,,the ,,works ,,of ,,lucian ,,of ,,samosata ,complete with exceptions specified in the preface ,,translated ,,by ,h4 ,w4 ,,fowler ,,and ,f4 ,g4 ,,fowler ,,in ,,four ,,volumes ,what work nobler than transplanting foreign thought into the barren domestic soil8 except indeed planting thought of your own1 which the fewest are privileged to do4--,sartor ,resartus4 ,at each flaw1 be this your first thought3 the author doubtless said something quite different1 and much more to the point4 ,and then you may hiss me off1 if you will4--,,lucian1 ,nigrinus1 #i4 7,,lucian7 ,the last great master of ,attic eloquence and ,attic wit4--,lord ,macaulay4 ,,volume ,,ii ,,contents ,,of ,,vol4 ,,ii ,,the ,,dependent ,,scholar ,,apology ,,for ',,the ,,dependent ,,scholar' ,a ,,slip ,,of ,,the ,,tongue ,,in ,,salutation ,,hermotimus1 ,,or ,,the ,,rival ,,philosophies ,,herodotus ,,and ,,aetion ,,zeuxis ,,and ,,antiochus ,,harmonides ,,the ,,scythian ,,the ,,way ,,to ,,write ,,history ,,the ,,true ,,history ,,the ,,tyrannicide ,,the ,,disinherited ,,phalaris1 ,i ,,phalaris1 ,,ii ,,alexander ,,the ,,oracle-,,monger ,,of ,,pantomime ,,lexiphanes ,,the ,,dependent ,,scholar ,the dependent scholar6 ,the great man's licensed friend6--if friend1 not slave1 is to be the word4 ,believe me1 ,timocles1 amid the humiliation and drudgery of his lot1 ,i know not where to turn for a beginning4 ,many1 if not most1 of his hardships are familiar to me2 not1 heaven knows1 from personal experience1 for ,i have never been reduced to such extremity1 and pray that ,i never may be2 but from the lips of numerous victims2 from the bitter outcries of those who were yet in the snare1 and the complacent recollections of others who1 like escaped prisoners1 found a pleasure in detailing all that they had been through4 ,the evidence of the latter was particularly valuable4 ,mystics1 as it were1 of the highest grade1 ,dependency had no secrets for them4 ,accordingly1 it was with keen interest that ,i listened to their stories of miraculous deliverance from moral shipwreck4 ,they reminded me of the mariners who1 duly cropped1 gather at the doors of a temple1 with their tale of stormy seas and monster waves and promontories1 castings out of cargoes1 snappings of masts1 shatterings of rudders2 ending with the appearance of those twin brethren ,footnote3 ,the ,dioscuri1 ,castor and ,pollux1 who were supposed to appear to sailors in distress4 so indispensable to nautical story1 or of some other deus ex machina1 who1 seated at the masthead or standing at the helm1 guides the vessel to some sandy shore1 there to break up at her leisure--not before her crew 7so benevolent is the ,god67 have effected a safe landing4 ,the mariner1 however1 is liberal in embellishment1 being prompted thereto by the exigencies of his situation2 for by his appearance as a favourite of heaven1 not merely a victim of fortune1 the number of the charitable is increased4 ,it is otherwise with those whose narrative is of domestic storms1 of billows rising mountain high 7if so ,i may phrase it7 within four walls4 ,they tell us of the seductive calm that first lured them on to those waters1 of the sufferings they endured throughout the voyage1 the thirst1 the sea-sickness1 the briny drenchings2 and how at last their luckless craft went to pieces upon some hidden reef or at the foot of some steep crag1 leaving them to swim for it1 and to land naked and utterly destitute4 ,all this they tell us3 but ,i have ever suspected them of having convenient lapses of memory1 and omitting the worst part for very shame4 ,for myself1 ,i shall have no such scruple4 ,all that ,i have heard1 or can reasonably infer1 of the evils of dependence1 ,i shall place before you4 ,for either1 friend1 my penetration is at fault1 or you have long had a hankering for this profession4 ,yes1 ,i have seen it from the first1 whenever the conversation has fallen on this subject of salaried intellects4 ',happy men6' some enthusiast has cried4 ',the elite of ,rome are their friends4 ,they dine sumptuously1 and call for no reckoning4 ,they are lodged splendidly1 and travel comfortably--nay1 luxuriously--with cushions at their backs1 and as often as not a fine pair of creams in front of them4 ,and1 as if this were not enough1 the friendship they enjoy and the handsome treatment they receive is made good to them with a substantial salary4 ,they sow not1 they plough not2 yet all things grow for their use4' ,how ,i have seen you prick up your ears at such words as these6 ,how wide your mouth has opened to the bait6 ,now ,i will have a clear conscience in this matter4 ,i will not be told hereafter that ,i saw you swallowing this palpable bait1 and never stirred a finger to snatch it from you1 and show you the hook while there was yet time2 that ,i watched you nibbling1 saw the hook well in and the fish hauled up1 and then stood by shedding useless tears4 ,a grave charge1 indeed1 were ,i to leave it in your power to bring it2 such neglect would admit of no palliation4 ,you shall therefore hear the whole truth4 ,now1 in leisurely fashion1 from without1 not hereafter from within1 shall you examine this weel from which no fish escapes4 ,you shall take in hand this hook of subtle barb4 ,you shall try the prongs of this eel-spear against your inflated cheek2 and if you decide that they are not sharp1 that they would be easily evaded1 that a wound from them would be no great matter1 that they are deficient in power and grasp--then write me among those who have cowardice to thank for their empty bellies2 and for yourself1 take heart of grace1 and swoop upon your prey1 and cormorant-wise1 if you will1 swallow all at a gulp4 ,but however much the present treatise is indebted to you for its existence1 its application is not confined to you who are philosophers1 whose ambition it is to form your conduct upon serious principles2 it extends to the teachers of literature1 of rhetoric1 of music1--to all1 in short1 whose intellectual attainments can command a maintenance and a wage4 ,and where the life1 from beginning to end1 is one and the same for all1 the philosopher 7,i need not say71 so far from being a privileged person1 has but the additional ignominy of being levelled with the rest1 and treated by his paymaster with as scant ceremony as the rest4 ,in conclusion1 whatever disclosures ,i may be led to make1 the blame must fall in the first instance on the aggressors1 and in the second instance on those who suffer the aggression4 ,for me1 unless truth and candour be crimes1 ,i am blameless4 ,as to the vulgar rabble of trainers and toadies1 illiterate1 mean-souled creatures1 born to obscurity1 should we attempt to dissuade them from such pursuits1 our labour would be wasted4 ,nor can we fairly blame them1 for putting up any affront1 rather than part with their employers4 ,the life suits them2 they are in their element4 ,and what other channel is there1 into which their energies could be directed8 ,take away this1 their sole vocation1 and they are idle cumberers of the earth4 ,they have nothing1 then1 to complain of2 nor are their employers unreasonable in turning these humble vessels to the use for which they were designed4 ,they come into a house prepared for such treatment from the first2 it is their profession to endure and suffer wrong4 ,but the case of educated men1 such as ,i have mentioned above1 is another matter2 it calls for our indignation1 and for our utmost endeavours to restore them to liberty4 ,i think it will not be amiss1 if ,i first examine into the provocations under which they turn to a life of dependence4 ,by showing how trivial1 how inadequate these provocations are1 ,i shall forestall the main argument used by the defenders of voluntary servitude4 ,most of them are content to cloak their desertion under the names of ,poverty and ,necessity4 ,it is enough1 they think1 to plead in extenuation1 that they sought to flee from this greatest of human ills1 ,poverty4 ,theognis comes pat to their purpose4 ,his ,poverty1 soul-subduing ,poverty1 is in continual requisition1 together with other fearful utterances of our most degenerate poets to the same effect4 ,now if ,i could see that they really found an escape from poverty in the lives they lead1 ,i would not be too nice on the point of absolute freedom4 ,but when we find them 7to use the expression of a famous orator7 'faring like men that are sick1' what conclusion is then left to us to draw8 ,what but this1 that here again they have been misled1 the very evil which they sold their liberty to escape remaining as it was8 ,poverty unending is their lot4 ,from the bare pittance they receive nothing can be set apart4 ,suppose it paid1 and paid in full3 the whole sum is swallowed up to the last farthing1 before their necessities are supplied4 ,i would advise them to think upon better expedients2 not such as are merely the protectors and accomplices of ,poverty1 but such as will make an end of her altogether4 ,what say you1 ,theognis8 ,might this be a case for1 ,steep plunge from crags into the teeming deep8 ,for when a pauper1 a needy hireling1 persuades himself that by being what he is he has escaped poverty1 one cannot avoid the conclusion that he labours under some mistake4 ,others tell a different tale4 ,for them1 mere poverty would have had no terrors1 had they been able1 like other men1 to earn their bread by their labours4 ,but1 stricken as they were by age or infirmity1 they turned to this as the easiest way of making a living4 ,now let us consider whether they are right4 ,this 'easy' way may be found to involve much labour before it yields any return2 more labour perhaps than any other4 ,to find money ready to one's hand1 without toil or trouble on one's own part1 would indeed be a dream of happiness4 ,but the facts are otherwise4 ,the toils and troubles of their situation are such as no words can adequately describe4 ,health1 as it turns out1 is nowhere more essential than in this vocation1 in which a thousand daily labours combine to grind the victim down1 and reduce him to utter exhaustion4 ,these ,i shall describe in due course1 when ,i come to speak of their other grievances4 ,for the present let it suffice to have shown that this excuse for the sale of one's liberty is as untenable as the former4 ,and now for the true reason1 which you will never hear from their lips4 ,voluptuousness and a whole pack of desires are what induce them to force their way into great houses4 ,the dazzling spectacle of abundant gold and silver1 the joys of high feeding and luxurious living1 the immediate prospect of wallowing in riches1 with no man to say them nay1--these are the temptations that lure them on1 and make slaves of free men2 not lack of the necessaries of life1 as they pretend1 but lust of its superfluities1 greed of its costly refinements4 ,and their employers1 like finished coquettes1 exercise their rigours upon these hapless slaves of love1 and keep them for ever dangling in amorous attendance2 but for fruition1 no6 never so much as a kiss may they snatch4 ,to grant that would be to give the lover his release1 a conclusion against which they are jealously on their guard4 ,but upon hopes he is abundantly fed4 ,despair might else cure his ardent passion1 and the lover be lover no more4 ,so there are smiles for him1 and promises2 always something shall be done1 some favour shall be granted1 a handsome provision shall be made for him1--some day4 ,meanwhile1 old age steals upon the pair2 the superannuated lover ceases from desire1 and his mistress has nothing left to give4 ,life has gone by1 and all they have to show for it is hope4 ,well now1 that a man for the sake of pleasure should put up with every hardship is perhaps no great matter4 ,devoted to this one object1 he can think of nothing1 but how to procure it4 ,let that pass4 ,though it seems but a scurvy bargain1 a bargain for a slave2 to sell one's liberty for pleasures far less pleasant than liberty itself4 ,still1 as ,i say1 let that pass1 provided the price is paid4 ,but to endure unlimited pain1 merely in the hope that pleasure may come of it1 this surely is carrying folly to the height of absurdity4 ,and men do it with their eyes open4 ,the hardships1 they know1 are certain1 unmistakable1 inevitable4 ,as to the pleasure1 that vague1 hypothetic pleasure1 they have never had it in all these years1 and in all reasonable probability they never will4 ,the comrades of ,odysseus forgot all else in the ,lotus3 but it was while they were tasting its sweets4 ,they esteemed lightly of ,honour3 but it was in the immediate presence of ,pleasure4 ,in men so occupied1 such forgetfulness was not wholly unnatural4 ,but to dwell a prisoner1 with ,famine for company1 to watch one's neighbour fattening on the ,lotus1 and keeping it all to himself1 and to forget ,honour and ,virtue in the bare prospect of a possible mouthful1--by ,heaven1 it is too absurd1 and calls in good truth for ,homeric scourgings4 ,such1 as nearly as ,i can describe them1 are men's motives for taking service with the rich1 for handing themselves over bodily1 to be used as their employers think fit4 ,there is one class1 however1 of which ,i ought perhaps to make mention--those whose vanity is gratified by the mere fact of being seen in the company of well-born and well-dressed men4 ,for there are those who consider this a distinguished privilege2 though for my own part ,i would not give a fig to enjoy and to be seen enjoying the company of the ,king of ,persia1 if ,i was to get nothing by it4 ,and now1 since we understand what it is that these men would be at1 let us mentally review their whole career2--the difficulties that beset the applicant before he gains acceptance2 his condition when he is duly installed in his office2 and the closing scene of his life's drama4 ,you may perhaps suppose that his situation1 whatever its drawbacks1 is at least attainable without much trouble2 that you have but to will it1 and the thing is done in a trice4 ,far from it4 ,much tramping about is in store for you1 much kicking of heels4 ,you will rise early1 and stand long before your patron's closed door2 you will be jostled2 you will hear occasional comments on your impudence4 ,you will be exposed to the vile gabble of a ,syrian porter1 and to the extortions of a ,libyan nomenclator1 whose memory must be fee'd1 if he is not to forget your name4 ,you must dress beyond your means1 or you will be a discredit to your patron2 and select his favourite colours1 or you will be out of harmony with your surroundings4 ,finally1 you will be indefatigable in following his steps1 or rather in preceding them1 for you will be thrust forward by his slaves1 to swell his triumphal progress4 ,and for days together you will not be favoured with a glance4 ,but one day the best befalls you4 ,you catch his eye2 he beckons you to him1 and puts a random question4 ,in that supreme moment what cold sweats1 what palpitations1 what untimely tremors are yours6 and what mirth is theirs who witness your confusion6 ',who was the king of the ,achaeans8' is the question3 and your answer1 as likely as not1 ',a thousand sail4' ,with the charitable this passes for bashfulness2 but to the impudent you are a craven1 and to the ill-natured a yokel4 ,this first experience teaches you that the condescensions of the great are not unattended with danger2 and as you depart you pronounce upon yourself a sentence of utter despair4 ,thereafter1 many a sleepless night1 ,many a day of strife shall be thy lot-- not for the sake of ,helen1 not for the towers of ,troy1 but for the sevenpence halfpenny of your desire4 ,at length some heaven-sent protector gives you an introduction3 the scholar is brought up for examination4 ,for the great man1 who has but to receive your flatteries and compliments1 this is an agreeable pastime3 for you1 it is a life-and-death struggle2 all is hazarded on the one throw4 ,for it will of course occur to you1 that if you are rejected at the first trial1 you will never pass current with any one else4 ,a thousand different feelings now distract you4 ,you are jealous of your rivals 7for we will assume that there is competition for the post72 you are dissatisfied with your own replies2 you hope2 you fear2 you cannot remove your eye from the countenance of your judge4 ,does he pooh-pooh your efforts8 ,you are a lost man4 ,was that a smile8 ,you rejoice1 and hope rises high4 ,it is only to be expected1 that many of the company are your enemies1 and others your rivals1 and each has his secret shaft to let fly at you from his lurking-place4 ,what a picture6 ,the venerable grey-beard being put through his paces4 ,is he any use8 ,some say yes1 others no4 ,time is taken for consideration4 ,your antecedents are industriously overhauled4 ,some envious compatriot1 some neighbour with a trivial grievance1 is asked his opinion2 he has but to drop a word of 'loose morality1' and your business is done2 'the man speaks ,god's truth6' ,every one else may testify to your character3 their evidence proves nothing2 they are suspected2 they are venal4 ,the fact is1 you must gain every point2 there must be no hitch anywhere4 ,that is your only chance of success4 ,and now1 take it that you have succeeded--beyond all expectation4 ,your words have found favour with the great man4 ,those friends1 by whose judgement in such matters he sets most store1 have made no attempt to alter his decision4 ,his wife approves his choice2 the steward and the major-domo have neither of them anything against you4 ,no aspersions have been cast on your character2 all is propitious1 every omen is in your favour4 ,hail1 mighty conqueror1 wreathed in the ,olympian garland6 ,babylon is yours1 ,sardis falls before you4 ,the horn of plenty is within your grasp2 pigeons shall yield you milk4 ,now1 if your crown is to be of anything better than leaves1 there must be some solid benefits to compensate you for the labours you have undergone4 ,a considerable salary will be placed at your disposal1 and you will draw upon it without ceremony1 whenever you have occasion4 ,you will be a privileged person in every respect4 ,as for toils1 and muddy tramps1 and wakeful nights1 the time for those have gone by4 ,your prayers have been heard3 you will take your ease1 and sleep your fill4 ,you will do the work you were engaged to do1 and not a stroke besides4 ,this1 indeed1 is what you have a right to expect4 ,there would be no great hardship in bowing one's neck to a yoke so light1 so easy--and so superbly gilded4 ,but alas1 ,timocles1 many1 nay all of these requirements are unsatisfied4 ,your office1 now that you have got it1 is attended with a thousand details insufferable to all but slaves4 ,let me rehearse them to you2 you shall judge for yourself whether any man with the slightest pretence to culture would endure such treatment4 ,let me begin with your first invitation to dinner1 which may reasonably be expected to follow1 as an earnest of the patronage to come4 ,it is brought to you by a most communicative slave1 whose goodwill it must be your first care to secure4 ,five shillings is the least you can slip into his palm1 if you would do the thing properly4 ,he has scruples4 ',really1 sir--couldn't think of it2 no1 indeed1 sir4' ,but he is prevailed upon at last1 and goes off1 grinning from ear to ear4 ,you then look out your best clothes1 have your bath1 make yourself as presentable as possible1 and arrive--in fear and trembling lest you should be the first1 which would wear an awkward air1 just as it savours of ostentation to arrive last4 ,accordingly you contrive to hit on the right moment1 are received with every attention1 and shown to your place1 a little above the host1 separated from him only by a couple of his intimates4 ,and now you feel as if you were in heaven4 ,you are all admiration2 everything you see done throws you into ecstasies4 ,it is all so new and strange6 ,the waiters stare at you1 the company watch your movements4 ,nor is the host without curiosity4 ,some of his servants have instructions to observe you narrowly1 lest your glance should fall too often on his wife or children4 ,the other guests' men perceive your amazement at the novel scene1 and exchange jesting asides4 ,from the fact that you do not know what to make of your napkin1 they conclude that this is your first experience of dining-out4 ,you perspire with embarrassment2 not unnaturally4 ,you are thirsty1 but you dare not ask for wine1 lest you should be thought a tippler4 ,the due connexion between the various dishes which make their appearance is beyond you3 which ought you to take first8 which next8 ,there is nothing for it but to snatch a side glance at your neighbour1 do as he does1 and learn to dine in sequence4 ,on the whole1 your feelings are mingled1 your spirit perturbed1 and stricken with awe4 ,one moment you are envying your host his gold1 his ivory1 and all his magnificence2 the next1 you are pitying yourself1--that miserable nonentity which calls its existence life2 and then at intervals comes the thought1 'how happy shall ,i be1 sharing in these splendours1 enjoying them as if they were my own6' ,for you conceive of your future life as one continual feast2 and the smiling attendance of gracious ,ganymedes gives a charming finish to the picture4 ,that line of ,homer keeps coming to your lips3 ,small blame to ,trojan or to greaved ,achaean1 if such happiness as this was to be the reward of their toils and sufferings4 ,presently healths are drunk4 ,the host calls for a large beaker1 and drinks to 'the ,professor1' or whatever your title is to be4 ,you1 in your innocence1 do not know that you ought to say something in reply2 you receive the cup in silence1 and are set down as a boor4 ,apart from this1 your host's pledge has secured you the enmity of many of his old friends1 with some of whom it was already a grievance1 that an acquaintance of a few hours' standing should sit above men who have been drinking the cup of slavery for years4 ,tongues are busy with you at once4 ,listen to some of them4 ',so6 ,we are to give place to new-comers6 ,it wanted but this4 ,the gates of ,rome are open to none but these ,greeks4 ,now what is their claim to be set over our heads8 ,i suppose they think they are conferring a favour on us with their wordy stuff8' ',how he did drink1 to be sure6' says another4 ',and did you see how he shovelled his food down1 hand over hand8 ,mannerless starveling6 ,he has never so much as dreamt of white bread before4 ',twas the same with the capon and pheasant2 much if he left us the bones to pick6' ',my dear sirs' 7cries number three71 ',i give him five days at the outside2 after which you will see him at our end of the table1 making like moan with ourselves4 ,he is a new pair of shoes just now1 and is treated with all ceremony4 ,wait till he has been worn a few times1 and the mud has done its work2 he will be flung under the bed1 poor wretch1 like the rest of us1 to be a receptacle for bugs4' ,such are some among the many comments you excite2 and1 for all we know1 mischief may be brewing at this moment4 ,meanwhile1 you are the guest of the evening1 and the principal theme of conversation4 ,your unwonted situation has led you on to drink more than was advisable4 ,for some time you have been feeling uncomfortable effects from your host's light1 eager wine4 ,to get up before the rest would be bad manners3 to remain is perilous4 ,the drinking is prolonged2 subject upon subject is started1 spectacle after spectacle is produced2 for your host is determined that you shall see all he has to show4 ,you suffer the torments of the damned4 ,you see nothing of what is going forward3 some favourite singer or musician is performing--you hear him not2 and while you force out some complimentary phrase1 you are praying that an earthquake may swallow up all1 or that the news of a fire may break up the party4 ,such1 my friend1 is your first dinner1 the best you will ever get4 ,for my part1 give me a dinner of herbs1 with liberty to eat when ,i will and as much as ,i will4 ,i shall spare you the recital of the nocturnal woes that follow your excess4 ,the next morning1 you have to come to terms as to the amount of your salary1 and the times of payment4 ,appearing in answer to his summons1 you find two or three friends with him4 ,he bids you be seated1 and begins to speak4 ',you have now seen the sort of way in which we live--no ostentation1 no fuss2 everything quite plain and ordinary4 ,now you will consider everything here as your own4 ,it would be a strange thing1 indeed1 were ,i to entrust you with the highest responsibility of all1 the moral guidance of myself and my children'--if there are children to be taught--'and yet hesitate to place the rest at your disposal4 ,something1 however1 must be settled4 ,i know your moderate1 independent spirit4 ,i quite realize that you come to us from no mercenary motive1 that you are influenced only by the regard and uniform respect which will be assured to you in this house4 ,still1 as ,i say1 something must be settled4 ,now1 my dear sir1 tell me yourself1 what you think right2 remembering that there is something to be expected at the great festivals2 for you will not find me remiss in that respect1 though ,i say nothing definite at present2 and these occasions1 as you know1 come pretty frequently in the course of the year4 ,this consideration will no doubt influence you in settling the amount of your salary2 and apart from that1 it sits well on men of culture like yourself1 to be above the thought of money4' ,your hopes are blasted at the words1 and your proud spirit is tamed4 ,the dream of the millionaire and landed proprietor fades away1 as you gradually catch his parsimonious drift4 ,yet you smirk appreciation of the promise4 ,you are to 'consider everything as your own'2 there1 surely1 is something solid8 ',tis a draught 7did you but know it7 ,that wets the lips1 but leaves the palate dry4 ,after an interval of embarrassment1 you leave the matter to his decision4 ,he declines the responsibility1 and calls for the intervention of one of the company3 let him name a sum1 at once worthy of your acceptance1 and not burdensome to his purse1 which has so many more urgent calls upon it4 ',sir1' says this officious old gentleman1 who has been a toady from his youth1 ',sir1 you are the luckiest man in ,rome4 ,deny it if you can6 ,you have gained a privilege which many a man has longed for1 and is not like to obtain at ,fortune's hands4 ,you have been admitted to enjoy the company and share the hearth and home of the first citizen of our empire4 ,used aright1 such a privilege will be more to you than the wealth of a ,croesus or a ,midas4 ,knowing as ,i do how many there are--persons of high standing --who would be glad to pay money down1 merely for the honour and glory of the acquaintanceship1 of being seen in his company1 and ranking as his friends and intimates1--knowing this1 ,i am at a loss for words in which to express my sense of your good fortune4 ,you are not only to enjoy this happiness1 but to be paid for enjoying it6 ,under the circumstances1 ,i think we shall satisfy your most extravagant expectations1 if we say'-- and he names a sum which in itself is of the smallest1 quite apart from all reference to your brilliant hopes4 ,however1 there is nothing for it but to submit with a good grace4 ,it is too late now for escape2 you are in the toils4 ,so you open your mouth for the bit1 and are very manageable from the first4 ,you give your rider no occasion to keep a tight rein1 or to use the spur2 and at last by imperceptible degrees you are quite broken in to him4 ,the outside world from that time watches you with envy4 ,you dwell within his courts2 you have free access2 you are become a person of consequence4 ,yet it is now incomprehensible to you how they can suppose you to be happy4 ,at the same time1 you are not without a certain exultation3 you cheat yourself from day to day with the thought that there are better things to come4 ,quite the contrary turns out to be the case4 ,your prospects1 like the proverbial sacrifice of ,mandrobulus1 dwindle and contract from day to day4 ,gradually you get some faint glimmerings of the truth4 ,it begins to dawn upon you at last1 that those golden hopes were neither more nor less than gilded bubbles3 the vexations1 on the other hand1 are realities2 solid1 abiding1 uncompromising realities4 ',and what are these vexations8' you will perhaps exclaim2 ',i see nothing so vexatious about the matter2 ,i know not what are the hardships and the drudgery alluded to4' ,then listen4 ,and do not confine yourself to the article of drudgery1 but keep a sharp look-out for ignominy1 for degradation1 for everything1 in short1 that is unworthy of a free man4 ,let me remind you then1 to begin with1 that you are no longer free-born1 no longer a man of family4 ,birth1 freedom1 ancestry1 all these you will leave on the other side of the door1 when you enter upon the fulfilment of your servile contract2 for ,freedom will never bear you company in that ignoble station4 ,you are a slave1 wince as you may at the word2 and1 be assured1 a slave of many masters2 a downward-looking drudge1 from morning till night serving for sorry wage4 ,then again1 you are a backward pupil3 ,servitude was not the nurse of your childhood2 you are getting on in years when she takes you in hand2 accordingly1 you will do her little credit1 and give little satisfaction to your lord4 ,recollections of ,freedom will exercise their demoralizing influence upon you1 causing you to jib at times1 and you will make villanous work of your new profession4 ,or will your aspirations after ,freedom be satisfied1 perhaps1 with the thought1 that you are no son of a ,pyrrhias or a ,zopyrion1 no ,bithynian1 to be knocked down under the hammer of a bawling auctioneer8 ,my dear sir1 when pay-day comes round each month1 and you mingle in the herd of ,pyrrhiases and ,zopyrions1 and hold out your hand for the wage that is due to you1 what is that but a sale8 ,no need of an auctioneer1 for the man who can cry his own wares1 and hawks his liberty about from day to day4 ,wretch6 7one is prompted to exclaim1 and particularly when the culprit is a professed philosopher7 ,wretch6 ,were you captured and sold by a pirate or a brigand1 you would bewail your lot1 and think that ,fortune had dealt hardly with you4 ,were a man to lay violent hands on you1 and claim a master's rights in you1 loud and bitter would be your outcry3 ',by heaven and earth1 'tis monstrous6 ,i appeal to the laws6' ,and now1 at an age at which a born slave may begin to look towards ,freedom1 now for a few pence do you sell yourself1 your virtue and wisdom1 in one parcel8 ,and could ,plato's noble words1 could all that ,chrysippus and ,aristotle have said1 of the blessings of freedom and the curse of slavery1 raise no compunction in you8 ,do you count it no shame to be pitted against toadies and vulgar parasites8 no shame to sit at the noisy banquets of a promiscuous1 and for the most part a disreputable company1 a ,greek among ,romans1 wearing the foreign garb of philosophy1 and stammering their tongue with a foreign accent8 ,how fulsome are your flatteries on these occasions6 how indecent your tipplings6 ,and next morning the bell rings1 and up you must get1 losing the best of your sleep1 to trudge up and down with yesterday's mud still on your shoes4 ,were lupines and wild herbs so scarce with you8 had the springs ceased to give their wonted supply1 that you were brought to such a pass8 ,no1 the cause of your captivity is too clear4 ,not water1 not lupines were the object of your desire1 but dainty viands and fragrant wines2 and your sin has found you out3 you are hooked like a pike by your greedy jaws4 ,we have not far to look for the reward of gluttony4 ,like a monkey with a collar about its neck1 you are kept to make amusement for the company2 fancying yourself supremely happy1 because you are unstinted in the matter of dried figs4 ,as to freedom and generosity1 they are fled1 with the memories of ,greece1 and have left no trace behind them4 ,and would that that were all1 the disgrace of falling from freedom to servitude6 ,would that your employments were not those of a very menial6 ,consider3 are your duties any lighter than those of a ,dromo or a ,tibius8 ,as to the studies in which your employer professed an interest when he engaged you1 they are nothing to him4 ,shall an ass affect the lyre8 ,remove from these men's minds the gold and the silver1 with the cares that these involve1 and what remains8 ,pride1 luxury1 sensuality1 insolence1 wantonness1 ignorance4 ,consuming must be their desire1 doubt it not1 for the wisdom of ,homer1 the eloquence of ,demosthenes1 the sublimity of ,plato6 ,no1 your employer has no need of your services in this direction4 ,on the other hand1 you have a long beard and a venerable countenance2 the ,grecian cloak hangs admirably upon your shoulders1 and you are known to be a professor of rhetoric1 or literature1 or philosophy2 it will not be amiss1 he thinks1 to have such pursuits represented in the numerous retinue that marches before him4 ,it will give him an air of ,grecian culture1 of liberal curiosity in fact4 ,friend1 friend6 your stock-in- trade would seem to be not words of wisdom1 but a cloak and a beard4 ,if you would do your duty1 therefore1 be always well in evidence2 begin your unfailing attendance from the early hours of the morning1 and never quit his side4 ,now and again he places a hand upon your shoulder1 and mutters some nonsense for the benefit of the passers-by1 who are to understand that though he walk abroad the ,muses are not forgotten1 that in all his comings and goings he can find elegant employment for his mind4 ,breathless and perspiring1 you trot1 a pitiable spectacle1 at the litter's side2 or if he walks--you know what ,rome is--1 up hill and down dale after him you tramp4 ,while he is paying a call on a friend1 you are left outside1 where1 for lack of a seat1 you are fain to take out your book and read standing4 ,night finds you hungry and thirsty4 ,you snatch an apology for a bath2 and it is midnight or near it before you get to dinner4 ,you are no longer an honoured guest2 no longer do you engage the attention of the company4 ,you have retired to make room for some newer capture4 ,thrust into the most obscure corner1 you sit watching the progress of dinner1 gnawing in canine sort any bones that come down to you and regaling yourself with hungry zest on such tough mallow-leaves--the wrappers of daintier fare-- as may escape the vigilance of those who sit above you4 ,no slight is wanting4 ,you have not so much as an egg to call your own2 for there is no reason why you should expect to be treated in the same way as a stranger2 that would be absurd4 ,the birds that fall to your lot are not like other birds4 ,your neighbour gets some plump1 luscious affair2 you1 a poor half- chicken1 or lean pigeon1 an insult1 a positive outrage in poultry4 ,as often as not1 an extra guest appears unexpectedly1 and the waiter solves the difficulty by removing your share 7with the whispered consolation that you are 'one of the family'71 and placing it before the new-comer4 ,when the joint1 be it pork or venison1 is brought in to be carved1 let us hope that you stand well with the carver1 or you will receive a ,promethean helping of 'bones wrapped up in fat4' ,and the way in which a dish is whisked past you1 after remaining with your neighbour till he can eat no more6--what free man would endure it1 though he were as innocent of gall as any stag8 ,and ,i have said nothing yet of the wine4 ,while the other guests are drinking of some rare old vintage1 you have vile thick stuff1 whose colour you must industriously conceal with the help of a gold or silver cup1 lest it should betray the estimation in which the drinker is held4 ,it would be something if you could get enough even of this4 ,alas6 you may call and call3 the waiter is as one that marketh not4 ,many are your grievances2 nay1 all is one huge grievance4 ,and the climax is reached1 when you find yourself eclipsed by some minion1 some dancing- master1 some vile ,alexandrian patterer of ,ionic lays4 ,how should you hope to rank with the minister of ,love's pleasures1 with the stealthy conveyer of billets-doux8 ,you cower shamefaced in your corner1 and bewail your hard lot1 as well you may2 cursing your luck that you have never a smattering of such graceful accomplishments yourself4 ,i believe you wish that you could turn love-songs1 or sing other men's with a good grace2 perceiving as you do what a thing it is to be in request4 ,nay1 you could find it in you to play the wizard's1 the fortune-teller's part2 to deal in thrones and in millions of money4 ,for these1 too1 you observe1 make their way in the world1 and are high in favour4 ,gladly would you enter on any one of these vocations1 rather than be a useless castaway4 ,alas1 even these are beyond you2 you lack plausibility4 ,it remains for you to give place to others2 to endure neglect1 and keep your complaints to yourself4 ,nay1 more4 ,should some slave whisper that you alone withheld your praise1 when his mistress's favourite danced or played1 the neglect may cost you dear4 ,then let your dry throat be as busy as any thirsty frog's4 ,see to it1 that your voice is heard leading the chorus of applause2 and time after time1 when all else are silent1 throw in some studied servile compliment4 ,the situation is not without humour4 ,hungry as you are1 ay1 and thirsty into the bargain1 you must anoint yourself with oil of gladness1 and crown your head with garlands4 ,it reminds one of the offerings made by recent mourners at a tomb4 ,the tomb gets the ointment and the garlands1 while the mourners drink and enjoy the feast4 ,if your patron is of a jealous disposition1 and has a young wife or handsome children1 and you are not wholly without personal attractions1 then beware6 you are on dangerous ground4 ,many are the ears of a king1 and many the eyes1 that see not the truth only1 but ever something over and above the truth1 lest they should seem to fail of their office4 ,imagine yourself1 therefore1 at a ,persian banquet4 ,keep your eyes downwards1 lest a eunuch should catch them resting on one of the concubines4 ,for see1 there stands another with his bow ever on the stretch3 one glance at the forbidden object as you raise your cup1 and his arrow is through your jaw before you can put it down4 ,and now dinner is over2 you retire1 and snatch a little sleep4 ,but at cock-crow you are aroused4 ',wretch6 ,worm that ,i am6' you exclaim4 ',to sacrifice the pursuits1 the society of former days1 the placid life wherein sleep was measured by inclination1 and my comings and goings were unfettered1 and all to precipitate myself bodily into this hideous gulf6 ,and why8 ,what1 in ,god's name1 is my glorious recompense8 ,was there no other way8 ,could ,i not have provided for myself better than this1 and preserved liberty and free-will into the bargain8 ,alas6 the lion is fast bound in the net4 ,i am haled hither and thither4 ,pitiable is my lot1 where no honour is to be won1 no favour to be hoped for4 ,untaught1 unpractised in the arts of flattery1 ,i am pitted against professionals4 ,i am no choice spirit1 no jolly companion2 to raise a laugh is beyond me4 ,my presence 7well do ,i know it7 is a vexation to my patron1 and then most when he is in his most gracious mood4 ,he finds me sullen2 and how to attune myself to him ,i know not4 ,if ,i wear a grim face1 ,i am a sour fellow1 scarcely to be endured4 ,if ,i assume my most cheerful expression1 my smiles arouse his contempt and disgust4 ,as well attempt to act a comic part in the mask of tragedy6 ,and what is the end of it all8 ,my present life has been another's3 do ,i look to have a new life which shall be my own8' ,your soliloquy is interrupted by the bell4 ,the old routine awaits you3 you must trudge1 and you must stand2 and first anoint your limbs1 if you would hold out to the end4 ,dinner will be the same as ever1 and go on as late as ever4 ,the change from all your former habits1 the wakeful night1 the violent exercise1 the exhaustion1 are slowly undermining your health at this moment1 and preparing you for consumption or colic1 for asthma or the delights of gout4 ,however1 you hold out in spite of all1 though many a time your right place would be in bed4 ,but that would never do3 that looks like shamming1 like shirking your work4 ,the result is that you grow as pallid as a man at the point of death4 ,so much for your city life4 ,and now for an excursion into the country4 ,i will content myself with a single detail4 ,as likely as not it is a wet day4 ,your turn for the carriage 7as might be expected7 comes last4 ,you wait and wait1 till at last its return is out of the question1 and you are squeezed into some vehicle with the cook1 or with my lady's friseur1 without even a proper allowance of straw4 ,i shall make no scruple of relating to you an experience of ,thesmopolis the ,stoic1 which ,i had from his own mouth2 a most amusing incident1 and just the sort of thing one might expect to find happening again4 ,he was in the service of a certain wealthy and luxurious lady of quality1 whom on one occasion he had to accompany on a journey from ,rome4 ,the fun began at once4 ,the philosopher received as his travelling companion a beardless exquisite of the pitch-plastering persuasion1 by whom1 you may be certain1 my lady set great store2 his name1 she informed the philosopher1 was ',robinetta4' ,is not this a promising start8--the grave and reverend ,thesmopolis1 with his hoary beard 7you know what a long1 venerable affair it is71 side by side with this rouged and painted ogler1 whose drooping neck and plucked throat suggested the vulture rather than the robin6 ',twas all that ,thesmopolis could do to persuade him not to wear his hair-net2 and as it was he had a sad journey of it1 with the fellow singing and whistling all the time--,i daresay he would have danced there and then1 if ,thesmopolis had not prevented him4 ,but there was more to come1 as you will see4 ',thesmopolis1' cries my lady1 calling him to her1 ',i have a great favour to ask of you2 now please don't say no1 and don't wait to be asked twice1 there's a good creature4' ,of course1 he said he would do anything she wished4 ',i only ask you1 because ,i know you are to be trusted2 you are so good-natured and affectionate6 ,i want you to take my little dog ,myrrhina in with you1 and see that she wants for nothing4 ,poor little lady6 she is soon to become a mother4 ,these hateful1 inattentive servants take no notice of me when we are travelling1 much less of her4 ,you will be doing me a great kindness1 ,i assure you1 in taking charge of her2 ,i am so fond of the sweet little pet6' ,she prayed and almost wept2 and ,thesmopolis promised4 ,imagine the ludicrous picture4 ,the little beast peeping out from beneath the philosophic cloak2 within licking distance of that beard1 which perhaps still held traces of the thick soup of yesterday2 yapping away with its shrill pipe of a voice1 as ,maltese terriers will2 and no doubt taking other liberties1 which ,thesmopolis did not think worth mentioning4 ,that night at dinner1 the exquisite1 his fellow traveller1 after cracking a passable joke here and there at the expense of the other guests1 came to ,thesmopolis4 ',of him1' he remarked1 ',i have only this to say1 that our ,stoic has turned ,cynic4' ,according to what ,i heard1 the little animal actually littered in his mantle6 ,such are the caprices1 nay1 the insults1 let me rather say1 with which the patron gradually breaks the spirit of his dependants4 ,i know myself of an orator1 a very free speaker1 who was actually ordered to stand up and deliver a speech at table2 and a masterly speech it was1 trenchant and terse4 ,he received the congratulations of the company on being timed by a wine--instead of a water-clock2 and this affront1 it is said1 he was content to put up1 for the consideration of #h pounds4 ,but what of that8 ,wait till you get a patron who has poetical or historical tendencies1 and spouts passages of his own works all through dinner3 you must praise1 you must flatter1 you must devise original compliments for him1--or die in the attempt4 ,then there are the beaux1 the ,adonises and ,hyacinths1 as you must be careful to call them1 undeterred by the eighteen inches or so of nose that some of them carry on their faces4 ,do your praises halt8 ',tis envy1 'tis treason6 ,away with you1 ,philoxenus that you are1 to ,syracusan quarries6--,let them be orators1 let them be philosophers1 if they will3 what matter for a solecism here and there8 ,find ,attic elegance1 find honey of ,hymettus in every word2 and pronounce it law henceforth1 to speak as they speak4 ,if we had only men to deal with1 it would be something3 but there are the women too4 ,for among the objects of feminine ambition is this1 of having a scholar or two in their pay1 to dance attendance at the litter's side2 it adds one more to the list of their adornments1 if they can get the reputation of culture and philosophy1 of turning a song which will bear comparison with ,sappho's4 ,so they too keep their philosopher1 their orator1 or their litterateur2 and give him audience--when1 think you8 ,why1 at the toilet1 by all that is ridiculous1 among the rouge-pots and hair-brushes2 or else at the dinner-table4 ,they have no leisure at other times4 ,as it is1 the philosopher is often interrupted by the entrance of a maid with a billet-doux4 ,virtue has then to bide her time2 for the audience will not be resumed till the gallant has his answer4 ,at rare intervals1 at the ,saturnalia or the ,feast of ,minerva1 you will be presented with a sorry cloak1 or a worn-out tunic2 and a world of ceremony will go to the presentation4 ,the first who gets wind of the great man's intention flies to you with the news of what is in store for you2 and the bringer of glad tidings does not go away empty-handed4 ,the next morning a dozen of them arrive1 conveying the present1 each with his tale of how he spoke up for you1 or the hints he threw out1 or how he was entrusted with the choice1 and chose the best4 ,not a man of them but departs with your money in his pocket1 grumbling that it is no more4 ,as to that salary1 it will be paid to you sixpence at a time1 and there will be black looks when you ask for it4 ,still1 you must get it somehow4 ,ply your patron therefore with flatteries and entreaties1 and pay due observance to his steward1 and let it be the kind of observance that stewards like best2 nor must you forget your kind introducer4 ,you do get something at last2 but it all goes to pay the tailor1 the doctor1 or the shoemaker1 and you are left the proud possessor of nothing at all4 ,meanwhile1 jealousy is rife1 and some slander is perhaps working its stealthy way to ears which are predisposed to hear anything to your discredit4 ,for your employer perceives that by this time incessant fatigues have worn you out2 you are crippled1 you are good for nothing more1 and gout is coming on4 ,all the profit that was to be had of you1 he has effectually sucked out4 ,your prime has gone by1 your bodily vigour is exhausted1 you are a tattered remnant4 ,he begins to look about for a convenient dunghill whereon to deposit you1 and for an able-bodied substitute to do your work4 ,you have attempted the honour of one of his minions3 you have been trying to corrupt his wife's maid1 venerable sinner that you are6--any accusation will serve4 ,you are gagged and turned out neck and crop into the darkness4 ,away you go1 helpless and destitute1 with gout for the cheering companion of your old age4 ,whatever you once knew1 you have unlearnt in all these years3 on the other hand1 you have developed a paunch like a balloon2 a monster insatiable1 inexorable1 which has acquired a habit of asking for more1 and likes not at all the unlearning process4 ,it is not to be supposed that any one else will give you employment1 at your age2 you are like an old horse1 whose very hide has deteriorated in value4 ,not to mention that the worst interpretation will be put upon your late dismissal2 you will be credited with adultery1 or poisoning1 or something of that kind4 ,your accuser1 you see1 is convincing even in silence2 whereas you--you are a loose- principled1 unscrupulous ,greek4 ,that is the character we ,greeks bear2 and it serves us right2 ,i see excellent grounds for the opinion they have of us4 ,greek after ,greek who enters their service sets up 7in default of any other practical knowledge7 for wizard or poisoner1 and deals in love-charms and evil spells2 and these are they who talk of culture1 who wear grey beards and philosophic cloaks6 ,when these1 who are accounted the best of us1 stand thus exposed1 when men observe their interested servility1 their gross flatteries at table and elsewhere1 it is not to be wondered at that we have all fallen under suspicion4 ,those whom they have cast off1 they hate1 and seek to make an end of them altogether2 arguing1 naturally enough1 that men who know their secrets1 and have seen them in all their nakedness1 may divulge many a foible which will not bear the light2 and the thought is torment to them4 ,the fact is1 that these great men are for all the world like handsomely bound books4 ,outside are the gilt edges and the purple cover3 and within8 a ,thyestes feasts upon his own children2 an ,oedipus commits incest with his mother2 a ,tereus woos two sisters at once4 ,such are these human books3 their brilliancy attracts all eyes1 but between the purple covers lurks many a horrid tale4 ,turn over the pages of any one of them1 and you find a drama worthy the pen of ,sophocles or ,euripides3 close the volume--all is gilt edge and exquisite tooling4 ,well may they hate the confidants of such crimes1 and plot their destruction6 ,what if the outcast should take to rehearsing in public the tragedy that he has got by heart8 ,i am minded to give you1 after the manner of ,cebes1 a life-picture of ,dependence2 with this before your eyes1 you may judge for yourself1 whether it is the life for you4 ,i would gladly call in the aid of an ,apelles or a ,parrhasius1 an ,aetion or a ,euphranor1 but no such perfect painters are to be found in these days2 ,i must sketch you the picture in outline as best ,i can4 ,i begin then with tall golden gates1 not set in the plain1 but high upon a hill4 ,long and steep and slippery is the ascent2 and many a time when a man looks to reach the top1 his foot slips1 and he is plunged headlong4 ,within the gates sits ,wealth1 a figure all of gold 7so at least she seems72 most fair1 most lovely4 ,her lover painfully scales the height1 and draws near to the door2 and that golden sight fills him with amazement4 ,the beautiful woman in gorgeous raiment who now takes him by the hand is ,hope4 ,as she leads him in1 his spirit is stricken with awe4 ,hope still shows the way2 but two others1 ,despair and ,servitude1 now take charge of him1 and conduct him to ,toil1 who grinds the poor wretch down with labour1 and at last hands him over to ,age4 ,he looks sickly now1 and all his colour is gone4 ,last comes ,contempt1 and laying violent hands on him drags him into the presence of ,despair2 it is now time for ,hope to take wing and vanish4 ,naked1 potbellied1 pale and old1 he is thrust forth1 not by those golden gates by which he entered1 but by some obscure back-passage4 ,one hand covers his nakedness2 with the other he would fain strangle himself4 ,now let ,regret meet him without1 dropping vain tears and heaping misery on misery1--and my picture is complete4 ,examine it narrowly in all its details1 and see whether you like the idea of going in at my golden front door1 to be expelled ignominiously at the back4 ,and whichever way you decide1 remember the words of the wise man3 ',blame not ,heaven1 but your own choice4' ,,apology ,,for ',,the ,,dependent ,,scholar' ,,dear ,,sabinus1 ,i have been guessing how you are likely to have expressed yourself upon reading my essay about dependants4 ,i feel pretty sure you read it all and had a laugh over it2 but it is your running and general comment in words that ,i am trying to piece on to it4 ,if ,i am any good at divination1 this is the sort of thing3 ,to think that a man can set down such a scathing indictment of the life1 and then forget it all1 get hold of the other end of the stick1 and plunge headlong into such manifest conspicuous slavery6 ,take ,midas1 ,croesus1 golden ,pactolus1 roll them into one1 multiply them1 and could they induce him to relinquish the freedom which he has loved and consorted with from a child8 ,he is nearly in the clutches of ,aeacus1 one foot is on the ferryman's boat1 and it is now that he lets himself be dragged submissively about by a golden collar4 ,footnote3 ,omitting as a scholium1 with ,dindorf and ,fritzsche1 the words3 hoia esti ton tryphonton plousion ta sphingia kai ta kourallia4 ,there is some slight inconsistency between his life and his treatise2 the rivers are running up-hill2 topsy-turvydom prevails2 our recantations are new- fashioned2 the first palinodist ,footnote3 ,see ,stesichorus in ,notes4 mended words with words for ,helen of ,troy2 but we spoil words 7those words we thought so wise7 with deeds4 ,such1 ,i imagine1 were your inward remarks4 ,and ,i dare say you will give me some overt advice to the same effect2 well1 it will not be ill-timed2 it will illustrate your friendship1 and do you credit as a good man and a philosopher4 ,if ,i render your part respectably for you1 that will do1 and we will pay our homage to the ,god of words2 ,footnote3 i4e4 ,hermes4 if ,i fail1 you will fill in the deficiency for yourself4 ,there1 the stage is ready2 ,i am to hold my tongue1 and submit to any necessary carving and cauterizing for my good1 and you are to plaster me1 and have your scalpel handy1 and your iron red-hot4 ,sabinus takes the word1 and thus addresses me3 ,my dear friend1 this treatise of yours has quite rightly been earning you a fine reputation1 from its first delivery before the great audience ,i had described to me1 to its private use by the educated who have consulted and thumbed it since4 ,for indeed it presents the case meritoriously2 there is study of detail and experience of life in abundance2 your views are the reverse of vague2 and above all the book is practically useful1 chiefly but not exclusively to the educated whom it might save from an unforeseen slavery4 ,however1 your mind is changed2 the life you described is now the better2 good-bye to freedom2 your motto is that contemptible line3 ,give me but gain1 ,i'll turn from free to slave4 ,let none hear the lecture from you again1 then2 see to it that no copy of it comes under the eyes of any one aware of your present life2 ask ,hermes to bring ,lethe-water from below1 enough to drug your former hearers2 else you will remind us of the ,corinthian tale1 and your writing1 like ,bellerophon's1 be your own condemnation4 ,i assure you ,i see no decent defence you can make1 at least if your detractors have the humour to commend the independence of the writings while the writer is a slave and a voluntary beast of burden before their eyes4 ,they will say with some plausibility3 ,either the book is some other good man's work1 and you a jackdaw strutting in borrowed1 plumes2 or1 if it is really yours1 you are a second ,salaethus2 the ,crotoniate legislator made most severe laws against adultery1 was much looked up to on the strength of it1 and was shortly after taken in adultery with his brother's wife4 ,you are an exact reproduction of ,salaethus1 they will say2 or rather he was not half so bad as you1 seeing that he was mastered by passion1 as he pleaded in court1 and moreover preferred to leap into the flames1 like a brave man1 when the ,crotoniates were moved to compassion and gave him the alternative of exile4 ,the difference between your precept and practice is infinitely more ridiculous2 you draw a realistic word-picture of that servile life2 you pour contempt on the man who runs into the trap of a rich man's house1 where a thousand degradations1 half of them self-inflicted1 await him2 and then in extreme old age1 when you are on the border between life and death1 you take this miserable servitude upon you and make a sort of circus exhibition of your chains4 ,the conspicuousness of your position will only make the more ridiculous that contrast between your book and your life4 ,but ,i need not beat my brains for phrases of reprobation2 there is one good enough in a noble tragedy3 ,wisdom begins at home2 no wisdom1 else4 ,and your censors will find no lack of illustrations against you2 some will compare you to the tragic actor2 on the stage he is ,agamemnon or ,creon or great ,heracles2 but off it1 stripped of his mask1 he is just ,polus or ,aristodemus1 a hireling liable to be hissed off1 or even whipped on occasion1 at the pleasure of the audience4 ,others will say you have had the experience of ,queen ,cleopatra's monkey3 the docile creature used to dance in perfect form and time1 and was much admired for the regularity and decorum of its movements1 adapted to the voices and instruments of a bridal chorus2 alas1 one day it spied a fig or almond a little way off on the ground2 flutes and measures and steps were all forgotten1 the mask was far off in several pieces1 and there was he chewing his find4 ,you1 they will say1 are the author 7for 'actor' would understate the case7 who has laid down the laws of noble conduct2 and no sooner is the lump of figs presented than the monkey is revealed2 your lips are the lips of a philosopher1 and your heart is quite other2 it is no injustice to say that those sentiments for which you claim admiration have 'wetted your lips1 and left your palate dry4' ,you have not had to wait long for retribution2 you spoke unadvisedly in scorn of human needs2 and1 this little while after1 behold you making public renunciation of your freedom6 ,surely ,nemesis was standing behind your back as you drank in the flattering tributes to your superiority2 did she not smile in her divine fore-knowledge of the impending change1 and mark how you forgot to propitiate her before you assailed the victims whom fortune's mutability had reduced to such courses8 ,now ,i want you to imagine a rhetorician writing on the theme that ,aeschines1 after his indictment of ,timarchus1 was himself proved guilty by eyewitnesses of similar iniquity2 would1 or would not1 the amusement of the audience be heightened by the fact that he had got ,timarchus punished for offences excused by youth1 whereas he was himself an old man at the time of his own guilt8 ,why1 you are like the quack who offered a cough-mixture which was to cure instantaneously1 and could hardly get the promise out for coughing4 ,yes1 ,sabinus1 and there is plenty more of the same sort for an accuser like you to urge2 the subject is all handles2 you can take hold of it anywhere4 ,i have been looking about for my best line of defence4 ,had ,i better turn craven1 face right-about1 confess my sin1 and have recourse to the regular plea of ,chance1 ,fate1 ,necessity8 ,shall ,i humbly beseech my critics to pardon me1 remembering that nothing is in a man's own choice-- we are led by some stronger power1 one of the three ,i mentioned1 probably1 and are not true agents but guiltless altogether1 whatever we say or do8 ,or will you tell me this might do well enough for one of the common herd1 but you cannot have me sheltering myself so8 ,i must not brief ,homer2 it will not serve me to plead3 ,no mortal man e'er yet escaped his fate2 nor again1 ,his thread was spun1 then when his mother bare him4 ,on the other hand1 ,i might avoid that plea as wanting in plausibility1 and say that ,i did not accept this association under the temptation of money or any prospects of that kind1 but in pure admiration of the wisdom1 strength1 and magnanimity of my patron's character1 which inspired the wish to partake his activity4 ,but ,i fear ,i should only have brought on myself the additional imputation of flattery4 ,it would be a case of 'one nail drives out one nail1' and this time the one left in would be the bigger2 for flattery is the most servile1 and consequently reckoned the worst1 of all vices4 ,both these pleas1 then1 being excluded1 what is left me but to confess that ,i have no sound defence to make8 ,i have indeed one anchor yet aboard3 ,i may whine over age and ill health1 and their attendant poverty1 from which a man will purchase escape at any cost4 ,the situation tempts me to send an invitation to ,euripides's ,medea3 will she come and recite certain lines of hers on my behalf1 kindly making the slight changes needed8-- ,too well ,i know how monstrous is the deed2 ,my poverty1 but not my will1 consents4 ,and every one knows the place in ,theognis1 whether ,i quote it or not1 where he approves of people's flinging themselves to the unplumbed deep from sky-pointing crags1 if one may be quit of poverty that way4 ,that about exhausts the obvious lines of defence2 and none of them is very promising4 ,but never fear1 my friend1 ,i am not going to try any of them4 ,may never ,argos be so hard put to it that ,cyllarabis must be sown6 nor ever ,i be in such straits for a tolerable defence as to be driven upon these evasions6 ,no1 ,i only ask you to consider the vast difference between being a hireling in a rich man's house1 where one is a slave1 and must put up with all that is described in my book--between that and entering the public service1 doing one's best as an administrator1 and taking the ,emperor's pay for it4 ,go fully into the matter2 take the two things separately and have a good look at them2 you will find that they are two octaves apart1 as the musical people say2 the two lives are about as like each other as lead is to silver1 bronze to gold1 an anemone to a rose1 a monkey to a man2 there is pay1 and there is subordination1 in each case2 but the essence of the two things is utterly different4 ,in one we have manifest slavery2 the new-comers who accept the terms are barely distinguishable from the human chattels a man has bought or bred2 but persons who have the management of public business1 and give their services to states and nations1 are not to have insinuations aimed at them just because they are paid2 that single point of resemblance is not to level them down to the others4 ,if that is to be the principle1 we had better do away with all such offices at once2 governors of whole provinces1 prefects of cities1 commanders of legions and armies1 will all fall under the same condemnation2 for they are paid4 ,but of course everything is not to be upset to suit a single case2 all who receive pay are not to be lumped together4 ,it is all a mistake2 ,i never said that all drawers of salaries lived a degraded life2 ,i only pitied those domestic slaves who have been caught by compliments on their culture4 ,my position1 you see1 is entirely different2 my private relations are as they were before1 though in a public capacity ,i am now an active part of the great ,imperial machine4 ,if you care to inquire1 you will find that my charge is not the least important in the government of ,egypt4 ,i control the cause-list1 see that trials are properly conducted1 keep a record of all proceedings and pleas1 exercise censorship over forensic oratory1 and edit the ,emperor's rescripts with a view to their official and permanent preservation in the most lucid1 accurate1 and genuine form4 ,my salary comes from no private person1 but from the ,emperor2 and it is considerable1 amounting to many hundreds4 ,in the future too there is before me the brilliant prospect of attaining in due course to a governorship or other distinguished employment4 ,accordingly ,i am now going to throw off reserve1 come to grips with the charge against me1 and prove my case a fortiori4 ,i tell you that nobody does anything for nothing2 you may point to people in high places--as high as you like2 the ,emperor himself is paid4 ,i am not referring to the taxes and tribute which flow in annually from subjects2 the chief item in the ,emperor's pay is panegyrics1 world-wide fame1 and grateful devotion2 the statues1 temples1 and consecrated ground which their subjects bestow upon them1 what are these but pay for the care and forethought which they apply to public policy and improvements8 ,to compare small things with great1 if you will begin at the top of the heap and work down through the grains of which it is composed1 you will find that we inferior ones differ from the superior in point of size1 but all are wage-earners together4 ,if the law ,i laid down had been that no one should do anything1 ,i might fairly have been accused of transgressing it2 but as my book contains nothing of the sort1 and as goodness consists in doing good1 what better use can you make of yourself than if you join forces with your friends in the cause of progress1 come out into the open1 and let men see that you are loyal and zealous and careful of your trust1 not what ,homer calls a vain cumberer of the earth8 ,but before all1 my critics are to remember that in me they will be criticizing not a wise man 7if indeed there is such a person on earth71 but one of the common people1 one who has indeed practised rhetoric and won some little reputation therein1 but has never been trained up to the perfect virtue of the really great4 ,well1 ,i may surely be forgiven for that2 if any one ever did come up to the ideal of the wise man1 it has not been my fortune to meet him4 ,and ,i confess further that ,i should be disappointed if ,i found you criticizing my present life2 you knew me long ago when ,i was making a handsome income out of the public profession of rhetoric2 for on that ,atlantic tour of yours which included ,gaul1 you found me numbered among those teachers who could command high fees4 ,now1 my friend1 you have my defence2 ,i am exceedingly busy1 but could not be indifferent to securing your vote of acquittal2 as for others1 let them all denounce me with one voice if they will2 on them ,i shall waste no more words than1 ,what cares ,hippoclides8 ,a ,,slip ,,of ,,the ,,tongue ,,in ,,salutation ,footnote3 ,this piece1 which even in the ,greek fails to convince us that ,asclepius heard the prayer with which it concludes1 is still flatter in ,english1 because we have no words of salutation which correspond at once in etymological meaning and in conventional usage to the ,greek4 ,the ,english reader who cares to understand a piece so little worth his attention1 will obligingly bear in mind that the ,greek word represented here by ,joy and ,rejoice roughly answered in ,lucian's time to our ,good- morning and ,how do you do1 as well as to the epistolary ,my dear----2 while that represented by ,hail or ,health did the work of ,good-night1 ,good-bye1 ,farewell1 and 7in letters7 ,yours truly4 ,if a poor mortal has some difficulty in guarding against that spirit of mischief which dwells aloft1 he has still more in clearing himself of the absurd consequences when that spirit trips him up4 ,i am in both predicaments at once2 coming to make you my morning salutation1 which should have taken the orthodox form of ,rejoice1 ,i bade you1 in a very choice fit of absent-mindedness1 ,be healthy--a good enough wish in its way1 but a little untimely and unconnected with that early hour4 ,i at once went moist and red1 not quite aware whether ,i was on my head or my heels2 some of the company took me for a lunatic1 no doubt1 some thought ,i was in my second childhood1 some that ,i had not quite got over my last night's wine--though you yourself were the pink of good manners1 not showing your consciousness of the slip by any ghost of a smile4 ,it occurred to me to write to myself a little something in the way of comfort1 and so modify the distress my blunder gave me--prove to myself that it was not absolutely unpardonable for an old man to transgress etiquette so flagrantly before so many witnesses4 ,as to apology1 there could be no occasion for that1 when one's slip had resulted in so well- omened a wish4 ,i began to write expecting my task to be very difficult1 but found plenty of material as ,i went on4 ,i will defer it1 however1 till ,i have cleared the way with a few necessary remarks on the three forms--,rejoice or ,joy1 ,prosper or ,prosperity1 ,hail or ,health4 ,joy is a very ancient greeting2 but it was not confined to the morning1 or the first meeting4 ,they did use it when they first saw one another3 ,joy to thee1 ,lord of this ,tirynthian land6 ,but again at the moment when the wine succeeded to the meal3 ,achilles1 ,joy6 ,we lack not fair repast-- so says ,odysseus discharging his embassy4 ,and even at parting3 ,joy be with you6 ,and henceforth know me ,god1 ,no longer mortal man4 ,in fact the apostrophe was not limited to any particular season1 as now to the morning alone2 indeed they used it on gloomy1 nay1 on the most lamentable occasions2 in ,euripides1 ,polynices ends his life with the words1 ,joy with you6 for the darkness closes on me4 ,nor was it necessarily significative of friendliness2 it could express hatred and the determination to see no more of another4 ,to wish much joy to1 was a regular form for ceasing to care about4 ,the modern use of the word dates back to ,philippides the dispatch-runner4 ,bringing the news of ,marathon1 he found the archons seated1 in suspense regarding the issue of the battle4 ',joy1 we win6' he said1 and died upon his message1 breathing his last in the word ,joy4 ,the earliest letter beginning with it is that in which ,cleon the ,athenian demagogue1 writing from ,sphacteria1 sends the good news of his victory and capture of ,spartans at that place4 ,however1 later than that we find ,nicias writing from ,sicily and keeping to the older custom of coming to business at once with no such introduction4 ,now the admirable ,plato1 no bad authority on such matters1 would have us reject the salutation ,joy altogether2 it is a mean wish1 wanting in seriousness1 according to him2 his substitute is ,prosperity1 which stands for a satisfactory condition both of body and soul2 in a letter to ,dionysius1 he reproves him for commencing a hymn to ,apollo with ,joy1 which he maintains is unworthy of the ,pythian1 and not fit even for men of any discretion1 not to mention ,gods4 ,pythagoras the mystic has vouchsafed us no writings of his own2 but we may infer from his disciples1 ,ocellus the ,lucanian and ,archytas1 for instance1 that he headed his letters neither with ,joy nor ,prosperity1 but recommended beginning with ,hail4 ,at any rate all the ,pythagoreans in writing to one another 7when their tone is serious1 that is7 started with wishing ,health1 which they took to be the prime need of soul and body alike1 and to include all human blessings4 ,the ,pentagram ,footnote3 ,see ,pythagoras in ,notes41 that interlaced triple triangle which served them as a sort of password1 they called by the name ,health4 ,they argued that ,health included ,joy and ,prosperity1 but that neither of those two was coextensive with ,health4 ,some of them gave to the ,quaternion1 ,footnote3 ,see ,pythagoras in ,notes4 which is their most solemn oath1 and sums their perfect number1 the name of ,beginning of ,health4 ,philolaus might be quoted4 ,but ,i need hardly go so far back4 ,epicurus assuredly rejoiced in joy-- pleasure was the chief ,good in his eyes2 yet in his most earnest letters 7which are not very numerous71 and in those to his most intimate friends1 he starts with ,hail4 ,and in tragedy and the old comedy you will constantly find it used quite at the beginning4 ,you remember1 ,hail to thee1 joy be thine-- which puts health before rejoicing clearly enough4 ,and says ,alexis3 ,all hail1 my lord2 after long time thou comest4 ,again ,achaeus3 ,i come in sorry plight1 yet wish thee health4 ,and ,philemon3 ,health first ,i ask1 and next prosperity1 ,joy thirdly1 and to owe not any man4 ,as for the writer of the drinking-song mentioned in ,plato1 what says he8--',best is health1 and second beauty1 and third wealth'2 joy he never so much as names4 ,i need hardly adduce the trite saw3 ,chief of them that blessings give1 ,health1 with thee ,i mean to live4 ,but1 if ,health is chief1 her gift1 which is the enjoyment of health1 should rank before other ,goods4 ,i could multiply these examples by the thousand from poets1 historians1 philosophers1 who give ,health the place of honour2 but you will not require any such childish pedantry of me1 wiping out my original offence by another2 ,i shall do better to add a historical anecdote or two which occur to me as relevant4 ,eumenes of ,cardia1 writing to ,antipater1 states that just before the battle of ,issus1 ,hephaestion came at dawn into ,alexander's tent4 ,either in absence of mind and confusion like mine1 or else under a divine impulse1 he gave the evening salutation like me--',hail1 sire2 'tis time we were at our posts4' ,all present were confounded at the irregularity1 and ,hephaestion himself was like to die of shame1 when ,alexander said1 ',i take the omen2 it is a promise that we shall come back safe from battle4' ,antiochus ,soter1 about to engage the ,galatians1 dreamed that ,alexander stood over him and told him to give his men the password ,health2 and with this word it was that he won that marvellous victory4 ,ptolemy1 the son of ,lagus1 in a letter to ,seleucus1 just reversed the usual order1 bidding him ,hail at the beginning1 and adding ,rejoice at the end instead of wishing him ,health2 this is recorded by ,dionysodorus1 the collector of his letters4 ,the case of ,pyrrhus the ,epirot is well worth mention2 as a general he was only second to ,alexander1 and he experienced a thousand vicissitudes of fortune4 ,in all his prayers1 sacrifices1 and offerings1 he never asked for victory or increase of his royal dignity1 for fame or excessive wealth2 his whole prayer was always in one word1 ,health2 as long as he had that1 he thought all else would come of itself4 ,and it was true wisdom1 in my opinion2 he remembered that all other good things are worthless1 if health is wanting4 ,oh1 certainly 7says some one72 but we have assigned each form to its proper place by this time2 and if you disregard that--even though there was no bad meaning in what you did say--you cannot fairly claim to have made no mistake2 it is as though one should put a helmet on the shins1 or greaves on the head4 ,my dear sir 7,i reply71 your simile would go on all fours if there were any season at all which did not require health2 but in point of fact it is needed in the morning and at noonday and at night --especially by busy rulers like you ,romans1 to whom physical condition is so important4 ,and again1 the man who gives you ,joy is only beginning auspiciously2 it is no more than a prayer2 whereas he who bids you ,hail is doing you a practical service in reminding you of the means to health2 his is more than a prayer1 it is a precept4 ,why1 in that book of instructions which you all receive from the ,emperor1 is not the first recommendation to take care of your health8 ,quite rightly2 that is the condition precedent of efficiency4 ,moreover1 if ,i know any ,latin1 you yourselves1 in returning a salutation1 constantly use the equivalent of ,health4 ,however1 all this does not mean that ,i have deliberately abandoned ,rejoice and substituted ,hail for it4 ,i admit that it was quite unintentional2 ,i am not so foolish as to innovate like that1 and exchange the regular formulae4 ,no1 ,i only thank ,heaven that my stumble had such very fortunate results1 landing me in a better position than ,i had designed2 may it not be that ,health itself1 or ,asclepius1 inspired me to give you this promise of health8 ,how else should it have befallen me8 ,in the course of a long life ,i have never been guilty of such a confusion before4 ,or1 if ,i may not have recourse to the supernatural1 it is no wonder that my extreme desire to be known to you for good should so confuse me as to work the contrary effect4 ,possibly1 too1 one might be robbed of one's presence of mind by the crowd of military persons pushing for precedence1 or treating the salutation ceremony in their cavalier fashion4 ,as to yourself1 ,i feel sure that1 however others may have referred it to stupidity1 ignorance1 or lunacy1 you took it as the sign of a modest1 simple1 unspoiled1 unsophisticated soul4 ,absolute confidence in such matters comes dangerously near audacity and impudence4 ,my first wish would be to make no such blunder2 my second that1 if ,i did1 the resulting omen should be good4 ,there is a story told of the first ,augustus4 ,he had given a correct legal decision1 which acquitted a maligned person of a most serious charge4 ,the latter expressed his gratitude in a loud voice1 thus3--',i thank your majesty for this bad and inequitable verdict4' ,augustus's attendants raged1 and were ready to tear the man to pieces4 ,but the ,emperor restrained them2 ',never mind what he said2 it is what he meant that matters4' ,that was ,augustus's view4 ,well1 take my meaning1 and it was good2 or take my word1 and it was auspicious4 ,and now that ,i have got to this point1 ,i have reason to fear that ,i may be suspected of having made the slip on purpose1 leading up to this apology4 ,o ,god of health1 only grant me that the quality of my piece may justify the notion that ,i wanted no more than a peg whereon to hang an essay6 ,,hermotimus1 ,,or ,,the ,,rival ,,philosophies ,lycinus4 ,hermotimus ,ly4 ,good morning1 ,hermotimus2 ,i guess by your book and the pace you are going at that you are on your way to lecture1 and a little late4 ,you were conning over something as you walked1 your lips working and muttering1 your hand flung out this way and that as you got a speech into order in your mind2 you were doubtless inventing one of your crooked questions1 or pondering some tricky problem2 never a vacant mind1 even in the streets2 always on the stretch and in earnest1 bent on advancing in your studies4 ,her4 ,i admit the impeachment2 ,i was running over the details of what he said in yesterday's lecture4 ,one must lose no chance1 you know2 the ,coan doctor ,footnote3 ,hippocrates spoke so truly3 ars longa1 vita brevis4 ,and what be referred to was only physic--a simpler matter4 ,as to philosophy1 not only will you never attain it1 however long you study1 unless you are wide awake all the time1 contemplating it with intense eager gaze2 the stake is so tremendous1 too1--whether you shall rot miserably with the vulgar herd1 or be counted among philosophers and reach ,happiness4 ,ly4 ,a glorious prize1 indeed6 however1 you cannot be far off it now1 if one may judge by the time you have given to philosophy1 and the extraordinary vigour of your long pursuit4 ,for twenty years now1 ,i should say1 ,i have watched you perpetually going to your professors1 generally bent over a book taking notes of past lectures1 pale with thought and emaciated in body4 ,i suspect you find no release even in your dreams1 you are so wrapped up in the thing4 ,with all this you must surely get hold of ,happiness soon1 if indeed you have not found it long ago without telling us4 ,her4 ,alas1 ,lycinus1 ,i am only just beginning to get an inkling of the right way4 ,very far off dwells ,virtue1 as ,hesiod says1 and long and steep and rough is the way thither1 and travellers must bedew it with sweat4 ,ly4 ,and you have not yet sweated and travelled enough8 ,her4 ,surely not2 else should ,i have been on the summit1 with nothing left between me and bliss2 but ,i am only starting yet1 ,lycinus4 ,ly4 ,ah1 but ,hesiod1 your own authority1 tells us1 ,well begun is half done2 so we may safely call you half-way by this time4 ,her4 ,not even there yet2 that would indeed have been much4 ,ly4 ,where shall we put you1 then8 ,her4 ,still on the lower slopes1 just making an effort to get on2 but it is slippery and rough1 and needs a helping hand4 ,ly4 ,well1 your master can give you that2 from his station on the summit1 like ,zeus in ,homer with his golden cord1 he can let you down his discourse1 and therewith haul and heave you up to himself and to the ,virtue which he has himself attained this long time4 ,her4 ,the very picture of what he is doing2 if it depended on him alone1 ,i should have been hauled up long ago2 it is my part that is still wanting4 ,ly4 ,you must be of good cheer and keep a stout heart2 gaze at the end of your climb and the ,happiness at the top1 and remember that he is working with you4 ,what prospect does he hold out8 when are you to be up8 does he think you will be on the top next year--by the ,great ,mysteries1 or the ,panathenaea1 say8 ,her4 ,too soon1 ,lycinus4 ,ly4 ,by next ,olympiad1 then8 ,her4 ,all too short a time1 even that1 for habituation to ,virtue and attainment of ,happiness4 ,ly4 ,say two ,olympiads1 then1 for an outside estimate4 ,you may fairly be found guilty of laziness1 if you cannot get it done by then2 the time would allow you three return trips from the ,pillars of ,heracles to ,india1 with a margin for exploring the tribes on the way instead of sailing straight and never stopping4 ,how much higher and more slippery1 pray1 is the peak on which your ,virtue dwells than that ,aornos crag which ,alexander stormed in a few days8 ,her4 ,there is no resemblance1 ,lycinus2 this is not a thing1 as you conceive it1 to be compassed and captured quickly1 though ten thousand ,alexanders were to assault it2 in that case1 the sealers would have been legion4 ,as it is1 a good number begin the climb with great confidence1 and do make progress1 some very little indeed1 others more2 but when they get half-way1 they find endless difficulties and discomforts1 lose heart1 and turn back1 panting1 dripping1 and exhausted4 ,but those who endure to the end reach the top1 to be blessed thenceforth with wondrous days1 looking down from their height upon the ants which are the rest of mankind4 ,ly4 ,dear me1 what tiny things you make us out--not so big as the ,pygmies even1 but positively grovelling on the face of the earth4 ,i quite understand it2 your thoughts are up aloft already4 ,and we1 the common men that walk the earth1 shall mingle you with the ,gods in our prayers2 for you are translated above the clouds1 and gone up whither you have so long striven4 ,her4 ,if but that ascent might be1 ,lycinus6 but it is far yet4 ,ly4 ,but you have never told me how far1 in terms of time4 ,her4 ,no2 for ,i know not precisely myself4 ,my guess is that it will not be more than twenty years2 by that time ,i shall surely be on the summit4 ,ly4 ,mercy upon us1 you take long views6 ,her4 ,ay2 but1 as the toil1 so is the reward4 ,ly4 ,that may be2 but about these twenty years--have you your master's promise that you will live so long8 is he prophet as well as philosopher8 or is it a soothsayer or ,chaldean expert that you trust8 such things are known to them1 ,i understand4 ,you would never1 of course1 if there were any uncertainty of your life's lasting to the ,virtue-point1 slave and toil night and day like this2 why1 just as you were close to the top1 your fate might come upon you1 lay hold of you by the heel1 and lug you down with your hopes unfulfilled4 ,her4 ,god forbid6 these are words of ill omen1 ,lycinus2 may life be granted me1 that ,i may grow wise1 and have if it be but one day of ,happiness6 ,ly4 ,for all these toils will you be content with your one day8 ,her4 ,content8 yes1 or with the briefest moment of it4 ,ly4 ,but is there indeed ,happiness up there--and worth all the pains8 ,how can you tell8 ,you have never been up yourself4 ,her4 ,i trust my master's word2 and he knows well2 is he not on the topmost height8 ,ly4 ,oh1 do tell me what he says about it2 what is ,happiness like8 wealth1 glory1 pleasures incomparable8 ,her4 ,hush1 friend6 all these have nought to do with the ,virtuous life4 ,ly4 ,well1 if these will not do1 what are the good things he offers to those who carry their course right through8 ,her4 ,wisdom1 courage1 true beauty1 justice1 full and firm knowledge of all things as they are2 but wealth and glory and pleasure and all bodily things--these a man strips off and abandons before he mounts up1 like ,heracles burning on ,mount ,oeta before deification2 he too cast off whatever of the human he had from his mother1 and soared up to the ,gods with his divine part pure and unalloyed1 sifted by the fire4 ,even so those ,i speak of are purged by the philosophic fire of all that deluded men count admirable1 and reaching the summit have ,happiness with never a thought of wealth and glory and pleasure--except to smile at any who count them more than phantoms4 ,ly4 ,by ,heracles 7and his death on ,oeta71 they quit themselves like men1 and have their reward1 it seems4 ,but there is one thing ,i should like to know3 are they allowed to come down from their elevation sometimes1 and have a taste of what they left behind them8 or when they have once got up1 must they stay there1 conversing with ,virtue1 and smiling at wealth and glory and pleasure8 ,her4 ,the latter1 assuredly2 more than that1 a man once admitted of ,virtue's company will never be subject to wrath or fear or desire any more2 no1 nor can he feel pain1 nor any such sensation4 ,ly4 ,well1 but--if one might dare to say what one thinks--but no--let me keep a good tongue in my head--it were irreverent to pry into what wise men do4 ,her4 ,nay1 nay2 let me know your meaning4 ,ly4 ,dear friend1 ,i have not the courage4 ,her4 ,out with it1 my good fellow2 we are alone4 ,ly4 ,well1 then--most of your account ,i followed and accepted--how they grow wise and brave and just1 and the rest--indeed ,i was quite fascinated by it2 but then you went on to say they despised wealth and glory and pleasure2 well1 just there 7quite between ourselves1 you know7 ,i was pulled up2 ,i thought of a scene t'other day with--shall ,i tell you whom8 ,perhaps we can do without a name8 ,her4 ,no1 no2 we must have that too4 ,ly4 ,your own professor himself1 then1--a person to whom all respect is due1 surely1 not to mention his years4 ,her4 ,well8 ,ly4 ,you know the ,heracleot1 quite an old pupil of his in philosophy by this time--red-haired--likes an argument8 ,her4 ,yes2 ,dion1 he is called4 ,ly4 ,well1 ,i suppose he had not paid up punctually2 anyhow the other day the old man haled him before the magistrate1 with a halter made of his own coat2 he was shouting and fuming1 and if some friends had not come up and got the young man out of his hands1 he would have bitten off his nose1 he was in such a temper4 ,her4 ,ah1 he is a bad character1 always an unconscionable time paying his debts4 ,there are plenty of others who owe the professor money1 and he has never treated any of them so2 they pay him his interest punctually4 ,ly4 ,not so fast2 what in the world does it matter to him1 if they do not pay up8 he is purified by philosophy1 and has no further need of the cast clothes of ,oeta4 ,her4 ,do you suppose his interest in such things is selfish8 no1 but he has little ones2 his care is to save them from indigence4 ,ly4 ,whereas he ought to have brought them up to ,virtue too1 and let them share his inexpensive ,happiness4 ,her4 ,well1 ,i have no time to argue it1 ,lycinus2 ,i must not be late for lecture1 lest in the end ,i find myself left behind4 ,ly4 ,don't be afraid1 my duteous one2 to-day is a holiday2 ,i can save you the rest of your walk4 ,her4 ,what do you mean8 ,ly4 ,you will not find him just now1 if the notice is to be trusted2 there was a tablet over the door announcing in large print1 ,no meeting this day4 ,i hear he dined yesterday with the great ,eucrates1 who was keeping his daughter's birthday4 ,he talked a good deal of philosophy over the wine1 and lost his temper a little with ,euthydemus the ,peripatetic2 they were debating the old ,peripatetic objections to the ,porch4 ,his long vocal exertions 7for it was midnight before they broke up7 gave him a bad headache1 with violent perspiration4 ,i fancy he had also drunk a little too much1 toasts being the order of the day1 and eaten more than an old man should4 ,when he got home1 he was very ill1 they said1 just managed to check and lock up carefully the slices of meat which he had conveyed to his servant at table1 and then1 giving orders that he was not at home1 went to sleep1 and has not waked since4 ,i overheard ,midas his man telling this to some of his pupils2 there were a number of them coming away4 ,her4 ,which had the victory1 though1 he or ,euthydemus--if ,midas said anything about that8 ,ly4 ,why1 at first1 ,i gathered1 it was very even between them2 but you ,stoics had it in the end1 and your master was much too hard for him4 ,euthydemus did not even get off whole2 he had a great cut on his head4 ,he was pretentious1 insisted on proving his point1 would not give in1 and proved a hard nut to crack2 so your excellent professor1 who had a goblet as big as ,nestor's in his hand1 brought this down on him as he lay within easy reach1 and the victory was his4 ,her4 ,good2 so perish all who will not yield to their betters6 ,ly4 ,very reasonable1 ,hermotimus2 what was ,euthydemus thinking of1 to irritate an old man who is purged of wrath and master of his passions1 when he had such a heavy goblet in his hand8 ,but we have time to spare--you might tell a friend like me the story of your start in philosophy2 then ,i might perhaps1 if it is not too late1 begin now and join your school2 you are my friends2 you will not be exclusive8 ,her4 ,if only you would1 ,lycinus6 you will soon find out how much you are superior to the rest of men4 ,i do assure you1 you will think them all children1 you will be so much wiser4 ,ly4 ,enough for me1 if after twenty years of it ,i am where you are now4 ,her4 ,oh1 ,i was about your age when ,i started on philosophy2 ,i was forty2 and you must be about that4 ,ly4 ,just that2 so take and lead me on the same way2 that is but right4 ,and first tell me--do you allow learners to criticize1 if they find difficulties in your doctrines1 or must juniors abstain from that8 ,her4 ,why1 yes1 they must2 but you shall have leave to ask questions and criticize2 you will learn easier that way4 ,ly4 ,i thank you for it1 ,hermotimus1 by your name-,god ,hermes4 ,now1 is there only one road to philosophy--the ,stoic way8 they tell me there are a great many other philosophers2 is that so8 ,her4 ,certainly--,peripatetics1 ,epicureans1 ,platonists1 followers of ,diogenes1 ,antisthenes1 ,pythagoras1 and more yet4 ,ly4 ,quite so2 numbers of them4 ,now1 are their doctrines the same1 or different8 ,her4 ,entirely different4 ,ly4 ,but the truth1 ,i presume1 is bound to be in one of them1 and not in all1 as they differ8 ,her4 ,certainly4 ,ly4 ,then1 as you love me1 answer this3 when you first went in pursuit of philosophy1 you found many gates wide open2 what induced you to pass the others by1 and go in at the ,stoic gate8 ,why did you assume that that was the only true one1 which would set you on the straight road to ,virtue1 while the rest all opened on blind alleys8 ,what was the test you applied then8 ,please abolish your present self1 the self which is now instructed1 or half-instructed1 and better able to distinguish between good and bad than we outsiders1 and answer in your then character of a layman1 with no advantage over me as ,i am now4 ,her4 ,i cannot tell what you are driving at4 ,ly4 ,oh1 there is nothing recondite about it4 ,there are a great many philosophers--let us say ,plato1 ,aristotle1 ,antisthenes1 and your spiritual fathers1 ,chrysippus1 ,zeno1 and all the rest of them2 what was it that induced you1 leaving the rest alone1 to pick out the school you did from among them all1 and pin your philosophic faith to it8 ,were you favoured like ,chaerephon with a revelation from ,apollo8 ,did he tell you the ,stoics were the best of men1 and send you to their school8 ,i dare say he recommends different philosophers to different persons1 according to their individual needs8 ,her4 ,nothing of the kind1 ,lycinus2 ,i never consulted him upon it4 ,ly4 ,why8 was it not a dignus vindice nodus8 or were you confident in your own unaided discrimination8 ,her4 ,why1 yes2 ,i was4 ,ly4 ,then this must be my first lesson from you--how one can decide out of hand which is the best and the true philosophy to be taken1 and the others left4 ,her4 ,i will tell you3 ,i observed that it attracted most disciples1 and thence inferred that it was superior4 ,ly4 ,give me figures2 how many more of them than of ,epicureans1 ,platonists1 ,peripatetics8 ,of course you took a sort of show of hands4 ,her4 ,well1 no2 ,i didn't count2 ,i just guessed4 ,ly4 ,now1 now6 you are not teaching1 but hoaxing me2 judge by guess work and impression1 indeed1 on a thing of this importance6 ,you are hiding the truth4 ,her4 ,well1 that was not my only way2 every one told me the ,epicureans were sensual and self-indulgent1 the ,peripatetics avaricious and contentious1 the ,platonists conceited and vain2 about the ,stoics1 on the contrary1 many said they had fortitude and an open mind2 he who goes their way1 ,i heard1 was the true king and millionaire and wise man1 alone and all in one4 ,ly4 ,and1 of course1 it was other people who so described them2 you would not have taken their own word for their excellences4 ,her4 ,certainly not2 it was others who said it4 ,ly4 ,not their rivals1 ,i suppose8 ,her4 ,oh1 no4 ,ly4 ,laymen1 then8 ,her4 ,just so4 ,ly4 ,there you are again1 cheating me with your irony2 you take me for a blockhead1 who will believe that an intelligent person like ,hermotimus1 at the age of forty1 would accept the word of laymen about philosophy and philosophers1 and make his own selection on the strength of what they said4 ,her4 ,but you see1 ,lycinus1 ,i did not depend on their judgement entirely1 but on my own too4 ,i saw the ,stoics going about with dignity1 decently dressed and groomed1 ever with a thoughtful air and a manly countenance1 as far from effeminacy as from the utter repulsive negligence of the ,cynics1 bearing themselves1 in fact1 like moderate men2 and every one admits that moderation is right4 ,ly4 ,did you ever see them behaving like your master1 as ,i described him to you just now8 ,lending money and clamouring for payment1 losing their tempers in philosophic debates1 and making other exhibitions of themselves8 ,or perhaps these are trifles1 so long as the dress is decent1 the beard long1 and the hair close-cropped8 ,we are provided for the future1 then1 with an infallible rule and balance1 guaranteed by ,hermotimus8 ,it is by appearance and walk and haircutting that the best men are to be distinguished2 and whosoever has not these marks1 and is not solemn and thoughtful1 shall be condemned and rejected8 ,nay1 do not play with me like this2 you want to see whether ,i shall catch you at it4 ,her4 ,why do you say that8 ,ly4 ,because1 my dear sir1 this appearance test is one for statues2 their decent orderly attire has it easily over the ,stoics1 because ,phidias or ,alcamenes or ,myron designed them to be graceful4 ,however1 granting as much as you like that these are the right tests1 what is a blind man to do1 if he wants to take up philosophy8 how is he to find the man whose principles are right1 when he cannot see his appearance or gait8 ,her4 ,i am not teaching the blind1 ,lycinus2 ,i have nothing to do with them4 ,ly4 ,ah1 but1 my good sir1 there ought to have been some universal criterion1 in a matter of such great and general use4 ,still1 if you will have it so1 let the blind be excluded from philosophy1 as they cannot see--though1 by the way1 they are just the people who most need philosophy to console them for their misfortune2 but now1 the people who can see--give them the utmost possible acuity of vision1 and what can they detect of the spiritual qualities from this external shell8 ,what ,i mean is this3 was it not from admiration of their spirit that you joined them1 expecting to have your own spirit purified8 ,her4 ,assuredly4 ,ly4 ,how could you possibly discern the true philosopher from the false1 then1 by the marks you mentioned8 ,it is not the way of such qualities to come out like that2 they are hidden and secret2 they are revealed only under long and patient observation1 in talk and debate and the conduct they inspire4 ,you have probably heard of ,momus's indictment of ,hephaestus2 if not1 you shall have it now4 ,according to the myth1 ,athene1 ,posidon1 and ,hephaestus had a match in inventiveness4 ,posidon made a bull1 ,athene planned a house1 ,hephaestus constructed a man2 when they came before ,momus1 who was to judge1 he examined their productions2 ,i need not trouble you with his criticisms of the other two2 but his objection to the man1 and the fault he found with ,hephaestus1 was this3 he should have made a window in his chest1 so that1 when it was opened1 his thoughts and designs1 his truth or falsehood1 might have been apparent4 ,momus must have been blear-eyed1 to have such ideas about men2 but you have sharper eyes than ,lynceus1 and pierce through the chest to what is inside2 all is patent to you1 not merely any man's wishes and sentiments1 but the comparative merits of any pair4 ,her4 ,you trifle1 ,lycinus4 ,i made a pious choice1 and do not repent it2 that is enough for me4 ,ly4 ,and will you yet make a mystery of it to your friend1 and let him be lost with the vulgar herd8 ,her4 ,why1 you will not accept anything ,i say4 ,ly4 ,on the contrary1 my good sir1 it is you who will not say anything ,i can accept4 ,well1 as you refuse me your confidence1 and are so jealous of my becoming a philosopher and your equal1 ,i must even do my best to find out the infallible test and learn to choose safely for myself4 ,and you may listen1 if you like4 ,her4 ,that ,i will1 ,lycinus2 you will very likely hit on some good idea4 ,ly4 ,then attend1 and do not mock me1 if my inquiry is quite unscientific2 it is all ,i can do1 as you1 who know better1 will not give me any clearer light4 ,i conceive ,virtue1 then1 under the figure of a ,state whose citizens are happy--as your professor1 who is one of them1 phrases it1--absolutely wise1 all of them brave1 just1 and self-controlled1 hardly distinguishable1 in fact1 from ,gods4 ,all sorts of things that go on here1 such as robbery1 assault1 unfair gain1 you will never find attempted there1 ,i believe2 their relations are all peace and unity2 and this is quite natural1 seeing that none of the things which elsewhere occasion strife and rivalry1 and prompt men to plot against their neighbours1 so much as come in their way at all4 ,gold1 pleasures1 distinctions1 they never regard as objects of dispute2 they have banished them long ago as undesirable elements4 ,their life is serene and blissful1 in the enjoyment of legality1 equality1 liberty1 and all other good things4 ,her4 ,well1 ,lycinus8 ,must not all men yearn to belong to a ,state like that1 and never count the toil of getting there1 nor lose heart over the time it takes8 ,enough that one day they will arrive1 and be naturalized1 and given the franchise4 ,ly4 ,in good truth1 ,hermotimus1 we should devote all our efforts to this1 and neglect everything else2 we need pay little heed to any claims of our earthly country2 we should steel our hearts against the clingings and cryings of children or parents1 if we have them2 it is well if we can induce them to go with us2 but1 if they will not or cannot1 shake them off and march straight for the city of bliss1 leaving your coat in their hands1 if they lay hold of it to keep you back1 in your hurry to get there2 what matter for a coat8 ,you will be admitted there without one4 ,i remember hearing a description of it all once before from an old man1 who urged me to go there with him4 ,he would show me the way1 enroll me when ,i got there1 introduce me to his own circles1 and promise me a share in the universal ,happiness4 ,but ,i was stiff-necked1 in my youthful folly 7it was some fifteen years ago72 else might ,i have been in the outskirts1 nay1 haply at the very gates1 by now4 ,among the noteworthy things he told me1 ,i seem to remember these3 all the citizens are aliens and foreigners1 not a native among them2 they include numbers of barbarians1 slaves1 cripples1 dwarfs1 and poor2 in fact any one is admitted2 for their law does not associate the franchise with income1 with shape1 size1 or beauty1 with old or brilliant ancestry2 these things are not considered at all2 any one who would be a citizen needs only understanding1 zeal for the right1 energy1 perseverance1 fortitude and resolution in facing all the trials of the road2 whoever proves his possession of these by persisting till he reaches the city is ipso facto a full citizen1 regardless of his antecedents4 ,such distinctions as superior and inferior1 noble and common1 bond and free1 simply do not exist there1 even in name4 ,her4 ,there1 now2 you see ,i am not wasting my pains on trifles2 ,i yearn to be counted among the citizens of that fair and happy ,state4 ,ly4 ,why1 your yearning is mine too2 there is nothing ,i would sooner pray for4 ,if the city had been near at hand and plain for all to see1 be assured ,i would never have doubted1 nor needed prompting2 ,i would have gone thither and had my franchise long ago2 but as you tell me--you and your bard ,hesiod--that it is set exceeding far off1 one must find out the way to it1 and the best guide4 ,you agree8 ,her4 ,of course that is the only thing to do4 ,ly4 ,now1 so far as promises and professions go1 there is no lack of guides2 there are numbers of them waiting about1 all representing themselves as from there4 ,but instead of one single road there seem to be many different and inconsistent ones4 ,north and ,south1 ,east and ,west1 they go2 one leads through meadows and vegetation and shade1 and is well watered and pleasant1 with never a stumbling-block or inequality2 another is rough and rocky1 threatening heat and drought and toil4 ,yet all these are supposed to lead to the one city1 though they take such different directions4 ,that is where my difficulty lies2 whichever of them ,i try1 there is sure to be a most respectable person stationed just at the entrance1 with a welcoming hand and an exhortation to go his way2 each of them says he is the only one who knows the straight road2 his rivals are all mistaken1 have never been themselves1 nor learnt the way from competent guides4 ,i go to his neighbour1 and he gives the same assurances about his way1 abusing the other respectable persons2 and so the next1 and the next1 and the next4 ,this multiplicity and dissimilarity of the roads gives me searchings of heart1 and still more the assertiveness and self- satisfaction of the guides2 ,i really cannot tell which turning or whose directions are most likely to bring me to the city4 ,her4 ,oh1 but ,i can solve that puzzle for you2 you cannot go wrong1 if you trust those who have been already4 ,ly4 ,which do you mean8 those who have been by which road1 and under whose guidance8 ,it is the old puzzle in a new form2 you have only substituted men for measures4 ,her4 ,how do you mean8 ,ly4 ,why1 the man who has taken ,plato's road and travelled with him will recommend that road2 so with ,epicurus and the rest2 and you will recommend your own4 ,how else1 ,hermotimus8 it must be so4 ,her4 ,well1 of course4 ,ly4 ,so you have not solved my puzzle2 ,i know just as little as before which traveller to trust2 ,i find that each of them1 as well as his guide1 has tried one only1 which he now recommends and will have to be the only one leading to the city4 ,whether he tells the truth ,i have no means of knowing2 that he has attained some end1 and seen some city1 ,i may perhaps allow2 but whether he saw the right one1 or whether1 ,corinth being the real goal1 he got to ,babylon and thought he had seen ,corinth--that is still undecided2 for surely every one who has seen a city has not seen ,corinth1 unless ,corinth is the only city there is4 ,but my greatest difficulty of all is the absolute certainty that the true road is one2 for ,corinth is one1 and the other roads lead anywhere but to ,corinth1 though there may be people deluded enough to suppose that the ,north road and the ,south road lead equally to ,corinth4 ,her4 ,but that is absurd1 ,lycinus2 they go opposite ways1 you see4 ,ly4 ,then1 my dear good man1 this choice of roads and guides is quite a serious matter2 we can by no means just follow our noses2 we shall be discovering that we are well on the way to ,babylon or ,bactria instead of to ,corinth4 ,nor is it advisable to toss up1 either1 on the chance that we may hit upon the right way if we start upon any one at a venture4 ,that is no impossibility2 it may have come off once and again in a cycle2 but ,i cannot think we ought to gamble recklessly with such high stakes1 nor commit our hopes to a frail craft1 like the wise men who went to sea in a bowl2 we should have no fair complaint against ,fortune1 if her arrow or dart did not precisely hit the centre2 the odds are ten thousand to one against her2 just so the archer in ,homer--,teucer1 ,i suppose it was--when he meant to hit the dove1 only cut the string1 which held it2 of course it is infinitely more likely that the point of the arrow will find its billet in one of the numberless other places1 than just in that particular central one4 ,and as to the perils of blundering into one of the wrong roads instead of the right one1 misled by a belief in the discretion of ,fortune1 here is an illustration3--it is no easy matter to turn back and get safe into port when you have once cast loose your moorings and committed yourself to the breeze2 you are at the mercy of the sea1 frightened1 sick and sorry with your tossing about1 most likely4 ,your mistake was at the beginning3 before leaving1 you should have gone up to some high point1 and observed whether the wind was in the right quarter1 and of the right strength for a crossing to ,corinth1 not neglecting1 by the way1 to secure the very best pilot obtainable1 and a seaworthy craft equal to so high a sea4 ,her4 ,much better so1 ,lycinus4 ,however1 ,i know that1 if you go the whole round1 you will find no better guides or more expert pilots than the ,stoics2 if you mean ever to get to ,corinth1 you will follow them1 in the tracks of ,chrysippus and ,zeno4 ,it is the only way to do it4 ,ly4 ,ah1 many can play at the game of assertion4 ,plato's fellow traveller1 ,epicurus's follower1 and all the rest1 will tell me just what you do1 that ,i shall never get to ,corinth except with whichever of them it is4 ,so ,i must either believe them all1 or disbelieve impartially4 ,the latter is much the safest1 until we have found out the truth4 ,put a case1 now3 just as ,i am1 as uncertain as ever which of the whole number has the truth1 ,i choose your school2 ,i rely on you1 who are my friend1 but who still know only the ,stoic doctrine1 and have not travelled any way but that4 ,now some ,god brings ,plato1 ,pythagoras1 ,aristotle1 and the rest to life again2 they gather round and cross- examine me1 or actually sue me in court for constructive defamation2 ,good ,lycinus1 they say1 what possessed or who induced you to exalt ,chrysippus and ,zeno at our expense8 we are far older established2 they are mere creatures of yesterday2 yet you never gave us a hearing1 nor inquired into our statements at all4 ,well1 what am ,i to plead8 will it avail me to say ,i trusted my friend ,hermotimus8 ,i feel sure they will say1 ,we know not this ,hermotimus1 who he is1 nor he us2 you had no right to condemn us all1 and give judgement by default against us1 on the authority of a man who knew only one of the philosophic roads1 and even that1 perhaps1 imperfectly4 ,these are not the instructions issued to juries1 ,lycinus2 they are not to hear one party1 and1 refuse the other permission to say what he deems advisable2 they are to hear both sides alike1 with a view to the better sifting of truth from falsehood by comparison of the arguments2 if they fail in these duties1 the law allows an appeal to another court4 ,that is what we may expect them to say4 ,then one of them might proceed to question me like this3 ,suppose1 ,lycinus1 that an ,ethiopian who had never been abroad in his life1 nor seen other men like us1 were to state categorically in an ,ethiopian assembly that there did not exist on earth any white or yellow men-- nothing but blacks--1 would his statement be accepted8 or would some ,ethiopian elder remark1 ,how do you know1 my confident friend8 you have never been in foreign parts1 nor had any experience of other nations4 ,shall ,i tell him the old man's question was justified8 what do you advise1 my counsel8 ,her4 ,say that1 certainly2 ,i consider the old man's rebuke quite reasonable4 ,ly4 ,so do ,i4 ,but ,i am not so sure you will approve what comes next2 as for me1 ,i have as little doubt of that as of the other4 ,her4 ,what is it8 ,ly4 ,the next step will be the application2 my questioner will say1 ,now ,lycinus1 let us suppose an analogue1 in a person acquainted only with the ,stoic doctrine1 like your friend ,hermotimus2 he has never travelled in ,plato's country1 or to ,epicurus1 or any other land2 now1 if he were to state that there was no such beauty or truth in those many countries as there is in the ,porch and its teaching1 would you not be justified in considering it bold of him to give you his opinion about them all1 whereas he knew only one1 having never set foot outside the bounds of ,ethiopia8 ,what reply do you advise to that8 ,her4 ,the perfectly true one1 of course1 that it is indeed the ,stoic doctrine that we study fully1 being minded to sink or swim with that1 but still we do know what the others say also2 our teacher rehearses the articles of their beliefs to us incidentally1 and demolishes them with his comments4 ,ly4 ,do you suppose the ,platonists1 ,pythagoreans1 ,epicureans1 and other schools1 will let that pass8 or will they laugh out loud and say1 ,what remarkable methods your friend has1 ,lycinus6 he accepts our adversaries' character of us1 and gathers our doctrines from the description of people who do not know1 or deliberately misrepresent them4 ,if he were to see an athlete getting his muscles in trim by kicking high1 or hitting out at empty space as though he were getting a real blow home1 would he 7in the capacity of umpire7 at once proclaim him victor1 because he could not help winning8 ,no2 he would reflect that these displays are easy and safe1 when there is no defence to be reckoned with1 and that the real decision must wait till he has beaten and mastered his opponent1 and the latter 'has had enough'4 ,well then1 do not let ,hermotimus suppose from his teachers' sparrings with our shadows 7for we are not there7 that they have the victory1 or that our doctrines are so easily upset2 tell him the business is too like the sand houses which children1 having built them weak1 have no difficulty in overturning1 or1 to change the figure1 like people practising archery2 they make a straw target1 hang it to a post1 plant it a little way off1 and then let fly at it2 if they hit and get through the straw1 they burst into a shout1 as if it were a great triumph to have driven through the dry stuff4 ,that is not the way the ,persians take1 or those ,scythian tribes which use the bow4 ,generally1 when they shoot1 in the first place they are themselves mounted and in motion1 and secondly1 they like the mark to be moving too2 it is not to be stationary1 waiting for the arrival of the arrow1 but passing at full speed2 they can usually kill beasts1 and their marksmen hit birds4 ,if it ever happens that they want to test the actual impact on a target1 they set up one of stout wood1 or a shield of raw hide2 piercing that1 they reckon that their shafts will go through armour too4 ,so1 ,lycinus1 tell ,hermotimus from us that his teachers fierce straw targets1 and then say they have disposed of armed men2 or paint up figures of us1 spar at them1 and1 after a not surprising success1 think they have beaten us4 ,but we shall severally quote against them ,achilles's words against ,hector3 ,they dare not face the nodding of my plume4 ,so say all of them1 one after the other4 ,i suspect that ,plato1 with his intimate knowledge of ,sicily1 will add an anecdote from there4 ,gelo of ,syracuse had disagreeable breath1 but did not find it out himself for a long time1 no one venturing to mention such a circumstance to a tyrant4 ,at last a foreign woman who had a connexion with him dared to tell him2 whereupon he went to his wife and scolded her for never having1 with all her opportunities of knowing1 warned him of it2 she put in the defence that1 as she had never been familiar or at close quarters with any other man1 she had supposed all men were like that4 ,so ,hermotinus 7,plato will say7 after his exclusive association with ,stoics1 cannot be expected to know the savour of other people's mouths4 ,chrysippus1 on the other hand1 might say as much or more if ,i were to put him out of court and betake myself to ,platonism1 in reliance upon some one who had conversed with ,plato alone4 ,and in a word1 as long as it is uncertain which is the true philosophic school1 ,i choose none2 choice of one is insult to the rest4 ,her4 ,for ,heaven's sake1 ,lycinus1 let us leave ,plato1 ,aristotle1 ,epicurus1 and the rest of them alone2 to argue with them is not for me4 ,why not just hold a private inquiry1 you and ,i1 whether philosophy is what ,i say it is8 ,as for the ,ethiopians and ,gelo's wife1 what a long way you have brought them on none of their business6 ,ly4 ,away with them1 then1 if you find their company superfluous4 ,and now do you proceed2 my expectations are high4 ,her4 ,well1 it seems to me perfectly possible1 ,lycinus1 after studying the ,stoic doctrines alone1 to get at the truth from them1 without going through a course of all the others too4 ,look at it this way3 if any one tells you simply1 ,twice two is four1 need you go round all the mathematicians to find out whether there is one who makes it five1 or seven2 or would you know at once that the man was right8 ,ly4 ,certainly ,i should4 ,her4 ,then why should you think it impossible for a man who finds1 without going further1 that the ,stoics make true statements1 to believe them and dispense with further witness8 ,he knows that four can never be five1 though ten thousand ,platos or ,pythagorases said it was4 ,ly4 ,not to the point4 ,you compare accepted with disputed facts1 whereas they are completely different4 ,tell me1 did you ever meet a man who said twice two was seven or eleven8 ,her4 ,not ,i2 any one who did not make four of it must be mad4 ,ly4 ,but on the other hand--try to tell the truth1 ,i adjure you--1 did you ever meet a ,stoic and an ,epicurean who did not differ about principles or ends8 ,her4 ,no4 ,ly4 ,you are an honest man2 now ask yourself whether you are trapping a friend with false logic4 ,we are trying to find out with whom philosophic truth lies2 and you beg the question and make a present of that same truth to the ,stoics2 for you say 7what is quite unproved7 that they are the people who make twice two four2 the ,epicureans or ,platonists would say that they bring out that result1 whereas you get five or seven4 ,does it not amount to that1 when your school reckon goodness the only end1 and the ,epicureans pleasure8 or again when you say everything is material1 and ,plato recognizes an immaterial element also in all that exists8 ,as ,i said1 you lay hold of the thing in dispute1 as though it were the admitted property of the ,stoics1 and put it into their hands1 though the others claim it and maintain that it is theirs2 why1 it is the very point at issue4 ,if it is once established that ,stoics have the monopoly of making four out of twice two1 it is time for the rest to hold their tongues2 but as long as they refuse to yield that point1 we must hear all alike1 or be prepared for people's calling us partial judges4 ,her4 ,it seems to me1 ,lycinus1 you do not understand what ,i mean4 ,ly4 ,very well1 put it plainer1 if it is something different from that4 ,her4 ,you will see in a minute4 ,let us suppose two people have gone into the temple of ,asclepius or ,dionysus1 and subsequently one of the sacred cups is missing4 ,both of them will have to be searched1 to see which has it about him4 ,ly4 ,clearly4 ,her4 ,of course one of them has it4 ,ly4 ,necessarily1 if it is missing4 ,her4 ,then1 if you find it on the first1 you will not strip the other2 it is clear he has not got it4 ,ly4 ,quite4 ,her4 ,and if we fail to find it on the first1 the other certainly has it2 it is unnecessary to search him that way either4 ,ly4 ,yes1 he has it4 ,her4 ,so with us2 if we find the cup in the possession of the ,stoics1 we shall not care to go on and search the others2 we have what we were looking for2 why trouble further8 ,ly4 ,there is no why1 if you really find it1 and can be certain it is the missing article1 the sacred object being unmistakable4 ,but there are some differences in this case1 friend1 the temple-visitors are not two1 so that if one has not got the booty the other has1 but many2 and the identity of the missing object is also uncertain2 it may be cup1 or bowl1 or garland2 every priest gives a different description of it2 they do not agree even about the material2 bronze1 say these1 silver1 say those--anything from gold to tin4 ,so there is nothing for it but to strip the visitors1 if you want to find it2 even if you discover a gold cup on the first man1 you must go on to the others4 ,her4 ,what for8 ,ly4 ,because it is not certain that the thing was a cup4 ,and even if that is generally admitted1 they do not all agree that it was gold2 and if it is well known that a gold cup is missing1 and you find a gold cup on your first man1 even so you are not quit of searching the others2 it is not clear that this is the sacred cup2 do you suppose there is only one gold cup in the world8 ,her4 ,no1 indeed4 ,ly4 ,so you will have to go the round1 and then collect all your finds together and decide which of them is most likely to be divine property4 ,for the source of all the difficulty is this3 every one who is stripped has something or other on him1 one a bowl1 one a cup1 one a garland1 which again may be bronze1 gold1 or silver2 but whether the one he has is the sacred one1 is not yet clear4 ,it is absolutely impossible to know which man to accuse of sacrilege2 even if all the objects were similar1 it would be uncertain who had robbed the ,god2 for such things may be private property too4 ,our perplexity1 of course1 is simply due to the fact that the missing cup--assume it to be a cup--has no inscription2 if either the ,god's or the donor's name had been on it1 we should not have had all this trouble2 when we found the inscribed one1 we should have stopped stripping and inconveniencing other visitors4 ,i suppose1 ,hermotimus1 you have often been at athletic meetings8 ,her4 ,you suppose right2 and in many places too4 ,ly4 ,did you ever have a seat close by the judges8 ,her4 ,dear me1 yes2 last ,olympia1 ,i was on the left of the stewards2 ,euandridas of ,elis had got me a place in the ,elean enclosure2 ,i particularly wanted to have a near view of how things are done there4 ,ly4 ,so you know how they arrange ties for the wrestling or the pancratium8 ,her4 ,yes4 ,ly4 ,then you will describe it better than ,i1 as you have seen it so close4 ,her4 ,in old days1 when ,heracles presided1 bay leaves-- ,ly4 ,no old days1 thank you2 tell me what you saw with your own eyes4 ,her4 ,a consecrated silver urn is produced1 and into it are thrown little lots about the size of a bean1 with letters on them4 ,two are marked alpha ,footnote3 ,the ,greek alphabet runs3 alpha1 beta1 gamma1 delta1 epsilon1 zeta1 eta1 theta1 iota1 kappa1 lambda1 mu1 nu1 xi1 omicron1 pi1 rho1 sigma1 tau1 upsilon1 phi1 chi1 psi1 omega41 two beta1 two more gamma1 and so on1 if the competitors run to more than that--two lots always to each letter4 ,a competitor comes up1 makes a prayer to ,zeus1 dips his hand into the urn1 and pulls out one lot2 then another does the same2 there is a policeman to each drawer1 who holds his hand so that he cannot see what letter he has drawn4 ,when all have drawn1 the chief police officer1 ,i think it is1 or one of the stewards themselves--,i cannot quite remember this detail--1 goes round and examines the lots while they stand in a circle1 and puts together the two alphas for the wrestling or pancratium1 and so for the two betas1 and the rest4 ,that is the procedure when the number of competitors is even1 as eight1 four1 or twelve4 ,if it is five1 seven1 nine1 or other odd number1 an odd letter is marked on one lot1 which is put in with the others1 not having a duplicate4 ,whoever draws this is a bye1 and waits till the rest have finished their ties2 no duplicate turns up for him1 you see2 and it is a considerable advantage to an athlete1 to know that he will come fresh against tired competitors4 ,ly4 ,stop there2 that is just what ,i wanted4 ,there are nine of them1 we will say1 and they have all drawn1 and the lots are in their hands4 ,you go round--for ,i promote you from spectator to steward--examining the letters2 and ,i suppose you will not know who is the bye till you have been to them all and paired them4 ,her4 ,how do you mean8 ,ly4 ,it is impossible for you to hit straight upon the letter which indicates the bye2 at least1 you may hit upon the letter1 but you will not know about the bye2 it was not announced beforehand that kappa or mu or iota had the appointment in its gift2 when you find alpha1 you look for the holder of the other alpha1 whom finding1 you pair the two4 ,again finding beta1 you inquire into the whereabouts of the second beta which matches it2 and so all through1 till there is no one left but the holder of the single unpaired letter4 ,her4 ,but suppose you come upon it first or second1 what will you do then8 ,ly4 ,never mind me2 ,i want to know what you will do1 ,mr4 ,steward4 ,will you say at once1 ,here is the bye8 or will you have to go round to all1 and see whether there is a duplicate to be found1 it being impossible to know the bye till you have seen all the lots8 ,her4 ,why1 ,lycinus1 ,i shall know quite easily2 nine being the number1 if ,i find the epsilon first or second1 ,i know the holder of it for the bye4 ,ly4 ,but how8 ,her4 ,how8 ,why1 two of them must have alpha1 two beta1 and of the next two pairs one has certainly drawn gammas and the other deltas1 so that four letters have been used up over eight competitors4 ,obviously1 then1 the next letter1 which is epsilon1 is the only one that can be odd1 and the drawer of it is the bye4 ,ly4 ,shall ,i extol your intelligence1 or would you rather ,i explained to you my own poor idea1 which differs8 ,her4 ,the latter1 of course1 though ,i cannot conceive how you can reasonably differ4 ,ly4 ,you have gone on the assumption that the letters are taken in alphabetical order1 until at a particular one the number of competitors runs short2 and ,i grant you it may be done so at ,olympia4 ,but suppose we were to pick out five letters at random1 say chi1 sigma1 zeta1 kappa1 theta1 and duplicate the other four on the lots for eight competitors1 but put a single zeta on the ninth1 which we meant to indicate the bye--what then would you do if you came on the zeta first8 ,how can you tell that its holder is the bye till you have been all round and found no counterpart to it8 for you could not tell by the alphabetical order1 as at ,olympia4 ,her4 ,a difficult question4 ,ly4 ,look at the same thing another way4 ,suppose we put no letters at all on the lots1 but1 instead of them1 signs and marks such as the ,egyptians use for letters1 men with dogs' or lions' heads4 ,or no1 those are rather too strange2 let us avoid hybrids1 and put down simple forms1 as well as our draughtsmanship will allow--men on two lots1 horses on two1 a pair of cocks1 a pair of dogs1 and let a lion be the mark of the ninth4 ,now1 if you hit upon the lion at the first try1 how can you tell that this is the bye-maker1 until you have gone all round and seen whether any one else has a lion to match8 ,her4 ,your question is too much for me4 ,ly4 ,no wonder2 there is no plausible answer4 ,consequently if we mean to find either the man who has the sacred cup1 or the bye1 or our best guide to the famous city of ,corinth1 we must absolutely go to and examine them all1 trying them carefully1 stripping and comparing them2 the truth will be hard enough to find1 even so4 ,if ,i am to take any one's advice upon the right philosophy to choose1 ,i insist upon his knowing what they all say2 every one else ,i disqualify2 ,i will not trust him while there is one philosophy he is unacquainted with2 that one may possibly be the best of all4 ,if some one were to produce a handsome man1 and state that he was the handsomest of mankind1 we should not accept that1 unless we knew he had seen all men2 very likely his man is handsome1 but whether the handsomest1 he has no means of knowing without seeing all4 ,now we are looking not simply for beauty1 but for the greatest beauty1 and if we miss that1 we shall account ourselves no further than we were2 we shall not be content with chancing upon some sort of beauty2 we are in search of a definite thing1 the supreme beauty1 which must necessarily be one4 ,her4 ,true4 ,ly4 ,well then1 can you name me a man who has tried every road in philosophy8 one who1 knowing the doctrine of ,pythagoras1 ,plato1 ,aristotle1 ,chrysippus1 ,epicurus1 and the rest1 has ended by selecting one out of all these roads1 because he has proved it genuine1 and had found it by experience to be the only one that led straight to ,happiness8 ,if we can meet with such a man1 we are at the end of our troubles4 ,her4 ,alas1 that is no easy matter4 ,ly4 ,what shall we do1 then8 ,i do not think we ought to despair1 in the momentary absence of such a guide4 ,perhaps the best and safest plan of all is to set to work oneself1 go through every system1 and carefully examine the various doctrines4 ,her4 ,that is what seems to be indicated4 ,i am afraid1 though1 there is an obstacle in what you said just now3 it is not easy1 when you have committed yourself with a spread of canvas to the wind1 to get home again4 ,how can a man try all the roads1 when1 as you said1 he will be unable to escape from the first of them8 ,ly4 ,my notion is to copy ,theseus1 get dame ,ariadne to give us a skein1 and go into one labyrinth after another1 with the certainty of getting out by winding it up4 ,her4 ,who is to be our ,ariadne8 ,where shall we find the skein8 ,ly4 ,never despair2 ,i fancy ,i have found something to hold on to and escape4 ,her4 ,and what is that8 ,ly4 ,it is not original2 ,i borrow it from one of the wise men3 ',be sober and doubt all things1' says he4 ,if we do not believe everything we are told1 but behave like jurymen who suspend judgement till they have heard the other side1 we may have no difficulty in getting out of the labyrinths4 ,her4 ,a good plan2 let us try it4 ,ly4 ,very well1 which shall we start with8 ,however1 that will make no difference2 we may begin with whomsoever we fancy1 ,pythagoras1 say2 how long shall we allow for learning the whole of ,pythagoreanism8 and do not omit the five years of silence2 including those1 ,i suppose thirty altogether will do2 or1 if you do not like that1 still we cannot put it lower than twenty4 ,her4 ,put it at that4 ,ly4 ,plato will come next with as many more1 and then ,aristotle cannot do with less4 ,her4 ,no4 ,ly4 ,as to ,chrysippus1 ,i need not ask you2 you have told me already that forty is barely enough4 ,her4 ,that is so4 ,ly4 ,and we have still ,epicurus and the others4 ,i am not taking high figures1 either1 as you will see if you reflect upon the number of octogenarian ,stoics1 ,epicureans1 and ,platonists who confess that they have not yet completely mastered their own systems4 ,or1 if they did not confess it1 at any rate ,chrysippus1 ,aristotle1 and ,plato would for them2 still more ,socrates1 who is as good as they2 he used to proclaim to all comers that1 so far from knowing all1 he knew nothing whatever1 except the one fact of his own ignorance4 ,well1 let us add up4 ,twenty years we gave ,pythagoras1 the same to ,plato1 and so to the others4 ,what will the total come to1 if we assume only ten schools8 ,her4 ,over two hundred years4 ,ly4 ,shall we deduct a quarter of that1 and say a hundred and fifty will do8 or can we halve it8 ,her4 ,you must decide about that2 but ,i see that1 at the best1 it will be but few who will get through the course1 though they begin philosophy and life together4 ,ly4 ,in that case1 what are we to do8 ,must we withdraw our previous admission1 that no one can choose the best out of many without trying all8 ,we thought selection without experiment a method of inquiry savouring more of divination than of judgement1 did we not8 ,her4 ,yes4 ,ly4 ,without such longevity1 then1 it is absolutely impossible for us to complete the series--experiment1 selection1 philosophy1 ,happiness4 ,yet anything short of that is a mere game of blindman's-buff2 whatever we knock against and get hold of we shall be taking for the thing we want1 because the truth is hidden from us4 ,even if a mere piece of luck brings us straight to it1 we shall have no grounded conviction of our success2 there are so many similar objects1 all claiming to be the real thing4 ,her4 ,ah1 ,lycinus1 your arguments seem to me more or less logical1 but--but--to be frank with you--,i hate to hear you going through them and wasting your acuteness4 ,i suspect it was in an evil hour that ,i came out to-day and met you2 my hopes were almost in my grasp2 and now here are you plunging me into a slough of despond with your demonstrations2 truth is undiscoverable1 if the search needs so many years4 ,ly4 ,my dear friend1 it would be much fairer to blame your parents1 ,menecrates and whatever your mother's name may have been--or indeed to go still further back to human nature4 ,why did not they make you a ,tithonus for years and durability8 instead of which1 they limited you like other men to a century at the outside4 ,as for me1 ,i have only been helping you to deduce results4 ,her4 ,no1 no2 it is just your way2 you want to crow over me2 you detest philosophy--,i cannot tell why--and poke fun at philosophers4 ,ly4 ,hermotimus1 ,i cannot show what truth is1 so well as wise people like you and your professor2 but one thing ,i do know about it1 and that is that it is not pleasant to the ear2 falsehood is far more esteemed2 it is prettier1 and therefore pleasanter2 while ,truth1 conscious of its purity1 blurts out downright remarks1 and offends people4 ,here is a case of it3 even you are offended with me for having discovered 7with your assistance7 how this matter really stands1 and shown that our common object is hard of attainment4 ,suppose you had been in love with a statue and hoped to win it1 under the impression that it was human1 and ,i had realized that it was only bronze or marble1 and given you a friendly warning that your passion was hopeless--you might just as well have thought ,i was your enemy then1 because ,i would not leave you a prey to extravagant and impracticable delusions4 ,her4 ,well1 well2 are we to give up philosophy1 then1 and idle our lives away like the common herd8 ,ly4 ,what have ,i said to justify that8 ,my point is not that we are to give up philosophy1 but this3 whereas we are to pursue philosophy1 and whereas there are many roads1 each professing to lead to philosophy and ,virtue1 and whereas it is uncertain which of these is the true road1 therefore the selection shall be made with care4 ,now we resolved that it was impossible out of many offers to choose the best1 unless a man should try all in turn2 and then the process of trial was found to be long4 ,what do you propose8--,it is the old question again4 ,to follow and join philosophic forces with whomsoever you first fall in with1 and let him thank ,fortune for his proselyte8 ,her4 ,what is the good of answering your questions8 ,you say no one can judge for himself1 unless he can devote the life of a phoenix to going round experimenting2 and on the other hand you refuse to trust either previous experience or the multitude of favourable testimony4 ,ly4 ,where is your multitude1 with knowledge and experience of all8 ,never mind the multitude2 one man who answers the description will do for me4 ,but if you mean the people who do not know1 their mere numbers will never persuade me1 as long as they pronounce upon all from knowledge of1 at the most1 one4 ,her4 ,are you the only man who has found the truth1 and are all the people who go in for philosophy fools8 ,ly4 ,you wrong me1 ,hermotimus1 when you imply that ,i put myself above other people1 or rank myself at all with those who know2 you forget what ,i said2 ,i never claimed to know the truth better than others1 only confessed that ,i was as ignorant of it as every one else4 ,her4 ,well1 but1 ,lycinus1 it may be all very well to insist on going the round1 testing the various statements1 and eschewing any other method of choice2 but it is ridiculous to spend so many years on each experiment1 as though there were no such thing as judging from samples4 ,that device seems to me quite simple1 and economical of time4 ,there is a story that some sculptor1 ,phidias1 ,i think1 seeing a single claw1 calculated from it the size of the lion1 if it were modelled proportionally4 ,so1 if some one were to let you see a man's hand1 keeping the rest of his body concealed1 you would know at once that what was behind was a man1 without seeing his whole body4 ,well1 it is easy to find out in a few hours the essential points of the various doctrines1 and1 for selecting the best1 these will suffice1 without any of your scrupulous exacting investigation4 ,ly4 ,upon my word1 how confident you are in your faculty of divining the whole from the parts6 and yet ,i remember being told just the opposite--that knowledge of the whole includes that of the parts1 but not vice versa4 ,well1 but tell me2 when ,phidias saw the claw1 would he ever have known it for a lion's1 if he had never seen a lion8 ,could you have said the hand was a man's1 if you had never known or seen a man8 ,why are you dumb8 ,let me make the only possible answer for you--that you could not2 ,i am afraid ,phidias has modelled his lion all for nothing2 for it proves to be neither here nor there4 ,what resemblance is there8 ,what enabled you and ,phidias to recognize the parts was just your knowledge of the wholes--the lion and the man4 ,but in philosophy--the ,stoic1 for instance--how will the part reveal the other parts to you1 or how can you conclude that they are beautiful8 ,you do not know the whole to which the parts belong4 ,then you say it is easy to hear in a few hours the essentials of all philosophy--meaning1 ,i suppose1 their principles and ends1 their accounts of ,god and the soul1 their views on the material and the immaterial1 their respective identification of pleasure or goodness with the desirable and the ,happy2 well1 it is easy--it is quite a trifle--to deliver an opinion after such a hearing2 but really to know where the truth lies will be work1 ,i suspect1 not for a few hours1 but for a good many days4 ,if not1 what can have induced them to enlarge on these rudiments to the tune of a hundred or a thousand volumes apiece8 ,i imagine they only wanted to establish the truth of those few points which you thought so easy and intelligible4 ,if you refuse to spend your time on a conscientious selection1 after personal examination of each and all1 in sum and in detail1 it seems to me you will still want your soothsayer to choose the best for you4 ,it would be a fine short cut1 with no meanderings or wastings of time1 if you sent for him1 listened to the summaries1 and killed a victim at the end of each2 by indicating in its liver which is the philosophy for you1 the ,god would save you a pack of troubles4 ,or1 if you like1 ,i can suggest a still simpler way2 you need not shed all this blood in sacrifice to any ,god1 nor employ an expensive priest2 put into an urn a set of tablets1 each marked with a philosopher's name1 and tell a boy 7he must be quite young1 and his parents both be living7 to go to the urn and pick out whichever tablet his hand first touches2 and live a philosopher ever after1 of the school which then comes out triumphant4 ,her4 ,this is buffoonery1 ,lycinus2 ,i should not have expected it of you4 ,now tell me1 did you ever buy wine8 in person1 ,i mean4 ,ly4 ,many a time4 ,her4 ,well1 did you go to every wine vault in town1 one after another1 tasting and comparing8 ,ly4 ,certainly not4 ,her4 ,no2 as soon as you find good sound stuff1 you have only to get it sent home4 ,ly4 ,to be sure4 ,her4 ,and from that little taste you could have answered for the quality of the whole8 ,ly4 ,yes4 ,her4 ,now suppose you had gone to all the wine-merchants and said3 ,i want to buy a pint of wine2 ,i must ask you1 gentlemen1 to let me drink the whole of the cask which each of you has on tap2 after that exhaustive sampling1 ,i shall know which of you keeps the best wine1 and is the man for my money4 ,if you had talked like that1 they might have laughed at you1 and1 if you persisted in worrying them1 have tried how you liked water4 ,ly4 ,yes2 it would be no more than my deserts4 ,her4 ,apply this to philosophy4 ,what need to drink the whole cask1 when you can judge the quality of the whole from one little taste8 ,ly4 ,what an adept at evasion you are1 ,hermotimus6 ,how you slip through one's fingers6 ,however1 it is all the better this time2 you fancied yourself out1 but you have flopped into the net again4 ,her4 ,what do you mean8 ,ly4 ,you take a thing whose nature is self-evident and universally admitted1 like wine1 and argue from it to perfectly unlike things1 whose nature is obscure and generally debated4 ,in fact ,i cannot tell what analogy you find between philosophy and wine2 there is just one1 indeed3 philosophers and wine-merchants both sell their wares1 mostly resorting to adulteration1 fraud1 and false measures1 in the process4 ,but let us look into your real meaning4 ,you say all the wine in a cask is of the same quality--which is perfectly reasonable2 further1 that any one who draws and tastes quite a small quantity will know at once the quality of the whole--of which the same may be said2 ,i should never have thought of objecting4 ,but mark what comes now3 do philosophy and its professors 7your own1 for instance7 give you every day the same remarks on the same subjects1 or do they vary them8 ,they vary them a great deal1 friend2 you would never have stuck to your master through your twenty years' wandering--quite a philosophic ,odyssey--if he had always said the same thing2 one hearing would have been enough4 ,her4 ,so it would4 ,ly4 ,how could you have known the whole of his doctrines from the first taste1 then8 ,they were not homogeneous1 like the wine2 novelty to-day1 and novelty to-morrow on the top of it4 ,consequently1 dear friend1 short of drinking the whole cask1 you might soak to no purpose2 ,providence seems to me to have hidden the philosophic ,good right at the bottom1 underneath the lees4 ,so you will have to drain it dry1 or you will never get to that nectar for which ,i know you have so long thirsted4 ,according to your idea1 it has such virtue that1 could you once taste it and swallow the very least drop1 you would straightway have perfect wisdom2 so they say the ,delphian prophetess is inspired by one draught of the sacred spring with answers for those who consult the oracle4 ,but it seems not to be so2 you have drunk more than half the cask2 yet you told me you were only beginning yet4 ,now see whether this is not a better analogy4 ,you shall keep your merchant1 and your cask2 but the contents of the latter are not to be wine1 but assorted seeds4 ,on the top is wheat1 next beans1 then barley1 below that lentils1 then peas--and other kinds yet4 ,you go to buy seeds1 and he takes some wheat out of that layer1 and puts it in your hand as a sample2 now1 could you tell by looking at that whether the peas were ,sound1 the lentils tender1 and the beans full8 ,her4 ,impossible4 ,ly4 ,no more can you tell the quality of a philosophy from the first statements of its professor2 it is not uniform1 like the wine to which you compared it1 claiming that it must resemble the sample glass2 it is heterogeneous1 and it had better not be cursorily tested4 ,if you buy bad wine1 the loss is limited to a few pence2 but to rot with the common herd 7in your own words7 is not so light a loss4 ,moreover1 your man who wants to drink up the cask as a preliminary to buying a pint will injure the merchant1 with his dubious sampling2 but philosophy knows no such danger2 you may drink your fill1 but this cask grows no emptier1 and its owner suffers no loss4 ,it is cut and come again here2 we have the converse of the ,danaids' cask2 that would not hold what was put into it2 it ran straight through2 but here1 the more you take away1 the more remains4 ,and ,i have another similar remark to make about these specimen drops of philosophy4 ,do not fancy ,i am libelling it1 if ,i say it is like hemlock1 aconite1 or other deadly poison4 ,those too1 though they have death in them1 will not kill if a man scrapes off the tiniest particle with the edge of his nail and tastes it2 if they are not taken in the right quantity1 the right manner1 and the right vehicle1 the taker will not die2 you were wrong in claiming that the least possible quantity is enough to base a generalization on4 ,her4 ,oh1 have it your own way1 ,lycinus4 ,well then1 we have got to live a hundred years1 and go through all this trouble8 ,there is no other road to philosophy8 ,ly4 ,no1 none2 and we need not complain2 as you very truly said1 ars longa1 vita brevis4 ,but ,i do not know what has come over you2 you now make a grievance of it1 if you cannot before set of sun develop into a ,chrysippus1 a ,plato1 a ,pythagoras4 ,her4 ,you trap me1 and drive me into a corner1 ,lycinus2 yet ,i never provoked you2 it is all envy1 ,i know1 because ,i have made some progress in my studies1 whereas you have neglected yourself1 when you were old enough to know better4 ,ly4 ,seest1 then1 thy true course8 never mind me1 but leave me as a lunatic to my follies1 and you go on your way and accomplish what you have intended all this time4 ,her4 ,but you are so masterful1 you will not let me make a choice1 till ,i have proved all4 ,ly4 ,why1 ,i confess1 you will never get me to budge from that4 ,but when you call me masterful1 it seems to me you blame the blameless1 as the poet says2 for ,i am myself being dragged along by reason1 until you bring up some other reason to release me from durance4 ,and here is reason about to talk more masterfully still1 you will see2 but ,i suppose you will exonerate it1 and blame me4 ,her4 ,what can it be8 ,i am surprised to hear it still has anything in reserve4 ,ly4 ,it says that seeing and going through all philosophies will not suffice1 if you want to choose the best of them2 the most important qualification is still missing4 ,her4 ,indeed8 ,which8 ,ly4 ,why 7bear with me71 a critical investigating faculty1 mental acumen1 intellectual precision and independence equal to the occasion2 without this1 the completest inspection will be useless4 ,reason insists that the owner of it must further be allowed ample time2 he will collect the rival candidates together1 and make his choice with long1 lingering1 repeated deliberation2 he will give no heed to the candidate's age1 appearance1 or repute for wisdom1 but perform his functions like the ,areopagites1 who judge in the darkness of night1 so that they must regard not the pleaders1 but the pleadings4 ,then and not till then will you be able to make a sound choice and live a philosopher4 ,her4 ,live8 an after life1 then4 ,no mortal span will meet your demands2 let me see3 go the whole round1 examine each with care1 on that examination form a judgement1 on that judgement make a choice1 on that choice be a philosopher2 so and no otherwise you say the truth may be found4 ,ly4 ,i hardly dare tell you--even that is not exhaustive2 ,i am afraid1 after all1 the solid basis we thought we had found was imaginary4 ,you know how fishermen often let down their nets1 feel a weight1 and pull them up expecting a great haul2 when they have got them up with much toil1 behold1 a stone1 or an old pot full of sand4 ,i fear our catch is one of those4 ,her4 ,i don't know what this particular net may be2 your nets are all round me1 anyhow4 ,ly4 ,well1 try and get through2 providentially1 you are as good a swimmer as can be4 ,now1 this is it3 granted that we go all round experimenting1 and get it done at last1 too1 ,i do not believe we shall have solved the elementary question1 whether any of them has the much-desired2 perhaps they are all wrong together4 ,her4 ,oh1 come now6 not one of them right either8 ,ly4 ,i cannot tell4 ,do you think it impossible they may all be deluded1 and the truth be something which none of them has yet found8 ,her4 ,how can it possibly be8 ,ly4 ,this way3 take a correct number1 twenty2 suppose1 ,i mean1 a man has twenty beans in his closed hand1 and asks ten different persons to guess the number2 they guess seven1 five1 thirty1 ten1 fifteen--various numbers1 in short4 ,it is possible1 ,i suppose1 that one may be right8 ,her4 ,yes4 ,ly4 ,it is not impossible1 however1 that they may all guess different incorrect numbers1 and not one of them suggest twenty beans4 ,what say you8 ,her4 ,it is not impossible4 ,ly4 ,in the same way1 all philosophers are investigating the nature of ,happiness2 they get different answers one ,pleasure1 another ,goodness1 and so through the list4 ,it is probable that ,happiness is one of these2 but it is also not improbable that it is something else altogether4 ,we seem to have reversed the proper procedure1 and hurried on to the end before we had found the beginning ,i suppose we ought first to have ascertained that the truth has actually been discovered1 and that some philosopher or other has it1 and only then to have gone on to the next question1 which of them is to be believed4 ,her4 ,so that1 even if we go all through all philosophy1 we shall have no certainty of finding the truth even then2 that is what you say4 ,ly4 ,please1 please do not ask me2 once more1 apply to reason itself4 ,its answer will perhaps be that there can be no certainty yet--as long as we cannot be sure that it is one or other of the things they say it is4 ,her4 ,then1 according to you1 we shall never finish our quest nor be philosophers1 but have to give it up and live the life of laymen4 ,what you say amounts to that3 philosophy is impossible and inaccessible to a mere mortal2 for you expect the aspirant first to choose the best philosophy2 and you considered that the only guarantee of such choice's being correct was to go through all philosophy before choosing the truest4 ,then in reckoning the number of years required by each you spurned all limits1 extended the thing to several generations1 and made out the quest of truth too long for the individual life2 and now you crown all by proving success doubtful even apart from all that2 you say it is uncertain whether the philosophers have ever found truth at all4 ,ly4 ,could you state on oath that they have8 ,her4 ,not on oath1 no4 ,ly4 ,and yet there is much that ,i have intentionally spared you1 though it merits careful examination too4 ,her4 ,for instance8 ,ly4 ,is it not said that1 among the professed ,stoics1 ,platonists1 and ,epicureans1 some do know their respective doctrines1 and some do not 7without prejudice to their general respectability78 ,her4 ,that is true4 ,ly4 ,well1 don't you think it will be a troublesome business to distinguish the first1 and know them from the ignorant professors8 ,her4 ,very4 ,ly4 ,so1 if you are to recognize the best of the ,stoics1 you will have to go to most1 if not all1 of them1 make trial1 and appoint the best your teacher1 first going through a course of training to provide you with the appropriate critical faculty2 otherwise you might mistakenly prefer the wrong one4 ,now reflect on the additional time this will mean2 ,i purposely left it out of account1 because ,i was afraid you might be angry2 all the same1 it is the most important and necessary thing of all in questions like this--so uncertain and dubious1 ,i mean4 ,for the discovery of truth1 your one and only sure or well-founded hope is the possession of this power3 you must be able to judge and sift truth from falsehood2 you must have the assayer's sense for sound and true or forged coin2 if you could have come to your examination of doctrines equipped with a technical skill like that1 ,i should have nothing to say2 but without it there is nothing to prevent their severally leading you by the nose2 you will follow a dangled bunch of carrots like a donkey2 or1 better still1 you will be water spilt on a table1 trained whichever way one chooses with a finger-tip2 or again1 a reed growing on a river's bank1 bending to every breath1 however gentle the breeze that shakes it in its passage4 ,if you could find a teacher1 now1 who understood demonstration and controversial method1 and would impart his knowledge to you1 you would be quit of your troubles2 the best and the true would straightway be revealed to you1 at the bidding of this art of demonstration1 while falsehood would stand convicted2 you would make your choice with confidence2 judgement would be followed by philosophy2 you would reach your long-desired ,happiness1 and live in its company1 which sums up all good things4 ,her4 ,thank you1 ,lycinus2 that is a much better hearing2 there is more than a glimpse of hope in that4 ,we must surely look for a man of that sort1 to give us discernment1 judgement1 and1 above all1 the power of demonstration2 then all will be easy and clear1 and not too long4 ,i am grateful to you already for thinking of this short and excellent plan4 ,ly4 ,ah1 no1 ,i cannot fairly claim gratitude yet4 ,i have not discovered or revealed anything that will bring you nearer your hope2 on the contrary1 we are further off than ever2 it is a case of much cry and little wool4 ,her4 ,bird of ill omen1 pessimist1 explain yourself4 ,ly4 ,why1 my friend1 even if we find some one who claims to know this art of demonstration1 and is willing to impart it1 we shall surely not take his word for it straight off2 we shall look about for another man to resolve us whether the first is telling the truth4 ,finding number two1 we shall still be uncertain whether our guarantor really knows the difference between a good judge and a bad1 and shall need a number three to guarantee number two2 for how can we possibly know ourselves how to select the best judge8 ,you see how far this must go2 the thing is unending2 its nature does not allow us to draw the line and put a stop to it2 for you will observe that all the demonstrations that can possibly be thought of are themselves unfounded and open to dispute2 most of them struggle to establish their certainty by appealing to facts as questionable as themselves2 and the rest produce certain truisms with which they compare1 quite illegitimately1 the most speculative theories1 and then say they have demonstrated the latter3 our eyes tell us there are altars to the ,gods2 therefore there must be ,gods2 that is the sort of thing4 ,her4 ,how unkindly you treat me1 ,lycinus1 turning my treasure into ashes2 ,i suppose all these years are to have been lost labour4 ,ly4 ,at least your chagrin will be considerably lessened by the thought that you are not alone in your disappointment2 practically all who pursue philosophy do no more than disquiet themselves in vain4 ,who could conceivably go through all the stages ,i have rehearsed8 you admit the impossibility yourself4 ,as to your present mood1 it is that of the man who cries and curses his luck because he cannot climb the sky1 or plunge into the depths of the sea at ,sicily and come up at ,cyprus1 or soar on wings and fly within the day from ,greece to ,india2 what is responsible for his discontent is his basing of hopes on a dream-vision or his own wild fancy1 without ever asking whether his aspirations were realizable or consistent with humanity4 ,you too1 my friend1 have been having a long and marvellous dream2 and now reason has stuck a pin into you and startled you out of your sleep2 your eyes are only half open yet1 you are reluctant to shake off a sleep which has shown you such fair visions1 and so you scold4 ,it is just the condition of the day-dreamer2 he is rolling in gold1 digging up treasure1 sitting on his throne1 or somehow at the summit of bliss2 for dame ,how-,i-wish is a lavish facile ,goddess1 that will never turn a deaf ear to her votary1 though he have a mind to fly1 or change statures with ,colossus1 or strike a gold- reef2 well1 in the middle of all this1 in comes his servant with some every-day question1 wanting to know where he is to get bread1 or what he shall say to the landlord1 tired of waiting for his rent2 and then he flies into a temper1 as though the intrusive questioner had robbed him of all his bliss1 and is ready to bite the poor fellow's nose off4 ,as you love me1 do not treat me like that4 ,i see you digging up treasure1 spreading your wings1 nursing extravagant ideas1 indulging impossible hopes2 and ,i love you too well to leave you to the company of a life-long dream--a pleasant one1 if you will1 but yet a dream2 ,i beseech you to get up and take to some every-day business1 such as may direct the rest of your life's course by common sense4 ,your acts and your thoughts up to now have been no more than ,centaurs1 ,chimeras1 ,gorgons1 or what else is figured by dreams and poets and painters1 chartered libertines all1 who reek not of what has been or may be4 ,yet the common folk believe them1 bewitched by tale and picture just because they are strange and monstrous4 ,i fancy you hearing from some teller of tales how there is a certain lady of perfect beauty1 beyond the ,graces themselves or the ,heavenly ,aphrodite1 and then1 without ever an inquiry whether his tale is true1 and such a person to be found on earth1 falling straight in love with her1 like ,medea in the story enamoured of a dream-,jason4 ,and what most drew you on to love1 you and the others who worship the same phantom1 was1 if ,i am not mistaken1 the consistent way in which the inventor of the lady added to his picture1 when once he had got your ear4 ,that was the only thing you all looked to1 with that he turned you about as he would1 having got his first hold upon you1 averring that he was leading you the straight way to your beloved4 ,after the first step1 you see1 all was easy2 none of you ever looked round when he came to the entrance1 and inquired whether it was the right one1 or whether he had accidentally taken the wrong2 no1 you all followed in your predecessors' footsteps1 like sheep after the bell-wether1 whereas the right thing was to decide at the entrance whether you should go in4 ,perhaps an illustration will make my meaning clearer3 when one of those audacious poets affirms that there was once a three-headed and six-handed man1 if you accept that quietly without questioning its possibility1 he will proceed to fill in the picture consistently--six eyes and ears1 three voices talking at once1 three mouths eating1 and thirty fingers instead of our poor ten all told2 if he has to fight1 three of his hands will have a buckler1 wicker targe1 or shield apiece1 while of the other three one swings an axe1 another hurls a spear1 and the third wields a sword4 ,it is too late to carp at these details1 when they come2 they are consistent with the beginning2 it was about that that the question ought to have been raised whether it was to be accepted and passed as true4 ,once grant that1 and the rest comes flooding in1 irresistible1 hardly now susceptible of doubt1 because it is consistent and accordant with your initial admissions4 ,that is just your case2 your love-yearning would not allow you to look into the facts at each entrance1 and so you are dragged on by consistency2 it never occurs to you that a thing may be self- consistent and yet false2 if a man says twice five is seven1 and you take his word for it without checking the sum1 he will naturally deduce that four times five is fourteen1 and so on ad libitum4 ,this is the way that weird geometry proceeds3 it sets before beginners certain strange assumptions1 and insists on their granting the existence of inconceivable things1 such as points having no parts1 lines without breadth1 and so on1 builds on these rotten foundations a superstructure equally rotten1 and pretends to go on to a demonstration which is true1 though it starts from premisses which are false4 ,just so you1 when you have granted the principles of any school1 believe in the deductions from them1 and take their consistency1 false as it is1 for a guarantee of truth4 ,then with some of you1 hope travels through1 and you die before you have seen the truth and detected your deceivers1 while the rest1 disillusioned too late1 will not turn back for shame3 what1 confess at their years that they have been abused with toys all this time8 so they hold on desperately1 putting the best face upon it and making all the converts they can1 to have the consolation of good company in their deception2 they are well aware that to speak out is to sacrifice the respect and superiority and honour they are accustomed to2 so they will not do it if it may be helped1 knowing the height from which they will fall to the common level4 ,just a few are found with the courage to say they were deluded1 and warn other aspirants4 ,meeting such a one1 call him a good man1 a true and an honest2 nay1 call him philosopher1 if you will2 to my mind1 the name is his or no one's2 the rest either have no knowledge of the truth1 though they think they have1 or else have knowledge and hide it1 shamefaced cowards clinging to reputation4 ,but now for goodness' sake let us drop all this1 cover it up with an amnesty1 and let it be as if it had not been said2 let us1 assume that the ,stoic philosophy1 and no other1 is correct2 then we can examine whether it is practicable and possible1 or its disciples wasting their pains2 it makes wonderful promises1 ,i am told1 about the ,happiness in store for those who reach the summit2 for none but they shall enter into full possession of the true ,good4 ,the next point you must help me with-- whether you have ever met such a ,stoic1 such a pattern of ,stoicism1 as to be unconscious of pain1 untempted by pleasure1 free from wrath1 superior to envy1 contemptuous of wealth1 and1 in one word1 ,happy2 such should the example and model of the ,virtuous life be2 for any one who falls short in the slightest degree1 even though he is better than other men at all points1 is not complete1 and in that case not yet ,happy4 ,her4 ,i never saw such a man4 ,ly4 ,i am glad you do not palter with the truth4 ,but what are your hopes in pursuing philosophy1 then8 ,you see that neither your own teacher1 nor his1 nor his again1 and so on to the tenth generation1 has been absolutely wise and so attained ,happiness4 ,it will not serve you to say that it is enough to get near ,happiness2 that is no good2 a person on the doorstep is just as much outside and in the air as another a long way off1 though with the difference that the former is tantalized by a nearer view4 ,so it is to get into the neighbourhood of ,happiness--,i will grant you so much--that you toil like this1 wearing yourself away1 letting this great portion of your life slip from you1 while you are sunk in dullness and wakeful weariness2 and you are to go on with it for twenty more years at the least1 you tell me1 to take your place when you are eighty--always assuming some one to assure you that length of days--in the ranks of the not yet ,happy4 ,or perhaps you reckon on being the exception2 you are to crown your pursuit by attaining what many a good man before you1 swifter far1 has pursued and never overtaken4 ,well1 overtake it1 if that is your plan1 grasp it and have it whole1 this something1 mysterious to me1 of which the possession is sufficient reward for such toils2 this something which ,i wonder how long you will have the enjoyment of1 old man that you will be1 past all pleasure1 with one foot in the grave2 ah1 but perhaps1 like a brave soul1 you are getting ready for another life1 that you may spend it the better when you come to it1 having learned how to live3 as though one should take so long preparing and elaborating a superlative dinner that he fainted with hunger and exhaustion6 ,however1 there is another thing ,i do not think you have observed3 ,virtue is manifested1 of course1 in action1 in doing what is just and wise and manly2 but you--and when ,i say you1 ,i mean the most advanced philosophers--you do not seek these things and ensue them1 but spend the greater part of your life conning over miserable sentences and demonstrations and problems2 it is the man who does best at these that you hail a glorious victor4 ,and ,i believe that is why you admire this experienced old professor of yours3 he nonplusses his associates1 knows how to put crafty questions and inveigle you into pitfalls2 so you pay no attention to the fruit--which consists in action--1 but are extremely busy with the husks1 and smother each other with the leaves in your debates2 come now1 ,hermotimus1 what else are you about from morning to night8 ,her4 ,nothing2 that is what it comes to4 ,ly4 ,is it wronging you to say that you hunt the shadow or the snake's dead slough1 and neglect the solid body or the creeping thing itself8 ,you are no better than a man pouring water into a mortar and braying it with an iron pestle2 he thinks he is doing a necessary useful job1 whereas1 let him bray till all's blue 7excuse the slang71 the water is as much water as ever it was4 ,and here let me ask you whether1 putting aside his discourse1 you would choose to resemble your master1 and be as passionate1 as sordid1 as quarrelsome1 ay1 and as addicted to pleasure 7though that trait of his is not generally known74 ,why no answer1 ,hermotimus8 ,shall ,i tell you a plea for philosophy which ,i lately heard8 ,it was from the mouth of an old1 old man1 who has quite a company of young disciples4 ,he was angrily demanding his fees from one of these2 they were long overdue1 he said2 the day stated in the agreement was the first of the month1 and it was now the fifteenth4 ,the youth's uncle was there1 a rustic person without any notion of your refinements2 and by way of stilling the storm1 ,come1 come1 sir1 says he1 you need not make such a fuss because we have bought words of you and not yet settled the bill4 ,as to what you have sold us1 you have got it still2 your stock of learning is none the less2 and in what ,i really sent the boy to you for1 you have not improved him a bit2 he has carried off and seduced neighbour ,echecrates's daughter1 and there would have been an action for assault1 only ,echecrates is a poor man2 but the prank cost me a couple of hundred4 ,and the other day he struck his mother2 she had tried to stop him when he was smuggling wine out of the house1 for one of his club-dinners1 ,i suppose4 ,as to temper and conceit and impudence and brass and lying1 he was not half so bad twelve months ago as he is now4 ,that is where ,i should have liked him to profit by your teaching2 and we could have done1 without his knowing the stuff he reels of at table every day3 'a crocodile ,footnote3 ,see ,puzzles in ,notes4 seized hold of a baby1' says he1 'and promised to give it back if its father could answer'--the ,lord knows what2 or how1 'day ,footnote3 ,see ,puzzles in ,notes4 being1 night cannot be'2 and sometimes his worship twists round what we say somehow or other1 till there we are with horns ,footnote3 ,see ,puzzles in ,notes4 on our heads6 ,we just laugh at it--most of all when he stuffs up his ears and repeats to himself what he calls temperaments and conditions and conceptions and impressions1 and a lot more like that4 ,and he tells us ,god is not in heaven1 but goes about in everything1 wood and stone and animals--the meanest of them1 too2 and if his mother asks him why he talks such stuff1 he laughs at her and says if once he gets the 'stuff' pat off1 there will be nothing to prevent him from being the only rich man1 the only king1 and counting every one else slaves and offscourings4 ,when he had finished1 mark the reverend philosopher's answer4 ,you should consider1 he said1 that if he had never come to me1 he would have behaved far worse--very possibly have come to the gallows4 ,as it is1 philosophy and the respect he has for it have been a check upon him1 so that you find he keeps within bounds and is not quite unbearable2 the philosophic system and name tutor him with their presence1 and the thought of disgracing them shames him4 ,i should be quite justified in taking your money1 if not for any positive improvement ,i have effected1 yet for the abstentions due to his respect for philosophy2 the very nurses will tell you as much3 children should go to school1 because1 even if they are not old enough to learn1 they will at least be out of mischief there4 ,my conscience is quite easy about him2 if you like to select any of your friends who is acquainted with ,stoicism and bring him here to-morrow1 you shall see how the boy can question and answer1 how much he has learnt1 how many books he has read on axioms1 syllogisms1 conceptions1 duty1 and all sorts of subjects4 ,as for his hitting his mother or seducing girls1 what have ,i to do with that8 am ,i his keeper8 ,a dignified defence of philosophy for an old man6 ,perhaps you will say too that it is a good enough reason for pursuing it1 if it will keep us from worse employments4 ,were our original expectations from philosophy at all of a different nature1 by the way8 did they contemplate anything beyond a more decent behaviour than the average8 ,why this obstinate silence8 ,her4 ,oh1 why but that ,i could cry like a baby8 ,it cuts me to the heart1 it is all so true2 it is too much for me1 when ,i think of my wretched1 wasted years--paying all that money for my own labour1 too6 ,i am sober again after a debauch1 ,i see what the object of my maudlin affection is like1 and what it has brought upon me4 ,ly4 ,no need for tears1 dear fellow2 that is a very sensible fable of ,aesop's4 ,a man sat on the shore and counted the waves breaking2 missing count1 he was excessively annoyed4 ,but the fox came up and said to him3 ',why vex yourself1 good sir1 over the past ones8 you should let them go1 and begin counting afresh4' ,so you1 since this is your mind1 had better reconcile yourself now to living like an ordinary man2 you will give up your extravagant haughty hopes and put yourself on a level with the commonalty2 if you are sensible1 you will not be ashamed to unlearn in your old age1 and change your course for a better4 ,now ,i beg you not to fancy that ,i have said all this as an anti-,stoic1 moved by any special dislike of your school2 my arguments hold against all schools4 ,i should have said just the same if you had chosen ,plato or ,aristotle1 and condemned the others unheard4 ,but1 as ,stoicism was your choice1 the argument has seemed to be aimed at that1 though it had no such special application4 ,her4 ,you are quite right4 ,and now ,i will be off to metamorphose myself4 ,when we next meet1 there will be no long1 shaggy beard1 no artificial composure2 ,i shall be natural1 as a gentleman should4 ,i may go as far as a fashionable coat1 by way of publishing my renunciation of nonsense4 ,i only wish there were an emetic that would purge out every doctrine they have instilled into me2 ,i assure you1 if ,i could reverse ,chrysippus's plan with the hellebore1 and drink forgetfulness1 not of the world but of ,stoicism1 ,i would not think twice about it4 ,well1 ,lycinus1 ,i owe you a debt indeed2 ,i was being swept along in a rough turbid torrent1 unresisting1 drifting with the stream2 when lo1 you stood there and fished me out1 a true deus ex machina4 ,i have good enough reason1 ,i think1 to shave my head like the people who get clear off from a wreck2 for ,i am to make votive offerings to-day for the dispersion of that thick cloud which was over my eyes4 ,henceforth1 if ,i meet a philosopher on my walks 7and it will not be with my will71 ,i shall turn aside and avoid him as ,i would a mad dog4 ,,herodotus ,,and ,,aetion ,i devoutly wish that ,herodotus's other characteristics were imitable2 not all of them1 of course--that is past praying for--1 but any one of them3 the agreeable style1 the constructive skill1 the native charm of his ,ionic1 the sententious wealth1 or any of a thousand beauties which he combined into one whole1 to the despair of imitators4 ,but there is one thing--the use he made of his writings1 and the speed with which he attained the respect of all ,greece2 from that you1 or ,i1 or any one else1 might take a hint4 ,as soon as he had sailed from his ,carian home for ,greece1 he concentrated his thoughts on the quickest and easiest method of winning a brilliant reputation for himself and his works4 ,he might have gone the round1 and read them successively at ,athens1 ,corinth1 ,argos1 and ,sparta2 but that would be a long toilsome business1 he thought1 with no end to it2 so he would not do it in detail1 collecting his recognition by degrees1 and scraping it together little by little2 his idea was1 if possible1 to catch all ,greece together4 ,the great ,olympic ,games were at hand1 and ,herodotus bethought him that here was the very occasion on which his heart was set4 ,he seized the moment when the gathering was at its fullest1 and every city had sent the flower of its citizens2 then he appeared in the temple hall1 bent not on sight-seeing1 but on bidding for an ,olympic victory of his own2 he recited his ,histories1 and bewitched his hearers2 nothing would do but each book must be named after one of the ,muses1 to whose number they corresponded4 ,he was straightway known to all1 better far than the ,olympic winners4 ,there was no man who had not heard his name2 they had listened to him at ,olympia1 or they were told of him by those who had been there2 he had only to appear1 and fingers were pointing at him3 ',there is the great ,herodotus1 who wrote the ,persian ,war in ,ionic1 and celebrated our victories4' ,that was what he made out of his ,histories2 a single meeting sufficed1 and he had the general unanimous acclamation of all ,greece2 his name was proclaimed1 not by a single herald2 every spectator did that for him1 each in his own city4 ,the royal road to fame was now discovered2 it was the regular practice of many afterwards to deliver their discourses at the festival2 ,hippias the rhetorician was on his own ground there2 but ,prodicus came from ,ceos1 ,anaximenes from ,chios1 ,polus from ,agrigentum2 and a rapid fame it brought1 to them and many others4 ,however1 ,i need not have cited ancient rhetoricians1 historians1 and chroniclers like these2 in quite recent times the painter ,aetion is said to have brought his picture1 ,nuptials of ,roxana and ,alexander1 to exhibit at ,olympia2 and ,proxenides1 ,high ,steward of the ,games on the occasion1 was so delighted with his genius that he gave him his daughter4 ,it must have been a very wonderful picture1 ,i think ,i hear some one say1 to make the ,high ,steward give his daughter to a stranger4 ,well1 ,i have seen it--it is now in ,italy--1 so ,i can tell you4 ,a fair chamber1 with the bridal bed in it2 ,roxana seated--and a great beauty she is--with downcast eyes1 troubled by the presence of ,alexander1 who is standing4 ,several smiling ,loves2 one stands behind ,roxana1 pulling away the veil on her head to show her to ,alexander2 another obsequiously draws off her sandal1 suggesting bed-time2 a third has hold of ,alexander's mantle1 and is dragging him with all his might towards ,roxana4 ,the ,king is offering her a garland1 and by him as supporter and groom's-man is ,hephaestion1 holding a lighted torch and leaning on a very lovely boy2 this is ,hymenaeus1 ,i conjecture1 for there are no letters to show4 ,on the other side of the picture1 more ,loves playing among ,alexander's armour2 two are carrying his spear1 as porters do a heavy beam2 two more grasp the handles of the shield1 tugging it along with another reclining on it1 playing king1 ,i suppose2 and then another has got into the breast-plate1 which lies hollow part upwards2 he is in ambush1 and will give the royal equipage a good fright when it comes within reach4 ,all this is not idle fancy1 on which the painter has been lavishing needless pains2 he is hinting that ,alexander has also another love1 in ,war2 though he loves ,roxana1 he does not forget his armour4 ,and1 by the way1 there was some extra nuptial virtue in the picture itself1 outside the realm of fancy2 for it did ,aetion's wooing for him4 ,he departed with a wedding of his own as a sort of pendant to that of ,alexander2 his groom's-man was the ,king2 and the price of his marriage-piece was a marriage4 ,herodotus1 then 7to return to him71 thought that the ,olympic festival would serve a second purpose very well--that of revealing to the ,greeks a wonderful historian who had related their victories as he had done4 ,as for me--and in ,heaven's name do not suppose me so beside myself as to intend any comparison between my works and his2 ,i desire his favour too much for that--but one experience ,i have in common with him4 ,on my first visit to ,macedonia1 my thoughts too were busy with my best policy4 ,my darling wish was to be known to you all1 and to exhibit my writings to as many ,macedonians as might be2 ,i decided that it would be too great an undertaking at such a time of year to go round in person visiting city by city2 but if ,i seized the occasion of this your meeting1 appeared before you all1 and delivered my discourse1 my aspirations1 ,i thought1 might be realized that way4 ,and now here are you met together1 the elite of every city1 the true soul of ,macedonia2 the town which lodges you is the chief of all1 little enough resembling ,pisa1 with its crowding1 its tents and hovels and stifling heat2 there is as great a difference between this audience and that promiscuous crowd1 mainly intent upon mere athletics1 and thinking of ,herodotus only as a stop-gap2 here we have orators1 historians1 professors1 the first in each kind--that is much in itself2 my arena1 it seems1 need not suffer from comparison with ,olympia4 ,and though1 if you insist on matching me with the ,polydamases1 ,glaucuses1 and ,milos of literature1 you must think me a very presumptuous person1 it is open to you on the other hand to put them out of your thoughts altogether2 and if you strip and examine me independently1 you may decide that at least ,i need not be whipped4 ,footnote3 ,cf4 ,remarks addressed to an ,illiterate ,book-fancier1 #i4 ,considering the nature of the contest1 ,i may well be satisfied with that measure of success4 ,,zeuxis ,,and ,,antiochus ,i was lately walking home after lecturing1 when a number of my audience 7you are now my friends1 gentlemen1 and there can be no objection to my telling you this7--these persons1 then1 came to me and introduced themselves1 with the air of admiring hearers4 ,they accompanied me a considerable way1 with such laudatory exclamations that ,i was reduced to blushing at the discrepancy between praise and thing praised4 ,their chief point1 which they were absolutely unanimous in emphasizing1 was that the substance of my work was so fresh1 so crammed with novelty4 ,i had better give you their actual phrases3 ',how new6 ,what paradoxes1 to be sure6 ,what invention the man has6 ,his ideas are quite unequalled for originality4' ,they said a great deal of this sort about my fascinating lecture1 as they called it2 they could have had no motive for pretending1 or addressing such flatteries to a stranger who had no independent claims on their attention4 ,these commendations1 to be quite frank1 were very far from gratifying to me2 when at length they left me to myself1 my reflections took this course3--,so the only attraction in my work is that it is unusual1 and does not follow the beaten track2 good vocabulary1 orthodox composition1 insight1 subtlety1 ,attic grace1 general constructive skill--these may for aught ,i know be completely wanting2 else indeed they would hardly have left them unnoticed1 and approved my method only as new and startling4 ,fool that ,i was1 ,i did indeed guess1 when they jumped up to applaud1 that novelty was part of the attraction2 ,i knew that ,homer spoke truly when he said there is favour for the new song2 but ,i did not see that novelty was to have so vast a share--the whole1 indeed--of the credit2 ,i thought it gave a sort of adventitious charm1 and contributed1 its part to the success1 but that the real object of commendation--what extracted the cheers--was those other qualities4 ,why1 ,i have been absurdly self- satisfied1 and come very near believing them when they called me the one and only real ,greek1 and such nonsense4 ,but behold1 my gold is turned to ashes2 my fame1 after all1 is little different from that enjoyed by a conjuror4 ,now ,i should like to give you an illustration from painting4 ,the great ,zeuxis1 after he had established his artistic supremacy1 seldom or never painted such common popular subjects as ,heroes1 ,gods1 and battle-pieces2 he was always intent on novelty2 he would hit upon some extravagant and strange design1 and then use it to show his mastery of the art4 ,one of these daring pieces of his represented a female ,centaur1 nursing a pair of infant ,centaur twins4 ,there is a copy of the picture now at ,athens1 taken exactly from the original4 ,the latter is said to have been put on ship--board for ,italy with the rest of ,sulla's art treasures1 and to have been lost with them by the sinking of the ship1 off ,malea1 ,i think it was4 ,the picture of the picture ,i have seen1 and the best word-picture ,i can manage of that ,i am now to give you2 ,i am no connoisseur1 you must understand1 but ,i have a vivid recollection of it as ,i saw it in an ,athenian studio not long ago2 and my warm admiration of it as a work of art may perhaps inspire me with a clear description4 ,on fresh green-sward appears the mother ,centaur1 the whole equine part of her stretched on the ground1 her hoofs extended backwards2 the human part is slightly raised on the elbows2 the fore feet are not extended like the others1 for she is only partially on her side2 one of them is bent as in the act of kneeling1 with the hoof tucked in1 while the other is beginning to straighten and take a hold on the ground--the action of a horse rising4 ,of the cubs she is holding one in her arms suckling it in the human fashion1 while the other is drawing at the mare's dug like a foal4 ,in the upper part of the picture1 as on higher ground1 is a ,centaur who is clearly the husband of the nursing mother2 he leans over laughing1 visible only down to the middle of his horse body2 he holds a lion whelp aloft in his right hand1 terrifying the youngsters with it in sport4 ,there are no doubt qualities in the painting which evade analysis by a mere amateur1 and yet involve supreme craftsmanship--such things as precision of line1 perfect mastery of the palette1 clever brush-work1 management of shadow1 perspective1 proportion1 and relation of the parts to the whole2 but ,i leave all that to the professionals whose business it is to appreciate it2 what strikes me especially about ,zeuxis is the manifold scope which he has found for his extraordinary skill1 in a single subject4 ,you have in the husband a truly terrible savage creature2 his locks toss about1 he is almost covered with hair1 human part as well as equine2 the shoulders high to monstrosity2 the look1 even in his merry mood1 brutal1 uncivilized1 wild4 ,in contrast with him1 the animal half of the female is lovely2 a ,thessalian filly1 yet unbroken and unbacked1 might come nearest2 and the human upper half is also most beautiful1 with the one exception of the ears1 which are pointed as in a satyr4 ,at the point of junction which blends the two natures1 there is no sharp line of division1 but the most gradual of transitions2 a touch here1 a trait there1 and you are surprised to find the change complete4 ,it was perfectly wonderful1 again1 to see the combination of wildness and infancy1 of terrible and tender1 in the young ones1 looking up in baby curiosity at the lion-cub1 while they held on to breast and dug1 and cuddled close to their dam4 ,zeuxis imagined that when the picture was shown the technique of it would take visitors by storm4 ,well1 they did acclaim him2 they could hardly help that1 with such a masterpiece before them2 but their commendations were all in the style of those given to me the other night2 it was the strangeness of the idea1 the fresh unhackneyed sentiment of the picture1 and so on4 ,zeuxis saw that they were preoccupied with the novelty of his subject1 art was at a discount1 and truth of rendering quite a minor matter4 ',oh1 pack it up1 ,miccio1' he said to his pupil1 'and you and the others take it home2 these people are delighted with the earthy part of the work2 the questions of its aim1 its beauty1 its artistic merit1 are of no importance whatever2 novelty of subject goes for much more than truth of rendering4' ,so said ,zeuxis1 not in the best of tempers4 ,antiochus ,soter had a somewhat similar experience about his battle with the ,galatians4 ,if you will allow me1 ,i propose to give you an account of that event also4 ,these people were good fighters1 and on this occasion in great force2 they were drawn up in a serried phalanx1 the first rank1 which consisted of steel- clad warriors1 being supported by men of the ordinary heavy-armed type to the depth of four-and-twenty2 twenty thousand cavalry held the flanks2 and there were eighty scythed1 and twice that number of ordinary war chariots ready to burst forth from the centre4 ,these dispositions filled ,antiochus with apprehension1 and he thought the task was too hard for him4 ,his own preparations had been hurried1 on no great scale1 and inadequate to the occasion2 he had brought quite a small force1 mostly of skirmishers and light-armed troops2 more than half his men were without defensive armour4 ,he was disposed to negotiate and find some honourable composition4 ,theodotas of ,rhodes1 however1 a brave and skilful officer1 put him in heart again4 ,antiochus had sixteen elephants2 ,theodotas advised him to conceal these as well as he could for the present1 not letting their superior height betray them2 when the signal for battle was given1 the shock just at hand1 the enemy's cavalry charging1 and their phalanx opening to give free passage to the chariots1 then would be the time for the elephants4 ,a section of four was to meet the cavalry on each flank1 and the remaining eight to engage the chariot squadron4 ',by this means1' he concluded1 'the horses will be frightened1 and there will be a stampede into the ,galatian infantry4' ,his anticipations were realized1 thus3 ,neither the ,galatians nor their horses had ever seen an elephant1 and they were so taken aback by the strange sight that1 long before the beasts came to close quarters1 the mere sound of their trumpeting1 the sight of their gleaming tusks relieved against dark bodies1 and minatory waving trunks1 was enough2 before they were within bow-shot1 the enemy broke and ran in utter disorder2 the infantry were spitted on each other's spears1 and trampled by the cavalry who came scurrying on to them4 ,the chariots1 turning in like manner upon their own friends1 whirled about among them by no means harmlessly2 it was a ,homeric scene of 'rumbling tumbling cars'2 when once the horses shied at those formidable elephants1 off went the drivers1 and 'the lordless chariots rattled on1' their scythes maiming and carving any of their late masters whom they came within reach of2 and1 in that chaos1 many were the victims4 ,next came the elephants1 trampling1 tossing1 tearing1 goring2 and a very complete victory they had made of it for ,antiochus4 ,the carnage was great1 and all the ,galatians were either killed or captured1 with the exception of a quite small band which got off to the mountains2 ,antiochus's ,macedonians sang the ,paean1 gathered round1 and garlanded him with acclamations on the glorious victory4 ,but the ,king--so the story goes--was in tears2 ',my men1' he said1 'we have more reason for shame2 saved by those sixteen brutes6 if their strangeness had not produced the panic1 where should we have been8' ,and on the trophy he would have nothing carved except just an elephant4 ,gentlemen1 de me fabula2 are my resources like those of ,antiochus-- quite unfit for battle on the whole1 but including some elephants1 some queer impositions1 some jugglery1 in fact8 ,that is what all the praise ,i hear points at4 ,the things ,i really relied upon seem to be of little account2 the mere fact that my picture is of a female ,centaur exercises fascination2 it passes for a novelty and a marvel1 as indeed it is4 ,the rest of ,zeuxis's pains is thrown away1 ,i suppose4 ,but ah1 no1 not thrown away--2 you are connoisseurs1 and judge by the rules of art4 ,i only hope the show may be worthy of the spectators4 ,,harmonides ',tell me1 ,timotheus1' said ,harmonides the flute-player one day to his teacher1 'tell me how ,i may win distinction in my art4 ,what can ,i do to make myself known all over ,greece8 ,everything but this you have taught me4 ,i have a correct ear1 thanks to you1 and a smooth1 even delivery1 and have acquired the light touch so essential to the rendering of rapid measures2 rhythmical effect1 the adaptation of music to dance1 the true character of the different moods--exalted ,phrygian1 joyous ,lydian1 majestic ,dorian1 voluptuous ,ionic--all these ,i have mastered with your assistance4 ,but the prime object of my musical aspirations seems out of my reach3 ,i mean popular esteem1 distinction1 and notoriety2 ,i would have all eyes turn in my direction1 all tongues repeat my name3 ,there goes ,harmonides1 the great flute-player4 ,now when you first came from your home in ,boeotia1 and performed in the ,procne1 and won the prize for your rendering of the ,ajax ,furens1 composed by your namesake1 there was not a man who did not know the name of ,timotheus of ,thebes2 and in these days you have only to show yourself1 and people flock together as birds do at the sight of an owl in daylight4 ,it is for this that ,i sought to become a flute-player2 this was to be the reward of all my toil4 ,the skill without the glory ,i would not take at a gift1 not though ,i should prove to be a ,marsyas or an ,olympus in disguise4 ,what is the use of a light that is to be hidden under a bushel8 ,show me then1 ,timotheus1 how ,i may avail myself of my powers and of my art4 ,i shall be doubly your debtor3 not for my skill alone1 but for the glory that skill confers4' ',why1 really1' says ,timotheus1 'it is no such easy matter1 ,harmonides1 to become a public character1 or to gain the prestige and distinction to which you aspire2 and if you propose to set about it by performing in public1 you will find it a long business1 and at the best will never achieve a universal reputation4 ,where will you find a theatre or circus large enough to admit the whole nation as your audience8 ,but if you would attain your object and become known1 take this hint4 ,by all means perform occasionally in the theatres1 but do not concern yourself with the public4 ,here is the royal road to fame3 get together a small and select audience of connoisseurs1 real experts1 whose praise1 whose blame are equally to be relied upon2 display your skill to these2 and if you can win their approval1 you may rest content that in a single hour you have gained a national reputation4 ,i argue thus4 ,if you are known to be an admirable performer by persons who are themselves universally known and admired1 what have you to do with public opinion8 ,public opinion must inevitably follow the opinion of the best judges4 ,the public after all is mainly composed of untutored minds1 that know not good from bad themselves2 but when they hear a man praised by the great authorities1 they take it for granted that he is not undeserving of praise1 and praise him accordingly4 ,it is the same at the games3 most of the spectators know enough to clap or hiss1 but the judging is done by some five or six persons4' ,harmonides had no time to put this policy into practice4 ,the story goes that in his first public competition he worked so energetically at his flute1 that he breathed his last into it1 and expired then and there1 before he could be crowned4 ,his first ,dionysiac performance was also his last4 ,but ,timotheus's remarks need not be confined to ,harmonides1 nor to his profession3 they seem applicable to all whose ambition prompts them to exhibit their talents and to aim at the approbation of the public4 ,accordingly1 when ,i1 like ,harmonides1 was debating within myself the speediest means of becoming known1 ,i took ,timotheus's advice3 ',who1' ,i asked myself1 'is the foremost man in all this city8 ,whose credit is highest with his neighbours8 ,who shall be my multum in parvo8' ,only one name could reasonably suggest itself--your own2 which stands for the perfection of every excellence1 the glass of culture and the mould of wit4 ,to submit my works to you1 to win your approbation--if such a thing might be6--were to reach the goal of my desire2 for your suffrage carries the rest with it4 ,whom1 indeed1 could ,i substitute in your place1 and hope to preserve a reputation for sanity8 ,in a sense1 no doubt1 ,i shall be hazarding all on one cast of the die3 yet with more truth ,i might be said to have summoned the whole population into one audience- chamber2 for your single judgement must assuredly outweigh the rest1 taken individually or collectively4 ,the ,spartan kings had two votes each to the ordinary man's one3 but you are a whole ,privy ,council and ,senate in yourself4 ,your influence is unequalled in the ,court of ,literature1 and1 above all1 yours is the casting-vote of acquittal2 an encouraging thought for me1 who might well be uneasy otherwise at the extent of my hardihood4 ,moreover1 ,i am not wholly without a claim on your interest1 as belonging to that city which has so often enjoyed peculiar benefits at your hand1 in addition to those which it has shared with the nation at large2 and this encourages me to hope that in the present instance1 if judgement is going against me1 and the votes of acquittal are in a minority1 you will use your prerogative1 and make all right with that casting-vote of yours4 ,i may have had successes1 ,i may have made a name1 my lectures may have been well received3--all this amounts to nothing2 it is visionary2 it is a mere bubble4 ,the truth must come to light now2 ,i am put to a final test2 there will be no room for doubt or hesitation after this4 ,it rests with you1 whether my literary rank shall be assured1 or my pretensions--but no6 with such a contest before me1 ,i will abstain from words of evil omen4 ,ye ,gods1 give me approval here1 and set the seal upon my reputation6 ,i may then face the world with a light heart3 he who has carried the prize at ,olympia need fear no other course4 ,,the ,,scythian ,anacharsis was not the first ,scythian who was induced by the love of ,greek culture to leave his native country and visit ,athens3 he had been preceded by ,toxaris1 a man of high ability and noble sentiments1 and an eager student of manners and customs2 but of low origin1 not like ,anacharsis a member of the royal family or of the aristocracy of his country1 but what they call 'an eight-hoof man1' a term which implies the possession of a waggon and two oxen4 ,toxaris never returned to ,scythia1 but died at ,athens1 where he presently came to be ranked among the ,heroes2 and sacrifice is still paid to 'the ,foreign ,physician1' as he was styled after his deification4 ,some account of the significance of this name1 the origin of his worship1 and his connexion with the sons of ,asclepius1 will not1 ,i think1 be out of place3 for it will be seen from this that the ,scythians1 in conferring immortality on mortals1 and sending them to keep company with ,zamolxis1 do not stand alone2 since the ,athenians permit themselves to make ,gods of ,scythians upon ,greek soil4 ,at the time of the great plague1 the wife of ,architeles the ,areopagite had a vision3 the ,scythian ,toxaris stood over her and commanded her to tell the ,athenians that the plague would cease if they would sprinkle their back-streets with wine4 ,the ,athenians attended to his instructions1 and after several sprinklings had been performed1 the plague troubled them no more2 whether it was that the perfume of the wine neutralized certain noxious vapours1 or that the hero1 being a medical hero1 had some other motive for his advice4 ,however that may be1 he continues to this day to draw a fee for his professional services1 in the shape of a white horse1 which is sacrificed on his tomb4 ,this tomb was pointed out by ,dimaenete as the place from which he issued with his instructions about the wine2 and beneath it ,toxaris was found buried1 his identity being established not merely by the inscription1 of which only a part remained legible1 but also by the figure engraved on the monument1 which was that of a ,scythian1 with a bow1 ready strung1 in his left hand1 and in the right what appeared to be a book4 ,you may still make out more than half the figure1 with the bow and book complete3 but the upper portion of the stone1 including the face1 has suffered from the ravages of time4 ,it is situated not far from the ,dipylus1 on your left as you leave the ,dipylus for the ,academy4 ,the mound is of no great size1 and the pillar lies prostrate3 yet it never lacks a garland1 and there are statements to the effect that fever-patients have been known to be cured by the hero2 which indeed is not surprising1 considering that he once healed an entire city4 ,however1 my reason for mentioning ,toxaris was this4 ,he was still alive1 when ,anacharsis landed at ,piraeus and made his way up to ,athens1 in no small perturbation of spirit2 a foreigner and a barbarian1 everything was strange to him1 and many things caused him uneasiness2 he knew not what to do with himself2 he saw that every one was laughing at his attire2 he could find no one to speak his native tongue2--in short he was heartily sick of his travels1 and made up his mind that he would just see ,athens1 and then retreat to his ship without loss of time1 get on board1 and so back to the ,bosphorus2 once there he had no great journey to perform before he would be home again4 ,in this frame of mind he had already reached the ,ceramicus1 when his good genius appeared to him in the guise of ,toxaris4 ,the attention of the latter was immediately arrested by the dress of his native country1 nor was it likely that he would have any difficulty in recognizing ,anacharsis1 who was of noble birth and of the highest rank in ,scythia4 ,anacharsis1 on the other hand1 could not be expected to see a compatriot in ,toxaris1 who was dressed in the ,greek fashion1 without sword or belt1 wore no beard1 and from his fluent speech might have been an ,athenian born2 so completely had time transformed him4 ',you are surely ,anacharsis1 the son of ,daucetas8' he said1 addressing him in the ,scythian language4 ,anacharsis wept tears of joy2 he not only heard his mother-tongue1 but heard it from one who had known him in ,scythia4 ',how comes it1 sir1 that you know me8' he asked4 ',i too am of that country2 my name is ,toxaris2 but it is probably not known to you1 for ,i am a man of no family4' ',are you that ,toxaris1' exclaimed the other1 'of whom ,i heard that for love of ,greece he had left wife and children in ,scythia1 and gone to ,athens1 and was there dwelling in high honour8' ',what1 is my name still remembered among you8--,yes1 ,i am ,toxaris4' ',then1' said ,anacharsis1 'you see before you a disciple1 who has caught your enthusiasm for ,greece2 it was with no other object than this that ,i set out on my travels4 ,the hardships ,i have endured in the countries through which ,i passed on my way hither are infinite2 and ,i had already decided1 when ,i met you1 that before the sun set ,i would return to my ship2 so much was ,i disturbed at the strange and outlandish sights that ,i have seen4 ,and now1 ,toxaris1 ,i adjure you by ,scimetar and ,zamolxis1 our country's ,gods1--take me by the hand1 be my guide1 and make me acquainted with all that is best in ,athens and in the rest of ,greece2 their great men1 their wise laws1 their customs1 their assemblies1 their constitution1 their everyday life4 ,you and ,i have both travelled far to see these things3 you will not suffer me to depart without seeing them8' ',what6 come to the very door1 and then turn back8 ,this is not the language of enthusiasm4 ,however1 there is no fear of that--you will not go back1 ,athens will not let you off so easily4 ,she is not so much at a loss for charms wherewith to detain the stranger3 she will take such a hold on you1 that you will forget your own wife and children--if you have any4 ,now ,i will put you into the readiest way of seeing ,athens1 ay1 and ,greece1 and the glories of ,greece4 ,there is a certain philosopher living here2 he is an ,athenian1 but has travelled a great deal in ,asia and ,egypt1 and held intercourse with the most eminent men4 ,for the rest1 he is none of your moneyed men3 indeed1 he is quite poor2 be prepared for an old man1 dressed as plainly as could be4 ,yet his virtue and wisdom are held in such esteem1 that he was employed by them to draw up a constitution1 and his ordinances form their rule of life4 ,make this man your friend1 study him1 and rest assured that in knowing him you know ,greece2 for he is an epitome of all that is excellent in the ,greek character4 ,i can do you no greater service than to introduce you to him4' ',let us lose no time1 then1 ,toxaris4 ,take me to him4 ,but perhaps that is not so easily done8 ,he may slight your intercessions on my behalf8' ',you know not what you say4 ,nothing gives him greater pleasure than to have an opportunity of showing his hospitality to strangers4 ,only follow me1 and you shall see how courteous and benevolent he is1 and how devout a worshipper of the ,god of ,hospitality4 ,but stay3 how fortunate6 here he comes towards us4 ,see1 he is wrapped in thought1 and mutters to himself4 --,solon6' he cried2 ',i bring you the best of gifts--a stranger who craves your friendship4 ,he is a ,scythian of noble family2 but has left all and come here to enjoy the society of ,greeks1 and to view the wonders of their country4 ,i have hit upon a simple expedient which will enable him to do both1 to see all that is to be seen1 and to form the most desirable acquaintances3 in other words1 ,i have brought him to ,solon1 who1 if ,i know anything of his character1 will not refuse to take him under his protection1 and to make him a ,greek among ,greeks4--,it is as ,i told you1 ,anacharsis3 having seen ,solon1 you have seen all2 behold ,athens2 behold ,greece4 ,you are a stranger no longer3 all men know you1 all men are your friends2 this it is to possess the friendship of the venerable ,solon4 ,conversing with him1 you will forget ,scythia and all that is in it4 ,your toils are rewarded1 your desire is fulfilled4 ,in him you have the mainspring of ,greek civilization1 in him the ideals of ,athenian philosophers are realized4 ,happy man--if you know your happiness--to be the friend and intimate of ,solon6' ,it would take too long to describe the pleasure of ,solon at ,toxaris's 'gift1' his words on the occasion1 and his subsequent intercourse with ,anacharsis--how he gave him the most valuable instruction1 procured him the friendship of all ,athens1 showed him the sights of ,greece1 and took every trouble to make his stay in the country a pleasant one2 and how ,anacharsis for his part regarded the sage with such reverence1 that he was never willingly absent from his side4 ,suffice it to say1 that the promise of ,toxaris was fulfilled3 thanks to ,solon's good offices1 ,anacharsis speedily became familiar with ,greece and with ,greek society1 in which he was treated with the consideration due to one who came thus strongly recommended2 for here too ,solon was a lawgiver3 those whom he esteemed were loved and admired by all4 ,finally1 if we may believe the statement of ,theoxenus1 ,anacharsis was presented with the freedom of the city1 and initiated into the mysteries2 nor does it seem likely that he would ever have returned to ,scythia1 had not ,solon died4 ,and now perhaps ,i had better put the moral to my tale1 if it is not to wander about in a headless condition4 ,what are ,anacharsis and ,toxaris doing here to-day in ,macedonia1 bringing ,solon with them too1 poor old gentleman1 all the way from ,athens8 ,it is time for me to explain4 ,the fact is1 my situation is pretty much that of ,anacharsis4 ,i crave your indulgence1 in venturing to compare myself with royalty4 ,anacharsis1 after all1 was a barbarian2 and ,i should hope that we ,syrians are as good as ,scythians4 ,and ,i am not comparing myself with ,anacharsis the king1 but ,anacharsis the barbarian4 ,when first ,i set foot in your city1 ,i was filled with amazement at its size1 its beauty1 its population1 its resources and splendour generally4 ,for a time ,i was dumb with admiration2 the sight was too much for me4 ,i felt like the island lad ,telemachus1 in the palace of ,menelaus2 and well ,i might1 as ,i viewed this city in all her pride2 ,a garden she1 whose flowers are ev'ry blessing4 ,thus affected1 ,i had to bethink me what course ,i should adopt4 ,for as to lecturing here1 my mind had long been made up about that2 what other audience could ,i have in view1 that ,i should pass by this great city in silence8 ,to make a clean breast of it1 then1 ,i set about inquiring who were your great men2 for it was my design to approach them1 and secure their patronage and support in facing the public4 ,unlike ,anacharsis1 who had but one informant1 and a barbarian at that1 ,i had many2 and all told me the same tale1 in almost the same words4 ',sir1' they said1 'we have many excellent and able men in this city--nowhere will you find more3 but two there are who stand pre-eminent2 who in birth and in prestige are without a rival1 and in learning and eloquence might be matched with the ,ten ,orators of ,athens4 ,they are regarded by the public with feelings of absolute devotion3 their will is law2 for they will nothing but the highest interests of the city4 ,their courtesy1 their hospitality towards strangers1 their unassuming benevolence1 their modesty in the midst of greatness1 their gentleness1 their affability1-- all these you will presently experience1 and will have something to say on the subject yourself4 ,but--wonder of wonders6--these two are of one house1 father and son4 ,for the father1 conceive to yourself a ,solon1 a ,pericles1 an ,aristides3 as to the son1 his manly comeliness and noble stature will attract you at the first glance2 and if he do but say two words1 your ears will be taken captive by the charm that sits upon his tongue4 ,when he speaks in public1 the city listens like one man1 open- mouthed2 'tis ,athens listening to ,alcibiades2 yet the ,athenians presently repented of their infatuation for the son of ,clinias1 but here love grows to reverence2 the welfare of this city1 the happiness of her citizens1 are all bound up in one man4 ,once let the father and son admit you to their friendship1 and the city is yours2 they have but to raise a finger1 to put your success beyond a doubt4'--,such1 by ,heaven 7if ,heaven must be invoked for the purpose71 such was the unvarying report ,i heard2 and ,i now know from experience that it fell far short of the truth4 ,then up1 nor waste thy days ,in indolent delays1 as the ,cean poet cries2 ,i must strain every nerve1 work body and soul1 to gain these friends4 ,that once achieved1 fair weather and calm seas are before me1 and my haven is near at hand4 ,,the ,,way ,,to ,,write ,,history ,,my ,,dear ,,philo1 ,there is a story of a curious epidemic at ,abdera1 just after the accession of ,king ,lysimachus4 ,it began with the whole population's exhibiting feverish symptoms1 strongly marked and unintermittent from the very first attack4 ,about the seventh day1 the fever was relieved1 in some cases by a violent flow of blood from the nose1 in others by perspiration not less violent4 ,the mental effects1 however1 were most ridiculous2 they were all stage-struck1 mouthing blank verse and ranting at the top of their voices4 ,their favourite recitation was the ,andromeda of ,euripides2 one after another would go through the great speech of ,perseus2 the whole place was full of pale ghosts1 who were our seventh- day tragedians vociferating1 ,o ,love1 who lord'st it over ,gods and men1 and the rest of it4 ,this continued for some time1 till the coming of winter put an end to their madness with a sharp frost4 ,i find the explanation of the form it took in this fact3 ,archelaus was then the great tragic actor1 and in the middle of the summer1 during some very hot weather1 he had played the ,andromeda there2 most of them took the fever in the theatre1 and convalescence was followed by a relapse--into tragedy1 the ,andromeda haunting their memories1 and ,perseus hovering1 ,gorgon's head in hand1 before the mind's eye4 ,well1 to compare like with like1 the majority of our educated class is now suffering from an ,abderite epidemic4 ,they are not stage-struck1 indeed2 that would have been a minor infatuation--to be possessed with other people's verses1 not bad ones either2 no2 but from the beginning of the present excitements--the barbarian war1 the ,armenian disaster1 the succession of victories--you cannot find a man but is writing history2 nay1 every one you meet is a ,thucydides1 a ,herodotus1 a ,xenophon4 ,the old saying must be true1 and war be the father of all things ,footnote3 ,see note on ,icaromenippus1 #h41 seeing what a litter of historians it has now teemed forth at a birth4 ,such sights and sounds1 my ,philo1 brought into my head that old anecdote about the ,sinopean4 ,a report that ,philip was marching on the town had thrown all ,corinth into a bustle2 one was furbishing his arms1 another wheeling stones1 a third patching the wall1 a fourth strengthening a battlement1 every one making himself useful somehow or other4 ,diogenes having nothing to do--of course no one thought of giving him a job--was moved by the sight to gird up his philosopher's cloak and begin rolling his tub-dwelling energetically up and down the ,craneum2 an acquaintance asked1 and got1 the explanation3 ',i do not want to be thought the only idler in such a busy multitude2 ,i am rolling my tub to be like the rest4' ,i too am reluctant to be the only dumb man at so vociferous a season2 ,i do not like walking across the stage1 like a 'super'1 in gaping silence2 so ,i decided to roll my cask as best ,i could4 ,i do not intend to write a history1 or attempt actual narrative2 ,i am not courageous enough for that2 have no apprehensions on my account2 ,i realize the danger of rolling the thing over the rocks1 especially if it is only a poor little jar of brittle earthenware like mine2 ,i should very soon knock against some pebble and find myself picking up the pieces4 ,come1 ,i will tell you my idea for campaigning in safety1 and keeping well out of range4 ,give a wide berth to all that foam and spray1 and to the anxieties which vex the historian--that ,i shall be wise enough to do2 but ,i propose to give a little advice1 and lay down a few principles for the benefit of those who do venture4 ,i shall have a share in their building1 if not in the dedicatory inscription2 my finger-tips will at least have touched their wet mortar4 ,however1 most of them see no need for advice here3 there might as well be an art of talking1 seeing1 or eating2 history-writing is perfectly easy1 comes natural1 is a universal gift2 all that is necessary is the faculty of translating your thoughts into words4 ,but the truth is--you know it without my telling1 old friend--1 it is not a task to be lightly undertaken1 or carried through without effort2 no1 it needs as much care as any sort of composition whatever1 if one means to create 'a possession for ever1' as ,thucydides calls it4 ,well1 ,i know ,i shall not get a hearing from many of them1 and some will be seriously offended--especially any who have finished and produced their work2 in cases where its first reception was favourable1 it would be folly to expect the authors to recast or correct2 has it not the stamp of finality8 is it not almost a ,state document8 ,yet even they may profit by my words2 we are not likely to be attacked again2 we have disposed of all our enemies2 but there might be a ,celto-,gothic or an ,indo-,bactrian war2 then our friends' composition might be improved by the application of my measuring-rod--always supposing that they recognize its correctness2 failing that1 let them do their own mensuration with the old foot-rule2 the doctor will not particularly mind1 though all ,abdera insists on spouting the ,andromeda4 ,advice has two provinces--one of choice1 the other of avoidance2 let us first decide what the historian is to avoid--of what faults he must purge himself--1 and then proceed to the measures he must take for putting himself on the straight high road4 ,this will include the manner of his beginning1 the order in which he should marshal his facts1 the questions of proportion1 of discreet silence1 of full or cursory narration1 of comment and connexion4 ,of all that1 however1 later on2 for the present we deal with the vices to which bad writers are liable4 ,as to those faults of diction1 construction1 meaning1 and general amateurishness1 which are common to every kind of composition1 to discuss them is neither compatible with my space nor relevant to my purpose4 ,but there are mistakes peculiar to history2 your own observation will show you just those which a constant attendance at authors' readings ,footnote3 ,these were very common in ,roman ,imperial times1 for purposes of advertisement1 of eliciting criticism1 c4 ',the audience at recitations may be compared with the modern literary reviews1 discharging the functions of a preventive and emendatory1 not merely of a correctional tribunal4 ,before publication a work might thus be known to more hearers than it would now find readers' ,mayor1 ,juvenal1 iii4 #i4 has impressed on me2 you have only to keep your ears open at every opportunity4 ,it will be convenient1 however1 to refer by the way to a few illustrations in recent histories4 ,here is a serious fault to begin with4 ,it is the fashion to neglect the examination of facts1 and give the space gained to eulogies of generals and commanders2 those of their own side they exalt to the skies1 the other side they disparage intemperately4 ,they forget that between history and panegyric there is a great gulf fixed1 barring communication2 in musical phrase1 the two things are a couple of octaves apart4 ,the panegyrist has only one concern--to commend and gratify his living theme some way or other2 if misrepresentation will serve his purpose1 he has no objection to that4 ,history1 on the other hand1 abhors the intrusion of any least scruple of falsehood2 it is like the windpipe1 which the doctors tell us will not tolerate a morsel of stray food4 ,another thing these gentlemen seem not to know is that poetry and history offer different wares1 and have their separate rules4 ,poetry enjoys unrestricted freedom2 it has but one law--the poet's fancy4 ,he is inspired and possessed by the ,muses2 if he chooses to horse his car with winged steeds1 or set others a-galloping over the sea1 or standing corn1 none challenges his right2 his ,zeus1 with a single cord1 may haul up earth and sea1 and hold them dangling together--there is no fear the cord may break1 the load come tumbling down and be smashed to atoms4 ,in a complimentary picture of ,agamemnon1 there is nothing against his having ,zeus's head and eyes1 his brother ,posidon's chest1 ,ares's belt--in fact1 the son of ,atreus and ,aerope will naturally be an epitome of all ,divinity2 ,zeus or ,posidon or ,ares could not singly or severally provide the requisite perfections4 ,but1 if history adopts such servile arts1 it is nothing but poetry without the wings2 the exalted tones are missing2 and imposition of other kinds without the assistance of metre is only the more easily detected4 ,it is surely a great1 a superlative weakness1 this inability to distinguish history from poetry2 what1 bedizen history1 like her sister1 with tale and eulogy and their attendant exaggerations8 as well take some mighty athlete with muscles of steel1 rig him up with purple drapery and meretricious ornament1 rouge and powder his cheeks2 faugh1 what an object would one make of him with such defilements6 ,i would not be understood to exclude eulogy from history altogether2 it is to be kept to its place and used with moderation1 is not to tax the reader's patience2 ,i shall presently show1 indeed1 that in all such matters an eye is to be had to posterity4 ,it is true1 there is a school which makes a pretty division of history into the agreeable and the useful1 and defends the introduction of panegyric on the ground that it is agreeable1 and pleases the general reader4 ,but nothing could be further from the truth4 ,in the first place the division is quite a false one2 history has only one concern and aim1 and that is the useful2 which again has one single source1 and that is truth4 ,the agreeable is no doubt an addition1 if it is present2 so is beauty to an athlete2 but a ,nicostratus1 who is a fine fellow and proves himself a better man than either of his opponents1 gets his recognition as a ,heracles1 however ugly his face may be2 and if one opponent is the handsome ,alcaeus himself-- handsome enough to make ,nicostratus in love with him1 says the story--1 that does not affect the issue4 ,history too1 if it can deal incidentally in the agreeable1 will attract a multitude of lovers2 but so long as it does its proper business efficiently--and that is the establishment of truth--1 it may be indifferent to beauty4 ,it is further to be remarked1 that in history sheer extravagance has not even the merit of being agreeable2 and the extravagance of eulogy is doubly repulsive1 as extravagance1 and as eulogy2 at least it is only welcome to the vulgar majority1 not to that critical1 that perhaps hypercritical audience1 whom no slip can escape1 who are all eyes like ,argus1 but keener than he1 who test every word as a moneychanger might his coins1 rejecting the false on the spot1 but accepting the good and heavy and true2 it is they that we should have in mind as we write history1 and never heed the others1 though they applaud till they crack their voices4 ,if you neglect the critics1 and indulge in the cloying sweetness of tales and eulogies and such baits1 you will soon find your history a ',heracles in ,lydia4' ,no doubt you have seen some picture of him3 he is ,omphale's slave1 dressed up in an absurd costume1 his lion- skin and club transferred to her1 as though she were the true ,heracles1 while he1 in saffron robe and purple jacket1 is combing wool and wincing under ,omphale's slipper4 ,a degrading spectacle it is--the dress loose and flapping open1 and all that was man in him turned to woman4 ,the vulgar may very likely extend their favour to this2 but the select 7whose judgement you disregard7 will get a good deal of entertainment out of your heterogeneous1 disjointed1 fragmentary stuff4 ,there is nothing which has not a beauty of its own2 but take it out of its proper sphere1 and the misuse turns its beauty to ugliness4 ,eulogy1 ,i need hardly say1 may possibly please one person1 the eulogized1 but will disgust every one else2 this is particularly so with the monstrous exaggerations which are in fashion2 the authors are so intent on the patron-hunt that they cannot relinquish it without a full exhibition of servility2 they have no idea of finesse1 never mask their flattery1 but blurt out their unconvincing bald tale anyhow4 ,the consequence is1 they miss even their immediate end2 the objects of their praise are more inclined 7and quite right too7 to dislike and discard them for toadies--if they are men of spirit1 at any rate4 ,aristobulus inserted in his history an account of a single combat between ,alexander and ,porus1 and selected this passage to read aloud to the former2 he reckoned that his best chance of pleasing was to invent heroic deeds for the king1 and heighten his achievements4 ,well1 they were on board ship in the ,hydaspes2 ,alexander took hold of the book1 and tossed it overboard2 'the author should have been treated the same way1 by rights1' he added1 'for presuming to fight duels for me like that1 and shoot down elephants single-handed4' ,a very natural indignation in ,alexander1 of a piece with his treatment of the intrusive architect2 this person offered to convert the whole of ,mount ,athos into a colossal statue of the king--who however decided that he was a toady1 and actually gave him less employment in ordinary than before4 ,the fact is1 there is nothing agreeable in these things1 except to any one who is fool enough to enjoy commendations which the slightest inquiry will prove to be unfounded2 of course there are ugly persons--women more especially--who ask artists to paint them as beautiful as they can2 they think they will be really better-looking if the painter heightens the rose a little and distributes a good deal of the lily4 ,there you have the origin of the present crowd of historians1 intent only upon the passing day1 the selfish interest1 the profit which they reckon to make out of their work2 execration is their desert--in the present for their undisguised clumsy flattery1 in the future for the stigma which their exaggerations bring upon history in general4 ,if any one takes some admixture of the agreeable to be an absolute necessity1 let him be content with the independent beauties of style2 these are agreeable without being false2 but they are usually neglected now1 for the better foisting upon us of irrelevant substitutes4 ,passing from that point1 ,i wish to put on record some fresh recollections of ,ionian histories--supported1 now ,i think of it1 by ,greek analogies also of recent date--both concerned with the war already alluded to4 ,you may trust my report1 the ,graces be my witness2 ,i would take oath to its truth1 if it were polite to swear on paper4 ,one writer started with invoking the ,muses to lend a hand4 ,what a tasteful exordium6 ,how suited to the historic spirit6 ,how appropriate to the style6 ,when he had got a little way on1 he compared our ruler to ,achilles1 and the ,parthian king to ,thersites2 he forgot that ,achilles would have done better if he had had ,hector instead of ,thersites to beat1 if there had been a man of might fleeing in front1 ,but at his heels a mightier far than he4 ,he next proceeded to say something handsome about himself1 as a fit chronicler of such brilliant deeds4 ,as he got near his point of departure1 he threw in a word for his native town of ,miletus1 adding that he was thus improving on ,homer1 who never so much as mentioned his birthplace4 ,and he concluded his preface with a plain express promise to advance our cause and personally wage war against the barbarians1 to the best of his ability4 ,the actual history1 and recital of the causes of hostilities1 began with these words3--',the detestable ,vologesus 7whom ,heaven confound67 commenced war on the following pretext4' ,enough of him4 ,another is a keen emulator of ,thucydides1 and by way of close approximation to his model starts with his own name--most graceful of beginnings1 redolent of ,attic thyme6 ,look at it3 ',crepereius ,calpurnianus of ,pompeiopolis wrote the history of the war between ,parthia and ,rome1 how they warred one upon the other1 beginning with the commencement of the war4' ,after that exordium1 what need to describe the rest--what harangues he delivers in ,armenia1 resuscitating our old friend the ,corcyrean envoy--what a plague he inflicts on ,nisibis 7which would not espouse the ,roman cause71 lifting the whole thing bodily from ,thucydides--except the ,pelasgicum and the ,long ,walls1 where the victims of the earlier plague found shelter2 there the difference ends2 like the other1 'it began in ,ethiopia1 whence it descended to ,egypt1' and to most of the ,parthian empire1 where it very discreetly remained4 ,i left him engaged in burying the poor ,athenians in ,nisibis1 and knew quite well how he would continue after my exit4 ,indeed it is a pretty common belief at present that you are writing like ,thucydides1 if you just use his actual words1 mutatis mutandis4 ,footnote3 ,omitting1 with ,dindorf1 the words which appear in the ,teubner text1 after emendation1 as3 mikra rakia1 opos kai autos au phaiaes1 on di autaen4 ,ah1 and ,i almost forgot to mention one thing3 this same writer gives many names of weapons and military engines in ,latin--phossa for trench1 pons for bridge1 and so forth4 ,just think of the dignity of history1 and the ,thucydidean style--the ,attic embroidered with these ,latin words1 like a toga relieved and picked out with the purple stripe--so harmonious6 ,another puts down a bald list of events1 as prosy and commonplace as a private's or a carpenter's or a sutler's diary4 ,however1 there is more sense in this poor man's performance2 he flies his true colours from the first2 he has cleared the ground for some educated person who knows how to deal with history4 ,the only fault ,i have to find with him is that he inscribes his volumes with a solemnity rather disproportioned to the rank of their contents--',parthian ,history1 by ,callimorphus1 ,surgeon of the #fth ,pikemen1 volume so-and-so4' ,ah1 yes1 and there is a lamentable preface1 which closes with the remark that1 since ,asclepius is the son of ,apollo1 and ,apollo director of the ,muses and patron of all culture1 it is very proper for a doctor to write history4 ,also1 he starts in ,ionic1 but very soon1 for no apparent reason1 abandons it for every-day ,greek1 still keeping the ,ionic es and ks and ous1 but otherwise writing like ordinary people--rather too ordinary1 indeed4 ,perhaps ,i should balance him with a philosophic historian2 this gentleman's name ,i will conceal1 and merely indicate his attitude1 as revealed in a recent publication at ,corinth4 ,much had been expected of him1 but not enough2 starting straight off with the first sentence of the preface1 he subjects his readers to a dialectic catechism1 his thesis being the highly philosophic one1 that no one but a philosopher should write history4 ,very shortly there follows a second logical process1 itself followed by a third2 in fact the whole preface is one mass of dialectic figures4 ,there is flattery1 indeed1 ad nauseam1 eulogy vulgar to the point of farce2 but never without the logical trimmings2 always that dialectical catechism4 ,i confess it strikes me as a vulgarity also1 hardly worthy of a philosopher with so long and white a beard1 when he gives it in his preface as our ruler's special good fortune that philosophers should consent to record his actions2 he had better have left us to reach that conclusion for ourselves--if at all4 ,again1 it would be a sinful neglect to omit the man who begins like this3--',i devise to tell of ,romans and ,persians'2 then a little later1 ',for 'twas ,heaven's decree that the ,persians should suffer evils'2 and again1 ',one ,osroes there was1 whom ,hellenes name ,oxyroes'--and much more in that style4 ,he corresponds1 you see1 to one of my previous examples2 only he is a second ,herodotus1 and the other a second ,thucydides4 ,there is another distinguished artist in words--again rather more ,thucydidean than ,thucydides--1 who gives1 according to his own idea1 the clearest1 most convincing descriptions of every town1 mountain1 plain1 or river4 ,i wish my bitterest foe no worse fate than the reading of them4 ,frigid8 ,caspian snows1 ,celtic ice1 are warm in comparison4 ,a whole book hardly suffices him for the ,emperor's shield--the ,gorgon on its boss1 with eyes of blue and white and black1 rainbow girdle1 and snakes twined and knotted4 ,why1 ,vologesus's breeches or his bridle1 ,god bless me1 they take up several thousand lines apiece2 the same for the look of ,osroes's hair as he swims the ,tigris--or what the cave was like that sheltered him1 ivy and myrtle and bay clustered all together to shut out every ray of light4 ,you observe how indispensable it all is to the history2 without the scene1 how could we have comprehended the action8 ,it is helplessness about the real essentials1 or ignorance of what should be given1 that makes them take refuge in word-painting--landscapes1 caves1 and the like2 and when they do come upon a series of important matters1 they are just like a slave whose master has left him his money and made him a rich man2 he does not know how to put on his clothes or take his food properly2 partridges or sweetbreads or hare are served2 but he rushes in1 and fills himself up with pea soup or salt fish1 till he is fit to burst4 ,well1 the man ,i spoke of gives the most unconvincing wounds and singular deaths3 some one has his big toe injured1 and dies on the spot2 the general ,priscus calls out1 and seven-and-twenty of the enemy fall dead at the sound4 ,as to the numbers killed1 he actually falsifies dispatches2 at ,europus he slaughters #gj1bcf of the enemy1 while the ,romans lose two1 and have seven wounded6 ,how any man of sense can tolerate such stuff1 ,i do not know4 ,here is another point quite worth mention4 ,this writer has such a passion for unadulterated ,attic1 and for refining speech to the last degree of purity1 that he metamorphoses the ,latin names and translates them into ,greek2 ,saturninus figures as ,cronius1 ,fronto must be ,phrontis1 ,titianus ,titanius1 with queerer transmogrifications yet4 ,further1 on the subject of ,severian's death1 he accuses all other writers of a blunder in putting him to the sword2 he is really to have starved himself to death1 as the most painless method2 the fact1 however1 is that it was all over in three days1 whereas seven days is the regular time for starvation2 are we perhaps to conceive an ,osroes waiting about for ,severian to complete the process1 and putting off his assault till after the seventh day8 ,then1 ,philo1 how shall we class the historians who indulge in poetical phraseology8 ',the catapult rocked responsive1' they say2 ',loud thundered the breach'2 or1 somewhere else in this delectable history1 ',thus ,edessa was girdled with clash of arms1 and all was din and turmoil1' or1 ',the general pondered in his heart how to attack the wall4' ,only he fills up the interstices with such wretched common lower-class phrases as ',the military prefect wrote ,his ,majesty1' ',the troops were procuring the needful1' ',they got a wash ,footnote3 ,it was suggested in the ,introduction that ,lucian's criticism is for practical purposes out of date2 but ,prescott writes3 ',he was surrounded by a party of friends1 who had dropped in1 it seems1 after mass1 to inquire after the state of his health1 some of whom had remained to partake of his repast4' and put in an appearance1' and so on4 ,it is like an actor with one foot raised on a high buskin1 and the other in a slipper4 ,you will find others writing brilliant high-sounding prefaces of outrageous length1 raising great expectations of the wonders to follow-- and then comes a poor little appendix of a--history2 it is like nothing in the world but a child--say the ,eros you must have seen in a picture playing in an enormous mask of ,heracles or a ,titan2 parturiunt montes1 cries the audience1 very naturally4 ,that is not the way to do things2 the whole should be homogeneous and uniform1 and the body in proportion to the head--not a helmet of gold1 a ridiculous breastplate patched up out of rags or rotten leather1 shield of wicker1 and pig-skin greaves4 ,you will find plenty of historians prepared to set the ,rhodian ,colossus's head on the body of a dwarf2 others on the contrary show us headless bodies1 and plunge into the facts without exordium4 ,these plead the example of ,xenophon1 who starts with ',darius and ,parysatis had two children'2 if they only knew it1 there is such a thing as a virtual exordium1 not realized as such by everybody2 but of that hereafter4 ,however1 any mistake in mere expression or arrangement is excusable2 but when you come to fancy geography1 differing from the other not by miles or leagues1 but by whole days' journeys1 where is the classical model for that8 ,one writer has taken so little trouble with his facts--never met a ,syrian1 ,i suppose1 nor listened to the stray information you may pick up at the barber's--1 that he thus locates ,europus3--',europus lies in ,mesopotamia1 two days' journey from the ,euphrates1 and is a colony from ,edessa4' ,not content with that1 this enterprising person has in the same book taken up my native ,samosata and shifted it1 citadel1 walls1 and all1 into ,mesopotamia1 giving it the two rivers for boundaries1 and making them shave past it1 all but touching the walls on either side4 ,i suspect you would laugh at me1 ,philo1 if ,i were to set about convincing you that ,i am neither ,parthian nor ,mesopotamian1 as this whimsical colony-planter makes me4 ,by the way1 he has also a very attractive tale of ,severian1 learnt1 he assures us on oath1 from one of the actual fugitives4 ,according to this1 he would not die by the sword1 the rope1 or poison1 but contrived a death which should be tragic and impressive4 ,he was the owner of some large goblets of the most precious glass2 having made up his mind to die1 he broke the largest of these1 and used a splinter of it for the purpose1 cutting his throat with the glass4 ,a dagger or a lancet1 good enough instruments for a manly and heroic death1 he could not come at1 forsooth6 ,then1 as ,thucydides composed a funeral oration over the first victims of that old war1 our author feels it incumbent on him to do the same for ,severian2 they all challenge ,thucydides1 you see1 little as he can be held responsible for the ,armenian troubles4 ,so he buries ,severian1 and then solemnly ushers up to the grave1 as ,pericles's rival1 one ,afranius ,silo1 a centurion2 the flood of rhetoric which follows is so copious and remarkable that it drew tears from me--ye ,graces6--tears of laughter2 most of all where the eloquent ,afranius1 drawing to a close1 makes mention1 with weeping and distressful moans1 of all those costly dinners and toasts4 ,but he is a very ,ajax in his conclusion4 ,he draws his sword1 gallantly as an ,afranius should1 and in sight of all cuts his throat over the grave--and ,god knows it was high time for an execution1 if oratory can be felony4 ,the historian states that all the spectators admired and lauded ,afranius2 as for me1 ,i was inclined to condemn him on general grounds--he had all but given a catalogue of sauces and dishes1 and shed tears over the memory of departed cakes--1 but his capital offence was that he had not cut the historian-tragedian's throat before he left this life himself4 ,i assure you1 my friend1 ,i could largely increase my list of such offenders2 but one or two more will suffice1 before proceeding to the second part of my undertaking1 the suggestions for improvement4 ,there are some1 then1 who leave alone1 or deal very cursorily with1 all that is great and memorable2 amateurs and not artists1 they have no selective faculty1 and loiter over copious laboured descriptions of the veriest trifles2 it is as if a visitor to ,olympia1 instead of examining1 commending or describing to his stay-at-home friends the general greatness and beauty of the ,zeus1 were to be struck with the exact symmetry and polish of its footstool1 or the proportions of its shoe1 and give all his attention to these minor points4 ,for instance1 ,i have known a man get through the battle of ,europus in less than seven whole lines1 and then spend twenty mortal hours on a dull and perfectly irrelevant tale about a ,moorish trooper4 ,the trooper's name was ,mausacas2 he wandered up the hills in search of water1 and came upon some ,syrian yokels getting their lunch2 at first they were afraid of him1 but when they found he was on the right side1 they invited him to share the meal2 for one of them had travelled in the ,moorish country1 having a brother serving in the army4 ,then come long stories and descriptions of how he hunted there1 and saw a great herd of elephants at pasture1 and was nearly eaten up by a lion1 and what huge fish he had bought at ,caesarea4 ,so this quaint historian leaves the terrible carnage to go on at ,europus1 and lets the pursuit1 the forced armistice1 the settling of outposts1 shift for themselves1 while he lingers far into the evening watching ,malchion the ,syrian cheapen big mackarel at ,caesarea2 if night had not come all too soon1 ,i dare say he would have dined with him when the fish was cooked4 ,if all this had not been accurately set down in the history1 what sad ignorance we should have been left in6 ,the loss to the ,romans would have been irreparable1 if ,mausacas the ,moor had got nothing to quench his thirst1 and come back fasting to camp4 ,yet ,i am wilfully omitting innumerable details of yet greater importance--the arrival of a flute-girl from the next village1 the exchange of gifts 7,mausacas's was a spear1 ,malchion's a brooch71 and other incidents most essential to the battle of ,europus4 ,it is no exaggeration to say that such writers never give the rose a glance1 but devote all their curiosity to the thorns on its stem4 ,another entertaining person1 who has never set foot outside ,corinth1 nor travelled as far as its harbour--not to mention seeing ,syria or ,armenia --1 starts with words which impressed themselves on my memory3--',seeing is believing3 ,i therefore write what ,i have seen1 not what ,i have been told4' ,his personal observation has been so close that he describes the ,parthian ',dragons' 7they use this ensign as a numerical formula--a thousand men to the ,dragon1 ,i believe73 they are huge live dragons1 he says1 breeding in ,persian territory beyond ,iberia2 these are first fastened to great poles and hoisted up aloft1 striking terror at a distance while the advance is going on2 then1 when the battle begins1 they are released and set on the enemy2 numbers of our men1 it seems1 were actually swallowed by them1 and others strangled or crushed in their coils2 of all this he was an eye-witness1 taking his observations1 however1 from a safe perch up a tree4 ,thank goodness he did not come to close quarters with the brutes6 we should have lost a very remarkable historian1 and one who did doughty deeds in this war with his own right hand2 for he had many adventures1 and was wounded at ,sura 7in the course of a stroll from the ,craneum to ,lerna1 apparently74 ,all this he used to read to a ,corinthian audience1 which was perfectly aware that he had never so much as seen a battle-picture4 ,why1 he did not know one weapon or engine from another2 the names of manoeuvres and formations had no meaning for him2 flank or front1 line or column1 it was all one4 ,then there is a splendid fellow1 who has boiled down into the compass of five hundred lines 7or less1 to be accurate7 the whole business from beginning to end--campaigns in ,armenia1 in ,syria1 in ,mesopotamia1 on the ,tigris1 and in ,media2 and having done it1 he calls it a history4 ,his title very narrowly misses being longer than his book3 ',an account of the late campaigns of the ,romans in ,armenia1 ,mesopotamia1 and ,media1 by ,antiochianus1 victor at the festival of ,apollo'2 he had probably won some junior flat race4 ,i have known one writer compile a history of the future1 including the capture of ,vologesus1 the execution of ,osroes 7he is to be thrown to the lions71 and1 crowning all1 our long-deferred triumph4 ,in this prophetic vein1 he sweeps hastily on to the end of his work2 yet he finds time for the foundation in ,mesopotamia of a city1 greatest of the great1 and fairest of the fair2 he is still debating1 however1 whether the most appropriate name will be ,victoria1 ,concord1 or ,peacetown2 that is yet unsettled2 we must leave the fair city unnamed for the present2 but it is already thickly populated--with empty dreams and literary drivellings4 ,he has also pledged himself to an account of coming events in ,india1 and a circumnavigation of the ,atlantic2 nay1 the pledge is half redeemed2 the preface to the ,india is complete2 the third legion1 the ,celtic contingent1 and a small ,moorish division1 have crossed the ,indus in full force under ,cassius2 our most original historian will soon be posting us up in their doings--their method of 'receiving elephants1' for instance-- in letters dated ,muziris or ,oxydracae4 ,these people's uneducated antics are infinite2 they have no eyes for the noteworthy1 nor1 if they had eyes1 any adequate faculty of expression2 invention and fiction provide their matter1 and belief in the first word that comes their style2 they pride themselves on the number of books they run to1 and yet more on their titles2 for these again are quite absurd3 --,so-and-so's so many books of ,parthian victories2 ,the ,parthis1 book ,i2 ,the ,parthis1 book ,,ii--quite a rival to the ,atthis1 eh8 ,another does it 7,i have read the book7 still more neatly--',the ,parthonicy of ,demetrius of ,sagalassus4' ,i do not wish to ridicule or make a jest of these pretty histories2 ,i write for a practical purpose3 any one who avoids these and similar errors is already well on the road to historical success2 nay1 he is almost there1 if the logical axiom is correct1 that1 with incompatibles1 denial of the one amounts to affirmation of the other4 ,well1 ,i may be told1 you have now a clear field2 the thorns and brambles have all been extirpated1 the debris of others' buildings has been carted of1 the rough places have been made smooth2 come1 do a little construction yourself1 and show that you are not only good at destroying1 but capable of yourself planning a model1 in which criticism itself shall find nothing to criticize4 ,well then1 my perfect historian must start with two indispensable qualifications2 the one is political insight1 the other the faculty of expression2 the first is a gift of nature1 which can never be learnt2 the second should have been acquired by long practice1 unremitting toil1 and loving study of the classics4 ,there is nothing technical here1 and no room for any advice of mine2 this essay does not profess to bestow insight and acumen on those who are not endowed with them by nature2 valuable1 or invaluable rather1 would it have been1 if it could recast and modify like that1 transmute lead into gold1 tin into silver1 magnify a ,conon or ,leotrophides into ,titormus or ,milo4 ,but what is the function of professional advice8 not the creation of qualities which should be already there1 but the indication of their proper use4 ,no trainer1 of course1--let him be ,iccus1 ,herodicus1 ,theon1 or who he may--will suggest that he can take a ,perdiccas ,footnote3 ,omitting1 with ,dindorf1 a note on ,perdiccas which runs thus3 'if ,perdiccas it was1 and not rather ,seleucus's son ,antiochus1 who was wasted to a shadow by his passion for his step-mother4' and make an ,olympic victor of him1 fit to face ,theagenes of ,thasos or ,polydamas of ,scotussa2 what he will tell you is that1 given a constitution that will stand training1 his system will considerably improve it4 ,so with us--we are not to have every failure cast in our teeth1 if we claim to have invented a system for so great and difficult a subject4 ,we do not offer to take the first comer and make a historian of him--only to point out to any one who has natural insight and acquired literary skill certain straight roads 7they may or may not be so in reality7 which will bring him with less waste of time and effort to his goal4 ,i do not suppose you will object that the man with insight has no need of system and instruction upon the things he is ignorant of2 in that case he might have played the harp or flute untaught1 and in fact have been omniscient4 ,but1 as things are at present1 he cannot perform in these ways untaught1 though with some assistance he will learn very easily1 and soon be able to get along by himself4 ,you now know what sort of a pupil ,i 7like the trainer7 insist upon4 ,he must not be weak either at understanding or at making himself understood1 but a man of penetration1 a capable administrator--potentially1 that is1 --with a soldierly spirit 7which does not however exclude the civil spirit71 and some military experience2 at the least he must have been in camp1 seen troops drilled or manoeuvred1 know a little about weapons and military engines1 the differences between line and column1 cavalry and infantry tactics 7with the reasons for them71 frontal and flank attacks2 in a word1 none of your armchair strategists relying wholly on hearsay4 ,but first and foremost1 let him be a man of independent spirit1 with nothing to fear or hope from anybody2 else he will be a corrupt judge open to undue influences4 ,if ,philip's eye is knocked out at ,olynthus by ,aster the ,amphipolite archer1 it is not his business to exclaim1 but just to show him as he is2 he is not to think whether ,alexander will be annoyed by a circumstantial account of the cruel murder of ,clitus at table4 ,if a ,cleon has the ear of the assembly1 and a monopoly of the tribune1 he will not shrink on that account from describing him as a pestilent madman2 all ,athens will not stop him from dwelling on the ,sicilian disaster1 the capture of ,demosthenes1 the death of ,nicias1 the thirst1 the foul water1 and the shooting down of the drinkers4 ,he will consider very rightly that no man of sense will blame him for recounting the effects of misfortune or folly in their entirety2 he is not the author1 but only the reporter of them4 ,if a fleet is destroyed1 it is not he who sinks it2 if there is a rout1 he is not in pursuit--unless perhaps he ought to have prayed for better things1 and omitted to do so4 ,of course1 if silence or contradiction would have put matters right1 ,thucydides might with a stroke of the pen have knocked down the counterwall on ,epipolae1 sent ,hermocrates's trireme to the bottom1 let daylight through the accursed ,gylippus before he had done blocking the roads with wall and trench1 and1 finally1 have cast the ,syracusans into their own quarries and sent the ,athenians cruising round ,sicily and ,italy with ,alcibiades's first high hopes still on board4 ,alas1 not ,fate itself may undo the work of ,fate4 ,the historian's one task is to tell the thing as it happened4 ,this he cannot do1 if he is ,artaxerxes's physician ,footnote3 ,see ,ctesias in ,notes trembling before him1 or hoping to get a purple cloak1 a golden chain1 a horse of the ,nisaean breed1 in payment for his laudations4 ,a fair historian1 a ,xenophon1 a ,thucydides1 will not accept that position4 ,he may nurse some private dislikes1 but he will attach far more importance to the public good1 and set the truth high above his hate2 he may have his favourites1 but he will not spare their errors4 ,for history1 ,i say again1 has this and this only for its own2 if a man will start upon it1 he must sacrifice to no ,god but ,truth2 he must neglect all else2 his sole rule and unerring guide is this--to think not of those who are listening to him now1 but of the yet unborn who shall seek his converse4 ,any one who is intent only upon the immediate effect may reasonably be classed among the flatterers2 and ,history has long ago realized that flattery is as little congenial to her as the arts of personal adornment to an athlete's training4 ,an anecdote of ,alexander is to the point4 ',ah1 ,onesicritus1' said he1 'how ,i should like to come to life again for a little while1 and see how your stuff strikes people by that time2 at present they have good enough reason to praise and welcome it2 that is their way of angling for a share of my favour4' ,on the same principle some people actually accept ,homer's history of ,achilles1 full of exaggerations as it is2 the one great guarantee which they recognize of his truth is the fact that his subject was not living2 that leaves him no motive for lying4 ,there stands my model1 then3 fearless1 incorruptible1 independent1 a believer in frankness and veracity2 one that will call a spade a spade1 make no concession to likes and dislikes1 nor spare any man for pity or respect or propriety2 an impartial judge1 kind to all1 but too kind to none2 a literary cosmopolite with neither suzerain nor king1 never heeding what this or that man may think1 but setting down the thing that befell4 ,thucydides is our noble legislator2 he marked the admiration that met ,herodotus and gave the ,muses' names to his nine books2 and thereupon he drew the line which parts a good historian from a bad3 our work is to be a possession for ever1 not a bid for present reputation2 we are not to seize upon the sensational1 but bequeath the truth to them that come after2 he applies the test of use1 and defines the end which a wise historian will set before himself3 it is that1 should history ever repeat itself1 the records of the past may give present guidance4 ,such are to be my historian's principles4 ,as for diction and style1 he is not to set about his work armed to the teeth from the rhetorician's arsenal of impetuosity and incisiveness1 rolling periods1 close-packed arguments1 and the rest2 for him a serener mood4 ,his matter should be homogeneous and compact1 his vocabulary fit to be understanded of the people1 for the clearest possible setting forth of his subject4 ,for to those marks which we set up for the historic spirit--frankness and truth--corresponds one at which the historic style should first of all aim1 namely1 a lucidity which leaves nothing obscure1 impartially avoiding abstruse out-of-the-way expressions1 and the illiberal jargon of the market2 we wish the vulgar to comprehend1 the cultivated to commend us4 ,ornament should be unobtrusive1 and never smack of elaboration1 if it is not to remind us of over-seasoned dishes4 ,the historian's spirit should not be without a touch of the poetical2 it needs1 like poetry1 to employ impressive and exalted tones1 especially when it finds itself in the midst of battle array and conflicts by land or sea2 it is then that the poetic gale must blow to speed the vessel on1 and help her ride the waves in majesty4 ,but the diction is to be content with terra firma1 rising a little to assimilate itself to the beauty and grandeur of the subject1 but never startling the hearer1 nor forgetting a due restraint2 there is great risk at such times of its running wild and falling into poetic frenzy2 and then it is that writers should hold themselves in with bit and bridle2 with them as with horses an uncontrollable temper means disaster4 ,at these times it is best for the spirit to go a-horseback1 and the expression to run beside on foot1 holding on to the saddle so as not to be outstripped4 ,as to the marshalling of your words1 a moderate compromise is desirable between the harshness which results from separating what belongs together1 and the jingling concatenations--one may almost call them-- which are so common2 one extreme is a definite vice1 and the other repellent4 ,facts are not to be collected at haphazard1 but with careful1 laborious1 repeated investigation2 when possible1 a man should have been present and seen for himself2 failing that1 he should prefer the disinterested account1 selecting the informants least likely to diminish or magnify from partiality4 ,and here comes the occasion for exercising the judgement in weighing probabilities4 ,the material once complete1 or nearly so1 an abstract should be made of it1 and a rough draught of the whole work put down1 not yet distributed into its parts2 the detailed arrangement should then be introduced1 after which adornment may be added1 the diction receive its colour1 the phrasing and rhythm be perfected4 ,the historian's position should now be precisely that of ,zeus in ,homer1 surveying now the ,mysians'1 now the ,thracian horsemen's land4 ,even so he will survey now his own party 7telling us what we looked like to him from his post of vantage71 now the ,persians1 and yet again both at once1 if they come to blows4 ,and when they are face to face1 his eyes are not to be on one division1 nor yet on one man1 mounted or afoot--unless it be a ,brasidas leading the forlorn hope1 or a ,demosthenes repelling it2 his attention should be for the generals first of all2 their exhortations should be recorded1 the dispositions they make1 and the motives and plans that prompted them4 ,when the engagement has begun1 he should give us a bird's-eye view of it1 show the scales oscillating1 and accompany pursuers and pursued alike4 ,all this1 however1 with moderation2 a subject is not to be ridden to death2 no neglect of proportion1 no childish engrossment1 but easy transitions4 ,he should call a halt here1 while he crosses over to another set of operations which demands attention2 that settled up1 he can return to the first set1 now ripe for him2 he must pass swiftly to each in turn1 keeping his different lines of advance as nearly as possible level1 fly from ,armenia to ,media1 thence swoop straight upon ,iberia1 and then take wing for ,italy1 everywhere present at the nick of time4 ,he has to make of his brain a mirror1 unclouded1 bright1 and true of surface2 then he will reflect events as they presented themselves to him1 neither distorted1 discoloured1 nor variable4 ,historians are not writing fancy school essays2 what they have to say is before them1 and will get itself said somehow1 being solid fact2 their task is to arrange and put it into words2 they have not to consider what to say1 but how to say it4 ,the historian1 we may say1 should be like ,phidias1 ,praxiteles1 ,alcamenes1 or any great sculptor4 ,they similarly did not create the gold1 silver1 ivory1 or other material they used2 it was ready to their hands1 provided by ,athens1 ,elis1 or ,argos2 they only made the model1 sawed1 polished1 cemented1 proportioned the ivory1 and plated it with gold2 that was what their art consisted in--the right arrangement of their material4 ,the historian's business is similar--to superinduce upon events the charm of order1 and set them forth in the most lucid fashion he can manage4 ,when subsequently a hearer feels as though he were looking at what is being told him1 and expresses his approval1 then our historical ,phidias's work has reached perfection1 and received its appropriate reward4 ,when all is ready1 a writer will sometimes start without formal preface1 if there is no pressing occasion to clear away preliminaries by that means1 though even then his explanation of what he is to say constitutes a virtual preface4 ,when a formal preface is used1 one of the three objects to which a public speaker devotes his exordium may be neglected2 the historian1 that is1 has not to bespeak goodwill--only attention and an open mind4 ,the way to secure the reader's attention is to show that the affairs to be narrated are great in themselves1 throw light on ,destiny1 or come home to his business and bosom2 and as to the open mind1 the lucidity in the body of the work1 which is to secure that1 will be facilitated by a preliminary view of the causes in operation and a precise summary of events4 ,prefaces of this character have been employed by the best historians--by ,herodotus1 'to the end that what befell may not grow dim by lapse of time1 seeing that it was great and wondrous1 and showed forth withal ,greeks vanquishing and barbarians vanquished'2 and by ,thucydides1 'believing that that war would be great and memorable beyond any previous one2 for indeed great calamities took place during its course4' ,after the preface1 long or short in proportion to the subject1 should come an easy natural transition to the narrative2 for the body of the history which remains is nothing from beginning to end but a long narrative2 it must therefore be graced with the narrative virtues-- smooth1 level1 and consistent progress1 neither soaring nor crawling1 and the charm of lucidity--which is attained1 as ,i remarked above1 partly by the diction1 and partly by the treatment of connected events4 ,for1 though all parts must be independently perfected1 when the first is complete the second will be brought into essential connexion with it1 and attached like one link of a chain to another2 there must be no possibility of separating them2 no mere bundle of parallel threads2 the first is not simply to be next to the second1 but part of it1 their extremities intermingling4 ,brevity is always desirable1 and especially where matter is abundant2 and the problem is less a grammatical than a substantial one2 the solution1 ,i mean1 is to deal summarily with all immaterial details1 and give adequate treatment to the principal events2 much1 indeed1 is better omitted altogether4 ,suppose yourself giving a dinner1 and extremely well provided2 there is pastry1 game1 kickshaws without end1 wild boar1 hare1 sweetbreads2 well1 you will not produce among these a pike1 or a bowl of peasoup1 just because they are there in the kitchen2 you will dispense with such common things4 ,restraint in descriptions of mountains1 walls1 rivers1 and the like1 is very important2 you must not give the impression that you are making a tasteless display of word-painting1 and expatiating independently while the history takes care of itself4 ,just a light touch--no more than meets the need of clearness--1 and you should pass on1 evading the snare1 and denying yourself all such indulgences4 ,you have the mighty ,homer's example in such a case2 poet as he is1 he yet hurries past ,tantalus and ,ixion1 ,tityus and the rest of them4 ,if ,parthenius1 ,euphorion1 or ,callimachus had been in his place1 how many lines do you suppose it would have taken to get the water to ,tantalus's lip2 how many more to set ,ixion spinning8 ,better still1 mark how ,thucydides--a very sparing dealer in description--leaves the subject at once1 as soon as he has given an idea 7very necessary and useful1 too7 of an engine or a siege-operation1 of the conformation of ,epipolae1 or the ,syracusan harbour4 ,it may occur to you that his account of the plague is long2 but you must allow for the subject2 then you will appreciate his brevity2 he is hastening on2 it is only that the weight of matter holds him back in spite of himself4 ,when it comes in your way to introduce a speech1 the first requirement is that it should suit the character both of the speaker and of the occasion2 the second is 7once more7 lucidity2 but in these cases you have the counsel's right of showing your eloquence4 ,not so with praise or censure2 these should be sparing1 cautious1 avoiding hypercriticism and producing proofs1 always brief1 and never intrusive2 historical characters are not prisoners on trial4 ,without these precautions you will share the ill name of ,theopompus1 who delights in flinging accusations broadcast1 makes a business of the thing in fact1 and of himself rather a public prosecutor than a historian4 ,it may occasionally happen that some extraordinary story has to be introduced2 it should be simply narrated1 without guarantee of its truth1 thrown down for any one to make what he can of it2 the writer takes no risks and shows no preference4 ,but the general principle ,i would have remembered--it will ever be on my lips--is this3 do not write merely with an eye to the present1 that those now living may commend and honour you2 aim at eternity1 compose for posterity1 and from it ask your reward2 and that reward8--that it be said of you1 ',this was a man indeed1 free and free-spoken2 flattery and servility were not in him2 he was truth all through4' ,it is a name which a man of judgement might well prefer to all the fleeting hopes of the present4 ,do you know the story of the great ,cnidian architect8 ,he was the builder of that incomparable work1 whether for size or beauty1 the ,pharus tower4 ,its light was to warn ships far out at sea1 and save them from running on the ,paraetonia1 a spot so fatal to all who get among its reefs that escape is said to be hopeless4 ,when the building was done1 he inscribed on the actual masonry his own name1 but covered this up with plaster1 on which he then added the name of the reigning king4 ,he knew that1 as happened later1 letters and plaster would fall off together1 and reveal the words3 ,,sostratus ,,son ,,of ,,dexiphanes ,,of ,,cnidus ,,on ,,behalf ,,of ,,all ,,mariners ,,to ,,the ,,saviour ,,gods ,he looked not1 it appears1 to that time1 nor to the space of his own little life1 but to this time1 and to all time1 as long as his tower shall stand and his art abide4 ,so too should the historian write1 consorting with ,truth and not with flattery1 looking to the future hope1 not to the gratification of the flattered4 ,there is your measuring-line for just history4 ,if any one be found to use it1 well2 ,i have not written in vain3 if none1 yet have ,i rolled my tub on the ,craneum4 ,,the ,,true ,,history ,,introduction ,athletes and physical trainers do not limit their attention to the questions of perfect condition and exercise2 they say there is a time for relaxation also--which indeed they represent as the most important element in training4 ,i hold it equally true for literary men that after severe study they should unbend the intellect1 if it is to come perfectly efficient to its next task4 ,the rest they want will best be found in a course of literature which does not offer entertainment pure and simple1 depending on mere wit or felicity1 but is also capable of stirring an educated curiosity--in a way which ,i hope will be exemplified in the following pages4 ,they are intended to have an attraction independent of any originality of subject1 any happiness of general design1 any verisimilitude in the piling up of fictions4 ,this attraction is in the veiled reference underlying all the details of my narrative2 they parody the cock-and-bull stories of ancient poets1 historians1 and philosophers2 ,i have only refrained from adding a key because ,i could rely upon you to recognize as you read4 ,ctesias1 son of ,ctesiochus of ,cnidus1 in his work on ,india and its characteristics1 gives details for which he had neither the evidence of his eyes nor of hearsay4 ,iambulus's ,oceanica is full of marvels2 the whole thing is a manifest fiction1 but at the same time pleasant reading4 ,many other writers have adopted the same plan1 professing to relate their own travels1 and describing monstrous beasts1 savages1 and strange ways of life4 ,the fount and inspiration of their humour is the ,homeric ,odysseus1 entertaining ,alcinous's court with his prisoned winds1 his men one-eyed or wild or cannibal1 his beasts with many heads1 and his metamorphosed comrades2 the ,phaeacians were simple folk1 and he fooled them to the top of their bent4 ,when ,i come across a writer of this sort1 ,i do not much mind his lying2 the practice is much too well established for that1 even with professed philosophers2 ,i am only surprised at his expecting to escape detection4 ,now ,i am myself vain enough to cherish the hope of bequeathing something to posterity2 ,i see no reason for resigning my right to that inventive freedom which others enjoy2 and1 as ,i have no truth to put on record1 having lived a very humdrum life1 ,i fall back on falsehood--but falsehood of a more consistent variety2 for ,i now make the only true statement you are to expect--that ,i am a liar4 ,this confession is1 ,i consider1 a full defence against all imputations4 ,my subject is1 then1 what ,i have neither seen1 experienced1 nor been told1 what neither exists nor could conceivably do so4 ,i humbly solicit my readers' incredulity4 ,,book ,i ,starting on a certain date from the ,pillars of ,heracles1 ,i sailed with a fair wind into the ,atlantic4 ,the motives of my voyage were a certain intellectual restlessness1 a passion for novelty1 a curiosity about the limits of the ocean and the peoples who might dwell beyond it4 ,this being my design1 ,i provisioned and watered my ship on a generous scale4 ,my crew amounted to fifty1 all men whose interests1 as well as their years1 corresponded with my own4 ,i had further provided a good supply of arms1 secured the best navigator to be had for money1 and had the ship--a sloop--specially strengthened for a long and arduous voyage4 ,for a day and a night we were carried quietly along by the breeze1 with land still in sight4 ,but with the next day's dawn the wind rose to a gale1 with a heavy sea and a dark sky2 we found ourselves unable to take in sail4 ,we surrendered ourselves to the elements1 let her run1 and were storm-driven for more than eleven weeks4 ,on the eightieth day the sun came out quite suddenly1 and we found ourselves close to a lofty wooded island1 round which the waves were murmuring gently1 the sea having almost fallen by this time4 ,we brought her to land1 disembarked1 and after our long tossing lay a considerable time idle on shore2 we at last made a start1 however1 and leaving thirty of our number to guard the ship ,i took the other twenty on a tour of inspection4 ,we had advanced half a mile inland through woods1 when we came upon a brazen pillar1 inscribed in ,greek characters--which however were worn and dim--',heracles and ,dionysus reached this point4' ,not far off were two footprints on rock2 one might have been an acre in area1 the other being smaller2 and ,i conjecture that the latter was ,dionysus's1 and the other ,heracles's2 we did obeisance1 and proceeded4 ,before we had gone far1 we found ourselves on a river which ran wine2 it was very like ,chian2 the stream full and copious1 even navigable in parts4 ,this evidence of ,dionysus's sojourn was enough to convince us that the inscription on the pillar was authentic4 ,resolving to find the source1 ,i followed the river up1 and discovered1 instead of a fountain1 a number of huge vines covered with grapes2 from the root of each there issued a trickle of perfectly clear wine1 the joining of which made the river4 ,it was well stocked with great fish1 resembling wine both in colour and taste2 catching and eating some1 we at once found ourselves intoxicated2 and indeed when opened the fish were full of wine-lees2 presently it occurred to us to mix them with ordinary water fish1 thus diluting the strength of our spirituous food4 ,we now crossed the river by a ford1 and came to some vines of a most extraordinary kind4 ,out of the ground came a thick well-grown stem2 but the upper part was a woman1 complete from the loins upward4 ,they were like our painters' representations of ,daphne in the act of turning into a tree just as ,apollo overtakes her4 ,from the finger-tips sprang vine twigs1 all loaded with grapes2 the hair of their heads was tendrils1 leaves1 and grape-clusters4 ,they greeted us and welcomed our approach1 talking ,lydian1 ,indian1 and ,greek1 most of them the last4 ,they went so far as to kiss us on the mouth2 and whoever was kissed staggered like a drunken man4 ,but they would not permit us to pluck their fruit1 meeting the attempt with cries of pain4 ,some of them made further amorous advances2 and two of my comrades who yielded to these solicitations found it impossible to extricate themselves again from their embraces2 the man became one plant with the vine1 striking root beside it2 his fingers turned to vine twigs1 the tendrils were all round him1 and embryo grape- clusters were already visible on him4 ,we left them there and hurried back to the ship1 where we told our tale1 including our friends' experiment in viticulture4 ,then after taking some casks ashore and filling them with wine and water we bivouacked near the beach1 and next morning set sail before a gentle breeze4 ,but about midday1 when we were out of sight of the island1 a waterspout suddenly came upon us1 which swept the ship round and up to a height of some three hundred and fifty miles above the earth4 ,she did not fall back into the sea1 but was suspended aloft1 and at the same time carried along by a wind which struck and filled the sails4 ,for a whole week we pursued our airy course1 and on the eighth day descried land2 it was an island with air for sea1 glistening1 spherical1 and bathed in light4 ,we reached it1 cast anchor1 and landed2 inspection soon showed that it was inhabited and cultivated4 ,in the daytime nothing could be discerned outside of it2 but night revealed many neighbouring islands1 some larger and some smaller than ours2 there was also another land below us containing cities1 rivers1 seas1 forests1 and mountains2 and this we concluded to be our ,earth4 ,we were intending to continue our voyage1 when we were discovered and detained by the ,horse-vultures1 as they are called4 ,these are men mounted on huge vultures1 which they ride like horses2 the great birds have ordinarily three heads4 ,it will give you some idea of their size if ,i state that each of their quill-feathers is longer and thicker than the mast of a large merchantman4 ,this corps is charged with the duty of patrolling the land1 and bringing any strangers it may find to the king2 this was what was now done with us4 ,the king surveyed us1 and1 forming his conclusions from our dress1 ',strangers1' said he1 'you are ,greeks1 are you not8' we assented4 ',and how did you traverse this vast space of air8' ,in answer we gave a full account of ourselves1 to which he at once replied with his own history4 ,it seemed he too was a mortal1 named ,endymion1 who had been conveyed up from our ,earth in his sleep1 and after his arrival had become king of the country2 this was1 he told us1 what we knew on our ,earth as the moon4 ,he bade us be of good cheer and entertain no apprehensions2 all our needs should be supplied4 ',and if ,i am victorious1' he added1 'in the campaign which ,i am now commencing against the inhabitants of the ,sun1 ,i promise you an extremely pleasant life at my court4' ,we asked about the enemy1 and the quarrel4 ',phaethon1' he replied1 'king of the ,sun 7which is inhabited1 like the ,moon71 has long been at war with us4 ,the occasion was this3 ,i wished at one time to collect the poorest of my subjects and send them as a colony to ,lucifer1 which is uninhabited4 ,phaethon took umbrage at this1 met the emigrants half way with a troop of ,horse-ants1 and forbade them to proceed4 ,on that occasion1 being in inferior force1 we were worsted and had to retreat2 but ,i now intend to take the offensive and send my colony4 ,i shall be glad if you will participate2 ,i will provide your equipment and mount you on vultures from the royal coops2 the expedition starts to-morrow4' ,i expressed our readiness to do his pleasure4 ,that day we were entertained by the king2 in the morning we took our place in the ranks as soon as we were up1 our scouts having announced the approach of the enemy4 ,our army numbered #ajj1jjj 7exclusive of camp- followers1 engineers1 infantry1 and allies71 the ,horse-vultures amounting to #hj1jjj1 and the remaining #bj1jjj being mounted on ,salad-wings4 ,these latter are also enormous birds1 fledged with various herbs1 and with quill-feathers resembling lettuce leaves4 ,next these were the ,millet- throwers and the ,garlic-men4 ,endymion had also a contingent from the ,north of #cj1jjj ,flea-archers and #ej1jjj ,wind-coursers4 ,the former have their name from the great fleas1 each of the bulk of a dozen elephants1 which they ride4 ,the ,wind-coursers are infantry1 moving through the air without wings2 they effect this by so girding their shirts1 which reach to the ankle1 that they hold the wind like a sail and propel their wearers ship-fashion4 ,these troops are usually employed as skirmishers4 #gj1jjj ,ostrich-slingers and #ej1jjj ,horse-cranes were said to be on their way from the stars over ,cappadocia4 ,but as they failed to arrive ,i did not actually see them2 and a description from hearsay ,i am not prepared to give1 as the marvels related of them put some strain on belief4 ,such was ,endymion's force4 ,they were all armed alike2 their helmets were made of beans1 which grow there of great size and hardness2 the breastplates were of overlapping lupine-husks sewn together1 these husks being as tough as horn2 as to shields and swords1 they were of the ,greek type4 ,when the time came1 the array was as follows3 on the right were the ,horse-vultures1 and the ,king with the elite of his forces1 including ourselves4 ,the ,salad-wings held the left1 and in the centre were the various allies4 ,the infantry were in round numbers #fj1jjj1jjj2 they were enabled to fall in thus3 there are in the ,moon great numbers of gigantic spiders1 considerably larger than an average ,aegean island2 these were instructed to stretch webs across from the ,moon to ,lucifer2 as soon as the work was done1 the ,king drew up his infantry on this artificial plain1 entrusting the command to ,nightbat1 son of ,fairweather1 with two lieutenants4 ,on the enemy's side1 ,phaethon occupied the left with his ,horse-ants2 they are great winged animals resembling our ants except in size2 but the largest of them would measure a couple of acres4 ,the fighting was done not only by their riders2 they used their horns also2 their numbers were stated at #ej1jjj4 ,on their right was about an equal force of ,sky-gnats-- archers mounted on great gnats2 and next them the ,sky-pirouetters1 light- armed infantry only1 but of some military value2 they slung monstrous radishes at long range1 a wound from which was almost immediately fatal1 turning to gangrene at once2 they were supposed to anoint their missiles with mallow juice4 ,next came the ,stalk-fungi1 #aj1jjj heavy-armed troops for close quarters2 the explanation of their name is that their shields are mushrooms1 and their spears asparagus stalks4 ,their neighbours were the ,dog-acorns1 ,phaethon's contingent from ,sirius4 ,these were #e1jjj in number1 dog-faced men fighting on winged acorns4 ,it was reported that ,phaethon too was disappointed of the slingers whom he had summoned from the ,milky ,way1 and of the ,cloud-centaurs4 ,these latter1 however1 arrived1 most unfortunately for us1 after the battle was decided2 the slingers failed altogether1 and are said to have felt the resentment of ,phaethon1 who wasted their territory with fire4 ,such was the force brought by the enemy4 ,as soon as the standards were raised and the asses on both sides 7their trumpeters7 had brayed1 the engagement commenced4 ,the ,sunite left at once broke without awaiting the onset of the ,horse-vultures1 and we pursued1 slaying them4 ,on the other hand1 their right had the better of our left1 the ,sky-gnats pressing on right up to our infantry4 ,when these joined in1 however1 they turned and fled1 chiefly owing to the moral effect of our success on the other flank4 ,the rout became decisive1 great numbers were taken and slain1 and blood flowed in great quantities on to the clouds1 staining them as red as we see them at sunset2 much of it also dropped earthwards1 and suggested to me that it was possibly some ancient event of the same kind which persuaded ,homer that ,zeus had rained blood at the death of ,sarpedon4 ,relinquishing the pursuit1 we set up two trophies1 one for the infantry engagement on the spiders' webs1 and one on the clouds for the air- battle4 ,it was while we were thus engaged that our scouts announced the approach of the ,cloud-centaurs1 whom ,phaethon had expected in time for the battle4 ,they were indeed close upon us1 and a strange sight1 being compounded of winged horses and men2 the human part1 from the middle upwards1 was as tall as the ,colossus of ,rhodes1 and the equine the size of a large merchantman4 ,their number ,i cannot bring myself to write down1 for fear of exciting incredulity4 ,they were commanded by ,sagittarius4 ,finding their friends defeated1 they sent a messenger after ,phaethon to bring him back1 and1 themselves in perfect order1 charged the disarrayed ,moonites1 who had left their ranks and were scattered in pursuit or pillage2 they routed the whole of them1 chased the ,king home1 and killed the greater part of his birds2 they tore up the trophies1 and overran the woven plain2 ,i myself was taken1 with two of my comrades4 ,phaethon now arrived1 and trophies were erected on the enemy's part4 ,we were taken off to the ,sun the same day1 our hands tied behind with a piece of the cobweb4 ,they decided not to lay siege to the city2 but after their return they constructed a wall across the intervening space1 cutting off the ,sun's rays from the ,moon4 ,this wall was double1 and built of clouds2 the consequence was total eclipse of the ,moon1 which experienced a continuous night4 ,this severity forced ,endymion to negotiate4 ,he entreated that the wall might be taken down1 and his kingdom released from this life of darkness2 he offered to pay tribute1 conclude an alliance1 abstain from hostilities in future1 and give hostages for these engagements4 ,the ,sunites held two assemblies on the question1 in the first of which they refused all concessions2 on the second day1 however1 they relented1 and peace was concluded on the following terms4 ,articles of peace between the ,sunites and their allies of the one part1 and the ,moonites and their allies of the other part4 #a4 ,the ,sunites shall demolish the party-wall1 shall make no further incursion into the ,moon1 and shall hold their captives to ransom at a fixed rate4 #b4 ,the ,moonites shall restore to the other stars their autonomy1 shall not bear arms against the ,sunites1 and shall conclude with them a mutual defensive alliance4 #c4 ,the ,king of the ,moonites shall pay to the ,king of the ,sunites1 annually1 a tribute of ten thousand jars of dew1 and give ten thousand hostages of his subjects4 #d4 ,the high contracting parties shall found the colony of ,lucifer in common1 and shall permit persons of any other nationality to join the same4 #e4 ,these articles shall be engraved on a pillar of electrum1 which shall be set up on the border in mid-air4 ,sworn to on behalf of the ,sun by ,firebrace1 ,heaton1 and ,flashman2 and on behalf of the ,moon by ,nightwell1 ,monday1 and ,shimmer4 ,peace concluded1 the removal of the wall and restoration of captives at once followed4 ,as we reached the ,moon1 we were met and welcomed by our comrades and ,king ,endymion1 all weeping for joy4 ,the ,king wished us to remain and take part in founding the colony1 and1 women not existing in the ,moon1 offered me his son in marriage4 ,i refused1 asking that we might be sent down to the sea again2 and finding that he could not prevail1 he entertained us for a week1 and then sent us on our way4 ,i am now to put on record the novelties and singularities which attracted my notice during our stay in the ,moon4 ,when a man becomes old1 he does not die1 but dissolves in smoke into the air4 ,there is one universal diet2 they light a fire1 and in the embers roast frogs1 great numbers of which are always flying in the air2 they then sit round as at table1 snuffing up the fumes which rise and serve them for food2 their drink is air compressed in a cup till it gives off a moisture resembling dew4 ,beauty with them consists in a bald head and hairless body2 a good crop of hair is an abomination4 ,on the comets1 as ,i was told by some of their inhabitants who were there on a visit1 this is reversed4 ,they have beards1 however1 just above the knee2 no toe-nails1 and but one toe on each foot4 ,they are all tailed1 the tail being a large cabbage of an evergreen kind1 which does not break if they fall upon it4 ,their mucus is a pungent honey2 and after hard work or exercise they sweat milk all over1 which a drop or two of the honey curdles into cheese4 ,the oil which they make from onions is very rich1 and as fragrant as balsam4 ,they have an abundance of water-producing vines1 the stones of which resemble hailstones2 and my own belief is that it is the shaking of these vines by hurricanes1 and the consequent bursting of the grapes1 that results in our hailstorms4 ,they use the belly as a pouch in which to keep necessaries1 being able to open and shut it4 ,it contains no intestines or liver1 only a soft hairy lining2 their young1 indeed1 creep into it for protection from cold4 ,the clothing of the wealthy is soft glass1 and of the poor1 woven brass2 the land is very rich in brass1 which they work like wool after steeping it in water4 ,it is with some hesitation that ,i describe their eyes1 the thing being incredible enough to bring doubt upon my veracity4 ,but the fact is that these organs are removable2 any one can take out his eyes and do without till he wants them2 then he has merely to put them in2 ,i have known many cases of people losing their own and borrowing at need2 and some--the rich1 naturally--keep a large stock4 ,their ears are plane- leaves1 except with the breed raised from acorns2 theirs being of wood4 ,another marvel ,i saw in the palace4 ,there is a large mirror suspended over a well of no great depth2 any one going down the well can hear every word spoken on our ,earth2 and if he looks at the mirror1 he sees every city and nation as plainly as though he were standing close above each4 ,the time ,i was there1 ,i surveyed my own people and the whole of my native country2 whether they saw me also1 ,i cannot say for certain4 ,any one who doubts the truth of this statement has only to go there himself1 to be assured of my veracity4 ,when the time came1 we took our leave of ,king and court1 got on board1 and weighed anchor4 ,endymion's parting gifts to me were two glass shirts1 five of brass1 and a suit of lupine armour1 all of which1 however1 ,i afterwards left in the whale's belly2 he also sent1 as our escort for the first fifty miles1 a thousand of his ,horse-vultures4 ,we passed on our way many countries1 and actually landed on ,lucifer1 now in process of settlement1 to water4 ,we then entered the ,zodiac and passed the ,sun on the left1 coasting close by it4 ,my crew were very desirous of landing1 but the wind would not allow of this4 ,we had a good view of the country1 however1 and found it covered with vegetation1 rich1 well- watered1 and full of all good things4 ,the ,cloud-centaurs1 now in ,phaethon's pay1 espied us and pounced upon the ship1 but left us alone when they learned that we were parties to the treaty4 ,by this time our escort had gone home4 ,we now took a downward course1 and twenty-four hours' sailing brought us to ,lampton4 ,this lies between the atmospheres of the ,pleiads and the ,hyads1 though in point of altitude it is considerably lower than the ,zodiac4 ,when we landed1 we found no human beings1 but numberless lamps bustling about or spending their time in the market-place and harbour2 some were small1 and might represent the lower classes1 while a few1 the great and powerful1 were exceedingly bright and conspicuous4 ,they all had their own homes or lodgings1 and their individual names1 like us2 we heard them speak1 and they did us no harm1 offering us entertainment1 on the contrary2 but we were under some apprehension1 and none of us accepted either food or bed4 ,there is a ,government ,house in the middle of the city1 where the ,governor sits all night long calling the roll-call2 any one not answering to his name is capitally punished as a deserter2 that is to say1 he is extinguished4 ,we were present and witnessed the proceedings1 and heard lamps defending their conduct and advancing reasons for their lateness4 ,i there recognized our own house lamp1 accosted him1 and asked for news of my friends1 in which he satisfied me4 ,we stayed there that night1 set sail next morning1 and found ourselves sailing1 now1 nearly as low as the clouds4 ,here we were surprised to find ,cloud-cuckoo-land2 we were prevented from landing by the direction of the wind1 but learned that the ,king's name was ,crookbeak1 son of ,fitz-,ousel4 ,i bethought me of ,aristophanes1 the learned and veracious poet whose statements had met with unmerited incredulity4 ,three days more1 and we had a distinct view of the ,ocean1 though there was no land visible except the islands suspended in air2 and these had now assumed a brilliant fiery hue4 ,about noon on the fourth day the wind slackened and fell1 and we were deposited upon the sea4 ,the joy and delight with which the touch of water affected us is indescribable2 transported at our good fortune1 we flung ourselves overboard and swam1 the weather being calm and the sea smooth4 ,alas1 how often is a change for the better no more than the beginning of disaster6 ,we had but two days' delightful sail1 and by the rising sun of the third we beheld a crowd of whales and marine monsters1 and among them one far larger than the rest--some two hundred miles in length4 ,it came on open- mouthed1 agitating the sea far in front1 bathed in foam1 and exhibiting teeth whose length much surpassed the height of our great phallic images1 all pointed like sharp stakes and white as elephants' tusks4 ,we gave each other a last greeting1 took a last embrace1 and so awaited our doom4 ,the monster was upon us2 it sucked us in2 it swallowed ship and crew entire4 ,we escaped being ground by its teeth1 the ship gliding in through the interstices4 ,inside1 all was darkness at first1 in which we could distinguish nothing2 but when it next opened its mouth1 an enormous cavern was revealed1 of great extent and height2 a city of ten thousand inhabitants might have had room in it4 ,strewn about were small fish1 the disjecta membra of many kinds of animal1 ships' masts and anchors1 human bones1 and merchandise2 in the centre was land with hillocks upon it1 the alluvial deposit1 ,i supposed1 from what the whale swallowed4 ,this was wooded with trees of all kinds1 and vegetables were growing with all the appearance of cultivation4 ,the coast might have measured thirty miles round4 ,sea- birds1 such as gulls and halcyons1 nested on the trees4 ,we spent some time weeping1 but at last got our men up and had the ship made fast1 while we rubbed wood to get a fire and prepared a meal out of the plentiful materials around us2 there were fragments of various fish1 and the water we had taken in at ,lucifer was unexhausted4 ,upon getting up next day1 we caught glimpses1 as often as the whale opened his mouth1 of land1 of mountains1 it might be of the sky alone1 or often of islands2 we realized that he was dashing at a great rate to every part of the sea4 ,we grew accustomed to our condition in time1 and ,i then took seven of my comrades and entered the wood in search of information4 ,i had scarcely gone half a mile when ,i came upon a shrine1 which its inscription showed to have been raised to ,posidon2 a little further were a number of graves with pillars upon them1 and close by a spring of clear water2 we also heard a dog bark1 saw some distant smoke1 and conjectured that there must be a habitation4 ,we accordingly pressed on1 and found ourselves in presence of an old man and a younger one1 who were working hard at a plot of ground and watering it by a channel from the spring4 ,we stood still1 divided between fear and delight4 ,they were standing speechless1 no doubt with much the same feelings4 ,at length the old man spoke3--',what are you1 strangers2 are you spirits of the sea1 or unfortunate mortals like ourselves8 ,as for us1 we are men1 bred on land2 but now we have suffered a sea change1 and swim about in this containing monster1 scarce knowing how to describe our state2 reason tells us we are dead1 but instinct that we live4' ,this loosed my tongue in turn4 ',we too1 father1' ,i said1 'are men1 just arrived2 it is but a day or two since we were swallowed with our ship4 ,and now we have come forth to explore the forest2 for we saw that it was vast and dense4 ,methinks some heavenly guide has brought us to the sight of you1 to the knowledge that we are not prisoned all alone in this monster4 ,i pray you1 let us know your tale1 who you are and how you entered4' ,then he said that1 before he asked or answered questions1 he must give us such entertainment as he could2 so saying1 he brought us to his house--a sufficient dwelling furnished with beds and what else he might need--1 and set before us green-stuff and nuts and fish1 with wine for drink4 ,when we had eaten our fill1 he asked for our story4 ,i told him all as it had passed1 the storm1 the island1 the airy voyage1 the war1 and so to our descent into the whale4 ,it was very strange1 he said1 and then gave us his history in return4 ',i am a ,cyprian1 gentlemen4 ,i left my native land on a trading voyage with my son here and a number of servants4 ,we had a fine ship1 with a mixed cargo for ,italy2 you may have seen the wreckage in the whale's mouth4 ,we had a fair voyage to ,sicily1 but on leaving it were caught in a gale1 and carried in three days out to the ,atlantic1 where we fell in with the whale and were swallowed1 ship and crew2 of the latter we two alone survived4 ,we buried our men1 built a temple to ,posidon1 and now live this life1 cultivating our garden1 and feeding on fish and nuts4 ,it is a great wood1 as you see1 and in it are vines in plenty1 from which we get delicious wine2 our spring you may have noticed2 its water is of the purest and coldest4 ,we use leaves for bedding1 keep a good fire1 snare the birds that fly in1 and catch living fish by going out on the monster's gills2 it is there also that we take our bath when we are disposed4 ,there is moreover at no great distance a salt lake two or three miles round1 producing all sorts of fish2 in this we swim and sail1 in a little boat of my building4 ,it is now seven and twenty years since we were swallowed4 ',our lot might have been endurable enough1 but we have bad and troublesome neighbours1 unfriendly savages all4' ',what1' said ,i1 'are there other inhabitants8' ',a great many1' he replied1 'inhospitable and abhorrent to the sight4 ,the western part of the wood 7so to name the caudal region7 is occupied by the ,stockfish tribe2 they have eels' eyes and lobster faces1 are bold warriors1 and eat their meat raw4 ,of the sides of the cavern1 the right belongs to the ,tritonomendetes1 who from the waist upwards are human1 and weazels below2 their notions of justice are slightly less rudimentary than the others'4 ,the left is in possession of the ,crabhands and the ,tunnyheads1 two tribes in close alliance4 ,the central part is inhabited by the ,crays and the ,flounderfoots1 the latter warlike and extremely swift4 ,as to this district near the mouth1 the ,east1 as it were1 it is in great part desert1 owing to the frequent inundations4 ,i hold it of the ,flounderfoots1 paying an annual tribute of five hundred oysters4 ',such is the land2 and now it is for you to consider how we may make head against all these tribes1 and what shall be our manner of life4' ',what may their numbers be1 all told8' ,i asked4 ',more than a thousand4' ',and how armed8' ',they have no arms but fishbones4' ',why then1' ,i said1 'let us fight them by all means2 we are armed1 and they are not2 and1 if we win1 we shall live secure4' ,we agreed on this course1 and returned to the ship to make our preparations4 ,the pretext for war was to be non-payment of the tribute1 which was on the point of falling due4 ,messengers1 in fact1 shortly came to demand it1 but the old man sent them about their business with an insolent answer4 ,the ,flounderfoots and ,crays were enraged1 and commenced operations with a tumultuous inroad upon ,scintharus--this was our old man's name4 ,expecting this1 we were awaiting the attack in full armour4 ,we had put five and twenty men in ambush1 with directions to fall on the enemy's rear as soon as they had passed2 they executed their orders1 and came on from behind cutting them down1 while the rest of us--five and twenty also1 including ,scintharus and his son--met them face to face with a spirited and resolute attack4 ,it was risky work1 but in the end we routed and chased them to their dens4 ,they left one hundred and seventy dead1 while we lost only our navigating officer1 stabbed in the back with a mullet rib1 and one other4 ,we held the battlefield for the rest of that day and the night following1 and erected a trophy consisting of a dolphin's backbone upright4 ,next day the news brought the other tribes out1 with the ,stockfish under a general called ,slimer on the right1 the ,tunnyheads on the left1 and the ,crabhands in the centre2 the ,tritonomendetes stayed at home1 preferring neutrality4 ,we did not wait to be attacked1 but charged them near ,posidon's temple with loud shouts1 which echoed as in a subterranean cave4 ,their want of armour gave us the victory2 we pursued them to the wood1 and were henceforth masters4 ,soon after1 they sent heralds to treat for recovery of their dead1 and for peace4 ,but we decided to make no terms with them1 and marching out next day exterminated the whole1 with the exception of the ,tritonomendetes4 ,these too1 when they saw what was going on1 made a rush for the gills1 and cast themselves into the sea4 ,we went over the country1 now clear of enemies1 and occupied it from that time in security4 ,our usual employments were exercise1 hunting1 vine-dressing1 and fruit-gathering2 we were in the position of men in a vast prison from which escape is out of the question1 but within which they have luxury and freedom of movement4 ,this manner of life lasted for a year and eight months4 ,it was on the fifth of the next month1 about the second gape 7the whale1 ,i should say1 gaped regularly once an hour1 and we reckoned time that way7--about the second gape1 then1 a sudden shouting and tumult became audible2 it sounded like boatswains giving the time and oars beating4 ,much excited1 we crept right out into our monster's mouth1 stood inside the teeth1 and beheld the most extraordinary spectacle ,i ever looked upon--giants of a hundred yards in height rowing great islands as we do triremes4 ,i am aware that what ,i am to relate must sound improbable2 but ,i cannot help it4 ,very long islands they were1 but of no great height2 the circumference of each would be about eleven miles2 and its complement of giants was some hundred and twenty4 ,of these some sat along each side of the island1 rowing with big cypresses1 from which the branches and leaves were not stripped2 in the stern1 so to speak1 was a considerable hillock1 on which stood the helmsman with his hand on a brazen steering- oar of half a mile in length2 and on the deck forward were forty in armour1 the combatants2 they resembled men except in their hair1 which was flaming fire1 so that they could dispense with helmets4 ,the work of sails was done by the abundant forest on all the islands1 which so caught and held the wind that it drove them where the steersman wished2 there was a boatswain timing the stroke1 and the islands jumped to it like great galleys4 ,we had seen only two or three at first2 but there appeared afterwards as many as six hundred1 which formed in two lines and commenced an action4 ,many crashed into each other stem to stem1 many were rammed and sunk1 others grappled1 fought an obstinate duel1 and could hardly get clear after it4 ,great courage was shown by the troops on deck1 who boarded and dealt destruction1 giving no quarter4 ,instead of grappling-irons1 they used huge captive squids1 which they swung out on to the hostile island2 these grappled the wood and so held the island fast4 ,their missiles1 effective enough1 were oysters the size of waggons1 and sponges which might cover an acre4 ,aeolocentaur and ,thalassopot were the names of the rival chiefs2 and the question between them was one of plunder2 ,thalassopot was supposed to have driven off several herds of dolphins1 the other's property2 we could hear them vociferating the charge and calling out their ,kings' names4 ,aeolocentaur's fleet finally won1 sinking one hundred and fifty of the enemy's islands and capturing three with their crews2 the remainder backed away1 turned and fled4 ,the victors pursued some way1 but1 as it was now evening1 returned to the disabled ones1 secured most of the enemy's1 and recovered their own1 of which as many as eighty had been sunk4 ,as a trophy of victory they slung one of the enemy's islands to a stake which they planted in our whale's head4 ,they lay moored round him that night1 attaching cables to him or anchoring hard by2 they had vast glass anchors1 very strong4 ,next morning they sacrificed on the whale's back1 buried their dead there1 and sailed off rejoicing1 with something corresponding to our paean4 ,so ended the battle of the islands4 ,,book ,,ii ,i now began to find life in the whale unendurable2 ,i was tired to death of it1 and concentrated my thoughts on plans of escape4 ,our first idea was to excavate a passage through the beast's right side1 and go out through it4 ,we actually began boring1 but gave it up when we had penetrated half a mile without getting through4 ,we then determined to set fire to the forest1 our object being the death of the whale1 which would remove all difficulties4 ,we started burning from the tail end2 but for a whole week he made no sign2 on the eighth and ninth days it was apparent that he was unwell2 his jaws opened only languidly1 and each time closed again very soon4 ,on the tenth and eleventh days mortification had set in1 evidenced by a horrible stench2 on the twelfth1 it occurred to us1 just in time1 that we must take the next occasion of the mouth's being open to insert props between the upper and lower molars1 and so prevent his closing it2 else we should be imprisoned and perish in the dead body4 ,we successfully used great beams for the purpose1 and then got the ship ready with all the water and provisions we could manage4 ,scintharus was to navigate her4 ,next day the whale was dead4 ,we hauled the vessel up1 brought her through one of the gaps1 slung her to the teeth1 and so let her gently down to the water4 ,we then ascended the back1 where we sacrificed to ,posidon by the side of the trophy1 and1 as there was no wind1 encamped there for three days4 ,on the fourth day we were able to start4 ,we found and came into contact with many corpses1 the relics of the sea-fight1 and our wonder was heightened when we measured them4 ,for some days we enjoyed a moderate breeze1 after which a violent north wind rose1 bringing hard frost2 the whole sea was frozen--not merely crusted over1 but solidified to four hundred fathoms' depth2 we got out and walked about4 ,the continuance of the wind making life intolerable1 we adopted the plan1 suggested by ,scintharus1 of hewing an extensive cavern in the ice1 in which we stayed a month1 lighting fires and feeding on fish2 we had only to dig these out4 ,in the end1 however1 provisions ran short1 and we came out2 the ship was frozen in1 but we got her free2 we then hoisted sail1 and were carried along as well as if we had been afloat1 gliding smoothly and easily over the ice4 ,after five days more the temperature rose1 a thaw set in1 and all was water again4 ,a stretch of five and thirty miles brought us to a small desert isle1 where we got water--of which we were now in want--1 and shot two wild bulls before we departed4 ,these animals had their horns not on the top of the head1 but1 as ,momus recommended1 below the eyes4 ,not long after this1 we entered a sea of milk1 in which we observed an island1 white in colour1 and full of vines4 ,the island was one great cheese1 quite firm1 as we afterwards ascertained by eating it1 and three miles round4 ,the vines were covered with fruit1 but the drink we squeezed from it was milk instead of wine4 ,in the centre of the island was a temple to ,galatea the ,nereid1 as the inscription informed us4 ,during our stay there1 the ground itself served us for bread and meat1 and the vine-milk for drink4 ,we learned that the queen of these regions was ,tyro1 daughter of ,salmoneus1 on whom ,posidon had conferred this dignity at her decease4 ,after spending five days there we started again with a gentle breeze and a rippling sea4 ,a few days later1 when we had emerged from the milk into blue salt water1 we saw numbers of men walking on the sea2 they were like ourselves in shape and stature1 with the one exception of the feet1 which were of cork2 whence1 no doubt1 their name of ,corksoles4 ,it struck us as curious that they did not sink in1 but travelled quite comfortably clear of the water4 ,some of them came up and hailed us in ,greek1 saying that they were making their way to their native land of ,cork4 ,they ran alongside for some distance1 and then turned off and went their own way1 wishing us a pleasant voyage4 ,a little further we saw several islands2 close to us on the left was ,cork1 our friends' destination1 consisting of a city founded on a vast round cork2 at a greater distance1 and a little to the right1 were five others of considerable size and high out of the water1 with great flames rising from them4 ,there was also a broad low one1 as much as sixty miles in length1 straight in our course4 ,as we drew near it1 a marvellous air was wafted to us1 exquisitely fragrant1 like the scent which ,herodotus describes as coming from ,arabia ,felix4 ,its sweetness seemed compounded of rose1 narcissus1 hyacinth1 lilies and violets1 myrtle and bay and flowering vine4 ,ravished with the perfume1 and hoping for reward of our long toils1 we drew slowly near4 ,then were unfolded to us haven after haven1 spacious and sheltered1 and crystal rivers flowing placidly to the sea4 ,there were meadows and groves and sweet birds1 some singing on the shore1 some on the branches2 the whole bathed in limpid balmy air4 ,sweet zephyrs just stirred the woods with their breath1 and brought whispering melody1 delicious1 incessant1 from the swaying branches2 it was like ,pan-pipes heard in a desert place4 ,and with it all there mingled a volume of human sound1 a sound not of tumult1 but rather of revels where some flute1 and some praise the fluting1 and some clap their hands commending flute or harp4 ,drawn by the spell of it we came to land1 moored the ship1 and left her1 in charge of ,scintharus and two others4 ,taking our way through flowery meadows we came upon the guardians of the peace1 who bound us with rose- garlands--their strongest fetters--and brought us to the governor4 ,as we went they told us this was the island called of the ,blest1 and its governor the ,cretan ,rhadamanthus4 ,when we reached the court1 we found there were three cases to be taken before our turn would come4 ,the first was that of ,ajax1 son of ,telamon1 and the question was whether he was to be admitted to the company of ,heroes2 it was objected that he had been mad and taken his own life4 ,after long pleadings ,rhadamanthus gave his decision3 he was to be put under the charge of ,hippocrates the physician of ,cos for the hellebore treatment1 and1 when he had recovered his wits1 to be made free of the table4 ,the second was a matrimonial case1 the parties ,theseus and ,menelaus1 and the issue possession of ,helen4 ,rhadamanthus gave it in favour of ,menelaus1 on the ground of the great toils and dangers the match had cost him--added to the fact that ,theseus was provided with other wives in the ,amazon queen and the daughters of ,minos4 ,the third was a dispute for precedence between ,alexander son of ,philip and ,hannibal the ,carthaginian2 it was won by the former1 who had a seat assigned him next to ,cyrus the elder4 ,it was now our turn4 ,the judge asked by what right we set foot on this holy ground while yet alive4 ,in answer we related our story4 ,he then had us removed while he held a long consultation with his numerous assessors1 among whom was the ,athenian ,aristides the ,just4 ,he finally reached a conclusion and gave judgement3 on the charges of curiosity and travelling we were remanded till the date of our deaths2 for the present we were to stay in the island1 with admission to the ,heroic society1 for a fixed term1 after which we must depart4 ,the limit he appointed for our stay was seven months4 ,our rose-chains now fell off of their own accord1 we were released and taken into the city1 and to the ,table of the ,blest4 ,the whole of this city is built of gold1 and the enclosing wall of emerald4 ,it has seven gates1 each made of a single cinnamon plank4 ,the foundations of the houses1 and all ground inside the wall1 are ivory2 temples are built of beryl1 and each contains an altar of one amethyst block1 on which they offer hecatombs4 ,round the city flows a river of the finest perfume1 a hundred royal cubits in breadth1 and fifty deep1 so that there is good swimming4 ,the baths1 supplied with warm dew instead of ordinary water1 are in great crystal domes heated with cinnamon wood4 ,their raiment is fine cobweb1 purple in colour4 ,they have no bodies1 but are intangible and unsubstantial--mere form without matter2 but1 though incorporeal1 they stand and move1 think and speak2 in short1 each is a naked soul1 but carries about the semblance of body2 one who did not touch them would never know that what he looked at was not substantial2 they are shadows1 but upright1 and coloured4 ,a man there does not grow old1 but stays at whatever age he brought with him4 ,there is no night1 nor yet bright day2 the morning twilight1 just before sunrise1 gives the best idea of the light that prevails4 ,they have also but one season1 perpetual spring1 and the wind is always in the west4 ,the country abounds in every kind of flower1 in shrubs and garden herbs4 ,there are twelve vintages in the year1 the grapes ripening every month2 and they told us that pomegranates1 apples1 and other fruits were gathered thirteen times1 the trees producing twice in their month ,minous4 ,instead of grain1 the corn develops loaves1 shaped like mushrooms1 at the top of the stalks4 ,round the city are #cfe springs of water1 the same of honey1 and #ejj1 less in volume however1 of perfume4 ,there are also seven rivers of milk and eight of wine4 ,the banqueting-place is arranged outside the city in the ,elysian ,plain4 ,it is a fair lawn closed in with thick-grown trees of every kind1 in the shadow of which the guests recline1 on cushions of flowers4 ,the waiting and handing is done by the winds1 except only the filling of the wine- cup4 ,that is a service not required2 for all round stand great trees of pellucid crystal1 whose fruit is drinking-cups of every shape and size4 ,a guest arriving plucks a cup or two and sets them at his place1 where they at once fill with wine4 ,so for their drink2 and instead of garlands1 the nightingales and other singing birds pick flowers with their beaks from the meadows round1 and fly over snowing the petals down and singing the while4 ,nor is perfume forgotten2 thick clouds draw it up from the springs and river1 and hanging overhead are gently squeezed by the winds till they spray it down in fine dew4 ,during the meal there is music and song4 ,in the latter kind1 ,homer's verse is the favourite2 he is himself a member of the festal company1 reclining next above ,odysseus4 ,the choirs are of boys and girls1 conducted and led by ,eunomus the ,locrian1 ,arion of ,lesbos1 ,anacreon and ,stesichorus2 this last had made his peace with ,helen1 and ,i saw him there4 ,when these have finished1 a second choir succeeds1 of swans and swallows and nightingales2 and when their turn is done1 all the trees begin to pipe1 conducted by the winds4 ,i have still to add the most important element in their good cheer3 there are two springs hard by1 called the ,fountain of ,laughter1 and the ,fountain of ,delight4 ,they all take a draught of both these before the banquet begins1 after which the time goes merrily and sweetly4 ,i should now like to name the famous persons ,i saw4 ,to begin with1 all the demi-gods1 and the besiegers of ,troy1 with the exception of ,ajax the ,locrian2 he1 they said1 was undergoing punishment in the place of the wicked4 ,of barbarians there were the two ,cyruses1 ,anacharsis the ,scythian1 ,zamolxis the ,thracian1 and the ,latin ,numa2 and then ,lycurgus the ,spartan1 ,phocion and ,tellus of ,athens1 and the ,wise ,men1 but without ,periander4 ,and ,i saw ,socrates son of ,sophroniscus in converse with ,nestor and ,palamedes2 clustered round him were ,hyacinth the ,spartan1 ,narcissus of ,thespiae1 ,hylas1 and many another comely boy4 ,with ,hyacinth ,i suspected that he was in love2 at least he was for ever poking questions at him4 ,i heard that ,rhadamanthus was dissatisfied with ,socrates1 and had several times threatened him with expulsion1 if he insisted on talking nonsense1 and would not drop his irony and enjoy himself4 ,plato was the only one ,i missed1 but ,i was told that he was living in his own ,utopia1 working the constitution and laws which he had drawn up4 ,for popularity1 ,aristippus and ,epicurus bore the palm1 in virtue of their kindliness1 sociability1 and good-fellowship4 ,aesop the ,phrygian was there1 and held the office of jester4 ,diogenes of ,sinope was much changed2 he had married ,lais the courtesan1 and often in his cups would oblige the company with a dance1 or other mad pranks4 ,the ,stoics were not represented at all2 they were supposed to be still climbing the steep hill of ,virtue2 and as to ,chrysippus himself1 we were told that he was not to set foot on the island till he had taken a fourth course of hellebore4 ,the ,academics contemplated coming1 but were taking time for consideration2 they could not yet regard it as a certainty that any such island existed4 ,there was probably the added difficulty that they were not comfortable about the judgement of ,rhadamanthus1 having themselves disputed the possibility of judgement4 ,it was stated that many of them had started to follow persons travelling to the island1 but1 their energy failing1 had abandoned the journey half-way and gone back4 ,i have mentioned the most noteworthy of the company1 and add that the most highly respected among them are1 first ,achilles1 and second ,theseus4 ,before many days had passed1 ,i accosted the poet ,homer1 when we were both disengaged1 and asked him1 among other things1 where he came from2 it was still a burning question with us1 ,i explained4 ,he said he was aware that some brought him from ,chios1 others from ,smyrna1 and others again from ,colophon2 the fact was1 he was a ,babylonian1 generally known not as ,homer1 but as ,tigranes2 but when later in life he was given as a homer or hostage to the ,greeks1 that name clung to him4 ,another of my questions was about the so-called spurious lines2 had he written them1 or not8 ,he said they were all genuine2 so ,i now knew what to think of the critics ,zenodotus and ,aristarchus1 and all their lucubrations4 ,having got a categorical answer on that point1 ,i tried him next on his reason for starting the ,iliad at the wrath of ,achilles2 he said he had no exquisite reason2 it had just come into his head that way4 ,another thing ,i wanted to know was whether he had composed the ,odyssey before the ,iliad1 as generally believed4 ,he said this was not so4 ,as to his reported blindness1 ,i did not need to ask2 he had his sight1 so there was an end of that4 ,it became a habit of mine1 whenever ,i saw him at leisure1 to go up and ask him things1 and he answered quite readily--especially after his acquittal2 a libel suit had been brought against him by ,thersites1 on the ground of the ridicule to which he is subjected in the poem2 ,homer had briefed ,odysseus1 and been acquitted4 ,it was during our sojourn that ,pythagoras arrived2 he had undergone seven transmigrations1 lived the lives of that number of animals1 and completed his psychic travels4 ,it was the entire right half of him that was gold4 ,he was at once given the franchise1 but the question was still pending whether he was to be known as ,pythagoras or ,euphorbus4 ,empedocles also came1 scorched all over and baked right through2 but not all his entreaties could gain him admittance4 ,the progress of time brought round the ,games of the ,dead4 ,the umpires were ,achilles1 holding that office for the fifth1 and ,theseus for the seventh time4 ,a full report would take too long2 but ,i will summarize the events4 ,the wrestling went to ,carus the ,heraclid1 who won the garland from ,odysseus4 ,the boxing resulted in a tie2 the pair being the ,egyptian ,areus1 whose grave is in ,corinth1 and ,epeus4 ,for mixed boxing and wrestling they have no prize4 ,who won the flat race1 ,i have forgotten4 ,in poetry1 ,homer really did much the best1 but the award was for ,hesiod4 ,all prizes were plaited wreaths of peacock feathers4 ,just after the ,games were over1 news came that the ,damned had broken their fetters1 overpowered their guard1 and were on the point of invading the island1 the ringleaders being ,phalaris of ,agrigentum1 ,busiris the ,egyptian1 ,diomedes the ,thracian1 ,sciron1 and ,pityocamptes4 ,rhadamanthus at once drew up the ,heroes on the beach1 giving the command to ,theseus1 ,achilles1 and ,ajax ,telamonius1 now in his right senses4 ,the battle was fought1 and won by the ,heroes1 thanks especially to ,achilles4 ,socrates1 who was in the right wing1 distinguished himself still more than in his lifetime at ,delium1 standing firm and showing no sign of trepidation as the enemy came on2 he was afterwards given as a reward of valour a large and beautiful park in the outskirts1 to which he invited his friends for conversation1 naming it the ,post-mortem ,academy4 ,the defeated party were seized1 re-fettered1 and sent back for severer torments4 ,homer added to his poems a description of this battle1 and at my departure handed me the ,,ms4 to bring back to the living world2 but it was unfortunately lost with our other property4 ,it began with the line3 ,tell now1 my ,muse1 how fought the mighty ,dead4 ,according to their custom after successful war1 they boiled beans1 held the feast of victory1 and kept high holiday4 ,from this ,pythagoras alone held aloof1 fasting and sitting far off1 in sign of his abhorrence of bean-eating4 ,we were in the middle of our seventh month1 when an incident happened4 ,scintharus's son1 ,cinyras1 a fine figure of a man1 had fallen in love with ,helen some time before1 and it was obvious that she was very much taken with the young fellow2 there used to be nods and becks and takings of wine between them at table1 and they would go off by themselves for strolls in the wood4 ,at last love and despair inspired ,cinyras with the idea of an elopement4 ,helen consented1 and they were to fly to one of the neighbouring islands1 ,cork or ,cheese ,island4 ,they had taken three of the boldest of my crew into their confidence2 ,cinyras said not a word to his father1 knowing that he would put a stop to it4 ,the plan was carried out2 under cover of night1 and in my absence--,i had fallen asleep at table--1 they got ,helen away unobserved and rowed off as hard as they could4 ,about midnight ,menelaus woke up1 and finding his wife's place empty raised an alarm1 and got his brother to go with him to ,king ,rhadamanthus4 ,just before dawn the look-outs announced that they could make out the boat1 far out at sea4 ,so ,rhadamanthus sent fifty of the ,heroes on board a boat hollowed out of an asphodel trunk1 with orders to give chase4 ,pulling their best1 they overtook the fugitives at noon1 as they were entering the milky sea near the ,isle of ,cheese2 so nearly was the escape effected4 ,the boat was towed back with a chain of roses4 ,helen shed tears1 and so felt her situation as to draw a veil over her face4 ,as to ,cinyras and his associates1 ,rhadamanthus interrogated them to find whether they had more accomplices1 and1 being assured to the contrary1 had them whipped with mallow twigs1 bound1 and dismissed to the place of the wicked4 ,it was further determined that we should be expelled prematurely from the island2 we were allowed only one day's grace4 ,this drew from me loud laments and tears for the bliss that ,i was now to exchange for renewed wanderings4 ,they consoled me for their sentence1 however1 by telling me that it would not be many years before ,i should return to them1 and assigning me my chair and my place at table--a distinguished one--in anticipation4 ,i then went to ,rhadamanthus1 and was urgent with him to reveal the future to me1 and give me directions for our voyage4 ,he told me that ,i should come to my native land after many wanderings and perils1 but as to the time of my return he would give me no certainty4 ,he pointed1 however1 to the neighbouring islands1 of which five were visible1 besides one more distant1 and informed me that the wicked inhabited these1 the near ones1 that is1 'from which you see the great flames rising2 the sixth yonder is the ,city of ,dreams2 and beyond that again1 but not visible at this distance1 is ,calypso's isle4 ,when you have passed these1 you will come to the great continent which is opposite your own2 there you will have many adventures1 traverse divers tribes1 sojourn among inhospitable men1 and at last reach your own continent4' ,that was all he would say4 ,but he pulled up a mallow root and handed it to me1 bidding me invoke it at times of greatest danger4 ,when ,i arrived in this world1 he charged me to abstain from stirring fire with a knife1 from lupines1 and from the society of boys over eighteen2 these things if ,i kept in mind1 ,i might look for return to the island4 ,that day ,i made ready for our voyage1 and when the banquet hour came1 ,i shared it4 ,on the morrow ,i went to the poet ,homer and besought him to write me a couplet for inscription2 when he had done it1 ,i carved it on a beryl pillar which ,i had set up close to the harbour2 it ran thus3 ,this island1 ere he took his homeward way1 ,the blissful ,gods gave ,lucian to survey4 ,i stayed out that day too1 and next morning started1 the ,heroes attending to see me off4 ,odysseus took the opportunity to come unobserved by ,penelope and give me a letter for ,calypso in the isle ,ogygia4 ,rhadamanthus sent on board with me the ferryman ,nauplius1 who1 in case we were driven on to the islands1 might secure us from seizure by guaranteeing that our destination was different4 ,as soon as our progress brought us out of the scented air1 it was succeeded by a horrible smell as of bitumen1 brimstone1 and pitch all burning together2 mingled with this were the disgusting and intolerable fumes of roasting human flesh2 the air was dark and thick1 distilling a pitchy dew upon us2 we could also hear the crack of whips and the yelling of many voices4 ,we only touched at one island1 on which we also landed4 ,it was completely surrounded by precipitous cliffs1 arid1 stony1 rugged1 treeless1 unwatered4 ,we contrived to clamber up the rocks1 and advanced along a track beset with thorns and snags--a hideous scene4 ,when we reached the prison and the place of punishment1 what first drew our wonder was the character of the whole4 ,the very ground stood thick with a crop of knife- blades and pointed stakes2 and it was ringed round with rivers1 one of slime1 a second of blood1 and the innermost of flame4 ,this last was very broad and quite impassable2 the flame flowed like water1 swelled like the sea1 and teemed with fish1 some resembling firebrands1 and others1 the small ones1 live coals2 these were called lamplets4 ,one narrow way led across all three2 its gate was kept by ,timon of ,athens4 ,nauplius secured us admission1 however1 and then we saw the chastisement of many kings1 and many common men2 some were known to us2 indeed there hung ,cinyras1 swinging in eddies of smoke4 ,our guides described the life and guilt of each culprit2 the severest torments were reserved for those who in life had been liars and written false history2 the class was numerous1 and included ,ctesias of ,cnidus1 and ,herodotus4 ,the fact was an encouragement to me1 knowing that ,i had never told a lie4 ,i soon found the sight more than ,i could bear1 and returning to the ship bade farewell to ,nauplius and resumed the voyage4 ,very soon we seemed quite close to the ,isle of ,dreams1 though there was a certain dimness and vagueness about its outline2 but it had something dreamlike in its very nature2 for as we approached it receded1 and seemed to get further and further off4 ,at last we reached it and sailed into ,slumber1 the port1 close to the ivory gates where stands the temple of the ,cock4 ,it was evening when we landed1 and upon proceeding to the city we saw many strange dreams4 ,but ,i intend first to describe the city1 as it has not been done before2 ,homer indeed mentions it1 but gives no detailed description4 ,the whole place is embowered in wood1 of which the trees are poppy and mandragora1 all thronged with bats2 this is the only winged thing that exists there4 ,a river1 called the ,somnambule1 flows close by1 and there are two springs at the gates1 one called ,wakenot1 and the other ,nightlong4 ,the rampart is lofty and of many colours1 in the rainbow style4 ,the gates are not two1 as ,homer says1 but four1 of which two look on to the plain ,stupor2 one of them is of iron1 the other of pottery1 and we were told that these are used by the grim1 the murderous1 and the cruel4 ,the other pair face the sea and port1 and are of horn--it was by this that we had entered--and of ivory4 ,on the right as you enter the city stands the temple of ,night1 which deity divides with the ,cock their chief allegiance2 the temple of the latter is close to the port4 ,on the left is the palace of ,sleep4 ,he is the governor1 with two lieutenants1 ,nightmare1 son of ,whimsy1 and ,flittergold1 son of ,fantasy4 ,a well in the middle of the market-place goes by the name of ,heavyhead2 beside which are the temples of ,deceit and ,truth4 ,in the market also is the shrine in which oracles are given1 the priest and prophet1 by special appointment from ,sleep1 being ,antiphon the dream-interpreter4 ,the dreams themselves differed widely in character and appearance4 ,some were well-grown1 smooth-skinned1 shapely1 handsome fellows1 others rough1 short1 and ugly2 some apparently made of gold1 others of common cheap stuff4 ,among them some were found with wings1 and other strange variations2 others again were like the mummers in a pageant1 tricked out as kings or ,gods or what not4 ,many of them we felt that we had seen in our world1 and sure enough these came up and claimed us as old acquaintance2 they took us under their charge1 found us lodgings1 entertained us with lavish kindness1 and1 not content with the magnificence of this present reception1 promised us royalties and provinces4 ,some of them also took us to see our friends1 doing the return trip all in the day4 ,for thirty days and nights we abode there--a very feast of sleep4 ,then on a sudden came a mighty clap of thunder3 we woke2 jumped up2 provisioned2 put off4 ,in three days we were at the ,isle of ,ogygia1 where we landed4 ,before delivering the letter1 ,i opened and read it2 here are the contents3 ,,odysseus ,,to ,,calypso1 ,,greeting4 ,know that in the faraway days when ,i built my raft and sailed away from you1 ,i suffered shipwreck2 ,i was hard put to it1 but ,leucothea brought me safe to the land of the ,phaeacians2 they gave me passage home1 and there ,i found a great company suing for my wife's hand and living riotously upon our goods4 ,all them ,i slew1 and in after years was slain by ,telegonus1 the son that ,circe bare me4 ,and now ,i am in the ,island of the ,blest1 ruing the day when ,i left the life ,i had with you1 and the everlasting life you proffered4 ,i watch for opportunity1 and meditate escape and return4 ,some words were added1 commending us to her hospitality4 ,a little way from the sea ,i found the cave just as it is in ,homer1 and herself therein at her spinning4 ,she took and read the letter1 wept for a space1 and then offered us entertainment2 royally she feasted us1 putting questions the while about ,odysseus and ,penelope2 what were her looks8 and was she as discreet as ,odysseus had been used to vaunt her8 ,to which we made such answers as we thought she would like4 ,leaving her1 we went on board1 and spent the night at anchor just off shore2 in the morning we started with a stiff breeze1 which grew to a gale lasting two days2 on the third day we fell in with the ,pumpkin- pirates4 ,these are savages of the neighbouring islands who prey upon passing ships4 ,they use large boats made of pumpkins ninety feet long4 ,the pumpkin is dried and hollowed out by removal of the pulp1 and the boat is completed by the addition of cane masts and pumpkin-leaf sails4 ,two boatfuls of them engaged us1 and we had many casualties from their pumpkin-seed missiles4 ,the fight was long and well matched2 but about noon we saw a squadron of ,nut-tars coming up in rear of the enemy4 ,it turned out that the two parties were at war2 for as soon as our assailants observed the others1 they left us alone and turned to engage them4 ,meanwhile we hoisted sail and made the best of our way off1 leaving them to fight it out4 ,it was clear that the ,nut-tars must win1 as they had both superior numbers--there were five sail of them--and stronger vessels4 ,these were made of nutshells1 halved and emptied1 measuring ninety feet from stem to stern4 ,as soon as they were hull down1 we attended to our wounded2 and from that time we made a practice of keeping on our armour1 to be in instant readiness for an attack--no vain precaution either4 ,before sunset1 for instance1 there assailed us from a bare island some twenty men mounted on large dolphins--pirates again4 ,their dolphins carried them quite well1 curvetting and neighing4 ,when they got near1 they divided1 and subjected us to a cross fire of dry cuttlefish and crabs' eyes4 ,but our arrows and javelins were too much for them1 and they fled back to the island1 few of them unwounded4 ,at midnight1 in calm weather1 we found ourselves colliding with an enormous halcyon's nest2 it was full seven miles round4 ,the halcyon was brooding1 not much smaller herself than the nest4 ,she got up1 and very nearly capsized us with the fanning of her wings2 however1 she went off with a melancholy cry4 ,when it was getting light1 we got on to the nest1 and found on examination that it was composed like a vast raft of large trees4 ,there were five hundred eggs1 larger in girth than a tun of ,chian4 ,we could make out the chicks inside and hear them croaking2 we hewed open one egg with hatchets1 and dug out an unfledged chick bulkier than twenty vultures4 ,sailing on1 we had left the nest some five and twenty miles behind1 when a miracle happened4 ,the wooden goose of our stern-post suddenly clapped its wings and started cackling2 ,scintharus1 who was bald1 recovered his hair2 most striking of all1 the ship's mast came to life1 putting forth branches sideways1 and fruit at the top2 this fruit was figs1 and a bunch of black grapes1 not yet ripe4 ,these sights naturally disturbed us1 and we fell to praying the ,gods to avert any disaster they might portend4 ,we had proceeded something less than fifty miles when we saw a great forest1 thick with pines and cypresses4 ,this we took for the mainland2 but it was in fact deep sea1 set with trees2 they had no roots1 but yet remained in their places1 floating upright1 as it were4 ,when we came near and realized the state of the case1 we could not tell what to do2 it was impossible to sail between the trees1 which were so close as to touch one another1 and we did not like the thought of turning back4 ,i climbed the tallest tree to get a good view1 and found that the wood was five or six miles across1 and was succeeded by open water4 ,so we determined to hoist the ship on to the top of the foliage1 which was very dense1 and get her across to the other sea1 if possible4 ,it proved to be so4 ,we attached a strong cable1 got up on the tree-tops1 and hauled her after us with some difficulty2 then we laid her on the branches1 hoisted sail1 and floating thus were propelled by the wind4 ,a line of ,antimachus came into my head3 ,and as they voyaged thus the woodland through-- ,well1 we made our way over and reached the water1 into which we let her down in the same way4 ,we then sailed through clear transparent sea1 till we found ourselves on the edge of a great gorge which divided water from water1 like the land fissures which are often produced by earthquakes4 ,we got the sails down and brought her to just in time to escape making the plunge4 ,we could bend over and see an awful mysterious gulf perhaps a hundred miles deep1 the water standing wall against wall4 ,a glance round showed us not far off to the right a water bridge which spanned the chasm1 and gave a moving surface crossing from one sea to the other4 ,we got out the sweeps1 pulled her to the bridge1 and with great exertions effected that astonishing passage4 ,there followed a sail through smooth water1 and then a small island1 easy of approach1 and inhabited2 its occupants were the ,ox-heads1 savage men with horns1 after the fashion of our poets' ,minotaur4 ,we landed and went in search of water and provisions1 of which we were now in want4 ,the water we found easily1 but nothing else2 we heard1 however1 not far off1 a numerous lowing2 supposing it to indicate a herd of cows1 we went a little way towards it1 and came upon these men4 ,they gave chase as soon as they saw us1 and seized three of my comrades1 the rest of us getting off to sea4 ,we then armed--for we would not leave our friends unavenged-- and in full force fell on the ,ox-heads as they were dividing our slaughtered men's flesh4 ,our combined shout put them to flight1 and in the pursuit we killed about fifty1 took two alive1 and returned with our captives4 ,we had found nothing to eat2 the general opinion was for slaughtering the prisoners2 but ,i refused to accede to this1 and kept them in bonds till an embassy came from the ,ox-heads to ransom them2 so we understood the motions they made1 and their tearful supplicatory lowings4 ,the ransom consisted of a quantity of cheese1 dried fish1 onions1 and four deer2 these were three-footed1 the two forefeet being joined into one4 ,in exchange for all this we restored the prisoners1 and after one day's further stay departed4 ,by this time we were beginning to observe fish1 birds on the wing1 and other signs of land not far off2 and we shortly saw men1 practising a mode of navigation new to us2 for they were boat and crew in one4 ,the method was this3 they float on their backs1 erect a sail1 and then1 holding the sheets with their hands1 catch the wind4 ,these were succeeded by others who sat on corks1 to which were harnessed pairs of dolphins1 driven with reins4 ,they neither attacked nor avoided us1 but drove along in all confidence and peace1 admiring the shape of our craft and examining it all round4 ,that evening we touched at an island of no great size4 ,it was occupied by what we took for women1 talking ,greek4 ,they came and greeted us with kisses1 were attired like courtesans1 all young and fair1 and with long robes sweeping the ground4 ,cabbalusa was the name of the island1 and ,hydramardia the city's4 ,these women paired off with us and led the way to their separate homes4 ,i myself tarried a little1 under the influence of some presentiment1 and looking more closely observed quantities of human bones and skulls lying about4 ,i did not care to raise an alarm1 gather my men1 and resort to arms2 instead1 ,i drew out my mallow1 and prayed earnestly to it for escape from our perilous position4 ,shortly after1 as my hostess was serving me1 ,i saw that in place of human feet she had ass's hoofs2 whereupon ,i drew my sword1 seized1 bound1 and closely questioned her4 ,reluctantly enough she had to confess2 they were sea- women called ,ass-shanks1 and their food was travellers4 ',when we have made them drunk1' she said1 'and gone to rest with them1 we overpower them in their sleep4' ,after this confession ,i left her there bound1 went up on to the roof1 and shouted for my comrades4 ,when they appeared1 ,i repeated it all to them1 showed them the bones1 and brought them in to see my prisoner2 she at once vanished1 turning to water2 however1 ,i thrust my sword into this experimentally1 upon which the water became blood4 ,then we marched hurriedly down to our ship and sailed away4 ,with the first glimmering of dawn we made out a mainland1 which we took for the continent that faces our own4 ,we reverently saluted it1 made prayer1 and held counsel upon our best course4 ,some were for merely landing and turning back at once1 others for leaving the ship1 and going into the interior to make trial of the inhabitants4 ,but while we were deliberating1 a great storm arose1 which dashed us1 a complete wreck1 on the shore4 ,we managed to swim to land1 each snatching up his arms and anything else he could4 ,such are the adventures that befell me up to our arrival at that other continent3 our sea-voyage2 our cruise among the islands and in the air2 then our experiences in and after the whale2 with the ,heroes2 with the dreams2 and finally with the ,ox-heads and the ,ass-shanks4 ,our fortunes on the continent will be the subject of the following books4 ,,the ,,tyrannicide ,a man forces his way into the stronghold of a tyrant1 with the intention of killing him4 ,not finding the tyrant himself1 he kills his son1 and leaves the sword sticking in his body4 ,the tyrant1 coming1 and finding his son dead1 slays himself with the same sword4--,the assailant now claims that the killing of the son entitles him to the reward of tyrannicide4 ,two tyrants--a father advanced in years1 a son in the prime of life1 waiting only to step into his nefarious heritage--have fallen by my hand on a single day3 ,i come before this court1 claiming but one reward for my twofold service4 ,my case is unique4 ,with one blow ,i have rid you of two monsters3 with my sword ,i slew the son2 grief for the son slew the father4 ,the misdeeds of the tyrant are sufficiently punished3 he has lived to see his son perish untimely2 and--wondrous sequel6--the tyrant's own hand has freed us from tyranny4 ,i slew the son1 and used his death to slay another3 in his life he shared the iniquities of his father2 in his death1 so far as in him lay1 he was a parricide4 ,mine is the hand that freed you1 mine the sword that accomplished all3 as to the order and manner of procedure1 there1 indeed1 ,i have deviated from the common practice of tyrannicides3 ,i slew the son1 who had strength to resist me1 and left my sword to deal with the aged father4 ,in acting thus1 ,i had thought to increase your obligation to me2 a twofold deliverance--,i had supposed--would entitle me to a twofold reward2 for ,i have freed you not from tyranny alone1 but from the fear of tyranny1 and by removing the heir of iniquity have made your salvation sure4 ,and now it seems that my services are to go for nothing2 ,i1 the preserver of the constitution1 am to forgo the recompense prescribed by its laws4 ,it is surely from no patriotic motive1 as he asserts1 that my adversary disputes my claim2 rather it is from grief at the loss of the tyrants1 and a desire to avenge their death4 ,bear with me1 gentlemen1 for a little1 while ,i dwell in some detail upon those evils of tyranny with which you are only too familiar2 ,i shall thus enable you to realize the extent of my services1 and to enjoy the contemplation of sufferings from which you have escaped4 ,ours was not the common experience3 we had not one tyranny1 one servitude to endure1 we were not subjected to the caprice of a single master4 ,other cities have had their tyrant3 it was reserved for us to have two tyrants at once1 to groan beneath a double oppression4 ,that of the old man was light by comparison1 his anger mildness1 his resentment long-suffering2 age had blunted his passions1 checked their headlong impetus1 and curbed the lust of pleasure4 ,his crimes1 so it is said1 were involuntary2 resulting from no tyrannical disposition in himself1 but from the instigations of his son4 ,for in him paternal affection had too clearly become a mania2 his son was all in all to him2 he did his bidding1 committed every crime at his pleasure1 dealt out punishment at his command1 was subservient to him in all things2 the minister of a tyrant's caprice1 and that tyrant his son4 ,the young man left him in possession of the name and semblance of rule2 so much he conceded to his years3 but in all essentials he was the real tyrant4 ,by him the power of the tyrant was upheld2 by him and by him alone the fruits of tyranny were gathered4 ,he it was who maintained the garrison1 intimidated the victims of oppression1 and butchered those who meditated resistance2 who laid violent hands on boys and maidens1 and trampled on the sanctity of marriage4 ,murder1 banishment1 confiscation1 torture1 brutality2 all bespeak the wantonness of youth4 ,the father followed his son's lead1 and had no word of blame for the crimes in which he participated4 ,our situation became unbearable3 for when the promptings of passion draw support from the authority of rule1 then iniquity knows no further bounds4 ,we knew moreover 7and here was the bitterest thought of all7 that our servitude must endure--ay1 endure for ever2 that our city was doomed to pass in unending succession from master to master1 to be the heritage of the oppressor4 ,to others it is no small consolation that they may count the days1 and say in their hearts3 ',the end will be soon2 he will die1 and we shall be free4' ,we had no such hope3 there stood the heir of tyranny before our eyes4 ,there were others--men of spirit--who cherished like designs with myself2 yet all lacked resolution to strike the blow2 freedom was despaired of2 to contend against a succession of tyrants seemed a hopeless task4 ,yet ,i was not deterred4 ,i had reckoned the difficulties of my undertaking1 and shrank not back1 but faced the danger4 ,alone1 ,i issued forth to cope with tyranny in all its might4 ,alone1 did ,i say8 nay1 not alone2 ,i had my sword for company1 my ally and partner in tyrannicide4 ,i saw what the end was like to be3 and1 seeing it1 resolved to purchase your freedom with my blood4 ,i grappled with the outer watch1 with difficulty routed the guards1 slew all ,i met1 broke down all resistance1 --and so to the fountain-head1 the well-spring of tyranny1 the source of all our calamities2 within his stronghold ,i found him1 and there slew him with many wounds1 fighting valiantly for his life4 ,from that moment1 my end was gained3 tyranny was destroyed2 we were free men4 ,there remained the aged father1 alone1 unarmed1 desolate2 his guards scattered1 his strong protector slain2 no adversary this for a brave man4 ,and now ,i debated within myself3 ',my work is done1 my aim achieved1 all is as ,i would have it4 ,and how shall this remnant of tyranny be punished8 ,he is unworthy of the hand that shed that other blood3 the glory of a noble enterprise shall not be so denied4 ,no1 let some other executioner be found4 ,it were too much happiness for him to die1 and never know the worst2 let him see all1 for his punishment1 and let the sword be ready to his hand2 to that sword ,i leave the rest4' ,in this design ,i withdrew2 and the sword--as ,i had foreseen--did its office1 slew the tyrant1 and put the finishing touch to my work4 ,and now ,i come to you1 bringing democracy with me1 and call upon all men to take heart1 and hear the glad tidings of liberty4 ,enjoy the work of my hands6 ,you see the citadel cleared of the oppressors2 you are under no man's orders2 the law holds its course2 honours are awarded1 judgements given1 pleadings heard4 ,and all springs from one bold stroke1 from the slaying of that son whom his father might not survive4 ,i claim from you the recompense that is my due2 and that in no paltry1 grasping spirit2 it was not for a wage's sake that ,i sought to serve my country2 but ,i would have my deed confirmed by your award2 ,i would not be disparaged by slanderous tongues1 as one who attempted and failed1 and was deemed unworthy of honour4 ,my adversary tells me that ,i am unreasonable in asking for reward and distinction4 ,i did not slay the tyrant2 ,i have not fulfilled the requirements of the statute2 there is a flaw in my claim4--,and what more does he want of me8 ,say3 did ,i flinch8 did ,i not ascend into the citadel8 did ,i not slay8 are we not free men8 have we a master8 do we hear a tyrant's threats8 did any of the evil-doers escape me8--,no2 all is peace2 the laws are in force2 freedom is assured2 democracy is established2 our wives1 our daughters are unmolested1 our sons are safe2 the city keeps festival in the general joy4 ,and who is the cause of it all8 who has wrought the change8 ,has any man a prior claim8 ,then ,i withdraw2 be his the honour and the reward4 ,but if not--if mine was the deed1 mine the risk1 mine the courage to ascend and smite and punish1 dealing vengeance on the father through the son--then why depreciate my services8 why seek to deprive me of a people's gratitude8 ',but you did not kill the tyrant2 the law assigns the reward to him who kills the tyrant4' ,and pray what is the difference between killing him and causing his death8 ,i see none4 ,the law-giver had but one end in view1--freedom1 equality1 deliverance from oppression4 ,this was the signal service that he deemed worthy of recompense2 and this service you cannot deny that ,i have rendered4 ,in slaying one whom the tyrant could not survive1 ,i myself wrought the tyrant's death4 ,his was the hand3 the deed was mine4 ,let us not chop logic as to the manner and circumstances of his death1 but rather ask3 has he ceased to exist1 and am ,i the cause8 ,your scruples might go further1 and object to some future deliverer of his country1 that he struck not with the sword1 but with a stick or a stone or the like4 ,had ,i blockaded the tyrant1 and brought about his death by starvation1 you would still1 ,i suppose1 have objected that it was not the work of my own hand8 ,again there would have been a flaw in my claim8 ,the increased bitterness of such a death would have counted for nothing with you8 ,confine your attention to this one question3 does any of our oppressors survive8 is there any ground for anxiety1 any vestige of our past misery8 ,if not1 if all is peace1 then none but an envious detractor would attempt to deprive me of the reward of my labours by inquiring into the means employed4 ,moreover1 it is laid down in our laws 7unless after all these years of servitude my memory plays me false7 that blood-guiltiness is of two kinds4 ,a man may slay another with his own hand1 or1 without slaying him1 he may put death unavoidably in his way2 in the latter case the penalty is the same as in the former2 and rightly1 it being the intention of the law that the cause should rank with the act itself2 the manner in which death is brought about is not the question4 ,you would not acquit a man who in this sense had slain another2 you would punish him as a murderer3 how then can you refuse to reward as a benefactor the man who1 by parity of reasoning1 has shown himself to be the liberator of his country8 ,nor again can it be objected that all ,i did was to strike the blow1 and that the resulting benefits were accidental1 and formed no part of my design4 ,what had ,i to fear1 when once the stronger of our oppressors was slain8 ,and why did ,i leave my sword in the wound1 if not because ,i foresaw the very thing that would happen8 ,are you prepared to deny that the death so occasioned was that of a tyrant both in name and in fact1 or that his death was an event for which the state would gladly pay an abundant reward8 ,i think not4 ,if then the tyrant is slain1 how can you withhold the reward from him who occasioned his death8 ,what scrupulousness is this--to concern yourself with the manner of his end1 while you are enjoying the freedom that results from it8 ,democracy is restored3 what more can you demand from him who restored it8 ,you refer us to the terms of the law3 well1 the law looks only at the end2 of the means it says nothing2 it has no concern with them4 ,has not the reward of tyrannicide been paid before now to him who merely expelled a tyrant8 ,and rightly so3 for he too has made free men of slaves4 ,but ,i have done more3 banishment may be followed by restitution3 but here the family of tyrants is utterly annihilated and destroyed2 the evil thing is exterminated1 root and branch4 ,i implore you1 gentlemen1 to review my conduct from beginning to end1 and see whether there has been any such omission on my part as to make my act appear less than tyrannicide in the eye of the law4 ,the high patriotic resolve which prompts a man to face danger for the common good1 and to purchase the salvation of his country at the price of his own life2 this is the first requirement4 ,have ,i been wanting here8 ,have ,i lacked courage8 ,have ,i shrunk back at the prospect of the dangers through which ,i must pass8 ,my enemy cannot say it of me4 ,now at this stage let us pause4 ,consider only the intention1 the design1 apart from its success2 and suppose that ,i come before you to claim the reward of patriotism merely on the ground of my resolve4 ,i have failed1 and another1 following in my footsteps1 has slain the tyrant4 ,say1 is it unreasonable in such a case to allow my claim8 ',gentlemen1' ,i might say1 'the will1 the intention1 was mine2 ,i made the attempt1 ,i did what ,i could2 my resolve entitles me of itself to your reward4' ,what would my enemy say to that8 ,but in fact my case stands far otherwise4 ,i mounted into the stronghold1 ,i faced danger1 ,i had innumerable difficulties to contend with1 before ,i slew the son4 ,think not that it was a light or easy matter1 to make my way past the watch1 and single-handed to overcome one body of guards after another and put them to flight3 herein is perhaps the greatest difficulty with which the tyrannicide has to contend4 ,it is no such great matter to bring the tyrant to bay1 and dispatch him4 ,once overcome the guards that surround him1 and success is ensured2 little remains to be done4 ,i could not make my way to the tyrants till ,i had mastered every one of their satellites and bodyguards3 each of those preliminary victories had to be won4 ,once more ,i pause1 and consider my situation4 ,i have got the better of the guards2 ,i am master of the garrison2 ,i present you the tyrant stripped1 unarmed1 defenceless4 ,may ,i claim some credit for this1 or do you still require his blood8 ,well1 if blood you must have1 that too is not wanting2 my hands are not unstained2 the glorious deed is accomplished2 the youthful tyrant1 the terror of all men1 his father's sole security and protection1 the equivalent of many bodyguards1 is slain in the prime of his strength4 ,have ,i not earned my reward8 ,am ,i to have no credit for all that is done8 ,what if ,i had killed one of his guards1 some underling1 some favourite domestic8 ,would it not have been thought a great thing1 to go up and dispatch the tyrant's friend within his own walls1 in the midst of his armed attendants8 ,but who was my victim8 ,the tyrant's son1 himself a more grievous tyrant than his father1 more cruel in his punishments1 more violent in his excesses2 a pitiless master2 one1 above all1 whose succession to the supreme power promised a long continuance of our miseries4 ,shall ,i concede that this is the sum of my achievements8 ,shall we put it1 that the tyrant has escaped1 and lives8 ,still ,i claim my recompense4 ,what say you1 gentlemen8 do you withhold it8 ,the son1 perhaps1 caused you no uneasiness2 he was no despot1 no grievous oppressor8 ,and now for the final stroke4 ,all that my adversary demands of me1 ,i have performed2 and that in the most effectual manner4 ,i slew the tyrant when ,i slew his son2 slew him not with a single blow--he could have asked no easier expiation of his guilt than that--but with prolonged torment4 ,i showed him his beloved lying in the dust1 in pitiable case1 weltering in blood4 ,and what if he were a villain8 he was still his son1 still the old man's likeness in the pride of youth4 ,these are the wounds that fathers feel2 this the tyrannicide's sword of justice2 this the death1 the vengeance1 that befits cruelty and oppression4 ,the tyrant who dies in a moment1 and knows not his loss1 and sees not such sights as these1 dies unpunished4 ,i knew--we all knew--his affection for his son2 knew that not for one day would he survive his loss4 ,other fathers may be devoted to their sons3 his devotion was something more than theirs4 ,how should it be otherwise8 ,in him1 and in him alone1 the father saw the zealous guardian of his lawless rule1 the champion of his old age1 the sole prop of tyranny4 ,if grief did not kill him on the spot1 despair1 ,i knew1 must do so2 there could be no further joy in life for him when his protector was slain4 ,nature1 grief1 despair1 foreboding1 terror1--these were my allies2 with these ,i hemmed him in1 and drove him to his last desperate resolve4 ,know that your oppressor died childless1 heartbroken1 weeping1 groaning in spirit2 the time of his mourning was short1 but it was a father mourning for his son2 he died by his own hand1 bitterest1 most awful of deaths2 that death comes lightly1 by comparison1 which is dealt by another4 ,where is my sword8 ,does any one else know anything of this sword8 ,does any one claim it8 ,who took it up into the citadel8 ,the tyrant used this sword4 ,who had it before him8 ,who put it in his way8--,sword1 fellow labourer1 partner of my enterprise1--we have faced danger and shed blood to no purpose4 ,we are slighted4 ,men say that we have not earned our reward4 ,suppose that ,i had advanced a claim solely on my sword's behalf3 suppose that ,i had said to you3 ',gentlemen1 the tyrant had resolved to slay himself1 but was without a weapon at the moment1 when this sword of mine supplied his need1 and thereby played its part in our deliverance4' ,should you not have considered that the owner of a weapon so public- spirited was entitled to honour and reward8 ,should you not have recompensed him1 and inscribed his name among those of your benefactors2 consecrated his sword1 and worshipped it as a ,god8 ,now consider how the tyrant may be supposed to have acted and spoken as his end approached4--,his son lies mortally wounded at my hand2 the wounds are many1 and are exposed to view1 that so the father's heart may be torn asunder at the very first sight of him4 ,he cries out piteously to his father1 not for help--he knows the old man's feebleness--1 but for sympathy in his sufferings4 ,i meanwhile am making my way home3 ,i have written in the last line of my tragedy1 and now ,i leave the stage clear for the actor2 there is the body1 the sword1 all that is necessary to complete the scene4 ,the father enters4 ,he beholds his son1 his only son1 gasping1 blood-stained1 weltering in gore2 he sees the wounds--mortal wound upon wound--and exclaims3 ',son1 we are slain1 we are destroyed1 we are stricken in the midst of our power4 ,where is the assassin8 ,for what fate does he reserve me1 who am dead already in thy death1 ,o my son8 ,because ,i am old he fears me not1 he withholds his vengeance1 and would prolong my torment4' ,then he looks for a sword2 he has always gone unarmed himself1 trusting all to his son4 ,the sword is not wanting2 it has been waiting for him all this time2 ,i left it ready for the deed that was to follow4 ,he draws it from the wound and speaks3 ',sword1 that but a moment past hast slain me1 complete thy work3 comfort the stricken father1 aid his aged hand2 dispatch1 slay1 make an end of the tyrant and his grief4 ,would that ,i had met thee first1 that my blood had been shed before his6 ,i could but have died a tyrant's death1 and should have left an avenger behind me4 ,and now ,i die childless3 ,i have not so much as a murderer at my need4' ,even as he speaks1 with trembling hand he plunges the sword into his breast3 he is in haste to die2 but that feeble hand lacks strength to do its dread office4 ,is he punished8 ,are these wounds8 ,is this death8 ,a tyrant's death8 ,is there reward for this8 ,the closing scene you have all witnessed3 the son--no mean antagonist-- prostrate in death2 the father fallen upon him2 blood mingling with blood1 the drink-offering of ,victory and ,freedom2 and in the midst my sword1 that wrought all2 judge by its presence there1 whether the weapon was unworthy of its master1 whether it did him faithful service4 ,had all been done by my hand1 it had been little2 the strangeness of the deed is its glory4 ,the tyranny was overthrown by me1 and no other2 but many actors had their part to play in the drama4 ,the first part was mine2 the second was the son's2 the third the tyrant's2 and my sword was never absent from the stage4 ,,the ,,disinherited ,a disinherited son adopts the medical profession4 ,his father going mad1 and being given up by the other physicians1 he treats him successfully1 and is then reinstated in his rights4 ,subsequently his step-mother also goes mad2 he is bidden to cure her1 and1 declaring his inability to do so1 is once more disinherited4 ,there is neither novelty nor strangeness1 gentlemen of the jury1 in my father's present proceedings4 ,it is not the first time his passions have taken this direction2 it has become an instinctive habit with him to pay a visit to this familiar court4 ,still1 my unfortunate position has this much of novelty about it3 the charge ,i have to meet is not personal1 but professional2 ,i am to be punished for the inability of ,medicine to do my father's bidding4 ,a curious demand1 surely1 that healing should be done to order1 and depend not on the limits of one's art1 but on the wishes of one's father4 ,for my part1 ,i should be only too glad to find drugs in the pharmacopoeia which could relieve not only disordered wits1 but disordered tempers2 then ,i might be serviceable to my father4 ,as it is1 he is completely cured of madness1 but is worse-tempered than ever4 ,the bitterest part of it is1 he is sane enough in all other relations1 and mad only where his healer is concerned4 ,you see what my medical fee amounts to2 ,i am again disinherited1 cut off from my family once more1 as though the sole purpose of my brief reinstatement had been the accentuation of my disgrace by repetition4 ,when a thing is within the limits of possibility1 ,i require no bidding2 ,i came before ,i was summoned1 to see what ,i could do in this case4 ,but when there is absolutely no hope1 ,i will not meddle4 ,with this particular patient1 such caution is especially incumbent upon me2 how my father would treat me1 if ,i tried and failed1 ,i can judge by his disinheriting me when ,i refused to try4 ,gentlemen1 ,i am sorry for my stepmother's illness--for she was an excellent woman2 ,i am sorry for my father's distress thereat2 ,i am most sorry of all that ,i should seem rebellious1 and be unable to give the required service2 but the disease is incurable1 and my art is not omnipotent4 ,i do not see the justice of disinheriting one who1 when he cannot do a thing1 refuses to undertake it4 ,the present case throws a clear light upon the reasons for my first disinheriting4 ,the allegations of those days ,i consider to have been disposed of by my subsequent life2 and the present charges ,i shall do my best to clear away with a short account of my proceedings4 ,wilful and disobedient son that ,i am1 a disgrace to my father1 unworthy of my family1 ,i thought proper to say very little indeed in answer to his long and vehement denunciations4 ,banished from my home1 ,i reflected that ,i should find my most convincing plea1 my best acquittal1 in the life ,i then led1 in practically illustrating the difference between my father's picture and the reality1 in devotion to the worthiest pursuits and association with the most reputable company4 ,but ,i had also a presentiment of what actually happened2 it occurred to me even then that a perfectly sane father does not rage causelessly at his son1 nor trump up false accusations against him4 ,persons were not wanting who detected incipient madness2 it was the warning and precursor of a stroke which would fall before long--this unreasoning dislike1 this harsh conduct1 this fluent abuse1 this malignant prosecution1 all this violence1 passion1 and general ill temper4 ,yes1 gentlemen1 ,i saw that the time might come when ,medicine would serve me well4 ,i went abroad1 attended lectures by the most famous foreign physicians1 and by hard work and perseverance mastered my craft4 ,upon my return1 ,i found that my father's madness had developed1 and that he had been given up by the local doctors1 who are not distinguished for insight1 and are much to seek in accurate diagnosis4 ,i did no more than a son's duty when ,i forgot and forgave the disinheritance1 and visited him without waiting to be called in2 ,i had in fact nothing to complain of that was properly his act2 his errors were not his1 but1 as ,i have implied1 those of his illness4 ,i came unsummoned1 then4 ,but ,i did not treat him at once2 that is not our custom1 nor what our art enjoins upon us4 ,what we are taught to do is first of all to ascertain whether the disease is curable or incurable--has it passed beyond our control8 ,after that1 if it is susceptible of treatment1 we treat it1 and do our very best to relieve the sufferer4 ,but if we realize that the complaint has got the entire mastery1 we have nothing to do with it at all4 ,that is the tradition that has come down to us from the fathers of our art1 who direct us not to attempt hopeless cases4 ,well1 ,i found that there was yet hope for my father2 the complaint had not gone too far2 ,i watched him for a long time2 formed my conclusions with scrupulous care2 then1 ,i commenced operations and exhibited my drugs without hesitation--though many of his friends were suspicious of my prescription1 impugned the treatment1 and took notes to be used against me4 ,my step-mother was present1 distressed and doubtful--the result not of any dislike to me1 but of pure anxiety1 based on her full knowledge of his sad condition2 no one but her1 who had lived with and nursed him1 knew the worst4 ,however1 ,i never faltered2 the symptoms would not lie to me1 nor my art fail me2 when the right moment came1 ,i applied the treatment1 in spite of the timidity of some of my friends1 who were afraid of the scandal that might result from a failure2 it would be said that the medicine was my vengeful retort to the disinheritance4 ,to make a long story short1 it was at once apparent that he had taken no harm2 he was in his senses again1 and aware of all that went on4 ,the company were amazed2 my step-mother thanked me1 and every one could see that she was delighted both at my triumph and at her husband's recovery4 ,he himself-- to give credit where it is due--did not take time to consider1 nor to ask advice1 but1 as soon as he heard the story1 undid what he had done1 made me his son again1 hailed me as his preserver and benefactor1 confessed that ,i had now given my proofs1 and withdrew his previous charges4 ,all this was delightful to the better1 who were many1 among his friends1 but distasteful to the persons who enjoy a quarrel more than a reconciliation4 ,i observed at the time that all were not equally pleased2 there were changes of colour1 uneasy glances1 signs of mortification1 in one quarter at least1 which told of envy and hatred4 ,with us1 who had recovered each other1 all was naturally affection and rejoicing4 ,quite a short time after1 my step-mother's disorder commenced--a very terrible and unaccountable one1 gentlemen of the jury4 ,i observed it from its very beginning2 it was no slight superficial case1 this2 it was a long-established but hitherto latent mental disease1 which now burst out and forced its way into notice4 ,there are many signs by which we know that madness is incurable--among them a strange one which ,i noticed in this case4 ,ordinary society has a soothing1 alleviating effect2 the patient forgets to be mad2 but if he sees a doctor1 or even hears one mentioned1 he at once displays acute irritation--an infallible sign that he is far gone1 incurable in fact4 ,i was distressed to notice this symptom2 my step-mother was a worthy person who deserved a better fate1 and ,i was all compassion for her4 ,but my father in his simplicity1 knowing neither when nor how the trouble began1 and quite unable to gauge its gravity1 bade me cure her by the drugs that had cured him4 ,his idea was that madness was to be nothing else but mad2 the disease was the same1 its effects the same1 and it must admit of the same treatment4 ,when ,i told him1 as was perfectly true1 that his wife was incurable1 and confessed that the case was beyond me1 he thought it an outrage1 said ,i was refusing because ,i chose to1 and treating the poor woman shamefully--in short1 visited upon me the limitations of my art4 ,such ebullitions are common enough in distress2 we all lose our tempers then with the people who tell us the truth4 ,i must nevertheless defend myself and my profession1 as well as ,i can1 against his strictures4 ,i will begin with some remarks upon the law under which ,i am to be disinherited2 my father will please to observe that it is not quite so much now as before a matter for his absolute discretion4 ,you will find1 sir1 that the author of the law has not conferred the right of disherison upon any father against any son upon any pretext4 ,it is true he has armed fathers with this weapon2 but he has also protected sons against its illegitimate use4 ,that is the meaning of his insisting that the procedure shall not be irresponsible and uncontrolled1 but come under the legal cognizance of inspectors whose decision will be uninfluenced by passion or misrepresentation4 ,he knew how often irritation is unreasonable1 and what can be effected by a lying tale1 a trusted slave1 or a spiteful woman4 ,he would not have the deed done without form of law2 sons were not to be condemned unheard and out of hand2 they are to have the ear of the court for so long by the clock1 and there is to be adequate inquiry into the facts4 ,my father's competence1 then1 being confined to preferring his complaints1 and the decision whether they are reasonable or not resting with you1 ,i shall be within my rights in requesting you to defer consideration of the grievance on which he bases the present suit1 until you have determined whether a second disinheritance is admissible in the abstract4 ,he has cast me off1 has exercised his legal rights1 enforced his parental powers to the full1 and then restored me to my position as his son4 ,now it is iniquitous1 ,i maintain1 that fathers should have these unlimited penal powers1 that disgrace should be multiplied1 apprehension made perpetual1 the law now chastize1 now relent1 now resume its severity1 and justice be the shuttlecock of our fathers' caprices4 ,it is quite proper for the law to humour1 encourage1 give effect to1 one punitive impulse on the part of him who has begotten us2 but if1 after shooting his bolt1 insisting on his right1 indulging his wrath1 he discovers our merits and takes us back1 then he should be held to his decision1 and not allowed to oscillate1 waver1 do and undo any more4 ,originally1 he had no means of knowing whether his offspring would turn out well or ill2 that is why parents who have decided to bring up children before they knew their nature are permitted to reject such as are found unworthy of their family4 ,but when a man has taken his son back1 not upon compulsion1 but of his own motion and after inquiry1 how can further chopping and changing be justified8 ,what further occasion for the law8 ,its author might fairly say to you1 sir3 ,if your son was vicious and deserved to be disinherited1 what were you about to recall him8 ,why have him home again8 ,why suspend the law's operation8 ,you were a free agent2 you need not have done it4 ,the laws are not your play-ground2 you are not to put the courts in motion every time your mood varies2 the laws are not to be suspended to- day and enforced to-morrow1 with juries to look on at the proceedings1 or rather to be the ministers of your whims1 executioners or peace-makers according to your taste and fancy4 ,the boy cost you one begetting1 and one rearing2 in return for which you may disinherit him1 once1 always provided you have reason to show for it4 ,disinheriting as a regular habit1 a promiscuous pastime1 is not included in the patria potestas4 ,gentlemen of the jury1 ,i entreat you in ,heaven's name not to permit him1 after voluntarily reinstating me1 reversing the previous decision1 and renouncing his anger1 to revive the old sentence and have recourse to the same paternal rights2 the period of their validity is past and gone2 his own act suffices to annul and exhaust their power4 ,you know the general rule of the courts1 that a party dissatisfied with the verdict of a ballot--provided jury is allowed an appeal to another court2 but that is not so when the parties have agreed upon arbitrators1 and1 after such selection1 put the matter in their hands4 ,they had the choice1 there1 of not recognizing the court ab initio2 if they nevertheless did so1 they may fairly be expected to abide by its award4 ,similarly you1 sir1 had the choice of never taking back your son1 if you thought him unworthy2 having decided that he was worthy1 and taken him back1 you cannot be permitted to disinherit him anew2 the evidence of his not deserving it is your own admission of his worth4 ,it is only right that the reinstatement and reconciliation should be definitive1 after such abundant investigation2 there have been two trials1 observe3 the first1 that in which you rejected me2 the second1 that in your own conscience1 which reversed the decision of the other2 the fact of reversal only adds force to the later result4 ,abide1 then1 by your second thoughts1 and uphold your own verdict4 ,you are to be my father2 such was your determination1 approved and ratified4 ,suppose ,i were not your begotten1 but only your adopted son1 ,i hold that you could not then have disinherited me2 for what it is originally open to us not to do1 we have no right1 having done1 to undo4 ,but where there is both the natural tie1 and that of deliberate choice1 how can a second rejection1 a repeated deprivation of the one relationship1 be justified8 ,or again1 suppose ,i had been a slave1 and you had seen reason to put me in irons1 and afterwards1 convinced of my innocence1 made me a free man2 could you1 upon an angry impulse1 have enslaved me again8 ,assuredly not2 the law makes these acts binding and irrevocable4 ,upon this contention1 that the voluntary annulment of a disinheritance precludes a repetition of the act1 ,i could enlarge further1 but will not labour the point4 ,you have next to consider the character of the man now to be disinherited4 ,i lay no stress upon the fact that ,i was then nothing1 and am now a physician2 my art will not help me here4 ,as little do ,i insist that ,i was then young1 and am now middle-aged1 with my years as a guarantee against misconduct2 perhaps there is not much in that either4 ,but1 gentlemen1 at the time of my previous expulsion1 if ,i had never done my father any harm 7as ,i should maintain71 neither had ,i done him any good2 whereas now ,i have recently been his preserver and benefactor2 could there be worse ingratitude than so1 and so soon1 to requite me for saving him from that terrible fate8 ,my care of him goes for nothing2 it is lightly forgotten1 and ,i am driven forth desolate--,i1 whose wrongs might have excused my rejoicing at his troubles1 but who1 so far from bearing malice1 saved him and restored him to his senses4 ,for1 gentlemen1 it is no ordinary slight kindness that he is choosing this way of repaying4 ,you all know 7though he may not realize7 what he was capable of doing1 what he had to endure1 what his state was1 in fact1 during those bad days4 ,the doctors had given him up1 his relations had cleared away and dared not come near him2 but ,i undertook his case and restored him to the power of--accusing me and going to law4 ,let me help your imagination1 sir4 ,you were very nearly in the state in which your wife now is1 when ,i gave you back your understanding4 ,it is surely not right that my reward for that should be this--that your understanding should be used against me alone4 ,that it is no trifling kindness ,i have done you is apparent from the very nature of your accusation4 ,the ground of your hatred is that she whom ,i do not cure is in extremities1 is terribly afflicted2 then1 seeing that ,i relieved you of just such an affliction1 there is surely better reason for you to love and be grateful to me for your own release from such horrors4 ,but you are unconscionable enough to make the first employment of your restored faculties an indictment of me2 you smite your healer1 the ancient hate revives1 and we have you reciting the same old law again4 ,my art's handsome fee1 the worthy payment for my drugs1 is--your present manifestation of vigour6 ,but you1 gentlemen of the jury1 will you allow him to punish his benefactor1 drive away his preserver1 pay for his wits with hatred1 and for his recovery with chastisement8 ,i hope better things of your justice4 ,however flagrantly ,i had now been misconducting myself1 ,i had a large balance of gratitude to draw upon4 ,with that consideration in his memory1 he need not have been extreme to mark what is now done amiss2 it might have inspired him with ready indulgence1 the more if the antecedent service was great enough to throw anything that might follow into the shade4 ,that fairly states my relation to him2 ,i preserved him2 he owes his life absolutely to me2 his existence1 his sanity1 his understanding1 are my gifts1 given1 moreover1 when all others despaired and confessed that the case was beyond their skill4 ,the service that ,i did was the more meritorious1 it seems to me1 in that ,i was not at the time my father's son1 nor under any obligation to undertake the case2 ,i was independent of him1 a mere stranger2 the natural bond had been snapped4 ,yet ,i was not indifferent2 ,i came as a volunteer1 uninvited1 at my own instance4 ,i brought help1 ,i persevered1 ,i effected the cure1 ,i restored him1 thereby securing myself at once a father and an acquittal2 ,i conquered anger with kindness1 disarmed law with affection1 purchased readmission to my family with important service1 proved my filial loyalty at that critical moment1 was adopted 7or adopted myself1 rather7 on the recommendation of my art1 while my conduct in trying circumstances proved me a son by blood also4 ,for ,i had anxiety and fatigue enough in being always on the spot1 ministering to my patient1 watching for my opportunities1 now humouring the disease when it gathered strength1 now availing myself of a remission to combat it4 ,of all a physician's tasks the most hazardous is the care of patients like this1 with the personal attendance it involves2 for in their moments of exasperation they are apt to direct their fury upon any one they can come at4 ,yet ,i never shrank or hesitated2 ,i was always there2 ,i had a life- and-death struggle with the malady1 and the final victory was with me and my drugs4 ,now ,i can fancy a person who hears all this objecting hastily1 ',what a fuss about giving a man a dose of medicine6' ,but the fact is1 there are many preliminaries to be gone through2 the ground has to be prepared2 the body must first be made susceptible to treatment2 the patient's whole condition has to be studied2 he must be purged1 reduced1 dieted1 properly exercised1 enabled to sleep1 coaxed into tranquillity4 ,now other invalids will submit to all this2 but mania robs its victims of self-control2 they are restive and jib2 their physicians are in danger1 and treatment at a disadvantage4 ,constantly1 when we are on the very point of success and full of hope1 some slight hitch occurs1 and a relapse takes place which undoes all in a moment1 neutralizing our care and tripping up our art4 ,now1 after my going through all this1 after my wrestle with this formidable disease and my triumph over so elusive an ailment1 is it still your intention to support him in disinheriting me8 ,shall he interpret the laws as he will against his benefactor8 ,will you look on while he makes war upon nature8 ,i obey nature1 gentlemen of the jury1 in saving my father from death1 and myself from the loss of him1 unjust as he had been4 ,he on the contrary defers to law 7he calls it law7 in ruining and cutting off from his kin the son who has obliged him4 ,he is a cruel father1 ,i a loving son4 ,i own the authority of nature3 he spurns and flings it from him4 ,how misplaced is this paternal hate6 ,how worse misplaced this filial love6 ,for ,i must reproach myself--my father will have it so4 ,and the reproach8 ,that where ,i should hate 7for ,i am hated71 ,i love1 and where ,i should love little1 ,i love much4 ,yet surely nature requires of parents that they love their children more than of children that they love their parents4 ,but he deliberately disregards both the law1 which secures children their family rights during good behaviour1 and nature1 which inspires parents with fervent love for their offspring4 ,having greater incentives to affection1 you might suppose that he would confer the fruits of it upon me in larger measure1 or at the least reciprocate and emulate my love4 ,alas1 far from it6 he returns hate for love1 persecution for devotion1 wrong for service1 disinheritance for respect2 the laws which guard1 he converts into means of assailing1 the rights of children4 ,ah1 my father1 how do you force law into your service in this battle against nature6 ,the facts1 believe me1 are not as you would have them4 ,you are a bad exponent1 sir1 of good laws4 ,in this matter of affection there is no war between law and nature2 they hunt in couples1 they work together for the remedying of wrongs4 ,when you evil entreat your benefactor1 you are wronging nature2 now ,i ask1 do you wrong the laws as well as nature8 ,you do2 it is their intention to be fair and just and give sons their rights2 but you will not allow it2 you hound them on again and again upon one child as though he were many2 you keep them ever busy punishing1 when their own desire is peace and goodwill between father and son4 ,i need hardly add that1 as against the innocent1 they may be said to have no existence4 ,but let me tell you1 ingratitude also is an offence known to the law2 an action will lie against a person who fails to recompense his benefactor4 ,if he adds to such failure an attempt to punish1 he has surely reached the uttermost limits of wrong in this sort4 ,and now ,i think ,i have sufficiently established two points3 first1 my father has not the right1 after once exerting his parental privilege and availing himself of the law1 to disinherit me again2 and secondly1 it is on general grounds inadmissible to cast off and expel from his family one who has rendered service so invaluable4 ,let us next proceed to the actual reasons given for the disinheritance2 let us inquire into the nature of the charge4 ,we must first go back for a moment to the intention of the legislator4 ,we will grant you for the sake of argument1 sir1 that it is open to you to disinherit as often as you please2 we will further concede you this right against your benefactor2 but ,i presume that disinheritance is not to be the beginning and the ending in itself2 you will not resort to it1 that is1 without sufficient cause4 ,the legislator's meaning is not that the father can disinherit1 whatever his grievance may be1 that nothing is required beyond the wish and a complaint2 in that case1 what is the court's function8 ,no1 gentlemen1 it is your business to inquire whether the parental anger rests upon good and sufficient grounds4 ,that is the question which ,i am now to put before you2 and ,i will take up the story from the moment when sanity was restored4 ,the first-fruits of this was the withdrawal of the disinheritance2 ,i was preserver1 benefactor1 everything4 ,so far my conduct is not open to exception1 ,i take it4 ,well1 and later on what fault has my father to find8 ,what attention or filial duty did ,i omit8 ,did ,i stay out o' nights1 sir8 ,do you charge me with untimely drinkings and revellings8 ,was ,i extravagant8 ,did ,i get into some disreputable brawl8 ,did any such complaint reach you8 ,none whatever4 ,yet these are just the offences for which the law contemplates disherison4 ,ah1 but my step-mother fell ill4 ,indeed1 and do you make that a charge against me8 ,do you prefer a suit for ill health8 ,i understand you to say no4 ,what is the grievance1 then8-,that you refuse to treat her at my bidding1 and for such disobedience to your father deserve to be disinherited4--,gentlemen1 ,i will explain presently how the nature of this demand results in a seeming disobedience1 but a real inability4 ,meanwhile1 ,i simply remark that neither the authority which the law confers on him1 nor the obedience to which ,i am bound1 is indiscriminate4 ,among orders1 some have no sanction1 while the disregard of others justifies anger and punishment4 ,my father may be ill1 and ,i neglect him2 he may charge me with the management of his house1 and ,i take no notice2 he may tell me to look after his country estate1 and ,i evade the task4 ,in all these and similar cases1 the parental censure will be well deserved4 ,but other things again are for the sons to decide1 as questions of professional skill or policy--especially if the father's interests are not touched4 ,if a painter's father says to him1 ',paint this1 my boy1 and do not paint that'2 or a musician's1 ',strike this note1 and not the other'2 or a bronze-founder's1 ',cast so-and-so'2 would it be tolerable that the son should be disinherited for not taking such advice8 ,of course not4 ,but the medical profession should be left still more to their own discretion than other artists1 in proportion to the greater nobility of their aims and usefulness of their work2 this art should have a special right of choosing its objects2 this sacred occupation1 taught straight from ,heaven1 and pursued by the wisest of men1 should be secured against all compulsion1 enslaved to no law1 intimidated and penalized by no court1 exposed to no votes or paternal threats or uninstructed passions4 ,if ,i had told my father directly and expressly1 ',i will not do it1 ,i refuse the case1 though ,i could treat it1 ,i hold my art at no man's service but my own and yours1 as far as others are concerned ,i am a layman'--if ,i had taken that position1 where is the masterful despot who would have applied force and compelled me to practise against my will8 ,the appropriate inducements are request and entreaty1 not laws and browbeating and tribunals2 the physician is to be persuaded1 not commanded2 he is to choose1 not be terrorized2 he is not to be haled to his patient1 but to come with his consent and at his pleasure4 ,governments are wont to give physicians the public recognition of honours1 precedence1 immunities and privileges2 and shall the art which has ,state immunities not be exempt from the patria fotestas8 ,all this ,i was entitled to say simply as a professional man1 even on the assumption that you had had me taught1 and devoted much care and expense to my training1 that this particular case had been within my competence1 and ,i had yet declined it4 ,but in fact you have to consider also how utterly unreasonable it is that you should not let me use at my own discretion my own acquisition4 ,it was not as your son nor under your authority that ,i acquired this art2 and yet it was for your advantage that ,i acquired it--you were the first to profit by it--1 though you had contributed nothing to my training4 ,will you mention the fees you paid8 ,how much did the stock of my surgery cost you8 ,not one penny4 ,i was a pauper1 ,i knew not where to turn for necessaries1 and ,i owed my instruction to my teachers' charity4 ,the provision my father made for my education was sorrow1 desolation1 distress1 estrangement from my friends and banishment from my family4 ,and do you then claim to have the use of my skill1 the absolute control of what was acquired independently8 ,you should be content with the previous service rendered to yourself1 not under obligation1 but of free will2 for even on that occasion nothing could have been demanded of me on the score of gratitude4 ,my kindness of the past is not to be my duty of the future2 a voluntary favour is not to be turned into an obligation to take unwelcome orders2 the principle is not to be established that he who once cures a man is bound to cure any number of others at his bidding ever after4 ,that would be to appoint the patients we cure our absolute masters2 we should be paying them1 and the fee would be slavish submission to their commands4 ,could anything be more absurd8 ,because you were ill1 and ,i was at such pains to restore you1 does that make you the owner of my art8 ,all this ,i could have said1 if the tasks he imposed upon me had been within my powers1 and ,i had declined to accept all of them1 or1 on compulsion1 any of them4 ,but ,i now wish you to look further into their nature4 ',you cured me of madness 7says he72 my wife is now mad and in the condition ,i was in 7that of course is his idea72 she has been given up as ,i was by the other doctors1 but you have shown that nothing is too hard for you2 very well1 then1 cure her too1 and make an end of her illness4' ,now1 put like that1 it sounds very reasonable1 especially in the ears of a layman innocent of medical knowledge4 ,but if you will listen to what ,i have to say for my art1 you will find that there are things too hard for us1 that all ailments are not alike1 that the same treatment and the same drugs will not always answer2 and then you will understand what a difference there is between refusing and being unable4 ,pray bear with me while ,i generalize a little1 without condemning my disquisition as pedantic1 irrelevant1 or ill-timed4 ,to begin with1 human bodies differ in nature and temperament2 compounded as they admittedly are of the same elements1 they are yet compounded in different proportions4 ,i am not referring at present to sexual differences2 the male body is not the same or alike in different individuals2 it differs in temperament and constitution2 and from this it results that in different men diseases also differ both in character and in intensity2 one man's body has recuperative power and is susceptible to treatment2 another's is utterly crazy1 open to every infection1 and without vigour to resist disease4 ,to suppose1 then1 that all fever1 all consumption1 lung-disease1 or mania1 being generically the same1 will affect every subject in the same way1 is what no sensible1 thoughtful1 or well-informed person would do2 the same disease is easily curable in one man1 and not in another4 ,why1 sow the same wheat in various soils1 and the results will vary4 ,let the soil be level1 deep1 well watered1 well sunned1 well aired1 well ploughed1 and the crop will be rich1 fat1 plentiful4 ,elevated stony ground will make a difference1 no sun another difference1 foothills another1 and so on4 ,just so with disease2 its soil makes it thrive and spread1 or starves it4 ,now all this quite escapes my father2 he makes no inquiries of this sort1 but assumes that all mania in every body is the same1 and to be treated accordingly4 ,besides such differences between males1 it is obvious that the female body differs widely from the male both in the diseases it is subject to and in its capacity or non-capacity of recovery4 ,the bracing effect of toil1 exercise1 and open air gives firmness and tone to the male2 the female is soft and unstrung from its sheltered existence1 and pale with anaemia1 deficient caloric and excess of moisture4 ,it is consequently1 as compared with the male1 open to infection1 exposed to disease1 unequal to vigorous treatment1 and1 in particular1 liable to mania4 ,with their emotional1 mobile1 excitable tendencies on the one hand1 and their defective bodily strength on the other1 women fall an easy prey to this affliction4 ,it is quite unfair1 then1 to expect the physician to cure both sexes indifferently2 we must recognize how far apart they are1 their whole lives1 pursuits1 and habits1 having been distinct from infancy4 ,do not talk of a mad person1 then1 but specify the sex2 do not confound distinctions and force all cases under the supposed identical title of madness2 keep separate what nature separates1 and then examine the respective possibilities4 ,i began this exposition with stating that the first thing we doctors look to is the nature and temperament of our patient's body3 which of the humours predominates in it2 is it full- blooded or the reverse2 at1 or past1 its prime2 big or little2 fat or lean8 ,when a man has satisfied himself upon these and other such points1 his opinion1 favourable or adverse1 upon the prospects of recovery may be implicitly relied upon4 ,it must be remembered too that madness itself has a thousand forms1 numberless causes1 and even some distinct names4 ,delusion1 infatuation1 frenzy1 lunacy--these are not the same2 they all express different degrees of the affection4 ,again1 the causes are not only different in men and women1 but1 in men1 they are different for the old and for the young2 for instance1 in young men some redundant humour is the usual cause2 whereas with the old a shrewdly timed slander1 or very likely a fancied domestic slight1 will get hold of them1 first cloud their understanding1 and finally drive them distracted4 ,as for women1 all sorts of things effect a lodgement and make easy prey of them1 especially bitter dislike1 envy of a prosperous rival1 pain or anger4 ,these feelings smoulder on1 gaining strength with time1 till at last they burst out in madness4 ,such1 sir1 has been your wife's case1 perhaps with the addition of some recent trouble2 for she used to have no strong dislikes1 yet she is now in the grasp of the malady--and that beyond hope of medical relief4 ,for if any physician undertakes and cures the case1 you have my permission to hate me for the wrong ,i have done you4 ,yet ,i must go so far as to say that1 even had the case not been so desperate--had there been a glimmer of hope--even then ,i should not have lightly intervened1 nor been very ready to administer drugs2 ,i should have been afraid of what might happen1 and of the sort of stories that might get about4 ,you know the universal belief that every step-mother1 whatever her general merits1 hates her step-sons2 it is supposed to be a feminine mania from which none of them is exempt4 ,if the disease had taken a wrong turn1 and the medicine failed of its effect1 there would very likely have been suspicions of intentional malpractice4 ,your wife's condition1 sir--and ,i describe it to you after close observation--1 is this3 she will never mend1 though she take ten thousand doses of medicine4 ,it is therefore undesirable to make the experiment1 unless your object is merely to compel me to fail and cover me with disgrace4 ,pray do not enable my professional brethren to triumph over me2 their jealousy is enough4 ,if you disinherit me again1 ,i shall be left desolate1 but ,i shall pray for no evil upon your head4 ,but suppose-- though ,god forbid6--suppose your malady should return2 relapses are common enough in such cases1 under irritation2 what is my course then to be8 ,doubt not1 ,i shall restore you once more2 ,i shall not desert the post which nature assigns to children2 ,i for my part shall not forget my descent4 ,and then if you recover1 must ,i look for another restitution8 ,you understand me8 your present proceedings are calculated to awake your disease and stir it to renewed malignancy4 ,it is but the other day that you emerged from your sad condition1 and you are vehement and loud--worst of all1 you are full of anger1 indulging your hatred and appealing once more to the law4 ,alas1 father1 even such was the prelude to your first madness4 ,,phalaris1 ,i ,we are sent to you1 ,priests of ,delphi1 by ,phalaris our master1 with instructions to present this bull to the ,god1 and to speak the necessary words on behalf of the offering and its donor4 ,such being our errand1 it remains for us to deliver his message1 which is as follows3 ',it is my desire above all things1 men of ,delphi1 to appear to the ,greeks as ,i really am1 and not in that character in which ,envy and ,malice1 availing themselves of the ignorance of their hearers1 have represented me3 and if to the ,greeks in general1 then most of all to you1 who are holy men1 associates of the ,god1 sharers 7,i had almost said7 of his hearth and home4 ,if ,i can clear myself before you1 if ,i can convince you that ,i am not the cruel tyrant ,i am supposed to be1 then ,i may consider myself cleared in the eyes of all the world4 ,for the truth of my statements1 ,i appeal to the testimony of the ,god himself4 ,methinks he is not likely to be deceived by lying words4 ,it may be an easy matter to mislead men3 but to escape the penetration of a ,god--and that ,god ,apollo--is impossible4 ',i was a man of no mean family2 in birth1 in breeding1 in education1 the equal of any man in ,agrigentum4 ,in my political conduct ,i was ever public-spirited1 in my private life mild and unassuming2 no unseemly act1 no deed of violence1 oppression1 or headstrong insolence was ever laid to my charge in those early days4 ,but our city at that time was divided into factions3 ,i saw myself exposed to the plots of my political opponents1 who sought to destroy me by every means3 if ,i would live in security1 if ,i would preserve the city from destruction1 there was but one course open to me--to seize upon the government1 and thereby baffle my opponents1 put an end to their machinations1 and bring my countrymen to their senses4 ,there were not a few who approved my design3 patriots and men of cool judgement1 they understood my sentiments1 and saw that ,i had no alternative4 ,with their help1 ,i succeeded without difficulty in my enterprise4 ',from that moment1 the disturbances ceased4 ,my opponents1 became my subjects1 ,i their ruler2 and the city was freed from dissension4 ,from executions and banishments and confiscations ,i abstained1 even in the case of those who had plotted against my life4 ,such strong measures are indeed never more necessary than at the commencement of a new rule3 but ,i was sanguine2 ,i proposed to treat them as my equals1 and to win their allegiance by clemency1 mildness1 and humanity4 ,my first act was to reconcile myself with my enemies1 most of whom ,i invited to my table and took into my confidence4 ',i found the city in a ruinous condition1 owing to the neglect of the magistrates1 who had commonly been guilty of embezzlement1 if not of wholesale plunder4 ,i repaired the evil by means of aqueducts1 beautified the city with noble buildings1 and surrounded it with walls4 ,the public revenues were easily increased by proper attention on the part of the fiscal authorities4 ,i provided for the education of the young and the maintenance of the old2 and for the general public ,i had games and spectacles1 banquets and doles4 ,as for rape and seduction1 tyrannical violence or intimidation1 ,i abhorred the very name of such things4 ',i now began to think of laying down my power2 and how to do so with safety was my only concern4 ,the cares of government and public business had begun to weigh upon me2 ,i found my position as burdensome as it was invidious4 ,but it was still a question1 how to render the city independent of such assistance for the future4 ,and whilst ,i--honest man6 --was busied with such thoughts1 my enemies were even then combining against me1 and debating the ways and means of rebellion2 conspiracies were forming1 arms and money were being collected1 neighbour states were invited to assist1 embassies were on their way to ,sparta and ,athens4 ,the torments that were in store for me1 had ,i fallen into their hands1 ,i afterwards learnt from their public confession under torture1 from which it appeared that they had vowed to tear me limb from limb with their own hands4 ,for my escape from such a fate1 ,i have to thank the ,gods1 who unmasked the conspiracy2 and1 in particular1 the ,god of ,delphi1 who sent dreams to warn me1 and dispatched messengers with detailed information4 ',and now1 men of ,delphi1 ,i would ask your advice4 ,imagine yourselves to- day in the perilous situation in which ,i then stood2 and tell me what was my proper course4 ,i had almost fallen unawares into the hands of my enemies1 and was casting about for means of safety4 ,leave ,delphi for a while1 and transport yourselves in spirit to ,agrigentum3 behold the preparations of my enemies3 listen to their threats2 and say1 what is your counsel8 ,shall ,i sit quietly on the brink of destruction1 exercising clemency and long-suffering as heretofore8 bare my throat to the sword8 see my nearest and dearest slaughtered before my eyes8 ,what would this be but sheer imbecility8 ,shall ,i not rather bear myself like a man of spirit1 give the rein to my rational indignation1 avenge my injuries upon the conspirators1 and use my present power with a view to my future security8 ,this1 ,i know1 would have been your advice4 ',now observe my procedure4 ,i sent for the guilty persons1 heard their defence1 produced my evidence1 established every point beyond a doubt2 and when they themselves admitted the truth of the accusation1 ,i punished them2 for ,i took it ill1 not that they had plotted against my life1 but that on their account ,i was compelled to abandon my original policy4 ,from that day to this1 ,i have consulted my own safety by punishing conspiracy as often as it has shown itself4 ',and men call me cruel6 ,they do not stop to ask who was the aggressor2 they condemn what they think the cruelty of my vengeance1 but pass lightly over the provocation1 and the nature of the crime4 ,it is as if a man were to see a temple-robber hurled from the rock at ,delphi1 and1 without reflecting how the transgressor had stolen into your temple by night1 torn down the votive-offerings1 and laid hands upon the graven image of the ,god1 were to exclaim against the inhumanity of persons who1 calling themselves ,greeks and holy men1 could yet find it in them to inflict this awful punishment upon their fellow ,greek1 and that within sight of the holy place2--for the rock1 as ,i am told1 is not far from the city4 ,surely you would laugh to scorn such an accusation as this2 and your cruel treatment of the impious would be universally applauded4 ',but so it is3 the public does not inquire into the character of a ruler1 into the justice or injustice of his conduct2 the mere name of tyranny ensures men's hatred2 the tyrant might be an ,aeacus1 a ,minos1 a ,rhadamanthus1--they would be none the less eager for his destruction2 their thoughts ever run on those tyrants who have been bad rulers1 and the good1 because they bear the same name1 are held in the like detestation4 ,i have heard that many of your tyrants in ,greece have been wise men1 who1 labouring under that opprobrious title1 have yet given proofs of benevolence and humanity1 and whose pithy maxims are even now stored up in your temple among the treasures of the ,god4 ',observe1 moreover1 the prominence given to punishment by all constitutional legislators2 they know that when the fear of punishment is wanting1 nothing else is of avail4 ,and this is doubly so with us who are tyrants2 whose power is based upon compulsion2 who live in the midst of enmity and treachery4 ,the bugbear terrors of the law would never serve our turn4 ,rebellion is a many-headed ,hydra3 we cut off one guilty head1 two others grow in its place4 ,yet we must harden our hearts1 smite them off as they grow1 and--like lolaus--sear the wounds2 thus only shall we hold our own4 ,the man who has once become involved in such a strife as this must play the part that he has undertaken2 to show mercy would be fatal4 ,do you suppose that any man was ever so brutal1 so inhuman1 as to rejoice in torture and groans and bloodshed for their own sake1 when there was no occasion for punishment8 ,many is the time that ,i have wept while others suffered beneath the lash1 and groaned in spirit over the hard fate that subjected me to a torment more fierce and more abiding than theirs4 ,for to the man who is benevolent by nature1 and harsh only by compulsion1 it is more painful to inflict punishment than it would be to undergo it4 ',now ,i will speak my mind frankly4 ,if ,i had to choose between punishing innocent men1 and facing death myself1 believe me1 ,i should have no hesitation in accepting the latter alternative4 ,but if ,i am asked1 whether ,i had rather die an undeserved death than give their deserts to those who plotted against my life1 ,i answer no2 and once more1 ,delphians1 ,i appeal to you3 which is better--to die when ,i deserve not death1 or to spare my enemies who deserve not mercy8 ,footnote3 ,apparently the speaker intended to repeat the last pair of alternatives in different words3 instead of which1 he gives us one of those alternatives twice over4 ,lucian's tautologic genius fails him for once4 ,no man surely can be such a fool that he would not rather live than preserve his enemies by his death4 ,yet in spite of this how many have ,i spared who were palpably convicted of conspiring against me2 such were ,acanthus1 ,timocrates1 and his brother ,leogoras1 all of whom ,i saved out of regard for our former intercourse4 ',if you would learn more of me1 apply to any of the strangers who have visited ,agrigentum2 and see what account they give of the treatment they received1 and of my hospitality to all who land on my coasts4 ,my messengers are waiting for them in every port1 to inquire after their names and cities1 that they may not go away without receiving due honour at my hands4 ,some--the wisest of the ,greeks--have come expressly to visit me1 so far are they from avoiding intercourse with me4 ,it was but lately that ,i received a visit from the sage ,pythagoras4 ,the account that he had heard of me was belied by his experience2 and on taking his departure he expressed admiration of my justice1 and deplored the circumstances which made severity a duty4 ,now is it likely that one who is so benevolent to strangers should deal unjustly with his fellow citizens8 is it not to be supposed that the provocation has been unusually great8 ',so much then in defence of my own conduct2 ,i have spoken the words of truth and justice1 and would persuade myself that ,i have merited your approbation rather than your resentment4 ,and now ,i must explain to you the origin of my present offering1 and the manner in which it came into my hands4 ,for it was by no instructions of mine that the statuary made this bull3 far be it from me to aspire to the possession of such works of art6 ,a countryman of my own1 one ,perilaus1 an admirable artist1 but a man of evil disposition1 had so far mistaken my character as to think that he could win my regard by the invention of a new form of torture2 the love of torture1 he thought1 was my ruling passion4 ,he it was who made the bull and brought it to me4 ,i no sooner set eyes on this beautiful and exquisite piece of workmanship1 which lacked only movement and sound to complete the illusion1 than ,i exclaimed3 ,here is an offering fit for the ,god of ,delphi3 to him ,i must send it4 ,and what will you say1 rejoined ,perilaus1 who stood by1 when you see the ingenious mechanism within it1 and learn the purpose it is designed to serve8 ,he opened the back of the animal1 and continued3 ,when you are minded to punish any one1 shut him up in this receptacle1 apply these pipes to the nostrils of the bull1 and order a fire to be kindled beneath4 ,the occupant will shriek and roar in unremitting agony2 and his cries will come to you through the pipes as the tenderest1 most pathetic1 most melodious of bellowings4 ,your victim will be punished1 and you will enjoy the music4 ',his words revolted me4 ,i loathed the thought of such ingenious cruelty1 and resolved to punish the artificer in kind4 ,if this is anything more than an empty boast1 ,perilaus1 ,i said to him1 if your art can really produce this effect1 get inside yourself1 and pretend to roar2 and we will see whether the pipes will make such music as you describe4 ,he consented2 and when he was inside ,i closed the aperture1 and ordered a fire to be kindled4 ,receive1 ,i cried1 the due reward of your wondrous art3 let the music-master be the first to play4 ,thus did his ingenuity meet with its deserts4 ,but lest the offering should be polluted by his death1 ,i caused him to be removed while he was yet alive1 and his body to be flung dishonoured from the cliffs4 ,the bull1 after due purification1 ,i sent as an offering to your ,god1 with an inscription upon it1 setting forth all the circumstances2 the names of the donor and of the artist1 the evil design of the latter1 and the righteous sentence which condemned him to illustrate by his own agonized shrieks the efficacy of his musical device4 ',and now1 men of ,delphi1 you will be doing me no more than justice1 if you join my ambassadors in making sacrifice on my behalf1 and set up the bull in a conspicuous part of the temple2 that all men may know what is my attitude towards evil-doers1 and in what manner ,i chastise their inordinate craving after wickedness4 ,herein is a sufficient indication of my character3 ,perilaus punished1 the bull consecrated1 not reserved for the bellowings of other victims4 ,the first and last melody that issued from those pipes was wrung from their artificer2 that one experiment made1 the harsh1 inhuman notes are silenced for ever4 ,so much for the present offering1 which will be followed by many others1 so soon as the ,god vouchsafes me a respite from my work of chastisement4' ,such was the message of ,phalaris2 and his statement is in strict accordance with the facts4 ,you may safely accept our testimony1 as we are acquainted with the circumstances1 and can have no object in deceiving you on the present occasion4 ,must entreaty be added8 ,then on behalf of one whose character has been misrepresented1 and whose severities were forced upon him against his will1 we implore you1--we who are ,agrigentines1 ,greeks like yourselves and of ,dorian origin--to accept his offer of friendship1 and not to thwart his benevolent intentions towards your community and the individuals of which it is composed4 ,take the bull into your keeping2 consecrate it2 and offer up your prayers on behalf of ,agrigentum and of ,phalaris4 ,suffer us not to have come hither in vain3 repulse not our master with scorn3 nor deprive the ,god of an offering whose intrinsic beauty is only equalled by its righteous associations4 ,,phalaris1 ,,ii ,men of ,delphi3 ,i stand in no public relation to the city of ,agrigentum1 in no private relation to its ruler2 ,i am bound to him neither by gratitude for past favours1 nor by the prospect of future friendship3 but ,i have heard the just and temperate plea advanced by his emissaries1 and ,i rise to advocate the claims of religion1 the interests of our community1 the duties of the priesthood2 ,i charge you1 thwart not the pious intention of a mighty prince1 nor deprive the ,god of an offering which in the intention of the donor is already his1 and which is destined to serve as an eternal threefold record1--of the sculptor's art1 of inventive cruelty1 and of righteous retribution4 ,to me it seems that only to have raised this question1 only to have halted between acceptance and rejection1 is in itself an offence against ,heaven2 nay1 a glaring impiety4 ,for what is this but a sacrilege more heinous than that of the temple-robber1 who does but plunder those sacred things to which you would even deny consecration8 ,i implore you1--your fellow priest1 your partner in good report 7if so it may be71 or in evil 7should that now befall us71 implores you3 close not the temple-doors upon the devout worshipper2 suffer us not to be known to the world as men who examine jealously into the offerings that are brought1 and subject the donor to the narrow scrutiny of a court1 and to the hazard of a vote4 ,for who would not be deterred at the thought that the ,god accepts no offering without the previous sanction of his priests8 ,already ,apollo has declared his true opinion4 ,had he hated ,phalaris1 or scorned his gift1 it had been easy for him to sink the gift and the ship that bore it in mid-ocean2 instead1 we learn that he vouchsafed them a calm passage and a safe arrival at ,cirrha4 ,clearly the monarch's piety is acceptable in his sight4 ,it behoves you to confirm his decision1 and to add this bull to the glories of the temple4 ,strange indeed1 if the sender of so magnificent a gift is to meet with rejection at the temple-door1 and his piety to be rewarded with the judgement that his offering is unclean4 ,my opponent tells a harrowing tale of butchery and violence1 of plunder and abduction2 it is much that he does not call himself an eyewitness thereof2 we might suppose that he was but newly arrived from ,agrigentum1 did we not know that his travels have never carried him on board ship4 ,in matters of this kind1 it is not advisable to place much reliance even on the assertions of the supposed victims2 there is no knowing how far they are speaking the truth2--as to bringing allegations ourselves1 when we know nothing of the facts1 that is out of the question4 ,granting even that something of the kind did happen1 it happened in ,sicily3 we are at ,delphi2 we are not called upon to interfere4 ,do we propose to abandon the temple for the law-court8 ,are we1 whose office it is to sacrifice1 and minister to the ,god1 and receive his offerings1--are we to sit here debating whether certain cities on the other side of the ,ionian sea are well or ill governed8 ,let other men's affairs be as they may1 it is our business1 as ,i take it1 to know our own3 our past history1 our present situation1 our best interests4 ,we need not wait for ,homer to inform us that we inhabit a land of crags1 and are tillers of a rocky soil2 our eyes tell us that2 if we depended on our soil1 we must go hungry all our days4 ,apollo2 his temple2 his oracle2 his worshippers2 his sacrifices2--these are the fields of the ,delphians1 these their revenues1 their wealth1 their maintenance4 ,i can speak the truth here4 ,it is as the poets say3 we sow not1 we plough not1 yet all things grow for our use2 for a ,god is our husbandman1 and gives us not the good things of ,greece only2 all that ,phrygia1 all that ,lydia1 all that ,persia1 ,assyria1 ,phoenicia1 ,italy1 and the far ,north can yield1--all comes to ,delphi4 ,we live in prosperity and plenty2 in the esteem of mankind we are second to none but the ,god himself4 ,so it was in the beginning3 so it is now3 and so may it ever be6 ,but who has ever heard before of our putting an offering to the vote1 or hindering men from paying sacrifice8 ,no one2 and herein1 as ,i maintain1 is the secret of our temple's greatness1 and of the abundant wealth of its offerings4 ,then let us have no innovations now1 no new-fangled institutions1 no inquiries into the origin and nature and nationality and pedigree of a gift2 let us take what is brought to us1 and set it in the store-chamber without more ado4 ,in this way we shall best serve both the ,god and his worshippers4 ,i think it would be well if1 before you deliberate further on the question before you1 you would consider how great and how various are the issues involved4 ,there is the ,god1 his temple1 his sacrifices and offerings1 the ancient customs and ordinances1 the reputation of the oracle2 again1 our city as a whole1 our common interests1 and those of every individual ,delphian among us2 lastly--and ,i know not what consideration could seem of more vital importance to a well-judging mind--1 our own credit or discredit with the world at large4 ,i say1 then1 we have to deal not with ,phalaris1 not with a single tyrant1 not with this bull1 not with so much weight of bronze1--but with every king and prince who frequents our temple at this day2 with gold and silver and all the precious offerings that should pour in upon the ,god2 that ,god whose interests claim our first attention4 ,say1 why should we change the old-established usage in regard to offerings8 ,what fault have we to find with the ancient custom1 that we should propose innovations8 ,never yet1 from the day when ,delphi was first inhabited1 and ,apollo prophesied1 and the tripod gave utterance1 and the priestess was inspired1 never yet have the bringers of gifts been subjected to scrutiny4 ,and shall they now8 ,consider how the ancient custom1 which granted free access to all men1 has filled the temple with treasures2 how all men have brought their offerings1 and how some have impoverished themselves to enrich the ,god4 ,my mind misgives me that1 when you have assumed the censorship of offerings1 you will lack employment3 men may refuse to submit themselves to your court2 they may think it is enough to spend their money1 without having to undergo the risk of a rejection for their pains4 ,would life be worth living1 to the man who should be judged unworthy to offer sacrifice8 ,,alexander ,,the ,,oracle-,,monger ,you1 my dear ,celsus1 possibly suppose yourself to be laying upon me quite a trifling task3 ,write me down in a book and send me the life and adventures1 the tricks and frauds1 of the impostor ,alexander of ,abonutichus4 ,in fact1 however1 it would take as long to do this in full detail as to reduce to writing the achievements of ,alexander of ,macedon2 the one is among villains what the other is among heroes4 ,nevertheless1 if you will promise to read with indulgence1 and fill up the gaps in my tale from your imagination1 ,i will essay the task4 ,i may not cleanse that ,augean stable completely1 but ,i will do my best1 and fetch you out a few loads as samples of the unspeakable filth that three thousand oxen could produce in many years4 ,i confess to being a little ashamed both on your account and my own4 ,there are you asking that the memory of an arch-scoundrel should be perpetuated in writing2 here am ,i going seriously into an investigation of this sort--the doings of a person whose deserts entitled him not to be read about by the cultivated1 but to be torn to pieces in the amphitheatre by apes or foxes1 with a vast audience looking on4 ,well1 well1 if any one does cast reflections of that sort upon us1 we shall at least have a precedent to plead4 ,arrian himself1 disciple of ,epictetus1 distinguished ,roman1 and product of lifelong culture as he was1 had just our experience1 and shall make our defence4 ,he condescended1 that is1 to put on record the life of the robber ,tilliborus4 ,the robber we propose to immortalize was of a far more pestilent kind1 following his profession not in the forests and mountains1 but in cities2 he was not content to overrun a ,mysia or an ,ida2 his booty came not from a few scantily populated districts of ,asia2 one may say that the scene of his depredations was the whole ,roman ,empire4 ,i will begin with a picture of the man himself1 as lifelike 7though ,i am not great at description7 as ,i can make it with nothing better than words4 ,in person--not to forget that part of him--he was a fine handsome man with a real touch of divinity about him1 white-skinned1 moderately bearded2 he wore besides his own hair artificial additions which matched it so cunningly that they were not generally detected4 ,his eyes were piercing1 and suggested inspiration1 his voice at once sweet and sonorous4 ,in fact there was no fault to be found with him in these respects4 ,so much for externals4 ,as for his mind and spirit--well1 if all the kind ,gods who avert disaster will grant a prayer1 it shall be that they bring me not within reach of such a one as he2 sooner will ,i face my bitterest enemies1 my country's foes4 ,in understanding1 resource1 acuteness1 he was far above other men2 curiosity1 receptiveness1 memory1 scientific ability--all these were his in overflowing measure4 ,but he used them for the worst purposes4 ,endowed with all these instruments of good1 he very soon reached a proud pre-eminence among all who have been famous for evil2 the ,cercopes1 ,eurybatus1 ,phrynondas1 ,aristodemus1 ,sostratus--all thrown into the shade4 ,in a letter to his father-in-law ,rutilianus1 which puts his own pretensions in a truly modest light1 he compares himself to ,pythagoras4 ,well1 ,i should not like to offend the wise1 the divine ,pythagoras2 but if he had been ,alexander's contemporary1 ,i am quite sure he would have been a mere child to him4 ,now by all that is admirable1 do not take that for an insult to ,pythagoras1 nor suppose ,i would draw a parallel between their achievements4 ,what ,i mean is3 if any one would make a collection of all the vilest and most damaging slanders ever vented against ,pythagoras--things whose truth ,i would not accept for a moment--1 the sum of them would not come within measurable distance of ,alexander's cleverness4 ,you are to set your imagination to work and conceive a temperament curiously compounded of falsehood1 trickery1 perjury1 cunning2 it is versatile1 audacious1 adventurous1 yet dogged in execution2 it is plausible enough to inspire confidence2 it can assume the mask of virtue1 and seem to eschew what it most desires4 ,i suppose no one ever left him after a first interview without the impression that this was the best and kindest of men1 ay1 and the simplest and most unsophisticated4 ,add to all this a certain greatness in his objects2 he never made a small plan2 his ideas were always large4 ,while in the bloom of his youthful beauty1 which we may assume to have been great both from its later remains and from the report of those who saw it1 he traded quite shamelessly upon it4 ,among his other patrons was one of the charlatans who deal in magic and mystic incantations2 they will smooth your course of love1 confound your enemies1 find you treasure1 or secure you an inheritance4 ,this person was struck with the lad's natural qualifications for apprenticeship to his trade1 and finding him as much attracted by rascality as attractive in appearance1 gave him a regular training as accomplice1 satellite1 and attendant4 ,his own ostensible profession was medicine1 and his knowledge included1 like that of ,thoon the ,egyptian's wife1 ,many a virtuous herb1 and many a bane2 to all which inheritance our friend succeeded4 ,this teacher and lover of his was a native of ,tyana1 an associate of the great ,apollonius1 and acquainted with all his heroics4 ,and now you know the atmosphere in which ,alexander lived4 ,by the time his beard had come1 the ,tyanean was dead1 and he found himself in straits2 for the personal attractions which might once have been a resource were diminished4 ,he now formed great designs1 which he imparted to a ,byzantine chronicler of the strolling competitive order1 a man of still worse character than himself1 called1 ,i believe1 ,cocconas4 ,the pair went about living on occult pretensions1 shearing 'fat-heads1' as they describe ordinary people in the native ,magian lingo4 ,among these they got hold of a rich ,macedonian woman2 her youth was past1 but not her desire for admiration2 they got sufficient supplies out of her1 and accompanied her from ,bithynia to ,macedonia4 ,she came from ,pella1 which had been a flourishing place under the ,macedonian kingdom1 but has now a poor and much reduced population4 ,there is here a breed of large serpents1 so tame and gentle that women make pets of them1 children take them to bed1 they will let you tread on them1 have no objection to being squeezed1 and will draw milk from the breast like infants4 ,to these facts is probably to be referred the common story about ,olympias when she was with child of ,alexander2 it was doubtless one of these that was her bed-fellow4 ,well1 the two saw these creatures1 and bought the finest they could get for a few pence4 ,and from this point1 as ,thucydides might say1 the war takes its beginning4 ,these ambitious scoundrels were quite devoid of scruples1 and they had now joined forces2 it could not escape their penetration that human life is under the absolute dominion of two mighty principles1 fear and hope1 and that any one who can make these serve his ends may be sure of a rapid fortune4 ,they realized that1 whether a man is most swayed by the one or by the other1 what he must most depend upon and desire is a knowledge of futurity4 ,so were to be explained the ancient wealth and fame of ,delphi1 ,delos1 ,clarus1 ,branchidae2 it was at the bidding of the two tyrants aforesaid that men thronged the temples1 longed for fore- knowledge1 and to attain it sacrificed their hecatombs or dedicated their golden ingots4 ,all this they turned over and debated1 and it issued in the resolve to establish an oracle4 ,if it were successful1 they looked for immediate wealth and prosperity2 the result surpassed their most sanguine expectations4 ,the next things to be settled were1 first the theatre of operations1 and secondly the plan of campaign4 ,cocconas favoured ,chalcedon1 as a mercantile centre convenient both for ,thrace and ,bithynia1 and accessible enough for the province of ,asia1 ,galatia1 and tribes still further east4 ,alexander1 on the other hand1 preferred his native place1 urging very truly that an enterprise like theirs required congenial soil to give it a start1 in the shape of 'fat-heads' and simpletons2 that was a fair description1 he said1 of the ,paphlagonians beyond ,abonutichus2 they were mostly superstitious and well-to-do2 one had only to go there with some one to play the flute1 the tambourine1 or the cymbals1 set the proverbial mantic sieve ,footnote3 ,i have no information on ,coscinomancy or sieve- divination4 ',this kind of divination was generally practised to discover thieves 444 ,they tied a thread to the sieve1 by which it was upheld1 then prayed to the ,gods to direct and assist them4 ,after which they repeated the names of the person suspected1 and he at whose name the sieve whirled round or moved was thought to have committed the fact' ,francklin's ,lucian4 a-spinning1 and there they would all be gaping as if he were a ,god from heaven4 ,this difference of opinion did not last long1 and ,alexander prevailed4 ,discovering1 however1 that a use might after all be made of ,chalcedon1 they went there first1 and in the temple of ,apollo1 the oldest in the place1 they buried some brazen tablets1 on which was the statement that very shortly ,asclepius1 with his father ,apollo1 would pay a visit to ,pontus1 and take up his abode at ,abonutichus4 ,the discovery of the tablets took place as arranged1 and the news flew through ,bithynia and ,pontus1 first of all1 naturally1 to ,abonutichus4 ,the people of that place at once resolved to raise a temple1 and lost no time in digging the foundations4 ,cocconas was now left at ,chalcedon1 engaged in composing certain ambiguous crabbed oracles4 ,he shortly afterwards died1 ,i believe1 of a viper's bite4 ,alexander meanwhile went on in advance2 he had now grown his hair and wore it in long curls2 his doublet was white and purple striped1 his cloak pure white2 he carried a scimetar in imitation of ,perseus1 from whom he now claimed descent through his mother4 ,the wretched ,paphlagonians1 who knew perfectly well that his parentage was obscure and mean on both sides1 nevertheless gave credence to the oracle1 which ran3 ,lo1 sprung from ,perseus1 and to ,phoebus dear1 ,high ,alexander1 ,podalirius' son6 ,podalirius1 it seems1 was of so highly amorous a complexion that the distance between ,tricca and ,paphlagonia was no bar to his union with ,alexander's mother4 ,a ,sibylline prophecy had also been found3 ,hard by ,sinope on the ,euxine shore ,th' ,italic age a fortress prophet sees4 ,to the first monad let thrice ten be added1 ,five monads yet1 and then a triple score3 ,such the quaternion of th' alexic name4 ,footnote3 ,in #a4 #b of the oracle1 the ,italic age is the ,roman ,empire2 the fortress prophet is one who belongs to a place ending in--tichus 7fort74 #aa #c-e mean3 ,take #a1 #cj1 #e1 #fj 7the ,greek symbols for which are the letters of the alphabet ,a1 ,l1 ,e1 ,x71 and you will have four letters of the name of your coming protector 7alexic74 ,this heroic entry into his long-left home placed ,alexander conspicuously before the public2 he affected madness1 and frequently foamed at the mouth--a manifestation easily produced by chewing the herb soap-wort1 used by dyers2 but it brought him reverence and awe4 ,the two had long ago manufactured and fitted up a serpent's head of linen2 they had given it a more or less human expression1 and painted it very like the real article2 by a contrivance of horsehair1 the mouth could be opened and shut1 and a forked black serpent tongue protruded1 working on the same system4 ,the serpent from ,pella was also kept ready in the house1 to be produced at the right moment and take its part in the drama--the leading part1 indeed4 ,in the fullness of time1 his plan took shape4 ,he went one night to the temple foundations1 still in process of digging1 and with standing water in them which had collected from the rainfall or otherwise2 here he deposited a goose egg1 into which1 after blowing it1 he had inserted some new-born reptile4 ,he made a resting-place deep down in the mud for this1 and departed4 ,early next morning he rushed into the market-place1 naked except for a gold-spangled loin-cloth2 with nothing but this and his scimetar1 and shaking his long loose hair1 like the fanatics who collect money in the name of ,cybele1 he climbed on to a lofty altar and delivered a harangue1 felicitating the city upon the advent of the ,god now to bless them with his presence4 ,in a few minutes nearly the whole population was on the spot1 women1 old men1 and children included2 all was awe1 prayer1 and adoration4 ,he uttered some unintelligible sounds1 which might have been ,hebrew or ,phoenician1 but completed his victory over his audience1 who could make nothing of what he said1 beyond the constant repetition of the names ,apollo and ,asclepius4 ,he then set off at a run for the future temple4 ,arrived at the excavation and the already completed sacred fount1 he got down into the water1 chanted in a loud voice hymns to ,asclepius and ,apollo1 and invited the ,god to come1 a welcome guest1 to the city4 ,he next demanded a bowl1 and when this was handed to him1 had no difficulty in putting it down at the right place and scooping up1 besides water and mud1 the egg in which the ,god had been enclosed2 the edges of the aperture had been joined with wax and white lead4 ,he took the egg in his hand and announced that here he held ,asclepius4 ,the people1 who had been sufficiently astonished by the discovery of the egg in the water1 were now all eyes for what was to come4 ,he broke it1 and received in his hollowed palm the hardly developed reptile2 the crowd could see it stirring and winding about his fingers2 they raised a shout1 hailed the ,god1 blessed the city1 and every mouth was full of prayers--for treasure and wealth and health and all the other good things that he might give4 ,our hero now departed homewards1 still running1 with the new-born ,asclepius in his hands--the twice-born1 too1 whereas ordinary men can be born but once1 and born moreover not of ,coronis ,footnote3 ,coronis was the mother of ,asclepius2 'corone' is ,greek for a crow4 nor even of her namesake the crow1 but of a goose6 ,after him streamed the whole people1 in all the madness of fanatic hopes4 ,he now kept the house for some days1 in hopes that the ,paphlagonians would soon be drawn in crowds by the news4 ,he was not disappointed2 the city was filled to overflowing with persons who had neither brains nor individuality1 who bore no resemblance to men that live by bread1 and had only their outward shape to distinguish them from sheep4 ,in a small room he took his seat1 very imposingly attired1 upon a couch4 ,he took into his bosom our ,asclepius of ,pella 7a very fine and large one1 as ,i observed71 wound its body round his neck1 and let its tail hang down2 there was enough of this not only to fill his lap1 but to trail on the ground also2 the patient creature's head he kept hidden in his armpit1 showing the linen head on one side of his beard exactly as if it belonged to the visible body4 ,picture to yourself a little chamber into which no very brilliant light was admitted1 with a crowd of people from all quarters1 excited1 carefully worked up1 all a-flutter with expectation4 ,as they came in1 they might naturally find a miracle in the development of that little crawling thing of a few days ago into this great1 tame1 human-looking serpent4 ,then they had to get on at once towards the exit1 being pressed forward by the new arrivals before they could have a good look4 ,an exit had been specially made just opposite the entrance1 for all the world like the ,macedonian device at ,babylon when ,alexander was ill2 he was in extremis1 you remember1 and the crowd round the palace were eager to take their last look and give their last greeting4 ,our scoundrel's exhibition1 though1 is said to have been given not once1 but many times1 especially for the benefit of any wealthy new-comers4 ,and at this point1 my dear ,celsus1 we may1 if we will be candid1 make some allowance for these ,paphlagonians and ,pontics2 the poor uneducated 'fat-heads' might well be taken in when they handled the serpent--a privilege conceded to all who choose--and saw in that dim light its head with the mouth that opened and shut4 ,it was an occasion for a ,democritus1 nay1 for an ,epicurus or a ,metrodorus1 perhaps1 a man whose intelligence was steeled against such assaults by scepticism and insight1 one who1 if he could not detect the precise imposture1 would at any rate have been perfectly certain that1 though this escaped him1 the whole thing was a lie and an impossibility4 ,by degrees ,bithynia1 ,galatia1 ,thrace1 came flocking in1 every one who had been present doubtless reporting that he had beheld the birth of the ,god1 and had touched him after his marvellous development in size and in expression4 ,next came pictures and models1 bronze or silver images1 and the ,god acquired a name4 ,by divine command1 metrically expressed1 he was to be known as ,glycon4 ,for ,alexander had delivered the line3 ,glycon my name1 man's light1 son's son to ,zeus4 ,and now at last the object to which all this had led up1 the giving of oracular answers to all applicants1 could be attained4 ,the cue was taken from ,amphilochus in ,cilicia4 ,after the death and disappearance at ,thebes of his father ,amphiaraus1 ,amphilochus1 driven from his home1 made his way to ,cilicia1 and there did not at all badly by prophesying to the ,cilicians at the rate of threepence an oracle4 ,after this precedent1 ,alexander proclaimed that on a stated day the ,god would give answers to all comers4 ,each person was to write down his wish and the object of his curiosity1 fasten the packet with thread1 and seal it with wax1 clay1 or other such substance4 ,he would receive these1 and enter the holy place 7by this time the temple was complete1 and the scene all ready71 whither the givers should be summoned in order by a herald and an acolyte2 he would learn the ,god's mind upon each1 and return the packets with their seals intact and the answers attached1 the ,god being ready to give a definite answer to any question that might be put4 ,the trick here was one which would be seen through easily enough by a person of your intelligence 7or1 if ,i may say so without violating modesty1 of my own71 but which to the ordinary imbecile would have the persuasiveness of what is marvellous and incredible4 ,he contrived various methods of undoing the seals1 read the questions1 answered them as seemed good1 and then folded1 sealed1 and returned them1 to the great astonishment of the recipients4 ,and then it was1 ',how could he possibly know what ,i gave him carefully secured under a seal that defies imitation1 unless he were a true ,god1 with a ,god's omniscience8' ,perhaps you will ask what these contrivances were2 well1 then--the information may be useful another time4 ,one of them was this4 ,he would heat a needle1 melt with it the under part of the wax1 lift the seal off1 and after reading warm the wax once more with the needle--both that below the thread and that which formed the actual seal--and re-unite the two without difficulty4 ,another method employed the substance called collyrium2 this is a preparation of ,bruttian pitch1 bitumen1 pounded glass1 wax1 and mastich4 ,he kneaded the whole into collyrium1 heated it1 placed it on the seal1 previously moistened with his tongue1 and so took a mould4 ,this soon hardened2 he simply opened1 read1 replaced the wax1 and reproduced an excellent imitation of the original seal as from an engraved stone4 ,one more ,i will give you4 ,adding some gypsum to the glue used in book-binding he produced a sort of wax1 which was applied still wet to the seal1 and on being taken off solidified at once and provided a matrix harder than horn1 or even iron4 ,there are plenty of other devices for the purpose1 to rehearse which would seem like airing one's knowledge4 ,moreover1 in your excellent pamphlets against the magians 7most useful and instructive reading they are7 you have yourself collected enough of them--many more than those ,i have mentioned4 ,so oracles and divine utterances were the order of the day1 and much shrewdness he displayed1 eking out mechanical ingenuity with obscurity1 his answers to some being crabbed and ambiguous1 and to others absolutely unintelligible4 ,he did however distribute warning and encouragement according to his lights1 and recommend treatments and diets2 for he had1 as ,i originally stated1 a wide and serviceable acquaintance with drugs2 he was particularly given to prescribing 'cytmides1' which were a salve prepared from goat's fat1 the name being of his own invention4 ,for the realization of ambitions1 advancement1 or successions1 he took care never to assign early dates2 the formula was1 ',all this shall come to pass when it is my will1 and when my prophet ,alexander shall make prayer and entreaty on your behalf4' ,there was a fixed charge of a shilling the oracle4 ,and1 my friend1 do not suppose that this would not come to much2 he made something like ,l#c1jjj per annum2 people were insatiable--would take from ten to fifteen oracles at a time4 ,what he got he did not keep to himself1 nor put it by for the future2 what with accomplices1 attendants1 inquiry agents1 oracle writers and keepers1 amanuenses1 seal-forgers1 and interpreters1 he had now a host of claimants to satisfy4 ,he had begun sending emissaries abroad to make the shrine known in foreign lands2 his prophecies1 discovery of runaways1 conviction of thieves and robbers1 revelations of hidden treasure1 cures of the sick1 restoration of the dead to life--all these were to be advertised4 ,this brought them running and crowding from all points of the compass2 victims bled1 gifts were presented1 and the prophet and disciple came off better than the ,god2 for had not the oracle spoken8-- ,give what ye give to my attendant priest2 ,my care is not for gifts1 but for my priest4 ,a time came when a number of sensible people began to shake off their intoxication and combine against him1 chief among them the numerous ,epicureans2 in the cities1 the imposture with all its theatrical accessories began to be seen through4 ,it was now that he resorted to a measure of intimidation2 he proclaimed that ,pontus was overrun with atheists and ,christians1 who presumed to spread the most scandalous reports concerning him2 he exhorted ,pontus1 as it valued the ,god's favour1 to stone these men4 ,touching ,epicurus1 he gave the following response4 ,an inquirer had asked how ,epicurus fared in ,hades1 and was told3 ,of slime is his bed1 ,and his fetters of lead4 ,the prosperity of the oracle is perhaps not so wonderful1 when one learns what sensible1 intelligent questions were in fashion with its votaries4 ,well1 it was war to the knife between him and ,epicurus1 and no wonder4 ,what fitter enemy for a charlatan who patronized miracles and hated truth1 than the thinker who had grasped the nature of things and was in solitary possession of that truth8 ,as for the ,platonists1 ,stoics1 ,pythagoreans1 they were his good friends2 he had no quarrel with them4 ,but the unmitigated ,epicurus1 as he used to call him1 could not but be hateful to him1 treating all such pretensions as absurd and puerile4 ,alexander consequently loathed ,amastris beyond all the cities of ,pontus1 knowing what a number of ,lepidus's friends and others like-minded it contained4 ,he would not give oracles to ,amastrians2 when he once did1 to a senator's brother1 he made himself ridiculous1 neither hitting upon a presentable oracle for himself1 nor finding a deputy equal to the occasion4 ,the man had complained of colic1 and what he meant to prescribe was pig's foot dressed with mallow4 ,the shape it took was3 ,in basin hallowed ,be pigments mallowed4 ,i have mentioned that the serpent was often exhibited by request2 he was not completely visible1 but the tail and body were exposed1 while the head was concealed under the prophet's dress4 ,by way of impressing the people still more1 he announced that he would induce the ,god to speak1 and give his responses without an intermediary4 ,his simple device to this end was a tube of cranes' windpipes1 which he passed1 with due regard to its matching1 through the artificial head1 and1 having an assistant speaking into the end outside1 whose voice issued through the linen ,asclepius1 thus answered questions4 ,these oracles were called autophones1 and were not vouchsafed casually to any one1 but reserved for officials1 the rich1 and the lavish4 ,it was an autophone which was given to ,severian regarding the invasion of ,armenia4 ,he encouraged him with these lines3 ,armenia1 ,parthia1 cowed by thy fierce spear1 ,to ,rome1 and ,tiber's shining waves1 thou com'st1 ,thy brow with leaves and radiant gold encircled4 ,then when the foolish ,gaul took his advice and invaded1 to the total destruction of himself and his army by ,othryades1 the adviser expunged that oracle from his archives and substituted the following3 ,vex not th' ,armenian land2 it shall not thrive2 ,one in soft raiment clad shall from his bow ,launch death1 and cut thee off from life and light4 ,for it was one of his happy thoughts to issue prophecies after the event as antidotes to those premature utterances which had not gone right4 ,frequently he promised recovery to a sick man before his death1 and after it was at no loss for second thoughts3 ,no longer seek to arrest thy fell disease2 ,thy fate is manifest1 inevitable4 ,knowing the fame of ,clarus1 ,didymus1 and ,mallus for sooth-saying much like his own1 he struck up an alliance with them1 sending on many of his clients to those places4 ,so ,hie thee to ,clarus now1 and hear my sire4 ,and again1 ,draw near to ,branchidae and counsel take4 ,or ,seek ,mallus2 be ,amphilochus thy counsellor4 ,so things went within the borders of ,ionia1 ,cilicia1 ,paphlagonia1 and ,galatia4 ,when the fame of the oracle travelled to ,italy and entered ,rome1 the only question was1 who should be first2 those who did not come in person sent messages1 the powerful and respected being the keenest of all4 ,first and foremost among these was ,rutilianus2 he was in most respects an excellent person1 and had filled many high offices in ,rome2 but he suffered from religious mania1 holding the most extraordinary beliefs on that matter2 show him a bit of stone smeared with unguents or crowned with flowers1 and he would incontinently fall down and worship1 and linger about it praying and asking for blessings4 ,the reports about our oracle nearly induced him to throw up the appointment he then held1 and fly to ,abonutichus2 he actually did send messenger upon messenger4 ,his envoys were ignorant servants1 easily taken in4 ,they came back having really seen certain things1 relating others which they probably thought they had seen and heard1 and yet others which they deliberately invented to curry favour with their master4 ,so they inflamed the poor old man and drove him into confirmed madness4 ,he had a wide circle of influential friends1 to whom he communicated the news brought by his successive messengers1 not without additional touches of his own4 ,all ,rome was full of his tales2 there was quite a commotion1 the gentlemen of the ,court being much fluttered1 and at once taking measures to learn something of their own fate4 ,the prophet gave all who came a hearty welcome1 gained their goodwill by hospitality and costly gifts1 and sent them off ready not merely to report his answers1 but to sing the praises of the ,god and invent miraculous tales of the shrine and its guardian4 ,this triple rogue now hit upon an idea which would have been too clever for the ordinary robber4 ,opening and reading the packets which reached him1 whenever he came upon an equivocal1 compromising question1 he omitted to return the packet2 the sender was to be under his thumb1 bound to his service by the terrifying recollection of the question he had written down4 ,you know the sort of things that wealthy and powerful personages would be likely to ask4 ,this blackmail brought him in a good income4 ,i should like to quote you one or two of the answers given to ,rutilianus4 ,he had a son by a former wife1 just old enough for advanced teaching4 ,the father asked who should be his tutor1 and was told1 ,pythagoras1 and the mighty battle-bard4 ,when the child died a few days after1 the prophet was abashed1 and quite unable to account for this summary confutation4 ,however1 dear good ,rutilianus very soon restored the oracle's credit by discovering that this was the very thing the ,god had foreshown2 he had not directed him to choose a living teacher2 ,pythagoras and ,homer were long dead1 and doubtless the boy was now enjoying their instructions in ,hades4 ,small blame to ,alexander if he had a taste for dealings with such specimens of humanity as this4 ,another of ,rutilianus's questions was1 ,whose soul he had succeeded to1 and the answer3 ,first thou wast ,peleus' son1 and next ,menander2 ,then thine own self2 next1 a sunbeam shalt be2 ,and nine score annual rounds thy life shall measure4 ,at seventy1 he died of melancholy1 not waiting for the ,god to pay in full4 ,that was an autophone too4 ,another time ,rutilianus consulted the oracle on the choice of a wife4 ,the answer was express3 ,wed ,alexander's daughter and ,selene's4 ,he had long ago spread the report that the daughter he had had was by ,selene3 she had once seen him asleep1 and fallen in love1 as is her way with handsome sleepers4 ,the sensible ,rutilianus lost no time1 but sent for the maiden at once1 celebrated the nuptials1 a sexagenarian bridegroom1 and lived with her1 propitiating his divine mother-in-law with whole hecatombs1 and reckoning himself now one of the heavenly company4 ,his finger once in the ,italian pie1 ,alexander devoted himself to getting further4 ,sacred envoys were sent all over the ,roman ,empire1 warning the various cities to be on their guard against pestilence and conflagrations1 with the prophet's offers of security against them4 ,one oracle in particular1 an autophone again1 he distributed broadcast at a time of pestilence4 ,it was a single line3 ,phoebus long-tressed the plague-cloud shall dispel4 ,this was everywhere to be seen written up on doors as a prophylactic4 ,its effect was generally disappointing2 for it somehow happened that the protected houses were just the ones to be desolated4 ,not that ,i would suggest for a moment that the line was their destruction2 but1 accidentally no doubt1 it did so fall out4 ,possibly common people put too much confidence in the verse1 and lived carelessly without troubling to help the oracle against its foe2 were there not the words fighting their battle1 and long-tressed ,phoebus discharging his arrows at the pestilence8 ,in ,rome itself he established an intelligence bureau well manned with his accomplices4 ,they sent him people's characters1 forecasts of their questions1 and hints of their ambitions1 so that he had his answers ready before the messengers reached him4 ,it was with his eye on this ,italian propaganda1 too1 that he took a further step4 ,this was the institution of mysteries1 with hierophants and torch-bearers complete4 ,the ceremonies occupied three successive days4 ,on the first1 proclamation was made on the ,athenian model to this effect3 ',if there be any atheist or ,christian or ,epicurean here spying upon our rites1 let him depart in haste2 and let all such as have faith in the ,god be initiated and all blessing attend them4' ,he led the litany with1 ',christians1 avaunt6' and the crowd responded1 ',epicureans1 avaunt6' ,then was presented the child-bed of ,leto and birth of ,apollo1 the bridal of ,coronis1 ,asclepius born4 ,the second day1 the epiphany and nativity of the ,god ,glycon4 ,on the third came the wedding of ,podalirius and ,alexander's mother2 this was called ,torch-day1 and torches were used4 ,the finale was the loves of ,selene and ,alexander1 and the birth of ,rutilianus's wife4 ,the torch- bearer and hierophant was ,endymion-,alexander4 ,he was discovered lying asleep2 to him from heaven1 represented by the ceiling1 enter as ,selene one ,rutilia1 a great beauty1 and wife of one of the ,imperial procurators4 ,she and ,alexander were lovers off the stage too1 and the wretched husband had to look on at their public kissing and embracing2 if there had not been a good supply of torches1 things might possibly have gone even further4 ,shortly after1 he reappeared amidst a profound hush1 attired as hierophant2 in a loud voice he called1 ',hail1 ,glycon6'1 whereto the ,eumolpidae and ,ceryces of ,paphlagonia1 with their clod-hopping shoes and their garlic breath1 made sonorous response1 ',hail1 ,alexander6' ,the torch ceremony with its ritual skippings often enabled him to bestow a glimpse of his thigh1 which was thus discovered to be of gold2 it was presumably enveloped in cloth of gold1 which glittered in the lamp-light4 ,this gave rise to a debate between two wiseacres1 whether the golden thigh meant that he had inherited ,pythagoras's soul1 or merely that their two souls were alike2 the question was referred to ,alexander himself1 and ,king ,glycon relieved their perplexity with an oracle3 ,waxes and wanes ,pythagoras' soul3 the seer's ,is from the mind of ,zeus an emanation4 ,his ,father sent him1 virtuous men to aid1 ,and with his bolt one day shall call him home4 ,i will now give you a conversation between ,glycon and one ,sacerdos of ,tius2 the intelligence of the latter you may gauge from his questions4 ,i read it inscribed in golden letters in ,sacerdos's house at ,tius4 ',tell me1 lord ,glycon1' said he1 'who you are4' ',the new ,asclepius4' ',another1 different from the former one8 ,is that the meaning8' ',that it is not lawful for you to learn4' ',and how many years will you sojourn and prophesy among us8' ',a thousand and three4' ',and after that1 whither will you go8' ',to ,bactria2 for the barbarians too must be blessed with my presence4' ',the other oracles1 at ,didymus and ,clarus and ,delphi1 have they still the spirit of your grandsire ,apollo1 or are the answers that now come from them forgeries8' ',that1 too1 desire not to know2 it is not lawful4' ',what shall ,i be after this life8' ',a camel2 then a horse2 then a wise man1 no less a prophet than ,alexander4' ,such was the conversation4 ,there was added to it an oracle in verse1 inspired by the fact that ,sacerdos was an associate of ,lepidus3 ,shun ,lepidus2 an evil fate awaits him4 ,as ,i have said1 ,alexander was much afraid of ,epicurus1 and the solvent action of his logic on imposture4 ,on one occasion1 indeed1 an ,epicurean got himself into great trouble by daring to expose him before a great gathering4 ,he came up and addressed him in a loud voice4 ',alexander1 it was you who induced ,so-and-so the ,paphlagonian to bring his slaves before the governor of ,galatia1 charged with the murder of his son who was being educated in ,alexandria4 ,well1 the young man is alive1 and has come back1 to find that the slaves had been cast to the beasts by your machinations4' ,what had happened was this4 ,the lad had sailed up the ,nile1 gone on to a ,red ,sea port1 found a vessel starting for ,india1 and been persuaded to make the voyage4 ,he being long overdue1 the unfortunate slaves supposed that he had either perished in the ,nile or fallen a victim to some of the pirates who infested it at that time2 so they came home to report his disappearance4 ,then followed the oracle1 the sentence1 and finally the young man's return with the story of his absence4 ,all this the ,epicurean recounted4 ,alexander was much annoyed by the exposure1 and could not stomach so well deserved an affront2 he directed the company to stone the man1 on pain of being involved in his impiety and called ,epicureans4 ,however1 when they set to work1 a distinguished ,pontic called ,demostratus1 who was staying there1 rescued him by interposing his own body2 the man had the narrowest possible escape from being stoned to death--as he richly deserved to be2 what business had he to be the only sane man in a crowd of madmen1 and needlessly make himself the butt of ,paphlagonian infatuation8 ,this was a special case2 but it was the practice for the names of applicants to be read out the day before answers were given2 the herald asked whether each was to receive his oracle2 and sometimes the reply came from within1 ,to perdition6 ,one so repulsed could get shelter1 fire or water1 from no man2 he must be driven from land to land as a blasphemer1 an atheist1 and--lowest depth of all--an ,epicurean4 ,in this connexion ,alexander once made himself supremely ridiculous4 ,coming across ,epicurus's ,accepted ,maxims1 the most admirable of his books1 as you know1 with its terse presentment of his wise conclusions1 he brought it into the middle of the market-place1 there burned it on a fig-wood fire for the sins of its author1 and cast its ashes into the sea4 ,he issued an oracle on the occasion3 ,the dotard's maxims to the flames be given4 ,the fellow had no conception of the blessings conferred by that book upon its readers1 of the peace1 tranquillity1 and independence of mind it produces1 of the protection it gives against terrors1 phantoms1 and marvels1 vain hopes and inordinate desires1 of the judgement and candour that it fosters1 or of its true purging of the spirit1 not with torches and squills and such rubbish1 but with right reason1 truth1 and frankness4 ,perhaps the greatest example of our rogue's audacity is what ,i now come to4 ,having easy access to ,palace and ,court by ,rutilianus's influence1 he sent an oracle just at the crisis of the ,german war1 when ,m4 ,aurelius was on the point of engaging the ,marcomanni and ,quadi4 ,the oracle required that two lions should be flung alive into the ,danube1 with quantities of sacred herbs and magnificent sacrifices4 ,i had better give the words3 ,to rolling ,ister1 swoln with ,heaven's rain1 ,of ,cybelean thralls1 those mountain beasts1 ,fling ye a pair2 therewith all flowers and herbs ,of savour sweet that ,indian air doth breed4 ,hence victory1 and fame1 and lovely peace4 ,these directions were precisely followed2 the lions swam across to the enemy's bank1 where they were clubbed to death by the barbarians1 who took them for dogs or a new kind of wolves2 and our forces immediately after met with a severe defeat1 losing some twenty thousand men in one engagement4 ,this was followed by the ,aquileian incident1 in the course of which that city was nearly lost4 ,in view of these results1 ,alexander warmed up that stale ,delphian defence of the ,croesus oracle3 the ,god had foretold a victory1 forsooth1 but had not stated whether ,romans or barbarians should have it4 ,the constant increase in the number of visitors1 the inadequacy of accommodation in the city1 and the difficulty of finding provisions for consultants1 led to his introducing what he called night oracles4 ,he received the packets1 slept upon them1 in his own phrase1 and gave answers which the ,god was supposed to send him in dreams4 ,these were generally not lucid1 but ambiguous and confused1 especially when he came to packets sealed with exceptional care4 ,he did not risk tampering with these1 but wrote down any words that came into his head1 the results obtained corresponding well enough to his conception of the oracular4 ,there were regular interpreters in attendance1 who made considerable sums out of the recipients by expounding and unriddling these oracles4 ,this office contributed to his revenue1 the interpreters paying him ,l#bej each4 ,sometimes he stirred the wonder of the silly by answers to persons who had neither brought nor sent questions1 and in fact did not exist4 ,here is a specimen3 ,who is't1 thou askst1 that with ,calligenia ,all secretly defiles thy nuptial bed8 ,the slave ,protogenes1 whom most thou trustest4 ,him thou enjoyedst3 he thy wife enjoys-- ,the fit return for that thine outrage done4 ,and know that baleful drugs for thee are brewed1 ,lest thou or see or hear their evil deeds4 ,close by the wall1 at thy bed's head1 make search4 ,thy maid ,calypso to their plot is privy4 ,the names and circumstantial details might stagger a ,democritus1 till a moment's thought showed him the despicable trick4 ,he often gave answers in ,syriac or ,celtic to barbarians who questioned him in their own tongue1 though he had difficulty in finding compatriots of theirs in the city4 ,in these cases there was a long interval between application and response1 during which the packet might be securely opened at leisure1 and somebody found capable of translating the question4 ,the following is an answer given to a ,scythian3 ,morphi ebargulis for night ,chnenchicrank shall leave the light4 ,another oracle to some one who neither came nor existed was in prose4 ',return the way thou earnest1' it ran2 'for he that sent thee hath this day been slain by his neighbour ,diocles1 with aid of the robbers ,magnus1 ,celer1 and ,bubalus1 who are taken and in chains4' ,i must give you one or two of the answers that fell to my share4 ,i asked whether ,alexander was bald1 and having sealed it publicly with great care1 got a night oracle in reply3 ,sabardalachu malach ,attis was not he4 ,another time ,i did up the same question--,what was ,homer's birthplace8--in two packets given in under different names4 ,my servant misled him by saying1 when asked what he came for1 a cure for lung trouble2 so the answer to one packet was3 ,cytmide and foam of steed the liniment give4 ,as for the other packet1 he got the information that the sender was inquiring whether the land or the sea route to ,italy was preferable4 ,so he answered1 without much reference to ,homer3 ,fare not by sea2 land-travel meets thy need4 ,i laid a good many traps of this kind for him2 here is another4 ,i asked only one question1 but wrote outside the packet in the usual form1 ,so- and-so's eight ,queries1 giving a fictitious name and sending the eight shillings4 ,satisfied with the payment of the money and the inscription on the packet1 he gave me eight answers to my one question4 ,this was1 ,when will ,alexander's imposture be detected8 ,the answers concerned nothing in heaven or earth1 but were all silly and meaningless together4 ,he afterwards found out about this1 and also that ,i had tried to dissuade ,rutilianus both from the marriage and from putting any confidence in the oracle2 so he naturally conceived a violent dislike for me4 ,when ,rutilianus once put a question to him about me1 the answer was3 ,night-haunts and foul debauch are all his joy4 ,it is true his dislike was quite justified4 ,on a certain occasion ,i was passing through ,abonutichus1 with a spearman and a pikeman whom my friend the governor of ,cappadocia had lent me as an escort on my way to the sea4 ,ascertaining that ,i was the ,lucian he knew of1 he sent me a very polite and hospitable invitation4 ,i found him with a numerous company2 by good luck ,i had brought my escort4 ,he gave me his hand to kiss according to his usual custom4 ,i took hold of it as if to kiss1 but instead bestowed on it a sound bite that must have come near disabling it4 ,the company1 who were already offended at my calling him ,alexander instead of ,prophet1 were inclined to throttle and beat me for sacrilege4 ,but he endured the pain like a man1 checked their violence1 and assured them that he would easily tame me1 and illustrate ,glycon's greatness in converting his bitterest foes to friends4 ,he then dismissed them all1 and argued the matter with me3 he was perfectly aware of my advice to ,rutilianus2 why had ,i treated him so1 when ,i might have been preferred by him to great influence in that quarter8 ,by this time ,i had realized my dangerous position1 and was only too glad to welcome these advances2 ,i presently went my way in all friendship with him4 ,the rapid change wrought in me greatly impressed the observers4 ,when ,i intended to sail1 he sent me many parting gifts1 and offered to find us 7,xenophon and me1 that is2 ,i had sent my father and family on to ,amastris7 a ship and crew--which offer ,i accepted in all confidence4 ,when the passage was half over1 ,i observed the master in tears arguing with his men1 which made me very uneasy4 ,it turned out that ,alexander's orders were to seize and fling us overboard2 in that case his war with me would have been lightly won4 ,but the crew were prevailed upon by the master's tears to do us no harm4 ',i am sixty years old1 as you can see1' he said to me2 ',i have lived an honest blameless life so far1 and ,i should not like at my time of life1 with a wife and children too1 to stain my hands with blood4' ,and with that preface he informed us what we were there for1 and what ,alexander had told him to do4 ,he landed us at ,aegiali1 of ,homeric fame1 and thence sailed home4 ,some ,bosphoran envoys happened to be passing1 on their way to ,bithynia with the annual tribute from their king ,eupator4 ,they listened kindly to my account of our dangerous situation1 ,i was taken on board1 and reached ,amastris safely after my narrow escape4 ,from that time it was war between ,alexander and me1 and ,i left no stone unturned to get my revenge4 ,even before his plot ,i had hated him1 revolted by his abominable practices1 and ,i now busied myself with the attempt to expose him2 ,i found plenty of allies1 especially in the circle of ,timocrates the ,heracleot philosopher4 ,but ,avitus1 the then governor of ,bithynia and ,pontus1 restrained me1 ,i may almost say with prayers and entreaties4 ,he could not possibly spoil his relations with ,rutilianus1 he said1 by punishing the man1 even if he could get clear evidence against him4 ,thus arrested in my course1 ,i did not persist in what must have been1 considering the disposition of the judge1 a fruitless prosecution4 ,among instances of ,alexander's presumption1 a high place must be given to his petition to the ,emperor3 the name of ,abonutichus was to be changed to ,ionopolis2 and a new coin was to be struck1 with a representation on the obverse of ,glycon1 and1 on the reverse1 ,alexander bearing the garlands proper to his paternal grandfather ,asclepius1 and the famous scimetar of his maternal ancestor ,perseus4 ,he had stated in an oracle that he was destined to live to a hundred and fifty1 and then die by a thunderbolt2 he had in fact1 before he reached seventy1 an end very sad for a son of ,podalirius1 his leg mortifying from foot to groin and being eaten of worms2 it then proved that he was bald1 as he was forced by pain to let the doctors make cooling applications to his head1 which they could not do without removing his wig4 ,so ended ,alexander's heroics2 such was the catastrophe of his tragedy2 one would like to find a special providence in it1 though doubtless chance must have the credit4 ,the funeral celebration was to be worthy of his life1 taking the form of a contest--for possession of the oracle4 ,the most prominent of the impostors his accomplices referred it to ,rutilianus's arbitration which of them should be selected to succeed to the prophetic office and wear the hierophantic oracular garland4 ,among these was numbered the grey-haired physician ,paetus1 dishonouring equally his grey hairs and his profession4 ,but ,steward-of-the-,games ,rutilianus sent them about their business ungarlanded1 and continued the defunct in possession of his holy office4 ,my object1 dear friend1 in making this small selection from a great mass of material has been twofold4 ,first1 ,i was willing to oblige a friend and comrade who is for me the pattern of wisdom1 sincerity1 good humour1 justice1 tranquillity1 and geniality4 ,but secondly ,i was still more concerned 7a preference which you will be very far from resenting7 to strike a blow for ,epicurus1 that great man whose holiness and divinity of nature were not shams1 who alone had and imparted true insight into the good1 and who brought deliverance to all that consorted with him4 ,yet ,i think casual readers too may find my essay not unserviceable1 since it is not only destructive1 but1 for men of sense1 constructive also4 ,,of ,,pantomime ,footnote3 ',pantomime' has been chosen as the most natural translation of orchaesis1 which in this dialogue has reference for the most part to the ballet-dancer 7pantomimus7 of imperial times4 ,on the other hand1 ,lycinus1 in order to establish the antiquity and the universality of an art that for all practical purposes dates only from the ,augustan era1 and 7despite the ,greek artists7 is ,roman in origin1 avails himself of the wider meaning of orchaesis to give us the historic and prehistoric associations of dance in ,greece and elsewhere2 and in such passages it seemed advisable to sacrifice consistency1 and to translate orchaesis dance4 ,lycinus4 ,crato ,ly4 ,here are heavy charges1 ,crato2 ,i suppose you have been getting up this subject for some time4 ,you are not content with attacking the whole pantomimic art1 practical and theoretic2 we too1 the pleased spectators thereof1 come in for our share3 we have been lavishing our admiration1 it seems1 on effeminate triflers4 ,and now let me show you how completely you have been mistaken2 you will find that the art you have been maligning is the greatest boon of our existence4 ,there is some excuse for your strictures3 how should you know any better1 confirmed ascetic that you are1 believing that virtue consists in being uncomfortable8 ,cr4 ,now1 my dear sir1 can any one who calls himself a man1 and an educated man1 and in some sort a student of philosophy1--can such a one leave those higher pursuits1 leave communing with the sages of old1 to sit still and listen to the sound of a flute1 and watch the antics of an effeminate creature got up in soft raiment to sing lascivious songs and mimic the passions of prehistoric strumpets1 of ,rhodopes and ,phaedras and ,parthenopes1 to the accompaniment of twanging string and shrilling pipe and clattering heel8 ,it is too absurd3 these are not amusements for a gentleman2 not amusements for ,lycinus4 ,when ,i first heard of your spending your time in this way1 ,i was divided betwixt shame and indignation1 to think that you could so far forget ,plato and ,chrysippus and ,aristotle1 as to sit thus having your ears tickled with a feather4 ,if you want amusements1 are there not a thousand things worth seeing and hearing8 ,can you not hear classical music performed at the great festivals8 ,are there not lofty tragedy and brilliant comedy1--things that have been deemed worthy of state recognition8 ,my friend1 you have a long reckoning to settle with men of learning1 if you would not be repudiated altogether1 and expelled from the congregation of the wise4 ,i think your best course will be a point-blank denial3 declare flatly that you never did anything of the kind4 ,anyhow1 you must watch your conduct for the future3 we do not want to find that our ,lycinus has changed his sex1 and become a ,bacchante or a ,lydian damsel4 ,that would be as much to our discredit as to yours3 for ours should be ,odysseus's part1--to tear you from the lotus1 and bring you back to your accustomed pursuits2 to save you from the clutches of these stage ,sirens before it is too late4 ,the ,sirens1 after all1 did but plot against men's ears2 it needed but a little wax1 and a man might sail past them uninjured3 but yours is a captivity of ear and eye1 of body and soul4 ,ly4 ,goodness gracious6 ,all the ,cynic in you is loose1 and snarls at me4 ,at the same time1 ,i think your ,lotus-and-,siren simile is rather off the point3 you see1 the people who ate the ,lotus and listened to the ,sirens paid for the gratification of ear and palate with their lives3 whereas ,i not only have a great deal more enjoyment than they had1 but am all the better for it4 ,i have experienced no oblivion of my domestic affairs1 nor blindness to my own interests2 in fact--if ,i may venture to say so--you will find my penetration and practical wisdom considerably increased by my theatrical experiences4 ,homer has it exactly3 the spectator ,returns a gladder and a wiser man4 ,cr4 ,dear1 dear6 ,yours is a sad case1 ,lycinus4 ,you are not even ashamed2 you seem quite pleased with yourself4 ,that is the worst of it3 there seems no hope of your recovery1 while you can actually commend the mire in which you wallow4 ,ly4 ,now1 ,crato1--you talk of pantomimes and theatres1--have you seen these performances yourself1 that you are so hard on them8 or do you decide that they are 'foul mire' without personal experience8 ,if you have seen them1 you are just as bad as ,i am2 and if not1 are you justified in censuring them8 does it not savour of over-confidence1 to condemn what you know nothing about8 ,cr4 ,truly that would be the climax3 that ,i should show my long beard and white hairs amid that throng of women and lunatics2 and clap and yell in unseemly rapture over the vile contortions of an abandoned buffoon4 ,ly4 ,i can make allowance for you4 ,but wait till ,i have prevailed on you to give it a fair trial1 to accept the judgement of your own eyes3 after that you will never be happy till you have secured the best seat in the theatre1 where you may hear every syllable1 mark every gesture4 ,cr4 ,while this beard is yet unplucked1 these limbs unshaven1 ,god forbid that ,i should ever find happiness in such things4 ,as it is1 my poor friend1 ,i see that you are wholly possessed4 ,ly4 ,now suppose you were to abstain from further abuse1 and hear what ,i have to say of the merits of ,pantomime2 of the manner in which it combines profit with amusement2 instructing1 informing1 perfecting the intelligence of the beholder2 training his eyes to lovely sights1 filling his ears with noble sounds1 revealing a beauty in which body and soul alike have their share4 ,for that music and dancing are employed to produce these results is no disparagement of the art2 it is rather a recommendation4 ,cr4 ,i have not much time for listening to a madman's discourse in praise of his own madness4 ,however--if you must deluge me with nonsense--,i am prepared to do you that friendly office4 ,my ears are at your service3 they need no wax to render them deaf to foolishness4 ,henceforth ,i will be silent3 speak on2--no one is listening4 ,ly4 ,thank you1 ,crato2 just what ,i wanted4 ,as to 'foolishness1' that remains to be seen4 ,now1 to begin with1 you seem to be quite ignorant of the antiquity of the pantomimic art4 ,it is not a new thing2 it does not date from to-day or yesterday2 not1 that is to say1 from our grandfathers' times1 nor from their grandfathers' times4 ,the best antiquarians1 let me tell you1 trace dancing back to the creation of the universe2 it is coeval with that ,eros who was the beginning of all things4 ,in the dance of the heavenly bodies1 in the complex involutions whereby the planets are brought into harmonious intercourse with the fixed stars1 you have an example of that art in its infancy1 which1 by gradual development1 by continual improvements and additions1 seems at length to have reached its climax in the subtle harmonious versatility of modern ,pantomime4 ,the first step1 we learn1 was taken by ,rhea1 who was so pleased with the art that she introduced it among the ,corybantes in ,phrygia and the ,curetes in ,crete4 ,she was richly rewarded3 for by their dancing they saved her child ,zeus1 who owes it to them 7nor can he with decency deny it7 that he escaped the paternal teeth4 ,the dancing was performed in full armour2 sword clashed against shield1 and inspired heels beat martial time upon the ground4 ,the art was presently taken up by the leading men in ,crete1 who by dint of practice became admirable dancers2 and this applies not only to private persons1 but to men of the first eminence1 and of royal blood4 ,thus ,homer1 when he calls ,meriones a dancer1 is not disparaging him1 but paying him a compliment3 his dancing fame1 it seems1 had spread not only throughout the ,greek world1 but even into the camp of his enemies1 the ,trojans1 who would observe1 no doubt1 on the field of battle that agility and grace of movement which he had acquired as a dancer4 ,the passage runs as follows3 ,meriones1 great dancer though thou be1 ,my spear had stopped thy dancings1-- it did not1 however1 do so2 his practice in that art enabling him1 apparently1 to evade without difficulty any spears that might be hurled at him4 ,i could mention a number of other heroes who went through a similar course of training1 and made a serious study of dancing3 but ,i will confine myself to the case of ,neoptolemus1 the son of ,achilles1 and a most eminent dancer4 ,he it was who invented that beautiful dance called after him the ,pyrrhic2 a circumstance which may be supposed to have afforded more gratification to his father than his comeliness1 or his prowess in other respects4 ,thus ,troy1 impregnable till then1 falls a victim to the dancer's skill1 and is levelled with the dust4 ,the ,lacedaemonians1 who are reputed the bravest of the ,greeks1 ever since they learnt from ,castor and ,pollux the ,caryatic 7a form of dance which is taught in the ,lacedaemonian town of ,caryae71 will do nothing without the accompaniment of the ,muses3 on the field of battle their feet keep time to the flute's measured notes1 and those notes are the signal for their onset4 ,music and rhythm ever led them on to victory4 ,to this day you may see their young men dividing their attention between dance and drill2 when wrestling and boxing are over1 their exercise concludes with the dance4 ,a flute-player sits in their midst1 beating time with his foot1 while they file past and perform their various movements in rhythmic sequence1 the military evolutions being followed by dances1 such as ,dionysus and ,aphrodite love4 ,hence the song they sing is an invitation to ,aphrodite and the ,loves to join in their dance and revel2 while the other 7,i should have said that they have two songs7 contains instructions to the dancers3 ',forward1 lads3 foot it lightly3 reel it bravely' 7i4e4 dance actively74 ,it is the same with the chain dance1 which is performed by men and girls together1 dancing alternately1 so as to suggest the alternating beads of a necklace4 ,a youth leads off the dance3 his active steps are such as will hereafter be of use to him on the field of battle3 a maiden follows1 with the modest movements that befit her sex2 manly vigour1 maidenly reserve1--these are the beads of the necklace4 ,similarly1 their ,gymnopaedia is but another form of dance4 ,you have read your ,homer2 so that ,i need say nothing of the ,shield of ,achilles1 with its choral dance1 modelled on that which ,daedalus designed for ,ariadne2 nor of the two dancers 7'tumblers1' he calls them7 there represented as leading the dance2 nor again of the 'whirling dance of youth1' so beautifully wrought thereon by ,hephaestus4 ,as to the ,phaeacians1 living as they did in the lap of luxury1 nothing is more natural than that they should have rejoiced in the dance4 ,odysseus1 we find1 is particularly struck with this3 he gazes with admiration on the 'twinkling of their feet4' ,in ,thessaly1 again1 dancing was such a prominent feature1 that their rulers and generals were called ',dancers-in- chief1' as may be seen from the inscriptions on the statues of their great men3 ',elected ,prime ,dancer1' we read2 and again3 ',this statue was erected at the public expense to commemorate ,ilation's well-danced victory4' ,i need hardly observe that among the ancient mysteries not one is to be found that does not include dancing4 ,orpheus and ,musaeus1 the best dancers of their time1 were the founders of these rites2 and their ordinances show the value they attached to rhythm and dance as elements in religion4 ,to illustrate this point would be to make the ceremonial known to the uninitiated3 but so much is matter of common knowledge1 that persons who divulge the mysteries are popularly spoken of as 'dancing them out4' ,in ,delos1 not even sacrifice could be offered without dance and musical accompaniment4 ,choirs of boys gathered and performed their dance to the sound of flute and lyre1 and the best of them were chosen to act characters2 the songs written for these occasions were known as chorales2 and the ancient lyric poetry abounded in such compositions4 ,but ,i need not confine myself to the ,greeks4 ,the ,indians1 when they rise to offer their morning salutation to the ,sun1 do not consider it enough to kiss their hands after the ,greek fashion2 turning to the ,east1 they silently greet the ,god with movements that are designed to represent his own course through the heavens2 and with this substitute for our prayers and sacrifices and choral celebrations they seek his favour at the beginning of every day and at its close4 ,the ,ethiopians go further1 and dance even while they fight2 the shaft an ,ethiopian draws from that arrow-crown that serves him in place of a quiver will never be discharged before he has intimidated his enemy with the threatening gestures of the war-dance4 ,having dealt with ,india and ,ethiopia1 let us now consider the neighbouring country of ,egypt4 ,if ,i am not mistaken1 the ,egyptian ,proteus of ancient legend is no other than a dancer1 whose mimetic skill enables him to adapt himself to every character3 in the activity of his movements1 he is liquid as water1 rapid as fire2 he is the raging lion1 the savage panther1 the trembling bough2 he is what he will4 ,the legend takes these data1 and gives them a supernatural turn1--for mimicry substituting metamorphosis4 ,our modern pantomimes have the same gift1 and ,proteus himself sometimes appears as the subject of their rapid transformations4 ,and it may be conjectured that in that versatile lady ,empusa we have but another artist of the same kind1 mythologically treated4 ,our attention is next claimed by the ,roman dance of the ,salii1 a priesthood drawn from the noblest families2 the dance is performed in honour of ,mars1 the most warlike of the ,gods1 and is of a particularly solemn and sacred character4 ,according to a ,bithynian legend1 which agrees well with this ,italian institution1 ,priapus1 a war-like divinity 7probably one of the ,titans1 or of the ,idaean ,dactyls1 whose profession it was to teach the use of arms71 was entrusted by ,hera with the care of her son ,ares1 who even in childhood was remarkable for his courage and ferocity4 ,priapus would not put weapons into his hands till he had turned him out a perfect dancer2 and he was rewarded by ,hera with a tenth part of all ,ares's spoils4 ,as to the rites of ,dionysus1 you know1 without my telling you1 that they consisted in dancing from beginning to end4 ,of the three main types of dance1 the cordax1 the sicinnis1 and the emmelia1 each was the invention and bore the name of one of the ,satyrs1 his followers4 ,assisted by this art1 and accompanied by these revellers1 he conquered ,tyrrhenians1 ,indians1 ,lydians1 dancing those warlike tribes into submission4 ,then beware1 my enlightened friend1 of the guilt of sacrilege4 ,will you attack the holy mystic art in which so many ,gods delight2 by which their worshippers do them honour2 which affords so much pleasure1 so much useful instruction8 ,to return once more to the poets3 when ,i think of your affection for ,homer and ,hesiod1 ,i am amazed to find you disputing the preeminence they assign to the dance4 ,homer1 in enumerating all that is sweetest and best1 mentions sleep1 love1 song1 and dance2 but of these dance alone is 'faultless4' ,he testifies1 moreover1 to the 'sweetness' of song3 now our art includes 'sweet song' as well as the 'faultless dance' which you take upon you to censure4 ,again1 in another passage we read3 ,to one the ,god hath given warlike deeds3 ,but to another dance and lovely song4 ,and lovely indeed is the song that accompanies the dance2 it is the ,gods' best gift4 ,homer seems to divide all things under the two heads of war and peace2 and among the things of peace he singles out these two as the best counterpart to the things of war4 ,hesiod1 not speaking from hearsay1 but coming fresh from the sight of the ,muses' morning dance1 has this high tribute to them in the beginning of his poem3 ,their dainty feet round the dark waters dance1 about the altar of ,zeus4--,my dear sir1 your onslaught upon the dance is little short of blasphemy4 ,socrates--that wisest of men1 if we may accept the judgement of the ,pythian oracle--not only approved of dancing1 but made a careful study of it2 and1 in his zeal for grace and elegance1 for harmonious movement and carriage of the body1 thought it no shame1 reverend sage that he was1 to rank this among the most important branches of learning4 ,and well might he have an enthusiasm for dancing1 who scrupled not to study the humblest arts2 who frequented the schools of the flute-girls1 and could stoop to learn wisdom from the mouth of an ,aspasia4 ,yet in his days the art was in its infancy1 its beauties undeveloped4 ,had ,socrates seen the artists who have made modern ,pantomime what it is1 he would assuredly have given it his exclusive attention1 and assigned it the first place in the education of youth4 ,i think you forget1 when you advocate the claims of tragedy and comedy1 that each of them has its own peculiar form of dance2 tragedy its emmelia1 comedy its cordax1 supplemented occasionally by the sicinnis4 ,you began by asserting the superiority of tragedy1 of comedy1 and of the periodic performances on flute and lyre1 which you pronounce to be respectable1 because they are included in public competitions4 ,let us take each of these and compare its merits with those of dancing4 ,the flute and the lyre1 to be sure1 we might leave out of the discussion1 as these have their part to play in the dance4 ,in forming our estimate of tragedy1 let us first consider its externals-- the hideous1 appalling spectacle that the actor presents4 ,his high boots raise him up out of all proportion2 his head is hidden under an enormous mask2 his huge mouth gapes upon the audience as if he would swallow them2 to say nothing of the chest-pads and stomach-pads with which he contrives to give himself an artificial corpulence1 lest his deficiency in this respect should emphasize his disproportionate height4 ,and in the middle of it all is the actor1 shouting away1 now high1 now low1--chanting his iambics as often as not2 could anything be more revolting than this sing- song recitation of tragic woes8 ,the actor is a mouthpiece3 that is his sole responsibility2--the poet has seen to the rest1 ages since4 ,from an ,andromache or a ,hecuba1 one can endure recitative3 but when ,heracles himself comes upon the stage1 and so far forgets himself1 and the respect due to the lion-skin and club that he carries1 as to deliver a solo1 no reasonable person can deny that such a performance is in execrable taste4 ,then again1 your objection to dancing--that men act women's parts--is equally applicable to tragedy and comedy1 in which indeed there are more women than men4 ,by comedy1 the absurdity of the masks--of a ,davus1 for instance1 or a ,tibius1 or a cook--is actually claimed as one of its attractions4 ,on the other hand1 ,i need not tell you how decent1 how seemly1 is the dancer's attire2 any one who is not blind can see that for himself4 ,his very mask is elegant1 and well adapted to his part2 there is no gaping here2 the lips are closed1 for the dancer has plenty of other voices at his service4 ,in old days1 dancer and singer were one3 but the violent exercise caused shortness of breath2 the song suffered for it1 and it was found advisable to have the singing done independently4 ,as to the subjects treated1 they are the same for both1 ,pantomime differing from tragedy only in the infinite variety of its plots1 and in the superior ingenuity and learning displayed in them4 ,dancing may not be included in our public competitions2 but the reason is that the stewards regard it as a matter too high and solemn to be subjected to criticism4 ,i forbear to add that in one ,italian city--the greatest of the ,chalcidian name--a special lustre has been added to the public games by the introduction of a dancing competition4 ,and now1 before ,i proceed further1 ,i wish to offer an explanation of themany omissions ,i have made1 which might otherwise be attributed to ignorance4 ,i am well aware that the subject has already been dealt with by a number of writers1 who have chiefly occupied themselves with a description of the various forms of dance1 and a catalogue of their names1 their characters1 and their inventors2 and this they regard as a proof of erudition4 ,such work ,i leave to the ambition of dullards and pedants1 as foreign to my own purpose4 ,i would have you observe1 and bear in mind1 that ,i do not propose to make a complete history of the art of dancing2 nor is it my object to enumerate the names of dances1 except so far as ,i have already done1 in handling a few of the principal types3 on the contrary1 ,i am chiefly concerned with pointing out the profit and pleasure to be derived from modern ,pantomime1 which did not begin to take its present admirable form in ancient days1 but only in the time of ,augustus1 or thereabouts4 ,in those earlier times we have but the beginnings of the art2 the tree is taking root2 the flower and the fruit have reached their perfection only in our own day1 and it is with these that ,i have to do4 ,the tongs-dance1 the crane-dance1 and others ,i pass over because they are alien to my subject2 similarly1 if ,i have said nothing of the ,phrygian dance1--that riotous convivial fling1 which was performed by energetic yokels to the piping of a flute-girl1 and which still prevails in country districts1--,i have omitted it not from ignorance1 but because it has no connexion with the ,pantomime of to-day4 ,i have the authority of ,plato1 in his ,laws1 for approving some forms of dance and rejecting others2 he there examines the dance from the two points of view of pleasure and utility1 banishes those forms that are unseemly1 and selects others for his recommendation4 ,of dancing then1 in the strict sense of the word1 ,i have said enough4 ,to enlarge further upon its history would be pedantic4 ,and now ,i come to the pantomime4 ,what must be his qualifications8 what his previous training8 what his studies8 what his subsidiary accomplishments8 ,you will find that his is no easy profession1 nor lightly to be undertaken2 requiring as it does the highest standard of culture in all its branches1 and involving a knowledge not of music only1 but of rhythm and metre1 and above all of your beloved philosophy1 both natural and moral1 the subtleties of dialectic alone being rejected as serving no useful purpose4 ,rhetoric1 too1 in so far as that art is concerned with the exposition of human character and human passions1 claims a share of its attention4 ,nor can it dispense with the painter's and the sculptor's arts2 in its close observance of the harmonious proportions that these teach1 it is the equal of an ,apelles or a ,phidias4 ,but above all ,mnemosyne1 and her daughter ,polyhymnia1 must be propitiated by an art that would remember all things4 ,like ,calchas in ,homer1 the pantomime must know all 'that is1 that was1 that shall be'2 nothing must escape his ever ready memory4 ,faithfully to represent his subject1 adequately to express his own conceptions1 to make plain all that might be obscure2--these are the first essentials for the pantomime1 to whom no higher compliment could be paid than ,thucydides's tribute to ,pericles1 who1 he says1 'could not only conceive a wise policy1 but render it intelligible to his hearers'2 the intelligibility1 in the present case1 depending on clearness of gesticulation4 ,for his materials1 he must draw continually1 as ,i have said1 upon his unfailing memory of ancient story2 and memory must be backed by taste and judgement4 ,he must know the history of the world1 from the time when it first emerged from ,chaos down to the days of ,egyptian ,cleopatra4 ,these limitations we will concede to the pantomime's wide field of knowledge2 but within them he must be familiar with every detail3--the mutilation of ,uranus1 the origin of ,aphrodite1 the battle of ,titans1 the birth of ,zeus1 ,rhea's deception1 her substitution of a stone for her child1 the binding of ,cronus1 the partition of the world between the three brothers4 ,again1 the revolt of the ,giants1 ,prometheus's theft of fire1 his creation of mankind1 and the punishment that followed2 the might of ,eros and of ,anteros1 the wanderings of the island ,delos1 the travail of ,leto1 the ,python's destruction1 the evil design of ,tityus1 the flight of eagles1 whereby the earth's centre was discovered4 ,he must know of ,deucalion1 in whose days the whole world suffered shipwreck1 of that single chest wherein were preserved the remnants of the human race1 of the new generation born of stones2 of the rending of ,iacchus1 the guile of ,hera1 the fiery death of ,semele1 the double birth of ,dionysus2 of ,athene and ,hephaestus and ,erichthonius1 of the strife for the possession of ,athens1 of ,halirrhothius and that first trial on the ,areopagus1 and all the legendary lore of ,attica4 ,above all1 the wanderings of ,demeter1 the finding of ,persephone1 the hospitality of ,celeus2 ,triptolemus's plough1 ,icarius's vineyard1 and the sad end of ,erigone2 the tale of ,boreas and ,orithyia1 of ,theseus1 and of ,aegeus2 of ,medea in ,greece1 and of her flight thereafter into ,persia1 and of ,erechtheus's daughters and ,pandion's1 and all that they did and suffered in ,thrace4 ,acamas1 and ,phyllis1 and that first rape of ,helen1 and the expedition of ,castor and ,pollux against ,athens1 and the fate of ,hippolytus1 and the return of the ,heraclids1--all these may fairly be included in the ,athenian mythology1 from the vast bulk of which ,i select only these few examples4 ,then in ,megara we have ,nisus1 his daughter ,scylla1 and his purple lock2 the invasion of ,minos1 and his ingratitude towards his benefactress4 ,then we come to ,cithaeron1 and the story of the ,thebans1 and of the race of ,labdacus2 the settlement of ,cadmus on the spot where the cow rested1 the dragon's teeth from which the ,thebans sprang up1 the transformation of ,cadmus into a serpent1 the building of the walls of ,thebes to the sound of ,amphion's lyre1 the subsequent madness of the builder1 the boast of ,niobe his wife1 her silent grief2 ,pentheus1 ,actaeon1 ,oedipus1 ,heracles2 his labours and slaughter of his children4 ,corinth1 again1 abounds in legends3 of ,glauce and of ,creon2 in earlier days1 of ,bellerophon and ,stheneboea1 and of the strife between ,posidon and the ,sun2 and1 later1 of the frenzy of ,athamas1 of ,nephele's children and their flight through the air on the ram's back1 and of the deification of ,ino and ,melicertes4 ,next comes the story of ,pelops's line1 of all that befell in ,mycenae1 and before ,mycenae was2 of ,inachus and ,io and ,argus her guardian2 of ,atreus and ,thyestes and ,aerope1 of the golden ram and the marriage of ,pelopeia1 the murder of ,agamemnon and the punishment of ,clytemnestra2 and before their days1 the expedition of the ,seven against ,thebes1 the reception of the fugitives ,tydeus and ,polynices by their father-in-law ,adrastus2 the oracle that foretold their fate1 the unburied slain1 the death of ,antigone1 and that of ,menoeceus4 ,nor is any story more essential to the pantomime's purpose than that of ,hypsipyle and ,archemorus in ,nemea2 and1 in older days1 the imprisonment of ,danae1 the begetting of ,perseus1 his enterprise against the ,gorgons2 and connected therewith is the ,ethiopian narrative of ,cassiopea1 and ,cepheus1 and ,andromeda1 all of whom the belief of later generations has placed among the stars4 ,to these must be added the ancient legend of ,aegyptus and ,danaus1 and of that guilty wedding-night4 ,lacedaemon1 too1 supplies him with many similar subjects3 ,hyacinth1 and his rival lovers1 ,zephyr and ,apollo1 and the quoit that slew him1 the flower that sprang up from his blood1 and the inscription of woe thereon2 the raising of ,tyndareus from the dead1 and the consequent wrath of ,zeusagainst ,asclepius2 again1 the reception of ,paris by ,menelaus1 and the rape of ,helen1 the sequel to his award of the golden apple4 ,for the ,spartan mythology must be held to include that of ,troy1 in all its abundance and variety4 ,of all who fell at ,troy1 not one but supplies a subject for the stage2 and all--from the rape of ,helen to the return of the ,greeks--must ever be borne in mind3 the wanderings of ,aeneas1 the love of ,dido2 and side by side with this the story of ,orestes1 and his daring deeds in ,scythia4 ,and there are earlier episodes which will not be out of place2 they are all connected with the tale of ,troy3 such are the seclusion of ,achilles in ,scyrus1 the madness of ,odysseus1 the solitude of ,philoctetes1 with the whole story of ,odysseus's wanderings1 of ,circe and ,telegonus1 of ,aeolus1 controller of the winds1 down to the vengeance wreaked upon the suitors of ,penelope2 and1 earlier1 ,odysseus's plot against ,palamedes1 the resentment of ,nauplius1 the frenzy of the one ,ajax1 the destruction of the other on the rocks4 ,elis1 too1 affords many subjects for the intending pantomime3 ,oenomaus1 ,myrtilus1 ,cronus1 ,zeus1 and that first ,olympian contest4 ,arcadia1 no less rich in legendary lore1 gives him the flight of ,daphne1 the transformation of ,callisto into a bear1 the drunken riot of the ,centaurs1 the birth of ,pan1 the love of ,alpheus1 and his submarine wanderings4 ,extending our view1 we find that ,crete1 too1 may be laid under contribution3 ,europa's bull1 ,pasiphae's1 the ,labyrinth1 ,ariadne1 ,phaedra1 ,androgeos2 ,daedalus and ,icarus2 ,glaucus1 and the prophecy of ,polyides2 and ,talos1 the island's brazen sentinel4 ,it is the same with ,aetolia3 there you will find ,althaea1 ,meleager1 ,atalanta1 and the fatal brand2 the strife of ,achelous with ,heracles1 the birth of the ,sirens1 the origin of the ,echinades1 those islands on which ,alcmaeon dwelt after his frenzy was past2 and1 following these1 the story of ,nessus1 and of ,deianira's jealousy1 which brought ,heracles to the pyre upon ,oeta4 ,thrace1 too1 has much that is indispensable to the pantomime3 of the head of murdered ,orpheus1 that sang while it floated down the stream upon his lyre2 of ,haemus and of ,rhodope2 and of the chastisement of ,lycurgus4 ,thessalian story1 richer still1 tells of ,pelias and ,jason2 of ,alcestis2 and of the ,argo with her talking keel and her crew of fifty youths2 of what befell them in ,lemnos2 of ,aeetes1 ,medea's dream1 the rending of ,absyrtus1 the eventful flight from ,colchis2 and1 in later days1 of ,protesilaus and ,laodamia4 ,cross once more to ,asia1 and ,samos awaits you1 with the fall of ,polycrates1 and his daughter's flight into ,persia2 and the ancient story of ,tantalus's folly1 and of the feast that he gave the ,gods2 of butchered ,pelops1 and his ivory shoulder4 ,in ,italy1 we have the ,eridanus1 ,phaethon1 and his poplar-sisters1 who wept tears of amber for his loss4 ,the pantomime must be familiar1 too1 with the story of the ,hesperides1 and the dragon that guarded the golden fruit2 with burdened ,atlas1 and ,geryon1 and the driving of the oxen from ,erythea2 and every tale of metamorphosis1 of women turned into trees or birds or beasts1 or 7like ,caeneus and ,tiresias7 into men4 ,from ,phoenicia he must learn of ,myrrha and ,adonis1 who divides ,assyria betwixt grief and joy2 and in more modern times of all that ,antipater ,footnote3 ,not ,antipater1 but ,antiochus1 is meant4 and ,seleucus suffered for the love of ,stratonice4 ,the ,egyptian mythology is another matter3 it cannot be omitted1 but on account of its mysterious character it calls for a more symbolical exposition2--the legend of ,epaphus1 for instance1 and that of ,osiris1 and the conversion of the ,gods into animals2 and1 in particular1 their love adventures1 including those of ,zeus himself1 with his various transformations4 ,hades still remains to be added1 with all its tragic tale of guilt and the punishment of guilt1 and the loyal friendship that brought ,theseus thither with ,pirithous4 ,in a word1 all that ,homer and ,hesiod and our best poets1 especially the tragedians1 have sung1--all must be known to the pantomime4 ,from the vast1 nay infinite1 mass of mythology1 ,i have made this trifling selection of the more prominent legends2 leaving the rest for poets to celebrate1 for pantomimes to exhibit1 and for your imagination to supply from the hints already given2 and all this the artist must have stored up in his memory1 ready to be produced when occasion demands4 ,since it is his profession to imitate1 and to show forth his subject by means of gesticulation1 he1 like the orators1 must acquire lucidity2 every scene must be intelligible without the aid of an interpreter2 to borrow the expression of the ,pythian oracle1 ,dumb though he be1 and speechless1 he is heard by the spectator4 ,according to the story1 this was precisely the experience of the ,cynic ,demetrius4 ,he had inveighed against ,pantomime in just your own terms4 ,the pantomime1 he said1 was a mere appendage to flute and pipe and beating feet2 he added nothing to the action2 his gesticulations were aimless nonsense2 there was no meaning in them2 people were hoodwinked by the silken robes and handsome mask1 by the fluting and piping and the fine voices1 which served to set off what in itself was nothing4 ,the leading pantomime of the day--this was in ,nero's reign--was apparently a man of no mean intelligence2 unsurpassed1 in fact1 in wideness of range and in grace of execution4 ,nothing1 ,i think1 could be more reasonable than the request he made of ,demetrius1 which was1 to reserve his decision till he had witnessed his performance1 which he undertook to go through without the assistance of flute or song4 ,he was as good as his word4 ,the time-beaters1 the flutes1 even the chorus1 were ordered to preserve a strict silence2 and the pantomime1 left to his own resources1 represented the loves of ,ares and ,aphrodite1 the tell-tale ,sun1 the craft of ,hephaestus1 his capture of the two lovers in the net1 the surrounding ,gods1 each in his turn1 the blushes of ,aphrodite1 the embarrassment of ,ares1 his entreaties1--in fact the whole story4 ,demetrius was ravished at the spectacle2 nor could there be higher praise than that with which he rewarded the performer4 ',man1' he shrieked at the top of his voice1 'this is not seeing1 but hearing and seeing1 both3'tis as if your hands were tongues6' ,and before we leave ,nero's times1 ,i must tell you of the high tribute paid to the art by a foreigner of the royal family of ,pontus1 who was visiting the ,emperor on business1 and had been among the spectators of this same pantomime4 ,so convincing were the artist's gestures1 as to render the subject intelligible even to one who 7being half a ,greek7 could not follow the vocal accompaniment4 ,when he was about to return to his country1 ,nero1 in taking leave of him1 bade him choose what present he would have1 assuring him that his request should not be refused4 ',give me1' said the ,pontian1 'your great pantomime2 no gift could delight me more4' ',and of what use can he be to you in ,pontus8' asked the ,emperor4 ',i have foreign neighbours1 who do not speak our language2 and it is not easy to procure interpreters4 ,your pantomime could discharge that office perfectly1 as often as required1 by means of his gesticulations4' ,so profoundly had he been impressed with the extraordinary clearness of pantomimic representation4 ,the pantomime is above all things an actor3 that is his first aim1 in the pursuit of which 7as ,i have observed7 he resembles the orator1 and especially the composer of 'declamations1' whose success1 as the pantomime knows1 depends like his own upon verisimilitude1 upon the adaptation of language to character3 prince or tyrannicide1 pauper or farmer1 each must be shown with the peculiarities that belong to him4 ,i must give you the comment of another foreigner on this subject4 ,seeing five masks laid ready--that being the number of parts in the piece--and only one pantomime1 he asked who were going to play the other parts4 ,he was informed that the whole piece would be performed by a single actor4 ',your humble servant1 sir1' cries our foreigner to the artist2 ',i observe that you have but one body3 it had escaped me1 that you possessed several souls4' ,the term 'pantomime1' which was introduced by the ,italian ,greeks1 is an apt one1 and scarcely exaggerates the artist's versatility4 ',oh boy1' cries the poet1 in a beautiful passage1 ,as that sea-beast1 whose hue ,with each new rock doth suffer change1 ,so let thy mind free range ,through ev'ry land1 shaping herself anew4 ,most necessary advice1 this1 for the pantomime1 whose task it is to identify himself with his subject1 and make himself part and parcel of the scene that he enacts4 ,it is his profession to show forth human character and passion in all their variety2 to depict love and anger1 frenzy and grief1 each in its due measure4 ,wondrous art6--on the same day1 he is mad ,athamas and shrinking ,ino2 he is ,atreus1 and again he is ,thyestes1 and next ,aegisthus or ,aerope2 all one man's work4 ,other entertainments of eye or ear are but manifestations of a single art3 'tis flute or lyre or song2 'tis moving tragedy or laughable comedy4 ,the pantomime is all-embracing in the variety of his equipment3 flute and pipe1 beating foot and clashing cymbal1 melodious recitative1 choral harmony4 ,other arts call out only one half of a man's powers--the bodily or the mental3 the pantomime combines the two4 ,his performance is as much an intellectual as a physical exercise3 there is meaning in his movements2 every gesture has its significance2 and therein lies his chief excellence4 ,the enlightened ,lesbonax of ,mytilene called pantomimes 'manual philosophers1' and used to frequent the theatre1 in the conviction that he came out of it a better man than he went in4 ,and ,timocrates1 his teacher1 after accidentally witnessing a pantomimic performance1 exclaimed3 ',how much have ,i lost by my scrupulous devotion to philosophy6' ,i know not what truth there may be in ,plato's analysis of the soul into the three elements of spirit1 appetite1 and reason3 but each of the three is admirably illustrated by the pantomime2 he shows us the angry man1 he shows us the lover1 and he shows us every passion under the control of reason2 this last--like touch among the senses--is all- pervading4 ,again1 in his care for beauty and grace of movement1 have we not an illustration of the ,aristotelian principle1 which makes beauty a third part of ,good8 ,nay1 ,i once heard some one hazard a remark1 to the effect that the philosophy of ,pantomime went still further1 and that in the silence of the characters a ,pythagorean doctrine was shadowed forth4 ,all professions hold out some object1 either of utility or of pleasure3 ,pantomime is the only one that secures both these objects2 now the utility that is combined with pleasure is doubled in value4 ,who would choose to look on at a couple of young fellows spilling their blood in a boxing-match1 or wrestling in the dust1 when he may see the same subject represented by the pantomime1 with the additional advantages of safety and elegance1 and with far greater pleasure to the spectator8 ,the vigorous movements of the pantomime--turn and twist1 bend and spring-- afford at once a gratifying spectacle to the beholder and a wholesome training to the performer2 ,i maintain that no gymnastic exercise is its equal for beauty and for the uniform development of the physical powers1 --of agility1 suppleness1 and elasticity1 as of solid strength4 ,consider then the universality of this art3 it sharpens the wits1 it exercises the body1 it delights the spectator1 it instructs him in the history of bygone days1 while eye and ear are held beneath the spell of flute and cymbal and of graceful dance4 ,would you revel in sweet song8 ,nowhere can you procure that enjoyment in greater variety and perfection4 ,would you listen to the clear melody of flute and pipe8 ,again the pantomime supplies you4 ,i say nothing of the excellent moral influence of public opinion1 as exercised in the theatre1 where you will find the evil-doer greeted with execration1 and his victim with sympathetic tears4 ,the pantomime's most admirable quality ,i have yet to mention1--his combination of strength and suppleness of limb2 it is as if brawny ,heracles and soft ,aphrodite were presented to us in one and the same person4 ,i now propose to sketch out the mental and physical qualifications necessary for a first-rate pantomime4 ,most of the former1 indeed1 ,i have already mentioned3 he must have memory1 sensibility1 shrewdness1 rapidity of conception1 tact1 and judgement2 further1 he must be a critic of poetry and song1 capable of discerning good music and rejecting bad4 ,for his body1 ,i think ,i may take the ,canon of ,polyclitus as my model4 ,he must be perfectly proportioned3 neither immoderately tall nor dwarfishly short2 not too fleshy 7a most unpromising quality in one of his profession7 nor cadaverously thin4 ,let me quote you certain comments of the people of ,antioch1 who have a happy knack in expressing their views on such subjects4 ,they are a most intelligent people1 and devoted to ,pantomime2 each individual is all eyes and ears for the performance2 not a word1 not a gesture escapes them4 ,well1 when a small man came on in the character of ,hector1 they cried out with one voice3 ',here is ,astyanax2 and where is ,hector8' ,on another occasion1 an exceedingly tall man was taking the part of ,capaneus scaling the walls of ,thebes2 ',step over' suggested the audience2 'you need no ladder4' ,the well-meant activity of a fat and heavy dancer was met with earnest entreaties to 'spare the platform'2 while a thin performer was recommended to 'take care of his health4' ,i mention these criticisms1 not on account of their humorous character1 but as an illustration of the profound interest that whole cities have sometimes taken in ,pantomime1 and of their ability to discern its merits and demerits4 ,another essential for the pantomime is ease of movement4 ,his frame must be at once supple and well-knit1 to meet the opposite requirements of agility and firmness4 ,that he is no stranger to the science of the boxing--and the wrestling-ring1 that he has his share of the athletic accomplishments of ,hermes and ,pollux and ,heracles1 you may convince yourself by observing his renderings of those subjects4 ,the eyes1 according to ,herodotus1 are more credible witnesses than the ears2 though the pantomime1 by the way1 appeals to both kinds of evidence4 ,such is the potency of his art1 that the amorous spectator is cured of his infirmity by perceiving the evil effects of passion1 and he who enters the theatre under a load of sorrow departs from it with a serene countenance1 as though he had drunk of that draught of forgetfulness ,that lulls all pain and wrath4 ,how natural is his treatment of his subjects1 how intelligible to every one of his audience1 may be judged from the emotion of the house whenever anything is represented that calls for sorrow or compassion4 ,the ,bacchic form of ,pantomime1 which is particularly popular in ,ionia and ,pontus1 in spite of its being confined to satyric subjects has taken such possession of those peoples1 that1 when the ,pantomime season comes round in each city1 they leave all else and sit for whole days watching ,titans and ,corybantes1 ,satyrs and neat-herds4 ,men of the highest rank and position are not ashamed to take part in these performances3 indeed1 they pride themselves more on their pantomimic skill than on birth and ancestry and public services4 ,now that we know what are the qualities that a good pantomime ought to possess1 let us next consider the faults to which he is liable4 ,deficiencies of person ,i have already handled2 and the following ,i think is a fair statement of their mental imperfections4 ,pantomimes cannot all be artists2 there are plenty of ignorant performers1 who bungle their work terribly4 ,some cannot adapt themselves to their music2 they are literally 'out of tune'2 rhythm says one thing1 their feet another4 ,others are free from this fault1 but jumble up their chronology4 ,i remember the case of a man who was giving the birth of ,zeus1 and ,cronus eating his own children3 seduced by the similarity of subject1 he ran off into the tale of ,atreus and ,thyestes4 ,in another case1 ,semele was just being struck by the lightning1 when she was transformed into ,creusa1 who was not even born at that time4 ,still1 it seems to me that we have no right to visit the sins of the artist upon the art3 let us recognize him for the blunderer that he is1 and do justice to the accuracy and skill of competent performers4 ,the fact is1 the pantomime must be completely armed at every point4 ,his work must be one harmonious whole1 perfect in balance and proportion1 self-consistent1 proof against the most minute criticism2 there must be no flaws1 everything must be of the best2 brilliant conception1 profound learning1 above all human sympathy4 ,when every one of the spectators identifies himself with the scene enacted1 when each sees in the pantomime as in a mirror the reflection of his own conduct and feelings1 then1 and not till then1 is his success complete4 ,but let him reach that point1 and the enthusiasm of the spectators becomes uncontrollable1 every man pouring out his whole soul in admiration of the portraiture that reveals him to himself4 ,such a spectacle is no less than a fulfilment of the oracular injunction ,,know ,,thyself2 men depart from it with increased knowledge2 they have learnt something that is to be sought after1 something that should be eschewed4 ,but in ,pantomime1 as in rhetoric1 there can be 7to use a popular phrase7 too much of a good thing2 a man may exceed the proper bounds of imitation2 what should be great may become monstrous1 softness may be exaggerated into effeminacy1 and the courage of a man into the ferocity of a beast4 ,i remember seeing this exemplified in the case of an actor of repute4 ,in most respects a capable1 nay1 an admirable performer1 some strange fatality ran him a-ground upon this reef of over-enthusiasm4 ,he was acting the madness of ,ajax1 just after he has been worsted by ,odysseus2 and so lost control of himself1 that one might have been excused for thinking his madness was something more than feigned4 ,he tore the clothes from the back of one of the iron-shod time-beaters1 snatched a flute from the player's hands1 and brought it down in such trenchant sort upon the head of ,odysseus1 who was standing by enjoying his triumph1 that1 had not his cap held good1 and borne the weight of the blow1 poor ,odysseus must have fallen a victim to histrionic frenzy4 ,the whole house ran mad for company1 leaping1 yelling1 tearing their clothes4 ,for the illiterate riffraff1 who knew not good from bad1 and had no idea of decency1 regarded it as a supreme piece of acting2 and the more intelligent part of the audience1 realizing how things stood1 concealed their disgust1 and instead of reproaching the actor's folly by silence1 smothered it under their plaudits2 they saw only too clearly that it was not ,ajax but the pantomime who was mad4 ,nor was our spirited friend content till he had distinguished himself yet further3 descending from the stage1 he seated himself in the senatorial benches between two consulars1 who trembled lest he should take one of them for a ram and apply the lash4 ,the spectators were divided between wonder and amusement2 and some there were who suspected that his ultra-realism had culminated in reality4 ,however1 it seems that when he came to his senses again he bitterly repented of this exploit1 and was quite ill from grief1 regarding his conduct as that of a veritable madman1 as is clear from his own words4 ,for when his partisans begged him to repeat the performance1 he recommended another actor for the part of ,ajax1 saying that 'it was enough for him to have been mad once4' ,his mortification was increased by the success of his rival1 who1 though a similar part had been written for him1 played it with admirable judgement and discretion1 and was complimented on his observance of decorum1 and of the proper bounds of his art4 ,i hope1 my dear ,crato1 that this cursory description of the ,pantomime may mitigate your wrath against its devoted admirer4 ,if you can bring yourself to bear me company to the theatre1 you will be captivated2 you will run ,pantomime-mad4 ,i shall have no occasion to exclaim1 with ,circe1 ,strange1 that my drugs have wrought no change in thee6 ,the change will come2 but will not involve an ass's head1 nor a pig's heart1 but only an improved understanding4 ,in your delight at the potion1 you will drain it off1 and leave not a drop for any one else4 ,homer says1 of the golden wand of ,hermes1 that with it he charms the eyes of men1 ,when so he will1 and rouses them that sleep4 ,so it is with ,pantomime4 ,it charms the eyes-to wakefulness2 and quickens the mental faculties at every turn4 ,cr4 ,enough1 ,lycinus3 behold your convert6 ,my eyes and ears are opened4 ,when next you go to the theatre1 remember to take a seat for me next your own4 ,i too would issue from those doors a wiser man4 ,,lexiphanes ,lycinus4 ,lexiphanes4 ,sopolis ,ly4 ,what1 our exquisite with his essay8 ,lex4 ,ah1 ,lycinus1 'tis but a fledgeling of mine2 'tis all incondite4 ,ly4 ,o ho1 conduits--that is your subject1 is it8 ,lex4 ,you mistake me2 ,i said nothing of conduits2 you are behind the times2 incondite--'tis the word we use now when a thing lacks the finishing touches4 ,but you are the deaf adder that stoppeth her ears4 ,ly4 ,i beg your pardon1 my dear fellow2 but conduit1 incondite1 you know4 ,well now1 what is the idea of your piece8 ,lex4 ,a symposium1 a modest challenge to the son of ,ariston4 ,ly4 ,there are a good many sons of ,aristons2 but1 from the symposium1 ,i presume you mean ,plato4 ,lex4 ,you take me2 what ,i said could fit no other4 ,ly4 ,well1 come1 read me a little of it2 do not send me away thirsty2 ,i see there is nectar in store4 ,lex4 ,ironist1 avaunt6 ,and now open your ears to my charming2 adder me no adders4 ,ly4 ,go ahead2 ,i am no ,adam1 nor ,eve either4 ,lex4 ,have an eye to my conduct of the discourse1 whether it be fair in commencement1 fair in speech1 fair in diction1 fair in nomenclature4 ,ly4 ,oh1 we know what to expect from ,lexiphanes4 ,but come1 begin4 ,lex4 ',then to dinner1' quoth ,callicles1 'then to our post-prandial deambulation in the ,lyceum2 but now 'tis time for our parasolar unction1 ere we bask and bathe and take our nuncheon2 go we our way4 ,now1 boy1 strigil and mat1 towels and soap2 transport me them bathwards1 and see to the bath-penny2 you will find it a-ground by the chest4 ,and thou1 ,lexiphanes1 comest thou1 or tarriest here8' ',its a thousand years1' quoth ,i1 'till ,i bathe2 for ,i am in no comfort1 with sore posteriors from my mule-saddle4 ,trod the mule-man as on eggs1 yet kept his beast a-moving4 ,and when ,i got to the farm1 still no peace for the wicked4 ,i found the hinds shrilling the harvest-song1 and there were persons burying my father1 ,i think it was4 ,i just gave them a hand with the grave and things1 and then ,i left them2 it was so cold1 and ,i had prickly heat2 one does1 you know1 in a hard frost4 ,so ,i went round the plough-lands2 and there ,i found garlic growing1 delved radishes1 culled chervil and all herbs1 bought parched barley1 and 7for not yet had the meadows reached the redolency that tempts the ten toes7-so to mule-back again2 whence this tenderness behind4 ,and now ,i walk with pain1 and the sweat runs down2 my bones languish1 and yearn for the longest of water-swims2 'tis ever my joy to wash me after toil4 ,i will speed back to my boy2 'tis like he waits for me at the pease- puddingry1 or the curiosity shop2 yet stay2 his instructions were to meet me at the frippery4 ,ah1 hither comes he in the nick of time3 ay1 and has purchased a beesting-pudding and girdle-cakes and leeks1 sausages and steak1 dewlap and tripe and collops4--,good1 ,atticion1 you have made most of my journey no thoroughfare4' ',why1 sir1 ,i have been looking round the corner for you till ,i squint4 ,where dined you yesterday8 with ,onomacritus8' ',god bless me1 no4 ,i was off to the country2 hey presto6 and there we were4 ,you know how ,i dote on the country4 ,i suppose you all thought ,i was making the glasses ring4 ,now go in1 and spice all these things1 and scour the kneading-trough1 ready to shred the lettuces4 ,i shall be of for a dry rub4' ',we are with you1' cried ,philinus1 ',onomarchus1 ,hellanicus1 and ,i2 the dial's mid point is in shadow2 beware1 or we shall bathe in the ,carimants' water1 huddled and pushed by the vulgar herd4' ,then said ,hellanicus3 ',ah1 and my eyes are disordered2 my pupils are turbid1 ,i wink and blink1 the tears come unbidden1 my eyes crave the ophthalmic leech's healing drug1 mortar-brayed and infused1 that they may blush and blear no more1 nor moistly peer4' ,in such wise conversing1 all our company departed4 ,arrived at the gymnasium1 we stripped2 the finger-wrench1 the garotte1 the standing- grip1 each had its votaries2 one oiled and suppled his joints2 another punched the bladder2 a third heaved and swung the dumb-bells4 ,then1 when we had rubbed ourselves1 and ridden pick-a-back1 and had our sport of the gymnasium1 we took our plunge1 ,philinus and ,i1 in the warm basin1 and departed4 ,but the rest dipped frigid heads1 soused in1 and swam subaqueous1 a wonder to behold4 ,then back we came1 and one here1 one there1 did this and that4 ,shod1 with toothed comb ,i combed me4 ,for ,i had had a short crop1 not to convict-measure1 but saucer-wise1 deflation having set in on crown and chin-tip4 ,one chewed lupines1 another cleared his fasting throat1 a third took fish soup on radish-wafer sippets2 this ate olives1 that supped down barley4 ,when it was dinner-time1 we took it reclining1 both chairs and couches standing ready4 ,a joint-stock meal it was1 and the contributions many and various4 ,pigs' pettitoes1 ribs of beef1 paunch and pregnant womb of sow1 fried liver lobe1 garlic paste1 sauce piquante1 mayonnaise1 and so on2 pastry1 ramequins1 and honey-cakes4 ,in the aquatic line1 much of the cartilaginous1 of the testaceous much2 many a salt slice1 basket-hawked1 eels of ,copae1 fowls of the barn-door1 a cock past crowing-days1 and fish to keep him company2 add to these a sheep roast whole1 and ox's rump of toothless eld4 ,the loaves were firsts1 no common stuff1 and therewithal remainders from the new moon2 vegetables both radical and excrescent4 ,for the wine1 'twas of no standing1 but came from the skin2 its sweetness was gone1 but its roughness remained4 ,on the dolphin-foot table stood divers store of cups2 the eye-shutter1 the ladle1 slender-handled1 genuine ,mentor2 crane-neck and gurgling bombyl2 and many an earth-born child of ,thericlean furnace1 the wide- mouthed1 the kindly-lipped2 ,phocaean1 ,cnidian work1 but all light as air1 and thin as eggshell2 bowls and pannikins and posied cups2 oh1 'twas a well-stocked sideboard4 ,but the kettle boiled over1 and sent the ashes flying about our heads4 ,it was bumpers and no heeltaps1 and we were full to the throat4 ,then to the nard2 and enter to us guitar and light fantastic toe4 ,thereafter1 one shinned up the ladder1 on post-prandial japery intent1 another beat the devil's tattoo1 a third writhed cachinnatory4 ,at this moment broke in upon us from the bath1 all uninvited1 ,megalonymus the attorney1 ,chaereas the goldsmith1 striped back and all1 and the bruiser ,eudemus4 ,i asked them what they were about to come so late4 ,quoth ,chaereas2 ',i was working a locket and ear-rings and bangles for my daughter2 that is why ,i come after the fair4' ',i was otherwise engaged1' said ,megalonymus2 'know you not that it was a lawless day and a dumb8 ,so1 as it was linguistice1 there was truce to my calendarial clockings and plea-mensurations4 ,but hearing the governor was giving a warm reception1 ,i took my shiniest clothes1 fresh from the tailor1 and my unmatched shoes1 and showed myself out4 ',the first ,i met were a torch-bearer1 a hierophant1 and others of the initiated1 haling ,dinias before the judge1 and protesting that he had called them by their names1 though he well knew that1 from the time of their sanctification1 they were nameless1 and no more to be named but by hallowed names2 so then he appealed to me4' ',dinias8' ,i put in2 ',who is ,dinias8' ',oh1 he's a dance-for-your-supper carry-your-luggage rattle- your-patter gaming-house sort of man2 eschews the barber1 and takes care of his poor chest and toes4' ',well1' said ,i1 'paid he the penalty in some wise1 or showed a clean pair of heels8' ',our delicate goer is now fast bound4 ,the governor1 regardless of his retiring disposition1 slipped him on a pair of bracelets and a necklace1 and brought him acquainted with stocks and boot4 ,the poor worm quaked for fear1 and could not contain himself1 and offered money1 if so he might save his soul alive4' ',as for me1' said ,eudemus1 ',i was sent for in the gloaming by ,damasias1 the athlete many-victoried of yore1 now pithless from age2 you know him in bronze in the market4 ,he was busy with roast and boiled4 ,he was this day to exdomesticate his daughter1 and was decking her out for her husband1 when a baleful incident occurred1 which cleft the feast in twain4 ,for ,dion his son1 on grievance unknown1 if it were not rather the hostility of ,heaven1 hanged himself2 and be sure he was a dead man1 had ,i not been there1 and dislocated and loosed him from his implication4 ,long time ,i squatted a-knee1 pricking and rocking1 and sounding him1 to see whether his throat was still whole4 ,what profited most was compressure of the extremities with both my hands4' ',what1 ,dion the effeminate1 the libertine1 the debauchee1 the mastich- chewer1 the too susceptible to amorous sights8' ',yes2 the lecher and whore-master4 ,well1 ,damasias fell down and worshipped the ,goddess 7they have an ,artemis by ,scopas in the middle of the court71 he and his old white-headed wife1 and implored her compassion4 ,the ,goddess straightway nodded assent1 and he was well2 and now he is their ,theodorus1 or indeed their manifest ,artemidorus4 ,so they made offerings to her1 among them darts and bows and arrows2 for these are acceptable in her sight2 bow- woman she1 far-dartress1 telepolemic' ',let us drink1 then' said ,megalonymus2 'here have ,i brought you a flagon of antiquated wine1 with cream cheese and windfall olives--,i keep them under seal1 and the seals are worm-eaten--and others brine-steeped1 and these fictile cups1 thin-edged1 firm-based1 that we might drink therefrom1 and a pasty of tripe rolled like a top-knot4--,now1 you sir1 pour me in some more water2 if my head begins to ache1 ,i shall be sending for your master to talk to you4--,you know1 gentlemen1 what megrims ,i get1 and what a numskull mine is4 ,after drinking1 we will chirp a little as is our wont2 'tis not amiss to prate in one's cups' ',so be it1' quoth ,i2 'we are the very pink and perfection of the true ,attic' ',done with you6' says ,callicles1 'frequent quizzings are a whetstone of conversation' ',for my part1' cries ,eudemus1 '--it grows chill--,i like my liquor stronger1 and more of it2 ,i am deathly cold2 if ,i could get some warmth into me1 ,i had rather listen to these light- fingered gentry of flute and lyre4' ',what is this you say1 ,eudemus8' says ,i2 ',you would exact mutation from us8 are we so hard-mouthed1 so untongued8 ,for my tongue1 'tis garriturient4 ,i was just getting under way1 and making ready to hail you with a fine old ,attic shower4 ',tis as if a three-master were sailing before the breeze1 with stay-sails wind- bellied1 scudding along wave-skimming1 and you should throw out two- tongued anchorage and iron stoppers and ship-fetters1 and block her foaming course1 in envy of her fair-windedness4' ',why then1 if you will1 splash and dash and crash through the waves2 and ,i upsoaring1 and drinking the while1 will watch like ,homer's ,zeus from some bald-crowned hill or from ,heaven-top1 while you and your ship are swept along with the wind behind you4' ,ly4 ,thanks1 ,lexiphanes2 enough of drink and reading4 ,i assure you ,i am full beyond my capacity as it is2 if ,i do not succeed in quickly unloading my stomach of what you have put into it1 there is not a doubt ,i shall go raving mad under the intoxication of your exuberant verbosity4 ,at first ,i was inclined to be amused2 but there is such a lot of it1 and all just alike2 ,i pity you now1 poor misguided one1 trapped in your endless maze1 sick unto death1 a prey to melancholia4 ,where in the world can you have raked up all this rubbish from8 ,how long has it taken you8 ,or what sort of a hive could ever keep together such a swarm of lop-sided monstrosities8 ,of some you are the proud creator1 the rest you have dug up from dark lurking-places1 till 'tis ,curse on you1 piling woe on mortal woe6 ,how have you gathered all the minor sewers into one cloaca maxima1 and discharged the whole upon my innocent head6 ,have you never a friend or relation or well-wisher8 ,did you never meet a plain-dealer to give you a dose of candour8 ,that would have cured you4 ,you are dropsical1 man2 you are like to burst with it2 and you take it for muscular healthy stoutness2 you are congratulated only by the fools who do not see what is the matter2 the instructed cannot help being sorry for you4 ,but here in good time comes ,sopolis2 we will put you in the good doctor's hands1 tell him all about it1 and see if anything can be done for you4 ,he is a clever man2 he has taken many a helpless semi-lunatic like you in hand and dosed him into sanity4--,good day1 ,sopolis4 ,lexiphanes here is a friend of mine1 you know4 ,now ,i want you to undertake his case2 he is afflicted with a delirious affection of the vocal organs1 and ,i fear a complete breakdown4 ,pray take measures to cure him4 ,lex4 ,heal him1 not me1 ,sopolis2 he is manifestly moon-struck2 persons duly pia-matered he accounts beside their five wits2 he might come from ,samos and call ,mnesarchus father2 for he enjoins silence and linguinanity4 ,but by the unabashed ,athene1 by ,heracles the beast-killer1 no jot or tittle of notice shall he have from me4 ',tis my foreboding that ,i fall not in with him again4 ,for his censures1 ,i void my rheum upon them4 ,sop4 ,what is the matter with him1 ,lycinus8 ,ly4 ,why1 this is the matter2 don't you hear8 ,he leaves us his contemporaries1 and goes a thousand years off to talk to us1 which he does by aid of these tongue-gymnastics and extraordinary compounds-- prides himself upon it1 too1 as if it were a great thing to disguise yourself1 and mutilate the conversational currency4 ,sop4 ,well1 to be sure1 this is a serious case2 we must do all we can for him4 ,providentially1 here is an emetic ,i had just mixed for a bilious patient2 here1 ,lexiphanes1 drink it off2 the other man can wait2 let us purge you of this vocal derangement1 and get you a clean bill of health4 ,come along1 down with it2 you will feel much easier4 ,lex4 ,i know not what you would be at1 you and ,lycinus1 with your drenches2 ,i fear me you are more like to end than mend my speech4 ,ly4 ,drink1 quick2 it will make a man of you in thought and word4 ,lex4 ,well1 if ,i must4 ,lord1 what is this8 ,how it rumbles6 ,i must have swallowed a ventriloquist4 ,sop4 ,now1 let it come4 ,look1 look6 ,here comes in sooth1 anon follows1 close upon them quoth he1 withal1 sirrah1 ,i trow1 and a general sprinkling of sundry4 ,but try again2 tickle your throat2 that will help4 ,hard1 by has not come up yet1 nor a-weary1 nor rehearse1 nor quandary4 ,oh1 there are lots of them lurking yet1 a whole stomachful4 ,it would be well to get rid of some of them by purging2 there should be an impressive explosion when orotundity makes its windy exit4 ,however1 he is pretty well cleaned out1 except for what may be left in the lower bowels4 ,lycinus1 ,i shall now leave him in your charge2 teach him better ways1 and tell him what are the right words to use4 ,ly4 ,i will1 ,sopolis2 and thank you for clearing the way4 ,now1 ,lexiphanes1 listen to me4 ,if you want sincere commendations upon your style1 and success with popular audiences1 give a wide berth to that sort of stuff4 ,make a beginning with the great poets1 read them with some one to help you1 then go on to the orators1 and when you have assimilated their vocabulary1 proceed in due time to ,thucydides and ,plato1 not forgetting a thorough course also of pleasant ,comedy and grave ,tragedy4 ,when you have culled the best that all these can show1 you may reckon that you have a style4 ,you have not realized it1 but at present you are like the toymen's dolls1 all gaudy colouring outside1 and inside1 fragile clay4 ,if you will take this advice1 put up for a little while with being called uneducated1 and not be ashamed to mend your ways1 you may face an audience without a tremor2 you will not then be a laughing-stock any more2 the cultivated will no longer exercise their irony upon you and nickname you the ,hellene and the ,attic just because you are less intelligible than many barbarians4 ,but above all things1 do bear in mind not to ape the worst tricks of the last generation's professors2 you are always nibbling at their wares2 put your foot upon them once for all1 and take the ancients for your model4 ,and no dallying with unsubstantial flowers of speech2 accustom yourself1 like the athletes1 to solid food4 ,and let your devotions be paid to the ,graces and to ,lucidity1 whom you have so neglected4 ,further1 put a stopper on bombast and grandiloquence and mannerism2 be neither supercilious nor overbearing2 cease to carp at other people's performances and to count their loss your gain4 ,and then1 perhaps the greatest of all your errors is this3 instead of arranging your matter first1 and then elaborating the diction1 you find some out-of-the-way word1 or are captivated by one of your own invention1 and try to build up your meaning round it2 if you cannot get it in somehow or other1 though it may have nothing to do with the matter1 you are inconsolable2 do you remember the mobled queen you let off the other day8 ,it was quite off the point1 and you did not know what it meant yourself2 however1 its oddness tickled the ears of the ignorant many2 as for the cultivated1 they were equally amused at you and at your admirers4 ,again1 could anything be more ludicrous than for one who claims to be a purist1 drawing from the undefiled fountain of antiquity1 to mix in 7though indeed that reverses the proportion7 expressions that would be impossible to the merest schoolboy8 ,i felt as if ,i should like the earth to swallow me up1 when ,i heard you talk of a man's chemise1 and use valet of a woman2 who does not know that a man wears a shirt1 and that a valet is male8 ,but you abound in far more flagrant blunders than these3 ,i have chidden1 not chode you2 we do not write a friend1 we write to him2 we say 'onest1 not honest2 these usages of yours cannot claim even alien rights among us4 ,moreover1 we do not like even poetry to read like the dictionary4 ,but the sort of poetry to which your prose corresponds would be ,dosiadas's ,altar1 ,lycophron's ,alexandra1 or any more pestilent pedantry that may happen to exist4 ,if you take the pains to unlearn all this1 you will have done the best you can for yourself4 ,if you let yourself be seduced by your sweet baits again1 ,i have at least put in my word of warning1 and you will have only yourself to blame when you find yourself on the downward path4