,,what ,,is ,,man8 ,,and ,,other ,,essays ,by ,mark ,twain 7,samuel ,langhorne ,clemens1 #ahce-aiaj7 ,,contents ,,what ,,is ,,man8 ,,the ,,death ,,of ,,jean ,,the ,,turning-,,point ,,of ,,my ,,life ,,how ,,to ,,make ,,history ,,dates ,,stick ,,the ,,memorable ,,assassination ,a ,,scrap ,,of ,,curious ,,history ,,switzerland1 ,,the ,,cradle ,,of ,,liberty ,,at ,,the ,,shrine ,,of ,,st4 ,,wagner ,,william ,,dean ,,howells ,,english ,,as ,,she ,,is ,,taught ,a ,,simplified ,,alphabet ,,as ,,concerns ,,interpreting ,,the ,,deity ,,concerning ,,tobacco ,,the ,,bee ,,taming ,,the ,,bicycle ,,is ,,shakespeare ,,dead8 ,,what ,,is ,,man8 ,i a4 ,man the ,machine4 b4 ,personal ,merit ,the ,old ,man and the ,young ,man had been conversing4 ,the ,old ,man had asserted that the human being is merely a machine1 and nothing more4 ,the ,young ,man objected1 and asked him to go into particulars and furnish his reasons for his position4 ,old ,man4 ,what are the materials of which a steam-engine is made8 ,young ,man4 ,iron1 steel1 brass1 white-metal1 and so on4 ,o4,m4 ,where are these found8 ,y4,m4 ,in the rocks4 ,o4,m4 ,in a pure state8 ,y4,m4 ,no--in ores4 ,o4,m4 ,are the metals suddenly deposited in the ores8 ,y4,m4 ,no--it is the patient work of countless ages4 ,o4,m4 ,you could make the engine out of the rocks themselves8 ,y4,m4 ,yes1 a brittle one and not valuable4 ,o4,m4 ,you would not require much1 of such an engine as that8 ,y4,m4 ,no--substantially nothing4 ,o4,m4 ,to make a fine and capable engine1 how would you proceed8 ,y4,m4 ,drive tunnels and shafts into the hills2 blast out the iron ore2 crush it1 smelt it1 reduce it to pig-iron2 put some of it through the ,bessemer process and make steel of it4 ,mine and treat and combine several metals of which brass is made4 ,o4,m4 ,then8 ,y4,m4 ,out of the perfected result1 build the fine engine4 ,o4,m4 ,you would require much of this one8 ,y4,m4 ,oh1 indeed yes4 ,o4,m4 ,it could drive lathes1 drills1 planers1 punches1 polishers1 in a word all the cunning machines of a great factory8 ,y4,m4 ,it could4 ,o4,m4 ,what could the stone engine do8 ,y4,m4 ,drive a sewing-machine1 possibly--nothing more1 perhaps4 ,o4,m4 ,men would admire the other engine and rapturously praise it8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,but not the stone one8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,o4,m4 ,the merits of the metal machine would be far above those of the stone one8 ,y4,m4 ,of course4 ,o4,m4 ,personal merits8 ,y4,m4 ,personal merits8 ,how do you mean8 ,o4,m4 ,it would be personally entitled to the credit of its own performance8 ,y4,m4 ,the engine8 ,certainly not4 ,o4,m4 ,why not8 ,y4,m4 ,because its performance is not personal4 ,it is the result of the law of construction4 ,it is not a merit that it does the things which it is set to do--it can't help doing them4 ,o4,m4 ,and it is not a personal demerit in the stone machine that it does so little8 ,y4,m4 ,certainly not4 ,it does no more and no less than the law of its make permits and compels it to do4 ,there is nothing personal about it2 it cannot choose4 ,in this process of 8working up to the matter0 is it your idea to work up to the proposition that man and a machine are about the same thing1 and that there is no personal merit in the performance of either8 ,o4,m4 ,yes--but do not be offended2 ,i am meaning no offense4 ,what makes the grand difference between the stone engine and the steel one8 ,shall we call it training1 education8 ,shall we call the stone engine a savage and the steel one a civilized man8 ,the original rock contained the stuff of which the steel one was built--but along with a lot of sulphur and stone and other obstructing inborn heredities1 brought down from the old geologic ages--prejudices1 let us call them4 ,prejudices which nothing within the rock itself had either power to remove or any desire to remove4 ,will you take note of that phrase8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,i have written it down2 8,prejudices which nothing within the rock itself had either power to remove or any desire to remove40 ,go on4 ,o4,m4 ,prejudices must be removed by outside influences or not at all4 ,put that down4 ,y4,m4 ,very well2 8,must be removed by outside influences or not at all40 ,go on4 ,o4,m4 ,the iron's prejudice against ridding itself of the cumbering rock4 ,to make it more exact1 the iron's absolute indifference as to whether the rock be removed or not4 ,then comes the outside influence and grinds the rock to powder and sets the ore free4 ,the iron in the ore is still captive4 ,an outside influence smelts it free of the clogging ore4 ,the iron is emancipated iron1 now1 but indifferent to further progress4 ,an outside influence beguiles it into the ,bessemer furnace and refines it into steel of the first quality4 ,it is educated1 now--its training is complete4 ,and it has reached its limit4 ,by no possible process can it be educated into gold4 ,will you set that down8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 8,everything has its limit--iron ore cannot be educated into gold40 ,o4,m4 ,there are gold men1 and tin men1 and copper men1 and leaden men1 and steel men1 and so on--and each has the limitations of his nature1 his heredities1 his training1 and his environment4 ,you can build engines out of each of these metals1 and they will all perform1 but you must not require the weak ones to do equal work with the strong ones4 ,in each case1 to get the best results1 you must free the metal from its obstructing prejudicial ones by education--smelting1 refining1 and so forth4 ,y4,m4 ,you have arrived at man1 now8 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,man the machine--man the impersonal engine4 ,whatsoever a man is1 is due to his make1 and to the influences brought to bear upon it by his heredities1 his habitat1 his associations4 ,he is moved1 directed1 commanded1 by exterior influences--solely4 ,he originates nothing1 not even a thought4 ,y4,m4 ,oh1 come6 ,where did ,i get my opinion that this which you are talking is all foolishness8 ,o4,m4 ,it is a quite natural opinion--indeed an inevitable opinion--but you did not create the materials out of which it is formed4 ,they are odds and ends of thoughts1 impressions1 feelings1 gathered unconsciously from a thousand books1 a thousand conversations1 and from streams of thought and feeling which have flowed down into your heart and brain out of the hearts and brains of centuries of ancestors4 ,personally you did not create even the smallest microscopic fragment of the materials out of which your opinion is made2 and personally you cannot claim even the slender merit of putting the borrowed materials together4 ,that was done automatically--by your mental machinery1 in strict accordance with the law of that machinery's construction4 ,and you not only did not make that machinery yourself1 but you have not even any command over it4 ,y4,m4 ,this is too much4 ,you think ,i could have formed no opinion but that one8 ,o4,m4 ,spontaneously8 ,no4 ,and you did not form that one2 your machinery did it for you--automatically and instantly1 without reflection or the need of it4 ,y4,m4 ,suppose ,i had reflected8 ,how then8 ,o4,m4 ,suppose you try8 ,y4,m4 7,after a quarter of an hour47 ,i have reflected4 ,o4,m4 ,you mean you have tried to change your opinion--as an experiment8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,with success8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,it remains the same2 it is impossible to change it4 ,o4,m4 ,i am sorry1 but you see1 yourself1 that your mind is merely a machine1 nothing more4 ,you have no command over it1 it has no command over itself--it is worked solely from the outside4 ,that is the law of its make2 it is the law of all machines4 ,y4,m4 ,can't ,i ever change one of these automatic opinions8 ,o4,m4 ,no4 ,you can't yourself1 but exterior influences can do it4 ,y4,m4 ,and exterior ones only8 ,o4,m4 ,yes--exterior ones only4 ,y4,m4 ,that position is untenable--,i may say ludicrously untenable4 ,o4,m4 ,what makes you think so8 ,y4,m4 ,i don't merely think it1 ,i know it4 ,suppose ,i resolve to enter upon a course of thought1 and study1 and reading1 with the deliberate purpose of changing that opinion2 and suppose ,i succeed4 ,that is not the work of an exterior impulse1 the whole of it is mine and personal2 for ,i originated the project4 ,o4,m4 ,not a shred of it4 ,it grew out of this talk with me4 ,but for that it would not have occurred to you4 ,no man ever originates anything4 ,all his thoughts1 all his impulses1 come from the outside4 ,y4,m4 ,it's an exasperating subject4 ,the first man had original thoughts1 anyway2 there was nobody to draw from4 ,o4,m4 ,it is a mistake4 ,adam's thoughts came to him from the outside4 ,you have a fear of death4 ,you did not invent that--you got it from outside1 from talking and teaching4 ,adam had no fear of death--none in the world4 ,y4,m4 ,yes1 he had4 ,o4,m4 ,when he was created8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,o4,m4 ,when1 then8 ,y4,m4 ,when he was threatened with it4 ,o4,m4 ,then it came from outside4 ,adam is quite big enough2 let us not try to make a god of him4 ,none but gods have ever had a thought which did not come from the outside4 ,adam probably had a good head1 but it was of no sort of use to him until it was filled up from the outside4 ,he was not able to invent the triflingest little thing with it4 ,he had not a shadow of a notion of the difference between good and evil--he had to get the idea from the outside4 ,neither he nor ,eve was able to originate the idea that it was immodest to go naked2 the knowledge came in with the apple from the outside4 ,a man's brain is so constructed that it can originate nothing whatsoever4 ,it can only use material obtained outside4 ,it is merely a machine2 and it works automatically1 not by will-power4 ,it has no command over itself1 its owner has no command over it4 ,y4,m4 ,well1 never mind ,adam3 but certainly ,shakespeare's creations-- ,o4,m4 ,no1 you mean ,shakespeare's imitations4 ,shakespeare created nothing4 ,he correctly observed1 and he marvelously painted4 ,he exactly portrayed people whom ,god had created2 but he created none himself4 ,let us spare him the slander of charging him with trying4 ,shakespeare could not create4 ,he was a machine1 and machines do not create4 ,y4,m4 ,where was his excellence1 then8 ,o4,m4 ,in this4 ,he was not a sewing-machine1 like you and me2 he was a ,gobelin loom4 ,the threads and the colors came into him from the outside2 outside influences1 suggestions1 experiences 7reading1 seeing plays1 playing plays1 borrowing ideas1 and so on71 framed the patterns in his mind and started up his complex and admirable machinery1 and it automatically turned out that pictured and gorgeous fabric which still compels the astonishment of the world4 ,if ,shakespeare had been born and bred on a barren and unvisited rock in the ocean his mighty intellect would have had no outside material to work with1 and could have invented none2 and no outside influences1 teachings1 moldings1 persuasions1 inspirations1 of a valuable sort1 and could have invented none2 and so ,shakespeare would have produced nothing4 ,in ,turkey he would have produced something--something up to the highest limit of ,turkish influences1 associations1 and training4 ,in ,france he would have produced something better--something up to the highest limit of the ,french influences and training4 ,in ,england he rose to the highest limit attainable through the outside helps afforded by that land's ideals1 influences1 and training4 ,you and ,i are but sewing-machines4 ,we must turn out what we can2 we must do our endeavor and care nothing at all when the unthinking reproach us for not turning out ,gobelins4 ,y4,m4 ,and so we are mere machines6 ,and machines may not boast1 nor feel proud of their performance1 nor claim personal merit for it1 nor applause and praise4 ,it is an infamous doctrine4 ,o4,m4 ,it isn't a doctrine1 it is merely a fact4 ,y4,m4 ,i suppose1 then1 there is no more merit in being brave than in being a coward8 ,o4,m4 ,personal merit8 ,no4 ,a brave man does not create his bravery4 ,he is entitled to no personal credit for possessing it4 ,it is born to him4 ,a baby born with a billion dollars--where is the personal merit in that8 ,a baby born with nothing--where is the personal demerit in that8 ,the one is fawned upon1 admired1 worshiped1 by sycophants1 the other is neglected and despised--where is the sense in it8 ,y4,m4 ,sometimes a timid man sets himself the task of conquering his cowardice and becoming brave--and succeeds4 ,what do you say to that8 ,o4,m4 ,that it shows the value of training in right directions over training in wrong ones4 ,inestimably valuable is training1 influence1 education1 in right directions--training one's self-approbation to elevate its ideals4 ,y4,m4 ,but as to merit--the personal merit of the victorious coward's project and achievement8 ,o4,m4 ,there isn't any4 ,in the world's view he is a worthier man than he was before1 but he didn't achieve the change--the merit of it is not his4 ,y4,m4 ,whose1 then8 ,o4,m4 ,his make1 and the influences which wrought upon it from the outside4 ,y4,m4 ,his make8 ,o4,m4 ,to start with1 he was not utterly and completely a coward1 or the influences would have had nothing to work upon4 ,he was not afraid of a cow1 though perhaps of a bull3 not afraid of a woman1 but afraid of a man4 ,there was something to build upon4 ,there was a seed4 ,no seed1 no plant4 ,did he make that seed himself1 or was it born in him8 ,it was no merit of his that the seed was there4 ,y4,m4 ,well1 anyway1 the idea of cultivating it1 the resolution to cultivate it1 was meritorious1 and he originated that4 ,o4,m4 ,he did nothing of the kind4 ,it came whence all impulses1 good or bad1 come--from outside4 ,if that timid man had lived all his life in a community of human rabbits1 had never read of brave deeds1 had never heard speak of them1 had never heard any one praise them nor express envy of the heroes that had done them1 he would have had no more idea of bravery than ,adam had of modesty1 and it could never by any possibility have occurred to him to resolve to become brave4 ,he could not originate the idea--it had to come to him from the outside4 ,and so1 when he heard bravery extolled and cowardice derided1 it woke him up4 ,he was ashamed4 ,perhaps his sweetheart turned up her nose and said1 8,i am told that you are a coward60 ,it was not he that turned over the new leaf--she did it for him4 ,he must not strut around in the merit of it --it is not his4 ,y4,m4 ,but1 anyway1 he reared the plant after she watered the seed4 ,o4,m4 ,no4 ,outside influences reared it4 ,at the command--and trembling--he marched out into the field--with other soldiers and in the daytime1 not alone and in the dark4 ,he had the influence of example1 he drew courage from his comrades' courage2 he was afraid1 and wanted to run1 but he did not dare2 he was afraid to run1 with all those soldiers looking on4 ,he was progressing1 you see--the moral fear of shame had risen superior to the physical fear of harm4 ,by the end of the campaign experience will have taught him that not all who go into battle get hurt--an outside influence which will be helpful to him2 and he will also have learned how sweet it is to be praised for courage and be huzza'd at with tear-choked voices as the war-worn regiment marches past the worshiping multitude with flags flying and the drums beating4 ,after that he will be as securely brave as any veteran in the army--and there will not be a shade nor suggestion of personal merit in it anywhere2 it will all have come from the outside4 ,the ,victoria ,cross breeds more heroes than-- ,y4,m4 ,hang it1 where is the sense in his becoming brave if he is to get no credit for it8 ,o4,m4 ,your question will answer itself presently4 ,it involves an important detail of man's make which we have not yet touched upon4 ,y4,m4 ,what detail is that8 ,o4,m4 ,the impulse which moves a person to do things--the only impulse that ever moves a person to do a thing4 ,y4,m4 ,the only one6 ,is there but one8 ,o4,m4 ,that is all4 ,there is only one4 ,y4,m4 ,well1 certainly that is a strange enough doctrine4 ,what is the sole impulse that ever moves a person to do a thing8 ,o4,m4 ,the impulse to content his own spirit--the necessity of contenting his own spirit and winning its approval4 ,y4,m4 ,oh1 come1 that won't do6 ,o4,m4 ,why won't it8 ,y4,m4 ,because it puts him in the attitude of always looking out for his own comfort and advantage2 whereas an unselfish man often does a thing solely for another person's good when it is a positive disadvantage to himself4 ,o4,m4 ,it is a mistake4 ,the act must do him good1 first2 otherwise he will not do it4 ,he may think he is doing it solely for the other person's sake1 but it is not so2 he is contenting his own spirit first--the other's person's benefit has to always take second place4 ,y4,m4 ,what a fantastic idea6 ,what becomes of self--sacrifice8 ,please answer me that4 ,o4,m4 ,what is self-sacrifice8 ,y4,m4 ,the doing good to another person where no shadow nor suggestion of benefit to one's self can result from it4 ,,ii ,man's ,sole ,impulse--the ,securing of ,his ,own ,approval ,old ,man4 ,there have been instances of it--you think8 ,young ,man4 ,instances8 ,millions of them6 ,o4,m4 ,you have not jumped to conclusions8 ,you have examined them--critically8 ,y4,m4 ,they don't need it3 the acts themselves reveal the golden impulse back of them4 ,o4,m4 ,for instance8 ,y4,m4 ,well1 then1 for instance4 ,take the case in the book here4 ,the man lives three miles up-town4 ,it is bitter cold1 snowing hard1 midnight4 ,he is about to enter the horse-car when a gray and ragged old woman1 a touching picture of misery1 puts out her lean hand and begs for rescue from hunger and death4 ,the man finds that he has a quarter in his pocket1 but he does not hesitate3 he gives it her and trudges home through the storm4 ,there--it is noble1 it is beautiful2 its grace is marred by no fleck or blemish or suggestion of self-interest4 ,o4,m4 ,what makes you think that8 ,y4,m4 ,pray what else could ,i think8 ,do you imagine that there is some other way of looking at it8 ,o4,m4 ,can you put yourself in the man's place and tell me what he felt and what he thought8 ,y4,m4 ,easily4 ,the sight of that suffering old face pierced his generous heart with a sharp pain4 ,he could not bear it4 ,he could endure the three-mile walk in the storm1 but he could not endure the tortures his conscience would suffer if he turned his back and left that poor old creature to perish4 ,he would not have been able to sleep1 for thinking of it4 ,o4,m4 ,what was his state of mind on his way home8 ,y4,m4 ,it was a state of joy which only the self-sacrificer knows4 ,his heart sang1 he was unconscious of the storm4 ,o4,m4 ,he felt well8 ,y4,m4 ,one cannot doubt it4 ,o4,m4 ,very well4 ,now let us add up the details and see how much he got for his twenty-five cents4 ,let us try to find out the real why of his making the investment4 ,in the first place he couldn't bear the pain which the old suffering face gave him4 ,so he was thinking of his pain--this good man4 ,he must buy a salve for it4 ,if he did not succor the old woman his conscience would torture him all the way home4 ,thinking of his pain again4 ,he must buy relief for that4 ,if he didn't relieve the old woman he would not get any sleep4 ,he must buy some sleep--still thinking of himself1 you see4 ,thus1 to sum up1 he bought himself free of a sharp pain in his heart1 he bought himself free of the tortures of a waiting conscience1 he bought a whole night's sleep--all for twenty-five cents6 ,it should make ,wall ,street ashamed of itself4 ,on his way home his heart was joyful1 and it sang--profit on top of profit6 ,the impulse which moved the man to succor the old woman was--first--to content his own spirit2 secondly to relieve her sufferings4 ,is it your opinion that men's acts proceed from one central and unchanging and inalterable impulse1 or from a variety of impulses8 ,y4,m4 ,from a variety1 of course--some high and fine and noble1 others not4 ,what is your opinion8 ,o4,m4 ,then there is but one law1 one source4 ,y4,m4 ,that both the noblest impulses and the basest proceed from that one source8 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,y4,m4 ,will you put that law into words8 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,this is the law1 keep it in your mind4 ,from his cradle to his grave a man never does a single thing which has any ,,first ,,and ,,foremost object but one--to secure peace of mind1 spiritual comfort1 for ,,himself4 ,y4,m4 ,come6 ,he never does anything for any one else's comfort1 spiritual or physical8 ,o4,m4 ,no4 except on those distinct terms--that it shall first secure his own spiritual comfort4 ,otherwise he will not do it4 ,y4,m4 ,it will be easy to expose the falsity of that proposition4 ,o4,m4 ,for instance8 ,y4,m4 ,take that noble passion1 love of country1 patriotism4 ,a man who loves peace and dreads pain1 leaves his pleasant home and his weeping family and marches out to manfully expose himself to hunger1 cold1 wounds1 and death4 ,is that seeking spiritual comfort8 ,o4,m4 ,he loves peace and dreads pain8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,then perhaps there is something that he loves more than he loves peace--the approval of his neighbors and the public4 ,and perhaps there is something which he dreads more than he dreads pain--the disapproval of his neighbors and the public4 ,if he is sensitive to shame he will go to the field--not because his spirit will be entirely comfortable there1 but because it will be more comfortable there than it would be if he remained at home4 ,he will always do the thing which will bring him the most mental comfort--for that is the sole law of his life4 ,he leaves the weeping family behind2 he is sorry to make them uncomfortable1 but not sorry enough to sacrifice his own comfort to secure theirs4 ,y4,m4 ,do you really believe that mere public opinion could force a timid and peaceful man to-- ,o4,m4 ,go to war8 ,yes--public opinion can force some men to do anything4 ,y4,m4 ,anything8 ,o4,m4 ,yes--anything4 ,y4,m4 ,i don't believe that4 ,can it force a right-principled man to do a wrong thing8 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,y4,m4 ,can it force a kind man to do a cruel thing8 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,y4,m4 ,give an instance4 ,o4,m4 ,alexander ,hamilton was a conspicuously high-principled man4 ,he regarded dueling as wrong1 and as opposed to the teachings of religion--but in deference to public opinion he fought a duel4 ,he deeply loved his family1 but to buy public approval he treacherously deserted them and threw his life away1 ungenerously leaving them to lifelong sorrow in order that he might stand well with a foolish world4 ,in the then condition of the public standards of honor he could not have been comfortable with the stigma upon him of having refused to fight4 ,the teachings of religion1 his devotion to his family1 his kindness of heart1 his high principles1 all went for nothing when they stood in the way of his spiritual comfort4 ,a man will do anything1 no matter what it is1 to secure his spiritual comfort2 and he can neither be forced nor persuaded to any act which has not that goal for its object4 ,hamilton's act was compelled by the inborn necessity of contenting his own spirit2 in this it was like all the other acts of his life1 and like all the acts of all men's lives4 ,do you see where the kernel of the matter lies8 ,a man cannot be comfortable without his own approval4 ,he will secure the largest share possible of that1 at all costs1 all sacrifices4 ,y4,m4 ,a minute ago you said ,hamilton fought that duel to get public approval4 ,o4,m4 ,i did4 ,by refusing to fight the duel he would have secured his family's approval and a large share of his own2 but the public approval was more valuable in his eyes than all other approvals put together--in the earth or above it2 to secure that would furnish him the most comfort of mind1 the most self--approval2 so he sacrificed all other values to get it4 ,y4,m4 ,some noble souls have refused to fight duels1 and have manfully braved the public contempt4 ,o4,m4 ,they acted according to their make4 ,they valued their principles and the approval of their families above the public approval4 ,they took the thing they valued most and let the rest go4 ,they took what would give them the largest share of personal contentment and approval--a man always does4 ,public opinion cannot force that kind of men to go to the wars4 ,when they go it is for other reasons4 ,other spirit-contenting reasons4 ,y4,m4 ,always spirit-contenting reasons8 ,o4,m4 ,there are no others4 ,y4,m4 ,when a man sacrifices his life to save a little child from a burning building1 what do you call that8 ,o4,m4 ,when he does it1 it is the law of his make4 ,he can't bear to see the child in that peril 7a man of a different make could71 and so he tries to save the child1 and loses his life4 ,but he has got what he was after--his own approval4 ,y4,m4 ,what do you call ,love1 ,hate1 ,charity1 ,revenge1 ,humanity1 ,magnanimity1 ,forgiveness8 ,o4,m4 ,different results of the one ,master ,impulse3 the necessity of securing one's self approval4 ,they wear diverse clothes and are subject to diverse moods1 but in whatsoever ways they masquerade they are the same person all the time4 ,to change the figure1 the compulsion that moves a man--and there is but the one--is the necessity of securing the contentment of his own spirit4 ,when it stops1 the man is dead4 ,y4,m4 ,that is foolishness4 ,love-- ,o4,m4 ,why1 love is that impulse1 that law1 in its most uncompromising form4 ,it will squander life and everything else on its object4 ,not primarily for the object's sake1 but for its own4 ,when its object is happy it is happy--and that is what it is unconsciously after4 ,y4,m4 ,you do not even except the lofty and gracious passion of mother-love8 ,o4,m4 ,no1 it is the absolute slave of that law4 ,the mother will go naked to clothe her child2 she will starve that it may have food2 suffer torture to save it from pain2 die that it may live4 ,she takes a living pleasure in making these sacrifices4 ,she does it for that reward--that self-approval1 that contentment1 that peace1 that comfort4 ,she would do it for your child ,,if ,,she ,,could ,,get ,,the ,,same ,,pay4 ,y4,m4 ,this is an infernal philosophy of yours4 ,o4,m4 ,it isn't a philosophy1 it is a fact4 ,y4,m4 ,of course you must admit that there are some acts which-- ,o4,m4 ,no4 ,there is no act1 large or small1 fine or mean1 which springs from any motive but the one--the necessity of appeasing and contenting one's own spirit4 ,y4,m4 ,the world's philanthropists-- ,o4,m4 ,i honor them1 ,i uncover my head to them--from habit and training2 and they could not know comfort or happiness or self-approval if they did not work and spend for the unfortunate4 ,it makes them happy to see others happy2 and so with money and labor they buy what they are after--happiness1 self-approval4 ,why don't miners do the same thing8 ,because they can get a thousandfold more happiness by not doing it4 ,there is no other reason4 ,they follow the law of their make4 ,y4,m4 ,what do you say of duty for duty's sake8 ,o4,m4 ,that it does not exist4 ,duties are not performed for duty's sake1 but because their neglect would make the man uncomfortable4 ,a man performs but one duty--the duty of contenting his spirit1 the duty of making himself agreeable to himself4 ,if he can most satisfyingly perform this sole and only duty by helping his neighbor1 he will do it2 if he can most satisfyingly perform it by swindling his neighbor1 he will do it4 ,but he always looks out for ,number ,one--first2 the effects upon others are a secondary matter4 ,men pretend to self-sacrifices1 but this is a thing which1 in the ordinary value of the phrase1 does not exist and has not existed4 ,a man often honestly thinks he is sacrificing himself merely and solely for some one else1 but he is deceived2 his bottom impulse is to content a requirement of his nature and training1 and thus acquire peace for his soul4 ,y4,m4 ,apparently1 then1 all men1 both good and bad ones1 devote their lives to contenting their consciences4 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,that is a good enough name for it3 ,conscience--that independent ,sovereign1 that insolent absolute ,monarch inside of a man who is the man's ,master4 ,there are all kinds of consciences1 because there are all kinds of men4 ,you satisfy an assassin's conscience in one way1 a philanthropist's in another1 a miser's in another1 a burglar's in still another4 ,as a guide or incentive to any authoritatively prescribed line of morals or conduct 7leaving training out of the account71 a man's conscience is totally valueless4 ,i know a kind-hearted ,kentuckian whose self-approval was lacking--whose conscience was troubling him1 to phrase it with exactness--because he had neglected to kill a certain man--a man whom he had never seen4 ,the stranger had killed this man's friend in a fight1 this man's ,kentucky training made it a duty to kill the stranger for it4 ,he neglected his duty--kept dodging it1 shirking it1 putting it off1 and his unrelenting conscience kept persecuting him for this conduct4 ,at last1 to get ease of mind1 comfort1 self-approval1 he hunted up the stranger and took his life4 ,it was an immense act of self-sacrifice 7as per the usual definition71 for he did not want to do it1 and he never would have done it if he could have bought a contented spirit and an unworried mind at smaller cost4 ,but we are so made that we will pay anything for that contentment--even another man's life4 ,y4,m4 ,you spoke a moment ago of trained consciences4 ,you mean that we are not born with consciences competent to guide us aright8 ,o4,m4 ,if we were1 children and savages would know right from wrong1 and not have to be taught it4 ,y4,m4 ,but consciences can be trained8 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,y4,m4 ,of course by parents1 teachers1 the pulpit1 and books4 ,o4,m4 ,yes--they do their share2 they do what they can4 ,y4,m4 ,and the rest is done by-- ,o4,m4 ,oh1 a million unnoticed influences--for good or bad3 influences which work without rest during every waking moment of a man's life1 from cradle to grave4 ,y4,m4 ,you have tabulated these8 ,o4,m4 ,many of them--yes4 ,y4,m4 ,will you read me the result8 ,o4,m4 ,another time1 yes4 ,it would take an hour4 ,y4,m4 ,a conscience can be trained to shun evil and prefer good8 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,y4,m4 ,but will it for spirit-contenting reasons only8 ,o4,m4 ,it can't be trained to do a thing for any other reason4 ,the thing is impossible4 ,y4,m4 ,there must be a genuinely and utterly self-sacrificing act recorded in human history somewhere4 ,o4,m4 ,you are young4 ,you have many years before you4 ,search one out4 ,y4,m4 ,it does seem to me that when a man sees a fellow-being struggling in the water and jumps in at the risk of his life to save him-- ,o4,m4 ,wait4 ,describe the man4 ,describe the fellow-being4 ,state if there is an audience present2 or if they are alone4 ,y4,m4 ,what have these things to do with the splendid act8 ,o4,m4 ,very much4 ,shall we suppose1 as a beginning1 that the two are alone1 in a solitary place1 at midnight8 ,y4,m4 ,if you choose4 ,o4,m4 ,and that the fellow-being is the man's daughter8 ,y4,m4 ,well1 n-no--make it someone else4 ,o4,m4 ,a filthy1 drunken ruffian1 then8 ,y4,m4 ,i see4 ,circumstances alter cases4 ,i suppose that if there was no audience to observe the act1 the man wouldn't perform it4 ,o4,m4 ,but there is here and there a man who would4 ,people1 for instance1 like the man who lost his life trying to save the child from the fire2 and the man who gave the needy old woman his twenty-five cents and walked home in the storm--there are here and there men like that who would do it4 ,and why8 ,because they couldn't bear to see a fellow-being struggling in the water and not jump in and help4 ,it would give them pain4 ,they would save the fellow-being on that account4 ,they wouldn't do it otherwise4 ,they strictly obey the law which ,i have been insisting upon4 ,you must remember and always distinguish the people who can't bear things from people who can4 ,it will throw light upon a number of apparently 8self-sacrificing0 cases4 ,y4,m4 ,oh1 dear1 it's all so disgusting4 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,and so true4 ,y4,m4 ,come--take the good boy who does things he doesn't want to do1 in order to gratify his mother4 ,o4,m4 ,he does seven-tenths of the act because it gratifies him to gratify his mother4 ,throw the bulk of advantage the other way and the good boy would not do the act4 ,he must obey the iron law4 ,none can escape it4 ,y4,m4 ,well1 take the case of a bad boy who-- ,o4,m4 ,you needn't mention it1 it is a waste of time4 ,it is no matter about the bad boy's act4 ,whatever it was1 he had a spirit-contenting reason for it4 ,otherwise you have been misinformed1 and he didn't do it4 ,y4,m4 ,it is very exasperating4 ,a while ago you said that man's conscience is not a born judge of morals and conduct1 but has to be taught and trained4 ,now ,i think a conscience can get drowsy and lazy1 but ,i don't think it can go wrong2 if you wake it up-- ,a ,little ,story ,o4,m4 ,i will tell you a little story3 ,once upon a time an ,infidel was guest in the house of a ,christian widow whose little boy was ill and near to death4 ,the ,infidel often watched by the bedside and entertained the boy with talk1 and he used these opportunities to satisfy a strong longing in his nature--that desire which is in us all to better other people's condition by having them think as we think4 ,he was successful4 ,but the dying boy1 in his last moments1 reproached him and said3 8,i believed1 and was happy in it2 you have taken my belief away1 and my comfort4 ,now ,i have nothing left1 and ,i die miserable2 for the things which you have told me do not take the place of that which ,i have lost40 ,and the mother1 also1 reproached the ,infidel1 and said3 8,my child is forever lost1 and my heart is broken4 ,how could you do this cruel thing8 ,we have done you no harm1 but only kindness2 we made our house your home1 you were welcome to all we had1 and this is our reward40 ,the heart of the ,infidel was filled with remorse for what he had done1 and he said3 8,it was wrong--,i see it now2 but ,i was only trying to do him good4 ,in my view he was in error2 it seemed my duty to teach him the truth40 ,then the mother said3 8,i had taught him1 all his little life1 what ,i believed to be the truth1 and in his believing faith both of us were happy4 ,now he is dead1--and lost2 and ,i am miserable4 ,our faith came down to us through centuries of believing ancestors2 what right had you1 or any one1 to disturb it8 ,where was your honor1 where was your shame80 ,y4,m4 ,he was a miscreant1 and deserved death6 ,o4,m4 ,he thought so himself1 and said so4 ,y4,m4 ,ah--you see1 his conscience was awakened6 ,o4,m4 ,yes1 his ,self-,disapproval was4 ,it pained him to see the mother suffer4 ,he was sorry he had done a thing which brought him pain4 ,it did not occur to him to think of the mother when he was misteaching the boy1 for he was absorbed in providing pleasure for himself1 then4 ,providing it by satisfying what he believed to be a call of duty4 ,y4,m4 ,call it what you please1 it is to me a case of awakened conscience4 ,that awakened conscience could never get itself into that species of trouble again4 ,a cure like that is a permanent cure4 ,o4,m4 ,pardon--,i had not finished the story4 ,we are creatures of outside influences--we originate nothing within4 ,whenever we take a new line of thought and drift into a new line of belief and action1 the impulse is always suggested from the outside4 ,remorse so preyed upon the ,infidel that it dissolved his harshness toward the boy's religion and made him come to regard it with tolerance1 next with kindness1 for the boy's sake and the mother's4 ,finally he found himself examining it4 ,from that moment his progress in his new trend was steady and rapid4 ,he became a believing ,christian4 ,and now his remorse for having robbed the dying boy of his faith and his salvation was bitterer than ever4 ,it gave him no rest1 no peace4 ,he must have rest and peace--it is the law of nature4 ,there seemed but one way to get it2 he must devote himself to saving imperiled souls4 ,he became a missionary4 ,he landed in a pagan country ill and helpless4 ,a native widow took him into her humble home and nursed him back to convalescence4 ,then her young boy was taken hopelessly ill1 and the grateful missionary helped her tend him4 ,here was his first opportunity to repair a part of the wrong done to the other boy by doing a precious service for this one by undermining his foolish faith in his false gods4 ,he was successful4 ,but the dying boy in his last moments reproached him and said3 8,i believed1 and was happy in it2 you have taken my belief away1 and my comfort4 ,now ,i have nothing left1 and ,i die miserable2 for the things which you have told me do not take the place of that which ,i have lost40 ,and the mother1 also1 reproached the missionary1 and said3 8,my child is forever lost1 and my heart is broken4 ,how could you do this cruel thing8 ,we had done you no harm1 but only kindness2 we made our house your home1 you were welcome to all we had1 and this is our reward40 ,the heart of the missionary was filled with remorse for what he had done1 and he said3 8,it was wrong--,i see it now2 but ,i was only trying to do him good4 ,in my view he was in error2 it seemed my duty to teach him the truth40 ,then the mother said3 8,i had taught him1 all his little life1 what ,i believed to be the truth1 and in his believing faith both of us were happy4 ,now he is dead--and lost2 and ,i am miserable4 ,our faith came down to us through centuries of believing ancestors2 what right had you1 or any one1 to disturb it8 ,where was your honor1 where was your shame80 ,the missionary's anguish of remorse and sense of treachery were as bitter and persecuting and unappeasable1 now1 as they had been in the former case4 ,the story is finished4 ,what is your comment8 ,y4,m4 ,the man's conscience is a fool6 ,it was morbid4 ,it didn't know right from wrong4 ,o4,m4 ,i am not sorry to hear you say that4 ,if you grant that one man's conscience doesn't know right from wrong1 it is an admission that there are others like it4 ,this single admission pulls down the whole doctrine of infallibility of judgment in consciences4 ,meantime there is one thing which ,i ask you to notice4 ,y4,m4 ,what is that8 ,o4,m4 ,that in both cases the man's act gave him no spiritual discomfort1 and that he was quite satisfied with it and got pleasure out of it4 ,but afterward when it resulted in pain to him1 he was sorry4 ,sorry it had inflicted pain upon the others1 but for no reason under the sun except that their pain gave him pain4 ,our consciences take no notice of pain inflicted upon others until it reaches a point where it gives pain to us4 ,in all cases without exception we are absolutely indifferent to another person's pain until his sufferings make us uncomfortable4 ,many an infidel would not have been troubled by that ,christian mother's distress4 ,don't you believe that8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,you might almost say it of the average infidel1 ,i think4 ,o4,m4 ,and many a missionary1 sternly fortified by his sense of duty1 would not have been troubled by the pagan mother's distress--,jesuit missionaries in ,canada in the early ,french times1 for instance2 see episodes quoted by ,parkman4 ,y4,m4 ,well1 let us adjourn4 ,where have we arrived8 ,o4,m4 ,at this4 ,that we 7mankind7 have ticketed ourselves with a number of qualities to which we have given misleading names4 ,love1 ,hate1 ,charity1 ,compassion1 ,avarice1 ,benevolence1 and so on4 ,i mean we attach misleading meanings to the names4 ,they are all forms of self-contentment1 self-gratification1 but the names so disguise them that they distract our attention from the fact4 ,also we have smuggled a word into the dictionary which ought not to be there at all--,self-,sacrifice4 ,it describes a thing which does not exist4 ,but worst of all1 we ignore and never mention the ,sole ,impulse which dictates and compels a man's every act3 the imperious necessity of securing his own approval1 in every emergency and at all costs4 ,to it we owe all that we are4 ,it is our breath1 our heart1 our blood4 ,it is our only spur1 our whip1 our goad1 our only impelling power2 we have no other4 ,without it we should be mere inert images1 corpses2 no one would do anything1 there would be no progress1 the world would stand still4 ,we ought to stand reverently uncovered when the name of that stupendous power is uttered4 ,y4,m4 ,i am not convinced4 ,o4,m4 ,you will be when you think4 ,,iii ,instances in ,point ,old ,man4 ,have you given thought to the ,gospel of ,self--,approval since we talked8 ,young ,man4 ,i have4 ,o4,m4 ,it was ,i that moved you to it4 ,that is to say an outside influence moved you to it--not one that originated in your head4 ,will you try to keep that in mind and not forget it8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,why8 ,o4,m4 ,because by and by in one of our talks1 ,i wish to further impress upon you that neither you1 nor ,i1 nor any man ever originates a thought in his own head4 ,the utterer of a thought always utters a second-hand one4 ,y4,m4 ,oh1 now-- ,o4,m4 ,wait4 ,reserve your remark till we get to that part of our discussion--tomorrow or next day1 say4 ,now1 then1 have you been considering the proposition that no act is ever born of any but a self-contenting impulse--7primarily74 ,you have sought4 ,what have you found8 ,y4,m4 ,i have not been very fortunate4 ,i have examined many fine and apparently self-sacrificing deeds in romances and biographies1 but-- ,o4,m4 ,under searching analysis the ostensible self-sacrifice disappeared8 ,it naturally would4 ,y4,m4 ,but here in this novel is one which seems to promise4 ,in the ,adirondack woods is a wage-earner and lay preacher in the lumber-camps who is of noble character and deeply religious4 ,an earnest and practical laborer in the ,new ,york slums comes up there on vacation--he is leader of a section of the ,university ,settlement4 ,holme1 the lumberman1 is fired with a desire to throw away his excellent worldly prospects and go down and save souls on the ,east ,side4 ,he counts it happiness to make this sacrifice for the glory of ,god and for the cause of ,christ4 ,he resigns his place1 makes the sacrifice cheerfully1 and goes to the ,east ,side and preaches ,christ and ,him crucified every day and every night to little groups of half-civilized foreign paupers who scoff at him4 ,but he rejoices in the scoffings1 since he is suffering them in the great cause of ,christ4 ,you have so filled my mind with suspicions that ,i was constantly expecting to find a hidden questionable impulse back of all this1 but ,i am thankful to say ,i have failed4 ,this man saw his duty1 and for duty's sake he sacrificed self and assumed the burden it imposed4 ,o4,m4 ,is that as far as you have read8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,let us read further1 presently4 ,meantime1 in sacrificing himself--not for the glory of ,god1 primarily1 as he imagined1 but first to content that exacting and inflexible master within him--did he sacrifice anybody else8 ,y4,m4 ,how do you mean8 ,o4,m4 ,he relinquished a lucrative post and got mere food and lodging in place of it4 ,had he dependents8 ,y4,m4 ,well--yes4 ,o4,m4 ,in what way and to what extend did his self-sacrifice affect them8 ,y4,m4 ,he was the support of a superannuated father4 ,he had a young sister with a remarkable voice--he was giving her a musical education1 so that her longing to be self-supporting might be gratified4 ,he was furnishing the money to put a young brother through a polytechnic school and satisfy his desire to become a civil engineer4 ,o4,m4 ,the old father's comforts were now curtailed8 ,y4,m4 ,quite seriously4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,the sister's music-lessens had to stop8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,the young brother's education--well1 an extinguishing blight fell upon that happy dream1 and he had to go to sawing wood to support the old father1 or something like that8 ,y4,m4 ,it is about what happened4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,what a handsome job of self-sacrificing he did do6 ,it seems to me that he sacrificed everybody except himself4 ,haven't ,i told you that no man ever sacrifices himself2 that there is no instance of it upon record anywhere2 and that when a man's ,interior ,monarch requires a thing of its slave for either its momentary or its permanent contentment1 that thing must and will be furnished and that command obeyed1 no matter who may stand in the way and suffer disaster by it8 ,that man ruined his family to please and content his ,interior ,monarch-- ,y4,m4 ,and help ,christ's cause4 ,o4,m4 ,yes--secondly4 ,not firstly4 ,he thought it was firstly4 ,y4,m4 ,very well1 have it so1 if you will4 ,but it could be that he argued that if he saved a hundred souls in ,new ,york-- ,o4,m4 ,the sacrifice of the family would be justified by that great profit upon the--the--what shall we call it8 ,y4,m4 ,investment8 ,o4,m4 ,hardly4 ,how would speculation do8 ,how would gamble do8 ,not a solitary soul-capture was sure4 ,he played for a possible thirty-three-hundred-per-cent profit4 ,it was gambling--with his family for 8chips40 ,however let us see how the game came out4 ,maybe we can get on the track of the secret original impulse1 the real impulse1 that moved him to so nobly self--sacrifice his family in the ,savior's cause under the superstition that he was sacrificing himself4 ,i will read a chapter or so4444 ,here we have it6 ,it was bound to expose itself sooner or later4 ,he preached to the ,east-,side rabble a season1 then went back to his old dull1 obscure life in the lumber-camps 8hurt to the heart1 his pride humbled40 ,why8 ,were not his efforts acceptable to the ,savior1 for ,whom alone they were made8 ,dear me1 that detail is lost sight of1 is not even referred to1 the fact that it started out as a motive is entirely forgotten6 ,then what is the trouble8 ,the authoress quite innocently and unconsciously gives the whole business away4 ,the trouble was this3 this man merely preached to the poor2 that is not the ,university ,settlement's way2 it deals in larger and better things than that1 and it did not enthuse over that crude ,salvation-,army eloquence4 ,it was courteous to ,holme--but cool4 ,it did not pet him1 did not take him to its bosom4 8,perished were all his dreams of distinction1 the praise and grateful approval--0 ,of whom8 ,the ,savior8 ,no2 the ,savior is not mentioned4 ,of whom1 then8 ,of 8his fellow-workers40 ,why did he want that8 ,because the ,master inside of him wanted it1 and would not be content without it4 ,that emphasized sentence quoted above1 reveals the secret we have been seeking1 the original impulse1 the real impulse1 which moved the obscure and unappreciated ,adirondack lumberman to sacrifice his family and go on that crusade to the ,east ,side--which said original impulse was this1 to wit3 without knowing it he went there to show a neglected world the large talent that was in him1 and rise to distinction4 ,as ,i have warned you before1 no act springs from any but the one law1 the one motive4 ,but ,i pray you1 do not accept this law upon my say-so2 but diligently examine for yourself4 ,whenever you read of a self-sacrificing act or hear of one1 or of a duty done for duty's sake1 take it to pieces and look for the real motive4 ,it is always there4 ,y4,m4 ,i do it every day4 ,i cannot help it1 now that ,i have gotten started upon the degrading and exasperating quest4 ,for it is hatefully interesting6--in fact1 fascinating is the word4 ,as soon as ,i come across a golden deed in a book ,i have to stop and take it apart and examine it1 ,i cannot help myself4 ,o4,m4 ,have you ever found one that defeated the rule8 ,y4,m4 ,no--at least1 not yet4 ,but take the case of servant--tipping in ,europe4 ,you pay the hotel for service2 you owe the servants nothing1 yet you pay them besides4 ,doesn't that defeat it8 ,o4,m4 ,in what way8 ,y4,m4 ,you are not obliged to do it1 therefore its source is compassion for their ill-paid condition1 and-- ,o4,m4 ,has that custom ever vexed you1 annoyed you1 irritated you8 ,y4,m4 ,well1 yes4 ,o4,m4 ,still you succumbed to it8 ,y4,m4 ,of course4 ,o4,m4 ,why of course8 ,y4,m4 ,well1 custom is law1 in a way1 and laws must be submitted to--everybody recognizes it as a duty4 ,o4,m4 ,then you pay for the irritating tax for duty's sake8 ,y4,m4 ,i suppose it amounts to that4 ,o4,m4 ,then the impulse which moves you to submit to the tax is not all compassion1 charity1 benevolence8 ,y4,m4 ,well--perhaps not4 ,o4,m4 ,is any of it8 ,y4,m4 ,i--perhaps ,i was too hasty in locating its source4 ,o4,m4 ,perhaps so4 ,in case you ignored the custom would you get prompt and effective service from the servants8 ,y4,m4 ,oh1 hear yourself talk6 ,those ,european servants8 ,why1 you wouldn't get any at all1 to speak of4 ,o4,m4 ,couldn't that work as an impulse to move you to pay the tax8 ,y4,m4 ,i am not denying it4 ,o4,m4 ,apparently1 then1 it is a case of for-duty's-sake with a little self-interest added8 ,y4,m4 ,yes1 it has the look of it4 ,but here is a point3 we pay that tax knowing it to be unjust and an extortion2 yet we go away with a pain at the heart if we think we have been stingy with the poor fellows2 and we heartily wish we were back again1 so that we could do the right thing1 and more than the right thing1 the generous thing4 ,i think it will be difficult for you to find any thought of self in that impulse4 ,o4,m4 ,i wonder why you should think so4 ,when you find service charged in the hotel bill does it annoy you8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,o4,m4 ,do you ever complain of the amount of it8 ,y4,m4 ,no1 it would not occur to me4 ,o4,m4 ,the expense1 then1 is not the annoying detail4 ,it is a fixed charge1 and you pay it cheerfully1 you pay it without a murmur4 ,when you came to pay the servants1 how would you like it if each of the men and maids had a fixed charge8 ,y4,m4 ,like it8 ,i should rejoice6 ,o4,m4 ,even if the fixed tax were a shade more than you had been in the habit of paying in the form of tips8 ,y4,m4 ,indeed1 yes6 ,o4,m4 ,very well1 then4 ,as ,i understand it1 it isn't really compassion nor yet duty that moves you to pay the tax1 and it isn't the amount of the tax that annoys you4 ,yet something annoys you4 ,what is it8 ,y4,m4 ,well1 the trouble is1 you never know what to pay1 the tax varies so1 all over ,europe4 ,o4,m4 ,so you have to guess8 ,y4,m4 ,there is no other way4 ,so you go on thinking and thinking1 and calculating and guessing1 and consulting with other people and getting their views2 and it spoils your sleep nights1 and makes you distraught in the daytime1 and while you are pretending to look at the sights you are only guessing and guessing and guessing all the time1 and being worried and miserable4 ,o4,m4 ,and all about a debt which you don't owe and don't have to pay unless you want to6 ,strange4 ,what is the purpose of the guessing8 ,y4,m4 ,to guess out what is right to give them1 and not be unfair to any of them4 ,o4,m4 ,it has quite a noble look--taking so much pains and using up so much valuable time in order to be just and fair to a poor servant to whom you owe nothing1 but who needs money and is ill paid4 ,y4,m4 ,i think1 myself1 that if there is any ungracious motive back of it it will be hard to find4 ,o4,m4 ,how do you know when you have not paid a servant fairly8 ,y4,m4 ,why1 he is silent2 does not thank you4 ,sometimes he gives you a look that makes you ashamed4 ,you are too proud to rectify your mistake there1 with people looking1 but afterward you keep on wishing and wishing you had done it4 ,my1 the shame and the pain of it6 ,sometimes you see1 by the signs1 that you have it just right1 and you go away mightily satisfied4 ,sometimes the man is so effusively thankful that you know you have given him a good deal more than was necessary4 ,o4,m4 ,necessary8 ,necessary for what8 ,y4,m4 ,to content him4 ,o4,m4 ,how do you feel then8 ,y4,m4 ,repentant4 ,o4,m4 ,it is my belief that you have not been concerning yourself in guessing out his just dues1 but only in ciphering out what would content him4 ,and ,i think you have a self-deluding reason for that4 ,y4,m4 ,what was it8 ,o4,m4 ,if you fell short of what he was expecting and wanting1 you would get a look which would shame you before folk4 ,that would give you pain4 ,you--for you are only working for yourself1 not him4 ,if you gave him too much you would be ashamed of yourself for it1 and that would give you pain--another case of thinking of yourself1 protecting yourself1 saving yourself from discomfort4 ,you never think of the servant once--except to guess out how to get his approval4 ,if you get that1 you get your own approval1 and that is the sole and only thing you are after4 ,the ,master inside of you is then satisfied1 contented1 comfortable2 there was no other thing at stake1 as a matter of first interest1 anywhere in the transaction4 ,further ,instances ,y4,m4 ,well1 to think of it2 ,self-,sacrifice for others1 the grandest thing in man1 ruled out6 non-existent6 ,o4,m4 ,are you accusing me of saying that8 ,y4,m4 ,why1 certainly4 ,o4,m4 ,i haven't said it4 ,y4,m4 ,what did you say1 then8 ,o4,m4 ,that no man has ever sacrificed himself in the common meaning of that phrase--which is1 self-sacrifice for another alone4 ,men make daily sacrifices for others1 but it is for their own sake first4 ,the act must content their own spirit first4 ,the other beneficiaries come second4 ,y4,m4 ,and the same with duty for duty's sake8 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,no man performs a duty for mere duty's sake2 the act must content his spirit first4 ,he must feel better for doing the duty than he would for shirking it4 ,otherwise he will not do it4 ,y4,m4 ,take the case of the ,berkeley ,castle4 ,o4,m4 ,it was a noble duty1 greatly performed4 ,take it to pieces and examine it1 if you like4 ,y4,m4 ,a ,british troop-ship crowded with soldiers and their wives and children4 ,she struck a rock and began to sink4 ,there was room in the boats for the women and children only4 ,the colonel lined up his regiment on the deck and said 8it is our duty to die1 that they may be saved40 ,there was no murmur1 no protest4 ,the boats carried away the women and children4 ,when the death-moment was come1 the colonel and his officers took their several posts1 the men stood at shoulder-arms1 and so1 as on dress-parade1 with their flag flying and the drums beating1 they went down1 a sacrifice to duty for duty's sake4 ,can you view it as other than that8 ,o4,m4 ,it was something as fine as that1 as exalted as that4 ,could you have remained in those ranks and gone down to your death in that unflinching way8 ,y4,m4 ,could ,i8 ,no1 ,i could not4 ,o4,m4 ,think4 ,imagine yourself there1 with that watery doom creeping higher and higher around you4 ,y4,m4 ,i can imagine it4 ,i feel all the horror of it4 ,i could not have endured it1 ,i could not have remained in my place4 ,i know it4 ,o4,m4 ,why8 ,y4,m4 ,there is no why about it3 ,i know myself1 and ,i know ,i couldn't do it4 ,o4,m4 ,but it would be your duty to do it4 ,y4,m4 ,yes1 ,i know--but ,i couldn't4 ,o4,m4 ,it was more than thousand men1 yet not one of them flinched4 ,some of them must have been born with your temperament2 if they could do that great duty for duty's sake1 why not you8 ,don't you know that you could go out and gather together a thousand clerks and mechanics and put them on that deck and ask them to die for duty's sake1 and not two dozen of them would stay in the ranks to the end8 ,y4,m4 ,yes1 ,i know that4 ,o4,m4 ,but you train them1 and put them through a campaign or two2 then they would be soldiers2 soldiers1 with a soldier's pride1 a soldier's self-respect1 a soldier's ideals4 ,they would have to content a soldier's spirit then1 not a clerk's1 not a mechanic's4 ,they could not content that spirit by shirking a soldier's duty1 could they8 ,y4,m4 ,i suppose not4 ,o4,m4 ,then they would do the duty not for the duty's sake1 but for their own sake--primarily4 ,the duty was just the same1 and just as imperative1 when they were clerks1 mechanics1 raw recruits1 but they wouldn't perform it for that4 ,as clerks and mechanics they had other ideals1 another spirit to satisfy1 and they satisfied it4 ,they had to2 it is the law4 ,training is potent4 ,training toward higher and higher1 and ever higher ideals is worth any man's thought and labor and diligence4 ,y4,m4 ,consider the man who stands by his duty and goes to the stake rather than be recreant to it4 ,o4,m4 ,it is his make and his training4 ,he has to content the spirit that is in him1 though it cost him his life4 ,another man1 just as sincerely religious1 but of different temperament1 will fail of that duty1 though recognizing it as a duty1 and grieving to be unequal to it3 but he must content the spirit that is in him--he cannot help it4 ,he could not perform that duty for duty's sake1 for that would not content his spirit1 and the contenting of his spirit must be looked to first4 ,it takes precedence of all other duties4 ,y4,m4 ,take the case of a clergyman of stainless private morals who votes for a thief for public office1 on his own party's ticket1 and against an honest man on the other ticket4 ,o4,m4 ,he has to content his spirit4 ,he has no public morals2 he has no private ones1 where his party's prosperity is at stake4 ,he will always be true to his make and training4 ,,iv ,training ,young ,man4 ,you keep using that word--training4 ,by it do you particularly mean-- ,old ,man4 ,study1 instruction1 lectures1 sermons8 ,that is a part of it--but not a large part4 ,i mean all the outside influences4 ,there are a million of them4 ,from the cradle to the grave1 during all his waking hours1 the human being is under training4 ,in the very first rank of his trainers stands association4 ,it is his human environment which influences his mind and his feelings1 furnishes him his ideals1 and sets him on his road and keeps him in it4 ,if he leaves that road he will find himself shunned by the people whom he most loves and esteems1 and whose approval he most values4 ,he is a chameleon2 by the law of his nature he takes the color of his place of resort4 ,the influences about him create his preferences1 his aversions1 his politics1 his tastes1 his morals1 his religion4 ,he creates none of these things for himself4 ,he thinks he does1 but that is because he has not examined into the matter4 ,you have seen ,presbyterians8 ,y4,m4 ,many4 ,o4,m4 ,how did they happen to be ,presbyterians and not ,congregationalists8 ,and why were the ,congregationalists not ,baptists1 and the ,baptists ,roman ,catholics1 and the ,roman ,catholics ,buddhists1 and the ,buddhists ,quakers1 and the ,quakers ,episcopalians1 and the ,episcopalians ,millerites and the ,millerites ,hindus1 and the ,hindus ,atheists1 and the ,atheists ,spiritualists1 and the ,spiritualists ,agnostics1 and the ,agnostics ,methodists1 and the ,methodists ,confucians1 and the ,confucians ,unitarians1 and the ,unitarians ,mohammedans1 and the ,mohammedans ,salvation ,warriors1 and the ,salvation ,warriors ,zoroastrians1 and the ,zoroastrians ,christian ,scientists1 and the ,christian ,scientists ,mormons--and so on8 ,y4,m4 ,you may answer your question yourself4 ,o4,m4 ,that list of sects is not a record of studies1 searchings1 seekings after light2 it mainly 7and sarcastically7 indicates what association can do4 ,if you know a man's nationality you can come within a split hair of guessing the complexion of his religion3 ,english--,protestant2 ,american--ditto2 ,spaniard1 ,frenchman1 ,irishman1 ,italian1 ,south ,american--,roman ,catholic2 ,russian--,greek ,catholic2 ,turk--,mohammedan2 and so on4 ,and when you know the man's religious complexion1 you know what sort of religious books he reads when he wants some more light1 and what sort of books he avoids1 lest by accident he get more light than he wants4 ,in ,america if you know which party-collar a voter wears1 you know what his associations are1 and how he came by his politics1 and which breed of newspaper he reads to get light1 and which breed he diligently avoids1 and which breed of mass-meetings he attends in order to broaden his political knowledge1 and which breed of mass-meetings he doesn't attend1 except to refute its doctrines with brickbats4 ,we are always hearing of people who are around seeking after truth4 ,i have never seen a 7permanent7 specimen4 ,i think he had never lived4 ,but ,i have seen several entirely sincere people who thought they were 7permanent7 ,seekers after ,truth4 ,they sought diligently1 persistently1 carefully1 cautiously1 profoundly1 with perfect honesty and nicely adjusted judgment--until they believed that without doubt or question they had found the ,truth4 ,that was the end of the search4 ,the man spent the rest of his life hunting up shingles wherewith to protect his ,truth from the weather4 ,if he was seeking after political ,truth he found it in one or another of the hundred political gospels which govern men in the earth2 if he was seeking after the ,only ,true ,religion he found it in one or another of the three thousand that are on the market4 ,in any case1 when he found the ,truth he sought no further2 but from that day forth1 with his soldering-iron in one hand and his bludgeon in the other he tinkered its leaks and reasoned with objectors4 ,there have been innumerable ,temporary ,seekers of ,truth--have you ever heard of a permanent one8 ,in the very nature of man such a person is impossible4 ,however1 to drop back to the text--training3 all training is one form or another of outside influence1 and association is the largest part of it4 ,a man is never anything but what his outside influences have made him4 ,they train him downward or they train him upward--but they train him2 they are at work upon him all the time4 ,y4,m4 ,then if he happen by the accidents of life to be evilly placed there is no help for him1 according to your notions--he must train downward4 ,o4,m4 ,no help for him8 ,no help for this chameleon8 ,it is a mistake4 ,it is in his chameleonship that his greatest good fortune lies4 ,he has only to change his habitat--his associations4 ,but the impulse to do it must come from the outside --he cannot originate it himself1 with that purpose in view4 ,sometimes a very small and accidental thing can furnish him the initiatory impulse and start him on a new road1 with a new idea4 ,the chance remark of a sweetheart1 8,i hear that you are a coward10 may water a seed that shall sprout and bloom and flourish1 and ended in producing a surprising fruitage--in the fields of war4 ,the history of man is full of such accidents4 ,the accident of a broken leg brought a profane and ribald soldier under religious influences and furnished him a new ideal4 ,from that accident sprang the ,order of the ,jesuits1 and it has been shaking thrones1 changing policies1 and doing other tremendous work for two hundred years--and will go on4 ,the chance reading of a book or of a paragraph in a newspaper can start a man on a new track and make him renounce his old associations and seek new ones that are in sympathy with his new ideal3 and the result1 for that man1 can be an entire change of his way of life4 ,y4,m4 ,are you hinting at a scheme of procedure8 ,o4,m4 ,not a new one--an old one4 ,old as mankind4 ,y4,m4 ,what is it8 ,o4,m4 ,merely the laying of traps for people4 ,traps baited with initiatory impulses toward high ideals4 ,it is what the tract-distributor does4 ,it is what the missionary does4 ,it is what governments ought to do4 ,y4,m4 ,don't they8 ,o4,m4 ,in one way they do1 in another they don't4 ,they separate the smallpox patients from the healthy people1 but in dealing with crime they put the healthy into the pest-house along with the sick4 ,that is to say1 they put the beginners in with the confirmed criminals4 ,this would be well if man were naturally inclined to good1 but he isn't1 and so association makes the beginners worse than they were when they went into captivity4 ,it is putting a very severe punishment upon the comparatively innocent at times4 ,they hang a man--which is a trifling punishment2 this breaks the hearts of his family--which is a heavy one4 ,they comfortably jail and feed a wife-beater1 and leave his innocent wife and family to starve4 ,y4,m4 ,do you believe in the doctrine that man is equipped with an intuitive perception of good and evil8 ,o4,m4 ,adam hadn't it4 ,y4,m4 ,but has man acquired it since8 ,o4,m4 ,no4 ,i think he has no intuitions of any kind4 ,he gets all his ideas1 all his impressions1 from the outside4 ,i keep repeating this1 in the hope that ,i may impress it upon you that you will be interested to observe and examine for yourself and see whether it is true or false4 ,y4,m4 ,where did you get your own aggravating notions8 ,o4,m4 ,from the outside4 ,i did not invent them4 ,they are gathered from a thousand unknown sources4 ,mainly unconsciously gathered4 ,y4,m4 ,don't you believe that ,god could make an inherently honest man8 ,o4,m4 ,yes1 ,i know ,he could4 ,i also know that ,he never did make one4 ,y4,m4 ,a wiser observer than you has recorded the fact that 8an honest man's the noblest work of ,god40 ,o4,m4 ,he didn't record a fact1 he recorded a falsity4 ,it is windy1 and sounds well1 but it is not true4 ,god makes a man with honest and dishonest possibilities in him and stops there4 ,the man's associations develop the possibilities--the one set or the other4 ,the result is accordingly an honest man or a dishonest one4 ,y4,m4 ,and the honest one is not entitled to-- ,o4,m4 ,praise8 ,no4 ,how often must ,i tell you that8 ,he is not the architect of his honesty4 ,y4,m4 ,now then1 ,i will ask you where there is any sense in training people to lead virtuous lives4 ,what is gained by it8 ,o4,m4 ,the man himself gets large advantages out of it1 and that is the main thing--to him4 ,he is not a peril to his neighbors1 he is not a damage to them--and so they get an advantage out of his virtues4 ,that is the main thing to them4 ,it can make this life comparatively comfortable to the parties concerned2 the neglect of this training can make this life a constant peril and distress to the parties concerned4 ,y4,m4 ,you have said that training is everything2 that training is the man himself1 for it makes him what he is4 ,o4,m4 ,i said training and another thing4 ,let that other thing pass1 for the moment4 ,what were you going to say8 ,y4,m4 ,we have an old servant4 ,she has been with us twenty--two years4 ,her service used to be faultless1 but now she has become very forgetful4 ,we are all fond of her2 we all recognize that she cannot help the infirmity which age has brought her2 the rest of the family do not scold her for her remissnesses1 but at times ,i do--,i can't seem to control myself4 ,don't ,i try8 ,i do try4 ,now1 then1 when ,i was ready to dress1 this morning1 no clean clothes had been put out4 ,i lost my temper2 ,i lose it easiest and quickest in the early morning4 ,i rang2 and immediately began to warn myself not to show temper1 and to be careful and speak gently4 ,i safe-guarded myself most carefully4 ,i even chose the very word ,i would use3 8,you've forgotten the clean clothes1 ,jane40 ,when she appeared in the door ,i opened my mouth to say that phrase--and out of it1 moved by an instant surge of passion which ,i was not expecting and hadn't time to put under control1 came the hot rebuke1 8,you've forgotten them again60 ,you say a man always does the thing which will best please his ,interior ,master4 ,whence came the impulse to make careful preparation to save the girl the humiliation of a rebuke8 ,did that come from the ,master1 who is always primarily concerned about himself8 ,o4,m4 ,unquestionably4 ,there is no other source for any impulse4 ,secondarily you made preparation to save the girl1 but primarily its object was to save yourself1 by contenting the ,master4 ,y4,m4 ,how do you mean8 ,o4,m4 ,has any member of the family ever implored you to watch your temper and not fly out at the girl8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,my mother4 ,o4,m4 ,you love her8 ,y4,m4 ,oh1 more than that6 ,o4,m4 ,you would always do anything in your power to please her8 ,y4,m4 ,it is a delight to me to do anything to please her6 ,o4,m4 ,why8 ,you would do it for pay1 solely --for profit4 ,what profit would you expect and certainly receive from the investment8 ,y4,m4 ,personally8 ,none4 ,to please her is enough4 ,o4,m4 ,it appears1 then1 that your object1 primarily1 wasn't to save the girl a humiliation1 but to please your mother4 ,it also appears that to please your mother gives you a strong pleasure4 ,is not that the profit which you get out of the investment8 ,isn't that the real profits and first profit8 ,y4,m4 ,oh1 well8 ,go on4 ,o4,m4 ,in all transactions1 the ,interior ,master looks to it that you get the first profit4 ,otherwise there is no transaction4 ,y4,m4 ,well1 then1 if ,i was so anxious to get that profit and so intent upon it1 why did ,i throw it away by losing my temper8 ,o4,m4 ,in order to get another profit which suddenly superseded it in value4 ,y4,m4 ,where was it8 ,o4,m4 ,ambushed behind your born temperament1 and waiting for a chance4 ,your native warm temper suddenly jumped to the front1 and for the moment its influence was more powerful than your mother's1 and abolished it4 ,in that instance you were eager to flash out a hot rebuke and enjoy it4 ,you did enjoy it1 didn't you8 ,y4,m4 ,for--for a quarter of a second4 ,yes--,i did4 ,o4,m4 ,very well1 it is as ,i have said3 the thing which will give you the most pleasure1 the most satisfaction1 in any moment or fraction of a moment1 is the thing you will always do4 ,you must content the ,master's latest whim1 whatever it may be4 ,y4,m4 ,but when the tears came into the old servant's eyes ,i could have cut my hand off for what ,i had done4 ,o4,m4 ,right4 ,you had humiliated yourself1 you see1 you had given yourself pain4 ,nothing is of first importance to a man except results which damage him or profit him--all the rest is secondary4 ,your ,master was displeased with you1 although you had obeyed him4 ,he required a prompt repentance2 you obeyed again2 you had to--there is never any escape from his commands4 ,he is a hard master and fickle2 he changes his mind in the fraction of a second1 but you must be ready to obey1 and you will obey1 always4 ,if he requires repentance1 you content him1 you will always furnish it4 ,he must be nursed1 petted1 coddled1 and kept contented1 let the terms be what they may4 ,y4,m4 ,training6 ,oh1 what's the use of it8 ,didn't ,i1 and didn't my mother try to train me up to where ,i would no longer fly out at that girl8 ,o4,m4 ,have you never managed to keep back a scolding8 ,y4,m4 ,oh1 certainly--many times4 ,o4,m4 ,more times this year than last8 ,y4,m4 ,yes1 a good many more4 ,o4,m4 ,more times last year than the year before8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,there is a large improvement1 then1 in the two years8 ,y4,m4 ,yes1 undoubtedly4 ,o4,m4 ,then your question is answered4 ,you see there is use in training4 ,keep on4 ,keeping faithfully on4 ,you are doing well4 ,y4,m4 ,will my reform reach perfection8 ,o4,m4 ,it will4 ,up to your limit4 ,y4,m4 ,my limit8 ,what do you mean by that8 ,o4,m4 ,you remember that you said that ,i said training was everything4 ,i corrected you1 and said 8training and another thing40 ,that other thing is temperament --that is1 the disposition you were born with4 ,you can't eradicate your disposition nor any rag of it --you can only put a pressure on it and keep it down and quiet4 ,you have a warm temper8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,you will never get rid of it2 but by watching it you can keep it down nearly all the time4 ,its presence is your limit4 ,your reform will never quite reach perfection1 for your temper will beat you now and then1 but you come near enough4 ,you have made valuable progress and can make more4 ,there is use in training4 ,immense use4 ,presently you will reach a new stage of development1 then your progress will be easier2 will proceed on a simpler basis1 anyway4 ,y4,m4 ,explain4 ,o4,m4 ,you keep back your scoldings now1 to please yourself by pleasing your mother2 presently the mere triumphing over your temper will delight your vanity and confer a more delicious pleasure and satisfaction upon you than even the approbation of your mother confers upon you now4 ,you will then labor for yourself directly and at first hand1 not by the roundabout way through your mother4 ,it simplifies the matter1 and it also strengthens the impulse4 ,y4,m4 ,ah1 dear6 ,but ,i sha'n't ever reach the point where ,i will spare the girl for her sake primarily1 not mine8 ,o4,m4 ,why--yes4 ,in heaven4 ,y4,m4 7,after a reflective pause7 ,temperament4 ,well1 ,i see one must allow for temperament4 ,it is a large factor1 sure enough4 ,my mother is thoughtful1 and not hot-tempered4 ,when ,i was dressed ,i went to her room2 she was not there2 ,i called1 she answered from the bathroom4 ,i heard the water running4 ,i inquired4 ,she answered1 without temper1 that ,jane had forgotten her bath1 and she was preparing it herself4 ,i offered to ring1 but she said1 8,no1 don't do that2 it would only distress her to be confronted with her lapse1 and would be a rebuke2 she doesn't deserve that--she is not to blame for the tricks her memory serves her40 ,i say--has my mother an ,interior ,master8--and where was he8 ,o4,m4 ,he was there4 ,there1 and looking out for his own peace and pleasure and contentment4 ,the girl's distress would have pained your mother4 ,otherwise the girl would have been rung up1 distress and all4 ,i know women who would have gotten a ,no4 #a pleasure out of ringing ,jane up--and so they would infallibly have pushed the button and obeyed the law of their make and training1 which are the servants of their ,interior ,masters4 ,it is quite likely that a part of your mother's forbearance came from training4 ,the good kind of training--whose best and highest function is to see to it that every time it confers a satisfaction upon its pupil a benefit shall fall at second hand upon others4 ,y4,m4 ,if you were going to condense into an admonition your plan for the general betterment of the race's condition1 how would you word it8 ,admonition ,o4,m4 ,diligently train your ideals upward and still upward toward a summit where you will find your chiefest pleasure in conduct which1 while contenting you1 will be sure to confer benefits upon your neighbor and the community4 ,y4,m4 ,is that a new gospel8 ,o4,m4 ,no4 ,y4,m4 ,it has been taught before8 ,o4,m4 ,for ten thousand years4 ,y4,m4 ,by whom8 ,o4,m4 ,all the great religions--all the great gospels4 ,y4,m4 ,then there is nothing new about it8 ,o4,m4 ,oh yes1 there is4 ,it is candidly stated1 this time4 ,that has not been done before4 ,y4,m4 ,how do you mean8 ,o4,m4 ,haven't ,i put you first1 and your neighbor and the community afterward8 ,y4,m4 ,well1 yes1 that is a difference1 it is true4 ,o4,m4 ,the difference between straight speaking and crooked2 the difference between frankness and shuffling4 ,y4,m4 ,explain4 ,o4,m4 ,the others offer you a hundred bribes to be good1 thus conceding that the ,master inside of you must be conciliated and contented first1 and that you will do nothing at first hand but for his sake2 then they turn square around and require you to do good for other's sake chiefly2 and to do your duty for duty's sake1 chiefly2 and to do acts of self-sacrifice4 ,thus at the outset we all stand upon the same ground--recognition of the supreme and absolute ,monarch that resides in man1 and we all grovel before him and appeal to him2 then those others dodge and shuffle1 and face around and unfrankly and inconsistently and illogically change the form of their appeal and direct its persuasions to man's second-place powers and to powers which have no existence in him1 thus advancing them to first place2 whereas in my ,admonition ,i stick logically and consistently to the original position3 ,i place the ,interior ,master's requirements first1 and keep them there4 ,y4,m4 ,if we grant1 for the sake of argument1 that your scheme and the other schemes aim at and produce the same result--right living--has yours an advantage over the others8 ,o4,m4 ,one1 yes--a large one4 ,it has no concealments1 no deceptions4 ,when a man leads a right and valuable life under it he is not deceived as to the real chief motive which impels him to it--in those other cases he is4 ,y4,m4 ,is that an advantage8 ,is it an advantage to live a lofty life for a mean reason8 ,in the other cases he lives the lofty life under the impression that he is living for a lofty reason4 ,is not that an advantage8 ,o4,m4 ,perhaps so4 ,the same advantage he might get out of thinking himself a duke1 and living a duke's life and parading in ducal fuss and feathers1 when he wasn't a duke at all1 and could find it out if he would only examine the herald's records4 ,y4,m4 ,but anyway1 he is obliged to do a duke's part2 he puts his hand in his pocket and does his benevolences on as big a scale as he can stand1 and that benefits the community4 ,o4,m4 ,he could do that without being a duke4 ,y4,m4 ,but would he8 ,o4,m4 ,don't you see where you are arriving8 ,y4,m4 ,where8 ,o4,m4 ,at the standpoint of the other schemes3 ,that it is good morals to let an ignorant duke do showy benevolences for his pride's sake1 a pretty low motive1 and go on doing them unwarned1 lest if he were made acquainted with the actual motive which prompted them he might shut up his purse and cease to be good8 ,y4,m4 ,but isn't it best to leave him in ignorance1 as long as he thinks he is doing good for others' sake8 ,o4,m4 ,perhaps so4 ,it is the position of the other schemes4 ,they think humbug is good enough morals when the dividend on it is good deeds and handsome conduct4 ,y4,m4 ,it is my opinion that under your scheme of a man's doing a good deed for his own sake first-off1 instead of first for the good deed's sake1 no man would ever do one4 ,o4,m4 ,have you committed a benevolence lately8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,this morning4 ,o4,m4 ,give the particulars4 ,y4,m4 ,the cabin of the old negro woman who used to nurse me when ,i was a child and who saved my life once at the risk of her own1 was burned last night1 and she came mourning this morning1 and pleading for money to build another one4 ,o4,m4 ,you furnished it8 ,y4,m4 ,certainly4 ,o4,m4 ,you were glad you had the money8 ,y4,m4 ,money8 ,i hadn't4 ,i sold my horse4 ,o4,m4 ,you were glad you had the horse8 ,y4,m4 ,of course ,i was2 for if ,i hadn't had the horse ,i should have been incapable1 and my mother would have captured the chance to set old ,sally up4 ,o4,m4 ,you were cordially glad you were not caught out and incapable8 ,y4,m4 ,oh1 ,i just was6 ,o4,m4 ,now1 then-- ,y4,m4 ,stop where you are6 ,i know your whole catalog of questions1 and ,i could answer every one of them without your wasting the time to ask them2 but ,i will summarize the whole thing in a single remark3 ,i did the charity knowing it was because the act would give me a splendid pleasure1 and because old ,sally's moving gratitude and delight would give me another one2 and because the reflection that she would be happy now and out of her trouble would fill me full of happiness4 ,i did the whole thing with my eyes open and recognizing and realizing that ,i was looking out for my share of the profits first4 ,now then1 ,i have confessed4 ,go on4 ,o4,m4 ,i haven't anything to offer2 you have covered the whole ground4 ,can you have been any more strongly moved to help ,sally out of her trouble--could you have done the deed any more eagerly--if you had been under the delusion that you were doing it for her sake and profit only8 ,y4,m4 ,no6 ,nothing in the world could have made the impulse which moved me more powerful1 more masterful1 more thoroughly irresistible4 ,i played the limit6 ,o4,m4 ,very well4 ,you begin to suspect--and ,i claim to know --that when a man is a shade more strongly moved to do one of two things or of two dozen things than he is to do any one of the others1 he will infallibly do that one thing1 be it good or be it evil2 and if it be good1 not all the beguilements of all the casuistries can increase the strength of the impulse by a single shade or add a shade to the comfort and contentment he will get out of the act4 ,y4,m4 ,then you believe that such tendency toward doing good as is in men's hearts would not be diminished by the removal of the delusion that good deeds are done primarily for the sake of ,no4 #b instead of for the sake of ,no4 #a8 ,o4,m4 ,that is what ,i fully believe4 ,y4,m4 ,doesn't it somehow seem to take from the dignity of the deed8 ,o4,m4 ,if there is dignity in falsity1 it does4 ,it removes that4 ,y4,m4 ,what is left for the moralists to do8 ,o4,m4 ,teach unreservedly what he already teaches with one side of his mouth and takes back with the other3 ,do right for your own sake1 and be happy in knowing that your neighbor will certainly share in the benefits resulting4 ,y4,m4 ,repeat your ,admonition4 ,o4,m4 ,diligently train your ideals upward and still upward toward a summit where you will find your chiefest pleasure in conduct which1 while contenting you1 will be sure to confer benefits upon your neighbor and the community4 ,y4,m4 ,one's every act proceeds from exterior influences1 you think8 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,y4,m4 ,if ,i conclude to rob a person1 ,i am not the originator of the idea1 but it comes in from the outside8 ,i see him handling money--for instance--and that moves me to the crime8 ,o4,m4 ,that1 by itself8 ,oh1 certainly not4 ,it is merely the latest outside influence of a procession of preparatory influences stretching back over a period of years4 ,no single outside influence can make a man do a thing which is at war with his training4 ,the most it can do is to start his mind on a new tract and open it to the reception of new influences--as in the case of ,ignatius ,loyola4 ,in time these influences can train him to a point where it will be consonant with his new character to yield to the final influence and do that thing4 ,i will put the case in a form which will make my theory clear to you1 ,i think4 ,here are two ingots of virgin gold4 ,they shall represent a couple of characters which have been refined and perfected in the virtues by years of diligent right training4 ,suppose you wanted to break down these strong and well-compacted characters--what influence would you bring to bear upon the ingots8 ,y4,m4 ,work it out yourself4 ,proceed4 ,o4,m4 ,suppose ,i turn upon one of them a steam-jet during a long succession of hours4 ,will there be a result8 ,y4,m4 ,none that ,i know of4 ,o4,m4 ,why8 ,y4,m4 ,a steam-jet cannot break down such a substance4 ,o4,m4 ,very well4 ,the steam is an outside influence1 but it is ineffective because the gold takes no interest in it4 ,the ingot remains as it was4 ,suppose we add to the steam some quicksilver in a vaporized condition1 and turn the jet upon the ingot1 will there be an instantaneous result8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,o4,m4 ,the quicksilver is an outside influence which gold 7by its peculiar nature--say temperament1 disposition7 cannot be indifferent to4 ,it stirs up the interest of the gold1 although we do not perceive it2 but a single application of the influence works no damage4 ,let us continue the application in a steady stream1 and call each minute a year4 ,by the end of ten or twenty minutes--ten or twenty years--the little ingot is sodden with quicksilver1 its virtues are gone1 its character is degraded4 ,at last it is ready to yield to a temptation which it would have taken no notice of1 ten or twenty years ago4 ,we will apply that temptation in the form of a pressure of my finger4 ,you note the result8 ,y4,m4 ,yes2 the ingot has crumbled to sand4 ,i understand1 now4 ,it is not the single outside influence that does the work1 but only the last one of a long and disintegrating accumulation of them4 ,i see1 now1 how my single impulse to rob the man is not the one that makes me do it1 but only the last one of a preparatory series4 ,you might illustrate with a parable4 ,a ,parable ,o4,m4 ,i will4 ,there was once a pair of ,new ,england boys--twins4 ,they were alike in good dispositions1 feckless morals1 and personal appearance4 ,they were the models of the ,sunday--school4 ,at fifteen ,george had the opportunity to go as cabin-boy in a whale-ship1 and sailed away for the ,pacific4 ,henry remained at home in the village4 ,at eighteen ,george was a sailor before the mast1 and ,henry was teacher of the advanced ,bible class4 ,at twenty-two ,george1 through fighting-habits and drinking-habits acquired at sea and in the sailor boarding-houses of the ,european and ,oriental ports1 was a common rough in ,hong-,kong1 and out of a job2 and ,henry was superintendent of the ,sunday-school4 ,at twenty-six ,george was a wanderer1 a tramp1 and ,henry was pastor of the village church4 ,then ,george came home1 and was ,henry's guest4 ,one evening a man passed by and turned down the lane1 and ,henry said1 with a pathetic smile1 8,without intending me a discomfort1 that man is always keeping me reminded of my pinching poverty1 for he carries heaps of money about him1 and goes by here every evening of his life40 ,that outside influence --that remark--was enough for ,george1 but it was not the one that made him ambush the man and rob him1 it merely represented the eleven years' accumulation of such influences1 and gave birth to the act for which their long gestation had made preparation4 ,it had never entered the head of ,henry to rob the man--his ingot had been subjected to clean steam only2 but ,george's had been subjected to vaporized quicksilver4 ,v ,more ,about the ,machine ,note4--,when ,mrs4 ,w4 asks how can a millionaire give a single dollar to colleges and museums while one human being is destitute of bread1 she has answered her question herself4 ,her feeling for the poor shows that she has a standard of benevolence2 there she has conceded the millionaire's privilege of having a standard2 since she evidently requires him to adopt her standard1 she is by that act requiring herself to adopt his4 ,the human being always looks down when he is examining another person's standard2 he never find one that he has to examine by looking up4 ,the ,man-,machine ,again ,young ,man4 ,you really think man is a mere machine8 ,old ,man4 ,i do4 ,y4,m4 ,and that his mind works automatically and is independent of his control--carries on thought on its own hook8 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,it is diligently at work1 unceasingly at work1 during every waking moment4 ,have you never tossed about all night1 imploring1 beseeching1 commanding your mind to stop work and let you go to sleep8--you who perhaps imagine that your mind is your servant and must obey your orders1 think what you tell it to think1 and stop when you tell it to stop4 ,when it chooses to work1 there is no way to keep it still for an instant4 ,the brightest man would not be able to supply it with subjects if he had to hunt them up4 ,if it needed the man's help it would wait for him to give it work when he wakes in the morning4 ,y4,m4 ,maybe it does4 ,o4,m4 ,no1 it begins right away1 before the man gets wide enough awake to give it a suggestion4 ,he may go to sleep saying1 8,the moment ,i wake ,i will think upon such and such a subject10 but he will fail4 ,his mind will be too quick for him2 by the time he has become nearly enough awake to be half conscious1 he will find that it is already at work upon another subject4 ,make the experiment and see4 ,y4,m4 ,at any rate1 he can make it stick to a subject if he wants to4 ,o4,m4 ,not if it find another that suits it better4 ,as a rule it will listen to neither a dull speaker nor a bright one4 ,it refuses all persuasion4 ,the dull speaker wearies it and sends it far away in idle dreams2 the bright speaker throws out stimulating ideas which it goes chasing after and is at once unconscious of him and his talk4 ,you cannot keep your mind from wandering1 if it wants to2 it is master1 not you4 ,after an ,interval of ,days ,o4,m4 ,now1 dreams--but we will examine that later4 ,meantime1 did you try commanding your mind to wait for orders from you1 and not do any thinking on its own hook8 ,y4,m4 ,yes1 ,i commanded it to stand ready to take orders when ,i should wake in the morning4 ,o4,m4 ,did it obey8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,it went to thinking of something of its own initiation1 without waiting for me4 ,also--as you suggested--at night ,i appointed a theme for it to begin on in the morning1 and commanded it to begin on that one and no other4 ,o4,m4 ,did it obey8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,o4,m4 ,how many times did you try the experiment8 ,y4,m4 ,ten4 ,o4,m4 ,how many successes did you score8 ,y4,m4 ,not one4 ,o4,m4 ,it is as ,i have said3 the mind is independent of the man4 ,he has no control over it2 it does as it pleases4 ,it will take up a subject in spite of him2 it will stick to it in spite of him2 it will throw it aside in spite of him4 ,it is entirely independent of him4 ,y4,m4 ,go on4 ,illustrate4 ,o4,m4 ,do you know chess8 ,y4,m4 ,i learned it a week ago4 ,o4,m4 ,did your mind go on playing the game all night that first night8 ,y4,m4 ,don't mention it6 ,o4,m4 ,it was eagerly1 unsatisfiably interested2 it rioted in the combinations2 you implored it to drop the game and let you get some sleep8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,it wouldn't listen2 it played right along4 ,it wore me out and ,i got up haggard and wretched in the morning4 ,o4,m4 ,at some time or other you have been captivated by a ridiculous rhyme-jingle8 ,y4,m4 ,indeed1 yes6 8,i saw ,esau kissing ,kate1 ,and she saw ,i saw ,esau2 ,i saw ,esau1 he saw ,kate1 ,and she saw--0 ,and so on4 ,my mind went mad with joy over it4 ,it repeated it all day and all night for a week in spite of all ,i could do to stop it1 and it seemed to me that ,i must surely go crazy4 ,o4,m4 ,and the new popular song8 ,y4,m4 ,oh yes6 8,in the ,swee-eet ,by and ,by02 etc4 ,yes1 the new popular song with the taking melody sings through one's head day and night1 asleep and awake1 till one is a wreck4 ,there is no getting the mind to let it alone4 ,o4,m4 ,yes1 asleep as well as awake4 ,the mind is quite independent4 ,it is master4 ,you have nothing to do with it4 ,it is so apart from you that it can conduct its affairs1 sing its songs1 play its chess1 weave its complex and ingeniously constructed dreams1 while you sleep4 ,it has no use for your help1 no use for your guidance1 and never uses either1 whether you be asleep or awake4 ,you have imagined that you could originate a thought in your mind1 and you have sincerely believed you could do it4 ,y4,m4 ,yes1 ,i have had that idea4 ,o4,m4 ,yet you can't originate a dream-thought for it to work out1 and get it accepted8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,o4,m4 ,and you can't dictate its procedure after it has originated a dream-thought for itself8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,no one can do it4 ,do you think the waking mind and the dream mind are the same machine8 ,o4,m4 ,there is argument for it4 ,we have wild and fantastic day-thoughts8 ,things that are dream-like8 ,y4,m4 ,yes--like ,mr4 ,wells's man who invented a drug that made him invisible2 and like the ,arabian tales of the ,thousand ,nights4 ,o4,m4 ,and there are dreams that are rational1 simple1 consistent1 and unfantastic8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,i have dreams that are like that4 ,dreams that are just like real life2 dreams in which there are several persons with distinctly differentiated characters--inventions of my mind and yet strangers to me3 a vulgar person2 a refined one2 a wise person2 a fool2 a cruel person2 a kind and compassionate one2 a quarrelsome person2 a peacemaker2 old persons and young2 beautiful girls and homely ones4 ,they talk in character1 each preserves his own characteristics4 ,there are vivid fights1 vivid and biting insults1 vivid love-passages2 there are tragedies and comedies1 there are griefs that go to one's heart1 there are sayings and doings that make you laugh3 indeed1 the whole thing is exactly like real life4 ,o4,m4 ,your dreaming mind originates the scheme1 consistently and artistically develops it1 and carries the little drama creditably through--all without help or suggestion from you8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,it is argument that it could do the like awake without help or suggestion from you--and ,i think it does4 ,it is argument that it is the same old mind in both cases1 and never needs your help4 ,i think the mind is purely a machine1 a thoroughly independent machine1 an automatic machine4 ,have you tried the other experiment which ,i suggested to you8 ,y4,m4 ,which one8 ,o4,m4 ,the one which was to determine how much influence you have over your mind--if any4 ,y4,m4 ,yes1 and got more or less entertainment out of it4 ,i did as you ordered3 ,i placed two texts before my eyes--one a dull one and barren of interest1 the other one full of interest1 inflamed with it1 white-hot with it4 ,i commanded my mind to busy itself solely with the dull one4 ,o4,m4 ,did it obey8 ,y4,m4 ,well1 no1 it didn't4 ,it busied itself with the other one4 ,o4,m4 ,did you try hard to make it obey8 ,y4,m4 ,yes1 ,i did my honest best4 ,o4,m4 ,what was the text which it refused to be interested in or think about8 ,y4,m4 ,it was this question3 ,if ,a owes ,b a dollar and a half1 and ,b owes ,c two and three-quarter1 and ,c owes ,a thirty--five cents1 and ,d and ,a together owe ,e and ,b three-sixteenths of--of--,i don't remember the rest1 now1 but anyway it was wholly uninteresting1 and ,i could not force my mind to stick to it even half a minute at a time2 it kept flying off to the other text4 ,o4,m4 ,what was the other text8 ,y4,m4 ,it is no matter about that4 ,o4,m4 ,but what was it8 ,y4,m4 ,a photograph4 ,o4,m4 ,your own8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,it was hers4 ,o4,m4 ,you really made an honest good test4 ,did you make a second trial8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,i commanded my mind to interest itself in the morning paper's report of the pork-market1 and at the same time ,i reminded it of an experience of mine of sixteen years ago4 ,it refused to consider the pork and gave its whole blazing interest to that ancient incident4 ,o4,m4 ,what was the incident8 ,y4,m4 ,an armed desperado slapped my face in the presence of twenty spectators4 ,it makes me wild and murderous every time ,i think of it4 ,o4,m4 ,good tests1 both2 very good tests4 ,did you try my other suggestion8 ,y4,m4 ,the one which was to prove to me that if ,i would leave my mind to its own devices it would find things to think about without any of my help1 and thus convince me that it was a machine1 an automatic machine1 set in motion by exterior influences1 and as independent of me as it could be if it were in some one else's skull4 ,is that the one8 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,y4,m4 ,i tried it4 ,i was shaving4 ,i had slept well1 and my mind was very lively1 even gay and frisky4 ,it was reveling in a fantastic and joyful episode of my remote boyhood which had suddenly flashed up in my memory--moved to this by the spectacle of a yellow cat picking its way carefully along the top of the garden wall4 ,the color of this cat brought the bygone cat before me1 and ,i saw her walking along the side-step of the pulpit2 saw her walk on to a large sheet of sticky fly-paper and get all her feet involved2 saw her struggle and fall down1 helpless and dissatisfied1 more and more urgent1 more and more unreconciled1 more and more mutely profane2 saw the silent congregation quivering like jelly1 and the tears running down their faces4 ,i saw it all4 ,the sight of the tears whisked my mind to a far distant and a sadder scene--in ,terra del ,fuego--and with ,darwin's eyes ,i saw a naked great savage hurl his little boy against the rocks for a trifling fault2 saw the poor mother gather up her dying child and hug it to her breast and weep1 uttering no word4 ,did my mind stop to mourn with that nude black sister of mine8 ,no--it was far away from that scene in an instant1 and was busying itself with an ever-recurring and disagreeable dream of mine4 ,in this dream ,i always find myself1 stripped to my shirt1 cringing and dodging about in the midst of a great drawing-room throng of finely dressed ladies and gentlemen1 and wondering how ,i got there4 ,and so on and so on1 picture after picture1 incident after incident1 a drifting panorama of ever-changing1 ever-dissolving views manufactured by my mind without any help from me--why1 it would take me two hours to merely name the multitude of things my mind tallied off and photographed in fifteen minutes1 let alone describe them to you4 ,o4,m4 ,a man's mind1 left free1 has no use for his help4 ,but there is one way whereby he can get its help when he desires it4 ,y4,m4 ,what is that way8 ,o4,m4 ,when your mind is racing along from subject to subject and strikes an inspiring one1 open your mouth and begin talking upon that matter--or--take your pen and use that4 ,it will interest your mind and concentrate it1 and it will pursue the subject with satisfaction4 ,it will take full charge1 and furnish the words itself4 ,y4,m4 ,but don't ,i tell it what to say8 ,o4,m4 ,there are certainly occasions when you haven't time4 ,the words leap out before you know what is coming4 ,y4,m4 ,for instance8 ,o4,m4 ,well1 take a 8flash of wit0--repartee4 ,flash is the right word4 ,it is out instantly4 ,there is no time to arrange the words4 ,there is no thinking1 no reflecting4 ,where there is a wit-mechanism it is automatic in its action and needs no help4 ,where the wit-mechanism is lacking1 no amount of study and reflection can manufacture the product4 ,y4,m4 ,you really think a man originates nothing1 creates nothing4 ,the ,thinking-,process ,o4,m4 ,i do4 ,men perceive1 and their brain-machines automatically combine the things perceived4 ,that is all4 ,y4,m4 ,the steam-engine8 ,o4,m4 ,it takes fifty men a hundred years to invent it4 ,one meaning of invent is discover4 ,i use the word in that sense4 ,little by little they discover and apply the multitude of details that go to make the perfect engine4 ,watt noticed that confined steam was strong enough to lift the lid of the teapot4 ,he didn't create the idea1 he merely discovered the fact2 the cat had noticed it a hundred times4 ,from the teapot he evolved the cylinder--from the displaced lid he evolved the piston-rod4 ,to attach something to the piston-rod to be moved by it1 was a simple matter--crank and wheel4 ,and so there was a working engine4 ,one by one1 improvements were discovered by men who used their eyes1 not their creating powers--for they hadn't any--and now1 after a hundred years the patient contributions of fifty or a hundred observers stand compacted in the wonderful machine which drives the ocean liner4 ,y4,m4 ,a ,shakespearean play8 ,o4,m4 ,the process is the same4 ,the first actor was a savage4 ,he reproduced in his theatrical war-dances1 scalp--dances1 and so on1 incidents which he had seen in real life4 ,a more advanced civilization produced more incidents1 more episodes2 the actor and the story-teller borrowed them4 ,and so the drama grew1 little by little1 stage by stage4 ,it is made up of the facts of life1 not creations4 ,it took centuries to develop the ,greek drama4 ,it borrowed from preceding ages2 it lent to the ages that came after4 ,men observe and combine1 that is all4 ,so does a rat4 ,y4,m4 ,how8 ,o4,m4 ,he observes a smell1 he infers a cheese1 he seeks and finds4 ,the astronomer observes this and that2 adds his this and that to the this-and-thats of a hundred predecessors1 infers an invisible planet1 seeks it and finds it4 ,the rat gets into a trap2 gets out with trouble2 infers that cheese in traps lacks value1 and meddles with that trap no more4 ,the astronomer is very proud of his achievement1 the rat is proud of his4 ,yet both are machines2 they have done machine work1 they have originated nothing1 they have no right to be vain2 the whole credit belongs to their ,maker4 ,they are entitled to no honors1 no praises1 no monuments when they die1 no remembrance4 ,one is a complex and elaborate machine1 the other a simple and limited machine1 but they are alike in principle1 function1 and process1 and neither of them works otherwise than automatically1 and neither of them may righteously claim a personal superiority or a personal dignity above the other4 ,y4,m4 ,in earned personal dignity1 then1 and in personal merit for what he does1 it follows of necessity that he is on the same level as a rat8 ,o4,m4 ,his brother the rat2 yes1 that is how it seems to me4 ,neither of them being entitled to any personal merit for what he does1 it follows of necessity that neither of them has a right to arrogate to himself 7personally created7 superiorities over his brother4 ,y4,m4 ,are you determined to go on believing in these insanities8 ,would you go on believing in them in the face of able arguments backed by collated facts and instances8 ,o4,m4 ,i have been a humble1 earnest1 and sincere ,truth-,seeker4 ,y4,m4 ,very well8 ,o4,m4 ,the humble1 earnest1 and sincere ,truth-,seeker is always convertible by such means4 ,y4,m4 ,i am thankful to ,god to hear you say this1 for now ,i know that your conversion-- ,o4,m4 ,wait4 ,you misunderstand4 ,i said ,i have been a ,truth-,seeker4 ,y4,m4 ,well8 ,o4,m4 ,i am not that now4 ,have your forgotten8 ,i told you that there are none but temporary ,truth-,seekers2 that a permanent one is a human impossibility2 that as soon as the ,seeker finds what he is thoroughly convinced is the ,truth1 he seeks no further1 but gives the rest of his days to hunting junk to patch it and caulk it and prop it with1 and make it weather-proof and keep it from caving in on him4 ,hence the ,presbyterian remains a ,presbyterian1 the ,mohammedan a ,mohammedan1 the ,spiritualist a ,spiritualist1 the ,democrat a ,democrat1 the ,republican a ,republican1 the ,monarchist a ,monarchist2 and if a humble1 earnest1 and sincere ,seeker after ,truth should find it in the proposition that the moon is made of green cheese nothing could ever budge him from that position2 for he is nothing but an automatic machine1 and must obey the laws of his construction4 ,y4,m4 ,and so-- ,o4,m4 ,having found the ,truth2 perceiving that beyond question man has but one moving impulse--the contenting of his own spirit--and is merely a machine and entitled to no personal merit for anything he does1 it is not humanly possible for me to seek further4 ,the rest of my days will be spent in patching and painting and puttying and caulking my priceless possession and in looking the other way when an imploring argument or a damaging fact approaches4 #a4 ,the ,marquess of ,worcester had done all of this more than a century earlier4 ,,vi ,instinct and ,thought ,young ,man4 ,it is odious4 ,those drunken theories of yours1 advanced a while ago--concerning the rat and all that--strip ,man bare of all his dignities1 grandeurs1 sublimities4 ,old ,man4 ,he hasn't any to strip--they are shams1 stolen clothes4 ,he claims credits which belong solely to his ,maker4 ,y4,m4 ,but you have no right to put him on a level with a rat4 ,o4,m4 ,i don't--morally4 ,that would not be fair to the rat4 ,the rat is well above him1 there4 ,y4,m4 ,are you joking8 ,o4,m4 ,no1 ,i am not4 ,y4,m4 ,then what do you mean8 ,o4,m4 ,that comes under the head of the ,moral ,sense4 ,it is a large question4 ,let us finish with what we are about now1 before we take it up4 ,y4,m4 ,very well4 ,you have seemed to concede that you place ,man and the rat on a level4 ,what is it8 ,the intellectual8 ,o4,m4 ,in form--not a degree4 ,y4,m4 ,explain4 ,o4,m4 ,i think that the rat's mind and the man's mind are the same machine1 but of unequal capacities--like yours and ,edison's2 like the ,african pygmy's and ,homer's2 like the ,bushman's and ,bismarck's4 ,y4,m4 ,how are you going to make that out1 when the lower animals have no mental quality but instinct1 while man possesses reason8 ,o4,m4 ,what is instinct8 ,y4,m4 ,it is merely unthinking and mechanical exercise of inherited habit4 ,o4,m4 ,what originated the habit8 ,y4,m4 ,the first animal started it1 its descendants have inherited it4 ,o4,m4 ,how did the first one come to start it8 ,y4,m4 ,i don't know2 but it didn't think it out4 ,o4,m4 ,how do you know it didn't8 ,y4,m4 ,well--,i have a right to suppose it didn't1 anyway4 ,o4,m4 ,i don't believe you have4 ,what is thought8 ,y4,m4 ,i know what you call it3 the mechanical and automatic putting together of impressions received from outside1 and drawing an inference from them4 ,o4,m4 ,very good4 ,now my idea of the meaningless term 8instinct0 is1 that it is merely petrified thought2 solidified and made inanimate by habit2 thought which was once alive and awake1 but is become unconscious--walks in its sleep1 so to speak4 ,y4,m4 ,illustrate it4 ,o4,m4 ,take a herd of cows1 feeding in a pasture4 ,their heads are all turned in one direction4 ,they do that instinctively2 they gain nothing by it1 they have no reason for it1 they don't know why they do it4 ,it is an inherited habit which was originally thought--that is to say1 observation of an exterior fact1 and a valuable inference drawn from that observation and confirmed by experience4 ,the original wild ox noticed that with the wind in his favor he could smell his enemy in time to escape2 then he inferred that it was worth while to keep his nose to the wind4 ,that is the process which man calls reasoning4 ,man's thought-machine works just like the other animals'1 but it is a better one and more ,edisonian4 ,man1 in the ox's place1 would go further1 reason wider3 he would face part of the herd the other way and protect both front and rear4 ,y4,m4 ,did you stay the term instinct is meaningless8 ,o4,m4 ,i think it is a bastard word4 ,i think it confuses us2 for as a rule it applies itself to habits and impulses which had a far-off origin in thought1 and now and then breaks the rule and applies itself to habits which can hardly claim a thought-origin4 ,y4,m4 ,give an instance4 ,o4,m4 ,well1 in putting on trousers a man always inserts the same old leg first--never the other one4 ,there is no advantage in that1 and no sense in it4 ,all men do it1 yet no man thought it out and adopted it of set purpose1 ,i imagine4 ,but it is a habit which is transmitted1 no doubt1 and will continue to be transmitted4 ,y4,m4 ,can you prove that the habit exists8 ,o4,m4 ,you can prove it1 if you doubt4 ,if you will take a man to a clothing-store and watch him try on a dozen pairs of trousers1 you will see4 ,y4,m4 ,the cow illustration is not-- ,o4,m4 ,sufficient to show that a dumb animal's mental machine is just the same as a man's and its reasoning processes the same8 ,i will illustrate further4 ,if you should hand ,mr4 ,edison a box which you caused to fly open by some concealed device he would infer a spring1 and would hunt for it and find it4 ,now an uncle of mine had an old horse who used to get into the closed lot where the corn-crib was and dishonestly take the corn4 ,i got the punishment myself1 as it was supposed that ,i had heedlessly failed to insert the wooden pin which kept the gate closed4 ,these persistent punishments fatigued me2 they also caused me to infer the existence of a culprit1 somewhere2 so ,i hid myself and watched the gate4 ,presently the horse came and pulled the pin out with his teeth and went in4 ,nobody taught him that2 he had observed--then thought it out for himself4 ,his process did not differ from ,edison's2 he put this and that together and drew an inference--and the peg1 too2 but ,i made him sweat for it4 ,y4,m4 ,it has something of the seeming of thought about it4 ,still it is not very elaborate4 ,enlarge4 ,o4,m4 ,suppose ,mr4 ,edison has been enjoying some one's hospitalities4 ,he comes again by and by1 and the house is vacant4 ,he infers that his host has moved4 ,a while afterward1 in another town1 he sees the man enter a house2 he infers that that is the new home1 and follows to inquire4 ,here1 now1 is the experience of a gull1 as related by a naturalist4 ,the scene is a ,scotch fishing village where the gulls were kindly treated4 ,this particular gull visited a cottage2 was fed2 came next day and was fed again2 came into the house1 next time1 and ate with the family2 kept on doing this almost daily1 thereafter4 ,but1 once the gull was away on a journey for a few days1 and when it returned the house was vacant4 ,its friends had removed to a village three miles distant4 ,several months later it saw the head of the family on the street there1 followed him home1 entered the house without excuse or apology1 and became a daily guest again4 ,gulls do not rank high mentally1 but this one had memory and the reasoning faculty1 you see1 and applied them ,edisonially4 ,y4,m4 ,yet it was not an ,edison and couldn't be developed into one4 ,o4,m4 ,perhaps not4 ,could you8 ,y4,m4 ,that is neither here nor there4 ,go on4 ,o4,m4 ,if ,edison were in trouble and a stranger helped him out of it and next day he got into the same difficulty again1 he would infer the wise thing to do in case he knew the stranger's address4 ,here is a case of a bird and a stranger as related by a naturalist4 ,an ,englishman saw a bird flying around about his dog's head1 down in the grounds1 and uttering cries of distress4 ,he went there to see about it4 ,the dog had a young bird in his mouth--unhurt4 ,the gentleman rescued it and put it on a bush and brought the dog away4 ,early the next morning the mother bird came for the gentleman1 who was sitting on his veranda1 and by its maneuvers persuaded him to follow it to a distant part of the grounds--flying a little way in front of him and waiting for him to catch up1 and so on2 and keeping to the winding path1 too1 instead of flying the near way across lots4 ,the distance covered was four hundred yards4 ,the same dog was the culprit2 he had the young bird again1 and once more he had to give it up4 ,now the mother bird had reasoned it all out3 since the stranger had helped her once1 she inferred that he would do it again2 she knew where to find him1 and she went upon her errand with confidence4 ,her mental processes were what ,edison's would have been4 ,she put this and that together--and that is all that thought is --and out of them built her logical arrangement of inferences4 ,edison couldn't have done it any better himself4 ,y4,m4 ,do you believe that many of the dumb animals can think8 ,o4,m4 ,yes--the elephant1 the monkey1 the horse1 the dog1 the parrot1 the macaw1 the mocking-bird1 and many others4 ,the elephant whose mate fell into a pit1 and who dumped dirt and rubbish into the pit till bottom was raised high enough to enable the captive to step out1 was equipped with the reasoning quality4 ,i conceive that all animals that can learn things through teaching and drilling have to know how to observe1 and put this and that together and draw an inference--the process of thinking4 ,could you teach an idiot the manual of arms1 and to advance1 retreat1 and go through complex field maneuvers at the word of command8 ,y4,m4 ,not if he were a thorough idiot4 ,o4,m4 ,well1 canary-birds can learn all that2 dogs and elephants learn all sorts of wonderful things4 ,they must surely be able to notice1 and to put things together1 and say to themselves1 8,i get the idea1 now3 when ,i do so and so1 as per order1 ,i am praised and fed2 when ,i do differently ,i am punished40 ,fleas can be taught nearly anything that a ,congressman can4 ,y4,m4 ,granting1 then1 that dumb animals are able to think upon a low plane1 is there any that can think upon a high one8 ,is there one that is well up toward man8 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,as a thinker and planner the ant is the equal of any savage race of men2 as a self-educated specialist in several arts she is the superior of any savage race of men2 and in one or two high mental qualities she is above the reach of any man1 savage or civilized6 ,y4,m4 ,oh1 come6 you are abolishing the intellectual frontier which separates man and beast4 ,o4,m4 ,i beg your pardon4 ,one cannot abolish what does not exist4 ,y4,m4 ,you are not in earnest1 ,i hope4 ,you cannot mean to seriously say there is no such frontier4 ,o4,m4 ,i do say it seriously4 ,the instances of the horse1 the gull1 the mother bird1 and the elephant show that those creatures put their this's and thats together just as ,edison would have done it and drew the same inferences that he would have drawn4 ,their mental machinery was just like his1 also its manner of working4 ,their equipment was as inferior to the ,strasburg clock1 but that is the only difference--there is no frontier4 ,y4,m4 ,it looks exasperatingly true2 and is distinctly offensive4 ,it elevates the dumb beasts to--to-- ,o4,m4 ,let us drop that lying phrase1 and call them the ,unrevealed ,creatures2 so far as we can know1 there is no such thing as a dumb beast4 ,y4,m4 ,on what grounds do you make that assertion8 ,o4,m4 ,on quite simple ones4 8,dumb0 beast suggests an animal that has no thought-machinery1 no understanding1 no speech1 no way of communicating what is in its mind4 ,we know that a hen has speech4 ,we cannot understand everything she says1 but we easily learn two or three of her phrases4 ,we know when she is saying1 8,i have laid an egg02 we know when she is saying to the chicks1 8,run here1 dears1 ,i've found a worm02 we know what she is saying when she voices a warning3 8,quick6 hurry6 gather yourselves under mamma1 there's a hawk coming60 ,we understand the cat when she stretches herself out1 purring with affection and contentment and lifts up a soft voice and says1 8,come1 kitties1 supper's ready02 we understand her when she goes mourning about and says1 8,where can they be8 ,they are lost4 ,won't you help me hunt for them80 and we understand the disreputable ,tom when he challenges at midnight from his shed1 8,you come over here1 you product of immoral commerce1 and ,i'll make your fur fly60 ,we understand a few of a dog's phrases and we learn to understand a few of the remarks and gestures of any bird or other animal that we domesticate and observe4 ,the clearness and exactness of the few of the hen's speeches which we understand is argument that she can communicate to her kind a hundred things which we cannot comprehend--in a word1 that she can converse4 ,and this argument is also applicable in the case of others of the great army of the ,unrevealed4 ,it is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions4 ,now as to the ant-- ,y4,m4 ,yes1 go back to the ant1 the creature that--as you seem to think--sweeps away the last vestige of an intellectual frontier between man and the ,unrevealed4 ,o4,m4 ,that is what she surely does4 ,in all his history the aboriginal ,australian never thought out a house for himself and built it4 ,the ant is an amazing architect4 ,she is a wee little creature1 but she builds a strong and enduring house eight feet high--a house which is as large in proportion to her size as is the largest capitol or cathedral in the world compared to man's size4 ,no savage race has produced architects who could approach the ant in genius or culture4 ,no civilized race has produced architects who could plan a house better for the uses proposed than can hers4 ,her house contains a throne-room2 nurseries for her young2 granaries2 apartments for her soldiers1 her workers1 etc42 and they and the multifarious halls and corridors which communicate with them are arranged and distributed with an educated and experienced eye for convenience and adaptability4 ,y4,m4 ,that could be mere instinct4 ,o4,m4 ,it would elevate the savage if he had it4 ,but let us look further before we decide4 ,the ant has soldiers--battalions1 regiments1 armies2 and they have their appointed captains and generals1 who lead them to battle4 ,y4,m4 ,that could be instinct1 too4 ,o4,m4 ,we will look still further4 ,the ant has a system of government2 it is well planned1 elaborate1 and is well carried on4 ,y4,m4 ,instinct again4 ,o4,m4 ,she has crowds of slaves1 and is a hard and unjust employer of forced labor4 ,y4,m4 ,instinct4 ,o4,m4 ,she has cows1 and milks them4 ,y4,m4 ,instinct1 of course4 ,o4,m4 ,in ,texas she lays out a farm twelve feet square1 plants it1 weeds it1 cultivates it1 gathers the crop and stores it away4 ,y4,m4 ,instinct1 all the same4 ,o4,m4 ,the ant discriminates between friend and stranger4 ,sir ,john ,lubbock took ants from two different nests1 made them drunk with whiskey and laid them1 unconscious1 by one of the nests1 near some water4 ,ants from the nest came and examined and discussed these disgraced creatures1 then carried their friends home and threw the strangers overboard4 ,sir ,john repeated the experiment a number of times4 ,for a time the sober ants did as they had done at first--carried their friends home and threw the strangers overboard4 ,but finally they lost patience1 seeing that their reformatory efforts went for nothing1 and threw both friends and strangers overboard4 ,come--is this instinct1 or is it thoughtful and intelligent discussion of a thing new--absolutely new--to their experience2 with a verdict arrived at1 sentence passed1 and judgment executed8 ,is it instinct8--thought petrified by ages of habit--or isn't it brand-new thought1 inspired by the new occasion1 the new circumstances8 ,y4,m4 ,i have to concede it4 ,it was not a result of habit2 it has all the look of reflection1 thought1 putting this and that together1 as you phrase it4 ,i believe it was thought4 ,o4,m4 ,i will give you another instance of thought4 ,franklin had a cup of sugar on a table in his room4 ,the ants got at it4 ,he tried several preventives2 and ants rose superior to them4 ,finally he contrived one which shut off access--probably set the table's legs in pans of water1 or drew a circle of tar around the cup1 ,i don't remember4 ,at any rate1 he watched to see what they would do4 ,they tried various schemes--failures1 every one4 ,the ants were badly puzzled4 ,finally they held a consultation1 discussed the problem1 arrived at a decision--and this time they beat that great philosopher4 ,they formed in procession1 cross the floor1 climbed the wall1 marched across the ceiling to a point just over the cup1 then one by one they let go and fell down into it6 ,was that instinct--thought petrified by ages of inherited habit8 ,y4,m4 ,no1 ,i don't believe it was4 ,i believe it was a newly reasoned scheme to meet a new emergency4 ,o4,m4 ,very well4 ,you have conceded the reasoning power in two instances4 ,i come now to a mental detail wherein the ant is a long way the superior of any human being4 ,sir ,john ,lubbock proved by many experiments that an ant knows a stranger ant of her own species in a moment1 even when the stranger is disguised--with paint4 ,also he proved that an ant knows every individual in her hive of five hundred thousand souls4 ,also1 after a year's absence one of the five hundred thousand she will straightway recognize the returned absentee and grace the recognition with an affectionate welcome4 ,how are these recognitions made8 ,not by color1 for painted ants were recognized4 ,not by smell1 for ants that had been dipped in chloroform were recognized4 ,not by speech and not by antennae signs nor contacts1 for the drunken and motionless ants were recognized and the friend discriminated from the stranger4 ,the ants were all of the same species1 therefore the friends had to be recognized by form and feature--friends who formed part of a hive of five hundred thousand6 ,has any man a memory for form and feature approaching that8 ,y4,m4 ,certainly not4 ,o4,m4 ,franklin's ants and ,lubbuck's ants show fine capacities of putting this and that together in new and untried emergencies and deducting smart conclusions from the combinations--a man's mental process exactly4 ,with memory to help1 man preserves his observations and reasonings1 reflects upon them1 adds to them1 recombines1 and so proceeds1 stage by stage1 to far results--from the teakettle to the ocean greyhound's complex engine2 from personal labor to slave labor2 from wigwam to palace2 from the capricious chase to agriculture and stored food2 from nomadic life to stable government and concentrated authority2 from incoherent hordes to massed armies4 ,the ant has observation1 the reasoning faculty1 and the preserving adjunct of a prodigious memory2 she has duplicated man's development and the essential features of his civilization1 and you call it all instinct6 ,y4,m4 ,perhaps ,i lacked the reasoning faculty myself4 ,o4,m4 ,well1 don't tell anybody1 and don't do it again4 ,y4,m4 ,we have come a good way4 ,as a result--as ,i understand it--,i am required to concede that there is absolutely no intellectual frontier separating ,man and the ,unrevealed ,creatures8 ,o4,m4 ,that is what you are required to concede4 ,there is no such frontier--there is no way to get around that4 ,man has a finer and more capable machine in him than those others1 but it is the same machine and works in the same way4 ,and neither he nor those others can command the machine--it is strictly automatic1 independent of control1 works when it pleases1 and when it doesn't please1 it can't be forced4 ,y4,m4 ,then man and the other animals are all alike1 as to mental machinery1 and there isn't any difference of any stupendous magnitude between them1 except in quality1 not in kind4 ,o4,m4 ,that is about the state of it--intellectuality4 ,there are pronounced limitations on both sides4 ,we can't learn to understand much of their language1 but the dog1 the elephant1 etc41 learn to understand a very great deal of ours4 ,to that extent they are our superiors4 ,on the other hand1 they can't learn reading1 writing1 etc41 nor any of our fine and high things1 and there we have a large advantage over them4 ,y4,m4 ,very well1 let them have what they've got1 and welcome2 there is still a wall1 and a lofty one4 ,they haven't got the ,moral ,sense2 we have it1 and it lifts us immeasurably above them4 ,o4,m4 ,what makes you think that8 ,y4,m4 ,now look here--let's call a halt4 ,i have stood the other infamies and insanities and that is enough2 ,i am not going to have man and the other animals put on the same level morally4 ,o4,m4 ,i wasn't going to hoist man up to that4 ,y4,m4 ,this is too much6 ,i think it is not right to jest about such things4 ,o4,m4 ,i am not jesting1 ,i am merely reflecting a plain and simple truth--and without uncharitableness4 ,the fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to the other creatures2 but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot4 ,it is my belief that this position is not assailable4 ,free ,will ,y4,m4 ,what is your opinion regarding ,free ,will8 ,o4,m4 ,that there is no such thing4 ,did the man possess it who gave the old woman his last shilling and trudged home in the storm8 ,y4,m4 ,he had the choice between succoring the old woman and leaving her to suffer4 ,isn't it so8 ,o4,m4 ,yes1 there was a choice to be made1 between bodily comfort on the one hand and the comfort of the spirit on the other4 ,the body made a strong appeal1 of course--the body would be quite sure to do that2 the spirit made a counter appeal4 ,a choice had to be made between the two appeals1 and was made4 ,who or what determined that choice8 ,y4,m4 ,any one but you would say that the man determined it1 and that in doing it he exercised ,free ,will4 ,o4,m4 ,we are constantly assured that every man is endowed with ,free ,will1 and that he can and must exercise it where he is offered a choice between good conduct and less-good conduct4 ,yet we clearly saw that in that man's case he really had no ,free ,will3 his temperament1 his training1 and the daily influences which had molded him and made him what he was1 compelled him to rescue the old woman and thus save himself --save himself from spiritual pain1 from unendurable wretchedness4 ,he did not make the choice1 it was made for him by forces which he could not control4 ,free ,will has always existed in words1 but it stops there1 ,i think--stops short of fact4 ,i would not use those words--,free ,will--but others4 ,y4,m4 ,what others8 ,o4,m4 ,free ,choice4 ,y4,m4 ,what is the difference8 ,o4,m4 ,the one implies untrammeled power to act as you please1 the other implies nothing beyond a mere mental process3 the critical ability to determine which of two things is nearest right and just4 ,y4,m4 ,make the difference clear1 please4 ,o4,m4 ,the mind can freely select1 choose1 point out the right and just one--its function stops there4 ,it can go no further in the matter4 ,it has no authority to say that the right one shall be acted upon and the wrong one discarded4 ,that authority is in other hands4 ,y4,m4 ,the man's8 ,o4,m4 ,in the machine which stands for him4 ,in his born disposition and the character which has been built around it by training and environment4 ,y4,m4 ,it will act upon the right one of the two8 ,o4,m4 ,it will do as it pleases in the matter4 ,george ,washington's machine would act upon the right one2 ,pizarro would act upon the wrong one4 ,y4,m4 ,then as ,i understand it a bad man's mental machinery calmly and judicially points out which of two things is right and just-- ,o4,m4 ,yes1 and his moral machinery will freely act upon the one or the other1 according to its make1 and be quite indifferent to the mind's feeling concerning the matter--that is1 would be1 if the mind had any feelings2 which it hasn't4 ,it is merely a thermometer3 it registers the heat and the cold1 and cares not a farthing about either4 ,y4,m4 ,then we must not claim that if a man knows which of two things is right he is absolutely bound to do that thing8 ,o4,m4 ,his temperament and training will decide what he shall do1 and he will do it2 he cannot help himself1 he has no authority over the matter4 ,wasn't it right for ,david to go out and slay ,goliath8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,then it would have been equally right for any one else to do it8 ,y4,m4 ,certainly4 ,o4,m4 ,then it would have been right for a born coward to attempt it8 ,y4,m4 ,it would--yes4 ,o4,m4 ,you know that no born coward ever would have attempted it1 don't you8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,you know that a born coward's make and temperament would be an absolute and insurmountable bar to his ever essaying such a thing1 don't you8 ,y4,m4 ,yes1 ,i know it4 ,o4,m4 ,he clearly perceives that it would be right to try it8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,his mind has ,free ,choice in determining that it would be right to try it8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,then if by reason of his inborn cowardice he simply can not essay it1 what becomes of his ,free ,will8 ,where is his ,free ,will8 ,why claim that he has ,free ,will when the plain facts show that he hasn't8 ,why contend that because he and ,david see the right alike1 both must act alike8 ,why impose the same laws upon goat and lion8 ,y4,m4 ,there is really no such thing as ,free ,will8 ,o4,m4 ,it is what ,i think4 ,there is will4 ,but it has nothing to do with intellectual perceptions of right and wrong1 and is not under their command4 ,david's temperament and training had ,will1 and it was a compulsory force2 ,david had to obey its decrees1 he had no choice4 ,the coward's temperament and training possess ,will1 and it is compulsory2 it commands him to avoid danger1 and he obeys1 he has no choice4 ,but neither the ,davids nor the cowards possess ,free ,will--will that may do the right or do the wrong1 as their mental verdict shall decide4 ,not ,two ,values1 ,but ,only ,one ,y4,m4 ,there is one thing which bothers me3 ,i can't tell where you draw the line between material covetousness and spiritual covetousness4 ,o4,m4 ,i don't draw any4 ,y4,m4 ,how do you mean8 ,o4,m4 ,there is no such thing as material covetousness4 ,all covetousness is spiritual4 ,y4,m4 ,all longings1 desires1 ambitions spiritual1 never material8 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,the ,master in you requires that in all cases you shall content his spirit --that alone4 ,he never requires anything else1 he never interests himself in any other matter4 ,y4,m4 ,ah1 come6 ,when he covets somebody's money--isn't that rather distinctly material and gross8 ,o4,m4 ,no4 ,the money is merely a symbol--it represents in visible and concrete form a spiritual desire4 ,any so-called material thing that you want is merely a symbol3 you want it not for itself1 but because it will content your spirit for the moment4 ,y4,m4 ,please particularize4 ,o4,m4 ,very well4 ,maybe the thing longed for is a new hat4 ,you get it and your vanity is pleased1 your spirit contented4 ,suppose your friends deride the hat1 make fun of it3 at once it loses its value2 you are ashamed of it1 you put it out of your sight1 you never want to see it again4 ,y4,m4 ,i think ,i see4 ,go on4 ,o4,m4 ,it is the same hat1 isn't it8 ,it is in no way altered4 ,but it wasn't the hat you wanted1 but only what it stood for--a something to please and content your spirit4 ,when it failed of that1 the whole of its value was gone4 ,there are no material values2 there are only spiritual ones4 ,you will hunt in vain for a material value that is actual1 real--there is no such thing4 ,the only value it possesses1 for even a moment1 is the spiritual value back of it3 remove that end and it is at once worthless--like the hat4 ,y4,m4 ,can you extend that to money8 ,o4,m4 ,yes4 ,it is merely a symbol1 it has no material value2 you think you desire it for its own sake1 but it is not so4 ,you desire it for the spiritual content it will bring2 if it fail of that1 you discover that its value is gone4 ,there is that pathetic tale of the man who labored like a slave1 unresting1 unsatisfied1 until he had accumulated a fortune1 and was happy over it1 jubilant about it2 then in a single week a pestilence swept away all whom he held dear and left him desolate4 ,his money's value was gone4 ,he realized that his joy in it came not from the money itself1 but from the spiritual contentment he got out of his family's enjoyment of the pleasures and delights it lavished upon them4 ,money has no material value2 if you remove its spiritual value nothing is left but dross4 ,it is so with all things1 little or big1 majestic or trivial--there are no exceptions4 ,crowns1 scepters1 pennies1 paste jewels1 village notoriety1 world-wide fame--they are all the same1 they have no material value3 while they content the spirit they are precious1 when this fails they are worthless4 ,a ,difficult ,question ,y4,m4 ,you keep me confused and perplexed all the time by your elusive terminology4 ,sometimes you divide a man up into two or three separate personalities1 each with authorities1 jurisdictions1 and responsibilities of its own1 and when he is in that condition ,i can't grasp it4 ,now when ,i speak of a man1 he is the whole thing in one1 and easy to hold and contemplate4 ,o4,m4 ,that is pleasant and convenient1 if true4 ,when you speak of 8my body0 who is the 8my08 ,y4,m4 ,it is the 8me40 ,o4,m4 ,the body is a property then1 and the ,me owns it4 ,who is the ,me8 ,y4,m4 ,the ,me is the whole thing2 it is a common property2 an undivided ownership1 vested in the whole entity4 ,o4,m4 ,if the ,me admires a rainbow1 is it the whole ,me that admires it1 including the hair1 hands1 heels1 and all8 ,y4,m4 ,certainly not4 ,it is my mind that admires it4 ,o4,m4 ,so you divide the ,me yourself4 ,everybody does2 everybody must4 ,what1 then1 definitely1 is the ,me8 ,y4,m4 ,i think it must consist of just those two parts--the body and the mind4 ,o4,m4 ,you think so8 ,if you say 8,i believe the world is round10 who is the 8,i0 that is speaking8 ,y4,m4 ,the mind4 ,o4,m4 ,if you say 8,i grieve for the loss of my father10 who is the 8,i08 ,y4,m4 ,the mind4 ,o4,m4 ,is the mind exercising an intellectual function when it examines and accepts the evidence that the world is round8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,o4,m4 ,is it exercising an intellectual function when it grieves for the loss of your father8 ,y4,m4 ,that is not cerebration1 brain-work1 it is a matter of feeling4 ,o4,m4 ,then its source is not in your mind1 but in your moral territory8 ,y4,m4 ,i have to grant it4 ,o4,m4 ,is your mind a part of your physical equipment8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,it is independent of it2 it is spiritual4 ,o4,m4 ,being spiritual1 it cannot be affected by physical influences8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,o4,m4 ,does the mind remain sober with the body is drunk8 ,y4,m4 ,well--no4 ,o4,m4 ,there is a physical effect present1 then8 ,y4,m4 ,it looks like it4 ,o4,m4 ,a cracked skull has resulted in a crazy mind4 ,why should it happen if the mind is spiritual1 and independent of physical influences8 ,y4,m4 ,well--,i don't know4 ,o4,m4 ,when you have a pain in your foot1 how do you know it8 ,y4,m4 ,i feel it4 ,o4,m4 ,but you do not feel it until a nerve reports the hurt to the brain4 ,yet the brain is the seat of the mind1 is it not8 ,y4,m4 ,i think so4 ,o4,m4 ,but isn't spiritual enough to learn what is happening in the outskirts without the help of the physical messenger8 ,you perceive that the question of who or what the ,me is1 is not a simple one at all4 ,you say 8,i admire the rainbow10 and 8,i believe the world is round10 and in these cases we find that the ,me is not speaking1 but only the mental part4 ,you say1 8,i grieve10 and again the ,me is not all speaking1 but only the moral part4 ,you say the mind is wholly spiritual2 then you say 8,i have a pain0 and find that this time the ,me is mental and spiritual combined4 ,we all use the 8,i0 in this indeterminate fashion1 there is no help for it4 ,we imagine a ,master and ,king over what you call ,the ,whole ,thing1 and we speak of him as 8,i10 but when we try to define him we find we cannot do it4 ,the intellect and the feelings can act quite independently of each other2 we recognize that1 and we look around for a ,ruler who is master over both1 and can serve as a definite and indisputable 8,i10 and enable us to know what we mean and who or what we are talking about when we use that pronoun1 but we have to give it up and confess that we cannot find him4 ,to me1 ,man is a machine1 made up of many mechanisms1 the moral and mental ones acting automatically in accordance with the impulses of an interior ,master who is built out of born-temperament and an accumulation of multitudinous outside influences and trainings2 a machine whose one function is to secure the spiritual contentment of the ,master1 be his desires good or be they evil2 a machine whose ,will is absolute and must be obeyed1 and always is obeyed4 ,y4,m4 ,maybe the ,me is the ,soul8 ,o4,m4 ,maybe it is4 ,what is the ,soul8 ,y4,m4 ,i don't know4 ,o4,m4 ,neither does any one else4 ,the ,master ,passion ,y4,m4 ,what is the ,master8--or1 in common speech1 the ,conscience8 ,explain it4 ,o4,m4 ,it is that mysterious autocrat1 lodged in a man1 which compels the man to content its desires4 ,it may be called the ,master ,passion--the hunger for ,self-,approval4 ,y4,m4 ,where is its seat8 ,o4,m4 ,in man's moral constitution4 ,y4,m4 ,are its commands for the man's good8 ,o4,m4 ,it is indifferent to the man's good2 it never concerns itself about anything but the satisfying of its own desires4 ,it can be trained to prefer things which will be for the man's good1 but it will prefer them only because they will content it better than other things would4 ,y4,m4 ,then even when it is trained to high ideals it is still looking out for its own contentment1 and not for the man's good4 ,o4,m4 ,true4 ,trained or untrained1 it cares nothing for the man's good1 and never concerns itself about it4 ,y4,m4 ,it seems to be an immoral force seated in the man's moral constitution4 ,o4,m4 ,it is a colorless force seated in the man's moral constitution4 ,let us call it an instinct--a blind1 unreasoning instinct1 which cannot and does not distinguish between good morals and bad ones1 and cares nothing for results to the man provided its own contentment be secured2 and it will always secure that4 ,y4,m4 ,it seeks money1 and it probably considers that that is an advantage for the man8 ,o4,m4 ,it is not always seeking money1 it is not always seeking power1 nor office1 nor any other material advantage4 ,in all cases it seeks a spiritual contentment1 let the means be what they may4 ,its desires are determined by the man's temperament--and it is lord over that4 ,temperament1 ,conscience1 ,susceptibility1 ,spiritual ,appetite1 are1 in fact1 the same thing4 ,have you ever heard of a person who cared nothing for money8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,a scholar who would not leave his garret and his books to take a place in a business house at a large salary4 ,o4,m4 ,he had to satisfy his master--that is to say1 his temperament1 his ,spiritual ,appetite--and it preferred books to money4 ,are there other cases8 ,y4,m4 ,yes1 the hermit4 ,o4,m4 ,it is a good instance4 ,the hermit endures solitude1 hunger1 cold1 and manifold perils1 to content his autocrat1 who prefers these things1 and prayer and contemplation1 to money or to any show or luxury that money can buy4 ,are there others8 ,y4,m4 ,yes4 ,the artist1 the poet1 the scientist4 ,o4,m4 ,their autocrat prefers the deep pleasures of these occupations1 either well paid or ill paid1 to any others in the market1 at any price4 ,you realize that the ,master ,passion--the contentment of the spirit--concerns itself with many things besides so-called material advantage1 material prosperity1 cash1 and all that8 ,y4,m4 ,i think ,i must concede it4 ,o4,m4 ,i believe you must4 ,there are perhaps as many ,temperaments that would refuse the burdens and vexations and distinctions of public office as there are that hunger after them4 ,the one set of ,temperaments seek the contentment of the spirit1 and that alone2 and this is exactly the case with the other set4 ,neither set seeks anything but the contentment of the spirit4 ,if the one is sordid1 both are sordid2 and equally so1 since the end in view is precisely the same in both cases4 ,and in both cases ,temperament decides the preference--and ,temperament is born1 not made4 ,conclusion ,o4,m4 ,you have been taking a holiday8 ,y4,m4 ,yes2 a mountain tramp covering a week4 ,are you ready to talk8 ,o4,m4 ,quite ready4 ,what shall we begin with8 ,y4,m4 ,well1 lying abed resting up1 two days and nights1 ,i have thought over all these talks1 and passed them carefully in review4 ,with this result3 that444 that444 are you intending to publish your notions about ,man some day8 ,o4,m4 ,now and then1 in these past twenty years1 the ,master inside of me has half-intended to order me to set them to paper and publish them4 ,do ,i have to tell you why the order has remained unissued1 or can you explain so simple a thing without my help8 ,y4,m4 ,by your doctrine1 it is simplicity itself3 outside influences moved your interior ,master to give the order2 stronger outside influences deterred him4 ,without the outside influences1 neither of these impulses could ever have been born1 since a person's brain is incapable or originating an idea within itself4 ,o4,m4 ,correct4 ,go on4 ,y4,m4 ,the matter of publishing or withholding is still in your ,master's hands4 ,if some day an outside influence shall determine him to publish1 he will give the order1 and it will be obeyed4 ,o4,m4 ,that is correct4 ,well8 ,y4,m4 ,upon reflection ,i have arrived at the conviction that the publication of your doctrines would be harmful4 ,do you pardon me8 ,o4,m4 ,pardon you8 ,you have done nothing4 ,you are an instrument--a speaking-trumpet4 ,speaking-trumpets are not responsible for what is said through them4 ,outside influences--in the form of lifelong teachings1 trainings1 notions1 prejudices1 and other second-hand importations--have persuaded the ,master within you that the publication of these doctrines would be harmful4 ,very well1 this is quite natural1 and was to be expected2 in fact1 was inevitable4 ,go on2 for the sake of ease and convenience1 stick to habit3 speak in the first person1 and tell me what your ,master thinks about it4 ,y4,m4 ,well1 to begin3 it is a desolating doctrine2 it is not inspiring1 enthusing1 uplifting4 ,it takes the glory out of man1 it takes the pride out of him1 it takes the heroism out of him1 it denies him all personal credit1 all applause2 it not only degrades him to a machine1 but allows him no control over the machine2 makes a mere coffee-mill of him1 and neither permits him to supply the coffee nor turn the crank1 his sole and piteously humble function being to grind coarse or fine1 according to his make1 outside impulses doing the rest4 ,o4,m4 ,it is correctly stated4 ,tell me--what do men admire most in each other8 ,y4,m4 ,intellect1 courage1 majesty of build1 beauty of countenance1 charity1 benevolence1 magnanimity1 kindliness1 heroism1 and--and-- ,o4,m4 ,i would not go any further4 ,these are elementals4 ,virtue1 fortitude1 holiness1 truthfulness1 loyalty1 high ideals--these1 and all the related qualities that are named in the dictionary1 are made of the elementals1 by blendings1 combinations1 and shadings of the elementals1 just as one makes green by blending blue and yellow1 and makes several shades and tints of red by modifying the elemental red4 ,there are several elemental colors2 they are all in the rainbow2 out of them we manufacture and name fifty shades of them4 ,you have named the elementals of the human rainbow1 and also one blend --heroism1 which is made out of courage and magnanimity4 ,very well1 then2 which of these elements does the possessor of it manufacture for himself8 ,is it intellect8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,o4,m4 ,why8 ,y4,m4 ,he is born with it4 ,o4,m4 ,is it courage8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,he is born with it4 ,o4,m4 ,is it majesty of build1 beauty of countenance8 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,they are birthrights4 ,o4,m4 ,take those others--the elemental moral qualities--charity1 benevolence1 magnanimity1 kindliness2 fruitful seeds1 out of which spring1 through cultivation by outside influences1 all the manifold blends and combinations of virtues named in the dictionaries3 does man manufacture any of those seeds1 or are they all born in him8 ,y4,m4 ,born in him4 ,o4,m4 ,who manufactures them1 then8 ,y4,m4 ,god4 ,o4,m4 ,where does the credit of it belong8 ,y4,m4 ,to ,god4 ,o4,m4 ,and the glory of which you spoke1 and the applause8 ,y4,m4 ,to ,god4 ,o4,m4 ,then it is you who degrade man4 ,you make him claim glory1 praise1 flattery1 for every valuable thing he possesses--borrowed finery1 the whole of it2 no rag of it earned by himself1 not a detail of it produced by his own labor4 ,you make man a humbug2 have ,i done worse by him8 ,y4,m4 ,you have made a machine of him4 ,o4,m4 ,who devised that cunning and beautiful mechanism1 a man's hand8 ,y4,m4 ,god4 ,o4,m4 ,who devised the law by which it automatically hammers out of a piano an elaborate piece of music1 without error1 while the man is thinking about something else1 or talking to a friend8 ,y4,m4 ,god4 ,o4,m4 ,who devised the blood8 ,who devised the wonderful machinery which automatically drives its renewing and refreshing streams through the body1 day and night1 without assistance or advice from the man8 ,who devised the man's mind1 whose machinery works automatically1 interests itself in what it pleases1 regardless of its will or desire1 labors all night when it likes1 deaf to his appeals for mercy8 ,god devised all these things4 ,i have not made man a machine1 ,god made him a machine4 ,i am merely calling attention to the fact1 nothing more4 ,is it wrong to call attention to the fact8 ,is it a crime8 ,y4,m4 ,i think it is wrong to expose a fact when harm can come of it4 ,o4,m4 ,go on4 ,y4,m4 ,look at the matter as it stands now4 ,man has been taught that he is the supreme marvel of the ,creation2 he believes it2 in all the ages he has never doubted it1 whether he was a naked savage1 or clothed in purple and fine linen1 and civilized4 ,this has made his heart buoyant1 his life cheery4 ,his pride in himself1 his sincere admiration of himself1 his joy in what he supposed were his own and unassisted achievements1 and his exultation over the praise and applause which they evoked--these have exalted him1 enthused him1 ambitioned him to higher and higher flights2 in a word1 made his life worth the living4 ,but by your scheme1 all this is abolished2 he is degraded to a machine1 he is a nobody1 his noble prides wither to mere vanities2 let him strive as he may1 he can never be any better than his humblest and stupidest neighbor2 he would never be cheerful again1 his life would not be worth the living4 ,o4,m4 ,you really think that8 ,y4,m4 ,i certainly do4 ,o4,m4 ,have you ever seen me uncheerful1 unhappy4 ,y4,m4 ,no4 ,o4,m4 ,well1 ,i believe these things4 ,why have they not made me unhappy8 ,y4,m4 ,oh1 well--temperament1 of course6 ,you never let that escape from your scheme4 ,o4,m4 ,that is correct4 ,if a man is born with an unhappy temperament1 nothing can make him happy2 if he is born with a happy temperament1 nothing can make him unhappy4 ,y4,m4 ,what--not even a degrading and heart-chilling system of beliefs8 ,o4,m4 ,beliefs8 ,mere beliefs8 ,mere convictions8 ,they are powerless4 ,they strive in vain against inborn temperament4 ,y4,m4 ,i can't believe that1 and ,i don't4 ,o4,m4 ,now you are speaking hastily4 ,it shows that you have not studiously examined the facts4 ,of all your intimates1 which one is the happiest8 ,isn't it ,burgess8 ,y4,m4 ,easily4 ,o4,m4 ,and which one is the unhappiest8 ,henry ,adams8 ,y4,m4 ,without a question6 ,o4,m4 ,i know them well4 ,they are extremes1 abnormals2 their temperaments are as opposite as the poles4 ,their life-histories are about alike--but look at the results6 ,their ages are about the same--about around fifty4 ,burgess had always been buoyant1 hopeful1 happy2 ,adams has always been cheerless1 hopeless1 despondent4 ,as young fellows both tried country journalism--and failed4 ,burgess didn't seem to mind it2 ,adams couldn't smile1 he could only mourn and groan over what had happened and torture himself with vain regrets for not having done so and so instead of so and so--then he would have succeeded4 ,they tried the law--and failed4 ,burgess remained happy--because he couldn't help it4 ,adams was wretched--because he couldn't help it4 ,from that day to this1 those two men have gone on trying things and failing3 ,burgess has come out happy and cheerful every time2 ,adams the reverse4 ,and we do absolutely know that these men's inborn temperaments have remained unchanged through all the vicissitudes of their material affairs4 ,let us see how it is with their immaterials4 ,both have been zealous ,democrats2 both have been zealous ,republicans2 both have been zealous ,mugwumps4 ,burgess has always found happiness and ,adams unhappiness in these several political beliefs and in their migrations out of them4 ,both of these men have been ,presbyterians1 ,universalists1 ,methodists1 ,catholics--then ,presbyterians again1 then ,methodists again4 ,burgess has always found rest in these excursions1 and ,adams unrest4 ,they are trying ,christian ,science1 now1 with the customary result1 the inevitable result4 ,no political or religious belief can make ,burgess unhappy or the other man happy4 ,i assure you it is purely a matter of temperament4 ,beliefs are acquirements1 temperaments are born2 beliefs are subject to change1 nothing whatever can change temperament4 ,y4,m4 ,you have instanced extreme temperaments4 ,o4,m4 ,yes1 the half-dozen others are modifications of the extremes4 ,but the law is the same4 ,where the temperament is two-thirds happy1 or two-thirds unhappy1 no political or religious beliefs can change the proportions4 ,the vast majority of temperaments are pretty equally balanced2 the intensities are absent1 and this enables a nation to learn to accommodate itself to its political and religious circumstances and like them1 be satisfied with them1 at last prefer them4 ,nations do not think1 they only feel4 ,they get their feelings at second hand through their temperaments1 not their brains4 ,a nation can be brought--by force of circumstances1 not argument--to reconcile itself to any kind of government or religion that can be devised2 in time it will fit itself to the required conditions2 later1 it will prefer them and will fiercely fight for them4 ,as instances1 you have all history3 the ,greeks1 the ,romans1 the ,persians1 the ,egyptians1 the ,russians1 the ,germans1 the ,french1 the ,english1 the ,spaniards1 the ,americans1 the ,south ,americans1 the ,japanese1 the ,chinese1 the ,hindus1 the ,turks--a thousand wild and tame religions1 every kind of government that can be thought of1 from tiger to house-cat1 each nation knowing it has the only true religion and the only sane system of government1 each despising all the others1 each an ass and not suspecting it1 each proud of its fancied supremacy1 each perfectly sure it is the pet of ,god1 each without undoubting confidence summoning ,him to take command in time of war1 each surprised when ,he goes over to the enemy1 but by habit able to excuse it and resume compliments--in a word1 the whole human race content1 always content1 persistently content1 indestructibly content1 happy1 thankful1 proud1 no matter what its religion is1 nor whether its master be tiger or house-cat4 ,am ,i stating facts8 ,you know ,i am4 ,is the human race cheerful8 ,you know it is4 ,considering what it can stand1 and be happy1 you do me too much honor when you think that ,i can place before it a system of plain cold facts that can take the cheerfulness out of it4 ,nothing can do that4 ,everything has been tried4 ,without success4 ,i beg you not to be troubled4 ,,the ,,death ,,of ,,jean ,the death of ,jean ,clemens occurred early in the morning of ,december #bd1 #aiji4 ,mr4 ,clemens was in great stress of mind when ,i first saw him1 but a few hours later ,i found him writing steadily4 8,i am setting it down10 he said1 8everything4 ,it is a relief to me to write it4 ,it furnishes me an excuse for thinking40 ,at intervals during that day and the next ,i looked in1 and usually found him writing4 ,then on the evening of the #bfth1 when he knew that ,jean had been laid to rest in ,elmira1 he came to my room with the manuscript in his hand4 8,i have finished it10 he said2 8read it4 ,i can form no opinion of it myself4 ,if you think it worthy1 some day--at the proper time--it can end my autobiography4 ,it is the final chapter40 ,four months later--almost to the day--7,april #bast7 he was with ,jean4 ,albert ,bigelow ,paine4 ,stormfield1 ,christmas ,eve1 #aa ,a4,m41 #aiji4 ,,jean ,,is ,,dead6 ,has any one ever tried to put upon paper all the little happenings connected with a dear one--happenings of the twenty-four hours preceding the sudden and unexpected death of that dear one8 ,would a book contain them8 ,would two books contain them8 ,i think not4 ,they pour into the mind in a flood4 ,they are little things that have been always happening every day1 and were always so unimportant and easily forgettable before--but now6 ,now1 how different6 how precious they are1 how dear1 how unforgettable1 how pathetic1 how sacred1 how clothed with dignity6 ,last night ,jean1 all flushed with splendid health1 and ,i the same1 from the wholesome effects of my ,bermuda holiday1 strolled hand in hand from the dinner-table and sat down in the library and chatted1 and planned1 and discussed1 cheerily and happily 7and how unsuspectingly67--until nine--which is late for us--then went upstairs1 ,jean's friendly ,german dog following4 ,at my door ,jean said1 8,i can't kiss you good night1 father3 ,i have a cold1 and you could catch it40 ,i bent and kissed her hand4 ,she was moved--,i saw it in her eyes--and she impulsively kissed my hand in return4 ,then with the usual gay 8,sleep well1 dear60 from both1 we parted4 ,at half past seven this morning ,i woke1 and heard voices outside my door4 ,i said to myself1 8,jean is starting on her usual horseback flight to the station for the mail40 ,then ,katy#a entered1 stood quaking and gasping at my bedside a moment1 then found her tongue3 #a ,katy ,leary1 who had been in the service of the ,clemens family for twenty-nine years4 8,,miss ,,jean ,,is ,,dead60 ,possibly ,i know now what the soldier feels when a bullet crashes through his heart4 ,in her bathroom there she lay1 the fair young creature1 stretched upon the floor and covered with a sheet4 ,and looking so placid1 so natural1 and as if asleep4 ,we knew what had happened4 ,she was an epileptic3 she had been seized with a convulsion and heart failure in her bath4 ,the doctor had to come several miles4 ,his efforts1 like our previous ones1 failed to bring her back to life4 ,it is noon1 now4 ,how lovable she looks1 how sweet and how tranquil6 ,it is a noble face1 and full of dignity2 and that was a good heart that lies there so still4 ,in ,england1 thirteen years ago1 my wife and ,i were stabbed to the heart with a cablegram which said1 8,susy was mercifully released today40 ,i had to send a like shot to ,clara1 in ,berlin1 this morning4 ,with the peremptory addition1 8,you must not come home40 ,clara and her husband sailed from here on the #aath of this month4 ,how will ,clara bear it8 ,jean1 from her babyhood1 was a worshiper of ,clara4 ,four days ago ,i came back from a month's holiday in ,bermuda in perfected health2 but by some accident the reporters failed to perceive this4 ,day before yesterday1 letters and telegrams began to arrive from friends and strangers which indicated that ,i was supposed to be dangerously ill4 ,yesterday ,jean begged me to explain my case through the ,associated ,press4 ,i said it was not important enough2 but she was distressed and said ,i must think of ,clara4 ,clara would see the report in the ,german papers1 and as she had been nursing her husband day and night for four months#b and was worn out and feeble1 the shock might be disastrous4 ,there was reason in that2 so ,i sent a humorous paragraph by telephone to the ,associated ,press denying the 8charge0 that ,i was 8dying10 and saying 8,i would not do such a thing at my time of life40 #b ,mr4 ,gabrilowitsch had been operated on for appendicitis4 ,jean was a little troubled1 and did not like to see me treat the matter so lightly2 but ,i said it was best to treat it so1 for there was nothing serious about it4 ,this morning ,i sent the sorrowful facts of this day's irremediable disaster to the ,associated ,press4 ,will both appear in this evening's papers8--the one so blithe1 the other so tragic8 ,i lost ,susy thirteen years ago2 ,i lost her mother--her incomparable mother6--five and a half years ago2 ,clara has gone away to live in ,europe2 and now ,i have lost ,jean4 ,how poor ,i am1 who was once so rich6 ,seven months ago ,mr4 ,rogers died--one of the best friends ,i ever had1 and the nearest perfect1 as man and gentleman1 ,i have yet met among my race2 within the last six weeks ,gilder has passed away1 and ,laffan--old1 old friends of mine4 ,jean lies yonder1 ,i sit here2 we are strangers under our own roof2 we kissed hands good-by at this door last night--and it was forever1 we never suspecting it4 ,she lies there1 and ,i sit here--writing1 busying myself1 to keep my heart from breaking4 ,how dazzlingly the sunshine is flooding the hills around6 ,it is like a mockery4 ,seventy-four years old twenty-four days ago4 ,seventy-four years old yesterday4 ,who can estimate my age today8 ,i have looked upon her again4 ,i wonder ,i can bear it4 ,she looks just as her mother looked when she lay dead in that ,florentine villa so long ago4 ,the sweet placidity of death6 it is more beautiful than sleep4 ,i saw her mother buried4 ,i said ,i would never endure that horror again2 that ,i would never again look into the grave of any one dear to me4 ,i have kept to that4 ,they will take ,jean from this house tomorrow1 and bear her to ,elmira1 ,new ,york1 where lie those of us that have been released1 but ,i shall not follow4 ,jean was on the dock when the ship came in1 only four days ago4 ,she was at the door1 beaming a welcome1 when ,i reached this house the next evening4 ,we played cards1 and she tried to teach me a new game called 8,mark ,twain40 ,we sat chatting cheerily in the library last night1 and she wouldn't let me look into the loggia1 where she was making ,christmas preparations4 ,she said she would finish them in the morning1 and then her little ,french friend would arrive from ,new ,york--the surprise would follow2 the surprise she had been working over for days4 ,while she was out for a moment ,i disloyally stole a look4 ,the loggia floor was clothed with rugs and furnished with chairs and sofas2 and the uncompleted surprise was there3 in the form of a ,christmas tree that was drenched with silver film in a most wonderful way2 and on a table was a prodigal profusion of bright things which she was going to hang upon it today4 ,what desecrating hand will ever banish that eloquent unfinished surprise from that place8 ,not mine1 surely4 ,all these little matters have happened in the last four days4 8,little40 ,yes--then4 ,but not now4 ,nothing she said or thought or did is little now4 ,and all the lavish humor6--what is become of it8 ,it is pathos1 now4 ,pathos1 and the thought of it brings tears4 ,all these little things happened such a few hours ago--and now she lies yonder4 ,lies yonder1 and cares for nothing any more4 ,strange--marvelous--incredible6 ,i have had this experience before2 but it would still be incredible if ,i had had it a thousand times4 8,,miss ,,jean ,,is ,,dead60 ,that is what ,katy said4 ,when ,i heard the door open behind the bed's head without a preliminary knock1 ,i supposed it was ,jean coming to kiss me good morning1 she being the only person who was used to entering without formalities4 ,and so-- ,i have been to ,jean's parlor4 ,such a turmoil of ,christmas presents for servants and friends6 ,they are everywhere2 tables1 chairs1 sofas1 the floor--everything is occupied1 and over-occupied4 ,it is many and many a year since ,i have seen the like4 ,in that ancient day ,mrs4 ,clemens and ,i used to slip softly into the nursery at midnight on ,christmas ,eve and look the array of presents over4 ,the children were little then4 ,and now here is ,jean's parlor looking just as that nursery used to look4 ,the presents are not labeled--the hands are forever idle that would have labeled them today4 ,jean's mother always worked herself down with her ,christmas preparations4 ,jean did the same yesterday and the preceding days1 and the fatigue has cost her her life4 ,the fatigue caused the convulsion that attacked her this morning4 ,she had had no attack for months4 ,jean was so full of life and energy that she was constantly in danger of overtaxing her strength4 ,every morning she was in the saddle by half past seven1 and off to the station for her mail4 ,she examined the letters and ,i distributed them3 some to her1 some to ,mr4 ,paine1 the others to the stenographer and myself4 ,she dispatched her share and then mounted her horse again and went around superintending her farm and her poultry the rest of the day4 ,sometimes she played billiards with me after dinner1 but she was usually too tired to play1 and went early to bed4 ,yesterday afternoon ,i told her about some plans ,i had been devising while absent in ,bermuda1 to lighten her burdens4 ,we would get a housekeeper2 also we would put her share of the secretary-work into ,mr4 ,paine's hands4 ,no--she wasn't willing4 ,she had been making plans herself4 ,the matter ended in a compromise1 ,i submitted4 ,i always did4 ,she wouldn't audit the bills and let ,paine fill out the checks--she would continue to attend to that herself4 ,also1 she would continue to be housekeeper1 and let ,katy assist4 ,also1 she would continue to answer the letters of personal friends for me4 ,such was the compromise4 ,both of us called it by that name1 though ,i was not able to see where any formidable change had been made4 ,however1 ,jean was pleased1 and that was sufficient for me4 ,she was proud of being my secretary1 and ,i was never able to persuade her to give up any part of her share in that unlovely work4 ,in the talk last night ,i said ,i found everything going so smoothly that if she were willing ,i would go back to ,bermuda in ,february and get blessedly out of the clash and turmoil again for another month4 ,she was urgent that ,i should do it1 and said that if ,i would put off the trip until ,march she would take ,katy and go with me4 ,we struck hands upon that1 and said it was settled4 ,i had a mind to write to ,bermuda by tomorrow's ship and secure a furnished house and servants4 ,i meant to write the letter this morning4 ,but it will never be written1 now4 ,for she lies yonder1 and before her is another journey than that4 ,night is closing down2 the rim of the sun barely shows above the sky-line of the hills4 ,i have been looking at that face again that was growing dearer and dearer to me every day4 ,i was getting acquainted with ,jean in these last nine months4 ,she had been long an exile from home when she came to us three-quarters of a year ago4 ,she had been shut up in sanitariums1 many miles from us4 ,how eloquently glad and grateful she was to cross her father's threshold again6 ,would ,i bring her back to life if ,i could do it8 ,i would not4 ,if a word would do it1 ,i would beg for strength to withhold the word4 ,and ,i would have the strength2 ,i am sure of it4 ,in her loss ,i am almost bankrupt1 and my life is a bitterness1 but ,i am content3 for she has been enriched with the most precious of all gifts--that gift which makes all other gifts mean and poor--death4 ,i have never wanted any released friend of mine restored to life since ,i reached manhood4 ,i felt in this way when ,susy passed away2 and later my wife1 and later ,mr4 ,rogers4 ,when ,clara met me at the station in ,new ,york and told me ,mr4 ,rogers had died suddenly that morning1 my thought was1 ,oh1 favorite of fortune--fortunate all his long and lovely life--fortunate to his latest moment6 ,the reporters said there were tears of sorrow in my eyes4 ,true--but they were for me1 not for him4 ,he had suffered no loss4 ,all the fortunes he had ever made before were poverty compared with this one4 ,why did ,i build this house1 two years ago8 ,to shelter this vast emptiness8 ,how foolish ,i was6 ,but ,i shall stay in it4 ,the spirits of the dead hallow a house1 for me4 ,it was not so with other members of my family4 ,susy died in the house we built in ,hartford4 ,mrs4 ,clemens would never enter it again4 ,but it made the house dearer to me4 ,i have entered it once since1 when it was tenantless and silent and forlorn1 but to me it was a holy place and beautiful4 ,it seemed to me that the spirits of the dead were all about me1 and would speak to me and welcome me if they could3 ,livy1 and ,susy1 and ,george1 and ,henry ,robinson1 and ,charles ,dudley ,warner4 ,how good and kind they were1 and how lovable their lives6 ,in fancy ,i could see them all again1 ,i could call the children back and hear them romp again with ,george--that peerless black ex-slave and children's idol who came one day--a flitting stranger--to wash windows1 and stayed eighteen years4 ,until he died4 ,clara and ,jean would never enter again the ,new ,york hotel which their mother had frequented in earlier days4 ,they could not bear it4 ,but ,i shall stay in this house4 ,it is dearer to me tonight than ever it was before4 ,jean's spirit will make it beautiful for me always4 ,her lonely and tragic death--but ,i will not think of that now4 ,jean's mother always devoted two or three weeks to ,christmas shopping1 and was always physically exhausted when ,christmas ,eve came4 ,jean was her very own child--she wore herself out present-hunting in ,new ,york these latter days4 ,paine has just found on her desk a long list of names--fifty1 he thinks--people to whom she sent presents last night4 ,apparently she forgot no one4 ,and ,katy found there a roll of bank-notes1 for the servants4 ,her dog has been wandering about the grounds today1 comradeless and forlorn4 ,i have seen him from the windows4 ,she got him from ,germany4 ,he has tall ears and looks exactly like a wolf4 ,he was educated in ,germany1 and knows no language but the ,german4 ,jean gave him no orders save in that tongue4 ,and so when the burglar-alarm made a fierce clamor at midnight a fortnight ago1 the butler1 who is ,french and knows no ,german1 tried in vain to interest the dog in the supposed burglar4 ,jean wrote me1 to ,bermuda1 about the incident4 ,it was the last letter ,i was ever to receive from her bright head and her competent hand4 ,the dog will not be neglected4 ,there was never a kinder heart than ,jean's4 ,from her childhood up she always spent the most of her allowance on charities of one kind and another4 ,after she became secretary and had her income doubled she spent her money upon these things with a free hand4 ,mine too1 ,i am glad and grateful to say4 ,she was a loyal friend to all animals1 and she loved them all1 birds1 beasts1 and everything--even snakes--an inheritance from me4 ,she knew all the birds2 she was high up in that lore4 ,she became a member of various humane societies when she was still a little girl--both here and abroad--and she remained an active member to the last4 ,she founded two or three societies for the protection of animals1 here and in ,europe4 ,she was an embarrassing secretary1 for she fished my correspondence out of the waste-basket and answered the letters4 ,she thought all letters deserved the courtesy of an answer4 ,her mother brought her up in that kindly error4 ,she could write a good letter1 and was swift with her pen4 ,she had but an indifferent ear for music1 but her tongue took to languages with an easy facility4 ,she never allowed her ,italian1 ,french1 and ,german to get rusty through neglect4 ,the telegrams of sympathy are flowing in1 from far and wide1 now1 just as they did in ,italy five years and a half ago1 when this child's mother laid down her blameless life4 ,they cannot heal the hurt1 but they take away some of the pain4 ,when ,jean and ,i kissed hands and parted at my door last1 how little did we imagine that in twenty-two hours the telegraph would be bringing words like these3 8,from the bottom of our hearts we send our sympathy1 dearest of friends40 ,for many and many a day to come1 wherever ,i go in this house1 remembrancers of ,jean will mutely speak to me of her4 ,who can count the number of them8 ,she was in exile two years with the hope of healing her malady--epilepsy4 ,there are no words to express how grateful ,i am that she did not meet her fate in the hands of strangers1 but in the loving shelter of her own home4 8,,miss ,,jean ,,is ,,dead60 ,it is true4 ,jean is dead4 ,a month ago ,i was writing bubbling and hilarious articles for magazines yet to appear1 and now ,i am writing--this4 ,,christmas ,,day4 ,,noon4--,last night ,i went to ,jean's room at intervals1 and turned back the sheet and looked at the peaceful face1 and kissed the cold brow1 and remembered that heartbreaking night in ,florence so long ago1 in that cavernous and silent vast villa1 when ,i crept downstairs so many times1 and turned back a sheet and looked at a face just like this one--,jean's mother's face--and kissed a brow that was just like this one4 ,and last night ,i saw again what ,i had seen then--that strange and lovely miracle--the sweet1 soft contours of early maidenhood restored by the gracious hand of death6 ,when ,jean's mother lay dead1 all trace of care1 and trouble1 and suffering1 and the corroding years had vanished out of the face1 and ,i was looking again upon it as ,i had known and worshiped it in its young bloom and beauty a whole generation before4 ,about three in the morning1 while wandering about the house in the deep silences1 as one does in times like these1 when there is a dumb sense that something has been lost that will never be found again1 yet must be sought1 if only for the employment the useless seeking gives1 ,i came upon ,jean's dog in the hall downstairs1 and noted that he did not spring to greet me1 according to his hospitable habit1 but came slow and sorrowfully2 also ,i remembered that he had not visited ,jean's apartment since the tragedy4 ,poor fellow1 did he know8 ,i think so4 ,always when ,jean was abroad in the open he was with her2 always when she was in the house he was with her1 in the night as well as in the day4 ,her parlor was his bedroom4 ,whenever ,i happened upon him on the ground floor he always followed me about1 and when ,i went upstairs he went too--in a tumultuous gallop4 ,but now it was different3 after patting him a little ,i went to the library--he remained behind2 when ,i went upstairs he did not follow me1 save with his wistful eyes4 ,he has wonderful eyes--big1 and kind1 and eloquent4 ,he can talk with them4 ,he is a beautiful creature1 and is of the breed of the ,new ,york police-dogs4 ,i do not like dogs1 because they bark when there is no occasion for it2 but ,i have liked this one from the beginning1 because he belonged to ,jean1 and because he never barks except when there is occasion--which is not oftener than twice a week4 ,in my wanderings ,i visited ,jean's parlor4 ,on a shelf ,i found a pile of my books1 and ,i knew what it meant4 ,she was waiting for me to come home from ,bermuda and autograph them1 then she would send them away4 ,if ,i only knew whom she intended them for6 ,but ,i shall never know4 ,i will keep them4 ,her hand has touched them--it is an accolade--they are noble1 now4 ,and in a closet she had hidden a surprise for me--a thing ,i have often wished ,i owned3 a noble big globe4 ,i couldn't see it for the tears4 ,she will never know the pride ,i take in it1 and the pleasure4 ,today the mails are full of loving remembrances for her3 full of those old1 old kind words she loved so well1 8,merry ,christmas to ,jean60 ,if she could only have lived one day longer6 ,at last she ran out of money1 and would not use mine4 ,so she sent to one of those ,new ,york homes for poor girls all the clothes she could spare--and more1 most likely4 ,,christmas ,,night4--,this afternoon they took her away from her room4 ,as soon as ,i might1 ,i went down to the library1 and there she lay1 in her coffin1 dressed in exactly the same clothes she wore when she stood at the other end of the same room on the #fth of ,october last1 as ,clara's chief bridesmaid4 ,her face was radiant with happy excitement then2 it was the same face now1 with the dignity of death and the peace of ,god upon it4 ,they told me the first mourner to come was the dog4 ,he came uninvited1 and stood up on his hind legs and rested his fore paws upon the trestle1 and took a last long look at the face that was so dear to him1 then went his way as silently as he had come4 ,he knows4 ,at mid-afternoon it began to snow4 ,the pity of it--that ,jean could not see it6 ,she so loved the snow4 ,the snow continued to fall4 ,at six o'clock the hearse drew up to the door to bear away its pathetic burden4 ,as they lifted the casket1 ,paine began playing on the orchestrelle ,schubert's 8,impromptu10 which was ,jean's favorite4 ,then he played the ,intermezzo2 that was for ,susy2 then he played the ,largo2 that was for their mother4 ,he did this at my request4 ,elsewhere in my ,autobiography ,i have told how the ,intermezzo and the ,largo came to be associated in my heart with ,susy and ,livy in their last hours in this life4 ,from my windows ,i saw the hearse and the carriages wind along the road and gradually grow vague and spectral in the falling snow1 and presently disappear4 ,jean was gone out of my life1 and would not come back any more4 ,jervis1 the cousin she had played with when they were babies together--he and her beloved old ,katy--were conducting her to her distant childhood home1 where she will lie by her mother's side once more1 in the company of ,susy and ,langdon4 ,,december #bf,,th4 ,the dog came to see me at eight o'clock this morning4 ,he was very affectionate1 poor orphan6 ,my room will be his quarters hereafter4 ,the storm raged all night4 ,it has raged all the morning4 ,the snow drives across the landscape in vast clouds1 superb1 sublime--and ,jean not here to see4 #b3cj ,p4,m4--,it is the time appointed4 ,the funeral has begun4 ,four hundred miles away1 but ,i can see it all1 just as if ,i were there4 ,the scene is the library in the ,langdon homestead4 ,jean's coffin stands where her mother and ,i stood1 forty years ago1 and were married2 and where ,susy's coffin stood thirteen years ago2 where her mother's stood five years and a half ago2 and where mine will stand after a little time4 ,,five ,o',,clock4--,it is all over4 ,when ,clara went away two weeks ago to live in ,europe1 it was hard1 but ,i could bear it1 for ,i had ,jean left4 ,i said we would be a family4 ,we said we would be close comrades and happy--just we two4 ,that fair dream was in my mind when ,jean met me at the steamer last ,monday2 it was in my mind when she received me at the door last ,tuesday evening4 ,we were together2 ,,we ,,were ,a ,,family6 the dream had come true--oh1 precisely true1 contentedly1 true1 satisfyingly true6 and remained true two whole days4 ,and now8 ,now ,jean is in her grave6 ,in the grave--if ,i can believe it4 ,god rest her sweet spirit6 ,,the ,,turning-,,point ,,of ,,my ,,life ,i ,if ,i understand the idea1 the ,bazar invites several of us to write upon the above text4 ,it means the change in my life's course which introduced what must be regarded by me as the most important condition of my career4 ,but it also implies--without intention1 perhaps--that that turning-point itself was the creator of the new condition4 ,this gives it too much distinction1 too much prominence1 too much credit4 ,it is only the last link in a very long chain of turning-points commissioned to produce the cardinal result2 it is not any more important than the humblest of its ten thousand predecessors4 ,each of the ten thousand did its appointed share1 on its appointed date1 in forwarding the scheme1 and they were all necessary2 to have left out any one of them would have defeated the scheme and brought about some other result4 ,i know we have a fashion of saying 8such and such an event was the turning-point in my life10 but we shouldn't say it4 ,we should merely grant that its place as ,,last link in the chain makes it the most conspicuous link2 in real importance it has no advantage over any one of its predecessors4 ,perhaps the most celebrated turning-point recorded in history was the crossing of the ,rubicon4 ,suetonius says3 ,coming up with his troops on the banks of the ,rubicon1 he halted for a while1 and1 revolving in his mind the importance of the step he was on the point of taking1 he turned to those about him and said1 8,we may still retreat2 but if we pass this little bridge1 nothing is left for us but to fight it out in arms40 ,this was a stupendously important moment4 ,and all the incidents1 big and little1 of ,caesar's previous life had been leading up to it1 stage by stage1 link by link4 ,this was the last link--merely the last one1 and no bigger than the others2 but as we gaze back at it through the inflating mists of our imagination1 it looks as big as the orbit of ,neptune4 ,you1 the reader1 have a personal interest in that link1 and so have ,i2 so has the rest of the human race4 ,it was one of the links in your life-chain1 and it was one of the links in mine4 ,we may wait1 now1 with bated breath1 while ,caesar reflects4 ,your fate and mine are involved in his decision4 ,while he was thus hesitating1 the following incident occurred4 ,a person remarked for his noble mien and graceful aspect appeared close at hand1 sitting and playing upon a pipe4 ,when not only the shepherds1 but a number of soldiers also1 flocked to listen to him1 and some trumpeters among them1 he snatched a trumpet from one of them1 ran to the river with it1 and1 sounding the advance with a piercing blast1 crossed to the other side4 ,upon this1 ,caesar exclaimed3 8,let us go whither the omens of the gods and the iniquity of our enemies call us4 ,the ,die ,is ,cast40 ,so he crossed--and changed the future of the whole human race1 for all time4 ,but that stranger was a link in ,caesar's life-chain1 too2 and a necessary one4 ,we don't know his name1 we never hear of him again2 he was very casual2 he acts like an accident2 but he was no accident1 he was there by compulsion of ,,his life-chain1 to blow the electrifying blast that was to make up ,caesar's mind for him1 and thence go piping down the aisles of history forever4 ,if the stranger hadn't been there6 ,but he ,,was4 ,and ,caesar crossed4 ,with such results6 ,such vast events--each a link in the human race's life-chain2 each event producing the next one1 and that one the next one1 and so on3 the destruction of the republic2 the founding of the empire2 the breaking up of the empire2 the rise of ,christianity upon its ruins2 the spread of the religion to other lands--and so on2 link by link took its appointed place at its appointed time1 the discovery of ,america being one of them2 our ,revolution another2 the inflow of ,english and other immigrants another2 their drift westward 7my ancestors among them7 another2 the settlement of certain of them in ,missouri1 which resulted in ,,me4 ,for ,i was one of the unavoidable results of the crossing of the ,rubicon4 ,if the stranger1 with his trumpet blast1 had stayed away 7which he couldn't1 for he was an appointed link7 ,caesar would not have crossed4 ,what would have happened1 in that case1 we can never guess4 ,we only know that the things that did happen would not have happened4 ,they might have been replaced by equally prodigious things1 of course1 but their nature and results are beyond our guessing4 ,but the matter that interests me personally is that ,i would not be here now1 but somewhere else2 and probably black--there is no telling4 ,very well1 ,i am glad he crossed4 ,and very really and thankfully glad1 too1 though ,i never cared anything about it before4 ,,ii ,to me1 the most important feature of my life is its literary feature4 ,i have been professionally literary something more than forty years4 ,there have been many turning-points in my life1 but the one that was the last link in the chain appointed to conduct me to the literary guild is the most conspicuous link in that chain4 because it was the last one4 ,it was not any more important than its predecessors4 ,all the other links have an inconspicuous look1 except the crossing of the ,rubicon2 but as factors in making me literary they are all of the one size1 the crossing of the ,rubicon included4 ,i know how ,i came to be literary1 and ,i will tell the steps that lead up to it and brought it about4 ,the crossing of the ,rubicon was not the first one1 it was hardly even a recent one2 ,i should have to go back ages before ,caesar's day to find the first one4 ,to save space ,i will go back only a couple of generations and start with an incident of my boyhood4 ,when ,i was twelve and a half years old1 my father died4 ,it was in the spring4 ,the summer came1 and brought with it an epidemic of measles4 ,for a time a child died almost every day4 ,the village was paralyzed with fright1 distress1 despair4 ,children that were not smitten with the disease were imprisoned in their homes to save them from the infection4 ,in the homes there were no cheerful faces1 there was no music1 there was no singing but of solemn hymns1 no voice but of prayer1 no romping was allowed1 no noise1 no laughter1 the family moved spectrally about on tiptoe1 in a ghostly hush4 ,i was a prisoner4 ,my soul was steeped in this awful dreariness--and in fear4 ,at some time or other every day and every night a sudden shiver shook me to the marrow1 and ,i said to myself1 8,there1 ,i've got it6 and ,i shall die40 ,life on these miserable terms was not worth living1 and at last ,i made up my mind to get the disease and have it over1 one way or the other4 ,i escaped from the house and went to the house of a neighbor where a playmate of mine was very ill with the malady4 ,when the chance offered ,i crept into his room and got into bed with him4 ,i was discovered by his mother and sent back into captivity4 ,but ,i had the disease2 they could not take that from me4 ,i came near to dying4 ,the whole village was interested1 and anxious1 and sent for news of me every day2 and not only once a day1 but several times4 ,everybody believed ,i would die2 but on the fourteenth day a change came for the worse and they were disappointed4 ,this was a turning-point of my life4 7,link number one47 ,for when ,i got well my mother closed my school career and apprenticed me to a printer4 ,she was tired of trying to keep me out of mischief1 and the adventure of the measles decided her to put me into more masterful hands than hers4 ,i became a printer1 and began to add one link after another to the chain which was to lead me into the literary profession4 ,a long road1 but ,i could not know that2 and as ,i did not know what its goal was1 or even that it had one1 ,i was indifferent4 ,also contented4 ,a young printer wanders around a good deal1 seeking and finding work2 and seeking again1 when necessity commands4 ,n4 ,b4 ,necessity is a ,,circumstance2 ,circumstance is man's master--and when ,circumstance commands1 he must obey2 he may argue the matter--that is his privilege1 just as it is the honorable privilege of a falling body to argue with the attraction of gravitation--but it won't do any good1 he must ,,obey4 ,i wandered for ten years1 under the guidance and dictatorship of ,circumstance1 and finally arrived in a city of ,iowa1 where ,i worked several months4 ,among the books that interested me in those days was one about the ,amazon4 ,the traveler told an alluring tale of his long voyage up the great river from ,para to the sources of the ,madeira1 through the heart of an enchanted land1 a land wastefully rich in tropical wonders1 a romantic land where all the birds and flowers and animals were of the museum varieties1 and where the alligator and the crocodile and the monkey seemed as much at home as if they were in the ,zoo4 ,also1 he told an astonishing tale about ,,coca1 a vegetable product of miraculous powers1 asserting that it was so nourishing and so strength-giving that the native of the mountains of the ,madeira region would tramp up hill and down all day on a pinch of powdered coca and require no other sustenance4 ,i was fired with a longing to ascend the ,amazon4 ,also with a longing to open up a trade in coca with all the world4 ,during months ,i dreamed that dream1 and tried to contrive ways to get to ,para and spring that splendid enterprise upon an unsuspecting planet4 ,but all in vain4 ,a person may ,,plan as much as he wants to1 but nothing of consequence is likely to come of it until the magician circumstance steps in and takes the matter off his hands4 ,at last ,circumstance came to my help4 ,it was in this way4 ,circumstance1 to help or hurt another man1 made him lose a fifty-dollar bill in the street2 and to help or hurt me1 made me find it4 ,i advertised the find1 and left for the ,amazon the same day4 ,this was another turning-point1 another link4 ,could ,circumstance have ordered another dweller in that town to go to the ,amazon and open up a world-trade in coca on a fifty-dollar basis and been obeyed8 ,no1 ,i was the only one4 ,there were other fools there--shoals and shoals of them--but they were not of my kind4 ,i was the only one of my kind4 ,circumstance is powerful1 but it cannot work alone2 it has to have a partner4 ,its partner is man's temperament--his natural disposition4 ,his temperament is not his invention1 it is born in him1 and he has no authority over it1 neither is he responsible for its acts4 ,he cannot change it1 nothing can change it1 nothing can modify it--except temporarily4 ,but it won't stay modified4 ,it is permanent1 like the color of the man's eyes and the shape of his ears4 ,blue eyes are gray in certain unusual lights2 but they resume their natural color when that stress is removed4 ,a ,circumstance that will coerce one man will have no effect upon a man of a different temperament4 ,if ,circumstance had thrown the bank-note in ,caesar's way1 his temperament would not have made him start for the ,amazon4 ,his temperament would have compelled him to do something with the money1 but not that4 ,it might have made him advertise the note--and ,,wait4 ,we can't tell4 ,also1 it might have made him go to ,new ,york and buy into the ,government1 with results that would leave ,tweed nothing to learn when it came his turn4 ,very well1 ,circumstance furnished the capital1 and my temperament told me what to do with it4 ,sometimes a temperament is an ass4 ,when that is the case the owner of it is an ass1 too1 and is going to remain one4 ,training1 experience1 association1 can temporarily so polish him1 improve him1 exalt him that people will think he is a mule1 but they will be mistaken4 ,artificially he ,,is a mule1 for the time being1 but at bottom he is an ass yet1 and will remain one4 ,by temperament ,i was the kind of person that ,,does things4 ,does them1 and reflects afterward4 ,so ,i started for the ,amazon without reflecting and without asking any questions4 ,that was more than fifty years ago4 ,in all that time my temperament has not changed1 by even a shade4 ,i have been punished many and many a time1 and bitterly1 for doing things and reflecting afterward1 but these tortures have been of no value to me2 ,i still do the thing commanded by ,circumstance and ,temperament1 and reflect afterward4 ,always violently4 ,when ,i am reflecting1 on those occasions1 even deaf persons can hear me think4 ,i went by the way of ,cincinnati1 and down the ,ohio and ,mississippi4 ,my idea was to take ship1 at ,new ,orleans1 for ,para4 ,in ,new ,orleans ,i inquired1 and found there was no ship leaving for ,para4 ,also1 that there never had ,,been one leaving for ,para4 ,i reflected4 ,a policeman came and asked me what ,i was doing1 and ,i told him4 ,he made me move on1 and said if he caught me reflecting in the public street again he would run me in4 ,after a few days ,i was out of money4 ,then ,circumstance arrived1 with another turning-point of my life--a new link4 ,on my way down1 ,i had made the acquaintance of a pilot4 ,i begged him to teach me the river1 and he consented4 ,i became a pilot4 ,by and by ,circumstance came again--introducing the ,civil ,war1 this time1 in order to push me ahead another stage or two toward the literary profession4 ,the boats stopped running1 my livelihood was gone4 ,circumstance came to the rescue with a new turning-point and a fresh link4 ,my brother was appointed secretary to the new ,territory of ,nevada1 and he invited me to go with him and help him in his office4 ,i accepted4 ,in ,nevada1 ,circumstance furnished me the silver fever and ,i went into the mines to make a fortune1 as ,i supposed2 but that was not the idea4 ,the idea was to advance me another step toward literature4 ,for amusement ,i scribbled things for the ,virginia ,city ,enterprise4 ,one isn't a printer ten years without setting up acres of good and bad literature1 and learning--unconsciously at first1 consciously later--to discriminate between the two1 within his mental limitations2 and meantime he is unconsciously acquiring what is called a 8style40 ,one of my efforts attracted attention1 and the ,enterprise sent for me and put me on its staff4 ,and so ,i became a journalist--another link4 ,by and by ,circumstance and the ,sacramento union sent me to the ,sandwich ,islands for five or six months1 to write up sugar4 ,i did it2 and threw in a good deal of extraneous matter that hadn't anything to do with sugar4 ,but it was this extraneous matter that helped me to another link4 ,it made me notorious1 and ,san ,francisco invited me to lecture4 ,which ,i did4 ,and profitably4 ,i had long had a desire to travel and see the world1 and now ,circumstance had most kindly and unexpectedly hurled me upon the platform and furnished me the means4 ,so ,i joined the 8,quaker ,city ,excursion40 ,when ,i returned to ,america1 ,circumstance was waiting on the pier--with the last link--the conspicuous1 the consummating1 the victorious link3 ,i was asked to write a book1 and ,i did it1 and called it ,the ,innocents ,abroad4 ,thus ,i became at last a member of the literary guild4 ,that was forty-two years ago1 and ,i have been a member ever since4 ,leaving the ,rubicon incident away back where it belongs1 ,i can say with truth that the reason ,i am in the literary profession is because ,i had the measles when ,i was twelve years old4 ,,iii ,now what interests me1 as regards these details1 is not the details themselves1 but the fact that none of them was foreseen by me1 none of them was planned by me1 ,i was the author of none of them4 ,circumstance1 working in harness with my temperament1 created them all and compelled them all4 ,i often offered help1 and with the best intentions1 but it was rejected--as a rule1 uncourteously4 ,i could never plan a thing and get it to come out the way ,i planned it4 ,it came out some other way--some way ,i had not counted upon4 ,and so ,i do not admire the human being--as an intellectual marvel--as much as ,i did when ,i was young1 and got him out of books1 and did not know him personally4 ,when ,i used to read that such and such a general did a certain brilliant thing1 ,i believed it4 ,whereas it was not so4 ,circumstance did it by help of his temperament4 ,the circumstance would have failed of effect with a general of another temperament3 he might see the chance1 but lose the advantage by being by nature too slow or too quick or too doubtful4 ,once ,general ,grant was asked a question about a matter which had been much debated by the public and the newspapers2 he answered the question without any hesitancy4 8,general1 who planned the march through ,georgia80 8,the enemy60 ,he added that the enemy usually makes your plans for you4 ,he meant that the enemy by neglect or through force of circumstances leaves an opening for you1 and you see your chance and take advantage of it4 ,circumstances do the planning for us all1 no doubt1 by help of our temperaments4 ,i see no great difference between a man and a watch1 except that the man is conscious and the watch isn't1 and the man ,,tries to plan things and the watch doesn't4 ,the watch doesn't wind itself and doesn't regulate itself--these things are done exteriorly4 ,outside influences1 outside circumstances1 wind the ,,man and regulate him4 ,left to himself1 he wouldn't get regulated at all1 and the sort of time he would keep would not be valuable4 ,some rare men are wonderful watches1 with gold case1 compensation balance1 and all those things1 and some men are only simple and sweet and humble ,waterburys4 ,i am a ,waterbury4 ,a ,waterbury of that kind1 some say4 ,a nation is only an individual multiplied4 ,it makes plans and ,circumstance comes and upsets them--or enlarges them4 ,some patriots throw the tea overboard2 some other patriots destroy a ,bastille4 ,the ,,plans stop there2 then ,circumstance comes in1 quite unexpectedly1 and turns these modest riots into a revolution4 ,and there was poor ,columbus4 ,he elaborated a deep plan to find a new route to an old country4 ,circumstance revised his plan for him1 and he found a new world4 ,and he gets the credit of it to this day4 ,he hadn't anything to do with it4 ,necessarily the scene of the real turning-point of my life 7and of yours7 was the ,garden of ,eden4 ,it was there that the first link was forged of the chain that was ultimately to lead to the emptying of me into the literary guild4 ,adam's ,,temperament was the first command the ,deity ever issued to a human being on this planet4 ,and it was the only command ,adam would ,,never be able to disobey4 ,it said1 8,be weak1 be water1 be characterless1 be cheaply persuadable40 ,the latter command1 to let the fruit alone1 was certain to be disobeyed4 ,not by ,adam himself1 but by his temperament--which he did not create and had no authority over4 ,for the temperament is the man2 the thing tricked out with clothes and named ,man is merely its ,shadow1 nothing more4 ,the law of the tiger's temperament is1 ,thou shalt kill2 the law of the sheep's temperament is ,thou shalt not kill4 ,to issue later commands requiring the tiger to let the fat stranger alone1 and requiring the sheep to imbue its hands in the blood of the lion is not worth while1 for those commands can',t be obeyed4 ,they would invite to violations of the law of temperament1 which is supreme1 and takes precedence of all other authorities4 ,i cannot help feeling disappointed in ,adam and ,eve4 ,that is1 in their temperaments4 ,not in them1 poor helpless young creatures--afflicted with temperaments made out of butter2 which butter was commanded to get into contact with fire and be melted4 ,what ,i cannot help wishing is1 that ,adam and ,,eve had been postponed1 and ,martin ,luther and ,joan of ,arc put in their place--that splendid pair equipped with temperaments not made of butter1 but of asbestos4 ,by neither sugary persuasions nor by hell fire could ,satan have beguiled them to eat the apple4 ,there would have been results6 ,indeed1 yes4 ,the apple would be intact today2 there would be no human race2 there would be no ,,you2 there would be no me4 ,and the old1 old creation-dawn scheme of ultimately launching me into the literary guild would have been defeated4 ,,how ,,to ,,make ,,history ,,dates ,,stick ,these chapters are for children1 and ,i shall try to make the words large enough to command respect4 ,in the hope that you are listening1 and that you have confidence in me1 ,i will proceed4 ,dates are difficult things to acquire2 and after they are acquired it is difficult to keep them in the head4 ,but they are very valuable4 ,they are like the cattle-pens of a ranch--they shut in the several brands of historical cattle1 each within its own fence1 and keep them from getting mixed together4 ,dates are hard to remember because they consist of figures2 figures are monotonously unstriking in appearance1 and they don't take hold1 they form no pictures1 and so they give the eye no chance to help4 ,pictures are the thing4 ,pictures can make dates stick4 ,they can make nearly anything stick--particularly if you make the pictures yourself4 ,indeed1 that is the great point--make the pictures yourself4 ,i know about this from experience4 ,thirty years ago ,i was delivering a memorized lecture every night1 and every night ,i had to help myself with a page of notes to keep from getting myself mixed4 ,the notes consisted of beginnings of sentences1 and were eleven in number1 and they ran something like this3 8,in that region the weather--0 8at that time it was a custom--0 8but in california one never heard--0 ,eleven of them4 ,they initialed the brief divisions of the lecture and protected me against skipping4 ,but they all looked about alike on the page2 they formed no picture2 ,i had them by heart1 but ,i could never with certainty remember the order of their succession2 therefore ,i always had to keep those notes by me and look at them every little while4 ,once ,i mislaid them2 you will not be able to imagine the terrors of that evening4 ,i now saw that ,i must invent some other protection4 ,so ,i got ten of the initial letters by heart in their proper order--,i1 ,a1 ,b1 and so on--and ,i went on the platform the next night with these marked in ink on my ten finger-nails4 ,but it didn't answer4 ,i kept track of the fingers for a while2 then ,i lost it1 and after that ,i was never quite sure which finger ,i had used last4 ,i couldn't lick off a letter after using it1 for while they could have made success certain it would also have provoked too much curiosity4 ,there was curiosity enough without that4 ,to the audience ,i seemed more interested in my fingernails than ,i was in my subject2 one or two persons asked me afterward what was the matter with my hands4 ,it was now that the idea of pictures occurred to me2 then my troubles passed away4 ,in two minutes ,i made six pictures with a pen1 and they did the work of the eleven catch-sentences1 and did it perfectly4 ,i threw the pictures away as soon as they were made1 for ,i was sure ,i could shut my eyes and see them any time4 ,that was a quarter of a century ago2 the lecture vanished out of my head more than twenty years ago1 but ,i could rewrite it from the pictures--for they remain4 ,here are three of them3 7,fig4 #a74 ,the first one is a haystack--below it a rattlesnake--and it told me where to begin to talk ranch-life in ,carson ,valley4 ,the second one told me where to begin to talk about a strange and violent wind that used to burst upon ,carson ,city from the ,sierra ,nevadas every afternoon at two o'clock and try to blow the town away4 ,the third picture1 as you easily perceive1 is lightning2 its duty was to remind me when it was time to begin to talk about ,san ,francisco weather1 where there ,,is no lightning--nor thunder1 either--and it never failed me4 ,i will give you a valuable hint4 ,when a man is making a speech and you are to follow him don't jot down notes to speak from1 jot down ,,pictures4 ,it is awkward and embarrassing to have to keep referring to notes2 and besides it breaks up your speech and makes it ragged and non-coherent2 but you can tear up your pictures as soon as you have made them--they will stay fresh and strong in your memory in the order and sequence in which you scratched them down4 ,and many will admire to see what a good memory you are furnished with1 when perhaps your memory is not any better than mine4 ,sixteen years ago when my children were little creatures the governess was trying to hammer some primer histories into their heads4 ,part of this fun--if you like to call it that--consisted in the memorizing of the accession dates of the thirty-seven personages who had ruled over ,england from the ,conqueror down4 ,these little people found it a bitter1 hard contract4 ,it was all dates1 they all looked alike1 and they wouldn't stick4 ,day after day of the summer vacation dribbled by1 and still the kings held the fort2 the children couldn't conquer any six of them4 ,with my lecture experience in mind ,i was aware that ,i could invent some way out of the trouble with pictures1 but ,i hoped a way could be found which would let them romp in the open air while they learned the kings4 ,i found it1 and then they mastered all the monarchs in a day or two4 ,the idea was to make them see the reigns with their eyes2 that would be a large help4 ,we were at the farm then4 ,from the house-porch the grounds sloped gradually down to the lower fence and rose on the right to the high ground where my small work-den stood4 ,a carriage-road wound through the grounds and up the hill4 ,i staked it out with the ,english monarchs1 beginning with the ,conqueror1 and you could stand on the porch and clearly see every reign and its length1 from the ,conquest down to ,victoria1 then in the forty-sixth year of her reign--eight hundred and seventeen years of ,english history under your eye at once6 ,english history was an unusually live topic in ,america just then4 ,the world had suddenly realized that while it was not noticing the ,queen had passed ,henry ,,viii41 passed ,henry ,,vi4 and ,elizabeth1 and gaining in length every day4 ,her reign had entered the list of the long ones2 everybody was interested now--it was watching a race4 ,would she pass the long ,edward8 ,there was a possibility of it4 ,would she pass the long ,henry8 ,doubtful1 most people said4 ,the long ,george8 ,impossible6 ,everybody said it4 ,but we have lived to see her leave him two years behind4 ,i measured off #hag feet of the roadway1 a foot representing a year1 and at the beginning and end of each reign ,i drove a three-foot white-pine stake in the turf by the roadside and wrote the name and dates on it4 ,abreast the middle of the porch-front stood a great granite flower-vase overflowing with a cataract of bright-yellow flowers--,i can't think of their name4 ,the vase was ,william the ,conqueror4 ,we put his name on it and his accession date1 #ajff4 ,we started from that and measured off twenty-one feet of the road1 and drove ,william ,rufus's stake2 then thirteen feet and drove the first ,henry's stake2 then thirty-five feet and drove ,stephen's2 then nineteen feet1 which brought us just past the summer-house on the left2 then we staked out thirty-five1 ten1 and seventeen for the second ,henry and ,richard and ,john2 turned the curve and entered upon just what was needed for ,henry ,,iii4--a level1 straight stretch of fifty-six feet of road without a crinkle in it4 ,and it lay exactly in front of the house1 in the middle of the grounds4 ,there couldn't have been a better place for that long reign2 you could stand on the porch and see those two wide-apart stakes almost with your eyes shut4 7,fig4 #b47 ,that isn't the shape of the road--,i have bunched it up like that to save room4 ,the road had some great curves in it1 but their gradual sweep was such that they were no mar to history4 ,no1 in our road one could tell at a glance who was who by the size of the vacancy between stakes--with locality to help1 of course4 ,although ,i am away off here in a ,swedish village#c and those stakes did not stand till the snow came1 ,i can see them today as plainly as ever2 and whenever ,i think of an ,english monarch his stakes rise before me of their own accord and ,i notice the large or small space which he takes up on our road4 ,are your kings spaced off in your mind8 ,when you think of ,richard ,,iii4 and of ,james ,,ii4 do the durations of their reigns seem about alike to you8 ,it isn't so to me2 ,i always notice that there's a foot's difference4 ,when you think of ,henry ,,iii4 do you see a great long stretch of straight road8 ,i do2 and just at the end where it joins on to ,edward ,i4 ,i always see a small pear-bush with its green fruit hanging down4 ,when ,i think of the ,commonwealth ,i see a shady little group of these small saplings which we called the oak parlor2 when ,i think of ,george ,,iii4 ,i see him stretching up the hill1 part of him occupied by a flight of stone steps2 and ,i can locate ,stephen to an inch when he comes into my mind1 for he just filled the stretch which went by the summer-house4 ,victoria's reign reached almost to my study door on the first little summit2 there's sixteen feet to be added now2 ,i believe that that would carry it to a big pine-tree that was shattered by some lightning one summer when it was trying to hit me4 #c ,summer of #ahii4 ,we got a good deal of fun out of the history road2 and exercise1 too4 ,we trotted the course from the conqueror to the study1 the children calling out the names1 dates1 and length of reigns as we passed the stakes1 going a good gait along the long reigns1 but slowing down when we came upon people like ,mary and ,edward ,,vi41 and the short ,stuart and ,plantagenet1 to give time to get in the statistics4 ,i offered prizes1 too--apples4 ,i threw one as far as ,i could send it1 and the child that first shouted the reign it fell in got the apple4 ,the children were encouraged to stop locating things as being 8over by the arbor10 or 8in the oak parlor10 or 8up at the stone steps10 and say instead that the things were in ,stephen1 or in the ,commonwealth1 or in ,george ,,iii4 ,they got the habit without trouble4 ,to have the long road mapped out with such exactness was a great boon for me1 for ,i had the habit of leaving books and other articles lying around everywhere1 and had not previously been able to definitely name the place1 and so had often been obliged to go to fetch them myself1 to save time and failure2 but now ,i could name the reign ,i left them in1 and send the children4 ,next ,i thought ,i would measure off the ,french reigns1 and peg them alongside the ,english ones1 so that we could always have contemporaneous ,french history under our eyes as we went our ,english rounds4 ,we pegged them down to the ,hundred ,years' ,war1 then threw the idea aside1 ,i do not now remember why4 ,after that we made the ,english pegs fence in ,european and ,american history as well as ,english1 and that answered very well4 ,english and alien poets1 statesmen1 artists1 heroes1 battles1 plagues1 cataclysms1 revolutions--we shoveled them all into the ,english fences according to their dates4 ,do you understand8 ,we gave ,washington's birth to ,george ,,ii4's pegs and his death to ,george ,,iii4's2 ,george ,,ii4 got the ,lisbon earthquake and ,george ,,iii4 the ,declaration of ,independence4 ,goethe1 ,shakespeare1 ,napoleon1 ,savonarola1 ,joan of ,arc1 the ,french ,revolution1 the ,edict of ,nantes1 ,clive1 ,wellington1 ,waterloo1 ,plassey1 ,patay1 ,cowpens1 ,saratoga1 the ,battle of the ,boyne1 the invention of the logarithms1 the microscope1 the steam-engine1 the telegraph--anything and everything all over the world--we dumped it all in among the ,english pegs according to its date and regardless of its nationality4 ,if the road-pegging scheme had not succeeded ,i should have lodged the kings in the children's heads by means of pictures--that is1 ,i should have tried4 ,it might have failed1 for the pictures could only be effective when made by the pupil2 not the master1 for it is the work put upon the drawing that makes the drawing stay in the memory1 and my children were too little to make drawings at that time4 ,and1 besides1 they had no talent for art1 which is strange1 for in other ways they are like me4 ,but ,i will develop the picture plan now1 hoping that you will be able to use it4 ,it will come good for indoors when the weather is bad and one cannot go outside and peg a road4 ,let us imagine that the kings are a procession1 and that they have come out of the ,ark and down ,ararat for exercise and are now starting back again up the zigzag road4 ,this will bring several of them into view at once1 and each zigzag will represent the length of a king's reign4 ,and so on4 ,you will have plenty of space1 for by my project you will use the parlor wall4 ,you do not mark on the wall2 that would cause trouble4 ,you only attach bits of paper to it with pins or thumb-tacks4 ,these will leave no mark4 ,take your pen now1 and twenty-one pieces of white paper1 each two inches square1 and we will do the twenty-one years of the ,conqueror's reign4 ,on each square draw a picture of a whale and write the dates and term of service4 ,we choose the whale for several reasons3 its name and ,william's begin with the same letter2 it is the biggest fish that swims1 and ,william is the most conspicuous figure in ,english history in the way of a landmark2 finally1 a whale is about the easiest thing to draw4 ,by the time you have drawn twenty-one wales and written 8,william ,i4--#ajff-ajhg--twenty-one years0 twenty-one times1 those details will be your property2 you cannot dislodge them from your memory with anything but dynamite4 ,i will make a sample for you to copy3 7,fig4 #c74 ,i have got his chin up too high1 but that is no matter2 he is looking for ,harold4 ,it may be that a whale hasn't that fin up there on his back1 but ,i do not remember2 and so1 since there is a doubt1 it is best to err on the safe side4 ,he looks better1 anyway1 than he would without it4 ,be very careful and attentive while you are drawing your first whale from my sample and writing the word and figures under it1 so that you will not need to copy the sample any more4 ,compare your copy with the sample2 examine closely2 if you find you have got everything right and can shut your eyes and see the picture and call the words and figures1 then turn the sample and copy upside down and make the next copy from memory2 and also the next and next1 and so on1 always drawing and writing from memory until you have finished the whole twenty-one4 ,this will take you twenty minutes1 or thirty1 and by that time you will find that you can make a whale in less time than an unpracticed person can make a sardine2 also1 up to the time you die you will always be able to furnish ,william's dates to any ignorant person that inquires after them4 ,you will now take thirteen pieces of ,,blue paper1 each two inches square1 and do ,william ,,ii4 7,fig4 #d47 ,make him spout his water forward instead of backward2 also make him small1 and stick a harpoon in him and give him that sick look in the eye4 ,otherwise you might seem to be continuing the other ,william1 and that would be confusing and a damage4 ,it is quite right to make him small2 he was only about a ,no4 #aa whale1 or along there somewhere2 there wasn't room in him for his father's great spirit4 ,the barb of that harpoon ought not to show like that1 because it is down inside the whale and ought to be out of sight1 but it cannot be helped2 if the barb were removed people would think some one had stuck a whip-stock into the whale4 ,it is best to leave the barb the way it is1 then every one will know it is a harpoon and attending to business4 ,remember--draw from the copy only once2 make your other twelve and the inscription from memory4 ,now the truth is that whenever you have copied a picture and its inscription once from my sample and two or three times from memory the details will stay with you and be hard to forget4 ,after that1 if you like1 you may make merely the whale's head and water-spout for the ,conqueror till you end his reign1 each time saying the inscription in place of writing it2 and in the case of ,william ,,ii4 make the harpoon alone1 and say over the inscription each time you do it4 ,you see1 it will take nearly twice as long to do the first set as it will to do the second1 and that will give you a marked sense of the difference in length of the two reigns4 ,next do ,henry ,i4 on thirty-five squares of red paper4 7,fig4 #e47 ,that is a hen1 and suggests ,henry by furnishing the first syllable4 ,when you have repeated the hen and the inscription until you are perfectly sure of them1 draw merely the hen's head the rest of the thirty-five times1 saying over the inscription each time4 ,thus3 7,fig4 #f74 ,you begin to understand now how this procession is going to look when it is on the wall4 ,first there will be the ,conqueror's twenty-one whales and water-spouts1 the twenty-one white squares joined to one another and making a white stripe three and one-half feet long2 the thirteen blue squares of ,william ,,ii4 will be joined to that--a blue stripe two feet1 two inches long1 followed by ,henry's red stripe five feet1 ten inches long1 and so on4 ,the colored divisions will smartly show to the eye the difference in the length of the reigns and impress the proportions on the memory and the understanding4 7,fig4 #g47 ,stephen of ,blois comes next4 ,he requires nineteen two-inch squares of yellow paper4 7,fig4 #h47 ,that is a steer4 ,the sound suggests the beginning of ,stephen's name4 ,i choose it for that reason4 ,i can make a better steer than that when ,i am not excited4 ,but this one will do4 ,it is a good-enough steer for history4 ,the tail is defective1 but it only wants straightening out4 ,next comes ,henry ,,ii4 ,give him thirty-five squares of red paper4 ,these hens must face west1 like the former ones4 7,fig4 #i47 ,this hen differs from the other one4 ,he is on his way to inquire what has been happening in ,canterbury4 ,now we arrive at ,richard ,i41 called ,richard of the ,lion-heart because he was a brave fighter and was never so contented as when he was leading crusades in ,palestine and neglecting his affairs at home4 ,give him ten squares of white paper4 7,fig4 #aj74 ,that is a lion4 ,his office is to remind you of the lion-hearted ,richard4 ,there is something the matter with his legs1 but ,i do not quite know what it is1 they do not seem right4 ,i think the hind ones are the most unsatisfactory2 the front ones are well enough1 though it would be better if they were rights and lefts4 ,next comes ,king ,john1 and he was a poor circumstance4 ,he was called ,lackland4 ,he gave his realm to the ,pope4 ,let him have seventeen squares of yellow paper4 7,fig4 #aa47 ,that creature is a jamboree4 ,it looks like a trademark1 but that is only an accident and not intentional4 ,it is prehistoric and extinct4 ,it used to roam the earth in the ,old ,silurian times1 and lay eggs and catch fish and climb trees and live on fossils2 for it was of a mixed breed1 which was the fashion then4 ,it was very fierce1 and the ,old ,silurians were afraid of it1 but this is a tame one4 ,physically it has no representative now1 but its mind has been transmitted4 ,first ,i drew it sitting down1 but have turned it the other way now because ,i think it looks more attractive and spirited when one end of it is galloping4 ,i love to think that in this attitude it gives us a pleasant idea of ,john coming all in a happy excitement to see what the barons have been arranging for him at ,runnymede1 while the other one gives us an idea of him sitting down to wring his hands and grieve over it4 ,we now come to ,henry ,,iii42 red squares again1 of course--fifty-six of them4 ,we must make all the ,henrys the same color2 it will make their long reigns show up handsomely on the wall4 ,among all the eight ,henrys there were but two short ones4 ,a lucky name1 as far as longevity goes4 ,the reigns of six of the ,henrys cover #bbg years4 ,it might have been well to name all the royal princes ,henry1 but this was overlooked until it was too late4 7,fig4 #ab47 ,this is the best one yet4 ,he is on his way 7#abfe7 to have a look at the first ,house of ,commons in ,english history4 ,it was a monumental event1 the situation of the ,house1 and was the second great liberty landmark which the century had set up4 ,i have made ,henry looking glad1 but this was not intentional4 ,edward ,i4 comes next2 light-brown paper1 thirty-five squares4 7,fig4 #ac47 ,that is an editor4 ,he is trying to think of a word4 ,he props his feet on the chair1 which is the editor's way2 then he can think better4 ,i do not care much for this one2 his ears are not alike2 still1 editor suggests the sound of ,edward1 and he will do4 ,i could make him better if ,i had a model1 but ,i made this one from memory4 ,but it is no particular matter2 they all look alike1 anyway4 ,they are conceited and troublesome1 and don't pay enough4 ,edward was the first really ,english king that had yet occupied the throne4 ,the editor in the picture probably looks just as ,edward looked when it was first borne in upon him that this was so4 ,his whole attitude expressed gratification and pride mixed with stupefaction and astonishment4 ,edward ,,ii4 now2 twenty blue squares4 7,fig4 #ad47 ,another editor4 ,that thing behind his ear is his pencil4 ,whenever he finds a bright thing in your manuscript he strikes it out with that4 ,that does him good1 and makes him smile and show his teeth1 the way he is doing in the picture4 ,this one has just been striking out a smart thing1 and now he is sitting there with his thumbs in his vest-holes1 gloating4 ,they are full of envy and malice1 editors are4 ,this picture will serve to remind you that ,edward ,,ii4 was the first ,english king who was deposed4 ,upon demand1 he signed his deposition himself4 ,he had found kingship a most aggravating and disagreeable occupation1 and you can see by the look of him that he is glad he resigned4 ,he has put his blue pencil up for good now4 ,he had struck out many a good thing with it in his time4 ,edward ,,iii4 next2 fifty red squares4 7,fig4 #ae47 ,this editor is a critic4 ,he has pulled out his carving-knife and his tomahawk and is starting after a book which he is going to have for breakfast4 ,this one's arms are put on wrong4 ,i did not notice it at first1 but ,i see it now4 ,somehow he has got his right arm on his left shoulder1 and his left arm on the right shoulder1 and this shows us the back of his hands in both instances4 ,it makes him left-handed all around1 which is a thing which has never happened before1 except perhaps in a museum4 ,that is the way with art1 when it is not acquired but born to you3 you start in to make some simple little thing1 not suspecting that your genius is beginning to work and swell and strain in secret1 and all of a sudden there is a convulsion and you fetch out something astonishing4 ,this is called inspiration4 ,it is an accident2 you never know when it is coming4 ,i might have tried as much as a year to think of such a strange thing as an all-around left-handed man and ,i could not have done it1 for the more you try to think of an unthinkable thing the more it eludes you2 but it can't elude inspiration2 you have only to bait with inspiration and you will get it every time4 ,look at ,botticelli's 8,spring40 ,those snaky women were unthinkable1 but inspiration secured them for us1 thanks to goodness4 ,it is too late to reorganize this editor-critic now2 we will leave him as he is4 ,he will serve to remind us4 ,richard ,,ii4 next2 twenty-two white squares4 7,fig4 #af47 ,we use the lion again because this is another ,richard4 ,like ,edward ,,ii41 he was deposed4 ,he is taking a last sad look at his crown before they take it away4 ,there was not room enough and ,i have made it too small2 but it never fitted him1 anyway4 ,now we turn the corner of the century with a new line of monarchs--the ,lancastrian kings4 ,henry ,,iv42 fourteen squares of yellow paper4 7,fig4 #ag47 ,this hen has laid the egg of a new dynasty and realizes the imposing magnitude of the event4 ,she is giving notice in the usual way4 ,you notice ,i am improving in the construction of hens4 ,at first ,i made them too much like other animals1 but this one is orthodox4 ,i mention this to encourage you4 ,you will find that the more you practice the more accurate you will become4 ,i could always draw animals1 but before ,i was educated ,i could not tell what kind they were when ,i got them done1 but now ,i can4 ,keep up your courage2 it will be the same with you1 although you may not think it4 ,this ,henry died the year after ,joan of ,arc was born4 ,henry ,v42 nine blue squares4 7,fig4 #ah7 ,there you see him lost in meditation over the monument which records the amazing figures of the battle of ,agincourt4 ,french history says #bj1jjj ,englishmen routed #hj1jjj ,frenchmen there2 and ,english historians say that the ,french loss1 in killed and wounded1 was #fj1jjj4 ,henry ,,vi42 thirty-nine red squares4 7,fig4 #ai7 ,this is poor ,henry ,,vi41 who reigned long and scored many misfortunes and humiliations4 ,also two great disasters3 he lost ,france to ,joan of ,arc and he lost the throne and ended the dynasty which ,henry ,,iv4 had started in business with such good prospects4 ,in the picture we see him sad and weary and downcast1 with the scepter falling from his nerveless grasp4 ,it is a pathetic quenching of a sun which had risen in such splendor4 ,edward ,,iv42 twenty-two light-brown squares4 7,fig4 #bj47 ,that is a society editor1 sitting there elegantly dressed1 with his legs crossed in that indolent way1 observing the clothes the ladies wear1 so that he can describe them for his paper and make them out finer than they are and get bribes for it and become wealthy4 ,that flower which he is wearing in his buttonhole is a rose--a white rose1 a ,york rose--and will serve to remind us of the ,war of the ,roses1 and that the white one was the winning color when ,edward got the throne and dispossessed the ,lancastrian dynasty4 ,edward ,v42 one-third of a black square4 7,fig4 #ba47 ,his uncle ,richard had him murdered in the tower4 ,when you get the reigns displayed upon the wall this one will be conspicuous and easily remembered4 ,it is the shortest one in ,english history except ,lady ,jane ,grey's1 which was only nine days4 ,she is never officially recognized as a monarch of ,england1 but if you or ,i should ever occupy a throne we should like to have proper notice taken of it2 and it would be only fair and right1 too1 particularly if we gained nothing by it and lost our lives besides4 ,richard ,,iii42 two white squares4 7,fig4 #bb47 ,that is not a very good lion1 but ,richard was not a very good king4 ,you would think that this lion has two heads1 but that is not so2 one is only a shadow4 ,there would be shadows for the rest of him1 but there was not light enough to go round1 it being a dull day1 with only fleeting sun-glimpses now and then4 ,richard had a humped back and a hard heart1 and fell at the battle of ,bosworth4 ,i do not know the name of that flower in the pot1 but we will use it as ,richard's trade-mark1 for it is said that it grows in only one place in the world--,bosworth ,field--and tradition says it never grew there until ,richard's royal blood warmed its hidden seed to life and made it grow4 ,henry ,,vii42 twenty-four blue squares4 7,fig4 #bc47 ,henry ,,vii4 had no liking for wars and turbulence2 he preferred peace and quiet and the general prosperity which such conditions create4 ,he liked to sit on that kind of eggs on his own private account as well as the nation's1 and hatch them out and count up the result4 ,when he died he left his heir #b1jjj1jjj pounds1 which was a most unusual fortune for a king to possess in those days4 ,columbus's great achievement gave him the discovery-fever1 and he sent ,sebastian ,cabot to the ,new ,world to search out some foreign territory for ,england4 ,that is ,cabot's ship up there in the corner4 ,this was the first time that ,england went far abroad to enlarge her estate--but not the last4 ,henry ,,viii42 thirty-eight red squares4 7,fig4 #bd47 ,that is ,henry ,,viii4 suppressing a monastery in his arrogant fashion4 ,edward ,,vi42 six squares of yellow paper4 7,fig4 #be47 ,he is the last ,edward to date4 ,it is indicated by that thing over his head1 which is a last--shoemaker's last4 ,mary2 five squares of black paper4 7,fig4 #bf47 ,the picture represents a burning martyr4 ,he is in back of the smoke4 ,the first three letters of ,mary's name and the first three of the word martyr are the same4 ,martyrdom was going out in her day and martyrs were becoming scarcer1 but she made several4 ,for this reason she is sometimes called ,bloody ,mary4 ,this brings us to the reign of ,elizabeth1 after passing through a period of nearly five hundred years of ,england's history--#dib to be exact4 ,i think you may now be trusted to go the rest of the way without further lessons in art or inspirations in the matter of ideas4 ,you have the scheme now1 and something in the ruler's name or career will suggest the pictorial symbol4 ,the effort of inventing such things will not only help your memory1 but will develop originality in art4 ,see what it has done for me4 ,if you do not find the parlor wall big enough for all of ,england's history1 continue it into the dining-room and into other rooms4 ,this will make the walls interesting and instructive and really worth something instead of being just flat things to hold the house together4 ,,the ,,memorable ,,assassination ,note4--,the assassination of the ,empress of ,austria at ,geneva1 ,september #aj1 #ahih1 occurred during ,mark ,twain's ,austrian residence4 ,the news came to him at ,kaltenleutgeben1 a summer resort a little way out of ,vienna4 ,to his friend1 the ,rev4 ,jos4 ,h4 ,twichell1 he wrote3 8,that good and unoffending lady1 the ,empress1 is killed by a madman1 and ,i am living in the midst of world-history again4 ,the ,queen's ,jubilee last year1 the invasion of the ,reichsrath by the police1 and now this murder1 which will still be talked of and described and painted a thousand years from now4 ,to have a personal friend of the wearer of two crowns burst in at the gate in the deep dusk of the evening and say1 in a voice broken with tears1 #8,my ,god6 the ,empress is murdered1' and fly toward her home before we can utter a question--why1 it brings the giant event home to you1 makes you a part of it and personally interested2 it is as if your neighbor1 ,antony1 should come flying and say1 #8,caesar is butchered--the head of the world is fallen6' 8,of course there is no talk but of this4 ,the mourning is universal and genuine1 the consternation is stupefying4 ,the ,austrian ,empire is being draped with black4 ,vienna will be a spectacle to see by next ,saturday1 when the funeral cortege marches40 ,he was strongly moved by the tragedy1 impelled to write concerning it4 ,he prepared the article which here follows1 but did not offer it for publication1 perhaps feeling that his own close association with the court circles at the moment prohibited this personal utterance4 ,there appears no such reason for withholding its publication now4 ,a4 ,b4 ,p4 ,the more one thinks of the assassination1 the more imposing and tremendous the event becomes4 ,the destruction of a city is a large event1 but it is one which repeats itself several times in a thousand years2 the destruction of a third part of a nation by plague and famine is a large event1 but it has happened several times in history2 the murder of a king is a large event1 but it has been frequent4 ,the murder of an empress is the largest of all large events4 ,one must go back about two thousand years to find an instance to put with this one4 ,the oldest family of unchallenged descent in ,christendom lives in ,rome and traces its line back seventeen hundred years1 but no member of it has been present in the earth when an empress was murdered1 until now4 ,many a time during these seventeen centuries members of that family have been startled with the news of extraordinary events--the destruction of cities1 the fall of thrones1 the murder of kings1 the wreck of dynasties1 the extinction of religions1 the birth of new systems of government2 and their descendants have been by to hear of it and talk about it when all these things were repeated once1 twice1 or a dozen times--but to even that family has come news at last which is not staled by use1 has no duplicates in the long reach of its memory4 ,it is an event which confers a curious distinction upon every individual now living in the world3 he has stood alive and breathing in the presence of an event such as has not fallen within the experience of any traceable or untraceable ancestor of his for twenty centuries1 and it is not likely to fall within the experience of any descendant of his for twenty more4 ,time has made some great changes since the ,roman days4 ,the murder of an empress then--even the assassination of ,caesar himself--could not electrify the world as this murder has electrified it4 ,for one reason1 there was then not much of a world to electrify2 it was a small world1 as to known bulk1 and it had rather a thin population1 besides2 and for another reason1 the news traveled so slowly that its tremendous initial thrill wasted away1 week by week and month by month1 on the journey1 and by the time it reached the remoter regions there was but little of it left4 ,it was no longer a fresh event1 it was a thing of the far past2 it was not properly news1 it was history4 ,but the world is enormous now1 and prodigiously populated--that is one change2 and another is the lightning swiftness of the flight of tidings1 good and bad4 8,the ,empress is murdered60 ,when those amazing words struck upon my ear in this ,austrian village last ,saturday1 three hours after the disaster1 ,i knew that it was already old news in ,london1 ,paris1 ,berlin1 ,new ,york1 ,san ,francisco1 ,japan1 ,china1 ,melbourne1 ,cape ,town1 ,bombay1 ,madras1 ,calcutta1 and that the entire globe with a single voice1 was cursing the perpetrator of it4 ,since the telegraph first began to stretch itself wider and wider about the earth1 larger and increasingly larger areas of the world have1 as time went on1 received simultaneously the shock of a great calamity2 but this is the first time in history that the entire surface of the globe has been swept in a single instant with the thrill of so gigantic an event4 ,and who is the miracle-worker who has furnished to the world this spectacle8 ,all the ironies are compacted in the answer4 ,he is at the bottom of the human ladder1 as the accepted estimates of degree and value go3 a soiled and patched young loafer1 without gifts1 without talents1 without education1 without morals1 without character1 without any born charm or any acquired one that wins or beguiles or attracts2 without a single grace of mind or heart or hand that any tramp or prostitute could envy him2 an unfaithful private in the ranks1 an incompetent stone-cutter1 an inefficient lackey2 in a word1 a mangy1 offensive1 empty1 unwashed1 vulgar1 gross1 mephitic1 timid1 sneaking1 human polecat4 ,and it was within the privileges and powers of this sarcasm upon the human race to reach up--up--up--and strike from its far summit in the social skies the world's accepted ideal of ,glory and ,might and ,splendor and ,sacredness6 ,it realizes to us what sorry shows and shadows we are4 ,without our clothes and our pedestals we are poor things and much of a size2 our dignities are not real1 our pomps are shams4 ,at our best and stateliest we are not suns1 as we pretended1 and teach1 and believe1 but only candles2 and any bummer can blow us out4 ,and now we get realized to us once more another thing which we often forget--or try to3 that no man has a wholly undiseased mind2 that in one way or another all men are mad4 ,many are mad for money4 ,when this madness is in a mild form it is harmless and the man passes for sane2 but when it develops powerfully and takes possession of the man1 it can make him cheat1 rob1 and kill2 and when he has got his fortune and lost it again it can land him in the asylum or the suicide's coffin4 ,love is a madness2 if thwarted it develops fast2 it can grow to a frenzy of despair and make an otherwise sane and highly gifted prince1 like ,rudolph1 throw away the crown of an empire and snuff out his own life4 ,all the whole list of desires1 predilections1 aversions1 ambitions1 passions1 cares1 griefs1 regrets1 remorses1 are incipient madness1 and ready to grow1 spread1 and consume1 when the occasion comes4 ,there are no healthy minds1 and nothing saves any man but accident--the accident of not having his malady put to the supreme test4 ,one of the commonest forms of madness is the desire to be noticed1 the pleasure derived from being noticed4 ,perhaps it is not merely common1 but universal4 ,in its mildest form it doubtless is universal4 ,every child is pleased at being noticed2 many intolerable children put in their whole time in distressing and idiotic effort to attract the attention of visitors2 boys are always 8showing off02 apparently all men and women are glad and grateful when they find that they have done a thing which has lifted them for a moment out of obscurity and caused wondering talk4 ,this common madness can develop1 by nurture1 into a hunger for notoriety in one1 for fame in another4 ,it is this madness for being noticed and talked about which has invented kingship and the thousand other dignities1 and tricked them out with pretty and showy fineries2 it has made kings pick one another's pockets1 scramble for one another's crowns and estates1 slaughter one another's subjects2 it has raised up prize-fighters1 and poets1 and village mayors1 and little and big politicians1 and big and little charity-founders1 and bicycle champions1 and banditti chiefs1 and frontier desperadoes1 and ,napoleons4 ,anything to get notoriety2 anything to set the village1 or the township1 or the city1 or the ,state1 or the nation1 or the planet shouting1 8,look--there he goes--that is the man60 ,and in five minutes' time1 at no cost of brain1 or labor1 or genius this mangy ,italian tramp has beaten them all1 transcended them all1 outstripped them all1 for in time their names will perish2 but by the friendly help of the insane newspapers and courts and kings and historians1 his is safe to live and thunder in the world all down the ages as long as human speech shall endure6 ,oh1 if it were not so tragic how ludicrous it would be6 ,she was so blameless1 the ,empress2 and so beautiful1 in mind and heart1 in person and spirit2 and whether with a crown upon her head or without it and nameless1 a grace to the human race1 and almost a justification of its creation2 would be1 indeed1 but that the animal that struck her down re-establishes the doubt4 ,in her character was every quality that in woman invites and engages respect1 esteem1 affection1 and homage4 ,her tastes1 her instincts1 and her aspirations were all high and fine and all her life her heart and brain were busy with activities of a noble sort4 ,she had had bitter griefs1 but they did not sour her spirit1 and she had had the highest honors in the world's gift1 but she went her simple way unspoiled4 ,she knew all ranks1 and won them all1 and made them her friends4 ,an ,english fisherman's wife said1 8,when a body was in trouble she didn't send her help1 she brought it herself40 ,crowns have adorned others1 but she adorned her crowns4 ,it was a swift celebrity the assassin achieved4 ,and it is marked by some curious contrasts4 ,at noon last ,saturday there was no one in the world who would have considered acquaintanceship with him a thing worth claiming or mentioning2 no one would have been vain of such an acquaintanceship2 the humblest honest boot-black would not have valued the fact that he had met him or seen him at some time or other2 he was sunk in abysmal obscurity1 he was away beneath the notice of the bottom grades of officialdom4 ,three hours later he was the one subject of conversation in the world1 the gilded generals and admirals and governors were discussing him1 all the kings and queens and emperors had put aside their other interests to talk about him4 ,and wherever there was a man1 at the summit of the world or the bottom of it1 who by chance had at some time or other come across that creature1 he remembered it with a secret satisfaction1 and mentioned it--for it was a distinction1 now6 ,it brings human dignity pretty low1 and for a moment the thing is not quite realizable--but it is perfectly true4 ,if there is a king who can remember1 now1 that he once saw that creature in a time past1 he has let that fact out1 in a more or less studiedly casual and indifferent way1 some dozens of times during the past week4 ,for a king is merely human2 the inside of him is exactly like the inside of any other person2 and it is human to find satisfaction in being in a kind of personal way connected with amazing events4 ,we are all privately vain of such a thing2 we are all alike2 a king is a king by accident2 the reason the rest of us are not kings is merely due to another accident2 we are all made out of the same clay1 and it is a sufficiently poor quality4 ,below the kings1 these remarks are in the air these days2 ,i know it as well as if ,i were hearing them3 ,,the ,,commander3 8,he was in my army40 ,,the ,,general3 8,he was in my corps40 ,,the ,,colonel3 8,he was in my regiment4 ,a brute4 ,i remember him well40 ,,the ,,captain3 8,he was in my company4 ,a troublesome scoundrel4 ,i remember him well40 ,,the ,,sergeant3 8,did ,i know him8 ,as well as ,i know you4 ,why1 every morning ,i used to--0 etc41 etc42 a glad1 long story1 told to devouring ears4 ,,the ,,landlady3 8,many's the time he boarded with me4 ,i can show you his very room1 and the very bed he slept in4 ,and the charcoal mark there on the wall--he made that4 ,my little ,johnny saw him do it with his own eyes4 ,didn't you1 ,johnny80 ,it is easy to see1 by the papers1 that the magistrate and the constables and the jailer treasure up the assassin's daily remarks and doings as precious things1 and as wallowing this week in seas of blissful distinction4 ,the interviewer1 too2 he tries to let on that he is not vain of his privilege of contact with this man whom few others are allowed to gaze upon1 but he is human1 like the rest1 and can no more keep his vanity corked in than could you or ,i4 ,some think that this murder is a frenzied revolt against the criminal militarism which is impoverishing ,europe and driving the starving poor mad4 ,that has many crimes to answer for1 but not this one1 ,i think4 ,one may not attribute to this man a generous indignation against the wrongs done the poor2 one may not dignify him with a generous impulse of any kind4 ,when he saw his photograph and said1 8,i shall be celebrated10 he laid bare the impulse that prompted him4 ,it was a mere hunger for notoriety4 ,there is another confessed case of the kind which is as old as history--the burning of the temple of ,ephesus4 ,among the inadequate attempts to account for the assassination we must concede high rank to the many which have described it as a 8peculiarly brutal crime0 and then added that it was 8ordained from above40 ,i think this verdict will not be popular 8above40 ,if the deed was ordained from above1 there is no rational way of making this prisoner even partially responsible for it1 and the ,genevan court cannot condemn him without manifestly committing a crime4 ,logic is logic1 and by disregarding its laws even the most pious and showy theologian may be beguiled into preferring charges which should not be ventured upon except in the shelter of plenty of lightning-rods4 ,i witnessed the funeral procession1 in company with friends1 from the windows of the ,krantz1 ,vienna's sumptuous new hotel4 ,we came into town in the middle of the forenoon1 and ,i went on foot from the station4 ,black flags hung down from all the houses2 the aspects were ,sunday-like2 the crowds on the sidewalks were quiet and moved slowly2 very few people were smoking2 many ladies wore deep mourning1 gentlemen were in black as a rule2 carriages were speeding in all directions1 with footmen and coachmen in black clothes and wearing black cocked hats2 the shops were closed2 in many windows were pictures of the ,empress3 as a beautiful young bride of seventeen2 as a serene and majestic lady with added years2 and finally in deep black and without ornaments--the costume she always wore after the tragic death of her son nine years ago1 for her heart broke then1 and life lost almost all its value for her4 ,the people stood grouped before these pictures1 and now and then one saw women and girls turn away wiping the tears from their eyes4 ,in front of the ,krantz is an open square2 over the way was the church where the funeral services would be held4 ,it is small and old and severely plain1 plastered outside and whitewashed or painted1 and with no ornament but a statue of a monk in a niche over the door1 and above that a small black flag4 ,but in its crypt lie several of the great dead of the ,house of ,habsburg1 among them ,maria ,theresa and ,napoleon's son1 the ,duke of ,reichstadt4 ,hereabouts was a ,roman camp1 once1 and in it the ,emperor ,marcus ,aurelius died a thousand years before the first ,habsburg ruled in ,vienna1 which was six hundred years ago and more4 ,the little church is packed in among great modern stores and houses1 and the windows of them were full of people4 ,behind the vast plate-glass windows of the upper floors of a house on the corner one glimpsed terraced masses of fine-clothed men and women1 dim and shimmery1 like people under water4 ,under us the square was noiseless1 but it was full of citizens2 officials in fine uniforms were flitting about on errands1 and in a doorstep sat a figure in the uttermost raggedness of poverty1 the feet bare1 the head bent humbly down2 a youth of eighteen or twenty1 he was1 and through the field-glass one could see that he was tearing apart and munching riffraff that he had gathered somewhere4 ,blazing uniforms flashed by him1 making a sparkling contrast with his drooping ruin of moldy rags1 but he took no notice2 he was not there to grieve for a nation's disaster2 he had his own cares1 and deeper4 ,from two directions two long files of infantry came plowing through the pack and press in silence2 there was a low1 crisp order and the crowd vanished1 the square save the sidewalks was empty1 the private mourner was gone4 ,another order1 the soldiers fell apart and enclosed the square in a double-ranked human fence4 ,it was all so swift1 noiseless1 exact--like a beautifully ordered machine4 ,it was noon1 now4 ,two hours of stillness and waiting followed4 ,then carriages began to flow past and deliver the two or three hundred court personages and high nobilities privileged to enter the church4 ,then the square filled up2 not with civilians1 but with army and navy officers in showy and beautiful uniforms4 ,they filled it compactly1 leaving only a narrow carriage path in front of the church1 but there was no civilian among them4 ,and it was better so2 dull clothes would have marred the radiant spectacle4 ,in the jam in front of the church1 on its steps1 and on the sidewalk was a bunch of uniforms which made a blazing splotch of color--intense red1 gold1 and white--which dimmed the brilliancies around them2 and opposite them on the other side of the path was a bunch of cascaded bright-green plumes above pale-blue shoulders which made another splotch of splendor emphatic and conspicuous in its glowing surroundings4 ,it was a sea of flashing color all about1 but these two groups were the high notes4 ,the green plumes were worn by forty or fifty ,austrian generals1 the group opposite them were chiefly ,knights of ,malta and knights of a ,german order4 ,the mass of heads in the square were covered by gilt helmets and by military caps roofed with a mirror-like glaze1 and the movements of the wearers caused these things to catch the sun-rays1 and the effect was fine to see--the square was like a garden of richly colored flowers with a multitude of blinding and flashing little suns distributed over it4 ,think of it--it was by command of that ,italian loafer yonder on his imperial throne in the ,geneva prison that this splendid multitude was assembled there2 and the kings and emperors that were entering the church from a side street were there by his will4 ,it is so strange1 so unrealizable4 ,at three o'clock the carriages were still streaming by in single file4 ,at three-five a cardinal arrives with his attendants2 later some bishops2 then a number of archdeacons--all in striking colors that add to the show4 ,at three-ten a procession of priests passes along1 with crucifix4 ,another one1 presently2 after an interval1 two more2 at three-fifty another one--very long1 with many crosses1 gold-embroidered robes1 and much white lace2 also great pictured banners1 at intervals1 receding into the distance4 ,a hum of tolling bells makes itself heard1 but not sharply4 ,at three-fifty-eight a waiting interval4 ,presently a long procession of gentlemen in evening dress comes in sight and approaches until it is near to the square1 then falls back against the wall of soldiers at the sidewalk1 and the white shirt-fronts show like snowflakes and are very conspicuous where so much warm color is all about4 ,a waiting pause4 ,at four-twelve the head of the funeral procession comes into view at last4 ,first1 a body of cavalry1 four abreast1 to widen the path4 ,next1 a great body of lancers1 in blue1 with gilt helmets4 ,next1 three six-horse mourning-coaches2 outriders and coachmen in black1 with cocked hats and white wigs4 ,next1 troops in splendid uniforms1 red1 gold1 and white1 exceedingly showy4 ,now the multitude uncover4 ,the soldiers present arms2 there is a low rumble of drums2 the sumptuous great hearse approaches1 drawn at a walk by eight black horses plumed with black bunches of nodding ostrich feathers2 the coffin is borne into the church1 the doors are closed4 ,the multitude cover their heads1 and the rest of the procession moves by2 first the ,hungarian ,guard in their indescribably brilliant and picturesque and beautiful uniform1 inherited from the ages of barbaric splendor1 and after them other mounted forces1 a long and showy array4 ,then the shining crown in the square crumbled apart1 a wrecked rainbow1 and melted away in radiant streams1 and in the turn of a wrist the three dirtiest and raggedest and cheerfulest little slum-girls in ,austria were capering about in the spacious vacancy4 ,it was a day of contrasts4 ,twice the ,empress entered ,vienna in state4 ,the first time was in #ahed1 when she was a bride of seventeen1 and then she rode in measureless pomp and with blare of music through a fluttering world of gay flags and decorations1 down streets walled on both hands with a press of shouting and welcoming subjects2 and the second time was last ,wednesday1 when she entered the city in her coffin and moved down the same streets in the dead of the night under swaying black flags1 between packed human walls again2 but everywhere was a deep stillness1 now--a stillness emphasized1 rather than broken1 by the muffled hoofbeats of the long cavalcade over pavements cushioned with sand1 and the low sobbing of gray-headed women who had witnessed the first entry forty-four years before1 when she and they were young--and unaware6 ,a character in ,baron von ,berger's recent fairy drama 8,habsburg0 tells about that first coming of the girlish ,empress-,queen1 and in his history draws a fine picture3 ,i cannot make a close translation of it1 but will try to convey the spirit of the verses3 ,i saw the stately pageant pass3 ,in her high place ,i saw the ,empress-,queen3 ,i could not take my eyes away ,from that fair vision1 spirit-like and pure1 ,that rose serene1 sublime1 and figured to my sense ,a noble ,alp far lighted in the blue1 ,that in the flood of morning rends its veil of cloud ,and stands a dream of glory to the gaze ,of them that in the ,valley toil and plod4 ,a ,,scrap ,,of ,,curious ,,history ,marion ,city1 on the ,mississippi ,river1 in the ,state of ,missouri--a village2 time1 #ahde4 ,la ,bourboule-les-,bains1 ,france--a village2 time1 the end of ,june1 #ahid4 ,i was in the one village in that early time2 ,i am in the other now4 ,these times and places are sufficiently wide apart1 yet today ,i have the strange sense of being thrust back into that ,missourian village and of reliving certain stirring days that ,i lived there so long ago4 ,last ,saturday night the life of the ,president of the ,french ,republic was taken by an ,italian assassin4 ,last night a mob surrounded our hotel1 shouting1 howling1 singing the 8,marseillaise10 and pelting our windows with sticks and stones2 for we have ,italian waiters1 and the mob demanded that they be turned out of the house instantly--to be drubbed1 and then driven out of the village4 ,everybody in the hotel remained up until far into the night1 and experienced the several kinds of terror which one reads about in books which tell of night attacks by ,italians and by ,french mobs3 the growing roar of the oncoming crowd2 the arrival1 with rain of stones and a crash of glass2 the withdrawal to rearrange plans--followed by a silence ominous1 threatening1 and harder to bear than even the active siege and the noise4 ,the landlord and the two village policemen stood their ground1 and at last the mob was persuaded to go away and leave our ,italians in peace4 ,today four of the ringleaders have been sentenced to heavy punishment of a public sort--and are become local heroes1 by consequence4 ,that is the very mistake which was at first made in the ,missourian village half a century ago4 ,the mistake was repeated and repeated--just as ,france is doing in these latter months4 ,in our village we had our ,ravochals1 our ,henrys1 our ,vaillants2 and in a humble way our ,cesario--,i hope ,i have spelled this name wrong4 ,fifty years ago we passed through1 in all essentials1 what ,france has been passing through during the past two or three years1 in the matter of periodical frights1 horrors1 and shudderings4 ,in several details the parallels are quaintly exact4 ,in that day1 for a man to speak out openly and proclaim himself an enemy of negro slavery was simply to proclaim himself a madman4 ,for he was blaspheming against the holiest thing known to a ,missourian1 and could ,,not be in his right mind4 ,for a man to proclaim himself an anarchist in ,france1 three years ago1 was to proclaim himself a madman--he could not be in his right mind4 ,now the original old first blasphemer against any institution profoundly venerated by a community is quite sure to be in earnest2 his followers and imitators may be humbugs and self-seekers1 but he himself is sincere--his heart is in his protest4 ,robert ,hardy was our first abolitionist--awful name6 ,he was a journeyman cooper1 and worked in the big cooper-shop belonging to the great pork-packing establishment which was ,marion ,city's chief pride and sole source of prosperity4 ,he was a ,new-,englander1 a stranger4 ,and1 being a stranger1 he was of course regarded as an inferior person--for that has been human nature from ,adam down--and of course1 also1 he was made to feel unwelcome1 for this is the ancient law with man and the other animals4 ,hardy was thirty years old1 and a bachelor2 pale1 given to reverie and reading4 ,he was reserved1 and seemed to prefer the isolation which had fallen to his lot4 ,he was treated to many side remarks by his fellows1 but as he did not resent them it was decided that he was a coward4 ,all of a sudden he proclaimed himself an abolitionist--straight out and publicly6 ,he said that negro slavery was a crime1 an infamy4 ,for a moment the town was paralyzed with astonishment2 then it broke into a fury of rage and swarmed toward the cooper-shop to lynch ,hardy4 ,but the ,methodist minister made a powerful speech to them and stayed their hands4 ,he proved to them that ,hardy was insane and not responsible for his words2 that no man could be sane and utter such words4 ,so ,hardy was saved4 ,being insane1 he was allowed to go on talking4 ,he was found to be good entertainment4 ,several nights running he made abolition speeches in the open air1 and all the town flocked to hear and laugh4 ,he implored them to believe him sane and sincere1 and have pity on the poor slaves1 and take measures for the restoration of their stolen rights1 or in no long time blood would flow--blood1 blood1 rivers of blood6 ,it was great fun4 ,but all of a sudden the aspect of things changed4 ,a slave came flying from ,palmyra1 the county-seat1 a few miles back1 and was about to escape in a canoe to ,illinois and freedom in the dull twilight of the approaching dawn1 when the town constable seized him4 ,hardy happened along and tried to rescue the negro2 there was a struggle1 and the constable did not come out of it alive4 ,hardy crossed the river with the negro1 and then came back to give himself up4 ,all this took time1 for the ,mississippi is not a ,french brook1 like the ,seine1 the ,loire1 and those other rivulets1 but is a real river nearly a mile wide4 ,the town was on hand in force by now1 but the ,methodist preacher and the sheriff had already made arrangements in the interest of order2 so ,hardy was surrounded by a strong guard and safely conveyed to the village calaboose in spite of all the effort of the mob to get hold of him4 ,the reader will have begun to perceive that this ,methodist minister was a prompt man2 a prompt man1 with active hands and a good headpiece4 ,williams was his name--,damon ,williams2 ,damon ,williams in public1 ,damnation ,williams in private1 because he was so powerful on that theme and so frequent4 ,the excitement was prodigious4 ,the constable was the first man who had ever been killed in the town4 ,the event was by long odds the most imposing in the town's history4 ,it lifted the humble village into sudden importance2 its name was in everybody's mouth for twenty miles around4 ,and so was the name of ,robert ,hardy--,robert ,hardy1 the stranger1 the despised4 ,in a day he was become the person of most consequence in the region1 the only person talked about4 ,as to those other coopers1 they found their position curiously changed--they were important people1 or unimportant1 now1 in proportion as to how large or how small had been their intercourse with the new celebrity4 ,the two or three who had really been on a sort of familiar footing with him found themselves objects of admiring interest with the public and of envy with their shopmates4 ,the village weekly journal had lately gone into new hands4 ,the new man was an enterprising fellow1 and he made the most of the tragedy4 ,he issued an extra4 ,then he put up posters promising to devote his whole paper to matters connected with the great event--there would be a full and intensely interesting biography of the murderer1 and even a portrait of him4 ,he was as good as his word4 ,he carved the portrait himself1 on the back of a wooden type--and a terror it was to look at4 ,it made a great commotion1 for this was the first time the village paper had ever contained a picture4 ,the village was very proud4 ,the output of the paper was ten times as great as it had ever been before1 yet every copy was sold4 ,when the trial came on1 people came from all the farms around1 and from ,hannibal1 and ,quincy1 and even from ,keokuk2 and the court-house could hold only a fraction of the crowd that applied for admission4 ,the trial was published in the village paper1 with fresh and still more trying pictures of the accused4 ,hardy was convicted1 and hanged--a mistake4 ,people came from miles around to see the hanging2 they brought cakes and cider1 also the women and children1 and made a picnic of the matter4 ,it was the largest crowd the village had ever seen4 ,the rope that hanged ,hardy was eagerly bought up1 in inch samples1 for everybody wanted a memento of the memorable event4 ,martyrdom gilded with notoriety has its fascinations4 ,within one week afterward four young lightweights in the village proclaimed themselves abolitionists6 ,in life ,hardy had not been able to make a convert2 everybody laughed at him2 but nobody could laugh at his legacy4 ,the four swaggered around with their slouch-hats pulled down over their faces1 and hinted darkly at awful possibilities4 ,the people were troubled and afraid1 and showed it4 ,and they were stunned1 too2 they could not understand it4 8,abolitionist0 had always been a term of shame and horror2 yet here were four young men who were not only not ashamed to bear that name1 but were grimly proud of it4 ,respectable young men they were1 too--of good families1 and brought up in the church4 ,ed ,smith1 the printer's apprentice1 nineteen1 had been the head ,sunday-school boy1 and had once recited three thousand ,bible verses without making a break4 ,dick ,savage1 twenty1 the baker's apprentice2 ,will ,joyce1 twenty-two1 journeyman blacksmith2 and ,henry ,taylor1 twenty-four1 tobacco-stemmer--were the other three4 ,they were all of a sentimental cast2 they were all romance-readers2 they all wrote poetry1 such as it was2 they were all vain and foolish2 but they had never before been suspected of having anything bad in them4 ,they withdrew from society1 and grew more and more mysterious and dreadful4 ,they presently achieved the distinction of being denounced by names from the pulpit--which made an immense stir6 ,this was grandeur1 this was fame4 ,they were envied by all the other young fellows now4 ,this was natural4 ,their company grew--grew alarmingly4 ,they took a name4 ,it was a secret name1 and was divulged to no outsider2 publicly they were simply the abolitionists4 ,they had pass-words1 grips1 and signs2 they had secret meetings2 their initiations were conducted with gloomy pomps and ceremonies1 at midnight4 ,they always spoke of ,hardy as 8the ,martyr10 and every little while they moved through the principal street in procession--at midnight1 black-robed1 masked1 to the measured tap of the solemn drum--on pilgrimage to the ,martyr's grave1 where they went through with some majestic fooleries and swore vengeance upon his murderers4 ,they gave previous notice of the pilgrimage by small posters1 and warned everybody to keep indoors and darken all houses along the route1 and leave the road empty4 ,these warnings were obeyed1 for there was a skull and crossbones at the top of the poster4 ,when this kind of thing had been going on about eight weeks1 a quite natural thing happened4 ,a few men of character and grit woke up out of the nightmare of fear which had been stupefying their faculties1 and began to discharge scorn and scoffings at themselves and the community for enduring this child's-play2 and at the same time they proposed to end it straightway4 ,everybody felt an uplift2 life was breathed into their dead spirits2 their courage rose and they began to feel like men again4 ,this was on a ,saturday4 ,all day the new feeling grew and strengthened2 it grew with a rush2 it brought inspiration and cheer with it4 ,midnight saw a united community1 full of zeal and pluck1 and with a clearly defined and welcome piece of work in front of it4 ,the best organizer and strongest and bitterest talker on that great ,saturday was the ,presbyterian clergyman who had denounced the original four from his pulpit--,rev4 ,hiram ,fletcher--and he promised to use his pulpit in the public interest again now4 ,on the morrow he had revelations to make1 he said--secrets of the dreadful society4 ,but the revelations were never made4 ,at half past two in the morning the dead silence of the village was broken by a crashing explosion1 and the town patrol saw the preacher's house spring in a wreck of whirling fragments into the sky4 ,the preacher was killed1 together with a negro woman1 his only slave and servant4 ,the town was paralyzed again1 and with reason4 ,to struggle against a visible enemy is a thing worth while1 and there is a plenty of men who stand always ready to undertake it2 but to struggle against an invisible one--an invisible one who sneaks in and does his awful work in the dark and leaves no trace--that is another matter4 ,that is a thing to make the bravest tremble and hold back4 ,the cowed populace were afraid to go to the funeral4 ,the man who was to have had a packed church to hear him expose and denounce the common enemy had but a handful to see him buried4 ,the coroner's jury had brought in a verdict of 8death by the visitation of ,god10 for no witness came forward2 if any existed they prudently kept out of the way4 ,nobody seemed sorry4 ,nobody wanted to see the terrible secret society provoked into the commission of further outrages4 ,everybody wanted the tragedy hushed up1 ignored1 forgotten1 if possible4 ,and so there was a bitter surprise and an unwelcome one when ,will ,joyce1 the blacksmith's journeyman1 came out and proclaimed himself the assassin6 ,plainly he was not minded to be robbed of his glory4 ,he made his proclamation1 and stuck to it4 ,stuck to it1 and insisted upon a trial4 ,here was an ominous thing2 here was a new and peculiarly formidable terror1 for a motive was revealed here which society could not hope to deal with successfully--vanity1 thirst for notoriety4 ,if men were going to kill for notoriety's sake1 and to win the glory of newspaper renown1 a big trial1 and a showy execution1 what possible invention of man could discourage or deter them8 ,the town was in a sort of panic2 it did not know what to do4 ,however1 the grand jury had to take hold of the matter--it had no choice4 ,it brought in a true bill1 and presently the case went to the county court4 ,the trial was a fine sensation4 ,the prisoner was the principal witness for the prosecution4 ,he gave a full account of the assassination2 he furnished even the minutest particulars3 how he deposited his keg of powder and laid his train--from the house to such-and-such a spot2 how ,george ,ronalds and ,henry ,hart came along just then1 smoking1 and he borrowed ,hart's cigar and fired the train with it1 shouting1 8,down with all slave-tyrants60 and how ,hart and ,ronalds made no effort to capture him1 but ran away1 and had never come forward to testify yet4 ,but they had to testify now1 and they did--and pitiful it was to see how reluctant they were1 and how scared4 ,the crowded house listened to ,joyce's fearful tale with a profound and breathless interest1 and in a deep hush which was not broken till he broke it himself1 in concluding1 with a roaring repetition of his 8,death to all slave-tyrants60--which came so unexpectedly and so startlingly that it made everyone present catch his breath and gasp4 ,the trial was put in the paper1 with biography and large portrait1 with other slanderous and insane pictures1 and the edition sold beyond imagination4 ,the execution of ,joyce was a fine and picturesque thing4 ,it drew a vast crowd4 ,good places in trees and seats on rail fences sold for half a dollar apiece2 lemonade and gingerbread-stands had great prosperity4 ,joyce recited a furious and fantastic and denunciatory speech on the scaffold which had imposing passages of school-boy eloquence in it1 and gave him a reputation on the spot as an orator1 and his name1 later1 in the society's records1 of the 8,martyr ,orator40 ,he went to his death breathing slaughter and charging his society to 8avenge his murder40 ,if he knew anything of human nature he knew that to plenty of young fellows present in that great crowd he was a grand hero--and enviably situated4 ,he was hanged4 ,it was a mistake4 ,within a month from his death the society which he had honored had twenty new members1 some of them earnest1 determined men4 ,they did not court distinction in the same way1 but they celebrated his martyrdom4 ,the crime which had been obscure and despised had become lofty and glorified4 ,such things were happening all over the country4 ,wild-brained martyrdom was succeeded by uprising and organization4 ,then1 in natural order1 followed riot1 insurrection1 and the wrack and restitutions of war4 ,it was bound to come1 and it would naturally come in that way4 ,it has been the manner of reform since the beginning of the world4 ,,switzerland1 ,,the ,,cradle ,,of ,,liberty ,interlaken1 ,switzerland1 #ahia4 ,it is a good many years since ,i was in ,switzerland last4 ,in that remote time there was only one ladder railway in the country4 ,that state of things is all changed4 ,there isn't a mountain in ,switzerland now that hasn't a ladder railroad or two up its back like suspenders2 indeed1 some mountains are latticed with them1 and two years hence all will be4 ,in that day the peasant of the high altitudes will have to carry a lantern when he goes visiting in the night to keep from stumbling over railroads that have been built since his last round4 ,and also in that day1 if there shall remain a high-altitude peasant whose potato-patch hasn't a railroad through it1 it will make him as conspicuous as ,william ,tell4 ,however1 there are only two best ways to travel through ,switzerland4 ,the first best is afoot4 ,the second best is by open two-horse carriage4 ,one can come from ,lucerne to ,interlaken over the ,brunig by ladder railroad in an hour or so now1 but you can glide smoothly in a carriage in ten1 and have two hours for luncheon at noon--for luncheon1 not for rest4 ,there is no fatigue connected with the trip4 ,one arrives fresh in spirit and in person in the evening--no fret in his heart1 no grime on his face1 no grit in his hair1 not a cinder in his eye4 ,this is the right condition of mind and body1 the right and due preparation for the solemn event which closed the day--stepping with metaphorically uncovered head into the presence of the most impressive mountain mass that the globe can show--the ,jungfrau4 ,the stranger's first feeling1 when suddenly confronted by that towering and awful apparition wrapped in its shroud of snow1 is breath-taking astonishment4 ,it is as if heaven's gates had swung open and exposed the throne4 ,it is peaceful here and pleasant at ,interlaken4 ,nothing going on--at least nothing but brilliant life-giving sunshine4 ,there are floods and floods of that4 ,one may properly speak of it as 8going on10 for it is full of the suggestion of activity2 the light pours down with energy1 with visible enthusiasm4 ,this is a good atmosphere to be in1 morally as well as physically4 ,after trying the political atmosphere of the neighboring monarchies1 it is healing and refreshing to breathe in air that has known no taint of slavery for six hundred years1 and to come among a people whose political history is great and fine1 and worthy to be taught in all schools and studied by all races and peoples4 ,for the struggle here throughout the centuries has not been in the interest of any private family1 or any church1 but in the interest of the whole body of the nation1 and for shelter and protection of all forms of belief4 ,this fact is colossal4 ,if one would realize how colossal it is1 and of what dignity and majesty1 let him contrast it with the purposes and objects of the ,crusades1 the siege of ,york1 the ,war of the ,roses1 and other historic comedies of that sort and size4 ,last week ,i was beating around the ,lake of ,four ,cantons1 and ,i saw ,rutli and ,altorf4 ,rutli is a remote little patch of a meadow1 but ,i do not know how any piece of ground could be holier or better worth crossing oceans and continents to see1 since it was there that the great trinity of ,switzerland joined hands six centuries ago and swore the oath which set their enslaved and insulted country forever free2 and ,altorf is also honorable ground and worshipful1 since it was there that ,william1 surnamed ,tell 7which interpreted means 8,the foolish talker0--that is to say1 the too-daring talker71 refused to bow to ,gessler's hat4 ,of late years the prying student of history has been delighting himself beyond measure over a wonderful find which he has made--to wit1 that ,tell did not shoot the apple from his son's head4 ,to hear the students jubilate1 one would suppose that the question of whether ,tell shot the apple or didn't was an important matter2 whereas it ranks in importance exactly with the question of whether ,washington chopped down the cherry-tree or didn't4 ,the deeds of ,washington1 the patriot1 are the essential thing2 the cherry-tree incident is of no consequence4 ,to prove that ,tell did shoot the apple from his son's head would merely prove that he had better nerve than most men and was as skillful with a bow as a million others who preceded and followed him1 but not one whit more so4 ,but ,tell was more and better than a mere marksman1 more and better than a mere cool head2 he was a type2 he stands for ,swiss patriotism2 in his person was represented a whole people2 his spirit was their spirit--the spirit which would bow to none but ,god1 the spirit which said this in words and confirmed it with deeds4 ,there have always been ,tells in ,switzerland--people who would not bow4 ,there was a sufficiency of them at ,rutli2 there were plenty of them at ,murten2 plenty at ,grandson2 there are plenty today4 ,and the first of them all--the very first1 earliest banner-bearer of human freedom in this world--was not a man1 but a woman--,stauffacher's wife4 ,there she looms dim and great1 through the haze of the centuries1 delivering into her husband's ear that gospel of revolt which was to bear fruit in the conspiracy of ,rutli and the birth of the first free government the world had ever seen4 ,from this ,victoria ,hotel one looks straight across a flat of trifling width to a lofty mountain barrier1 which has a gateway in it shaped like an inverted pyramid4 ,beyond this gateway arises the vast bulk of the ,jungfrau1 a spotless mass of gleaming snow1 into the sky4 ,the gateway1 in the dark-colored barrier1 makes a strong frame for the great picture4 ,the somber frame and the glowing snow-pile are startlingly contrasted4 ,it is this frame which concentrates and emphasizes the glory of the ,jungfrau and makes it the most engaging and beguiling and fascinating spectacle that exists on the earth4 ,there are many mountains of snow that are as lofty as the ,jungfrau and as nobly proportioned1 but they lack the frame4 ,they stand at large2 they are intruded upon and elbowed by neighboring domes and summits1 and their grandeur is diminished and fails of effect4 ,it is a good name1 ,jungfrau--,virgin4 ,nothing could be whiter2 nothing could be purer2 nothing could be saintlier of aspect4 ,at six yesterday evening the great intervening barrier seen through a faint bluish haze seemed made of air and substanceless1 so soft and rich it was1 so shimmering where the wandering lights touched it and so dim where the shadows lay4 ,apparently it was a dream stuff1 a work of the imagination1 nothing real about it4 ,the tint was green1 slightly varying shades of it1 but mainly very dark4 ,the sun was down--as far as that barrier was concerned1 but not for the ,jungfrau1 towering into the heavens beyond the gateway4 ,she was a roaring conflagration of blinding white4 ,it is said the ,fridolin 7the old ,fridolin71 a new saint1 but formerly a missionary1 gave the mountain its gracious name4 ,he was an ,irishman1 son of an ,irish king--there were thirty thousand kings reigning in ,county ,cork alone in his time1 fifteen hundred years ago4 ,it got so that they could not make a living1 there was so much competition and wages got cut so4 ,some of them were out of work months at a time1 with wife and little children to feed1 and not a crust in the place4 ,at last a particularly severe winter fell upon the country1 and hundreds of them were reduced to mendicancy and were to be seen day after day in the bitterest weather1 standing barefoot in the snow1 holding out their crowns for alms4 ,indeed1 they would have been obliged to emigrate or starve but for a fortunate idea of ,prince ,fridolin's1 who started a labor-union1 the first one in history1 and got the great bulk of them to join it4 ,he thus won the general gratitude1 and they wanted to make him emperor--emperor over them all--emperor of ,county ,cork1 but he said1 ,no1 walking delegate was good enough for him4 ,for behold6 he was modest beyond his years1 and keen as a whip4 ,to this day in ,germany and ,switzerland1 where ,st4 ,fridolin is revered and honored1 the peasantry speak of him affectionately as the first walking delegate4 ,the first walk he took was into ,france and ,germany1 missionarying--for missionarying was a better thing in those days than it is in ours4 ,all you had to do was to cure the head savage's sick daughter by a 8miracle0--a miracle like the miracle of ,lourdes in our day1 for instance--and immediately that head savage was your convert1 and filled to the eyes with a new convert's enthusiasm4 ,you could sit down and make yourself easy1 now4 ,he would take an ax and convert the rest of the nation himself4 ,charlemagne was that kind of a walking delegate4 ,yes1 there were great missionaries in those days1 for the methods were sure and the rewards great4 ,we have no such missionaries now1 and no such methods4 ,but to continue the history of the first walking delegate1 if you are interested4 ,i am interested myself because ,i have seen his relics in ,sackingen1 and also the very spot where he worked his great miracle--the one which won him his sainthood in the papal court a few centuries later4 ,to have seen these things makes me feel very near to him1 almost like a member of the family1 in fact4 ,while wandering about the ,continent he arrived at the spot on the ,rhine which is now occupied by ,sackingen1 and proposed to settle there1 but the people warned him off4 ,he appealed to the king of the ,franks1 who made him a present of the whole region1 people and all4 ,he built a great cloister there for women and proceeded to teach in it and accumulate more land4 ,there were two wealthy brothers in the neighborhood1 ,urso and ,landulph4 ,urso died and ,fridolin claimed his estates4 ,landulph asked for documents and papers4 ,fridolin had none to show4 ,he said the bequest had been made to him by word of mouth4 ,landulph suggested that he produce a witness and said it in a way which he thought was very witty1 very sarcastic4 ,this shows that he did not know the walking delegate4 ,fridolin was not disturbed4 ,he said3 8,appoint your court4 ,i will bring a witness40 ,the court thus created consisted of fifteen counts and barons4 ,a day was appointed for the trial of the case4 ,on that day the judges took their seats in state1 and proclamation was made that the court was ready for business4 ,five minutes1 ten minutes1 fifteen minutes passed1 and yet no ,fridolin appeared4 ,landulph rose1 and was in the act of claiming judgment by default when a strange clacking sound was heard coming up the stairs4 ,in another moment ,fridolin entered at the door and came walking in a deep hush down the middle aisle1 with a tall skeleton stalking in his rear4 ,amazement and terror sat upon every countenance1 for everybody suspected that the skeleton was ,urso's4 ,it stopped before the chief judge and raised its bony arm aloft and began to speak1 while all the assembly shuddered1 for they could see the words leak out between its ribs4 ,it said3 8,brother1 why dost thou disturb my blessed rest and withhold by robbery the gift which ,i gave thee for the honor of ,god80 ,it seems a strange thing and most irregular1 but the verdict was actually given against ,landulph on the testimony of this wandering rack-heap of unidentified bones4 ,in our day a skeleton would not be allowed to testify at all1 for a skeleton has no moral responsibility1 and its word could not be believed on oath1 and this was probably one of them4 ,most skeletons are not to be believed on oath1 and this was probably one of them4 ,however1 the incident is valuable as preserving to us a curious sample of the quaint laws of evidence of that remote time--a time so remote1 so far back toward the beginning of original idiocy1 that the difference between a bench of judges and a basket of vegetables was as yet so slight that we may say with all confidence that it didn't really exist4 ,during several afternoons ,i have been engaged in an interesting1 maybe useful1 piece of work--that is to say1 ,i have been trying to make the mighty ,jungfrau earn her living--earn it in a most humble sphere1 but on a prodigious scale1 on a prodigious scale of necessity1 for she couldn't do anything in a small way with her size and style4 ,i have been trying to make her do service on a stupendous dial and check off the hours as they glide along her pallid face up there against the sky1 and tell the time of day to the populations lying within fifty miles of her and to the people in the moon1 if they have a good telescope there4 ,until late in the afternoon the ,jungfrau's aspect is that of a spotless desert of snow set upon edge against the sky4 ,but by mid-afternoon some elevations which rise out of the western border of the desert1 whose presence you perhaps had not detected or suspected up to that time1 began to cast black shadows eastward across the gleaming surface4 ,at first there is only one shadow2 later there are two4 ,toward #d ,p4,m4 the other day ,i was gazing and worshiping as usual when ,i chanced to notice that shadow ,no4 #a was beginning to take itself something of the shape of the human profile4 ,by four the back of the head was good1 the military cap was pretty good1 the nose was bold and strong1 the upper lip sharp1 but not pretty1 and there was a great goatee that shot straight aggressively forward from the chin4 ,at four-thirty the nose had changed its shape considerably1 and the altered slant of the sun had revealed and made conspicuous a huge buttress or barrier of naked rock which was so located as to answer very well for a shoulder or coat-collar to this swarthy and indiscreet sweetheart who had stolen out there right before everybody to pillow his head on the ,virgin's white breast and whisper soft sentimentalities to her in the sensuous music of the crashing ice-domes and the boom and thunder of the passing avalanche--music very familiar to his ear1 for he has heard it every afternoon at this hour since the day he first came courting this child of the earth1 who lives in the sky1 and that day is far1 yes--for he was at this pleasant sport before the ,middle ,ages drifted by him in the valley2 before the ,romans marched past1 and before the antique and recordless barbarians fished and hunted here and wondered who he might be1 and were probably afraid of him2 and before primeval man himself1 just emerged from his four-footed estate1 stepped out upon this plain1 first sample of his race1 a thousand centuries ago1 and cast a glad eye up there1 judging he had found a brother human being and consequently something to kill2 and before the big saurians wallowed here1 still some eons earlier4 ,oh yes1 a day so far back that the eternal son was present to see that first visit2 a day so far back that neither tradition nor history was born yet and a whole weary eternity must come and go before the restless little creature1 of whose face this stupendous ,shadow ,face was the prophecy1 would arrive in the earth and begin his shabby career and think it a big thing4 ,oh1 indeed yes2 when you talk about your poor ,roman and ,egyptian day-before-yesterday antiquities1 you should choose a time when the hoary ,shadow ,face of the ,jungfrau is not by4 ,it antedates all antiquities known or imaginable2 for it was here the world itself created the theater of future antiquities4 ,and it is the only witness with a human face that was there to see the marvel1 and remains to us a memorial of it4 ,by #d3dj ,p4,m4 the nose of the shadow is perfect and is beautiful4 ,it is black and is powerfully marked against the upright canvas of glowing snow1 and covers hundreds of acres of that resplendent surface4 ,meantime shadow ,no4 #b has been creeping out well to the rear of the face west of it--and at five o'clock has assumed a shape that has rather a poor and rude semblance of a shoe4 ,meantime1 also1 the great ,shadow ,face has been gradually changing for twenty minutes1 and now1 #e ,p4,m41 it is becoming a quite fair portrait of ,roscoe ,conkling4 ,the likeness is there1 and is unmistakable4 ,the goatee is shortened1 now1 and has an end2 formerly it hadn't any1 but ran off eastward and arrived nowhere4 ,by #f ,p4,m4 the face has dissolved and gone1 and the goatee has become what looks like the shadow of a tower with a pointed roof1 and the shoe had turned into what the printers call a 8fist0 with a finger pointing4 ,if ,i were now imprisoned on a mountain summit a hundred miles northward of this point1 and was denied a timepiece1 ,i could get along well enough from four till six on clear days1 for ,i could keep trace of the time by the changing shapes of these mighty shadows on the ,virgin's front1 the most stupendous dial ,i am acquainted with1 the oldest clock in the world by a couple of million years4 ,i suppose ,i should not have noticed the forms of the shadows if ,i hadn't the habit of hunting for faces in the clouds and in mountain crags--a sort of amusement which is very entertaining even when you don't find any1 and brilliantly satisfying when you do4 ,i have searched through several bushels of photographs of the ,jungfrau here1 but found only one with the ,face in it1 and in this case it was not strictly recognizable as a face1 which was evidence that the picture was taken before four o'clock in the afternoon1 and also evidence that all the photographers have persistently overlooked one of the most fascinating features of the ,jungfrau show4 ,i say fascinating1 because if you once detect a human face produced on a great plan by unconscious nature1 you never get tired of watching it4 ,at first you can't make another person see it at all1 but after he has made it out once he can't see anything else afterward4 ,the ,king of ,greece is a man who goes around quietly enough when off duty4 ,one day this summer he was traveling in an ordinary first-class compartment1 just in his other suit1 the one which he works the realm in when he is at home1 and so he was not looking like anybody in particular1 but a good deal like everybody in general4 ,by and by a hearty and healthy ,german-,american got in and opened up a frank and interesting and sympathetic conversation with him1 and asked him a couple of thousand questions about himself1 which the king answered good-naturedly1 but in a more or less indefinite way as to private particulars4 8,where do you live when you are at home80 8,in ,greece40 8,greece6 ,well1 now1 that is just astonishing6 ,born there80 8,no40 8,do you speak ,greek80 8,yes40 8,now1 ain't that strange6 ,i never expected to live to see that4 ,what is your trade8 ,i mean how do you get your living8 ,what is your line of business80 8,well1 ,i hardly know how to answer4 ,i am only a kind of foreman1 on a salary2 and the business--well1 is a very general kind of business40 8,yes1 ,i understand--general jobbing--little of everything--anything that there's money in40 8,that's about it1 yes40 8,are you traveling for the house now80 8,well1 partly2 but not entirely4 ,of course ,i do a stroke of business if it falls in the way--0 8,good6 ,i like that in you6 ,that's me every time4 ,go on40 8,i was only going to say ,i am off on my vacation now40 8,well that's all right4 ,no harm in that4 ,a man works all the better for a little let-up now and then4 ,not that ,i've been used to having it myself2 for ,i haven't4 ,i reckon this is my first4 ,i was born in ,germany1 and when ,i was a couple of weeks old shipped for ,america1 and ,i've been there ever since1 and that's sixty-four years by the watch4 ,i'm an ,american in principle and a ,german at heart1 and it's the boss combination4 ,well1 how do you get along1 as a rule--pretty fair80 8,i've a rather large family--0 8,there1 that's it--big family and trying to raise them on a salary4 ,now1 what did you go to do that for80 8,well1 ,i thought--0 8,of course you did4 ,you were young and confident and thought you could branch out and make things go with a whirl1 and here you are1 you see6 ,but never mind about that4 ,i'm not trying to discourage you4 ,dear me6 ,i've been just where you are myself6 ,you've got good grit2 there's good stuff in you1 ,i can see that4 ,you got a wrong start1 that's the whole trouble4 ,but you hold your grip1 and we'll see what can be done4 ,your case ain't half as bad as it might be4 ,you are going to come out all right--,i'm bail for that4 ,boys and girls80 8,my family8 ,yes1 some of them are boys--0 8,and the rest girls4 ,it's just as ,i expected4 ,but that's all right1 and it's better so1 anyway4 ,what are the boys doing--learning a trade80 8,well1 no--,i thought--0 8,it's a great mistake4 ,it's the biggest mistake you ever made4 ,you see that in your own case4 ,a man ought always to have a trade to fall back on4 ,now1 ,i was harness-maker at first4 ,did that prevent me from becoming one of the biggest brewers in ,america8 ,oh no4 ,i always had the harness trick to fall back on in rough weather4 ,now1 if you had learned how to make harness--,however1 it's too late now2 too late4 ,but it's no good plan to cry over spilt milk4 ,but as to the boys1 you see--what's to become of them if anything happens to you80 8,it has been my idea to let the eldest one succeed me--0 8,oh1 come6 ,suppose the firm don't want him80 8,i hadn't thought of that1 but--0 8,now1 look here2 you want to get right down to business and stop dreaming4 ,you are capable of immense things--man4 ,you can make a perfect success in life4 ,all you want is somebody to steady you and boost you along on the right road4 ,do you own anything in the business80 8,no--not exactly2 but if ,i continue to give satisfaction1 ,i suppose ,i can keep my--0 8,keep your place--yes4 ,well1 don't you depend on anything of the kind4 ,they'll bounce you the minute you get a little old and worked out2 they'll do it sure4 ,can't you manage somehow to get into the firm8 ,that's the great thing1 you know40 8,i think it is doubtful2 very doubtful40 8,um--that's bad--yes1 and unfair1 too4 ,do you suppose that if ,i should go there and have a talk with your people--,look here--do you think you could run a brewery80 8,i have never tried1 but ,i think ,i could do it after ,i got a little familiarity with the business40 ,the ,german was silent for some time4 ,he did a good deal of thinking1 and the king waited with curiosity to see what the result was going to be4 ,finally the ,german said3 8,my mind's made up4 ,you leave that crowd--you'll never amount to anything there4 ,in these old countries they never give a fellow a show4 ,yes1 you come over to ,america--come to my place in ,rochester2 bring the family along4 ,you shall have a show in the business and the foremanship1 besides4 ,george--you said your name was ,george8--,i'll make a man of you4 ,i give you my word4 ,you've never had a chance here1 but that's all going to change4 ,by gracious6 ,i'll give you a lift that'll make your hair curl60 ,,at ,,the ,,shrine ,,of ,,st4 ,,wagner ,bayreuth1 ,aug4 #b;d1 #ahia ,it was at ,nuremberg that we struck the inundation of music-mad strangers that was rolling down upon ,bayreuth4 ,it had been long since we had seen such multitudes of excited and struggling people4 ,it took a good half-hour to pack them and pair them into the train--and it was the longest train we have yet seen in ,europe4 ,nuremberg had been witnessing this sort of experience a couple of times a day for about two weeks4 ,it gives one an impressive sense of the magnitude of this biennial pilgrimage4 ,for a pilgrimage is what it is4 ,the devotees come from the very ends of the earth to worship their prophet in his own ,kaaba in his own ,mecca4 ,if you are living in ,new ,york or ,san ,francisco or ,chicago or anywhere else in ,america1 and you conclude1 by the middle of ,may1 that you would like to attend the ,bayreuth opera two months and a half later1 you must use the cable and get about it immediately or you will get no seats1 and you must cable for lodgings1 too4 ,then if you are lucky you will get seats in the last row and lodgings in the fringe of the town4 ,if you stop to write you will get nothing4 ,there were plenty of people in ,nuremberg when we passed through who had come on pilgrimage without first securing seats and lodgings4 ,they had found neither in ,bayreuth2 they had walked ,bayreuth streets a while in sorrow1 then had gone to ,nuremberg and found neither beds nor standing room1 and had walked those quaint streets all night1 waiting for the hotels to open and empty their guests into the trains1 and so make room for these1 their defeated brethren and sisters in the faith4 ,they had endured from thirty to forty hours' railroading on the continent of ,europe--with all which that implies of worry1 fatigue1 and financial impoverishment--and all they had got and all they were to get for it was handiness and accuracy in kicking themselves1 acquired by practice in the back streets of the two towns when other people were in bed2 for back they must go over that unspeakable journey with their pious mission unfulfilled4 ,these humiliated outcasts had the frowsy and unbrushed and apologetic look of wet cats1 and their eyes were glazed with drowsiness1 their bodies were adroop from crown to sole1 and all kind-hearted people refrained from asking them if they had been to ,bayreuth and failed to connect1 as knowing they would lie4 ,we reached here 7,bayreuth7 about mid-afternoon of a rainy ,saturday4 ,we were of the wise1 and had secured lodgings and opera seats months in advance4 ,i am not a musical critic1 and did not come here to write essays about the operas and deliver judgment upon their merits4 ,the little children of ,bayreuth could do that with a finer sympathy and a broader intelligence than ,i4 ,i only care to bring four or five pilgrims to the operas1 pilgrims able to appreciate them and enjoy them4 ,what ,i write about the performance to put in my odd time would be offered to the public as merely a cat's view of a king1 and not of didactic value4 ,next day1 which was ,sunday1 we left for the opera-house--that is to say1 the ,wagner temple--a little after the middle of the afternoon4 ,the great building stands all by itself1 grand and lonely1 on a high ground outside the town4 ,we were warned that if we arrived after four o'clock we should be obliged to pay two dollars and a half apiece extra by way of fine4 ,we saved that2 and it may be remarked here that this is the only opportunity that ,europe offers of saving money4 ,there was a big crowd in the grounds about the building1 and the ladies' dresses took the sun with fine effect4 ,i do not mean to intimate that the ladies were in full dress1 for that was not so4 ,the dresses were pretty1 but neither sex was in evening dress4 ,the interior of the building is simple--severely so2 but there is no occasion for color and decoration1 since the people sit in the dark4 ,the auditorium has the shape of a keystone1 with the stage at the narrow end4 ,there is an aisle on each side1 but no aisle in the body of the house4 ,each row of seats extends in an unbroken curve from one side of the house to the other4 ,there are seven entrance doors on each side of the theater and four at the butt1 eighteen doors to admit and emit #a1fej persons4 ,the number of the particular door by which you are to enter the house or leave it is printed on your ticket1 and you can use no door but that one4 ,thus1 crowding and confusion are impossible4 ,not so many as a hundred people use any one door4 ,this is better than having the usual 7and useless7 elaborate fireproof arrangements4 ,it is the model theater of the world4 ,it can be emptied while the second hand of a watch makes its circuit4 ,it would be entirely safe1 even if it were built of lucifer matches4 ,if your seat is near the center of a row and you enter late you must work your way along a rank of about twenty-five ladies and gentlemen to get to it4 ,yet this causes no trouble1 for everybody stands up until all the seats are full1 and the filling is accomplished in a very few minutes4 ,then all sit down1 and you have a solid mass of fifteen hundred heads1 making a steep cellar-door slant from the rear of the house down to the stage4 ,all the lights were turned low1 so low that the congregation sat in a deep and solemn gloom4 ,the funereal rustling of dresses and the low buzz of conversation began to die swiftly down1 and presently not the ghost of a sound was left4 ,this profound and increasingly impressive stillness endured for some time--the best preparation for music1 spectacle1 or speech conceivable4 ,i should think our show people would have invented or imported that simple and impressive device for securing and solidifying the attention of an audience long ago2 instead of which they continue to this day to open a performance against a deadly competition in the form of noise1 confusion1 and a scattered interest4 ,finally1 out of darkness and distance and mystery soft rich notes rose upon the stillness1 and from his grave the dead magician began to weave his spells about his disciples and steep their souls in his enchantments4 ,there was something strangely impressive in the fancy which kept intruding itself that the composer was conscious in his grave of what was going on here1 and that these divine sounds were the clothing of thoughts which were at this moment passing through his brain1 and not recognized and familiar ones which had issued from it at some former time4 ,the entire overture1 long as it was1 was played to a dark house with the curtain down4 ,it was exquisite2 it was delicious4 ,but straightway thereafter1 of course1 came the singing1 and it does seem to me that nothing can make a ,wagner opera absolutely perfect and satisfactory to the untutored but to leave out the vocal parts4 ,i wish ,i could see a ,wagner opera done in pantomime once4 ,then one would have the lovely orchestration unvexed to listen to and bathe his spirit in1 and the bewildering beautiful scenery to intoxicate his eyes with1 and the dumb acting couldn't mar these pleasures1 because there isn't often anything in the ,wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting2 as a rule all you would see would be a couple of silent people1 one of them standing still1 the other catching flies4 ,of course ,i do not really mean that he would be catching flies2 ,i only mean that the usual operatic gestures which consist in reaching first one hand out into the air and then the other might suggest the sport ,i speak of if the operator attended strictly to business and uttered no sound4 ,this present opera was 8,parsifal40 ,madame ,wagner does not permit its representation anywhere but in ,bayreuth4 ,the first act of the three occupied two hours1 and ,i enjoyed that in spite of the singing4 ,i trust that ,i know as well as anybody that singing is one of the most entrancing and bewitching and moving and eloquent of all the vehicles invented by man for the conveying of feeling2 but it seems to me that the chief virtue in song is melody1 air1 tune1 rhythm1 or what you please to call it1 and that when this feature is absent what remains is a picture with the color left out4 ,i was not able to detect in the vocal parts of 8,parsifal0 anything that might with confidence be called rhythm or tune or melody2 one person performed at a time--and a long time1 too--often in a noble1 and always in a high-toned1 voice2 but he only pulled out long notes1 then some short ones1 then another long one1 then a sharp1 quick1 peremptory bark or two--and so on and so on2 and when he was done you saw that the information which he had conveyed had not compensated for the disturbance4 ,not always1 but pretty often4 ,if two of them would but put in a duet occasionally and blend the voices2 but no1 they don't do that4 ,the great master1 who knew so well how to make a hundred instruments rejoice in unison and pour out their souls in mingled and melodious tides of delicious sound1 deals only in barren solos when he puts in the vocal parts4 ,it may be that he was deep1 and only added the singing to his operas for the sake of the contrast it would make with the music4 ,singing6 ,it does seem the wrong name to apply to it4 ,strictly described1 it is a practicing of difficult and unpleasant intervals1 mainly4 ,an ignorant person gets tired of listening to gymnastic intervals in the long run1 no matter how pleasant they may be4 ,in 8,parsifal0 there is a hermit named ,gurnemanz who stands on the stage in one spot and practices by the hour1 while first one and then another character of the cast endures what he can of it and then retires to die4 ,during the evening there was an intermission of three-quarters of an hour after the first act and one an hour long after the second4 ,in both instances the theater was totally emptied4 ,people who had previously engaged tables in the one sole eating-house were able to put in their time very satisfactorily2 the other thousand went hungry4 ,the opera was concluded at ten in the evening or a little later4 ,when we reached home we had been gone more than seven hours4 ,seven hours at five dollars a ticket is almost too much for the money4 ,while browsing about the front yard among the crowd between the acts ,i encountered twelve or fifteen friends from different parts of ,america1 and those of them who were most familiar with ,wagner said that 8,parsifal0 seldom pleased at first1 but that after one had heard it several times it was almost sure to become a favorite4 ,it seemed impossible1 but it was true1 for the statement came from people whose word was not to be doubted4 ,and ,i gathered some further information4 ,on the ground ,i found part of a ,german musical magazine1 and in it a letter written by ,uhlic thirty-three years ago1 in which he defends the scorned and abused ,wagner against people like me1 who found fault with the comprehensive absence of what our kind regards as singing4 ,uhlic says ,wagner despised 8jene plapperude music10 and therefore 8runs1 trills1 and ,schnorkel are discarded by him40 ,i don't know what a ,schnorkel is1 but now that ,i know it has been left out of these operas ,i never have missed so much in my life4 ,and ,uhlic further says that ,wagner's song is true3 that it is 8simply emphasized intoned speech40 ,that certainly describes it--in 8,parsifal0 and some of the other operas2 and if ,i understand ,uhlic's elaborate ,german he apologizes for the beautiful airs in 8,tannhauser40 ,very well2 now that ,wagner and ,i understand each other1 perhaps we shall get along better1 and ,i shall stop calling ,waggner1 on the ,american plan1 and thereafter call him ,waggner as per ,german custom1 for ,i feel entirely friendly now4 ,the minute we get reconciled to a person1 how willing we are to throw aside little needless punctilios and pronounce his name right6 ,of course ,i came home wondering why people should come from all corners of ,america to hear these operas1 when we have lately had a season or two of them in ,new ,york with these same singers in the several parts1 and possibly this same orchestra4 ,i resolved to think that out at all hazards4 ,,tuesday4--,yesterday they played the only operatic favorite ,i have ever had--an opera which has always driven me mad with ignorant delight whenever ,i have heard it--8,tannhauser40 ,i heard it first when ,i was a youth2 ,i heard it last in the last ,german season in ,new ,york4 ,i was busy yesterday and ,i did not intend to go1 knowing ,i should have another 8,tannhauser0 opportunity in a few days2 but after five o'clock ,i found myself free and walked out to the opera-house and arrived about the beginning of the second act4 ,my opera ticket admitted me to the grounds in front1 past the policeman and the chain1 and ,i thought ,i would take a rest on a bench for an hour and two and wait for the third act4 ,in a moment or so the first bugles blew1 and the multitude began to crumble apart and melt into the theater4 ,i will explain that this bugle-call is one of the pretty features here4 ,you see1 the theater is empty1 and hundreds of the audience are a good way off in the feeding-house2 the first bugle-call is blown about a quarter of an hour before time for the curtain to rise4 ,this company of buglers1 in uniform1 march out with military step and send out over the landscape a few bars of the theme of the approaching act1 piercing the distances with the gracious notes2 then they march to the other entrance and repeat4 ,presently they do this over again4 ,yesterday only about two hundred people were still left in front of the house when the second call was blown2 in another half-minute they would have been in the house1 but then a thing happened which delayed them--the only solitary thing in this world which could be relied on with certainty to accomplish this1 ,i suppose--an imperial princess appeared in the balcony above them4 ,they stopped dead in their tracks and began to gaze in a stupor of gratitude and satisfaction4 ,the lady presently saw that she must disappear or the doors would be closed upon these worshipers1 so she returned to her box4 ,this daughter-in-law of an emperor was pretty2 she had a kind face2 she was without airs2 she is known to be full of common human sympathies4 ,there are many kinds of princesses1 but this kind is the most harmful of all1 for wherever they go they reconcile people to monarchy and set back the clock of progress4 ,the valuable princes1 the desirable princes1 are the czars and their sort4 ,by their mere dumb presence in the world they cover with derision every argument that can be invented in favor of royalty by the most ingenious casuist4 ,in his time the husband of this princess was valuable4 ,he led a degraded life1 he ended it with his own hand in circumstances and surroundings of a hideous sort1 and was buried like a god4 ,in the opera-house there is a long loft back of the audience1 a kind of open gallery1 in which princes are displayed4 ,it is sacred to them2 it is the holy of holies4 ,as soon as the filling of the house is about complete the standing multitude turn and fix their eyes upon the princely layout and gaze mutely and longingly and adoringly and regretfully like sinners looking into heaven4 ,they become rapt1 unconscious1 steeped in worship4 ,there is no spectacle anywhere that is more pathetic than this4 ,it is worth crossing many oceans to see4 ,it is somehow not the same gaze that people rivet upon a ,victor ,hugo1 or ,niagara1 or the bones of the mastodon1 or the guillotine of the ,revolution1 or the great pyramid1 or distant ,vesuvius smoking in the sky1 or any man long celebrated to you by his genius and achievements1 or thing long celebrated to you by the praises of books and pictures--no1 that gaze is only the gaze of intense curiosity1 interest1 wonder1 engaged in drinking delicious deep draughts that taste good all the way down and appease and satisfy the thirst of a lifetime4 ,satisfy it--that is the word4 ,hugo and the mastodon will still have a degree of intense interest thereafter when encountered1 but never anything approaching the ecstasy of that first view4 ,the interest of a prince is different4 ,it may be envy1 it may be worship1 doubtless it is a mixture of both--and it does not satisfy its thirst with one view1 or even noticeably diminish it4 ,perhaps the essence of the thing is the value which men attach to a valuable something which has come by luck and not been earned4 ,a dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to you than the ninety-and-nine which you had to work for1 and money won at faro or in stocks snuggles into your heart in the same way4 ,a prince picks up grandeur1 power1 and a permanent holiday and gratis support by a pure accident1 the accident of birth1 and he stands always before the grieved eye of poverty and obscurity a monumental representative of luck4 ,and then--supremest value of all-his is the only high fortune on the earth which is secure4 ,the commercial millionaire may become a beggar2 the illustrious statesman can make a vital mistake and be dropped and forgotten2 the illustrious general can lose a decisive battle and with it the consideration of men2 but once a prince always a prince--that is to say1 an imitation god1 and neither hard fortune nor an infamous character nor an addled brain nor the speech of an ass can undeify him4 ,by common consent of all the nations and all the ages the most valuable thing in this world is the homage of men1 whether deserved or undeserved4 ,it follows without doubt or question1 then1 that the most desirable position possible is that of a prince4 ,and ,i think it also follows that the so-called usurpations with which history is littered are the most excusable misdemeanors which men have committed4 ,to usurp a usurpation--that is all it amounts to1 isn't it8 ,a prince is not to us what he is to a ,european1 of course4 ,we have not been taught to regard him as a god1 and so one good look at him is likely to so nearly appease our curiosity as to make him an object of no greater interest the next time4 ,we want a fresh one4 ,but it is not so with the ,european4 ,i am quite sure of it4 ,the same old one will answer2 he never stales4 ,eighteen years ago ,i was in ,london and ,i called at an ,englishman's house on a bleak and foggy and dismal ,december afternoon to visit his wife and married daughter by appointment4 ,i waited half an hour and then they arrived1 frozen4 ,they explained that they had been delayed by an unlooked-for circumstance3 while passing in the neighborhood of ,marlborough ,house they saw a crowd gathering and were told that the ,prince of ,wales was about to drive out1 so they stopped to get a sight of him4 ,they had waited half an hour on the sidewalk1 freezing with the crowd1 but were disappointed at last--the ,prince had changed his mind4 ,i said1 with a good deal of surprise1 8,is it possible that you two have lived in ,london all your lives and have never seen the ,prince of ,wales80 ,apparently it was their turn to be surprised1 for they exclaimed3 8,what an idea6 ,why1 we have seen him hundreds of times40 ,they had seen him hundreds of times1 yet they had waited half an hour in the gloom and the bitter cold1 in the midst of a jam of patients from the same asylum1 on the chance of seeing him again4 ,it was a stupefying statement1 but one is obliged to believe the ,english1 even when they say a thing like that4 ,i fumbled around for a remark1 and got out this one3 8,i can't understand it at all4 ,if ,i had never seen ,general ,grant ,i doubt if ,i would do that even to get a sight of him40 ,with a slight emphasis on the last word4 ,their blank faces showed that they wondered where the parallel came in4 ,then they said1 blankly3 8,of course not4 ,he is only a ,president40 ,it is doubtless a fact that a prince is a permanent interest1 an interest not subject to deterioration4 ,the general who was never defeated1 the general who never held a council of war1 the only general who ever commanded a connected battle-front twelve hundred miles long1 the smith who welded together the broken parts of a great republic and re-established it where it is quite likely to outlast all the monarchies present and to come1 was really a person of no serious consequence to these people4 ,to them1 with their training1 my ,general was only a man1 after all1 while their ,prince was clearly much more than that--a being of a wholly unsimilar construction and constitution1 and being of no more blood and kinship with men than are the serene eternal lights of the firmament with the poor dull tallow candles of commerce that sputter and die and leave nothing behind but a pinch of ashes and a stink4 ,i saw the last act of 8,tannhauser40 ,i sat in the gloom and the deep stillness1 waiting--one minute1 two minutes1 ,i do not know exactly how long--then the soft music of the hidden orchestra began to breathe its rich1 long sighs out from under the distant stage1 and by and by the drop-curtain parted in the middle and was drawn softly aside1 disclosing the twilighted wood and a wayside shrine1 with a white-robed girl praying and a man standing near4 ,presently that noble chorus of men's voices was heard approaching1 and from that moment until the closing of the curtain it was music1 just music--music to make one drunk with pleasure1 music to make one take scrip and staff and beg his way round the globe to hear it4 ,to such as are intending to come here in the ,wagner season next year ,i wish to say1 bring your dinner-pail with you4 ,if you do1 you will never cease to be thankful4 ,if you do not1 you will find it a hard fight to save yourself from famishing in ,bayreuth4 ,bayreuth is merely a large village1 and has no very large hotels or eating-houses4 ,the principal inns are the ,golden ,anchor and the ,sun4 ,at either of these places you can get an excellent meal--no1 ,i mean you can go there and see other people get it4 ,there is no charge for this4 ,the town is littered with restaurants1 but they are small and bad1 and they are overdriven with custom4 ,you must secure a table hours beforehand1 and often when you arrive you will find somebody occupying it4 ,we have had this experience4 ,we have had a daily scramble for life2 and when ,i say we1 ,i include shoals of people4 ,i have the impression that the only people who do not have to scramble are the veterans--the disciples who have been here before and know the ropes4 ,i think they arrive about a week before the first opera1 and engage all the tables for the season4 ,my tribe had tried all kinds of places--some outside of the town1 a mile or two--and have captured only nibblings and odds and ends1 never in any instance a complete and satisfying meal4 ,digestible8 ,no1 the reverse4 ,these odds and ends are going to serve as souvenirs of ,bayreuth1 and in that regard their value is not to be overestimated4 ,photographs fade1 bric-a-brac gets lost1 busts of ,wagner get broken1 but once you absorb a ,bayreuth-restaurant meal it is your possession and your property until the time comes to embalm the rest of you4 ,some of these pilgrims here become1 in effect1 cabinets2 cabinets of souvenirs of ,bayreuth4 ,it is believed among scientists that you could examine the crop of a dead ,bayreuth pilgrim anywhere in the earth and tell where he came from4 ,but ,i like this ballast4 ,i think a 8,hermitage0 scrap-up at eight in the evening1 when all the famine-breeders have been there and laid in their mementoes and gone1 is the quietest thing you can lay on your keelson except gravel4 ,,thursday4--,they keep two teams of singers in stock for the chief roles1 and one of these is composed of the most renowned artists in the world1 with ,materna and ,alvary in the lead4 ,i suppose a double team is necessary2 doubtless a single team would die of exhaustion in a week1 for all the plays last from four in the afternoon till ten at night4 ,nearly all the labor falls upon the half-dozen head singers1 and apparently they are required to furnish all the noise they can for the money4 ,if they feel a soft1 whispery1 mysterious feeling they are required to open out and let the public know it4 ,operas are given only on ,sundays1 ,mondays1 ,wednesdays1 and ,thursdays1 with three days of ostensible rest per week1 and two teams to do the four operas2 but the ostensible rest is devoted largely to rehearsing4 ,it is said that the off days are devoted to rehearsing from some time in the morning till ten at night4 ,are there two orchestras also8 ,it is quite likely1 since there are one hundred and ten names in the orchestra list4 ,yesterday the opera was 8,tristan and ,isolde40 ,i have seen all sorts of audiences--at theaters1 operas1 concerts1 lectures1 sermons1 funerals--but none which was twin to the ,wagner audience of ,bayreuth for fixed and reverential attention4 ,absolute attention and petrified retention to the end of an act of the attitude assumed at the beginning of it4 ,you detect no movement in the solid mass of heads and shoulders4 ,you seem to sit with the dead in the gloom of a tomb4 ,you know that they are being stirred to their profoundest depths2 that there are times when they want to rise and wave handkerchiefs and shout their approbation1 and times when tears are running down their faces1 and it would be a relief to free their pent emotions in sobs or screams2 yet you hear not one utterance till the curtain swings together and the closing strains have slowly faded out and died2 then the dead rise with one impulse and shake the building with their applause4 ,every seat is full in the first act2 there is not a vacant one in the last4 ,if a man would be conspicuous1 let him come here and retire from the house in the midst of an act4 ,it would make him celebrated4 ,this audience reminds me of nothing ,i have ever seen and of nothing ,i have read about except the city in the ,arabian tale where all the inhabitants have been turned to brass and the traveler finds them after centuries mute1 motionless1 and still retaining the attitudes which they last knew in life4 ,here the ,wagner audience dress as they please1 and sit in the dark and worship in silence4 ,at the ,metropolitan in ,new ,york they sit in a glare1 and wear their showiest harness2 they hum airs1 they squeak fans1 they titter1 and they gabble all the time4 ,in some of the boxes the conversation and laughter are so loud as to divide the attention of the house with the stage4 ,in large measure the ,metropolitan is a show-case for rich fashionables who are not trained in ,wagnerian music and have no reverence for it1 but who like to promote art and show their clothes4 ,can that be an agreeable atmosphere to persons in whom this music produces a sort of divine ecstasy and to whom its creator is a very deity1 his stage a temple1 the works of his brain and hands consecrated things1 and the partaking of them with eye and ear a sacred solemnity8 ,manifestly1 no4 ,then1 perhaps the temporary expatriation1 the tedious traversing of seas and continents1 the pilgrimage to ,bayreuth stands explained4 ,these devotees would worship in an atmosphere of devotion4 ,it is only here that they can find it without fleck or blemish or any worldly pollution4 ,in this remote village there are no sights to see1 there is no newspaper to intrude the worries of the distant world1 there is nothing going on1 it is always ,sunday4 ,the pilgrim wends to his temple out of town1 sits out his moving service1 returns to his bed with his heart and soul and his body exhausted by long hours of tremendous emotion1 and he is in no fit condition to do anything but to lie torpid and slowly gather back life and strength for the next service4 ,this opera of 8,tristan and ,isolde0 last night broke the hearts of all witnesses who were of the faith1 and ,i know of some who have heard of many who could not sleep after it1 but cried the night away4 ,i feel strongly out of place here4 ,sometimes ,i feel like the sane person in a community of the mad2 sometimes ,i feel like the one blind man where all others see2 the one groping savage in the college of the learned1 and always1 during service1 ,i feel like a heretic in heaven4 ,but by no means do ,i ever overlook or minify the fact that this is one of the most extraordinary experiences of my life4 ,i have never seen anything like this before4 ,i have never seen anything so great and fine and real as this devotion4 ,,friday4--,yesterday's opera was 8,parsifal0 again4 ,the others went and they show marked advance in appreciation2 but ,i went hunting for relics and reminders of the ,margravine ,wilhelmina1 she of the imperishable 8,memoirs40 ,i am properly grateful to her for her 7unconscious7 satire upon monarchy and nobility1 and therefore nothing which her hand touched or her eye looked upon is indifferent to me4 ,i am her pilgrim2 the rest of this multitude here are ,wagner's4 ,,tuesday4--,i have seen my last two operas2 my season is ended1 and we cross over into ,bohemia this afternoon4 ,i was supposing that my musical regeneration was accomplished and perfected1 because ,i enjoyed both of these operas1 singing and all1 and1 moreover1 one of them was 8,parsifal10 but the experts have disenchanted me4 ,they say3 8,singing6 ,that wasn't singing2 that was the wailing1 screeching of third-rate obscurities1 palmed off on us in the interest of economy40 ,well1 ,i ought to have recognized the sign--the old1 sure sign that has never failed me in matters of art4 ,whenever ,i enjoy anything in art it means that it is mighty poor4 ,the private knowledge of this fact has saved me from going to pieces with enthusiasm in front of many and many a chromo4 ,however1 my base instinct does bring me profit sometimes2 ,i was the only man out of thirty-two hundred who got his money back on those two operas4 ,,william ,,dean ,,howells ,is it true that the sun of a man's mentality touches noon at forty and then begins to wane toward setting8 ,doctor ,osler is charged with saying so4 ,maybe he said it1 maybe he didn't2 ,i don't know which it is4 ,but if he said it1 ,i can point him to a case which proves his rule4 ,proves it by being an exception to it4 ,to this place ,i nominate ,mr4 ,howells4 ,i read his ,venetian ,days about forty years ago4 ,i compare it with his paper on ,machiavelli in a late number of ,harper1 and ,i cannot find that his ,english has suffered any impairment4 ,for forty years his ,english has been to me a continual delight and astonishment4 ,in the sustained exhibition of certain great qualities--clearness1 compression1 verbal exactness1 and unforced and seemingly unconscious felicity of phrasing--he is1 in my belief1 without his peer in the ,english-writing world4 sustained4 ,i entrench myself behind that protecting word4 ,there are others who exhibit those great qualities as greatly as he does1 but only by intervaled distributions of rich moonlight1 with stretches of veiled and dimmer landscape between2 whereas ,howells's moon sails cloudless skies all night and all the nights4 ,in the matter of verbal exactness ,mr4 ,howells has no superior1 ,i suppose4 ,he seems to be almost always able to find that elusive and shifty grain of gold1 the right word4 ,others have to put up with approximations1 more or less frequently2 he has better luck4 ,to me1 the others are miners working with the gold-pan--of necessity some of the gold washes over and escapes2 whereas1 in my fancy1 he is quicksilver raiding down a riffle--no grain of the metal stands much chance of eluding him4 ,a powerful agent is the right word3 it lights the reader's way and makes it plain2 a close approximation to it will answer1 and much traveling is done in a well-enough fashion by its help1 but we do not welcome it and applaud it and rejoice in it as we do when the right one blazes out on us4 ,whenever we come upon one of those intensely right words in a book or a newspaper the resulting effect is physical as well as spiritual1 and electrically prompt3 it tingles exquisitely around through the walls of the mouth and tastes as tart and crisp and good as the autumn-butter that creams the sumac-berry4 ,one has no time to examine the word and vote upon its rank and standing1 the automatic recognition of its supremacy is so immediate4 ,there is a plenty of acceptable literature which deals largely in approximations1 but it may be likened to a fine landscape seen through the rain2 the right word would dismiss the rain1 then you would see it better4 ,it doesn't rain when ,howells is at work4 ,and where does he get the easy and effortless flow of his speech8 and its cadenced and undulating rhythm8 and its architectural felicities of construction1 its graces of expression1 its pemmican quality of compression1 and all that8 ,born to him1 no doubt4 ,all in shining good order in the beginning1 all extraordinary2 and all just as shining1 just as extraordinary today1 after forty years of diligent wear and tear and use4 ,he passed his fortieth year long and long ago2 but ,i think his ,english of today--his perfect ,english1 ,i wish to say--can throw down the glove before his ,english of that antique time and not be afraid4 ,i will go back to the paper on ,machiavelli now1 and ask the reader to examine this passage from it which ,i append4 ,i do not mean examine it in a bird's-eye way2 ,i mean search it1 study it4 ,and1 of course1 read it aloud4 ,i may be wrong1 still it is my conviction that one cannot get out of finely wrought literature all that is in it by reading it mutely3 ,mr4 ,dyer is rather of the opinion1 first luminously suggested by ,macaulay1 that ,machiavelli was in earnest1 but must not be judged as a political moralist of our time and race would be judged4 ,he thinks that ,machiavelli was in earnest1 as none but an idealist can be1 and he is the first to imagine him an idealist immersed in realities1 who involuntarily transmutes the events under his eye into something like the visionary issues of reverie4 ,the ,machiavelli whom he depicts does not cease to be politically a republican and socially a just man because he holds up an atrocious despot like ,caesar ,borgia as a mirror for rulers4 ,what ,machiavelli beheld round him in ,italy was a civic disorder in which there was oppression without statecraft1 and revolt without patriotism4 ,when a miscreant like ,borgia appeared upon the scene and reduced both tyrants and rebels to an apparent quiescence1 he might very well seem to such a dreamer the savior of society whom a certain sort of dreamers are always looking for4 ,machiavelli was no less honest when he honored the diabolical force of ,caesar ,borgia than ,carlyle was when at different times he extolled the strong man who destroys liberty in creating order4 ,but ,carlyle has only just ceased to be mistaken for a reformer1 while it is still ,machiavelli's hard fate to be so trammeled in his material that his name stands for whatever is most malevolent and perfidious in human nature4 ,you see how easy and flowing it is2 how unvexed by ruggednesses1 clumsinesses1 broken meters2 how simple and--so far as you or ,i can make out--unstudied2 how clear1 how limpid1 how understandable1 how unconfused by cross-currents1 eddies1 undertows2 how seemingly unadorned1 yet is all adornment1 like the lily-of-the-valley2 and how compressed1 how compact1 without a complacency-signal hung out anywhere to call attention to it4 ,there are twenty-three lines in the quoted passage4 ,after reading it several times aloud1 one perceives that a good deal of matter is crowded into that small space4 ,i think it is a model of compactness4 ,when ,i take its materials apart and work them over and put them together in my way1 ,i find ,i cannot crowd the result back into the same hole1 there not being room enough4 ,i find it a case of a woman packing a man's trunk3 he can get the things out1 but he can't ever get them back again4 ,the proffered paragraph is a just and fair sample2 the rest of the article is as compact as it is2 there are no waste words4 ,the sample is just in other ways3 limpid1 fluent1 graceful1 and rhythmical as it is1 it holds no superiority in these respects over the rest of the essay4 ,also1 the choice phrasing noticeable in the sample is not lonely2 there is a plenty of its kin distributed through the other paragraphs4 ,this is claiming much when that kin must face the challenge of a phrase like the one in the middle sentence3 8an idealist immersed in realities who involuntarily transmutes the events under his eye into something like the visionary issues of reverie40 ,with a hundred words to do it with1 the literary artisan could catch that airy thought and tie it down and reduce it to a concrete condition1 visible1 substantial1 understandable and all right1 like a cabbage2 but the artist does it with twenty1 and the result is a flower4 ,the quoted phrase1 like a thousand others that have come from the same source1 has the quality of certain scraps of verse which take hold of us and stay in our memories1 we do not understand why1 at first3 all the words being the right words1 none of them is conspicuous1 and so they all seem inconspicuous1 therefore we wonder what it is about them that makes their message take hold4 ,the mossy marbles rest ,on the lips that he has prest ,in their bloom1 ,and the names he loved to hear ,have been carved for many a year ,on the tomb4 ,it is like a dreamy strain of moving music1 with no sharp notes in it4 ,the words are all 8right0 words1 and all the same size4 ,we do not notice it at first4 ,we get the effect1 it goes straight home to us1 but we do not know why4 ,it is when the right words are conspicuous that they thunder3 ,the glory that was ,greece and the grandeur that was ,rome6 ,when ,i go back from ,howells old to ,howells young ,i find him arranging and clustering ,english words well1 but not any better than now4 ,he is not more felicitous in concreting abstractions now than he was in translating1 then1 the visions of the eyes of flesh into words that reproduced their forms and colors3 ,in ,venetian streets they give the fallen snow no rest4 ,it is at once shoveled into the canals by hundreds of half-naked ,,facchini2 and now in ,st4 ,mark's ,place the music of innumerable shovels smote upon my ear2 and ,i saw the shivering legion of poverty as it engaged the elements in a struggle for the possession of the ,piazza4 ,but the snow continued to fall1 and through the twilight of the descending flakes all this toil and encounter looked like that weary kind of effort in dreams1 when the most determined industry seems only to renew the task4 ,the lofty crest of the bell-tower was hidden in the folds of falling snow1 and ,i could no longer see the golden angel upon its summit4 ,but looked at across the ,piazza1 the beautiful outline of ,st4 ,mark's ,church was perfectly penciled in the air1 and the shifting threads of the snowfall were woven into a spell of novel enchantment around the structure that always seemed to me too exquisite in its fantastic loveliness to be anything but the creation of magic4 ,the tender snow had compassionated the beautiful edifice for all the wrongs of time1 and so hid the stains and ugliness of decay that it looked as if just from the hand of the builder--or1 better said1 just from the brain of the architect4 ,there was marvelous freshness in the colors of the mosaics in the great arches of the facade1 and all that gracious harmony into which the temple rises1 of marble scrolls and leafy exuberance airily supporting the statues of the saints1 was a hundred times etherealized by the purity and whiteness of the drifting flakes4 ,the snow lay lightly on the golden globes that tremble like peacocks-crests above the vast domes1 and plumed them with softest white2 it robed the saints in ermine2 and it danced over all its works1 as if exulting in its beauty--beauty which filled me with subtle1 selfish yearning to keep such evanescent loveliness for the little-while-longer of my whole life1 and with despair to think that even the poor lifeless shadow of it could never be fairly reflected in picture or poem4 ,through the wavering snowfall1 the ,saint ,theodore upon one of the granite pillars of the ,piazzetta did not show so grim as his wont is1 and the winged lion on the other might have been a winged lamb1 so gentle and mild he looked by the tender light of the storm4 ,the towers of the island churches loomed faint and far away in the dimness2 the sailors in the rigging of the ships that lay in the ,basin wrought like phantoms among the shrouds2 the gondolas stole in and out of the opaque distance more noiselessly and dreamily than ever2 and a silence1 almost palpable1 lay upon the mutest city in the world4 ,the spirit of ,venice is there3 of a city where ,age and ,decay1 fagged with distributing damage and repulsiveness among the other cities of the planet in accordance with the policy and business of their profession1 come for rest and play between seasons1 and treat themselves to the luxury and relaxation of sinking the shop and inventing and squandering charms all about1 instead of abolishing such as they find1 as is their habit when not on vacation4 ,in the working season they do business in ,boston sometimes1 and a character in the undiscovered country takes accurate note of pathetic effects wrought by them upon the aspects of a street of once dignified and elegant homes whose occupants have moved away and left them a prey to neglect and gradual ruin and progressive degradation2 a descent which reaches bottom at last1 when the street becomes a roost for humble professionals of the faith-cure and fortune-telling sort4 ,what a queer1 melancholy house1 what a queer1 melancholy street6 ,i don't think ,i was ever in a street before where quite so many professional ladies1 with ,english surnames1 preferred ,madam to ,mrs4 on their door-plates4 ,and the poor old place has such a desperately conscious air of going to the deuce4 ,every house seems to wince as you go by1 and button itself up to the chin for fear you should find out it had no shirt on--so to speak4 ,i don't know what's the reason1 but these material tokens of a social decay afflict me terribly2 a tipsy woman isn't dreadfuler than a haggard old house1 that's once been a home1 in a street like this4 ,mr4 ,howells's pictures are not mere stiff1 hard1 accurate photographs2 they are photographs with feeling in them1 and sentiment1 photographs taken in a dream1 one might say4 ,as concerns his humor1 ,i will not try to say anything1 yet ,i would try1 if ,i had the words that might approximately reach up to its high place4 ,i do not think any one else can play with humorous fancies so gracefully and delicately and deliciously as he does1 nor has so many to play with1 nor can come so near making them look as if they were doing the playing themselves and he was not aware that they were at it4 ,for they are unobtrusive1 and quiet in their ways1 and well conducted4 ,his is a humor which flows softly all around about and over and through the mesh of the page1 pervasive1 refreshing1 health-giving1 and makes no more show and no more noise than does the circulation of the blood4 ,there is another thing which is contentingly noticeable in ,mr4 ,howells's books4 ,that is his 8stage directions0--those artifices which authors employ to throw a kind of human naturalness around a scene and a conversation1 and help the reader to see the one and get at meanings in the other which might not be perceived if entrusted unexplained to the bare words of the talk4 ,some authors overdo the stage directions1 they elaborate them quite beyond necessity2 they spend so much time and take up so much room in telling us how a person said a thing and how he looked and acted when he said it that we get tired and vexed and wish he hadn't said it at all4 ,other authors' directions are brief enough1 but it is seldom that the brevity contains either wit or information4 ,writers of this school go in rags1 in the matter of stage directions2 the majority of them having nothing in stock but a cigar1 a laugh1 a blush1 and a bursting into tears4 ,in their poverty they work these sorry things to the bone4 ,they say3 8444 replied ,alfred1 flipping the ash from his cigar40 7,this explains nothing2 it only wastes space47 8444 responded ,richard1 with a laugh40 7,there was nothing to laugh about2 there never is4 ,the writer puts it in from habit--automatically2 he is paying no attention to his work2 or he would see that there is nothing to laugh at2 often1 when a remark is unusually and poignantly flat and silly1 he tries to deceive the reader by enlarging the stage direction and making ,richard break into 8frenzies of uncontrollable laughter40 ,this makes the reader sad47 8444 murmured ,gladys1 blushing40 7,this poor old shop-worn blush is a tiresome thing4 ,we get so we would rather ,gladys would fall out of the book and break her neck than do it again4 ,she is always doing it1 and usually irrelevantly4 ,whenever it is her turn to murmur she hangs out her blush2 it is the only thing she's got4 ,in a little while we hate her1 just as we do ,richard47 8444 repeated ,evelyn1 bursting into tears40 7,this kind keep a book damp all the time4 ,they can't say a thing without crying4 ,they cry so much about nothing that by and by when they have something to cry ,,about they have gone dry2 they sob1 and fetch nothing2 we are not moved4 ,we are only glad47 ,they gravel me1 these stale and overworked stage directions1 these carbon films that got burnt out long ago and cannot now carry any faintest thread of light4 ,it would be well if they could be relieved from duty and flung out in the literary back yard to rot and disappear along with the discarded and forgotten 8steeds0 and 8halidomes0 and similar stage-properties once so dear to our grandfathers4 ,but ,i am friendly to ,mr4 ,howells's stage directions2 more friendly to them than to any one else's1 ,i think4 ,they are done with a competent and discriminating art1 and are faithful to the requirements of a stage direction's proper and lawful office1 which is to inform4 ,sometimes they convey a scene and its conditions so well that ,i believe ,i could see the scene and get the spirit and meaning of the accompanying dialogue if some one would read merely the stage directions to me and leave out the talk4 ,for instance1 a scene like this1 from ,the ,undiscovered ,country3 8444 and she laid her arms with a beseeching gesture on her father's shoulder40 8444 she answered1 following his gesture with a glance40 8444 she said1 laughing nervously40 8444 she asked1 turning swiftly upon him that strange1 searching glance40 8444 she answered1 vaguely40 8444 she reluctantly admitted40 8444 but her voice died wearily away1 and she stood looking into his face with puzzled entreaty40 ,mr4 ,howells does not repeat his forms1 and does not need to2 he can invent fresh ones without limit4 ,it is mainly the repetition over and over again1 by the third-rates1 of worn and commonplace and juiceless forms that makes their novels such a weariness and vexation to us1 ,i think4 ,we do not mind one or two deliveries of their wares1 but as we turn the pages over and keep on meeting them we presently get tired of them and wish they would do other things for a change4 8444 replied ,alfred1 flipping the ash from his cigar40 8444 responded ,richard1 with a laugh40 8444 murmured ,gladys1 blushing40 8444 repeated ,evelyn1 bursting into tears40 8444 replied the ,earl1 flipping the ash from his cigar40 8444 responded the undertaker1 with a laugh40 8444 murmured the chambermaid1 blushing40 8444 repeated the burglar1 bursting into tears40 8444 replied the conductor1 flipping the ash from his cigar40 8444 responded ,arkwright1 with a laugh40 8444 murmured the chief of police1 blushing40 8444 repeated the house-cat1 bursting into tears40 ,and so on and so on2 till at last it ceases to excite4 ,i always notice stage directions1 because they fret me and keep me trying to get out of their way1 just as the automobiles do4 ,at first2 then by and by they become monotonous and ,i get run over4 ,mr4 ,howells has done much work1 and the spirit of it is as beautiful as the make of it4 ,i have held him in admiration and affection so many years that ,i know by the number of those years that he is old now2 but his heart isn't1 nor his pen2 and years do not count4 ,let him have plenty of them2 there is profit in them for us4 ,,english ,,as ,,she ,,is ,,taught ,in the appendix to ,croker's ,boswell's ,johnson one finds this anecdote3 ,cato's ,soliloquy4--,one day ,mrs4 ,gastrel set a little girl to repeat to him 7,dr4 ,samuel ,johnson7 ,cato's ,soliloquy1 which she went through very correctly4 ,the ,doctor1 after a pause1 asked the child3 8,what was to bring ,cato to an end80 ,she said it was a knife4 8,no1 my dear1 it was not so40 8,my aunt ,polly said it was a knife40 8,why1 ,aunt ,polly's knife may do1 but it was a dagger1 my dear40 ,he then asked her the meaning of 8bane and antidote10 which she was unable to give4 ,mrs4 ,gastrel said3 8,you cannot expect so young a child to know the meaning of such words40 ,he then said3 8,my dear1 how many pence are there in sixpence80 8,i cannot tell1 sir10 was the half-terrified reply4 ,on this1 addressing himself to ,mrs4 ,gastrel1 he said3 8,now1 my dear lady1 can anything be more ridiculous than to teach a child ,cato's ,soliloquy1 who does not know how many pence there are in sixpence80 ,in a lecture before the ,royal ,geographical ,society ,professor ,ravenstein quoted the following list of frantic questions1 and said that they had been asked in an examination3 ,mention all the names of places in the world derived from ,julius ,caesar or ,augustus ,caesar4 ,where are the following rivers3 ,pisuerga1 ,sakaria1 ,guadalete1 ,jalon1 ,mulde8 ,all you know of the following3 ,machacha1 ,pilmo1 ,schebulos1 ,crivoscia1 ,basecs1 ,mancikert1 ,taxhem1 ,citeaux1 ,meloria1 ,zutphen4 ,the highest peaks of the ,karakorum range4 ,the number of universities in ,prussia4 ,why are the tops of mountains continually covered with snow 7sic78 ,name the length and breadth of the streams of lava which issued from the ,skaptar ,jokul in the eruption of #aghc4 ,that list would oversize nearly anybody's geographical knowledge4 ,isn't it reasonably possible that in our schools many of the questions in all studies are several miles ahead of where the pupil is8--that he is set to struggle with things that are ludicrously beyond his present reach1 hopelessly beyond his present strength8 ,this remark in passing1 and by way of text2 now ,i come to what ,i was going to say4 ,i have just now fallen upon a darling literary curiosity4 ,it is a little book1 a manuscript compilation1 and the compiler sent it to me with the request that ,i say whether ,i think it ought to be published or not4 ,i said1 ,yes2 but as ,i slowly grow wise ,i briskly grow cautious2 and so1 now that the publication is imminent1 it has seemed to me that ,i should feel more comfortable if ,i could divide up this responsibility with the public by adding them to the court4 ,therefore ,i will print some extracts from the book1 in the hope that they may make converts to my judgment that the volume has merit which entitles it to publication4 ,as to its character4 ,every one has sampled 8,english as ,she is ,spoke0 and 8,english as ,she is ,wrote02 this little volume furnishes us an instructive array of examples of 8,english as ,she is ,taught0--in the public schools of--well1 this country4 ,the collection is made by a teacher in those schools1 and all the examples in it are genuine2 none of them have been tampered with1 or doctored in any way4 ,from time to time1 during several years1 whenever a pupil has delivered himself of anything peculiarly quaint or toothsome in the course of his recitations1 this teacher and her associates have privately set that thing down in a memorandum-book2 strictly following the original1 as to grammar1 construction1 spelling1 and all2 and the result is this literary curiosity4 ,the contents of the book consist mainly of answers given by the boys and girls to questions1 said answers being given sometimes verbally1 sometimes in writing4 ,the subjects touched upon are fifteen in number3 ,i4 ,etymology2 ,,ii4 ,grammar2 ,,iii4 ,mathematics2 ,,iv4 ,geography2 ,v4 8,original02 ,,vi4 ,analysis2 ,,vii4 ,history2 ,,viii4 8,intellectual02 ,,ix4 ,philosophy2 ,x4 ,physiology2 ,,xi4 ,astronomy2 ,,xii4 ,politics2 ,,xiii4 ,music2 ,,xiv4 ,oratory2 ,,xv4 ,metaphysics4 ,you perceive that the poor little young idea has taken a shot at a good many kinds of game in the course of the book4 ,now as to results4 ,here are some quaint definitions of words4 ,it will be noticed that in all of these instances the sound of the word1 or the look of it on paper1 has misled the child3 ,,aborigines1 a system of mountains4 ,,alias1 a good man in the ,bible4 ,,amenable1 anything that is mean4 ,,ammonia1 the food of the gods4 ,,assiduity1 state of being an acid4 ,,auriferous1 pertaining to an orifice4 ,,capillary1 a little caterpillar4 ,,corniferous1 rocks in which fossil corn is found4 ,,emolument1 a headstone to a grave4 ,,equestrian1 one who asks questions4 ,,eucharist1 one who plays euchre4 ,,franchise1 anything belonging to the ,french4 ,,idolater1 a very idle person4 ,,ipecac1 a man who likes a good dinner4 ,,irrigate1 to make fun of4 ,,mendacious1 what can be mended4 ,,mercenary1 one who feels for another4 ,,parasite1 a kind of umbrella4 ,,parasite1 the murder of an infant4 ,,publican1 a man who does his prayers in public4 ,,tenacious1 ten acres of land4 ,here is one where the phrase 8publicans and sinners0 has got mixed up in the child's mind with politics1 and the result is a definition which takes one in a sudden and unexpected way3 ,,republican1 a sinner mentioned in the ,bible4 ,also in ,democratic newspapers now and then4 ,here are two where the mistake has resulted from sound assisted by remote fact3 ,,plagiarist1 a writer of plays4 ,,demagogue1 a vessel containing beer and other liquids4 ,i cannot quite make out what it was that misled the pupil in the following instances2 it would not seem to have been the sound of the word1 nor the look of it in print3 ,,asphyxia1 a grumbling1 fussy temper4 ,,quarternions1 a bird with a flat beak and no bill1 living in ,new ,zealand4 ,,quarternions1 the name given to a style of art practiced by the ,phoenicians4 ,,quarternions1 a religious convention held every hundred years4 ,,sibilant1 the state of being idiotic4 ,,crosier1 a staff carried by the ,deity4 ,in the following sentences the pupil's ear has been deceiving him again3 ,the marriage was illegible4 ,he was totally dismasted with the whole performance4 ,he enjoys riding on a philosopher4 ,she was very quick at repertoire4 ,he prayed for the waters to subsidize4 ,the leopard is watching his sheep4 ,they had a strawberry vestibule4 ,here is one which--well1 now1 how often we do slam right into the truth without ever suspecting it3 ,the men employed by the ,gas ,company go around and speculate the meter4 ,indeed they do1 dear2 and when you grow up1 many and many's the time you will notice it in the gas bill4 ,in the following sentences the little people have some information to convey1 every time2 but in my case they fail to connect3 the light always went out on the keystone word3 ,the coercion of some things is remarkable2 as bread and molasses4 ,her hat is contiguous because she wears it on one side4 ,he preached to an egregious congregation4 ,the captain eliminated a bullet through the man's heart4 ,you should take caution and be precarious4 ,the supercilious girl acted with vicissitude when the perennial time came4 ,the last is a curiously plausible sentence2 one seems to know what it means1 and yet he knows all the time that he doesn't4 ,here is an odd 7but entirely proper7 use of a word1 and a most sudden descent from a lofty philosophical altitude to a very practical and homely illustration3 ,we should endeavor to avoid extremes--like those of wasps and bees4 ,and here--with 8zoological0 and 8geological0 in his mind1 but not ready to his tongue--the small scholar has innocently gone and let out a couple of secrets which ought never to have been divulged in any circumstances3 ,there are a good many donkeys in theological gardens4 ,some of the best fossils are found in theological cabinets4 ,under the head of 8,grammar0 the little scholars furnish the following information3 ,gender is the distinguishing nouns without regard to sex4 ,a verb is something to eat4 ,adverbs should always be used as adjectives and adjectives as adverbs4 ,every sentence and name of ,god must begin with a caterpillar4 8,caterpillar0 is well enough1 but capital letter would have been stricter4 ,the following is a brave attempt at a solution1 but it failed to liquify3 ,when they are going to say some prose or poetry before they say the poetry or prose they must put a semicolon just after the introduction of the prose or poetry4 ,the chapter on 8,mathematics0 is full of fruit4 ,from it ,i take a few samples--mainly in an unripe state3 ,a straight line is any distance between two places4 ,parallel lines are lines that can never meet until they run together4 ,a circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle4 ,things which are equal to each other are equal to anything else4 ,to find the number of square feet in a room you multiply the room by the number of the feet4 ,the product is the result4 ,right you are4 ,in the matter of geography this little book is unspeakably rich4 ,the questions do not appear to have applied the microscope to the subject1 as did those quoted by ,professor ,ravenstein2 still1 they proved plenty difficult enough without that4 ,these pupils did not hunt with a microscope1 they hunted with a shot-gun2 this is shown by the crippled condition of the game they brought in3 ,america is divided into the ,passiffic slope and the ,mississippi valey4 ,north ,america is separated by ,spain4 ,america consists from north to south about five hundred miles4 ,the ,united ,states is quite a small country compared with some other countrys1 but is about as industrious4 ,the capital of the ,united ,states is ,long ,island4 ,the five seaports of the ,u4,s4 are ,newfunlan and ,sanfrancisco4 ,the principal products of the ,u4,s4 is earthquakes and volcanoes4 ,the ,alaginnies are mountains in ,philadelphia4 ,the ,rocky ,mountains are on the western side of ,philadelphia4 ,cape ,hateras is a vast body of water surrounded by land and flowing into the ,gulf of ,mexico4 ,mason and ,dixon's line is the ,equator4 ,one of the leading industries of the ,united ,states is mollasses1 book-covers1 numbers1 gas1 teaching1 lumber1 manufacturers1 paper-making1 publishers1 coal4 ,in ,austria the principal occupation is gathering ,austrich feathers4 ,gibraltar is an island built on a rock4 ,russia is very cold and tyrannical4 ,sicily is one of the ,sandwich ,islands4 ,hindoostan flows through the ,ganges and empties into the ,mediterranean ,sea4 ,ireland is called the ,emigrant ,isle because it is so beautiful and green4 ,the width of the different zones ,europe lies in depend upon the surrounding country4 ,the imports of a country are the things that are paid for1 the exports are the things that are not4 ,climate lasts all the time and weather only a few days4 ,the two most famous volcanoes of ,europe are ,sodom and ,gomorrah4 ,the chapter headed 8,analysis0 shows us that the pupils in our public schools are not merely loaded up with those showy facts about geography1 mathematics1 and so on1 and left in that incomplete state2 no1 there's machinery for clarifying and expanding their minds4 ,they are required to take poems and analyze them1 dig out their common sense1 reduce them to statistics1 and reproduce them in a luminous prose translation which shall tell you at a glance what the poet was trying to get at4 ,one sample will do4 ,here is a stanza from 8,the ,lady of the ,lake10 followed by the pupil's impressive explanation of it3 ,alone1 but with unbated zeal1 ,the horseman plied with scourge and steel2 ,for jaded now and spent with toil1 ,embossed with foam and dark with soil1 ,while every gasp with sobs he drew1 ,the laboring stag strained full in view4 ,the man who rode on the horse performed the whip and an instrument made of steel alone with strong ardor not diminishing1 for1 being tired from the time passed with hard labor overworked with anger and ignorant with weariness1 while every breath for labor he drew with cries full of sorrow1 the young deer made imperfect who worked hard filtered in sight4 ,i see1 now1 that ,i never understood that poem before4 ,i have had glimpses of its meaning1 in moments when ,i was not as ignorant with weariness as usual1 but this is the first time the whole spacious idea of it ever filtered in sight4 ,if ,i were a public-school pupil ,i would put those other studies aside and stick to analysis2 for1 after all1 it is the thing to spread your mind4 ,we come now to historical matters1 historical remains1 one might say4 ,as one turns the pages he is impressed with the depth to which one date has been driven into the ,american child's head--#adib4 ,the date is there1 and it is there to stay4 ,and it is always at hand1 always deliverable at a moment's notice4 ,but the ,fact that belongs with it8 ,that is quite another matter4 ,only the date itself is familiar and sure3 its vast ,fact has failed of lodgment4 ,it would appear that whenever you ask a public-school pupil when a thing--anything1 no matter what--happened1 and he is in doubt1 he always rips out his #adib4 ,he applies it to everything1 from the landing of the ark to the introduction of the horse-car4 ,well1 after all1 it is our first date1 and so it is right enough to honor it1 and pay the public schools to teach our children to honor it3 ,george ,washington was born in #adib4 ,washington wrote the ,declaration of ,independence in #adib4 ,st4 ,bartholemew was massacred in #adib4 ,the ,brittains were the ,saxons who entered ,england in #adib under ,julius ,caesar4 ,the earth is #adib miles in circumference4 ,to proceed with 8,history0 ,christopher ,columbus was called the ,father of his ,country4 ,queen ,isabella of ,spain sold her watch and chain and other millinery so that ,columbus could discover ,america4 ,the ,indian wars were very desecrating to the country4 ,the ,indians pursued their warfare by hiding in the bushes and then scalping them4 ,captain ,john ,smith has been styled the father of his country4 ,his life was saved by his daughter ,pochahantas4 ,the ,puritans found an insane asylum in the wilds of ,america4 ,the ,stamp ,act was to make everybody stamp all materials so they should be null and void4 ,washington died in ,spain almost broken-hearted4 ,his remains were taken to the cathedral in ,havana4 ,gorilla warfare was where men rode on gorillas4 ,john ,brown was a very good insane man who tried to get fugitives slaves into ,virginia4 ,he captured all the inhabitants1 but was finally conquered and condemned to his death4 ,the confederasy was formed by the fugitive slaves4 ,alfred the ,great reigned #hgb years4 ,he was distinguished for letting some buckwheat cakes burn1 and the lady scolded him4 ,henry ,eight was famous for being a great widower haveing lost several wives4 ,lady ,jane ,grey studied ,greek and ,latin and was beheaded after a few days4 ,john ,bright is noted for an incurable disease4 ,lord ,james ,gordon ,bennet instigated the ,gordon ,riots4 ,the ,middle ,ages come in between antiquity and posterity4 ,luther introduced ,christianity into ,england a good many thousand years ago4 ,his birthday was ,november #ahhc4 ,he was once a ,pope4 ,he lived at the time of the ,rebellion of ,worms4 ,julius ,caesar is noted for his famous telegram dispatch ,i came ,i saw ,i conquered4 ,julius ,caesar was really a very great man4 ,he was a very great soldier and wrote a book for beginners in the ,latin4 ,cleopatra was caused by the death of an asp which she dissolved in a wine cup4 ,the only form of government in ,greece was a limited monkey4 ,the ,persian war lasted about #ejj years4 ,greece had only #g wise men4 ,socrates444 destroyed some statues and had to drink ,shamrock4 ,here is a fact correctly stated2 and yet it is phrased with such ingenious infelicity that it can be depended upon to convey misinformation every time it is uncarefully read3 ,by the ,salic law no woman or descendant of a woman could occupy the throne4 ,to show how far a child can travel in history with judicious and diligent boosting in the public school1 we select the following mosaic3 ,abraham ,lincoln was born in ,wales in #aeii4 ,in the chapter headed 8,intellectual0 ,i find a great number of most interesting statements4 ,a sample or two may be found not amiss3 ,bracebridge ,hall was written by ,henry ,irving4 ,snow ,bound was written by ,peter ,cooper4 ,the ,house of the ,seven ,gables was written by ,lord ,bryant4 ,edgar ,a4 ,poe was a very curdling writer4 ,cotton ,mather was a writer who invented the cotten gin and wrote histories4 ,beowulf wrote the ,scriptures4 ,ben ,johnson survived ,shakspeare in some respects4 ,in the ,canterbury ,tale it gives account of ,king ,alfred on his way to the shrine of ,thomas ,bucket4 ,chaucer was the father of ,english pottery4 ,chaucer was a bland verse writer of the third century4 ,chaucer was succeeded by ,h4 ,wads4 ,longfellow an ,american ,writer4 ,his writings were chiefly prose and nearly one hundred years elapsed4 ,shakspere translated the ,scriptures and it was called ,st4 ,james because he did it4 ,in the middle of the chapter ,i find many pages of information concerning ,shakespeare's plays1 ,milton's works1 and those of ,bacon1 ,addison1 ,samuel ,johnson1 ,fielding1 ,richardson1 ,sterne1 ,smollett1 ,de ,foe1 ,locke1 ,pope1 ,swift1 ,goldsmith1 ,burns1 ,cowper1 ,wordsworth1 ,gibbon1 ,byron1 ,coleridge1 ,hood1 ,scott1 ,macaulay1 ,george ,eliot1 ,dickens1 ,bulwer1 ,thackeray1 ,browning1 ,mrs4 ,browning1 ,tennyson1 and ,disraeli--a fact which shows that into the restricted stomach of the public-school pupil is shoveled every year the blood1 bone1 and viscera of a gigantic literature1 and the same is there digested and disposed of in a most successful and characteristic and gratifying public-school way4 ,i have space for but a trifling few of the results3 ,lord ,byron was the son of an heiress and a drunken man4 ,wm4 ,wordsworth wrote the ,barefoot ,boy and ,imitations on ,immortality4 ,gibbon wrote a history of his travels in ,italy4 ,this was original4 ,george ,eliot left a wife and children who mourned greatly for his genius4 ,george ,eliot ,miss ,mary ,evans ,mrs4 ,cross ,mrs4 ,lewis was the greatest female poet unless ,george ,sands is made an exception of4 ,bulwell is considered a good writer4 ,sir ,walter ,scott ,charles ,bronte ,alfred the ,great and ,johnson were the first great novelists4 ,thomas ,babington ,makorlay graduated at ,harvard and then studied law1 he was raised to the peerage as baron in #aeeg and died in #aggf4 ,here are two or three miscellaneous facts that may be of value1 if taken in moderation3 ,homer's writings are ,homer's ,essays ,virgil the ,aenid and ,paradise lost some people say that these poems were not written by ,homer but by another man of the same name4 ,a sort of sadness kind of shone in ,bryant's poems4 ,holmes is a very profligate and amusing writer4 ,when the public-school pupil wrestles with the political features of the ,great ,republic1 they throw him sometimes3 ,a bill becomes a law when the ,president vetoes it4 ,the three departments of the government is the ,president rules the world1 the governor rules the ,state1 the mayor rules the city4 ,the first conscientious ,congress met in ,philadelphia4 ,the ,constitution of the ,united ,states was established to ensure domestic hostility4 ,truth crushed to earth will rise again4 ,as follows3 ,the ,constitution of the ,united ,states is that part of the book at the end which nobody reads4 ,and here she rises once more and untimely4 ,there should be a limit to public-school instruction2 it cannot be wise or well to let the young find out everything3 ,congress is divided into civilized half civilized and savage4 ,here are some results of study in music and oratory3 ,an interval in music is the distance on the keyboard from one piano to the next4 ,a rest means you are not to sing it4 ,emphasis is putting more distress on one word than another4 ,the chapter on 8,physiology0 contains much that ought not to be lost to science3 ,physillogigy is to study about your bones stummick and vertebry4 ,occupations which are injurious to health are cabolic acid gas which is impure blood4 ,we have an upper and lower skin4 ,the lower skin moves all the time and the upper skin moves when we do4 ,the body is mostly composed of water and about one half is avaricious tissue4 ,the stomach is a small pear-shaped bone situated in the body4 ,the gastric juice keeps the bones from creaking4 ,the ,chyle flows up the middle of the backbone and reaches the heart where it meets the oxygen and is purified4 ,the salivary glands are used to salivate the body4 ,in the stomach starch is changed to cane sugar and cane sugar to sugar cane4 ,the olfactory nerve enters the cavity of the orbit and is developed into the special sense of hearing4 ,the growth of a tooth begins in the back of the mouth and extends to the stomach4 ,if we were on a railroad track and a train was coming the train would deafen our ears so that we couldn't see to get off the track4 ,if1 up to this point1 none of my quotations have added flavor to the ,johnsonian anecdote at the head of this article1 let us make another attempt3 ,the theory that intuitive truths are discovered by the light of nature originated from ,st4 ,john's interpretation of a passage in the ,gospel of ,plato4 ,the weight of the earth is found by comparing a mass of known lead with that of a mass of unknown lead4 ,to find the weight of the earth take the length of a degree on a meridian and multiply by #fb #a_/b pounds4 ,the spheres are to each other as the squares of their homologous sides4 ,a body will go just as far in the first second as the body will go plus the force of gravity and that's equal to twice what the body will go4 ,specific gravity is the weight to be compared weight of an equal volume of or that is the weight of a body compared with the weight of an equal volume4 ,the law of fluid pressure divide the different forms of organized bodies by the form of attraction and the number increased will be the form4 ,inertia is that property of bodies by virtue of which it cannot change its own condition of rest or motion4 ,in other words it is the negative quality of passiveness either in recoverable latency or insipient latescence4 ,if a laugh is fair here1 not the struggling child1 nor the unintelligent teacher--or rather the unintelligent ,boards1 ,committees1 and ,trustees--are the proper target for it4 ,all through this little book one detects the signs of a certain probable fact--that a large part of the pupil's 8instruction0 consists in cramming him with obscure and wordy 8rules0 which he does not understand and has no time to understand4 ,it would be as useful to cram him with brickbats2 they would at least stay4 ,in a town in the interior of ,new ,york1 a few years ago1 a gentleman set forth a mathematical problem and proposed to give a prize to every public-school pupil who should furnish the correct solution of it4 ,twenty-two of the brightest boys in the public schools entered the contest4 ,the problem was not a very difficult one for pupils of their mathematical rank and standing1 yet they all failed--by a hair--through one trifling mistake or another4 ,some searching questions were asked1 when it turned out that these lads were as glib as parrots with the 8rules10 but could not reason out a single rule or explain the principle underlying it4 ,their memories had been stocked1 but not their understandings4 ,it was a case of brickbat culture1 pure and simple4 ,there are several curious 8compositions0 in the little book1 and we must make room for one4 ,it is full of navet1 brutal truth1 and unembarrassed directness1 and is the funniest 7genuine7 boy's composition ,i think ,i have ever seen3 ,,on ,,girls ,girls are very stuck up and dignefied in their maner and be have your4 ,they think more of dress than anything and like to play with dowls and rags4 ,they cry if they see a cow in a far distance and are afraid of guns4 ,they stay at home all the time and go to church on ,sunday4 ,they are al-ways sick4 ,they are always funy and making fun of boy's hands and they say how dirty4 ,they cant play marbels4 ,i pity them poor things4 ,they make fun of boys and then turn round and love them4 ,i dont beleave they ever kiled a cat or anything4 ,they look out every nite and say oh ant the moon lovely4 ,thir is one thing ,i have not told and that is they al-ways now their lessons bettern boys4 ,from ,mr4 ,edward ,channing's recent article in ,science3 ,the marked difference between the books now being produced by ,french1 ,english1 and ,american travelers1 on the one hand1 and ,german explorers1 on the other1 is too great to escape attention4 ,that difference is due entirely to the fact that in school and university the ,german is taught1 in the first place to see1 and in the second place to understand what he does see4 ,a ,,simplified ,,alphabet 7,this article1 written during the autumn of #ahii1 was about the last writing done by ,mark ,twain on any impersonal subject47 ,i have had a kindly feeling1 a friendly feeling1 a cousinly feeling toward ,simplified ,spelling1 from the beginning of the movement three years ago1 but nothing more inflamed than that4 ,it seemed to me to merely propose to substitute one inadequacy for another2 a sort of patching and plugging poor old dental relics with cement and gold and porcelain paste2 what was really wanted was a new set of teeth4 ,that is to say1 a new alphabet4 ,the heart of our trouble is with our foolish alphabet4 ,it doesn't know how to spell1 and can't be taught4 ,in this it is like all other alphabets except one--the phonographic4 ,that is the only competent alphabet in the world4 ,it can spell and correctly pronounce any word in our language4 ,that admirable alphabet1 that brilliant alphabet1 that inspired alphabet1 can be learned in an hour or two4 ,in a week the student can learn to write it with some little facility1 and to read it with considerable ease4 ,i know1 for ,i saw it tried in a public school in ,nevada forty-five years ago1 and was so impressed by the incident that it has remained in my memory ever since4 ,i wish we could adopt it in place of our present written 7and printed7 character4 ,i mean simply the alphabet2 simply the consonants and the vowels--,i don't mean any reductions or abbreviations of them1 such as the shorthand writer uses in order to get compression and speed4 ,no1 ,i would spell every word out4 ,i will insert the alphabet here as ,i find it in ,burnz's ,phonic ,shorthand4 7,figure #a7 ,it is arranged on the basis of ,isaac ,pitman's ,phonography4 ,isaac ,pitman was the originator and father of scientific phonography4 ,it is used throughout the globe4 ,it was a memorable invention4 ,he made it public seventy-three years ago4 ,the firm of ,isaac ,pitman ,sons1 ,new ,york1 still exists1 and they continue the master's work4 ,what should we gain8 ,first of all1 we could spell definitely--and correctly--any word you please1 just by the sound of it4 ,we can't do that with our present alphabet4 ,for instance1 take a simple1 every-day word phthisis4 ,if we tried to spell it by the sound of it1 we should make it ,,tysis1 and be laughed at by every educated person4 ,secondly1 we should gain in reduction of labor in writing4 ,simplified ,spelling makes valuable reductions in the case of several hundred words1 but the new spelling must be learned4 ,you can't spell them by the sound2 you must get them out of the book4 ,but even if we knew the simplified form for every word in the language1 the phonographic alphabet would still beat the ,simplified ,speller 8hands down0 in the important matter of economy of labor4 ,i will illustrate3 ,,present ,,form3 through1 laugh1 highland4 ,,simplified ,,form3 thru1 laff1 hyland4 ,,phonographic ,,form3 7,figure #b7 ,to write the word 8through10 the pen has to make twenty-one strokes4 ,to write the word 8thru10 the pen has to make twelve strokes--a good saving4 ,to write that same word with the phonographic alphabet1 the pen has to make only three strokes4 ,to write the word 8laugh10 the pen has to make fourteen strokes4 ,to write 8laff10 the pen has to make the same number of strokes--no labor is saved to the penman4 ,to write the same word with the phonographic alphabet1 the pen has to make only three strokes4 ,to write the word 8highland10 the pen has to make twenty-two strokes4 ,to write 8hyland10 the pen has to make eighteen strokes4 ,to write that word with the phonographic alphabet1 the pen has to make only ,,five strokes4 7,figure #c7 ,to write the words 8phonographic alphabet10 the pen has to make fifty-three strokes4 ,to write 8fonografic alfabet10 the pen has to make fifty strokes4 ,to the penman1 the saving in labor is insignificant4 ,to write that word 7with vowels7 with the phonographic alphabet1 the pen has to make only seventeen strokes4 ,without the vowels1 only thirteen strokes4 7,figure #d7 ,the vowels are hardly necessary1 this time4 ,we make five pen-strokes in writing an m4 ,thus3 7,figure #e7 a stroke down2 a stroke up2 a second stroke down2 a second stroke up2 a final stroke down4 ,total1 five4 ,the phonographic alphabet accomplishes the m with a single stroke--a curve1 like a parenthesis that has come home drunk and has fallen face down right at the front door where everybody that goes along will see him and say1 ,alas6 ,when our written m is not the end of a word1 but is otherwise located1 it has to be connected with the next letter1 and that requires another pen-stroke1 making six in all1 before you get rid of that m4 ,but never mind about the connecting strokes--let them go4 ,without counting them1 the twenty-six letters of our alphabet consumed about eighty pen-strokes for their construction--about three pen-strokes per letter4 ,it is three times the number required by the phonographic alphabet4 ,it requires but one stroke for each letter4 ,my writing-gait is--well1 ,i don't know what it is1 but ,i will time myself and see4 ,result3 it is twenty-four words per minute4 ,i don't mean composing2 ,i mean copying4 ,there isn't any definite composing-gait4 ,very well1 my copying-gait is #a1ddj words per hour--say #a1ejj4 ,if ,i could use the phonographic character with facility ,i could do the #a1ejj in twenty minutes4 ,i could do nine hours' copying in three hours2 ,i could do three years' copying in one year4 ,also1 if ,i had a typewriting machine with the phonographic alphabet on it--oh1 the miracles ,i could do6 ,i am not pretending to write that character well4 ,i have never had a lesson1 and ,i am copying the letters from the book4 ,but ,i can accomplish my desire1 at any rate1 which is1 to make the reader get a good and clear idea of the advantage it would be to us if we could discard our present alphabet and put this better one in its place--using it in books1 newspapers1 with the typewriter1 and with the pen4 7,figure #f7--,man ,dog ,horse4 ,i think it is graceful and would look comely in print4 ,and consider--once more1 ,i beg--what a labor-saver it is6 ,ten pen-strokes with the one system to convey those three words above1 and thirty-three by the other6 7,figure #g7 ,i mean1 in ,,some ways1 not in all4 ,i suppose ,i might go so far as to say in most ways1 and be within the facts1 but never mind2 let it go at some4 ,one of the ways in which it exercises this birthright is--as ,i think--continuing to use our laughable alphabet these seventy-three years while there was a rational one at hand1 to be had for the taking4 ,it has taken five hundred years to simplify some of ,chaucer's rotten spelling--if ,i may be allowed to use so frank a term as that--and it will take five hundred more to get our exasperating new ,simplified ,corruptions accepted and running smoothly4 ,and we sha'n't be any better off then than we are now2 for in that day we shall still have the privilege the ,simplifiers are exercising now3 anybody can change the spelling that wants to4 ,but you can't change the phonographic spelling2 there isn't any way4 ,it will always follow the ,,sound4 ,if you want to change the spelling1 you have to change the sound first4 ,mind1 ,i myself am a ,simplified ,speller2 ,i belong to that unhappy guild that is patiently and hopefully trying to reform our drunken old alphabet by reducing his whiskey4 ,well1 it will improve him4 ,when they get through and have reformed him all they can by their system he will be only ,,half drunk4 ,above that condition their system can never lift him4 ,there is no competent1 and lasting1 and real reform for him but to take away his whiskey entirely1 and fill up his jug with ,pitman's wholesome and undiseased alphabet4 ,one great drawback to ,simplified ,spelling is1 that in print a simplified word looks so like the very nation6 and when you bunch a whole squadron of the ,simplified together the spectacle is very nearly unendurable4 ,the da ma ov koars kum when the publik ma be expektd to get rekonsyled to the bezair asspekt of the ,simplified ,kombynashuns1 but--if ,i may be allowed the expression--is it worth the wasted time8 7,figure #h7 ,to see our letters put together in ways to which we are not accustomed offends the eye1 and also takes the expression out of the words4 ,la on1 ,makduf1 and damd be he hoo furst krys hold1 enuf6 ,it doesn't thrill you as it used to do4 ,the simplifications have sucked the thrill all out of it4 ,but a written character with which we are not acquainted does not offend us--,greek1 ,hebrew1 ,russian1 ,arabic1 and the others--they have an interesting look1 and we see beauty in them1 too4 ,and this is true of hieroglyphics1 as well4 ,there is something pleasant and engaging about the mathematical signs when we do not understand them4 ,the mystery hidden in these things has a fascination for us3 we can't come across a printed page of shorthand without being impressed by it and wishing we could read it4 ,very well1 what ,i am offering for acceptance and adoption is not shorthand1 but longhand1 written with the ,shorthand ,alphabet ,unreduced4 ,you can write three times as many words in a minute with it as you can write with our alphabet4 ,and so1 in a way1 it is properly a shorthand4 ,it has a pleasant look1 too2 a beguiling look1 an inviting look4 ,i will write something in it1 in my rude and untaught way3 7,figure #i7 ,even when ,i do it it comes out prettier than it does in ,simplified ,spelling4 ,yes1 and in the ,simplified it costs one hundred and twenty-three pen-strokes to write it1 whereas in the phonographic it costs only twenty-nine4 7,figure #i7 is probably 7,figure #aj74 ,let us hope so1 anyway4 ,,as ,,concerns ,,interpreting ,,the ,,deity ,i ,this line of hieroglyphs was for fourteen years the despair of all the scholars who labored over the mysteries of the ,rosetta stone3 7,figure #a7 ,after five years of study ,champollion translated it thus3 ,therefore let the worship of ,epiphanes be maintained in all the temples1 this upon pain of death4 ,that was the twenty-fourth translation that had been furnished by scholars4 ,for a time it stood4 ,but only for a time4 ,then doubts began to assail it and undermine it1 and the scholars resumed their labors4 ,three years of patient work produced eleven new translations2 among them1 this1 by ,grunfeldt1 was received with considerable favor3 ,the horse of ,epiphanes shall be maintained at the public expense2 this upon pain of death4 ,but the following rendering1 by ,gospodin1 was received by the learned world with yet greater favor3 ,the priest shall explain the wisdom of ,epiphanes to all these people1 and these shall listen with reverence1 upon pain of death4 ,seven years followed1 in which twenty-one fresh and widely varying renderings were scored--none of them quite convincing4 ,but now1 at last1 came ,rawlinson1 the youngest of all the scholars1 with a translation which was immediately and universally recognized as being the correct version1 and his name became famous in a day4 ,so famous1 indeed1 that even the children were familiar with it2 and such a noise did the achievement itself make that not even the noise of the monumental political event of that same year--the flight from ,elba--was able to smother it to silence4 ,rawlinson's version reads as follows3 ,therefore1 walk not away from the wisdom of ,epiphanes1 but turn and follow it2 so shall it conduct thee to the temple's peace1 and soften for thee the sorrows of life and the pains of death4 ,here is another difficult text3 7,figure #b7 ,it is demotic--a style of ,egyptian writing and a phase of the language which had perished from the knowledge of all men twenty-five hundred years before the ,christian era4 ,our red ,indians have left many records1 in the form of pictures1 upon our crags and boulders4 ,it has taken our most gifted and painstaking students two centuries to get at the meanings hidden in these pictures2 yet there are still two little lines of hieroglyphics among the figures grouped upon the ,dighton ,rocks which they have not succeeded in interpreting to their satisfaction4 ,these3 7,figure #c7 ,the suggested solutions of this riddle are practically innumerable2 they would fill a book4 ,thus we have infinite trouble in solving man-made mysteries2 it is only when we set out to discover the secret of ,god that our difficulties disappear4 ,it was always so4 ,in antique ,roman times it was the custom of the ,deity to try to conceal ,his intentions in the entrails of birds1 and this was patiently and hopefully continued century after century1 although the attempted concealment never succeeded1 in a single recorded instance4 ,the augurs could read entrails as easily as a modern child can read coarse print4 ,roman history is full of the marvels of interpretation which these extraordinary men performed4 ,these strange and wonderful achievements move our awe and compel our admiration4 ,those men could pierce to the marrow of a mystery instantly4 ,if the ,rosetta-stone idea had been introduced it would have defeated them1 but entrails had no embarrassments for them4 ,entrails have gone out1 now--entrails and dreams4 ,it was at last found out that as hiding-places for the divine intentions they were inadequate4 ,a part of the wall of ,valletri having in former times been struck with thunder1 the response of the soothsayers was1 that a native of that town would some time or other arrive at supreme power4 --,bohn's ,suetonius1 p4 #ach4 8,some time or other40 ,it looks indefinite1 but no matter1 it happened1 all the same2 one needed only to wait1 and be patient1 and keep watch1 then he would find out that the thunder-stroke had ,caesar ,augustus in mind1 and had come to give notice4 ,there were other advance-advertisements4 ,one of them appeared just before ,caesar ,augustus was born1 and was most poetic and touching and romantic in its feelings and aspects4 ,it was a dream4 ,it was dreamed by ,caesar ,augustus's mother1 and interpreted at the usual rates3 ,atia1 before her delivery1 dreamed that her bowels stretched to the stars and expanded through the whole circuit of heaven and earth4--,suetonius1 p4 #aci4 ,that was in the augur's line1 and furnished him no difficulties1 but it would have taken ,rawlinson and ,champollion fourteen years to make sure of what it meant1 because they would have been surprised and dizzy4 ,it would have been too late to be valuable1 then1 and the bill for service would have been barred by the statute of limitation4 ,in those old ,roman days a gentleman's education was not complete until he had taken a theological course at the seminary and learned how to translate entrails4 ,caesar ,augustus's education received this final polish4 ,all through his life1 whenever he had poultry on the menu he saved the interiors and kept himself informed of the ,deity's plans by exercising upon those interiors the arts of augury4 ,in his first consulship1 while he was observing the auguries1 twelve vultures presented themselves1 as they had done to ,romulus4 ,and when he offered sacrifice1 the livers of all the victims were folded inward in the lower part2 a circumstance which was regarded by those present who had skill in things of that nature1 as an indubitable prognostic of great and wonderful fortune4--,suetonius1 p4 #ada4 8,indubitable0 is a strong word1 but no doubt it was justified1 if the livers were really turned that way4 ,in those days chicken livers were strangely and delicately sensitive to coming events1 no matter how far off they might be2 and they could never keep still1 but would curl and squirm like that1 particularly when vultures came and showed interest in that approaching great event and in breakfast4 ,,ii ,we may now skip eleven hundred and thirty or forty years1 which brings us down to enlightened ,christian times and the troubled days of ,king ,stephen of ,england4 ,the augur has had his day and has been long ago forgotten2 the priest had fallen heir to his trade4 ,king ,henry is dead2 ,stephen1 that bold and outrageous person1 comes flying over from ,normandy to steal the throne from ,henry's daughter4 ,he accomplished his crime1 and ,henry of ,huntington1 a priest of high degree1 mourns over it in his ,chronicle4 ,the ,archbishop of ,canterbury consecrated ,stephen3 8wherefore the ,lord visited the ,archbishop with the same judgment which he had inflicted upon him who struck ,jeremiah the great priest3 he died within a year40 ,stephen's was the greater offense1 but ,stephen could wait2 not so the ,archbishop1 apparently4 ,the kingdom was a prey to intestine wars2 slaughter1 fire1 and rapine spread ruin throughout the land2 cries of distress1 horror1 and woe rose in every quarter4 ,that was the result of ,stephen's crime4 ,these unspeakable conditions continued during nineteen years4 ,then ,stephen died as comfortably as any man ever did1 and was honorably buried4 ,it makes one pity the poor ,archbishop1 and wish that he1 too1 could have been let off as leniently4 ,how did ,henry of ,huntington know that the ,archbishop was sent to his grave by judgment of ,god for consecrating ,stephen8 ,he does not explain4 ,neither does he explain why ,stephen was awarded a pleasanter death than he was entitled to1 while the aged ,king ,henry1 his predecessor1 who had ruled ,england thirty-five years to the people's strongly worded satisfaction1 was condemned to close his life in circumstances most distinctly unpleasant1 inconvenient1 and disagreeable4 ,his was probably the most uninspiring funeral that is set down in history4 ,there is not a detail about it that is attractive4 ,it seems to have been just the funeral for ,stephen1 and even at this far-distant day it is matter of just regret that by an indiscretion the wrong man got it4 ,whenever ,god punishes a man1 ,henry of ,huntington knows why it was done1 and tells us2 and his pen is eloquent with admiration2 but when a man has earned punishment1 and escapes1 he does not explain4 ,he is evidently puzzled1 but he does not say anything4 ,i think it is often apparent that he is pained by these discrepancies1 but loyally tries his best not to show it4 ,when he cannot praise1 he delivers himself of a silence so marked that a suspicious person could mistake it for suppressed criticism4 ,however1 he has plenty of opportunities to feel contented with the way things go--his book is full of them4 ,king ,david of ,scotland444 under color of religion caused his followers to deal most barbarously with the ,english4 ,they ripped open women1 tossed children on the points of spears1 butchered priests at the altars1 and1 cutting off the heads from the images on crucifixes1 placed them on the bodies of the slain1 while in exchange they fixed on the crucifixes the heads of their victims4 ,wherever the ,scots came1 there was the same scene of horror and cruelty3 women shrieking1 old men lamenting1 amid the groans of the dying and the despair of the living4 ,but the ,english got the victory4 ,then the chief of the men of ,lothian fell1 pierced by an arrow1 and all his followers were put to flight4 ,for the ,almighty was offended at them and their strength was rent like a cobweb4 ,offended at them for what8 ,for committing those fearful butcheries8 ,no1 for that was the common custom on both sides1 and not open to criticism4 ,then was it for doing the butcheries 8under cover of religion08 ,no1 that was not it2 religious feeling was often expressed in that fervent way all through those old centuries4 ,the truth is1 ,he was not offended at 8them0 at all2 ,he was only offended at their king1 who had been false to an oath4 ,then why did not ,he put the punishment upon the king instead of upon 8them08 ,it is a difficult question4 ,one can see by the ,chronicle that the 8judgments0 fell rather customarily upon the wrong person1 but ,henry of ,huntington does not explain why4 ,here is one that went true2 the chronicler's satisfaction in it is not hidden3 ,in the month of ,august1 ,providence displayed its justice in a remarkable manner2 for two of the nobles who had converted monasteries into fortifications1 expelling the monks1 their sin being the same1 met with a similar punishment4 ,robert ,marmion was one1 ,godfrey de ,mandeville the other4 ,robert ,marmion1 issuing forth against the enemy1 was slain under the walls of the monastery1 being the only one who fell1 though he was surrounded by his troops4 ,dying excommunicated1 he became subject to death everlasting4 ,in like manner ,earl ,godfrey was singled out among his followers1 and shot with an arrow by a common foot-soldier4 ,he made light of the wound1 but he died of it in a few days1 under excommunication4 ,see here the like judgment of ,god1 memorable through all ages6 ,this exaltation jars upon me2 not because of the death of the men1 for they deserved that1 but because it is death eternal1 in white-hot fire and flame4 ,it makes my flesh crawl4 ,i have not known more than three men1 or perhaps four1 in my whole lifetime1 whom ,i would rejoice to see writhing in those fires for even a year1 let alone forever4 ,i believe ,i would relent before the year was up1 and get them out if ,i could4 ,i think that in the long run1 if a man's wife and babies1 who had not harmed me1 should come crying and pleading1 ,i couldn't stand it2 ,i know ,i should forgive him and let him go1 even if he had violated a monastery4 ,henry of ,huntington has been watching ,godfrey and ,marmion for nearly seven hundred and fifty years1 now1 but ,i couldn't do it1 ,i know ,i couldn't4 ,i am soft and gentle in my nature1 and ,i should have forgiven them seventy-and-seven times1 long ago4 ,and ,i think ,god has2 but this is only an opinion1 and not authoritative1 like ,henry of ,huntington's interpretations4 ,i could learn to interpret1 but ,i have never tried2 ,i get so little time4 ,all through his book ,henry exhibits his familiarity with the intentions of ,god1 and with the reasons for his intentions4 ,sometimes--very often1 in fact--the act follows the intention after such a wide interval of time that one wonders how ,henry could fit one act out of a hundred to one intention out of a hundred and get the thing right every time when there was such abundant choice among acts and intentions4 ,sometimes a man offends the ,deity with a crime1 and is punished for it thirty years later2 meantime he has committed a million other crimes3 no matter1 ,henry can pick out the one that brought the worms4 ,worms were generally used in those days for the slaying of particularly wicked people4 ,this has gone out1 now1 but in old times it was a favorite4 ,it always indicated a case of 8wrath40 ,for instance3 444 the just ,god avenging ,robert ,fitzhilderbrand's perfidy1 a worm grew in his vitals1 which gradually gnawing its way through his intestines fattened on the abandoned man till1 tortured with excruciating sufferings and venting himself in bitter moans1 he was by a fitting punishment brought to his end4--7,p4 #djj47 ,it was probably an alligator1 but we cannot tell2 we only know it was a particular breed1 and only used to convey wrath4 ,some authorities think it was an ichthyosaurus1 but there is much doubt4 ,however1 one thing we do know2 and that is that that worm had been due years and years4 ,robert ,f4 had violated a monastery once2 he had committed unprintable crimes since1 and they had been permitted--under disapproval--but the ravishment of the monastery had not been forgotten nor forgiven1 and the worm came at last4 ,why were these reforms put off in this strange way8 ,what was to be gained by it8 ,did ,henry of ,huntington really know his facts1 or was he only guessing8 ,sometimes ,i am half persuaded that he is only a guesser1 and not a good one4 ,the divine wisdom must surely be of the better quality than he makes it out to be4 ,five hundred years before ,henry's time some forecasts of the ,lord's purposes were furnished by a pope1 who perceived1 by certain perfectly trustworthy signs furnished by the ,deity for the information of ,his familiars1 that the end of the world was 444 about to come4 ,but as this end of the world draws near many things are at hand which have not before happened1 as changes in the air1 terrible signs in the heavens1 tempests out of the common order of the seasons1 wars1 famines1 pestilences1 earthquakes in various places2 all which will not happen in our days1 but after our days all will come to pass4 ,still1 the end was so near that these signs were 8sent before that we may be careful for our souls and be found prepared to meet the impending judgment40 ,that was thirteen hundred years ago4 ,this is really no improvement on the work of the ,roman augurs4 ,,concerning ,,tobacco 7,written about #ahic2 not before published7 ,as concerns tobacco1 there are many superstitions4 ,and the chiefest is this--that there is a standard governing the matter1 whereas there is nothing of the kind4 ,each man's own preference is the only standard for him1 the only one which he can accept1 the only one which can command him4 ,a congress of all the tobacco-lovers in the world could not elect a standard which would be binding upon you or me1 or would even much influence us4 ,the next superstition is that a man has a standard of his own4 ,he hasn't4 ,he thinks he has1 but he hasn't4 ,he thinks he can tell what he regards as a good cigar from what he regards as a bad one--but he can't4 ,he goes by the brand1 yet imagines he goes by the flavor4 ,one may palm off the worst counterfeit upon him2 if it bears his brand he will smoke it contentedly and never suspect4 ,children of twenty-five1 who have seven years of experience1 try to tell me what is a good cigar and what isn't4 ,me1 who never learned to smoke1 but always smoked2 me1 who came into the world asking for a light4 ,no one can tell me what is a good cigar--for me4 ,i am the only judge4 ,people who claim to know say that ,i smoke the worst cigars in the world4 ,they bring their own cigars when they come to my house4 ,they betray an unmanly terror when ,i offer them a cigar2 they tell lies and hurry away to meet engagements which they have not made when they are threatened with the hospitalities of my box4 ,now then1 observe what superstition1 assisted by a man's reputation1 can do4 ,i was to have twelve personal friends to supper one night4 ,one of them was as notorious for costly and elegant cigars as ,i was for cheap and devilish ones4 ,i called at his house and when no one was looking borrowed a double handful of his very choicest2 cigars which cost him forty cents apiece and bore red-and-gold labels in sign of their nobility4 ,i removed the labels and put the cigars into a box with my favorite brand on it--a brand which those people all knew1 and which cowed them as men are cowed by an epidemic4 ,they took these cigars when offered at the end of the supper1 and lit them and sternly struggled with them--in dreary silence1 for hilarity died when the fell brand came into view and started around--but their fortitude held for a short time only2 then they made excuses and filed out1 treading on one another's heels with indecent eagerness2 and in the morning when ,i went out to observe results the cigars lay all between the front door and the gate4 ,all except one--that one lay in the plate of the man from whom ,i had cabbaged the lot4 ,one or two whiffs was all he could stand4 ,he told me afterward that some day ,i would get shot for giving people that kind of cigars to smoke4 ,am ,i certain of my own standard8 ,perfectly2 yes1 absolutely--unless somebody fools me by putting my brand on some other kind of cigar2 for no doubt ,i am like the rest1 and know my cigar by the brand instead of by the flavor4 ,however1 my standard is a pretty wide one and covers a good deal of territory4 ,to me1 almost any cigar is good that nobody else will smoke1 and to me almost all cigars are bad that other people consider good4 ,nearly any cigar will do me1 except a ,havana4 ,people think they hurt my feelings when they come to my house with their life preservers on--,i mean1 with their own cigars in their pockets4 ,it is an error2 ,i take care of myself in a similar way4 ,when ,i go into danger--that is1 into rich people's houses1 where1 in the nature of things1 they will have high-tariff cigars1 red-and-gilt girded and nested in a rosewood box along with a damp sponge1 cigars which develop a dismal black ash and burn down the side and smell1 and will grow hot to the fingers1 and will go on growing hotter and hotter1 and go on smelling more and more infamously and unendurably the deeper the fire tunnels down inside below the thimbleful of honest tobacco that is in the front end1 the furnisher of it praising it all the time and telling you how much the deadly thing cost--yes1 when ,i go into that sort of peril ,i carry my own defense along2 ,i carry my own brand--twenty-seven cents a barrel--and ,i live to see my family again4 ,i may seem to light his red-gartered cigar1 but that is only for courtesy's sake2 ,i smuggle it into my pocket for the poor1 of whom ,i know many1 and light one of my own2 and while he praises it ,i join in1 but when he says it cost forty-five cents ,i say nothing1 for ,i know better4 ,however1 to say true1 my tastes are so catholic that ,i have never seen any cigars that ,i really could not smoke1 except those that cost a dollar apiece4 ,i have examined those and know that they are made of dog-hair1 and not good dog-hair at that4 ,i have a thoroughly satisfactory time in ,europe1 for all over the ,continent one finds cigars which not even the most hardened newsboys in ,new ,york would smoke4 ,i brought cigars with me1 the last time2 ,i will not do that any more4 ,in ,italy1 as in ,france1 the ,government is the only cigar-peddler4 ,italy has three or four domestic brands3 the ,minghetti1 the ,trabuco1 the ,virginia1 and a very coarse one which is a modification of the ,virginia4 ,the ,minghettis are large and comely1 and cost three dollars and sixty cents a hundred2 ,i can smoke a hundred in seven days and enjoy every one of them4 ,the ,trabucos suit me1 too2 ,i don't remember the price4 ,but one has to learn to like the ,virginia1 nobody is born friendly to it4 ,it looks like a rat-tail file1 but smokes better1 some think4 ,it has a straw through it2 you pull this out1 and it leaves a flue1 otherwise there would be no draught1 not even as much as there is to a nail4 ,some prefer a nail at first4 ,however1 ,i like all the ,french1 ,swiss1 ,german1 and ,italian domestic cigars1 and have never cared to inquire what they are made of2 and nobody would know1 anyhow1 perhaps4 ,there is even a brand of ,european smoking-tobacco that ,i like4 ,it is a brand used by the ,italian peasants4 ,it is loose and dry and black1 and looks like tea-grounds4 ,when the fire is applied it expands1 and climbs up and towers above the pipe1 and presently tumbles off inside of one's vest4 ,the tobacco itself is cheap1 but it raises the insurance4 ,it is as ,i remarked in the beginning--the taste for tobacco is a matter of superstition4 ,there are no standards--no real standards4 ,each man's preference is the only standard for him1 the only one which he can accept1 the only one which can command him4 ,,the ,,bee ,it was ,maeterlinck who introduced me to the bee4 ,i mean1 in the psychical and in the poetical way4 ,i had had a business introduction earlier4 ,it was when ,i was a boy4 ,it is strange that ,i should remember a formality like that so long2 it must be nearly sixty years4 ,bee scientists always speak of the bee as she4 ,it is because all the important bees are of that sex4 ,in the hive there is one married bee1 called the queen2 she has fifty thousand children2 of these1 about one hundred are sons2 the rest are daughters4 ,some of the daughters are young maids1 some are old maids1 and all are virgins and remain so4 ,every spring the queen comes out of the hive and flies away with one of her sons and marries him4 ,the honeymoon lasts only an hour or two2 then the queen divorces her husband and returns home competent to lay two million eggs4 ,this will be enough to last the year1 but not more than enough1 because hundreds of bees get drowned every day1 and other hundreds are eaten by birds1 and it is the queen's business to keep the population up to standard--say1 fifty thousand4 ,she must always have that many children on hand and efficient during the busy season1 which is summer1 or winter would catch the community short of food4 ,she lays from two thousand to three thousand eggs a day1 according to the demand2 and she must exercise judgment1 and not lay more than are needed in a slim flower-harvest1 nor fewer than are required in a prodigal one1 or the board of directors will dethrone her and elect a queen that has more sense4 ,there are always a few royal heirs in stock and ready to take her place--ready and more than anxious to do it1 although she is their own mother4 ,these girls are kept by themselves1 and are regally fed and tended from birth4 ,no other bees get such fine food as they get1 or live such a high and luxurious life4 ,by consequence they are larger and longer and sleeker than their working sisters4 ,and they have a curved sting1 shaped like a scimitar1 while the others have a straight one4 ,a common bee will sting any one or anybody1 but a royalty stings royalties only4 ,a common bee will sting and kill another common bee1 for cause1 but when it is necessary to kill the queen other ways are employed4 ,when a queen has grown old and slack and does not lay eggs enough one of her royal daughters is allowed to come to attack her1 the rest of the bees looking on at the duel and seeing fair play4 ,it is a duel with the curved stings4 ,if one of the fighters gets hard pressed and gives it up and runs1 she is brought back and must try again--once1 maybe twice2 then1 if she runs yet once more for her life1 judicial death is her portion2 her children pack themselves into a ball around her person and hold her in that compact grip two or three days1 until she starves to death or is suffocated4 ,meantime the victor bee is receiving royal honors and performing the one royal function--laying eggs4 ,as regards the ethics of the judicial assassination of the queen1 that is a matter of politics1 and will be discussed later1 in its proper place4 ,during substantially the whole of her short life of five or six years the queen lives in the ,egyptian darkness and stately seclusion of the royal apartments1 with none about her but plebeian servants1 who give her empty lip-affection in place of the love which her heart hungers for2 who spy upon her in the interest of her waiting heirs1 and report and exaggerate her defects and deficiencies to them2 who fawn upon her and flatter her to her face and slander her behind her back2 who grovel before her in the day of her power and forsake her in her age and weakness4 ,there she sits1 friendless1 upon her throne through the long night of her life1 cut off from the consoling sympathies and sweet companionship and loving endearments which she craves1 by the gilded barriers of her awful rank2 a forlorn exile in her own house and home1 weary object of formal ceremonies and machine-made worship1 winged child of the sun1 native to the free air and the blue skies and the flowery fields1 doomed by the splendid accident of her birth to trade this priceless heritage for a black captivity1 a tinsel grandeur1 and a loveless life1 with shame and insult at the end and a cruel death--and condemned by the human instinct in her to hold the bargain valuable6 ,huber1 ,lubbock1 ,maeterlinck--in fact1 all the great authorities--are agreed in denying that the bee is a member of the human family4 ,i do not know why they have done this1 but ,i think it is from dishonest motives4 ,why1 the innumerable facts brought to light by their own painstaking and exhaustive experiments prove that if there is a master fool in the world1 it is the bee4 ,that seems to settle it4 ,but that is the way of the scientist4 ,he will spend thirty years in building up a mountain range of facts with the intent to prove a certain theory2 then he is so happy in his achievement that as a rule he overlooks the main chief fact of all--that his accumulation proves an entirely different thing4 ,when you point out this miscarriage to him he does not answer your letters2 when you call to convince him1 the servant prevaricates and you do not get in4 ,scientists have odious manners1 except when you prop up their theory2 then you can borrow money of them4 ,to be strictly fair1 ,i will concede that now and then one of them will answer your letter1 but when they do they avoid the issue--you cannot pin them down4 ,when ,i discovered that the bee was human ,i wrote about it to all those scientists whom ,i have just mentioned4 ,for evasions1 ,i have seen nothing to equal the answers ,i got4 ,after the queen1 the personage next in importance in the hive is the virgin4 ,the virgins are fifty thousand or one hundred thousand in number1 and they are the workers1 the laborers4 ,no work is done1 in the hive or out of it1 save by them4 ,the males do not work1 the queen does no work1 unless laying eggs is work1 but it does not seem so to me4 ,there are only two million of them1 anyway1 and all of five months to finish the contract in4 ,the distribution of work in a hive is as cleverly and elaborately specialized as it is in a vast ,american machine-shop or factory4 ,a bee that has been trained to one of the many and various industries of the concern doesn't know how to exercise any other1 and would be offended if asked to take a hand in anything outside of her profession4 ,she is as human as a cook2 and if you should ask the cook to wait on the table1 you know what would happen4 ,cooks will play the piano if you like1 but they draw the line there4 ,in my time ,i have asked a cook to chop wood1 and ,i know about these things4 ,even the hired girl has her frontiers2 true1 they are vague1 they are ill-defined1 even flexible1 but they are there4 ,this is not conjecture2 it is founded on the absolute4 ,and then the butler4 ,you ask the butler to wash the dog4 ,it is just as ,i say2 there is much to be learned in these ways1 without going to books4 ,books are very well1 but books do not cover the whole domain of esthetic human culture4 ,pride of profession is one of the boniest bones in existence1 if not the boniest4 ,without doubt it is so in the hive4 ,,taming ,,the ,,bicycle 7,written about #ahic2 not before published7 ,in the early eighties ,mark ,twain learned to ride one of the old high-wheel bicycles of that period4 ,he wrote an account of his experience1 but did not offer it for publication4 ,the form of bicycle he rode long ago became antiquated1 but in the humor of his pleasantry is a quality which does not grow old4 ,a4 ,b4 ,p4 ,i ,i thought the matter over1 and concluded ,i could do it4 ,so ,i went down and bought a barrel of ,pond's ,extract and a bicycle4 ,the ,expert came home with me to instruct me4 ,we chose the back yard1 for the sake of privacy1 and went to work4 ,mine was not a full-grown bicycle1 but only a colt--a fifty-inch1 with the pedals shortened up to forty-eight--and skittish1 like any other colt4 ,the ,expert explained the thing's points briefly1 then he got on its back and rode around a little1 to show me how easy it was to do4 ,he said that the dismounting was perhaps the hardest thing to learn1 and so we would leave that to the last4 ,but he was in error there4 ,he found1 to his surprise and joy1 that all that he needed to do was to get me on to the machine and stand out of the way2 ,i could get off1 myself4 ,although ,i was wholly inexperienced1 ,i dismounted in the best time on record4 ,he was on that side1 shoving up the machine2 we all came down with a crash1 he at the bottom1 ,i next1 and the machine on top4 ,we examined the machine1 but it was not in the least injured4 ,this was hardly believable4 ,yet the ,expert assured me that it was true2 in fact1 the examination proved it4 ,i was partly to realize1 then1 how admirably these things are constructed4 ,we applied some ,pond's ,extract1 and resumed4 ,the ,expert got on the other side to shove up this time1 but ,i dismounted on that side2 so the result was as before4 ,the machine was not hurt4 ,we oiled ourselves up again1 and resumed4 ,this time the ,expert took up a sheltered position behind1 but somehow or other we landed on him again4 ,he was full of surprised admiration2 said it was abnormal4 ,she was all right1 not a scratch on her1 not a timber started anywhere4 ,i said it was wonderful1 while we were greasing up1 but he said that when ,i came to know these steel spider-webs ,i would realize that nothing but dynamite could cripple them4 ,then he limped out to position1 and we resumed once more4 ,this time the ,expert took up the position of short-stop1 and got a man to shove up behind4 ,we got up a handsome speed1 and presently traversed a brick1 and ,i went out over the top of the tiller and landed1 head down1 on the instructor's back1 and saw the machine fluttering in the air between me and the sun4 ,it was well it came down on us1 for that broke the fall1 and it was not injured4 ,five days later ,i got out and was carried down to the hospital1 and found the ,expert doing pretty fairly4 ,in a few more days ,i was quite sound4 ,i attribute this to my prudence in always dismounting on something soft4 ,some recommend a feather bed1 but ,i think an ,expert is better4 ,the ,expert got out at last1 brought four assistants with him4 ,it was a good idea4 ,these four held the graceful cobweb upright while ,i climbed into the saddle2 then they formed in column and marched on either side of me while the ,expert pushed behind2 all hands assisted at the dismount4 ,the bicycle had what is called the 8wabbles10 and had them very badly4 ,in order to keep my position1 a good many things were required of me1 and in every instance the thing required was against nature4 ,against nature1 but not against the laws of nature4 ,that is to say1 that whatever the needed thing might be1 my nature1 habit1 and breeding moved me to attempt it in one way1 while some immutable and unsuspected law of physics required that it be done in just the other way4 ,i perceived by this how radically and grotesquely wrong had been the life-long education of my body and members4 ,they were steeped in ignorance2 they knew nothing--nothing which it could profit them to know4 ,for instance1 if ,i found myself falling to the right1 ,i put the tiller hard down the other way1 by a quite natural impulse1 and so violated a law1 and kept on going down4 ,the law required the opposite thing--the big wheel must be turned in the direction in which you are falling4 ,it is hard to believe this1 when you are told it4 ,and not merely hard to believe it1 but impossible2 it is opposed to all your notions4 ,and it is just as hard to do it1 after you do come to believe it4 ,believing it1 and knowing by the most convincing proof that it is true1 does not help it3 you can't any more ,,do it than you could before2 you can neither force nor persuade yourself to do it at first4 ,the intellect has to come to the front1 now4 ,it has to teach the limbs to discard their old education and adopt the new4 ,the steps of one's progress are distinctly marked4 ,at the end of each lesson he knows he has acquired something1 and he also knows what that something is1 and likewise that it will stay with him4 ,it is not like studying ,german1 where you mull along1 in a groping1 uncertain way1 for thirty years2 and at last1 just as you think you've got it1 they spring the subjunctive on you1 and there you are4 ,no--and ,i see now1 plainly enough1 that the great pity about the ,german language is1 that you can't fall off it and hurt yourself4 ,there is nothing like that feature to make you attend strictly to business4 ,but ,i also see1 by what ,i have learned of bicycling1 that the right and only sure way to learn ,german is by the bicycling method4 ,that is to say1 take a grip on one villainy of it at a time1 and learn it--not ease up and shirk to the next1 leaving that one half learned4 ,when you have reached the point in bicycling where you can balance the machine tolerably fairly and propel it and steer it1 then comes your next task--how to mount it4 ,you do it in this way3 you hop along behind it on your right foot1 resting the other on the mounting-peg1 and grasping the tiller with your hands4 ,at the word1 you rise on the peg1 stiffen your left leg1 hang your other one around in the air in a general in indefinite way1 lean your stomach against the rear of the saddle1 and then fall off1 maybe on one side1 maybe on the other2 but you fall off4 ,you get up and do it again2 and once more2 and then several times4 ,by this time you have learned to keep your balance2 and also to steer without wrenching the tiller out by the roots 7,i say tiller because it ,,is a tiller2 8handle-bar0 is a lamely descriptive phrase74 ,so you steer along1 straight ahead1 a little while1 then you rise forward1 with a steady strain1 bringing your right leg1 and then your body1 into the saddle1 catch your breath1 fetch a violent hitch this way and then that1 and down you go again4 ,but you have ceased to mind the going down by this time2 you are getting to light on one foot or the other with considerable certainty4 ,six more attempts and six more falls make you perfect4 ,you land in the saddle comfortably1 next time1 and stay there--that is1 if you can be content to let your legs dangle1 and leave the pedals alone a while2 but if you grab at once for the pedals1 you are gone again4 ,you soon learn to wait a little and perfect your balance before reaching for the pedals2 then the mounting-art is acquired1 is complete1 and a little practice will make it simple and easy to you1 though spectators ought to keep off a rod or two to one side1 along at first1 if you have nothing against them4 ,and now you come to the voluntary dismount2 you learned the other kind first of all4 ,it is quite easy to tell one how to do the voluntary dismount2 the words are few1 the requirement simple1 and apparently undifficult2 let your left pedal go down till your left leg is nearly straight1 turn your wheel to the left1 and get off as you would from a horse4 ,it certainly does sound exceedingly easy2 but it isn't4 ,i don't know why it isn't but it isn't4 ,try as you may1 you don't get down as you would from a horse1 you get down as you would from a house afire4 ,you make a spectacle of yourself every time4 ,,ii ,during the eight days ,i took a daily lesson of an hour and a half4 ,at the end of this twelve working-hours' apprenticeship ,i was graduated--in the rough4 ,i was pronounced competent to paddle my own bicycle without outside help4 ,it seems incredible1 this celerity of acquirement4 ,it takes considerably longer than that to learn horseback-riding in the rough4 ,now it is true that ,i could have learned without a teacher1 but it would have been risky for me1 because of my natural clumsiness4 ,the self-taught man seldom knows anything accurately1 and he does not know a tenth as much as he could have known if he had worked under teachers2 and1 besides1 he brags1 and is the means of fooling other thoughtless people into going and doing as he himself has done4 ,there are those who imagine that the unlucky accidents of life--life's 8experiences0--are in some way useful to us4 ,i wish ,i could find out how4 ,i never knew one of them to happen twice4 ,they always change off and swap around and catch you on your inexperienced side4 ,if personal experience can be worth anything as an education1 it wouldn't seem likely that you could trip ,methuselah2 and yet if that old person could come back here it is more than likely that one of the first things he would do would be to take hold of one of these electric wires and tie himself all up in a knot4 ,now the surer thing and the wiser thing would be for him to ask somebody whether it was a good thing to take hold of4 ,but that would not suit him2 he would be one of the self-taught kind that go by experience2 he would want to examine for himself4 ,and he would find1 for his instruction1 that the coiled patriarch shuns the electric wire2 and it would be useful to him1 too1 and would leave his education in quite a complete and rounded-out condition1 till he should come again1 some day1 and go to bouncing a dynamite-can around to find out what was in it4 ,but we wander from the point4 ,however1 get a teacher2 it saves much time and ,pond's ,extract4 ,before taking final leave of me1 my instructor inquired concerning my physical strength1 and ,i was able to inform him that ,i hadn't any4 ,he said that that was a defect which would make up-hill wheeling pretty difficult for me at first2 but he also said the bicycle would soon remove it4 ,the contrast between his muscles and mine was quite marked4 ,he wanted to test mine1 so ,i offered my biceps--which was my best4 ,it almost made him smile4 ,he said1 8,it is pulpy1 and soft1 and yielding1 and rounded2 it evades pressure1 and glides from under the fingers2 in the dark a body might think it was an oyster in a rag40 ,perhaps this made me look grieved1 for he added1 briskly3 8,oh1 that's all right1 you needn't worry about that2 in a little while you can't tell it from a petrified kidney4 ,just go right along with your practice2 you're all right40 ,then he left me1 and ,i started out alone to seek adventures4 ,you don't really have to seek them--that is nothing but a phrase--they come to you4 ,i chose a reposeful ,sabbath-day sort of a back street which was about thirty yards wide between the curbstones4 ,i knew it was not wide enough2 still1 ,i thought that by keeping strict watch and wasting no space unnecessarily ,i could crowd through4 ,of course ,i had trouble mounting the machine1 entirely on my own responsibility1 with no encouraging moral support from the outside1 no sympathetic instructor to say1 8,good6 now you're doing well--good again--don't hurry--there1 now1 you're all right--brace up1 go ahead40 ,in place of this ,i had some other support4 ,this was a boy1 who was perched on a gate-post munching a hunk of maple sugar4 ,he was full of interest and comment4 ,the first time ,i failed and went down he said that if he was me he would dress up in pillows1 that's what he would do4 ,the next time ,i went down he advised me to go and learn to ride a tricycle first4 ,the third time ,i collapsed he said he didn't believe ,i could stay on a horse-car4 ,but the next time ,i succeeded1 and got clumsily under way in a weaving1 tottering1 uncertain fashion1 and occupying pretty much all of the street4 ,my slow and lumbering gait filled the boy to the chin with scorn1 and he sung out1 8,my1 but don't he rip along60 ,then he got down from his post and loafed along the sidewalk1 still observing and occasionally commenting4 ,presently he dropped into my wake and followed along behind4 ,a little girl passed by1 balancing a wash-board on her head1 and giggled1 and seemed about to make a remark1 but the boy said1 rebukingly1 8,let him alone1 he's going to a funeral40 ,i have been familiar with that street for years1 and had always supposed it was a dead level2 but it was not1 as the bicycle now informed me1 to my surprise4 ,the bicycle1 in the hands of a novice1 is as alert and acute as a spirit-level in the detecting of delicate and vanishing shades of difference in these matters4 ,it notices a rise where your untrained eye would not observe that one existed2 it notices any decline which water will run down4 ,i was toiling up a slight rise1 but was not aware of it4 ,it made me tug and pant and perspire2 and still1 labor as ,i might1 the machine came almost to a standstill every little while4 ,at such times the boy would say3 8,that's it6 take a rest--there ain't no hurry4 ,they can't hold the funeral without ,,you40 ,stones were a bother to me4 ,even the smallest ones gave me a panic when ,i went over them4 ,i could hit any kind of a stone1 no matter how small1 if ,i tried to miss it2 and of course at first ,i couldn't help trying to do that4 ,it is but natural4 ,it is part of the ass that is put in us all1 for some inscrutable reason4 ,i was at the end of my course1 at last1 and it was necessary for me to round to4 ,this is not a pleasant thing1 when you undertake it for the first time on your own responsibility1 and neither is it likely to succeed4 ,your confidence oozes away1 you fill steadily up with nameless apprehensions1 every fiber of you is tense with a watchful strain1 you start a cautious and gradual curve1 but your squirmy nerves are all full of electric anxieties1 so the curve is quickly demoralized into a jerky and perilous zigzag2 then suddenly the nickel-clad horse takes the bit in its mouth and goes slanting for the curbstone1 defying all prayers and all your powers to change its mind--your heart stands still1 your breath hangs fire1 your legs forget to work1 straight on you go1 and there are but a couple of feet between you and the curb now4 ,and now is the desperate moment1 the last chance to save yourself2 of course all your instructions fly out of your head1 and you whirl your wheel ,,away from the curb instead of ,,toward it1 and so you go sprawling on that granite-bound inhospitable shore4 ,that was my luck2 that was my experience4 ,i dragged myself out from under the indestructible bicycle and sat down on the curb to examine4 ,i started on the return trip4 ,it was now that ,i saw a farmer's wagon poking along down toward me1 loaded with cabbages4 ,if ,i needed anything to perfect the precariousness of my steering1 it was just that4 ,the farmer was occupying the middle of the road with his wagon1 leaving barely fourteen or fifteen yards of space on either side4 ,i couldn't shout at him--a beginner can't shout2 if he opens his mouth he is gone2 he must keep all his attention on his business4 ,but in this grisly emergency1 the boy came to the rescue1 and for once ,i had to be grateful to him4 ,he kept a sharp lookout on the swiftly varying impulses and inspirations of my bicycle1 and shouted to the man accordingly3 8,to the left6 ,turn to the left1 or this jackass 'll run over you60 ,the man started to do it4 8,no1 to the right1 to the right6 ,hold on6 ,,that won't do6--to the left6--to the right6--to the ,,left--right6 left--ri--,stay where you ,,are1 or you're a goner60 ,and just then ,i caught the off horse in the starboard and went down in a pile4 ,i said1 8,hang it6 ,couldn't you ,,see ,i was coming80 8,yes1 ,i see you was coming1 but ,i couldn't tell which ,,way you was coming4 ,nobody could--now1 could they8 ,you couldn't yourself--now1 could you8 ,so what could ,i do80 ,there was something in that1 and so ,i had the magnanimity to say so4 ,i said ,i was no doubt as much to blame as he was4 ,within the next five days ,i achieved so much progress that the boy couldn't keep up with me4 ,he had to go back to his gate-post1 and content himself with watching me fall at long range4 ,there was a row of low stepping-stones across one end of the street1 a measured yard apart4 ,even after ,i got so ,i could steer pretty fairly ,i was so afraid of those stones that ,i always hit them4 ,they gave me the worst falls ,i ever got in that street1 except those which ,i got from dogs4 ,i have seen it stated that no expert is quick enough to run over a dog2 that a dog is always able to skip out of his way4 ,i think that that may be true3 but ,i think that the reason he couldn't run over the dog was because he was trying to4 ,i did not try to run over any dog4 ,but ,i ran over every dog that came along4 ,i think it makes a great deal of difference4 ,if you try to run over the dog he knows how to calculate1 but if you are trying to miss him he does not know how to calculate1 and is liable to jump the wrong way every time4 ,it was always so in my experience4 ,even when ,i could not hit a wagon ,i could hit a dog that came to see me practice4 ,they all liked to see me practice1 and they all came1 for there was very little going on in our neighborhood to entertain a dog4 ,it took time to learn to miss a dog1 but ,i achieved even that4 ,i can steer as well as ,i want to1 now1 and ,i will catch that boy out one of these days and run over ,,him if he doesn't reform4 ,get a bicycle4 ,you will not regret it1 if you live4 ,,is ,,shakespeare ,,dead8 7from ,my ,autobiography7 ,i ,scattered here and there through the stacks of unpublished manuscript which constitute this formidable ,autobiography and ,diary of mine1 certain chapters will in some distant future be found which deal with 8,claimants0--claimants historically notorious3 ,satan1 ,claimant2 the ,golden ,calf1 ,claimant2 the ,veiled ,prophet of ,khorassan1 ,claimant2 ,louis ,,xvii41 ,claimant2 ,william ,shakespeare1 ,claimant2 ,arthur ,orton1 ,claimant2 ,mary ,baker ,g4 ,eddy1 ,claimant--and the rest of them4 ,eminent ,claimants1 successful ,claimants1 defeated ,claimants1 royal ,claimants1 pleb ,claimants1 showy ,claimants1 shabby ,claimants1 revered ,claimants1 despised ,claimants1 twinkle star-like here and there and yonder through the mists of history and legend and tradition--and1 oh1 all the darling tribe are clothed in mystery and romance1 and we read about them with deep interest and discuss them with loving sympathy or with rancorous resentment1 according to which side we hitch ourselves to4 ,it has always been so with the human race4 ,there was never a ,claimant that couldn't get a hearing1 nor one that couldn't accumulate a rapturous following1 no matter how flimsy and apparently unauthentic his claim might be4 ,arthur ,orton's claim that he was the lost ,tichborne baronet come to life again was as flimsy as ,mrs4 ,eddy's that she wrote ,science ,and ,health from the direct dictation of the ,deity2 yet in ,england nearly forty years ago ,orton had a huge army of devotees and incorrigible adherents1 many of whom remained stubbornly unconvinced after their fat god had been proven an impostor and jailed as a perjurer1 and today ,mrs4 ,eddy's following is not only immense1 but is daily augmenting in numbers and enthusiasm4 ,orton had many fine and educated minds among his adherents1 ,mrs4 ,eddy has had the like among hers from the beginning4 ,her ,church is as well equipped in those particulars as is any other ,church4 ,claimants can always count upon a following1 it doesn't matter who they are1 nor what they claim1 nor whether they come with documents or without4 ,it was always so4 ,down out of the long-vanished past1 across the abyss of the ages1 if you listen1 you can still hear the believing multitudes shouting for ,perkin ,warbeck and ,lambert ,simnel4 ,a friend has sent me a new book1 from ,england--,the ,shakespeare ,problem ,restated--well restated and closely reasoned2 and my fifty years' interest in that matter--asleep for the last three years--is excited once more4 ,it is an interest which was born of ,delia ,bacon's book--away back in that ancient day--#aheg1 or maybe #ahef4 ,about a year later my pilot-master1 ,bixby1 transferred me from his own steamboat to the ,pennsylvania1 and placed me under the orders and instructions of ,george ,ealer--dead now1 these many1 many years4 ,i steered for him a good many months--as was the humble duty of the pilot-apprentice3 stood a daylight watch and spun the wheel under the severe superintendence and correction of the master4 ,he was a prime chess-player and an idolater of ,shakespeare4 ,he would play chess with anybody2 even with me1 and it cost his official dignity something to do that4 ,also--quite uninvited--he would read ,shakespeare to me2 not just casually1 but by the hour1 when it was his watch and ,i was steering4 ,he read well1 but not profitably for me1 because he constantly injected commands into the text4 ,that broke it all up1 mixed it all up1 tangled it all up--to that degree1 in fact1 that if we were in a risky and difficult piece of river an ignorant person couldn't have told1 sometimes1 which observations were ,shakespeare's and which were ,ealer's4 ,for instance3 ,what man dare1 ,i dare6 ,approach thou what are you laying in the leads for8 what a hell of an idea6 like the rugged ease her off a little1 ease her off6 rugged ,russian bear1 the armed rhinoceros or the there she goes6 meet her1 meet her6 didn't you know she'd smell the reef if you crowded it like that8 ,hyrcan tiger2 take any shape but that and my firm nerves she'll be in the woods the first you know6 stop the starboard6 come ahead strong on the larboard6 back the starboard6444 now then1 you're all right2 come ahead on the starboard2 straighten up and go 'long1 never tremble3 or be alive again1 and dare me to the desert damnation can't you keep away from that greasy water8 pull her down6 snatch her6 snatch her baldheaded6 with thy sword2 if trembling ,i inhabit then1 lay in the leads6--no1 only with the starboard one1 leave the other alone1 protest me the baby of a girl4 ,hence horrible shadow6 eight bells--that watchman's asleep again1 ,i reckon1 go down and call ,brown yourself1 unreal mockery1 hence6 ,he certainly was a good reader1 and splendidly thrilling and stormy and tragic1 but it was a damage to me1 because ,i have never since been able to read ,shakespeare in a calm and sane way4 ,i cannot rid it of his explosive interlardings1 they break in everywhere with their irrelevant1 8,what in hell are you up to now6 pull her down6 more6 ,more6--there now1 steady as you go10 and the other disorganizing interruptions that were always leaping from his mouth4 ,when ,i read ,shakespeare now ,i can hear them as plainly as ,i did in that long-departed time--fifty-one years ago4 ,i never regarded ,ealer's readings as educational4 ,indeed1 they were a detriment to me4 ,his contributions to the text seldom improved it1 but barring that detail he was a good reader2 ,i can say that much for him4 ,he did not use the book1 and did not need to2 he knew his ,shakespeare as well as ,euclid ever knew his multiplication table4 ,did he have something to say--this ,shakespeare-adoring ,mississippi pilot--anent ,delia ,bacon's book8 ,yes4 ,and he said it2 said it all the time1 for months--in the morning watch1 the middle watch1 and dog watch2 and probably kept it going in his sleep4 ,he bought the literature of the dispute as fast as it appeared1 and we discussed it all through thirteen hundred miles of river four times traversed in every thirty-five days--the time required by that swift boat to achieve two round trips4 ,we discussed1 and discussed1 and discussed1 and disputed and disputed and disputed2 at any rate1 he did1 and ,i got in a word now and then when he slipped a cog and there was a vacancy4 ,he did his arguing with heat1 with energy1 with violence2 and ,i did mine with the reserve and moderation of a subordinate who does not like to be flung out of a pilot-house that is perched forty feet above the water4 ,he was fiercely loyal to ,shakespeare and cordially scornful of ,bacon and of all the pretensions of the ,baconians4 ,so was ,i--at first4 ,and at first he was glad that that was my attitude4 ,there were even indications that he admired it2 indications dimmed1 it is true1 by the distance that lay between the lofty boss-pilotical altitude and my lowly one1 yet perceptible to me2 perceptible1 and translatable into a compliment--compliment coming down from above the snow-line and not well thawed in the transit1 and not likely to set anything afire1 not even a cub-pilot's self-conceit2 still a detectable complement1 and precious4 ,naturally it flattered me into being more loyal to ,shakespeare--if possible--than ,i was before1 and more prejudiced against ,bacon--if possible--than ,i was before4 ,and so we discussed and discussed1 both on the same side1 and were happy4 ,for a while4 ,only for a while4 ,only for a very little while1 a very1 very1 very little while4 ,then the atmosphere began to change2 began to cool off4 ,a brighter person would have seen what the trouble was1 earlier than ,i did1 perhaps1 but ,i saw it early enough for all practical purposes4 ,you see1 he was of an argumentative disposition4 ,therefore it took him but a little time to get tired of arguing with a person who agreed with everything he said and consequently never furnished him a provocative to flare up and show what he could do when it came to clear1 cold1 hard1 rose-cut1 hundred-faceted1 diamond-flashing reasoning4 ,that was his name for it4 ,it has been applied since1 with complacency1 as many as several times1 in the ,bacon-,shakespeare scuffle4 ,on the ,shakespeare side4 ,then the thing happened which has happened to more persons than to me when principle and personal interest found themselves in opposition to each other and a choice had to be made3 ,i let principle go1 and went over to the other side4 ,not the entire way1 but far enough to answer the requirements of the case4 ,that is to say1 ,i took this attitude--to wit1 ,i only believed ,bacon wrote ,shakespeare1 whereas ,i knew ,shakespeare didn't4 ,ealer was satisfied with that1 and the war broke loose4 ,study1 practice1 experience in handling my end of the matter presently enabled me to take my new position almost seriously2 a little bit later1 utterly seriously2 a little later still1 lovingly1 gratefully1 devotedly2 finally3 fiercely1 rabidly1 uncompromisingly4 ,after that ,i was welded to my faith1 ,i was theoretically ready to die for it1 and ,i looked down with compassion not unmixed with scorn upon everybody else's faith that didn't tally with mine4 ,that faith1 imposed upon me by self-interest in that ancient day1 remains my faith today1 and in it ,i find comfort1 solace1 peace1 and never-failing joy4 ,you see how curiously theological it is4 ,the 8rice ,christian0 of the ,orient goes through the very same steps1 when he is after rice and the missionary is after him2 he goes for rice1 and remains to worship4 ,ealer did a lot of our 8reasoning0--not to say substantially all of it4 ,the slaves of his cult have a passion for calling it by that large name4 ,we others do not call our inductions and deductions and reductions by any name at all4 ,they show for themselves what they are1 and we can with tranquil confidence leave the world to ennoble them with a title of its own choosing4 ,now and then when ,ealer had to stop to cough1 ,i pulled my induction-talents together and hove the controversial lead myself3 always getting eight feet1 eight and a half1 often nine1 sometimes even quarter-less-twain--as ,i believed2 but always 8no bottom10 as he said4 ,i got the best of him only once4 ,i prepared myself4 ,i wrote out a passage from ,shakespeare--it may have been the very one ,i quoted awhile ago1 ,i don't remember--and riddled it with his wild steamboatful interlardings4 ,when an unrisky opportunity offered1 one lovely summer day1 when we had sounded and buoyed a tangled patch of crossings known as ,hell's ,half ,acre1 and were aboard again and he had sneaked the ,pennsylvania triumphantly through it without once scraping sand1 and the ,a4 ,t4 ,lacey had followed in our wake and got stuck1 and he was feeling good1 ,i showed it to him4 ,it amused him4 ,i asked him to fire it off--read it2 read it1 ,i diplomatically added1 as only he could read dramatic poetry4 ,the compliment touched him where he lived4 ,he did read it2 read it with surpassing fire and spirit2 read it as it will never be read again2 for he knew how to put the right music into those thunderous interlardings and make them seem a part of the text1 make them sound as if they were bursting from ,shakespeare's own soul1 each one of them a golden inspiration and not to be left out without damage to the massed and magnificent whole4 ,i waited a week1 to let the incident fade2 waited longer2 waited until he brought up for reasonings and vituperation my pet position1 my pet argument1 the one which ,i was fondest of1 the one which ,i prized far above all others in my ammunition-wagon--to wit1 that ,shakespeare couldn't have written ,shakespeare's works1 for the reason that the man who wrote them was limitlessly familiar with the laws1 and the law-courts1 and law-proceedings1 and lawyer-talk1 and lawyer-ways--and if ,shakespeare was possessed of the infinitely divided star-dust that constituted this vast wealth1 how did he get it1 and where and when8 8,from books40 ,from books6 ,that was always the idea4 ,i answered as my readings of the champions of my side of the great controversy had taught me to answer3 that a man can't handle glibly and easily and comfortably and successfully the argot of a trade at which he has not personally served4 ,he will make mistakes2 he will not1 and cannot1 get the trade-phrasings precisely and exactly right2 and the moment he departs1 by even a shade1 from a common trade-form1 the reader who has served that trade will know the writer hasn't4 ,ealer would not be convinced2 he said a man could learn how to correctly handle the subtleties and mysteries and free-masonries of any trade by careful reading and studying4 ,but when ,i got him to read again the passage from ,shakespeare with the interlardings1 he perceived1 himself1 that books couldn't teach a student a bewildering multitude of pilot-phrases so thoroughly and perfectly that he could talk them off in book and play or conversation and make no mistake that a pilot would not immediately discover4 ,it was a triumph for me4 ,he was silent awhile1 and ,i knew what was happening--he was losing his temper4 ,and ,i knew he would presently close the session with the same old argument that was always his stay and his support in time of need2 the same old argument1 the one ,i couldn't answer1 because ,i dasn't--the argument that ,i was an ass1 and better shut up4 ,he delivered it1 and ,i obeyed4 ,o dear1 how long ago it was--how pathetically long ago6 ,and here am ,i1 old1 forsaken1 forlorn1 and alone1 arranging to get that argument out of somebody again4 ,when a man has a passion for ,shakespeare1 it goes without saying that he keeps company with other standard authors4 ,ealer always had several high-class books in the pilot-house1 and he read the same ones over and over again1 and did not care to change to newer and fresher ones4 ,he played well on the flute1 and greatly enjoyed hearing himself play4 ,so did ,i4 ,he had a notion that a flute would keep its health better if you took it apart when it was not standing a watch2 and so1 when it was not on duty it took its rest1 disjointed1 on the compass-shelf under the breastboard4 ,when the ,pennsylvania blew up and became a drifting rack-heap freighted with wounded and dying poor souls 7my young brother ,henry among them71 pilot ,brown had the watch below1 and was probably asleep and never knew what killed him2 but ,ealer escaped unhurt4 ,he and his pilot-house were shot up into the air2 then they fell1 and ,ealer sank through the ragged cavern where the hurricane-deck and the boiler-deck had been1 and landed in a nest of ruins on the main deck1 on top of one of the unexploded boilers1 where he lay prone in a fog of scald and deadly steam4 ,but not for long4 ,he did not lose his head--long familiarity with danger had taught him to keep it1 in any and all emergencies4 ,he held his coat-lapels to his nose with one hand1 to keep out the steam1 and scrabbled around with the other till he found the joints of his flute1 then he took measures to save himself alive1 and was successful4 ,i was not on board4 ,i had been put ashore in ,new ,orleans by ,captain ,klinefelter4 ,the reason--however1 ,i have told all about it in the book called ,old ,times ,on ,the ,mississippi1 and it isn't important1 anyway1 it is so long ago4 ,,ii ,when ,i was a ,sunday-school scholar1 something more than sixty years ago1 ,i became interested in ,satan1 and wanted to find out all ,i could about him4 ,i began to ask questions1 but my class-teacher1 ,mr4 ,barclay1 the stone-mason1 was reluctant about answering them1 it seemed to me4 ,i was anxious to be praised for turning my thoughts to serious subjects when there wasn't another boy in the village who could be hired to do such a thing4 ,i was greatly interested in the incident of ,eve and the serpent1 and thought ,eve's calmness was perfectly noble4 ,i asked ,mr4 ,barclay if he had ever heard of another woman who1 being approached by a serpent1 would not excuse herself and break for the nearest timber4 ,he did not answer my question1 but rebuked me for inquiring into matters above my age and comprehension4 ,i will say for ,mr4 ,barclay that he was willing to tell me the facts of ,satan's history1 but he stopped there3 he wouldn't allow any discussion of them4 ,in the course of time we exhausted the facts4 ,there were only five or six of them2 you could set them all down on a visiting-card4 ,i was disappointed4 ,i had been meditating a biography1 and was grieved to find that there were no materials4 ,i said as much1 with the tears running down4 ,mr4 ,barclay's sympathy and compassion were aroused1 for he was a most kind and gentle-spirited man1 and he patted me on the head and cheered me up by saying there was a whole vast ocean of materials6 ,i can still feel the happy thrill which these blessed words shot through me4 ,then he began to bail out that ocean's riches for my encouragement and joy4 ,like this3 it was 8conjectured0--though not established--that ,satan was originally an angel in ,heaven2 that he fell2 that he rebelled1 and brought on a war2 that he was defeated1 and banished to perdition4 ,also1 8we have reason to believe0 that later he did so and so2 that 8we are warranted in supposing0 that at a subsequent time he traveled extensively1 seeking whom he might devour2 that a couple of centuries afterward1 8as tradition instructs us10 he took up the cruel trade of tempting people to their ruin1 with vast and fearful results2 that by and by1 8as the probabilities seem to indicate10 he may have done certain things1 he might have done certain other things1 he must have done still other things4 ,and so on and so on4 ,we set down the five known facts by themselves on a piece of paper1 and numbered it 8page #a02 then on fifteen hundred other pieces of paper we set down the 8conjectures10 and 8suppositions10 and 8maybes10 and 8perhapses10 and 8doubtlesses10 and 8rumors10 and 8guesses10 and 8probabilities10 and 8likelihoods10 and 8we are permitted to thinks10 and 8we are warranted in believings10 and 8might have beens10 and 8could have beens10 and 8must have beens10 and 8unquestionablys10 and 8without a shadow of doubts0--and behold6 ,materials8 ,why1 we had enough to build a biography of ,shakespeare6 ,yet he made me put away my pen2 he would not let me write the history of ,satan4 ,why8 ,because1 as he said1 he had suspicions--suspicions that my attitude in that matter was not reverent1 and that a person must be reverent when writing about the sacred characters4 ,he said any one who spoke flippantly of ,satan would be frowned upon by the religious world and also be brought to account4 ,i assured him1 in earnest and sincere words1 that he had wholly misconceived my attitude2 that ,i had the highest respect for ,satan1 and that my reverence for him equaled1 and possibly even exceeded1 that of any member of any church4 ,i said it wounded me deeply to perceive by his words that he thought ,i would make fun of ,satan1 and deride him1 laugh at him1 scoff at him2 whereas in truth ,i had never thought of such a thing1 but had only a warm desire to make fun of those others and laugh at them4 8,what others80 8,why1 the ,supposers1 the ,perhapsers1 the ,might-,have-,beeners1 the ,could-,have-,beeners1 the ,must-,have-,beeners1 the ,without-a-,shadow-of-,doubters1 the ,we-,are-,warranted-in-,believingers1 and all that funny crop of solemn architects who have taken a good solid foundation of five indisputable and unimportant facts and built upon it a ,conjectural ,satan thirty miles high40 ,what did ,mr4 ,barclay do then8 ,was he disarmed8 ,was he silenced8 ,no4 ,he was shocked4 ,he was so shocked that he visibly shuddered4 ,he said the ,satanic ,traditioners and ,perhapsers and ,conjecturers were themselves sacred6 ,as sacred as their work4 ,so sacred that whoso ventured to mock them or make fun of their work1 could not afterward enter any respectable house1 even by the back door4 ,how true were his words1 and how wise6 ,how fortunate it would have been for me if ,i had heeded them4 ,but ,i was young1 ,i was but seven years of age1 and vain1 foolish1 and anxious to attract attention4 ,i wrote the biography1 and have never been in a respectable house since4 ,,iii ,how curious and interesting is the parallel--as far as poverty of biographical details is concerned--between ,satan and ,shakespeare4 ,it is wonderful1 it is unique1 it stands quite alone1 there is nothing resembling it in history1 nothing resembling it in romance1 nothing approaching it even in tradition4 ,how sublime is their position1 and how over-topping1 how sky-reaching1 how supreme--the two ,great ,unknowns1 the two ,illustrious ,conjecturabilities6 ,they are the best-known unknown persons that have ever drawn breath upon the planet4 ,for the instruction of the ignorant ,i will make a list1 now1 of those details of ,shakespeare's history which are facts--verified facts1 established facts1 undisputed facts4 ,,facts ,he was born on the #bc;d of ,april1 #aefd4 ,of good farmer-class parents who could not read1 could not write1 could not sign their names4 ,at ,stratford1 a small back settlement which in that day was shabby and unclean1 and densely illiterate4 ,of the nineteen important men charged with the government of the town1 thirteen had to 8make their mark0 in attesting important documents1 because they could not write their names4 ,of the first eighteen years of his life nothing is known4 ,they are a blank4 ,on the #bgth of ,november 7#aehb7 ,william ,shakespeare took out a license to marry ,anne ,whateley4 ,next day ,william ,shakespeare took out a license to marry ,anne ,hathaway4 ,she was eight years his senior4 ,william ,shakespeare married ,anne ,hathaway4 ,in a hurry4 ,by grace of a reluctantly granted dispensation there was but one publication of the banns4 ,within six months the first child was born4 ,about two 7blank7 years followed1 during which period nothing at all happened to ,shakespeare1 so far as anybody knows4 ,then came twins--#aehe4 ,february4 ,two blank years follow4 ,then--#aehg--;he makes a ten-year visit to ,london1 leaving the family behind4 ,five blank years follow4 ,during this period nothing happened to him1 as far as anybody actually knows4 ,then--#aeib--there is mention of him as an actor4 ,next year--#aeic--;his name appears in the official list of players4 ,next year--#aeid--;he played before the queen4 ,a detail of no consequence3 other obscurities did it every year of the forty-five of her reign4 ,and remained obscure4 ,three pretty full years follow4 ,full of play-acting4 ,then ,in #aeig he bought ,new ,place1 ,stratford4 ,thirteen or fourteen busy years follow2 years in which he accumulated money1 and also reputation as actor and manager4 ,meantime his name1 liberally and variously spelt1 had become associated with a number of great plays and poems1 as 7ostensibly7 author of the same4 ,some of these1 in these years and later1 were pirated1 but he made no protest4 ,then--#afaj-aa--;he returned to ,stratford and settled down for good and all1 and busied himself in lending money1 trading in tithes1 trading in land and houses2 shirking a debt of forty-one shillings1 borrowed by his wife during his long desertion of his family2 suing debtors for shillings and coppers2 being sued himself for shillings and coppers2 and acting as confederate to a neighbor who tried to rob the town of its rights in a certain common1 and did not succeed4 ,he lived five or six years--till #afaf--;in the joy of these elevated pursuits4 ,then he made a will1 and signed each of its three pages with his name4 ,a thoroughgoing business man's will4 ,it named in minute detail every item of property he owned in the world--houses1 lands1 sword1 silver-gilt bowl1 and so on--all the way down to his 8second-best bed0 and its furniture4 ,it carefully and calculatingly distributed his riches among the members of his family1 overlooking no individual of it4 ,not even his wife3 the wife he had been enabled to marry in a hurry by urgent grace of a special dispensation before he was nineteen2 the wife whom he had left husbandless so many years2 the wife who had had to borrow forty-one shillings in her need1 and which the lender was never able to collect of the prosperous husband1 but died at last with the money still lacking4 ,no1 even this wife was remembered in ,shakespeare's will4 ,he left her that 8second-best bed40 ,and not another thing2 not even a penny to bless her lucky widowhood with4 ,it was eminently and conspicuously a business man's will1 not a poet's4 ,it mentioned not a single book4 ,books were much more precious than swords and silver-gilt bowls and second-best beds in those days1 and when a departing person owned one he gave it a high place in his will4 ,the will mentioned not a play1 not a poem1 not an unfinished literary work1 not a scrap of manuscript of any kind4 ,many poets have died poor1 but this is the only one in history that has died this poor2 the others all left literary remains behind4 ,also a book4 ,maybe two4 ,if ,shakespeare had owned a dog--but we need not go into that3 we know he would have mentioned it in his will4 ,if a good dog1 ,susanna would have got it2 if an inferior one his wife would have got a dower interest in it4 ,i wish he had had a dog1 just so we could see how painstakingly he would have divided that dog among the family1 in his careful business way4 ,he signed the will in three places4 ,in earlier years he signed two other official documents4 ,these five signatures still exist4 ,there are no other specimens of his penmanship in existence4 ,not a line4 ,was he prejudiced against the art8 ,his granddaughter1 whom he loved1 was eight years old when he died1 yet she had had no teaching1 he left no provision for her education1 although he was rich1 and in her mature womanhood she couldn't write and couldn't tell her husband's manuscript from anybody else's--she thought it was ,shakespeare's4 ,when ,shakespeare died in ,stratford1 it was not an event4 ,it made no more stir in ,england than the death of any other forgotten theater-actor would have made4 ,nobody came down from ,london2 there were no lamenting poems1 no eulogies1 no national tears--there was merely silence1 and nothing more4 ,a striking contrast with what happened when ,ben ,jonson1 and ,francis ,bacon1 and ,spenser1 and ,raleigh1 and the other distinguished literary folk of ,shakespeare's time passed from life6 ,no praiseful voice was lifted for the lost ,bard of ,avon2 even ,ben ,jonson waited seven years before he lifted his4 ,so far as anybody actually knows and can prove1 ,shakespeare of ,stratford-on-,avon never wrote a play in his life4 ,so far as anybody knows and can prove1 he never wrote a letter to anybody in his life4 ,so far as any one knows1 he received only one letter during his life4 ,so far as any one knows and can prove1 ,shakespeare of ,stratford wrote only one poem during his life4 ,this one is authentic4 ,he did write that one--a fact which stands undisputed2 he wrote the whole of it2 he wrote the whole of it out of his own head4 ,he commanded that this work of art be engraved upon his tomb1 and he was obeyed4 ,there it abides to this day4 ,this is it3 ,good friend for ,iesus sake forbeare ,to digg the dust encloased heare3 ,blest be ye man yt spares thes stones ,and curst be he yt moves my bones4 ,in the list as above set down will be found every positively known fact of ,shakespeare's life1 lean and meager as the invoice is4 ,beyond these details we know not a thing about him4 ,all the rest of his vast history1 as furnished by the biographers1 is built up1 course upon course1 of guesses1 inferences1 theories1 conjectures--an ,eiffel ,tower of artificialities rising sky-high from a very flat and very thin foundation of inconsequential facts4 ,,iv ,,conjectures ,the historians 8suppose0 that ,shakespeare attended the ,free ,school in ,stratford from the time he was seven years old till he was thirteen4 ,there is no evidence in existence that he ever went to school at all4 ,the historians 8infer0 that he got his ,latin in that school--the school which they 8suppose0 he attended4 ,they 8suppose0 his father's declining fortunes made it necessary for him to leave the school they supposed he attended1 and get to work and help support his parents and their ten children4 ,but there is no evidence that he ever entered or returned from the school they suppose he attended4 ,they 8suppose0 he assisted his father in the butchering business2 and that1 being only a boy1 he didn't have to do full-grown butchering1 but only slaughtered calves4 ,also1 that whenever he killed a calf he made a high-flown speech over it4 ,this supposition rests upon the testimony of a man who wasn't there at the time2 a man who got it from a man who could have been there1 but did not say whether he was nor not2 and neither of them thought to mention it for decades1 and decades1 and decades1 and two more decades after ,shakespeare's death 7until old age and mental decay had refreshed and vivified their memories74 ,they hadn't two facts in stock about the long-dead distinguished citizen1 but only just the one3 he slaughtered calves and broke into oratory while he was at it4 ,curious4 ,they had only one fact1 yet the distinguished citizen had spent twenty-six years in that little town--just half his lifetime4 ,however1 rightly viewed1 it was the most important fact1 indeed almost the only important fact1 of ,shakespeare's life in ,stratford4 ,rightly viewed4 ,for experience is an author's most valuable asset2 experience is the thing that puts the muscle and the breath and the warm blood into the book he writes4 ,rightly viewed1 calf-butchering accounts for 8,titus ,andronicus10 the only play--ain't it8--that the ,stratford ,shakespeare ever wrote2 and yet it is the only one everybody tried to chouse him out of1 the ,baconians included4 ,the historians find themselves 8justified in believing0 that the young ,shakespeare poached upon ,sir ,thomas ,lucy's deer preserves and got haled before that magistrate for it4 ,but there is no shred of respectworthy evidence that anything of the kind happened4 ,the historians1 having argued the thing that might have happened into the thing that did happen1 found no trouble in turning ,sir ,thomas ,lucy into ,mr4 ,justice ,shallow4 ,they have long ago convinced the world--on surmise and without trustworthy evidence--that ,shallow is ,sir ,thomas4 ,the next addition to the young ,shakespeare's ,stratford history comes easy4 ,the historian builds it out of the surmised deer-steeling1 and the surmised trial before the magistrate1 and the surmised vengeance-prompted satire upon the magistrate in the play3 result1 the young ,shakespeare was a wild1 wild1 wild1 oh1 such a wild young scamp1 and that gratuitous slander is established for all time6 ,it is the very way ,professor ,osborn and ,i built the colossal skeleton brontosaur that stands fifty-seven feet long and sixteen feet high in the ,natural ,history ,museum1 the awe and admiration of all the world1 the stateliest skeleton that exists on the planet4 ,we had nine bones1 and we built the rest of him out of plaster of ,paris4 ,we ran short of plaster of ,paris1 or we'd have built a brontosaur that could sit down beside the ,stratford ,shakespeare and none but an expert could tell which was biggest or contained the most plaster4 ,shakespeare pronounced 8,venus and ,adonis0 8the first heir of his invention10 apparently implying that it was his first effort at literary composition4 ,he should not have said it4 ,it has been an embarrassment to his historians these many1 many years4 ,they have to make him write that graceful and polished and flawless and beautiful poem before he escaped from ,stratford and his family--#aehf or '#hg--;age1 twenty-two1 or along there2 because within the next five years he wrote five great plays1 and could not have found time to write another line4 ,it is sorely embarrassing4 ,if he began to slaughter calves1 and poach deer1 and rollick around1 and learn ,english1 at the earliest likely moment--say at thirteen1 when he was supposably wrenched from that school where he was supposably storing up ,latin for future literary use--he had his youthful hands full1 and much more than full4 ,he must have had to put aside his ,warwickshire dialect1 which wouldn't be understood in ,london1 and study ,english very hard4 ,very hard indeed2 incredibly hard1 almost1 if the result of that labor was to be the smooth and rounded and flexible and letter-perfect ,english of the 8,venus and ,adonis0 in the space of ten years2 and at the same time learn great and fine and unsurpassable literary form4 ,however1 it is 8conjectured0 that he accomplished all this and more1 much more3 learned law and its intricacies2 and the complex procedure of the law-courts2 and all about soldiering1 and sailoring1 and the manners and customs and ways of royal courts and aristocratic society2 and likewise accumulated in his one head every kind of knowledge the learned then possessed1 and every kind of humble knowledge possessed by the lowly and the ignorant2 and added thereto a wider and more intimate knowledge of the world's great literatures1 ancient and modern1 than was possessed by any other man of his time--for he was going to make brilliant and easy and admiration-compelling use of these splendid treasures the moment he got to ,london4 ,and according to the surmisers1 that is what he did4 ,yes1 although there was no one in ,stratford able to teach him these things1 and no library in the little village to dig them out of4 ,his father could not read1 and even the surmisers surmise that he did not keep a library4 ,it is surmised by the biographers that the young ,shakespeare got his vast knowledge of the law and his familiar and accurate acquaintance with the manners and customs and shop-talk of lawyers through being for a time the clerk of a ,stratford court2 just as a bright lad like me1 reared in a village on the banks of the ,mississippi1 might become perfect in knowledge of the ,bering ,strait whale-fishery and the shop-talk of the veteran exercises of that adventure-bristling trade through catching catfish with a 8trot-line0 ,sundays4 ,but the surmise is damaged by the fact that there is no evidence--and not even tradition--that the young ,shakespeare was ever clerk of a law-court4 ,it is further surmised that the young ,shakespeare accumulated his law-treasures in the first years of his sojourn in ,london1 through 8amusing himself0 by learning book-law in his garret and by picking up lawyer-talk and the rest of it through loitering about the law-courts and listening4 ,but it is only surmise2 there is no evidence that he ever did either of those things4 ,they are merely a couple of chunks of plaster of ,paris4 ,there is a legend that he got his bread and butter by holding horses in front of the ,london theaters1 mornings and afternoons4 ,maybe he did4 ,if he did1 it seriously shortened his law-study hours and his recreation-time in the courts4 ,in those very days he was writing great plays1 and needed all the time he could get4 ,the horse-holding legend ought to be strangled2 it too formidably increases the historian's difficulty in accounting for the young ,shakespeare's erudition--an erudition which he was acquiring1 hunk by hunk and chunk by chunk1 every day in those strenuous times1 and emptying each day's catch into next day's imperishable drama4 ,he had to acquire a knowledge of war at the same time2 and a knowledge of soldier-people and sailor-people and their ways and talk2 also a knowledge of some foreign lands and their languages3 for he was daily emptying fluent streams of these various knowledges1 too1 into his dramas4 ,how did he acquire these rich assets8 ,in the usual way3 by surmise4 ,it is surmised that he traveled in ,italy and ,germany and around1 and qualified himself to put their scenic and social aspects upon paper2 that he perfected himself in ,french1 ,italian1 and ,spanish on the road2 that he went in ,leicester's expedition to the ,low ,countries1 as soldier or sutler or something1 for several months or years--or whatever length of time a surmiser needs in his business--and thus became familiar with soldiership and soldier-ways and soldier-talk and generalship and general-ways and general-talk1 and seamanship and sailor-ways and sailor-talk4 ,maybe he did all these things1 but ,i would like to know who held the horses in the mean time2 and who studied the books in the garret2 and who frolicked in the law-courts for recreation4 ,also1 who did the call-boying and the play-acting4 ,for he became a call-boy2 and as early as '#ic he became a 8vagabond0--the law's ungentle term for an unlisted actor2 and in '#id a 8regular0 and properly and officially listed member of that 7in those days7 lightly valued and not much respected profession4 ,right soon thereafter he became a stockholder in two theaters1 and manager of them4 ,thenceforward he was a busy and flourishing business man1 and was raking in money with both hands for twenty years4 ,then in a noble frenzy of poetic inspiration he wrote his one poem--his only poem1 his darling--and laid him down and died3 ,good friend for ,iesus sake forbeare ,to digg the dust encloased heare3 ,blest be ye man yt spares thes stones ,and curst be he yt moves my bones4 ,he was probably dead when he wrote it4 ,still1 this is only conjecture4 ,we have only circumstantial evidence4 ,internal evidence4 ,shall ,i set down the rest of the ,conjectures which constitute the giant ,biography of ,william ,shakespeare8 ,it would strain the ,unabridged ,dictionary to hold them4 ,he is a brontosaur3 nine bones and six hundred barrels of plaster of ,paris4 ,v 8,,we ,,may ,,assume0 ,in the ,assuming trade three separate and independent cults are transacting business4 ,two of these cults are known as the ,shakespearites and the ,baconians1 and ,i am the other one--the ,brontosaurian4 ,the ,shakespearite knows that ,shakespeare wrote ,shakespeare's ,works2 the ,baconian knows that ,francis ,bacon wrote them2 the ,brontosaurian doesn't really know which of them did it1 but is quite composedly and contentedly sure that ,shakespeare didn't1 and strongly suspects that ,bacon did4 ,we all have to do a good deal of assuming1 but ,i am fairly certain that in every case ,i can call to mind the ,baconian assumers have come out ahead of the ,shakespearites4 ,both parties handle the same materials1 but the ,baconians seem to me to get much more reasonable and rational and persuasive results out of them than is the case with the ,shakespearites4 ,the ,shakespearite conducts his assuming upon a definite principle1 an unchanging and immutable law3 which is3 #b and #h and #g and #ad1 added together1 make #afe4 ,i believe this to be an error4 ,no matter1 you cannot get a habit-sodden ,shakespearite to cipher-up his materials upon any other basis4 ,with the ,baconian it is different4 ,if you place before him the above figures and set him to adding them up1 he will never in any case get more than #de out of them1 and in nine cases out of ten he will get just the proper #ca4 ,let me try to illustrate the two systems in a simple and homely way calculated to bring the idea within the grasp of the ignorant and unintelligent4 ,we will suppose a case3 take a lap-bred1 house-fed1 uneducated1 inexperienced kitten2 take a rugged old ,tom that's scarred from stem to rudder-post with the memorials of strenuous experience1 and is so cultured1 so educated1 so limitlessly erudite that one may say of him 8all cat-knowledge is his province02 also1 take a mouse4 ,lock the three up in a holeless1 crackless1 exitless prison-cell4 ,wait half an hour1 then open the cell1 introduce a ,shakespearite and a ,baconian1 and let them cipher and assume4 ,the mouse is missing3 the question to be decided is1 where is it8 ,you can guess both verdicts beforehand4 ,one verdict will say the kitten contains the mouse2 the other will as certainly say the mouse is in the tom-cat4 ,the ,shakespearite will ,reason like this--7that is not my word1 it is his74 ,he will say the kitten may have been attending school when nobody was noticing2 therefore we are warranted in assuming that it did so2 also1 it could have been training in a court-clerk's office when no one was noticing2 since that could have happened1 we are justified in assuming that it did happen2 it could have studied catology in a garret when no one was noticing--therefore it did2 it could have attended cat-assizes on the shed-roof nights1 for recreation1 when no one was noticing1 and have harvested a knowledge of cat court-forms and cat lawyer-talk in that way3 it could have done it1 therefore without a doubt it did2 it could have gone soldiering with a war-tribe when no one was noticing1 and learned soldier-wiles and soldier-ways1 and what to do with a mouse when opportunity offers2 the plain inference1 therefore1 is that that is what it did4 ,since all these manifold things could have occurred1 we have every right to believe they did occur4 ,these patiently and painstakingly accumulated vast acquirements and competences needed but one thing more--opportunity--to convert themselves into triumphant action4 ,the opportunity came1 we have the result2 beyond shadow of question the mouse is in the kitten4 ,it is proper to remark that when we of the three cults plant a 8we think we may assume10 we expect it1 under careful watering and fertilizing and tending1 to grow up into a strong and hardy and weather-defying 8there isn't a shadow of a doubt0 at last--and it usually happens4 ,we know what the ,baconian's verdict would be3 8,there is not a rag of evidence that the kitten has had any training1 any education1 any experience qualifying it for the present occasion1 or is indeed equipped for any achievement above lifting such unclaimed milk as comes its way2 but there is abundant evidence--unassailable proof1 in fact--that the other animal is equipped1 to the last detail1 with every qualification necessary for the event4 without shadow of doubt the tom-cat contains the mouse40 ,,vi ,when ,shakespeare died1 in #afaf1 great literary productions attributed to him as author had been before the ,london world and in high favor for twenty-four years4 ,yet his death was not an event4 ,it made no stir1 it attracted no attention4 ,apparently his eminent literary contemporaries did not realize that a celebrated poet had passed from their midst4 ,perhaps they knew a play-actor of minor rank had disappeared1 but did not regard him as the author of his ,works4 8,we are justified in assuming0 this4 ,his death was not even an event in the little town of ,stratford4 ,does this mean that in ,stratford he was not regarded as a celebrity of any kind8 8,we are privileged to assume0--no1 we are indeed obliged to assume--that such was the case4 ,he had spent the first twenty-two or twenty-three years of his life there1 and of course knew everybody and was known by everybody of that day in the town1 including the dogs and the cats and the horses4 ,he had spent the last five or six years of his life there1 diligently trading in every big and little thing that had money in it2 so we are compelled to assume that many of the folk there in those said latter days knew him personally1 and the rest by sight and hearsay4 ,but not as a celebrity8 ,apparently not4 ,for everybody soon forgot to remember any contact with him or any incident connected with him4 ,the dozens of townspeople1 still alive1 who had known of him or known about him in the first twenty-three years of his life were in the same unremembering condition3 if they knew of any incident connected with that period of his life they didn't tell about it4 ,would they if they had been asked8 ,it is most likely4 ,were they asked8 ,it is pretty apparent that they were not4 ,why weren't they8 ,it is a very plausible guess that nobody there or elsewhere was interested to know4 ,for seven years after ,shakespeare's death nobody seems to have been interested in him4 ,then the quarto was published1 and ,ben ,jonson awoke out of his long indifference and sang a song of praise and put it in the front of the book4 ,then silence fell again4 ,for sixty years4 ,then inquiries into ,shakespeare's ,stratford life began to be made1 of ,stratfordians4 ,of ,stratfordians who had known ,shakespeare or had seen him8 ,no4 ,then of ,stratfordians who had seen people who had known or seen people who had seen ,shakespeare8 ,no4 ,apparently the inquires were only made of ,stratfordians who were not ,stratfordians of ,shakespeare's day1 but later comers2 and what they had learned had come to them from persons who had not seen ,shakespeare2 and what they had learned was not claimed as fact1 but only as legend--dim and fading and indefinite legend2 legend of the calf-slaughtering rank1 and not worth remembering either as history or fiction4 ,has it ever happened before--or since--that a celebrated person who had spent exactly half of a fairly long life in the village where he was born and reared1 was able to slip out of this world and leave that village voiceless and gossipless behind him--utterly voiceless41 utterly gossipless8 ,and permanently so8 ,i don't believe it has happened in any case except ,shakespeare's4 ,and couldn't and wouldn't have happened in his case if he had been regarded as a celebrity at the time of his death4 ,when ,i examine my own case--but let us do that1 and see if it will not be recognizable as exhibiting a condition of things quite likely to result1 most likely to result1 indeed substantially sure to result in the case of a celebrated person1 a benefactor of the human race4 ,like me4 ,my parents brought me to the village of ,hannibal1 ,missouri1 on the banks of the ,mississippi1 when ,i was two and a half years old4 ,i entered school at five years of age1 and drifted from one school to another in the village during nine and a half years4 ,then my father died1 leaving his family in exceedingly straitened circumstances2 wherefore my book-education came to a standstill forever1 and ,i became a printer's apprentice1 on board and clothes1 and when the clothes failed ,i got a hymn-book in place of them4 ,this for summer wear1 probably4 ,i lived in ,hannibal fifteen and a half years1 altogether1 then ran away1 according to the custom of persons who are intending to become celebrated4 ,i never lived there afterward4 ,four years later ,i became a 8cub0 on a ,mississippi steamboat in the ,st4 ,louis and ,new ,orleans trade1 and after a year and a half of hard study and hard work the ,u4,s4 inspectors rigorously examined me through a couple of long sittings and decided that ,i knew every inch of the ,mississippi--thirteen hundred miles--in the dark and in the day--as well as a baby knows the way to its mother's paps day or night4 ,so they licensed me as a pilot--knighted me1 so to speak--and ,i rose up clothed with authority1 a responsible servant of the ,united ,states ,government4 ,now then4 ,shakespeare died young--he was only fifty-two4 ,he had lived in his native village twenty-six years1 or about that4 ,he died celebrated 7if you believe everything you read in the books74 ,yet when he died nobody there or elsewhere took any notice of it2 and for sixty years afterward no townsman remembered to say anything about him or about his life in ,stratford4 ,when the inquirer came at last he got but one fact--no1 legend--and got that one at second hand1 from a person who had only heard it as a rumor and didn't claim copyright in it as a production of his own4 ,he couldn't1 very well1 for its date antedated his own birth-date4 ,but necessarily a number of persons were still alive in ,stratford who1 in the days of their youth1 had seen ,shakespeare nearly every day in the last five years of his life1 and they would have been able to tell that inquirer some first-hand things about him if he had in those last days been a celebrity and therefore a person of interest to the villagers4 ,why did not the inquirer hunt them up and interview them8 ,wasn't it worth while8 ,wasn't the matter of sufficient consequence8 ,had the inquirer an engagement to see a dog-fight and couldn't spare the time8 ,it all seems to mean that he never had any literary celebrity1 there or elsewhere1 and no considerable repute as actor and manager4 ,now then1 ,i am away along in life--my seventy-third year being already well behind me--yet sixteen of my ,hannibal schoolmates are still alive today1 and can tell--and do tell--inquirers dozens and dozens of incidents of their young lives and mine together2 things that happened to us in the morning of life1 in the blossom of our youth1 in the good days1 the dear days1 8the days when we went gipsying1 a long time ago40 ,most of them creditable to me1 too4 ,one child to whom ,i paid court when she was five years old and ,i eight still lives in ,hannibal1 and she visited me last summer1 traversing the necessary ten or twelve hundred miles of railroad without damage to her patience or to her old-young vigor4 ,another little lassie to whom ,i paid attention in ,hannibal when she was nine years old and ,i the same1 is still alive--in ,london--and hale and hearty1 just as ,i am4 ,and on the few surviving steamboats--those lingering ghosts and remembrancers of great fleets that plied the big river in the beginning of my water-career--which is exactly as long ago as the whole invoice of the life-years of ,shakespeare numbers--there are still findable two or three river-pilots who saw me do creditable things in those ancient days2 and several white-headed engineers2 and several roustabouts and mates2 and several deck-hands who used to heave the lead for me and send up on the still night the 8,six--feet--scant60 that made me shudder1 and the 8,m-a-r-k--twain60 that took the shudder away1 and presently the darling 8,by the d-e-e-p--four60 that lifted me to heaven for joy4#d ,they know about me1 and can tell4 ,and so do printers1 from ,st4 ,louis to ,new ,york2 and so do newspaper reporters1 from ,nevada to ,san ,francisco4 ,and so do the police4 ,if ,shakespeare had really been celebrated1 like me1 ,stratford could have told things about him2 and if my experience goes for anything1 they'd have done it4 #d ,four fathoms--twenty-four feet4 ,,vii ,if ,i had under my superintendence a controversy appointed to decide whether ,shakespeare wrote ,shakespeare or not1 ,i believe ,i would place before the debaters only the one question1 was shakespeare ever a practicing lawyer8 and leave everything else out4 ,it is maintained that the man who wrote the plays was not merely myriad-minded1 but also myriad-accomplished3 that he not only knew some thousands of things about human life in all its shades and grades1 and about the hundred arts and trades and crafts and professions which men busy themselves in1 but that he could talk about the men and their grades and trades accurately1 making no mistakes4 ,maybe it is so1 but have the experts spoken1 or is it only ,tom1 ,dick1 and ,harry8 ,does the exhibit stand upon wide1 and loose1 and eloquent generalizing--which is not evidence1 and not proof--or upon details1 particulars1 statistics1 illustrations1 demonstrations8 ,experts of unchallengeable authority have testified definitely as to only one of ,shakespeare's multifarious craft-equipments1 so far as my recollections of ,shakespeare-,bacon talk abide with me--his law-equipment4 ,i do not remember that ,wellington or ,napoleon ever examined ,shakespeare's battles and sieges and strategies1 and then decided and established for good and all that they were militarily flawless2 ,i do not remember that any ,nelson1 or ,drake1 or ,cook ever examined his seamanship and said it showed profound and accurate familiarity with that art2 ,i don't remember that any king or prince or duke has ever testified that ,shakespeare was letter-perfect in his handling of royal court-manners and the talk and manners of aristocracies2 ,i don't remember that any illustrious ,latinist or ,grecian or ,frenchman or ,spaniard or ,italian has proclaimed him a past-master in those languages2 ,i don't remember--well1 ,i don't remember that there is testimony--great testimony--imposing testimony--unanswerable and unattackable testimony as to any of ,shakespeare's hundred specialties1 except one--the law4 ,other things change1 with time1 and the student cannot trace back with certainty the changes that various trades and their processes and technicalities have undergone in the long stretch of a century or two and find out what their processes and technicalities were in those early days1 but with the law it is different3 it is mile-stoned and documented all the way back1 and the master of that wonderful trade1 that complex and intricate trade1 that awe-compelling trade1 has competent ways of knowing whether ,shakespeare-law is good law or not2 and whether his law-court procedure is correct or not1 and whether his legal shop-talk is the shop-talk of a veteran practitioner or only a machine-made counterfeit of it gathered from books and from occasional loiterings in ,westminster4 ,richard ,h4 ,dana served two years before the mast1 and had every experience that falls to the lot of the sailor before the mast of our day4 ,his sailor-talk flows from his pen with the sure touch and the ease and confidence of a person who has lived what he is talking about1 not gathered it from books and random listenings4 ,hear him3 ,having hove short1 cast off the gaskets1 and made the bunt of each sail fast by the jigger1 with a man on each yard1 at the word the whole canvas of the ship was loosed1 and with the greatest rapidity possible everything was sheeted home and hoisted up1 the anchor tripped and cat-headed1 and the ship under headway4 ,again3 ,the royal yards were all crossed at once1 and royals and sky-sails set1 and1 as we had the wind free1 the booms were run out1 and all were aloft1 active as cats1 laying out on the yards and booms1 reeving the studding-sail gear2 and sail after sail the captain piled upon her1 until she was covered with canvas1 her sails looking like a great white cloud resting upon a black speck4 ,once more4 ,a race in the ,pacific3 ,our antagonist was in her best trim4 ,being clear of the point1 the breeze became stiff1 and the royal-masts bent under our sails1 but we would not take them in until we saw three boys spring into the rigging of the ,california2 then they were all furled at once1 but with orders to our boys to stay aloft at the top-gallant mast-heads and loose them again at the word4 ,it was my duty to furl the fore-royal2 and while standing by to loose it again1 ,i had a fine view of the scene4 ,from where ,i stood1 the two vessels seemed nothing but spars and sails1 while their narrow decks1 far below1 slanting over by the force of the wind aloft1 appeared hardly capable of supporting the great fabrics raised upon them4 ,the ,california was to windward of us1 and had every advantage2 yet1 while the breeze was stiff we held our own4 ,as soon as it began to slacken she ranged a little ahead1 and the order was given to loose the royals4 ,in an instant the gaskets were off and the bunt dropped4 8,sheet home the fore-royal60--8,weather sheet's home60--8,lee sheet's home60--8,hoist away1 sir60 is bawled from aloft4 8,overhaul your clew-lines60 shouts the mate4 8,aye-aye1 sir1 all clear60--8,taut leech6 belay6 ,well the lee brace2 haul taut to windward60 and the royals are set4 ,what would the captain of any sailing-vessel of our time say to that8 ,he would say1 8,the man that wrote that didn't learn his trade out of a book1 he has been there60 ,but would this same captain be competent to sit in judgment upon ,shakespeare's seamanship--considering the changes in ships and ship-talk that have necessarily taken place1 unrecorded1 unremembered1 and lost to history in the last three hundred years8 ,it is my conviction that ,shakespeare's sailor-talk would be ,choctaw to him4 ,for instance--from 8,the ,tempest03 ,master4 ,boatswain6 ,boatswain4 ,here1 master2 what cheer8 ,master4 ,good1 speak to the mariners3 fall to 't1 yarely1 or we run ourselves to ground2 bestir1 bestir6 7,enter ,mariners47 ,boatswain4 ,heigh1 my hearts6 cheerly1 cheerly1 my hearts6 yare1 yare6 ,take in the topsail4 ,tend to the master's whistle4444 ,down with the topmast6 yare6 lower1 lower6 ,bring her to try wi' the main course4444 ,lay her a-hold1 a-hold6 ,set her two courses4 ,off to sea again2 lay her off4 ,that will do1 for the present2 let us yare a little1 now1 for a change4 ,if a man should write a book and in it make one of his characters say1 8,here1 devil1 empty the quoins into the standing galley and the imposing-stone into the hell-box2 assemble the comps around the frisket and let them jeff for takes and be quick about it10 ,i should recognize a mistake or two in the phrasing1 and would know that the writer was only a printer theoretically1 not practically4 ,i have been a quartz miner in the silver regions--a pretty hard life2 ,i know all the palaver of that business3 ,i know all about discovery claims and the subordinate claims2 ,i know all about lodes1 ledges1 outcroppings1 dips1 spurs1 angles1 shafts1 drifts1 inclines1 levels1 tunnels1 air-shafts1 8horses10 clay casings1 granite casings2 quartz mills and their batteries2 arastras1 and how to charge them with quicksilver and sulphate of copper2 and how to clean them up1 and how to reduce the resulting amalgam in the retorts1 and how to cast the bullion into pigs2 and finally ,i know how to screen tailings1 and also how to hunt for something less robust to do1 and find it4 ,i know the argot of the quartz-mining and milling industry familiarly2 and so whenever ,bret ,harte introduces that industry into a story1 the first time one of his miners opens his mouth ,i recognize from his phrasing that ,harte got the phrasing by listening--like ,shakespeare--,i mean the ,stratford one--not by experience4 ,no one can talk the quartz dialect correctly without learning it with pick and shovel and drill and fuse4 ,i have been a surface miner--gold--and ,i know all its mysteries1 and the dialect that belongs with them2 and whenever ,harte introduces that industry into a story ,i know by the phrasing of his characters that neither he nor they have ever served that trade4 ,i have been a 8pocket0 miner--a sort of gold mining not findable in any but one little spot in the world1 so far as ,i know4 ,i know how1 with horn and water1 to find the trail of a pocket and trace it step by step and stage by stage up the mountain to its source1 and find the compact little nest of yellow metal reposing in its secret home under the ground4 ,i know the language of that trade1 that capricious trade1 that fascinating buried-treasure trade1 and can catch any writer who tries to use it without having learned it by the sweat of his brow and the labor of his hands4 ,i know several other trades and the argot that goes with them2 and whenever a person tries to talk the talk peculiar to any of them without having learned it at its source ,i can trap him always before he gets far on his road4 ,and so1 as ,i have already remarked1 if ,i were required to superintend a ,bacon-,shakespeare controversy1 ,i would narrow the matter down to a single question--the only one1 so far as the previous controversies have informed me1 concerning which illustrious experts of unimpeachable competency have testified3 ,was ,the ,author ,of ,shakespeare's ,works ,a ,lawyer8--a lawyer deeply read and of limitless experience8 ,i would put aside the guesses and surmises1 and perhapses1 and might-have-beens1 and could-have-beens1 and must-have-beens1 and1 we-are-justified-in-presumings1and the rest of those vague specters and shadows and indefinitenesses1 and stand or fall1 win or lose1 by the verdict rendered by the jury upon that single question4 ,if the verdict was ,yes1 ,i should feel quite convinced that the ,stratford ,shakespeare1 the actor1 manager1 and trader who died so obscure1 so forgotten1 so destitute of even village consequence1 that sixty years afterward no fellow-citizen and friend of his later days remembered to tell anything about him1 did not write the ,works4 ,chapter ,,xiii of ,the ,shakespeare ,problem ,restated bears the heading 8,shakespeare as a ,lawyer10 and comprises some fifty pages of expert testimony1 with comments thereon1 and ,i will copy the first nine1 as being sufficient all by themselves1 as it seems to me1 to settle the question which ,i have conceived to be the master-key to the ,shakespeare-,bacon puzzle4 ,,viii ,,shakespeare ,,as ,a ,,lawyer#e #e ,from ,chapter ,,xiii of ,the ,shakespeare ,problem ,restated4 ,by ,george ,g4 ,greenwood1 ,m4,p4 ,john ,lane ,company1 publishers4 ,the ,plays and ,poems of ,shakespeare supply ample evidence that their author not only had a very extensive and accurate knowledge of law1 but that he was well acquainted with the manners and customs of members of the ,inns of ,court and with legal life generally4 8,while novelists and dramatists are constantly making mistakes as to the laws of marriage1 of wills1 and inheritance1 to ,shakespeare's law1 lavishly as he expounds it1 there can neither be demurrer1 nor bill of exceptions1 nor writ of error40 ,such was the testimony borne by one of the most distinguished lawyers of the nineteenth century who was raised to the high office of ,lord ,chief ,justice in #ahej1 and subsequently became ,lord ,chancellor4 ,its weight will1 doubtless1 be more appreciated by lawyers than by laymen1 for only lawyers know how impossible it is for those who have not served an apprenticeship to the law to avoid displaying their ignorance if they venture to employ legal terms and to discuss legal doctrines4 8,there is nothing so dangerous10 wrote ,lord ,campbell1 8as for one not of the craft to tamper with our freemasonry40 ,a layman is certain to betray himself by using some expression which a lawyer would never employ4 ,mr4 ,sidney ,lee himself supplies us with an example of this4 ,he writes 7p4 #afd73 8,on ,february #ae1 #afji1 ,shakespeare444 obtained judgment from a jury against ,addenbroke for the payment of ,no4 #f1 and ,no4 #a1 #es4 #j;d4 costs40 ,now a lawyer would never have spoken of obtaining 8judgment from a jury10 for it is the function of a jury not to deliver judgment 7which is the prerogative of the court71 but to find a verdict on the facts4 ,the error is1 indeed1 a venial one1 but it is just one of those little things which at once enable a lawyer to know if the writer is a layman or 8one of the craft40 ,but when a layman ventures to plunge deeply into legal subjects1 he is naturally apt to make an exhibition of his incompetence4 8,let a non-professional man1 however acute10 writes ,lord ,campbell again1 8presume to talk law1 or to draw illustrations from legal science in discussing other subjects1 and he will speedily fall into laughable absurdity40 ,and what does the same high authority say about ,shakespeare8 ,he had 8a deep technical knowledge of the law10 and an easy familiarity with 8some of the most abstruse proceedings in ,english jurisprudence40 ,and again3 8,whenever he indulges this propensity he uniformly lays down good law40 ,of 8,henry ,,iv410 ,part #b1 he says3 8,if ,lord ,eldon could be supposed to have written the play1 ,i do not see how he could be chargeable with having forgotten any of his law while writing it40 ,charles and ,mary ,cowden ,clarke speak of 8the marvelous intimacy which he displays with legal terms1 his frequent adoption of them in illustration1 and his curiously technical knowledge of their form and force40 ,malone1 himself a lawyer1 wrote3 8,his knowledge of legal terms is not merely such as might be acquired by the casual observation of even his all-comprehending mind2 it has the appearance of technical skill40 ,another lawyer and well- known ,shakespearean1 ,richard ,grant ,white1 says3 8,no dramatist of the time1 not even ,beaumont1 who was the younger son of a judge of the ,common ,pleas1 and who after studying in the ,inns of ,court abandoned law for the drama1 used legal phrases with ,shakespeare's readiness and exactness4 ,and the significance of this fact is heightened by another1 that it is only to the language of the law that he exhibits this inclination4 ,the phrases peculiar to other occupations serve him on rare occasions by way of description1 comparison1 or illustration1 generally when something in the scene suggests them1 but legal phrases flow from his pen as part of his vocabulary and parcel of his thought4 ,take the word #8purchase' for instance1 which1 in ordinary use1 means to acquire by giving value1 but applies in law to all legal modes of obtaining property except by inheritance or descent1 and in this peculiar sense the word occurs five times in ,shakespeare's thirty-four plays1 and only in one single instance in the fifty-four plays of ,beaumont and ,fletcher4 ,it has been suggested that it was in attendance upon the courts in ,london that he picked up his legal vocabulary4 ,but this supposition not only fails to account for ,shakespeare's peculiar freedom and exactness in the use of that phraseology1 it does not even place him in the way of learning those terms his use of which is most remarkable1 which are not such as he would have heard at ordinary proceedings at ,nisi ,prius1 but such as refer to the tenure or transfer of real property1 #8fine and recovery1' #8statutes merchant1' #8purchase1' #8indenture1' #8tenure1' #8double voucher1' #8fee simple1' #8fee farm1' #8remainder1' #8reversion1' #8forfeiture1' etc4 ,this conveyancer's jargon could not have been picked up by hanging round the courts of law in ,london two hundred and fifty years ago1 when suits as to the title of real property were comparatively rare4 ,and besides1 ,shakespeare uses his law just as freely in his first plays1 written in his first ,london years1 as in those produced at a later period4 ,just as exactly1 too2 for the correctness and propriety with which these terms are introduced have compelled the admiration of a ,chief ,justice and a ,lord ,chancellor40 ,senator ,davis wrote3 8,we seem to have something more than a sciolist's temerity of indulgence in the terms of an unfamiliar art4 ,no legal solecisms will be found4 ,the abstrusest elements of the common law are impressed into a disciplined service4 ,over and over again1 where such knowledge is unexampled in writers unlearned in the law1 ,shakespeare appears in perfect possession of it4 ,in the law of real property1 its rules of tenure and descents1 its entails1 its fines and recoveries1 their vouchers and double vouchers1 in the procedure of the ,courts1 the method of bringing writs and arrests1 the nature of actions1 the rules of pleading1 the law of escapes and of contempt of court1 in the principles of evidence1 both technical and philosophical1 in the distinction between the temporal and spiritual tribunals1 in the law of attainder and forfeiture1 in the requisites of a valid marriage1 in the presumption of legitimacy1 in the learning of the law of prerogative1 in the inalienable character of the ,crown1 this mastership appears with surprising authority40 ,to all this testimony 7and there is much more which ,i have not cited7 may now be added that of a great lawyer of our own times1 viz43 ,sir ,james ,plaisted ,wilde1 ,q4,c4 #ahee1 created a ,baron of the ,exchequer in #ahfj1 promoted to the post of ,judge-,ordinary and ,judge of the ,courts of ,probate and ,divorce in #ahfc1 and better known to the world as ,lord ,penzance1 to which dignity he was raised in #ahfi4 ,lord ,penzance1 as all lawyers know1 and as the late ,mr4 ,inderwick1 ,k4,c41 has testified1 was one of the first legal authorities of his day1 famous for his 8remarkable grasp of legal principles10 and 8endowed by nature with a remarkable facility for marshaling facts1 and for a clear expression of his views40 ,lord ,penzance speaks of ,shakespeare's 8perfect familiarity with not only the principles1 axioms1 and maxims1 but the technicalities of ,english law1 a knowledge so perfect and intimate that he was never incorrect and never at fault4444 ,the mode in which this knowledge was pressed into service on all occasions to express his meaning and illustrate his thoughts was quite unexampled4 ,he seems to have had a special pleasure in his complete and ready mastership of it in all its branches4 ,as manifested in the plays1 this legal knowledge and learning had therefore a special character which places it on a wholly different footing from the rest of the multifarious knowledge which is exhibited in page after page of the plays4 ,at every turn and point at which the author required a metaphor1 simile1 or illustration1 his mind ever turned first to the law4 ,he seems almost to have thought in legal phrases1 the commonest of legal expressions were ever at the end of his pen in description or illustration4 ,that he should have descanted in lawyer language when he had a forensic subject in hand1 such as ,shylock's bond1 was to be expected1 but the knowledge of law in #8,shakespeare' was exhibited in a far different manner3 it protruded itself on all occasions1 appropriate or inappropriate1 and mingled itself with strains of thought widely divergent from forensic subjects40 ,again3 8,to acquire a perfect familiarity with legal principles1 and an accurate and ready use of the technical terms and phrases not only of the conveyancer's office1 but of the pleader's chambers and the ,courts at ,westminster1 nothing short of employment in some career involving constant contact with legal questions and general legal work would be requisite4 ,but a continuous employment involves the element of time1 and time was just what the manager of two theaters had not at his disposal4 ,in what portion of ,shakespeare's 7i4e41 ,shakspere's7 career would it be possible to point out that time could be found for the interposition of a legal employment in the chambers or offices of practicing lawyers80 ,stratfordians1 as is well known1 casting about for some possible explanation of ,shakespeare's extraordinary knowledge of law1 have made the suggestion that ,shakespeare might1 conceivably1 have been a clerk in an attorney's office before he came to ,london4 ,mr4 ,collier wrote to ,lord ,campbell to ask his opinion as to the probability of this being true4 ,his answer was as follows3 8,you require us to believe implicitly a fact1 of which1 if true1 positive and irrefragable evidence in his own handwriting might have been forthcoming to establish it4 ,not having been actually enrolled as an attorney1 neither the records of the local court at ,stratford nor of the superior ,courts at ,westminster would present his name as being concerned in any suit as an attorney1 but it might reasonably have been expected that there would be deeds or wills witnessed by him still extant1 and after a very diligent search none such can be discovered40 ,upon this ,lord ,penzance comments3 8,it cannot be doubted that ,lord ,campbell was right in this4 ,no young man could have been at work in an attorney's office without being called upon continually to act as a witness1 and in many other ways leaving traces of his work and name40 ,there is not a single fact or incident in all that is known of ,shakespeare1 even by rumor or tradition1 which supports this notion of a clerkship4 ,and after much argument and surmise which has been indulged in on this subject1 we may1 ,i think1 safely put the notion on one side1 for no less an authority than ,mr4 ,grant ,white says finally that the idea of his having been clerk to an attorney has been 8blown to pieces40 ,it is altogether characteristic of ,mr4 ,churton ,collins that he1 nevertheless1 adopts this exploded myth4 8,that ,shakespeare was in early life employed as a clerk in an attorney's office may be correct4 ,at ,stratford there was by royal charter a ,court of ,record sitting every fortnight1 with six attorneys1 besides the town clerk1 belonging to it1 and it is certainly not straining probability to suppose that the young ,shakespeare may have had employment in one of them4 ,there is1 it is true1 no tradition to this effect1 but such traditions as we have about ,shakespeare's occupation between the time of leaving school and going to ,london are so loose and baseless that no confidence can be placed in them4 ,it is1 to say the least1 more probable that he was in an attorney's office than that he was a butcher killing calves #8in a high style1' and making speeches over them40 ,this is a charming specimen of ,stratfordian argument4 ,there is1 as we have seen1 a very old tradition that ,shakespeare was a butcher's apprentice4 ,john ,dowdall1 who made a tour in ,warwickshire in #afic1 testifies to it as coming from the old clerk who showed him over the church1 and it is unhesitatingly accepted as true by ,mr4 ,halliwell-,phillipps4 7,vol4 ,i1 p4 #aa1 and ,vol4 ,,ii1 pp4 #ga1 #gb47 ,mr4 ,sidney ,lee sees nothing improbable in it1 and it is supported by ,aubrey1 who must have written his account some time before #afhj1 when his manuscript was completed4 ,of the attorney's clerk hypothesis1 on the other hand1 there is not the faintest vestige of a tradition4 ,it has been evolved out of the fertile imaginations of embarrassed ,stratfordians1 seeking for some explanation of the ,stratford rustic's marvelous acquaintance with law and legal terms and legal life4 ,but ,mr4 ,churton ,collins has not the least hesitation in throwing over the tradition which has the warrant of antiquity and setting up in its stead this ridiculous invention1 for which not only is there no shred of positive evidence1 but which1 as ,lord ,campbell and ,lord ,penzance point out1 is really put out of court by the negative evidence1 since 8no young man could have been at work in an attorney's office without being called upon continually to act as a witness1 and in many other ways leaving traces of his work and name40 ,and as ,mr4 ,edwards further points out1 since the day when ,lord ,campbell's book was published 7between forty and fifty years ago71 8every old deed or will1 to say nothing of other legal papers1 dated during the period of ,william ,shakespeare's youth1 has been scrutinized over half a dozen shires1 and not one signature of the young man has been found40 ,moreover1 if ,shakespeare had served as clerk in an attorney's office it is clear that he must have so served for a considerable period in order to have gained 7if1 indeed1 it is credible that he could have so gained7 his remarkable knowledge of the law4 ,can we then for a moment believe that1 if this had been so1 tradition would have been absolutely silent on the matter8 ,that ,dowdall's old clerk1 over eighty years of age1 should have never heard of it 7though he was sure enough about the butcher's apprentice7 and that all the other ancient witnesses should be in similar ignorance6 ,but such are the methods of ,stratfordian controversy4 ,tradition is to be scouted when it is found inconvenient1 but cited as irrefragable truth when it suits the case4 ,shakespeare of ,stratford was the author of the ,plays and ,poems1 but the author of the ,plays and ,poems could not have been a butcher's apprentice4 ,away1 therefore1 with tradition4 ,but the author of the ,plays and ,poems must have had a very large and a very accurate knowledge of the law4 ,therefore1 ,shakespeare of ,stratford must have been an attorney's clerk6 ,the method is simplicity itself4 ,by similar reasoning ,shakespeare has been made a country schoolmaster1 a soldier1 a physician1 a printer1 and a good many other things besides1 according to the inclination and the exigencies of the commentator4 ,it would not be in the least surprising to find that he was studying ,latin as a schoolmaster and law in an attorney's office at the same time4 ,however1 we must do ,mr4 ,collins the justice of saying that he has fully recognized1 what is indeed tolerably obvious1 that ,shakespeare must have had a sound legal training4 8,it may1 of course1 be urged10 he writes1 8that ,shakespeare's knowledge of medicine1 and particularly that branch of it which related to morbid psychology1 is equally remarkable1 and that no one has ever contended that he was a physician4 7,here ,mr4 ,collins is wrong2 that contention also has been put forward47 ,it may be urged that his acquaintance with the technicalities of other crafts and callings1 notably of marine and military affairs1 was also extraordinary1 and yet no one has suspected him of being a sailor or a soldier4 7,wrong again4 ,why1 even ,messrs4 ,garnett and ,gosse 8suspect0 that he was a soldier67 ,this may be conceded1 but the concession hardly furnishes an analogy4 ,to these and all other subjects he recurs occasionally1 and in season1 but with reminiscences of the law his memory1 as is abundantly clear1 was simply saturated4 ,in season and out of season now in manifest1 now in recondite application1 he presses it into the service of expression and illustration4 ,at least a third of his myriad metaphors are derived from it4 ,it would indeed be difficult to find a single act in any of his dramas1 nay1 in some of them1 a single scene1 the diction and imagery of which are not colored by it4 ,much of his law may have been acquired from three books easily accessible to him--namely1 ,tottell's ,precedents 7#aegb71 ,pulton's ,statutes 7#aegh71 and ,fraunce's ,lawier's ,logike 7#aehh71 works with which he certainly seems to have been familiar2 but much of it could only have come from one who had an intimate acquaintance with legal proceedings4 ,we quite agree with ,mr4 ,castle that ,shakespeare's legal knowledge is not what could have been picked up in an attorney's office1 but could only have been learned by an actual attendance at the ,courts1 at a ,pleader's ,chambers1 and on circuit1 or by associating intimately with members of the ,bench and ,bar40 ,this is excellent4 ,but what is ,mr4 ,collins's explanation8 8,perhaps the simplest solution of the problem is to accept the hypothesis that in early life he was in an attorney's office 7671 that he there contracted a love for the law which never left him1 that as a young man in ,london he continued to study or dabble in it for his amusement1 to stroll in leisure hours into the ,courts1 and to frequent the society of lawyers4 ,on no other supposition is it possible to explain the attraction which the law evidently had for him1 and his minute and undeviating accuracy in a subject where no layman who has indulged in such copious and ostentatious display of legal technicalities has ever yet succeeded in keeping himself from tripping40 ,a lame conclusion4 8,no other supposition0 indeed6 ,yes1 there is another1 and a very obvious supposition--namely1 that ,shakespeare was himself a lawyer1 well versed in his trade1 versed in all the ways of the courts1 and living in close intimacy with judges and members of the ,inns of ,court4 ,one is1 of course1 thankful that ,mr4 ,collins has appreciated the fact that ,shakespeare must have had a sound legal training1 but ,i may be forgiven if ,i do not attach quite so much importance to his pronouncements on this branch of the subject as to those of ,malone1 ,lord ,campbell1 ,judge ,holmes1 ,mr4 ,castle1 ,k4,c41 ,lord ,penzance1 ,mr4 ,grant ,white1 and other lawyers1 who have expressed their opinion on the matter of ,shakespeare's legal acquirements4444 ,here it may1 perhaps1 be worth while to quote again from ,lord ,penzance's book as to the suggestion that ,shakespeare had somehow or other managed 8to acquire a perfect familiarity with legal principles1 and an accurate and ready use of the technical terms and phrases1 not only of the conveyancer's office1 but of the pleader's chambers and the ,courts at ,westminster40 ,this1 as ,lord ,penzance points out1 8would require nothing short of employment in some career involving constant contact with legal questions and general legal work40 ,but 8in what portion of ,shakespeare's career would it be possible to point out that time could be found for the interposition of a legal employment in the chambers or offices of practicing lawyers8444 ,it is beyond doubt that at an early period he was called upon to abandon his attendance at school and assist his father1 and was soon after1 at the age of sixteen1 bound apprentice to a trade4 ,while under the obligation of this bond he could not have pursued any other employment4 ,then he leaves ,stratford and comes to ,london4 ,he has to provide himself with the means of a livelihood1 and this he did in some capacity at the theater4 ,no one doubts that4 ,the holding of horses is scouted by many1 and perhaps with justice1 as being unlikely and certainly unproved2 but whatever the nature of his employment was at the theater1 there is hardly room for the belief that it could have been other than continuous1 for his progress there was so rapid4 ,ere long he had been taken into the company as an actor1 and was soon spoken of as a #8,johannes ,factotum4' ,his rapid accumulation of wealth speaks volumes for the constancy and activity of his services4 ,one fails to see when there could be a break in the current of his life at this period of it1 giving room or opportunity for legal or indeed any other employment4 #8,in #aehi1' says ,knight1 #8we have undeniable evidence that he had not only a casual engagement1 was not only a salaried servant1 as many players were1 but was a shareholder in the company of the ,queen's players with other shareholders below him on the list4' ,this 7#aehi7 would be within two years after his arrival in ,london1 which is placed by ,white and ,halliwell- ,phillipps about the year #aehg4 ,the difficulty in supposing that1 starting with a state of ignorance in #aehg1 when he is supposed to have come to ,london1 he was induced to enter upon a course of most extended study and mental culture1 is almost insuperable4 ,still it was physically possible1 provided always that he could have had access to the needful books4 ,but this legal training seems to me to stand on a different footing4 ,it is not only unaccountable and incredible1 but it is actually negatived by the known facts of his career40 ,lord ,penzance then refers to the fact that 8by #aeib 7according to the best authority1 ,mr4 ,grant ,white7 several of the plays had been written4 #8,the ,comedy of ,errors' in #aehi1 #8,love's ,labour's ,lost' in #aehi1 #8,two ,gentlemen of ,verona' in #aehi or #aeij10 and so forth1 and then asks1 8with this catalogue of dramatic work on hand444 was it possible that he could have taken a leading part in the management and conduct of two theaters1 and if ,mr4 ,phillipps is to be relied upon1 taken his share in the performances of the provincial tours of his company--and at the same time devoted himself to the study of the law in all its branches so efficiently as to make himself complete master of its principles and practice1 and saturate his mind with all its most technical terms80 ,i have cited this passage from ,lord ,penzance's book1 because it lay before me1 and ,i had already quoted from it on the matter of ,shakespeare's legal knowledge2 but other writers have still better set forth the insuperable difficulties1 as they seem to me1 which beset the idea that ,shakespeare might have found time in some unknown period of early life1 amid multifarious other occupations1 for the study of classics1 literature1 and law1 to say nothing of languages and a few other matters4 ,lord ,penzance further asks his readers3 8,did you ever meet with or hear of an instance in which a young man in this country gave himself up to legal studies and engaged in legal employments1 which is the only way of becoming familiar with the technicalities of practice1 unless with the view of practicing in that profession8 ,i do not believe that it would be easy1 or indeed possible1 to produce an instance in which the law has been seriously studied in all its branches1 except as a qualification for practice in the legal profession40 ,this testimony is so strong1 so direct1 so authoritative2 and so uncheapened1 unwatered by guesses1 and surmises1 and maybe-so's1 and might-have-beens1 and could-have-beens1 and must-have-beens1 and the rest of that ton of plaster of ,paris out of which the biographers have built the colossal brontosaur which goes by the ,stratford actor's name1 that it quite convinces me that the man who wrote ,shakespeare's ,works knew all about law and lawyers4 ,also1 that that man could not have been the ,stratford ,shakespeare--and wasn't4 ,who did write these ,works1 then8 ,i wish ,i knew4 ,,ix ,did ,francis ,bacon write ,shakespeare's ,works8 ,nobody knows4 ,we cannot say we know a thing when that thing has not been proved4 ,know is too strong a word to use when the evidence is not final and absolutely conclusive4 ,we can infer1 if we want to1 like those slaves4444 ,no1 ,i will not write that word1 it is not kind1 it is not courteous4 ,the upholders of the ,stratford-,shakespeare superstition call us the hardest names they can think of1 and they keep doing it all the time2 very well1 if they like to descend to that level1 let them do it1 but ,i will not so undignify myself as to follow them4 ,i cannot call them harsh names2 the most ,i can do is to indicate them by terms reflecting my disapproval2 and this without malice1 without venom4 ,to resume4 ,what ,i was about to say was1 those thugs have built their entire superstition upon inferences1 not upon known and established facts4 ,it is a weak method1 and poor1 and ,i am glad to be able to say our side never resorts to it while there is anything else to resort to4 ,but when we must1 we must2 and we have now arrived at a place of that sort4444 ,since the ,stratford ,shakespeare couldn't have written the ,works1 we infer that somebody did4 ,who was it1 then8 ,this requires some more inferring4 ,ordinarily when an unsigned poem sweeps across the continent like a tidal wave whose roar and boom and thunder are made up of admiration1 delight1 and applause1 a dozen obscure people rise up and claim the authorship4 ,why a dozen1 instead of only one or two8 ,one reason is1 because there are a dozen that are recognizably competent to do that poem4 ,do you remember 8,beautiful ,snow08 ,do you remember 8,rock ,me to ,sleep1 ,mother1 ,rock ,me to ,sleep08 ,do you remember 8,backward1 turn1 backward1 ,o ,time1 in thy flight6 ,make me a child again just for tonight08 ,i remember them very well4 ,their authorship was claimed by most of the grown-up people who were alive at the time1 and every claimant had one plausible argument in his favor1 at least--to wit1 he could have done the authoring2 he was competent4 ,have the ,works been claimed by a dozen8 ,they haven't4 ,there was good reason4 ,the world knows there was but one man on the planet at the time who was competent--not a dozen1 and not two4 ,a long time ago the dwellers in a far country used now and then to find a procession of prodigious footprints stretching across the plain--footprints that were three miles apart1 each footprint a third of a mile long and a furlong deep1 and with forests and villages mashed to mush in it4 ,was there any doubt as to who made that mighty trail8 ,were there a dozen claimants8 ,where there two8 ,no--the people knew who it was that had been along there3 there was only one ,hercules4 ,there has been only one ,shakespeare4 ,there couldn't be two2 certainly there couldn't be two at the same time4 ,it takes ages to bring forth a ,shakespeare1 and some more ages to match him4 ,this one was not matched before his time2 nor during his time2 and hasn't been matched since4 ,the prospect of matching him in our time is not bright4 ,the ,baconians claim that the ,stratford ,shakespeare was not qualified to write the ,works1 and that ,francis ,bacon was4 ,they claim that ,bacon possessed the stupendous equipment--both natural and acquired--for the miracle2 and that no other ,englishman of his day possessed the like2 or1 indeed1 anything closely approaching it4 ,macaulay1 in his ,essay1 has much to say about the splendor and horizonless magnitude of that equipment4 ,also1 he has synopsized ,bacon's history--a thing which cannot be done for the ,stratford ,shakespeare1 for he hasn't any history to synopsize4 ,bacon's history is open to the world1 from his boyhood to his death in old age--a history consisting of known facts1 displayed in minute and multitudinous detail2 facts1 not guesses and conjectures and might-have-beens4 ,whereby it appears that he was born of a race of statesmen1 and had a ,lord ,chancellor for his father1 and a mother who was 8distinguished both as a linguist and a theologian3 she corresponded in ,greek with ,bishop ,jewell1 and translated his ,apologia from the ,latin so correctly that neither he nor ,archbishop ,parker could suggest a single alteration40 ,it is the atmosphere we are reared in that determines how our inclinations and aspirations shall tend4 ,the atmosphere furnished by the parents to the son in this present case was an atmosphere saturated with learning2 with thinkings and ponderings upon deep subjects2 and with polite culture4 ,it had its natural effect4 ,shakespeare of ,stratford was reared in a house which had no use for books1 since its owners1 his parents1 were without education4 ,this may have had an effect upon the son1 but we do not know1 because we have no history of him of an informing sort4 ,there were but few books anywhere1 in that day1 and only the well-to-do and highly educated possessed them1 they being almost confined to the dead languages4 8,all the valuable books then extant in all the vernacular dialects of ,europe would hardly have filled a single shelf0--imagine it6 ,the few existing books were in the ,latin tongue mainly4 8,a person who was ignorant of it was shut out from all acquaintance--not merely with ,cicero and ,virgil1 but with the most interesting memoirs1 state papers1 and pamphlets of his own time0--a literature necessary to the ,stratford lad1 for his fictitious reputation's sake1 since the writer of his ,works would begin to use it wholesale and in a most masterly way before the lad was hardly more than out of his teens and into his twenties4 ,at fifteen ,bacon was sent to the university1 and he spent three years there4 ,thence he went to ,paris in the train of the ,english ,ambassador1 and there he mingled daily with the wise1 the cultured1 the great1 and the aristocracy of fashion1 during another three years4 ,a total of six years spent at the sources of knowledge2 knowledge both of books and of men4 ,the three spent at the university were coeval with the second and last three spent by the little ,stratford lad at ,stratford school supposedly1 and perhapsedly1 and maybe1 and by inference--with nothing to infer from4 ,the second three of the ,baconian six were 8presumably0 spent by the ,stratford lad as apprentice to a butcher4 ,that is1 the thugs presume it--on no evidence of any kind4 ,which is their way1 when they want a historical fact4 ,fact and presumption are1 for business purposes1 all the same to them4 ,they know the difference1 but they also know how to blink it4 ,they know1 too1 that while in history-building a fact is better than a presumption1 it doesn't take a presumption long to bloom into a fact when they have the handling of it4 ,they know by old experience that when they get hold of a presumption-tadpole he is not going to stay tadpole in their history-tank2 no1 they know how to develop him into the giant four-legged bullfrog of fact1 and make him sit up on his hams1 and puff out his chin1 and look important and insolent and come-to-stay2 and assert his genuine simon-pure authenticity with a thundering bellow that will convince everybody because it is so loud4 ,the thug is aware that loudness convinces sixty persons where reasoning convinces but one4 ,i wouldn't be a thug1 not even if--but never mind about that1 it has nothing to do with the argument1 and it is not noble in spirit besides4 ,if ,i am better than a thug1 is the merit mine8 ,no1 it is ,his4 ,then to ,him be the praise4 ,that is the right spirit4 ,they 8presume0 the lad severed his 8presumed0 connection with the ,stratford school to become apprentice to a butcher4 ,they also 8presume0 that the butcher was his father4 ,they don't know4 ,there is no written record of it1 nor any other actual evidence4 ,if it would have helped their case any1 they would have apprenticed him to thirty butchers1 to fifty butchers1 to a wilderness of butchers--all by their patented method 8presumption40 ,if it will help their case they will do it yet2 and if it will further help it1 they will 8presume0 that all those butchers were his father4 ,and the week after1 they will say it4 ,why1 it is just like being the past tense of the compound reflexive adverbial incandescent hypodermic irregular accusative ,noun of ,multitude2 which is father to the expression which the grammarians call ,verb4 ,it is like a whole ancestry1 with only one posterity4 ,to resume4 ,next1 the young ,bacon took up the study of law1 and mastered that abstruse science4 ,from that day to the end of his life he was daily in close contact with lawyers and judges2 not as a casual onlooker in intervals between holding horses in front of a theater1 but as a practicing lawyer--a great and successful one1 a renowned one1 a ,launcelot of the bar1 the most formidable lance in the high brotherhood of the legal ,table ,round2 he lived in the law's atmosphere thenceforth1 all his years1 and by sheer ability forced his way up its difficult steeps to its supremest summit1 the ,lord-,chancellorship1 leaving behind him no fellow-craftsman qualified to challenge his divine right to that majestic place4 ,when we read the praises bestowed by ,lord ,penzance and the other illustrious experts upon the legal condition and legal aptnesses1 brilliances1 profundities1 and felicities so prodigally displayed in the ,plays1 and try to fit them to the historyless ,stratford stage-manager1 they sound wild1 strange1 incredible1 ludicrous2 but when we put them in the mouth of ,bacon they do not sound strange1 they seem in their natural and rightful place1 they seem at home there4 ,please turn back and read them again4 ,attributed to ,shakespeare of ,stratford they are meaningless1 they are inebriate extravagancies--intemperate admirations of the dark side of the moon1 so to speak2 attributed to ,bacon1 they are admirations of the golden glories of the moon's front side1 the moon at the full--and not intemperate1 not overwrought1 but sane and right1 and justified4 8,at every turn and point at which the author required a metaphor1 simile1 or illustration1 his mind ever turned first to the law2 he seems almost to have thought in legal phrases2 the commonest legal phrases1 the commonest of legal expressions1 were ever at the end of his pen40 ,that could happen to no one but a person whose trade was the law2 it could not happen to a dabbler in it4 ,veteran mariners fill their conversation with sailor-phrases and draw all their similes from the ship and the sea and the storm1 but no mere passenger ever does it1 be he of ,stratford or elsewhere2 or could do it with anything resembling accuracy1 if he were hardy enough to try4 ,please read again what ,lord ,campbell and the other great authorities have said about ,bacon when they thought they were saying it about ,shakespeare of ,stratford4 ,x ,,the ,,rest ,,of ,,the ,,equipment ,the author of the ,plays was equipped1 beyond every other man of his time1 with wisdom1 erudition1 imagination1 capaciousness of mind1 grace1 and majesty of expression4 ,every one has said it1 no one doubts it4 ,also1 he had humor1 humor in rich abundance1 and always wanting to break out4 ,we have no evidence of any kind that ,shakespeare of ,stratford possessed any of these gifts or any of these acquirements4 ,the only lines he ever wrote1 so far as we know1 are substantially barren of them--barren of all of them4 ,good friend for ,iesus sake forbeare ,to digg the dust encloased heare3 ,blest be ye man yt spares thes stones ,and curst be he yt moves my bones4 ,ben ,jonson says of ,bacon1 as orator3 ,his language1 where he could spare and pass by a jest1 was nobly censorious4 ,no man ever spoke more neatly1 more pressly1 more weightily1 or suffered less emptiness1 less idleness1 in what he uttered4 ,no member of his speech but consisted of his 7its7 own graces4444 ,the fear of every man that heard him was lest he should make an end4 ,from ,macaulay3 ,he continued to distinguish himself in ,parliament1 particularly by his exertions in favor of one excellent measure on which the ,king's heart was set--the union of ,england and ,scotland4 ,it was not difficult for such an intellect to discover many irresistible arguments in favor of such a scheme4 ,he conducted the great case of the ,post ,nati in the ,exchequer ,chamber2 and the decision of the judges--a decision the legality of which may be questioned1 but the beneficial effect of which must be acknowledged--was in a great measure attributed to his dexterous management4 ,again3 ,while actively engaged in the ,house of ,commons and in the courts of law1 he still found leisure for letters and philosophy4 ,the noble treatise on the ,advancement ,of ,learning1 which at a later period was expanded into the ,de ,augmentis1 appeared in #afje4 ,the ,wisdom ,of ,the ,ancients1 a work which1 if it had proceeded from any other writer1 would have been considered as a masterpiece of wit and learning1 was printed in #afji4 ,in the mean time the ,novum ,organum was slowly proceeding4 ,several distinguished men of learning had been permitted to see portions of that extraordinary book1 and they spoke with the greatest admiration of his genius4 ,even ,sir ,thomas ,bodley1 after perusing the ,cogitata ,et ,visa1 one of the most precious of those scattered leaves out of which the great oracular volume was afterward made up1 acknowledged that 8in all proposals and plots in that book1 ,bacon showed himself a master workman02 and that 8it could not be gainsaid but all the treatise over did abound with choice conceits of the present state of learning1 and with worthy contemplations of the means to procure it40 ,in #afab a new edition of the ,essays appeared1 with additions surpassing the original collection both in bulk and quality4 ,nor did these pursuits distract ,bacon's attention from a work the most arduous1 the most glorious1 and the most useful that even his mighty powers could have achieved1 8the reducing and recompiling10 to use his own phrase1 8of the laws of ,england40 ,to serve the exacting and laborious offices of ,attorney-,general and ,solicitor-,general would have satisfied the appetite of any other man for hard work1 but ,bacon had to add the vast literary industries just described1 to satisfy his4 ,he was a born worker4 ,the service which he rendered to letters during the last five years of his life1 amid ten thousand distractions and vexations1 increase the regret with which we think on the many years which he had wasted1 to use the words of ,sir ,thomas ,bodley1 8on such study as was not worthy such a student40 ,he commenced a digest of the laws of ,england1 a ,history of ,england under the ,princes of the ,house of ,tudor1 a body of ,national ,history1 a ,philosophical ,romance4 ,he made extensive and valuable additions to his ,essays4 ,he published the inestimable ,treatise ,de ,augmentis ,scientiarum4 ,did these labors of ,hercules fill up his time to his contentment1 and quiet his appetite for work8 ,not entirely3 ,the trifles with which he amused himself in hours of pain and languor bore the mark of his mind4 ,the ,best ,jest-,book ,in ,the ,world is that which he dictated from memory1 without referring to any book1 on a day on which illness had rendered him incapable of serious study4 ,here are some scattered remarks 7from ,macaulay7 which throw light upon ,bacon1 and seem to indicate--and maybe demonstrate--that he was competent to write the ,plays and ,poems3 ,with great minuteness of observation he had an amplitude of comprehension such as has never yet been vouchsafed to any other human being4 ,the ,essays contain abundant proofs that no nice feature of character1 no peculiarity in the ordering of a house1 a garden1 or a court-masque1 could escape the notice of one whose mind was capable of taking in the whole world of knowledge4 ,his understanding resembled the tent which the fairy ,paribanou gave to ,prince ,ahmed3 fold it1 and it seemed a toy for the hand of a lady2 spread it1 and the armies of the powerful ,sultans might repose beneath its shade4 ,the knowledge in which ,bacon excelled all men was a knowledge of the mutual relations of all departments of knowledge4 ,in a letter written when he was only thirty-one1 to his uncle1 ,lord ,burleigh1 he said1 8,i have taken all knowledge to be my province40 ,though ,bacon did not arm his philosophy with the weapons of logic1 he adorned her profusely with all the richest decorations of rhetoric4 ,the practical faculty was powerful in ,bacon2 but not1 like his wit1 so powerful as occasionally to usurp the place of his reason and to tyrannize over the whole man4 ,there are too many places in the ,plays where this happens4 ,poor old dying ,john of ,gaunt volleying second-rate puns at his own name1 is a pathetic instance of it4 8,we may assume0 that it is ,bacon's fault1 but the ,stratford ,shakespeare has to bear the blame4 ,no imagination was ever at once so strong and so thoroughly subjugated4 ,it stopped at the first check from good sense4 ,in truth1 much of ,bacon's life was passed in a visionary world--amid things as strange as any that are described in the ,arabian ,tales444 amid buildings more sumptuous than the palace of ,aladdin1 fountains more wonderful than the golden water of ,parizade1 conveyances more rapid than the hippogryph of ,ruggiero1 arms more formidable than the lance of ,astolfo1 remedies more efficacious than the balsam of ,fierabras4 ,yet in his magnificent day-dreams there was nothing wild--nothing but what sober reason sanctioned4 ,bacon's greatest performance is the first book of the ,novum ,organum4444 ,every part of it blazes with wit1 but with wit which is employed only to illustrate and decorate truth4 ,no book ever made so great a revolution in the mode of thinking1 overthrew so may prejudices1 introduced so many new opinions4 ,but what we most admire is the vast capacity of that intellect which1 without effort1 takes in at once all the domains of science--all the past1 the present and the future1 all the errors of two thousand years1 all the encouraging signs of the passing times1 all the bright hopes of the coming age4 ,he had a wonderful talent for packing thought close and rendering it portable4 ,his eloquence would alone have entitled him to a high rank in literature4 ,it is evident that he had each and every one of the mental gifts and each and every one of the acquirements that are so prodigally displayed in the ,plays and ,poems1 and in much higher and richer degree than any other man of his time or of any previous time4 ,he was a genius without a mate1 a prodigy not matable4 ,there was only one of him2 the planet could not produce two of him at one birth1 nor in one age4 ,he could have written anything that is in the ,plays and ,poems4 ,he could have written this3 ,the cloud-cap'd towers1 the gorgeous palaces1 ,the solemn temples1 the great globe itself1 ,yea1 all which it inherit1 shall dissolve1 ,and1 like an insubstantial pageant faded1 ,leave not a rack behind4 ,we are such stuff ,as dreams are made on1 and our little life ,is rounded with a sleep4 ,also1 he could have written this1 but he refrained3 ,good friend for ,iesus sake forbeare ,to digg the dust encloased heare3 ,blest be ye man yt spares thes stones ,and curst be he yt moves my bones4 ,when a person reads the noble verses about the cloud-cap'd towers1 he ought not to follow it immediately with ,good friend for ,iesus sake forbeare1 because he will find the transition from great poetry to poor prose too violent for comfort4 ,it will give him a shock4 ,you never notice how commonplace and unpoetic gravel is until you bite into a layer of it in a pie4 ,,xi ,am ,i trying to convince anybody that ,shakespeare did not write ,shakespeare's ,works8 ,ah1 now1 what do you take me for8 ,would ,i be so soft as that1 after having known the human race familiarly for nearly seventy-four years8 ,it would grieve me to know that any one could think so injuriously of me1 so uncomplimentarily1 so unadmiringly of me4 ,no1 no1 ,i am aware that when even the brightest mind in our world has been trained up from childhood in a superstition of any kind1 it will never be possible for that mind1 in its maturity1 to examine sincerely1 dispassionately1 and conscientiously any evidence or any circumstance which shall seem to cast a doubt upon the validity of that superstition4 ,i doubt if ,i could do it myself4 ,we always get at second hand our notions about systems of government2 and high tariff and low tariff2 and prohibition and anti-prohibition2 and the holiness of peace and the glories of war2 and codes of honor and codes of morals2 and approval of the duel and disapproval of it2 and our beliefs concerning the nature of cats2 and our ideas as to whether the murder of helpless wild animals is base or is heroic2 and our preferences in the matter of religious and political parties2 and our acceptance or rejection of the ,shakespeares and the ,author ,ortons and the ,mrs4 ,eddys4 ,we get them all at second hand1 we reason none of them out for ourselves4 ,it is the way we are made4 ,it is the way we are all made1 and we can't help it1 we can't change it4 ,and whenever we have been furnished a fetish1 and have been taught to believe in it1 and love it and worship it1 and refrain from examining it1 there is no evidence1 howsoever clear and strong1 that can persuade us to withdraw from it our loyalty and our devotion4 ,in morals1 conduct1 and beliefs we take the color of our environment and associations1 and it is a color that can safely be warranted to wash4 ,whenever we have been furnished with a tar baby ostensibly stuffed with jewels1 and warned that it will be dishonorable and irreverent to disembowel it and test the jewels1 we keep our sacrilegious hands off it4 ,we submit1 not reluctantly1 but rather gladly1 for we are privately afraid we should find1 upon examination that the jewels are of the sort that are manufactured at ,north ,adams1 ,mass4 ,i haven't any idea that ,shakespeare will have to vacate his pedestal this side of the year #bbji4 ,disbelief in him cannot come swiftly1 disbelief in a healthy and deeply-loved tar baby has never been known to disintegrate swiftly2 it is a very slow process4 ,it took several thousand years to convince our fine race--including every splendid intellect in it--that there is no such thing as a witch2 it has taken several thousand years to convince the same fine race--including every splendid intellect in it--that there is no such person as ,satan2 it has taken several centuries to remove perdition from the ,protestant ,church's program of post-mortem entertainments2 it has taken a weary long time to persuade ,american ,presbyterians to give up infant damnation and try to bear it the best they can2 and it looks as if their ,scotch brethren will still be burning babies in the everlasting fires when ,shakespeare comes down from his perch4 ,we are ,the ,reasoning ,race4 ,we can't prove it by the above examples1 and we can't prove it by the miraculous 8histories0 built by those ,stratfordolaters out of a hatful of rags and a barrel of sawdust1 but there is a plenty of other things we can prove it by1 if ,i could think of them4 ,we are ,the ,reasoning ,race1 and when we find a vague file of chipmunk-tracks stringing through the dust of ,stratford village1 we know by our reasoning bowers that ,hercules has been along there4 ,i feel that our fetish is safe for three centuries yet4 ,the bust1 too--there in the ,stratford ,church4 ,the precious bust1 the priceless bust1 the calm bust1 the serene bust1 the emotionless bust1 with the dandy mustache1 and the putty face1 unseamed of care--that face which has looked passionlessly down upon the awed pilgrim for a hundred and fifty years and will still look down upon the awed pilgrim three hundred more1 with the deep1 deep1 deep1 subtle1 subtle1 subtle expression of a bladder4 ,,xii ,,irreverence ,one of the most trying defects which ,i find in these--these--what shall ,i call them8 for ,i will not apply injurious epithets to them1 the way they do to us1 such violations of courtesy being repugnant to my nature and my dignity4 ,the farthest ,i can go in that direction is to call them by names of limited reverence--names merely descriptive1 never unkind1 never offensive1 never tainted by harsh feeling4 ,if they would do like this1 they would feel better in their hearts4 ,very well1 then--to proceed4 ,one of the most trying defects which ,i find in these ,stratfordolaters1 these ,shakesperiods1 these thugs1 these bangalores1 these troglodytes1 these herumfrodites1 these blatherskites1 these buccaneers1 these bandoleers1 is their spirit of irreverence4 ,it is detectable in every utterance of theirs when they are talking about us4 ,i am thankful that in me there is nothing of that spirit4 ,when a thing is sacred to me it is impossible for me to be irreverent toward it4 ,i cannot call to mind a single instance where ,i have ever been irreverent1 except towards the things which were sacred to other people4 ,am ,i in the right8 ,i think so4 ,but ,i ask no one to take my unsupported word2 no1 look at the dictionary2 let the dictionary decide4 ,here is the definition3 ,irreverence4 ,the quality or condition of irreverence toward ,god and sacred things4 ,what does the ,hindu say8 ,he says it is correct4 ,he says irreverence is lack of respect for ,vishnu1 and ,brahma1 and ,chrishna1 and his other gods1 and for his sacred cattle1 and for his temples and the things within them4 ,he endorses the definition1 you see2 and there are #cjj1jjj1jjj ,hindus or their equivalents back of him4 ,the dictionary had the acute idea that by using the capital ,g it could restrict irreverence to lack of reverence for our ,deity and our sacred things1 but that ingenious and rather sly idea miscarried3 for by the simple process of spelling his deities with capitals the ,hindu confiscates the definition and restricts it to his own sects1 thus making it clearly compulsory upon us to revere his gods and his sacred things1 and nobody's else4 ,we can't say a word1 for he has our own dictionary at his back1 and its decision is final4 ,this law1 reduced to its simplest terms1 is this3 #a4 ,whatever is sacred to the ,christian must be held in reverence by everybody else2 #b4 whatever is sacred to the ,hindu must be held in reverence by everybody else2 #c4 therefore1 by consequence1 logically1 and indisputably1 whatever is sacred to me must be held in reverence by everybody else4 ,now then1 what aggravates me is that these troglodytes and muscovites and bandoleers and buccaneers are also trying to crowd in and share the benefit of the law1 and compel everybody to revere their ,shakespeare and hold him sacred4 ,we can't have that3 there's enough of us already4 ,if you go on widening and spreading and inflating the privilege1 it will presently come to be conceded that each man's sacred things are the only ones1 and the rest of the human race will have to be humbly reverent toward them or suffer for it4 ,that can surely happen1 and when it happens1 the word ,irreverence will be regarded as the most meaningless1 and foolish1 and self-conceited1 and insolent1 and impudent1 and dictatorial word in the language4 ,and people will say1 8,whose business is it what gods ,i worship and what things hold sacred8 ,who has the right to dictate to my conscience1 and where did he get that right80 ,we cannot afford to let that calamity come upon us4 ,we must save the word from this destruction4 ,there is but one way to do it1 and that is to stop the spread of the privilege and strictly confine it to its present limits--that is1 to all the ,christian sects1 to all the ,hindu sects1 and me4 ,we do not need any more1 the stock is watered enough1 just as it is4 ,it would be better if the privilege were limited to me alone4 ,i think so because ,i am the only sect that knows how to employ it gently1 kindly1 charitably1 dispassionately4 ,the other sects lack the quality of self-restraint4 ,the ,catholic ,church says the most irreverent things about matters which are sacred to the ,protestants1 and the ,protestant ,church retorts in kind about the confessional and other matters which ,catholics hold sacred2 then both of these irreverencers turn upon ,thomas ,paine and charge him with irreverence4 ,this is all unfortunate1 because it makes it difficult for students equipped with only a low grade of mentality to find out what ,irreverence really is4 ,it will surely be much better all around if the privilege of regulating the irreverent and keeping them in order shall eventually be withdrawn from all the sects but me4 ,then there will be no more quarreling1 no more bandying of disrespectful epithets1 no more heartburnings4 ,there will then be nothing sacred involved in this ,bacon-,shakespeare controversy except what is sacred to me4 ,that will simplify the whole matter1 and trouble will cease4 ,there will be irreverence no longer1 because ,i will not allow it4 ,the first time those criminals charge me with irreverence for calling their ,stratford myth an ,arthur-,orton-,mary-,baker-,thompson-,e ddy-,louis-the-,seventeenth-,veiled- ,prophet -of-,khorassan will be the last4 ,taught by the methods found effective in extinguishing earlier offenders by the ,inquisition1 of holy memory1 ,i shall know how to quiet them4 ,,xiii ,isn't it odd1 when you think of it1 that you may list all the celebrated ,englishmen1 ,irishmen1 and ,scotchmen of modern times1 clear back to the first ,tudors--a list containing five hundred names1 shall we say8--and you can go to the histories1 biographies1 and cyclopedias and learn the particulars of the lives of every one of them4 ,every one of them except one--the most famous1 the most renowned--by far the most illustrious of them all--,shakespeare6 ,you can get the details of the lives of all the celebrated ecclesiastics in the list2 all the celebrated tragedians1 comedians1 singers1 dancers1 orators1 judges1 lawyers1 poets1 dramatists1 historians1 biographers1 editors1 inventors1 reformers1 statesmen1 generals1 admirals1 discoverers1 prize-fighters1 murderers1 pirates1 conspirators1 horse-jockeys1 bunco-steerers1 misers1 swindlers1 explorers1 adventurers by land and sea1 bankers1 financiers1 astronomers1 naturalists1 claimants1 impostors1 chemists1 biologists1 geologists1 philologists1 college presidents and professors1 architects1 engineers1 painters1 sculptors1 politicians1 agitators1 rebels1 revolutionists1 patriots1 demagogues1 clowns1 cooks1 freaks1 philosophers1 burglars1 highwaymen1 journalists1 physicians1 surgeons--you can get the life-histories of all of them but one4 ,just one--the most extraordinary and the most celebrated of them all--,shakespeare6 ,you may add to the list the thousand celebrated persons furnished by the rest of ,christendom in the past four centuries1 and you can find out the life-histories of all those people1 too4 ,you will then have listed fifteen hundred celebrities1 and you can trace the authentic life-histories of the whole of them4 ,save one--far and away the most colossal prodigy of the entire accumulation--,shakespeare6 ,about him you can find out nothing4 ,nothing of even the slightest importance4 ,nothing worth the trouble of stowing away in your memory4 ,nothing that even remotely indicates that he was ever anything more than a distinctly commonplace person--a manager1 an actor of inferior grade1 a small trader in a small village that did not regard him as a person of any consequence1 and had forgotten all about him before he was fairly cold in his grave4 ,we can go to the records and find out the life-history of every renowned race-horse of modern times--but not ,shakespeare's6 ,there are many reasons why1 and they have been furnished in cart-loads 7of guess and conjecture7 by those troglodytes2 but there is one that is worth all the rest of the reasons put together1 and is abundantly sufficient all by itself--he hadn't any history to record4 ,there is no way of getting around that deadly fact4 ,and no sane way has yet been discovered of getting around its formidable significance4 ,its quite plain significance--to any but those thugs 7,i do not use the term unkindly7 is1 that ,shakespeare had no prominence while he lived1 and none until he had been dead two or three generations4 ,the ,plays enjoyed high fame from the beginning2 and if he wrote them it seems a pity the world did not find it out4 ,he ought to have explained that he was the author1 and not merely a nom de plume for another man to hide behind4 ,if he had been less intemperately solicitous about his bones1 and more solicitous about his ,works1 it would have been better for his good name1 and a kindness to us4 ,the bones were not important4 ,they will moulder away1 they will turn to dust1 but the ,works will endure until the last sun goes down4 ,,mark ,,twain4 ,p4,s4 ,march #be4 ,about two months ago ,i was illuminating this ,autobiography with some notions of mine concerning the ,bacon-,shakespeare controversy1 and ,i then took occasion to air the opinion that the ,stratford ,shakespeare was a person of no public consequence or celebrity during his lifetime1 but was utterly obscure and unimportant4 ,and not only in great ,london1 but also in the little village where he was born1 where he lived a quarter of a century1 and where he died and was buried4 ,i argued that if he had been a person of any note at all1 aged villagers would have had much to tell about him many and many a year after his death1 instead of being unable to furnish inquirers a single fact connected with him4 ,i believed1 and ,i still believe1 that if he had been famous1 his notoriety would have lasted as long as mine has lasted in my native village out in ,missouri4 ,it is a good argument1 a prodigiously strong one1 and most formidable one for even the most gifted and ingenious and plausible ,stratfordolator to get around or explain away4 ,today a ,hannibal ,courier-,post of recent date has reached me1 with an article in it which reinforces my contention that a really celebrated person cannot be forgotten in his village in the short space of sixty years4 ,i will make an extract from it3 ,hannibal1 as a city1 may have many sins to answer for1 but ingratitude is not one of them1 or reverence for the great men she has produced1 and as the years go by her greatest son1 ,mark ,twain1 or ,s4 ,l4 ,clemens as a few of the unlettered call him1 grows in the estimation and regard of the residents of the town he made famous and the town that made him famous4 ,his name is associated with every old building that is torn down to make way for the modern structures demanded by a rapidly growing city1 and with every hill or cave over or through which he might by any possibility have roamed1 while the many points of interest which he wove into his stories1 such as ,holiday ,hill1 ,jackson's ,island1 or ,mark ,twain ,cave1 are now monuments to his genius4 ,hannibal is glad of any opportunity to do him honor as he had honored her4 ,so it has happened that the 8old timers0 who went to school with ,mark or were with him on some of his usual escapades have been honored with large audiences whenever they were in a reminiscent mood and condescended to tell of their intimacy with the ordinary boy who came to be a very extraordinary humorist and whose every boyish act is now seen to have been indicative of what was to come4 ,like ,aunt ,becky and ,mrs4 ,clemens1 they can now see that ,mark was hardly appreciated when he lived here and that the things he did as a boy and was whipped for doing were not all bad1 after all4 ,so they have been in no hesitancy about drawing out the bad things he did as well as the good in their efforts to get a 8,mark ,twain0 story1 all incidents being viewed in the light of his present fame1 until the volume of 8,twainiana0 is already considerable and growing in proportion as the 8old timers0 drop away and the stories are retold second and third hand by their descendants4 ,with some seventy-three years young and living in a villa instead of a house1 he is a fair target1 and let him incorporate1 copyright1 or patent himself as he will1 there are some of his 8works0 that will go swooping up ,hannibal chimneys as long as graybeards gather about the fires and begin with1 8,i've heard father tell10 or possibly1 8,once when ,i40 ,the ,mrs4 ,clemens referred to is my mother--was my mother4 ,and here is another extract from a ,hannibal paper1 of date twenty days ago3 ,miss ,becca ,blankenship died at the home of ,william ,dickason1 #djh ,rock ,street1 at #b4cj o'clock yesterday afternoon1 aged #gb years4 ,the deceased was a sister of 8,huckleberry ,finn10 one of the famous characters in ,mark ,twain's ,tom ,sawyer4 ,she had been a member of the ,dickason family--the housekeeper-- for nearly forty-five years1 and was a highly respected lady4 ,for the past eight years she had been an invalid1 but was as well cared for by ,mr4 ,dickason and his family as if she had been a near relative4 ,she was a member of the ,park ,methodist ,church and a ,christian woman4 ,i remember her well4 ,i have a picture of her in my mind which was graven there1 clear and sharp and vivid1 sixty-three years ago4 ,she was at that time nine years old1 and ,i was about eleven4 ,i remember where she stood1 and how she looked2 and ,i can still see her bare feet1 her bare head1 her brown face1 and her short tow-linen frock4 ,she was crying4 ,what it was about ,i have long ago forgotten4 ,but it was the tears that preserved the picture for me1 no doubt4 ,she was a good child1 ,i can say that for her4 ,she knew me nearly seventy years ago4 ,did she forget me1 in the course of time8 ,i think not4 ,if she had lived in ,stratford in ,shakespeare's time1 would she have forgotten him8 ,yes4 ,for he was never famous during his lifetime1 he was utterly obscure in ,stratford1 and there wouldn't be any occasion to remember him after he had been dead a week4 8,injun ,joe10 8,jimmy ,finn10 and 8,general ,gaines0 were prominent and very intemperate ne'er-do-weels in ,hannibal two generations ago4 ,plenty of grayheads there remember them to this day1 and can tell you about them4 ,isn't it curious that two 8town drunkards0 and one half-breed loafer should leave behind them1 in a remote ,missourian village1 a fame a hundred times greater and several hundred times more particularized in the matter of definite facts than ,shakespeare left behind him in the village where he had lived the half of his lifetime8 ,,mark ,,twain4 ,,the ,,end