,,the ,,works ,,of ,,lucian ,,of ,,samosata ,complete with exceptions specified in the preface ,,translated ,,by ,h4 ,w4 ,,fowler ,,and ,f4 ,g4 ,,fowler ,,volume ,,iii ,,of ,,four ,,volumes ,what work nobler than transplanting foreign thought into the barren domestic soil8 except indeed planting thought of your own1 which the fewest are privileged to do4--,sartor ,resartus4 ,at each flaw1 be this your first thought3 the author doubtless said something quite different1 and much more to the point4 ,and then you may hiss me off1 if you will4--,,lucian1 ,nigrinus1 #i4 7,,lucian7 ,the last great master of ,attic eloquence and ,attic wit4-- ,lord ,macaulay4 ,,contents ,,of ,,vol4 ,,iii ,,life ,,of ,,demonax ,a ,,portrait-,,study ,,defence ,,of ,,the #8,,portrait-,,study' ,,toxaris3 ,a ,,dialogue ,,of ,,friendship ,,zeus ,,cross-,,examined ,,zeus ,,tragoedus ,,the ,,cock ,,icaromenippus1 ,,an ,,aerial ,,expedition ,,the ,,double ,,indictment ,,the ,,parasite1 ,a ,,demonstration ,,that ,,sponging ,,is ,a ,,profession ,,anacharsis1 ,a ,,discussion ,,of ,,physical ,,training ,,of ,,mourning ,,the ,,rhetorician',s ,,vade ,,mecum ,,the ,,liar ,,dionysus1 ,,an ,,introductory ,,lecture ,,heracles1 ,,an ,,introductory ,,lecture ,,swans ,,and ,,amber ,,the ,,fly1 ,,an ,,appreciation ,,remarks ,,addressed ,,to ,,an ,,illiterate ,,book-,,fancier ,,alphabetical ,,table ,,of ,,contents ,,life ,,of ,,demonax ,it was in the book of ,fate that even this age of ours should not be destitute entirely of noteworthy and memorable men1 but produce a body of extraordinary power1 and a mind of surpassing wisdom4 ,my allusions are to ,sostratus the ,boeotian1 whom the ,greeks called1 and believed to be1 ,heracles2 and more particularly to the philosopher ,demonax4 ,i saw and marvelled at both of them1 and with the latter ,i long consorted4 ,i have written of ,sostratus elsewhere ,footnote3 ,the life of ,sostratus is not extant41 and described his stature and enormous strength1 his open-air life on ,parnassus1 sleeping on the grass and eating what the mountain afforded1 the exploits that bore out his surname--robbers exterminated1 rough places made smooth1 and deep waters bridged4 ,this time ,i am to write of ,demonax1 with two sufficient ends in view3 first1 to keep his memory green among good men1 as far as in me lies2 and secondly1 to provide the most earnest of our rising generation1 who aspire to philosophy1 with a contemporary pattern1 that they may not be forced back upon the ancients for worthy models1 but imitate this best--if ,i am any judge--of all philosophers4 ,he came of a ,cyprian family which enjoyed considerable property and political influence4 ,but his views soared above such things as these2 he claimed nothing less than the highest1 and devoted himself to philosophy4 ,this was not due to any exhortations of ,agathobulus1 his predecessor ,demetrius1 or ,epictetus4 ,he did indeed enjoy the converse of all these1 as well as of ,timocrates of ,heraclea1 that wise man whose gifts of expression and of understanding were equal4 ,it was not1 however1 to the exhortations of any of these1 but to a natural impulse towards the good1 an innate yearning for philosophy which manifested itself in childish years1 that he owed his superiority to all the things that ordinary men pursue4 ,he took independence and candour for his guiding principles1 lived himself an upright1 wholesome1 irreproachable life1 and exhibited to all who saw or heard him the model of his own disposition and philosophic sincerity4 ,he was no half-baked enthusiast either2 he had lived with the poets1 and knew most of them by heart2 he was a practised speaker2 he had a knowledge of philosophic principles not of the superficial skin-deep order2 he had developed and hardened his body by exercise and toil1 and1 in short1 had been at the pains to make himself every man's equal at every point4 ,he was consistent enough1 when he found that he could no longer suffice to himself1 to depart voluntarily from life1 leaving a great reputation behind him among the true nobility of ,greece4 ,instead of confining himself to a single philosophic school1 he laid them all under contribution1 without showing clearly which of them he preferred2 but perhaps he was nearest akin to ,socrates2 for1 though he had leanings as regards externals and plain living to ,diogenes1 he never studied effect or lived for the applause and admiration of the multitude2 his ways were like other people's2 he mounted no high horse2 he was just a man and a citizen4 ,he indulged in no ,socratic irony2 but his discourse was full of ,attic grace2 those who heard it went away neither disgusted by servility nor repelled by ill-tempered censure1 but on the contrary lifted out of themselves by charity1 and encouraged to more orderly1 contented1 hopeful lives4 ,he was never known to shout or be over vehement or angry1 even when he had to correct2 he touched offences1 but pardoned offenders1 saying that the doctors' was the right model1 who treat sickness but are not angry with the sick4 ,it is human1 he thought1 to err1 but divine 7whether in ,god or man7 to put the error right4 ,a life of this sort left him without wants of his own2 but he was always ready to render any proper service to his friends--including reminders to those among them who passed for fortunate1 how brief was their tenure of what they so prided themselves upon4 ,to all1 on the other hand1 who repined at poverty1 resented exile1 or complained of old age or bad health1 he administered laughing consolation1 and bade them not forget how soon their troubles would be over1 the distinction between good and bad be obsolete1 and long freedom succeed to short-lived distress4 ,he was fond of playing peace-maker between brothers at variance1 or presiding over the restoration of marital harmony4 ,he could say a word in season1 too1 before an agitated political assembly1 which would turn the scale in favour of patriotic duty4 ,such was the temper that philosophy produced in him1 kindly1 mild1 and cheerful4 ,nothing ever grieved him except the illness or death of a friend1 friendship being the one among blessings that he put highest2 and indeed he was every man's friend1 counting among his kindred whatever had human shape4 ,not that there were no degrees in the pleasure different people's society gave him2 but he avoided none1 except those who seemed so far astray that they could get no good from him4 ,and every word or act in which these principles took shape might have been dictated by the ,graces and ,aphrodite2 for #8on his lips ,persuasion sat1' as the play has it4 ,accordingly he was regarded with reverence at ,athens1 both by the collective assembly and by the officials2 he always continued to be a person of great consequence in their eyes4 ,and this though most of them had been at first offended with him1 and hated him as heartily as their ancestors had ,socrates4 ,besides his candour and independence1 there had been found ,anytuses and ,meletuses to repeat the historic charges3 he had never been known to sacrifice1 and he made himself singular by avoiding initiation at ,eleusis4 ,on this occasion he showed his courage by appearing in a garland and festal attire1 and then pleading his cause before the people with a dash of unwonted asperity infused into his ordinary moderate tone4 ,on the count of never having sacrificed to ,athene1 #8,men of ,athens1' he said1 #8there is nothing wonderful in this2 it was only that ,i gave the ,goddess credit for being able to do very well without sacrifices from me4' ,and in the matter of the ,mysteries1 his reason for not following the usual practice was this3 if the ,mysteries turned out to be bad1 he would never be able to keep quiet about it to the uninitiated1 but must dissuade them from the ceremony2 while1 if they were good1 humanity would tempt him to divulge them4 ,the ,athenians1 stone in hand already1 were at once disarmed1 and from that time onwards paid him honour and respect1 which ultimately rose to reverence4 ,yet he had opened his case with a bitter enough reproof3 #8,men of ,athens1 you see me ready garlanded2 proceed to sacrifice me1 then2 your former offering ,footnote3 i4e41 ,socrates4 was deficient in this formality4' ,i will now give some specimens of his pointed and witty sayings1 which may begin with his answers to ,favorinus4 ,the latter had heard that he made fun of his lectures1 and in particular of the sentimental verses with which they were garnished1 and which ,demonax thought contemptible1 womanish1 and quite unsuited to philosophy4 ,so he came and asked him3 #8,who1 pray1 are you1 that you should pour scorn upon me8' #8,i am the possessor of a critical pair of ears1' was the answer4 ,the sophist had not had enough2 #8,you are no infant1' he went on1 #8but a philosopher1 it seems2 may one ask what marks the transformation8' #8,the marks of manhood1' said ,demonax4 ,another time the same person came up and asked him what school of philosophy he belonged to4 #8,who told you ,i was a philosopher8' was all he said4 ,but as he left him1 he had a good laugh to himself1 which ,favorinus observing1 demanded what he was laughing at2 #8,i was only amused by your taking a man for a philosopher because he wears a beard1 when you have none yourself4' ,when ,sidonius1 who had a great reputation at ,athens as a teacher1 was boasting that he was conversant with all the philosophic systems--but ,i had better quote his words4 #8,let ,aristotle call1 and ,i follow to the ,lyceum2 ,plato1 and ,i hurry to the ,academy2 ,zeno1 and ,i make my home in the ,porch2 ,pythagoras1 and ,i keep the rule of silence4' ,then rose ,demonax from among the audience3 #8,sidonius1 ,pythagoras calls4' ,a pretty girlish young man called ,python1 son of some ,macedonian grandee1 once by way of quizzing him asked a riddling question and invited him to show his acumen over it4 #8,i only see one thing1 dear child1' he said1 #8and that is1 that you are a fair logician4' ,the other lost his temper at this equivoque1 and threatened him3 #8,you shall see in a minute what a man can do4' #8,oh1 you keep a man1 do you8' was ,demonax's smiling retort4 ,he once1 for daring to laugh at an athlete who displayed himself in gay clothes because he had won an ,olympic victory1 received a blow on the head with a stone1 which drew blood4 ,the bystanders were all as angry as if they had themselves been the victims1 and set up a shout--#8,the ,proconsul6 the ,proconsul6' #8,thank you1 gentlemen1' said ,demonax1 #8but ,i should prefer the doctor4' ,he once picked up a little gold charm in the road as he walked1 and posted a notice in the market-place stating that the loser could recover his property1 if he would call upon ,demonax and give particulars of the weight1 material1 and workmanship4 ,a handsome young exquisite came1 professing to have lost it4 ,the philosopher soon saw that it was a got-up story2 #8,ah1 my boy1' he said1 #8you will do very well1 if you lose your other charms as little as you have lost this one4' ,a ,roman senator at ,athens once presented his son1 who had great beauty of a soft womanish type4 #8,my son salutes you1 sir1' he said4 ,to which ,demonax answered1 #8,a pretty lad1 worthy of his father1 and extremely like his mother4' ,a cynic who emphasized his principles by wearing a bear's skin he insisted on addressing not by his name of ,honoratus1 but as ,bruin4 ,asked for a definition of ,happiness1 he said that only the free was happy4 #8,well1' said the questioner1 #8there is no lack of free men4'--#8,i count no man free who is subject to hopes and fears4'-- #8,you ask impossibilities2 of these two we are all very much the slaves4' #8,once grasp the nature of human affairs1' said ,demonax1 #8and you will find that they justify neither hope nor fear1 since both pain and pleasure are to have an end4' ,peregrine ,proteus was shocked at his taking things so lightly1 and treating mankind as a subject for humour3 #8,you have no teeth1 ,demonax4' #8,and you1 ,peregrine1 have no bowels4' ,a physical philosopher was discoursing about the antipodes2 ,demonax took his hand1 and led him to a well1 in which he showed him his own reflection3 #8,do you want us to believe that the antipodes are like that8' ,a man once boasted that he was a wizard1 and possessed of mighty charms whereby he could get what he chose out of anybody4 #8,will it surprise you to learn that ,i am a fellow-craftsman8' asked ,demonax2 #8pray come with me to the baker's1 and you shall see a single charm1 just one wave of my magic wand1 induce him to bestow several loaves upon me4' ,current coin1 he meant1 is as good a magician as most4 ,the great ,herodes1 mourning the untimely death of ,pollux1 used to have the carriage and horses got ready1 and the place laid at table1 as though the dead were going to drive and eat4 ,to him came ,demonax1 saying that he brought a message from ,pollux4 ,herodes1 delighted with the idea that ,demonax was humouring his whim like other people1 asked what it was that ,pollux required of him4 #8,he cannot think why you are so long coming to him4' ,when another person kept himself shut up in the dark1 mourning his son1 ,demonax represented himself to him as a magician3 he would call up the son's ghost1 the only condition being that he should be given the names of three people who had never had to mourn4 ,the father hum'd and ha'd1 unable1 doubtless1 to produce any such person1 till ,demonax broke in3 #8,and have you1 then1 a monopoly of the unendurable1 when you cannot name a man who has not some grief to endure8' ,he often ridiculed the people who use obsolete and uncommon words in their lectures4 ,one of these produced a bit of ,attic purism in answer to some question he had put4 #8,my dear sir1' he said1 #8the date of my question is to-day2 that of your answer is temp4 ,bell4 ,troj4' ,a friend asking him to come to the temple of ,asclepius1 there to make prayer for his son1 #8,poor deaf ,asclepius6' he exclaimed2 #8can he not hear at this distance8' ,he once saw two philosophers engaged in a very unedifying game of cross questions and crooked answers4 #8,gentlemen1' said he1 #8here is one man milking a billy-goat1 and another catching the proceeds in a sieve4' ,when ,agathocles the ,peripatetic vaunted himself as the first and only dialectician1 he asked him how he could be the first1 if he was the only1 or the only1 if he was the first4 ,the consular ,cethegus1 on his way to serve under his father in ,asia1 said and did many foolish things4 ,a friend describing him as a great ass1 #8,not even a great ass1' said ,demonax4 ,when ,apollonius was appointed professor of philosophy in the ,imperial household1 ,demonax witnessed his departure1 attended by a great number of his pupils4 #8,why1 here is ,apollonius with all his ,argonauts1' he cried4 ,asked whether he held the soul to be immortal1 #8,dear me1 yes1' he said2 #8everything is4' ,he remarked a propos of ,herodes that ,plato was quite right about our having more than one soul2 the same soul could not possibly compose those splendid declamations1 and have places laid for ,regilla and ,pollux after their death4 ,he was once bold enough to ask the assembled people1 when he heard the sacred proclamation1 why they excluded barbarians from the ,mysteries1 seeing that ,eumolpus1 the founder of them1 was a barbarian from ,thrace4 ,when he once had a winter voyage to make1 a friend asked how he liked the thought of being capsized and becoming food for fishes4 #8,i should be very unreasonable to mind giving them a meal1 considering how many they have given me4' ,to a rhetorician who had given a very poor declamation he recommended constant practice4 #8,why1 ,i am always practising to myself1' says the man4 #8,ah1 that accounts for it2 you are accustomed to such a foolish audience4' ,observing a soothsayer one day officiating for pay1 he said3 #8,i cannot see how you can ask pay4 ,if it is because you can change the course of ,fate1 you cannot possibly put the figure high enough3 if everything is settled by ,heaven1 and not by you1 what is the good of your soothsaying8' ,a hale old ,roman once gave him a little exhibition of his skill in fence1 taking a clothes-peg for his mark4 #8,what do you think of my play1 ,demonax8' he said4 #8,excellent1 so long as you have a wooden man to play with4' ,even for questions meant to be insoluble he generally had a shrewd answer at command4 ,some one tried to make a fool of him by asking1 ,if ,i burn a hundred pounds of wood1 how many pounds of smoke shall ,i get8 #8,weigh the ashes2 the difference is all smoke4' ,one ,polybius1 an uneducated man whose grammar was very defective1 once informed him that he had received ,roman citizenship from the ,emperor4 #8,why did he not make you a ,greek instead8' asked ,demonax4 ,seeing a decorated person very proud of his broad stripe1 he whispered in his ear1 while he took hold of and drew attention to the cloth1 #8,this attire did not make its original wearer anything but a sheep4' ,once at the bath the water was at boiling point1 and some one called him a coward for hesitating to get in4 #8,what1' said he1 #8is my country expecting me to do my duty8' ,some one asked him what he took the next world to be like4 #8,wait a bit1 and ,i will send you the information4' ,a minor poet called ,admetus told him he had inserted a clause in his will for the inscribing on his tomb of a monostich1 which ,i will give3 ,admetus' husk earth holds1 and ,heaven himself4 #8,what a beautiful epitaph1 ,admetus6' said ,demonax1 #8and what a pity it is not up yet6' ,the shrunk shanks of old age are a commonplace2 but when his reached this state1 some one asked him what was the matter with them4 #8,ah1' he said with a smile1 #8,charon has been having a bite at them4' ,he interrupted a ,spartan who was scourging his servant with1 #8,why confer on your slave the privilege of ,spartans ,footnote3 ,see ,spartans in ,notes4 like yourself8' ,he observed to one ,danae1 who was bringing a suit against her brother1 #8,have the law of him by all means2 it was another ,danae whose father was called the ,lawless4 ,footnote3 ,see ,danae in ,notes4 ,he waged constant warfare against all whose philosophy was not practical1 but for show4 ,so when he saw a cynic1 with threadbare cloak and wallet1 but a braying-pestle instead of a staff1 proclaiming himself loudly as a follower of ,antisthenes1 ,crates1 and ,diogenes1 he said3 #8,tell us no lies2 your master is the professor of braying4' ,noticing how foul play was growing among the athletes1 who often supplemented the resources of boxing and wrestling with their teeth1 he said it was no wonder that the champions' partisans had taken to describing them as lions4 ,there was both wit and sting in what he said to the proconsul4 ,the latter was one of the people who take all the hair off their bodies with pitch-plaster4 ,a cynic mounted a block of stone and cast this practice in his teeth1 suggesting that it was for immoral purposes4 ,the proconsul in a rage had the man pulled down1 and was on the point of condemning him to be beaten or banished1 when ,demonax1 who was present1 pleaded for him on the ground that he was only exercising the traditional cynic licence4 #8,well1' said the proconsul1 #8,i pardon him this time at your request2 but if he offends again1 what shall ,i do to him8' #8,have him depilated1' said ,demonax4 ,another person1 entrusted by the ,emperor with the command of legions and the charge of a great province1 asked him what was the way to govern well4 #8,keep your temper1 say little1 and hear much4' ,asked whether he ate honey-cakes1 #8,do you suppose1' he said1 #8that bees only make honey for fools8' ,noticing near the ,poecile a statue minus a hand1 he said it had taken ,athens a long time to get up a bronze to ,cynaegirus4 ,alluding to the lame ,cyprian ,rufinus1 who was a ,peripatetic and spent much time in the ,lyceum walks1 #8,what presumption1' he exclaimed1 #8for a cripple to call himself a ,walking ,philosopher6' ,epictetus once urged him1 with a touch of reproof1 to take a wife and raise a family--for it beseemed a philosopher to leave some one to represent him after the flesh4 ,but he received the home thrust3 #8,very well1 ,epictetus2 give me one of your daughters4' ,his remark to ,herminus the ,aristotelian is equally worth recording4 ,he was aware that this man's character was vile and his misdeeds innumerable1 and yet his mouth was always full of ,aristotle and his ten predicaments4 #8,certainly1 ,herminus1' he said1 #8no predicament is too bad for you4' ,when the ,athenians were thinking1 in their rivalry with ,corinth1 of starting gladiatorial shows1 he came forward and said3 #8,men of ,athens1 before you pass this motion1 do not forget to destroy the altar of ,pity4' ,on the occasion of his visiting ,olympia1 the ,eleans voted a bronze statue to him4 ,but he remonstrated3 #8,it will imply a reproach to your ancestors1 men of ,elis1 who set up no statue to ,socrates or ,diogenes4' ,i once heard him observe to a learned lawyer that laws were not of much use1 whether meant for the good or for the bad2 the first do not need them1 and upon the second they have no effect4 ,there was one line of ,homer always on his tongue3 ,idle or busy1 death takes all alike4 ,he had a good word for ,thersites1 as a cynic and a leveller4 ,asked which of the philosophers was most to his taste1 he said3 #8,i admire them all2 ,socrates ,i revere1 ,diogenes ,i admire1 ,aristippus ,i love4' ,he lived to nearly a hundred1 free from disease and pain1 burdening no man1 asking no man's favour1 serving his friends1 and having no enemies4 ,not ,athens only1 but all ,greece was so in love with him that as he passed the great would give him place and there would be a general hush4 ,towards the end of his long life he would go uninvited into the first house that offered1 and there get his dinner and his bed1 the household regarding it as the visit of some heavenly being which brought them a blessing4 ,when they saw him go by1 the baker-wives would contend for the honour of supplying him1 and a happy woman was the actual donor4 ,children too used to call him father1 and bring him offerings of fruit4 ,party spirit was once running high at ,athens2 he came into the assembly1 and his mere appearance was enough to still the storm4 ,when he saw that they were ashamed1 he departed again without having uttered a word4 ,when he found that he was no longer able to take care of himself1 he repeated to his friends the tag with which the heralds close the festival3 ,the games are done1 ,the crowns all won2 ,no more delay1 ,but haste away1 and from that moment abstaining from food1 left life as cheerfully as he had lived it4 ,when the end was near1 he was asked his wishes about burial4 #8,oh1 do not trouble2 scent will summon my undertakers4' ,well1 but it would be indecent for the body of so great a man to feed birds and dogs4 #8,oh1 no harm in making oneself useful in death to anything that lives4' ,however1 the ,athenians gave him a magnificent public funeral1 long lamented him1 worshipped and garlanded the stone seat on which he had been wont to rest when tired1 accounting the mere stone sanctified by him who had sat upon it4 ,no one would miss the funeral ceremony1 least of all any of the philosophers4 ,it was these who bore him to the grave4 ,i have made but a small selection of the material available2 but it may serve to give readers some idea of this great man's character4 ,a ,,portrait-,,study ,lycinus4 ,polystratus ,ly4 ,polystratus1 ,i know now what men must have felt like when they saw the ,gorgon's head4 ,i have just experienced the same sensation1 at the sight of a most lovely woman4 ,a little more1 and ,i should have realized the legend1 by being turned to stone2 ,i am benumbed with admiration4 ,poly4 ,wonderful indeed must have been the beauty1 and terrible the power of the woman who could produce such an impression on ,lycinus4 ,tell me of this petrifying ,medusa4 ,who is she1 and whence8 ,i would see her myself4 ,you will not grudge me that privilege8 ,your jealousy will not take alarm at the prospect of a rival petrifaction at your side8 ,ly4 ,well1 ,i give you fair warning3 one distant glimpse of her1 and you are speechless1 motionless as any statue4 ,nay1 that is a light affliction3 the mortal wound is not dealt till her glance has fallen on you4 ,what can save you then8 ,she will lead you in chains1 hither and thither1 as the magnet draws the steel4 ,poly4 ,enough6 ,you would make her more than human4 ,and now tell me who she is4 ,ly4 ,you think ,i am exaggerating3 ,i fear you will have but a poor opinion of my eloquence when you see her as she is--so far above my praise4 ,who she is1 ,i cannot say3 but to judge from the splendour of her surroundings1 her retinue1 her host of eunuchs and maids1 she must be of no ordinary rank4 ,poly4 ,and you never even asked her name8 ,ly4 ,why no2 but she is from ,ionia2 because1 as she passed1 ,i heard one of the bystanders speak aside to his neighbour3 #8,see1 he exclaimed1 #8what ,smyrna can produce6 ,and what wonder1 if the fairest of ,ionian cities has given birth to the fairest of women8' ,i thought he must come from ,smyrna himself1 he was so proud of her4 ,poly4 ,there you acted your stony part to perfection4 ,as you could neither follow her1 nor make inquiries of the ,smyrnaean1 it only remains for you to describe her as best you can1 on the chance of my recognizing her4 ,ly4 ,you know not what you ask4 ,it is not in the power of words--certainly not of my words--to portray such wondrous beauty2 scarcely could an ,apelles1 a ,zeuxis1 a ,parrhasius1--a ,phidias or an ,alcamenes1 do justice to it2 as for my flimsy workmanship1 it will but insult the original4 ,poly4 ,well1 never mind2 what was she like8 ,there can be no harm in trying your hand4 ,what if the portrait be somewhat out of drawing8--the critic is your good friend4 ,ly4 ,i think my best way out of it will be to call in the aid of some of the old masters ,i have named3 let them fashion the likeness for me4 ,poly4 ,well1 but--will they come8 ,they have been dead so long4 ,ly4 ,that is easily managed3 but you must not mind answering me a few questions4 ,poly4 ,you have but to ask4 ,ly4 ,were you ever at ,cnidus8 ,poly4 ,i was4 ,ly4 ,then you have seen the ,aphrodite1 of course8 ,poly4 ,that masterpiece of ,praxiteles's art6 ,i have4 ,ly4 ,and heard the story they tell there1--of the man who fell in love with the statue1 and contrived to get shut into the temple alone1 and there enjoyed such favours as a statue is able to bestow4--,but that is neither here nor there4--,you have seen the ,cnidian ,aphrodite1 anyhow2 now ,i want to know whether you have also seen our own ,aphrodite of the ,gardens1--the ,alcamenes4 ,poly4 ,i must be a dullard of dullards1 if that most exquisite of ,alcamenes's works had escaped my notice4 ,ly4 ,i forbear to ask whether in the course of your many visits to the ,acropolis you ever observed the ,sosandra of ,calamis4 ,footnote3 ,this statue is usually identified with one of ,aphrodite by the same sculptor1 mentioned in ,pausanias4 ,soteira 7#8saviour'7 is known as an epithet of ,aphrodite3 but ,sosandra 7#8man-saving'7 is explained as a nickname of the particular statue1 in playful allusion to ,callias1 the donor1 who was apparently indebted to ,aphrodite for his success with a certain ,elpinice4 ,poly4 ,frequently4 ,ly4 ,that is really enough for my purpose4 ,but ,i should just like to know what you consider to be ,phidias's best work4 ,poly4 ,can you ask8--,the ,lemnian ,athene1 which bears the artist's own signature2 oh1 and of course the ,amazon leaning on her spear4 ,ly4 ,i approve your judgement4 ,we shall have no need of other artists3 ,i am now to cull from each of these its own peculiar beauty1 and combine all in a single portrait4 ,poly4 ,and how are you going to do that8 ,ly4 ,it is quite simple4 ,all we have to do is to hand over our several types to ,reason1 whose care it must be to unite them in the most harmonious fashion1 with due regard to the consistency1 as to the variety1 of the result4 ,poly4 ,to be sure2 let ,reason take her materials and begin4 ,what will she make of it1 ,i wonder8 ,will she contrive to put all these different types together without their clashing8 ,ly4 ,well1 look2 she is at work already4 ,observe her procedure4 ,she begins with our ,cnidian importation1 from which she takes only the head2 with the rest she is not concerned1 as the statue is nude4 ,the hair1 the forehead1 the exquisite eyebrows1 she will keep as ,praxiteles has rendered them2 the eyes1 too1 those soft1 yet bright-glancing eyes1 she leaves unaltered4 ,but the cheeks and the front of the face are taken from the #8,garden' ,goddess2 and so are the lines of the hands1 the shapely wrists1 the delicately-tapering fingers4 ,phidias and the ,lemnian ,athene will give the outline of the face1 and the well-proportioned nose1 and lend new softness to the cheeks2 and the same artist may shape her neck and closed lips1 to resemble those of his ,amazon4 ,calamis adorns her with ,sosandra's modesty1 ,sosandra's grave half-smile2 the decent seemly dress is ,sosandra's too1 save that the head must not be veiled4 ,for her stature1 let it be that of ,cnidian ,aphrodite2 once more we have recourse to ,praxiteles4--,what think you1 ,polystratus8 ,is it a lovely portrait8 ,poly4 ,assuredly it will be1 when it is perfected4 ,at present1 my paragon of sculptors1 one element of loveliness has escaped your comprehensive grasp4 ,ly4 ,what is that8 ,poly4 ,a most important one4 ,you will agree with me that colour and tone have a good deal to do with beauty8 that black should be black1 white be white1 and red play its blushing part8 ,it looks to me as if the most important thing of all were still lacking4 ,ly4 ,well1 how shall we manage8 ,call in the painters1 perhaps1 selecting those who were noted for their skill in mixing and laying on their colours8 ,be it so3 we will have ,polygnotus1 ,euphranor of course1 ,apelles and ,aetion2 they can divide the work between them4 ,euphranor shall colour the hair like his ,hera's2 ,polygnotus the comely brow and faintly blushing cheek1 after his ,cassandra in the ,assembly-room at ,delphi4 ,polygnotus shall also paint her robe1--of the finest texture1 part duly gathered in1 but most of it floating in the breeze4 ,for the flesh-tints1 which must be neither too pale nor too high-coloured1 ,apelles shall copy his own ,campaspe4 ,and lastly1 ,aetion shall give her ,roxana's lips4 ,nay1 we can do better3 have we not ,homer1 best of painters1 though a ,euphranor and an ,apelles be present8 ,let him colour all like the limbs of ,menelaus1 which he says were #8ivory tinged with red4' ,he too shall paint her calm #8ox-eyes1' and the ,theban poet shall help him to give them their #8violet' hue4 ,homer shall add her smile1 her white arms1 her rosy finger-tips1 and so complete the resemblance to golden ,aphrodite1 to whom he has compared ,brises' daughter with far less reason4 ,so far we may trust our sculptors and painters and poets3 but for her crowning glory1 for the grace--nay1 the choir of ,graces and ,loves that encircle her--who shall portray them8 ,poly4 ,this was no earthly vision1 ,lycinus2 surely she must have dropped from the clouds4--,and what was she doing8 ,ly4 ,in her hands was an open scroll2 half read 7so ,i surmised7 and half to be read4 ,as she passed1 she was making some remark to one of her company2 what it was ,i did not catch4 ,but when she smiled1 ah6 then1 ,polystratus1 ,i beheld teeth whose whiteness1 whose unbroken regularity1 who shall describe8 ,imagine a lovely necklace of gleaming pearls1 all of a size2 and imagine those dazzling rows set off by ruby lips4 ,in that glimpse1 ,i realized what ,homer meant by his #8carven ivory4' ,other women's teeth differ in size2 or they project2 or there are gaps3 here1 all was equality and evenness2 pearl joined to pearl in unbroken line4 ,oh1 'twas a wondrous sight1 of beauty more than human4 ,poly4 ,stay4 ,i know now whom you mean1 as well from your description as from her nationality4 ,you said that there were eunuchs in her train8 ,ly4 ,yes2 and soldiers too4 ,poly4 ,my simple friend1 the lady you have been describing is a celebrity1 and possesses the affections of an ,emperor4 ,ly4 ,and her name8 ,poly4 ,adds one more to the list of her charms2 for it is the same as that of ,abradatas's wife4 ,footnote3 ,see ,panthea in ,notes4 ,you know ,xenophon's enthusiastic account of that beautiful and virtuous woman8--you have read it a dozen times4 ,ly4 ,yes2 and every time ,i read it1 it is as if she stood before me4 ,i almost hear her uttering the words the historian has put into her mouth1 and see her arming her husband and sending him forth to battle4 ,poly4 ,ah1 my dear ,lycinus1 this lady has passed you but once1 like a lightning flash2 and your praises1 ,i perceive1 are all for those external charms that strike the eye4 ,you are yet a stranger to her nobility of soul2 you know not that higher1 more god-like beauty4 ,i am her fellow-countryman1 ,i know her1 and have conversed with her many times4 ,you are aware that gentleness1 humanity1 magnanimity1 modesty1 culture1 are things that ,i prize more than beauty-and rightly2 to do otherwise would be as absurd as to value raiment above the body4 ,where physical perfection goes hand-in-hand with spiritual excellence1 there alone 7as ,i maintain7 is true beauty4 ,i could show you many a woman whose outward loveliness is marred by what is within2 who has but to open her lips1 and beauty stands confessed a faded1 withered thing1 the mean1 unlovely handmaid of that odious mistress1 her soul4 ,such women are like ,egyptian temples3 the shrine is fair and stately1 wrought of costly marble1 decked out with gilding and painting3 but seek the ,god within1 and you find an ape--an ibis--a goat--a cat4 ,of how many women is the same thing true6 ,beauty unadorned is not enough3 and her true adornments are not purple and jewels1 but those others that ,i have mentioned1 modesty1 courtesy1 humanity1 virtue and all that waits on virtue4 ,ly4 ,why then1 ,polystratus1 you shall give me story for story1 good measure1 shaken together1 out of your abundance3 paint me the portrait of her soul1 that ,i may be no more her half-admirer4 ,poly4 ,this will be no light task1 my friend4 ,it is one thing to commend what all the world can see1 and quite another to reveal what is hidden4 ,i too shall want help with my portrait4 ,nor will sculptors and painters suffice me3 ,i must have philosophers2 it is by their canons that ,i must adjust the proportions of the figure1 if ,i am to attain to the perfection of ancient models4 ,to begin then4 ,of her clear1 liquid voice ,homer might have said1 with far more truth than of aged ,nestor's1 that honey from those lips distilled4 ,the pitch1 exquisitely soft1 as far removed from masculine bass as from ultra-feminine treble1 is that of a boy before his voice breaks2 sweet1 seductive1 suavely penetrating2 it ceases1 and still vibrating murmurs play1 echo-like1 about the listener's ears1 and ,persuasion leaves her honeyed track upon his mind4 ,but oh6 the joy1 to hear her sing1 and sing to the lyre's accompaniment4 ,let swans and halcyons and cicalas then be mute4 ,there is no music like hers2 ,philomela's self1 #8full-throated songstress' though she be1 is all unskilled beside her4 ,methinks ,orpheus and ,amphion1 whose spell drew even lifeless things to hear them1 would have dropped their lyres and stood listening in silence to that voice4 ,what should ,thracian ,orpheus1 what should ,amphion1 whose days upon ,cithaeron were divided betwixt his lyre and his herd1--what should they know of true concord1 of accurate rhythm1 of accentuation and time1 of the harmonious adaptation of lyre and voice1 of easy and graceful execution8 ,yes2 once hear her sing1 ,lycinus1 and you will know something of ,sirens as well as of ,gorgons3 you have experienced petrifaction2 you will next learn what it is to stand entranced1 forgetting country and kindred4 ,wax will not avail you3 her song will penetrate through all2 for therein is every grace that ,terpsichore1 ,melpomene1 ,calliope herself1 could inspire4 ,in a word1 imagine that you hear such notes as should issue from those lips1 those teeth that you have seen4 ,her perfect intonation1 her pure ,ionic accent1 her ready ,attic eloquence1 need not surprise you2 these are her birthright2 for is not ,smyrna ,athens' daughter8 ,and what more natural than that she should love poetry1 and make it her chief study8 ,homer is her fellow citizen4--,there you have my first portrait2 the portrait of a sweet-voiced songstress1 though it fall far short of its original4 ,and now for others4 ,for ,i do not propose to make one of many1 as you did4 ,i aim higher3 the complex picture of so many beauties wrought into one1 however artful be the composition1 cannot escape inconsistency3 with me1 each separate virtue of her soul shall sit for its own portrait4 ,ly4 ,what a banquet awaits me6 ,here1 assuredly1 is good measure4 ,mete it out2 ,i ask for nothing better4 ,poly4 ,i proceed then to the delineation of ,culture1 the confessed mistress of all mental excellences1 particularly of all acquired ones3 ,i must render her features in all their manifold variety2 not even here shall my portraiture be inferior to your own4 ,i paint her1 then1 with every grace that ,helicon can give4 ,each of the ,muses has but her single accomplishment1 be it tragedy or history or hymn3 all these ,culture shall have1 and with them the gifts of ,hermes and of ,apollo4 ,the poet's graceful numbers1 the orator's persuasive power1 the historian's learning1 the sage's counsel1 all these shall be her adornments2 the colours shall be imperishable1 and laid on with no niggardly brush4 ,it is not my fault1 if ,i am unable to point to any classical model for the portrait3 the records of antiquity afford no precedent for a culture so highly developed4--,may ,i hang this beside the other8 ,i think it is a passable likeness4 ,ly4 ,passable6 ,my dear ,polystratus1 it is sublime2 exquisitely finished in every line4 ,poly4 ,next ,i have to depict ,wisdom2 and here ,i shall have occasion for many models1 most of them ancient2 one comes1 like the lady herself1 from ,ionia4 ,the artists shall be ,aeschines and ,socrates his master1 most realistic of painters1 for their heart was in their work4 ,we could choose no better model of wisdom than ,milesian ,aspasia1 the admired of the admirable #8,olympian' ,footnote3 ,see ,pericles in ,notes42 her political knowledge and insight1 her shrewdness and penetration1 shall all be transferred to our canvas in their perfect measure4 ,aspasia1 however1 is only preserved to us in miniature3 our proportions must be those of a colossus4 ,ly4 ,explain4 ,poly4 ,the portraits will be alike1 but not on the same scale4 ,there is a difference between the little republic of ancient ,athens1 and the ,roman ,empire of to-day2 and there will be the same difference in scale 7however close the resemblance in other respects7 between our huge canvas and that miniature4 ,a second and a third model may be found in ,theano1 and in the poetess of ,lesbos2 nay1 we may add ,diotima too4 ,theano shall give grandeur to the picture1 ,sappho elegance2 and ,diotima shall be represented as well by her wisdom and sagacity1 as by the qualities for which ,socrates commended her4 ,the portrait is complete4 ,let it be hung4 ,ly4 ',tis a fine piece of work4 ,proceed4 ,poly4 ,courtesy1 benevolence3 that is now my subject4 ,i have to show forth her gentle disposition1 her graciousness to suppliants4 ,she shall appear in the likeness of ,theano--,antenor's ,theano this time--1 of ,arete and her daughter ,nausicaa1 and of every other who in her high station has borne herself with constancy4 ,next comes constancy of another kind1--constancy in love2 its original1 the daughter of ,icarius1 #8constant' and #8wise1' as ,homer draws her2 am ,i doing more than justice to his ,penelope8 ,and there is another3 our lady's namesake1 ,abradatas's wife2 of her we have already spoken4 ,ly4 ,once more1 noble work1 ,polystratus4 ,and now your task must be drawing to a close3 here is a whole soul depicted2 its every virtue praised4 ,poly4 ,not yet3 the highest praise remains4 ,born to magnificence1 she clothes not herself in the pride of wealth2 listens not to ,fortune's flattering tale1 who tells her she is more than human2 but walks upon the common ground1 far removed from all thought of arrogance and ostentation4 ,every man is her equal2 her greeting1 her smile are for all who approach her2 and how acceptable is the kindness of a superior1 when it is free from every touch of condescension6 ,when the power of the great turns not to insolence but to beneficence1 we feel that ,fortune has bestowed her gifts aright4 ,here alone ,envy has no place4 ,for how should one man grudge another his prosperity when he sees him using it with moderation1 not1 like the ,homeric ,ate1 an oppressor of the weak1 trampling on men's necks8 ,it is otherwise with those meaner souls--victims of their own ignoble vanity--1 who1 when ,fortune has raised them suddenly beyond their hopes into her winged aerial car1 know no rest1 can never look behind them1 but must ever press upwards4 ,to such the end soon comes3 ,icarus-like1 with melted wax and moulting feathers1 they fall headlong into the billows1 a derision to mankind4 ,the ,daedaluses use their waxen wings with moderation3 they are but men2 they husband their strength accordingly1 and are content to fly a little higher than the waves1--so little that the sun never finds them dry2 and that prudence is their salvation4 ,therein lies this lady's highest praise4 ,she has her reward3 all men pray that her wings may never droop1 and that blessings may increase upon her4 ,ly4 ,and may the prayer be granted6 ,she deserves every blessing3 she is not outwardly fair alone1 like ,helen1 but has a soul within more fair1 more lovely than her body4 ,it is a fitting crown to the happiness of our benevolent and gracious ,emperor1 that in his day such a woman should be born2 should be his1 and her affections his4 ,it is blessedness indeed1 to possess one of whom we may say with ,homer that she contends with golden ,aphrodite in beauty1 and in works is the equal of ,athene4 ,who of womankind shall be compared to her ,in comeliness1 in wit1 in goodly works8 ,poly4 ,who indeed8--,lycinus1 ,i have a proposal to make4 ,let us combine our portraits1 yours of the body and mine of the soul1 and throw them into a literary form1 for the enjoyment of our generation and of all posterity4 ,such a work will be more enduring than those of ,apelles and ,parrhasius and ,polygnotus2 it will be far removed from creations of wood and wax and colour1 being inspired by the ,muses1 in whom alone is that true portraiture that shows forth in one likeness a lovely body and a virtuous soul4 ,,defence ,,of ,,the #8,,portrait-,,study' ,polystratus4 ,lycinus ,poly4 ,well1 here is the lady's comment4 ,your pages are most kind and complimentary1 ,i am sure1 ,lycinus4 ,no one would have so over-praised me who had not felt kindly towards me4 ,but if you would know my real feeling1 here it is4 ,i never do much like the complaisant2 they always strike me as insincere and wanting in frankness4 ,but when it comes to a set panegyric1 in which my much magnified virtues are painted in glaring colours1 ,i blush and would fain stop my ears1 and feel that ,i am rather being made fun of than commended4 ,praise is tolerable up to the point at which the object of it can still believe in the existence of the qualities attributed to him2 pass that point1 and he is revolted and finds the flatterer out4 ,of course ,i know there are plenty of people who are glad enough to have non-existent qualities added to their praises2 who do not mind being called young and lusty in their decline1 or ,nireuses and ,phaons though they are hideous2 who1 ,pelias-like1 expect praise to metamorphose or rejuvenate them4 ,but they are mistaken4 ,praise would indeed be a most precious commodity if there were any way of converting its extravagances into solid fact4 ,but there being none1 they can only be compared to an ugly man on whom one should clap a beautiful mask1 and who should then be proud of those looks that any one could take from him and break to pieces2 revealed in his true likeness1 he would be only the more ridiculous for the contrast between casket and treasure4 ,or1 if you will1 imagine a little man on stilts measuring heights with people who have eighteen inches the better of him in stocking feet4 ,and then she told this story4 ,there was a noble lady1 fair and comely in all respects except that she was short and ill-proportioned4 ,a poet wrote an ode in her honour1 and included among her beauties that of tallness2 her slender height was illustrated from the poplar4 ,she was in ecstasies1 as though the verses were making her grow1 and kept waving her hand4 ,which the poet seeing1 and realizing her appetite for praise1 recited the lines again and again1 till at last one of the company whispered in his ear1 #8,stop1 my good man2 you will be making her get up4' ,she added a similar but still more absurd anecdote of ,stratonice the wife of ,seleucus1 who offered a talent to the poet who should best celebrate her hair4 ,as a matter of fact she was bald1 with not a hair to call her own4 ,but what matter what her head was like1 or that every one knew how a long illness had treated her8 she listened to these abandoned poets telling of hyacinthine locks1 plaiting thick tresses1 and making imaginary curls as crisp as parsley4 ,all such surrenders to flattery were laughed to scorn1 with the addition that many people were just as fond of being flattered and fooled by portrait-painters as these by verbal artists4 ,what these people look for in a painter 7she said7 is readiness to improve nature3 ,some of them insist upon the artist's taking a little off their noses1 deepening the shade of their eyes1 or otherwise idealizing them to order2 it quite escapes them that the garlands they afterwards put on the picture are offered to another person who bears no relation to themselves4 ,and so she went on1 finding much in your composition to approve1 but displeased in particular with your likening her to ,hera and ,aphrodite4 ,such comparisons are far too high for me1 she said1 or indeed for any of womankind4 ,why1 ,i would not have had you put me on a level with women of the ,heroic ,age1 with a ,penelope1 an ,arete1 a ,theano2 how much less with the chief of the ,goddesses4 ,where the ,gods are concerned 7she continued2 and mark her here71 ,i am very apprehensive and timid4 ,i fear that to accept a panegyric like this would be to make a ,cassiopeia of myself2 though indeed she only challenged the ,nereids1 and stopped short of ,hera and ,aphrodite4 ,so1 ,lycinus1 she insisted that you must recast all this2 otherwise she must call the ,goddesses to witness that you had written against her wishes1 and leave you to the knowledge that the piece would be an annoyance to her1 if it circulated in its present shape1 so lacking in reverence and piety4 ,the outrage on reverence would be put down to her1 if she allowed herself to be likened to her of ,cnidus and her of the ,garden4 ,she would have you bear in mind the close of your discourse1 where you spoke of the unassuming modesty that attempted no superhuman flights1 but kept near the earth4 ,it was inconsistent with that to take the same woman up to heaven and compare her with ,goddesses4 ,she would like to be allowed as much sense as ,alexander2 he1 when his architect proposed to transform ,mount ,athos into a vast image of the ,king with a pair of cities in his hands1 shrank from the grandiose proposal2 such presumption was beyond him2 such patent megalomania must be suppressed2 leave ,athos alone1 he said1 and do not degrade a mighty mountain to the similitude of a poor human body4 ,this only showed the greatness of ,alexander1 and itself constituted in the eyes of all future generations a monument higher than any ,athos2 to be able to scorn so extraordinary an honour was itself magnanimity4 ,so she commends your work of art1 and your selective method1 but cannot recognize the likeness4 ,she does not come up to the description1 nor near it1 for indeed no woman could4 ,accordingly she sends you back your laudation1 and pays homage to the originals from which you drew it4 ,confine your praises within the limits of humanity2 if the shoe is too big1 it may chance to trip her up4 ,then there was another point which ,i was to impress upon you4 ,i often hear1 she said1--but whether it is true1 you men know better than ,i--that at ,olympia the victors are not allowed to have their statues set up larger than life2 the ,stewards see to it that no one transgresses this rule1 examining the statues even more scrupulously than they did the competitor's qualification4 ,take care that we do not get convicted of false proportions1 and find our statue thrown down by the ,stewards4 ,and now ,i have given you her message4 ,it is for you1 ,lycinus1 to overhaul your work1 and by removing these blemishes avoid the offence4 ,they shocked and made her nervous as ,i read2 she kept on addressing the ,goddesses in propitiatory words2 and such feelings may surely be permitted to her sex4 ,for that matter1 to be quite frank1 ,i shared them to some extent4 ,at the first hearing ,i found no offence2 but as soon as she put her finger on the fault1 ,i began to agree4 ,you know what happens with visible objects2 if we look at them at close quarters1 just under our eyes1 ,i mean1 we distinguish nothing clearly2 but stepping back to the right distance1 we get a clear conception of what is right and what is wrong about them4 ,that was my experience here4 ,after all1 to compare a mortal to ,hera and ,aphrodite is cheapening the ,goddesses1 and nothing else4 ,in such comparisons the small is not so much magnified as the great is diminished and reduced4 ,if a giant and a dwarf were walking together1 and their heights had to be equalized1 no efforts of the dwarf could effect it1 however much he stood on tiptoe2 the giant must stoop and make himself out shorter than he is4 ,so in this sort of portraiture3 the human is not so much exalted by the similitude as the divine is belittled and pulled down4 ,if indeed a lack of earthly beauties forced the artist upon scaling ,heaven1 he might perhaps be acquitted of blasphemy2 but your enterprise was so needless2 why ,aphrodite and ,hera1 when you have all mortal beauty to choose from8 ,prune and chasten1 then1 ,lycinus4 ,all this is not quite like you1 who never used to be over-ready with your commendation2 you seem to have gone now to the opposite extreme of prodigality1 and developed from a niggard into a spendthrift of praise4 ,do not be ashamed to make alterations in what you have already published1 either4 ,they say ,phidias did as much after finishing his ,olympian ,zeus4 ,he stood behind the doors when he had opened them for the first time to let the work be seen1 and listened to the comments favourable or the reverse4 ,one found the nose too broad1 another the face too long1 and so on4 ,when the company was gone1 he shut himself up again to correct and adapt his statue to the prevailing taste4 ,advice so many-headed was not to be despised2 the many must after all see further than the one1 though that one be ,phidias4 ,there is the counsel of a friend and well-wisher to back up the lady's message4 ,ly4 ,why1 ,polystratus1 ,i never knew what an orator you were4 ,after that eloquent close-packed indictment of my booklet1 ,i almost despair of the defence4 ,you and she were not quite judicial1 though2 you less than she1 in condemning the accused when its counsel was not in court4 ,it is always easy to win a walk-over1 you know2 so no wonder we were convicted1 not being allowed to speak or given the ear of the court4 ,but1 still more monstrous1 you were accusers and jury at once4 ,well1 what am ,i to do8 accept the verdict and hold my tongue8 pen a palinode like ,stesichorus8 or will you grant an appeal8 ,poly4 ,surely1 if you have anything to say for yourself4 ,for you will be heard not by opponents1 as you say1 but by friends4 ,indeed1 my place is with you in the dock4 ,ly4 ,how ,i wish ,i could1 have spoken in her own presence6 that would have been far better2 but ,i must do it by proxy4 ,however1 if you will report me to her as well as you did her to me1 ,i will adventure4 ,poly4 ,trust me to do justice to the defence2 but put it shortly1 in mercy to my memory4 ,ly4 ,so severe an indictment should by rights be met at length2 but for your sake ,i will cut it short4 ,put these considerations before her from me1 then4 ,poly4 ,no1 not that way1 please4 ,make your speech1 just as though she were listening1 and ,i will reproduce you to her4 ,ly4 ,very well1 then4 ,she is here2 she has just delivered the oration which you have described to me2 it is now counsel's turn4 ,and yet--,i must confide my feelings to you--you have made my undertaking somehow more formidable2 you see the beads gather on my brow2 my courage goes2 ,i seem to see her there2 my situation bewilders me4 ,yet begin ,i will2 how can ,i draw back when she is there8 ,poly4 ,ah1 but her face promises a kindly hearing2 see how bright and gracious4 ,pluck up heart1 man1 and begin4 ,ly4 ,most noble lady1 in what you term the great and excessive praise that ,i bestowed upon you1 ,i find no such high testimony to your merits as that which you have borne yourself by your surprise at the attribution of divinity4 ,that one thing surpasses all that ,i have said of you1 and my only excuse for not having added this trait to my portrait is that ,i was not aware of it2 if ,i had been1 no other should have had precedence of it4 ,in this light ,i find myself1 far from exaggerating1 to have fallen much short of the truth4 ,consider the magnitude of this omission1 the convincing demonstration of a sterling character and a right disposition which ,i lost2 for those will be the best in human relations who are most earnest in their dealings with the divine4 ,why1 were it decided that ,i must correct my words and retouch my statue1 ,i should do it not by presuming to take away from it1 but by adding this as its crowning grace4 ,but from another point of view ,i have a great debt of gratitude to acknowledge4 ,i commend your natural modesty1 and your freedom from that vanity and pride which so exalted a position as yours might excuse4 ,the best witness to my correctness is just the exception that you have taken to my words4 ,that instead of receiving the praise ,i offered as your right you should be disturbed at it and call it excessive1 is the proof of your unassuming modesty4 ,nevertheless1 the more you reveal that this is your view of praise1 the stronger proof you give of your own worthiness to be praised4 ,you are an exact illustration of what ,diogenes said when some one asked him how he might become famous3-- #8by despising fame4' ,so if ,i were asked who most deserve praise1 ,i should answer1 ,those who refuse it4 ,but ,i am perhaps straying from the point4 ,what ,i have to defend is the having likened you1 in giving your outward form1 to the ,cnidian and the ,garden ,aphrodite1 to ,hera and ,athene2 such comparisons you find out of all proportion4 ,i will deal directly with them1 then4 ,it has indeed been said long ago that poets and painters are irresponsible2 that is still more true1 ,i conceive1 of panegyrists1 even humble prose ones like myself who are not run away with by their metre4 ,panegyric is a chartered thing1 with no standard quantitative measure to which it must conform2 its one and only aim is to express deep admiration and set its object in the most enviable light4 ,however1 ,i do not intend to take that line of defence2 you might think ,i did so because ,i had no other open4 ,but ,i have4 ,i refer you to the proper formula of panegyric1 which requires the author to introduce illustrations1 and depends mainly on their goodness for success4 ,now this goodness is shown not when the illustration is just like the thing illustrated1 nor yet when it is inferior1 but when it is as high above it as may be4 ,if in praising a dog one should remark that it was bigger than a fox or a cat1 would you regard him as a skilful panegyrist8 certainly not4 ,or if he calls it the equal of a wolf1 he has not made very much of it so either4 ,where is the right thing to be found8 why1 in likening the dog's size and spirit to the lion's4 ,so the poet who would praise ,orion's dog called it the lion-queller4 ,there you have the perfect panegyric of the dog4 ,or take ,milo of ,croton1 ,glaucus of ,carystus1 or ,polydamas2 to say of them by way of panegyric that each of them was stronger than a woman would be to make oneself a laughing-stock2 one man instead of the woman would not much mend matters4 ,but what1 pray1 does a famous poet make of ,glaucus8-- ,to match those hands not e'en the might ,of ,pollux' self had dared2 ,alcmena's son1 that iron wight1 ,had shrunk-- ,see what ,gods he equals him to1 or rather what ,gods he puts him above4 ,and ,glaucus took no exception to being praised at the expense of his art's patron deities2 nor yet did they send any judgement on athlete or poet for irreverence2 both continued to be honoured in ,greece1 one for his might1 and the other for this even more than for his other odes4 ,do not be surprised1 then1 that when ,i wished to conform to the canons of my art and find an illustration1 ,i took an exalted one1 as reason was that ,i should4 ,you used the word flattery4 ,to dislike those who practise it is only what you should do1 and ,i honour you for it4 ,but ,i would have you distinguish between panegyric proper and the flatterer's exaggeration of it4 ,the flatterer praises for selfish ends1 cares little for truth1 and makes it his business to magnify indiscriminately2 most of his effects consist in lying additions of his own2 he thinks nothing of making ,thersites handsomer than ,achilles1 or telling ,nestor he is younger than any of the host2 he will swear ,croesus's son hears better than ,melampus1 and give ,phineus better sight than ,lynceus1 if he sees his way to a profit on the lie4 ,but the panegyrist pure and simple1 instead of lying outright1 or inventing a quality that does not exist1 takes the virtues his subject really does possess1 though possibly not in large measure1 and makes the most of them4 ,the horse is really distinguished among the animals we know for light-footed speed2 well1 in praising a horse1 he will hazard3 ,the corn-stalks brake not #8neath his airy tread4 ,he will not be frightened of #8whirlwind-footed steeds4' ,if his theme is a noble house1 with everything handsome about it1 ,zeus on ,olympus dwells in such a home1 we shall be told4 ,but your flatterer would use that line about the swineherd's hovel1 if he saw a chance of getting anything out of the swineherd4 ,demetrius ,poliorcetes had a flatterer called ,cynaethus who1 when he was gravelled for lack of matter1 found some in a cough that troubled his patron--he cleared his throat so musically6 ,there you have one criterion3 flatterers do not draw the line at a lie if it will please their patrons2 panegyrists aim merely at bringing into relief what really exists4 ,but there is another great difference3 the flatterers exaggerate as much as ever they can2 the panegyrists in the midst of exaggeration observe the limitations of decency4 ,and now that you have one or two of the many tests for flattery and panegyric proper1 ,i hope you will not treat all praise as suspect1 but make distinctions and assign each specimen to its true class4 ,by your leave ,i will proceed to apply the two definitions to what ,i wrote2 which of them fits it8 ,if it had been an ugly woman that ,i likened to the ,cnidian statue1 ,i should deserve to be thought a toady1 further gone in flattery than ,cynaethus4 ,but as it was one for whose charms ,i can call all men to witness1 my shot was not so far out4 ,now you will perhaps say--nay1 you have said already--,praise my beauty1 if you will2 but the praise should not have been of that invidious kind which compares a woman to ,goddesses4 ,well1 ,i will keep truth at arm's length no longer2 ,i did not1 dear lady1 compare you to ,goddesses1 but to the handiwork in marble and bronze and ivory of certain good artists4 ,there is no impiety1 surely1 in illustrating mortal beauty by the work of mortal hands--unless you take the thing that ,phidias fashioned to be indeed ,athene1 or ,praxiteles's not much later work at ,cnidus to be the heavenly ,aphrodite4 ,but would that be quite a worthy conception of divine beings8 ,i take the real presentment of them to be beyond the reach of human imitation4 ,but granting even that it had been the actual ,goddesses to whom ,i likened you1 it would be no new track1 of which ,i had been the pioneer2 it had been trodden before by many a great poet1 most of all by your fellow citizen ,homer1 who will kindly now come and share my defence1 on pain of sharing my sentence4 ,i will ask him1 then--or rather you for him2 for it is one of your merits to have all his finest passages by heart--what think you1 then1 of his saying about the captive ,briseis that in her mourning for ,patroclus she was #8,golden ,aphrodite's peer'8 ,a little further on1 ,aphrodite alone not meeting the case1 it is3 ,so spake that weeping dame1 a match for ,goddesses4 ,when he talks like that1 do you take offence and fling the book away1 or has he your licence to expatiate in panegyric8 ,whether he has yours or not1 he has that of all these centuries1 wherein not a critic has found fault with him for it1 not he that dared to scourge his statue ,footnote3 ,zoilus1 called ,homeromastix41 not he whose marginal pen ,footnote3 ,aristarclius4 bastarded so many of his verses4 ,now1 shall he have leave to match with ,golden ,aphrodite a barbarian woman1 and her in tears1 while ,i1 lest ,i should describe the beauty that you like not to hear of1 am forbidden to compare certain images to a lady who is ever bright and smiling--that beauty which mortals share with ,gods8 ,when he had ,agamemnon in hand1 he was most chary of divine similitudes1 to be sure6 what economy and moderation in his use of them6 ,let us see--eyes and head from ,zeus1 belt from ,ares1 chest from ,posidon2 why1 he deals the man out piecemeal among the host of ,heaven4 ,elsewhere1 ,agamemnon is #8like baleful ,ares'2 others have their heavenly models2 ,priam's son 7a ,phrygian1 mark7 is #8of form divine1' the son of ,peleus is again and again #8a match for ,gods4' ,but let us come back to the feminine instances ,you remember1 of course1 --a match ,for ,artemis or golden ,aphrodite2 and ,like ,artemis adown the mountain slope4 ,but he does not even limit himself to comparing the whole man to a ,god2 ,euphorbus's mere hair is called like the ,graces--when it is dabbled with blood1 too4 ,in fact the practice is so universal that no branch of poetry can do without its ornaments from ,heaven4 ,either let all these be blotted1 or let me have the same licence4 ,moreover1 illustration is so irresponsible that ,homer allows himself to convey his compliments to ,goddesses by using creatures inferior to them4 ,hera is ox-eyed4 ,another poet colours ,aphrodite's eyes from the violet4 ,as for fingers like the rose1 it takes but little of ,homer's society to bring us acquainted with them4 ,still1 so far we do not get beyond mere looks2 a man is only called like a ,god4 ,but think of the wholesale adaptation of their names1 by ,dionysiuses1 ,hephaestions1 ,zenos1 ,posidoniuses1 ,hermaeuses4 ,leto1 wife of ,evagoras1 ,king of ,cyprus1 even dispensed with adaptation2 but her divine namesake1 who could have turned her into stone like ,niobe1 took no offence4 ,what need to mention that the most religious race on earth1 the ,egyptian1 never tires of divine names8 most of those it uses hail from ,heaven4 ,consequently1 there is not the smallest occasion for you to be nervous about the panegyric4 ,if what ,i wrote contains anything offensive to the deity1 you are not responsible1 unless you consider we are responsible for all that goes in at our ears2 no1 ,i shall pay the penalty--as soon as the ,gods have settled with ,homer and the other poets4 ,ah1 and they have not done so yet with the best of all philosophers ,footnote3 ,lucian's #8best of all philosophers' might be ,plato1 who is their spokesman in #8,the ,fisher' 7see ,sections #ad1 #bb71 or ,epicurus1 in the light of two passages in the #8,alexander' 7,sections #dg1 #fa7 in which he almost declares himself an ,epicurean4 ,the exact words are not found in ,plato1 though several similar expressions are quoted2 words of ,epicurus appear to be translated in ,cicero1 ,de nat4 ,deorum1 ,book ,i1 xviii s4 f41 hominis esse specie deos confitendum est3 we must admit that the ,gods are in the image of man41 for saying that man is a likeness of ,god4 ,but now1 though ,i could say much more1 madam1 ,i must have compassion upon ,polystratus's memory1 and cease4 ,poly4 ,i am not so sure ,i am equal to it1 ,lycinus1 as it is4 ,you have made it long1 and exceeded your time limit4 ,however1 ,i will do my best4 ,see1 ,i scurry off with my fingers in my ears1 that no alien sound may find its way in to disturb the arrangement2 ,i do not want to be hissed by my audience4 ,ly4 ,well1 the responsibility for a correct report lies with you alone4 ,and having now duly instructed you1 ,i will retire for the present4 ,but when the verdict is brought into court1 ,i will be there to learn the result4 ,,toxaris3 ,a ,,dialogue ,,of ,,friendship ,mnesippus4 ,toxaris ,mne4 ,now1 ,toxaris3 do you mean to tell me that you people actually sacrifice to ,orestes and ,pylades8 do you take them for ,gods8 ,tox4 ,sacrifice to them8 of course we do4 ,it does not follow that we think they are ,gods3 they were good men4 ,mne4 ,and in ,scythia #8good men' receive sacrifice just the same as ,gods8 ,tox4 ,not only that1 but we honour them with feasts and public gatherings4 ,mne4 ,but what do you expect from them8 ,they are shades now1 so their goodwill can be no object4 ,tox4 ,why1 as to that1 ,i think it may be just as well to have a good understanding even with shades4 ,but that is not all3 in honouring the dead we consider that we are also doing the best we can for the living4 ,our idea is that by preserving the memory of the noblest of mankind1 we induce many people to follow their example4 ,mne4 ,ah1 there you are right4 ,but what could you find to admire in ,orestes and ,pylades1 that you should exalt them to godhead8 ,they were strangers to you3 strangers1 did ,i say8 they were enemies6 ,why1 when they were shipwrecked on your coast1 and your ancestors laid hands on them1 and took them off to be sacrificed to ,artemis1 they assaulted the gaolers1 overpowered the garrison1 slew the king1 carried off the priestess1 laid impious hands on the ,goddess herself1 and so took ship1 snapping their fingers at ,scythia and her laws4 ,if you honour men for this kind of thing1 there will be plenty of people to follow their example1 and you will have your hands full4 ,you may judge for yourselves1 from ancient precedent1 whether it will suit you to have so many ,oresteses and ,pyladeses putting into your ports4 ,it seems to me that it will soon end in your having no religion left at all3 ,god after ,god will be expatriated in the same manner1 and then ,i suppose you will supply their place by deifying their kidnappers1 thus rewarding sacrilege with sacrifice4 ,if this is not your motive in honouring ,orestes and ,pylades1 ,i shall be glad to know what other service they have rendered you1 that you should change your minds about them1 and admit them to divine honours4 ,your ancestors did their best to offer them up to ,artemis3 you offer up victims to them4 ,it seems an absurd inconsistency4 ,tox4 ,now1 in the first place1 the incident you refer to is very much to their credit4 ,think of those two entering on that vast undertaking by themselves3 sailing away from their country to the distant ,euxine ,footnote3 ,see ,euxine in ,notes4--that sea unknown in those days to the ,greeks1 or known only to the ,argonauts--unmoved by the stories they heard of it1 undeterred by the inhospitable name it then bore1 which ,i suppose referred to the savage nations that dwelt upon its shores2 think of their courageous bearing after they were captured2 how escape alone would not serve them1 but they must avenge their wrong upon the king1 and carry ,artemis away over the seas4 ,are not these admirable deeds1 and shall not the doers be counted as ,gods by all who esteem prowess8 ,however1 this is not our motive in giving them divine honours4 ,mne4 ,proceed4 ,what else of godlike and sublime was in their conduct8 ,because from the seafaring point of view1 there are any number of merchants whose divinity ,i will maintain against theirs3 the ,phoenicians1 in particular1 have sailed to every port in ,greek and foreign waters1 let alone the ,euxine1 the ,maeotian ,lake and the ,bosphorus2 year after year they explore every coast1 only returning home at the approach of winter4 ,hucksters though they be for the most part1 and fishmongers1 you must deify them all1 to be consistent4 ,tox4 ,now1 now1 ,mnesippus1 listen to me1 and you shall see how much more candid we barbarians are in our valuation of good men than you ,greeks4 ,in ,argos and ,mycenae there is not so much as a respectable tomb raised to ,orestes and ,pylades3 in ,scythia1 they have their temple1 which is very appropriately dedicated to the two friends in common1 their sacrifices1 and every honour4 ,the fact of their being foreigners does not prevent us from recognizing their virtues4 ,we do not inquire into the nationality of noble souls3 we can hear without envy of the illustrious deeds of our enemies2 we do justice to their merits1 and count them ,scythians in deed if not in name4 ,what particularly excites our reverent admiration in the present case is the unparalleled loyalty of the two friends2 in them we have a model from which every man may learn how he must share good and evil fortune with his friends1 if he would enjoy the esteem of all good ,scythians4 ,the sufferings they endured with and for one another our ancestors recorded on a brazen pillar in the ,oresteum2 and they made it law1 that the education of their children should begin with committing to memory all that is inscribed thereon4 ,more easily shall a child forget his own father's name than be at fault in the achievements of ,orestes and ,pylades4 ,again1 in the temple corridor are pictures by the artists of old1 illustrating the story set forth on the pillar4 ,orestes is first shown on shipboard1 with his friend at his side4 ,next1 the ship has gone to pieces on the rocks2 ,orestes is captured and bound2 already ,iphigenia prepares the two victims for sacrifice4 ,but on the opposite wall we see that ,orestes has broken free2 he slays ,thoas and many a ,scythian2 and the last scene shows them sailing away1 with ,iphigenia and the ,goddess2 the ,scythians clutch vainly at the receding vessel2 they cling to the rudder1 they strive to clamber on board2 at last1 utterly baffled1 they swim back to the shore1 wounded or terrified4 ,it is at this point in their conflict with the ,scythians that the devotion of the friends is best illustrated3 the painter makes each of them disregard his own enemies1 and ward off his friend's assailants1 seeking to intercept the arrows before they can reach him1 and counting lightly of death1 if he can save his friend1 and receive in his own person the wounds that are meant for the other4 ,such devotion1 such loyal and loving partnership in danger1 such true and steadfast affection1 we held to be more than human2 it indicated a spirit not to be found in common men4 ,while the gale is prosperous1 we all take it very much amiss if our friends will not share equally with us3 but let the wind shift ever so little1 and we leave them to weather the storm by themselves4 ,i must tell you that in ,scythia no quality is more highly esteemed than this of friendship2 there is nothing on which a ,scythian prides himself so much as on sharing the toils and dangers of his friend2 just as nothing is a greater reproach among us than treachery to a friend4 ,we honour ,orestes and ,pylades1 then1 because they excelled in the ,scythian virtue of loyalty1 which we place above all others2 and it is for this that we have bestowed on them the name of ,coraci1 which in our language means spirits of friendship4 ,mne4 ,ah1 ,toxaris1 so archery is not the only accomplishment of the ,scythians1 ,i find2 they excel in rhetorical as well as in military skill4 ,you have persuaded me already that you were right in deifying ,orestes and ,pylades1 though ,i thought differently just now4 ,i had no conception1 either1 what a painter you were4 ,your description of the pictures in the ,oresteum was most vivid2--that battle-scene1 and the way in which the two intercepted one another's wounds4 ,only ,i should never have thought that the ,scythians would set such a high value on friendship3 they are such a wild1 inhospitable race2 ,i should have said they had more to do with anger and hatred and enmity than with friendship1 even for their nearest relations1 judging by what one is told2 it is said1 for instance1 that they devour their fathers' corpses4 ,tox4 ,well1 which of the two is the more dutiful and pious in general1 ,greek or ,scythian1 we will not discuss just now3 but that we are more loyal friends than you1 and that we treat friendship more seriously1 is easily shown4 ,now please do not be angry with me1 in the name of all your ,gods3 but ,i am going to mention a few points ,i have observed during my stay in this country4 ,i can see that you are all admirably well qualified to talk about friendship3 but when it comes to putting your words into practice1 there is a considerable falling off2 it is enough for you to have demonstrated what an excellent thing friendship is1 and somehow or other1 at the critical moment1 you make off1 and leave your fine words to look after themselves4 ,similarly1 when your tragedians represent this subject on the stage1 you are loud in your applause2 the spectacle of one friend risking his life for another generally brings tears to your eyes3 but you are quite incapable of rendering any such signal services yourselves2 once let your friends get into difficulties1 and all those tragic reminiscences take wing like so many dreams2 you are then the very image of the silent mask which the actor has thrown aside3 its mouth is open to its fullest extent1 but not a syllable does it utter4 ,it is the other way with us3 we are as much superior to you in the practice of friendship1 as we are inferior in expounding the theory of it4 ,now1 what do you say to this proposal8 let us leave out of the question all the cases of ancient friendship that either of us might enumerate 7there you would have the advantage of me3 you could produce all the poets on your side1 most credible of witnesses1 with their ,achilles and ,patroclus1 their ,theseus and ,pirithous1 and others1 all celebrated in the most charming verses72 and instead let each of us advance a few instances of devotion that have occurred within his own experience1 among our respective countrymen2 these we will relate in detail1 and whoever can show the best friendships is the winner1 and announces his country as victorious4 ,mighty issues are at stake3 ,i for my part would rather be worsted in single combat1 and lose my right hand1 as the ,scythian custom is1 than yield to any man on the question of friendship1 above all to a ,greek2 for am ,i not a ,scythian8 ,mne4 ,i have got my work cut out for me1 if ,i am to engage an old soldier like ,toxaris1 with a whole arsenal of keen words at his command4 ,well1 ,i am not such a craven as to decline the challenge1 when my country's honour is at stake4 ,could those two overcome the host of ,scythians represented in the legend1 and in the ancient pictures you have just described so impressively1--and shall ,greece1 her peoples and her cities1 be condemned for want of one to plead her cause8 ,strange indeed1 if that were so2 ,i should deserve to lose not my hand like you1 but my tongue4 ,well now1 is the number of friendships to be limited1 or does wealth of instances itself constitute one claim to superiority8 ,tox4 ,oh no2 number counts for nothing1 that must be understood4 ,we have the same number1 and it is simply a question whether yours are better and more pointed than mine2 if they are1 of course1 the wounds you inflict will be the more deadly1 and ,i shall be the first to succumb4 ,mne4 ,very well4 ,let us fix the number3 ,i say five each4 ,tox4 ,five be it1 and you begin4 ,but you must be sworn first3 because the subject naturally lends itself to fictitious treatment2 there is no checking anything4 ,when you have sworn1 it would be impious to doubt your word4 ,mne4 ,very well1 if you think it necessary4 ,have you any preference among our ,gods8 ,how would the ,god of ,friendship meet the case8 ,tox4 ,excellently2 and when my turn comes1 ,i will employ the national oath of the ,scythians4 ,mne4 ,zeus the ,god of ,friendship be my witness1 that all ,i shall now relate is derived either from my own experience1 or from such careful inquiry as ,i was able to make of others2 and is free from all imaginative additions of my own4 ,i will begin with1 the friendship of ,agathocles and ,dinias4 ,the story is well known in ,ionia4 ,this ,agathocles was a native of ,samos1 and lived not many years ago4 ,though his conduct showed him to be the best of friends1 he was of no better family and in no better circumstances than the generality of the ,samians4 ,from boyhood he had been the friend of ,dinias1 the son of ,lyson1 an ,ephesian4 ,dinias1 it seems1 was enormously wealthy1 and as his wealth was newly acquired1 it is not to be wondered at that he had plenty of acquaintances besides ,agathocles2 persons who were quite qualified to share his pleasures1 and to be his boon-companions1 but who were very far indeed from being friends4 ,for some time ,agathocles--little as he cared for such a life--played his convivial part with the rest1 ,dinias making no distinction between him and the parasites4 ,finally1 however1 he took to finding fault with his friend's conduct1 and gave great offence3 his continual allusions to ,dinias's ancestry1 and his exhortations to him to husband the fortune which had cost his father such labour to acquire1 seemed to his friend to be in indifferent taste4 ,he gave up asking ,agathocles to join in his revels1 contented himself with the company of his parasites1 and sought to elude his friend's observation4 ,well1 the misguided youth was presently persuaded by his flatterers that he had made a conquest of ,chariclea1 the wife of ,demonax1 an eminent ,ephesian1 holding the highest office in that city4 ,he was kept well supplied with billets-doux1 half-faded flowers1 bitten apples1 and all the stock-in-trade of those intriguing dames whose business it is to fan an artificial passion that vanity has inspired4 ,there is no more seductive bait to young men who value themselves on their personal attractions1 than the belief that they have made an impression2 they are sure to fall into the trap4 ,chariclea was a charming little woman1 but sadly wanting in reserve3 any one might enjoy her favours1 and on the easiest of terms2 the most casual glance was sure to meet with encouragement2 there was never any fear of a repulse from ,chariclea4 ,with more than professional skill1 she could draw on a hesitating lover till his subjugation was complete3 then1 when she was sure of him1 she had a variety of devices for inflaming his passion3 she could storm1 and she could flatter2 and flattery would be succeeded by contempt1 or by a feigned preference for his rival2--in short1 her resources were infinite2 she was armed against her lovers at every point4 ,this was the lady whom ,dinias's parasites now associated with them2 they played their subordinate part well1 and between them fairly hustled the boy into a passion for ,chariclea4 ,such a finished mistress of the art of perdition1 who had ruined plenty of victims before1 and acted love-scenes and swallowed fine fortunes without number1 was not likely to let this simple inexperienced youth out of her clutches3 she struck her talons into him on every side1 and secured her quarry so effectually1 that she was involved in his destruction1--to say nothing of the miseries of the hapless victim4 ,she got to work at once with the billets-doux4 ,her maid was for ever coming with news of tears and sleepless nights3 #8her poor mistress was ready to hang herself for love4' ,the ingenuous youth was at length driven to conclude that his attractions were too much for the ladies of ,ephesus2 he yielded to the girl's entreaties1 and waited upon her mistress4 ,the rest1 of course1 was easy4 ,how was he to resist this pretty woman1 with her captivating manners1 her well-timed tears1 her parenthetic sighs8 ,lingering farewells1 joyful welcomes1 judicious airs and graces1 song and lyre1--all were brought to bear upon him4 ,dinias was soon a lost man1 over head and ears in love2 and ,chariclea prepared to give the finishing stroke4 ,she informed him that he was about to become a father1 which was enough in itself to inflame the amorous simpleton2 and she discontinued her visits to him2 her husband1 she said1 had discovered her passion1 and was watching her4 ,this was altogether too much for ,dinias3 he was inconsolable2 wept1 sent messages by his parasites1 flung his arms about her statue--a marble one which he had had made--1 shrieked forth her name in loud lamentation1 and finally threw himself down upon the ground and rolled about in a positive frenzy4 ,her apples and her flowers drew forth presents which were on quite another scale of munificence3 houses and farms1 servants1 exquisite fabrics1 and gold to any extent4 ,to make a long story short1 the house of ,lyson1 which had the reputation of being the wealthiest in ,ionia1 was quite cleared out4 ,no sooner was this the case1 than ,chariclea abandoned ,dinias1 and went off in pursuit of a certain golden youth of ,crete1 irresistible as he1 and not less gullible4 ,deserted alike by her and by his parasites 7who followed the chase of the fortunate ,cretan71 ,dinias presented himself before ,agathocles1 who had long been aware of his friend's situation4 ,he swallowed his first feelings of embarrassment1 and made a clean breast of it all3 his love1 his ruin1 his mistress's disdain1 his ,cretan rival2 and ended by protesting that without ,chariclea he could not live4 ,agathocles did not think it necessary to remind ,dinias just then how he alone had been excluded from his friendship1 and how parasites had been preferred to him3 instead1 he went off and sold his family residence in ,samos--the only property he possessed--and brought him the proceeds1 #gej pounds4 ,dinias had no sooner received the money1 than it became evident that he had somehow recovered his good looks1 in the opinion of ,chariclea3 once more the maid-servant and the notes1 with reproaches for his long neglect2 once more1 too1 the throng of parasites2 they saw that there were still pickings to be had4 ,dinias arrived at her house1 by agreement1 at about bedtime1 and was already inside1 when ,demonax--whether he had an understanding with his wife in the matter1 as some say1 or had got his information independently--sprang out from concealment1 gave orders to his servants to make the door fast and to secure ,dinias1 and then drew his sword1 breathing fire and flagellation against the paramour4 ,dinias1 realizing his danger1 caught up a heavy bar that lay near1 and dispatched ,demonax with a blow on the temple2 then1 turning to ,chariclea1 he dealt blow after blow with the same weapon1 and finally plunged her husband's sword into her body4 ,the domestics stood by1 dumb with amazement and terror2 and when at length they attempted to seize him1 he rushed at them with the sword1 put them to flight1 and slipped away from the fatal scene4 ,the rest of that night he and ,agathocles spent at the latter's house1 pondering on the deed and its probable consequences4 ,the news soon spread1 and in the morning officers came to arrest ,dinias4 ,he made no attempt to deny the murder1 and was conducted into the presence of the then ,prefect of ,asia1 who sent him up to the ,emperor4 ,he presently returned1 under sentence of perpetual banishment to ,gyarus1 one of the ,cyclades4 ,all this time1 ,agathocles had never left his side3 with unfaltering devotion1 he accompanied him to ,italy1 and was the only friend who stood by him in his trial4 ,and now even in his banishment he would not desert him1 but condemned himself to share the sentence2 and when the necessaries of life failed them1 he hired himself out as a diver in the purple-fishery1 and with the proceeds of his industry supported ,dinias and tended him in his sickness till the end4 ,even when all was over1 he would not return to his own home1 but remained on the island1 thinking it shame even in death to desert his friend4 ,there you have the history of a ,greek friendship1 and one of recent date2 ,i think it can scarcely be as much as five years ago that ,agathocles died on ,gyarus4 ,tox4 ,i wish ,i were at liberty to doubt the truth of your story3 but alas6 you speak under oath4 ,your ,agathocles is a truly ,scythian friend2 ,i only hope there are no more of the same kind to come4 ,mne4 ,see what you think of the next--,euthydicus of ,chalcidice4 ,i heard his story from ,simylus1 a shipmaster of ,megara1 who vowed that he had been an eyewitness of what he related4 ,he set sail from ,italy about the setting of the ,pleiads1 bound for ,athens1 with a miscellaneous shipload of passengers1 among whom were ,euthydicus and his comrade ,damon1 also of ,chalcidice4 ,they were of about the same age4 ,euthydicus was a powerful man1 in robust health2 ,damon was pale and weakly1 and looked as if he were just recovering from a long illness4 ,they had a good voyage as far as ,sicily3 but they had no sooner passed through the ,straits into the ,ionian ,sea1 than a tremendous storm overtook them4 ,i need not detain you with descriptions of mountainous billows and whirlwinds and hail and the other adjuncts of a storm3 suffice it to say1 that they were compelled to take in all sail1 and trail cables after them to break the force of the waves1 and in this way made ,zacynthus by about midnight4 ,at this point ,damon1 being seasick1 as was natural in such a heavy sea1 was leaning over the side1 when 7as ,i suppose7 an unusually violent lurch of the vessel in his direction1 combining with the rush of water across the deck1 hurled him headlong into the sea4 ,the poor wretch was not even naked1 or he might have had a chance of swimming3 it was all he could do to keep himself above water1 and get out a cry for help4 ,euthydicus was lying in his berth undressed4 ,he heard the cry1 flung himself into the sea1 and succeeded in overtaking the exhausted ,damon2 and a powerful moonlight enabled those on deck to see him swimming at his side for a considerable distance1 and supporting him4 #8,we all felt for them1' said ,simylus1 #8and longed to give them some assistance1 but the gale was too much for us3 we did1 however1 throw out a number of corks and spars on the chance of their getting hold of some of them1 and being carried to shore2 and finally we threw over the gangway1 which was of some size4'--,now only think3 could any man give a surer proof of affection1 than by throwing himself into a furious sea like that to share the death of his friend8 ,picture to yourself the surging billows1 the roar of crashing waters1 the hissing foam1 the darkness1 the hopeless prospect3 look at ,damon1--he is at his last gasp1 he barely keeps himself up1 he holds out his hands imploringly to his friend3 and lastly look at ,euthydicus1 as he leaps into the water1 and swims by his side1 with only one thought in his mind1--,damon must not be the first to perish2--and you will see that ,euthydicus too was no bad friend4 ,tox4 ,i tremble for their fate3 were they drowned1 or did some miraculous providence deliver them8 ,mne4 ,oh1 they were saved all right2 and they are in ,athens at this day1 both of them1 studying philosophy4 ,simylus's story closes with the events of the night3 ,damon has fallen overboard1 ,euthydicus has jumped in to his rescue1 and the pair are left swimming about till they are lost in the darkness4 ,euthydicus himself tells the rest4 ,it seems that first they came across some pieces of cork1 which helped to support them2 and they managed with much ado to keep afloat1 till about dawn they saw the gangway1 swam up to it1 clambered on1 and were carried to ,zacynthus without further trouble4 ,these1 ,i think1 are passable instances of friendship2 and my third is no way inferior to them1 as you shall hear4 ,eudamidas of ,corinth1 though he was himself in very narrow circumstances1 had two friends who were well-to-do1 ,aretaeus his fellow townsman1 and ,charixenus of ,sicyon4 ,when ,eudamidas died1 he left a will behind him which ,i dare say would excite most people's ridicule3 but what the generous ,toxaris1 with his respect for friendship and his ambition to secure its highest honours for his country1 may think of the matter1 is another question4 ,the terms of the will--but first ,i should explain that ,eudamidas left behind him an aged mother and a daughter of marriageable years2--the will1 then1 was as follows3 ,to ,aretaeus ,i bequeath my mother1 to tend and to cherish in her old age3 and to ,charixenus my daughter1 to give in marriage with such dowry as his circumstances will admit of3 and should anything befall either of the legatees1 then let his portion pass to the survivor4 ,the reading of this will caused some merriment among the hearers1 who knew of ,eudamidas's poverty1 but did not know anything of the friendship existing between him and his heirs4 ,they went off much tickled at the handsome legacy that ,aretaeus and ,charixenus 7lucky dogs67 had come in for3 #8,eudamidas1' as they expressed it1 #8was apparently to have a death- interest in the property of the legatees4' ,however1 the latter had no sooner heard the will read1 than they proceeded to execute the testator's intentions4 ,charixenus only survived ,eudamidas by five days3 but ,aretaeus1 most generous of heirs1 accepted the double bequest1 is supporting the aged mother at this day1 and has only lately given the daughter in marriage1 allowing to her and to his own daughter portions of #ejj pounds each1 out of his whole property of #a1bej pounds2 the two marriages were arranged to take place on the same day4 ,what do you think of him1 ,toxaris8 ,this is something like friendship1 is it not1--to accept such a bequest as this1 and to show such respect for a friend's last wishes8 ,may we pass this as one of my five8 ,tox4 ,excellent as was the behaviour of ,aretaeus1 ,i admire still more ,eudamidas's confidence in his friends4 ,it shows that he would have done as much for them2 even if nothing had been said about it in their wills1 he would have been the first to come forward and claim the inheritance as natural heir4 ,mne4 ,very true4 ,and now ,i come to ,number ,four--,zenothemis of ,massilia1 son of ,charmoleos4 ,he was pointed out to me when ,i was in ,italy on public business3 a fine1 handsome man1 and to all appearance well off4 ,but by his side 7he was just driving away on a journey7 sat his wife1 a woman of most repulsive appearance2 all her right side was withered2 she had lost one eye2 in short1 she was a positive fright4 ,i expressed my surprise that a man in the prime of manly beauty should endure to have such a woman seated by him4 ,my informant1 who was a ,massiliot himself1 and knew how the marriage had come about1 gave me all the particulars4 #8,the father of this unsightly woman1' he said1 #8was ,menecrates2 and he and ,zenothemis were friends in days when both were men of wealth and rank4 ,the property of ,menecrates1 however1 was afterwards confiscated by the ,six ,hundred1 and he himself disfranchised1 on the ground that he had proposed an unconstitutional measure2 this being the regular penalty in ,massilia for such offences4 ,the sentence was in itself a heavy blow to ,menecrates1 and it was aggravated by the sudden change from wealth to poverty and from honour to dishonour4 ,but most of all he was troubled about this daughter3 she was now eighteen years old1 and it was time that he found her a husband2 yet with her unfortunate appearance it was not probable that any one1 however poor or obscure1 would have taken her1 even with all the wealth her father had possessed previous to his sentence2 it was said1 too1 that she was subject to fits at every increase of the moon4 ,he was bewailing his hard lot to ,zenothemis1 when the latter interrupted him3 8,menecrates10 he said1 8be sure that you shall want for nothing1 and that your daughter shall find a match suitable to her rank40 ,so saying1 he took his friend by the hand1 brought him into his house1 assigned him a share of his great wealth1 and ordered a banquet to be prepared1 at which he entertained ,menecrates and his friends1 giving the former to understand that he had prevailed upon one of his acquaintance to marry the girl4 ,when dinner was over1 and libations had been poured to the ,gods1 ,zenothemis filled a goblet and passed it to ,menecrates3 8,accept10 he cried1 8from your son-in-law the cup of friendship4 ,this day ,i wed your daughter ,cydimache4 ,the dowry ,i have had long since2 #fj1jjj pounds was the sum40 8,you80 exclaimed ,menecrates2 8,heaven forbid that ,i should be so mad as to suffer you1 in the pride of your youth1 to be yoked to this unfortunate girl60 ,but even while he spoke1 ,zenothemis was conducting his bride to the marriage-chamber1 and presently returned to announce that she was his wedded wife4 ,since that day1 he has lived with her on the most affectionate terms2 and you see for yourself that he takes her about with him wherever he goes4 ,as to his being ashamed of his wife1 one would rather #bf suppose that he was proud of her2 and his conduct in this respect shows how lightly he esteems beauty and wealth and reputation1 in comparison with friendship and his friend2 for ,menecrates is not less his friend because the ,six ,hundred have condemned him4 ,to be sure1 ,fortune has already given him one compensation3 his ugly wife has borne him a most beautiful child4 ,only a few days ago1 he carried his child into the ,senate-house1 crowned with an olive-wreath1 and dressed in black1 to excite the pity of the senators on his grandfather's behalf3 the babe smiled upon them1 and clapped his little hands together1 which so moved the senators that they repealed the sentence against ,menecrates1 who is now reinstated in his rights1 thanks to the pleadings of his tiny advocate4' ,such was the ,massiliot's story4 ,as you see1 it was no slight service that ,zenothemis rendered to his friend2 ,i fancy there are not many ,scythians who would do the same2 they are said to be very nice even in their selection of concubines4 ,i have still one friend to produce1 and ,i think none is more worthy of remembrance than ,demetrius of ,sunium4 ,he and ,antiphilus of the deme of ,alopece had been playmates in their childhood1 and grown up side by side4 ,they subsequently took ship for ,egypt1 and carried on their studies there together1 ,demetrius practising the ,cynic philosophy under the famous sophist of ,rhodes1 while ,antiphilus1 it seems1 was to be a doctor4 ,well1 on one occasion ,demetrius had gone up country to see the ,pyramids1 and the statue of ,memnon4 ,he had heard it said that the ,pyramids in spite of their great height cast no shadow1 and that a sound proceeded from the statue at sunrise3 all this he wished to see and hear for himself1 and he had now been away up the ,nile six months4 ,during his absence1 ,antiphilus1 who had remained behind 7not liking the idea of the heat and the long journey71 became involved in troubles which required all the assistance that faithful friendship could have rendered4 ,he had a ,syrian slave1 whose name was also ,syrus4 ,this man had made common cause with a number of temple-robbers1 had forced his way with them into the temple of ,anubis1 and robbed the ,god of a pair of golden cups1 a caduceus1 also of gold1 some silver images of ,cynocephali and other treasures2 all of which the rest entrusted to ,syrus's charge4 ,later on they were caught trying to dispose of some of their booty1 and were taken up2 and being put on the rack1 immediately confessed the whole truth4 ,they were accordingly conducted to ,antiphilus's house1 where they produced the stolen treasure from a dark corner under a bed4 ,syrus was immediately arrested1 and his master ,antiphilus with him3 the latter being dragged away from the very presence of his teacher during lecture- time4 ,there was none to help him3 his former acquaintances turned their backs on the desecrator of ,anubis's temple1 and made it a matter of conscience that they had ever sat at the same table with him4 ,as to his other two servants1 they got together all his belongings1 and ran off4 ,antiphilus had now lain long in captivity4 ,he was looked upon as the vilest criminal of all in the prison2 and the native gaoler1 a superstitious man1 considered that he was avenging the ,god's wrongs and securing his favour by harsh treatment of ,antiphilus4 ,his attempts to clear himself of the charge of sacrilege only served to set him in the light of a hardened offender1 and materially to increase the detestation in which he was held4 ,his health was beginning to give way under the strain1 and no wonder3 his bed was the bare ground1 and all night he was unable so much as to stretch his legs1 which were then secured in the stocks2 in the daytime1 the collar and one manacle sufficed1 but at night he had to submit to being bound hand and foot4 ,the stench1 too1 and the closeness of the dungeon1 in which so many prisoners were huddled together gasping for breath1 and the difficulty of getting any sleep1 owing to the clanking of chains1--all combined to make the situation intolerable to one who was quite unaccustomed to endure such hardships4 ,at last1 when ,antiphilus had given up all hope1 and refused to take any nourishment1 ,demetrius arrived1 ignorant of all that had passed in his absence4 ,he no sooner learnt the truth1 than he flew to the prison4 ,it was now evening1 and he was refused admittance1 the gaoler having long since bolted the door and retired to rest1 leaving his slaves to keep guard4 ,morning came1 and after many entreaties he was allowed to enter4 ,suffering had altered ,antiphilus beyond recognition1 and for long ,demetrius sought him in vain3 like men who seek their slain relatives on the day after a battle1 when death has already changed them1 he went from prisoner to prisoner1 examining each in turn2 and had he not called on ,antiphilus by name1 it would have been long before he could have recognized him1 so great was the change that misery had wrought4 ,antiphilus heard the voice1 and uttered a cry2 then1 as his friend approached1 he brushed the dry matted hair from his face1 and revealed his identity4 ,at the unexpected sight of one another1 the two friends instantly fell down in a swoon4 ,but presently ,demetrius recovered1 and raised ,antiphilus from the ground3 he obtained from him an exact account of all that had happened1 and bade him be of good cheer2 then1 tearing his cloak in two1 he threw one half over himself1 and gave the other to his friend1 first ripping off the squalid1 threadbare rags in which he was clothed4 ,from that hour1 ,demetrius was unfailing in his attendance4 ,from early morning till noon1 he hired himself out as a porter to the merchants in the harbour1 and thus made a considerable wage4 ,returning to the prison when his work was over1 he would give a part of his earnings to the gaoler1 thus securing his obsequious goodwill1 and the rest sufficed him amply for supplying his friend's needs4 ,for the remainder of the day1 he would stay by ,antiphilus1 administering consolation to him2 and at nightfall made himself a litter of leaves near the prison door1 and there took his rest4 ,so things went on for some time1 ,demetrius having free entrance to the prison1 and ,antiphilus's misery being much alleviated thereby4 ,but presently a certain robber died in the gaol1 apparently from the effects of poison2 a strict watch was kept1 and admittance was refused to all applicants alike1 to the great distress of ,demetrius1 who could think of no other means of obtaining access to his friend than by going to the ,prefect and professing complicity in the temple robbery4 ,as the result of this declaration1 he was immediately led off to prison1 and with great difficulty prevailed upon the gaoler after many entreaties to place him next to ,antiphilus1 and under the same collar4 ,it was now that his devotion to his friend appeared in the strongest light4 ,ill though he was himself1 he thought nothing of his own sufferings3 his only care was to lighten the affliction of his friend1 and to procure him as much rest as possible2 and the companionship in misery certainly lightened their load4 ,finally an event happened which brought their misfortunes to an end4 ,one of the prisoners had somehow got hold of a file4 ,he took a number of the others into his confidence1 filed through the chain which held them together by means of their collars1 and set all at liberty4 ,the guards being few were easily slain2 and the prisoners burst out of the gaol en masse4 ,they then scattered1 and each took refuge for the moment where he could1 most of them being subsequently recaptured4 ,demetrius and ,antiphilus1 however1 remained in the prison1 and even secured ,syrus when he was about to escape4 ,the next morning the ,prefect1 hearing what had happened1 sent men in pursuit of the other prisoners1 and ,demetrius and ,antiphilus1 being summoned to his presence1 were released from their fetters1 and commended for not having run away like the rest4 ,the friends1 however1 declined to accept their dismissal on such terms3 ,demetrius protested loudly against the injustice which would be done to them if they were to pass for criminals1 who owed their discharge to mercy1 or to their discretion in not having run away4 ,they insisted that the judge should examine carefully into the facts of their case4 ,he at length did so2 and was convinced of their innocence1 did justice to their characters1 and1 with a warm commendation of ,demetrius's conduct1 dismissed them2 but not before he had expressed his regret at the unjust sentence under which they had suffered1 and made each of them a present from his own purse1--#djj pounds to ,antiphilus1 and twice that sum to ,demetrius4 ,antiphilus is still in ,egypt at the present time1 but ,demetrius went off to ,india to visit the ,brahmins1 leaving his #hjj pounds with ,antiphilus4 ,he could now1 he said1 leave his friend with a clear conscience4 ,his own wants were simple1 and as long as they continued so1 he had no need of money3 on the other hand1 ,antiphilus1 in his present easy circumstances1 had as little need of a friend4 ,see1 ,toxaris1 what a ,greek friend can do6 ,you were so hard just now upon our rhetorical vanity1 that ,i forbear to give you the admirable pleadings of ,demetrius in court3 not one word did he say in his own behalf2 all was for ,antiphilus2 he wept and implored1 and sought to take all the guilt upon himself2 till at last the confession of ,syrus under torture cleared them both4 ,these loyal friends whose stories ,i have related were the first that occurred to my memory2 where ,i have given five instances1 ,i might have given fifty4 ,and now ,i am silent3 it is your turn to speak4 ,i need not tell you to make the most of your ,scythians1 and bring them out triumphant if you can3 you will do that for your own sake1 if you set any value on that right hand of yours4 ,quit you1 then1 like a man4 ,you would look foolish if1 after your truly professional panegyric of ,orestes and ,pylades1 your art were to fail you in your country's need4 ,tox4 ,i honour you for your disinterested encouragement3 apparently you are under no uneasiness as to the loss of your tongue1 in the event of my winning4 ,well1 ,i will begin3 and you will get no flowery language from me2 it is not our ,scythian way1 especially when the deeds we handle dwarf description4 ,be prepared for something very different from the subjects of your own eulogy3 here will be no marryings of ugly and dowerless women1 no five- hundred-pound-portionings of friends' daughters1 nor even surrenderings of one's person to gaolers1 with the certain prospect of a speedy release4 ,these are very cheap manifestations2 the lofty1 the heroic1 is altogether wanting4 ,i have to speak of blood and war and death for friendship's sake2 you will learn that all you have related is child's-play1 when compared with the deeds of the ,scythians4 ,after all1 it is natural enough3 what should you do but admire these trifles8 ,living in the midst of peace1 you have no scope for the exhibition of an exalted friendship1 just as in a calm we cannot tell a good pilot from a bad2 we must wait till a storm comes2 then we know4 ,we1 on the contrary1 live in a state of perpetual warfare1 now invading1 now receding1 now contending for pasturage or booty4 ,there is the true sphere of friendship2 and there is the reason that its ties among us are drawn so close2 friendship we hold to be the one invincible1 irresistible weapon4 ,but before ,i begin1 ,i should like to describe to you our manner of making friends4 ,friendships are not formed with us1 as with you1 over the wine-cups1 nor are they determined by considerations of age or neighbourhood4 ,we wait till we see a brave man1 capable of valiant deeds1 and to him we all turn our attention4 ,friendship with us is like courtship with you3 rather than fail of our object1 and undergo the disgrace of a rejection1 we are content to urge our suit patiently1 and to give our constant attendance4 ,at length a friend is accepted1 and the engagement is concluded with our most solemn oath3 #8to live together and if need be to die for one another4' ,that vow is faithfully kept3 once let the friends draw blood from their fingers into a cup1 dip the points of their swords therein1 and drink of that draught together1 and from that moment nothing can part them4 ,such a treaty of friendship may include three persons1 but no more3 a man of many friends we consider to be no better than a woman who is at the service of every lover2 we feel no further security in a friendship that is divided between so many objects4 ,i will commence with the recent story of ,dandamis4 ,in our conflict with the ,sauromatae1 ,dandamis's friend ,amizoces had been taken captive1--oh1 but first ,i must take the ,scythian oath1 as we agreed at the start4 ,i swear by ,wind and ,scimetar that ,i will speak nothing but truth of the ,scythian friendships4 ,mne4 ,you need not have troubled to swear1 as far as ,i am concerned4 ,however1 you showed judgement in not swearing by a ,god4 ,tox4 ,what can you mean8 ,wind and ,scimetar not ,gods8 ,are you now to learn that life and death are the highest considerations among mankind8 ,when we swear by ,wind and ,scimetar1 we do so because ,wind is the cause of life and ,scimetar of death4 ,mne4 ,on that principle1 you get a good many other ,gods besides ,scimetar1 and as good as he3 there is ,arrow1 and ,spear1 and ,hemlock1 and ,halter1 and so on4 ,death is a ,god who assumes many shapes2 numberless are the roads that lead into his presence4 ,tox4 ,now you are just trying to spoil my story with these quibbling objections4 ,i gave you a fair hearing4 ,mne4 ,you are quite right1 ,toxaris2 it shall not occur again1 be easy on that score4 ,i'll be so quiet1 you would never know ,i was here at all4 ,tox4 ,four days after ,dandamis and ,amizoces had shared the cup of blood1 the ,sauromatae invaded our territory with #aj1jjj horse1 their infantry being estimated at three times that number4 ,the invasion was unexpected1 and we were completely routed2 many of our warriors were slain1 and the rest taken captive1 with the exception of a few who managed to swim across to the opposite bank of the river1 on which half our host was encamped1 with a part of the waggons4 ,the reason of this arrangement ,i do not know2 but our leaders had seen good to divide our camp between the two banks of the ,tanais4 ,the enemy at once set to work to secure their booty and collect the captives2 they plundered the camp1 and took possession of the waggons1 most of them with their occupants2 and we had the mortification of seeing our wives and concubines mishandled before our very eyes4 ,amizoces was among the prisoners1 and while he was being dragged along he called upon his friend by name1 to witness his captivity and to remember the cup of blood4 ,dandamis heard him1 and without a moment's delay plunged into the river in the sight of all1 and swam across to the enemy4 ,the ,sauromatae rushed upon him1 and were about to transfix him with their raised javelins1 when he raised the cry of ,zirin4 ,the man who pronounces that word is safe from their weapons3 it indicates that he is the bearer of ransom1 and he is received accordingly4 ,being conducted into the presence of their chief1 he demanded the liberation of ,amizoces1 and was told in reply1 that his friend would only be released upon payment of a high ransom4 #8,all that was once mine1' said ,dandamis1 #8has become your booty3 but if one who is stripped of all can have anything yet left to give1 it is at your disposal4 ,name your terms3 take me1 if you will1 in his place1 and use me as seems best to you4' #8,to detain the person of one who comes with the ,zirin on his lips is out of the question3 but you may take back your friend on paying me a part of your possessions4' #8,what will you have8' asked ,dandamis4 #8,your eyes1' was the reply4 ,dandamis submitted3 his eyes were plucked out1 and the ,sauromatae had their ransom4 ,he returned leaning on his friend1 and they swam across together1 and reached us in safety4 ,there was comfort for all of us in this act of ,dandamis4 ,our defeat1 it seemed1 was no defeat1 after all3 our most precious possessions had escaped the hands of our enemies2 loyal friendship1 noble resolution1 these were still our own4 ,on the ,sauromatae it had the contrary effect3 they did not at all like the idea of engaging with such determined adversaries on equal terms2 gaining an advantage of them by means of a surprise was quite another matter4 ,the end of it was1 that when night came on they left behind the greater part of the herds1 burnt the waggons1 and beat a hasty retreat4 ,as for ,amizoces1 he could not endure to see1 when ,dandamis was blind3 he blinded himself1 and the two now sit at home1 supported in all honour at the public expense4 ,can you match that1 friend8 ,i think not1 though ,i should give you ten new chances on the top of your five2 ay1 and release you from your oath1 too1 for that matter1 leaving you free to exaggerate as much as you choose4 ,besides1 ,i have given you just the bare facts4 ,now1 if you had been telling ,dandamis's story1 what embroidery we should have had6 ,the supplications of ,dandamis1 the blinding process1 his remarks on the occasion1 the circumstances of his return1 the effusive greetings of the ,scythians1 and all the ad captandum artifices that you ,greeks understand so well4 ,and now let me introduce you to another friend1 not inferior to ,dandamis1--a cousin of ,amizoces1 ,belitta by name4 ,belitta was once hunting with his friend ,basthes1 when the latter was torn from his horse by a lion4 ,already the brute had fallen upon him1 and was clutching him by the throat and beginning to tear him to pieces1 when ,belitta1 leaping to earth1 rushed upon him from behind1 and attempted to drag him off1 and to turn his rage upon himself1 thrusting his hands into the brute's mouth1 and doing his best to extricate ,basthes from those teeth4 ,he succeeded at last3 the lion1 abandoning his half dead prey1 turned upon ,belitta1 grappled with him1 and slew him2 but not before ,belitta had plunged a scimetar into his breast4 ,thus all three died together2 and we buried them1 the two friends in one grave1 the lion in another close by4 ,for my third instance1 ,i shall give you the friendship of ,macentes1 ,lonchates1 and ,arsacomas4 ,this ,arsacomas had been on a visit to ,leucanor1 king of ,bosphorus1 in connexion with the tribute annually paid to us by that country1 which tribute was then three months overdue2 and while there he had fallen in love with ,mazaea1 the king's daughter4 ,mazaea was an extremely fine woman1 and ,arsacomas1 seeing her at the king's table1 had been much smitten with her charms4 ,the question of the tribute was at length settled1 ,arsacomas had his answer1 and the king was now entertaining him prior to his departure4 ,it is the custom for suitors in that country to make their proposals at table1 stating at the same time their qualifications4 ,now in the present case there were a number of suitors--kings and sons of kings1 among whom were ,tigrapates the prince of the ,lazi and ,adyrmachus the chief of the ,machlyans4 ,what each suitor has to do is1 first to declare his intentions1 and quietly take his seat at table with the rest2 then1 when dinner is over1 he calls for a goblet1 pours libation upon the table1 and makes his proposal for the lady's hand1 saying whatever he can for himself in the way of birth1 wealth1 and dominion4 ,many suitors1 then1 had already preferred their request in due form1 enumerating their realms and possessions1 when at last ,arsacomas called for a cup4 ,he did not make a libation1 because it is not the ,scythian custom to do so2 we should consider it an insult to ,heaven to pour away good wine3 instead1 he drank it all off at one draught1 and then addressed the king4 #8,sire1' he said1 #8give me your daughter ,mazaea to wife3 if wealth and possessions count for anything1 ,i am a fitter husband for her than these4' ,leucanor was surprised3 he knew that ,arsacomas was but a poor commoner among the ,scythians4 #8,what herds1 what waggons have you1 ,arsacomas8' he asked2 #8these are the wealth of your people4' #8,waggons and herds ,i have none1' was ,arsacomas's reply3 #8but ,i have two excellent friends1 whose like you will not find in all ,scythia4' ,his answer only excited ridicule2 it was attributed to drunkenness1 and no further notice was taken of him4 ,adyrmachus was preferred to the other suitors1 and was to take his bride away the next morning to his ,maeotian home4 ,arsacomas on his return informed his friends of the slight that had been put upon him by the king1 and of the ridicule to which he had been subjected on account of his supposed poverty4 #8,and yet1' he added1 #8,i told him of my wealth3 told him that ,i had the friendship of ,lonchates and ,macentes1 a more precious and more lasting possession than his kingdom of ,bosphorus4 ,but he made light of it2 he jeered at us2 and gave his daughter to ,adyrmachus the ,machlyan1 because he had ten golden cups1 and eighty waggons of four seats1 and a number of sheep and oxen4 ,it seems that herds and lumbering waggons and superfluous beakers are to count for more than brave men4 ,my friends1 ,i am doubly wounded3 ,i love ,mazaea1 and ,i cannot forget the humiliation which ,i have suffered before so many witnesses1 and in which you are both equally involved4 ,ever since we were united in friendship1 are we not one flesh8 are not our joys and our sorrows the same8 ,if this be so1 each of us has his share in this disgrace4' #8,not only so1' rejoined ,lonchates2 #8each of us labours under the whole ignominy of the affront4' #8,and what is to be our course8' asked ,macentes4 #8,we will divide the work1' replied the other4 #8,i for my part undertake to present ,arsacomas with the head of ,leucanor3 you must bring him his bride4' #8,i agree4 ,and you1 ,arsacomas1 can stay at home2 and as we are likely to want an army before we have done1 you must be getting together horses and arms1 and raise what men you can1 ,a man like you will have no difficulty in getting plenty of people to join him1 and there are all our relations2 besides1 you can sit on the ox-hide4' ,this being settled1 ,lonchates set off just as he was for the ,bosphorus1 and ,macentes for ,machlyene1 each on horseback2 while ,arsacomas remained behind1 consulting with his acquaintance1 raising forces from among the relations of the three1 and1 finally1 taking his seat on the ox-hide4 ,our custom of the hide is as follows4 ,when a man has been injured by another1 and desires vengeance1 but feels that he is no match for his opponent1 he sacrifices an ox1 cuts up the flesh and cooks it1 and spreads out the hide upon the ground4 ,on this hide he takes his seat1 holding his hands behind him1 so as to suggest that his arms are tied in that position1 this being the natural attitude of a suppliant among us4 ,meanwhile1 the flesh of the ox has been laid out2 and the man's relations and any others who feel so disposed come up and take a portion thereof1 and1 setting their right foot on the hide1 promise whatever assistance is in their power3 one will engage to furnish and maintain five horsemen1 another ten1 a third some larger number2 while others1 according to their ability1 promise heavy or light-armed infantry1 and the poorest1 who have nothing else to give1 offer their own personal services4 ,the number of persons assembled on the hide is sometimes very considerable2 nor could any troops be more reliable or more invincible than those which are collected in this manner1 being as they are under a vow2 for the act of stepping on to the hide constitutes an oath4 ,by this means1 then1 ,arsacomas raised something like #e1jjj cavalry and #bj1jjj heavy and light armed4 ,meanwhile1 ,lonchates arrived unknown in ,bosphorus1 and presented himself co the king1 who was occupied at the moment in affairs of state4 #8,i come1' he said1 #8on public business from ,scythia3 but ,i have also a private communication of high import to make to your ,majesty4' ,the king bade him proceed4 #8,as to my public errand1 it is the old story3 we protest against your herdsmen's crossing the ,rocks and encroaching on the plains4 ,and with reference to the robbers of whom you complain1 ,i am instructed to say that our government is not responsible for their incursions1 which are the work of private individuals1 actuated merely by the love of booty2 accordingly1 you are at liberty to punish as many of them as you can secure1 ,and now for my own news4 ,you will shortly be invaded by a large host under ,arsacomas the son of ,mariantas1 who was lately at your court as an ambassador4 ,i suppose the cause of his resentment is your refusing him your daughter's hand4 ,he has now been on the ox-hide for seven days1 and has got together a considerable force4' #8,i had heard1' exclaimed ,leucanor1 #8that an army was being raised on the hide3 but who was raising it1 and what was its destination1 ,i had no idea4' #8,you know now1' said ,lonchates4 #8,arsacomas is a personal enemy of mine3 the superior esteem in which ,i am held1 and the preference shown for me by our elders1 are things which he cannot forgive4 ,now promise me your other daughter ,barcetis3 apart from my present services1 ,i shall be no discreditable son-in-law3 promise me this1 and in no long time ,i will return bringing you the head of ,arsacomas4' #8,i promise1' cried the king1 in great perturbation2 for he realized the provocation he had given to ,arsacomas1 and had a wholesome respect for the ,scythians at all times4 #8,swear1' insisted ,lonchates1 #8that you will not go back from your promise4' ,the king was already raising up his hand to ,heaven1 when the other interrupted him4 #8,wait6' he exclaimed2 #8not here6 these people must not know what is the subject of our oath4 ,let us go into the temple of ,ares yonder1 and swear with closed doors1 where none may hear4 ,if ,arsacomas should get wind of this1 ,i am likely to be offered up as a preliminary sacrifice2 he has a good number of men already4' #8,to the temple1 then1 let us go1' said the king2 and he ordered the guards to remain aloof1 and forbade any one to approach the temple unless summoned by him4 ,as soon as they were inside1 and the guards had withdrawn1 ,lonchates drew his sword1 and putting his left hand on the king's mouth to prevent his crying out1 plunged it into his breast2 then1 cutting off his head1 he went out from the temple carrying it under his cloak2 affecting all the time to be speaking to the king1 and promising that he would not be long1 as if the king had sent him on some errand4 ,he thus succeeded in reaching the place where he had left his horse tethered1 leapt on to his back1 and rode off into ,scythia4 ,there was no pursuit3 the people of ,bosphorus took some time to discover what had happened2 and then they were occupied with disputes as to the succession4 ,thus ,lonchates fulfilled his promise1 and handed the head of ,leucanor to ,arsacomas4 ,the news of this reached ,macentes while he was on his way to ,machlyene1 and on his arrival there he was the first to announce the king's death4 #8,you1 ,adyrmachus1' he added1 #8are his son-in-law1 and are now summoned to the throne4 ,ride on in advance1 and establish your claim while all is still unsettled4 ,your bride can follow with the waggons2 the presence of ,leucanor's daughter will be of assistance to you in securing the support of the ,bosphorans4 ,i myself am an ,alanian1 and am related to this lady by the mother's side3 ,leucanor's wife1 ,mastira1 was of my family4 ,i now come to you from ,mastira's brothers in ,alania3 they would have you make the best of your way to ,bosphorus at once1 or you will find your crown on the head of ,eubiotus1 ,leucanor's bastard brother1 who is a friend to ,scythia1 and detested by the ,alanians4' ,in language and dress1 ,macentes resembled an ,alanian2 for in these respects there is no difference between ,scythians and ,alanians1 except that the ,alanians do not wear such long hair as we do4 ,macentes had completed the resemblance by cropping his hair to the right shortness1 and was thus enabled to pass for a kinsman of ,mastira and ,mazaea4 #8,and now1 ,adyrmachus1' he concluded1 #8,i am ready to go with you to ,bosphorus2 or1 if you prefer it1 ,i will escort your bride4' #8,if you will do the latter1' replied ,adyrmachus1 #8,i shall be particularly obliged1 since you are ,mazaea's kinsman4 ,if you go with us1 it is but one horseman more2 whereas no one could be such a suitable escort for my wife4' ,and so it was settled3 ,adyrmachus rode off1 and left ,mazaea1 who was still a maid1 in the care of ,macentes4 ,during the day1 ,macentes accompanied ,mazaea in the waggon3 but at nightfall he placed her on horseback 7he had taken care that there should be a horseman in attendance71 and1 mounting behind her1 abandoned his former course along the ,maeotian ,lake1 and struck off into the interior1 keeping the ,mitraean ,mountains on his right4 ,he allowed ,mazaea some time for rest1 and completed the whole journey from ,machlyene to ,scythia on the third day2 his horse stood still for a few moments after arrival1 and then dropped down dead4 #8,behold1' said ,macentes1 presenting ,mazaea to ,arsacomas1 #8behold your promised bride4' ,arsacomas1 amazed at so unexpected a sight1 was beginning to express his gratitude3 but ,macentes bade him hold his peace4 #8,you speak1' he exclaimed1 #8as if you and ,i were different persons1 when you thank me for what ,i have done4 ,it is as if my left hand should say to my right3 ,thank you for tending my wound2 thank you for your generous sympathy with my pain4 ,that would be no more absurd than for us--who have long been united1 and have become 7so far as such a thing may be7 one flesh--to make such ado because one part of us has done its duty by the whole2 the limb is but serving its own interest in promoting the welfare of the body4' ,and that was how ,macentes received his friend's thanks4 ,adyrmachus1 on hearing of the trick that had been played upon him1 did not pursue his journey to ,bosphorus2 indeed1 ,eubiotus was already on the throne1 having been summoned thither from his home in ,sarmatia4 ,he therefore returned to his own country1 collected a large army1 and marched across the mountains into ,scythia4 ,he was presently followed by ,eubiotus himself1 at the head of a miscellaneous army of ,greeks1 together with #bj1jjj each of his ,alanian and ,sarmatian allies4 ,the two joined forces1 and the result was an army of #ij1jjj men1 one third of whom were mounted bowmen4 ,we ,scythians 7,i say we1 because ,i myself took part in this enterprise1 and was maintaining a hundred horse on the hide7--we ,scythians then1 numbering in all not much less than #cj1jjj men1 including cavalry1 awaited their onset1 under the command of ,arsacomas4 ,as soon as we saw them approaching1 we too advanced1 sending on our cavalry ahead4 ,after a long and obstinate engagement1 our lines were broken1 and we began to give ground2 and finally our whole army was cut clean in two4 ,one half had not suffered a decisive defeat2 with these it was rather a retreat than a flight1 nor did the ,alanians venture to follow up their advantage for any distance4 ,but the other and smaller division was completely surrounded by the ,alanians and ,machlyans1 and was being shot down on every side by the copious discharge of arrows and javelins2 the position became intolerable1 and most of our men were beginning to throw down their arms4 ,in this latter division were ,lonchates and ,macentes4 ,they had borne the brunt of the attack1 and both were wounded3 ,lonchates had a spear-thrust in his thigh1 and ,macentes1 besides a cut on the head from an axe1 had had his shoulder damaged by a pike4 ,arsacomas1 seeing their condition 7he was with us in the other division71 could not endure the thought of turning his back on his friends3 plunging the spurs into his horse1 and raising a shout1 he rode through the midst of the enemy1 with his scimetar raised on high4 ,the ,machlyans were unable to withstand the fury of his onset2 their ranks divided1 and made way for him to pass4 ,having rescued his friends from their danger1 he rallied the rest of the troops2 and charging upon ,adyrmachus brought down the scimetar on his neck1 and cleft him in two as far as the waist4 ,adyrmachus once slain1 the whole of the ,machlyans and ,alanians soon scattered1 and the ,greeks followed their example4 ,thus did we turn defeat into victory2 and had not night come to interrupt us1 we should have pursued the fugitives for a considerable distance1 slaying as we went4 ,the next day came messengers from the enemy suing for reconciliation1 the ,bosphorans undertaking to double their tribute1 and the ,machlyans to leave hostages2 whilst the ,alanians promised to expiate their guilt by reducing the ,sindians to submission1 that tribe having been for some time in revolt against us4 ,these terms we accepted1 at the instance of ,arsacomas and ,lonchates1 who conducted the negotiations and concluded the peace4 ,such1 ,mnesippus1 are the deeds that ,scythians will do for friendship's sake4 ,mne4 ,truly deeds of high emprise2 quite a legendary look about them4 ,with ,wind's and ,scimetar's good leave1 ,i think a man might be excused for doubting their truth4 ,tox4 ,now1 honestly1 ,mnesippus1 does not that doubt look a little like envy8 ,however1 doubt if you will3 that shall not deter me from relating other ,scythian exploits of the same kind which have happened within my experience4 ,mne4 ,brevity1 friend1 is all ,i ask4 ,your story is apt to run away with you4 ,up hill and down dale you go1 through ,scythia and ,machlyene1 off again to ,bosphorus1 then back to ,scythia1 till my taciturnity is exhausted4 ,tox4 ,i am schooled4 ,brevity you shall have2 ,i will not run you off your ears this time4 ,my next story shall be of a service rendered to myself1 by my friend ,sisinnes4 ,induced by the desire for ,greek culture1 ,i had left my home and was on my way to ,athens4 ,the ship put in at ,amastris1 which comes in the natural route from ,scythia1 being on the shore of the ,euxine1 not far from ,carambis4 ,sisinnes1 who had been my friend from childhood1 bore me company on this voyage4 ,we had transferred all our belongings from the ship to an inn near the harbour2 and whilst we were busy in the market1 suspecting nothing wrong1 some thieves had forced the door of our room and carried off everything1 not leaving us even enough to go on with for that day4 ,well1 when we got back and found what had happened1 we thought it was no use trying to get legal redress from our landlord1 or from the neighbours2 there were too many of them2 and if we had told our story1--how we had been robbed of four hundred darics and our clothes and rugs and everything1 most people would only have thought we were making a fuss about a trifle4 ,so we had to think what was to be done3 here we were1 absolutely destitute1 in a foreign country4 ,for my part1 ,i thought ,i might as well put a sword through my ribs there and then1 and have done with it1 rather than endure the humiliation that might be forced upon us by hunger and thirst4 ,sisinnes took a more cheerful view1 and implored me to do nothing of the kind3 #8,i shall think of something1' he said1 #8and we may do well yet4' ,for the moment1 he made enough to get us some food by carrying up timber from the harbour4 ,the next morning1 he took a walk in the market1 where it seems he saw a company of fine likely young fellows1 who as it turned out were hired as gladiators1 and were to perform two days after4 ,he found out all about them1 and then came back to me4 #8,toxaris1' he exclaimed1 #8consider your poverty at an end6 ,in two days' time1 ,i will make a rich man of you4' ,we got through those two days somehow1 and then came the show1 in which we took our places as spectators1 ,sisinnes bidding me prepare myself for all the novel delights of a ,greek amphitheatre4 ,the first thing we saw on sitting down was a number of wild beasts3 some of them were being assailed by javelins1 others hunted by dogs1 and others again were let loose upon certain men who were tied hand and foot1 and whom we supposed to be criminals4 ,the gladiators next made their appearance4 ,the herald led forward a strapping young fellow1 and announced that any one who was prepared to stand up against him might step into the arena and take his reward1 which would be #djj pounds4 ,sisinnes rose from his seat1 jumped down into the ring1 expressed his willingness to fight1 and demanded arms4 ,he received the money1 and brought it to me4 #8,if ,i win1' he said1 #8we will go off together1 and are amply provided for3 if ,i fall1 you will bury me and return to ,scythia4' ,i was much moved4 ,he now received his arms1 and put them on2 with the exception1 however1 of the helmet1 for he fought bareheaded4 ,he was the first to be wounded1 his adversary's curved sword drawing a stream of blood from his groin4 ,i was half dead with fear4 ,however1 ,sisinnes was biding his time3 the other now assailed him with more confidence1 and ,sisinnes made a lunge at his breast1 and drove the sword clean through1 so that his adversary fell lifeless at his feet4 ,he himself1 exhausted by the loss of blood1 sank down upon the corpse1 and life almost deserted him2 but ,i ran to his assistance1 raised him up1 and spoke words of comfort4 ,the victory was won1 and he was free to depart2 ,i therefore picked him up and carried him home4 ,my efforts were at last successful3 he rallied1 and is living in ,scythia to this day1 having married my sister4 ,he is still lame1 however1 from his wound4 ,observe3 this did not take place in ,machlyene1 nor yet in ,alania2 there is no lack of witnesses to the truth of the story this time2 many an ,amastrian here in ,athens would remember the fight of ,sisinnes4 ,one more story1 that of ,abauchas1 and ,i have done4 ,abauchas once arrived in the capital of the ,borysthenians1 with his wife1 of whom he was extremely fond1 and two children2 one1 a boy1 was still at the breast1 the other was a girl of seven4 ,with him also was his friend ,gyndanes1 who was still suffering from the effects of a wound he had received on the journey3 they had been attacked by some robbers1 and ,gyndanes in resisting them had been stabbed in the thigh1 and was still unable to stand on account of the pain4 ,one night they were all asleep in the upper story1 when a tremendous fire broke out2 the whole building was wrapped in flames1 and every means of exit blocked4 ,abauchas started up1 and leaving his sobbing children1 and shaking off his wife1 who clung to him and implored him to save her1 he caught up his friend in his arms1 and just managed to force his way down without being utterly consumed by the flames4 ,his wife followed1 carrying the boy1 and bade the girl come after her2 but1 scorched almost to a cinder1 she was compelled to drop the child from her arms1 and barely succeeded in leaping through the flames2 the little girl too only just escaped with her life4 ,abauchas was afterwards reproached with having abandoned his own wife and children to rescue ,gyndanes4 #8,i can beget other children easily enough1' said he3 #8nor was it certain how these would turn out3 but it would be long before ,i got such another friend as ,gyndanes2 of his affection ,i have been abundantly satisfied by experience4' ,there1 ,mnesippus1 you have my little selection4 ,the next thing is to settle whether my hand or your tongue is to be amputated4 ,who is umpire8 ,mne4 ,umpire we have none2 we forgot that4 ,i tell you what3 we have wasted our arrows this time1 but some other day we will appoint an arbitrator1 and submit other friendships to his judgement2 and then off shall come your hand1 or out shall come my tongue1 as the case may be4 ,perhaps1 though1 this is rather a primitive way of doing things4 ,as you seem to think a great deal of friendship1 and as ,i consider it to be the highest blessing of humanity1 what is there to prevent our vowing eternal friendship on the spot8 ,we shall both have the satisfaction of winning then1 and shall get a substantial prize into the bargain3 two right hands each instead of one1 two tongues1 four eyes1 four feet2--everything in duplicate4 ,the union of two friends--or three1 let us say--is like ,geryon in the pictures3 a six-handed1 three-headed individual2 my private opinion is1 that there was not one ,geryon1 but three ,geryons1 all acting in concert1 as friends should4 ,tox4 ,done with you1 then4 ,mne4 ,and1 ,toxaris1--we will dispense with the blood-and- scimetar ceremony4 ,our present conversation1 and the similarity of our aims1 are a much better security than that sanguinary cup of yours4 ,friendship1 as ,i take it1 should be voluntary1 not compulsory4 ,tox4 ,well said4 ,from this day1 ,i am your friend1 you mine2 ,i your guest here in ,greece1 you mine if ever you come to ,scythia4 ,mne4 ,scythia6 ,i would go further than ,scythia1 to meet with such friends as ,toxaris's narratives have shown him to be4 ,,zeus ,,cross-,,examined ,cyniscus4 ,zeus ,cyn4 ,zeus3 ,i am not going to trouble you with requests for a fortune or a throne2 you get prayers enough of that sort from other people1 and from your habit of convenient deafness ,i gather that you experience a difficulty in answering them4 ,but there is one thing ,i should like1 which would cost you no trouble to grant4 ,zeus4 ,well1 ,cyniscus8 ,you shall not be disappointed1 if your expectations are as reasonable as you say4 ,cyn4 ,i want to ask you a plain question4 ,zeus4 ,such a modest petition is soon granted2 ask what you will4 ,cyn4 ,well then3 you know your ,homer and ,hesiod1 of course8 ,is it all true that they sing of ,destiny and the ,fates--that whatever they spin for a man at his birth must inevitably come about8 ,zeus4 ,unquestionably4 ,nothing is independent of their control4 ,from their spindle hangs the life of all created things2 whose end is predetermined even from the moment of their birth2 and that law knows no change4 ,cyn4 ,then when ,homer says1 for instance1 in another place1 ,lest unto ,hell thou go1 outstripping ,fate1 he is talking nonsense1 of course8 ,zeus4 ,absolute nonsense4 ,such a thing is impossible3 the law of the ,fates1 the thread of ,destiny1 is over all4 ,no2 so long as the poets are under the inspiration of the ,muses1 they speak truth3 but once let those ,goddesses leave them to their own devices1 and they make blunders and contradict themselves4 ,nor can we blame them3 they are but men2 how should they know truth1 when the divinity whose mouthpieces they were is departed from them8 ,cyn4 ,that point is settled1 then4 ,but there is another thing ,i want to know4 ,there are three ,fates1 are there not1--,clotho1 ,lachesis1 and ,atropus8 ,zeus4 ,quite so4 ,cyn4 ,but one also hears a great deal about ,destiny and ,fortune4 ,who are they1 and what is the extent of their power8 ,is it equal to that of the ,fates8 or greater perhaps8 ,people are always talking about the insuperable might of ,fortune and ,destiny4 ,zeus4 ,it is not proper1 ,cyniscus1 that you should know all4 ,but what made you ask me about the ,fates8 ,cyn4 ,ah1 you must tell me one thing more first4 ,do the ,fates also control you ,gods8 ,do you depend from their thread8 ,zeus4 ,we do4 ,why do you smile8 ,cyn4 ,i was thinking of that bit in ,homer1 where he makes you address the ,gods in council1 and threaten to suspend all the world from a golden cord4 ,you said1 you know1 that you would let the cord down from ,heaven1 and all the ,gods together1 if they liked1 might take hold of it and try to pull you down1 and they would never do it3 whereas you1 if you had a mind to it1 could easily pull them up1 ,and ,earth and ,sea withal4 ,i listened to that passage with shuddering reverence2 ,i was much impressed with the idea of your strength4 ,yet now ,i understand that you and your cord and your threats all depend from a mere cobweb4 ,it seems to me ,clotho should be the one to boast3 she has you dangling from her distaff1 like a sprat at the end of a fishing- line4 ,zeus4 ,i do not catch the drift of your questions4 ,cyn4 ,come1 ,i will speak my mind2 and in the name of ,destiny and the ,fates take not my candour amiss4 ,if the case stands thus1 if the ,fates are mistresses of all1 and their decisions unalterable1 then why do men sacrifice to you1 and bring hecatombs1 and pray for good at your hands8 ,if our prayers can neither save us from evil nor procure us any boon from ,heaven1 ,i fail to see what we get for our trouble4 ,zeus4 ,these are nice questions6 ,i see how it is1--you have been with the sophists2 accursed race6 who would deny us all concern in human affairs4 ,yes1 these are just the points they raise1 impiously seeking to pervert mankind from the way of sacrifice and prayer3 it is all thrown away1 forsooth6 the ,gods take no thought for mankind2 they have no power on the earth4--,ah well2 they will be sorry for it some day4 ,cyn4 ,now1 by ,clotho's own spindle1 my questions are free from all sophistic taint4 ,how it has come about1 ,i know not2 but one word has brought up another1 and the end of it is--there is no use in sacrifice4 ,let us begin again4 ,i will put you a few more questions2 answer me frankly1 but think before you speak1 this time4 ,zeus4 ,well2 if you have the time to waste on such tomfoolery4 ,cyn4 ,everything proceeds from the ,fates1 you say8 ,zeus4 ,yes4 ,cyn4 ,and is it in your power to unspin what they have spun8 ,zeus4 ,it is not4 ,cyn4 ,shall ,i proceed1 or is the inference clear8 ,zeus4 ,oh1 clear enough4 ,but you seem to think that people sacrifice to us from ulterior motives2 that they are driving a bargain with us1 buying blessings1 as it were3 not at all2 it is a disinterested testimony to our superior merit4 ,cyn4 ,there you are1 then4 ,as you say1 sacrifice answers no useful purpose2 it is just our good-natured way of acknowledging your superiority4 ,and mind you1 if we had a sophist here1 he would want to know all about that superiority4 ,you are our fellow slaves1 he would say2 if the ,fates are our mistresses1 they are also yours4 ,your immortality will not serve you2 that only makes things worse4 ,we mortals1 after all1 are liberated by death3 but for you there is no end to the evil2 that long thread of yours means eternal servitude4 ,zeus4 ,but this eternity is an eternity of happiness2 the life of ,gods is one round of blessings4 ,cyn4 ,not all ,gods' lives4 ,even in ,heaven there are distinctions1 not to say mismanagement4 ,you are happy1 of course3 you are king1 and you can haul up earth and sea as it were a bucket from the well4 ,but look at ,hephaestus3 a cripple2 a common blacksmith4 ,look at ,prometheus3 he gets nailed up on ,caucasus4 ,and ,i need not remind you that your own father lies fettered in ,tartarus at this hour4 ,it seems1 too1 that ,gods are liable to fall in love2 and to receive wounds2 nay1 they may even have to take service with mortal men2 witness your brother ,posidon1 and ,apollo1 servants to ,laomedon and to ,admetus4 ,i see no great happiness in all this2 some of you ,i dare say have a very pleasant time of it1 but not so others4 ,i might have added1 that you are subject to robbery like the rest of us2 your temples get plundered1 and the richest of you becomes a pauper in the twinkling of an eye4 ,to more than one of you it has even happened to be melted down1 if he was a gold or a silver ,god4 ,all destiny1 of course4 ,zeus4 ,take care1 ,cyniscus3 you are going too far4 ,you will repent of this one day4 ,cyn4 ,spare your threats3 you know that nothing can happen to me1 except what ,fate has settled first4 ,i notice1 for instance1 that even temple-robbers do not always get punished2 most of them1 indeed1 slip through your hands4 ,not destined to be caught1 ,i suppose4 ,zeus4 ,i knew it6 you are one of those who would abolish ,providence4 ,cyn4 ,you seem to be very much afraid of these gentlemen1 for some reason4 ,not one word can ,i say1 but you must think ,i picked it up from them4 ,oblige me by answering another question2 ,i could desire no better authority than yours4 ,what is this ,providence8 ,is she a ,fate too8 or some greater1 a mistress of the ,fates8 ,zeus4 ,i have already told you that there are things which it is not proper for you to know4 ,you said you were only going to ask me one question1 instead of which you go on quibbling without end4 ,i see what it is you are at3 you want to make out that we ,gods take no thought for human affairs4 ,cyn4 ,it is nothing to do with me3 it was you who said just now that the ,fates ordained everything4 ,have you thought better of it8 ,are you going to retract what you said8 ,are the ,gods going to push ,destiny aside and make a bid for government8 ,zeus4 ,not at all2 but the ,fates work through us4 ,cyn4 ,i see3 you are their servants1 their underlings4 ,but that comes to the same thing3 it is still they who design2 you are only their tools1 their instruments4 ,zeus4 ,how do you make that out8 ,cyn4 ,i suppose it is pretty much the same as with a carpenter's adze and drill3 they do assist him in his work1 but no one would describe them as the workmen2 we do not say that a ship has been turned out by such and such an adze1 or by such and such a drill2 we name the shipwright4 ,in the same way1 ,destiny and the ,fates are the universal shipwrights1 and you are their drills and adzes2 and it seems to me that instead of paying their respects and their sacrifices to you1 men ought to sacrifice to ,destiny1 and implore her favours2 though even that would not meet the case1 because ,i take it that things are settled once and for all1 and that the ,fates themselves are not at liberty to chop and change4 ,if some one gave the spindle a turn in the wrong direction1 and undid all ,clotho's work1 ,atropus would have something to say on the subject4 ,zeus4 ,so6 ,you would deprive even the ,fates of honour8 ,you seem determined to reduce all to one level4 ,well1 we ,gods have at least one claim on you3 we do prophesy and foretell what the ,fates haye disposed4 ,cyn4 ,now even granting that you do1 what is the use of knowing what one has to expect1 when one can by no possibility take any precautions8 ,are you going to tell me that a man who finds out that he is to die by a steel point can escape the doom by shutting himself up8 ,not he4 ,fate will take him out hunting1 and there will be his steel3 ,adrastus will hurl his spear at the boar1 miss the brute1 and get ,croesus's son2 ,fate's inflexible law directs his aim4 ,the full absurdity of the thing is seen in the case of ,laius3 ,seek not for offspring in the ,gods' despite2 ,beget a child1 and thou begett'st thy slayer4 ,was not this advice superfluous1 seeing that the end must come8 ,accordingly we find that the oracle does not deter ,laius from begetting a son1 nor that son from being his slayer4 ,on the whole1 ,i cannot see that your prophecies entitle you to reward1 even setting aside the obscurity of the oracles1 which are generally contrived to cut both ways4 ,you omitted to mention1 for instance1 whether ,croesus--#8the ,halys crossed'--should destroy his own or ,cyrus's mighty realm4' ,it might be either1 so far as the oracle goes4 ,zeus4 ,apollo was angry with ,croesus4 ,when ,croesus boiled that lamb and tortoise together in the cauldron1 he was making trial of ,apollo4 ,cyn4 ,gods ought not to be angry4 ,after all1 ,i suppose it was fated that the ,lydian should misinterpret that oracle2 his case only serves to illustrate that general ignorance of the future1 which ,destiny has appointed for mankind4 ,at that rate1 your prophetic power too seems to be in her hands4 ,zeus4 ,you leave us nothing1 then8 ,we exercise no control1 we are not entitled to sacrifice1 we are very drills and adzes4 ,but you may well despise me3 why do ,i sit here listening to all this1 with my thunder-bolt beneath my arm8 ,cyn4 ,nay1 smite1 if the thunder-bolt is my destiny4 ,i shall think none the worse of you2 ,i shall know it is all ,clotho's doing2 ,i will not even blame the bolt that wounds me4 ,and by the way-- talking of thunder-bolts--there is one thing ,i will ask you and ,destiny to explain2 you can answer for her4 ,why is it that you leave all the pirates and temple-robbers and ruffians and perjurers to themselves1 and direct your shafts 7as you are always doing7 against an oak-tree or a stone or a harmless mast1 or even an honest1 ,god-fearing traveller8 444 ,no answer8 ,is this one of the things it is not proper for me to know8 ,zeus4 ,it is1 ,cyniscus4 ,you are a meddlesome fellow2 ,i don't know where you picked up all these ideas4 ,cyn4 ,well1 ,i suppose ,i must not ask you all 7,providence and ,destiny and you7 why honest ,phocion died in utter poverty and destitution1 like ,aristides before him1 while those two unwhipped puppies1 ,callias and ,alcibiades1 and the ruffian ,midias1 and that ,aeginetan libertine ,charops1 who starved his own mother to death1 were all rolling in money8 nor again why ,socrates was handed over to the ,eleven instead of ,meletus8 nor yet why the effeminate ,sardanapalus was a king1 and one high-minded ,persian after another went to the cross for refusing to countenance his doings8 ,i say nothing of our own days1 in which villains and money-grubbers prosper1 and honest men are oppressed with want and sickness and a thousand distresses1 and can hardly call their souls their own4 ,zeus4 ,surely you know1 ,cyniscus1 what punishments await the evil-doers after death1 and how happy will be the lot of the righteous8 ,cyn4 ,ah1 to be sure3 ,hades--,tityus--,tantalus4 ,whether there is such a place as ,hades1 ,i shall be able to satisfy myself when ,i die4 ,in the meantime1 ,i had rather live a pleasant life here1 and have a score or so of vultures at my liver when ,i am dead1 than thirst like ,tantalus in this world1 on the chance of drinking with the heroes in the ,isles of the ,blest1 and reclining in the fields of ,elysium4 ,zeus4 ,what6 you doubt that there are punishments and rewards to come8 ,you doubt of that judgement-seat before which every soul is arraigned8 ,cyn4 ,i have heard mention of a judge in that connexion2 one ,minos1 a ,cretan4 ,ah1 yes1 tell me about him3 they say he is your son8 ,zeus4 ,and what of him8 ,cyn4 ,whom does he punish in particular8 ,zeus4 ,whom but the wicked8 ,murderers1 for instance1 and temple-robbers4 ,cyn4 ,and whom does he send to dwell with the heroes8 ,zeus4 ,good men and ,god-fearing1 who have led virtuous lives4 ,cyn4 ,why8 ,zeus4 ,because they deserve punishment and reward respectively4 ,cyn4 ,suppose a man commits a crime accidentally3 does he punish him just the same8 ,zeus4 ,certainly not4 ,cyn4 ,similarly1 if a man involuntarily performed a good action1 he would not reward him8 ,zeus4 ,no4 ,cyn4 ,then there is no one for him to reward or punish4 ,zeus4 ,how so8 ,cyn4 ,why1 we men do nothing of our own free will3 we are obeying an irresistible impulse1--that is1 if there is any truth in what we settled just now1 about ,fate's being the cause of everything4 ,does a man commit a murder8 ,fate is the murderess4 ,does he rob a temple8 ,he has her instructions for it4 ,so if there is going to be any justice in ,minos's sentences1 he will punish ,destiny1 not ,sisyphus2 ,fate1 not ,tantalus4 ,what harm did these men do8 ,they only obeyed orders4 ,zeus4 ,i am not going to speak to you any more4 ,you are an unscrupulous man2 a sophist4 ,i shall go away and leave you to yourself4 ,cyn4 ,i wanted to ask you where the ,fates lived2 and how they managed to attend to all the details of such a vast mass of business1 just those three4 ,i do not envy them their lot2 they must have a busy time of it1 with so much on their hands4 ,their destiny1 apparently1 is no better than other people's4 ,i would not exchange with them1 if ,i had the choice2 ,i had rather be poorer than ,i am1 than sit before such a spindleful1 watching every thread4--,but never mind1 if you would rather not answer4 ,your previous replies have quite cleared up my doubts about ,destiny and ,providence2 and for the rest1 ,i expect ,i was not destined to hear it4 ,,zeus ,,tragoedus ,hermes4 ,hera4 ,colossus4 ,heracles4 ,athene4 ,posidon4 ,momus4 ,hermagoras4 ,zeus4 ,aphrodite4 ,apollo1 ,timocles4 ,damis ,herm4 ,wherefore thus brooding1 ,zeus8 wherefore apart1 ,and palely pacing1 as ,earth's sages use8 ,let me thy counsel know1 thy cares partake2 ,and find thy comfort in a faithful fool4 ,ath4 ,cronides1 lord of lords1 and all our sire1 ,i clasp thy knees2 grant thou what ,i require2 ,a boon the lightning-eyed ,tritonia asks3 ,speak1 rend the veil thy secret thought that masks2 ,reveal what care thy mind within thee gnaws1 ,blanches thy cheek1 and this deep moaning draws4 ,zeus4 ,speech hath no utterance of surpassing fear1 ,tragedy holds no misery or woe1 ,but our divinest essence soon shall taste4 ,ath4 ,alas1 how dire a prelude to thy tale6 ,zeus4 ,o brood maleficent1 teemed from ,earth's dark womb6 ,and thou1 ,prometheus1 how hast thou wrought me woe6 ,ath4 ,possess us2 are not we thine own familiars8 ,zeus4 ,with a whirr and a crash ,let the levin-bolt dash-- ,ah1 whither8 ,hera4 ,a truce to your passion1 ,zeus4 ,we have not these good people's gift for farce or recitation2 we have not swallowed ,euripides whole1 and cannot play up to you4 ,do you suppose we do not know how to account for your annoyance8 ,zeus4 ,thou knowst not2 else thy waitings had been loud4 ,hera4 ,don't tell me2 it's a love affair2 that's what's the matter with you4 ,however1 you won't have any #8wailings' from me2 ,i am too much hardened to neglect4 ,i suppose you have discovered some new ,danae or ,semele or ,europa whose charms are troubling you2 and so you are meditating a transformation into a bull or satyr1 or a descent through the roof into your beloved's bosom as a shower of gold2 all the symptoms--your groans and your tears and your white face--point to love and nothing else4 ,zeus4 ,happy ignorance1 that sees not what perils now forbid love and such toys6 ,hera4 ,is your name ,zeus1 or not8 and1 if so1 what else can possibly annoy you but love8 ,zeus4 ,hera1 our condition is most precarious2 it is touch- and-go1 as they call it1 whether we are still to enjoy reverence and honour from the earth1 or be utterly neglected and become of no account4 ,hera4 ,has ,earth produced a new brood of giants8 ,have the ,titans broken their chains1 overpowered their guards1 and taken up arms against us once more8 ,zeus4 ,nay1 fear not that2 ,hell threatens not the ,gods4 ,hera4 ,what can the matter be1 then8 ,to hear you1 one might think it was ,polus or ,aristodemus1 not ,zeus2 and why1 pray1 if something of that sort is not bothering you8 ,zeus4 ,my dear1 a discussion somehow arose yesterday between ,timocles the ,stoic and ,damis the ,epicurean2 there was a numerous and respectable audience 7which particularly annoyed me71 and they had an argument on the subject of ,providence4 ,damis questioned the existence of the ,gods1 and utterly denied their interest in or government of events1 while ,timocles1 good man1 did his best to champion our cause4 ,a great crowd gathered round2 but no conclusion was reached4 ,they broke up with an understanding that the inquiry should be completed another day2 and now they are all agog to see which will win and prove his case4 ,you all see how parlous and precarious is our position1 depending on a single mortal4 ,these are the alternatives for us3 to be dismissed as mere empty names1 or 7if ,timocles prevails7 to enjoy our customary honours4 ,hera4 ,this is really a serious matter2 your ranting was not so uncalled-for1 ,zeus4 ,zeus4 ,you fancied me thinking of some ,danae or ,antiope2 and this was the dread reality4 ,now1 ,hermes1 ,hera1 ,athene1 what is our course8 ,we await your contribution to our plans4 ,herm4 ,my opinion is that an assembly be summoned and the community taken into counsel4 ,hera4 ,and ,i concur4 ,ath4 ,sire1 ,i dissent entirely2 you should not fill ,heaven with apprehensions1 nor let your own uneasiness be visible1 but take private measures to assure ,timocles's victory and ,damis's being laughed out of court4 ,herm4 ,it cannot be kept quiet1 ,zeus2 the philosophers' debate is public1 and you will be accused of despotic methods1 if you maintain reserve on a matter of so great and general interest4 ,zeus4 ,make proclamation and summon all1 then4 ,i approve your judgement4 ,herm4 ,here1 assemble1 all ye ,gods2 don't waste time1 come along1 here you are2 we are going to have an important meeting4 ,zeus4 ,what1 ,hermes8 so bald1 so plain1 so prosy an announcement--on this momentous occasion8 ,herm4 ,why1 how would you like it done8 ,zeus4 ,some metre1 a little poetic sonority1 would make the style impressive1 and they would be more likely to come4 ,herm4 ,ah1 ,zeus1 that is work for epic poets or reciters1 and ,i am no good at poetry4 ,i should be sure to put in too many feet1 or leave out some1 and spoil the thing2 they would only laugh at my rude verses4 ,why1 ,i've known ,apollo himself laughed at for some of his oracles2 and prophecy has the advantage of obscurity1 which gives the hearers something better to do than scanning verses4 ,zeus4 ,well1 well1 ,hermes1 you can make lines from ,homer the chief ingredient of your composition2 summon us in his words2 you remember them1 of course4 ,herm4 ,i cannot say they are exactly on the tip of my tongue2 however1 ,i'll do my best3 ,let ne'er a ,god 7tum1 tum71 nor eke a ,goddess1 ,nor yet of ,ocean's rivers one be wanting1 ,nor nymphs2 but gather to great ,zeus's council2 ,and all that feast on glorious hecatombs1 ,yea1 middle and lower classes of ,divinity1 ,or nameless ones that snuff fat altar-fumes ,zeus4 ,good1 ,hermes2 that is an excellent proclamation3 see1 here they come pell-mell2 now receive and place them in correct precedence1 according to their material or workmanship2 gold in the front row1 silver next1 then the ivory ones1 then those of stone or bronze4 ,a cross-division will give precedence to the creations of ,phidias1 ,alcamenes1 ,myron1 ,euphranor1 and artists of that calibre1 while the common inartistic jobs can be huddled together in the far corner1 hold their tongues1 and just make up the rank and file of our assembly4 ,herm4 ,all right2 they shall have their proper places4 ,but here is a point3 suppose one of them is gold1 and heavy at that1 but not finely finished1 quite amateurish and ill proportioned1 in fact--is he to take precedence of ,myron's and ,polyclitus's bronze1 or ,phidias's and ,alcamenes's marble8 or is workmanship to count most8 ,zeus4 ,it should by rights4 ,never mind1 put the gold first4 ,herm4 ,i see2 property qualification1 comparative wealth1 is the test1 not merit4--,gold to the front row1 please4--,zeus1 the front row will be exclusively barbarian1 ,i observe4 ,you see the peculiarity of the ,greek contingent3 they have grace and beauty and artistic workmanship1 but they are all marble or bronze--the most costly of them only ivory with just an occasional gleam of gold1 the merest surface-plating2 and even those are wood inside1 harbouring whole colonies of mice4 ,whereas ,bendis here1 ,anubis there1 ,attis next door1 and ,mithras and ,men1 are all of solid gold1 heavy and intrinsically precious4 ,pos4 ,hermes1 is it in order that this dog-faced ,egyptian person should sit in front of me1 ,posidon8 ,herm4 ,certainly4 ,you see1 ,earth-shaker1 the ,corinthians had no gold at the time1 so ,lysippus made you of paltry bronze2 ,dog- face is a whole gold-mine richer than you4 ,you must put up with being moved back1 and not object to the owner of such a golden snout being preferred4 ,aph4 ,then1 ,hermes1 find me a place in the front row2 ,i am golden4 ,herm4 ,not so1 ,aphrodite1 if ,i can trust my eyes2 ,i am purblind1 or you are white marble2 you were quarried1 ,i take it1 from ,pentelicus1 turned by ,praxiteles's fancy into ,aphrodite1 and handed over to the ,cnidians4 ,aph4 ,wait2 my witness is unexceptionable--,homer4 #8,the ,golden ,aphrodite' he calls me1 up and down his poems4 ,herm4 ,oh1 yes1 no doubt2 he called ,apollo rich1 #8rolling in gold'2 but now where will you find ,apollo8 ,somewhere in the third-class seats2 his crown has been taken off and his harp pegs stolen by the pirates1 you see4 ,so you may think yourself lucky with a place above the fourth4 ,col4 ,well1 who will dare dispute my claim8 ,am ,i not the ,sun8 and look at my height4 ,if the ,rhodians had not decided on such grandiose dimensions for me1 the same outlay would have furnished forth a round dozen of your golden ,gods2 ,i ought to be valued proportionally4 ,and then1 besides the size1 there is the workmanship and careful finish4 ,herm4 ,what shall ,i do1 ,zeus8 ,here is a difficulty again--too much for me4 ,going by material1 he is bronze2 but1 reckoning the talents his bronze cost1 he would be above the first class4 ,zeus4 ,what business has he here dwarfing the rest and blocking up all the bench8--,why1 my excellent ,rhodian1 you may be as superior to the golden ones as you will2 but how can you possibly go in the front row8 ,every one would have to get up1 to let you sit2 half that broad beam of yours would fill the whole ,house4 ,i must ask you to assist our deliberations standing2 you can bend down your head to the meeting4 ,herm4 ,now here is another problem4 ,both bronze1 equal aesthetically1 being both from ,lysippus's studio1 and1 to crown all1 nothing to choose between them for birth--two sons of yours1 ,zeus--,dionysus and ,heracles4 ,which is to be first8 ,you can see for yourself1 they mean to stand upon their order4 ,zeus4 ,we are wasting time1 ,hermes2 the debate should have been in full swing by now4 ,tell them to sit anyhow1 according to taste2 we will have an ad hoc meeting another day1 and then ,i shall know how to settle the question of precedence4 ,herm4 ,my goodness1 what a noise6 what low vulgar bawling6 listen--#8,hurry up with that carving6' #8,do pass the nectar6' #8,why no more ambrosia8' #8,when are those hecatombs coming8' #8,here1 shares in that victim6' ,zeus4 ,call them to order1 ,hermes2 this nonsense must cease1 before ,i can give them the order of the day4 ,herm4 ,they do not all know ,greek2 and ,i haven't the gift of tongues1 to make myself understood by ,scythians and ,persians and ,thracians and ,celts4 ,perhaps ,i had better hold up my hand and signal for silence4 ,zeus4 ,do4 ,herm4 ,good2 they are as quiet as if they were so many teachers of elocution4 ,now is the time for your speech2 see1 they are all hanging on your lips4 ,zeus4 ,why--there is something wrong with me--,hermes1 my boy --,i will be frank with you4 ,you know how confident and impressive ,i always was as a public speaker8 ,herm4 ,i know2 ,i used to be in such a fright2 you threatened sometimes to let down your golden cord and heave up earth and sea from their foundations1 ,gods included4 ,zeus4 ,but to-day1 my child--it may be this terrible crisis-- it may be the size of the audience--there is a vast number of ,gods here1 isn't there--anyhow1 my thoughts are all mixed1 ,i shiver1 my tongue seems tied4 ,what is most absurd of all1 my exordium is gone clean out of my head2 and ,i had prepared it on purpose to produce a good impression at the start4 ,herm4 ,you have spoiled everything1 ,zeus4 ,they cannot make out your silence2 they are expecting to hear of some terrible disaster1 to account for your delay4 ,zeus4 ,what do you think8 ,reel off the exordium in ,homer8 ,herm4 ,which one8 ,zeus4 ,lend me your ears1 ,gods all and ,goddesses4 ,herm4 ,rubbish6 you made quite exhibition enough of yourself in that vein in our cabinet council4 ,however1 you might1 if you like1 drop your metrical fustian1 and adapt any one of ,demosthenes's ,philippics with a few alterations4 ,that is the fashionable method with speakers nowadays4 ,zeus4 ,ah1 that is a royal road to eloquence--simplifies matters very much for a man in difficulties4 ,herm4 ,go ahead1 then4 ,zeus4 ,men of--,heaven1 ,i presume that you would be willing to pay a great price1 if you could know what in the world has occasioned the present summons4 ,which being so1 it is fitting that you should give a ready hearing to my words4 ,now1 whereas the present crisis1 ,heavenians1 may almost be said to lift up a voice and bid us take vigorous hold on opportunity1 it seems to me that we are letting it slip from our nerveless grasp4 ,and ,i wish now 7,i can't remember any more7 to exhibit clearly to you the apprehensions which have led to my summoning you4 ,as you are all aware1 ,mnesitheus the ship's-captain yesterday made his votive offering for the narrow escape of his vessel off ,caphereus1 and those of us whom he had invited attended the banquet in ,piraeus4 ,after the libations you went your several ways4 ,i myself1 as it was not very late1 walked up to town for an afternoon stroll in ,ceramicus1 reflecting as ,i went on the parsimony of ,mnesitheus4 ,when the ship was driving against the cliff1 and already inside the circle of reef1 he had vowed whole hecatombs3 what he offered in fact1 with sixteen ,gods to entertain1 was a single cock--an old bird afflicted with catarrh--and half a dozen grains of frankincense2 these were all mildewed1 so that they at once fizzled out on the embers1 hardly giving enough smoke to tickle the olfactories4 ,engaged in these thoughts ,i reached the ,poecile1 and there found a great crowd gathered2 there were some inside the ,portico1 a large number outside1 and a few seated on the benches vociferating as loud as they could4 ,guessing correctly that these were philosophers of the militant variety1 ,i had a mind to stop and hear what they were saying4 ,i was enveloped in a good thick cloud1 under cover of which ,i assumed their habit1 lengthened my beard1 and so made a passable philosopher2 then ,i elbowed my way through the crowd and got in undetected4 ,i found an accomplished scoundrel and a pattern of human virtue at daggers drawn2 they were ,damis the ,epicurean and ,timocles the ,stoic4 ,the latter was bathed in perspiration1 and his voice showed signs of wear1 while ,damis goaded him on to further exertions with mocking laughter4 ,the bone of contention was ourselves4 ,damis--the reptile6-- maintained that we did not concern ourselves in thought or act with human affairs1 and practically denied our existence2 that was what it came to4 ,and he found some support4 ,timocles was on our side1 and loyally1 passionately1 unshrinkingly did he champion the cause2 he extolled our ,providence1 and illustrated the orderly discerning character of our influence and government4 ,he too had his party2 but he was exhausted and quite husky2 and the majority were inclining to ,damis4 ,i saw how much was at stake1 and ordered ,night to come on and break up the meeting4 ,they accordingly dispersed1 agreeing to conclude the inquiry next day4 ,i kept among the crowd on its way home1 heard its commendations of ,damis1 and found that his views were far the more popular1 though some still protested against condemning ,timocles out of hand1 and preferred to see what he would say for himself to-morrow4 ,you now know the occasion of this meeting--no light one1 ye ,gods1 if you reflect how entirely our dignity1 our revenue1 our honour1 depend on mankind4 ,if they should accept as true either our absolute non-existence or1 short of that1 our indifference to them1 farewell to our earthly sacrifices1 attributes1 honours2 we shall sit starving and ineffectual in ,heaven2 our beloved feasts and assemblies1 games and sacrifices1 vigils and processions--all will be no more4 ,so mighty is the issue2 believe me1 it behoves us all to search out salvation2 and where lies salvation8 ,in the victory and acceptance of ,timocles1 in laughter that shall drown the voice of ,damis4 ,for ,i doubt the unaided powers of ,timocles1 if our help be not accorded him4 ,hermes1 make formal proclamation1 and let the debate commence4 ,herm4 ,hear1 keep silence1 clamour not4 ,of full and qualified ,gods1 speak who will4 ,why1 what means this8 ,doth none rise8 ,cower ye confounded at these momentous tidings8 ,mo4 ,away1 ye dull as earth1 as water weak6 ,but ,i could find plenty to say1 ,zeus1 if free speech were granted me4 ,zeus4 ,speak1 ,momus1 and fear not4 ,you will use your freedom1 surely1 for the common good4 ,mo4 ,hear1 then1 ye ,gods2 for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh4 ,you must know1 ,i foresaw all this clearly--our difficulty--the growth of these agitators2 it is ourselves who are responsible for their impudence2 ,i swear to you1 we need not blame ,epicurus nor his friends and successors1 for the prevalence of these ideas4 ,why1 what can one expect men to think1 when they see all life topsy-turvy--the good neglected1 pining in poverty1 disease1 and slavery1 detestable scoundrels honoured1 rolling in wealth1 and ordering their betters about1 temple-robbers undetected and unpunished1 the innocent constantly crucified and bastinadoed8 ,with this evidence before them1 it is only natural they should conclude against our existence4 ,all the more when they hear the oracles saying that some one ,the ,halys crossed1 o'erthrows a mighty realm1 but not specifying whether that realm is his own or his enemy's2 or again ,o sacred ,salamis1 thou shalt slay ,full many a mother's son4 ,the ,greeks were mothers' sons as well as the ,persians1 ,i suppose4 ,or again1 when they hear the ballads about our loves1 our wounds1 captivities1 thraldoms1 quarrels1 and endless vicissitudes 7mark you1 we claim all the while to be blissful and serene71 are they not justified in ridiculing and belittling us8 ,and then we say it is outrageous if a few people who are not quite fools expose the absurdity and reject ,providence2 why1 we ought to be glad enough that a few still go on sacrificing to blunderers like us4 ,and at this point1 ,zeus--this meeting is private2 the human element is not represented among us 7except by ,heracles1 ,dionysus1 ,ganymede1 and ,asclepius1 and they are naturalized7--at this point1 answer me a question frankly3 did your interest in mankind ever carry you so far as to sift the good from the bad8 ,the answer is in the negative1 ,i know4 ,very well1 then2 had not a ,theseus1 on his way from ,troezen to ,athens1 exterminated the malefactors as an incidental amusement1 ,sciron and ,pityocamptes and ,cercyon and the rest of them might have gone on battening on the slaughter of travellers1 for all you and your ,providence would have done4 ,had not an old-fashioned thoughtful ,eurystheus1 benevolently collecting information of local troubles1 sent this energetic enterprising servant of his about1 the mighty ,zeus would never have given a thought to the ,hydra or the ,stymphalian birds1 the ,thracian horses and the drunken insolence of ,centaurs4 ,if the truth must out1 we sit here with a single eye to one thing-- does a man sacrifice and feed the altars fat8 ,everything else drifts as it may4 ,we get our deserts1 and shall continue to get them1 when men open their eyes by degrees and find that sacrifices and processions bring them no profit4 ,before long you will find we are the laughing-stock of people like ,epicurus1 ,metrodorus1 ,damis1 who will have mastered and muzzled our advocates4 ,with whom does it lie to check and remedy this state of things8 ,why1 with you1 who have brought it on4 ,as for ,momus1 what is dishonour to him8 ,he was never among the recipients of honour1 while you were still prosperous2 your banquetings were too exclusive4 ,zeus4 ,he was ever a cross-grained censor2 we need not mind his maundering1 ,gods4 ,we have it from the admirable ,demosthenes3 imputations1 blame1 criticism1 these are easy things2 they tax no one's capacity3 what calls for a statesman is the suggesting of a better course2 and that is what ,i rely upon the rest of you for2 let us do our best without his help4 ,pos4 ,as for me1 ,i live ordinarily under water1 as you know1 and follow an independent policy in the depths2 that policy is to save sailors1 set ships on their way1 and keep the winds quiet1 as best ,i may4 ,however1 ,i do take an interest in your politics too1 and my opinion is that this ,damis should be got rid of before the debate2 the thunderbolt would do it1 or some means could be found2 else he might win--you say he is a plausible fellow1 ,zeus4 ,it would teach them that there is a reckoning for telling such tales about us1 too4 ,zeus4 ,you must be jesting1 ,posidon2 you cannot have forgotten that we have no say in the matter8 ,it is the ,fates that spin a man's thread1 whether he be destined to the thunderbolt or the sword1 to fever or consumption4 ,if it had depended on me1 do you suppose ,i should have let those temple-robbers get off unblasted from ,pisa the other day8--two of my curls shorn off1 weighing half a dozen pounds apiece4 ,would you have stood it1 when that fisherman from ,oreus stole your trident at ,geraestus8 ,moreover1 they will think we are sensitive and angry2 they will suspect that the reason why we get the man out of the way without waiting to see him matched with ,timocles is that we are afraid of his arguments2 they will say we are just securing judgement by default4 ,pos4 ,dear1 dear6 ,i thought ,i had hit upon a good short cut to our object4 ,zeus4 ,nonsense1 there is something fishy about it1 ,posidon2 and it is a dull notion too1 to destroy your adversary beforehand2 he dies unvanquished1 and leaves his argument behind him still debatable and undecided4 ,pos4 ,then the rest of you must think of something better1 if #8fishy' is the best word you have for me4 ,apol4 ,if we beardless juniors were competent to address the meeting1 ,i might perhaps have contributed usefully to the discussion4 ,mo4 ,oh1 ,apollo1 the inquiry is so important that seniority may be waived1 and any one allowed his say2 a pretty thing to split hairs about legal competence at a supreme crisis6 ,but you are surely qualified by this time2 your minority is prehistoric1 your name is on the ,privy-,council roll1 your senatorial rank dates back almost to ,cronus4 ,pray spare us these juvenile airs1 and give us your views freely2 you need not be bashful about your smooth chin2 you have a father's rights in ,asclepius's great bush of a beard4 ,moreover1 you never had a better opportunity of showing your wisdom1 if your philosophic seances with the ,muses on ,helicon have not been thrown away4 ,apol4 ,why1 it does not lie with you to give me leave1 ,momus2 ,zeus must do that2 and if he bids1 ,i may find words that shall be not all uncultured1 but worthy of my ,heliconian studies4 ,zeus4 ,speak1 son2 thou hast my leave4 ,apol4 ,this ,timocles is a good pious man1 and an excellent ,stoic scholar2 his learning has gained him a wide and paying connexion among young men2 in private lessons his manner is indeed very convincing4 ,but in public speaking he is timid1 cannot produce his voice1 and has a provincial accent2 the consequence is1 he gets laughed at in company1 lacks fluency1 stammers and loses his thread--especially when he emphasizes these defects by an attempt at flowers of speech4 ,as far as intelligence goes1 he is extremely acute and subtle1 so the ,stoic experts say2 but he spoils it all by the feebleness of his oral explanations2 he is confused and unintelligible1 deals in paradoxes1 and when he is interrogated1 explains ignotum per ignotius2 his audience does not grasp his meaning1 and therefore laughs at him4 ,i think lucidity a most important point2 there is nothing one should be so careful about as to be comprehensible4 ,mo4 ,you praise lucidity1 ,apollo2 your theory is excellent1 though your practice does not quite conform2 your oracles are crooked and enigmatic1 and generally rely upon a safe ambiguity2 a second prophet is required to say what they mean4 ,but what is your solution of the problem8 ,how are we to cure ,timocles of the impediment in his speech8 ,apol4 ,if possible1 we should provide him with an able counsel 7there are plenty such7 to be inspired by him and give adequate expression to his ideas4 ,mo4 ,your sapience is beardless indeed--in statu pupillari1 one may say4 ,a learned gathering3 ,timocles with counsel by his side to interpret his ideas4 ,damis speaking in propria persona with his own tongue1 his opponent employing a go-between into whose ears he privately pours inspiration1 and the go-between producing ornate periods1 without1 ,i dare say1 understanding what he is told--most entertaining for the listeners6 ,we shall get nothing out of that device4 ,but1 reverend sir1 you claim the gift of prophecy1 and it has brought you in good pay--golden ingots on one occasion8--why not seize this opportunity of exhibiting your art8 ,you might tell us which of the disputants will win2 a prophet knows the future1 of course4 ,apol4 ,i have no tripod or incense here2 no substitute for the divining-well of ,castaly4 ,mo4 ,aha6 you are caught6 you will not come to the scratch4 ,zeus4 ,speak1 my son1 in spite of all2 give not this enemy occasion to blaspheme2 let him not flout thy powers with tripod and water and frankincense1 as though thine art were lost without them4 ,apol4 ,father1 it were better done at ,delphi or at ,colophon1 with all the customary instruments to hand4 ,yet1 bare and unprovided as ,i am1 ,i will essay to tell whether of them twain shall prevail4--,if the metre is a little rough1 you must make allowances4 ,mo4 ,go on1 then2 but remember1 ,apollo3 lucidity2 no #8able counsel1' no solutions that want solving themselves4 ,it is not a question of lamb and tortoise boiling ,footnote3 ,see ,croesus in ,notes4 in ,lydia now2 you know what we want to get at4 ,zeus4 ,what will thine utterance be8 ,how dread1 even now1 is the making ready6 ,the altered hue1 the rolling eyes1 the floating locks1 the frenzied gesture--all is possession1 horror1 mystery4 ,apol4 ,who lists may hear ,apollo's soothfast rede ,of stiff debate1 heroic challenge ringing ,shrill1 and each headpiece lined with fence of proof4 ,alternate clack the strokes in whirling strife2 ,sore buffeted1 quakes and shivers heart of oak4 ,but when grasshopper feels the vulture's talons1 ,then the storm-boding ravens croak their last1 ,prevail the mules1 butts his swift foals the ass4 ,zeus4 ,why that ribald laughter1 ,momus8 ,it is no laughing matter4 ,stop1 stop1 fool2 you'll choke yourself4 ,mo4 ,well1 such a clear simple oracle puts one in spirits4 ,zeus4 ,indeed8 ,then perhaps you will kindly expound it4 ,mo4 ,no need of a ,themistocles this time2 it is absolutely plain4 ,the oracle just says in so many words that he is a quack1 and we pack-asses 7quite true7 and mules to believe in him2 we have not as much sense1 it adds1 as a grasshopper4 ,herac4 ,father1 ,i am only an alien1 but ,i am not afraid to give my opinion4 ,let them begin their debate4 ,then1 if ,timocles gets the best of it1 we can let the meeting go on1 in our own interest2 on the other hand1 if things look bad1 ,i will give the ,portico a shake1 if you like1 and bring it down on ,damis2 a confounded fellow like that is not to insult us4 ,zeus4 ,now by ,heracles--,i can swear by you1 ,i certainly cannot swear by your plan--what a crude--what a shockingly philistine suggestion6 ,what6 destroy all those people for one man's wickedness8 and the ,portico thrown in1 with the ,miltiades and ,cynaegirus on the field of ,marathon8 ,why1 if these were ruined1 how could the orators ever make another speech1 with the best of their stock-in-trade taken from them8 ,besides1 while you were alive1 you might possibly have done a thing like that2 but now that you are a ,god1 you surely understand that only the ,fates are competent1 and we cannot interfere8 ,herac4 ,then when ,i slew the lion or the ,hydra1 was ,i only the ,fates' instrument8 ,zeus4 ,of course you were4 ,herac4 ,and now1 suppose any one insults me1 or robs my temple1 or upsets an image of me1 am ,i not to pulverize him1 just because the ,fates have not decreed it long ago8 ,zeus4 ,certainly not4 ,herac4 ,then allow me to speak my mind2 ,i'm a blunt man2 ,i call a spade a spade4 ,if this is the state of things with you1 good-bye for me to your honours and altar-steam and fat of victims2 ,i shall be off to ,hades4 ,there1 if ,i show my bow ready for action1 the ghosts of the monsters ,i have slain will be frightened1 at least4 ,zeus4 ,oh1 splendid6 #8,thine own lips testify against thee1' says the book2 you would have saved ,damis some trouble by putting this in his mouth4 ,but who is this breathless messenger8 ,bronze--a nice clean figure and outline--chevelure rather out of date4 ,ah1 he must be your brother1 ,hermes1 who stands in the ,market by the ,poecile2 ,i see he is all over pitch2 that is what comes of having casts taken of you every day4 ,my son1 why this haste8 ,have you important news from ,earth8 ,hermag4 ,momentous news1 calling for infinite energy4 ,zeus4 ,speak1 tarry not1 if any peril else hath escaped our vigilance4 ,hermag4 ,it chanced of late that by the statuaries ,my breast and back were plastered o'er with pitch2 ,a mock cuirass tight-clinging hung1 to ape ,my bronze1 and take the seal of its impression4 ,when lo1 a crowd6 therein a pallid pair ,sparring amain1 vociferating logic2 ',twas ,damis and-- ,zeus4 ,truce to your iambics1 my excellent ,hermagoras2 ,i know the pair4 ,but tell me whether the fight has been going on long4 ,hermag4 ,not yet2 they were still skirmishing--slinging invective at long range4 ,zeus4 ,then we have only1 ,gods1 to look over and listen4 ,let the ,hours unbar1 draw back the clouds1 and open the doors of ,heaven4 ,upon my word1 what a vast gathering6 ,and ,i do not quite like the looks of ,timocles2 he is trembling2 he has lost his head2 he will spoil everything2 it is perfectly plain1 he will not be able to stand up to ,damis4 ,well1 there is one thing left us3 we can pray for him ,inwardly1 silently1 lest ,damis hear4 ,ti4 ,what1 you miscreant1 no ,gods8 no ,providence8 ,da4 ,no1 no2 you answer my question first2 what makes you believe in them8 ,ti4 ,none of that1 now2 the onus probandi is with you1 scoundrel4 ,da4 ,none of that1 now2 it is with you4 ,zeus4 ,at this game ours is much the better man--louder-voiced1 rougher-tempered4 ,good1 ,timocles2 stick to invective2 that is your strong point2 once you get off that1 he will hook and hold you up like a fish4 ,ti4 ,i solemnly swear ,i will not answer first4 ,da4 ,well1 put your questions1 then2 so much you score by your oath4 ,but no abuse1 please4 ,ti4 ,done4 ,tell me1 then1 and be damned to you1 do you deny that the ,gods exercise providence8 ,da4 ,i do4 ,ti4 ,what1 are all the events we see uncontrolled1 then8 ,da4 ,yes4 ,ti4 ,and the regulation of the universe is not under any ,god's care8 ,da4 ,no4 ,ti4 ,and everything moves casually1 by blind tendency8 ,da4 ,yes4 ,ti4 ,gentlemen1 can you tolerate such sentiments8 ,stone the blasphemer4 ,da4 ,what do you mean by hounding them against me8 ,who are you1 that you should protest in the ,gods' name8 ,they do not even protest in their own2 they have sent no judgement on me1 and they have had time enough to hear me1 if they have ears4 ,ti4 ,they do hear you2 they do2 and some day their vengeance will find you out4 ,da4 ,pray when are they likely to have time to spare for me8 ,they are far too busy1 according to you1 with all the infinite concerns of the universe on their hands4 ,that is why they have never punished you for your perjuries and--well1 for the rest of your performances1 let me say1 not to break our compact about abuse4 ,and yet ,i am at a loss to conceive any more convincing proof they could have given of their ,providence1 than if they had trounced you as you deserve4 ,but no doubt they are from home--t'other side of ,oceanus1 possibly1 on a visit to #8the blameless ,ethiopians4' ,we know they have a way of going there to dinner1 self-invited sometimes4 ,ti4 ,what answer is possible to such ribaldry8 ,da4 ,the answer ,i have been waiting for all this time2 you can tell me what made you believe in divine ,providence4 ,ti4 ,firstly1 the order of nature--the sun running his regular course1 the moon the same1 the circling seasons1 the growth of plants1 the generation of living things1 the ingenious adaptations in these latter for nutrition1 thought1 movement1 locomotion2 look at a carpenter or a shoemaker1 for instance2 and the thing is infinite4 ,all these effects1 and no effecting ,providence8 ,da4 ,you beg the question2 whether the effects are produced by ,providence is just what is not yet proved4 ,your description of nature ,i accept2 it does not follow that there is definite design in it2 it is not impossible that things now similar and homogeneous have developed from widely different origins4 ,but you give the name #8order' to mere blind tendency4 ,and you will be very angry if one follows your appreciative catalogue of nature in all its variety1 but stops short of accepting it as a proof of detailed ,providence4 ,so1 as the play says1 ,here lurks a fallacy2 bring me sounder proof4 ,ti4 ,i cannot admit that further proof is required2 nevertheless1 ,i will give you one4 ,will you allow ,homer to have been an admirable poet8 ,da4 ,surely4 ,ti4 ,well1 he maintains ,providence1 and warrants my belief4 ,da4 ,magnificent6 why1 every one will grant you ,homer's poetic excellence2 but not that he1 or any other poet for that matter1 is good authority on questions of this sort4 ,their object1 of course1 is not truth1 but fascination2 they call in the charms of metre1 they take tales for the vehicle of what instruction they give1 and in short all their efforts are directed to pleasure4 ,but ,i should be glad to hear which parts of ,homer you pin your faith to4 ,where he tells how the daughter1 the brother1 and the wife of ,zeus conspired to imprison him8 ,if ,thetis had not been moved to compassion and called ,briareus1 you remember1 our excellent ,zeus would have been seized and manacled2 and his gratitude to her induced him to delude ,agamemnon with a lying dream1 and bring about the deaths of a number of ,greeks4 ,do you see8 ,the reason was that1 if he had struck and blasted ,agamemnon's self with a thunderbolt1 his double dealing would have come to light4 ,or perhaps you found the ,diomede story most convincing8-- ,diomede wounded ,aphrodite1 and afterwards ,ares himself1 at ,athene's instigation2 and then the ,gods actually fell to blows and went a-tilting--without distinction of sex2 ,athene overthrew ,ares1 exhausted no doubt with his previous wound from ,diomede2 and ,hermes the stark and stanch 'gainst ,leto stood4 ,or did you put your trust in ,artemis8 ,she was a sensitive lady1 who resented not being invited to ,oeneus's banquet1 and by way of vengeance sent a monstrous irresistible boar to ravage his country4 ,is it with tales like these that ,homer has prevailed on you8 ,zeus4 ,goodness me1 what a shout1 ,gods6 they are all cheering ,damis4 ,and our man seems posed2 he is frightened and trembles2 he is going to throw up the sponge1 ,i am certain of it2 he looks round for a gap to get away through4 ,ti4 ,and will you scout ,euripides too1 then8 ,again and again he brings ,gods on the stage1 and shows them upholding virtue in the ,heroes1 but chastising wickedness and impiety 7like yours74 ,da4 ,my noble philosopher1 if that is how the tragedians have convinced you1 you have only two alternatives3 you must suppose that divinity is temporarily lodged either in the actor--a ,polus1 an ,aristodemus1 a ,satyrus--1 or else in the actual masks1 buskins1 long tunics1 cloaks1 gloves1 stomachers1 padding1 and ornamental paraphernalia in general of tragedy--a manifest absurdity2 for when ,euripides can speak his own sentiments unfettered by dramatic necessity1 observe the freedom of his remarks3 ,dost see this aether stretching infinite1 ,and girdling earth with close yet soft embrace8 ,that reckon thou thy ,zeus1 that name thy ,god4 ,and again1 ,zeus1 whatever ,zeus may be 7for1 save by hearsay1 ,i know not7--2 and there is more of the same sort4 ,ti4 ,well1 but all men--ay1 all nations--have acknowledged and1 feted ,gods2 was it all delusion8 ,da4 ,thank you2 a timely reminder2 national observances show better than anything else how vague religious theory is4 ,confusion is endless1 and beliefs as many as believers4 ,scythia makes offerings to a scimetar1 ,thrace to the ,samian runaway ,zamolxis1 ,phrygia to a ,month-,god1 ,ethiopia to a ,day-,goddess1 ,cyllene to ,phales1 ,assyria to a dove1 ,persia to fire1 ,egypt to water4 ,in ,egypt1 though1 besides the universal worship of water1 ,memphis has a private cult of the ox1 ,pelusium of the onion1 other cities of the ibis or the crocodile1 others again of baboon1 cat1 or monkey4 ,nay1 the very villages have their specialities3 one deifies the right shoulder1 and another across the river the left2 one a half skull1 another an earthenware bowl or platter4 ,come1 my fine fellow1 is it not all ridiculous8 ,mo4 ,what did ,i tell you1 ,gods8 ,all this was sure to come out and be carefully overhauled4 ,zeus4 ,you did1 ,momus1 and your strictures were justified2 if once we come safe out of this present peril1 ,i will try to introduce reforms4 ,ti4 ,infidel6 where do you find the source of oracles and prophecies1 if not in the ,gods and their ,providence8 ,da4 ,about oracles1 friend1 the less said the better2 ,i shall ask you to choose your instances1 you see4 ,will ,apollo's answer to the ,lydian suit you8 ,that was as symmetrical as a double-edged knife2 or say1 it faced both ways1 like those ,hermae which are made double1 alike whether you look at front or back4 ,consider2 will ,croesus's passage of the ,halys destroy his own realm1 or ,cyrus's8 ,tet the wretched ,sardian paid a long price for his ambidextrous hexameter4 ,mo4 ,the man is realizing just my worst apprehensions4 ,where is our handsome musician now8 ,ah1 there you are2 go down and plead your own cause against him4 ,zeus4 ,hush1 ,momus2 you are murdering our feelings2 it is no time for recrimination4 ,ti4 ,have a care1 ,damis2 this is sacrilege1 no less2 what you say amounts to razing the temples and upsetting the altars4 ,da4 ,oh1 not all the altars2 what harm do they do1 so long as incense and perfume is the worst of it8 ,as for ,artemis's altar at ,tauri1 though1 and her hideous feasts1 ,i should like it overturned from base to cornice4 ,zeus4 ,whence comes this resistless plague among us8 ,there is none of us he spares2 he is as free with his tongue as a tub orator1 ,and grips by turns the innocent and guilty4 ,mo4 ,the innocent8 ,you will not find many of those among us1 ,zeus4 ,he will soon come to laying hands upon some of the great and eminent1 ,i dare say4 ,ti4 ,do you close your ears even to ,zeus's thunder1 atheist8 ,da4 ,i clearly cannot shut out the thunder2 whether it is ,zeus's thunder1 you know better than ,i perhaps2 you may have interviewed the ,gods4 ,travellers from ,crete tell another story3 there is a tomb there with an inscribed pillar1 stating that ,zeus is long dead1 and not going to thunder any more4 ,mo4 ,i could have told you that was coming long ago4 ,what1 ,zeus8 pale8 and your teeth chattering8 ,what is the matter8 ,you should cheer up1 and treat such manikins with lofty contempt4 ,zeus4 ,contempt8 ,see what a number of them there is--how set against us they are already--and he has them fast by the ears4 ,mo4 ,well1 but you have only to choose1 and you can let down your golden cord1 and then every man of them ,with earth and sky and all thou canst draw up4 ,ti4 ,blasphemer1 have you ever been a voyage8 ,da4 ,many4 ,ti4 ,well1 then1 the wind struck the canvas and filled the sails1 and it or the oars gave you way1 but there was a person responsible for steering and for the safety of the ship8 ,da4 ,certainly4 ,ti4 ,now that ship would not have sailed1 without a steersman2 and do you suppose that this great universe drifts unsteered and uncontrolled8 ,zeus4 ,good1 this time1 ,timocles2 a cogent illustration1 that4 ,da4 ,but1 you pattern of piety1 the earthly navigator makes his plans1 takes his measures1 gives his orders1 with a single eye to efficiency2 there is nothing useless or purposeless on board2 everything is to make navigation easy or possible2 but as for the navigator for whom you claim the management of this vast ship1 he and his crew show no reason or appropriateness in any of their arrangements2 the forestays1 as likely as not1 are made fast to the stern1 and both sheets to the bows2 the anchor will be gold1 the beak lead1 decoration below the water-line1 and unsightliness above4 ,as for the men1 you will find some lazy awkward coward in second or third command1 or a fine swimmer1 active as a cat aloft1 and a handy man generally1 chosen out of all the rest to--pump4 ,it is just the same with the passengers3 here is a gaolbird accommodated with a seat next the captain and treated with reverence1 there a debauchee or parricide or temple-robber in honourable possession of the best place1 while crowds of respectable people are packed together in a corner and hustled by their real inferiors4 ,consider what sort of a voyage ,socrates and ,aristides and ,phocion had of it1 on short rations1 not venturing1 for the filth1 to stretch out their legs on the bare deck2 and on the other hand what a comfortable1 luxurious1 contemptuous life it was for ,callias or ,midias or ,sardanapalus4 ,that is how things go on board your ship1 sir wiseacre2 and who shall count the wrecks8 ,if there had been a captain supervising and directing1 in the first place he would have known the difference between good and bad passengers1 and in the second he would have given them their deserts2 the better would have had the better accommodation above by his side1 and the worse gone below2 with some of the better he would have shared his meals and his counsels4 ,so too for the crew3 the keen sailor would have been made look-out man or captain of the watch1 or given some sort of precedence1 and the lazy shirker have tasted the rope's end half a dozen times a day4 ,the metaphorical ship1 your worship1 is likely to be capsized by its captain's incompetence4 ,mo4 ,he is sweeping on to victory1 with wind and tide4 ,zeus4 ,too probable1 ,momus4 ,and ,timocles never gets hold of an effective idea2 he can only ladle out trite commonplaces higgledy-piggledy--no sooner heard than refuted4 ,ti4 ,well1 well2 my ship leaves you unconvinced2 ,i must drop my sheet-anchor1 then2 that at least is unbreakable4 ,zeus4 ,i wonder what it is4 ,ti4 ,see whether this is a sound syllogism2 can you upset it8--,if there are altars1 there are ,gods3 there are altars2 therefore1 there are ,gods4 ,now then4 ,da4 ,ha1 ha1 ha6 ,i will answer as soon as ,i can get done with laughing4 ,ti4 ,will you never stop8 ,at least tell me what the joke is4 ,da4 ,why1 you don't see that your anchor 7sheet-anchor1 too7 hangs by a mere thread4 ,you defend on connexion between the existence of ,gods and the existence of altars1 and fancy yourself safe at anchor6 ,as you admit that this was your sheet-anchor1 there is nothing further to detain us4 ,ti4 ,you retire2 you confess yourself beaten1 then8 ,da4 ,yes2 we have seen you take sanctuary at the altars under persecution4 ,at those altars ,i am ready 7the sheet-anchor be my witness7 to swear peace and cease from strife4 ,ti4 ,tou are playing with me1 are you1 you vile body-snatcher1 you loathsome well-whipped scum6 ,as if we didn't know who your father was1 how your mother was a harlot6 ,you strangled your own brother1 you live in fornication1 you debauch the young1 you unabashed lecher6 ,don't be in such a hurry2 here is something for you to take with you2 this broken pot will serve me to cut your foul throat4 ,zeus4 ,damis makes off with a laugh1 and the other after him1 calling him names1 mad at his insolence4 ,he will get him on the head with that pottery1 ,i know4 ,and now1 what are we to do8 ,herm4 ,why1 the man in the comedy was not far out3 ,put a good face on #8t1 and thou hast no harm4 ,it is no such terrible disaster1 if a few people go away infected4 ,there are plenty who take the other view--a majority of ,greeks1 the body and dregs of the people1 and the barbarians to a man4 ,zeus4 ,ah1 ,hermes1 but there is a great deal in ,darius's remark about ,zopyrus--,i would rather have had one ally like ,damis than be the lord of a thousand ,babylons4 ,,the ,,cock ,micyllus4 ,a ,cock ,mi4 ,detested bird6 ,may ,zeus crunch your every bone6 ,shrill1 envious brute3 to wake me from delightful dreams of wealth and magic blessedness with those piercing1 deafening notes6 ,am ,i not even in sleep to find a refuge from ,poverty1 ,poverty more vile than your vile self8 ,why1 it cannot be midnight yet3 all is hushed2 numbness--sure messenger of approaching dawn--has not yet performed its morning office upon my limbs3 and this wakeful brute 7one would think he was guarding the golden fleece7 starts crowing before night has fairly begun4 ,but he shall pay for it4--,yes2 only wait till daylight comes1 and my stick shall avenge me2 ,i am not going to flounder about after you in the dark4 ,cock4 ,why1 master1 ,i meant to give you a pleasant surprise3 ,i borrowed what ,i could from the night1 that you might be up early and break the back of your work2 think1 if you get a shoe done before sunrise1 you are so much the nearer to earning your day's bread4 ,however1 if you prefer to sleep1 ,i have done2 ,i will be mute as any fish4 ,only you may find your rich dreams followed by a hungry awakening4 ,mi4 ,god of portents6 ,heracles preserve us from the evil to come6 ,my cock has spoken with a human voice4 ,cock4 ,and what if he has8 ,is that so very portentous8 ,mi4 ,i should think it was4 ,all ,gods avert the omen6 ,cock4 ,micyllus1 ,i am afraid your education has been sadly neglected4 ,if you had read your ,homer1 you would know that ,achilles's horse ,xanthus declined to have anything more to do with neighing1 and stood on the field of battle spouting whole hexameters2 he was not content with plain prose like me2 he even took to prophecy1 and foretold to ,achilles what should befall him4 ,nor was this considered anything out of the way2 ,achilles saw nothing portentous about it1 nor did he invoke ,heracles on the occasion4 ,what a fuss you would have made1 if the keel of the ,argo had addressed a remark to you1 or the leaves of the ,dodonaean oak had opened their mouths and prophesied2 or if you had seen ox- hides crawling about1 and heard the half-cooked flesh of the beasts bellowing on the spit6 ,as for me1 considering my connexion with ,hermes--most loquacious1 most argumentative of ,gods--and my familiar intercourse with mankind1 it was only to be expected that ,i should pick up your language pretty quickly4 ,nay1 there is a still better reason for my conversational powers1 which ,i don't mind telling you1 if you will promise to keep quiet about it4 ,mi4 ,am ,i dreaming still1 or is this bird really talking to me8--,in ,hermes' name then1 good creature1 out with your better reason2 ,i will be mum1 never fear2 it shall go no further4 ,why1 who would believe the story1 when ,i told him that ,i had it from a cock8 ,cock4 ,listen4 ,you will doubtless be surprised to learn that not so long ago the cock who stands before you was a man4 ,mi4 ,why1 to be sure1 ,i have heard something like this before about a cock4 ,it was the story of a young man called ,alectryon ,footnote3 ,alectryon is the ,greek word for a cock42 he was a friend of ,ares1--used to join in his revels and junketings1 and give him a hand in his love affairs4 ,whenever ,ares went to pay a sly visit to ,aphrodite1 he used to take ,alectryon with him1 and as he was particularly afraid that the ,sun would see him1 and tell ,hephaestus1 he would always leave ,alectryon at the door1 so that he might give him warning when the ,sun was up4 ,but one day ,alectryon fell asleep1 and unwittingly betrayed his trust2 the consequence was that the ,sun got a peep at the lovers1 while ,ares was having a comfortable nap1 relying on ,alectryon to tell him if any one came4 ,hephaestus heard of it1 and caught them in that cage of his1 which he had long had waiting for them4 ,when ,ares was released1 he was so angry with ,alectryon that he turned him into a cock1 armour and all1 as is shown by his crest2 and that is what makes you cocks in such a hurry to crow at dawn1 to let us know that the ,sun is coming up presently2 it is your way of apologizing to ,ares1 though crowing will not mend matters now4 ,cock4 ,yes1 there is that story too3 but that is nothing to do with mine2 ,i only became a cock quite lately4 ,mi4 ,but what ,i want to know is1 how did it happen8 ,cock4 ,did you ever hear of ,pythagoras of ,samos1 son of ,mnesarchus8 ,mi4 ,what1 that sophist quack1 who forbade the eating of meat1 and would have banished beans from our tables 7no beans1 indeed6 my favourite food671 and who wanted people to go for five years without speaking8 ,cock4 ,and who1 ,i may add1 was ,euphorbus before he was ,pythagoras4 ,mi4 ,he was a knave and a humbug1 that ,pythagoras1 by all accounts4 ,cock4 ,that ,pythagoras1 my worthy friend1 is now before you in person3 spare his feelings1 especially as you know nothing about his real character4 ,mi4 ,portent upon portent6 a cock philosopher6 ,but proceed1 son of ,mnesarchus3 how came you to change from man to bird1 from ,samos to ,tanagra8 ,footnote3 ,see ,notes4 ',tis an unconvincing story2 ,i find a difficulty in swallowing it4 ,i have noticed two things about you already1 which do not look much like ,pythagoras4 ,cock4 ,yes8 ,mi4 ,for one thing1 you are garrulous2 ,i might say noisy4 ,now1 if ,i am not mistaken1 ,pythagoras advocated a course of five years' silence at a stretch4 ,as for the other1 it is rank heresy4 ,you will remember that yesterday1 not having anything else to give you1 ,i brought you some beans3 and you1--you gobbled them up without thinking twice about it6 ,either you lied when you told me you were ,pythagoras1 or else you have sinned against your own laws3 in eating those beans1 you have as good as bolted your own father's head4 ,cock4 ,ah1 you don't understand1 ,micyllus4 ,there is a reason for these things3 different diets suit different creatures4 ,i was a philosopher in those days3 accordingly ,i abstained from beans4 ,now1 on the contrary1 ,i propose to eat beans2 they are an unexceptionable diet for birds4 ,and now if you like ,i will tell you how from being ,pythagoras ,i have come to be--what you see me2 and all about the other lives ,i have lived1 and what were the good points of each4 ,mi4 ,tell on2 there is nothing ,i should like better4 ,indeed1 if ,i were given my choice between hearing your story1 and having my late dream of riches over again1 ,i don't know which ,i should decide on4 ',twas a sweet vision1 of joys above all price3 yet not above the tale of my cock's adventures4 ,cock4 ,what1 still puzzling over the import of a dream8 ,still busy with vain phantoms1 chasing a visionary happiness through your head1 that #8fleeting' joy1 as the poet calls it8 ,mi4 ,ah1 cock1 cock1 ,i shall never forget it4 ,that dream has left its honeyed spell on my eyelids2 'tis all ,i can do to open them2 they would fain close once more in sleep4 ,as a feather tickles the ear1 so did that vision tickle my imagination4 ,cock4 ,bless me1 you seem to be very hard hit4 ,dreams are winged1 so they say1 and their flight circumscribed by sleep3 this one seems to have broken bounds1 and taken up its abode in wakeful eyes1 transferring thither its honeyed spell1 its lifelike presence4 ,tell me this dream of your desire4 ,mi4 ,with all my heart2 it is a joy to remember it1 and to speak of it4 ,but what about your transformations8 ,cock4 ,they must wait till you have done dreaming1 and wiped the honey from your eyelids4 ,so you begin3 ,i want to see which gates the dream came through1 the ivory or the horn4 ,mi4 ,through neither4 ,cock4 ,well1 but these are the only two that ,homer mentions4 ,mi4 ,homer may go hang3 what does a babbling poet know about dreams8 ,pauper dreams may come through those gates1 for all ,i know2 that was the kind that ,homer saw1 and not over clearly at that1 as he was blind4 ,but my beauty came through golden gates1 golden himself and clothed in gold and bringing gold4 ,cock4 ,enough of gold1 most gentle ,midas2 for to a ,midas- prayer it is that ,i trace your vision2 you must have dreamt whole minefuls4 ,mi4 ,gold upon gold was there2 picture if you can that glorious lightning-flash6 ,what is it that ,pindar says about gold8 ,can you help me to it8 ,he says water is best1 and then very properly proceeds to sing the praises of gold2 it comes at the beginning of the book1 and a beautiful ode it is4 ,cock4 ,what about this8 ,chiefest of all good we hold ,water3 even so doth gold1 ,like a fire that flameth through the night1 ,shine mid lordly wealth most lordly bright4 ,mi4 ,the very words2 ,i could fancy that ,pindar had seen my vision4 ,and now1 my philosophic cock1 ,i will proceed to details4 ,that ,i did not dine at home last night1 you are already aware2 the wealthy ,eucrates had met me in the morning1 and told me to come to dinner after my bath at his usual hour4 ,cock4 ,too well do ,i know it1 after starving all day long4 ,it was quite late before you came home--half-seas over--and gave me those five beans2 rather short commons for a cock who has been an athlete in his day1 and contended at ,olympia1 not without distinction4 ,mi4 ,well1 so when ,i got back1 and had given you the beans1 ,i went to sleep1 and ,through the ambrosial night a dream divine-- ah1 divine indeed6-- ,cock4 ,wait3 let us have ,eucrates first4 ,what sort of a dinner was it8 ,tell me all about it4 ,seize the opportunity3 dine once more in waking dream2 chew the cud of prandial reminiscence4 ,mi4 ,i thought all that would bore you2 however1 if you are curious1 all right4 ,i had never dined at a great house in my life before1 when yesterday1 in a lucky hour for me1 ,i fell in with ,eucrates4 ,after saluting him respectfully as usual1 ,i was making off--not to bring discredit on him by walking at his side in my shabby clothes--when he spoke to me3 #8,micyllus1' he said1 #8it is my daughter's birthday to-day1 and ,i have invited a number of friends to celebrate it4 ,one of them1 ,i hear1 is indisposed1 and will not be able to come2 you can take his place1 always provided that ,i do not hear from him1 for at present ,i do not know whether to expect him or not4' ,i made my bow1 and departed1 praying that ague1 pleurisy1 and gout might light upon the invalid whose appetite ,i had the honour to represent4 ,i thought bath-time would never come2 ,i could not keep my eyes off the dial3 where was the shadow now8 could ,i go yet8 ,at last it really was time3 ,i scraped the dirt off1 and made myself smart1 turning my cloak inside out1 so that the clean side might be uppermost4 ,among the numerous guests assembled at the door1 whom should ,i see but the very man whose understudy ,i was to be1 the invalid1 in a litter6 ,he was evidently in a sad way2 groaning and coughing and spitting in the most alarmingly emphatic manner2 ghostly pale1 puffy1 and not much less1 ,i reckoned1 than sixty years old4 ,he was a philosopher1 so they said1--one of those who fill boys' heads with nonsensical ideas4 ,certainly his beard was well adapted to the part he played2 it cried aloud for the barber4 ,archibius the doctor asked him what induced him to venture out in that state of health4 #8,oh1' says he1 #8a man must not shirk his duties1 least of all a philosopher2 no matter if a thousand ailments stand in his way4 ,eucrates would have taken it as a slight4' #8,you're out there1' ,i cried2 #8,eucrates would be only too glad if you would cough out your soul at home instead of doing it at his table4' ,he made as if he had not heard my jest2 he was above such things4 ,presently in came ,eucrates from his bath1 and seeing ,thesmopolis 7the philosopher71 #8,ah1 ,professor1' says he1 #8,i am glad to see you here2 not that it would have made any difference1 even if you had stayed at home2 ,i should have had everything sent over to you4' ,and with that he took the philosopher's hand1 and with the help of the slaves1 conducted him in4 ,i thought it was time for me to be going about my business3 however1 ,eucrates turned round to me1 and seeing how glum ,i looked1 #8,micyllus1' says he1 after a good deal of humming and ha'ing1 #8you must join us2 we shall find room for you2 ,i can send my boy to dine with his mother and the women4' ,it had very nearly turned out a wild-goose chase1 but not quite3 ,i walked in1 feeling rather ashamed of myself for having done the boy out of his dinner4 ,we were now to take our places4 ,thesmopolis was first hoisted into his1 with some difficulty1 by five stalwart youths1 who propped him up on every side with cushions to keep him in his place and enable him to hold out to the end4 ,as no one else was disposed to have him for a neighbour1 that privilege was assigned to me without ceremony4 ,and then dinner was brought in3 such dainties1 ,pythagoras1 such variety6 and everything served on gold or silver4 ,golden cups1 smart servants1 musicians1 jesters1-- altogether1 it was delightful4 ,thesmopolis1 though1 annoyed me a good deal3 he kept on worrying about virtue1 and explaining how two negatives make one positive1 and how when it is day it is not night ,footnote3 ,see ,puzzles in ,notes42 among other things1 he would have it that ,i had horns ,footnote3 ,see ,puzzles in ,notes44 ,i wanted none of his philosophy1 but on he went1 quite spoiling my pleasure2 it was impossible to listen to the music and singing4 ,so that is what the dinner was like4 ,cock4 ,not much of a one1 especially with that old fool for your neighbour4 ,mi4 ,and now for the dream1 which was about no other than ,eucrates4 ,how it came about ,i don't know1 but ,eucrates was childless1 and was on his death-bed2 he sent for me and made his will1 leaving everything to me1 and soon after died4 ,i now came into the property1 and ladled out gold and silver by the bucketful from springs that never dried2 furniture and plate1 clothes and servants1 all were mine4 ,i drove abroad1 the admiration of all eyes and the envy of all hearts1 lolling in my carriage behind a pair of creams1 with a crowd of attendants on horseback and on foot in front of me1 and a larger crowd behind4 ,dressed in ,eucrates's splendid clothes1 my fingers loaded with a score or so of rings1 ,i ordered a magnificent feast to be prepared for the entertainment of my friends4 ,the next moment they were there1--it happens so in dreams2 dinner was brought in1 the wine splashed in the cups4 ,i was pledging each of my friends in turn in beakers of gold1 and the biscuits were just being brought in1 when that unlucky crow of yours spoilt all3 over went the tables1 and away flew my visionary wealth to all the quarters of ,heaven4 ,had ,i not some reason to be annoyed with you8 ,i could have gone on with that dream for three nights on end4 ,cock4 ,is the love of gold so absorbing a passion8 ,gold the only thing you can find to admire8 ,the possession of gold the sole happiness8 ,mi4 ,i am not the only one1 ,pythagoras4 ,why1 you yourself 7when you were ,euphorbus7 used to go to battle with your hair adorned with gold and silver1 though iron would have been more to the point than gold under the circumstances2 however1 you thought differently1 and fought with a golden circlet about your brow2 which ,i suppose is why ,homer compares your hair to that of the ,graces in gold and silver clasped4 ,no doubt its charm would be greatly enhanced by the glitter of the interwoven gold4 ,after all1 though1 you1 my golden-haired friend1 were but the son of ,panthus2 one can understand your respect for gold4 ,but the father of ,gods and men1 the son of ,cronus and ,rhea himself1 could find no surer way to the heart of his ,argive enchantress ,footnote3 ,danae4--or to those of her gaolers--than this same metal2 you know the story1 how he turned himself into gold1 and came showering down through the roof into the presence of his beloved8 ,need ,i say more8 ,need ,i point out the useful purposes that gold serves8 the beauty and wisdom and strength1 the honour and glory it confers on its possessors1 at a moment's notice turning obscurity and infamy into world-wide fame8 ,you know my neighbour and fellow craftsman1 ,simon1 who supped with me not long since8 ',twas at the ,saturnalia1 the day ,i made that pease-pudding1 with the two slices of sausage in it8 ,cock4 ,i know3 the little snub-nosed fellow1 who went off with our pudding-basin under his arm1--the only one we had2 ,i saw him with these eyes4 ,mi4 ,so it was he who stole that basin6 and he swore by all his ,gods that he knew nothing of it6 ,but you should have called out1 and told me how we were being plundered4 ,cock4 ,i did crow2 it was all ,i could do just then4 ,but what were you going to say about ,simon8 ,mi4 ,he had a cousin1 ,drimylus1 who was tremendously rich4 ,during his lifetime1 ,drimylus never gave him a penny2 and no wonder1 for he never laid a finger on his money himself4 ,but the other day he died1 and ,simon has come in for everything4 ,no more dirty rags for him now1 no more trencher-licking3 he drives abroad clothed in purple and scarlet2 slaves and horses are his1 golden cups and ivory-footed tables1 and men prostrate themselves before him4 ,as for me1 he will not so much as look at me3 it was only the other day that ,i met him1 and said1 #8,good day1 ,simon'3 he flew into a rage3 #8,tell that beggar1' he said1 #8not to cut down my name2 it is ,simonides1 not ,simon4' ,and that is not all1--the women are in love with him too1 and ,simon is coy and cold3 some he receives graciously1 but the neglected ones declare they will hang themselves4 ,see what gold can do6 ,it is like ,aphrodite's girdle1 transforming the unsightly and making them lovely to behold4 ,what say the poets8 ,happy the hand that grasps thee1 ,gold6 and again1 ,gold hath dominion over mortal men4 ,but what are you laughing at8 ,cock4 ,ah1 ,micyllus1 ,i see that you are no wiser than your neighbours2 you have the usual mistaken notions about the rich1 whose life1 ,i assure you1 is far more miserable than your own4 ,i ought to know3 ,i have tried everything1 and been poor man and rich man times out of number4 ,you will find out all about it before long4 ,mi4 ,ah1 to be sure1 it is your turn now4 ,tell me how you came to be changed into a cock1 and what each of your lives was like4 ,cock4 ,very well2 and ,i may remark1 by way of preface1 that of all the lives ,i have ever known none was happier than yours4 ,mi4 ,than mine8 ,exasperating fowl6 ,all ,i say is1 may you have one like it6 ,now then3 begin from ,euphorbus1 and tell me how you came to be ,pythagoras1 and so on1 down to the cock4 ,i'll warrant you have not been through all those different lives without seeing some strange sights1 and having your adventures4 ,cock4 ,how my spirit first proceeded from ,apollo1 and took flight to earth1 and entered into a human form1 and what was the nature of the crime thus expiated1--all this would take too long to tell2 nor is it fitting either for me to speak of such matters or for you to hear of them4 ,i pass to the time when ,i became ,euphorbus1-- ,mi4 ,wait a minute3 have ,i ever been changed in this way8 ,cock4 ,you have4 ,mi4 ,then who was ,i1 do you know8 ,i am curious about that4 ,cock4 ,why1 you were an ,indian ant1 of the gold-digging species4 ,mi4 ,what could induce me1 misguided insect that ,i was1 to leave that life without so much as a grain of gold-dust to supply my needs in this one8 ,and what am ,i going to be next8 ,i suppose you can tell me4 ,if it is anything good1 ,i'll hang myself this moment from the very perch on which you stand4 ,cock4 ,that ,i can on no account divulge4 ,to resume4 ,when ,i was ,euphorbus1 ,i fought at ,troy1 and was slain by ,menelaus4 ,some time then elapsed before ,i entered into the body of ,pythagoras4 ,during this interval1 ,i remained without a habitation1 waiting till ,mnesarchus had prepared one for me4 ,mi4 ,what1 without meat or drink8 ,cock4 ,oh yes2 these are mere bodily requirements4 ,mi4 ,well1 first ,i will have about the ,trojan war4 ,did it all happen as ,homer describes8 ,cock4 ,homer6 ,what should he know of the matter8 ,he was a camel in ,bactria all the time4 ,i may tell you that things were not on such a tremendous scale in those days as is commonly supposed3 ,ajax was not so very tall1 nor ,helen so very beautiful4 ,i saw her3 she had a fair complexion1 to be sure1 and her neck was long enough to suggest her swan parentage ,footnote3 ,see ,helen in ,notes43 but then she was such an age--as old as ,hecuba1 almost4 ,you see1 ,theseus had carried her off first1 and she had lived with him at ,aphidnae3 now ,theseus was a contemporary of ,heracles1 and the former capture of ,troy1 by ,heracles1 had taken place in the generation before mine2 my father1 who told me all this1 remembered seeing ,heracles when he was himself a boy4 ,mi4 ,well1 and ,achilles3 was he so much better than other people1 or is that all stuff and nonsense8 ,cock4 ,ah1 ,i never came across ,achilles2 ,i am not very strong on the ,greeks2 ,i was on the other side1 of course4 ,there is one thing1 though3 ,i made pretty short work of his friend ,patroclus-- ran him clean through with my spear4 ,mi4 ,after which ,menelaus settled you with still greater facility4 ,well1 that will do for ,troy4 ,and when you were ,pythagoras8 ,cock4 ,when ,i was ,pythagoras1 ,i was--not to deceive you--a sophist2 that is the long and short of it4 ,at the same time1 ,i was not uncultured1 not unversed in polite learning4 ,i travelled in ,egypt1 cultivated the acquaintance of the priests1 and learnt wisdom from their mouths2 ,i penetrated into their temples and mastered the sacred books of ,orus and ,isis2 finally1 ,i took ship to ,italy1 where ,i made such an impression on the ,greeks that they reckoned me among the ,gods4 ,mi4 ,i have heard all about that2 and also how you were supposed to have risen from the dead1 and how you had a golden thigh1 and favoured the public with a sight of it on occasion4 ,but what put it into your head to make that law about meat and beans8 ,cock4 ,ah1 don't ask me that1 ,micyllus4 ,mi4 ,but why not8 ,cock4 ,i am ashamed to answer you4 ,mi4 ,come1 out with it6 ,i am your friend and fellow lodger2 we will drop the #8master' now4 ,cock4 ,there was neither common sense nor philosophy in that law4 ,the fact is1 ,i saw that if ,i did just the same as other people1 ,i should draw very few admirers2 my prestige1 ,i considered1 would be in proportion to my originality4 ,hence these innovations1 the motive of which ,i wrapped up in mystery2 each man was left to make his own conjecture1 that all might be equally impressed by my oracular obscurity4 ,there now6 you are laughing at me2 it is your turn this time4 ,mi4 ,i am laughing much more at the folk of ,cortona and ,metapontum and ,tarentum1 and the rest of those mute disciples who worshipped the ground you trod on4 ,and in what form was your spirit next clothed1 after it had put off ,pythagoras8 ,cock4 ,in that of ,aspasia1 the ,milesian courtesan4 ,mi4 ,dear1 dear6 ,and your versatility has even changed sexes8 ,my gallant cock has positively laid eggs in his time8 ,pythagoras has carded and spun8 ,pythagoras the mistress--and the mother--of a ,pericles8 ,my ,pythagoras no better than he should be8 ,cock4 ,i do not stand alone4 ,i had the example of ,tiresias and of ,caeneus2 your gibes touch them as well as me4 ,mi4 ,and did you like being a man best1 or receiving the addresses of ,pericles8 ,cock4 ,ha6 the question that ,tiresias paid so dearly for answering6 ,mi4 ,never mind1 then1--,euripides has settled the point2 he says he would rather bear the shock of battle thrice ,than once the pangs of labour4 ,cock4 ,ah1 just a word in your ear3 those pangs will shortly be your own2 more than once1 in the course of a lengthy career1 you will be a woman4 ,mi4 ,strangulation on the bird6 ,does he think we all hail from ,miletus or ,samos8 ,yes1 ,i said ,samos2 ,pythagoras has had his admirers1 by all accounts1 as well as ,aspasia4 ,however2--what was your sex next time8 ,cock4 ,i was the ,cynic ,crates4 ,mi4 ,castor and ,pollux6 ,what a change was there6 ,cock4 ,then it was a king2 then a pauper1 and presently a satrap1 and after that came horse1 jackdaw1 frog1 and ,i know not how many more2 there is no reckoning them up in detail4 ,latterly1 ,i have been a cock several times4 ,i liked the life2 many is the king1 many the pauper and millionaire1 with whom ,i took service in that capacity before ,i came to you4 ,in your lamentations about poverty1 and your admiration of the rich1 ,i find an unfailing source of entertainment2 little do you know what those rich have to put up with6 ,if you had any idea of their anxieties1 you would laugh to think how you had been deceived as to the blessedness of wealth4 ,mi4 ,well1 ,pythagoras1--or is there any other name you prefer8 ,i shall throw you out1 perhaps1 if ,i keep on calling you different things8 ,cock4 ,euphorbus or ,pythagoras1 ,aspasia or ,crates1 it is all the same to me2 one is as much my name as another4 ,or stay3 not to be wanting in respect to a bird whose humble exterior contains so many souls1 you had better use the evidence of your own eyes and call me ,cock4 ,mi4 ,then1 cock1 as you have tried wellnigh every kind of life1 you can next give me a clear description of the lives of rich and poor respectively2 we will see if there was any truth in your assertion1 that ,i was better off than the rich4 ,cock4 ,well now1 look at it this way4 ,to begin with1 you are very little troubled with military matters4 ,suppose there is talk of an invasion3 you are under no uneasiness about the destruction of your crops1 or the cutting-up of your gardens1 or the ruin of your vines2 at the first sound of the trumpet 7if you even hear it71 all you have to think of is1 how to convey your own person out of harm's way4 ,well1 the rich have got to provide for that too1 and they have the mortification into the bargain of looking on while their lands are being ravaged4 ,is a war-tax to be levied8 ,it all falls on them4 ,when you take the field1 theirs are the posts of honour--and danger3 whereas you1 with no worse encumbrance than your wicker shield1 are in the best of trim for taking care of yourself2 and when the time comes for the general to offer up a sacrifice of thanksgiving for his victory1 your presence may be relied on at the festive scene4 ,then again1 in time of peace1 you1 as one of the commons1 march up to the ,assembly to lord it over the rich1 who tremble and crouch before you1 and seek to propitiate you with grants4 ,they must labour1 that you may be supplied with baths and games and spectacles and the like to your satisfaction2 you are their censor and critic1 their stern taskmaster1 who will not always hear before condemning2 nay1 you may give them a smart shower of stones1 if the fancy takes you1 or confiscate their property4 ,the informer's tongue has no terrors for you2 no burglar will scale or undermine your walls in search of gold2 you are not troubled with book-keeping or debt-collecting2 you have no rascally steward to wrangle with2 none of the thousand worries of the rich distract you4 ,no1 you patch your shoe1 and you take your tenpence2 and at dusk up you jump from your bench1 get a bath if you are in the humour for it1 buy yourself a haddock or some sprats or a few heads of garlic1 and make merry therewith2 ,poverty1 best of philosophers1 is your companion1 and you are seldom at a loss for a song4 ,and what is the result8 ,health and strength1 and a hardiness that sets cold at defiance4 ,your work keeps you keen-set2 the ills that seem insuperable to other men find a tough customer in you4 ,why1 no serious sickness ever comes near you3 fever1 perhaps1 lays a light hand on you now and again2 you let him have his way for a day or two1 and then you are up again1 and shake the pest off2 he beats a hasty retreat1 not liking the look of a man who drinks cold water at that rate1 and has such a short way with the doctors4 ,but look at the rich3 name the disease to which these creatures are not subjected by their intemperance2 gout1 consumption1 pneumonia1 dropsy1--they all come of high feeding4 ,some of these men are like ,icarus3 they fly too high1 they get near the sun1 not realizing that their wings are fastened with wax2 and then some day there is a great splash1 and they have disappeared headlong into the deep4 ,others there are who follow ,daedalus's example2 such minds eschew the upper air1 and keep their wax within splashing distance of the sea2 these generally get safely to their journey's end4 ,mi4 ,shrewd1 sensible fellows4 ,cock4 ,yes1 but among the others you may see some ugly shipwrecks4 ,croesus is plucked of his feathers1 and mounts a pyre for the amusement of the ,persians4 ,a tyranny capsizes1 and the lordly ,dionysius is discovered teaching ,corinthian children their alphabet4 ,mi4 ,you tell me1 cock1 that you have been a king yourself3 now how did you find the life8 ,i expect you had a pleasant time of it1 living on the very fat of the land8 ,cock4 ,do not remind me of that miserable existence4 ,a pleasant time6 ,so people thought1 no doubt3 ,i knew better2 it was vexation upon vexation4 ,mi4 ,you surprise me4 ,how should that be8 ,it sounds unlikely4 ,cock4 ,the country over which ,i ruled was both extensive and fertile4 ,its population and the beauty of its cities alike entitled it to the highest consideration4 ,it possessed navigable rivers and excellent harbours4 ,my army was large1 my pike-men numerous1 my cavalry in a high state of efficiency2 it was the same with my fleet2 and my wealth was beyond calculation4 ,no circumstance of kingly pomp was wanting2 gold plate in abundance1 everything on the most magnificent scale4 ,i could not leave my palace without receiving the reverential greetings of the public1 who looked on me as a ,god1 and crowded together to see me pass2 some enthusiasts would even betake themselves to the roofs of the houses1 lest any detail of my equipage1 clothes1 crown or attendants should escape them4 ,i could make allowance for the ignorance of my subjects1 but this did not prevent me from pitying myself1 when ,i reflected on the vexations and worries of my position4 ,i was like those colossal statues1 the work of ,phidias1 ,myron or ,praxiteles3 they too look extremely well from outside3 'tis ,posidon with his trident1 ,zeus with his thunderbolt1 all ivory and gold3 but take a peep inside1 and what have we8 ,one tangle of bars1 bolts1 nails1 planks1 wedges1 with pitch and mortar and everything that is unsightly2 not to mention a possible colony of rats or mice4 ,there you have royalty4 ,mi4 ,but you have not told me what is the mortar1 what the bolts and bars and other unsightlinesses that lurk behind a throne4 ,admiration1 dominion1 divine honours1--these no doubt fit your simile2 there is a touch of the godlike about them4 ,but now let me have the inside of your colossus4 ,cock4 ,and where shall ,i begin8 ,with fear and suspicion8 ,the resentments of courtiers and the machinations of conspirators8 ,scant and broken sleep1 troubled dreams1 perplexities1 forebodings8 ,or again with the hurry of business--fiscal--legal--military8 ,orders to be issued1 treaties to be drawn up1 estimates to be formed8 ,as for pleasure1 such a thing is not to be dreamt of2 no1 one man must think for all1 toil incessantly for all4 ,the ,achaean host is snoring to a man3 ,but sweet sleep came not nigh to ,atreus' son1 ,who pondered many things within his heart4 ,lydian ,croesus is troubled because his son is dumb2 ,persian ,artaxerxes1 because ,clearchus is raising a host for ,cyrus2 ,dionysius1 because ,dion whispers in ,syracusan ears2 ,alexander1 because ,parmenio is praised4 ,perdiccas has no peace for ,ptolemy1 ,ptolemy none for ,seleucus4 ,and there are other griefs than these3 his favourite is cold2 his concubine loves another2 there is talk of a rebellion2 there has been muttering among a half-dozen of his guards4 ,and the bitterness of it is1 that his nearest and dearest are those whom he is most called on to distrust2 from them he must ever look for harm4 ,one we see poisoned by his son1 another by his own favourite2 and a third will probably fare no better4 ,mi4 ,whew6 ,i like not this1 my cock4 ,methinks there is safety in bent backs and leather-cutting1 and none in golden loving-cups2 ,i will pledge no man in hemlock or in aconite4 ,all ,i have to fear is that my knife may slip out of the line1 and draw a drop or two from my fingers3 but your kings would seem to sit down to dinner with ,death1 and to lead dogs' lives into the bargain4 ,they go at last2 and then they are more like play-actors than anything else--like such a one as you may see taking the part of ,cecrops or ,sisyphus or ,telephus4 ,he has his diadem and his ivory-hilted sword1 his waving hair and spangled cloak3 but accidents will happen1-- suppose he makes a false step3 down he comes on the middle of the stage1 and the audience roars with laughter4 ,for there is his mask1 crumpled up1 diadem and all1 and his own bloody coxcomb showing underneath it2 his legs are laid bare to the knees1 and you see the dirty rags inside his fine robe1 and the great lumbering buskins4 ,ha1 ha1 friend cock1 have ,i learnt to turn a simile already8 ,well1 there are my views on tyranny4 ,now for the horses and dogs and frogs and fishes3 how did you like that kind of thing8 ,cock4 ,your question would take a long time to answer2 more time than we can spare4 ,but--to sum up my experience in two words-- every one of these creatures has an easier life of it than man4 ,their aims1 their wants1 are all confined to the body3 such a thing as a tax-farming horse or a litigant frog1 a jackdaw sophist1 a gnat confectioner1 or a cock pander1 is unknown2 they leave such things to humanity4 ,mi4 ,it may be as you say4 ,but1 cock 7,i don't mind making a clean breast of it to you71 ,i have had a fancy all my life for being rich1 and ,i am as bad as ever2 nay1 worse1 for there is the dream1 still flaunting its gold before my eyes2 and that confounded ,simon1 too1--it chokes me to think of him rolling in luxury4 ,cock4 ,i'll put that right4 ,it is still dark1 get up and come with me4 ,you shall pay a visit to ,simon and other rich men1 and see how things stand with them4 ,mi4 ,but the doors are locked4 ,would you have me break in8 ,cock4 ,oh no2 but ,i have a certain privilege from ,hermes1 my patron3 you see my longest tail-feather1 the curling one that hangs down1-- ,mi4 ,there are two curling ones that hang down4 ,cock4 ,the one on the right4 ,by allowing any one to pluck out that feather and carry it1 ,i give him the power1 for as long as ,i like1 of opening all doors and seeing everything1 himself unseen4 ,mi4 ,cock1 you are a positive conjurer4 ,only give me the feather1 and it shall not be long before ,simon's wealth shifts its quarters2 ,i'll slip in and make a clean sweep4 ,his teeth shall tug leather again4 ,cock4 ,that must not be4 ,i have my instructions from ,hermes1 and if my feather is put to any such purpose1 ,i am to call out and expose the offender4 ,mi4 ,hermes1 of all people1 grudge a man a little thievery8 ,i'll not believe it of him4 ,however1 let us start2 ,i promise not to touch the gold 444 if ,i can help it4 ,cock4 ,you must pluck out the feather first4444 ,what's this8 ,you have taken both6 ,mi4 ,better to be on the safe side4 ,and it would look so bad to have one half of your tail gone and not the other4 ,cock4 ,well4 ,where shall we go first8 ,to ,simon's8 ,mi4 ,yes1 yes1 ,simon first4 ,simonides it is1 nowadays2 two syllables is not enough for him since he has come into money4444 ,here we are2 what do ,i do next8 ,cock4 ,apply the feather to the bolt4 ,mi4 ,so4 ,heracles6 it might be a key2 the door flies open4 ,cock4 ,walk in2 you go first4 ,do you see him8 ,he is sitting up over his accounts4 ,mi4 ,see him6 ,i should think ,i did4 ,what a light6 ,that lamp wants a drink4 ,and what makes ,simon so pale8 ,he is shrivelled up to nothing4 ,that comes of his worries2 there is nothing else the matter with him1 that ,i have heard of4 ,cock4 ,listen1 and you will understand4 ,si4 ,that seventeen thousand in the hole under my bed is safe enough2 not a soul saw me that time4 ,but ,i believe ,sosylus caught me hiding the four thousand under the manger3 he is not the most industrious of grooms1 he was never too fond of work2 but he lives in that stable now4 ,and ,i expect that is not all that has gone1 by a long way4 ,what was ,tibius doing with those fine great kippers yesterday8 ,and they tell me he paid no less a sum than four shillings for a pair of earrings for his wife4 ,god help me1 it's my money they're flinging about4 ,i'm not easy about all that plate either3 what if some one should knock a hole in the wall1 and make off with it8 ,many is the one that envies me1 and has an eye on my gold2 my neighbour ,micyllus is as bad as any of them4 ,mi4 ,hear1 hear6 ,he is as bad as ,simon2 he walks off with other people's pudding-basins under his arm4 ,cock4 ,hush6 we shall be caught4 ,si4 ,there's nothing like sitting up1 and having everything under one's own eye4 ,i'll jump up and go my rounds4444 ,you there6 you burglar6 ,i see you4444 ,ah1 it is but a post2 all is well4 ,i'll pull up the gold and count it again2 ,i may have missed something just now4444 ,hark6 a step6 ,i knew it2 he is upon me6 ,i am beset with enemies4 ,the world conspires against me4 ,where is my dagger8 ,only let me catch 444--,i'll put the gold back4 ,cock4 ,there3 now you have seen ,simon at home4 ,let us go on to another house1 while there is still some of the night left4 ,mi4 ,the worm6 what a life6 ,i wish all my enemies such wealth as his4 ,i'll just lend him a box on the ear1 and then ,i am ready4 ,si4 ,who was that8 ,some one struck me6 ,ah6 ,i am robbed6 ,mi4 ,whine away1 ,simon1 and sit up of nights till you are as yellow as the gold you clutch4--,i should like to go to ,gniphon the usurer's next2 it is quite close4444 ,again the door opens to us4 ,cock4 ,he is sitting up too1 look4 ,it is an anxious time with him2 he is reckoning his interest4 ,his fingers are worn to the bone4 ,presently he will have to leave all this1 and become a cockroach1 or a gnat1 or a bluebottle4 ,mi4 ,senseless brute6 it will hardly be a change for the worse4 ,he1 like ,simon1 is pretty well thinned down by his calculations4 ,let us try some one else4 ,cock4 ,what about your friend ,eucrates8 ,see1 the door stands open2 let us go in4 ,mi4 ,an hour ago1 all this was mine6 ,cock4 ,still the golden dream6--,look at the hoary old reprobate3 with one of his own slaves6 ,mi4 ,monstrous6 ,and his wife is not much better2 she takes her paramour from the kitchen4 ,cock4 ,well8 ,is the inheritance to your liking8 ,will you have it all8 ,mi4 ,i will starve first4 ,good-bye to gold and high living4 ,preserve me from my own servants1 and ,i will call myself rich on twopence-halfpenny4 ,cock4 ,well1 well1 we must be getting home2 see1 it is just dawn4 ,the rest must wait for another day4 ,,icaromenippus1 ,,an ,,aerial ,,expedition ,menippus and a ,friend ,me4 ,let me see1 now4 ,first stage1 ,earth to ,moon1 #cej miles4 ,second stage1 up to the ,sun1 #ejj leagues4 ,then the third1 to the actual ,heaven and ,zeus's citadel1 might be put at a day's journey for an eagle in light marching order4 ,fr4 ,in the name of goodness1 ,menippus1 what are these astronomical sums you are doing under your breath8 ,i have been dogging yon for some time1 listening to your suns and moons1 queerly mixed up with common earthly stages and leagues4 ,me4 ,ah1 you must not be surprised if my talk is rather exalted and ethereal2 ,i was making out the mileage of my journey4 ,fr4 ,oh1 ,i see2 using stars to steer by1 like the ,phoenicians8 ,me4 ,oh no1 travelling among them4 ,fr4 ,well1 to be sure1 it must have been a longish dream1 if you lost yourself in it for whole leagues4 ,me4 ,dream1 my good man8 ,i am just come straight from ,zeus4 ,dream1 indeed6 ,fr4 ,how8 ,what8 ,our ,menippus a literal godsend from ,heaven8 ,me4 ',tis even so2 from very ,zeus ,i come this day1 eyes and ears yet full of wonders4 ,oh1 doubt1 if you will4 ,that my fortune should pass belief makes it only the more gratifying4 ,fr4 ,nay1 my worshipful ,olympian1 how should ,i1 #8a man begotten1 treading this poor earth1' doubt him who transcends the clouds1 a #8denizen of ,heaven1' as ,homer says8 ,but vouchsafe to tell me how you were uplifted1 and where you got your mighty tall ladder4 ,there is hardly enough of ,ganymede in your looks to suggest that you were carried off by the eagle for a cupbearer4 ,me4 ,i see you are bent on making a jest of it4 ,well1 it is extraordinary2 you could not be expected to see that it is not a romance4 ,the fact is1 ,i needed neither ladder nor amorous eagle2 ,i had wings of my own4 ,fr4 ,stranger and stranger6 this beats ,daedalus4 ,what1 you turned into a hawk or a crow on the sly8 ,me4 ,now that is not a bad shot2 it was ,daedalus's wing trick that ,i tried4 ,fr4 ,well1 talk of foolhardiness6 did you like the idea of falling into the sea1 and giving us a ,mare ,menippeum after the precedent of the ,icarium8 ,me4 ,no fear4 ,icarus's feathers were fastened with wax1 and of course1 directly the sun warmed this1 he moulted and fell4 ,no wax for me1 thank you4 ,fr4 ,how did you manage1 then8 ,i declare ,i shall be believing you soon1 if you go on like this4 ,me4 ,well1 ,i caught a fine eagle1 and also a particularly powerful vulture1 and cut off their wings above the shoulder- joint4444 ,but no2 if you are not in a hurry1 ,i may as well give you the enterprise from the beginning4 ,fr4 ,do1 do2 ,i am rapt aloft by your words already1 my mouth open for your bonne bouche2 as you love me1 leave me not in those upper regions hung up by the ears6 ,me4 ,listen1 then2 it would be a sorry sight1 a friend deserted1 with his mouth open1 and sus4 per aures4--,well1 a very short survey of life had convinced me of the absurdity and meanness and insecurity that pervade all human objects1 such as wealth1 office1 power4 ,i was filled with contempt for them1 realized that to care for them was to lose all chance of what deserved care1 and determined to grovel no more1 but fix my gaze upon the great ,all4 ,here ,i found my first problem in what wise men call the universal order2 ,i could not tell how it came into being1 who made it1 what was its beginning1 or what its end4 ,but my next step1 which was the examination of details1 landed me in yet worse perplexity4 ,i found the stars dotted quite casually about the sky1 and ,i wanted to know what the sun was4 ,especially the phenomena of the moon struck me as extraordinary1 and quite passed my comprehension2 there must be some mystery to account for those many phases1 ,i conjectured4 ,nor could ,i feel any greater certainty about such things as the passage of lightning1 the roll of thunder1 the descent of rain and snow and hail4 ,in this state of mind1 the best ,i could think of was to get at the truth of it all from the people called philosophers2 they of course would be able to give it me4 ,so ,i selected the best of them1 if solemnity of visage1 pallor of complexion and length of beard are any criterion--for there could not be a moment's doubt of their soaring words and heaven-high thoughts--and in their hands ,i placed myself4 ,for a considerable sum down1 and more to be paid when they should have perfected me in wisdom1 ,i was to be made an airy metaphysician and instructed in the order of the universe4 ,unfortunately1 so far from dispelling my previous ignorance1 they perplexed me more and more1 with their daily drenches of beginnings and ends1 atoms and voids1 matters and forms4 ,my greatest difficulty was that1 though they differed among themselves1 and all they said was full of inconsistency and contradiction1 they expected me to believe them1 each pulling me in his own direction4 ,fr4 ,how absurd that wise men should quarrel about facts1 and hold different opinions on the same things6 ,me4 ,ah1 but keep your laughter till you have heard something of their pretentious mystifications4 ,to begin with1 their feet are on the ground2 they are no taller than the rest of us #8men that walk the earth'2 they are no sharper-sighted than their neighbours1 some of them purblind1 indeed1 with age or indolence2 and yet they say they can distinguish the limits of the sky1 they measure the sun's circumference1 take their walks in the supra-lunar regions1 and specify the sizes and shapes of the stars as though they had fallen from them2 often one of them could not tell you correctly the number of miles from ,megara to ,athens1 but has no hesitation about the distance in feet from the sun to the moon4 ,how high the atmosphere is1 how deep the sea1 how far it is round the earth-- they have the figures for all that2 and moreover1 they have only to draw some circles1 arrange a few triangles and squares1 add certain complicated spheres1 and lo1 they have the cubic contents of ,heaven4 ,then1 how reasonable and modest of them1 dealing with subjects so debatable1 to issue their views without a hint of uncertainty2 thus it must be and it shall be2 contra gentes they will have it so2 they will tell you on oath the sun is a molten mass1 the moon inhabited1 and the stars water-drinkers1 moisture being drawn up by the sun's rope and bucket and equitably distributed among them4 ,how their theories conflict is soon apparent2 next-door neighbours8 no1 they are miles apart4 ,in the first place1 their views of the world differ4 ,some say it had no beginning1 and cannot end2 others boldly talk of its creator and his procedure2 what particularly entertained me was that these latter set up a contriver of the universe1 but fail to mention where he came from1 or what he stood on while about his elaborate task1 though it is by no means obvious how there could be place or time before the universe came into being4 ,fr4 ,you really do make them out very audacious conjurers4 ,me4 ,my dear fellow1 ,i wish ,i could give you their lucubrations on ideas and incorporeals1 on finite and infinite4 ,over that point1 now1 there is fierce battle2 some circumscribe the ,all1 others will have it unlimited4 ,at the same time they declare for a plurality of worlds1 and speak scornfully of others who make only one4 ,and there is a bellicose person who maintains that war is the father of the universe4 ,footnote3 ,variously attributed to ,heraclitus1 who denies the possibility of repose1 and insists that all things are in a state of flux2 and to ,empedocles1 who makes all change and becoming depend on the interaction of the two principles1 attraction and repulsion4 ,as to ,gods1 ,i need hardly deal with that question4 ,for some of them ,god is a number2 some swear by dogs and geese and plane-trees4 ,footnote3 ,socrates made a practice of substituting these for the names of ,gods in his oaths4 ,some again banish all other ,gods1 and attribute the control of the universe to a single one2 ,i got rather depressed on learning how small the supply of divinity was4 ,but ,i was comforted by the lavish souls who not only make many1 but classify2 there was a ,first ,god1 and second and third classes of divinity4 ,yet again1 some regard the divine nature as unsubstantial and without form1 while others conceive it as a substance4 ,then they were not all disposed to recognize a ,providence2 some relieve the ,gods of all care1 as we relieve the superannuated of their civic duties2 in fact1 they treat them exactly like supernumeraries on the stage4 ,the last step is also taken1 of saying that ,gods do not exist at all1 and leaving the world to drift along without a master or a guiding hand4 ,well1 when ,i heard all this1 ,i dared not disbelieve people whose voices and beards were equally suggestive of ,zeus4 ,but ,i knew not where to turn for a theory that was not open to exception1 nor combated by one as soon as propounded by another4 ,i found myself in the state ,homer has described2 many a time ,i would vigorously start believing one of these gentlemen2 ,but then came second thoughts4 ,so in my distress ,i began to despair of ever getting any knowledge about these things on earth2 the only possible escape from perplexity would be to take to myself wings and go up to ,heaven4 ,partly the wish was father to the thought2 but it was confirmed by ,aesop's ,fables1 from which it appears that ,heaven is accessible to eagles1 beetles1 and sometimes camels4 ,it was pretty clear that ,i could not possibly develop feathers of my own4 ,but if ,i were to wear vulture's or eagle's wings--the only kinds equal to a man's weight--,i might perhaps succeed4 ,i caught the birds1 and effectually amputated the eagle's right1 and the vulture's left wing4 ,these ,i fastened together1 attached them to my shoulders with broad thick straps1 and provided grips for my hands near the end of the quill-feathers4 ,then ,i made experiments1 first jumping up and helping the jump by flapping my hands1 or imitating the way a goose raises itself without leaving the ground and combines running with flight4 ,finding the machine obedient1 ,i next made a bolder venture1 went up the ,acropolis1 and launched myself from the cliff right over the theatre4 ,getting safely to the bottom that time1 my aspirations shot up aloft4 ,i took to starting from ,parnes or ,hymettus1 flying to ,geranea1 thence to the top of the ,acrocorinthus1 and over ,pholoe and ,erymanthus to ,taygetus4 ,the training for my venture was now complete2 my powers were developed1 and equal to a lofty flight2 no more fledgeling essays for me4 ,i went up ,olympus1 provisioning myself as lightly as possible4 ,the moment was come2 ,i soared skywards1 giddy at first with that great void below1 but soon conquering this difficulty4 ,when ,i approached the ,moon1 long after parting from the clouds1 ,i was conscious of fatigue1 especially in the left or vulture's wing4 ,so ,i alighted and sat down to rest1 having a bird's-eye view of the ,earth1 like the ,homeric ,zeus1 ,surveying now the ,thracian horsemen's land1 ,now ,mysia1 and again1 as the fancy took me1 ,greece or ,persia or ,india4 ,from all which ,i drew a manifold delight4 ,fr4 ,oh well1 ,menippus1 tell me all about it4 ,i do not want to miss a single one of your travel experiences2 if you picked up any stray information1 let me have that too4 ,i promise myself a great many facts about the shape of the ,earth1 and how everything on it looked to you from your point of vantage4 ,me4 ,and you will not be disappointed there1 friend4 ,so do your best to get up to the ,moon1 with my story for travelling companion and showman of the terrestrial scene4 ,imagine yourself first descrying a tiny ,earth1 far smaller than the ,moon looks2 on turning my eyes down1 ,i could not think for some time what had become of our mighty mountains and vast sea4 ,if ,i had not caught sight of the ,colossus of ,rhodes and the ,pharus tower1 ,i assure you ,i should never have made out the ,earth at all4 ,but their height and projection1 with the faint shimmer of ,ocean in the sun1 showed me it must be the ,earth ,i was looking at4 ,then1 when once ,i had got my sight properly focused1 the whole human race was clear to me1 not merely in the shape of nations and cities1 but the individuals1 sailing1 fighting1 ploughing1 going to law2 the women1 the beasts1 and in short every breed #8that feedeth on earth's foison4' ,fr4 ,most unconvincing and contradictory4 ,just now you were searching for the ,earth1 it was so diminished by distance1 and if the ,colossus had not betrayed it1 you would have taken it for something else2 and now you develop suddenly into a ,lynceus1 and distinguish everything upon it1 the men1 the beasts1 one might almost say the gnat-swarms4 ,explain1 please4 ,me4 ,why1 to be sure6 how did ,i come to leave out so essential a particular8 ,i had made out the ,earth1 you see1 but could not distinguish any details2 the distance was so great1 quite beyond the scope of my vision2 so ,i was much chagrined and baffled4 ,at this moment of depression--,i was very near tears--who should come up behind me but ,empedocles the physicist8 ,his complexion was like charcoal variegated with ashes1 as if he had been baked4 ,i will not deny that ,i felt some tremors at the sight of him1 taking him for some lunar spirit4 ,but he said3 #8,do not be afraid1 ,menippus2 ,a mortal ,i1 no ,god2 how vain thy dreams4 ,i am ,empedocles the physicist4 ,when ,i threw myself into the crater in such a hurry1 the smoke of ,etna whirled me off up here2 and now ,i live in the ,moon1 doing a good deal of high thinking on a diet of dew4 ,so ,i have come to help you out of your difficulty2 you are distressed1 ,i take it1 at not being able to see everything on the ,earth4' #8,thank you so much1 you good ,empedocles1' ,i said2 #8as soon as my wings have brought me back to ,greece1 ,i will remember to pour libations to you up the chimney1 and salute you on the first of every month with three moonward yawns4' #8,endymion be my witness1' he replied1 #8,i had no thought of such a bargain2 ,i was touched by the sight of your distress4 ,now1 what do you think is the way to sharpen your sight8' #8,i have no idea1 unless you were to remove the mist from my eyes for me2 the sight seems quite bleared4' #8,oh1 you can do without me2 the thing that gives sharp sight you have brought with you from ,earth4' #8,unconsciously1 then2 what is it8' #8,why1 you know that you have on an eagle's right wing8' #8,of course ,i do2 but what have wings and eyes to do with one another8' #8,only this1' he said2 #8the eagle is far the strongest-eyed of all living things1 the only one that can look straight at the sun2 the test of the true royal eagle is1 his meeting its rays without blinking4' #8,so ,i have heard2 ,i wish ,i had taken out my own eyes when ,i was starting1 and substituted the eagle's4 ,i am an imperfect specimen now ,i am here1 not up to the royal standard at all1 but like the rejected bastards4' #8,well1 you can very soon acquire one royal eye4 ,if you will stand up for a minute1 keep the vulture wing still1 and work the other1 your right eye1 corresponding to that wing1 will gain strength4 ,as for the other1 its dimness cannot possibly be obviated1 as it belongs to the inferior member4' #8,oh1 ,i shall be quite content with aquiline vision for the right eye only1' ,i said2 #8,i have often observed that carpenters in ruling their wood find one better than two4' ,so saying1 ,i proceeded to carry out my instructions at once4 ,empedocles began gradually to disappear1 and at last vanished in smoke4 ,i had no sooner flapped the wing than a flood of light enveloped me1 and things that before ,i had not even been aware of became perfectly clear4 ,i turned my eyes down earthwards1 and with ease discerned cities1 men1 and all that was going on1 not merely in the open1 but in the fancied security of houses4 ,there was ,ptolemy in his sister's arms1 the son of ,lysimachus plotting against his father1 ,seleucus's son ,antiochus making signs to his step-mother ,stratonice1 ,alexander of ,pherae being murdered by his wife1 ,antigonus corrupting his daughter-in-law1 the son of ,attalus putting the poison in his cup2 ,arsaces was in the act of slaying his mistress1 while the eunuch ,arbaces drew his sword upon him2 the guards were dragging ,spatinus the ,mede out from the banquet by the foot1 with the lump on his brow from the golden cup4 ,similar sights were to be seen in the palaces of ,libya and ,scythia and ,thrace-- adulteries1 murders1 treasons1 robberies1 perjuries1 suspicions1 and monstrous betrayals4 ,such was the entertainment afforded me by royalty2 private life was much more amusing2 for ,i could make that out too4 ,i saw ,hermodorus the ,epicurean perjuring himself for #dj pounds1 ,agathocles the ,stoic suing a pupil for his fees1 lawyer ,clinias stealing a bowl from the temple of ,asclepius1 and ,herophilus the cynic sleeping in a brothel4 ,not to mention the multitude of burglars1 litigants1 usurers1 duns2 oh1 it was a fine representative show6 ,fr4 ,i must say1 ,menippus1 ,i should have liked the details here too2 it all seems to have been very much to your taste4 ,me4 ,i could not go through the whole of it1 even to please you2 to take it in with the eyes kept one busy4 ,but the main divisions were very much what ,homer gives from the shield of ,achilles3 here junketings and marriages1 there courts and councils1 in another compartment a sacrifice1 and hard by a mourning4 ,if ,i glanced at ,getica1 ,i would see the ,getae at war2 at ,scythia1 there were the ,scythians wandering about on their waggons2 half a turn in another direction gave me ,egyptians at the plough1 or ,phoenicians chaffering1 ,cilician pirates1 ,spartan flagellants1 ,athenians at law4 ,all this was simultaneous1 you understand2 and you must try to conceive what a queer jumble it all made4 ,it was as if a man were to collect a number of choristers1 or rather of choruses1 ,footnote3 ,the ,greek chorus combined singing with dancing4 and then tell each individual to disregard the others and start a strain of his own2 if each did his best1 went his own way1 and tried to drown his neighbour1 can you imagine what the musical effect would be8 ,fr4 ,a very ridiculous confusion4 ,me4 ,well1 friend1 such are the earthly dancers2 the life of man is just such a discordant performance2 not only are the voices jangled1 but the steps are not uniform1 the motions not concerted1 the objects not agreed upon--until the impresario dismisses them one by one from the stage1 with a #8not wanted4' ,then they are all alike1 and quiet enough1 confounding no longer their undisciplined rival strains4 ,but as long as the show lasts in its marvellous diversity1 there is plenty of food for laughter in its vagaries4 ,the people who most amused me1 however1 were those who dispute about boundaries1 or pride themselves on cultivating the plain of ,sicyon1 or holding the ,oenoe side of ,marathon1 or a thousand acres at ,acharnae4 ,the whole of ,greece1 as ,i then saw it1 might measure some four inches2 how much smaller ,athens on the same scale4 ,so ,i realized what sort of sized basis for their pride remains to our rich men4 ,the widest-acred of them all1 methought1 was the proud cultivator of an ,epicurean atom4 ,then ,i looked at the ,peloponnese1 my eyes fell on the ,cynurian district1 and the thought occurred that it was for this little plot1 no broader than an ,egyptian lentil1 that all those ,argives and ,spartans fell in a single day4 ,or if ,i saw a man puffed up by the possession of seven or eight gold rings and half as many gold cups1 again my lungs would begin to crow2 why1 ,pangaeus with all its mines was about the size of a grain of millet4 ,fr4 ,you lucky man6 what a rare sight you had6 ,and how big1 now1 did the towns and the people look from there8 ,me4 ,you must often have seen a community of ants1 some of them a seething mass1 some going abroad1 others coming back to town4 ,one is a scavenger1 another a bustling porter loaded with a bit of bean-pod or half a wheat grain4 ,they no doubt have1 on their modest myrmecic scale1 their architects and politicians1 their magistrates and composers and philosophers4 ,at any rate1 what men and cities suggested to me was just so many ant-hills4 ,if you think the similitude too disparaging1 look into the ,thessalian legends1 and you will find that the most warlike tribe there was the ,myrmidons1 or ants turned men4 ,well1 when ,i had had enough of contemplation and laughter1 ,i roused myself and soared ,to join the ,gods1 where dwells the ,lord of storms4 ,i had only flown a couple of hundred yards1 when ,selene's feminine voice reached me3 #8,menippus1 do me an errand to ,zeus1 and ,i will wish you a pleasant journey4' #8,you have only to name it1' ,i said1 #8provided it is not something to carry4' #8,it is a simple message of entreaty to ,zeus4 ,i am tired to death1 you must know1 of being slandered by these philosophers2 they have no better occupation than impertinent curiosity about me--,what am ,i8 how big am ,i8 why am ,i halved8 why am ,i gibbous8 ,i am inhabited2 ,i am just a mirror hung over the sea2 ,i am--whatever their latest fancy suggests4 ,it is the last straw when they say my light is stolen1 sham1 imported from the sun1 and keep on doing their best to get up jealousy and ill feeling between brother and sister4 ,they might have been contented with making him out a stone or a red-hot lump4 #8,these gentry who in the day look so stern and manly1 dress so gravely1 and are so revered by common men1 would be surprised to learn how much ,i know of their vile nightly abominations4 ,i see them all1 though ,i never tell2 it would be too indecent to make revelations1 and show up the contrast between their nightly doings and their public performances2 so1 if ,i catch one of them in adultery or theft or other nocturnal adventure1 ,i pull my cloud veil over me2 ,i do not want the vulgar to see old men disgracing their long beards and their virtuous calling4 ,but they go on giving tongue and worrying me all the same1 and1 so help me ,night1 ,i have thought many a time of going a long1 long way off1 out of reach of their impertinent tongues4 ,will you remember to tell ,zeus all this8 and you may add that ,i cannot remain at my post unless he will pulverize the physicists1 muzzle the logicians1 raze the ,porch1 burn the ,academy1 and put an end to strolling in the ,lyceum4 ,that might secure me a little peace from these daily mensurations4' #8,i will remember1' said ,i1 and resumed my upward flight to ,heaven1 through ,a region where nor ox nor man had wrought4 ,for the ,moon was soon but a small object1 with the ,earth entirely hidden behind it4 ,three days' flight through the stars1 with the ,sun on my right hand1 brought me close to ,heaven2 and my first idea was to go straight in as ,i was2 ,i should easily pass unobserved in virtue of my half-eagleship2 for of course the eagle was ,zeus's familiar2 on second thoughts1 though1 my vulture wing would very soon betray me4 ,so1 thinking it better not to run any risks1 ,i went up to the door and knocked4 ,hermes opened1 took my name1 and hurried off to inform ,zeus4 ,after a brief wait ,i was asked to step in2 ,i was now trembling with apprehension1 and ,i found that the ,gods1 who were all seated together1 were not quite easy themselves4 ,the unexpected nature of the visit was slightly disturbing to them1 and they had visions of all mankind arriving at my heels by the same conveyance4 ,but ,zeus bent upon me a ,titanic glance1 awful1 penetrating1 and spoke3 ,who art thou8 where thy city8 who thy kin8 ,at the sound1 ,i nearly died of fear1 but remained upright1 though mute and paralysed by that thunderous voice4 ,i gradually recovered1 began at the beginning1 and gave a clear account of myself--how ,i had been possessed with curiosity about the heavens1 had gone to the philosophers1 found their accounts conflicting1 and grown tired of being logically rent in twain2 so ,i came to my great idea1 my wings1 and ultimately to ,heaven2 ,i added ,selene's message4 ,zeus smiled and slightly unbent his brow4 #8,what of ,otus and ,ephialtes now8' he said2 #8here is ,menippus scaling ,heaven6 ,well1 well1 for to-day consider yourself our guest4 ,to-morrow we will treat with you of your business1 and send you on your way4' ,and therewith he rose and walked to the acoustic centre of ,heaven1 it being prayer time4 ,as he went1 he put questions to me about earthly affairs1 beginning with1 ,what was wheat a quarter in ,greece8 had we suffered much from cold last winter8 and did the vegetables want more rain8 ,then he wished to know whether any of ,phidias's kin were alive1 why there had been no ,diasia at ,athens all these years1 whether his ,olympieum was ever going to be completed1 and had the robbers of his temple at ,dodona been caught8 ,i answered all these questions1 and he proceeded3--#8,tell me1 ,menippus1 what are men's feelings towards me8' #8,what should they be1 ,lord1 but those of absolute reverence1 as to the ,king of all ,gods8' #8,now1 now1 chaffing as usual1' he said2 #8,i know their fickleness very well1 for all your dissimulation4 ,there was a time when ,i was their prophet1 their healer1 and their all1 ,and ,zeus filled every street and gathering-place4 ,in those days ,dodona and ,pisa were glorious and far-famed1 and ,i could not get a view for the clouds of sacrificial steam4 ,but now ,apollo has set up his oracle at ,delphi1 ,asclepius his temple of health at ,pergamum1 ,bendis and ,anubis and ,artemis their shrines in ,thrace1 ,egypt1 ,ephesus2 and to these all run2 theirs the festal gatherings and the hecatombs4 ,as for me1 ,i am superannuated2 they think themselves very generous if they offer me a victim at ,olympia at four-year intervals4 ,my altars are cold as ,plato's ,laws or ,chrysippus's ,syllogisms4' ,so talking1 we reached the spot where he was to sit and listen to the prayers4 ,there was a row of openings with lids like well- covers1 and a chair of gold by each4 ,zeus took his seat at the first1 lifted off the lid and inclined his ear4 ,from every quarter of ,earth were coming the most various and contradictory petitions2 for ,i too bent down my head and listened4 ,here are specimens4 #8,o ,zeus1 that ,i might be king6' #8,o ,zeus1 that my onions and garlic might thrive6' #8,ye ,gods1 a speedy death for my father6' ,or again1 #8,would that ,i might succeed to my wife's property6' #8,grant that my plot against my brother be not detected4' #8,let me win my suit4' #8,give me an ,olympic garland4' ,of those at sea1 one prayed for a north1 another for a south wind2 the farmer asked for rain1 the fuller for sun4 ,zeus listened1 and gave each prayer careful consideration1 but without promising to grant them all2 ,our ,father this bestowed1 and that withheld4 ,righteous prayers he allowed to come up through the hole1 received and laid them down at his right1 while he sent the unholy ones packing with a downward puff of breath1 that ,heaven might not be defiled by their entrance4 ,in one case ,i saw him puzzled2 two men praying for opposite things and promising the same sacrifices1 he could not tell which of them to favour1 and experienced a truly ,academic suspense of judgement1 showing a reserve and equilibrium worthy of ,pyrrho himself4 ,the prayers disposed of1 he went on to the next chair and opening1 and attended to oaths and their takers4 ,these done with1 and ,hermodorus the ,epicurean annihilated1 he proceeded to the next chair to deal with omens1 prophetic voices1 and auguries4 ,then came the turn of the sacrifice aperture1 through which the smoke came up and communicated to ,zeus the name of the devotee it represented4 ,after that1 he was free to give his wind and weather orders3--,rain for ,scythia to-day1 a thunderstorm for ,libya1 snow for ,greece4 ,the north wind he instructed to blow in ,lydia1 the west to raise a storm in the ,adriatic1 the south to take a rest2 a thousand bushels of hail to be distributed over ,cappadocia4 ,his work was now pretty well completed1 and as it was just dinner time1 we went to the banquet hall4 ,hermes received me1 and gave me my place next to a group of ,gods whose alien origin left them in a rather doubtful position--,pan1 the ,corybants1 ,attis1 and ,sabazius4 ,i was supplied with bread by ,demeter1 wine by ,dionysus1 meat by ,heracles1 myrtle-blossoms by ,aphrodite1 and sprats by ,posidon4 ,but ,i also got a sly taste of ambrosia and nectar2 good-natured ,ganymede1 as often as he saw that ,zeus's attention was engaged elsewhere1 brought round the nectar and indulged me with a half- pint or so4 ,the ,gods1 as ,homer 7who ,i think must have had the same opportunities of observation as myself7 somewhere says1 neither eat bread nor drink the ruddy wine2 they heap their plates with ambrosia1 and are nectar-bibbers2 but their choicest dainties are the smoke of sacrifice ascending with rich fumes1 and the blood of victims poured by their worshippers round the altars4 ,during dinner1 ,apollo harped1 ,silenus danced his wild measures1 the ,muses uprose and sang to us from ,hesiod's ,birth of ,gods1 and the first of ,pindar's odes4 ,when we had our fill and had well drunken1 we slumbered1 each where he was4 ,slept all the ,gods1 and men with plumed helms1 ,that livelong night2 but me kind sleep forsook2 for ,i had much upon my mind2 most of all1 how came it that ,apollo1 in all that time1 had never grown a beard8 and how was night possible in ,heaven1 with the sun always there taking his share of the good cheer8 ,so ,i had but a short nap of it4 ,and in the morning ,zeus arose1 and bade summon an assembly4 ,when all were gathered1 he thus commenced3--#8,the immediate occasion of my summoning you is the arrival of this stranger yesterday4 ,but ,i have long intended to take counsel with you regarding the philosophers1 and now1 urged by ,selene and her complaints1 ,i have determined to defer the consideration of the question no longer4 ,there is a class which has recently become conspicuous among men2 they are idle1 quarrelsome1 vain1 irritable1 lickerish1 silly1 puffed up1 arrogant1 and1 in ,homeric phrase1 vain cumberers of the earth4 ,these men have divided themselves into bands1 each dwelling in a separate word-maze of its own construction1 and call themselves ,stoics1 ,epicureans1 ,peripatetics1 and more farcical names yet4 ,then they take to themselves the holy name of ,virtue1 and with uplifted brows and flowing beards exhibit the deceitful semblance that hides immoral lives2 their model is the tragic actor1 from whom if you strip off the mask and the gold-spangled robe1 there is nothing left but a paltry fellow hired for a few shillings to play a part4 #8,nevertheless1 quite undeterred by their own characters1 they scorn the human and travesty the divine2 they gather a company of guileless youths1 and feed them with solemn chatter upon ,virtue and quibbling verbal puzzles2 in their pupils' presence they are all for fortitude and temperance1 and have no words bad enough for wealth and pleasure3 when they are by themselves1 there is no limit to their gluttony1 their lechery1 their licking of dirty pence4 ,but the head and front of their offending is this3 they neither work themselves nor help others' work2 they are useless drones1 ,of no avail in council nor in war2 which notwithstanding1 they censure others2 they store up poisoned words1 they con invectives1 they heap their neighbours with reproaches2 their highest honours are for him who shall be loudest and most overbearing and boldest in abuse4 #8,ask one of these brawling bawling censors1 ,and what do you do8 in ,god's name1 what shall we call your contribution to progress8 and he would reply1 if conscience and truth were anything to him3 ,i consider it superfluous to sail the sea or till the earth or fight for my country or follow a trade2 but ,i have a loud voice and a dirty body2 ,i eschew warm water and go barefoot through the winter2 ,i am a ,momus who can always pick holes in other people's coats2 if a rich man keeps a costly table or a mistress1 ,i make it my business to be properly horrified2 but if my familiar friend is lying sick1 in need of help and care1 ,i am not aware of it4 ,such1 your ,godheads1 is the nature of this vermin4 #8,there is a special insolence in those who call themselves ,epicureans2 these go so far as to lay their hands on our character2 we take no interest in human affairs1 they say1 and in fact have nothing to do with the course of events4 ,and this is a serious question for you2 if once they infect their generation with this view1 you will learn what hunger means4 ,who will sacrifice to you1 if he does not expect to profit by it8 ,as to ,selene's complaints1 you all heard them yesterday from this stranger's lips4 ,and now decide upon such measures as shall advantage mankind and secure your own safety4' ,zeus had no sooner closed his speech than clamour prevailed1 all crying at once3 ,blast6 burn6 annihilate6 to the pit with them6 to ,tartarus6 to the ,giants6 ,zeus ordered silence again1 and then1 #8,your wishes1' he said1 #8shall be executed2 they shall all be annihilated1 and their logic with them4 ,but just at present chastisement is not lawful2 you are aware that we are now in the four months of the long vacation2 the formal notice has lately been issued4 ,in the spring of next year1 the baleful levin-bolt shall give them the fate they deserve4' ,he spake1 and sealed his word with lowering brows4 #8,as to ,menippus1' he added1 #8my pleasure is this4 ,he shall be deprived of his wings1 and so incapacitated for repeating his visit1 but shall to-day be conveyed back to ,earth by ,hermes4' ,so saying1 he dismissed the assembly4 ,the ,cyllenian accordingly lifted me up by the right ear1 and yesterday evening deposited me in the ,ceramicus4 ,and now1 friend1 you have all the latest from ,heaven4 ,i must be off to the ,poecile1 to let the philosophers loitering there know the luck they are in4 ,,the ,,double ,,indictment ,zeus4 ,hermes4 ,justice4 ,pan4 ,several ,athenians4 ,the ,academy4 ,the ,porch4 ,epicurus4 ,virtue4 ,luxury4 ,diogenes4 ,rhetoric4 ,a ,syrian4 ,dialogue ,zeus4 ,a curse on all those philosophers who will have it that none but the ,gods are happy6 ,if they could but know what we have to put up with on men's account1 they would not envy us our nectar and our ambrosia4 ,they take ,homer's word for it all1--the word of a blind quack2 'tis he who pronounces us blessed1 and expatiates on heavenly glories1 he who could not see in front of his own nose4 ,look at the ,sun1 now4 ,he yokes that chariot1 and is riding through the heavens from morn till night1 clothed in his garment of fire1 and dispensing his rays abroad2 not so much breathing-space as goes to the scratching of an ear2 once let his horses catch him napping1 and they have the bit between their teeth and are off #8cross country1 with the result that the ,earth is scorched to a cinder4 ,the ,moon is no better off3 she is kept up into the small hours to light the reveller and the diner-out upon their homeward path4 ,and then ,apollo1--he has his work cut out for him3 with such a press of oracular business1 it is much if he has any ears left to hear with3 he is wanted at ,delphi2 the next minute1 he must be off to ,colophon2 then away to ,xanthus2 then back at a trot to ,clarus2 then it is ,delos1 then ,branchidae2--in short1 he is at the beck of every priestess who has taken her draught of holy water1 munched her laurel-leaf1 and made the tripod rock2 it is now or never2 if he is not there that minute to reel off the required oracle1 his credit is gone4 ,the traps they set for him too6 ,he must have a dog's nose for lamb and tortoise in the pot1 or his ,lydian customer ,footnote3 ,see ,croesus in ,notes4 departs1 laughing him to scorn4 ,as for ,asclepius1 he has no peace for his patients3 his eyes are acquainted with horror1 and his hands with loathsomeness2 another's sickness is his pain4 ,to say nothing of the work that the ,winds have to get through1 what with sowing and winnowing and getting the ships along2 or of ,sleep1 always on the wing1 with ,dream at his side all night giving a helping hand4 ,men have to thank us for all this3 every one of us contributes his share to their well-being4 ,and the others have an easy time of it1 compared to me1 to me the ,king and ,father of all4 ,the annoyances ,i have to put up with6 the worry of thinking of all these things at once6 ,i must keep an eye on all the rest1 to begin with1 or they would be making some silly mistake2 and as for the work ,i have to do with my own hands1 there is no end to it2 such complications6 it is all ,i can do to get through with it4 ,it is not as if ,i had only the main issues to attend to1 the rain and hail and wind and lightning1 and as soon as ,i had arranged them could sit down1 feeling that my own particular work was over3 no1 besides all that1 ,i must be looking every way at once1 ,argus-eyed for theft and perjury1 as for sacrifice2 the moment a libation has been poured1 it is for me to locate the savoury smoke that rises2 for me it is to hear the cry of the sick man and of the sailor2 at one and the same moment1 a hecatomb demands my presence at ,olympia1 a battle in the plain of ,babylon2 hail is due in ,thrace1 dinner in ,ethiopia2 'tis too much6 ,and do what ,i may1 it is hard to give satisfaction4 ,many is the time that all besides1 both ,gods and men of plumed helm1 have slept the long night through1 while unto ,zeus sweet slumber has not come nigh4 ,if ,i nod for a moment1 behold1 ,epicurus is justified1 and our indifference to the affairs of ,earth made manifest2 and if once men lend an ear to that doctrine1 the consequences will be serious3 our temples will go ungarlanded2 the streets will be redolent no longer of roast meat1 the bowl no longer yield us libation2 our altars will be cold1 sacrifice and oblation will be at an end1 and utter starvation must ensue4 ,hence like a pilot ,i stand up at the helm all alone1 tiller in hand1 while every soul on board is asleep1 and probably drunk2 no rest1 no food for me1 while ,i ponder in my mind and breast on the common safety2 and my reward8 to be called the ,lord of all6 ,i should like to ask those philosophers who assign us the monopoly of blessedness1 when they suppose we find time for nectar and ambrosia among our ceaseless occupations4 ,look at the mildewed1 cob-webbed stack of petitions mouldering on their files in our chancery1 for want of time to attend to them3 look only at the cases pending between men and the various ,arts and ,sciences2 venerable relics1 some of them6 ,angry protests against the delays of the law reach me from all quarters2 men cannot understand that it is from no neglect of ours that these judgements have been postponed2 it is simply pressure of business--pressure of blessedness1 if they will have it so4 ,her4 ,i myself1 father1 have heard a great deal of dissatisfaction expressed on ,earth1 only ,i did not like to mention it to you4 ,however1 as you have introduced the subject yourself1 ,i may say that the discontent is general3 men do not venture to express their resentment openly1 but there are mutterings in corners about the delay4 ,it is high time they were all put out of their suspense1 for better or for worse4 ,zeus4 ,and what would you have me do1 my boy8 hold a session at once8 or shall we say next year8 ,her4 ,oh1 at once1 by all means4 ,zeus4 ,to work1 then3 fly down1 and make proclamation in the following terms3 ,all litigant parties to assemble this day on ,areopagus3 ,justice to assign them their juries from the whole body of the ,athenians1 the number of the jury to be in proportion to the amount of damages claimed2 any party doubting the justice of his sentence to have the right of appeal to me4 ,and you1 my daughter1 take your seat by the side of the ,dread ,goddesses ,footnote3 ,see ,erinnyes in ,notes41 cast lots for the order of the trials1 and superintend the formation of juries4 ,just4 ,you would have me return to ,earth1 once more to be driven thence in ignominious flight by the intolerable taunts of ,injustice8 ,zeus4 ,hope for better things4 ,the philosophers have quite convinced every one by this time of your superiority4 ,the son of ,sophroniscus was particularly strong on your merits3 he laid it down that ,justice was the highest ,good4 ,just4 ,yes2 and very serviceable his dissertations on ,justice were to him1 were they not1 when he was handed over to the ,eleven1 and thrown into prison1 and drank the hemlock8 ,poor man1 he had not even time to sacrifice the cock he owed to ,asclepius4 ,his accusers were too much for him altogether1 and their philosophy had ,injustice for its object4 ,zeus4 ,but in those days philosophy was not generally known1 and had but few exponents2 it is not surprising that the scale turned in favour of ,anytus and ,meletus4 ,but now it is different3 look at the number of cloaks and sticks and wallets that are about2 everywhere philosophers1 long-bearded1 book in hand1 maintain your cause2 the public walks are filled with their contending hosts1 and every man of them calls ,virtue his nurse4 ,numbers have abandoned their former professions to pounce upon wallet and cloak2 these ready-made philosophers1 carpenters once or cobblers1 now duly tanned to the true ,ethiopian hue1 are singing your praises high and low4 #8,he that falls on shipboard strikes wood1' says the proverb2 and the eye1 wheresoever it fall1 will light on philosophers4 ,just4 ,yes1 father1 but they frighten me3 they quarrel so among themselves2 and when they talk about me1 they only expose their own little minds4 ,and1 from what ,i hear1 most of those who make so free with my name show no inclination at all to put my principles into practice4 ,i may count upon finding their doors closed to me3 ,injustice has been beforehand with me4 ,zeus4 ,come1 child1 they are not all so bad1 and if you can find a few honest men it will be something4 ,now1 off with you both1 and see if you can't get a few cases settled up to-day4 ,her4 ,well1 ,justice3 yonder is our road3 straight in the line for ,sunium1 to the foot of ,hymettus1 taking ,parnes on our right2 you see those two hills8 ,you have quite forgotten the way1 ,i suppose1 in all this time8 ,now1 now3 weeping8 why so vexed8 ,there is nothing to fear4 ,things are quite different in these days3 the ,scirons and ,pityocampteses and ,busirises and ,phalarises who used to frighten you so are all dead3 ,wisdom1 the ,academy1 the ,porch1 now hold sway everywhere4 ,they are all your admirers2 their talk is all of you2 they yearn to see you descend to them once more4 ,just4 ,tell me1 ,hermes1--you if any one must know the truth2 you are generally busy either in the ,gymnasium or else in the ,market1 making proclamation to the ,assembly1--what are the ,athenians like now8 shall ,i be able to live with them8 ,her4 ,we are brother and sister1 it is only right that ,i should tell you the truth4 ,well then1 ,philosophy has made a considerable change for the better in most of them2 at the worst1 their respect for the cloth is some check on their misdeeds4 ,at the same time--not to conceal anything--you will find villains amongst them2 and you will find some who are neither quite philosophers nor quite knaves4 ,the fact is1 ,philosophy's dyeing process is still going on4 ,some have absorbed the full quantity of dye2 these are perfect specimens of her art1 and show no admixture of other colours2 with them you will find a ready reception4 ,but others1 owing to their original impurities1 are not yet completely saturated2 they are better than the generality of mankind1 but they are not all they should be2 they are piebald or spotted or dappled4 ,others again there are who have contented themselves with merely rubbing a fingertip in the soot on the outside of the cauldron1 and smearing themselves with that2 after which they consider the dyeing process complete4 ,but you1 of course1 will only live with the best4 ,meanwhile1 here we are1 close to ,attica2 we must now leave ,sunium on our right1 and diverge towards the ,acropolis4 ,good3 terra firma4 ,you had better sit down somewhere here on the ,areopagus1 in the direction of the ,pnyx1 and wait whilst ,i make ,zeus's proclamation4 ,i shall go up into the ,acropolis2 that will be the easiest way of making every one hear the summons4 ,just4 ,before you go1 ,hermes1 tell me who this is coming along2 a man with horns and a pipe and shaggy legs4 ,her4 ,why1 you must know ,pan1 most festive of all ,dionysus's followers8 ,he used to live on ,mount ,parthenius3 but at the time of the ,persian expedition under ,datis1 when the barbarians landed at ,marathon1 he volunteered in the ,athenian service2 and ever since then he has had the cave yonder at the foot of the ,acropolis1 a little past the ,pelasgicum1 and pays his taxes like any other naturalized foreigner4 ,seeing us so near at hand1 ,i suppose he is coming up to make his compliments4 ,pan4 ,hail1 ,justice and ,hermes6 ,just4 ,hail1 ,pan2 chief of ,satyrs in dance and song1 and most gallant of ,athens' soldiers6 ,pan4 ,but what brings you here1 ,hermes8 ,her4 ,justice will explain2 ,i must be off to the ,acropolis on my errand4 ,just4 ,zeus has sent me down1 ,pan1 to preside in the law- court4--,and how do you like ,athens8 ,pan4 ,well1 the fact is1 ,i am a good deal disappointed3 they do not treat me with the consideration to which ,i am entitled1 after repelling that tremendous barbarian invasion4 ,all they do is to come up to my cave two or three times a year with a particularly high-scented goat1 and sacrifice him3 ,i am permitted to look on whilst they enjoy the feast1 and am complimented with a perfunctory dance4 ,however1 there is some joking and merrymaking on the occasion1 and that ,i find rather fun4 ,just4 ,and1 ,pan1--have they become more virtuous under the hands of the philosophers8 ,pan4 ,philosophers8 ,oh6 people with beards just like mine2 sepulchral beings1 who are always getting together and jabbering8 ,just4 ,those are they4 ,pan4 ,i can't understand a word they say2 their philosophy is too much for me4 ,i am mountain-bred2 smart city-language is not in my line2 sophists and philosophers are not known in ,arcadia4 ,i am a good hand at flute or pipe2 ,i can mind goats1 ,i can dance1 ,i can fight at a pinch1 and that is all4 ,but ,i hear them all day long1 bawling out a string of hard words about virtue1 and nature1 and ideas1 and things incorporeal4 ,they are good enough friends when the argument begins1 but their voices mount higher and higher as they go on1 and end in a scream2 they get more and more excited1 and all try to speak at once2 they grow red in the face1 their necks swell1 and their veins stand out1 for all the world like a flute-player on a high note4 ,the argument is turned upside down1 they forget what they are trying to prove1 and finally go off abusing one another and brushing the sweat from their brows2 victory rests with him who can show the boldest front and the loudest voice1 and hold his ground the longest4 ,the people1 especially those who have nothing better to do1 adore them1 and stand spellbound under their confident bawlings4 ,for all that ,i could see1 they were no better than humbugs1 and ,i was none too pleased at their copying my beard4 ,if there were any use in their noise1 if the talking did any good to the public1 ,i should not have a word to say against them3 but1 to tell you the plain unvarnished truth1 ,i have more than once looked out from my peep-hole yonder and seen them-- ,just4 ,hush1 ,pan3 was not that ,hermes making the proclamation8 ,pan4 ,i thought so4 ,her4 ,be it known to all men that we purpose on this seventh day of ,march to hold a court of justice1 and ,fortune defend the right6 ,all litigant parties to assemble on ,areopagus1 where ,justice will assign the juries and preside over the trials in person4 ,the juries to be taken from the whole ,athenian people2 the pay to be sixpence for each case2 the number of jurors to vary with the nature of the accusation4 ,any parties who had commenced legal proceedings and have died in the interim to be sent up by ,aeacus4 ,any party doubting the justice of his sentence may appeal2 the appeal to be heard by ,zeus4 ,pan4 ,talk about noise6 how they shout6 ,and what a hurry they are in to get here6 ,see how one hales another up the hill6 ,here comes ,hermes himself4 ,well1 ,i leave you to your juries and your evidence2 you are accustomed to it4 ,i will return to my cave1 and there play over one of those amorous ditties with which ,i love to upbraid ,echo4 ,as to rhetoric and law-pleadings1 ,i hear enough of those every day in this very court of ,areopagus4 ,her4 ,we had better summon the parties1 ,justice4 ,just4 ,true4 ,only look at the crowd1 bustling and buzzing about the hilltop like a swarm of wasps6 ,first ,ath4 ,i've got you1 curse you4 ,second ,ath4 ,pooh6 a trumped-up charge4 ,third ,ath4 ,at last6 you shall get your deserts this time4 ,fourth ,ath4 ,your villany shall be unmasked4 ,fifth ,ath4 ,my jury first1 ,hermes4 ,sixth ,ath4 ,come along3 into court with you1 rascal4 ,seventh ,ath4 ,you needn't throttle me4 ,just4 ,do you know what ,i think we had better do1 ,hermes8 ,put off all the other cases for to-morrow1 and only take to-day the charges brought by ,arts1 ,professions1 and ,philosophies4 ,pick me out all of that kind4 ,her4 ,drink v4 the ,academy1 re ,polemon1 kidnapped4 ,just4 ,seven jurors4 ,her4 ,porch v4 ,pleasure4 ,defendant is charged with seducing ,dionysius1 plaintiff's admirer4 ,just4 ,five will do for that4 ,her4 ,luxury v4 ,virtue1 re ,aristippus4 ,just4 ,five again4 ,her4 ,bank v4 ,diogenes1 alleged to have run away from plaintiff's service4 ,just4 ,three only4 ,her4 ,painting v4 ,pyrrho4 ,desertion from the ranks4 ,just4 ,that will want nine4 ,her4 ,what about these two charges just brought against a rhetorician8 ,just4 ,no1 those can stand over2 we must work off the arrears first4 ,her4 ,well1 these cases are of just the same kind4 ,they are not old ones1 it is true1 but they are very like those you have taken1 and might fairly be heard with them4 ,just4 ,that looks rather like favouritism1 ,hermes4 ,however1 as you like2 only these must be the last2 we have got quite enough4 ,what are they8 ,her4 ,rhetoric v4 a ,syrian ,footnote3 i4e4 ,lucian4 ,see ,volume ,i1 ,introduction1 ,section ,i1 ,life41 for neglect2 ,dialogue v4 the same1 for assault4 ,just4 ,and who is this ,syrian8 ,there is no name given4 ,her4 ,that is all3 the ,syrian rhetorician2 he can have a jury without having a name4 ,just4 ,so6 here on ,areopagus ,i am to give juries to outsiders1 who ought to be tried on the other side of the ,euphrates8 ,well1 give him eleven1 and they can hear both cases4 ,her4 ,that's right2 it will save a lot of expense4 ,just4 ,first case3 the ,academy versus ,drink4 ,let the jury take their seats4 ,mark the time1' ,hermes4 ,drink1 open the case4444 ,not a word8 can you do nothing but nod8--,hermes1 go and see what is the matter with her4 ,her4 ,she says she cannot plead1 she would only be laughed at2 wine has tied her tongue4 ,as you see1 she can hardly stand4 ,just4 ,well1 there are plenty of able counsel present1 ready to shout themselves hoarse for sixpence2 let her employ one of them4 ,her4 ,no one will have anything to do with such a client in open court4 ,but she makes a very reasonable proposal4 ,just4 ,yes8 ,her4 ,the ,academy is always ready to take both sides2 she makes a point of contradicting herself plausibly4 #8,let her speak first on my behalf1' says ,drink1 #8and then on her own4' ,just4 ,a novel form of procedure4 ,however1 go on1 ,academy2 speak on both sides1 if you find it so easy4 ,acad4 ,first1 gentlemen of the jury1 let me state the case for #af ,drink1 as her time is now being taken4 ,my unfortunate client1 gentlemen1 has been cruelly wronged3 ,i have torn from her the one slave on whose loyalty and affection she could rely1 the only one who saw nothing censurable in her conduct4 ,i allude to ,polemon1 whose days1 from morning to night1 were spent in revel2 who in broad daylight sought the publicity of the ,market in the company of music--girls and singers2 ever drunk1 ever headachy1 ever garlanded4 ,in support of my statements1 ,i appeal to every man in ,athens to say whether he had ever seen ,polemon sober4 ,but in an evil hour for him1 his revels1 which had brought him to so many other doors1 brought him at length to my own4 ,i laid hands on him1 tore him away by brute force from the plaintiff1 and made him my own2 giving him water to drink1 teaching him sobriety1 and stripping him of his garlands4 ,he1 who should have been sitting over his wine1 now became acquainted with the perverse1 the harassing1 the pernicious quibbles of philosophy4 ,alas6 the ruddy glow has departed from his cheek2 he is pale and wasted2 his songs are all forgotten2 there are times when he will sit far on into the night1 tasting neither meat nor drink1 while he reels out the meaningless platitudes with which ,i have so abundantly supplied him4 ,i have even incited him to attack the character of my client1 and to utter a thousand base insinuations against her good fame4 ,the case of ,drink is now complete4 ,i proceed to state my own4 ,let my time be taken4 ,just4 ,what will the defendant have to say to that1 ,i wonder8 ,give her the same time allowance4 ,acad4 ,nothing1 gentlemen of the jury1 could sound more plausible than the arguments advanced by my learned friend on her client's behalf4 ,and yet1 if you will give me your favourable attention1 ,i shall convince you that the plaintiff has suffered no wrong at my hands4 ,this ,polemon1 whom plaintiff claims as her servant1 so far from having any natural connexion with her1 is one whose excellent parts entitle him to claim kinship and affinity with myself4 ,he was still a boy1 his powers were yet unformed1 when plaintiff1 aided and abetted by ,pleasure--ever her partner in crime--seized upon him1 and delivered him over into the clutches of debauchery and dissipation1 under whose corrupt influence the unfortunate young man utterly lost all sense of shame4 ,those very facts that plaintiff supposed to be so many arguments in her favour will be found1 on the contrary1 to make for my own case4 ,from early morning 7as my learned friend has just observed7 did the misguided ,polemon1 with aching head and garlanded1 stagger through the open market to the noise of flutes1 never sober1 brawling with all he met2 a reproach to his ancestors and his city1 a laughing-stock to foreigners4 ,one day he reached my door4 ,he found it open3 ,i was discoursing to a company of my disciples1 as is my wont1 upon virtue and temperance4 ,he stood there1 with the flute-girl at his side and the garlands on his head1 and sought at first to drown our conversation with his noisy outcry4 ,but we paid no heed to him1 and little by little our words produced a sobering effect1 for ,drink had not entire possession of him3 he bade the flute-girl cease1 tore off his garlands1 and looked with shame at his luxurious dress4 ,like one waking from deep sleep1 he saw himself as he was1 and repented of his past life2 the flush of drunkenness faded and vanished from his cheek1 and was succeeded by a blush of shame2 at last1 not 7as plaintiff would have you believe7 in response to any invitation of mine1 nor under any compulsion1 but of his own free will1 and in the conviction of my superiority1 he renounced his former mistress there and then1 and entered my service4 ,bring him into court4 ,you shall see for yourselves1 gentlemen1 what he has become under my treatment4 ,behold that ,polemon whom ,i found drunk1 unable to speak or stand upright1 an object of ridicule3 ,i turned him from his evil ways2 ,i taught him sobriety2 and ,i present him to you1 no longer a slave1 but a decent and orderly citizen1 a credit to his nation4 ,in conclusion let me say that the change ,i have wrought in him has won me the gratitude not only of ,polemon himself but of all his friends4 ,which of us has been the more profitable companion for him1 it is now for the jury to decide4 ,her4 ,come1 gentlemen1 get up and give your votes4 ,there is no time to be lost2 we have other cases coming on4 ,just4 ,academy wins1 by six votes to one4 ,her4 ,i am not surprised to find that ,drink has one adherent4 ,jurors in the case of ,porch v4 ,pleasure re ,dionysius take their seats6 ,the lady of the frescoes ,footnote3 ,see ,poecile in ,notes4 may begin2 her time is noted4 ,porch4 ,i am not ignorant1 gentlemen1 of the attractions of my adversary4 ,i see how your eyes turn in her direction2 she has your smiles1 ,i your contempt1 because my hair is close-cropped1 and my expression stern and masculine4 ,yet if you will give me a fair hearing1 ,i fear her not2 for justice is on my side4 ,nay1 it is with these same meretricious attractions of hers that my accusation is concerned3 it was by her specious appearance that she beguiled the virtuous ,dionysius1 my lover1 and drew him to herself4 ,the present case is in fact closely allied with that of ,drink and the ,academy1 with which your colleagues have just dealt4 ,the question now before you is this3 are men to live the lives of swine1 wallowing in voluptuousness1 with never a high or noble thought3 or are they to set virtue above enjoyment1 and follow the dictates of freedom and philosophy1 fearing not to grapple with pain1 nor seeking the degrading service of pleasure1 as though happiness were to be found in a pot of honey or a cake of figs8 ,these are the baits my adversary throws out for fools1 and toil the bugbear with which she frightens them3 her artifices seldom fail2 and among her victims is this unfortunate whom she has constrained to rebel against my authority4 ,she had to wait till she found him on a sick-bed2 never while he was himself would he have listened to her proposals4 ,yet what right have ,i to complain8 ,she spares not even the ,gods2 she impugns the wisdom of ,providence2 she is guilty of blasphemy2 you have a double penalty to impose1 if you would be wise4 ,i hear that she has not even been at the pains of preparing a defence3 ,epicurus is to speak for her6 ,she does not stand upon ceremony with you1 gentlemen4--,ask her what ,heracles would have been1 what your own ,theseus would have been1 if they had listened to the voice of pleasure1 and shrunk back from toil3 their toils were the only check upon wickedness1 which else must have overrun the whole ,earth4 ,and now ,i have done2 ,i am no lover of long speeches4 ,yet if my adversary would consent to answer a few questions1 her worthlessness would soon appear4 ,let me remind you1 gentlemen1 of your oath3 give your votes in accordance with that oath1 and believe not ,epicurus1 when he tells you that the ,gods take no thought for the things of ,earth4 ,her4 ,stand down1 madam4 ,epicurus will now speak on behalf of pleasure4 ,epi4 ,i shall not detain you long1 gentlemen of the jury2 there is no occasion for me to do so4 ,if it were true1 as the plaintiff asserts1 that ,dionysius was her lover1 and that my client by means of drugs or incantations had constrained him to withdraw his affections from the plaintiff and transfer them to herself1--if this were true1 then my client might fairly be accused of witchcraft1 nor could her wicked practices upon her rival's admirers escape condemnation4 ,on the other hand1 if a free citizen of a free state1 deciding for himself in a matter where the law is silent1 takes a violent aversion to this lady's person1 concludes that the blessedness with which she promises to crown his labours is neither more nor less than moonshine1 and accordingly makes the best of his way out of her labyrinthine maze of argument into the attractive arms of ,pleasure1 bursts the bonds of verbal subtlety1 exchanges credulity for common sense1 and pronounces1 with great justice1 that toil is toilsome1 and that pleasure is pleasant1--,i ask1 is this shipwrecked mariner to be excluded from the calm haven of his desire1 and hurled back headlong into a sea of toil8 is this poor suppliant at the altar of ,mercy--in other words of ,pleasure-- is he to be delivered over into the power of perplexity1--and all on the chance that his hot climb up the steep hill of ,virtue may be rewarded with a glimpse of that celebrated lady on the top1 and his life of toil followed by a hereafter of happiness8 ,we could scarcely ask for a better judge of the matter than ,dionysius himself4 ,he was as familiar with the ,stoic doctrines as any man1 and held at one time that virtue was the only ,good3 but he presently discovered that toil was an evil3 he then chose what seemed to him the better course4 ,he would no doubt observe that those philosophers who had so much to say on the subject of patience and endurance under toil were secretly the servants of ,pleasure1 carefully abiding by her laws in their own homes1 though they made so free with her name in their discourses4 ,they cannot bear to be detected in any relaxation1 or any departure from their principles3 but1 poor men1 they lead a ,tantalus life of it in consequence1 and when they do get a chance of sinning without being found out1 they drink down pleasure by the bucketful4 ,depend on it1 if some one would make them a present of ,gyges's ring of invisibility1 or ,hades's cap1 they would cut the acquaintance of toil without further ceremony1 and elbow their way into the presence of ,pleasure2 they would all be ,dionysiuses then4 ,as long as ,dionysius was well1 he thought that there was some good in all this talk about endurance2 but when he fell ill1 and found out what pain really was1 he perceived that his body was of another school than the ,porch1 and held quite other tenets3 he was converted1 realized that he was flesh and blood1 and from that day ceased to behave as if he were made of marble2 he knew now that the man who talks nonsense about the iniquity of pleasure ,but toys with words3 his thoughts are bent elsewhither4 ,and now1 gentlemen1 ,i leave you to your vote4 ,porch4 ,not yet6 ,let me ask him a few questions4 ,epi4 ,yes8 ,i am ready4 ,porch4 ,you hold toil to be an evil8 ,epi4 ,i do4 ,porch4 ,and pleasure a good8 ,epi4 ,unquestionably4 ,porch4 ,do you recognize the distinction between differentia and indifferentia8 between praeposita and rejecta8 ,epi4 ,why1 certainly4 ,her4 ,madam1 this discussion must cease2 the jury say they do not understand word-chopping4 ,they will now give their votes4 ,porch4 ,ah2 ,i should have won1 if ,i could have tried him with my third figure of self-evidents4 ,just4 ,who wins8 ,her4 ,unanimous verdict for ,pleasure4 ,porch4 ,i appeal to ,zeus4 ,just4 ,by all means4 ,next case1 ,hermes4 ,her4 ,luxury v4 ,virtue1 re ,aristippus2 ,aristippus must appear #bc in person4 ,vir4 ,i ought to speak first4 ,aristippus is mine2 his words and his deeds alike proclaim him mine4 ,lux4 ,on the contrary1 any one who will observe his garlands and his purple robes and his perfumes will agree that he is mine4 ,just4 ,peace6 ,this suit must stand over1 until ,zeus has decided the appeal re ,dionysius4 ,the cases are similar4 ,if ,porch wins her appeal1 ,aristippus shall be adjudged to ,virtue3 if not1 ,luxury must have him4 ,bring the next case4 ,by the way1 those jurors must not have their fee2 they have not earned it4 ,her4 ,so the poor old gentlemen have climbed up all this way for nothing6 ,just4 ,well1 they must be content with a third4 ,now go away1 all of you1 and don't be cross2 you shall have another chance4 ,her4 ,diogenes of ,sinope wanted6 ,bank1 it is for you to speak4 #bd ,diog4 ,look here1 ,madam ,justice1 if she doesn't stop bothering1 ,i shall have assault and battery to answer for before long1 instead of desertion2 my stick is ready4 ,just4 ,what is the meaning of this8 ,bank has run away1 and ,diogenes after her1 with his stick raised4 ,poor ,bank6 ,i am afraid she will be roughly handled4 ,call ,pyrrho4 ,her4 ,here is ,painting1 but ,pyrrho has never come up4 #be ,i knew how it would be4 ,just4 ,and what was his reason8 ,her4 ,he holds that there is no such thing as a true decision4 ,just4 ,then judgement goes against him by default4 ,now for the ,syrian advocate4 ,the indictments were only filed a day or two ago2 there was no such hurry4 ,however--4 ,we will first take the case in which ,rhetoric is plaintiff4 ,how people crowd in to hear it6 ,her4 ,just so3 the case has not had time to get stale1 you see2 it has the charm of novelty1 the indictment1 as you say1 having only been filed yesterday4 ,the prospect1 too1 of hearing the ,syrian defend himself against two such plaintiffs as ,rhetoric and ,dialogue1 one after the other1 is a great attraction4 ,well1 ,rhetoric1 when are you going to begin8 ,rhet4 ,before all things1 men of ,athens1 ,i pray the ,gods that you may listen to me throughout this trial with feelings not less warm than those that ,i have ever entertained towards my country and towards each one of you1 my countrymen4 ,and if1 further1 ,i pray them so to dispose your hearts that you will suffer me to conduct my case in accordance with my original intention and design1 without interruption from my adversary1 ,i shall be asking no more than justice4 ,when ,i listen to the defendant's words1 and then reflect upon the treatment ,i have received from him1 ,i know not how ,i am to reconcile the two4 ,you will presently find him holding a language scarcely distinguishable from my own3 yet examine into his conduct1 and you will see1 from the lengths to which he has already gone1 that ,i am justified in taking steps to prevent his going yet further4 ,but enough of preamble3 ,i am wasting time that might be better employed in accusing my adversary4 ,gentlemen1 the defendant was no more than a boy--he still spoke with his native accent1 and might at any moment have exhibited himself in the garb of an ,assyrian--when ,i found him wandering up and down ,ionia1 at a loss for employment4 ,i took him in hand2 ,i gave him an education2 and1 convinced of his capabilities and of his devotion to me 7for he was my very humble servant in those days1 and had no admiration to spare for any one else71 ,i turned my back upon the many suitors who sought my hand1 upon the wealthy1 the brilliant and the high-born1 and betrothed myself to this monster of ingratitude2 upon this obscure pauper boy ,i bestowed the rich dowry of my surpassing eloquence1 brought him to be enrolled among my own people1 and made him my fellow citizen1 to the bitter mortification of his unsuccessful rivals4 ,when he formed the resolution of travelling1 in order to make his good fortune known to the world1 ,i did not remain behind3 ,i accompanied him everywhere1 from city to city1 shedding my lustre upon him1 and clothing him in honour and renown4 ,of our travels in ,greece and ,ionia1 ,i say nothing3 he expressed a wish to visit ,italy3 ,i sailed the ,ionian ,sea with him1 and attended him even as far as ,gaul1 scattering plenty in his path4 ,for a long time he consulted my wishes in everything1 was unfailing in his attendance upon me1 and never passed a night away from my side4 ,but no sooner had he secured an adequate provision1 no sooner did he consider his reputation established1 than his countenance changed towards me3 he assumed a haughty air1 and neglected1 nay1 utterly abandoned me2 having conceived a violent affection for the bearded old person yonder1 whom you may know from his dress to be ,dialogue1 and who passes for a son of ,philosophy4 ,with this ,dialogue1 in spite of the disparity of age1 he is now living2 and is not ashamed to clip the wings of free1 high-soaring eloquence1 and submit himself to the comedian's fetters of bald question and answer4 ,he1 whose thoughts should have found utterance in thundering oratory1 is content to weave a puny network of conversation4 ,such things may draw a smile from his audience1 a nod1 an unimpassioned wave of the hand1 a murmur of approbation3 they can never hope to evoke the deafening uproar of universal applause4 ,and this1 gentlemen1 is the fascination under which he looks coldly upon me2 ,i commend his taste6 ,they say1 indeed1 that he is not on the best of terms even with his beloved ,dialogue2 apparently ,i am not the only victim of his overweening pride4 ,does not such ingratitude as this render him liable to the penalties imposed by the marriage-laws8 ,he leaves me1 his lawful wife1 to whom he is indebted alike for wealth and reputation1 leaves me to neglect1 and goes off in pursuit of novelty2 and that1 at a time when all eyes are turned upon me1 when all men write me their protectress4 ,i hold out against the entreaties of countless suitors3 they knock1 and my doors remain closed to them2 they call loudly upon my name1 but ,i scorn their empty clamours1 and answer them not4 ,all is in vain3 he will not return to me1 nor withdraw his eyes from this new love4 ,in ,heaven's name1 what does he expect to get from him8 what has ,dialogue but his cloak8 ,in conclusion1 gentlemen3 should he attempt to employ my art in his defence1 suffer him not thus unscrupulously to sharpen my own sword against me2 bid him defend himself1 if he can1 with the weapons of his adored ,dialogue4 ,her4 ,now there1 madam1 you are unreasonable3 how can he possibly make a dialogue of it all by himself8 ,no1 no2 let him deliver a regular speech1 just the same as other people4 ,syrian4 ,in view1 gentlemen1 of the indignation that plaintiff has expressed at the idea of my employing her gift of eloquence in order to maintain my cause at large1 ,i shall confine myself to a brief and summary refutation of her charges1 and shall then leave the whole matter to your discernment4 ,gentlemen1 all that the plaintiff has said is true4 ,she educated me2 she bore me company in my travels2 she made a ,greek of me4 ,she has each of these claims to a husband's gratitude4 ,i have now to give my reasons for abandoning her1 and cultivating the acquaintance of ,dialogue3 and1 believe me1 no motive of self- interest shall induce me to misrepresent the facts4 ,i found1 then1 that the discreet bearing1 the seemly dress1 which had distinguished her in the days of her union with the illustrious demesman of ,paeania ,footnote3 ,demosthenes41 were now thrown aside3 ,i saw her tricked out and bedizened1 rouged and painted like a courtesan4 ,my suspicions were aroused1 and ,i began to watch the direction of her eyes4 ,to make a long story short1 our street was nightly infested with the serenades of her tipsy gallants1 some of whom1 not content with knocking at our doors1 threw aside all restraint1 and forced their way into the house4 ,these attentions amused and delighted my wife3 she was commonly to be seen leaning over the parapet and listening to the loose ditties that were bawled up from below2 and when she thought she was unobserved1 she would even open the door1 and admit the gallant to her shameless embraces4 ,such things were not to be endured3 ,i was loth to bring her into the divorce-court1 and accordingly sought the hospitality of ,dialogue1 who was my near neighbour4 ,such1 gentlemen1 are the grievous wrongs that plaintiff has suffered at my hands4 ,even had the provocation ,i have described been wanting1 my age 7,i was then nearly forty years old7 called upon me to withdraw from the turmoil of the law-courts1 and suffer the #8gentlemen of the jury' to rest in peace4 ,tyrants enough had been arraigned1 princes enough been eulogized3 it was time to retreat to the walks of ,academy or the ,lyceum1 there to enjoy1 in the delightful society of ,dialogue1 that tranquil discourse which aims not at noisy acclamations4 ,i might say much more1 but ,i forbear3 you1 gentlemen1 will give your votes in accordance with the dictates of conscience4 ,just4 ,who wins8 ,her4 ,the ,syrian has all votes but one4 ,just4 ,and that one a rhetorician's1 ,i suppose4 ,dialogue will now address the same jury4 ,gentlemen1 you will remain and hear this second case1 and will receive a double fee4 ,dia4 ,if ,i had had my choice1 gentlemen1 ,i should have addressed you in the conversational style to which ,i am accustomed1 instead of delivering a long harangue4 ,however1 ,i must conform to the custom of the law-courts1 though ,i have neither skill nor experience in such matters4 ,so much by way of exordium3 and now for the outrage committed on me by the defendant4 ,in former days1 gentlemen1 ,i was a person of exalted character3 my speculations turned upon the ,gods1 and ,nature1 and the ,annus ,magnus2 ,i trod those aerial plains wherein ,zeus on winged car is borne along through the heights4 ,my flight had actually brought me to the heavenly vault2 ,i was just setting foot upon the upper surface of that dome1 when this ,syrian took it upon himself to drag me down1 break my wings1 and reduce me to the common level of humanity4 ,whisking off the seemly tragic mask ,i then wore1 he clapped on in its place a comic one that was little short of ludicrous3 his next step was to huddle me into a corner with ,jest1 ,lampoon1 ,cynicism1 and the comedians ,eupolis and ,aristophanes1 persons with a horrible knack of making light of sacred things1 and girding at all that is as it should be4 ,but the climax was reached when he unearthed a barking1 snarling old ,cynic1 ,menippus by name1 and thrust his company upon me2 a grim bulldog1 if ever there was one2 a treacherous brute that will snap at you while his tail is yet wagging4 ,could any man be more abominably misused8 ,stripped of my proper attire1 ,i am made to play the buffoon1 and to give expression to every whimsical absurdity that his caprice dictates4 ,and1 as if that were not preposterous enough1 he has forbidden me either to walk on my feet or to rise on the wings of poesy3 ,i am a ridiculous cross between prose and verse2 a monster of incongruity2 a literary ,centaur4 ,her4 ,now1 ,syrian3 what do you say to that8 ,syrian4 ,gentlemen of the jury1 ,i am surprised4 ,nothing could be more unexpected than the charge ,dialogue has brought against me4 ,when ,i first took him in hand1 he was regarded by the world at large as one whose interminable discussions had soured his temper and exhausted his vitality4 ,his labours entitled him to respect1 but he had none of the attractive qualities that could secure him popularity4 ,my first step was to accustom him to walk upon the common ground like the rest of mankind2 my next1 to make him presentable1 by giving him a good bath and teaching him to smile4 ,finally1 ,i assigned him ,comedy as his yokefellow1 thus gaining him the confidence of his hearers1 who until then would as soon have thought of picking up a hedgehog as of venturing into the thorny presence of ,dialogue4 ,but ,i know what the grievance is3 he wants me to sit and discourse subtle nothings with him about the immortality of the soul1 and the exact number of pints of pure homogeneous essence that went to the making of the universe1 and the claims of rhetoric to be called a shadow of a fraction of statecraft1 or a fourth part of flattery4 ,he takes a curious pleasure in refinements of this kind2 it tickles his vanity most deliciously to be told that not every man can see so far into the ideal as he4 ,evidently he expects me to conform to his taste in this respect2 he is still hankering after those lost wings2 his eyes are turned upwards2 he cannot see the things that lie before his feet4 ,i think there is nothing else he can complain of4 ,he cannot say that ,i1 who pass for a barbarian1 have torn off his ,greek dress1 and replaced it with one like my own3 that would have been another matter2 to deprive him of his native garb were indeed a crime4 ,gentlemen1 ,i have made my defence1 as far as in me lies3 ,i trust that your present verdict will confirm the former one4 ,her4 ,well ,i never6 ,all ten are for you again4 ,only one dissentient1 and he the same one as before4 ,true to his envious principles1 he must ever give his vote against his betters4 ,the jurors may now leave the court4 ,the remaining cases will come on to-morrow4 ,,the ,,parasite1 ,a ,,demonstration ,,that ,,sponging ,,is ,a ,,profession ,tychiades4 ,simon ,tyc4 ,i am curious about you1 ,simon4 ,ordinary people1 free and slaves alike1 have some trade or profession that enables them to benefit themselves and others2 you seem to be an exception4 ,si4 ,i do not quite see what you mean1 ,tychiades2 put it a little clearer4 ,tyc4 ,i want to know whether you have a profession of any sort2 for instance1 are you a musician8 ,si4 ,certainly not4 ,tyc4 ,a doctor8 ,si4 ,no4 ,tyc4 ,a mathematician8 ,si4 ,no4 ,tyc4 ,do you teach rhetoric1 then8 ,i need not ask about philosophy2 you have about as much to do with that as sin has4 ,si4 ,less1 if possible4 ,do not imagine that you are enlightening me upon my failings4 ,i acknowledge myself a sinner--worse than you take me for4 ,tyc4 ,very well4 ,but possibly you have abstained from these professions because nothing great is easy4 ,perhaps a trade is more in your way2 are you a carpenter or cobbler8 ,your circumstances are hardly such as to make a trade superfluous4 ,si4 ,quite true4 ,well1 ,i have no skill in any of these4 ,tye4 ,but in----8 ,si4 ,an excellent one1 in my opinion2 if you were acquainted with it you would agree1 ,i am sure4 ,i can claim to be a practical master in the art by this time2 whether ,i can give an account of my faith is another question4 ,tyc4 ,what is it8 ,si4 ,no1 ,i do not think ,i have got up the theory of it sufficiently4 ,for the present1 rest assured that ,i have a profession1 and cease your strictures on that head4 ,its nature you shall know another time4 ,tyc4 ,no1 no2 ,i will not be put off like that4 ,si4 ,well1 ,i am afraid my profession would be rather a shock to you4 ,tyc4 ,i like shocks4 ,si4 ,well1 ,i will tell you some day4 ,tyc4 ,now1 ,i say2 or else ,i shall know you are ashamed of it4 ,si4 ,well1 then1 ,i sponge4 ,tyc4 ,why1 what sane man would call sponging a profession8 ,si4 ,i1 for one4 ,and if you think ,i am not sane1 put down my innocence of other professions to insanity1 and let that be my sufficient excuse4 ,my lady ,insanity1 they say1 is unkind to her votaries in most respects2 but at least she excuses their offences1 which she makes herself responsible for1 like a schoolmaster or tutor4 ,tyc4 ,so sponging is an art1 eh8 ,si4 ,it is2 and ,i profess it4 ,tyc4 ,so you are a sponger8 ,si4 ,what an awful reproach6 ,tyc4 ,what6 you do not blush to call yourself a sponger8 ,si4 ,on the contrary1 ,i should be ashamed of not calling myself so4 ,tyc4 ,and when we want to distinguish you for the benefit of any one who does not know you1 but has occasion to find you out1 we must say #8the sponger1' naturally8 ,si4 ,the name will be more welcome to me than #8statuary' to ,phidias2 ,i am as proud of my profession as ,phidias of his ,zeus4 ,tyc4 ,ha1 ha1 ha6 ,excuse me--just a particular that occurred to me4 ,si4 ,namely----8 ,tyc4 ,think of the address of your letters--,simon the ,sponger6 ,si4 ,simon the ,sponger1 ,dion the ,philosopher4 ,i shall like mine as well as he his4 ,tyc4 ,well1 well1 your taste in titles concerns me very little4 ,come now to the next absurdity4 ,si4 ,which is----8 ,tyc4 ,the getting it entered on the list of arts4 ,when any one asks what the art is1 how do we describe it8 ,letters we know1 ,medicine we know2 ,sponging8 ,si4 ,my own opinion is1 that it has an exceptionally good right to the name of art4 ,if you care to listen1 ,i will explain1 though ,i have not got this properly into shape1 as ,i remarked before4 ,tyc4 ,oh1 a brief exposition will do1 provided it is true4 ,si4 ,i think1 if you agree1 we had better examine ,art generically first2 that will enable us to go into the question whether the specific arts really belong under it4 ,tyc4 ,well1 what is ,art8 ,of course you know that8 ,si4 ,quite well4 ,tyc4 ,out with it1 then1 as you know4 ,si4 ,an art1 as ,i once heard a wise man say1 is a body of perceptions regularly employed for some useful purpose in human life4 ,tyc4 ,and he was quite right4 ,si4 ,so1 if sponging has all these marks1 it must be an art8 ,tyc4 ,if1 yes4 ,si4 ,well1 now we will bring to bear on sponging each of these essential elements of ,art1 and see whether its character rings true1 or returns a cracked note like bad pottery when it is tapped4 ,it has got to be1 like all art1 a body of perceptions4 ,well1 we find at once that our artist has to distinguish critically the man who will entertain him satisfactorily and not give him reason to wish that he had sponged elsewhere4 ,now1 in as much as assaying--which is no more than the power of distinguishing between false and true coin--is a recognized profession1 you will hardly refuse the same status to that which distinguishes between false and true men2 the genuineness of men is more obscure than that of coins2 this indeed is the gist of the wise ,euripides's complaint3 ,but among men how tell the base apart8 ,virtue and vice stamp not the outward flesh4 ,so much the greater the sponger's art1 which beats prophecy in the certainty of its conclusions upon problems so difficult4 ,next1 there is the faculty of so directing your words and actions as to effect intimacy and convince your patron of your devotion3 is that consistent with weak understanding or perception8 ,tyc4 ,certainly not4 ,si4 ,then at table one has to outshine other people1 and show the difference between amateur and professional3 is that to be done without thought and ingenuity8 ,tyc4 ,no1 indeed4 ,si4 ,or perhaps you fancy that any outsider who will take the trouble can tell a good dinner from a bad one4 ,well1 the mighty ,plato says1 if the guest is not versed in cookery1 the dressing of the banquet will be but unworthily judged4 ,the next point to be established is1 that sponging depends not merely on perceptions1 but on perceptions regularly employed4 ,nothing simpler4 ,the perceptions on which other arts are based frequently remain unemployed by their owner for days1 nights1 months1 or years1 without his art's perishing2 whereas1 if those of the sponger were to miss their daily exercise1 not merely his art would perish1 but he with it4 ,there remains the #8useful purpose in human life'2 it would take a madman to question that here4 ,i find nothing that serves a more useful purpose in human life than eating and drinking2 without them you cannot live4 ,tyc4 ,that is true4 ,si4 ,moreover1 sponging is not to be classed with beauty and strength1 and so called a quality instead of an art8 ,tyc4 ,no4 ,si4 ,and1 in the sphere of art1 it does not denote the negative condition1 of unskilfulness4 ,that never brings its owner prosperity4 ,take an instance3 if a man who did not understand navigation took charge of a ship in a stormy sea1 would he be safe8 ,tyc4 ,not he4 ,si4 ,why1 now8 ,because he wants the art which would enable him to save his life8 ,tyc4 ,exactly4 ,si4 ,it follows that1 if sponging was the negative of art1 the sponger would not save his life by its means8 ,tyc4 ,yes4 ,si4 ,a man is saved by art1 not by the absence of it8 ,tyc4 ,quite so4 ,si4 ,so sponging is an art8 ,tyc4 ,apparently4 ,si4 ,let me add that ,i have often known even good navigators and skilful drivers come to grief1 resulting with the latter in bruises and with the former in death but no one will tell you of a sponger who ever made shipwreck4 ,very well1 then1 sponging is neither the negative of art1 nor is it a quality2 but it is a body of perceptions regularly employed4 ,so it emerges from the present discussion an art4 ,tyc4 ,that seems to be the upshot4 ,but now proceed to give us a good definition of your art4 ,si4 ,well thought of4 ,and ,i fancy this will about do3 ,sponging is the art of eating and drinking1 and of the talk by which these may be secured2 its end is ,pleasure4 ,tyc4 ,a very good definition1 ,i think4 ,but ,i warn you that your end will bring you into conflict with some of the philosophers4 ,st4 ,ah well1 if sponging agrees with ,happiness about the end1 we may be content4 ,and that it does ,i will soon show you4 ,the wise ,homer1 admiring the sponger's life as the only blissful enviable one1 has this3 ,i say no fairer end may be attained ,than when the people is attuned to mirth1 4 4 4 4 4 and groans the festal board ,with meat and bread1 and the cup-bearer's ladle ,from flowing bowl to cup the sweet wine dips4 ,as if this had not made his admiration quite clear enough1 he lays a little more emphasis1 good man1 on his personal opinion3 ,this in my heart ,i count the highest bliss4 ,moreover1 the character to whom he entrusts these words is not just any one2 it is the wisest of the ,greeks4 ,well now1 if ,odysseus had cared to say a word for the end approved by the ,stoics1 he had plenty of chances--when he brought back ,philoctetes from ,lemnos1 when he sacked ,troy1 when he stopped the ,greeks from giving up1 or when he made his way into ,troy by scourging himself and putting on rags bad enough for any ,stoic4 ,but no2 he never said theirs was a fairer end4 ,and again1 when he was living an ,epicurean life with ,calypso1 when he could spend idle luxurious days1 enjoying the daughter of ,atlas and giving the rein to every soft emotion1 even then he had not his fairer end2 that was still the life of the sponger4 ,banqueter was the word used for sponger in his day2 what does he say8 ,i must quote the lines again2 nothing like repetition3 #8,the banqueters in order set'2 and #8groans the festal board ,with meat and bread4' ,it was a remarkable piece of impudence on ,epicurus's part to appropriate the end that belongs to sponging for his system of ,happiness4 ,that it was a bit of larceny--,epicurus having nothing1 and the sponger much1 to do with ,pleasure--,i will soon show you4 ,i take it that ,pleasure means1 first1 bodily tranquillity1 and secondly1 an untroubled soul4 ,well1 the sponger attains both1 ,epicurus neither4 ,a man who is busy inquiring into the earth's shape1 the infinity of worlds1 the sun's size1 astronomic distances1 the elements1 the existence or non-existence of ,gods1 and who is engaged in incessant controversies about the end--he is a prey not merely to human1 but to cosmic perturbations4 ,whereas the sponger1 convinced that all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds1 living secure and calm with no such perplexities to trouble him1 eats and sleeps and lies on his back1 letting his hands and feet look after themselves1 like ,odysseus on his passage home from ,scheria4 ,but here is an independent refutation of ,epicurus's pretensions to ,pleasure4 ,our ,epicurus1 whoever his ,wisdom may be1 either is1 or is not1 supplied with victuals4 ,if he is not1 so far from having a pleasurable life1 he will have no life at all4 ,if he is1 does he get them out of his own means1 or from some one else8 ,if the latter1 he is a sponger1 and not what he says he is2 if the former1 he will not have a pleasurable life4 ,tyc4 ,how so8 ,si4 ,why1 if his food is provided out of his own means1 that way of life has many consequences2 reckon them up4 ,you will admit that1 if the principle of your life is to be pleasure1 all your appetites have to be satisfied8 ,tyc4 ,i agree4 ,si4 ,well1 a large income may possibly meet that requirement1 a scanty one certainly not2 consequently1 a poor man cannot be a philosopher1 or in other words attain the end1 which is ,pleasure4 ,but neither will the rich1 who lavishes his substance on his desires1 attain it4 ,and why8 ,because spending has many worries inseparably attached to it2 your cook disappoints you1 and you must either have strained relations with him1 or else purchase peace and quiet by feeding badly and missing your pleasure4 ,then similar difficulties attend your steward's management of the house4 ,you must admit all this4 ,tyc4 ,oh1 certainly1 ,i agree4 ,si4 ,in fact1 something or other is sure to happen and cut off ,epicurus from his end4 ,now the sponger has no cook to be angry with1 no farm1 steward or money to be annoyed at the loss of2 at the same time he lives on the fat of the land1 and is the one person who can eat and drink without the worries from which others cannot escape4 ,that sponging is an art1 has now been abundantly proved2 it remains to show its superiority2 and this ,i shall take in two divisions3 first1 it has a general superiority to all the arts2 and1 secondly1 it is superior to each of them separately4 ,the general superiority is this3 the arts have to be instilled by dint of toil1 threats and blows--regrettable necessities1 all of them2 my own art1 of which the acquisition costs no toil1 is perhaps the only exception4 ,who ever came away from dinner in tears8 with the schoolroom it is different2 or who ever went out to dinner with the dismal expression characteristic of going to school8 ,no1 the sponger needs no pressing to get him to table2 he is devoted to his profession2 it is the other apprentices who hate theirs1 to the point of running away1 sometimes4 ,and it is worth your notice that a parent's usual reward for a child who makes progress in the ordinary arts is just the thing that the sponger gets regularly4 ,the lad has done his writing well1 they say2 let him have something nice3 what vile writing6 let him go without4 ,oh1 the mouth is very useful for reward and punishment4 ,again1 with the other arts the result comes only after the learning is done2 their fruits alone are agreeable2 #8long and steep the road thereto4' ,sponging is once more an exception1 in that profit and learning here go hand in hand2 you grasp your end as soon as you begin4 ,and whereas all other arts are practised solely for the sustenance they will ultimately bring1 the sponger has his sustenance from the day he starts4 ,you realize1 of course1 that the farmer's object in farming is something else than farming1 the carpenter's something different from abstract carpentering2 but the sponger has no ulterior object2 occupation and pre-occupation are for him one and the same4 ,then it is no news to any one that other professions slave habitually1 and get just one or two holidays a month2 ,states keep some monthly and some yearly festivals2 these are their times of enjoyment4 ,but the sponger has thirty festivals a month2 every day is a red-letter day with him4 ,once more1 success in the other arts presupposes a diet as abstemious as any invalid's2 eat and drink to your heart's content1 and you make no progress in your studies4 ,other arts1 again1 are useless to their professor unless he has his plant2 you cannot play the flute if you have not one to play2 lyrical music requires a lyre1 horsemanship a horse4 ,but of ours one of the excellences and conveniences is that no instrument is required for its exercise4 ,other arts we pay1 this we are paid1 to learn4 ,further1 while the rest have their teachers1 no one teaches sponging2 it is a gift from ,heaven1 as ,socrates said of poetry4 ,then do not forget that1 while the others have to be suspended during a journey or a voyage1 this may be in full swing under those circumstances too4 ,tyc4 ,no doubt about that4 ,si4 ,another point that strikes me is that other arts feel the need of this one1 but not vice versa4 ,tyc4 ,well1 but is the appropriation of what belongs to others no offence8 ,si4 ,of course it is4 ,tyc4 ,well1 the sponger does that2 why is he privileged to offend8 ,si4 ,ah1 ,i know nothing about that4 ,but now look here3 you know how common and mean are the beginnings of the other arts2 that of sponging1 on the contrary1 is noble4 ,friendship1 that theme of the encomiast1 is neither more nor less1 you will find1 than the beginning of sponging4 ,tyc4 ,how do you make that out8 ,si4 ,well1 no one asks an enemy1 a stranger1 or even a mere acquaintance1 to dinner2 the man must be his friend before he will share bit and sup with him1 and admit him to initiation in these sacred mysteries4 ,i know ,i have often heard people say1 ,friend1 indeed6 by what right8 he has never eaten or drunk with us4 ,you see2 only the man who has done that is a friend to be trusted4 ,next take a sound proof1 though not the only one1 that it is the most royal of the arts3 at the rest of them men have to work 7not to mention toil and sweat7 in the sitting or standing posture1 which marks them for the absolute slaves of their art1 whereas the sponger is free to recline like a king4 ,as to his happy condition1 ,i need no more than allude to the wise ,homer's words2 he it is1 and he alone1 that #8planteth not1 nor ploughs'2 he #8reapeth where he hath not ploughed nor sown4' ,again1 while knavery and folly are no bar to rhetoric1 mathematics1 or copper-working1 no knave or fool can get on as a sponger4 ,tyc4 ,dear1 dear1 what an amazing profession6 ,i am almost tempted to exchange my own for it4 ,si4 ,i consider ,i have now established its superiority to art in general2 let us next show how it excels individual arts4 ,and it would be silly to compare it with the trades2 ,i leave that to its detractors1 and undertake to prove it superior to the greatest and most honourable professions4 ,such by universal acknowledgement are ,rhetoric and ,philosophy2 indeed1 some people insist that no name but science is grand enough for them2 so if ,i prove sponging to be far above even these1 a fortiori it will excel the others as ,nausicaa her maids4 ,now1 its first superiority it enjoys over ,philosophy and ,rhetoric alike1 and this is in the matter of real existence2 it can claim that1 they cannot4 ,instead of our having a single consistent notion of ,rhetoric1 some of us consider it an art1 some the negation of art1 some a mere artfulness1 and so on4 ,similarly there is no unity in ,philosophy's subject1 or in its relation to it2 ,epicurus takes one view1 the ,stoics another1 the ,academy1 the ,peripatetics1 others2 in fact ,philosophy has as many definitions as definers4 ,so far at least victory wavers between them1 and their profession cannot be called one4 ,the conclusion is obvious2 ,i utterly deny that what has no real existence can be an art4 ,to illustrate3 there is one and only one ,arithmetic2 twice two is four whether here or in ,persia2 ,greeks and barbarians have no quarrel over that2 but philosophies are many and various1 agreed neither upon their beginnings nor their ends4 ,tyc4 ,perfectly true2 they call ,philosophy one1 but they make it many4 ,si4 ,well1 such a want of harmony might be excused in other arts1 they being of a contingent nature1 and the perceptions on which they are based not being immutable4 ,but that ,philosophy should lack unity1 and even conflict with itself like instruments out of tune--how can that be tolerated8 ,philosophy1 then1 is not one1 for ,i find its diversity infinite4 ,and it cannot be many1 because it is ,philosophy1 not philosophies4 ,the real existence of ,rhetoric must incur the same criticism4 ,that with the same subject-matter all professors should not agree1 but maintain conflicting opinions1 amounts to a demonstration3 that which is differently apprehended cannot exist4 ,the inquiry whether a thing is this or that1 in place of agreement that it is one1 is tantamount to a negation of its existence4 ,how different is the case of ,sponging6 for ,greeks or barbarians1 one in nature and subject and method4 ,no one will tell you that these sponge this way1 and those that2 there are no spongers with peculiar principles1 to match those of ,stoics and ,epicureans1 that ,i know of2 they are all agreed2 their conduct and their end alike harmonious4 ,sponging1 ,i take it on this showing1 is just ,wisdom itself4 ,tyc4 ,yes1 ,i think you have dealt with that point sufficiently2 apart from that1 how do you show the inferiority of ,philosophy to your art8 ,si4 ,i must first mention that no sponger was ever in love with ,philosophy2 but many philosophers are recorded to have set their hearts on ,sponging1 to which they still remain constant4 ,tyc4 ,philosophers caring to sponge8 ,names1 please4 ,si4 ,names8 ,you know them well enough2 you only play at not knowing because you regard it as a slur on their characters1 instead of as the credit it is4 ,tyc4 ,simon1 ,i solemnly assure you ,i cannot think where you will find your instances4 ,si4 ,honour bright8 ,then ,i conclude you never patronize their biographers1 or you could not hesitate about my reference4 ,tyc4 ,seriously1 ,i long to hear their names4 ,si4 ,oh1 ,i will give you a list2 not bad names either2 the elite1 if ,i am correctly informed2 they will rather surprise you4 ,aeschines the ,socratic1 now1 author of dialogues as witty as they are long1 brought them with him to ,sicily in the hope that they would gain him the royal notice of ,dionysius2 having given a reading of the ,miltiades1 and found himself famous1 he settled down in ,sicily to sponge on ,dionysius and forget ,socratic composition4 ,again1 ,i suppose you will pass ,aristippus of ,cyrene as a distinguished philosopher8 ,tyc4 ,assuredly4 ,si4 ,well1 he was living there too at the same time and on the same terms4 ,dionysius reckoned him the best of all spongers2 he had indeed a special gift that way2 the prince used to send his cooks to him daily for instruction4 ,he1 ,i think1 was really an ornament to the profession4 ,well then1 ,plato1 the noblest of you all1 came to ,sicily with the same view2 he did a few days' sponging1 but found himself incompetent and had to leave4 ,he went back to ,athens1 took considerable pains with himself1 and then had another try1 with exactly the same result1 however4 ,plato's ,sicilian disaster seems to me to bear comparison with that of ,nicias4 ,tyc4 ,your authority for all this1 pray8 ,si4 ,oh1 there are plenty of authorities2 but ,i will specify ,aristoxenus the musician1 a weighty one enough1 and himself attached as a sponger to ,neleus4 ,then you of course know that ,euripides held this relation to ,archelaus till the day of his death1 and ,anaxarchus to ,alexander4 ,as for ,aristotle1 that tiro in all arts was a tiro here too4 ,i have shown you1 then1 and without exaggeration1 the philosophic passion for sponging4 ,on the other hand1 no one can point to a sponger who ever cared to philosophize4 ,but of course1 if never to be hungry1 thirsty1 or cold1 is to be happy1 the sponger is the man who is in that position4 ,cold hungry philosophers you may see any day1 but never a cold hungry sponger2 the man would not be a sponger1 that is all1 but a wretched pauper1 no better than a philosopher4 ,tyc4 ,well1 let that pass4 ,and now what about those many points in which your art is superior to ,rhetoric and ,philosophy8 ,si4 ,human life1 my dear sir1 has its times and seasons2 there is peace time and there is war time4 ,these provide unfailing tests for the character of arts and their professors4 ,shall we take war time first1 and see who will do best for himself and for his city under those conditions8 ,tyc4 ,ah1 now comes the tug of war4 ,it tickles me1 this queer match between sponger and philosopher4 ,si4 ,well1 to make the thing more natural1 and enable you to take it seriously1 let us picture the circumstances4 ,sudden news has come of a hostile invasion2 it has to be met2 we are not going to sit still while our outlying territory is laid waste2 the commander-in-chief issues orders for a general muster of all liable to serve2 the troops gather1 including philosophers1 rhetoricians1 and spongers4 ,we had better strip them first1 as the proper preliminary to arming4 ,now1 my dear sir1 have a look at them individually and see how they shape4 ,some of them you will find thin and white with underfeeding--all goose-flesh1 as if they were lying wounded already4 ,now1 when you think of a hard day1 a stand- up fight with press and dust and wounds1 what is it but a sorry jest to talk of such starvelings' being able to stand it8 ,now go and inspect the sponger4 ,full-bodied1 flesh a nice colour1 neither white like a woman's nor tanned like a slave's2 you can see his spirit2 he has a keen look1 as a gentleman should1 and a high1 full-blooded one to boot2 none of your shrinking feminine glances when you are going to war6 ,a noble pike-man that1 and a noble corpse1 for that matter1 if a noble death is his fate4 ,but why deal in conjecture when there are facts to hand8 ,i make the simple statement that in war1 of all the rhetoricians and philosophers who ever lived1 most never ventured outside the city walls1 and the few who did1 under compulsion1 take their places in the ranks left their posts and went home4 ,tyc4 ,a bold extravagant assertion4 ,well1 prove it4 ,si4 ,rhetoricians1 then4 ,of these1 ,isocrates1 so far from serving in war1 never even ventured into a law-court2 he was afraid1 because his voice was weak1 ,i understand4 ,well1 then ,demades1 ,aeschines1 and ,philocrates1 directly the ,macedonian war broke out1 were frightened into betraying their country and themselves to ,philip4 ,they simply espoused his interests in ,athenian politics2 and any other ,athenian who took the same side was their friend4 ,as for ,hyperides1 ,demosthenes1 and ,lycurgus1 supposed to be bolder spirits1 and always raising scenes in the assembly with their abuse of ,philip1 how did they ever show their prowess in the war8 ,hyperides and ,lycurgus never went out1 did not so much as dare show their noses beyond the gates2 they sat snug inside in a domestic state of siege1 composing poor little decrees and resolutions4 ,and their great chieftain1 who had no gentler words for ,philip in the assembly than #8the brute from ,macedon1 which cannot produce even a slave worth buying'--well1 he did take heart of grace and go to ,boeotia the day before2 but battle had not been joined when he threw away his shield and made off4 ,you must have heard this before2 it was common talk not only at ,athens1 but in ,thrace and ,scythia1 whence the creature was derived4 ,tyc4 ,yes1 ,i know all that4 ,but then these are orators1 trained to speak1 not to fight4 ,but the philosophers2 you cannot say the same of them4 ,si4 ,oh1 yes2 they discuss manliness every day1 and do a great deal more towards wearing out the word ,virtue than the orators2 but you will find them still greater cowards and shirkers4--,how do ,i know8--,in the first place1 can any one name a philosopher killed in battle8 ,no1 they either do not serve1 or else run away4 ,antisthenes1 ,diogenes1 ,crates1 ,zeno1 ,plato1 ,aeschines1 ,aristotle1 and all their company1 never set eyes on a battle array4 ,their wise ,socrates was the solitary one who dared to go out2 and in the battle of ,delium he ran away from ,mount ,parnes and got safe to the gymnasium of ,taureas4 ,it was a far more civilized proceeding1 according to his ideas1 to sit there talking soft nonsense to handsome striplings and posing the company with quibbles1 than to cross spears with a grown ,spartan4 ,tyc4 ,well1 ,i have heard these stories before1 and from people who had no satirical intent4 ,so ,i acquit you of slandering them by way of magnifying your own profession4 ,but come now1 if you don't mind1 to the sponger's military behaviour2 and also tell me whether there is any sponging recorded of the ancients4 ,si4 ,my dear fellow1 the most uneducated of us has surely heard enough of ,homer to know that he makes the best of his heroes spongers4 ,the great ,nestor1 whose tongue distilled honeyed speech1 sponged on the ,king2 ,achilles was1 and was known for1 the most upright of the ,greeks in form and in mind2 but neither for him1 for ,ajax1 nor for ,diomede1 has ,agamemnon such admiring praise as for ,nestor4 ,it is not for ten ,ajaxes or ,achilleses that he prays2 no1 ,troy would have been taken long ago1 if he had had in his host ten men like--that old sponger4 ,idomeneus1 of ,zeus's own kindred1 is also represented in the same relation to ,agamemnon4 ,tyc4 ,i know the passages2 but ,i do not feel sure of the sense in which they were spongers4 ,si4 ,well1 recall the lines in which ,agamemnon addresses ,idomeneus4 ,tyc4 ,how do they go8 ,si4 ,for thee the cup stands ever full1 ,even as for me1 whene'er it lists thee drink4 ,when he speaks of the cup ever full1 he means not that it is perpetually ready 7when ,idomeneus is fighting or sleeping1 for instance71 but that he has had the peculiar privilege all through his life of sharing the ,king's table without that special invitation which is necessary for his other followers4 ,ajax1 after a glorious single combat with ,hector1 #8they brought to lordly ,agamemnon1' we are told2 he1 you see1 is admitted to the royal table 7and high time too7 as an honour2 whereas ,idomeneus and ,nestor were the ,king's regular table companions2 at least that is my idea4 ,nestor ,i take to have been an exceedingly good and skilful sponger on royalty2 ,agamemnon was not his first patron2 he had served his apprenticeship under ,caeneus and ,exadius4 ,and but for ,agamemnon's death ,i imagine he would never have relinquished the profession4 ,tyc4 ,yes1 that was a first-class sponger4 ,can you give me any more8 ,si4 ,why1 ,tychiades1 what else was ,patroclus's relation to ,achilles8 and he was as fine a fellow1 all round1 as any ,greek of them all4 ,judging by his actions1 ,i cannot make out that he was inferior to ,achilles himself4 ,when ,hector had forced the gates and was fighting inside by the ships1 it was ,patroclus who repelled him and extinguished the flames which had got a hold on ,protesilaus's ship2 yet one would not have said the people aboard her were inefficient--,ajax and ,teucer they were1 one as good in the melee as the other with his bow4 ,a great number of the barbarians1 including ,sarpedon the son of ,zeus1 fell to this sponger4 ,his own death was no common one4 ,it took only one man1 ,achilles1 to slay ,hector2 ,paris was enough for ,achilles himself2 but two men and a ,god went to the killing of the sponger4 ,and his last words bore no resemblance to those of the mighty ,hector1 who prostrated himself before ,achilles and besought him to let his relations have his body2 no1 they were such as might be expected from one of his profession4 ,here they are3-- ,but of thy like ,i would have faced a score1 ,and all the score my spear had given to death4 ,tyc4 ,yes1 you have proved him a good man2 but can you show him to have been not ,achilles's friend1 but a sponger8 ,si4 ,i will produce you his own statement to that effect4 ,tyc4 ,what a miracle-worker you are6 ,si4 ,listen to the lines1 then3 ,achilles1 lay my bones not far from thine2 ,thou and thine fed me2 let me lie by thee4 ,and a little further on he says3 ,peleus me received1 ,and nurtured gently1 and thy henchman named1 that is1 gave him the right of sponging2 if he had meant to allude to ,patroclus as his son's friend1 he would not have used the word henchman2 for he was a free man4 ,what is a henchman1 slaves and friends being excluded8 ,why1 obviously a sponger4 ,accordingly ,homer uses the same word of ,meriones's relation to ,idomeneus4 ,and by the way it is not ,idomeneus1 though he was son of ,zeus1 that he describes as #8peer of ,ares'2 it is the sponger ,meriones4 ,again1 did not ,aristogiton1 poor and of mean extraction1 as ,thucydides describes him1 sponge on ,harmodius8 ,he was also1 of course1 in love with him--a quite natural relation between the two classes4 ,this sponger it was1 then1 who delivered ,athens from tyranny1 and now adorns the marketplace in bronze1 side by side with the object of his passion4 ,and now ,i have given you an example or two of the profession4 ,but what sort of a guess do you make at the sponger's behaviour in war8 ,in the first place1 he will fight on a full belly1 as ,odysseus advises4 ,you must feed the man who is to fight1 he says1 however early in the morning it may happen to be4 ,the time that others spend in fitting on helmet or breastplate with nervous care1 or in anticipating the horrors of battle1 he will devote to putting away his food with a cheerful countenance1 and as soon as business begins you will find him in front4 ,his patron will take his place behind him1 sheltering under his shield as ,teucer under ,ajax's2 when missiles begin to fly the sponger will expose himself for his patron1 whose safety he values more than his own4 ,should he fall in battle1 neither officer nor comrade need feel ashamed of that great body1 which now reclines as appropriate an ornament of the battle-field as it once was of the dining-room4 ,a pretty sight is a philosopher's body by its side1 withered1 squalid1 and bearded2 he was dead before the fight began1 poor weakling4 ,who would not despise the city whose guards are such miserable creatures8 ,who would not suppose1 seeing these pallid1 hairy manikins scattered on the ground1 that it had none to fight for it1 and so had turned out its gaol-birds to fill the ranks8 ,that is how the spongers differ from the rhetoricians and philosophers in war4 ,then in peace time1 sponging seems to me as much better than philosophy as peace itself than war4 ,be kind enough to glance first at the scenes of peace4 ,tyc4 ,i do not quite know what they are2 but let us glance at them1 by all means4 ,si4 ,well1 you will let me describe as civil scenes the market1 the courts1 the wrestling-schools and gymnasia1 the hunting field and the dining-room8 ,tyc4 ,certainly4 ,si4 ,to market and courts the sponger gives a wide berth they are the haunts of chicanery2 there is no satisfaction to be got out of them4 ,but at wrestling-school and gymnasium he is in his element2 he is their chief glory4 ,show me a philosopher or orator who is in the same class with him when he strips in the wrestling- school2 look at them in the gymnasium2 they shame instead of adorning it4 ,and in a lonely place none of them would face the onset of a wild beast2 the sponger will1 though1 and find no difficulty in disposing of it2 his table familiarity with it has bred contempt4 ,a stag or a wild boar may put up its bristles2 he will not mind2 the boar may whet its tusks against him2 he only returns the compliment4 ,as for hares1 he is more deadly to them than a greyhound4 ,and then in the dining-room1 where is his match1 to jest or to eat8 ,who will contribute most to entertainment1 he with his song and his joke1 or a person who has not a laugh in him1 sits in a threadbare cloak1 and keeps his eyes on the ground as if he was at a funeral and not a dinner8 ,if you ask me1 ,i think a philosopher has about as much business in a dining-room as a bull in a china-shop4 ,but enough of this4 ,what impression does one get of the sponger's actual life1 when one compares it with the other8 ,first it will be found that he is indifferent to reputation1 and does not care a jot what people think about him1 whereas all rhetoricians and philosophers without exception are the slaves of vanity1 reputation1 and what is worse1 of money4 ,no one could be more careless of the pebbles on the shore than the sponger is of money2 he would as soon touch fire as gold4 ,but the rhetoricians and1 as if that were not bad enough1 the professed philosophers1 are beneath contempt in this respect4 ,no need to illustrate in the case of the rhetoricians2 but of the philosophers whose repute stands highest at present1 one was lately convicted of taking a bribe for his verdict in a law-suit1 and another expects a salary for giving a prince his company1 and counts it no shame to go into exile in his old age1 and hire himself out for pay like some ,indian or ,scythian captive4 ,the very name his conduct has earned him calls no blush to his cheek4 ,but their susceptibilities are by no means limited to these2 pain1 temper1 jealousy1 and all sorts of desires1 must be added2 all of which the sponger is beyond the reach of2 he does not yield to temper because on the one hand he has fortitude1 and on the other hand he has no one to irritate him4 ,or if he is by any chance moved to wrath1 there is nothing disagreeable or sullen about it2 it entertains and amuses merely4 ,as to pain1 he has less of that to endure than anybody1 one of his profession's recommendations and privileges being just that immunity4 ,he has neither money1 house1 slave1 wife1 nor children--those hostages to ,fortune4 ,he desires neither fame1 wealth1 nor beauty4 ,tyc4 ,he will feel pain if the supplies run short1 ,i presume4 ,si4 ,ah1 but you see1 he is not a sponger if that happens4 ,a courageous man is not courageous if he has no courage1 a sensible one not sensible if he has no sense4 ,he could not be a sponger under those conditions4 ,we are discussing the sponger1 not the non- sponger4 ,if the courageous is so in virtue of his courage1 the sensible sensible in virtue of his sense1 then the sponger is a sponger in virtue of sponging4 ,take that away1 and we shall be dealing with something else1 and not with a sponger at all4 ,tyc4 ,so his supplies will never run short8 ,si4 ,manifestly4 ,so he is as free from that sort of pain as from others4 ,then all philosophers and rhetoricians are timorous creatures together4 ,you may generally see them carrying sticks on their walks2 well1 of course they would not go armed if they were not afraid4 ,and they bar their doors elaborately1 for fear of night attacks4 ,now our man just latches his room door1 so that the wind may not blow it open2 if there is a noise in the night1 it is all the same to him as if there were none2 he will travel a lonely road and wear no sword2 he does not know what fear is4 ,but ,i am always seeing philosophers1 though there is nothing to be afraid of1 carrying bows and arrows2 as for their sticks1 they take them to bath or breakfast with them4 ,again1 no one can accuse a sponger of adultery1 violence1 rape1 or in fact of any crime whatsoever4 ,one guilty of such offences will not be sponging1 but ruining himself4 ,if he is caught in adultery1 his style thenceforth is taken from his offence4 ,just as a piece of cowardice brings a man not repute1 but disrepute1 so1 ,i take it1 the sponger who commits an offence loses his previous title and gets in exchange that proper to the offence4 ,of such offences on the part of rhetoricians and philosophers1 on the other hand1 we have not only abundant examples in our own time1 but records against the ancients in their own writings4 ,there is an ,apology of ,socrates1 of ,aeschines1 of ,hyperides1 of ,demosthenes1 and indeed of most of their kind4 ,there is no sponger's apology extant1 and you will never hear of anybody's bringing a suit against one4 ,now ,i suppose you will tell me that the sponger's life may be better than theirs1 but his death is worse4 ,not a bit of it2 it is a far happier one4 ,we know very well that all or most philosophers have had the wretched fate they deserved1 some by poison after condemnation for heinous crimes1 some by burning alive1 some by strangury1 some in exile4 ,no one can adduce a sponger's death to match these2 he eats and drinks1 and dies a blissful death4 ,if you are told that any died a violent one1 be sure it was nothing worse than indigestion4 ,tyc4 ,i must say1 you have done well for your kind against the philosophers4 ,and now look at it from the patron's point of view2 does he get his money's worth8 ,it strikes me the rich man does the kindness1 confers the favour1 finds the food1 and it is all a little discreditable to the man who takes them4 ,si4 ,now1 really1 ,tychiades1 that is rather silly of you4 ,can you not see that a rich man1 if he had the gold of ,gyges1 is yet poor as long as he dines alone1 and no better than a tramp if he goes abroad unattended8 ,a soldier without his arms1 a dress without its purple1 a horse without its trappings1 are poor things2 and a rich man without his sponger is a mean1 cheap spectacle4 ,the sponger gives lustre to the patron1 never the patron to the other4 ,moreover1 none of the reproach that you imagine attaches to sponging2 you refer1 of course1 to the difference in their degrees2 but then it is an advantage to the rich man to keep the other2 apart from his ornamental use1 he is a most valuable bodyguard4 ,in battle no one will be over ready to undertake the rich man with such a comrade at his side2 and you can hardly1 having him1 die by poison4 ,who would dare attempt such a thing1 with him tasting your food and drink8 ,so he brings you not only credit1 but insurance4 ,his affection is such that he will run all risks2 he would never leave his patron to face the dangers of the table alone2 no1 he would rather eat and die with him4 ,tyc4 ,you have stated your case without missing a point1 ,simon4 ,do not tell me you were unprepared again2 you have been trained in a good school1 man4 ,but one thing more ,i should like to know4 ,there is a nasty sound about the word sponger1 don't you think8 ,si4 ,see whether ,i have a satisfactory answer to that4 ,oblige me by giving what you consider the right answers to my questions4 ,sponging is an old word2 what does it really mean8 ,tyc4 ,getting your dinner at some one else's expense4 ,si4 ,dining out1 in fact8 ,tyc4 ,yes4 ,si4 ,and we may call a sponger an out-diner8 ,tyc4 ,the gravamen's in that2 he should dine at home4 ,si4 ,a few more answers1 please4 ,of these pairs1 which do you consider the best8 ,which would you take1 if you had the choice8-,to sail1 or to out-sail8 ,tyc4 ,the latter4 ,si4 ,to run or out-run8 ,tyc4 ,the latter4 ,si4 ,ride or out-ride1 shoot or out-shoot8 ,tyc4 ,still the same4 ,si4 ,so ,i presume an out-diner is better than a diner8 ,tyc4 ,indisputable4 ,henceforward ,i shall come to you morning and afternoon like a schoolboy for lessons4 ,and ,i am sure you ought to do your very best for me1 as your first pupil4 ,the first child is always the mother's joy1 you know4 ,footnote3 ,it has been necessary1 in ,section #fj1 to tamper a little with the ,greek in order to get the point1 such as it is2 but it has not been seriously misrepresented4 ,,anacharsis1 ,a ,,discussion ,,of ,,physical ,,training ,anacharsis4 ,solon ,an4 ,why do your young men behave like this1 ,solon8 ,some of them grappling and tripping each other1 some throttling1 struggling1 intertwining in the clay like so many pigs wallowing4 ,and yet their first proceeding after they have stripped--,i noticed that--is to oil and scrape each other quite amicably2 but then ,i do not know what comes over them--they put down their heads and begin to push1 and crash their foreheads together like a pair of rival rams4 ,there1 look6 that one has lifted the other right off his legs1 and dropped him on the ground2 now he has fallen on top1 and will not let him get his head up1 but presses it down into the clay2 and to finish him off he twines his legs tight round his belly1 thrusts his elbow hard against his throat1 and throttles the wretched victim1 who meanwhile is patting his shoulder2 that will be a form of supplication2 he is asking not to be quite choked to death4 ,regardless of their fresh oil1 they get all filthy1 smother themselves in mud and sweat till they might as well not have been anointed1 and present1 to me at least1 the most ludicrous resemblance to eels slipping through a man's hands4 ,then here in the open court are others doing just the same1 except that1 instead of the clay1 they have for floor a depression filled with deep sand1 with which they sprinkle one another1 scraping up the dust on purpose1 like fowls2 ,i suppose they want their interfacings to be tighter2 the sand is to neutralize the slipperiness of the oil1 and by drying it up to give a firmer grip4 ,and here are others1 sanded too1 but on their legs1 going at each other with blows and kicks4 ,we shall surely see this poor fellow spit out his teeth in a minute2 his mouth is all full of blood and sand2 he has had a blow on the jaw from the other's fist1 you see4 ,why does not the official there separate them and put an end to it8 ,i guess that he is an official from his purple2 but no1 he encourages them1 and commends the one who gave that blow4 ,wherever you look1 every one busy-rising on his toes1 jumping up and kicking the air1 or something4 ,now ,i want to know what is the good of it all4 ,to me it looks more like madness than anything else4 ,it will not be very easy to convince me that people who behave like this are not wrong in their heads4 ,so4 ,it is quite natural it should strike you that way1 being so novel1 and so utterly contrary to ,scythian customs4 ,similarly you have no doubt many methods and habits that would seem extraordinary enough to us ,greeks1 v if we were spectators of them as you now are of ours4 ,but be reassured1 my dear sir2 these proceedings are not madness2 it is no spirit of violence that sets them hitting each other1 wallowing in clay1 and sprinkling dust4 ,the thing has its use1 and its delight too1 resulting in admirable physical condition4 ,if you make some stay1 as ,i imagine you will1 in ,greece1 you are bound to be either a clay-bob or a dust-bob before long2 you will be so taken with the pleasure and profit of the pursuit4 ,an4 ,hands off1 please4 ,no1 ,i wish you all joy of your pleasures and your profits2 but if any of you treats me like that1 he will find out that we do not wear scimetars for ornament4 ,but would you mind giving a name to all this8 ,what are we to say they are doing8 ,so4 ,the place is called a gymnasium1 and is dedicated to the ,lycean ,apollo4 ,you see his statue there2 the one leaning on the pillar1 with a bow in the left hand4 ,the right arm bent over the head indicates that the ,god is resting after some great exertion4 ,of the exercises here1 that in the clay is called wrestling2 the youths in the dust are also called wrestlers1 and those who strike each other standing are engaged in what we call the pancratium4 ,but we have other gymnasiums for boxing1 quoit-throwing1 and high- jumping2 and in all these we hold contests1 the winner in which is honoured above all his contemporaries1 and receives prizes4 ,an4 ,ah1 and what are the prizes1 now8 ,so4 ,at ,olympia a wreath of wild olive1 at the ,isthmus one of pine1 at ,nemea of parsley1 at ,pytho some of the ,god's sacred apples1 and at our ,panathenaea oil pressed from the temple olives4 ,what are you laughing at1 ,anacharsis8 ,are the prizes too small8 ,an4 ,oh dear no2 your prize-list is most imposing2 the givers may well plume themselves on their munificence1 and the competitors be monstrous keen on winning4 ,who would not go through this amount of preparatory toil1 and take his chance of a choking or a dislocation1 for apples or parsley8 ,it is obviously impossible for any one who has a fancy to a supply of apples1 or a wreath of parsley or pine1 to get them without a mud plaster on his face1 or a kick in the stomach from his competitor4 ,so4 ,my dear sir1 it is not the things' intrinsic value that we look at4 ,they are the symbols of victory1 labels of the winners2 it is the fame attaching to them that is worth any price to their holders2 that is why the man whose quest of honour leads through toil is content to take his kicks4 ,no toil1 no honour2 he who covets that must start with enduring hardship2 when he has done that1 he may begin to look for the pleasure and profit his labours are to bring4 ,an4 ,which pleasure and profit consists in their being seen in their wreaths by every one1 and congratulated on their victory by those who before commiserated their pain2 their happiness lies in their exchange of apples and parsley for toil4 ,so4 ,ah1 you certainly do not understand our ways yet4 ,you will revise your opinions before long1 when you go to the great festivals and see the crowds gathering to look on1 the stands filling up1 the competitors receiving their ovations1 and the victor being idolized4 ,an4 ,why1 ,solon1 that is just where the humiliation comes in2 they are treated like this not in something like privacy1 but with all these spectators to watch the affronts they endure--who1 ,i am to believe1 count them happy when they see them dripping with blood or being throttled2 for such are the happy concomitants of victory4 ,in my country1 if a man strikes a citizen1 knocks him down1 or tears his clothes1 our elders punish him severely1 even though there were only one or two witnesses1 not like your vast ,olympic or ,isthmian gatherings4 ,however1 though ,i cannot help pitying the competitors1 ,i am still more astonished at the spectators2 you tell me the chief people from all over ,greece attend2 how can they leave their serious concerns and waste time on such things8 ,how they can like it passes my comprehension--to look on at people being struck and knocked about1 dashed to the ground and pounded by one another4 ,so4 ,if the ,olympia1 ,isthmia1 or ,panathenaea were only on now1 those object-lessons might have been enough to convince you that our keenness is not thrown away4 ,i cannot make you apprehend the delights of them by description2 you should be there sitting in the middle of the spectators1 looking at the men's courage and physical beauty1 their marvellous condition1 effective skill and invincible strength1 their enterprise1 their emulation1 their unconquerable spirit1 and their unwearied pursuit of victory4 ,oh1 ,i know very well1 you would never have been tired of talking about your favourites1 backing them with voice and hand4 ,an4 ,i dare say1 and with laugh and flout too4 ,all the fine things in your list1 your courages and conditions1 your beauties and enterprises1 ,i see you wasting in no high cause2 your country is not in danger1 your land not being ravaged1 your friends or relations not being haled away4 ,the more ridiculous that such patterns of perfection as you make them out should endure the misery all for nothing1 and spoil their beauty and their fine figures with sand and black eyes1 just for the triumphant possession of an apple or a sprig of wild olive4 ,oh1 how ,i love to think of those prizes6 ,by the way1 do all who enter get them8 ,so4 ,no1 indeed4 ,there is only one winner4 ,an4 ,and do you mean to say such a number can be found to toil for a remote uncertainty of success1 knowing that the winner cannot be more than one1 and the failures must be many1 with their bruises1 or their wounds very likely1 for sole reward8 ,so4 ,dear me2 you have no idea yet of what is a good political constitution1 or you would never depreciate the best of our customs4 ,if you ever take the trouble to inquire how a ,state may best be organized1 and its citizens best developed1 you will find yourself commending these practices and the earnestness with which we cultivate them2 then you will realize what good effects are inseparable from those toils which seem for the moment to tax our energies to no purpose4 ,an4 ,well1 ,solon1 why did ,i come all the way from ,scythia1 why did ,i make the long stormy passage of the ,euxine1 but to learn the laws of ,greece1 observe your customs1 and work out the best constitution8 ,that was why ,i chose you of all ,athenians for my friend and host2 ,i had heard of you2 ,i had been told you were a legislator1 you had devised the most admirable customs1 introduced institutions of great excellence1 and in fact built up what you call a constitution4 ,before all things1 then1 teach me2 make me your pupil4 ,nothing would please me more than to sit by your side without bit or sup for as long as you could hold out1 and listen open-mouthed to what you have to say of constitution and laws4 ,so4 ,the whole thing can hardly be so shortly disposed of1 friend4 ,you must take the different departments1 one by one1 and find out our views upon the ,gods1 then upon parents1 upon marriage1 and so for the rest4 ,but ,i will let you know at once what we think about the young1 and how we treat them when higher things begin to dawn upon their intelligence1 when their frames begin to set and to be capable of endurance4 ,then you will grasp our purpose in imposing these exercises upon them and insisting on physical effort2 our view is not bounded by the contests1 and directed to their carrying off prizes there--of course only a small proportion of them ever reach that point2 no2 the indirect benefit that we secure for their city and themselves is of more importance4 ,there is another contest in which all good citizens get prizes1 and its wreaths are not of pine or wild olive or parsley1 but of complete human happiness1 including individual freedom and political independence1 wealth and repute1 enjoyment of our ancient ritual1 security of our dear ones1 and all the choicest boons a man might ask of ,heaven4 ,it is of these materials that the wreath ,i tell you of is woven2 and they are provided by that contest for which this training and these toils are the preparation4 ,an4 ,you strange man6 you had all these grand prizes up your sleeve1 and you told me a tale of apples and parsley and tufts of wild olive and pine4 ,so4 ,ah1 you will not think those such trifles either1 when you take my meaning4 ,they are manifestations of the same spirit1 all small parts of that greater contest1 and of the wreath of happiness ,i told you of4 ,but it is true that instead of beginning at the beginning ,i was carried away to the meetings at the ,isthmus and ,olympia and ,nemea4 ,however1 we have plenty of time1 and you profess curiosity2 it is a simple matter to go back to the beginning1 to that many-prized contest which ,i tell you is the real end of all4 ,an4 ,that will be better2 we are more likely to prosper on the high road2 perhaps ,i shall even be cured of my inclination to laugh at any one ,i see priding himself on his olive or parsley wreath4 ,but ,i propose that we go into the shade over there and sit down on the benches1 not to be interrupted by these rounds of cheering4 ,and indeed ,i must confess ,i have had enough of this sun2 how it scorches one's bare head6 ,i did not want to look like a foreigner1 so ,i left my hat at home4 ,but the year is at its hottest2 the dog-star1 as you call it1 is burning everything up1 and not leaving a drop of moisture in the air2 and the noonday sun right overhead gives an absolutely intolerable heat4 ,i cannot make out how you at your age1 so far from dripping like me1 never turn a hair2 instead of looking about for some hospitable shade1 you take your sunning quite kindly4 ,so4 ,ah1 ,anacharsis1 these useless toils1 these perpetual clay-baths1 these miseries in the sand and the open air1 are prophylactics against the sun's rays2 we need no hats to ward off his shafts4 ,but come along4 ,and you are not to regard me as an authority whose statements are to be accepted as matter of faith2 wherever you think ,i have not made out my case1 you are to contradict me at once and get the thing straight4 ,so we shall stand to win2 either you1 after relieving your mind of all objections that strike you1 will reach a firm conviction1 or1 failing that1 ,i shall have found out my mistake4 ,and in the latter case1 ,athens will owe you a debt that she cannot be too quick to acknowledge2 for your instructions and corrections of my ideas will redound to her advantage4 ,i shall keep nothing back2 ,i shall produce it all in public1 stand up in the assembly and say3 ,men of ,athens1 ,i drew up for you such laws as ,i thought would most advantage you2 but this stranger--and at that word ,i point to you1 ,anacharsis--this stranger from ,scythia has been wise enough to show me my mistake and teach me better ways4 ,let his name be inscribed as your benefactor's2 set him up in bronze beside your name-,gods1 or by ,athene on the citadel4 ,and be assured that ,athens will not be ashamed to learn what is for her good from a barbarian and an alien4 ,an4 ,ah1 now ,i have a specimen of that ,attic irony which ,i have so often heard of4 ,i am an unsettled wanderer who lives on his cart and goes from land to land1 who has never dwelt in a city1 nor even seen one till now2 how should ,i lay down a constitution1 or give lessons to a people that is one with the soil it lives on ,footnote3 ,see ,athenians in ,notes41 and for all these ages has enjoyed the blessings of perfect order in this ancient city8 ,how1 above all1 instruct that ,solon whose native gift all men say it is to know how a state may best be governed1 and what laws will bring it happiness8 ,nevertheless1 you shall be my legislator too2 ,i will contradict you1 where ,i think you wrong1 for my own better instruction4 ,and here we are1 safely covered from the sun's pursuit1 and this cool stone invites us to take our ease4 ,start now and give me your reasons4 ,why seize upon the rising generation so young1 and subject them to such toils8 ,how do you develop perfect virtue out of clay and training8 ,what is the exact contribution to it of dust and summersaults8 ,that and that only is my first curiosity4 ,all the rest you shall give me by degrees as occasion rises later4 ,but1 ,solon1 one thing you must bear in mind3 you are talking to a barbarian4 ,what ,i mean is1 you must be simple1 and brief2 ,i am afraid ,i shall forget the beginning1 if a very abundant flow follows4 ,so4 ,why1 you had better work the sluice yourself1 whenever the word-stream is either turbid or diverging into a wrong channel4 ,as for mere continuance1 you can cut that up by questions4 ,however1 so long as what ,i have to say is not irrelevant1 ,i do not know that length matters4 ,there is an ancient procedure in the ,areopagus1 our murder court4 ,when the members have ascended the hill1 and taken their seats to decide a case of murder or deliberate maiming or arson1 each side is allowed to address the court in turn1 prosecution and defence being conducted either by the principals or by counsel4 ,as long as they speak to the matter in hand1 the court listens silently and patiently4 ,but if either prefaces his speech with an appeal to its benevolence1 or attempts to stir its compassion or indignation by irrelevant considerations --and the legal profession have numberless ways of playing upon juries--1 the usher at once comes up and silences him4 ,the court is not to be trifled with or have its food disguised with condiments1 but to be shown the bare facts4 ,now1 ,anacharsis1 ,i hereby create you a temporary ,areopagite2 you shall hear me according to that court's practice1 and silence me if you find me cajoling you2 but as long as ,i keep to the point1 ,i may speak at large4 ,for there is no sun here to make length a burden to you2 we have plenty of shade and plenty of time4 ,an4 ,that sounds reasonable4 ,and ,i take it very kindly that you should have given me this incidental view of the proceedings on the ,areopagus2 they are very remarkable1 quite a pattern of the way a judicial decision should be arrived at4 ,let your speech be regulated accordingly1 and the ,areopagite of your appointment shall listen as his office requires4 ,so4 ,well1 ,i must start with a brief preliminary statement of our views upon city and citizens4 ,a city in our conception is not the buildings--walls1 temples1 docks1 and so forth2 these are no more than the local habitation that provides the members of the community with shelter and safety2 it is in the citizens that we find the root of the matter2 they it is that replenish and organize and achieve and guard1 corresponding in the city to the soul in man4 ,holding this view1 we are not indifferent1 as you see1 to our city's body2 that we adorn with all the beauty we can impart to it2 it is provided with internal buildings1 and fenced as securely as may be with external walls4 ,but our first1 our engrossing preoccupation is to make our citizens noble of spirit and strong of body4 ,so they will in peace time make the most of themselves and their political unity1 while in war they will bring their city through safe with its freedom and well-being unimpaired4 ,their early breeding we leave to their mothers1 nurses1 and tutors1 who are to rear them in the elements of a liberal education4 ,but as soon as they attain to a knowledge of good and evil1 when reverence and shame and fear and ambition spring up in them1 when their bodies begin to set and strengthen and be equal to toil1 then we take them over1 and appoint them both a course of mental instruction and discipline1 and one of bodily endurance4 ,we are not satisfied with mere spontaneous development either for body or soul2 we think that the addition of systematic teaching will improve the gifted and reform the inferior4 ,we conform our practice to that of the farmer1 who shelters and fences his plants while they are yet small and tender1 to protect them from the winds1 but1 as soon as the shoot has gathered substance1 prunes it and lets the winds beat upon it and knock it about1 and makes it thereby the more fruitful4 ,we first kindle their minds with music and arithmetic1 teach them to write and to read with expression4 ,then1 as they get on1 we versify1 for the better impressing their memories1 the sayings of wise men1 the deeds of old time1 or moral tales4 ,and as they hear of worship won and works that live in song1 they yearn ever more1 and are fired to emulation1 that they too may be sung and marvelled at by them that come after1 and have their ,hesiod and their ,homer4 ,and when they attain their civil rights1 and it is time for them to take their share in governing--but all this1 it may be1 is irrelevant4 ,my subject was not how we train their souls1 but why we think fit to subject them to the toils we do4 ,i will silence myself without waiting for the usher1 or for you1 my ,areopagite1 who have been too considerate1 methinks1 in letting me maunder on out of bounds all this way4 ,an4 ,another point of ,areopagite procedure1 please1 ,solon4 ,when a speaker passes over essential matters in silence1 has the court no penalty for him8 ,so4 ,why8 ,i do not take you4 ,an4 ,why1 you propose to pass by the question of the soul1 which is the noblest and the most attractive to me1 and discuss the less essential matters of gymnasiums and physical exercise4 ,so4 ,you see1 my dear sir1 ,i have my eye on our original conditions2 ,i do not want to divert the word-stream2 it might confuse your memory with its irregular flow4 ,however1 ,i will do what ,i can in the way of a mere summary for this branch of the subject2 as for a detailed examination of it1 that must be deferred4 ,well1 we regulate their sentiments partly by teaching them the laws of the land1 which are inscribed in large letters and exposed at the public expense for all to read1 enjoining certain acts and forbidding others1 and partly by making them attend good men1 who teach them to speak with propriety1 act with justice1 content themselves with political equality1 eschew evil1 ensue good1 and abstain from violence2 sophist and philosopher are the names by which these teachers are known4 ,moreover1 we pay for their admission to the theatre1 where the contemplation of ancient heroes and villains in tragedy or comedy has its educational effect of warning or encouragement4 ,to the comic writers we further give the licence of mockery and invective against any of their fellow citizens whose conduct they find discreditable2 such exposure may act both directly upon the culprits1 and upon others by way of example4 ,an4 ,ah1 ,i have seen the tragedians and comedians you speak of1 at least if the former are men in heavy stilted shoes1 and clothes all picked out with gold bands2 they have absurd head- pieces with vast open mouths1 from inside which comes an enormous voice1 while they take great strides which it seems to me must be dangerous in those shoes4 ,i think there was a festival to ,dionysus going on at the time4 ,then the comedians are shorter1 go on their own feet1 are more human1 and smaller-voiced2 but their head-pieces are still more ridiculous1 so much so that the audience was laughing at them like one man4 ,but to the others1 the tall ones1 every one listened with a dismal face2 ,i suppose they were sorry for them1 having to drag about those great clogs4 ,so4 ,oh no1 it was not for the actors that they were sorry4 ,the poet was probably setting forth some sad tale of long ago1 with fine speeches that appealed to the audience's feelings and drew tears from them4 ,i dare say you observed also some flute-players1 with other persons who stood in a circle and sang in chorus4 ,these too are things that have their uses4 ,well1 our youths' souls are made susceptible and developed by these and similar influences4 ,then their bodily training1 to which your curiosity was especially directed1 is as follows4 ,when their first pithless tenderness is past1 we strip them and aim at hardening them to the temperature of the various seasons1 till heat does not incommode nor frost paralyse them4 ,then we anoint them with oil by way of softening them into suppleness4 ,it would be absurd that leather1 dead stuff as it is1 should be made tougher and more lasting by being softened with oil1 and the living body get no advantage from the same process4 ,accordingly we devise elaborate gymnastic exercises1 appoint instructors of each variety1 and teach one boxing1 another the pancratium4 ,they are to be habituated to endurance1 to meet blows half way1 and never shrink from a wound4 ,this method works two admirable effects in them3 makes them spirited and heedless of bodily danger1 and at the same time strong and enduring4 ,those whom you saw lowering their heads and wrestling learn to fall safely and pick themselves up lightly1 to shove and grapple and twist1 to endure throttling1 and to heave an adversary off his legs4 ,their acquirements are not unserviceable either2 the one great thing they gain is beyond dispute2 their bodies are hardened and strengthened by this rough treatment4 ,add another advantage of some importance3 it is all so much practice against the day of battle4 ,obviously a man thus trained1 when he meets a real enemy1 will grapple and throw him the quicker1 or if he falls will know better how to get up again4 ,all through we are reckoning with that real test in arms2 we expect much better results from our material if we supple and exercise their bodies before the armour goes on1 so increasing their strength and efficiency1 making them light and wiry in themselves 7though the enemy will rather be impressed with their weight74 ,you see how it will act4 ,something may surely be expected from those in arms who even without them would be considered awkward customers2 they show no inert pasty masses of flesh1 no cadaverous skinniness1 they are not shade-blighted women2 they do not quiver and run with sweat at the least exertion1 and pant under their helmets as soon as a midday sun like this adds to the burden4 ,what would be the use of creatures who should be overpowered by thirst and dust1 unnerved at sight of blood1 and as good as dead before they came within bow-shot or spear-thrust of the enemy8 ,but our fellows are ruddy and sunburnt and steady-eyed1 there is spirit and fire and virility in their looks1 they are in prime condition1 neither shrunken and withered nor running to corpulence1 but well and truly proportioned2 the waste superfluity of their tissues they have sweated out2 the stuff that gives strength and activity1 purged from all inferior admixture1 remains part of their substance4 ,the winnowing fan has its counterpart in our gymnastics1 which blow away chaff and husks1 and sift and collect the clean grain4 ,the inevitable result is sound health and great capacity of enduring fatigue4 ,a man like this does not sweat for a trifle1 and seldom shows signs of distress4 ,returning to my winnowing simile-- if you were to set fire on the one hand to pure wheat grain1 and on the other to its chaff and straw1 the latter would surely blaze up much the quicker2 the grain would burn only gradually1 without a blaze and not all at once2 it would smoulder slowly and take much longer to consume4 ,well1 disease or fatigue being similarly applied to this sort of body will not easily find weak spots1 nor get the mastery of it lightly4 ,its interior is in good order1 its exterior strongly fortified against such assaults1 so that it gives neither admission nor entertainment to the destroying agencies of sun or frost4 ,to any place that begins to weaken under toil comes an accession from the abundant internal heat collected and stored up against the day of need2 it fills the vacancy1 restores the vital force1 and lengthens endurance to the utmost4 ,past exertion means not dissipation but increase of force1 which can be fanned into fresh life4 ,further1 we accustom them to running1 both of the long distance and of the sprinting kind4 ,and they have to run not on hard ground with a good footing1 but in deep sand on which you can neither tread firmly nor get a good push off1 the foot sinking in4 ,then1 to fit them to leap a trench or other obstacle1 we make them practise with leaden dumb-bells in their hands4 ,and again there are distance matches with the javelin4 ,yes1 and you saw in the gymnasium a bronze disk like a small buckler1 but without handle or straps2 you tried it as it lay there1 and found it heavy and1 owing to its smooth surface1 hard to handle4 ,well1 that they hurl upwards and forwards1 trying who can get furthest and outdo his competitors--an exercise that strengthens the shoulders and braces the fingers and toes4 ,as to the clay and dust that first moved your laughter1 ,i will tell you now why they are provided4 ,in the first place1 that a fall may be not on a hard surface1 but soft and safe4 ,secondly1 greater slipperiness is secured by sweat and clay combined 7you compared them to eels1 you remember72 now this is neither useless nor absurd1 but contributes appreciably to strength and activity4 ,an adversary in that condition must be gripped tightly enough to baffle his attempts at escape4 ,to lift up a man who is all over clay1 sweat1 and oil1 and who is doing his very best to get away and slip through your fingers1 is no light task1 ,i assure you4 ,and ,i repeat that all these things have their military uses too3 you may want to take up a wounded friend and convey him out of danger2 you may want to heave an enemy over your head and make off with him4 ,so we give them still harder tasks in training1 that they may be abundantly equal to the less4 ,the function we assign to dust is just the reverse1 to prevent one who is gripped from getting loose4 ,after learning in the clay to retain their hold on the elusive1 they are accustomed in turn to escape themselves even from a firm grasp4 ,also1 we believe the dust forms a plaster that keeps in excessive sweat1 prevents waste of power1 and obviates the ill effects of the wind playing upon a body when its pores are all relaxed and open4 ,besides which1 it cleanses the skin and makes it glossy4 ,i should like to put side by side one of the white creatures who live sheltered lives and1 after washing off his dust and clay1 any of the ,lyceum frequenters you should select1 and then ask you which you would rather resemble4 ,i know you would make your choice at the first glance1 without waiting to see what they could do2 you would rather be solid and well-knit than delicate and soft and white for want of the blood that had hidden itself away out of sight4 ,such are the exercises we prescribe to our young men1 ,anacharsis2 we look to find them good guardians of their country and bulwarks of our freedom2 thus we defeat our enemies if they invade us1 and so far overawe our immediate neighbours that they mostly acknowledge our supremacy and pay us tribute4 ,during peace also we find our account in their being free from vulgar ambitions and from the insolence generated by idleness2 they have these things to fill their lives and occupy their leisure4 ,i told you of a prize that all may win and of a supreme political happiness2 these are attained when we find our youth in the highest condition alike for peace and war1 intent upon all that is noblest4 ,an4 ,i see1 ,solon2 when an enemy invades1 you anoint yourselves with oil1 dust yourselves over1 and go forth sparring at them2 then they of course cower before you and run away1 afraid of getting a handful of your sand in their open mouths1 or of your dancing round to get behind them1 twining your legs tight round their bellies1 and throttling them with your elbows rammed well in under their chin-pieces4 ,it is true they will try the effect of arrows and javelins2 but you are so sunburnt and full-blooded1 the missiles will hurt you no more than if you were statues2 you are not chaff and husks2 you will not be readily disposed of by the blows you get2 much time and attention will be required before you at last1 cut to pieces with deep wounds1 have a few drops of blood extracted from you4 ,have ,i misunderstood your figure1 or is this a fair deduction from it8 ,but perhaps you will take the equipment of your tragedians and comedians1 and when you get your marching orders put on those wide- mouthed headpieces1 to scare the foe with their appalling terrors2 of course1 and you can put the stilted things on your feet2 they will be light for running away 7if that should be advisable71 or1 if you are in pursuit1 the strides they lend themselves to will make your enemy's escape impossible4 ,seriously now1 are not these refinements of yours all child's play--something for your idle1 slack youngsters to do8 ,if you really want to be free and happy1 you must have other exercises than these2 your training must be a genuine martial one2 no toy contests with friends1 but real ones with enemies2 danger must be an element in your character- development4 ,never mind dust and oil2 teach them to use bow and javelin2 and none of your light darts diverted by a puff of wind2 let it be a ponderous spear that whistles as it flies2 to which add stones1 a handful each1 the axe1 the shield1 the breastplate1 and the helmet4 ,on your present system1 ,i cannot help thinking you should be very grateful to some ,god for not having allowed you to perish under the attack of any half-armed band4 ,why1 if ,i were to draw this little dagger at my girdle and run amuck at your collective youth1 ,i could take the gymnasium without more ado2 they would all run away and not dare face the cold steel2 they would skip round the statues1 hide behind pillars1 and whimper and quake till ,i laughed again4 ,we should have no more of the ruddy frames they now display2 they would be another colour then1 all white with terror4 ,that is the temper that deep peace has infused into you2 you could not endure the sight of a single plume on an enemy's crest4 ,so4 ,ah1 ,anacharsis1 the ,thracians who invaded us with ,eumolpus told another tale2 so did your women who assailed ,athens with ,hippolyta2 so every one who has met us in the field4 ,my dear sir1 it does not follow from our exercising our youths without arms that we expose them in the same condition to the real thing2 the independent bodily development once complete1 training in arms follows2 and to this they come much the fitter for their previous work4 ,an4 ,where is your military gymnasium1 then8 ,i have been all over ,athens1 and seen no sign of it4 ,so4 ,but if you stay longer you will find that every man has arms enough1 for use at the proper time2 you will see our plumes and horse-trappings1 our horses and horsemen2 these last amounting to a quarter of our citizens4 ,but to carry arms and be girded with scimetars we consider unnecessary in peace time2 indeed there is a fine for going armed in town without due cause1 or producing weapons in public4 ,you of course may be pardoned for living in arms4 ,the want of walls gives conspiracy its chance2 you have many enemies2 you never know when somebody may come upon you in your sleep1 pull you out of your cart1 and dispatch you4 ,and then1 in the mutual distrust inseparable from an independence that recognizes no law or constitution1 the sword must be always at hand to repel violence4 ,an4 ,oho1 you think the wearing of arms1 except on occasion1 unnecessary2 you are careful of your weapons1 avoid wear and tear for them1 and put them away for use when the time comes2 but the bodies of your youth you keep at work even when no danger presses2 you knock them about and dissolve them in sweat2 instead of husbanding their strength for the day of need1 you expend it idly on clay and dust4 ,how is that8 ,so4 ,i fancy you conceive of force as something similar to wine or water or liquid of some sort4 ,you are afraid of its dribbling away in exercise as those might from an earthenware jar1 and by its disappearance leaving the body1 which is supposed to have no internal reserves1 empty and dry4 ,that is not the case2 the greater the drain upon it in the course of exercise1 the greater the supply2 did you ever hear a story about the ,hydra8 cut off one of its heads1 and two immediately sprang up in its place4 ,no1 it is the unexercised and fibreless1 in whom no adequate store of material has ever been laid up1 that will peak and pine under toil4 ,there is a similar difference between a fire and a lamp2 the same breath that kindles the former and soon excites it to greater heat will put out the latter1 which is but ill provided to resist the blast2 it has a precarious tenure1 you see4 ,an4 ,ah1 ,i cannot get hold of all that1 ,solon2 it is too subtle for me--wants exact thought and keen intelligence4 ,but ,i wish you would tell me--at the ,olympic1 ,isthmian1 ,pythian1 and other ,games1 attended1 you tell me1 by crowds to see your youth contend1 why do you have no martial events8 ,instead1 you put them in a conspicuous place and exhibit them kicking and cuffing one another1 and when they win give them apples or wild olive4 ,now your reason for that would be worth hearing4 ,so4 ,well1 we think it will increase their keenness for exercise to see the champions at it honoured and proclaimed by name among the assembled ,greeks4 ,it is the thought of having to strip before such a crowd that makes them take pains with their condition2 they do not want to be a shameful spectacle1 so each does his best to deserve success4 ,and the prizes1 as ,i said before1 are not small things--to be applauded by the spectators1 to be the mark of all eyes and fingers as the best of one's contemporaries4 ,accordingly1 numbers of spectators1 not too old for training1 depart with a passion thus engendered for toilsome excellence4 ,ah1 ,anacharsis1 if the love of fair fame were to be wiped out of our lives1 what good would remain8 ,who would care to do a glorious deed8 ,but as things are you may form your conclusions from what you see4 ,these who are so keen for victory when they have no weapons and only a sprig of wild olive or an apple to contend for1 how would they behave in martial array1 with country and wives and children and altars at stake8 ,i wonder what your feelings would be if you saw our quail and cock fights1 and the excitement they raise4 ,you would laugh1 no doubt1 especially when you were told that they are enjoined by law1 and that all of military age must attend and watch how the birds spar till they are utterly exhausted4 ,and yet it is not a thing to laugh at either2 a spirit of contempt for danger is thus instilled into men's souls2 shall they yield to cocks in nobility and courage8 shall they let wounds or weariness or discomfort incapacitate them before there is need8 ,but as for testing our men in arms and looking on while they gash one another1 no1 thank you6 that would be brutality and savagery1 besides the bad policy of butchering our bravest1 who would serve us best against our enemies4 ,you say you are going to visit the rest of ,greece also4 ,well1 if you go to ,sparta1 remember not to laugh at them either1 nor think their labour is all in vain1 when they charge and strike one another over a ball in the theatre2 or perhaps they will go into a place enclosed by water1 divide into two troops1 and handle one another as severely as enemies 7except that they too have no arms71 until the ,lycurgites drive the ,heraclids1 or vice versa1 out of the enclosure and into the water2 it is all over then2 not another blow breaks the peace4 ,still worse1 you may see them being scourged at the altar1 streaming with blood1 while their parents look on--the mothers1 far from being distressed by the sight1 actually making them hold out with threats1 imploring them to endure pain to the last extremity and not be unmanned by suffering4 ,there are many instances of their dying under the trial2 while they had life and their people's eyes were on them1 they would not give up1 nor concede anything to bodily pain2 and you will find their statues there1 set up honoris causa by the ,spartan state4 ,seeing these things1 never take them for madmen1 nor say that1 since it is neither a tyrant's bidding nor a conqueror's ordinance1 they victimize themselves for no good reason4 ,lycurgus their lawgiver would have many reasonable remarks to make to you on the subject1 and give you his grounds for thus afflicting them2 he was not moved by enmity or hatred2 he was not wasting the state's young blood for nothing2 he only thought it proper that defenders of their country should have endurance in the highest degree and be entirely superior to fear4 ,however1 you need no ,lycurgus to tell you2 you can surely see for yourself that1 if one of these men were captured in war1 no tortures would wring a ,spartan secret out of him2 he would take his scourging with a smile1 and try whether the scourger would not be tired sooner than the scourged4 ,an4 ,solon1 did ,lycurgus take his whippings at the fighting age1 or did he make these spirited regulations on the safe basis of superannuation8 ,so4 ,it was in his old age1 after returning from ,crete1 that he legislated4 ,he had been attracted to ,crete by hearing that their laws were the best possible1 devised by ,minos1 son of ,zeus4 ,an4 ,well1 and why did you not copy ,lycurgus and whip your young men8 ,it is a fine institution quite worthy of yourselves4 ,so4 ,oh1 we were content with our native exercises2 we are not much given to imitating other nations4 ,an4 ,no1 no2 you realize what a thing it is to be stripped and scourged with one's hands up1 without benefit to oneself or one's country4 ,if ,i do happen to be at ,sparta when this performance is on1 ,i shall expect a public stoning at their hands for laughing at it all1 when ,i see them being whipped like robbers or thieves or such malefactors4 ,really1 ,i think a state that submits to such ridiculous treatment at its own hands wants a dose of hellebore4 ,so4 ,friend1 do not plume yourself on winning an undefended case where you have it all your own way in the absence of your opponents4 ,in ,sparta you will find some one to plead properly for their customs4 ,but now1 as ,i have described ours to you1 not apparently to your satisfaction1 ,i may fairly ask you to take your turn and tell me how you train your youth in ,scythia2 what exercises do you bring them up in8 how do you make good men of them8 ,an4 ,quite a fair demand1 ,solon2 ,i will give you the ,scythian customs2 there is no grandeur about them2 they are not much like yours2 for we would never take a single box on the ears1 we are such cowards2 but such as they are1 you shall have them4 ,we must put off our talk till to-morrow1 though1 if you do not mind2 ,i want to think quietly over what you have said1 and collect materials for what ,i am to say myself4 ,on that understanding let us go home2 for it is getting late4 ,,of ,,mourning ,the behaviour of the average man in a time of bereavement1 his own language and the remarks offered him by way of consolation1 are things that will reward the attention of a curious observer4 ,the mourner takes it for granted that a terrible blow has fallen both upon himself and upon the object of his lamentations3 yet for all he knows to the contrary 7and here ,i appeal to ,pluto and ,persephone7 the departed one1 so far from being entitled to commiseration1 may find himself in improved circumstances4 ,the feelings of the bereaved party are in fact guided solely by custom and convention4 ,the procedure in such cases--but no3 let me first state the popular beliefs on the subject of death itself2 we shall then understand the motives for the elaborate ceremonial with which it is attended4 ,the vulgar 7as philosophers call the generality of mankind71 implicitly taking as their text-book the fictions of ,homer and ,hesiod and other poets1 assume the existence of a deep subterranean hole called ,hades2 spacious1 murky1 and sunless1 but by some mysterious means sufficiently lighted to render all its details visible4 ,its king is a brother of ,zeus1 one ,pluto2 whose name--so an able philologer assures me--contains a complimentary allusion to his ghostly wealth4 ,as to the nature of his government1 and the condition of his subjects1 the authority allotted to him extends over all the dead1 who1 from the moment that they come under his control1 are kept in unbreakable fetters2 ,shades are on no account permitted to return to ,earth2 to this rule there have been only two or three exceptions since the beginning of the world1 and these were made for very urgent reasons4 ,his realm is encompassed by vast rivers1 whose very names inspire awe3 ,cocytus1 ,pyriphlegethon1 and the like4 ,most formidable of all1 and first to arrest the progress of the new-comer1 is ,acheron1 that lake which none may pass save by the ferryman's boat2 it is too deep to be waded1 too broad for the swimmer1 and even defies the flight of birds deceased4 ,at the very beginning of the descent is a gate of adamant3 here ,aeacus1 a nephew of the king1 stands on guard4 ,by his side is a three-headed dog1 a grim brute2 to new arrivals1 however1 he is friendly enough1 reserving his bark1 and the yawning horror of his jaws1 for the would-be runaway4 ,on the inner shore of the lake is a meadow1 wherein grows asphodel2 here1 too1 is the fountain that makes war on memory1 and is hence called ,lethe4 ,all these particulars the ancients would doubtless obtain from the ,thessalian queen ,alcestis and her fellow-countryman ,protesilaus1 from ,theseus the son of ,aegeus1 and from the hero of the ,odyssey4 ,these witnesses 7whose evidence is entitled to our most respectful acceptance7 did not1 as ,i gather1 drink of the waters of ,lethe2 because then they would not have remembered4 ,according to them1 the supreme power is entirely in the hands of ,pluto and ,persephone1 who1 however1 are assisted in the labours of government by a host of underlings3 such are the ,furies1 the ,pains1 the ,fears2 such too is ,hermes1 though he is not always in attendance4 ,judicial powers are vested in two satraps or viceroys1 ,minos and ,rhadamanthus1 both ,cretans1 and both sons of ,zeus4 ,by them all good and just men who have followed the precepts of virtue are sent off in large detachments to form colonies1 as it were1 in the ,elysian ,plain1 and there to lead the perfect life4 ,evil-doers1 on the contrary1 are handed over to the ,furies1 who conduct them to the place of the wicked1 where they are punished in due proportion to their iniquities4 ,what a variety of torments is there presented6 ,the rack1 the fire1 the gnawing vulture2 here ,ixion spins upon his wheel1 there ,sisyphus rolls his stone4 ,i have not forgotten ,tantalus2 but he stands elsewhere1 stands parched on the ,lake's very brink1 like to die of thirst1 poor wretch6 ,then there is the numerous class of neutral characters2 these wander about the meadow2 formless phantoms1 that evade the touch like smoke4 ,it seems that they depend for their nourishment upon the libations and victims offered by us upon their tombs2 accordingly1 a ,shade who has no surviving friends or relations passes a hungry time of it in the lower world4 ,so profoundly have the common people been impressed with these doctrines that1 when a man dies1 the first act of his relations is to put a penny into his mouth1 that he may have wherewithal to pay the ferryman3 they do not stop to inquire what is the local currency1 whether ,attic or ,macedonian or ,aeginetan2 nor does it occur to them how much better it would be for the departed one if the fare were not forthcoming1--because then the ferryman would decline to take him1 and he would be sent back into the living world4 ,lest the ,stygian ,lake should prove inadequate to the requirements of ghostly toilets1 the corpse is next washed1 anointed with the choicest unguents to arrest the progress of decay1 crowned with fresh flowers1 and laid out in sumptuous raiment2 an obvious precaution1 this last2 it would not do for the deceased to take a chill on the journey1 nor to exhibit himself to ,cerberus with nothing on4 ,lamentation follows4 ,the women wail2 men and women alike weep and beat their breasts and rend their hair and lacerate their cheeks2 clothes are also torn on the occasion1 and dust sprinkled on the head4 ,the survivors are thus reduced to a more pitiable condition than the deceased3 while they in all probability are rolling about and dashing their heads on the ground1 he1 bravely attired and gloriously garlanded1 reposes gracefully upon his lofty bier1 adorned as it were for some pageant4 ,the mother--nay1 it is the father1 as likely as not1--now advances from among the relatives1 falls upon the bier 7to heighten the dramatic effect1 we will suppose its occupant to be young and handsome71 and utters wild and meaningless ejaculations2 the corpse cannot speak1 otherwise it might have something to say in reply4 ,his son--the father exclaims1 with a mournful emphasis on every word1--his beloved son is no more2 he is gone2 torn away before his hour was come1 leaving him alone to mourn2 he has never married1 never begotten children1 never been on the field of battle1 never laid hand to the plough1 never reached old age2 never again will he make merry1 never again know the joys of love1 never1 alas6 tipple at the convivial board among his comrades4 ,and so on1 and so on4 ,he imagines his son to be still coveting these things1 and coveting them in vain4 ,but this is nothing3 time after time men have been known to slaughter horses upon the tomb1 and concubines and pages2 to burn clothes and other finery1 or bury it1 in the idea that the deceased will find a profitable use for such things in the lower world4 ,now the afflicted senior1 in delivering the tragic utterances ,i have suggested above1 and others of the same kind1 is not1 as ,i understand it1 consulting the interests of his son 7who he knows will not hear him1 though he shout louder than ,stentor71 nor yet his own2 he is perfectly aware of his sentiments1 and has no occasion to bellow them into his own ear4 ,the natural conclusion is1 that this tomfoolery is for the benefit of the spectators2 and all the time he has not an idea where his son is1 or what may be his condition2 he cannot even have reflected upon human life generally1 or he would know that the loss of it is no such great matter4 ,let us imagine that the son has obtained leave from ,aeacus and ,pluto to take a peep into the daylight1 and put a stop to these parental maunderings4 #8,confound it1 sir1' he might exclaim1 #8what is the noise about8 ,you bore me4 ,enough of hair-plucking and face- scratching4 ,when you call me an ill-fated wretch1 you abuse a better man than yourself1 and a more fortunate4 ,why are you so sorry for me8 ,is it because ,i am not a bald1 bent1 wrinkled old cripple like yourself8 ,is it because ,i have not lived to be a battered wreck1 nor seen a thousand moons wax and wane1 only to make a fool of myself at the last before a crowd8 ,can your sapience point to any single convenience of life1 of which we are deprived in the lower world8 ,i know what you will say3 clothes and good dinners1 wine and women1 without which you think ,i shall be inconsolable4 ,are you now to learn that freedom from hunger and thirst is better than meat and drink1 and insensibility to cold better than plenty of clothes8 ,come1 ,i see you need enlightenment2 ,i will show you how lamentation ought to be done4 ,make a fresh start1 thus3 ,alas1 my son6 ,hunger and thirst and cold are his no longer6 ,he is gone1 gone beyond the reach of sickness2 he fears not fever any more1 nor enemies nor tyrants4 ,never again1 my son1 shall love disturb your peace1 impair your health1 make hourly inroads on your purse2 oh1 heavy change6 ,never can you reach contemptible old age1 never be an eyesore to your juniors6--,confess1 now1 that my lamentation has the advantage of yours1 in veracity1 as in absurdity4 #8,perhaps it is the pitchy darkness of the infernal regions that runs in your head8 is that the trouble8 ,are you afraid ,i shall be suffocated in the confinement of the tomb8 ,you should reflect that my eyes will presently decay1 or 7if such is your good pleasure7 be consumed with fire2 after which ,i shall have no occasion to notice either light or darkness4 ,however1 let that pass4 ,but all this lamentation1 now2 this fluting and beating of breasts2 these wholly disproportionate wailings3 how am ,i the better for it all8 ,and what do ,i want with a garlanded column over my grave8 ,and what good do you suppose you are going to do by pouring wine on it8 do you expect it to filter through all the way to ,hades8 ,as to the victims1 you must surely see for yourselves that all the solid nutriment is whisked away heavenwards in the form of smoke1 leaving us ,shades precisely as we were2 the residue1 being dust1 is useless2 or is it your theory that ,shades batten on ashes8 ,pluto's realm is not so barren1 nor asphodel so scarce with us1 that we must apply to you for provisions4--,what with this winding-sheet and these woollen bandages1 my jaws have been effectually sealed up1 or1 by ,tisiphone1 ,i should have burst out laughing long before this at the stuff you talk and the things you do4' ,and at the word ,death sealed his lips for ever4 ,thus far our corpse1 leaning on one side1 supported on an elbow4 ,can we doubt that he is in the right of it8 ,and yet these simpletons1 not content with their own noise1 must call in professional assistance3 an artist in grief1 with a fine repertoire of cut-and-dried sorrows at his command1 assumes the direction of this inane choir1 and supplies a theme for their woful acclamations4 ,so far1 all men are fools alike3 but at this point national peculiarities make their appearance4 ,the ,greeks burn their dead1 the ,persians bury them2 the ,indian glazes the body1 the ,scythian eats it1 the ,egyptian embalms it4 ,in ,egypt1 indeed1 the corpse1 duly dried1 is actually placed at table1--,i have seen it done2 and it is quite a common thing for an ,egyptian to relieve himself from pecuniary embarrassment by a timely visit to the pawnbroker1 with his brother or father deceased4 ,the childish futility of pyramids and mounds and columns1 with their short-lived inscriptions1 is obvious4 ,but some people go further1 and attempt to plead the cause of the deceased with his infernal judges1 or testify to his merits1 by means of funeral games and laudatory epitaphs4 ,the final absurdity is the funeral feast1 at which the assembled relatives strive to console the parents1 and to prevail upon them to take food2 and1 ,heaven knows1 they are willing enough to be persuaded1 being almost prostrated by a three days' fast4 #8,how long is this to go on8' some one expostulates4 #8,suffer the spirit of your departed saint to rest in peace4 ,or if mourn you will1 then for that very reason you must eat1 that your strength may be proportioned to your grief4' ,at this point1 a couple of lines of ,homer go the round of the company3 ,ev'n fair-haired ,niobe forgat not food1 and ,not fasting mourn th' ,achaeans for their dead4 ,the parents are persuaded1 though they go to work at first in a somewhat shamefaced manner2 they do not want it to be thought that after their bereavement they are still subject to the infirmities of the flesh4 ,such are some of the absurdities that may be observed in mourners2 for ,i have by no means exhausted the list4 ,and all springs from the vulgar error1 that ,death is the worst thing that can befall a man4 ,,the ,,rhetorician',s ,,vade ,,mecum ,see note at end of piece4 ,you ask1 young man1 how you may become a rhetorician1 and win yourself the imposing and reverend style of ,professor4 ,you tell me life is for you not worth living1 if you cannot clothe yourself in that power of the word which shall make you invincible and irresistible1 the cynosure of all men's admiration1 the desired of all ,grecian ears4 ,your one wish is to be shown the way to that goal4 ,and small blame1 youngster1 to one who in the days of his youth sets his gaze upon the things that are highest1 and knowing not how he shall attain1 comes as you now come to me with the privileged demand for counsel4 ,take then the best of it that ,i can give1 doubting nothing but you shall speedily be a man accomplished to see the right and to give it expression1 if you will henceforth abide by what you now hear from me1 practise it with assiduity1 and go confidently on your way till it brings you to the desired end4 ,the object of your pursuit is no poor one1 worth but a moderate endeavour2 to grasp it you might be content to toil and watch and endure to the utmost2 mark how many they are who once were but cyphers1 but whom words have raised to fame and opulence1 ay1 and to noble lineage4 ,yet fear not1 nor be appalled1 when you contemplate the greatness of your aim1 by thought of the thousand toils first to be accomplished4 ,it is by no rough mountainous perspiring track that ,i shall lead you2 else were ,i no better than those other guides who point you to the common way1 long1 steep1 toilsome1 nay1 for the most part desperate4 ,what should commend my counsel to you is even this3 a road most pleasant and most brief1 a carriage road of downward slope1 shall bring you in all delight and ease1 at what leisurely effortless pace you will1 through flowery meadows and plenteous shade1 to that summit which you shall mount and hold untired and there lie feasting1 the while you survey from your height those panting ones who took the other track2 they are yet in the first stage of their climb1 forcing their slow way amid rough or slippery crags1 with many a headlong fall and many a wound from those sharp rocks4 ,but you will long have been up1 and garlanded and blest2 you have slept1 and waked to find that ,rhetoric has lavished upon you all her gifts at once4 ,fine promises1 these1 are they not8 ,but pray let it not stir your doubts1 that ,i offer to make most easy that which is most sweet4 ,it was but plucking a few leaves from ,helicon1 and the shepherd ,hesiod was a poet1 possessed of the ,muses and singing the birth of ,gods and ,heroes2 and may not a rhetorician 7'tis no such proud title as that of poet7 be quickly made1 if one but knows the speediest way8 ,let me tell you of an idea that came to nothing for want of faith1 and brought no profit to the man it was offered to4 ,alexander had fought ,arbela1 deposed ,darius1 and was lord of ,persia2 his orders had to be conveyed to every part of his empire by dispatch-runners4 ,now from ,persia to ,egypt was a long journey2 to make the necessary circuit round the mountains1 cross ,babylonia into ,arabia1 traverse a great desert1 and so finally reach ,egypt1 took at the best full twenty days4 ,and as ,alexander had intelligence of disturbances in ,egypt1 it was an inconvenience not to be able to send instructions rapidly to his lieutenants there4 ,a ,sidonian trader came to him and offered to shorten the distance3 if a man cut straight across the mountains1 which could be done in three days1 he would be in ,egypt without more ado4 ,this was a fact2 but ,alexander took the man for an impostor1 and would have nothing to say to him4 ,that is the reception any surprisingly good offer may expect from most men4 ,be not like them4 ,a trial will soon show you that you may fly over the mountains from ,persia to ,egypt1 and in a day1 in part of a day1 take rank as rhetorician4 ,but first ,i will be your ,cebes and give you word-pictures of the two different ways leading to that ,rhetoric1 with which ,i see you so in love4 ,imagine her seated on a height1 fair and comely2 her right hand holds an ,amalthea's horn heaped high with all fruits1 and at her other side you are to see ,wealth standing in all his golden glamour4 ,in attendance too are ,repute and ,might2 and all about your lady's person flutter and cling embodied ,praises like tiny ,loves4 ,or you may have seen a painted ,nilus2 he reclines himself upon a crocodile or hippopotamus1 with which his stream abounds1 and round him play the tiny children they call in ,egypt his ,cubits2 so play the ,praises about ,rhetoric4 ,add yourself1 the lover1 who long to be straightway at the top1 that you may wed her1 and all that is hers be yours2 for him that weds her she must endow with her worldly goods4 ,when you have reached the mountain1 you at first despair of scaling it2 you seem to have set yourself the task that ,aornus ,footnote3 i4e41 birdless4 presented to the ,macedonians2 how sheer it was on every side6 it was true1 they thought1 even a bird could hardly soar that height2 to take it would be work for a ,dionysus or ,heracles4 ,then in a little while you discern two roads2 or no1 one is no more than a track1 narrow1 thorny1 rough1 promising thirst and sweat4 ,but ,i need say no more of it2 ,hesiod has described it long ago ,the other is broad1 and fringed with flowers and well watered and--not to keep you back with vain repetitions from the prize even now within your grasp--such a road as ,i told you of but now4 ,this much1 however1 ,i must add3 that rough steep way shows not many steps of travellers2 a few there are1 but of ancient date4 ,it was my own ill fortune to go up by it1 expending needless toil2 but ,i could see from far off how level and direct was that other1 though ,i did not use it2 in my young days ,i was perverse1 and put trust in the poet who told me that the ,good is won by toil4 ,he was in error2 ,i see that the many who toil not are more richly rewarded for their fortunate choice of route and method4 ,but the question is now of you2 ,i know that when you come to the parting of the ways you will doubt--you doubt even now--which turn to take4 ,what you must do1 then1 to find the easiest ascent1 and blessedness1 and your bride1 and universal fame1 ,i will tell you4 ,enough that ,i have been cheated into toil2 for you let all grow unsown and unploughed as in the age of gold4 ,a strong severe-looking man will at once come up to you2 he has a firm step1 a deeply sunburnt body1 a decided eye and wide-awake air2 it is the guide of the rough track4 ,this absurd person makes foolish suggestions that you should employ him1 and points you out the footmarks of ,demosthenes1 ,plato1 and others2 they are larger than what we make1 but mostly half obliterated by time2 he tells you you will attain bliss and have ,rhetoric to your lawful wife1 if you stick as closely to these as a rope-walker to his rope2 but diverge for a moment1 make a false step1 or incline your weight too much either way1 and farewell to your path and your bride4 ,he will exhort you to imitate these ancients1 and offer you antiquated models that lend themselves as little to imitation as old sculpture1 say the clean-cut1 sinewy1 hard1 firmly outlined productions of ,hegesias1 or the school of ,critius and ,nesiotes2 and he will tell you that toil and vigilance1 abstinence and perseverance1 are indispensable1 if you would accomplish your journey4 ,most mortifying of all1 the time he will stipulate for is immense1 years upon years2 he does not so much as mention days or months2 whole ,olympiads are his units2 you feel tired at the mere sound of them1 and ready to relinquish the happiness you had set your heart upon4 ,and as if this was not enough1 he wishes to be paid handsomely for your trouble1 and must have a good sum down before he will even put you in the way4 ,so he will talk--a conceited primitive old-world personage2 for models he offers you old masters long dead and done with1 and expects you to exhume rusty speeches as if they were buried treasures2 you are to copy a certain cutler's son ,footnote3 ,demosthenes4 or one who called the clerk ,atrometus father ,footnote3 ,aeschines42 he forgets that we are at peace now1 with no invading ,philip or hectoring ,alexander to give a temporary value to that sort of eloquence2 and he has never heard of our new road to ,rhetoric1 short1 easy1 and direct4 ,let him not prevail with you2 heed not him at all2 in his charge1 if you do not first break your neck1 you will wear yourself into a premature old age4 ,if you are really in love1 and would enjoy ,rhetoric before your prime is past1 and be made much of by her1 dismiss this hairy specimen of ultra- virility1 and leave him to climb by himself or with what dupes he can make1 panting and perspiring to his heart's content4 ,go you to the other road1 where you will find much good company1 but in especial one man4 ,is he clever8 is he engaging8 ,mark the negligent ease of his gait1 his neck's willowy curve1 his languishing glance2 these words are honey1 that breath perfume2 was ever head scratched with so graceful a forefinger8 and those locks --were there but more of them left--how hyacinthine their wavy order6 he is tender as ,sardanapalus or ,cinyras2 'tis ,agathon's self1 loveliest of tragedy-makers4 ,take these traits1 that seeing you may know him2 ,i would not have you miss so divine an apparition1 the darling of ,aphrodite and the ,graces4 ,yet how needless6 were he to come near while your eyes were closed1 and unbar those ,hymettian lips to the voice that dwells within1 you could not want the thought that this was none of us who munch the fruits of earth1 but some spirit from afar that on honeydew hath fed1 and drunk the milk of ,paradise4 ,him seek2 trust yourself to him1 and you shall be in a trice rhetorician and man of note1 and in his own great phrase1 ,king of ,words1 mounted without an effort of your own upon the chariot of discourse4 ,for here is the lore he shall impart to his disciple4 ,but let him describe it himself4 ,for one so eloquent it is absurd that ,i should speak2 my histrionic talent is not equal to so mighty a task2 ,i might trip1 and break the heroic mask in my fall4 ,he thus addresses you1 then1 with a touch of the hand to those scanty curls1 and the usual charming delicate smile2 you might take him-- so engaging is his utterance--for a ,glycera1 a ,malthace1 or her comic and meretricious majesty1 ,thais herself4 ,what has a refined bewitching orator to do with the vulgar masculine8 ,listen now to his modest remarks4 ,dear sir1 was it ,apollo sent you here8 did he call me best of rhetoricians1 as when ,chaerephon asked and was told who was wisest of his generation8 ,if it has not been so1 if you have come directed only by the amazement and applause1 the wonder and despair1 that attend my achievements1 then shall you soon learn whether there is divinity or no in him whom you have sought4 ,look not for a greatness that may find its parallel in this man or that2 a ,tityus1 an ,otus1 an ,ephialtes there may have been2 but here is a portent and a marvel greater far than they4 ,you are to hear a voice that puts to silence all others1 as the trumpet the flute1 as the cicala the bee1 as the choir the tuning-fork4 ,but you wish to be a rhetorician yourself2 well1 you could have applied in no better quarter2 my dear young friend1 you have only to follow my instructions and example1 and keep carefully in mind the rules ,i lay down for your guidance4 ,indeed you may start this moment without a tremor2 never let it disturb you that you have not been through the laborious preliminaries with which the ordinary system besets the path of fools2 they are quite unnecessary4 ,stay not to find your slippers1 as the song has it2 your naked feet will do as well2 writing is a not uncommon accomplishment1 but ,i do not insist upon it2 it is one thing1 and rhetoric is another4 ,i will first give you a list of the equipment and supplies for your journey that you must bring with you from home1 with a view to making your way rapidly4 ,after that1 ,i will show you as we go along some practical illustrations1 add a few verbal precepts1 and before set of sun you shall be as superior a rhetorician as myself1 the absolute microcosm of your profession4 ,bring then above all ignorance1 to which add confidence1 audacity1 and effrontery2 as for diffidence1 equity1 moderation1 and shame1 you will please leave them at home2 they are not merely needless1 they are encumbrances4 ,the loudest voice you can come by1 please1 a ready falsetto1 and a gait modelled on my own4 ,that exhausts the real necessaries2 very often there would be no occasion for anything further4 ,but ,i recommend bright colours or white for your clothes2 the ,tarentine stuff that lets the body show through is best2 for shoes1 wear either the ,attic woman's shape with the open network1 or else the ,sicyonians that show white lining4 ,always have a train of attendants1 and a book in your hand4 ,the rest you will take in with your eyes and ears as we go4 ,i will tell you the rules you must observe1 if ,rhetoric is to recognize and admit you2 otherwise she will turn from you and drive you away as an uninitiated intruder upon her mysteries4 ,you must first be exceedingly careful about your appearance2 your clothes must be quite the thing4 ,next1 you must scrape up some fifteen old ,attic words--say twenty for an outside estimate2 and these you must rehearse diligently till you have them at the tip of your tongue2 let us say sundry1 whereupon1 say you so1 in some wise1 my masters2 that is the sort of thing2 these are for general garnish1 you understand2 and you need not concern yourself about any little dissimilarity1 repulsion1 discord1 between them and the rest2 so long as your upper garment is fair and bright1 what matter if there is coarse serge beneath it8 ,next1 fill your quiver with queer mysterious words used once or twice by the ancients1 ready to be discharged at a moment's notice in conversation4 ,this will attract the attention of the common herd1 who will take you for a wonder1 so much better educated than themselves4 ,put on your clothes8 of course not2 invest yourself4 ,will you sit in the porch1 when there is a parvys to hand8 ,no earnest-money for us2 let it be an arles-penny4 ,and no breakfast-time1 pray1 but undern4 ,you may also do a little word-formation of your own on occasion1 and enact that a person good1 at exposition shall be known as a clarifier1 a sensible one as a cogitant1 or a pantomime as a manuactor4 ,if you commit a blunder or provincialism1 you have only to carry it off boldly with an instant reference to the authority of some poet or historian1 who need not exist or ever have existed2 your phrase has his approval1 and he was a wise man and a past master in language4 ,as for your reading1 leave the ancients alone2 never mind a foolish ,isocrates1 a tasteless ,demosthenes1 a frigid ,plato2 study the works of the last generation2 you will find the declamations1 as they call them1 a plenteous store on which to draw at need4 ,when the time comes for you to perform1 and the audience have proposed subjects and invented cases for discussion1 you should get rid of the difficult ones by calling them trivial1 and complain that there is nothing in this selection that can really test a man's powers4 ,when they have chosen1 do not hesitate a moment1 but start2 the tongue is an unruly member2 do not attempt to rule it2 never care whether your firstly is logics firstly1 or your secondly and thirdly in the right order2 just say what comes2 you may greave your head and helmet your legs1 but whatever you do1 move1 keep going1 never pause4 ,if your subject is assault or adultery in ,athens1 cite the ,indians and ,medes4 ,always have your ,marathon and your ,cynaegirus handy2 they are indispensable4 ,hardly less so are a fleet crossing ,mount ,athos1 an army treading the ,hellespont1 a sun eclipsed by ,persian arrows1 a flying ,xerxes1 an admired ,leonidas1 an inscriptive ,othryades4 ,salamis1 ,artemisium1 and ,plataea1 should also be in constant use4 ,all this dressed as usual with our seasoning-garnish aforesaid--that persuasive flavour of sundry and methinks2 do not wait till these seem to be called for2 they are pretty words1 quite apart from their relevancy4 ,if a fancy for impassioned recitative comes over you1 indulge it as long as you will1 and air your falsetto4 ,if your matter is not of the right poetic sort1 you may consider yourself to have met the requirements if you run over the names of the jury in a rhythmic manner4 ,appeal constantly to the pathetic instinct1 smite your thigh1 mouth your words well1 punctuate with loud sighs1 and let your very back be eloquent as you pace to and fro4 ,if the audience fails to applaud1 take offence1 and give your offence words2 if they get up and prepare to go out in disgust1 tell them to sit down again2 discipline must be maintained4 ,it will win you credit for copiousness1 if you start with the ,trojan ,war--you may if you like go right back to the nuptials of ,deucalion and ,pyrrha--and thence trace your subject down to to-day4 ,people of sense1 remember1 are rare1 and they will probably hold their tongues out of charity2 or if they do comment1 it will be put down to jealousy4 ,the rest are awed by your costume1 your voice1 gait1 motions1 falsetto1 shoes1 and sundry2 when they see how you perspire and pant1 they cannot admit a moment's doubt of your being a very fine rhetorical performer4 ,with them1 your mere rapidity is a miracle quite sufficient to establish your character4 ,never prepare notes1 then1 nor think out a subject beforehand2 that shows one up at once4 ,your friends' feet will be loud on the floor1 in payment for the dinners you give them2 if they observe you in difficulties1 they will come to the rescue1 and give you a chance1 in the relief afforded by rounds of applause1 of thinking how to go on4 ,a devoted claque of your own1 by the way1 is among your requirements4 ,its use while you are performing ,i have given2 and as you walk home afterwards1 discussing the points you made1 you should be absolutely surrounded by them as a bodyguard4 ,if you meet acquaintances on the way1 talk very big about yourself1 put a good value on your merits1 and never mind about their feelings4 ,ask them1 ,where is ,demosthenes now8 ,or wonder which of the ancients comes nearest you4 ,but dear me1 ,i had very nearly passed over the most important and effectual of all aids to reputation3 the pouring of ridicule upon your rivals4 ,if a man has a fine style1 its beauties are borrowed2 if a sober one1 it is bad altogether4 ,when you go to a recitation1 arrive late1 which makes you conspicuous2 and when all are listening intently1 interject some inappropriate commendation that will distract and annoy the audience2 they will be so sickened with your offensive words that they cannot listen4 ,and then do not wave your hand too much--warm approval is rather low2 and as to jumping up1 never do it more than once or twice4 ,a slight smile is your best expression2 make it clear that you do not think much of the thing4 ,only let your ears be critical1 and you are sure of finding plenty to condemn4 ,in fact1 all the qualities needed are easily come by--audacity1 effrontery1 ready lying1 indifference to perjury1 impartial jealousy1 hatred1 abuse1 and skilful slander-- that is all you want to win you speedy credit and renown4 ,so much for your visible public life4 ,and in private you need draw the line at nothing1 gambling1 drink1 fornication1 nor adultery2 the last you should boast of1 whether truly or not2 make no secret of it1 but exhibit your notes from real or imaginary frail ones4 ,one of your aims should be to pass for a pretty fellow1 in much favour with the ladies2 the report will be professionally useful to you1 your influence with the sex being accounted for by your rhetorical eminence4 ,master these instructions1 young man--they are surely simple enough not to overtax your powers--1 and ,i confidently promise that you shall soon be a first-class rhetorician like myself2 after which ,i need not tell you what great and what rapid advancement ,rhetoric will put in your way4 ,you have but to look at me4 ,my father was an obscure person barely above a slave2 he had in fact been one south of ,xois and ,thmuis2 my mother a common sempstress4 ,i was myself not without pretensions to beauty in my youth1 which earned me a bare living from a miserly ill-conditioned admirer2 but ,i discovered this easy short-cut1 made my way to the top--for ,i had1 if ,i may be bold to say it1 all the qualifications ,i told you of1 confidence1 ignorance1 and effrontery--1 and at once found myself in a position to change my name of ,pothinus to one that levels me with the children of ,zeus and ,leda4 ,i then established myself in an old dame's house1 where ,i earned my keep by professing a passion for her seventy years and her half-dozen remaining teeth1 dentist's gold and all4 ,however1 poverty reconciled me to my task2 even for those cold coffin kisses1 fames was condimentum optimum4 ,and it was by the merest ill luck that ,i missed inheriting her wealth--that damned slave who peached about the poison ,i had bought6 ,i was turned out neck and crop1 but even so ,i did not starve4 ,i have my professional position and am well known in the courts-- especially for collusion and the corruption-agency which ,i keep for credulous litigants4 ,my cases generally go against me2 but the palms at my door ,transcriber's ,note3 ,lengthy footnote relocated to chapter end4 are fresh and flower-crowned--springes to catch woodcocks1 you know4 ,then1 to be the object of universal detestation1 to be distinguished only less for the badness of one's character than for that of one's speeches1 to be pointed at by every finger as the famous champion of all-round villany--this seems to me no inconsiderable attainment4 ,and now you have my advice2 take it with the blessing of the great ,goddess ,lubricity4 ,it is the same that ,i gave myself long ago2 and very thankful ,i have been to myself for it4 ,ah6 our admirable friend seems to have done4 ,if you decide to take his advice1 you may regard yourself as practically arrived at your goal4 ,keep his rules1 and your path is clear2 you may dominate the courts1 triumph in the lecture-room1 be smiled on by the fair2 your bride shall be not1 like your lawgiver and teacher's1 an old woman off the comic stage1 but lovely dame ,rhetoric4 ,plato told of ,zeus sweeping on in his winged car2 you shall use the figure as fitly of yourself4 ,and ,i8 why1 ,i lack spirit and courage2 ,i will stand out of your way4 ,i will resign--nay1 ,i have resigned--my high place about our lady's person to you2 for ,i cannot pay my court to her like the new school4 ,do your walk over1 then1 hear your name announced1 take your plaudits2 ,i ask you only to remember that you owe the victory not to your speed1 but to your discovery of the easy down-hill route4 ,note at end of piece3 ,it is apparent from the later half of this piece that the satire is aimed at an individual4 ,he is generally identified with ,julius ,pollux4 ,this ,pollux 7#a7 was contemporary 7floruit ,a4,d4 #ahc7 with ,lucian4 7#b7 ,explains by his name the reference to ,leda's children 7,castor and ,pollux7 in ,section #bd4 7#c7 ,published an ,onomasticon1 or classified vocabulary2 cf4 ,sections #af1 #ag4 7#d7 ,published a collection of declamations1 or school rhetorical exercises on set themes2 cf4 ,section #ag4 7#e7 ,came from ,egypt2 cf4 ,section #bd2 ,xois and ,thmuis were in that country4 7#f7 ,is said to have been appointed professor of rhetoric at ,athens by ,commodus purely on account of his mellifluous voice2 cf4 ,section #ai4 ,it is supposed that ,lexiphanes 7in the dialogue of that name1 which has much in common with the present satire7 is also ,julius ,pollux4 ,relocated ,footnote3 ,now stretch your throat1 unhappy man6 now raise ,your clamours1 that1 when hoarse1 a bunch of bays1 ,stuck in your garret window1 may declare1 ,that some victorious pleader nestles there4 ,juvenal1 vii4 #aah 7,gifford74 ,,the ,,liar ,tychiades4 ,philocles ,tyc4 ,philocles1 what is it that makes most men so fond of a lie8 ,can you explain it8 ,their delight in romancing themselves is only equalled by the earnest attention with which they receive other people's efforts in the same direction4 ,phi4 ,why1 in some cases there is no lack of motives for lying1--motives of self-interest4 ,tyc4 ,ah1 but that is neither here nor there4 ,i am not speaking of men who lie with an object4 ,there is some excuse for that3 indeed1 it is sometimes to their credit1 when they deceive their country's enemies1 for instance1 or when mendacity is but the medicine to heal their sickness4 ,odysseus1 seeking to preserve his life and bring his companions safe home1 was a liar of that kind4 ,the men ,i mean are innocent of any ulterior motive3 they prefer a lie to truth1 simply on its own merits2 they like lying1 it is their favourite occupation2 there is no necessity in the case4 ,now what good can they get out of it8 ,phi4 ,why1 have you ever known any one with such a strong natural turn for lying8 ,tyc4 ,any number of them4 ,phi4 ,then ,i can only say they must be fools1 if they really prefer evil to good4 ,tyc4 ,oh1 that is not it4 ,i could point you out plenty of men of first-rate ability1 sensible enough in all other respects1 who have somehow picked up this vice of romancing4 ,it makes me quite angry3 what satisfaction can there be to men of their good qualities in deceiving themselves and their neighbours8 ,there are instances among the ancients with which you must be more familiar than ,i4 ,look at ,herodotus1 or ,ctesias of ,cnidus2 or1 to go further back1 take the poets--,homer himself3 here are men of world-wide celebrity1 perpetuating their mendacity in black and white2 not content with deceiving their hearers1 they must send their lies down to posterity1 under the protection of the most admirable verse4 ,many a time ,i have blushed for them1 as ,i read of the mutilation of ,uranus1 the fetters of ,prometheus1 the revolt of the ,giants1 the torments of ,hell2 enamoured ,zeus taking the shape of bull or swan2 women turning into birds and bears2 ,pegasuses1 ,chimaeras1 ,gorgons1 ,cyclopes1 and the rest of it2 monstrous medley6 fit only to charm the imaginations of children for whom ,mormo and ,lamia have still their terrors4 ,however1 poets1 ,i suppose1 will be poets4 ,but when it comes to national lies1 when one finds whole cities bouncing collectively like one man1 how is one to keep one's countenance8 ,a ,cretan will look you in the face1 and tell you that yonder is ,zeus's tomb4 ,in ,athens1 you are informed that ,erichthonius sprang out of the ,earth1 and that the first ,athenians grew up from the soil like so many cabbages2 and this story assumes quite a sober aspect when compared with that of the ,sparti1 for whom the ,thebans claim descent from a dragon's teeth4 ,if you presume to doubt these stories1 if you choose to exert your common sense1 and leave ,triptolemus's winged aerial car1 and ,pan's ,marathonian exploits1 and ,orithyia's mishap1 to the stronger digestions of a ,coroebus and a ,margites1 you are a fool and a blasphemer1 for questioning such palpable truths4 ,such is the power of lies6 ,phi4 ,i must say ,i think there is some excuse1 ,tychiades1 both for your national liars and for the poets4 ,the latter are quite right in throwing in a little mythology3 it has a very pleasing effect1 and is just the thing to secure the attention of their hearers4 ,on the other hand1 the ,athenians and the ,thebans and the rest are only trying to add to the lustre of their respective cities4 ,take away the legendary treasures of ,greece1 and you condemn the whole race of ciceroni to starvation3 sightseers do not want the truth2 they would not take it at a gift4 ,however1 ,i surrender to your ridicule any one who has no such motive1 and yet rejoices in lies4 ,tyc4 ,very well3 now ,i have just been with the great ,eucrates1 who treated me to a whole string of old wives' tales4 ,i came away in the middle of it2 he was too much for me altogether2 ,furies could not have driven me out more effectually than his marvel-working tongue4 ,phi4 ,what1 ,eucrates1 of all credible witnesses8 ,that venerably bearded sexagenarian1 with his philosophic leanings8 ,i could never have believed that he would lend his countenance to other people's lies1 much less that he was capable of such things himself ,tyc4 ,my dear sir1 you should have heard the stuff he told me2 the way in which he vouched for the truth of it all too1 solemnly staking the lives of his children on his veracity6 ,i stared at him in amazement1 not knowing what to make of it3 one moment ,i thought he must be out of his mind2 the next ,i concluded he had been a humbug all along1 an ape in a lion's skin4 ,oh1 it was monstrous4 ,phi4 ,do tell me all about it2 ,i am curious to see the quackery that shelters beneath so long a beard4 ,tyc4 ,i often look in on ,eucrates when ,i have time on my hands1 but to-day ,i had gone there to see ,leontichus2 he is a friend of mine1 you know1 and ,i understood from his boy that he had gone off early to inquire after ,eucrates's health1 ,i had not heard that there was anything the matter with him1 but this was an additional reason for paying him a visit4 ,when ,i got there1 ,leontichus had just gone away1 so ,eucrates said2 but he had a number of other visitors4 ,there was ,cleodemus the ,peripatetic and ,dinomachus the ,stoic1 and ,ion4 ,you know ,ion8 he is the man who fancies himself so much on his knowledge of ,plato2 if you take his word for it1 he is the only man who has ever really got to the bottom of that philosopher's meaning1 or is qualified to act as his interpreter4 ,there is a company for you2 ,wisdom and ,virtue personified1 the elite of every school1 most reverend gentlemen all of them2 it almost frightened one4 ,then there was ,antigonus the doctor1 who ,i suppose attended in his professional capacity4 ,eucrates seemed to be better already3 he had come to an understanding with the gout1 which had now settled down in his feet again4 ,he motioned me to a seat on the couch beside him4 ,his voice sank to the proper invalid level when he saw me coming1 but on my way in ,i had overheard him bellowing away most lustily4 ,i made him the usual compliments--explained that this was the first ,i had heard of his illness1 and that ,i had come to him post-haste--and sat down at his side1 in very gingerly fashion1 lest ,i should touch his feet4 ,there had been a good deal of talk already about gout1 and this was still going on2 each man had his pet prescription to offer4 ,cleodemus was giving his4 #8,in the left hand take up the tooth of a field-mouse1 which has been killed in the manner described1 and attach it to the skin of a freshly flayed lion2 then bind the skin about your legs1 and the pain will instantly cease4' #8,a lion's skin8' says ,dinomachus2 #8,i understood it was an uncovered hind's4 ,that sounds more likely3 a hind has more pace1 you see1 and is particularly strong in the feet4 ,a lion is a brave beast1 ,i grant you2 his fat1 his right fore-paw1 and his beard-bristles1 are all very efficacious1 if you know the proper incantation to use with each2 but they would hardly be much use for gout4' #8,ah1 yes2 that is what ,i used to think for a long time3 a hind was fast1 so her skin must be the one for the purpose4 ,but ,i know better now3 a ,libyan1 who understands these things1 tells me that lions are faster than stags2 they must be1 he says1 because how else could they catch them8 #8,all agreed that the ,libyan's argument was convincing4 ,when ,i asked what good incantations could do1 and how an internal complaint could be cured by external attachments1 ,i only got laughed at for my pains2 evidently they set me down as a simpleton1 ignorant of the merest truisms1 that no one in his senses would think of disputing4 ,however1 ,i thought doctor ,antigonus seemed rather pleased at my question4 ,i expect his professional advice had been slighted3 he wanted to lower ,eucrates's tone1--cut down his wine1 and put him on a vegetable diet4 #8,what1 ,tychiades1' says ,cleodemus1 with a faint grin1' you don't believe these remedies are good for anything8' #8,i should have to be pretty far gone1' ,i replied1 #8before ,i could admit that external things1 which have no communication with the internal causes of disease1 are going to work by means of incantations and stuff1 and effect a cure merely by being hung on4 ,you might take the skin of the ,nemean lion himself1 with a dozen of field-mice tacked on1 and you would do no good4 ,why1 ,i have seen a live lion limping before now1 hide and all complete4' #8,ah1 you have a great deal to learn1' cried ,dinomachus2 #8you have never taken the trouble to inquire into the operation of these valuable remedies4 ,it would not surprise me to hear you disputing the most palpable facts1 such as the curing of tumours and intermittent fevers1 the charming of reptiles1 and so on2 things that every old woman can effect in these days4 ,and this being so1 why should not the same principles be extended further8' #8,nail drives out nail1' ,i replied2 #8you argue in a circle4 ,how do ,i know that these cures are brought about by the means to which you attribute them8 ,you have first to show inductively that it is in the course of nature for a fever or a tumour to take fright and bolt at the sound of holy names and foreign incantations2 till then1 your instances are no better than old wives' tales4' #8,in other words1 you do not believe in the existence of the ,gods1 since you maintain that cures cannot be wrought by the use of holy names8' #8,nay1 say not so1 my dear ,dinomachus1' ,i answered2 #8the ,gods may exist1 and these things may yet be lies4 ,i respect the ,gods3 ,i see the cures performed by them1 ,i see their beneficence at work in restoring the sick through the medium of the medical faculty and their drugs4 ,asclepius1 and his sons after him1 compounded soothing medicines and healed the sick1 --without the lion's-skin-and-field-mouse process4' #8,never mind ,asclepius1' cried ,ion4 #8,i will tell you of a strange thing that happened when ,i was a boy of fourteen or so4 ,some one came and told my father that ,midas1 his gardener1 a sturdy fellow and a good workman1 had been bitten that morning by an adder1 and was now lying prostrate1 mortification having set in the leg4 ,he had been tying the vine-branches to the trellis-work1 when the reptile crept up and bit him on the great toe1 getting off to its hole before he could catch it2 and he was now in a terrible way4 ,before our informant had finished speaking1 we saw ,midas being carried up by his fellow servants on a stretcher3 his whole body was swollen1 livid and mortifying1 and life appeared to be almost extinct4 ,my father was very much troubled about it2 but a friend of his who was there assured him there was no cause for uneasiness4 #8,i know of a ,babylonian1' he said1 #8what they call a ,chaldaean2 ,i will go and fetch him at once1 and he will put the man right4' ,to make a long story short1 the ,babylonian came1 and by means of an incantation expelled the venom from the body1 and restored ,midas to health2 besides the incantation1 however1 he used a splinter of stone chipped from the monument of a virgin2 this he applied to ,midas's foot4 ,and as if that were not enough 7,midas1 ,i may mention1 actually picked up the stretcher on which he had been brought1 and took it off with him into the vineyard6 and it was all done by an incantation and a bit of stone71 the ,chaldaean followed it up with an exhibition nothing short of miraculous4 ,early in the morning he went into the field1 pronounced seven names of sacred import1 taken from an old book1 purified the ground by going thrice round it with sulphur and burning torches1 and thereby drove every single reptile off the estate6 ,they came as if drawn by a spell3 venomous toads and snakes of every description1 asp and adder1 cerastes and acontias2 only one old serpent1 disabled apparently by age1 ignored the summons4 ,the ,chaldaean declared that the number was not complete1 appointed the youngest of the snakes as his ambassador1 and sent him to fetch the old serpent who presently arrived4 ,having got them all together1 he blew upon them2 and imagine our astonishment when every one of them was immediately consumed6' #8,ion1' said ,i1 #8about that one who was so old3 did the ambassador snake give him an arm1 or had he a stick to lean on8' #8,ah1 you will have your joke1' ,cleodemus put in2 #8,i was an unbeliever myself once--worse than you2 in fact ,i considered it absolutely impossible to give credit to such things4 ,i held out for a long time1 but all my scruples were overcome the first time ,i saw the ,flying ,stranger2 a ,hyperborean1 he was2 ,i have his own word for it4 ,there was no more to be said after that3 there was he travelling through the air in broad daylight1 walking on the water1 or strolling through fire1 perfectly at his ease6' #8,what1' ,i exclaimed1' you saw this ,hyperborean actually flying and walking on water8' #8,i did2 he wore brogues1 as the ,hyperboreans usually do4 ,i need not detain you with the everyday manifestations of his power3 how he would make people fall in love1 call up spirits1 resuscitate corpses1 bring down the ,moon1 and show you ,hecate herself1 as large as life4 ,but ,i will just tell you of a thing ,i saw him do at ,glaucias's4 ,it was not long after ,glaucias's father1 ,alexicles1 had died4 ,glaucias1 on coming into the property1 had fallen in love with ,chrysis1 ,demaenetus's daughter4 ,i was teaching him philosophy at the time1 and if it had not been for this love-affair he would have thoroughly mastered the ,peripatetic doctrines3 at eighteen years old that boy had been through his physics1 and begun analysis4 ,well1 he was in a dreadful way1 and told me all about his love troubles4 ,it was clearly my duty to introduce him to this ,hyperborean wizard1 which ,i accordingly did2 his preliminary fee1 to cover the expenses of sacrifice1 was to be #ae pounds1 and he was to have another #fj pounds if ,glaucias succeeded with ,chrysis4 ,well1 as soon as the moon was full1 that being the time usually chosen for these enchantments1 he dug a trench in the courtyard of the house1 and commenced operations1 at about midnight1 by summoning ,glaucias's father1 who had now been dead for seven months4 ,the old man did not approve of his son's passion1 and was very angry at first2 however1 he was prevailed on to give his consent4 ,hecate was next ordered to appear1 with ,cerberus in her train1 and the ,moon was brought down1 and went through a variety of transformations2 she appeared first in the form of a woman1 but presently she turned into a most magnificent ox1 and after that into a puppy4 ,at length the ,hyperborean moulded a clay ,eros1 and ordered it to go and fetch ,chrysis4 ,off went the image1 and before long there was a knock at the door1 and there stood ,chrysis4 ,she came in and threw her arms about ,glaucias's neck2 you would have said she was dying for love of him2 and she stayed on till at last we heard cocks crowing4 ,away flew the ,moon into ,heaven1 ,hecate disappeared under ground1 all the apparitions vanished1 and we saw ,chrysis out of the house just about dawn4--,now1 ,tychiades1 if you had seen that1 it would have been enough to convince you that there was something in incantations4' #8,exactly1' ,i replied4 #8,if ,i had seen it1 ,i should have been convinced3 as it is1 you must bear with me if ,i have not your eyes for the miraculous4 ,but as to ,chrysis1 ,i know her for a most inflammable lady4 ,i do not see what occasion there was for the clay ambassador and the ,moon1 or for a wizard all the way from the land of the ,hyperboreans2 why1 ,chrysis would go that distance herself for the sum of twenty shillings2 'tis a form of incantation she cannot resist4 ,she is the exact opposite of an apparition3 apparitions1 you tell me1 take flight at the clash of brass or iron1 whereas if ,chrysis hears the chink of silver1 she flies to the spot4 ,by the way1 ,i like your wizard3 instead of making all the wealthiest women in love with himself1 and getting thousands out of them1 he condescends to pick up #ae pounds by rendering ,glaucias irresistible4' #8,this is sheer folly1' said ,ion2 #8you are determined not to believe any one4 ,i shall be glad1 now1 to hear your views on the subject of those who cure demoniacal possession2 the effect of their exorcisms is clear enough1 and they have spirits to deal with4 ,i need not enlarge on the subject3 look at that ,syrian adept from ,palestine3 every one knows how time after time he has found a man thrown down on the ground in a lunatic fit1 foaming at the mouth and rolling his eyes2 and how he has got him on to his feet again and sent him away in his right mind2 and a handsome fee he takes for freeing men from such horrors4 ,he stands over them as they lie1 and asks the spirit whence it is4 ,the patient says not a word1 but the spirit in him makes answer1 in ,greek or in some foreign tongue as the case may be1 stating where it comes from1 and how it entered into him4 ,then with adjurations1 and if need be with threats1 the ,syrian constrains it to come out of the man4 ,i myself once saw one coming out3 it was of a dark1 smoky complexion4' #8,ah1 that is nothing for you1' ,i replied2 #8your eyes can discern those ideas which are set forth in the works of ,plato1 the founder of your school3 now they make a very faint impression on the dull optics of us ordinary men4' #8,do you suppose1' asked ,eucrates1 #8that he is the only man who has seen such things8 ,plenty of people besides ,ion have met with spirits1 by night and by day4 ,as for me1 if ,i have seen one apparition1 ,i have seen a thousand4 ,i used not to like them at first1 but ,i am accustomed to them now1 and think nothing of it2 especially since the ,arab gave me my ring of gallows-iron1 and taught me the incantation with all those names in it4 ,but perhaps you will doubt my word too8' #8,doubt the word of ,eucrates1 the learned son of ,dino8 ,never6 least of all when he unbosoms himself in the liberty of his own house4' #8,well1 what ,i am going to tell you about the statue was witnessed night after night by all my household1 from the eldest to the youngest1 and any one of them could tell you the story as well as myself4' #8,what statue is this8' #8,have you never noticed as you came in that beautiful one in the court1 by ,demetrius the portrait-sculptor8' #8,is that the one with the quoit1--leaning forward for the throw1 with his face turned back towards the hand that holds the quoit1 and one knee bent1 ready to rise as he lets it go8' #8,ah1 that is a fine piece of work1 too1--a ,myron2 but ,i don't mean that1 nor the beautiful ,polyclitus next it1 the ,youth tying on the ,fillet4 ,no1 forget all you pass on your right as you come in2 the ,tyrannicides ,footnote3 ,harmodius and ,aristogiton4 of ,critius and ,nesiotes are on that side too3-- but did you never notice one just by the fountain8--bald1 pot- bellied1 half-naked2 beard partly caught by the wind2 protruding veins8 that is the one ,i mean2 it looks as if it must be a portrait1 and is thought to be ,pelichus1 the ,corinthian general4' #8,ah1 to be sure1 ,i have seen it1' ,i replied2 #8it is to the right of the ,cronus2 the head is crowned with fillets and withered garlands1 and the breast gilded4' #8,yes1 ,i had that done1 when he cured me of the tertian ague2 ,i had been at ,death's door with it4' #8,bravo1 ,pelichus6' ,i exclaimed2 #8so he was a doctor too8' #8,not was1 but is4 ,beware of trifling with him1 or he may pay you a visit before long4 ,well do ,i know what virtue is in that statue with which you make so merry4 ,can you doubt that he who cures the ague may also inflict it at will8' #8,i implore his favour1' ,i cried2 #8may he be as merciful as he is mighty6 ,and what are his other doings1 to which all your household are witnesses8' #8,at nightfall1' said ,eucrates1 #8he descends from his pedestal1 and walks all round the house2 one or other of us is continually meeting with him2 sometimes he is singing4 ,he has never done any harm to any one3 all we have to do when we see him is to step aside1 and he passes on his way without molesting us4 ,he is fond of taking a bath2 you may hear him splashing about in the water all night long4' #8,perhaps1' ,i suggested1 #8it is not ,pelichus at all1 but ,talos the ,cretan1 the son of ,minos8 ,he was of bronze1 and used to walk all round the island4 ,or if only he were made of wood instead of bronze1 he might quite well be one of ,daedalus's ingenious mechanisms--you say he plays truant from his pedestal just like them--and not the work of ,demetrius at all4' #8,take care1 ,tychiades2 you will be sorry for this some day4 ,i have not forgotten what happened to the thief who stole his monthly pennies4' #8,the sacrilegious villain6' cried ,ion2 #8,i hope he got a lesson4 ,how was he punished8 ,do tell me3 never mind ,tychiades2 he can be as incredulous as he likes4' #8,at the feet of the statue a number of pence were laid1 and other coins were attached to his thigh by means of wax2 some of these were silver1 and there were also silver plates1 all being the thank-offerings of those whom he had cured of fever4 ,now we had a scamp of a ,libyan groom1 who took it into his head to filch all this coin under cover of night4 ,he waited till the statue had descended from his pedestal1 and then put his plan into effect4 ,pelichus detected the robbery as soon as he got back2 and this is how he found the offender out and punished him4 ,he caused the wretch to wander about in the court all night long1 unable to find his way out1 just as if he had been in a maze2 till at daybreak he was caught with the stolen property in his possession4 ,his guilt was clear1 and he received a sound flogging there and then2 and before long he died a villain's death4 ,it seems from his own confession that he was scourged every night2 and each succeeding morning the weals were to be seen on his body4--,now1 ,tychiades1 let me hear you laugh at ,pelichus3 ,i am a dotard1 am ,i not8 a relic from the time of ,minos8' #8,my dear ,eucrates1' said ,i1 #8if bronze is bronze1 and if that statue was cast by ,demetrius of ,alopece1 who dealt not in ,gods but in men1 then ,i cannot anticipate any danger from a statue of ,pelichus2 even the menaces of the original would not have alarmed me particularly4' ,here ,antigonus1 the doctor1 put in a word4 #8,i myself1' he informed his host1 #8have a ,hippocrates in bronze1 some eighteen inches high4 ,now the moment my candle is out1 he goes clattering about all over the house1 slamming the door1 turning all my boxes upside down1 and mixing up all my drugs2 especially when his annual sacrifice is overdue4' #8,what are we coming to8' ,i cried2 #8,hippocrates must have sacrifices1 must he8 he must be feasted with all pomp and circumstance1 and punctually to the day1 or his leechship is angry8 ,why1 he ought to be only too pleased to be complimented with a cup of mead or a garland1 like other dead men4' #8,now here1' ,eucrates went on1 #8is a thing that ,i saw happen five years ago1 in the presence of witnesses4 ,it was during the vintage4 ,i had left the labourers busy in the vineyard at midday1 and was walking off into the wood1 occupied with my own thoughts4 ,i had already got under the shade of the trees1 when ,i heard dogs barking1 and supposed that my boy ,mnason was amusing himself in the chase as usual1 and had penetrated into the copse with his friends4 ,however1 that was not it3 presently there was an earthquake2 ,i heard a voice like a thunderclap1 and saw a terrible woman approaching1 not much less than three hundred feet high4 ,she carried a torch in her left hand1 and a sword in her right2 the sword might be thirty feet long4 ,her lower extremities were those of a dragon2 but the upper half was like ,medusa--as to the eyes1 ,i mean2 they were quite awful in their expression4 ,instead of hair1 she had clusters of snakes writhing about her neck1 and curling over her shoulders4 ,see here3 it makes my flesh creep1 only to speak of it6' ,and he showed us all his arm1 with the hair standing on end4 ,ion and ,dinomachus and ,cleodemus and the rest of them drank down every word4 ,the narrator led them by their venerable noses1 and this least convincing of colossal bogies1 this hundred-yarder1 was the object of their mute adorations4 ,and these 7,i was reflecting all the time7--these are the admired teachers from whom our youth are to learn wisdom6 ,two circumstances distinguish them from babies3 they have white hair1 and they have beards3 but when it comes to swallowing a lie1 they are babes and more than babes4 ,dinomachus1 for instance1 wanted to know #8how big were the ,goddess's dogs8' #8,they were taller than ,indian elephants1' he was assured1 #8and as black1 with coarse1 matted coats4 ,at the sight of her1 ,i stood stock still1 and turned the seal of my ,arab's ring inwards2 whereupon ,hecate smote upon the ground with her dragon's foot1 and caused a vast chasm to open1 wide as the mouth of ,hell4 ,into this she presently leaped1 and was lost to sight4 ,i began to pluck up courage1 and looked over the edge2 but first ,i took hold of a tree that grew near1 for fear ,i should be giddy1 and fall in4 ,and then ,i saw the whole of ,hades3 there was ,pyriphlegethon1 the ,lake of ,acheron1 ,cerberus1 the ,shades4 ,i even recognized some of them3 ,i made out my father quite distinctly2 he was still wearing the same clothes in which we buried him4' #8,and what were the spirits doing8' asked ,ion4 #8,doing8 ,oh1 they were just lying about on the asphodel1 among their friends and kinsmen1 all arranged according to their clans and tribes4' #8,there now6' exclaimed ,ion2 #8after that ,i should like to hear the ,epicureans say another word against the divine ,plato and his account of the spiritual world4 ,i suppose you did not happen to see ,socrates or ,plato among the ,shades8' #8,yes1 ,i did2 ,i saw ,socrates2 not very plainly1 though2 ,i only went by the bald head and corpulent figure4 ,plato ,i did not make out2 ,i will speak the plain truth2 we are all friends here4 ,i had just had a good look at everything1 when the chasm began to close up2 some of the servants who came to look for me 7,pyrrhias here was among them7 arrived while the gap was still visible4--,pyrrhias1 is that the fact8' #8,indeed it is1' says ,pyrrhias2 #8what is more1 ,i heard a dog barking in the hole1 and if ,i am not mistaken ,i caught a glimmer of torchlight4' ,i could not help a smile2 it was handsome in ,pyrrhias1 this of the bark and the torchlight4 #8,your experience1' observed ,cleodemus1 #8is by no means without precedent4 ,in fact ,i saw something of the same kind myself1 not long ago4 ,i had been ill1 and ,antigonus here was attending me4 ,the fever had been on me for seven days1 and was now aggravated by the excessive heat4 ,all my attendants were outside1 having closed the door and left me to myself2 those were your orders1 you know1 ,antigonus2 ,i was to get some sleep if ,i could4 ,well1 ,i woke up to find a handsome young man standing at my side1 in a white cloak4 ,he raised me up from the bed1 and conducted me through a sort of chasm into ,hades2 ,i knew where ,i was at once1 because ,i saw ,tantalus and ,tityus and ,sisyphus4 ,not to go into details1 ,i came to the ,judgement-hall1 and there were ,aeacus and ,charon and the ,fates and the ,furies4 ,one person of a majestic appearance--,pluto1 ,i suppose it was--sat reading out the names of those who were due to die1 their term of life having lapsed4 ,the young man took me and set me before him1 but ,pluto flew into a rage3 8,away with him10 he said to my conductor2 8his thread is not yet out2 go and fetch ,demylus the smith2 he has had his spindleful and more40 ,i ran off home1 nothing loath4 ,my fever had now disappeared1 and ,i told everybody that ,demylus was as good as dead4 ,he lived close by1 and was said to have some illness1 and it was not long before we heard the voices of mourners in his house4' #8,this need not surprise us1' remarked ,antigonus2 #8,i know of a man who rose from the dead twenty days after he had been buried2 ,i attended him both before his death and after his resurrection4' #8,i should have thought1' said ,i1 #8that the body must have putrefied in all that time1 or if not that1 that he must have collapsed for want of nourishment4 ,was your patient a second ,epimenides8' ,at this point in the conversation1 ,eucrates's sons came in from the gymnasium1 one of them quite a young man1 the other a boy of fifteen or so4 ,after saluting the company1 they took their seats on the couch at their father's side1 and a chair was brought for me4 ,the appearance of the boys seemed to remind ,eucrates of something3 laying a hand upon each of them1 he addressed me as follows4 #8,tychiades1 if what ,i am now about to tell you is anything but the truth1 then may ,i never have joy of these lads4 ,it is well known to every one how fond ,i was of my sainted wife1 their mother2 and ,i showed it in my treatment of her1 not only in her lifetime1 but even after her death2 for ,i ordered all the jewels and clothes that she had valued to be burnt upon her pyre4 ,now on the seventh day after her death1 ,i was sitting here on this very couch1 as it might be now1 trying to find comfort for my affliction in ,plato's book about the soul4 ,i was quietly reading this1 when ,demaenete herself appeared1 and sat down at my side exactly as ,eucratides is doing now4' ,here he pointed to the younger boy1 who had turned quite pale during this narrative1 and now shuddered in childish terror4 #8,the moment ,i saw her1' he continued1 #8,i threw my arms about her neck and wept aloud4 ,she bade me cease2 and complained that though ,i had consulted her wishes in everything else1 ,i had neglected to burn one of her golden sandals1 which she said had fallen under a chest4 ,we had been unable to find this sandal1 and had only burnt the fellow to it4 ,while we were still conversing1 a hateful little ,maltese terrier that lay under the couch started barking1 and my wife immediately vanished4 ,the sandal1 however1 was found beneath the chest1 and was eventually burnt4--,do you still doubt1 ,tychiades1 in the face of one convincing piece of evidence after another8' #8,god forbid6' ,i cried2 #8the doubter who should presume1 thus to brazen it out in the face of ,truth would deserve to have a golden sandal applied to him after the nursery fashion4' ,arignotus the ,pythagorean now came in--the #8divine' ,arignotus1 as he is called2 the philosopher of the long hair and the solemn countenance1 you know1 of whose wisdom we hear so much4 ,i breathed again when ,i saw him4 #8,ah6' thought ,i1 #8the very man we want6 here is the axe to hew their lies asunder4 ,the sage will soon pull them up when he hears their cock-and-bull stories4 ,fortune has brought a deus ex machina upon the scene4' ,he sat down 7,cleodemus rising to make room for him7 and inquired after ,eucrates's health4 ,eucrates replied that he was better4 #8,and what1' ,arignotus next asked1 #8is the subject of your learned conversation8 ,i overheard your voices as ,i came in1 and doubt not that your time will prove to have been profitably employed4' ,eucrates pointed to me4 #8,we were only trying1' he said1 #8to convince this man of adamant that there are such things as supernatural beings and ghosts1 and that the spirits of the dead walk the earth and manifest themselves to whomsoever they will4' ,moved by the august presence of ,arignotus1 ,i blushed1 and hung my head4 #8,ah1 but1 ,eucrates1' said he1 #8perhaps all that ,tychiades means is1 that a spirit only walks if its owner met with a violent end1 if he was strangled1 for instance1 or beheaded or crucified1 and not if he died a natural death4 ,if that is what he means1 there is great justice in his contention4' #8,no1 no1' says ,dinomachus1 #8he maintains that there is absolutely no such thing as an apparition4' #8,what is this ,i hear8' asked ,arignotus1 scowling upon me2 #8you deny the existence of the supernatural1 when there is scarcely a man who has not seen some evidence of it8' #8,therein lies my exculpation1' ,i replied3 #8,i do not believe in the supernatural1 because1 unlike the rest of mankind1 ,i do not see it3 if ,i saw1 ,i should doubtless believe1 just as you all do4' #8,well1' said he1 #8next time you are in ,corinth1 ask for the house of ,eubatides1 near the ,craneum2 and when you have found it1 go up to ,tibius the door-keeper1 and tell him you would like to see the spot on which ,arignotus the ,pythagorean unearthed the demon1 whose expulsion rendered the house habitable again4' #8,what was that about1 ,arignotus8' asked ,eucrates4 #8,the house1' replied the other1 #8was haunted1 and had been uninhabited for years3 each intending occupant had been at once driven out of it in abject terror by a most grim and formidable apparition4 ,finally it had fallen into a ruinous state1 the roof was giving way1 and in short no one would have thought of entering it4 ,well1 when ,i heard about this1 ,i got my books together 7,i have a considerable number of ,egyptian works on these subjects7 and went off to the house about bed-time1 undeterred by the remonstrances of my host1 who considered that ,i was walking into the jaws of ,death1 and would almost have detained me by force when he learnt my destination4 ,i took a lamp and entered alone1 and putting down my light in the principal room1 ,i sat on the floor quietly reading4 ,the spirit now made his appearance1 thinking that he had to do with an ordinary person1 and that he would frighten me as he had frightened so many others4 ,he was pitch-black1 with a tangled mass of hair4 ,he drew near1 and assailed me from all quarters1 trying every means to get the better of me1 and changing in a moment from dog to bull1 from bull to lion4 ,armed with my most appalling adjuration1 uttered in the ,egyptian tongue1 ,i drove him spell-bound into the corner of a dark room1 marked the spot at which he disappeared1 and passed the rest of the night in peace4 ,in the morning1 to the amazement of all beholders 7for every one had given me up for lost1 and expected to find me lying dead like former occupants71 ,i issued from the house1 and carried to ,eubatides the welcome news that it was now cleared of its grim visitant1 and fit to serve as a human habitation4 ,he and a number of others1 whom curiosity had prompted to join us1 followed me to the spot at which ,i had seen the demon vanish4 ,i instructed them to take spades and pick-axes and dig3 they did so2 and at about a fathom's depth we discovered a mouldering corpse1 of which nothing but the bones remained entire4 ,we took the skeleton up1 and placed it in a grave2 and from that day to this the house has never been troubled with apparitions4' ,after such a story as this-coming as it did from ,arignotus1 who was generally looked up to as a man of inspired wisdom--my incredulous attitude towards the supernatural was loudly condemned on all hands4 ,however1 ,i was not frightened by his long hair1 nor by his reputation4 #8,dear1 dear6' ,i exclaimed1 #8so ,arignotus1 the sole mainstay of ,truth1 is as bad as the rest of them1 as full of windy imaginings6 ,our treasure proves to be but ashes4' #8,now look here1 ,tychiades1' said ,arignotus1 #8you will not believe me1 nor ,dinomachus1 nor ,cleodemus here1 nor yet ,eucrates3 we shall be glad to know who is your great authority on the other side1 who is to outweigh us all8' #8,no less a person1' ,i replied1 #8than the sage of ,abdera1 the wondrous ,democritus himself4 ,his disbelief in apparitions is sufficiently clear4 ,when he had shut himself up in that tomb outside the city gates1 there to spend his days and nights in literary labours1 certain young fellows1 who had a mind to play their pranks on the philosopher and give him a fright1 got themselves up in black palls and skull-masks1 formed a ring round him1 and treated him to a brisk dance4 ,was ,democritus alarmed at the ghosts8 ,not he3 8,come1 enough of that nonsense10 was all he had to say to them2 and that without so much as looking up1 or taking pen from paper4 ,evidently he had quite made up his mind about disembodied spirits4' #8,which simply proves1' retorted ,eucrates1 #8that ,democritus was no wiser than yourself4 ,now ,i am going to tell you of another thing that happened to me personally2 ,i did not get the story second-hand4 ,even you1 ,tychiades1 will scarcely hold out against so convincing a narrative4 #8,when ,i was a young man1 ,i passed some time in ,egypt1 my father having sent me to that country for my education4 ,i took it into my head to sail up the ,nile to ,coptus1 and thence pay a visit to the statue of ,memnon1 and hear the curious sound that proceeds from it at sunrise4 ,in this respect1 ,i was more fortunate than most people1 who hear nothing but an indistinct voice3 ,memnon actually opened his lips1 and delivered me an oracle in seven hexameters2 it is foreign to my present purpose1 or ,i would quote you the very lines4 ,well now1 one of my fellow passengers on the way up was a scribe of ,memphis1 an extraordinarily able man1 versed in all the lore of the ,egyptians4 ,he was said to have passed twenty-three years of his life underground in the tombs1 studying occult sciences under the instruction of ,isis herself4' #8,you must mean the divine ,pancrates1 my teacher1' exclaimed ,arignotus2 #8tall1 clean-shaven1 snub-nosed1 protruding lips1 rather thin in the legs2 dresses entirely in linen1 has a thoughtful expression1 and speaks ,greek with a slight accent8' #8,yes1 it was ,pancrates himself4 ,i knew nothing about him at first1 but whenever we anchored ,i used to see him doing the most marvellous things1--for instance1 he would actually ride on the crocodiles' backs1 and swim about among the brutes1 and they would fawn upon him and wag their tails2 and then ,i realized that he was no common man4 ,i made some advances1 and by imperceptible degrees came to be on quite a friendly footing with him1 and was admitted to a share in his mysterious arts4 ,the end of it was1 that he prevailed on me to leave all my servants behind at ,memphis1 and accompany him alone2 assuring me that we should not want for attendance4 ,this plan we accordingly followed from that time onwards4 ,whenever we came to an inn1 he used to take up the bar of the door1 or a broom1 or perhaps a pestle1 dress it up in clothes1 and utter a certain incantation2 whereupon the thing would begin to walk about1 so that every one took it for a man4 ,it would go off and draw water1 buy and cook provisions1 and make itself generally useful4 ,when we had no further occasion for its services1 there was another incantation1 after which the broom was a broom once more1 or the pestle a pestle4 ,i could never get him to teach me this incantation1 though it was not for want of trying2 open as he was about everything else1 he guarded this one secret jealously4 ,at last one day ,i hid in a dark corner1 and overheard the magic syllables2 they were three in number4 ,the ,egyptian gave the pestle its instructions1 and then went off to the market4 ,well1 next day he was again busy in the market3 so ,i took the pestle1 dressed it1 pronounced the three syllables exactly as he had done1 and ordered it to become a water-carrier4 ,it brought me the pitcher full2 and then ,i said3 ,stop3 be water-carrier no longer1 but pestle as heretofore4 ,but the thing would take no notice of me3 it went on drawing water the whole time1 until at last the house was full of it4 ,this was awkward3 if ,pancrates came back1 he would be angry1 ,i thought 7and so indeed it turned out74 ,i took an axe1 and cut the pestle in two4 ,the result was that both halves took pitchers and fetched water2 ,i had two water-carriers instead of one4 ,this was still going on1 when ,pancrates appeared4 ,he saw how things stood1 and turned the water-carriers back into wood2 and then he withdrew himself from me1 and went away1 whither ,i knew not4' #8,and you can actually make a man out of a pestle to this day8' asked ,dinomachus4 #8,yes1 ,i can do that1 but that is only half the process3 ,i cannot turn it back again into its original form2 if once it became a water-carrier1 its activity would swamp the house4' #8,oh1 stop6' ,i cried3 #8if the thought that you are old men is not enough to deter you from talking this trash1 at least remember who is present3 if you do not want to fill these boys' heads with ghosts and hobgoblins1 postpone your grotesque horrors for a more suitable occasion4 ,have some mercy on the lads3 do not accustom them to listen to a tangle of superstitious stuff that will cling to them for the rest of their lives1 and make them start at their own shadows4' #8,ah1 talking of superstition1 now1' says ,eucrates1 #8that reminds me3 what do you make of oracles1 for instance1 and omens8 of inspired utterances1 of voices from the shrine1 of the priestess's prophetic lines8 ,you will deny all that too1 of course8 ,if ,i were to tell you of a certain magic ring in my possession1 the seal of which is a portrait of the ,pythian ,apollo1 and actually speaks to me1 ,i suppose you would decline to believe it1 you would think ,i was bragging8 ,but ,i must tell you all of what ,i heard in the temple of ,amphilochus at ,mallus1 when that hero appeared to me in person and gave me counsel1 and of what ,i saw with my own eyes on that occasion2 and again of all ,i saw at ,pergamum and heard at ,patara4 ,it was on my way home from ,egypt that the oracle of ,mallus was mentioned to me as a particularly intelligible and veracious one3 ,i was told that any question1 duly written down on a tablet and handed to the priest1 would receive a plain1 definite answer4 ,i thought it would be a good thing to take the oracle on my way home1 and consult the ,god as to my future4' ,i saw what was coming3 this was but the prologue to a whole tragedy of the oracular4 ,it was clear enough that ,i was not wanted1 and as ,i did not feel called upon to pose as the sole champion of the cause of ,truth among so many1 ,i took my leave there and then1 while ,eucrates was still upon the high seas between ,egypt and ,mallus4 #8,i must go and find ,leontichus1' ,i explained2 #8,i have to see him about something4 ,meanwhile1 you gentlemen1 to whom human affairs are not sufficient occupation1 may solicit the insertion of divine fingers into your mythologic pie4' ,and with that ,i went out4 ,relieved of my presence1 ,i doubt not that they fell to with a will on their banquet of mendacity4 ,that is what ,i got by going to ,eucrates's2 and1 upon my word1 ,philocles1 my overloaded stomach needs an emetic as much as if ,i had been drinking new wine4 ,i would pay something for the drug that should work oblivion in me3 ,i fear the effects of haunting reminiscence2 monsters1 demons1 ,hecates1 seem to pass before my eyes4 ,phi4 ,i am not much better off4 ,they tell us it is not only the mad dog that inflicts hydrophobia3 his human victim's bite is as deadly as his own1 and communicates the evil as surely4 ,you1 it seems1 have been bitten with many bites by the liar ,eucrates1 and have passed it on to me2 no otherwise can ,i explain the demoniacal poison that runs in my veins4 ,tyc4 ,what matter1 friend8 ,truth and good sense3 these are the drugs for our ailment2 let us employ them1 and that empty thing1 a lie1 need have no terrors for us4 ,f4 ,,dionysus1 ,,an ,,introductory ,,lecture ,when ,dionysus invaded ,india--for ,i may tell you a ,bacchic legend1 may ,i not8--it is recorded that the natives so underrated him that his approach only amused them at first2 or rather1 his rashness filled them with compassion2 he would so soon be trampled to death by their elephants1 if he took the field against them4 ,their scouts had doubtless given them amazing details about his army3 the rank and file were frantic mad women crowned with ivy1 clad in fawn- skins1 with little pikes that had no steel about them1 but were ivy-wreathed like themselves1 and toy bucklers that tinkled at a touch2 they took the tambourines for shields1 you see2 and then there were a few bumpkins among them1 stark naked1 who danced wildly1 and had tails1 and horns like a new-born kid's4 ,their general1 who rode on a car drawn by panthers1 was quite beardless1 with not even a vestige of fluff on his face1 had horns1 was crowned with grape-clusters1 his hair tied with a fillet1 his cloak purple1 and his shoes of gold4 ,of his lieutenants1 one was short1 thick-set1 paunchy1 and flat-nosed1 with great upright ears2 he trembled perpetually1 leant upon a narthex-wand1 rode mostly upon an ass1 wore saffron to his superior's purple1 and was a very suitable general of division for him4 ,the other was a half-human hybrid1 with hairy legs1 horns1 and flowing beard1 passionate and quick-tempered2 with a reed-pipe in his left hand1 and waving a crooked staff in his right1 he skipped round and round the host1 a terror to the women1 who let their dishevelled tresses fly abroad as he came1 with cries of ,evoe--the name of their lord1 guessed the scouts4 ,their flocks had suffered1 they added1 the young had been seized alive and torn piecemeal by the women2 they ate raw flesh1 it seemed4 ,all this was food for laughter1 as well it might be1 to the ,indians and their king3 ,take the field8 array their hosts against him8 no1 indeed2 at worst they might match their women with his1 if he still came on2 for themselves such a victory would be a disgrace2 a set of mad women1 a general in a snood1 a little old drunkard1 a half- soldier1 and a few naked dancers2 why should they murder such a droll crew8 ,however1 when they heard how the ,god was wasting their land with fire1 giving cities and citizens to the flames1 burning their forests1 and making one great conflagration of all ,india--for fire is the ,bacchic instrument1 ,dionysus's very birthright--1 then they lost no more time1 but armed2 they girthed1 bitted1 and castled their elephants1 and out they marched2 not that they had ceased to scorn2 but now they were angry too1 and in a hurry to crush this beardless warrior with all his host4 ,when the two armies came to sight of one another1 the ,indians drew up their elephants in front and advanced their phalanx2 on the other side1 ,dionysus held the centre1 ,silenus led his right1 and ,pan his left wing2 his colonels and captains were the satyrs1 and the word for the day evoe4 ,straightway tambourines clattered1 cymbals sounded to battle1 a satyr blew the war-note on his horn1 ,silenus's ass sent forth a martial bray1 and the maenads leapt shrill-voiced on the foe1 girt with serpents and baring now the steel of their thyrsus-heads4 ,in a moment ,indians and elephants turned and fled disordered1 before even a missile could carry across2 and the end was that they were smitten and led captive by the objects of their laughter2 they had learnt the lesson that it is not safe to take the first report1 and scorn an enemy of whom nothing is known4 ,but you wonder what all this is about--suspect me1 possibly1 of being only too fresh from the company of ,bacchus4 ,perhaps the explanation1 involving a comparison of myself with ,gods1 will only more convince you of my exalted or my drunken mood2 it is1 that ordinary people are affected by literary novelties 7my own productions1 for instance7 much as the ,indians were by that experience4 ,they have an idea that literary satyr-dances1 absurdities1 pure farce1 are to be expected from me1 and1 however they reach their conception of me1 they incline to one of two attitudes4 ,some of them avoid my readings altogether1 seeing no reason for climbing down from their elephants and paying attention to revelling women and skipping satyrs2 others come with their preconceived idea1 and when they find that the thyrsus-head has a steel point under it1 they are too much startled by the surprise to venture approval4 ,i confidently promise them1 however1 that if they will attend the rite repeatedly now as in days of yore1 if my old boon-companions will call to mind the revels that once we shared1 not be too shy of satyrs and ,silenuses1 and drink deep of the bowl ,i bring1 the frenzy shall take hold upon them too1 till their evoes vie with mine4 ,well1 they are free to listen or not2 let them take their choice4 ,meanwhile1 we are still in ,india1 and ,i should like to give you another fact from that country1 again a link between ,dionysus and our business4 ,in the territory of the ,machlaeans1 who occupy the left bank of the ,indus right down to the sea1 there is a grove1 of no great size1 but enclosed both round about and overhead1 light being almost excluded by the profusion of ivy and vine4 ,in it are three springs of fair pellucid water1 called1 one of them the satyrs' well1 the second ,pan's1 and the other that of ,silenus4 ,the ,indians enter this grove once a year at the festival of ,dionysus1 and taste the wells1 not promiscuously1 however1 but according to age2 the satyrs' well is for the young1 ,pan's for the middle-aged1 and ,silenus's for those at my time of life4 ,what effect their draught produces on the children1 what doings the men are spurred to1 ,pan-ridden1 must not detain us2 but the behaviour of the old under their water intoxication has its interest4 ,as soon as one of them has drunk1 and ,silenus has possessed him1 he falls dumb for a space like one in vinous lethargy2 then on a sudden his voice is strong1 his articulation clear1 his intonation musical2 from dead silence issues a stream of talk2 the gag would scarce restrain him from incessant chatter2 tale upon tale he reels you off4 ,yet all is sense and order withal2 his words are as many1 and find their place as well1 as those #8winter snowflakes' of ,homer's orator4 ,you may talk of his swan- song if you will1 mindful of his years2 but you must add that his chirping is quick and lively as the grasshopper's1 till evening comes2 then the fit is past2 he falls silent1 and is his common self again4 ,but the greatest wonder ,i have yet to tell3 if he leave unfinished the tale he was upon1 and the setting sun cut him short1 then at his next year's draught he will resume it where the inspiration of this year deserted him4 ,gentlemen1 ,i have been pointing ,momus-like at my own foibles2 ,i need not trouble you with the application2 you can make out the resemblance for yourselves4 ,but if you find me babbling1 you know now what has loosed my tongue2 and if there is shrewdness in any of my words1 then to ,silenus be the thanks4 ,,heracles1 ,,an ,,introductory ,,lecture ,our ,heracles is known among the ,gauls under the local name of ,ogmius2 and the appearance he presents in their pictures is truly grotesque4 ,they make him out as old as old can be3 the few hairs he has left 7he is quite bald in front7 are dead white1 and his skin is wrinkled and tanned as black as any old salt's4 ,you would take him for some infernal deity1 for ,charon or ,iapetus1--any one rather than ,heracles4 ,such as he is1 however1 he has all the proper attributes of that ,god3 the lion's-skin hangs over his shoulders1 his right hand grasps the club1 his left the strung bow1 and a quiver is slung at his side2 nothing is wanting to the ,heraclean equipment4 ,now ,i thought at first that this was just a cut at the ,greek ,gods2 that in taking these liberties with the personal appearance of ,heracles1 the ,gauls were merely exacting pictorial vengeance for his invasion of their territory2 for in his search after the herds of ,geryon he had overrun and plundered most of the peoples of the ,west4 ,however1 ,i have yet to mention the most remarkable feature in the portrait4 ,this ancient ,heracles drags after him a vast crowd of men1 all of whom are fastened by the ears with thin chains composed of gold and amber1 and looking more like beautiful necklaces than anything else4 ,from this flimsy bondage they make no attempt to escape1 though escape must be easy4 ,there is not the slightest show of resistance3 instead of planting their heels in the ground and dragging back1 they follow with joyful alacrity1 singing their captor's praises the while2 and from the eagerness with which they hurry after him to prevent the chains from tightening1 one would say that release is the last thing they desire4 ,nor will ,i conceal from you what struck me as the most curious circumstance of all4 ,heracles's right hand is occupied with the club1 and his left with the bow3 how is he to hold the ends of the chains8 ,the painter solves the difficulty by boring a hole in the tip of the ,god's tongue1 and making that the means of attachment2 his head is turned round1 and he regards his followers with a smiling countenance4 ,for a long time ,i stood staring at this in amazement3 ,i knew not what to make of it1 and was beginning to feel somewhat nettled1 when ,i was addressed in admirable ,greek by a ,gaul who stood at my side1 and who besides possessing a scholarly acquaintance with the ,gallic mythology1 proved to be not unfamiliar with our own4 #8,sir1' he said1 #8,i see this picture puzzles you3 let me solve the riddle4 ,we ,gauls connect eloquence not with ,hermes1 as you do1 but with the mightier ,heracles4 ,nor need it surprise you to see him represented as an old man4 ,it is the prerogative of eloquence1 that it reaches perfection in old age2 at least if we may believe your poets1 who tell us that ,youth is the sport of every random gust1 whereas old age ,hath that to say that passes youthful wit4 ,thus we find that from ,nestor's lips honey is distilled2 and that the words of the ,trojan counsellors are compared to the lily1 which1 if ,i have not forgotten my ,greek1 is the name of a flower4 ,hence1 if you will consider the relation that exists between tongue and ear1 you will find nothing more natural than the way in which our ,heracles1 who is ,eloquence personified1 draws men along with their ears tied to his tongue4 ,nor is any slight intended by the hole bored through that member3 ,i recollect a passage in one of your comic poets in which we are told that ,there is a hole in every glib tongue's tip4 ,indeed1 we refer the achievements of the original ,heracles1 from first to last1 to his wisdom and persuasive eloquence4 ,his shafts1 as ,i take it1 are no other than his words2 swift1 keen-pointed1 true-aimed to do deadly execution on the soul4' ,and in conclusion he reminded me of our own phrase1 #8winged words4' ,now while ,i was debating within myself the advisability of appearing before you1 and of submitting myself for a second time to the verdict of this enormous jury1 old as ,i am1 and long unused to lecturing1 the thought of this ,heracles portrait came to my relief4 ,i had been afraid that some of you would consider it a piece of youthful audacity inexcusable in one of my years4 #8,thy force1' some ,homeric youth might remark with crushing effect1 #8is spent2 dull age hath borne thee down'2 and he might add1 in playful allusion to my gouty toes1 ,slow are thy steeds1 and weakness waits upon thee4 ,but the thought of having that venerable hero to keep me in countenance emboldens me to risk everything3 ,i am no older than he4 ,good-bye1 then1 to bodily perfections1 to strength and speed and beauty2 ,love1 when he sees my grey beard1 is welcome to fly past1 as the poet of ,teos ,footnote3 ,anacreon4 has it1 with rush of gilded wings2 'tis all one to ,hippoclides4 ,old age is ,wisdom's youth1 the day of her glorious flower3 let her draw whom she can by the ears2 let her shoot her bolts freely2 no fear now lest the supply run short4 ,there is the old man's comfort1 on the strength of which he ventures to drag down his boat1 which has long lain high and dry1 provision her as best he may1 and once more put out to sea4 ,never did ,i stand in more need of a generous breeze1 to fill my sails and speed me on my way3 may the ,gods dispose you to contribute thereto2 so shall ,i not be found wanting1 and of me1 as of ,odysseus1 it shall be said ,how stout a thigh lurked #8neath the old man's rags6 ,,swans ,,and ,,amber ,you have no doubt a proper faith in the amber legend--how it is the tears shed by poplars on the ,eridanus for ,phaethon1 the said poplars being his sisters1 who were changed to trees in the course of their mourning1 and continue to distil their lacrimal amber4 ,that was what the poets taught me1 and ,i looked forward1 if ever fortune should bring me to the ,eridanus1 to standing under a poplar1 catching a few tears in a fold of my dress1 and having a supply of the commodity4 ,sure enough1 ,i found myself there not long ago upon another errand1 and had occasion to go up the ,eridanus2 but1 though ,i was all eyes1 ,i saw neither poplars nor amber1 and the natives had not so much as heard of ,phaethon4 ,i started my inquiries by asking when we should come to the amber poplars2 the boatmen only laughed1 and requested explanations4 ,i told them the story3 ,phaethon was a son of ,helius1 and when he grew up came to his father and asked if he might drive his car1 and be the day-maker just that once4 ,his father consented1 but he was thrown out and killed1 and his mourning sisters #8in this land of yours1' ,i said1 #8where he fell on the ,eridanus1 turned into poplars1 and still weep amber for him4' #8,what liar took you in like that1 sir8' they said2 #8we never saw a coachman spilt2 and where are the poplars8 why1 do you suppose1 if it was true1 we would row or tow up stream for sixpences8 we should only have to collect poplar-tears to be rich men4' ,this truth impressed me a good deal2 ,i said no more1 and was painfully conscious of my childishness in trusting the poets2 they deal in such extravagant fictions1 they come to scorn sober fact4 ,here was one hope gone2 ,i had set my heart upon it1 and was as much chagrined as if ,i had dropped the amber out of my hands2 ,i had had all my plans ready for the various uses to which it was to be put4 ,however1 there was one thing ,i still thought ,i really should find there1 and that was flocks of swans singing on the banks4 ,we were still on the way up1 and ,i applied to the boatmen again3 #8,about what time do the swans take post for their famous musical entertainment8--,apollo's fellow craftsmen1 you know1 who were changed here from men to birds1 and still sing in memory of their ancient art4' ,but they only jeered at me3 #8,are you going to lie all day about our country and our river1 pray8 ,we are always on the water2 we have worked all our lives on the ,eridanus2 well1 we do see a swan now and again in the marshes2 and a harsh feeble croak their note is2 crows or jackdaws are sirens to them2 as for sweet singing such as you tell of1 not a ghost of it4 ,we cannot make out where you folk get all these tales about us4' ,such disappointments are the natural consequence of trusting picturesque reporters4 ,well now1 ,i am afraid the newcomers among you1 who hear me for the first time1 may have been expecting swans and amber from me1 and may presently depart laughing at the people who encouraged them to look for such literary treasures4 ,but ,i solemnly aver that no one has ever heard or ever shall hear me making any such claims4 ,other persons in plenty you may find who are ,eridanuses1 rich not in amber1 but in very gold1 and more melodious far than the poets' swans4 ,but you see how plain and unromantic is my material2 song is not in me4 ,any one who expects great things from me will be like a man looking at an object in water4 ,its image is magnified by an optical effect2 he takes the reality to correspond to the appearance1 and when he fishes it up is disgusted to find it so small4 ,so ,i pour out the water1 exhibit my wares1 and warn you not to hope for a large haul2 if you do1 you have only yourselves to blame4 ,h4 ,,the ,,fly1 ,,an ,,appreciation ,the fly is not the smallest of winged things1 on a level with gnats1 midges1 and still tinier creatures2 it is as much larger than they as smaller than the bee4 ,it has not feathers of the usual sort1 is not fledged all over like some1 nor provided with quill- feathers like other birds1 but resembles locusts1 grasshoppers1 and bees in being gauze-winged1 this sort of wing being as much more delicate than the ordinary as ,indian fabrics are lighter and softer than ,greek4 ,moreover1 close inspection of them when spread out and moving in the sun will show them to be peacock-hued4 ,its flight is accompanied neither by the incessant wing-beat of the bat1 the jump of the locust1 nor the buzz of the wasp1 but carries it easily in any direction4 ,it has the further merit of a music neither sullen as with the gnat kind1 deep as with the bee1 nor grim and threatening as with the wasp2 it is as much more tuneful than they as the flute is sweeter than trumpet or cymbals4 ,as for the rest of its person1 the head is very slenderly attached by the neck1 easily turned1 and not all of one piece with the body as in the locust2 the eyes are projecting and horny2 the chest strong1 with the legs springing freely from it instead of lying close like a wasp's4 ,the belly also is well fortified1 and looks like a breastplate1 with its broad bands and scales4 ,its weapons are not in the tail as with wasp and bee1 but in its mouth and proboscis2 with the latter1 in which it is like the elephant1 it forages1 takes hold of things1 and by means of a sucker at its tip attaches itself firmly to them4 ,this proboscis is also supplied with a projecting tooth1 with which the fly makes a puncture1 and so drinks blood4 ,it does drink milk1 but also likes blood1 which it gets without hurting its prey much4 ,of its six legs1 four only are for walking1 and the front pair serves for hands2 you may see it standing on four legs and holding up a morsel in these hands1 which it consumes in very human fashion4 ,it does not come into being in its ultimate shape1 but starts as a worm in the dead body of man or animal2 then it gradually develops legs1 puts forth wings and becomes a flying instead of a creeping thing1 which generates in turn and produces a little worm1 one day to be a fly4 ,living with man1 sharing his food and his table1 it tastes everything except his oil1 to drink which is death to it4 ,in any case it soon perishes1 having but a short span of life allotted to it1 but while it lives it loves the light1 and is active only under its influence2 at night it rests1 neither flying nor buzzing1 but retiring and keeping quiet4 ,i am able to record its considerable wisdom1 shown in evading the plots of its enemy the spider4 ,it is always on the look-out for his ambushes1 and in the most circumspect way dodges about1 that it may not be caught1 netted1 and entangled in his meshes4 ,its valour and spirit require no mention of mine2 ,homer1 mightiest-voiced of poets1 seeking a compliment for the greatest of heroes1 likens his spirit not to a lion's1 a panther's1 a boar's1 but to the courage of the fly1 to its unshrinking and persistent assault2 mark1 it is not mere audacity1 but courage1 that he attributes to it4 ,though you drive it off1 he says1 it will not leave you2 it will have its bite4 ,he is so earnest an admirer of the fly that he alludes to it not once nor twice1 but constantly2 a mention of it is felt to be a poetic ornament4 ,now it is its multitudinous descent upon the milk that he celebrates2 now he is in want of an illustration for ,athene as she wards off a spear from the vitals of ,menelaus2 so he makes her a mother caring for her sleeping child1 and in comes the fly again4 ,moreover he gives them that pretty epithet1 #8thick- clust'ring'2 and #8nations' is his dignified word for a swarm of them4 ,the fly's force is shown by the fact that its bite pierces not merely the human skin1 but that of cattle and horses2 it annoys the elephant by getting into the folds of its hide1 and letting it know the efficiency of even a tiny trunk4 ,there is much ease and freedom about their love affairs1 which are not disposed of so expeditiously as by the domestic fowl2 the act of union is prolonged1 and is found quite compatible with flight4 ,a fly will live and breathe for some time after its head is cut off4 ,the most remarkable point about its natural history is that which ,i am now to mention4 ,it is the one fact that ,plato seems to me to have overlooked in his discourse of the soul and its immortality4 ,if a little ashes be sprinkled on a dead fly1 it gets up1 experiences a second birth1 and starts life afresh1 which is recognized as a convincing proof that its soul is immortal1 inasmuch as after it has departed it returns1 recognizes and reanimates the body1 and enables it to fly2 so is confirmed the tale about ,hermotimus of ,clazomenae--how his soul frequently left him and went off on its own account1 and afterwards returning occupied the body again and restored the man to life4 ,it toils not1 but lives at its case1 profiting by the labours of others1 and finding everywhere a table spread for it4 ,for it the goats are milked1 for its behoof and man's the honey is stored1 to its palate the chef adapts his sauces2 it tastes before the king himself1 walks upon his table1 shares his meal1 and has the use of all that is his4 ,nest1 home1 local habitation1 it has none2 like the ,scythians1 it elects to lead a wandering life1 and where night finds it1 there is its hearth and its chamber4 ,but as ,i said1 it works no deeds of darkness2 #8live openly' is its motto2 its principle is to do no villany that1 done in the face of day1 would dishonour it4 ,legend tells how ,myia 7the fly's ancient name7 was once a maiden1 exceeding fair1 but over-given to talk and chatter and song1 ,selene's rival for the love of ,endymion4 ,when the young man slept1 she was for ever waking him with her gossip and tunes and merriment1 till he lost patience1 and ,selene in wrath turned her to what she now is4 ,and therefore it is that she still1 in memory of ,endymion1 grudges all sleepers their rest1 and most of all the young and tender4 ,her very bite and blood-thirst tell not of savagery1 but of love and human kindness2 she is but enjoying mankind as she may1 and sipping beauty4 ,in ancient times there was a woman of her name1 a poetess wise and beautiful1 and another a famous ,attic courtesan1 of whom the comic poet wrote3 ,as deep as to his heart fair ,myia bit him4 ,the comic ,muse1 we see1 disdained not the name1 nor refused it the hospitality of the boards2 and parents took no shame to give it to their daughters4 ,tragedy goes further and speaks of the fly in high terms of praise1 as witness the following3 ,foul shame the little fly1 with might courageous1 ,should leap upon men's limbs1 athirst for blood1 ,but men-at-arms shrink from the foeman's steel6 ,i might add many details about ,pythagoras's daughter ,myia1 were not her story too well known4 ,there are also flies of very large size1 called generally soldier- flies1 or dog-flies2 these have a hoarse buzz1 a very rapid flight1 and quite long lives2 they last the winter through without food1 mostly in sheltered nooks below the roof2 the most remarkable fact about these is that they are hermaphrodites4 ,but ,i must break off2 not that my subject is exhausted2 only that to exhaust such a subject is too like breaking a butterfly on the wheel4 ,,remarks ,,addressed ,,to ,,an ,,illiterate ,,book-,,fancier ,let me tell you1 that you are choosing the worst way to attain your object4 ,you think that by buying up all the best books you can lay your hands on1 you will pass for a man of literary tastes3 not a bit of it2 you are merely exposing thereby your own ignorance of literature4 ,why1 you cannot even buy the right things3 any casual recommendation is enough to guide your choice2 you are as clay in the hands of the unscrupulous amateur1 and as good as cash down to any dealer4 ,how are you to know the difference between genuine old books that are worth money1 and trash whose only merit is that it is falling to pieces8 ,you are reduced to taking the worms and moths into your confidence2 their activity is your sole clue to the value of a book2 as to the accuracy and fidelity of the copyist1 that is quite beyond you4 ,and supposing even that you had managed to pick out such veritable treasures as the exquisite editions of ,callinus1 or those of the far-famed ,atticus1 most conscientious of publishers1--what does it profit you8 ,their beauty means nothing to you1 my poor friend2 you will get precisely as much enjoyment out of them as a blind lover would derive from the possession of a handsome mistress4 ,your eyes1 to be sure1 are open2 you do see your books1 goodness knows1 see them till you must be sick of the sight2 you even read a bit here and there1 in a scrambling fashion1 your lips still busy with one sentence while your eyes are on the next4 ,but what is the use of that8 ,you cannot tell good from bad3 you miss the writer's general drift1 you miss his subtle arrangements of words3 the chaste elegance of a pure style1 the false ring of the counterfeit1--'tis all one to you4 ,are we to understand that you possess literary discernment without the assistance of any study8 ,and how should that be8 perhaps1 like ,hesiod1 you received a laurel-branch from the ,muses8 ,as to that1 ,i doubt whether you have so much as heard of ,helicon1 the reputed haunt of those ,goddesses2 your youthful pursuits were not those of a ,hesiod2 take not the ,muses' names in vain4 ,they might not have any scruples about appearing to a hardy1 hairy1 sunburnt shepherd3 but as for coming near such a one as you 7you will excuse my particularizing further just now1 when ,i appeal to you in the name of the ,goddess of ,lebanon87 they would scorn the thought2 instead of laurel1 you would have tamarisk and mallow-leaves about your back2 the waters of ,olmeum and ,hippocrene are for thirsty sheep and stainless shepherds1 they must not be polluted by unclean lips4 ,i grant you a very creditable stock of effrontery3 but you will scarcely have the assurance to call yourself an educated man2 you will scarcely pretend that your acquaintance with literature is more than skin-deep1 or give us the names of your teacher and your fellow students8 ,no2 you think you are going to work off all arrears by the simple expedient of buying a number of books4 ,but there again3 you may get together the works of ,demosthenes1 and his eight beautiful copies of ,thucydides1 all in the orator's own handwriting1 and all the manuscripts that ,sulla sent away from ,athens to ,italy1--and you will be no nearer to culture at the end of it1 though you should sleep with them under your pillow1 or paste them together and wear them as a garment2 an ape is still an ape1 says the proverb1 though his trappings be of gold4 ,so it is with you3 you have always a book in your hand1 you are always reading2 but what it is all about1 you have not an idea2 you do but prick up asinine ears at the lyre's sound4 ,books would be precious things indeed1 if the mere possession of them guaranteed culture to their owner4 ,you rich men would have it all your own way then2 we paupers could not stand against you1 if learning were a marketable commodity2 and as for the dealers1 no one would presume to contest the point of culture with men who have whole shopfuls of books at their disposal4 ,however1 you will find on examination that these privileged persons are scarcely less ignorant than yourself4 ,they have just your vile accent1 and are as deficient in intelligence as one would expect men to be who have never learnt to distinguish good from bad4 ,now you see1 you have merely bought a few odd volumes from them3 they are at the fountain-head1 and are handling books day and night4 ,judge from this how much good your purchases are likely to do you2 unless you think that your very book-cases acquire a tincture of learning1 from the bare fact of their housing so many ancient manuscripts4 ,oblige me by answering some questions2 or rather1 as circumstances will not admit of your answering1 just nod or shake your head4 ,if the flute of ,timotheus1 or that of ,ismenias1 which its owner sold in ,corinth for a couple of thousand pounds1 were to fall into the hands of a person who did not know how to play the instrument1 would that make him a flute-player8 would his acquisition leave him any wiser than it found him8 ,you very properly shake your head4 ,a man might possess the instrument of a ,marsyas or an ,olympus1 and still he would not be able to play it if he had never learnt4 ,take another case3 a man gets hold of ,heracles's bow and arrows3 but he is no ,philoctetes2 he has neither that marksman's strength nor his eye4 ,what do you say8 will he acquit himself creditably8 ,again you shake your head4 ,the same will be the case with the ignorant pilot who is entrusted with a ship1 or with the unpractised rider on horseback4 ,nothing is wanting to the beauty and efficiency of the vessel1 and the horse may be a ,median or a ,thessalian or a ,koppa ,footnote3 ,the brand of the obsolete letter ,koppa is supposed to have denoted the ,corinthian breed43 yet ,i take it that the incompetence of their respective owners will be made clear2 am ,i right8 ,and now let me ask your assent to one more proposition3 if an illiterate person like yourself goes in for buying books1 he is thereby laying himself open to ridicule4 ,you hesitate8 ,yet surely nothing could be clearer3 who could observe such a man at work1 and abstain from the inevitable allusion to pearls and swine8 ,there was a wealthy man in ,asia1 not many years ago1 who was so unfortunate as to lose both his feet2 ,i think he had been travelling through snow-drifts1 and had got them frost-bitten4 ,well1 of course1 it was a very hard case2 and in ordering a pair of wooden feet1 by means of which he contrived to get along with the assistance of servants1 he was no doubt only making the best of a bad job4 ,but the absurd thing was1 that he would always make a point of having the smartest and newest of shoes to set off his stumps--feet1 ,i mean4 ,now are you any wiser than he1 when for the adornment of that hobbling1 wooden understanding of yours you go to the expense of such golden shoes as would tax the agility of a sound-limbed intellect8 ,among your other purchases are several copies of ,homer4 ,get some one to turn up the second book of the ,iliad1 and read to you4 ,there is only one part you need trouble about2 the rest does not apply to your case4 ,i refer to the harangue of a certain ludicrous1 maimed1 distorted creature called ,thersites4 ,now imagine this ,thersites1 such as he is there depicted1 to have clothed himself in the armour of ,achilles4 ,what will be the result8 ,will he be converted there and then into a stalwart1 comely warrior1 clearing the river at a bound1 and staining its waters with ,phrygian blood8 ,will he prove a slayer of ,asteropaeuses and ,lycaons1 and finally of ,hectors1 he who cannot so much as bear ,achilles's spear upon his shoulders8 ,of course not4 ,he will simply be ridiculous3 the weight of the shield will cause him to stagger1 and will presently bring him on to his nose2 beneath the helmet1 as often as he looks up1 will be seen that squint2 the ,achillean greaves will be a sad drag to his progress1 and the rise and fall of the breast-plate will tell a tale of a humped-back2 in short1 neither the armourer nor the owner of the arms will have much to boast of4 ,you are just like ,thersites1 if only you could see it4 ,when you take in hand your fine volume1 purple-cased1 gilt-bossed1 and begin reading with that accent of yours1 maiming and murdering its contents1 you make yourself ridiculous to all educated men3 your own toadies commend you1 but they generally get in a chuckle too1 as they catch one another's eye4 ,let me tell you a story of what happened once at ,delphi4 ,a native of ,tarentum1 ,evangelus by name1 a person of some note in his own city1 conceived the ambition of winning a prize in the ,pythian ,games4 ,well1 he saw at once that the athletic contests were quite out of the question2 he had neither the strength nor the agility required4 ,a musical victory1 on the other hand1 would be an easy matter2 so at least he was persuaded by his vile parasites1 who used to burst into a roar of applause the moment he touched the strings of his lyre4 ,he arrived at ,delphi in great style3 among other things1 he had provided himself with gold-bespangled garments1 and a beautiful golden laurel-wreath1 with full-size emerald berries4 ,as for his lyre1 that was a most gorgeous and costly affair--solid gold throughout1 and ornamented with all kinds of gems1 and with figures of ,apollo and ,orpheus and the ,muses1 a wonder to all beholders4 ,the eventful day at length arrived4 ,there were three competitors1 of whom ,evangelus was to come second4 ,thespis the ,theban performed first1 and acquitted himself creditably2 and then ,evangelus appeared1 resplendent in gold and emeralds1 beryls and jacinths1 the effect being heightened by his purple robe1 which made a background to the gold2 the house was all excitement and wondering anticipation4 ,as singing and playing were an essential part of the competition1 ,evangelus now struck up with a few meaningless1 disconnected notes1 assaulting his lyre with such needless violence that he broke three strings at the start2 and when he began to sing with his discordant pipe of a voice the whole audience was convulsed with laughter1 and the stewards1 enraged at his presumption1 scourged him out of the theatre4 ,our golden ,evangelus now presented a very queer spectacle1 as the floggers drove him across the stage1 weeping and bloody- limbed1 and stooping to pick up the gems that had fallen from the lyre2 for that instrument had come in for its share of the castigation4 ,his place was presently taken by one ,eumelus of ,elis3 his lyre was an old one1 with wooden pegs1 and his clothes and crown would scarcely have fetched ten shillings between them4 ,but for all that his well-managed voice and admirable execution caused him to be proclaimed the victor2 and he was very merry over the unavailing splendours of his rival's gem-studded instrument4 #8,evangelus1' he is reported to have said to him1 #8yours is the golden laurel--you can afford it3 ,i am a pauper1 and must put up with the ,delphian wreath4 ,no one will be sorry for your defeat2 your arrogance and incompetence have made you an object of detestation2 that is all your equipment has done for you4' ,here again the application is obvious2 ,evangelus differing from you only in his sensibility to public ridicule4 ,i have also an old ,lesbian story which is very much to the point4 ,it is said that after ,orpheus had been torn to pieces by the ,thracian women1 his head and his lyre were carried down the ,hebrus into the sea2 the head1 it seems1 floated down upon the lyre1 singing ,orpheus's dirge as it went1 while the winds blew an accompaniment upon the strings4 ,in this manner they reached the coast of ,lesbos2 the head was then taken up and buried on the site of the present temple of ,bacchus1 and the lyre was long preserved as a relic in the temple of ,apollo4 ,later on1 however1 ,neanthus1 son of the tyrant ,pittacus1 hearing how the lyre had charmed beasts and trees and stones1 and how after ,orpheus's destruction it had played of its own accord1 conceived a violent fancy for the instrument1 and by means of a considerable bribe prevailed upon the priest to give him the genuine lyre1 and replace it with one of similar appearance4 ,not thinking it advisable to display his acquisition in the city in broad daylight1 he waited till night1 and then1 putting it under his cloak1 walked off into the outskirts2 and there this youth1 who had not a note of music in him1 produced his instrument and began jangling on the strings1 expecting such divine strains to issue therefrom as would subdue all souls1 and prove him the fortunate heir to ,orpheus's power4 ,he went on till a number of dogs collected at the sound and tore him limb from limb2 thus far1 at least1 his fate resembled that of ,orpheus1 though his power of attraction extended only to hostile dogs4 ,it was abundantly proved that the charm lay not in the lyre1 but solely in those peculiar gifts of song and music that had been bestowed upon ,orpheus by his mother2 as to the lyre1 it was just like other lyres4 ,but there3 what need to go back to ,orpheus and ,neanthus8 ,we have instances in our own days3 ,i believe the man is still alive who paid #abj pounds for the earthenware lamp of ,epictetus the ,stoic4 ,i suppose he thought he had only to read by the light of that lamp1 and the wisdom of ,epictetus would be communicated to him in his dreams1 and he himself assume the likeness of that venerable sage4 ,and it was only a day or two ago that another enthusiast paid down #bej pounds for the staff dropped by the ,cynic ,proteus ,footnote3 ,see ,peregrine in ,notes4 when he leaped upon the pyre4 ,he treasures this relic1 and shows it off just as the people of ,tegea do the hide of the ,calydonian boar ,footnote3 ,see ,oenevs in ,notes41 or the ,thebans the bones of ,geryon1 or the ,memphians ,isis' hair4 ,now the original owner of this precious staff was one who for ignorance and vulgarity would have borne away the palm from yourself4--,my friend1 you are in a bad way3 a stick across the head is what you want4 ,they say that when ,dionysius took to tragedy-writing he made such sad stuff of it that ,philoxenus was more than once thrown into the quarries because he could not control his laughter4 ,finding that his efforts only made him ridiculous1 ,dionysius was at some pains to procure the tablets on which ,aeschylus had been wont to write4 ,he looked to draw divine inspiration from them3 as it turned out1 however1 he now wrote considerably worse rubbish than before4 ,among the contents of the tablets ,i may quote3 ',twas ,dionysius' wife1 ,doridion4 ,here is another3 ,most serviceable woman6 thou art gone6 ,genuine tablet that1 and the next3 ,men that are fools are their own folly's butt4 ,taken with reference to yourself1 by the way1 nothing could be more to the point than this last line2 ,dionysius's tablets deserved gilding1 if only for that4 ,what is your idea1 now1 in all this rolling and unrolling of scrolls8 ,to what end the gluing and the trimming1 the cedar-oil and saffron1 the leather cases and the bosses8 ,much good your purchases have been to you2 one sees that already3 why1 your language--no1 ,i am wrong there1 you are as dumb as a fish-but your life1 your unmentionable vices1 make every one hate the sight of you2 if that is what books do1 one cannot keep too clear of them4 ,there are two ways in which a man may derive benefit from the study of the ancients3 he may learn to express himself1 or he may improve his morals by their example and warning2 when it is clear that he has not profited in either of these respects1 what are his books but a habitation for mice and vermin1 and a source of castigation to negligent servants8 ,and how very foolish you must look when any one finds you with a book in your hand 7and you are never to be seen without7 and asks you who is your orator1 your poet1 or your historian3 you have seen the title1 of course1 and can answer that question pat3 but then one word brings up another1 and some criticism1 favourable or the reverse1 is passed upon the contents of your volume3 you are dumb and helpless2 you pray for the earth to open and swallow you2 you stand like ,bellerophon with the warrant for your own execution in your hand4 ,once in ,corinth ,demetrius the ,cynic found some illiterate person reading aloud from a very handsome volume1 the ,bacchae of ,euripides1 ,i think it was4 ,he had got to the place where the messenger is relating the destruction of ,pentheus by ,agave1 when ,demetrius snatched the book from him and tore it in two3 #8,better1' he exclaimed1 #8that ,pentheus should suffer one rending at my hands than many at yours4' ,i have often wondered1 though ,i have never been able to satisfy myself1 what it is that makes you such an ardent buyer of books4 ,the idea of your making any profitable use of them is one that nobody who has the slightest acquaintance with you would entertain for a moment3 does the bald man buy a comb1 the blind a mirror1 the deaf a flute-player8 the eunuch a concubine1 the landsman an oar1 the pilot a plough8 ,are you merely seizing an opportunity of displaying your wealth8 ,is it just your way of showing the public that you can afford to spend money even on things that are of no use to you8 ,why1 even a ,syrian like myself knows that if you had not got your name foisted into that old man's will1 you would have been starving by this time1 and all your books must have been put up to sale4 ,only one possible explanation remains3 your toadies have made you believe that in addition to your charms of person you have an extraordinary gift for rhetoric1 history1 and philosophy2 and you buy books merely to countenance their flatteries4 ,it seems that you actually hold forth to them at table2 and they1 poor thirsty frogs1 must croak dry-throated applause till they burst1 or there is no drink for them4 ,you are a most curiously gullible person3 you take in every word they say to you4 ,you were made to believe at one time that your features resembled those of a certain ,emperor4 ,we had had a pseudo-,alexander1 and a pseudo-,philip1 the fuller1 and there was a pseudo-,nero as recently as our own grandfathers' times3 you were for adding one more to the noble army of pseudos4 ,after all1 it was nothing for an illiterate fool like you to take such a fancy into his head1 and walk about with his chin in the air1 aping the gait and dress and expression of his supposed model3 even the ,epirot king ,pyrrhus1 remarkable man that he was in other respects1 had the same foible1 and was persuaded by his flatterers that he was like ,alexander1 ,alexander the ,great1 that is4 ,in point of fact1 ,i have seen ,pyrrhus's portrait1 and the two--to borrow a musical phrase-- are about as much like one another as bass and treble2 and yet he was convinced he was the image of ,alexander4 ,however1 if that were all1 it would be rather too bad of me to insult ,pyrrhus by the comparison3 but ,i am justified by the sequel2 it suits your case so exactly4 ,when once ,pyrrhus had got this fancy into his head1 every one else ran mad for company1 till at last an old woman of ,larissa1 who did not know ,pyrrhus1 told him the plain truth1 and cured his delusion4 ,after showing her portraits of ,philip1 ,perdiccas1 ,alexander1 ,casander1 and other kings1 ,pyrrhus finally asked her which of these he resembled1 taking it as a matter of course that she would fix upon ,alexander3 however1 she considered for some time1 and at length informed him that he was most like ,batrachion the cook1 there being a cook of that name in ,larissa who was very like ,pyrrhus4 ,what particular theatrical pander you most resemble ,i will not pretend to decide3 all ,i can state with certainty is that to this day you pass for a raving madman on the strength of this fancy4 ,after such an instance of your critical discernment1 we need not be surprised to find that your flatterers have inspired you with the further ambition of being taken for a scholar4 ,but ,i am talking nonsense4 ,the cause of your bibliomania is clear enough2 ,i must have been dozing1 or ,i should have seen it long ago4 ,this is your idea of strategy3 you know the ,emperor's scholarly tastes1 and his respect for culture1 and you think it will be worth something to you if he hears of your literary pursuits4 ,once let your name be mentioned to him as a great buyer and collector of books1 and you reckon that your fortune is made4 ,vile creature6 and is the ,emperor drugged with mandragora that he should hear of this and never know the rest1 your daylight iniquities1 your tipplings1 your monstrous nightly debauches8 ,know you not that an ,emperor has many eyes and many ears8 ,yet your deeds are such as cannot be concealed from the blind or the deaf4 ,i may tell you at once1 as you seem not to know it1 that a man's hopes of the ,imperial favour depend not on his book-bills1 but on his character and daily life4 ,are you counting upon ,atticus and ,callinus1 the copyists1 to put in a good word for you8 ,then you are deceived3 those relentless gentlemen propose1 with the ,gods' good leave1 to grind you down and reduce you to utter destitution4 ,come to your senses while there is yet time3 sell your library to some scholar1 and whilst you are about it sell your new house too1 and wipe off part of your debt to the slave-dealers4 ,you see1 you will ride both these hobbies at once2 there is the trouble3 besides your expensive books you must have your superannuated minions2 you are insatiable in these pursuits1 and you cannot follow both without money4 ,now observe how precious a thing is counsel4 ,i recommend you to dispense with the superfluous1 and confine your attention to your other foible2 in other words1 keep your money for the slave-dealers1 or your private supplies will run short1 and you will be reduced to calling in the services of freemen1 who will want every penny you possess2 otherwise there is nothing to prevent them from telling how your time is spent when you are in liquor4 ,only the other day ,i heard some very ugly stories about you--backed1 too1 by ocular evidence3 the bystanders on that occasion are my witnesses how angry ,i was on your account2 ,i was in two minds about giving the fellow a thrashing2 and the annoying part of it was that he appealed to more than one witness who had had the same experience and told just the same tale4 ,let this be a warning to you to economize1 so that you may be able to have your enjoyments at home in all security4 ,i do not suggest that you should give up these practices3 that is quite hopeless2 the dog that has gnawed leather once will gnaw leather always4 ,on the other hand1 you can easily do without books4 ,your education is complete2 you have nothing more to learn2 you have the ancients as it were on the tip of your tongue2 all history is known to you2 you are a master of the choice and management of words1 you have got the true ,attic vocabulary2 the multitude of your books has made a ripe scholar of you4 7,you love flattery1 and there is no reason why ,i should not indulge you as well as another47 ,but ,i am rather curious on one point3 what are your favourite books among so many8 ,plato8 ,antisthenes8 ,archilochus8 ,hipponax8 ,or are they passed over in favour of the orators8 ,do you ever read the speech of ,aeschines against ,timarchus8 ,all that sort of thing ,i suppose you have by heart4 ,and have you grappled with ,aristophanes and ,eupolis8 ,did you ever go through the ,baptae ,footnote3 ,see ,cotytto in ,notes48 ,well then1 you must surely have come on some embarrassing home-truths in that play8 ,it is difficult to imagine that mind of yours bent upon literary studies1 and those hands turning over the pages4 ,when do you do your reading8 ,in the daytime1 or at night8 ,if the former1 you must do it when no one is looking3 and if the latter1 is it done in the midst of more engrossing pursuits1 or do you work it in before your rhetorical outpourings8 ,as you reverence ,cotytto1 venture not again into the paths of literature2 have done with books1 and keep to your own peculiar business4 ,if you had any sense of shame1 to be sure1 you would abandon that too3 think of ,phaedra's indignant protest against her sex3 ,darkness is their accomplice1 yet they fear not1 ,fear not the chamber-walls1 their confidants4 ,but no3 you are determined not to be cured4 ,very well3 buy book upon book1 shut them safely up1 and reap the glory that comes of possession3 only1 let that be enough2 presume not to touch nor read2 pollute not with that tongue the poetry and eloquence of the ancients2 what harm have they ever done to you8 ,all this advice is thrown away1 ,i know that4 ,shall an ,ethiopian change his skin8 ,you will go on buying books that you cannot use-- to the amusement of educated men1 who derive profit not from the price of a book1 nor from its handsome appearance1 but from the sense and sound of its contents4 ,you think by the multitude of books to supply the deficiencies of your education1 and to throw dust in our eyes4 ,did you but know it1 you are exactly like the quack doctors1 who provide themselves with silver cupping-glasses1 gold-handled lancets1 and ivory cases for their instruments2 they are quite incapable of using them when the time comes1 and have to give place to some properly qualified surgeon1 who produces a lancet with a keen edge and a rusty handle1 and affords immediate relief to the sufferer4 ,or here is a better parallel3 take the case of the barbers3 you will find that the skilled practitioners have just the razor1 scissors1 and mirror that their work requires3 the impostors' razors are numerous1 and their mirrors magnificent4 ,however1 that does not serve to conceal their incompetence1 and the result is most amusing3 the average man gets his hair cut by one of their more capable neighbours1 and then goes and arranges it before their glasses4 ,that is just what your books are good for--to lend to other people2 you are quite incapable of using them yourself4 ,not that you ever have lent any one a single volume2 true to your dog-in-the-manger principles1 you neither eat the corn yourself1 nor give the horse a chance4 ,there you have my candid opinion about your books3 ,i shall find other opportunities of dealing with your disreputable conduct in general4