found6
 ,ooooh6 ,ain't  it nice and smutty80   
,they cannot practice their religion    
without  prancing and cavorting before  
the public eye2 they are constantly     
showing off4 ,they are not so much      
concerned with the glory of ,god as     
with the glory of the front page4 ,and  

what time they are not whirling  giddily
 in such imbecilities1 they are engaged 
in disgusting squabbles  among          
themselves as to who shall have the     
local agency for purveying  religion2   
they want to copyright salvation in the 
name of their  particular sect4    ,on  
all sides we hear that religion is the  
greatest thing in the world  and that   
mankind's chief need is more of it4 ,but
 it is my conviction  that mankind would
 be infinitely better off with less of  
it1 and  probably best off with none of 
it4 ,nothing has ever caused more       
trouble4 ,the whole history of religion 
is a record of war1 murder1  torture1   
rape1 massacre1 distrust1 hypocrisy1    
anguish1 persecution and  continual and 
unseemly bickering2 it is a rare church 
that has not  been the scene of         
disorderly brawls4 ,it has divided towns
 and nations  into bitter factions2 it  
has turned brother against sister and   
father  against son2 it has blighted    
romances2 it is a prime cause of        

insanity2  there is hardly anything     
harmful to the human race that it has   
not  done as it pursued its meddlesome1 
intolerant way down the ages4 ,its      
followers proclaim loudly that their    
particular belief is synonymous  with   
love1 and bawl threats and epithets     
against anyone who denies  it2 but in   
truth religion comes more nearly to     
being synonymous with  hatred and       
revenge1 with each sect praying to ,god 
to grant it special  privileges and to  
damn the others4    ,i have never at any
 time regretted my complete withdrawal  
from all  forms of religion and churchly
 ceremony4 ,during many years of my     
childhood1 while mental and physical    
habits were forming1 these things  kept 
me in constant terror2 ,i was horrified 
by the thought of the awful  things that
 ,god was preparing to do to me2 ,i was 
fearful and miserable  lest ,i give     
birth to an idea that was not perfectly 
righteous and in  keeping with ,his     
commands as laid down by ,his agents4   

,the ,bible1 which  ,i necessarily      
interpreted in the light of what ,i had 
been taught1  caused me more nightmares 
than any other book ,i have ever read1  
and ,i  was vastly more alarmed by the  
tales of the fires of ,hell related to  
me by the ,preachers and the ,brothers  
and ,sisters than ,i was in later  life 
by the thunder of ,german artillery or  
the crackle of machine-gun  bullets4    
,since ,i left ,farmington ,i have been 
near death many times1 both as a        
soldier in ,france and from the natural 
illnesses incident to civil  life4 ,at  
least three times ,i have been told that
 ,i had but a few hours  to live4 ,yet  
even then ,i did not feel the need of   
religion1 nor for a  preacher or a      
priest to pray over me to a ,god that   
neither of us knew1  and perform        
ceremonies founded on pagan rites4 ,how 
can an intelligent  ,god pay any        
attention to a last-minute deathbed     
repentance that it  is so obviously the 
result of fear and nothing else8 ,the   

religionist  expects ,god to wash all   
his sins off the slate merely because1  
when he  is about to die1 he says he is 
sorry4 ,if there be a ,god1 cannot ,he  
look  into such a shrunken little soul  
and see that there is nothing in it  but
 a fear of death and a horror of the    
unknown8    ,i am not an atheist1       
because for all ,i know to the contrary 
there may  be a ,god1 or any number of  
,gods1 but to me the ,god worshiped by  
my  forefathers and by the religionists 
of to-day is a cruel1 preposterous      
creation conceived by a people who felt 
the need of chastisement4  ,he is a     
celestial traffic cop1 hounded by       
whimpering weaklings who  beseech ,him  
to tell them they are on the right road1
 and yet keep  trying to show ,him which
 way the traffic should go4 ,in the     
,christian  and ,jewish conceptions of  
the ,heavenly ,father ,i can see nothing
 that  is fit for a civilized man to    
worship2 indeed1 the nearer a man       
approaches civilization and             

intelligence1 the less need there is for
  him to worship anything4 ,conversely  
it is the stupid1 illiterate man1       
knowing neither how to read nor how to  
think1 who is most often the  religious 
fanatic4 ,he understands nothing and is 
afraid of everything2  he goes through  
life as a small boy goes past a         
graveyard at night1  whistling to keep  
up his courage4 ,he requires religion   
and its twin1  superstition1 to give him
 strength to contemplate the wonders of 
the  sunset and the falling rain4       
,for my part1 ,i simply refuse to worry 
about ,god4 ,if there is a ,god1 ,i     
hope that ,i may in time find favor in  
,his sight and obtain my share  of the  
spiritual loot2 there is nothing that ,i
 can do about it4 ,and  if there is no  
,god1 there is nothing ,i can do about  
that1 either4 ,i  profess neither       
knowledge nor theory about the ,supreme 
,being and the  heavenly wonders2       
knowing nothing1 ,i believe nothing1 and
 believing  nothing1 ,i am prepared to  

believe anything1 asking only reasonably
  correct information and authentic     
signs4 ,these ,i fail to find in        
selfish prayers1 constant squabbling    
over the wishes of the ,lord and  the   
building of magnificent temples within  
sight and hearing of the  ramshackle    
tenements of the poor4 ,i do not believe
 that ,i shall ever  find them1 for     
8,wherefore and whence we are ye cannot 
know1    ,nor where life springs1 nor   
whither life doth go40    ,without      
religion ,i thoroughly enjoy the        
business of living4 ,i am  oppressed by 
no dreadful taboos1 and ,i am without   
fear2 ,i set myself no  standards save  
those of ordinary self-respect1 decent  
consideration of  the rights and        
privileges of others1 and the observance
 of the laws of  the land except        
,prohibition4 ,to my own satisfaction1  
at least1 ,i have  proved that religion 
and the ,church are not at all necessary
 to a full  and happy life4 ,and if ,i  
am thus a sinner and my chance of       

ultimate  salvation forfeit1 then the   
fault lies at the door of those fanatics
  whose method of teaching religion to a
 child was1 and is1 to hammer it  into  
his head by constant threats of terrible
 punishment1 by drawing  torturing word 
pictures of ,hell1 by describing ,god as
 a vicious1  vindictive old man1 by     
scolding and tormenting and laying down 
taboos  until the poor child's brain    
whirls in an agony of fright and misery4
  ,i know of no better way to salute    
them than to refer them to certain      
words of their own ,savior1 to be found 
in the thirty-fourth verse of  the      
twenty-third chapter of the ,book of    
,st4 ,luke4           99       99       
99       99       99    ,if ,i ever have
 a son1 which now seems unlikely1 his   
boyhood will be  quite different from my
 own4 ,for him ,sunday shall be a day of
 rest and  pleasure2 there shall be no  
taboos1 and no attendance upon church   
and  ,sunday school unless their        
performances are more interesting than  

other  available entertainment4 ,they   
now rank just below the moving pictures1
  and are therefore last4 ,i shall bring
 my son in contact with the sacred      
books of the ,christians1 the ,jews1 the
 ,buddhists and of all the other        
religions as rapidly as he is able to   
comprehend them1 and he shall be        
permitted to choose his own religion if 
he decides that a religion is  necessary
 to his happiness and peace of mind4    
,but if he shows any signs  of becoming 
a preacher1 priest or rabbi1 or even a  
,brother1 ,i shall  whale hell out of   
him4 ,i am that intolerant4      ,,the  
,,end          ,a ,,note ,,on ,,the     
,,type ,,in ,,which ,,this ,,book ,,is  
,,set      ,this book is composed on the
 ,linotype in ,bodoni1 so-called after  
its  designer1 ,giambattista ,bodoni    
7#agdj-ahac7 a celebrated ,italian      
scholar  and printer4 ,bodoni planned   
his type especially for use on the more 
smoothly finished papers that came into 
vogue late in the eighteenth  century   

and drew his letters with a mechanical  
regularity that is  readily apparent on 
comparison with the less formal old     
style4 ,other  characteristics that will
 be noted are the square serifs without 
fillet  and the marked contrast between 
the light and heavy strokes4            
,illustration      ,,set ,,up1          
,,electrotyped ,,and ,,printed     ,,by 
,,the ,,vail-,,ballou ,,press1 ,,inc41  
,,binghamton1 ,n4 ,y4  ,,esparto        
,,paper ,,manufactured ,,in ,,scotland1 
,,and ,,furnished ,,by ,w4      ,f4     
,,etherington  ,,co41 ,,new             
,,york  ,,bound ,,by ,h4                
,,wolff ,,estate1             ,,new     
,,york4          ,,transcriber',s       
,,notes3        ,italicized text is     
surrounded by underscores3 italics4     
,obvious typographical errors have been 
corrected4      ,inconsistencies in     
hyphenation have been standardized4     
,archaic or variant spelling has been   
retained4      ,on page #ci1 based upon 
context1 8,we could have no indoor      

games0 in the      original should be   
8,we could have no outdoor games02 this 
e,book      reflects this change4