,transcriber's ,note ,italic text displayed as3 italic ,illustration3 ,vide p4 #ba4 ,,caught ,,napping4 ,third ,edition4 ,,london3 ,g4 ,j4 ,,palmer1 #cb1 ,,little ,,queen ,,street1 ,,lincoln',s ,,inn ,,fields4 #ahff4 ,table of ,contents ,chapter ,i4 #c ,chapter ,,ii4 #ae ,chapter ,,iii4 #bc ,,caught ,,napping4 ,,chapter ,i4 ,,how ,i ,,found ,,myself ,,in ,,the ,,catacombs4 ,i am an ,anglican of the ,anglicans1 ,i mean that ,i am a ,perfect ,man1 with four angles impinging upon my neighbours and producing among them many a sore4 ,whithersoever ,i go1 into whatsoever society1 ,i take my angles with me4 ,they do much damage1 but they establish the principle of ,anglicanism4 ,my object in writing these lines is to announce a very remarkable phenomenon which occurred the other day1 and which may prove of interest to the ,psychologist4 ,i was sitting in my study before the fire reading the ,guardian1 which is the #djth article of my creed1 with my feet upon the mantle-piece1 and my spectacles upon my nose4 ,whilst perusing with the utmost profit and gratification the letters of ,messrs4 ,marriott and ,milton on the ,ritual question1 an indescribable obfuscation stole over my faculties4 ,my chin1 which1 on principle1 ,i keep well elevated1 sank upon my bosom1 which is boney4 ,my eyes began to close1 an olean note issued at intervals from my nostrils4 ,the ,guardian slipped from my fingers1 and to my obscured fancy appeared to slide away into utter vacuity4 ,the ranges of books upon my shelves seemed to undergo changes4 ,the library of ,anglo-,catholic theology began to dance1 whilst the library of the ,fathers retired into vacuum--but not the same vacuum into which the ,guardian had slipped1 one totally distinct4 ,these facts will prove my abnormal condition4 ,what ,anglican1 waking or dreaming would picture ,sancroft and ,andrews1 ,bull and ,cosin1 capering in a reel8 ,i record my impressions circumstantially1 as they led to a very extraordinary phase in my existence1 for which ,i am totally unable to account4 ,that ,i dreamt what follows is simply impossible2 the phenomena of dreams depend entirely upon the existence of imaginative faculties1 but these are entirely deficient in ,anglican skulls4 ,what ,i relate must therefore be regarded as fact2 ,i am unable to account for the fact1 but it is not required of man to understand or to intellectually grasp1 in order to believe1 certain facts which come to him on high authority4 ,the human mind is finite1 c4444 7,a long passage follows apparently extracted from a sermon on the limits of reason1 and its relation to faith1 preached by our correspondent before a rustic congregation4 ,we omit the passage as of interest only to the composer of the sermon47 ,suffice it to say1 that somehow1 in an inappreciable moment of time ,i lost the thread of time1 and only caught it again after the lapse of ages4 ,how this was effected is to me inexplicable1 ,i can only illustrate it by the analogy of a man ascending a slippery height and sliding back from the summit1 to check himself in his rearward career by catching a shrub near the bottom4 ,space and time are related1 our appreciations of each are parallel4 ,i checked myself with a jerk after the lapse of a thousand and odd years in the midst of the times of persecution4 ,i hate persecution4 ,i found myself deposited1 with all my ,anglican principles and prejudices1 in the city of ,rome4 ,i should have preferred ,jericho4 ,suddenly ,i discovered myself standing candle in hand in the gloom of a ,catacomb4 ,the ventilation of the catacombs is most imperfect1 and the close proximity of the dead to the living must be prejudicial to health1 it should be made a matter of investigation by the sanitary commissioners4 ,i traverse the passages with a feeling like lead upon my heart4 ,this is caused by the consciousness that ,i am in an age of persecution4 ,i by no means appreciate a condition in which ,church and ,state do not work in harmony4 ,if ,i could have left my mucous membrane in the nineteenth century ,i should not have minded2 but a sense of discord between ,church and ,state always agitates my nerves1 which react upon the mucous membrane1 and that extends over the whole body4 ,on my walk ,i read the epitaphs inscribed on the monumental slabs4 ,the spelling on some was shameful4 ,the schools must be in a shocking state1 or no such orthographic blunders would be tolerated1 as 8,,pollecta ,,que ,,ordev ,,bendet ,,de ,,bianoba40 ,some supervision should be exercised over the day schools4 ,n4,b4 ,speak to authorities about certificated masters4 ,recommend ,battersea4 ,i suddenly drew up before one slab and the colour rose to my cheek in righteous indignation4 ,on it was inscribed1 after the name of the defunct1 8mayest thou rest in peace1 and pray for us40 ,i ask any candid reader whether an ,anglican could contemplate such an inscription with equanimity6 ,here was actually in an early age of the ,church1 a prayer for1 and an invocation of1 a departed soul4 ,this was beyond endurance1 ,i should have at once written to the ,bishop about it1 but that ,i was aware ,i should obtain no redress1 the practice of prayers for the dead being as old as ,christianity4 ,i felt1 moreover1 true insular objection to having any communications whatsoever with such an individual as the ,bishop of ,rome4 ,i therefore rambled about the catacombs in search of chisel and hammer1 and having found these implements1 ,i proceeded to deface the inscription4 ,how many happy hours ,i could have spent in reducing the teaching of the catacombs to a closer accordance with the doctrines of our admirable ,liturgy1 by scraping off paintings and altering inscriptions6 ,but ,i was afraid of detection4 ,on turning an angle ,i came upon one of the subterranean chapels or churches4 ,a congregation was assembled1 and to my bewilderment1 ,i ascertained that my presence was expected as priest4 ,i tried to avoid this awkward situation2 ,i objected to compromising myself1 and it was only on mature consideration1 and on reflecting that there was no one present who could convey information to any of my parishioners1 that ,i yielded4 ,a young man1 a deacon in what the ,ritualists call a dalmatic1 proceeded to vest me4 ,some people think it a duty to do at ,rome as the ,romans do4 ,i object to such want of principle1 and if ,i acquiesced on this occasion1 it was under protest4 ,if ,i go to ,rome or ,thibet1 ,i shall follow the custom ,i have instituted at ,grubbington-in-the-,clay1 ,north ,devon1 diocese ,exon4 ,grubbington-in-the-,clay6 sweet spot where ,i always preach in a surplice and black stole4 ,grubbington-in-the-,clay6 a little heaven here below1#a where ,i read the ,church ,militant every ,sunday4 ,grubbington-in-the-,clay6 where ,i have preached the doctrine of ,baptismal ,regeneration for fifteen years4 ,grubbington-in-the-,clay6 thee no ,ritualistic novelties excite1 no approximations to ,roman ceremonial agitate6 ,but ,i am becoming poetical4--,i have a wife and fourteen children 7the last in arms7 at ,grubbington1 from whom ,i am severed by a chasm of #a1fjj years4 ,however1 here ,i am in the subterranean church of the catacombs1 being vested for ,ma---- ,i mean for the ,communion4 ,i expend a considerable amount of time and much breath in protesting against these vestments4 ,i object to an alb with tight sleeves and to a chasuble1--a chasuble6 horror6--7,n4,b4 ,since my return to this century1 my hair has become grey47 ,at ,grubbington-in-the-,clay ,i wear a surplice with large sleeves like elephant's ears1 and an erect collar4 ,o1 for my surplice1 my surplice6 ,alas6 though ,i have relapsed through many centuries1 that chaste article of ecclesiastical vesture looms in the remote future4 ,i can go to it1 but it cannot come to me4 ,i point out to the deacon a painting upon the wall representing a man in white with two black stripes descending from his neck1 a painting with which ,mr4 ,marriott's letter to the ,guardian had made me familiar1 and ,i explain to the deacon that my soul lusts after a similar garb4 ,he assures me that the picture represents an old woman1 and not a priest4 ,i then plead for at least a black stole without crosses1 but am informed that the ,church of ,primitive times knows nothing of these ribands1 so that ,i have to yield my body to be invested in the sacerdotal stole of the period1 and ,i am forced into a magnificent chasuble of oriental cloth of gold1 the offering of a wealthy ,christian in ,csar's household4 ,but my griefs are not yet over4 ,the ,communion ,table is not a table at all4 ,it has ,,no ,,legs1 but is a martyr's tomb called an arcosolium1 under a recess in the wall1 the face of the 8altar0 being flush with the side walls1 so that every possibility of turning the corner is precluded4 ,now1 if there is a position in life which to an ,anglican is bliss1 it is to be like ,chevy ,slime1 of ,martin ,chuzzlewit notoriety1 8always round the corner1 ,sir60 ,there is a craving in his inmost soul for the ,north ,end1 and as the needle points to the pole1 so does the heart of the ,anglican turn instinctively to that end of the table4 ,clap him down where you will1 he sidles up by virtue of an internal guiding law to the ,north ,side1 and his soul only recovers its balance1 and is in joy and peace1 when he has safely doubled the corner4 ,but here ,i was walled off from it4 ,now1 to be vested in chasuble was bad enough1 but to be debarred from turning the corner was beyond endurance2 the last straw will break a camel's back1 and on seeing this impediment in my way ,i became stubborn4 ,i might have borne the chasuble1 as ,i could have smudged through the service at the ,north ,end according to the use of the ,church at ,grubbington--a use incomparably superior to those of ,sarum1 and ,york1 and ,hereford2 but the two items together of vestment and a turning of my back to the people were too much for me4 ,i lay down and kicked4 ,at this moment there was a stir1 and a foreign ecclesiastic entered4 ,i now ascertained that the deacon and the congregation had been actuated by a mistake in endeavouring to make me celebrate4 ,a ,scythian priest was expected1 and seeing me stroll into the subterranean chapel about the time1 and perceiving that ,i was an utter stranger1 they had pounced upon me4 ,i was now set at liberty1 and1 though ,i strongly disapproved of non-communicating attendance1 ,i assisted at the celebration of the ,divine ,mysteries4 ,on account of the subterranean nature of the place1 there was1 ,i suppose1 a necessity for the candles which the assistant ministers bore1 and for the lighted lamps upon the altar4 ,i tried to persuade myself also that the incense was used on account of the stuffiness of the atmosphere1 through the imperfect ventilation of the catacomb1 and the numerous interments which took place there4 ,i afterwards explained to the deacon1 that chloride of lime would prove more effectual1 and that ,burnett's disinfecting fluid was highly recommended1 and that the use of either of these would obviate the necessity of using thurible and incense-boat1 thereby removing prejudice and cutting off occasion of superstition4 ,the young man was totally unacquainted with ,burnett1 which is not to be wondered at1 as that individual will not spring into existence for one thousand and six hundred and odd years4 7,i am afraid there is here an unavoidable confusion in times and tenses1 necessitated by my peculiar circumstances47 ,the deacon assured me solemnly that the ,church had ordered the use of incense1 not as a disinfectant but as an offering of adoration1 and that the rule of the ,universal ,church was enough for him1--which was impertinent of the young man4 7,n4,b4 ,curates are evidently alike in all ages47 ,his name ,i ascertain was ,laurence4 ,he was afterwards a martyr4 ,my church at ,grubbington is dedicated to him4 ,it is to me a matter of unceasing yet unavailing regret that ,dr4 ,harold ,browne was not an ,iso-apostolic father1 so that the ,primitive ,church might have had the benefit of perusing his work on the ,thirty-nine ,articles1 the standard of nineteenth century ,anglicanism4 ,if this work had been then adopted as a text book of theology1 what a revolution in ideas would have been produced1 and ,i confidently believe that the number of martyrs would have been materially diminished4 ,how full of novelty and of gratification it would have proved to the apostle of the ,gentiles to ascertain that his words were capable of being twisted to establish ,anglican theories1 and ,o6 glorious thought6 the whole system of worship of the ,early ,church1 instead of being modelled on the pattern of things in the ,heavens1 might have been brought to resemble the sublime simplicity of ,morning and ,evening ,prayer at1 for instance1 ,grubbington-in-the-,clay4 ,probably1 moreover1 the liturgies of ,s4 ,peter1 ,s4 ,james1 and ,s4 ,mark1 would have been materially modified in their expressions1 and curtailed of much superfluous ceremony4 ,yet more1 am ,i presumptuous in suggesting that the performance of the celestial liturgy as viewed by ,s4 ,john1 would have exhibited a less sacrificial and ceremonial character1 and have been invested with the solemn simplicity and absence of sensational attractiveness which pervades ,english ,cathedral worship8 ,thus musing1 it flashed across my memory that ,i had a packet of the publications of the ,anglo-,continental ,society in my pocket before my relapse4 ,i thought that the distribution of these works might prove of incalculable advantage to the ,early ,church4 ,i felt for them in my breast pocket but missed them4 ,it will always be a difficult matter to transfer publications 7however valuable7 back over a thousand years from the date of their issue1 still the attempt might be made1 and ,i strongly urge upon the ,society to confine and concentrate its efforts for the future1 on an attempt to convert the ,primitive ages to the principles of the ,english ,reformation4 ,the practice of the ,early ,church in using unleavened bread and the mixed chalice1 in elevating the ,host and in reserving the ,blessed ,sacrament1 cannot be too severely deprecated1 whilst to a modern1 the ancient offices present a mighty void which an extensive introduction of 8,dearly ,beloveds0 alone could fill4 ,,footnotes3 #a ,minus the lights and incense mentioned in ,revelation4 ,,chapter ,,ii4 ,,my ,,walk ,,with ,,the ,,blessed ,,laurence4 ,at the conclusion of the service1 which to me savoured too strongly of ritualistic tendencies to be satisfactory1 ,i entered into a long conversation with some of the ,christians present4 ,i explained to them that ,i was a priest from ,britain1 but they were1 ,i found1 very ignorant of the institutions of that favoured isle4 ,indeed1 they regard me--me1 the incumbent of ,grubbington-in-the-,clay1 and one who has been nominated for a ,proctorship in ,convocation--me they regard as a ,barbarian4 ,i can afford to overlook such opinion founded in ignorance1 conscious as ,i am of my superior acquaintance with the laws of natural phenomena1 with the adaptations of science to the social advantage of mankind1 and above all1 with the eternal principles of the ,english ,reformation4 ,eager to impart true knowledge to these ,roman ,christians1 ,i narrated to them the history of the ,established ,church4 ,i regret that my success was not equal to my zeal2 this was partly owing to my accent1 which had been acquired in ,english grammar schools1 and which was somewhat remote from the pronunciation of ,latin in ,rome #a1fjj years ago4 ,besides ,i had to narrate the history backwards from ,queen ,victoria's reign to that of ,henry ,,viii41 then to sketch very briefly the history of pre-,reformation ,christianity1 dwelling chiefly on corruptions1 till ,i reached the century in which ,i then was4 ,the vacant expression on the countenances of my hearers struck me as resembling that which ,i invariably notice in my parishioners when ,i am preaching at ,grubbington4 ,presently1 however1 a look of intelligence kindled up one or two faces1 and a whisper passed from one to another relating to me1 the subject of which ,i could not then conjecture4 ,the eyes of the faithful now beamed on me with looks of compassion and tenderness1 and ,i could hear sympathizing sighs and expressions1 such as 8,poor fellow60 8,he looks cold60 8,released at last60 ,anxious to escape this attention ,i turned to go4 ,the deacon ,laurence1 who was a gentleman1 though strongly imbued with the superstition of his times1 offered very courteously to conduct me from the catacombs to my place of residence4 ,i accepted his offer with profound gratitude1 as ,i had not the remotest conception of where ,i was to reside4 ,we traversed the passages for the most part in silence1 occasionally ,i broke it by exclamations of dissatisfaction as inscriptions of questionable orthodoxy met my eyes4 ,we did not converse much together till we emerged into the light of day1 when ,i asked where ,i was to be lodged4 ,the deacon replied that the venerable ,pope ,sextus usually transferred penitents from their own houses to the mansion of ,donatella1 where they could enter into retreat before the expiation of their sentence4 8,eh60 ,i exclaimed1 opening my eyes very wide4 8,after your long penitence1 the ,holy ,father will doubtless at once remove the sentence and restore you to the communion of the ,faithful40 8,eh60 ,i gasped again in sad bewilderment4 8,it must have been very cold up there10 mused the blessed ,laurence3 then after a pause he asked suddenly1 8,where is the dog80 8,what dog80 ,i enquired2 and then aside1 8,can he have heard anything of ,ponto1 my ,newfoundland8 ,impossible60 8,why1 the dog who has been with you so many ages40 ,i could only stare4 8,the dumb witness of your crime40 8,witness of my crime60 ,i echoed1 with an inward hysterical feeling as though ,i wanted to laugh wildly4 8,yes1 of gathering sticks on the ,sabbath40 8,sticks--,sabbath60 echoed ,i3 8,why1 who do you take me for80 8,the man in the moon1 of course10 replied the blessed ,laurence demurely3 8,i need hardly say that your accent1 your manner of talking1 and your eccentricities have convinced me and other ,christians that you can be no other than that celebrated individual1 whose release has at length been effected by the prayers of the faithful1 and who has come now to ,rome to obtain absolution at the hands of the ,bishop40 8,i see10 said ,i1 8,i have not made myself sufficiently intelligible10 and ,i then proceeded to explain who and what ,i was1 and where ,grubbington-in-the-,clay was situated4 ,after a great deal of talking ,i succeeded in making all clear1 and the deacon then manifested great interest in the state of the ,church in the remote province of ,britain4 ,he was anxious to know to what extent the persecutions raged there4 ,i explained that it had greatly abated1--the only instance ,i could recall was a circumstance attributable rather to mischievousness than to malice--it was as follows3--,betsy ,jane1 that is my wife1 has a favourite donkey on which she occasionally perambulates the parish1 carrying the baby with her4 ,a bad miller's boy one day shortly before my lapse1 put a bunch of sting-nettles under the brute's tail4 ,neddy kicked frantically1 as might have been expected1 and precipitated ,betsy ,jane and the baby over his head4 ,providentially neither were hurt1 though ,jane's gown was so torn as to necessitate the purchase of a new one4 ,laurence then enquired whether the ,christians were able to assemble for the celebration of the ,divine ,mysteries in sacred buildings without interference4 ,i said in reply that no impediment was placed in the way of the public recital of 8,dearly ,beloved10 or the attendance of the faithful on the administration of their clergy4 ,his enquiries were next directed to the subject of the clergy4 8,were the priests holy and blameless in life80 8,capital fellows1 never better60 then after a pause1 8,a little hot-headed and rash perhaps1 here and there10 alluding mentally to the advanced ritualists4 8,given to hospitality80 8,very much so1 no end of croquet parties in the summer40 8,devoted to fasting80 8,well1 ahem6 not much2 but the fact of the climate of ,england must be taken into consideration1 and the delicacy of digestion prevalent among the clergy40 8,eminent in good works80 8,very much so1 very1--there's ,betsy ,jane 7my wife7 who is indefatigable in visiting the poor and in attending the schools40 8,how many ,bishops are there in ,britain80 8,twenty-eight1 besides a few stragglers from the colonies come home to beg1 or who have relinquished their sees to take ,simeonite-trust livings40 8,you seemed not to understand the sacerdotal vestments10 said ,laurence1 8have you no distinguishing marks of a priest in your remote land80 8,distinguishing marks4 ,oh1 of course60 8,what may they be80 he asked4 8,why1 let me see--collars40 8,yes40 8,whiskers40 8,yes40 8,well1 and then the regular sacerdotal apparel of bands1 and cassock1 and surplice1 and stole1 and hood1 and all that sort of thing40 8,and the ,bishops80 8,ah60 ,i exclaimed1 8,you should see an ,anglican ,bishop in full vestments6 ,that is a sight not to be forgotten4 ,i regard the ,anglican episcopal costume to be the neatest thing out in ecclesiastical vesture4 ,the view of a ,bishop from behind is quite overwhelming4 ,stay6 a bit of chalk1 and a stick of charcoal--,i will sketch him for you on this wall60 ,fired with enthusiasm1 ,i proceeded to delineate to the best of my abilities a member of the episcopal bench as viewed from the rear4 ,not being a good draughtsman my sketch was not artistically perfect1 ,i was unable to foreshorten the feet1 and ,i made the lawn sleeves look rather like balloons4 ,suddenly a pair of hands were placed upon my shoulders and ,i was roughly swung round4 ,i found myself surrounded by a patrol of soldiers4 8,carry him off10 said the leader of the guard1 8he is a ,christian necromancer2 we have caught him in the act of drawing a magpie on the wall of ,csar's palace--a bird of ill omen--to bring ruin by his magical arts1 on the house of the ,augustus40 8,it is an ,anglican prelate10 said ,i1 quaking4 8,it's uncommonly like a magpie10 replied the soldier3 8march him off to the prefect40 ,laurence1 as he brushed by me1 said aside1 8,oh1 my father6 a bottle of your blood shall be sent to your faithful flock at1 ,what's the name of the place80 8,bother60 growled ,i4 ,as we turned a corner of the street1 the roaring of the lions in the distant ,flavian amphitheatre was borne down on my ear4 ,a passing ,christian exclaimed3 8,the trumpet notes which sound to victory60 ,oh1 ,betsy ,jane1 ,betsy ,jane6 ,and the dear children6 ,and the baby6 ,what on earth shall ,i do8 ,,chapter ,,iii4 ,,how ,i ,,stood ,,before ,,the ,,prefect4 ,i have never succeeded in adequately describing to ,betsy ,jane my feelings under escort to bonds and imprisonment1 and perhaps worse2 and if ,i failed in making the wife of my bosom appreciate the horrible anxiety under which ,i laboured during that walk1 ,i must necessarily fail with the public4 ,not of course that ,i was alarmed on my own account1 but ,i felt for my wife and family1 and ,i was all of a tremble for ,grubbington parish4 ,mrs4 ,starch1 ,i mean ,betsy ,jane1 has1 since my return to the #aith century1 insisted on my insuring my life4 ,perhaps had ,i been at the period of my lapse well insured1 ,i could have faced the tribunal with greater equanimity4 ,i put it plainly to myself1--here ,i am about to be judged1 and perhaps sentenced to suffer excruciating agonies1 in behalf of a ,christianity which is not at all of my sort1 or according to my liking4 ,i am to be1 possibly1 gutted alive1 or impaled1 or fried like a herring1 or flayed1 and rubbed over with pepper and salt1--my nerves being unusually sensitive--all because ,i am supposed to be a member of a religious community which prays for the dead1 uses superstitious ceremonial in the celebration of sacraments1 and does not know anything of the principles of the ,reformation6 ,am ,i prepared to undergo frightful tortures in witness to a faith which tolerates incense1 lights1 and vestments6 ,am ,i to relinquish for ever the prospects of croquet1 archery1 and other like clerical diversions1 by submitting to the rack on behalf of a lot of ,christians whose allegiance to the ,state is more than questionable8 ,suppose ,i am gutted1 or impaled1 or thrown to lions1 or roasted on a gridiron1 or burned in a tar barrel1 what then8 ,my bones or ashes will be collected1 and 8deposited in peace0 in some vault of the catacombs2 ,i shall be a saint1 not the ,rev4 ,edward ,starch1 but ,s4 ,edward1 ,p4 and ,m4 ,my remains will be venerated by ignorant crowds of devotees4 ,to these legs of mine will be given idolatrous worship1 and a future ,pope will1 probably1 send the severed joints of my backbone to be enshrined in gold in various ,roman ,catholic ,churches in ,christendom4 ,my collar-bone may be encrusted in jewels at ,toledo1 my ganglions in ,cracow4 ,my little toes may be borne about by coped ecclesiastics in ,austrian processions1 and the exposition of my big toes may be the means of preventing a plague in ,algiers4 ,now ,i may fairly ask myself am ,i justified in thus affording additional opportunities for the extension of superstition8 ,if ,i could be quite certain that my relics would be disposed of in an ,anglican manner1 say1 sent to the ,british ,museum1 why then the case would be altered4 ,or again1 if ,i could be tried upon the principles of the ,anglican ,liturgy and the ,thirty-nine ,articles1 cheerfully would ,i die1 but for a religion which must be abhorrent to all readers of the ,times1 or the ,pall ,mall1 or the ,guardian1 in as much as it closely resembles that of the #aith century ritualistic school3-- ,,never6 ,in arriving at this conclusion ,i suppose ,i lagged a bit1 for one of my escort with his lance from behind progged me in a fleshy part1 to make me walk a little quicker4 ,i threatened him with law1 but he laughed4 ,laughed at being threatened with law6 ,in what a benighted condition ,rome must be4 ,we reached the court1 and ,i was at once brought before the prefect1 who happened to be then sitting4 ,he had just disposed of a ,roman ,christian or two4 ,one he had ordered to be smeared with honey and exposed to wasps and bees2 another he had condemned to be hamstrung1 a third to be hugged to death by a bear4 ,an ugly prospect for my poor self--not that ,i considered self one moment1 but ,i did feel keenly for my poor wife1 whose feelings would be harrowed should she read the acts of my martyrdom in ,ruinart4 8,sirrah60 exclaimed the prefect1 darting at me a malignant glance4 8,who are you8 ,another ,christian dog1 eh80 ,i pulled up my shirt collar1 and after a premonitory cough1 replied with dignity and composure1 8,illustrious ,sir1 allow me briefly and lucidly to explain to you the peculiar circumstances which have brought me into this predicament40 8,are you a ,roman80 asked the judge in a surly manner4 8,no1 my ,lord1 ,i am an ,englishman1 parson of ,grubbington-in-the-,clay40 8,humph6 ,i suppose you are a ,christian40 8,christian is a broad term10 ,i replied1 8and may mean anything4 ,a ,protestant and consistent ,anglican ,i am1 but ,i utterly repudiate all connexion with the ,roman ,church which ,i stoutly maintain1 in the language of our incomparable ,thirty-nine ,articles1 to have erred1 not only in their living and manner of ceremonies1 but also in matters of faith4 ,i regard too1 the ,romish doctrine concerning purgatory1 pardons1 worshipping and adoration of images1 as of reliques1 and also invocation of saints1 to be a fond thing vainly invented1 and grounded upon no warranty of ,scripture1 but rather repugnant to the word of ,god4 ,i do most stoutly maintain this1 and show me the member of this ,church who can stand against me in argument40 ,the prefect looked at me with a puzzled air1 and then asked what ,i did believe4 8,i believe that ,bishops1 priests1 and deacons1 are not commanded either to vow the estate of single life1 or to abstain from marriage3 and therefore that it is lawful for them1 as for all other men1 to marry at their own discretion4 ,i may add1 that my wife entirely agrees with me on this point40 ,the prefect uttered an insulting remark with regard to my intellectual capabilities4 8,are you a ,christian80 he asked4 ,i allowed that ,i was1 8but0----4 ,he cut me short as ,i was about to qualify the remark on the apostolic principle of being all things to all men1 and not causing my brother to offend1 and asked whether ,i would swear by the genius of the ,emperor4 8,by all means10 ,i replied1 8the powers that be--you know the rest2 well1 in ,grubbington ,i have got a lion and unicorn over the chancel arch4 ,i have the utmost reverence for secular authority1 and the blindest devotion to the ,crown40 8,have you any of the sacred writings in your possession80 ,i felt in my numerous pockets2 ,i had failed before in my endeavour to discover a certain publication of the ,anglo-,continental ,society1 in my breast pocket1 ,i now explored one of the receptacles in the tail of my coat4 ,yes6 ,i came on a packet of the tracts of that society1 in ,latin4 ,i handed them at once to the prefect1 who ordered his secretary to take them4 8,and10 continued he1 addressing the executioner1 8look out your apparatus of torture1 ,maximus4 ,here is a man who seems to be neither fish1 nor flesh1 nor fowl3 he should have some special cooking40 8,my ,lord1 shall ,i roast him80 8,no1 good ,maximus1 roasting is out of fashion40 8,shall ,i boil him80 8,that is common-place40 8,fry him1 my ,lord80 8,no1 let us have some novelty2 monotony is tedious40 8,the little horse1 the red hot pincers1 the thumb screws1 the leaded whips1 are all stale10 mused the executioner1 biting his thumb-nails and looking dumped4 ,presently1 however1 a ray of light illumined his face3 8,my ,lord60 he said1 looking up cheerfully1 8it is an ancient tradition in the family of my mother1 who came from a remote island of the northern seas1 called ,hibernia1 that two cats were once shut up in a chamber at ,kilkenna1 and they fought and fought till they had eaten each other all but the tails4 ,my ,lord1 the prisoner seems to regard the ,roman ,christians with an antipathy similar to that recorded of the ,kilkennan cats1 and this antipathy ,i presume is reciprocated4 ,will it please your worship to order the confinement1 in an iron cage1 of the deacon ,laurence with this ,britannic mongrel ,christian4 ,i confidently anticipate great entertainment to your ,lordship1 and ,i am satisfied that if you will condescend to inspect the cage to-morrow morning1 nothing of the several parties will be discovered except the os sacrum of each1 which your ,lordship is well aware1 takes that place in man which1 in the inferior order of mammals1 is occupied by the tail40 8,capital60 exclaimed the judge1 8and whilst ,maximus is looking up the cage1 and whilst the soldiers go in search of the deacon ,laurence1 ,servius1 do you read the pernicious writings which the prisoner has delivered over to us1 and which the ,christians regard with reverence40 ,the secretary began to read2 my eyes wandered about the court1 lighting on this and then on that instrument of torture4 ,i saw a fire of charcoal with pincers in it quite red hot1 and my flesh quivered4 ,i saw a press under which ,christians were sometimes flattened like pancakes4 ,i saw barbed hooks for inserting into the muscles1 wooden saws discoloured with blood1 which had cut men in two4 ,indeed1 ,i saw more than ,i dare describe4 ,when ,i attempted to go into the details of what ,i beheld to my wife1 she said 8,now1 don't dear10 and ,i will refrain from doing so here1 relying upon her superior judgment4 ,whilst ,i was examining all these horrible implements1 the scribe read on in a monotonous voice the stirring words of one of the most pugnacious of the ,anglo-,continental tracts4 ,i now turned my gaze upon the audience1 who had taken a cruel interest in the scenes of the court1 and who were quite prepared to witness with relish the anticipated fight between ,laurence and myself4 ,my eyes lingered first on one and then on another4 ,i soon observed their eyelids drooping1 and a blank expression stealing over their faces4 ,still the scribe ,servius read the bold statement of ,anglican principles4 ,in the corner ,i observed the bear which had hugged one ,christian to death that morning1 chained to a post4 ,during the greater part of my trial1 the brute had extended its arms in an endearing manner towards myself1 and had been wagging its stump of a tail in the anticipation of giving me a warm embrace4 ,the bear now coiled itself up on the floor1 and went fast asleep4 ,i now looked at the prefect4 ,his eyes were closed4 ,evidently the publication of the ,anglo-,continental ,society had made a profound impression upon him4 ,yes6 but of a kind ,i had not anticipated4 ,he1 too1 was asleep4 ,i heard him snore4 ,the scribe's voice began to falter1 the sentences became broken4 ,he went to sleep also4 ,i glanced round the court4 ,every one was enjoying the repose which is brought on upon so many by a dose of laudanum1 or a perusal of the leading articles of the ,guardian4 ,i seized the opportunity and stepped lightly out of the court4 ,the guards at the door were vigorously trumpeting through their noses2 on them too had the ,anglo-,continental tract produced this happy effect4 ,in another moment ,i was in the street--,i was free3 ,i gave a whoop of exultation1 and-- ,,woke ,,up ,,in ,,my ,,study4 ,transcriber's ,notes ,created ,table of ,contents pg #ac ,changed am ,i presumptuous is to3 in pg #bj ,added the word who after3 there's ,betsy ,jane 7my wife7 pg #ba ,added comma after3 said aside pg #bd ,changed period after3 is more than questionable to3 a question mark pg #bi ,changed an antipathy similiar to3 similar pg #bi ,removed repeated word3 in the the inferior