,h4 ,m4 ,i4 ,illustration ,,macmillan ,,and ,,co41 ,limited ,,london ,,bombay ,,calcutta ,,melbourne ,,the ,,macmillan ,,company ,,new ,,york ,,boston ,,chicago ,,dallas ,,san ,,francisco ,,the ,,macmillan ,,co4 ,,of ,,canada1 ,ltd4 ,,toronto ,h4 ,m4 ,i4 ,,some ,,passages ,,in ,,the ,,life ,,of ,,one ,,of ,h4 ,m4 ,,inspectors ,,of ,,schools ,,by ,e4 ,m4 ,,sneyd-,,kynnersley ,,formerly ,h4 ,m4 ,i4 ,,north-,,west ,,division ,,macmillan ,,and ,,co41 ,,limited ,,st4 ,,martin',s ,,street1 ,,london #aiac ,,copyright ,first ,edition1 #hvo1 ,april #aijh2 ,reprinted ,september #aijh4 ,shilling ,edition1 ,globe #hvo1 #aiaj2 ,reprinted #aiac4 ,,dedication ,to ,e4 ,g4 ,a4 ,holmes1 ,esq41 ,h4,m4 ,chief ,inspector2 and to my late ,colleagues of the ,north-,west ,division1 by whose desire these records were put together2 in ever grateful memory4 ,e4 ,m4 ,s4-,k4 ,,contents ,,chap4 ,,page ,i ,,the ,,beginning #a ,,ii ,,anglesey #e ,,iii ,,vagrant #ac ,,iv ,,llangastanau #be ,v ,,llangastanau3 ,,the ,,library #cd ,,vi ,,llangastanau3 ,,the ,,village ,,school #db ,,vii ,,winding ,,up #ea ,,viii ,h4,m4,i4 #eh ,,ix ,,arcadia #fb ,x ,,arcadia ,,clericorum #gc ,,xi ,,miller',s #hb ,,xii ,,miller',s3 ,,the ,,study #id ,,xiii ,,cheshire #ajf ,,xiv ,,my ,,lords #aaa ,,xv ,,managers #abb ,,xvi ,,school ,,boards #acd ,,xvii ,,children #adb ,,xviii ,,inspectors #aee ,,xix ,,chaunters' #afd ,,xx ,,chaunters'3 ,,the ,,garden #agc ,,xxi ,r4,c4',s #ahd ,,xxii ,,errata #bja ,,xxiii ,,reports #bbj ,,xxiv ,,singing #bbi ,,xxv ,,natural ,,history #bce ,,xxvi ,,composition #bdb ,,xxvii ,,needlework #bej ,,xxviii ,,upheaval #bfa ,,xxix ,,isle ,,of ,,man #bgb ,,xxx ,,release #bha ,h4,m4,i4 ,,chapter ,i ,,the ,,beginning 8,the ,man seems following still the funeral of the ,boy40 ,j4 ,keble4 ,my first acquaintance with the office of ,h4,m4 ,inspector of ,schools dates as far back as #ahed4 ,i was then twelve years old4 ,at breakfast we were informed that the ,reverend ,henry ,sandford was coming on a visit4 8,who1 and what is he80 ,i asked4 8,firstly1 he was the son of our neighbour1 ,archdeacon ,sandford3 secondly1 he was #8,h4,m4,i4'3 that is to say1 one of ,her ,majesty's ,inspectors of ,schools40 8,what do they do80 8,oh1 they travel about the country1 and examine the school-children in the ,national ,schools40 8,travel about80 ,i said wistfully3 8,i should like to be an ,inspector40 ,it was pointed out to me1 with that frankness which is necessary in dealing with the inquisitive boy1 that if ,i wanted travelling ,i had better be an engine-driver4 ,but ,i replied1 with unconscious sarcasm1 that there were certain qualifications needed for the post of engine-driver4 ,thirty years later bitter experience wrested from me the frequent remark that ,i did not find my work hard or disagreeable when ,i was once in school3 all that ,i complained of was the travelling4 ,and there came another curious reminder of the conversation of #ahed4 ,one day1 in the #8eighties1 ,i was lunching with a ,roman ,catholic priest1 and among my fellow-guests was a much-loved ,canon1 who apologized for having omitted his morning shave because he was suffering from neuralgia3 8and10 he added1 8,i have often thought ,i should like to be a ,capuchin ,monk1 so that ,i might be at liberty to grow a beard40 ,being myself a hairy man1 ,i pointed out that ,inspectors of ,schools had the same privilege4 ,but the ,canon promptly retorted that he believed there were certain qualifications necessary for the office of inspector1 and he had never heard that there were any required for being a ,capuchin4 ,this would seem to point to a classification3 #a4 ,engine-drivers4 #b4 ,inspectors of ,schools4 #c4 ,capuchins4 ,from #ahed to #ahga ,i was not interested in ,elementary ,education1 though after leaving ,oxford ,i took some part in ,classical teaching4 ,the storms of ,mr4 ,lowe's ,revised ,code passed over my head3 and the ,elementary ,education ,bill of #ahgj was fought in ,parliament while ,i was sailing home from ,australia4 ,the ,school ,board elections of ,november1 #ahgj1 caused some excitement in the large towns1 but the ,franco-,german war was raging1 and the siege of ,paris was of more general interest4 ,to the supporters of the ,government the ,new ,education ,act appeared to be an admirable measure2 the ,opposition maintained the contrary opinion2 but1 as is usually the case1 the great majority of the people adopted one or the other side without tedious enquiry into details4 ,i think that was my case4 ,in the following year without any warning my destiny began to be shaped4 ,about ,easter there came a letter to my father from our old friend of #ahed1 ,h4 ,sandford1 who was a cousin of ,sir ,francis ,sandford1 ,secretary of the ,education ,department1 and had become a ,senior ,inspector4 ,he premised that certain officers were to be appointed to make enquiries under the new ,education ,act--men who had graduated with honours at ,oxford or ,cambridge--and that the nomination of these was in the hands of the ,district ,inspectors4 ,he went on to enquire whether my father had a son with the necessary qualifications4 ,now at that time ,i was a briefless barrister of something less than two years' standing1 nearly one of which ,i had spent in the aforesaid visit to ,australia2 and the prospect of work with a living wage was alluring4 ,i was assured by my briefless brethren that the solicitors would not miss me1 and that they themselves were able and willing to fill the gap4 ,the offer of the appointment was accepted for me1 and at the end of ,april ,i found myself an 8,inspector of ,returns40 ,to my extreme delight ,i received notice that my work lay in ,north ,wales3 ,anglesey1 ,carnarvonshire1 ,merioneth1 and about a third of ,denbighshire formed the district of my ,chief1 whom ,i was to assist4 ,i was to begin in ,may2 the pay was good2 ,i was twenty-nine1 and in robust health4 ,with such a country what could a man wish for more8 ,the nature of the work was obscure1 but presumably explanations would follow1 and credit might be given to the ,government that the task would be neither dishonourable nor onerous4 ,on an appointed day we were to attend at the ,education ,department at #aa ,a4,m4 to meet ,sir ,f4 ,sandford1 and to receive further instructions4 ,i went accordingly1 starting1 as ,i thought1 in good time1 so that ,i might not begin with a reputation for unpunctuality4 ,but at ,charing ,cross ,i found that there were but three minutes left1 and ,i nervously hailed a hansom to complete the journey4 ,with admirable exactness ,i reached the office door at #aj4ei1 and enquired for the ,secretary4 8,not come down yet1 sir10 said the porter3 8he don't generally get here till half-past40 ,i felt that ,i had found a profession after my own heart4 ,judges sat at #aj2 ,quarter ,sessions' ,chairmen at #i2 and nasty remarks were made1 if counsel by the merest chance in the world happened to be a quarter of an hour late4 ,the cases in which ,i held briefs 7with a fee of #a #cs4 #f;d47 could not contemplate a delay of half an hour2 they were not on that scale4 ,eventually the great man arrived1 and pleasantly greeted the roomful of novices4 ,we got our instructions1 and were promised further information4 ,in the following week ,i began work at ,carnarvon4 ,there1 and in other schools in the district1 we spent a few days1 partly to teach me the rudiments of school work1 partly to arrange a plan of campaign for my special work4 ,it was all new to me1 and ,i could offer no suggestions4 ,but ,i thought of the poor briefless ones whom ,i had left behind me in ,london3 ,westminster or ,guildhall from #aj to #d2 ,temple ,chambers for an hour or so2 smoking-room at the club at night1 with some remarks on the ,tichborne case1 then superseding the ,franco-,german war as a topic of conversation2 and ,i was more than content with my lot4 ,,chapter ,,ii ,,anglesey 8,you do yet taste ,some subtilties of the isle1 that will not let you ,believe things certain40--,tempest4 ,it next became necessary to find out what an 8,inspector of ,returns0 had to do4 ,what were these 8,returns08 ,there was the ,elementary ,education ,act1 #ahgj1 to study1 and there were ,instructions of the vaguest kind4 ,in after years ,i became familiar with many dozens of such documents2 and ,i used to associate them with the words which 78with that universal applicability which characterizes the bard of ,avon0--to quote ,mr4 ,micawber7 ,shakespeare puts into the mouth of ,macbeth3 ,but in these cases ,we still have judgment here2 that we but teach ,bloody instructions1 which1 being taught1 return ,to plague the inventor4 ,it appeared that the ,returns were answers to questions sent by the ,department to every parish in the country2 ,what was the population8 ,what schools had they in the parish8 ,what schools outside the parish did they use8 and so on4 ,when we had verified the answers1 we were to recommend recognition of such schools as we found to be efficient1 and to state what further provision was required1 with detailed suggestions4 ,for ,parliament had decreed that every child should have an efficient school within reasonable distance of his home4 ,this seemed simple4 ,but the word 8parish0 gave us endless trouble4 ,when we speak of a parish1 we think of an ecclesiastical district2 and we picture to ourselves a cluster of houses1 a long street1 and an old church1 with the village inn and a butcher's shop in the background4 ,but ,parliament meant1 or defined1 a civil parish2 that is1 a finite area in which a separate rate can be collected4 ,in most parts of ,england the difference is immaterial2 but in ,anglesey1 and sometimes in other places1 we were baffled at the outset4 ,the people had long ago left the old centres1 and had settled down where four cross-roads met1 or near the railway station1 or near a quarry1 or a mine4 ,there they had put up two chapels1 three beer-shops1 and a general store3 they had called the place after the bigger chapel1 ,moriah1 or ,carmel1 or ,bethesda2 and1 except for a wedding or a funeral1 they ceased to go up to ,jerusalem4#a ,now ,moriah was nearly always on the edge of two or more civil parishes1 and if it wanted a school1 the two or three parishes would have to pay for it1 though they might have perfectly efficient schools of their own in the old centres4 ,this of course roused protests4 ,then there came another stumbling-block4 ,if a school were ordered1 it would probably be built and managed by a ,school ,board2 and in ,anglesey the members of the ,board would be five men whose opinion on a pig might be accepted1 if the pig belonged to a perfect stranger1 but on school matters the pig's opinion would be equally valuable4 ,a third trouble4 ,these parishes were often so small that one could not hope to see a competent ,board1 unless several parishes were united4 ,but the parishes would often rather die single than live united to their next-door neighbours4 ,i cannot forget the fury of the ,rector of ,llantwyddeldwm1 when it was proposed to yoke him unequally with ,llantwyddeldy1 and to build a joint school for the two parishes4 ,lastly came the great question of rates4 ,all the ,dissenters were determined to have ,school ,boards elected everywhere2 and1 to calm the minds of the small-souled brethren who feared for their pockets1 word had been passed round that the rate could not exceed #c;d4 in the pound4 ,to prove this they appealed to the declarations of ,mr4 ,gladstone and ,mr4 ,forster1 and to ,section #ig of the ,education ,act4 ,that ,section is nineteen lines long in the official copy1 and there is nothing bigger than a comma by way of relief from beginning to end4 ,in the seventh line occur the words 8#c;d4 in the pound40 ,who can blame a ,welshman imperfectly acquainted with ,english1 if after diving into this sea of troubles he came up gasping for breath1 but firmly clutching the comfortable words ,,threepence ,,in ,,the ,,pound8 ,finding that ,i was a barrister1 and supposing in the innocence of their hearts that this implied some knowledge of the law1 the combatants frequently appealed to me2 and ,i assured them1 with all the self-assurance of the briefless1 that the ,section did not limit the rate3 it merely provided an aid-grant for poor parishes4 ,and it happened that ,i was right4 ,when1 in the 'nineties1 they came to pay rates of from one to three shillings in the pound1 they must have said a good deal4#b ,our instructions said no word about any of these special difficulties4 ,but the difficulties faced us everywhere we went1 and caused us no little perplexity4 ,at the same time the discussion roused much interest among the leaders of the contending parties1 as we moved about from centre to centre4 ,i think it was the most stormy month of my official life4 ,there were few compensating pleasures4 ,anglesey is not a good county for an uncommercial traveller4 ,in #ahga it was almost wholly unknown to the ordinary ,briton4 ,travellers to ,ireland were whirled through twenty miles of desolation between the ,straits and ,holyhead4 ,yachting men knew the beautiful coast facing the ,straits4 ,occasionally a ,liverpool steamer full of sea-sick tourists called at ,beaumaris4 ,once ,john ,bright visited that dreary capital1 admired the fine view of the ,snowdon range1 and deplored the deadness of the town4 ,finding that the landlord was a ,baronet1 he snorted1 and described it as 8withering in the cold shade of aristocracy40 ,also1 of course1 thousands of trippers visited the great bridges4 ,but the interior was1 and is1 wholly uninteresting1 and the fine sea-coast was at that time almost inaccessible by land1 and had no accommodation for summer visitors4 ,the roads1 except the great ,london and ,holyhead road1 were generally atrocious1 and there were only three or four places where a carriage could be hired4 ,trees1 even hedges1 were rare1 and there was no shelter from the frequent gales4 ,marshes and moorland divided villages apparently connected4 ,who could ask a child to go to school across a mile of wind-swept 8morfa0 or 8rhos08 ,i was told the current1 and recurrent1 anecdote of the ,tutor of ,jesus ,college1 the ,welsh ,college of ,oxford4 ,jones1 of ,jesus1 asked how it was that ,tacitus spoke of ,anglesey as 8insula umbrosa10#c whereas nowadays there is hardly a tree to be seen inland4 ,and the ,tutor replied deprecatingly1 8,well1 you know1 ,mr4 ,jones1 it's rather a shady island still40 ,also ,william ,williams1 ,ysgol-feistr1 had said that in most parishes there was 8not a stick in the place except the parson40 ,the inhabitants of this terra incognita were themselves incognitiores2 for even the travellers who knew the railway and the coastline had no dealings with the people4 ,in those days ,anglesey was almost wholly ignorant of ,english4 ,our dealings lay1 of course1 chiefly with the clergy and the parish overseers2 but the latter usually brought their own ministers and elders to support them4 ,then the proceedings raged lengthily in the vernacular3 my chief1 or his assistant1 conducted the enquiries3 8,druidaeque circum1 preces diras sublatis ad caelum manibus fundentes0 7as ,tacitus said of their ancestors7 denounced the ,catechism1 while ,i looked on and yawned4 ,thanks to the freehold tenure of ,church ,benefices1 the island was in the hands of the ,chapel4 ,there were practically only two ,dissenting bodies in ,anglesey2 the ,calvinistic ,methodists and the ,congregationalists4 ,the ,wesleyans locally were a small body4 ,the ,calvinists1 like the ,wesleyans1 were an offshoot from the ,church1 forced out by the folly of its rulers4 ,they held all the vital doctrines of the ,church1 and1 even now1 could accept the ,thirty-nine ,articles and the ,liturgy as freely and with the same mental reservations as an orthodox ,low ,churchman4 ,an intelligent ,calvinist told me that 8,calvinistic0 had ceased to be anything but an epitheton ornans3 but that may have been merely his own position4 ,i imagine there is no difference in doctrine between the ,calvinists1 the ,congregationalists1 the ,presbyterians1 and the ,wesleyans2 but their views on ,church government vary4 ,however this may be1 and my ideas on the subject are very hazy1 there is no doubt that the ,chapel forms part of the ,anglesey life1 as the ,kirk 7of whatever sort7 does of the ,scottish life4 ,but it does not produce the ,scottish virtues1 and the ministers of that date1 #ahga1 were not morally1 intellectually1 or educationally of the ,scottish type4 ,certainly ,truth and ,honesty were not well cultivated1 or else the soil was bad4 8,the ,chapel has stood between ,wales and ,heathenism40 8,the ,chapel stands between ,wales and ,religion40 ,these are the rival cries1 and the reader may choose which he prefers4 ,there is no freehold in the ,chapel pulpit3 a minister who was carried out of the 8,king's ,arms0 would have short shrift4 ,and morality is not the only rock on which the preacher may strike4 ,during the ,south ,african ,war ,i was spending a ,sunday at a ,welsh watering place1 and after lunch ,i was talking to the landlord at the door of the hotel4 8,see that chapel80 he said3 8they had a new minister this morning2 preached his first sermon2 turned out to be a pro-,boer1 and preached against the war4 ,they had a meeting in the vestry after service1 and gave him the sack before dinner4 ,smart work1 wasn't it80 ,wales is chapel-ridden1 but it is not priest-ridden3 the wary minister adopts the platform of ,the ,cause3 and there is a tendency to put ,the ,cause above the ,great ,first ,cause4 ,certainly there was a lamentable want of truth and honesty in the 8,returns0 investigated by us in #ahga1 and made by1 and under the influence of1 these ministers and elders3 and also in their ordinary school statistics4 ,these schools were always known as ,british ,schools2 and in theory they were carried on in connexion with the ,british and ,foreign ,school ,society1 one guiding principle of which was that the children should have plain1 undenominational ,bible teaching4 ,up to #ahga the inspection of ,elementary schools was carried on by three sorts of ,h4,m4 ,inspectors4 ,the ,church schools were inspected by clergymen2 the ,roman ,catholic schools by ,roman ,catholic laymen2 and the other schools by laymen1 of whom the best known was ,matthew ,arnold4 ,in ,wales the ,british ,schools in receipt of ,government grant were not numerous2 and ,north ,wales was grouped with ,lancashire and ,cheshire4 ,as a rule their inspector lived in ,london1 and1 except when he paid his annual visit1 they saw nothing of him4 ,nor indeed had he1 ,i believe1 before ,may1 #ahga1 the right to enter the doors without due notice4 ,and as the managers were for the most part unlearned men1 whose interest lay chiefly in the balance sheet1 the schoolmaster farmed the whole concern--that is1 he took the children's school pence1 the annual grant1 and the subscriptions1 and paid the expenses1 retaining the remainder for his salary--or1 alternatively1 he had a salary varying with the grant4 ,in either case his income depended on the regular attendance of the children3 for the grant was paid in part on the unit of average attendance1 and in part on the success in examination of each child who had attended #bej times4 ,all these statistics were recorded in registers1 and it is easy to see that there were many temptations to fraud and few checks4 ,in one case the master of a large ,british school confessed to me that he had had no registers for three months3 he had recorded the attendance in copybooks and he was 8going to transcribe them40 ,the religious instruction which these worthies were supposed to give--and ,i believe that up to #ahga it was a condition precedent of the ,code grant in all schools1 as it certainly was an essential feature of ,british schools--often seemed to have been dropped4 ,in one case ,i asked casually and unofficially what the arrangements were1 and the master told me he read a chapter of the ,bible every morning4 8,in ,english or in ,welsh80 8,oh1 in ,english10 he replied eagerly2 for ,welsh was discouraged by ,my ,lords4 8,and do the children understand it80 8,well1 no1 indeed2 but it is just while they are coming in1 and it doesn't matter40 ,i made no remark4 ,we were forbidden to make any enquiry4 ,a charge freely brought against these schools was that when the ,british school inspector came down from ,london1 capable children likely to earn a grant were passed on from school to school to be examined under the names of less capable children on the books of the recipient school4 ,the story was generally believed1 and special precautions were taken to thwart the conspirators4 ,detection would be almost impossible1 for children in the bulk are much alike1 and in ,north ,wales few are so eccentric as not to be called by one of the six names1 ,jones1 ,evans1 ,hughes1 ,davies1 ,williams1 ,roberts4 ,also the inspector would be always in a hurry1 and always ignorant of ,welsh1 and enquiries could hardly be made4 ,but ,i am bound to say that ,i never came across an instance of this particular fraud4 ,the only authentic case within my knowledge occurred in a ,church school in ,liverpool1 where an inspector who had the royal gift of remembering faces1 recognized a number of children whom he had seen in another school4 ,let it be said for the manager's sake that he was asking for recognition only1 not for grant4 ,recognition1 quotha6 ,well1 he got that4 ,i believe the trick is more common in flower shows4 ,it will be gathered from the foregoing account that ,i was not favourably impressed by the islanders1 though in many cases 8the barbarous people showed me no little kindness40 ,this opinion was not confined to visitors4 ,i received a letter from a resident1 who gave me much help in my work1 speaking doubtfully of the chances of success in dealing 8with these ,cretan people40 8,cretan08 or was it 8crtin08 ,no3 clearly ,c-r-e-t-a-n4 ,crete is an island--ah1 ,i have it-- 1 1 4 ,i might add 8,cretensis incidit in ,cretenses02 the ,anglesey man is down on the ,anglesey men4 ,but ,i would rather not translate the ,greek4 ,you will find it in ,st4 ,paul's letter to the first bishop of ,crete1 ,chapter ,i4 ,this1 of course1 is all ancient history4 ,more than a generation of men has passed1 and the new generation may be vastly different4 ,moreover1 there was a revival in the island not long since4 ,the people are changed in heart4 8,do you think a ,tory candidate will be returned at the next election1 ,mr4 ,jones1 ,ynys ,fn80 7,mona's ,isle74 8',deed1 ,i don't know2 yes1 perhaps1 ,i think40 ,,footnotes3 #a ,thus1 to take a few prominent cases1 ,colwyn ,bay1 ,bethesda1 ,portmadoc1 ,barmouth1 ,bala were known officially as parts of the civil parishes of ,eirias1 ,llandegai--,llanllechid1 ,ynyscynhaiarn1 ,llanbedr1 ,llanycil respectively4 #b ,the ,blue ,book of #aijb gives the following returns3-- ,county ,boards ,rates over #i;d4 ,highest ,lowest 7school owning7 ,anglesey #cd #bj #bc;d4 #dd;d4 ,carnarvon #cj #bj #bee #ae ,merioneth #bj #ae #bfh #ei ,in ,anglesey the expenses of administration were #hej #aas4 #b;d4 ,in #ahhb two parishes in ,carnarvonshire1 ,criccieth1 and ,llanllyfni1 levied rates of #cid and #dd pence respectively4 7,see ,blue ,book1 #ahhc47 #c ,but ,i cannot find the phrase in the ,annals xiv4 #bi2 or in the ,agricola4 ,,chapter ,,iii ,,vagrant 8,sports like these ,in sweet succession taught e'en toil to please40 ,goldsmith4 ,so we fought a hard fight for two months or more1 and began to see our way more clearly4 ,it was then that ,i learned a lesson1 which lasted me through my official life and did me much good service3 the advisability of taking the public into one's confidence4 ,people like to know what is going on2 and1 if there is to be disagreement1 it is better to have it early1 when explanation will generally put matters right or effect a compromise4 ,at that time this was a hateful doctrine in the eyes of ,whitehall officials3 they said it 8led to correspondence40 ,my experience is in the opposite direction3 why should men write letters if they know the facts8 ,if official inference from the facts is wrong1 they ought to write4 ,i lived to see the 8free and open0 policy generally adopted1 and commended by ,my ,lords4 ,for this reason in our enquiry we#d took the local magnates into counsel4 ,choosing some place central for two or more parishes1 we invited the incumbent and the overseers to meet us4 ,the incumbent brought the landowners1 and the overseers brought the chapel dignitaries4 ,from this collected wisdom we got all the information we wanted1 and sometimes good advice4 ,above all1 we got confidence2 for those present saw and heard all the information that was given us3 they learned the requirements of the ,act1 and were told exactly how far their district went towards satisfying the law4 ,confidence is a plant that for special reasons grows slowly in that land2 and occasionally there were outbursts of fury2 but1 as we shall see later1 the result was that our recommendations were received with hardly a single murmur4 ,through these meetings sometimes one made friendships which lasted for years3 less often one met men1 whom1 it was a consolation to think1 one would never meet again in this world1 or 7with good fortune7 in any other world4 ,sometimes in out of the way corners of the earth there were odd incidents which abide in the memory and after all the long interval blossom into mirth4 ,a dull ,june day1 with cold rain hanging about3 a medival gig1 and an indigenous driver1 lineally descended from ,caliban1 and all but monoglott4 ,we meet an aged clergyman1 and ,caliban touches his hat4 8,who is that80 ,i ask1 to make conversation4 8,well1 they call him ,menander40 8,menander8 ,what does that mean80 8',deed1 ,i don't know10 was the natural and national answer4 ,menander--,greek poet--never read a word of him--must have been dead #b1jjj years3 perhaps he came to ,north ,wales4 ,wasn't there an ,early ,father of that name8 ,i think ,i confused him with ,neander1#e though ,i could give no account of ,neander then or now4 ,but why8 ,and who8 ,a parson2 perhaps an officer of the ,church4 ,thus ,i mused4 ,then ,i put it to the driver3 did he think it was the ,welsh for a rural dean8 8,well1 yes1 ,i think10 said he1 obviously having no idea what ,i meant4 ,on arriving at our meeting-place ,i told my chief that ,i had met ,menander1 and that ,i had ascertained that he was so called in virtue of the office of rural dean4 ,he roared4 ,i suppose the story is told of me to this day in ,ruridecanal chapters4 ,the holy man was a bard1 and ,menander was his bardic name2 when he wrote poetry for an ,eisteddfod1 he took that for a pen-name4 ,another dull cold day in ,september4 ,we had assembled at a spot convenient for several parishes1 and many local heads had been summoned4 ,but the district was not interested in schools1 and only one incumbent and two or three farmers met us on the top of a low hill overlooking the affected area4 ,we soon settled our business1 and were about to return1 when the ,major appeared4 ,he was the squire1 and his interest in schools was not his ruling passion4 ,we explained matters1 and it became apparent that the ,major was not a total abstainer3 he had been shooting1 and seemed to have found it thirsty work4 ,the question with him was1 ,would we come to lunch8 ,we accepted with qualms4 ,it was most unfortunate1 the ,rector said1 but he had another engagement1 and he fled4 ,we went to the ,hall1 and the ,major joined us in some trifling alcoholic refreshment as a stop-gap1 for it was still early4 ,we surveyed the grounds1 and enjoyed the ,major's conversation4 ,it appeared that he was a many-sided man4 ,ares1 ,dionysus1 and ,aphrodite were among his idols1 and 7like ,paris7 he preferred the last-named to ,athene4 ,eventually we lunched1 and to our alarm the ,major began with champagne1 and finished up with port4 ,i say advisedly 8finished10 for during dessert1 with a hasty apology1 he retired2 and after an awkward interval the butler appeared with a timid suggestion that we should go away1 as 8we had sewn the ,major up40 ,we stopped only to disclaim the plain sewing3 there were many stitches put in before we took the garment in hand4 ,we learned afterwards that the unfortunate man had received some injury to the head in active service1 and that his brain could stand no unusual pressure4 ,i never saw him again3 the inevitable end came within twelve months4 ,another ,september day4 ,the school-room where we met was rather full1 and ,i gathered that there was a special grievance4 ,the parishioners disclaimed any knowledge of ,english1 and a brisk conversation in ,welsh followed1 while ,i filled up forms4 ,after some time ,i asked my colleague what it was all about4 8,oh1 the usual thing3 the ,conscience ,clause1 and the ,catechism1 and they want a ,school ,board40 8,tell them the usual thing3 must adopt the method prescribed by the ,act40 ,but a more animated discussion ensued3 what was the matter8 8,they say the ,rector lives in the school-house1 and keeps his pig in the girls' playground40 ,i turned on the ,rector1 who was listening with some alarm1 and asked him whether this were true4 ,he admitted it4 ,where else was he to live8 ,there was no parsonage4 ,a man must live somewhere4 8,je n'en vois pas la ncessit10 ,i quote to myself4 8,and the pig80 ,well1 yes1 sure2 there was the pig there2 but where else was he to put it8 ,i was wroth1 and told him emphatically that he might keep it in the church for anything ,i cared4 ,the monoglott meeting roared with laughter4 ,they had followed the conversation with some ease--for monoglotts4 ,i fully expected a formal complaint to the ,office from the aggrieved ,rector4 ,but he was too much frightened4 ,another autumn visit brought me to the parish of ,llandudwal4 ,the ,chapel party were aggrieved1 and unfolded their piteous tale4 ,weeks ago they had brought over the ,clerk to the ,guardians1 and had had a statutory meeting1 at which they had passed a resolution in favour of a ,school ,board1 and had written to the ,education ,department3 and yet there was no ,board ordered4 ,i explained that my functions were limited to enquiry3 ,i had no executive powers3 they should 8call him louder40 ,then the story went out of my front brain to that dark chamber at the back1 where so much lumber lies unsuspected4 ,but in the course of the next year ,i happened to be studying the ,educational affairs of ,llandudwal1 and sent for the file containing its annals4 ,a flash of light lit up the lumber4 ,there are two ,llandudwals2 one in ,a4 shire1 the other in ,b4 shire4 ,llandudwal ,a1 which ,i had visited1 had voted for a ,board1 and the application was filed with the papers of ,llandudwal ,b4 ,the latter had not asked for a ,board2 but when they were informed that their prayer was granted1 and that they were to elect a ,board on the #beth prox41 they thanked ,heaven for a ,liberal ,government1 and like ,obedient ,yemen1 ,answered ,amen1 ,and did ,as they were bid4 ,for twelve months they had lived1 though not yet born1 and had1 no doubt1 levied a rate to pay for their illegal election4 ,full of horror ,i broke it gently to a magnate at ,whitehall4 ,he laughed consumedly1 and said ,wales was a strange country4 ,a general ,act of #ahgc cured this and all other similar irregularities4 ,but think of the humour of it6 ,time would fail me to tell of other journeys3 bright ,may days with the fresh green of the larch on the hillside1 and the glories of the chestnut and the wild flowers in the valleys4 ,hot ,june sunshine with azalea1 and honeysuckle1 and rhododendron2 and the cool sea-breeze at night4 ,july and ,august with the tripper in the land2 crowded hotels1 and noisy table d'hte dinners2 the grass is brown1 and the trees have taken a uniform tint1 and the rivers are low2 except when torrential rains have fallen for three days1 and made the ,swallow ,falls to rival ,niagara4 ,september comes1 and the tripper ceases from tripping2 the trees begin to put on their own colours again1 and their autumn robes are magnificent3 by the middle of ,october they are blazing in red and yellow2 and towards the end of the month there is often snow on the hills1 and below the snow the bracken is red4 ,then came wild drives in ,welsh cars--a sort of clumsy 8governess-cart10 now almost extinct--through rain and storm to remote villages in ,merioneth1 and ,denbighshire valleys2 and then frost and snow2 and all travelling became a burden4 ,trains were very few on the ,cambrian line in winter4 ,the hotels were empty1 but how glad the proprietors were to see any one6 ,how amiable was the ever amiable landlady6 ,could ,i have a sitting-room8 ,yes1 sure1 there was ,no4 #a4 ,and a car to-morrow8 ,yes1 indeed1 to go anywhere4 ,and ,dobbin was reclaimed from the agricultural operations to which he had been devoted since the fall of the tripper4 ,there was one journey from which ,i confess ,i shrank1 and ,i regret it to this day4 ,off the far west coast of the ,carnarvonshire peninsula called ,lleyn1 beyond the cape called ,braich-y-,pwll1 lies ,bardsey ,island4 ,it is approachable by sailing-boat1 if wind and tide are favourable2 the distance from ,aberdaron is about four miles1 and one might choose one's day4 ,but1 ,i was warned1 if anything went wrong with the wind1 ,i might be kept on the island for a week3 ,baedeker did not mark the principal hotel with a star of approval4 ,the population was about fifty-two2 there should be eight children of school age4 ,there was a king2 the queen was dead4 ,say one king1 no queen1 eight knaves1 the rest plain2 a strange pack4 ,if ,i went there1 and was detained for a week1 ,i should have to charge the ,treasury something over #af for wages1 railways1 carriages1 and boats2 there would be reams of letters about it1 and a ,radical ,m4,p4 might bring it up in the ,house4 8,can't you let it alone80 said ,lord ,melbourne3 so ,i did4 ,but the next year ,i reported the facts to ,whitehall4 ,meanwhile the ,vice ,president had ruled that if the number of children anywhere1 for whom no school accommodation was or could conveniently be provided1 were less than twenty it was negligible4 ,and it was agreed that the ,bardsey ,king should take the trick1 and the ,deuce might take the ,eight4 ,q4,e4,f4 ,even on dry land travelling was not always simple4 ,one day a kind-hearted ,rector1 hearing that my intended route was more than usually difficult1 offered to mount me and personally conduct me next day4 ,to my dismay he arrived after breakfast with a horse for himself1 and a ,shetland pony for me4 ,as ,i am1 like ,rosalind1 8more than common tall10 it was like riding a safety bicycle1 the stirrups taking the place of pedals for my feet4 ,it was a wet morning1 and the road was very hilly2 my mackintosh covered my steed1 and nearly touched the ground4 ,the ,rector rode behind me1 convulsed with laughter1 and commenting on my appearance4 ,but one must not look a gift ,shetland pony in the mouth4 ,we were due at ,tyn ddingwmbob at #aj ,a4,m41 and we arrived at #ab4ae4 ,the school which ,i was to inspect had adjourned to dinner1 and there was only a fat ,vicar waving a large gold watch at me4 8,pray1 sir1 is this official punctuality80 ,but ,i threw the blame on my guide1 and when my steed had been surveyed1 and measured1 the excuse was admitted3 peace was made1 and we lunched at the ,vicarage4 ,everywhere hospitality was abundant4 ,the clergy fed me on old port3 the dissenting ministers on their choicest butter-milk4 ,the squires offered me cigars3 the elders an orthodox brand of ,anglesey tobacco1 which would have soon repelled ,suetonius1 if the ,druids had been in a position to try it on him2 and which was called 8tobacco yr achos10 or 8tobacco of ,the ,cause40 ,here ,i should not omit to say that the port wine was a serious question to a moderate man4 ,especially in ,anglesey there lurked danger in the bowl4 ,some of the ,college incumbents had so far profited by a ,university education as to have acquired a pretty taste in vintages4 ,one of these excellent men1 having feasted me royally1 after dinner brought out a bottle of port that remembered ,tract #ij4 ,we finished the bottle3 if ,i drank my share1 and ,i feel sure ,i did my best1 ,i must have had five glasses4 ,the ,rector rose to ring for another bottle4 ,i implored him to have mercy3 ,i had to get back to my hotel1 and my appointment was tenable only during good behaviour3 what if ,i were found in the gutter8 ,the good man looked at me more in anger than in sorrow3 8,well10 he said1 8you are the first man ever dined here that didn't like my port40 ,the laity were not behindhand4 ,arriving at one village where ,i had hoped to meet the usual incumbent and overseers1 ,i found the squire only4 ,he told me that no one else was coming2 and that ,i was to come at once to the ,hall to discuss the school supply1 and to dine and sleep4 ,it was some one's birthday and relations were there to honour the occasion4 ,the subsequent proceedings reminded me of ,dean ,ramsay's ,scotch stories4 ,we had much port2 many bottles3 and we wound up with ,family ,prayers4 ,i forget who read them3 8it wasn't me40 ,i only remember the ,squire throwing in #8,amens' far more frequently than had been contemplated by the compiler4 ,we all got safely to bed1 and as ,i was not offered the chance of smoking1 and did not expect another invitation to the ,hall1 ,i had a final pipe out of my bedroom window1 risking detection1 as ,i feasted my eyes on the beauty of the ,june night4 ,did my host glare at me in the morning1 or was it my guilty conscience8 ,tobacco was often glared at in those days4 ,with one possible exception all that festive party has passed away1 and the tale may be told4 ,these were oases in the desert of a life spent in hotels4 ,and yet there is much fun in the desert1 when there are good fellow-travellers4 ,in those days at hotel dinners we sat at long tables1 instead of the 8separate tables0 now general in this country3 and at dinner1 or in the smoking-room1 one picked up many pleasant acquaintances4 ,it was not always hotels2 sometimes it was inns1 and the inns gave one more insight into the life of the country4 ,there after dinner we usually adjourned to the bar-parlour as a smoking-room1 where the local chief citizens would assemble to discuss the affairs of their neighbours4 ,it was in such assemblies that ,i learned how little importance is attached to a surname in ,wales4 ,we all know that hundreds of years ago people in ,england acquired surnames by adding to their ,christian name the name of their house1 or of their town1 or of their trade1 or what not4 ,thus ,john of ,chester became ,john ,chester1 and ,william the ,miller became ,william ,miller1 thereby being differentiated from ,william ,tailor4 ,in ,wales1 the process was on other lines4 ,john1 son of ,william1 was ,william's ,john1 or ,john ,williams4 ,but the next generation reverted3 ,william1 son of ,john ,williams1 became ,william ,jones1 because he was ,john's ,william4 ,this may still be the custom in remote parts of ,wales4 ,it was not extinct in ,west ,carnarvonshire in #ahga1 where an incumbent told me of the difficulty he had in explaining the method to the ,admiralty1 or the ,board of ,trade1 when his seafaring parishioners got drowned4 8,if ,william ,jones was the son of this ,john ,williams1 who claims to be next of kin to the deceased1 how is it that he was called ,jones1 and not ,williams8 ,i am to request that a declaration may be filed40 ,i can imagine the annoyance of a ,government ,office at this departure from the normal4 ,but as the possible ,welsh surnames were limited to the derivatives from possible ,christian names1 it followed that they ceased to be sufficiently distinctive1 and the local habitation1 or the trade had to be appended to the surname1 as in ,england it was once appended to the ,christian name4 ,i once asked a friend whether ,john ,davies1 whom we had just left1 was any relation to ,william ,davies1 whom we had seen a week ago4 8,none whatever10 he said2 8what makes you ask80 8,chiefly the name being the same40 8,ah10 he replied1 8,i suppose in ,england you would draw that inference3 in ,wales it would never occur to a man to do so40 ,in a country inn you might hear1 8,have you heard that ,john ,jones1 ,ty ,gwyn1 is dead8 ,i met ,william ,roberts1 the ,gas1 and he told me4 ,john ,jones' daughter1 you know1 married the son of ,evan ,davies1 the ,bank1 that used to live at ,tyn-y-mynydd1 and they built a house at ,cwm-tir-,mynach1 which used to belong to ,mrs4 ,captain ,roberts1 ,garth2 and ,william ,roberts1 the ,gas1 is her son40 ,then the company identified ,john ,jones4 ,once1 when ,i was inspecting a ,welsh school1 being disturbed by the hum of conversation1 ,i called out to a ringleader1 8,john ,jones1 don't make such a noise40 ,the master looked up in surprise2 pondered1 and then sidled up to me3 how did ,i know that the boy's name was ,john ,jones8 ,i retorted that ,i didn't know1 but that it seemed likely4 ,it turned out that ,john ,jones was the boy's name1 and that there were seventeen ,john ,jones' on the list4 ,i was firing into the brown4 ,in one part of the district there were seven clergymen bearing the same name1 incumbents of seven consecutive parishes4 ,but each had an agnomen1 and no one ever confused ,mr4 ,davies1 ,llanfihangel1 with ,dr4 ,davies1 ,llanfairfechan1 or either with ,john ,davies1 ,llanfor1 who wrote indifferent poetry under the bardic name of ,job4 ,in these inns we varied gossip with occasional gambling4 ,once to oblige three hungry players ,i took a hand at whist4 ,we played long whist for penny points1 and we counted 8honours1 spots1 and corners40 ,honours were honours3 spots1 ,i think1 meant the ace of spades2 and ,i am inclined to believe that corners denoted the 8,jack of trumph0 7knave of trumps72 but ,i plead the ,statute of ,limitations on behalf of my memory4 ,i know we played till closing time1 and ,i won tenpence4 ,an ardent gambler with a slender purse and a weak heart might try ,north ,wales4 ,at another such inn ,i gathered that gambling is a perilous pastime1 when you do not know your fellow gamblers4 8,there wass three young men0 said a sort of an ,elder to me in the smoking-room1 8that wass very desirous to play cards1 and they could not get an-ny one to play with them3 and1 while they were waiting for some one1 you know1 there ca-ame in a stranger that offered to play with them4 ,and he sat down0--here the ,elder's voice sank1 and he glared at me like the ,ancient ,mariner--8and it is truth that ,i am telling you1 he won from them every penny that they had in the world1 and went awa-ay with the money2 and 7molto misterioso7 they say he wass the fery living spit and image of----0 7and he named a famous ,baptist preacher74 8,was it ,satan0 7,i asked7 8in this unlikely garb8 ,why did he #8make up' like that angel of sweetness and light8 ,if it was the preacher revenant1 how did he acquire this skill in cards8 ,did he cheat1 or did he exhibit supernatural skill8 ,what game was it8 ,if whist1 why did not his partner score also8 ,think it was ,nap1 or ,loo8 ,then why did they insist on a fourth man80 ,but the ,elder knew no more about 8the famous victory0 than did old ,kaspar of ,blenheim4 ,at another inn1 where ,i called for such lunch as one can get in country inns1 ,i found a small party of villagers1 and the arrival of a strange ,saxon produced a momentary silence4 ,this was broken by the oldest inhabitant1 who seemed to be impressed by my length of limb4 ,evidently he was the ,mercury1 or chief speaker3 8,fery high10 said he4 ,i admitted the charge4 8,yes1 sure3 going to rain1 think you80 ,i disclaimed special knowledge1 but remarked that the glass was going down4 8,ah1 weather-glass80 said the old man1 after an interval for mental translation4 8,there wass an old man1 ,john ,jones1 ,llanfair1 fery old-fashioned man1 had a weather-glass2 and one time he wass wanting to get in his hay1 and the glass go up1 up1 up1 and the rain come down1 down1 down1 and at last ,john get quite mad1 and he ta-ake the glass and go to the door1 and hold it up to the rain1 and he say1 #8,there1 now1 see for yourself4'0 ,i repaid him with laughter4 ,i suppose the villagers knew that story from their cradles1 but they laughed a gentle welcome to an old friend4 ,mercury was encouraged to further efforts4 8,another time it came on to rain worse than that time1 and the river wass above the bank1 and wass carry off all the hay that wass lying about2 and ,john ,jones wass trying to sa-ave it1 but it wass all carried away1 and he say1 #8,,tad ,,anwyl6 7dear ,father71 take the rake and fork too1' and he throw them into the river4 ,fery old-fashioned man1 ,john ,jones1 ,llanfair40 ,alas6 my train came in sight1 and ,i had to run1 leaving the tale of ,john ,jones1 like ,cambuscan's1 half told4 ,there might be ,tales of my ,landlords also1 for in the late autumn one saw much of them4 ,it was my privilege to visit the ,school ,board whereof ,harry ,owen of ,pen-y-gwryd1 was a member2 ,owen1 beloved of ,charles ,kingsley1 ,tom ,taylor1 and ,tom ,hughes4 ,are not his praises written in ,two ,years ,ago8 ,strange to find a man out of a novel serving on a ,school ,board4 ,at that time his visitors' book still contained the verses written by the three above-mentioned heroes1 which may be found on page #die1 vol4 i41 of ,c4 ,kingsley's ,life4 ,owen was warned to cut out the page1 and frame it1 as had been done with ,dean ,buckland's geological note in the ,beddgelert book2 and he promised to do so2 but at my next visit it was gone4 ,some one1 said1 on ,i know not what authority1 to be an ,american1 had cut out the page1 and carried it off4 ,another landlord's memory ,i cherish1 though ,i conceal his name1 because he told me a precious anecdote3-- 8,i took a few friends in a landau over the pass last week1 and on the way we came to ,mr4 ,william ,hughes1 ,rector of ,llansgriw2 you know ,mr4 ,hughes8 and ,i told my friends we would go in there for a minute1 just to get a rise out of the old fellow3 so in we went4 #8,morning1 ,mr4 ,hughes1' ,i said1 #8just driving round2 thought we would give you a call1 and ask how you were4' 8#8,very glad to see you1 ,mr4 ,jones1 and your friends1 too1 ,i am sure4 ,will you take a glass of sherry this cold morning8' 8,of course we said we would1 and he went off to the cellar1 and came back with a bottle1 and filled our glasses4 ,i took one mouthful of it1 and said3-- 8#8,i see you've taken the pickles out1 ,mr4 ,hughes4'0 ,one more word4 ,how did ,i get on without knowing the language8 ,i have often been asked the question4 ,in the official enquiries ,i had1 as ,i have said1 the good fellowship and support of ,mr4 ,e4 ,roberts1 late ,h4,m4,i4 in the ,carnarvon district1 who saved me from many perils then1 and now has added to my debt of gratitude by correcting the fragments of ,welsh quoted in these pages4 ,in travelling it was very seldom that ,i was inconvenienced1 though ,i often got no reply to my questions but 8,dim ,saesneg0 7no ,english74 ,and that never failed to bring to mind the simple-hearted ,balliol don1 whose lament over the rude profanity of the ,welsh peasants it was the delight of his pupils to extract by judicious questioning3 8,when ,i was in ,wales ,i regret to say that ,i was not favourably impressed by the manners of the people4 ,if at any time in the course of a walk ,i applied to any one for information1 ,i always received the reply #8,sassenach1' which1 ,i believe1 means #8,englishman1' coupled with an expression that ,i should be very sorry to repeat40 ,,footnotes3 #d ,here and throughout this chronicle 8we0 stands for the ,inspecting ,staff4 #e ,i have since ascertained that ,neander was not an ,early ,father1 but a ,german theologian4 ,,chapter ,,iv ,,llangastanau 8,o good old man2 how well in thee appears ,the constant service of the antique world40 ,as ,you ,like ,it4 ,on a dreary day in ,october ,i had to visit one of the remote villages high up in the moorland district4 ,the wind howled1 and the rain beat down pitilessly1 as my ,welsh-car jolted me1 and swayed me to ,llangastanau#f ,rectory1 where ,i had been invited to spend the night4 ,i was by no means sure of comfortable quarters1 for ,i had never seen my host3 his invitation came through my chief4 ,but the alternative course1 a long drive in the early morning to the parish school1 was still less attractive1 and ,i made up my mind to take college port1 or butter-milk1 as the case might be4 ,when the car turned off the bleak road into a sheltered drive leading up to a solid-looking house1 with gleams of light in the windows1 and smoke issuing from several chimneys1 my spirits rose3 and when ,i saw the neat-handed ,phyllis at the door1 and behind her a scholarly1 yet sociable face beaming over a well-lined waistcoat1 ,i felt that ,i was in for a good thing3 the lot had fallen unto me in a fair ground4 ,there was no ,mrs4 ,rector--there is much to be said for celibacy of the clergy--and we made our way to a library with a bright leaping fire of logs1 and the most admirable furniture that a library can have1 two arm chairs1 a long table1 and three walls lined with books4 ,as for seats other than the arm chairs1 one remembers the remark of--was it not the visitor to ,charles ,lamb8--8all the seats were booked40 ,on each chair was a pile of volumes taken down from the shelves1 and not replaced3 so free and careless is the celibate life4 ,but ,phyllis ,jones eyed them scornfully as she passed1 and during dinner they were all 8put back0 where ,phyllis thought they would fit in4 ,even the celibate life is not all free4 ,my bedroom was equally enticing4 ,is it wicked to enjoy hearing the wind moan1 and the rain beat against the windows1 when you have a good fire burning in the grate1 and there are ,red ,curtains to the windows1 reflecting the glow8 ,i never see red curtains without thinking of that wild night4 ,before leaving me to dress1 my host informed me of ,rule #a of the house3 8,smoking is allowed in every room in the house1 except the drawing-room20 and ,i had a delicious pipe and a snooze before dinner4 ,on reaching the drawing-room aforesaid ,i was told whom ,i should meet4 ,first1 there was the ,squire--who1 by-the-bye1 had wanted to have me at the ,hall1 but the ,rector would not hear of it1 8though he was painfully well aware that ,i should be far more comfortable there40 7,laughter and dissent47 ,the ,squire1 ,john ,trevor1 had been the ,rector's pupil at ,oxford2 they had kept up their friendship1 and the ,squire had given him the living2 one of the best fellows in the world4 ,with the ,squire would come ,david ,williams1 ,vicar of ,llanbedr1 formerly at a public-school with the ,squire4 ,at ,oxford they had parted2 ,david had been tempted by a ,welsh scholarship to ,jesus ,college2 the ,squire and my host were at ,st4 ,peter's4 ,david was another of the best fellows in the world1 and also one of the most humorous4 ,thirdly1 ,mr4 ,morgan1 the ,rector of ,llanfair-castanwydd-uwch-y-mynydd1 which ,i might call ,llanfair for short1 was coming1 because he really wanted to see me about his ,school ,board2 a most worthy man1 and an eminent bard and philologian4 ,men called him ,the ,druid4 ,and lastly1 might he introduce his nephew1 ,harry1 formerly a scholar of ,st4 ,peter's1 and now1 after taking a degree that satisfied even the ,president1 much engaged in developing the ,squire's slate-quarries4 ,the ,rector added no praises of ,harry1 but it was sufficiently plain that the nephew was the apple of the uncle's eye4 ,and a more charming 8rosy-cheeked apple0 ,i never saw4 ,had ,harry got up the wine as directed8 ,yes1 he had2 and in a low voice he recounted his auxiliary forces4 ,there were1 he said doubtfully1 two of ,no4 #f4 ,who was coming with the ,squire8 ,what1 ,dafydd ,nantgwyn8 ,ah-h4 ,and he turned to me4 ,did ,i know ,mr4 ,williams1 ,vicar of ,llanbedr8 ,i replied that ,i had met him officially4 ,why did he call him by some other name8 8,what1 ,david ,nantgwyn8 ,don't you know the story8 ,do you know ,nantgwyn ,junction1 where you change trains1 if you want to go to ,llanfihangel1 you know80 ,i admitted so much4 8,well1 you remember1 the train waits there for six minutes1 while the engine runs on to ,llanfihangel with one carriage to pick up passengers1 and brings them back to hook on to the train at ,nant4 ,there is no refreshment room at ,nant ,station1 but the wary traveller with a thirst knows that there is just time to run #bej yards to the #8,black ,lion1' to get a glass of beer1 to drink it1 and to run back to catch the train4 ,david was there last month4 ,he was wary1 and thirsty2 and he ran to the #8,lion1' and shouted #8,glass of beer1 please1 ,mary bach'2 but a bagman had outstripped him1 and had already ordered his beer4 ,so just as ,david spoke1 the bagman's beer was served4 ,david banged down his twopence and drank the bagman's beer joyfully4 #8,sir1' said the bagman1 #8that was my beer4' ,by that time ,mary had drawn ,david's beer and had put it in front of him4 8#8,was it8' said ,david2 #8then this is mine4' ,and he drank that too4 ,the engine whistle was heard in the distance1 and they both had to nip back to the station4 ,david was triumphant1 and now they call him ,dafydd ,nantgwyn4 ,here he comes40 ,the ,squire arrived with his guest4 ,i was introduced4 ,the ,squire looked doubtfully at me1 and formally regretted that he had been unable to have the honour of entertaining me4 ,warming a little1 he added that he had heard dreadful things of me4 ,was ,i not engaged in forming ,school ,boards everywhere8 ,what was to become of the farmers when the rates went up again8 ,i laughed1 and threw the responsibility on the ,education ,department4 ,i was only a servant4 ,but he had also heard that ,i had said at dinner in ,carnarvonshire that if a man had more than a certain income1 the balance should be given to the ,exchequer4 ,he was glad to find that ,i had named #ej1jjj a year1 which left him untouched2 but it was a dangerous doctrine4 ,i dimly remembered some such obiter dictum at some one's house1 but this was1 ,i think1 the first time in my life that ,i had heard of any importance being attached to a remark of mine4 ,in the smoking-room at the ,club1 in chambers at the ,temple1 or at ,bar ,mess1 one might propose the confiscation of ,grosvenor ,square for the benefit of briefless barristers1 and no one would object2 nay1 much advice as to details would be offered4 ,it seemed that an ,inspector of ,returns must weigh his words4 ,official life has its drawbacks4 ,while ,i was thus musing the ,rector of ,llanfair was announced1 and our party was complete4 ,a little man1 round1 quick in eye and movement1 and with that 8tip-tilted0 nose which is sure evidence of enjoyment of a joke4 ,friar ,tuck with the accent of ,sir ,hugh ,evans of ,windsor4 ,i forgot to say that 8,david ,nantgwyn0 had greeted me as an old friend4 ,i had lunched with him at ,llanbedr1 when ,i visited his parish2 and had laughed at his ,welsh stories till ,i could laugh no more4 ,a fellow of infinite jest1 of most excellent fancy4 ,alas1 poor ,yorick6 ,what was he doing in that galley8 ,we went in to dinner1 and as ,i passed by ,i heard ,harry mutter to ,david1 8,sut yma ,dafydd ,nantgwyn80 7,how is ,david of ,nantgwyn87 and there was a scuffle4 ,it is good to dine at ,llangastanau4 ,the trout came out of the burn2 the ,welsh mutton was a native growth2 the game1 if ,i may judge from a smile passing from host to squire1 came from the ,hall4 ,the port was from the college cellars1 and ,st4 ,peter's has a reputation4 ,these delicacies1 or the like1 might be got in ,london2 but ,david and the ,druid were local and priceless3 it did one good to look at the ,squire and ,harry2 and the ,rector would have adorned--not ,lambeth1 but a choicest ,deanery4 8,if there was many like him10 said ,mrs4 ,gamp1 8we shouldn't want no churches40 ,we talked of many things1 wheeling round1 and lighting here and there2 for ,i was a stranger1 and all that they knew of me was that ,i was a ,socialist1 and probably a ,turk1 ,infidel1 or ,heretic2 otherwise ,i should not have been sent down there by ,,that ,government4 ,but by some chance remark it was found that we had ,oxford as a common nursing mother1 and we did better4 ,the ,rector was thirty years my senior4 ,he was of ,mr4 ,gladstone's standing1 and had been one of his ardent supporters3 now mourned his decadence4 ,the ,squire preceded me by ten years2 ,david was very slightly his junior2 ,harry was five years my junior2 thus we covered thirty-nine years4 ,still the ,squire was rather distant1 till in the course of our memories ,i let fall something which inclined him to believe that our views of the ,prime ,minister's policy coincided4 ,after that he became most friendly4 ,it is better1 as ,mrs4 ,malaprop remarked1 to begin with a little aversion4 ,he 8took a glass of wine with me0 in the old ,oxford fashion1 and we got on capitally4 ,where had ,i been last week8 ,i told him4 ,had ,i seen old ,micaiah ,roberts there8 ,i thought ,i had1 but there were two or three ,robertses4 8,did you see ,mrs4 ,micaiah80 said ,david2 8they say that she lost her wedding-ring last year1 and went to her husband to get a new one3 8#8,micaiah1 ,i've lost my wedding-ring4' 8#8,well1 ,mrs4 ,roberts1 what of that8' 8#8,won't you get me another1 ,micaiah8' 8#8,no-a1 ,mrs4 ,roberts1 ,i will not2 your a-age and your personal appearance will preserve you from insult4'0 ,the ,druid was hot on the scent4 ,had ,i heard about ,micaiah's son8 8,some one asked ,micaiah what he was going to do with his two sons4 ,he said1 #8,the eldest will be a solicitor1 if he can get his articles4 ,the other will go into the ,church1 like his father4' 8#8,but that will be costly1 my dear sir4 ,shall you send him to ,oxford8' 8#8,no-a1 sir1' replied ,micaiah1 #8he will become a ,nonconformist preacher2 then after a year or two he will go to the ,bishop and say1 8,my ,lord1 ,i haf seen reason to change my opeenionss1 and ,i wish to be ordained10 and the ,bishop will ordain him1 and gif him a living moreofer4'0 ,david turned to me4 8,the ,druid doesn't love the ,bishop2 says he is a 7,welsh expression--,i think #8,hwntw drwg' or #8bad man from yonder'72 that is what we call the ,south ,walians2 and he says the ,bishop's accent is lamentable40 ,the ,druid admitted his dislike4 8,the ,bishop couldn't say #8,hollalluog' 7,almighty7 to save his mitre2 and he is worse than ,jeroboam2 he makes priests of the lowest of the people4 ,five ,calvinist preachers has he ordained in two years2 the last couldn't speak decent ,english2 he was reading the ,second ,lesson in church the other day1 and he came to the chapter in ,st4 ,luke1 you know1 where it says #8there came down a storm1 and they were filled with wt-ter2 and were in'--7he was following the words1 you know1 with his fat1 greasy forefinger1 and he stopped suddenly1 and went on slowly1 as if the ice were thin7--#8gee-o-par-dy4' ,english or ,welsh1 the ,bishop is no good40 8,druid1 ,druid10 said the good ,rector gently4 ,i saw he did not like to hear the ,chief ,ruler thus spoken of1 or his dissenting brethren scornfully entreated4 8,you must remember that we don't get the pick of the chapel for our converts40 8,no1 indeed10 said the other1 quite unabashed1 8nor of the schoolmasters either4 ,have you met ,william ,williams1 ,rhos1 yet1 ,mr4 ,inspector8 ,he went to preach a ,harvest ,festival sermon for old ,howell the other day4 ,mr4 ,howell1 you know1 ,rector of ,llanfochyn1 is rather an old swell10 he added1 for my information1 8and ,williams was a ,british schoolmaster44440 8,and an excellent young man10 interposed our host4 8,oh yes1 indeed1 ,i was not saying anything against him2 ,i would not do it whatever2 but he is not quite of the same ways of acting as old ,howell10 said the narrator1 pleading for his story4 8,well1 he came1 and he preached a very excellent sermon1 ,i am sure2 and whilst they were in the church a storm came on1 and when service was over it was still raining very hard1 and ,howell said1 #8,look here1 ,williams1 you can't go home in this weather1 let me put you up at the ,rectory to-night4' ,of course he was much obliged1 and they had supper1 and so on1 and then ,howell showed ,williams his bedroom1 and there was a nightshirt1 you know1 and everything1 they thought2 and ,williams1 when he was asked whether he had got all he wanted1 says1 #8inteet it iss fery kind of you1 ,mr4 ,howell2 eferything1 thank you1' and they said #8good-night4' ,but in about five minutes ,howell comes back1 and knocks at the door2 #8,sorry to disturb you1 ,williams1 but it occurs to me that you would not have a tooth-brush1 and ,i have brought you one4' 8,williams took it1 and looked at it1 and he says1 #8,well1 indeed1 ,mr4 ,howell1 it is very kind of you1 and ,i am much obliged2 yes sure2 but ,i do feel that ,i am depriving you and ,mrs4 ,howell of it4'0 ,the ,druid could hardly have found a more appreciative audience4 ,notably the ,rector gasped for breath1 and wiped away many tears of pure delight4 ,harry and ,david ,nantgwyn 7,i have already got into the habit of speaking thus of him7 shouted for joy1 like the morning stars2 and the ,squire chortled in his glee4 8,llanfochyn is becoming famous10 said the ,squire2 8it was in that parish that a very remarkable sermon was preached one week-night in ,july4 ,the orator was a local preacher in ,zion ,chapel1 and the congregation were farm labourers1 male and female4 ,after some short preliminary exercises1 he began3 8#8,well1 my friends1 you have all been busy in the hay to-day1 and instead of a sermon let us take some of the principal ,bible characters1 and see what we know of them4 ,there was ,moses3 what shall we say of ,moses8 ,he was man for meekness4 ,and then there was h'm1 h'm1 ,samson3 ,samson slew a thousand men with the jawbone of a lion3 was it lion8 ,yes1 ,i think3 well1 he was man for strength4 ,then there was ,samuel 444 and ,david 444 and ,solomon3 ,solomon had #cjj wives1 and h'm1 h'm3 he was man for marriage4 ,and there was ,jonah3 was three days and three nights in the belly of a whale3 what shall we say of ,jonah8 ,he was man for fish4 ,and now1 c41 c4'0 ,i thanked the ,squire warmly1 for he had told the story well4 ,but1 as he truly remarked1 the song wants singing2 write it down on paper and it is nought4 ,there was a short lull in the conversation while we ate1 and chewed the cud of the ,llanfochyn sermon4 ,i turned to my neighbour1 the ,druid3 8,have you been long at ,llanfair1 ,mr4 ,morgan80 ,i asked1 hoping to draw him out4 8,thirty years3 ever since ,i was ordained4 ,i went there as curate at first1 and my rector never came near the place4 ,i was only a deacon1 of course1 and the first ,sunday in every month ,i would go down to ,rhosfawr1 and ,john ,evans1 ,rhosfawr1 would take my service1 while ,i took his4 ,and the first ,sunday ,i was there1 we began1 as usual in those days1 with the ,morning ,hymn1 and the choir in the chancel sang it1 and then we went on reading2 but ,i was quicker than ,john ,evans1 being a young man1 and when we got to ,te ,deum there was no singing4 ,i looked about1 and there was no choir1 and ,i heard the clerk say 7in ,welsh1 you know7 to a lad1 #8,go down to the #8,red ,lion1' and tell them that the little chap they have got from ,llanfair has read so quick that they must come back and sing ,te ,deum4' ,and it seemed that there was a door at the back of the chancel1 and every ,sunday the men would go out after the hymn1 and stop at the #8,red ,lion' till it was time to sing again4 ,but ,i was too quick for them whatever4 ,i could give ,john ,evans 7he added modestly7 down to #8,pontius ,pilate1' and beat him40 ,this anecdote was evidently an old favourite with the party1 and it was duly honoured4 8,had any trouble with ,richard ,jones1 ,ty'n-y-felin1 lately1 ,druid80 asked ,harry1 ,i think1 to draw him out once more4 ,mr4 ,morgan chuckled4 8,he won't have anything to say to me for a month or two1 now4 ,last week after the equinoctial gale--you remember8--the roof of my church had suffered a little1 and ,i was going down to the builder to see about it1 when ,i met ,richard ,ty'n-y-felin4 #8,good morning1 ,mr4 ,morgan1' he said1 #8wass blow fery hard last night3 got slates off your church roof1 they tell me8' 8#8,yes1' ,i said1 #8,i'm on my way to ,moses ,jenkins to get it mended4' 8,he leered at me with horrible malice and cunning3 #8,wass no-a sle-ates off our chapel roof1 ,mr4 ,morgan4' 8,i leered back at him3 #8,d'ye think1 ,risiard1 the ,prince of the power of the air would unroof his own chapel8' ,and he fled40 8,too bad1 too bad10 protested the ,rector feebly2 for he had laughed with the rest1 though all unwillingly4 8,too bad for ,richard ,jones10 murmured ,david to me4 8,well1 ,i am not so bad as ,dr4 ,johnson1 whatever10 retorted the ,druid4 8,i was reading last week how ,boswell found him throwing snails over his garden wall40 8#8,sir1' remonstrated ,bozzy1 #8that is rather hard on your neighbour4' 8#8,sir1' replied the ,doctor1 #8,i believe the dog is a ,dissenter4'0 ,the ,rector rose from his chair with marked disapproval4 8,shall we go into the study80 he said4 ,and we adjourned4 ,,footnotes3 #f ,llangastanau3 ,castanau is the ,welsh for chestnuts3 ,i cannot imagine how the parish got its name4 ,i saw no chestnuts1 and ,i ought to know one4 ,,chapter ,v ,,llangastanau3 ,,the ,,library ,dissolve frigus ligna super foco ,large reponens1 atque benignius ,deprome quadrimum ,sabina1 ,o ,thaliarche1 merum diota4 ,horace1 ,od4 ,i4 #i4 ,heap high the logs1 and melt the cold1 ,good ,thaliarch2 draw the wine we ask1 ,that mellower vintage1 four-year old1 ,from out the cellar'd ,sabine cask4 ,conington4 ,i found that the ,rector had a quaint custom1 a survival of his ,common-room days at ,st4 ,peter's4 ,dinner was in the dining-room2 ,wine with the eponymous chestnuts was served in the library1 and it was an older bin than ,horace offered to his guests4 ,we sat in a half-circle before the fire1 and each man had a small table in front of him4 ,there was even a mimic railway1 copied from the ,st4 ,peter's ,common-room1 to carry the decanters across the fireplace1 under the mantel-shelf4 ,but at the dining-room door my host stopped me1 and at the same time signalled to the ,druid to stop4 ,with many apologies he explained that the schoolmaster1 ,mr4 ,evans1 whom ,i was to inspect next morning1 was very anxious to see me just for a moment1 if ,i would oblige the worthy man4 ,mr4 ,morgan1 who was one of the managers1 would accompany me4 ,of course ,i consented1 and we went into another room4 ,as we passed through the hall ,i noticed that the ,rev4 ,david gave the master a kindly greeting1 and that the latter returned it with a respectful but reproachful smile4 ,our business was entirely uninteresting1 and in fact might have well been postponed to the morrow2 but ,i had already learned that in country schools the ,annual ,inspection was the event of the year1 and the filling up of ,form ,,ix4 7the school statistics supplied to the ,department7 was like the settling of a marriage contract4 ,two minutes sufficed to pacify the master1 and ,i bade him good-night4 ,as ,i was leaving the room1 however1 ,i heard him say to the ,druid3 8,you have ,mr4 ,williams1 ,llanbedr1 here to-night1 ,mr4 ,morgan4 ,fery pleasant chentleman3 eferybotty likes ,mr4 ,williams1 indeed4 ,did you hear about ,capel ,zion8 ,oh it wass too bahd40 ,and he stroked his beard with intense enjoyment4 8,capel ,zion8 ,no1 what was it80 asked the ,druid eagerly4 8,stop1 ,inspector1 this is good for the digestion40 8,well indeed it wass too bahd10 repeated ,evans4 8,you know ,capel ,zion1 ,mr4 ,morgan1 that they have built between ,llanbedr and ,llanfawr8 and just before it wass finished1 ,mr4 ,williams wass riding past the chapel door1 and saw that they were putting up a board with a text painted on it1 and it wass #8,t ,gweddi y ,gelwir ,fy nh i'2 that is1 sir 7he explained to me71 #8,my house shall be called the ,house of ,prayer4' ,so ,mr4 ,williams looks at it1 and just then ,meshach ,morgan1 the deacon1 you know1 came out1 and ,mr4 ,williams says1 #8,morning1 ,meshach3 pity to haf it painted like thaht3 it will want doing again efery two years in this valley3 why not have it carved on slate8' #8,too much money1 ,mr4 ,williams1' says the deacon4 ,but ,reverend ,williams says1 oh1 he should like to have the pri-vi-ledsh of presenting the new chapel with a suitable text like thaht1 out off the ,book that they all valued 7thaht wass bahd for ,meshach1 because he would not haf it in the ,board ,school at the last meeting71 just to show his friendship for his ,nonconformist brethren4 ,and so it wass settled4 ,mr4 ,williams goes down to ,dolgellau and orders a slab of slate to be carved1 and he gives the man a copy of the text3 and after a time it comes1 and the ,capel ,zion congregashun were very proud of it1 and efery one praised the ,vicar for being so liberal to those from whom he differed1 and the ,herald bach 7,carnarvon ,herald7 praised him too4 8,but one day ,elias ,morgan1 ,felin-ddu1 wass riding by the chapel after dining with the ,captain1 and they say he had had a glass or two--well1 it is a peety--and he sees the deacon there1 and calls out1 #8,hallo1 ,meshach1 ,hen ,ogof ,lladron6'--that iss1 sir1 #8old den of thieves'--and he points to the slab4 ,well1 ,meshach ,morgan looked up1 and all in a moment it came to him what it wass1 when he saw the slab1 and the text3 there it wass ofer the door3 #8,t ,gweddi y ,gelwir ,fy nh i2 eithr chwi a'i gwnaethoch yn ogof ,lladron4' ,that iss1 sir1 #8,my ,house shall be called the ,house of ,prayer1 but ye have made it a den of thieves4' ,oh1 it wass too bahd2 and now they don't know what to do with the slahb whatefer4 ,well1 good-night now1 gentlemen10 and he went4 ,the ,druid lay back in a low chair1 and kicked his little fat legs in the air1 screaming with suppressed joy1 but anxiously looking round to see whether the ,rector was within hearing4 ,i think ,i enjoyed the story no less4 ,there are moments when life is worth living4 ,we made our way to the library1 and found that our host was waxing impatient4 ,the chestnuts were getting cold4 8,castan da iawn0 7first-rate chestnut7 said the ,druid with a reminiscent chuckle1 and we sat down to the ,college port4 8,old wine1 old friends1 old books10 murmured the ,rector1 and the squire grasped his hand with a tear of affection in his eye4 8,old jokes too1 eh8 hen ,castan10#g said ,david4 8,hen ogof lladron10#h replied the ,druid in a low voice1 and they both looked nervously to see whether the ,rector was listening4 ,happily he was absorbed in meditation4 ,i wondered at times whether there had been some tragedy in his life1 leaving him a lonely man4 ,but it was not my business4 8,good old chap1 ,evans10 said the ,squire3 8parish couldn't get on without him2 but he gets bothered a bit when you fellows come round every autumn4 ,runs the school from nine to four2 keeps the accounts of a small quarry1 and of a ,co-operative ,store at night3 measures land for the farmers on ,saturdays40 8,helps me with my figures on ,saturdays1 too10 murmured ,harry1 whose education had been severely classical4 8,runs ,sunday ,school on ,sundays1 and plays the organ in ,church10 continued the ,squire4 8,with approximate accuracy10 added ,harry in a carping spirit2 8gets a foot on the wrong pedal now and then40 ,it seemed that ,harry was choirmaster2 and choirmaster and organist are like ,bishop and ,dean4 8,extraneous duties3 hard work10 said ,i professionally4 8,but good pay10 pleaded the ,rector3 8one way and another he gets not less than #bej1 with house1 garden and coal40 ,i admitted that this was better than the ,bar2 but a man who could measure an irregularly polygonous field with a semi-circular bulge in it was worth all that4 ,david ,nantgwyn sagely remarked that some of these men were better than others4 ,harry interpolated the offensive comment that this differentiation applied equally to ,vicars4 ,david waved him aside with an 8,avaunt1 stripling10 and proceeded with a recent painful experience4 ,his school had been vacant1 and a man had applied with a testimonial from the ,rural ,dean1 deposing that ,mr4 ,a4 ,b4 was equally admirable whether you regarded him as a schoolmaster or as a ,christian--8rather implying1 you know1 that they are separate walks in life0--in the former capacity he was most efficient2 in the latter he was exemplary4 ,david went to see the ,rural ,dean1 and asked his real opinion of ,a4 ,b4 ,the reply was that ,a4 ,b4 was a reprobate person3 he had been dismissed for a series of offences1 culminating in brawling in church with suspicions of intemperance4 8,but1 ,good ,heavens10 ,david had objected1 8you stated in black and white that he was #8equally efficient' and all the rest of it40 ,the ,rural ,dean was entirely unabashed3 8that was only a tes-ti-mo-ni-al40 ,i remarked that this sin was not confined to the ,principality4 ,an ,english ,inspector had told me a story of a school manager who came to him at the inspection about the middle of ,october with a lamentable account of the schoolmistress4 ,visiting the school a few days back he had found that the mistress was absent2 and on calling at her house he had found her dead drunk4 ,she had been but recently appointed1 chiefly on the strength of an excellent character from a clerical neighbour4 ,he added that this giving of false testimonials was immoral and unneighbourly4 78,whether you regard him as a ,christian or a neighbour10 suggested ,david aside1 and ,i accepted the amendment47 ,the inspector agreed1 and suggested that he should prosecute his friend and get him six months4 ,the manager said he should hardly like to do that1 but it was a scandal4 ,meanwhile the inspector had been glancing at what we call ,form ,,ix41 the paper that ,evans brought just now1 and on page four he read3 8,qu4 7#d7 ,are the managers satisfied with the teacher's character1 conduct1 and attention to duty80 ,the answer was 8,,yes40 8,quite so10 the official said1 in continuation of the discussion1 8but ,i think if ,i were you ,i would modify the answer to that question10 and he laid an incisive finger on ,qu4 7#d74 ,the manager was not at all abashed4 8,that refers10 he retorted1 8to her conduct up to the end of the school year1 ,september #cj4 ,it was on ,october #g that ,i found her so drunk40 ,my modest contribution to the gaiety of the evening was received with the courtesy due to a stranger1 and many similar stories followed4 ,the ,squire1 who in those dark days before the invention of county councils had to give many votes in the appointment of officials1 besides his own considerable share as landlord1 and quarry-lord1 was strong on the moral side4 ,the ,druid and ,david were lamentably lax4 ,what were you to do when a poor beggar1 or 7still worse7 a half starved widow1 demanded a testimonial for himself1 herself1 or son8 8,what ,i do10 said ,david1 the ,oxford casuist1 8in such cases1 is to ignore the special exigencies of the post4 ,a man comes to me for help to get a place as organist4 ,i know he can't play any more than your ,evans2 so ,i dilate on his moral character1 his tenor voice1 and his excellent business capacity4 ,the appointer looks at the signature1 and says #8,excellent man1 ,mr4 ,williams1 ,vicar of ,llanbedr2 glad to find he speaks so highly of you1' and ten to one the man is appointed merely by reason of my superabundant merits40 ,much plain speaking followed this audacious assertion1 and all talked at once for some minutes4 ,the ,squire effected a diversion by enquiring about the expected visit of a common friend named ,jenkins1 a returned missionary1 who was to preach for his ,society next ,sunday4 ,david also knew him2 had entertained him as a guest at ,llanbedr a fortnight before2 and in turn had been entertained by him with anecdotes of his deputation tour4 8,in ,august he was staying with ,hugh ,hughes1 ,pen-y-garth1 and ,hugh had kept him there for three days1 so cheery a guest was he4 ,on the ,monday they had started over the pass to collect some subscriptions from the farmers2 it was very hot1 and old ,hugh is a bad walker3 when they had got about half-way1 ,hugh stopped him and said with his delightful stammer1 #8,i s-say1 w-w-what do you think this f-f-fellow will give8' 8#8,five shillings1 ,i should say4' 8#8,w-well1 l-look here2 here's five shillings2 l-let's g-go home again4' ,and they went home4 8,hugh admitted that he was not interested in missionary work4 ,he added that the only ,society he subscribed to was the ,patagonian ,mission4 ,jenkins naturally enquired why he selected that one4 8#8,because they tell me1' said ,hugh1 #8that the ,p-p-patagonians eat all the m-missionaries4' ,jenkins declared that was worthy of ,sydney ,smith40 ,the ,druid lit a cigar with thoughtful care4 8,we want a missionary in my parish10 said he deliberately2 8some of my people are heathens4 ,last week ,i met ,william ,roberts1 ,tan-y-fron3 you know him1 ,mr4 ,trevor8 and after a little talk--,i wanted him to subscribe to the school--he says to me3 #8,well1 indeed1 ,mr4 ,morgan1 ,i don't believe there is a ,god at all4' 8#8,singular thing1 ,roberts1' ,i said1 #8but ,i have a cow in my field of the same opeenion4' ,oh1 he wass mahd40 ,this led to an acrimonious discussion on 8,christian ,missions10 all leaning forward in their chairs and filling and lighting their pipes with feverish haste2 the ,druid and ,david pessimist1 the ,rector optimist1 the ,squire benevolent1 for1 as he remarked1 if the missionaries don't do much good1 they don't have much of a time out there2 and he waved a comprehensive hand over the earth beyond ,wales4 ,harry and ,i pulled out of the stream1 and filled up a whisky and soda to last till peace should be declared4 ,and ,harry told me of his strange life up in the hill-country1 where the joy of living atoned for the loss of ,oxford society4 ,the ,rector was the finest old chap in the world2 the ,squire was a rattling good sort1 and gave him a free hand2 some of the quarrymen were first-rate fellows2 of course they wanted a lot of looking after1 and an ,englishman would have a rough time of it1 but he himself was a ,welshman1 and he knew their little ways4 ,then there was fishing1 and there was shooting1 and he was always fit4 ,and so on1 till the war of words ended1 and the ,druid came for his whisky1 and sat down by my side4 8,you seem to have some remarkable parishioners1 ,mr4 ,morgan10 ,i remarked with deference2 8but ,i gather that you get the better of them40 ,he was much flattered4 ,he admitted that he was too many for them4 ,when he first came there1 he confessed it was uphill work1 but he had learned by ex-pee-ri-ence1 and he prolonged the word to indicate the time required for his complete education4 ,it was in the autumn1 after he came to ,llanfair1 that a young man came to him one ,saturday evening1 and asked him 7in ,welsh7 8to cry the nuts in church next morning40 8,well1 of course1 ,i did not like to let him know that ,i did not understand1 and ,i asked a few questions about it2 in the end ,i found that his mother had an orchard full of nut-trees1 and the nuts were ripe1 and ,i was to give out after the ,second ,lesson that an-ny one that took them1 you know1 would be prosecuted by law40 8,with the ,banns of ,marriage8 ,and what did you do1 ,mr4 ,morgan80 ,he smiled in a superior manner4 8,i told him it wass no use for me to cry the nuts to the people that were in church2 they would not touch his nuts2 it wass the people outside that wanted to be told40 ,what an admirable doctrine6 and what simplification of sermons it would produce if generally promulgated4 ,but most congregations prefer to 8,compound for sins they are inclined to0 in the manner indicated by ,butler4 8,i suppose the population is scattered in your parish80 ,i rashly remarked4 ,the ,druid seized his opportunity1 and drew up his chair nearer to me4 8,well1 yes1 my dear sir1 that is what ,i wanted to speak to you about4 ,it is like this4 ,llanfair-castanwydd-uwch-y-mynydd--that is the ,church of ,st4 ,mary of the chestnut trees on the mountain1 and ,harry there calls me #8,old ,chestnuts1' and ,i tell him if there were no chestnut trees there would be no chestnuts1 that is castanau1 you know--well1 the parish is divided in two3 there is ,llanfair-castanwydd-uwch-y-mynydd-uchaf 1 that is the upper part1 and we call that ,moriah1 because of the big chapel up there2 and there is uwch-y-mynydd-isaf1 that is the lower part at the foot of the mountain1 and they call it ,llan2 that is where the church is4 ,well1 the chapel folk in ,moriah say----0 ,but at this moment--sic me servavit ,apollo--,phyllis ,jones1 parlourmaid1 announced the ,squire's carriage1 and the others1 who had been watching my bewilderment with much delight1 rose from their arm-chairs and came around us1 laughing uproariously4 8,come with me1 ,mr4 ,morgan10 said the ,squire2 8,i will put you down outside your gate40 8,don't go1 ,druid10 protested ,harry1 8don't be put down2 the ,rector will put you up4 ,the inspector doesn't yet understand which is #8uchaf1' and which is #8isaf1' and how can you expect him to make it clear to those fellows in ,london8 ,stop1 and ,i will lend you a tooth-brush40 ,the ,druid saw the lead and followed suit4 8,thank you1 ,harry10 he said1 8but ,i will not deprive you and the ,rector of it40 ,and so they vanished into the night4 ,,footnotes3 #g ,old chestnut4 #h ,old den of thieves4 ,,chapter ,,vi ,,the ,,village ,,school 8,you must wake and call me early1 call me early1 mother dear2 ,to-morrow'll be the happiest day of all the glad ,new ,year40 ,conceive1 oh ye inhabiters of towns1 a condition of existence so devoid of incident that the annual inspection of the village school is the event of the year4 8,never comes the trader02 never comes ,wombwell or ,sanger2 the ,bishop holds no ,confirmation here1 and the ,eisteddfod keeps afar off4 ,to this people ,october is the first of months1 because of the 8,xaminashun40 ,september is the long ,vigil1 during which1 in spite of late harvest1 truants are hunted up1 cajoled1 threatened1 bribed to complete their tale of #bej attendances4 ,rising early1 and so late taking rest1 the teachers struggle with their little flock4 ,the third week comes1 and the post is watched with keenest anxiety4 ,has the day been fixed8 ,surely he won't come on the ,first6 ,surely he won't keep us in suspense till the last week6 ,suppose it rains6 ,suppose they get the measles6 8,suppose there is an earthquake10 says the ,rector cheerfully4 ,the children do not look so far ahead1 but when the actual day is fixed they catch the infection1 and weary their mothers with speculations of probable success1 possible failure4 ,the eve of the awful day brings a half-holiday1 on which the school floor has its annual wash3 but the children hang about the playground and the school gate2 for even blackberrying has lost its charm to-day4 ,do they lie awake at night8 ,i doubt it1 but ,i have no knowledge4 ,certainly they rise early1 and clamour for early breakfast4 ,do they1 like ,falkland at ,newbury1 8put on a clean shirt to be killed in08 ,there1 again1 ,i have no information2 but ,i know that it is a day of best frocks1 of ribbons1 above all of ,,boots4 ,and the ,inspector8 ,the children1 nay1 possibly the youngest teachers1 think 7like ,poor ,peter ,peebles71 8,i have not been able to sleep for a week for thinking of it1 and1 ,i dare to say1 neither has the ,lord ,president himsell40 ,alas6 at ,llangastanau the inspector wants yet ten years to teach him the most needful lesson1 that what to him is 8,wednesday's job0 is the day of the year to them4 ,he sleeps a solid eight hours' sleep1 and dreams that he is playing football with ,harry and the ,druid4 ,in #ahga school inspection was1 as a science1 still in its infancy4 ,the chief function of ,h4,m4 ,inspector was to assess the amount which the ,treasury should pay2 and this was done by rapid examination of every child above seven years of age who had attended #bej times in the school year4 ,those who had made less than the specified number usually came to school to see the stranger2 but in most cases they were rewarded for their habitual truancy by being sent home as soon as the great man arrived4 ,whereby they got a holiday1 with the additional relish of thinking that the good children were on the rack4 ,the children under seven were1 and are1 called infants4 ,there was a grant of #hs4 7or #ajs4 if the teacher was certificated7 for these sucklings1 if they were present4 ,if the weather was so bad that they could not come1 or if they got measles1 whooping cough1 chicken-pox1 scarlet fever1 or any other of the dreadful list1 and were unable to appear1 the grant for the absentees was lost4 ,the principal function of the ,inspector in an ,infant ,school was to call over the names of the children on the ,schedule4 ,he might go on to hear them sing2 and1 if he were an enthusiast1 he might carry his enquiries to any length4 ,the instructions issued by the ,department advised that 8every fourth child in the first class should be called out and strictly examined40 ,but even in my greenest days ,i cannot remember that ,i was so green as to obey that recommendation4 ,a little experience taught me that infants should be left in the hands of their own teachers1 and that the inspectors should look on4 ,my ,lords had not discovered this in ,may1 #ahga1 when they issued ,circular #aa4 ,it was seldom that the examination of the elder children went beyond the three elementary subjects commonly known as the ,three ,r's4 7,what philosopher was it who first found out that reading1 writing1 and arithmetic all begin with ,r8 ,think of him as a time-saver67 ,but a town school might hunt up a few boys1 who in ,oxford parlance ambiebant honores in geography1 grammar1 history1 or mathematics4 ,there was an extra grant for a child who 8passed0 in one of these luxuries1 but ,circular #ah safeguarded the public purse by requiring that the examination should be on paper4 ,to express themselves intelligibly on paper was far beyond the powers of these mute inglorious ,miltons4 ,as for investigation of methods of teaching1 or of causes of weakness in any subject1 such refinements were but just beginning to be known4 ,the great aim of inspector1 teacher1 and children was to finish by #ab4cj at the latest4 ,our plan of campaign was delightfully simple4 ,most of the children were in the two lowest standards4 ,these were supplied with slates1 pencils1 and a reading-book1 and were drawn up in two long lines down the middle of the room4 ,they stood back-to-back1 to prevent copying1 and did dictation1 and arithmetic1 sometimes dropping their slates1 sometimes their pencils1 sometimes their books1 not infrequently all three1 with a crash on the floor4 ,when we had marked the results on the ,examination ,schedule1 all these children were sent home1 and the atmosphere was immensely improved4 ,then we proceeded to examine the rest1 the aristocracy1 who worked their sums on paper4 ,as a rule1 if we began about #aj we finished about #aa4de4 ,if the master was a good fellow1 and trustworthy1 we looked over the few papers in dictation and arithmetic1 marked the ,examination ,schedule1 and showed him the whole result before we left4 ,then he calculated his 8percentage of passes10 his grant1 and his resulting income2 and went to dinner with what appetite he might4 ,but if the man were cross-grained1 and likely to complain that the exercises were too hard1 the standard of marking too high1 and so on1 he would be left in merciful ignorance of details4 ,half an hour in the evening sufficed for making up the ,annual ,report1 and the incident was closed4 ,think of the simplicity of it6 ,we breakfast early at the ,rectory1 and during the meal we chew the cud of last night's mirth4 ,harry and ,i are full of reminiscences3 the ,druid's stories2 ,david's flashes of humour2 the surpassing merits of the ,squire4 ,the ,rector is a little uneasy and rather silent3 at #g4cj the weather was rather bad1 and if the children are kept away by rain--some of them having long distances to walk over the bleak country--not only will the grant suffer1 but the teachers will be grievously disappointed4 ,happily the clouds lift and hope returns4 ,soon after nine we visit the stables to arrange about sending me to the station in the afternoon1 and the groom touches his cap to me1 gazing with a wistful eye4 ,he expresses an ardent wish that it may be a fine day for the school children1 and as we make our way to the school the ,rector informs me that there is a young person teaching there1 to whom the groom is much attached2 in fact he believes there is an engagement4 ,we find a long1 rather low building with a thatched roof3 the windows are somewhat low and narrow1 and filled with diamond panes2 and inside the light is scanty4 ,there is a tiled floor2 there are desks for the upper standards only2 the other children sit on benches with no back-rails3 both desks and benches are evidently the work of the carpenter on the estate4 ,there is no cloak-room1 and the damp clothes of the children are hung round the walls1 sending out a gentle steam1 as if it were washing-day next door1 and the water were not very clean4 ,about a quarter of the room at one end is occupied by a platform1 which is found convenient for village entertainments2 and a narrow passage by its side leads to a small class-room1 8contrived a double debt to pay03 it holds the small ,infant ,class and it serves as a ,green ,room for the performers at the aforesaid entertainments4 ,the children greet us with effusion1 and ,i am introduced to the teachers4 ,mr4 ,evans receives me with a smile that remembers ,capel ,zion1 but does not presume unduly4 ,there is ,mrs4 ,evans1 who takes the ,infant ,class1 and also teaches the girls to sew for four afternoons a week1 during which time a big girl 8minds0 the infants3 an admirable woman1 ,mrs4 ,evans1 but getting rather middle-aged for the little ones2 always motherly1 but not always fresh and gamesome4 ,and there is pretty ,myfanwy ,roberts1 formerly a ,pupil ,teacher here1 now ,assistant ,mistress1 8till she can save a bit40 ,clearly this is 8the young person10 and ,i admire the groom's taste4 ,myfanwy is trembling with excitement in her ,celtic manner1 and ,evans himself is uneasy1 for he does not know my ways1 and ,i may frighten the children4 ,if ,i insist on giving out the ,dictation1 my deplorable ,english accent will be fatal2 and if ,i laugh at the children's efforts to talk ,english1 they will close up like tulips in a shower4 ,the children are for the most part either black-haired and dark eyed1 or red-haired1 freckled1 and snub-nosed3 but some are pure ,saxon3 8,blue-eyed1 white-bosomed1 with long golden hair40 ,all wear their best clothes1 and ribbons1 and the maidens know it4 ,they too are uneasy1 and they discuss my appearance in their own tongue1 which leaves me neither elated nor depressed3 as when a ,venetian gondolier scathingly delineates his passenger in local patois to another boatman3 but the passenger's withers are unwrung4 ,only when ,i venture into the ,infants' room ,i hear a murmur from a four-year-old1 which the ,rector intercepts and translates to me4 ,it was1 if ,i remember rightly1 8,welwch-'i-farf-o10 8look at his beard40 ,i admit that in those days ,i had a beard which reached to the third button of my waistcoat3 it had an extraordinary fascination for infants4 ,i call over the names of the fifteen infants1 and find great difficulty in distinguishing between ,mary ,jones1 ,ty-gwyn2 ,mary ,jones1 ,hendre2 and ,mary ,jones1 ,the ,red ,lion4 ,one of them is absent1 and her name must be struck off3 ,mrs4 ,evans will not admit that it is immaterial which name is cancelled1 so long as she gets sixteen shillings for the two survivors3 if ,john ,jones1 ,the ,red ,lion1 heard that his ,mary was wrongfully marked absent1 there would be letters in the paper1 and a meeting at ,capel ,carmel4 ,yes1 sure6 ,mary ,ty-gwyn is sacrificed on the altar of expediency4 ,then ,i lose my heart to ,gwen1 aged four1 and thereby win ,mrs4 ,evans' heart4 ,it was ,gwen1 ,i find1 who commented on my beard1 and she is still so wholly absorbed in contemplation of it1 that my addresses are unheeded4 ,as ,i stoop down to press my suit in a language that she does not in the least understand--but the language of ,love is universal--she makes a sudden grab at the object of her admiration1 to see whether it is real4 ,the other babes hold their breath in terror2 but finding that ,gwen does not swell up and die1 that no she-bears appear1 and that ,i am laughing1 they break into a long ripple of choking mirth1 in the midst of which ,i escape4 ,i return to the main-room1 where the fifty 8elder scholars0 await me4 8,will ,i hear a song80 ,certainly ,i will4 ,is it the 8,men of ,harlech08 ,it is2 and it is rendered with a vigour that leaves nothing to be desired4 ,mr4 ,evans volunteers another of a more plaintive character1 and we have a native lament in a minor key1 which leads me hastily to assure him that the grant is now secure4 ,the ,rector is a keen ,shakespearean scholar1 and he mutters to me3 8,this passion and the death of a near friend would go near to make a man look sad40 ,i cap his quotation3 8,an he had been a dog that should have howled thus1 they would have hanged him3 ,i had as lief have heard the night raven40 ,the ,rector is so much pleased to have his trump returned1 that he beams1 and pats me gently on the sleeve4 ,think what it must be for a man to live in a parish where you may lead trumps from ,january to ,december without a chance of getting them back6 ,we proceed with the examination4 ,i begin with ,standards ,i4 and ,,ii4 ,they find the sums a little trying1 though they count most carefully on their fingers4 ,when you have a slate in your arms1 it is hard to carry the reckoning across from one hand to the other without dropping the slate4 ,i suggest to ,mr4 ,evans that counting on fingers is not practised in the best circles of mathematicians4 ,he is so much surprised by this novel theory1 that he gasps3 then1 recovering himself1 he says1 8,well1 indeed1 why did ,providence give them ten fingers for whatever80 ,angharad ,davis1 a charming maid of seven1 to whom ,i transfer the affection which ,gwen scorned1 gets one sum right 7out of three71 and one that is not without merit4 ,she has 8borrowed0 and omitted to 8pay back40 ,i have known grown-ups to do the same thing4 ,i ask her what she makes of four fours3 she looks at me with tearful eyes and mutters something in ,welsh4 8,what does she say1 ,myfanwy80 8,she says #8nid wn i ddim1' and that is1 #8,i don't know4'0 ,i think ,angharad may pass for her frankness1 combined with good looks4 ,the ,squire arrives with the school accounts2 and brings ,mrs4 ,trevor1 who announces that she is particularly interested in the sewing1 and wants to have my opinion as an expert4 ,horror6 ,meanwhile ,standards ,,iii41 ,,iv41 and ,v4 are struggling with sums1 and1 at intervals1 with ,dictation1 given out by the master in a convincing accent4 ,then they read with a fluency that in those early days used to amaze me1 knowing1 as ,i did1 that they knew very little ,english2 till ,i found by greater experience that they knew the two books by heart1 and could go on equally well if the book fell on the ground4 ,all the work is done--,geography1 ,grammar1 ,history1 ,needlework--done before the ,inspector's eyes--all these must wait till ,october1 #ahge3i the children go home with undisguised joy1 and ,i proceed to mark the papers4 ,evans has passed #ib per cent42 great rejoicings follow1 and ,i am classed above the last inspector1 who drew the line at #hh4 ,i fear the ,consolidated ,fund loses by my inexperience1 but ,i hold my tongue4 ,mrs4 ,trevor insists that ,i shall report on the sewing4 ,there is a table covered with female garments in unbleached calico 7which smells like hot glue71 linen1 and flannel2 and ,i am expected to look as if ,i knew one stitch from another4 ,by great good luck ,i drive away both ,mrs4 ,squire and ,mrs4 ,evans by picking up1 in my ignorance1 a garment so shocking to the modest eye that my critics turn hastily away1 and are speechless4 ,i hold it up to the light2 comment on the backstitching 7which ,i now have reason to believe was hemming72 pull at the seams2 and find that my lay assessors have fled4 ,rather abashed ,i also go1 and find the ,druid at the door4 ,he has had a wedding1 and he has left the loud bassoon and its moaning that he may explain to me about those hamlets with the cacophonous names4 8,good-bye1 ,mr4 ,evans3 #ib per cent4 is excellent4 ,good-bye1 ,mrs4 ,evans3 love to ,gwen4 ,ffarwel1 ,myfanwy40 8,beg pardon1 sir10 interposes ,evans1 nervously2 8but you haven't signed the ,log ,book1 or seen the ,accounts2 and you have left ,form ,,ix4 and the ,schedule behind1 and here they are40 ,this dims the glory of my departure1 and ,i return to sign the ,log ,book1 a custom of those days4 ,the ,squire comes with me1 and as ,i open the cash-book1 and wonder which is ,income and which ,expenditure1 he remarks quite casually to the master3 8,by-the-bye1 ,mr4 ,evans1 ,i have arranged with the architect and the builder to carry out the improvements in the premises recommended by ,h4,m4 ,inspector last year1 if this gentleman approves40 ,i1 of course1 intimate that ,i should not presume to have an opinion contrary to my chief's3 and the ,squire continues3 8,the windows will be enlarged2 the diamond panes will be taken out2 the floor will be boarded2 and ,i have ordered some new desks4 ,if we can manage to get three weeks' holiday without frost at ,christmas1 we can do all the work then40 ,evans was radiant with joy1 and we started for the street4 ,just by the gate ,i again hear a soft murmur from infant lips2 this time as a soliloquy3 8welwch-'i-farf-o60 ,it is ,gwen4 ,ffarwel1 ,gwen bach4 8,now1 ,mr4 ,inspector10 says the pertinacious ,druid1 8from here you can see my parish4 ,on the hill-side is ,llanfair-castanwydd-uwch-y-mynydd-uchaf 44440 8,look here1 ,mr4 ,morgan10 the ,squire says hurriedly1 8come up to the ,hall with the ,inspector2 the ,rector is coming1 and we will settle ,moriah after lunch4 ,give him a rest now4 ,hang ,moriah40 8,but it isn't all ,moriah10 the ,druid was beginning4 ,the ,rector saw his chance3 8,non omnis ,moriah3 multaque pars mei ,vitabit ,libitinam40 8,ye-es1 sure10 said the ,druid vaguely3 and so it was settled4 ,,footnotes3 #i ,these and other subjects were introduced for general use by the ,code of #ahge4 ,,chapter ,,vii ,,winding ,,up 8,if it were done1 when 'tis done1 then 'twere well ,it were done quickly40--,macbeth4 ,when you are paid by the day it is very unwise to work quickly4 ,i was very young in the public service in #ahga1 and that immortal1 if immoral1 truth had not come home to me4 ,therefore ,i had worked almost continuously for eight months1 and at a speed that1 if the ,civil ,service had possessed a well organized trade union1 would have ensured a heavy penalty for 8spoiling the place40 ,about the second week in ,december1 just at the time when all men were watching with bated breath the drawing near of the dark shadow at ,sandringham1 my task was done4 ,i was grieved to leave the lovely country2 the host of friends1 an exceeding great army that had sprung up from the dry bones of ,returns2 and especially my chief and his family4 ,he must have found me an all but intolerable nuisance1 for ,i was very green1 and very unofficial in disposition3 but he had never reproached me1 or hindered my steps4 ,i was a little sorry1 too1 to leave the work in so crude a state4 ,the plans were finished1 but the execution was hardly begun4 ,there is a fine line1 which one is surprised to trace to the ,rejected ,addresses1 because it ought to be in ,shakespeare3 8,and deems nought done1 while ought remains to do40#aj ,and that was my lamentable case4 ,let me add1 too1 that ,i was grieved to lose my pay4 ,there were no such almug trees in the ,inner ,temple4 ,but ,i sent in my last batch of ,reports1 and my resignation4 ,in those times of official inexperience ,i supposed that ,i should receive a polite reply1 regretting1 c41 and trusting1 c41 and especially commenting on the fact that ,i had finished my work so soon4 ,when ,clive was 8amazed at his own moderation10 it was1 doubtless1 a shock to him to find that no one shared his amazement4 ,the only reply that ,i received was a formal acknowledgment of the receipt of my communication4 ,it was not their ,lordships' way to be effusive4 ,more than #cj years later1 one of my staff1 who was resigning after #ce years' service1 told me that he had not received even a postcard1 unstamped1 ,on ,his ,majesty's ,service1 to thank him1 and bid him farewell4 ,it is recorded of ,lord ,chancellor ,thurlow that one summer afternoon on the last day of term before the ,long ,vacation the ,bar rose from their seats1 and bowed with expectancy when the ,chancellor had risen4 ,it was usual that his ,lordship should say something3 but he was mute2 and a leader remarked1 in an audible aside1 8,he might have d----d us1 anyhow40 ,being unemployed ,i returned to the ,bar4 ,my practice had not suffered by my absence3 no solicitors had felt any inconvenience2 and my briefless brethren showed no displeasure at my return to compete with them4 ,one remarked that he thought he hadn't seen me about lately2 and ,i was pleased to find that my eight months' absence had attracted so much attention4 ,there is no part of ,anglesey so repulsive to the well-regulated mind as is ,fleet ,street in the ,city of ,london4 ,there is nothing in the work of an ,elementary ,school so dull as the proceedings in the ,law ,courts4 ,and on going the usual rounds to attend ,sessions and ,assizes ,i found that the necessity of paying one's own travelling expenses1 instead of charging them to the ,treasury1 was a distinct falling off4 ,this lasted till after ,easter4 ,about that time ,i got notice from the ,education ,department that ,i should be required to attend at the ,office for the preparation and issue of notices under the ,act of #ahgj1 and with some hesitation1 for this was neither a permanent billet nor a road to the ,woolsack1 ,i accepted the call4 ,the ,department1 having accumulated sufficient information about school supply and deficiency1 was now to send to every parish in ,england and ,wales a ,statutory ,notice containing their ,lordships' decision4 ,it was my duty to advise on the issue of these notices to my former district4 ,this occupied1 with occasional intervals1 about two months4 ,i have always since been glad that ,i had this opportunity of seeing the inner working of the machinery1 and in after years ,i found it of great service4 ,it brought me face to face with officials who signed only initials to their minutes addressed to the outdoor staff1 and were disposed1 if there was any dispute1 to shelter themselves behind the shield of 8my ,lords40 ,when one knew that 8my ,lords0 was ,j4 ,b41 or ,b4 ,j41 and that ,j4 ,b4 was only old ,brown1 and ,b4 ,j4 only young ,benjamin ,jones1 one felt less downtrodden than when one supposed ,j4 ,b4 and ,b4 ,j4 to be possessed of the inner confidence of the ,vice-,president4 ,there were some other ,inspectors of ,returns summoned for similar work4 ,several of these rose to more important positions in the public service1 but the only man that attained to distinction was one already well known to me1 the late ,henry ,traill1 whose comments on his district inspector1 and on the ,office generally1 were our daily delight4 ,we assembled in a decayed mansion in ,parliament ,street1 now entirely destroyed4 ,i suppose it stood in front of the new ,foreign ,office4 ,our hours were those of the permanent staff3 we began at #aa ,a4,m4 with a margin of at least half an hour4 ,about one ,p4,m4 there was a generous interval for lunch4 ,the man who stayed till ,big ,ben struck five might have had a final half hour of quiet work4 ,of course there was no night work4 ,this was better than rushing about the country in ,welsh cars1 catching the #h4cj ,a4,m4 train1 and sitting up after midnight to make up ,reports4 ,for the most part our work was to transcribe our recommendations from the ,reports which we had sent in4 ,when these were done1 we conferred with the ,senior ,examiner of each area1 who had to sign each notice4 ,it was trivial work for those who had already gone thoroughly into the details4 ,it must be understood that the examiners--whose existence as an unexamined but nominated body of ,civil ,servants occasionally excites the wrath of ,radical ,m4,p4's--never examined children4 ,nec examinati1 nec examinantes1 is their proud motto1 and ,i think they would add sed sicut angeli in caelo4 ,but they examined our ,reports and the correspondence of the ,office4 ,there were similar officials in the old ,india ,office4 ,james ,mill was an examiner2 but in the ,national ,biography ,charles ,lamb and ,john ,stuart ,mill are styled 8clerks10 and probably they were of lower rank4 ,our examiners were appointed by the ,lord ,president1 and in answer to those carping ,radicals it is alleged that high academical distinction already earned renders further examination unnecessary4 ,i think there were exceptions1 but certainly many were men of remarkable ability1 and in some cases this was combined with practical aptitude for affairs4 ,if this latter qualification were conspicuously wanting1 ,i suppose some hint was dropped that in another career there would be more scope for obvious abilities1 which1 c41 c4 8,the stage1 or the army1 or something very superior in the licensed victualling way10 suggested ,mr4 ,sampson ,brass4 ,the fittest survivors rose by degrees to be ,assistant ,secretaries1 and until recently one of this select body was chosen to be ,secretary when a vacancy occurred4 ,the examiners were of two orders1 senior and junior1 and between the juniors and the younger inspectors intermittent war smouldered and raged4 ,the indoor man was shocked at the irregular habits of the outdoor man2 the outdoor man was disgusted by the pedantry and ignorance of details shown by the indoor official4 ,but no blood was shed1 and on both sides advancing years brought toleration4 ,of late years a much better tone has prevailed throughout the ,office4 ,the machinery had been oiled4 ,there was another class of officials1 in some respects the most meritorious3 these were the clerks4 ,they were appointed in the ordinary way of the ,civil ,service1 and rose to great eminence in their class4 ,i imagine they worked with reasonable diligence during office hours1 and if they spent some part of the time on the ,civil ,service ,co-operative ,store1 and similar toys1 that is better than writing poetry on office paper in office hours2 which was the crime laid at the doors of the examiners4 ,during the thirty-five years of my correspondence with the ,office ,i think ,i saw only three of these excellent men1 but ,i knew by name and high repute many more4 ,their mission in life was to keep the examiners in the straight path1 and at times they treated both them and the younger inspectors much as a caddie treats a beginner at the game of golf2 or1 to put it more respectfully1 as an old sergeant treats a newly-joined subaltern4 ,their merit was accuracy and trustworthiness2 their foible was pedantry4 ,in a treatise blending the ,politics with the ,ethics1 ,aristotle would have said that the virtue of a ,civil ,servant's life was ,orderly ,method2 its ,defect is ,muddle2 and its ,excess is ,red ,tape4 ,as a rule the higher branches of the service lean to the ,defect1 and the lower to the ,excess4 ,the critic of ,ministerial and official disasters would do well to bear this in mind when he is seeking a victim to denounce4 ,among the three clerks whom ,i met1 there was one who gave me some remarkable information4 ,it was in my early days1 and ,i had recently met an angry ,welshman on the church side1 who complained that his party did not get fair-play4 ,there was a certain ,welshman1 whom we may call ,jones1 highly placed in the ,red ,tape and ,sealing ,wax ,office1 discovered by ,anthony ,trollope4 ,jones was strong on the chapel side1 and according to my complainant1 when there was any special controversy about schools raging at the ,education ,department1 ,jones got access to the correspondence1 and put his party in possession of the case for the other side4 ,i had declared that the story was absurd3 ,jones had no access to the portfolios of another ,office2 also it would be dishonourable1 and it would be a breach of etiquette1 and so on4 ,now1 finding that the clerk whose room ,i was visiting had a pile of portfolios on his table1 it suddenly occurred to me to ask3 8,suppose ,mr4 ,jones of the ,red ,tape ,office sent to you for one of these files1 would you let him have it80 8,certainly2 they have a right to see our files1 and we have a right to see theirs40 ,i made no further enquiry1 and ,i did not communicate the result to my ,welsh acquaintance4 ,he might have replied that there was what logicians call 8an undistributed middle0 in the story2 but that if it is found 7#a7 that ,a4 ,b4 is improperly using private information2 and 7#b7 that ,a4 ,b4 has access to documents containing that information1 one may reasonably assume 7#c7 that ,a4 ,b4 went to the private documents for his private information4 ,with the aid of all these officials1 and in spite of many obstacles offered by an army of lesser servants1 called 8writers0 and 8boys10 who hid1 or lost1 documents of vital importance with the easy unconcern of a slavey in lodgings1 we made rapid progress4 ,once1 when ,i complained that the progress was not sufficiently rapid1 ,i was taught a valuable lesson3 8you must remember that in a ,government office it doesn't do to make mistakes3 it is better to go slow than to go wrong40 ,difficult cases arose at times1 and these were referred to the higher officers2 on one or two occasions the direction of the ,vice-,president was taken1 and general rules were made4 ,but1 as a rule1 it was straightforward filling up of forms2 ,form ,a1 if the parish supply was complete2 ,form ,b1 if there was a deficiency2 and so on4 ,when the cases were settled1 a notice was sent to the local officials1 and publication in local newspapers and on church doors was required4 ,by the terms of the ,act objection might be made within a month after the publication of the notice1 and1 as popular feeling had run high during our enquiries1 ,i looked forward to a general rising in ,north ,wales4 ,but in due course ,i received an informal communication from ,whitehall3 the month was up1 and from all that 8infected area0 not an objection had been received4 ,i replied that this must not be taken as evidence of acquiescence3 it was ,july2 the people were getting in their hay and plundering the early tourist2 when they were at liberty1 they would fight4 8,pooh1 pooh10 said the ,office1 8they have lost their chance40 ,a little disappointed1 as a schoolboy might be1 that there was to be no fight1 ,i went to ,switzerland2 returning in ,september1 ,i found one letter awaiting me4 ,it alleged that my proposal to unite the parish of ,llanon with the parish of ,llanof was the most monstrous outrage on common sense within the experience of the writer4 ,secondly1 the writer would be glad to know why ,i had not kept my appointment to meet him and a neighbour on ,august #bj4 ,it gave me some satisfaction to reply that the meeting to which he referred was fixed for ,august1 #ahga1 and that1 as we were now in #ahgb1 he and his neighbour were a year late4 ,no explanation was tendered by the complainant4 ,i suspected that the local ,mrs4 ,mailsetter had intercepted the #ahga invitations1 probably at the instigation of some local politician1 and had warmed them up a year later4 ,was ,llanon wedded to ,llanof8 8,jeanie's mairit weel eneuch10 said the ,scottish matron2 8to be sure she canna abide her mon1 but there's aye a something40 ,the subsequent proceedings interested me no more4 ,except for occasional requests for information1 ,i had no further concern with the district1 and though ,i have paid very many visits to the beautiful country in these thirty-five years1 it has always been as a tourist4 ,,footnotes3 #aj ,a kindly critic points out that the line is merely an exact translation from ,lucan's ,pharsalia1 ,,ii4 #feg-- 8,nil actum credens1 quum quid superesset agendum40 ,,chapter ,,viii ,h4,m4,i4 ,,judge 7pianissimo73 8,it was managed by a job40 ,,all3 8,and a good job too40--,w4 ,s4 ,gilbert4 ,i returned to the hunt after the elusive brief4 ,the life of this class of hunter is familiar to readers of fiction4 ,it is ex hypothesi without incident4 ,month after month went on1 and the ,woolsack came no nearer4 ,but one night1 dining at the ,club1 ,i met a friendly official from ,whitehall4 ,had ,i heard that the ,lord ,president was going to appoint a batch of ,inspectors1 and that he had expressed an opinion that the ,inspectors of ,returns were entitled to first claim8 ,i had heard nothing1 but the idea took root1 and ,i made immediate application4 ,it happened by specially good fortune that my father knew two of the ,ministry1 one of whom was in the ,cabinet4 ,the services of both statesmen were invoked2 my former chief in ,north ,wales supported me1 rather out of the goodness of his heart1 ,i fear1 than out of conviction1 for he regarded me as a firebrand2 and others1 of whom the most helpful and thorough was my former tutor at ,rugby1 the present ,dean of ,wells1 did kindest service4 ,in a few days a letter from the ,lord ,president to the friendly ,cabinet ,minister was forwarded to my father2 it ran thus3 8,dear ---- ,i have had great pleasure in putting your friend ,mr4 ,kynnersley's name on my list4 ,yours sincerely1 ,carabas40 ,and on a folded corner was a note3 8,thanks for appointing ,x4,y40 ,it was evident that ,x4,y4 and ,i had been bartered4 ,i always regret that ,i did not make a note of ,x4,y4's real name1 so that ,i might have followed up his public career4 ,last scene of all4 ,some three weeks later my clerk1 of whom indeed ,i owned barely one-fourth undivided share1 came to my lodgings before ,i had breakfasted1 with the extraordinary news that there was a brief for me in ,chambers4 ,this had never occurred before4 ,there were briefs at ,sessions and ,assizes1 few and far between1 but in ,paper ,buildings hitherto the solicitors had respected the privacy of my apartment4 ,i took a hansom as soon as possible1 and drove to the ,temple4 ,there on the table was a real brief1 and side by side with it lay an official envelope containing my appointment as 8one of ,h4,m4 ,inspectors of ,schools40 ,this was dramatic4 ,i accepted the brief1 which instructed me to examine a bankrupt in ,chambers1 and ,i examined him accordingly4 ,never was ,i more convinced of my unpreparedness for the ,woolsack4 ,it remained to interview the ,secretary of the ,department2 and to leave a card on the ,lord ,president1 who regretted that he was so busy that he could not see me4 ,bear in mind that ,i did not see him2 my thanks were received vicariously by his private secretary4 ,now let me pause4 ,should ,i have 8told tales out of school0 about that letter8 ,i doubt4 ,and yet ,i decide in favour of the reader4 ,as far as ,i am concerned1 ,i think meanly of the man who will hide a good story because it is to his own disparagement2 and ,i think that the ,marquis of ,carabas is untouched in his honour1 ,i would even say in his judgment4 ,remember that ,i had all necessary qualifications for the post1 including practical experience1 in addition to good testimonials4 ,and then you admit that it was an admirable appointment8 ,that being so1 ,i will let the story stand4 ,some twenty-five years afterwards it happened that ,i was on a cycling tour1 and chance brought me to a noble park which1 by the courtesy of the owner1 was open to cyclists4 ,at the entrance there was the usual instruction to cyclists to ring a bell on approaching people or carriages2 but bell-ringing had already fallen into disuse as an indispensable ceremony1 though retained for emergencies4 ,therefore1 when ,i saw a wagonette drawn up in the middle of the park road1 ,i did not ring2 it was the first year of 8free-wheelers10 and ,i merely slackened pace1 and planned circumvention of the carriage4 ,in the wagonette sat an elderly gentleman1 who looked reproachfully at me and said1 8,yes1 but you didn't ring your bell40 ,the experienced ,civil ,servant acquires a habit of not 8answering back02 he keeps silence even from good words1 and ,i did not reply that ,i never rang a bell unless ,i wanted something2 that ,i did not wish him to move2 nor had ,i any intention of running into his carriage1 which would have buckled my front wheel4 ,merely ,i looked at him with some surprise1 and rode on pondering on the phenomenon4 ,suddenly it flashed across my mind that this was the monarch of all he surveyed--my ,lord of ,carabas1 formerly ,lord ,president of the ,council1 patron of my youth1 whom ,i had failed to see when ,i called in ,whitehall2 through whose discernment in the selection of ,inspectors ,i had been battening on the ,consolidated ,fund for a quarter of a century4 ,ring a bell6 ,i would have rung a triple bob major4 ,should ,i go back1 and explain1 ringing carillons as ,i drew near8 ,long before ,i could decide1 ,i had left the park far behind4 ,it was a ,hard ,case1 such as the ingenious editor of ,vanity ,fair propounds for solution every week4 ,what should ,a4 do8 ,this is quite irrelevant to the preparations for my assumption of office4 ,i had to pass a medical examination1 and then ,i was gazetted4 ,in that day1 and up to #aijc1 ,inspectors of ,schools were actually appointed by the ,sovereign in ,council1 and for this reason they were really entitled to the prefix ,h4,m41 which is assumed by many other inspectors 8of lesser breed40#aa ,this being done1 ,i bade an informal farewell to the ,bar1 and put away my wig and gown in a safe place1 to be resumed if ,i were dismissed from office4 ,once only was an attempt made to entice me back to the ,law ,courts4 ,at a ,london hotel1 some few years after my appointment1 ,i met a ,county ,court ,judge whom ,i had known in his caterpillar stage4 ,he hailed me4 ,had ,i heard that old ,z41 ,county ,court ,judge at ,y41 was dying8 ,i did not know the man1 but ,i expressed decent regret4 8,i thay1 ,kynnerthley10 he went on1 with the lisp so familiar to many common juries1 8why thouldn't you go in for hith plathe8 ,i know ---- hath much interetht with the ,government1 and he would get it for you40 8,my dear ,judge10 ,i said1 8you forget that ,i have left the ,bar some time1 and that when ,i was at it ,i had no practice40 ,he looked at me pityingly3 8,what doth that matter8 ,do you know ,q41 now ,county ,court ,judge at ,dufferby8 ,give you my word he hadn't got a wig and gown40 8,good gracious6 why did the ,chancellor appoint him80 8,he taught in ,thunday ,thcoolth in ,twaddleton40 ,alas6 ,i had not even that scanty qualification1 and ,i did not apply4 ,the suitors at ,y4 have much to be thankful for4 ,,footnotes3 #aa ,a recently created ,h4,m4,i4 assures me that the method of appointment by the ,sovereign is unaltered4 ,i apologise4 ,,chapter ,,ix ,,arcadia 8,i am here with thee and thy goats1 as the most capricious poet1 honest ,ovid1 was among the ,goths40--,as ,you ,like ,it4 ,the ,lord ,president might appoint1 but the ,secretary disappoints1 and he ordered me to ,norfolk1 there to act as second inspector to the ,rev4 ,f4 ,synge4 ,the alternative1 for there were two places to be filled up1 was ,oxford1 and ,i was a good deal annoyed at my billet4 ,at ,oxford ,i could have dined in hall and common-room1 read my ,times at the ,union1 and at the same time have been within easy reach of my home4 ,but ,i have reason to believe that there were thorns on the ,oxford rose-trees3 certainly my successful rival made a very short stay in the ,civil ,service4 ,of ,norfolk ,i knew nothing1 and it seemed intolerably remote4 ,in those days it had no golf links1 and its ,broads were as little frequented as ,lake ,balaton4 ,its railway system was arranged on the plan of the ,roman camp3 there was a ,via ,principalis running north and south2 ,king's ,lynn to ,wells1 ,norwich1 and ,london3 and a cross line 7,i forget the ,latin term7 running east and west--,yarmouth to ,norwich and ,ely4 ,the traveller who wished to wander in the back streets of the county1 drove1 rode1 or walked4 ,safety bicycles were not yet3 the ,boneshaker was not tempting1 and the ,spider was perilous4 ,add to this a curious collection of third-class inns1 and the climate of ,siberia4 ,there were days in spring when one left home in the morning with a bright blue sky overhead and a ,n4,w4 wind far more attractive than ,kingsley's north-easter3 but with little warning the sky would be overcast1 and whirlwinds of rain1 snow1 or sleet would drive one to depths of misery1 and back to the third-class inn1 where the chimney smoked1 and there were woolly mutton chops for dinner4 ,there were days in ,april at ,yarmouth1 for by some perversity of judgment ,yarmouth school inspections had been fixed in ,april1 when the black east wind1 fresh from the ,ural ,mountains1 paid no more heed to the impediment offered by a brick wall than would the ,rntgen rays to a deal door4 ,there were days in ,june when a pitiless sun scorched the traveller till about five in the afternoon1 at which time a sea-breeze from the east rose up and afflicted his throat and lungs with all the diseases that begin with a cold and end in 'itis4 ,at such times the parched light soil rose up in clouds1 and much real property changed hands4 ,let me offer you the local anecdote of the parts about ,brandon and ,thetford1 where ,suffolk and ,norfolk meet3 ,first farmer3 8,neow which county dew your land lay in1 ,mr4 ,a480 ,second farmer3 8,well1 ,mr4 ,b41 thet dew depend mostly on the wind3 last week1 when the wind was so wonnerful strong1 thet fare to lay mostly in ,norfolk40 ,but1 if there were thorns to the roses of ,oxford1 there were roses to the thorns of ,norfolk4 ,i was singularly fortunate in my chief1 both socially and professionally3 singularly fortunate1 also1 in the assistant whom we shared3 both1 alas6 gone before4 ,and the ,north-folk are among the most lovable of the peoples of the earth4 ,it was told of ,bishop ,wilberforce that1 after meeting with a brother ,bishop1 he said he had often heard of the milk of human kindness1 but never hitherto had he met the cow4 ,that cow family still browses on the ,norfolk pastures1 and the east wind does not ruffle its sweet temper4 ,our district included1 perhaps1 two-thirds of the county1 and overflowed into the ragged edges of ,suffolk3 the remaining fraction1 the ,fen district1 was annexed to ,cambridge4 ,we had only one large town1 ,norwich3 ,great ,yarmouth1 the next in size1 had only nine schools4 ,then there were about half a dozen market towns1 where generally ,church and ,chapel maintained rival schools3 the bulk of the work lay in country parishes1 and involved drives of from ten to twenty miles before the morning's school was reached4 ,our general plan of campaign was that my chief1 being a family man with his home in ,norwich1 took the ,norwich schools1 and many others that were within a morning drive or a railway journey4 ,i1 being a bachelor1 whose abode was in ,early ,english lodgings1 usually went off on the ,monday morning to one of the outlying settlements1 and made that a centre for the five days4 ,as a rule ,i got to school about #aj with a margin4 ,the children did nothing beyond the rudiments4 ,i finished the work by #aa4de1 went to the ,rectory1 and inspected the garden1 or played croquet with the ,rector's daughters3 had a noble lunch2 drove back to my inn1 marked the school papers1 wrote the ,report1 and posted it3 and then--there was a night of ,arctic winter length1 and not a soul to speak to4 ,coming fresh from ,london club life1 ,i found this plunge into solitude quite appalling4 ,a philosopher1 whose name ,i forget1 remarked 7see ,cicero de ,officiis7 that he was never less alone than when he was alone4 ,but he would have admitted that he was never so much alone as when he was alone in a market town inn3#ab the banal laughter of the commercial-room1 and the murmurs of talk from the nightly assemblage of local magnates who frequented the bar-parlour1 and interchanged pleasantries with the young lady at the bar--these rose up1 as did similar sounds in ,sweet ,auburn1 and made the hearer as melancholy as the bard4 ,but this is merely a matter of habit4 ,at the end of two years ,i found the life quite agreeable1 and two of the hotels--,dereham and ,fakenham1 but ,i am not sure of the eponymous beasts1 or heraldic bearings--sweetened comfort with an ever genial welcome4 ,the country schools were usually very small1 and sometimes very bad4 ,a very green girl1 fresh from the training college1 would take a school1 and at the end of the year would get a poor report4 ,in her second year she would work with more vigour and more skill1 and would get a ,report sufficiently good to earn her ,parchment ,certificate4#ac ,then she would take another school1 or a husband1 and the education of the village would relapse4 ,i wonder whether this alternate method still obtains4 8,amant alterna ,camaenae0 we are told1 but ,i cannot remember that any of the ,nine ,sisters took any interest in ,elementary ,education4 ,what girl of #bj to #cj would willingly stay for more than two years in a country village from five to ten miles distant from a railway station1 with no shop windows to look at1 and no eligible young men to look at her8 8,for either it was different in blood1 7,o cross6 too high to be enthralled to low7 ,or else misgraffed in respect of years1 7,o spite6 too old to be engaged to young470 ,in ,north ,wales ,i hardly ever saw a village school mistress other than a married woman4 ,owing to the deplorably low moral tone of the people it was said to be impossible for a single girl to hold such an appointment4 ,in ,norfolk there was not a shadow of hesitation on this account3 brains were scarce there1 as everywhere1 but morals were sound3 a good girl at #ej was better than a bad man at #hj1 and the managers took their chance of the good girl who would go1 in preference to the bad man who would stay4 ,i have my old official note-books of that time1 recording the school statistics and draft reports1 and ,i see that in two autumn weeks ,i inspected a total of #fjf children at a cost to the country in travelling expenses of #aa4 ,in ,manchester1 #cj years later1 ,i could find #fjj children in a single department of a school by spending twopence on a tram-car1 and the day's travelling from doorstep to doorstep might take #dj minutes4 ,in ,norfolk the real labour of the day was the travelling1 and it would often take two hours' drive to reach a school with no more children than you could put in a tram-car4 ,yet there were compensations in these long drives4 ,the dearth of railways made it worth the while of the hotel proprietors to keep good cattle1 and the horses were splendid4 ,i have driven #ad miles in an hour1 without use of whip1 to catch a train4 ,equally precious were the drivers4 ,o ,charlie ,b46 aged friend and charioteer for three years4 ,how many miles we journeyed behind that black horse1 or those black horses2 and how delightful was your conversation6 ,we began daily with the same opening3 ,he3 8,let's see3 where is it tu this marnin8 ,norton8 7meditatively7 ,norton ,red ,lion8 7he always associated the village with its inn74 ,neow which way du thet lay1 ,i wonder80 ,i3 8,according to the map it is beyond ,weston40 ,he3 8,weston ,black ,dog3 why ,i was there last week for a funeral3 let me see1 where did ,i fetch that corpse from80 ,for when not driving me and the black horse to school1 he was driving the black horse1 or horses1 in a hearse to a funeral2 and during the ,burial ,service he baited the horses and himself at the 8,red ,lion0 or the 8,black ,dog40 ,thus guided by the association of ideas1 ,charlie took my vile body within three or four miles of ,norton1 and then hailed a native3 8,which way should ,i go to get to ,norton2 far to go the nighest way80 ,implying that he knew several routes1 but was unable to decide on the best4 ,the school was then found4 ,very seldom he put up at the 8,red ,lion02 usually he went straight to the ,rectory1 where he got entertainment for man and beast1 and provided entertainment for the cook by retailing the latest news from ,norwich4 ,our conversation was most improving4 ,all that ,i knew about 8,the ,principles of ,agriculture0--a possible subject of examination in schools--,i got from ,charlie in those drives4 ,he did his best to teach a short-sighted man the difference between swedes1 mangolds1 and turnips2 and between wheat1 oats1 and barley1 before their ears were developed4 ,he taught me not to expect a field of wheat where ,i had been so much pleased with the crop last year4 ,it would be three years before the phenomenon recurred1 and in those years other vegetables would be seen4 ,this was not to relieve the monotony of agricultural life1 and so to bring the labourer 8back to the land10 but for certain agricultural-chemical reasons which ,charlie did not explain4 ,he had views about cattle1 too1 and their approximate value1 and attributed the introduction of cattle plague to ,gu-anner4 ,also he discoursed upon birds1 plants1 and flowers under their ,norfolk names1 such as ,stubin wood1 ,pretty ,betsy1 ,mergule1 and ,white ,rim1 and gave me much information4 ,in return one day1 as ,i travelled with my colleague1 ,i taught him indirectly the mysteries of ,roadside ,cribbage3 you know the game8 ,a4 and ,b41 sitting right and left1 count all the men and beasts on their respective sides of the road within the limits of two hedges1 marking ten for a white horse and ten for a windmill3 the higher score at the end of an agreed distance or time wins the game1 but a cat on the window-sill1 or an old woman in spectacles is ,game at once4 ,charlie was referee about the shade of the horses claimed as 8white02 he watched the game with the keenest interest1 and once1 when ,i snatched a victory at the last moment in the face of a heavy majority1 by espying a spectacled hag1 he rolled about in tearful laughter till the black horse wondered if we had been to a funeral in his dog-cart4 ,the scenery was tame as a rule4 ,on the east side about ,yarmouth1 and on the west edge towards the ,fens it was hideous4 ,but in ,may and ,june the rest of the district was pleasant enough1 and the typical ,english village1 with its broad main street edged with white-walled1 thatch-roofed cottages2 its old grey church and snug ,rectory and neat school1 all in a ring fence1 made such a charming picture that ,i recommended an ,american tourist visiting ,england in search of antiquity to drive #bj miles in ,east ,anglia in ,june4 ,i suppose he would think little of a hundred-acre field of wheat2 but to us men of small standards--,i am told you may put all ,england into ,new ,york ,state--this great expanse of rolling gold1 when 8,a light wind blew from the gates of the sun1 ,and waves of shadow went over the wheat10 atoned for a long drive on a burning ,august day4 ,september in ,norfolk is said to be delightful4 ,i distrust people who boast of only one month in the year1 and that a month which falls in the holidays4 7,we began our year's work on ,october #a47 ,but ,i love them much1 and ,i am ready to concede ,september4 ,the records of those old note-books are often astonishing4 ,these are village schools noted in one volume3 ,a4 ,certificated ,teacher's salary1 #cf without house2 #gb children present3 #cd examined3 passed #bb per cent4 ,b4 ,out of #aba children on the books only #cf have made #bej attendances3 deep snow kept away #aa of these on the day of inspection4 ,c4 #gf children on the books3 #ch examined3 passed #ah per cent4 ,d4 #ag examined3 passed #cg per cent4 ,let me explain the technical terms4 ,if a child did not come to school #bej times in the year he could not be examined4 ,as the schools were usually open #ddj times 7that is #bbj days7 in the year1 it was not a hard bargain4 ,this was before the ,act of #ahgf1 which made attendance compulsory everywhere4 ,now in the case of ,school ,c1 which 8passed #ah per cent410 each of the #ch children might have passed in three subjects1 called the ,three ,r's1 making #aad passes in all3 instead of which1 #ab passed in ,reading1 #e in ,writing1 and #d in ,arithmetic4 ,a little further on ,i have a note of a poem in use at a school1 marking an early attempt at the co-ordination of elementary education with undenominational morality3 #bj pence are 1 ,wash your face and comb your hair4 #cj pence are 1 ,every day to school repair4 7,here is a lamentable gap47 #hj pence are 1 ,mind what you are taught in school3 #ij pence are 1 ,never call your brother a fool4 ,write it myself8 ,certainly not4 ,i could have managed the mathematical part1 but the ethical deductions would never have occurred to me4 ,elsewhere ,i come to notes of odd names borne by the children4 ,here is a girl called ,himalaya1 because she was born in the troopship of that name1 the ship that carried ,charles ,ravenshoe to ,malta and the ,east4 ,she was a lucky girl1 felix opportunitate nativitatis1 for the other troopers were ,serapis and ,crocodile4 ,who would marry a ,crocodile8 ,also there is a child named ,laste4 ,i asked the ,rector whether ,i should say ,last1 or ,lastee8 and whether ,it was a boy or a girl4 ,it was a boy1 and the ,rector well remembered baptizing ,it4 8,name this child10 he said1 and the father replied 8,last40 8,how do you spell it80 said the puzzled priest4 ,the father said he didn't spell it at all1 but ,it was the tenth1 and he wasn't going to have any more4 ,but he had three more4 8,what did he call them80 ,the ,rector did not know6 ,what amazing indifference6 ,the ,curate suggested 8,knave1 ,queen1 ,king10 and was 8,highly ,commended40 ,the ingenuity of parents in choosing names for their offspring was truly remarkable4 ,at the end of one note-book ,i find this list1 the result of six months' collection3 in each case ,i have the name of the school in which the child was enrolled3 8,loral1 ,iho1 ,bylettia1 ,jerusia1 ,fitty1 ,belden 7girl71 ,asabiah 7boy71 ,dees 7boy71 ,atelia1 ,ebert40 ,i suspected ,jerusia and ,asabiah of ,biblical extraction1 and after searching ,smith's ,dictionary ,i can identify them with ,jerusha1 and ,hashabiah1 whose history ,i do not remember4 ,atelia must have been ,athaliah4 8,fitty10 the note says1 8is a nickname1 but his mother doesn't know any other40 ,why not ,commodus8 8who1 under the appellation of ,commodious1 was held by ,mr4 ,boffin not to have acted up to his name40 ,another book contains an epitaph4 ,there are many collections of such things published1 but ,i do not possess one1 and for anything ,i know this may be as well known to collectors as the epitaph of her who was 8first cousin to ,burke1 commonly called the ,sublime40 ,for those who share my ignorance ,i subjoin it1 premising that it was in memory of a former ,rector of--let us call it ,cornerstone3 8,who for his uniform exemplary practice of the moral and ,social virtues and a faithful discharge of the duties of his ,ministerial office was greatly and deservedly esteemed1 and with that decent unconcern which the ,review of a well-spent life naturally inspires1 ,quitted this world ,aug--1 #agfi40 ,i like 8decent unconcern40 ,but ,cornerstone is memorable in another way not recorded in my school note-book4 ,the ,rectory had at one time been haunted by two ghosts4 ,one was a former ,rector with a wooden leg1 who every night at the midnight hour came stumping down the cellar steps to fetch himself beer4 ,i like to think that he was the 8decently unconcerned0 one1 who had found out his mistake4 ,the other was a lady1 and an illustrious one3 no less than ,amy ,robsart4 ,how it came to pass that ,amy 7who1 according to ,sir ,walter1 lived 8on the frontiers of ,devon0 and was murdered at ,cumnor7 haunted a ,norfolk ,rectory1 you must ask ,mr4 ,andrew ,lang4 ,sir ,walter never let history or geography stand in his way1 and one would not condemn a ghost on his evidence4 ,there she was2 she was known as ,mistress ,amy1 and she walked about at the midnight hour in a silk dress that rustled4 ,the ,rector for the time being no doubt regarded this strangely assorted couple of incorporeal hereditaments with decent unconcern1 but no servant would stay in the house4 ,i think it was my host who put an end to the servile war by importing some ,breton lasses who spoke no word of ,english4 ,as it was impossible that any villager should forewarn them1 they were not on the look out3 or perchance the ghosts were only 8,doomed for a certain term to walk the night0 and the term had expired4 ,certainly the plague ceased1 and the confidence of the village was restored4 ,thenceforth servants were plentiful4 ,that veritable history is not in my note-book3 there is little in it of the slightest interest3 there is no record of the human element in our inspecting life2 no record of the constant succession of anxious managers1 distracted teachers1 half-distracted and half-delighted children1 whose absorbing interest in the day's work was a constant reproach to me4 ,the teachers alone would fill a volume3 8with your remembered faces1 ,dear men and women1 whom ,i sought and slew10 as an ,inspector-poet#ad once sang--the note-books record only your names with a few dry official details2 but memory brings back much more4 ,it was a hard life for the pioneers in the back-woods of ,arcady in the early 'seventies4 ,you laboured1 and other men have entered into your labours4 ,ill-paid1 often ill-housed2 worried by inspectors2 worried by managers and managers' wives2 worried by parents1 and worried by children1 who came to school as a personal favour1 and1 if affronted1 stayed away for a week1 you served your generation4 ,there can be few1 if any1 still at work whom ,i knew in ,arcady thirty years ago2 but as ,i look through these books ,i see the names of many whom all men honoured1 and who reaped a full reward in the affectionate gratitude of the children4 ,and those children6 shall they have never a word8 ,how they assembled in the early morning1 and haunted the precincts till #h4ej1 when they were admitted into school1 and harangued on behaviour2 how they1 beribboned1 brought down flaxen-haired1 blue-eyed infants still more beribboned1 and too much pleased with the ribbons to take thought for the inspector2 while comely matrons stood at their doors representing the past1 but carrying in their arms the scholars of the future3 how they waited wearily till the ,man arrived1 and then in audible whispers discussed the question whether ,it was ,the ,same--with apparent reference to the inspection of the previous year2 how they struggled tearfully through the morning2 fled home2 and1 what time the ,inspectors had emerged from the ever hospitable ,rectory1 and were gazing at the tombs of the rude forefathers in the churchyard1 were ready1 clad in their workaday suits1 to see their enemies off with faintly subdued derisive cheers4 ,and the ,rector and ,rectoress said1 8,well1 that's over for another year40 ,and the teachers said1 8,thank ,goodness1 that is done2 he seemed in a pretty good temper40 ,and ,h4,m4,i4 said to his colleague3 8,nice old boy4 ,what induced him to marry her8 ,never mind2 sha'n't see her again for a year4 ,what school to-morrow8 ,home1 ,charlie40 ,,footnotes3 #ab 8,in respect that it is solitary ,i like it very well1 but in respect that it is private it is a very vile life10 said ,touchstone4 #ac ,certificate printed on parchment1 attesting competence as teacher4 ,see ,chapter on 8,reports40 #ad ,f4 ,h4 ,myers1 ,st4 ,paul4 ,,chapter ,x ,,arcadia ,,clericorum 8,i am one that had rather go with sir priest1 than sir knight40--,twelfth ,night4 ,the chief charm of ,norwich1 which was my headquarters1 lies in its ,cathedral4 ,architecturally it is a delight to the soul of man4 ,gazing on arcade piled on arcade2 ,norman pillars1 pointed clerestory1 and triforium2 mystic curves and intersections of window tracery2 and the noble vaulted roof above2 one could sit undisturbed while the ,canon in ,residence took his weekly toll of our time1 and discharged one-thirteenth of his yearly task3 8,i 'eered un a bummin' awaay loik a buzzard-clock ower my yead1 ,an' ,i thowt a said whot a owt to 'a said1 an' ,i comed awaay40 ,the music was remarkable for the perfect training of the boys' voices by ,dr4 ,buck1 and for the incompetence of the aged men1 who1 though past work1 could not be dismissed1 because they were freeholders and had not been convicted of felony2 as though petty larceny were a graver offence than singing out of tune6 ,freehold6 always freehold6 ,to me1 however1 the great attraction was the ,dean1 ,dr4 ,goulburn4 ,he had been my headmaster at ,rugby twenty years earlier2 and though ,i had not had the slightest acquaintance with him1 the sight of that familiar face1 and the tones of that sonorous voice were sufficient to call up priceless memories of bygone days and long-lost friends4 ,in ,norwich the ,dean was venerated4 ,in ,london and ,oxford he was famous as a preacher3 as a writer of religious books he had done excellent work1 which1 if one may judge from advertisements1 still holds its ground4 ,as a headmaster he had been less successful1 and ,i gathered from some slight conversation with him as ,dean that the very name of ,rugby jarred on his ears4 ,he was a scholar1 a divine1 a gentleman1 a saintly man1 and a good companion3 but there was something lacking1 something essential in dealing with boys4 ,i doubt if he ever was a boy4 ,at ,eton1 as we learn from his biographer1 his short sight debarred him from games1 and his 8sapping0 propensities made him so unpopular with the drones that1 although bene natus1 bene vestitus1 and bene doctus1 his election to the ,debating ,society1 called ,pop1 was secured only by the interposition of the headmaster4#ae ,this was ,keate1 and probably he threatened to flog the ,opposition4 ,when he was himself headmaster in after years1 this want of sympathy with athletes and drones must have limited his sphere of influence4 ,in some way he had failed to assimilate himself to ,boy1 and ,boy saw that something was wanting4 ,without boy-knowledge a headmaster is like a coachman without horse-knowledge3 he cannot drive4 ,i could fill many pages with stories of him1 and many pages with tributes to his excellent merits1 but ,i forbear4 ,as ,inspector ,i had no dealings with him4 ,peace be to his memory4 ,both in the city and in the county my acquaintance during the three years that ,i spent in ,east ,anglia was almost wholly clerical4 ,the parochial clergy managed the schools1 collected the funds1 often supplied a large share of the funds1 and entertained the inspector4 ,in a short time ,i found that there was infinite variety in the seeming monotony4 ,parson ,a4 was literary1 and his name was known to all men of letters4 ,b4 was archological1 and had views about ruins4 ,c4 grew bulbs1 and the district was so badly arranged 7qu ,c47 that his school inspection came in ,january1 when only the noses of his aconites1 snowdrops1 and crocuses were visible2 but from ,february to ,june1 and even later1 he lived in splendid happiness4 ,d4 grew conifer1 a pursuit which requires expectation of long life2 ,e4 grew orchids1 and told me of his parlour-maid's bon mot4 ,she was helping in some stage of the culture1 and in amazement inquired the name of the unsightly vegetable4 8,orchids10 she was told4 8,and a wera good name far un tew10 said the maiden with wholly unconscious pleasantry2 8awkidest things ,i ever handled40 ,f4 was absorbed in schools1 and spent half his days there4 ,g4 added to the cares of his life by doctoring the bodies of his flock4 ,a neighbouring duly qualified practitioner had threatened him with a prosecution for manslaughter if any more of his patients died4 ,one likes to see the thing done properly1 and qu medicus the ,rector was a nonconformist2 qu artifex a blackleg4 ,h4 was ,high and told me of his persecutions2 ,l4 was ,low and tried to interest me in the conversion of the ,jews4 ,the alphabet becomes wearisome4 ,suffice it to say that the society never became wearisome4 ,in their reception of the common enemy1 the ,inspector1 they varied1 as they varied in their pursuits3 it is not every man that can stand being told that his school is bad1 and that the grant will be reduced2 and therefore the smiles of welcome varied a good deal in direct proportion with last year's school balance3 but we were very good friends on the whole4 ,if old ,bookworm compared me to ,gloster-- 8the clergy's bags ,are lank and lean with thy extortions0-- ,i knew that love of ,shakespeare1 not hatred of ,inspectors1 moved him4 ,if ,carker complained that ,i had plucked his best boy in ,arithmetic1 he melted into apologies on seeing the prodigy's prodigiously incorrect sums4 ,the ,norwich district barely touched the ,fens4 ,that dismal region where1 as a ,cambridge man assured me1 the inhabitants are web-footed and speckle-bellied 7like frogs7 was naturally and officially wedded to ,cambridge2 and ,i regret that ,i am unable to report on the accuracy of my friend's statement4 ,on our side the livings of the clergy in the 'seventies were fat1 and the churches were magnificent4 ,i fancy that1 even then1 the congregations were not equal to the splendour of the buildings4 ,there may have been reasons for this4 ,it used to be said in ,cambridge in the early years of the last century1 that the incumbents of the ,fen district lived in ,cambridge from ,monday to ,saturday4 ,on the last day of the week they sought their sphere of labour--where no gentleman could be expected to live--and got through their ,sunday duty with tolerable acceptance4 ,a select band would centre at the 8,lamb0 at ,ely1 and with the aid of the hebdomadal rubber made the place almost as snug as ,cambridge4 ,freeholders6 ,freeholders6 8,o sainte glise6 something divine must indeed dwell in thee1 when even thy ministers have not been able to ruin thee40 ,in the 'seventies the ,norfolk clergy as a rule were resident4 ,there was indeed a strip of country in one quarter1 where for several miles the incumbents had 8left their country for their country's good10 but retained the income of the benefice1 only deducting 7with much reluctance7 the salary of a cheap curate3 and there were others whose throats and chests were not strong enough to stand the ,norfolk winter3 but ,providence tempers even the ,norfolk wind in certain cases1 and ,i was assured that the common herd1 whose livings were of less value than #a1bjj a year1 bore up well4 ,there is a system of compensation in the distribution of good things4 ,i still remember one hoary sinner--possibly still alive1 for he was the sort of man who would be likely to live for another thirty years1 to support ,mrs4 ,poyser's theory1 8it seems as if them as aren't wanted here are th' only folk as aren't wanted i' th' other world0--who boasted that1 being entitled to ninety days' leave of absence from his flock in each year1 he arranged to take the last quarter of one year and the first quarter of the next1 whereby he got six months' solid holiday4 ,the drawback1 he said1 was that he couldn't get another holiday till ,october #a of the third year4 ,i cannot say what provision he made for the services in his absence1 and it was not for me to ask4 ,but on a visit to a country school in another parish ,i found that the incumbent had been away for four months by special leave from the ,bishop1 because his wife was ill1 and that he had thoughtfully arranged for the ,vicar of the adjoining parish 8to come over and give them a service on ,sunday afternoons40 ,the benefice in his case was valued in the 8,clergy ,list0 at over #gjj a year1 with a house4 ,these cases of neglect and the worse cases of evil-livers sounded strange in the ears of a ,civil ,servant whose tenure of office was on a frailer footing4 ,i used to point the finger of scorn at the ,bishop1 who might be supposed to intervene4 8,but how is he to get evidence80 his defenders would say4 ,i replied that if ,i were ,bishop with #e1jjj a year1 ,i should hire a private detective and send him down to old ,boozer's parish 7,rev4 ,o4 ,boozer1 ,great ,tiplingham7 for a month to collect evidence4 ,but ,i was told with some warmth that the clergy would consider that a most ungentlemanly proceeding4 ,this surely is to put vermin on a level with game4 ,i said that the churches were magnificent4 ,it is another instance of the compensatory tendency of the gifts of ,providence1 that ugly countries generally have fine churches4 ,look at ,norfolk1 ,cambridgeshire1 ,northamptonshire4 ,there was a time when even ,holland received the benefit of this arrangement1 and did not build shanties round the bases of its cathedrals4 ,the decay of agriculture1 the diminution of the rural population1 and1 above all1 the migration of the weavers to the coalfields have wrought havoc with the congregations1 charm the ,rector never so wisely4 ,who1 outside ,norfolk1 knows that 8worsted0 gets its name from ,worstead in ,east ,norfolk1 a village with a noble church that might hold from #hjj to #a1jjj people8 ,i see in the 8,clergy ,list0 that the population is now #gha1 of whom #ed per cent4 might be expected to go to church1 if they valued statistics--and our incomparable ,liturgy4 ,take another case4 ,there was a time when ,our ,lady of ,walsingham had an extraordinary reputation1 not only in ,england but in the ,low ,countries4 ,five ,english sovereigns sought her shrine3 three ,henries and two ,edwards4 ,erasmus visited it in #aeaa1 and wrote an account of it1 which for wit1 irreverence1 and general impropriety could hardly be surpassed4#af ,the cult lasted for #cjj years1 and when it was at its height pilgrims came over in great numbers to ,yarmouth and ,king's ,lynn1 and made their way along a ,via ,sacra of noble churches and priories4 ,the finest of eastern counties' churches1 in my recollection1 is at ,sawell1 or ,sall1 within easy reach of ,walsingham2 and it was suggested that pilgrims were persuaded to drop a coin or two at churches on the road1 whereon ,sall flourished 7,sall--profits--yes1 ,i see2 ,i leave it71 as did the ,lady ,chapel at ,king's ,lynn1 and the churches on the ,palmers' way from ,london and the ,south4 ,when ,i saw the great church in #ahgf it was going fast to decay1 and the sum mentioned as necessary for repairs was alarming4 ,the population in #aija was #aia4 ,in another of these fine churches ,i found the ,rector in much trouble4 ,bats had got into the roof and multiplied4 ,the parish would gladly have retained the ,pied ,piper of ,hamelin to rid them of their foes2 besides ordinary pollution they had made the church their slaughter-house and their dining-room--the wings of moths1 and all sorts of garbage lay about4 8,bats60 said the ,rector1 who was a ,biblical scholar2 8,isaiah couples them with the moles1 according to our translation1 but ,i doubt whether chephor peroth refers to moles40 8,perhaps it was the church mouse80 ,i suggested4 8,bats10 he went on1 after giving me a suspicious glance1 8are clearly indicated by the word atalleph40 8,it is ystlumod in ,welsh10 ,i said1 not to be overcrowed by a ,rural ,dean1 8and ,fledermaus in ,german2 flittermouse in ,ben ,jonson40 ,but the ,rector was intent on murder1 and heeded not my pedantic flippancies3 8,bats10 he repeated1 with a far-away look in his eyes4 ,what a parody ,calverley would have made3 8,they hunted for moths in the ,rector's garden1 ,and though they possibly no harm meant1 ,they littered the pew of the ,churchwarden3 ,they spoiled the gold of the ,tenth ,commandment40 ,that is a bad rhyme3 ,i am not equal to the task4 ,the case was serious3 what did ,i suggest8 ,i said it was rather out of my province3 bats never built in schools3 had he tried incense8 ,his eyes were again fixed intently on me1 but ,i gazed at the roof4 ,it seemed that the good man was ,low4 ,how was ,i to know8 ,finally he gave me credit for guilelessness4 8,but what would the ,archdeacon say80 ,i inferred that the ,archdeacon also was ,low4 ,certainly the bats were ,high4 ,it is sad that ,i cannot carry the tale further4 ,did he try the remedy8 ,i cannot but think that 8good strong thick stupefying incense-smoke10 such as ,browning's ,bishop loved to taste1 would have evicted the cheiroptera4 ,fear of the ,archdeacon might have held the ,rector's hand when ,divine ,service was toward1 but ,i suspect he would still have six week-days undisturbed4 ,this was not the only instance of want of practical common-sense in the management of the freehold4 ,another incumbent remarked to me that he couldn't understand why his people didn't come to church4 ,i thought it might be that his preaching was deterrent1 but politeness suggested 8the singing80 8,oh no2 it isn't the singing3 there's plenty of that4 ,to be sure10 he added pensively1 as if the thought came to him for the first time1 8it may be that it is because there is no heating apparatus40 ,that is one of the drawbacks of official life4 ,you cannot tell a school manager what you really think of him4 ,if his church had been a school1 we should have taken a tenth off his grant after a year's warning2 and the next year1 if his school was still uninhabitable1 we should have struck it off the list4 ,no doubt in ,norfolk1 as elsewhere1 a great change has come over the country clergy4 ,most of the valuable livings in that diocese were in the gift of the ,cambridge colleges1 and probably at ,cambridge1 as at ,oxford1 clerical fellows hung about the combination rooms for years1 either giving indifferent lectures1 or1 in the preferable alternative1 merely consuming the college port2 while they waited for the shoes of richly beneficed incumbents1 who showed an indecent reluctance to put them off4 ,it was often discovered1 when the long-deferred inheritance fell in1 that there was lurking in the background a virgin1 who had but too often passed the flower of her youth1 and who thus tardily became ,rectoress ,consort4 ,a strange couple they would be to administer the affairs of a country parish4 ,but though too often hampered by lack of training1 and sometimes by lack of zeal1 in their ecclesiastical duties1 they did much for education4 ,the traditions of a college living required1 long before the ,act of #ahgj1 that there should be a parochial school1 and they built generously1 if 8not according to knowledge03 strange schools in the ,university-,gothic style2 externally picturesque2 internally ill-lighted1 ill-ventilated1 ill-warmed2 but no worse than you would find in the great public schools4 ,and ,mrs4 ,rector looked after the sewing1 and the girls' ailments2 and both husband and wife were diligent attendance officers1 bribing1 threatening1 persuading parents and children4 ,let me not omit to add that some of these ex-dons were of the salt of the earth1 though not too earthy4 ,i knew them only as school managers1 but it was sufficiently clear that in such cases the school was part of an admirably organized parish3 their acquaintance with the children1 and their complete knowledge of the home life of the children never ceased to surprise and interest me3 the discipline and the school work were proof of the ,rector's watchful eye2 and the greeting of the teachers showed the affectionate respect in which he was held4 ,three great changes have come about in the last forty years4 ,the abolition of clerical fellowships has cut off the supply of academical idlers4 ,it is hard nowadays for a college to find men to take the college livings4 8,and oh1 the heavy change10 the collapse of agriculture in corn-growing1 and the consequent fall in rental of glebe lands1 and in tithe1 have all but extinguished the old-fashioned broadcloth ,rector4 ,thirdly1 recent legislation has all but extinguished the criminous clerk1 and made it comparatively easy to stir up the mere idler4 ,are the people grateful8 ,i doubt it4 ,they grumbled at the old style1 and they grumble at the new style2 but they made more out of the old style4 ,a few years ago ,i happened to be in ,wales1 and1 meeting a fruit-seller with a cart bearing the name of ,llanbeth1 ,i got into conversation with him1 and casually enquired whether my old friend1 the ,rev4 ,j4 ,jones1 sometime ,rector of ,llanbeth1 was still living4 ,no3 he was dead1 and ,reverend ,williams reigned in his stead4 ,i expressed sorrow4 8,fery different gentleman now10 said the fruit man1 disparagingly3 8,i am parish clerk1 and ,i know3 fery different gentlemen eferywhere4 ,yes1 sure40 ,and the wretch leered hideously4 8,well1 ,i will tell you10 he continued unasked1 8they are men that have failed at the ,institushun 7meaning the ,training ,college1 then at ,carnarvon72 that iss what they are40 8,after all10 ,i suggested1 8they are better men now80 8,well1 ,i will tell you3 they are more men of the world3 that iss what they are40 8,but1 at least10 ,i pleaded1 8they don't drink80 8,no-a1 indeed2 because they can't afford it3 ,else----0 8,thou shalt not escape calumny10 said ,hamlet4 8,did a day's work80 8,yes3 because he is a man of the world40 8,didn't get drunk80 8,no3 can't afford it40 ,and even the wise and 7comparatively7 virtuous ,inspector1 when he meets in school the man of the world1 who in general demeanour compares unfavourably with the schoolmaster1 remembers easy-going old ,broadcloth with a sigh1 and hopes the new broom will sweep clean4 ,,footnotes3 #ae ,see 8,memoir of ,dean ,goulburn10 page #ae4 #af ,from a professional point of view ,erasmus' ,geography was lamentable4 ,he speaks of 8this sea-side saint10 and says that the place is on 8the extreme coast of ,england on the ,north ,west40 ,it is #g miles from the ,wash4 ,,chapter ,,xi ,,miller',s 8,a merrier man ,within the limit of becoming mirth ,i never spent an hour's talk withal40 ,love's ,labour's ,lost4 ,it was not in ,norfolk that ,i met the ,rev4 ,joseph ,miller1 ,hon4 ,canon of his ,cathedral1 ,rural ,dean1 and formerly ,fellow and ,tutor of some ,college in ,oxford4 ,having at one time or another inspected schools in ten different counties ,i may leave the venue uncertain4 ,it is merely for convenience that ,i record the visit here4 ,at the time when ,i made his acquaintance1 he had acquired some notoriety in clerical circles in a singular way4 ,in those days--,i know not whether the rule is altered--the ,bampton ,lecturer at ,oxford was appointed by a committee3 there was a list of subjects to which the lecturer was confined1 and any one who felt a call to the ,university pulpit sent in his application1 specifying the particular subject upon which he was moved to discourse4 ,miller proposed to give a course of lectures on 8,the ,failure of ,moses40 ,i suppose he sent in a syllabus with his application3 but possibly the syllabus which he showed me was made merely for his own use4 ,the argument1 briefly stated1 was that in spite of the divine and miraculous assistance which it enjoyed2 in spite of the purity and simplicity of its doctrines1 the ,mosaic system had never up to the time of the ,captivity spread over even the little country of ,palestine4 ,assuming the correctness of the popular chronology1 there was an interval of #hha years between the ,exodus and the ,captivity1 and at no time during that period was the country as a whole free from gross idolatry4 ,but after the return from the ,captivity idolatry seems to have disappeared in the course of years2 at least there is no mention of it in the ,gospels4 ,to what was this change due8 ,clearly to the introduction from the ,east of the doctrine of a future life1 with future rewards and punishments4 ,moses and his followers 7said the ,canon7 promised temporal prosperity to the righteous1 and in the end ruin to the ungodly4 ,this was not the common experience1 and the people1 seeming to gain little by virtue in this world1 and having no hope for another1 tried other forms of worship1 which combined pleasure with religion4 ,solomon1 who was strong enough to enforce uniformity1 became the founder of the doctrines of ,religious ,equality and ,concurrent ,endowment1 and applied them to his own household4 ,then came the schism1 and things became worse4 ,miller's description of ,jeroboam as the first ,home ,ruler1 the parent of ,free ,churches1 would have convulsed the undergraduate gallery4 ,the lectures would have set ,oxford in an uproar between the ,torpids and the ,eights1 and when published in the following year would have filled the ,guardian and the ,spectator with correspondence4 ,they would eventually have attracted the attention of ,convocation1 and odium theologicum would have blossomed into a gravamen1 or even an articulus cleri4 ,but it was not to be4 ,the committee chose another man1 and an informal message was sent to ,miller to the effect that the success or failure of ,moses was not among the ,bampton list of subjects4 ,moreover1 his theory was opposed to ,article ,,vii4 ,one ,divinity ,professor privately complained to ,miller's ,bishop that he should have a ,rural ,dean holding such views 8directly contravening the ,articles40 8,let us see the ,article10 said the wary ,bishop2 and he opened a ,prayer ,book3 8,wherefore they are not to be heard1 which feign that the old ,fathers did look only for transitory promises40 8,it seems to me1 ,professor1 that the ,article is satisfied4 ,the ,rural ,dean will not be heard40 8,but1 my dear ,lord1 he may preach the same doctrines from his own pulpit40 ,the ,bishop picked up ,liddell and ,scott1 and turned to his favourite passage in that work3 ---- 3 8early-prowling base-informing sad-litigious plaguy ways0 8,there is a branch of that ,society in the ,diocese1 and ,i shall receive prompt intimation of any breach of ,article ,,vii40 ,the ,professor 8retired hurt10 as cricketers would put it2 and his score was #j4 ,miller told me the whole story1 and probably improved it a little4 ,who 7except the present chronicler7 does not throw in a little pourboire for the ever thirsty reader8 8,but10 he added with mock resignation1 8it has cost me a mitre4 ,junior ,proctor ,i was3 ,rural ,dean ,i am3 ,bishop ,i shall never be4 ,do you remember ,scott's 7of ,balliol7 lines on ,shuttleworth1 ,warden of ,new1 when1 according to ,common ,room gossip1 that dignitary refrained from giving his vote for fear of imperilling his promotion80 ,he opened a drawer1 and in the very tones of the ,master he read3 ' 1 ' 3 8,shuttleworth1 ,warden renowned1 led not his men to the battle2 ,standing aloof from the fray1 much afraid on account of the mitre40 8,no one can say that of me1 and ,i shall not wear the mitre40 ,he never did3 but in fullness of time he made an excellent ,dean4 ,one year ,i sent him formal notice of his school inspection1 and received a pathetic reply4 ,i had chosen the very day which he had fixed for a ruridecanal meeting4 ,he could not put it off1 and he could not leave his rurideacons unshepherded1 even to wait upon ,h4,m4,i4 ,would ,i forgive him1 and1 partly in evidence of forgiveness1 partly by way of penance for having selected a day so obviously unsuitable1 would ,i dine with the 8,rurideacons0 at #e4cj--old ,oxford hours1 and convenient in the country1 because it enabled the brethren to dine1 and to get home before dark1 without 8falling out by the way08 ,he added in a ,p4,s4--8,towzer has got the gout and can't come40 ,i was glad ,towzer could not come3 ,i had seen him last at his own school1 when he was mad with gout1 and shook his fist at me in his fury4 ,miller knew this4 ,on the appointed day ,i examined the school1 and1 when the afternoon work was done1 strolled up to the ,rectory1 to wait for the arrival of the exhausted clerics4 ,there were seven or eight of them at dinner3 the rest went empty away4 ,it would be easy to describe the guests individually1 but all the clergy between the ,north ,sea and the ,irish ,channel1 between ,carlisle and the borders of ,salop1 would waste their precious time in hunting for the lineaments of themselves1 or their neighbours4 ,i need mention only two3 first1 the ,archdeacon1 who had views about the ,burials ,bill 7which was the burning question of that day71 the ,revised ,version1 and the ,unity of ,christendom4 ,he was full of goodness2 rather lacking in humour1 and rather hostile to inspectors1 whom he regarded as a lay and inferior form of archdeacon4 ,there were two ,archdeacons in the diocese1 both worthy1 and both wooden2 so that ,canon ,miller had said1 in his epigrammatic way1 8,the ,archdeacon is the oculus episcopi1 and our ,bishop suffers from that form of ophthalmia which is known to the faculty as amaurosis1 or dullness of sight40 ,the other notable was the ,rev4 ,o4 ,goodfellow4 ,he was the butt of the ,rural ,deanery4 ,for five tedious years he had toiled at ,oxford for his degree2 his college had ejected him at the end of his fourth year1 and he had taken refuge in a ,hall4 ,there he exhausted the pass-coaches of ,oxford1 and he might have exhausted his father's patience1 but a soft-hearted examiner took pity on him1 and his fate was like that of ,augustus ,smalls of old3 8,men said he made strange answers ,in his ,divinity2 ,and that strange words were in his ,prose ,canine to a degree3 ,but they called his viv voce #8,fair1' ,and they said his books would do2 ,and native cheek1 where facts were weak1 ,brought him in triumph through40 ,possibly he might have done better in the schools if he had not devoted the ,october term to football1 the ,lent term to the ,torpids1 and the summer term to cricket4 ,there is little time for reading1 if a man really tries to do his duty by his college in these three branches of industry4 ,in his parochial work his athletics helped him greatly2 for the rest he was the most good-natured of men1 and his wife was charming4 ,every one laughed at him1 and everybody liked him4 ,also he was known to all men as ,robin4 ,the dinner was simple and good2 the conversation was varied1 except in two directions3 the ,canon announced at the outset that if any one mentioned the ,burials ,bill or the word 8education0 he should be sconced4 ,this1 as my neighbour on the left remarked sotto voce1 trumped the ,archdeacon's best trick1 and left me without a card to lead4 ,i have omitted to mention ,mrs4 ,miller1 most delightful of hostesses1 whom ,i1 8as the representative of the ,crown10 had1 with friendly laughter1 been instructed to take in to dinner4 ,at this moment she asked me confidentially what would happen if she were sconced4 ,i told her that the penalty in the case of a man was to pay for a quart of beer for the company2 but that if the sconcee could drink the whole quart without stopping to take breath1 the penalty rebounded on to the informer2 presumably in the cases of 8lunatics1 infants1 and married women0 7under the law of that date7 the guardian1 parent1 or husband would be liable4 ,i gave this legal opinion with some solemnity1 and the company rather embarrassed me by suspending their conversation that they might hear the decision of the ,court4 ,the ,archdeacon1 who1 like ,st4 ,peter1 8was himself a married man10 showed marked disapproval1 and ,i hastily diverted discussion by adding that ,i had seen the draught completed1 and the penalty reflected4 ,johnson1 my left-hand neighbour1 a ,yorkshire man1 said that in his county it would not be a remarkable feat4 8,i remember a case in point10 he continued2 8a discussion arose at the #8,red ,lion' in ----ton1 whether any man could drink two quarts without stopping to take breath4 ,finally it was agreed that if such a man existed1 it was ,will ,pike4 ,bets were made1 ,will was sent for1 and the case was laid frankly before him2 would he try8 8,to the surprise of his backers he hesitated1 and at last asked whether they could give him a two-three minutes just to see about it4 ,this was conceded2 ,will retired1 and in less than three minutes he returned1 and drank his two quarts in manner prescribed4 ,the opposition paid up1 but one man1 feeling a little sore1 complained of the delay4 ,why didn't ,will begin at once8 8,will hesitated a minute1 and then confessed that he himself didn't feel quite sure of his ability--,i might say #8capacity'--so1 to make sure1 he had just stepped down to the #8,black ,lion' to try4 ,as he stood there1 he contained four quarts40 ,mrs4 ,miller was quite unmoved by the horror of this anecdote2 she laughed with the rest1 but added a word of caution to me3 8,they do very strange things in ,yorkshire1 ,mr4 ,kynnersley2 if you could hear ,mr4 ,johnson's fishing stories1 you would add to your knowledge of natural history40 8,this is hard10 said ,johnson1 plaintively2 8,mrs4 ,miller alludes to a very remarkable experience of mine last ,june4 ,i was fishing for trout in the ,west ,riding1 and a farmer offered to show me the way1 and gave me some hints4 ,he pointed out the best pool to begin on2 advised a particular fly2 and specially charged me1 when ,i hooked a trout1 not to let the line get slack1 or the fish would get clear4 ,a big trout took the farmer's pet fly1 and by bad luck ,i stumbled against a root1 let the line slack as ,i fell1 and in a moment the fish drew the line over a sharp-edged rock1 cut it1 and sank4 8#8,now watch him1' said the farmer3 ,i saw that trout slowly rise1 and swim to a log that checked the current3 there it worked with its mouth against the wood1 till it had extracted the hook3 it caught the hook between its jaws2 swam close to the log1 and deliberately planted it with its barb fixed in the soft wood4 ,finally it drew back1 and contemplated its trophies4 ,there was a complete row1 ,january1 ,february1 ,march1 ,april1 the ,mayfly44440 ,a shout of indignant laughter cut short the list4 ,only the ,archdeacon was grave4 ,he waited till the 8mirth unseemly0 was done1 and then in solemn tones asked ,johnson whether this had really happened to him4 8,well1 not exactly to me1 ,i admit3 it was a friend of mine who witnessed the feat3 but the story is more effective in the first person4 ,i hope1 ,mr4 ,archdeacon1 you don't doubt my friend's veracity8 ,he is a ,diocesan ,inspector40 8,oh1 not at all10 said the other hastily4 ,but he looked grave1 and ,mrs4 ,miller crumbled her bread4 8,very hearty1 genial sort of folk in ,yorkshire1 are they not80 ,i interposed by way of eirenicon4 8,very much so3 not quite that refinement of thought and manner which stamps the caste of--er--the ,lower ,house of ,convocation10 said he1 with a glance at the sceptic4 8,i remember a singular instance of this so-to-say lack of delicacy4 ,a young doctor in my first parish was coming home late at night1 when he heard the noise of wheels2 then a crash1 and then a shout4 ,he ran hastily in the direction of the sound1 and by the help of a feeble moon and a cart-lantern found a young collier in difficulties3 a wheel had come off the cart1 and he was extricating what seemed to be a long box4 ,the doctor offered first aid1 which was readily accepted4 8#8,aw've 'ad a reight mullock 7a regular misfortune71 tha' sees4 ,aw've been ovver tut t',union1 wheer ar owd man deed1 an getten leeave to tak 'im hooam1 and burry 'im in t' ,church yard1 an nar me cart is brokken daan3 aw s'all hav to leeave all t' job in t' field whol mornin'4 ,nowt'll mell 7meddle7 on 'em4' 8,it was his father6 8,the doctor gave a hand1 and together they carried the light shell down through the gateway into the field1 and left it in a corner4 ,the driver turned his lantern on his helper's face1 and said briskly3 8#8,why1 it's ,maister ,smith1 t' yung doctor1 for sewer8' 8,smith assented4 8#8,sithee1' said the collier confidentially2 #8aw'll tell tha wot aw'll do'2 and1 coming closely to him1 he said in an undertone1 #8,aw'll sell tha t'owd un fer awf a crawn4' 8,it was his father40 ,mrs4 ,miller shuddered4 8,if any one mentions ,yorkshire again10 she declared1 8,i will talk about the ,burials ,bill 7which seems much wanted in that county71 and if the ,canon is sconced1 and drinks all that beer1 he will have the gout1 and ,i pity the ,rural ,deanery40 ,johnson chuckled with the satisfaction of a man who has hit the mark1 and the conversation became general4 ,the ,archdeacon tried to interest our hostess in the ,revised ,version1 but she did not know the aorist from the paulo-post-futurum4 ,she skilfully played a spade1 and introduced gardening3 but he did not know a pelargonium from a potentilla4 ,then she led a small club1 and brought in the ,girls' ,friendly ,society ,annual ,meeting1 and he followed suit4 ,some one mentioned the ,bishop1 and though not much could be said about the local ,diocesan in the ,archdeacon's presence--for as you would not abuse a man's eye to the owner1 so you should not abuse the owner to the eye--yet it led to talk about bishops generally1 and we became anecdotical1 as we ate our gooseberry tart4 ,at that date men told stories of ,s4 ,wilberforce1 and ,magee3 ,stubbs and ,temple were not yet in all men's mouths4 ,most of the stories were familiar1 but we enjoyed them as old friends1 and in the telling of them1 and in the subsequent discussion1 curious light was thrown on the gradual accretion and expansion to which such legends are subject4 ,in the case of one well-known story we were able to trace the aboriginal myth3 8,bishop ,magee was at a meeting of bishops1 discussing the rubrical words #8,before the table4' ,he wrote on a bit of paper1 and passed it to a colleague3 8#8,before the table' means #8at the north end of the table4' ,qu43 was #8the piper that played before ,moses' standing at the north end of ,moses80 ,and this is the complete legend1 many years younger4 ,the ,bishop of ,peterborough was standing on a railway platform in ,northamptonshire1 waiting for a train1 when he was accosted by a prominent ,evangelical clergyman in his diocese1 who was much exercised about the question of the 8,eastern ,position40 8,my ,lord10 said the latter1 8the case is perfectly clear3 when the rubric says #8,before the table' it means standing #8at the north end of the table4'0 8,i see10 replied the ,bishop1 meditatively2 8in my country we have a saying1 #8,by the piper that played before ,moses'3 hitherto ,i have always supposed that the piper stood in front of ,moses3 now ,i see that he stood at the north end of ,moses4 ,here is my train3 good morning40 ,the stories of ,wilberforce were equally familiar1 and all went to illustrate what we may call his diplomatic talent4 ,one came from private sources1 and may perhaps be recorded here4 ,a man fresh from the ,oxford diocese told it3 ,there was a great function of some sort in a church near ,oxford1 and many clergy had assembled to meet the ,bishop1 and were using the schoolroom as a vestry4 ,five minutes before service time the ,rector came in great trouble to ,wilberforce3 the clergy had been specially requested to bring their surplices1 but ,mr4 ,a4 and ,mr4 ,b4 had come with black gowns1 and the effect would be ruined3 would the ,bishop speak to them8 8,my dear ,mr4 ,x41 leave them to me10 was the only reply4 ,three minutes passed1 and again the ,rector pleaded for help3 8,leave them to me10 was repeated4 ,just before the clock struck the ,bishop moved down to the two black-legs4 8,how do you do1 ,mr4 ,a48 so glad to see you here3 will you read the first lesson for us8 ,how do you do1 ,mr4 ,b48 will you read the second lesson8 so much obliged40 ,greatly flattered1 the two men hastily borrowed white robes1 and the situation was saved4 8,that10 he added1 8is a true story40 ,i resent this sort of warranty4 ,it has a tendency 7firstly7 to imply that previous stories were not true3 7secondly7 to assume that truth is better than fiction4 ,moved by this feeling ,i ventured to interpose4 ,if truth was to gain extra marks1 ,i knew a ,wilberforce story of such authenticity that it was vouched by a ,judge of the ,common ,pleas1 and a ,bishop3 and ,i offered this contribution to the chronicles of the evening3 ,it happened just after the ,summer ,assizes at ,oxford that ,mr4 ,justice ,keating was going on to ,worcester2 and in the carriage with him 7among others7 was ,bishop ,wilberforce4 ,opposite the latter was a seat untenanted1 but littered with correspondence4 ,a lady looked in1 just before the train was starting1 and asked whether the empty seat was engaged3 8,occupied10 said the courtly prelate with a courtly smile1 and the lady moved hurriedly on4 ,he turned to the judge3 8#8,occupied1' not #8,engaged'2 you observe the distinction3 ,i have a great deal of work to do in the train1 and the guard is good enough to allow me the use of a second seat for my papers40 ,the judge1 an ,irishman by birth1 was much tickled1 and told the story to a friend in ,london4 ,the friend repeated it at a dinner table1 where ,archdeacon ,john ,allen of ,salop was a fellow guest2 and concluded with much virtuous indignation1 boldly asserting that the distinction was inconsistent with honesty4 ,the ,archdeacon was the most excellent and the most combative of men1 except his brother ,archdeacon of ,taunton 7,denison74 ,he went to the root of the matter by denying emphatically that the ,bishop ever made the remark1 and undertook to get his ,lordship's authority for his denial4 ,accordingly he wrote to ,cuddesden that night3 told his story in full1 and asked for an official contradiction4 ,the maligned man vouchsafed no answer1 good or bad3 only he forwarded the petition to the ,bishop of ,lichfield1 and wrote at the bottom3 8,dear ,bishop of ,lichfield1 ,can't you find something for your archdeacons to do8 ,yours always1 ,s4 ,oxon40 ,the man who told me the story had1 ,i believe1 heard it from ,sir ,henry ,keating4 ,i repeated it to a clerical friend1 who1 when ,i reached the end1 said1 8,yes1 that is quite right3 ,i was examining chaplain to the ,bishop of ,lichfield1 and he told me the story40 ,a vehement discussion arose during dessert3 some accusing1 others excusing1 and ,mrs4 ,miller looked anxious4 ,but the ,canon broke in1 just as she was preparing to retreat to the drawing-room3 8,why10 he exclaimed1 8do you have two standards of morality8 ,let me tell you two stories3 ,i cannot tell them in parallel columns1 but you must put them side by side in your minds40 ,he told them in order1 and ,i1 the chronicler1 put them in parallel columns3 ,the ,bishop4 ,he went to a provincial town for some function3 the clergy and others met in the ,assembly room of the chief hotel2 and there was to be a procession through the streets4 ,while they were robing1 an elderly farmer came hurriedly into the room1 made straight for the ,bishop1 and greeted him heartily4 8,how do you do-o80 said the ,bishop3 8so glad to see you3 how is the old grey80 8,very hearty1 thank ye1 my ,lord1 and the grey mare too3 very good of your lordship to remember the old lass40 8,so-o glad10 purred the ,bishop3 8so good of you to come3 good bye40 8,who's your friend80 said one1 when the door was shut4 8,really1 ,i have no idea40 8,why1 you asked him after his old grey40 8,yes10 replied the ,bishop reproachfully2 8but when you see a man with a great coat covered with grey hairs1 you may assume that he has been driving a grey horse40 ,the ,premier4 ,lord ,palmerston and ,sir ,j4 ,paget 7who told the story7 were walking down ,bond ,street4 ,a man came up and saluted the statesman4 8,how do you do1 ,lord ,palmerston80 8,ah1 how do8 glad to see you3 how's the old complaint80 ,the stranger's face clouded over1 and he shook his head3 8,no better40 8,dear me3 so sorry3 glad to have met you3 good bye40 8,who's your friend80 said ,sir ,james when the stranger was gone4 8,no idea40 8,why1 you asked about his old complaint60 8,pooh1 pooh10 replied the other1 unconcernedly3 8the old fellow's well over #fj2 bound to have something the matter with him40 8,now when you hear one story1 you say1 #8,good old ,pam' and admire his worldly wisdom3 when you hear the other1 you say #8,how like ,sam' and deplore his crafty cunning40 ,we looked at one another1 and shame covered our faces4 8,agreed10 said ,johnson3 8,s4 ,oxon was great2 he was genial1 and he was witty4 ,what was his best saying8 ,i am inclined to give the first prize to his comment on ,bishop ,x's marriage4 ,let me recite it4 ,the ,bishop1 you remember1 married some one of humble station1 and that so quietly that no one knew of it for some time4 ,then there was an outcry1 and the ,bishop resigned the see4 ,this was reported to ,wilberforce1 who remarked that his right-reverend brother might fitly be appointed to the ,see of ,ossory and ,ferns1 then vacant1 for he believed ferns were cryptogamous40 ,the laughter was partial1 for certainly ,goodfellow1 and possibly another1 besides ,mrs4 ,miller1 failed to catch the point1 and the ,archdeacon seemed in doubt whether the story were quite proper3 but ,mrs4 ,miller turned calmly to me1 and begged that ,i would perform the necessary surgical operation1 if ,i was quite sure----eh8 8,quite safe10 ,i assured her3 8,i examine in ,botany3 plants which have visible flowers and so on are phanerogams3 the others1 which marry in secret1 are cryptogamous3 ferns are cryptogams40 8,no joke can survive a post mortem03 ,mrs4 ,miller smiled sadly and left us4 8,have a cigar before you go80 said our host1 and we made for the study4 ,,chapter ,,xii ,,miller',s ,,study 8,pereant qui ante nos nostra narraverint40 ,but not all4 ,i stopped in the hall to search my great-coat pocket for my pipe1 and ,i overheard the farewell of the ,archdeacon4 ,domestic circumstances called him home1 and the ,canon remained to see him off the premises4 ,it fell to me1 therefore1 to break to the others the news that the venerable one would not join them4 ,they bore up4 8,he can't take my new hat10 said the ,rev4 ,patrick ,o',brien1 ,,ll4,d41 8it hasn't the curly brim3 but he gets first pick of the umbrellas4 ,i suppose he was created for some wise purpose1 but he doesn't eat1 he doesn't drink1 he doesn't talk1 and he doesn't smoke4 ,hwat can ye do with um80 ,and he lit a fat cigar4 8,reminds me of what ,topers of ,brasenose said to the ,professor10 commented an elderly rector named ,oldbury3 7,oxford2 high and dry2 broadcloth1 silk hat1 bit of a squarson2 good old chap74 8,do you remember ,topers80 he asked me4 ,i pleaded comparative youth4 8,ah1 of course4 ,well1 ,topers and another man were dining at ,balliol ,high ,table with one of the dons1 and the only other don present was ,professor ,aldrich1 who hated ,topers and all his ways1 and was infinitely disgusted to meet him as a guest4 ,topers was quick to see this1 and excelled himself in wit and anecdote1 while the ,professor was mute4 ,the dinner was prolonged3 the undergraduates departed3 even the scholar whose duty it was to say ,grace was released1 when ,topers turned to his host1 and pleaded for a bottle of that admirable ,balliol port to mellow the ,stilton4 ,this was too much for ,aldrich3 he got up and said1 #8,gentlemen1 you will find coffee in the ,common-room1 when you are ready for it1' and he was stalking down the empty hall4 8,topers rose from his seat with tragic solemnity3 #8,go1 sir1' he said1 with a majestic wave of his hand1 #8and take with you that appreciation of the good things of this world which ,heaven has not given you1 and the conversation of which we have heard not a word4'0 ,ah me6 ,as the others laughed1 ,i saw the old ,hall1 now used as a library1 the three black-gowned figures at ,high ,table1 the empty ,hall half-lighted1 and at the far end two or three scouts who were clearing away dishes1 turning stupidly to stare at the short square don with firm-set chin and gleaming eyes2 while ,john de ,baliol1 ,dervorguilla1 his wife1 8and others1 benefactors of this college10 in their gilt-framed pictures1 looked on with the cold impartiality of ,gallio4 8,topers was a brilliant man10 said ,miller1 free from his ,archdeacon3 8he had the marvellous gift of concentration which so few possess40 8,would you call it absorption1 ,canon80 murmured ,johnson3 and there was a stifled laugh1 which annoyed ,miller3 ,topers' weakness was notorious4 8,concentration1 ,i prefer4 ,day after day he used to go to ,parker's1 the bookseller's in the ,broad1 and take up the new book of the day4 ,as he stood there1 he read in spite of all distractions1 and picked the entire marrow of it before he came away4 ,what a faculty for a barrister1 a judge1 a statesman to possess6 ,yet he did nothing but make epigrammatical remarks which are mostly forgotten4 ,i never meet a man called ,littler without thinking of ,topers4 ,littler came up for viv voce in ,collections3 #8,mr4 ,littler1' said ,topers with venomous looks1 #8your ,greek prose is disgusting1 your ,latin prose is disgusting1 your translation is disgusting1 and your name is ungrammatical4'0 8,what was his name80 asked ,goodfellow1 whose mind travels slowly4 8,topers10 said the narrator hastily1 determined that there should be no more post mortems2 and went on1 while ,goodfellow pondered on the grammatical defects of this proper noun3 8,it was severe2 but a more caustic address is recorded of the great ,dean ,mansel4 ,that eminent philosopher was examining a raw ,cockney in ,greek4 ,the lad came to the word #8hippos1' which he pronounced #8ippos1' and translated #8orse4' #8,i can understand your calling it ,,orse1' drawled ,mansel1 #8for ,i suppose your father and mother called it ,,orse1 and you never heard it called anything else3 but ,i can't conceive why you should call it ,,ippos1 because ,i don't suppose they ever heard the expression4'0 8,mansel was great10 ,oldbury remarked3 8,tommy ,short was brilliant3 greatest and most brilliant was ,henry ,smith of ,balliol4 ,did you ever hear his comment on the mathematical papers of two of his friends8 ,brown and ,jones were in for what is called #8,second ,schools1' that is to say1 a pass in ,mathematical ,greats after the ,classical ,honours examination4 #8,how did you get on to-day1 ,mr4 ,brown8' he asked4 8,brown produced the paper of ,questions3 #8,in the ,euclid ,i did that1 and that1 and that2 ,i left out those1 and ,i had a shot at those4 ,in the ,algebra ,i did those1 and left out those4' 8#8,oh yes1' said ,smith1 without faintest comment3 #8and ,mr4 ,jones1 what did he do8' 8#8,in the ,euclid he did those1 and left out those2 in the ,algebra he did those and left out those4' 8#8,oh yes1' said ,smith with increased politeness3 #8then ,i should think he would be ploughed ,,too4'0 ,what evil spirit prompted ,robin ,goodfellow to rush into the fray8 ,when was any anecdote of his not condemned8 ,yet at this moment he started forward3 8,i say1 ,i heard a good story the other day10 he began1 chuckling feebly at the reminiscence2 8and ,i doubt if even you1 ,miller1 ever heard it before4 ,a woman brought her girl to be christened1 and when the parson1 you know1 asked her to name the child1 she said1 #8,luthy thir1' because she lisped1 don't you know4 #8,lucifer6' said the parson1 #8you might as well call him ,beelzebub3 ,i shall christen him ,john1' and so he did4 ,good1 wasn't it80 ,the story was not well received4 8,you've forgotten the end1 ,robin10 shouted one man3 8when ,i first heard that story at a private school in ,lancashire about thirty years ago1 it went on3 8,but the father muttered1 #8,tha'st called hoo ,jahn1 and hoo's a wench4'0 7,general assent47 ,the ,canon rose wrathfully from his seat3 8,goodfellow1 you call that a new story6 do you know that it is to be found in the #8,life of ,st4 ,augustine1' in the chapter describing his reception in ,kent in the year #eif8 ,where is the book80 ,and he went to the bookshelves1 picked up a huge folio1 and read with some fluency3 ,inde1 precibus finitis1 postquam omnes dispersi essent1 advenit femina filiolam in manibus gerens4 8,quid petis1 mea filia0 inquit ,augustinus3 8,ut infantem baptizare velis0 respondet mater4 7,h'm1 it's very poor print47 ,quo concesso omnes redierunt1 et ad ,fontem aggrediebantur4 8,now that is very interesting10 interposed ,johnson1 to give the ,canon time4 8,you see #8,fons' would not be the font1 of course1 but a spring3 ,augustine1 no doubt1 was preaching on a hillside1 and at the foot in the meadow there would be a fons1 or spring4 ,i beg pardon for interrupting you1 ,miller40 8,not at all10 said the ,canon1 grinning with complete understanding of the motive3 he had spent the interval in careful study of the folio1 and now resumed more easily3 8,nomina hunc infantem0 inquit sacerdos4 8,lu-lu-lucia0 respondit illa1 balbutiens propter quandam hesitationem lingu4 8,quid dixisti1 mulier80 petit ,augustinus2 quippe qui--78#8quippe qui' is good10 muttered ,johnson to me7--post tot pericula per terram et mare1 et tantos labores paululum surdus erat2-- 8,is it #8erat' or #8esset'80 enquired ,johnson1 with kindly concern for the ,latinity of ,augustine1 or his biographer4 8#8,esset' of course3 it's the vilest print10 said the ,canon1 smothering a laugh3 8where was ,i8 h'm1 h'm03 surdus esset3 8num audes infanti mox ,christiano futuro nomen ,luciferum ascribere8 quem ego certe ,johannem appellare mallem02 et ita factum est4 8,there1 ,goodfellow1 ,i think that settles the antiquity of your story40 ,with furtive laughter we applauded the student of ,augustine4 ,robin1 who like ,cedric at ,torquilstone1 was a little deaf in his ,latin ear1 asked to be allowed to read the passage for himself3 but it happened most unfortunately that as the book was being handed to him1 it fell1 and the reference was lost1 nor could it be found again4 ,the conversation was hurriedly changed by ,johnson1 who congratulated the ,canon on his intimate acquaintance with the ,fathers1 and also with the ,latin language4 8,some of us10 he went on to say1 8get a little rusty in our dead languages4 ,last month ,i was dining with my squire 7who1 you know1 is a scholarly man7 and a clerical friend1 who shall be nameless1 was there4 ,the squire reads the lessons for me3 he does it well1 and the people like to hear him4 ,after dinner he suddenly asked me whether in reading the ,revelation he ought to say #8-mg' as a dactyl with the accent on the ,o1 or #8 mgger' as two words1 if you understand me4 ,i said the latter might be right1 but it would be as pedantic as ,samara1 or ,alexandra3 ,i preferred the former4 ,and my clerical brother volunteered approval3 he said it was mg in the original ,hebrew4 ,and he made the statement quite with the air of a man who had the gift of tongues more than we all4 ,the squire stared1 but we made no remark1 and the fellow's complacency was undisturbed40 ,oldbury remarked that not all of us lose our acquaintance with the classics4 ,he had written lately to the ,bishop in reply to a request for information as to church attendance3 and had stated that on ,sunday mornings the attendance was very good1 especially in the case of aged people2 but whether that was due to piety1 or to the necessity of adducing regular church-going as a condition precedent of benefiting by ,tomkins' dole1 he should be sorry to say4 ,and the ,bishop wrote back3 8,sit dolus1 an virtus1 quis in hoste requirat80 ,oldbury considered that neat4 ,but ,miller objected that it only went to show that even a bishop knew the second 8neid40 8,a little knowledge is a dangerous thing10 said a man opposite1 who was the ,diocesan ,inspector of ,religious ,knowledge2 8,i was complaining to ,squire ,b41 who1 you know1 made his money in the ,black ,country1 about the character of his schoolmaster1 a notoriously intemperate man3 8#8,well of course1' replied the squire1 #8if we ever found him drunk1 we should give him his sine qu non at once4'0 ,goodfellow had been pondering silently4 ,at this point he pushed his chair near ,johnson's1 and whispered1 8,i say1 did ,joe ,miller make up all that rot about ,st4 ,augustine80 8,my dear chap10 replied ,johnson soothingly1 8what1 all that8 #8,bradley's ,exercises' couldn't have done it right off3 it would have taken ,cicero all his time40 8,well1 of course1 it was a long story10 ,robin admitted2 and confidence was partially restored4 ,a bold stroke of ,miller's completed the work4 ,i think he must have overheard part of ,robin's question1 as he passed behind us to concoct a parting drink for ,o',brien4 ,he returned with a post card in his hand4 8,talking of ,latin reminds me that ,i got a ,latin postcard from an old ,oxford friend this morning1 which you may like to hear3 8#8,dives quidam ad portas'--h'm1 let me translate it to save time40 ,a certain rich man having arrived at the gates of heaven begged ,st4 ,peter to admit him into the company of the blest4 8,admit thee1 ,o ,dives80 said the holy janitor3 8what good thing hast thou done in thy life80 ,dives paulisper meditatus--er--that is1 after a little thought ,dives replied1 8,once ,i gave an obol to a poor man who asked an alms of me40 8,one obol6 thou60 said the saint3 8is there nothing more of good80 8,and another time10 pleaded ,dives1 8on a very cold day1 a poor boy1 scantily clad and ill fed1 offered to sell me for an obol a box of fire-bringing sticks 7,i suppose ,dives meant matches71 and moved with compassion1 ,i gave him the obol1 nor accepted the sticks40 ,the saint1 much perplexed1 turning to the ,archangel ,michael1 enquires what should be done3 8,o sancte ,petre0 inquit ille1 8hunc duobus obolis donatum ad ,orcum demittas40 8,which1 ,i think1 we may translate #8give him twopence1 and send him downstairs4' ,like to see the card1 ,goodfellow80 ,and ,robin was satisfied1 though the ,latin was beyond his grasp4 8,is it ,st4 ,augustine80 he asked4 8,ulpian1 ,i think1 from the style10 replied ,miller2 and ,robin tacitly admitted ,ulpian into the company of ,early ,fathers4 8,i have a lot of these cards10 said ,miller2 8my friend supplies me with the ,common ,room anecdotes in this inexpensive manner4 ,here is another1 which ,i give in ,english--for the sake of the ,inspector30 ,a certain undergraduate1 erudite and devout1 ,puseyite and ,augustan1 went to his ,father-,confessor2 and1 the secrets of his heart having been revealed1 asked for absolution not without penance4 8,thou hast erred1 my son10 said the priest1 devout but not erudite2 8go to thy chamber and recite the ,attendte40 8,it is short1 father10 said the young man shuddering4 8,then say it twice10 replied the ,confessor with placid countenance4 8,what is the ,attendte80 ,i asked4 8,the #ghth ,psalm1 #8,attendte1 popule1' #8,hear ,my law1 ,o ye people'2 #aeth evening1 don't you know80 8,short60 said ,goodfellow3 8it's #gc verses60 ,and he hasn't seen the joke yet4 ,o',brien finished his stirrup-cup1 and obtained leave to go home3 he had a seven miles' drive4 ,i was not sorry to lose him1 for ,i disliked the man1 though he had the merit of furnishing the diocese with a good story4 ,it is said that when he went up for ,ordination1 the ,bishop put him up for the night1 or nights1 at the ,palace with the other candidates2 and on the ,saturday night1 though there were no outside guests1 the examining chaplains and the future priests and deacons made a large party at dinner4 ,about half way through the meal the attention of all was arrested by the voice of ,mr4 ,o',brien addressing the ,bishop3 8,have ye read my sermon1 my lord80 7,it appears that each candidate had to submit a sample sermon for the episcopal criticism47 8,not yet1 ,mr4--er----0 8,o',brien1 my lord40 8,mr4 ,o',brien1 ,i have not yet had time3 may ,i ask what is the subject that you have chosen80 8,it's on the ,atonement1 my lord40 ,the ,bishop shuddered1 and replied coldly3 8,you have chosen a very difficult subject1 ,mr4 ,o',brien40 8,faith1 my lord1 it's signs ye haven't read it1 or ye'd say it was easy enough40 ,but he was ordained1 and1 still more surprising1 he found a woman with money to marry him4 ,with her money he bought a good living and settled down in the country4 ,as the late ,master of ,trinity would have said1 8,the little time he could spare from the neglect of his parochial duties he devoted to the breeding of prize poultry20 and on that point his opinion was deemed valuable4 ,also he had the national fluency1 and the ,colonial and ,continental ,society offered him holiday chaplaincies in the choicest spots of ,middle ,europe4 8,what is the name of ,dr4 ,o',brien's parish80 ,i asked the ,canon1 when he came back from the door3 8,i don't meet him in any school40 8,exby3 he succeeded a very different man1 old ,wright1 of whom many stories are told4 ,it is not a college living1 but ,wright had been a don for many years1 and1 having a good bit of money1 bought ,exby sooner than wait any longer for ,zedtown1 his fat college living4 ,he never married1 and he kept up his ,common ,room habits1 especially including the rubber1 which was the delight of his life4 ,but he was a very prudent man1 and he didn't like losing his money4 ,if he was losing1 he went to bed early3 if he was winning1 he would sit up all night1 or as long as he could get the other men to sit up4 ,one night1 they say1 he had a great run of luck1 and went on playing till after the early hours of the morning3 in fact1 it was about five1 when they heard a most fearful rumbling in the chimney1 increasing in noise1 till at last with a cloud of soot a black apparition in human form descended1 and stood on the hearthstone4 8,i may tell you in confidence that it was only the sweep3 his proceedings were perfectly in order1 but the servants had omitted to notify the ,rector that the visit was impending4 8,the gamblers1 and especially the ,rector1 reasonably concluded that it was the ,prince of ,darkness1 who had come to carry them off2 and they started from the table4 ,old ,wright dropped on his knees1 and held up his trembling hands with a goodly assortment of trumps and court-cards1 and stammered out3 8#8,spare me1 oh1 spare me1 till ,i have finished the rubber4'0 ,all the 8,ruri-deacons10 as ,miller called them1 knew the story2 but familiarity with it even now cannot hinder me from laughing in sleepless hours of the night at the picture of the blear-eyed four1 with shattered nerves1 clinging to the table1 and gazing at the still more startled sweep4 8,i knew ,wright10 said one on my right3 8he told me he used to keep his store of money in #e notes which he hid in a volume of ,tillotson's sermons in his study4 ,i asked1 #8,why ,tillotson8' and he said1 #8,because it is not likely that a burglar would be fond of sermons1 and if he was1 he wouldn't want to read ,tillotson4'0 ,it needs some acquaintance with ,tillotson to get the full aroma of this appreciation4 8,he was a great man for schools1 ,inspector10 said another3 8used to do all the thrashing for the schoolmistress2 and one time he did his duty to a boy so nobly that the mother came to complain4 #8,you know1 parson1' she said1 #8as ,scripture says as a man should be merciful to his beast4' 8#8,but he wasn't my beast1 ,mrs4 ,green1' retorted old ,wright3 and she was so much pleased with the homely repartee that she retired chuckling40 8,have you met ,o',brien's new ,curate1 ,rogers1 yet80 said ,johnson to the ,rural ,dean4 8,a very different man from our friend4 ,he told me of a singular experience that befell a fellow student3 he was1 you know1 formerly a ,dissenter of sorts1 and was educated at one of their colleges40 8,that accounts for the excellence of his preaching1 ,i suppose80 said our cynical host4 8,no doubt10 replied the narrator coolly2 8any how1 he is a good fellow4 ,well1 at those colleges it is the custom to send out students to preach in outlying districts1 both to give them the confidence that comes from experiments on vile bodies1 and also to keep the cause together4 ,one ,saturday afternoon ,rogers' friend was sent off with instructions to go some miles by train2 then to walk two miles to ,blankby2 and there to ask the way to ,mudby1 where one ,john ,hodge would put him up for the night4 ,he got all right to ,blankby1 and so on to ,mudby4 ,then he enquired for ,mr4 ,hodge4 8#8,which ,mr4',odge would 'a be8' 8,he explained that he was going to preach at the chapel next day2 and it was agreed that ,jahn ',odge o' th' owd farm1 being great wi' th' chapel folk1 was like to be the mon1 and full directions were given4 ,as that sort of people always tells you #8right1' when they mean #8left1' it was late and dark when the missioner arrived4 ,old ,mrs4 ,hodge opened the door1 and admitted his plea for hospitality4 ,her husband had not yet come in4 ,it was a mere cottage1 and the evening meal did not take long4 ,noticing that her guest was weary1 the dame suggested1 #8'appen yo'd loike ta goo ta bed8' ,he gladly agreed1 and followed his hostess4 ,as he went1 it struck him that there were not many rooms1 but it was not his affair1 and he was soon in bed and asleep4 ,he knew not at what later hour he felt a dig in the ribs1 saw a light1 and heard ,mrs4 ,hodge's voice3 8#8,thee move a bit furder on1 yoong mon3 theer's me an' my owd mon to coom yet4'0 8,oh1 but that is good10 shouted ,miller1 8and ,i don't care whether it is true or not4 ,not going away1 ,oldbury8 ,tell the ,inspector the story of ,wilberforce and ,lady ,a4 before you go4 ,he has never heard it40 8,i always obey my ,rural ,dean10 said ,oldbury4 8,the story was told me many years ago by a pillar of the ,church1 and ,i think it is little known4 8,it was at the time of the ,crimean ,war that the ,bishop was dining at a solemn banquet given by one of the ,peelite ,ministry of that time4 ,there were three or four ministers present1 and among the ladies was an illustrious ,marchioness1 ,lady ,a4 ,she sat next to the ,bishop1 and when the solemnity of the statesmen had killed all other conversation1 they became aware that the ,church and the world were still full of life4 ,and this is what they heard3 ,lady ,a4 ,do you ever go down to ,boreham now1 ,bishop8 ,bishop4 ,it is seldom that ,i can find time3 but from old associations the place has a peculiar interest for me4 ,last year ,i was fortunate enough to be able to accept an invitation from my friend ,mr4 ,goodheart1 and at dinner ,i sat next a very worthy1 elderly1 man of the name of ,polycarp1 who in a very touching manner was recounting to me the many blessings which he had received in the course of a life prolonged beyond the usual limits4 ,lady ,a4 7stifling a yawn74 ,dear me1 ,bishop4 ,bishop4 ,yes3 and it appeared that he considered the chief of his blessings to be that he had had twenty-three children4 ,and while ,i was trying to find words to express my opinion that some people might regard that as a not unmixed blessing1 a black-eyed lady1 whom ,i had observed to be listening with much attention to our conversation1 leant across the table1 and said with remarkable distinctness3 #8,only ,sixteen by me1 ,mr4 ,polycarp4'0 8,good-night1 ,miller4 ,good-night1 ,mr4 ,inspector40 ,solvuntur risu tabulae2 they all went home4 ,but the night was still young1 and ,miller and ,i drew up our chairs to the fire4 8,good men1 and true60 said the ,rural ,dean1 turning over in his hands a bundle of the ,oxford postcards4 ,i was turning over in my mind the men to whom ,i had just bidden farewell4 ,one puzzled me3 8,who was the big man with gold spectacles1 sitting next ,o',brien2 hardly spoke a word all the time80 ,i asked4 8,gold spectacles8 ,oh1 old ,weights of ,slobury2 most worthy1 but not lively4 ,there is a story of him4 ,it is said that when the new railway was being made through his parish1 he one day paid a pastoral visit to the navvies' huts2 and having gained admission to one hut1 he talked and read till the master grew weary1 and suggested that it was about tea-time4 ,weights took the hint1 and his leave4 ,as he closed the door1 the man pointed compassionately over his shoulder at the ponderously retreating figure1 and muttered3 8#8,theer goos a good navvy--spiled4'0 8,but here1 ,inspector10 he continued1 8here is a postcard that will suit you4 ,you were at ,balliol1 were you not80 ,he gave it to me1 and it may be anglicised thus3 ,a traveller in ,central ,africa was surprised and carried off by hostile natives1 who brought him before their chief4 ,a drum-head court-martial was held1 and sentence of death was speedily passed4 ,but while the executioner was making the necessary preparations1 the tribe were ransacking his baggage1 and one of them with a shout of joy held up an ,oxford blazer of the ,balliol pattern4 ,the chief saw it1 and his grim features relaxed4 ,in excellent ,english he said-- 8,were you at ,balliol8 ,so was ,i3 you may go4 ,good old ,jowett60 7,abi in pacem3 ,jowettii1 et nostrum1 haud immemor47 ,,chapter ,,xiii ,,cheshire 8,then there is the ,county ,palatine40 ,merchant of ,venice4 ,three profitable years ,i spent in ,norfolk1 learning my business1 and ,i became weary of exile4 ,when on my appointment ,i received my instructions from the ,secretary1 he said that1 looking to my experience gained as ,inspector of ,returns1 it was not necessary that ,i should serve any further apprenticeship3 ,i 8need not take up my headquarters in ,norfolk40 ,this in official language meant that as soon as possible ,i should be given a district of my own2 and in my ignorance of official life ,i took no thought for the morrow4 ,but1 as my third year of expatriation began to draw to a close1 it occurred to me that the ,secretary was not personally interested in me1 and that in the ,civil ,service1 as elsewhere1 a man who wants promotion must see that he gets it4 ,i reminded ,sir ,francis that ,i was hungry--not for promotion1 but for amotion to less remoteness4 ,he at once admitted my claim1 and created a new district for me1 the headquarters of which would be ,king's ,lynn1 and the territory ,west ,norfolk and ,east ,cambridgeshire4 ,i remember that ,wisbech and ,whittlesey were included4 ,i never saw either1 but ,i should class them with ,timbuctoo and ,borrioboola ,gha4 ,my capital had a population of #ag1jjj1 and a member of ,parliament3 the grass grew in the streets1 and on ,tuesdays the cattle from the ,hinterland came to market and ate it down4 ,there was no ,grand hotel1 and no place where ,i could lodge2 it would be necessary to take a house1 and manage it4 ,matrimony stared me in the face4 ,the greater part of the aforesaid ,hinterland was fen district1 imprudently reclaimed from the great dismal swamp4 ,i pointed out these drawbacks to the ,secretary1 and he kindly suggested that ,i should beguile the tedium of existence by shooting gulls4 ,it might have come to secretary-birds4 ,in a few weeks ,providence intervened4 ,i heard that ,h4,m4,i4 at ,chester wanted1 for family reasons1 to live near ,lynn3 would ,i change8 ,i felt as ,clive must have felt when the pistol1 which he snapped at his own head1 failed to go off4 8,he burst forth 7says ,macaulay7 into an exclamation that surely he was reserved for something great40 ,can it ever at any other time have happened that a man wanted to leave ,chester to go to ,king's ,lynn8 ,with great difficulty ,i persuaded ,sir ,francis that to the ,cheshire and ,norfolk people it must be a matter of profound indifference whether ,gyas or ,cloanthus inspected their schools4 ,granted that ,cheshire suffered loss1 yet how pleasant to think of the joy of ,norfolk4 ,he grudgingly agreed1 and in due course it was arranged4 ,on ,october #a1 #ahgg1 ,i took charge of the ,chester district4 ,we read at times in the history of great men that after some turning-point in their career they 8never looked back40 ,i am not a great man1 and in one sense ,i often looked back4 ,there were many days when ,i thought of my successor2 in winter frostbitten in the fens2 in spring shivering in a dogcart1 beating up against the east wind1 smothered with yellow dust on ,roudham ,heath2 at any time of the year wearily waiting for slow trains at dismal roadside stations3 and at such times the old pious ejaculation rose to my lips1 8,there but for the ,grace of ,god goes poor ,john ,bradford40 ,for ,i had got the best1 or at least the most comfortable1 district in ,england4 ,in six months ,i was relieved of the eastern side of ,cheshire1 and my limit was a radius of from #aj to #bj miles round ,chester4 ,there were eight railway lines centred in the ancient city to carry me about1 and on some of the lines trains were frequent4 ,the school inspections had been so craftily arranged that ,i could spend the winter months in ,birkenhead1 where all the travelling was done in cabs2 the spring in and around ,chester1 where there were hansom cabs instead of the perilous dogcart2 the summer months in the more distant places at the end of my chain2 and the autumn in the ,wirral peninsula1 between the ,dee and the ,mersey4 ,late in the 'eighties an old colleague asked why ,i did not apply for a ,london district1 and so get rid of all the travelling4 ,there was the leading case of ,s4 who used to inspect the four northern counties1 giving six months to ,northumberland and ,durham1 and six to ,cumberland and ,westmorland3 now he had a compact area in ,east ,london1 a mile across one way1 and a mile and a quarter the other4 8,and a yellow fog by way of a change from a black fog1 and absolute monotony of schools all the year round10 ,i replied3 8town children differing only in degrees of dirt2 school buildings which would not be tolerated outside the large towns2 and managers who take a cab to ,whitehall1 if they don't like their ,report4 ,and at the back1 and using private and political influence at the ,office1 a ,debating ,society calling itself the ,london ,school ,board4 ,here in ,cheshire ,i get variety4 ,on ,monday ,i had a town school of #djj boys in a black hole3 on ,tuesday a suburban school of #aej girls in a beautiful building with a lavish supply of teachers3 on ,wednesday ,i drove #aj miles to a country village1 where the whole #de lambs of the flock were collected in what an esteemed inspector called #8a third class waiting-room and a jam cupboard4' ,i am going to get ,monday's school shut up in #ab months3 in ,london it would take #ab years4 ,london6 ,i had rather be a country dog1 and bay the moon40 ,he admitted that the ,school ,board was as bad as the fog4 ,h4,m4,i4 is all but powerless in ,board ,schools2 the ,board inspectors hold the purse strings and control the promotion1 and if ,h4,m4,i4 tries to raise the standard of education to the level of other towns the ,board combine with the teachers to worry his life out4 8,but10 he added1 8,h4,m4,i4 sometimes has an innings and scores freely4 ,did you hear about ,bouncer8 ,member of the ,board1 you know3 prominent educational reformer4 ,went down to a ,board ,school the other day1 and walked through the class-rooms4 ,when he got to ,standard ,v4 he found them sitting upright1 and a middle-aged sort of man balanced on the fireguard in front of the class4 8#8,hallo1' said ,bouncer1 #8what is this class doing8' 8#8,at present1' said the middle-aged man1 not liking the ,bouncerian manner1 #8they are doing nothing4' 8#8,nothing6 then they had better go home1' snorted ,bouncer4 8#8,not a bad idea1' said the middle-aged man meditatively4 8,bouncer was furious4 #8,pray1 sir1' he asked1 #8do you know who ,i am8' 8#8,haven't a notion1' said the middle-aged man4 8#8,my name is ,bouncer1 sir1 ,john ,bouncer2 and ,i am a member of the ,school ,management ,committee4' 8#8,ah1' said the man on the fireguard1 #8and do you know who ,i am8' 8#8,you1 sir8 ,no1 ,i do ,,not know4' 8#8,i am the inspector1 what you call ,her ,majesty's ,inspector of ,schools4 ,now1 boys1 here is teacher with the map of ,europe4 ,what is the capital of ,herzegovina8'0 ,i thought ,i would do without ,bouncer4 ,no one behaved like that in ,west ,cheshire3 ,i should be frightened4 8,and then10 ,i continued1 8look at my playground4 ,there are three railways to take me into ,wales2 eighty minutes to ,llandudno1 three and a half hours to the foot of ,snowdon1 two and a half hours to the foot of ,cader ,idris4 ,do you offer me ,margate and ,primrose ,hill80 ,so ,i abode in ,chester for twenty-five years4 ,this is not a biography4 ,i got to know the whole district topographically and individually--managers1 teachers1 and children4 ,a new generation of managers sprang up2 many of the teachers had been children under my inspection2 the children were the sons and daughters of my earliest victims4 ,the buildings had grown up with the teachers and children2 there were few1 indeed1 that had not been enlarged1 modernised1 or practically reconstructed1 and many of them brought pleasant recollections of hard fought battles waged with managers for the sake of the children1 or with the powers of darkness for the sake of both managers and children4 ,but ,i began to think that ,i had been there too long4 ,we knew one another too well1 and there was an increasing danger of my standard being regarded as the standard standard4 ,so ,i mused1 and waited4 ,,chapter ,,xiv ,,my ,,lords 8,nay1 do not think ,i flatter3 ,for what advancement may ,i hope from thee80 ,hamlet4 ,some years ago the present chronicler and others were staying at a small hotel in a remote corner of ,silesia4 ,after breakfast the waiter appeared and addressed the linguist of the party4 ,what did the ,herrschaft propose8 he should recommend the ascent of the ,flaschenberg4 ,at what hour would the ,herrschaft dine8 8,what does he call us80 ,i asked the linguist4 8,herrschaft10 he said3 8,their ,lordships2 you ought to know40 ,we were 8,my ,lords06 ,probably some ,hanoverian monarch had imported the title from ,germany1 and had applied it to a ,committee of the ,privy ,council4 ,under this sign they conquered4 ,it took the place of the kingly and editorial ,,we4 ,it called up a vision of phantasmal1 coroneted heads1 shaking a negative1 more rarely nodding an affirmative4 ,in front there might seem to be a ,secretary1 an ,assistant ,secretary1 even a clerk3 but when the suppliant got as far as 8,what ho6 ,arrest me that agency10 the official vanished1 and there was but a voice1 8,my ,lords regret40 8,and so the vision fadeth40 ,with this weapon they put to silence inquisitive members of the ,opposition1 who 8wanted to know0 things better unknown3 with this they conquered ,school ,boards and school managers of all denominations3 with this they even tried to intimidate ,h4,m4 ,inspectors themselves1 who well knew that it was no lion that roared1 but only ,snug the joiner4 ,my ,lords were but a ,parliamentary fiction2 in theory composed of the ,lord ,president1 the ,first ,lord of the ,treasury1 and some ,secretaries of ,state3 in practice they had no existence2 but ,i think the ,whitehall staff had by long 8making believe0 persuaded themselves that they were flesh and blood4 ,a newly appointed examiner would go to his immediate superior with a letter from the ,school ,board of ,swaggerby1 protesting against a deduction of one-tenth from the annual grant paid in respect of the ,slum ,street ,board ,school3 how should he reply8 8,pooh1 pooh3 it's ,article #cb1 c4 7#c73 tell them to go to the deuce40 ,and the beardless stripling would sit down1 and write3-- 8,adverting to your letter of the #bdth inst41 ,i am directed to inform you that ,my ,lords regret that ,they are unable to reconsider ,their decision in the matter4 ,i am to refer you to ,art4 #cb1 c4 7#c7 of the ,code2 and ,i am to add that ,their ,lordships will look for a marked improvement in the results of the next examination as a condition of the payment of any further grant40 ,the capital letter prefixed to the third personal pronoun always seemed to me the height of impertinent arrogance4 ,but the examiners enjoyed it immensely2 and ,i am convinced that1 if they ever went to church and heard the petition in the ,litany supplicating wisdom and understanding for the ,lords of the ,council1 they mentally added1 8,meaning ,,us1 though ,,we are already well supplied40 ,the composition of the ,education ,department was very simple in #ahgb when ,i trod the corridors4 ,at that time elementary education pure and simple was controlled from ,whitehall4 ,science and art were the care of another establishment1 which we knew as 8,south ,kensington40 ,the ,montague and ,capulet retainers never met2 only they bit their thumbs when the other house was mentioned4 ,when--in the later 'seventies--we began to clash1 science and art were considered pastimes for retired officers1 who had exchanged the sword for an ,h4,b4 pencil1 and all sorts of majors and captains used to be mixed up with the study thereof4 ,they used to examine in drawing1 and they conducted examinations in ,may and ,december with a code of regulations of their own composing4 ,they even invented an envelope with a fastening that reminded one of ,rob ,roy's purse--78the simplicity of the contrivance to secure a furred pouch1 which could have been ripped open without any attempt on the spring1 c407--and when1 as occasionally happened1 we were appealed to for help in superintending their examinations at the training colleges1 we danced in fetters of red-tape4 ,it used to be told of one of the best known of the ,whitehall officials1 ,f4 ,t4 ,palgrave1 of ,golden ,treasury fame1 that a school manager once interviewed him on some grievance1 and1 getting little satisfaction1 enquired whether he might ask whom he had the honour of addressing4 8,oh1 certainly10 said he1 8my name is ,francis ,palgrave40 ,the visitor thanked him1 but explained that he rather wished to know the official's rank3 for instance1 was his opinion final8 8,not at all10 replied ,palgrave airily2 8,i am what they call a ,senior ,examiner3 above me are the three ,assistant ,secretaries1 ,mr4 ,a41 ,mr4 ,b41 and ,mr4 ,c43 above them is the ,secretary1 ,sir ,francis ,sandford3 above him the ,vice-,president1 ,mr4 ,forster3 above him the ,lord ,president1 ,lord ,ripon3 and above him1 ,i believe1 the ,almighty40 ,i served the ,department1 or ,board1 in one capacity or another and with some interval for more than thirty-five years4 ,in all that time ,i never saw a ,lord ,president1 and ,i should often have found it hard to tell the name of the reigning potentate if ,i had been asked suddenly4 ,he was always a peer3 ,i dimly remember two dukes1 two marquises1 some earls1 and a viscount4 ,barons were nothing accounted of4 ,it was said that when ,greville1 the diarist1 sometime ,clerk of the ,council1 had attended his first ,council meeting1 some one asked a ,cabinet ,minister whether he had noticed that they had a new clerk3 and the noble lord replied1 8,not ,i2 when the tall footman puts coals on the fire1 do you suppose ,i notice whether it is ,charles or ,james80 ,and the remark being repeated to ,greville induced him to form a low estimate of the statesman4 ,that was very much our attitude towards the ,lord ,president of the ,council4 ,for our master at the ,education ,department of the ,privy ,council was master of all the branches of that ,vehmegericht1 if ,i may adopt ,sir ,walter ,scott's spelling4 ,i believe agriculture and public health were our rivals in his affections1 and it was often said that the chief knew more about cattle plague than he did about the education code4 ,in actual practice he confined himself 7as we understood7 to the patronage2 that is to say1 to the appointment of the indoor staff 7examiners7 and outdoor staff 7inspectors74 ,sometimes a ,lord ,president would take the same kindly interest in education that his wife might take in the gardens of the family place2 liking to see a good show of flowers1 and at times venturing to give a hint to the head-gardener1 but shrinking back if that magnate showed signs of impatience or resentment4 ,it was even said of one ,lord ,president that he liked to read reports1 if type-written1 on educational matters2 but we were warned1 8you mustn't talk to him about ,p4,t4's and ,article #fh or ,circular #cba3 he dislikes technical details40 ,alas6 the ,lord ,president is extinct as the mammoth4 ,the ,vice-,president1 known in the ,office as the ,v4,p41 was a much more real person4 ,he was always in the ,lower ,house1 and quite often was chosen for some fancied fitness for the post4 ,it was his duty to defend the ,office and the ,inspectors against the attacks of numerous enemies1 and once a year1 late in the ,session1 when the ,house was getting thin1 he was allowed to move the ,estimates1 and to make a nice long speech4 ,for anything ,i know to the contrary he may have thought that he both reigned and governed4 ,but the ever watchful ,permanent ,secretary knew better4 ,let us hear ,susan ,nipper on a similar situation4 ,oh6 bless your heart1 ,mrs4 ,richards1 temporaries always order permanencies here1 didn't you know that8 ,why1 wherever was you born1 ,mrs4 ,richards8 ,but wherever you was born1 and whenever1 and however 7which is best known to yourself71 you may bear in mind1 please1 that it's one thing to give orders and quite another thing to take 'em4--7,dombey47 ,there was often a good deal of ,nipperism in the ,secretary when the temporary ,v4,p4 wanted to give orders4 ,the outdoor staff troubled itself very little about the temporaries4 ,almost every new ,v4,p4 came in like a lion1 and rumours would reach us from time to time that the new man was giving trouble1 and might be expected to produce a new ,code4 ,generally the malady took the form of what we may call ,circularitis1#ag and after that the patient experienced relief4 ,when the furthest recesses of our peninsula had been made to tremble at the new policy1 the afflicted man began to amend1 and the disease yielded to treatment at the hands of the permanent physician4 ,then he went out like a lamb4 ,of all the ,v4,p4's of my era1 the most obtrusive was ,mr4 ,anthony ,john ,mundella4 ,everyone knows ,tacitus' estimate of ,galba1 that 8by universal consent he was fit for empire1 if he had not been an emperor40 ,but ,i doubt if even this faint praise could be given to ,mundella4 ,he was made ,vice-,president1 we may suppose1 to pacify the ,birmingham ,league1 to keep the fussy man himself quiet1 to satisfy the advanced wing of the party4 ,and it was generally conceded that no man ever in the office was more keenly interested in education2 no man more anxious to do and say the right thing4 ,at times he soared above earth1 and won admiration for his absence of pretence1 and his strenuous endeavours to carry out what he conceived to be the right policy4 ,but no one could have thought him fit to govern4 ,he had never held office before1 and neither the manufacture of hosiery1 nor the part which he had played in the local politics of ,nottingham had fitted him for the difficult and delicate task which fell upon him4 ,men in the ,office said he was a pulpit-cushion thumper1 and nothing more3 he was incapable of deciding a case submitted to him4 ,moreover1 as is often the case in similar circumstances1 he could not work with men above him1 or below him4 ,it was told me by one in the secrets of the ,office that the ,secretary went one day in subdued fury to the ,lord ,president with a paper in his hand4 8,look10 he said1 8what ,mr4 ,mundella has said to me40 ,the noble earl read it1 and said soothingly1 8,i assure you that this is nothing to what he says to me40 ,the argument1 if it can be so called1 is a bad one2 for a rude remark to a subordinate differs from a rude remark to a superior4 ,but pity for the helpless chieftain stayed the other's wrath4 ,on the retirement of ,sir ,francis ,sandford1 in #ahhd1 ,mundella determined to have a secretary after his own heart4 ,sir ,francis had recommended the appointment of one of the ablest of the ,inspectorate as his successor1 and the ,lord ,president had agreed3 but when this was revealed to ,mundella1 he protested vehemently that the ,board ,schools would not be safe in such hands1 and insisted on the appointment of ,mr4 ,cumin1 then an assistant secretary in the ,office4 ,the ,president adhered to his choice1 and ,mundella straight-way seized a piece of paper1 wrote his resignation1 and handed it to his superior officer4 ,what could be done8 ,it is easy to say with ,dogberry1 8,why1 then1 take no note of him1 but let him go1 and thank ,god that you are rid of--an undesirable person40 ,but the situation was difficult4 ,mundella would have given his reasons in the ,house1 and would have stirred up the ,radicals against the old ,whigs3 the ,birmingham ,league and the ,dissenters in both camps would have supported their ,goliath against the ,whig ,david3 ,i think there was no remedy4 ,cumin was appointed4 ,it was not a good appointment2 but if the new secretary did not justify his patron's praises1 he equally failed to justify his expectations of favouritism4 ,the traditions of the ,office require that the permanent staff shall treat all classes and sects of schools with equal hand2 and though there were many willing to cast a stone at the ,secretary1 ,i cannot remember that he was ever accused of undue partiality to one type4 ,there were times1 whoever might be secretary1 when the balance seemed to be depressed on one side or the other2 but it was always explained by nods1 and upheaval of the shoulder that pointed to the ,v4,p4's room1 that ,,those ,,fellows were giving trouble4 ,in the last few months a recently emancipated secretary1 who employs his well-earned leisure in theological warfare1 has informed us that he 8puts ,protestantism before politics40 ,i believe ,i am correct in saying that during his long period of service in ,whitehall no one even suspected him of ecclesiastical prejudices4 ,this habit of mind ,mundella could not understand4 ,in office1 as in business1 he did not seem to run straight2 but when financial troubles caused his downfall1 men pitied him1 because they thought his errors1 there also1 were errors of judgment rather than of moral sense4 ,of other ,vice-,presidents before the arrival of ,sir ,john ,gorst1 ,i think ,mr4 ,acland was the most demonstrative4 ,he had been a clergyman in ,priest's ,orders1 but he 8renounced them all10 and entered ,parliament1 and in #ahib was made ,vice-,president by ,mr4 ,gladstone4 ,it was said that the ,premier was under the impression that his new ,minister had never gone beyond ,deacon's ,orders1 and that1 knowing that the abandonment of ,priest's ,orders involved excommunication1 he would with fuller knowledge have made another choice4 ,ecclesiastical law is one of the few subjects that ,i have never examined in1 and ,i repeat the canonical proposition without any warranty4 ,it may be a joke4 ,when ,mr4 ,gladstone is concerned1 one must always remember the excellent rule laid down by a critic in the ,times1 when reviewing a book of ,oxford anecdotes3 8,what one requires of a story 7at ,oxford7 is not that it should be true1 but that it should be suitable to the character of the man of whom it is told40 7,i quote from memory47 ,accepting the story with this reservation1 ,i think it was open to the new ,minister to retort that the change from ,tory ,m4,p4 for ,oxford to ,radical ,m4,p4 for ,mid ,lothian more richly deserved the greater excommunication4 ,however that may be1 the new ,v4,p4 had little sympathy with his former brethren4 ,his zeal for education was great1 but whether in ,whitehall or in the ,west ,riding it has always been the zeal of the tailless fox yearning to bite the well-tailed little ones4 ,to us inspectors much of this fury was welcome4 ,there were many schools which we had long been anxious to close on account of the defects of their buildings1 and always hitherto1 whether ,tories or ,radicals were in power1 we were thwarted by ,my ,lords4 ,now we began to hope4 ,but it was not till ,november1 #ahic1 that the ,v4,p4 succeeded in forging a weapon with which to smite his foes4 ,in that month appeared the famous ,circular #cba1 which demanded full information about the premises of every ,public ,elementary ,school1 and we spent a busy year in compiling the answers4 ,the mesh was narrow1 and if we had been properly supported in ,whitehall we should have netted all the offenders4 ,but there never was any backbone to ,my ,lords4 ,voluntary ,schools and ,board ,schools for once went hand-in-hand3 the backstairs of the ,office crawled with protestants of all denominations3 there ensued consternation1 procrastination1 prevarication4 ,in some districts we kept the fire banked up1 and in a later year1 with the help of the ,aid ,grant1#ah we moved4 ,but it required continual stoking4 ,excommunicated ,mr4 ,acland may be1 but many a child has to thank him for increased health and comfort2 and ,i trust that when he comes to work off his sentence in ,purgatory1 he may be able to plead these good works as an equitable set off4 ,the last of the ,v4,p4's1 and the only one that ,i ever saw1 was ,sir ,john ,gorst4 ,nature had not designed him for the position of second fiddler2 but the ,lord ,president1 finding that his understudy1 when he got hold of the first fiddle1 played out of tune and threw out the band1 insisted on his keeping the lower place4 ,this amused the ,house of ,commons1 and the ,duke omitted to stipulate that ,sir ,john never should 8,with arms encumbered thus1 or thus head shake1 ,or by pronouncing of some doubtful phrase1 ,as1 #8,well1 we know'2 or1 #8,there be1 an if there might'2 ,or such ambiguous giving out----0 intimate that some people could play fiddles better than others who had a great name4 ,then the ,secretary asserted that he was ,conductor1 whoever was playing first fiddle4 ,it was rumoured that there was incompatibility of temper in exalted circles4 8,what odds to ,hippokleides80 we said1 we others4 ,there came a new ,code1#ai that was to put elementary education on a really satisfactory basis4 ,this was so common a phenomenon that we hardly turned our heads to look at it3 but to our amazement it was followed by an invitation to attend at the ,foreign ,office one ,march day1 that we might hear the ,v4,p4's opinions on his new baby1 and on education generally4 ,we assembled from the ,solway to the ,channel1 from the ,irish ,sea to the ,german ,ocean4 ,whitehall lay down with ,south ,kensington1 and the great ,hall of the ,foreign ,office had a novel congregation4 ,there for the first and only time ,i saw a ,v4,p4 ,his views on education were pronounced 8very crude10 8amateurish10 and so on2 but it was a holiday1 and the country paid our expenses3 ,i think my bill came to about #d4 ,i lunched with a ,treasury clerk1 who suggested that the ,v4,p4 had not spent all his 8,vote10 and wanted to knock down the balance1 instead of refunding it to the ,treasury4 ,but it is the way of the ,treasury to take low views of human motives4 ,the ,lord ,president and the ,vice-,president have passed away4 ,it may be that the dual control was unworkable2 but there was something to be said for it4 ,the ,v4,p4 was not a first-class ,minister2 the ,president was not a first-class educationalist4 ,therefore the ,v4,p4 put on the steam1 and the other put on the brake4 ,we are now better able to appreciate the value of the arrangement4 ,there came a change after an ,act of #ahii4 ,the ,education ,department of the ,privy ,council cut the cable1 became independent1 and took the title of 8,board of ,education40 ,my ,lords vanished1 and the ,lord ,president and ,vice-,president were transformed into a ,president and a ,parliamentary ,secretary4 ,the former may be chosen from either ,house1 but the first to hold office was a noble lord who would have fitly adorned the post of ,lord ,president of the ,council4 ,he was followed by a philosophic commoner2 and he again by other commoners1 whom their friends applauded1 and their enemies severely censured for their activity4 ,it may be suggested that a more experienced statesman in the ,upper ,house might have exercised a wholesome restraining influence4 ,on a former page the ,lord ,president was disrespectfully compared with the tall footman4 ,the permanent secretary occupies the more exalted position of head waiter4 ,it is to the head waiter that the experienced traveller pays court4 ,he controls the loaves and fishes1 and without him one may hang on and starve while others wax fat4 ,he arranges the tables1 and gives to his chosen friends corner seats by the fire1 or choice spots in the bow window commanding a rich prospect2 but to the ungodly a draughty place near the door4 ,as the older visitors drop off1 it is his to move up those who find favour in his eyes1 and to let the runagates continue in scarceness4 ,if he smiles1 the understrappers scowl in vain3 a word to the great man will do all that is wanted4 ,the directors1 the manager who appointed him1 pretend to superior dignity1 and their emoluments are on a more generous scale3 but in their secret hearts they admit that the key to the success of the establishment is in the hands of the matre d'htel4 ,these valuable1 if tedious1 reflections come to me too late4 ,i never paid court to the great man3 ,i never went near him1 unless ,i wanted something very much4 ,it was sufficient for me to cultivate the goodwill of the waiter at my table1 though ,i was well aware that he would endure but for a time4 ,as soon as ,i had got to know ,rosencrantz he was moved on1 and ,i had to begin again with ,guildenstern4 ,i sat in a dark corner and carefully avoided the master eye4 ,but ,i was very well treated4 ,presidents1 ,v4,p4's1 secretaries1 and all the host that called themselves 8,my ,lords0 trouble me no more4 ,i can sit like ,amyas ,leigh on ,lundy and dream of my old friends and foes3 8,and ,i saw him sitting in his cabin like a valiant gentleman of ,spain1 and his officers were sitting round him with their swords upon the table at the wine4 ,and the prawns and the crayfish1 and the rockling they swam in and out above their heads44440 ,shadowy presidents and vice-presidents2 sturdy ,sir ,francis with his pleasant smile and rich ,doric accent2 the grim and cautious head of ,cumin2 sharp-tongued ,a41 rough-tongued ,b41 double-tongued ,c41 honey-tongued ,d4 8,she lies in fifteen fathoms at the edge of the rocks1 upon the sand1 and her men are lying all around her1 asleep until the ,judgment ,day40 ,and so ,i bid them farewell4 ,requiescant in pace1 as they let me do4 ,,footnotes3 #ag ,circularitis3 the symptoms of this distressing complaint are eruptions of ,circulars1 ,memoranda1 and ,instructions addressed to the servants of the ,department1 or to ,school ,boards1 or other local authorities1 and often producing great local irritation4 ,it is said that the disease is almost wholly confined to ,whitehall4 #ah ,aid ,grant3 the ,voluntary ,school ,act1 #ahig1 gave an #8aid grant' not exceeding #es4 per scholar1 c41 to ,voluntary schools4 ,this enabled the managers to increase the teachers' salaries1 or to improve the buildings and furniture4 #ai ,code3 every year the ,board issue a ,code of regulations for ,public ,elementary ,schools4 ,this directs the course of instruction and fixes the annual ,government grant4 ,,chapter ,,xv ,,managers 8,to say #8ay' and #8no' to these particulars is more than to answer in a ,catechism40--,as ,you ,like ,it4 ,what is a manager8 ,generally one that manages2 particularly one who manages a school4 ,before #aijc every school was supposed to have at least three of these potentates3 over the others towered the ,correspondent2 in some cases there was no one behind or below the ,correspondent2 and when the three necessary signatures had to be provided as a warranty for the accuracy of statistical returns1 the ,department advised recourse to a minister of religion1 a ,j4,p41 or a banker4 ,but ,squire ,broadlands used to call in his wife and his gardener4 ,they put their names where they were told1 and asked no questions4 8,managing0 included the appointment of teachers1 general supervision of the process of ,education1 upkeep of the fabric1 and paying the bills4 ,incidentally this brought with it the raising of the necessary funds4 ,there was the weight that pulled them down4 ,the ,correspondent was usually the ,rector2 or1 in ,roman ,catholic schools1 the ,priest4 ,he carried on the endless letter-writing with ,my ,lords2 secured teachers2 kept them in order2 and1 above all1 kept ,h4,m4,i4 in good temper1 especially by votive offerings of lunch4 ,in ,board schools the ,clerk1 as a rule1 did all this work1 except the lunch4 ,there ,h4,m4,i4 was left to the uncovenanted mercies of the charitable4 ,at the present day all this is changed4 ,the so-called managers have the shadow of power without the substance3 they appoint teachers1 who at once pass from their control3 and they have to raise money for landlord's repairs from ratepayers who are already overburdened with the expenses of their tenancy4 ,but they have got rid of ,form ,,ix4 ,what was ,form ,,ix48 ,in the dark ages before the ,act of #aijb this was the stumbling-stone of managers and a rock of offence to inspectors4 ,at the end of the school year ,form ,,ix4 arrived at the correspondent's house1 and thenceforth sleep was banished from his pillow4 ,there were countless questions spread over nine pages of foolscap1 and arranged sometimes in horizontal1 sometimes in vertical columns4 ,for the unwary there were more traps to the square inch than are contained in any other nine pages in the world4 ,two pages were devoted chiefly to signatures and general declarations4 7,dolus latet in generalibus47 ,two more were for the school accounts2 five remained for the statistics of the school2 the size of the rooms2 the names1 ages1 salaries1 qualifications1 and past histories of all the teachers2 the number of children on the rolls2 the number in average attendance2 the number at each age between #c and #ad2 and so on4 ,it required many hours of labour from the head teachers before it reached the treasurer3 a skilful financier was the treasurer who could complete his share in a day4 ,at the office in ,whitehall there was an army of clerks1 whose duty it was to examine ,form ,,ix4 and to hunt for errors and omissions4 ,i have heard them compared with the railway men at important junctions1 who tap the carriage wheels with a hammer in search of flaws or fractures2 and1 according to popular rumour1 receive as much as half-a-sovereign if they detect a fault4 ,but it was alleged that in the case of the clerks the reward was as low as sixpence2 this1 ,i feel sure1 was a libel on the liberality of the ,department4 ,their ,lordships encouraged accuracy by a printed warning to the effect that any mistake might involve a delay of six weeks in the payment of the grant2 and as the sum involved might be #a1jjj1 or more1 and as interest on an overdraft at the bank might be running on 7with a possible ,bank ,rate of from five to ten per cent47 this was a serious consideration4 ,it is often said that the ,clergy are bad men of business4 ,if this means that they have a habit1 which they share with widows1 and other narrow-incomed persons1 of investing in speculative undertakings of the wild-cat type1 ,i have nothing to say to the contrary4 ,but when we get beyond this1 let one who has officially been a malleus monachorum for many years enter a protest4 ,in the ordinary local affairs1 and especially in the control of public meetings1 they are as a rule superior to the average layman1 simply because they have more experience4 ,and for this reason they--and ,i emphatically include the clergy of the ,church of ,rome--were able to fill up ,form ,,ix4 with an ease to which the unhallowed lawyer or land agent never attained4 ,it was a solicitor who in two successive years presented me with a balance sheet showing a surplus on both sides of the account3 it was an estate agent who--but let sleeping dogs lie4 ,when ,form ,,ix4 was approximately finished1 it was tentatively offered to the ,inspector1 and nearly all classes of managers were grateful for suggestions of improvement4 ,the benevolent ,inspector would run his eye down the pages1 and would say1 8,just put in #8,,no' twelve times in these columns1 and #8,,yes' thirty-six times down there20 and the thing was done4 ,it mattered little what was thereby affirmed or denied1 if the ,inspector vouched it4 ,but this editing was often a serious addition to our labours2 for it might involve a considerable amount of research and some delicate enquiries4 8,date of birth of the assistant mistress80 ,what a question to ask a lady6 ,i used to soothe the patient by jestingly proposing impossible pre-historic dates1 and so coming gently down to the irreducible minimum of the approximate truth4 ,and the managers always liked to hear the old ,bar story3 ,counsel3 ,pray1 how old are you1 madam8 ,witness3 ,well1 if you must know1 ,i was born in the year '#fd4 ,counsel 7blandly73 ,a4,d4 or ,b4,c48 ,once a manager came to me during the inspection and asked to have ,form ,,ix4 back for a minute4 ,i produced it1 and he explained3 8,old ,miss ,grey1 when she brings me the ,form1 always asks to have it back again1 before you come1 so that she may run her eye over it4 ,then ,i look at it1 and ,i always find that she has left a blank for her #8date of birth4' ,she gets it back from me1 fills in the date1 and gives you the ,form3 then ,i get it back again to see how she is getting on1 and very slow progress she makes40 8#8,character of the late master8' ,how very awkward3 after the last report1 you know1 we really were obliged to make a change1 and people do say he was not quite--he seemed at times a little--what can ,i put there80 8#8,present address of the late mistress'--and she died last ,november4 ,eh80 ,it was not always possible to go into these details3 there might be a train to catch3 and then1 if anything went wrong1 the manager would lay the blame on the broad back of the ,inspector4 8,i had ,form ,,ix4 returned to me last year10 said a south-country incumbent to me3 8,i think ,pluckham1 our ,inspector--do you know ,pluckham8--might have corrected it for me3 ,i gave the fellow lunch1 don't you know40 ,i assured him that there was no reciprocal obligation in the matter of lunch4 ,these were comparatively simple questions4 ,but the accounts were appalling2 and they had to be audited4 ,till recent years this was not much of an ordeal1 for an amateur auditor was easily satisfied4 ,i myself was witness of an audit when a treasurer presented his accounts to a friendly banker for his certificate4 ,the skilled accountant added up the figures1 and pronounced the result very good4 8,now10 he asked1 8what have ,i to certify3 #8,that ,i have compared this balance sheet with the accounts1 and with the registers'8 ,where are the registers80 and he seized the vouchers1 and ran through them3 then he signed the certificate4 ,the school was not in my district1 and ,i was not bound to remark that a register of school attendance is not the same as a receipted account4 ,in the late 'nineties a professional auditor was required1 and after some experience ,i concluded that compound addition and subtraction are no part of an auditor's education4 ,but the process inspired confidence in the public mind4 ,when ladies and other simple souls undertook the office of treasurer1 there was a chance of trouble4 ,two instances occur to me4 ,the first was in the depths of ,botia4 ,my sub-inspector and ,i had to inspect a school supported by the ,earl of ,x41 and managed by the ,dowager ,countess4 ,i had been warned that her ,ladyship was a little trying1 and ,i was prepared for the worst4 ,on the appointed day we drove a few miles from the railway station1 and caught a glimpse of the ,hall as we passed the lodge gates4 8,that's built in the ,grotto style10 said my driver1 and after much meditation on this order of architecture1 ,i decided that he meant 8,gothic40 ,you could hardly put an ,earl into a grotto4 ,at the school door--the school also was ,gothic1 but ,i prefer the ,vandals--,i was invited into a sort of lobby1 which should have been the girls' cloakroom2 and there was the ,countess4 ,she was stately1 but gracious4 ,the accounts were a little perplexing2 what should ,i advise8 ,i suggested some trivial alterations1 and then noticed that on the ,income side there was no record of 8,school-pence0 paid by the children3 if any had been received they must be entered4 ,the ,dowager scorned the idea3 there were school-pence1 but they had been received by the ,mistress and had been kept by the mistress3 ,i think she considered them ,korban4 ,in that case1 ,i said1 they must appear on both sides of the account2 on the ,expenditure side they must be added to 8,mistress's ,salary40 ,the ,dowager was wroth3 she clutched me by the arm1 and went nigh to shake me1 as ,queen ,elizabeth 8shook the dying countess40 8,my good sir10 she said with biting sarcasm1 8,lord ,x4 is willing to pay the ordinary expenses of the school1 but he cannot be expected to meet these additional charges4 ,is he to put down in the accounts every trifling present that he has given the mistress during the year80 ,i pointed out that if the children had paid the pence1 and the mistress had received the pence1 the ,earl was safe3 all that remained was to record the payment and receipt4 ,otherwise1 ,i said very emphatically1 the accounts would be returned by the ,department1 and payment of the grant would be delayed for weeks4 ,her grasp relaxed4 8,i think ,i see10 she said slowly3 and ,i escaped into the school and joined my colleague in the examination of the children4 ,the ,dowager finished her accounts by the light of my suggestions1 and followed4 ,my sub4 was hearing the first class read1 and at the same time was keeping an eye on the second class1 to which the teacher was giving ,dictation4 ,i saw her ,ladyship make her way between the wall and back row of desks1 glancing over the girls' shoulders1 as they wrote3 ,i saw her pause behind one girl1 and with a suggestive finger indicate that a word was wrongly spelt3 ,i saw my ever watchful colleague shoot out a long arm1 clutch the girl's paper1 crumple it up in his pocket3 ,i heard him continue in his cheerful tones1 8,very nicely read1 ,mary ,smith2 go on1 ,jane ,brown40 ,the ,countess withdrew3 the ,grotto ,hall did not provide lunch3 ,i would have given a good deal to hear her ,ladyship's account of the morning's work4 8,and other simple souls10 ,i said3 for ,i had in my mind the strangely parallel conduct of my friend ,mr4 ,shippon4 ,citoyen fermier ,shippon was elected treasurer of the village school1 and he found ,form ,,ix4 a hard thing to tackle4 ,so far his experience of public education had only taught him that it interfered with the supply of cheap labour on farms2 notably in the scaring of crows1 and the dropping of 'taters4 ,when it came before him as an offshoot of the ,civil ,service in connexion with a code and a balance sheet1 he was--in the expressive language of north-west ,england--8fairly moithered10#bj and he came to me for help4 ,i got a slate and collected the items3 income from school-pence1 subscriptions1 and proceeds of a bazaar--#ih #aas4 #d;d4 ,expenditure on salaries1 books1 coal1 c4--#cf #hs4 #h;d4 ,balance in treasurer's hand--#fb #bs4 #h;d4 ,if he would copy down those figures1 he would be safe4 8,na1 na1 it conna be10 said ,shippon with much emotion3 8yo've rackoned in t' skule pence1 and t' governess 'as took 'em all40 8,yes10 ,i said1 8but ,i have included them in her salary3 it's as broad as it is long40 8,it conna be10 he repeated very emphatically2 8yo knaw nowt about it40 ,when a man holds all the cards1 he can keep his temper1 and ,i laughed1 and left him4 ,but ,i added a warning that if he didn't bring out a balance of #fb #bs4 #h;d4 he would get no grant2 and after some weeks' meditation he yielded4 ,managers generally were far more agreeable than these two3 we got to tolerate one another1 and established an armed neutrality2 then we made advances on either side1 and in most cases we became friends4 ,they became part of our little solar system in our annual revolution round the district1 and as the years rolled on we got strangely to associate them with the season of the year in which their school inspection fell due4 8,i hope1 ,mr4 ,kynnersley1 you don't regard me as ,november10 said a rector's wife to whom ,i had made this confession4 ,i prevaricated1 but the association of ideas was unavoidable4 ,we never met in any other month4 ,there were places which ,i never saw except in winter3 there were others which ,i connected with climbing roses in the village1 and great bunches of wild flowers in white jugs inside the school4 ,if ,i lunched with ,a41 ,i had ducks and green peas3 ,b4 came in rhubarb-tart time 7,i hate rhubarb73 ,c4 fed me on game3 ,d4 gave me the first mince-pies of ,advent4 ,i knew the exact spot in ,e4's garden where he would draw himself up to his full height and say1 8,november's sky is chill and drear03 and ,i was prepared for ,f4's annual defence of the rainy weather by his cheerful cry of 8,february fill-dyke1 don't you know80 ,it was on the way to ,g4 that ,i expected to see the first lamb of ,march1 irresponsible as a daddy-long-legs3 and the big meadows beyond ,h4 seldom failed to show the first infant colt4 ,in ,may the cuckoo--but that reminds me of a story told me by one of my most hospitable managers1 good old ,mr4 ,s41 now gone to his rest4 ,he was exceedingly deaf1 and one talked to him through tubes and trumpets1 but he bore his affliction most cheerily4 ,one ,may night at dinner--he himself told me the story--his neighbour1 being a little embarrassed with the trumpet1 lost her head1 and shouted into the apparatus3 8,have you heard the cuckoo1 ,mr4 ,s480 8,not for thirty years10 he replied with keen enjoyment1 and with his most fatherly smile4 ,the rest was silence4 ,to the ,inspector1 possibly to the manager's wife1 lunch was a more serious question than ,form ,,ix4 ,soon after my appointment ,i consulted an eminent ,london doctor about some ailment1 and was given a string of dietary rules1 among which one remains in my memory3 8,for lunch you'll have a piece of bread and butter and a glass of cold water40 ,that1 ,i said firmly1 was impossible2 ,i was an inspector of schools1 and part of my official duty was to lunch with the parson of the parish4 ,if ,i were to confine myself to this convict fare1 ,i should give grave offence2 and1 moreover1 should weaken public confidence in my judgment4 ,who would accept the report of a man who lunched on bread and butter1 when he could get fatted calf8 ,he admitted the plea4 ,my superior officer of that time never lunched with the managers3 he said he liked to lunch with his own family4 ,i was only a lodger1 and a hungry one2 and when the clergy found that ,i would gladly accept their hospitable offers1 ,i rose in their estimation4 ,but as work increased1 this mid-day meal became a burden2 and as years increased1 what ,homer calls 8the love of meat and drink0 abated2 then came the end of formal inspections1#ba and for the remaining time ,i lunched chiefly at railway stations4 ,yet while the luncheon season lasted1 ,i had many pleasant hours1 and made many valued friendships4 ,many managers invited us out of pure brotherly kindness3 some possibly because it was usual to 8lunch0 the inspector3 a few perhaps with a faint hope that a good lunch might soothe the savage beast4 8,ask him to lunch10 wrote one of them to a brother manager on a piece of paper1 which was by chance laid on the table in front of my unexpectant eyes1 and read before ,i knew what ,i was reading3 8a little civility is never thrown away20 and ,i was feasted royally1 while my sub41 who was going to mark the examination papers1 was sent empty away4 ,i enjoyed that lunch4 ,there were some managers who craftily tried to charge the inspectors' lunch to the school expenses4 ,when this was detected1 we ceased to lunch there4 ,but it was not always easy to trace4 ,i have heard of its being included under the head of 8,repairs40 8,you can't tell what's in a bill10 said a ,liverpool man to me in this connexion2 8did you ever hear about the ,captain's horse80 ,i never had4 ,a ,liverpool ,captain1 returning from ,calcutta1 presented to the owners his account for out-of-pocket expenses4 ,times were bad1 and the owners criticised it with unusual care4 ,there was a charge of ten shillings for horse hire3 what was this8 ,horses from the river to the office8 ,how far8 ,why didn't he walk8 ,the ,captain pleaded the climate1 the custom of the country1 saving of time4 ,all in vain3 the charge was disallowed4 ,after the next voyage the ,captain reappeared with his usual account4 ,the owners examined it minutely1 and the senior partner congratulated the ,captain on the improvement3 that horse didn't appear again4 8,he's there all right10 said the ,captain frankly2 8you don't see him1 but he's there40 ,a colleague told me he disliked lunching with managers because it was so unpleasant to give them a bad report after having eaten their salt4 ,i had no such scruple1 because ,i admitted no connection between the two things4 ,it would be an affront to my hosts to suppose that they wished to corrupt me4 ,there were1 of course1 managers with whom one did not lunch4 ,the hand of ,douglas is his own and so is his mouth4 ,but ,i never was reduced to such strong words as were attributed by tradition to one of my predecessors1 whom a squire had rather commanded than invited to lunch at the ,manor4 8,tell him ,i would rather eat my lunch in a ditch under a hedge10 said ,h4,m4,i4 ,taken by itself without knowledge of antecedent justification this almost seems rude4 ,lunch1 ,i maintained1 was extra-official3 and much of our work was extra-official4 ,after a few years in a district we became informal advisers to very many managers4 ,we advised on sites2 recommended architects2 advised on the plans with the architects2 recommended head teachers and assistants4 ,where did we stop8 ,was ,i not constantly appealed to at lunch to recommend a really nice cook1 and a curate who wanted a title8 ,i think ,i earned my lunches4 ,a remarkable instance occurs to me4 ,in a country parish the ,rector was lamenting the collapse of his school at that morning's inspection4 ,he attributed it to the stupidity of his parishioners3 his last lot in the south had been full of genius4 ,i assured him that this was a delusion3 if you cut off the heads of #ej boys in ,arcadia1 and #ej in ,botia1 and weighed their brains--,arcadia v4 ,botia--you would not find an ounce of difference4 ,what he wanted was not a new horse but a new driver4 8,could ,i find one80 ,certainly3 there was a first rate man just leaving a school a few miles away2 and ,i gave particulars4 ,the man was appointed at once2 the school passed out of my district1 and ,i thought no more of it4 ,but four years later ,i got a letter from the ,rector1 full of gratitude3 my nominee had effected a reformation3 he had raised the ,government ,grant from #gg to #acb1 rendering unnecessary the collection of a voluntary rate4 ,he was 8good all round1 in fact invaluable40 ,in the thirtieth year after my recommendation1 when the ,rector had retired1 and the master had1 alas6 broken down1 ,i got from the former a complete history4 ,not only had the grant risen to #agj1 8it had never looked back03 the master's influence out of school had been equally priceless3 the parish was changed4 ,i think ,i earned that lunch4 ,the humorous feature of this branch of our work was that most of it was bitterly resented by the ,department4 ,they instructed us to assist managers with advice1 but the selection of good teachers and the weeding out of bad ones sadly interfered with the policy of the ,national ,teachers' ,union1 and ,whitehall trembles when it sees the weakest of the ,n4 ,u4 ,t4's4 ,a word of farewell is due to the lady manager4 ,there was a time when she was a prominent personage3 she assisted at the inspection1 and waited for hours that she might see the ,inspector blundering over the 8garments40 ,she called his attention to specially meritorious stitches1 and deplored the blindness of ,my ,lords in their selection of sewing tests3 she deprecated mathematics1 and urged the superior claims of housewifery4 ,she gave private information on the characters of the pupil-teachers and the children1 generally hinting that the pretty ones were undesirable4 ,and she had the strongest views about their dress1 views that the male inspector regarded with lack-lustre eye4 ,it was not only at the inspection that she appeared3 in many schools she was to be found without fail two or three days a week2 possibly assisting in the needlework2 possibly taking a general interest in the girls3 always full of good works4 ,alas6 her class is extinct4 ,i think the cold disapproval shown by the professional teacher has frozen her out4 ,or is it that the haughty children resent intrusion8 ,or that the comprehensive1 critical glance1 which even ,standard ,i4 would cast at her dress when she entered the room1 made it impossible for her to continue her visits without 8making a toilette0 for every visit8 ,these are mysteries hidden from the male eye4 ,with the passing of the ,act of #aijb came the ,passing of the manager1 male and female4 ,now there is a committee2 there is a correspondent2 there is a caretaker2 but the greatest of these is the caretaker4 ,and with the other change came the passing of ,form ,,ix4 as an amateur work4 ,part of it is done by the teachers1 part by the local authority2 the managers are free from it1 and the inspector sees it no more4 ,if ,i thought any manager of the many who befriended me would read what ,i write1 ,i would bid him farewell2 and for his consolation ,i would refer him to the opening sentences of ,dr4 ,johnson's ,preface to his ,dictionary3 8,it is the fate of those who toil 444 to be rather driven by the fear of evil than attracted by the prospect of good2 to be exposed to censure1 without hope of praise2 to be disgraced by miscarriage1 or punished for neglect1 where success would have been without applause1 and diligence without reward40 ,,footnotes3 #bj #8,moithered' equivalent to #8harassed' or #8embarrassed1' but much easier to spell4 ,in ,norfolk it is #8mthered'4 #ba ,in the 'nineties annual inspections in a given month1 with formal notice to the managers sent at least ten days in advance1 were discontinued1 and #8visits without notice1' paid at any time of the year1 were substituted4 ,the result was1 that the managers did not know of our presence in their schools1 and1 unless we sent for them1 we saw no one4 ,,chapter ,,xvi ,,school ,,boards 8,allowing him a breath1 a little scene ,to monarchize1 be fear'd1 and kill with looks40 ,richard ,,ii4 ,the object of the ,education ,act of #ahgj was to supply all ,england with efficient schools4 ,if voluntary effort failed1 special machinery was devised 8not to supplant1 but to supplement40 ,purists objected that 8supplement0 was a vile misuse of a noun as a verb4 ,on the analogy of 8complete10 8complement10 it should be 8supplete02 but the nation shrugged its shoulders4 ,this machinery was summed up in the phrase 8,school ,board02 and for thirty-two years the ,school ,board was the idol of one party and the bugbear of another4 ,it had the same strange effect on the morals of men that is attributed to horses4 ,it is said that men1 who in the ordinary affairs of life are honest1 truthful1 and temperate1 lose all control over these qualities when they are concerned in the sale or purchase of a horse4 ,and so it was with these ,boards4 ,when a question arose of the formation of a ,school ,board1 the parties on each side lapsed into heathenism2 heathenism of a low type4 ,distorted figures and facts poured in at ,whitehall1 and were eventually forwarded to the ,inspector 8for report1 and observations02 and if it had not been an unofficial act1 ,h4,m4,i4 would have blushed as he read them4 8,and then ,i saw what ,i had never seen before1 ,thrasymachus blushing10 says ,plato in his ,republic4 ,there was one particular combatant1 a buttress and eke a pillar of his denomination1 a philanthropist1 and an educational missionary1 who1 when any question of ,school ,boards arose1 exhibited so much of what a certain ,lord ,justice called 8the inaccuracy of ,ananias0 that ,i had to warn the ,education ,department to allow him a special discount4 ,he was happy in the opportuneness of his death2 for he did not live to see the ,act of #aijb1 which destroyed ,school ,boards and thus took away the occupation alike of iconolaters and iconoclasts4 8,ower bad for blessing1 and ower gude for banning like ,rob ,roy0 was ,andrew ,fairservice's immortal phrase1 and it may be the epitaph of ,school ,boards4 8,i watched by their cradle1 and ,i followed their hearse0 ,i may add in ,grattan's no less renowned phrase3 for ,i rocked the cradle of many ,boards in #ahga1 and mine were two of the dry eyes that noted the interment of the ,manchester ,board in #aijc4 ,but happily my connection with the institution did not end there2 in the ,isle of ,man ,school ,boards still exist2 a population of #ej1jjj has twenty-one ,boards to superintend its education1 and not less than #aaj devoted men and women struggle to keep down the rates4 ,the advantage of the ,school ,board system was that it provided a body of men who had an opportunity of being acquainted with the wants of the place2 usually qualified by residence to attend meetings2 and with large powers of raising money to carry on the work4 ,the disadvantage was that it put technical1 skilled labour into the hands of men from whom no proof of skill was required2 and in very many places into the hands of men who were manifestly skill-less4 ,in the large towns the ,board might become a ,debating ,society1 but if it escaped this snare1 it often did well4 ,in small villages sometimes it was a farce1 sometimes a tragedy4 ,in most places1 whether large or small1 the real power fell into the hands of one man1 either the clerk or the chairman1 who managed both ,school ,board and ,board ,school4 ,do you ask for an instance8 ,at a ,board ,school inspection1 noticing that there were not enough desks for the children1 ,i asked the chairman1 who was present1 to see that the deficiency was made good at once4 ,he assured me that it would be done without delay4 8,when does the ,board meet80 ,i asked4 8,oh1 we don't meet3 ,i get what is wanted and then on market-day ,i go down to the town1 where ,i am sure to find the members2 they are all farmers4 ,i say to ,brown1 #8,the ,inspector was here last week2 wants some more desks2 always asking for something2 suppose you agree8' ,and he says1 #8,whatever you think is right1 ,mr4 ,chairman4' ,then ,i go on to ,jones1 and ,robinson1 and ,snooks1 and they all agree4 ,we don't bother about a meeting1 except once a year to make up ,form ,,ix4 for your inspection40 ,what admirable discipline6 ,the absolute unfitness for any educational work of some ,boards led to strange results4 ,somewhere in ,wales ,i had sent notice to a ,board that ,i proposed to meet them at a certain place on a certain day4 ,they sent no answer1 but ,i kept my own appointment1 and found the ,board duly assembled4 ,i began by suggesting that it was usual to answer official letters4 ,they declared inteet they did not know where ,i lived1 and how could they send a letter8 ,i pointed out that the official notepaper1 upon which ,i wrote1 had the address printed at the top4 ,this embarrassed them3 but the true explanation was given to me afterwards4 ,there was not a man on the ,board who could read and write1 and they had to take all their correspondence to the market-town to get the advice of the ,clerk to the ,guardians before they could reply4 ,they were in too small a way of educational business to have a clerk of their own4 ,a parallel but more amusing case occurred in ,england4 ,there was a fierce contention among the members of a ,board about the site of the proposed new school1 and the knot seemed worthy of the intervention of ,my ,lords4 ,after some correspondence ,i was sent down with instructions to report4 ,it was arranged that ,i should meet the ,board at the chairman's house 7he was a farmer71 and thither ,i went1 and found him alone4 ,and let me here remark1 that a ,norfolk farmer is not like a farmer in the shires4 ,he might farm from #c1jjj to #d1jjj acres4 ,he explained the arguments for and against each site1 and went on to express his regret that ,i was not likely to meet some members of the ,board4 8,where is the ,rector80 ,i asked4 8,very ill1 and confined to the house40 8,i see in the correspondence file that ,mr4 ,a4 is strongly in favour of the north site4 ,will he be here80 8,well1 ,i fear not3 the fact is that there is an affiliation summons out against him1 and1 as he is an elder of the ---- chapel1 he is rather ashamed to show his face40 8,mr4 ,b41 the treasurer1 is on the same side80 8,yes1 and ,i expect him here every minute3 but1 if you will excuse me1 ,i would rather you saw him in the other room3 ,i have had to serve him with a writ for slander in consequence of some remarks he made at the last ,board meeting1 and we don't speak40 8,then there is only ,mr4 ,c80 8,yes3 and he promised to be here4 ,perhaps you could call at his house on your way to the sites8 ,and here comes the treasurer40 ,i met the ,first ,lord of the ,treasury in the dining-room4 8,morning1 ,mr4 ,b4 ,about that site3 here is the ordnance map3 you want the school to be built just there1 don't you80 8,well1 sir10 said he1 8,i'm no scholar4 ,but whatever you think right1 ,i am agreeable to40 ,i bowed him out1 and returned to the chairman3 8,says he is no scholar1 ,mr4 ,chairman80 8,what1 ,john ,b48 ,no1 he can't read or write40 ,i roared4 ,a cricket team would have been more particular in choosing a scorer4 ,would ,i mind calling on the erring elder1 and on ,william ,c48 ,not at all4 ,we sallied forth and sought them4 ,the affiliated elder was not at home4 ,william ,c4 was haymaking3 he was old and deaf1 and the chairman reproached him in stentorian tones3 8,why1 ,william1 you did promise me to come down to mine#bb to meet the ,inspector1 if you never came again40 ,the old man grinned1 and shook hands1 and excused himself3 8,yu see1 sir1 ,i've a dale of hay out1 and ,i'm a bit hard of hearin1 and they du all talk at once40 ,i gave him plenary absolution1 and asked his consent to the better site4 ,whatever ,i thought right1 he was agreeable to4 ,and we parted the best of friends4 ,i had tea at the farm1 and went back home4 ,i laughed all the way to the station1 and in the train1 and ,i laughed in the small hours of the night4 ,and ,i recalled how ,i once went with a colleague to see 8,the ,tempest40 ,at the end of the first ,act he turned in his stall and said3 8,did you ever consider what admirable materials for a ,school ,board they had on that island8 ,look here30 and he showed me his annotated programme4 8,prospero1 ,tory ,landlord1 expert in ,elementary ,science1 and ,language1 which he taught to ,caliban4 ,miranda1 qualified by entire ignorance to superintend the ,girls' sewing4 ,antonio1 ,liberal1 ,leader of the ,opposition4 ,stephano1 a drunken butler1 representing the ,trade4 ,caliban1 ,agricultural ,labourers' ,union1 ,primitive ,methodist interest4 ,there you are2 five members complete40 8,and ,ariel80 ,i asked1 much interested4 8,the tricksy spirit shall be ,clerk to the ,board1 and shall bamboozle the lot1 and ,my ,lords too40 ,there are some ,educationists who never get free of the shop4 ,another ,board annually stirred me to mirthful compassion1 because ,i knew1 and none other knew1 that it owed its birth to defective arithmetic4 ,the parish had a population of several thousands2 when the school accommodation and requirements were compared in the early 'seventies1 a nought got wrong1 as noughts will do at times1 and a deficit of #acj places was announced4 ,the real deficit was #ac1 but it was no one's business to check the figures1 and #acj prevailed4 ,the parish declined to build1 and a ,school ,board was duly elected4 ,it spent the next ten years in pointing out to the ,department in ,london that no new school was wanted2 and ,my ,lords unwillingly agreed3 but no one found out about the nought4 ,and it was a very useful ,board1 and1 like the young man1 ,godfrey ,bertram ,hewitt1 in ,guy ,mannering1 was 8in a fair way of doing well in the world1 although he came somewhat irregularly into it40 ,we often laughed1 or groaned--according to our stand-point--at the niggardliness of country ,school ,boards2 but the shoe did not pinch us4 ,both in ,north ,wales and in ,norfolk we had to deal with many parishes where a penny rate brought in less than #aj4 ,every third year there might be a contested election1 and the cost varied from d4 to #a;d4 in the pound4 ,add to this the cost to each candidate1 and the intolerable worry of a storm in a tea-cup1 and it is not surprising that parishes thus afflicted were held up as awful warnings to unwilling subscribers elsewhere4 ,an experienced observer in ,cheshire once remarked1 8,if the average farmer had to choose between the ,colorado beetle and a ,school ,board1 he wouldn't know which way to go40 ,in all these small parish ,boards there was a clerk1 who charged from #aj to #bj a year for carrying on the correspondence which the rector had hitherto undertaken gratuitously4 ,an ,anglesey incumbent told me that he had offered to do the clerk's work for nothing2 but the chapel leader said that nothing should induce him to entrust the work to a churchman4 ,one ,norfolk ,board ,school had an average attendance of five children2 they cost #bf apiece1 and it took a #c;d4 rate to pay the clerk3 the total rate was #ac;d4 in the pound4 ,a ,norfolk farmer rated on his thousand acres might be pardoned for an economic zeal that was not always well directed4 ,it was proposed in one parish to raise the salary 7#dj a year7 of the head mistress4 8,why10 said one member1 8thet there young woman is gettin a matter of saxteen shellin a week3 look what thet is for a young woman as hesn't only harself tu keep40 8,don't shoot them3 they are doing their best10 might have been inscribed on the council chambers of many ,boards4 ,it was unfamiliar and uninteresting work for most of them2 and they must have spent many weary days on it4 ,in the early days of the institution it was usual for two or three members to attend the school inspection4 ,i think the clerk would tell them it might soften 8than which what's harder8 the 7,jewish7 heart0 of the ,inspector4 ,they touched their foreheads like ploughboys1 when ,h4,m4,i4 arrived1 and huddled together like their own ewes in nervous apprehension--near the gate4 ,where would this questioning end8 ,were the ,board immune8 8,if yow were tu ast me some of them questions yow ast the childer10 said one bucolic bulwark of education1 8,i'd be tarrible put about4 ,same time1 if ,i had yow on my farm----0 ,i admitted my limitations4 ,latterly they ceased to attend4 ,in one parish ,i saw no member of the ,board for ten years1 and when it happened that the school got a lower grant than usual1 the ,board of the adjacent parish reproached the absentees3 8,yo shuld ha loonched th' inspector3 our chairman did1 and us did well40 8,most people have their price10 said ,walpole1 usually misquoted3 but mine is not so moderate4 ,in the 'nineties1 as ,i have said1 visits without notice took the place of the field-day inspections1 and we lost sight of the country ,boards4 ,then came the great ,act of #aijb1 which abolished all the ,boards and made the county or county borough the unit1 instead of the civil parish4 8,these our actors are melted into air1 into thin air10 and the name of ,school ,board remains only to the ,school ,attendance ,officers1 the paidagogoi1#bc who1 though they now represent the ,education ,committees1 still keep their old titles among the populace4 ,before ,i close the history1 let me append a story in connection with the old triennial elections mentioned above4 ,i read it in a ,norfolk paper more than thirty years ago4 ,there were not fewer than five members in the smallest ,school ,board1 and1 as the vote was cumulative1 there were often ten or twelve candidates for the five1 or seven seats4 ,as these elections were frequent1 and elections to ,boards of ,guardians were annual1 voters and onlookers were accustomed to a long list of office seekers2 and when there was a ,parliamentary by-election in a ,norfolk division1 and the result was posted on the walls1 the rustic mind was a little perplexed to find so small a field4 ,there it was in black and white3 ,brown #c1def ,jones #b1igh ---- ,majority #dgh ,two yokels gazed at it and wondered4 8,i 'xpact thet's about thet there elaction40 8,ya-as3 there was only tew of un got in1 though40 8,ya-as3 only they tew a' the top40 ,and the other added with an indescribable air of cunning3 8,ole ,majority di'nt get many1 did 'a80 ,,footnotes3 #bb 8,mine0 and 8yours0 in ,e4 ,anglia stand for 8my house0 and 8your house40 #bc ,paidagogoi 7see ,galatians iii7 were 8not schoolmasters but slaves who led children to the house of the schoolmaster40 ,,chapter ,,xvii ,,children 8,children sweeten labours1 but they make misfortune more bitter3 they increase the cares of life1 but they mitigate the remembrance of death40 ,bacon4 ,bacon's theory is very sound1 and it is one that appeals to both inspectors and teachers4 ,there are times when the essayist labours to be short1 and becomes obscure2 but here his meaning is plain1 as is his cipher to the ,american expert3 children 7in school7 are delightful2 but if you are mentally worried1 or physically in poor case1 they are very trying4 ,the work 7of inspecting or teaching7 takes it out of you1 but it is a consolation to think that death will bring you relief4 ,i do not speak without experience4 ,in my first year at ,chester the population of the district was about #bje1jjj1 of whom #cd1jjj should have been at school4 ,in my last year at ,manchester the district comprised about #hhj1jjj people1 of whom more than #aej1jjj were under inspection3 for the ,higher ,grade and ,higher ,elementary ,schools had brought in many more of the lower-middle class than used to patronise us4 ,roughly speaking1 ,i may say that for thirty-two years ,i spent five days a week1 holidays and extra work excepted1 in the study of my ever-increasing flock2 their habits1 their physical characteristics in connection with education1 their morals and manners 7if any71 their likes and dislikes1 their work and their play4 ,in the course of another thirty-two years ,i might have got to know a little about them4 ,for the benefit of other searchers1 and that they may begin where ,i leave off1 ,i record here a very small fraction of the result of my experiences in school4 ,the physical characteristic side is one of absorbing interest4 ,i have long regretted that ,i did not give special attention to 8,ears1 their influence on1 and indication of1 character40 ,there is room for a valuable monograph on this subject4 ,the kindred topic of hair was my special study4 ,i regret that my theories on hair were received with such general incredulity that ,i shrink from crushing this simple record of facts by introducing matter so debatable4 ,even the rough conclusions which one formed by noting the size and shape of heads were not wholly acceptable4 ,it is not always easy at first sight of a massive brow 78top-heavy for ,shakespeare07#bd to decide whether it contains brains or water on the brain4 ,similarly ,i believe in the political world the man with a swollen head is often mistaken in the earlier days of acquaintance for--but ,i am going beyond my last4 ,let us keep to safer ground4 ,it was once pointed out to me that the main feature of ,american humour is best described by a ,greek phrase meaning 8contrary to expectation40 ,this certainly is the most delightful feature of children1 but it is manifest chiefly in their conversation4 ,in most respects they are the slaves of habit1 and their games are the strongest instance of this4 ,of all boys it may be asserted that1 if ,socrates were to enquire into their ideas of ,pleasure1 he would reduce them to 8motion without exertion1 and something to do with a ball40 8,a wheel and a ball0 is tempting as a concise summary1 but 8wheel0 would exclude horse-riding1 boating1 skating1 and some others4 ,if it is argued that cycling1 skating1 and boating connote exertion1 ,i reply that to boys of ,public ,elementary ,school age the delightful part is the continuous motion which they get by intermittent exertion1 and that they will cheerfully drag a bicycle up a steep hill for the sake of the gratuitous descent4 ,this great theory comprehends all ,english boys from top to bottom of the social ladder3 in details there are points of similarity and of the opposite between the old ,public ,schools and the #ae1jjj ,public ,elementary ,schools4 ,the theory of periodicity is common to both1 but in the former the principle which allots the summer months to cricket 7or the cult of the lesser ball71 and the winter to football 7or the cult of the greater ball71 is climatic4 ,the 8little1 wee1 wee0 balls used for fives1 racquets1 and tennis1 are perennial4 ,in our elementary schools1 also1 there is a law of seasons1 but ,i have never been able to formulate it1 and ,i know of no reason for the alternations4 ,at one time all the boys play tip-cat1 which ,shakespeare would call 8a dreadful trade03 a crusty old bachelor says 8it counts fifty if you break a window1 and it is game if you put out one eye of a passer-by03 this apocryphal ,rule ,i4 is the only one promulgated4 ,at another season hoops are de rigueur3 at another marbles3 these recreations are little known 8in the playing fields of ,eton1 where the battle of ,waterloo was won40 ,the girls have skipping-ropes1 less deadly than tip-cat1 but very injurious to the bridge of the nose1 or the best hat of the peaceful passenger3 and they have ,jacks1 alias skip-jacks1 knuckle bones1 astragaloi4 ,i think hop-scotch1 which drives the passer-by on to the high-road to be juggernauted by motors1 is common to both sexes4 ,the pursuit of a football1 or any cheap spheroidal substitute1 is perennial for boys4 ,in this rotation of games1 then1 there is resemblance of a sort4 ,but there is a lamentable dissimilarity in the spirit of the gamesters4 ,our elementary boy has hardly the most elementary idea of schoolboy honour4 ,he begins with the loathsome practice of telling tales1 not to be named among ,christians2 ,a4 tells tales of ,b41 not because he hates wrong or loves rules1 but to raise his own value in the eyes of the common enemy4 ,this is to put self above the common good4 ,from this beginning he easily arrives at the deadly vice of the working class1 the incapacity for playing fair1 and for playing without quarrelling4 ,when they are boys1 their cricket and football are one long wrangle2 when they grow up1 they not only buy and sell contests1 they even attempt the life of the umpire1 who should be sacrosanct as the herald4 ,and from this blunted sense of honour comes another abominable habit1 first among boys3 they ask a boon--some special indulgence1 perhaps--and obtain it on special terms of doing or abstaining from doing something else2 but when the boon is granted they have no scruple whatever about breaking the condition precedent4 ,hence comes one of the ugliest features of trade disputes1 the incapacity for keeping a bargain4 ,here1 as ,i said1 they are the slaves of habit4 ,it is in their speech that the unexpectedness triumphs2 and the younger the child the more unexpected are his remarks4 ,many an inspector1 many a teacher1 has been reduced to utter confusion by these random shots4 ,it was one of my own staff who came to grief in a country school in this way4 ,he had been examining ,standard ,,ii4 in the multiplication table1 and the village idiot was in the class4 ,they dealt with fair success with the simpler problems1 and ,mr4 ,rackem was emboldened to soar higher4 8,how much is eleven twelves80 he asked1 and there was none to answer4 ,he put it in a more searching way3 8,who knows how much is eleven twelves80 ,and the village idiot answered 8,gawd10 that being the generally accepted answer to difficult questions couched in that form4 ,in another country school ,i met a boy1 who by reason of his wit and his wits was the joy of the rector's heart4 ,he was in ,standard ,,iii41 age about nine4 ,i gave him an arithmetic card containing1 among others1 the question3 8,how much would one million penny postage stamps cost80 ,george took the contract with a friendly grin1 and in due time intimated that he had completed it4 8,what do you make of the stamps1 ,george80 ,i asked3 8,is it #d1aff #acs4 #d;d48 ,yes3 that is right10 and ,i marked his paper4 ,george grinned a larger grin1 and remarked confidentially1 as he sat down again1 8,thet come to a dale more nor what ,i'd care tu give far un40 ,when ,mr4 ,bultitude 7in ,vice ,vers7 was given bills of parcels to do1 he was 8disgusted as a business man by the glaring improbabilities of their details40 ,george took the same view4 ,a colleague tells of a similar rebuff4 ,he was examining in mental arithmetic1 and took pains to adapt his questions to local industries4 ,picking out a big lad1 he asked1 8,what does your father do80 8,cotches sawmon i' th' river40 8,capital3 you will be able to do this sum2 #bjlbs4 of salmon at #c;d4 a lb41 what is that worth8 ,twen-ty pounds of sal-mon at #c;d480 8,yah3 tha' wouldn't be worth a dom40 ,i think this is what logicians would call 8,ignoratio ,elenchi40 ,still more unexpected was the reply that demolished the present truthful chronicler in an infant school4 ,the mistress was giving a lesson on an elephant4 ,it was in the days when etiquette forbade that the subject of the lesson should be directly announced to the class3 it had to be approached by artful devices4 ,therefore she began with a question3 8,what is the largest animal in the world80 ,chorus3 ,an elephunt1 teacher4 ,mistress3 ,yes1 quite right4 ,this heresy shocked me2 but etiquette again forbade that ,i should contradict her4 ,yet--for magis amica veritas--,i might1 and did1 interpose a question3 8,which is the bigger1 an elephant or a whale80 ,chorus3 ,a wheele4 ,the mistress looked scornfully at me1 and returned the oblique shot3 8,is a whale an animal1 children80 ,chorus3 ,noo1 teacher4 ,mistress3 ,what is a whale1 children8 ,chorus3 ,a fish4 ,i was roused to more defence of truth1 though tacitly accepting the fishhood of whales3 8,isn't a fish an animal1 children80 ,chorus 7sarcastically73 ,noo4 8,is a girl an animal80 ,chorus3 ,noo4 8,is a girl a vegetable8 ,do you grow them in a garden1 like cabbages80 ,chorus3 ,noo4 8,is a girl a mineral8 ,do you dig them out of a mine1 like coals80 ,chorus3 ,noo4 ,now ,i seemed to have the landing-net ready3 8,if a girl is not an animal1 nor a vegetable1 nor a mineral1 what is a girl80 ,the first and second classes felt the horns of the trilemma1 and they were silent3 but a boy aged four1 or so1 rose from his seat in the third class1 and in strident tones supplied the crushing answer3 8,hoo's ,a ,,wench40 ,i fled into the next room4 ,another story of discomfiture--more touching1 because the discomfited one had not provoked her fate--comes to memory4 ,the scene was a ,sunday ,school4 ,the suffering lady had hurried down on a sultry afternoon1 and found her class unusually anmic4 ,she toiled womanfully1 in spite of heat and consequent torpor1 and it was not till she was faint with exertion that she seemed to detect a spark of interest4 ,there was a low mutter1 and she cheered up1 as a fisherman does when after hours of nothingness he feels a timid bite4 8,that is right1 ,mary dear2 speak up2 what did you say80 8,woipe yer face40 ,she never smiled again--in a ,sunday ,school4 ,they spared neither age nor sex1 and even the lookers on might be overwhelmed4 ,this was the case at a school managed by a worthy vicar1 whose most devoted ministrations were so little acceptable to his flock that his congregation had dwindled down almost to the point specified by ,professor ,henry ,j4 ,s4 ,smith1 of ,oxford3 8,the attendants at ,professor ,z4's lectures might be counted on the thumbs of two hands40 ,that at least was the current rumour4 ,i was examining ,standard ,,ii4 7aged eight or nine7 in the rudiments of geography1 and we came to the word 8desert10 which they defined as 8a sandy plain where nothing grew40 ,i was anxious to get at the meaning of the word1 in connection with 8deserted10 and remembering a long-untenanted house at the end of their street1 and just below the church1 ,i put it thus3 8,as ,i was coming here ,i saw an empty building1 all shut up1 where nobody lives1 and nobody goes3 what should you say that house was80 ,and a fatal boy replied1 8,the ,house of ,god40 ,never before or since have ,i seen a good man so utterly prostrated as was that ,vicar4 ,if ,i were bound by chronology1 ,i should keep to the end a comment on my own personal appearance made by a ,manchester infant4 ,i was coming out of school at dinner-time1 and far below me1 as ,i stood on the outer doorstep1 ,i heard a shrill cry of 8,hey60 ,there was an exceedingly small boy1 aged four or five1 gazing up into my sexagenarian face and grey beard4 8,hullo1 ,tommy6 what's the matter with you80 ,i replied4 ,the imp pointed over his shoulder at another infant1 smaller and a shade dirtier3 8',ee says you're old ,father ,christmas40 ,it was well for ,tommy that he did not live in the days of ,elisha3 well for ,tommy that the she-bears were shut up in the ,belle ,vue ,gardens4 ,not even the ,diocesan ,inspectors in ,religious ,knowledge are safe4 ,one writes to me3 8,the children have a holiday after the diocesan inspection4 ,alluding to this yesterday in ---- school ,i said1 #8,what is the pleasantest part of my visit to you8' ,a4 #8,that you don't come often4'0 ,the unexpected remarks were not always humorous3 nay1 at times they were intensely pathetic4 ,i once picked up a beautifully clean baby from the front desk1 and planted her on my knee1 while the usual lesson on the cow1 or the camel was droning on4 ,she sat there in perfect content1 apparently absorbed in contemplation of her best shoes1 worn in honour of the inspection4 ,suddenly she turned to me1 and murmured1 8,my daddy's been thoompin' our baby like anythink this mornin'40 8,gracious60 ,i said2 8what had the baby been doing80 8,nothink10 she said1 and relapsed into silence4 ,it does not bear comment2 it hardly bears thinking of4 ,less pathetic1 perhaps1 but yet touching in its way1 was a remark reported to me from another ,infant ,school4 ,a little boy was gazing at a wall-picture of a bear4 ,the mistress asked what he would do if he met a creature like that4 8,i'd run away40 8,but the bear can run ever so quick1 and he would catch you40 ,the infant pondered on the clumsy-looking beast2 calculated its rate of speed by some method of his own1 and finally replied3 8,he wouldn't2 not if ,i 'ad my mended boots on40 ,a pleasanter reminiscence from the same town4 ,it was in the babies' room3 ,i was talking to the mistress1 when suddenly a baby made a remark to the class-teacher1 and both teachers exploded in hastily suppressed laughter4 8,what did the baby say80 ,i asked4 8,she saw you coming in1 ,mr4 ,kynnersley1 and she said1 #8,is that my daddy8'0 ,the situation might be embarrassing4 ,conceive it in a ,french novel2 with the ,inspector's wife lurking in the doorway4 ,the answers of these infants to their own teachers were a source of endless amusement2 and sometimes they were saved up for me4 ,one teacher had been giving a first lesson to her class on some animals4 8,that10 she said1 in conclusion1 8is what we call ,natural ,history3 all about birds1 beasts1 fishes1 and insects4 ,i will write it on the board3 #8,natural ,history4' ,now can any little girl tell me any fact that she has ever observed in ,natural ,history--anything about a bird1 or a beast1 or a fish1 or an insect8 ,yes1 ,mary1 that is a good girl3 what is it that you observed80 ,mary3 8,please1 teacher1 our baby ate a slug once40 ,sometimes1 too1 the teachers would bring us stories of our colleagues1 and of the unexpected answers given to them4 ,the unconscious humour was often prominent4 ,it was said that one ,inspector asked1 8,what sort of people do you think they were1 who called the most northerly county of ,scotland #8,sutherlandshire'80 7,it may be well to state here that the proper answer is 8,norwegians407 ,and a child answered 8,irishmen40 ,another ,h4,m4,i4 was credited with this elaborate interrogatory3 ,q4 8,what is that island called which from its name you would suppose contained neither women nor children80 ,a4 8,please1 sir1 the ,scilly ,isles40 ,enough for the ,unexpected4 ,constant familiarity with school life gave us a good deal of insight into children's ways1 and in many matters we could calculate their probable course of conduct with the assurance of a weather prophet4 ,we got to know1 also1 what a thin wall separates mischief from ,hooliganism1 and the latter from crime4 ,in the poorer districts we dealt with children1 to whom the wall was a transparent veil4 ,in the best districts--and the remark is equally true of the great ,public ,schools--there is a very thin crust over the volcano4 ,from ,monday to ,friday1 between #i ,a4,m4 and #d4cj ,p4,m4 conduct is exemplary4 ,the ,roman poet dreamt of the return of ,saturnia regna1 and the ,british schoolboy dreams of what he will do when ,saturday comes again4 ,but every evening school discipline is suspended1 and the home resumes its influence4 8,you mustn't be too hard on these children1 ,mr4 ,kynnersley10 said a wise manager of a poor school to me3 8after leaving here they don't hear a decent word till to-morrow morning40 ,then there is ,sunday ,school1 and the animal gets the upper hand4 ,grattez l'colier1 et trouvez l'colier de ,dimanche4 ,it was only second-hand1 and perhaps from seeing the wreckage on ,monday morning1 that we got to know what boy-without-cane is like4 ,of later years the ,sabbatical revels have been extended to week-nights4 ,under the names of ,bands of ,hope and ,boys' ,brigades caneless boy has had many happy hours4 ,we used to read in the school log-books3 8,nov4 #ad4 ,meeting of ,band of ,hope here last night3 two desks wrecked1 maps pulled down1 and a picture broken40 ,nov4 #bj4 8,meeting of ,boys' ,brigade here last night4 ,found the floor strewn with matches and cigarette ends3 maps pulled down1 c40 ,some ,oxford men of the early 'sixties may remember a famous ,oratio ,procuratoria of the ,rev4 ,j4 ,riddell1 honoured name to all ,balliol men4 ,speaking of the conduct of undergraduates at concerts1 he lamented that men1 who at other times are perfectly well conducted1 when they appear at these meetings--nulla reverentia praepediti1 fumum strepitumque edentes1 barbarorum more ululantes1 promiscue tumultuantur4 ,who shall say that ,latin is a dead language6 ,once in a boys' school1 where discipline was not rigidly enforced1 ,i was imploring the first class not to drown my voice with their conversation while ,i was examining the adjacent class2 and the ,rector's wife1 who was looking on1 whispered to me1 8,mr4 ,kynnersley1 do tell me2 do you really think they are disorderly now80 8,very disorderly10 ,i said4 8,dear me60 she sighed3 8you should see them on a ,sunday40 ,it is not always easy for a stranger to decide whether a baddish-seeming boy has really over-topped the line which separates seeming from being4 ,such an one's mother came to me one day to consult me about her ,jem2 and from what she told me ,i went to the schoolmaster for further information4 8,what do you think of ,james ,x480 8,well1 sir1 he is not a bad sort of boy1 but he is--er--er----0 ,i broke in to his relief3 8,his mother says he is ,,ronk40 ,the master jumped at it3 8,that's exactly what he is1 sir3 he's ronk40 ,this was in the ,midlands1 and the word when spelt 8rank0 is ,shakespearean4 ,in ,cheshire the positive 8ronk0 is not used1 but the comparative or superlative is 8gallus10 which in ,french is pendard4 ,but 8ronk0 is a low mark for character1 and when a country school board presented as candidates for pupil-teachership three boys so ronk that their last examination had been in the ,police ,court on a charge of arson1 ,i thought that the bounds of charitable construction had been passed4 ,certainly their 8offence was rank40 ,nor did ,i think the clerk's plea1 that 8there was nothing else you could put 'em to10 a sufficient excuse4 ,i would not dwell on the proved fact that they could neither spell nor do a sum4 ,choir-boys have an established reputation for ronkness4 ,i was told of an example in my district of that date4 ,a number of them had been out for a ,saturday afternoon expedition into the country3 returning on foot they found themselves dead beat1 some way from home1 and they had no money for rail or tram fares4 ,the leader on the ,decani side--he who sings up to ,a1 and dies of consumption1 young1 with soft music--solved the difficulty4 ,he went to the nearest house and rang the door-bell4 ,full of fictitious strength they ran for a hundred yards4 ,another ring1 and another run1 and so on da capo al fine4 ,i wonder whether he was a ronk boy who discomfited the butcher4 ,it is often charged against our schools that they do not give a practical education1 equipping a boy to fight the battle of life4 ,but the lamb of my flock1 of whom ,i am thinking1 was a remarkable proof to the contrary4 ,the butcher had advertised in ,monday's paper for 8,a ,smart ,lad40 ,that same morning a candidate applied4 8,what name8 ,age8 ,been to the ,board ,school8 ,passed your ,standards8 ,what's four eights8 ,ah1 and seven eights8 ,fifty-six8 ,good3 seem a smart lad4 ,got a character8 ,at home8 ,how long to get it8 ,twenty minutes8 ,run and get it1 and if it's all right1 ,i'll put you on in the morning40 ,thus the butcher4 ,in ten minutes the smart lad returned4 8,got back already8 ,you are a smart lad4 ,thought you said it would take twenty minutes1 and you're back in ten40 ,the smart lad grinned4 8,it 'ud take me twenty minutes to get my character1 but ,i got yours in ten1 and ,i ain't coming4 ,g',mornin'40 ,these veritable histories1 ,i see1 on looking back1 are almost wholly concerned with boys and infants3 where are the girls8 ,it was constantly impressed upon me by ladies interested in schools1 that ,i1 as a mere man1 was wholly unfit to be entrusted with the inspection of girls' and infants' schools4 ,it was even thrown in my teeth that ,i1 being a miserable old bachelor1 could know nothing about children of any kind4 ,this was the argument of ,constance 7,king ,john1 ,act ,,iii4 sc4 iv47 to the ,cardinal3 8,he talks to me that never had a son40#be ,and this was the view of ,mrs4 ,gamp1 when she contemplated 8the unconscious ,chuffey03 8,drat the old creetur10 said that skilled practitioner1 8he's a layin' down the law tolerable confident too4 ,a deal he knows of sons or darters either40 ,the taunt of inexperience is applied to others besides school inspectors4 ,a clerical 7bachelor7 friend of mine found a woman in his parish feeding her three-months' old baby on kippered herring and tea4 ,he remonstrated1 and she turned indignantly upon him3 8,i should think ,i'd ought to know more about babies than you1 seein' as ,i've buried seven of 'em40 ,peritis credendum est in arte sua4 ,now ,i should be loath to assert that ,i know anything about children4 ,some one in ,sophocles 7,i think it was a ,chorus in the ,antigone7 remarked that 8of all weird things in nature ,man is the weirdest40 ,and by reason of his unexpectedness ,child is weirder than ,man4 ,but comparing my ignorance with female ignorance of ,child1 ,i do not see that ,i have any natural disqualification by reason of sex4 ,and when my critic has been a maiden lady1 it has been difficult to repress the obvious repartee4 ,i might add that so strong are the chains of custom that these critics1 if they wished to crush me by an appeal to authority1 would bring forward none but the names of men4 ,in ,french1 it has been unkindly remarked1 ange is always masculine1 bte always feminine3 there is no belle-ange1 no bte-noir3 and so 8,writer-on-school-method0 is always masculine4 ,this should be seen to4 ,lancaster1 ,bell1 ,pestalozzi1 ,frbel1 ,herbert ,spencer--are there no she-prophets8 ,if 8,man marks the earth with ruin1 his control0 should stop short of girls' schools4 ,far be it from me to dispute the point here4 ,it may be on account of this inability to understand girl1 that ,i have only one anecdote in stock for my #ej1jjj daughters3 ,the ,squire's wife at ,exhurst is not pleased with the manners of the girls1 since that ,miss ,a4 took charge of the school4 ,the other day ,her ,excellency met ,mary ,hodge in the lane1 and did not meet with due reverence4 ,she went on to ,mrs4 ,hodge's cottage1 and made complaint3 8,i met ,mary in the lane just now1 and she didn't curtsey to me1 and ,i do think1 c41 c40 8,well1 ma'am10 said ,mrs4 ,hodge1 deprecatingly1 8you see curtseying's gone hout now2 but if you'd 'a sloped to our ,mary1 ,i'm sure she'd a' sloped to you40 ,dear girls6 ,i have no stories to tell of them2 but though they did not lend themselves to humorous treatment1 they were very delightful2 and there was not one among the whole #ej1jjj who would have changed me for ,tabitha ,brown1 or ,priscilla ,jones1 or ,minerva ,robinson4 ,,footnotes3 #bd ,dickens3 ,little ,dorrit4 #be ,and so ,macduff3 8,he has no children40 --,macbeth1 ,act ,,iv4 sc4 iv4 ,,chapter ,,xviii ,,inspectors 8,many shall run to and fro1 and knowledge shall be increased40 ,daniel xii4 #d4 ,not so much ,inspectors1 as ,h4,m4 ,inspectors3 that distinction was always present to the mind of a self-respecting ,h4,m4,i4 ,the indoor staff fell back on the imaginary peerage1 which they called 8,my ,lords03 the outdoor staff went straight to the fountain of honour4 ,and when on some sudden emergency ,i called at the house of an exceedingly deaf ,rector 7who had forgotten my face7 and shouted through a trumpet that ,i was ,the ,inspector1 ,i was a little hurt to be asked 8,what of80 ,i fear he ranked me with my esteemed colleague in the other nuisances branch4 ,there were strange rumours thirty years ago of the all but regal position assumed by the pioneers of inspection4 ,and no doubt they received much encouragement in country districts4 ,in one corner of ,botia ,i found a surprising instance of this homage4 ,i had spent the night at 8,the ,lion0 at ,littletown2 the accommodation was humble1 but sufficient2 the bill presented in the morning was aspiring1 and more than sufficient4 ,i suggested some abatement and got it4 ,two or three years afterwards my successor proposed to sleep at 8,the ,lion10 but prudently enquired beforehand whether they were likely to make him comfortable4 ,the landlord assured him there was no cause for alarm2 he had been patronised by ,royalty4 ,on further enquiry it appeared that the ,royalty was ,me4 ,l'tat1 c'tait moi4 ,thanks to large envelopes1 8,on ,her ,majesty's ,service10 addressed to ,h4,m4 ,inspector1 and unsoiled with the common postage stamp1 ,i had been raised to ,royal rank1 and the reputation of the hotel and its charges had risen accordingly4 ,i fear those loyal spirits are more cautious now4 ,in a leading article in ,the ,times ,i read one day that a fact1 which the writer had just discussed1 occurred at a time 8when ,inspectors of ,schools were really men of mark40 ,and about the same time ,i read in a novel by a lady writer that the objectionable young man of the story had got 8one of those appointments which require no special capacity1 such as an ,inspectorship of ,schools40 ,in the latter case ,i took pains to find out in what ,inspector's district the lady lived3 and ,i discovered that her tyrant was one of the most amiable and most exemplary of men4 ,among other qualifications for the post he had the voice of a turtle-dove afflicted with tonsilitis2 and as a preacher--he was in ,holy ,orders--he was inaudible at a distance of twenty feet from the pulpit4 ,it is recorded of him that one ,sunday1 after he had been preaching in a strange church1 the verger1 or beadle1 met one of the clerical staff1 who had been engaged elsewhere1 and said1 8,you 'aven't missed much to-night1 sir2 we 'ad a bee in a bottle40 ,i cannot think how this colleague can have offended the lady3 unless she sat under him4 ,her criticism betrays a sense of personal resentment4 ,the complaint that things and persons are not what they were is familiar4 ,it must have frequently been made by ,eve1 after her change of residence1 and in the family of ,noah it would be the merest commonplace4 8,what pterodactyls we used to have before the ,flood60 ,but there is some justification for the lament of ,the ,times4 ,there were two or three ,inspectors of ,schools who were more distinguished than any whom ,i have known in later years4 ,dr4 ,temple1 and ,matthew ,arnold1 for instance1 gave lustre to the office4 ,but the former was 8,inspector1 chiefly of ,training ,schools0 7,life1 ,vol4 ,i41 p4 #ig7 for only two years2 and the latter was--to put it in most courteous terms--more efficient on the literary side4 8,mr4 ,arnold inspects our school in ,westminster10 a ,london school manager said to me4 8,of course we are much honoured1 and the managers make a point of attending to meet him4 ,he arrives in the course of the morning2 shakes hands with the managers and teachers2 and talks very pleasantly for a few minutes2 then he walks through the classes between the desks1 looking over the children's shoulders at some exercises1 and so makes his way to the door1 and we see him no more40 ,his letters in his ,life give some plausibility to the story3 his heart was not in the work1 and the drudgery was distasteful4 ,but he wrote admirable ,reports in the ,blue ,books3 there is a volume of these collected ,reports before me1 and ,i think no one reading them would detect any lack of experience in the writer4 ,he did what we were strictly forbidden to do1 and what lesser lights were afraid to do2 he freely criticised the ,code1 and freely suggested improvements4 ,and throughout there ran the three threads of humour1 irony1 and hard common-sense4 ,is it possible that my ,london friend slightly embellished his account8 ,when managers got bad reports1 they were dreadfully untruthful4 ,mr4 ,m4 ,arnold's other mission in the world of education was to supply the ,office with amusement4 ,the most detestable of our obligations was to compile a weekly diary1 forwarded to ,whitehall every ,saturday1 showing the daily employment1 and the daily expenditure on travelling expenses--which the ,treasury repaid4 8,vex not thou the poet's mind0 said his great contemporary2 and it may be that such minds require special consideration1 when striving to deal with prosaic details4 8,who knows what #8things unknown' ,i might have #8bodied ,forth1' if not checked by that absurd ,too-too80 sang ,calverley1 when his neighbour played on the 8crumpled horn40 ,and in the office the ,too-too was represented by a clerk1 whose mission in life was to return these diaries to negligent ,inspectors with pertinent or impertinent queries4 8,why not travel by train instead of taking a cab80 8,why go round by ,c4 to get to ,b480 and so on4 ,when in my latest days forty-five of these hateful diaries came to me weekly1 ,i began to see the standpoint of the clerk3 but in #ahge the ,senior ,inspectors had no such offensive duties3 8they themselves were custodianed40 ,arnold's district consisted of ,westminster and ,edmonton1 a ridiculous grouping4 ,his official address was 8,the ,athenum10 and he lived1 ,i believe1 at ,esher4 ,by the ,treasury rules1 if his work at ,edmonton required his attendance for two or more consecutive days1 he was bound after the first day to spend the night there1 or to refrain from charging his train and cab fares home again4 ,being a poet1 of course he returned home1 and charged his fare every day4 8,the knight of the ,blue ,pencil10 as he called his enemy1 sharpened his blue pencil1 and wrote--8,mr4 ,m4 ,arnold1 ,h4,m4,i4 ,why not stay at ,edmonton80 ,and the great man plaintively replied3 8,how can you expect me to stay at ,edmonton1 when ,john ,gilpin#bf couldn't80 ,the account was passed4 ,i imagine that his rule was lenient4 ,a colleague told me how they sat together at ,whitelands ,training ,college 7where the girls have the rude wind of education tempered to them by the study of ,ruskin1 and the cultus of the maypole7 and listened to 8,recitation10 which at school we called 8,lines40 ,the prosaic colleague1 looking over the poet's marks1 noticed that every girl had got the highest mark possible1 and he commented on this monotony of excellence4 ,arnold merely purred--8they are such charming girls40 ,of these two great men ,dr4 ,temple represented the clerical inspector1 who in those days inspected the ,national schools3 ,arnold and a few more laymen took the ,protestant ,dissenters1 and the ,british and ,foreign ,society's ,schools4 ,a still smaller body visited the ,roman ,catholics4 ,the clerical inspectors were men who had aspirations above parochial work1 and souls above common-room life4 ,the laymen were men who wanted a fixed income and congenial work1 and saw neither floating on the surface of any of the ordinary professions4 ,it must be borne in mind that inspecting schools was only part of the early inspectors' work3 they were missionaries over all the land1 and did much to stir up men and bodies of men to take an interest in education4 ,men of high attainments and diplomatic powers would be most valuable at such times1 and if the country got them1 whether clerical or lay1 the country was fortunate4 ,there were others famous in the land besides the two above mentioned2 ,brookfield1 ,bellairs1 ,fitch1 many more4 ,there were also some very inefficient persons4 ,a clergyman who dislikes the profession which he has adopted1 is not necessarily the best man for the profession which he chooses for his second string4 ,a layman who sees no prospect of success in the learned professions1 need not be the best critic of the teaching profession4 ,on the whole ,i think it safe to say that if we have fewer men of remarkable talent1 we have fewer men of remarkable unfitness4 ,there were many anecdotes of the giants of old4 ,in one county stories of the eccentric ,mr4 ,goodheart still survive4 ,a country rector told me some3 8,mr4 ,g4 frequently stayed here for the inspection of my school4 ,in those days there was no such system of pupil-teacher examinations as you have now 7he referred to the monthly examinations1 long since dropped73 the ,inspector examined the candidates at their own schools1 or at any convenient centre1 and set his own questions4 ,he always came to the parish school here on a ,monday3 slept here that night1 and took ,st4 ,george's school next day1 examining the pupil-teachers where he could4 ,one year he asked me to allow the ,p4,t4's of both schools to come up to the ,rectory at #f4cj to be examined1 and of course ,i agreed4 ,i was only thankful that he didn't fix #f4cj ,a4,m4 ,when they came1 he put them in my study2 gave them questions on paper in ,arithmetic1 ,grammar1 ,geography1 and ,history2 and then joined me at dinner40 8,what80 said ,i2 8and left them in the room with all your books80 8,oh yes3 he wouldn't trouble himself about a little thing like that4 ,well1 we dined1 and we had some wine that he liked1 and then he told stories about ,my ,lords3 you all do that1 don't you8 ,and time went on4 ,about ten o'clock the study bell rang1 and the parlourmaid came in with a grin1 and a message3 #8,please might the teachers go home8' ,old ,goodheart had forgotten all about them4 8,at ,st4 ,george's his proceedings1 which never varied year by year1 would have surprised you4 ,he went first to the ,boys2 heard some ,reading2 picked out some pieces for ,dictation2 and gave the master a lot of ,arithmetic cards to deal out4 ,then he went to the ,girls1 and did the same4 ,lastly he went to the ,infants1 where he chatted with ,miss ,buxom1 who was a great favourite of his1 till #ab or so4 ,he wound up by returning to the ,boys' and ,girls' schools1 and collecting all the ,dictation and ,arithmetic which had been done in his absence3 also he marked the slates4 ,the school was done40 ,this took away my breath for a minute4 ,every 8pass0 was worth four shillings up to #ahgf1 and the teachers usually got half the grant4 ,they would not help the children1 as a rule1 though ,i have twice seen that done2 but would they prevent copying8 ,the ,rector's eyes twinkled3 8,well1 we used to get better grants and better reports too from old ,goodheart than we do from you40 ,odd trick3 honours easy4 ,there were many legends also in three districts of the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,bluffer1 ,h4,m4,i4 ,he was of the common-room don type3 formerly1 and still gourmet3 formerly rough to undergraduates2 now rough to managers1 teachers1 and children2 but withal combining a certain human element and a liberal hand in spending his own money4 8,why10 ,i once asked1 8did not the managers rise up1 and demand ,bluffer's head on a charger80 ,and the answer was1 that the old sinner would at times wash down his advice and criticisms with cheques in aid of struggling schools4 ,there was need of some washing4 ,the ,secretary of the ,department told me1 some time after ,bluffer's death1 a story of ,h4,m4,i4's behaviour in school4 ,the master was an elderly man of the village pedagogue type1 and his fumbling ways were a little irritating to an official in a hurry4 ,the first class wanted reading books1 and the old man went off to fetch them2 searched in one cupboard unavailingly2 found them in another2 collected them2 piled them up in his arms1 and limped back4 8,look alive1 man60 shouted ,bluffer1 with a vigorous slap on his fat thigh4 ,the master jumped3 down went the books1 and the children roared4 ,the manager1 who told the story to the ,secretary1 was a peer of the realm1 and a wealthy one4 ,i think if he had kicked ,bluffer out of the room--say #djs4 and costs--and had let the ,government grant go hang1 he would have enjoyed himself more on his death-bed--and thereafter4 ,but yet1 as ,i said1 there was a human element in ,bluffer4 ,from another country school after the inspection the mistress wrote to her former headmaster3 8,her ,majesty's ,inspector has been here4 ,he was in a lovely temper4 ,when he had done1 he kissed all the boys1 and all the girls3 then he kissed the pupil-teachers2 and last1 but not least1 he did not omit your humble servant40 8,on ne s'arrte pas dans un si beau chemin10 said ,mr4 ,pleydell1 when he saluted ,julia ,mannering after ,lucy ,bertram4 ,it reminds one also of the old cottager who learned for the first time that ,solomon had had all those wives3 8,lor1 sir1 what blessed privileges them early ,christians had40 ,bluffer's last district was in a large town1 and a friend of mine was a manager of a school therein4 ,when the day of inspection arrived1 the rector was away1 and my friend1 being senior curate1 was left to receive the great man4 ,he knew ,bluffer by reputation1 and with commendable prudence enquired at the ,inspector's ,london club what1 as ,mr4 ,weller would put it1 8was his partickler wanity40 ,it was oysters1 and oysters accordingly were laid in4 ,on the appointed day the curate approached the official1 explained his position as vicegerent1 and proffered hospitality4 ,the inspector hesitated3 to lunch with a curate was hazardous1 and1 indeed1 pessimi exempli3 but this curate was a ,fellow of his college1 and had 8sat at good men's feasts1 and from his eyelid wiped a tear0 when the cook fell short of excellence2 it was a long way to the hotel3 on the whole he thought he would venture4 8,and when he came to my lodgings10 the curate reported1 8and saw the oysters laid out on the table1 and the brown bread and butter1 his face lit up with a heavenly smile1 and the report was excellent40 ,no such mitigating features were noted in ,snarler's reputation4 ,perhaps it was malice that attributed to him the appalling statement1 8,i never feel that ,i have done my duty in school unless ,i have left the mistress in tears40 ,it is not likely that he made the statement1 or that1 if he did1 he meant it4 ,but such stories are not told of amiable men4 8,men must work1 and women must weep10 but the actions1 if concurrent1 must not be causal4 8,it is better that women should greet than bearded men10 was ,ruthven's theory2 but his methods were considered rough1 even in ,edinburgh1 even in the sixteenth century4 ,let it not be supposed that the modern type of inspector is wholly free from folly and vice4 ,i could unfold several tales1 but de viventibus nil nisi bonum is a safe motto4 ,whether ancient or modern1 in my somewhat lengthy experience1 ,h4,m4,i4 is not generally beloved4 ,at one time ,i used to attend an annual dinner1 where the great majority of guests were clerical4 ,they would come to me1 one after another1 with the same story3 8,are you still inspecting schools8 ,still in the same district8 ,do you know our man1 ,mr4 ,m4 or ,n480 8,no2 we never meet our colleagues outside the ,division40 8,ah1 dear me3 ,i wish you would come to us instead4 ,our man is very unpopular2 requires so much in the way of improvements4 ,why1 what do you think he did last ,march80 c41 c4 ,it was pleasant to think that on that summer day all my school managers were wandering about ,england1 making the same complaint about me4 ,it is a pleasant profession for a peaceably-minded man4 ,if ,i were asked to state its principal charm1 ,i should say it is ,irresponsibility4 ,the income is moderate1 but sufficient and certain4 ,in the dim and distant future looms a pension1 assuring bread and butter4 ,the standard of comfort1 therefore1 is assured3 unfruitfulness of honest work does not threaten poverty2 ,patients1 clients1 customers1 cannot leave one4 ,but the chief comfort is that there is no personal worry4 ,a doctor grieves that his patients die2 a barrister gnashes his teeth at the blind stupidity of judges and juries1 who heeded him not2 a parish priest lies sleepless o' nights1 sorrowing for the wickedness of ,crooked ,court1 notably for the backsliding of hopeful converts4 ,but the entire collapse of the arithmetic in ,crooked ,court ,board ,school would not deprive the 8irresponsible1 indolent reviewer0 of a moment's rest4 ,the work is often very heavy1 but it is not work that kills3 it is worry4 ,,footnotes3 #bf ,a colleague insists on a variant3 8when ,john ,gilpin's horse couldn't40 ,,chapter ,,xix ,,chaunters' 8,i heard once more in college fanes ,the storms their high-built organs make1 ,and thunder-music1 rolling1 shake ,the prophets blazon'd on the panes40 ,in ,memoriam4 ,without any choice of mine1 except in one instance1 it has happened that since ,i left school1 in #ahfj1 ,i have always lived in cathedral cities4 ,oxford1 ,london1 ,bangor1 ,norwich1 ,chester1 ,manchester in turns have been my dwelling-places4 ,the cathedral city aspect of ,london 7the above-mentioned exception7 is little considered3 only of ,chester and ,norwich can it be said that the atmosphere is ,close4 ,there bishop1 dean1 and canon in residence are persons to be reckoned with4 ,even the minor canon1 a young man who comes with a tenor or baritone voice1 and goes away with a wife and a living1 receives in many quarters the brevet rank of canon1 and is a welcome guest if he can sing comic songs in the drawing-room4 ,an ,oxford college about the year #ahfj instituted 8,choral ,scholarships10 with the view of attracting undergraduates1 who should be able to take an intelligent part in rendering the choral services for which it was so famed2 and the wag of the period unkindly described them as 8,vox et praeterea nihil40 ,this is possibly true of some minor canons also1 especially of those who are gifted with a tenor voice3 for nature bestows this supreme gift with so sparing a hand that she can hardly be expected in every case to add wisdom4 ,i cannot remember that ,i ever met a minor canon with a basso profondo4 ,but baritones abound1 and when they1 or the tenors1 retire to their country living1 there is much lamentation in the ,close4 ,one such glorified minor canon ,i used to meet annually4 ,the ,reverend ,a4 ,chaunters had risen to the rank of precentor#bg in a southern city3 let us call it ,sudchester3 then he had been offered the snug rectory of ,q41 and in that country parish he had spent many happy years4 ,his cathedral days shared a fond place in his memory with his undergraduate days at ,oxford4 ,i think1 if ,i may be allowed the vain thought1 that it really pleased him to get me to lunch every autumn after his school inspection3 and with coffee and tobacco to prolong the session till the ,october twilight warned me to go4 ,it was my part to tell him year by year of the ,cathedral services in the city in which ,i dwelt2 of ,services#bh by ,stainer and ,stanford2 of anthems by ,gounod1 ,stainer1 and ,martin2 of the surpassing merits of the organist and choirmaster4 ,he would respond with chronicles of ,magdalen and of ,new in the 'forties and 'fifties2 of ,elvey and ,corfe2 and of the ,musical ,society in which he took an active part2 and then of the much-loved cathedral1 where he was precentor2 of the wonderful tenor1 and of the surpassing boy who sang ,rossini's 8,inflammatus0--8with the ,c in alt1 you know0--and ,mendelssohn's 8,hear my ,prayer40 ,he would fetch out old folios1 worn at the edges and weak in the back2 and looking lovingly through them1 he would ask1 did ,i know 8,i beheld and lo10 ,blow2 and 8,they that go down10 ,attwood8 ,had ,i ever seriously studied ,purcell8 ,ah-h4 ,then it was mine to tell him of changes in ,oxford3 of new buildings1 even of new colleges3 and it was his to bring up memories of 7,i forget what7 college1 where he matriculated before ,i was born4 ,he was there at the time of the 8,oxford ,movement40 ,he had heard the sermon of ,pusey which was condemned3 he had sat under ,keble3 under ,john ,henry ,newman himself4 ,he must have continued at ,oxford as ,chaplain of ,new1 ,magdalen1 or ,christ ,church after he took his degree1 for he remembered the day in #ahde when ,bounder of ,queen's met him and said1 8,have you heard that ,newman has gone over at last1 and a good job too80 ,that was ,john ,bounder1 who afterwards was ,archdeacon of ,nevermindwhere1 c41 c4 ,a little prompting from me would set the old man a-gate 7in ,cheshire phrase7 with a crowd of memories of his cathedral life2 so varied that ,i suspect that1 like many in their anecdotage1 he assimilated the experiences of others4 ,of his ,dean he had much to say4 ,the very reverend gentleman had been incumbent of a town parish1 where ,evangelical views prevailed1 and cathedral services were new to him4 ,it was said that after watching the choir for some days he summoned the precentor 7that was ,chaunters' predecessor7 to the ,chapter ,house1 and began after the method of ,socrates3 8,mr4 ,precentor1 ,i'd be glad to know whether your choir is paid to sing1 or to stand and do nothing80 8,certainly1 to sing1 ,mr4 ,dean40 8,because ,i have been watching 'um for four days now1 and ,i've come to the conclusion that there's an organised conspiracy among 'um4 ,in the ,psalms1 for instance1 ye'll see 'um taking it in turns2 one side singing a verse1 and then resting1 while the other side sings2 so that half of 'um are idle all the time4 ,it's an organised conspiracy2 nothing else40 ,the precentor explained the antiphonal method1 and the canon1 who was present1 rather staggered the dean by assuring him that this method was practised by the early ,christians in the days of ,trajan4#bi ,after this the dean was quiet for some weeks3 then he broke out again on the precentor3 8,i've been looking a good deal lately at your list of ,services1 and ,i notice that ye give us too much in the same key4 ,there's ,kempton in ,b flat1 and ,king in ,b flat1 and ,boyce in ,b flat1 and so on4 ,couldn't ye give us a little more variety80 8,by all means1 ,mr4 ,dean10 said the precentor3 8glad to see that you take so much interest in the music40 ,he withdrew1 and revised the list for the coming week3 there were four ,services 7out of fourteen7 in the objectionable key1 and in each case he erased ,b flat and substituted ,a sharp4 ,thus amended1 the list was printed and submitted to the dean1 who was pleased to express his gratitude that his suggestion had been adopted4 8,your precentor1 ,i presume1 didn't explain that an organ has only one note to represent ,a sharp and ,b flat10 said ,i1 anxious to let my host know that ,i saw the point of his story4 8,not he3 he was a man who enjoyed a joke1 and sometimes made one1 when he would have done better to hold his tongue till he got outside4 ,i remember one day1 an old canon had died2 he had always been in money difficulties1 and had left a family very poorly provided for4 ,the precentor came in just before service with a hymn-book1 and suggested that the canon in residence should choose a hymn suitable to the melancholy occasion4 8#8,to be sure1' said the canon pensively1 turning over the leaves in a vague way3 #8there's a beautiful hymn beginning3 #8,o let him whose sorrow ,no relief can find--' 8#8,the very thing1' said the precentor3 #8,trust in ,god and borrow4'#cj 8#8,that is what he would have done4'0 ,chaunters' cathedral1 he said1 stood in the midst of a ,close3 there was the palace1 there was the deanery1 there were the houses of the four canons4 ,even the minor canons presumed to occupy modest dwellings or lodgings in the sacred precincts4 ,there also was the devout centurion1 ,colonel ,a41 and there the retired ,admiral ,b4 ,there1 too1 were godly matrons and still more godly spinsters1 who revered the cathedral1 adored either the bishop or the dean1 associated with the canons' families1 and patronised the minor canons4 ,the canons were appointed by the ,crown4 ,the ,king can do no wrong1 but he may be misguided4 ,one canon was the head of a college at ,oxbridge2 he 8resided0 at ,sudchester in the ,long ,vacation4 ,when ,october came1 it brought with it the incumbent of a huge ,london parish1 which he neglected till ,christmas4 ,then came the archdeacon1 who indeed never went away1 for the ,close was his home4 ,the fourth was a voluble ,irishman who had obliged his political party--,chaunters did not tell me which party--at a critical time1 and had received his reward in the form of a canonry2 though he was of opinion that a deanery would have been more fitting1 and his wife criticised with some acerbity two recent appointments to the episcopal bench4 ,the archdeacon1 ,i have said1 was a fixture2 the others let their houses1 when they were not in residence1 and thus added a modest sum to their revenues4 ,two of them sided with the bishop1 who was ,high2 the others with the dean1 who was ,low4 ,chaunters was epigrammatic and symmetrical in his account4 ,just outside the ,close1 for the convenience of his music pupils1 lived the organist1 ,dr4 ,pedler1 whose ,services--,pedler in ,c1 and ,pedler in ,e flat--are as well known as his anthems1 8,oh my soul10 ,pedler1 and 8,great and marvellous10 ,pedler4 ,he even wrote an oratorio1 called ,sennacherib4 ,it was performed by the local ,philharmonic ,society1 and ,part ,i4 was favourably received2 but in ,part ,,ii41 when they came to the tenor and bass recitative 7,d minor7 8,and when they arose0 7too-too7 8early in the morning0 7too-too7 8behold0 7burr-r-r7 8they were all dead corp-ses0 7vum-vum on the 'cellos71 there was smothered laughter in the middle of the hall3 and the really fine aria for the tenor1 8,for the ,angel of ,death spread his wings on the blast0 was interrupted by guffaws from the back seats1 where the humour of the recitative had more slowly penetrated4 ,the dean1 too1 gave it to be understood that the blending of the ,book of ,kings with ,lord ,byron was hardly becoming in a cathedral official1 and ,sennacherib perished4 8,it was a pity1 though10 said my host1 8for that tenor air1 sung by ,sims ,reeves with extraordinary power to a harp obbligato accompaniment1 should have carried it through40 ,and the old gentleman sat down at the piano1 and made as though he would play it2 but he laughed sadly1 and muttered1 8,no ,sims ,reeves1 and no harp here10 and went on with his memories4 8,this soured the organist1 and he developed unsound opinions about the ,close4 ,his enemies even said that he voted for the ,whig candidate at a ,parliamentary election3 but this was before the days of ballot voting1 and the base slander was easily disproved4 ,he was a freeholder under the old statutes of the cathedral1 and neither dean nor bishop could touch him40 8,quamdiu bene se gessisset10 ,i interposed1 knowing the ,rector's affection for an easy bit of ,latin4 8,just so10 he answered1 rather uncertainly1 and continued4 8,pedler's special aversion was the ,irish canon2 partly because he had led the laughter that slew ,sennacherib1 and had even asked why ,sims ,reeves had not a ,jews' harp to accompany him3 partly because it was known to ,pedler that the ,canon spoke of him as the #8great and marvellous' one1 in allusion to the anthem above mentioned3 but chiefly because by the statutes of the cathedral his enemy was precentor1 and got #fjj a year for his office4#ca 8#8,paddy ,windbags1' he would say--for by that opprobrious name he designated his enemy--#8doesn't know the difference between the ,cruiskeen ,lawn and ,winchester ,new2 and with his canonry1 and what he gets by letting furnished apartments here1 when he is on the stump in ,mudborough1 he gets as much as all the men and boys on the ,cantoris side put together4' 8#8,and there's that ,cockney chap1' he would go on1 #8got a living in ,london worth goodness knows what2 population #ae1jjj2 takes a holiday in ,september1 because he is so hard worked1 and then comes down here for three solid months with thirteen old sermons in his pocket to fire at the cathedral congregation4 ,three months with two hours' work a day6 ,yah6' 8,all gone now10 ,chaunters sighed2 and there was a pause4 8,did ,i ever tell you about old ,dick the blower80 he resumed3 8,dick had been blowing the cathedral organ for thirty-five years2 it was all done by hand then2 and the story was that he knew the ,services and anthems so well that he could tell exactly how many fillings of the big bellows went to each4 ,he had a rough copy of the ,service ,list hung up in the recess where he worked his lever1 and a glance at that sufficed4 ,one afternoon1 when the ,first ,lesson was running down1 he looked at the list to see what #8,magnificat' was on2 it was ,rogers in ,d2 and he muttered #8sixty-four1' or whatever the number of pumpings was1 and in due course he blew sixty-four times4 ,but by bad luck it happened that an eminent musician had turned up1 and1 to impress him1 the precentor had taken off ,rogers in ,d1 which is a short affair1 and put on ,attwood in ,c1 which1 you may remember1 has a long ,gloria at the end4 ,having blown his sixty-four1 ,dick had emerged from his den to stretch his legs1 and1 long before the ,gloria was finished1 the organ was as dead as ,sennacherib4 ,dick was puzzled1 but conscious of right2 and when1 during the ,second ,lesson1 ,pedler came raging down-stairs to know what was wrong1 ,dick was ready3 #8,what 'ave ,i bin a doin' on8 ,why1 what 'ave you bin a singin' of8 ,hattwood in ,c8 ,what does it say on that there list8 ,doctor ,rogers in ,d1 and ,i blowed ,dr4 ,rogers in ,d4 ,if you'd 'a said ,hattwood in ,c1 ,i'd 'a blowed accordin'40 ,pedler admitted contributory negligence4 ,concerning vergers1 ,chaunters had countless tales2 but he robbed all the cathedrals in ,england of their local vergers and domiciled them all in ,sudchester4 ,it was not his verger1 but a ,st4 ,paul's man who objected to private devotions on the ground that they had services at #aj and #c4cj1 and didn't want no fancy work4 ,it was a ,canterbury verger who bade a private devotee rise from his knees1 and apologetically remarked to a bystander that if he didn't stop 'em he should 'ave 'em prayin' hall hover the place4 ,it was a ,belgravian verger who warned the lady not to leave her parasol about while she looked at the painted windows1 8because ,private ,devotions comes in at #aa1 and they halways steals40 ,it was in a northern cathedral that the vergers complained to the dean that the organist1 by playing on the organ when there was no service going on1 distracted the visitors so much that they wouldn't go round the chapels and tombs4 8,so that10 replied the ,dean blandly1 8not only this our craft is in danger to be set at naught1 but also that the temple of the great goddess ,diana should be despised40 ,it was at that same northern fane that a recently appointed verger1 who had left a good place to assume his gown1 on being invited by his exceedingly respectable master to return1 said1 8,i had rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my ,god1 than to dwell in the tents of ungodliness40 ,it was in a still more remote cathedral that the old verger1 on being informed by the canon that the stranger whom he was showing round was an ,ecclesiastical ,commissioner1 one of the family of ,shalmaneser1 hastily moved to the visitor's right side1 and explained that he kept his money in the pocket which he thus removed out of danger4 ,but all these and many other equally veracious anecdotes did my host affiliate on ,sudchester1 and ,i said no word of reproof4 ,all vergers work on the same principle1 that the cathedral exists for their benefit1 and that they should be supreme4 ,it follows that vergers' stories are interchangeable4 ,he had stories of parish clerks1 which in like manner he localised in the adjacent parishes4 ,most of them are in print1 but one purely ,cheshire story1 dating from #ahff1 has possibly been forgotten1 even in the county4 ,i will risk it after forty-two years4 ,it was at the time of the cattle plague1 when ,cheshire farmers were threatened with absolute ruin1 that in a country church one afternoon the choir burst into a pathetic hymn1 of which ,i remember only one verse3 8,there's not a cow1 or ox1 or beast1 ,but takes it out of hand2 ,and soon we'll have no beasts at all ,to dwell within the land40 ,the farmers wept bitterly1 and said it was too touching3 but the ,rector said to the clerk1 when they got into the vestry1 8,why1 ,thomas1 what was that psalm you were singing8 ,was it one of ,david's80 8,deevid60 said the clerk in bitter scorn1 8,deevid never wrote hanythink loike that in hall 'is born dees3 that wur a bit of moy puttin' tergether40 ,i remember how ,i pleased the old man by capping his story with a ,midland counties' story1 told me by the vicar concerned therein3 ,they had begun the ,athanasian ,creed1 and in the front seat1 right before the old three-decker of pulpit1 reading-desk1 and clerk's pew1 stood an old man searching in vain for the unaccustomed formulary4 ,the vicar hastily whispered to the clerk below him1 8,find his place40 ,the clerk obeyed1 and then half-turning round muttered with withering contempt3 8,whoy1 'ee were a-rootlin i' the ,psawms60 ,of course these varied reminiscences were not all produced at one meeting2 they were spread over many years1 and some recurred more than once1 more than twice4 ,the story about ,dick1 the blower1 for instance1 was a hardy annual1 and if the ,rector had not produced it in any year1 ,i should have been aggrieved4 ,,footnotes3 #bg ,his official rank was succentor1 the precentor being a ,canon2 but in ,sudchester the full title is always conceded4 #bh 8,services0--with a capital ,s--stands for the ,canticles1 and the musical setting of the ,communion ,service4 #bi 8,carmenque ,christo1 quasi deo1 dicere secum invicem40--,pliny1 x4 #ig4 #cj ,the verse runs thus in the hymn-book3 8,trust in ,god1 and borrow ,ease for heart and mind40 #ca ,this custom exists at other old foundations2 ,st4 ,paul's1 ,york1 c4 ,,chapter ,,xx ,,chaunters' ,,garden 8,i'll fetch a turn about the garden40 ,cymbeline4 ,one year ,chaunters asked me to excuse him for half an hour or more1 while he took a funeral3 the garden was his special delight1 and though in ,october there was little to see1 ,i should find the gardener there1 and he would show me what was left4 ,the flowers needed no apology3 there was a blaze of dahlias1 and ,i know not what else3 and there was ,robert ,diggle1 the gardener1 whose acquaintance ,i had made before4 ,he was digging away exactly as ,i had seen him in the previous ,october2 and ,i thought of the historic ,andrew ,fairservice3 8,am trenching up the sparry-grass1 and am gaun to saw sum ,misegun beans40 ,do you trench up asparagus in ,october8 and what are ,misegun beans8 ,i did not ask ,robert1 because it would have revealed the depth of my ignorance1 and the school might have got to know it4 ,how could ,i examine in botany1 or in the principles of agriculture1 if ,i didn't know when to trench up sparry-grass8 ,it seemed wiser to congratulate the good man on the appearance of the garden1 and on the bright show of flowers1 which ,i did not venture to specify more particularly3 ,i added it was evident that the rector was as keen a gardener as ever4 ,the remark was not well received3 it implied that ,robert was not entitled to the undivided glory of the dahlias and things4 ,he grunted1 and then conceded that the rector worked hard4 8,it's a pastime10 he said1 and then handsomely added1 8and ,i think he does good3 why1 theer's a manny little thengs1 as it doon't matter how you put 'em in40 ,poor rector6 8,alas6 what boots it with incessant care ,to tend the homely1 slighted 7gardener's7 trade40 ,robert's thoughts were elsewhere1 while ,i filled and lighted a pipe4 8,ah heerd yo' was about1 sir3 been to our skule1 'aven't yo'80 ,i admitted it4 8',twas our ,lizzie tould me theer were a streenge mon as 'ad been1 and hoo#cb weren't a-goin' to skule anny moor4 #8,whoy1 whativer's to do8' ah says3 and hoo says1 the mon come and called hoo ,jenny1 and hoo towld 'im hoo weren't called ,jenny3 that were ,jenny ,miller in yon desk2 and the mon asted hoo to come 'ome with 'im wheer 'ee lived1 and hoo were froightened4 #8,lor' bless thee1 wench1' ah says1 #8yon were th' inspector3 'ee wouldna hurt yo'4' #8,na1 na1 dadda1' hoo says1 #8ah bain't a-gooin to skule anny moor4'0 ,and ,robert leant on his spade and roared4 ,then he added1 apologetically1 8,hoo isn't only fower1 a-gooin' foive40 ,i suggested that if she had been more than four years old1 with five in prospect1 ,i should have hesitated to give the invitation4 8,and hoo isn't so very strong1 neether10 he added mournfully1 as if to discourage my abduction of ,lizzie3 8doctor says as hoo had ought to 'ave a iron tunic40 ,i hastily agreed1 and then pondered on ,lizzie1 thus armour-clad1 strait-waistcoated--inclusam ,danaen turris aenea--ah1 to be sure1 8tonic10 iron tonic1 much more suitable4 ,robert did not notice my hesitation3 he had picked up a big stone1 and in throwing it behind him had disturbed the peace of a tom blackbird1 who fled1 using language that would have brought a blush to the bill of a ,melbourne cockatoo4 ,i went on to remark that the little ones seemed very happy with ,miss ,jones1 and that ,mr4 ,birch was a good master4 ,robert agreed3 things were improved since his time1 and the little 'uns would as lief go to school as stop at home1 when they had once got over the scare of the first week4 8,when ,i was a lad10 he continued2 and ,i modify his dialect for general convenience1 8at one time we had a ,scotchman for schoolmaster4 ,squire had heard as the ,scotch were great at eddication1 and he advertised1 and got ,mc,dougall1 as they called him4 ,but ,i reckon squire was a bit took in1 for we soon found out as old ,mac wasn't so wise as he looked4 ,it was in the reading lessons that we first caught him3 there were some of the top lads as were pretty tidy readers1 but now and again they'd come to a long word1 as would pull 'em up short1 same as if you'd struck your spade again a stone in digging2 and they'd stop1 and wait for ,mac to give 'em a hand over4 ,but they never got nowt off 'im3 'ee'd only the one answer1 and that were1 #8,hop that1 cocky1 it's ,laa-tin'3 and after a bit we got to understand1 and we'd laugh1 and he'd get mad4 ,well1 one day in one of them lessons he comes to a middlin' hard word1 not so bad but what he could tell it himself3 #8,now1 lads1' he says1 #8what does this word mean8' #8,magazine' it was1 ,i remember as if it were yesterday3 and ,tom ,jackson1 he grins1 and he says1 #8,please1 sir1 it's ,lahtin1' and we laughed a good 'un4 ,eh1 but ,mac were wild1 and he gives ,tom what-for with what he called the tawse1 a bit of broad leather with a hole in it1 and ,tom took and told his father1 old ,tummas1 the blacksmith1 of this newfangled way of thrashing a lad2 and old ,tummas1 he goes down to skule to have it out with the gaffer4 ,mc,dougall was settin' in his own parlour with a black bottle by his side1 and little ,jenny ,williams was keepin' skule till he'd done his pipe and glass4 #8,hey1 gaffer1' ,tummas says1 when he come inside2 #8thou'st been a 'ammerin' our ,tom wi' a strap wi' a 'ole in it1 'stead of a stick1 and ah wunna 'ave it1' he says3 #8whoy what dost think ash-plants was growed for8' 8#8,my mon1' says ,mac1 #8what are ye saying8 ,can ye no express yourself in a more intelligible manner8' and he tips up the cheer as he were settin' on1 on to its hind legs1 and just waves his pipe at ,tummas1 as if he were a kid4 ,the smith could mak' nowt of the ,scotch1 but he kicks up ,mac's foot1 as he swings it in the air1 and down goes skulemaster1 chair and all4 ,he clutches at the table to save hisself1 like1 and that brings down table and whisky bottle too2 and ,tummas just chucks a couple of chairs and a big cushion off the couch a-top of the whool lot1 and he goes into skule4 #8',ello1 lads1' he shouts3 #8t' gaffer's not a-feelin' so very well to-dee1 and it's 'ollidee for yer all4' ,and off they goes down t' road a 'ollerin' like mad4 ,my word1 it were a bit o' fun4 8,well1 squire got to hear of that some road1 and ,mac had to go3 they do say as he got so drunk one day in skule that the lads had him down on the floor1 and rolled him along1 same as a barrel1 but ,i wasn't there that day3 ,tom ,jackson tould me of it4 ,and the squire got a college man1 as had passed all the zaminations1 same as ,master ,birch40 8,certificated10 ,i suggested4 8,ah1 summat o' that3 and he played th' organ in church1 and got us some new tunes1 as we didn't tak' to1 not at first1 but1 ,lor' bless you1 they has 'em everywheer now1 and calls 'em old4 ,and he measures up fields for th' farmers1 and goos off manny a time i' th' arternoon to learn their daughters to play the pianner1 when he should ha' been in skule1 and they should ha' been makkin' cheese4 #8,eh1 my word1' ,farmer ,turner says one day1 #8theer's been no good cheese made i' ,cheshire since piannyfortes com' in'3 and that's a fact40 ,and ,robert turned over the soil pensively1 and threw a worm to his favourite robin4 78,no good cheese since pianos came in40 ,mrs4 ,poyser1 or1 still more1 her misogynist enemy--what was his name8 ,bartle ,massey8--would have been proud of the epigram47 8,well1 he gets too big for his boots3 couldn't carry corn1 as the sayin' is3 and that year th' ,gov'ment inspector began to come round1 same as you1 sir2 only he was a minister2 and he drops on skulemaster1 so ,i heerd1 because us lads couldn't get our sums right2 and skulemaster goes off in a huff4 8,i'd only one more master1 because ,i left skule to go to work when ,i were eleven3 and he were a cliver chap4 ,th' inspector i' those days used to zamine us i' th' ,bible and ,catechism1 bein' a minister1 ,i suppose80 ,i nodded my head in confession of my disqualification4 8,well1 we didn't do no jography1 nor none of them things as they larn 'em now1 but we has ,scripture2 and th' rector and skulemaster takes it between 'em1 and when th' rector weren't theer1 skulemaster would say1 #8,now1 lads1 don't go to sleep2 ,i like to see yer 'ands 'eld up ev'ry time when ,i ast a question1 and mind1 if you know the right answer1 hold up the right hand2 that's the one as you write with2 but if you don't know1 hold up th' other 'and4' ,well1 it tak's 'im a deal of time to get 'em to remember which were the right 'and1 and ,bill ,tompkins1 'ee 'olds up 'is left 'and1 because he always wrote with 'is left 'and2 till at last gaffer taks and ties a bit of string round all their right 'ands1 and then us got it right4 8,but when th' inspector com round1 i'stead of asting skulemaster to zamine the lads1 same as the last chap did1 he asts 'is own questions1 and skulemaster gets scared1 and says1 #8,now1 boys1 don't 'old up either 'and1 unless you know3 don't guess2' and 'opes th' inspector will excuse 'im for interruptin'4 ,that fair moithered us all1 and not a 'and or a word could th' inspector get from us4 8,naterally th' inspector1 and rector too1 gets a bit shirty1 and they turns on skulemaster1 but he nowt but smiles at 'em1 and says1 #8,it's just seen' a stranger1' he says1 #8as they isn't used to3 ,i think1 sir1 if you'll allow me to ast 'em a few questions1 they'll do better4' ,th' inspector didn't much like bein' told as 'ee weren't a good 'and at the job1 but 'ee says1 #8,oh1 all right1' 'ee says1 #8take 'em yourself1 by all means1' 'ee says2 and he sets down i' th' arm cheer to see skulemaster cut 'is own throat1 in a manner of speaking4 #8,now1 lads1' says th' gaffer1 very pleasant like1 #8don't forget what ,i tould you about 'oldin' up your 'ands4 ,who was ,moses8' and every lad 'olds up one 'and or th' other4 ,gaffer1 of course1 asts only what they've been learned1 and picks out only th' right 'ands for th' answers2 an' 'ee goes on for a quarter of a hour1 'ands up every time1 and mostly right answers1 theer or theer about1 and th' rector perks up and says it was only bein' a bit shy1 in a manner of speakin'1 and 'ee's very pleased with 'em1 and there'd be a school treat next week2 and th' ,inspector says 'ee 'asn't seen a better show of 'ands not in the county4 ,ee6 my word1 my word60 ,i laughed with ,robert2 but to think of the villainy of the master1 who made the children his conspirators6 ,did his scripture syllabus include a certain text about a millstone and the depths of the sea8 ,robert struck his spade deep in the ground and leant on it1 implying that he was coming to something of interest4 8,did yo ever meet ,master ,bibber in skule80 he asked4 8,bibber08 yes2 ,i had seen him in two schools some time ago3 he had gone to ,america and had died there1 a good while since4 ,robert pondered whether the law of slander1 about which the working-man is 7fortunately7 very timorous1 would 8cop0 him1 in ,cheshire phrase4 8,ah wudna say a word agin 'im i' that case10 he said3 8but 'ee were a rum 'un40 8,wasn't an out-and-out teetotaler80 ,i suggested1 knowing ,bibber4 ,robert took courage3 8,eh1 by gom1 no4 ,it wasn't hereabouts2 it was down in ,clayshire1 where ,i were gardener to ,muster ,brown1 that ,i seen 'im4 ,i hadna been married above two-three year1 and it were on a ,sunday afternoon1 that ,i heerd a terrible noise1 and ,i says to my missus1 #8,polly1' ,i says1 #8theer's dogs worryin' a cow3' and hoo says1 #8,eh1 yon's not dogs1 it's children cryin'1' hoo says3 and ,i goes into the street1 and theer were a crowd round ,master ,bibber's door--he were skulemaster i' th' village skule--and theer were little ,tommy ,bibber among 'em1 cryin' fit to break 'is 'eart4 #8,eh1 ,muster ,diggle1' 'ee says1 #8coom in1' 'ee says2 #8theer's father murdered ,jenny1 and 'ee's a-gooin' to murder us4' ,so ,i goes in1 o' course1 and theer were ,jenny lyin' on th' floor in a faint1 and theer were old ,bibber1 mad drunk1 and dancin' about1 quite crazed like4 #8',ello1 ,gaffer1' ,i says1 #8what's to do now8' #8,ah1 ,robert ,diggle1' 'ee says1 #8'appy to see a neighbour on the ,sabbath day2 let us engage in prayer4' #8,yo dom'd rascal1' ah says1 #8it's gin as yo've been engagin' in1' and ah stoops down to pick up ,jenny1 and all of a sudden ,bibber maks for me1 and tries to bite me i' th' arm4 #8,by gom1 ,bibber1' ah says1 #8if it's fisticuffs yo want1 yo shall 'ave 'em'2 and ah fetches 'im one on th' side o' th' yead1 and down 'ee goes like a bullock4 ,ah picks 'im up again1 and ah sheeks 'im till yo could 'ear 'is teeth rattle1 and ah puts 'im i' th' cheer1 and ah picks up ,jenny1 and puts 'er on th' couch1 and ah leaves 'em to it40 8,what did the school managers say to that80 8,oh1 they giv' 'im the sack next week3 but th' folks i' th' village1 they were all for ,bibber--'ee were a smartish chap1 when 'ee were sober--and ,bibber1 'ee taks a cottage close by1 and sets up a skule of 'is own1 and gets all the children2 and th' young mon as gets th' parish skule1 'ee hadna more than 'alf a dozen when ah comed away1 and ah niver 'eerd how it ended4 ,skulemasters is like gardeners1 ,i rackon2 theer's good and bad2 but it taks all sorts to mak a world40 ,while ,i was still pondering on the comprehensive wisdom of this apophthegm1 the ,rector appeared with apologies for delay4 ,in his hand he bore an open letter1 and his flushed face showed some excitement4 8,come in the greenhouse10 he said1 8there is just time for a cup of tea before your train1 and ,i have a letter to show you40 ,the conservatory opened into the dining-room1 and there we found a table and chairs1 and tea ready4 8,it's from my nephew1 ,percy10 ,chaunters said1 waving the letter4 8,he is mad on music1 and architecture1 and is making a tour of the southern cathedrals this autumn2 among others he has taken ,sudchester1 and ,i gave him an introduction to the organist40 8,what1 old ,thingumy in ,e flat80 8,pedler8 ,no3 he has been dead some years3 it's that queer fellow ,trackers2 wrote a cantata called ,boanerges1 don't you know8 ,they had it at ,birmingham1 or ,leeds1 or somewhere last time4 ,here is the letter3 8,he begins1 like most travellers1 with the hotel3 #8,why do all ,cathedral towns have an hotel that was forgotten in the ,reformation8 ,cranmer1 ,ridley1 and ,latimer used to lie here1 and the place has not been done up since4 ,the fish they gave me for dinner yesterday was bought for ,cranmer's dinner one ,friday1 and he wouldn't have it because it wasn't fresh4 ,the head waiter used to be ,ridley's page1 and he has the episcopal scorn for a layman4 ,the chamber-maid was a buxom lass in ,latimer's time2 she has lost the bloom of her youth1 but retains her sixteenth century domestic methods2' and so on2 you know he is young1 and out for a holiday4 8,then he gets to the flying buttresses and the ,norman arches1 but you are in a hurry3 this is what ,i thought you would have time for3 8#8,i was just in time for afternoon service1 and ,i took your letter with me and told the verger ,i wanted to speak to the organist1 to whom ,i had a letter of introduction4' 8#8,dr4 ,trackers1 sir8 certainly1' said the official with official patronage2 #8never heard the ,doctor play8 then you'll 'ave a treat3 hevery one says so2 perhaps he'll give you a bit with his new stop1 8nux vomica10 they call it2 but ,i think it sounds like a choir of hangels playing on a comb' 7'hngels plyin hon a ca-omb'--in the original74 ,i hadn't time to digest this graphic description of the ,vox ,humana before ,t4 arrived1 and accepted my note3 #8,what1 the old ,precentor8' he said1 #8come up to the organ-loft2' and ,i went40 78,we may skip a good deal here about the organ1 and its stops1 and pneumatic machinery--did ,i ever tell you about ,old ,dick the blower8--and come to the music40 8,cut the cackle and come to the 'osses10 ,i murmured to myself47 8,it was the #aeth evening1 with that long ,psalm1 you know1 and never have ,i heard such chanting4 ,t4 knows his psalter by heart1 and never seems to look at the book2 his mind is busy with half a dozen things1 and he keeps up a running commentary of the quaintest but most maddening kind on the music1 the singers1 the cathedral1 and what not4 ,the choir is admirably trained1 and the boys' voices are good1 better than the men's2 and they pronounce every syllable1 though andanti con moto1 and got through the seventy-three verses without a slip4 ,trackers1 as a rule1 only indicates illustrations1 reserving greater effects for greater needs2 but once he just threw in a pedal ,f natural1 to express his opinion of the blacklegs of ,ephraim1 which absolutely withered and shrivelled them up4 8#8,three chants we have for this long psalm1' he began1 #8starting in ,a2 sort of reciting1 historical chant--do you understand stops8 ,just pull out that chap'--and he pointed with his big nose--#8listen to that tenor2 he's as flat as ,holland'--and he warmed him up with a reed on the solo--#8we can't afford ,sims ,reeves1 and this is a decent little chap2 now that coupler1 please2' and he 8brought waters out of the stony rock03 #8verse #ai brings us into ,d1 with a heavy bass1 good for the plagues farther on4 ,dean's away this week1 don't know where--now the reeds1 please'--and he 8rained down manna10 and 8brought in the south-west wind10 and with a sudden cyclone 8slew the wealthiest of them10 and then bit by bit he muzzled the monster1 while the ,israelites were falling into forgetfulness1 till there was only just enough to keep up the pitch4 ,then he broke out again3 #8,did you hear of the ,dean's uncle1 and his will8 ,always hoped to get something out of him1 and last ,christmas the old fellow died in town--now those two at the side3' and suddenly the organ began to live again1 and to grow1 and we rushed into the plagues of ,egypt4 ,i looked over the rail and saw the eyes of the boys positively shine3 the men were shifting from one leg to another1 as the growl of the pedals increased40 78,dear me6 how strange10 the old man interpolated2 8,i always change legs every verse when ,i am excited407 8,they were singing ,tutti1 and insensibly quickening the pace2 ,i heard ,trackers absently mutter something about the ,dean and his uncle--#8of course the ,dean went to the funeral'--and then even he joined in the chase3 8hailstones10 and they danced on the floor2 8hot thunderbolts0 that rumbled and scorched2 8furiousness of ,his wrath1 anger1 displeasure1 and trouble02 and 8the prophets blazoned on the panes0 rattled1 and the old fabric swam before my eyes1 and ,i clutched at the rail for safety3 there came a sudden roar1 like an advancing earthquake1 and the pestilence smote the first-born of ,egypt1 so that the tower shook1 and then1 without warning1 we slipped into the smooth waters of ,g3 8,he led them forth like sheep02 ,israel sat in shady places by the water side in the ,promised ,land1 playing on the harmonic flute1 and--,trackers1 half turning his head1 said3 8#8,and they found he'd married his cook1 and left her the money4' ,but ,i was leaning over the rail and crying like a girl at her first play40 8,look here1 rector10 ,i interposed1 8,i must catch the #f4cj40 ,and ,i fled4 99 99 99 99 99 ,poor old ,chaunters6 ,we were not to have many more meetings4 ,the next year1 on my arrival at the rectory1 ,i was warned that there was something special in store for me1 and in due course the secret was revealed4 ,some old friend had bequeathed to him two dozen of #ahdg port1 and a bottle had been decanted with extraordinary care4 ,i own ,i find it difficult to drink port in the afternoon1 but such nectar could not come at a wrong time4 ,the ,rector was with difficulty induced to join me3 he would have just one glass to see whether it had 8suffered by translation02 and just another glass because he wouldn't see me again for a whole year2 and the merest drop more to drink ,church and ,queen1 because we had forgotten that ceremony4 ,as ,i was going away he charged me to remember that the '#dg was to be kept for me3 8no one else came to see the old man10 and with his gout he couldn't touch it himself3 so long as the old man lasted there was a bottle for me4 ,alas for good intentions6 ,next ,october1 when ,i came to the rectory1 the ,rector had had the gout1 and the port was gone4 ,it was not on that account1 but because of the increase of work which necessitated devolution of the smaller schools to the sub-inspectors1 that in the following year ,i had to delegate the inspection of ,chaunters' school to my senior colleague4 ,but ,i charged him to deal gently with the old man2 to lunch with him2 to tell him about the anthems at the cathedral2 and specially to be careful to introduce into his conversation such fragments of ,latin as would give it a scholarly flavour without straining his host's classical memory2 and to this end we compiled a list of phrases1 such as bona fide1 in situ1 in statu quo1 timeo ,danaos1 festina lente1 profanum vulgus1 and others which ,i forget4 ,it was a great success4 ,the ,rector wrote to me1 expressing his sincere regret that ,i could not come2 but thanking me for sending so excellent a substitute3 it was rare1 he remarked1 in these days to meet a man whose conversation gave such ample proof of a liberal education4 ,i think ,i never saw him again3 his death occurred soon afterwards1 and ,i trust his nephew 8carved his epitaph aright40 ,like ,browning's ,bishop he would have liked ,latin2 but he would not have cared whether it were ,tully or ,ulpian1 so long as it was familiar2 and he would have given a preference to examples from the ,latin ,grammar4 ,it would have sufficed1 ,i think1 to begin with 8,hic jacet10 and to wind up with 8,multis ille bonis flebilis occidit02 and ,i should heartily have appended 8,nulli flebilior quam ,,mihi40 ,,footnotes3 #cb 8,hoo10 or more properly 8oo10 in the ,counties ,palatine stands for 8she0 or 8her40 ,,chapter ,,xxi ,r4,c4s 8,a single life doth well with churchmen1 for charity will hardly water the ground1 where it must first fill a pool40--,bacon4 ,i think ,i have already said that one of the charms of our life1 seemingly so monotonous1 was its infinite variety4 ,there were no days in the year that provided such varied entertainment as those set apart for the ,roman ,catholic schools4 ,technically we knew them only as ,r4,c4s4 ,it should be premised that1 as a general rule1 in the north-west of ,england 7in ,french idiom7 8who says ,roman ,catholic says also ,irish40 ,this is not the case in some villages in ,lancashire where the ,reformation has not yet penetrated2 and in such towns as ,liverpool and ,manchester there is a large admixture of the ,latin race1 besides ,belgians and ,hollanders2 but in ,cheshire with very few exceptions the priests are ,irish1 and the school-teachers and children are ,irish4 ,there is a sprinkling of ,english priests1 but by dint of living almost wholly with ,irish co-religionists they nearly always have a noticeable brogue4 ,they study their business so diligently and so skilfully that ,i can quite imagine they would cultivate the brogue1 if it were not self-sowing1 as the key to the hearts of their flocks4 ,assume a virtue if you have it not4 ,on the other hand ,i have known some ,irish priests whose families have lived so long in the land of the silent ,h1 that1 if on such a theme ,i may be allowed a bull1 they have added the absent ,h to their brogue1 making themselves all things to all men4 ,it must always be borne in mind that in the ,north there are exceedingly few of the well-born1 well-to-do priests1 such as are to be found in ,london and the ,south4 ,in the former district they are for the most part born of the working class2 workers among the working class1 and especially among the working class that does not work if it can avoid it4 ,born poor1 often poorly educated1 poorly paid1 chiefly dependent on the poorest of the poor1 holding office practically at the will of the bishop 7subject to an appeal to ,rome7 and without prospect of any promotion except to the dignity of an honorary canonry1 they seem to have less of the enviable in their lives than most of their flock4 ,a drudgery with the halo of martyrdom4 8,happily10 said a 'vert to me1 8these ,catholic-born priests are exempt from doubt20 and their absolute knowledge that the next world will bring them a recompense for their work here is sufficient consolation4 ,nothing could be farther from the truth than the popular conception of their character and habits4 ,what priests in ,ireland may be ,i know not2 what they are in north-west ,england ,i know in part4 ,as regards their character1 ,i may say that ,i have known very many priests among the five million inhabitants of the two ,counties ,palatine in the last thirty years1 and that ,i have heard of only two charges affecting their moral character 7in the popular acceptation of the phrase72 in one case the offender was a foreigner and he was expatriated with admirable speed2 in the other case1 there was only the gossip that no one heeds4 ,they are priests of the church of a small minority3 they are on their guard1 and they keep guard well4 ,i do not mean to say that they are impeccable4 ,but their peccadilloes were not my concern1 unless they took the form of an attempt on the public purse in school matters4 ,and this chronicle is not a chronicle of other people's failings4 ,i turn to ,lorna ,doone3 8,that is said to be the angels' business2 and ,i doubt if they can attend to it without injury to themselves40 ,for the rest1 their bitterest enemies--and they are very bitter in these parts--will allow that they work without ceasing and with entire self-devotion4 ,in their parochial work ,i imagine--not from enquiry1 but from casual observation--that the house-to-house visiting falls chiefly on the curates2 the rector is more easily found at home4 ,but the heavy work undoubtedly comes at night4 ,the door bell seems to get no rest2 sometimes it is a drunken woman1 who comes to take the pledge1 just as a wealthier drunkard might ask for a bottle of seltzer2 sometimes a request for worldly advice or assistance2 sometimes1 and many times1 an urgent demand for a speedy visit to ,biddy1 who is 8dyin' entirely10 but turns out to be dismally drunk4 ,the whole force of the mission is sometimes called out1 and then1 even when the inspector was playing his annual rubber1 it was with much difficulty that a quorum could be kept4 ,in the small hours of the morning the flock break out afresh4 ,patsey is brought home helpless at #b ,a4,m41 ,michael has his head cut open at #c2 ,molly upsets the lamp1 and sets the baby on fire at #d4 ,in each and every case his reverence is brought down to give the last rites to the afflicted person1 and in each and every case he finds that he might as well have gone on with his sleep4 ,dear ,canon ,c4 much loved1 much plundered6 ,was it not told of him1 how his flock took it in turns to trade on his loving credulity8 ,in the early morning there would come a violent ring at the bell1 and the ,canon would stare out into wet darkness3 8,who is there80 8,it's me1 ,mrs4 ,o',shaughnessy1 ,god help me1 yer ,rivirence40 8,what do you want80 8,it's me husband that's had a shtroke1 an' he's dyin' this minute40 8,well1 ,i can't come1 but here's half-a-crown40 ,and so on da capo till the purse was empty4 ,why do they stand it8 ,the answer was given me1 indirectly1 by a contemplative priest3 ,he3 8,there can be no doubt that for the working-man the ,church of ,rome is the best in the world40 ,i3 8,why specially for the working-man80 ,he3 8,because it enables him to lead whatever sort of life he prefers1 and then at the last moment he can send for the priest1 and put it all straight40 ,i3 8,good ,heavens1 ,canon6 do you believe that80 ,he3 8,my dear man1 if you believe the ,bible1 there can't be the least doubt in the world about it40 ,this seems to account for the 8conversation0 7in the ,scriptural sense7 of several friends4 ,it is hard that the privilege should seem to be confined to working-men4 ,however1 it becomes abundantly clear that even at #b ,a4,m4 ,patsey cannot be neglected3 it may be for him the chance of a lifetime4 ,another and a most distracting part of their work is ,finance4 ,i believe ,i am correct in the following premises3 ,every mission in these parts has a debt on the buildings4 ,no such debt can be incurred without leave from the bishop4 ,the priest is bound to find the quarterly interest4 ,no personal liability attaches to the priest3 his successor inherits the debt4 ,in favour of spending there is3 7#a7 ,a congregation full of zeal2 thriftless2 firmly believing in ,justification by ,works4 7#b7 ,freedom from personal or family liability4 7#c7 ,accruing reputation for zeal4 ,on the other side3 ,the interest has to be found1 and the congregations are poor1 and heavily taxed for maintenance4 ,you may say that is three 8,for10 and one 8,against40 ,but arguments are weighed1 not counted2 and the weight of that quarterly interest is the weight of the ,old ,man of the ,sea4 ,how many lives have ,i seen wrecked in that sea of debt--in spite of the ,anchor of ,faith6 ,yet debt1 in moderation1 is 8most wholesome and full of comfort10 as one of the ,articles says of something else--,i forget what2 and ,i have preached to ,anglican divines1 and with some acceptance1 the blessings of debt4 ,call it 8distributing capital expenditure over a term of years10 and even a rural dean succumbs4 8,out of debt1 out of danger10 but 8out of debt1 out of progress40 ,the third great branch of their work is one that ,i can discuss with more knowledge--the educational side4 ,this is the most remarkable instance of their zeal1 and also of their success4 ,the mere building of the schools1 merely in the two ,palatine counties1 represents a very large expenditure2 though1 no doubt1 a good deal of this was added to the debt1 there remained the overwhelming difficulty of the annual upkeep4 ,it was in their favour that the salaries of ,r4,c4 school teachers were low1 and that the excuse of poverty was often accepted for a scanty supply of school apparatus4 ,against this must be set the arduous task of getting school-pence from a poverty-stricken flock--78school-pence1 indeed1 an' me wid nothin' to eat in the house1 and the childer wid niver a boot to the sole of their feet3 ,howly ,mother607--and subscriptions from exhausted subscribers4 ,there is1 ,i believe1 in some domain of chemistry an 8exhausted receiver03 it has no counterpart in the charitable world4 ,the ,free ,education ,act of #ahiacc was a positive boon to them3 it gave them a certain #ajs4 per child per year1 instead of a problematic #es4 or #gs4 #f;d4 ,but the ,act of #aijb seems to have brought them the sort of riches which ,horace called 8operosiores40 ,i think the matter has been mentioned in the newspapers4 ,many of the girls' and infants' schools were taught by ,nuns1 and ,i have usually supposed that some co-operative arrangement was made in such cases with the convents1 by which chaplain's duty at the convent was set off 7in part7 against the sisters' salaries4 ,there are many ,orders in the ,north-,west1 and their names1 whether polysyllabic1 or foreign1 or both1 are often a sore trial to the poor ,irish4 ,outside ,liverpool there may be some one that has not heard the story of the afflicted ,irishman who gratefully acknowledged the kindness of 8the ,frightful ,companions 7,faithful ,companions72 they was very good to me2 and the ,little ,sisters of ,misery 7,misericorde71 they was very good1 but the best of all was the ,bone ,suckers 7,bon ,secours740 ,of these three the first named is the only teaching order3 but there are many others1 of whom the best known are the ,sisters of ,notre ,dame1 in ,liverpool4 ,and if any one wants to know what can be done for education1 primary1 secondary1 tertiary for aught ,i know1 he should go to ,mount ,pleasant in that city1 and look around him4 ,as teachers nuns have many advantages4 ,they are wholly devoted to their work2 not to their pay1 for they never see a farthing of it3 it goes to ,domus4 ,they regard their service as their permanent vocation without the distraction of possible courtships3 in their ways with girls they are almost motherly3 and the sisters from the better orders have a singularly refining influence on the children4 ,there are also certain disadvantages4 ,the good sisters are too unworldly3 they never read a newspaper2 ,i suppose they read few books3 their chances of improvement are limited1 and their tendency is narrowing4 ,in the case of the less successful ones it is rather dispiriting for a school manager1 or an inspector1 to think that1 as the happy dispatch of marriage is impossible1 they must wait for the slower process of age to remove them from the list4 ,also they have too often a profound contempt for rules and codes4 ,i think this is due to their ,irish ancestry1 which naturally disposes them to be 8agin the ,government40 ,and they are by no means subservient to their priestly managers3 at their back in case of dispute is reverend mother1 and only the boldest priest would go to war with so excellent and so powerful a person4 ,when the ,orangemen have persuaded ,parliament to pass an ,act for the inspection of convents ,i shall not apply for the post of ,inspector4 ,not that ,i have any fear of a hostile reception4 ,on the contrary3 it is because ,i fear that1 inasmuch as ,i may be by that time somewhat advanced in years1 my constitution would not be able to stand a life of profuse hospitality4 ,there was one convent1 but ,i hope reverend mother will never see this page1 where ,i found the ,lord ,mayoral collations after the annual inspection so perilous that ,i had to resort to the most discreditable manuvres to escape4 8,bolton ,abbey in the olden time0 7,landseer7 was their model2 and fish1 flesh1 and fowl made the table groan before me1 and made me groan after the table4 ,cruel only to be kind1 and inversely4 ,a clerical friend of mine1 holding strong ,evangelical views1 and being annoyed1 ,i suppose1 by his school report1 took some pains to undermine my character by spreading a rumour that ,i had played whist at a certain convent with the mother superior1 the second in command1 and the chaplain4 ,i should have been very glad to do so1 and ,i can quite imagine reverend mother playing a very good game1 and coming out with small cards from her long suit when all our trumps were gone4 ,but in sober truth ,i was not asked4 ,my dear friend1 ,father ,rigidus1 was much shocked when ,i told him of the rumour4 ,it appeared that cards are forbidden to holy women4 ,but surely this would not exclude ,patience8 ,it is another instance of the tyranny of man1 that he1 the man-priest1 persuades holy women to regard cards as permissible to him1 but wicked for them4 ,i admit that they are forbidden to the clergy by the canons of the ,church of ,england1 but ,i believe ,rome is more lenient4 ,and ,i have known several ,anglican transgressors4 ,in this connection a friend tells a story of the great ,henry of ,exeter1 ,bishop ,phillpotts4 ,he was in residence as ,golden ,canon of ,durham1 and in that ancient city was playing an unhallowed rubber4 ,close by his side was a stray parson1 who was telling with some glee how he had buried a ,dissenter1 or married a divorcee1 or what not4 ,phillpotts turned savagely round on him3 8,sir1 are you aware that your proceeding was directly contrary to the canons of the ,church80 ,the parson was entirely unabashed3 8,so it is contrary to the canons10 he retorted1 8for you to sit there playing whist with the ace of trumps in your hand40 ,but ,i am straying from the point1 if there ever was one4 ,there is1 finally1 a branch of priestly employment upon which ,i am peculiarly well qualified to speak3 this is the hospitality department3 and herein they excel all denominations4 ,their traditions are partly ,irish1 partly collegiate1 or monastic2 a good stock on both sides1 if it's dining you want4 ,there were still remaining in my earlier inspecting days a few country rectories where1 before the fall in the value of tithe and glebe1 ,h4,m4,i4 was royally received1 and the neighbouring gentry assembled to do him honour4 ,as a rule these dinners were magnificent1 but not festive4 ,a modest man 7like the present chronicler7 soon gets weary of being stared at and listened to4 ,moreover1 the tedium was prolonged beyond the grave of dessert1 for there was the drawing-room1 and it was always possible that some one would sing4 ,far different were the ,r4,c4 nights4 ,clear in the memory is the recollection of that ,chester south window looking over the ,vale ,royal1 and the fresh green of the ,april meadows2 the cheerful room where the ,provost1 newly recovered from the horrors of ,lent1 made all things smooth2 and the well-beloved ,canon paced restlessly up and down his quarter-deck1 smoking his unfailing cigarette1 and bringing out of his treasures things new and old4 ,and never to be forgotten are those wild ,february nights in the ,city of the ,future1 when ,monsignore dispensed carnival hospitality1 ending in the long1 well-stocked library1 where we discoursed de iis quae melius sine ulla solennitate tradi possunt--the phrase is academical--till near the midnight hour4 ,well remembered1 too1 are the other ,presbyteries in that hospitable town1 and the genial welcome that began with the smiling parlour-maid at the door--who 8remimbered the ould man1 when ,i was in ,standard ,,iv4 meself1 and he pulled me hur1 and called me ,biddy0--and ended much later at night4 ,to many other places--,manchester and ,salford alone had more than thirty ,r4,c4 schools--my duty took me2 and in all the welcome was the same4 ,to their credit1 moreover1 be it said1 the priests are singularly free from that professional1 unreal manner affected by some clergymen1 and by nearly all ,dissenting ministers4 ,a good bed-side manner is esteemed in doctors1 but a good grave-side manner is abominable in any one but an undertaker4 8,where is that barty now80 ,few indeed of my old hosts survive3 8,and ,i the last go forth companionless1 ,and the days darken round me1 and the years1 ,among new men1 strange faces1 other minds40 ,it must not be supposed that the company on these occasions was exclusively clerical4 ,poor was the mission that could not produce a festive layman1 or two1 to give variety to the conversation2 and also1 if by any remote chance some one demanded a rubber1 to prevent the possibility of being counted out in consequence of an epidemic of sick-calls4 ,it was not in what ,disraeli absurdly called 8the ,city of the ,future10 but in ,utopia1 that ,i was guest at one 8inspection dinner10 that may seem to deserve a record4 ,it was at ,st4 ,michael's ,r4,c41 and ,i had inspected the schools that day4 ,who was there8 ,there was ,canon ,a41 my host2 ,father ,b41 an ,oxford man1 formerly in ,deacon's ,orders in the ,church of ,england1 afterwards a 'vert2 ,mr4 ,c41 treasurer of the schools1 a man of good ,lancashire ,roman ,catholic family1 belonging rather to the ,newman cult than to the ,manningites2 for the rest1 interested in cotton1 or silk1 or wheat3 ,father ,o',dowd1 who had been trained at the ,english college in ,rome1 and had lived for some years in foreign parts2 ,father ,o',flynn1 who had come over from ,county ,cork to see his old schoolfellow the ,canon2 they had been boys together at ,ushaw1 or ,stonyhurst1 or somewhere1 and had kept up their old friendship in spite of distance4 ,lastly1 there was ,dr4 ,walsh1 a keen-witted man of the world1 who had a good ,r4,c4 practice in the town1 and was much esteemed by my host1 though he was suspected of some laxity in his views and in the observance of his duties4 ,we dined well1 of course2 but1 while the maids were hovering about1 the conversation was limited to local topics1 neutral politics1 and--for ,o',dowd's sake--recollections of foreign towns4 ,we could not even allude to the schools1 much to my relief1 for the maids' sisters1 cousins1 and aunts were at ,st4 ,michael's1 as teachers1 or scholars4 ,but when dessert brought freedom1 we expanded1 and ,father ,o',flynn with his pleasant ,irish good-fellowship said to me across the table--he and ,i sat left and right of our host3 8,i hope ye've been pleased with the ,canon's schools this morning1 ,mr4 ,inspector80 ,i laughed1 accepting this as a gambit1 not a question2 and replied that ,i was always pleased with ,st4 ,michael's4 8,well1 ye know10 he continued1 8ye can't make a silk purse out of unsuitable materials3 but they're a highly intelligent lot of boys that they turn out3 ,i met one of them on my way up from the station1 and he got 'lave to carry me bhag1' because his brogue won my heart4 ,he said he went to ,st4 ,michael's when he was a kid1 but now he'd #8gotten a surficate'2 what did he mean by that1 now8 ,got a certificate of exemption1 and he passed an examination for it8 ,well1 well1 it's easy ye are1 ,i can see1 and there's hopes for the ,canon yet4 ,so ,i just asked him how many yards there were to a foot and he said #8twelve'2 and ,i put it to him whether that wasn't too liberal an allowance8 ,oh1 he was much hurt3 #8anny ways1' he said1 #8that was the way they larned me at ,st4 ,michael's avverdepoyse4'0 ,our host shook with laughter3 the boy was ,jimmy ,nolan1 and he was 8not all there40 ,there had been a fight at a wake in the house when ,jimmy was a baby1 and ,jimmy had a nasty fall on the floor1 and something had gone wrong4 8,ah1 well10 ,o',flynn went on1 8the boys have a better time of it than you and ,i had1 ,william4 ,do you remember the ,provost8 ,he had the heavy hand4 ,do you remember how1 when he had given us a dozen a-piece1 he would send us into chapel to pray for him8 ,what do ye think of that1 now1 ,mr4 ,kynnersley80 ,i replied with official caution that it seemed to show a certain lack of humour on the ,provost's part2 or else a strong disbelief in the efficacy of prayer4 ,if ,i had been in the ,provost's place ,i should not have given two sore boys carte blanche to besiege ,providence4 ,he might have found himself an inverted ,balak4 ,and ,i recalled the reply of ,archbishop ,sumner1 when ,bishop ,phillpotts 7already quoted a few pages ago7 at the end of a heated argument said it only remained for him to return to ,exeter and pray for ,his ,grace4 8,no10 said the ,archbishop1 turning pale1 8don't do anything uncharitable40 8,that was neatly put for an ,englishman10 said ,o',flynn4 8,i like a clean give and take1 all in good manners4 ,did ye ever hear of ,cardinal ,z4's rebuff at his installation8 ,there is a custom1 you may have heard1 that when a ,cardinal ,bishop is appointed he takes his title from a particular church in ,rome4 ,cardinal ,newman1 for instance1 was this way associated with the church of ,st4 ,giorgio in ,velabro1 down by the ,arch of ,janus1 is it not1 ,father ,o',dowd8 ,and the story goes that ,z41 who had at one time aspired to be the head of a certain church in the ,immortal ,city1 which we may call ,st4 ,apollinaris1 and had at that time been unsuccessful1 eventually received the purple1 and took his title from that same church4 ,in due course he attended the church in full pomp to be installed2 and it gave him the keenest delight to see at the head of the local clergy the man who had led the opposition against him4 ,as he descended from his state carriage1 he bowed formally to his enemy1 and said as if it were part of the ceremony3 8#8,lapidem quem reprobaverunt aedificantes1 hic factus est in caput anguli4'#cd 8,the other bowed almost to the ground1 and responded3 8#8,a ,domino factum est istud1 et est mirabile in oculis nostris4'#ce 8,i doubt if history can produce a better thrust and parry40 8,in the upper circles of ,rome10 said ,father ,b41 who seemed to be1 like ,mr4 ,c41 an admirer of ,newman1 8they cultivate these amenities4 ,the inspector may not know ,monsignor ,talbot's remark to ,cardinal ,howard4 ,you remember that ,cardinal ,manning's life is full of allusions to those two great men2 and you will not have forgotten how ,manning relied on ,talbot's help1 and how1 when ,talbot broke down in mind and body1 ,manning neglected him4#cf ,at one time both ,howard and ,talbot were in great favour at the ,vatican2 but while ,talbot was well aware that he owed his position simply to the fact that he was a ,talbot1 the ,cardinal was secretly certain that1 besides his personal appearance 7which at one time added lustre to the ,life ,guards7 and his connection with #8the blood of all the ,howards1' there was intrinsic merit4 ,it was therefore the delight of ,talbot to poke fun at his fellow countryman1 and the ,inner ,circle greatly enjoyed these scenes4 ,at last the climax was reached4 ,the ,pope sent for both grandees1 and informed them that he had determined to send them on a special mission to ,goa1 in ,s4,w4 ,india4 ,full particulars were promised3 meanwhile he proffered his blessing4 8,the two returned to their gorgeous carriage1 and when it moved on1 ,howard lay back in his corner1 meditating triumphantly that his time had come3 obvious merit had at last been recognised1 and the ,catholic world would admit it4 ,goa was only a starting-point2 and then--4 ,beneath the dome of ,st4 ,peter's a dense crowd of the faithful cheering1 a blare of trumpets1 an atmosphere thick with incense1 and a fifteen stone ,pontiff borne on a sedia gestatoria--all these floated before his eyes1 ears1 nose2 why should ,nicholas ,breakspear be the last ,englishman to ascend the ,papal throne8--and then came a chuckle by his side1 and a familiar voice3 8#8,i say1 ,howard1 ,i expect this isn't much of a job1 or they wouldn't have sent you and me4'0 8,there were many stories of ,talbot10 said ,mr4 ,c42 8my uncle knew ,cardinal ,newman well at ,birmingham1 and heard many1 for ,talbot was1 of course1 too nearly allied to ,cardinal ,manning to be a persona grata to the other great ecclesiastic4 ,i remember one story illustrating the simplicity of his character3 8,talbot came over to ,london to preach for a special fund in some church1 and there was a vast congregation to hear #8the intimate and constant attendant' of ,pio ,nono4#cg ,he began by informing them that he had only on the previous day received a letter from the ,holy ,father himself upon the very topic which had brought them together that day4 ,he would read it to them1 and he begged that they would remember that1 the ,pope being the vicegerent of the ,almighty1 they should regard it as a voice from the unseen world4 ,he would now begin3 #8,my dear ,monsignor ,it is very hot here----' ,what followed1 the congregation never could remember1 for they laughed so much that the rest was lost40 ,i think that ,father ,o',flynn did not like these anecdotes4 ,i suspected that he1 the ,canon1 and probably ,o',dowd were ultramontanes1 and that ,walsh was entirely indifferent4 ,certainly at this moment the ,canon rose1 and suggested a move upstairs1 where we should find a fire more suitable for the ,january temperature2 and we went4 ,there was indeed a charming fire and a goodly array of comfortable chairs4 ,i don't know why it is1 but after a good dinner the frail body seems to yearn for external heat3 something to do with the gastric juices1 ,i believe1 but ,i never was good at animal physiology1 though ,i examined in it when required4 ,i settled myself with a sigh of relief in a huge arm-chair1 and ,o',dowd found a seat next me4 ,we cast away the trifling cigarette1 and betook ourselves to the businesslike pipe or cigar4 ,walsh and some others betook themselves at once to whist4 ,we talked about ,paris for some time1 and then moved south4 ,o',dowd remarked that he believed ,i knew ,rome4 ,i told him how much and how little ,i knew of it1 and for a time we talked of churches1 and palaces1 pictures1 and music1 and an abiding calm came over us4 8,i daresay you know10 said he1 probably with some reference in his mind to what we had heard downstairs1 8that you must not believe all you hear in ,rome8 ,they are very great in anecdotes3 #8quid ,romae faciam8 mentiri nescio1' said ,juvenal1 but that was as a critic40 7,never before had ,i heard a priest quote ,juvenal67 8,do you know the ,ges church at the foot of the ,capitol1 a terribly gusty place80 ,i knew that tawdry edifice1 and ,i told him so1 omitting the adjective4 8,and the story of the ,devil and the ,north ,wind8 ,no8 ,it is a typical ,roman legend4 ,the ,devil and the ,north ,wind one autumn evening were coming down from the ,capitol1 and they stopped outside the ,ges4 ,said ,satan1 #8,just stop here a moment1 while ,i go inside and say a prayer3' and he went in1 and the ,north ,wind has ever since been waiting outside for him to come out40 ,now ,i saw how ,livy came to write his history4 ,he was 8nursed upon the selfsame0 seven hills1 and he would have liked that legend4 ,insensibly1 in the comfort of the arm-chair and the fire1 ,i began to translate the story into 8,latin in the style of ,livy10 that would have gladdened the heart of the ,rev4 ,e4 ,c4 ,w41 sometime ,fellow and ,tutor of ,balliol3 8,eodem anno jam autumnale equinoctium instabat et complura prodigia referebantur ta 444 ta 4440 when ,o',flynn woke me up with a start3 8,they were telling me in the boat10 he said1 8about ,father ,hennessy and the ,orangeman3 have ye heard it8 ,hennessy was travelling to ,dublin1 and was saying his ,office as he was in the carriage2 and opposite him was a man from ,county ,down4 ,soon after they left the station1 the ,orangeman leant across to ,father ,hennessy1 in the middle of his ,office1 ye understand1 and says1 #8,i wouldn't go to ,purgatory1' says he4 8#8,beatum ,michaelem ,archangelum1 beatum ,joannem ,baptistam1 sanctos ,apostolos1' mutters ,hennessy1 looking over the other's head1 as if he didn't exist anny way4 8,this took the ,orangeman back a bit1 but soon he perks up and slides a bit nearer3 #8,i wouldn't go to ,purgatory1' he says again1 and ,hennessy goes on3 #8,sicut erat in principio1 et nunc1 et semper1' he says1 and never heeds him4 8,after a while the ,down man gets quite mad1 and he moves forward close up to the priest1 and looks him straight in the face1 and says very loud and distinct3 8#8,i wouldn't go to ,pur--ga--to--ry6' he shouts4 8#8,well1 go to ,hell1 then1 ne nos 'nducas in t'ntationem1 sed lib'ra nos s'malo1' said the old man1 all in a breath1 and the ,prodesan closed up40 ,i wish ,i could get ,o',flynn to tell the story to a phonograph3 but even then you would miss the gratia vivax of the narrator4 ,dr4 ,walsh had finished his rubber1 and had cut out4 ,he joined the fireside group in time to hear the end of the last story2 now he was stirred to emulation4 8,i heard you while ,i was at the whist table1 ,father ,o',flynn1 talking of the old ,french nobility2 some of them are good friends of the ,church1 but they get taken in at times4 ,when ,i was a student in ,paris1 ,i was told of one1 who had married the ,marquis de la ,chose1 a worthless fellow of as good blood as herself2 but she was rich1 and he hadn't a sou4 ,he wanted money after a bit for one thing and another1 but she was very anxious to reform him1 and she dealt it out with more care than he quite liked4 ,so at last he comes to her with a great story of the fund they were raising for the ,holy ,father4 #8,peter's ,pence' was the cry1 and she ought to subscribe4 ,she was as pleased as ,punch to find him set on good works1 and she forks out the money freely1 and he brings her receipts1 and all sorts of stories about the growth of the fund--les deniers de ,saint ,pierre--and she gives more and more4 ,but one day two of his old friends saw him driving in the ,bois with a lady with golden hair1 and she was not the ,marquise4 8#8,tiens1' says one1 #8but regard the locks of gold4' 8#8,justement1' says the other2 #8vous avez raison3 ce sont les deniers de ,saint ,pierre4'0 ,with such-like faithful chronicles they beguiled the time1 and ,i listened and laughed4 ,but ,i had to get back to my hotel1 and ,i craved leave to depart4 ,dr4 ,walsh offered to accompany me--8,just to be at hand if any of the ,st4 ,michael's teachers or children happened to throw half a brick at the ,inspector0--and we went off together4 ,there were no half bricks1 and the murmured remark of one half-dressed lad to a half-naked comrade1 8,thur goes the ---- ould mon10 was purely affectionate recognition4 8,i didn't feel sure10 said ,walsh in a few moments1 8that it would be safe to tell them inside there another ,parisian story1 but you may like to hear it3 8,it was about a certain ,pre ,h41 who was visiting one of his flock1 a lady of the old nobility who had lately lost her husband4 ,she was plunged in grief1 and ,pre ,h4 was suggesting1 in the most delicate manner in the world 7like ,mr4 ,chucks71 that she ought to have masses said for the repose of the ,count's soul2 because1 between you and me1 he hadn't set the best example to the ,republicans4 ,but she cried1 and declined2 and the more he pressed it the more obstinate she was4 ,at last she recovered herself sufficiently to explain that the money would be thrown away3 the late lamented was gone l bas4 ,the priest explained that if her husband was in ,purgatory1 as might conceivably be the case1 masses would be profitable4 ,but she wept more3 he had died in mortal sin1 and he was not in ,purgatory at all1 but plus bas4 ,father ,h41 finding argument and entreaty thrown away upon her1 went home4 ,but two days later he returned to the charge3 #8,madame la ,comtesse1' he said1 after the usual introductory remarks1 #8,i have consulted our ,superior1 and ,i have consulted our books1 and ,i find that in such a case une messe ne fait aucun mal3 a ,rafrachit4'0 ,i woke up the echoes of the ,irish quarter with my laughter1 and ,walsh's heart warmed to me1 for laughter is meat and drink to a story-teller1 and he became confidential3 8,good sort1 are they not80 he said1 referring to our hosts2 and he told me of their good works1 and their self-denial1 as we walked through the dismal streets4 ,before he had finished his panegyric we came to the cross roads1 where ,i had to turn off4 ,he stopped and sighed3 8,it's a queer thing at the same time2 there's no one quite perfect3 ye'd think that the ,canon went as near being an uncanonized saint as anybody3 but he habitually leads from a single card1 and ,i lost two-and-six by him this evening4 ,good-night3 pleased to have met you40 ,and we parted1 and as ,i breasted the hill before me1 like ,christian in 8,pilgrim's ,progress10 ,i sang sadly3 8,how many a spot defiles the robe ,that wraps an earthly saint40 ,,footnotes3 #cc ,before the ,act of #ahia children paid 8school-pence10 from #a;d4 to #i;d4 a week4 ,the ,act provided for a ,treasury grant of #ajs4 per head for each child1 say #c;d4 a week1 on condition that the school fees were reduced by that amount4 ,thus children paying not more than #c;d4 a week were relieved of all charge1 and the managers were assured of a moderate income4 #cd 8,the stone which the builders rejected1 the same is become the head of the corner40 #ce 8,this is the ,lord's doing1 and it is marvellous in our eyes40 #cf ,see ,manning's ,life1 vol4 ii1 pp4 #fie-f notes 7first edition74 #cg ,see ,manning's ,life1 vol4 ii1 p4 #egd4 ,,chapter ,,xxii ,,errata 8,in whom the dear ,errata column ,is the best page in all the volume40 ,t4 ,moore4 ,apologia3 ,i am doubtful whether this record of human error should be published here4 ,out of every possible hundred readers must be deducted 7#a7 teachers and examiners who are satiated with errata and have ceased to be amused2 7#b7 those who1 like the benevolent critic of the 8,rejected ,addresses10 think some of the answers very good1 and do not see why they should be rejected2 7#c7 those who require a surgical operation before they can be made to see any humour in error4 ,yet there is a remnant1 and for the remnant's sake let the chapter stand4 ,the rest may skip4 8,you must get very amusing answers from the children in school1 do you not80 ,this was a favourite opening at lunch or dinner1 when my neighbour had found out my profession4 ,i have usually replied that if ,i asked a silly question1 ,i was likely to get a silly answer3 if ,i asked a sensible question1 and put it in plain ,english1 understanded of the people1 the chances of amusement were few4 ,by long experience one gets to know the way in which children reason1 and any neglect of caution might lead to dreadful results4 ,for instance1 there was my old friend1 the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,playne4 ,he was inspecting a school that ,i knew well1 and was led by some word in the reading lesson to enquire about professions4 8,what am ,i80 he asked4 8,a mon40 8,yes1 a man2 but the ,vicar is a man1 and the ,master is a man3 what sort of man am ,i80 8,a very hugly one10 was the answer1 and the line of examination was changed4 ,one should not lay oneself open to crushing rejoinders4 ,i too have been crushed1 and ,i rashly told the piteous tale to a lady at dinner1 thinking to meet with sympathy4 ,she contributed as much of the story as she could remember to a newspaper2 whence it was pirated by a compiler of 8,railway ,jests10 and the mutilated fragment was shown to me by a teacher after some years4 ,i also was hearing a class read1 and we came to the word 8,pilgrim40 ,what1 ,i asked1 was a pilgrim8 ,a4 8,a man that goos about from place to place40 ,q4 8,but ,i go about from place to place3 am ,i a pilgrim80 ,a4 8,no3 'ee's a good mon40 ,and the ,vicar remarked sotto voce1 8,that's one for you40 ,also one is very likely to get strange answers if the question soars above the children's comprehension4 ,in another school the children were reading from their own school-books a great speech by ,john ,bright1 in which occurred the mystic words1 8,urim and ,thummim40 ,i asked the meaning1 and the ,rector1 an eminent scholar and divine1 whispered that he didn't know3 to which ,i replied with the same secrecy1 that ,i didn't know1 but that as the words came in the school-book1 the children were bound to have a theory4 ,they supplied two3 7#a7 8,when a man hev a lot of property left un30 7#b7 8,when the postman come to the door40 ,the interpretation would have baffled ,daniel1 but the ,rector suggested that 8thumping0 was the clue3 thumping legacy1 thumping at the door4 ,it was a similar sudden strain that produced from a ,norfolk child the definition of a philosopher3 8a little thing with two wheels what you ride about on40 ,velocipedes were more common than philosophers in those days4 ,but the safest path to comedy was to ask a thoroughly silly question1 and to get answered according to one's folly4 ,it was1 ,i remember1 in what ,i may call the 8,urim and ,thummim0 school1 that while ,i was examining the children1 the ,rector was revising a heap of divinity examination papers from the training colleges4 ,i heard a sudden guffaw1 and begged that ,i might have the joke1 while it was still warm4 ,the question was1 8,what do we know of the antecedents of the man at the ,pool of ,bethesda80 ,and the appropriate answer was1 8,it is clear that his antecedents either were dead1 or had grossly neglected him40 ,fool meets fool4 ,but this rash style of question is more common in oral examinations1 and as one learns wisdom1 comedy decreases4 ,twice a year1 however1 our work changed1 and a great mass of examination papers poured in from the training colleges and other centres4 ,the various subjects were allotted1 as a rule1 according to our previously declared wishes1 and ,i took ,geography1 or ,history1 with an occasional lapse into ,english ,grammar and ,literature4 ,year after year ,i used to jot down on an old atlas1 or on the blank pages of a cheap history manual1 as the case might be1 the best jokes of the batch1 and the accumulated treasures lie before me4 ,for the information of the outside world it must be premised1 that most of the candidates prepared for the examination in ,geography and ,history by learning by heart wretched text-books put into their hands by their head-teachers4 ,when the examination paper was laid before them1 they at once wrote down such paragraphs or pages as seemed to meet the emergency4 8,but though they wrote them all by rote1 ,they could not write them right10 as the admirable ,cambridge bard sang4 ,moreover1 having from long experience unbounded confidence in the leniency of ,h4,m4,i41 they had no doubt that 8their acts would receive the most favourable construction02 and if they could not remember the right page1 they offered another very nice article1 much superior to the one asked for2 as if it were a patent pill2 and they expected equal treatment for the changeling4 ,an account of ,richard ,,ii4 might be out of stock1 or at least they could not lay their hands on it3 but surely an examiner would give some marks for a biography of ,richard ,,iii41 with special reference to the murder of the little ,princes4 ,a map of ,africa 7our own brand7 was surely as good as the demanded map of ,s4 ,america3 and if the man who asked for a list of the exports of ,british ,india were not satisfied with a highly imaginative list of the imports1 at least he would not take off any marks from the other questions4 ,this is the only explanation of the two following answers4#ch ,it will be seen that the former excels in ignorance1 the latter in irrelevance3 7#a7 ,q4 ,give a short account of the way in which ,great ,britain became the chief power in ,n4 ,america from #afjg to #agfc4 ,a4 ,queen ,elizabeth was reigning in the year #afjg4 ,she ruled for a long time1 and was a very prosperous queen4 ,leicester was her favourite for a long time1 she was a very changable women1 and no one remained in her favour for a very long time4 ,it was in her reign that the war started in ,n4 ,america4 ,after ,q4 ,elizabeth came her sister ,queen ,anne and ,william ,prince of ,orange4 ,anne reigned with ,william six years4 ,after her death ,william reigned for #g years4 ,he called his parliament and got together a lot of money with which he again renewed the war in ,n4 ,america in which he was very successful4 ,george ,,iii4 was the next to reign being the grandson of ,q4 ,elizabeth4 ,he continued the war that ,elizabeth had begun and kept the war on till he had conquered the whole of ,n4 ,america4 7#b7 ,q4 ,what possessions in ,europe have ,english sovereigns held8 ,how have such possessions influenced ,english ,history8 ,a4 ,india is a possession that makes a great deal of difference or will do to ,english ,history4 ,the late ,q4 ,victoria was made ,empress of ,india4 ,it is a very large country and not a very healthy one4 ,the natives do not produce enough food in their own country and very often they have a famine there4 ,about #c years ago they had a famine there and the ,english people sent out a lot of food for them4 7,note3 ,she has written seventy-seven words without approaching ,europe47 ,other strange customs and beliefs were noted annually4 ,it was not thought correct in geography1 or in history1 to mention ,india without referring to the ,black ,hole of ,calcutta3 and indeed this popular incident might be introduced anywhere on an emergency4 ,here are some instances3 7#a7 ,by the treaty of ,utrecht the ,english gained a good many battles4 ,they gained the entry through the ,mediterranean sea1 and also opened trade to the ,americans4 ,these battles were mostly all won by ,bute viz4 ,the battles of ,vicissico1 ,maschuerits1 ,passaro and ,vico ,vosa4 ,the former being assisted by ,marlborough who was one of the chief persuaders of ,queen ,anne #agjb4 ,bute though he tried his utmost to make things successful he was hung by the vengence of the people4 ,the previous wars led to the ,indian ,mutiny where a great many of our soldiers were ill-treated 7known as the ,blackhole affair at ,calcutta74 ,this affair proving successful now was very sad at first4 7#b7 ,the ,crimean war took place in #agjd4 ,in this war there were thousands of them killed but the victory rested with the ,english4 ,the people were put into prison or the ,black ,hole as it was called and then they were left to die4 ,the heat of the day was so great and there was no place to let air in1 therefore they became romantic with thirst and died in the morning only #bg remained alive4 7#c7 ,q4 ,what is the ,mutiny ,act8 ,a4 ,the ,mutiny ,act was an ,act passed by the ,government in #aheg to put an end to the atrocious crimes that were being carried on in ,india4 ,it was during this year that #ahf persons were confined in the ,black ,hole of ,calcutta4 ,this method of learning history not only blends wars1 disasters1 and centuries3 it compounds and confounds men4 ,wellington and ,nelson unite to make one heroic figure1 and at times borrow traits from others3 7#a7 ,the ,duke of ,wellington most of the ,irishmen claim him as one of their nationality1 he was able to lead the whole of the ,british army into ,hyde ,park1 and lead them out of it again1 he won many battles by sea and in the last and greatest of these the ,great ,duke fell1 some of his officers wishing him not to dress in his uniform on this occasion his last words were ,thank ,god ,i have done my duty4 ,he was carried by his men from the post of duty in their arms to the cabin below4 7#b7 ,when quite young ,wellington entered the king's kitchen but after a while he showed signs of wanting to join the regiment the king therefore ordered him to the regulars where he was not very long before he showed great skill in all military work4 ,he served on the sea and was afterwards sent to ,france where he gained the famous victory at ,waterloo4 ,he was also present in the ,crimean war and was once sent to ,india to dispel some rioters in the ,indian ,mutiny2 c41 c4 ,here ,nelson escapes from the ,duke and blends with ,wolfe3 7#c7 ,while 7,nelson7 was suffering from the wound some of the ,british soldiers exclaimed they run they run at which ,nelson cried ,who run and when told he gave his last orders to ,hardy3 c4 c4 ,and here the ,duke escapes from ,nelson and becomes ,elizabethan3 7#d7 ,q4 ,state what you know about the ,spanish ,armada4 ,a4 ,the war of the ,spanish ,armada was fought on the sea1 at which the ,english had a great many great and important ships of war and most important naval commanders such as the ,duke of ,wellington4 ,the war was with the ,french with whom the ,english ,spanish and ,portuguese went to fight against4 ,the ,duke of ,wellington was afterwards made a great general4 ,god gave wisdom to our general and success to a good cause4 ,the ,portuguese afterwards sent him his portrait and underneath it was written ,invincable ,wellington from grateful ,portugal4 ,but the ,duke being asked for a copy of the print by a friend before he sent it scored out the word invincable and underneath it wrote ,dont halloo till you are out of the wood which showed the ,duke's good sense4 ,it is difficult to remember at the end of this long story that the original theme was the ,armada4 ,in the next example ,wellington seems to be confused with ,bacon1 as well as with ,nelson3 ,duke of ,wellington was a great ,english general4 ,he was the commander of the ,english fleet during the ,peninsular war1 and won the following battles ,assaye c41 and greatest of all the ,battle of ,waterloo4 ,he was however charged with bribery after serving in ,parliament a few years he retired to his country residence where he died4 ,no one suffered so much from this blending method as the strange trio1 ,sir ,thomas ,more1 ,sir ,john ,moore1 and ,thomas ,moore1 the poet4 ,here all three appear3 ,q4 ,who was ,sir ,thomas ,more8 ,a4 ,sir ,thomas ,moore was noted as a poet1 a statesman and a soldier4 ,he was killed at the battle of ,corunna4 ,here two of the party are curiously mixed up with ,henry de ,bohun3 ,sir ,thomas ,more was a general in the ,english army4 he was killed in the battle of ,bannockburn and buried in the dead of night4 ,this needs no comment3 ,the battle of ,trafalgar commenced in the year #agje1 when two celebrated persons met with their death namely ,sir ,john ,moore and ,john ,jervis4 ,sir ,john ,moore was a poet and the author of many celebrated pieces of poetry4 ,john ,hampden1 the ,hampton ,court ,conference1 the ,five ,members1 and the ,seven ,bishops are a strangely assorted group3 7#a7 ,hampton ,court ,conference4 ,this conference took place in ,charles ,,ii's reign3 he wanted to compel the bishops and clergy to believe in several articles he had drawn up4 ,if they did not agree before the feast which took place in a few days they were to be expelled from their livings4 ,the night before the feast seven bishops headed by ,john ,hampton presented themselves before ,charles with a millenary roll with several thousand names on begging them to be excused from his unjust demands4 7,note3 ,i think 8the feast0 was not a banquet1 but the ,feast of ,st4 ,bartholomew3 so that ,charles ,,ii41 ,james ,i4 and ,james ,,ii4 are implicated47 7#b7 ,hampton ,court ,conference was passed in the year #aghc4 ,it was in the reign of ,charles4 ,this was drawn up by #f bishops and brought to the ,king to be signed4 ,when the ,king saw this he flew into a terrible rage and would not sign it4 ,this was awked about the streets1 and all the people were anxious to buy one4 7#c7 ,blake is known in history as being one of the seven ,bishops who lived in the reign of ,james ,,ii4 ,these seven ,bishops among whom was ,blake had offended their king4 ,when brought to trial he ,blake was not present1 they had altogether hidden themselves1 but however they did appear4 ,the day was in their favour and they were happily dismissed4 7,note3 ,some confusion between the ,seven ,bishops1 and the ,five ,members2 ,bishop ,lake of ,chichester1 and ,admiral ,blake47 ,it is evident that the acquaintance which such candidates had with ,english history was limited3 but one would think it safe to ask pupil-teachers1 aged #ah-bj1 or assistant teachers1 aged #bj-cj1 about the ,young ,pretender4 ,these were the results of rash confidence on the part of an optimist examiner3 ,q4 ,who was the ,young ,pretender8 ,a4 7#a7 ,the son of ,oliver ,cromwell4 7#b7 444 also known as ,william ,pitt4 7#c7 ,the son of ,edward ,,vi the old ,pretender4 ,so called because he pretended to be the little ,earl of ,warwick4 ,some people believed is story but more than half the people disbelieved him4 ,he was tried and executed4 7#d7 ,warren ,hastings was known as the ,old ,pretender4 ,the ,duchess of ,burgundy helped him4 7#e7 444 was ,prince ,charles ,edward who claimed to be one of the little ,princes murdered in the ,tower4 ,he was found to be a deceiver1 and was put into the king's kitchen to work4 7#f7 ,the son of the old ,pretender ,william ,pitt1 who was a claimant to the throne in ,george #c's time4 ,he was one of the greatest statesmen that ever lived4 ,he was created ,earl of ,orford4 7#g7 ,he was quite harmless as may be seen from the way in which he suffered himself to be hid by the maid in ,scotland4 ,again the examiner might suppose that all students of ,english history had some knowledge of the ,jacobite movements of #agae and #agde2 but the following would open his eyes3 7#a7 ,jacobites were originally followers of ,jacob who went about in various parts of the country for preaching purposes4 7#b7 ,jacobite was the name given to the followers of ,jackade4 ,jackade was a person who pretended to be ,duke of ,york4 he marched through ,london at the head of #fjjj men3 he went to ,ireland and tried to deceive them his followers were called ,jacobites and ,jacobin was the name given to his government4 7,the two next may need a note3 they refer to the ,rebecca ,riots in ,wales1 blended with ,jacob1 son of ,rebekah4 ,i think ,rebekah had no daughter47 7#c7 ,they called themselves ,jacobites from a passage in ,scripture about ,jacob which passage they considered applicable to their own case4 ,their object was to do away with the tolls at turn-pike gates and they went to the root of the matter and destroyed the gates themselves4 7#d7 ,the ,jacobites from the word ,jacabus means ,james4 ,the people of this rebellion dressed themselves in a very odd fashion their dress being like ,rebeckah's daughter of old4 ,they were however subdued4 ,a friend brilliantly suggests that ,jonadab1 the son of ,rechab1 and the ,rechabites have been blended with ,jacob1 the ,jacobites1 ,rebekah1 and ,rebecca4 ,i gratefully agree4 ,there were some candidates to whom the politics of ,george ,,iii4's reign were by no means clear3 ,q4 ,what effect had the ,french ,revolution on ,pitt1 ,fox1 and ,burke8 ,a4 7#a7 ,the ,french ,revolution led to such an extraordinary amount of work on ,pitt1 who was then ,prime ,minister that he was overtaxed1 and could not contend against it therefore he resigned and led a life of seclusion4 ,burke who was a great writer overtaxed his mind with writing about the ,revolution that he became partially insane4 ,fox was noted for writing his celebrated ,book of ,martyrs about this time1 he also was forced to lead a life of seclusion on account of worry1 and anxiety of the revolution4 7#b7 ,pitt and ,fox were great rivals in the ,house4 ,burke was in ,france4 ,the ,revolution occurred in #aheg1 and these three men who were clever and had a lot of foresight banded themselves together so that they could be able to quell any signs of a rebellion in ,england4 ,they all saw what a lot of mischief had been done in ,france1 and thought it wise though differing in politics to be on the safe side4 7#c7 ,pitt1 ,burke1 and ,fox were strongly opposed to the ,french ,revolution1 they foretold what would happen but the remainder of ,parliament would heed their warnings4 ,pitt rose from his sick bed and ministered unto them but to no effect4 7,note3 ,the reader will have some difficulty in awarding the prize among the last batch4 ,fox1 the religious writer2 ,pitt1 the ministering angel3 these are two great conceptions47 ,now we come more clearly to another form of idiocy1 the ,happy ,conjecture2 which enables a candidate wholly ignorant of the matter in hand to evolve an answer of considerable length out of some familiar word in the question4 ,here is an illustration4 ,in #afda a ,bill was introduced 8for the utter abolition of ,archbishops1 ,bishops1 ,deans1 c410 and a forcible epigrammatist of that day called it the 8,root and ,branch ,bill40 ,in #aija an inquisitive examiner put in the ,history paper3 8,what was the ,root and ,branch ,bill80 8,root80 said the candidates2 8,branch80 said they3 8it can do no harm 444 here goes30 7#a7 ,it was passed so that no one could cut down the trees or take the wood without the permission of the king4 7#b7 ,a bill dealing with the root of the matter1 and certain branches relating to it4 7#c7 ,it was drawn up ,the ,root to represent the whole of the crown money and the branch part of it the loans and money added to the crown money4 7#d7 ,a ,bill that was made to shield the ,presbyterians from the ,protestant community4 7,note3 ,in ,no4 #d which was the ,root87 ,in the same paper they were asked to explain the term 8,villeins02 and in like manner they said to themselves 8#8villains1' archaic spelling1 pedantic examiner0 and they conjectured2 one as an indignant ,dissenter1 another as a bigoted ,churchman1 a third as an undenominational idiot3 7#a7 ,men who committed dastardly and vile tricks4 ,many of them were becoming clergymen in the reign of ,henry ,,ii it will be remembered until it was decided that they should be tried by the ,king's ,court4 ,this of course stopped their treacherous games4 7#b7 ,the villein was religious rising1 the people in this rising were called ,villeins1 they did not believe in ,baptism1 ,holy ,communion1 and ,confirmation4 7#c7 ,a villein was a person who was ordered to do some cruel deed4 ,he was generally paid very dearly for doing so4 ,a good example of villeins is seen in the case of the murder of the two princes in the ,tower4 ,all these pale before the brilliancy of the reply to the following fearful question3 ,q4 ,how was the ,coalition ,ministry of #aghc formed8 ,name the most prominent ,members4 ,what causes led to its fall8 ,my candidate came from the ,lancashire coalfield1 near the ,bridgwater ,canal4 8,coal-ition10 she said1 and she read her title clear1 with the aid of local knowledge3 ,a4 ,during the year #aghc ,mr4 ,brindle and ,mr4 ---- cut a canal from ,worsley to ,manchester so that the people of ,manchester could have coal much cheaper than they were having4 ,when the time came for opening the canal ,mr4 ,brindle ran away and hid himself4 ,it turned out to be a great success and it has proved to be very useful to ,manchester people till lately4 ,coal is now much cheaper and there are so many coalpits round the district that it is much cheaper getting coal nearer home4 ,here are some miscellaneous blends3 7#a7 7,character of ,henry ,,viii47 ,of a sour and hasty disposition he was not long in wreaking his vengeance upon those who should happen to fall under his displeasure1 e4 g4 ,wolsey1 who incurred ,henry's displeasure by not taking his part in a quarrel the king had with the clergy through a hasty speech of the king1 who in an angry moment exclaimed have ,i no one to rid me of this low-born priest4 ,this caused four ,norman knights who heard the king say this to set off at once to ,canterbury ,cathedral to murder the man ,wolsey on the spot4 7#b7 7,the ,pilgrim ,fathers47 ,a number of men who set out on foot for the ,holy ,land travelling night and day on foot were called the ,pilgrim ,fathers1 because they were thought ,christians if they travelled and denied themselves every comfort4 ,it was the ,pilgrim ,fathers who kept sacred the cutting of the miseltoe from the oak1 the keeping up of ,christmas1 ,good ,friday1 and such like4 7#c7 ,q4 ,what do you know of ,anselm8 ,a4 ,anselm ,archbishop of ,canterbury was imprisoned by ,william ,,ii4 ,he escaped from prison by the aid of a coil of rope sent to him concealed in a bottle of wine4 7,note3 ,in the second of the above three answers the last sentence puzzles me4 ,i am inclined to suggest 8,puritans0 for 8,pilgrim ,fathers10 and 8denounced0 for 8kept sacred40 ,the third answer gave me much trouble1 but patient search showed that ,henry ,,ii4 7not ,william7 imprisoned ,flambard 7not ,anselm1 and no ,bishop7 and that the rope was hidden in a jar 7not a bottle747 7#d7 ,freedom of ,trade may be attributed to ,general ,washington who entered the ,bristol ,channel with a cargo of tea from ,america which was upset by the ,english causing a war with the ,americans4 7#e7 ,q4 ,name three ,prime ,ministers3 describe the policy of one of them4 ,a4 ,edmund ,burke1 ,walter ,scott1 ,bothwell4 ,bothwell was a great writer3 he wrote about bills and cheques4 7,note3 ,bothwell and ,boswell one knows1 though not as ,prime ,ministers3 but it was ,byles who wrote on ,bills1 and it would be strange if the candidate had ever heard of his work47 7#f7 ,q4 ,mention with dates any risings in the times of the ,tudors4 ,a4 ,in the rising of ,jack ,cade he mustered up a large number of rebels who under there desperate leader plundered everything before them1 and finally entered ,london of which they took possession4 ,cade was slain by ,wallworth the ,lord ,mayor1 and the rebels without their leader became so desperate that the king's life was in danger1 but ,henry took off his helmet and exclaimed stay ,i am ,henry of ,winchester1 kill not your king4 7,note3 ,cade is blended with ,wat ,tyler1 who was killed by ,walworth in presence of ,richard ,,ii43 neither ,cade nor ,tyler lived in ,tudor times4 ,henry of ,winchester1 alias ,henry ,,iii41 made his appeal in #abfe1 nearly #bjj years before the first ,tudor king47 ,theology is as perplexing as politics3 here are some instances3 7#a7 ,high ,church are the high minded members of the ,church of ,england4 ,they believe in incense1 the worshipping of the cross1 and many other hideous notions4 7#b7 ,the ,puritans tried to make a great distinction between the ,whigs or ,court party and themselves4 ,they wore sober garments indulged in no vices and avoided the ,society of the ,whigs4 ,only thing really approved of was sermons4 7#c7 ,strafford and ,laud two archbishops in the reign of ,henry #h were impeached for denying the doctrine of transsubstantiation4 7#d7 ,henry ,,viii4 was a very strict ,protestant and wished to confirm all ,europe4 ,he sent out men as missionaries to preach the gospel and to tell the people of the good the wood receive if they believed it4 ,the weariness of wading through a thousand of these examination papers was terrible4 ,we were as gold-diggers washing gravel of a poor quality1 and we hailed the smallest nugget with shouts of delight4 ,some of these are small1 but to our hungry souls the gold seemed good3 7#a7 ,q4 ,what do you know of ,dr4 ,arnold8 ,a4 ,dr4 ,arnold was hung as a spy by ,washington during the ,american war4 7,note3 ,blending ,general ,arnold1 ,dr4 ,arnold1 and ,major ,andr47 7#b7 ,the ,black ,prince died from injuries received by his horse4 7#c7 ,john ,knox introduced the revival of learning1 the steam roller1 and the printing press4 7#d7 ,edward ,,iii4 said he was the dughter of ,arabella4 7,note3 ,meaning to say 8the son of ,isabella10 blended with ,arabella ,stuart47 99 7#e7 ,james ,i4 was a great ,catholic4 ,he was not at all brave4 ,it is said of him that he padded his clothes for fear he would be knocked4 99 7#f7 ,the ,cabinet consists of the ,private ,secretaries1 the ,foreign ,secretaries1 the ,colonial ,secretaries1 and the ,poet ,laureate4 99 7#g7 ,oliver ,cromwell called ,sept4 #ad his lucky day3 he died on ,sept4 #ad1 but he still called it his lucky day4 99 7#h7 ,christianity was introduced into ,england by ,julius ,csar in #ee ,b4,c4 99 7#i7 ,the ,black ,prince got his name from the great disease4 7,qu43 ,meaning the ,black ,death87 99 7#aj7 ,magna ,charter was a very good woman to the poor4 ,her photograph is on the stained glass windows of the ,church of ,scotland4 ,these came from the rich mine of ,history4 ,geography was not so auriferous4 ,to drop the metaphor1 the candidates were less amusing in ,geography1 because they were less ignorant4 ,they had learned ,geography as children1 but as a rule they picked up their notions of ,history from manuals1 compiled by writers of a low grade1 dealing chiefly in anecdotes and picturesque phrases4 ,but there were bright moments even in revision of ,geography4 ,the simple questions1 there as in ,history1 were often the most fruitful4 ,one would think that all pupil teachers1 all book readers1 and newspaper readers had heard of the equinox1 and the ,midnight ,sun4 ,but look at these answers to demands for explanation of the terms4 ,first the ,equinox3 ,an imaginary line drawn across the sky4 ,land lying on or near the equator4 ,the axis on which the earth turns4 ,a wind which blows from ,april to ,september1 they are called ,equinoctial gales4 ,when the sun and moon are on the zenith they are said to be in the equinox4 ,a peculiar animal in ,south ,america4 ,the part where the earth and sun pass one another4 c41 c4 ,then the ,midnight ,sun3 ,the sun is visible at midnight from the top of ,mount ,riga where hotels have been built especially for tourists who go to see the midnight sun4 7,note3 ,this comes of reading ,mark ,twain on the ,rigi sunrise47 ,when the sun shines on the northern part of the earth it takes more than one day to get in the shadow of the earth on account of it moving so slowly4 ,the midnight sun is caused by certain gases igniting in the air4 ,these gases are at rest when apart from each other1 but at their joining they light up the whole parts thus occupied by them1 and thus give light to all the northern parts of ,europe4 ,that is so scientific that a modest examiner hesitates to give it ,o3 and the next is still more imposing3 ,q4 8,the sun never sets on the ,british ,empire40 ,explain this4 ,a4 ,it is quite true4 ,the ,british ,empire being mostly surrounded by ocean is deprived of the sun's rays as the water has the greater attraction for it4 ,it is also responsible for this on account of its position from the equator4 ,and this again throws a new light on things3 ,iron is usually mined in the most populated area which seems providential as much labour is attached to its thorough preparation4 ,it must have been a relative of that candidate1 who first noted the providential arrangement by which large rivers always run through large towns4 ,even verbal eccentricity was found wonderfully refreshing at times3 7#a7 ,the rivers of ,queensland being most of the year 444 mere poodles4 7#b7 ,amsterdam is built on stilts4 7#c7 ,there are immense forests round the shores of the ,baltic and tobogganing is a great trade4 7#d7 ,cologne cathedral built in the ,elizabethan style of architecture4 ,here are some unclassified follies3 7#a7 ,a cyclone is an instrument for telling the distance of travelling4 7,note3 ,the candidate must have been surprised to find a cyclometer in a ,geography paper47 7#b7 ,cyclones are the evaporation of volcanoes4 7#c7 ,the dingo is a bird with a face like a dog4 7#d7 7,trees of ,australia47 ,the cow-tree1 octopus1 and large palms are very plentiful4 7#e7 ,the ,plateau of ,tibet is noted for the ,tibet goat4 ,i cannot say whether the goat took its name from the ,plateau or the plateau from the goat4 7,note3 ,she would feel the same difficulty about the ,skye terrier and the ,cheshire cat4 ,did the cat take its name from the county1 or the county from the cat87 7#f7 ,hong ,kong before it came into possession of ,england consisted of a few shanties and huts3 at the present time it consists of mountains1 valleys1 and rivers4 7#g7 ,rangoon a ,prussian seaport on the ,baltic so called because it is situated on a ,rangoon1 salt water lake4 7,note3 ,take the island of ,rgen1 the port of ,riga in ,russia1 a lagoon from the ,adriatic1 and ,rangoon in ,burmah1 and mix47 ,english ,literature papers seldom came my way4 ,they were very exhausting1 for the candidates wrote essays of appalling dreariness1 and there were few oases4 ,i have a few samples4 ,q4 ,name the authors of the following works3 ,work4 ,author4 ,ans3 ,short ,way with ,dissenters4 ,trolloph4 ,tale of a ,tub4 ,william ,wordsworth4 ,rape of the ,lock4 ,adam ,beade4 ,campaign4 ,mrs4 ,browning4 ,rights of ,man4 ,jessie ,fothergill4 ,the really funny thing about that list is that it is absolutely genuine1 and the work of one candidate4 ,and ,i defy any one to make a better list1 trying to be wrong4 ,this life of ,wordsworth is nearly as good3 ,william ,wordsworth was born in ,hampshire of poor humble but ,god fearing parents4 ,they had a very large family and sometimes hardly knew how to make ends meet4 ,they were educated at any ordinary every day school but ,william had always a taste for poetry and thought he should like to become a poet1 and in order to have their son's wish gratified his parents denied themselves so that he might have books to study and to try to send him to some college4 ,he was a very studious youth and made a very good scholar4 ,he worked very hard at ,oxford to try and repay his parents who had now become old for their self-denial on his behalf4 ,he helped them with his purse4 ,he wrote several very simple1 and interesting poems and they soon became known4 ,in this way he obtained a very nice livehood4 ,he was a very dutiful son1 hard work and painstaking4 ,at school he was liked by his fellow companions for whom he had always a joke ready at hand4 ,some of his poems are now used in our ,elementary schools such as 8,we are seven40 ,he was born in the year #afbf and died in #aghe aged #ei years4 7,note3 ,according to the ,nat4 ,biography he was son of an attorney2 was born in ,cumberland1 educated at the ,grammar ,school at ,hawkeshead1 and at ,st4 ,john's1 ,cambridge4 7#aghj-ahej47 ,but it is agreed that he wrote 8,we are seven40 ,the candidate's subtraction is weak47 ,about #aijb some theorist discovered that our pupil teachers were lamentably weak in knowledge of common things1 and he persuaded the ,board to add a paper on 8,general ,information0 to the already heavy list4 ,i at once applied for the office of reviser1 on the twofold ground that it would be easy to coach up the answers1 and that the wrong answers would be amusing4 ,i soon found that from my point of view the merits of the paper were over-rated2 and as the ,board found the same thing from their point of view1 the paper was dropped4 ,but it provided me with a few gems3 ,the examiner began with some well-known buildings and places3 8,where and what are the following80 ,the ,forth ,bridge4 ,the ,phnix ,park4 ,the ,coliseum4 c41 c4 ,a4 7#a7 ,the ,fourth ,bridge is so called because it is the last of #d bridges4 7#b7 ,the ,forth ,bridge is in ,venice where the suspects were led by the ,counsel of three1 and were never heard of afterwards4 7#c7 ,the ,phnix ,park is in ,ireland3 so called because of the ,phoeneans having been there4 7#d7 ,the ,phnix ,park scene of the assassination of ,mr4 ,phnix4 7#e7 ,the ,phnix ,park is an insurance4 7#f7 ,the ,coliseum of ,rhodes is the form of a great elephant one of the seven wonders of the world4 ,then he asked the candidates1 the great majority of whom were girls1 about dogs1 their appearance1 and their special uses4 ,one girl said that 8the fox terrier runs sideways10 but she did not explain4 ,another described the 8,st4 ,bernard dog renowned for saving snow-hidden wanderers in the ,torrid regions40 ,a third chose 8the scavanger dog1 a very ungamely dog4 ,it belogs to the ,eastern countries all refuse is put out at night and clears it away before morning40 ,lastly1 as far as we are concerned1 he asked the meaning of the following expressions3 8,the ,green-,eyed ,monster10 8the sere and yellow leaf10 8the ,thin ,red ,line10 c41 c4 ,the ,green ,eyed ,monster was defined as 8indigestion03 according to another it 8refers to a whale03 according to a skittish one1 8sometimes the headmaster or headmistress of a school appears to be a green-eyed monster in the eyes of her pupils and also teachers sometimes40 ,the sere and yellow leaf was 8a certain kind of tobacco40 ,the thin red line was 8,the charge at ,baraklava headed by ,sir ,colin ,campbell during the ,indian ,mutiny40 ,it was1 ,i think1 in another paper1 that these quaint views appeared3 ,q4 ,what do you understand by a quorum1 a minute book1 c48 ,a4 ,a quorum is a question asked at a meeting which the chairman is unable to answer4 ,a minute book is a book kept1 with the exact number of minutes allotted to the speakers at a meeting4 ,q4 ,what are the duties of the chairman8 ,a4 ,the chairman performs the doxology4 ,q4 ,what remedy would you suggest for burns8 ,a4 ,stripes of hot vinegar are very affecting4 ,at the end of many days' revision of such-like skimble-skamble stuff an inspector wrote3 8,complaint is sometimes made that the training colleges do not provide sufficient accommodation for all the applicants1 but the plain inference from the perusal of these papers1 having due regard to the spelling1 the grammar1 and the acquaintance with the subject shown by the candidates1 is that a kindergarten class in an idiot asylum would be a more fitting place of learning40 ,it will have been seen that our ,errata are secular4 ,we did not examine in divinity4 ,but twice a year1 at one time1 ,i used to meet ,diocesan inspectors1 who kept large volumes of the most hideous blunders in their own subject4 ,one of these ,i remember for its exceeding ingenuity4 ,the question was1 8,what do you mean by #8a graven image'80 ,and the answer was 8,an idle maid with hands40 ,now it is clear to my mind that this is not to be regarded as bad spelling2 but that the definition had been given orally1 and that the impression produced on the child's mind was that of a naughty girl 8as didn't do no work though she had hands to do it with40 ,and ,i think she had heard her father accuse her mother of 8doin' nothink but set theer like a bloomin' image40 ,then she combined the ideas4 ,to this ,i would add a delightful blend from a pupil teacher examination3 ,when the ,israelites had gone ,god told ,noah to go out into the city and tell all the ,israelites that if ,king ,pharoah did not let the people go he would drown the world4 ,and it came to pass1 when ,god did drown the world1 and all the beasts and every living creature in it4 ,during the flood ,god told ,noah to build an ark and it was to float on top of the water4 ,in it save ,noah and his family and with the two tables of stone3 c41 c4 ,,footnotes3 #ch ,in all cases except those marked with an asterisk1 the answers are copied verbatim et literatim from the originals3 in most cases ,i have the name of the writer1 or of the school1 or centre of examination4 ,the starred answers are supplied by colleagues1 and may be considered authentic4 ,and in all cases the ,spelling1 the ,grammar1 and the ,punctuation are original4 8,for ,heaven's sake1 reader1 take them not for mine40 ,,chapter ,,xxiii ,,reports 8,all my reports go with the modest truth1 ,nor more1 nor clipp'd1 but so40--,king ,lear4 ,the annual inspection of a school ended in a ,report4 ,when the papers had been marked1 and the ,examination ,schedules had been made up1 it was time to search one's note-book1 and to rack the memory for facts1 and therefrom to construct a report to ,their ,lordships1 to be communicated to the managers1 and by them to the teachers4 ,in the earlier days of inspection this was a comparatively simple affair3 the really important matter was the number of children who had passed or failed in the examination4 ,upon this1 unless there was conspicuous weakness1 the greater part of the grant depended1 and it was easy to fill up the forms with commonplace criticisms and suggestions4 ,from #ahgf to the middle of the 'nineties the pressure increased1 until at last reporting became a serious strain on memory1 judgment1 and conscience2 for there was a variable grant for half a dozen subjects1 culminating in a variable grant for the general 8merit0 of the whole school3 and each item required some thought4 ,new code after new code relaxed the strain1 until inspection arrived at the present effete condition1 when the grant is fixed1 and the criticisms of ,h4,m4,i4 are like the bite of a midge2 annoying for the moment1 but transitory in effect4 ,or1 as my old headmaster would have said1 8like the coruscations of the summer lightning1 lambent1 but yet innocuous40 ,from one corner of my old domain comes a mimic blue-book1 containing all the school reports for the past year4 ,here they are collected2 and ,i look at them with some dismay4 ,of course ,i did not write all of them1 but ,i edited all1 and ,i am answerable for all4 ,some are strongly worded1 for1 if one does not shout pretty loud to a deaf man1 one is not heard4 ,yet one does not want one's shouts phonographed4 ,how do the managers and teachers like the reports in print1 scattered broadcast8 ,i search my memory for any parallel publication4 ,the nearest that ,i can discover is a ,cricket ,directory1 which ,i saw perhaps forty years ago3 ,i quote from memory fertilised by imagination3 ,a4 ,b4 is a promising run-getter1 but he too often forgets that a straight bat is a rudimentary necessity3 his fielding is improving3 as a bowler he has not been successful this year3 his average is x4 ,c4 ,d4 bowled x overs for y runs last season1 and took z wickets3 this is his best record so far1 and makes him a valuable acquisition to a county team4 ,as a batsman he has still much to learn3 his average last year was z4 ,these are complimentary compared with some of the school reports that lie on my table4 ,but when ,i read them1 or rather their prototypes1 in that remote period1 ,i was sorry for ,a4 ,b4 and ,c4 ,d4 ,yet the writers were subject to the law of libel1 and ,h4,m4,i41 if not malicious1 is privileged4 8,others abide our question3 thou art free10 the ,law ,courts may say4 ,stern critics sit in ,whitehall and weed out all that seems perilous3 when the sieve has done its duty there is little left for the lawyers4 ,i meditate on the extension of the expression of free opinion4 ,how would it work on ,sundays8 ,the preacher has a pulpit1 and in that inviolable recess has a free tongue for half an hour1 with a merciful leaning towards twenty minutes4 ,the organist is a greater libertine4 ,the architect and builder ill-use us1 and for the most part we suffer silently4 ,would the bench of bishops send me about the country to report on church services1 and to recommend deductions from the incomes of the incompetent8 ,of course one would begin with cathedrals and proceed with more lenient rule to parish churches4 ,probably at least one inspector would be required in each diocese1 and as these officials1 like school inspectors1 would be men of diverse minds1 it would be the most racy ,bluebook of the year that reproduced their varied views4 ,let us make some samples3 ,norchester ,cathedral4 ,visited on ,april #a by ,mr4 ,mendelssohn ,brown4 ,the condition of this cathedral is far from satisfactory4 ,the singing1 which is the main object of interest to the greater part of the congregation1 is even worse than at last year's inspection4 ,of the eight men several should be contemplating acceptance of a retiring pension4 ,the boys are ill-behaved1 and their musical capacity is on a level with their behaviour3 in the ,psalms there was no verse in which they did not make one or more mistakes4 ,the ,services were ill-chosen and incorrectly rendered3 the ,anthem was a pretentious failure4 ,the merely literary part of the service was satisfactory1 but it is not desirable to attach too much importance to these rudiments4 ,remarks3 ,my ,lords will require a more favourable report on the singing as a condition of an unreduced grant4 ,westchester ,cathedral4 ,visited on ,march #g by ,mr4 ,simeon ,jones4 ,it is gratifying to be able to report well of the musical part of the service3 the organ playing was distinctly good1 and the singing often reached a high level of excellence4 ,it should1 however1 be borne in mind that congregational worship is the primary consideration1 and special attention should be paid to this feature in the coming year4 ,the ,canon in ,residence would do well to attend an elocution class at a ,continuation school in the winter season3 it was with the utmost difficulty that the ,lessons were heard1 and even in the #afth chapter of ,romans four mistakes in the ,salutations is #ccc per cent4 above the average for all ,england4 ,the ,dean's sermon was for the most part inaudible3 this is probably not to be regretted from a doctrinal point of view1 but the waste of time is a serious consideration4 ,remarks3 ,special attention should be paid to the ,inspector's warning4 ,sudchester ,cathedral3 ,visited on ,nov4 #aj by ,mr4 ,hodge4 ,the service was very creditably conducted and well attended4 ,it is unfortunate that the collections continue so small4 ,the premises need attention3 the choir is dark1 and the walls need cleaning4 ,it might be advisable to remove the #aeth century stained glass from the ,east window and to substitute clear glass4 ,if the walls were whitewashed 7two coats7 there would be less danger from germs4 ,the health and comfort of the congregation should not be sacrificed to merely sthetic considerations4 ,remarks3 ,i am to request that the ,dean and ,chapter will submit plans and estimates of the work recommended by their ,lordships' ,inspector as soon as possible4 ,eastchester ,cathedral3 ,visited on ,dec4 #ae by ,mr4 ,crankie ,robinson4 ,the ,dean and ,chapter are to be congratulated on the completion of the restoration of this ancient fabric1 and which has been carried out in a thoroughly catholic and conservative spirit1 with the result of revealing to the present generation the work of ,sigismund1 first ,abbot of ,ostia4 ,at the same time the later accretions1 notably the lancet windows of the polygonal apse1 and the late ,perpendicular machicolations1 have been reverently handled4 ,the time at my disposal was insufficient to enable me to report fully on the preaching1 reading1 and singing1 but the work seemed satisfactory on the whole4 ,the crypt was very cold4 ,remarks3 ,the ,dean and ,chapter should seriously consider the advisability of warming all parts of the sacred edifice4 ,such reports would be what my clerical friends call 8distinctly helpful40 ,if there is any hesitation shown by the episcopal bench in taking it up1 ,baedeker might be appealed to4 ,by degrees all important places of worship might be gathered in4 ,this1 however1 is visionary3 ,i am concerned with the actual4 ,in framing the school reports 8to be communicated to the managers10 we had several rough principles4 ,the first was that a good school would do with a very few words3 a bad school required many stripes4 ,the second was that one should begin with the good points 7if any71 and thus proceed more gracefully to the bad points4 ,but if the place were thoroughly bad1 it was thought wise to begin and end with denunciation1 sandwiching a few words of faint praise about the middle4 ,it was noticeable that a master liked to be prepared beforehand for a bad report4 ,one man1 of whom ,i knew something1 complained bitterly that the ,inspector 8before leaving the room was as pleasant as you'd wish1 and ,i thought everything was going well2 but when ,i got the ,report ,i couldn't sit down for a week after it40 ,how graphic6 ,it happened from time to time that a school manager would be goaded into fury4 ,at one time ,i expected this to occur twice1 or it might be thrice1 a year4 ,it might almost certainly be predicted that the fight would rage round one adjective or one verb3 though the word might be immaterial to the general argument4 ,from many such contests we were saved by the skill of the examiners in ,whitehall4 ,from long experience and not1 ,i am sure1 from any congenial dullness of mind1 they got to know exactly how a thoroughly stupid manager might misinterpret a harmless phrase2 and if they kindly forewarned me1 ,i gratefully substituted something suitable to the meanest capacity4 ,the knavish speech may sleep in the foolish ear1 but simple speech may kindle amazing suspicion that will blaze into wrath4 ,in more remote days our reports were twofold4 ,the full report was sent to the ,department1 and1 if approved1 was forwarded to the managers4 ,but1 in addition1 every certificated teacher who had passed through a period of probation had a parchment certificate of merit2 and on this it was our duty to inscribe an epigrammatic abstract of the report on the school1 or1 if he were a class teacher1 on his class4 ,the advantage of this 8endorsement0 was great4 ,it gave managers of schools a complete history of an applicant's career4 ,it gave an inspector still more valuable information2 for in reading previous endorsements he was often able to supply a good deal that was not apparent on the surface4 ,the opinions of some inspectors had a special value4 ,others were less esteemed4 ,i was told that one very important ,school ,board had a sort of table1 equating the official opinions of all the inspectors in ,england4 ,but ,i never heard what ,mrs4 ,harris 7teste ,mrs4 ,gamp7 would have called 8my individgle number40 ,the ordinary inspector soon acquired the habit of framing his endorsement on the general principles of his craft4 ,it was not thought fair to speak ill of a teacher on his certificate1 unless there were special grounds4 ,therefore one proceeded by judicious omission4 ,if one read that ,mr4 ,a4 8taught the elementary subjects with fair success0 one drew two inferences2 7#a7 that he could not teach anything else2 7#b7 that his discipline was weak1 because it was not mentioned4 ,but if it was stated that ,mrs4 ,b4 8maintained good order1 and was particularly successful in teaching handwriting10 it became obvious that her arithmetic was a deplorable failure4 ,so that to the trained eye the suppressio veri was not a suggestio falsi4 ,but useful as the system was1 it was open to two strong objections4 ,firstly1 it was often hard on a teacher1 for the inspector might err1 and the endorsement was permanent4 ,secondly1 and this was the last straw1 it became an intolerable nuisance to the inspector4 ,in a school of #ajj children it was easy to be terse1 innocuous1 and fairly truthful4 ,but ,i open a recent notebook1 and find a school of #fjj boys with #ba teachers4 ,supposing that ten of these teachers want certificate reports2 conceive the strain on the imagination1 or the commonplace book6 ,therefore a cynical and eccentric colleague adopted the startling method of applying the same treatment to all4 ,if this school of #fjj boys passed a good examination on the whole1 but had two weak classes out of the twenty1 then the correct summary would be--8,the school has on the whole passed a good examination4 ,standards ,,ii47b7 and ,,iii47c7 are not equal to the rest40 ,and he wrote this on the certificates of all the ten men4 ,eight at least would say1 8,what have ,i to do with the two black sheep8 ,mine are white40 ,but the inspector replied1 like ,mrs4 ,prig1 8,who do you think's to wash one feater1 and miss another1 and wear out one's eyes with all manner of fine work of that description1 for half-a-crown a day80 ,or words to that effect4 ,it was recorded of another inspector1 whose massive intellect had partly given way under the strain of compiling reports1 that in a certain school he wrote3 8,the master's wife has lately died3 the school has been painted pea-green4 8,j4 ,tearem1 ,h4,m4,i40 ,these records1 ,i said1 were indelible3 but there was nothing to prevent a teacher from 7so to speak7 suiciding his parchment certificate and lamenting its loss for the rest of his life4 ,if the parchment was lost1 the ,department declined to replace it1 unless it had been lost by an inspector4 ,probably the inspectors lost more than the teachers destroyed1 but it was rumoured that the latter method was not unknown4 ,an alternative remedy was to erase undesirable words1 and1 if necessary1 to introduce amendments4 ,this certainly was done occasionally1 for there were cases of detection1 and that suggests the existence of undetected cases4 ,a more remarkable course was to hire1 or buy the parchment of a retired teacher1 if possible a homonym1 and to trade under that new name with such alterations as were necessary4 ,a colleague told me of a case1 which he declared was well known in the village in which the vendor lived4 ,it was in ,wales1 and it was no one's business to interfere4 ,a touching story of a lost parchment is told by one inspector4 ,these documents were not issued till after a period of probation1 and if results during that period were not satisfactory1 the term might be prolonged indefinitely4 ,a ,london teacher1 when her first chance came1 was unsuccessful2 and when the next chance came she was more than usually anxious4 ,the inspection went smoothly3 she began to hope3 and day after day she sat like ,mariana1 lamenting the delay4 ,then came the joyful announcement that 8the certificate of merit would shortly be issued10 and she became more clamorous4 ,it happened one day1 that illness kept her at home on the south side of the ,thames1 and she sent strictest orders that1 if the big envelope with official heading arrived1 it was to be locked up in the desk with special care4 ,that very day it came1 and the assistant mistress in her friendly zeal determined to disregard orders1 and with her own hands to carry it to her care-worn chief4 ,it would do her more good than medicine4 ,she went by steamer up the ,thames1 ,battersea way2 and as it was a cold day1 she put the precious burden on her lap1 and buried her hands in her muff4 ,there came a sudden gust1 which lifted the big square envelope1 whirled it round1 and tossed it into the river4 ,and she was left lamenting4 ,first the news had to be broken to the bereaved one4 ,like ,tennyson's dame 87,she7 wept like a child for the child that was dead before he was born40 ,she was frantic with grief1 and her friends trembled for her intellect1 such as it was4 ,but the assistant was a girl of much resourcefulness4 ,her father was a prominent official in the body that looks after the ,thames3 she went to him1 and told the piteous tale4 ,my colleague--but he was an imaginative man--alleged that they dragged the river from ,teddington ,lock to the ,nore1 but caught nothing4 ,finally it was decided that a sea-gull had detected a meaty flavour beneath the paper cover and had carried it off4 ,i am glad to say that after prolonged correspondence the ,department issued a duplicate4 ,of all endorsements the most difficult to frame was the initial entry4 ,at the end of the term of probation the teacher had to give a formal lesson on any topic or object that he chose3 it was supposed to last for twenty minutes1 and ,h4,m4,i4 was expected to sum up his opinion of the lesson and of the teacher's general capacity in one compact sentence4 ,very often one disregarded the formal lesson1 for the teacher might be all but speechless with fright1 and the verdict had to be based on the general results of the year's work4 ,in one such case ,i was in great doubt4 ,the mistress was very young and very pretty4 ,she had light hair and blue eyes1 and it follows that she was very nervous4 ,i cannot say that her school did very well4 ,i think it was deficient in ,arithmetic3 but she was very charming4 ,should the parchment be issued8 ,my ,assistant was susceptible1 and soft-hearted3 he pleaded for her3 she was all alone in this country school3 her ,certificate examination at ,whitelands--one of the leading ,colleges--showed that she had plenty of brains3 she had done her best1 and she would improve4 ,finally ,i gave way1 and suggested as the endorsement3 8,miss ,x4 is a pretty fair teacher40 ,he agreed rapturously1 and so it was written4 ,but the next year my chief visited the school1 and according to custom called for the parchment4 ,and 7so the assistant told me7 when he read the entry1 and caught sight of the 8pretty1 fair0 one in front of her class1 it smote him suddenly1 and he retreated hastily to the ,infants' class-room4 ,all endorsements are now abolished2 ,i am not sure whether there is even a parchment certificate4 ,it is many years since ,i saw one4 ,oh1 ,miss ,o',flaherty6 do you remember your bon mot at ,st4 ,petronius' school8 ,i asked1 you know1 whether you had any poetry to say as part of the examination for your certificate1 and you replied with a twinkle of your ,irish eyes3 8,i've got all the certificates ,i want--7and you added softly7--except one40 ,,chapter ,,xxiv ,,singing 8,i will but teach them to sing1 and restore them to the owner40 ,much ,ado4 ,the ordinary work of school inspection is not exciting to an outside spectator4 ,there is nothing in the ,three ,r's to quicken the pulse1 or to raise the temperature4 ,grammar1 geography1 history only seem to produce profound thankfulness in the onlooker's mind1 that he is not on the rack2 there may be absurd answers1 but if he laughs1 the effect on the children may be disastrous4 ,for varied interest of a mild kind1 ,i should recommend composition and natural history4 ,ladies like needlework4 ,some can stand with a sweet smile on their faces while the children sing4 ,here1 then1 are four subjects upon which something may be said4 ,the list of accomplishments that ,i do not possess would be lengthy4 ,but on the credit side ,i may put music--up to ,standard ,,iii4 ,that is not an exalted boast1 but it places me far ahead of many of my old colleagues4 ,i could look over a music paper1 if it was not ,tonic ,sol-fa1 and when the children sang school songs with the view of getting the ,government ,grant of #f;d4 or #as41 ,i was able to make quite valuable remarks4 ,for an inspector1 a knowledge of music is an useful1 but not altogether an enviable possession4 ,he ought to be able to decide whether singing is correct and tuneful1 but the man who does not know suffers less4 7,this sounds like a quotation from the ,ethics1 but ,i believe ,aristotle is free from blame47 ,at one conference of inspectors we discussed rules for awarding the grant for singing4 ,the code laid down the principle that1 if the children sang 8by note10 the possible grant was #as4 per head2 if 8by ear10 it was only #f;d42 to get the higher grant they had to do certain exercises--that was simple enough4 ,there were ten of us present1 and it happened that ,i was the only man who personally conducted the examinations2 the others sent their assistants4 ,i was appealed to1 as an expert1 to say when we should be justified in refusing even the lower grant1 that for singing by ear4 ,one valued colleague1 who admitted that he detected no difference between one tune and another1 remarked that his plan was to watch the face of the head teacher4 ,if it showed disgust and loathing1 disappointment and fear1 he concluded that the necessary standard had not been reached1 and he refused the grant4 ,but this obviously led to hypocrisy4 ,and the head teacher might be no judge1 or too exacting4 ,finally ,i suggested1 and it was carried unanimously1 ,,that if the singing was so far tolerable that you could stop in the room to the very end1 the grant might be paid2 ,,but ,,that if you had to rush into the playground1 a stern refusal should follow4 ,it was a very incomplete test4 ,i have known men who could smile at the ,salvation ,army band4 ,in the early days there was very little note-singing4 ,there was no extra grant for voice cultivation or any other form of scientific training2 merely #as4 for twelve songs4 ,then1 ,i think in #ahgf1 came the graduated scale of #f;d4 or #as41 and then1 or later1 the number of songs was reduced to eight4 ,as most schools could not receive more than #aes4 or #ags4 #f;d4 a head1 however much they might earn1 there was not much inducement to pile up the losses4 ,but the clergy encouraged note-singing for the sake of their choirs1 and the teachers found it an agreeable change from the monotony of the ordinary routine4 ,so the work grew1 till it became rare to find a school that did not attempt ,tonic ,sol-fa at the least4 ,then the special grant was merged in the large principal grant4 ,hymns were forbidden between #aj and #d4cj 7or the equivalent times74 ,a school manager once protested to me against this restriction4 ,i suggested that if managers chose hymns containing 8doctrine distinctive of any denomination0 there would be ructions4 ,he said triumphantly that his selection would satisfy all parties3 it was ,moody and ,sankey4 ,the pachyderm has many advantages4 ,but it was not always easy to draw the line1 if one wanted to draw it2 and it was rumoured that a pedantic inspector objected to the ,national ,anthem1 as having a religious tendency4 ,it was probably the same man who corrected a similar error in history4 ,the question was1 ,who was the wisest man that ever lived8 ,a child1 who knew more than ,i do1 answered 8,solomon10 and the teacher said 8,yes02 but ,h4,m4,i4 said1 8,no3 not after #aj3 say #8,solon4'0 ,some schools sang beautifully in two- or three-part harmony4 ,they were not always the most successful in other branches of study1 and ,i am inclined to doubt ,shakespeare's theory of the evil disposition of the unmusical man4 ,we did our best to encourage harmony1 beginning with simple rounds of two or three parts4 ,and the story is told by an ,inspector of established credibility1 that in a certain school he had advised this rudimentary method1 and was asked by an uncultured master1 8,what is a round80 ,h4,m4,i4 explained1 taking 8,three blind mice0 as an example3 8,the first class will sing the first line2 then the second class will take it up1 while the first class go on to the second line2 and then the third class chime in40 ,the master listened deferentially1 and promised to do his best4 ,next year1 as the ,inspector approached the school for his annual visit after formal notice1 he heard from afar sounds so agonizing that he hurried on to see what had gone wrong4 ,he found the whole school shrieking as though they were possessed by the fiends in ,berlioz' ,faust4 ,naturally he asked for an explanation4 8,this10 said the master1 8is the round you recommended4 ,they are singing #8,the ,last ,rose of ,summer'2 the first class sing the first line1 the second class the second line1 and so on1 as you suggested4 ,we found it hard at first1 but ,i think we have mastered it now40 ,of course1 in many schools1 the head teacher is not a musician4 ,but most of them could 8hum a bit10 and they generally were awarded the grant for singing by ear4 ,their choice of songs was marvellous4 ,never shall ,i forget the fury of an eminent ,celtic scholar1 who at one time adorned the office of ,inspector1 when he found that a master had taught the children to sing the 8pence-table0 to the hallowed strains of 8,llwyn ,on0 7,the ,ash ,grove73 8,twenty pence are one and eightpence2 ,twenty-four pence two shillings2 ,thirty-pence are two and sixpence2 ,thirty-six pence three shillings40 ,i suggested 8,three ,bob0 as more suitable to the metre1 which requires a monosyllable at the end of the fourth line2 but the amendment was lost2 like the well-meant suggestion of ,fitz ,james1 it 8added but fuel to his hate02 ,i was told 7in effect7 that 8,llwyn ,on0 should be sung dolce1 cantabile1 con molta tenerezza2 and the children sang it staccato1 alla marcia1 giocoso4 ,i fear that school got a poor report4 ,this unhallowed wedding of trivial verse to immortal melody often disturbed even my placid temper4 ,i remember in one school1 after listening for some time to some moral sentiments sung to a tune that haunted me with memories of my youth1 ,i recovered the 8,lost ,chord10 and enquired of the ,lady of the ,manor1 who 7suspendens omnia naso7 was keeping an eye on my movements1 whether she recognized the air4 ,she failed to do so1 and ,i had the pleasure of informing her that it was 8,villikins and ,dinah10 a tune which1 about the time of the ,crimean ,war1 divided popularity with 8,partant pour la ,syrie10 and preceded 8,the ,ratcatcher's ,daughter40 ,how did it go fifty years since8 8,as ,villikins was a vallikin in his garden around1 ,he saw his fair ,dinah lay dead on the ground2 ,a cup of cold poison lay close by her side1 ,and a billet-dow wot said as how 'twas of poison she died40 ,little did ,i think to meet ,dinah again in a ,public ,elementary ,school4 ,the ,lady of the ,manor sniffed scornfully3 probably the mistress heard of it next day4 ,i am sorry ,i did not ask for a copy of the amended words4 ,in another school ,i was cheered by the sound of 8,nelly ,bly10 a nigger song 7shall we say negro melody87 of the ,early ,carolina period1 say #aheh-i4 ,there ,i did ask for a copy of the words1 and here they are3 8,in ,asia and in ,africa ,the elephant is found3 ,he larger is than any beast ,that walks upon the ground3 ,when tame he is gentle and mild1 ,and does what he's desired1 ,but if he's mocked or treated ill1 ,with anger he is fired40 ,i forget the rest1 but this is genuine4 ,there should have been a chorus of ,hi ,jumbo1 ,ho ,jumbo2 but it was before the days of the popular beast4 ,in an old ,blue ,book1 more than thirty years ago1 ,i read a lamentation of an ,inspector in this district that he had heard 8,a ,southerly ,wind0 to an extent that would have sickened a ,cheshire fox-hunter1 and 8,the ,neat ,little ,clock0 till he could wish that time were no more4 ,the latter was a drivelling piece of morality sung to the beautiful old tune of 8,the ,woodpecker03 it lasted well into my epoch1 but it seems to be extinct now4 ,at times one attempted to guide the popular taste4 ,in a fishing village1 where there was a lighthouse1 ,i persuaded the master to teach ,kingsley's 8,three ,fishers03 and in an ,irish school ,i urged ,moore's ,melodies4 ,but in neither case was the result encouraging1 and the attempt was not repeated4 ,then it occurred to me one day1 as it did with a more satisfactory result to ,juvenal1 8am ,i always to be only a hearer80 or as to ,fletcher of ,saltoun's 8very wise man10 if a man were permitted to make all the school songs1 he need not care who should make the ,code4 ,and ,i wrote for a friendly infant school a parody of ,gilbert's ,minstrel's ,song1 in the 8,yeomen of the ,guard03 it was arranged antiphonally for boys and girls1 and the second verse ran thus3 ,boys3 ,i have a song to sing1 oh4 ,girls3 ,sing me that song1 oh4 ,boys3 ,it's the song of the pie1 and the greedy boy ,who sat in his lonely corner2 ,it's the song of a boy with a greedy thumb1 ,which he put in the pie to pull out a plum2 ,the little dog laughed when he saw such sport1 ,for he always laughed when he didn't ought1 ,he never was at school1 and never was taught1 ,a naughty boy1 ,jack ,horner4 ,all3 ,heigh dey1 heigh dey1 ,heigh diddle diddle1 the cat and the fiddle1 ,the little dog laughed when he saw the sport ,of the naughty boy1 ,jack ,horner4 ,i think the teachers were a little doubtful about the grammar of 8didn't ought10 and candour compels me to admit that the song was not a success4 ,two schools sang it 8to oblige the ,inspector10 but on him1 at least1 it had the effect of a penitential psalm4 ,i wrote no more4 ,strange that there should be any difficulty in finding words of songs3 8the world was all before them where to choose40 ,england1 ,scotland1 ,ireland1 and ,wales contribute folk-songs of sufficient merit and variety1 though1 at times1 of dialectic ,english4 ,germany is always at hand4 ,but ,i admit that if you deduct in each case songs in praise of ,bacchus1 ,diana1 and ,venus1 there is a large gap4 ,,chapter ,,xxv ,,natural ,,history 8,his acquaintance with ,natural ,history is surprising4 ,quite a ,buffoon40--,old ,curiosity ,shop4 ,in ,public ,elementary ,schools the study of ,natural ,history is still in its infancy4 ,but there are signs of its assuming practical importance4 ,in one school in the county in which ,i write1 it has developed energy in a truly surprising manner4 ,our county paper recently informed us that the boys attending that place of learning had caught and killed an astonishing number of 8worbles0 in the past year2 ,i think over #fc1jjj4 ,this is a mere plagiarism from the methods of ,dotheboys ,hall4 ,i turn to the chronicles thereof1 and ,i read3 8,please1 sir1 he's weeding the garden40 8,to be sure10 said ,squeers1 8so he is4 ,b-,o-,t bot1 ,t-,i-,n tin1 bottin1 ,n-,e-,y ney1 bottiney1 noun substantive1 a knowledge of plants4 ,when he has learnt that bottinney means a knowledge of plants1 he goes and knows 'em40 ,what is a worble8 ,that ,i know not3 the worble-hunters were not in my district4 ,nor is the creature traceable in ,miss ,ormerod's 8,manual of ,injurious ,insects40#ci ,i think it molests cattle1 and therefore the farmers' sons are keen to 8take away that worble40 ,and as the school is in the middle of a great hunting district1 the desire for the chase is instinctive4 ,there is1 however1 no need to limit children to worbles4 ,in ,london1 for instance1 the supply of this prey would be insufficient2 but in so large a town there would be little difficulty in establishing a special entomological 8line40 ,there would be room for research of the most varied kind4 ,the names of several species will instantly occur to the reader4 ,if ,marylebone and ,westminster could be induced to make competitive collections of the best known1 the sympathy of all ,london would be enlisted1 and education would enjoy a popularity which it has hitherto failed to attain4 ,to tell the truth1 we did not profess to teach natural history as a part of the regular course4 ,but we gave object-lessons2 that is1 lessons on an object placed before a class2 and as the object was usually a picture1 and as the pictures usually represented either ,scripture scenes1 or animals1 it followed that--after #aj a4m4--most of the lessons were on animals4 ,our mnagerie was a small one1 and1 the remarkable habits and properties of the creatures being traditional1 there was little chance of its extension4 ,a new beast would require study4 ,moreover1 the managers did not like buying too many pictures4 ,will you accompany me through a large infant school8 ,the head mistress greets me3 8,the first class was going to have a lesson on the elephant3 will that do80 ,oh yes2 let us have the elephant4 8,loungin' around and sufferin'10 said ,uncle ,remus4 ,the elephant is painfully familiar4 ,when the visitor to ,continental picture galleries catches sight of ,s4 ,sebastian--8arrowed1 but unharrowed0--he hastily turns away in search of novelty3 and so would we gladly do here4 ,bitter constraint and sad occasion compel us to listen for a decent time1 though our thoughts wander to pity for the unhappy fate of the huge beast4 ,to be as big as that1 and yet because of 8a villainous trick of thine eye1 and a foolish hanging of thy nether lip10 as ,falstaff puts it1 to be in the estimation of infant schools a compound of the clown and the pantaloon2 and to be lectured on by pupil-teachers1 8,ut pueris placeas1 et declamatio fias10 it is a cruel destiny4 ,but who could respect an animal with that tail8 ,the lesson is devoid of interest4 ,how do ,i know1 when admittedly my thoughts have been wandering8 ,because the children are better judges than ,i1 and they have damned it by entire indifference4 ,would the ,inspector like to ask any questions at the end8 ,only one3 8,what does the elephant eat80 8,buns40 ,will ,i take the second class8 ,certainly4 ,i am offered the camel4 ,the camelus scholasticus is as well known to me as my dog4 ,i know his whole history1 his habitat1 his food-and-water arrangements1 his disposition4 ,he differs considerably from the ,camelus ,kiplingicus1 or ,melancholy ',oont3 8,the 'orse 'e knows above a bit1 the bullock's but a fool1 ,the elephant's a gentleman1 the battery-mule's a mule2 ,but the commissariat cam-u-el1 when all is said and done1 ',e's a devil an' a ostrich an' a orphan child in one40 ,but our camel is gentle1 meek1 anxious to oblige4 ,the lesson is going on1 while ,i make these valuable reflections1 and the beast's picture hangs on the easel3 if he is at all like his picture1 mallem errare cum ,platone1 ,i side with ,mr4 ,kipling4 ,the camel has been called the ship of the desert4 ,he is very useful2 he lives in very hot countries1 where it is very hot4 ,tommy ,jones1 don't fidget2 listen to teacher4 ,and he lives in the desert1 where there is nothing but sand all round4 ,mary ,smith1 if you don't give over talking1 teacher will be very cross with you3 yes1 my word1 c41 c4 ,when the stream of drivel has run dry1 ,i ask3 8,where does the camel live80 8,in very 'ot coontries40 8,yes3 but whereabouts80 8,in the desert40 8,and what does he live on there80 8,sahnd40 8,sand8 ,yes2 but ,i mean1 what does he get to eat80 8,sahnd40 8,and what does he get to drink in the desert80 8,water40 8,and where does he get that from80 8,out of the taps40 ,i had not thought of that4 ,there comes up a recollection of a ,norfolk country school1 where1 after hearing all the uses and the virtues of the camel1 ,i asked whether there were any of these precious beasts in ,norfolk8 ,none4 ,and if the camel was so useful1 why not8 ,the answer came from the gamekeeper's son3 8',cos that 'ud tread on th' young pheasants40 ,i looked at its sprawling feet as shown in the picture1 and understood their unfitness for a game-preserving county4 ,we must move on again4 ,the third class is hearing about the mole1 and ,i pause for a minute on the way3 ,the mole is useful because it eats the worms1 which would eat the potatoes and get into our food4 ,is it ever idle8 ,no1 it is always working2 digging fresh passages4 ,good old mole6 8,well said1 old mole6 can'st work i' the ground so fast80 ,let us try the next class4 ,it is engaged on the lion1 and an elderly dame has got to thirdly and lastly4 ,etiquette requires that the lesson should conclude with some remarks on the use of the lion4 8,what is the use of the lion8 ,the use of the lion is to 'unt4 ,what is the use of the lion1 children80 ,chorus3 8,to ',,unt1 teacher40 ,i find she means 8to be hunted03 and1 when the children are gone out to play1 ,i put it to her whether she really thinks that beneficent ,providence has created the lion on purpose that man should hunt him4 ,she is a little staggered by this presentment of her own doctrine1 but pleads that it is so stated in her book1 and produces it4 ,there it is in black and white6 ,i have little doubt that a similar belief is held by fox-hunters and other sportsmen4 8,crewel10 said an old keeper1 when reproached for badger-baiting1 8why1 whativer do yo think as badgers was made for80 ,in ten minutes the children return from the playground1 and ,i am implored not to forget the babies3 they are going to have an object-lesson1 and the pupil-teacher is waiting for me4 ,it is ,mary ,williams1 whose pretty face and pretty ways make her the idol of the babies1 and even draw a smile from my grimmest ,sub4 ,i yield to pressure4 ,the babies are hot and dusty1 and riotous1 and have to be relieved with a song1 just to blow off steam4 ,what is next on the agenda paper8 ,the cow8 ,let us have the cow4 ,the whole class sees the picture of the cow brought down from the wall1 but nevertheless we must approach the subject as tradition dictates3 ,p4,t43 ,as ,i was coming to school this morning along ,high ,street ,i heard a great noise1 and there was a man in a blue frock1 driving a great big animal down the road4 ,what do you think it was1 babies8 ,chorus3 ,a kyow1 teacher4 7,h4,m4,i4 to head mistress1 sotto voce3 8,if ye had not plowed with my heifer1 ye had not found out my riddle40 ,head-mistress1 uncertainly3 8,ye-es407 ,p4,t43 ,yes1 a cow1 and here's a picture of a cow4 7,the class regard it with blank indifference born of familiarity47 ,now the cow is a very useful animal3---- ,billy ,jones 7,amicus curi73 ,i seen a kyow this mornin' as ,i was comin'1 an' it was a bull3 and it run at a mon an' 'orned 'im nearly1 only 'ee got away--07pauses for want of breath74 ,p4,t4 7coldly73 ,that will do1 ,billy1 you mustn't talk now till teacher has done4 ,and it gives us milk4 ,what little boy or girl had milk for their breakfast this morning1 ,i wonder8 7,alarums and excursions1 many competing claims to have had two moogs full47 ,yes1 and that came from the cow4 ,what has it got on its head8 ,horns1 yes4 ,and what can it do with its horns1 ,jenny8 ,jenny3 ,hike yer4 7i4 e4 toss you47 ,p4,t4 7much shocked73 ,oh1 ,jenny6 ,i told you never to say 8hike40 ,the cow would give you a great knock4 ,and how many legs has it got8 ,my attention wanders1 as if ,i were sitting under a dull preacher1 and in the absence of mural tablets ,i study the pictures and general exhibits4 ,with joy ,i hail a reading sheet for infants3 ,bill is not well4 ,he is ill at the mill4 ,bid ,ann fill a can of jam1 and get us a bit of ham1 and we will go with them to him4 ,did ,bill sip the jam8 ,oh yes1 he sat up in his bed1 and did sip jam till his lips were red4 ,he did not have a bit of ham4 ,we sat with ,bill till six1 and then we set off4 ,i infer that ,bill succumbed to this novel treatment at #e4ee1 and that they fled in haste1 when they were quite sure1 you know4 ,but ,i think if they had given him the ham1 too1 he would have gone off quicker1 if that was all they wanted4 ,over the fireplace is the time table for the babies' class4 ,it is 8approved by me as satisfying the ,conscience ,clause40 7,in those days our control over time tables went no further47 ,the babies have two lessons a week1 each of fifteen minutes1 on 8threading a needle40 ,i think the ,conscience ,clause might come in here4 ,on ,friday afternoon they have a lesson on riddles6 ,and ,i never knew that6 8,why does a miller wear a white hat80 8,when is a door not a door80 ,for children who have gone through a year of this course of instruction1 including the cow1 the camel1 and the cat1 life has no further terrors1 and death comes as a happy release4 ,the cow is nearly exhausted4 8,and it has a very1 very long tongue1 and when it wants to get some grass to eat1 it wraps its tongue round the grass1 and tears it off4 ,isn't that clever8 ,yes1 ,sally1 you shall go home directly1 if you are a good girl40 ,the closure is applied3 the lesson ends1 and the cow 8winds slowly0 to its place on the wall4 ,as ,i go1 ,i mutter to myself the old tag-- 8,claudite jam rivos1 pueri1 sat prata biberunt10#dj and it reminds me of a familiar ,swiss scene4 ,the ,matterhorn1 the ,zmutt glacier1 and the ,dent ,blanche make the background3 in the foreground daddy with a spade is diverting the runnels to feed another meadow1 and ,anastasia1 aged seven1 is not embittering life in ,standard ,i41 but superintends the prolonged meal of a tethered cow1 and at the same time 8minds0 ,seraphina and ,claudinus1 aged three and four respectively1 who sprawl contentedly on the ,alp1 and pull to pieces what ,i call crocus1 and the gods call ,colchicum ,alpinum4 ,they toil not1 nor do they thread needles1 but they know a good deal about a cow4 ,where is ,mary8 8,oh6 ,mary1 ,mary1 quite contrairy1 did you tell those babies any mortal thing about the cow that they didn't know before they came in80 8,well1 ,mr4 ,kynnersley1 there was that about the tongue40 8,mary1 ,mary1 did you ever hear of the book--0 7,i pause1 trying to remember the details7-- 8,do you mean the ,bible1 ,mr4 ,kynnersley80 8,no1 ,mary1 nor #8,bradshaw'3 the book that contained things that are true and things that are new3 but the things that are true are not new1 and the things that are new are not true80 ,mary looks at me in utter bewilderment4 ,i box her pretty ears1 pull her pretty hair1 and dismiss her1 quite unrepentant1 to her dinner4 ,the teacher of the second class stands where ,i left her--8,grieving1 if aught inanimate e'er grieves40 ,she thinks ,i was not pleased with her presentment of the camel4 ,i soothe her1 and at that moment appears from the end class-room a bright-eyed little body1 with a model1 and a pile of literature4 8,why1 ,miss ,miranda60 ,i exclaim1 8where have you been all the morning80 8,in the class-room with ,standard ,i41 ,mr4 ,kynnersley1 and you never came near my class40 ,how was ,i to know that there was a class in there8 ,what has she got in her hands8 ,there is a model of a camel1 a sketch of its internal arrangements1 8,wood's ,natural ,history10 and rough notes of the lesson4 ,oh1 ,miss ,miranda6 8,excellent wench6 ,perdition catch my soul but ,i do----0 wish there were more teachers like you4 ,,footnotes3 #ci ,a scientific friend explains that the ,manual treats only of vegetable destroyers3 the worble fly is the pest of oxen4 #dj 8,shut off the runnels now1 lads2 the meadows have drunk enough40 ,,chapter ,,xxvi ,,composition 8,an honest tale speeds best1 being plainly told40 ,king ,john4 ,in the dark ages before 7about7 #ahie one of the subjects allotted to ,standard ,v4 was composition1 and this was further explained to be 8writing from memory the substance of a short story read out twice40 ,it was a very useful exercise1 and many of my friends would be more valuable witnesses in a court of justice1 and better company after dinner1 if they had received this training4 ,to be able to catch the point of a story and repeat it accurately is a rare accomplishment4 ,i remember an instance in point4 ,i was staying with a doctor1 a school manager2 and at dinner ,i told him the old story of ,h4 ,j4 ,byron1 ,sothern1 and the great-coat4 ,he laughed1 and made a mental note of it for professional use4 ,next day at lunch he told me that it had brought him good fruit beyond expectation4 ,he had called at the ,hall1 and finding the daughters of the house assembled in the drawing-room1 after he had seen his patient1 he had told them the story thus3 8,i heard a good story last night4 ,h4 ,j4 ,byron1 you know1 the man that wrote the plays1 was going down ,regent ,street the other day1 and met ,sothern1 the actor4 ,it was a very cold day1 and ,sothern1 noticing that ,byron was lightly clad1 exclaimed1 #8,what a fellow you are1 ,byron2 you never wear a great-coat4' #8,no1' said ,byron1 #8,i never was4' 8,they all laughed consumedly1 and in the middle of their laughter a girl friend called1 and asked what was the joke4 8#8,oh1' said one1 #8such a funny story the ,doctor has just told us4 ,lord ,byron1 you know1 that wrote the poetry1 was going down--what street was it1 ,doctor8' 8#8,well1 it's immaterial1 but it was ,regent ,street4' 8#8,oh1 thanks1 yes2 and he met--who was it8' 8#8,sothern1 the actor4' 8#8,of course1 yes3' and so he said to ,sothern1 #8you never wear a great coat2' so he said1 #8,no1 ,i never do4' 7,renewed laughter47 8,the caller pondered1 and then remarked that she was awfully stupid1 but she didn't see the joke4 ,the narrator pondered also1 and finally confessed1 #8,no more do ,i now1 but we laughed very much when the ,doctor told us4'0 ,i told the whole story to a friend1 and he supplied me with a variant from a lower stratum of society4 ,a ,lancashire man went with a friend into a tailor's shop to buy a coat4 ,one was produced1 and the purchaser asked the friend for his opinion4 8,seems a bit short1 don't it80 said the friend4 8,ah1 lad1 but it'll be long enough before ,i get another40 ,three minutes later a third man found the friend in the street1 still convulsed with laughter4 8,why1 what's to do80 he asked4 ,the friend wiped his eyes and took breath3 8,eh1 it were ,jack ,robinson3 he's a funny feller4 ,ah went with him into yon shop1 because he wanted an overcoat1 d'ye see8 ,and they brought him out one1 and he tries it on and he says to me3 #8,how does it look1 ,bill8' he says4 #8,seems a bit short1 don't it8' says ,i4 #8,well1' he says1 #8it 'ull be a pretty time afore ,i get another4'0 ,and the friend was again convulsed4 ,but the third man was indignant3 8,why1 whativer was theer to laugh at80 ,the friend 8rubbed an elongated forehead with a meditative cuff03 8,ah reckon ah've got it a bit mixed10 he admitted1 8but we laughed a good 'un at th' toime40 ,a third case may be quoted3 ,twenty or more years ago there was an inquest that caused much excitement4 ,a man--let us call him ,miller--died suddenly4 ,there was a post-mortem examination1 and distinct traces of antimony were found4 ,the public demanded vengeance1 but soon cooled down1 when it was disclosed at the enquiry that the deceased1 whether by making or by saving money1 had hasted to become rich4 ,there was a luncheon party at the ,canon's house in ,norceter1 and the affaire ,miller was discussed4 ,among the guests was old ,sir ,john ,surd1 who1 being very deaf1 was allowed to have ,lady ,surd sitting next him4 ,the ,canon1 a well-known humorist1 gave novelty to the topic by remarking how singular it was that a man who was so fond of money should have died of anti-mony4 ,there was laughter1 and ,sir ,john turned to his wife and privately asked for the joke4 8,oh1 ,john10 shouted her ,ladyship1 8such a funny thing the ,canon has said4 ,mr4 ,miller1 you know1 ,john1 ,miller--the ,inquest80 8,yes1 yes40 7,all conversation ceased3 all eyes were turned on the narrator1 who became flurried47 8,mr4 ,miller1 you know4 ,well1 the ,canon said how funny it was that--er--,mr4 ,miller who--er--was so fond of money1 ,,money1 you know80 8,yes1 yes10 impatiently4 7,the guests begin to smile1 and ,lady ,surd loses her head and plunges47 8,so fond of money1 should have er--er--,,died ,,of ,,tartar ,,emetic60 ,now if these imperfect historians had been trained in ,standard ,v4 ,i should have lost three stories4 ,to meet the requirements of the ,code it was necessary for school teachers to have a stock of simple anecdotes1 and to this end publishers brought out collections of stories1 sometimes serious1 moral1 improving2 sometimes more or less humorous2 but nearly always quite unsuitable4 ,our children have a very limited vocabulary1 and the long words and involved sentences that occur in such compilations completely bewildered them4 ,or1 if by any chance there was a simpler story1 it would probably have only one incident2 and1 being of so elementary a type1 would be inadequate for the latter part of the school year1 when we expected two or more stages in the plot4 ,for instance3 7#a7 ,androcles meets a lion in pain and removes a thorn from his foot4 7#b7 ,the lion1 being invited to eat ,androcles1 recognizes his benefactor and declines the meal4 ,but ,androcles was not our style of hero4 ,an experienced school manager once pointed out to me the need for educating the faculty of humour in children4 8,look at old ,whackem10 he said1 indicating the master1 8there is no surgical operation that would have any effect on that man's humorous receptivity4 ,he ought to have been caught young40 ,i banished ,androcles and the like1 and collected the stories which ,mark ,twain disliked1 the stories with 8a snap0 to them3 these ,i put into simple ,english1 and then tried to get the class to find the snap4 ,in an old portfolio ,i find half a dozen of them1 almost illegible with age1 and they bring back memories of much of that 8unquenchable laughter0 which ,i tried to teach ,standard ,v4 to share with ,olympus4 ,how popular was 8,the ,lady ,doctor06--she who in vol4 i4 took out the patient's eye1 and put it on a table1 while she was arranging bandages4 ,but 7vol4 ii47 the landlady's cat ate the eye1 thinking it was its dinner4 ,in vol4 iii4 the lady doctor killed the cat1 took out its eye1 put it in the unsuspecting patient's head1 and sent him away whole4 8,but the ungrateful patient complains that he is always looking for mice1 and that the sight of a dog makes his hair stand on end40 ,more popular still was ,boccaccio's story of the crane4 ,i believe it has appeared in all the languages of ,europe1 but not in school anecdote books4 ,may ,i repeat it here8 ,those who know it have their remedy4 ,the original1 which is slightly altered for school use1 is in the ,decameron1 ,,vi4 ,day1 ,,iv4 ,novel3 ,a dishonest cook was one day roasting a crane for her master's supper4 ,when it was done1 it looked so nice that she thought she must just taste it1 and she tore off a leg and ate it4 ,when the rest of the bird was served up for supper1 the master saw what had been done1 and angrily scolded her for taking the leg4 8,oh1 master10 she said1 8those birds have only one leg40 8,only one leg1 woman8 ,come with me in the morning to the river bank1 and ,i will teach you better than that40 ,so in the morning they went2 and there were half a dozen cranes1 each standing1 as is the way of cranes1 on one leg4 8,there1 master10 she said1 8what did ,i tell you8 only one leg60 ,the master clapped his hands1 and said 8,shoo6 shoo60 and all the birds put down the other legs1 ran a few yards1 and flew away4 8,what did ,i tell you80 he said1 8,two ,legs60 8,ah10 said she1 8but if you'd have clapped your hands and said ,shoo1 shoo1 at that crane last night1 maybe he'd have put down another leg and flown away1 and you'd have lost your supper40 ,the difficulty was with the girls4 ,in a mixed school1 while the boys were laughing1 the girls in the same class would be reflecting that the cook 8didn't ought to have took the leg10 speculating also whether they should write 8crain0 like 8rain10 or 8creign0 like 8reign40 ,androcles is their man4 ,but even the boys failed me sometimes4 ,this was notable in the extreme case of the ,speculative ,maid and the ,hamburg lottery4 ,i told it to my best boys' school with much confidence3 8,there was a lottery in ,hamburg last year1 and the first prize was #a1jjj4 ,the tickets were sold in the ,town ,hall1 and the ,mayor was there to see fair-play4 ,about an hour after they began to sell1 a servant girl came in a great hurry and said she wanted to buy ,no4 #bc4 ,they told her it was sold already4 ,she cried so much that the ,mayor asked whether another ticket wouldn't do as well3 she could have ,no4 #ba4 ,but she said #8,no1' she must have #bc1 and no other4 ,the ,mayor was so sorry for her1 that he sent a clerk to the man who bought ,no4 #bc1 and asked him to change it4 ,this was done without any trouble1 and the girl went away happy4 ,when the lottery was drawn1 ,no4 #bc won the first prize of #a1jjj1 and the ,mayor was so much surprised that he sent for the girl and asked her what made her think of that number4 8,well10 she said1 8it was this way3 ,i had a dream that ,no4 #g won it2 and then ,i dreamt again that #g won2 and then a third time ,i dreamt that #g won2 and ,i said to myself #8three sevens is #bc1' and ,i came here and got it40 ,and when ,i had got to the end1 the whole class rose deferentially from their seats1 and said1 8,three sevens are #ba40 ,let me add two wholly irrelevant appendices--appendicitis is the disease of the story-teller3 ,first1 was it ,huxley or ,tyndall1 who1 after hearing this1 said it was the only dream story that ever carried conviction to his mind8 ,secondly1 ,i was told on the highest authority that the story is traditional in the ,deanery of ,westminster1 because it was told there at the dinner table of ,arthur ,p4 ,stanley2 whose bent was not scientific3 and when it came to an end1 all laughed except the ,dean1 who1 after some thought1 said he could not see the joke3 but1 after increased laughter of the others1 hazarded the surmise that 8perhaps three times seven is not #bc80 ,this irreceptivity caused me grave disquiet4 ,was it possible that by diligent practice a child should convert himself into a sort of 8graph0 or 8phone10 capable of reproducing a story with absolute accuracy without intelligent comprehension8 ,was it not possible to superadd a test8 ,i tried the experiment thus3 the story was of the usual type1 and ,i told it to a large mixed class1 boys and girls3 8,a ,french officer1 coming into a wineshop in ,paris1 heard an old soldier boasting of his battles1 his wounds and losses4 #8,i have lost my right arm1' he said1 lastly1 #8but it was for ,france and the ,emperor2 and for them ,i would gladly give the other arm4' #8,that is all very fine1' remarked the officer2 #8it is easy to boast when you are safe1 but if it came to the real thing1 it might be different4' ,the brave man rose from his seat1 drew his sword1 and cut off the other arm40 8,now1 children10 ,i concluded1 8write that story1 and at the bottom say what is wrong with it40 ,the best of the boys were already chuckling3 other boys joined in more slowly3 even the careworn teacher of the class1 after staring hard at me for two or three minutes1 came up1 and confidentially informed me that he had got it1 though at first it seemed a hard thing4 ,but the girls sat dull-eyed and resentful of the novelty4 ,at the end of twenty minutes they had reproduced the story word for word2 and the most intelligent of them had appended the criticism1 8,it was very wrong of the man to cut off the arm which ,god had given him40 ,emboldened by success1 ,i tried another3 8,a ,boer farmer wished to sell his cattle to a ,scotch dealer4 ,they met at the nearest hotel and agreed that the price should be #g #ajs4 a head3 there were fifty of them1 and1 as the ,boer said he was no scholar1 the ,scotchman made out the bill2 #8fifty head of cattle at #g #ajs41' he said1 #8just #cej1' and he gave the farmer a cheque for the money1 and rode off with the cattle4 ,but the ,boer did not feel quite sure it was right2 and when he got to the next hotel1 he borrowed a ,ready ,reckoner1 which showed that the price should have been #cge4 ,full of fury1 he galloped after the ,scotchman1 caught him up1 and charged him with cheating4 8#8,eh1 man1' said the rogue1 #8what makes you think it was #cge8' 8#8,i found it in the ,ready ,reckoner at ,smith's ,hotel1' said the ,boer4 8#8,pooh1 pooh1 man1' said the other1 #8,i know that ,reckoner3 it is last year's4' 8,and the ,boer rode back content4 8,there is the story4 ,write at the end1 ,what the ,boer ought to have said40 ,it was at the end of the last century that a philosopher discovered that reproducing anecdotes was not educative3 it gave no play to the imagination3 what we wanted was original thought4 ,now the stories required attention1 concentration1 accuracy1 and considerable knowledge of the laws of composition2 and the better course would have been to add what required originality1 retaining what required accuracy4 ,but in education1 as in other things1 it is the man of one idea who moves and gets his way4 ,my stock of stories became waste paper4 ,the search for originality was too often pursued in a remarkable manner4 ,no one reads ,campbell now1 and no boy could retaliate with the lines-- 8,for there's nothing original in me ,excepting ,original ,sin40 but it was easy to offer passive resistance1 and to let the teacher do the originating4 ,the latter began by providing 8heads10 accompanied with copious comments2 then he supplied rough scribbling-books1 in which the children wrote their crude attempts4 ,then he wrote on the blackboard a jejune essay1 which the class copied verbatim into their show-books4 ,these were offered to us as the first fruits of original thought4 ,occasionally we got the real article1 and ,i treasure the following essay 7faithfully transcribed from the ,,ms47 as #ah carat gold3 ,my ,favourite ,hero4 ,a good while ago ,i heard of a man called ,arthur ,wellesley4 ,his first school he went too was in ,france4 ,he was called the ,duke of ,wellington4 ,he was a grand speaker1 and spoke about a great man named ,napolean4 ,he was captured by the ,romans and took to prison4 ,they let him off iff he would not go back to the ,britons4 ,wellington was sent to an island and he escaped in a punt and went back to his own country4 ,there he stayed for a long while when he died4 ,he was a very strong and healthy man4 ,that is genuine4 ,the following ,essay ,i give as it was told to me1 without further warranty4 ,a boy was told to write an essay on the ,seven ,ages of ,man4 ,not having read ,as you like it1 he evolved this out of his inner consciousness3 8,when he is young1 he thinks of the bad things he will do when he grows up3 this is the age of innocence4 8,when he is grown up1 he does some of them3 this is the prime of life4 8,when he is very old1 he is sorry for what he has done3 this is dotage40 ,,chapter ,,xxvii ,,needlework #8,domi mansit3 lanam fecit4'--,roman epitaph4 8,domestic ,economy and plain needlework40--,code4 8,it was ,i10 said ,dominie ,sampson1 8who did educate ,miss ,lucy in all useful learning--albeit it was the housekeeper who did teach her those unprofitable exercises of hemming and shaping40 ,the question that occurs to the professional mind1 is whether ,lucy ,bertram's skill in plain needlework was really limited to hemming1 which is the work allotted to girls of six or seven years of age2 or whether the ,dominie in his contemptuous ignorance used the term to include all varieties of stitches4 ,by 8shaping10 ,i think he meant what we call 8cutting out40 ,that is high art1 and a few years ago it was confined to quite the upper circles of an ,elementary ,school4 ,if ,lucy really could not go beyond hemming1 ,i fear she would have had some difficulty with the material when it was 8shaped03 unless1 indeed1 she made only pocket-handkerchiefs and towels4 ,to be easily satisfied with a low standard of attainments was1 in the estimation of ,my ,lords1 a mark of inefficiency4 ,this is a pity1 for ,lucy shares with ,rose ,bradwardine the unenviable distinction of being the most insipid of ,scott's heroines1 and she might have won great triumphs in needlework1 even in 8divers colours of needlework on both sides40#da ,her back-stitching should have been a model of neatness1 and her flannel patches should have drawn tears of admiration from ,h4,m4 ,inspector in ,dumfriesshire4 ,alas6 the niceties of nomenclature are already fading from my memory3 yet there was a time when ,i could deceive the very elect with my superficial jargon4 ,before #ahgf the inspection of needlework was very simple4 ,that plain needlework--none of your crochet work--should be taught to all the girls1 was a condition precedent of the annual grant4 ,in country schools there was not much fear of neglect1 for ,mrs4 ,squire and ,mrs4 ,rector kept vigilant eyes on this branch of education1 and the subscribers to the school funds often got back part of the value of their money by sending their household sewing to be done in school4 ,it was no unusual thing to find five afternoons a week entirely devoted to sewing4 8,they tell me10 said one ,lady ,bountiful1 8that the girls in ,standard ,,vi4 learn ,decimals6 ,not that ,i know what decimals are4 ,i think they should learn to sew1 don't you80 ,but ,i 8,dallied with my golden chain ,and1 smiling1 put the question by40 ,on the day of inspection the work done in the course of the year was submitted to our judgment4 ,as a rule the 8garments0 were laid out on a long table2 alternatively they were dealt out to the makers1 or to those who were credited with making something4 ,it was our duty to go on 8visiting rounds0 among the desks2 to pick up the hateful things1 to look wise2 and1 if possible1 to make an appropriate remark here and there4 ,this was a terrible ordeal2 for each girl regarded her work as the most important output of the year1 and very few had any suspicion that we lacked knowledge4 ,it happened one day that1 while ,i was thus engaged1 my driver got weary of waiting for me in the road with his dogcart1 and hailed a little maid coming out of school3 8,be the gentleman a-coming80 8,yes10 she replied1 8he's just a-lookin' at our sawin40 ,the driver was astonished3 8,what8 dew he knaw about sawin1 then80 8,i 'xpact10 said the dear child1 8he knaw a little about everythink40 ,it was a cruel judgment1 though kindly meant3 if she had said 8a very little10 she would 7within limits7 have accurately described our pretensions2 the duodecimo encyclopdia sort4 ,after one of these ordeals my assistant and ,i adjourned1 in an unusually exhausted state1 to 8,the ,crown0 for lunch4 ,it was market day1 and extra help had been hired to meet the demands of the farmers2 so that we were waited upon by a stranger1 who began by asking whether one of us had not been at 8our school0 that morning4 ,we pleaded guilty1 jointly and severally4 8,my little gel10 she went on to say1 8is wonderful put out3 she come back cryin' till she's sick4 #8,the inspector come1' she say1 #8and pick up my work1 and he look at it1 #8,larks1' he say1 #8here's a piller-slip2' and oh1 mother1 it was my shimmy1 as ,i'd took such pains with3' and she did cry ever so40 ,my assistant behaved shamefully3 he declared ,i was the culprit1 and he laughed till the tears ran down his cheeks4 ,but ,i was shocked4 ,not for worlds would ,i have had it happen3 how was ,i to know that the folded up lump of unbleached calico was a chemise and not a pillow-case8 and to this day ,i repudiate 8,lawks0 as an expletive4 ,i exhausted myself in apologies1 and thereafter ,i was careful not to betray ignorance4 ,what is a garment8 ,clearly a 8wearment02 that which one wears4 ,should it include pillow-cases1 towels and dusters8 ,custom said 8,yes10 and the output of pillow-slips--which in their simplicity of shape and manufacture called for no special skill--always seemed to me to be in excess of the possible demand4 ,in a school maintained by a bountiful ,earl ,i noticed that the schoolroom had become the workroom of the ,castle4 ,there was a liberal display of household articles1 and1 while the third class had sufficed to hem and seam them1 it had been found necessary to employ the first class to mark them with coronets4 ,this was bad4 ,tennyson would certainly have ruled that plain sewing was 8more than coronets40 ,but worse remained behind4 ,the ,castle clearly had not realised that the whole collection would be exhibited1 and there were other things1 which1 as ,miss ,griselda ,oldbuck would say1 8it does not become a leddy to particulareeze02 which ,herodotus might have declared it 8unlawful to mention02 and the sight of which would have gorgonized the ,rector's wife1 if she had been present4 ,all this 8underwear0 with the coronetted towels was laid on the table for our inspection4 ,it was very embarrassing4 ,providentially the ,ladies ,vere de ,vere did not attend the inspection4 ,allusion to these garments reminds me of a case where grave misunderstanding arose4 ,it was in the year #ahgf1 ,i suppose3 for it was in that year that the system of payment of grant was altered4 ,if a school chose to present itself for examination in certain subjects1 whereof needlework was one1 there was a grant of #bs4 per head--that is1 double the former grant--attainable in case of success4 ,but1 though the special and extended examination was optional1 the teaching of plain sewing and the display of garments were still compulsory4 ,soon after the change in the ,code ,i was at--let us call it 8,layton0--school1 the manager of which was a valued friend of mine1 and an apostle of education2 for many merits esteemed throughout the county4 ,at the end of the ordinary inspection ,i asked for the garments4 ,the mistress1 with apparent surprise1 told me there were none4 ,but1 in accordance with the ,code1 ,i insisted on seeing some as a condition of the grant3 ,i had to certify something in the formal report4 ,after some delay she produced a shirt1 and said that was all that was available4 ,i examined and cross-examined that shirt before lady managers and teachers1 and1 as ,i afterwards remembered1 covered myself with disgrace by complaining that it had no 8gusset0 somewhere3 it was pointed out to me in the plainest language1 that apparently ,i was not aware that a shirt might have either a 8gusset10 or a 8yoke10 and this had a yoke4 ,so we patched up a peace and went to lunch1 oppressor and oppressed4 ,but in the report ,i complained of the scanty supply of garments1 and some correspondence followed4 ,it was not till some days had gone by that an explanation reached me circuitously4 ,there were garments in abundance1 but they were not meet for the male eye1 and they were hidden away3 8',tis better to have sewn and hidden away ,than never to have sewn at all40 ,there are instances in the ,classical ,dictionary of males who were over-curious3 ,i forget the details1 but ,i remember that their end was disastrous4 ,fortunately on this occasion ,i was innocent in intention and unsuccessful in action4 ,but ,i sent the ,rector the following lines1 and we made friends again3 ,chorus of ,spinsters4 ,have you heard the sad news8 ,how they've dared to abuse ,the sewing our girls do at ,layton8 ,the man must be worse than ,satan6 ,what next8 ,no wonder the ,powells are vexed4 ,there's the poor dear ,rector1 ,who fed the ,inspector ,on his best ',thirty-four1 ,says he'll give him no more3 ,and ,miss ,lucy1 his daughter1 ,says she'd put him on bread and water3 ,and ,miss ,taylor1 the mistress1 ,overwhelmed with distress3 ,and pretty ,miss ,ball1 ,she's worse than them all1 ,and says 8,drat him10 ,she'd like to get at him1 ,and she's strongly inclined ,to give him a bit of her mind4 ,it's so like a man3 ,let him find1 if he can1 ,any children so good at their needles ,they come poking and prying1 ,set the teachers all crying1 ,and bully the poor things like beadles4 ,he's worse than a ,turk2 ,just look at our work3 ,we have aprons and shirts1 ,and bodies and skirts1 ,and dusters for infants to hem2 ,and sewing-on strings1 ,and a whole heap of ,,things-- ,but of course we couldn't show them4 ,there were two dozen towels ,we made for the ,powells1 ,and ten pairs of stays ,to be sent to the ,mays2 ,we darn and we mend1 ,and make things without end ,for the ,johnsons that live at the ,lodge3 ,there's fine work to be seen ,that would do for the ,queen1 ,and coarse things more suited for ,hodge4 ,one thing ,i must own1 ,we can't herringbone1 ,but they say it's no longer the mode2 ,we've no flannel to show1 ,and such garments1 you know1 ,as petticoats aren't in his ,code4 ,but we can make chemises2 ,we can knit muffeteeses1 ,or the top of a stocking-- 7they weep7 ,oh1 it's shocking1 quite shocking3 ,and he comes to our school1 ,and looks perfectly cool1 ,while we're fretting and fussing1 ,and secretly cussing1 ,and he says1 8,now1 ,miss ,t41 ,i should just like to see ,,where',s ,,your ,,sewing80 ,there's no knowing ,the spite of those terrible men3 ,so like him to ask it3 ,and ,miss ,t4 brings the basket1 ,and takes off the cover1 and then-- ,much hurt1 ,shows one shirt4 ,and he says1 8,is that all8 ,and no gusset at all8 ,there should be one here30 7,oh1 the ,,creature1 my dear47 ,then he takes it up shamefully1 ,handles it blamefully2 ,pulls it about1 ,outside in1 inside out2 ,sticks his thumbs through the cracks1 ,puts ,miss ,t4 in a wax2 ,holds it up to the light 7,as if he knew what's right71 ,and treats it so badly2 ,then shakes his head sadly-- 7they weep again7 ,and the ,things1 dear1 you know1 ,that we really can't show1 ,he pretends not to see1 ,and says1 8,really1 de-ah me60 ,and flops out of school in a huff4 ,as if one shirt wasn't enough6 ,oh1 what will become of the ,grant8 ,he surely won't dare--no1 he can't-- ,to fine us3 it wouldn't be fair3 ,but if he should try1 ,i declare1 ,we have made up our minds1 and we mean1 ,to take all those ,,things to the ,,queen1 ,and ask her opinion1 ,and whether her ,,minion ,is to trample on women like this3 ,and if she'll be pleased to dismiss ,her bold-faced ,inspector1 ,who bearded our ,rector1 ,and says we can't sew1 ,when we only can't shew6 ,it was said that the simple inspection of garments was not always so simple as the inspector4 ,a lady manager of a country school told me how in primitive times the dame who taught sewing in her parish had annually beguiled my remote predecessor4 ,every year at the end of the examination he called for the garments1 and every year she handed him a shirt3 every year he examined it with care1 and every year he praised it in the report on the school4 8,and1 ,mr4 ,kynnersley10 she added1 8it was always the same shirt1 and1 to begin with1 it was not made in the school at all1 but by a woman in the village40 ,there are some who 8through faith have obtained a good report10 but in this case the faith was on the reporter's side4 ,conceive the greatness of the fraud1 and the depth of ,h4,m4,i4's ignorance6 for either the shirt must have grown yellow with age1 or it must have been washed annually3 and washed garments were forbidden exhibits4#db ,as years went on1 one grew more skilful in criticism4 ,by painful experience one learnt to avoid certain pitfalls2 for the old-fashioned dames who taught sewing were very outspoken in their comments4 8,yew gentlemen don't knaw nawthin about it3 thet ain't the right way far tew try it10 said one of these beldames to me1 when ,i tested the strength of a darned stocking by putting my fingers through the darned places4 ,she turned on my assistant1 who was gazing with an air of profound wisdom at some masterpiece1 8,thet's the wrong side far tew luke at10 and she turned it round1 in spite of his prompt assertion that he always liked to see both sides4 ,at another school1 where ,mrs4 ,squire was deeply interested in the sewing1 ,i had basely retreated into the class-room1 while my excellent assistant of that period was commenting freely on the work4 ,to my dismay the dear old lady came to me in a state midway between choking mirth and gnawing indignation4 8,really1 it is too ridiculous10 she said at last1 8to see you gentlemen pretending to judge of needlework3 there is ,mr4 ,pluckham1 doesn't know the difference between feather-stitch and herring-bone40 ,i had never heard of feather-stitch1 but ,i took the earliest opportunity of making its acquaintance4 ,i have already alluded to the change in the ,code1 which made the full grant for sewing depend chiefly on the merit of the work done before our eyes4 ,there was a list of appropriate exercises1 and to each girl was allotted one of these1 to be completed in a given time4 ,this was the death knell of the old sewing mistresses4 ,they could not teach a class1 though they were often very successful with individuals1 and now grants were in danger4 ,the exigency of the hour required new tricks to impose on the unsuspecting inspector4 ,it happened one day that ,i had taken away with me the worked specimens--fragments of linen1 calico1 and flannel about three or four inches square1 showing various stitches--and asked a skilled needlewoman to give me her opinion4 ,she laughed me to scorn3 it was machine work4 ,i laughed her to scorn3 ,i was not so easily taken in3 ,i had seen the work done before my eyes in the ,board ,school2 there was no machine in the room4 ,the reply was1 that what ,i saw worked in school was not what ,i brought away4 ,we differed1 and the full grant was paid4 ,some years afterwards my eyes were opened4 ,a lady who took much interest in the girls' sewing1 and with whom ,i had annual and delightful encounters1 taunted me and the male sex generally with our incapacity to judge of needlework1 and also with our hopeless gullibility4 ,there was a school1 she said--but nothing should induce her to reveal the name--where the mistress did all the specimens which ,i thought were worked by the girls1 and these were cleverly palmed off on me in substitution for the patches1 c41 on which ,i had seen the children engaged4 ,i asked no questions1 but my colleague and ,i1 as we went home1 ran over in our minds the schools within a convenient radius4 ,there was only one of doubtful character1 and thither my colleague went next month in the ordinary course4 ,the girls had their sewing given out1 and the work was going on in the usual way1 when suddenly he noticed that each girl had a work-bag tied round her waist1 and his suspicions were aroused4 8,what is in the bags80 8,oh1 nothing3 just the usual sewing materials40 ,he examined several3 ,mary's bag contained a flannel patch complete3 ,jane had a neat piece of back-stitching3 ,susan had a button-hole complete3 ,harriet had so many rows of knitting4 ,he reported to me4 ,then ,i saw it all4 ,that old story of the ,board ,school came back to mind3 the work was machined1 and the girls1 or the teachers--let us hope that the teachers did not make the girls parties to the fraud--had 8palmed it0 with a little sleight of hand1 and perhaps a little appropriate 8patter40 ,but such cases must have been rare2 whereas in the days of exhibited garments1 detection being almost impossible1 anything may have been done4 ,in one large town it was rumoured that there was a dept which lent out on hire garments for the day of inspection4 ,this may be regarded as evidence not so much of what was done1 as of what was possible4 ,it is certain that in some other schools the best girls made all the garments1 and the work of the inefficient was suppressed4 ,when the ,code made fraud too easy1 ,i blamed the ,code4 ,in those days every pupil-teacher1 and every woman sitting for a certificate1 had to present to the ,inspector a garment as evidence of her skill as a needlewoman3 and on this she got marks which counted for the examination4 ,there was nothing on earth to show that the presenter of the garment had made it1 and of course one could not ask questions4 8,i am surprised that ,mary ,jane has failed10 said a schoolmistress of my acquaintance1 8she wasn't that bad at sums1 and it wasn't for her needlework1 for ,i did that myself40 ,oh1 ,adam6 ,when we remember that he had no one to associate with but ,eve1 we cease to wonder that his moral sense weakened4 8,she gave me of the tree40 ,one more reminiscence4 ,lady managers often would say to me1 8,why don't the girls learn to sew8 ,they come here as servants1 after having been in the school for years1 and they can't do a thing80 ,i heard this repeated for years1 and could not reply4 ,nor indeed did ,i pay much heed3 lady managers were always on the warpath4 ,but one day ,i mentioned the gravamen to a colleague1 and asked how he explained this failure of our system of education4 8,pooh1 pooh10 he replied1 8did you ever hear of the monkeys on the ,west ,coast of ,africa1 or somewhere1 who1 according to the natives1 could talk if they liked1 but they won't1 because1 if they did1 they would have to work8 ,that is what is the matter with our girls4 ,they go out to service1 and if they confess that they can sew1 they are put on to do all the household sewing1 besides their regular work3 so they pretend they are useless and the #8missus' gets a machine40 ,it may be so3 it is only married men who are in a position to reveal the secret workings of domestic life4 8,when you're a married man10 said ,mr4 ,weller1 8you'll understand a good many things as you don't understand now0--,i commend the rest of his profound utterance to the attention of the reader4 ,it occurs in ,chapter ,,xxvii4 of ,pickwick4#dc ,,footnotes3 #da ,this form of double tapestry must have been difficult of execution4 ,how did they hide the stitches on #8the wrong side'8 #db ,because to work cleanly counts for merit1 and washing pre-supposes dirt4 #dc 8,but vether it's worth while goin' through so much1 to learn so little1 as the charity-boy said ven he got to the end of the alphabet1 is a matter o' taste4 ,i rayther think it isn't40 ,,chapter ,,xxviii ,,upheaval 8,bless thee1 ,bottom1 bless thee1 thou art translated40 ,midsummer ,night's ,dream4 ,in #aijb came ,mr4 ,balfour's great ,education ,act1 putting the whole control of all ,public ,elementary ,schools 7exceptis rebus divinis1 in ,baconian phrase7 into the hands of the local authorities4 ,this altered the whole machinery of inspection4 ,hitherto our districts had been limited by the boundaries of large boroughs1 or of poor law unions1 though we had nothing to do with corporations1 or guardians4 ,now1 if ,i might borrow the words of ,froude in the purplest of his purple patches1 8the paths trodden by the footsteps of ages were broken up40 ,henceforth our little domains were to be co-extensive with a county1 or with one or more large towns4 ,a new ,secretary to the ,board of ,education was appointed1 8with fear of change perplexing 7our7 monarch's0 inspectors4 ,where is my ,ravenshoe8 8,when the head of a great family dies1 relations are changed entirely between some score or two of persons4 ,the dog of to-day is not the dog of yesterday4444 ,perhaps even the old hound wonders whether he is to keep his old place by the fire or no2 and younger brothers bite their nails1 and wonder1 too1 about many things40 ,towards the end of the year ,i1 among others1 was summoned to the ,office and had my interview4 ,in a few days came the announcement that ,i was appointed to the care of ,manchester1 and at the same time to the ,chief ,inspectorship of the ,north-,western ,division4 ,the local paper1 which reported the change to a disconsolate city1 declared in picturesque language that ,i was to rule from the ,mersey to the ,solway1 and from the ,pennine ,range to the ,calf of ,man4 ,in other words1 the ,division included ,lancashire1 ,cumberland1 ,westmorland1 and the ,isle of ,man4 ,there were advantages and disadvantages1 with which ,i need not trouble the reader4 ,when ,bishop ,stubbs was moved from ,chester to ,oxford1 he said1 with his accustomed humour1 that1 8like ,homer1 he suffered from translation40 ,what should ,i lose or gain from my translation8 ,i soliloquised for a while1 like ,hamlet1 whether to bear those ills ,i had1 or fly to others that ,i knew not of2 but1 unlike ,hamlet1 ,i chose the latter1 because1 in any case1 it could not be for more than four years1 whereas ,hamlet contemplated a considerably longer stay in his undiscovered bourne4 ,i did myself the honour to accept1 and assumed charge of the children of #fjj1jjj people in the district1 and of about #e1jjj1jjj in the ,division4 ,in a few months ,cumberland and ,westmorland were1 to my great regret1 taken from me1 and ,cheshire1 more convenient but less beautiful1 was substituted4 ,the ,division then consisted of the two ,counties ,palatine#dd and the ,isle of ,man4 ,there was a staff of about forty-five inspectors and sub-inspectors1 whose diurnal and annual revolutions ,i was supposed to oversee4 ,at the time of this alteration ,i also exchanged the title of ,chief ,inspector for that of ,divisional ,inspector4 ,the substitution of five syllables for one is always to be deprecated1 but that was the limit of my injury4 ,what are the duties of a ,senior1 or ,chief1 or ,divisional ,inspector8 7,i have lived to see the three dynasties47 ,it is difficult to sum them up concisely4 ,the professional reader knows them already3 the unprofessional reader would not be interested4 ,briefly ,i may say1 that he has to see that the ,district ,inspectors and their staff do their work1 and maintain the requisite standard of education2 he has to advise the staff in all cases of difficulty2 he has to hold enquiries in cases of dispute between the ,district ,inspector and the local authority4 ,also he has to attend conferences at the ,office1 and to advise the ,board 8before any important change is made40 ,lastly1 he had in alternate years to compile a ,blue ,book report on the state of education in the ,division4 ,i may say at once that the two last duties gave me little or no trouble4 ,when ,i resigned1 there had been no conference for eighteen months1 and no divisional reports have been required for five years4 ,i cannot say that the conferences were profitable to the nation3 in fact1 so far as ,i remember1 they were chiefly confined to questions of official organisation2 but they gave one a convenient opportunity of meeting old colleagues at the expense of the ,consolidated ,fund4 ,the ,blue ,book report--if ,i may quote ,mr4 ,curdle#de--8;as an exquisite embodiment of the 7,inspector's7 visions1 and a realisation of human intellectuality1 gilding with refulgent light our dreamy moments1 and laying open a new and magic world before the mental eye1 is gone1 perfectly gone40 ,i cannot say whether the ,board suspected that no one read the reports2 or whether in its positively ,russian dread of individual opinion1 it disliked the appearance in print of such crude ideas as might survive a triple censorship4 ,so long as ,i was not asked to compile the hateful thing1 ,i was content4 ,the most important duty of the ,divisional ,chief has been forgotten4 ,it was to preside over an annual conference of his suffragans1 which began with discussion of educational topics of present interest1 and ended with lunch4 ,i shall always retain pleasant recollections of those spring meetings at ,derby1 when ,i sat at the hospitable board of my good old chief1 ,mr4 ,blandford1 and his successors1 and ,i did my best to carry on the tradition at ,manchester4 ,as for the 8topics10 they served their turn4 ,then the 8agenda paper0 evolved the menu4 ,it is obvious that an official who discharged these duties efficiently would be very valuable2 and the ,royal ,commission1 which enquired into ,civil ,service organisation1 proposed#df to assist him by relieving him of his 8small0 district work2 7,,small1 they said674 ,so far from following this suggestion1 the ,board have steadily increased the local work by enlarging the areas and diminishing the subordinate staff2 so that in my last half year1 when the district population had increased to #hhj1jjj1 though ,i had a splendid staff in number and in efficiency1 ,i found my time and energies entirely absorbed by local claims4 ,fortunately1 the ,division could boast an admirable body of ,district ,inspectors1 and appeals and enquiries were exceedingly rare4 ,i gave myself up to ,manchester and ,salford4 ,hitherto ,i had regarded ,manchester as the place where one changed trains if one wanted to go from ,chester to ,york4 ,the ,london and ,north ,western thoughtfully arranges an interval of an hour or more1 and there is time to stroll into the town4 ,there is a river more gloomy than the ,styx1 more foul than the ,pegnitz of ,nuremberg1 or a back canal of ,venice at low water4 ,beyond that is a cathedral1 smoke-begrimed outside1 filled with an impenetrable gloom inside4 ,beyond the cathedral ,i had never ventured1 for it usually rains1 and there is an oft recurrent fog4 ,in this town ,i was to spend four years1 if ,i survived4 ,when you have realised the rain and the fog1 and the smoke1 you begin to grasp the ceaseless uproar of traffic4 ,there are electric trams screaming1 and whirring1 and clanging1 and crashing4 ,there are lorries1 chiefly laden with mineral-water bottles1 which make a specially irritating rattle1 and jar4 ,there are drays groaning under the weight of huge bales of calico4 ,and everywhere there is stone pavement2 granite setts1 that multiply1 and intensify the clanging and crashing and groaning4 ,and this granite paving is not confined to the main thoroughfares1 where the wear and tear of traffic might almost justify a poverty-stricken corporation in its selection2 might at least reduce the charge of sleep-murder to culpable somnicide3 it extends over the whole town4 ,a few1 a very few favoured spots have a short stretch of wooden pavement3 everywhere else1 even in the most remote side street of a back quarter1 there is granite4 ,this does not strike a ,manchester man as being objectionable4 ,how could it do so8 ,when the ,romans built ,mancunium they laid down a stone-paved road1 and the roads in ,manchester have ever since been stone-paved1 and what ,manchester has always done is right4 ,they even build schools on the edges of these 8stony griefs02 and while ,i was there1 ,i used to watch day by day the gradual rise of an enormous hospital bounded by one of the noisiest of main thoroughfares4 ,that was not my business1 but the schools were my business1 and ,i never ceased to protest against the tortures inflicted on teachers and children in those places4 ,my particular bugbear was a ,board ,school in the ,pandemonium ,road1 a still noisier street than the one chosen for the hospital patients4 ,during school hours there is seldom a lull in the infernal din4 ,and there was no conceivable reason why the school should not have been built at the back1 except that the ,school ,board wanted to shine before men1 and to allow the passer-by to see the magnificence of a ,manchester ,board ,school4 ,the noise of the street was so overwhelming1 that arrangements were made to work the school in 8shifts10 each class taking one month of noise in a class-room facing the street1 and a month of comparative quiet on the opposite side of the building4 ,on the noisy side you might see the teachers1 with careworn faces and outstretched necks1 striving to make their voices cut through the cross waves of sound2 and you would see the children1 with knitted brows and open mouths1 straining their ears to catch what was said1 and at times shaking their heads in despair1 and sinking back into their seats with resignation1 as who should say1 8,i have done my best1 but after all it is your look-out more than mine40 ,there were two other schools1 both ,board 7or ,council7 schools1 in the same plight3 many were but slightly less tormented4 ,some had been planted in remote streets1 and the electric tram lines had broken in on their retirement1 not only destroying their peace1 but threatening the children with dismemberment4 ,the obvious remedy was wood pavement outside the schools4 ,this was conceded to churches and chapels1 that were open two or three times on ,sundays1 and once or twice in the week3 but schools1 that were at work for five hours and a half five days a week1 and where it was important that one should hear what was said1 were denied so much relief4 ,remonstrance was in vain4 ,the inordinate self-satisfaction of ,manchester was never more apparent than in this instance3 8,just look at our traffic40 ,their traffic6 ,if they could only see ,oxford ,street1 or the ,strand1 and take the evidence of men who remembered the old granite pavement there6 ,noise was not the worst of their offences4 ,many of the school buildings1 church1 chapel1 ,roman ,catholic1 and board1 were incredibly bad4 ,in a note-book ,i have a record of my last visit to ,hewitt ,street ,council ,school1 on a ,november afternoon in a thick yellow fog4 ,one hundred and forty-three boys in four classes were being taught in a large hall3 the windows were shut to keep out the fog1 and from eighty to a hundred gas-jets were adding pollution to the poisoned air3 thirty-two more boys were struggling for existence in a small and vilely-lighted classroom4 ,both rooms were on the second floor3 on the ground floor india-rubber was stored3 on the first floor there was calico3 there was only one staircase4 ,if a fire had broken out on either of the two lower floors1 hardly a child could have escaped2 for the thick smoke mounting upwards would have proved as deadly as fire-damp4 ,after this it is hardly worth noting that there was not a foot of playground2 the boys played in the street4 ,and this1 remember1 was thirty-five years after the formation of the first ,school ,board for ,manchester4 ,two years later1 in #aijg1 the school was closed4 ,do not suppose that these horrors were confined to ,manchester2 many less important towns in the district might plead that they had their standards of comfort and decency lowered by the example of their capital4 ,there is a range of hills running from the ,scotch border to the ,peak1 known to geography book writers 7but not locally7 as the ,pennine ,range4 ,on the west side of this range lay my division1 and from ,preston to ,congleton there was a succession of large manufacturing towns1 differing from one another in some respects1 but agreeing in their notions of school building4 ,the root idea was a large main room1 having1 if possible1 a raised platform1 or das1 at one end1 and several small classrooms4 ,the main room should be from thirty-four to forty feet wide3 it would be admirably adapted for ,sunday school1 and the superintendent should sit on the platform to direct the storm4 ,the classrooms would hold from twenty to thirty children on the eight square feet allowance of the ,education ,department3 the walls might be lined with cupboards to hold the crockery for tea parties1 and the assorted literature of the ,band of ,hope and other societies2 also the ,band of ,hope's big drum1 and the huge tea-urns4 ,the societies would meet in the main room1 and the best classroom would serve for the committee to assemble in4 ,there would be no cloak-room1 and no washing-room4 ,incidentally the rooms would be used for day-school purposes3 in this way the repairs of the fabric1 and a good deal of the gas and coal bills1 and cleaning expenses would be provided for2 and if a really energetic schoolmaster could be found to farm the school1 he would certainly relieve the managers of any financial liability1 and might even be induced to pay a comfortable rent1 thereby strengthening the ,cause4 ,a very convenient addition to the scheme was to build the school underneath a chapel1 more or less in a basement--this economised space4 ,for some years the plan worked well4 ,then trouble arose1 as new inspectors arose1 and propounded startling theories of health and comfort4 ,some men went so far as to assert that a schoolroom #cd feet wide1 with four rows of desks on either side of a central gangway--8double-banked0 is the technical name--was intolerably noisy3 and that classrooms1 which1 even if cleared of the cupboards1 and tea-urns1 held only twenty-five children1 were insanitary when sixty-five were black-holed in them4 ,but the managers were very powerful1 and the school-farmers 7lineal descendants of the ,syrian publicani7 commanded many votes4 ,lancashire and ,cheshire ,m4,p4's wrote private letters to the ,vice-,president denouncing the misplaced zeal of the ,inspector3 or they called at the ,office and talked to the ,secretary4 ,all the powers of obstruction were used4 ,the ,roman ,catholics kept an ,archbishop1 a ,duke1 and an ,earl in readiness3 8,with belted sword and spur on heel ,they quitted not their harness bright1 ,neither by day1 nor yet by night10 and the ,wesleyans had their doughty champion at the ,westminster ,training ,college1 who 8,carved at the meal ,with gloves of steel1 ,and he drank the red wine through the helmet barred40 ,these flocked to the ,office1 and the ,secretary for the time being threw all his children to the wolves1 on condition that the wolves went away4 ,do you call this exaggeration8 ,well1 ,i will not insist on the barred helmet2 and the 8red wine0 may have been toast and water4 ,but for the rest1 the story is true in essentials4 ,in #aijc ,i was taken by a colleague to a ,wesleyan school in one of the cotton towns1 and was shown the buildings which1 in a former year1 ,mundella1 when ,vice-,president of the ,department1 had denounced to the managers3 he had added the offensive remark1 in the presence of the ,district ,inspector1 that he 8could not understand how ,h4,m4 ,inspector allowed such a building to be recognised40 ,that official placidly murmured1 8,i will tell you about that downstairs10 and when they were outside1 he said1 8,i have done all ,i could to get the place shut up1 but your ,office has always blocked me40 ,did ,mundella go by an early train to ,whitehall to insist on immediate justice8 8,that10 continued my colleague1 8was twenty-five years ago1 and the school has gone on ever since40 ,the ,circular of #ahic1 issued by ,mr4 ,acland with the aim of securing sanitary buildings1 has already been mentioned4 ,how other places escaped just condemnation ,i know not2 but from careful study of portfolios ,i discovered that ,manchester won through the nineteenth century by the policy of ,fabius4 ,in #aijd ,i visited a horrible den1 squalid1 noisy1 noisome1 then under the ,manchester ,committee1 and ,i reported its defects in full4 ,the ,committee replied that they had appointed a sub-committee to look out for a site for a new school4 ,what more could be expected8 ,but ,i turned to the previous correspondence1 and there ,i read that in #ahid my predecessor had denounced the school1 and that the ,school ,board had replied1 8,a sub-committee has been appointed to look out for a new site40 ,one can picture the relief of the ,department in #ahid on finding that their suggestion had received due attention1 and the relief of the ,school ,board on finding that the ,department was so easily pacified4 ,as a searcher ,diogenes was not more unsuccessful4 ,in the twentieth century the patience of ,whitehall had been exhausted4 ,on my predecessor's report a considerable number of these dens had been condemned1 and their dates of execution had been fixed4 ,but1 like ,prior's ,thief1 they 8,seem'd not in great haste that the show should begin3 ,now fitted the halter1 now traversed the cart1 ,and often took leave1 but seem'd loath to depart10 and1 as in the well-known ,rheims case1 8nobody seem'd one penny the worse40 ,the ,act of #aijb1 however1 gave new life to the champions of health4 ,we demanded execution of the condemned1 and proceeded to draw up a fearful list of new indictments against other offenders4 ,looking down the list of schools1 though time and imperfect memory have already confused ,north ,street with ,south ,street1 and ,st4 ,john's ,c4,e4 with ,st4 ,john's ,r4,c41 it is easy to pick out #ej habitual criminals1 who were brought up for correction4 ,the contest raged fiercely over the whole town2 emissaries from the local authorities hurried up to ,london and besieged the doors of the ,board2 the ,post ,office groaned under the protests2 architects of the ,board visited and reported2 the great ,panjandrum himself1 with the little round button on top1 was called in2 and still we fought4 ,in some parts of the field we won easily2 every ,wesleyan school in the town was condemned and temporarily transferred2 after a desperate fight a group of four of the worst offenders received sentence4 ,hewitt ,street1 as ,i said before1 is gone2 reversing ,disraeli's epigram1#dg it is not only d----d1 it is dead4 ,the others are1 ,i suppose1 still in the former stage4 ,and all the time the usual struggle with the ,code went on1 varied now with resistance to an attack from the local authority2 now with presentment of a cold shoulder to obstruction offered by the ,teachers' ,union2 now with the soothing of indignant managers1 upon whose toes all the other parties were treading4 ,it was only in the intervals between the recitation of ,standard ,v4 and the geography of ,standard ,,vi4 that one had time to notice that the rooms in which both classes were taught were unfit for human habitation2 it was only on a chance visit to a cookery or woodwork class that one discovered1 that the instruction was given in what the local authority called a basement1 and ,i called a cellar2 it was only on a similar chance visit to a school that ,i discovered abominations which almost took away my appetite for dinner4 ,and it was only after escaping from the day's drudgery that ,i had even short leisure to study the people1 far too short a time to be able to give any reasoned account of them4 ,a pilgrim may report his impressions of manners and customs1 but he cannot generalise on character4 ,true that the ,manchester folk made no attempt to conceal their failings1 or to conciliate the casual visitor4 ,i have mentioned the 8inordinate self-satisfaction0 of the city1 but it would be better to describe it as an over-full recognition of its own surpassing merits3 let us not suppose that it went far beyond a just claim4 ,there went with it a certain consciousness that in the wear and tear of crowded life the amenities of society were a little neglected4 ,it was told me with a strange delight that the commercial travellers1 and others1 speak of ,manchester men1 and ,liverpool gentlemen1 and it was averred that the former put on silk hats when they journeyed to do business with the latter4 ,i mentioned this double tribute to a ,liverpool resident1 and he replied that he had not noticed it4 ,now1 what did he mean8 ,was it that the ,liverpool gentlemen4448 or that he had not seen the silk hats8 ,it is better not to ask too many questions4 ,but the absence of pretence is sometimes itself a pretence1 and the people are not so black as they paint themselves4 ,let us be reasonable4 ,if the dwellers in ,manchester had been more richly endowed with beauty1 grace1 courtesy1 and so on1 would they have continued to live in ,manchester8 ,or would not other cities have enticed away men who combined these merits with the intelligence and activity which have produced the ,ship ,canal1 and the ,technological ,museum8 ,we do not expect to find pine-apples in the ,hebrides1 or violets in the ,sahara4 ,dipping into a volume of ,burns1 ,i came to some lines so exactly suitable to the occasion1 that ,i cannot do better than conclude with them1 after the manner of ,addison3 8,but fare ye weel1 auld ,nickie-ben1 ,o wad ye tak' a thought an' men' ,ye aiblins might--,i dinna ken-- ,still hae a stake3 ,i'm wae to think upo' yon den1 ,ev'n for your sake40 ,,footnotes3 #dd ,note that ,i fully admit the right of the ,county of ,durham to this meaningless title1 and also to immunity from me4 #de 8,nicholas ,nickleby10 chapter xxiv4 #df 8,that it would tend to secure a greater uniformity of standard among the ,inspectors1 if the chief ,inspectors ceased to have charge of small districts of their own1 and confined themselves to the larger areas which they have to supervise1 c41 c410 p4 #gf1 ,report4 #dg 8,protection10 said ,mr4 ,disraeli1 8is not only dead1 it is d----d40 ,a modern ,protectionist would lament that the statesman did not read ,alton ,locke1 published before the utterance1 ch4 xxii3 8,and sae the deevil's dead4444 ,at ony rate ,i'd no bury him till he began smell a wee strong like4 ,it's a grewsome thing1 is premature interment1 ,alton1 laddie60 ,,chapter ,,xxix ,,isle ,,of ,,man 8,bold words affirmed1 in days when faith was strong1 ,and doubts and scruples seldom teased the brain1 ,that no adventurer's bark had power to gain ,these shores if he approached them bent on wrong40 ,wordsworth4#dh ,the question was often put to me1 ,why should the ,manchester inspectors visit the ,isle of ,man8 ,they have to cross the territory of at least three friendly colleagues to reach it1 and surely they have enough to do at home8 ,but the satisfying answer was that with no less inducement could the ,manchester staff be kept together4 ,when ,i was transferred to that ,city of ,dreadful ,night1 ,i was inclined to think that ,the ,island1 as we affectionately called it1 was a ,heligoland1 a ,philippine ,island3 let who will1 take it4 ,but the ,manchester staff soon undeceived me4 8,we work10 said they1 with tears in their manly eyes1 8in smoke1 fog1 and gas-light for five or six months in the year3 if it were not for the ,island we should die3 keep the brightest jewel in your diadem40 ,and1 therefore1 when the ,board hinted that ,i was overpeopled1 and that without the ,i4,o4,m4 ,i should be poorer but happier1 ,i replied with the familiar ,terentian words1 8,,humani nihil a me alienum puto40 7,all that is of ,man1 is mine47 ,in the following ,may came my first ,essay on ,man4 ,certainly1 as the crew of ,ulysses sang1 8,our island home is distant far40 ,there is a great gulf fixed between ,liverpool and ,douglas1 and out of the tourist season1 when only the smaller boats are running1 one is tempted to think that the ,liverpool inspector1 who probably examines night-schools in 8,the ,principles of ,navigation10 is a fitter man for the post than one whose nautical ideas are limited by the ,ship ,canal and the ,pennine ,range4 ,but the sight of ,douglas ,bay1 the clear sky1 the pure air1 and the quiet of the night--before the trippers arrive--bring consolation1 and then content4 ,a classical friend hailed me as m1 ,king of ,man1 but that really was an exaggeration4 ,i had no pretensions to the rank of ,agamemnon4 ,the island belongs to the ,british ,crown3 there is a governor1 and some deemsters1 besides ,mr4 ,hall ,caine1 and a second-class bishop4 ,all these dignitaries1 and others1 take precedence of ,h4,m4,i4 ,it is somewhat of a mild coincidence that ,i began my inspecting career in the ,welsh ,mona1 and1 thirty-five years later1 ended with the ,northern ,mona4 ,the latter is not a large island1 about twenty-five miles from north to south1 and about twelve across4 ,the more familiar ,isle of ,wight is about two-thirds of the size1 but has nearly double the population4 ,this inequality is1 doubtless1 partly due to the fact that the census is taken on the first ,monday in ,april1 when ,wight is full and ,man is empty4 ,if the first ,monday in ,august could have been substituted1 ,man would have made a braver show4 ,thus is the dignity of ,man sacrificed to a pedantic love of accuracy4 ,and while comparing the two1 let me pause to note that ,wihtgaresbyrig1 the old name of the southern isle1 had presumably nothing to do with a wight1 or man1 and that ,mannin1 the old name of our isle1 had nothing to do with a man or wight2 but that the forces of erosion and attrition have made one into a ,wight and the other into a ,man4 ,to the ordinary tourist the island is unknown4 ,a lady whom ,i asked whether she knew it1 enquired with some surprise if it was a place to which people went4 ,but1 in the summer1 trippers from ,lancashire and ,cheshire come in hundreds of thousands2 there is the pleasing punishment of a four hours' sea voyage2 on the island there is cheap board and lodging1 with magnificent air and varied scenery4 ,our visits were1 perforce1 concluded before the mass of the trippers arrived1 and rather before the warm weather set in2 but it was a delightful break in the monotony of town work4 ,our school journeys did not take us into the ,glens1 which are the pride of the ,manxman2 and the rest of the country is rather pretty than beautiful4 ,but in ,may and ,june we had all the charm of wild flowers1 the fresh green of the beeches1 and the splendour of the gorse and the broom4 ,song birds abounded in the plantations1 and on the coast sea-birds did their best to prove that personal beauty is compatible with the entire absence of a musical faculty4 ,walter ,scott makes the island the scene of part of ,peveril of the ,peak2 but it does not appear from his life1 or from his journal--still less does the novel show--that he ever set foot there4 ,wordsworth wrote some fine sonnets on the island1 from one of which ,i have borrowed the lines at the head of the chapter4 ,mr4 ,hall ,caine1 of course1 has done ample justice to the traditions and local colour4 ,it is some years since ,i read1 and much enjoyed1 ,the ,manxman and ,the ,deemster1 and at the times of reading ,i was in blackest ignorance of the scenery4 ,to me the ,sacred ,bard of the island was ,t4 ,e4 ,brown1 whose letters1#di and especially those from the island1 ,i read and re-read4 ,i skimmed through a good deal of his poetry also1 in the hope of finding something suitable for the ,manx children to learn1 but there was little or nothing of that special kind1 and the teachers would have none of it4 ,we are told that ,browning1 ,george ,eliot1 ,max ,mller1 and ,w4 ,e4 ,henley united in praising his poetry very highly1 but his dialect poems are the most admired1 and teachers wage war against dialect4 ,i wonder whether ,scotch children learn ,burns8 ,the ,letters1 however1 are a priceless treasure2 and the island which produced him1 and introduced me to them1 earns from me a double share of gratitude4 ,dip into vol4 i4 if you see no chance of personally inspecting his haunts3 ,the island blooms like a rose4 ,primroses make no secret of it now--they are everywhere1 and begin to bring with them young blue-bells1 8ter'ble shoy10 but they'll soon get over that4 ,i went up ,sulby ,glen a bit the other day3 the gorse there1 as elsewhere1 is a mass of golden flame2 and ,i heard the cuckoo4444 ,ballaglass is delicious in the sunlight with the beechen spray breathing over it4 ,also its primroses are good1 also its blue-bells4 ,as yet the blue-bells are hesitant or apologetic4 ,of course you know that later on they will attend the funeral of the primroses with a mighty mourning of hyacinthine blooms2 and then they will become quite cheeky and truculent1 and make the ground their own4 ,hills above the ,gob-y-volley at the mouth of ,sulby ,glen1 twice2 perfection of gorse hassocks1 tufted with bell-heather1 also of ling in sheets1 sprinkled with the bell-heather--the sea-rim rounding all with glorious blue--the steamer going round the island with an almost impudent familiarity of approach1 like a 8,cotton0#ej throwing his arms round the neck of a pretty ,manx country-girl--8smookin1 too1 the dirt40 ,only fragmentary glimpses of these scenes were vouchsafed to us1 but they were enough to enhance our enjoyment of the book4 ,schools were our urgent suitors2 they engrossed our attention1 and what we saw of the beauties of nature was1 in the main1 what we passed on our way to and from schools4 ,of the schools themselves there is little to be said that could interest even a professional reader4 ,they are for the most part hampered by poverty4 ,not that the island is poor1 though it produces little1 and the harvest of the sea is sorely reduced at present2 the trippers are a copper-mine of wealth4 ,it is said that on an average each visitor spends at least a sovereign1 and ,i have heard the income calculated at #a1ejj1jjj4 ,a fair proportion of this must reach the farmers1 but it requires a specially high tide to bring it to the door of the school4 ,it must be remembered that the island is afflicted with ,home ,rule4 ,it pays #aj1jjj a year to the ,imperial ,exchequer1 and manages its own affairs4 ,no ,act of the ,imperial ,parliament affects it1 unless it is specially named4 ,certain ,acts are adopted by ,tynwald 7the ,insular ,parliament7 when they are considered suitable4 ,but the ,education ,act of #aijb1 substituting a central authority for the parochial organisation1 and increasing the ,government contribution1 was not so adopted4 ,therefore the twenty-one ,school ,boards1 with #a1jjj worth of clerks1 c41 remain to manage the forty-seven schools1 and teachers find their salaries so low that they seek their fortunes across the water4 ,no doubt the island suffers1 as all tourist places in our country suffer1 from ,parasitism2 and the sentence which ,mr4 ,drummond1 in his chapter on that social disease1 quotes from ,professor ,ray ,lankester1 should be pondered in all such resorts3 ,any new set of conditions occurring to an animal which render its food and safety very easily attained1 seem to lead as a rule to degeneration4--8,natural ,law1 c410 p4 #cag4 ,for ten weeks or so there are crowded hours of prosperity3 then comes the long period of retrospection1 followed by a longer period of anticipation1 neither being remunerative4 ,even in the season of prosperity ,i doubt if the contemplation of ,lancashire trippers1 frequently tripping1 can be any more beneficial to the parasite than it is pleasant to the philosophic onlooker4 7,see ,t4 ,e4 ,brown1 passim47 ,of other work than agriculture there is little3 there is some--,i know not how much--lead-mining3 the herring and the mackerel have all but deserted the coasts2 men say that the steam-trawlers have ruined the trade4 ,the really serious cloud on the horizon is the want of a career open to talent3 young men who have brains1 or ambition--still more those who have both--seek their fortunes in a larger market1 and the tendency to fill up the gaps with the weedy poitrinaire1 and the seedy genteel indigent1 is still more alarming4 ,as for the children--the #h1ggd children--,i lost my heart to them individually and collectively4 ,but ,i received no encouragement4 ,they are very shy1 8ter'ble shoy10 in ,mr4 ,brown's dialect4 ,in most schools they never see a stranger1 except the inspector2 and though by the desire of the ,council we made a point of visiting every school twice a year1 there was no time to establish an acquaintance1 and the second visit was paid by a different official4 ,in an oral examination it was most difficult to get an answer even from the boys3 the girls sat mute1 blushing1 trembling4 ,in ,cheshire phrase1 ,i 8got no forrader40 ,the ,manx language is almost extinct4 ,at the last census #d1ejj people1 out of about #ej1jjj1 recorded themselves as ,manx-speaking1 but we must not suppose that anything like this number was monoglott4 ,in the district between ,peel and ,port ,erin on the west coast there is a school1 where ,i was told that the children heard little but ,manx at home2 but ,i have never heard it spoken4 ,on my first visit to ,douglas ,i was under the impression that the children in the streets were talking ,manx2 but it turned out to be ,english with all the short syllables eliminated4 ,this local variety is much in use in school4 ,the children pitch their voices high1 and rise by an imperfect fifth on the last word2 thus they would chant on and around ,a1 and would end on ,e flat4 ,it is strange that a very similar inflexion is in use in parts of ,norfolk4 ,the ,manx school recitation of poetry is conducted on this principle1 and the effect is this--the italic representing the high note 7,merchant of ,venice2 ,trial ,scene73 ,portia3 ,th' qualt' merc's not streen'd3 't droppth 's gentl' reen f'm heav'n 'pon th' pleece b'neeth3 'ts twice bless'd3 't blessth him th't gives1 'nim th't teeks3 's mightst 'n mightst4 ,if ,i laughed1 or remonstrated1 however tenderly1 the sensitive plant would shrivel up4 ,both in the island and in ,north ,wales ,i have often been told that on a fishing fleet in the ,irish ,sea the ,manx1 the ,irish1 the ,gaelic1 and the ,welsh fishermen could converse freely4 ,it would be rash for a man who speaks none of those languages to lay down the law4 ,but we know that they differ widely3 the ,welsh are ,cymric1 the other three are of the ,gaelic branch of ,celts2 all four would have the ,indo-,european joint stock and the ,celtic roots in common4 ,but conversation cannot subsist on roots4 ,judging from the names of places in the island there is little kinship between ,welsh and ,manx4 ,i do not remember any ,manx place-name beginning with ,llan1 or ,lan2 there is no ,welsh town or village beginning with ,balla1 the general ,manx prefix2 ,bala1 the nearest approach1 is the name of a modern town on ,llyn ,tegid1 and in the parish of ,llanycil4 ,but ,bally is common enough in ,scotland and ,ireland4 ,so with other names4 ,i imagine that what happened in the ,irish ,sea was this3 a ,manx fisherman held up a fish1 and shouted the ,manx name for it--which1 ,i think1 resembles the ,welsh 8pysgodyn02 whereupon a ,welshman held up a whisky bottle1 and shouted 8,iechyd da chwi0 7good health72 and they parted with mutual satisfaction4 ,yet1 if there is any truth in the novels of ,scott and ,lever1 the ,gaels and ,erse should have preferred some such word as 8slaint0 for 8health02 the bottle is pan-anthropic4 ,about #aijd some local enthusiasts attempted to introduce the study of the ,manx language as a part of the island school course4 ,it was manifest after careful enquiry that the language had no literary value1 for there is no ,manx literature beyond some fairy stories and folk songs4 ,nor has it a commercial value1 for obvious reasons4 ,it has an antiquarian value2 but between #i ,a4,m4 and #d4cj ,p4,m4 the time is already fully occupied1 and the rates and taxes will hardly bear the additional strain of sentiment4 ,the ,board in ,whitehall are very unwilling to interfere with ,manx local option in education1 for the island pays all the school grants1 and he who pays the piper may call the song4 ,whitehall confined itself to the sprinkling of cold water on the scheme4 ,i heard no more of it4 ,it is strange that in our crankful ,england no crank has arisen to demand the teaching of ,old ,english 7which we used to call ,anglo-,saxon71 the language of our forefathers4 ,why do we not all feel it to be monstrous that the 8,lay of ,beowulf0 is a sealed book to our six million children1 and that the tongue of lfred should be unknown to the subjects of ,edward ,,vii48 ,the ,manx language may not be a remunerative study1 but the history of the island is full of interest1 and the excellent patriotism of the ,speaker of the ,house of ,keys has provided the children with a school history1 abbreviated from a larger work4 ,i wish it were more generally used4 ,manx history is tangible2 the monuments lie all round2 ,celts and ,scandinavians have left traces everywhere4 ,saints and martyrs1 such as were ,patrick1 ,german1 ,maughold1 ,bride2 kings and warriors1 ,king ,orry and--and others2 ,stanleys and ,murrays4 ,who would not be proud to be a ,manxman8 ,who was ,king ,orry8 ,i have great gifts of forgetfulness when it comes to history instead of story1 and ,i do not recollect the details of that monarch's career4 ,it is all in that book on the shelf4 ,a ,manx boy to whom ,i put the same question--,who was ,king ,orry8--replied 8a boot40 ,it was explained that he meant 8boat0 and that one of the ,liverpool steamers is called after the king4 ,that does not carry us any further3 but ,i remember the story of ,bishop ,wilson1 which a colleague told me as we came back from ,castle ,rushen1 and 7like an examination candidate7 ,i offer the one in place of the other3 ,thomas ,wilson was for #eg years 7#afig-agee7 the saintly ,bishop of ,sodor and ,man4 ,the ,governor's wife had1 it was alleged1 declared that ,mrs4 ,z4 was no better than she should be4 ,mrs4 ,z4 said she was as good as ,mrs4 ,governor4 ,the matter was referred to the ,bishop1 who decided in favour of ,mrs4 ,z4 and ordered her assailant to apologise4 ,on the lady's refusal he excommunicated her4 ,but she 8got at0 the ,archdeacon--78ploughed with my heifer10 said ,bishop ,wilberforce of his ,archdeacon #aej years later7#ea--;and persuaded the inferior officer to admit her to ,communion4 ,thereupon the ,bishop inhibited the ,archdeacon4 ,whereupon the ,governor seized the ,bishop1 and put him in the dungeons of ,castle ,rushen1 till he should be purged of his contempt4 ,there is much to be said for ,home ,rule4 ,,footnotes3 #dh ,one of my colleagues was unable to land on the ,island1 and was carried on to ,barrow4 ,till ,i had seen these lines1 ,i fully believed that it was the ordinary result of an easterly gale4 ,now ,i see that he was after no good4 #di ,letters of ,t4 ,e4 ,brown1 #b vols4 7,constable47 #ej 8,cotton0 ,lancashire man8 #ea ,that was when the ,archdeacon of ,oxford acted as 8,chairman of ,hardy's ,committee02 the ,bishop favouring ,gladstone4 ,mansel's epigram is famous1 beginning-- ,when the versatile ,prelate of ,oxford's famed city ,spied the name of the chairman of ,hardy's ,committee1 ,said ,samuel 7from ,samson his metaphor seekin'7 8,you have ploughed with my heifer1--that is my ,archdeacon40 c41 c4 7see ,burgon's ,life of ,mansel74 ,,chapter ,,xxx ,,release 8,we have had enough of action1 and of motion we1 ,roll'd to starboard1 roll'd to larboard1 when the surge was seething free1 ,where the wallowing monster spouted his foam-fountains in the sea40 8,lotos-,eaters40 ,the ,psalmist fixed three score and ten years as the limit of man's age2 but he did not go into the question of efficiency4 ,that has been settled with less liberality by the rules of the ,civil ,service1 which 8pluck away five lagging winters and five wanton springs0 from the more generous sum1 and decree that survivors shall be put on the ,pension ,list at #fe4 ,but this1 as ,isabella 7she of ,measure for ,measure7 would say1 is for the soldier3 the captain is free4 ,the ,prime ,minister#eb is five years my senior3 the ,secretary for ,india1 and the late ,secretary for ,ireland1 now ,ambassador in ,washington1 took their degrees at ,oxford in my first or second year4 ,these hoary statesmen1 still as ,i write1 flourish like green bay-trees1 and ,i am become a lean and slippered pantaloon4 ,for these high offices1 says the ,treasury1 there is no need of restriction2 but for posts requiring activity and intelligence 7such as the ,inspectorate of schools7 there must be an age limit4 ,nay1 more3 a later circular of the ,board regrets that men should be kept on to #fe when 8in many cases they have lost that freshness and originality which1 c41 c40 ,and it proposes to cut down the limit by degrees to #fj4 ,on the other hand1 ,i have read that the ,prime ,minister has appointed one right reverend gentleman1 aged #fg1 to be ,bishop of ,a42 another reverend gentleman1 aged #ga1 to be ,dean of ,b42 and a third1 who graduated a year before me1 to be ,bishop of ,c4 ,but the ,premier himself is #ga1 and this alters a man's point of view4 ,i admit that a dean requires little freshness and originality3 but in the annals of another branch of the public service ,i read1 that in #aheg1 when the ,indian ,mutiny broke out1 the ,government asked ,sir ,colin ,campbell to take command of the ,british forces in ,india1 he being then #fe1 and that he started in #bd hours4 8,it's ,tommy this an' ,tommy that1 an' ,tommy go away1 ,but it's good grey 'eaded 'ero1 when the band begins to play40 ,i have taken a slight liberty with ,mr4 ,kipling's lines4 ,however1 the arrangement suited me admirably1 and it is only to preserve my ,british right to grumble1 that ,i grumble4 ,i had intended to retire at the age of sixty1 when ,i became eligible for a pension3 but1 like ,andrew ,fairservice1 whom ,i have already twice quoted1 ,i had 8e'en daikered on frae year's end to year's end40 ,therefore when the spring of #aijf clearly revealed to me that the coming ,december would bring me freedom1 ,i made no complaint4 ,that spring had added ,salford1 with #bbj1jjj people1 to my already enormous family4 ,salford1 be it known to southern readers1 adjoins ,manchester much as ,westminster adjoins ,london1 but in part as ,westminster adjoins ,lambeth2 for the ,irwell is the boundary for some distance4 ,salford is a ,county ,borough with three members of ,parliament3 there is no visible boundary between the ,manchester and ,salford types of ,m4,p43 they have all bathed in ,irwell4 ,nor is there any visible boundary between the two styles of school architecture3 there1 too1 ,manchester has set the fashion1 and ,salford1 nimium vicina ,cremonae1 has followed it2 but ,salford1 being the poor relation1 is in a more deplorable state4 ,educationally1 however1 ,salford is now full of zeal4 ,we got on very well together1 and--so far--,i should have been glad to stay for another six months1 in order to weld together the inspecting machinery of the two towns4 8,there's aye something to saw that ,i would like to see sawn1 or something to maw that ,i would like to see mawn1 or something to ripe that ,i would like to see ripen10 said the same ,andrew2 but it could not be4 ,my hands were full4 ,i yearned to empty them1 and fold them1 and write no more reports with them4 ,the prospect of another ,november in ,manchester was unendurable1 and ,i determined to retire on ,october #ast1 thus incidentally relieving the country of the burden of maintaining me on the active staff for the two months before my birthday4 8,what loss is it to be rid of care80 said the deposed ,richard ,,ii4 ,but the ,board of ,education1 which would wrangle doggedly for three weeks about a charge of sixpence in travelling expenses1 is both considerate and generous in greater matters4 ,it was1 they said1 convenient to them that changes should be made at the end of the summer holidays1 and if ,i liked to go at the end of ,september1 they would give me 8leave of absence0 with full pay for the remaining two months4 ,i gratefully accepted this really handsome offer3 bought a new bicycle with the latest improvements to carry my tottering limbs1 and went off to the ,isle of ,man to prove it4 ,on my previous visits to the island ,i had relied on trains and carriages1 and had found some parts difficult of access4 ,with a bicycle exploration is easy4 ,there are rudimentary railways1 which put one down at convenient spots1 and thence there are good roads to nearly all the schools4 ,it is advisable to make the journey agree with the wind1 if possible1 for the breeze is often fresh2 but1 with so much caution1 there is unbounded delight4 ,two journeys stand out in my memory3 one in the wild flat country to the north of the island1 from sea to sea1 and finally over ,t4 ,e4 ,brown's ,ballaugh ,curragh3 the other from ,peel over the shoulder of ,i forget what hill1 and then with free running wheel for miles down a smooth road to ,port ,erin4 ,it was ,june1 and ,i was only sixty-four4 ,here let me record an event which certainly does not belong to the island1 but may be conveniently hidden away here4 ,i had been cycling1 and inspecting1 and cycling again all day1 and ,i was weary as ,i got nearer home4 ,there was a long stretch of smooth footpath1 and no one in sight3 the prospect of relief from 8the 'ammer1 'ammer of the 'ard 'igh road0 tempted me1 and ,i strayed from the macadamised road of virtue to the cinder path of illegality4 ,suddenly a policeman shot out from a side lane and blocked my path4 ,he demanded my name1 and wanted to know whether the high road was not a good high road4 ,i praised his high road fulsomely1 but ,i went on to point out that ,i had been out all day1 riding twenty miles on ,h4,m4 ,service1 and that ,i was wearied in doing good works4 ,and ,i put it to him whether he did not think that members of the ,civil ,service1 like himself and me1 were entitled to some little indulgence4 ,he was much moved1 but not more than an official should be moved4 ,he could not admit the justice of my plea1 but he would 8name it to the sergeant40 ,i heard no more of it1 and ,i asked no questions4 ,those were delightful days1 those last days on the island4 ,there was heavy work2 for besides the ,manx schools1 each of which wanted a report1 there were six active sub-inspectors visiting and reporting on ,lancashire schools1 and there were boats from ,liverpool weighed down to the ,plimsoll mark with school portfolios from ,manchester and ,salford in particular1 and the ,palatinate in general1 requiring 8remarks10 and 8suggestions10 and 8reports40 ,but one learns to think without 8taking thought40 ,all day long there was the charm of the island1 and in the evenings1 by great good fortune1 ,i had the companionship of an old colleague1 who was engaged in educational work for the ,manx ,council4 ,i grieved to leave thee1 ,o ,ellan ,vannin6#ec ,may the herring and the mackerel return to thy shores6 ,may the trippers abound and behave decently6 ,and ,i was grieved to return to ,manchester2 but it was not for long4 ,late in ,july ,i finished the work there1 and retired to ,north ,wales1 8on the way0 to the ,continent2 and there1 with a foreground of school portfolios and a background of mountains1 ,i worked in peace4 ,suddenly a new prospect was opened before me1 dimming the sight of portfolios and mountains4 ,there came two urgent letters1 announcing a vacancy on the ,chester ,town ,council1#ed and urging me to be a candidate6 ,if ,i would accept ,i should be unopposed2 and ,i should be put on the ,education ,committee1 where ,i might give the city the benefit of that experience which1 c41 c4 ,i laughed1 and telegraphed back--8,impossible2 contrary to rules of ,civil ,service40 ,that seemed to me to be conclusive4 ,it merely produced an embassage of two1 who begged me to reconsider4 ,finally ,i agreed to write to the ,office for instructions4 ,to my surprise there came a letter stating that ,i might stand1 if ,i would before the contest hand over the mantle to my already nominated successor4 ,in that case they would give me so much extra leave4 ,this was more than generous1 and it took away my last dilatory plea4 ,i accepted the ,chester invitation1 and proffered the mantle with apologies to my successor4 ,then ,i proceeded to do all the electioneering things that ,i had read of other people doing in like circumstances4 ,i had an indefatigable ,committee4 ,i issued an address2 some one placarded the walls of ,chester with my name4 ,a hostile candidate appeared2 there was canvassing1 in which ,i took a lamentably ineffective part2 there was mural literature4 ,at the critical moment1 nay twice1 on the day before the polling-day and on the fateful day itself1 ,i had to go into ,lancashire on an official enquiry4 ,but by the afternoon post of the latter day ,i sent to ,whitehall the announcement that ,i had handed over the seals of office1 and ,i went to the poll a free man4 ,all day long the noise of battle rolled1 and in the evening there was quite a thrill of excitement in the street4 ,my excellent and friendly opponent and ,i sat on a low wall outside the polling station1 and shook hands with our supporters as they filed by4 ,i thought he was the favourite1 but the ballot is as deceitful as the heart of man4 ,at eight o'clock the poll was closed1 and we adjourned to the ,town ,hall that the votes might be counted4 ,it was a slow process1 and ,i filled up the time by writing a report of the ,lancashire enquiry1 that was my last official act4 ,the poll was declared about #i1 and to the surprise of my supporters ,i was elected by a handsome majority4 ,i was a ,town ,councillor6 8,quod optanti divum promittere nemo ,auderet1 volvenda dies en attulit ultro10#ee said a pedantic friend next day4 ,after uproarious rejoicings1 ,i walked home1 and in the narrow street that leads the traveller eastward from out the ancient city ,i found my best supporters4 ,they were all under the age of #ae1 and they seemed to have been waiting for me4 ,in the dim light1 ,i came all unsuspecting upon them expectant4 8,three cheers for ,mr4 ,kensley3 ,oor1 ,oor10 and ,i was in the midst of an innumerable multitude4 ,every child in the parish was there1 and crowded round me4 ,it was a personal victory for them3 their inspector had been elected1 and to them was the glory4 ,brawny mothers brought out babies in arms1 and brandished them3 8,you examined me1 ,mr4 ,kensley3 eh1 ,i am glad40 ,the crowd yelled on ,f sharp1 and the drums of my ears vibrated like telegraph wires in ,i know not what condition of the atmosphere4 8,oor1 ,oor40 ,they surged round me up the narrow lane1 and in at my gate1 and up my modest drive1 and on the doorstep1 as ,i sought for the latchkey4 ,it wanted little that they should enter like ,bishop ,hatto's rats3 8,and in at the windows1 and in at the door1 ,and through the walls helter-skelter they pour2 ,and down from the ceiling1 and up through the floor1 ,from the right1 and the left1 from behind and before--0 ,but they paused1 and ,i escaped the ,bishop's doom4 ,good-night1 children2 good-night1 and good-bye4 ,,footnotes3 #eb ,this was written in #aijg4 #ec ,this is not a lady's name1 but a synonym for the ,isle of ,man 7,mannin74 #ed ,not wishing to be biographical1 ,i omitted to mention that ,i kept on my house at ,chester while in charge of ,manchester4 #ee 8,that1 which no god dared promise to thy prayer1 ,the wheel of time brings of its own accord40 ,,the ,,end ,richard ,clay ,sons1 ,limited1 ,london and ,bungay4 ,,macmillan',s ,,new ,,shilling ,,library ,globe #hvo4 ,cloth4 #as4 net per ,volume4 ,,travel1 ,,sport1 ,,and ,,adventure4 ,,the ,,man-,,eaters ,,of ,,tsavo4 ,by ,lieut4-,colonel ,j4 ,h4 ,patterson4 ,with over #ajj ,illustrations4 ,,tales ,,of ,,old ,,japan4 ,by ,lord ,redesdale 7,a4 ,b4 ,freeman-,mitford74 ,illustrated4 ,,at ,,last4 ,by ,charles ,kingsley4 ,illustrated4 ,,south ,,sea ,,bubbles4 ,by ,the ,earl and ,the ,doctor4 ,,north ,,italian ,,folk4 ,by ,mrs4 ,comyns ,carr4 ,illustrated by ,randolph ,caldecott4 ,,fiction4 ,,cast ,,up ,,by ,,the ,,sea4 ,by ,sir ,samuel ,white ,baker4 ,illustrated4 ,,for ,,the ,,term ,,of ,,his ,,natural ,,life4 ,by ,marcus ,clarke4 ,,military ,,history ,,and ,,anecdotes4 ,,the ,,relief ,,of ,,chitral4 ,by ,colonel ,g4 ,j4 ,younghusband and ,sir ,f4 ,younghusband4 ,illustrated4 ,,barracks1 ,,bivouacs1 ,,and ,,battles4 ,by ,archibald ,forbes4 ,,reminiscences ,,of ,,the ,,great ,,mutiny4 ,by ,william ,forbes-,mitchell4 ,,cawnpore4 ,by the ,right ,hon4 ,sir ,g4 ,o4 ,trevelyan1 ,bart4 ,,the ,,story ,,of ,,the ,,guides4 ,by ,colonel ,g4 ,j4 ,younghusband4 ,,biography4 ,,leaves ,,from ,,the ,,note-,,books ,,of ,,lady ,,dorothy ,,nevill4 ,edited by ,ralph ,nevill4 ,h4,m4,i4 ,some ,passages in the ,life of one of ,h4,m4 ,inspectors of ,schools4 ,by ,e4 ,m4 ,sneyd-,kynnersley4 ,,the ,,life ,,of ,,william ,,ewart ,,gladstone4 ,by ,john ,morley4 #c vols4 ,sold separately4 ,,the ,,life ,,of ,,david ,,livingstone4 7,a ,new ,book47 ,by ,rev4 ,c4 ,silvester ,horne1 ,m4,p4 ,illustrated4 ,,sociology1 ,,politics1 etc4 ,a ,,poor ,,man',s ,,house4 ,by ,stephen ,reynolds4 ,,alcohol ,,and ,,the ,,human ,,body4 ,by ,sir ,victor ,horsley1 ,f4,r4,s41 and ,mary ,d4 ,sturge1 ,m4,d4 ,with a ,chapter by ,arthur ,newsholme1 ,m4,d4 ,,the ,,poor ,,law ,,report ,,of #aiji4 ,by ,mrs4 ,b4 ,bosanquet4 ,,six ,,lectures ,,on ,,the ,,inns ,,of ,,court ,,and ,,of ,,chancery4 7,a ,new ,book47 ,by ,w4 ,blake ,odgers1 ,k4,c41 ,e4 ,m4 ,underdown1 ,k4,c41 ,a4 ,r4 ,ingpen1 ,k4,c41 ,j4 ,douglas ,walker1 ,k4,c41 and ,h4 ,e4 ,duke1 ,k4,c41 ,m4,p4 ,,the ,,future ,,of ,,england4 ,by the ,hon4 ,george ,peel4 ,,gardening4 ,,gardening ,,for ,,the ,,ignorant4 7,a ,new ,book47 ,by ,mrs4 ,c4 ,w4 ,earle and ,miss ,ethel ,case4 ,,essays ,,and ,,belles ,,lettres4 ,,the ,,intellectual ,,life4 ,by ,p4 ,g4 ,hamerton4 ,,essays4 ,first and ,second ,series4 ,by ,r4 ,w4 ,emerson4 ,,essays ,,in ,,criticism4 ,first ,series4 ,by ,matthew ,arnold4 ,,man',s ,,place ,,in ,,nature ,,and ,,other ,,essays4 ,by ,t4 ,h4 ,huxley4 ,illustrated4 ,,the ,,renaissance4 ,by ,walter ,pater4 ,,theology4 ,,ecce ,,homo4 ,by ,sir ,john ,r4 ,seeley4 ,,eternal ,,hope4 ,by ,dean ,farrar4 ,,seekers ,,after ,,god4 ,by ,dean ,farrar4 ,,letters ,,from ,,hell4 ,given in ,english by ,julie ,sutter4 ,with a ,preface by ,dr4 ,george ,macdonald4 ,a ,,little ,,pilgrim ,,in ,,the ,,unseen4 ,a ,,defence ,,of ,,the ,,church ,,of ,,england ,,against ,,disestablishment4 ,by ,roundell1 ,earl of ,selborne4 ,new ,edition4 ,,macmillan ,,and ,,co41 ,,limited1 ,,london4 ,transcriber's ,notes ,a few minor errors in punctuation have been corrected4 ,page #hc3 8little by virture0 changed to 8little by virtue0 ,page #aig3 8exist anny way0 changed to 8exist any way0