,,transcriber',s ,,note ,the tables in this book are best viewed using a monospace font4 ,how to ,pick a ,mate ,,how ,,to ,,pick ,a ,,mate ,,the ,,guide ,,to ,a ,,happy ,,marriage ,,by ,,dr4 ,,clifford ,r4 ,,adams ,associate ,professor of ,psychology and ,director of the ,marriage ,counseling ,service1 ,pennsylvania ,state ,college4 ,member of the ,american ,association of ,marriage ,counselors4 ,director of the ,woman's ,home ,companion ,marriage ,clinic4 ,,and ,,vance ,o4 ,,packard ,staff ,writer1 ,the ,american ,magazine ,,new ,,york ,e4 ,p4 ,,dutton ,,company1 ,,inc4 #aidf ,copyright1 #aidf1 by ,e4 ,p4 ,dutton ,co41 ,inc4 ,all rights reserved4 ,printed in the ,u4,s4,a4 ,,first ,,edition ,,no ,,part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher1 except by a reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review written for inclusion in magazine or newspaper or radio broadcast4 ,to ,,our ,,two ,,daughters and ,,our ,,two ,,sons ,who ,have ,yet to ,pick ,their ,mates ,contents ,,page ,,list ,,of ,,tests #i ,,foreword #aa ,,chapter ,i4 ,,why ,,marry1 ,,anyhow8 #ae ,,ii4 ,,your ,,chances ,,of ,,getting ,a ,,mate ,,you',,ll ,,like #bc ,,iii4 ,,are ,,you ,,ready ,,for ,,married ,,love8 #ch ,,iv4 ,,is ,,it ,,love--,,or ,,infatuation8 #dg ,v4 ,,growing ,,up ,,sexually #ee ,,vi4 ,,sex ,,adventuring #fc ,,vii4 ,,do ,,you ,,frighten ,,possible ,,mates ,,away8 #gd ,,viii4 ,,attracting ,,the ,,one ,,you ,,want #hc ,,ix4 ,,is ,,the ,,one ,,you ,,want ,,the ,,one ,,you ,,need8 #ia ,x4 ,,crucial ,,traits ,,for ,a ,,happy ,,marriage #ih ,,xi4 ,,test ,,your ,,mate ,,and ,,yourself #ajg ,,xii4 ,,now1 ,,see ,,how ,,you ,,match ,,as ,a ,,couple6 #abd ,,xiii4 ,,beware ,,of ,,mixed ,,marriages #aci ,,xiv4 ,,nine ,,dangerous ,,characters #adf ,,xv4 ,,people ,,who ,,should ,,not ,,marry ,,at ,,all #aef ,,xvi4 ,,will ,a ,,job ,,undermine ,,your ,,marriage8 #afe ,,xvii4 ,,the ,,veteran ,,as ,a ,,mate #agd ,,xviii4 ,,so ,,you ,,agree ,,to ,,marry3 ,,what ,,next8 #ahc ,,xix4 ,,getting ,,ready ,,for ,,married ,,intimacy #ahi ,,xx4 ,,getting ,,off ,,to ,a ,,good ,,start #aie ,,after ,,thoughts #bjd ,,appendix ,a3 ,,selected ,,bibliography #bjf ,,appendix ,b3 ,,marriage ,,counseling ,,agencies #baa ,,index #bac ,list of ,tests ,,chapter ,,page ,,ii4 #a4 ,what ,is ,your ,expectancy of ,marriage8 #ce ,,iii4 #b4 ,are ,you ,old ,enough to ,marry8 #dd ,,iii4 #c4 ,are ,you ,grown ,up ,emotionally8 #dd ,,iv4 #d4 ,are ,you ,really in ,love8 #eb ,,vi4 #e4 ,are ,you ,warm or ,cool by ,nature8 #gb ,,vii4 #f4 ,do ,you ,have a ,negative or ,positive ,personality8 #ha ,,viii4 #g4 ,what ,traits to ,look for in ,mates 7check list7 #hg ,x4 #h4 ,ten ,basic ,background ,questions #ajj ,,xi4 #i4 ,sociability #ajg ,,xi4 #aj4 ,conformity #ajh ,,xi4 #aa4 ,tranquillity #aji ,,xi4 #ab4 ,dependability #aaj ,,xi4 #ac4 ,stability #aaa ,,xi4 #ad4 ,standards and ,ideals #aab ,,xi4 #ae4 ,steadiness #aac ,,xi4 #af4 ,flexibility #aad ,,xi4 #ag4 ,seriousness #aad ,,xi4 #ah4 ,family ,background #aae ,,xi4 #ai4 ,prediction of ,individual ,marital ,happiness 7,composite7 #aaf ,,xii4 #bj4 ,do ,you ,match8 #abg ,,xii4 #ba4 ,are ,you ,well ,mated8 #acf ,,xiv4 #bb4 ,are ,you ,too ,jealous8 #aed ,,xv4 #bc4 ,is the ,mate a ,neurotic8 #afc ,appendix ,a4 ,books ,you ,may ,wish to ,read #bjf ,appendix ,b4 ,marriage ,counseling ,agencies #baa ,foreword ,as far as we know this is the first time anyone has written a book attempting to put mate selection on a sensible basis1 despite the fact that sooner or later almost everybody selects one4 ,a good many people resent the idea of an outsider telling them how they should pick a mate4 ,they think it smacks of meddling4 ,marriage is something sacred and personal4 ,it should not be done according to rules4 ,we heartily sympathize4 ,unfortunately1 however1 marriages are not made in ,heaven4 ,usually people marry by hunch or impulse 444 or because their parents think it is a good match 444 or because they get themselves so deeply involved romantically that marrying seems the only proper thing to do4 ,too frequently such methods merely mess up a couple of people's lives4 ,more than a third of all the millions of marriages undertaken in the last ten years are in trouble4 ,many are already dissolved4 ,many more soon will be4 ,a great deal of research and counseling has now been done in the field of marriage1 and the findings validated4 ,at ,penn ,state1 for example1 hundreds of couples who were tested before marriage at the ,marriage ,counseling ,service are checked periodically after marriage to find how they are making out4 ,of all the marriages which the service predicted would be successful1 not one has yet ended in divorce or separation4 ,most of the people who went ahead despite the clinic's cautions are already in serious trouble or have been divorced4 ,as a result of many such investigations1 reliable information is available on the kinds of people who make the best mates1 and on the causes of marriage success and failure4 ,in this book we have tried to include those findings which should be most helpful and interesting to all people involved in love or marriage--but particularly to people who sooner or later will be taking unto themselves a mate4 ,it is not our intention to lay down a set of rules for people to follow4 ,but we hope that after reading this book you will be more enlightened in your hunches than you might be otherwise1 and be a much happier and more desirable mate yourself6 ,how to ,pick a ,mate ,chapter ,i ,why ,marry1 ,anyhow8 ,mating is as old as ,eve4 ,in fact it is the oldest and most popular custom ever devised by mankind4 ,even in the most isolated tribes that explorers have uncovered on this globe adult males pair up with females to live together as man and wife4 ,in many areas of the world1 it is true1 marriages are still arranged by the elders1 often at a neat financial profit to the bride's parents4 ,freedom of choice in mating is a newfangled idea4 ,and in ,madagascar the groom is warned at the wedding that he can beat the bride all he pleases1 but if he breaks any bones or gouges any eyes she has a perfect right to go home to mother4 ,yet even there mating is popular4 ,though marriage is the most universal institution known to man increasing numbers of ,americans are shunning it by divorce or otherwise4 ,about ten per cent of our marriageable men have become unbudgeable bachelors4 ,the number of women who are choosing careers to marriage is soaring4 ,moreover there are #a1ejj1jjj men and women in ,america who tried marriage and are now living apart in divorce4 ,many others were divorced1 then remarried4 ,thus 8,why marry1 anyhow80 is today a fair question4 ,so let's face right at the start the main reasons why people do not marry1 or stay married4 ,many people do not marry because they don't relish the idea of giving up their freedom1 their independence4 ,some men do not like the idea of being 8saddled0 with family responsibilities and being 8tied down0 to one woman4 ,likewise1 some women have become so accustomed to living alone--and are so reluctant to give up careers--that they hesitate to give up their independence1 until it is too late4 ,many other girls and men do not marry because they are too particular4 ,often they have a 8phantasy ideal0 of the mate they want and can't find such an interested party in real life4 ,girls for example often sigh that they want a man 8tall1 dark and handsome--and graying at the temples40 ,without realizing it at least a quarter of all girls yearn for a man who looks like their own father4 ,and a quarter of the men pick someone who looks vaguely like their own mother4 ,there are still other people who don't marry because they lack a decent opportunity4 ,girls who choose nursing as a career1 for example1 cut their marriage prospects at least fifty per cent4 ,it is much the same for librarians and social workers4 ,in fact a girl can reduce her chances of marriage merely by going to a girls' college4 ,then there is a large group who do not marry because they have been disappointed in love--perhaps an early love affair ended in disappointment or grief4 ,it produced a psychological scar that prevented the person from achieving happiness through marriage with anyone else4 ,the death of ,ann ,rutledge shook ,abraham ,lincoln so profoundly that though he finally married years later1 for appearances' sake1 he was a miserable husband4 ,a boy who imagines himself passionately in love and then is jilted by a girl who doesn't even let him down gently may lose faith and crawl into a psychological shell in his relations with other women4 ,one college girl became enamored1 during her sophomore year1 of a prominent man-about-campus4 ,she came from a fine ,philadelphia family and was an attractive1 sincere girl4 ,but she was very nave4 ,this man began rushing her4 ,he took her to parties at his fraternity1 took her for several moonlight rides in his roadster1 and told her she was the girl he had always dreamed of4 ,within three weeks she had lost her virginity4 ,in a few more weeks he had lost interest and was off to make new conquests1 and she came to the sickening realization that he had merely been exploiting her love for physical pleasure4 ,disillusioned1 she had to change colleges to keep from facing her friends4 ,she did not tell this story to the counselors at the ,penn ,state ,marriage ,counseling ,service 78,compatibility ,clinic07 until two years later4 ,during those two years she had been so crushed and full of bitterness that she had not let another man touch or even kiss her4 ,occasionally men and women do not marry because they have family responsibilities--perhaps a widowed mother or younger orphaned brothers and sisters--which make them feel they can't afford1 or have no right1 to take on a mate4 ,still others have physical handicaps4 ,there are some handicaps1 of course1 that are severe enough to be a real handicap1 like the loss of both arms1 but more often the handicaps are not serious in themselves4 ,they are serious because the possessor magnifies them in his mind and begins feeling inadequate and inferior4 ,the same applies to a person who thinks he is ugly4 ,irregular facial features in themselves are never a serious handicap if their possessor has self-confidence and a pleasant personality4 ,the main reason why people do not marry1 however1 is that they have an unhealthy attitude which makes it virtually impossible for them to adjust themselves happily to thoughts of marriage4 ,they are full of fears about the obligations that marriage may bring4 ,some are too selfish or too egocentric to be able to compromise2 and in marriage as in any partnership the partners must be able to sacrifice their private desires for the common cause4 ,marriage is no place for prima donnas4 ,other poorly adjusted persons are incapable of accepting the many responsibilities that go with marriage4 ,perhaps their mother or father tied them down so closely as a child that they never had a chance to develop their own feeling of self-sufficiency and independence4 ,there are parents who cannot turn their children loose4 ,they object to dating until the youngsters have become so old that learning to get along with the other sex is difficult4 ,such children have a fixation for the parents and cannot see another person entering the picture as a possible substitute or replacement4 ,this is called the ,oedipus complex and it is no bogey dreamed up by psychologists4 ,a boy may not marry because he is still jealously in 8love0 with his own mother4 ,a girl may not marry because she is in 8love0 with her father4 ,this kind of fixation is made more acute when the parent is selfish or lonely and builds a network around the child which makes escape impossible4 ,there are some people who are suspicious or jealous by nature4 ,their emotional instability usually frightens away prospective mates4 ,many other people1 particularly girls1 have an unhealthy attitude toward marriage because they are frightened by the physical intimacies that go with marriage4 ,a #bi-year-old wife who had been married four years confessed recently that she dreaded the thought of physical intimacy with her husband4 ,she had moved to another room and was in a rebellious mood4 ,this wife unconsciously revealed a clue to her coldness when she related remarks her mother had made to her during girlhood4 ,the mother had talked of her own agonies during the girl's birth and had told how the process had injured her internally4 ,the mother had talked of physical intimacy as one of the burdens a wife has to bear4 ,one night1 when the girl had been thus conditioned1 a date stopped his car on a side road and tried to caress her4 ,she was terrified4 ,now1 twelve years later and formally married1 she was still on guard4 ,the war gave many young people an unhealthy attitude toward marriage4 ,a desire for a 8last fling0 impelled many of them to promiscuous behavior that has left them with psychological scars4 ,some men saw so many 8loose0 women near their stations and embarkation ports 7and frequently had affairs themselves with such women7 that their attitude toward all women was cheapened4 ,other young people--both male and female--were separated so long from contact with the opposite sex that they developed--or feared they had developed--unnatural feelings toward members of the same sex2 or thought they lost the knack of making themselves seem attractive to girls or men1 whichever the opposite may be4 ,a good many veterans saw so much of war and its destruction that they became cynical of human life and pessimistic about the future4 ,this put them in an extremely poor mood to think of mating4 ,yet to millions of other veterans war made marriage seem terribly attractive4 ,after leading a shifting existence where nothing seemed real or permanent1 the lasting1 unchanging things in life appeared more significant than ever before4 ,marriage1 ideally1 is one of the most permanent things in life4 ,it gives a person a chance to sink roots4 ,this brings us to the other side of the picture3 why people do marry4 ,there are thirty million married couples in ,america today1 and they didn't get married just because it is the customary thing to do4 ,marriage must have something to offer4 ,if you doubt it consider these facts3 --,married people normally live longer than single people4 ,according to the ,metropolitan ,life ,insurance ,company report of #aicg1 twice as many single men from thirty to forty-five die as married men in the same age bracket4 ,for women between thirty and sixty-five the married women have a ten per cent advantage over the single women4 ,twice as many widowers die as do men who remain married4 --,fewer married people go to jail than single people4 --,fewer go crazy4 --,fewer commit suicide4 ,these facts would certainly indicate that married people are happier1 better adjusted persons than unmarried persons1 despite all the tales about henpecked husbands and browbeaten wives4 ,then there are some very practical1 hard-boiled reasons why it pays to marry4 ,for one thing it is cheaper for two people to live together than to live separately4 ,it costs only two-thirds as much4 ,by marrying1 a man becomes a better employment risk4 ,married men usually are regarded as more steady1 more trustworthy employees than single men4 ,this is logical4 ,marriage exerts a stabilizing influence on most men4 ,an employer can assume that since a married man has taken on the responsibilities of a family he is a better risk than a man who has shown no ability to assume responsibilities4 ,another point is that the married man is less apt to leave a good job than a single man4 ,furthermore a married person is regarded more favorably socially than a bachelor or spinster4 ,this is not just a 8ganging up0 of spouses against anyone not similarly coupled1 though that may be a factor4 ,it's a fact that there is a greater feeling of belongingness to the community for the married person than for the bachelor or spinster4 ,a married man is better able to entertain acquaintances in his own home4 ,and right or wrong most people feel there is something a bit unnatural about an adult remaining unmarried4 ,psychiatrists agree that except in exceptional cases women who live alone will become neurotic and frustrated4 ,living alone is an abnormal state for a woman4 7,she overcomes this hazard only by accepting her fate realistically and setting out intelligently to find enrichment and satisfaction in life47 ,married people are less lonely than single people because they have someone with whom to share life's dull as well as exciting moments and to share their problems and hopes and ambitions4 ,also married couples who raise families frequently have an insurance against old age--the knowledge that in their growing children there will be someone to take care of them if necessary4 ,life is also more comfortable if you are married than if single1 at least for a man4 ,it provides him with home cooking in his own home and someone to keep his socks in order4 ,a basic argument for marriage is that it offers a logical division of labor4 ,imagine how much more complicated and inconvenient life would be if men had to do their own cooking and sewing1 and women--all women--had to compete with men for a livelihood6 ,finally marriage offers a legalized way to achieve sexual satisfaction4 ,men and women can receive relief from their bodily tensions without the terrible feelings of guilt1 anxiety and remorse that often accompany unmarried love4 ,that's something4 ,modern psychology recognizes that sexual satisfaction is more than a physiological process of reproducing one's kind4 ,it is a psychologically satisfying activity and releases many nervous tensions as well as tensions brought about by hormonal or glandular needs4 ,those then are the obvious1 practical reasons why marriage is so universally popular4 ,but beyond those are some important but less understood cravings which marriage satisfies4 --,beyond the desire for sex satisfaction1 for example1 is the yearning of both men and women to share the love and affection of somebody of the opposite sex1 someone who takes a genuine interest in them4 ,this sometimes is called a need for sexually colored companionship4 ,this is why married people don't feel the need to run around to shows and parties the way single people do4 ,they have their own companionship within the family4 ,mark ,twain1 in his amusing 8,extracts from ,adam's ,diary0 showed the bond created by such companionship when he quoted ,adam as reminiscing3 8,at first ,i thought ,eve talked too much but 444 after all these years ,i see that ,i was mistaken about ,eve in the beginning4 ,it is better to live outside the ,garden with her than inside it without her4444 ,wheresoever she is1 there is ,eden40 --,a desire for mastery on the part of most men and a desire to be led on the part of most women is another psychological motive that is satisfied by marriage4 ,it is the thrill of mastery that causes a youth to careen dangerously down the highway at eighty miles an hour or to ride a horse at a break-neck gallop4 --,there is a desire for pride that is satisfied by saying 8my husband10 or 8my wife10 or 8my oldest kid40 --,there is a desire for security1 a need both real and psychological1 that afflicts all of us4 ,we all like to know that there is someone who will look after us when we are sick1 someone to comfort us when we are grieved1 someone to help us when we are weary4 ,women particularly feel this need for security4 ,in fact some observers who work a great deal in testing the reactions of women to the problems of life say that in women this yearning for security overshadows everything else4 ,women feel the need for security so much more keenly because1 if nothing else1 they are the 8weaker0 sex4 ,they are more dependent on men for their livelihood4 ,our returning veterans feel an intense need for another kind of security which marriage can give4 ,after years of uncertainty1 shifting1 and tearing down of life and property they desperately want to get a hold on something permanent1 and to many of them marriage looks like the very best way to do it4 --,for much the same reasons veterans want to raise families4 ,after so much destruction they want to build1 they want to create life1 life bearing their own likeness1 life that will continue after they are gone4 ,watching and guiding one's own children while they grow up is one of the greatest pleasures of marriage4 ,a couple who deliberately abstains from having children is a selfish couple4 ,surveys show they mostly do it out of selfishness1 the desire of the wife for a career or 8dislike for children40 ,these reasons are those we would expect from maladjusted people4 ,certainly by voluntarily remaining childless they miss one of the greatest chances to achieve a happy marriage4 ,by achieving a happy marriage and having children many people make up for the frustrations and disappointments they have received from life1 their dissatisfaction with their job and their own childhood4 ,children bring them compensation for their own failures4 --,finally1 marriage enables two people to work together in setting up common goals and--by dreaming1 planning1 struggling--to achieve those goals4 ,perhaps the goal is to build a home or take a vacation trip to ,south ,america together or to put a son through college4 ,the specific goals are not important4 ,the enrichment comes from the two people's merging their hopes and efforts toward one mutually-desired goal4 ,getting married is one of the biggest steps a person takes in life4 ,in fact1 for most people life boils down to coping with three big problems3 --,learning to get along with people4 --,choosing a career and succeeding in it4 --,picking a mate and living happily thereafter4 ,the three are interdependent4 ,marriage counselors have noticed the significant fact that the individual who makes friends readily1 who likes his work and is successful in it1 is also the person who tends to choose an excellent mate for himself and work out with that mate a happy marriage4 ,chapter ,,ii ,your ,chances of ,getting a ,mate ,you'll ,like ,first1 you might ask1 what are your chances of getting a mate of any kind8 ,if you are a man1 and are interested1 you can be almost one hundred per cent certain you will marry4 ,more than ten per cent of the eligible men today won't marry1 but that will largely be due to the fact that they prefer to remain bachelors4 ,if you are a girl the chances that you will marry are not quite as good4 ,at the start of the war about thirteen per cent of the girls were failing to marry4 ,the prospect now is that for several years after the war about fourteen or fifteen per cent will fail4 ,it will be a good market for men4 ,girls in some age brackets will be hit harder than others1 and we sympathize with the girls past twenty-five who feel they were passing the peak of the eligibility curve for marriage while many of the best male prospects were still away in the armed forces4 ,these girls have cause for concern4 ,the surplus of grown women over men--which is something new in our population--has been increased by war casualties4 ,and the number of men who prefer bachelorhood is apt to increase from ten per cent at present to perhaps fifteen per cent because the older a single man becomes the less he thinks about marriage4 ,this war has created a great many 8old0 single men4 ,it is estimated that between two million and five million of the marriageable women in ,america today will never marry4 ,sociologists are already worrying about this 8lost generation0 of our women between twenty and thirty-five1 with those in their late twenties presumably hit the hardest4 ,you may ask when a girl reaches the peak of her eligibility for marriage4 ,in normal years the peak is between nineteen and twenty-one1 and the curve declines markedly after the twenty-fifth birthday4 ,here are the chances for men and women to marry by certain ages3 ,,chances ,,of ,,white ,,males ,,and ,,white ,,females ,,being ,,married ,,by ,,various ,,ages 7#aidj ,,census7 ,,chances ,,of ,,chances ,,of ,,chances ,,of ,,marrying ,,at ,,some ,,by ,,age ,,being ,,married ,,being ,,married ,,particular ,,year ,,of ,,age ---------------------------------------- ------------------------- ,men ,women ,men ,women #ad #a in #ajjj #c in #ajjj #a in #ajjj #c in #ajjj #ae #b 0 #ab 0 #a 0 #i 0 #af #c 0 #ci 0 #a 0 #bg 0 #ag #g 0 #ij 0 #d 0 #ea 0 #ah #ba 0 #agg 0 #ad 0 #hg 0 #ai #ed 0 #bgj 0 #cc 0 #ic 0 #bj #aji 0 #cgb 0 #ee 0 #ajb 0 #ba #aij 0 #def 0 #ha 0 #hd 0 #bb #bgb 0 #ech 0 #hb 0 #hb 0 #bc #cga 0 #fac 0 #ii 0 #ge 0 #bd #deg 0 #fga 0 #hf 0 #eh 0 #be #eca 0 #gad 0 #gd 0 #dc 0 #bf #eib 0 #gdi 0 #fa 0 #ce 0 #bg #fej 0 #ghj 0 #eh 0 #ca 0 #bh #fid 0 #gii 0 #dd 0 #ai 0 #bi #gch 0 #hbc 0 #dd 0 #bd 0 #cj #gdh 0 #hbb 0 #aj 0 #a 0 #ca #gij 0 #hec 0 #db 0 #cj 0 #cb #gia 0 #hec 0 #a 0 #a 0 #cc #had 0 #hgj 0 #bc 0 #ag 0 #cd #hbh 0 #hgd 0 #ad 0 #d 0 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------- ,the odds for men show that only about one in ten marries before he is twenty-one2 one in three marry at ages twenty-one to twenty-five2 about three to ten marry between twenty-five and thirty1 and about one in ten marries between thirty and thirty-five4 ,a factor unfavorable to the older girls1 past twenty-five1 is that as men become older they tend to marry increasingly younger girls4 ,normally1 for example1 a man of twenty-five will marry a girl of twenty-two1 whereas a man of thirty-one will probably marry a girl of twenty-five4 ,that's why girls in the present twenty-five to thirty-five group may be hardest hit by the war4 ,one encouraging possibility1 however1 is that veterans are looking for more wisdom and maturity in their brides than civilians of the same age usually do4 ,there have been a good many reports of veterans marrying girls five and ten years their senior4 ,idealistically1 the best age for a girl to marry is from twenty-one to twenty-seven1 and for a man from twenty-five to thirty4 ,of all women who do marry1 about fifty-six per cent are married by their twenty-fifth birthday1 about eighty-four per cent by their thirtieth birthday and about ninety-five per cent by their thirty-fifth birthday4 ,after thirty-five a woman has to get busy if she wants to marry6 ,thirty-five is when an unmarried woman can no longer consider herself a 8young maid40 ,the marriage prospects for girls today would not be quite so unfavorable if our men would all seek mates4 ,as it is1 with from ten to fifteen per cent preferring to remain single1 at least a million girls will not have an opportunity to marry4 ,as far as we can gather the reason behind this masculine perversity is that boys1 unlike girls1 are not indoctrinated with the idea that marriage should be one of their big goals in life4 ,but why1 you may ask1 are there more eligible girls than men in ,america8 ,the imbalance caused by the war is not the only reason4 ,here are some other reasons for the shortage of males that looms3 --,men die younger than women4 ,the 8weaker sex0 is actually the tougher sex when it comes to reaching a ripe old age4 --,our male surplus of immigrants has been about used up4 ,immigration is a form of pioneering and has been considered primarily a task of man4 ,when the flow of immigrants was heavy it accounted for many thousands of our male surplus4 ,now the flow has dwindled to a trickle4 --,america is no longer a 8young0 nation4 ,and of course the older our population becomes1 the more feminine it becomes for the reasons mentioned above4 ,there are still more boy babies born in ,america than girl babies 7about #aje boys per hundred girls7 but because the males die faster--both by natural causes and by accidents--the males slip into the minority now after the age of twenty-five4 ,war affects marriage in very peculiar ways4 ,during the initial phase of ,world ,war ,,ii1 marriages increased at a spectacular rate4 ,this probably was due to the increasing prosperity 7prosperity increases both marriages and divorces67 and by the psychological incentives to mate as a result of war4 ,these include not only the impulses to elude the draft1 but the yearning of a boy to keep some visible contact with home and the yearning of the girl to have some concrete commitment from a man when so many of them were leaving the community to go to war4 ,by #aidb1 #a1hjj1jjj marriages took place in the country1 the highest number in history4 ,then the rate started dropping off as men became more scarce1 so that by #aidd the number of marriages was only #a1ddj1jjj4 ,in #aide the trend was changing4 ,judging from events after ,world ,war ,i1 the postwar years will see a spurt in marriages that may take the rate to nearly two million a year for a couple of years4 ,but that won't change the fact that a good many girls still will not have a chance to marry4 ,but even if you do marry1 what are the chances you will get a mate you like8 ,the answer depends a great deal on who you are4 ,we can assure you that such mates will not come automatically4 ,right now there are at least a million married couples who are waiting to get a divorce4 ,millions of other couples tolerate each other but are not happy by any standards we could apply to them4 ,many of the unsuccessful matches were 8war marriages0 hastily made4 ,a study made after the first war1 of marriages hastily contracted from #aiaf to #aibj show that those marriages were less happy for both men and women than those contracted before the war4 ,another study showed that the marriages undertaken immediately after men came back from ,world ,war ,i were not--on an average--as happy as they would have been normally4 ,the same will be true for many of the hurriedly contracted marriages in #aidf and #aidg4 ,these studies substantiate the fact that much greater likelihood of mismating exists when marriages are hastily contracted1 and especially when contracted at a time of high emotional excitement4 ,as this book is written one marriage in five is ending in divorce--and as we get further into the postwar years the rate will probably rise to at least one failure in every four marriages4 ,furthermore1 if the long-range trends continue the divorce rate will be one divorce for every two marriages by #aige6 ,hollywood stars1 and physicians in some states1 are already close to that rate4 ,that's pretty depressing to contemplate when you consider that fifteen years ago the rate was one failure in fourteen marriages4 ,perhaps the one encouraging aspect of the growing male shortage is that it may slow down the divorce rate4 ,divorces occur most frequently when men are plentiful4 ,when men are scarce women tend to hang on to what they have and need to be provoked before they will fly off to ,reno4 ,why is the divorce rate rising at such an ominous rate8 ,admittedly there are deeper reasons than the war for the trend4 ,civilization1 in becoming more complex1 puts greater strains and stresses on marriage4 ,unhappy married couples are not held together as much as they used to be by fears inspired by hell-and-damnation religion4 ,our movies and soap operas present marriage in a fantastically unreal light4 ,finally1 it seems that our standards for marriage happiness are now so low that people assume a couple is happy as long as the husband doesn't beat his wife openly4 ,you may be interested to know that all the trends indicate that more divorced men remarry than do divorced women4 ,in spite of the fact that each divorce separates a couple1 in #aidj there were twice as many feminine divorcees who had not remarried as there were unmarried male divorces4 ,the records also disclose the interesting fact that only about ten per cent of the women getting divorces ask alimony1 and that only six per cent get it4 ,your chances of getting a mate you will like are even affected by your sex4 ,if you are a girl your chances are not as good as if you were a man4 ,this is largely due to the fact that a girl cannot gracefully take the initiative in stalking a mate who looks attractive to her4 ,women enjoy being pursued1 but men still don't6 ,they don't want anything that seems too easy to win4 ,if the woman takes the initiative--at least if she takes it conspicuously--the world will think her aggressive1 and unladylike4 ,she will be thought 8common10 for instance1 if she goes to the phone and asks a boy for a date or if she proposes marriage4 ,despite the progress of feminine emancipation during this century1 and especially during ,world ,war ,,ii1 this is still a man's world4 ,and probably feminism will be on the defensive after the war when the veterans return and many of the women will be expected to retire gracefully to the kitchens4 ,at any rate1 our present moral standards apparently make it much more difficult for a girl to win some possible mate who interests her than it is for a man4 ,few of our younger people realize it but there are also a host of other factors that often limit the number of acceptable mates they are able to choose from4 ,marriage counselors use the phrase 8assortative mating0 to describe the way two people of the opposite sex pair up on the basis of being pretty much like each other and living in much the same neighborhood4 ,the term was first used to describe the way animals mate on the basis of similar size and color4 ,today's men and girls often set up criteria in selecting a mate that narrow their possible choices more than they realize4 ,a man often has some pretty specific ideas on the kind of girl he wants to marry1 and the girl has similar ideas about her husband-to-be4 ,the chances of a person getting a mate he will like becomes less and less as he raises his qualifications4 ,in the early days of ,american life1 when civilization was much simpler than it is today--and when people differed less in their social and economic status--a girl or man usually could find among five acquaintances someone suitable for marriage4 ,the situation is decidedly different today4 ,one authority in this field estimates that a girl1 for example1 needs to know twenty or twenty-five young men in order that she may have sufficient range to find someone eligible for her needs4 ,let's look at some of the little-considered factors that limit your choice4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,how ,,old ,,must ,,your ,,mate ,,be8 ,many people who are looking for a mate think it is bad for the bride to be older than the groom4 ,the girl is especially sensitive about this because she feels she may be losing prestige4 ,actually such marriages usually turn out to be happier than average because the girl is usually more eager to prove herself a good wife and is less apt to be a clinging vine2 but that doesn't change the fact that some people still frown on such marriages4 ,society also frowns on matches where there is a great difference in age4 ,for example marriages where the man is ten years older are viewed with alarm4 ,for reasons not too well understood1 marriages in which the husband is from four to seven years older than his bride are less happy than those involving any other age differences4 ,however1 if the man is eight or more years older1 no special handicap seems to be involved4 ,taken as a whole the happiest--and most socially approved--marriages are those in which the man is one to two years older4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,how ,,educated ,,must ,,your ,,mate ,,be8 ,all the studies that have been made of marriage show that as one's educational level rises1 an individual tends more and more to make a rational--and less emotional--choice of a mate4 ,the educated man has a greater range of choice than the educated woman1 because he is much more willing to marry under his educational level whereas a woman--again for reasons of prestige--is usually reluctant to do so4 ,if she goes to college1 she feels she has no choice but to restrict her selection to college men4 ,by so confining herself and by leading a more cloistered life than her cousin who never went past high school1 a college girl definitely reduces her chances of marrying4 ,whereas in the past nearly ninety per cent of our women have married1 it is estimated that only about seventy-five per cent of college women have married6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,how ,,much ,,money ,,must ,,your ,,mate ,,have8 ,if you have money yourself or have it in your family you are more apt to make a hard-headed choice for a mate than one who has little money4 ,he will marry more spontaneously4 ,if you think back you may remember that during the depression of #aibi-cc people of high economic status postponed marrying until more stable times whereas the people with small incomes went right on marrying1 if they could possibly manage it4 ,generally people tend to marry pretty much into their own economic class4 ,the girl who was raised in the poor section of town and is now working as a sales clerk in a five-and-ten store may yearn to marry a sophisticated man from a wealthy family1 but that is not the kind of mate she needs4 ,it is doubtful that she could be happy with him because their differences are too great4 ,there are exceptions1 of course4 ,occasionally we all read about1 and cheer1 a news report of a modern ,cinderella but we usually frown when we read of the opposite3 of a rich girl marrying a poor man4 ,that somehow seems abnormal to us4 ,the girl may lose caste4 ,a man of moderate means who himself married a debutante expressed his views on such arrangements however when he said to us3 8,never marry for money4 ,but it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich girl60 99 99 99 99 99 ,,how ,,about ,,the ,,mate',s ,,national ,,background ,,and ,,religion8 ,are you an ,american of ,italian extraction who would not consider marrying a girl of ,swedish background8 ,or are you a ,catholic who would not think of marrying anyone but another ,catholic8 ,you may have good reasons for your exclusiveness but the fact remains that your field has been narrowed4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,how ,,is ,,your ,,job ,,affecting ,,your ,,prospects8 ,people tend to marry mates who live conveniently near and who have similar interests4 7,about a fifth of all married couples meet each other at work47 ,a school teacher1 for example1 is much more likely to know school teachers of the opposite sex than to know physicians of the opposite sex4 ,yet many occupations are such that far more of one sex enter them than is true of the other4 ,for example1 there are normally nearly five women teachers to one man teacher2 seven or eight feminine librarians to one male librarian2 some twenty-five or thirty women in nursing to each man in somewhat similar work4 ,is it any wonder that the rate of marriage among school teachers1 librarians and among nurses is much lower than average8 ,girls who choose nursing for a career cut their marriage prospects by at least #ej percent4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,finally1 ,,how ,,is ,,geography ,,affecting ,,your ,,prospects ,,for ,,mates8 ,though the conditions of ,world ,war ,,ii broadened the matrimonial horizon of many men and girls as they moved about the country the fact remains that location is an important factor in confining the choice of millions of people4 ,in a study of several thousand marriages in ,philadelphia it was discovered that four out of five young people there selected their mates from within their own city4 ,in one out of three of the marriages the couple had lived within five blocks of each other before marriage4 ,looking at the country as a whole1 some towns and sections offer better marriage prospects than others4 ,this is a little known fact4 ,for example1 the cities of ,new ,england offer the poorest possibilities for young women to marry of any section of the country4 ,this is mainly because the textile industries in that area attract so many more women than men4 ,of the thirty ,united ,states cities offering the poorest opportunities for marriage for women1 twenty-two are in ,new ,england4 ,and of the thirty offering the best opportunities for women1 about half are in ,michigan1 ,ohio and ,northern ,indiana1 where the automotive industries--which attract far more men than women--are located4 ,it is interesting to note that during ,world ,war ,,ii the marriage rate increased very rapidly in areas with new war industries requiring a great number of men--shipbuilding1 aircraft1 metal working4 ,in ,baltimore1 the marriage rate went up nearly forty per cent2 in ,hartford1 important in aviation1 it went up twenty-five per cent4 ,areas that consistently favor girls by providing a surplus of eligible men are the ,far ,west and the ,southwest1 particularly ,texas4 ,the ,deep ,south is much less favorable4 ,where does your state stand on the ratio of eligible men to eligible women8 ,the typical ,american male marries at about twenty-five and a half and the typical female at twenty-two and a half1 or about three years earlier4 ,thus perhaps the fairest comparison would be to take the single men between twenty-three and twenty-eight and the single women between twenty and twenty-five4 ,the following table shows how each state rates in such a comparison4 ,it is based on the #aidj census4 ,,number ,,of ,,single ,,white ,,males #bc-bh ,,years ,,old ,,for ,,each #ajj ,,single ,,white ,,females #bj-be ,,years ,,old ,nevada #agg4ba ,indiana #ig4if ,wyoming #afd4ff ,georgia #ig4ef ,idaho #acj4fa ,illinois #ie4db ,california #abh4ja ,minnesota #ie4da ,arizona #abg4ji ,delaware #id4bi ,montana #abe4di ,missouri #id4bh ,washington #aba4gh ,mississippi #id4bj ,dist4 of ,col4 #aai4bj ,maine #ic4bj ,oregon #aaf4hb ,alabama #ic4ag ,new ,mexico #aac4ai ,iowa #ia4hc ,florida #aaa4ci ,new ,jersey #ia4ab ,texas #aji4ag ,ohio #ij4ib ,vermont #ajg4ej ,new ,york #ij4df ,virginia #ajf4fd ,pennsylvania #ij4ag ,maryland #ajf4ah ,tennessee #ij4jc ,north ,dakota #aje4gf ,nebraska #hi4ef ,colorado #ajb4ei ,utah #hi4bc ,michigan #aja4fh ,new ,hampshire #hi4ad ,louisiana #aja4fa ,kansas #hh4ff ,kentucky #ajj4ih ,connecticut #hh4eg ,wisconsin #ajj4hb ,south ,carolina #hg4ee ,arkansas #ii4bd ,north ,carolina #hf4ce ,west ,virginia #ii4ab ,massachusetts #hc4be ,south ,dakota #ih4cb ,rhode ,island #hb4fa ,oklahoma #ig4ii ,nevada leads the list as the paradise for girls since there are #agg men there for each #ajj girls4 ,at the other end of the scale ,rhode ,island is over-populated with females 7due to its many textile mills7 and so is an unpromising place for girls to find a mate but a fine place for men4 ,there are one hundred girls for every eighty-three men4 ,notice that all of the first nine states offering the best possibilities for girls are in the ,west1 and that the five most favorable states for men are in the ,east4 ,perhaps the old slogan 8,go ,west1 young man1 go ,west0 might be revised to read 8,go ,east1 young man2 go ,west1 young woman40 ,there is another age range that needs consideration4 ,that is1 the groups who have not married by the time most people marry4 ,these groups are the men between thirty and thirty-five and girls between twenty-five and thirty4 ,both these groups need to get busy because they face a very definite possibility of becoming crusty old bachelors or disgruntled spinsters4 ,since men past thirty tend to marry women who are more than three years younger than themselves it might be valid to compare the number of girls twenty-five to thirty to the men thirty to thirty-five4 ,here again the ,west is the great land of opportunity for girls while the ,carolinas and the ,new ,england textile states are still less inviting to girls4 ,one interesting thing is that in the ,southern states of ,kentucky1 ,virginia and ,louisiana a girl's ratio is pretty favorable up to twenty-five years but after that they become definitely not good places to find a husband4 ,if we take all single men as a whole and compare them to the single women1 without regard to age1 here is how the states seem to shape up3 ,,the ,,ten ,,best ,,for ,,women ,,the ,,ten ,,poorest ,,for ,,women ,,and ,,poorest ,,for ,,men ,,and ,,best ,,for ,,men ,wyoming ,massachusetts ,montana ,rhode ,island ,idaho ,connecticut ,washington ,new ,hampshire ,arizona ,new ,jersey ,california ,new ,york ,north ,dakota ,pennsylvania ,oregon ,ohio ,south ,dakota ,north ,carolina ,nevada ,missouri ,of the ten best states for women all are west of the ,mississippi1 and of the best states for men all but one is east of the ,mississippi4 ,while the states themselves are pretty good guides as to where to go to pick a mate1 the location within a particular state may be of even greater importance4 ,for example1 in ,virginia1 ,norfolk rates as a fine place for a girl to find a husband but ,richmond rates way down the scale4 ,here is a comparison of the number of white1 single girls in the twenty-five to thirty age group and of the white1 single men aged thirty to thirty-five in our #ajf cities having a population of fifty thousand or more4 7,in such a comparison1 incidentally1 virtually all of our cities show a surplus of older girls over older men when those two age groups are compared4 ,here1 however1 we are interested only in the relative desirability of cities47 ,,the ,,twenty ,,best ,,cities ,,for ,,the ,,twenty ,,poorest ,,cities ,,for ,,women ,,and ,,poorest ,,for ,,men ,,women ,,and ,,best ,,for ,,men 7in order7 7in order7 ,san ,diego1 ,cal4 ,madison1 ,wis4 ,san ,francisco1 ,cal4 ,lincoln1 ,neb4 ,norfolk1 ,va4 ,des ,moines1 ,ia4 ,miami1 ,fla4 ,jackson1 ,miss4 ,long ,beach1 ,cal4 ,evanston1 ,ill4 ,los ,angeles1 ,cal4 ,minneapolis1 ,minn4 ,phoenix1 ,ariz4 ,wichita1 ,kans4 ,oakland1 ,cal4 ,st4 ,paul1 ,minn4 ,tacoma1 ,wash4 ,nashville1 ,tenn4 ,sacramento1 ,cal4 ,winston-,salem1 ,n4 ,c4 ,san ,antonio1 ,tex4 ,knoxville1 ,tenn4 ,houston1 ,tex4 ,grand ,rapids1 ,mich4 ,detroit1 ,mich4 ,fort ,wayne1 ,ind4 ,baltimore1 ,md4 ,salt ,lake ,city1 ,utah ,pueblo1 ,colo4 ,new ,haven1 ,conn4 ,peoria1 ,ill4 ,omaha1 ,nebr4 ,mobile1 ,ala4 ,cleveland1 ,ohio ,trenton1 ,n4 ,j4 ,springfield1 ,ill4 ,jacksonville1 ,fla4 ,montgomery1 ,ala4 ,columbus1 ,ga4 ,hartford1 ,conn4 ,girls on farms and in small towns may fret to get to the big cities but their chances of marrying will be better in their rural communities1 where there are #ajd men for every hundred women1 than in the cities where the ratio is ninety-six men per hundred girls4 ,women's colleges and all-male colleges may have their advantages educationally but they can deprive you of the chance for normal contacts with the opposite sex1 and thus reduce your chances of marrying4 ,to get a fairly accurate idea of just what your marriage expectancy is1 considering all factors1 you should take the test reproduced with this chapter on 8,what ,is ,your ,marriage ,expectancy80 ,if your expectancy rating is low do not become pessimistic4 ,that's the worst thing that could happen4 ,rather decide what you want in a mate 444 find where such a mate exists 444 establish friendships that will lead to introductions 444 make yourself attractive to possible mates by studying their wants and needs and appearing to fill them4 ,this is a formula that will get almost anyone a mate if he or she really wants one4 ,,what ,,is ,,your ,,expectancy ,,of ,,marriage8 ,this test should show pretty clearly whether your chances of marrying are good1 or not so good4 ,be honest with yourself4 #a4 ,do you sometimes compliment a person1 even though it is not deserved8 ,yes ,no #b4 ,do you prefer 8different0 or unconventional people8 ,yes ,no #c4 ,do you often become involved in heated arguments8 ,yes ,no #d4 ,are you a good dancer and a good mixer8 ,yes ,no #e4 ,do your parents generally like the people you date8 ,yes ,no #f4 ,do your good friends include both men and women of about your own age8 ,yes ,no #g4 ,do you take an active part in two or more sports such as tennis1 swimming1 golf or bowling8 ,yes ,no #h4 ,do you seem to get about your share of invitations to mixed parties8 ,yes ,no #i4 ,do you and your dates frequently spend your evenings with other couples8 ,yes ,no #aj4 ,have you ever had a chance to become engaged8 ,yes ,no #aa4 ,do you seem to make a pretty good first impression8 ,yes ,no #ab4 ,do you weigh between #ajj and #adj if a girl and #acj and #ahj if a man8 ,yes ,no #ac4 ,are you generally in good health8 ,yes ,no #ad4 ,is your home cheerful and open to all of your friends8 ,yes ,no #ae4 ,have you met at least #bj members of the opposite sex in the past three years who seemed like conceivable marriage risks8 ,yes ,no #af4 ,do your friends visit you frequently8 ,yes ,no #ag4 ,do you live in a town or area that seems to have as many young people of the opposite sex as it has of your own8 ,yes ,no #ah4 ,do you usually get along with the parents of the people you date8 ,yes ,no #ai4 ,are you under #bg if a girl and under #cj if a man8 ,yes ,no #bj4 ,do your friends seem to think of you as cheerful and sociable8 ,yes ,no #ba4 ,do you visit other towns three or four times a year8 ,yes ,no #bb4 ,when you meet someone you know1 do you usually speak first8 ,yes ,no #bc4 ,do you usually remember names and faces of people you meet8 ,yes ,no #bd4 ,do you like to entertain a date at home8 ,yes ,no #be4 ,are you friendly or affectionate with persons you like8 ,yes ,no #bf4 ,would you marry a person three years younger or older than you are8 ,yes ,no #bg4 ,do you date fairly often8 ,yes ,no #bh4 ,are you a good listener8 ,yes ,no #bi4 ,do you find it easy to talk to strangers8 ,yes ,no #cj4 ,is your voice pleasing and modulated8 ,yes ,no #ca4 ,do you frequent places where members of the opposite sex are8 ,yes ,no #cb4 ,do you like to watch baseball1 football or boxing8 ,yes ,no #cc4 ,have you 8gone steady0 with two or more persons8 ,yes ,no #cd4 ,if a girl do you live west of the ,mississippi or if a man do you live in the ,east8 ,yes ,no ,the correct answer to the first three questions is no1 and to all the remaining thirty-one questions yes4 ,if you answered twenty-five or more of the questions correctly then you have a high 8expectancy0 rating4 ,if you answered only eight or less of them correctly then your chances of marrying are definitely poor unless you take action to improve your eligibility4 ,chapter ,,iii ,are ,you ,ready for ,married ,love8 ,the answer to this question is deceptively simple4 ,you are ready if you are old enough4 ,but how old are you8 ,there are several yardsticks besides the calendar for measuring your age4 ,educators enjoy telling the story of the wise young orphan4 ,when a sweet old lady leaned over and asked him his age the young man removed his glasses1 polished them thoughtfully for a minute and then replied3 8,my psychological age1 ,madam1 is twelve years2 my moral age is ten years2 my social age is eight years2 my anatomical and physiological ages are respectively six and seven2 but ,i have not been informed of my chronological age4 ,that1 ,i understand1 is a matter of comparative insignificance40 ,when we ask you if you are old enough to marry1 we mean mature enough4 ,and maturity1 as it bears on your readiness for marriage1 can be measured in at least five ways3 physiological1 mental1 vocational1 sexual and emotional maturity4 ,by these standards some people are not old enough to marry when they are thirty-five6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,how ,,old ,,are ,,you ,,physiologically8 ,the adolescence of the early teens is characterized by rapid bodily growth--growth in height1 weight and sexual development4 ,by eighteen1 however1 you are nearly as tall as you will ever be4 ,sexual growth1 while not complete 7especially for a girl71 has reached a point where reproduction is possible4 ,general growth slows down considerably and by twenty-four has just about stopped4 ,for purposes of marriage the average person is 8mature0 physiologically by the age of twenty4 ,but some require more time1 because of glandular disturbances4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,how ,,old ,,are ,,you ,,mentally8 ,we do not mean what is your ,i4,q41 which is a measure of your capacity to learn1 but rather the accumulation of your learning4 ,in short1 how wise are you8 ,normally a person must live twenty-one or twenty-two years before he has seen enough of life through schooling and practical experience to take on the responsibilities that go with marriage4 ,if you have led a sheltered or one-sided life it will probably take longer4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,how ,,old ,,are ,,you ,,vocationally8 ,a man1 certainly1 is not mature until he has established that he can earn a living4 ,a college degree1 a license to practice medicine1 to teach1 or to practice barbering are not enough4 ,there must be a successful work record and that cannot be present until a person has used his vocational knowledge to make a living for a period of not less than one year4 ,once it was thought that girls needed no special training vocationally but that notion is pretty well outdated now4 ,modern women like to feel independent1 and frequently their ability to earn money is called into use4 ,perhaps the husband is a disabled war veteran1 or perhaps the wife feels she needs a career to earn money4 ,at the least1 the girl entering marriage should already be capable of managing a home--and that requires skill and knowledge that can't be learned in a night club4 ,since some occupations require many more years of education and training than others1 vocational maturity can fall anywhere between eighteen and twenty-six1 but for most people it doesn't come until about the age of twenty-two4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,how ,,old ,,are ,,you ,,sexually8 ,sexual maturity implies far more than the ability to beget or bear a child4 ,most morons can do this4 ,sexual maturity is largely determined by childhood and it is something most people either have or don't have4 ,a youngster who was reared by parents who were well balanced emotionally1 who were ready listeners to his problems1 who explained comprehensively the magic and mystery of sex functions to him1 will usually be ready to face the problems of sexual adolescence4 ,during adolescence he will be subjected to many strains4 ,he will undergo many glandular changes and begin to have sexual capacity4 ,the reproductive apparatus approaches maturity between the ages of twelve and fourteen4 ,the boy has emissions4 ,the girl begins to menstruate4 ,both often are disturbed or even frightened by these new functions1 unless the parent has been wise enough to prepare them for the changes4 ,during adolescence they start 8dating10 which at first is done self-consciously and awkwardly4 ,their state of mind is made more nervous if the parents tease or ridicule these first steps in courting4 ,when the boy and girl emerge from adolescence about the age of eighteen1 they have achieved sexual maturity if all has gone well4 ,if so3 --,there is freedom from repression and inhibitions concerning sex4 --,there is no disgust or aversion as far as sex is concerned4 --,likewise there is no abnormal curiosity or longing for sexual information or experience4 --,he or she may still be shy or self-conscious at first when in the presence of someone of the opposite sex but both soon get over it when they find activities to share4 ,this is normally easy because by eighteen youngsters have acquired skill in dancing1 card playing1 sports1 hobbies1 and conversing4 ,if by eighteen or twenty a person hasn't acquired sexual maturity in the sense described1 it might be a good idea to consult a marriage counseling bureau1 a college psycho-educational clinic1 a psychologist or some other person trained in helping normal people achieve normal adjustments4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,how ,,old ,,are ,,you ,,emotionally8 ,this is by far the most significant of all your ages in determining your readiness to marry6 ,most of the research on marriage indicates that people who lack 8emotional maturity0 rarely achieve a happy marriage4 ,what is emotional maturity1 you may ask8 ,it's a state of mind that includes ability to get along with people 444 ability to find satisfaction and reward in work 444 ability to recognize and solve problems which involve your relations with others 444 and finally it includes freedom from instability and neuroticism4 ,as in sexual maturity 7which is closely related to emotional maturity7 the first ten years of life are apparently the most important in determining if you will be emotionally stable4 ,certainly by the age of eighteen a person should have a pretty firm hold on his emotions4 ,if he has not acquired such balance by twenty-one or twenty-two the outlook is not too promising1 and he should deliberately set out to achieve better control of himself4 ,a stenographer of twenty-four came to the ,penn ,state ,marriage ,counseling ,service for advice after she had had a dozen promiscuous affairs with men4 ,she came from a broken home where her parents had taken only an erratic interest in her and she showed serious signs of emotional instability1 as do virtually all promiscuous girls and men4 ,here is the verbatim report that was written on ,sandra4 ,it provides a classic picture of emotional instability3 ,sandra feels inferior1 does many unconventional things1 has few standards or ideals4 ,badly maladjusted1 she flits from one boy to another1 seeking new thrills4 ,quite promiscuous and highly sexed1 she has had sexual affairs with #ab or #ac men4 ,somewhat popular while in college1 with attractive face and nice figure1 she was dated by many boys1 none of whom even went with her for more than four dates4 ,easily persuaded to any course of action1 she could readily excuse any breach of behavior4 ,changeable and selfish1 but anxious to be known as a 8,campus ,queen10 she openly sought dates and a sort of dubious and short-lived popularity4 ,because of her instability1 total lack of standards1 ideals and morals1 and her selfishness and shallowness1 she is unlikely to marry unless she catches a rich 8sucker40 ,she is in six 8danger zones0 on her ,audit ,profile4 ,may the ,lord help the poor man who is inveigled into marriage4 ,no boy has ever proposed marriage to her1 a fact that has hurt her vanity4 ,to pin emotional maturity down more specifically1 here side by side are eight traits1 one or more of which are frequently noted in persons who are considered 8emotionally immature10 and eight noted in mature persons4 ,,immature ,,mature #a4 ,is aggressive and domineering4 #a4 ,gets along with people4 #b4 ,is rebellious and 8bullheaded40 #b4 ,has satisfying home life4 #c4 ,is full of hates and prejudices4 #c4 ,profits from his mistakes4 #d4 ,is often victim of illusions4 #d4 ,is successful in his work4 #e4 ,has many phobias1 inhibitions4 #e4 ,respects authority and #f4 ,is victim of imaginary pains1 customs4 stuttering1 hysteria1 tremors1 #f4 ,he faces his problems4 insomnia4 #g4 ,accepts responsibility for #g4 ,is high-strung4 own acts4 #h4 ,is often indecisive and anxious4 #h4 ,he is consistent and predictable4 ,a person can be emotionally unstable and not show all of those symptoms but he undoubtedly will show some of them4 ,what can anyone do to improve his control over his emotions1 and thus achieve greater emotional maturity8 ,here are a few suggestions3 --,try to look at yourself objectively4 ,try to do so especially in connection with your relations with others4 ,are you reasonable rather than prejudiced8 ,can you recognize that a man may be a fine person even though he is a ,republican or a ,democrat1 that he is a good person even though he may be a ,protestant or a ,catholic8 ,do you honestly try to make decisions on the basis of facts rather than on the basis of feelings1 or imaginary facts that are more agreeable to you8 ,sit down every few weeks and try deliberately to look at yourself as others must see you4 ,would you like yourself if you were someone else8 --,learn to laugh at yourself4 ,the person who can laugh at himself1 or who can laugh at the things he loves and continue to love them1 is the person who is most likely to have insight into himself4 ,and that insight is important in emotional maturity4 ,if you have a sense of the ridiculous you can see fun in many of your own activities1 and in doing so are able to relax and feel happy4 ,you learn to laugh at your troubles1 yet at the same time do your best to improve the situation4 ,this ability to see the ridiculous side acts as a cushion and helps you maintain your stability1 even when things are most exasperating4 --,set up a confidential relationship with some other person4 ,telling your problems to another person helps you define the problem in your own mind1 it furnishes relief from the tensions you have built up1 and it brings another person's point of view into the picture4 ,one of the biggest single values in marriage is the fact that it provides husband and wife a confidant in each other1 and gives them the confidential relationship that is so important to mental integration4 --,seek work that satisfies you4 ,nothing will prevent you from getting a hold on your emotions more than being confined every day to work that is disagreeable to you4 ,if you find it is uninteresting or doesn't challenge you or doesn't offer any opportunity as a stepping stone to more challenging work1 change jobs4 ,but do it intelligently1 because the person who is a frequent job-jumper is not a good marriage risk4 ,recently we talked to a man who is forty-four years of age4 ,he had been divorced once1 is now unhappily living with a second wife1 wants to divorce her and marry a third woman4 ,his job record shows that he has held thirty-nine different jobs in his life4 ,is it any wonder that he is unlikely to find happiness or stability in life8 ,he does not know what he wants1 can't learn from experience1 and is pursuing a will-o'-the-wisp4 --,when you have a problem face it squarely4 ,define the problem1 get all the facts1 and line up alternative solutions in case the first course isn't successful4 ,many people seem incapable of defining their problems4 ,when they are faced with a frustrating situation1 they frequently are unable to vary their attack upon it4 ,when a girl can't get her way she cries4 ,crying may bring her some reduction of tension1 but it does not solve the problem4 ,the emotionally mature person can keep his head1 figure out something to do1 but the immature person gives up or cries or gets drunk4 ,we have devoted so much more space to your emotional age than to the other four ages--physiological1 mental1 vocational and sexual--because it is so fundamental to marriage success4 ,if you find after reading this chapter you want to know more about developing your own maturity1 you will find further suggestions in the chapters 8,getting ,along with the ,other ,sex10 8,attracting the ,one ,you ,want10 and 8,crucial ,traits for ,marriage ,happiness40 ,when all the five 8ages0 are taken into consideration it would seem that a girl should not consider marriage until she is at least nineteen or twenty and the man should not before he is twenty-one or twenty-two4 ,those are minimum ages for normal men and girls4 ,those who develop slower than average in any of the five ages should try to wait a year or two longer before deciding about marriage4 ,,are ,,you ,,old ,,enough ,,to ,,marry8 ,your chronological age is not as important as some of your other ages in determining whether you are ready for marriage4 ,the informal check below may give you a rough idea of your maturity for marriage4 ,physiological ,maturity ,are you #bj years old or older8 ,yes ,no ,are you in general good health8 ,yes ,no ,as far as you know is your glandular balance normal8 ,yes ,no ,mental ,maturity ,did you finish the eighth grade without repeating more than one grade8 ,yes ,no ,do you read the news daily8 ,yes ,no ,by age #bj had you completed at least two years of college or earned your own living for #b years8 ,yes ,no ,vocational ,maturity ,are you prepared by education or experience to make a living in a specific occupation1 or in managing a home8 ,yes ,no ,have you attained your #bb;d birthday8 ,yes ,no ,do you have a job doing work for which you have prepared8 ,yes ,no ,sexual ,maturity ,have you been dating at least once a month since age #af8 ,yes ,no ,are your attitudes toward sex free from disgust or aversion8 ,yes ,no ,were your parents easy to talk to about sex8 ,yes ,no ,emotional ,maturity ,do you get along well with people8 ,yes ,no ,do you trust people and do they trust you8 ,yes ,no ,do you usually do today what is supposed to be done today8 ,yes ,no ,give yourself one point for each yes answer4 ,you should have a total score of at least twelve and should have no less than two yes answers in each category if you are to be judged old enough to marry4 ,,are ,,you ,,grown ,,up ,,emotionally8 ,more than almost anything else1 your rating on 8emotional maturity0 reveals your chances of achieving a happy marriage4 ,here is a more detailed test of your rating on this crucial trait4 ,answer yes only if you are sure4 #a4 ,can you accept criticism without having your feelings hurt8 ,yes ,no #b4 ,are you normally free from jealousy8 ,yes ,no #c4 ,when you have differences with people can you usually work out compromises that satisfy you and don't leave hard feelings8 ,yes ,no #d4 ,do you behave yourself because it seems the natural thing to do and not because you fear the consequences of misbehaving8 ,yes ,no #e4 ,do you think most people are honest1 decent and worth while8 ,yes ,no #f4 ,are you happy most of the time--and free from violent emotional outbursts8 ,yes ,no #g4 ,before beginning a new project or making a final decision do you honestly weigh the arguments for and against it8 ,yes ,no #h4 ,can you be away from the place you live for a month without getting homesick8 ,yes ,no #i4 ,do you willingly abide by established authority and the customs of your community8 ,yes ,no #aj4 ,can you make your own personal decisions without depending on friends and relatives to help you make up your mind8 ,yes ,no #aa4 ,are you free from vague aches1 nail biting1 flustered stammering8 ,yes ,no #ab4 ,can you postpone something you want to do now in order to have greater enjoyment later8 ,yes ,no #ac4 ,are you living zestfully in the present instead of bragging about past deeds8 ,yes ,no #ad4 ,do you go to sleep easily and normally slumber without nightmares8 ,yes ,no #ae4 ,do you get along well with your parents1 relatives1 and close friends8 ,yes ,no #af4 ,when things go wrong do you find the cause and correct it instead of blaming others or lamenting your bad breaks8 ,yes ,no #ag4 ,are you living up to the responsibilities which go along with the privileges given to you8 ,yes ,no #ah4 ,have you friends among both sexes1 some older and some younger than you are8 ,yes ,no ,if you honestly answered yes to fourteen of these or more you are more mature emotionally than the average person4 ,if you answered yes to sixteen or more you should have an exceptionally good chance for a happy marriage4 ,chapter ,,iv ,is ,it ,love--or ,infatuation8 8,love0 is unquestionably the most abused word in the ,english language4 ,people 8love0 puppies1 or they 8love0 ice cream4 ,women commonly close their letters to acquaintances with the word 8love0 as do all relatives when they write to one another4 ,boys trying to get a kiss from their girl friends mumble something about love4 ,that's to make the giving easier for the girl4 ,then there are different kinds of genuine love4 ,a mother loves her two-year-old baby just as wholeheartedly as she loves her husband4 ,and she loves her husband now just as much as she did as a girl eight years ago when she 8fell0 in love with him1 but the love is different4 ,she was more misty-eyed then4 ,she didn't realize it but the earlier love was heavily flavored by sexual attraction4 ,now sex is still present in her regard for her husband but the bond is primarily a deep feeling of comradeship4 ,and with the baby1 of course1 true sexual feelings are not involved at all4 ,in all three of the cases1 however1 she had developed a deep concern for the welfare of the loved one2 and in all three of the cases the loved one had similar feelings of attachment to her4 ,right here you have the gist of true love1 whether parental1 conjugal or romantic4 ,still1 it is often difficult to know if your 8love0 is the real thing4 ,two out of five of the girls who come to the ,penn ,state ,marriage ,counseling ,service for advice about their affairs think they are in love but aren't sure4 ,one girl was really confused4 ,she reported that she was terribly in love with two different men at the college4 ,one was on the basketball team4 ,the other played in a campus orchestra4 ,she did not know which one she loved the more and wanted to be told which to choose4 ,tests soon established beyond a doubt that she had the warmest kind of physical feeling for both men4 ,but the tests also showed that she was primarily fascinated by them as 8catches40 ,she wasn't actually in love with either1 and was so informed4 ,she was the victim of double infatuation4 ,how can you tell love from infatuation8 ,dr4 ,henry ,bowman of ,stephens ,college offers these points of distinction3-- ,infatuation may come suddenly but loves takes time4 ,infatuation can be based on one or two traits 7usually including sex appeal7 whereas love is based on many traits4 ,in infatuation the person is in 8love0 with love1 whereas in love1 the person is in love with another person4 ,in infatuation the other person is thought of as a separate entity and employed for self-gratification4 ,in real love there is a feeling of identity with the other person4 ,infatuation produces feelings of insecurity and wishful thinking whereas love produces a sense of security4 ,in infatuation you suffer loss of ambition1 appetite1 etc41 whereas in love you work and plan to please the other person4 ,the physical element is much more important in infatuation than in love4 ,infatuation may change quickly but love lasts4 ,in general you can be surer that it is really love if it has developed over a period of time rather than if it comes all of a sudden4 ,but1 you may ask1 how about those couples who are 8meant for each other0 and 8fell in love at first sight40 ,both are nice romantic notions1 but both have little validity in fact4 ,there is no one person in the world for anyone4 ,we don't expect happily married couples or happily engaged couples to believe that but all the evidence indicates it is true4 ,there are hundreds1 indeed thousands1 of people that you could fall in love with and be happily married to4 7,and there are1 of course1 thousands and perhaps millions of people you would be miserable with as mates47 ,the only sense in which there can be a 8one and only0 for you is that there may be only one good prospect within your range of possible acquaintanceship4 ,it is the multitude of good possible mates that sometimes makes it difficult for a girl to choose between two men4 ,it is the multitude of possibilities that produces triangular situations after marriages2 and it is this multitude of available mates in ,america that makes it possible for a girl to find and love a man in her own community rather than to have to go from ,maine to ,california to meet a 8one and only40 ,as for instantaneous love1 a girl has about as much chance of 8falling in love at first sight0 as she does of becoming ,cinderella4 ,at times couples experience 8infatuation at first sight0 which may or may not later mature into love4 ,and ordinarily the infatuation is based about eighty per cent on sexual attraction4 8,love at first sight0 also often occurs when you come across someone who happens to match your 8phantasy ideal0 for a mate4 ,if you have always dreamed of a bride with large brown eyes1 a turned-up nose and a shapely figure--and you are ripe for mating--you fall for the first girl matching that description4 ,it is a mighty hazardous way to try to pick a mate4 ,other people think they fall in love 8at first sight0 because they are desperately anxious to have some one to hold to1 and clutch at the first person who comes along4 ,they suffer from feelings of insecurity4 ,this was particularly true of girls during the war4 ,one girl who came to the ,penn ,state clinic was rapturous about her coming marriage to an army lieutenant stationed temporarily at the college4 ,why did she love him8 ,she was pretty vague about that and seemed to resent the question4 ,what did they have in common in the way of interests and ideals8 ,the only thing she could think of was that they both liked to bowl4 ,it soon developed that what she was in love with was the idea of getting married4 ,she was twenty-seven and nervous about her future4 ,that she was sincerely convinced she was in love with the man was a tribute to her own powers of self-deception4 ,she realized that she should in all decency be in love with the man she was going to marry1 and convinced herself that she was4 ,frequently two people fall so madly in 8love0 soon after meeting that they feel they must marry immediately4 ,this tendency is so well known that most marriage counselors rightfully question if a state of true love exists when the two people feel they will die if they don't get married tomorrow or next week4 ,real love can wait4 ,it can make sacrifices2 it is not something that has to be rushed4 ,the more urgent the desire to get married immediately1 the greater the likelihood that it is infatuation and that the infatuation may die out as abruptly as it sprang into being4 ,but why1 you may ask1 is love at first sight so improbable8 ,why can't you fall in love as easily immediately as you can after weeks of knowing each other8 ,here we get to the essence of love1 which ,webster's dictionary defines as3 8,desire for1 and earnest effort to promote the welfare of1 another40 ,love is not a trap you fall into4 ,it is a state of respect for and comradeship with another that has developed from the fact that you both have similar tastes1 ideals and yearnings4 ,such comradeship cannot come as a result of one date4 ,cynics have said that 8love is of all feelings the most egoistic and consequently is1 when crossed1 the least generous40 ,that assumes love is possessive and selfish4 ,genuine love as we understand it today is the medium through which the fullest development of the personalities of a man and woman may take place4 ,and it involves a keen desire for the welfare of the loved person4 ,there is nothing egoistic about real love6 ,here briefly are some conditions that are usually present before love can develop3 --,the two persons have had experiences together that have caused each to react favorably to the other4 --,they have each found present in the other qualities1 standards and ideals which they admire4 --,their sexual feelings have been so favorably conditioned1 without their realizing it1 that they find great pleasure just in being in each other's presence4 --,each one in some way fulfills some of the motives that are of importance to the other1 such as desire for social approval or1 with a man1 mastery4 ,there are many people for whom it is utterly impossible to fall in love4 ,for a few this is due to physical inadequacy4 ,but to most it is a result of unfavorable conditioning that has made them selfish or afraid of contact with the opposite sex4 ,how does a person get the ability to fall in love8 ,from a physical standpoint certain hormones pour into the blood stream of a man or woman past puberty that create sexual tension4 ,but that only starts to explain the complexity of the love relationship4 ,your ability to fall in love depends for the most part on your own previous experience as far back as childhood4 ,in the beginning1 for example1 your mother met all your needs4 ,every time you cried your mother rushed to you1 to feed you1 to give you a drink1 to change your diaper or to remove a pin that was sticking in you4 ,gradually in your mind the mother becomes associated with everything pleasant1 with eating1 the relief of thirst1 the elimination of pain4 ,you probably became attached to her with a depth of love and affection that lasted for many years4 ,similarly your mother received pleasure from hearing your coos when she gave you relief from pain1 she received the approval of your father for bearing you and the admiring comments on you from the neighbors2 and she satisfied her motive of mastery by having something 7you7 under her control4 ,her love deepened for you4 ,it has been observed in the ,south1 where the nursemaids may often spend more time with the child than the mother does that the child becomes more favorably conditioned to the nursemaid than to the mother4 ,that illustrates that love is a learned process4 ,as you grew older and began playing with children you learned to like those with whom playing was fun and you learned to dislike those where your association was marked only by dissatisfaction and unpleasantness4 ,similarly if your early associations with those of the opposite sex were all marked by unpleasantness and nervous tension you tended to stick to those of your own sex2 but if they were marked with pleasure you turned more and more to the other sex4 ,even the appearance of the girl that a young man likes is due to pleasant associations with other persons who had one or more of the characteristics that his girl has4 ,it is not just accident that girls are more likely to fall in love with boys who have characteristics resembling their own fathers than they are with boys who don't4 ,similarly a boy is more likely to fall in love with a girl who resembles his own mother than with a girl who doesn't4 ,if your early life has been marked by strife in the home and tension in your relation with people your own age1 then you have been poorly conditioned for the comradeship married love can provide4 ,and you probably will have the greatest difficulty finding happiness in marriage4 ,but if your relationships with people have been relatively serene1 you will find it easy to learn to love someone of the opposite sex4 ,you will find that when you do certain things you receive approval by way of happy smiles and rewards4 ,gradually you learn to put your best foot forward4 ,you and your date both are conditioned to be on your best behavior and if you have many things in common develop a deep friendship with each other4 ,then1 if the conditioning during the friendship is quite favorable1 your mutual feeling of appreciation and affection for each other grows and finally ripens into love4 ,there you have it4 ,in your love for each other you will both gradually become sexually vibrant and you both will begin to feel a need for sexual expression through each other4 ,as this need becomes increasingly strong1 you both begin to think of engagement and marriage4 ,ideally when your need for each other becomes so strong that it can no longer be denied1 you are married4 ,,are ,,you ,,really ,,in ,,love8 ,the first thing many counselors like to find out when people come to them about the possibility of marrying is to find out whether they are actually in love4 ,here are some questions which quickly disclose whether a person is afflicted with the real thing or is just infatuated by good looks and sex appeal4 ,answer each question truthfully regardless of what you think the correct answer should be4 #a4 ,do you have a great number of things that you like to do together8 ,yes ,no #b4 ,do you have a feeling of pride when you compare your friend to any other you have known8 ,yes ,no #c4 ,do you feel you need to apologize for certain things about him8 ,yes ,no #d4 ,do you suffer from a feeling of unrest when away from him or her8 ,yes ,no #e4 ,have you a strong desire to please him or her and are you quite glad to give way on your own preferences8 ,yes ,no #f4 ,do you have any difficulty carrying on a conversation with each other8 ,yes ,no #g4 ,even when you quarrel do you still enjoy being together8 ,yes ,no #h4 ,do you actually want to marry this person8 ,yes ,no #i4 ,would you be afraid to trust him or her in the presence of another attractive person of your own sex for an evening8 ,yes ,no #aj4 ,does he or she have the qualities you would like to have in your children8 ,yes ,no #aa4 ,do your friends and associates mostly admire this person and think he1 or she1 would be a good match for you8 ,yes ,no #ab4 ,do you ever wonder if he1 or she1 is faithful8 ,yes ,no #ac4 ,do your parents think you are in love8 7,they are very discerning about such things47 ,yes ,no #ad4 ,have you started planning1 at least in your own mind1 what kind of wedding1 children1 and home you will have8 ,yes ,no #ae4 ,are you conscious of being jealous of him1 or her8 ,yes ,no #af4 ,is this person attractive to you not only in appearance but in the way he talks1 acts and thinks8 ,yes ,no #ag4 ,do you approve generally of each other's friends8 ,yes ,no #ah4 ,do you wonder if he1 or she1 is being sincere in what he tells you8 ,yes ,no #ai4 ,do you have a wealth of things to discuss and do together8 ,yes ,no #bj4 ,when outside trouble develops for one of you does the crisis tend to pull you together rather than apart8 ,yes ,no #ba4 ,are there many things on which you disagree8 ,yes ,no #bb4 ,do you find that in thinking of the future it is always in terms of two rather than of yourself alone8 ,yes ,no #bc4 ,can you imagine how he or she will appear at #dj and still feel as deeply attached to him as before8 ,yes ,no #bd4 ,do you have serious doubts about your love for him8 ,yes ,no ,if you have a perfect score you answered every third question 7#c1 #f1 #i1 #ab1 #ae1 #ah1 #ba1 #bd7 with ,no and all the others with ,yes4 ,did you have twenty or more 8correct0 answers8 ,if so1 we would judge you to be solidly in love4 ,if you did not1 you should be skeptical until you receive further proof4 ,chapter ,v ,growing ,up ,sexually ,your ability to undertake marriage successfully has already been determined in large part before you even start4 ,it has been determined by experiences you have had with sex generally and with the opposite sex particularly4 ,possibly you are already seriously handicapped by repressions and fears on the subject4 ,to ignore or fear sex is no more sensible than to ignore any of the other emotions you possess4 ,sexual desire is a natural desire4 ,without it your personality would become impoverished4 ,without it there would be few marriages4 ,without it there would be few children and few homes4 ,sex is nothing to be ashamed of or be whispered about4 ,you can have love without sex and sex without love but neither alone is very satisfying or enriching4 ,for example many men are capable of sexual activity with women for whom they could find no pleasure in social associations4 ,were it not for this fact there would be no prostitution4 ,likewise it is true there are many wives who love their husbands and engage in sexual activity with them1 but without feeling any sexual urge whatsoever and without feeling any physical satisfaction4 ,the ideal arrangement1 however1 is that in which the two people have genuine love and affection for each other and at the same time have strong sex desire for each other and find sexual satisfaction in each other4 ,a very large proportion of the fears1 repressions and anxieties that people suffer from involve sex one way or another4 ,many of these repressions are revealed in such things as frigidity and impotence4 ,the individual who is ashamed and afraid of sex will be repressed in married life unless the attitude is corrected1 and will find it difficult to adjust to marriage4 ,when such persons are married the feelings of shame or guilt about sex may prevent sexual satisfaction4 ,this lack of satisfaction1 and the tension that goes with it1 may produce nervousness1 aches and pains and even nervous breakdowns4 ,many married people1 particularly wives1 suffer from repression4 ,while sexual maladjustment is not the only cause of unhappiness in marriage it does play a significant part4 ,it is estimated that one-fifth of all married people turn to masturbation as one of the ways to reduce the sexual tensions not satisfied through intimate relationships with the mate4 ,how do these so-called repressions develop8 ,where do we learn about sex8 ,our sex experiences--whether good or bad--started when we were babies4 ,we reacted in a very favorable way to the fondling1 caressing and other skin stimulation of our mothers4 ,love and affection came to be associated in our minds with fondling and stroking4 ,sometimes as the baby grows older the parent lavishes too much affection on the child because the mother is hungry for affection which is not forthcoming from her husband4 ,this excessive love-conditioning may cause the child to become intensely attached to the mother and makes it difficult for the child to break away as it grows up4 ,not only this1 but in addition the excessive fondling and favorable attention may cause the child to have an excessive desire for sympathy and social approval4 ,ergo1 we have a 8spoiled child40 ,this spoiled child grows up feeling very sorry for himself and insecure when he is not receiving sympathy4 ,in marriage1 he or she becomes quite possessive because he or she wants to be the constant center of attention4 ,but to get back to when you were a growing child4 ,many of the feelings of guilt1 shame or fear that people suffer from concerning sex begin then4 ,perhaps the child is detected in the act of exploring his sex organs4 ,it is probably normal curiosity but the parents punish him so severely that the child feels exceedingly guilty about it4 ,perhaps the child hears a four-letter ,anglo-,saxon word4 ,proud of this new acquisition he comes home and uses it with his parents4 ,the parents are dumfounded1 show their intense disapproval1 and may wash the child's mouth out with soap4 ,or perhaps the child asks how babies are made and the parent may rebuff the child or act so mysterious that the child concludes he has done something for which he should be ashamed4 ,on the other hand1 if as a child you had a confidential relationship with your parents and found that when you took such problems to them they would try to give you answers you could comprehend you developed a normal1 healthy attitude toward sex4 ,repression usually occurs only when something happens to us for which we feel ashamed or guilty or fearful4 ,it would seem to us that no child should be permitted to reach the age of five or six without knowing where babies come from4 ,it furthermore seems to us that no child should reach the age of ten without knowing what produces or causes babies4 ,now we come to the period that affected you most profoundly in your sexual development1 puberty4 ,can you remember how your life and body were changed from the time you were twelve to fourteen8--that is1 when you were first endowed with sexual capacity4 ,whether you were a boy or girl1 your sex glands 7gonads7 began pouring their hormones into the blood stream in great quantities4 ,perhaps you did not realize it at the time but you began feeling more tense1 more energetic1 and began exhibiting what might be called 8animal spirits40 ,farmers shake their heads sadly at their youngsters during this period and resign themselves to the fact that the youths won't be over 8,fool's ,hill0 until they are sixteen4 ,it probably was during your early teens that you had your first great 8love0 affair1 if you were normal4 ,puppy love is one of the sweetest loves that one ever has4 ,it usually makes its appearance at about the time the girl begins to menstruate and the boy becomes capable of having sexual emissions4 ,this first love of yours was romantic and idealistic4 ,probably you 8fell in love0 with a girl in the next aisle1 passed notes to her and picked flowers on the way to school for her4 ,you walked home together after school and if you did manage to conquer your embarrassment and kiss1 it is a kiss you will never forget4 ,you did not realize that those hormones pulsing through your body were responsible for this 8crush0 and did not realize why you were more tense and energetic4 ,to reduce the tension1 though1 you looked at each other and something about your past conditioning made each of you find something appealing in the other4 ,sometimes these first 8loves0 endure but more likely you are soon both in 8love0 with new 8flames0 that suddenly appeared more appealing4 ,puppy love1 you see1 is an early version of infatuation4 ,as a child your sexual feelings were diffused over the body surface but with puberty those feelings came more and more to be localized in certain sensitive areas of the body1 called 8erogenous zones10 if you had normal contacts with the other sex4 ,in the case of girls whose contact with sex is carefully guarded1 however1 it is quite possible that sex desire may remain diffused until marriage and the loss of virginity4 ,the appearance of the menstrual discharge can be a profoundly frightening event for a girl unless she has been prepared to expect it4 ,often it marks the beginning of fears that carry over even into marriage4 ,take the case of ,alice1 a school superintendent's daughter1 who was reared in a stern atmosphere of morality4 ,when she asked where babies came from her mother first rebuked her and when she persisted in inquiring the mother said they were brought in the medical bags of physicians4 ,when she reached the age of menstruation1 for which her mother had not prepared her1 she thought a terrible calamity had befallen her4 ,she navely believed for several months that she was having a baby4 ,later the only information she ever acquired on sex was through bull sessions with other girls at college1 and there the information was misleading4 ,she was fearful of sex and when1 during her freshman year1 a boy tried to kiss her she reacted very strongly4 ,she felt that she must not be a nice girl or a boy would not think of trying to kiss her4 ,her mother had told her that nice girls did not kiss boys4 ,today ,alice is twenty-nine and still not married4 ,furthermore she seems like a very poor prospect4 ,she has reacted frigidly to all overtures of grown men to kiss her even though she feels she should marry4 ,to her 8sex0 is animal passion and its only rightful function is reproduction4 ,she has so many repressions about sex that she cannot act normally in the presence of someone of the opposite sex4 ,here is how the repressions operate with ,alice4 ,she does her best not to think about sex4 ,she avoids situations or circumstances that would involve sex by staying away from people of the opposite sex1 by not going to dances and by refraining from doing things that would in any way bring sex to mind4 ,her life is a desperate hide-and-seek with sex4 ,furthermore her repression is so effective that she won't even admit that a sexual problem exists for her4 ,sometimes direct fear conditioning may occur4 ,in one girl who was referred to the ,penn ,state clinic there was an intense fear of being with well-educated people4 ,when all the facts were learned1 it was discovered that in her early teens the girl had been detected masturbating by her mother4 ,to frighten her out of the habit the mother told her that such a practice would change her facial appearance so much that any educated person looking at her would know she was a masturbator4 ,the girl1 already ashamed of her habit1 felt so much guilt that she started avoiding anyone who had a college education because she believed such people could see her secret in her face4 ,it took many months of treatment to get her to the place where she could associate with college people with ease4 ,it is our opinion that much of the sexual maladjustment of the world is brought about by parents giving their children the impression that sex is shameful1 disgusting1 fearful or nasty4 ,one young man came into the psychological clinic complaining of severe indigestion1 heartburn and excruciating stomach pains4 ,when asked what he thought the trouble was he said it probably was caused by his habit of drinking a couple of beers three or four times a week4 ,he had made many efforts to stop drinking the beer1 but in vain4 ,the companionship of the other young men with whom he drank1 the feeling of tension reduction that he felt while drinking1 the partial release of some of his inhibitions under alcohol all prevented him from breaking the habit4 ,he had never been drunk yet he was sure that the half-dozen glasses of beer a week were causing his stomach trouble and would ultimately lead to ulcers or cancer4 ,in working with this young man it was found that he had begun masturbating in adolescence4 ,his father had discovered this and had severely denounced him for the practice4 ,the boy could not1 or did not1 give up masturbation and was in constant fear that he would go insane because his father told him that continued masturbation always led to insanity4 ,in reading an old-fashioned book on sex which his father gave him1 the boy ran across a statement to the effect that alcohol weakened the sex drive4 ,he was so anxious to reduce his own drive1 for fear of insanity1 that he began drinking beer habitually4 ,he was so sure the alcohol was reducing his sex drive that he stopped masturbating4 ,actually1 of course1 the sex drive was still present and his repression and anxiety were transferred from masturbating to beer drinking1 with the physical symptoms already described4 ,by helping the young man understand how he had become unfavorably conditioned to masturbation 7which1 while an inferior or substitute adjustment1 is a natural act7 he lost all of his stomach symptoms and gained a wholesome attitude about sex4 ,how can sexual inhibitions and repressions be 8unlearned80 ,the best thing to do of course is consult a good clinical psychologist or competent psychiatrist4 ,extensive psychotherapy may be needed4 ,but here are some things that an individual can do that may help3 --,develop a friendly confidential relationship with some other person who can be trusted and bit by bit unburden yourself of your fears1 anxieties1 problems and frustrations4 ,simply getting things out of one's system brings tension release4 ,not only that but as one talks about his problems and feelings toward them1 he begins to define the problem and see possibilities of attacking and solving the problem himself4 ,and the friend may have some helpful suggestions4 --,deliberately associate with people of the opposite sex as much as possible if repression is present4 ,gradually this will help reduce tensions as you become used to them and if the conditioning is favorable you may achieve wholesome and normal reactions to the opposite sex4 --,acquire adequate information about sexual behavior4 ,good books are available today in the field of sex 7note bibliography in the back of this book74 --,even bull sessions can be helpful though much of the information you will hear may be erroneous or inadequate4 ,the freedom of expression in the sessions and the opportunity to talk help one feel less repressed and more natural when sexual matters come up4 ,all young unmarried people should realize that the sexual emotion is just as much a hunger as a hunger for food and that in marriage their personality is enriched when the sexual hunger is satisfied4 ,while all this association with the opposite sex is going on1 the girl or young man is learning what kind of a mate he wants in marriage4 ,it is only through these experiences 7starting with puppy love7 that they begin to set standards and qualifications of the persons they would like to marry4 ,the typical boy or girl needs to date a good many persons before they know the kind they would like to have as a mate1 to decide upon the minimum standards they wish4 ,in going with one girl the boy learns to appreciate music and decides he wants a wife who can play the piano4 ,in going with another girl he finds he wants a girl who is brunette1 who is reasonably tall1 who is relatively slim4 ,in going with a third girl he discovers he wants a person who has as much education as he does and who is interested at least politely with mechanical things1 which happen to be his passion4 ,in going with still another girl he discovers that it is important to him for her to have control of her temper1 to be friendly to people1 to be gracious in manner1 to be kind and considerate4 ,and so it goes4 ,it is only through such experiences that a man gradually learns what he wants in a wife and what is important to him4 ,in contrast1 it is ignorance of what one wants that may prevent you from ever achieving a happy marriage4 ,not knowing what you want or need1 you may marry the first person with whom you become infatuated4 ,today there are nearly twenty-five thousand different occupations in the country4 ,more people are completing high school--and college--than ever before in history4 ,the radio and automobile have broadened man's horizon4 ,thus for the man today a selection of a wife from among a half-dozen girls whom he has known would be a hazardous selection4 ,as we have said before1 he would need to know at least twenty-five eligible single girls--and date at least a dozen of them--before he could be fairly sure of finding one that would meet his wants and needs4 ,chapter ,,vi ,sex ,adventuring ,in the course of looking over the field for mates a large part of our young people become involved in bodily petting and complete intimacy4 ,how widespread are such premarital sex relations8 ,all the factual studies would indicate that there has been a steady increase4 ,dr4 ,l4 ,m4 ,terman1 whose book ,psychological ,factors in ,marital ,happiness1 published in #aich1 reports a study he made of #gib couples1 concludes3 8,the trend toward premarital sex experience is proceeding with extraordinary rapidity40 ,of older couples who married around #aiaj1 he found fifty per cent of the men and eighty-seven per cent of the women had been virgins at the time of marriage4 ,in contrast1 of those who married about ten years ago only fourteen per cent of the men and thirty-two per cent of the women were virgins at marriage4 ,dr4 ,terman predicted3 8,if the drop should continue at the average rate shown 444 virginity at marriage will be close to the vanishing point0 for males marrying after #aiee and for girls marrying after #aifj4 ,it's a rare high school nowadays that doesn't have an occasional pregnant girl1 unmarried1 in its midst4 ,in one city more than two hundred such pregnancies occurred last year4 ,most of the sexual experiences today--especially for girls--are with people they eventually marry4 ,but even in this respect the trend indicates that more and more young people are having intercourse with persons they do not marry than has ever been true before in our history4 ,the trend is more pronounced for men than it is for girls4 ,this can be understood in view of the fact that it is the woman who gets pregnant1 and not the man4 ,of couples marrying today1 a relatively high percentage have complete physical intimacy before the wedding night4 ,the rate seems to be higher among the lower economic classes than in the higher levels4 ,this does not mean the morals of the upper classes are higher but probably is due to the fact that girls in the upper group--who have lived at women's or other colleges--have more inhibitions4 ,after marriage they often have greater trouble having climactic sexual experience than girls who only went to high school1 because of these inhibitions4 ,probably less than one-third of such wives regularly experience orgasm4 ,why has premarital intimacy become more widespread in recent years8 ,there appear to be several major explanations3 --,the tensions of two wars and a major depression which led to postponement of marriage but not necessarily to postponement of gratification4 ,also during the war many girls threw their ideals to the wind in an attempt to find or give happiness on a friend's last furlough4 --,religion is not as much concerned with sexual taboos today as it was a generation ago4 --,we have removed chaperonage and parents generally are more tolerant of their children's behavior and build in them fewer repressions than in past years4 --,the widespread dissemination of birth-control information and the improved techniques in preventing venereal disease have reduced the penalties of indulgence4 --,our people are more mobile today so that it is possible for a young couple to experiment sexually with less likelihood that their parents will find out about them4 ,boys have access to automobiles in which they can take girls to secluded spots4 ,hotels have relaxed their restrictions about verifying the 8,mr4 and ,mrs40 of couples who register4 ,tourist camps rarely had any restrictions to start with4 ,finally the war took millions of our young people away from their home communities4 ,in short1 the old controls of society have relaxed or are in the process of breaking down4 ,the same is true in ,great ,britain where studies during the war indicated that one out of every three births was conceived prior to marriage4 ,while young men engage in intimacies because of the hormones pulsing through their bodies and because it makes them feel more 8grown up10 girls engage for somewhat different reasons1 though thrill is a factor4 ,girls in their teens do not have nearly as high a sex drive as boys of the same age4 ,whereas a man reaches the height of his sexual vigor at around eighteen1 a girl does not reach hers until around twenty-eight4 ,this is largely because of the different conditioning boys and girls get4 ,girls lead more sheltered1 guarded lives and thus develop many more repressions and inhibitions about sex than men4 ,most girls who start to pet in their teens do so because they are afraid they won't be asked for dates if they don't pet4 ,they give kisses as rewards to the boy for taking them to the dance4 ,it is believed that at least one-half of female sex delinquents get little or no pleasure from the sex activity4 ,they indulge primarily to get something else they want3 the prestige and pleasure of having dates4 ,this behavior puts sex on a very low plane4 ,the prostitute herself is rarely motivated by excessive sex feeling4 ,rather she does it to obtain certain other things she considers important1 such as spending money1 gowns1 cosmetics1 etc4 ,some girls think that because of the surplus of women over men they must be aggressive if they are to get dates1 and consider bold petting one of the most effective techniques of aggression4 ,actually aggression of any kind usually has an adverse effect on a man1 and the emotions generated in the girl by petting may lead to a sense of insecurity and a feeling of frustration4 ,it would be pointless to advise that young people should never neck or pet1 because the facts show that the vast majority of young people engage in necking and petting to some extent4 ,but what can be said for and against unmarried couples practicing complete physical intimacy before marriage8 ,what arguments have been advanced in favor of it8 ,first we have heard it said that premarital sexual relations assist in the wise choice of a mate4 ,you know what you are getting4 ,you will know better whether you and the mate would be compatible sexually4 ,one religious sect in this country takes a unique view on premarital experience4 ,couples do not marry until a child is conceived4 ,in this way the groom-to-be can rest assured his bride-to-be can bear him children4 ,the trouble here is that many premarital sex experiences of the modern couple are engaged in under circumstances that are hardly favorable to the flowering of sexual desires and their satisfaction4 ,when intimacy is accompanied by feelings of fear or guilt or shame--as is frequently the case in premarital affairs--permanent scars are left on the participants4 ,usually a person can get just as accurate a clue of what married love would be with a specific individual by petting and conversation rather than by complete intimacy with its usual aftermath of shame and guilt4 ,another argument often mentioned in favor of premarital sex relations is that it is dangerous to one's health to wait4 ,this argument is based on the well-known fact that most young people are mature enough physically to marry several years before economic factors make marriage advisable4 ,so why wither away while waiting8 ,they point to the spinsters who shrivel up for lack of love4 ,this is only a half truth because1 as you will see later in this chapter1 there are other outlets for sexual feeling available in addition to coitus4 ,these may not be as pleasurable but they are virtually as effective4 ,the withered spinsters are that way because they employ no outlets whatsoever4 ,on the other side--the reasons why complete intimacy is ill-advised before marriage--we have first of all the fact that society frowns on such intimacy4 ,even though the practice is widespread it is still illicit love1 with all the psychological problems it involves4 ,the idea that the bride and groom be virgins at the start of their marriage is the product of the experience of most civilized peoples4 ,that in itself should mean something4 ,undisciplined sexual expression has always been found to be destructive to the social group that permits it to take place4 ,next1 while it can be seriously debated whether complete intimacy hurts or helps an engaged couple planning early marriage1 there is no question how it affects persons indulging on a casual basis4 ,we have authoritative information on this point4 ,in one carefully conducted research1 the records of twenty-five girls were picked at random--girls who1 according to their test scorings1 were unconventional and generally unstable emotionally4 ,these girls were carefully interviewed4 ,of the twenty-five1 twenty-one admitted to the counselors that they had been intimate with one or more men during the preceding two years6 ,that is persuasive proof that promiscuous persons are usually also unstable emotionally4 ,and being unstable emotionally they are very poor prospects for marriage4 ,finally here are some specific dangers that every person considering complete intimacy before marriage should be aware of3 --,possible pregnancy1 and a forced and hasty marriage4 --,if the child is aborted the possibility of permanent sterility or other injury must not be forgotten4 --,the probability that the illicit relationship may become known to members of your social group1 if not to your parents4 --,probability that even though temporary relief from sexual tension is achieved you may suffer from feelings of shame1 guilt1 or remorse4 --,possibility that your future spouse may discover that you have had sexual relations with another person4 ,it may prey on his or her mind despite the fact that he goes through with the marriage4 --,the possibility that the intimacy is practiced under conditions so nerve-racking and undesirable that they cheapen the meaning of the act4 --,the risk of venereal disease4 --,the possibility--if you are a girl--that the relationship is exploitive4 ,perhaps the man is seeking his own satisfaction with little regard for the girl or her feelings4 ,after those warnings regarding complete intimacy are given we would like to make it clear that premarital kissing and petting do have a legitimate function4 ,recently a nurse trainee came to the ,penn ,state clinic2 she was overwrought4 ,she said her current boy friend had laid his hand across her breast4 ,had she been prudish in becoming upset8 ,she was assured that she hadn't been4 ,but she was urged not to let the incident drive her to aloofness4 ,frigidness can wreck one's chances for a happy marriage just as surely as promiscuity4 ,it is entirely natural for a mutually attracted young couple to desire to caress each other4 ,it is one of nature's techniques for encouraging mating4 ,without it we would have fewer marriages--and children4 ,it is harmful only when the attachment between the two people is completely sexual and they rush into an early marriage1 or into intercourse without marriage4 ,take for example ,dorothy and ,bob1 who wanted some last-minute advice before marrying4 ,obviously they were crazy about each other4 ,to them a kiss or embrace was a way to convey their adoration4 ,everything pointed to their being truly in love and the tests showed them to be well-matched4 ,to deny them such expression of affection when together would not only frustrate their love but might even impair their adjustment in marriage4 ,their kind of innocent petting however should not be confused with the 8exploitive0 kind practiced by a student we'll call ,hale4 ,he said quite casually that he 8loves 'em and leaves 'em40 ,investigation showed that was precisely what he did4 ,and while he was apparently not as irresistible as he implied1 he did find some girls to join him in his sex adventuring4 ,some navely fell for his line4 ,others joined in quite frankly for the thrill involved in exploring each other4 ,both ,hale and two of the promiscuous girls involved showed in their tests strong traces of emotional instability which would make them poor marriage prospects4 ,before a girl becomes involved in any petting she should make sure in her own mind that it is not the 8exploitive0 kind4 ,caressing or petting becomes definitely dangerous when physical contact and stimulation become ends in themselves4 ,in the case of an engaged couple in love the intimacy is not just an end in itself but an expression of affection4 ,the important thing is that sexual feeling should develop and grow out of the friendship and courtship of two people1 it should not be the initial basis for it4 ,there is likely to be exploitation involved if a couple feel impelled to engage in petting during the first few dates4 ,petting is progressive and can carry a couple much further than they intend to go4 ,that is the big danger4 ,ideally a couple should marry when their friendship and courtship have developed in them such strong sexual feelings toward each other that there is a physical and psychological need for satisfaction4 ,this is why society is more tolerant of petting after a couple become engaged4 ,it is nature's preparation for marriage4 ,the trouble of course is in the serious lag involved between the time a couple may be ripe physically for marriage and the time they are prepared vocationally and emotionally to marry4 ,we still have our child brides in backwoods areas but most modern ,americans do not consider it feasible to marry until they are well in their twenties4 ,and in our civilization that is proper4 ,but it does impose serious temptations on the people who have to wait4 ,from the time they pass out of adolescence young people--especially men--need outlets for the sexual tensions building up within them4 ,there seems little doubt to us that refraining from any sort of sexual expression does impair one's psychological balance and mental health4 ,personality can be damaged and physical health may be damaged4 ,but if we rule out climactic sexual relations with another person what alternatives are left8 ,there are three major forms this can take4 --,climaxes in the dream world4 ,this is most common with men and produces their nocturnal emissions4 --,substitution4 ,this usually means masturbation4 ,many people think that masturbation is a sin1 that it will produce insanity1 that it leads to skin blemishes or pimples1 that it is something disgusting or filthy1 that it stunts your growth4 ,all the evidence indicates that none of these is true4 ,a noted psychiatrist1 ,o4 ,spurgeon ,english1 recently said3 8,most all psychiatrists1 psychologists1 and educators today regard masturbation as a normal phenomenon 444 indulged in to some degree by all human beings during the course of their development40 ,as we see it1 masturbation is a relatively harmless method of reducing tension providing feelings of guilt and shame are not connected with it and providing of course that it is not done excessively4 --,sublimation4 ,you 8sublimate0 a sexual hunger1 or handle it on a 8high0 socially approved plane by such things as dancing and associating a great deal with persons of the other sex4 ,a young person is greatly helped in this if he is permitted to date at an early age 7fifteen is not too young7 and encouraged to bring his date to his home4 ,sublimation cannot reduce sexual hunger but it helps to take your mind off it4 ,if there is no outlet for these feelings through normal and natural associations with the opposite sex and if parental instruction on sex has been inadequate1 really abnormal sex behavior may result4 ,the most common form of maldevelopment probably is homosexuality4 ,it was once believed that homosexuals were 8born that way40 ,but now it is known that the great majority of them1 male and female1 are normal in a bodily sense4 ,their abnormal behavior is clearly the result of unfortunate conditioning4 ,perhaps a boy was pampered too much as a child and has had little chance to mingle with the other sex1 and then is rebuffed when he attempts to make dates because he seems namby-pamby or effeminate4 ,while being forced away from associating with girls the hormones are being poured into his blood stream4 ,the boy becomes tense without realizing why and without any outlet to reduce the tension4 ,bit by bit he may turn to persons of his own sex for sexual satisfaction1 first perhaps through mutual masturbation and finally through homosexuality4 ,it is known that there is much more homosexuality in girls' or boys' schools than there is at co-educational institutions4 ,one study showed that one-third of married women have had at some time in their unmarried days intense emotional relations with other women1 even though some did not recognize the behavior as sexual in character4 ,there is every reason to believe that more women engage in homosexual behavior than is true of men4 ,this is understandable in view of the fact that expressions of affection between women are much more acceptable than is true of expressions of affection between men4 ,nobody thinks anything of two women greeting each other with a kiss1 walking hand in hand or with arms clasped about each other4 ,men would be looked upon suspiciously if they engaged in any such behavior4 ,still other abnormal outlets sexual feeling will take if it is not provided with normal or acceptable forms of expression are3 --,voyeurism1 or 8,peeping ,tom0 behavior1 brought about by curiosity about sexual behavior of other individuals because the person is repressed and lacks sexual information himself4 --,fetishism1 which produces an unnatural sex attachment to objects rather than persons4 ,the objects may be shoes1 hair curls1 wearing apparel4 ,the possession and fondling of such articles create arousal and satisfaction of sex feelings4 --,pedophilia1 or unnatural attachment for children1 perhaps because it offers them a 8safe0 way to inspect and caress human anatomy4 --,sadism and masochism4 ,the first feeling comes from inflicting pain on another1 the second from having pain inflicted on one's self4 ,this involves the sensual feeling of pleasure-after-pain which we have already mentioned4 ,but to get back to the problem of finding socially approved outlets for sexual feeling before marriage4 ,we would advise couples rigorously to refrain from direct sexual stimulation and other below-the-shoulder petting until marriage is fairly imminent if they hope to abstain from intercourse before marriage4 ,the excitation of such petting is apt to swirl a couple into complete intimacy despite their best intentions not to go that far4 ,we would not undertake to advise young people how far they should go in their petting1 but feel that every young person--as a part of his or her personal philosophy of life--should decide just what his limits should be4 ,when the limit is set here are some hints on how to make it stick4 --,reserve even your good-night kisses for people you are genuinely fond of4 ,a girl should not cheapen them by letting a casual date lead her to the davenport to collect a reward for taking her out4 ,and don't fall into the error of thinking that free-and-easy petting will increase your popularity4 ,it won't except with people who would make unstable mates anyway4 --,limit carefully the time you are alone with a person of the other sex under romantic conditions4 ,it is almost a 8rule of love0 that the longer a couple are alone with nothing much to do1 the greater the likelihood they will pet4 ,several college girls tell us they never agree finally to a date until they are sure there will be something definite to do--go to the movies1 dance or play gin rummy4 ,if parents or school authorities set a time limit for you to be home they are really doing you a favor4 --,learn to sense when either is becoming physically aroused and stop4 ,again college girls tell us that when they recognize the danger signals they suggest to the man that they dance1 go for a soda or take a walk4 --,learn that alcoholic beverages may relax your inhibitions to the point where you will go much further than you intended4 ,that is why some people wisely refrain from drinking or limit themselves severely while on a date4 ,,are ,,you ,,warm ,,or ,,cool ,,by ,,nature8 ,some people respond to their mates with a greater intensity of emotion than do others4 ,this test should reveal your own responsiveness4 #a4 ,were you reared in an affectionate family8 ,yes ,no #b4 ,do you become excited at a close football or baseball match8 ,yes ,no #c4 ,are you strongly moved by sentimental music or a romantic movie8 ,yes ,no #d4 ,when friends are away a week do you feel their absence a great deal8 ,yes ,no #e4 ,do you have a wide circle of acquaintances and friends8 ,yes ,no #f4 ,does it help you to take your troubles to friends8 ,and do you want them to bring their troubles to you8 ,yes ,no #g4 ,are you fond of children8 ,yes ,no #h4 ,do you compliment others frequently--and sincerely8 ,yes ,no #i4 ,does it distress you to see someone in pain8 ,yes ,no #aj4 ,do you feel you are actively affectionate with the person of the opposite sex that you like best8 ,yes ,no #aa4 ,do you fed you are free from repressions8 ,yes ,no #ab4 ,when your feelings are hurt do you get over the hurt quickly8 ,yes ,no #ac4 ,do you participate in two or three social organizations8 ,yes ,no #ad4 ,do you find it easy to mix with casual acquaintances8 ,yes ,no #ae4 ,in associating with people of the opposite sex are you open and natural rather than stand-offish8 ,yes ,no #af4 ,do you consider yourself well-adjusted sexually8 ,yes ,no #ag4 ,do you like to look after a sick person8 ,yes ,no #ah4 ,were your own parents affectionate8 ,yes ,no ,if you answered yes to fifteen or more of these you are a warm1 ardent person and should be able to work out a satisfying sexual adjustment in marriage4 ,if you answered yes to nine or less you appear to be reserved and cool by nature4 ,your best chance in marriage will be with a person of similar disposition4 ,chapter ,,vii ,do ,you ,frighten ,possible ,mates ,away8 ,getting along with the other sex is one of the most important skills you will ever learn--if you do learn it4 ,if you fail to achieve a good adjustment it will show up in other aspects of your life4 ,failure to get along with others is undoubtedly one of the biggest reasons why people fail at their jobs4 ,far more people are dropped from their positions or are passed over in awarding promotions because of personality inadequacies than are dropped because of technical incompetence4 ,the person who can't get along well on a job is usually not a good risk in marriage4 ,and the person who cannot get along with acquaintances is usually not a good risk for a job or for marriage4 ,likewise1 when you find a happily married person you will also usually find a person who is happy in his work and in his social contacts4 ,and whether or not you get along with people--particularly of the other sex--depends primarily upon the sort of training you had in childhood4 ,professor ,terman found that happily married people were people whose own parents had been happily married 444 were people who had a great deal of love and affection for their parents 444 were people who had been punished only mildly and infrequently by their parents and had been disciplined firmly but not harshly4 ,it is not impossible to replace bad traits with good but it will become increasingly difficult with each passing year4 ,how do you impress people of the other sex8 ,did you ever stop to ask yourself that8 ,to find the answer you will have to adopt the attitude ,socrates is alleged to have recommended3 8,know thyself40 ,have you ever stopped to make an inventory of your assets and liabilities8 ,perhaps you have traits which you have lived with so long that you aren't aware of them1 but which greatly annoy people you want to know better4 ,or perhaps the traits are not downright offensive but weaken your appeal4 ,the test in this chapter1 8,do ,you ,have a ,negative or ,positive ,personality80 may help you in making an inventory4 ,if you feel something is holding you back from popularity with the other sex try to get to the root of your trouble4 ,if people do not ask you out1 why don't they8 ,if some dislike or avoid you1 what is the explanation8 ,if some people seem merely to tolerate you1 what is the trouble8 ,if you feel you do not have as much influence in your group as you would like to1 what is undermining your influence8 ,below we are going to point out a dozen of the major trouble-making characteristics4 ,perhaps some of them may apply to you4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,do ,,you ,,feel ,,uncomfortable ,,in ,,the ,,presence ,,of ,,the ,,opposite ,,sex8 ,perhaps you are haunted by deep feelings of inferiority1 feelings which may come from your lack of association--compared to other persons your own age--with the opposite sex1 or perhaps you have been thrown into a more 8sophisticated0 group than you were accustomed to4 ,another possibility is that you lack the knowledge to intermingle suavely4 ,perhaps you still feel clumsy--and must watch your feet--while dancing4 ,perhaps you dread the ceremony of introducing people because you are vague on the etiquette involved4 ,perhaps you are not sure you are dressed appropriately for the occasion4 ,perhaps you don't know when to use the right fork or spoon4 ,perhaps you are not quite sure how to act in saying good night to a date1 or how to thank a hostess for a delightful evening4 ,the answer to this type of problem is simple4 ,if you feel ill at ease because you feel you are a poor dancer1 then learn to be a better dancer4 ,take lessons1 or simply practice on your own living-room floor4 ,if it is etiquette that bothers you read any of a dozen books on the subject1 and watch carefully how others around you behave4 ,one more thing--if you are haunted by feelings of inferiority1 learn to do some one thing superlatively well1 even if it is only table tennis or gin rummy4 ,this will bring you recognition from the group and ease your feelings of self-consciousness4 ,general ,eisenhower has said that self-confidence is the greatest asset one can have in the world4 ,john ,powers1 originator of the famed ,powers ,model ,agency1 tells his new models that the biggest thing they have to learn is self-assurance1 and he quotes to them ,general ,eisenhower's remark4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,are ,,you ,,aloof8 ,many young people1 after they have been bruised a couple of times in their early contacts with the opposite sex1 wrap their ego up in a protective shell so that no one can hurt them again4 ,other people1 particularly girls1 want to be dated so badly and feel so anxious about not being dated more that they 8freeze0 when anyone approaches them for a date4 ,they are anxious not to appear over-anxious1 and again aloofness results4 ,finally1 girls who teach often frighten men away through their aloofness4 ,the teacher often carries into her dating1 unconsciously1 the reserve she develops in the classroom for disciplinary reasons4 ,whatever the source of the aloofness1 the attitude is interpreted by the opposite sex as coldness and indifference4 ,possible dates are frightened away because you appear unapproachable and perhaps a bit haughty4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,do ,,you ,,have ,a 8,,low ,,boiling ,,point0 ,,emotionally8 ,some of us have built up emotional habits that prevent us from getting along with persons of the opposite sex4 ,we habitually lose our tempers1 act rudely1 show our anxieties1 or go to pieces4 ,they lead inevitably to quarrels with our boy friends or girl friends4 ,if you are easily upset by frustrations or anger you find yourself involved in temper outbursts and profanity1 both of which are highly repelling to anyone in the opposite sex interested in you4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,do ,,you ,,daydream ,,frequently8 ,the daydreaming itself does not annoy others1 but daydreaming holds you back from appearing at your best4 ,daydreaming is usually simply the imaginary representation of satisfactions you do not achieve in real life4 ,when you let your daydreams become a substitute for real achievement1 your personality is definitely slipping and the outcome may be dangerous4 ,if you must daydream1 make it planful4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,do ,,you ,,often ,,complain ,,about ,,your ,,health8 ,it is bad enough for your marriage prospects to appear unhealthy4 ,it is even worse if you complain of your aches and pains4 ,you not only bring the other person's attention even more on your short-comings1 but reveal yourself to be something of a hypochondriac1 who is defined in ,webster's dictionary as a person suffering from 8a mental disorder characterized by morbid anxiety as to the patient's health44440 99 99 99 99 99 ,,do ,,you ,,blame ,,your ,,troubles ,,and ,,mistakes ,,on ,,others8 ,this is one of the most vicious mental habits one can get into4 ,psychologists call it the habit of 8projection40 ,you project your failures upon somebody else4 ,the boy says he is not able to get along with girls because his father will not let him have the car4 ,the girl blames her failure to have dates upon her mother for not giving her the right kind of clothes4 ,such a habit is much more serious than first appears4 ,in the first place1 one's listeners are not fooled by such projections1 and in the second place the individual who gets into such a habit fails to profit by his mistakes4 ,thus he loses opportunity for making improvement4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,are ,,you ,,intolerant ,,of ,,people ,,who ,,are ,,not ,,like ,,you8 ,broadmindedness or tolerance is a trait we must have if people are to like us4 ,to be broadminded or tolerant1 you usually need to be both intelligent and well informed4 ,intolerance and bigotry are either based on ignorance of other people or on a mind that knows the facts but is all twisted up4 ,one should not confuse broadmindedness with low standards and ideals4 ,a broadminded person may be tolerant of an individual whose own standards are low even though the broadminded person tries to live by practical1 realistic and decent standards4 ,you can be an unchanging believer in a particular religion or be an invariable follower of one political party1 but at least you should keep from ramming your personal views down the throats of others4 ,when you voice intolerances you usually antagonize acquaintances who are startled by your narrow views4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,are ,,you ,,argumentative8 ,many persons1 because of their biases or prejudices or emotional tension1 constantly want to argue4 ,they hope by arguing to convince others of the correctness of their own views4 ,the louder they shout the more persuasive their argument--so they think4 ,actually1 arguing rarely ever convinces anyone4 ,and the one sure result is that it will create hard feelings1 if engaged in vehemently4 ,as long as a discussion can remain good humored and considerate1 with nobody raising his voice or becoming agitated1 worth-while ideas may be exchanged4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,do ,,you ,,bore ,,people ,,by ,,your ,,talking8 ,do you chatter inanely or do you annoy people by constantly talking 8shop80 ,one can talk about one's job without talking 8shop40 ,the important difference is that he talks about those aspects of his occupation that will interest an outsider with normal curiosity4 ,and he talks about his job only if the listener shows by smiling or nodding his head that the subject intrigues him4 ,being able to talk is not nearly so important as being able to talk in a congenial way4 ,the congenial person sees that conversations cover only topics that are mutually interesting1 and he avoids talking too much4 ,further1 he is sensitive enough to catch the mood of the other person and is flexible enough to join in that mood4 ,finally1 the congenial talker is sensitive enough to lead the conversation away from subjects that will only bring conflict4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,are ,,you ,,self-,,centered8 ,perhaps you were 8spoiled0 as a child or are so richly endowed with physical charm or with talent you feel yourself to be the center of the universe4 ,for example1 the girl may have temper tantrums in public1 she may humiliate her escort by biting sarcasm or devastating scorn4 ,often her escort simply serves as a foil for her 8brilliance0 or good looks4 ,she frightens her man away because he sees himself going through life as a planet in her orbit4 ,such a girl is not seeking a husband as such2 what she wants is a background for her own personality4 ,after being hurt by her a few times a man runs away and seeks a girl who will pour balm on his injured ego4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,are ,,you ,,aggressive8 ,a man may offend decent girls by being aggressively 8on the make40 ,a girl may be aggressive by being a 8gold-digger10 and scare men away by being both expensive and inconsiderate4 ,or she may be aggressive simply in the sense that she is worried about the shortage of males and sets out grimly to get a man before it is too late4 ,in match-making1 man is jealously proud of his role of pursuer and does not want his traditional role usurped by the skirted sex4 ,thus most men resent overt signs of aggression by a girl4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,are ,,you ,,repelling ,,physically8 ,most girls like to have a man who is taller than they are4 ,feelings of prestige are involved4 ,poor health1 extreme tallness or shortness1 extreme obesity or thinness1 very dark or very light complexion1 poor motor cordination1 seriously impaired vision1 impaired hearing1 unbecoming teeth1 body odor1 a general appearance of being weak and easily tired detract greatly from one's personality4 ,other things that detract are bizarre features such as tattoos1 the appearance of being under-sexed4 ,in general a person should never be more than twenty per cent over or under the weight for his height4 ,in these days of modern medical science1 plastic surgery1 orthodentistry1 dermatology1 etc41 a girl or man can get rid of most irregular features4 ,and those that can't be removed can be overshadowed4 ,the physical paralysis of the late ,president ,roosevelt did not influence people negatively because of the great personal charm of the man4 ,the impairment of hearing of ,thomas ,edison did not diminish the respect and liking that people had for his genius4 ,odor is tremendously important in the impressions that one makes on others4 ,it is believed that one of the reasons men like women and women like men is that their respective odors are agreeable to each other4 ,halitosis1 perspiration odors1 clothing odors resulting from wearing clothing in places of work where the air is redolent with manufacturing processes1 may ruin your chances for marrying the one you want4 ,almost any girl or man who is in good health1 who is willing to take care of his teeth1 who avoids wearing clothing saturated with occupational odors and who is careful to avoid perspiration smells can be wholesome and fragrant4 ,perfume should be used to enhance the true natural body odor of the individual and not to mask unpleasant ones4 ,actually1 physical appearances rarely need hurt seriously a person's chances of marriage providing they retain self-assurance4 ,the trouble is that a person with a prominent nose or big feet is so concerned about the specific defects that he convinces himself he presents an ugly appearance4 ,he develops feelings of inferiority1 and that is where the real trouble begins4 ,the person who holds his head up1 who can look you straight in the eye1 whose face is animated when he talks1 is better looking and better liked than the individual who does not do these things4 ,the restful physical position1 the alert face and animated expression convey to others the feeling that you are poised4 ,poise and self-confidence make up a large part of 8good looks40 ,assuming that after reading this chapter you have concluded you have some bad habits that are hurting your chances of getting a desirable mate1 how can the habit be broken8 ,it is not easy4 ,there are two major thoughts to keep in mind in trying to break a habit4 ,first1 once you decide to break the habit1 you must not let any exception occur4 ,the reforming drunkard who has trouble walking past bars knows that just one nip will set off a chain of violations4 ,the longer he can keep from drinking the weaker the urge to drink becomes and soon he can pass bars without any trouble at all1 and in fact with scorn4 ,the second idea in breaking a habit is to substitute something in the habit's place4 ,a person wants to stop eating sweets4 ,several years ago one of the cigarette manufacturers sold millions of cigarettes by proposing that a person with a sweet-tooth should reach for a cigarette instead of a sweet4 ,this was the principle of substitution4 ,a substitute for a boy who bites his fingernails may be something like this4 ,he can reason3 8,i have a desire to bite my nails but ,i have a bigger desire not to bite my nails4 ,while it is difficult not to bite my nails it is much more important that my nails look acceptable if ,i am to get dates4 ,i would rather have dates than bite my fingernails40 ,such a bigger goal may help you break any habit that offends people you want to impress4 ,girls probably are more concerned about the impression they create than men4 ,here is some advice to women that one investigator1 a man1 offered after making a study of the habits of women3 --,don't wear styles that men consider queer4 --,don't neglect the romantic illusion4 ,men are disillusioned by such things as hair curlers1 awkward positions and postures1 unattractive sounds in the throat1 making up in public4 --,don't fail to answer a man1 and promptly1 when he addresses you2 he may feel slighted by inattention4 --,don't nag a man4 ,men flee to office1 club1 other women--anywhere but where the nagger is4 --,don't tell off-color stories or use coarse language4 ,most men resent them in women4 --,don't show jealousy4 ,all men abhor a jealous woman4 --,don't compare your male companion unfavorably with another man4 --,don't giggle1 shriek or otherwise be loud to attract his attention4 ,,do ,,you ,,have ,a ,,negative ,,or ,,positive ,,personality8 ,subtract five points for each of the repelling traits you possess4 7,be honest47 ,and add five points for each of the appealing traits you can honestly claim as a consistent part of your personality4 ,,repelling ,,traits ,,appealing ,,traits #a4 ,jealous ,broadminded #b4 ,irritable ,loyal to friends #c4 ,unbecoming teeth ,truthful #d4 ,unpleasant body odor ,tolerant #e4 ,intolerant ,considerate #f4 ,uncomfortable in groups ,affectionate #g4 ,full of anxieties ,optimistic #h4 ,hot-tempered ,good humored #i4 ,inclined to daydream ,tactful #aj4 ,rude ,generous #aa4 ,blame others for mishaps ,enthusiastic #ab4 8,go to pieces0 when upset ,ability to accept criticism #ac4 ,bite your nails ,admit mistakes #ad4 ,loud in talking ,don't make excuses #ae4 ,profane habitually ,dress appropriately #af4 ,laugh at mistakes of others ,possess good health #ag4 ,flaunt your knowledge ,friendly #ah4 ,talk about your bad health ,modulated voice #ai4 ,argumentative ,reasonable #bj4 ,brusque ,congenial conversationalist #ba4 ,aggressive ,neat #bb4 ,uncoperative ,clean #bc4 ,lack confidence in self ,correct use of ,english #bd4 ,domineering ,good posture and carriage #be4 ,selfish ,high ideals #bf4 ,crude ,consistently dependable #bg4 ,egocentric 7conceited7 ,naturalness #bh4 ,gossipy ,frankness #bi4 ,unpredictable ,attractive teeth #cj4 ,envious of others ,unselfish ,if you ended up with a negative score you can feel fairly sure that you are being handicapped in your association with the other sex by an unattractive personality4 ,in fact if you checked more than eight of the repelling characteristics 7regardless of the number of appealing traits you checked7 you have grounds for concern about the impression you create4 ,however1 if you checked five or less of the repelling traits and ended with a total positive score of more than one hundred you apparently have an unusually appealing personality4 ,chapter ,,viii ,attracting the ,one ,you ,want ,will ,you marry the one person you have met whom you would like most to marry1 will you have to be content with a second choice1 or will you have no choice at all8 ,the answer will depend on how appealing a person you are4 ,and frequently that appeal can be enhanced by knowledge of techniques for winning the romantic interest of persons of the other sex4 ,the person who wants to win a mate must put three thoughts in the prospective mate's head4 ,you must make that person feel the need of a mate 444 that you are the person who can best fit that need 444 and that the time is ripe for marriage4 ,first1 let's consider some of the things a girl can do to get a man thinking along those lines3 --,she should talk about the man's basic needs in a subtle1 impersonal way by discussing such things as good food1 comfortable furniture1 fireplaces1 a place where one can bring friends4 ,she gets his ideas on the style of home he likes1 and gets his ideas about children4 ,she does all this in a friendly1 optimistic way and avoids discussing some of the disadvantages that marriage often entails4 ,veterans are particularly responsive to such an approach because their shifting1 destructive life as fighting men has filled them with a profound desire to settle down to a comfortable1 creative life4 --,she appeals to the man's yearning for mastery 7which every man has7 by giving him the opportunity to do most of the talking4 ,she follows his words with genuine interest and tries to fall in with whatever mood he is in4 ,and she enthusiastically accepts his ideas about places to go on dates and things to do4 ,definitely1 she minimizes any mistakes that he may make1 blames him for nothing and keeps her complaints to herself1 or lets them come out only as friendly1 constructive suggestions4 --,she makes herself physically appealing4 --,she does not discuss any poor physical health she may have1 nor does she discuss any bad breaks or her possible knack for always getting into trouble4 --,she lets him get the impression that other men are interested in her1 but makes it plain that they do not interest her nearly as much as this particular man4 --,she does not run down other girls4 --,she makes it clear that she is sure he must be popular1 and very successful in his work4 --,she talks casually about her married friends and gets across the idea that they are terribly glad they married4 --,she strives to make every occasion with this man an enjoyable one4 --,finally she is not afraid to let him know that she likes him and that his feelings toward her matter a great deal4 ,in short1 the girl constantly sets up conditioning situations which make the man feel good inside for having been with her4 ,soon he'll start thinking that it would be nice to have that good feeling inside for the rest of his life4 ,that is the mood in which proposals germinate4 ,what are some of the things a man can do to get a girl in a receptive mood for a proposal8 ,here are a few3 --,if he is a shrewd1 practical psychologist he can detect the chief source of her feelings of inferiority4 ,most girls feel inferior about something1 usually something about their appearance since that looms so important to them4 ,perhaps they are acutely conscious of big hands or thick ankles or mouse-colored hair4 ,in such cases the man should reserve his most enthusiastic compliments for those sites of anxiety4 ,he does not need to mention them specifically1 but he should word the compliments in such a way that those features are obviously included in his admiration4 ,the girl will be so grateful that she will want to be with the man as much as she can just to hear him say such nice things4 --,the man should be 8romantic0 if it kills him4 ,he should remember that women inherently are much more sentimental than men4 ,if it weren't for feminine sentiment there never would have been a ,valentine's ,day4 ,the actual sex urge is not as strong in girls as it is in men1 so they are much more interested in the forms of courting than in sex expression itself4 ,they want to be told again and again that you adore them4 --,the man1 if he is adept1 can play effectively on the girl's feeling of insecurity4 ,security is the most important thing in the world to women4 ,though girls can make their own living nowadays1 most of them still feel their greatest chance for real security lies in marriage4 ,how can the man play on these feelings of insecurity8--by talking to the girl in detail about her job1 about her aspirations1 her plans for the future4 ,he can accomplish the same result by the reverse technique of talking casually and impersonally about all the things that stand for security in a woman's mind4 ,he can analyze house plans in a magazine with her2 he can talk about his own future at his job and the prospects that some day he will have a job commanding respect and a substantial income4 --,the man should be self-assured with the girl and just a bit masterful4 ,despite all the feminine emancipation of the past few decades1 women admire he-men and sometimes yearn to be swooped up1 whisked away and relieved of all their problems4 --,he should be considerate and gentle with the girl and be careful that he observes all the amenities of politeness4 ,women are more impressed by etiquette than men4 --,he should be careful not to reveal any anxieties he has about his job or his future generally4 --,he should let the idea seep out that he is now in a marriageable state of mind and that other girls seem interested in him4 ,girls have a more fiercely competitive spirit in their mate-seeking than men4 ,for people who are still a little baffled about the whole business of courtship1 we can pass on a tried and true formula for winning a mate4 ,we have seen it work wonders in scores of cases4 ,the amusing thing is that it was not designed for snaring mates but for snaring customers for ,american products such as refrigerators4 ,it is sometimes called the ,,aida advertising formula1 named from the first letters of the formula's four key words--,attention1 ,interest1 ,desire1 and ,action4 ,to get a person to buy a refrigerator you must first attract his attention1 then generate an interest1 instill a desire to own the refrigerator1 and then give him the final prod that will impel him to go in and lay down his hard-earned money for the machine4 ,when applied to your situation1 it involves these four stages in winning a mate3 ,first1 the prospective mate's attention must be directed toward you4 ,upon noticing you1 he must see something that will arouse his interest4 ,then he must be stimulated to have a desire to know you better4 ,when desire is aroused sufficiently1 action 7agreement to marry7 results4 ,there are1 of course1 many approaches to attracting a person's attention4 ,a man has more liberties here in making himself seen than a girl but let's consider some of the socially-approved approaches a girl can make4 ,she can arrange for relatives1 friends and social and business acquaintances to introduce men to her4 ,in this her role can appear passive4 ,or she can use the be-where-men-are approach by attending parties1 meetings and community affairs which by their very nature bring her into contact with men4 ,after winning the person's attention--whether you are a man or a girl--the best way to arouse his or her interest is through conversation--and not just any conversation4 ,here out of the whole universe is one person before you4 ,what kind of person is he or she8 ,what are his or her interests8 ,unharness your curiosity and ask friendly1 tactful questions4 ,and you should make it clear that you regard the person's answers as worth-while4 ,emphasize the you with such questions as 8,what do you think about 4440 or 8,your idea is the most sensible ,i've heard yet40 ,whether you are male or female1 learn to be a good listener1 or rather a good interrogator4 ,lead the person into topics he or she seems to relish discussing1 and if you see frowns or looks of discomfort change the subject4 ,jim may be very much interested in photography4 ,he will like you if you ask him questions about his photography1 whether he develops his own pictures1 the kind of camera he has1 the unusual pictures he has taken4 ,however1 you must use insight4 ,nana may be an expert stenographer but may not be very proud of her vocation and so would be more appreciative of questions about her taste in clothes1 about the different places she has lived1 the books she has enjoyed reading1 the movie stars she likes1 the places she has visited4 ,if you are a congenial conversationalist you have undoubtedly gone a long ways toward arousing the interest of this person whose attention you have4 ,now if you are still interested1 begin asking more personal questions about the person's background4 ,perhaps this does not come until after several dates4 ,the aim is to arouse in this person a desire to know you still better4 ,tell him the things you admire in the opposite sex4 ,intimate that you are sure he must be very popular4 ,by attributing such a personality to him1 you create in him a desire to know you better6 ,once this desire is firmly created1 a courtship has begun that may very well lead to the altar4 ,what traits do people especially look for in mates8 ,one study of college women and college men found these traits to be mentioned most often3 ,,girls ,,want ,,in ,,men ,,men ,,want ,,in ,,girls ,congeniality ,intelligence ,intelligence ,beauty of form and figure ,companionship ,congenial companionship 8,handsome0 form and features ,neatness ,wit ,appealing dress ,good nature ,good sportsmanship ,neatness ,modesty ,sincerity ,good morals ,dependability ,sincerity ,good sportsmanship ,wit ,sex appeal ,sense of humor ,flexibility ,sex appeal ,good morals ,honesty ,honesty ,truthfulness ,good manners ,friendliness ,at ,penn ,state students were asked for the qualities they were looking for in their future mate and a quite different list resulted4 ,they wanted their mate to have3 ,honesty ,good health ,affection ,love for children ,cleanliness ,same religion ,sense of humor ,neatness 8,good background0 ,have character ,still another survey shows that if mature men are asked what kind of woman they want for a wife1 the majority will state that they want a girl who is dark1 reasonably slender1 intelligent1 with a reasonably good figure1 and is average to tall in height1 and is affectionate in disposition4 ,the emphasis here is on physical appearance4 ,however1 only #aj per cent of the men insist that the girl must be 8pretty40 ,only about fifteen per cent insist that their wife be a blonde1 despite the glamorizing of the blonde1 and thirty-three per cent of the men say that they do not want blondes under any circumstances4 ,even the plump girl has a chance4 ,about seventeen per cent of the men want a wife who is plump to solid4 8,looks0 certainly are a factor in one's attractiveness to the opposite sex1 particularly with girls4 ,but actually almost any girl can appear attractive to men if she has only one or two really attractive features1 providing she is intelligent enough to capitalize on them4 ,she may be flat-chested or knock-kneed but the men scarcely notice that because she designs herself so that her bad features are not seen4 ,the eye is directed to the good features1 whether they be lustrous hair or luminous eyes4 ,some of the most famous stars in ,hollywood are either knock-kneed1 thick-ankled or big-footed4 ,the only really ugly girls in this world are the freaks1 the crude girls1 the girls who appear sexless1 and the girls who look unhealthy4 8,good looking0 girls are the ones who make a good first impression1 and have such attractive personalities that the impression persists4 ,there you have an important distinction4 8,looks0 are important in attracting the possible mate's attention4 ,there is a psychological factor involved4 ,for reasons of prestige a man usually wants to prove to his friends that he has picked a 8looker0 when he shows off his new girlfriend4 ,but once the attention is secured1 looks for either a man or girl become decidedly secondary considerations4 ,from then on a person stands or falls on his personality4 ,a man can be an ,adonis or a girl can be symmetrically perfect4 ,yet they can bore you and you can't get them out of your sight fast enough4 ,what is the normal physical appearance of a man and woman8 ,one physician has found that the average woman has a height of about five feet four inches and weighs approximately #acb pounds4 ,for every inch of additional height she may add five pounds2 for every inch less of height she should subtract five4 ,the man1 on the other hand1 has an average height of about five feet seven inches1 or three inches higher than the girl4 ,he should weigh about #adb pounds4 ,for every inch of height more or less a man can add about eight pounds1 if he has his clothes on4 ,some women want their men to be 8tall1 dark and handsome0 but statistics would seem to indicate that only about one man in two hundred attains the height of six feet4 ,sometimes young people develop terrible inferiority complexes because of specific ugly features they have4 ,since a feeling of confidence and poise is so important in winning a mate it might be advisable for one with a bad nose1 for example1 to have a plastic surgery operation4 ,as everyone knows1 plastic surgery made tremendous strides in the recent war4 ,a good plastic surgeon will remake your nose for a price averaging about three hundred dollars4 ,the operation itself requires less than an hour1 and you may be out of circulation for only a couple of weeks4 ,such an operation leaves no scars because it is performed through the nostrils rather than from outside4 ,many other operations of this kind are possible3 operations that will eliminate scars1 that will improve a bad chin1 that will give the lips a configuration1 etc4 ,the operation may be worth while if it is the only way to remove a source of anxiety4 ,in these days of modern medical science1 plastic surgery1 orthodentistry1 dermatology1 etc4 almost any person can rid himself of really abnormal features4 ,and once you have achieved fairly harmonious features your personality is what counts4 ,it is significant that in defining a truly beautiful woman ,john ,powers1 the model agent1 listed these four things as being in the top ten ingredients of beauty3 ,a radiant personality ,integrity of character ,complete self-assurance ,intellectual curiosity ,one ,hollywood columnist wrote in his column the following two sentences that should cause anyone to think3 8,beauty is a drug on the market4 ,personality can command any price40 ,complete self-assurance 7tempered by modesty of course7 is undoubtedly the most helpful characteristic anyone can have in competing for mates4 ,the person who has an inferiority complex may have developed it because of physical features which prey on his mind1 or because of some inadequate behavior in the past4 ,he may have made poor grades in school or not have been able to earn a letter in athletics4 ,there are many ways to acquire self-confidence4 ,here are some3 ,starting a savings account ,going to the 8right places0 ,participating in amateur shows ,dressing as well as you can ,owning a good collection of books or classical records ,joining a fraternity or fraternal organization ,taking part in church activities ,buying property or organizing a business ,becoming a ,scout ,leader ,but one of the best of all possible ways to rid yourself of an inferiority complex and to develop self-confidence is to become skillful in social activities that young people frequently enter into4 ,learn to be expert at tennis or golf or ,ping-pong or bridge or canoeing1 or swimming or bowling or skeet-shooting or gin rummy1 or saxophone playing1 or being an amateur magician4 ,nothing builds up confidence faster than to possess a secret skill that interests or amuses people of the opposite sex4 ,most important of all1 learn to be a skillful dancer4 ,if you can float about a dance floor it instills confidence in you1 and admiration in your dancing partner4 ,besides1 you will enjoy yourself more4 ,and a person who knows how to enjoy himself is attractive to other people4 ,chapter ,,ix ,is the ,one ,you ,want the ,one ,you ,need8 ,the average young person considering his or her prospects of marriage1 we find1 thinks only in terms of what he wants in a mate4 ,but actually anyone facing realistically the problem of selecting a mate should realize that three things1 not one1 ought to be considered3 #a4 ,what you want4 #b4 ,what you need4 #c4 ,what you can get4 ,perhaps the ideal in your mind of the mate you want is not only something you can't get but also something you have no need for4 ,what you want may be unattainable in the community in which you live4 ,for example1 if a girl would not marry a coal miner though she lived in a small coal-mining community1 she might either have to modify her standards1 move to a different community1 or become an old maid4 ,ordinarily you might think that the kind of mate you might want would be the kind you would need4 ,but it often happens that a person's desires are based on frivolous or impractical considerations2 or upon the desire merely to 8marry into money40 ,during the past several years1 students in ,penn ,state's psychology classes on preparation for marriage have been asked what amount of money they would consider an absolute minimum on which they would be willing to marry4 ,the girls consistently specified more than the men4 ,the average for the boys is #b1dej1 and for the girls #b1iej4 ,more than ten per cent of the girls have specified that they will not marry until their groom has an income of more than five thousand dollars4 ,obviously such girls are insisting on incomes which are more than they need and almost certainly more than they can get4 ,take the case of ,miriam1 who specified that her man must be earning at least four thousand dollars a year before she will consider marrying4 ,she set the figure that high because she says she knows nothing about cooking or managing a home so will have to hire someone else to do that4 ,this man she will be willing to marry must be of 8superior intelligence0 7even though her intelligence is barely average71 he must be six feet tall1 be dark and handsome1 be a good dancer2 he must have broad shoulders and a 8strong face40 ,he must be a good ,culbertson bridge player2 he must smoke a pipe2 he must come from a 8distinguished0 family and must be either a physician or lawyer4 ,finally1 she wrote1 he must be a man who will put her on an altar and worship her4 ,miriam has thought vaguely of children but thinks they should be put off for at least five years so that she may follow a dancing or theatrical career if something should develop4 ,it is conceivable1 of course1 that she can find such a man1 but considering her background and talents we doubt that she could interest him in marriage4 ,often what we want in a mate is based upon our wants at the moment rather than upon basic or long-range needs4 ,a couple in their early twenties may insist that each be a good dancer as one of the main qualifications for marriage4 ,they dance so much that dancing looms large in their life4 ,but ten years from now1 when they will probably dance only a few times a year1 it may be an unessential qualification while the ability to manage finances may add to the total family income and help weather a serious depression4 ,qualities that may make a boy or girl a wonderful date are not necessarily the qualities that will make a wonderful mate4 ,the two can be profoundly different4 ,a girl wants a date for a party or dance4 ,she wants a man who can dance1 who will be admired as 8good looking10 who will be a 8good mixer10 who may be a 8catch10 perhaps a football star or a radio actor4 ,while these may be qualities needed for a date or dance1 they probably will not be important qualities she will need in a mate for happiness in marriage4 ,don't confuse a 8good date0 with a 8good mate10 for what you want in a date may be far removed from what you need in marriage4 ,too many times people fall in love with glamorous traits in the other4 ,a girl 8falls in love0 with ,bill because she loves his flattery or his dancing or his car or his taste in clothes4 ,they cast such a halo effect that the girl gives little thought to the fact that ,bill is a chronic heavy drinker4 ,if she could see that his drinking will probably wreck any marriage he undertakes1 she could spare herself much heartache4 ,some people set their 8mate goals0 so high that they would rather remain unmarried than marry anyone below these standards4 ,years later they may be terribly disappointed and frustrated as a result4 ,in the summer marriage classes at ,penn ,state1 which are largely made up of unmarried school teachers1 many have confessed that they could have married when younger but somehow the man didn't seem quite good enough4 ,now1 too old to hope to marry1 most of them wish they had been more practical in their middle twenties and not have had to wait until the late thirties or futile forties to see their error4 ,we know of young men today who would seem to be excellent prospects for mates--and they actually favor the idea of marrying--but we would be willing to predict that they will be bachelors4 ,they are too fussy4 ,they find something in every girl they go with that does not conform to their idea of an ideal mate4 ,how do we come by our ideals for mates8 ,during adolescence and childhood both boys and girls form in their mind some kind of a 8dream hero or heroine10 a sort of 8phantom lover40 ,he or she is a composite of all the qualifications they want their future mate to have4 ,no such paragon ever exists in real life and the mental image does undergo some modifications as the individual grows older4 ,often this ideal has the qualities of some of the people we idolized in earlier years4 ,sometimes the qualities seem to be those of a favorite movie star1 or of a heroine of literature4 ,sometimes they are inspired by qualities of an admired parent or older brother or sister4 ,if you were brought up in a home by an adored and deeply-loved mother1 your 8phantasy ideal0 may have almost all the good qualities of your mother4 ,but if you were brought up in a home where you and your mother were in constant conflict1 then you may be interested in avoiding in a mate all the qualities you associate in your mind with your own mother4 ,people who cling to their phantasy ideal after they are grown up do so largely because they cannot distinguish between what they want and what they need4 ,they are convinced that their wants and needs are identical4 ,their families and friends may try to show them the difference but their immediate wants are all that they can see4 ,most of us who are married can look back and can see that the girl or man we yearned to marry at twenty would not be the kind of mate we need now4 ,we thank ,heaven that we did not marry that one4 ,then what are the things we need in a mate8 ,there are certain qualities that almost everyone would accept as desirable--qualities such as good health1 sense of humor1 fairness1 dependability1 unselfishness1 patience4 ,and there are some traits that are so fundamental that we will take them up in the next chapter under 8,crucial ,traits for a ,happy ,marriage40 ,however1 most all authorities are agreed that in considering possible mates you should in general seek someone who is roughly near your own age1 who has about the same education that you have1 who comes from approximately the same social-economic level that you do1 and who is of the same nationality1 race and religion4 ,intelligence is important only in a relative sense--relative1 that is1 to you4 ,feebleminded persons tend to marry feeble-minded persons4 ,while geniuses cannot always marry geniuses1 they do tend to marry highly intelligent people4 ,the average man marries a woman who is slightly less intelligent than he is4 ,that's why many brilliant women never marry4 ,they do not come in contact with sufficiently brilliant men1 or fail to disguise their brilliance in order to win a man of somewhat less intelligence4 ,college males tell us that they want a girl for a wife who is 8intelligent10 but makes them feel they are still more intelligent6 ,another thing we must concede3 some people have wants which are so intense that they become needs4 ,we have a letter from a veteran1 a young major4 ,the girl he has long considered proposing to has everything he wants except beauty4 ,he has gone with her for four years4 ,he is thirty-one1 she is twenty-seven4 ,she is sweet1 understanding1 affectionate1 is well educated and supporting herself4 ,she is a good cook and an excellent companion4 ,she is neat and clean and plain4 ,but she is not pretty4 ,he knows she loves him and he thinks he loves her but every time he thinks of proposing he is held back because she isn't attractive4 ,perhaps he should not marry this girl if her lack of beauty is going to gnaw at him the rest of his life4 ,one alternative--and we suggested it--was that he suggest to her somehow that she take a course with a 8charm school40 ,another thought we suggested was that most beauty comes from within and that ten years from now this girl would probably have a more appealing face than many of the so-called beauties of her own age today4 ,in considering what you need in a mate it might be helpful to consider what are the important things to your happiness in life4 ,a marriage will be good for you only if it helps you satisfy these basic needs4 ,these needs--after you have achieved subsistence through food1 shelter and clothing--are primarily psychological4 ,in considering whether any particular person would be a good mate for you1 ask yourself these seven questions1 based on the psychological needs you will want to satisfy3 99 99 99 99 99 ,,will ,,this ,,mate ,,bring ,,you ,,social ,,approval8 ,you will want a mate that other people will like1 that other people will admire and respect4 ,you thus need a mate who is adept at getting along with other people4 ,will your friends like him and will the mate's friends like you8 ,will your parents think approvingly of the marriage8 99 99 99 99 99 ,,can ,,this ,,mate ,,offer ,,you ,,security8 ,this desire for security is a very fundamental one1 especially with girls4 ,it is based upon the bodily need for food1 shelter and clothing but is much more complex4 ,will this mate be kind and considerate and give you a feeling of confidence and stability8 ,will this mate refrain from gambling1 drinking and other things that might imperil the security of your future home and children8 ,in short1 will this mate bring you a feeling that you have an anchor that will keep you steady8 99 99 99 99 99 ,,will ,,this ,,mate ,,help ,,you ,,get ,,ahead8 ,this involves the desire for mastery1 which is a universal human motive1 particularly with men4 ,it produces the urge to succeed1 to excel1 to overcome obstacles1 to keep on fighting1 to master situations4 ,it is this desire for mastery that makes a husband take a correspondence course which may lead to a job promotion4 ,the girl wants a mate who will be ambitious and the man needs a wife who will show initiative1 who will read books on how to prepare tasty dishes and how to rear children according to the best principles of child care1 and who will not become easily discouraged or frustrated4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,will ,,this ,,mate ,,embarrass ,,you ,,by ,,nonconformity8 ,the man wants a wife who will not act unbecomingly in public1 who knows how to say and do the right thing when other people are present1 who will conform to the customs that will cause the neighbors to think well of her4 ,the girl wants a man who is not discourteous or sloppy1 who will get to work at the time he is supposed to report1 who will not embarrass her in public by doing things that will make them criticized by others4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,will ,,this ,,mate ,,be ,,affectionate ,,with ,,you8 ,we all want to be appreciated1 to be approved by our own mate1 to be given spontaneous tokens of affection1 to be told that we are loved4 ,it is tied up with our desire for praise and recognition4 ,the man wants his wife to cherish him1 to build him up1 to show him in many little ways that she loves him1 that she is close to him1 and that she needs him4 ,and the wife1 perhaps to an even greater degree1 needs to feel she is important to her husband1 that he loves her and shows that love in many little ways4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,will ,,this ,,mate ,,satisfy ,,you ,,sexually8 ,there are many ways you can detect before marriage whether such satisfaction can be achieved with this particular mate4 ,beware a person who shows a neurotic tendency1 unconventional behavior1 a craving for excitement1 an urge to be constantly on the go4 ,beware of both the prudes and of persons who seem preoccupied with sex4 ,beware of indications of jealousy and possessiveness4 ,these symptoms suggest that this person may not be able to find sexual satisfaction in marriage nor bring it to you4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,finally1 ,,can ,,this ,,mate ,,talk ,,things ,,over ,,with ,,you8 ,this ability1 in our opinion1 is one of the biggest single values in marriage4 ,beware of suspiciousness1 of demands for explanation1 of resentment1 of continual criticism of others4 ,these things suggest you may be entangled with a nagger and a complainer who will constantly try to improve you stead of dealing with you as a partner4 ,you will find it difficult to talk to such a person1 to discuss your mutual problems4 ,being able to talk things over with another person without restraint--which psychologists call mutual psychotherapy--is probably one of the greatest things you can get out of marriage4 ,if a couple have confidence in each other1 can confide their hopes1 and their ambitions1 can encourage and stimulate each other when frustrated1 then such a couple can go far in satisfying the basic needs in their lives4 ,chapter ,x ,crucial ,traits for a ,happy ,marriage ,thus far we have talked about what young people think they want in their mates and about the basic needs1 which a good mate should fill4 ,but we still haven't discussed the big question4 ,what are the actual traits you should have and your mate should have if you are to achieve happiness in marriage8 ,what makes a marriage happy or unhappy8 ,a few years ago no reliable answer was available4 ,but within the past few years a great deal of illuminating data has been turned up by investigators as a result of an upsurge of scientific interest in marriage4 ,this interest was aroused by the frightening rise in marital bankruptcy as shown by the divorce trend4 ,what are the characteristics actually found in happily married mates and unhappily married mates8 ,terman delved into the lives of #gib married couples and came out with these conclusions about the qualities that usually go with both kinds of mates3 ,,happy ,,wives ,,unhappy ,,wives ,have kindly attitude toward ,often have feelings of others inferiority ,like to help underdogs ,tend to be defensive or ,tend to be conventional aggressive ,are coperative ,easily annoyed1 irritated ,strong urge to save money ,often join clubs only to get ,are optimistic about life an office or recognition ,do not take offense easily in them ,less interested in social activities ,extreme in their views such as dances ,more likely to be neurotic ,like to teach children ,lose tempers easily ,put less importance on clothes ,impressed by thrilling ,are systematic homemakers situations ,do less daydreaming ,seek spectacular activities ,want to be on the move ,show little interest in housework ,now how about the husbands8 ,here is what ,terman found about them3 ,,happy ,,husbands ,,unhappy ,,husbands ,have greater stability ,often have feelings of ,are coperative inferiority ,get along well with business ,compensate by browbeating wife associates and subordinates ,are somewhat extroverted ,dislike details ,are more conservative in attitudes ,more radical about sex ,willing to take initiative morality ,take responsibility easily ,inclined to be moody ,do not get rattled easily ,are more argumentative ,like recreations that take them away from home ,apt to be careless about money ,another approach ,terman made was to find out what husbands and wives complain about most in their mates4 ,he found that unhappily married couples were overflowing with complaints while happily married couples voiced few criticisms4 ,here are the complaints he heard most often3 ,,complaints ,,from ,,husbands ,,complaints ,,from ,,wives ,wife's feelings hurt too easily ,insufficient income from husband ,wife too critical ,in-laws ,trouble with in-laws ,impatience of husband ,wife nervous or emotional ,husband's poor management of ,income managed poorly income ,he has no 8freedom0 ,his tendency to be critical ,wife has poor taste in ,his preferences in amusements amusements ,his failure to talk things over ,wife is a nagger ,his failure to show affection ,when ,terman had accumulated all of his findings1 he devised a 8,prediction of ,marriage ,happiness ,scale0 by means of which an unmarried person could determine his own chances of finding happiness in marriage4 ,this has nothing to do with the other person involved but simply tests your own capability of becoming a good mate for someone4 ,he found what we have already indicated--that your background largely predetermines your ability to be a successful mate4 ,of the factors he found most significant in predicting happiness in marriage1 ten stand out as most essential to success4 #a4 ,are your parents happily married8 #b4 ,did you have a happy childhood8 #c4 ,were you free from conflict with your mother8 #d4 ,was your childhood discipline firm but not harsh8 #e4 ,did you have a strong attachment to your mother8 #f4 ,did you have a strong attachment to your father8 #g4 ,were you free from conflict with your father8 #h4 ,were your parents frank with you about sex8 #i4 ,were you punished infrequently and mildly8 #aj4 ,is your attitude toward sex free from disgust or aversion8 ,terman says that any person who has all ten in his favor is a considerably better than average marriage risk4 ,he gives emphasis to this by saying that any one of the ten factors seems to be more important to marriage happiness than does virginity of the individual at the time of marriage4 ,at ,penn ,state1 where the first all-college marriage counseling service in ,america was founded1 an adaptation of ,dr4 ,terman's prediction scale is used1 by special permission of ,dr4 ,terman1 along with the ,guilford-,martin ,personnel ,inventory ,i and other tests4 ,but the main device the ,penn ,state clinic uses in building an over-all 8index0 of a person's prospects for a happy marriage is the ,adams-,lepley ,personal ,audit1 which was a product of ,penn ,state's own investigations4 ,this ,audit not only discloses your potentialities for being a good mate1 and the potentialities of your possible mate1 but goes on to match your two profiles to see if you are compatible4 ,the happiest marriages1 the clinic has found1 are between persons who not only are good prospects for marriage individually but who have markedly similar personalities4 ,the clinic calls this compatibility4 ,it has found that opposites may attract each other but it is the likes who achieve the happiest marriages together4 ,in the process of perfecting this ,audit1 the clinic not only tested it on thousands of persons and couples but followed up hundreds of those couples who later married1 to find out how well the predictions bore up after the couple had been living with each other a year or so as man and wife4 7,they bore up very well indeed47 ,now the clinic believes it knows just what traits are crucial for men to possess and what ones are crucial for women4 7,they sometimes differ47 ,the ,audit measures you for nine separate and distinct traits of personality--sociability1 conformity1 tranquillity1 dependability1 stability1 idealism1 steadiness1 flexibility1 and seriousness4 ,a personality trait has two extremes1 just as height has the two extremes of tallness and shortness4 ,these are the opposite poles for the nine traits just listed3 ,reserved--,sociable ,bold--,fearful ,agreeable--,nonconforming ,broadminded--,idealistic ,tranquil--,irritable ,calm--,emotional ,dependable--,evasive ,rigid--,flexible ,thoughtful--,frivolous ,let's consider these nine traits1 and their significance when found in a mate4 7,you can also apply them to yourself47 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,i4 ,,is ,,he ,,reserved ,,or ,,sociable8 ,another way to put it is this3 8,is he introverted or extroverted80 ,the reserved person is usually quiet1 ambitious1 serious1 agreeable with intimates and confines his socializing to close friends4 ,sociable or extroverted people are extremely social and aggressive4 ,they are talkative and carefree and sometimes show little regard for other people's rights4 ,they are the 8glad-handers40 ,perhaps the man is a salesman1 or the girl is a sorority president4 ,the ,penn ,state investigators found1 surprisingly1 that the happily married men tended to be just a bit more impulsive1 to be more sociable1 to be more talkative and to have broader interests than did unhappily married men4 ,women on the other hand could tend to be either reserved or sociable and still be happy1 as long as they were not extreme introverts or extreme extroverts4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,,ii4 ,,is ,,he ,,an ,,agreeable ,,sort1 ,,or ,,is ,,he ,,an 8,,individualist08 ,the agreeable person tends to conform to the norms set by society4 ,he is usually poised1 coperative1 can concentrate easily and tends to wholesome recreations4 ,the individualist enjoys the idea of being 8different10 is apt to hurt people's feelings by his brusqueness and impatience with things that bore or irritate him4 ,in extreme cases he is bullheaded and argumentative4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,,iii4 ,,is ,,he ,,tranquil ,,or ,,irritable8 ,the tranquil person has an even disposition1 works methodically1 is patient1 gets along well with folks4 ,the irritable person tends to 8fly off the handle10 to be easily annoyed1 to find fault1 to be erratic and peevish4 ,for men tranquillity is a crucial trait1 the ,penn ,state investigators found4 ,the happily married man is less easily annoyed1 less irritable1 less peevish1 less critical than the unhappily married man4 ,to a girl this means she should be careful about marrying a man who is irritable4 ,while it is desirable for the girl to be even-tempered too1 this trait is not as important for a girl as for a man4 ,however1 it was found that when one of the two mates tends to be irritable and annoyed it is highly desirable for the other mate to be even-tempered4 ,when you get two irritable persons under the same roof the explosions soon force one to beat a retreat1 sometimes into divorce4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,,iv4 ,,is ,,he ,,frank ,,or ,,evasive8 ,this is probably the most crucial trait for marriage happiness that we know4 ,the dependable person is frank and truthful and conscientious4 ,he gets along harmoniously with others1 is willing to accept responsibility1 is stable and coperative4 ,the evasive person is unwilling to face reality or to accept responsibilities4 ,he 8passes the buck0 or projects the blame for things onto others4 ,he exaggerates and often lies4 ,he is easily depressed and lacks integrity4 ,persons who rate high in dependability consistently are the ones who are happiest in both marriage and their work4 ,this one trait is at least as crucial to happiness in marriage for a girl as is the entire complex of traits measured by ,terman's ,prediction ,scale4 ,while it is most crucial for girls in marriage1 it is also crucial for men4 ,for a girl it is unquestionably the most crucial trait we know4 ,this means that in considering any possible mate you should be particularly careful to notice whether he or she is dependable or not dependable4 ,does he keep appointments1 tell the truth and work conscientiously8 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,v4 ,,is ,,he ,,bold ,,or ,,fearful8 ,the 8bold0 person is confident to the point of cocksureness4 ,he is willing to carry out responsibilities1 usually is carefree1 stable1 self-sufficient1 and a bit dominant4 ,the unstable1 or fearful1 person is shy and changeable4 ,he may seem withdrawn and rarely evinces qualities of leadership4 ,this trait is crucial for women and fairly important for men4 ,a woman1 to have a happy marriage1 needs to show strong indications of stability1 because in running her household alone she must be self-assured and independent in emergencies when outside help isn't available4 ,a man should beware a woman who is exceedingly nervous or fearful1 jittery or afraid4 ,for the man it is important that he be fairly stable1 but without being reckless4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,,vi4 ,,is ,,he ,,broadminded ,,or ,,idealistic8 ,the broadminded person is tolerant1 flexible1 practical1 realistic4 ,his temperament tends to be pleasant and smooth4 ,the idealistic person shows strong attitudes4 ,prejudice1 often disguised as 8high0 standards1 may be present4 ,inferiority and peevishness are often found here4 ,stop and think4 ,the girl you want to marry is the one you hope will be the mother of your children4 ,you want her to instill reasonably high standards and ideals in the children4 ,you want her to be conventional and not do things that will bring criticism4 ,the happiest marriages are those in which the wife has high standards and ideals but not ones that are so stiff and unyielding that she can never see any justification for a slip-up now and then4 ,unhappy marriages are those where the wives have standards that are very low and who behave in unconventional or questionable ways4 ,our society encourages higher standards and ideals for women than it does for men4 ,the man can be tolerant and easygoing but should have standards sufficiently high so that he considers it important to be faithful to his wife1 and does not waste his money in drink or gambling4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,,vii4 ,,is ,,he ,,calm ,,or ,,emotional8 ,calm persons have 8normal0 ways of thinking4 ,their feelings are not intense4 ,persons whose work requires objectivity and courage--such as surgeons and military leaders--score high at this level4 ,emotional people1 in contrast1 usually think in unorthodox ways4 ,they are usually sensitive4 ,their feelings are volatile and deep-seated4 ,interests in writing1 drama1 arts1 literature are often found here4 ,individualistic1 creative work is preferred1 and the person may appear temperamental or eccentric to others4 ,repression and sexual conflicts are common4 ,since the emotional person is intense and usually not too well adjusted1 marriage may not prove too satisfactory4 ,the trait of coolness or steadiness is much more crucial for men than for women4 ,the happiest married men seem to be those who are steady and free of excess emotion4 ,this enables them to be objective in their work4 ,a girl should be wary of selecting a mate who is very emotional1 who is too much interested in sex or who works in the movies or other work where there is a great deal of glamour and excitement4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,,viii4 ,,is ,,he ,,rigid ,,or ,,flexible8 ,this is more important in men than in women1 and the man's age determines whether he should score high in rigidity or in flexibility4 ,if the man is under twenty-five it is well for the couple's future happiness if he scores quite high in flexibility because marriage requires a great deal of adjusting and a certain amount of trying out new jobs is healthy for a young man4 ,however1 flexibility in a man past thirty should make a girl seriously question the advisability of marriage to him because he is apt to be permanently a 8will-o'-the-wisp02 his characteristics are pretty well set4 ,a man in his thirties who changes jobs frequently1 who is not 8settled10 is not a good matrimonial bet4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,,ix4 ,,is ,,he ,,thoughtful ,,or ,,frivolous8 ,beware of the girl who is frivolous4 ,she will be shallow and discontented2 she will have many unsettled problems2 she will be worrying about her past as well as her future2 she will have trouble making up her mind and will seem to be at loose ends4 ,she may nag and complain4 ,for women1 thoughtfulness ranks second only to dependability in importance to marriage happiness4 ,there you have the nine traits4 ,as you have probably noticed1 it is much more crucial for women to have the right personality traits than for men4 ,this is due largely to the fact that marriage looms much larger in a woman's life than it does in a man's4 ,a wife has to do the larger part of the 8adjusting0 to marriage4 ,she usually has to give up her name1 her job1 her residence1 and many of her friends4 ,the man can go on pretty much the same as he did before marriage4 ,the wife must spend the greatest part of her day being a wife 7homemaker7 whereas the man serves actively in the role of husband only a few hours a day4 ,in summing up1 what advice would we give the young man in order that he can select a mate who will be happy in marriage and contribute to his happiness in marriage8 ,ideally1 he might well look for a girl3 ,who is frank and dependable1 ,whose family background has been such that she was reared in a happy home1 ,who is thoughtful and not beset by conflicts revolving around her adjustments to the opposite sex1 ,who is stable and self-sufficient and free from neuroticism1 ,who is objective and free from excessive sensitiveness1 ,who is friendly1 kindly and considerate1 ,who is coperative in her relations with others1 ,who is flexible and adaptable1 ,who is steady and free from emotional behavior1 ,who is tranquil and not easily irritated1 ,who has average to high standards and ideals1 ,who can be influenced by people who have sound ideas1 ,who is somewhat extroverted and carefree4 ,all of these traits of course are not vital but it is advisable that she fit into the general pattern outlined above4 ,next1 what should a girl look for in a young man8 ,ideally1 he should be a man3 ,who is tranquil and not easily irritated1 ,who is dependable and frank1 ,who is objective and has feelings that are not easily hurt1 ,who gets along easily with others1 ,who is coperative in group projects and likes to help people1 ,who is cool and free from emotionality1 ,who is concerned about what other people think of him1 ,who was reared in a happy home1 ,who is free of cares and has broad interests1 ,who is fairly well contented with his lot in life1 ,who can be influenced by others when their reasoning is sound4 ,the big question is how you can know if you and any prospective mate have qualities that make you good marriage risks4 ,you will find in the next chapter ten tests that should provide the answer4 ,they will record your rating on the nine traits we have just discussed1 plus a rating on your family background4 ,chapter ,,xi ,test ,your ,mate and ,yourself ,now you are going to take ten tests that will record how well qualified you are to marry4 ,your over-all score will indicate your chances of achieving a happy marriage1 with whomever you may marry4 ,these tests can be taken by either men or girls4 ,and we suggest that after you take the tests you have your favorite date take them too4 ,then in the next chapter you can see how well you are matched4 ,in addition to scoring your desirability as a mate1 the tests will help unveil for you your own personality4 ,they will present you as you appear to other people4 ,be honest with yourself4 ,there are no catch questions4 ,if you wish you can get a piece of paper to write your answers on4 ,if you do this you will not mark up the book1 nobody will know how you answered1 and any other person taking the tests will not be influenced by your answers4 ,don't look up the correct answers until you have finished all the tests4 ,after you have completed all ten tests you can then see how they should be scored4 ,some of these traits are more important to marriage happiness than others1 and some are more important for one sex than the other4 ,be sure not to talk over any of the questions with anyone until after you have taken all the tests4 ,now go ahead1 and work rapidly4 ,,trait ,i 7,sociability7 ,indicate the degree of your liking for each of the following activities by drawing a circle around ,m if you would like it a great deal1 around ,s if you would have some liking for it1 around ,l if you would have a little liking for it1 around ,n if you would have practically no liking for it4 #a4 ,introducing strangers at a party4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #b4 ,entertaining a group of friends4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #c4 ,raising money for a charity4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #d4 ,taking part in some athletic contest4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #e4 ,going on a picnic4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #f4 ,playing games like golf1 tennis1 croquet1 or darts4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #g4 ,reading the sporting section of the newspaper4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #h4 ,playing games like bridge1 pinochle or ,monopoly4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #i4 ,keeping a pet1 such as a cat or dog4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #aj4 ,attending a masquerade party4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #aa4 ,performing on the radio4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ab4 ,being a delegate to a convention4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ac4 ,making long-distance telephone calls to friends4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ad4 ,preparing for an examination by studying with classmates4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ae4 ,helping a stranded motorist change a tire4 ,m ,s ,l ,n ,,trait ,,ii 7,conformity7 ,fifteen experts1 each of whom had won success in a different field1 were asked to give an opinion of the statements below4 ,at least eight or more of the experts marked each statement below as true4 ,read each statement1 and if you agree with the experts that the statement is true1 draw a circle around ,a4 ,if you agree but only with reservations1 draw a circle around ,r4 ,if you disagree with the experts1 draw a circle around ,d4 #a4 ,shows with scantily dressed performers should not be permitted4 ,a ,r ,d #b4 ,no cultured person would ever use profanity4 ,a ,r ,d #c4 ,the right to vote should be given to persons of #ah years of age4 ,a ,r ,d #d4 ,no person except a law officer should be permitted to own a pistol4 ,a ,r ,d #e4 ,no acceptable excuse can ever be made for suicide4 ,a ,r ,d #f4 ,children owe their parents more than their parents owe them4 ,a ,r ,d #g4 ,few people would be better off dead than alive4 ,a ,r ,d #h4 ,rich people are no happier than poor people4 ,a ,r ,d #i4 ,natural resources should belong to individuals rather than to the government4 ,a ,r ,d #aj4 ,parents can decently support and educate two children in a city of #ejjj1 with a total income of less than #bjj per month4 ,a ,r ,d #aa4 ,parents should be permitted to punish or whip their children4 ,a ,r ,d #ab4 ,stealing cannot be excused on any grounds4 ,a ,r ,d #ac4 ,anything injurious to the human body1 such as tobacco1 should be outlawed4 ,a ,r ,d #ad4 ,highly intelligent people are just as happy as average people4 ,a ,r ,d #ae4 ,the average person needs more mathematics than the eighth grade provides4 ,a ,r ,d ,,trait ,,iii 7,tranquillity7 ,below is a list of the common annoyances which affect most people to some extent4 ,indicate your degree of annoyance for each of them by drawing a circle around ,m if it annoys you much1 around ,s if it annoys you some1 around ,l if it annoys you a little1 and around ,n if it never annoys you4 #a4 ,to have stop light turn red as you drive up to it4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #b4 ,to drop an article when you have your arms full4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #c4 ,to have to stand up in a streetcar or bus4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #d4 ,to have to talk when you don't feel like it4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #e4 ,to be interrupted when reading a very interesting story4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #f4 ,to have a casual visitor outstay his welcome4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #g4 ,to be detained when you are in a hurry4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #h4 ,to listen to radio when static is bad4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #i4 ,to have someone break an engagement at the last minute4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #aj4 ,to be interrupted when you are talking4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #aa4 ,to have someone read over your shoulder4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ab4 ,to miss a streetcar or bus4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ac4 ,to have movie film break at an exciting point4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ad4 ,to burn your mouth or tongue with hot food or beverage4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ae4 ,to be accidentally locked out of your car or home4 ,m ,s ,l ,n ,,trait ,,iv 7,dependability7 ,of the statements below1 draw a circle around ,t for the ones you believe to be usually true2 draw a circle around ,d for the ones whose truth you doubt2 and draw a circle around ,f for the ones usually false4 #a4 ,prohibition encouraged many people to drink who had never drunk before4 ,t ,d ,f #b4 ,an unpopular person could often become popular by lowering his standards of conduct4 ,t ,d ,f #c4 ,people who date a great deal before marriage often make poor marriage mates4 ,t ,d ,f #d4 ,students who are always taking the lead in class discussions are usually trying to get attention4 ,t ,d ,f #e4 ,policemen 8bawl out0 people largely to satisfy their own sense of importance4 ,t ,d ,f #f4 ,people of high ideals usually have fewer friends than individuals whose ideals are not of the highest4 ,t ,d ,f #g4 ,a person is often a failure because of very high ethics4 ,t ,d ,f #h4 ,the very pretty girl with little ability often is more successful than the plain girl who has real ability4 ,t ,d ,f #i4 ,what you know is not so important to success as whom you know4 ,t ,d ,f #aj4 ,getting the breaks is more important to success than being well qualified4 ,t ,d ,f #aa4 ,few employees would loaf on the job if they were paid sufficient wages4 ,t ,d ,f #ab4 ,man is powerless in the hands of fate4 ,t ,d ,f #ac4 ,people often try to impress others by saying that they are very fond of 8highbrow0 music and books4 ,t ,d ,f #ad4 ,the law is harder on the poor man than on the rich man4 ,t ,d ,f #ae4 ,the good 8bluffer0 succeeds nearly as well as the person who can deliver the goods4 ,t ,d ,f ,,trait ,v 7,stability7 ,below is a list of the common fears that most people experience to some extent4 ,indicate your degree of fear for each of these things by drawing a circle around ,m if you would usually have considerable fear1 around ,s if you would usually have some fear1 around ,l if you would have a little fear1 and around ,n if you would usually feel no fear4 #a4 ,being buried alive4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #b4 ,being bitten by a snake while walking alone in the woods4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #c4 ,being drowned at sea or while swimming4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #d4 ,friends losing confidence in you because of untrue rumors4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #e4 ,walking past graveyards alone late at night4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #f4 ,having friends learn about your worst faults4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #g4 ,touching mice1 rats1 worms1 or lizards4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #h4 ,losing your wife or sweetheart to somebody else4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #i4 ,getting too deeply in debt or having financial misfortune4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #aj4 ,looking down from the edge of a precipice4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #aa4 ,being punished in the next world4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ab4 ,elevator falling while descending from the top of a skyscraper4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ac4 ,losing your mind or becoming insane4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ad4 ,losing your eyesight4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ae4 ,listening to radio horror story late at night while alone4 ,m ,s ,l ,n ,,trait ,,vi 7,standards and ,ideals7 ,indicate the degree of your dislike for each of the following activities or things by drawing a circle around ,m if you would dislike it a great deal1 around ,s if you would dislike it some1 around ,l if you would have a little dislike for it1 and around ,n if you would have no dislike for it4 #a4 ,a person who brags about his achievements4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #b4 ,individuals who always put the blame on somebody else4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #c4 ,storekeepers who never make mistakes except in their favor4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #d4 ,extreme pessimists or people who always expect the worst4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #e4 ,a girl who is a gold-digger4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #f4 ,the person who 8forgets0 to pay his share of the check4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #g4 ,people who are never on time for appointments4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #h4 ,people who have little control over their tempers4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #i4 ,the girl who uses excessive make-up4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #aj4 ,people who cheat on examinations4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #aa4 ,individuals who are careless and indifferent about dress4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ab4 ,radicals or reactionaries who impose their views upon you4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ac4 ,individuals who are always bored and never have a good time4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ad4 ,a person who gambles for money4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ae4 ,listening to scandalous gossip4 ,m ,s ,l ,n ,,trait ,,vii 7,steadiness7 ,each word in capitals is followed by four words4 ,draw a circle around the word that seems to you to go most naturally with the word in capitals4 ,mark only one word in each line4 ------- ,for example3 ,,travel boat ship train car ------- ,here car has been encircled4 ,there are no right or wrong answers4 ,work rapidly4 #a4 ,,past yesterday forget sorrow hidden #b4 ,,sleep rest dream need together #c4 ,,immoral vulgar person vile criminal #d4 ,,dream vision night trance romance #e4 ,,love adore esteem worship yearn #f4 ,,baby home future unwanted cost #g4 ,,lonely solitary friendless miserable forsaken #h4 ,,debt obligation weight necessary nightmare #i4 ,,sweetheart love engaged wistful lost #aj4 ,,money currency pay lack urgent #aa4 ,,enemy foe hated dangerous destroyed #ab4 ,,filthy dirty disgusting mind body #ac4 ,,parent home love depend strict #ad4 ,,sin wrong vice guilt black #ae4 ,,revolting distasteful repulsive loathsome degrading ,,trait ,,viii 7,flexibility7 ,below is a list of activities or things4 ,if you feel about the same way toward them now that you did three or four years ago1 draw a circle around ,s4 ,if you have partly changed your feelings toward them1 draw a circle around ,p4 ,if your feeling now is considerably different from your feeling three or four years ago1 draw a circle around ,d4 #a4 ,pacifism4 ,s ,p ,d #b4 ,labor unions4 ,s ,p ,d #c4 ,less governmental supervision of business4 ,s ,p ,d #d4 ,old-age pensions4 ,s ,p ,d #e4 ,sit-down strikes4 ,s ,p ,d #f4 ,socialization of medicine4 ,s ,p ,d #g4 ,emphasis that colleges place upon activities4 ,s ,p ,d #h4 ,the ,soviet ,union4 ,s ,p ,d #i4 ,distribution of wealth4 ,s ,p ,d #aj4 ,capital punishment4 ,s ,p ,d #aa4 ,sterilization of the feeble-minded4 ,s ,p ,d #ab4 8,work-or-starve0 relief legislation4 ,s ,p ,d #ac4 ,need for polls like the ,gallup or ,fortune polls of public opinion4 ,s ,p ,d #ad4 ,basing taxation on the ability to pay4 ,s ,p ,d #ae4 ,preferences for styles of homes4 ,s ,p ,d ,,trait ,,ix 7,seriousness7 ,below is a list of topics which people consider to some extent at one time or another4 ,will you indicate the degree of thinking you have given each of them during the past year by drawing a circle around ,m if you have done much thinking2 around ,s if you have done some thinking2 around ,l if you have done a little thinking2 and around ,n if you have done no thinking4 #a4 ,responsibilities that parents and children should share4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #b4 ,proper training of children4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #c4 ,immoral influences of movies on children4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #d4 ,smoking of cigarettes by girls and women4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #e4 ,importance of regular saving of part of income4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #f4 ,use of the atomic bomb in warfare4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #g4 ,regular attendance of religious services4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #h4 ,the way or place to spend your vacation4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #i4 ,stricter censorship of books and magazines4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #aj4 ,learning to dance1 ski1 skate1 etc4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #aa4 ,punctuality on a job or regular class attendance4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ab4 ,getting better grades at school or working for a promotion4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ac4 ,the cost of living4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ad4 ,life after death4 ,m ,s ,l ,n #ae4 ,automobile accidents caused by reckless driving4 ,m ,s ,l ,n ,,trait ,x 7,family ,background7 ,be absolutely truthful in taking this test2 try to be objective and honest with yourself4 ,answer ,yes or ,no if possible2 if you can't decide ,yes or ,no1 then circle the question mark4 #a4 ,were your own parents quite happily married8 ,,yes 8 ,,no #b4 ,did you have a happy childhood8 ,,yes 8 ,,no #c4 ,did you have a great deal of love and affection for your mother8 ,,yes 8 ,,no #d4 ,did you have a great deal of love and affection for your father8 ,,yes 8 ,,no #e4 ,did you get along well with your mother without any serious conflict8 ,,yes 8 ,,no #f4 ,did you get along well with your father without any serious conflict8 ,,yes 8 ,,no #g4 ,was your home discipline firm but not harsh8 ,,yes 8 ,,no #h4 ,was the punishment that you received both mild and infrequent8 ,,yes 8 ,,no #i4 ,is your present attitude toward sex free from disgust or aversion8 ,,yes 8 ,,no #aj4 ,was at least one of your parents easy to talk to1 and frank1 about matters of sex8 ,,yes 8 ,,no #aa4 ,were you reared in either the country1 a small town1 or the suburbs of a city8 ,,yes 8 ,,no #ab4 ,do you go to church three or four times 7or more7 every month8 ,,yes 8 ,,no #ac4 ,are you regularly employed8 ,,yes 8 ,,no #ad4 ,do you have many friends of your own sex8 ,,yes 8 ,,no #ae4 ,do you belong to three or more social organizations8 ,,yes 8 ,,no ,directions for ,scoring ,your ,tests ,do not read these scoring directions until after you have taken the tests4 ,when you have marked the tests according to the directions1 then you are ready to score them4 ,because all the tests are not scored in the same way1 be sure you score them very carefully4 ,after having done so1 then turn to the further directions1 some of which apply to a man1 some of which apply to a girl4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,test ,,for ,,trait ,i4 ,for each item that you have marked ,m1 give yourself three points2 for each one that you marked ,s1 give yourself two points2 for each item that you marked ,l1 give yourself one point4 ,items marked ,n are counted zero4 ,then add these numbers up for your total score on ,trait ,i4 ,for example1 if you marked four of the fifteen items ,m1 that would give you twelve points2 let us say you also marked five items ,s1 that would be five times two points1 or ten more points2 if you marked three items ,l1 that would be another three points4 ,that would leave three items that you marked ,n for which you get no credit4 ,your total score on ,trait ,i would then be #ab #aj #c #be points4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,test ,,for ,,trait ,,ii4 ,for each ,a you marked1 you get two points and for each ,r you get one point4 ,items that you answered ,d are counted zero4 ,add these up for your total score4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,test ,,on ,,trait ,,iii4 ,the scoring is reversed on this test from that used for ,trait ,i4 ,on ,trait ,,iii1 ,m is scored zero1 each ,s gets credit of one point1 each ,l gets credit of two points1 and each ,n gets credit of three points4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,test ,,on ,,trait ,,iv4 ,you marked the items on this test either1 ,t1 ,d1 or ,f4 ,those you marked ,t are scored zero4 ,for each ,d answer you get one point1 and for each ,f answer you get two points4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,test ,,on ,,trait ,v4 ,each marked ,m gets zero credit1 each ,s gets one point1 each ,l gets two points1 and each ,n gets three points4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,test ,,on ,,trait ,,vi4 ,each ,m gets three points1 each ,s gets two points1 each ,l gets one point1 and ,n receives no credit4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,test ,,on ,,trait ,,vii4 ,this is the test in which four words come after each word in capitals4 ,the first of the four words gets three points if circled1 the second gets two points1 the third word gets one point1 and the last word receives no credit4 ,take the word ,,past4 ,if you marked it yesterday1 or the word in the first column1 you get three points2 if forget is circled instead you would get two points4 ,if you marked it hidden1 you get no credit for that word4 ,add all your points for your total score4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,test ,,on ,,trait ,,viii4 ,the items in this test were marked ,s1 ,p1 or ,d4 ,items marked ,s get no credit4 ,for each item marked ,p1 give yourself one point credit2 for each item marked ,d1 give yourself two points credit4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,test ,,on ,,trait ,,ix4 ,each ,m gets three points2 each ,s1 two points2 each ,l1 one point1 each ,n gets no credit4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,test ,,on ,,trait ,x4 ,in this test you were asked to mark your answers either ,yes1 81 or ,no4 ,for each ,yes1 give yourself ten points2 for each question mark1 credit yourself with five points4 ,you receive no credit for any question that you answered ,no4 ,if you have followed carefully the directions that have been given you1 you now have ten separate raw scores1 one for each of the ten traits on which you were tested4 ,we are now ready to see what these scores mean4 ,using the little outline below1 put down your scores4 ,,your ,,raw ,,score ,,trait ,i ,,trait ,,vi ,,trait ,,ii ,,trait ,,vii ,,trait ,,iii ,,trait ,,viii ,,trait ,,iv ,,trait ,,ix ,,trait ,v ,,trait ,x ,,now ,,find ,,your ,,adjusted ,,score ,if you are a man ,if you are a woman ,,trait ,i 7,repeat raw score7 7,repeat raw score7 ,,trait ,,ii 7,repeat raw score7 7,repeat raw score7 ,,trait ,,iii 7,double raw score7 7,repeat raw score7 ,,trait ,,iv 7,double raw score7 7,multiply raw score by #d7 ,,trait ,v 7,repeat raw score7 7,double raw score7 ,,trait ,,vi 7,repeat raw score7 7,repeat raw score7 ,,trait ,,vii 7,double raw score7 7,repeat raw score7 ,,trait ,,viii 7,repeat raw score7 7,repeat raw score7 ,,trait ,,ix 7,repeat raw score7 7,double raw score7 ,,trait ,x 7,repeat raw score7 7,repeat raw score7 ---------------------------------------- ----------------------------- ,total ,score 7add the #aj scores7 ,total ,score ,thus1 if you were a man you repeated all of your original 8raw0 scores except in traits ,,iii1 ,,iv1 and ,,vii where you doubled the raw score4 ,for example if your raw score on ,,iii was twenty-eight your adjusted score should be fifty-six4 ,likewise if you were a girl you repeated your raw scores in all but ,,iv1 ,v1 and ,,ix4 ,you quadrupled the score on ,,iv and doubled each of the other two4 ,interpretation of ,your ,final ,adjusted ,scores ,,trait ,i4 ,if your score was thirty or above you would seem to be a very sociable person1 quite fond of the company of others1 one who has very broad interests1 and who will probably enjoy talking things over with your mate4 ,a score of twenty-five is about average4 ,if your score is twenty or less1 you are probably cautious about making friends1 have rather specialized interests1 and are not very talkative unless the topic is quite interesting to you4 ,it may be wise1 if you have a low score1 to try to develop more friends1 have more of a social life1 and to get out of your shell4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,,ii4 ,if your score was fifteen or more you are probably a conforming person1 agreeable and poised4 ,you tend to be coperative even though you are positive and firm when your mind is made up4 ,a score of eleven is average4 ,if your score was eight or less1 you may be bullheaded1 domineering1 and argumentative4 ,it may be wise1 if you have a low score1 to try to remember that the other person has a right to his own opinion and that you may lose friends and make enemies unless you act more diplomatically4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,,iii4 ,if your score was fifty-six or more if a man1 or twenty-eight or more if a girl1 you are probably a tranquil person who is not easily irritated or annoyed4 ,you rarely 8fly off the handle0 or become impatient2 this is particularly important if you are a man4 ,a score of forty-six for a man or twenty-three for a girl is typical or average4 ,if your score is thirty-six or less if a man or eighteen or less if a girl1 you are probably an irritable person who is easily annoyed4 ,you may lose your temper too easily and stay peeved too long4 ,you should make an effort to control your temper and to think before you speak1 especially when you are annoyed or provoked4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,,iv4 ,if your score is fifty or more if you are a man1 or one hundred or more if you are a girl1 you would seem to be a frank1 dependable person who makes few excuses and who tries to face reality and do a good job4 ,a score of forty for a man and eighty for a girl are average4 ,if you are a man and have a score of thirty or less or are a girl and have a score of sixty or less1 you tend to blame your mistakes on others1 may shirk your responsibilities1 exaggerate and daydream too much4 ,if your score was low1 you should try to improve1 especially if you are a girl for whom this trait is quite crucial in marriage happiness4 ,try to be more honest with yourself and others2 be less unreasonable1 and stop being suspicious and resentful of people who do not think and act as you do4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,v4 ,if you are a man and have a score of forty or more1 or are a girl and have a score of eighty or more1 you would appear to be a stable person1 confident1 and responsible4 ,you can work with others or can work by yourself without getting lonely and depressed4 ,an average score is thirty for a man or sixty for a woman4 ,if you are a man and have a score of fifteen or less1 or are a girl with a score of thirty or less1 you may be unstable1 nervous1 and fearful4 ,you may feel inferior at times and get blue and discouraged4 ,you need to raise your opinion of yourself4 ,acquire more social skills1 train yourself to be very good or expert in something like a sport or a hobby4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,,vi4 ,if your score was thirty or above1 you would seem to have extremely high ideals and standards1 especially if you are a man4 ,while this is generally desirable1 don't permit yourself to become too intolerant or prejudiced about others4 ,a score of twenty-five is average4 ,a score of twenty or less is low and may indicate that you are too broadminded1 too flexible and expedient in your standards and ideals4 ,watch this because you are not the sort of person who should let himself go4 ,keep a firm grip on yourself1 and remember it is easier never to begin a bad habit than it is to break one4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,,vii4 ,if your score is eighty or more if you are a man1 forty or more if you are a girl1 you are probably a very objective person who thinks like most other people think4 ,you are probably quite steady1 look at things dispassionately1 and are neither repressed nor hypercritical4 ,a score of seventy for a man1 or of thirty-five for a girl is average4 ,a score of sixty or less for a man or of thirty or less for a girl may indicate that you are temperamental and emotional4 ,you may1 at times1 appear peculiar and odd to your friends4 ,you may be repressed4 ,associate as much as possible with others4 ,don't be the first to suggest something different or the last to give in4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,,viii4 ,if your score is twenty-two or more1 you would seem to be a person whose attitudes and interests are flexible and adaptable especially if you are in the twenties4 ,if you are in the thirties or forties a high score is probably less desirable than an average score4 ,a score of thirteen is average4 ,if your score is eight or less1 you would seem to be a very persistent person whose attitudes and interests are so fixed and rigid that you may find it difficult to adjust readily in marriage4 ,especially would that seem to be the case if you are in the twenties4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,,ix4 ,if you are a man and your final score is thirty or above2 or if you are a girl whose adjusted 7doubled7 score is sixty or more1 you would seem to be a thoughtful person who has done considerable thinking about marriage and its responsibilities4 ,particularly does this seem to be true of women4 ,attitudes toward marriage would appear to be wholesome and concerned about making the marriage a success4 ,a score of twenty-four for a man or of forty-eight for a girl is average4 ,a score of eighteen or less for a man or of thirty-six or less for a girl is low and suggests that you may be immature in your thinking and that you have not given much consideration or thought to the responsibilities of marriage4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,trait ,x4 ,this test measured your family background to see if you had been reared in the kind of home in which parents and circumstances were favorable to developing traits and attitudes essential to happy marriage4 ,if you scored #abj or more1 and remember the higher the score the better1 your family background was conducive to your happiness in marriage4 ,a score of one hundred is average4 ,if you scored eighty or less1 it would seem that your family background was not one that tended to develop in you the traits and attitudes necessary for happiness in marriage4 ,summary ,you took a total of ten tests4 ,if you followed the directions1 you have scored them correctly4 7,if you were a man1 you doubled your scores on ,traits ,,iii1 ,,iv1 and ,,vii before you interpreted them4 ,if you were a girl1 you doubled your scores on ,traits ,v and ,,ix and quadrupled1 or multiplied by four1 the score you earned on ,trait ,,iv47 ,after having made these adjustments1 you then read the interpretations and saw how you compared with other people of your own sex4 ,perhaps your prospective mate also took the tests and both of you now know how you stand as individuals4 ,we hope you and your mate made average to high scores on all of these tests4 ,but now you want to know if you are the sort of person1 and if your mate is the sort of person1 who will be happy in marriage4 ,go back to your final adjusted scores on the ten tests4 ,add all ten of these test scores together if you have not already done so to see what the total is4 ,if you are a man1 and your total is #dej or above you would seem to be the sort of person who has an excellent chance of finding happiness in marriage4 ,this is particularly likely to be the case if you also made high scores on ,traits ,,iii1 ,,iv1 ,,vii1 and ,x4 ,if you made a score of about #cej you would seem to be a person who has about an average chance of achieving marriage happiness4 ,if you made a score of #bfe or less1 you will need to use great care in selecting your mate and be willing to work very hard at making your marriage happy4 ,if you are a girl and if your score is five hundred or more1 you are the kind of person who would seem to have an excellent chance of being happy in marriage4 ,especially is this likely to be the case if you made high scores on ,traits ,,iv1 ,v1 ,,ix1 and ,x4 ,if you made a score of about four hundred1 your chances would seem to be about average that you will find happiness in marriage4 ,a score of three hundred or less is not too favorable to happiness in marriage4 ,in our next chapter you are going to be able to compare your testing partner with yourself and see if the two of you would be likely to be happy 7if you married each other74 ,so far we have just tried to find out if you1 or if your mate1 is likely to be happy in whatever marriage is entered upon4 ,in this next chapter we want to find out if you two people are likely to be happy in your marriage to each other4 ,you will have need for the final 7adjusted7 scores on each of the ten tests1 as well as your final or total score you calculated by adding the ten separate scores4 ,with these scores for both yourself and your mate1 plus the answers to several other questions1 you will be able to find out if the two of you are likely to be happy when you marry each other4 ,chapter ,,xii ,now1 ,see ,how ,you ,match as a ,couple6 ,in the last chapter you--and perhaps a testing partner--took ten tests to determine your individual chances of achieving happiness in marriage4 ,the tests recorded your rating on nine important personality traits and on your family background4 ,now we will see how well matched you are4 ,it is possible that you can get a rough idea how well you are matched to an absentee person without having him take any of the tests in these two chapters4 ,suggestions for procedure in such a case are given at the end of this chapter4 ,however1 it is much more desirable1 if you want a really accurate picture1 to have the other person take the tests and do the matching with you4 ,the matching of you two will be based not only on the scores you made in the ten tests just taken and your total score on the tests1 but also on ten other factors which we have found are important in predicting marital success4 ,they include such things as age1 education1 length of courtship and tendency to quarrel4 ,these factors together with your test results will present an accurate over-all picture of your compatibility for marriage1 or lack of it4 ,and incidentally a 8matching0 of two people is not as important when both the man and the girl made a high score 7above four hundred7 in the ten tests just taken as it is if one made a low score and the other a high score1 or if both made low scores4 ,first of all let's pair up your scores on those ten tests in the last chapter to see what your scores mean on each trait when they are paired together4 ,trait ,i is a sociability factor4 ,you can see how two people1 one who is sociable and something of a gadabout and the other a home-body who isn't sociable1 might not be well matched4 ,both should be sociable and like to go out and be with people1 or both should be fireside toasters1 home-loving souls who enjoy being alone with each other4 ,trait ,,ii is a measure of conformity1 of agreeableness to others1 and conscientiousness4 ,while it is better for both to score high on this trait1 if one scores low1 it is better that the other score high4 ,trait ,,iii is a measure of tranquillity or lack of irritability4 ,while it is better for both to score high1 if one scores low1 it is important that the other should score high1 or there may be considerable bickering and angry feelings4 ,trait ,,iv is a measure of dependability1 frankness1 and willingness to accept responsibility4 ,this trait is of great importance to happiness of both men and women1 and it is especially important that a girl score high here4 ,both should score high1 but if one scores low1 it is quite important that the other score high4 ,trait ,v is a measure of stability4 ,our research shows that it is of the greatest importance that the two people make about the same scores on this test4 ,while it is better for both to be high1 it is more crucial that the girl make a high score1 be very stable1 than it is for the man4 ,trait ,,vi is a measure of standards and ideals4 ,both should have high scores but it is more important that the man have a good score than the girl because girls have been trained to have higher ideals than men4 ,if one mate has a very low score1 then the other by all means should have a high score4 ,that combination will provide a balance wheel4 ,trait ,,vii is a measure of steadiness and freedom from excess emotionality4 ,while more important that the man score high1 because in most cases he will be the income earner1 both should make about the same scores4 ,trait ,,viii is a measure of flexibility and adaptability4 ,while average to high scores are important1 and while agreement or about the same scores are desirable1 if one must score low it is better for the man to do so than for the woman4 ,trait ,,ix is a measure of thoughtfulness and consideration4 ,this is a much more important trait for women than for men1 yet at the same time1 marriage happiness is definitely promoted by both making about the same scores4 ,trait ,x is important for either the man or the woman1 because it measures the family background of both people4 ,it is important that both score as high as possible on this trait4 ,it is even more important for the girl to score high than it is for the man4 ,but if either mate should score low1 it is most important that the other score high4 ,to sum up1 it is important that both people make about the same scores on sociability 7,i71 conformity 7,,ii71 dependability 7,,iv71 stability 7,v7 idealism 7,,vi71 flexibility 7,,viii7 and seriousness 7,,ix71 and the higher the better4 ,if one scored low on the other three 7tranquillity1 steadiness and family background7 it is important that the other score high4 ,but how can you get a more detailed1 concrete picture of your compatibility1 or lack of it8 ,on the following pages you are going to see your degree of compatibility emerge from a series of twenty-one figures4 ,when those twenty-one figures are totaled you will have your answer4 ,instructions ,first glance over these 8,do ,you ,match80 tables on the next few pages to familiarize yourself with them4 ,in the twenty-one blocks you will match yourselves on the ten traits already tested1 you will match your total scores on those traits and then in the last ten will match yourself on ten other factors4 ,take the very first item1 8,test ,i40 ,this matches you on sociability4 ,suppose the man had an adjusted score of twenty-seven when he took the sociability test in the last chapter and the girl had a score of twenty-four4 ,look over the five alternative combinations to see where such a scoring fits4 ,it fits in combination 7d7 so you should write a credit of three points in the block on the right4 ,on 8,test ,,ii10 suppose the man made an adjusted score of eighteen and the girl of seven4 ,that's a big difference4 ,since no such combination is shown1 write a zero in the block4 ,,do ,,you ,,match8 ,,test ,i4 a4 ,both scored #cj or above1 give credit of #aj points b4 ,one scored #cj or above1 other scored #be-bi1 credit #e points c4 ,both scored #be-bi1 credit #e points d4 ,one scored #be-bi1 other scored #ba-bd1 credit #c points e4 ,any other combination receives no credit ,,test ,,ii4 a4 ,both scored #ae or above1 give credit of #h points b4 ,one scored #ae or above1 other scored #aa-ad1 credit #d points c4 ,both scored #aa-ad1 credit #b points d4 ,any other combination receives no credit ,,test ,,iii4 a4 ,man scored #ef or above1 girl #bh or above1 credit #ab points b4 ,man scored #ef or above1 girl #bc-bg1 credit #aj points c4 ,man scored #df-ee1 girl #bc or above1 credit #h points d4 ,man scored #cg-de1 girl scored #bc or above1 credit #e points e4 ,any other combination receives no credit ,,test ,,iv4 a4 ,man scored #ej or above1 girl #ajj or above1 credit #bj points b4 ,girl scored #ajj or above1 man scored #dj-di1 credit #ae points c4 ,girl scored #ajj or above1 man scored #ca-ci1 credit #aj points d4 ,man scored #dj-di1 girl scored #ha-ii1 credit #h points e4 ,man scored #ca-ci1 girl scored #ha-ii1 credit #e points f4 ,any other combination receives no credit ,,test ,v4 a4 ,man scored #dj or above1 girl #hj or above1 credit #ae points b4 ,man scored #ca-ci1 girl #hj or above1 credit #ab points c4 ,man scored #ba-bi1 girl #hj or above1 credit #aj points d4 ,man scored #dj or above1 girl #fj-gi1 credit #h points e4 ,man scored #ca-ci1 girl #fj-gi1 credit #e points f4 ,any other combination receives no credit ,,test ,,vi4 a4 ,both scored #cj or above1 give credit of #aj points b4 ,one scored #cj or above1 other scored #be-bi1 credit #e points c4 ,both scored #be-bi1 credit #e points d4 ,one scored #be-bi1 other scored #ba-bd1 credit #c points e4 ,any other combination receives no credit ,,test ,,vii4 a4 ,man scored #hj or above1 girl #dj or above1 credit #ab points b4 ,man scored #hj or above1 girl #ce-ci1 credit #aj points c4 ,man scored #ga-gi1 girl #dj or above1 credit #h points d4 ,man scored #ga-gi1 girl #ce-ci1 credit #e points e4 ,man scored #fa-fi1 girl #dj or above1 credit #c points f4 ,any other combination receives no credit ,,test ,,viii4 a4 ,both scored #bb or above1 credit #aj points b4 ,man scored #bb or above1 girl #ac-ba1 credit #h points c4 ,man scored #ac-ba1 girl scored #bb or above1 credit #e points d4 ,man scored #ac-ba1 girl scored #ac-ba1 credit #c points e4 ,any other combination receives no credit ,,test ,,ix4 a4 ,man scored #cj or above1 girl scored #fj or above1 credit #ae points b4 ,man scored #bd-bi1 girl scored #fj or above1 credit #ab points c4 ,man scored #ai-bc1 girl scored #fj or above1 credit #aj points d4 ,man scored #cj or above1 girl #dh-ei1 credit #h points e4 ,man scored #bd-bi1 girl scored #dh-ei1 credit #e points f4 ,any other combination receives no credit ,,test ,x4 a4 ,both scores #abj or above1 credit #bj points b4 ,one scores #ajj-aai1 other scores #abj or above1 credit #ae points c4 ,both score #ajj-aai1 credit #aj points d4 ,one scores #abj or above1 other scores #ha-ij1 credit #h points e4 ,one scores #ajj-aai1 other scores #hj or less1 credit #e points f4 ,any other combination receives no credit ,,total ,,test ,,score 7,total of all ten tests as scored in ,chapter ,,xi7 a4 ,man #dfj or above1 girl #ejj or more1 credit #be points b4 ,man #djj-dei1 girl #ejj or more1 credit #bj points c4 ,man #dfj or above1 girl #dbe-dii1 credit #ae points d4 ,man #djj-dei1 girl #dbe-dii1 credit #aj points e4 ,man #cej-dbe1 girl #djj or above1 credit #e points f4 ,any other combination receives no credit ,now score your compatibility on the ten additional factors following and fill the proper credits in the blocks just as you have been doing4 ,on factors #g1 #h and #i bear in mind that you cannot count as a part of your acquaintanceship1 courtship or engagement any period of time of three months or longer when you did not see each other1 as is the case where a man was overseas4 #a4 ,,parents a4 ,both sets of parents happily married1 credit #ae points b4 ,one set of parents happy1 other set average1 credit #aj points c4 ,both sets of parents average in happiness1 credit #h points d4 ,one set happy1 other set not happy1 credit #e points e4 ,any other combination receives no credit #b4 ,,schooling a4 ,both members of the couple have had education beyond high school1 credit #aj points b4 ,both have completed high school1 credit #h points c4 ,one has some college1 the other has finished high school1 #e points d4 ,any other combination receives no credit #c4 ,,religion a4 ,both regularly attend the same or similar churches1 credit #ae points b4 ,both are ,jews1 ,catholics1 or ,protestants1 credit #aj points c4 ,although basic religions differ1 both have about the same views1 credit #e points d4 ,any other combination receives no credit #d4 ,,parental ,,approval a4 ,both sets of parents approve this match1 credit #ab points b4 ,one set approves1 the other is not opposed1 credit #aj points c4 ,one set approves1 one set opposes1 credit #e points d4 ,any other combination receives no credit #e4 ,,age ,,comparison a4 ,both people are within #c years age of each other1 credit #aj points b4 ,girl is three or more years older than man1 credit #e points c4 ,any other combination receives no credit #f4 ,,years ,,of ,,age a4 ,man is at least #be years1 girl at least #bb1 credit #aj points b4 ,man is at least #bc years1 girl at least #bj1 credit #e points c4 ,man #bb years or older1 girl at least #ai1 credit #c points d4 ,any other combination receives no credit #g4 ,,acquaintanceship a4 ,have known each other six years or more1 credit #bj points b4 ,have known each other #c but less than #f years1 credit #ae points c4 ,have known each other #b but less than #c years1 credit #aj points d4 ,have known each other #a but less than #b years1 credit #e points e4 ,any other combination receives no credit #h4 ,,dating a4 ,have been dating and going steady #c years or more1 credit #bj points b4 ,have been dating and going steady #b but less than #c years1 credit #ae points c4 ,have been going steady #a year but less than #b years1 credit #aj points d4 ,have been going steady #h months to #a year1 credit #e points e4 ,any other combination receives no credit #i4 ,,engagement1 ,,if ,,any a4 ,have been definitely engaged for over #b years1 credit #bj points b4 ,have been definitely engaged #ah months to #b years1 credit #ae points c4 ,have been definitely engaged #ab months to #ah months1 credit #aj points d4 ,have been definitely engaged not less than #f months1 credit #e points e4 ,if engaged less than #f months1 no credit #aj4 ,,quarrels a4 ,there have been no quarrels to speak of during courtship1 credit #bj points b4 ,any misunderstandings have been quickly settled by mutual agreement1 credit #ae points c4 ,while there have been conflicts1 no one was so serious that the couple did not see each other regularly1 credit #aj points d4 ,misunderstandings have been infrequent and have been settled by one or the other giving in1 credit #e points e4 ,any other answer receives no credit ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------- ,total ,final ,score ,now1 you have twenty-one scores and a ,total ,final ,score4 ,let us see what this score means4 ,if the ,total ,final ,score for you two is #bej or above1 then you would seem to be very well matched4 ,furthermore1 it would appear that you two people should be quite happy in marriage4 ,if there are no unfavorable factors present such as poor physical health1 or inability to make a living1 and if you two people are really deeply in love1 then your marriage should be a happy one4 ,if the final score is #bjj to #bdi1 you would still seem to be fairly well matched4 ,if there are no unfavorable factors1 if both of you are old enough for marriage1 if both of you are determined to make it work1 you should be happier than is the average couple4 ,if your final score is #aej to #aii1 the outlook would not seem to be too favorable4 ,your marriage might not be as happy as that of the average couple4 ,why not wait another six months8 ,give yourselves time to see what some of your problems are4 ,do something active about them4 ,it may help you to talk things over with a marriage counselor1 or with your minister1 or somebody else whom you trust and who is mature enough to help you analyze the situation4 ,if your score is #adi or less1 then it would seem that you two people should put off marriage for six months or perhaps a year or longer4 ,you can be sure there are some factors present that should make you stop1 look1 and listen4 ,perhaps both of you are not well adjusted as separate personalities1 or to each other4 ,maybe you are of radically different religions1 or your parents are opposed to your marriage4 ,perhaps you need to have a much longer period of courtship or engagement4 ,whatever the reason1 you should talk the matter over with some person competent to advise you4 ,see a good marriage counselor or psychologist who specializes in guidance4 ,talk things over with your minister1 rabbi1 or priest4 ,you don't want to make a mistake and have an unhappy marriage that might terminate in separation or divorce4 ,of course you can say1 and correctly1 that you have little or no responsibility for some of the factors1 such as the lack of happiness in your parents' marriage4 ,even though this may be the case1 you have been affected or influenced by the presence or absence of happiness in your own home4 ,what are some concrete suggestions that may help you bring about a happy marriage even though one of you1 or the two of you1 may not have made scores typical of young couples who get married and are happy8 ,these suggestions may be of help to you3 #a4 ,if you are introverted 7unsociable71 you should increase the number of social skills that you have4 ,oftentimes we find that our enjoyment from association with other people is increased greatly when we learn to do some of the things they do1 such as dance1 bowl1 swim1 etc4 ,try to be outstanding in something4 #b4 ,acquire a philosophy of life4 ,what are your beliefs and views8 ,are you a conservative or a radical in politics1 religion1 ethics8 ,are there some guiding principles in your life8 ,if you aren't sure1 sit down with yourself and try to figure out what you believe in and practice4 ,check it against your own behavior4 ,do you say one thing and do another8 ,are your family and friends rather sure about what you believe in1 or do they have trouble predicting what you will do next8 #c4 ,is your temper explosive1 unruly1 and peevish8 ,why do you get angry8 ,if it is because you feel inferior1 why do you feel inferior8 ,can't you do something about it8 ,do you honestly try to control your temper8 #d4 ,are you unstable1 fearful1 nervous8 ,why8 ,is it because you feel you are unattractive or ignorant1 or are you carrying around feelings of guilt and uneasiness about something you feel ashamed of8 ,if it is your physical health1 see your physician4 ,if it is your mental health1 see a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist4 ,develop a trusting confidential relationship with someone1 preferably an older person1 with whom you can feel free to unburden yourself4 #e4 ,are your standards and ideals too low1 or too high1 when compared to your behavior8 ,perhaps you are an intolerant and prejudiced person who is too narrow-minded and prudish4 ,are you critical and gossipy about many of the things your acquaintances do8 ,do you know whether you have set your standards impossibly high2 so high that you have a constant feeling of frustration because you are always falling short8 #f4 ,are you an emotional person1 always going off on a tangent1 never able to keep a steady course8 ,is it because you aren't in the work you want to do8 ,can't you change jobs8 ,perhaps you are confused in your thinking1 disturbed about religion1 morals1 things that are right or wrong4 ,have you asked your friends their ideas8 ,do you keep busy8 ,have you talked things over with your pastor8 ,is there some serious frustration always hanging over your head8 ,why don't you sit down1 take stock of yourself8 ,it is only by an inventory of ourselves1 accompanied by a searching analysis1 that we discover what is wrong and see ways to clear things up4 #g4 ,are you so set in your ways that you cannot see that 8circumstances alter cases80 ,do you earnestly try to adapt yourself to people and new situations or do you expect all the adaptation to come from somebody else8 ,perhaps you are smug1 never have a new idea4 ,try reading a ,republican newspaper if you never read anything but a ,democratic paper4 ,go to a different church4 ,get out of the rut you are in4 ,listen to other people's ideas for a change4 ,don't be so cocksure that you are always right and the other fellow always wrong4 #h4 ,do you ever sit down and think8 ,reflect about yourself1 your friends1 your activities1 your responsibilities8 ,do you stop and ask yourself if you are selfish and inconsiderate8 ,do you sympathize with others1 try to avoid saying things that may hurt somebody's feelings8 ,do you build up people rather than tear down8 ,do you go out of your way to help others8 #i4 ,if you and your prospective mate are constantly quarreling1 have you stopped asking whose fault it is and started doing your best to prevent conflicts8 ,unless you two people settle your problems by compromise and mutual give-and-take1 your marriage future looks dark4 #aj4 ,did you get engaged shortly after you first met8 ,in most real love1 an engagement rarely occurs before the couple have known and dated each other regularly for at least a year or longer4 #aa4 ,are you sure it is love8 ,could it be just loneliness1 a desire to escape an unpleasant environment8 ,are you sure it isn't a 8phantasy ideal80 #ab4 ,why don't your parents approve this marriage8 ,after all1 they may have something4 ,look back in the past--weren't they right many times then when you thought they were wrong8 ,unless your friends warmly approve this marriage1 your parents are probably right in urging you to wait4 #ac4 ,do you really know your mate8 ,what makes one a good date doesn't usually make one a good mate4 ,although an hour's enjoyment of dancing1 going to the movies1 etc4 may be wonderful pastime1 it may be far from what you need in a mate4 ,are you sure what you want in a mate is what you need8 ,are you sure that what you have found is what you need in a mate8 #ad4 ,last but not least is this prospective mate going to be the sort of parent you want your children to have8 ,when you have finished asking yourself these questions1 you will probably have some good ideas what to do if you and your mate didn't make a score above average4 ,take your time4 ,it is easier to get married than it is to get separated or divorced1 and much easier on one's disposition in the long run4 ,you want to marry but we want you to make a good choice and to find in marriage all the happiness and contentment that it can bring4 ,procedure ,if ,you ,are ,doing the ,matching ,alone ,some readers may wish to see how they match with another person but would prefer to do the matching without consulting him4 ,that can be done1 though of course it will be much less accurate4 ,use the 8,do ,you ,match80 tables in this chapter1 just as couples working together did4 ,you won't have much trouble scoring the last ten of the twenty-one items since they are based on known facts4 ,your greatest problem will be in estimating the scores your mate would make in the ten tests on personality traits4 ,your estimates will necessarily be rough approximations2 but if you have known this person for several months you may have a fair idea how he would answer the various questions in those tests and estimate scores for him accordingly4 ,be rigidly honest when you imagine the answers this person would make4 ,you can double-check your compatibility with such an absentee person by taking the following short test4 ,it is a greatly abbreviated check on compatibility4 ,,are ,,you ,,well ,,mated8 ,here is a final check-list on compatibility1 primarily for a person who took the tests in ,chapter ,,xi by himself4 ,this test1 which can be taken by either a man or woman1 provides you with a rough gauge for determining whether the person you are dating might make a good mate for you4 ,if you are a man1 change questions to read 8she0 instead of 8he40 #a4 ,are you two about equally sociable8 ,that is1 are you both either gadabouts or both stay-at-homes8 ,yes ,no #b4 ,are you both stern-minded1 with high ideals1 or else are you both broadminded and practical8 ,yes ,no #c4 ,does he find satisfaction and reward in his work8 ,yes ,no #d4 ,is he over #bj1 under #dj1 and not divorced8 ,yes ,no #e4 ,is he regarded by acquaintances as a solidly dependable person not given to excuse-making and sly lies8 ,yes ,no #f4 ,have you been dating steadily for two years or longer8 ,yes ,no #g4 ,has your dating been relatively free from quarrels8 ,yes ,no #h4 ,do you and your mate have much the same beliefs and attitudes about religion8 ,yes ,no #i4 ,do both sets of parents favor this marriage8 ,yes ,no #aj4 ,did he attend ,sunday school regularly until he was at least #ah8 ,yes ,no #aa4 ,is he in good physical health8 ,yes ,no #ab4 ,do you two have about the same emotional responsiveness or warmth of passion8 ,yes ,no #ac4 ,was he free of conflict with his parents and did they discipline him firmly but not harshly8 ,yes ,no #ad4 ,were his parents happily married8 ,yes ,no #ae4 ,is he free of jealousy and suspicion8 ,yes ,no #af4 ,does he have a calm1 even temperament1 especially if you are one to fly off the handle quickly8 ,yes ,no #ag4 ,do you both have a healthy attitude toward sex8 7,that is1 are you neither disgusted nor morbidly concerned with it87 ,yes ,no #ah4 ,is he a temperate person not given to heavy drinking8 ,yes ,no #ai4 ,are you two fairly close together somewhere in the broad middle zone between being timid and reckless8 ,yes ,no #bj4 ,do you both think you want children8 ,yes ,no ,if each had sixteen yes answers or more to the above questions1 then your romance would seem to be on fairly solid ground4 ,however1 after you have taken the test1 then go back and compare the two sets of answers on all the questions4 ,if each had seventeen yes's or more1 and if there was mutual agreement1 that is1 if both had the same yes answers to at least fifteen of the questions1 then it would appear that your marriage is not so mixed that it cannot be made to work4 ,chapter ,,xiii ,beware of ,mixed ,marriages ,the 8,mixed0 marriage is any marriage in which great differences exist between the husband and wife1 particularly differences of culture or religious training4 ,you also have a 8mixed0 marriage if there are decided differences of personality1 of intelligence1 of education1 of age1 of race or nationality1 of social culture or of economic status4 ,suppose there are great differences4 ,that's what makes life interesting1 some people say4 ,differences may be 8interesting0 but if they are really fundamental they can form a gulf between the two mates that will make happiness difficult to achieve4 ,it is the conviction of the authors--based upon a study of hundreds of happy and miserable marriages--that the more a man and girl have in common the more likely they will enjoy being married4 ,one of the factors that seems to have great importance in making a marriage work is the congeniality of the two persons4 ,this congeniality must be built upon the things they have in common4 ,the more things they have in common and the fewer the differences1 the greater the likelihood of congeniality4 ,and the greater the ease with which the two can talk over their mutual problems fully1 frankly1 and understandingly4 ,the success of a marriage depends upon the total adjustment the two personalities can make to each other4 ,even where couples are highly compatible far-reaching adjustments must be made4 ,when to the normal differences you add fundamental differences of background1 the sheer problems of adjustment will add a severe strain to the union4 ,suppose the two people do bridge the gulf between themselves4 ,there will be great differences between their two sets of parents that may present problems4 ,and there will be the differences between their two sets of friends4 ,no couple lives completely alone4 ,two mates not only take each other for better or worse but also they must take with them the parents and friends of the other4 ,take two cases with which we are familiar4 ,they are typical of the cases in the files of any marriage counselor4 7,their real names1 of course1 are not used47 ,john is forty-two years old1 a ,catholic1 a ,democrat and had a high school education4 ,his young bride1 ,margaret1 is twenty-four1 has had three years of college at a fashionable finishing school4 ,she is a ,baptist and a ,republican4 ,these two people think they are in love4 ,perhaps they are4 ,but on the other hand ,margaret was attracted to ,john chiefly for his 8maturity10 his handsome appearance1 the very nice compliments he paid her1 and the success he has made of himself4 ,she likes the idea that he is a self-made man4 7,he is the junior partner in a business1 and his income is about six thousand dollars a year47 ,john is fussy and parsimonious in his habits and thinks that going to the movies once every month or two is enough for anybody4 ,he is not very sociable and would rather stay at home and read some thrilling mystery story than go out4 ,he lives with his parents and has specified that ,margaret come and live with them as his mother is not in too good health4 ,margaret is vivacious1 full of life and energy1 very much interested in parties1 dancing and sports4 ,she is warmhearted1 and since she was accustomed in her own home to having servants1 she is careless where she puts things4 ,after she finishes dressing her room looks as though a ,kansas cyclone had struck it4 ,john was attracted to her despite her 8odd0 ways because she had given him considerable appreciation for the progress he has made without much formal education4 ,she is the most attractive girl who has ever shown an interest in him1 and he subconsciously feels that her social position in the community will be an asset to him in the success of his business4 ,despite their present professions of love it is hard for us to believe these two will find lasting happiness in marriage4 ,they have too many points of difference4 ,jim and ,mary1 in contrast1 are what we could call compatible4 ,jim is twenty-eight1 a college graduate in business1 and is a junior executive in an office-supply firm4 ,he is a sociable person1 likes the movies1 wants to go to an occasional dance and has many friends among both sexes4 ,mary also likes to dance1 has many friends1 enjoys parties and sports4 ,she was graduated in liberal arts in college but in addition took a secretarial course4 ,he is a ,methodist1 she a ,presbyterian4 ,he is an independent in politics though reared in a ,republican home4 ,although ,mary has voted the ,republican ticket she tends to be something of a liberal1 politically4 ,they became acquainted in their senior year at college and now both are working at the same firm4 ,if they go through with their marriage we predict they will find a great deal of happiness in it4 ,they have so many things in common4 ,in the last few chapters we have already pointed out how crucial it is for a couple to have compatible personality traits4 ,studies have shown that unhappy couples frequently disagree on their friends1 matters of recreation1 the way they demonstrate affection1 the way children should be reared and other things that are a vital part of marriage4 ,the research of the ,marriage ,counseling ,service at ,penn ,state has shown that the couples who disagree most are the couples whose personalities are least alike4 ,take the great difference of ideals in the case of the son of the traveling salesman who is rushing the daughter of a clergyman4 ,she is almost spiritual in her ideals and at home learned to restrain all manifestations of affection4 ,the young man is handsome and dashing1 a fast talker and a social butterfly4 ,he likes to tell dirty stories and to get drunk4 ,it is unlikely that their romance will progress far enough to contemplate marriage1 but if they should get married1 the radical differences in traits will produce a great unhappiness4 ,what are the other factors besides personality traits that can produce mixed marriages8 ,here are the main mixtures to watch out for4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,are ,,there ,,fundamental ,,differences ,,of ,,religion8 ,if the couple are of different religious beliefs their philosophies of life may be so deeply different that they may be liable to constant friction4 ,one ,german study showed that the fewest divorces were in marriages between ,jews and that the largest number of divorces occurred when a ,catholic married a non-,catholic4 ,in ,maryland1 twelve thousand young people were asked the religious affiliations of their parents and also asked if their parents were living together1 divorced or separated4 ,here were the percentage of broken marriages found in different groupings3 ,when both parents ,jewish #d4f ,when both parents ,catholic #f4d ,when both parents ,protestant #f4h ,when religions mixed #ae4b ,in other words1 a mixed marriage is two or three times more likely to end in unhappiness than when the marriage is not mixed religiously6 ,and in inter-marrying some combinations seem to be more explosive than others4 ,below are three possible combinations in descending order1 with the bottom combination least likely of all to produce a happy marriage4 ,protestant to ,jew ,protestant to ,catholic ,jew to ,catholic ,catholics have the greatest difficulties in inter-marriages presumably because their church takes a sterner view of inter-marriage than do the other churches4 ,another factor may be that they are taught not to use birth control devices 7though family spacing through 8rhythm0 is condoned74 ,suppose that a ,catholic and ,protestant do marry4 ,there are thousands of couples who have achieved happiness in spite of religious differences4 ,you can achieve it1 perhaps1 but both of you should face the problems involved in such an inter-marriage before1 not after1 the wedding4 ,if possible one should agree to embrace the religion of the other4 ,you should also definitely agree on the church in which the children are to be reared4 ,you should even discuss the size of the family desired because that may become a point of difference4 ,if both refuse to budge from their religion they must face the likelihood of disharmony developing after marriage1 particularly as children come along and decisions must be made about their religious training4 ,religious inter-marriages are particularly difficult when one or both are deeply religious and feel very strongly about holding to their particular faith4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,are ,,there ,,significant ,,differences ,,of ,,intelligence8 ,a wife can be somewhat less intelligent than her husband and they can still be happy1 but almost any other variations in intelligence are apt to produce problems1 especially if the differences are pronounced4 ,studies have shown that husbands and wives usually are much more alike in intelligence than in physical characteristics4 ,people in general tend to select mates whose mental ability is about the same as their own4 ,when two people of vastly different mental equipment marry1 the less-endowed mate is apt to develop very strong feelings of inferiority1 and the two may find it very hard to select interests and activities to share4 ,the more intelligent one unconsciously may develop a superior attitude that may be patronizing or impatient4 ,another thing they are bound to disagree on is how to spend their leisure time1 the kind of friends that they will have1 the social ethics they will have1 and in fact their whole philosophies of life4 ,the brighter mate reads serious magazines1 listens to symphonies and forums1 reads little or no light fiction4 ,the less intelligent mate is interested in the spectacular radio programs1 reads the more frothy magazines1 has few deep intellectual interests4 ,it is the glamorous1 exciting things that appeal4 ,also they do not share ambitions4 ,two such people cannot talk over with each other their hopes and ambitions1 their frustrations4 ,there is no sharing4 ,one feels aloof from the other4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,are ,,there ,,four ,,or ,,more ,,years ,,difference ,,in ,,formal ,,education8 ,there can be wide differences in schooling but only as long as the two people's interests and attitudes are about the same4 ,and in these days of wide reading1 radio information1 night schools and correspondence courses1 two people may differ greatly in formal education but differ little in their informal education4 ,however1 it does appear to be a fact that the happiest marriages seem to be those in which the two people met each other on a school campus1 took similar curricula1 lived in the same academic background4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,are ,,there ,,wide ,,differences ,,in ,,your ,,economic ,,background8 ,this is closely related to the social differences4 ,mothers have encouraged wide differences in economic background by teaching their daughters to marry 8up0 the economic scale4 ,they are urged to make 8good catches40 ,it is only human for a mother to wish that her daughter will not have to scrimp as she has had to in her marriage4 ,it also enhances a family's social prestige if a daughter can marry 8up40 ,however when there are wide differences in the incomes of the two sets of parents1 those differences are accompanied by differences in social background which are often hard to reconcile4 ,added to this is the factor of acceptance that invariably arises when either a girl or man marries way above his own economic level4 ,the parents and friends of the wealthy mate often assume that the other married for money4 ,that may produce serious tension and create a lasting in-law problem4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,is ,,there ,a ,,wide ,,difference ,,in ,,age8 ,one study has shown that the least happy marriages are those in which the husband is six to eight years older than the wife4 ,perhaps it is not the difference in age itself so much as the fact that people that far apart in age will be unlike in other respects which creates the strain on marriage4 ,the happiest marriages for wives seem to range from one extreme where the wife is four years older than the husband to the other extreme where the wife is four years younger than the husband4 ,the happiest marriages for husbands seem to be those in which the husband is from one year older than the wife to where the husband is four years older than the wife4 ,when all the evidence is analyzed it would seem that the happiest marriages for everybody concerned are those marriages in which the husband and wife are within one to two years of each other4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,are ,,there ,,differences ,,in ,,your ,,social ,,culture8 ,here is a girl who has been reared in the ,south4 ,she was taught to be a lady1 to be waited upon1 not to work because she would have servants4 ,here is a man brought up in ,nebraska1 reared in a home where his own mother was hardworking1 not only did the housework but occasionally helped milk the cows and helped do other chores for her farmer husband4 ,with the ,southern girl there has been a tremendous emphasis upon 8family10 on social prestige1 on doing certain things in certain precise ways4 ,in the case of the ,nebraska man1 little of this formality has been present4 ,instead the emphasis has been upon hard work1 upon thriftiness1 upon a wife sharing heavily the responsibilities of earning a living4 ,two such widely differing philosophies are likely to produce grief in marriage4 ,the war1 with its tremendous shifts of population1 produced a great many of these interregional marriages4 ,they are certainly not doomed but the couples should face frankly the problems involved in a mixing of cultures4 99 99 99 99 99 ,those1 briefly1 are the main types of mixed marriages4 ,you should enter into them carefully1 if at all4 ,in any case where there are serious differences of background1 the couple should compare themselves carefully1 see just what the differences are1 be realistic about those differences1 ferret out the special problems that those differences will create 7as in the rearing of children71 agree on ways to attack the problems and solve them4 ,only then is there hope that the marriage can be a success4 ,the difficulty is that couples tend to gloss over differences that exist4 ,they refuse to identify them1 to admit their existence4 ,they put off facing them4 ,then later in marriage the problems can no longer be avoided and by then they have become so acute that reconciliation becomes very difficult4 ,for example1 if a ,catholic wants to marry a ,protestant1 it is far better for the couple to see the problems that will exist from such a mixed marriage before they are married than after they are married4 ,chapter ,,xiv ,nine ,dangerous ,characters ,there are some prospective mates who will survive all the tests we have given you thus far and in fact look like ideal partners1 and yet will bring you grief every time in marriage4 ,in studying marriage failures it has been found that again and again certain types of mates make a marriage seem intolerable4 ,we'll introduce you to nine of the worst troublemakers4 ,they are hard to detect1 but usually you can spot them if you have had several months really to know them before you commit yourself to marriage4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,jealous ,,mate4 ,perhaps a man becomes excessively jealous because his young wife is attractive to other men or because she has been accustomed to traveling with a more sophisticated crowd than he has4 ,on the other side perhaps the wife--with little cause--becomes insanely jealous of her husband's secretary4 ,we know from investigation that jealousy causes at least one out of every five quarrels that occur between ,american husbands and wives4 ,and furthermore1 in divorce cases jealousy turns up as a factor in almost half of all divorces4 ,that is not hard to understand because a jealous person inevitably becomes a difficult person to live with4 ,he or she is usually suspicious1 quick-tempered and disagreeable4 ,it is hard to love a person who is jealous of you4 ,you lose your respect for him1 and you can't be natural with him4 ,when you do try to be natural he will set you on your guard by some snippish and unprovoked remark and will question you awkwardly at length to check on your movements4 ,frequently he will fly into temper outbursts or sink into black moods4 ,psychologically jealousy is a feeling of frustration1 which in turn produces anger and dejection4 ,the person is frustrated because he fears he is losing the love of the mate or fears that the mate is being unfaithful4 ,jealousy may be real or imaginary4 ,evidence uncovered at the ,penn ,state clinic would indicate that frequently it is the latter4 ,in real jealousy the mate knows1 or suspects correctly1 that the other person is flirting or acting in a questionable manner4 ,in imaginary jealousy the jealous person is that way simply because he lacks confidence in himself4 ,he would probably be jealous of anyone he married1 because he has strong feelings of inferiority and is usually unstable emotionally4 ,any prospective mate who is habitually in such a mental stew without real cause would make an extremely poor husband or wife4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,mate ,,who ,,wants ,,to ,,improve ,,you4 ,there is sound psychology behind the thought in the marriage ceremony that you take your spouse 8for better or for worse40 ,at the wedding each mate should be accepted for what he is with no reservations for the future4 ,marriage is a partnership in the true sense and if one partner takes it upon himself to teach or improve the other1 that relationship is sorely disturbed4 ,one starts feeling superior and the other either inferior or indignant or both4 ,it is terribly easy for some new husbands and wives--after the glamour has worn off--to see flaws in their mates that should be corrected immediately4 ,their intentions may be kindly but soon they are continually criticizing and imploring the mate to change his or her ways4 ,a constant urge to improve a mate is closely akin to nagging4 ,in fact nagging means oral pressure1 and when applied to a spouse it invariably produces discord4 ,the nagger in marriage is one of the major troublemakers4 ,if the attempts to improve a mate are made in public--as they frequently are--the affronts then clearly become intolerable4 ,nothing produces greater resentment4 ,even if the aggrieved partner can absorb such criticism without slashing back he will seethe inwardly and seek revenge for such an assault on his dignity4 ,let's look at the 8improver40 ,it has been found that such a person is rarely the happily adjusted1 emotionally mature person4 ,rather he could stand some self-improvement himself4 ,usually he is trying to improve the other either because of his own underlying feeling of inferiority1 or because it gives him a mean1 petty advantage over the other4 ,if after reading the above you still feel that your own mate or prospective mate has faults that could well be improved1 why don't you try one of these tacks8 ,first1 remember that if you maintain high standards yourself your mate will gradually rise to them4 ,set a good example4 ,couples grow more alike every day they are married4 ,if you are anxious to have immediate results1 use indirect rather than direct suggestions4 ,a wife1 for example1 might say to her husband that she appreciates the fact that he has been more considerate of her during the past few days4 ,this may be hokum4 ,but even though he has not been any more considerate1 the compliment will encourage him to be more considerate in the future4 ,or suppose that a man thinks his fiance shows appalling taste in her clothes4 ,a frontal criticism would wound and probably infuriate her4 ,but if he starts out by complimenting her on the few presentable things she wears1 he can use them as springboards for getting across to her the kind of clothes she should wear to make herself most appealing to him4 ,few women can resist such suggestions4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the 8,,nervous0 ,,mate4 ,many wives neglect their husbands1 and many husbands quarrel with their wives1 because they are emotionally insecure4 ,they are at loose ends with themselves4 ,in scientific language1 they are maladjusted or neurotic4 ,marriage in itself rarely cures an emotionally unstable person4 ,in fact it may aggravate his trouble by adding new frustrations4 ,a person who is unstable before marriage is apt to find that the increased responsibilities and decreased liberty under marriage impose new burdens4 ,his frustrations become aggravated4 ,every marriage counselor knows from experience that unhappily married couples usually present difficulties that can be traced to the emotional maladjustment of one or both of the mates4 ,perhaps the husband flies into a rage if supper is late or if his pipe rack has been moved4 ,but any psychologist knows such tantrums are merely symptoms1 symptoms of the man's basic maladjustment to life4 ,they will appear when he meets any sort of frustration4 ,if the wife is careful to have supper on time and keep the pipe rack in the same place the eruptions will appear somewhere else4 ,they will appear1 that is1 unless the husband can get hold of himself and grow up emotionally4 ,this may require help from an experienced psychologist who can get at the roots of the man's difficulties4 ,here are some other thoughts for easing a situation where one or both of the couple are high-strung4 ,when either mate is upset the other should make it easy for him to talk his troubles out4 ,talking things over dispassionately is a wonderful way to ease tensions4 ,psychologists now realize its importance and refer to it as mutual psychotherapy4 ,sometimes the tensions are produced by physical and mental fatigue4 ,perhaps one or both mates are working too hard and relaxing too little4 ,if so they should try to modify their routines to get in more rest1 sleep and relaxation4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,financial ,,critic4 ,money is not the root of all evil1 but it certainly is at the root of a lot of marriage unhappiness4 ,all studies that have been made concerning the reasons why married couples quarrel agree that financial arrangements cause more friction than any other one phase of marriage4 ,for example1 couples quarrel five times as much over money as they do over the rearing of children1 which is a well-known troublemaker4 ,one half of all divorced couples say that financial problems were a part of their difficulties4 ,unless the couple is really poor1 the lack of money doesn't cause the troubles as much as bad management of it4 ,the average couple should be comforted to know that too much money causes trouble almost as much as too little money4 ,a girl considering marriage with a man who has an irregular or uncertain income should face frankly the fact that the situation may become the source of bitter quarreling if the two aren't careful4 ,regularity of income and job security seem to be more important than the size of the income4 ,couples who save money are happier than those who don't1 other things being equal4 ,both girls and men selecting a future mate should be wary of people who are disorganized in their personal lives or are prone to carping4 ,those two types of people are most apt to inspire or provoke quarrels over money4 ,the main grievance of wives financially is that their husbands are too tight and the main complaints of husbands are that their wives are too extravagant or too chaotic in their budget-keeping4 ,husbands1 interestingly1 complain much more about the extravagance of their wives than wives complain about extravagance of husbands4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,alibi ,,artist4 ,beware of the excuse-maker4 ,alibi-making is not mentally healthy4 ,in fact it is one of the early signs of emotional confusion and mental deterioration4 ,if a man or girl sees in the other during courtship indications that excuse-making is an ingrained habit1 he would do well to break off the courtship and seek a mate elsewhere4 ,that may sound like a harsh way to deal with the purveyor of 8little white lies0 and excuses but it has been clearly established that such a person is a very bad marriage risk4 ,the individual usually excuses his own lack of accomplishment or ability by projecting the blame for his failures on other people4 ,bit by bit this projection becomes devastating4 ,continued excuse-making gradually brings the individual closer and closer to the gulf that divides the real from the imaginary1 the sane from the insane4 ,in its most pronounced form it is paranoia1 a type of insanity4 ,the alibi artist has little respect for the truth1 cannot be predicted1 evades his obligations and is generally not dependable4 ,the test designed to measure this tendency to alibi1 which psychologists call 8tendency to rationalize10 has already been discussed4 ,the victim rationalizes or excuses his own conduct4 ,the amazing thing is that this one test is an extremely accurate device to predict1 by itself1 marriage happiness or failure4 ,investigations have established that persons obtaining low scores in that one test have consistently proved to be unsatisfactory mates in marriage4 ,no husband ever gets conditioned to excuses for the lateness of meals1 the unmade beds1 the buttons that have not been sewn on4 ,he doesn't resent the inconveniences as much as he resents the wife's constant excuses for failure to show some improvement4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,escapist4 ,the escapist is a close relative of the alibier1 but somewhat more honest4 ,he finds himself unable to cope with his everyday problem of living in a modern world so he turns and flees from them4 ,this flight may be physical4 ,that is1 he may become a hermit or may go into the armed forces where he can shed all responsibilities for directing his own life4 ,but more often nowadays the flight is into a dream world1 via narcotics or alcohol4 ,heavy drinking is steadily becoming more serious4 ,many distillers are even urging moderation in their advertisements4 ,it is not merely on a moral basis that marriage counselors will warn you to shun the heavy drinker4 ,as a husband or wife he's a hard person to live with4 ,and marriage rarely cures dipsomania or any other mania4 ,so don't think you can cure a fianc or fiance who habitually tipples4 ,the causes of drunkenness are not too well known but one thing is sure3 the habitual use of alcohol is just a symptom of the person's basic maladjustment to life1 and not the cause of the maladjustment4 ,in alcohol he forgets his problems1 or imagines that he has found brilliant solutions for them4 ,the person who drinks excessively is always a psychological problem and an amateur cannot hope to be too successful in tackling it4 ,even a sanatorium cure brings only temporary relief unless the basic conflicts that impelled him to drink are resolved4 ,usually very careful counseling of the alcoholic is necessary to uncover his troubles and help him work out a solution for them4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,disorderly ,,mate4 ,to be successful in marriage or almost anything else in life1 a person must keep his affairs in a fair degree of order4 ,you should be wary if you find that a person you are considering for marriage is sloppy in his or her appearance or affairs4 ,if a girl's apartment looks like an unmade bed1 you can consider that a fairly accurate forecast of how she would manage your home4 ,or if a man is habitually late for dates or shows up without a tie or with unshined shoes1 you can be sure he would be even more sloppy and inconsiderate as a husband4 ,neatness1 of course1 can be overdone4 ,one wife we know objects to her husband sitting in certain chairs until he has changed his clothes4 ,another will not permit her husband to enter the living room--which she prizes--until he takes off his shoes1 unless there are guests4 ,some people are fastidious about the way they dress and yet are disorderly in organizing their lives4 ,others are the other way around4 ,but when disorderliness becomes general an intolerable strain is imposed on a marriage4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,mate ,,with ,,clinging ,,relatives4 ,statistically1 in-laws cause about as much marriage woe as drinking4 ,many a promising marriage has been marred by them4 ,in the past six months1 more than ten per cent of the troubled married couples consulting the ,penn ,state ,marriage ,counseling ,service had problems aggravated or initiated by their in-laws4 ,we read recently a letter from a young wife who bewailed the fact that her husband's mother insisted on going along with them on their honeymoon4 ,she had told her son she needed a vacation and would like to go with them4 ,without consulting the bride he agreed4 ,the bride lamented3 8,i spent far more time alone with my mother-in-law than ,i did with my bridegroom60 ,living with in-laws at any time creates a hazard for most couples and should be avoided if possible1 but it is particularly irritating during the first few months of marriage4 ,those months are crucial because of the adjustments the two people are making4 ,it is then that they get fully acquainted1 adapt their habits1 work out compromises4 ,any person contemplating marriage shows lack of foresight if he fails to consider the attachments his prospective mate may have to close relatives1 or if he fails to weigh the chances that these relatives will ever live with the couple1 and the outcome if they do4 ,one little-known aspect of this is that some in-laws in a couple's home cause more trouble than others4 ,the husband's mother1 for example1 is apt to produce more difficulties than the wife's mother because it is the wife who must spend the most time with the woman4 ,the husband's mother often becomes a rival of the wife for the husband's attentions and--as the husband's own mother--may become head of the household4 ,likewise a wife's father in the household presents more difficulties than the husband's father4 ,it is not necessarily fatal to live with in-laws4 ,in fact the hazards are relatively small if the man and wife are both grown up emotionally and very happily married4 ,if you do find yourself eventually living with an in-law in the home1 remember most of all to keep all financial arrangements clear-cut1 and abide by them even more scrupulously than you would if they involved total strangers4 ,further1 don't borrow money from them4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,flirt4 ,whether male or female1 the person with the roving1 aggressive eye is a poor prospect for marriage4 ,the flirt is a poor prospect because he is basically a shallow1 conceited1 inconsiderate person1 incapable of genuine love4 ,he will prove a difficult1 unsatisfying person to live with as a marriage partner1 because the wedding ceremony will not change his fundamental characteristics4 ,you will have trouble establishing a give-and-take relationship with him4 ,then1 when the glamour of the wedding wears off and the normal difficulties of marriage adjustment confront him1 he will find this humdrum and start recalling his premarital conquests4 ,soon he may be flirting again and you may find yourself with a triangle on your hands4 ,triangles are responsible directly or indirectly for at least a fourth of all divorces4 ,,are ,,you ,,too ,,jealous8 ,every person is a little jealous of his or her mate4 ,but there is a point where the jealousy becomes excessive--and dangerous4 ,whether real or imaginary1 the jealousy puts you in such a dark mood that anything you do may harm rather than improve the relationship4 #a4 ,do you feel this potential mate of yours neglects you8 ,yes ,no #b4 ,do you want and need considerable attention and praise8 ,yes ,no #c4 ,does he turn and look at other girls 7or does she seem to relish the attention of other men78 ,yes ,no #d4 ,do you ever try to 8get even80 ,yes ,no #e4 ,is your temper easily aroused8 ,yes ,no #f4 ,does it upset you to have somebody disagree with you in public8 ,yes ,no #g4 ,do you keep close tabs on him 7or her7 when both of you are at a party8 ,yes ,no #h4 ,do you feel envious of certain other persons of your own sex that you know8 ,yes ,no #i4 ,do you ever quarrel with this person after returning from a party8 ,yes ,no #aj4 ,has he1 or she1 learned not to praise other people of your own sex in front of you8 ,yes ,no #aa4 ,do you like to listen to gossip8 ,yes ,no #ab4 ,do you sometime feel alone when in a crowd8 ,yes ,no #ac4 ,do you want this person to wait on you a good deal8 ,yes ,no #ad4 ,do you think most people of the opposite sex will bear watching8 ,yes ,no #ae4 ,when this mate is late do you want an explanation8 ,yes ,no #af4 ,do you ever have it out with a person who says untrue things about you8 ,yes ,no #ag4 ,would you be considered a 8possessive0 person8 ,yes ,no #ah4 ,have you ever suspected that some friend's mate was misbehaving and have contrived to let the friend know about it8 ,yes ,no ,if you answered fourteen or more of these with yes you are a victim of extreme and unhealthy jealousy4 ,if however you answered less than four with yes you apparently don't even love the person4 ,chapter ,,xv ,people ,who ,should ,not ,marry at ,all ,every time the ,marriage ,counseling ,service at ,penn ,state has offered its course on the preparation for marriage1 the class has been asked to list the qualifications they think a person has to have before he should undertake marriage4 ,it was interesting to note that the girls in the class consistently voted for higher qualifications than the men4 ,we have averaged the responses of the many hundreds of students and present below those qualifications mentioned by at least fifty per cent of the students3 ,,percentage ,,qualifications ,,for ,,marriage ,,voting ,,for ,,them ,freedom from venereal disease #ajj ,freedom from feeble-mindedness #ii 7,if sterilized1 #bd would permit marriage7 ,freedom from insanity #ig ,freedom from criminality #id ,freedom from dipsomania #ia ,freedom from drug addiction #he ,freedom from neuroticism #gf ,proof by groom that he can support bride #fi 7,this includes evidence of occupational proficiency and at least #aej in savings7 ,record of no more than one divorce1 if any #ej ,other qualifications suggested but receiving less than forty-five per cent of the votes were freedom from tuberculosis1 cancer1 epilepsy and fatal heart disease1 freedom from sterility and from inherited physical defects4 ,about ninety-seven per cent of the students thought that both men and women should have premarital physical exams that would determine freedom from venereal disease4 ,we feel that there is a great deal of merit to the qualifications raised by the students4 ,with those as a starting point we have prepared nine questions which you should ask yourself--and be able to answer yes4 ,they are minimum qualifications for marriage4 ,we feel you should have serious doubts about the advisability of marrying another person if you answer no to even one of the questions4 ,here they are3 99 99 99 99 99 ,,is ,,your ,,mate ,,sane ,,and ,,from ,a ,,family ,,in ,,which ,,no ,,insanity ,,is ,,present8 ,except in pronounced forms1 psychoses are not easily diagnosed4 ,the borderline between sanity and insanity is no more distinct than is the line between black and white4 ,all shades of gray exist4 ,many paranoidal persons roam the streets of our country and in many cases are able to carry the responsibilities of normal life1 at least until they encounter continued frustration which will bring the insanity into an easily recognizable form4 ,insanity is not easily detected unless there is uncontrolled behavior or pronounced incompetence in obeying normal standards of behavior4 ,in a recent book issued through the ,national ,committee for ,mental ,hygiene there is a statement that one out of twenty-five persons reaching adulthood should be confined4 ,another four out of twenty-five are severely neurotic and another eight are handicapped by milder neurotic disturbances4 ,on the basis of these findings at least one person in four is severely maladjusted and at least one in two is maladjusted to some extent4 ,if you are concerned about the mental balance of any possible mate1 you might ask yourself these questions3 ,has he been confined at some time in a mental institution8 ,has he been rejected or released from military service because of outright mental disturbances8 ,does his family have a history of insanity8 ,is he free from syphilis8 ,has he ever suffered from severe injury damaging the brain8 ,do you know if he has shown extreme aberrations on any psychological tests to measure abnormalities of mental function8 ,has he failed to discharge the responsibilities of life in a legal1 competent1 conventional manner8 ,has he any record of uncontrollable rages resulting in injuries to others8 ,does his family physician question his sanity8 ,while it is possible that he might be sane though you answered yes to some of these questions1 the odds are against it4 ,you should keep in mind however that many boys discharged from this past war as neuropsychiatric cases are not insane and most of them will be able to settle down within a few months after their discharge and earn a livelihood and live a normal life4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,is ,,your ,,mate ,,law-,,abiding1 ,,does ,,he ,,have ,a ,,record ,,free ,,of ,,criminal ,,offenses ,,and ,,are ,,his ,,parents ,,likewise ,,law-,,abiding8 ,many employers1 including the federal and state governments1 hesitate to employ a person with a criminal record4 ,the habitual criminal is not easily cured4 ,certainly three or more convictions for criminal offenses should indicate a personality pattern adverse to marriage happiness4 ,in ,new ,york ,state1 four convictions for criminal offenses automatically result in life imprisonment4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,is ,,your ,,mate ,,in ,,fairly ,,good ,,physical ,,health ,,generally ,,and ,,free ,,from ,,venereal ,,disease8 ,most of the states have passed laws providing statutory protection against syphilis4 ,these states contain about three-fourths of the total population of the country4 ,it is interesting that about one person in a hundred taking premarriage blood tests is found infected with syphilis4 ,in these days of the miracle sulfa drugs and penicillin1 cures of venereal disease can be effected in a matter of weeks4 ,syphilis is a blighting disease which1 if uncured1 will wreck any marriage sooner or later4 ,anyone who is in chronic bad health due to other ailments adds a severe burden to any marriage4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,is ,,your ,,mate ,,free ,,from ,,using ,,drugs ,,such ,,as ,,morphine ,,or ,,heroin ,,or ,,marijuana8 ,addiction to the traditional drugs is not a serious problem in this country but a great many young people have been taking to marijuana for quick 8jags0 under the impression that such jags are not dangerous4 ,musicians particularly often use this drug4 ,but it is a dope just as surely as opium is1 its effect can be just as vicious1 and it is used only by persons who are unstable emotionally and thus poor marriage risks to start with4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,if ,,your ,,mate ,,drinks1 ,,is ,,he ,,temperate ,,in ,,the ,,use ,,of ,,alcoholic ,,beverages8 ,the dipsomaniac is an alcohol addict just as the opium smoker is a dope addict4 ,he is characterized by an uncontrollable craving for alcohol4 ,in some people alcohol produces a temporary feeling of well-being and elation1 sometimes called euphoria4 ,because it does1 people sometimes turn to drinking as an escape from their unsolved problems4 ,bit by bit the habit of drinking is built up4 ,the person who marries a mate who is an excessive or habitual drinker in the expectation of reforming him is due for a bitter awakening4 ,marriage rarely cures drinking or any other abnormal condition4 ,expert treatment is needed4 ,in skilled hands the drunkard is sometimes cured--if he really convinces himself that he wants to be cured4 ,but the cure is long and arduous and the proportion of relapses is still great4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,is ,,your ,,mate ,,intelligent ,,enough ,,to ,,earn ,a ,,living ,,and ,,discharge ,,the ,,responsibilities ,,of ,,life ,,competently8 ,there is no doubt that feeble-mindedness is inherited4 ,individual intelligence tests usually indicate that any person is feeble-minded who scores an ,,iq of seventy or less4 7,one hundred is average47 ,even when sterilization of a feeble-minded person is performed it still does not seem reasonable to permit that person to marry since he can rarely contribute to the success of a marriage and often cannot earn a living4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,is ,,your ,,mate ,,fairly ,,stable1 ,,well-,,adjusted ,,and ,,able ,,to ,,get ,,along ,,with ,,people8 ,there are many shades of nervous disorders ranging from neurosis through psychoneurosis4 ,the neurotic has a minor nervous disorder4 ,the psychoneurotic has some ailment--without organic basis--which may involve hysteria1 a paralysis or cramps4 ,many so-called miracle cures take place with persons who actually have no physical disabilities but have the disability in their mind4 ,in ,july #aide such a 8miracle0 cure occurred at a military canteen4 ,a #bj-year-old soldier was walking painfully around on crutches4 ,one of the junior hostesses asked him half-seriously if he would like to dance4 ,he stated that he would but that he couldn't even walk4 ,she replied that she was a big strong girl who could hold him up4 ,the soldier laughed1 pushed his crutches under the table1 stood up shakily1 clung to a chair1 then to the hostess4 ,getting started was difficult and he stumbled a time or two4 ,slowly they began to dance4 ,amazingly the soldier began having less and less trouble with his legs4 ,they danced all through the evening and when the soldier left to take her home he was walking perfectly and left his crutches as a memento of his cure4 ,as a result of a shrapnel wound he had become convinced he would never walk again4 ,under the stimulation of music1 and the eagerness of a young girl to dance1 the soldier forgot his crutches4 ,so it goes with psychoneurotics4 ,they are convinced that their neck is paralyzed1 that they cannot hear or cannot see4 ,many such cases show immediate improvement once the war is over and the frustrations and fears of war lift from them4 ,but others retain their bodily symptoms of psychological disturbance throughout their lives4 ,in this postwar world1 marriageable girls will have to be concerned about the mental disturbances of some ex-service males4 ,they should be sensible about these defects and realize they are merely a product of war-imposed frustrations4 ,but they should be sure that they recognize the defects and are prepared to live with them4 ,about twenty per cent of all war casualties returned to this country have been mental cases1 and the fighting was so grueling in some theaters of war1 such as the ,solomons1 that the percentages of psychological casualties have been known to rise at times to as high as forty per cent of all casualties4 ,a neurotic or psychoneurotic needs skillful treatment from a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist4 ,a girl should hesitate to marry such a person at least until a medical authority has pronounced that he is competent to make the adjustments that a marriage entails and to fill the role of a mate successfully4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,is ,,your ,,mate ,a ,,person ,,who ,,has ,,not ,,been ,,divorced ,,from ,,two ,,previous ,,marriages8 ,even a person with one divorce to his credit is a hazard when he remarries4 ,a person with two divorces should definitely be shunned1 if you hope to achieve a lasting and happy marriage4 ,divorce is not inherited1 but it does run in families4 ,it is known that persons whose own parents are divorced are much more likely to seek divorce than those whose parents were not divorced4 ,divorce is marriage bankruptcy1 and any person who has failed twice in marriage is unlikely to succeed in a third4 ,a person with a record of two divorces should have his right to marry anyone seriously questioned4 ,a bank would certainly hesitate to lend a man money who had failed to pay a previous loan1 and certainly would refuse a loan to a person who had gone bankrupt twice before4 ,the couple that marries in haste frequently divorces in haste4 ,thus one reason for many of our wartime divorces4 ,likewise the couple that takes plenty of time before marriage rarely has to seek a divorce1 especially if that marriage results in children4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,will ,,you ,,and ,,your ,,mate ,,be ,,able ,,to ,,support ,,yourselves8 ,this presumably will mean that before undertaking marriage one of the mates--preferably the man--should demonstrate through a work record that he is capable of earning a living4 ,under normal circumstances1 about one wife in six or seven works to supplement the earnings of her husband4 ,it is probable that not less than one wife in fifty is the sole support of the family4 ,the best way to demonstrate ability to earn a living is for one of the mates 7again preferably the man7 to demonstrate occupational proficiency by at least one year of gainful employment4 ,it is also important that no couple should marry without a cash reserve after the costs of the wedding4 ,sickness1 possible pregnancy1 the furnishing of an apartment and other factors make some emergency fund advisable4 ,the ,penn ,state students thought this saving should amount at least to ten per cent of the estimated expenses for the first year4 ,in making sure you are both physically fit for a happy marriage we recommend that you submit to a premarital physical examination4 ,in fact some couples like to have two premarital exams1 one just before they become formally engaged1 and the second just before they marry4 ,it seems to us that if physical factors are found which might seem undesirable to either member of the couple1 or to their families1 it would be best that such conditions be discovered before the formal engagement1 to avoid embarrassment4 ,the second exam would be token just before the marriage because the laws of many states require that the physical exam be taken within thirty days of the marriage date4 ,whether you plan one or two exams1 there should be one thorough one1 far more comprehensive than that required by law4 ,the typical physician1 in order to keep the exam reasonable in price1 usually examines only far enough to find if the couple meet the legal requirements1 which are primarily concerned with freedom from venereal disease4 ,here are some things that a comprehensive exam should cover3 #a4 ,physical defects that may be crippling or later impair the ability of the individual to earn a living or make a home4 #b4 ,the hereditary history of each family should be checked for the possibility of insanity or feeble-mindedness or other inherited defects that might be transmitted to offspring even though not too apparent in the person being examined4 #c4 ,because most couples will want children1 the reproductive apparatus should be examined to see if reproduction is possible and that the individual is free from defects that would make conception impossible or childbirth hazardous4 7,this would mean pelvic measurements for the female47 ,the possibility of sterility or impotence should be checked and any physical factor that might impair or prevent normal sexual relations should be treated4 #d4 ,there should be an investigation of the integrity and normal functioning of the heart1 respiratory apparatus and the central nervous system4 #e4 ,freedom from venereal disease1 both gonorrhea and syphilis1 should be ascertained4 ,the physical exam gives the physician an unusually good opportunity to allay any fears regarding sexual adjustment that either person may have4 ,at the examination just prior to the wedding1 the physician can give the girl instructions in the role of the female in physical intimacy4 ,there should be an explanation of orgasm1 and if desired1 there can be instructions about birth spacing4 ,even though some factors may be adverse that does not mean you should refrain from marrying4 ,it simply means that both of you go into marriage with your eyes open4 ,furthermore1 most physical defects can be corrected1 often even sterility4 ,much of the impotence among young men is caused by psychological rather than physical factors4 ,,is ,,the ,,mate ,a ,,neurotic8 ,and while you are at it you might ask yourself whether you are too4 ,answer yes or no4 #a4 ,is he or she easily fatigued8 #b4 ,does he or she have many headaches8 #c4 ,does the mate often feel blue8 #d4 ,does he feel unhappy much of the time8 #e4 ,does he frequently seem to feel lonely8 #f4 ,does he often complain that he feels nervous and shaky inside8 #g4 ,does he often seem to feel miserable8 #h4 ,does he seem to find it hard to trust people8 #i4 ,does it bother him to talk to strangers8 #aj4 ,are his feelings easily hurt8 #aa4 ,does he often have the feeling that the whole world is against him8 #ab4 ,is it apparently difficult for him to keep his mind on what he is doing8 #ac4 ,is he troubled frequently with indigestion or heartburn8 #ad4 ,does he say that he sometimes gets so discouraged he feels like giving up8 #ae4 ,does he often feel weak or as though he were going to faint8 #af4 ,does he often have pains in his hip or back8 #ag4 ,does he think that people talk about him behind his back8 #ah4 ,does he think he has had a great deal of hard luck in his life8 #ai4 ,does he say that people frequently play mean tricks on him8 #bj4 ,does he worry about many things8 #ba4 ,does he have trouble getting along with people8 #bb4 ,does he complain of being frequently troubled with long periods of insomnia or restless sleep8 #bc4 ,does he often appear listless1 indifferent or uninterested in life around him8 #bd4 ,is he suspicious of some of his acquaintances or friends8 #be4 ,are his habits of eating or sleeping irregular and peculiar8 ,an affirmative answer to any one of these questions does not mean the person is a neurotic by any means4 ,but a pattern of neuroticism is apparently present in the person if he answered ten or more with yes4 ,he appears to be maladjusted to life4 ,ideally every question should be answered no4 ,if you feel you don't know the person well enough to answer some of the questions1 score only those you are sure of4 ,then1 if two out of five of your answers are yes1 it would appear that the person may be maladjusted4 ,and incidentally1 how did you make out yourself8 ,chapter ,,xvi ,will a ,job ,undermine the ,marriage8 ,the ,only thought couples usually give to their respective careers at the time they decide to marry is whether there will be enough income to support them4 ,actually1 the type of work the groom does may produce irritations that may ruin the union4 ,or if the bride wants to continue her career after marriage1 that may cause trouble if not handled carefully4 ,let's take the problem of the bride first4 ,should she continue her career or devote all her energy to managing a home8 ,there is1 of course1 no final answer4 ,we know of many married couples who have worked out excellent relationships while the wife continues her career4 ,but we also know that such an arrangement is not normal and that it often produces difficulties because of psychological factors4 ,it is apt to be a blow to the husband's sense of mastery of his own home if the bride decides that he can't support her properly on his salary4 ,it deprives the wife of the opportunity to win the husband's affection and appreciation for her homemaking skill4 ,believe it or not1 one very important appeal of marriage to a man is to have his favorite dishes home-cooked and waiting for him when he comes home from work4 ,if the wife has a career1 the couple usually ends up eating out or eating warmed-up delicatessen specials4 ,finally a career makes it difficult for a wife to bear and rear children1 and children are another of the big values of marriage that hold couples together4 ,homemaking is a definite career1 and if there are children1 a full-time career4 ,there is far more to making a home than the housekeeping end of it4 ,a homemaker is a physician when the husband or child is sick2 she is an interior decorator2 she must be a good cook and dietitian2 she must be an expert on clothing repair2 she must be a good teacher and an expert on the psychology of handling children2 she must often be a judge in settling arguments2 she must be an expert purchasing agent because she will spend at least eighty per cent of the family's income2 she must be some sort of bookkeeper if she keeps the budget and pays the bills2 she must be a repair man who can replace a fuse1 repair an electric light cord1 put oil on a squeaking hinge4 ,if the average husband gave as mediocre a performance on his job as many wives do as homemakers he would be fired4 ,unquestionably one of the reasons why divorce is on the increase is that careers and other diversions prevent wives from giving as much attention and care to the art of homemaking as they once did4 ,why do married women work8 ,here are the main reasons3 --,pure necessity4 --,to enable themselves to have more luxurious and extra comforts than the husband's income alone could afford4 --,because marriage is not too satisfying to them and they are bored4 --,because they do not want children4 --,because they want to be independent financially4 --,because they would rather hire somebody to do the housework than to do it themselves4 --,because they want an independent career4 ,virtually all studies made show that the happiest married women are those who do not work after marriage4 ,in the study by ,dr4 ,g4 ,v4 ,hamilton1 ,a ,research in ,marriage1 only forty-five per cent of the women working after marriage had a 8satisfactory0 to 8very satisfactory0 marriage compared to some fifty-five per cent of the women not working after marriage who were happy in marriage4 ,once a wife starts working1 she may resolve to stop at the end of a specific period1 but by the time the deadline arrives she usually finds a reason why she should continue a little longer4 ,frequently she and her husband have bought things like an automobile that prevent them from attaining enough stability financially to permit her to stop working4 ,she continues to work1 thereby putting off having children and perhaps never has them4 ,but now let's take up the greater--and less understood--dangers involved in the types of work the groom does4 ,many wives today think they are dissatisfied with their husbands when actually they are dissatisfied with his working habits or his job4 ,for example1 some jobs carry more social prestige than others4 ,here are some twenty-four occupations rated by college students 7#aidj7 on their prestige1 with those with the highest prestige at the top and those with the least prestige at the bottom3 #a4 ,physician #ac4 ,farmer 7owner7 #b4 ,clergyman #ad4 ,insurance agent #c4 ,lawyer #ae4 ,salesman #d4 ,college professor #af4 ,bookkeeper #e4 ,manufacturer #ag4 ,machinist #f4 ,banker #ah4 ,carpenter #g4 ,artist or author #ai4 ,barber #h4 ,man of leisure #bj4 ,factory operative #i4 ,engineer 7college trained7 #ba4 ,blacksmith #aj4 ,factory superintendent #bb4 ,soldier #aa4 ,school teacher #bc4 ,truck driver #ab4 ,storekeeper #bd4 ,ditch digger ,richard ,o4 ,lang1 as a graduate student at the ,university of ,chicago1 made a study of marriage happiness based upon ratings made by acquaintances of more than seventeen thousand married couples4 ,on the basis of his findings here is how fifty different occupations rated on the descending scale of marital happiness4 ,the happiest are at the top and the least happy are at the bottom4 ,here is the approximate order3 #a4 ,chemical engineers #bf4 ,factory foremen #b4 ,ministers #bg4 ,garage owners #c4 ,college professors #bh4 ,mail clerks #d4 ,teachers #bi4 ,insurance salesmen #e4 ,engineers #cj4 ,brokers #f4 ,wholesale salesmen #ca4 ,electricians #g4 ,chemists #cb4 ,druggists #h4 ,accountants #cc4 ,clerks #i4 ,civil engineers #cd4 ,salesmen1 auto1 etc4 #aj4 ,office workers #ce4 ,railroad office workers #aa4 ,physicians #cf4 ,railroad workers #ab4 ,bankers #cg4 ,farmers #ac4 ,newspaper workers #ch4 ,bond salesmen #ad4 ,government workers #ci4 ,skilled workers #ae4 ,coperative officials #dj4 ,barbers #af4 ,architects #da4 ,gas station employees #ag4 ,large business owners #db4 ,truck drivers #ah4 ,lawyers #dc4 ,musicians #ai4 ,store salesmen #dd4 ,real estate salesmen #bj4 ,contractors #de4 ,plumbers #ba4 ,printers #df4 ,auto mechanics #bb4 ,bookkeepers #dg4 ,carpenters #bc4 ,dentists #dh4 ,general mechanics #bd4 ,bank employees #di4 ,traveling salesmen #be4 ,small store owners #ej4 ,laborers ,one interesting statistic is that while eighty per cent of the clergy had happy or very happy marriages 7as assessed by their friends7 only forty per cent of salesmen had marriages at least as happy or very happy1 again as assessed by friends4 ,only eleven per cent of the clergy seemed to be really unhappy in marriage while thirty-six of the salesmen were4 ,obviously education is not the determining factor in an occupation's happiness quota because physicians1 lawyers and dentists1 who require more schooling than almost any other group1 are definitely less happy in marriage than engineers1 teachers and ministers4 ,musicians rate very low1 coming between truck drivers and real estate salesmen1 apparently because of the mobility and impermanence of their jobs4 ,there are seven types of work that seem to be the major vocational troublemakers4 ,they don't need to produce trouble4 ,in fact if both the man and wife are aware of the potential dangers involved and act accordingly trouble rarely occurs4 ,but if they don't possess such awareness1 they may find it increasingly difficult to find happiness through marriage4 ,both will be resentful without knowing why4 ,we don't advise girls to avoid marrying men in these types of work4 ,that would be ridiculous4 ,but we do suggest that they take the job into consideration4 ,then1 if they go ahead and marry the man1 they will do it with their eyes wide open and with a plan to remove the danger by normalizing their married life as much as possible despite the job4 ,with that thought in mind let's take up the seven big troublemakers4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,man ,,who ,,travels ,a ,,lot4 ,this includes not only the traveling salesman1 whose reputation for waywardness has a great deal of basis in fact1 but also traveling entertainers1 truck drivers1 professional soldiers1 casual laborers1 railroad workers1 air pilots4 ,there are also multitudes of others whose work requires stopovers or prolonged stays away from home4 ,it is the mobility of the job rather than the fact that unreliable characters work in them that produces the trouble4 ,lonesome and dissatisfied1 the mobile person seeks substitutes which create strife at home when they are learned of1 and feelings of guilt with the man even when they aren't4 ,such a mobile person is more likely to come in contact with other women who may seem very attractive to him since he is denied the companionship and daily affection of his family4 ,there seems to be absolutely no doubt that those occupations which are somewhat fixed1 that is1 which require little or no traveling1 provide happier marriages1 other things being equal4 ,wives can counteract the danger by frequently arranging to accompany the husbands on trips they may make4 ,even though the wife may have children1 there are many trips on which she can accompany her husband4 ,in most cases the husband1 far from resenting her presence1 welcomes it because he does get lonely and bored traveling in strange towns4 ,even though the wife is busy she should take time out to accompany her husband over his entire territory so that she sees some of the problems he faces and meets some of the people he has to work with4 ,in doing this she serves two purposes3 she is better able to talk to her husband intelligently about his work if she knows the operation and the people involved4 ,this will encourage him to unburden his occupational problems to her rather than think she is just a dumb housewife and take them elsewhere or brood over them4 ,the second purpose is that by letting his associates on the route see her she makes them more aware of the fact that he is a happily married man and they will thus be less likely to put temptations in his way4 ,in taking normalizing actions such as these1 a girl can more safely choose a mate whose work keeps him mobile and with less fear that the marriage will be hazardous4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,man ,,nobody ,,knows4 ,if the groom earns his income outside the community where you will live and is seen very little there1 he will feel less desire for social approval of his conduct4 ,to put it in sociological terms1 he will not be under close 8community scrutiny40 ,thus he is more susceptible to the temptation of heavy drinking1 gambling1 or other women than the man whose job does come under community scrutiny4 ,examples of the latter are teachers1 ministers1 storekeepers1 and town officials4 ,these men all come into a great deal of daily contact with the members of the community and thus are more concerned about 8keeping up appearances40 ,other things being equal1 the greater the degree of social control exerted1 the greater the happiness of the marriage4 ,if a girl does marry a man who doesn't come under this scrutiny1 she can to some extent bring him under it by being seen with her husband at many public places1 encouraging him to join with her in participating in many community activities1 by introducing her husband to many different people and letting them know the kind of work he does4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,man ,,who ,,works ,,at ,,abnormal ,,hours4 ,during the war we came to hear a lot about the swing shifters4 ,but in war or peace there are millions of men who keep unusual hours--policemen1 newspapermen working on morning newspapers1 bartenders1 night watchmen1 etc4 ,they can make it difficult for a wife1 particularly if she is a mother1 to adapt her daily routine of living to the shifting hours of work4 ,this is destructive to happiness because husband and wife have too little opportunity to be with each other4 ,furthermore not many men can change their hours of sleep from week to week without becoming irritable4 ,if he has children he is denied the normal opportunities to play with them4 ,all the evidence we have indicates that occupations which require working late are not as likely to be associated with marital happiness as those occupations which permit working during the daylight hours4 ,in one case a couple married seven years were on the verge of divorce within four months after the husband took a night job4 ,he had become lonely because he missed all his normal associations and finally had fallen in love with a waitress at an all-night lunchroom where he ate4 ,happily the wife kept her senses and instead of agreeing to the divorce merely asked for a postponement of the decision for a few months4 ,meanwhile she got busy and made a greater effort to make home a more appealing place to him4 ,she rearranged the schedule of the children so they could be with their father an hour every day1 she began paying more attention to her own grooming and arranged her own schedule so that she could sleep at the same time her husband did two days a week4 ,soon the husband lost interest in the other woman4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,man ,,whose ,,income ,,is ,,irregular4 ,this includes all salesmen working on commission1 free-lance writers1 small business owners1 seasonal workers1 lawyers1 physicians1 brokers1 plumbers1 architects1 etc4 ,one fact that has been noticed repeatedly in marriage studies is that regularity of income has a considerable influence upon marriage happiness4 ,apparently couples having regular incomes are better able to plan their expenditures and savings1 to be neither flush at one time nor impoverished at another1 and are better able to work out long-term financial plans4 ,at any rate there seems to be a good deal less bickering where the income is regular4 ,to live happily with a man with a fluctuating income the mates need to show the wisdom of the ,biblical ,joseph1 by saving during fat months for lean months1 and by keeping an unusually rigorous eye on the accounts4 ,if they can save up a real backlog1 and can take a philosophical attitude toward the whimsies of his income1 they should have no more trouble than the average couple4 ,the savings will provide a psychological cushion as well as a real one4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,man ,,whose ,,work ,,is ,,dirty ,,or ,,nerve-,,racking4 ,we know a farmer who says his wife is so annoyed by his dirty clothes that she won't touch them and won't let him inside her house until he puts on dress shoes4 ,such wives should remember that dirt is an honorable mark of a farmer's1 a mechanic's1 or a coal miner's occupation4 ,and perhaps if approached good-naturedly1 he can be persuaded to change to clean clothes before leaving the site of his work4 ,other husbands have jobs whose work is noisy1 tense1 or exacting4 ,this includes steeplejacks1 tunnel builders1 foundry workers1 pilots1 etc4 ,the jobs leave the husband emotionally exhausted and highly irritable4 ,the wife of such a man will find herself involved in repeated quarreling and sniping unless she realizes the husband's state of mind when he comes home and sees to it that he has a warm bath and an hour of rest and relaxation before she disturbs him or approaches him with any family problems4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,man ,,who ,,feels ,,insecure ,,in ,,his ,,job4 ,job security1 like regularity of income1 is an important factor in marriage happiness4 ,a number of studies have shown that the most contented and satisfied men are those who feel secure in their job4 ,the assurance of permanence enables the man to be serene4 ,when a man feels insecure in his job he is more likely to change jobs frequently1 hoping to improve his tenure4 ,this constant changing of not only jobs but the accompanying new neighborhoods and school systems for the family produce frayed nerves and many annoying problems4 ,loss of work1 even though it is temporary1 brings worry over where the next meal is coming from1 brings in the possibility of public relief1 lowers the man's self-respect and may decrease his wife's confidence in him as a worth-while husband and provider4 ,undoubtedly one of the reasons for the rise of the divorce rate after the great depression was the tension engendered by threat of unemployment which placed great strains upon family living4 ,if a girl marries a man in such a status she should be prepared to help her husband by not being critical of his work and by not throwing it up to him that he is unable to get a permanent job4 ,she can even encourage1 and sympathetically help him get some specialized training that may prepare him for a better job which offers greater security4 ,perhaps he can do it at night or by correspondence courses4 ,far more men than do would seek to improve their vocational skills if their wives would encourage and inspire them to become more competent4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,man ,,who ,,is ,,not ,,proud ,,of ,,his ,,job4 ,social prestige of an occupation is an intangible factor that nevertheless has a great deal to do with marital happiness4 ,a man is more likely to work out a happy marriage when he is engaged in work that is approved and respected by the community4 ,if the man is a gravedigger or bill collector or dogcatcher the wife1 and particularly the children1 may be sensitive about the lack of prestige involved4 ,if such a marriage is to succeed1 the wife must realize that her man is performing an essential function in the community4 ,further1 she should realize that if such a family seems to live happily together1 if they are active in church and community affairs and lead respected lives1 they will be accepted for what they are and not for what the man's occupation happens to be4 ,one of the happiest1 most respected men we know is the garbage collector in a ,new ,england town4 ,we repeat1 the seven types of men we have just discussed are not necessarily to be shunned as mates4 ,but girls marrying them should realize the problems that may be involved4 ,chapter ,,xvii ,the ,veteran as a ,mate ,most of the marriages from now until #aiee will involve veterans of ,world ,war ,,ii4 ,it is probable that at least eight million veterans will marry by then4 ,during these years our marriage rate is expected to be the highest in our history4 ,for this reason1 if for no other1 it is pointless to make any special problem of the veteran1 as so many people are trying to do4 ,it is true that war changes men1 but it also changes the girls who stayed at home--and for that matter the men who happened to stay at home4 ,there is no need to discuss the question1 8,should a girl marry a veteran80 because most girls will marry veterans anyhow1 and there is no reason why they should hesitate4 ,but what we will do now is point out some of the changes that occurred while the man was away so that the veteran and the girl can understand each other better4 ,in many ways the veteran is a better prospective mate than when he went away4 ,he may have acquired some good habits in the ,army3 getting up on time1 taking care of personal belongings1 orderliness4 ,his horizon may have broadened and he may have learned to be more tolerant4 ,he probably has matured beyond his chronological age4 ,he has learned a great deal about loyalty to a cause1 perseverance and patience1 all of which will help make him a better mate4 ,often he has achieved a needed emotional independence from home and mother4 ,he has become practical and very realistic4 ,most important of all1 perhaps1 he learned while away to appreciate the value of marriage and the home4 ,he yearns more than anything to settle down in some quiet place with a nice girl and raise a family4 ,he has had enough running around and being at loose ends4 ,the veteran1 of course1 has lost and gained certain skills1 he may seem crude and he may appear to have lower ideals and standards4 ,he worries a great deal about the future1 is somewhat unsure of himself in some civilian situations4 ,ernie ,pyle the late1 famed war correspondent pointed out some of these changes when he wrote3 ,our men can't make the change from normal civilians into warriors and remain the same people4 ,even if they were away from you under normal circumstances 444 they would not come home just as you knew them4444 ,they are bound to be different people from those you sent away4444 ,they are rougher4444 ,killing is a rough business4444 ,language has changed from mere profanity to obscenity4444 ,they miss women4444 ,they expressed longings4444 ,their whole conduct show their need for female companionship4444 ,money value means nothing to them4444 ,a man learns to get what he needs by 8requisitioning40 ,it isn't stealing1 it's the only way to acquire certain things4444 ,war puts old virtues in a changed light4 ,we shall have to relearn a simple fundamental or two when things get back to normal4 ,the standards of fighting men are those of men living without women1 of men who have lost many of the moral values of our normal living4 ,if they hadn't lost them they wouldn't have been good killers4 ,some of them have feelings of guilt and remorse from cheap women they have known4 ,others are shy and withdrawn because they have had long periods of isolation away from women4 ,as a result of the war many veterans have open or subconscious conflicts involving weakened morals1 shattered values1 duties to others1 8debt0 the government owes them1 opportunities they have missed1 war injuries or handicaps they incurred4 ,they are bothered about whether to return to school 444 whether to go back to the 8old0 sweetheart 444 whether to remain in the ,army4 ,some have feelings of inferiority as they try to make their way into a strange world or return to an almost forgotten world4 ,in the ,army or ,navy they learned to let others take the responsibilities and the initiative4 ,they made fun of the 8eager beavers0 and learned to regard 8goldbricking0 7evading hard work7 as a virtue4 ,but in civilian life1 ambition and hard work are two of the great virtues4 ,in addition to all these issues to worry them1 they face the job of deciding what to do4 ,in one survey of soldiers1 about seven per cent said they would return to school on a full-time schedule with or without government aid4 ,another twenty-eight per cent said they would go back to school if government aid was provided4 ,that makes thirty-five per cent who hope to go to school4 7,but many of them probably won't47 ,most of these hoping to return were under twenty-five4 ,about half of all the men hoped to return to their old job or to a new job in their same community4 ,the average veteran has four alternatives of action3 ,he can go back to school2 he can go back to his old or a similar job2 he can go into a job for the first time2 he can select a new field of work4 ,most of them want a vacation1 a wife1 and a job1 though not necessarily in that order4 ,some of the men will have feelings of insecurity4 ,some of them have never worked before4 ,they are asking themselves3 ,can ,i get a job8 ,will my old job be waiting for me8 7,this particularly disturbs men who are being released relatively late47 ,is my girl going to marry me8 ,was she loyal to me while ,i was gone8 ,if you are a girl considering the possibility of marrying a veteran1 here are thoughts you might keep in mind4 --,you must assume he is a normal person and treat him like one4 ,even if he doesn't seem to be he should make the adjustment to civilian life within a few months4 --,don't confess any 8misdeeds0 of your own--they will only upset him and add nothing either to the present adjustment or future happiness4 --,talk out your problem1 your futures1 carefully and in detail4 ,this will help both of you be sure of the responsibilities you face in marriage and will cause both of you to plan systematically and not haphazardly about the future4 --,if you agree to marry1 go ahead and be married in church with a conventional ceremony with all the trimmings4 ,unless he is terribly opposed1 don't be contented with less than a church or home wedding with the friends and families of both present4 ,studies have shown that marriages that took place within the sanctity of the church tend to be happier than those that do not4 --,in dealing with him during the first few weeks don't tell him what to do or where to go4 ,make him feel relaxed1 encourage him to wait on you1 make him feel useful4 ,if you are a returning veteran you should accept the fact that you are going to find your girls different from when you left4 ,and it won't be all aging4 ,they have been working in greater numbers than ever before and on the surface are more independent4 ,in spite of this1 remember that girls want to be treated gently and considerately4 ,they still love soft lights and sweet music1 they want to hear your compliments1 they want that tender good-night kiss if they like you1 and that romantic conversational interplay4 ,you must not forget that you have been away a long time4 ,you may find your feminine psychology rusty4 ,girls are still soft and sentimental1 still wanting to be made love to1 still wanting to marry and make homes and have your children4 ,don't let the inhumanity of war make you cynical4 ,such an attitude would keep you from finding the mate with whom you can be happy4 ,will you pick your mate or will she pick you8 ,because of the surplus of women over men now you can do the picking4 ,you don't have as much ground for wondering whether you will marry as the girls do4 ,but will you pick your own mate8 ,probably not4 ,it has been said3 8,a man rushes after a woman until she catches him40 ,actually1 picking a mate nowadays is a mutual process2 both of you pick each other4 ,it is a complicated process and probably neither of you knows quite what is going on4 ,part of the time one of you may be more aware of what is going on than the other2 part of the time neither of you is sure4 ,what kind of a mate should you look for8 ,these things have been covered in detail in previous chapters4 ,however here are a few thoughts that take on particular pertinence when applied to veterans4 ,ask yourself3 ,will she make me a good wife8 ,can she cook1 sew1 run a home8 ,is she the sort of girl ,i would like to have as a mother of my children8 ,will she wear well8 ,don't pick her just because she is glamorous because glamour and good looks are largely cosmetic processes anyway4 ,is she selfish or is she considerate of me and my well-being8 ,what are her good traits8 ,what are her poor traits8 ,don't marry a girl who has traits that are opposite of your own unless she is opposite only in good traits which you lack4 ,for example1 if your own parents were unhappily married1 pick a girl whose parents were happily married4 ,if you feel unsure of yourself1 pick a reliant1 confident girl4 ,if you are quite irritable1 be sure to get a mate who is definitely tranquil4 ,what about the men who have been physically or mentally hurt by the war8 ,should a girl shun a man who has a war injury8 ,in ,world ,war ,,ii1 which lasted some forty-four months1 casualties of one sort or another exceeded one million men1 with nearly three hundred thousand lives lost and with fifteen thousand veterans losing an arm or leg or more members of his body4 ,to learn how girls would feel toward marrying injured men1 the senior author asked five hundred girls whether they would marry veterans with any of thirty-three different types of war injuries4 ,the injuries included such things as loss of speech1 loss of two eyes1 complete deafness1 recurrent malaria1 loss of hair and eyebrows due to burns1 several fingers missing1 injuries to head including replaced nose1 ear1 teeth and jaw4 ,many of the girls queried were engaged to servicemen4 ,it was interesting to note that older girls showed a greater willingness to marry injured men than the younger girls4 ,this may be due to the fact that the older girls are more concerned about their chances of marrying4 ,also1 engaged girls showed a greater willingness than unengaged girls4 ,the reason for this may be that engaged girls know the capabilities of their fiancs and can see how their men could be successful at a job and marriage in spite of an injury4 ,of the thirty-three injuries1 only four were checked by the majority of engaged girls as serious enough to impel them to withdraw from their engagements4 ,those four1 in order were3 ,impotence ,loss of both arms in such a way that they can't be replaced with artificial arms ,mental unbalance requiring institutional confinement for several months or longer ,loss of both legs so that they are not replaceable4 ,while1 as you notice1 these fiances felt extremely reluctant to marry a man who had lost his sexual potency1 only a small proportion 7#af7 would refuse to marry an ex-soldier who had become sterile4 ,inasmuch as most of the engaged girls would not marry a man who had become sexually impotent it is clearly evident that sexual activity is regarded in a far different light than having children4 ,most of the girls would marry if they could have sex even though there were no possibility of conceiving children4 ,when the unengaged girls were queried1 eight injuries were listed by the majority1 including the four mentioned by the engaged girls4 ,the additional four were3 ,loss of speech ,loss of one leg and one arm1 when neither is replaceable ,general permanent bad health ,mental instability that requires no institutionalizing4 ,it was interesting to note that neither group showed a majority opposing blindness4 ,also1 note that these girls listed loss of limbs only where they were not replaceable4 ,most girls professed willingness to marry men if their lost limbs could be replaced by artificial ones4 ,all of the girls seem to have been deeply impressed by the progress made in rehabilitating the injured4 ,many had seen the amazing results with their own eyes and so had lost their fears about marrying men with such injuries4 ,probably seventy-five thousand returning veterans may have hearing impairments4 ,but with hearing aids or lip-reading1 most of these men can be fairly normal within a few months4 ,even though a girl hesitates about marrying an impotent man1 much of impotence is psychologically caused and if so is curable4 ,furthermore the newer sex hormones science has discovered are wonder workers4 ,here are a couple of precautions that should be observed in marriages involving injured men3 --,no girl should marry a veteran because of pity4 ,it should be for love4 --,no veteran should hesitate to marry just because he has a defect1 providing the two love each other1 one of them 7preferably he7 can make a living1 and providing they have discussed the handicap and both understand its nature and limitations4 --,they should give themselves a waiting period1 just as any other two people who have been separated should do1 for say six months before marrying4 --,remember that few people are one hundred per cent perfect physically4 ,under usual conditions1 eighteen per cent of our working population has a definite physical defect or chronic disease4 ,of our war handicapped1 it is believed that some eighty per cent can be placed1 by careful selection of jobs1 in work where they can be happy and just as productive in that particular job as they would be without the handicap4 ,another twelve or thirteen per cent will need rehabilitation before such placement can be made4 ,another five per cent will need extensive rehabilitation and even then will have to be placed in 8sheltered0 work4 ,what about the psychological casualties of war8 ,here we do have a real problem4 ,before the end of the war a third of the ,army's discharges were psychoneurotic cases of one form or another4 ,but you should also remember that about one-sixth of the men rejected by the draft1 the #d-;,f's1 were rejected for neuropsychiatric reasons4 ,the fact is that close to one-fourth of all the single men in this country are maladjusted to some extent4 ,this helps explain the terrific rise in the rate of divorce4 ,psychoneurosis is a broad term covering 8combat fatigue10 8war nerves10 ulcers and other psychosomatic disturbances4 ,in ,world ,war ,i it was misleadingly referred to as 8shell shock40 ,don't feel there is something lacking in a veteran who suffered a psychological breakdown because the facts show that unskilled 8bad eggs0 are less likely to break down than the men who had good records in clerical or skilled jobs in civilian life and were exemplary in their military conduct4 ,some of the factors producing breakdown in war service were long-continued tension1 repeated expectancy of injury or death1 terrifying experiences1 loss of comrades in war from battle1 excessive physical fatigue1 insufficient sleep4 ,perhaps it would help you to understand the psychoneurotic if we explained just how these breakdowns occur4 ,try to bear in mind that all of us have a breaking point1 which varies from person to person4 ,this breaking point is a 8frustration climax0 and is reached whenever the person has so many frustrations piled on him that he can no longer endure them4 ,the ability to take it is frustration tolerance4 ,any one of us can break if the frustrations are intense enough and long continued4 ,so when the soldier breaks1 it simply means that his frustrations have been more than he can bear4 ,it is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be hidden4 ,in a war the soldier is constantly exposed to the threat of death1 and never seeing his loved ones again4 ,but in civilian life1 death does not constantly threaten him and normally he is not so beset by frustrations4 ,immediately after the #aiah ,armistice was signed1 thousands of soldiers who seemed to be neurotic1 shellshocked1 etc41 recovered very quickly4 ,why8 ,because their lives were no longer threatened1 they could return home and were relieved from the noise of battle and the emotional upheavals of seeing comrades shot down4 ,what does all this tell you8 ,simply this4 ,when such a veteran comes home he may seem strange and nervous4 ,he may be cynical about girls and disgusted with things in general4 ,he may even break out in tears occasionally and will gripe a great deal4 ,but he usually will return to normal soon4 ,it may take a month1 three months1 even six months4 ,if you are his girl just be patient4 ,don't make him talk1 don't ask him for harrowing details of battle4 ,encourage him to get plenty to eat1 sleep and rest4 ,don't drag him around and show him off4 ,give him lots of love and affection4 ,keep him busy and occupied when he is in the mood4 ,in short1 be natural with him1 but don't pamper him too much or too long4 ,as for marriage1 there is no reason why he shouldn't marry4 ,he will usually make a perfectly normal husband if he isn't exposed to new1 continued frustrations4 ,if he is still unsettled certainly don't marry yet because marriage1 and the responsibilities marriage involves1 will certainly not help him4 ,the best procedure would be to wait at least six months and then marry--unless his doctor or psychologist advises against it4 ,chapter ,,xviii ,so ,you ,agree to ,marry3 ,what ,next8 ,we presume there are still young men who get down on their knees and make formal proposals but we aren't personally acquainted with them4 ,the average couple today goes about it more casually4 ,in the course of a conversation they may discuss marriage and find that both like the idea4 ,perhaps the old way was better4 ,at least it was clear-cut4 ,nowadays a girl often cannot be quite sure whether she is engaged or not4 ,the young man may talk good-naturedly about 8,when we get married0 or may give her his wings or fraternity pin without exactly explaining what the symbol is to mean4 ,most girls tell us they have been engaged two or three times4 ,perhaps this vagueness is one reason why they fall in and out of engagements4 ,when is a couple engaged8 ,according to our thinking1 two people are not engaged until they definitely agree that they want to marry each other 444 not until they inform their friends and if possible their respective parents that they intend to marry 444 and not until the man gives the girl some symbol to display that will tell the world she is engaged and off the marriage market4 ,four out of five men who become definitely engaged give their fiances an engagement ring and that is probably most practical because a ring has been the one accepted1 universal symbol of betrothal for more than twenty-five hundred years4 ,originally the symbolism was less subtle4 ,the ring originated in the days of marriage by capture when the ankles or wrist of the girl were bound with sweetgrass4 ,as the bindings became purely symbolic only the finger was tied up1 with an engagement ring4 ,if you decide on a diamond ring 7and more than three-fourths of couples do7 they range in price from a few dollars to many thousands of dollars4 ,according to one of the women's magazines1 more than half the engaged girls get diamond rings costing about fifty dollars4 ,whatever the symbol adopted1 it should serve the purpose of taking the couple 8out of circulation0 and to provide exclusiveness for each other4 ,that is one of the basic conditions of an engagement4 ,exceptions can be made if the man is away for a prolonged period1 but as a rule there should be no extra-curricular dating4 ,here are some of the purposes that an engagement should serve in addition to taking you out of circulation3 --,engagement provides a period of deepening love and affection during which there is an awakening of sexual feelings which will make the couple yearn for the full intimacy which marriage permits4 --,it serves as a period of planning for the future during which the two plan when they will be married1 the kind of wedding they will have1 where they will honeymoon1 the sort of housekeeping arrangement they will make1 where they will live1 etc4 --,it is a period of personality adjustment1 of welding the couple into a union4 --,it is a period of exploring each other's interests to find what activities exist that both enjoy and can share4 --,it is a time when the wise couple prepares for marriage4 ,the man gets a job1 saves some money4 ,the girl learns and perfects her homemaking skills in cooking1 sewing1 and house managing4 --,it is a time to decide whether they want children and how many4 --,it is a time when antagonistic habits are broken and new habits which will permit a smoother married adjustment are established4 --,it is a time when differences are recognized about religion1 about parents1 and solved or compromised4 ,because of all these functions1 the engagement is a period that requires time4 ,the beginning of the war saw a sharp rise in 8gangplank0 or hasty war marriages4 ,and the end of the war produced another sharp rise4 ,thousands of couples rushed into marriage a few days after the returning veterans got off the boat4 ,we can appreciate the desire of some long-separated couples to marry immediately but if they do they are only adding to the inevitable toll of broken marriages that will result4 ,hasty marriages get off to a bad start simply because the engagement period1 which is the period of planning and preparation for marriage1 is cut short4 ,in one study that was made1 forty-seven per cent of the married couples who had known each other less than six months prior to marriage were poorly adjusted6 ,of those who had been acquainted for five years prior to marriage1 less than fifteen per cent were poorly adjusted4 ,of those who had known each other less than three years1 about thirty-three per cent were poorly adjusted4 ,similarly1 about fifty per cent of the couples had a poor adjustment if they had been engaged less than three months before marriage4 ,in contrast1 less than twenty per cent had poor adjustment when their engagement period ranged from nine months to two years4 ,and less than ten per cent of those who had been engaged more than two years were poorly adjusted4 ,in other words1 the prospect of an unhappy marriage clearly decreases as the length of the engagement increases4 ,and incidentally the same study showed that couples were more happily married if both sets of parents approved the marriage4 ,parents in general are more likely to approve an orderly marriage than one contracted in haste4 ,many hasty marriages are contracted secretly4 ,these take two forms4 ,first1 the elopement1 which is characterized by a secret wedding1 but not by a secret marriage4 ,in the second type the couple not only are married secretly but keep the marriage a secret4 ,all the evidence indicates that either type is less likely to be happy even than the hasty marriage performed in public4 ,by their very nature1 secret weddings should be avoided by couples4 ,they rarely take place unless the persons are not sure they are doing the right thing4 ,for couples that involve a returning veteran1 it is especially important that they be engaged at least six months after the reunion before marrying4 ,this time will permit you to become reacquainted1 to make up your minds if you still want to marry each other1 and to adjust to the changes you two have had during your separation4 ,it provides the veteran time to decide what to do about his career4 ,and it provides him with a chance to get back into the routine of civilian living before he takes on the responsibilities of marriage4 ,in the ,army or ,navy much of his thinking was done for him4 ,now he must think for himself and take on responsibilities4 ,the transition may be relatively short for him if he decides to go back to an old job2 it may be quite long if he elects to continue his vocational preparation4 ,sex is a problem during engagement1 because it is accepted as a period for greater intimacy1 and properly so4 ,in courtship restrained caressing may be engaged in without disturbing public morals1 but petting as we define it should wait upon engagement4 ,our customs permit greater intimacy during engagement than during courtship but frown upon complete intimacy before marriage4 ,on the other hand1 society relaxes chaperonage of engaged couples1 permits them to keep later hours1 to be together for longer periods of time1 perhaps to take trips together4 ,under such circumstances restraint must be applied if an engaged couple is to refrain from intercourse4 ,fortunately a girl has more inhibitions and thus can apply restraint more readily4 ,however1 if she loves her fianc deeply she is torn between two desires3 whether to do or not do what she has been taught2 or whether to do or not do what her loved one suggests4 ,if she gives in to him1 it is usually because of the tenderness of her affection rather than because she has great sexual desire4 ,each couple should decide what their limits will be and stick by them4 ,both should remember that many engagements never result in marriage4 ,while an engagement represents an honest declaration of intention by the two people that they intend to marry1 engaged couples should feel that if there is any question in their mind about the continuance of the engagement each should feel free to call it quits4 ,they should discuss their apprehensions frankly4 ,it is far better not to go through with a marriage that may prove unsuited or unhappy4 7,however it is foolish1 of course1 to break an engagement over a quarrel47 ,this chance of breaking off is another reason for a long engagement4 ,the authors feel that everything should be done to encourage couples to be sure of each other before marriage is contracted4 ,if couples were trained more for marriage and went through a longer preparatory period1 then the more poorly matched couples would become aware of the shoals ahead and we would have far fewer broken marriages in ,america6 ,regardless of how badly it may hurt a mate or parents or friends1 you should never marry a person against your better judgment because wedlock will only aggravate an unpleasant situation4 ,nor should you be deterred from fear that the mate will be so upset emotionally that he will commit a rash act4 ,such a fear in itself should be proof that the person is not emotionally stable and so probably would not make you a good spouse4 7,incidentally1 a rash act is exceedingly unlikely47 ,one of the questions engaged people frequently ask marriage counselors is how much of a 8past0 should be revealed by one mate to the other4 ,one general principle should be followed completely1 namely1 that whatever is to be revealed should be revealed before marriage and not afterward4 ,a second principle is that lurid confessions of the past do not provide a good basis on which to begin a marriage4 ,in most cases1 we believe1 it is wiser for the young couple not to tell each other things that may build resentment or distrust or may create hurt or may produce problems outweighing whatever might be gained through telling4 ,just because one becomes engaged is no reason why every skeleton must be rattled4 ,the only thing that a couple should tell each other are things that would have a bearing on their future happiness in marriage4 ,such things as concealed physical defects1 previous marriage1 legal embarrassments1 debts1 etc41 should be told because they will come out sooner or later anyhow4 ,however1 if you do feel impelled--perhaps through feelings of guilt--to reveal disagreeable aspects of your past1 discuss it with some trusted confidant or physician beforehand to confirm the wisdom of doing so4 ,and when you do make the revelation1 do it casually and without emotion and without making a great fuss over it4 ,engagement is a time of growing tolerance and trust and understanding4 ,frankness characterizes it and you and your mate should be realistic with each other in facing your problems4 ,your major problems deal primarily with the present and the future rather than with the past4 ,one evidence that you are trying to solve them is the willingness with which you freely discuss them with each other1 with your parents and with your trusted confidants4 ,chapter ,,xix ,getting ,ready for ,married ,intimacy ,in the course of counseling1 one occasionally encounters a couple whose marriage has not been attended by complete physical intimacy4 ,in one such case the two people had been married two years4 ,more astounding1 neither of them was aware that complete physical intimacy is quite common among married couples6 ,both had been reared in extremely sheltered atmospheres4 ,the boy was a minister's son4 ,the girl had been reared by maiden aunts4 ,they were completely nave about sexual phenomena and had no understanding of what was giving them the feelings of frustration from which they suffered4 ,how important is sex in marriage8 ,does it have much to do with the happiness one derives from marriage8 ,or is sex merely important in reproduction8 ,while sex may not be the most important factor in marriage1 it frequently makes or breaks a marriage4 ,and a satisfying adjustment on the level of physical love is closely associated with marital happiness4 ,probably the most important thing in making a marriage successful is the determination of both mates to make the marriage work4 ,companionship and the mutual working out of problems together are the fruits of happy marriages4 ,but couples are rarely good companions if they have repressions or fears or maladjustments which thwart their achieving a satisfying unity on the physical level4 ,some experts have estimated that during the first few years of marriage nearly half of marriage happiness depends on the sexual adjustment achieved4 ,this does not seem unreasonable because sex provides the first rush of desire that launches the marriage and continues to integrate the couple and bring a sense of harmony to their union4 ,as the years pass couples achieve an increasingly satisfying adjustment and the union of their bodies at frequent intervals in climactic pleasure provides a bond between them4 ,the experience also is important in reducing the tensions that develop in both mates during the course of their daily living4 ,these tensions are of many kinds but they include the sexual tension which results from hormones being poured into the blood streams of both the man and woman4 ,the exhilarating orgasms that come as a climax in successful coitus break these tensions and produce satisfying feelings of relaxation and serenity4 ,one of the misfortunes of modern marriage is that so many married couples are not able to achieve a satisfactory sexual adjustment4 ,studies have shown that at least a third of all wives rarely experience orgasm and at least half of all wives do not experience it with any great regularity4 ,the major reasons for their failure are3 --,most wives are more inhibited and repressed than their husbands4 --,most young wives have less actual sex drive than their husbands4 --,the husbands in too many cases are inconsiderate of the wife and are primarily concerned in achieving satisfaction for themselves4 ,too often sex--instead of being a bond--becomes a quarreling point between the couple4 ,both are resentful4 ,such feelings tend to increase tension rather than reduce it4 ,because sex is so vital to the happiness of a marriage1 we suggest that both you and your mate read a good book on sexual adjustment 7see bibliography7 so that you will know what to expect and won't be frightened by the thought of it4 ,the girl 7and perhaps the man7 can learn a great deal by taking up the matter at length when she goes for a premarital physical examination a week or so before the wedding4 ,she can ask the physician questions about sexual matters and clear up any points that trouble her4 ,he can describe for her the sensations she can expect to experience during the physical intimacy4 ,at the time of the examination she can also discuss any fears she has of immediate pregnancy before their marriage has a chance to become stabilized4 ,he may suggest contraceptive devices or techniques to eliminate that possibility and may take her pelvic measures to see if the pelvis is too narrow for normal childbirth4 ,most engaged couples want to know about contraception1 and the average young doctors and nearly all gynecologists are well equipped to give such information4 ,couples should be careful to thresh out this matter of contraception before marriage because religion sometimes causes them to have strong--and dangerous--differences of opinion about it4 ,the problem of whether to have or not to have children1 and when to have children1 should definitely not be left to chance4 ,most religious leaders are now in agreement on that4 ,for those couples whose religion forbids contraceptive devices1 the rhythm method can be followed1 although this method is not recommended for couples whose religion permits them to use other methods4 ,another thing the bride-to-be may discuss with the doctor is her hymen1 which is the traditional mark of a virgin since it stretches across the entrance to her vagina4 7,incidentally1 the absence of the hymen as an obstacle is no evidence of non-virginity since it can be disrupted in childhood without the girl's knowledge or through medical examinations47 ,if it is so thick that discomfort may be experienced during first intercourse or if it prevents intercourse entirely1 the doctor may prescribe a simple treatment4 ,all couples entering marriage should understand that intercourse is not something people do by instinct but is a learned procedure and that it takes about three to six months for the typical couple to work out a thoroughly satisfying adjustment4 ,many brides have all sorts of baseless fears that must be dispelled4 ,there are three distinct phases to a sexual experience between a man and woman and many of the difficulties arise because the man slights phases one and three4 ,the first phase is that of arousal4 ,the husband and wife caress each other and become physically and psychologically ready for a merging of their bodies4 ,this first phase should not be hurried4 ,it is especially important that the husband remember this because a woman's passion arouses much more slowly than a man's1 particularly during the first few years of married life4 ,by allowing plenty of time for the woman1 the couple can help equalize their differences in sex drive4 ,the presence of erect nipples is an indication that the woman is becoming aroused and may be receptive to further advances4 ,phase two is the actual coitus4 ,in the early days of marriage this should be engaged in gently4 ,later both may be able to enjoy the tumultuous vigor of unrestrained physical intimacy4 ,the husband should not forget during intercourse to tell his wife how much he loves her1 how wonderful he thinks she is1 how much delight she is bringing him4 ,nor should the wife feel hesitant or bashful about doing likewise4 ,if either can make suggestions to the other that will lead to greater enjoyment1 both should feel free to do so4 ,it is only by loving frankness and unashamed coperation that husband and wife are able to achieve the beautiful harmony and the exquisite pleasure that only a satisfying sexual adjustment can bring them4 ,in many cases 7unfortunately7 the husband1 because of strain and fatigue1 will arrive at his orgasm almost immediately4 ,the average couple1 after some experience1 find that actual intercourse usually lasts about five to ten minutes4 ,some wives require ten minutes or fifteen minutes before they are able to achieve orgasm4 ,some men1 perhaps one in seven1 are unable to hold back ejaculation for more than two or three minutes4 ,all couples can bring their orgasms closer to each other if they will try to accommodate themselves to each other4 ,the ideal is for both man and wife to have orgasm simultaneously4 ,orgasm for a man comes with the flooding or ejaculation of seminal fluid4 ,for the woman1 orgasm is marked by the sudden relaxation of the muscles in her genital region4 ,it is accompanied by a feeling of great tension reduction as well as great pleasure4 ,now we come to phase three1 which should not be slighted4 ,it is a sort of postlude1 an after the storm4 ,the average wife derives exquisite pleasure from feeling herself and her husband relaxing4 ,further1 in this phase the wife wants to be held closely by her husband and to be told that he loves her4 ,she wants to be made to feel that he loves her for what she is1 all the qualities that she has1 all the traits that she possesses1 and not alone for the sexual thrill that she has just given him4 ,we might give the husband a practical suggestion at this point by telling him this4 ,if his wife is slow in reaching an orgasm he can help her to reach orgasm more rapidly by making this postlude just as delightful for her as possible by being tender and romantic4 ,without realizing what is happening she will strive to achieve orgasm for the pleasure she derives from his deep and sincere appreciation that comes afterward4 ,most young wives do not have an orgasm in the early days of marriage and so should not be distressed if they do not experience it on the wedding night4 ,in ,terman's study of several hundred wives1 less than twenty-five per cent stated they had orgasm at first intercourse4 ,another twenty-five per cent said they experienced it within a few days or weeks4 ,another twenty-five per cent roughly stated that they experienced it sometime between the first month of marriage and the twelfth month4 ,and the remaining wives said they had either never experienced it or did not experience it until one or more years after marriage4 ,in scoring these same women on their marriage happiness1 ,terman found that those women who did not experience orgasm within the first year were significantly less happy in marriage than those who had been able to achieve it within the first year4 ,more than half of the happiest husbands and wives seemed to be those in marriages where the wife had orgasm within the first few months of marriage4 ,it should be remembered however that the presence or absence of orgasm is not necessarily a criterion of marriage happiness or unhappiness4 ,while absence of it is clearly an obstacle for many couples it is not a major cause of unhappiness in marriage1 providing that it does occur within the first year4 ,the happiest couples seem to be those where there is complete or fairly complete tension reduction experienced in intercourse whether an orgasm occurs or not4 ,what are the obstacles to happiness as far as sex is concerned8 ,terman found that many unhappy husbands complained most frequently about such things as these3 ,wife shows too little enthusiasm4 ,wife can not regularly reach an orgasm or is slow in reaching it4 ,wife desires intercourse too rarely4 ,wife not physiologically ready for intercourse4 ,wife has too little regard for the husband's satisfaction4 ,wife does not express enough tenderness and consideration4 ,it was found that unhappy wives complained about such things as these3 ,husband has orgasm too quickly4 ,husband desires intercourse too frequently 7or too rarely74 ,husband wants to go to sleep or get up too soon after the climax4 ,husband shows too little enthusiasm4 ,husband does not caress affectionately during the preliminary phase4 ,husband expresses too little tenderness4 ,if you wonder about the importance of physical love in marriage you might remember that very few husbands and wives are unfaithful to each other if their passions are satisfied and if mates are considerate of each other's needs4 ,the ,marriage ,counseling ,service at ,penn ,state has not found a single case of separation or divorce among couples who have achieved and maintained sexual harmony since the early weeks of their marriage4 ,chapter ,,xx ,getting ,off to a ,good ,start ,marriage is a plunge1 no matter how carefully it is planned4 ,the man takes on the responsibility of supporting someone besides himself for the rest of his life4 ,the girl gives up her name1 her independence of action1 and usually her career4 ,both mates must adjust themselves to an entirely new existence4 ,the pattern of wedded relationship that will persist for the rest of your married life usually sets during the first few months4 ,every day you will take first steps4 ,and those steps are important4 ,you start living together1 planning together and sleeping together4 ,at a hundred points you can make missteps that will leave scars on your relationship long after the original incidents are forgotten4 ,that's why the first few months are so important4 ,for a girl1 the wedding day will undoubtedly be the biggest day she will experience in her life4 ,because of this the groom should hesitate before he discourages a church wedding or suggests that they be married by some roadside justice of the peace4 ,while being married in the church is not necessary for marriage happiness1 it has been found that those couples who are serious-minded are more likely to achieve happiness if their wedding is under the auspices of the church4 ,then it is planned1 it is dignified1 and the vows--which seem to take on added meaning in a church--are uttered before friends and relatives4 ,the bride should have the privilege of setting the date of the wedding4 ,in doing this she should try to set the date so that it will follow a few days after the menstrual period has ended4 ,she does that not only because of anticipated physical intimacies1 but because the menstrual period frequently makes a girl irritable and depressed--hardly the best mood for a honeymoon4 ,in planning the wedding and the honeymoon it is important to avoid all situations that might produce tension and worry1 and especially the feeling of 8hurrying somewhere40 ,if you can manage a honeymoon1 take it by all means4 ,it doesn't need to involve a long trip or staying at an expensive resort4 ,here are some suggestions on the site of the honeymoon that may be helpful3 ,it should not be spent with friends or relatives4 ,it should be spent at a place where the couple is not well known4 ,it is better to spend it in the country or a small town rather than in a bustling metropolis4 ,it should be spent where there will be no obligations to attend social functions or to meet definite schedules4 ,it should be spent where both will be completely free of outside responsibilities1 such as cooking their own food so there will be no limit on the time they can be together4 ,it should be spent where there are things to do and activities to enjoy whenever they feel in the mood for such diversions4 ,the first adjustment faced by the typical married couple is sexual1 for the typical couple engages in sexual intercourse on that first night4 ,if they have discussed their attitudes on sex before the wedding they have paved the way4 ,nevertheless many couples feel self-conscious on their honeymoon night4 ,perhaps they would be even more self-conscious if they realized that marriage happiness during their first few years will depend a great deal on achieving a good sexual adjustment4 ,often a husband can make that first night easier for a wife if he finds an errand to perform while his bride is preparing to retire4 ,he may even suggest to her that he will be gone for fifteen or twenty minutes1 which will give her a chance to be in bed when he returns4 ,however if she seems eager for him to remain he should do so because she may be a little fearful of being left alone4 ,in any case it is important that both respect each other's privacy especially carefully during the first few weeks4 ,marriage1 as we say1 is an abrupt step and each should strive to ease the impact of the transition as much as possible4 ,if the new husband is ever romantic it should be now6 ,the bride is probably a bit nervous about what is to follow and this can be largely dissipated if the groom is gallant and endearing and considerate4 ,this is not only the decent thing to do but is sound psychology4 ,it will build up in her a feeling of pride in him and a desire to share with him everything possible4 ,actual intercourse should not be launched on that first night if the passions of both are not genuinely aroused4 ,it is important that both the bride and groom be completely agreeable before the first intimacy is experienced4 ,if the bride remains apprehensive about it they should content themselves with milder intimacies and take up the matter another night4 ,they should not feel there is some hard-and-fast tradition that they must have an experience that first night4 ,if the bride is a virgin and still possesses the impediment of one1 both should understand that some pain will be experienced during the first intercourse and neither may achieve a climax4 ,further1 both should understand that sexual adjustment is learned1 not inherited4 ,the initial learning may be somewhat awkward and not too satisfying4 ,it's not a natural1 spontaneous thing1 contrary to the average young person's notions4 ,it is this misconception that frightens many brides into frigidity when they find intimacy doesn't come naturally to them immediately4 ,many feel that there must be something wrong with themselves when they don't enjoy it from the start4 ,but if they are patient and gentle with each other within a few weeks they should sense the deep thrills that lie in store for them4 ,and within six months at most1 they should have achieved a grand and satisfying relationship4 ,if they are to achieve anything beyond animalistic excitement1 the aim of both the man and girl should be not to receive satisfaction but to give satisfaction4 ,it is this considerateness that makes the act sublime and enriching4 ,it welds them into a strong union4 ,as the honeymoon progresses1 something usually happens toward the end that jolts the couple back to reality4 ,for the first time1 perhaps unconsciously1 the groom starts acting like a husband or the bride like a wife4 ,usually it is the groom4 ,perhaps he forgets to kiss his bride when he leaves her for a few hours4 ,perhaps she catches him thinking of something else while she is confiding her love4 ,or perhaps he just refuses to get up and look at the gorgeous sunrise that is thrilling her4 ,this little 8baptism0 comes sooner or later and brides should prepare themselves for it4 ,it signifies that the honeymoon is just about over and that they are returning to the day-to-day job of living together as two human beings4 ,the bride may feel let down or heartsick4 ,she may even cry a little or flare up and upbraid him4 ,or worse she may retreat into her shell4 ,if she fails to handle the incident calmly and retain her sense of proportion she may develop an attitude that will get them off to a bad start4 ,as they get down to the day-to-day job of adjusting themselves to married life the wife will find that the major burden of the adjusting falls on her4 ,that is because the woman normally must rearrange her life1 upon marriage1 more than the man1 despite the fact that they are partners4 ,for example3 ,he stays in the same community whereas she often must leave hers1 and her friends1 to live with him4 ,he keeps his name whereas she drops hers to take his1 with a 8,mrs40 in front of it4 ,he keeps his job whereas she usually quits hers to learn an entirely new occupation--homemaking4 ,he continues to make his own money whereas she becomes dependent upon him even for spending money4 ,he lives the role of husband an hour in the morning and a few hours in the evening whereas she spends fifteen hours a day functioning as a wife4 ,he continues spending the greatest part of his energy trying to please his boss1 whereas she starts devoting her energy to winning her husband's approval--approval for the way she cooks1 dresses1 runs the home1 takes care of the children1 if they have them4 ,normally the wife spends at least eighty per cent of the husband's income on such things as these and naturally is anxious to convince him she is using his money wisely4 ,what adjustments must two people make in their attitude toward each other in order to live together happily8 ,if you were to accept the word of certain newspaper 8experts0 on love and marriage1 you might get the impression that all the new husband need do to make his wife happy is not to smoke in bed1 to pick up his own clothes1 and to wash off the bathtub ring4 ,likewise it would seem that all the new wife has to do is remove her lipstick before retiring and avoid talking to him before he has had his breakfast4 ,marriage would be simple if those sorts of things were the essentials of marriage adjustment4 ,actually the essentials are much more basic4 ,for two people to live together successfully as husband and wife they must be able to understand each other as only true companions can4 ,they must recognize the needs of each other and be willing to coperate to satisfy them4 ,perhaps the girl is easily upset emotionally and needs her husband's calm disposition to steady her4 ,or perhaps he has feelings of inferiority which she can offset by building up his ego4 ,and they must be able to face the facts when differences arise 7as over money71 and be able to work out amicable solutions together4 ,mates who haven't learned to compromise differences face a stormy future4 ,if you want your mate to be eager to please you instead of ignoring or defying you1 learn to condition him by rewarding him with praise and caresses4 ,when the husband does something that displeases a wife she must never reward him4 ,likewise1 for example1 if the wife wants a new dress which is too expensive and the husband tries to make it clear to her that he cannot afford it1 and she has a temper tantrum1 he should not give in and buy the dress4 ,in this case1 the husband would reward her temper tantrum4 ,let this happen two or three times and thereafter she will use a tantrum to get the things she wants from him4 ,she knows he hates such scenes and will give in4 ,it will be much better psychologically if the much-desired dress can be given to her as a reward for something nice she has done4 ,while a husband or wife wants to feel that things are done out of love and for love only1 the fact remains that love continues only if it is nourished4 ,if a husband snarls at his wife1 never gives her a kind word1 never rewards her and is always condemning or punishing her1 the day will come when she will absolutely despise him4 ,there is such a thing as deathless love1 but it exists only when it has a firm foundation of considerateness between the two4 ,another thing newly-weds should learn is the importance of tension reduction4 ,the husband may come home from the office and lash out at the wife because supper is a little late4 ,what has happened1 probably1 is that he had some disagreeable experience at his work but had to keep his temper under check there4 ,he comes home seething and explodes at the first provocation4 ,the young wife may retreat to her room crying unless she senses the real reason for his anger4 ,instead she should recognize that he is tied up in nervous knots1 take his outburst philosophically and try to reduce the tension by caressing him1 by talking cheerfully and complimenting him on something nice or laudable he has done4 ,by so doing1 she brings pleasantness after unpleasantness and thus encourages him to bring his troubles to her rather than to his male cronies or to some other woman4 ,married couples should also understand the importance of climactic sexual relations as a means of reducing tension4 ,another psychological habit that should be helpful to newly-weds is the use of indirect methods to get what they want4 ,you will have a happier1 more loyal mate if you can get him to do things you want by making suggestions rather than demands4 ,if the lawn needs mowing just mention how ragged the grass is getting4 ,usually he will then mow it on his own initiative4 ,on the practical side1 it is very helpful if the two can work out some plan for handling the income during the early weeks of marriage so that they can see just where the money goes4 ,a simplified but formal budget is helpful here4 ,further1 it is vital that the wife quickly acquire skill in managing the home so that the husband will be initiated pleasantly into the role of being a home-body4 ,a messy home frequently produces irritations which disrupt cordial relations between the two mates4 ,the new wife should plan her housework so that the tasks fit into a pattern and are taken care of in order and at specific times4 ,for example1 ,monday may be 8wash day02 ,tuesday1 ,thursday and ,saturday may be 8shopping days02 ,wednesday may be 8ironing day02 ,saturday morning may be baking day4 ,this really amounts to a budget of her time and her work4 ,if they are to five happily ever after it is important that the wife know her husband's food likes and dislikes4 ,the importance of food to marriage success is frequently misunderstood by newly-weds1 and highly underrated4 ,a large portion of the husbands who take their troubles to the ,penn ,state marriage clinic disclose sooner or later that their wives are poor cooks or serve them late1 slapped-together meals4 ,when a husband comes home tired and harassed from his day's work1 nothing will restore him to a genial mood as much as his favorite dishes of food1 expertly prepared and served soon after he arrives4 ,during the first few weeks of married life the wife should make an effort to learn something about her husband's food likes and dislikes4 ,some of this should already have been gathered by observation during courtship and the honeymoon by noting the foods that he chose in a restaurant4 ,simply knowing the husband's favorite dishes is not enough4 ,the new husband may not throw the first batch of burned biscuits at his wife1 but if the next batch is burned too he is apt at least to throw some caustic comments4 ,soon after the honeymoon there will come a time when one or both of the mates may no longer be satisfied just to be with each other4 ,they will become more independent of each other unless during the first few months of marriage they have explored each other's interests and found things they can do together4 ,if he is to become anything more than the provider and she anything more than the housekeeper1 they must establish a sound basis for companionship4 ,how can this be done8 ,the essentials of human companionship are pretty universal for any two people whether they are mates or just close friends4 ,comrades most frequently have these things in common3 ,they enjoy talking to each other4 ,mates should not feel they have completely succeeded as partners until each regards the other as the one person he or she can unburden himself to about anything that is on his mind4 ,each can help develop a strong feeling of 8conversational companionship0 in their union by being a ready and sympathetic listener to the thoughts that are uppermost in the other's mind4 ,both should realize that a woman's interests naturally are different from a man's4 ,after their own immediate preoccupations of the day1 a woman's interests tend more toward clothes1 decorations and amusements whereas the man is more interested in money1 world affairs and sports4 ,a good middle ground is their mutual interests and hobbies and the activities of their mutual acquaintances4 ,companions enjoy doing things together4 ,one of the first things newly-weds should investigate1 if they haven't already1 are the things they can do peaceably and enjoyably together4 ,perhaps both get a great deal of pleasure from listening to early jazz recordings1 or skiing1 or merely playing chess or being together every night and saying very little4 ,visiting friends can be fun where the two husbands are congenial and the two wives are fond of each other4 ,one of the sad things about marriage is that a bride's best friend marries a man whom her husband can't stand2 or the man's old roommate marries a flighty1 affected girl the wife can't stand4 ,such antagonisms should be sensed and the bride and groom should in such cases try to get together with their old friends on an individual rather than a family basis4 ,companions respect each other's opinions and abilities4 ,the shrewd wife keeps up with the world so that her husband will respect her as an individual in her own right4 ,wives that become completely dependent on their husbands1 and cling to them because they have no other interest1 frequently lose the respect of their husband4 ,it helps if they are seeking a common goal4 ,one of the very best ways there is for a couple to develop a strong basis for companionship is to have common aspirations which both believe in and talk about enthusiastically4 ,this means sharing in a long-range project4 ,they map their plans together and carry them through4 ,they share triumphs and disappointments4 ,they may build or remodel a home for themselves4 ,in the process of planning1 waiting and dreaming together they become comrades for life4 ,while it may be argued that building or buying a home is more expensive in the long run than renting1 nothing gives a couple a greater feeling of solidarity than home ownership1 especially when they plan together in building1 remodeling or furnishing it4 ,even saving money can be a common goal that will develop companionship1 especially if the couple are saving the money for something they both want badly such as a car or a long-dreamed-of vacation trip4 ,in general a young couple earning between eighteen hundred and three thousand dollars a year can well aim to save at least five per cent and better still ten per cent of the income4 ,if they strive for a percentage much higher than that they may find it entails too great a denial4 ,similarly the goal of a couple may be to raise a large happy family4 ,they plan the arrival of their children and1 working as a team1 guide the growth and development of each child4 ,after ,thoughts ,by now we hope we have helped you clarify in your mind the kind of mate you want--and need4 ,we have raised a good many thoughts you should bear in mind in selecting your mate4 ,it is doubtful that you--or anyone--will find a mate who fits letter perfect into all the qualifications we have mentioned in the course of the book as desirable in mates1 but that is not important4 ,what is important is that your mate should fit into the general pattern of the kind of person you need1 and should be free from the really serious short-comings we have mentioned4 ,perhaps the most important single thought we can leave with you is that the person you marry should be one who will give you a sense of well-being4 ,marriage to this person should end your vague feelings of restlessness4 ,we know a young married couple who have 8everything40 ,they live in a well-to-do suburb1 belong to a country club and are not 8tied down0 by children4 ,they go to many parties and on week-end excursions and eat out whenever they feel like it4 ,yet they go about their rush of activities with the bored futility of a dog chasing his own tail4 ,and we know another couple who are the kind some people would feel sorry for4 ,they have four whooping youngsters that virtually pin them to the homestead and make outside social life impossible4 ,they must fight a constant battle with living costs to get ahead financially4 ,during most of their free moments they must work about their house1 upholstering furniture1 fixing leaking faucets or hanging storm windows4 ,yet these two mates are immensely happy in marriage4 ,they have a sense of purpose in life--a sense of well-being4 ,they are so glad they are married to each other that they can shrug off the many irritations that beset them as unimportant4 ,both of them would confide to you that marriage is a wonderful1 enriching experience4 ,appendix ,a ,books ,you ,may ,wish to ,read ,i4 ,,adjustment ,,of ,,the ,,veteran 7,in and after war74 #a4 ,,anon41 ,psychology for the ,fighting ,man4 ,washington3 ,infantry ,journal1 #aidc4 #b4 ,,boring1 ,,edwin ,g4 7editor71 ,psychology for the ,armed ,services4 ,washington3 ,infantry ,journal1 #aide4 #c4 ,,child1 ,,irvin ,l41 and ,,van ,,de ,,water1 ,,marjorie 7editors71 ,psychology for the ,returning ,serviceman4 ,washington3 ,infantry ,journal1 #aide4 #d4 ,,pratt1 ,,george ,k41 ,soldier to ,civilian4 ,new ,york3 ,whittlesey ,house4 ,mc,graw-,hill1 #aidd4 #e4 ,,redmond1 ,,catherine1 ,handbook for ,army ,wives and ,mothers4 ,washington3 ,infantry ,journal1 #aidd4 #f4 ,,stevenson1 ,,eleanor1 and ,,martin1 ,,pete1 ,i ,knew ,your ,soldier4 ,washington3 ,infantry ,journal1 #aide4 ,,ii4 ,,basic ,,research ,,in ,,marriage 7,technical research studies74 #a4 ,,burgess1 ,e4 ,w41 and ,,cottrell1 ,l4 ,s41 ,predicting ,success or ,failure in ,marriage4 ,new ,york3 ,prentice-,hall1 #aici4 #b4 ,,davis1 ,,katharine ,b41 ,factors in the ,sex ,life of ,twenty-two ,hundred ,women4 ,new ,york3 ,harper and ,brothers1 #aibi4 #c4 ,,dickinson1 ,r4 ,l41 and ,,beam1 ,,lura1 ,a ,thousand ,marriages4 ,baltimore3 ,williams and ,wilkins1 #aica4 #d4 ,,hamilton1 ,g4 ,v41 ,a ,research in ,marriage4 ,new ,york3 ,albert and ,charles ,boni1 #aibi4 #e4 ,,terman1 ,,lewis ,m41 ,psychological ,factors in ,marital ,happiness4 ,new ,york3 ,mc,graw-,hill1 #aich4 ,,iii4 ,,contraception ,,and ,,family ,,spacing 7,birth control74 #a4 ,,cooper1 ,,james ,f41 ,technique of ,contraception4 ,new ,york3 ,day-,nichols1 #aibh4 #b4 ,,dickinson1 ,,robert ,l41 ,control of ,conception4 #bnd edition4 ,baltimore3 ,williams and ,wilkins1 #aich4 #c4 ,,latz1 ,,leo ,j41 ,the ,rhythm of ,sterility and ,fertility in ,women4 #eth edition4 ,chicago3 ,latz ,foundation1 #aice4 7,recommended to ,catholics47 #d4 ,,welton1 ,t4 ,s41 ,modern ,method of ,birth ,control4 ,new ,york3 ,walker ,j4 ,black1 #aice4 ,,iv4 ,,family ,,and ,,marriage ,,problems4 #a4 ,,baber1 ,r4 ,e41 ,marriage and the ,family4 ,new ,york3 ,mc,graw-,hill ,book ,co41 #aici4 #b4 ,,drummond1 ,,laura ,w41 ,youth and ,instruction in ,marriage and ,family ,living4 ,new ,york3 ,teachers ,college1 ,columbia ,university1 #aidb4 #c4 ,,goldstein1 ,,sidney ,e41 ,marriage and ,family ,counseling4 ,new ,york3 ,mc,graw-,hill1 #aide4 #d4 ,,groves1 ,,ernest ,r41 ,conserving ,marriage and the ,family4 ,new ,york3 ,macmillan1 #aidd4 #e4 ,,groves1 ,,gladys ,,hoagland1 ,marriage and ,family ,life4 ,new ,york3 ,houghton ,mifflin1 #aidb4 #f4 ,,hill1 ,,reuben1 and ,,becker1 ,,howard 7editors71 ,marriage and the ,family4 ,boston3 ,d4 ,c4 ,heath1 #aidb4 #g4 ,,mowrer1 ,h4 ,r41 ,personality ,adjustment and ,domestic ,discord4 ,new ,york3 ,american1 #aice4 #h4 ,,nimkoff1 ,m4 ,f41 ,the ,family4 ,new ,york3 ,houghton ,mifflin1 #aicd4 #i4 ,,burgess1 ,,ernest ,w4 and ,,locke1 ,,harvey ,j41 ,the ,family4 ,new ,york3 ,american ,book ,company1 #aide4 ,v4 ,,getting ,,along ,,with ,,people 7,improving personality74 #a4 ,,laird1 ,,donald ,a41 and ,,laird1 ,,eleanor ,c41 ,the ,technique of ,handling ,people4 ,new ,york3 ,mc,graw-,hill1 #aidc4 #b4 ,,lockhart1 ,,earl ,g41 ,improving ,your ,personality4 ,chicago3 ,walton ,publishing ,co41 #aici4 #c4 ,,morgan1 ,,john ,b41 and ,,webb1 ,,ewing ,t41 ,making the ,most of ,your ,life4 ,garden ,city1 #aicb4 #d4 ,,myers1 ,,garry ,c41 ,the ,modern ,parent4 ,new ,york3 ,greenberg1 #aicj4 #e4 ,,newton1 ,,roy1 ,how to ,improve ,your ,personality4 ,new ,york3 ,mc,graw-,hill1 #aidb4 #f4 ,,webb1 ,e4 ,t41 and ,,morgan1 ,,john ,j4 ,b41 ,strategy in ,handling ,people4 ,chicago3 ,boulton ,pierce1 #aicj4 #g4 ,,white1 ,,wendell1 ,the ,psychology of ,dealing with ,people4 ,revised4 ,new ,york3 ,macmillan1 #aida4 ,,vi4 ,,interpretation ,,of ,,marriage ,,studies 7,not too technical74 #a4 ,,hamilton1 ,g4 ,v41 and ,,macgowan1 ,,kenneth1 ,what ,is ,wrong with ,marriage4 ,new ,york3 ,albert and ,charles ,boni1 ,inc41 #aibi4 7,this is a popular treatment of ,,hamilton',s ,a ,research in ,marriage47 #b4 ,,hart1 ,,hornell1 and ,,hart1 ,,ella ,b41 ,personality and the ,family4 ,new ,york3 ,d4 ,c4 ,heath1 #aida4 ,,vii4 ,,maladjustment ,,and ,,neuroticism 7,mental hygiene74 #a4 ,,crow1 ,,lester ,d41 and ,,crow1 ,,alice1 ,mental ,hygiene in ,school and ,home ,life4 ,new ,york3 ,mc,graw-,hill1 #aidb4 #b4 ,,fink1 ,,david ,h41 ,release from ,nervous ,tension4 ,new ,york3 ,simon and ,schuster1 #aidc4 #c4 ,,louttit1 ,c4 ,m41 ,clinical ,psychology4 ,new ,york3 ,harper and ,brothers1 #aicf4 #d4 ,,shaffer1 ,,laurance ,f41 ,the ,psychology of ,adjustment4 ,new ,york3 ,houghton ,mifflin1 #aicf4 #e4 ,,solomon1 ,,harry ,c41 and ,,yakovlev1 ,,paul ,i4 7editors71 ,manual of ,military ,neuropsychiatry4 ,philadelphia3 ,w4 ,b4 ,saunders1 #aidd4 ,,viii4 ,,preparing ,,for ,,marriage 7,easy to read and popular74 #a4 ,,bowman1 ,,henry ,a41 ,marriage for ,moderns4 ,new ,york3 ,mc,graw-,hill1 #aidb4 #b4 ,,folsom1 ,,joseph ,k41 ,plan for ,marriage4 ,new ,york3 ,harper and ,brothers1 #aich4 #c4 ,,foster1 ,,robert ,g41 ,marriage and ,family ,relationships4 ,new ,york3 ,macmillan ,company1 #aidd4 #d4 ,,groves1 ,,ernest ,r41 ,marriage4 ,new ,york3 ,henry ,holt1 #aida4 #e4 ,,himes1 ,,norman ,e41 ,your ,marriage4 ,new ,york3 ,farrar and ,rinehart1 #aidj4 #f4 ,,jordan1 ,,helen ,,mougey1 ,you and ,marriage4 ,new ,york3 ,john ,wiley and ,sons1 #aidb4 #g4 ,,jung1 ,,moses 7editor71 ,modern ,marriage4 ,new ,york3 ,f4 ,s4 ,crofts and ,co41 #aidj4 #h4 ,,nelson1 ,,janet ,,fowler1 ,marriages ,are ,not ,made in ,heaven4 ,new ,york3 ,woman's ,press1 #aici4 #i4 ,,popenoe1 ,,paul1 ,marriage ,before and ,after4 ,new ,york3 ,wilfred ,funk1 #aidc4 #aj4 ,,popenoe1 ,,paul1 ,modern ,marriage4 ,new ,york3 ,the ,macmillan ,co41 #aidj4 #aa4 ,,duvall1 ,,evelyn ,m4 and ,,hill1 ,,reuben1 ,when ,you ,marry4 ,boston3 ,d4 ,c4 ,heath and ,company1 #aide4 ,,ix4 ,,sexual ,,adjustment 7,inception1 development1 guidance74 #a4 ,,butterfield1 ,,oliver1 ,marriage and ,sexual ,harmony4 ,new ,york3 ,emerson ,books1 #aich4 #b4 ,,deutsch1 ,,helene1 ,the ,psychology of ,women4 ,new ,york3 ,grune and ,stratton1 #aidd4 #c4 ,,dickinson1 ,r4 ,l41 and ,,beam1 ,,lura1 ,the ,single ,woman4 ,baltimore3 ,williams and ,wilkins1 #aicd4 #d4 ,,haire1 ,,norman 7editor71 ,encyclopedia of ,sexual ,knowledge4 ,new ,york3 ,eugenics1 #aidj4 #e4 ,,novak1 ,,emil1 ,the ,woman ,asks the ,doctor4 ,baltimore3 ,williams and ,wilkins1 #aicg4 #f4 ,,stone1 ,,abraham1 and ,,stone1 ,,hannah ,m41 ,a ,marriage ,manual4 ,revised edition4 ,new ,york3 ,simon and ,schuster1 #aici4 #g4 ,,van ,,de ,,velde1 ,t4 ,h41 ,ideal ,marriage4 ,new ,york3 ,random ,house1 #aicj4 #h4 ,,walker1 ,,kenneth1 and ,,strauss1 ,,eric ,b41 ,sexual ,disorders in the ,male4 ,baltimore3 ,williams and ,wilkins1 #aida4 #i4 ,,wright1 ,,helena1 ,sex ,factor in ,marriage4 ,revised edition4 ,new ,york3 ,vanguard ,press1 #aicg4 ,x4 ,,sexual ,,anatomy 7,illustrated hand atlas74 #a4 ,,dickinson1 ,r4 ,l41 ,human ,sex ,anatomy4 ,baltimore3 ,williams and ,wilkins1 #aicc4 ,,xi4 ,,sexual ,,research 7,technical studies74 #a4 ,,landis1 ,,carney1 and ,,boller1 ,m4 ,,marjorie1 ,personality and ,sexuality of the ,physically ,handicapped ,woman4 ,new ,york3 ,paul ,b4 ,hoeber1 ,inc41 #aidb4 #b4 ,,landis1 ,,carney et als41 ,sex in ,development4 ,new ,york3 ,paul ,b4 ,hoeber1 ,inc41 #aidj4 #c4 ,,terman1 ,l4 ,m41 and ,,miles1 ,c41 ,sex and ,personality4 ,new ,york3 ,mc,graw-,hill ,book ,co41 #aicg4 ,,xii4 ,,symposium ,,on ,,war ,,marriage ,,and ,,its ,,problems 7,institute addresses on 8,preparing for ,marriage10 8,counseling ,married ,couples10 and 8,preserving the ,family074 #a4 ,,adams1 ,,clifford ,r41 and ,,kerr1 ,,james ,a4 7editors71 ,proceedings of the ,annual ,institute on ,marriage and ,home ,adjustment4 ,state ,college3 ,the ,pennsylvania ,state ,college1 #aidd4 ,appendix ,b ,marriage ,counseling ,agencies ,the ,american ,association of ,marriage ,counselors 7,chairman1 ,lester ,w4 ,dearborn1 #caf ,huntington ,avenue1 ,boston1 and ,secretary1 ,robert ,w4 ,laidlaw1 ,m4,d41 #efc ,park ,avenue1 ,new ,york7 is a professional organization of qualified ethical marriage counselors4 ,by writing either the chairman or the secretary1 the name and address of a capable counselor in your vicinity may be obtained4 ,other marriage counselors 7or agencies7 in colleges or universities are listed below1 some of whom are affiliated with the ,american ,association of ,marriage ,counselors4 ,alabama3 ,university of ,alabama1 ,dr4 ,pauline ,park ,wilson ,california3 ,university of ,california 7,berkeley71 ,dr4 ,noel ,keys ,indiana3 ,anderson ,college1 ,dr4 ,carl ,kardatzke ,iowa3 ,iowa ,state ,college1 ,dr4 ,reuben ,hill ,massachusetts3 ,mt4 ,holyoke1 ,dr4 ,manfred ,h4 ,kuhn ,michigan3 ,merrill-,palmer ,school 7,detroit71 ,dr4 ,robert ,g4 ,foster ,missouri3 ,stephens ,college1 ,dr4 ,henry ,a4 ,bowman ,north ,carolina3 ,university of ,north ,carolina1 ,dr4 ,ernest ,r4 ,groves and ,mrs4 ,gladys ,h4 ,groves ,oregon3 ,university of ,oregon1 ,dr4 ,lawrence ,s4 ,bee ,pennsylvania3 ,pennsylvania ,state ,college1 ,dr4 ,clifford ,r4 ,adams ,two nationally known reputable marriage counseling services are3 ,california 7,los ,angeles71 ,american ,institute of ,marriage ,relations1 ,dr4 ,paul ,popenoe1 ,director ,pennsylvania 7,philadelphia71 ,marriage ,counsel of ,philadelphia1 ,mrs4 ,emily ,h4 ,mudd1 ,director ,index ,adams-,lepley ,personnel ,audit1 #ajj-aje ,adjustment1 to married life1 #aih ,adolescence1 #dj ,age and marriage1 ,emotional1 #dj-da ,evidence of emotional immaturity1 #da-db ,mental1 #ci ,physiological1 #ch ,sexual1 #ci ,vocational1 #ci ,alcohol and marriage1 #aei ,alibi artists1 #aej ,arousal stage1 #aia ,assortative mating1 #bh ,bachelors1 percentage of1 #ae ,beauty1 #hi1 #id-ie ,bowman1 ,dr4 ,henry1 #dh ,children1 as values1 #bb ,coitus1 #aia ,complaints of husbands and wives1 #ii ,contraceptives1 #aia ,dating1 #dj ,disorderly mates1 #aeb ,divorce1 #ae ,rate of1 #bf-bg ,emotional maturity1 #da-dc ,emotions1 test1 #gb-gc ,engagement1 #ahc ,purpose1 #ahd ,revealing your past during1 #ahg ,role of sex during1 #ahf ,erogenous zones1 #eh ,escapists1 #aea ,fetishism1 #ga ,first night of marriage1 #aif-aig ,flirts1 #aec ,frigidity1 #ee1 #ef1 #fg ,guilford-,martin ,personnel ,inventory1 #ajj ,hasty marriages1 #ahe ,home making and marriage1 #afe-aff ,homosexuality1 #gj ,honeymoon1 #aif-aih ,husbands1 happy and unhappy1 #ih ,hymen1 #aia ,infatuation1 characteristics of1 #dh ,inferiority complex1 #ij ,in-law complications1 #aeb-aec ,jealous mates1 #adf ,jealousy1 test1 #aed-aee ,jobs and marriage happiness1 #afg-afh ,prestige of1 #afg ,lang1 ,richard ,o41 #afg ,law-abiding husbands1 #aeh ,life's problems1 #bb ,love1 ,ability for1 #ea-eb ,at first sight1 #di ,conditions necessary for1 #ej ,defined1 #dg-ej ,sex and1 #ee ,test of love1 #ec-ed ,marriage1 ,basic needs filled by1 #ie-ig ,best age for1 #be1 #ch1 #dc ,chances of1 #bc ,common goals in1 #bjc ,companionship and1 #ba ,crucial traits for happiness in1 #ii ,customs1 #ae ,differences and1 #adj-ade ,effects of war on1 #be-bf ,expectancy of happiness in1 test1 #cg ,mixed1 #aci ,mixed personalities1 #adj-ada ,mixtures to beware in1 #ada-ade ,qualifications1 #aef-afd ,prediction of happiness scale1 #ajj ,prospects for1 #af ,psychological barriers1 #af-ah ,reasons against1 #ae-ah ,reasons for1 #ai-bj ,stabilizing influence of1 #ba ,suggestions for marital happiness1 #acc-acf ,mate-matching1 #abd-abf ,test for couples1 #acg ,mates1 ,acceptable1 #bg-bh ,background of1 #cj ,city ,census table1 #cd ,critical1 #adi ,desirable1 #ajd-aje ,education of1 #bi ,financial status of1 #bi ,geography favorable for1 #ca ,job of1 #cj ,making over1 #adg-adh ,range of eligibility1 #bh-ca ,shortage of1 #be ,state age ,census table1 #cb-cc ,mating1 problems of selection1 #da-dd ,problems of selection1 #ia-id ,traits wanted1 #hg-hi ,meeting people of the opposite sex1 #hc-he ,menstruation1 #eh ,mismating1 cause of1 #bf ,necking1 #fe ,nervous mates1 #adh ,neurosis1 test of1 #afc-afd ,obstacles to sexual happiness1 #aid ,orgasm1 percentage experiencing1 #fd1 #aib-aic ,pedophilia1 #ga ,penn ,state ,counseling ,service1 #adg-bja ,personality test1 #ha1 #hb ,petting1 #fe1 #fg-fi ,exploitive1 #fh ,setting limits1 #ga ,physical handicaps1 #ag ,physical health1 #fd1 #aeh ,need for physical examination1 #afb-afc ,popularity with opposite sex1 #ge-hj ,suggestions for girls1 #ha ,powers1 ,john1 #hi ,pregnancy1 #aia ,premarital sexual relations1 #fc ,arguments for and against1 #fe-fg ,percentage of1 #fc ,reasons for increase1 #fd ,previous divorce1 #afa ,promiscuity1 #fg-fh ,psychoneurosis1 #aeh-afj1 #ahj-aha ,pyle1 ,ernie1 #age ,relatives1 clinging1 #aeb ,responsibility in marriage1 #aei ,sadism1 #ga ,self-confidence1 importance of1 #ij ,services1 ,counseling1 #aef ,sex1 ,abnormal outlets1 #gj-ga ,desire and its origin1 #ee-ef ,development1 #ef-eg ,importance of1 #ahi-aij ,maladjustment1 #ef-eg ,peak of sexual vigor1 #fe ,release from tensions1 #fi-gj ,repressions unlearned1 #fj-fa ,tensions1 #fh ,three phases of sexual experience1 #aia-aib ,sexual adjustment1 #aij ,tension reduction1 #bjj ,terman1 ,dr4 ,l4 ,m41 #fc1 #ih-ajj1 #aic ,veterans1 ,desire for marriage1 #ba ,precautions to consider1 #ahj ,subconscious conflicts1 #age ,traits gained by war experience1 #agd ,war injuries1 #agh-agi ,vocational trouble makers1 #afh-agc ,voyeurism1 #gj ,wedding1 #aie ,wives1 happy and unhappy1 #ih ,,transcriber',s ,,note ,italic text is denoted by underscores4 ,bold text is denoted by equal signs4 ,obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within the text and consultation of external sources4 ,except for those changes noted below1 all misspellings in the text1 and inconsistent or archaic usage1 have been retained4 ,pg #fj3 #8,extensive psychotherepy may' replaced by #8,extensive psychotherapy may'4 ,pg #fd3 #8complete physical infirmary' replaced by #8complete physical intimacy'4 ,pg #fh3 #8them such exprestion' replaced by #8them such expression'4 ,pg #gf3 #8for real archievement' replaced by #8for real achievement'4 ,pg #ij3 #8or saxaphone playing' replaced by #8or saxophone playing'4 ,pg #abj3 #8in marriage haappiness' replaced by #8in marriage happiness'4 ,pg #acd3 #8critical and gossippy' replaced by #8critical and gossipy'4 ,pg #aea3 #8shed all responsibilites' replaced by #8shed all responsibilities'4 ,pg #aeh3 #8of mental funtion' replaced by #8of mental function'4 ,pg #agd3 #8perseverence and patience' replaced by #8perseverance and patience'4 ,pg #agh3 #8glamorous because glamor' replaced by #8glamorous because glamour'4 ,pg #bja3 #8expertely prepared and' replaced by #8expertly prepared and'4 ,pg #bjb3 #8each other's opinons' replaced by #8each other's opinions'4