,fa!r ,tom & ! ,pope4           ,fa!r   
,tom & ! ,pope1     ,,or     ,a ,night 9
 ! ,vatican4           ,,new ,,york3    
,a4 ,,simpson  ,,co41     #ahfg4        
,aga?ynian ,press1 #fj ,duane ,/reet1   
,n4,y4          ,illu/ration            
,,preface4      ,!re are sev]al que/ions
 :i* at ?is pres5t "t rema9  unsettl$4  
,"o ( !m is1 :o inv5t$ gunp[d]8 ,ano!r  
is1  :i* ( !m 0 x1 ,fau/ or ,guttemb]g1 
t inv5t$ pr9t+8  ,ano!r is1 :e!r !      
,deity creat$ nature1 or nature creat$  
itself8 ,t is a pos]4 ,ano!r is :e!r !  
orig9al egg 0  ! p>5t ( ! *ick51 or !   
egg 0 ! orig9al ance/or (  t celebrat$  
fea!r$ f[l8 ,de novum ovum1 says        
,x9ctillios1  insep]atum prim]o1 cum    
possibilitas1 et cr$5tia1 9 meo judicio1
  quam supra calcis phospas1 qui e/1 9 !
 bones ( ! *ick54  ,9 o!r words1 & to   
make x pla9 to ! read]1 he1 ,x9ctillios1
  _c und]/& h[ x is possible = human    
compreh5sion to see a  new laid egg1 )\t
 p]mitt+ 9 8 judgm5t ! idea ( phosphate 
( lime exi/+ 9 ! osse\s /ructure ( !    

bones ( ! orig9al  h54 ,/4 ,b>dolphus   
ent]ta9s a contr>y op9ion1 ,anam1 aname1
 mona  mike1 says he1 ,b>celona bona    
/rike1 says he1 h>um sc>um1 wy  frone   
:ack6 7,i give y ! orig9al ,coptic7     
,h>rico b>rico1 we  won frac6    ,betwe5
 ^! two cont5d+ op9ions ,i h no?+ to    
say4 ,!  dogmas ( ! ,roman ,ca?olic     
,*ur*1 & ! folatr]ies ( !  philosoph]s (
 ! high s*ool ( nature1 diff] s widely1 
t x is  impossible = common s5se to     
adopt ei!r ! "o or ! o!r--&  ! ,greek   
,*ur* on ^! po9ts has giv5 no decid$    
op9ion6    ,su* a dilemma pres5ts itself
 :5 we come to consid] ! cont5ts (  ?is 
volume4 ,:o wrote x8 ,"s say1 ,"l       
,br\gham2 & "s attribute  x to ! ,duke (
 ,well+ton1 :o und]/ood ! ,iri% v]nacul>
 to  a dot4 ,i h a %rewd suspicion t    
,mag9n1 a high tory1 al?\gh  a good     
,roman ,ca?olic1 & "o ( ! prom95t       
contributors to  ,blackwood1 l5t 8 help+
 h& to x1 if he 7 n ! real  au?or ( x   
all8 ,h[&iv]1 to use a phrase ( ! au?or1
 let u  look into ! hi/ory ( x4    ,fa!r

 ,tom ,maguire1 a prom95t ,roman        
,ca?olic prie/ 9 ,kille%&ra1  ,irel&1 ( 
! p>i% ( ,innismagra?1 0 "o ( ! mo/     
celebrat$  m5 ( 8 "t4 ,he 0 a spl5did   
orator1 tra9$ at ,maynoo?2 he  0 a high 
liv]--ev]y?+ consi/+ ( meat & dr9k on 8 
table 0 ( ! be/2 8 w9es 7 excell5t1 & he
 kept ! be/  /able & ! f9e/ greyh\nds 9 
,irel&4 ,he 0 a bold fox-hunt]2  rode   
ov] dit*1 h$ge & five-b>r$ gate1 & :5 8 
good ,bi%op  int]dict$ ^! sports ( !    
,iri% cl]gy1 says he1 ,i w give  up my  
hunt+1 says he2 b if ,i mu/ give up my  
greyh\nds1 !re  is a little ,prote/ant  
p>i% *ur* h>d by wait+ = me4 ,:e!r  ?is 
?reat _h ! desir$ effect is n kn[n4 ,x  
is said t  he abjur$ 8 *ur* & di$ a     
h]etic4 ,h[ mu* ( ?is we c  believe     
dep5ds altoge!r ^u ! am\nt ( our        
cr$ulity4 ,x  may be true1 &1 alas6 x   
may n6 ,fa!r ,tom1 z ! great ,roman     
,ca?olic controv]siali/1 0 *all5g$ to   
decide by argum5t1 !  sup]iority ( !    
,romi% ,*ur* ov] t ( ! ,e/abli%$ ,*ur*  
( ,engl&1 by ! ,rev4 ,ri*>d ,t4,p4      

,pope1 a cl]gyman ( ! latt]  p]suasion4 
,! controv]sy took place 9 ! ,rotunda1  
at ,dubl91  ab\t =ty ye>s ago4#a ,cr[ds 
( spectators assembl$ to witness  !     
religi\s conte/4 ,( c\rse ! ladies1 :o  
always take a great  int]e/ 9 religi\s  
disputations1 7 pres5t 9 great numb]s4  
,!  beauty & ! fa%ion1 ! graceful1 !    
wise & ! witty ( ,dubl9  assembl$ to he>
 ^! knotty po9ts discuss$4 ,! ,rev4 ,mr4
 ,pope1  :o 0 a v le>n$ s*ol>1 b        
un=tunately a timid man1 bas$  8 great  
argum5t ^u ! ,bible itself4 ,s long z he
 /ood ^u  ?is gr\nd 8 argum5ts 7        
unassailable4 ,b ,fa!r ,tom1 by "o (  ^?
 dext]\s twi/s s well kn[n 9 polemics1  
manag$ to get ,pope  to %ift 8 gr\nd f !
 ,bible to ! ,fa!rs4 ,! dispute1 :i*  _h
 occupi$ sev]al days1 up to ?is "t _h   
be5 9 favor ( ,pope1  b :5 ,fa!r        
,maguire got him entangl$ 9 ! ,fa!rs1 & 
hurl$  at him quotation aft] quotation f
 ,/4 ,au/91 ,/4 ,*ryso/om1 &  o!rs--poor
 ,pope1 :o knew v little ( ! ,fa!rs1    
became s  dumb-f\nd]d t he 0 incapable (

 mak+ a reply1 & ! victory  re/$ ) ,fa!r
 ,tom4 ,b aft] ! controv]sy 0 ov] !     
,rev4  ,mr4 ,pope took up ! ,fa!rs1 & to
 8 surprise c\ld n f9d any  ( !         
quotations t ,fa!r ,tom _h cit$6 ,l a   
true s*ol>1 he  publi%$ a book1 expos+ !
 fallacies ( 8 antagoni/4 ,b !  "t _h   
gone by4 ,few p c>$ to read x1 few] /ill
 _h pati5ce  to wade ?r\gh labori\s     
d5ials ( ! sm>t say+s ( ,fa!r ,tom  9 ! 
,rotunda2 ! sp>kle 0 (f--! *ampagne _h  
ceas$ to  eff]vesce--& ,mr4 ,pope nev]  
recov]$ ! gr\nd he _h lo/4    ,"s ye>s  
elaps$1 & ! ,rev4 ,tre%am ,d4 ,gregg1 ( 
!  ,e/abli%$ ,*ur*1 took up ! polemical 
cudgels to demoli% !  r$\btable *ampion 
( ! ,romi% ,*ur*4 ,he 0 j su* a man  z 8
 antagoni/1 vehem5t1 l\d voic$--( ! ad  
capt&um1  knock-d[n-&-drag-out s*ool4   
,al?\gh n ackn[l$g$ by !  ,*ur* ( ,engl&
 z ! ,golia? ( its fai?1 yet !re is no  
d\bt  ( ! secret exultation ( its cl]gy 
at 8 success4 ,! *all5ge  0 accept$1 & =
 a =tnight ! ,rotunda ( ,dubl9 rang ) ! 
v]bal bl[s ( ^! d\ghty combatants4      

,victory pois$ h] scales1  ! conte/ hung
 9 ! balance4 ,at la/1 "o aft]noon1 aft]
 !  battle ( ! day 0 ov]1 ,gregg rais$ 8
 mighty arm high 9 !  air1 & said t on !
 next day1 ! secrets ( ! confessional   
w\ld be ! subject ( ! disc\rse1 & w>n$ !
 ladies1 't  no mode/ woman w\ld appe>1 
or c\ld appe>1 :ile he reveal$ !        
secrets ( t p[]ful in/rum5t ( ! ,romi%  
,*ur*4'    ,! consequ5ces may be imag9$4
 ,! hall 0 pack$ to ov]fl[+  by ! g5tl] 
sex4 ,ladies ( ! ,ca?olic p]suasion1    
consci\s (  ! inability ( ! orator to   
make 8 words good1 flock$ to he>  8     
discomfiture4 ,^? ( ! o!r p]suasion 7   
induc$ to come  f a laudable curiosity4 
,! argum5t1 if argum5t x might be       
call$1 consi/$ on ,gregg's "p ( t /yle  
:i* ,poe has prop]ly  d5om9at$ ! awkw>d 
left arm ( satire--invective4 ,he _h    
caught ,fa!r ,tom at s+le /ick & paid   
him (f 9 8 own way4  ,!re 0 ( c\rse no  
little allusion to indelicate matt]s4   
,aft] !  argum5t ! ,rev4 ,mr4 ,gregg _h 
to be escort$ to 8 lodg+s by a  troop ( 

dragoons4 ,b at ! close ( ! debate he   
ann\nc$1 t on  ! morr[ ! subject w\ld be
 cont9u$4 ,b on ! foll[+ day  ,fa!r ,tom
 did n appe>4 ,! victori\s ,gregg 0 cock
 ( ! walk2  ! judgm5t w5t by default4   
,:e!r any "o among ! speak]s or li/5]s  
became bett]  ,*ri/ians aft] !          
controv]sy1 is a "q4 ,x is d\btful :e!r 
,gregg or ,fa!r ,tom made or lo/ a s+le 
conv]t to ei!r fai?4    ,fa!r ,tom & !  
,pope fir/ saw ! light 9 ,blackwood1 t5 
ye>s  aft] ^! controv]sies4 ,x may h be5
 writt5 by ,mag9n1 :o 0  a good         
,ca?olic1 b x may truly be said ( him1 t
 al?\gh he  lov$ ! ,*ur* mu*1 he lov$   
fun m4 ,z a "w ( m]e wit x  mu/ take its
 place ) "s ( ! brighte/ ef=ts (        
,rabelais1 (  ,montaigne1 or ( ,pascal4 
,! +5uity ) :i* ! conv]sation betwe5 !  
,pope &  ,fa!r ,tom is develop$ to !    
read]1 =ms no little "p ( its           
felicit\sness4 ,a h$ge prie/1 "o ,mi*ael
 ,heff]nan1 ( ! ,national  ,s*ool (     
,ballymacktagg>t1 is ! int]locutor4 ,?is
 keep] ( a  ragg$ s*ool1 "u ! %ad[ ( an 

,iri% h$ge1 is ! expon5t (  !ological   
controv]sies t h %ak5 ! _w6 ,happy      
satire6  :i* l summ] lightn+1 cle>s up !
 atmosph]e1 & makes ev5  ! skies bright1
 blue1 beautiful & buoyant4 ,to u6 poor 
mortals6 to  :om a t\* ( nature %akes ! 
laught] out ( u1 or br+s !  te>s into   
our eyes1 su* books are ! treasures (   
our language4    ,if out ( ! sorr[ &    
mis]y ( ?is _w1 wit has manag$ to       
alleviate "o %ade ( human suff]+2 if x  
has lift$ up its h&  aga9/ tyranny2 if x
 has sometimes by ! p5 ( ,c]vantes      
less5$  ! ridicul\s p[] ( a s-call$     
*ivalry2 or 9 ! satires (  ,swift1      
de/roy$ ! pre/ige ( h]$it>y bir?2 if x  
has done any  good 9 ?is _w1 let s mu*  
good be acc\nt$ to x4    ,illu/ration   
,,footnotes3    ,footnote #a3 ,9 #ahbg4 
,,*apt] ,i4    ,,h[ ,,fa!r ,,tom ,,w5t  
,,to ,,take ,,pot-,,luck ,,at ,,!       
,,vatican4      ,:5 8 ,riv'r5ce 0 9     
,room1 ov coorse ! ,pope ax$ him to take
 pot  look wid him4 ,m be tok51 x 0 on a
 ,friday2 b1 = all t1  !re 0 pl5ty (    

mate2 = ! ,pope gev himself an          
absolution f  ! fa/ on acc\nt ov ! great
 company t 0 9 x--at la/e s  ,i'm t\ld4 
,h[&iv]1 !re's no fa/ on ! dhr9k1       
anyh[--glory be  to ,god6--& s1 z !y wor
 sitt+1 af!r d9n]1 tak+ _! sup  toge!r1 
says ! ,pope1 says he1 ,?omaus--= !     
,pope1 y "k1  spakes t away1 all z "o z 
"o ov uz--,?omaus a lanna1 says  he1    
,i'm t\ld y welt !m ,engli% h]etics out 
ov ! face4    ,y may say t1 says 8      
,riv'r5ce to him aga94 ,be my s[l1  says
 he1 if ,i put y\r ,hol9ess undh] !     
table1 y won't be !  fir/ ,pope ,i      
floor$4    ,well1 8 ,hol9ess laugh$ l to
 split2 =1 y "k1 ,pope 0  ! great       
,prodesan t ,fa!r ,tom put d[n ^u       
,purga?ory2 & ov  coorse !y knew all !  
ins & outs ov ! con?rav>sy at ,room4    
,faix1 ,?omaus1 says he1 smil+ across ! 
table at him mighty  agreeable--x's no  
lie :at !y tell me1 t y\rself is !      
pleasant man ov] ! dhrop ov good liquor4
    ,w\ld y l to ?ry8 says 8 ,riv'r5ce4 
,sure1 & amn't ,i ?ry+ all ,i c8 says ! 

,pope4 ,sorra bet!r  bottle ov w9e's    
betuxt ?is & ,salaman*a1 nor's !re =n5/ 
y  on ! table2 its raal ,la*rymal*ry/al1
 e spudh ov x4    ,x's mortial c\ld1    
says ,fa!r ,tom4    ,well1 man alive1   
says ! ,pope1 sure & "h's ! be/ ov good 
cl>et 9 ! cut decan!r4    ,n man+ to    
make little ov ! cl>et1 y\r ,hol9ess1   
says 8  ,riv'r5ce1 ,i w\ld prefir "s hot
 wa!r & sug>1 wid a glass (  spirits    
?r\gh x1 if convani5t4    ,h& me ov] !  
bottle ov br&y1 says ! ,pope to 8 head  
butl]1  & fet* up ! mat]i'ls1 says he4  
,ah1 !n1 y\r ,hol9ess1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1
 mighty eag]1 maybe  y'd h a dhrop ov ! 
native 9 y\r cell>8 ,sure x's all "o    
?r\ble1 says he1 &1 tro?1 ,i dunna h[ x 
is1 b br&y always  plays ! puck wid my  
in?rails4    ',pon my consci5ce1 !n1    
says ! ,pope1 x's v sorry ,i am1  ,mi/h]
 ,maguire1 says he1 t x isn't 9 my p[]  
to plase y2  = ,i'm sure & c]ta9t t     
!re's n z mu* :isky 9 ,room ?is  bless$ 
m9it z 'ud bl9d ! eye ov a midge4       
,well1 9 tro?1 y\r ,hol9ess1 says ,fa!r 

,tom1 ,i knewn !re 0 no  use 9 ax+2     
only1 says he1 ,i didn't "k h[ else to  
exqueeze !  lib]ty ,i tuck1 says he1 ov 
br++ a small ta/e1 says he1 ov !  raal  
/uff1 says he1 haul+ out an imp]i'l qu>t
 bottle out ov 8  coat-pocket2 t nev]   
se5 ! face ov a gaug]1 says he1 sett+  x
 d[n on ! table =n5/ ! ,pope3 & if y'll 
ji/ ?ry !  full ov a ?imble ov x1 & if x
 doesn't rise ! cockles ov y\r          
,hol9ess's he>t1 :y1 !n1 my "n1 says he1
 isn't ,tom ,maguire6  & wid t he outs  
wid ! cork4    ,well1 ! ,pope at fir/ 0 
go+ to get vex$ at ,fa!r ,tom =  fet*+  
dhr9k ?ataway 9 8 pocket1 z if !re      
wasn't la%9s  9 ! h\se3 s says he1      
,mi/h] ,maguire1 says he1 ,i'd h y  to  
compreh9d ! diff] betuxt an invitation  
to d9n] f !  succissor ov ,sa9t ,pe!r1 &
 f a common mayur or a ,prodesan        
squire5 t maybe hasn't liquor en\gh 9 8 
cupbo>d to wet m  nor 8 own h]etical    
:i/le4 ,t may be ! way wid !m t y  visit
 9 ,lei?rim1 says he1 & 9 ,roscommon2 & 
,i'd let y "k  ! diff] 9 ! pris9t case1 

says he1 only t y're a *ampion  ( !     
,*ur* & entitl$ to lani5cy4 ,s1 says he1
 z ! liquor's  come1 let x /ay4 ,& 9    
tro? ,i'm curis myself1 says he1 gett+  
mighty s(t :5 he f\nd ! delightful smell
 ov ! putte51 9  invi/igat+ !           
composition ov di/ill$ liquors2 x's a   
bran* (  natural philosophy1 says he1   
tak+ up ! bottle & putt+ x to  8 bless$ 
nose4 ,ah6 my de>1 ! v fir/ snuff he got
 ov x1 he  cri$ out1 ! de> man3 ,bless$ 
,v>g91 b x has ! div9e smell6  & cross$ 
himself & ! bottle half-a-doz5 times    
runn+4    ,well1 sure en\gh1 x's !      
bless$ liquor n[1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1  & s
 !re c be no h>m any way 9 mix+ a d&y ov
 pun*2 &1  says he1 /irr+ up ! mat]i'ls 
) 8 goold5 muddl]--=  ev]y?+ at !       
,pope's table1 to ! v s*rew = draw+ !   
corks1 0 ov v]g9 goold--if ,i might make
 b\ld1 says he1 to spake  on s deep a   
subjic a=e y\r ,hol9ess1 ,i ?9k x 'ud   
considh]ably  facilitate ! invi/igation 
ov its *emi/hry & phw>maceutics1 if  y'd
 ji/ ?ry ! la/e sup 9 life ov x inw>dly4

    ,well1 !n1 suppose ,i d make ! same 
expirim5t1 says ! ,pope1 9  a mu* m     
condisc9d+ way nor y'd h expect$--& wid 
t he  mixes himself a real /iff fac]4   
,n[1 y\r ,hol9ess1 says ,fa!r ,tom1 ?is 
be9' ! fir/ "t y  ev] disp9s$ !m        
*ymicals1 says he1 ,i'll j make b\ld to 
lay d[n "o rule ( or?ography1 says he1 =
 con:\nd+ !m1  secundem mortem4         
,:at's t8 says ! ,pope4    ,put 9 !     
sp]its fir/1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce2 & !n put 
9 !  sug>2 & rememb]1 e dhrop ov wa!r y 
put 9 aft] t spoils  ! pun*4    ,glory  
be to ,god6 says ! ,pope1 n m9d+ a ^w   
,fa!r ,tom 0  say+4 ,glory be to ,god6  
says he1 smack+ 8 lips4 ,i nev] knewn   
:at dhr9k 0 a=e1 says he4 ,x bates !    
,la*rymal*ry/al out (  ! face6 says     
he--x's ,nec?> itself1 x is1 s x is6    
says he1  wip+ 8 epi/olical m\? wid !   
cuff ov 8 coat4    ',pon my secret      
honor1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 ,i'm raally    
glad to see  y\r ,hol9ess set s mu* to  
y\r satisfaction2 especially1 says he1  
z1 = fe> ov accid5ts1 ,i tuck ! lib]ty  

ov fet*+ ! fell[  ov t small ves%el1    
says he1 9 my o!r coat pocket4 ,s divil 
a  fe> ov our runn+ dhry till ! b-end ov
 ! ev5+1 anyh[1 says  he4    ,dhraw y\r 
/ool 9 to ! fire1 ,mi/h] ,maguire1 says 
! ,pope1  = faix1 says he1 ,i'm b5t on  
analys+ ! metaphwysics ov ?is  ph9om5on4
 ,come1 man alive1 cle> (f1 says he1    
y're n dhr9k+  at all4    ,is x dhr9k8  
says 8 ,riv'r5ce2 by ,gorra1 y\r        
,hol9ess1 says he1  ,i'd dhr9k wid y    
till ! c[s'ud be com+ home 9 ! morn+4   
,s wid t !y tackl$ to1 to ! second fugee
 a piece1 & fell into  l>n$ disc\rse4 ,b
 x's "t = me n[ to be (f to ! lec?ir  at
 ! ,boord4 ,oh my sorra light ^u ye1    
,doc!r ,:ately1 wid y\r  pilitical      
econimy & y\r hydh]a/atics6 ,:at ! di\l 
use has a  poor h$ge-ma/] l me wid su*  
deep l>n+ z is only fit = !  likes ( !m 
two t ,i left ov] _! second tumbl]8     
,h[&iv]1  wi%+ ,i 0 l !m1 9 reg>d ov !  
sup ( dhr9k1 anyh[1 ,i mu/  break (f my 
norration = ! pris9t2 b :5 ,i see y     
aga91 ,i'll  tell y h[ ,fa!r ,tom made a

 h>e ov ! ,pope t ev5+1 bo? 9  !ology & 
! cube root4          ,,*apt] ,,ii4     
,,h[ ,,fa!r ,,tom ,,sack$ ,,8 ,,hol9ess 
,,9 ,,!ology ,,& ,,logic4      ,well1 ! 
lec?ir's ov]1 & ,i'm kilt out & out4 ,my
 bit!r curse  ^u ! man t inv9t$ ! same  
,boord6 ,i ?\ght ons't ,i'd fadom$  !   
say ov ?r\ble2 & t 0 :5 ,i got ?r\gh    
fractions at ,ould  ,mat ,kavanagh's    
s*ool1 9 ,firdramore--,god be good to   
poor ,mat's s[l1  ?\gh he did d5y !     
cause ! day he suff]$6 b x's fluxions   
itself we're set to bottom n[1 s9k or   
%wim6 ,may ,i nev] die if  my head isn't
 z ?r\gho!r z any?+ wid _! ord9als &    
c>d9als--&1 begob1 its all no?+ to !    
econimy lec?ir t ,i  h got to g to at   
two o'clock4 ,h[&iv]1 ,i mu/n't =get t  
we  left 8 ,riv'r5ce & 8 ,hol9ess sitt+ 
=n5/ "o ano!r 9 !  p>lor ov ! ,vatican1 
ji/ af!r mix+ _! second tumbl]4    ,:5  
!y _h got well d[n into ! same1 !y fell1
 z ,i 0 tell+  y1 into l>n$ disc\rse4   
,=1 y see1 ! ,pope 0 curi\s to f9d  out 
:e!r ,fa!r ,tom 0 ! great !olog9all t p 

said2 &  says he1 ,mi/h] ,maguire1 says 
he1 :at answ] d y make to !  h]etics :5 
!y quote !m passidges ag9               
?ransub/antiation out ov  ! ,fa!rs8 says
 he4    ,:y1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 z !re    
%\ld be no si* passidges ,i make  myself
 mighty aisy ab\t !m2 b if y want to "k 
h[ ,i dispose ov  !m1 says he1 j repate 
"o ov !m1 says he1 & ,i'll %[ y  h[ to  
catapomph]icate x 9 two %akes4    ,:y1  
!n1 says ! ,pope1 myself disremimb]s !  
p>ticl>  passidges !y all$ge out ( !m   
old felleys1 says he1 ?\gh sure  en\gh  
!y're m num]\s nor edify+--s we'll ji/  
suppose t  a h]etic 0 to f9d si* a say+ 
z ?is 9 ,au/91 ',e s9sible  man kn[s t  
?ransub/antiation is a lie'--or ?is out 
( ,t]tullian  or ,plut>*1 '! ,bi%op ov  
,room is a common impo/h]1' n[ tell me1 
c\ld y answ] him8    ,z easy z kiss1    
says 8 ,riv'r5ce4 ,9 ! fir/1 we're to   
und]/& t ! exprission1 ',e s9sible man1'
 signifies simply1  ',e man t judges by 
8 na?'ral s9ses2' & we all "k t  nobody 
folley+ !m sev5 deludh]s c\ld ev] f9d   

out ! my/h]y  t's 9 x1 if somebody      
didn't come 9 to 8 assi/ance wid an     
eigh? s9se1 :i* is ! only s9se to be    
dep5d$ on1 be+ !  s9se ov ! ,*ur*4 ,s t1
 reg>d+ ! fir/ quotation :i* y\r        
,hol9ess has suppos$1 x makes clane = u1
 & tee-totally ag9 !  h]etics4    ,t's !
 explanation sure en\gh1 says 8         
,hol9ess2 & n[ :at  div y say to my be+ 
a common impo/h]8    ,faix1 ,i ?9k1 says
 8 ,riv'r5ce1 wid all submission to !   
bett]  judgm5t ov ! le>n$ fa!r t y\r    
,hol9ess has quot$1 he'd h  be5 a ?rifle
 ne>] ! tru?1 if he _h said t ! ,bi%op  
ov ,room  is ! gr& impo/h] & top-sawy] 9
 t l9e ov] u all4    ,:at d y mane8 says
 ! ,pope1 gett+ q r$ 9 ! face4    ,:at  
w\ld ,i mane1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 z       
compos$ z a doc!r ov  physic1 b t y\r   
,hol9ess is at ! head ov all !m--tro? ,i
 _h  a'mo/ =got ,i wasn't a bi%op       
myself1 says he1 7! deludh] 0  go+ to   
say1 z ! head ov all u7--t has ! gift ov
 lay+  on h&s4 ,= sure1 says he1 impo/h]
 & imposi?ir is all "o1  s y're only to 

undh]/& manuum1 & ! job is done4 ,aw\i*6
  says he1 if any h]etic 'ud g = to ca/ 
up si* a passidge z t  ag9 me1 ,i'd soon
 give him a lesson 9 ! p'lite art ov    
cutt+ a  /ick to welt 8 own back wid4   
',pon my epo/olical ^w1 says ! ,pope1   
y've cle>$ up !m two  p9ts 9 a mo/      
satisfactory mann]4    ,y see1 says 8   
,riv'r5ce--by ?is "t !y wor mix+ _!     
?ird tumbl]--! writ+s ov !m ,fa!rs is to
 be ?rat$ wid  great v5]ation2 & x 'ud  
be ! height ( presumption 9 any "o  to  
sit d[n to int]pret !m wid\t provid+    
himself wid a g5teel  assortm5t ov ! be/
 figures ov rhetoric1 si* z mettonymy1  
hyp]bol1 catty*raysis1 prolipsis1       
mettylipsis1 sup]baton1  pollysyndreton1
 hu/h]onpro!ron1 prosodypeia & ! l1 9   
ordh]  t he may nev] be at a loss =     
%uitable s9tim5ts :5 he comes  to _!    
high-fl[n passidges4 ,= unless we ?rate 
!m ,fa!rs  lib]ally to a h&some all[ance
 ov ?ropes & figures1 !y'd set up  h]esy
 at ons't1 s !y w\ld4    ,x's ?rue = y1 
says ! ,pope2 ! figures ov spa*e is !   

pill>s ov ! ,*ur*4    ,b$ad1 says 8     
,riv'r5ce1 ,i dunna :at we'd d wid\t !m 
at all4    ,:i* "o d y prefir8 says !   
,pope2 t is1 says he1 :i*  figure ov    
spa*e d y f9d mo/ usefulle/ :5 y're h>d 
set8    ,metaph\r's v good1 says 8      
,riv'r5ce1 & s's mettonymy--&  ,i've    
kn[n prosodypeia /& to me at a p9*      
mighty well--b = a  con/ancy1           
sup]baton's ! figure = my money4 ,divil 
be 9 me1 says  he1 b ,i'd prove black   
:ite z fa/ z a horse 'ud ?rot wid only a
  good /ock ov sup]baton4    ,faix1 says
 ! ,pope1 wid a sly look1 y'd ne$ to h x
 back$1 ,i  judge1 wid a small ta/e ov  
assurance4    ,well n[1 ji/ = t ^w1 says
 8 ,riv'r5ce1 ,i'll prove x  wid\t ai!r 
"o or o!r4 ,black1 says he1 is "o ?+ &  
:ite  is ano!r ?+4 ,y don't con?rav5e t8
 ,b e ?+ is ai!r  "o ?+ or ano!r ?+2 ,i 
defy ! apo/le ,paul to get ov] t        
dilemma4 ,well6 ,if any ?+ be "o ?+1    
well & good2 b if x be  ano!r ?+1 !n x's
 pla9 x isn't bo? ?+s1 & s c't be  two  
?+s--nobody c d5y t4 ,b :at c't be two  

?+s mu/ be  "o ?+--,ergo1 :e!r x's "o ?+
 or ano!r ?+ x's all  "o4 ,b black is "o
 ?+ & :ite is ano!r ?+--,ergo1 black  & 
:ite is all "o4 ,quod erat demon/hr&um4 
,/op a bit1 says ! ,pope1 ,i c't al!gi!r
 give 9 to y\r  second m9or--no--y\r    
second major1 says he1 & he /opp$4      
,faix1  !n1 says he1 gett+ confus$1 ,i  
don't rightly remimb] :]e  x 0 exactly t
 ,i ?\ght ,i se5 ! flaw 9 y\r premises4 
,h[somdiv]1 says he1 ,i don't d5y t x's 
a good conclusion1 &  "o t 'ud be ov    
mat]i'l s]vice to ! ,*ur* if x 0 dhrawn 
wid  a little m di/9ctiv5ess4    ,i'll  
make x z pla9 z ! nose on y\r ,hol9ess's
 face1 by  sup]baton1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce4 
,my adv]s>y says black is n  ano!r      
color1 t is1 :ite6 ,n[1 t's ji/ a       
p>allel passidge  wid ! "o out ov       
,t>tullian t me & ,hayes sma%$ ! h]etics
  on 9 ,cl>5don /hreet1 ',?is is my     
body--t is1 ! figure ov my  body4' ,t's 
a sup]baton1 & we %[$ t x oughtn't to be
 read  t way at all1 b ?is way1 ',?is   
figure ov my body is my body4'  ,ji/ s  

wid my adv]s>y's proposition1 x mu/n't  
be undh]/ood  ! way x reads1 by no mann]
 ov manes2 b x's to be tak5 ?is         
way--',black--t is1 :ite1 is n ano!r    
color'--gre51 if y l1  or orange1 by    
dad1 = any?+ ,i c>e1 = my case is prov$4
 ',black1'  t is1 ':ite1' lave out !    
't1' by s9nalayphy1 & y h  ! or?odox    
conclusion1 ',black is :ite1' or by     
conv>sion1 ',:ite is  black4'    ,x's z 
cle> z mud1 says ! ,pope4    ,begad1    
says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 ,i'm 9 great humor =  
disput9'  to-night4 ,i wi%t y\r ,hol9ess
 0 a h]etic ji/ = two m9utes1  says he1 
till y'd see ! flak+ ,i'd give y6       
,well1 !n1 = ! fun o' ! ?+1 suppose me  
my namesake1 if y  l1 says ! ,pope1     
laugh+1 ?\gh1 by ,jaym9y1 says he1 he's 
n "o t ,i take mu* pride out ov4    ,v  
good--divil a bet!r joke ev] ,i _h1 says
 8 ,riv'r5ce4  ,come1 !n1 ,mi/h] ,pope1 
says he1 h\ld up t purty face ov  y\rs1 
& answ] me ?is "q4 ,:i* 'ud be ! bigge/ 
lie1 if ,i  said ,i se5 a turkey-cock   
ly+ on ! broad ov 8 back1 & pick+  ! />s

 out ov ! sky1 or if ,i 0 to say t ,i   
se5 a g&h]  9 ! same int]e/9' po/ure1   
raycreat+ himself wid simil>            
a/hronomical expirim5ts8 ,answ] me t1 y 
ould swaddl]8 says he4    ,h[ dur/ y    
call me a swaddl]1 sir1 says ! ,pope1   
=gett+1 !  de> man1 ! "p t he 0 act+4   
,don't ?9k = to bully me6 says 8        
,riv'r5ce1 ,i always da>  to spake !    
tru?1 & x's well kn[n t y're no?+ b a   
swaddl+ ould s9n] ( a sa9t1 says he1    
nev] lett+ on to p]save  t 8 ,hol9ess _h
 =got :at !y 7 agre$ on4    ,by all t's 
good1 says ! ,pope1 ,i (t5 h>d ov !     
imp]ance ov  y ,iri% a=e1 says he1 b ,i 
nev] expect$ to be call$ a sa9t  9 my   
own h\se ei!r by ,iri%man or ,hott5tot4 
,i'll till y :at1  ,mi/h] ,maguire1 says
 he1 if y c't keep a civil tongue 9 y\r 
head1 y _h bet!r be walk+ (f wid        
y\rself2 = ,i beg lave to  give y to    
undh]/&1 t x won't be = ! good ov y\r   
heal?  if y call me by si* an           
outprobri\s epi!t aga91 says he4    ,oh1
 inde$6 !n ?+s is come to a purty pass1 

says 8 ,riv'r5ce  7! de> funny s\l t he 
ev] 067 :5 ! likes ( y comp>es  "o ( !  
,maguires ov ,tempo wid a wild ,+9e6    
,:y1 man alive1 !  ,maguires 0 k+s ov   
,f]managh ?ree ?\s& ye>s a=e y\r        
gr&fa!r1 t 0 ! fir/ ( y\r bre$ t ev]    
wore %oes &  /ock+s 7,i'm b\nd to say1 9
 ju/ice to ! poor ,prodesan1 t  ?is 0   
all spok5 by 8 ,riv'r5ce by way ov a    
figure ov spa*e71  0 s9t 8 ,maje/y's    
arr& to cultivate ! fri5d%ip ( ,pr9ce   
,lee ,boo 9 ,bott5ey ,bay6 ,oh ,bryan1  
de>1 says he1 lett+ on to cry1  if y 7  
alive to he> a boddagh ,sass5agh l ?is  
ca/+ up  8 c\n?ry to "o ov ! "n ov      
,maguire6    ,9 ! "n ov ,god1 says !    
,pope1 v solemni\sly1 :at is !  mean+ ov
 all ?is at all at all8 says he4        
,sure1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 :isp]+ to him  
across ! table1 sure  y "k we're act+ a 
con?rav>sy1 & y tuck ! "p ( !  ,prodesan
 *ampion4 ,y w\ldn't be angry wid me1   
,i'm sure1 = s>v+  out ! h]etic to ! be/
 ov my ability4    ,oh begad1 ,i _h     
=got1 says ! ,pope1 ! good-natur$ ould  

cre?ur2  sure en\gh y 7 only tak+ y\r   
"p1 z a good ,milesian  ,ca?olic ought1 
ag9 ! h]etic ,sass5agh4 ,well1 says he1 
fire away  n[1 & ,i'll put up wid z _m  
con?rov>sial complim5ts z y  plase to   
pay me4    ,well1 !n1 answ] me my "q1 y 
sanctimoni\s ould d&y1 says  8          
,riv'r5ce4    ,9 tro?1 !n1 says ! ,pope1
 ,i dunna :i* 'ud be ! bigge/ lie3  to  
my m9d1 says he1 ! "o appe>s to be ab\t 
z big a b\nce z  ! o!r4    ,:y1 !n1 y   
poor simpleton1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 don't 
y  p]save t1 =bye ! advantage ! g&h] 'ud
 h 9 ! l5g?  ov 8 neck1 x 'ud be next to
 onpossible = ! turkey-cock ly+  ?ataway
 to see :at he 0 ab\t1 by rason ov 8    
djoll>s & o!r  acc\?rem5ts hang+ back   
ov] 8 eyes8 ,! "o ab\t z big a  b\nce z 
! o!r6 ,oh1 y mis=?unate cre?ur6 if y _h
 ev]  l>n$ y\r ,a ,b ,c 9 !ology1 y'd h 
kn[n t !re's a diff]  betuxt !m two lies
 s great1 t1 begad1 ,i w\ldn't wondh] if
 x  'ud make a balance ov five ye>s 9   
purga?ory to ! s[l t ud be  9 x4 ,ay1 & 
if x wasn't t ! ,*ur* is too lib]al     

entirely1 s  %e is1 x 'ud co/ 8 heirs & 
succissors bet!r nor t5 p\nds to  h him 
out z soon z ! o!r4 ,get along1 man1 &  
take half-a-ye>  at dogmatical !ology3 g
 & read y\r ,d5s1 y poor dunce1 y6      
,raaly1 says ! ,pope1 y're mak+ !       
h]etic's %oes too hot to  h\ld me4 ,i   
wondh] h[ ! ,prodesans c /& a=e y at    
all4    ,don't ?9k to delude me1 says 8 
,riv'r5ce1 don't ?9k to back  out ov y\r
 *all5ge n[1 says he1 b come to ! scrat*
 l a  man1 if y are a man1 & answ] me my
 "q4 ,:at's ! rason1  n[1 t ,julius ,cs>
 & ! ,v>g9 ,m>y 0 born ^u ! "o          
day8--answ] me t1 if y w\ldn't be hiss$ 
(f ! plat=m6    ,well1 my de>1 ! ,pope  
c\ldn't answ] x1 & he _h to ackn[l$ge   
himself sack$4 ,!n he ax$ 8 ,riv'r5ce to
 tell him ! rason  himself2 & ,fa!r ,tom
 communicat$ x to him 9 ,lat94 ,b z t is
  a v deep "q1 ,i nev] h>d :at ! answ]  
01 except t ,i'm  t\ld x 0 s my/]i\s1 x 
made ! ,pope's hair /& on end4    ,b    
!re's two o'clock1 & ,i'll be late = !  
lec?ir4          ,,*apt] ,,iii4    ,,h[ 

,,fa!r ,,tom ,,made ,a ,,h>e ,,( ,,8    
,,hol9ess ,,9 ,,lat94      ,oh1 ,do*t]  
,:ately1 ,doc!r ,:ately1 ,i'm sure ,i'll
 nev] die ano!r  dea? if ,i don't die   
ai!r ( consumption or production6 ,i ev]
 &  always ?\ght t a/hronomy 0 ! h>de/  
sci5ce t 0 till  n[--& x's no lie ,i'm  
tell+ y1 ! same a/hronomy is a t\gh     
en\gh morsel to break a man's fa/ ^u--& 
geolidgy is middl+  & h>d too--&        
hydh]a/atics is no joke2 b ov all !     
books ov  sci5ce t ev] 0 op5$ & %ut1 t  
book ^u ,pilitical ,econimy  lifts !    
p9s6 ,well1 well1 if !y wait till !y    
p]suade me t  tak+ a man's r9ts out ov !
 c\n?ry1 & sp9d+ !m 9 =ra9  p>ts isn't  
do+ u out ov ! same1 !y'll wait a long  
"t 9  tro?4 ,b y're wait+1 ,i see1 to   
he> h[ 8 ,riv'r5ce & 8  ,hol9ess got on 
aft] f9i%+ ! disputation ,i 0 tell+ y   
ov4  ,well1 y see1 my de>1 :5 ! ,pope   
f\nd he c\ldn't h\ld a c&le  to ,fa!r   
,tom 9 !ology & logic1 he ?\ght he'd    
take ! %9e  out ov him 9 ,lat9 anyh[2 s 
says he1 ,mi/h] ,maguire1 says he1 ,i  q

 agree wid y t x's n lucky = u to be    
spak+ on !m  deep subjects 9 si*        
langidges z ! evil spirits is acqua9t$  
wid2  &1 says he1 ,i ?9k x 'ud be no h>m
 = u to spake f ?is out  9 ,lat91 says  
he1 = fraid ! devil 'ud undh]/& :at we  
are  say+4    ,n a hair ,i c>e1 says    
,fa!r ,tom1 :e!r he undh]/&s :at  we're 
say+ or n1 s long z we keep (f t la/ p9t
 we wor  discuss+1 & "o or two o!rs4    
,li/'n]s nev] he>d good ov  !mselves1   
says he2 & if ,belzhebub takes any?+    
amiss t  ai!r y or me says 9 reg>d ov   
himself or 8 faction1 let him  /& =rid l
 a man1 &1 nev] fe>1 ,i'll give him 8   
answ]4  ,h[&iv]1 if x's = a ta/e ov     
classic conv]sation y are1 j  to put u 9
 m9d ov ould ,cord>ius1 says he1 "h's at
 y2 &  wid t he lets fly at 8 ,hol9ess  
wid 8 heal? 9 ,lat94    ,ve/hr          
,sanctitatis salutem volo6 says he4     
,ve/hr ,revir9ti salubritati bibo6 says 
! ,pope to him aga9  7fai?1 x's no joke1
 ,i tell y1 to remimb] si* a p[] ov     
l>n+74  ,"h's to y wid ! same1 says !   

,pope1 9 ! raal ,cic]onian4  ,nunc      
poculum alt]hum imple1 says he4    ,cum 
omni jucunditate 9 vita1 says 8         
,riv'r5ce4 ,cum summ  concupisc9ti et   
animositate1 says he2 z mu* z to say3   
,wid all  ! ve9s ov my he>t1 ,i'll d t  
same2 & s1 wid t1 !y mix$  _! f\r? gun a
 piece4    ,aqua vit ve/hra sane e/     
liquor admirabilis1 says ! ,pope4       
,v]um e/ pro te--x's ?rue = y1 says 8   
,riv'r5ce1 =gett+  ! idyim ov ! ,lat9   
phrawseology1 9 a mann]4    ,prava e/   
tua ,lat9itas1 dom9e1 says ! ,pope1 f9d+
 fault l  wid 8 etymology4    ,p>va     
culpa mihi1 small blame to me1 t is1    
says 8 ,riv'r5ce2  nam multum laboro 9  
p>tibus int]ioribus1 says he--! de> man6
  t nev] 0 at a loss = an excuse6       
,quid tibi incommodi8 says ! ,pope1 ax+ 
him :at ail$ him4    ,habesne id quod   
,anglice vocamus1 a look+-glass1 says 8 
,riv'r5ce4    ,immo1 habeo speculum     
spl5didissimum sub!r op]culum pyxidis   
hujus  />nutatori1 says ! ,pope1 pull+  
out a beautiful goold snuff-box1  wid a 

look+-glass 9 "u ! lid2 ,sub!r op]culum 
pyxidis hujus                           
/>nutatorii--no--/>nutatori--quam dono  
accepi ab ,ar*i-duce  ,au/hriaco        
siptuagisima pr!rit1 says he2 z mu* z to
 say t  he got ! box 9 a pris9t f !     
,que5 ( ,spa9 la/ ,l9t1 if ,i  rightly  
remimb]4    ,well1 ,fa!r ,tom laugh$ l  
to bur/4 ,at la/ says he1 ,pa!r         
,sancte1 says he1 sub errore jaces4     
',look+-glass' apud nos habet           
significationem quamdam peculi>em ex    
tempore diei dep5d5tem--!re  0 a /hr+ ov
 accusatives = yez6--nam mane speculum  
sonat1  says he1 po/ pr&ium v]o         
mat--mat--mat--sorra be 9 me b ,i       
disremimb] ! classic appellivation ov ! 
same article4 ,h[&iv]1  8 ,riv'r5ce w5t 
on expla9+ himself 9 su* a way z no     
s*ol>  c\ld mi/ake4 ,vesica mea1 says   
he1 ab illo ultimo ev]sore  di/5ditur1  
donec similis e/ rump]e4 ,v]bis ap]tis1 
says he1  ,ve/hr ,sanctitatis prs5tia   
salvata1 aquam fac]e valde desidh]o4    
,ho1 ho1 ho6 says ! ,pope1 grabb+ up 8  

box2 si inqu9avisses  meam pyxidem1     
excimnic>i debuisses4 ,hillo1 ,an?ony1  
says he to 8  head butl]1 fet* ,mi/h]   
,maguire a----    ,y spoke fir/6 says 8 
,riv'r5ce1 jump+ (f 8 sate3 ,y spoke    
fir/ 9 ! v]nacul>4 ,i take ,mi/h]       
,an?ony to witness1 says he4    ,:at    
else w\ld y h me to d8 says ! ,pope1 q  
dogg$ l  to see himself bate ?ataway at 
8 own waypons4 ,sure1 says he1  ,an?ony 
w\ldn't undh]/& a ,b f a bull's foot1 if
 ,i spoke to him  any o!r way4    ,well1
 !n1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 9 considh]ation  
ov ! ne$cessity1  says he1 ,i'll let y  
(f = ?is "t2 b m9d1 n[1 af!r ,i  say    
pr/ho1 ! fir/ ( u t spakes a ^w (       
,engli% is !  h>e--pr/ho6    ,nei!r ov  
!m spoke = ne> a m9it1 considh]+ wid    
!mselves  h[ !y wor to beg9 si* a great 
?rial ov %kill4 ,at la/ says !  ,pope--!
 bless$ man6 only ?9k h[ 'cute x 0 ov   
him6--,dom9e  ,maguire1 says he1 valde  
desidh]o1 c]tiorem fi]i de              
significatione  i/ius v]bi ev]sor quo   
jam jam usus es--7well1 surely ,i am !  

boy = ! ,lat967    ,ev]sor1 id e/       
cya?us1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 nam apud nos  
tumbl]i1 seu ev]sores1 dicti sunt ab    
ev]t5do c]emonian int]  amicos2 non1 ut 
,temp]anti ,societatis frigidis         
fautoribus placet1  ab ev]t5dis ipsis   
potatoribus4 7,x's n e ma/h] unh] !     
,boord1 ,i tell y1 c\ld c>ry su* a      
c>-load ov ! dead langidges47  ,9 agro  
v]o ,l\?iano et ,mid5si1 says he1 nom9e 
gaud5t quodam  secundum l+uam           
,anglicanam significante bomb>dam seu   
torm5tum2 quia  ex eis tanquam ex telis 
jaculatoriis liquorem faucibus immit]e  
sol5t4  ,etiam int] hreticos illos      
melano/omos 7t 0 a t\* ( ,greek71       
,presbyt]ianos ,sept5trionales1 qui sunt
 t]ribiles potatores1 ,cya?i  dicti sunt
 fac]es1 et dimidium ,cya?i             
hf-a-glessus4 ,dimidium  ,cya?i v]o apud
 ,metropolitanos ,hib]nicos dicitur     
d&y4--    ,en v]bum ,anglicanum6 says ! 
,pope1 clapp+ 8 h&s--leporem te  feci/i2
 z mu* z to say t he _h made a h>e ov   
himself4    ,d&u1 d&u1 v]bum erat1 says 

8 ,riv'r5ce--oh1 ! de>  man1 b x's      
himself t 0 h&y ev] & always at gett+   
out ov  a hobble--d&u v]bum erat1 says  
he1 quod dicturus eram1 cum me          
in!rpillavi/i4    ,a/ ego dico1 says !  
,pope1 v %>p1 quod v]bum erat d&y4      
,p] tibic9em qui coram ,mose modulatus  
e/1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 id  flagellat     
mundum6 ,d&u dixi1 et tu dicis d&y2 ergo
 tu es  lepus1 non ego--,ah1 ha6        
,saccavi ve/hram ,sanctitatem6          
,m5dacium e/6 says ! ,pope1 q =gett+    
himself1 he 0 s mad  at be+ sack$ be=e !
 s>v9ts4    ,well1 if x hadn't be5 t 8  
,hol9ess 0 9 x1 ,fa!r ,tom 'ud  h giv5  
him ! cont9ts ( 8 tumbl] betuxt ! two   
eyes =  call+ him a li>2 &1 9 tro?1 x's 
v well x 0 9 ,lat9 !  (f9ce 0 convey$1  
=1 if x _h be5 9 ! v]nacul>1 !re's  no  
say+ :at 'ud ha' be5 ! consequ5ce4 ,8   
,riv'r5ce 0 mighty  angry anyh[4--,tu   
s5ex la?ro1 says he1 quomodo audes me   
m5dacem  prdic>e8    ,et tu1 sacrilege  
nebulo1 says ! ,pope1 quomodo           
audacitatem habeas1  me ,dei 9 t]ris    

vic>ium1 la?ronem convici>i8            
,int]roga circumcirca1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce4
    ,abi ex dibus meis1 says ! ,pope4   
,abi tu 9 malem crucem1 says 8          
,riv'r5ce4    ,excomunicabo te1 says !  
,pope4    ,diabolus curat1 says 8       
,riv'r5ce4    ,ana!ma sis1 says ! ,pope4
    ,oscula meum pod1 says 8            
,riv'r5ce--b1 my de>1 a=e he  c\ld f9i% 
:at he 0 go+ to say1 ! ,pope broke out  
into !  v]nacul>1 ,get out o' my h\se1 y
 reprobate6 says he1 9 si* a  rage t he 
c\ld conta9 himself wid9 ! ,lat9 no     
long]4    ,ha1 ha1 ha6--ho1 ho1 ho6 says
 8 ,riv'r5ce4 ,:o's ! h>e n[1  y\r      
,hol9ess8 ,oh1 by ?is & by t1 ,i've     
sack$ y clane6 ,clane  & clev] ,i've    
done x1 & no mi/ake6 ,y see :at a bit ov
 desate  w d wid ! wise/1 y\r           
,hol9ess--sure x 0 jok+ ,i 01 on        
purpose to aggravate y--all's fair1 y   
"k1 9 love1 law1 &  con?rav>sy4 ,9 tro? 
if ,i'd ?\ght y'd h tak5 x s mu* to     
he>t1 ,i'd h put my head into ! fire a=e
 ,i'd h said a ^w to  (f9d y1 says he1 =

 he se5 t ! ,pope 0 v vex$4 ,sure1  ,god
 =bid t ,i'd say any?+ ag9 y\r ,hol9ess1
 b>r+ x 0  9 fun3 = arn't y ! fa!r ov ! 
fai?ful1 & ! ?rue vic>  ov ,god ^u e>?8 
,& amn't ,i ready to g d[n on my two    
knees ?is  bless$ m9it & beg y\r        
epo/olical p>don = e ^w t ,i  said to   
y\r displasem5t8    ,are y 9 arne/ t x  
is 9 fun y wor8 says ! ,pope4    ,may ,i
 nev] die if ,i amn't1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce4
 ,x 0 all to  provoke y\r ,hol9ess to   
commit a bra*e ov ! ,lat9 t ,i tuck !   
small lib]ties ,i did1 says he4    ,i'd 
h y to take c>e1 says ! ,pope1 h[ y take
 si* small  lib]ties aga91 or maybe y'll
 provoke me to commit a bra*e ov !      
pace4    ,well1 & if ,i did1 said 8     
,riv'r5ce1 ,i "k a s>tan prep>ation  ov 
*ymicals t's v good = cur+ a bra*e ei!r 
9 ,lat9ity or  fr9d%ip4    ,:at's t8    
says ! ,pope1 q mollifi$1 & sitt+ d[n   
aga9 at ! table t he _h ris f 9 ! fir/  
pluff ov 8  indignation4 ,:at's t8 says 
he1 =1 'pon my ,epi/olical 'davy1  ,i   
?9k x 'udn't be asy to bate ?is miracl\s

 mix?ir t we've  be5 ?ry+ to anilize ?is
 two h\rs back1 says he1 tak+ a mighty  
sci5tifical swig out ov ! bottom ov 8   
tumbl]4    ,x's good = a beg9n+1 says 8 
,riv'r5ce3 x lays a v nate  f\ndation = 
m s>i\s op]ation3 b we're n[ arriv$ at a
  p>iod ov ! ev5+ :5 its "t to proce$   
wid our %up]/ruc?ure  by compass &      
squ>e1 l free & excipt$ masons z we bo? 
are4    ,my "t's up = ! pres5t2 b ,i'll 
tell y ! re/ 9 ! ev5+  at home4         
,,*apt] ,,iv4    ,,h[ ,,fa!r ,,tom ,,&  
,,8 ,,hol9ess ,,disput$ ,,9             
,,metaphysics ,,& ,,algebra4      ,god  
be wid ! "t :5 ,i w5t to ! classical    
sem9>y ov  ,firdramore6 :5 ,i'd br+ my  
sod o' turf undh] my arm1 & sit d[n  on 
my %nug boss o' /raw1 wid my back to !  
ma/h] & my %9s  to ! fire1 & score my   
sum 9 ,dives's d5om9ations or ! d\ble   
rule o' ?ree1 or play fox-&-geese wid   
purty ,jane ,cruise t sat  next me1 z   
plisantly z ! day 0 long1 wid\t any "o s
 mu* z  say+1 ,mikey ,heff]nan1 :at's t 
y're ab\t8--= ev] s9ce ,i  0 9 ! "o     

lodge wid poor ould ,mat ,i _h my own   
way 9 8 s*ool  z free z ev] ,i _h 9 my  
"m's %ebe54 ,god be wid !m days1 ,i  say
 aga91 = its al!r$ times wid me1 ,i     
judge1 s9ce ,i got "u  ,c>lisle &       
,:ately4 ,si* /hrictness6 si* ordh]6 si*
 dhrill+1  & lec?ir+1 & tu?or+ z !y d   
get on wid6 ,i wi%t to  graci\s !       
"o-half ov _! rules & rigilations 0 sunk
 9 !  say4 ,& !y're gett+ s /hrict1 too1
 ab\t hav+ fair play =  ! h]etic *ildh]6
 ,we've to h no m s*ools 9 ! *apels1    
nor masses 9 ! s*ools4 ,oh1 by ?is & by 
t x'll nev] d at  all6 ,! ould plan 0   
tw5ty times bet!r2 &1 = my own "p1 if  x
 wasn't t ! cl>gy supports !m 9 a mann]1
 & ! grant's a  ?+ n easily done wid\t  
^! h>d times1 ,i'd see if ,i c\ldn't    
get a %elt]$ spot nigh-h& ! *apel1 & set
 up aga9 on ! good  ould pr9ciple3 &    
faix1 ,i ?9k our ,metropolitan 'ud /& to
 me1 =  ,i "k t 8 ,grace's motto 0 ev] &
 always1 t ,ignorance is  ! ?rue "m (   
piety4    ,b ,i'm runn+ away f my       
norration entirely1 s ,i am4 ,y'll plase

  to ordh] up ! h\sekeep]1 !n1 says     
,fa!r ,tom to ! ,pope1 wid  a p9t ov    
sweet milk 9 a skillet1 & ! bulk ov h]  
fi/ ov but!r1  along wid a du/ ov s(t   
sug> 9 a sauc]1 & ,i'll %[ y ! way  ov  
produc+ a decoction t1 ,i'll be b\nd1 w 
hunt ! ?ir/ out  ov e nook & corn] 9 y\r
 ,hol9ess's bless$ c>cidge4    ,! ,pope 
ordh]$ up ! +r$i5ts1 & !y 7 br\ght 9 by 
!  head butl]4    ,t'll n d at all1 says
 8 ,riv'r5ce1 ! +r$i5ts won't  comb9e 9 
due proportion unless ye d z ,i bid yez4
 ,s5d up !  h\sekeep]1 says he1 = a     
faymale h& is ondisp9sably necess>y  to 
produce ! adaptation ov ! p>ticles & !  
concurr5ce ov !  corpuscles1 )\t :i* y  
might boil till morn+1 & nev] fet*  !   
cruds (f ov x4    ,well1 ! ,pope :isp]$ 
to 8 head butl]1 & by-&-by up !re  comes
 an ould faggot ov a ,caillean1 t 0     
en\gh to fright5 a  horse f 8 oats4     
,don't ?ry = to desave me1 says 8       
,riv'r5ce1 = x's no use1  ,i tell yez4  
,s5d up ! h\sekeep]1 ,i bid yez3 ,i se5 
h] pres>v+  gooseb]ries 9 ! pan?ry z ,i 

came up3 %e has eyes z black z a  sloe1 
says he1 & *eeks l ! rose 9 ,june2 &    
sorra ta/e ov  ?is cele/ial mix?ir %all 
crass ! lips ov man or mortial ?is      
bless$ night till %e /irs ! same up wid 
h] own delicate little  f+]4    ,mi/h]  
,maguire1 says ! ,pope1 x's v unprop] ov
 y to spake  t way ov my h\sekeep]3 ,i  
won't all[ x1 sir4    ,honor bright1 y\r
 ,hol9ess1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 lay+ 8 h&  
on  8 he>t4    ,oh1 by ?is & by t1      
,mi/h] ,maguire1 says ! ,pope1 ,i'll h  
none ov y\r ins9ivations3 ,i don't c>e  
:o sees my :ole h\sehold1  says he2 ,i  
don't c>e if all ! faymales undh] my ro(
 0 p>ad$  d[n ! ,high ,/reet ov ,room1  
says he4    ,oh1 x's pla9 to be se5 h[  
little y c>e :o sees !m1 says 8         
,riv'r5ce4 ,y're afe>$1 n[1 if ,i 0 to  
see y\r h\sekeep]1 t  ,i'd say %e 0 too 
h&some4    ,no1 ,i'm n6 says ! ,pope2 ,i
 don't c>e :o sees h]1 says he4         
,an?ony1 says he to ! head butl]1 bid   
,eliza ?r[ h] apron  ov] h] head1 & come
 up "h4 ,wasn't t /\t 9 ! bless$  man8  

,well1 my de>1 up %e came1 /epp+ l a    
?ree-ye>-old1 &  blu%+ l ! break o' day3
 = ?\gh h] apron 0 ?r[n ov]  h] head z  
%e came =rid1 till y c\ld b>ely see !   
tip ov h]  *9--m be tok5 !re 0 a lovely 
dimple 9 x1 z ,i've be5  t\ld--yet %e   
let x %lip a bit to "o side1 by *ance l1
 ji/ z  %e got =n9/ ! fire1 & if %e     
w\ldn't h giv5 8 ,riv'r5ce  a %ot if he 
hadn't be5 a prie/1 x's no mat!r4       
,n[1 my de>1 says he1 y mu/ take t      
skillet1 & h\ld x ov]  ! fire till !    
milk comes to a blood-hate2 & ! way y'll
 "k  t w be by /irr+ x ons't or twice   
wid ! little f+] ov  y\r "r h&1 a=e y   
put 9 ! but!r3 n t ,i misd\bt1  says he1
 b t ! same f+]'s fair] nor ! :ite/ milk
 t  ev] came f ! tit4    ,none ov y\r   
deludh]+ talk to ! "y woman1 sir1 says !
 ,pope1  mighty /]n4 ,/ir ! posset z he 
bids y1 ,eliza1 & !n be (f  wid y\rself1
 says he4    ,i beg y\r ,hol9ess's p>don
 t5 ?\s& times1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce2  ,i'm 
sure ,i meant no?+ onprop]2 ,i hope ,i'm
 uncapable ov any si*  dirilection ov my

 duty1 says he4 ,b1 m>ciful ,sav]6 he   
cri$ out1  jump+ up on a sudd5t1 look   
beh9d y1 y\r ,hol9ess--,i'm ble/ b  !   
room's on fire6    ,sure en\gh ! c&le   
fell d[n t m9it1 & 0 ne> sett+ fire  to 
! w9dy-curta9s1 & !re 0 "s bu/le1 z y   
may suppose1  gett+ ?+s put to rights4  
,& n[ ,i h to tell y ov a raally        
onpleasant occurr5ce4 ,if ,i 0 a        
,prodesan t 0 9 x1 ,i'd say t  :ile !   
,pope's back 0 turn$1 ,fa!r ,tom made   
free wid ! two  lips ov ,miss ,eliza2 b1
 ^u my consci5ce1 ,i believe x 0 a m]e  
mi/ake t 8 ,hol9ess fell into on acc\nt 
( 8 be+ an ould  man1 & n hav+ ai!r 8   
eyesight or 8 he>+ v p>fect4 ,at  any   
rate x c't be d5i$ b t he _h a /hrong   
imprission t  si* 0 ! case2 = he :eel$  
ab\t z quick z ?\ght1 ji/ z  8 ,riv'r5ce
 0 sitt+ d[n1 & *>g$ him wid ! (f9ce    
pla9  & plump4 ,is x kiss+ my h\sekeep] 
be=e my face y are1 y  villa98 says he4 
,g d[n out o' ?is1 says he to ,miss     
,eliza2 &  d y be pack+ (f wid y1 he    
says to ,fa!r ,tom1 = x's n  safe1 s x  

isn't1 to h ! likes ov y 9 a h\se :]e   
!re's  temptation 9 y\r way4    ,is x   
me8 says 8 ,riv'r5ce2 :y1 :at w\ld y\r  
,hol9ess be at1  at all8 ,sure ,i wasn't
 do+ no si* ?+4    ,w\ld y h me d\bt !  
evid5ce ov my s9ses8 says ! ,pope2  w\ld
 y h me d\bt ! te/imony ov my eyes &    
e>s8 says he4    ,inde$ ,i w\ld s1 says 
8 ,riv'r5ce1 if !y pret9d to h  in=m$   
y\r ,hol9ess ( any si* fooli%ness4      
,:y1 says ! ,pope1 ,i se5 y af!r kiss+  
,eliza z pla9 z ,i  see ! nose on y\r   
face2 ,i he>d ! smack y gave h] z pla9 z
  ev] ,i he>d ?undh]4    ,& h[ d y "k   
:e!r y see ! nose on my face or n8  says
 8 ,riv'r5ce2 & h[ d y "k :e!r :at y    
?\ght 0  ?undh]1 0 ?undh] at all8 ,!m   
op]ations ( ! s9ses1 says  he1 comprises
 only p>ticul> corporayal emotions1     
connect$ wid  s>t9 confus$ p]ciptions   
call$ s9sations1 & isn't to be dep5d$   
^u at all4 ,if we 7 to foll[ !m bl9d    
guides1 we might ji/ z  well turn       
h]etics at ons't4 ',pon my secret ^w1   
y\r ,hol9ess1 x's  nai!r *>itable nor   

or?odox ov y to set up ! te/imony ov y\r
  eyes & e>s ag9 ! "* ov a cl]gyman4 ,& 
n[1 see h[ aisy  x is to expla9 all !m  
phw5om5a t p]plex$ y4 ,i ris & w5t  ov] 
beside ! "y woman because ! skillet 0   
boil+ ov]1 to  help h] to save ! dhrop  
ov liquor t 0 9 x2 & z = !  noise y     
he>d1 my de> man1 x 0 nei!r m nor less  
nor myself  dhraw+ ! cork out ov ?is    
blissid bottle4    ,don't (f] to ?rape t
 ^u me6 says ! ,pope2 "h's ! cork  9 !  
bottle /ill1 z tight z a w$ge4    ,i beg
 y\r p>don1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 t's n !   
cork at all1  says he2 ,i dhrew ! cork a
 good two m9its ago1 & x's v purtily    
spitt$ on ! end ov ?is bless$ cork-%crew
 at ?is pris9t mom5t2  h[&iv] y c't see 
x1 because x's only its raal pris5ce t's
  9 x4 ,b t appe>ance t y call a cork1  
says he1 is no?+  b ! outw>d spacies &  
ext]nal qualities ov ! cortical na?ur4  
,!m's no?+ b ! accid5ts ov ! cork t y're
 look+ at &  h&l+2 b1 z ,i t\ld y a=e1 !
 real cork's dhrew1 & is  "h pris9t on !
 end ov ?is nate little in/hrum5t1 & x 0

 !  noise ,i made 9 dhraw+ x1 & no?+    
else1 t y mi/ook = !  s\nd ov ! pogue4  
,y "k !re 0 no con?rav5+ :at he said2 & 
! ,pope c\ldn't  op5ly d5y x4 ,h[&iv] he
 ?ri$ to pick a hole 9 x ?is way4       
,grant+1 says he1 t !re is ! diff] y say
 betuxt !  reality ov ! cork & !m       
cortical accid5ts1 & t x's q  possible1 
z y allidge1 t ! ?rue cork is really    
pris9t on !  end ov ! %crew1 :ile !     
accid5ts keep ! m\? ov ! bottle         
/opp$--/ill1 says he1 ,i c't undh]/&1   
?\gh will+ to  acquit y1 h[ ! dhraw+ ov 
! real cork1 t's onpalpable &  wid\t    
accid5ts1 c\ld produce ! accid5t ov t   
s9sible explosion  ,i he>d ji/ n[4      
,all ,i c say1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 is1 t  
,i'm s9sible x 0 a  raal accid5t1 anyh[4
    ,ay1 says ! ,pope1 ,! kiss y gev    
,eliza1 y mane4    ,no1 says 8          
,riv'r5ce1 b ! report ,i made4    ,i    
don't d\bt y1 says ! ,pope4    ,no cork 
c\ld be dhrew ) less noise1 says 8      
,riv'r5ce4    ,x w\ld be h>d = any?+ to 
be less nor no?+1 b>r+  algebra1 says ! 

,pope4    ,i c prove to ! con?r>y1 says 
8 ,riv'r5ce4 ,?is glass ov  :isky is    
less nor t tumbl] ov pun*1 & t tumbl] ov
 pun* is  no?+ to ?is jug ( scal!54     
,d y judge by sup]ficial misure or by ! 
liquid cont5ts8 says  ! ,pope4    ,don't
 /op me betuxt my premisses & my        
conclusion1 says 8  ,riv'r5ce2 ,ergo1   
?is glass ov :isky is less nor no?+2 & =
  t raison ,i see no h>m 9 life 9 add+ x
 to ! cont5ts ov !  same jug1 j by way  
ov a fro/-nail4    ,add+ :at's less nor 
no?+1 says ! ,pope1 is sub?raction      
accord+ to algebra2 s "h goes to make ! 
rule good1 says he1  fill+ 8 tumbl] wid 
! bless$ /uff1 & sitt+ d[n aga9  at !   
table1 = ! ang] didn't /ay two m9utes on
 him1 !  good-he>t$ ould s[l4    ,two   
m9uses makes "o plus1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 
z ready z y  plase1 & t'll acc\nt = !   
increas$ daycrem5t ,i mane to  take !   
lib]ty ov produc+ 9 ! same mix$         
quantity1 says he1  folly+ 8 ,hol9ess's 
epi/olical example4    ,by all t's good1
 says ! ,pope1 t's ! be/ /uff ,i ev]    

ta/$2 y call x a mix$ quantity1 b ,i say
 x's prime4    ,s9ce x's ov ! fir/      
ordh]1 !n1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 we'll h  ! 
less deffeequilty 9 r$uc+ x to a simple 
equation4    ,y'll h no fractions at my 
side1 anyh[1 says ! ,pope4 ,faix1  ,i'm 
afe>d1 says he1 x's only too aisy ov    
solution our sum is l  to be4    ,nev]  
fe> = t1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 ,i've a good 
/ock ov surds  "h 9 ! bottle2 = ,i tell 
y x w take u a long "t to  ex?ract !    
root ov x1 at ! rate we're go+ on4      
,:at makes y call ! bless$ qu>t an      
irrational quantity8 says  ! ,pope4     
,becase x's too mu* = "o1 & too little =
 two1 says 8  ,riv'r5ce4    ,cle> x ov  
its co-effici5t1 & we'll ?ry1 says !    
,pope4    ,h& me ov] ! expon5t1 !n1 says
 8 ,riv'r5ce4    ,:at's t8 says ! ,pope4
    ,! s*rew1 to be sure1 says 8        
,riv'r5ce4    ,sure ! cork's dhrew1 says
 ! ,pope4    ,b ! sp]its c't get out on 
acc\nt ( ! accid5ts t's /uck  9 ! neck  
ov ! bottle1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce4          
,accid5t ought to be passable to sp]it1 

says ! ,pope1 & t  makes me suspect t ! 
reality ov ! cork's 9 x af!r all4       
,t's a b>ony-masia1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 & 
,i'm n b\nd to  answ] x4 ,b ! fact is1 t
 x's ! accid5ts ov ! sp]its too  t's 9  
x1 & ! reality's pass$ out ?r\gh !      
cortical spacies  z y say2 =1 y may h   
obs]v$1 we've bo? be5 9 raal good       
sp]its ev] s9ce ! cork 0 dhrawn1 & :]e  
else w\ld ! raal  sp]its come f if !y   
w\ld't come out ov ! bottle8    ,well1  
!n1 says ! ,pope1 s9ce we've got !      
reality1 !re's no  use ?r\bl+ ourselves 
wid ! accid5ts4    ,oh1 begad1 says 8   
,riv'r5ce1 ! accid5ts is v ess5tial too2
  = a man may be 9 ! be/ ( good sp]its1 
z f> z 8 immat]ial  "p goes1 & yet ne$ !
 accid5tal qualities ov good liquor to  
hunt  ! s9sible ?ir/ out ov him4 ,s he  
dhraws ! cork 9 e>ne/1 &  sets ab\t     
brew+ ! o!r skillet ov scal!52 b1 faix1 
he _h  to get up ! +r$i5ts ?is "t by !  
h&s ov ould ,molly2 ?\gh  devil a ta/e  
ov h] little f+] he'd let wid9 a y>d ov 
! same  decoction4    ,b1 my de>1 "h's !

 ,freeman's ,j\rnal1 & we'll see :at's !
  news a=e we f9i% ! residu>y proce$+s  
ov _! two ,hol9esses4          ,,*apt]  
,v4    ,,! ,,reason ,,:y ,,fa!r ,,tom   
,,0 ,,n ,,made ,a ,,c>d9al4             
,hurroo1 my d>l+s6--didn't ,i tell y x  
'ud nev] d8 ,success to  b\ld ,john     
,tuam & ! old sim9>y ( ,firdramore6 ,oh1
 m p[]  to y\r ,grace e day y rise1 'tis
 y t has brok5 _!  ,boord into %iv]s    
undh] y\r feet6 ,sure1 & isn't x a pr\d 
day  = ,irel&1 ?is bless$ fea/ ov ! *air
 ov ,sa9t ,pe!r8 ,isn't  ,c>lisle &     
,:ately sma%$ to pieces1 & _! :ole      
college ov  swaddl+ tea*]s knock$ into  
smidh]e5s4 ,john ,tuam1 y\r s[l1 has    
tuck 8 pa/horal /aff 9 8 h& & bea!n !m  
out o' ,connaught  z fa/ ev] ,pa?rick   
druve ! s>p9ts into ,clew ,bay4 ,poor   
ould  ,mat ,kavanagh1 if he 0 alive ?is 
day1 'tis he w\ld be ! happy  man4 ,my  
curse ^u _! g'ographies & ,bibles1 he   
us$ to say2  :]e's ! use ov p]plex+ !   
poor *ild] wid :at we don't  undh]/&    
ourselves8 no use at all1 9 tro?1 & s ,i

 said f  ! fir/ myself4 ,well1 ?ank ,god
 & 8 ,grace1 we'll h no m  ?rigonome?ry 
nor scrip!r 9 ,connaught4 ,we'll h\ld   
our lodges e  ,saturday night1 z we us$ 
to d1 wid our *airman beh9d ! ma/h]'s   
desk1 & we'll he> our mass e ,sunday    
morn+ wid ! bless$  prie/ /&+ a=e !     
same4 ,i wi%t to goodness ,i hadn't p>t$
  wid my ,sev5 ,*ampions ov ,*ri/5dom & 
,fr5ey ! ,robb]2 !y're  books t'll be 9 
great requi/ 9 ,lei?rim z soon z !      
pa/horal  gets w9d4 ,glory be to ,god6  
,i've done wid _! lec?irs--!y may  all g
 & be d----d wid _! consumption &       
production4 ,i'm (f to  ,tullymactagg>t 
be=e daylight 9 ! morn+1 :]e ,i'll ?ry  
:e!r  a sod or two o' turf c't consume a
 c>tload ov h]esy1 & :e!r a  weekly     
meet+ ov ! lodge c't produce a new      
?ayory ov r9ts4 ,b  a=e ,i take my lave 
ov y1 ,i may z well f9i% my /ory ab\t   
poor  ,fa!r ,tom t ,i he> is com+ up to 
:ale ! h]etics 9 ,adam &  ,eve dur+ !   
,l9t4    ,! ,pope--& inde$ x ill becomes
 a good ,ca?olic to say any?+  ag9      

him--no m w\ld ,i1 only t 8 ,riv'r5ce 0 
9 x--b y  see t ! fact ov x is1 t !     
,pope 0 z envi\s z ev] he  c\ld be1 at  
see+ himself sack$ "r & left by ,fa!r   
,tom1 &  bate out o' ! face1 ! way he 01
 on e sci5ce & subjec'  t 0 />t$4 ,s1 n 
to be outdone altoge!r1 he says to 8    
,riv'r5ce1 ,y're a man t's fond ov !    
brute crayation1 ,i he>1  ,mi/h]        
,maguire8    ,i don't d5y x1 says 8     
,riv'r5ce2 ,i've dogs t ,i'm will+ to   
run ag9 any man's1 ay1 or to mat* !m ag9
 any o!r dogs 9 !  _w = g5teel edication
 & polite mann]s1 says he4    ,i'll h\ld
 y a p\nd1 says ! ,pope1 t ,i've a      
quadhrup$ 9 my  possession t's a wis]   
ba/e nor any dog 9 y\r k5nel4    ,done1 
says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 & !y /ak$ ! money4    
,:at c ?is l>n$ quadhrup$ o' y\rs d8    
says 8 ,riv'r5ce4    ,x's my mule1 says 
! ,pope1 & if y 7 to (f] h] goold5  oats
 & clov] (f ! mead[s o' ,p>adise1 sorra 
ta/e ov ai!r  %e'd let pass h] tee? till
 ! fir/ mass is ov] e ,sunday or        
holiday 9 ! ye>4    ,well1 & :at 'ud y  

say if ,i %[$ y a ba/e ( m9e1 says 8    
,riv'r5ce1 t1 in/ead ov fa/+ till fir/  
mass is ov] only1  fa/s out ! :ole      
f\r-&-tw5ty h\rs ov e ,w$nesday &       
,friday  9 ! week z reg'l> z a ,*ri/ian8
    ,oh1 be aisy1 ,mi/h] ,maguire1 says 
! ,pope4    ,y don't b'lieve me1 don't  
y8 says 8 ,riv'r5ce2 v well1 ,i'll  soon
 %[ y :e!r or no1 & he puts 8 knuckles 9
 8 m\?1  & gev a :i/le t made ! ,pope   
/op 8 f+]s 9 8 e>s4 ,!  ay*o1 my de>1 0 
h>dly done play+ wid ! cobwebs 9 !      
corni%1  :5 ! door flies op51 & 9 jumps 
,spr+4 ,! ,pope happ5$ to be  sitt+ next
 ! door1 betuxt him & 8 ,riv'r5ce1 &1   
may ,i nev]  die1 if he didn't cle> him1
 ?riple cr[n & all1 at "o spang4  ,god's
 pres5ce be ab\t u6 says ! ,pope1 ?9k+ x
 0 an evil  _s come to fly away wid him 
= ! lie t he _h t\ld 9  reg>d ov 8 mule 
7= x 0 no?+ m nor a ?rick t consi/$  9  
gras+ ! brute's tee?73 b1 see+ x 0 "o ov
 ! greate/  beauties ov a grayh\nd t    
he'd ev] laid 8 epi/olical eyes on1 he  
soon recov]$ ov 8 fright1 & began to pat

 him1 :ile ,fa!r ,tom  ris & w5t to !   
sideboord1 :]e he cut a slice ov pork1 a
 slice  ov beef1 a slice ov mutton1 & a 
slice ov salmon1 & put !m all on  a     
plate !gi!r4 ,"h1 ,spr+1 my man1 says   
he1 sett+ ! plate  d[n a=e him on !     
he>?/one1 "h's y\r supp] = y ?is  bless$
 ,friday night4 ,n a ^w m he said nor   
:at ,i tell y2  &1 y may believe x or n1
 b x's ! bless$ tru? t !  dog1 af!r ji/ 
ta/+ ! salmon1 & spitt+ x out aga91     
lift$  8 nose out o' ! plate1 & /ood wid
 8 jaws wa!r+1 & 8  tail wagg+1 look+ up
 9 8 ,riv'r5ce's face1 z mu* z to say1  
,give me y\r absolution1 till ,i hide !m
 temptations out o' my sight4    ,!re's 
a dog t kn[s 8 duty1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce2  
!re's a  ba/e t kn[s h[ to conduct      
himself ai!r 9 ! p>lor or !  field4 ,y  
?9k him a good dog1 look+ at him "h2 b  
,i wi%t y  se5 him on ! side ov         
,slieve-an-,eir96 ,be my s\l1 y'd say ! 
hill  0 runn+ away f undh] him4 ,oh ,i  
wi%t y _h be5 wid me1 says  he1 nev]    
lett+ on to see ! dog at all1 "o day1   

la/ ,l9t1 t ,i  0 com+ f mass4 ,spr+ 0  
ne> a qu>!r ov a mile beh9d me1  = !    
*ildh] 0 delay+ him wid bread & but!r at
 ! *apel  door2 :5 a lump ov a h>e jump$
 out ov ! plantations ov ,gr\se  ,lodge 
& ran acrass ! road2 s ,i gave ! :illoo1
 & kn[+ t  %e'd take ! rise ov ! hill1  
,i made ov] ! dit*1 & up ?r\gh          
,mullaghea%el z h>d z ,i c\ld pelt1 /ill
 keep+ h] 9 view1 b  a=e ,i _h gone a   
p]*1 ,spr+ se5 h]1 & away ! two w5t l  !
 w9d1 up ,drumrewry1 & d[n ,cloone51 &  
ov] ! riv]1 wid\t  8 be+ able ons't to  
turn h]4 ,well1 ,i run on till ,i came  
to !  ,diffagh]1 & ?r\gh x ,i w5t1 = !  
wa!r 0 l[ & ,i didn't  m9d be+ wet %od1 
& out on ! o!r side1 :]e ,i got up on a 
dit*1 & se5 si* a coorse z ,i'll be b\nd
 to say 0 nev] se5  a=e or s9ce4 ,if    
,spr+ turn$ t h>e ons't t day1 he turn$ 
h] fifty times1 up & d[n1 back & ='ard  
?r\gh\t & ab\t4  ,at la/ he run h] "r   
into ! big qu>ryhole 9 ,mullaghbawn1 &  
:5 ,i w5t up to look = h] fud1 !re ,i   
f\nd him /hret*$ on 8  side1 n able to  

/ir a foot1 & ! h>e ly+ ab\t an in* a=e 
8 nose z dead z a door-nail1 & divil a  
m>k ov a too? ^u h]4  ,eh1 ,spr+1 isn't 
t ?rue8 says he4 ,ji/ at t m9it ! clock 
/hruck twelve1 &1 be=e y c\ld say       
?rap-/icks1 ,spr+ _h !  plateful ov mate
 consal$4 ,n[1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 h& me  
ov] my  p\nd1 = ,i've won my bate       
fairly4    ,y'll excuse me1 says !      
,pope1 pocket+ 8 money1 = we put !      
clock half an h\r back1 out ov complim5t
 to y\r ,riv'r5ce1 says he1  & x 0      
,sa?urday morn+ a=e he came up at all4  
,well1 x's no mat!r1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1  
putt+ back 8  p\nd-note 9 8 pocket-book1
 only1 says he1 x's h>dly fair  to      
expect a brute ba/e to be s well skill$ 
9 ! sci5ce ov  *ronology4    ,9 tro? 8  
,riv'r5ce 0 badly us$ 9 ! same bate1 =  
he won  x clev]2 &1 inde$1 ,i'm afraid !
 %abby way he 0 ?rat$ _h  "s effect 9   
putt+ x into 8 m9d to d :at he did4 ,w  
y\r  ,hol9ess take a bla/ ov ! pipe8    
says he1 dhraw+ out 8 dhude54    ,i nev]
 smoke1 says ! ,pope1 b ,i hav5't ! la/e

 objection to  ! smell ov ! tobaccay4   
,oh1 y _h bett] take a dhraw1 says 8    
,riv'r5ce1 x'll reli%  ! dhr9k1 t 'ud be
 too lusci\s entirely1 wid\t some?+ to  
flavor x4    ,i _h ?\ghts1 said ! ,pope1
 wid ! la/e sign ov a hiccup on him1  ov
 gett+ up a broil$ bone = ! same        
purpose4    ,well1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 a  
broil$ bone 'ud d no mann] ov h>m at    
?is pres5t "t2 b a smoke1 says he1 'ud  
flavor bo? ! divil  & ! dhr9k4    ,:at  
sort o' tobaccay is x t's 9 x8 says !   
,pope4    ,raal nagur-head1 says 8      
,riv'r5ce2 a v mild & salubri\s  spacies
 ov ! philosophic we$4    ,!n1 ,i don't 
c>e if ,i d take a dhraw1 says ! ,pope4 
,!n ,fa!r  ,tom held ! coal himself till
 8 ,hol9ess _h ! pipe lit2 & !y  sat    
wid\t say+ any?+ wor? m5tion+ = ab\t    
five m9utes4    ,at la/ ! ,pope says to 
8 ,riv'r5ce3 ,i dunna :at gev me ?is    
plaguy hiccup1 says he4 ,dhr9k ab\t1    
says he--,begorra1 he says1  ,i ?9k ,i'm
 gett+ m]ri] nor's good = me4 ,s+ u a   
song1 y\r  ,riv'r5ce1 says he4    ,fa!r 

,tom !n sung him ,monatagr5oge & ! ,bun*
 o' ,ru%es1 &  he 0 mighty well pleas$  
wid bo?1 keep+ "t wid 8 h&s1 &  jo9+ 9 !
 *oruses1 :5 8 hiccup 'ud let him4 ,at  
la/1 my de>1  he op5s ! l[] buttons ov 8
 wai/coat1 & ! top "o ov 8  wai/b&1 &   
calls to ,ma/] ,an?ony to lift up "o ov 
! w9dys4 ,i  dunna :at's wrong wid me1  
at all at all1 says he1 ,i'm mortial    
sick4    ,i ?ru/1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce1 !   
pa/hry t y ate at d9n]  hasn't disagre$ 
wid y\r ,hol9ess's /oma*4    ,oh my6 oh6
 says ! ,pope1 :at's ?is at all8 gasp+ =
  brea?1 & z pale z a %eet1 wid a c\ld  
swate bur/+ out ov]  8 =ehead1 & ! palms
 ov 8 h&s spread out to cat* !  air4 ,oh
 my6--oh my6 says he1 fet* me a         
bas96--,don't spake  to me4             
,oh6--oh6--blood alive6--,oh1 my head1  
my head1 h\ld my  head6--oh6--ubh6--,i'm
 poison$6--a*6    ,x 0 !m plaguy        
pa/hries1 says 8 ,riv'r5ce4 ,h\ld 8 head
  h>d1 says he1 & clap a wet clo? ov] 8 
timples4 ,if y c\ld  only ?ry ano!r     
dhraw o' ! pipe1 y\r ,hol9ess1 x 'ud set

 y to  rights 9 no "t4    ,c>ry me to   
b$1 says ! ,pope1 & nev] let me see t   
wild ,iri%  prie/ aga94 ,i'm poison$ by 
8 manes--ubpls*6--a*6--a*6--,he d9$  wid
 ,c>d9al ,wayld ye/]day1 says he1 & he's
 brib$ him to take me  (f4 ,s5d = a     
confissor1 says he1 = my lat!r end's    
approa*+4  ,my head's l to split--s x   
is6--,oh my6 oh my6--ubpls*6--a*6       
,well1 8 ,riv'r5ce nev] ?\ght x wor? 8  
:ile to make him an  answ]2 b1 :5 he se5
 h[ ungratefully he 0 us$1 af!r all 8   
?r\ble 9 mak+ ! ev5+ agreeable to ! ould
 man1 he call$  ,spr+1 & put ! b-end ov 
! second bottle into 8 pocket1 &  left !
 h\se wid\t once wi%+ ,good-night1 an'  
plaisant dhrames  to y2 &1 9 tro?1 n "o 
( !m ax$ him to lave !m a lock  ov 8    
hair4    ,t's ! /ory z ,i he>d x t\ld2 b
 myself doesn't b'lieve ov]  "o-half ov 
x4 ,h[&iv]1 :5 all's done1 x's a %ame1 s
 x is1  t he's n a bi%op ?is bless$ day 
& h\r3 =1 next to !  goiant ov ,/4      
,j>la?'s1 he's out & out ! clev]e/ fell[
 ov !  :ole j+-bang4