,father ,tom and the ,pope4 ,father ,tom and the ,pope1 ,,or ,a ,night in the ,vatican4 ,,new ,,york3 ,a4 ,,simpson ,,co41 #ahfg4 ,agathynian ,press1 #fj ,duane ,street1 ,n4,y4 ,illustration ,,preface4 ,there are several questions which at this present time remain unsettled4 ,one of them is1 who invented gunpowder8 ,another is1 which of them was it1 ,faust or ,guttemberg1 that invented printing8 ,another is1 whether the ,deity created nature1 or nature created itself8 ,that is a poser4 ,another is whether the original egg was the parent of the chicken1 or the egg was the original ancestor of that celebrated feathered fowl8 ,de novum ovum1 says ,xinctillios1 inseperatum primero1 cum possibilitas1 et credentia1 in meo judicio1 quam supra calcis phospas1 qui est1 in the bones of the chicken4 ,in other words1 and to make it plain to the reader1 he1 ,xinctillios1 cannot understand how it is possible for human comprehension to see a new laid egg1 without permitting in his judgment the idea of phosphate of lime existing in the osseous structure of the bones of the original hen4 ,st4 ,bardolphus entertains a contrary opinion1 ,anam1 aname1 mona mike1 says he1 ,barcelona bona strike1 says he1 harum scarum1 wy frone whack6 7,i give you the original ,coptic7 ,harrico barrico1 we won frac6 ,between these two contending opinions ,i have nothing to say4 ,the dogmas of the ,roman ,catholic ,church1 and the folatreries of the philosophers of the high school of nature1 differ so widely1 that it is impossible for common sense to adopt either the one or the other--and the ,greek ,church on these points has given no decided opinion6 ,such a dilemma presents itself when we come to consider the contents of this volume4 ,who wrote it8 ,some say1 ,lord ,brougham2 and some attribute it to the ,duke of ,wellington1 who understood the ,irish vernacular to a dot4 ,i have a shrewd suspicion that ,maginn1 a high tory1 although a good ,roman ,catholic1 and one of the prominent contributors to ,blackwood1 lent his helping hand to it1 if he were not the real author of it all8 ,howandiver1 to use a phrase of the author1 let us look into the history of it4 ,father ,tom ,maguire1 a prominent ,roman ,catholic priest in ,killeshandra1 ,ireland1 of the parish of ,innismagrath1 was one of the most celebrated men of his time4 ,he was a splendid orator1 trained at ,maynooth2 he was a high liver--everything consisting of meat and drink on his table was of the best2 his wines were excellent1 and he kept the best stable and the finest greyhounds in ,ireland4 ,he was a bold fox-hunter2 rode over ditch1 hedge and five-barred gate1 and when his good ,bishop interdicted these sports of the ,irish clergy1 says he1 ,i will give up my hunting1 says he2 but if ,i must give up my greyhounds1 there is a little ,protestant parish church hard by waiting for me4 ,whether this threat had the desired effect is not known4 ,it is said that he abjured his church and died a heretic4 ,how much of this we can believe depends altogether upon the amount of our credulity4 ,it may be true1 and1 alas6 it may not6 ,father ,tom1 as the great ,roman ,catholic controversialist1 was challenged to decide by argument1 the superiority of the ,romish ,church over that of the ,established ,church of ,england1 by the ,rev4 ,richard ,t4,p4 ,pope1 a clergyman of the latter persuasion4 ,the controversy took place in the ,rotunda1 at ,dublin1 about forty years ago4#a ,crowds of spectators assembled to witness the religious contest4 ,of course the ladies1 who always take a great interest in religious disputations1 were present in great numbers4 ,the beauty and the fashion1 the graceful1 the wise and the witty of ,dublin assembled to hear these knotty points discussed4 ,the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,pope1 who was a very learned scholar1 but unfortunately a timid man1 based his great argument upon the ,bible itself4 ,so long as he stood upon this ground his arguments were unassailable4 ,but ,father ,tom1 by one of those dexterous twists so well known in polemics1 managed to get ,pope to shift his ground from the ,bible to the ,fathers4 ,the dispute1 which had occupied several days1 up to this time had been in favor of ,pope1 but when ,father ,maguire got him entangled in the ,fathers1 and hurled at him quotation after quotation from ,st4 ,austin1 ,st4 ,chrysostom1 and others--poor ,pope1 who knew very little of the ,fathers1 became so dumb-founderd that he was incapable of making a reply1 and the victory rested with ,father ,tom4 ,but after the controversy was over the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,pope took up the ,fathers1 and to his surprise could not find any of the quotations that ,father ,tom had cited6 ,like a true scholar1 he published a book1 exposing the fallacies of his antagonist4 ,but the time had gone by4 ,few people cared to read it1 fewer still had patience to wade through laborious denials of the smart sayings of ,father ,tom in the ,rotunda2 the sparkle was off--the champagne had ceased to effervesce--and ,mr4 ,pope never recovered the ground he had lost4 ,some years elapsed1 and the ,rev4 ,tresham ,d4 ,gregg1 of the ,established ,church1 took up the polemical cudgels to demolish the redoubtable champion of the ,romish ,church4 ,he was just such a man as his antagonist1 vehement1 loud voiced--of the ad captandum1 knock-down-and-drag-out school4 ,although not acknowledged by the ,church of ,england as the ,goliath of its faith1 yet there is no doubt of the secret exultation of its clergy at his success4 ,the challenge was accepted1 and for a fortnight the ,rotunda of ,dublin rang with the verbal blows of these doughty combatants4 ,victory poised her scales1 the contest hung in the balance4 ,at last1 one afternoon1 after the battle of the day was over1 ,gregg raised his mighty arm high in the air1 and said that on the next day1 the secrets of the confessional would be the subject of the discourse1 and warned the ladies1 'that no modest woman would appear1 or could appear1 while he revealed the secrets of that powerful instrument of the ,romish ,church4' ,the consequences may be imagined4 ,the hall was packed to overflowing by the gentler sex4 ,ladies of the ,catholic persuasion1 conscious of the inability of the orator to make his words good1 flocked to hear his discomfiture4 ,those of the other persuasion were induced to come from a laudable curiosity4 ,the argument1 if argument it might be called1 consisted on ,gregg's part of that style which ,poe has properly denominated the awkward left arm of satire--invective4 ,he had caught ,father ,tom at single stick and paid him off in his own way4 ,there was of course no little allusion to indelicate matters4 ,after the argument the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,gregg had to be escorted to his lodgings by a troop of dragoons4 ,but at the close of the debate he announced1 that on the morrow the subject would be continued4 ,but on the following day ,father ,tom did not appear4 ,the victorious ,gregg was cock of the walk2 the judgment went by default4 ,whether any one among the speakers or listeners became better ,christians after the controversy1 is a question4 ,it is doubtful whether ,gregg or ,father ,tom made or lost a single convert to either faith4 ,father ,tom and the ,pope first saw the light in ,blackwood1 ten years after these controversies4 ,it may have been written by ,maginn1 who was a good ,catholic1 but it may truly be said of him1 that although he loved the ,church much1 he loved fun more4 ,as a work of mere wit it must take its place with some of the brightest efforts of ,rabelais1 of ,montaigne1 or of ,pascal4 ,the ingenuity with which the conversation between the ,pope and ,father ,tom is developed to the reader1 forms no little part of its felicitousness4 ,a hedge priest1 one ,michael ,heffernan1 of the ,national ,school of ,ballymacktaggart1 is the interlocutor4 ,this keeper of a ragged school1 under the shadow of an ,irish hedge1 is the exponent of theological controversies that have shaken the world6 ,happy satire6 which like summer lightning1 clears up the atmosphere1 and makes even the skies bright1 blue1 beautiful and buoyant4 ,to us6 poor mortals6 to whom a touch of nature shakes the laughter out of us1 or brings the tears into our eyes1 such books are the treasures of our language4 ,if out of the sorrow and misery of this world1 wit has managed to alleviate one shade of human suffering2 if it has lifted up its hand against tyranny2 if it has sometimes by the pen of ,cervantes lessened the ridiculous power of a so-called chivalry2 or in the satires of ,swift1 destroyed the prestige of hereditary birth2 if it has done any good in this world1 let so much good be accounted to it4 ,illustration ,,footnotes3 ,footnote #a3 ,in #ahbg4 ,,chapter ,i4 ,,how ,,father ,,tom ,,went ,,to ,,take ,,pot-,,luck ,,at ,,the ,,vatican4 ,when his ,riv'rence was in ,room1 ov coorse the ,pope axed him to take pot look wid him4 ,more be token1 it was on a ,friday2 but1 for all that1 there was plenty of mate2 for the ,pope gev himself an absolution from the fast on account ov the great company that was in it--at laste so ,i'm tould4 ,howandiver1 there's no fast on the dhrink1 anyhow--glory be to ,god6--and so1 as they wor sitting1 afther dinner1 taking their sup together1 says the ,pope1 says he1 ,thomaus--for the ,pope1 you know1 spakes that away1 all as one as one ov uz--,thomaus a lanna1 says he1 ,i'm tould you welt them ,english heretics out ov the face4 ,you may say that1 says his ,riv'rence to him again4 ,be my sowl1 says he1 if ,i put your ,holiness undher the table1 you won't be the first ,pope ,i floored4 ,well1 his ,holiness laughed like to split2 for1 you know1 ,pope was the great ,prodesan that ,father ,tom put down upon ,purgathory2 and ov coorse they knew all the ins and outs ov the conthravarsy at ,room4 ,faix1 ,thomaus1 says he1 smiling across the table at him mighty agreeable--it's no lie what they tell me1 that yourself is the pleasant man over the dhrop ov good liquor4 ,would you like to thry8 says his ,riv'rence4 ,sure1 and amn't ,i thrying all ,i can8 says the ,pope4 ,sorra betther bottle ov wine's betuxt this and ,salamancha1 nor's there fornenst you on the table2 its raal ,lachrymalchrystal1 every spudh ov it4 ,it's mortial could1 says ,father ,tom4 ,well1 man alive1 says the ,pope1 sure and here's the best ov good claret in the cut decanther4 ,not maning to make little ov the claret1 your ,holiness1 says his ,riv'rence1 ,i would prefir some hot wather and sugar1 wid a glass of spirits through it1 if convanient4 ,hand me over the bottle ov brandy1 says the ,pope to his head butler1 and fetch up the materi'ls1 says he4 ,ah1 then1 your ,holiness1 says his ,riv'rence1 mighty eager1 maybe you'd have a dhrop ov the native in your cellar8 ,sure it's all one throuble1 says he1 and1 troth1 ,i dunna how it is1 but brandy always plays the puck wid my inthrails4 ',pon my conscience1 then1 says the ,pope1 it's very sorry ,i am1 ,misther ,maguire1 says he1 that it isn't in my power to plase you2 for ,i'm sure and certaint that there's not as much whisky in ,room this blessed minit as 'ud blind the eye ov a midge4 ,well1 in troth1 your ,holiness1 says ,father ,tom1 ,i knewn there was no use in axing2 only1 says he1 ,i didn't know how else to exqueeze the liberty ,i tuck1 says he1 ov bringing a small taste1 says he1 ov the raal stuff1 says he1 hauling out an imperi'l quart bottle out ov his coat-pocket2 that never seen the face ov a gauger1 says he1 setting it down on the table fornenst the ,pope3 and if you'll jist thry the full ov a thimble ov it1 and if it doesn't rise the cockles ov your ,holiness's heart1 why1 then1 my name1 says he1 isn't ,tom ,maguire6 and wid that he outs wid the cork4 ,well1 the ,pope at first was going to get vexed at ,father ,tom for fetching dhrink thataway in his pocket1 as if there wasn't lashins in the house3 so says he1 ,misther ,maguire1 says he1 ,i'd have you to comprehind the differ betuxt an invitation to dinner from the succissor ov ,saint ,pether1 and from a common mayur or a ,prodesan squireen that maybe hasn't liquor enough in his cupboard to wet more nor his own heretical whistle4 ,that may be the way wid them that you visit in ,leithrim1 says he1 and in ,roscommon2 and ,i'd let you know the differ in the prisint case1 says he1 only that you're a champion of the ,church and entitled to laniency4 ,so1 says he1 as the liquor's come1 let it stay4 ,and in troth ,i'm curis myself1 says he1 getting mighty soft when he found the delightful smell ov the putteen1 in invistigating the composition ov distilled liquors2 it's a branch of natural philosophy1 says he1 taking up the bottle and putting it to his blessed nose4 ,ah6 my dear1 the very first snuff he got ov it1 he cried out1 the dear man3 ,blessed ,vargin1 but it has the divine smell6 and crossed himself and the bottle half-a-dozen times running4 ,well1 sure enough1 it's the blessed liquor now1 says his ,riv'rence1 and so there can be no harm any way in mixing a dandy ov punch2 and1 says he1 stirring up the materi'ls with his goolden muddler--for everything at the ,pope's table1 to the very schrew for drawing the corks1 was ov vergin goold--if ,i might make bould1 says he1 to spake on so deep a subjic afore your ,holiness1 ,i think it 'ud considherably facilitate the invistigation ov its chemisthry and phwarmaceutics1 if you'd jist thry the laste sup in life ov it inwardly4 ,well1 then1 suppose ,i do make the same expiriment1 says the ,pope1 in a much more condiscinding way nor you'd have expected--and wid that he mixes himself a real stiff facer4 ,now1 your ,holiness1 says ,father ,tom1 this bein' the first time you ever dispinsed them chymicals1 says he1 ,i'll just make bould to lay down one rule of orthography1 says he1 for conwhounding them1 secundem mortem4 ,what's that8 says the ,pope4 ,put in the sperits first1 says his ,riv'rence2 and then put in the sugar2 and remember1 every dhrop ov wather you put in after that spoils the punch4 ,glory be to ,god6 says the ,pope1 not minding a word ,father ,tom was saying4 ,glory be to ,god6 says he1 smacking his lips4 ,i never knewn what dhrink was afore1 says he4 ,it bates the ,lachrymalchrystal out of the face6 says he--it's ,necthar itself1 it is1 so it is6 says he1 wiping his epistolical mouth wid the cuff ov his coat4 ',pon my secret honor1 says his ,riv'rence1 ,i'm raally glad to see your ,holiness set so much to your satisfaction2 especially1 says he1 as1 for fear ov accidents1 ,i tuck the liberty ov fetching the fellow ov that small vesshel1 says he1 in my other coat pocket4 ,so divil a fear ov our running dhry till the but-end ov the evening1 anyhow1 says he4 ,dhraw your stool in to the fire1 ,misther ,maguire1 says the ,pope1 for faix1 says he1 ,i'm bent on analysing the metaphwysics ov this phinomenon4 ,come1 man alive1 clear off1 says he1 you're not dhrinking at all4 ,is it dhrink8 says his ,riv'rence2 by ,gorra1 your ,holiness1 says he1 ,i'd dhrink wid you till the cows'ud be coming home in the morning4 ,so wid that they tackled to1 to the second fugee a piece1 and fell into larned discourse4 ,but it's time for me now to be off to the lecthir at the ,boord4 ,oh my sorra light upon ye1 ,docther ,whately1 wid your pilitical econimy and your hydherastatics6 ,what the dioul use has a poor hedge-master like me wid such deep larning as is only fit for the likes of them two that ,i left over their second tumbler8 ,howandiver1 wishing ,i was like them1 in regard ov the sup of dhrink1 anyhow1 ,i must break off my norration for the prisint2 but when ,i see you again1 ,i'll tell you how ,father ,tom made a hare ov the ,pope that evening1 both in theology and the cube root4 ,,chapter ,,ii4 ,,how ,,father ,,tom ,,sacked ,,his ,,holiness ,,in ,,theology ,,and ,,logic4 ,well1 the lecthir's over1 and ,i'm kilt out and out4 ,my bitther curse upon the man that invinted the same ,boord6 ,i thought ons't ,i'd fadomed the say ov throuble2 and that was when ,i got through fractions at ,ould ,mat ,kavanagh's school1 in ,firdramore--,god be good to poor ,mat's sowl1 though he did deny the cause the day he suffered6 but it's fluxions itself we're set to bottom now1 sink or shwim6 ,may ,i never die if my head isn't as throughother as anything wid their ordinals and cardinals--and1 begob1 its all nothing to the econimy lecthir that ,i have got to go to at two o'clock4 ,howandiver1 ,i mustn't forget that we left his ,riv'rence and his ,holiness sitting fornenst one another in the parlor ov the ,vatican1 jist afther mixing their second tumbler4 ,when they had got well down into the same1 they fell1 as ,i was telling you1 into larned discourse4 ,for1 you see1 the ,pope was curious to find out whether ,father ,tom was the great theologinall that people said2 and says he1 ,misther ,maguire1 says he1 what answer do you make to the heretics when they quote them passidges agin thransubstantiation out ov the ,fathers8 says he4 ,why1 says his ,riv'rence1 as there should be no sich passidges ,i make myself mighty aisy about them2 but if you want to know how ,i dispose ov them1 says he1 just repate one ov them1 says he1 and ,i'll show you how to catapomphericate it in two shakes4 ,why1 then1 says the ,pope1 myself disremimbers the particlar passidges they alledge out of them old felleys1 says he1 though sure enough they're more numerous nor edifying--so we'll jist suppose that a heretic was to find sich a saying as this in ,austin1 ',every sinsible man knows that thransubstantiation is a lie'--or this out of ,tertullian or ,plutarch1 'the ,bishop ov ,room is a common imposther1' now tell me1 could you answer him8 ,as easy as kiss1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,in the first1 we're to understand that the exprission1 ',every sinsible man1' signifies simply1 ',every man that judges by his nath'ral sinses2' and we all know that nobody folleying them seven deludhers could ever find out the mysthery that's in it1 if somebody didn't come in to his assistance wid an eighth sinse1 which is the only sinse to be depended on1 being the sinse ov the ,church4 ,so that1 regarding the first quotation which your ,holiness has supposed1 it makes clane for us1 and tee-totally agin the heretics4 ,that's the explanation sure enough1 says his ,holiness2 and now what div you say to my being a common imposther8 ,faix1 ,i think1 says his ,riv'rence1 wid all submission to the better judgment ov the learned father that your ,holiness has quoted1 he'd have been a thrifle nearer the truth1 if he had said that the ,bishop ov ,room is the grand imposther and top-sawyer in that line over us all4 ,what do you mane8 says the ,pope1 getting quite red in the face4 ,what would ,i mane1 says his ,riv'rence1 as composed as a docther ov physic1 but that your ,holiness is at the head ov all them--troth ,i had a'most forgot ,i wasn't a bishop myself1 says he1 7the deludher was going to say1 as the head ov all us7--that has the gift ov laying on hands4 ,for sure1 says he1 imposther and imposithir is all one1 so you're only to undherstand manuum1 and the job is done4 ,awouich6 says he1 if any heretic 'ud go for to cast up sich a passidge as that agin me1 ,i'd soon give him a lesson in the p'lite art ov cutting a stick to welt his own back wid4 ',pon my epostolical word1 says the ,pope1 you've cleared up them two pints in a most satisfactory manner4 ,you see1 says his ,riv'rence--by this time they wor mixing their third tumbler--the writings ov them ,fathers is to be thrated wid great veneration2 and it 'ud be the height of presumption in any one to sit down to interpret them widout providing himself wid a genteel assortment ov the best figures ov rhetoric1 sich as mettonymy1 hyperbol1 cattychraysis1 prolipsis1 mettylipsis1 superbaton1 pollysyndreton1 hustheronprotheron1 prosodypeia and the like1 in ordher that he may never be at a loss for shuitable sintiments when he comes to their high-flown passidges4 ,for unless we thrate them ,fathers liberally to a handsome allowance ov thropes and figures1 they'd set up heresy at ons't1 so they would4 ,it's thrue for you1 says the ,pope2 the figures ov spache is the pillars ov the ,church4 ,bedad1 says his ,riv'rence1 ,i dunna what we'd do widout them at all4 ,which one do you prefir8 says the ,pope2 that is1 says he1 which figure ov spache do you find most usefullest when you're hard set8 ,metaphour's very good1 says his ,riv'rence1 and so's mettonymy--and ,i've known prosodypeia stand to me at a pinch mighty well--but for a constancy1 superbaton's the figure for my money4 ,divil be in me1 says he1 but ,i'd prove black white as fast as a horse 'ud throt wid only a good stock ov superbaton4 ,faix1 says the ,pope1 wid a sly look1 you'd need to have it backed1 ,i judge1 wid a small taste ov assurance4 ,well now1 jist for that word1 says his ,riv'rence1 ,i'll prove it widout aither one or other4 ,black1 says he1 is one thing and white is another thing4 ,you don't conthravene that8 ,but every thing is aither one thing or another thing2 ,i defy the apostle ,paul to get over that dilemma4 ,well6 ,if any thing be one thing1 well and good2 but if it be another thing1 then it's plain it isn't both things1 and so can't be two things--nobody can deny that4 ,but what can't be two things must be one thing--,ergo1 whether it's one thing or another thing it's all one4 ,but black is one thing and white is another thing--,ergo1 black and white is all one4 ,quod erat demonsthrandum4 ,stop a bit1 says the ,pope1 ,i can't althegither give in to your second minor--no--your second major1 says he1 and he stopped4 ,faix1 then1 says he1 getting confused1 ,i don't rightly remimber where it was exactly that ,i thought ,i seen the flaw in your premises4 ,howsomdiver1 says he1 ,i don't deny that it's a good conclusion1 and one that 'ud be ov materi'l service to the ,church if it was dhrawn wid a little more distinctiveness4 ,i'll make it as plain as the nose on your ,holiness's face1 by superbaton1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,my adversary says black is not another color1 that is1 white6 ,now1 that's jist a parallel passidge wid the one out ov ,tartullian that me and ,hayes smashed the heretics on in ,clarendon sthreet1 ',this is my body--that is1 the figure ov my body4' ,that's a superbaton1 and we showed that it oughtn't to be read that way at all1 but this way1 ',this figure ov my body is my body4' ,jist so wid my adversary's proposition1 it mustn't be undherstood the way it reads1 by no manner ov manes2 but it's to be taken this way--',black--that is1 white1 is not another color'--green1 if you like1 or orange1 by dad1 for anything ,i care1 for my case is proved4 ',black1' that is1 'white1' lave out the 'that1' by sinnalayphy1 and you have the orthodox conclusion1 ',black is white1' or by convarsion1 ',white is black4' ,it's as clear as mud1 says the ,pope4 ,begad1 says his ,riv'rence1 ,i'm in great humor for disputin' to-night4 ,i wisht your ,holiness was a heretic jist for two minutes1 says he1 till you'd see the flaking ,i'd give you6 ,well1 then1 for the fun o' the thing1 suppose me my namesake1 if you like1 says the ,pope1 laughing1 though1 by ,jayminy1 says he1 he's not one that ,i take much pride out ov4 ,very good--divil a betther joke ever ,i had1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,come1 then1 ,misther ,pope1 says he1 hould up that purty face ov yours1 and answer me this question4 ,which 'ud be the biggest lie1 if ,i said ,i seen a turkey-cock lying on the broad ov his back1 and picking the stars out ov the sky1 or if ,i was to say that ,i seen a gandher in the same interestin' posture1 raycreating himself wid similar asthronomical expiriments8 ,answer me that1 you ould swaddler8 says he4 ,how durst you call me a swaddler1 sir1 says the ,pope1 forgetting1 the dear man1 the part that he was acting4 ,don't think for to bully me6 says his ,riv'rence1 ,i always daar to spake the truth1 and it's well known that you're nothing but a swaddling ould sinner of a saint1 says he1 never letting on to persave that his ,holiness had forgot what they were agreed on4 ,by all that's good1 says the ,pope1 ,i often hard ov the imperance ov you ,irish afore1 says he1 but ,i never expected to be called a saint in my own house either by ,irishman or ,hottentot4 ,i'll till you what1 ,misther ,maguire1 says he1 if you can't keep a civil tongue in your head1 you had betther be walking off wid yourself2 for ,i beg lave to give you to undherstand1 that it won't be for the good ov your health if you call me by sich an outprobrious epithet again1 says he4 ,oh1 indeed6 then things is come to a purty pass1 says his ,riv'rence 7the dear funny soul that he ever was67 when the likes of you compares one of the ,maguires ov ,tempo wid a wild ,ingine6 ,why1 man alive1 the ,maguires was kings ov ,fermanagh three thousand years afore your grandfather1 that was the first of your breed that ever wore shoes and stockings 7,i'm bound to say1 in justice to the poor ,prodesan1 that this was all spoken by his ,riv'rence by way ov a figure ov spache71 was sint his ,majesty's arrand to cultivate the friendship of ,prince ,lee ,boo in ,botteney ,bay6 ,oh ,bryan1 dear1 says he1 letting on to cry1 if you were alive to hear a boddagh ,sassenagh like this casting up his counthry to one ov the name ov ,maguire6 ,in the name ov ,god1 says the ,pope1 very solemniously1 what is the meaning ov all this at all at all8 says he4 ,sure1 says his ,riv'rence1 whispering to him across the table1 sure you know we're acting a conthravarsy1 and you tuck the part of the ,prodesan champion4 ,you wouldn't be angry wid me1 ,i'm sure1 for sarving out the heretic to the best ov my ability4 ,oh begad1 ,i had forgot1 says the ,pope1 the good-natured ould crethur2 sure enough you were only taking your part1 as a good ,milesian ,catholic ought1 agin the heretic ,sassenagh4 ,well1 says he1 fire away now1 and ,i'll put up wid as many conthrovarsial compliments as you plase to pay me4 ,well1 then1 answer me my question1 you sanctimonious ould dandy1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,in troth1 then1 says the ,pope1 ,i dunna which 'ud be the biggest lie3 to my mind1 says he1 the one appears to be about as big a bounce as the other4 ,why1 then1 you poor simpleton1 says his ,riv'rence1 don't you persave that1 forbye the advantage the gandher 'ud have in the length ov his neck1 it 'ud be next to onpossible for the turkey-cock lying thataway to see what he was about1 by rason ov his djollars and other accouthrements hanging back over his eyes8 ,the one about as big a bounce as the other6 ,oh1 you misforthunate crethur6 if you had ever larned your ,a ,b ,c in theology1 you'd have known that there's a differ betuxt them two lies so great1 that1 begad1 ,i wouldn't wondher if it 'ud make a balance ov five years in purgathory to the sowl that ud be in it4 ,ay1 and if it wasn't that the ,church is too liberal entirely1 so she is1 it 'ud cost his heirs and succissors betther nor ten pounds to have him out as soon as the other4 ,get along1 man1 and take half-a-year at dogmatical theology3 go and read your ,dens1 you poor dunce1 you6 ,raaly1 says the ,pope1 you're making the heretic's shoes too hot to hould me4 ,i wondher how the ,prodesans can stand afore you at all4 ,don't think to delude me1 says his ,riv'rence1 don't think to back out ov your challenge now1 says he1 but come to the scratch like a man1 if you are a man1 and answer me my question4 ,what's the rason1 now1 that ,julius ,csar and the ,vargin ,mary was born upon the one day8--answer me that1 if you wouldn't be hissed off the platform6 ,well1 my dear1 the ,pope couldn't answer it1 and he had to acknowledge himself sacked4 ,then he axed his ,riv'rence to tell him the rason himself2 and ,father ,tom communicated it to him in ,latin4 ,but as that is a very deep question1 ,i never hard what the answer was1 except that ,i'm tould it was so mysterious1 it made the ,pope's hair stand on end4 ,but there's two o'clock1 and ,i'll be late for the lecthir4 ,,chapter ,,iii4 ,,how ,,father ,,tom ,,made ,a ,,hare ,,of ,,his ,,holiness ,,in ,,latin4 ,oh1 ,dochter ,whately1 ,docther ,whately1 ,i'm sure ,i'll never die another death if ,i don't die aither of consumption or production6 ,i ever and always thought that asthronomy was the hardest science that was till now--and it's no lie ,i'm telling you1 the same asthronomy is a tough enough morsel to break a man's fast upon--and geolidgy is middling and hard too--and hydherastatics is no joke2 but ov all the books ov science that ever was opened and shut1 that book upon ,pilitical ,econimy lifts the pins6 ,well1 well1 if they wait till they persuade me that taking a man's rints out ov the counthry1 and spinding them in forrain parts isn't doing us out ov the same1 they'll wait a long time in troth4 ,but you're waiting1 ,i see1 to hear how his ,riv'rence and his ,holiness got on after finishing the disputation ,i was telling you ov4 ,well1 you see1 my dear1 when the ,pope found he couldn't hould a candle to ,father ,tom in theology and logic1 he thought he'd take the shine out ov him in ,latin anyhow2 so says he1 ,misther ,maguire1 says he1 ,i quite agree wid you that it's not lucky for us to be spaking on them deep subjects in sich langidges as the evil spirits is acquainted wid2 and1 says he1 ,i think it 'ud be no harm for us to spake from this out in ,latin1 says he1 for fraid the devil 'ud undherstand what we are saying4 ,not a hair ,i care1 says ,father ,tom1 whether he undherstands what we're saying or not1 so long as we keep off that last pint we wor discussing1 and one or two others4 ,list'ners never heard good ov themselves1 says he2 and if ,belzhebub takes anything amiss that aither you or me says in regard ov himself or his faction1 let him stand forrid like a man1 and1 never fear1 ,i'll give him his answer4 ,howandiver1 if it's for a taste ov classic conversation you are1 just to put us in mind ov ould ,cordarius1 says he1 here's at you2 and wid that he lets fly at his ,holiness wid his health in ,latin4 ,vesthr ,sanctitatis salutem volo6 says he4 ,vesthr ,revirinti salubritati bibo6 says the ,pope to him again 7faith1 it's no joke1 ,i tell you1 to remimber sich a power ov larning74 ,here's to you wid the same1 says the ,pope1 in the raal ,ciceronian4 ,nunc poculum alterhum imple1 says he4 ,cum omni jucunditate in vita1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,cum summ concupiscinti et animositate1 says he2 as much as to say3 ,wid all the veins ov my heart1 ,i'll do that same2 and so1 wid that1 they mixed their fourth gun a piece4 ,aqua vit vesthra sane est liquor admirabilis1 says the ,pope4 ,verum est pro te--it's thrue for you1 says his ,riv'rence1 forgetting the idyim ov the ,latin phrawseology1 in a manner4 ,prava est tua ,latinitas1 domine1 says the ,pope1 finding fault like wid his etymology4 ,parva culpa mihi1 small blame to me1 that is1 says his ,riv'rence2 nam multum laboro in partibus interioribus1 says he--the dear man6 that never was at a loss for an excuse6 ,quid tibi incommodi8 says the ,pope1 axing him what ailed him4 ,habesne id quod ,anglice vocamus1 a looking-glass1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,immo1 habeo speculum splendidissimum subther operculum pyxidis hujus starnutatori1 says the ,pope1 pulling out a beautiful goold snuff-box1 wid a looking-glass in under the lid2 ,subther operculum pyxidis hujus starnutatorii--no--starnutatori--quam dono accepi ab ,archi-duce ,austhriaco siptuagisima prtherit1 says he2 as much as to say that he got the box in a prisint from the ,queen of ,spain last ,lint1 if ,i rightly remimber4 ,well1 ,father ,tom laughed like to burst4 ,at last says he1 ,pather ,sancte1 says he1 sub errore jaces4 ',looking-glass' apud nos habet significationem quamdam peculiarem ex tempore diei dependentem--there was a sthring ov accusatives for yez6--nam mane speculum sonat1 says he1 post prandium vero mat--mat--mat--sorra be in me but ,i disremimber the classic appellivation ov the same article4 ,howandiver1 his ,riv'rence went on explaining himself in such a way as no scholar could mistake4 ,vesica mea1 says he1 ab illo ultimo eversore distenditur1 donec similis est rumpere4 ,verbis apertis1 says he1 ,vesthr ,sanctitatis prsentia salvata1 aquam facere valde desidhero4 ,ho1 ho1 ho6 says the ,pope1 grabbing up his box2 si inquinavisses meam pyxidem1 excimnicari debuisses4 ,hillo1 ,anthony1 says he to his head butler1 fetch ,misther ,maguire a---- ,you spoke first6 says his ,riv'rence1 jumping off his sate3 ,you spoke first in the vernacular4 ,i take ,misther ,anthony to witness1 says he4 ,what else would you have me to do8 says the ,pope1 quite dogged like to see himself bate thataway at his own waypons4 ,sure1 says he1 ,anthony wouldn't undherstand a ,b from a bull's foot1 if ,i spoke to him any other way4 ,well1 then1 says his ,riv'rence1 in considheration ov the needcessity1 says he1 ,i'll let you off for this time2 but mind1 now1 afther ,i say prstho1 the first of us that spakes a word of ,english is the hare--prstho6 ,neither ov them spoke for near a minit1 considhering wid themselves how they wor to begin sich a great thrial ov shkill4 ,at last says the ,pope--the blessed man6 only think how 'cute it was ov him6--,domine ,maguire1 says he1 valde desidhero1 certiorem fieri de significatione istius verbi eversor quo jam jam usus es--7well1 surely ,i am the boy for the ,latin67 ,eversor1 id est cyathus1 says his ,riv'rence1 nam apud nos tumbleri1 seu eversores1 dicti sunt ab evertendo ceremonian inter amicos2 non1 ut ,temperanti ,societatis frigidis fautoribus placet1 ab evertendis ipsis potatoribus4 7,it's not every masther unher the ,boord1 ,i tell you1 could carry such a car-load ov the dead langidges47 ,in agro vero ,louthiano et ,midensi1 says he1 nomine gaudent quodam secundum linguam ,anglicanam significante bombardam seu tormentum2 quia ex eis tanquam ex telis jaculatoriis liquorem faucibus immitere solent4 ,etiam inter hreticos illos melanostomos 7that was a touch of ,greek71 ,presbyterianos ,septentrionales1 qui sunt terribiles potatores1 ,cyathi dicti sunt faceres1 et dimidium ,cyathi hf-a-glessus4 ,dimidium ,cyathi vero apud ,metropolitanos ,hibernicos dicitur dandy4-- ,en verbum ,anglicanum6 says the ,pope1 clapping his hands--leporem te fecisti2 as much as to say that he had made a hare ov himself4 ,dandus1 dandus1 verbum erat1 says his ,riv'rence--oh1 the dear man1 but it's himself that was handy ever and always at getting out ov a hobble--dandus verbum erat1 says he1 quod dicturus eram1 cum me intherpillavisti4 ,ast ego dico1 says the ,pope1 very sharp1 quod verbum erat dandy4 ,per tibicinem qui coram ,mose modulatus est1 says his ,riv'rence1 id flagellat mundum6 ,dandus dixi1 et tu dicis dandy2 ergo tu es lepus1 non ego--,ah1 ha6 ,saccavi vesthram ,sanctitatem6 ,mendacium est6 says the ,pope1 quite forgetting himself1 he was so mad at being sacked before the sarvints4 ,well1 if it hadn't been that his ,holiness was in it1 ,father ,tom 'ud have given him the contints of his tumbler betuxt the two eyes for calling him a liar2 and1 in troth1 it's very well it was in ,latin the offince was conveyed1 for1 if it had been in the vernacular1 there's no saying what 'ud ha' been the consequence4 ,his ,riv'rence was mighty angry anyhow4--,tu senex lathro1 says he1 quomodo audes me mendacem prdicare8 ,et tu1 sacrilege nebulo1 says the ,pope1 quomodo audacitatem habeas1 me ,dei in terris vicarium1 lathronem conviciari8 ,interroga circumcirca1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,abi ex dibus meis1 says the ,pope4 ,abi tu in malem crucem1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,excomunicabo te1 says the ,pope4 ,diabolus curat1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,anathema sis1 says the ,pope4 ,oscula meum pod1 says his ,riv'rence--but1 my dear1 afore he could finish what he was going to say1 the ,pope broke out into the vernacular1 ,get out o' my house1 you reprobate6 says he1 in sich a rage that he could contain himself widin the ,latin no longer4 ,ha1 ha1 ha6--ho1 ho1 ho6 says his ,riv'rence4 ,who's the hare now1 your ,holiness8 ,oh1 by this and by that1 ,i've sacked you clane6 ,clane and clever ,i've done it1 and no mistake6 ,you see what a bit ov desate will do wid the wisest1 your ,holiness--sure it was joking ,i was1 on purpose to aggravate you--all's fair1 you know1 in love1 law1 and conthravarsy4 ,in troth if ,i'd thought you'd have taken it so much to heart1 ,i'd have put my head into the fire afore ,i'd have said a word to offind you1 says he1 for he seen that the ,pope was very vexed4 ,sure1 ,god forbid that ,i'd say anything agin your ,holiness1 barring it was in fun3 for arn't you the father ov the faithful1 and the thrue vicar ov ,god upon earth8 ,and amn't ,i ready to go down on my two knees this blessed minit and beg your epostolical pardon for every word that ,i said to your displasement8 ,are you in arnest that it is in fun you wor8 says the ,pope4 ,may ,i never die if ,i amn't1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,it was all to provoke your ,holiness to commit a brache ov the ,latin that ,i tuck the small liberties ,i did1 says he4 ,i'd have you to take care1 says the ,pope1 how you take sich small liberties again1 or maybe you'll provoke me to commit a brache ov the pace4 ,well1 and if ,i did1 said his ,riv'rence1 ,i know a sartan preparation ov chymicals that's very good for curing a brache either in ,latinity or frindship4 ,what's that8 says the ,pope1 quite mollified1 and sitting down again at the table that he had ris from in the first pluff ov his indignation4 ,what's that8 says he1 for1 'pon my ,epistolical 'davy1 ,i think it 'udn't be asy to bate this miraclous mixthir that we've been thrying to anilize this two hours back1 says he1 taking a mighty scientifical swig out ov the bottom ov his tumbler4 ,it's good for a beginning1 says his ,riv'rence3 it lays a very nate foundation for more sarious operation3 but we're now arrived at a pariod ov the evening when its time to proceed wid our shuperstructhure by compass and square1 like free and excipted masons as we both are4 ,my time's up for the present2 but ,i'll tell you the rest in the evening at home4 ,,chapter ,,iv4 ,,how ,,father ,,tom ,,and ,,his ,,holiness ,,disputed ,,in ,,metaphysics ,,and ,,algebra4 ,god be wid the time when ,i went to the classical seminary ov ,firdramore6 when ,i'd bring my sod o' turf undher my arm1 and sit down on my shnug boss o' straw1 wid my back to the masther and my shins to the fire1 and score my sum in ,dives's denominations or the double rule o' three1 or play fox-and-geese wid purty ,jane ,cruise that sat next me1 as plisantly as the day was long1 widout any one so much as saying1 ,mikey ,heffernan1 what's that you're about8--for ever since ,i was in the one lodge wid poor ould ,mat ,i had my own way in his school as free as ever ,i had in my mother's shebeen4 ,god be wid them days1 ,i say again1 for its althered times wid me1 ,i judge1 since ,i got under ,carlisle and ,whately4 ,sich sthrictness6 sich ordher6 sich dhrilling1 and lecthiring1 and tuthoring as they do get on wid6 ,i wisht to gracious the one-half ov their rules and rigilations was sunk in the say4 ,and they're getting so sthrict1 too1 about having fair play for the heretic childher6 ,we've to have no more schools in the chapels1 nor masses in the schools4 ,oh1 by this and by that it'll never do at all6 ,the ould plan was twenty times betther2 and1 for my own part1 if it wasn't that the clargy supports them in a manner1 and the grant's a thing not easily done widout these hard times1 ,i'd see if ,i couldn't get a sheltered spot nigh-hand the chapel1 and set up again on the good ould principle3 and faix1 ,i think our ,metropolitan 'ud stand to me1 for ,i know that his ,grace's motto was ever and always1 that ,ignorance is the thrue mother of piety4 ,but ,i'm running away from my norration entirely1 so ,i am4 ,you'll plase to ordher up the housekeeper1 then1 says ,father ,tom to the ,pope1 wid a pint ov sweet milk in a skillet1 and the bulk ov her fist ov butther1 along wid a dust ov soft sugar in a saucer1 and ,i'll show you the way ov producing a decoction that1 ,i'll be bound1 will hunt the thirst out ov every nook and corner in your ,holiness's blessed carcidge4 ,the ,pope ordhered up the ingredients1 and they were brought in by the head butler4 ,that'll not do at all1 says his ,riv'rence1 the ingredients won't combine in due proportion unless ye do as ,i bid yez4 ,send up the housekeeper1 says he1 for a faymale hand is ondispinsably necessary to produce the adaptation ov the particles and the concurrence ov the corpuscles1 without which you might boil till morning1 and never fetch the cruds off ov it4 ,well1 the ,pope whispered to his head butler1 and by-and-by up there comes an ould faggot ov a ,caillean1 that was enough to frighten a horse from his oats4 ,don't thry for to desave me1 says his ,riv'rence1 for it's no use1 ,i tell yez4 ,send up the housekeeper1 ,i bid yez3 ,i seen her presarving gooseberries in the panthry as ,i came up3 she has eyes as black as a sloe1 says he1 and cheeks like the rose in ,june2 and sorra taste ov this celestial mixthir shall crass the lips ov man or mortial this blessed night till she stirs the same up wid her own delicate little finger4 ,misther ,maguire1 says the ,pope1 it's very unproper ov you to spake that way ov my housekeeper3 ,i won't allow it1 sir4 ,honor bright1 your ,holiness1 says his ,riv'rence1 laying his hand on his heart4 ,oh1 by this and by that1 ,misther ,maguire1 says the ,pope1 ,i'll have none ov your insinivations3 ,i don't care who sees my whole household1 says he2 ,i don't care if all the faymales undher my roof was paraded down the ,high ,street ov ,room1 says he4 ,oh1 it's plain to be seen how little you care who sees them1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,you're afeared1 now1 if ,i was to see your housekeeper1 that ,i'd say she was too handsome4 ,no1 ,i'm not6 says the ,pope2 ,i don't care who sees her1 says he4 ,anthony1 says he to the head butler1 bid ,eliza throw her apron over her head1 and come up here4 ,wasn't that stout in the blessed man8 ,well1 my dear1 up she came1 stepping like a three-year-old1 and blushing like the break o' day3 for though her apron was thrown over her head as she came forrid1 till you could barely see the tip ov her chin--more be token there was a lovely dimple in it1 as ,i've been tould--yet she let it shlip a bit to one side1 by chance like1 jist as she got forninst the fire1 and if she wouldn't have given his ,riv'rence a shot if he hadn't been a priest1 it's no matther4 ,now1 my dear1 says he1 you must take that skillet1 and hould it over the fire till the milk comes to a blood-hate2 and the way you'll know that will be by stirring it ons't or twice wid the little finger ov your right hand1 afore you put in the butther3 not that ,i misdoubt1 says he1 but that the same finger's fairer nor the whitest milk that ever came from the tit4 ,none ov your deludhering talk to the young woman1 sir1 says the ,pope1 mighty stern4 ,stir the posset as he bids you1 ,eliza1 and then be off wid yourself1 says he4 ,i beg your ,holiness's pardon ten thousand times1 says his ,riv'rence2 ,i'm sure ,i meant nothing onproper2 ,i hope ,i'm uncapable ov any sich dirilection ov my duty1 says he4 ,but1 marciful ,saver6 he cried out1 jumping up on a suddent1 look behind you1 your ,holiness--,i'm blest but the room's on fire6 ,sure enough the candle fell down that minit1 and was near setting fire to the windy-curtains1 and there was some bustle1 as you may suppose1 getting things put to rights4 ,and now ,i have to tell you ov a raally onpleasant occurrence4 ,if ,i was a ,prodesan that was in it1 ,i'd say that while the ,pope's back was turned1 ,father ,tom made free wid the two lips ov ,miss ,eliza2 but1 upon my conscience1 ,i believe it was a mere mistake that his ,holiness fell into on account of his being an ould man1 and not having aither his eyesight or his hearing very parfect4 ,at any rate it can't be denied but that he had a sthrong imprission that sich was the case2 for he wheeled about as quick as thought1 jist as his ,riv'rence was sitting down1 and charged him wid the offince plain and plump4 ,is it kissing my housekeeper before my face you are1 you villain8 says he4 ,go down out o' this1 says he to ,miss ,eliza2 and do you be packing off wid you1 he says to ,father ,tom1 for it's not safe1 so it isn't1 to have the likes ov you in a house where there's temptation in your way4 ,is it me8 says his ,riv'rence2 why1 what would your ,holiness be at1 at all8 ,sure ,i wasn't doing no sich thing4 ,would you have me doubt the evidence ov my sinses8 says the ,pope2 would you have me doubt the testimony ov my eyes and ears8 says he4 ,indeed ,i would so1 says his ,riv'rence1 if they pretind to have informed your ,holiness of any sich foolishness4 ,why1 says the ,pope1 ,i seen you afther kissing ,eliza as plain as ,i see the nose on your face2 ,i heard the smack you gave her as plain as ever ,i heard thundher4 ,and how do you know whether you see the nose on my face or not8 says his ,riv'rence2 and how do you know whether what you thought was thundher1 was thundher at all8 ,them operations of the sinses1 says he1 comprises only particular corporayal emotions1 connected wid sartin confused perciptions called sinsations1 and isn't to be depended upon at all4 ,if we were to follow them blind guides1 we might jist as well turn heretics at ons't4 ',pon my secret word1 your ,holiness1 it's naither charitable nor orthodox ov you to set up the testimony ov your eyes and ears agin the character ov a clergyman4 ,and now1 see how aisy it is to explain all them phwenomena that perplexed you4 ,i ris and went over beside the young woman because the skillet was boiling over1 to help her to save the dhrop ov liquor that was in it2 and as for the noise you heard1 my dear man1 it was neither more nor less nor myself dhrawing the cork out ov this blissid bottle4 ,don't offer to thrape that upon me6 says the ,pope2 here's the cork in the bottle still1 as tight as a wedge4 ,i beg your pardon1 says his ,riv'rence1 that's not the cork at all1 says he2 ,i dhrew the cork a good two minits ago1 and it's very purtily spitted on the end ov this blessed cork-shcrew at this prisint moment2 howandiver you can't see it1 because it's only its raal prisence that's in it4 ,but that appearance that you call a cork1 says he1 is nothing but the outward spacies and external qualities ov the cortical nathur4 ,them's nothing but the accidents ov the cork that you're looking at and handling2 but1 as ,i tould you afore1 the real cork's dhrew1 and is here prisint on the end ov this nate little insthrument1 and it was the noise ,i made in dhrawing it1 and nothing else1 that you mistook for the sound ov the pogue4 ,you know there was no conthravening what he said2 and the ,pope couldn't openly deny it4 ,howandiver he thried to pick a hole in it this way4 ,granting1 says he1 that there is the differ you say betuxt the reality ov the cork and them cortical accidents1 and that it's quite possible1 as you allidge1 that the thrue cork is really prisint on the end ov the shcrew1 while the accidents keep the mouth ov the bottle stopped--still1 says he1 ,i can't undherstand1 though willing to acquit you1 how the dhrawing ov the real cork1 that's onpalpable and widout accidents1 could produce the accident ov that sinsible explosion ,i heard jist now4 ,all ,i can say1 says his ,riv'rence1 is1 that ,i'm sinsible it was a raal accident1 anyhow4 ,ay1 says the ,pope1 ,the kiss you gev ,eliza1 you mane4 ,no1 says his ,riv'rence1 but the report ,i made4 ,i don't doubt you1 says the ,pope4 ,no cork could be dhrew with less noise1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,it would be hard for anything to be less nor nothing1 barring algebra1 says the ,pope4 ,i can prove to the conthrary1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,this glass ov whisky is less nor that tumbler ov punch1 and that tumbler ov punch is nothing to this jug of scaltheen4 ,do you judge by superficial misure or by the liquid contents8 says the ,pope4 ,don't stop me betuxt my premisses and my conclusion1 says his ,riv'rence2 ,ergo1 this glass ov whisky is less nor nothing2 and for that raison ,i see no harm in life in adding it to the contents ov the same jug1 just by way ov a frost-nail4 ,adding what's less nor nothing1 says the ,pope1 is subthraction according to algebra2 so here goes to make the rule good1 says he1 filling his tumbler wid the blessed stuff1 and sitting down again at the table1 for the anger didn't stay two minutes on him1 the good-hearted ould sowl4 ,two minuses makes one plus1 says his ,riv'rence1 as ready as you plase1 and that'll account for the increased daycrement ,i mane to take the liberty ov producing in the same mixed quantity1 says he1 follying his ,holiness's epistolical example4 ,by all that's good1 says the ,pope1 that's the best stuff ,i ever tasted2 you call it a mixed quantity1 but ,i say it's prime4 ,since it's ov the first ordher1 then1 says his ,riv'rence1 we'll have the less deffeequilty in reducing it to a simple equation4 ,you'll have no fractions at my side1 anyhow1 says the ,pope4 ,faix1 ,i'm afeard1 says he1 it's only too aisy ov solution our sum is like to be4 ,never fear for that1 says his ,riv'rence1 ,i've a good stock ov surds here in the bottle2 for ,i tell you it will take us a long time to exthract the root ov it1 at the rate we're going on4 ,what makes you call the blessed quart an irrational quantity8 says the ,pope4 ,becase it's too much for one1 and too little for two1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,clear it ov its co-efficient1 and we'll thry1 says the ,pope4 ,hand me over the exponent1 then1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,what's that8 says the ,pope4 ,the schrew1 to be sure1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,sure the cork's dhrew1 says the ,pope4 ,but the sperits can't get out on account of the accidents that's stuck in the neck ov the bottle1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,accident ought to be passable to sperit1 says the ,pope1 and that makes me suspect that the reality ov the cork's in it afther all4 ,that's a barony-masia1 says his ,riv'rence1 and ,i'm not bound to answer it4 ,but the fact is1 that it's the accidents ov the sperits too that's in it1 and the reality's passed out through the cortical spacies as you say2 for1 you may have observed1 we've both been in raal good sperits ever since the cork was dhrawn1 and where else would the raal sperits come from if they would't come out ov the bottle8 ,well1 then1 says the ,pope1 since we've got the reality1 there's no use throubling ourselves wid the accidents4 ,oh1 begad1 says his ,riv'rence1 the accidents is very essential too2 for a man may be in the best of good sperits1 as far as his immaterial part goes1 and yet need the accidental qualities ov good liquor to hunt the sinsible thirst out ov him4 ,so he dhraws the cork in earnest1 and sets about brewing the other skillet ov scaltheen2 but1 faix1 he had to get up the ingredients this time by the hands ov ould ,molly2 though devil a taste ov her little finger he'd let widin a yard ov the same decoction4 ,but1 my dear1 here's the ,freeman's ,journal1 and we'll see what's the news afore we finish the residuary proceedings ov their two ,holinesses4 ,,chapter ,v4 ,,the ,,reason ,,why ,,father ,,tom ,,was ,,not ,,made ,a ,,cardinal4 ,hurroo1 my darlings6--didn't ,i tell you it 'ud never do8 ,success to bould ,john ,tuam and the old siminary of ,firdramore6 ,oh1 more power to your ,grace every day you rise1 'tis you that has broken their ,boord into shivers undher your feet6 ,sure1 and isn't it a proud day for ,ireland1 this blessed feast ov the chair ov ,saint ,pether8 ,isn't ,carlisle and ,whately smashed to pieces1 and their whole college ov swaddling teachers knocked into smidhereens4 ,john ,tuam1 your sowl1 has tuck his pasthoral staff in his hand and beathen them out o' ,connaught as fast ever ,pathrick druve the sarpints into ,clew ,bay4 ,poor ould ,mat ,kavanagh1 if he was alive this day1 'tis he would be the happy man4 ,my curse upon their g'ographies and ,bibles1 he used to say2 where's the use ov perplexing the poor childer wid what we don't undherstand ourselves8 no use at all1 in troth1 and so ,i said from the first myself4 ,well1 thank ,god and his ,grace1 we'll have no more thrigonomethry nor scripther in ,connaught4 ,we'll hould our lodges every ,saturday night1 as we used to do1 wid our chairman behind the masther's desk1 and we'll hear our mass every ,sunday morning wid the blessed priest standing afore the same4 ,i wisht to goodness ,i hadn't parted wid my ,seven ,champions ov ,christendom and ,freney the ,robber2 they're books that'll be in great requist in ,leithrim as soon as the pasthoral gets wind4 ,glory be to ,god6 ,i've done wid their lecthirs--they may all go and be d----d wid their consumption and production4 ,i'm off to ,tullymactaggart before daylight in the morning1 where ,i'll thry whether a sod or two o' turf can't consume a cartload ov heresy1 and whether a weekly meeting ov the lodge can't produce a new thayory ov rints4 ,but afore ,i take my lave ov you1 ,i may as well finish my story about poor ,father ,tom that ,i hear is coming up to whale the heretics in ,adam and ,eve during the ,lint4 ,the ,pope--and indeed it ill becomes a good ,catholic to say anything agin him--no more would ,i1 only that his ,riv'rence was in it--but you see that the fact ov it is1 that the ,pope was as envious as ever he could be1 at seeing himself sacked right and left by ,father ,tom1 and bate out o' the face1 the way he was1 on every science and subjec' that was started4 ,so1 not to be outdone altogether1 he says to his ,riv'rence1 ,you're a man that's fond ov the brute crayation1 ,i hear1 ,misther ,maguire8 ,i don't deny it1 says his ,riv'rence2 ,i've dogs that ,i'm willing to run agin any man's1 ay1 or to match them agin any other dogs in the world for genteel edication and polite manners1 says he4 ,i'll hould you a pound1 says the ,pope1 that ,i've a quadhruped in my possession that's a wiser baste nor any dog in your kennel4 ,done1 says his ,riv'rence1 and they staked the money4 ,what can this larned quadhruped o' yours do8 says his ,riv'rence4 ,it's my mule1 says the ,pope1 and if you were to offer her goolden oats and clover off the meadows o' ,paradise1 sorra taste ov aither she'd let pass her teeth till the first mass is over every ,sunday or holiday in the year4 ,well1 and what 'ud you say if ,i showed you a baste of mine1 says his ,riv'rence1 that1 instead ov fasting till first mass is over only1 fasts out the whole four-and-twenty hours ov every ,wednesday and ,friday in the week as reg'lar as a ,christian8 ,oh1 be aisy1 ,misther ,maguire1 says the ,pope4 ,you don't b'lieve me1 don't you8 says his ,riv'rence2 very well1 ,i'll soon show you whether or no1 and he puts his knuckles in his mouth1 and gev a whistle that made the ,pope stop his fingers in his ears4 ,the aycho1 my dear1 was hardly done playing wid the cobwebs in the cornish1 when the door flies open1 and in jumps ,spring4 ,the ,pope happened to be sitting next the door1 betuxt him and his ,riv'rence1 and1 may ,i never die1 if he didn't clear him1 thriple crown and all1 at one spang4 ,god's presence be about us6 says the ,pope1 thinking it was an evil spirit come to fly away wid him for the lie that he had tould in regard ov his mule 7for it was nothing more nor a thrick that consisted in grasing the brute's teeth73 but1 seeing it was one ov the greatest beauties ov a grayhound that he'd ever laid his epistolical eyes on1 he soon recovered ov his fright1 and began to pat him1 while ,father ,tom ris and went to the sideboord1 where he cut a slice ov pork1 a slice ov beef1 a slice ov mutton1 and a slice ov salmon1 and put them all on a plate thegither4 ,here1 ,spring1 my man1 says he1 setting the plate down afore him on the hearthstone1 here's your supper for you this blessed ,friday night4 ,not a word more he said nor what ,i tell you2 and1 you may believe it or not1 but it's the blessed truth that the dog1 afther jist tasting the salmon1 and spitting it out again1 lifted his nose out o' the plate1 and stood wid his jaws wathering1 and his tail wagging1 looking up in his ,riv'rence's face1 as much as to say1 ,give me your absolution1 till ,i hide them temptations out o' my sight4 ,there's a dog that knows his duty1 says his ,riv'rence2 there's a baste that knows how to conduct himself aither in the parlor or the field4 ,you think him a good dog1 looking at him here2 but ,i wisht you seen him on the side ov ,slieve-an-,eirin6 ,be my soul1 you'd say the hill was running away from undher him4 ,oh ,i wisht you had been wid me1 says he1 never letting on to see the dog at all1 one day1 last ,lint1 that ,i was coming from mass4 ,spring was near a quarther ov a mile behind me1 for the childher was delaying him wid bread and butther at the chapel door2 when a lump ov a hare jumped out ov the plantations ov ,grouse ,lodge and ran acrass the road2 so ,i gave the whilloo1 and knowing that she'd take the rise ov the hill1 ,i made over the ditch1 and up through ,mullagheashel as hard as ,i could pelt1 still keeping her in view1 but afore ,i had gone a perch1 ,spring seen her1 and away the two went like the wind1 up ,drumrewry1 and down ,clooneen1 and over the river1 widout his being able ons't to turn her4 ,well1 ,i run on till ,i came to the ,diffagher1 and through it ,i went1 for the wather was low and ,i didn't mind being wet shod1 and out on the other side1 where ,i got up on a ditch1 and seen sich a coorse as ,i'll be bound to say was never seen afore or since4 ,if ,spring turned that hare ons't that day1 he turned her fifty times1 up and down1 back and for'ard throughout and about4 ,at last he run her right into the big quarryhole in ,mullaghbawn1 and when ,i went up to look for her fud1 there ,i found him sthretched on his side1 not able to stir a foot1 and the hare lying about an inch afore his nose as dead as a door-nail1 and divil a mark ov a tooth upon her4 ,eh1 ,spring1 isn't that thrue8 says he4 ,jist at that minit the clock sthruck twelve1 and1 before you could say thrap-sticks1 ,spring had the plateful ov mate consaled4 ,now1 says his ,riv'rence1 hand me over my pound1 for ,i've won my bate fairly4 ,you'll excuse me1 says the ,pope1 pocketing his money1 for we put the clock half an hour back1 out ov compliment to your ,riv'rence1 says he1 and it was ,sathurday morning afore he came up at all4 ,well1 it's no matther1 says his ,riv'rence1 putting back his pound-note in his pocket-book1 only1 says he1 it's hardly fair to expect a brute baste to be so well skilled in the science ov chronology4 ,in troth his ,riv'rence was badly used in the same bate1 for he won it clever2 and1 indeed1 ,i'm afraid the shabby way he was thrated had some effect in putting it into his mind to do what he did4 ,will your ,holiness take a blast ov the pipe8 says he1 dhrawing out his dhudeen4 ,i never smoke1 says the ,pope1 but ,i haven't the laste objection to the smell ov the tobaccay4 ,oh1 you had better take a dhraw1 says his ,riv'rence1 it'll relish the dhrink1 that 'ud be too luscious entirely1 widout something to flavor it4 ,i had thoughts1 said the ,pope1 wid the laste sign ov a hiccup on him1 ov getting up a broiled bone for the same purpose4 ,well1 says his ,riv'rence1 a broiled bone 'ud do no manner ov harm at this present time2 but a smoke1 says he1 'ud flavor both the divil and the dhrink4 ,what sort o' tobaccay is it that's in it8 says the ,pope4 ,raal nagur-head1 says his ,riv'rence2 a very mild and salubrious spacies ov the philosophic weed4 ,then1 ,i don't care if ,i do take a dhraw1 says the ,pope4 ,then ,father ,tom held the coal himself till his ,holiness had the pipe lit2 and they sat widout saying anything worth mentioning for about five minutes4 ,at last the ,pope says to his ,riv'rence3 ,i dunna what gev me this plaguy hiccup1 says he4 ,dhrink about1 says he--,begorra1 he says1 ,i think ,i'm getting merrier nor's good for me4 ,sing us a song1 your ,riv'rence1 says he4 ,father ,tom then sung him ,monatagrenoge and the ,bunch o' ,rushes1 and he was mighty well pleased wid both1 keeping time wid his hands1 and joining in the choruses1 when his hiccup 'ud let him4 ,at last1 my dear1 he opens the lower buttons ov his waistcoat1 and the top one ov his waistband1 and calls to ,master ,anthony to lift up one ov the windys4 ,i dunna what's wrong wid me1 at all at all1 says he1 ,i'm mortial sick4 ,i thrust1 says his ,riv'rence1 the pasthry that you ate at dinner hasn't disagreed wid your ,holiness's stomach4 ,oh my6 oh6 says the ,pope1 what's this at all8 gasping for breath1 and as pale as a sheet1 wid a could swate bursting out over his forehead1 and the palms ov his hands spread out to catch the air4 ,oh my6--oh my6 says he1 fetch me a basin6--,don't spake to me4 ,oh6--oh6--blood alive6--,oh1 my head1 my head1 hould my head6--oh6--ubh6--,i'm poisoned6--ach6 ,it was them plaguy pasthries1 says his ,riv'rence4 ,hould his head hard1 says he1 and clap a wet cloth over his timples4 ,if you could only thry another dhraw o' the pipe1 your ,holiness1 it 'ud set you to rights in no time4 ,carry me to bed1 says the ,pope1 and never let me see that wild ,irish priest again4 ,i'm poisoned by his manes--ubplsch6--ach6--ach6--,he dined wid ,cardinal ,wayld yesterday1 says he1 and he's bribed him to take me off4 ,send for a confissor1 says he1 for my latther end's approaching4 ,my head's like to split--so it is6--,oh my6 oh my6--ubplsch6--ach6 ,well1 his ,riv'rence never thought it worth his while to make him an answer2 but1 when he seen how ungratefully he was used1 afther all his throuble in making the evening agreeable to the ould man1 he called ,spring1 and put the but-end ov the second bottle into his pocket1 and left the house widout once wishing ,good-night1 an' plaisant dhrames to you2 and1 in troth1 not one of them axed him to lave them a lock ov his hair4 ,that's the story as ,i heard it tould2 but myself doesn't b'lieve over one-half ov it4 ,howandiver1 when all's done1 it's a shame1 so it is1 that he's not a bishop this blessed day and hour3 for1 next to the goiant ov ,st4 ,jarlath's1 he's out and out the cleverest fellow ov the whole jing-bang4