,transcribed from the #aije ,the ,religious ,tract ,society edition by ,david ,price1 email ccx#jgdpglaf4org ,picture3 ,book cover ,,grace ,,abounding ,,to ,,the ,,chief ,,of ,,sinners ,,in ,a ,,faithful ,,account ,,of ,,the ,,life ,,and ,,death ,,of ,,john ,,bunyan ,,or ,a ,,brief ,,relation ,,of ,,the ,,exceeding ,,mercy ,,of ,,god ,,in ,,christ ,,to ,,him ,,namely ,,in ,,his ,,taking ,,him ,,out ,,of ,,the ,,dunghill1 ,,and ,,converting ,,him ,,to ,,the ,,faith ,,of ,,his ,,blessed ,,son ,,jesus ,,christ4 ,,here ,,is ,,also ,,particularly ,,shewed1 ,,what ,,sight ,,of1 ,,and ,,what ,,troubles ,,he ,,had ,,for ,,sin2 ,,and ,,also1 ,,what ,,various ,,temptations ,,he ,,hath ,,met ,,with1 ,,and ,,how ,,god ,,hath ,,carried ,,him ,,through ,,them4 ,,thoroughly ,,revised ,,by ,,the ,,eighth ,,edition ,,with ,,eight ,,coloured ,,illustrations ,,by ,,harold ,,copping ,picture3 ,decorative graphic ,london ,,the ,,religious ,,tract ,,solciety #d ,bouverie ,street and #fe ,st ,paul's ,churchyard #aije 99 99 99 99 99 ,come and hear all ye that fear ,god1 and ,i will declare what ,he hath done for my soul4--,psalm lxvi4 #af4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,prefatory ,,note ,,the text in this edition is as nearly as possible that of the eighth1 which was corrected by ,bunyan himself a few weeks before his death4 ,the text of #8,a ,relation' is that of the first edition of #agfe4 ,a few minor changes have been introduced for the convenience of the reader4 ,the use of capital letters has been considerably modified1 and the orthography has been in places modernized4 ,in some few instances the ,scripture references have been added to quotations where they did not appear in the original4 ,it must be remembered that ,bunyan often quoted ,scripture inexactly1 and it has not been deemed necessary to make all his quotations follow the text of the ,authorized ,version4 ,the marginal summary is not part of the original1 but has been prepared for this edition in order that it may correspond with the ,society's editions of the #8,pilgrim's ,progress4' #g ,the illustrations have been prepared for this work by ,mr4 ,harold ,copping1 whose illustrations to the #8,pilgrim's ,progress' have justly attracted much attention4 ,,contents ,,page ,,prefatory ,,note #g ,a ,,preface #aa ,,grace ,,abounding ,,to ,,the ,,chief ,,of ,,sinners1 paragraphs #a-cci #ag ,a ,brief ,account of the ,author's ,call to the ,work of #adg the ,ministry ,a ,brief ,account of the ,author's ,imprisonment #afi ,the ,conclusion1 paragraphs #a-g #ahj ,a ,,relation ,,of ,,the ,,imprisonment ,,of ,,the ,,author ,,in ,,the ,,month #ahc ,,of ,,november #affj ,a ,,continuation ,,of ,,the ,,author',s ,,life #bbi ,a ,,brief ,,character ,,of ,,the ,,author #bda ,,postscript #bdc ,a ,,preface ,,or1 ,,brief ,,account ,,of ,,the ,,publishing ,,this ,,work4 ,,written ,,by ,,the ,,author ,,thereof1 ,,and ,,dedicated ,,to ,,those ,,whom ,,god ,,hath ,,counted ,,him ,,worthy ,,to ,,beget ,,to ,,faith1 ,,by ,,his ,,ministry ,,in ,,the ,,word ,,children1 ,grace be with you4 ,amen4 ,i being taken from you in presence1 and so tied up that ,i cannot perform that duty1 that from ,god doth lie upon me to you-ward1 for your farther edifying and building up in faith and holiness1 etc41 yet that you may see my soul hath fatherly care and desire after your spiritual and everlasting welfare1 ,i now once again1 as before1 from the top of ,shenir and ,hermon1 so now from the lions' dens1 from the mountains of the leopards 7,song iv4 #h71 do look yet after you all1 greatly longing to see your safe arrival into ,,the desired ,haven4 ,i thank ,god upon every remembrance of you2 and rejoice1 even while ,i stick between the teeth of the lion in the wilderness1 that the grace and mercy1 and knowledge of ,christ our ,saviour1 which ,god hath bestowed upon you1 with abundance of faith and love2 your hungerings and thirstings after farther acquaintance with the ,father1 in the ,son2 your tenderness of heart1 your trembling at sin1 your sober and holy deportment also1 before both ,god and men1 is a great refreshment to me2 ,for ye are our glory and joy4 #a ,thess4 ii4 #bj4 ,i have sent you here enclosed1 a drop of that honey that ,i have taken out of the carcase of a lion4 ,judg4 xiv4 #e-h4 ,i have eaten thereof myself1 and am much refreshed thereby4 7,temptations1 when we meet them at first1 are as the lion that roared upon ,samson2 but if we overcome them1 the next time we see them1 we shall find a nest of honey within them47 ,the ,philistines understand me not4 ,it is something of a relation of the work of ,god upon my soul1 even from the very first1 till now1 wherein you may perceive my castings down1 and risings up3 for ,he woundeth1 and ,his hands make whole4 ,it is written in the ,scripture1 ,isa4 xxxviii4 #ai1 ,the father to the children shall make known ,thy truth4 ,yea1 it was for this reason ,i lay so long at ,sinai1 ,lev4 iv4 #aj1 #aa1 to see the fire1 and the cloud1 and the darkness1 that ,i might fear the ,lord all the days of my life upon earth1 and tell of ,his wondrous works to my children4 ,psalm lxxviii4 #c-e4 ,moses1 ,numb4 xxxiii4 #a1 #b1 writ of the journeys of the children of ,israel1 from ,egypt to the land of ,canaan2 and commanded also that they did remember their forty years' travel in the wilderness4 ,thou shalt remember all the way which the ,lord thy ,god led thee these forty years in the wilderness1 to humble thee1 and to prove thee1 and to know what was in thine heart1 whether thou wouldst keep ,his commandments1 or no4 ,deut4 viii4 #b4 ,wherefore this ,i have endeavoured to do2 and not only so1 but to publish it also2 that1 if ,god will1 others may be put in remembrance of what ,he hath done for their souls1 by reading ,his work upon me4 ,it is profitable for ,christians to be often calling to mind the very beginnings of grace with their souls4 ,it is a night to be much observed unto the ,lord1 for bringing them out from the land of ,egypt4 ,this is that night of the ,lord to be observed of all the children of ,israel in their generations4 ,exod4 xii4 #db4 ,o my ,god 7saith ,david71 ,ps4 xlii4 #f1 my soul is cast down within me2 therefore will ,i remember thee from the land of ,jordan1 and of the ,hermonites1 from the hill ,mizar4 ,he remembered also the lion and the bear1 when he went to fight with the giant of ,gath4 #a ,sam4 xvii4 #cf1 #cg4 ,it was ,paul's accustomed manner1 ,acts xxii41 and that1 when tried for his life1 ,acts xxiv41 even to open before his judges the manner of his conversion3 he would think of that day1 and that hour1 in which he first did meet with grace2 for he found it supported him4 ,when ,god had brought the children of ,israel out of the ,red ,sea1 far into the wilderness1 yet they must turn quite about thither again1 to remember the drowning of their enemies there1 ,numb4 xiv4 #be1 for though they sang his praise before1 yet they soon forgat his works4 ,psalm cvi4 #aa1 #ab4 ,in this discourse of mine1 you may see much2 much ,i say1 of the grace of ,god towards me3 ,i thank ,god1 ,i can count it much2 for it was above my sins and ,satan's temptations too4 ,i can remember my fears and doubts1 and sad months1 with comfort2 they are as the head of ,goliah in my hand3 there was nothing to ,david like ,goliah's sword1 even that sword that should have been sheathed in his bowels2 for the very sight and remembrance of that did preach forth ,god's deliverance to him4 ,oh6 the remembrance of my great sins1 of my great temptations1 and of my great fear of perishing for ever6 ,they bring afresh into my mind1 the remembrance of my great help1 my great supports from heaven1 and the great grace that ,god extended to such a wretch as ,i4 ,my dear children1 call to mind the former days1 and years of ancient times3 remember also your songs in the night1 and commune with your own ,hearts1 ,ps4 lxxiii4 #e-ab4 ,yea1 look diligently1 and leave no corner therein unsearched for that treasure hid1 even the treasure of your first and second experience of the grace of ,god towards you4 ,remember1 ,i say1 the word that first laid hold upon you3 remember your terrors of conscience1 and fear of death and hell3 remember also your tears and prayers to ,god2 yea1 how you sighed under every hedge for mercy4 ,have you never a hill ,mizar to remember8 ,have you forgot the close1 the milk-house1 the stable1 the barn1 and the like1 where ,god did visit your souls8 ,remember also the word1 the word1 ,i say1 upon which the ,lord hath caused you to hope3 if you have sinned against light1 if you are tempted to blaspheme1 if you are drowned in despair1 if you think ,god fights against you1 or if heaven is hid from your eyes2 remember it was thus with your father2 but out of them all the ,lord delivered me4 ,i could have enlarged much in this my discourse1 of my temptations and troubles for sin2 as also of the merciful kindness and working of ,god with my soul3 ,i could also have stepped into a style much higher than this1 in which ,i have here discoursed1 and could have adorned all things more than here ,i have seemed to do1 but ,i dare not3 ,god did not play in tempting of me2 neither did ,i play1 when ,i sunk as into the bottomless pit1 when the pangs of hell caught hold upon me2 wherefore ,i may not play in relating of them1 but be plain and simple1 and lay down the thing as it was2 he that liketh it1 let him receive it1 and he that doth not1 let him produce a better4 ,farewell4 ,my dear ,children1 ,the milk and honey are beyond this wilderness4 ,god be merciful to you1 and grant that you be not slothful to go in to possess the land4 ,,john ,,bunyan4 ,,grace ,,abounding ,,to ,,the ,,chief ,,of ,,sinners ,,or1 ,a ,,brief ,,relation ,,of ,,the ,,exceeding ,,mercy ,,of ,,god ,,in ,,christ1 ,,to ,,his ,,poor ,,servant1 ,,john ,,bunyan ,,in this my relation of the merciful working of ,god upon my soul1 it will not be amiss1 if in the first place1 ,i do in a few words give you a hint of my pedigree1 and manner of bringing up2 that thereby the goodness and bounty of ,god towards me1 may be the more advanced and magnified before the sons of men4 #b4 ,for my descent then1 it was1 as is well known by many1 of a low and inconsiderable generation2 my father's house being of that rank that is meanest1 and most despised of all the families in the land4 ,wherefore1 ,i have not here1 as others1 to boast of noble blood1 or of any high-born state1 according to the flesh2 though1 all things considered1 ,i magnify the heavenly ,majesty1 for that by this door ,he brought me into the world1 to partake of the grace and life that is in ,christ by the gospel4 #c4 ,but yet1 notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my parents1 it pleased ,god to put it into their hearts1 to put me to school1 to learn both to read and write2 the which ,i also attained1 according to the rate of other poor men's children3 though1 to my shame1 ,i confess1 ,i did soon lose that ,i had learned1 even almost utterly1 and that long before the ,lord did work ,his gracious work of conversion upon my soul4 #d4 ,as for my own natural life1 for the time that ,i was without ,god in the world1 it was1 indeed1 according to the course of this world and the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience4 ,eph4 ii4 #b1 #c4 ,it was my delight to be #8taken captive by the devil at his will1' #b ,tim4 ii4 #bf2 being filled with all unrighteousness2 the which did also so strongly work1 and put forth itself1 both in my heart and life1 and that from a child1 that ,i had but few equals 7especially considering my years1 which were tender1 being but few7 both for cursing1 swearing1 lying1 and blaspheming the holy name of ,god4 #e4 ,yea1 so settled and rooted was ,i in these things1 that they became as a second nature to me2 the which1 as ,i have also with soberness considered since1 did so offend the ,lord1 that even in my childhood he did scare and affrighten me with fearful dreams1 and did terrify me with fearful visions4 ,for often1 after ,i have spent this and the other day in sin1 ,i have in my bed been greatly afflicted1 while asleep1 with the apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits1 who still1 as ,i then thought1 laboured to draw me away with them1 of which ,i could never be rid4 #f4 ,also ,i should1 at these years1 be greatly afflicted and troubled with the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell-fire2 still fearing1 that it would be my lot to be found at last among those devils and hellish fiends1 who are there bound down with the chains and bonds of darkness1 unto the judgment of the great day4 #g4 ,these things1 ,i say1 when ,i was but a child1 but nine or ten years old1 did so distress my soul1 that then in the midst of my many sports and childish vanities1 amidst my vain companions1 ,i was often much cast down1 and afflicted in my mind therewith1 yet could ,i not let go my sins3 yea1 ,i was also then so overcome with despair of life and heaven1 that ,i should often wish1 either that there had been no hell1 or that ,i had been a devil2 supposing they were only tormentors2 that if it must needs be1 that ,i went thither1 ,i might be rather a tormentor1 than be tormented myself4 #h4 ,a while after those terrible dreams did leave me1 which also ,i soon forgot2 for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them1 as if they had never been3 wherefore with more greediness1 according to the strength of nature1 ,i did still let loose the reins of my lust1 and delighted in all transgressions against the law of ,god3 so that until ,i came to the state of marriage1 ,i was the very ringleader of all the youth that kept me company1 in all manner of vice and ungodliness4 #i4 ,yea1 such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this poor soul of mine1 that had not a miracle of precious grace prevented1 ,i had not only perished by the stroke of eternal justice1 but had also laid myself open1 even to the stroke of those laws which bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of the world4 #aj4 ,in these days the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me2 ,i could neither endure it myself1 nor that any other should2 so that when ,i have seen some read in those books that concerned ,christian piety1 it would be as it were a prison to me4 ,then ,i said unto ,god1 ,depart from me1 for ,i desire not the knowledge of ,thy ways4 ,job xxi4 #ad1 #ae4 ,i was now void of all good consideration1 heaven and hell were both out of sight and mind2 and as for saving and damning1 they were least in my thoughts4 ,o ,lord1 ,thou knowest my life1 and my ways were not hid from ,thee6 #aa4 ,but this ,i well remember1 that though ,i could myself sin with the greatest delight and ease1 and also take pleasure in the vileness of my companions2 yet1 even then1 if ,i had at any time seen wicked things1 by those who professed goodness1 it would make my spirit tremble4 ,as once above all the rest1 when ,i was in the height of vanity1 yet hearing one to swear1 that was reckoned for a religious man1 it had so great a stroke upon my spirit1 that it made my heart ache4 #ab4 ,but ,god did not utterly leave me1 but followed me still1 not now with convictions1 but judgments2 yet such as were mixed with mercy4 ,for once ,i fell into a creek of the sea1 and hardly escaped drowning4 ,another time ,i fell out of a boat into ,bedford river1 but1 mercy yet preserved me alive3 besides1 another time1 being in a field1 with one of my companions1 it chanced that an adder passed over the highway1 so ,i having a stick in my hand1 struck her over the back2 and having stunned her1 ,i forced open her mouth with my stick1 and plucked her sting out with my fingers2 by which act had not ,god been merciful unto me1 ,i might by my desperateness1 have brought myself to my end4 #ac4 ,this also ,i have taken notice of1 with thanksgiving3 ,when ,i was a soldier1 ,i with others1 were drawn out to go to such a place to besiege it2 but when ,i was just ready to go1 one of the company desired to go in my room3 to which1 when ,i had consented1 he took my place2 and coming to the siege1 as he stood sentinel1 he was shot in the head with a musket-bullet and died4 #ad4 ,here1 as ,i said1 were judgments and mercy1 but neither of them did awaken my soul to righteousness2 wherefore ,i sinned still1 and grew more and more rebellious against ,god1 and careless of my own salvation4 #ae4 ,presently after this1 ,i changed my condition into a married state1 and my mercy was1 to light upon a wife whose father was counted godly3 ,this woman and ,i1 though we came together as poor as poor might be 7not having so much household stuff as a dish or a spoon betwixt us both71 yet this she had for her part3 ,the ,plain ,man's ,pathway to ,heaven and ,the ,practice of ,piety2 which her father had left her when he died4 ,in these two books ,i would sometimes read with her1 wherein ,i also found some things that were somewhat pleasing to me 7but all this while ,i met with no conviction74 ,she also would be often telling of me what a godly man her father was1 and how he would reprove and correct vice1 both in his house1 and among his neighbours2 what a strict and holy life he lived in his days1 both in word and deed4 ,picture3 ,bunyan and his ,wife read her ,father's ,books #af4 ,wherefore these books1 with this relation1 though they did not reach my heart1 to awaken it about my sad and sinful state1 yet they did beget within me some desires to religion3 so that because ,i knew no better1 ,i fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times2 to wit1 to go to church twice a day1 and that too with the foremost2 and there should very devoutly1 both say and sing1 as others did1 yet retaining my wicked life2 but withal1 ,i was so over-run with the spirit of superstition1 that ,i adored1 and that with great devotion1 even all things 7both the high-place1 priest1 clerk1 vestment1 service1 and what else7 belonging to the church2 counting all things holy that were therein contained1 and especially1 the priest and clerk most happy1 and without doubt1 greatly blessed1 because they were the servants1 as ,i then thought1 of ,god1 and were principal in the holy temple1 to do ,his work therein4 #ag4 ,this conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my spirit1 that had ,i but seen a priest 7though never so sordid and debauched in his life71 ,i should find my spirit fall under him1 reverence him1 and knit unto him2 yea1 ,i thought1 for the love ,i did bear unto them 7supposing them the ministers of ,god71 ,i could have laid down at their feet1 and have been trampled upon by them2 their name1 their garb1 and work did so intoxicate and bewitch me4 #ah4 ,after ,i had been thus for some considerable time1 another thought came in my mind2 and that was1 whether we were of the ,israelites or no8 ,for finding in the scripture that they were once the peculiar people of ,god1 thought ,i1 if ,i were one of this race1 my soul must needs be happy4 ,now again1 ,i found within me a great longing to be resolved about this question1 but could not tell how ,i should3 at last ,i asked my father of it2 who told me1 ,no1 we were not4 ,wherefore then ,i fell in my spirit1 as to the hopes of that1 and so remained4 #ai4 ,but all this while1 ,i was not sensible of the danger and evil of sin2 ,i was kept from considering that sin would damn me1 what religion soever ,i followed1 unless ,i was found in ,christ3 nay1 ,i never thought of ,him1 or whether there was such a ,one1 or no4 ,thus man1 while blind1 doth wander1 but wearieth himself with vanity1 for he knoweth not the way to the city of ,god4 ,eccles4 x4 #ae4 #bj4 ,but one day 7amongst all the sermons our parson made7 his subject was1 to treat of the ,sabbath day1 and of the evil of breaking that1 either with labour1 sports or otherwise4 7,now1 ,i was1 notwithstanding my religion1 one that took much delight in all manner of vice1 and especially that was the day that ,i did solace myself therewith73 wherefore ,i fell in my conscience under his sermon1 thinking and believing that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing4 ,and at that time ,i felt what guilt was1 though never before1 that ,i can remember2 but then ,i was1 for the present1 greatly loaden therewith1 and so went home when the sermon was ended1 with a great burthen upon my spirit4 #ba4 ,this1 for that instant did benumb the sinews of my best delights1 and did imbitter my former pleasures to me2 but hold1 it lasted not1 for before ,i had well dined1 the trouble began to go off my mind1 and my heart returned to its old course3 but oh6 how glad was ,i1 that this trouble was gone from me1 and that the fire was put out1 that ,i might sin again without control6 ,wherefore1 when ,i had satisfied nature with my food1 ,i shook the sermon out of my mind1 and to my old custom of sports and gaming1 ,i returned with great delight4 #bb4 ,but the same day1 as ,i was in the midst of a game of ,cat1 and having struck it one blow from the hole1 just as ,i was about to strike it the second time1 a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into my soul1 which said1 ,wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven1 or have thy sins and go to hell8 ,at this ,i was put to an exceeding maze2 wherefore leaving my cat upon the ground1 ,i looked up to heaven1 and was1 as if ,i had1 with the eyes of my understanding1 seen the ,lord ,jesus looking down upon me1 as being very hotly displeased with me1 and as if ,he did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and other ungodly practices4 ,picture3 ,bunyan hears a ,voice from ,heaven #bc4 ,i had no sooner thus conceived in my mind1 but1 suddenly1 this conclusion was fastened on my spirit 7for the former hint did set my sins again before my face71 ,that ,i had been a great and grievous sinner1 and that it was now too late for me to look after heaven2 for ,christ would not forgive me1 nor pardon my transgressions4 ,then ,i fell to musing on this also2 and while ,i was thinking of it1 and fearing lest it should be so2 ,i felt my heart sink in despair1 concluding it was too late2 and therefore ,i resolved in my mind ,i would go on in sin3 for1 thought ,i1 if the case be thus1 my state is surely miserable2 miserable if ,i leave my sins1 and but miserable if ,i follow them2 ,i can but be damned1 and if ,i must be so1 ,i had as good be damned for many sins1 as be damned for few4 #bd4 ,thus ,i stood in the midst of my play1 before all that then were present3 but yet ,i told them nothing3 but ,i say2 having made this conclusion1 ,i returned desperately to my sport again2 and ,i well remember1 that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul1 that ,i was persuaded ,i could never attain to other comfort than what ,i should get in sin2 for heaven was gone already1 so that on that ,i must not think2 wherefore ,i found within me great desire to take my fill of sin1 still studying what sin was yet to be committed1 that ,i might taste the sweetness of it2 and ,i made as much haste as ,i could to fill my belly with its delicates1 lest ,i should die before ,i had my desire2 for that ,i feared greatly4 ,in these things1 ,i protest before ,god1 ,i lye not1 neither do ,i feign this form of speech2 these were really1 strongly1 and with all my heart1 my desires3 ,the good ,lord1 ,whose mercy is unsearchable1 forgive me my transgressions6 #be4 ,and ,i am very confident1 that this temptation of the devil is more usual among poor creatures1 than many are aware of1 even to over-run the spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart1 and benumbing of conscience1 which frame he stilly and slily supplieth with such despair1 that1 though not much guilt attendeth souls1 yet they continually have a secret conclusion within them1 that there is no hope for them2 for they have loved sins1 therefore after them they will go4 ,jer4 ii4 #be1 and xviii4 #ab4 #bf4 ,now therefore ,i went on in sin with great greediness of mind1 still grudging that ,i could not be so satisfied with it1 as ,i would4 ,this did continue with me about a month1 or more2 but one day1 as ,i was standing at a neighbour's shop window1 and there cursing and swearing1 and playing the madman1 after my wonted manner1 there sate within1 the woman of the house1 and heard me2 who1 though she also was a very loose and ungodly wretch1 yet protested that ,i swore and cursed at that most fearful rate1 that she was made to tremble to hear me2 and told me further1 that ,i was the ungodliest fellow for swearing1 that she ever heard in all her life2 and that ,i1 by thus doing1 was able to spoil all the youth in the whole town1 if they come but in my company4 #bg4 ,at this reproof ,i was silenced1 and put to secret shame2 and that too1 as ,i thought1 before the ,god of heaven2 wherefore1 while ,i stood there1 and hanging down my head1 ,i wished with all my heart that ,i might be a little child again1 that my father might learn me to speak without this wicked way of swearing2 for1 thought ,i1 ,i am so accustomed to it1 that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation2 for ,i thought it could never be4 #bh4 ,but how it came to pass1 ,i know not2 ,i did from this time forward1 so leave my swearing1 that it was a great wonder to myself to observe it2 and whereas before ,i knew not how to speak unless ,i put an oath before1 and another behind1 to make my words have authority2 now ,i could1 without it1 speak better1 and with more pleasantness than ever ,i could before4 ,all this while ,i knew not ,jesus ,christ1 neither did ,i leave my sports and plays4 #bi4 ,but quickly after this1 ,i fell into company with one poor man that made profession of religion2 who1 as ,i then thought1 did talk pleasantly of the scriptures1 and of the matters of religion2 wherefore falling into some love and liking to what he said1 ,i betook me to my ,bible1 and began to take great pleasure in reading1 but especially with the historical part thereof2 for as for ,paul's ,epistles1 and such like scriptures1 ,i could not away with them1 being as yet ignorant1 either of the corruptions of my nature1 or of the want and worth of ,jesus ,christ to save me4 #cj4 ,wherefore ,i fell to some outward reformation both in my words and life1 and did set the commandments before me for my way to heaven2 which commandments ,i also did strive to keep1 and1 as ,i thought1 did keep them pretty well sometimes1 and then ,i should have comfort2 yet now and then should break one1 and so afflict my conscience2 but then ,i should repent1 and say1 ,i was sorry for it1 and promise ,god to do better next time1 and there get help again2 for then ,i thought ,i pleased ,god as well as any man in ,england4 #ca4 ,thus ,i continued about a year2 all which time our neighbours did take me to be a very godly man1 a new and religious man1 and did marvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in my life and manners2 and indeed so it was1 though yet ,i knew not ,christ1 nor grace1 nor faith1 nor hope2 for1 as ,i have well seen since1 had ,i then died1 my state had been most fearful4 #cb4 ,but1 ,i say1 my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion1 from prodigious profaneness1 to something like a moral life2 and truly1 so they well might2 for this my conversion was as great1 as for ,tom of ,bethlehem to become a sober man4 ,now therefore they began to praise1 to commend1 and to speak well of me1 both to my face1 and behind my back4 ,now ,i was1 as they said1 become godly2 now ,i was become a right honest man4 ,but oh6 when ,i understood these were their words and opinions of me1 it pleased me mighty well4 ,for1 though as yet ,i was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite1 yet1 ,i loved to be talked of as one that was truly godly4 ,i was proud of my godliness1 and indeed1 ,i did all ,i did1 either to be seen of1 or to be well spoken of1 by men3 and thus ,i continued for about a twelvemonth1 or more4 #cc4 ,now you must know1 that1 before this1 ,i had taken much delight in ringing1 but my conscience beginning to be tender1 ,i thought such practice was but vain1 and therefore forced myself to leave it2 yet my mind hankered2 wherefore ,i would go to the steeple-house1 and look on1 though ,i durst not ring3 but ,i thought this did not become religion neither2 yet ,i forced myself1 and would look on still1 but quickly after1 ,i began to think1 how if one of the bells should fall8 ,then ,i chose to stand under a main beam1 that lay overthwart the steeple1 from side to side1 thinking here ,i might stand sure2 but then ,i should think again1 should the bell fall with a swing1 it might first hit the wall1 and then1 rebounding upon me1 might kill me for all this beam2 this made me stand in the steeple-door2 and now1 thought ,i1 ,i am safe enough2 for if the bell should now fall1 ,i can slip out behind these thick walls1 and so be preserved notwithstanding4 #cd4 ,so after this ,i would yet go to see them ring1 but would not go any farther than the steeple-door2 but then it came into my head1 how if the steeple itself should fall8 ,and this thought 7it may for aught ,i know7 when ,i stood and looked on1 did continually so shake my mind1 that ,i durst not stand at the steeple-door any longer1 but was forced to flee1 for fear the steeple should fall upon my head4 ,picture3 ,bunyan at the ,steeple #ce4 ,another thing was1 my dancing2 ,i was a full year before ,i could quite leave that2 but all this while1 when ,i thought ,i kept this or that commandment1 or did1 by word or deed1 anything that ,i thought was good1 ,i had great peace in my conscience1 and should think with myself1 ,god cannot choose but be now pleased with me2 yea1 to relate it in mine own way1 ,i thought no man in ,england could please ,god better than ,i4 #cf4 ,but poor wretch as ,i was6 ,i was all this while ignorant of ,jesus ,christ2 and going about to establish my own righteousness2 and had perished therein1 had not ,god in mercy showed me more of my state by nature4 #cg4 ,but upon a day1 the good providence of ,god called me to ,bedford1 to work on my calling2 and in one of the streets of that town1 ,i came where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door1 in the sun1 talking about the things of ,god2 and being now willing to hear them discourse1 ,i drew near to hear what they said1 for ,i was now a brisk talker also myself1 in the matters of religion2 but ,i may say1 ,i heard but understood not2 for they were far above1 out of my reach4 ,their talk was about a new birth1 the work of ,god on their hearts1 also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature2 they talked how ,god had visited their souls with ,his love in the ,lord ,jesus1 and with what words and promises they had been refreshed1 comforted1 and supported1 against the temptations of the devil3 moreover1 they reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of ,satan in particular2 and told to each other1 by which they had been afflicted and how they were borne up under his assaults4 ,they also discoursed of their own wretchedness of heart1 and of their unbelief2 and did contemn1 slight and abhor their own righteousness1 as filthy1 and insufficient to do them any good4 ,picture3 ,bunyan listens to the poor women of ,bedford #ch4 ,and1 methought1 they spake as if joy did make them speak2 they spake with such pleasantness of scripture language1 and with such appearance of grace in all they said1 that they were to me1 as if they had found a new world2 as if they were people that dwelt alone1 and were not to be reckoned among their neighbours4 ,numb4 xxiii4 #i4 #ci4 ,at this ,i felt my own heart began to shake1 and mistrust my condition to be naught2 for ,i saw that in all my thoughts about religion and salvation1 the new-birth did never enter into my mind2 neither knew ,i the comfort of the word and promise1 nor the deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart4 ,as for secret thoughts1 ,i took no notice of them2 neither did ,i understand what ,satan's temptations were1 nor how they were to be withstood1 and resisted1 etc4 #dj4 ,thus1 therefore1 when ,i had heard and considered what they said1 ,i left them1 and went about my employment again1 but their talk and discourse went with me2 also my heart would tarry with them1 for ,i was greatly affected with their words1 both because by them ,i was convinced that ,i wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man1 and also because by them ,i was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was such a one4 #da4 ,therefore ,i should often make it my business to be going again and again into the company of these poor people2 for ,i could not stay away2 and the more ,i went amongst them1 the more ,i did question my condition2 and as ,i still do remember1 presently ,i found two things within me1 at which ,i did sometimes marvel 7especially considering what a blind1 ignorant1 sordid and ungodly wretch but just before ,i was74 ,the one was a very great softness and tenderness of heart1 which caused me to fall under the conviction of what by scripture they asserted1 and the other was a great bending in my mind1 to a continual meditating on it1 and on all other good things1 which at any time ,i heard or read of4 #db4 ,by these things my mind was now so turned1 that it lay like an horse-leech at the vein1 still crying out1 ,give1 ,give1 ,prov4 xxx4 #ae2 yea1 it was so fixed on eternity1 and on the things about the kingdom of heaven 7that is1 so far as ,i knew1 though as yet1 ,god knows1 ,i knew but little71 that neither pleasures1 nor profits1 nor persuasions1 nor threats1 could loose it1 or make it let go its hold2 and though ,i may speak it with shame1 yet it is in very deed1 a certain truth1 it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to earth1 as ,i have found it often since1 to get again from earth to heaven4 #dc4 ,one thing ,i may not omit3 ,there was a young man in our town1 to whom my heart before was knit1 more than to any other1 but he being a most wicked creature for cursing1 and swearing1 and whoreing1 ,i now shook him off1 and forsook his company2 but about a quarter of a year after ,i had left him1 ,i met him in a certain lane1 and asked him how he did3 he1 after his old swearing and mad way1 answered1 he was well4 ,but1 ,harry1 said ,i1 why do you curse and swear thus8 ,what will become of you1 if you die in this condition8 ,he answered me in a great chafe1 ,what would the devil do for company1 if it were not for such as ,i am8 #dd4 ,about this time ,i met with some ,ranters' books1 that were put forth by some of our countrymen1 which books were also highly in esteem by several old professors2 some of these ,i read1 but was not able to make any judgment about them2 wherefore as ,i read in them1 and thought upon them 7seeing myself unable to judge71 ,i would betake myself to hearty prayer in this manner4 ,o ,lord1 ,i am a fool1 and not able to know the truth from error3 ,lord1 leave me not to my own blindness1 either to approve of or condemn this doctrine2 if it be of ,god1 let me not despise it2 if it be of the devil1 let me not embrace it4 ,lord1 ,i lay my soul in this matter only at ,thy foot1 let me not be deceived1 ,i humbly beseech ,thee4 ,i had one religious intimate companion all this while1 and that was the poor man ,i spoke of before2 but about this time1 he also turned a most devilish ,ranter1 and gave himself up to all manner of filthiness1 especially uncleanness3 he would also deny that there was a ,god1 angel1 or spirit2 and would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety2 when ,i laboured to rebuke his wickedness he would laugh the more1 and pretend that he had gone through all religions1 and could never light on the right till now4 ,he told me also1 that in a little time ,i should see all professors turn to the ways of the ,ranters4 ,wherefore1 abominating those cursed principles1 ,i left his company forthwith1 and became to him as great a stranger1 as ,i had been before a familiar4 #de4 ,neither was this man only a temptation to me1 but my calling lying in the country1 ,i happened to light into several people's company1 who though strict in religion formerly1 yet were also swept away by these ,ranters4 ,these would also talk with me of their ways1 and condemn me as legal and dark2 pretending that they only had attained to perfection1 that could do what they would and not sin4 ,oh6 these temptations were suitable to my flesh1 ,i being but a young man and my nature in its prime2 but ,god1 who had1 as ,i hoped1 designed me for better things1 kept me in the fear of ,his name1 and did not suffer me to accept such cursed principles4 ,and blessed be ,god1 ,who put it into my heart to cry to ,him to be kept and directed1 still distrusting my own wisdom2 for ,i have since seen even the effects of that prayer1 in ,his preserving me1 not only from ,ranting errors1 but from those also that have sprung up since4 ,the ,bible was precious to me in those days4 #df4 ,and now methought1 ,i began to look into the ,bible with new eyes1 and read as ,i never did before1 and especially the epistles of the apostle ,st ,paul were sweet and pleasant to me2 and indeed ,i was then never out of the ,bible1 either by reading or meditation2 still crying out to ,god1 that ,i might know the truth1 and way to heaven and glory4 #dg4 ,and as ,i went on and read1 ,i lighted upon that passage1 ,to one is given1 by the ,spirit1 the word of wisdom2 to another the word knowledge by the same ,spirit2 and to another faith1 etc4 #a ,cor4 xii4 ,and though1 as ,i have since seen1 that by this scripture the ,holy ,ghost intends1 in special1 things extraordinary1 yet on me it did then fasten with conviction1 that ,i did want things ordinary1 even that understanding and wisdom that other ,christians had4 ,on this word ,i mused1 and could not tell what to do1 especially this word #8,faith' put me to it1 for ,i could not help it1 but sometimes must question1 whether ,i had any faith1 or no2 but ,i was loath to conclude1 ,i had no faith2 for if ,i do so1 thought ,i1 then ,i shall count myself a very cast-away indeed4 #dh4 ,no1 said ,i1 with myself1 though ,i am convinced that ,i am an ignorant sot1 and that ,i want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding that other people have2 yet at a venture ,i will conclude1 ,i am not altogether faithless1 though ,i know not what faith is2 for it was shewn me1 and that too 7as ,i have seen since7 by ,satan1 that those who conclude themselves in a faithless state1 have neither rest nor quiet in their souls2 and ,i was loath to fall quite into despair4 #di4 ,wherefore by this suggestion ,i was1 for a while1 made afraid to see my want of faith2 but ,god would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my soul1 but did continually1 against this my sad and blind conclusion1 create still within me such suppositions1 insomuch that ,i could not rest content1 until ,i did now come to some certain knowledge1 whether ,i had faith or no1 this always running in my mind1 ,but how if you want faith indeed8 ,but how can you tell you have faith8 ,and besides1 ,i saw for certain1 if ,i had not1 ,i was sure to perish for ever4 #ej4 ,so that though ,i endeavoured at the first to look over the business of ,faith1 yet in a little time1 ,i better considering the matter1 was willing to put myself upon the trial whether ,i had faith or no4 ,but alas1 poor wretch6 so ignorant and brutish was ,i1 that ,i knew not to this day no more how to do it1 than ,i know how to begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of art1 which ,i never yet saw or considered4 #ea4 ,wherefore while ,i was thus considering1 and being put to my plunge about it 7for you must know1 that as yet ,i had in this matter broken my mind to no man1 only did hear and consider71 the tempter came in with this delusion1 ,that there was no way for me to know ,i had faith1 but by trying to work some miracle2 urging those scriptures that seem to look that way1 for the enforcing and strengthening his temptation4 ,nay1 one day1 as ,i was between ,elstow and ,bedford1 the temptation was hot upon me1 to try if ,i had faith1 by doing some miracle2 which miracle at this time was this1 ,i must say to the puddles that were in the horsepads1 ,be dry2 and to the dry places1 ,be you puddles3 and truly one time ,i was going to say so indeed2 but just as ,i was about to speak1 this thought came into my mind2 ,but go under yonder hedge and pray first1 that ,god would make you able4 ,but when ,i had concluded to pray1 this came hot upon me2 ,that if ,i prayed1 and came again and tried to do it1 and yet did nothing notwithstanding1 then to be sure ,i had no faith1 but was a cast-away1 and lost2 nay1 thought ,i1 if it be so1 ,i will not try yet1 but will stay a little longer4 #eb4 ,so ,i continued at a great loss2 for ,i thought1 if they only had faith1 which could do so wonderful things1 then ,i concluded1 that for the present ,i neither had it1 nor yet for the time to come1 were ever like to have it4 ,thus ,i was tossed betwixt the devil and my own ignorance1 and so perplexed1 especially at some times1 that ,i could not tell what to do4 #ec4 ,about this time1 the state and happiness of these poor people at ,bedford was thus1 in a kind of a vision1 presented to me1 ,i saw as if they were on the sunny side of some high mountain1 there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun1 while ,i was shivering and shrinking in the cold1 afflicted with frost1 snow and dark clouds3 methought also1 betwixt me and them1 ,i saw a wall that did compass about this mountain1 now through this wall my soul did greatly desire to pass2 concluding1 that if ,i could1 ,i would even go into the very midst of them1 and there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun4 #ed4 ,about this wall ,i bethought myself1 to go again and again1 still prying as ,i went1 to see if ,i could find some way or passage1 by which ,i might enter therein3 but none could ,i find for some time3 at the last1 ,i saw1 as it were1 a narrow gap1 like a little door-way in the wall1 through which ,i attempted to pass3 ,now the passage being very strait and narrow1 ,i made many offers to get in1 but all in vain1 even until ,i was well-nigh quite beat out1 by striving to get in2 at last1 with great striving1 methought ,i at first did get in my head1 and after that1 by a sideling striving1 my shoulders1 and my whole body2 then ,i was exceeding glad1 went and sat down in the midst of them1 and so was comforted with the light and heat of their sun4 #ee4 ,now this mountain1 and wall1 etc41 was thus made out to me3 ,the mountain signified the church of the living ,god3 the sun that shone thereon1 the comfortable shining of ,his merciful face on them that were therein2 the wall ,i thought was the word1 that did make separation between the ,christians and the world2 and the gap which was in the wall1 ,i thought1 was ,jesus ,christ1 ,who is the way to ,god the ,father4 ,john xiv4 #f2 ,matt4 vii4 #ad4 ,but forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow1 even so narrow that ,i could not1 but with great difficulty1 enter in thereat1 it showed me1 that none could enter into life1 but those that were in downright earnest1 and unless also they left that wicked world behind them2 for here was only room for body and soul1 but not for body and soul and sin4 #ef4 ,this resemblance abode upon my spirit many days2 all which time ,i saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition1 but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the sunshine3 ,now also ,i should pray wherever ,i was3 whether at home or abroad2 in house or field2 and would also often1 with lifting up of heart1 sing that of the fifty-first ,psalm1 ,o ,lord1 consider my distress2 for as yet ,i knew not where ,i was4 #eg4 ,neither as yet could ,i attain to any comfortable persuasion that ,i had faith in ,christ2 but instead of having satisfaction here1 ,i began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future happiness2 especially with such as these1 whether ,i was elected8 ,but how1 if the day of grace should now be past and gone8 #eh4 ,by these two temptations ,i was very much afflicted and disquieted2 sometimes by one1 and sometimes by the other of them4 ,and first1 to speak of that about my questioning my election1 ,i found at this time1 that though ,i was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory1 and though nothing could beat me off from this1 yet this question did so offend and discourage me1 that ,i was1 especially sometimes1 as if the very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and power thereof4 ,this scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all my desires2 ,it is not of him that willeth1 nor of him that runneth2 but of ,god that showeth mercy4 ,rom4 ix4 #af4 #ei4 ,with this scripture ,i could not tell what to do3 for ,i evidently saw1 unless that the great ,god1 of ,his infinite grace and bounty1 had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy1 though ,i should desire1 and long1 and labour until my heart did break1 no good could come of it4 ,therefore this would stick with me1 ,how can you tell that you are elected8 ,and what if you should not8 ,how then8 #fj4 ,o ,lord1 thought ,i1 what if ,i should not indeed8 ,it may be you are not1 said the ,tempter2 it may be so indeed1 thought ,i4 ,why then1 said ,satan1 you had as good leave off1 and strive no farther2 for if indeed1 you should not be elected and chosen of ,god1 there is no talk of your being saved2 ,for it is not of him that willeth1 nor of him that runneth2 but of ,god that showeth mercy4 #fa4 ,by these things ,i was driven to my wits' end1 not knowing what to say1 or how to answer these temptations3 7indeed1 ,i little thought that ,satan had thus assaulted me1 but that rather it was my own prudence thus to start the question73 for that the elect only attained eternal life2 that1 ,i without scruple did heartily close withal2 but that myself was one of them1 there lay the question4 #fb4 ,thus therefore1 for several days1 ,i was greatly assaulted and perplexed1 and was often1 when ,i have been walking1 ready to sink where ,i went1 with faintness in my mind2 but one day1 after ,i had been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as ,i was now quite giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life1 that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit1 ,look at the generations of old1 and see2 did ever any trust in ,god1 and were confounded8 #fc4 ,at which ,i was greatly lightened1 and encouraged in my soul2 for thus1 at that very instant1 it was expounded to me3 ,begin at the beginning of ,genesis1 and read to the end of the ,revelations1 and see if you can find1 that there were ever any that trusted in the ,lord1 and were confounded4 ,so coming home1 ,i presently went to my ,bible1 to see if ,i could find that saying1 not doubting but to find it presently2 for it was so fresh1 and with such strength and comfort on my spirit1 that it was as if it talked with me4 #fd4 ,well1 ,i looked1 but ,i found it not2 only it abode upon me3 ,then did ,i ask first this good man1 and then another1 if they knew where it was1 but they knew no such place4 ,at this ,i wondered1 that such a sentence should so suddenly1 and with such comfort and strength1 seize1 and abide upon my heart2 and yet that none could find it 7for ,i doubted not but that it was in holy scripture74 #fe4 ,thus ,i continued above a year1 and could not find the place2 but at last1 casting my eye upon the ,apocrypha books1 ,i found it in ,ecclesiasticus1 ,eccles4 ii4 #aj4 ,this1 at the first1 did somewhat daunt me2 but because by this time ,i had got more experience of the love and kindness of ,god1 it troubled me the less1 especially when ,i considered that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical2 yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the promises1 it was my duty to take the comfort of it2 and ,i bless ,god for that word1 for it was of ,god to me3 that word doth still at times shine before my face4 #ff4 ,after this1 that other doubt did come with strength upon me1 ,but how if the day of grace should be past and gone8 ,how if you have overstood the time of mercy8 ,now ,i remember that one day1 as ,i was walking in the country1 ,i was much in the thoughts of this1 ,but how if the day of grace is past8 ,and to aggravate my trouble1 the ,tempter presented to my mind those good people of ,bedford1 and suggested thus unto me1 that these being converted already1 they were all that ,god would save in those parts2 and that ,i came too late1 for these had got the blessing before ,i came4 #fg4 ,now ,i was in great distress1 thinking in very deed that this might well be so2 wherefore ,i went up and down1 bemoaning my sad condition2 counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thus long1 and spending so many years in sin as ,i had done2 still crying out1 ,oh6 that ,i had turned sooner6 ,oh6 that ,i had turned seven years ago6 ,it made me also angry with myself1 to think that ,i should have no more wit1 but to trifle away my time1 till my soul and heaven were lost4 #fh4 ,but when ,i had been long vexed with this fear1 and was scarce able to take one step more1 just about the same place where ,i received my other encouragement1 these words broke in upon my mind1 ,compel them to come in1 that my house may be filled2 and yet there is room4 ,luke xiv4 #bb1 #bc4 ,these words1 but especially those1 ,and yet there is room1 were sweet words to me2 for truly ,i thought that by them ,i saw there was place enough in heaven for me2 and moreover1 that when the ,lord ,jesus did speak these words1 ,he then did think of me3 and that ,he knowing that the time would come1 that ,i should be afflicted with fear1 that there was no place left for me in ,his bosom1 did before speak this word1 and leave it upon record1 that ,i might find help thereby against this vile temptation4 ,this ,i then verily believed4 #fi4 ,in the light and encouragement of this word ,i went a pretty while2 and the comfort was the more1 when ,i thought that the ,lord ,jesus should think on me so long ago1 and that ,he should speak those words on purpose for my sake2 for ,i did think verily1 that ,he did on purpose speak them to encourage me withal4 #gj4 ,but ,i was not without my temptations to go back again2 temptations ,i say1 both from ,satan1 mine own heart1 and carnal acquaintance2 but ,i thank ,god these were outweighed by that sound sense of death1 and of the day of judgment1 which abode1 as it were1 continually in my view3 ,i would often also think on ,nebuchadnezzar2 of whom it is said1 ,he had given him all the kingdoms of the earth4 ,dan4 v4 #ah1 #ai4 ,yet1 thought ,i1 if this great man had all his portion in this world1 one hour in hell-fire would make him forget all4 ,which consideration was a great help to me4 #ga4 ,i was also made1 about this time1 to see something concerning the beasts that ,moses counted clean and unclean3 ,i thought those beasts were types of men2 the clean1 types of them that were the people of ,god2 but the unclean1 types of such as were the children of the wicked one4 ,now ,i read1 that the clean beasts chewed the cud2 that is1 thought ,i1 they show us1 we must feed upon the word of ,god3 they also parted the hoof4 ,i thought that signified1 we must part1 if we would be saved1 with the ways of ungodly men4 ,and also1 in further reading about them1 ,i found1 that though we did chew the cud1 as the hare2 yet if we walked with claws1 like a dog2 or if we did part the hoof1 like the swine1 yet if we did not chew the cud1 as the sheep1 we were still1 for all that1 but unclean3 for ,i thought the hare to be a type of those that talk of the word1 yet walk in the ways of sin2 and that the swine was like him that parted with his outward pollutions1 but still wanteth the word of faith1 without which there could be no way of salvation1 let a man be never so devout4 ,deut4 xiv4 ,after this1 ,i found by reading the word1 that those that must be glorified with ,christ in another world must be called by ,him here2 called to the partaking of a share in ,his word and righteousness1 and to the comforts and first-fruits of ,his ,spirit2 and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things1 which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest1 and house of glory1 which is in heaven above4 #gb4 ,here again ,i was at a very ,i great stand1 not knowing what to do1 fearing ,i was not called2 for1 thought ,i1 if ,i be not called1 what then can do me good8 ,none but those who are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven4 ,but oh6 how ,i now loved those words that spake of a ,christian's calling6 as when the ,lord said to one1 ,follow ,me2 and to another1 ,come after ,me3 and oh1 thought ,i1 that ,he would say so to me too3 how gladly would ,i run after ,him6 #gc4 ,i cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my soul1 ,i cried to ,christ to call me4 ,thus ,i continued for a time1 all on a flame to be converted to ,jesus ,christ2 and did also see at that day1 such glory in a converted state1 that ,i could not be contented without a share therein4 ,gold6 could it have been gotten for gold1 what would ,i have given for it8 ,had ,i had a whole world1 it had all gone ten thousand times over for this1 that my soul might have been in a converted state4 #gd4 ,how lovely now was every one in my eyes1 that ,i thought to be converted men and women4 ,they shone1 they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about them4 ,oh6 ,i saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places1 and they had a goodly heritage4 ,psalm xvi4 ,but that which made me sick1 was that of ,christ1 in ,st ,mark1 ,he goeth up into a mountain1 and calleth unto ,him whom ,he would1 and they came unto ,him4 ,mark iii4 #ac4 #ge4 ,this scripture made me faint and fear1 yet it kindled fire in my soul4 ,that which made me fear1 was this2 lest ,christ should have no liking to me1 for ,he called whom ,he would4 ,but oh6 the glory that ,i saw in that condition1 did still so engage my heart1 that ,i could seldom read of any that ,christ did call1 but ,i presently wished1 ,would ,i had been in their clothes1 would ,i had been born ,peter2 would ,i had been born ,john2 or1 would ,i had been by and had heard ,him when ,he called them1 how would ,i have cried1 ,o ,lord1 call me also6 ,but1 oh6 ,i feared ,he would not call me4 #gf4 ,and truly1 the ,lord let me go thus many months together1 and shewed me nothing2 either that ,i was already1 or should be called hereafter3 but at last after much time spent1 and many groans to ,god1 that ,i might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling2 that word came in upon me3 ,i will cleanse their blood1 that ,i have not cleansed1 for the ,lord dwelleth in ,zion4 ,joel iii4 #ba4 ,these words ,i thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon ,god2 and signified unto me1 that if ,i were not already1 yet time might come1 ,i might be in truth converted unto ,christ4 #gg4 ,about this time ,i began to break my mind to those poor people in ,bedford1 and to tell them my condition2 which when they had heard1 they told ,mr ,gifford of me1 who himself also took occasion to talk with me1 and was willing to be well persuaded of me1 though ,i think from little grounds3 but he invited me to his house1 where ,i should hear him confer with others1 about the dealings of ,god with their souls2 from all which ,i still received more conviction1 and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart2 for as yet ,i knew no great matter therein2 but now it began to be discovered unto me1 and also to work at that rate as it never did before4 ,now ,i evidently found1 that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me1 in wicked thoughts and desires1 which ,i did not regard before2 my desires also for heaven and life began to fail2 ,i found also1 that whereas before my soul was full of longing after ,god1 now it began to hanker after every foolish vanity2 yea1 my heart would not be moved to mind that which was good2 it began to be careless1 both of my soul and heaven2 it would now continually hang back1 both to1 and in every duty2 and was as a clog on the leg of a bird1 to hinder me from flying4 #gh4 ,nay1 thought ,i1 now ,i grow worse and worse3 now ,i am farther from conversion than ever ,i was before4 ,wherefore ,i began to sink greatly in my soul1 and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart1 as laid me as low as hell4 ,if now ,i should have burned at the stake1 ,i could not believe that ,christ had love for me3 alas6 ,i could neither hear ,him1 nor see ,him1 nor feel ,him1 nor favour any of ,his things2 ,i was driven as with a tempest1 my heart would be unclean1 and the ,canaanites would dwell in the land4 #gi4 ,sometimes ,i would tell my condition to the people of ,god2 which1 when they heard1 they would pity me1 and would tell me of the promises2 but they had as good have told me1 that ,i must reach the sun with my finger1 as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises3 and as soon ,i should have done it4 ,all my sense and feeling were against me2 and ,i saw ,i had an heart that would sin1 and that lay under a law that would condemn4 #hj4 ,these things have often made me think of the child which the father brought to ,christ1 who1 while he was yet coming to ,him1 was thrown down by the devil1 and also so rent and torn by him1 that he lay down and wallowed1 foaming4 ,luke ix4 #db2 ,mark ix4 #bj4 #ha4 ,further1 in these days1 ,i would find my heart to shut itself up against the ,lord1 and against ,his holy word3 ,i have found my unbelief to set1 as it were1 the shoulder to the door1 to keep ,him out2 and that too even then1 when ,i have with many a bitter sigh1 cried1 ,good ,lord1 break it open3 ,lord1 break these gates of brass1 and cut these bars of iron asunder4 ,psalm cvii4 #af4 ,yet that word would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause1 ,i girded thee1 though thou hast not known ,me4 ,isaiah xlv4 #e4 #hb4 ,but all this while1 as to the act of sinning1 ,i was never more tender than now3 my hinder parts were inward3 ,i durst not take a pin or stick1 though but so big as a straw2 for my conscience now was sore1 and would smart at every touch3 ,i could not now tell how to speak my words1 for fear ,i should misplace them4 ,oh1 how gingerly did ,i then go1 in all ,i did or said6 ,i found myself as on a miry bog1 that shook if ,i did but stir1 and was1 as there1 left both of ,god and ,christ1 and the ,spirit1 and all good things4 #hc4 ,but ,i observed1 though ,i was such a great sinner before conversion1 yet ,god never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me2 only ,he showed me1 ,i was lost if ,i had not ,christ1 because ,i had been a sinner3 ,i saw that ,i wanted a perfect righteousness to present me without fault before ,god1 and this righteousness was no where to be found1 but in the ,person of ,jesus ,christ4 #hd4 ,but my original and inward pollution2 ,that1 that was my plague and affliction1 that ,i saw at a dreadful rate1 always putting forth itself within me2 that ,i had the guilt of1 to amazement2 by reason of that1 ,i was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad1 and ,i thought ,i was so in ,god's eyes too3 ,sin and corruption1 ,i said1 would as naturally bubble out of my heart1 as water would bubble out of a fountain3 ,i thought now1 that every one had a better heart than ,i had2 ,i could have changed heart with any body2 ,i thought none but the devil himself could equalise me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind4 ,i fell therefore at the sight of my own vileness deeply into despair2 for ,i concluded1 that this condition that ,i was in1 could not stand with a state of grace4 ,sure1 thought ,i1 ,i am forsaken of ,god2 sure1 ,i am given up to the devil1 and to a reprobate mind3 and thus ,i continued a long while1 even for some years together4 #he4 ,while ,i was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation1 there were two things would make me wonder2 the one was1 when ,i saw old people hunting after the things of this life1 as if they should live here always3 the other was1 when ,i found professors much distressed and cast down1 when they met with outward losses2 as of husband1 wife1 child1 etc4 ,lord1 thought ,i1 what a-do is here about such little things as these6 ,what seeking after carnal things1 by some1 and what grief in others for the loss of them6 if they so much labour after1 and shed so many tears for the things of this present life1 how am ,i to be bemoaned1 pitied1 and prayed for6 ,my soul is dying1 my soul is damning4 ,were my soul but in a good condition1 and were ,i but sure of it1 ah6 how rich should ,i esteem myself1 though blessed but with bread and water6 ,i should count those but small afflictions1 and should bear them as little burthens4 ,a wounded spirit who can bear6 #hf4 ,and though ,i was much troubled1 and tossed1 and afflicted1 with the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness1 yet ,i was afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind3 that unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way1 that is1 by the blood of ,christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind1 than better4 ,wherefore1 if my guilt lay hard upon me1 then ,i should cry that the blood of ,christ might take it off3 and if it was going off without it 7for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die1 and go quite away71 then ,i would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again1 by bringing the punishment of sin in hell fire upon my spirit2 and should cry1 ,lord1 let it not go off my heart1 but the right way1 by the blood of ,christ1 and the application of ,thy mercy1 through ,him1 to my soul1 for that scripture lay much upon me1 without shedding of blood is no remission4 ,heb4 ix4 #bb4 ,and that which made me the more afraid of this1 was1 because ,i had seen some1 who though when they were under wounds of conscience1 would cry and pray2 yet seeking rather present ease from their trouble1 than pardon for their sin1 cared not how they lost their guilt1 so they got it out of their mind3 now1 having got it off the wrong way1 it was not sanctified unto them2 but they grew harder and blinder1 and more wicked after their trouble4 ,this made me afraid1 and made me cry to ,god the more1 that it might not be so with me4 #hg4 ,and now ,i was sorry that ,god had made me man1 for ,i feared ,i was a reprobate2 ,i counted man as unconverted1 the most doleful of all the creatures4 ,thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition1 ,i counted myself alone1 and above the most of men unblessed4 #hh4 ,yea1 ,i thought it impossible that ever ,i should attain to so much goodness of heart1 as to thank ,god that ,he had made me a man4 ,man indeed is the most noble by creation1 of all creatures in the visible world2 but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble4 ,the beasts1 birds1 fishes1 etc4 ,i blessed their condition2 for they had not a sinful nature2 they were not obnoxious to the wrath of ,god2 they were not to go to hell-fire after death2 ,i could therefore have rejoiced1 had my condition been as any of theirs4 #hi4 ,in this condition ,i went a great while1 but when comforting time was come1 ,i heard one preach a sermon on these words in the song1 ,song iv4 #a1 ,behold1 thou art fair1 my love1 behold1 thou art fair4 ,but at that time he made these two words1 my love1 his chief and subject matter3 from which1 after he had a little opened the text1 he observed these several conclusions3 #a4 ,that the church1 and so every saved soul1 is ,christ's love1 when loveless4 #b4 ,christ's love without a cause4 #c4 ,christ's love1 when hated of the world4 #d4 ,christ's love1 when under temptation and under destruction4 #e4 ,christ's love1 from first to last4 #ij4 ,but ,i got nothing by what he said at present2 only when he came to the application of the fourth particular1 this was the word he said2 ,if it be so1 that the saved soul is ,christ's love1 when under temptation and desertion2 then poor tempted soul1 when thou art assaulted1 and afflicted with temptations1 and the hidings of ,god's face1 yet think on these two words1 #8,my love1' still4 #ia4 ,so as ,i was going home1 these words came again into my thoughts2 and ,i well remember1 as they came in1 ,i said thus in my heart1 ,what shall ,i get by thinking on these two words8 ,this thought had no sooner passed through my heart1 but these words began thus to kindle in my spirit1 ,thou art ,my ,love1 thou art ,my ,dove1 twenty times together2 and still as they ran in my mind1 they waxed stronger and warmer1 and began to make me look up2 but being as yet1 between hope and fear1 ,i still replied in my heart1 ,but is it true1 but is it true8 ,at which that sentence fell upon me1 ,he wist not that it was true1 which was done by the ,angel4 ,acts xii4 #i4 #ib4 ,then ,i began to give place to the word which with power1 did over and over make this joyful sound within my soul1 #8,thou art my ,love1 thou art ,my ,love1 and nothing shall separate thee from ,my ,love4 ,and with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope1 and now ,i could believe that my sins should be forgiven me2 yea1 ,i was now so taken with the love and mercy of ,god1 that ,i remember ,i could not tell how to contain till ,i got home3 ,i thought ,i could have spoken of ,his love1 and have told of ,his mercy to me1 even to the very crows1 that sat upon the ploughed lands before me1 had they been capable to have understood me3 wherefore ,i said in my soul1 with much gladness1 ,well1 ,i would ,i had a pen and ink here1 ,i would write this down before ,i go any farther2 for surely ,i will not forget this forty years hence4 ,but1 alas6 within less than forty days ,i began to question all again2 which made me begin to question all still4 #ic4 ,yet still at times ,i was helped to believe1 that it was a true manifestation of grace unto my soul1 though ,i had lost much of the life and favour of it4 ,now about a week or a fortnight after this ,i was much followed by this scripture1 ,simon1 ,simon2 behold1 ,satan hath desired to have you1 ,luke xxii4 #ca1 and sometimes it would sound so loud within me1 yea1 and as it was1 call so strongly after me1 that once1 above all the rest1 ,i turned my head over my shoulder1 thinking verily that some man had behind me1 called me2 being at a great distance1 methought he called so loud3 it came1 as ,i have thought since1 to have stirred me up to prayer1 and to watchfulness3 it came to acquaint me1 that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me3 but ,i understood it not4 #id4 ,also1 as ,i remember1 that time that it called to me so loud1 was the last time that it sounded in mine ears2 but me thinks ,i hear still with what a loud voice these words1 ,simon1 ,simon1 sounded in mine ears4 ,i thought verily1 as ,i have told you1 that somebody had called after me1 that was half a mile behind me3 and although that was not my name1 yet it made me suddenly look behind me1 believing that he that called so loud1 meant me4 #ie4 ,but so foolish was ,i1 and ignorant1 that ,i knew not the reason of this sound2 7which as ,i did both see and feel soon after1 was sent from heaven as an alarm1 to awaken me to provide for what was coming17 only ,i should muse and wonder in my mind1 to think what should be the reason of this scripture1 and that at this rate1 so often and so loud1 should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears3 but1 as ,i said before1 ,i soon after perceived the end of ,god therein4 #if4 ,for1 about the space of a month after1 a very great storm came down upon me1 which handled me twenty times worse than all ,i had met with before2 it came stealing upon me1 now by one piece1 then by another3 ,first1 all my comfort was taken from me2 then darkness seized upon me2 after which1 whole floods of blasphemies1 both against ,god1 ,christ1 and the scriptures1 were poured upon my spirit1 to my great confusion and astonishment4 ,these blasphemous thoughts were such as stirred up questions in me against the very being of ,god1 and of ,his only beloved ,son3 ,as1 whether there were in truth1 a ,god or ,christ8 ,and whether the holy scriptures were not rather a fable1 and cunning story1 than the holy and pure word of ,god8 #ig4 ,the tempter would also much assault me with this1 ,how can you tell but that the ,turks had as good scriptures to prove their ,mahomet the ,saviour1 as we have to prove our ,jesus is8 ,and1 could ,i think1 that so many ten thousands1 in so many countries and kingdoms1 should be without the knowledge of the right way to heaven1 7if there were indeed a heaven72 and that we only1 who live in a corner of the earth1 should alone be blessed therewith8 ,every one doth think his own religion rightest1 both ,jews and ,moors1 and ,pagans2 and how if all our faith1 and ,christ1 and scriptures1 should be but a think so too8 #ih4 ,sometimes ,i have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions1 and to set some of the sentences of blessed ,paul against them2 but alas6 ,i quickly felt1 when ,i thus did1 such arguings as these would return again upon me1 ,though we made so great a matter of ,paul1 and of his words1 yet how could ,i tell1 but that in very deed1 he being a subtle and cunning man1 might give himself up to deceive with strong delusions3 and also take the pains and travel1 to undo and destroy his fellows4 #ii4 ,these suggestions1 7with many others which at this time ,i may not1 and dare not utter1 neither by word or pen17 did make such a seizure upon my spirit1 and did so overweigh my heart1 both with their number1 continuance1 and fiery force1 that ,i felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to night within me2 and as though indeed there could be room for nothing else2 and also concluded1 that ,god had1 in very wrath to my soul1 given me up to them1 to be carried away with them1 as with a mighty whirlwind4 #ajj4 ,only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit1 ,i felt there was something in me that refused to embrace them4 ,but this consideration ,i then only had1 when ,god gave me leave to swallow my spittle2 otherwise the noise1 and strength1 and force of these temptations would drown and overflow1 and as it were1 bury all such thoughts1 or the remembrance of any such thing4 ,while ,i was in this temptation1 ,i often found my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and swear1 or to speak some grievous thing against ,god1 or ,christ ,his ,son1 and of the scriptures4 #aja4 ,now ,i thought1 surely ,i am possessed of the devil3 at other times1 again1 ,i thought ,i should be bereft of my wits2 for instead of lauding and magnifying ,god the ,lord1 with others1 if ,i have but heard ,him spoken of1 presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt out of my heart against ,him2 so that whether ,i did think that ,god was1 or again did think there was no such thing1 no love1 nor peace1 nor gracious disposition could ,i feel within me4 #ajb4 ,these things did sink me into very deep despair2 for ,i concluded that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved ,god4 ,i often1 when these temptations had been with force upon me1 did compare myself to the case of such a child1 whom some gipsy hath by force took up in her arms1 and is carrying from friend and country4 ,kick sometimes ,i did1 and also shriek and cry2 but yet ,i was bound in the wings of the temptation1 and the wind would carry me away4 ,i thought also of ,saul1 and of the evil spirit that did possess him3 and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his4 #a ,sam4 x4 #ajc4 ,in these days1 when ,i have heard others talk of what was the sin against the ,holy ,ghost1 then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to sin that against sin1 that ,i was as if ,i could not1 must not1 neither should be quiet until ,i had committed it2 now no sin would serve but that4 ,if it were to be committed by speaking of such a word1 then ,i have been as if my mouth would have spoken that word1 whether ,i would or no2 and in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me1 that often ,i have been ready to clap my hand under my chin1 to hold my mouth from opening2 and to that end also1 ,i have had thoughts at other times1 to leap with my head downward1 into some muckhill-hole or other1 to keep my mouth from speaking4 #ajd4 ,now again ,i beheld the condition of the dog and toad1 and counted the estate of every thing that ,god had made1 far better than this dreadful state of mine1 and such as my companions were4 ,yea1 gladly would ,i have been in the condition of a dog or horse3 for ,i knew they had no souls to perish under the everlasting weight of hell1 or sin1 as mine was like to do4 ,nay1 and though ,i saw this1 felt this1 and was broken to pieces with it2 yet that which added to my sorrow was1 ,i could not find1 that with all my soul ,i did desire deliverance4 ,that scripture did also tear and rend my soul in the midst of these distractions1 ,the wicked are like the troubled sea1 when it cannot rest1 whose waters cast up mire and dirt4 ,there is no peace1 saith my ,god1 to the wicked4 ,isa4 lvii4 #bj1 #ba4 #aje4 ,and now my heart was1 at times1 exceeding hard2 if ,i would have given a thousand pounds for a tear1 ,i could not shed one3 no nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one4 ,i was much dejected1 to think that this would be my lot4 ,i saw some could mourn and lament their sin2 and others again1 could rejoice and bless ,god for ,christ2 and others again1 could quietly talk of1 and with gladness remember the word of ,god2 while ,i only was in the storm or tempest4 ,this much sunk me1 ,i thought my condition was alone1 ,i should therefore much bewail my hard hap1 but get out of1 or get rid of these things1 ,i could not4 #ajf4 ,while this temptation lasted1 which was about a year1 ,i could attend upon none of the ordinances of ,god1 but with sore and great affliction4 ,yea1 then ,i was most distressed with blasphemies4 ,if ,i had been hearing the word1 then uncleanness1 blasphemies and despair would hold me a captive there3 if ,i have been reading1 then sometimes ,i had sudden thoughts to question all ,i read3 sometimes again1 my mind would be so strangely snatched away1 and possessed with other things1 that ,i have neither known1 nor regarded1 nor remembered so much as the sentence that but now ,i have read4 #ajg4 ,in prayer also ,i have been greatly troubled at this time2 sometimes ,i have thought ,i have felt him behind me pulling my clothes3 he would be also continually at me in time of prayer1 to have done1 break off1 make haste1 you have prayed enough1 and stay no longer2 still drawing my mind away4 ,sometimes also he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these2 that ,i must pray to him1 or for him3 ,i have thought sometimes of that1 ,fall down2 or1 if thou wilt fall down and worship me4 ,matt4 iii4 #i4 #ajh4 ,also1 when because ,i have had wandering thoughts in the time of this duty1 ,i have laboured to compose my mind1 and fix it upon ,god2 then with great force hath the tempter laboured to distract me1 and confound me1 and to turn away my mind1 by presenting to my heart and fancy1 the form of a bush1 a bull1 a besom1 or the like1 as if ,i should pray to these3 ,to these he would also 7at sometimes especially7 so hold my mind1 that ,i was as if ,i could think of nothing else1 or pray to nothing else but to these1 or such as they4 #aji4 ,yet at times ,i should have some strong and heart-affecting apprehensions of ,god1 and the reality of the truth of ,his gospel4 ,but1 oh6 how would my heart1 at such times1 put forth itself with unexpressible groanings4 ,my whole soul was then in every word2 ,i should cry with pangs after ,god1 that ,he would be merciful unto me2 but then ,i should be daunted again with such conceits as these3 ,i should think that ,god did mock at these my prayers1 saying1 and that in the audience of the holy angels1 ,this poor simple wretch doth hanker after ,me1 as if ,i had nothing to do with ,my mercy1 but to bestow it on such as he4 ,alas1 poor soul6 how art thou deceived6 ,it is not for such as thee to have favour with the ,highest4 #aaj4 ,then hath the tempter come upon me1 also1 with such discouragements as these3 ,you are very hot for mercy1 but ,i will cool you2 this frame shall not last always3 many have been as hot as you for a spurt1 but ,i have quenched their zeal 7and with this1 such and such1 who were fallen off1 would be set before mine eyes74 ,then ,i should be afraid that ,i should do so too3 ,but1 thought ,i1 ,i am glad this comes into my mind3 well1 ,i will watch1 and take what care ,i can4 ,though you do1 said ,satan1 ,i shall be too hard for you2 ,i will cool you insensibly1 by degrees1 by little and little4 ,what care ,i1 saith he1 though ,i be seven years in chilling your heart1 if ,i can do it at last8 ,continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep3 ,i will ply it close1 but ,i will have my end accomplished4 ,though you be burning hot at present1 ,i can pull you from this fire2 ,i shall have you cold before it be long4 #aaa4 ,these things brought me into great straits2 for as ,i at present could not find myself fit for present death1 so ,i thought1 to live long1 would make me yet more unfit2 for time would make me forget all1 and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin1 the worth of heaven1 and the need ,i had of the blood of ,christ to wash me1 both out of mind and thought3 but ,i thank ,christ ,jesus1 these things did not at present make me slack my crying1 but rather did put me more upon it 7like her who met with adulterer1 ,deut4 xxii4 #bf71 in which days that was a good word to me1 after ,i had suffered these things a while3--,i am persuaded that neither death1 nor life1 etc41 shall be able to separate us from the love of ,god which is in ,christ ,jesus our ,lord4 ,rom4 viii4 #ch1 #ci4 ,and now ,i hoped long life would not destroy me1 nor make me miss of heaven4 #aab4 ,yet ,i had some supports in this temptation1 though they were then all questioned by me2 that in ,jer4 iii4 at the first was something to me2 and so was the consideration of verse #e of that chapter2 that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we could1 yet we should cry unto ,god1 ,my ,father1 ,thou art the ,guide of my youth1 and shall return unto ,him4 #aac4 ,i had1 also1 once a sweet glance from that in #b ,cor4 v4 #ba3 ,for ,he hath made ,him to be sin for us1 ,who knew no sin1 that we might be made the righteousness of ,god in ,him4 ,i remember that one day1 as ,i was sitting in a neighbour's house1 and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies2 and as ,i was saying in my mind1 ,what ground have ,i to say that1 who have been so vile and abominable1 should ever inherit eternal life8 ,that word came suddenly upon me1 ,what shall we say to these things8 ,if ,god be for us1 who can be against us8 ,rom4 viii4 #ca4 ,that also was an help unto me1 ,because ,i live1 ye shall live also4 ,john xiv4 #ai4 ,but these words were but hints1 touches1 and short visits1 though very sweet when present2 only they lasted not2 but1 like to ,peter's sheet1 of a sudden were caught up from me1 to heaven again4 ,acts x4 #af4 #aad4 ,but afterwards the ,lord did more fully and graciously discover ,himself unto me1 and indeed1 did quite1 not only deliver me from the guilt that1 by these things was laid upon my conscience1 but also from the very filth thereof2 for the temptation was removed1 and ,i was put into my right mind again1 as other ,christians were4 #aae4 ,i remember that one day1 as ,i was travelling into the country1 and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart1 and considering the enmity that was in me to ,god1 that scripture came into my mind1 ,having made peace through the blood of ,his cross4 ,col4 i4 #bj4 ,by which ,i was made to see1 both again and again1 that ,god and my soul were friends by ,his blood2 yea1 ,i saw that the justice of ,god1 and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other1 through ,his blood4 ,this was a good day to me2 ,i hope ,i shall never forget it4 #aaf4 ,at another time1 as ,i sat by the fire in my house1 and was musing on my wretchedness1 the ,lord made that also a precious word unto me1 ,forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood1 ,he also ,himself likewise took part of the same1 that through death ,he might destroy him that had the power of death1 that is the devil2 and deliver those who through fear of death1 were all their lifetime subject to bondage4 ,heb4 ii4 #ad1 #ae4 ,i thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me1 that ,i was both once and twice ready to swoon as ,i sate2 yet not with grief and trouble1 but with solid joy and peace4 #aag4 ,at this time also ,i sate under of holy ,mr ,gifford1 whose doctrine1 by ,god's grace1 was much for my stability4 ,this man made it much his business to deliver the people of ,god from all those false and unsound tests1 that by nature we are prone to4 ,he would bid us take special heed1 that we took not up any truth upon trust2 as from this1 or that1 or any other man or men2 but to cry mightily to ,god1 that ,he would convince us of the reality thereof1 and set us down therein by ,his own ,spirit in the holy word2 ,for1 said he1 if you do otherwise1 when temptations come1 if strongly1 you not having received them with evidence from heaven1 will find you want that help and strength now to resist1 that once you thought you had4 #aah4 ,this was as seasonable to my soul1 as the former and latter rains in their season 7for ,i had found1 and that by sad experience1 the truth of these his words3 for ,i had felt no man can say1 especially when tempted by the devil1 that ,jesus ,christ is ,lord1 but by the ,holy ,ghost74 ,wherefore ,i found my soul1 through grace1 very apt to drink in this doctrine1 and to incline to pray to ,god1 that in nothing that pertained to ,god's glory1 and my own eternal happiness1 ,he would suffer me to be without the confirmation thereof from heaven2 for now ,i saw clearly1 there was an exceeding difference betwixt the notion of the flesh and blood1 and the revelations of ,god in heaven3 also a great difference betwixt that faith that is feigned1 and according to man's wisdom1 and that which comes by a man's being born thereto of ,god4 ,matt4 xvi4 #ae2 #a ,john v4 #a4 #aai4 ,but1 oh6 now1 how was my soul led from truth to truth by ,god6 ,even from the birth and cradle of the ,son of ,god1 to ,his accession1 and second coming from heaven to judge the world6 #abj4 ,truly1 ,i then found1 upon this account1 the great ,god was very good unto me2 for1 to my remembrance1 there was not any thing that ,i then cried unto ,god to make known1 and reveal unto me1 but ,he was pleased to do it for me2 ,i mean1 not one part of the gospel of the ,lord ,jesus1 but ,i was orderly led into it3 methought ,i saw with great evidence1 from the relation of the four evangelists1 the wonderful work of ,god1 in giving ,jesus ,christ to save us1 from ,his conception and birth1 even to ,his second coming to judgment3 methought ,i was as if ,i had seen ,him born1 as if ,i had seen ,him grow up2 as if ,i had seen ,him walk through this world1 from the cradle to the cross2 to which also1 when ,he came1 ,i saw how gently ,he gave ,himself to be hanged1 and nailed on it for my sins and wicked doings4 ,also as ,i was musing on this ,his progress1 that dropped on my spirit1 ,he was ordained for the slaughter4 #a ,peter i4 #ab1 #bj4 #aba4 ,when ,i have considered also the truth of ,his resurrection1 and have remembered that word1 ,touch ,me not1 ,mary1 etc41 ,i have seen as if ,he had leaped out of the grave's mouth1 for joy that ,he was risen again1 and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes4 ,john xx4 #ag4 ,i have also in the spirit1 seen ,him a man1 on the right hand of ,god the ,father for me2 and have seen the manner of ,his coming from heaven1 to judge the world with glory1 and have been confirmed in these things by these scriptures following1 ,acts i4 #i1 #aj1 and vii4 #ef1 and x4 #db2 ,heb4 vii4 #bd and ix4 #bh2 ,rev4 i4 #ah2 #a ,thess4 iv4 #ag1 #ah4 #aab4 ,once ,i was troubled to know whether the ,lord ,jesus was man as well as ,god1 and ,god as well as man3 and truly1 in those days1 let men say what they would1 unless ,i had it with evidence from heaven1 all was nothing to me2 ,i counted myself not set down in any truth of ,god4 ,well1 ,i was much troubled about this point1 and could not tell how to be resolved2 at last1 that in ,rev4 v4 #f came into my mind3 ,and ,i beheld1 and1 to1 in the midst of the throne1 and of the four beasts1 and in the midst of the elders1 stood a ,lamb1 as it had been slain4 ,in the midst of the throne1 thought ,i1 there is the ,godhead2 in the midst of the elders1 there is ,his manhood2 but1 oh6 methought this did glister6 ,it was a goodly touch1 and gave me sweet satisfaction4 ,that other scripture also did help me much in this1 ,for unto us a ,child is born1 unto us a ,son is given2 and the government shall be upon ,his shoulder3 and ,his name shall be called ,wonderful1 ,counsellor1 the ,mighty ,god1 the ,everlasting ,father1 the ,prince of ,peace1 etc4 ,isa4 ix4 #f4 #abc4 ,also besides these teachings of ,god in ,his word1 the ,lord made use of two things to confirm me in this truth2 the one was the errors of the ,quakers and the other was the guilt of sin2 for as the ,quakers did oppose this truth1 so ,god did the more confirm me in it1 by leading me into the scripture that did wonderfully maintain it4 #abd4 ,the errors that this people then maintained1 were3-- #8#a4 ,that the holy scriptures were not the word of ,god4 #8#b4 ,that every man in the world had the spirit of ,christ1 grace1 faith1 etc4 #8#c4 ,that ,christ ,jesus1 as crucified1 and dying sixteen hundred years ago1 did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people4 #8#d4 ,that ,christ's flesh and blood were within the saints4 #8#e4 ,that the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the church-yard1 shall not arise again4 #8#f4 ,that the resurrection is past with good men already4 #8#g4 ,that that man ,jesus1 that was crucified between two thieves1 on mount ,calvary1 in the land of ,canaan1 by ,jerusalem1 was not ascended above the starry heavens4 #8#h4 ,that ,he should not1 even the same ,jesus that died by the hands of the ,jews1 come again at the last day2 and as man1 judge all nations1' etc4 #abe4 ,many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by them1 by which ,i was driven to a more narrow search of the scriptures1 and was through their light and testimony1 not only enlightened1 but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth3 ,and1 as ,i said1 the guilt of sin did help me much2 for still as that would come upon me1 the blood of ,christ did take it off again1 and again1 and again2 and that too sweetly1 according to the scripture4 ,o friends6 cry to ,god to reveal ,jesus ,christ unto you2 there is none teacheth like ,him4 #abf4 ,it would be too long here to stay1 to tell you in particular1 how ,god did set me down in all the things of ,christ1 and how ,he did1 that ,he might so do1 lead me into ,his words2 yea1 and also how ,he did open them unto me1 and make them shine before me1 and cause them to dwell with me1 talk with me1 and comfort me over and over1 both of ,his own being1 and the being of ,his ,son1 and ,spirit1 and word1 and gospel4 #abg4 ,only this1 as ,i said before1 ,i will say unto you again1 that in general1 ,he was pleased to take this course with me2 first1 to suffer me to be afflicted with temptations concerning them1 and then reveal them unto me2 as sometimes ,i should lie under great guilt for sin1 even crushed to the ground therewith2 and then the ,lord would show me the death of ,christ2 yea1 so sprinkle my conscience with ,his blood1 that ,i should find1 and that before ,i was aware1 that in that conscience1 where but just now did reign and rage the law1 even there would rest and abide the peace and love of ,god1 through ,christ4 #abh4 ,now ,i had an evidence1 as ,i thought1 of my salvation1 from heaven1 with many golden seals thereon1 all hanging in my sight4 ,now could ,i remember this manifestation1 and the other discovery of grace1 with comfort2 and should often long and desire that the last day were come1 that ,i might be for ever inflamed with the sight1 and joy1 and communion of ,him1 ,whose head was crowned with thorns1 ,whose face was spit upon1 and body broken1 and soul made an offering for my sins4 ,for whereas before ,i lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell1 now methought ,i was got so far therefrom1 that ,i could not1 when ,i looked back1 scarce discern it6 ,and oh6 thought ,i1 that ,i were fourscore years old now1 that ,i might die quickly1 that my soul might be gone to rest4 #abi4 ,but before ,i had got thus far out of these my temptations1 ,i did greatly long to see some ancient godly man's experience1 who had writ some hundreds of years before ,i was born2 for those who had writ in our days1 ,i thought 7but ,i desire them now to pardon me7 that they had writ only that which others felt2 or else had1 through the strength of their wits and parts1 studied to answer such objections as they perceived others were perplexed with1 without going down themselves into the deep4 ,well1 after many such longings in my mind1 the ,god1 in ,whose hands are all our days and ways1 did cast into my hand 7one day7 a book of ,martin ,luther's2 it was his ,comment on the ,galatians2 it also was so old1 that it was ready to fall piece from piece if ,i did but turn it over4 ,now ,i was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hand1 the which when ,i had but a little way perused1 ,i found my condition in his experience so largely and profoundly handled1 as if his book had been written out of my heart4 ,this made me marvel3 for thus thought ,i1 ,this man could not know any thing of the state of ,christians now1 but must needs write and speak the experience of former days4 #acj4 ,besides1 he doth most gravely also in that book1 debate of the rise of these temptations1 namely1 blasphemy1 desperation1 and the like2 showing that the law of ,moses1 as well as the devil1 death1 and hell1 hath a very great hand therein3 the which1 at first1 was very strange to me2 but considering and watching1 ,i found it so indeed4 ,but of particulars here1 ,i intend nothing2 only this methinks ,i must let fall before all men--,i do prefer this book of ,martin ,luther upon the ,galatians 7excepting the ,holy ,bible7 before all the books that ever ,i had seen1 as most fit for a wounded conscience4 #aca4 ,and now ,i found1 as ,i thought1 that ,i loved ,christ dearly3 ,oh6 methought my soul cleaved unto ,him1 my affections cleaved unto ,him2 ,i felt love to ,him as hot as fire2 and now1 as ,job said1 ,i thought ,i should die in my nest2 but ,i did quickly find1 that my great love was but little2 and that ,i1 who had1 as ,i thought1 such burning love to ,jesus ,christ1 could let ,him go again for a very trifle1--,god can tell how to abase us1 and can hide pride from man4 ,quickly after this my love was tried to purpose4 #acb4 ,for after the ,lord had1 in this manner1 thus graciously delivered me from this great and sore temptation1 and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of ,his holy gospel1 and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven1 touching my interest in ,his love through ,christ2 the tempter came upon me again1 and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before4 #acc4 ,and that was1 ,to sell and part with this most blessed ,christ1 to exchange ,him for the things of this life1 for any thing4 ,the temptation lay upon me for the space of a year1 and did follow me so continually1 that ,i was not rid of it one day in a month3 no1 not sometimes one hour in many days together1 unless when ,i was asleep4 #acd4 ,and though1 in my judgment1 ,i was persuaded1 that those who were once effectually in ,christ 7as ,i hoped1 through ,his grace1 ,i had seen myself7 could never lose ,him for ever2 ,the land shall not be sold for ever1 for the land is mine1 saith ,god4 ,lev4 xxv4 #bc4 ,yet it was a continual vexation to me1 to think that ,i should have so much as one such thought within me against a ,christ1 a ,jesus1 that had done for me as ,he had done2 and yet then ,i had almost none others1 but such blasphemous ones4 #ace4 ,but it was neither my dislike of the thought1 nor yet any desire and endeavour to resist1 that in the least did shake or abate the continuation or force and strength thereof2 for it did always1 in almost whatever ,i thought1 intermix itself therewith1 in such sort1 that ,i could neither eat my food1 stoop for a pin1 chop a stick1 or cast mine eye to look on this or that1 but still the temptation would come1 ,sell ,christ for this1 or sell ,christ for that2 sell ,him1 sell ,him4 #acf4 ,sometimes it would run in my thoughts1 not so little as a hundred times together1 ,sell ,him1 sell ,him1 sell ,him3 against which1 ,i may say1 for whole hours together1 ,i have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it1 lest haply1 before ,i were aware1 some wicked thought might arise in my heart1 that might consent thereto2 and sometimes the tempter would make me believe ,i had consented to it2 but then ,i should be1 as tortured upon a rack for whole days together4 #acg4 ,this temptation did put me to such scares1 lest ,i should at some times1 ,i say1 consent thereto1 and be overcome therewith1 that by the very force of my mind1 in labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness1 my very body would be put into action or motion1 by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows2 still answering1 as fast as the destroyer said1 ,sell ,him2 ,i will not1 ,i will not1 ,i will not1 ,i will not2 no1 not for thousands1 thousands1 thousands of worlds3 thus reckoning1 lest ,i should1 in the midst of these assaults1 set too low a value on ,him2 even until ,i scarce well knew where ,i was1 or how to be composed again4 #ach4 ,at these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet2 but1 forsooth1 when ,i was set at the table at my meat1 ,i must go hence to pray2 ,i must leave my food now1 just now1 so counterfeit holy also would this devil be4 ,when ,i was thus tempted1 ,i would say in myself1 ,now ,i am at meat2 let me make an end4 ,no1 said he1 you must do it now1 or you will displease ,god1 and despise ,christ4 ,wherefore ,i was much afflicted with these things2 and because of the sinfulness of my nature 7imagining that these were impulses from ,god71 ,i should deny to do it1 as if ,i denied ,god1 and then should ,i be as guilty1 because ,i did not obey a temptation of the devil1 as if ,i had broken the law of ,god indeed4 #aci4 ,but to be brief3 one morning as ,i did lie in my bed1 ,i was1 as at other times1 most fiercely assaulted with this temptation1 ,to sell and part with ,christ2 the wicked suggestion still running in my mind1 ,sell ,him1 sell ,him1 sell ,him1 sell ,him1 sell ,him1 as fast as a man could speak3 against which also1 in my mind1 as at other times1 ,i answered1 ,no1 no1 not for thousands1 thousands1 thousands1 at least twenty times together3 but at last1 after much striving1 even until ,i was almost out of breath1 ,i felt this thought pass through my heart1 ,let ,him go1 if ,he will2 and ,i thought also1 that ,i felt my heart freely consent thereto4 ,oh6 the diligence of ,satan6 ,oh6 the desperateness of man's heart6 #adj4 ,now was the battle won1 and down fell ,i as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree1 into great guilt1 and fearful despair4 ,thus getting out of my bed1 ,i went moping into the field2 but ,god knows1 with as heavy a heart as mortal man1 ,i think1 could bear2 where for the space of two hours1 ,i was like a man bereft of life2 and1 as now1 past all recovery1 and bound over to eternal punishment4 #ada4 ,and withal1 that scripture did seize upon my soul3 ,or profane persons as ,esau1 who for one morsel of meat1 sold his birthright3 for ye know1 how that afterward1 when he would have inherited the blessing1 he was rejected2 for he found no place of repentance1 though he sought it carefully with tears4 ,heb4 xii4 #af1 #ag4 #adb4 ,now was ,i as one bound1 ,i felt myself shut up unto the judgment to come2 nothing now1 for two years together1 would abide with me1 but damnation1 and an expectation of damnation3 ,i say1 nothing now would abide with me but this1 save some few moments for relief1 as in the sequel you will see4 #adc4 ,these words were to my soul1 like fetters of brass to my legs1 in the continual sound of which ,i went for several months together4 ,but about ten or eleven o'clock on that day1 as ,i was walking under an hedge 7full of sorrow and guilt1 ,god knows71 and bemoaning myself for this hard hap1 that such a thought should arise within me1 suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me1 ,the blood of ,christ remits all guilt4 ,at this ,i made a stand in my spirit3 with that this word took hold upon me1 ,the blood of ,jesus ,christ ,his ,son1 cleanseth us from all sin4 #a ,john i4 #g4 #add4 ,now ,i began to conceive peace in my soul1 and methought ,i saw1 as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me1 as being ashamed of what he had done4 ,at the same time also ,i had my sin1 and the blood of ,christ1 thus represented to me1 ,that my sin1 when compared to the blood of ,christ1 was no more to it1 than this little clod or stone before me1 is to this vast and wide field that here ,i see4 ,this gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours2 in which time also1 methought1 ,i saw1 by faith1 the ,son of ,god1 as suffering for my sins3 but because it tarried not1 ,i therefore sunk in my spirit1 under exceeding guilt again4 #ade4 ,but chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning ,esau's selling of his birthright2 for that scripture would lie all day long1 all the week long1 yea1 all the year long in my mind1 and hold me down1 so that ,i could by no means lift up myself2 for when ,i would strive to turn to this scripture or that1 for relief1 still that sentence would be sounding in me2 ,for ye know1 how that afterwards1 when he would have inherited the blessing1 he found no place of repentance1 though he sought it carefully with tears4 #adf4 ,sometimes1 indeed1 ,i should have a touch from that in ,luke xxii4 #ca1 ,i have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not2 but it would not abide upon me2 neither could ,i1 indeed1 when ,i considered my state1 find ground to conceive in the least1 that there should be the root of that grace in me1 having sinned as ,i had done4 ,now was ,i tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together4 #adg4 ,then began ,i with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin1 and to search into the word of ,god1 if ,i could in any place espy a word of promise1 or any encouraging sentence1 by which ,i might take relief4 ,wherefore ,i began to consider that of ,mark iii4 #bh3 ,all sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men1 and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme4 ,which place1 methought at a blush1 did contain a large and glorious promise for the pardon of high offences2 but considering the place more fully1 ,i thought it was rather to be understood1 as relating more chiefly to those who had1 while in a natural estate1 committed such things as there are mentioned2 but not to me1 who had not only received light and mercy1 but that had both after1 and also contrary to that1 so slighted ,christ as ,i had done4 #adh4 ,i feared1 therefore1 that this wicked sin of mine1 might be that sin unpardonable1 of which ,he there thus speaketh4 ,but he that shall blaspheme against the ,holy ,ghost1 hath never forgiveness1 but is in danger of eternal damnation4 ,mark iii4 #bi4 ,and ,i did the rather give credit to this1 because of that sentence in the ,hebrews3 ,for you know how that afterwards1 when he would have inherited the blessing1 he was rejected2 for he found no place of repentance1 though he sought it carefully with tears4 ,and this stuck always with me4 #adi4 ,and now was ,i both a burthen and a terror to myself2 nor did ,i ever so know1 as now1 what it was to be weary of my life1 and yet afraid to die4 ,oh6 how gladly now would ,i have been anybody but myself6 anything but a man1 and in any condition but my own6 ,for there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind1 than that it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression1 and to be saved from the wrath to come4 #aej4 ,and now ,i began to call again time that was spent2 wishing a thousand times twice told1 that the day was yet to come when ,i should be tempted to such a sin2 concluding with great indignation1 both against my heart1 and all assaults1 how ,i would rather have been torn in pieces1 than be found a consenter thereto4 ,but alas6 these thoughts1 and wishings1 and resolvings were now too late to help me2 this thought had passed my heart1 ,god hath let me go1 and ,i am fallen4 ,oh6 thought ,i1 that it were with me as in months past1 as in the days when ,god preserved me6 ,job xxix4 #b4 #aea4 ,then again1 being loth and unwilling to perish1 ,i began to compare my sin with others to see if ,i could find that any of those that were saved1 had done as ,i had done4 ,so ,i considered ,david's adultery1 and murder1 and found them most heinous crimes2 and those too committed after light and grace received3 but yet by considering that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of ,moses1 from which the ,lord ,christ could1 with the consent of ,his word1 deliver him3 but mine was against the gospel2 yea1 against the ,mediator thereof2 ,i had sold my ,saviour4 #aeb4 ,now again should ,i be as if racked upon the wheel1 when ,i considered1 that1 besides the guilt that possessed me1 ,i should be so void of grace1 so bewitched4 ,what1 thought ,i1 must it be no sin but this8 ,must it needs be the great transgression8 ,ps4 xix4 #ac4 ,must that wicked one touch my soul8 #a ,john v4 #ah4 ,oh6 what sting did ,i find in all these sentences8 #aec4 ,what1 thought ,i1 is there but one sin that is unpardonable8 but one sin that layeth the soul without the reach of ,god's mercy2 and must ,i be guilty of that8 must it needs be that8 ,is there but one sin among so many millions of sins1 for which there is no forgiveness2 and must ,i commit this8 ,oh6 unhappy sin6 ,oh6 unhappy man6 ,these things would so break and confound my spirit1 that ,i could not tell what to do2 ,i thought at times1 they would have broke my wits2 and still1 to aggravate my misery1 that would run in my mind1 ,you know1 how1 that afterwards1 when he would have inherited the blessing1 he was rejected4 ,oh6 no one knows the terrors of those days but myself4 #aed4 ,after this ,i began to consider of ,peter's sin1 which he committed in denying his ,master3 and indeed1 this came nighest to mine of any that ,i could find1 for he had denied his ,saviour1 as ,i1 after light and mercy received2 yea1 and that too1 after warning given him4 ,i also considered1 that he did it both once and twice2 and that1 after time to consider betwixt4 ,but though ,i put all these circumstances together1 that1 if possible ,i might find help1 yet ,i considered again1 that his was but a denial of his ,master1 but mine was1 a selling of my ,saviour4 ,wherefore ,i thought with myself1 that ,i came nearer to ,judas1 than either to ,david or ,peter4 #aee4 ,here again my torment would flame out and afflict me2 yea1 it would grind me1 as it were to powder1 to consider the preservation of ,god towards others1 while ,i fell into the snare2 for in my thus considering of other men's sins1 and comparing them with mine own1 ,i could evidently see1 ,god preserved them1 notwithstanding their wickedness1 and would not let them1 as ,he had let me1 become a son of perdition4 #aef4 ,but oh6 how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that ,god did set about ,his people6 ,ah1 how safely did ,i see them walk1 whom ,god had hedged in6 ,they were within ,his care1 protection1 and special providence3 though they were full as bad as ,i by nature2 yet because ,he loved them1 ,he would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy3 but as for me1 ,i was gone1 ,i had done it3 ,he would not preserve me1 nor keep me2 but suffered me1 because ,i was a reprobate1 to fall as ,i had done4 ,now did those blessed places that speak of ,god's keeping ,his people1 shine like the sun before me1 though not to comfort me1 yet to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the ,lord had blessed4 #aeg4 ,now ,i saw1 that as ,god had ,his hand in all the providences and dispensations that overtook ,his elect2 so ,he had ,his hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against ,him2 not to animate them to wickedness1 but to choose their temptations and troubles for them2 and also to leave them for a time1 to such sins only that might not destroy1 but humble them2 as might not put them beyond1 but lay them in the way of the renewing ,his mercy4 ,but oh6 what love1 what care1 what kindness and mercy did ,i now see1 mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of all ,god's ways to ,his people6 ,he would let ,david1 ,hezekiah1 ,solomon1 ,peter1 and others1 fall2 but ,he would not let them fall into sin unpardonable1 nor into hell for sin4 ,oh6 thought ,i1 these be the men that ,god hath loved2 these be the men that ,god1 though ,he chastiseth them1 keeps them in safety by ,him2 and them whom ,he makes to abide under the shadow of the ,almighty4 ,but all these thoughts added sorrow1 grief1 and horror to me1 as whatever ,i now thought on1 it was killing to me4 ,if ,i thought how ,god kept ,his own1 that was killing to me2 if ,i thought of how ,i was fallen myself1 that was killing to me4 ,as all things wrought together for the best1 and to do good to them that were the called1 according to ,his purpose1 so ,i thought that all things wrought for my damage1 and for my eternal overthrow4 #aeh4 ,then again ,i began to compare my sin with the sin of ,judas1 that1 if possible1 ,i might find if mine differed from that1 which in truth is unpardonable3 and oh6 thought ,i1 if it should differ from it1 though but the breadth of an hair1 what a happy condition is my soul in6 ,and by considering1 ,i found that ,judas did this intentionally1 but mine was against my prayer and strivings3 besides1 his was committed with much deliberation1 but mine in a fearful hurry1 on a sudden3 all this while ,i was tossed to and fro like the locusts1 and driven from trouble to sorrow2 hearing always the sound of ,esau's fall in mine ears1 and the dreadful consequences thereof4 #aei4 ,yet this consideration about ,judas's sin was1 for awhile1 some little relief to me2 for ,i saw ,i had not1 as to the circumstances1 transgressed so fully as he4 ,but this was quickly gone again1 for ,i thought with myself1 there might be more ways than one to commit this unpardonable sin2 also ,i thought there might be degrees of that1 as well as of other transgressions2 wherefore1 for aught ,i yet could perceive1 this iniquity of mine might be such1 as might never be passed by4 #afj4 ,i was often now ashamed that ,i should be like such an ugly man as ,judas3 ,i thought also how loathsome ,i should be unto all the saints at the day of judgment3 insomuch that now ,i could scarce see a good man1 that ,i believed had a good conscience1 but ,i should feel my heart tremble at him1 while ,i was in his presence4 ,oh6 now ,i saw a glory in walking with ,god1 and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before ,him4 #afa4 ,i was much about that time tempted to content myself by receiving some false opinion2 as1 that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment2 that we should not rise again2 and that sin was no such grievous thing3 the tempter suggesting thus3 ,for if these things should indeed be true1 yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for the present4 ,if you must perish1 never torment yourself so much beforehand3 drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind1 by possessing your mind with some such conclusions that ,atheists and ,ranters use to help themselves withal4 #afb4 ,but oh6 when such thoughts have led through my heart1 how1 as it were1 within a step1 hath death and judgment been in my view6 methought the judge stood at the door2 ,i was as if it was come already2 so that such things could have no entertainment4 ,but methinks1 ,i see by this1 that ,satan will use any means to keep the soul from ,christ2 he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit2 security1 blindness1 darkness1 and error1 is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one4 #afc4 ,i found it a hard work now to pray to ,god1 because despair was swallowing me up2 ,i thought ,i was as with a tempest driven away from ,god2 for always when ,i cried to ,god for mercy1 this would come in1 ',tis too late1 ,i am lost1 ,god hath let me fall2 not to my correction1 but condemnation3 my sin is unpardonable2 and ,i know1 concerning ,esau1 how that after he had sold his birthright1 he would have received the blessing1 but was rejected4 ,about this time ,i did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal ,francis ,spira2 a book that was to my troubled spirit1 as salt1 when rubbed into a fresh wound3 every sentence in that book1 every groan of that man1 with all the rest of his actions in his dolours1 as his tears1 his prayers1 his gnashing of teeth1 his wringing of hands1 his twining and twisting1 and languishing1 and pining away under that mighty hand of ,god that was upon him1 were as knives and daggers in my soul2 especially that sentence of his was frightful to me1 ,man knows the beginning of sin8 but who bounds the issues thereof8 ,then would the former sentence1 as the conclusion of all1 fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience2 ,for you know how that afterwards1 when he would have inherited the blessing1 he was rejected2 for he found no place of repentance1 though he sought it carefully with tears4 #afd4 ,then should ,i be struck into a very great trembling1 insomuch that at sometimes ,i could1 for whole days together1 feel my very body1 as well as my mind1 to shake and totter under the sense of this dreadful judgment of ,god1 that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin4 ,i felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach1 by reason of this my terror1 that ,i was1 especially at some times1 as if my breast-bone would split asunder2 then ,i thought of that concerning ,judas1 who by falling headlong1 he burst asunder in the midst1 and all his bowels gushed out4 ,acts i4 #ah4 #afe4 ,i feared also that this was the mark that the ,lord did set on ,cain1 even continual fear and trembling1 under the heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother ,abel4 ,thus did ,i wind1 and twine1 and shrink under the burthen that was upon me2 which burthen also did so oppress me1 that ,i could neither stand1 nor go1 nor lie1 either at rest or quiet4 #aff4 ,yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind1 ,he hath received gifts for the rebellious4 ,psalm lxviii4 #ah4 ,the rebellious1 thought ,i6 why surely they are such as once were under subjection to their ,prince2 even those who after they have sworn subjection to ,his government1 have taken up arms against ,him2 and this1 thought ,i1 is my very condition3 ,i once loved ,him1 feared ,him1 served ,him2 but now ,i am a rebel2 ,i have sold ,him1 ,i have said1 ,let ,him go1 if ,he will2 but yet ,he has gifts for rebels2 and then why not for me8 #afg4 ,this sometimes ,i thought on1 and should labour to take hold thereof1 that some1 though small refreshment1 might have been conceived by me2 but in this also ,i missed of my desire2 ,i was driven with force beyond it2 ,i was like a man going to execution1 even by that place where he would fain creep in and hide himself1 but may not4 #afh4 ,again1 after ,i had thus considered the sins of the saints in particular1 and found mine went beyond them1 then ,i began to think with myself1 ,set the case ,i should put all theirs together1 and mine alone against them1 might ,i not then find some encouragement8 for if mine1 though bigger than any one1 yet should be but equal to all1 then there is hopes2 for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away all theirs1 had virtue enough in it to do away mine1 though this one be full as big1 if not bigger than all theirs4 ,here again1 ,i should consider the sin of ,david1 of ,solomon1 of ,manasseh1 of ,peter1 and the rest of the great offenders2 and should also labour1 what ,i might with fairness1 to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances4 #afi4 ,i should think with myself that ,david shed blood to cover his adultery1 and that by the sword of the children of ,ammon2 a work that could not be done1 but by continuance1 deliberate contrivance1 which was a great aggravation to his sin4 ,but then this would turn upon me3 ,ah6 but these were but sins against the law1 from which there was a ,jesus sent to save them2 but yours is a sin against the ,saviour1 and who shall save you from that8 #agj4 ,then ,i thought on ,solomon1 and how he sinned in loving strange women1 falling away to their idols1 in building them temples1 in doing this after light1 in his old age1 after great mercy received3 but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration1 cut me off as to this2 namely1 that all those were but sins against the law1 for which ,god had provided a remedy2 but ,i had sold my ,saviour1 and there remained no more sacrifice for sin4 #aga4 ,i would then add to these men's sins1 the sins of ,manasseh2 how that he built altars for idols in the house of the ,lord2 he also observed times1 used enchantments1 had to do with wizards1 was a wizard1 had his familiar spirits1 burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils1 and made the streets of ,jerusalem run down with the blood of innocents4 ,these1 thought ,i1 are great sins1 sins of a bloody colour1 but yet it would turn again upon me1 ,they are none of them of the nature of yours2 you have parted with ,jesus1 you have sold your ,saviour4 #agb4 ,this one consideration would always kill my heart1 my sin was point blank against my ,saviour2 and that too1 at that height1 that ,i had in my heart said of ,him1 ,let ,him go1 if ,he will4 ,oh6 methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country1 of a kingdom1 or of the whole world1 no one pardonable2 nor all of them together1 was able to equal mine2 mine out-went them every one4 #agc4 ,now ,i should find my mind to flee from ,god1 as from the face of a dreadful judge1 yet this was my torment1 ,i could not escape ,his hand3 7,it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living ,god4 ,hebrew x47 ,but1 blessed be ,his grace1 that scripture1 in these flying fits1 would call1 as running after me1 ,i have blotted out1 as a thick cloud1 thy transgressions2 and as a cloud1 thy sins3 return unto ,me1 for ,i have redeemed thee4 ,isaiah xliv4 #bb4 ,this1 ,i say1 would come in upon my mind1 when ,i was fleeing from the face of ,god2 for ,i did flee from ,his face2 that is1 my mind and spirit fled before ,him2 by reason of ,his highness1 ,i could not endure3 then would the text cry1 ,return unto ,me2 it would cry aloud with a very great voice1 ,return unto ,me1 for ,i have redeemed thee4 ,indeed1 this would make me make a little stop1 and1 as it were1 look over my shoulder behind me1 to see if ,i could discern that the ,god of grace did follow me with a pardon in ,his hand2 but ,i could no sooner do that1 but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence1 ,for you know1 how that afterwards1 when he would have inherited the blessing1 he found no place of repentance1 though he sought it carefully with tears4 ,wherefore ,i could not refrain1 but fled1 though at some times it cried1 ,return1 return1 as if it did hollow after me3 but ,i feared to close in therewith1 lest it should not come from ,god2 for that other1 as ,i said1 was still sounding in my conscience1 ,for you know that afterwards1 when he would have inherited the blessing1 he was rejected1 etc4 #agd4 ,once as ,i was walking to and fro in a good man's shop1 bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state1 afflicting myself with self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought2 lamenting also this hard hap of mine for that ,i should commit so great a sin1 greatly fearing that ,i should not be pardoned2 praying also in my heart1 that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the ,holy ,ghost1 the ,lord would show it me4 ,and being now ready to sink with fear1 suddenly there was1 as if there had rushed in at the window1 the noise of wind upon me1 but very pleasant1 and as if ,i heard a voice speaking1 ,did'st thou ever refuse to be justified by the blood of ,christ8 and withal1 my whole life of profession past1 was in a moment opened to me1 wherein ,i was made to see1 that designedly ,i had not3 so my heart answered groaningly1 ,no4 ,then fell1 with power1 that word of ,god upon me1 ,see that ye refuse not ,him that speaketh4 ,hebrew xii4 #be4 ,this made a strange seizure upon my spirit2 it brought light with it1 and commanded a silence in my heart1 of all those tumultuous thoughts1 that did before use1 like masterless hell-hounds1 to roar and bellow1 and make an hideous noise within me4 ,it showed me also that ,jesus ,christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for me1 that ,he had not1 as ,i had feared1 quite forsaken and cast off my soul2 yea1 this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation2 a kind of threatening of me1 if ,i did not1 notwithstanding my sins1 and the heinousness of them1 venture my salvation upon the ,son of ,god4 ,but as to my determining about this strange dispensation1 what it was1 ,i know not2 or from whence it came1 ,i know not2 ,i have not yet in twenty years' time been able to make a judgment of it2 ,i thought then what here ,i should be loth to speak4 ,but verily that sudden rushing wind was1 as if an angel had come upon me2 but both it1 and the salutation1 ,i will leave until the day of judgment3 only this ,i say1 it commanded a great calm in my soul2 it persuaded me there might be hope3 it showed me1 as ,i thought1 what the sin unpardonable was1 and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to ,jesus ,christ for mercy4 ,but ,i say1 concerning this dispensation2 ,i know not yet what to say unto it2 which was also1 in truth1 the cause1 that at first ,i did not speak of it in the book2 ,i do now also leave it to be thought on by men of sound judgment4 ,i lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon1 but upon the ,lord ,jesus1 in the promise2 yet seeing ,i am here unfolding of my secret things1 ,i thought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this also show itself1 though ,i cannot now relate the matter as there ,i did experience it4 ,this lasted in the savour of it for about three or four days1 and then ,i began to mistrust1 and to despair again4 #age4 ,wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me1 not knowing which way ,i should tip2 only this ,i found my soul desire1 even to cast itself at the foot of grace1 by prayer and supplication4 ,but oh6 'twas hard for me now1 to have the face to pray to this ,christ for mercy1 against ,whom ,i had thus most vilely sinned3 'twas hard work1 ,i say1 to offer to look ,him in the face1 against ,whom ,i had so vilely sinned2 and indeed1 ,i have found it as difficult to come to ,god by prayer1 after backsliding from ,him1 as to do any other thing4 ,oh6 the shame that did now attend me6 especially when ,i thought1 ,i am now a-going to pray to ,him for mercy1 that ,i had so lightly esteemed but a while before6 ,i was ashamed2 yea1 even confounded1 because this villany had been committed by me3 but ,i saw that there was but one way with me2 ,i must go to ,him1 and humble myself unto ,him1 and beg that ,he1 of ,his wonderful mercy1 would show pity to me1 and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul4 #agf4 ,which1 when the tempter perceived1 he strongly suggested to me1 ,that ,i ought not to pray to ,god1 for prayer was not for any in my case2 neither could it do me good1 because ,i had rejected the ,mediator1 by ,whom all prayers came with acceptance to ,god the ,father2 and without ,whom1 no prayer could come into ,his presence3 wherefore now to pray1 is but to add sin to sin2 yea1 now to pray1 seeing ,god has cast you off1 is the next way to anger and offend ,him more than you ever did before4 #agg4 ,for ,god 7saith he7 hath been weary of you for these several years already1 because you are none of ,his2 your bawlings in ,his ears1 hath been no pleasant voice to ,him2 and therefore ,he let you sin this sin1 that you might be quite cut off2 and will you pray still8 ,this the devil urged1 and set forth that in ,numbers1 when ,moses said to the children of ,israel1 ,that because they would not go up to possess the land1 when ,god would have them1 therefore for ever after ,he did bar them out from thence1 though they prayed they might with tears4 ,numbers xiv4 #cf1 #cg1 etc4 #agh4 ,as it is said in another place1 ,exodus xxi4 #ad1 ,the man that sins presumptuously shall be taken from ,god's altar1 that he may die2 even as ,joab was by ,king ,solomon1 when he thought to find shelter there4 #a ,kings ii4 #bg1 #bh1 etc4 ,these places did pinch me very sore2 yet my case being desperate1 ,i thought with myself1 ,i can but die2 and if it must be so1 it shall once be said1 ,that such an one died at the foot of ,christ in prayer4 ,this ,i did1 but with great difficulty1 ,god doth know2 and that because1 together with this1 still that saying about ,esau would be set at my heart1 even like a flaming sword1 to keep the way of the tree of life1 lest ,i should take thereof and live4 ,oh6 who knows how hard a thing ,i found it1 to come to ,god in prayer6 #agi4 ,i did also desire the prayers of the people of ,god for me1 but ,i feared that ,god would give them no heart to do it2 yea ,i trembled in my soul to think1 that some or other of them would shortly tell me1 that ,god hath said those words to them1 that ,he once did say to the prophet concerning the children of ,israel1 ,pray not for this people1 for ,i have rejected them4 ,jeremiah xi4 #ad4 ,so1 ,pray not for him1 for ,i have rejected him1 yea1 ,i thought that ,he had whispered this to some of them already1 only they durst not tell me so2 neither durst ,i ask them of it1 for fear if it should be so1 it would make me quite beside myself3 ,man knows the beginning of sin 7said ,spira71 but who bounds the issues thereof8 #ahj4 ,about this time ,i took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient ,christian1 and told him all my case3 ,i told him also1 that ,i was afraid that ,i had sinned the sin against the ,holy ,ghost2 and he told me1 ,he thought so too4 ,here therefore ,i had but cold comfort2 but talking a little more with him1 ,i found him1 though a good man1 a stranger to much combat with the devil4 ,wherefore ,i went to ,god again1 as well as ,i could1 for mercy still4 ,picture3 ,bunyan seeks ,comfort #aha4 ,now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery1 saying1 ,that seeing ,i had thus parted with the ,lord ,jesus1 and provoked ,him to displeasure1 ,who would have stood between my soul and the flame of devouring fire1 there was now but one way2 and that was1 to pray that ,god the ,father would be a ,mediator betwixt ,his ,son and me2 that we might be reconciled again1 and that ,i might have that blessed benefit in ,him1 that ,his blessed saints enjoyed4 #ahb4 ,then did that scripture seize upon my soul1 ,he is of one mind1 and who can turn ,him6 ,oh6 ,i saw1 it was as easy to persuade ,him to make a new world1 a new covenant1 or a new ,bible1 besides that we have already1 as to pray for such a thing4 ,this was to persuade ,him1 that what ,he had done already was mere folly1 and persuade ,him to alter1 yea1 to disannul the whole way of salvation4 ,and then would that saying rend my soul asunder2 ,neither is there salvation in any other2 for there is none other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved4 ,acts iv4 #ab4 #ahc4 ,now the most free1 and full and gracious words of the gospel1 were the greatest torment to me2 yea1 nothing so afflicted me1 as the thoughts of ,jesus ,christ1 the remembrance of a ,saviour2 because ,i had cast ,him off1 brought forth the villany of my sin1 and my loss by it1 to mind2 nothing did twinge my conscience like this3 every time that ,i thought of the ,lord ,jesus1 of ,his grace1 love1 goodness1 kindness1 gentleness1 meekness1 death1 blood1 promises1 and blessed exhortations1 comforts1 and consolations1 it went to my soul like a sword2 for still unto these my considerations of the ,lord ,jesus1 these thoughts would make place for themselves in my heart3 ,aye1 this is the ,jesus1 the loving ,saviour1 the ,son of ,god1 ,whom you have parted with1 ,whom you have slighted1 despised1 and abused4 ,this is the only ,saviour1 the only ,redeemer1 the only ,one that could so love sinners1 as to wash them from their sins in ,his own most precious blood2 but you have no part nor lot in this ,jesus3 you have put ,him from you2 you have said in your heart1 ,let ,him go1 if ,he will4 ,now1 therefore1 you are severed from ,him2 you have severed yourself from ,him3 behold then ,his goodness1 but yourself to be no partaker of it4 ,oh6 thought ,i1 what have ,i lost1 what have ,i parted with6 ,what has disinherited my poor soul6 ,oh6 'tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of ,god2 to have the ,lamb1 the ,saviour1 turn lion and destroyer4 ,rev4 vi4 ,i also trembled1 as ,i have said1 at the sight of the saints of ,god1 especially at those that greatly loved ,him1 and that made it their business to walk continually with ,him in this world2 for they did1 both in their words1 their carriages1 and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious ,saviour1 condemn1 lay guilt upon1 and also add continual affliction and shame upon my soul4 ,the dread of them was upon me1 and ,i trembled at ,god's ,samuels4 #a ,sam4 xvi4 #d4 #ahd4 ,now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way1 saying1 ,that ,christ indeed did pity my case1 and was sorry for my loss2 but forasmuch as ,i had sinned and transgressed as ,i had done1 ,he could by no means help me1 nor save me from what ,i feared3 for my sin was not of the nature of theirs1 for ,whom ,he bled and died2 neither was it counted with those that were laid to ,his charge1 when ,he hanged on a tree3 therefore1 unless ,he should come down from heaven1 and die anew for this sin1 though indeed ,he did greatly pity me1 yet ,i could have no benefit of ,him4 ,these things may seem ridiculous to others1 even as ridiculous as they were in themselves1 but to me they were most tormenting cogitations3 every one of them augmented my misery1 that ,jesus ,christ should have so much love as to pity me1 when yet ,he could not help me2 nor did ,i think that the reason why ,he could not help me1 was1 because ,his merits were weak1 or ,his grace and salvation spent on others already1 but because ,his faithfulness to ,his threatening1 would not let ,him extend ,his mercy to me4 ,besides1 ,i thought1 as ,i have already hinted1 that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon1 that was wrapped up in a promise2 and if not1 then ,i knew assuredly1 that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away1 than for me to have eternal life4 ,so that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief ,i had of the stability of the holy word of ,god1 and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin4 #ahe4 ,but oh6 how this would add to my affliction1 to conceit that ,i should be guilty of such a sin1 for which ,he did not die4 ,these thoughts would so confound me1 and imprison me1 and tie me up from faith1 that ,i knew not what to do4 ,but oh6 thought ,i1 that ,he would come down again6 ,oh6 that the work of man's redemption was yet to be done by ,christ6 how would ,i pray ,him and entreat ,him to count and reckon this sin among the rest for which ,he died6 ,but this scripture would strike me down as dead2 ,christ being raised from the dead1 dieth no more2 death hath no more dominion over ,him4 ,rom4 vi4 #i4 #ahf4 ,thus1 by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter1 my soul was like a broken vessel1 driven as with the winds1 and tossed sometimes headlong into despair2 sometimes upon the covenant of works1 and sometimes to wish that the new covenant1 and the conditions thereof1 might so far forth1 as ,i thought myself concerned1 be turned another way1 and changed1 ,but in all these1 ,i was as those that jostle against the rocks2 more broken1 scattered and rent4 ,oh6 the un-thought-of imaginations1 frights1 fears1 and terrors1 that are affected by a thorough application of guilt yielding to desperation6 ,this is the man that hath his dwelling among the tombs with the dead2 that is always crying out1 and cutting himself with stones4 ,mark v4 #a1 #b1 #c4 ,but1 ,i say1 all in vain2 desperation will not comfort him1 the old covenant will not save him3 nay1 heaven and earth shall pass away1 before one jot or tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed4 ,this ,i saw1 this ,i felt1 and under this ,i groaned2 yet this advantage ,i got thereby1 namely1 a farther confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation2 and that the scriptures were the word of ,god4 ,oh6 ,i cannot now express what then ,i saw and felt of the steadiness of ,jesus ,christ1 the rock of man's salvation3 ,what was done1 could not be undone1 added to1 nor altered4 ,i saw1 indeed1 that sin might drive the soul beyond ,christ1 even the sin which is unpardonable2 but woe to him that was so driven1 for the word would shut him out4 #ahg4 ,thus ,i was always sinking1 whatever ,i did think or do4 ,so one day ,i walked to a neighbouring town1 and sate down upon a settle in the street1 and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to2 and after long musing1 ,i lifted up ,i sat my head1 but methought ,i saw1 as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light2 and as if the very stones in the street1 and tiles upon the houses1 did bend themselves against me4 ,methought that they all combined together to banish me out of the world4 ,i was abhorred of them1 and unfit to dwell among them1 or be partaker of their benefits1 because ,i had sinned against the ,saviour4 ,o how happy now was every creature over ,i was6 ,for they stood fast1 and kept their station1 but ,i was gone and lost4 #ahh4 ,then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul1 ,i said to myself with a grievous sigh1 ,how can ,god comfort such a wretch6 ,i had no sooner said it1 but this returned upon me1 as an echo doth answer a voice3 ,this sin is not unto death4 ,at which ,i was1 as if ,i had been raised out of the grave1 and cried out again1 ,lord1 how couldst ,thou find out such a word as this6 ,for ,i was filled with admiration at the fitness1 and at the unexpectedness of the sentence2 the fitness of the word1 the rightness of the timing of it2 the power1 and sweetness1 and light1 and glory that came with it also1 were marvellous to me to find3 ,i was now1 for the time1 out of doubt1 as to that about which ,i was so much in doubt before2 my fears before were1 that my sin was not pardonable1 and so that ,i had no right to pray1 to repent1 etc41 or that1 if ,i did1 it would be of no advantage or profit to me4 ,but now1 thought ,i1 if this sin is not unto death1 then it is pardonable2 therefore from this ,i have encouragement to come to ,god by ,christ for mercy1 to consider the promise of forgiveness1 as that which stands with open arms to receive me as well as others4 ,this therefore was a great easement to my mind1 to wit1 that my sin was pardonable1 that it was not the sin unto death 7#a ,john v4 #af1 #ag74 ,none but those that know what my trouble 7by their own experience7 was1 can tell what relief came to my soul by this consideration3 it was a release to me from my former bonds1 and a shelter from the former storm3 ,i seemed now to stand upon the same ground with other sinners1 and to have as good right to the word and prayer as any of they4 #ahi4 ,now ,i say1 ,i was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable1 but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness4 ,but oh6 how ,satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again6 ,but he could by no means do it1 neither this day1 nor the most part of the next1 for this good sentence stood like a mill-post at my back3 yet towards the evening of the next day1 ,i felt this word begin to leave me1 and to withdraw its supportation from me1 and so ,i returned to my old fears again1 but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness1 for ,i feared the sorrow of despair2 nor could my faith now long retain this word4 #aij4 ,but the next day at evening1 being under many fears1 ,i went to seek the ,lord1 and as ,i prayed1 ,i cried1 and my soul cried to ,him in these words1 with strong cries3 ,o ,lord1 ,i beseech ,thee1 show me that ,thou hast loved me with everlasting love4 ,jer4 xxxi4 #c4 ,i had no sooner said it1 but with sweetness this returned upon me1 as an echo1 or sounding again1 ,i have loved thee with an everlasting love4 ,now ,i went to bed in quiet2 also when ,i awakened the next morning1 it was fresh upon my soul2 and ,i believed it4 #aia4 ,but yet the tempter left me not2 for it could not be so little as an hundred times1 that he that day did labour to then break my peace4 ,oh6 the combats and conflicts that ,i did then meet with2 as ,i strove to hold by this word1 that of ,esau would fly in my face like lightning3 ,i should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour2 yet ,god did bear me up1 and keep my heart upon this word2 from which ,i had also1 for several days together1 very much sweetness1 and comfortable hopes of pardon3 for thus it was made out unto me1 ,i loved thee whilst thou wast committing this sin1 ,i loved thee before1 ,i love thee still1 and ,i will love thee for ever4 #aib4 ,yet ,i saw my sin most barbarous1 and a filthy crime1 and could not but conclude1 and that with great shame and astonishment1 that ,i had horribly abused the holy ,son of ,god3 wherefore ,i felt my soul greatly to love and pity ,him1 and my bowels to yearn towards ,him2 for ,i saw ,he was still my friend1 and did reward me good for evil2 yea1 the love and affection that then did burn within to my ,lord and ,saviour ,jesus ,christ1 did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the abuse ,i had done unto ,him1 that to speak as ,i then thought1 had ,i had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins1 ,i could freely then have spilt it all1 at the command and feet of this my ,lord and ,saviour4 #aic4 ,and as ,i was thus in musing1 and in my studies1 considering how to love the ,lord1 and to express my love to ,him1 that saying came in upon me1 ,if ,thou1 ,lord1 shouldst mark iniquities1 ,o ,lord1 who should stand8 ,but there is forgiveness with ,thee1 that ,thou mayest be feared4 ,psalm cxxx4 #c1 #d4 ,these were good words to me1 especially the latter part thereof2 to wit1 that there is forgiveness with the ,lord1 that ,he might be feared2 that is1 as then ,i understood it1 that ,he might be loved1 and had in reverence2 for it was thus made out to me1 ,that the great ,god did set so high an esteem upon the love of ,his poor creatures1 that rather than ,he would go without their love1 ,he would pardon their transgressions4 #aid4 ,and now was that word fulfilled on me1 and ,i was also refreshed by it2 ,that thou mayest remember and be confounded1 and never open thy mouth any more1 because of thy shame1 when ,i am pacified toward thee for all that thou hast done1 saith the ,lord ,god4 ,ezek4 xvi4 #fc4 ,thus was my soul at this time 7and as ,i then did think for ever7 set at liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement4 #aie4 ,but before many weeks were gone1 ,i began to despond again1 fearing1 lest1 notwithstanding all that ,i had enjoyed1 that ,i might be deceived and destroyed at the last2 for this consideration came strong into my mind1 ,that whatever comfort and peace ,i thought ,i might have from the word of the promise of life1 yet unless there could be found in my refreshment1 a concurrence and agreement in the scriptures1 let me think what ,i will thereof1 and hold it never so fast1 ,i should find no such thing at the end2 ,and the scripture cannot be broken4 ,john x4 #ce4 #aif4 ,now began my heart again to ache1 and fear ,i might meet with a disappointment at last4 ,wherefore ,i began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort1 and to consider whether one that had sinned as ,i had done1 might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of ,god1 laid down in those words1 by which ,i had been comforted1 and on which ,i had leaned myself3 but now were brought those sayings to my mind4 ,for it is impossible for those who were once enlightened1 and have tasted of the heavenly gift1 and were made partakers of the ,holy ,ghost1 and have tasted the good word of ,god1 and the powers of the world to come1 if they shall fall away1 to renew them again unto repentance4 ,heb4 vi4 #d-f4 ,for1 if we sin wilfully1 after we have received the knowledge of the truth1 there remains no more sacrifice for sin1 but a certain fearful looking for of judgment1 and fiery indignation1 which shall devour the adversaries4 ,heb4 x4 #bf1 #bg4 ,as ,esau1 who for one morsel of meat1 sold his birthright4 ,for ye know how that afterward1 when he would have inherited the blessing1 he was rejected2 for he found no place of repentance1 though he sought it carefully with tears4 ,heb4 xii4 #af1 #ag4 #aig4 ,now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul2 so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the ,bible for me3 and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me1 ,rejoice not1 ,o ,israel1 for joy1 as other people4 ,hos4 ix4 #a4 ,for ,i saw indeed1 there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to ,jesus2 but for me1 ,i had cut myself off by my transgressions1 and left myself neither foot-hold1 or hand-hold1 among all the stays and props in the precious word of life4 #aih4 ,and truly1 ,i did now feel myself to sink into a gulph1 as an house whose foundation is destroyed2 ,i did liken myself in this condition1 unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit1 who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water1 yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot1 therefore at last it must die in that condition4 ,so soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul1 that scripture came into my heart1 ,this for many days4 ,dan4 x4 #ad4 ,and indeed ,i found it was so2 for ,i could not be delivered1 nor brought to peace again1 until well nigh two years and a half were completely finished4 ,wherefore these words1 though in themselves1 they tended to discouragement1 yet to me1 who feared this condition would be eternal1 they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me4 #aii4 ,for1 thought ,i1 many days are not for ever1 many days will have an end2 therefore seeing ,i was to be afflicted not a few but many days1 yet ,i was glad it was but for many days4 ,thus1 ,i say1 ,i would recall myself sometimes1 and give myself an help1 for as soon as ever the words came into my mind1 at first1 ,i knew my trouble would be long1 yet this would be but sometimes2 for ,i could not always think on this1 nor ever be helped by it1 though ,i did4 #bjj4 ,now while the scriptures lay before me1 and laid sin anew at my door1 that saying1 in ,luke xviii4 #a1 with others1 did encourage me to prayer3 then the tempter laid again at me very sore1 suggesting1 ,that neither the mercy of ,god1 nor yet the blood of ,christ1 did at all concern me1 nor could they help me for my sin2 therefore it was but in vain to pray4 ,yet1 thought ,i1 ,i will pray4 ,but1 said the tempter1 your sin is unpardonable4 ,well1 said ,i1 ,i will pray4 ',tis to no boot1 said he4 ,yet said ,i1 ,i will pray4 ,so ,i went to prayer to ,god2 and while ,i was at prayer1 ,i uttered words to this effect3 ,lord1 ,satan tells me1 that neither ,thy mercy1 nor ,christ's blood1 is sufficient to save my soul3 ,lord1 shall ,i honour ,thee most1 by believing ,thou wilt1 and canst8 or him1 by believing ,thou neither wilt not nor canst8 ,lord1 ,i would fain honour ,thee1 by believing ,thou wilt and canst4 #bja4 ,and as ,i was thus before the ,lord1 that scripture fastened on my heart 7,o man1 great is thy faith71 ,matt4 xv4 #bh1 even as if one had clapped me on the back1 as ,i was on my knees before ,god3 yet ,i was not able to believe this1 that this was a prayer of faith1 till almost six months after2 for ,i could not think that ,i had faith1 or that there should be a word for me to act faith on2 therefore ,i should still be1 as sticking in the jaws of desperation1 and went mourning up and down in a sad condition4 #bjb4 ,there was nothing now that ,i longed for more than to be put out of doubt1 as to this thing in question1 and as ,i was vehemently desiring to know1 if there was indeed hope for me1 these words came rolling into my mind1 ,will the ,lord cast off for ever8 and will ,he be favourable no more8 ,is ,his mercy clean gone for ever8 ,doth ,his promise fail for evermore8 ,hath ,god forgotten to be gracious8 ,hath ,he in anger shut up ,his tender mercies8 ,ps4 lxxvii4 #g-i4 ,and all the while they run in my mind1 methought ,i had still this as the answer1 ',tis a question whether ,he hath or no3 it may be ,he hath not4 ,yea1 the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed ,he had not1 nor would so cast off1 but would be favourable3 that ,his promise doth not fail1 and that ,he had not forgotten to be gracious1 nor would in anger shut up tender mercy4 ,something also there was upon my heart at the same time1 which ,i cannot now call to mind1 which1 with this text1 did sweeten my heart1 and make me conclude1 that ,his mercy might not be quite gone1 nor clean gone for ever4 #bjc4 ,at another time ,i remembered1 ,i was again much under this question1 ,whether the blood of ,christ was sufficient to save my soul8 in which doubt ,i continued from morning1 till about seven or eight at night3 and at last1 when ,i was1 as it were1 quite worn out with fear1 lest it should not lay hold on me1 these words did sound suddenly within my heart3 ,he is able4 ,but methought1 this word able1 was spoke loud unto me2 it showed a great word1 it seemed to be writ in great letters1 and gave such a jostle to my fear and doubt 7,i mean for the time it tarried with me1 which was about a day7 as ,i never had from that1 all my life1 either before or after4 ,heb4 vii4 #be4 #bjd4 ,but one morning as ,i was again at prayer1 and trembling under the fear of this1 ,that no word of ,god could help me1 that piece of a sentence darted in upon me1 ,my grace is sufficient4 ,at this1 methought ,i felt some stay1 as if there might be hopes4 ,but1 oh6 how good a thing it is for ,god to send ,his word6 for1 about a fortnight before1 ,i was looking on this very place1 and then ,i thought it could not come near my soul with comfort1 therefore ,i threw down my book in a pet3 then ,i thought it was not large enough for me2 no1 not large enough2 but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide1 that it could not only enclose me1 but many more such as ,i besides4 #bje4 ,by these words ,i was sustained1 yet not without exceeding conflicts1 for the space of seven or eight weeks2 for my peace would be in it1 and out1 sometimes twenty times a day2 comfort now1 and trouble presently2 peace now1 and before ,i could go a furlong1 as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold4 ,and this was not only now and then1 but my whole seven weeks' experience3 for this about the sufficiency of grace1 and that of ,esau's parting with his birthright1 would be like a pair of scales within my mind2 sometimes one end would be uppermost1 and sometimes again the other2 according to which would be my peace or trouble4 #bjf4 ,therefore ,i did still pray to ,god1 that ,he would come in with this scripture more fully on my heart2 to wit1 that ,he would help me to apply the whole sentence1 for as yet ,i could not3 that ,he gave1 that ,i gathered2 but farther ,i could not go1 for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me2 ,my grace is sufficient3 ,and though it came no farther1 it answered my former question1 to wit1 ,that there was hope2 yet because for thee was left out1 ,i was not contented1 but prayed to ,god for that also4 ,wherefore1 one day1 when ,i was in a meeting of ,god's people1 full of sadness and terror2 for my fears again were strong upon me2 and1 as ,i was now thinking1 my soul was never the better1 but my case most sad and fearful1 these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me2 ,my grace is sufficient for thee1 ,my grace is sufficient for thee1 ,my grace is sufficient for thee1 three times together3 ,and oh6 methought that every word was a mighty word unto me2 as ,my1 and grace1 and sufficient1 and for thee2 they were then1 and sometimes are still1 far bigger than others be4 #bjg4 ,at which time my understanding was so enlightened1 that ,i was as though ,i had seen the ,lord ,jesus look down from heaven1 through the tiles upon me1 and direct these words unto me4 ,this sent me mourning home2 it broke my heart1 and filled me full of joy1 and laid me low as the dust2 only it stayed not long with me1 ,i mean in this glory and refreshing comfort2 yet it continued with me for several weeks1 and did encourage me to hope3 but as soon as that powerful operation of it was taken from my heart1 that other1 about ,esau1 returned upon me as before3 so my soul did hang as in a pair of scales again1 sometimes up1 and sometimes down2 now in peace1 and anon again in terror4 #bjh4 ,thus ,i went on for many weeks1 sometimes comforted1 and sometimes tormented2 and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore1 for all those scriptures forenamed in the ,hebrews1 would be set before me1 as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven4 ,then again ,i would begin to repent that ever that thought went through me2 ,i would also think thus with myself3 ,why1 how many scriptures are there against me8 ,there are but three or four2 ,and cannot ,god miss them1 and save me for all them8 ,sometimes again ,i would think1 ,oh6 if it were not for these three or four words1 now how might ,i be comforted6 ,and ,i could hardly forbear at some times1 to wish them out of the book4 #bji4 ,then methought ,i should see as if both ,peter and ,paul1 and ,john1 and all the writers1 did look with scorn upon me1 and hold me in derision2 and as if they had said unto me1 ,all our words are truth1 one of as much force as another3 it is not we that have cut you of1 but you have cast away yourself4 ,there is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon1 but these and such as these2 it is impossible1 ,heb4 vi42 there remains no more sacrifice for sin1 ,heb4 x4 ,and it had been better for them not to have known the will of ,god1 than after they had known it1 to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them1 #b ,peter ii4 #ba4 ,for the ,scriptures cannot be broken4 ,john x4 #ce4 #baj4 ,these1 as the elders of the city of refuge1 ,i saw1 were to be judges both of my case and me1 while ,i stood with the avenger of blood at my heels1 trembling at their gate for deliverance2 also with a thousand fears and mistrusts1 ,i doubted that they would shut me out for ever4 ,joshua xx4 #c4 #d4 #baa4 ,thus ,i was confounded1 not knowing what to do1 or how to be satisfied in this question1 ,whether the scriptures could agree in the salvation of my soul8 ,i quaked at the apostles2 ,i knew their words were true1 and that they must stand for ever4 #bab4 ,and ,i remember one day1 as ,i was in divers frames of spirit1 and considering that these frames were according to the nature of several scriptures that came in upon my mind2 if this of grace1 then was ,i quiet2 but of that of ,esau1 then tormented4 ,lord1 thought ,i1 if both these scriptures should meet in my heart at once1 ,i wonder which of them would get the better of me4 ,so methought ,i had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me2 yea1 ,i desired of ,god they might4 #bac4 ,well1 about two or three days after1 so they did indeed2 they bolted both upon me at a time1 and did work and struggle strangely in me for a while2 at last that about ,esau's birthright began to wax weak1 and withdraw1 and vanish2 and this1 about the sufficiency of grace prevailed with peace and joy4 ,and as ,i was in a muse about this thing1 that scripture came in upon me1 ,mercy rejoiceth against judgment4 ,james ii4 #ac4 #bad4 ,this was a wonderment to me2 yet truly1 ,i am apt to think it was of ,god2 for the word of the law and wrath1 must give place to the word of life and grace2 because1 though the word of condemnation be glorious1 yet the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory4 #b ,cor4 iii4 #h-aa4 ,mark ix4 #e-g4 ,john vi4 #cg4 ,also that ,moses and ,elias must both vanish1 and leave ,christ and ,his saints alone4 #bae4 ,this scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul2 ,and him that cometh to ,me1 ,i will in no wise cast out4 ,oh6 the comfort that ,i had from this word1 in no wise6 ,as who should say1 ,by no means1 for nothing whatever he hath done4 ,but ,satan would greatly labour to pull this promise from me1 telling of me1 ,that ,christ did not mean me and such as ,i1 but sinners of a lower rank1 that had not done as ,i had done4 ,but ,i would answer him again1 ,satan1 here is in these words no such exception2 but him that comes1 him1 any him3 him that cometh to ,me ,i will in no wise cast out4 ,and this ,i well remember still1 that of all the slights that ,satan used to take this scripture from me1 yet he never did so much as put this question1 ,but do you come aright8 ,and ,i have thought the reason was1 because he thought ,i knew full well what coming aright was2 for ,i saw that to come aright1 was to come as ,i was1 a vile and ungodly sinner1 and to cast myself at the feet of mercy1 condemning myself for sin4 ,if ever ,satan and ,i did strive for any word of ,god in all my life1 it was for this good word of ,christ2 he at one end1 and ,i at the other3 ,oh6 what work did we make6 ,it was for this in ,john1 ,i say1 that we did so tug and strive1 he pulled1 and ,i pulled2 but ,god be praised1 ,i got the better of him2 ,i got some sweetness from it4 #baf4 ,but notwithstanding all these helps1 and blessed words of grace1 yet that of ,esau's selling of his birthright1 would still at times distress my conscience3 for though ,i had been most sweetly comforted1 and that but just before1 yet when that came into my mind1 'twould make me fear again3 ,i could not be quite rid thereof1 'twould every day be with me3 wherefore now ,i went another way to work1 even to consider the nature of this blasphemous thought1 ,i mean1 if ,i should take the words at the largest1 and give them their own natural force and scope1 even every word therein3 so when ,i had thus considered1 ,i found1 that if they were fairly taken1 they would amount to this2 ,that ,i had freely left the ,lord ,jesus ,christ to ,his choice1 whether ,he would be my ,saviour or no2 for the wicked words were these1 ,let ,him go1 if ,he will4 ,then that scripture gave me hope1 ,i will never leave thee1 nor forsake thee4 ,heb4 xiii4 #e4 #8,o ,lord1' said ,i1 but ,i have left ,thee4 ,then it answered again1 ,but ,i will not leave thee4 ,for this ,i thanked ,god also4 #bag4 ,yet ,i was grievous afraid ,he should1 and found it exceeding hard to trust ,him1 seeing ,i had so offended ,him3 ,i could have been exceeding glad that this thought had never befallen2 for then ,i thought ,i could with more ease and freedom in abundance1 have leaned on ,his grace4 ,i saw it was with me1 as it was with ,joseph's brethren2 the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would at last despise them4 ,gen4 l4 #ae1 #af1 etc4 #bah4 ,yet above all the scriptures that ,i yet did meet with that in ,joshua xx4 was the greatest comfort to me1 which speaks of the slayer that was to flee for refuge3 ,and if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer1 then saith ,moses1 they that are the elders of the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hands1 because he smote his neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime4 ,oh6 blessed be ,god for this word3 ,i was convinced that ,i was the slayer2 and that the avenger of blood pursued me1 ,i felt with great terror2 only now it remained that ,i inquire whether ,i have right to enter the city of refuge3 so ,i found1 that he must not1 who lay in wait to shed blood3 ,it was not the wilful murderer1 but he who unwittingly did it1 he who did it unawares2 not out of spite1 or grudge1 or malice1 he that shed it unwittingly3 even he who did not hate his neighbour before4 ,wherefore1 #bai4 ,i thought verily ,i was the man that must enter1 because ,i had smitten my neighbour unwittingly1 and hated ,him not aforetime4 ,i hated ,him not aforetime2 no1 ,i prayed unto ,him1 was tender of sinning against ,him2 yea1 and against this wicked temptation ,i had strove for a twelvemonth before2 yea1 and also when it did pass through my heart1 it did in spite of my teeth3 wherefore ,i thought ,i had a right to enter this city1 and the elders1 which are the apostles1 were not to deliver me up4 ,this therefore was great comfort to me1 and gave me much ground of hope4 #bbj4 ,yet being very critical1 for my smart had made me that ,i knew not what ground was sure enough to bear me1 ,i had one question that my soul did much desire to be resolved about2 and that was1 ,whether it be possible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin1 yet after that to receive1 though but the least1 true spiritual comfort from ,god though ,christ8 ,the which after ,i had much considered1 ,i found the answer was1 ,no1 they could not2 and that for these reasons3-- #bba4 ,first1 ,because those that have sinned that sin1 they are debarred a share in the blood of ,christ2 and being shut out of that1 they must needs be void of the least ground of hope1 and so of spiritual comfort2 ,for to such there remains no more sacrifice for sin4 ,heb4 x4 #bf1 #bg4 ,secondly1 ,because they are denied a share in the promise of life3 ,it shall never be forgiven him neither in this world1 neither in the world to come4 ,matt4 xii4 #cb4 ,thirdly1 ,the ,son of ,god excludes them also from a share in ,his blessed intercession1 being for ever ashamed to own them1 both before ,his holy ,father1 and the blessed angels in heaven4 ,mark viii4 #bbb4 ,when ,i had with much deliberation considered of this matter1 and could not but conclude that the ,lord had comforted me1 and that too after this my wicked sin3 then methought ,i durst venture to come nigh unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures1 with which all this while ,i had been so greatly affrighted1 and on which indeed1 before ,i durst scarce cast mine eye 7yea1 had much ado an hundred times1 to forbear wishing them out of the ,bible71 for ,i thought they would destroy me2 but now1 ,i say1 ,i began to take some measure of encouragement1 to come close to them to read them1 and consider them1 and to weigh their scope and tendency4 #bbc4 ,the which when ,i began to do1 ,i found their visage changed3 for they looked not so grimly1 as before ,i thought they did3 and first ,i came to the sixth of the ,hebrews1 yet trembling for fear it should strike me2 which when ,i had considered1 ,i found that the falling there intended1 was a falling quite away2 that is as ,i conceived1 a falling from and absolute denying of the gospel1 of remission of sins by ,jesus ,christ2 for1 from them the apostle begins his argument1 verses #a1 #b1 #c1 #d4 ,secondly1 ,i found that this falling away1 must be openly1 even in the view of the world1 even so as to put ,christ to an open shame4 ,thirdly1 ,i found those he there intended1 were for ever shut up of ,god1 both in blindness1 hardness1 and impenitency3 ,it is impossible they should be renewed again unto repentance4 ,by all these particulars1 ,i found to ,god's everlasting praise1 my sin was not the sin in this place intended4 ,first1 ,i confessed ,i was fallen1 but not fallen away2 that is1 from the profession of faith in ,jesus unto eternal life4 ,secondly1 ,i confessed that ,i had put ,jesus ,christ to shame by my sin1 but not to open shame2 ,i did not deny ,him before men1 nor condemn ,him as a fruitless ,one before the world4 ,thirdly1 ,nor did ,i find that ,god had shut me up1 or denied me to come 7though ,i found it hard work indeed to come7 to ,him by sorrow and repentance3 blessed be ,god for unsearchable grace6 #bbd4 ,then ,i considered that in the #ajth chapter of the ,hebrews1 and found that the wilful sin there mentioned1 is not every wilful sin1 but that which doth throw off ,christ1 and then ,his commandments too4 ,secondly1 ,that must be done also openly1 before two or three witnesses1 to answer that of the law1 verse #bh4 ,thirdly1 ,this sin cannot be committed1 but with great despite done to the ,spirit of ,grace2 despising both the dissuasions from that sin1 and the persuasions to the contrary4 ,but the ,lord knows1 though this my sin was devilish1 yet it did not amount to these4 #bbe4 ,and as touching that in the #abth of the ,hebrews1 about ,esau's selling of his birthright2 though this was that which killed me1 and stood like a spear against me1 yet now ,i did consider1 ,first1 that his was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of his mind1 but a thought consented to1 and put in practice likewise1 and that after some deliberation1 ,gen4 xxv4 ,secondly1 ,it was a public and open action1 even before his brother1 if not before many more2 this made his sin of a far more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been4 ,thirdly1 ,he continued to slight his birthright3 ,he did eat and drink1 and went his way3 thus ,esau despised his birthright1 yea1 twenty years after he was found to despise it still4 ,and ,esau said1 ,i have enough1 my brother1 keep that thou hast unto thyself4 ,gen4 xxxiii4 #i4 #bbf4 ,now as touching this1 that ,esau sought a place of repentance2 thus ,i thought3 ,first1 ,this was not for the birthright1 but the blessing3 this is clear from the apostle1 and is distinguished by ,esau himself2 ,he took away my birthright 7that is1 formerly72 and behold now he hath taken away my blessing4 ,gen4 xxvii4 #cf4 ,secondly1 ,now1 this being thus considered1 ,i came again to the apostle1 to see what might be the mind of ,god1 in a ,new-,testament style and sense concerning ,esau's sin2 and so far as ,i could conceive1 this was the mind of ,god1 that the birthright signified regeneration1 and the blessing1 the eternal inheritance2 for so the apostle seems to hint4 ,lest there be any profane person1 as ,esau1 who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright2 as if he should say1 ,that shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of ,god1 that at present are upon him1 in order to a new-birth2 lest they become as ,esau1 even be rejected afterwards1 when they would inherit the blessing4 #bbg4 ,for many there are1 who1 in the day of grace and mercy1 despise those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven1 who yet when the deciding day appears1 will cry as lord as ,esau1 ,lord1 ,lord1 open to us2 but then1 as ,isaac would not repent1 no more will ,god the ,father1 but will say1 ,i have blessed these1 yea1 and they shall be blessed2 but as for you1 ,depart1 you are the workers of iniquity4 ,gen4 xxvii4 #cb2 ,luke xiii4 #be-bg4 #bbh4 ,when ,i had thus considered these scriptures1 and found that thus to understand them1 was not against1 but according to other scriptures2 this still added further to my encouragement and comfort1 and also gave a great blow to that objection1 to wit1 ,that the scriptures could not agree in the salvation of my soul4 ,and now remained only the hinder part of the tempest1 for the thunder was gone beyond me1 only some drops did still remain1 that now and then would fall upon me2 but because my former frights and anguish were very sore and deep1 therefore it oft befall me still1 as it befalleth those that have been scared with fire4 ,i thought every voice was1 ,fire6 fire6 ,every little touch would hurt my tender conscience4 #bbi4 ,but one day1 as ,i was passing in the field1 and that too with some dashes on my conscience1 fearing lest yet all was not right1 suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul1 ,thy righteousness is in heaven2 and methought withal1 ,i saw with the eyes of my soul1 ,jesus ,christ at ,god's right hand3 there1 ,i say1 was my righteousness2 so that wherever ,i was1 or whatever ,i was doing1 ,god could not say of me1 ,he wants ,my righteousness2 for that was just before ,him4 ,i also saw moreover1 that it was not my good frame of heart that made my righteousness better1 nor yet my bad frame that made my righteousness worse2 for my righteousness was ,jesus ,christ ,himself1 ,the same yesterday1 to-day1 and for ever4 ,heb4 xiii4 #h4 #bcj4 ,now did my chains fall off my legs indeed2 ,i was loosed from my afflictions and irons2 my temptations also fled away2 so that from that time those dreadful scriptures of ,god left off to trouble me3 now went ,i also home rejoicing1 for the grace and love of ,god2 so when ,i came home1 ,i looked to see if ,i could find that sentence2 ,thy righteousness is in heaven1 but could not find such a saying2 wherefore my heart began to sink again1 only that was brought to my remembrance1 #a ,cor4 i4 #cj1 ,christ ,jesus1 who of ,god is made unto us wisdom1 and righteousness1 and sanctification1 and redemption2 by this word ,i saw the other sentence true4 #bca4 ,for by this scripture ,i saw that the ,man ,christ ,jesus1 as ,he is distinct from us1 as touching ,his bodily presence1 so ,he is our righteousness and sanctification before ,god4 ,here therefore ,i lived1 for some time1 very sweetly at peace with ,god through ,christ2 ,oh6 methought1 ,christ6 ,christ6 there was nothing but ,christ that was before my eyes3 ,i was not now 7only7 for looking upon this and the other benefits of ,christ apart1 as of ,his blood1 burial1 or resurrection1 but considering ,him as a whole ,christ6 as ,he in whom all these1 and all ,his other virtues1 relations1 offices and operations met together1 and that ,he sat on the right hand of ,god in heaven4 #bcb4 ',twas glorious to me to see ,his exaltation1 and the worth and prevalency of all ,his benefits1 and that because now ,i could look from myself to ,him and should reckon1 that all those graces of ,god that now were green on me1 were yet but like those cracked groats and fourpence-halfpennies that rich men carry in their purses1 when their gold is in their trunks at home3 ,oh6 ,i saw my gold was in my trunk at home6 ,in ,christ my ,lord and ,saviour4 ,now ,christ was all2 all my wisdom1 all my righteousness1 all my sanctification1 and all my redemption4 #bcc4 ,further1 the ,lord did also lead me into the mystery of union with the ,son of ,god2 that ,i was joined to ,him1 that ,i was flesh of ,his flesh1 and bone of ,his bone2 and now was that word sweet to me in ,eph4 v4 #cj4 ,by this also was my faith in ,him1 as my righteousness1 the more confirmed in me2 for if ,he and ,i were one1 then ,his righteousness was mine1 ,his merits mine1 ,his victory also mine4 ,now could ,i see myself in heaven and earth at once3 in heaven by my ,christ1 by my head1 by my righteousness and life1 though on earth by my body or person4 #bcd4 ,now ,i saw ,christ ,jesus was looked upon of ,god2 and should also be looked upon by us1 as that common or public person1 in whom all the whole body of ,his elect are always to be considered and reckoned2 that we fulfilled the law by ,him1 died by ,him1 rose from the dead by ,him1 got the victory over sin1 death1 the devil1 and hell1 by ,him2 when ,he died1 we died1 and so of ,his resurrection4 ,thy dead men shall live1 together with ,my dead body shall they arise1 saith ,he4 ,isa4 xxvi4 #ai4 ,and again1 after two days ,he will revive us1 and the third day ,he will raise us up1 and we shall live in ,his sight4 ,hosea vi4 #b4 ,which is now fulfilled by the sitting down of the ,son of ,man on the right hand of the ,majesty in the heavens2 according to that to the ,ephesians1 ,and hath raised us up together1 and made us sit together in heavenly places in ,christ ,jesus4 ,eph4 ii4 #f4 #bce4 ,ah6 these blessed considerations and scriptures1 with many others of like nature1 were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes2 so that ,i have cause to say1 ,praise ye the ,lord4 ,praise ,god in ,his sanctuary1 praise ,him in the firmament of ,his power2 praise ,him for ,his mighty acts3 praise ,him according to ,his excellent greatness4 ,psalm cl4 #a1 #b4 #bcf4 ,having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrow and affliction that my soul went under1 by the guilt and terror that this my wicked thought did lay me under2 and having given you also a touch of my deliverance therefrom1 and of the sweet and blessed comfort that ,i met with afterwards1 which comfort dwelt about a twelvemonth with my heart1 to my unspeakable admiration3 ,i will now 7,god willing71 before ,i proceed any farther1 give you in a word or two1 what1 as ,i conceive1 was the cause of this temptation2 and also after that1 what advantage1 at the last1 it became unto my soul4 #bcg4 ,for the causes1 ,i conceived they were principally two3 of which two also ,i was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me4 ,the first was1 for that ,i did not1 when ,i was delivered from the temptation that went before1 still pray to ,god to to keep me from the temptations that were to come2 for though1 as ,i can say in truth1 my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me1 yet then ,i prayed only1 or at the most principally1 for the removal of present troubles1 and for fresh discoveries of ,his love in ,christ1 which ,i saw afterwards was not enough to do2 ,i also should have prayed that the great ,god would keep me from the evil that was to come4 #bch4 ,of this ,i was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy ,david1 who when he was under present mercy1 yet prayed that ,god would hold him back from sin and temptation to come2 ,then1 saith he1 shall ,i be upright1 and ,i shall be innocent from the great transgression4 ,psalm xix4 #ac4 ,by this very word was ,i galled and condemned quite through this long temptation4 #bci4 ,that was also another word that did much condemn me for my folly1 in the neglect of this duty4 ,heb4 iv4 #af3 ,let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace1 that we may obtain mercy1 and find grace to help in time of need4 ,this ,i had not done1 and therefore was thus suffered to sin and fall1 according to what is written1 ,pray that ye enter not into temptation4 ,and truly this very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me1 that ,i dare not1 when ,i come before the ,lord1 go of my knees1 until ,i intreat ,him for help and mercy against the temptations that are to come2 and ,i do beseech thee1 reader1 that thou learn to beware of my negligence1 by the afflictions1 that for this thing ,i did for days1 and months1 and years1 with sorrow undergo4 #bdj4 ,another cause of this temptation was1 that ,i had tempted ,god2 and on this manner did ,i do it3 ,upon a time my wife was great with child1 and before her full time was come1 her pangs1 as of a woman in travail1 were fierce and strong upon her1 even as if she would have fallen immediately in labour1 and been delivered of an untimely birth3 now at this very time it was1 that ,i had been so strongly tempted to question the being of ,god2 wherefore1 as my wife lay crying by me1 ,i said1 but with all secrecy imaginable1 even thinking in my heart1 ,lord1 if ,thou wilt now remove this sad affliction from my wife1 and cause that she be troubled no more therewith this night 7and now were her pangs just upon her71 then ,i shall know that ,thou canst discern the most secret thoughts of the heart4 #bda4 ,i had no sooner said it in my heart1 but her pangs were taken from her1 and she was cast into a deep sleep1 and so continued till morning2 at this ,i greatly marvelled1 not knowing what to think2 but after ,i had been awake a good while1 and heard her cry no more1 ,i fell asleep also2 so when ,i awaked in the morning1 it came upon me again1 even what ,i had said in my heart the last night1 and how the ,lord had showed me1 that ,he knew my secret thoughts1 which was a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after4 #bdb4 ,well1 about a year and a half afterwards1 that wicked sinful thought1 of which ,i have spoken before1 went through my wicked heart1 even this thought1 ,let ,christ go1 if ,he will3 so when ,i was fallen under the guilt for this1 the remembrance of my other thought1 and of the effect thereof1 would also come upon me with this retort1 which also carried rebuke along with it1 ,now you may see that ,god doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart4 #bdc4 ,and with this1 that of the passages that were betwixt the ,lord1 and ,his servant ,gideon1 fell upon my spirit2 how because that ,gideon tempted ,god with his fleece1 both wet and dry1 when he should have believed and ventured upon ,his word2 therefore the ,lord did afterwards so try him1 as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies1 and that too1 as to outward appearance1 without any strength or help4 ,judges vi4 #g4 ,thus ,he served me1 and that justly1 for ,i should have believed ,his word1 and not have put an if upon the all-seeingness of ,god4 #bdd4 ,and now to show you something of the advantages that ,i also have gained by this temptation3 and first1 by this ,i was made continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the blessing and glory of ,god1 and of ,his beloved ,son2 in the temptation that went before1 my soul was perplexed with unbelief1 blasphemy1 hardness of heart1 questions about the being of ,god1 ,christ1 the truth of the word1 and certainty of the world to come3 ,i say1 then ,i was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism1 but now the case was otherwise2 now was ,god and ,christ continually before my face1 though not in a way of comfort1 but in a way of exceeding dread and terror4 ,the glory of the holiness of ,god1 did at this time break me to pieces2 and the bowels and compassion of ,christ did break me as on the wheel2 for ,i could not consider ,him but as a lost and rejected ,christ1 the remembrance of which1 was as the continual breaking of my bones4 #bde4 ,the scriptures also were wonderful things unto me2 ,i saw that the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven2 those that the scriptures favour1 they must inherit bliss2 but those that they oppose and condemn1 must perish for evermore3 ,oh6 this word1 ,for the scriptures cannot be broken1 would rend the caul of my heart3 and so would that other1 ,whose sins ye remit1 they are remitted2 but whose sins ye retain1 they are retained4 ,now ,i saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge4 ,joshua xx4 #d4 ,those that they were to receive in1 were received to life2 but those that they shut out1 were to be slain by the avenger of blood4 #bdf4 ,oh6 one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and terrify my mind1 ,i mean those sentences that stood against me 7as sometimes ,i thought they every one did7 more1 ,i say1 than an army of forty thousand men that might have come against me4 ,woe be to him against whom the scriptures bend themselves6 #bdg4 ,by this temptation ,i was made to see more into the nature of the promises than ever ,i was before2 for ,i lying now trembling under the mighty hand of ,god1 continually torn and rent by the thundering of ,his justice3 this made me with careful heart1 and watchful eye1 with great fearfulness to turn over every leaf1 and with much diligence1 mixed with trembling1 to consider every sentence1 together with its natural force and latitude4 #bdh4 ,by this temptation also ,i was greatly holden off from my former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw it came into my mind2 for now1 though ,i could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the promise1 as ,i had done at other times2 yet1 like to a man sinking1 ,i would catch at all ,i saw3 formerly ,i thought ,i might not meddle with the promise1 unless ,i felt its comfort1 but now 'twas no time thus to do2 the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me4 #bdi4 ,now therefore ,i was glad to catch at that word which yet ,i feared ,i had no ground or right to own2 and even to leap into the bosom of that promise that yet ,i feared did shut its heart against me4 ,now also ,i should labour to take the word as ,god hath laid it down1 without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof3 ,o6 what did ,i now see in that blessed sixth of ,john3 ,and him that cometh to me1 ,i will in no wise cast out4 ,john vi4 #cg4 ,now ,i began to consider with myself1 that ,god hath a bigger mouth to speak with1 than ,i had a heart to conceive with2 ,i thought also with myself1 that ,he spake not ,his words in haste1 or in an unadvised heat1 but with infinite wisdom and judgment1 and in very truth and faithfulness4 #b ,sam4 iii4 #bh4 #bej4 ,i should in these days1 often in my greatest agonies1 even flounce towards the promise 7as the horses do towards sound ground1 that yet stick in the mire72 concluding 7though as one almost bereft of his wits through fear7 on this ,i will rest and stay1 and leave the fulfilling of it to the ,god of heaven that made it4 ,oh6 many a pull hath my heart had with ,satan1 for that blessed sixth of ,john3 ,i did not now1 as at other times1 look principally for comfort 7though1 ,o how welcome would it have been unto me674 ,but now a word1 a word to lean a weary soul upon1 that it might not sink for ever6 'twas that ,i hunted for4 #bea4 ,yea1 often when ,i have been making to the promise1 ,i have seen as if the ,lord would refuse my soul for ever2 ,i was often as if ,i had run upon the pikes1 and as if the ,lord had thrust at me1 to keep me from ,him1 as with a flaming sword4 ,then ,i should think of ,esther1 who went to petition the king contrary to the law4 ,esther iv4 #af4 ,i thought also of ,benhadad's servants1 who went with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy4 #a ,kings xx4 #ca1 etc4 ,the woman of ,canaan also1 that would not be daunted1 though called dog by ,christ1 ,matt4 xv41 #bb1 etc41 and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight1 ,luke xi4 #e-h1 etc41 were great encouragements unto me4 #beb4 ,i never saw those heights and depths in grace1 and love1 and mercy1 as ,i saw after this temptation2 great sins to draw out great grace2 and where guilt is most terrible and fierce1 there the mercy of ,god in ,christ1 when showed to the soul1 appears most high and mighty4 ,when ,job had passed through his captivity1 he had twice as much as he had before4 ,job xlii4 #aj4 ,blessed be ,god for ,jesus ,christ our ,lord4 ,many other things ,i might here make observation of1 but ,i would be brief1 and therefore shall at this time omit them2 and do pray ,god that my harms may make others fear to offend1 lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as ,i did4 ,i had two or three times1 at or about my deliverance from this temptation1 such strange apprehensions of the grace of ,god1 that ,i could hardly bear up under it3 it was so out of measure amazing1 when ,i thought it could reach me1 that ,i do think if that sense of it had abode long upon me1 it would have made me incapable for business4 #bec4 ,now ,i shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the ,lord's dealings with me at sundry other seasons1 and of the temptations ,i then did meet withal4 ,i shall begin with what ,i met with when first ,i did join in fellowship with the people of ,god in ,bedford4 ,after ,i had propounded to the church1 that my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of ,christ with them1 and was also admitted by them3 while ,i thought of that blessed ordinance of ,christ1 which was ,his last supper with ,his disciples before ,his death1 that scripture1 ,do this in remembrance of ,me1 ,luke xxii4 #ai1 was made a very precious word unto me2 for by it the ,lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of ,his death for my sins2 and as ,i then felt1 did as if ,he plunged me in the virtue of the same4 ,but behold1 ,i had not been long a partaker at that ordinance1 but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein1 both to blaspheme the ordinance1 and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof3 that lest ,i should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts1 ,i was forced to bend myself all the while1 to pray to ,god to keep me from such blasphemies3 and also to cry to ,god to bless the bread and cup to them1 as it went from mouth to mouth4 ,the reason of this temptation1 ,i have thought since1 was1 because ,i did not with that reverence that became me at first1 approach to partake thereof4 #bed4 ,thus ,i continued for three quarters of a year1 and could never have rest nor ease3 but at the last the ,lord came in upon my soul with that same scripture1 by which my soul was visited before3 and after that1 ,i have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance2 and have1 ,i trust1 therein discerned the ,lord's body1 as broken for my sins1 and that ,his precious blood hath been shed for my transgressions4 #bee4 ,upon a time ,i was something inclining to a consumption1 wherewith about the spring ,i was suddenly and violently seized1 with much weakness in my outward man2 insomuch that ,i thought ,i could not live4 ,now began ,i afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future1 and of my evidences for that blessed world to come3 for it hath1 ,i bless the name of ,god1 been my usual course1 as always1 so especially in the day of affliction1 to endeavour to keep my interest in the life to come1 clear before mine eyes4 #bef4 ,but ,i had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of ,god to my soul1 but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions2 amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction2 namely1 my deadness1 dulness1 and coldness in holy duties2 my wanderings of heart1 of my wearisomeness in all good things1 my want of love to ,god1 ,his ways and people1 with this at the end of all1 ,are these the fruits of ,christianity8 ,are these tokens of a blessed man8 #beg4 ,at the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon me2 for now ,i was sick in my inward man1 my soul was clogged with guilt2 now also was my former experience of ,god's goodness to me1 quite taken out of my mind1 and hid as if they had never been1 or seen3 now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations1 ,live ,i must not1 die ,i dare not4 ,now ,i sunk and fell in my spirit1 and was giving up all for lost2 but as ,i was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state1 that word of ,god took hold of my heart1 ,ye are justified freely by ,his grace1 through the redemption that is in ,christ ,jesus4 ,rom4 iii4 #bd4 ,but oh6 what a turn it made upon me6 #beh4 ,now was ,i as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream2 and listening to this heavenly sentence1 ,i was as if ,i had heard it thus expounded to me3 ,sinner1 thou thinkest1 that because thy sins and infirmities1 ,i cannot save thy soul2 but behold ,my ,son is by me1 and upon ,him ,i look1 and not on thee1 and shall deal with thee according as ,i am pleased with ,him4 ,at this ,i was greatly lightened in my mind1 and made to understand1 that ,god could justify a sinner at any time2 it was but ,his looking upon ,christ1 and imputing ,his benefits to us1 and the work was forthwith done4 #bei4 ,and as ,i was thus in a muse1 that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit1 ,not by works of righteousness that we have done1 but according to ,his mercy ,he hath saved us1 etc4 #b ,tim4 i4 #i2 ,tit4 iii4 #e4 ,now was ,i got on high1 ,i saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy2 and though ,i was before afraid to think of a dying hour1 yet1 now ,i cried1 ,let me die3 ,now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight1 for ,i saw ,we shall never live indeed1 till we be gone to the other world4 ,oh6 methought this life is but a slumber1 in comparison with that above4 ,at this time also ,i saw more in these words1 ,heirs of ,god1 ,rom4 viii4 #ag1 than ever ,i shall be able to express while ,i live in this world3 ,heirs of ,god6 ,god ,himself is the portion of the saints4 ,this ,i saw and wondered at1 but cannot tell you what ,i saw4 #bfj4 ,again1 as ,i was at another time very ill and weak1 all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly 7for ,i find he is much for assaulting the soul2 when it begins to approach towards the grave1 then is his opportunity71 labouring to hide from me my former experience of ,god's goodness3 also setting before me the terrors of death1 and the judgment of ,god1 insomuch that at this time1 through my fear of miscarrying for ever 7should ,i now die71 ,i was as one dead before death came1 and was as if ,i had felt myself already descending into the pit2 methought ,i said1 ,there were no way1 but to hell ,i must3 but behold1 just as ,i was in the midst of those fears1 these words of the angel's carrying ,lazarus into ,abraham's bosom darted in upon me1 as who should say1 ,so it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world4 ,this did sweetly revive my spirit1 and help me to hope in ,god2 which when ,i had with comfort mused on a while1 that word fell with great weight upon my mind1 ,o death1 where is thy sting8 ,o grave1 where is thy victory8 #a ,cor4 xv4 #ee4 ,at this ,i became both well in body and mind at once1 for my sickness did presently vanish1 and ,i walked comfortably in my work for ,god again4 #bfa4 ,at another time1 though just before ,i was pretty well and savoury in my spirit1 yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness1 which did so hide from me the things of ,god and ,christ1 that ,i was as if ,i had never seen or known them in my life3 ,i was also so over-run in my soul with a senseless heartless frame of spirit1 that ,i could not feel my soul to move or stir after grace and life by ,christ2 ,i was as if my loins were broken1 or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains4 ,at this time also ,i felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man1 which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to me4 #bfb4 ,after ,i had been in this condition some three or four days1 as ,i was sitting by the fire1 ,i suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart1 ,i must go to ,jesus4 ,at this my former darkness and atheism fled away1 and the blessed things of heaven were set in my view4 ,while ,i was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise1 ,wife 7said ,i71 is there ever such a scripture1 ,i must go to ,jesus8 ,she said1 she could not tell2 therefore ,i sat musing still1 to see if ,i could remember such a place3 ,i had not sat above two or three minutes1 but that came bolting in upon me1 ,and to an innumerable company of angels2 and withal1 ,hebrews twelfth1 about the mount ,sion1 was set before mine eyes4 ,heb4 xii4 #bb-bd4 #bfc4 ,then with joy ,i told my wife1 ,o6 now ,i know1 ,i know6 ,but that night was a good night to me1 ,i never had but few better2 ,i longed for the company of some of ,god's people1 that ,i might have imparted unto them what ,god had showed me4 ,christ was a precious ,christ to my soul that night2 ,i could scarce lie in my bed for joy1 and peace1 and triumph1 through ,christ4 ,this great glory did not continue upon me until morning1 yet the twelfth of the ,author to the ,hebrews1 ,heb4 xii4 #bb1 #bc1 was a blessed scripture to me for many days together after this4 #bfd4 ,the words are these3 ,ye are come to mount ,sion1 and unto the city of the living ,god1 the heavenly ,jerusalem1 and to an innumerable company of angels1 to the general assembly and church of the first-born1 which are written in heaven2 and to ,god the ,judge of all1 and to the spirits of just men made perfect1 and to ,jesus the ,mediator of the ,new ,covenant1 and to the blood of sprinkling1 that speaketh better things than that of ,abel4 ,through this blessed sentence the ,lord led me over and over1 first to this word1 and then to that2 and showed me wonderful glory in every one of them4 ,these words also have oft since that time1 been great refreshment to my spirit4 ,blessed be ,god for having mercy on me4 ,a brief ,account of the ,author's ,call to the ,work of the ,ministry #bfe4 ,,and now ,i am speaking my experience1 ,i will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the word1 and of ,god's dealing with me in that particular also4 ,for after ,i had been about five or six years awakened1 and helped myself to see both the want and worth of ,jesus ,christ our ,lord1 and also enabled to venture my soul upon ,him2 some of the most able among the saints with us1 ,i say1 the most able for judgment and holiness of life1 as they conceived1 did perceive that ,god had counted me worth to understand something of ,his will in ,his holy and blessed word1 and had given me utterance in some measure1 to express what ,i saw to others1 for edification2 therefore they desired me1 and that with much earnestness1 that ,i would be willing1 at sometimes to take in hand1 in one of the meetings1 to speak a word of exhortation unto them4 #bff4 ,the which1 though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit1 yet being still by them desired and entreated1 ,i consented to their request1 and did twice at two several assemblies 7but in private71 though with much weakness and infirmity1 discover my gift amongst them2 at which they not only seemed to be1 but did solemnly protest1 as in the sight of the great ,god1 they were both affected and comforted2 and gave thanks to the ,father of mercies1 for the grace bestowed on me4 #bfg4 ,after this1 sometimes1 when some of them did go into the country to teach1 they would also that ,i should go with them2 where1 though as yet1 ,i did not nor durst not1 make use of my gift in an open way1 yet more privately1 still1 as ,i came amongst the good people in those places1 ,i did sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also2 the which they1 as the other1 received with rejoicing at the mercy of ,god to me-ward1 professing their souls were edified thereby4 #bfh4 ,wherefore1 to be brief2 at last1 being still desired by the church1 after some solemn prayer to the ,lord1 with fasting1 ,i was more particularly called forth1 and appointed to a more ordinary and public preaching of the word1 not only to and amongst them that believed1 but also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith thereof2 about which time ,i did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forward thereto2 though ,i bless ,god1 not for desire of vain-glory2 for at that time ,i was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts of the devil1 concerning my eternal state4 #bfi4 ,but yet could not be content1 unless ,i was found in the exercise of my gift1 unto which also ,i was greatly animated1 not only by the continual desires of the godly1 but also by that saying of ,paul to the ,corinthians3 ,i beseech you1 brethren 7ye know the household of ,stephanas1 that it is the first fruits of ,achaia1 and that they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints7 that ye submit yourselves unto such1 and to every one that helpeth with us1 and laboureth4 #a ,cor4 xvi4 #ae1 #af4 #bgj4 ,by this text ,i was made to see that the ,holy ,ghost never intended that men who have gifts and abilities1 should bury them in the earth1 but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift1 and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do4 ,they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints4 ,this scripture1 in these days1 did continually run in my mind1 to encourage me1 and strengthen me in this my work for ,god2 ,i have also been encouraged from several other scriptures and examples of the godly1 both specified in the word1 and other ancient histories3 ,acts viii4 #d and xviii4 #bd1 #be1 etc42 #a ,pet4 iv4 #aj2 ,rom4 xii4 #f2 ,fox's ,acts and ,mon4 #bga4 ,wherefore1 though of myself of all the saints the most unworthy2 yet ,i1 but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness1 did set upon the work1 and did according to my gift1 and the proportion of my faith1 preach that blessed gospel that ,god had showed me in the holy word of truth3 which when the country understood1 they came in to hear the word by hundreds1 and that from all parts1 though upon sundry and divers accounts4 #bgb4 ,and ,i thank ,god1 ,he gave unto me some measure of bowels and pity for their souls1 which also did put me forward to labour1 with great diligence and earnestness1 to find out such a word as might1 if ,god would bless1 lay hold of1 and awaken the conscience2 in which also the good ,lord had respect to the desire of ,his servant2 for ,i had not preached long1 before some began to be touched1 and be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin1 and of their need of ,jesus ,christ4 #bgc4 ,but ,i first could not believe that ,god should speak by me to the heart of any man1 still counting myself unworthy2 yet those who thus were touched1 would love me and have a particular respect for me2 and though ,i did put it from me1 that they should be awakened by me1 still they would confess it1 and affirm it before the saints of ,god3 they would also bless ,god for me 7unworthy wretch that ,i am67 and count me ,god's instrument that showed to them the way of salvation4 #bgd4 ,wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so constant1 and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the knowledge of ,jesus ,christ1 rejoicing that ever ,god did send me where they were2 then ,i began to conclude it might be so1 that ,god had owned in ,his work such a foolish one as ,i2 and then came that word of ,god to my heart1 with much sweet refreshment1 ,the blessing of him that was ready to perish1 is come upon me2 and ,i caused the widow's heart to sing for joy4 ,job xxix4 #ac4 #bge4 ,at this therefore ,i rejoiced2 yea1 the tears of those whom ,god did awaken by my preaching1 would be both solace and encouragement to me3 for ,i thought on those sayings1 ,who is ,he then that maketh me glad1 but the same which is made sorry by ,me8 #b ,cor4 ii4 #b4 ,and again1 ,if ,i be not an ,apostle to others1 yet doubtless1 ,i am unto you3 for the seal of mine apostleship are ye in the ,lord4 #a ,cor4 ix4 #b4 ,these things1 therefore1 were as another argument unto me1 that ,god had called me to1 and stood by me in this work4 #bgf4 ,in my preaching of the word1 ,i took special notice of this one thing1 namely1 that the ,lord did lead me to begin where ,his word begins with sinners2 that is1 to condemn all flesh1 and to open and allege1 that the curse of ,god by the law1 doth belong to1 and lay hold on all men as they come into the world1 because of sin4 ,now this part of my work ,i fulfilled with great sense2 for the terrors of the law1 and guilt for my transgressions1 lay heavy on my conscience3 ,i preached what ,i felt1 what ,i smartingly did feel2 even that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble to astonishment4 #bgg4 ,indeed1 ,i have been as one sent to them from the dead2 ,i went myself in chains1 to preach to them in chains2 and carried that fire in my own conscience1 that ,i persuaded them to be aware of4 ,i can truly say1 and that without dissembling1 that when ,i have been to preach1 ,i have gone full of guilt and terror1 even to the pulpit door1 and there it hath been taken off1 and ,i have been at liberty in my mind until ,i have done my work2 and then immediately1 even before ,i could get down the pulpit stairs1 ,i have been as bad as ,i was before2 yet ,god carried me on1 but surely with a strong hand1 for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my work4 #bgh4 ,thus ,i went on for the space of two years1 crying out against men's sins1 and their fearful state because of them4 ,after which1 the ,lord came in upon my own soul1 with some staid peace and comfort through ,christ2 for ,he did give me many sweet discoveries of ,his blessed grace through ,him2 wherefore now ,i altered in my preaching 7for still ,i preached what ,i saw and felt72 now therefore ,i did much labour to hold forth ,jesus ,christ in all ,his offices1 relations1 and benefits unto the world2 and did strive also to discover1 to condemn1 and remove those false supports and props on which the world doth both lean1 and by them fall and perish4 ,on these things also ,i staid as long as on the other4 #bgi4 ,after this1 ,god led me into something of the mystery of the union of ,christ2 wherefore that ,i discovered and showed to them also4 ,and1 when ,i had travelled through these three chief points of the word of ,god1 about the space of five years or more1 ,i was caught in my present practice1 and cast into prison1 where ,i have lain above as long again to confirm the truth by way of suffering1 as ,i was before in testifying of it according to the scriptures1 in a way of preaching4 #bhj4 ,when ,i have been in preaching1 ,i thank ,god my heart hath often all the time of this and the other exercise1 with great earnestness cried to ,god that ,he would make the word effectual to the salvation of the soul2 still being grieved lest the enemy should take the word away from the conscience1 and so it should become unfruitful3 wherefore ,i should labour to speak the word1 as that thereby1 if it were possible1 the sin and person guilty might be particularized by it4 #bha4 ,and when ,i have done the exercise1 it hath gone to my heart1 to think the word should now fall as rain on stony places2 still wishing from my heart1 ,oh6 that they who have heard me speak this day1 did but see as ,i do1 what sin1 death1 hell1 and the curse of ,god is2 and also what the grace1 and love1 and mercy of ,god is1 through ,christ1 to men in such a case as they are1 who are yet estranged from ,him4 ,and indeed1 ,i did often say in my heart before the ,lord1 ,that if to be hanged up presently before their eyes1 would be a means to awaken them1 and confirm them in the truth1 ,i gladly should be contented4 #bhb4 ,for ,i have been in my preaching1 especially when ,i have been engaged in the doctrine of life by ,christ1 without works1 as if an angel of ,god had stood by at my back to encourage me3 ,oh6 it hath been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul1 while ,i have been labouring to unfold it1 to demonstrate it1 and to fasten it upon the conscience of others2 that ,i could not be contented with saying1 ,i believe1 and am sure2 methought ,i was more than sure 7if it be lawful to express myself7 that those things which then ,i asserted1 were true4 #bhc4 ,when ,i first went to preach the word abroad1 the doctors and priests of the country did open wide against me4 ,but ,i was persuaded of this1 not to render railing for railing2 but to see how many of their carnal professors ,i could convince of their miserable state by the law1 and of the want and worth of ,christ3 for1 thought ,i1 ,this shall answer for me in time to come1 when they shall be for my hire before their face4 ,gen4 xxx4 #cc4 #bhd4 ,i never cared to meddle with things that were controverted1 and in dispute among the saints1 especially things of the lowest nature2 yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of faith1 and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of ,jesus3 but ,i say1 as to other things1 ,i should let them alone1 because ,i saw they engendered strife2 and because that they neither in doing1 nor in leaving undone1 did commend us to ,god to be ,his3 besides1 ,i saw my work before me did run into another channel1 even to carry an awakening word2 to that therefore did ,i stick and adhere4 #bhe4 ,i never endeavoured to1 nor durst make use of other men's lines1 ,rom4 xv4 #ah 7though ,i condemn not all that do71 for ,i verily thought1 and found by experience1 that what was taught me by the word and ,spirit of ,christ1 could be spoken1 maintained1 and stood to1 by the soundest and best established conscience2 and though ,i will not now speak all that ,i know in this matter1 yet my experience hath more interest in that text of scripture1 ,gal4 i4 #aa1 #ab1 than many amongst men are aware4 #bhf4 ,if any of those who were awakened by my ministry1 did after that fall back 7as sometimes too many did71 ,i can truly say1 their loss hath been more to me1 than if one of my own children1 begotten of my own body1 had been going to its grave3 ,i think verily1 ,i may speak it without any offence to the ,lord1 nothing has gone so near me as that2 unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul4 ,i have counted as if ,i had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my children were born2 my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work1 that ,i counted myself more blessed and honoured of ,god by this1 than if ,he had made me the emperor of the ,christian world1 or the lord of all the glory of the earth without it6 ,oh these words6 ,he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way1 shall save a soul from death4 ,james v4 #bj4 ,the fruit of the righteous is a tree of life2 and he that winneth souls is wise4 ,prov4 xi4 #cj4 ,they that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament1 and they that turn many to righteousness1 as the stars for ever and ever4 ,dan4 xii4 #c4 ,for what is our hope1 or joy1 or crown of rejoicing8 ,are not even ye in the presence of our ,lord ,jesus ,christ at ,his coming8 ,for ye are our glory and joy4 #a ,thes4 ii4 #ai1 #bj4 ,these1 ,i say1 with many others of a like nature1 have been great refreshments to me4 #bhg4 ,i have observed1 that where ,i have had a work to do for ,god1 ,i have had first1 as it were1 the going of ,god upon my spirit1 to desire ,i might preach there3 ,i have also observed1 that such and such souls in particular1 have been strongly set upon my heart1 and ,i stirred up to wish for their salvation2 and that these very souls have1 after this1 been given in as the fruits of my ministry4 ,i have observed1 that a word cast in1 by-the-bye1 hath done more execution in a sermon1 than all that was spoken besides3 sometimes also1 when ,i have thought ,i did no good1 then ,i did the most of all2 and at other times1 when ,i thought ,i should catch them1 ,i have fished for nothing4 #bhh4 ,i have also observed1 that where there has been a work to do upon sinners1 there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and by the mouths of his servants3 yea1 oftentimes1 when the wicked world hath raged most1 there hath been souls awakened by the word3 ,i could instance particulars1 but ,i forbear4 #bhi4 ,my great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into the darkest places of the country1 even amongst those people that were farthest off of profession2 yet not because ,i could not endure the light 7for ,i feared not to show my gospel to any7 but because ,i found my spirit did lean most after awakening and converting work1 and the word that ,i carried did lean itself most that way also2 ,yea1 so have ,i strived to preach the gospel1 not where ,christ was named1 lest ,i should build upon another man's foundation4 ,rom4 xv4 #bj4 #bij4 ,in my preaching ,i have really been in pain1 and have1 as it were1 travailed to bring forth children to ,god2 neither could ,i be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work4 ,if ,i were fruitless1 it mattered not who commanded me3 but if ,i were fruitful1 ,i cared not who did condemn4 ,i have thought of that3 ,lo6 children are an heritage of the ,lord2 and the fruit of the womb is ,his reward4--,as arrows are in the hand of a mighty man1 so are children of the youth4 ,happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them3 they shall not be ashamed1 but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate4 ,psalm cxxvii4 #c-e4 #bia4 ,it pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions1 if they seemed ignorant of ,jesus ,christ1 and the worth of their own salvation1 sound conviction for sin1 especially for unbelief1 and a heart set on fire to be saved by ,christ1 with strong breathings after a truly sanctified soul3 that it was that delighted me2 those were the souls ,i counted blessed4 #bib4 ,but in this work1 as in all other1 ,i had my temptations attending me1 and that of divers kinds2 as sometimes ,i should be assaulted with great discouragement therein1 fearing that ,i should not be able to speak a word at all to edification2 nay1 that ,i should not be able to speak sense unto the people2 at which times ,i should have such a strange faintness and strengthlessness seize upon my body1 that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise4 #bic4 ,sometimes again when ,i have been preaching1 ,i have been violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy1 and strongly tempted to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation4 ,i have also at some times1 even when ,i have begun to speak the word with much clearness1 evidence1 and liberty of speech1 yet been1 before the ending of that opportunity1 so blinded and so estranged from the things ,i have been speaking1 and have been also so straightened in my speech1 as to utterance before the people1 that ,i have been as if ,i had not known1 or remembered what ,i have been about2 or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of my exercise4 #bid4 ,again1 when as sometimes ,i have been about to preach upon some smart and searching portion of the word1 ,i have found the tempter suggest1 ,what6 will you preach this6 ,this condemns yourself2 of this your own soul is guilty2 wherefore preach not of it at all2 or if you do1 yet so mince it1 as to make way for your own escape2 lest instead of awakening others1 you lay that guilt upon your own soul1 that you will never get from under4 #bie4 ,but ,i thank the ,lord1 ,i have been kept from consenting to these so horrid suggestions1 and have rather1 as ,sampson1 bowed myself with all my might1 to condemn sin and transgression1 wherever ,i found it2 yea1 though therein also ,i did bring guilt upon my own conscience3 ,let me die 7thought ,i71 with the ,philistines1 ,judges xvi4 #bi1 #cj1 rather than deal corruptly with the blessed word of ,god4 ,thou that teachest another1 teachest thou not thyself8 ,it is far better that thou do judge thyself1 even by preaching plainly unto others1 than that thou1 to save thyself1 imprison the truth in righteousness4 ,blessed be ,god for ,his help also in this4 #bif4 ,i have also1 while found in this blessed work of ,christ1 been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart3 and though ,i dare not say1 ,i have not been affected with this1 yet truly the ,lord of ,his precious mercy1 hath so carried it towards me1 that for the most part ,i have had but small joy to give way to such a thing3 for it hath been my every day's portion to be let into the evil of my own heart1 and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein1 that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and attainments2 ,i have felt this thorn in the flesh1 #b ,cor4 xii4 #h1 #i1 the very mercy of ,god to me4 #big4 ,i have also had1 together with this1 some notable place or other of the word presented before me1 which word hath contained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul1 notwithstanding gifts and parts3 as1 for instance1 that hath been of great use to me3 ,though ,i speak with the tongues of men and angels1 and have not charity1 ,i am become as sounding brass1 and a tinkling cymbal4 #a ,cor4 xiii4 #a1 #b4 #bih4 ,a tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music1 with which a skilful player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music1 that all who hear him play1 can scarcely hold from dancing2 and yet behold the cymbal hath not life1 neither comes the music from it1 but because of the art of him that plays therewith2 so then the instrument at last may come to nought and perish1 though in times past such music hath been made upon it4 #bii4 ,just thus ,i saw it was1 and will be1 with them who have gifts1 but want saving grace2 they are in the hand of ,christ1 as the cymbal in the hand of ,david3 and as ,david could with the cymbal make that mirth in the service of ,god1 as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers1 so ,christ can use these gifted men1 as with them to affect the souls of ,his people in ,his church2 yet when ,he hath done all1 hang them by1 as lifeless1 though sounding cymbals4 #cjj4 ,this consideration therefore1 together with some others1 were for the most part1 as a maul on the head of pride1 and desire of vain-glory4 ,what1 thought ,i1 shall ,i be proud because ,i am a sounding brass8 ,is it so much to be a fiddle8 hath not the least creature that hath life1 more of ,god in it than these8 ,besides1 ,i knew 'twas love should never die1 but these must cease and vanish3 so ,i concluded1 a little grace1 a little love1 a little of the true fear of ,god1 is better than all the gifts3 yea1 and ,i am fully convinced of it1 that it is possible for souls that can scarce give a man an answer1 but with great confusion as to method2 ,i say1 it is possible for them to have a thousand times more grace1 and so to be more in the love and favour of the ,lord1 than some who by the virtue of the gift of knowledge1 can deliver themselves like angels4 #cja4 ,thus therefore ,i came to perceive that1 though gifts in themselves were good1 to the thing for which they are designed1 to wit1 the edification of others2 yet empty1 and without power to save the soul of him that hath them1 if they be alone3 neither are they1 as so1 any sign of a man's state to be happy1 being only a dispensation of ,god to some1 of whose improvement1 or non-improvement1 they must when a little love more is over1 give an account to ,him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead4 #cjb4 ,this showed me too1 that gifts being alone1 were dangerous1 not in themselves1 but because of those evils that attend them that have them1 to wit1 pride1 desire of vain glory1 self-conceit1 etc41 all which were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of every unadvised ,christian1 to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into the condemnation of the devil4 #cjc4 ,i saw therefore that he that hath gifts1 had need be let into a sight of the nature of them1 to wit1 that they come short of making of him to be in a truly saved condition1 lest he rest in them1 and so fall short of the grace of ,god4 #cjd4 ,he hath cause also to walk humbly with ,god and be little in his own eyes1 and to remember withal1 that his gifts are not his own1 but the churches2 and that by them he is made a servant to the church2 and he must also give at last an account of his stewardship unto the ,lord ,jesus1 and to give a good account will be a blessed thing4 #cje4 ,let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the ,lord 7gifts indeed are desirable71 but yet great grace and small gifts are better than great gifts and no grace4 ,it doth not say1 the ,lord gives gifts and glory1 but the ,lord gives grace and glory2 and blessed is such an one1 to whom the ,lord gives grace1 true grace2 for that is a certain forerunner of glory4 #cjf4 ,but when ,satan perceived that his thus tempting and assaulting of me1 would not answer his design2 to wit1 to overthrow the ministry1 and make it ineffectual1 as to the ends thereof3 then he tried another way1 which was1 to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious to load me with slanders and reproaches3 now therefore ,i may say1 that what the devil could devise1 and his instruments invent1 was whirled up and down the country against me1 thinking1 as ,i said1 that by that means they should make my ministry to be abandoned4 #cjg4 ,it began therefore to be rumoured up and down among the people1 that ,i was a witch1 a ,jesuit1 a highwayman1 and the like4 ,picture3 ,bunyan is looked on with ,suspicion #cjh4 ,to all which1 ,i shall only say1 ,god knows that ,i am innocent4 ,but as for mine accusers1 let them provide themselves to meet me before the tribunal of the ,son of ,god1 there to answer for all these things 7with all the rest of their iniquities7 unless ,god shall give them repentance for them1 for the which ,i pray with all my heart4 #cji4 ,but that which was reported with the boldest confidence1 was1 that ,i had my misses1 my whores1 my bastards2 yea1 two wives at once1 and the like4 ,now these slanders 7with the others7 ,i glory in1 because but slanders1 foolish or knavish lies1 and falsehoods cast upon me by the devil and his seed2 and1 should ,i not be dealt with thus wickedly by the world1 ,i should want one sign of a saint1 and a child of ,god4 ,blessed are ye 7said the ,lord ,jesus7 when men shall revile you and persecute you1 and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for ,my sake2 rejoice and be exceeding glad1 for great is your reward in heaven1 for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you4 ,matt4 iv4 #aa4 #caj4 ,these things therefore1 upon mine own account1 trouble me not2 no1 though they were twenty times more than they are4 ,i have a good conscience1 and whereas they speak evil of me1 as an evil-doer1 they shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good conversation in ,christ4 #caa4 ,so then1 what shall ,i say to those who have thus bespattered me8 ,shall ,i threaten them8 ,shall ,i chide them8 ,shall ,i flatter them8 ,shall ,i entreat them to hold their tongues8 ,no1 not ,i4 ,were it not for that these things make them ripe for damnation1 that are the authors and abettors1 ,i would say unto them1 ,report it1 because 'twill increase my glory4 #cab4 ,therefore ,i bind these lies and slanders to me as an ornament2 it belongs to my ,christian profession to be vilified1 slandered1 reproached and reviled2 and since all this is nothing else1 as my ,god and my conscience do bear me witness1 ,i rejoice in reproaches for ,christ's sake4 #cac4 ,i also call all these fools or knaves1 that have thus made it any thing of their business to affirm any of the things afore-named of me2 namely1 ,that ,i have been naught with other women1 or the like4 ,when they have used the utmost of their endeavours1 and made the fullest inquiry that they can1 to prove against me truly1 that there is any woman in heaven1 or earth1 or hell1 that can say1 ,i have at any time1 in any place1 by day or night1 so much as attempted to be naught with them2 and speak ,i thus to beg my enemies into a good esteem of me8 ,no1 not ,i3 ,i will in this beg belief of no man3 believe or disbelieve me in this1 all is a-case to me4 #cad4 ,my foes have missed their mark in this shooting at me3 ,i am not the man3 ,i wish that they themselves be guiltless4 ,if all the fornicators and adulterers in ,england were hanged up by the neck till they be dead1 ,john ,bunyan1 the object of their envy1 would be still alive and well4 ,i know not whether there be such a thing as a woman breathing under the copes of the whole heaven1 but by their apparel1 their children1 or by common fame1 except my wife4 #cae4 ,and in this ,i admire the wisdom of ,god1 that ,he made me shy of women from my first conversion until now4 ,those shy of women know1 and can also bear me witness1 with whom ,i have been most intimately concerned1 that it is a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards a woman3 the common salutation of women ,i abhor2 'tis odious to me in whomsoever ,i see it4 ,their company alone1 ,i cannot away with2 ,i seldom so much as touch a woman's hand2 for ,i think these things are not so becoming me4 ,when ,i have seen good men salute those women that they have visited1 or that have visited them1 ,i have at times made my objection against it2 and when they have answered1 that it was but a piece of civility1 ,i have told them1 it is not a comely sight4 ,some indeed have urged the holy kiss2 but then ,i have asked why they made baulks8 why they did salute the most handsome1 and let the ill-favoured go8 ,thus1 how laudable soever such things have been in the eyes of others1 they have been unseemly in my sight4 #caf4 ,and now for a wind-up in this matter1 ,i calling not only men1 but angels1 to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any woman save my wife3 nor am ,i afraid to do it a second time2 knowing that it cannot offend the ,lord in such a case1 to call ,god for a record upon my soul1 that in these things ,i am innocent4 ,not that ,i have been thus kept1 because of any goodness in me1 more than any other2 but ,god has been merciful to me1 and has kept me2 to whom ,i pray that ,he will keep me still1 not only from this1 but every evil way and work1 and preserve me to ,his heavenly kingdom4 ,amen4 #cag4 ,now as ,satan laboured by reproaches and slanders1 to make me vile among my countrymen2 that1 if possible1 my preaching might be made of none effect2 so there was added hereto1 a long and tedious imprisonment1 that thereby ,i might be frightened from my service for ,christ1 and the world terrified1 and made afraid to hear me preach2 of which ,i shall in the next place give you a brief account4 ,a ,,brief ,,account ,,of ,,the ,,author',s ,,imprisonment #cah4 ,having made profession of the glorious gospel of ,christ a long time1 and preached the same about five years1 ,i was apprehended at a meeting of good people in the country 7among whom1 had they let me alone1 ,i should have preached that day1 but they took me away from amongst them71 and had me before a justice2 who1 after ,i had offered security for my appearing at the next sessions1 yet committed me1 because my sureties would not consent to be bound that ,i should preach no more to the people4 #cai4 ,at the sessions after ,i was indicted for an upholder and maintainer of unlawful assemblies and conventicles1 and for not conforming to the national worship of the church of ,england2 and after some conference there with the justices1 they taking my plain dealing with them for a confession1 as they termed it1 of the indictment1 did sentence me to a perpetual banishment1 because ,i refused to conform4 ,so being again delivered up to the jailer's hands1 ,i was had home to prison1 and there have lain now complete twelve years1 waiting to see what ,god would suffer these men to do with me4 #cbj4 ,in which condition ,i have continued with much content1 through grace1 but have met with many turnings and goings upon my heart1 both from the ,lord1 ,satan1 and my own corruptions2 by all which 7glory be to ,jesus ,christ7 ,i have also received among many things1 much conviction1 instruction1 and understanding1 of which at large ,i shall not here discourse2 only give you a hint or two1 a word that may stir up the godly to bless ,god1 and to pray for me2 and also to take encouragement1 should the case be their own--not to fear what man can do unto them4 #cba4 ,i never had in all my life so great an inlet into the word of ,god as now3 those scriptures that ,i saw nothing in before1 are made in this place and state to shine upon me2 ,jesus ,christ also was never more real and apparent than now2 here ,i have seen and felt ,him indeed3 ,oh6 that word1 ,we have not preached unto you cunningly devised fables1 #b ,pet4 i4 #af1 and that1 ,god raised ,christ from the dead1 and gave ,him glory1 that our faith and hope might be in ,god #a ,pet4 i4 #ba1 were blessed words unto me in this my imprisoned condition4 #cbb4 ,these three or four scriptures also have been great refreshments in this condition to me3 ,john xiv4 #a-d2 ,john xvi4 #cc2 ,col4 iii4 #c1 #d2 ,heb4 xii4 #bb-bd4 ,so that sometimes when ,i have been in the savour of them1 ,i have been able to laugh at destruction1 and to fear neither the horse nor his rider4 ,i have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place1 and of my being with ,jesus in another world3 ,oh6 the mount ,sion1 the heavenly ,jerusalem1 the innumerable company of angels1 and ,god the ,judge of all1 and the spirits of just men made perfect1 and ,jesus1 have been sweet unto me in this place3 ,i have seen that here1 that ,i am persuaded ,i shall never1 while in this world1 be able to express3 ,i have seen a truth in this scripture1 ,whom having not seen1 ye love2 in whom1 though now you see ,him not1 yet believing1 ye rejoice with joy unspeakable1 and full of glory4 #a ,pet4 i4 #h4 #cbc4 ,i never knew what it was for ,god to stand by me at all turns1 and at every offer of ,satan to afflict me1 etc41 as ,i have found ,him since ,i came in hither3 for look how fears have presented themselves1 so have supports and encouragements2 yea1 when ,i have started1 even as it were1 at nothing else but my shadow1 yet ,god1 as being very tender of me1 hath not suffered me to be molested1 but would with one scripture or another1 strengthen me against all2 insomuch that ,i have often said1 were it lawful1 ,i could pray for greater trouble1 for the greater comfort's sake4 ,eccl4 vii4 #ad2 #b ,cor4 i4 #e4 #cbd4 ,before ,i came to prison1 ,i saw what was coming1 and had especially two considerations warm upon my heart2 the first was1 how to be able to encounter death1 should that be here my portion4 ,for the first of these1 that scripture1 ,col4 i4 #aa1 was great information to me1 namely1 to pray to ,god to be strengthened with all might1 according to ,his glorious power1 unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness4 ,i could seldom go to prayer before ,i was imprisoned2 but for not so little as a year together1 this sentence1 or sweet petition would1 as it were1 thrust itself into my mind1 and persuade me1 that if ever ,i would go through long-suffering1 ,i must have all patience1 especially if ,i would endure it joyfully4 #cbe4 ,as to the second consideration1 that saying 7#b ,cor4 i4 #i7 was of great use to me1 ,but we had the sentence of death in ourselves1 that we should not trust in ourselves1 but in ,god1 which raiseth the dead4 ,by this scripture ,i was made to see1 ,that if ever ,i would suffer rightly1 ,i must first pass a sentence of death upon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life1 even to reckon myself1 my wife1 my children1 my health1 my enjoyments1 and all as dead to me1 and myself as dead to them4 #cbf4 ,the second was to live upon ,god that is invisible1 as ,paul said in another place2 the way not to faint is1 ,to look not on the things that are seen1 but at the things that are not seen2 for the things that are seen are temporal1 but the things that are not seen are eternal4 ,and thus ,i reasoned with myself1 if ,i provide only for a prison1 then the whip comes at unawares2 and so doth also the pillory3 ,again1 if ,i only provide for these1 then ,i am not fit for banishment4 ,further1 if ,i conclude that banishment is the worst1 then if death comes1 ,i am surprised3 so that ,i see1 the best way to go through sufferings1 is to trust in ,god through ,christ1 as touching the world to come2 and as touching this world1 to count the grave my house1 to make my bed in darkness2 to say to corruption1 ,thou art my father1 and to the worm1 ,thou art my mother and sister3 that is1 to familiarize these things to me4 #cbg4 ,but notwithstanding these helps1 ,i found myself a man and compassed with infirmities2 the parting with my wife and poor children1 hath often been to me in this place1 as the pulling the flesh from the bones1 and that not only because ,i am somewhat too fond of these great mercies1 but also because ,i should have often brought to my mind the many hardships1 miseries1 and wants that my poor family was like to meet with1 should ,i be taken from them1 especially my poor blind child1 who lay nearer my heart than all besides3 ,oh6 the thoughts of the hardship ,i thought my poor blind one might go under1 would break my heart to pieces4 ,picture3 ,bunyan ,parting with his ,wife and ,children #cbh4 ,poor child6 thought ,i1 what sorrow art thou like to have for thy portion in this world6 ,thou must be beaten1 must beg1 suffer hunger1 cold1 nakedness1 and a thousand calamities1 though ,i cannot now endure the wind should blow upon thee4 ,but yet recalling myself1 thought ,i1 ,i must venture you all with ,god1 though it goeth to the quick to leave you3 ,oh6 ,i saw in this condition ,i was as a man who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and children2 yet1 thought ,i1 ,i must do it1 ,i must do it3 and now ,i thought on those two milch kine that were to carry the ark of ,god into another country1 and to leave their calves behind them4 #a ,sam4 vi4 #aj-ab4 #cbi4 ,but that which helped me in this temptation1 was divers considerations1 of which1 three in special here ,i will name1 the first was the consideration of these two scriptures1 ,leave thy fatherless children1 ,i will preserve them alive1 and let thy widows trust in me3 and again1 ,the ,lord said1 ,verily it shall be well with thy remnant1 verily1 ,i will cause the enemy to entreat thee well in the time of evil1 and in time of affliction4 ,jer4 xlix4 #aa2 xv4 #aa4 #ccj4 ,i had also this consideration1 that if ,i should not venture all for ,god1 ,i engaged ,god to take care of my concernments3 but if ,i forsook ,him and ,his ways1 for fear of any trouble that should come to me or mine1 then ,i should not only falsify my profession1 but should count also that my concernments were not so sure1 if left at ,god's feet1 whilst ,i stood to and for ,his name1 as they would be if they were under my own care1 though with the denial of the way of ,god4 ,this was a smarting consideration1 and as spurs unto my flesh4 ,that scripture also greatly helped it to fasten the more upon me1 where ,christ prays against ,judas1 that ,god would disappoint him in his selfish thoughts1 which moved him to sell his ,master4 ,pray read it soberly3 ,psalm cix4 #f-h1 etc4 #cca4 ,i had also another consideration1 and that was1 the dread of the torments of hell1 which ,i was sure they must partake of that for fear of the cross1 do shrink from their profession of ,christ1 ,his words and laws before the sons of men3 ,i thought also of the glory that ,he had prepared for those that in faith1 and love1 and patience1 stood to ,his ways before them4 ,these things1 ,i say1 have helped me1 when the thoughts of the misery that both myself and mine1 might for the sake of my profession be exposed to1 hath lain pinching on my mind4 #ccb4 ,when ,i have indeed conceited that ,i might be banished for my profession1 then ,i have thought of that scripture3 ,they were stoned1 they were sawn asunder1 were tempted1 were slain with the sword1 they wandered about in sheep-skins1 and goat-skins1 being destitute1 afflicted1 tormented1 of whom the world was not worthy2 for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them4 ,i have also thought of that saying1 the ,holy ,ghost witnesseth in every city1 that bonds and afflictions abide me4 ,i have verily thought that my soul and it have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate of a banished and exiled condition1 how they were exposed to hunger1 to cold1 to perils1 to nakedness1 to enemies1 and a thousand calamities2 and at last1 it may be1 to die in a ditch1 like a poor and desolate sheep4 ,but ,i thank ,god1 hitherto ,i have not been moved by these most delicate reasonings1 but have rather1 by them1 more approved my heart to ,god4 #ccc4 ,i will tell you a pretty business3--,i was once above all the rest1 in a very sad and low condition for many weeks2 at which time also1 ,i being but a young prisoner1 and not acquainted with the laws1 had this lying much upon my spirits1 that my imprisonment might end at the gallows for ought that ,i could tell4 ,now therefore ,satan laid hard at me1 to beat me out of heart1 by suggesting thus unto me3 ,but how if1 when you come indeed to die1 you should be in this condition2 that is1 as not to savour the things of ,god1 nor to have any evidence upon your soul for a better state hereafter8 7for indeed at that time all the things of ,god were hid from my soul74 #ccd4 ,wherefore1 when ,i at first began to think of this1 it was a great trouble to me2 for ,i thought with myself1 that in the condition ,i now was in1 ,i was not fit to die1 neither indeed did ,i think ,i could1 if ,i should be called to it2 besides1 ,i thought with myself1 if ,i should make a scrambling shift to clamber up the ladder1 yet ,i should either with quaking1 or other symptoms of fainting1 give occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of ,god and ,his people for their timorousness4 ,this1 therefore1 lay with great trouble upon me1 for methought ,i was ashamed to die with a pale face1 and tottering knees1 in such a cause as this4 #cce4 ,wherefore ,i prayed to ,god that ,he would comfort me1 and give me strength to do and suffer me what ,he should call me to2 yet no comfort appeared1 but all continued hid3 ,i was also at this time1 so really possessed with the thought of death1 that oft ,i was as if ,i was on a ladder with the rope about my neck2 only this was some encouragement to me2 ,i thought ,i might now have an opportunity to speak my last words to a multitude1 which ,i thought would come to see me die2 and1 thought ,i1 if it must be so1 if ,god will but convert one soul by my very last words1 ,i shall not count my life thrown away1 nor lost4 #ccf4 ,but yet all the things of ,god were kept out of my sight1 and still the tempter followed me with1 ,but whither must you go when you die8 what will become of you8 where will you be found in another world8 what evidence have you for heaven and glory1 and an inheritance among them that are sanctified8 ,thus was ,i tossed for many weeks1 and knew not what to do2 at last this consideration fell with weight upon me1 that it was for the word and way of ,god that ,i was in this condition1 ,wherefore ,i was engaged not to flinch an hair's breadth from it4 #ccg4 ,i thought also1 that ,god might choose whether ,he would give me comfort now1 or at the hour of death2 but ,i might not therefore choose whether ,i would hold my profession or no3 ,i was bound1 but ,he was free2 yea1 'twas my duty to stand to ,his word1 whether ,he would ever look upon me or save me at the last3 wherefore1 thought ,i1 save the point being thus1 ,i am for going on1 and venturing my eternal state with ,christ1 whether ,i have comfort here or no2 if ,god doth not come in1 thought ,i1 ,i will leap off the ladder even blindfold into eternity1 sink or swim1 come heaven1 come hell1 ,lord ,jesus1 if ,thou wilt catch me1 do2 if not1 ,i will venture for ,thy name4 #cch4 ,i was no sooner fixed in this resolution1 but the word dropped upon me1 ,doth ,job serve ,god for nought8 ,as if the accuser had said1 ,lord1 ,job is no upright man1 he serves ,thee for bye-respects3 hast ,thou not made an hedge about him1 etc4 ,but put forth now ,thine hand1 and touch all that he hath1 and1 he will curse ,thee to ,thy face4 ,how now6 thought ,i1 is this the sign of an upright soul1 to desire to serve ,god1 when all is taken from him8 ,is he a godly man that will serve ,god for nothing1 rather than give out6 ,blessed be ,god6 then ,i hope ,i have an upright heart1 for ,i am resolved 7,god giving me strength7 never to deny my profession1 though ,i have nothing at all for my pains3 and as ,i was thus considering1 that scripture was set before me3 ,psalm xliv4 #ab1 etc4 #cci4 ,now was my heart full of comfort2 for ,i hoped it was sincere3 ,i would not have been without this trial for much2 ,i am comforted every time ,i think of it1 and ,i hope ,i shall bless ,god for ever1 for the teaching ,i have had by it4 ,many more of the dealings towards me ,i might relate1 ,but these out of the spoils won in battle ,i have dedicated to maintain the house of ,god4 #a ,chron4 xxvi4 #bg4 ,,the ,,conclusion #a4 ,,of all the temptations that ever ,i met with in my life1 to question the being of ,god1 and truth of ,his gospel is the worst1 and the worst to be borne2 when this temptation comes1 it takes away my girdle from me1 and removeth the foundation from under me3 ,oh6 ,i have often thought of that word1 ,have your loins girt about with truth2 and of that1 ,when the foundations are destroyed1 what can the righteous do8 #b4 ,sometimes1 when after sin committed1 ,i have looked for sore chastisement from the hand of ,god1 the very next that ,i have had from ,him1 hath been the discovery of ,his grace4 ,sometimes when ,i have been comforted1 ,i have called myself a fool for my so sinking under trouble4 ,and then again1 when ,i have been cast down1 ,i thought ,i was not wise1 to give such way to comfort2 with such strength and weight have both these been upon me4 #c4 ,i have wondered much at this one thing1 that though ,god doth visit my soul with never so blessed a discovery of ,himself1 yet ,i have found again1 that such hours have attended me afterwards1 that ,i have been in my spirit so filled with darkness1 that ,i could not so much as once conceive what that ,god and that comfort was1 with which ,i have been refreshed4 #d4 ,i have sometimes seen more in a line of the ,bible1 than ,i could well tell how to stand under2 and yet at another time1 the whole ,bible hath been to me as dry as a stick2 or rather1 ,my heart hath been so dead and dry unto it1 that ,i could not conceive the refreshment1 though ,i have looked it all over4 #e4 ,of all fears1 they are best that are made by the blood of ,christ2 and of all joy1 that is the sweetest that is mixed with mourning over ,christ3 ,oh6 it is a goodly thing to be on our knees1 with ,christ in our arms1 before ,god3 ,i hope ,i know something of these things4 #f4 ,i find to this day seven abominations in my heart3 #a4 ,inclining to unbelief2 #b4 ,suddenly to forget the love and mercy that ,christ manifesteth2 #c4 ,a leaning to the works of the law2 #d4 ,wanderings and coldness in prayer2 #e4 ,to forget to watch for that ,i pray for2 #f4 ,apt to murmur because ,i have no more1 and yet ready to abuse what ,i have2 #g4 ,i can do none of those things which ,god commands me1 but my corruptions will thrust in themselves4 ,when ,i would do good1 evil is present with me4 #g4 ,these things ,i continually see and feel1 and am afflicted and oppressed with1 yet the wisdom of ,god doth order them for my good2 #a4 ,they make me abhor myself2 #b4 ,they keep me from trusting my heart2 #c4 ,they convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent righteousness2 #d4 ,they show me the necessity of flying to ,jesus2 #e4 ,they press me to pray unto ,god2 #f4 ,they show me the need ,i have to watch and be sober2 #g4 ,and provoke me to pray unto ,god1 through ,christ1 to help me1 and carry me through this world4 ,a ,,relation ,,of ,,my ,,imprisonment ,,in ,,the ,,month ,,of ,,november #affj ,,when1 by the good hand of my ,god1 ,i had for five or six years together1 without any interruption1 freely preached the blessed gospel of our ,lord ,jesus ,christ2 and had also1 through ,his blessed grace1 some encouragement by ,his blessing thereupon2 the devil1 that old enemy of man's salvation1 took his opportunity to inflame the hearts of his vassals against me1 insomuch that at the last1 ,i was laid out for by the warrant of a justice1 and was taken and committed to prison4 ,the relation thereof is as followeth3-- ,upon the #abth of this instant1 ,november #affj1 ,i was desired by some of the friends in the country to come to teach at ,samsell1 by ,harlington1 in ,bedfordshire4 ,to whom ,i made a promise1 if the ,lord permitted1 to be with them on the time aforesaid4 ,the justice hearing thereof 7whose name is ,mr ,francis ,wingate71 forthwith issued out his warrant to take me1 and bring me before him1 and in the meantime to keep a very strong watch about the house where the meeting should be kept1 as if we that were to meet together in that place did intend to do some fearful business1 to the destruction of the country2 when alas6 the constable1 when he came in1 found us only with our ,bibles in our hands1 ready to speak and hear the word of ,god2 for we were just about to begin our exercise4 ,nay1 we had begun in prayer for the blessing of ,god upon our opportunity1 intending to have preached the word of the ,lord unto them there present3 #ahd but the constable coming in prevented us4 ,so ,i was taken and forced to depart the room4 ,but had ,i been minded to have played the coward1 ,i could have escaped and kept out of his hands4 ,for when ,i was come to my friend's house1 there was whispering that that day ,i should be taken1 for there was a warrant out to take me2 which when my friend heard1 he being somewhat timorous1 questioned whether we had best have our meeting or not2 and whether it might not be better for me to depart1 lest they should take me and have me before the justice1 and after that send me to prison 7for he knew better than ,i what spirit they were of1 living by them73 to whom ,i said1 ,no1 by no means1 ,i will not stir1 neither will ,i have the meeting dismissed for this4 ,come1 be of good cheer2 let us not be daunted2 our cause is good1 we need not be ashamed of it2 to preach ,god's ,word1 is so good a work1 that we shall be well rewarded1 if we suffer for that2 or to this purpose--7,but as for my friend1 ,i think he was more afraid of me1 than of himself47 ,after this ,i walked into the close1 where ,i somewhat seriously considering the matter1 this came into my mind1 ,that ,i had showed myself hearty and courageous in my preaching1 and had1 blessed be grace1 made it my business to encourage others2 therefore thought ,i1 if ,i should now run1 and make an escape1 it will be of a very ill savour in the country4 ,for what will my weak and newly-converted brethren think of it1 but that ,i was not so strong in deed as ,i was in word8 ,also ,i feared that if ,i should run now there was a warrant out for me1 ,i might by so doing make them afraid to stand1 when great words only should be spoken to them4 ,besides ,i thought1 that seeing ,god of ,his mercy should choose me to go upon the forlorn hope in this country2 that is1 to be the first1 that should be opposed1 for the gospel2 if ,i should fly1 it might be a discouragement to the whole body that might follow after4 ,and further1 ,i thought the world thereby would take occasion at my cowardliness1 to have blasphemed the gospel1 and to have had some ground to suspect worse of me and my profession1 than ,i deserved4 ,these things with others considered by me1 ,i came in again to the house1 with a full resolution to keep the meeting1 and not to go away1 though ,i could have been gone about an hour before the officer apprehended me2 but ,i would not2 for ,i was resolved to see the utmost of what they could say or do unto me4 ,for blessed be the ,lord1 ,i knew of no evil that ,i had said or done4 ,and so1 as aforesaid1 ,i begun the meeting4 ,but being prevented by the constable's coming in with his warrant to take me1 ,i could not proceed4 ,but before ,i went away1 ,i spake some few words of counsel and encouragement to the people1 declaring to them1 that they saw we were prevented of our opportunity to speak and hear the ,word of ,god1 and were like to suffer for the same2 desiring them that they would not be discouraged1 for it was a mercy to suffer upon so good account4 ,for we might have been apprehended as thieves or murderers1 or for other wickedness2 but blessed be ,god it was not so1 but we suffer as ,christians for well doing3 and we had better be the persecuted1 than the persecutors1 etc4 ,but the constable and the justice's man waiting on us1 would not be at quiet till they had me away and that we departed the house4 ,but because the justice was not at home that day1 there was a friend of mine engaged for me to bring me to the constable on the morrow morning4 ,otherwise the constable must have charged a watch with me1 or have secured me some other way1 my crime was so great4 ,so on the next morning we went to the constable1 and so to the justice4 #ahg;a ,he asked the constable what we did1 where we was met together1 and what we had with us8 ,i trow1 he meant whether we had armour or not2 but when the constable told him that there were only met a few of us together to preach and hear the ,word1 and no sign of anything else1 he could not well tell what to say3 yet because he had sent for me1 he did adventure to put out a few proposals to me1 which were to this effect1 namely1 ,what ,i did there8 ,and why ,i did not content myself with following my calling8 for it was against the law1 that such as ,i should be admitted to do as ,i did4 ,john ,bunyan4 ,to which ,i answered1 ,that the intent of my coming thither1 and to other places1 was to instruct1 and counsel people to forsake their sins1 and close in with ,christ1 lest they did miserably perish2 and that ,i could do both these without confusion 7to wit71 follow my calling1 and preach the ,word also4 ,at which words1 he #ahg;b was in a chafe1 as it appeared2 for he said that he would break the neck of our meetings4 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,it may be so4 ,then he wished me to get sureties to be bound for me1 or else he would send me to the jail4 ,my sureties being ready1 ,i called them in1 and when the bond for my appearance was made1 he told them1 that they was bound to keep me from preaching2 and that if ,i did preach1 their bonds would be forfeited4 ,to which ,i answered1 that then ,i should break them2 for ,i should not leave speaking the ,word of ,god3 even to counsel1 comfort1 exhort1 and teach the people among whom ,i came2 and ,i thought this to be a work that had no hurt in it3 but was rather worthy of commendation1 than blame4 ,wingate4 ,whereat he told me1 that if they would not be so bound1 my mittimus must be made1 and ,i sent to the jail1 there to lie to the quarter sessions4 ,now while my mittimus was making1 the justice was withdrawn2 and in comes an old enemy to the truth1 ,dr ,lindale1 who1 when he was come in1 fell to taunting at me with many reviling terms4 ,bun4 ,to whom ,i answered1 that ,i did not come thither to talk with him1 but with the justice4 ,whereat he supposed that ,i had nothing to say for myself1 and triumphed as if he had got the victory2 charging and condemning me for meddling with that for which ,i could show no warrant2 and asked me1 if ,i had taken the oaths8 and if ,i had not1 it was pity but that ,i should be sent to prison1 etc4 ,i told him1 that if ,i was minded1 ,i could answer to any sober question that he should put to me4 ,he then urged me again1 how ,i could prove it lawful for me to preach1 with a great deal of confidence of the victory4 ,but at last1 because he should see that ,i could answer him if ,i listed1 ,i cited to him that verse in ,peter1 which saith1 every man hath received the gift1 even so let him minister the same1 etc4 ,lind4 ,aye1 saith he1 to whom is that spoken8 ,bun4 ,to whom1 said ,i1 why to every man that hath received a gift from ,god4 ,mark1 saith the apostle1 ,as every man that hath received a gift from ,god1 etc42 and again1 ,you may all prophesy one by one4 ,whereat the man was a little stopt1 and went a softlier pace3 but not being willing to lose the day1 he began again1 and said3-- ,lind4 ,indeed1 ,i do remember that ,i have read of one ,alexander a coppersmith1 who did much oppose1 and disturb the apostles2--7aiming it is like at me1 because ,i was a tinker74 ,bun4 ,to which ,i answered1 that ,i also had read of very many priests and pharisees1 that had their hands in the blood of our ,lord ,jesus ,christ4 ,lind4 ,aye1 saith he1 and you are one of those scribes and pharisees3 for you1 with a pretence1 make long prayers to devour widows' houses4 ,bun4 ,i answered1 that if he had got no more by preaching and praying than ,i had done1 he would not be so rich as now he was4 ,but that scripture coming into my mind1 ,answer not a fool according to his folly1 ,i was as sparing of my speech as ,i could1 without prejudice to truth4 ,now by this time my mittimus was made1 and ,i committed to the constable1 to be sent to the jail in ,bedford1 etc4 ,but as ,i was going1 two of my brethren met with me by the way1 and desired the constable to stay1 supposing that they should prevail with the justice1 through the favour of a pretended friend1 to let me go at liberty4 ,so we did stay1 while they went to the justice2 and after much discourse with him1 it came to this3 that if ,i would come to him again1 and say some certain words to him1 ,i should be released4 ,which when they told me1 ,i said if the words was such that might be said with a good conscience1 ,i should or else ,i should not4 ,so through their importunity went back again1 but not believing that ,i should be delivered3 for ,i feared their spirit was too full of opposition to the truth to let me go1 unless ,i should1 in something or other1 dishonour my ,god and wound my conscience4 ,wherefore1 as ,i went1 ,i lifted up my heart to ,god1 for light and strength to be kept1 that ,i might not do any thing that might either dishonour ,him1 or wrong my own soul1 or be a grief or discouragement to any that was inclining after the ,lord ,jesus ,christ4 ,well1 when ,i came to the justice again1 there was ,mr ,foster of ,bedford1 who1 coming out of another room1 and seeing me by the light of the candle 7for it was dark night when ,i went thither71 he said unto me1 ,who is there8 ,john ,bunyan8 with such seeming affection1 as if he would have leaped on my neck and kissed #aia;a me1 which made me somewhat wonder1 that such a man as he1 with whom ,i had so little acquaintance1 and1 besides1 that had ever been a close opposer of the ways of ,god1 should carry himself so full of love to me2 but1 afterwards1 when ,i saw what he did1 it caused me to remember those sayings1 ,their tongues are smoother than oil1 but their words are drawn swords4 ,and again1 ,beware of men1 etc4 ,when ,i #aia;b had answered him1 that blessed be ,god1 ,i was well2 he said1 ,what is the occasion of your being here8 or to that purpose4 ,to whom ,i answered1 that ,i was at a meeting of people a little way off1 intending to speak a word of exhortation to them2 the justice hearing thereof1 said ,i1 was pleased to send his warrant to fetch me before him1 etc4 ,fost4 ,so 7said he71 ,i understand3 but well1 if you will promise to call the people no more together1 you shall have your liberty to go home2 for my brother is very loath to send you to prison1 if you will be but ruled4 ,bun4 ,sir 7said ,i71 pray what do you mean by calling the people together8 my business is not anything among them1 when they are come together1 but to exhort them to look after the salvation of their souls1 that they may be saved1 etc4 ,fost4 ,saith he1 ,we must not enter into explication1 or dispute now2 but if you will say you will call the people no more together1 you may have your liberty2 if not1 you must be sent away to prison4 ,bun4 ,sir1 said ,i1 ,i shall not force or compel any man to hear me2 but yet1 if ,i come into any place where there is a people met together1 ,i should1 according to the best of my skill and wisdom1 exhort and counsel them to seek out after the ,lord ,jesus ,christ1 for the salvation of their souls4 ,fost4 ,he said1 ,that was none of my work2 ,i must follow my calling2 and if ,i would but leave off preaching1 and follow my calling1 ,i should have the justice's favour1 and be acquitted presently4 ,bun4 ,to whom ,i said1 that ,i could follow my calling1 and that too1 namely1 preaching the ,word3 and ,i did look upon it as my duty to do them both1 as ,i had an opportunity4 ,fost4 ,he said1 ,to have any such meetings was against the law2 and1 therefore1 he would have me leave off1 and say1 ,i would call the people no more together4 ,bun4 ,to whom ,i said1 that ,i durst not make any further promise2 for my conscience would not suffer me to do it4 ,and again1 ,i did look upon it as my duty to do as much good as ,i could1 not only in my trade1 but also in communicating to all people wheresoever ,i came the best knowledge ,i had in the ,word4 ,fost4 ,he told me that ,i was the nearest the ,papists of any1 and that he would convince me of immediately4 ,bun4 ,i asked him1 ,wherein8 ,fost4 ,he said1 ,in that we understood the ,scriptures literally4 ,bun4 ,i told him that those that were to be understood literally1 we understood them so2 but for those that was to be understood otherwise1 we endeavoured so to understand them4 ,fost4 ,he said1 ,which of the ,scriptures do you understand literally8 ,bun4 ,i said this1 ,he that believes shall be saved4 ,this was to be understood just as it is spoken2 that whosoever believeth in ,christ shall1 according to the plain and simple words of the text1 be saved4 ,fost4 ,he said that ,i was ignorant1 and did not understand the ,scriptures2 for how1 said he1 can you understand them when you know not the original ,greek8 etc4 ,bun4 ,to whom ,i said1 that if that was his opinion1 that none could understand the ,scriptures but those that had the original ,greek1 etc41 then but a very few of the poorest sort should be saved 7this is harsh72 yet the ,scripture saith1 ,that ,god hides these things from the wise and prudent 7that is1 from the learned of the world71 and reveals them to babes and sucklings4 ,fost4 ,he said there were none that heard me but a company of foolish people4 ,bun4 ,i told him that there was the wise as well as the foolish that do hear me2 and again1 those that were most commonly counted foolish by the world are the wisest before ,god2 also1 that ,god had rejected the wise1 and mighty1 and noble1 and chosen the foolish1 and the base4 ,fost4 ,he told me that ,i made people neglect their calling2 and that ,god had commanded people to work six days1 and serve ,him on the seventh4 ,bun4 ,i told him that it was the duty of people1 7both rich and poor71 to look out for their souls on them days as well as for their bodies2 and that ,god would have ,his people exhort one another daily1 while it is called to-day4 ,fost4 ,he said again that there were none but a company of poor1 simple1 ignorant people that come to hear me4 ,bun4 ,i told him that the foolish and the ignorant had most need of teaching and information2 and1 therefore1 it would be profitable for me to go on in that work4 ,fost4 ,well1 said he1 to conclude1 but will you promise that you will not call the people together any more8 and then you may be released and go home4 ,bun4 ,i told him that ,i durst say no more than ,i had said2 for ,i durst not leave off that work which ,god had called me to4 ,so he withdrew from me1 and then came several of the justice's servants to me1 and told me that ,i stood so much upon a nicety4 ,their master1 they said1 was willing to let me go2 and if ,i would but say ,i would call the people no more together1 ,i might have my liberty1 etc4 ,bun4 ,i told them there were more ways than one in which a man might be said to call the people together4 ,as for instance1 if a man get upon the market-place1 and there read a book1 or the like1 though he do not say to the people1 ,sirs1 come hither and hear2 yet if they come to him because he reads1 he1 by his very reading1 may be said to call them together2 because they would not have been there to hear if he had not been there to read4 ,and seeing this might be termed a calling the people together2 ,i durst not say1 ,i would not call them together2 for then1 by the same argument1 my preaching might be said to call them together4 ,wing4 and ,fost4 ,then came the justice and ,mr ,foster to me again2 7we had a little more discourse about preaching1 but because the method of it is out of my mind1 ,i pass it72 and when they saw that ,i was at a point1 and would not be moved nor persuaded1 ,mr ,foster1 the man that did at first express so much love to me1 told the justice that then he must send me away to prison4 ,and that he would do well1 also1 if he would present all those that were the cause of my coming among them to meetings4 ,thus we parted4 ,and1 verily1 as ,i was going forth of the doors1 ,i had much ado to forbear saying to them that ,i carried the peace of ,god along with me2 but ,i held my peace1 and1 blessed be the ,lord1 went away to prison1 with ,god's comfort in my poor soul4 ,after ,i had lain in the jail five or six days1 the brethren sought means1 again1 to get me out by bondsmen2 7for so ran my mittimus1 that ,i should lie there till ,i could find sureties74 ,they went to a justice at ,elstow1 one ,mr ,crumpton1 to desire him to take bond for my appearing at the quarter sessions4 ,at the first he told them he would2 but afterwards he made a demur at the business1 and desired first to see my mittimus1 which ran to this purpose3 ,that ,i went about to several conventicles in the county1 to the great disparagement of the government of the church of ,england1 etc4 ,when he had seen it1 he said that there might be something more against me than was expressed in my mittimus2 and that he was but a young man1 therefore he durst not do it4 ,this my jailor told me2 and1 whereat ,i was not at all daunted but rather glad1 and saw evidently that the ,lord had heard me2 for before ,i went down to the justice1 ,i begged of ,god that if ,i might do more good by being at liberty than in prison1 that then ,i might be set at liberty2 but if not1 ,his will be done2 for ,i was not altogether without hopes but that my imprisonment might be an awakening to the saints in the country1 therefore ,i could not tell well which to choose2 only ,i1 in that manner1 did commit the thing to ,god4 ,and verily1 at my return1 ,i did meet my ,god sweetly in the prison again1 comforting of me and satisfying of me that it was ,his will and mind that ,i should be there4 ,when ,i came back again to prison1 as ,i was musing at the slender answer of the justice1 this word dropt in upon my heart with some life1 ,for ,he knew that for envy they had delivered ,him4 ,thus have ,i1 in short1 declared the manner and occasion of my being in prison2 where ,i lie waiting the good will of ,god1 to do with me as ,he pleaseth2 knowing that not one hair of my head can fall to the ground without the will of my ,father1 which is in heaven4 ,let the rage and malice of men be never so great1 they can do no more1 nor go any further1 than ,god permits them2 but when they have done their worst1 ,we know all things shall work together for good to them that love ,god4 ,farewell4 99 99 99 99 99 ,here is the ,sum of my ,examination before ,justice ,,keelin1 ,justice ,,chester1 ,justice ,,blundale1 ,justice ,,beecher1 ,justice ,,snagg1 etc4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,after ,i had lain in prison above seven weeks1 the quarter-sessions were to be kept in ,bedford1 for the county thereof1 unto which ,i was to be brought2 and when my jailor had set me before those justices1 there was a bill of indictment preferred against me4 ,the extent thereof was as followeth3 ,that ,john ,bunyan1 of the town of ,bedford1 labourer1 being a person of such and such conditions1 he hath 7since such a time7 devilishly and perniciously abstained from coming to church to hear ,divine service1 and is a common upholder of several unlawful meetings and conventicles1 to the great disturbance and distraction of the good subjects of this kingdom1 contrary to the laws of our sovereign lord the ,king1 etc4 ,the ,clerk4 ,when this was read1 the clerk of the sessions said unto me1 ,what say you to this8 ,bun4 ,i said1 that as to the first part of it1 ,i was a common frequenter of the ,church of ,god4 ,and was also1 by grace1 a member with the people1 over whom ,christ is the ,head4 ,keelin4 ,but1 saith ,justice ,keelin 7who was the judge in that court71 do you come to church 7you know what ,i mean72 to the parish church1 to hear ,divine service8 ,bun4 ,i answered1 ,no1 ,i did not4 ,keel4 ,he asked me1 ,why8 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,because ,i did not find it commanded in the ,word of ,god4 ,keel4 ,he said1 ,we were commanded to pray4 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,but not by the ,common ,prayer-,book4 ,keel4 ,he said1 ,how then8 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,with the ,spirit4 ,as the apostle saith1 ,i will pray with the ,spirit1 and with the understanding4 #a ,cor4 xiv4 #ae4 ,keel4 ,he said1 ,we might pray with the ,spirit1 and with the understanding1 and with the ,common ,prayer-,book also4 ,bun4 ,i said1 that the prayers in the ,common ,prayer-,book were such as was made by other men1 and not by the motions of the ,holy ,ghost1 within our hearts2 and as ,i said1 the apostle saith1 he will pray with the ,spirit1 and with the understanding2 not with the ,spirit and the ,common ,prayer-,book4 ,another ,justice4 ,what do you count prayer8 ,do you think it is to say a few words over before or among a people8 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,no1 not so2 for men might have many elegant1 or excellent words1 and yet not pray at all2 but when a man prayeth1 he doth1 through a sense of those things which he wants 7which sense is begotten by the ,spirit71 pour out his heart before ,god through ,christ2 though his words be not so many and so excellent as others are4 ,justices4 ,they said1 ,that was true4 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,this might be done without the ,common ,prayer-,book4 ,another4 ,one of them said 7,i think it was ,justice ,blundale1 or ,justice ,snagg71 ,how should we know that you do not write out your prayers first1 and then read them afterwards to the people8 ,this he spake in a laughing way4 ,bun4 ,i said1 it is not our use1 to take a pen and paper1 and write a few words thereon1 and then go and read it over to a company of people4 ,but how should we know it1 said he8 ,bun4 ,sir1 it is none of our custom1 said ,i4 ,keel4 ,but said ,justice ,keelin1 ,it is lawful to use the ,common ,prayer1 and such like forms3 for ,christ taught ,his disciples to pray1 as ,john also taught his disciples4 ,and further1 said he1 ,cannot one man teach another to pray8 ,faith comes by hearing2 and one man may convince another of sin1 and therefore prayers made by men1 and read over1 are good to teach1 and help men to pray4 ,while he was speaking these words1 ,god brought that word into my mind1 in the eighth of the ,romans1 at the #bfth verse4 ,i say1 ,god brought it1 for ,i thought not on it before3 but as he was speaking1 it came so fresh into my mind1 and was set so evidently before me1 as if the scripture had said1 ,take me1 take me2 so when he had done speaking1 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,sir1 the scripture saith1 that it is the spirit that helpeth our infirmities2 for we know not what we should pray for as we ought3 but the ,spirit itself maketh intercession for us1 with sighs and groanings which cannot be uttered4 ,mark1 said ,i1 it doth not say the ,common ,prayer-,book teacheth us how to pray1 but the ,spirit4 ,and it is the ,spirit that helpeth our infirmities1 saith the apostle2 he doth not say it is the ,common ,prayer-,book4 ,and as to the ,lord's prayer1 although it be an easy thing to say1 ,our ,father1 etc41 with the mouth2 yet there is very few that can1 in the ,spirit1 say the two first words in that prayer2 that is1 that can call ,god their ,father1 as knowing what it is to be born again1 and as having experience1 that they are begotten of the ,spirit of ,god3 which if they do not1 all is but babbling1 etc4 ,keel4 ,justice ,keelin said that that was a truth4 ,bun4 ,and ,i say further1 as to your saying that one man may convince another of sin1 and that faith comes by hearing1 and that one man may tell another how he should pray1 etc41 ,i say men may tell each other of their sins1 but it is the ,spirit that must convince them4 ,and though it be said that faith comes by hearing3 yet it is the ,spirit that worketh faith in the heart through hearing1 or else they are not profited by hearing4 ,heb4 iv4 #ab4 ,and that though one man may tell another how he should pray3 yet1 as ,i said before1 he cannot pray1 nor make his condition known to ,god1 except the ,spirit help4 ,it is not the ,common ,prayer-,book that can do this4 ,it is the ,spirit that showeth us our sins1 and the ,spirit that showeth us a ,saviour1 ,jn4 xvi4 #af1 and the ,spirit that stirreth up in our hearts desires to come to ,god1 for such things as we stand in need of1 ,matt4 xi4 #bg1 even sighing out our souls unto ,him for them with groans which cannot be uttered4 ,with other words to the same purpose4 ,at this they were set4 ,keel4 ,but says ,justice ,keelin1 ,what have you against the ,common ,prayer-,book8 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,sir1 if you will hear me1 ,i shall lay down my reasons against it4 ,keel4 ,he said ,i should have liberty2 but first1 said he1 let me give you one caution2 take heed of speaking irreverently of the ,common ,prayer-,book2 for if you do so1 you will bring great damage upon yourself4 ,bun4 ,so ,i proceeded1 and said1 ,my first reason was1 because it was not commanded in the ,word of ,god1 and therefore ,i could not use it4 ,another4 ,one of them said1 ,where do you find it commanded in the ,scripture1 that you should go to ,elstow1 or ,bedford1 and yet it is lawful to go to either of them1 is it not8 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,to go to ,elstow1 or ,bedford1 was a civil thing1 and not material1 though not commanded1 and yet ,god's ,word allowed me to go about my calling1 and therefore if it lay there1 then to go thither1 etc4 ,but to pray1 was a great part of the ,divine worship of ,god1 and therefore it ought to be done according to the rule of ,god's ,word4 ,another4 ,one of them said1 ,he will do harm2 let him speak no further4 ,keel4 ,justice ,keelin said1 ,no1 no1 never fear him1 we are better established than so2 he can do no harm2 we know the ,common ,prayer-,book hath been ever since the apostles' time1 and it is lawful for it to be used in the church4 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,show me the place in the epistles1 where the ,common ,prayer-,book is written1 or one text of ,scripture1 that commands me to read it1 and ,i will use it4 ,but yet1 notwithstanding1 said ,i1 they that have a mind to use it1 they have their liberty2 that is1 ,i would not keep them from it2 but for our parts1 we can pray to ,god without it4 ,blessed be ,his name6 ,with that1 one of them said1 ,who is your ,god8 ,beelzebub8 ,moreover1 they often said1 that ,i was possessed with the spirit of delusion1 and of the devil4 ,all which sayings ,i passed over2 the ,lord forgive them6 ,and further1 ,i said1 ,blessed be the ,lord for it2 we are encouraged to meet together1 and to pray1 and exhort one another2 for1 we have had the comfortable presence of ,god among us4 ,for ever blessed be ,his holy name6 ,keel4 ,justice ,keelin called this pedler's ,french1 saying1 that ,i must leave off my canting4 ,the ,lord open his eyes6 ,bun4 ,i said that we ought to exhort one another daily1 while it is called to-day1 etc4 ,keel4 ,justice ,keelin said that ,i ought not to preach2 and asked me where ,i had my authority8 with other such like words4 ,bun4 ,i said that ,i would prove that it was lawful for me1 and such as ,i am1 to preach the ,word of ,god4 ,keel4 ,he said unto me1 ,by what ,scripture8 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,by that in the first epistle of ,peter1 chap4 iv4 #aj1 #aa1 and ,acts xviii41 with other ,scriptures1 which he would not suffer me to mention4 ,but said1 ,hold2 not so many1 which is the first8 ,bun4 ,i said this3 ,as every man hath received the gift1 even so let him minister the same unto another1 as good stewards of the manifold grace of ,god4 ,if any man speak1 let him speak as the oracles of ,god1 etc4 ,keel4 ,he said1 ,let me a little open that ,scripture to you3 ,as every man hath received the gift2 that is1 said he1 as every one hath received a trade1 so let him follow it4 ,if any man have received a gift of tinkering1 as thou hast done1 let him follow his tinkering4 ,and so other men their trades4 ,and the divine his calling1 etc4 ,bun4 ,nay1 sir1 said ,i1 but it is most clear1 that the apostle speaks here of preaching the ,word2 if you do but compare both the verses together1 the next verse explains this gift what it is1 saying1 if any man speak1 let him speak as the oracles of ,god4 ,so that it is plain1 that the ,holy ,ghost doth not so much in this place exhort to civil callings1 as to the exercising of those gifts that we have received from ,god4 ,i would have gone on1 but he would not give me leave4 ,keel4 ,he said1 ,we might do it in our families1 but not otherways4 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,if it was lawful to do good to some1 it was lawful to do good to more4 ,if it was a good duty to exhort our families1 it was good to exhort others2 but if they held it a sin to meet together to seek the face of ,god1 and exhort one another to follow ,christ1 ,i should sin still2 for so we should do4 ,keel4 ,he said he was not so well versed in ,scripture as to dispute1 or words to that purpose4 ,and said1 moreover1 that they could not wait upon me any longer2 but said to me1 ,then you confess the indictment1 do you not8 ,now1 and not till now1 ,i saw ,i was indicted4 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,this ,i confess1 we have had many meetings together1 both to pray to ,god1 and to exhort one another1 and that we had the sweet comforting presence of the ,lord among us for our encouragement2 blessed be ,his name therefore4 ,i confessed myself guilty no otherwise4 ,keel4 ,then1 said he1 bear your judgment4 ,you must be had back again to prison1 and there lie for three months following2 and at three months' end1 if you do not submit to go to church to hear ,divine service1 and leave your preaching1 you must be banished the realm3 and if1 after such a day as shall be appointed you to be gone1 you shall be found in this realm1 etc41 or be found to come over again without special licence from the king1 etc41 you must stretch by the neck for it1 ,i tell you plainly3 and so he bid my jailor have me away4 ,bun4 ,i told him1 as to this matter1 ,i was at a point with him2 for if ,i were out of prison to-day1 ,i would preach the ,gospel again to-morrow1 by the help of ,god4 ,another4 ,to which one made me some answer3 but my jailor pulling me away to be gone1 ,i could not tell what he said4 ,thus ,i departed from them2 and ,i can truly say1 ,i bless the ,lord ,jesus ,christ for it1 that my heart was sweetly refreshed in the time of my examination1 and also afterwards1 at my returning to the prison4 ,so that ,i found ,christ's words more than bare trifles1 where ,he saith1 ,i will give you a mouth and wisdom1 which all your adversaries shall not be able to gainsay1 nor resist4 ,luke xxi4 #ae4 ,and that ,his peace no man can take from us4 ,thus have ,i given you the substance of my examination4 ,the ,lord make this profitable to all that shall read or hear it4 ,farewell4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the ,substance of some ,discourse had between the ,clerk of the ,peace and myself2 when he came to admonish me1 according to the tenor of that ,law1 by which ,i was in prison4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,when ,i had lain in prison other twelve weeks1 and now not knowing what they intended to do with me1 upon the third of ,april #affa1 comes ,mr ,cobb unto me 7as he told me71 being sent by the justices to admonish me2 and demand of me submittance to the church of ,england1 etc4 ,the extent of our discourse was as followeth4 ,cobb4 ,when he was come into the house he sent for me out of my chamber2 who1 when ,i was come unto him1 he said1 ,neighbour ,bunyan1 how do you do8 ,bun4 ,i thank you1 ,sir1 said ,i1 very well1 blessed be the ,lord4 ,cobb4 ,saith he1 ,i come to tell you1 that it is desired you would submit yourself to the laws of the land1 or else at the next sessions it will go worse with you1 even to be sent away out of the nation1 or else worse than that4 ,bun4 ,i said that ,i did desire to demean myself in the world1 both as becometh a man and a ,christian4 ,cobb4 ,but1 saith he1 you must submit to the laws of the land1 and leave off those meetings which you was wont to have2 for the statute-law is directly against it2 and ,i am sent to you by the justices to tell you that they do intend to prosecute the law against you if you submit not4 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,sir1 ,i conceive that that law by which ,i am in prison at this time1 doth not reach or condemn either me1 or the meetings which ,i do frequent2 that law was made against those1 that being designed to do evil in their meetings1 making the exercise of religion their pretence1 to cover their wickedness4 ,it doth not forbid the private meetings of those that plainly and simply make it their only end to worship the ,lord1 and to exhort one another to edification4 ,my end in meeting with others is simply to do as much good as ,i can1 by exhortation and counsel1 according to that small measure of light which ,god hath given me1 and not to disturb the peace of the nation4 ,cobb4 ,every one will say the same1 said he2 you see the late insurrection #baj at ,london1 under what glorious pretences they went2 and yet1 indeed1 they intended no less than the ruin of the kingdom and commonwealth4 ,bun4 ,that practice of theirs1 ,i abhor1 said ,i2 yet it doth not follow that1 because they did so1 therefore all others will do so4 ,i look upon it as my duty to behave myself under the ,king's government1 both as becomes a man and a ,christian1 and if an occasion were offered me1 ,i should willingly manifest my loyalty to my ,prince1 both by word and deed4 ,cobb4 ,well1 said he1 ,i do not profess myself to be a man that can dispute2 but this ,i say1 truly1 neighbour ,bunyan1 ,i would have you consider this matter seriously1 and submit yourself2 you may have your liberty to exhort your neighbour in private discourse1 so be you do not call together an assembly of people2 and1 truly1 you may do much good to the church of ,christ1 if you would go this way2 and this you may do1 and the law not abridge you of it4 ,it is your private meetings that the law is against4 ,bun4 ,sir1 said ,i1 if ,i may do good to one by my discourse8 why may ,i not do good to two8 ,and if to two1 why not to four1 and so to eight8 etc4 ,cobb4 ,ay1 saith he1 and to a hundred1 ,i warrant you4 ,bun4 ,yes1 ,sir1 said ,i1 ,i think ,i should not be forbid to do as much good as ,i can4 ,cobb4 ,but1 saith he1 you may but pretend to do good1 and instead1 notwithstanding1 do harm1 by seducing the people2 you are1 therefore1 denied your meeting so many together1 lest you should do harm4 ,bun4 ,and yet1 said ,i1 you say the law tolerates me to discourse with my neighbour2 surely there is no law tolerates me seduce any one2 therefore if ,i may by the law discourse with one1 surely it is to do him good2 and if ,i by discoursing may do good to one1 surely1 by the same law1 ,i may do good to many4 ,cobb4 ,the law1 saith he1 doth expressly forbid your private meetings2 therefore they are not to be tolerated4 ,bun4 ,i told him that ,i would not entertain so much uncharitableness of that ,parliament in the #ceth of ,elizabeth1 or of the ,queen herself1 as to think they did1 by that law1 intend the oppressing of any of ,god's ordinances1 or the interrupting any in way of ,god2 but men may1 in the wresting of it1 turn it against the way of ,god2 but take the law in itself1 and it only fighteth against those that drive at mischief in their hearts and meeting1 making religion only their cloak1 colour1 or pretence2 for so are the words of the statute3 ,if any meetings1 under colour or pretence of religion1 etc4 ,cobb4 ,very good2 therefore the king1 seeing that pretences are usually in and among people1 so as to make religion their pretence only2 therefore he1 and the law before him1 doth forbid such private meetings1 and tolerates only public2 you may meet in public4 ,bun4 ,sir1 said ,i1 let me answer you in a similitude3 ,set the case that1 at such a wood corner1 there did usually come forth thieves1 to do mischief2 must there therefore a law be made1 that every one that cometh out there shall be killed8 ,may not there come out true men as well as thieves out from thence8 ,just thus is it in this case2 ,i do think there may be many that may design the destruction of the commonwealth2 but it doth not follow therefore that all private meetings are unlawful2 those that transgress1 let them be punished4 ,and if at any time ,i myself should do any act in my conversation as doth not become a man and ,christian1 let me bear the punishment4 ,and as for your saying ,i may meet in public1 if ,i may be suffered1 ,i would gladly do it4 ,let me have but meeting enough in public1 and ,i shall care the less to have them in private4 ,i do not meet in private because ,i am afraid to have meetings in public4 ,i bless the ,lord that my heart is at that point1 that if any man can lay any thing to my charge1 either in doctrine or in practice1 in this particular1 that can be proved error or heresy1 ,i am willing to disown it1 even in the very market-place2 but if it be truth1 then to stand to it to the last drop of my blood4 ,and1 ,sir1 said ,i1 you ought to commend me for so doing4 ,to err and to be a heretic are two things2 ,i am no heretic1 because ,i will not stand refractorily to defend any one thing that is contrary to the ,word4 ,prove any thing which ,i hold to be an error1 and ,i will recant it4 ,cobb4 ,but1 goodman ,bunyan1 said he1 methinks you need not stand so strictly upon this one thing1 as to have meetings of such public assemblies4 ,cannot you submit1 and1 notwithstanding1 do as much good as you can1 in a neighbourly way1 without having such meetings8 ,bun4 ,truly1 ,sir1 said ,i1 ,i do not desire to commend myself1 but to think meanly of myself2 yet when ,i do most despise myself1 taking notice of that small measure of light which ,god hath given me1 also that the people of the ,lord 7by their own saying71 are edified thereby4 ,besides1 when ,i see that the ,lord1 through grace1 hath in some measure blessed my labour1 ,i dare not but exercise that gift which ,god hath given me for the good of the people4 ,and ,i said further1 that ,i would willingly speak in public if ,i might4 ,cobb4 ,he said1 that ,i might come to the public assemblies and hear4 ,what though you do not preach8 you may hear4 ,do not think yourself so well enlightened1 and that you have received a gift so far above others1 but that you may hear other men preach4 ,or to that purpose4 ,bun4 ,i told him1 ,i was as willing to be taught as to give instruction1 and ,i looked upon it as my duty to do both2 for1 said ,i1 a man that is a teacher1 he himself may learn also from another that teacheth1 as the apostle saith1 ,we may all prophesy one by one1 that all may learn4 #a ,cor4 xiv4 #ca4 ,that is1 every man that hath received a gift from ,god1 he may dispense it1 that others may be comforted2 and when he hath done1 he may hear and learn1 and be comforted himself of others4 ,cobb4 ,but1 said he1 what if you should forbear awhile1 and sit still1 till you see further how things will go8 ,bun4 ,sir1 said ,i1 ,wickliffe saith1 that he which leaveth off preaching and hearing of the ,word of ,god for fear of excommunication of men1 he is already excommunicated of ,god1 and shall in the day of judgment be counted a traitor to ,christ4 #bad ,cobb4 ,ay1 saith he1 they that do not hear shall be so counted indeed2 do you1 therefore1 hear8 ,bun4 ,but1 ,sir1 said ,i1 he saith1 he that shall leave off either preaching or hearing1 etc4 ,that is1 if he hath received a gift for edification1 it is his sin1 if he doth not lay it out in a way of exhortation and counsel1 according to the proportion of his gift2 as well as to spend his time altogether in hearing others preach4 ,cobb4 ,but1 said he1 how shall we know that you have received a gift8 ,bun4 ,said ,i1 ,let any man hear and search1 and prove the doctrine by the ,bible4 ,cobb4 ,but will you be willing1 said he1 that two indifferent persons shall determine the case2 and will you stand by their judgment8 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,are they infallible8 ,cobb4 ,he said1 ,no4 ,bun4 ,then1 said ,i1 it is possible my judgment may be as good as theirs4 ,but yet ,i will pass by either1 and in this matter be judged by the ,scriptures2 ,i am sure that is infallible1 and cannot err4 ,cobb4 ,but1 said he1 who shall be judge between you1 for you take the ,scriptures one way1 and they another8 ,bun4 ,i said the ,scripture should3 and that by comparing one ,scripture with another2 for that will open itself1 if it be rightly compared4 ,as for instance1 if under the different apprehensions of the word ,mediator1 you would know the truth of it1 the ,scriptures open it1 and tell us that he that is a mediator must take up the business between two1 and a mediator is not a mediator of one1--but ,god is one1 and there is one ,mediator between ,god and men1 even the man ,christ ,jesus4 ,gal4 iii4 #bj2 #a ,tim4 ii4 #e4 ,so likewise the ,scripture calleth ,christ a complete1 or perfect1 or able high priest4 ,that is opened in that ,he is called man1 and also ,god4 ,his blood also is discovered to be effectually efficacious by the same things4 ,so the ,scripture1 as touching the matter of meeting together1 etc41 doth likewise sufficiently open itself and discover its meaning4 ,cobb4 ,but are you willing1 said he1 to stand to the judgment of the church8 ,bun4 ,yes1 ,sir1 said ,i1 to the approbation of the church of ,god2 7the church's judgment is best expressed in ,scripture74 ,we had much other discourse which ,i cannot well remember1 about the laws of the nation1 and submission to governments2 to which ,i did tell him1 that ,i did look upon myself as bound in conscience to walk according to all righteous laws1 and that1 whether there was a king or no2 and if ,i did any thing that was contrary1 ,i did hold it my duty to bear patiently the penalty of the law1 that was provided against such offenders2 with many more words to the like effect4 ,and said1 moreover1 that to cut off all occasions of suspicion from any1 as touching the harmlessness of my doctrine in private1 ,i would willingly take the pains to give any one the notes of all my sermons2 for ,i do sincerely desire to live quietly in my country1 and to submit to the present authority4 ,cobb4 ,well1 neighbour ,bunyan1 said he1 but indeed ,i would wish you seriously to consider of these things1 between this and the quarter-sessions1 and to submit yourself4 ,you may do much good if you continue still in the land2 but alas1 what benefit will it be to your friends1 or what good can you do to them1 if you should be sent away beyond the seas into ,spain1 or ,constantinople1 or some other remote part of the world8 ,pray be ruled4 ,jailor4 ,indeed1 ,sir1 ,i hope he will be ruled4 ,bun4 ,i shall desire1 said ,i1 in all honesty to behave myself in the nation1 whilst ,i am in it4 ,and if ,i must be so dealt withal1 as you say1 ,i hope ,god will help me to bear what they shall lay upon me4 ,i know no evil that ,i have done in this matter1 to be so used4 ,i speak as in the presence of ,god4 ,cobb4 ,you know1 saith he1 that the ,scripture saith1 the powers that be1 are ordained of ,god4 ,bun4 ,i said1 ,yes1 and that ,i was to submit to the ,king as supreme1 and also to the governors1 as to them who are sent by ,him4 ,cobb4 ,well then1 said he1 the ,king then commands you1 that you should not have any private meetings2 because it is against his law1 and he is ordained of ,god1 therefore you should not have any4 ,bun4 ,i told him that ,paul did own the powers that were in his day1 to be of ,god2 and yet he was often in prison under them for all that4 ,and also1 though ,jesus ,christ told ,pilate1 that ,he had no power against him1 but of ,god1 yet ,he died under the same ,pilate2 and yet1 said ,i1 ,i hope you will not say that either ,paul1 or ,christ1 were such as did deny magistracy1 and so sinned against ,god in slighting the ordinance4 ,sir1 said ,i1 the law hath provided two ways of obeying3 the one to do that which ,i1 in my conscience1 do believe that ,i am bound to do1 actively2 and where ,i cannot obey actively1 there ,i am willing to lie down1 and to suffer what they shall do unto me4 ,at this he sat still1 and said no more2 which when he had done1 ,i did thank him for his civil and meek discoursing with me2 and so we parted4 ,o6 that we might meet in heaven6 ,farewell4 ,j4 ,b4 99 99 99 99 99 ,here followeth a discourse between my ,wife and the ,judges1 with others1 touching my ,deliverance at the ,assizes following2 the which ,i took from her own ,mouth4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,after that ,i had received this sentence of banishing1 or hanging1 from them1 and after the former admonition1 touching the determination of the justices if ,i did not recant2 just when the time drew nigh1 in which ,i should have abjured1 or have done worse 7as ,mr ,cobb told me71 came the time in which the ,king was to be crowned4 #bai ,now1 at the coronation of kings1 there is usually a releasement of divers prisoners1 by virtue of his coronation2 in which privilege also ,i should have had my share2 but that they took me for a convicted person1 and therefore1 unless ,i sued out a pardon 7as they called it71 ,i could have no benefit thereby1 notwithstanding1 yet1 forasmuch as the coronation proclamation did give liberty1 from the day the ,king was crowned1 to that day twelvemonth1 to sue them out2 therefore1 though they would not let me out of prison1 as they let out thousands1 yet they could not meddle with me1 as touching the execution of their sentence2 because of the liberty offered for the suing out of pardons4 ,whereupon ,i continued in prison till the next assizes1 which are called ,midsummer assizes1 being then kept in ,august1 #affa4 ,now1 at that assizes1 because ,i would not leave any possible means unattempted that might be lawful1 ,i did1 by my wife1 present a petition to the judges three times1 that ,i might be heard1 and that they would impartially take my case into consideration4 ,the first time my wife went1 she presented it to ,judge ,hale1 who very mildly received it at her hand1 telling her that he would do her and me the best good he could2 but he feared1 he said1 he could do none4 ,the next day1 again1 lest they should1 through the multitude of business1 forget me1 we did throw another petition into the coach to ,judge ,twisdon2 who1 when he had seen it1 snapt her up1 and angrily told her that ,i was a convicted person1 and could not be released1 unless ,i would promise to preach no more1 etc4 ,well1 after this1 she yet again presented another to judge ,hale1 as he sat on the bench1 who1 as it seemed1 was willing to give her audience4 ,only ,justice ,chester being present1 stept up and said1 that ,i was convicted in the court1 and that ,i was a hot-spirited fellow 7or words to that purpose71 whereat he waived it1 and did not meddle therewith4 ,but yet1 my wife being encouraged by the high-sheriff1 did venture once more into their presence 7as the poor widow did before the unjust judge7 to try what she could do with them for my liberty1 before they went forth of the town4 ,the place where she went to them1 was to the ,swan-chamber1 where the two judges1 and many justices and gentry of the country1 was in company together4 ,she then coming into the chamber with a bashed face1 and a trembling heart1 began her errand to them in this manner3-- ,picture3 ,bunyan's ,wife pleading with the ,judges ,woman4 ,my lord 7directing herself to judge ,hale71 ,i make bold to come once again to your ,lordship1 to know what may be done with my husband4 ,judge ,hale4 ,to whom he said1 ,woman1 ,i told thee before ,i could do thee no good2 because they have taken that for a conviction which thy husband spoke at the sessions3 and unless there be something done to undo that1 ,i can do thee no good4 ,woman4 ,my lord1 said she1 he is kept unlawfully in prison2 they clapped him up before there was any proclamation against the meetings2 the indictment also is false4 ,besides1 they never asked him whether he was guilty or no2 neither did he confess the indictment4 ,one of the ,justices4 ,then one of the justices that stood by1 whom she knew not1 said1 ,my ,lord1 he was lawfully convicted4 ,wom4 ,it is false1 said she2 for when they said to him1 ,do you confess the indictment8 he said only this1 that he had been at several meetings1 both where there were preaching the ,word1 and prayer1 and that they had ,god's presence among them4 ,judge ,twisdon4 ,whereat ,judge ,twisdon answered very angrily1 saying1 ,what1 you think we can do what we list2 your husband is a breaker of the peace1 and is convicted by the law1 etc4 ,whereupon ,judge ,hale called for the ,statute ,book4 ,wom4 ,but1 said she1 my lord1 he was not lawfully convicted4 ,chester4 ,then ,justice ,chester said1 ,my lord1 he was lawfully convicted4 ,wom4 ,it is false1 said she2 it was but a word of discourse that they took for a conviction 7as you heard before74 ,chest4 ,but it is recorded1 woman2 it is recorded1 said ,justice ,chester2 as if it must be of necessity true1 because it was recorded4 ,with which words he often endeavoured to stop her mouth1 having no other argument to convince her1 but it is recorded1 it is recorded4 ,wom4 ,my ,lord1 said she1 ,i was a while since at ,london1 to see if ,i could get my husband's liberty2 and there ,i spoke with my lord ,barkwood1 one of the ,house of ,lords1 to whom ,i delivered a petition1 who took it of me and presented it to some of the rest of the ,house of ,lords1 for my husband's releasement2 who1 when they had seen it1 they said1 that they could not release him1 but had committed his releasement to the judges1 at the next assizes4 ,this he told me2 and now ,i am come to you to see if any thing may be done in this business1 and you give neither releasement nor relief4 ,to which they gave her no answer1 but made as if they heard her not4 ,chest4 ,only ,justice ,chester was often up with this1--,he is convicted1 and it is recorded4 ,wom4 ,if it be1 it is false1 said she4 ,chest4 ,my lord1 said ,justice ,chester1 he is a pestilent fellow1 there is not such a fellow in the country again4 ,twis4 ,what1 will your husband leave preaching8 ,if he will do so1 then send for him4 ,wom4 ,my lord1 said she1 he dares not leave preaching as long as he can speak4 ,twis4 ,see here1 what should we talk any more about such a fellow8 ,must he do what he lists8 ,he is a breaker of the peace4 ,wom4 ,she told him again1 that he desired to live peaceably1 and to follow his calling1 that his family might be maintained2 and moreover1 said1 ,my ,lord1 ,i have four small children1 that cannot help themselves1 one of which is blind1 and have nothing to live upon1 but the charity of good people4 ,hale4 ,hast thou four children8 said ,judge ,hale2 thou art but a young woman to have four children4 ,wom4 ,my lord1 said she1 ,i am but mother-in-law to them1 having not been married to him yet full two years4 ,indeed1 ,i was with child when my husband was first apprehended2 but being young1 and unaccustomed to such things1 said she1 ,i being smayed #bbd at the news1 fell into labour1 and so continued for eight days1 and then was delivered1 but my child died4 ,hale4 ,whereat1 he looking very soberly on the matter1 said1 ,alas1 poor woman6 ,twis4 ,but ,judge ,twisdon told her1 that she made poverty her cloak2 and said1 moreover1 that he understood ,i was maintained better by running up and down a preaching1 than by following my calling4 ,hale4 ,what is his calling8 said ,judge ,hale4 ,answer4 ,then some of the company that stood by1 said1 ,a tinker1 my lord4 ,wom4 ,yes1 said she2 and because he is a tinker1 and a poor man1 therefore he is despised1 and cannot have justice4 ,hale4 ,then ,judge ,hale answered very mildly1 saying1 ,i tell thee1 woman1 seeing it is so1 that they have taken what thy husband spake for a conviction2 thou must either apply thyself to the ,king1 or sue out his pardon1 or get a writ of error4 ,chest4 ,but when ,justice ,chester heard him give her this counsel2 and especially 7as she supposed7 because he spoke of a writ of error1 he chafed1 and seemed to be very much offended2 saying1 ,my lord1 he will preach and do what he lists4 ,wom4 ,he preacheth nothing but the ,word of ,god1 said she4 ,twis4 ,he preach the ,word of ,god6 said ,twisdon2 and withal1 she thought he would have struck her2 he runneth up and down1 and doth harm4 ,wom4 ,no1 my lord1 said she1 it is not so2 ,god hath owned him1 and done much good by him4 ,twis4 ,god6 said he1 his doctrine is the doctrine of the devil4 ,wom4 ,my lord1 said she1 when the righteous ,judge shall appear1 it will be known that his doctrine is not the doctrine of the devil4 ,twis4 ,my lord1 said he1 to ,judge ,hale1 do not mind her1 but send her away4 ,hale4 ,then said ,judge ,hale1 ,i am sorry1 woman1 that ,i can do thee no good2 thou must do one of those three things aforesaid1 namely1 either to apply thyself to the ,king1 or sue out his pardon1 or get a writ of error2 but a writ of error will be cheapest4 ,wom4 ,at which ,chester again seemed to be in a chafe1 and put off his hat1 and as she thought1 scratched his head for anger3 but when ,i saw1 said she1 that there was no prevailing to have my husband sent for1 though ,i often desired them that they would send for him1 that he might speak for himself2 telling them1 that he could give them better satisfaction than ,i could1 in what they demanded of him1 with several other things1 which now ,i forget2 only this ,i remember1 that though ,i was somewhat timorous at my first entrance into the chamber1 yet before ,i went out1 ,i could not but break forth into tears1 not so much because they were so hard-hearted against me1 and my husband1 but to think what a sad account such poor creatures will have to give at the coming of the ,lord1 when they shall there answer for all things whatsoever they have done in the body1 whether it be good1 or whether it be bad4 ,so1 when ,i departed from them1 the book of statutes was brought1 but what they said of it ,i know nothing at all1 neither did ,i hear any more from them4 99 99 99 99 99 ,some ,carriages of the ,adversaries of ,god's ,truth with me at the next ,assizes1 which was on the #aith of the first month1 #affb4 99 99 99 99 99 ,i ,,shall pass by what befell between these two assizes1 how ,i had1 by my jailor1 some liberty granted me1 more than at the first1 and how ,i followed my wonted course of preaching1 taking all occasions that were put into my hand to visit the people of ,god2 exhorting them to be steadfast in the faith of ,jesus ,christ1 and to take heed that they touched not the ,common ,prayer1 etc41 but to mind the ,word of ,god1 which giveth direction to ,christians in every point1 being able to make the man of ,god perfect in all things through faith in ,jesus ,christ1 and thoroughly to furnish him unto all good works4 #b ,tim4 iii4 #ag4 ,also how ,i having1 ,i say1 somewhat more liberty1 did go to see the ,christians at ,london2 which my enemies hearing of1 were so angry1 that they had almost cast my jailor out of his place1 threatening to indict him1 and to do what they could against him4 ,they charged me also1 that ,i went thither to plot and raise division1 and make insurrection1 which1 ,god knows1 was a slander2 whereupon my liberty was more straitened than it was before2 so that ,i must not now look out of the door4 ,well1 when the next sessions came1 which was about the #ajth of the #aath month 7#affa71 ,i did expect to have been very roundly dealt withal2 but they passed me by1 and would not call me1 so that ,i rested till the assizes1 which was held the #aith of the first month 7#affb7 following2 and when they came1 because ,i had a desire to come before the judge1 ,i desired my jailor to put my name into the calendar among the felons1 and made friends of the judge and high-sheriff1 who promised that ,i should be called3 so that ,i thought what ,i had done might have been effectual for the obtaining of my desire3 but all was in vain2 for when the assizes came1 though my name was in the calendar1 and also though both the judge and sheriff had promised that ,i should appear before them1 yet the justices and the clerk of the peace1 did so work it about1 that ,i1 notwithstanding1 was deferred1 and was not suffered to appear3 and although ,i say1 ,i do not know of all their carriages towards me1 yet this ,i know1 that the clerk of the peace 7,mr ,cobb7 did discover himself to be one of my greatest opposers3 for1 first he came to my jailor and told him that ,i must not go down before the judge1 and therefore must not be put into the calendar2 to whom my jailor said1 that my name was in already4 ,he bid him put it out again2 my jailor told him that he could not3 for he had given the judge a calendar with my name in it1 and also the sheriff another4 ,at which he was very much displeased1 and desired to see that calendar that was yet in my jailor's hand1 who1 when he had given it him1 he looked on it1 and said it was a false calendar2 he also took the calendar and blotted out my accusation1 as my jailor had written it 7which accusation ,i cannot tell what it was1 because it was so blotted out71 and he himself put in words to this purpose3 ,that ,john ,bunyan was committed to prison2 being lawfully convicted for upholding of unlawful meetings and conventicles1 etc4 ,but yet for all this1 fearing that what he had done1 unless he added thereto1 it would not do1 he first ran to the clerk of the assizes2 then to the justices1 and afterwards1 because he would not leave any means unattempted to hinder me1 he came again to my jailor1 and told him1 that if ,i did go down before the judge1 and was released1 he would make him pay my fees1 which he said was due to him2 and further1 told him1 that he would complain of him at the next quarter sessions for making of false calendars1 though my jailor himself1 as ,i afterwards learned1 had put in my accusation worse than in itself it was by far4 ,and thus was ,i hindered and prevented at that time also from appearing before the judge3 and left in prison4 ,farewell4 ,,john ,,bunyan4 ,a ,continuation of ,mr ,,bunyan',s ,,life2 beginning where he left off1 and concluding with the ,time and ,manner of his ,death and ,burial3 together with his true ,character1 etc4 ,,reader1 the painful and industrious author of this book1 has already given you a faithful and very moving relation of the beginning and middle of the days of his pilgrimage on earth2 and since there yet remains somewhat worthy of notice and regard1 which occurred in the last scene of his life1 the which1 for want of time1 or fear1 some over-censorious people should impute it to him as an earnest coveting of praise from men1 he has not left behind him in writing4 ,wherefore1 as a true friend1 and long acquaintance of ,mr ,bunyan's that his good end may be known1 as well as his evil beginning1 ,i have taken upon me1 from my knowledge1 and the best account given by other of his friends1 to piece this to the thread too soon broke off1 and so lengthen it out to his entering upon eternity4 ,he has told you at large1 of his birth and education2 the evil habits and corruptions of his youth2 the temptations he struggled and conflicted so frequently with1 the mercies1 comforts1 and deliverances he found1 how he came to take upon him the preaching of the ,gospel2 the slanders1 reproaches and imprisonments that attended him1 and the progress he notwithstanding made 7by the assistance of ,god's grace7 no doubt to the saving of many souls3 therefore take these things1 as he himself hath methodically laid them down in the words of verity2 and so ,i pass on to what remains4 ,after his being freed from his twelve years' imprisonment and upwards1 for nonconformity1 wherein he had time to furnish the world with sundry good books1 etc41 and by his patience1 to move ,dr ,barlow1 the then ,bishop of ,lincoln1 and other church-men1 to pity his hard and unreasonable sufferings1 so far as to stand very much his friends1 in procuring his enlargement1 or there perhaps he had died1 by the noisomeness and ill usage of the place4 ,being now1 ,i say1 again at liberty1 and having through mercy shaken off his bodily fetters1--for those upon his soul were broken before by the abounding grace that filled his heart1--he went to visit those that had been a comfort to him in his tribulation1 with a ,christian-like acknowledgment of their kindness and enlargement of charity2 giving encouragement by his example1 if it happened to be their hard haps to fall into affliction or trouble1 then to suffer patiently for the sake of a good conscience1 and for the love of ,god in ,jesus ,christ towards their souls1 and by many cordial persuasions1 supported some whose spirits began to sink low1 through the fear of danger that threatened their worldly concernment1 so that the people found a wonderful consolation in his discourse and admonitions4 ,as often as opportunity would admit1 he gathered them together 7though the law was then in force against meetings7 in convenient places1 and fed them with the sincere milk of the ,word1 that they might grow up in grace thereby4 ,to such as were anywhere taken and imprisoned upon these accounts1 he made it another part of his business to extend his charity1 and gather relief for such of them as wanted4 ,he took great care to visit the sick1 and strengthen them against the suggestions of the tempter1 which at such times are very prevalent2 so that they had cause for ever to bless ,god1 ,who had put it into his heart1 at such a time1 to rescue them from the power of the roaring lion1 who sought to devour them2 nor did he spare any pains or labour in travel1 though to remote counties1 where he knew or imagined any people might stand in need of his assistance2 insomuch that some1 by these visitations that he made1 which was two or three every year 7some1 though in a jeering manner no doubt1 gave him the epithet of ,bishop ,bunyan7 whilst others envied him for his so earnestly labouring in ,christ's vineyard2 yet the seed of the ,word he 7all this while7 sowed in the hearts of his congregation1 watered with the grace of ,god1 brought forth in abundance1 in bringing in disciples to the church of ,christ4 ,another part of his time is spent in reconciling differences1 by which he hindered many mischiefs1 and saved some families from ruin1 and in such fallings-out he was uneasy1 till he found a means to labour a reconciliation1 and become a peace-maker1 on whom a blessing is promised in holy writ2 and indeed in doing this good office1 he may be said to sum up his days1 it being the last undertaking of his life1 as will appear in the close of this paper4 ,when in the late reign1 liberty of conscience was unexpectedly given and indulged to dissenters of all persuasions1 his piercing wit penetrated the veil1 and found that it was not for the dissenters' sakes they were so suddenly freed from the hard prosecutions that had long lain heavy upon them1 and set in a manner1 on an equal foot with the ,church of ,england1 which the papists were undermining1 and about to subvert3 he foresaw all the advantages that could have redounded to the dissenters would have been no more than what ,polyphemus1 the monstrous giant of ,sicily1 would have allowed ,ulysses1 viz43 ,that he would eat his men first1 and do him the favour of being eaten last3 for although ,mr ,bunyan1 following the examples of others1 did lay hold of this liberty1 as an acceptable thing in itself1 knowing ,god is the only ,lord of conscience1 and that it is good at all times to do according to the dictates of a good conscience1 and that the preaching the glad tidings of the ,gospel is beautiful in the preacher2 yet in all this he moved with caution and a holy fear1 earnestly praying for the averting impending judgments1 which he saw1 like a black tempest1 hanging over our heads for our sins1 and ready to break in upon us1 and that the ,ninevites' remedy was now highly necessary3 hereupon he gathered his congregation at ,bedford1 where he mostly lived1 and had lived and spent the greatest part of his life2 and there being no convenient place to be had for the entertainment of so great a confluence of people as followed him upon the account of his teaching1 he consulted with them for the building of a meeting-house1 to which they made their voluntary contributions with all cheerfulness and alacrity2 and the first time he appeared there to edify1 the place was so thronged1 that many was constrained to stay without1 though the house was very spacious1 every one striving to partake of his instructions1 that were of his persuasion1 and show their good-will towards him1 by being present at the opening of the place2 and here he lived in much peace and quiet of mind1 contenting himself with that little ,god had bestowed upon him1 and sequestering himself from all secular employments1 to follow that of his call to the ministry2 for as ,god said to ,moses1 ,he that made the lips and heart1 can give eloquence and wisdom1 without extraordinary acquirements in an university4 ,during these things1 there were regulators sent into all cities and towns corporate1 to new model the government in the magistracy1 etc41 by turning out some1 and putting in others3 against this ,mr ,bunyan expressed his zeal with some weariness1 as foreseeing the bad consequence that would attend it1 and laboured with his congregation to prevent their being imposed on in this kind2 and when a great man in those days1 coming to ,bedford upon some such errand1 sent for him1 as 'tis supposed1 to give him a place of public trust1 he would by no means come at him1 but sent his excuse4 ,when he was at leisure from writing and teaching1 he often came up to ,london1 and there went among the congregations of the non-conformists1 and used his talent to the great good-liking of the hearers2 and even some to whom he had been mis-represented1 upon the account of his education1 were convinced of his worth and knowledge in sacred things1 as perceiving him to be a man of round judgment1 delivering himself plainly and powerfully2 insomuch that many1 who came mere spectators for novelty sake rather than to edify and be improved1 went away well satisfied with what they heard1 and wondered1 as the ,jews did at the ,apostles1 viz43 ,whence this man should have these things2 perhaps not considering that ,god more immediately assists those that make it their business industriously and cheerfully to labour in ,his vineyard4 ,thus he spent his latter years in imitation of his great ,lord and ,master1 the ever-blessed ,jesus2 he went about doing good1 so that the most prying critic1 or even ,malice herself1 is defied to find1 even upon the narrowest search or observation1 any sully or stain upon his reputation1 with which he may be justly charged2 and this we note1 as a challenge to those that have the least regard for him1 or them of his persuasion1 and have one way or other appeared in the front of those that oppressed him2 and for the turning whose hearts1 in obedience to the commission and commandment given him of ,god1 he frequently prayed1 and sometimes sought a blessing for them1 even with tears1 the effects of which1 they may1 peradventure1 though undeservedly1 have found in their persons1 friends1 relations1 or estates2 for ,god will hear the prayer of the faithful1 and answer them1 even for them that vex them1 as it happened in the case of ,job's praying for the three persons that had been grievous in their reproach against him1 even in the day of his sorrow4 ,but yet let me come a little nearer to particulars and periods of time1 for the better refreshing the memories of those that knew his labour and suffering1 and for the satisfaction of all that shall read this book4 ,after he was sensibly convicted of the wicked state of his life1 and converted1 he was baptized into the congregation1 and admitted a member thereof1 viz41 in the year #afee1 and became speedily a very zealous professor2 but upon the return of ,king ,charles to the crown in #affj1 he was the #abth of ,november taken1 as he was edifying some good people that were got together to hear the word1 and confined in ,bedford jail for the space of six years1 till the act of ,indulgence to dissenters being allowed1 he obtained his freedom1 by the intercession of some in trust and power1 that took pity on his sufferings2 but within six years afterwards he was again taken up1 viz41 in the year #afff1 and was then confined for six years more1 when even the jailor took such pity of his rigorous sufferings1 that he did as the ,egyptian jailor did to ,joseph1 put all the care and trust in his hand3 ,when he was taken this last time1 he was preaching on these words1 viz43 ,dost thou believe the ,son of ,god8 ,and this imprisonment continued six years1 and when this was over1 another short affliction1 which was an imprisonment of half a year1 fell to his share4 ,during these confinements he wrote the following books1 viz43 ,of ,prayer by the ,spirit3 ,the ,holy ,city's ,resurrection3 ,grace ,abounding3 ,pilgrim's ,progress1 the first part4 ,in the last year of his twelve years' imprisonment1 the pastor of the congregation at ,bedford died1 and he was chosen to that care of souls1 on the #abth of ,december #afga4 ,and in this his charge1 he often had disputes with scholars that came to oppose him1 as supposing him an ignorant person1 and though he argued plainly1 and by ,scripture1 without phrases and logical expressions1 yet he nonplussed one who came to oppose him in his congregation1 by demanding1 ,whether or no we had the true copies of the original ,scriptures2 and another1 when he was preaching1 accused him of uncharitableness1 for saying1 ,it was very hard for most to be saved2 saying1 by that he went about to exclude most of his congregation2 but he confuted him1 and put him to silence with the parable of the stony ground1 and other texts out of the #acth chapter of ,st ,matthew1 in our ,saviour's sermon out of a ship2 all his methods being to keep close to the ,scriptures1 and what he found not warranted there1 himself would not warrant nor determine1 unless in such cases as were plain1 wherein no doubts or scruples did arise4 ,but not to make any further mention of this kind1 it is well known that this person managed all his affairs with such exactness1 as if he had made it his study1 above all other things1 not to give occasion of offence1 but rather suffer many inconveniences1 to avoid being never heard to reproach or revile any1 what injury soever he received1 but rather to rebuke those that did2 and as it was in his conversation1 so it is manifested in those books he has caused to be published to the world2 where like the archangel disputing with ,satan about the body of ,moses1 as we find it in the epistle of ,st ,jude1 brings no railing accusation 7but leaves the rebukers1 those that persecuted him7 to the ,lord4 ,in his family he kept up a very strict discipline in prayer and exhortation2 being in this like ,joshua1 as the good man expresses it1 viz41 ,whatsoever others did1 as for me and my house1 we will serve the ,lord3 and indeed a blessing waited on his labours and endeavours1 so that his wife1 as the ,psalmist says1 was like a pleasant vine upon the walls of his house1 and his children like olive branches round his table2 for so shall it be with the man that fears the ,lord1 and though by reason of the many losses he sustained by imprisonment and spoil1 of his chargeable sickness1 etc41 his earthly treasure swelled not to excess2 he always had sufficient to live decently and creditably1 and with that he had the greatest of all treasures1 which is content2 for as the wise man says1 ,that is a continual feast4 ,but where content dwells1 even a poor cottage is a kingly palace1 and this happiness he had all his life long2 not so much minding this world1 as knowing he was here as a pilgrim and stranger1 and had no tarrying city1 but looked for one made with hands eternal in the highest heavens3 but at length was worn out with sufferings1 age1 and often teaching1 the day of his dissolution drew near1 and death1 that unlocks the prison of the soul1 to enlarge it for a more glorious mansion1 put a stop to his acting his part on the stage of mortality2 heaven1 like earthly princes1 when it threatens war1 being always so kind as to call home its ambassadors before it be denounced1 and even the last act or undertaking of his1 was a labour of love and charity2 for it so falling out that a young gentleman1 a neighbour of ,mr ,bunyan's1 happening into the displeasure of his father1 and being much troubled in mind upon that account1 and also for that he heard his father purposed to disinherit him1 or otherwise deprive him of what he had to leave2 he pitched upon ,mr ,bunyan as a fit man to make way for his submission1 and prepare his father's mind to receive him2 and he1 as willing to do any good office1 as it could be requested1 as readily undertook it2 and so riding to ,reading in ,berkshire1 he then there used such pressing arguments and reasons against anger and passion1 as also for love and reconciliation1 that the father was mollified1 and his bowels yearned to his returning son4 ,but ,mr ,bunyan1 after he had disposed all things to the best for accommodation1 returning to ,london1 and being overtaken with excessive rains1 coming to his lodgings extremely wet1 fell sick of a violent fever1 which he bore with much constancy and patience1 and expressed himself as if he desired nothing more than to be dissolved1 and be with ,christ1 in that case esteeming death as gain1 and life only a tedious delaying felicity expected2 and finding his vital strength decay1 having settled his mind and affairs1 as well as the shortness of time1 and the violence of his disease would permit1 with a constant and christian patience1 he resigned his soul into the hands of his most merciful ,redeemer1 following his pilgrim from the ,city of ,destruction1 to the ,new ,jerusalem2 his better part having been all along there1 in holy contemplation1 pantings and breathings after the hidden manna and water of life1 as by many holy and humble consolations expressed in his letters to several persons in prison1 and out of prison1 too many to be inserted at present4 ,he died at the house of one ,mr ,struddock1 a grocer1 at the ,star on ,snow ,hill1 in the parish of ,st ,sepulchre's1 ,london1 on the #abth of ,august #afhh1 and in the sixtieth year of his age1 #bda after ten days' sickness2 and was buried in the new burying place near the ,artillery ,ground2 where he sleeps to the morning of the resurrection1 in hopes of a glorious rising to an incorruptible immortality of joy and happiness2 where no more trouble and sorrow shall afflict him1 but all tears be wiped away2 when the just shall be incorporated as members of ,christ their head1 and reign with ,him as kings and priests for ever4 ,a brief ,character of ,mr ,,john ,,bunyan ,,he appeared in countenance to be of a stern and rough temper1 but in his conversation mild and affable2 not given to loquacity or much discourse in company1 unless some urgent occasion required it2 observing never to boast of himself or his parts1 but rather seem low in his own eyes1 and submit himself to the judgment of others1 abhorring lying and swearing1 being just in all that lay in his power to his word1 not seeming to revenge injuries1 loving to reconcile differences1 and make friendship with all2 he had a sharp quick eye1 accompanied with an excellent discerning of persons1 being of good judgment and quick wit4 ,as for his person1 he was tall of stature1 strong boned1 though not corpulent1 somewhat of a ruddy face1 with sparkling eyes1 wearing his hair on his upper lip1 after the old ,british fashion2 his hair reddish1 but in his latter days1 time had sprinkled it with grey2 his nose well set1 but not declining or bending1 and his mouth moderate large2 his forehead somewhat high1 and his habit always plain and modest4 ,and thus have we impartially described the internal and external parts of a person1 whose death hath been much regretted2 a person who had tried the smiles and frowns of time2 not puffed up in prosperity1 nor shaken in adversity2 always holding the golden mean4 ,in him at once did three great worthies shine1 ,historian1 poet1 and a choice divine3 ,then let him rest in undisturbed dust1 ,until the resurrection of the just4 ,,postscript ,,in this his pilgrimage1 ,god blessed him with four children1 one of which1 named ,mary1 was blind1 and died some years before2 his other children were ,thomas1 ,joseph1 and ,sarah2 his wife ,elizabeth having lived to see him overcome his labour and sorrow1 and pass from this life to receive the reward of his work1 long survived him not2 but in #afib she died1 to follow her faithful pilgrim from this world to the other1 whither he was gone before her2 whilst his works1 which consist of sixty books1 remain for the edifying of the reader1 and praise of the author4 ,vale4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,finis 99 99 99 99 99 ,,footnotes #g ,the marginal summaries have not been included in this ,project ,gutenberg e,text4--,,dp4 #ahd ,the text from which he intended to preach was1 ,doth thou believe on the ,son of ,god8 ,jn4 ix4 #ce4 ,see ,preface to his ,confession of ,faith4 #ahg;a ,justice ,wingate4 #ahg;b ,ibid4 #aia;a ,a right ,judas4 #aia;b ,bunyan4 #baj ,the ,venner insurrection is here referred to4 #bad ,bunyan here refers to a translation of ,wickliffe's doctrine in ,john ,foxe's ,martyrology1 a favourite book of his4 #bai ,april #bc1 #affa4 #bbd #8,smayed1' an obsolete contraction of #8dismayed1' #bda ,it is an established fact that ,john ,bunyan died on ,friday1 ,august #ca1 #afhh4 ,he is recorded to have preached his last sermon on ,august #ai4