,william ,fishburne1 ,charles ,aldarondo1 and the ,online ,distributed ,proofreading ,team4 ,,without ,,prejudice ,,by ,i4 ,,zangwill ,author ,of ,the ,master1 ,children ,of ,the ,ghetto ,etc41 ,etc4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,to ,,you 99 99 99 99 99 ,,note ,this book is a selection1 slightly revised1 from my miscellaneous work during the last four or five years1 and the title is that under which the bulk of it has appeared1 month by month1 in the ,pall ,mall ,magazine4 ,in selecting1 ,i have omitted those pieces which hang upon other people's books1 plays1 or pictures--a process of exclusion which1 while giving unity to a possible collection of my critical writings in another volume1 leaves the first selection exclusively egoistic4 ,i4,z4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,contents ,i ,,gossips ,,and ,,fantasies ,i4 ,a ,,vision ,,of ,,the ,,burden ,,of ,,man3 ,,which ,,may ,,serve ,,to ,,introduce ,,the ,,introduction ,,ii4 ,,tuning ,,up ,,iii4 ,,art ,,in ,,england ,,iv4 ,,bohemia ,,and ,,verlaine ,v4 ,,the ,,indestructibles ,,vi4 ,,concerning ,,general ,,elections ,,vii4 ,,the ,,realistic ,,novel ,,viii4 ,,in ,,defence ,,of ,,gambling ,,ix4 ,,truly ,,rural ,x4 ,,opinions ,,of ,,the ,,young ,,fogey ,,xi4 ,,critics ,,and ,,people ,,xii4 ,,table-,,talk ,,xiii4 ,,the ,,abolition ,,of ,,money ,,xiv4 ,,modern ,,myth-,,making ,,xv4 ,,the ,,philosophy ,,of ,,topsy-,,turvydom ,,xvi4 ,,ghost-,,stories ,,xvii4 ,a ,,theory ,,of ,,table-,,turning ,,xviii4 ,,societies ,,to ,,found ,,xix4 ,,indecency ,,on ,,the ,,english ,,stage ,,xx4 ,,love ,,in ,,life ,,and ,,literature ,,xxi4 ,,death ,,and ,,marriage ,,xxii4 ,,the ,,choice ,,of ,,parents ,,xxiii4 ,,pater ,,and ,,prose ,,xxiv4 ,,the ,,influence ,,of ,,names ,,xxv4 ,,authors ,,and ,,publishers ,,xxvi4 ,,the ,,penalties ,,of ,,fame ,,xxvii4 ,,on ,,finishing ,a ,,book ,,ii ,,here1 ,,there1 ,,and ,,somewhere ,,else3 ,philosophic ,excursions ,i4 ,,aberdeen ,,ii4 ,,antwerp ,,iii4 ,,broadstairs ,,and ,,ramsgate ,,iv4 ,,budapest ,v4 ,,chicago ,,vi4 ,,edinburgh ,,vii4 ,,fiesole ,,and ,,florence ,,viii4 ,,glasgow ,,ix4 ,,haslemere ,x4 ,,paris ,,xl ,,slapton ,,sands ,,xii4 ,,venice ,,xiii4 ,,ventnor ,,xiv4 ,,somewhere ,,else ,,iii ,,afterthoughts3 ,a ,bundle of ,brevities ,,moonshine ,,capital ,,credit ,,the ,,small ,,boy ,a ,,day ,,in ,,town ,,the ,,profession ,,of ,,charity ,,the ,,privileges ,,of ,,poverty ,,salvation ,,for ,,the ,,seraphim ,,truth--,,local ,,and ,,temporal ,,the ,,creed ,,of ,,despair ,,social ,,bugbears ,,martyrs ,,the ,,london ,,season ,,the ,,academy ,,portraits ,,of ,,gentlemen ,,photography ,,and ,,realism ,,the ,,great ,,unhung ,,the ,,abolition ,,of ,,catalogues ,,the ,,artistic ,,temperament ,,professional ,,ethics ,,lay ,,confessors ,q4 ,e4 ,d4 ,,novels ,,the ,,mouse ,,who ,,died ,,theologic ,,novels ,,mudie ,,measure ,,the ,,prop ,,of ,,letters ,,the ,,latter-,,day ,,poet ,,an ,,attack ,,of ,,alliteration ,,the ,,humorous ,,the ,,discount ,,farce ,,the ,,franchise ,,farce ,,the ,,modern ,,war ,,farce ,,fireworks ,,time',s ,,forelock ,,diaries ,,looking ,,backward ,,long ,,lives ,,vive ,,la ,,mort6 ,,men ,,and ,,bookmen ,,james ,i4 ,,on ,,tobacco ,a ,,counterblast ,,to ,,james ,i4 ,,valedictory 99 99 99 99 99 ,,part ,i ,,gossips ,,and ,,fantasies ,i ,a ,,vision ,,of ,,the ,,burden ,,of ,,man ,and it came to pass that my soul was vexed with the problems of life1 so that ,i could not sleep4 ,so ,i opened a book by a lady novelist1 and fell to reading therein4 ,and of a sudden ,i looked up1 and lo6 a great host of women filled the chamber1 which had become as the ,albert ,hall for magnitude--women of all complexions1 countries1 times1 ages1 and sexes4 ,some were bewitching and beautiful1 some wan and flat-breasted1 some elegant and stately1 some ugly and squat1 some plain and whitewashed1 and some painted and decorated2 women in silk gowns1 and women in divided skirts1 and women in widows' weeds1 and women in knickerbockers1 and women in ulsters1 and women in furs1 and women in crinolines1 and women in tights1 and women in rags2 but every woman of them all in tears4 ,the great chamber was full of a mighty babel2 shouts and ululations1 groans and moans1 weeping and wailing and gnashing of false and genuine teeth1 and tearing of hair both artificial and natural2 and therewith the flutter of a myriad fans1 and the rustle of a million powder-puffs4 ,and the air reeked with a thousand indescribable scents--patchouli and attar of roses and cherry blossom1 and the heavy odours of hair-oil and dyes and cosmetics and patent medicines innumerable4 ,now when the women perceived me on my reading-chair in their midst1 the shrill babel swelled to a savage thunder of menace1 so that ,i deemed they were wroth with me for intruding upon them in mine own house2 but as mine ear grew accustomed to the babel of tongues1 ,i became aware of the true import of their ejaculations4 ,o son of man6 they cried1 in various voices3 thy cruel reign is over1 thy long tyranny is done2 thou hast glutted thyself with victims1 thou hast got drunken on our hearts' blood1 we have made sport for thee in our blindness4 ,but the ,light is come at last1 the slow night has budded into the rose of dawn1 the masculine monster is in his death-throes1 the kingdom of justice is at hand1 the ,doll's ,house has been condemned by the sanitary inspector4 ,i strove to deprecate their wrath1 but my voice was as the twitter of a sparrow in a hurricane4 ,at length ,i ruffled my long hair to a leonine mane1 and seated myself at the piano4 ,and lo6 straightway there fell a deep silence--you could have heard a hairpin drop4 ,what would you have me do1 ,o daughters of ,eve8 ,i cried4 ,what is my sin8 what my iniquity8 ,then the clamour recommenced with tenfold violence1 disappointment at the loss of a free performance augmenting their anger4 ,give me a husband1 shrieked one4 ,give me a profession1 shrieked another4 ,give me a divorce1 shrieked a third4 ,give me free union1 shrieked a fourth4 ,give me an income1 shrieked a fifth4 ,give me my deceased sister's husband1 shrieked a sixth4 ,give me my divorced husband's children1 shrieked a seventh4 ,give me the right to paint from the nude in the ,academy schools1 shrieked an eighth4 ,give me an ,oxford degree1 shrieked a ninth4 ,give me a cigar1 shrieked a tenth4 ,give me a vote1 shrieked an eleventh4 ,give me a pair of trousers1 shrieked a twelfth4 ,give me a seat in the ,house1 shrieked a thirteenth4 ,daughters of the horse-leech1 ,i made answer1 taking advantage of a momentary lull1 ,i am not in a position to give away any of these things4 ,you had better ask at the ,stores4 ,but the tempest out-thundered me4 ,i want to ride bareback in the ,row in tights and spangles at #a p4 m4 on ,sundays1 shrieked a soberly clad suburban lady1 who sported a wedding-ring4 ,i want to move the world with my pen or the point of my toe2 ,i want to write1 dance1 sing1 act1 paint1 sculpt1 fence1 row1 ride1 swim1 hunt1 shoot1 fish1 love all men from young rustic farmers to old town rous1 lead the ,commons1 keep a salon1 a restaurant1 and a zoological garden1 row a boat in boy's costume1 with a tenor by moonlight alone1 and deluge ,europe and ,asia with blood shed for my intoxicating beauty4 ,i am primeval1 savage1 unlicensed1 unchartered1 unfathomable1 unpetticoated1 tumultuous1 inexpressible1 irrepressible1 overpowering1 crude1 mordant1 pugnacious1 polyandrous1 sensual1 fiery1 chaste1 modest1 married1 and misunderstood4 ,but1 madam1 ,i remarked--for in her excitement she approached within earshot of me--,i understand thee quite well1 and ,i really am not responsible for thy emotions4 ,her literary style beguiled me into the responsive archaicism of the second person singular4 ,coward6 she snapped4 ,coward and satyr6 ,for centuries thou hast trampled upon my sisters1 and desecrated womanhood4 ,i beg thy pardon1 ,i rejoined mildly4 ,thou dost not deserve it1 she interrupted4 ,thou art substituting hysteria for history1 ,i went on4 ,i was not born yesterday1 but ,i have only scored a few years more than a quarter of one century1 and seeing that my own mother was a woman1 ,i must refuse to be held accountable for the position of the sex4 ,sophist6 she shrieked4 ,it is thy apathy and selfishness that perpetuate the evil4 ,then ,i bethought me of my long vigils of work and thought1 the slow1 bitter years in which ,i ate my bread with tears1 and sat weeping on my bed1 and ,i remembered that some of those tears were for the sorrows of that very sex which was now accusing me of organised injustice4 ,but ,i replied gently3 ,i am no tyrant2 ,i am a simple1 peaceful citizen1 and it is as much as ,i can do to earn my bread and the bread of some of thy sex4 ,life is hard enough for both sexes1 without setting one against the other4 ,we are both the outcome of the same great forces1 and both of us have our special selfishnesses1 advantages1 and drawbacks4 ,if there is any cruelty1 it is ,nature's handiwork1 not man's4 ,so far from trampling on womanhood1 we have let a woman reign over us for more than half a century4 ,we worship womanhood1 we have celebrated woman in song1 picture1 and poem1 and half civilisation has adored the ,madonna4 ,let us have woman's point of view and the truth about her psychology1 by all means4 ,but beware lest she provoke us too far4 ,the ,ewigweibliche has become too literal a fact1 and in our reaction against this everlasting woman question we shall develop in unexpected directions4 ,her cry for equal purity will but end in the formal institution of the polygamy of the ,orient-- ,as ,i spoke the figure before me appeared to be undergoing a transformation1 and1 ere ,i had finished1 ,i perceived ,i was talking to an angry1 seedy man in a red muffler4 ,thee keeps down the proletariat1 he interrupted venomously4 ,thee lives on the sweat of his brow1 while thee fattens at ease4 ,thee plants thy foot on his neck4 ,do ,i8 ,i exclaimed1 lifting up my foot involuntarily4 ,mistaking the motion1 he disappeared1 and in his stead ,i saw a withered old pauper with the ,victoria ,cross on his breast4 ,i went to the mouth of hell for thee1 he said1 with large reproachful eyes2 and thou leavest me to rot in the workhouse4 ,i am awfully sorry6 ,i said4 ,i never heard of thee4 ,it is the nation-- ,the nation6 he cried scornfully4 ,thou art the nation2 the nation is only a collection of individuals4 ,thou art responsible4 ,thou art the man4 ,thou art the man1 echoed a thousand voices3 ,society is only an abstraction4 ,and1 looking round1 ,i saw1 to my horror1 that the women had quite disappeared1 and their places were filled by men of all complexions1 countries1 times1 ages1 and sexes4 ,i died in the streets1 shouted an old cripple in the background--round the corner from thy house1 in thy wealthy parish--,i died of starvation in this nineteenth century of the ,christian era1 and a generation after ,dickens's ',christmas ,carol4' ,if ,i had only known6 ,i murmured1 while my eyes grew moist4 ,why didst thou not come to me8 ,i was too proud to beg1 he answered4 ,the really poor never beg4 ,then how am ,i responsible8 ,i retorted4 ,how art thou responsible8 cried the voices indignantly2 and one dominating the rest added3 ,i want work and can't get it4 ,dost thou call thyself civilised8 ,civilised8 echoed a weedy young man scornfully4 ,i am a genius1 yet ,i have had nothing to eat all day4 ,thy congeners killed ,keats and ,chatterton1 and when ,i am dead thou wilt be sorry for what thou hast not done4 ,but hast thou published anything8 ,i asked4 ,how could ,i publish8 he replied1 indignantly4 ,then how could ,i be aware of thee8 ,i inquired4 ,but my great-grandfather did publish1 said another4 ,thou goest into ecstacies over him1 and his books have sold by tens of thousands2 but me thou leavest pensionless1 to earn my living as a cooper4 ,bah6 ,and thou didst put my father in prison1 said another1 for publishing the works of a ,continental novelist2 but when the novelist himself comes here1 thou puttest him in the place of honour4 ,i was fast growing overwhelmed with shame4 ,where is thy patriotism6 ,thou art letting some of the most unique ,british birds become extinct6 ,yes1 and thou lettest ,christmas cards be made in ,germany1 and thou deridest ,whistler1 and refusest to read ,dod ,grile1 and thou lettest books be published with the sheets pinned instead of sewn4 ,and the way thou neglectest ,coleridge's grave---- ,coleridge's grave8 interrupted a sad-eyed enthusiast4 ,why1 thou hast put no stone at all to mark where ,james ,thomson lies6 ,thou ,hun1 thou ,vandal6 shrieked a fresh contingent of voices in defiance of the late ,professor ,freeman4 ,thou hast allowed the ,emanuel ,hospital to be knocked down1 thou hast whitewashed the oaken ceiling of ,king ,charles's room at ,dartmouth1 and threatened to destroy the view from ,richmond ,hill4 ,thou hast smashed cathedral windows1 or scratched thy name on them1 hast pulled down ,roman walls1 and allowed commons to be inclosed4 ,thou coverest the ,lake ,district with advertisements of pills1 and the blue heaven itself with sky-signs2 and in thy passion for cheap and nasty pictorial journalism thou art allowing the art of wood-engraving to die out1 even as thou acceptest photogravures instead of etchings4 ,i cowered before their wrath1 while renewed cries of ,thou art responsible6 ,thou6 ,thou6 resounded from all sides4 ,a pretty ,christian thou art6 exclaimed another voice in unthinking vituperation4 ,thou decimatest savage tribes with rum and ,maxim guns1 thou makest money by corrupting the ,east with opium4 ,thou allowest the ,armenians to be done to death1 and thou wilt not put a stop to child-marriages in ,india4 ,but for thee ,i should have been alive to-day1 broke in a venerable spirit hovering near the ceiling4 ,if thou hadst refused to sell poison except in specially shaped bottles---- ,what canst thou expect of a man who allows anybody to carry firearms8 interrupted another voice4 ,or who fills his newspaper with divorce cases8 ,is it any wonder the rising generation is cynical1 and the young maiden of fifteen has ceased to be bashful8 ,shame on thee6 hissed the chorus1 and advanced upon me so threateningly that ,i seized my hat and rushed from the room4 ,but a burly being with a ,blue ,book blocked my way4 ,where didst thou get that hat8 he cried4 ,doubtless from some sweating establishment4 ,and those clothes2 didst thou investigate where they were made8 didst thou inquire how much thy tailor paid his hands8 didst thou engage an accountant to examine his books8 ,i--,i am so busy1 ,i stammered feebly4 ,shuffler6 ,how knowest thou thou art not spreading to the world the germs of scarlet fever and typhoid picked up in the sweaters' dens8 ,what cares he8 cried a tall1 thin man1 with a slight stoop and gold spectacles4 ,does he not poison the air every day with the smoke of his coal fires8 ,pison the air6 repeated a battered1 blear-eyed reprobate4 ,he pisoned my soul4 ,he ruined me with promiskus charity4 ,whenever ,i was stoney-broke 'e give me doles in aid1 'e did4 ',e wos werry bad to me1 'e wos4 ',e destroyed my self-respeck1 druv me to drink1 broke up my home1 and druv my darters on the streets4 ,this is what comes of undisciplined compassion1 observed the gold-spectacled gentleman1 glowering at me4 ,the integrity and virtue of a whole family sacrificed to the gratification of thy altruistic emotions6 ,stand out of the way6 ,i cried to the burly man2 ,i wish to leave my own house4 ,and carry thy rudeness abroad8 he retorted indignantly4 ,perchance thou wouldst like to go to the ,continent1 and swagger through ,europe clad in thy loud-patterned checks and thine insular self-sufficiency4 ,i tried to move him out of the way by brute force1 and we wrestled1 and he threw me4 ,i heard myself strike the floor with a thud4 ,rubbing my eyes1 instead of my back1 ,i discovered that ,i was safe in my reading-chair1 and that it was the lady novelist's novel that had made the noise4 ,i picked it up1 but ,i still seemed to see the reproachful eyes of a thousand tormentors1 and hear their objurgations4 ,yet ,i had none of the emotions of ,scrooge1 no prickings of conscience1 no ferment of good resolutions4 ,instead1 ,i felt a wave of bitterness and indignation flooding my soul4 ,i will not be responsible for the universe6 ,i cried to the ceiling4 ,i am sick of the woman question1 and the problem of man makes my gorge rise4 ,is there one question in the world that can really be settled8 ,no1 not one1 except by superficial thinkers4 ,just as the comprehensive explanation of 'the flower in the crannied wall' is the explanation of the whole universe1 so every question is but a thin layer of ice over infinite depths4 ,you may touch it lightly1 you may skate over it2 but press it at all1 and you sink into bottomless abysses4 ,the simplest interrogation is a doorway to chaos1 to endless perspectives of winding paths perpetually turning upon themselves in a blind maze4 ,suppose one is besought to sign a petition against capital punishment4 ,a really conscientious and logical person1 pursuing truth after the manner recommended by ,descartes1 and professed by ,huxley1 could not settle this question for himself without going into the endless question of ,free-will versus ,necessity1 and studying the various systems of philosophy and ethics4 ,murder may be due to insane impulse3 ,insanity must therefore be studied4 ,moreover1 ought not hanging to be abolished in cases of murder and reserved for more noxious crimes1 such as those of fraudulent directors8 ,this opens up new perspectives and new lines of study4 ,the whole theory of ,punishment would also have to be gone into3 should it be restrictive1 or revengeful1 or reformative8 7,see ,aristotle1 ,bentham1 ,owen1 etc47 ,incidentally great tracts of the science of ,psychology are involved4 ,and what right have we to interfere with our fellow-creatures at all8 ,this opens up the vast domains of ,law and ,government1 and requires the perusal of ,montesquieu1 ,bodin1 ,rousseau1 ,mill1 etc41 etc4 ,sociology would also be called in to determine the beneficent or maleficent influence of the death-punishment upon the popular mind2 and statistics would be required to trace the operation of the systems of punishment in various countries4 ,history would be consulted to the same effect4 ,the sanctity of human life being a religious dogma1 the religions of the world would have to be studied1 to see under what conditions it has been thought permissible to destroy life4 ,one ought not to rely on translations3 ,confucius should be read in ,chinese1 the ,koran in ,arabic1 and the few years spent in the acquisition of ,persian would be rewarded by a first-hand familiarity with the ,zend ,avesta4 ,the ,old ,testament enjoins capital punishment4 ,on what grounds1 then1 if one is leaning the other way1 may a text be set aside that seems to settle the matter positively8 ,here comes in the vast army of ,bible commentators and theologians4 ,but perhaps the text is of late origin1 interpolated4 ,the ,dutch and ,german savants rise in their might1 with their ingenious theories and microscopic scholarship4 ,but there are other scientists who bid us not heed the ,bible at all1 because it contradicts the latest editions of their primers4 ,is1 then1 science strictly accurate8 ,to answer this you must have a thorough acquaintance with biology1 geology1 astronomy1 besides deciding for yourself between the conflicting views at nearly every point4 ,by the time you have made up your mind as to whether capital punishment should be abolished1 it has passed out of the statute-book1 and you are dead1 or mad1 or murdered4 ,but were this the only question a man has to settle in his short span of years1 he might cheerfully engage in its solution4 ,but life bristles with a hundred questions equally capital1 and with a thousand-and-one minor problems on which he is expected to have an opinion1 and about which he is asked at one time or other1 if only at dinner4 ,at this moment the ,poet who shares my chambers came in--later than he should have done--and interrupted my soliloquy4 ,but ,i was still hot1 and enlisted his interest in my vision and my apologia1 and began drawing up a list of the questions1 in which after a while he became so interested that he started adding to it4 ,hours flew like minutes1 and only the splitting headache we both brought upon ourselves drove us to desist4 ,here is our first rough list of the questions that confront the modern man--a disorderly1 deficient1 and tautological list1 no doubt1 to which any reader can add many hundred more4 ,,vexed ,,questions ,queen ,mary and ,bothwell4 ,shakespeare and ,bacon4 ,correct transliteration of ,greek2 pronunciation of ,latin4 ,sunday opening of museums2 of theatres4 ,the ,english ,sunday2 ,bank ,holiday4 ,darwinism4 ,is there spontaneous creation8 or spontaneous combustion8 ,the germ theory2 ,pasteur's cures2 ,mattei's cures2 ,virchow's cell theory4 ,unity of ,homer2 of the ,bible4 ,dickens v4 ,thackeray4 ,shall we ever fly8 or steer balloons8 ,the credit system2 the discount system4 ,impressionism1 decadence1 ,japanese art1 the plein air school4 ,realism v4 romance2 ,gothic v4 ,greek art4 ,russian fiction1 ,dutch1 ,bulgarian1 ,norwegian1 ,american1 etc41 etc43 opinion of every novel ever written1 of every school1 in every language 7you must read them in the original72 ditto of every opera and piece of music1 with supplementary opinions about every vocalist and performer2 ditto of every play1 with supplementary opinions about every actor1 dancer1 etc42 ditto of every poem2 ditto of every picture ever painted1 with estimates of every artist in every one of his manners at every stage of his development and decisions as to which pictures are not genuine2 also of every critic of literature1 drama1 art1 and music 7in all of which departments certain names are equal to an appalling plexus of questions--,wagner1 ,ibsen1 ,meredith1 ,browning1 ,comte1 ,goethe1 ,shakespeare1 ,dante1 ,degas1 ,rousseau1 ,tolsto1 ,maeterlinck1 ,strindberg1 ,zola1 ,whistler1 ,leopardi1 ,emerson1 ,carlyle1 ,swedenborg1 ,rabelais74 ,socialism1 its various schools1 its past and its future2 ,anarchism3 bombs4 ,labour questions3 the ,eight ,hours' ,day1 the ,unemployed1 the ,living ,wage1 etc41 etc4 ,mr4 ,gladstone's career4 ,shall members of ,parliament be paid8 ,chamberlain's position2 ditto for every statesman in every country1 to-day and in all past ages4 ,south ,africa1 ,rhodes1 ,captain ,jim4 ,the ,english girl v4 the ,french or the ,american4 ,invidious comparisons of every people from every point of view1 physical1 moral1 intellectual1 and aesthetic4 ,vizetelly4 ,vivisection4 ,first love v4 later love2 ,french marriage system v4 the ,english4 ,the corrupt choruses in the ,greek dramas 7also in modern burlesque--with the question of the ,church and ,stage ,guild1 ,zaeo's back1 the ,county ,council1 etc474 ,how to make ,london beautiful4 ,fogs4 ,bi-metallism4 ,secondary ,education4 ,volunteer or conscript8 ,anonymity in journalism4 ,christianity1 ,judaism1 ,buddhism1 and ,mohammedanism3 their mutual superiorities1 their past and their future4 ,plato1 ,spinoza1 ,kant1 ,hegel1 and all philosophers and philosophies4 ,the ,independent ,theatre4 ,the origin of language1 ,where do the ,aryans come from8 ,was ,mrs4 ,maybrick guilty8 ,same question for every great murderer4 ,the ,tichborne case1 and every other cause clbre1 including divorce cases4 ,crime and punishment4 ,music-hall songs4 ,heredity3 are acquired qualities inherited8 ,is tobacco a mistake8 ,is drink8 ,is marriage8 ,is the high hat8 ,polygamy2 the social evil4 ,are the planets inhabited8 ,is the ,english concert pitch too high8 ,the divided skirt4 ,the antiquity of man4 ,geology3 is the story of the rocks short1 or long1 or true8 ,geology v4 ,genesis2 ,genesis v4 ,kuenen4 ,was ,pope a poet8 ,was ,whitman8 ,was ,poe a drunkard1 or ,griswold a liar8 ,was ,hamlet mad8 ,was ,blake8 ,is waltzing immoral8 ,is humour declining8 ,is there a modern ,british drama8 ,corporal punishment in schools4 ,compulsory vaccination4 ,what shall we do with our daughters8 or our sons8 or our criminals8 or our paupers8 or ourselves8 ,female franchise4 ,republicanism4 ,which is the best soap8 or tooth-powder8 ,is ,morris's printing really good8 ,is the race progressing8 ,is our navy fit8 ,should dynamite be used in war8 or in peace8 ,what persons should be buried in ,westminster ,abbey8 ,origin of every fairy-tale4 ,who made our proverbs and ballads8 ,cold baths v4 hot or ,turkish4 ,home ,rule4 ,should the ,royal ,academy be abolished8 and who should be the next ,r4,a48 ,should there be an ,academy of ,literature8 or a ,channel ,tunnel8 ,was ,de ,lesseps to blame8 ,should we not patronise ,english watering-places8 ,should there be pianos in board schools8 or theology8 ,authors and publishers2 artists and authors4 ,is literature a trade8 ,should pauper aliens be admitted8 or pauper couples separated8 ,bank ,holiday4 ,irving v4 ,tree4 ,the world's politics1 present1 future1 and even past--retrospective questions being constantly re-agitated3 as1 ,should the ,american slaves have been emancipated8 or ,was the ,french ,revolution a ,folly8 ,apropos1 which is the best history of it8 ,who is the rightful ,queen of ,england8 ,is cycling injurious to the cyclist8 or the public8 ,who was the ,man in the ,iron ,mask8 ,is the ,stock ,exchange immoral8 ,what is influenza8 ,ought we to give cabmen more than their fare8 ,tips generally4 ,should dogs be muzzled8 ,have we a right to extend our empire8 or to keep it8 ,should we federate it8 ,are there ghosts8 ,is spiritualism a fraud8 ,is theosophy8 ,was ,madame ,blavatsky8 ,was ,jezebel a wretch1 or a ,hellenist8 ,the abuse of the quarantine4 ,should ladies ride astride8 ,amateurs v4 professionals in sports4 ,is prize-fighting beneficial8 ,is trial by jury played out8 ,the cost of law3 ,chancery4 ,abuses of the ,universities4 ,the ,cambridge ,spinning ,house4 ,compulsory ,greek4 ,the endowment of research4 ,a teaching university in ,london4 ,is there a sea-serpent8 ,servants v4 mistresses4 ,shall the ,jews have ,palestine8 ,classical v4 modern side in schools4 ,should we abolish the censorship of plays8 or fees8 or found a dramatic academy8 or a ,state theatre8 ,should gambling be legal8 ,should potatoes be boiled in their skins8 should dynamiters8 ,should newspapers publish racing tips8 or divorce cases8 or comment8 ,the ,new ,journalism4 ,what is the best ninth move in the ,evans gambit8 ,would ,morphy have been a first-class chess-player to-day8 ,is the ,steinitz gambit sound8 ,do plants dream8 ,ought we to fill up income-tax papers accurately8 ,shelley and ,harriet and ,mary4 ,swift and ,vanessa and ,stella4 ,lord and ,lady ,byron4 ,did ,mrs4 ,carlyle deserve it8 ,the limits of biography2 of photography in painting2 of the spot-stroke in billiards4 ,did ,shakespeare hold horses8 ,should girls be brought up like boys1 or boys like girls1 or both like one another8 ,are animals automata8 ,have they reason8 or do they live without reason8 ,will ,brighton ,a's fall8 or ,peruvians rise8 ,is it cruel to cage birds and animals8 ,what is the best breed of horses8 ,did ,wellington say ,up1 ,guards1 and at 'em8 ,cremation v4 ,burial4 ,should immoral men be allowed to retain office8 ,is suicide immoral8 ,opinion of the character of ,elizabeth1 ,parnell1 ,catherine1 ,cleopatra1 ,rousseau1 ,jack the ,ripper1 ,semiramis1 ,lucrezia ,borgia1 etc41 etc4 ,the present state of the ,libel ,law2 and of the ,game ,laws4 ,is vegetarianism higher8 or healthier8 ,do actors feel their parts8 ,should ,german type be abolished8 or book-edges cut8 or editions artificially limited8 or organ-grinders8 ,how about church-and-muffin-bells8 ,peasant proprietorship4 ,deer or ,highlanders8 ,were our ancestors taller than we8 ,is fruit or market-gardening or cattle-farming more profitable8 ,dutch v4 ,italian gardening4 ,what is an etching8 ,do dreams come true8 ,is freemasonry a fraud8 or champagne8 are ,havanas8 ,best brand of whiskey8 ,ought ,building and ,friendly ,societies to be supervised8 ,smoking in theatres4 ,should gentlemen pay ladies' cab-fares8 ,genius and insanity4 ,are cigarettes poisonous8 ,is luxury a boon8 ,thirteen at table1 and all other superstitions--are they foolish8 ,why young men don't marry4 ,shall we ever reach the ,pole8 ,how soon will ,england and the ,states be at war8 ,the real sites and people in ,thackeray's novels4 ,a universal penny post8 ,cheap telegrams and telephones8 ,is the ,bank of ,england safe8 ,are the planets inhabited8 ,should girls have more liberty8 ,should they propose8 or wear crinolines8 ,why not have an unlimited paper currency8 or a decimal system and coinage8 or a one-pound note8 ,should we abolish the ,lords8 or preserve the ,commons8 ,why not euthanasia8 ,should dramatic critics write plays8 ,who built the ,pyramids8 ,are the ,english the ,lost ,ten ,tribes8 ,should we send missions to the heathen8 ,how long will our coal hold out8 ,who executed ,charles ,i48 ,are the tablets of ,tel-el-,amarna trustworthy8 are hieroglyphic readers8 ,will war ever die8 or people live to a hundred8 ,the best moustache-forcer1 bicycle1 typewriter1 and system of shorthand or of teaching the blind8 ,was ,sam ,weller possible8 ,who was the original of ,becky ,sharp8 ,of ,dodo8 ,does tea hurt8 ,do gutta-percha shoes8 or cork soles8 ,shall we disestablish the church8 or tolerate a reredos in ,st4 ,paul's8 ,is ,euclid played out8 ,is there a fourth dimension of space8 ,which is the real old ,curiosity ,shop8 ,is the ,continental man better educated than the ,briton8 ,why can't we square the circle8 or solve equations to the nth degree8 or colour-print in ,england8 ,what is the use of ,south ,kensington8 ,is paraffin good for baldness8 or eucalyptus for influenza8 ,how many elements are there8 ,should cousins marry8 or the ,house be adjourned on ,derby ,day8 ,do water-colours fade8 ,will the ether theory live8 or ,stanley's reputation8 ,is ,free ,trade fair8 ,is a ,free ,press8 ,is fox-hunting cruel8 or pigeon-shooting8 ,how about the ,queen's staghounds8 ,should not each railway station bear its name in big letters8 and have better refreshments8 ,should we permit sky-signs8 ,limits of advertisement4 ,preservation of historic buildings and beautiful views v4 utilitarianism4 ,is the coinage ugly8 ,should we not get letters on ,sunday8 ,who really wrote the ,marseillaise8 ,are examinations any real test8 ,promotion in the ,army or the ,civil ,service4 ,is logic or mathematics the primal science8 and what is the best system of symbolic logic8 ,should curates be paid more and archbishops less8 ,should postmen knock8 or combine8 ,are they under military rgime8 or underpaid8 ,should ,board ,school children be taught religion8 ,the future of ,china and ,japan4 ,is ,anglo-,indian society immoral8 ,style or matter8 ,have we one personality or many8--with a hundred other questions of psychology and ethics4 ,a graduated income tax--with a hundred other questions of political economy4 ,asphalt for horses4 ,will the ,french republic endure8 ,will ,america have an aristocracy8 ,shall ,welsh perish8 ,is ,platonic love possible8 ,did ,shakespeare write ,coriolanus8 ,is there a skull in ,holbein's ,ambassadors8 ,what is the meaning of ,dryden's line1 ,he was and is the ,captain of the ,test8 or of the horny projection under the left wing of the sub-parasite of the third leg of a black-beetle8 ,was ,orme poisoned8 ,are there fresh-water jelly-fishes8 ,is physiognomy true8 or phrenology8 or graphology8 or cheiromancy8 ,if so1 what are their laws8 ,opinions on ,guelphs and ,ghibellines1 fasting displays1 infanticide1 the genealogy of the peerage1 the origin of public-house signs1 ,siberia1 the author of ,junius1 of the ,sibylline ,books1 werewolves1 dyeing one's hair1 coffin-ships1 standing armies1 the mediaeval monasteries1 ,church ,brotherhoods1 state insurance of the poor1 promiscuous almsgiving1 the rights of animals1 the ,c4 ,d4 ,acts1 the ,kernoozer ,club1 emigration1 book-plates1 the ,psychical ,society1 ,kindergarten1 ,henry ,george1 ,positivism1 ,chevalier's ,coster1 colour-blindness1 ,total ,abstinence1 ,arbitration1 the best hundred books1 ,local ,option1 ,women's ,rights1 the ,wandering ,jew1 the ,flying ,dutchman1 the ,neanderthal skull1 the ,early ,closing movement1 the ,prince of ,wales1 and the ,tonic ,sol-fa notation4 ,is there an ,english hexameter8 ,is a perfect translation impossible8 ,will the coloured races conquer8 ,is consumption curable8 ,is celibacy possible8 ,can novels be really dramatised8 ,is the ,french school of acting superior to ours8 ,should literary men be offered peerages8 or refuse them8 ,should quack-doctors be prosecuted8 ,should critics practise without a license8 ,are the poor happier or unhappier than the rich8 or is ,paley right8 ,did ,paley steal his celebrated watch8 ,did ,milton steal from ,vondel8 ,is the ,salon dead in ,england8 ,should duelling be revived8 ,what is the right thing in dados1 hall-lamps1 dressing-gowns1 etc48 ,should ladies smoke8 ,is there a ,ghetto in ,england8 ,anti-,semitism4 ,why should ,london wait8 or ,german waiters8 ,mr4 ,stead's revival of pilgrimages4 ,is ,grimm's ,law universal8 ,the abuses of the ,civil ,service2 of the ,pension ,list4 ,dr4 ,barnardo4 ,grievances of match-girls2 of elementary teachers4 ,are our police reliable8 ,is ,stevenson's ,scotch accurate8 ,is our lifeboat service efficient8 ,the ,eastern ,question4 ,what is an ,english fairy-tale8 ,what are the spots on the sun8 ,have they anything to do with commercial crises8 ,should we spoil the ,court if we spared the ,black ,rod8 or the ,city if we spared the ,lord ,mayor8 ,is chloroforming dangerous8 ,should armorial bearings be taxed8 or a tradesman's holiday use of his cart8 ,should classical texts be ,bowdlerised for school-boys8 ,is the confessional of value8 ,is red the best colour for a soldier's uniform or for a target8 ,will it rain to-morrow8 ,ought any one to carry firearms8 ,do we permit the cancan on the ,english stage8 or arial flights without nets8 ,where are the lost ,tales of ,miletus8 ,should lawyers wear their own hair8 ,was the ,silent ,system so bad8 ,should a novel have a purpose8 ,was the ,victoria ,fund rightly distributed8 ,what is the origin of ,egyptian civilisation8 ,is it allowable to say1 ,it's me8 ,every other doubtful point of grammar and--worse still--of pronunciation2 also of etymology4 ,may we say ,give an ovation8 ,is the ,german ,emperor a genius1 or a fool8 ,should bachelors be taxed8 ,will the family be abolished8 ,ensilage4 ,why was ,ovid banished from ,rome8 ,is the soul immortal8 ,is our art-pottery bad8 ,is the ,revised ,version of the ,bible superior to the ,old8 ,who stole ,gainsborough's picture8 ,which are the rarest coins and stamps8 ,is there any sugar in the blood8 ,blondes or brunettes8 ,do monkeys talk8 ,what should you lead at whist8 ,should directors of insolvent companies be prosecuted8 ,or classics be annotated8 ,was ,boswell a fool8 ,do ,i exist8 ,does anybody else exist8 ,is ,england declining8 ,shall the costers stand in ,farringdon ,street8 ,do green wall-papers contain arsenic8 ,shall we adopt phonetic spelling8 ,is life worth living8 ,the last question at least ,i thought ,i could answer1 as ,i bore to bed with me that headache which you have doubtless acquired if you have been foolish enough to read the list4 ,if only one were a journalist1 one would have definite opinions on all these points4 ,and to these questions every day brings a fresh quota4 ,you are expected to have read the latest paragraph in the latest paper1 and the newest novel1 and not to have missed such and such an article in such and such a quarterly4 ,and all the while you are fulfilling the duties of1 and solving the problems of1 son1 brother1 cousin1 husband1 father1 friend1 parishioner1 citizen1 patriot1 all complicated by specific religious and social relations1 and earning your living by some business that has its own hosts of special problems1 and you are answering letters from everybody about everything1 and deciding as to the genuineness of begging appeals1 and wrestling with some form or forms of disease1 pain1 and sorrow4 ,truly1 we are imperfect instruments for determining truth1 ,i said to the ,poet4 ,the sane person acts from impulse1 and only pretends to give a reason4 ,reason is only called in to justify the verdict of prejudice4 ,sometimes the impulse is sentiment--which is prejudice touched with emotion4 ,we cannot judge anything on pure1 abstract grounds1 because the balance is biassed4 ,a human being is born a bundle of prejudices1 a group of instincts and intuitions and emotions that precede judgment4 ,patriotism is prejudice touched with pride1 and politics is prejudice touched with spite4 ,philosophy is prejudice put into propositions1 and art is prejudice put into paint or sound1 and religion is a pious opinion4 ,every man is born a ,platonist or an ,aristotelian1 a ,romanticist1 or a ,realist1 or an ,impressionist1 and usually erects his own limitations into a creed4 ,every country1 town1 district1 family1 individual1 has a special set of prejudices along the lines of which it moves1 and which it mistakes for exclusive truths or reasoned conclusions4 ,touch human society anywhere1 it is rotten1 it crumbles into a myriad notes of interrogation2 the acid of analysis dissolves every ideal4 ,humanity only keeps alive and sound by going on in faith and hope1--solvitur ambulando1--if it sat down to ask questions1 it would freeze like the traveller in the ,polar regions4 ,the world is saved by bad logic4 ,and by good feeling1 added my friend the ,poet4 ,and in the face of all these questions1 ,i cried1 surveying the list ruefully again1 we go on accumulating researches and multiplying books without end1 vituperating the benefactors who destroyed the library of ,alexandria1 and exhuming the civilisations that the earthquakes of ,time have swallowed under4 ,the ,hamlet of centuries1 'sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought1' the nineteenth of that ilk mouches along1 soliloquising about more things in heaven and earth than were dreamt of in any of its predecessors' philosophies4 ,ah me6 ,analysis is paralysis and introspection is vivisection and culture drives one mad4 ,what will be the end of it all8 ,the end will be1 answered the ,poet1 that the overstrung nerves of the century will give way1 and that we shall fall into the simple old faith of ,omar ,khayym3 ,a ,book of ,verses underneath the ,bough1 ,a ,jug of ,wine1 a ,loaf of ,bread1 and ,thou ,beside me singing in the ,wilderness-- ,o ,wilderness were ,paradise enow4 ,yes1 said ,i1 the only wisdom is to live4 ,action is substance and thought shadow4 ,and so--paradoxically enough--,i began to think out ,a ,,working ,,philosophy ,the solar system turns without thine aid4 ,live1 die6 ,the universe is not afraid4 ,what is is right6 ,if aught seems wrong below1 ,then wrong it is--of thee to leave it so4 ,then wrong it first becomes for human thought1 ,which else would die of dieting on naught4 ,tied down by race and sex and creed and station1 ,go1 learn to find thy strength in limitation1 ,to do the little good that comes to hand1 ,content to love and not to understand2 ,faithful to friends and country1 work and dreams1 ,knowing the ,real is the thing that seems4 ,while reverencing every nobleness1 ,in whatsoever tongue or shape or dress1 ,speak out the word that to thy soul seems right1 ,strike out thy path by individual light3 ',tis contradictory rays that give the ,white4 ,the ideas are good4 ,but what a pity you are not a poet6 said my friend the ,poet4 ,but1 though ,i recognise that prejudice in the deepest sense supplies the matter of judgment1 while logic is only regulative of the form1 yet in the more work-a-day sense of the word in which prejudice is taken to mean an opinion formed without reasoning and maintained in despite of it1 ,i claim to write absolutely without prejudice4 ,the syllogism is my lord and king4 ,a kind-hearted lady said ,i had a cruel face4 ,it is true4 ,i am absolutely remorseless in tracking down a non sequitur1 pitiless in forcing data to yield up their implicit conclusions4 ,logic6 ,logic6 snorted my friend the ,poet4 ,life is not logical4 ,we cannot be logical4 ,of course not1 said ,i2 ,i should not dream of asking men to live logically3 all ,i ask is that they should argue logically4 ,but to be unprejudiced does not mean to have no convictions4 ,the superficial confuse definiteness with prejudice1 forgetting that definite opinions may be the result of careful judgment4 ,post-judiced ,i trust ,i am4 ,but prejudiced8 ,heaven forfend6 ,why1 'tis because ,i do not wish to bind myself to anything that ,i may say in them that ,i mark these personal communications ,without ,prejudice6 ,for ,i do not at all mind contradicting myself4 ,if it were some one of reverend years or superior talents ,i might hesitate1 but between equals----6 ,contradiction is the privilege of camaraderie and the essence of causerie4 ,we agree to differ--,i and myself4 ,i am none of your dogmatic fellows with pigeon-holes for minds1 and whatever ,i say ,i do not stick to4 ,and ,i will tell you why4 ,there is hardly a pretty woman of my acquaintance who has not asked for my hand4 ,owing to this passion for palmistry in polite circles1 ,i have discovered that ,i possess as many characters as there are palmists4 ,do you wonder1 therefore1 if1 with such a posse of personalities to pick from1 ,i am never alike two days running8 ,with so varied a psychological wardrobe at command1 it would be mere self-denial to be faithful to one's self4 ,i leave that to the one-,i'd who can see only one side of a question4 ,said ,tennyson to a friend 7who printed it73 ',in ,memoriam' is more optimistic than ,i am2 and there is more of the real man in that little remark than in all the biographies4 ,the published prophet has to live up to his public halo4 ,so have ,i seen an actress on tour slip from a third-class railway carriage into a brougham4 ,tennyson was not mealy-mouthed1 but then he did not bargain for an audience of phonographs4 ,nowadays it is difficult to distinguish your friends from your biographers4 ,the worst of it is that the land is thick with fools who think nothing of a great man the moment they discover he was a man4 ,tennyson was all the greater for his honest doubt4 ,the cocksure centuries are passed for ever4 ,in these hard times we have to work for our opinions2 we cannot rely on inheriting them from our fathers4 ,i write with a capital ,i at the risk of being accused of egotism4 ,apparently it is more modest to be conceited in the third person1 like the child who says ,tommy is a good boy1 or in the first person plural1 like the leader-writer of ,the ,times1 who bids the ,continent tremble at his frown4 ,by a singular fallacy1 which ought scarcely to deceive children1 it is forgotten that everything that has ever been written since the world began has been written by some one person1 by an ,i1 though that ,i might have been omitted from the composition or replaced by the journalistic we4 ,to some extent the journalist does sink his personality in that imaginary personality of his paper1 a personality built up1 like the human personality1 by its past2 and the result is a pompous1 colourless1 lifeless simulacrum4 ,but in every other department of letters the trail of the ,i is over every page and every sentence4 ,the most impersonal essays and poems are all in a sense egoistic4 ,everything should really be between inverted commas with an introductory ,thus say ,i4 ,but as these are omitted1 as being understood1 they come at last to be misunderstood4 ,in the days ere writing was invented1 this elementary error was not possible4 ,the words were heard issuing from the lips of a single man2 every opinion1 every law of conduct1 must have been at first formulated through the lips of some one man4 ,and to this day1 in spite of the wilderness of tradition and authority by which we are overgrown1 the voice of the one man is still our only living source of inspiration and help4 ,every new thought must pass through the brain1 every moral ideal through the conscience1 of an individual4 ,voices1 voices1 we want--not echoes4 ,better the mistaken voice of honest individuality than the soulless bleat of the flock4 ,there are too many of ,kipling's ,tomlinsons in the world1 whose consciences are wholly compact of on dits1 on whom the devil himself1 sinned they never so sadly1 would refuse to waste his good pit-coal4 ,bad taste--that opprobrious phrase which1 worse than the accusation of a crime1 cannot be refuted1 for it is the king of the question-beggars1--bad taste is responsible for half the reticence that marks current writing1 for the failure to prick the bladders of every species that bloat themselves all around us4 ,good taste is the staunchest ally of hypocrisy1 and corruption is the obverse side of civilisation4 ,i do not believe in these general truths that rule the market4 ,what is true for all is false for each4 ,it is the business of every man to speak out1 to be himself1 to contribute his own thought to the world's thinking--to be egoistic4 ,to be egoistic is not to be egotistic4 ,egoism should be distinguished from egotism4 ,the egoist thinks for himself1 the egotist about himself4 ,mr4 ,meredith's ,sir ,willoughby should not have been styled the ,egoist4 ,the egoist offers his thought to his fellow-men1 the egotist thinks it is the only thought worth their acceptance4 ,these papers of mine joyously plead guilty to egoism1 but not to egotism4 ,if they1 for instance1 pretend to appraise the powers of my contemporaries1 they do not pretend to be more than an individual appraisal4 ,whoever wants another opinion can go somewhere else4 ,there is no lack of practitioners in criticism1 more or less skilful4 ,there must be a struggle for existence among opinions1 as among all other things1 and the egoist is content to send the children of his thought into the thick of the fray1 confident that the fittest will survive4 ,only he is not so childish as to make-believe that an impersonal dignified something-not-himself that makes for the ink-pot is speaking--and not he himself1 he with his little ,i4 ,the affectation of modesty is perhaps the most ludicrous of all human shams4 ,i am reminded of the two ,jews who quarrelled in synagogue1 during the procession of palm-branches1 because each wanted to be last1 as befitted the humblest man in ,israel1 which each claimed to be4 ,this is indeed the pride that apes humility4 ,there is a good deal of this sort of pride in the careful and conscientious suppression of the egoistic in books and speeches4 ,i have nothing of this modesty to be proud of4 ,i know that ,i am cleverer than the man in the street1 though ,i take no credit to myself for it1 as it is a mere accident of birth1 and on the whole a regrettable one4 ,it was this absence of modesty from my composition that recently enabled me to propose the toast of literature coupled with the name of ,mr4 ,zangwill4 ,i said that ,i could wish that some one more competent and distinguished than myself had been chosen to do justice to such a toast and to such a distinguished man of letters1 but ,i did my best to pay him the tribute he deserved ere ,i sat down amid universal applause4 ,when ,i rose amid renewed cheers to reply1 ,i began by saying that ,i could wish that some one more competent and distinguished than myself had been chosen to respond to so important a toast--the last speaker had considerably overrated my humble achievements in the fields of literature4 ,so that you see ,i could easily master the modest manner1 if ,i took any pains or set any store by it4 ,but in my articles of faith the ,i is just what ,i would accentuate most1 the ,i through which for each of us the universe flows1 by which any truth must be perceived in order to be true1 and which is not to be replaced by that false abstraction1 the communal mind4 ,here are a laughing philosopher's definitions of some cardinal things3 ,philosophy--,all my ,i4 ,art--,all my ,eye4 ,religion--,all my ,ay4 ,also at the outset let it be distinctly understood that ,i write without any prejudice in favour of grammar4 ,the fear of the critics is the beginning of pedantry4 ,i detest your scholiast whose footnotes would take ,thackeray to task for his and whiches1 and your professor who disdains the voice of the people1 which is the voice of the god of grammar4 ,i know all the scholiast has to say 7surely he is the silly ,greek3 scholastikos of ,greek anecdote71 and indeed ,i owe all my own notions of diction to a work on ,style written by him4 ,it was from the style of this work that ,i learnt what to avoid4 ,the book reminded me of my old schoolmaster1 who grew very angry with me for using the word ain't1 and vociferated ,ain't6 ,how often am ,i to tell you ain't ain't a word8 ,i suppose one may take it for granted that the greater the writer the worse the grammar4 ,fools follow rules4 ,wise men precede them4 7,query3 this being a quotation from myself1 was ,i bound to put the inverted commas87 ,shakespeare has violated every rule of the schoolroom1 and the more self-conscious stylist of our own day--,stevenson--would be caned for composition4 ,i find him writing ,they are not us1 which is almost as blasphemous as ,it's me4 ,his reputation has closed the critics' eyes to such sentences as these in his essay on ,some ,portraits by ,raeburn3 ,each of his portraits are not only a piece of history 4442 ,neither of the portraits of ,sir ,walter ,scott were very agreeable to look upon4 ,stevenson is a master1 but not a schoolmaster1 of ,english4 ,of course bad grammar does not make a genius1 any more than bad morals4 7,note how much this sentence would lose in crispness if ,i made it grammatical by tacking on do47 ,my friend the musician complained to me that when he studied harmony and form he was told he must not do this1 that and the other2 whereas1 when he came to look into the works of the great composers he found they made a practice of all the three4 ,am ,i a genius8 he queried pathetically4 ,if so1 ,i could do as ,i please4 ,i wish ,i knew4 ,every author who can read and write is in the same predicament3 on the one hand his own instinct for a phrase or a sentence1 on the other the contempt of every honest critic4 ,the guardians of the laws of ,english have a stock of taboos2 but unlike the guardians of the laws of ,england they credit every disregard of them to ignorance4 ,they cannot conceive of malice aforethought4 ,we are forbidden1 for example1 to use the word phenomenal in the sense of extraordinary4 ,but1 with ,mr4 ,crummles's ,infant ,phenomenon in everybody's mind1 can we expect the adjective to shake off the old associations of its parent noun8 ,last year ,i culled an amusing sentence from a ,standard criticism of a tale of adventure3 ,the story is a well-told1 and in spite of the word 'unreliable1' a well-written one4 ,now just as many foolish persons object to a 444 one as to unreliable4 ,as for the first phrase1 ,i am sure so great a writer as ,tom ,hood would have pronounced it ,a#a1 while unreliable is defended with unusual warmth by ,webster's ,dictionary4 ,the contention that reliable should be reli-on-able1 is ridiculous1 and ,webster's argument is laughable1 which should obviously be laugh-at-able4 ,these remarks are made quite without prejudice1 for personally ,i have little to complain of4 7,by the way1 this sentence is as open to blame as that of the professor who told his pupils ,you must not use a preposition to end a sentence with47 ,though ,i have sat under an army of critics1 ,i have but once been accused of inelegant ,english1 and then it was only by a lady who wrote that my slipshod style aggravated her4 ,finally it will be remarked that by dispensing with illustrations ,i preserve intact my egoism and the dignity of a rival art4 ,nothing can be more absurd than the conventional illustration which merely attempts to picture over again what the writer has already pictured in words4 ,not only is the effort superfluous1 a waste of force1 but the artist's picture is too often in flat contradiction of the text4 ,whom are you to believe1 the author or the artist8 the man who tells you that the heroine is ethereal1 or the man who plainly demonstrates that she is podgy8 ,how often1 too1 do the people dress differently in the words and in the picture1 not to speak of the shifting backgrounds6 ,dickens had so much difficulty with his illustrations because he saw his characters so much more clearly than any other novelist2 the sight of his inner eye was so good4 ,and one can understand1 too1 how ,cruikshank came to fancy he had created ,oliver ,twist1 much as an actor imagines he creates a character4 ,the true collaboration between author and artist requires that the work should be divided between them1 not reduplicated4 ,those parts of the story which need the intervention of words should be allotted to the writer1 while to the artist should be entrusted the parts better told by pencil4 ,neither need trench on the other's province4 ,description--which so many readers skip already--would be abolished4 ,even incidents--such as murder--could be caught by the artist in the act4 ,and after the artist had killed a character1 the author could preach over his corpse4 ,thus there would be an agreeable reversion to picture-language1 the earliest way of writing1 and the latest4 ,the ends of the ages would meet in a romance written on these lines3-- ,sick at heart we watched till the grey dawn stole in through the diamond-paned casements of the ,grange1 and then1 at last1 when we had given up all hope1 we saw coming up the gravel pathway---- ,illustration499 ,after which the author proceeds3 ,fascinated by the blood that dripped from the edges of the eight umbrellas1 we stood silent2 then1 throwing off our coats1 we---- ,illustration499 ,so that was how ,i won the sweetest little bride ,i ever wedded4 ,but if ,i live to wed a hundred1 ,i shall never forget that terrible night in ,grewsome ,grange4 ,,the ,,end4 99 ,transcriber's note3 ,so in original4 ,these are not placeholders for actual illustrations in the book4 ,my friend the artist once collaborated with me in an experiment of this sort1 but we did not pursue it1 discovering how feeble an advance ours would be after all2 for there were points at which both of us felt we ought to give way to the tone-poet4 ,when the emotions became too intangible for intellectual expression ,i asked my friend the musician to insert paragraphs in a minor key4 ,the love-scenes ,i was particularly anxious to have written in musical phrases4 ,but he shrank from so unconventional a form1 not being sure he was a genius4 ,i was also disheartened by the disappointing behaviour of the diverse scents with which ,i had expressed myself on certain blank pages4 ,they would not remain in their places4 ,,ii ,,tuning ,,up ,they were tuning up in a wooden hall1 stupidly built on the pier to shut off the sea and the night 7a penny to pay for the privation71 and in that strange cacophony of desolate violin strings1 tuneless trombones1 and doleful double basses1 in that homeless wail of forlorn brass and lost catgut1 ,i found a music sweeter than a ,beethoven symphony2 for memory's tricksy finger touched of a sudden the source of tears1 and flashed before the inner eye a rainbow-lit panorama of the early joys of the theatre--the joys that are no more4 ,was it even at a theatre--was it even more than an interlude in a diorama8--that divine singing of ,the ,last ,rose of ,summer by a lady in evening dress1 whose bust is1 perhaps for me alone in all the world1 still youthful8 ,was it from this hall of the siren1 or was it from some later enchantment1 that ,i1 an infant ,ulysses1 struggled home by night along a sea road1 athwart a gale that well-nigh blew me out to sea8 ,how fierce that salt wind blew1 a-yearn to drive me to the shore's edge and whirl me over6 ,how fresh and tameless it beats against me yet1 blowing the cobwebs from my brain as that real breeze outside the pier could never do6 ,when my monitory friends gabble of change of air ,i inhale that wind and am strong4 ,for the child is of the elements1 elemental1 and the man of the complexities1 complex4 ,and so that good salt wind blows across my childhood still1 though it cannot sweep away the mist that hovers thereover4 ,for who shall say whether 't was ,i or my sister who was borne shrieking with fear from the theatre when the black man1 ,othello1 appeared on the boards6 ,the first clear memory of things dramatic is of an amateur performance--alas6 ,i have seen few others4 ',t was a farce--when was an amateur performance other8 ,there was much play of snuff-boxes passed punctiliously 'twixt irascible old gentlemen with coloured handkerchiefs4 ,also there was dinner beforehand--my first experience of chicken and champagne4 ,and then there is a great break till the real theatre rises stately and splendid1 like ,britannia ruling the waves--nay1 ,britannia herself1 or1 as they call it lovingly down ,shoreditch way1 the ,brit4 ,when to my fashionable friends ,i have held forth on the glories and the humours of the ,brit41 they have taken it for granted1 and ,i have lacked the courage or the energy to undeceive them1 that my visits to this temple of the people were expeditions of ,haroun ,al ,raschid in the back streets of ,bagdad or adventures of ,prince ,florizel in ,rupert ,street2 but of a truth ,i have climbed the gallery stairs in sober boyish earnestness1 elbowed of the gods1 and elbowing1 and if ,i did not yield to the seductions of ginger-beer and ,banbury that filled up clamantly the entr'actes1 't was that ,i had not the coppers4 ,guy ,fawkes was my first piece1 in the days when the drama's fireworks were not epigrams1 and so the smell of the sulphur still purifies the air4 ,all the long series of ,london successes1 with their array of genius and furniture1 have faded like insubstantial pageants1 but the rude vault piled with flour-barrels for the desperado's torch is fixed as by chemic process4 ,consider the preparation of the brain for that memory4 ,what6 ,i should actually go to a play--that far-off wonder6 ,the ,miller and his ,men cut in cardboard should no longer stave off my longing for the living passion of the theatre4 ',t was a very elongated young man who took me1 a young cigar-maker fond of reciting1 spouting ,shakespeare from a sixpenny edition1 playing ,hamlet mentally as he rolled the tobacco-leaf4 ,there was a halo about his head1 for he was on speaking terms with the low comedian of the ,brit41 and1 ,i understood1 was permitted upon occasion to pay for a pint of half-and-half4 ,alas6 all this did not avail to save him from an early tomb4 ,poor worshipper of the green room1 perchance thy ghost still walks there4 ,or is there room in some other world for thy baffled aspirations8 ,in such clouds of glory did the drama first come to me1 sulphurously splendid4 ,in the ,brit4 ,i made my first acquaintance with the limelit humanity that1 magnificent in its crimes and in its virtues1 sins or suffers in false eyebrows or white muslin to the sound of soft music4 ,here ,i met that strange creation1 the villain--a being as mythic1 meseems1 as the centaur1 and1 like it1 more beast than man4 ,the ,brit4 was a hot place for villains1 the gallery accepting none but the highest principles of speech and conduct1 and ginger-beer were not too weighty a form of expressing detestation of the more comprehensive breaches of the decalogue4 ,hisses the villain never escaped1 and ,i was puzzled to know how the poor actor could discriminate betwixt the hiss ethical and the hiss aesthetic4 ,but perhaps no player ever received the latter2 the house was very loyal to its favourites1 all of whom had their well-defined rles in every play1 which spared the playwrights the task of indicating character4 ,before the heroine had come on we knew that she was young and virtuous--had she not been so for the last five and twenty years8--the comic man had not to open his mouth for us to begin to laugh2 a latent sibilance foreran the villain4 ,least mutable of all1 the hero swaggered on1 virtuous without mawkishness1 pugnacious without brutality4 ,how sublime a destiny1 to stand for morals and muscle to the generations of ,hoxton1 to incarnate the copy-book crossed with the ,sporting ,times6 ,were they bearable in private life1 these monsters of virtue8 ,j4 ,b4 ,howe was long this paragon of men--affectionately curtailed to ,jabey4 ,once1 when the villain was about to club him1 ,look out1 ,jabey6 cried an agonised female voice4 ,it followed from the happy understanding on both sides of the curtain that--give ear1 ,o envious lessees6--no play ever failed4 ,how could it8 ,it was always the same play4 ,of like kidney was the ,grecian ,theatre1 where one went out between the acts to dance1 or to see the dancing1 upon a great illuminated platform4 ',t was the drama brought back to its primitive origins in the ,bacchic dances--the ,grecian ,theatre1 in good sooth6 ,how they footed it under the stars1 those regiments of romping couples1 giggling1 flirting1 munching6 ,alas6 ,fuit ,troja6 ,the ,grecian is saved4 ,its dancing days are over1 it is become the ,headquarters of ,salvation4 ,but it is still gay with music1 virtue triumphs on1 and vice grovels at the penitent form4 ,in such quaint wise hath the ,eagle renewed its youth1 for the ,grecian began life as the ,eagle1 and was ,satan's deadliest lure to the 'prentices of ,clerkenwell and their lasses3 ,up and down the ,city ,road1 ,in and out the ,eagle2 ,that's the way the money goes6 ,pop goes the weasel4 ,concerning which immortal lines one of your grammatical pedants has observed1 ,there ain't no rhyme to ,city ,road1 there ain't no rhyme to ,eagle4 ,great pantomimes have ,i seen at the ,grecian--a happy gallery boy at three pence--pantomimes compact of fun and fantasy1 far surpassing1 even to the man's eye1 the gilded dullnesses of ,drury ,lane4 ,the pantomimes of the ,pavilion1 too1 were frolicsome and wondrous1 marred only by the fact that ,i knew one of the fairies in real life1 a good-natured girl who sewed carpet-slippers for a living4 ,the ,pavilion1 by the way1 is in the ,whitechapel ,road1 not a mile from the ,people's ,palace1 in the region where1 according to the late ,mr4 ,walter ,besant1 nobody ever laughs4 ,the ,pavilion1 like the ,brit41 had its stock company1 and when the leading lady appeared for her ,benefit as ,portia1 she was not the less applauded for being drunk4 ,the quality of mercy is not strained4 ,and what more natural than that one should celebrate one's benefit by getting drunk8 ,sufficient that ,shylock was sober6 ,in ,music-,halls1 the ,east-,end was as rich as the ,west1--was it not the same talent that appeared at both1 like ,sir ,boyle ,roche's bird1 winging its way from one to t' other in cabs8 ,those were the days of the great ,macdermott1 who gave ,jingoism to ,english history1 of the great ,vance1 of the lion comiques1 in impeccable shirt-fronts and crush hats4 ,there was still a chairman with a hammer1 who accepted champagne from favoured mortals1 stout gentlemen with gold chains1 who might even aspire to conversation with the comiques themselves4 ,sic itur ad astra4 ,now there is only a chairman of directors who may1 perhaps1 scorn to be seen in a music-hall3 a grave and potent seignior whose relations with the footlights may be purely financial4 ,there were still improvisatori who would turn you topical verses on any subject1 and who1 on the very evening of ,derby-day1 could rhyme the winner when unexpectedly asked by the audience to do so4 ,a verse of ,fred ,coyne's--let me recall the name from the early oblivion which gathers over the graves of those who live amid the shouts of worshippers--still lingers in my memory1 bearing in itself its own chronology3 ,and though we could wish1 some beneficent fairy ,had preserved the life of the ,prince so dear1 ,yet we ,,won',t lay the blame on ,lieutenant ,carey2 ,and these are the latest events of the year4 ,with what an answering pandemonium we refused to hold the lieutenant accountable for the death of the victim of the ,african assegais6 ,and the ladies6 ,how ravishingly they flashed upon the boards1 in frocks that1 like ,charles ,lamb at the ,india ,office1 made up for beginning late by finishing early6 ,how ,i used to agree with the bewitching creature who sang that lovely lyric strangely omitted from the ,anthologies3 ,what a nice place to be in6 ,what a nice place1 ,i 'm sure6 ,such a very jolly place1 ,i've never seen before4 ,it gives me1 oh6 such pleasure1 ,and it fills my heart with bliss1 ,i could stay here for ever3 ,what a nice place is this6 ,such eyes she made at me--at whom else8--aloft in the balcony2 and oh1 what arch smiles1 what a play of white teeth6 ,if we could only have met6 ,yester-year at a provincial town some one offered to introduce her to me4 ,she was still playing principal boy in the pantomime--a gay1 gallant ,prince1 in plumed cap and tights4 ,but ,i declined4 ,another of the great comic singers of my childhood--a man--,i met on a ,margate steamboat4 ,he told me of the lost glories of the ancient days quorum pars magna fuit1 and of the after-histories of his great rivals4 ,one1 ,i recollect1 had retired with a fortune1 opened a magnificent ,temperance ,hotel at the seaside1 and then broken his neck by falling down his own splendid staircase1 drunk4 ,ah1 said the veteran1 sighing at an overcrowded profession1 there were only two or three comic singers in those days4 ,there are only two or three now1 quoth ,i4 ,and the old man beamed4 ,another ancient hero of the halls1 long since translated to the theatres1 whom ,i first saw at a music-hall in ,st4 ,giles'1 buttonholed me the other night in ,st4 ,james'1 in the halls of a ,duchess3 a curious meeting4 ,that ,i should have ever reverenced him seemed as strange as that there should be still people to reverence the coronet of the ,duchess4 ,yes1 it is very far off1 that magic time when the world was full of splendid things and splendid men and women1 a great ,fair1 and ,i1 like the child in ,henley's poem1 wandered about1 enjoying1 desiring1 possessing4 ,now ,i know there is nothing worth wanting1 and nothing but poor flesh and blood1 despite all the costumes and accessories4 ,for there is no sense in which ,i have not been behind the scenes4 ,and as for the literal theatric sense1 ,i have flirted with the goddesses at the wings till they have missed their cues1 ,i have supped at the ,garrick ,club of a ,saturday night1 when all the stars come out1 ,i have toured with a travelling company1 ,i have had words of my own spoken by dainty lips1--nay1 ,i have even played myself1 en amateur1 the irascible old gentleman with the snuff-box and the coloured handkerchief4 ,and what is there to say of the human spectacle1 but that perhaps the pains and the crimes are necessary to the show1 and that without a blood-and-thunder plot human life would not run1 drying up of its own dullness8 ,all the world's a stage1 and we are all cast for stock rles4 ,some of us have the luck to be heroes1 the complacent centre of eternal plaudits1 some are born for villainy and the brickbat4 ,and while others have had to play goodness knows what--mediaeval ,italian princesses1 ,cockney cabmen1 old ,greek hetairae1 ,german cuirassiers1 ,american presidents1 burglars1 ,south ,sea ,islanders--,i find myself--for the first time on any stage--in the applauded rle of man of letters1 if with little option of throwing up the part4 ,they have an optimistic phrase1 those happy-go-lucky creatures of the footlights1 when1 on the very day of production1 nobody knows his words or his business1 the scene will not shape itself1 and chaos is lord4 ,it will be all right at night1 they say4 ,and we1 who play our parts gropingly on this confused and noisy scene1 wondering what is the plot1 and where is the manager1 and straining our ears for the prompter's whisper1 can but echo with another significance their cheery hope3 ,it will be all right at night4 ,perhaps1 when the long day's work has drawn to its end1 and the curtain1 has fallen upon the plaudits and the hisses1 we shall all sit down to supper after the play1 complimented by the ,author1 smiling at the seriousness with which we took our rles of hero or villain1 and glad to be done with1 the make-up and the paint4 ,and in the music that shall hover about our table1 we may perhaps find a celestial restfulness1 compared to which the most exquisite orchestras of this earth shall sound but as tuning up4 ,,iii ,,art ,,in ,,england ,my friend the ,apostle was in hot haste1 and would not stay to be contradicted4 ,not going to-night6 he cried1 in horror-struck accents4 ,why1 to-night is the turning-point in the history of the ,british drama6 ,to-night is the test-battle of the old and the new2 it is the shock of schools1 the clash of nature against convention4 ,this play will decide the fate of our drama for the rest of the century4 ,here you have a play by a leader of the old school produced at a leading theatre4 ,if it succeeds1 the old drama may linger on for a year or two more2 but if it fails1 it will be the death-blow of the old gang4 ,they may pack up6 ,the ,apostle was at the other end of the street ere ,i had taken in the full import of these brave words4 ,what6 there was a crisis in the drama1 and ,i1 living in the heart of art1 had heard nothing about it6 ,fortunately it was not too late4 ,i could still make amends for my ignorance4 ,it was still open to me to assist at this historic contest1 for the arena was to be the ,haymarket1 where ,i am a persona gratis4 ,visions of the great first night of ,hernani thronged tumultuously before me2 my blood pulsed with something of its ancient youthful ardour as ,i girded my loins with black trousers for the fray1 and adjusted my white tie with faltering fingers4 ,i had half a mind to don a gilet rouge1 but the reflection that my wardrobe did not boast of coloured waistcoats gave the victory to the other half4 ,i dashed up to the theatre4 ,all was placid4 ,the stalls were packed with a brilliant audience in correct and unemotional costume4 ,there were classic faces1 and romantic faces1 and faces that were realistic1 but each and all blank of the consciousness of a crisis4 ,the talk was of everything save art and literature4 ,the critics did not even sharpen their pencils4 ,they looked bored to a man4 ,in vain my eye roved the arm-chairs in search of a fighting figure4 ,i could not even see the musical iconoclast who had carried his pepper-and-salt suit into the holy of holies of the ,italian opera4 ,my heart sank within me4 ,when the orchestra ceased ,i gave one last despairing glance all round the theatre in search of my friend the ,apostle4 ,he was not there6 ,the play was ,the ,charlatan1--the work of that other apostle1 whose outspoken ,epistles to the ,english chronically relieve the dull decorum of ,london journalism2 the man of whom ,tennyson came near writing-- ,buchanan to right of him1 ,buchanan to left of him1 ,buchanan in front of him1 ,volleyed and thundered4 ,but that night it was the audience that volleyed and thundered1 in unanimous applause4 ,hisses or party-cries were not4 ,during the intense episodes1 when the house was wrapt in silence1 and you could have heard a programme drop1 no opposition partisan as much as laughed4 ,the author was called at curtain-fall1 and retired uninjured4 ,next morning the critics were scrupulously suave1 with no sign of the battle they had been through4 ,most wonderful to relate1 ,mr4 ,william ,archer1 the risen hope of the stern and unbending ,radicals1 launched into unwonted praise1 and gave an airing to some of the eulogistic adjectives that had been mouldering in his dictionary2 nor did he even appear to be aware that he had gone over to the enemy6 ,for one thing1 ,bard ,buchanan had given us neither old school nor new1 but a blend of both--nay1 a blend of all forms of both--a structure at once modern and mediaeval1 with a ,norwegian wing4 ,it combined the common-sense of ,england with the glamour of the ,east1 the physiology of the hypnotist with the psychology of ,ibsen4 ,more6 ,it was an epitome of all the ,haymarket plays1 a rsum of all ,mr4 ,tree's successes4 ,the heroine was a mixture of ,ophelia and hysteria1 the hero was a combination of ,captain ,swift1 ,hamlet1 and the ,tempter2 the paradoxical pessimist was a reminder of ,mr4 ,wilde's comedies1 the bishop and scientist were in the manner of ,mr4 ,jones4 ,how clever6 ,social satire la ,savoy1 sance la salle ,egyptienne1 sleep-walking la ,bellini1 moonlight poetry la ,christabel1 a touch of spice la ,franaise1 and copious confession la ,norvgienne1 all baked into one pie4 ,how characteristic6 ,and characteristic1 mark you1 not only of ,mr4 ,buchanan's chaotic cleverness1 but of ,mr4 ,tree's experimental eclecticism4 ,did ,i say an epitome of the ,haymarket plays8 ,this is but another way of saying an abstract and brief chronicle of the time1 to whose age and body ,mr4 ,tree so shrewdly holds up the mirror4 ,for this dying century of ours is all things to all men4 ,we are living in the most picturesque confusion of the old and new known to history--in a cross-road of chronology where all the ages meet4 ',t is a confusion of tongues outbabbling ,babel1 a simultaneous chattering of the centuries4 ,and1 more troubled than the ,tower-builders1 we understand1 one another better than we understand ourselves2 again1 like ,the ,charlatan1 half odic force1 half fraud1 who is never so honest as when he confesses himself charlatan4 ,but this is not what ,i set out to say4 ,there was a moral to the tale of my friend the absentee ,apostle who was so cocksure about the crisis4 ,this moral is that he has ,continental blood in his veins4 ,to these foreign corpuscles he owes the floridness of his outlook1 his conception of the excited ,englishman4 ,the ,englishman takes his authors placidly2 he is never in a ferment or a frenzy about anything save politics1 religion1 or sport3 these are the poles and the axis of his life's pivot2 he is not an artistic person4 ,art has never yet taken the centre of the stage in his consciousness2 it has never even been accepted as a serious factor of life4 ,all the pother about plays1 poems and pictures is made by small circles4 ,our art has never been national art3 ,i cannot imagine our making the fuss about a great writer that is made about a second-rate journalist in ,paris4 ,it is ,grace the cricketer for whom the hundred thousand subscribe their shilling3 fancy a writer thus rewarded1 even after scoring his century of popular novels4 ,the winning of the ,derby gives a new fillip to the monarchy itself4 ,a ,victor ,hugo in ,london is a thought faire rire4 ,a ,goethe at the court of ,victoria1 or directing ,drury ,lane ,theatre1 is of a comic-opera incongruity4 ,our neighbours across the border have a national celebration of ,burns' birthday--they think as much of him as of the ,battle of ,bannockburn4 ,we ,english1 who have produced the man whom the whole world acknowledges its greatest poet1 have not even a ,shakespeare ,day4 ,surely ,shakespeare ,sunday would do as much good to the nation as ,hospital ,saturday or ,shrove ,tuesday6 ,charles ,lamb wanted to say grace before reading ,shakespeare1 but the ,puritans who make ,england so great and so dull are only thankful for stomachic mercies4 ,i cannot easily conceive our working ourselves up to such enthusiasm as the ,hungarians lately displayed over the jubilee of ,joka1 an enthusiasm that resounded even unto this country1 and shook the lacunar aureum of the ,holborn ,restaurant with shouts of ,eljen4 ,the peculiarity of the ,hungarian temperament does not1 however1 entirely explain their joy in ,joka4 ,he is so much more than a mere novelist1 poet and dramatist1 with three or four hundred volumes 7one need not be particular to a hundred with this modern ,lope de ,vega7 to his credit4 ,he is also a soldier and a politician1 skilful with the sword as well as the pen1 and with the tongue as well as the sword4 ,he has drawn blood with each and all of these weapons1 and though nowadays he often votes in the ,house without inquiring what he is voting for till he has recorded his vote1 this does not diminish his claims to practical wisdom4 ,he married the leading actress of ,hungary1 who1 without waiting for an introduction1 rushed forward from the audience to present him with a bunch of flowers when a play of his made a hit4 ,fancy ,ellen ,terry rushing forward to present ,pinero with a bunch of flowers at the conclusion of ,the ,second ,mrs4 ,tanqueray6 ,no1 the thing is as impossible in ,england as the combination of rles in ,joka himself4 ,the idea of letting a man be at once man of letters and man of action6 ,why1 we scarcely allow that a man of letters may occupy more than one pigeonhole6 ,if he is a poet1 we will not admit he can write prose--forgetting that is just what most poets do4 ,if he is a novelist1 he cannot write plays1--the truth being1 of course1 that it is the playwrights who cannot write plays4 ,if he is a humourist he can never be taken seriously1 and if he is accepted seriously he must be careful to conceal his sense of the humour of the position4 ,not only so1 but we insist on the sub-sub-specialisation which ,adam ,smith showed to be so profitable in the making of pins1 and which1 passing from the factory to the laboratory1 now threatens to pass from science into literature4 ,having analysed away the infinitely great1 we are now devoting ourselves to the apotheosis of the infinitely little4 ,a priori1 one would think action the salvation of the literary man1 the corrective of the fallacies of the den1 the provider of that experience which is the raw material of literature1 and prevents it from being spun out of the emptiness of one's own entrails4 ,but the practical ,briton knows better4 ,he has never forgiven ,john ,morley for going into politics 7though ,i doubt not honest ,john would now find much to revise in his essay on ,compromise72 and he finds ,socialism ever so much more ,utopian since ,william ,morris went into it4 ,can you imagine a true-born ,briton following the flag of ,swinburne1 or throwing up a barricade with ,george ,meredith8 ,to the last ,beaconsfield was suspected of persiflage because he wrote novels and was witty4 ,america makes her authors ministers and envoys1 but ,england insists that brains are a disqualification for practical life4 ,authors are so unpractical3 we don't want them to act--we only want them to teach us how to act4 ,a chemist or an astronomer must needs isolate himself from the world to supply the pure theory on which the practical arts are founded1 and so the littrateur1 too1 is expected to live out of the world in order to teach it how to live4 ,but the analogy is false4 ,you can work out your mathematical calculations by the week1 and hand over the results to the navigator4 ,but the navigation of the stream of time is another matter4 ,there is no abstract theory of life that can be studied without living oneself4 ,life is always concrete2 it is built up of emotions1 and you cannot have the emotions brought into your study1 as you can order in your hydrochloric acid or your frog's leg4 ,as well expect anchorites to set the tune for men in the thick of the fight6 ,they will chant ,masses when they should be shouting ,marseillaises4 ,in despair our men of letters leave the country1 and become politicians in little savage islands2 or they leave the town and become invisible behind their haloes2 or they take to golf in small ,scotch cities1 and pretend that this satisfies their thirst for activity4 ,sometimes they turn market-gardeners and fob off the interviewer with remarks about caterpillars4 ,browning was reduced to dining out4 ,it may be contended that the writer must sequester himself to cultivate the ,beautiful4 ,but the ,beautiful that has not its roots in the ,true is not the ,good4 ,or it maybe urged that active life would limit the writer's output4 ,exactly3 that is one of the reasons that make active life so advisable4 ,every writer would write less and feel more4 ,the crop of literature should only be grown in alternate years4 ,as it is1 a writer is a barrel-organ who comes to the end of his tunes1 clicks1 and starts afresh1 just as a scholar is a revolving bookcase4 ,consider1 too1 how a holiday of action would disenthral the writer from the pettiness of cliques and coteries1 with their pedantic atmosphere and false perspectives4 ,i would have every ,university don work in the docks six months a year 7six months' idleness is surely quite enough for any man72 every platonic essayist should attend a course of music-halls2 and if ,i could afford it ,i would set up all the superfine critics in nice little grocers' shops1 with the cosiest of back parlours4 ,why1 bless my soul6 it is your man of culture1 your author1 your leader of thought1 who is parochial1 suburban1 born1 and the rest of it6 ,it is a commonplace that the ,londoner is the most provincial of all ,englishmen1 living in sublime ignorance of what is thought and done in the rest of the kingdom2 and in similar wise1 when a man sneers at the bourgeoisie1 ,i never think of looking up his pedigree in ,debrett4 ,it is1 no doubt1 extremely exasperating that the world was not created for the convenience and to the taste of artistic persons1 but unfortunately the thing had to be turned out before their advice could be obtained4 ,that young ,england--bless its stupid healthy soul--is more interested in life and football than in literature and art1 was amply proved by the lethargy about the ,laureateship4 ,on the ,continent the claims of the rivals would have set the students brawling and the journalists duelling2 here it barely caused a ripple in the five o'clock teacup4 ,my friend the ,apostle was not wholly wrong2 there is a development of native drama ahead of us2 only it will come about peaceably1--we shall not hear the noise of the captains and the shouting4 ,and the old conventions have a long run yet before them4 ,they cling even to the skirts of ,the ,second ,mrs4 ,tanqueray4 ,indeed1 the new school can scarcely be said to have appeared4 ,the literary quality of our plays has improved1 thanks to ,jones and ,pinero1 and not forgetting ,grundy4 ,and that is all4 ,the old school is as vigorous as ever4 ,in the person of ,charley's ,aunt it is alive and kicking up its petticoats1 and the audience rolls in helpless laughter at ,mr4 ,penley's slightest movement4 ,talk of literature1 indeed6 ,why1 the fortunate comedian assured me that if he chose he could spin out ,charley's ,aunt from a two-hours' play to a four-hours' play1 merely by eking out his own business4 ,think of this1 aspiring ,sheridans1 ye who polish the dialogue with midnight oil2 realise the true inwardness of the drama1 and go burn me your epigrams6 ,in literature1 where the clash of new and old is more audible1 it is still the same story4 ,on the conservative side1 the real fighting is done by ,messrs4 ,smith1 who refuse to sell the too daring publication4 ,the radicals are crippled by the timidity of editors1 and cajoled by the fatness of their purses4 ,a gifted young story-teller has been lecturing on the ,revolt of the ,authors4 ,but it seems to me our literature has already as wide a charter as is desirable4 ,the two bulwarks of the ,british library are ,shakespeare and the ,bible1 and both treat human life comprehensively1 not with the onesidedness of self-styled ,realism4 ,i would advise my young literary friends to emblazon on their banner ,shakespeare and the ,bible4 ,real ,realism is what ,english literature needs4 ,the one undoubted development in recent ,english literature is the short story4 ,but this is less due to any advance in artistic aspiration than to the fact that there is a good serial market for short stories1 and the turnover is quicker for the trader than if he turned out long novels4 ,small stories1 quick returns6 ,in verity1 this much-vaunted efflorescence of the conte is due to the compte4 ,it is quite characteristic of our nation to arrive at a new art-form through this practical channel4 ,but if you want a proof of the half-heartedness of our literary battles1 turn to the ,fogey's article on ,the ,young ,men in a recent ,contemporary ,review4 ,what a chance for a much-needed onslaught on our minor prophets6 ,it might have been ,english bards and ,scotch reviewers over again4 ,but no6 the ,scotch reviewer's weapon is merely a rose-water squirt4 ,the only thing that perturbates him 7as ,mr4 ,francis ,thompson would say7 is my assertion that a ray of hopefulness is stealing again into ,english poetry4 ,since the days of ,jeffrey we have only had one really first-class fighting man 7,henley72 but even with him there is no real party fighting1 for he is catholic in his antipathies1 and those whom he chastises love him1 and swear that his is the least jaded ,pegasus of the day4 ,you see1 therefore1 how well-balanced we are in this happy isle1 set in a silver sea4 ,the ,fogeys are respectful to the young men1 and the young men actually admire the ,fogeys4 ,that the young men admire one another goes without saying4 ,here surely is the atmosphere of praise of ,mr4 ,pinero's hortation4 ,and while ,i do not believe that art is best nourished in this atmosphere of praise1 preferring to read instead an atmosphere of appraisal1 ,i believe that of this appraisal the more important element is praise4 ,criticism with the praise left out savours of the counsel for the prosecution rather than of the judge1--and indeed some critics assume that every author is guilty till he is proved good3 if he is popular the presumption of his guilt is almost irresistible4 ,a ,henley young man once explained to me that the function of the critic was to guard the gates of literature1 keeping at bay the bulk of print1 for it would surely not be literature4 ,this last is true enough2 yet the watch-dog attitude generates a delight to bark and bite1 and turns critic literally into cynic4 ,should not the true critic be an interpreter8 ,for bad work let him award the damnation of silence4 ,it is better to fight for the good than to rail at the ill4 ,it is a great privilege to praise4 ,it is a great joy to give an artist the joy of being understood4 ,not every artist arrives at the divine standpoint3 ,and ,god saw all that ,he made1 and behold it was very good4 ,the human creator is not always content with the rapture of creation4 ,he sits lonely amid his worlds4 ,neglect may be the nurse of strength1 but as often it is the handmaid of idleness4 ,the artist without an audience will smoke the enchanted cigarettes of ,balzac4 ,the rough labour of execution is largely the labour of conveying to others what the artist already feels and sees4 ,why should he toil thanklessly8 ,it is sweeter to dream4 ,even the money that art produces may be a valuable incentive4 ,not1 of course1 if the artist aims at the money2 but art wrought for love may bring in money1 like a woman married for love4 ,in so far as the lover has his eye on the dowry1 in so far his love is vitiated2 and in so far as the artist has his eye on the profits1 in so far is he untrue to a mistress who demands undivided allegiance4 ,natheless1 the auri sacra fames may be his salvation4 ,what subtle sympathy connects fama with fames8 ,the butcher's bill may drive him from the dreamland of luxurious meditation to the practical embodiment of his dreams4 ,only1 while he is at work1 the laws of art alone must be his masters2 he must not alter or abate a jot by way of concession to the great cash question4 ,when he has completed his work1 then indeed he may sell it in the best market4 ,but the least preliminary paltering with the spirit of commerce is a degradation4 ,does this seem an ideal demand8 ,let us remember1 then1 ideals are goads and goals1 counsels of perfection4 ,no one expects people to come quite up to them1 but it is better for human nature that they should be there4 ,for there is something in hero-worship1 despite ,carlyle's grandiosities1 provided you choose your hero wisely4 ,we do1 in this valley of doubt and confusion1 touched with false sparkles1 follow men who speak from their souls sincerely1 who work from their hearts4 ,instinctively we feel it degrading and disillusionising that inspiration shall be paid in hard cash1 and genius entered on the credit side of a ledger4 ,does a man plead that he has to support his wife and children8 ,well1 in the first place1 he need not have got them4 ,in the second1 one may be admirable as a man1 but as an artist abominable4 ,still it is better that a man should write ,adelphi dramas than that his starving family should qualify for scenes in them4 ,all honour to the artist who lives on bread and water in a garret rather than prostitute his art6 but less honour to the man who lives on my bread1 and adds somebody else's whisky to his water1 rather than earn an honest living by dishonest books and plays4 ,this was the question that split up the ,bohemians of ,murger4 ,while the majority did odd jobs for the ,philistines1 to have the time for real art1 the very poet consenting to write ,alexandrines for a dentist at fifteen sous a dozen--vastly cheaper than oysters--there was an inner band of the faithful who preferred starvation to the desecration of their genius for the unsaleable4 ,even so among the vegetarians there is a holier circle that eats only nuts and fruits4 ,the sensible artist will compromise4 ,there is in political economy a region called the margin of subsistence4 ,it is a sort of purgatory4 ,above it1 we enter the heaven of superfluities2 below it1 lies the dread ,hades of hunger4 ,it is here that the impecunious artist--with a family 7and1 alas6 the artist is nearly always impecunious--with a family7 should pitch his tent4 ,he may be allowed to prostitute himself1 if need be1 sufficiently to pay the ground-rent4 ,he must not be driven lower down by his devotion to the ,muses3 an artist who dies of starvation is simply a dead donkey4 ,rather than play a false note1 he stops his music for ever4 ,it is sublime--but silly4 ,he had better black boots4 ,there is no reason on earth why a shoeblack should not read ,schiller1 or moralise as he does in ,bret ,harte's parody of ,bulwer ,lytton4 ,a bachelor artist might do worse than get locked up for some simple offence1 and thus throw himself upon the nation4 ,remember what ,sir ,walter ,raleigh did in prison4 ,the poet can rise superior to the sordidness of skilly4 ,only he must be careful to preserve his seclusion4 ,leigh ,hunt made his cell the artistic centre of ,london1 but ,i doubt if he got through much work2 and more recently1 when ,joka was in gaol1 he was compelled to insist on two hours' privacy and confinement per day4 ,to be a first-class misdemeanant seems to me the height of happiness for a literary man4 ,unfortunately there are few honest opportunities for going to gaol4 ,the most honest way of all would be to write the truth about men and things2 but this editors will not print4 ,so one has to live at one's own expense4 ,nevertheless1 the ,hotel of the ,black ,maria remains an ideal4 ,,iv ,,bohemia ,,and ,,verlaine ,it is one of the pleasures of my life that ,i never saw ,tennyson4 ,hence ,i am still able to think of him as a poet1 for even his photograph is not disillusionising1 and he dressed for the part almost as well as ,beerbohm ,tree would have done4 ,why one's idea of a poet is a fine frenzied being1 ,i do not quite know4 ,one seems to pick it up in the very nursery1 and even the ,london gamin knows a poet when he doesn't see one4 ,probably it rests upon the ancient tradition of oracles and sibyls1 foaming at the mouth like champagne bottles4 ,inspiration meant originally demoniac possession1 and to modern thought prophecy and poetry are both epileptic4 ,genius is a degenerative psychosis of the epileptoid order4 ,a large experience of poets has convinced me as little of this as of the old view summed up in genus irritabile vatum4 ,poets seem to me the homeliest and most hardworking of mankind--'t is a man in possession1 not a daimon nor a disease4 ,of course they have their mad moods1 but they don't write in them4 ,writing demands serenity1 steadiness1 patience2 and of all kinds of writing1 poetry demands the steadiest pen4 ,complex metres and curious rhyme-schemes are not to be achieved without pain and patience4 ,prose is a path1 but poetry is a tight-rope1 and to walk on it demands the nicest dexterity4 ,you may scribble off prose in the fieriest frenzy--who so fiery and frenzied as your journalist with the printer's devil at his elbow8--but if you would aspire to ,parnassus1 you must go slow and steady4 ,fancy inditing a sonnet with the compositors waiting for copy6 ,pegasus were more truly figured as a drayhorse than a steed with wings2 he jogs along trot-trot1 and occasionally he stands at an obstinate pause4 ,the splendid and passionate lyrics of ,swinburne1 with their structural involutions and complicacies1 must have been a dem'd grind4 ,the ,english language does not easily lend itself to so much linked sweetness long drawn out4 ,even the manuscript of ,pope's easy meandering verse is disfigured by ceaseless corrections4 ,as he himself says3 ,true ease in writing comes from art1 not chance1 ,as those move easiest who have learn'd to dance4 ,probably these very lines run in the original manuscript somewhat as follows3 ,illustration3 ,handwriting sample ,shelley is the ideal of a poet1 a soul of white fire1 fed by bread and raisins2 yet ,shelley's last manuscripts are full of lacunae and erasures1 some of which have had to be reproduced perforce in the printed editions4 ,clothed with the 444 as with light1 ,and the shadows of the night1 ,like 444 next1 ,hypocrisy1 ,on a crocodile rode by4 ,it reads like a puzzle set by a ,competition ,editor4 ,here is another one1 which begins as beautifully as ,hedda ,gabler could desire1 and ends in blankness4 ,within the surface of the fleeting river ,the wrinkled image of the city lay1 ,immovably unquiet1 and for ever ,it trembles1 but it never fades away2 ,go to the ,you1 being changed1 will find it then as now4 ,the fact is1 of course1 that inspiration is no guarantee of perfection4 ,the limitations of inspiration vary with the limitations of the writer--a proposition that may be commended to the theologians4 ,genius can no more safeguard a man against his own ignorance than it can find a rhyme to silver4 ,inspiration could not save ,keats from his ,cockney rhymes nor ,mrs4 ,browning from her rhymeless rhymes4 ,i met a poet in a ,london suburb--it seemed odd to see one out of ,fleet ,street--but after a few bewildered instants ,i recognised him4 ,there was on his brow the burden of a brooding sorrow4 ,i sought delicately to probe the cause of his grief1 and he confessed at last that in a much-praised poem just published he had made a monosyllable dissyllabic4 ,he had never got over a youthful mispronunciation1 and in an unguarded moment of inspiration it had slipped in4 ,this prosaic view of poetry is distasteful to many1 who like to think that ,paradise ,lost came out in a jet4 ,but all these grandiose conceptions belong to the obscurantist view of human life1 which is popular with all who hate1 in ,matthew ,arnold's phrase1 to think clear and see straight4 ,people fancy that the dignity of human life demands that artists at least should be ,ouidaesque1 but the true dignity of the artist is to be sublimely simple rather than simply sublime4 ,the finest art--be it literature1 music1 or painting--is1 after all that inspiration can do has been done1 a matter of painful pegging away2 and the finest artists will be found quietly occupying themselves with their art without pose or fuss4 ,that side of the business is largely monopolised by the little men4 ,but even the big men sometimes fall victims to the popular conception1 as when a ,byron stagily takes the centre of the universe1 and looms lurid like the spirit of the ,brocken4 ,we do not need biographical scandal-mongers to tell us what the real ,lord ,byron was like4 ,he was like ,don ,juan1 his own poem2 shrewd1 cynical1 worldly1 with flashes of exquisite feeling4 ,the poem which is cut out of young ladies' editions of ,byron is the one that represents him most truly in his blend of sensualism and idealism1 whereas the ,brocken figure is but ,byron as he appeared to himself in his stormiest and gloomiest moments1 and even that phantasm artistically draped and limelit by a poet's imagination4 ,if people realised how much ,byron wrote in his pitiable span of thirty-six years1 how much hard labour went to make those cleverly-rhymed stanzas of ,childe ,harold or ,don ,juan1 despite ,swinburne's accusation of botchery1 they would see that he really had very little time to be wicked4 ,they would understand that art--even the most decadent--is based on strenuous labour4 ,young1 gay1 ,radiant1 adorned outside2 a hidden ground ,of thought and of austerity within4 ,even in poetically declaring himself a decadent1 the artist must take as many pains as fall to the prosiest bourgeois4 ,this is the paradox of the position4 ,just as the pyrrhonist in maintaining that there is no truth asserts one1 so the literary pessimist partly contradicts his contention of the futility of existence by his anxiety to express himself elegantly4 ,leopardi's ,italian and ,schopenhauer's ,german are far superior to those of the optimistic philosophers2 and one of the most polished poems of our day is poor ,thomson's ,city of ,dreadful ,night4 ,so1 too1 the poet who declares himself an idler and a vagabond gives the lie to his pretensions by the labour he takes to clothe them in unimpeachable verse4 ,the other morning ,i looked out of my study window after breakfast and discovered that the weather was heavenly4 ,i had lingered over the meal1 reading the beautiful political speeches1 from which ,i gathered there was a ,crisis at hand4 ,i knew that ,crisis4 ,i had heard about it ever since ,i learnt to hear4 ,nevertheless1 the newspapers were still devoting as much space to it as if it were brand-new1 and beguiling me to take interest in it4 ,i felt quite annoyed when ,i looked at the blue sky after breakfast and took deep breaths of ambrosial air1 and thought how ,i had wasted my time4 ,thrilled by the sunshine1 a cosmic rapture seized me1 and ,i wondered that men should fritter away their time in politics and other serious occupations4 ,the inspiration grew and grew1 and ,i felt that my lips had been touched by the sacred fire1 and that ,i had been called to preach a great moral lesson to mankind4 ,so ,i took up my pen and wrote3 ,bright the sun this lovely ,may-day2 ,youth and love should have their heyday2 ,every day should be a play-day4 ,yet mankind will work and worry1 ,over trifles fuss and flurry1 ,getting hot as ,indian curry4 ,orators1 in such a season1 ,how unreasonable is reason6 ',gainst the sunshine't is a treason4 ,what care ,i for ,gladstone's glories8 ,hang the ,radicals and ,tories6 ,give me hammocks1 pipes and stories6 ,what's the use of all this wrangling1 ,grammar and emotions mangling8 ,up the river let's go angling4 ,sweet are walks and swimming nice is1 ,bring me lemon-squash and ices1 ,bother that eternal ,crisis6 ,i was called away to lunch in the middle of the attack of inspiration4 ,inspiration is of course very useful1 but it has a way of suggesting words that won't rhyme1 and luring you off into all sorts of false tracks4 ,moreover1 it affords no help whatever in polishing4 ,after lunch ,i set to work with renewed zeal1 licking the lines into their present perfection4 ,at last they were finished1 and as ,i lit the gas to enable me to see to make a fair copy1 ,i realised that the beautiful blue day was gone4 ,yes1 the busy bee is a fraud by the side of the irresponsible artistic butterfly4 ,sims ,reeves tells an amusing anecdote of ,mario the singer4 ,being brought one ,thursday night by an eminent composer to sing at a big fashionable party1 he found so great a line of carriages in front of his own that it was past midnight ere he arrived at the door4 ,the thought that it was already ,friday1 and that he was about to sing in a new house1 whose hostess he did not even know1 had already dismayed the superstitious singer4 ,but when he saw the number on the door was #ac1 no power on earth and no amount of argument could induce him to enter4 ,ah1 yes1 said the hostess1 smiling pleasantly1 when the composer explained1 a very ingenious excuse1 for which ,mario ought to be grateful to you4 ,of course he was intoxicated1 and after a long argumentation you at last persuaded him to go home4 ,poe was doubtless occasionally drunk2 but think of the years of sober labour1 of stooping over desks1 that must have gone to make those wonderful tales6 ,which is the true ,poe1 the hard drinker or the hard worker8 ,that the artist must get drunk is1 indeed1 the belief of certain schools of young men even to-day2 but is it not based on the old eternal false-logic1 that because some artists have got drunk1 therefore to get drunk is to be artistic8 ,it was ,murger who invented the ,bohemian artist1 poor and gay and of an easy morality4 ,musette and ,mimi6 says ,sarcey4 ,the image of those ideal beings shone on every man who was twenty-one about #ahdh4 ',la ,vie de ,bohme' was youth's breviary--fifty years ago4 ,the great dramatic critic goes on to complain of the onslaught made upon him because he wrote against this idleness of disposition1 this heedlessness for the morrow1 this inclination to look for the day's tobacco and the quarter's rent from loans and debts rather than from honest work1 this witty contempt for current morality4 ,but this is scarcely the teaching of the ever delightful book1 which catches the spirit of youth and gaiety and irresponsibility wedded to artistic ardour as no other book has done before or since1 and for which one might put in the plea that ,charles ,lamb made for the dramatists of the ,restoration4 ,its world is only a pleasing fiction1 and the ordinary rules of morality do not carry over into it4 ,it is the ,east of ,suez of literature1 where there ain't no ,ten ,commandments1 and a man may raise a thirst4 ,the real ,bohemia1 as ,jules ,valdes showed in ,rfractaires1 is a world of misery and discontent4 ,still more sordid is the ,english ,bohemia expounded by ,mr4 ,gissing in ,new ,grub ,street4 ,mr4 ,robert ,buchanan indeed writes as if there had been a ,murgerian ,bohemia in ,england in his young days4 ,et ego fui in ,bohemi4 ,there were inky fellows and bouncing girls1 then2 now there are only fine ladies1 and respectable ,god-fearing men of letters4 ,really6 ,surely there are plenty of bouncing girls and inky fellows still1 just as there were respectable ,god-fearing men of letters and fine ladies even in the roaring forties4 ,i doubt if ,bohemia was ever so amusing as ,mr4 ,buchanan imagines now1 and ,i suspect the bouncing girls were gey ill to live with4 ,what is true in the immortal ,bohemian myth1 what appeals to the universal human instinct1 is the eternal contrast between the dreams and aspirations of youth and the sobrieties of success and middle age4 ,as ,jeffery ,prowse sang3 ,i dwelt in a city enchanted1 ,and lonely1 indeed1 was my lot2 ,two guineas a week1 all ,i wanted1 ,was certainly all that ,i got4 ,well1 somehow ,i found it was plenty1 ,perhaps you may find it the same1 ,if--if you are just five-and-twenty1 ,with industry1 hope1 and an aim2 ,though the latitude's rather uncertain1 ,and the longitude also is vague1 ,the persons ,i pity who know not the ,city1 ,the beautiful ,city of ,prague6 ,this ,bohemia will never disappear1 because every generation of youth reconstructs it afresh1 to migrate from it into the world of respectability above or the world of shame below4 ,qu'on est bien vingt ans6 will always be a cry to fill the breast of portly respectability with tender regret4 ,as ,thackeray put it in that delightful poem1 which is almost an improvement on ,branger3 ,with pensive eyes the little room ,i view1 ,where1 in my youth1 ,i weathered it so long2 ,with a wild mistress1 a staunch friend or two1 ,and a light heart still breaking into song2 ,making a mock of life and all its cares1 ,rich in the glory of my rising sun1 ,lightly ,i vaulted up four pair of stairs ,in the brave days when ,i was twenty-one4 ,what a pity that life is so stern and severe1 that for the light morality of ,bohemia somebody must pay1 some life be wrecked6 ,nature fills us with youth and romance1 but for her own purposes only4 ,she is the great matrimonial agent1 and heavy is the penalty she exacts from those who would escape her books1 and extract from life more poetry than it holds4 ,and so the beautiful roselight of ,bohemia veils many a tragedy1 many a treachery4 ,yet will the grisette be ever a gracious memory1 and literature will always embalm the ,mimi ,pinson of ,de ,musset4 ,she is dead now1 la grisette1 even in ,paris1 and hic jacet may be written over the bonnet she threw pardessus les moulins4 ,ah1 ,clemence6 ,when ,i saw thee last ,trip down the rue de ,seine1 ,and turning1 when thy form had pass'd1 ,i said1 ,we meet again1 ,i dreamed not in that idle glance ,thy latest image came1 ,and only left to ,memory's trance ,a shadow and a name4 ,that is how she affected even the ,puritan ,oliver ,wendell ,holmes4 ,yes1 there is something in the ,bohemian tradition that touches the sternest of us--not the roystering1 dissolute1 dishonourable1 shady ,bohemia that is always with us1 bounded by the greenroom1 the racecourse1 the gambling club1 and the ,bankruptcy ,court1 but the ,bohemia that is as unreal as ,shakespeare's desert country near the sea1 the land of light purses and light loves1 set against the spiritual blight that sometimes follows on pecuniary and connubial blessedness4 ,for1 after all1 morality is larger than a single virtue1 and ,charles ,surface is always more agreeable than ,joseph or ,tom ,jones than ,blifil1 even when ,joseph or ,blifil is as proper as he pretends4 ,and if ,tom or ,charles is a poet to boot1 what can we not forgive him8 ,the poet must have his experiences--be sure that nine tenths of them are purely of the imagination4 ,for the other tenth--well1 if ,burns had been strictly temperate1 the world had wanted many an idle song1 and we should not have celebrated his centenary so enthusiastically4 ,the poet expresses the joy and sorrow of the race whose silent emotions become vocal in him1 and it is necessary that he should have a full and varied life1 from which nihil humanum is alien4 ,mr4 ,barry ,pain once wrote a subtle story1 which only three persons understood1 to show that a great poet might be an elegant egotist1 of unruffled life and linen4 ,if so1 ,i should say that such a poet's genius would largely consist of hereditary experience2 he would1 in language that is not so unscientific as it sounds1 be a reincarnation of a soul that had sinned and suffered4 ,but as a rule the poet does his own sinning and suffering1 and catches for himself that haunting sense of the glory and futility of life which is the undertone of the modern poet's song1 and which finds such magical expression in ,heine's verses3 ,i have loved1 oh1 many a maiden kind1 ,and many a right good fellow1-- ,where are they all8 ,so pipes the wind1 ,so foams and wanders the billow4 ,but the poet's morals are maligned4 ,the fierce light which beats upon the throne of song reveals the nooks and crannies of the singers' lives1 which for the rest they themselves expose rather than conceal4 ,i should say that the average morality of the poet is much superior to the average morality of the man of the world who sins in well-bred silence4 ,the poet gloats over his sins--is musically remorseful or swingingly defiant2 he hints or exaggerates or invents4 ,that is where the poet's imagination comes in--to give to airy nothings a local habitation and a name4 ,the poet's imagination is often far more licentious than his life2 the poet's licence is rightly understood to be limited to his language4 ,to have written erotic verses is almost a certificate of respectability3 the energy that might have been expended in action has run to rhyme4 ,qui ose tout dire arrive tout faire1 say the ,french4 ,arrives at1 perhaps1 though even this is doubtful1 but certainly does not start from that platform4 ,much less questionable were it to say3 ,qui ose tout faire arrive ne rien dire4 ,the late ,m4 ,verlaine will be cited as a substantiation of the popular idea of the vagabond poet4 ,the ,verlaine legend has now been consecrated by his death2 and for all time1 ,i suppose1 ,verlaine will rank with ,villon as an impossible person4 ,he may have been all that is said1 all that is hinted1 even in ,mr4 ,george ,moore's famous description of him4 ,i once saw ,verlaine4 ,i shall not forget the bald prominent forehead 7une tte glabre71 the cavernous eyes1 the macabre expression of burnt-out lust smouldering upon his face4 ,but there is another side to him1 and it is perhaps because ,i do not go about the world with ,mr4 ,moore's macabresque eye1 which to-day happily sees things in a soberer colouring1 that ,i saw this other side of ,verlaine when1 like ,mr4 ,george ,moore1 ,i hunted him up on his native heath4 ,for one thing1 ,i was not prepared to see anything very lurid and diabolique3 life is really not so picturesque as all that4 ,i knew besides that he had been a schoolmaster in ,england2 and can you imagine anything more tedious and toilsome than to be the ,french master1 the poor1 despised1 frog-eating ,mounseer ,jacques of boys' stories1 the butt of all their facetious brutality8 ,if ever anything was calculated to make a man diabolique6 ,i trust biographers will not forget to place all this depressing drudgery to our vagabond's credit4 ,think of it6 ,the first poet of ,france correcting ,french exercises6 ,the poet of the passions conjugating the verb aimer in its hideous grammatical reality6 ,fumons philosophiquement1 ,promenons-nous ,paisiblement3 ,rien faire est doux4 ,so might ,verlaine write1 though contradicting himself by doing something in so doing2 but in the absurd actual he had to earn his bread and butter1 and man cannot live by poetry alone1 unless one sings the joys and sorrows of the middle classes4 ,it was rather late at night before1 having vainly hunted for him in his favourite restaurants1 ,i found the narrow1 poverty-stricken rue in which ,verlaine was living a year or so ago4 ,passing through a dark courtyard1 ,i had to mount interminable stone stairs1 lighting foul ,french matches as ,i went1 to relieve the blackness4 ,at last ,i arrived outside his door1 very near the sky4 ,i knocked4 ,a voice called out1 ,i've gone to bed4 ,i explained my lateness and said ,i would call to-morrow4 ,no1 no6 ,attendez6 ,i heard him jump out of bed1 stumble and grope about1 and then strike a match2 and in another instant the door opened1 and in the interstice appeared a homely nightcapped bourgeois pulling on his trousers4 ,there flashed on me incongruously the thought of our ,english laureate's stately home by the sea1 in which1 jealously guarded by hedges and flunkeys1 the poet chiselled his calm stanzas2 and all the vagabond in me leapt out to meet the unpretentious child of ,paris4 ,he greeted me with simple cordiality2 and1 ugly and coarse though his face was1 it was lit up throughout by a pleasant smile4 ,his notorious leg was bandaged1 but not repulsively4 ,no1 homely is the only impression ,i shall ever have of ,verlaine1 the man4 ,even in that much maligned macabresque head of his1 there was more of the bonhomme than of the poet or the satyr4 ,the little garret was his all in all2 a bed took up half the space4 ,on the table stood the remains of supper4 ,a few shelves of books1 a sketch or two1 and a bird-cage with a canary were the only attempts at ornament4 ,such was ,verlaine at the climax of his fame1 when he had won a sure immortality2 simple and childlike1 and with a child's unshamed acceptance of any money one might leave behind on the mantelpiece4 ,he seems to have made very little by his verses4 ,he spoke ,english quite well1 having probably acquired it when teaching ,french2 and he was perhaps more proud of it than of his poems4 ,mr4 ,moore says he wished to translate ,tennyson4 ,he read aloud a poem he had just written in celebration of his own fiftieth birthday4 ,there was an allusion to a crystal goblet4 ,ce verre-l6 he interpolated1 with a humorous smile1 pointing to a cheap glass with the dregs of absinthe that stood on the table4 ,there was also an allusion to a blue-bird1 a sort of symbol of the magic of spring1 ,i fancy1 that flutters through many of his poems4 7,the plumage bleut de l'orgueil figures in one of his very last verses47 ,when he arrived at this blue-bird he pointed to the cage with the same droll twinkle3 ,cet oiseau-ci4 ,when ,i left him he stood at the head of the gloomy stone stairs to light me down1 and the image of him in his red cotton nightcap is still vivid4 ,and now he is only an immortal name4 ,ah1 well6 after the ,english school-rooms1 the ,french prisons1 the ,parisian garrets and hospitals1 the tomb is not so bad4 ,rien faire est doux4 ,in giving him place with the immortals ,i feel no hesitation4 ,an ,english clergyman found immortality by writing one poem1--,the ,burial of ,sir ,john ,moore1--and1 however posterity may appraise ,verlaine's work as a whole1 he has left three or four lyrics which can die only if the ,french language dies1 or if mankind in its latter end undergoes a paralysis of the poetic sense such as ,darwin suffered from in his old age4 ,much of his verse--especially his later verse--is to me1 at least1 as obscure as ,mallarm4 ,but ,il pleut dans mon coeur ,comme il pleut dans la rue can never be surpassed for the fidelity with which it renders the endless drip1 drip of melancholia1 unless it is by that other magical lyric3 ,les sanglots longs ,des violons ,de l'automne ,blessent mon coeur ,d'une langueur ,monotone4 ,he is the poet of rhythm1 of the nuance1 of personal emotion4 ,french poetry has always leant to the frigid1 the academic1 the rhetorical--in a word1 to the prosaic4 ,the spirit of ,boileau has ruled it from his cold marble urn4 ,it has always lacked soul1 the haunting1 elusive magic of wistful words set to the music of their own rhythm1 the finer light in light1 that are of the essence of poetry4 ,this subtle and delicate echo of far-off celestial music1 together with some of the most spiritual poems that ,catholicism has ever inspired1 have been added to ,french literature by the gross-souled1 gross-bodied vagrant of the prisons and the hospitals6 ,which is a mystery to the ,philistine4 ,but did not our own artistic prisoner once sing3 ,surely there was a time ,i might have trod ,the sunlit heights1 and from life's dissonance ,struck one clear chord to reach the ears of ,god8 ,was ever more devout ,catholic than ,benvenuto ,cellini1 who murdered his enemies and counted his beads equal gusto8 ,v ,,the ,,indestructibles ,i wonder if you have ever been struck by the catholicity--not to say the self-contradictoriness--of the constant correspondent4 ,the creature will enter with zest into any discussion2 there is no topic too small for it1 and certainly none too great4 ,the following letters1 carefully culled from the annual contributions of a lady whose epistolary career ,i have followed with interest1 will indicate the delicious inconsequence that has made them for me such grateful reading3 #ahhh4 ,,sir1--,there is nothing in life worth purchasing by pulsations and respirations4 ,the world is a dank1 malarious marsh1 with fitful ,will-o'-the-,wisp flashes of false radiance--a vast cemetery waiting for our corpses4 ,there is no such thing as happiness4 ,nature1 red in tooth and claw ,with ravin1 shrieks against the idea4 ,youth is an illusion1 maturity a regret1 and old age an apprehension4 ,fortunately ,providence has sent us a panacea--,universal ,suicide4 ,i am1 ,sir1 ,yours obediently1 ,,agatha ,p4 ,,robins4 #ahhi4 ,,sir1--,surely ,a ,mad ,englishman and ,dorothy ,x41 who maintain so glibly that country life is more enjoyable than town life1 fail to realise how much of our pleasure depends on human intercourse4 ,it is given only to poets to talk with trees4 ,nor can ordinary mortals find ,sermons in stones1 ,books in the running brooks4 ,we need the cathedrals and the libraries that are to be found only in the great centres of national life--yes1 and also the art galleries and the theatres4 ,of course1 if people will martyr themselves to keep up appearances1 and want to live in a fashionable neighbourhood1 they will not find town life either cheap or pleasant4 ,but if they are content to live outside the aristocratic radius1 they can find many a comfortable villa1 with baths 7hot and cold71 and back gardens which may easily be converted into rustic retreats 7,i would especially recommend rhododendrons74 ,if you are also not above omnibuses 7taking a cab only when it rains1 and selecting a driver who does not look as if he would swear71 and are satisfied to go to the pit1 then ,i feel sure ,london is not only as cheap as the obscurest village1 but gives you a far greater return for your money4 ,newly-married couples in especial often make a great mistake in settling in the country for the sake of economy4 ,it is only in the town that they can really lead a tranquil1 happy life1 enriched with all the resources of culture and civilisation4 ,i am1 ,sir1 ,yours obediently1 ,,agatha ,p4 ,,robins4 #ahij4 ,,sir1--,the failure of marriage is too apparent to be glossed over any longer4 ,a4,y4,z4 and ,a ,woman of ,no ,importance deserve the thanks of every honest heart for their brave outspokenness4 ,too long has this mediaeval monstrosity cramped our lives4 ,the beautiful word ,home conceals a doll's house or whitewashes a sepulchre4 ,marriage is misery in two syllables4 ,how can people be happy chained together like galley-slaves8 ,it contradicts all we know of human nature4 ,love1 free as air1 at sight of human ties ,spreads his light wings and in a moment flies4 ,away with this effete ,pharisaism6 ,let us realise the infinite possibilities of happiness latent in the blessing of existence4 ,the world is longing for freedom to love truly1 nobly1 wisely1 many4 ,i am1 ,sir1 ,yours obediently1 ,,agatha ,p4 ,,robins4 #ahia4 ,,sir1--,i can testify by personal experience to the fact that the manners of our children are deteriorating4 ,coming up to the ,metropolis for a day's excursion last ,bank ,holiday1 ,i could not walk anywhere without overhearing ribald remarks--and1 what was worse1 at my own expense--even from respectably dressed children4 ,let those look to it who ,teach the young idea how to shoot4 ,i thank ,heaven my lot has always been cast in a sweet ,devonshire village1 where the contagion of ill-conduct has not yet spread among the juvenile population4 ,i am1 ,sir1 ,yours obediently1 ,,agatha ,p4 ,,robins4 #ahib4 ,,sir1--,have your flippant correspondents1 ,polygamist and ,illegal ,brother-in-,law1 any conception of the thousands 7ay1 tens of thousands7 of hearts that are1 languishing in misery because they cannot marry their deceased sisters' husbands8 ,and all because of a text which is not to be found in the ,bible6 ,fie upon you1 ye so-called ,bishops1 ,dressed in a little brief authority4 ,abolish this unrighteous law1 ,i say1 and let floods of sunshine and happiness into a million darkened homes4 ,i am1 ,sir1 ,yours obediently1 ,,agatha ,p4 ,,robins4 ,but1 after all1 is it fair to juxtaposit ,agatha's letters8 ,what if one were to collect the leaders of any newspaper on any given subject1 before or after any event8 ,i have met ,agatha ,p4 ,robins in many other places at many other times4 ,sometimes she is interested in the best substitute for shirt-buttons or for ,christianity1 sometimes in the problem of living on a thousand a year1 sometimes in the abolition of stag-hunting4 ,,signs ,,of ,,the ,,silly ,,season4 ,a gooseberry that groweth green and great1 ,a serpent round the sea serenely curled1 ,a lonely soul that fails to find a mate1 ,a boy redundant in a teeming world1 ,a sister yearning for dead sisters' shoes1 ,a life that longs for death1 or after-life1 ,a ghost1 a mistress whom her maids abuse1 ,an erring judge1 a ,french or ,german wife1 ,a child's long ear or holiday1 a slum1 ,a man gone bald1 or drunk1 a coin's design-- ,should things like these across your paper come1 ,conclude the ,silly ,season will be fine4 ,it is difficult to trace exactly when ,the ,season ends and ,the ,silly ,season begins4 ,it needs the finest discrimination to know when the adjective comes in--without a worldly training1 indeed1 you cannot tell the one from the other4 ,but the past masters of the social art proclaim that ,the ,season is dead1 and we bow our heads in reverence4 ,yes1 it is vanished1 that focus of futilities1 that wonderful ,season1 that phantasmagoria of absurdities1 of abortive ambitions1 over which a hundred humourists have made merry3 it is dead1 with its splendours and jubilations and processions--dead as the ropes of roses in ,st4 ,james's street4 ,often have ,i debated the potency of satire1 again and again have ,i suggested to learned friends a scientific and historical investigation of the popular belief that satire moves mountains or even molehills4 ,but they agree only in shrinking from the task4 ,to take only the last half-century3 we have had one supreme satirist who harped eternally on the failings of fashion and the vanity of things4 ,in his novels society saw itself reflected in all its attitudes and postures and posings4 ,not one meanness or folly escaped4 ,what ,professor ,huxley has done for the crayfish1 that ,thackeray did for the ,snob4 ,he studied him lovingly1 he dissected him1 he classified every variety of him4 ,a thousand disciples1 less gifted but equally remorseless1 followed in the ,master's footsteps4 ,punch took up the tale1 and week by week repeated the joke4 ,it was heard in drawing-room recitations to the accompaniment of pianos2 it even went on the stage4 ,ladies rushed into print to expose foibles men never guessed1 and to say of the sex at large what less gifted women say only of their personal friends4 ,for years we have never ceased for a moment to hear the lash of the whip1 the swish of the birch1 the whizz of the arrow1 the ping of the bullet1 the thwack of the flail1 the thud of the hammer1 the buzzing of the hornet4 ,and what does it all amount to8 ,how much execution has been done8 ,is society purer or nobler8 ,have less daughters been sold at ,vanity ,fair1 or more invitations been sent to poor relatives8 ,has ,jones got better manners or champagne8 ,is ,mrs4 ,ponsonby de ,tomkins more distant to duchesses8 ,did my ,lady ,clara ,vere de ,vere consider whether ,hood's seamstress was at work on her court gown8 ,is any one wiser or kinder or honester for all the literary pother8 ,are the diplomatic corps less maculate than in the days of ,grenville ,murray8 ,have we not1 on the contrary1 cast on our own imperfections the complaisance of an eye educated in the superior imperfections of our neighbours8 ,lo1 here is a new satirist arisen1 ,sarah ,jeannette ,duncan1 who1 in ,the ,simple ,adventures of a ,memsahib1 sketches ,anglo-,indian society in a manner that would not discredit ,thackeray--and with something1 too1 of ,thackeray's haunting sense of the pathos of the dead ,past and the flying ,present4 ,but will the memsahib of to-morrow take warning by the fate of ,helen ,peachey1 who went out to ,india in all her bridal bravery1 in all her youth and freshness8 ,will she escape exchanging the placidity of ,fra ,angelico's piping cherubim for the petulance and ring-shadowed eyes of the seasoned matron8 ,will she be on her guard against shrinking to the prejudices and flirtations of a coterie1 dying to all finer and higher issues8 ,will she worship virtue more and viceroys less8 ,alas1 ,i fear me not--no more than ,pagett1 ,m4 ,p41 will leave off talking solar myths1 or foolish things cease to be done under the deodars4 ,will ,hogarth keep wine-bibbers from the bottle1 or can you make men sober by acts of ,l',assommoir8 ,will ,madame ,bovary stay a sister's fall1 or ,sapho repel an eligible young man8 ,will ,the ,dunciad keep one dunce from scribbling1 or ,le ,tartufe elevate a single ecclesiastic8 ,as well expect long firms to run short1 and the moths to avoid the footlights1 and the fool to cease from the land4 ,how gay they were1 and how luxurious1 and how important in their little day6 ,how gorgeous were the attendants of their circumstances1 on the box with a crest upon their turbans6--there is a firm in ,calcutta that supplies beautiful crests4 ,and now1 let me think6 some of them in the ,circular ,road ,cemetery--cholera1 fever1 heat-apoplexy2 some of them under the ,christian daisies of ,england--probably abscess of the liver4 ,yes1 madam1 we know it all1 we recognize the ,thackeray touch4 ,and soon1 very soon1 our brief day1 too1 will have died in a red sunset behind clustering palms1 and all its little doings and graspings and pushings1 all its petty scandals and surmises and sensations1 will echo further and further back into the night4 ,true1 most true1 and pity 't is 't is true4 ,but meantime we will go on with our little doings and graspings and pushings--yes1 madam1 even you and ,i who have realised the vanity of all things2 for the knowledge thereof--this1 too1 is vanity4 ,and it was all a striving and a striving1 and an ending in nothing1 and no one knew what they had lived and worked for4 ,yea1 so it is1 ,frau ,schreiner4 ,and still we are living on--and oh6 how hard we work 7on ,african farms or otherwhere7 to express artistically our sense of the futility of life6 ,,vanitas ,,vanitatum4 ,a rich voluptuous languor of dim pain1 ,a dreamy sense of passionate regret1 ,delicious tears and some sweet1 sad refrain1 ,some throbbing1 vague1 and tender canzonet1 ,that mourns for life so real and so vain1 ,wherein we glory while our eyes are wet4 ,i am afraid1 if ,i pursue this investigation1 ,i shall end by believing that satire is simply an aesthetic satisfaction--the last luxury of the sinful4 ,ridicule1 we are always told1 is a tremendous destructive--an atmosphere in which nothing can live4 ,but is it8 ,christianity1 ,kings1 and ,war are little the worse for the jets of mockery that have been playing on them for two centuries4 ,in ,swift's day the wits at the coffee-houses regarded religion as a farce that even the ,augurs could not keep up any longer without public winking2 yet ,diderot and the ,encyclopaedia are dead1 and the bishops we have always with us6 ,it was thought ,war could not survive ,voltaire's remark that a monarch picks up a parcel of men who have nothing to do1 dresses them in blue cloth at two shillings a yard1 and marches away with them to glory--but here is our ,henley singing a song of the sword1 while all our novelists are looking to their weapons4 ,despite ,heine's sarcasm1 the collection of ,english kings is as incomplete as ever4 ,a passing fad can1 perhaps1 be made to pass along a little faster1 but it only makes room for another4 ,true1 ,punch killed the craze for sunflowers and long necks2 but then ,punch invented it4 ,it was merely made to be destroyed brilliantly1 like a ,chinese cracker or a ,roman candle4 ,folly is older than ,punch's jokes1 and will survive them4 ,snobbery and self-seeking1 pettiness and stupidity1 envy1 hate1 and all uncharitableness1 were no secret to the mummies in the ,british ,museum4 ,unto the place whither the rivers go1 thither they go again4 ,are there not a hundred sayings in ,ecclesiastes and ,menander1 in ,horace and ,molire1 as apt to-day as though fresh from the typewriter8 ,one of the learned friends to whom ,i proposed the thesis contended that ,perseus and ,juvenal at least are out of date4 ,but this was merely my learned friend's ignorance4 ,is it not the truest piety to conclude that those things which the ridicule of the ages cannot kill deserve their immortality--that ,kings1 ,war1 and ,christianity play a part in the scheme of creation1 and that even snobbery and jobbery1 folly and fraud1 rouge and respectability1 and horse-racing1 bounders and politicians1 the prize-ring and the marriage market1 are all necessary to the fun of ,vanity ,fair6 ,they are thrown up by the flux of things for ,honesty to set his heel on4 ,so houp-la6 ,on with the dance6 louder1 ye fiddlers6 faster1 ,o merry-go-round6 ,nay1 not so glum1 ye moralists and satirists1 philanthropists and preachers2 link hands all--ducdame1 ducdame6--and thank the gods for keeping you in occupation4 ,what should we do without our fools8 ,the question seems pat for a ,silly ,season correspondence4 ,come1 gather1 fools all4 ,ye could not be better employed than in answering it4 ,for1 mark1 brother-satirists mine1 you cannot kill the ,silly ,season correspondence4 ,and you cannot kill ,ghosts4 ,perhaps because they do not exist4 ,no other dead thing is so tenacious of life as your ghost4 ,if ridicule were really fatal1 we should have given up the ghost long since4 ,consider the fires of burlesque through which he has passed unscathed4 ,what indignity has been spared him8 ,now at last he is to encounter the supreme test--he is to be taken seriously4 ,the ,psychical ,society has the matter in hand--or should one say1 the spirit8 ,and ,mr4 ,stead1 who believes in himself in a way that is refreshing in these atheistic times1 proposes either to rehabilitate the ghost or to lay him for ever4 ,but this latter is beyond the might of man or society4 ,and you cannot kill ,grouse4 ,at least ,i can't4 ,i sometimes suspect there are others of the population equally incompetent1 and perhaps still less interested in battues2 though the ,twelfth figures in everybody's calendar like a ,church festival1 and the newspapers devote leaders to it1 and the comic papers have pictures1 and sometimes even jokes about it1 and you would think the whole population of these islands struck work and went a-shooting with gillies and dogs and appropriate costume4 ,but that is the craftiness of the editors1 from ,mr4 ,buckle and ,mr4 ,yates down to the editor of the ,halfpenny ,democrat--they make the humblest of us feel we are in the best sets1 so we all come up to town for the season1 and are seen at three parties a night1 and we ride in the ,park1 and we go to ,henley and ,goodwood to a man2 and we yacht at ,cowes1 and pot grouse in ,scotland--still with the same wonderful unanimity2 and we hunt with the hounds1 and run with the salmon1 and keep our ,christmas in country houses1 and come up smiling for the ,new ,year1 ready to recommence the same old ,sisyphean round4 ,i suppose the people who really do these things could be exhibited in the ,national ,gallery1 but the space their doings fill is incalculable4 ,and you cannot kill ,adelphi ,melodrama4 ,but ,i have a piece of advice to offer to the ,italian gentlemen who have done so much for our stage4 ,it is1 that they run their theatre on a principal of duality befitting their joint management4 ,let it be the home of ,melodrama and ,burlesque1 the same play serving for both genres4 ,let1 say1 ,mr4 ,sims--who is so clever in either species--write the pieces--each melodrama being its own burlesque4 ,an extra dash of colour here1 an ambiguous line there1 with a serious meaning in the melodrama and a droll in the burlesque1 will secure the brothers two audiences1 and after eight o'clock ,i guarantee standing room only4 ,the simple will come to weep and thrill1 the cynics to laugh and chuckle4 ,and everybody will be happy4 ,in sooth1 is not the world divided into those who take the great cosmic drama seriously1 and those who treat it as farce8 ,on the one hand the workers and the fighters1 on the other the journalists1 politicians1 and men about town4 ,yet have the workers and the fighters the nobler part4 ,a genuine emotion1 an earnest conviction1 vitalises life4 ,the day-dreams of hungry youth are better than the dinners of prosaic maturity1 and a simple maiden in her flower is worth a hundred epigrams4 ,i had rather be an ,adelphi god than a smoking-room satyr4 ,who shall blame the melodramatist8 ,he writes for those to whom literature makes no appeal4 ,literature is a freemasonry of the highest minds1 and that poetry is ,greek to the masses ,i should scarcely have thought a ,question at ,issue demanding substantiation from ,mr4 ,george ,gissing4 ,mr4 ,gosse must know that the eclipse which darkened ,england at the passing of ,alfred ,tennyson was invented by the newspapers and the poets who outraced one another to weep upon his tomb4 ,look upon ,mr4 ,booth's map of ,east ,london1 with its coloured lines showing the swarms of human beings who live ignobly and die obscurely1 and realise for yourself of what import the cult of beautiful form is to these human ant-heaps4 ,walk down the populous ,whitechapel ,road of a ,saturday night1 or traverse the long slimy alleys of ,rotherhithe among the timber wharves1 and discover how many of your countrymen and contemporaries are living neither in your country nor in your century4 ,to ,mr4 ,henry ,james1 the dull undertone of pain and sorrow is part of the music of ,london--such harmony is in aesthetic souls4 ,but the dull and the gross1 who only suffer and endure1 the muddy vesture of decay closes them in and they cannot hear it4 ,what shall literature do for these8 ,in a great smoky ,midland town1 on dreary pavements1 under sloppy skies1 ,i saw a girl who was a greater argument for melodrama than all the cheques of all the managers4 ,she was going to her work in the raw dawn1 her lunch in a package under her arm2 the back was bent and the face was pale and pinched1 but there was a slumbering fire of romance in the deep-fringed eyes1 and suggestions of poetry lurked in the shadows of her hair2 and at once my breast was full of stirrings to write for her--only for her--a book full of beauty and happiness and sunshine1 and1 oh6 such false views of life1 such inaccurate pictures of the pleasures of a society she would never know4 ,the hero should be handsome and brave and good1 with a curling moustache2 and the heroine should be beautiful and true1 with an extensive wardrobe2 and the clouds would come only to roll by1 and the story should die away in an odour of orange-blossom1 and in a music of marriage-bells4 ,and there should be lots of money for everybody1 and any amount of laughter and gaiety1 and ,i would give dances twice a volume1 and see that all the girls had partners1 delightful waltzers with good conversation4 ,and there would be garden-parties 7weather permitting invariably71 and picnics without green spiders1 and sails without sea-sickness4 ,and as for truth and realism--fie on them6 ,we can create a much nicer world than nature's4 ,why be plagiarists1 when we can make universes of our own8 ,,vi ,,concerning ,,general ,,elections ,twice in succession has it befallen me to be privately busy in a backwater when the main stream was spuming and ramping with the great bore of a general election4 ,i have been able to hear the swallows twitter at sunrise in serene unconsciousness of the crisis1 to watch the rooks homing at twilight1 as though the course of ,nature were still the same1 and to see the moonlight rippling over the sombre water at midnight in unaffected tranquillity4 ,myself was scarcely better informed of the tidal flood3 stray echoes of speech1 odd fragments of newspaper floated down to me1 and at intervals some visitant from the greater deep held1 like a sea-shell1 the rumour of its sounding waters4 ,and1 indeed1 where shall we find a better metaphor for party-government than this of the tide1 of the ebb and flow of political power--remorseless1 inevitable1 regardless of those who1 tossed high on the stream1 imagine they direct it8 ,and in this metaphor the ,people must play ,moon1 like the clown in ,a ,midsummer ,night's ,dream4 ,but1 as ,juliet says3 ,o swear not by the moon1 th' inconstant moon4 ,the cause of this inconstancy has not escaped even the philosophers4 ,the ,whig and the ,tory1 rival lovers of ,luna1--moonstruck ravers1--woo her with honeyed words and dulcet promises1 and she inclines her coquettish ear--most of the month she is all ear--to the highest bidder4 ,but when she comes to her full--and is all eye--then she perceives her swain faithless and empty-handed1 and straightway she plights her troth to his clamorous and expostulant fellow1 who dangles his untried promises before her disappointed vision4 ,and the days pass1 and she rises and sets2 but lo6 the bridal gifts linger still1 and the horn of plenty is an empty trumpet1 and1 forgetful of her first lover's failure1 she turns to him again4 ,and so for ever1 in a fickle quest of fidelity1 pathetic enough4 ,perhaps she--with the two strings to her bow--shares the just fate of coquettes1 happy with neither2 perhaps she were wiser to give herself to a single lover1 and be rid for ever of these hesitancies4 ,and yet1 would she profit by the change8 ,endymion1 the one youth whose beauty drew her from heaven1 remained perpetually asleep4 ,is there not some profound significance in the ancient myth1 some truth that would have pleased ,francis ,bacon1 ,baron ,verulam 7as the pedants will have us call the man who did not write ,shakespeare74 ,but the philosophers1 who have understood the levity of mind that underlies changes of ,cabinets1 have not always understood the numerical pettiness of the voting power by which the change is effected4 ,just as every philosopher is born a ,platonist or an ,aristotelian1 so1 as ,mr4 ,gilbert sings1 is every ,englishman born a little ,liberal or a little ,conservative3 even if his politics be not original sin1 it is early acquired4 ,thus1 then1 the nation consists of two great camps--the ,liberals and the ,conservatives--which are practically fixed2 standing armies that may be relied upon4 ,a born ,liberal may wax fat and kick at his ancient principles3 a born ,conservative may change his coat and turn ,whig4 ,but these exceptions are rare4 ,for the most part men stick to their party and die as foolish as they were born--which is called consistency4 ,convinced sometimes against their will1 they are of the same opinion still4 ,loyalty and obstinacy will look facts in the face and never blench1 and every one remains truer to his social circle than to his private judgments4 ,people's politics are their prejudices at a masked ball1 and the ,conservatives will vote ,conservative and the ,liberals ,liberal1 through a cannonade of unanswerable cartoons4 ,apart from these two great standing armies1 there is a shifting body of free-lances1 guerrillas1 ,jacks-o'-both-sides1 call them what you will--waverers who have too much conscience or too little1 who are swayed by their reason or their pocket1 or who are gullible enough to believe that the opposition will do better1 or sportsmen enough to desire fair play and a chance for the other side1 and who are found fighting now in this camp1 now in that4 ,the camps themselves are fairly matched3 ,rads and ,tories--the sexes of politics--are as evenly created as men and women4 ,they are like ten-pound weights standing on either scale of a balance4 ,what1 then1 determines the oscillation this way or that8 ,evidently the miserable little half-ounce weight placed sometimes on one side1 sometimes on the other4 ,in fine1'tisthe tiny squadron of free-lances that wins general elections1 the voters who think or who don't think1 or who veer to be with the majority4 ,the ,jacks-o'-both-sides rule ,england1 even as the ,parnell brigade ruled ,parliament4 ,to this floating population is it given to make or unmake ,cabinets2 theirs is the righteous indignation that sweeps the country like a new broom1 and sweeps ,ministries into limbo2 to them is made the magniloquent appeal to the country6 ,l'tat1 c'est nous6 might be the motto of this third party1 were it but conscious of itself as a party4 ,the majority is never right1 cries ,dr4 ,stockmann in ,the ,enemy of the ,people4 ,never1 ,i say4 ,that is one of those conventional lies against which a free1 thoughtful man must rebel4 ,who are they that make up the majority of a country8 ,is it the wise men or the foolish8 ,i think we must agree that the foolish folk are1 at present1 in a terribly overwhelming majority all around and about us the wide world over4 ,but1 devil take it1 it can surely never be right that the foolish should rule over the wise4444 ,the majority has might--unhappily--but right it has not4 ,i and a few others are right4 ,but how if ,i and a few others organised themselves after the fashion of the ,parnellites8 how if the wise men made up their minds that the world should no longer be governed with the proverbial minimum of wisdom1 and1 taking advantage of the natural balance of parties1 resolved that they should be the ones to supply the principle of movement to the equilibrated social machine8 ,surely the ,millennium could not long resist the ,philosophers' party4 ,but1 alas6 would the wise men agree8 ,would not they also split up into two factions8 ,and even if philosophers were kings and kings philosophers1 would the kingdom of ,plato be at hand8 ,popular suffrage is much maligned4 ,think1 says ,bouvard1 one of the tragi-comic twain who serve for title to that saddest of all humorous books1 ,flaubert's ,bouvard et ,pcuchet1 think of all those who buy pomades and patent medicines4 ,these blockheads form the electorate and we submit to their will4 ,why can't one make three thousand a year by breeding rabbits8 ,because too much crowding together is fatal to them4 ,in like manner1 by the mere coming together of a crowd the germs of stupidity which it contains get developed and the consequences are incalculable4 ,but popular suffrage does not operate like this at all4 ,one might almost say that half the stupidity contradicts and annihilates the other half3 in practice the franchise carries its own antidote1--the germs of stupidity do not get developed1 but destroyed4 ,the metaphor of germs would be more appropriate if applied to the ideas of the party-programmes1 for these ideas are introduced by a few wise or foolish men and disseminated epidemically throughout their respective parties4 ,democracy never escapes aristocracy1 for the people never invents ideas2 its whole power is that of choice between the ideas offered by its would-be leaders1 and even these ideas it accepts less as a philosopher than as a patient1 rather as germs than as thoughts4 ,and when once it has accepted its leaders or its representatives1 the beautiful parliamentary system deprives it of all further rights of interference for a term of years1 and the policy of the country is far more dependent on the intestine rivalries and manoeuvrings of the representatives than on the desires and demands of the represented4 ,in a really democratic system there would be a central bureau of statesmen not necessarily elected by the voice of the people1 and this bureau should have for object not the wrangling over measures1 but the mere proposition of them4 ,these trained thinkers and diplomatists--accepting advice freely from the great newspapers and the chiefs of factions--would propose whatever measures seemed necessary from time to time for the preservation1 the elevation1 and the dignity of the commonweal1 and these propositions would be submitted officially to every franchise-holder1 just as the inquisitive census-paper or the parochial voting-paper is to-day4 ,the ,ayes or ,noes of the people would have it1 not of those who represent them1 save the mark6 ,the details could be drafted by specialists1 as to-day4 ,that this would be a better or even a feasible system ,i do not say2 but ,i do maintain that any other democracy than this is a fraud4 ,to have the ten-thousandth part of a voice in selecting among the varying policies of sundry ambitious gentlemen1 all of whom have been foisted on me by committees1 and of whom the successful one--whose professed views may be quite antithetical to mine and can at best only roughly represent them--will have1 when he is not absent or manoeuvred into silence1 the six-hundred-and-seventieth part of a voice in accepting or rejecting the ideas of half a dozen very ambitious gentlemen1 whose measures are themselves liable to be quashed at the eleventh hour by an ,upper ,house that sits without my will or consent1 and which is in its turn legally liable to be superseded by the ,sovereign1 whose government is all the while being really carried on in silence by permanent officials whose very names ,i do not know and who have no connection with me beyond accepting1 in ignorance of my existence1 my dole towards their salaries1--this is not a form of democracy that appeals very attractively to me as an individual member of ,demos4 ,and1 moreover1 the position of my ,member of ,parliament is scarcely less paradoxical than my own rle of free and independent elector4 ,he is the mouthpiece of his constituents1 and yet he is expected to have a will and conscience of his own4 ,why8 ,why should he be any more honest than a lawyer or a journalist8 ,each of these classes is paid to maintain certain propositions1 and the most successful in these lines are those with the highest powers of persuasion4 ,the constituency wishes certain opinions and desires put forward in ,parliament1--why should the man who offers to execute the job be presumed to share those opinions and desires8 ,the point is1 can he represent them more forcibly than the rival candidates8 ,i do not for a moment imagine that the ,m4 ,p4 invariably agrees with the politics of his electors2 ,i only inquire why he should have to profess to1--why should he pay this homage of hypocrisy to an illogical ideal8 ,theoretically we do not elect our ,m4 ,p4 because he wants to get on1 but because we want to get on or the country to get on2 because we want certain measures carried1 not because he wants certain measures carried4 ,therefore it is to our interest to get the most skilled advocate at our command2 his personal opinions are no concern of ours4 ,a fig for his ambitions and aspirations6 ,this may not be a dignified position for the ,m4 ,p41 but it is the one logically implicated in the democratic notion of universal suffrage2 and when the gentleman honestly asserts himself and his private ambitions and his private conscience1 he is deucedly dishonest to his constituents4 ,to be strictly logical1 indeed1 ,m4 ,p4's should confine themselves to stating the wishes of the people they represent3 they might as well be mechanical dolls1 moved through the lobbies by the respective wire-pullers and fitted with inarticulate noises4 ,or1 for the matter of that1 they might be superseded altogether by written summaries of the opinions of the winning majority in each constituency on all the points at issue in the current session4 ,the chiefs of the party could play the game with markers4 ,but indeed what is the use of dealing the cards at all1 when the ,prime ,minister holds all the trumps in advance1 not up his sleeve1 but openly on the table8 ,as for the speeches in the ,house1 they have as much effect upon the issue as the conversations at the card-table4 ,they are an obsolete survival from the times when members were liable to come to the ,house with open minds1 instead of having them closed by their constituencies4 ,indeed1 ,i can suggest a simple device by which1 without any departure from the ancient forms of the ,house1 most of the evils of ,party ,government could be swept away4 ,by the system of pairing a ,tory may neutralize a ,radical1 and both go on together without interfering with the good of the country4 ,let therefore the entire minority pair off with members of the opposite party1 leaving the bare majority in possession of the floor4 ,being agreed on their policy1 these would not want to make speeches1 but would simply spend their time walking through the ,ayes lobby4 ,a few afternoons of pleasant promenading would provide the country with enough legislation for a lifetime4 ,solvitur ambulando4 ,the party leaders would be enabled to husband their energies for the hustings1 since like all the agreeable members they would easily find partners4 ,it is only the bores who would be left to walk the ,house4 ,it will be observed that this incalculable gain of time1 temper1 money1 and ,acts of ,parliament would be secured without revolution1 on constitutional lines1 and by a mere extension of an existing practice4 ,i am convinced the salvation of the country depends on the universal adoption of the system of ,parliamentary pairing1 or legislation by walking wall-flowers4 ,a further advantage of this system deserves to be noted4 ,as it takes forty members to make a ,house1 should the ,governmental majority fall below this number no business could be transacted4 ,thus it would become impossible1 when the country was almost equally divided1 for one party to impose its will on the nation by force of a bare majority4 ,again1 therefore1 a very necessary reform would be achieved on strictly constitutional lines4 ,in so confused a constitution1 or so constitutional a confusion1 it ill becomes one to inquire why pre-eminence in ,parliament is attained by dexterity in the word-duel1 and why a ,john ,stuart ,mill1 who gave his life to the study of sociological questions1 is a failure in the ,house1 while a ,randolph ,churchill1 who confessedly found politics more exciting than any other form of sport1 including even horse-racing1 should be a success4 ,as in ,athens of old1 the rhetorician is master of the field4 ,does it not seem ridiculous that a man shall be allowed to legislate who has not passed an examination in political philosophy1 political economy1 and universal history8 ,as absurd as that men should be able to set up as critics merely by purchasing reviews1 that they should be permitted to ply without a license4 ,still1 monstrous as is the mischief wrought by the quack critic1 his sphere of influence is limited4 ,but this question of government touches us all4 ,no one ought to be allowed in the ,house who has not satisfactorily grappled with papers like the following4 #a4 ,explain the use of the following phrases3 ,home ,rule1 ,liberty1 ,well-being of the ,masses1 ,g4 ,o4 ,m41 ,good of the ,state1 ,the ,constitution4 ,what meaning do you attach to them1 if any8 #b4 ,the ,function of an ,opposition ,is ,to ,oppose4 ,criticise this statement from the point of view of the ,party in ,power1 and trace carefully the modification in its view produced by a change of government4 #c4 ,what is a good electoral address8 ,is there any relation between it and its owner's votes in the ,house8 #d4 7a7 ,prove that ,female ,franchise is demanded not only by the women of ,england1 but by every consideration of reason and justice4 7b7 ,disprove the same4 #e4 ,the leader of your party suddenly reverses his policy4 7a7 ,what would you think8 7b7 ,what would you say8 7c7 ,how would you vote8 ,give no reasons for your answer4 #f4 ,if ,c represents ,conscience1 and ,c#a the ,constituency1 show that ,c#a will always be represented by ,c#b994 ,transcriber's note3 ,so in original4 #g4 ,what is a working-man8 ,explain why professional men who work sixteen hours a day are excluded from this category4 #h4 ,define a political victory1 and distinguish between a political victory and a moral victory4 ,but perhaps the discrepancy is less than meets the eye4 ,the ,house of ,commons is a ,representative ,assembly2 the rhetoricians and fencers represent the unreason and the pugnacity of the partisans4 ,a country has the politicians it deserves4 ,i have heard the most ignorant girls rage against ,mr4 ,gladstone2 damsels in their teens who knew nothing of life or its problems1 nor could have studied any question for themselves2 pretty girls withal1 but who at the mention of the veteran statesman took on the avenging aspect of the ,eumenides4 ,it was a girl of quite another temper who replied to me when1 talking over old times and old discussions1 ,i said ,i had not yet become a ,socialist3 ,i don't think you ever knew what you were4 ,i winced as at a just reproach1 yet when ,i had left her the retort occurred to me 7as retorts will1 when too late7 that there was no particular merit in being a what1 that men were not necessarily 'ists or 'ites1 that thoughts did not fit into pigeonholes1 and that if there was any merit in the matter it consisted rather in preserving free play and elasticity of mind4 ,because certain men had put certain ideas into the world it did not follow that every other man had definitely to accept or reject each and all of them1 and to become an 'ite or an anti-'ite in so doing4 ,plague take great men6 ,what right had they to force one into the jury-box8 ,still less was it compulsory to return a verdict if1 as the vulgar were apt to think1 the acceptance of any one 'ism precluded the acceptance of another1 so that to be an ,ibsenite was synonymous with detesting the dramas of ,sardou1 and to be a ,wagnerite involved a horror of ,mendelssohn4 ,it was only the uncultured who held their artistic and political creeds with the narrowness of ,little ,bethel1 importing into thought and aesthetics the zealotry they had lost in religion4 ,the book of ,experience1 thought ,i1 is not an ,encyclopaedia1 with every possible topic neatly ranged in alphabetical order2 'tis no ,a ,b ,c ,time ,table1 with the trains docketed for the enlightenment of the simple1't is rather an ,encyclopaedia torn into a million million fragments by kittens and pasted together again by infants1 so that all possible things are inextricably interfused1 every one with every other2 't is a ,bradshaw edited by a maniac1 where the trains that start but don't arrive are not even distinguished from the trains that arrive but don't start4 ,wherever persons are conscious of the infinite complexities of things1 they will be found cautious of creed and timid of assertion4 ,you have probably noted that at ,waterloo ,station1 in ,london1 no porter will ever bind himself to a definite statement concerning any train4 ,it is only the inartistic who hold that black is black and white is white1 unconditionally1 irretrievably2 and who have invented the proverb ,he'd say black's white to express the ,sophist in excelsis4 ,it must be true1 as ,ruskin contends1 that not one man in fifteen thousand has ever observed anything1 else how account for this wide-spread fallacy8 ,the wit of one1 instead of crystallising this wisdom of the many1 should have flatly contradicted it4 ,for1 take two blackboards and place them at right angles to each other3 let a ray of bright sunlight fall upon them1 so that one cast a shadow on the other4 ,the portion of blackboard overshadowed will indeed be blackish1 but the portion illuminated by full sunlight will be comparatively white1 although it is still thought of as a black-board4 ,so1 too1 ask the man in the street for the colour of trees1 and he will reply green4 ,if ,i may permit myself a vulgar locution1 the green is in his eye4 ,trees are1 of course1 all colours of the rainbow1 according to kind and season2 and grass1 too1 is by no means always so green as people think it4 ,we start in our childhood with prejudices on these subjects--what is education but the systematic imparting of prejudice8--and we rarely recover4 ,even the primitive rhymes of childhood fix ideas unalterably in our minds3 ,the rose is red1 the violet's blue1 ,sugar is sweet and so are you4 ,tea-roses are not red nor ,neapolitan violets blue2 sugar is only sweet to those unversed in metaphysics1 and sugar of lead not even to them4 ,as for the compliment to the juvenile petticoat1 let it remain4 ,but the blackness of black is a superstition that deserves no such courteous concessions4 ,there is1 in fact1 no black and no white at all1 as any black-and-white artist will tell you4 ,black is not a colour3 it is merely the negation of light4 ,by day nothing is ever black--it always contains reflected light from some surrounding object or objects3 if you look at a black thing by day1 you see its details1 which convincingly proves that light is not absent4 ,if there were such a thing as a black object1 it could only prove its existence by being seen2 but if it is seen it is no longer black1 and if it is black it is no longer seen4 ,the mourners at a funeral no more wear black than the bridesmaids at a wedding wear white4 ,to be white1 a thing would have to escape all reflected light2 and even if this were possible1 the sunlight itself1 the source of all light and colour1 would tinge it with yellow1 or red1 or pink1 according to the time of day4 ,what6 the injudicious reader will cry1 is not snow white8 ,does not the ,dictionary boast even a double-barreled epithet 'snow-white'6 ,how about the 'great white sea' that stretches round the ,pole8 ,i cannot help it3 these adjectives1 these expressions were invented before artists had taught men to see3 hastily1 as by men falling in love at first sight1 who are destined to make many discoveries concerning their idol later on4 ,snow is never white1 any more than the beloved is absolutely blameless4 ,for snow to be snow-white1 the sky would have to be white1 whereas in those arctic circles it should be either blue or grey4 ,moreover1 the snow being only semi-opaque must be tinctured by the shadow of the darkness of its own depths2 as for icebergs1 well1 you may see green1 brown1 and even deep-grey ice1 whilst the whitest have pinnacles and crags that must break the light like prisms into all the colours of the spectrum1 and all these hues1 again1 do not fail to tint the snow4 ,nor will the white bear improve the situation1 for1 to judge by the specimen in our ,london ,zoological ,gardens1 white bears are dirty yellow1 just as black bears are dirty brown4 ,but1 so far from realising that black may be white1 your average voter seems to imagine that neither is ever even tempered3 that his party is purest white1 and the opposition party impurest black4 ,that the other side reverses this colouring does not trouble him3 it is merely due to the aforesaid sophistical faculty of proving black white4 ,i once knew a man--no average voter he--who owned two comic papers1 the one ,radical1 the other ,conservative4 ,how he must have chuckled as he planned the cartoons and settled the chiaroscuro6 ,what blacks for the ,tories to be answered by counter-blacks for the ,radicals6 ,beaconsfield as a sweep1 ,gladstone as an ,angel of ,light2 ,beaconsfield as ,ormuzd1 ,gladstone as ,ahriman2 each in turn ,lucifer1 ,son of the ,morning1 and ,satan1 the discomfited demon4 ,i tremble to think what would have happened if1 by one of those contretemps which sometimes occur even in real life1 the cartoons had got interchanged4 ,and caricatures such as these influence the elections6 ,the most childish nonsense1 written in the picture-language so dear to children6 ,and on such ineptitudes the destinies of the nation are supposed to turn6 ',t is a comforting reflection1 then1 that the whole thing is so largely a farce1 that the real axis of events is elsewhere--by no means a thing to grieve over4 ,if the ,british ,constitution is a paradox not to be fathomed by human intellect1 why1 that is a quality which it shares with ,space and ,time and all deep and elemental things4 ,your deep thinker is invariably a paradox-monger1 because everything when probed to its bottom proves illusive1 and is found to contain its own contradiction4 ,truth is not a dead butterfly1 to be transfixed with a pin and labelled1 but a living1 airy1 evasive butterfly4 ,perhaps that is the inner meaning of the ,whistlerian motto4 ,the ,hegelian self-contradictoriness of the ,british ,constitution will not1 therefore1 affright us4 ,to ,tennyson the fact that it is a crowned republic seemed a source of security4 ,the ,english have abolished the ,crown1 though they are too loyal to inform the ,sovereign of his deposition2 in like manner they have evaded ,democracy by conceding universal suffrage4 ,the strength of the ,british ,constitution lies in its inherent absurdity1 its audacious paradoxicalness4 ,it exists by force of not being carried out4 ,and the reason of this illogicality is clear3 our ,constitution1 like ,topsy1 was not made but growed1 and that which grows is never logically perfect2 it is like an old tree1 strangely gnarled1 with countless abrasions and mutilations1 and sometimes even curious grafts4 ,here the lightning struck it1 and yonder branch was snapped in the great gale4 ,machine-made schemes may be theoretically perfect1 but they will never suit human nature1 which is a soil for living growths1 not a concrete foundation for elegant architecture4 ,this is the truth which trips up ,comte1 and ,fourier1 and ,st4 ,simon1 and all the system-makers and utopia-builders4 ,perfect things are dead things3 the law of life is imperfection and movement4 ,life is never logical1 it is only alive4 ,if man had been made by machinery his body would not have been erratically hairy2 his toes would long since have been improved away or welded together by an ,american patentee2 nor would there have remained1 for our humiliation1 those traces of a caudal appendage which some osteologists have thought to perceive in our distinguished anatomy2 our brotherhood to the beasts would have been betrayed only by our behaviour4 ,so that1 though ,politics be as absurd as the ,constitution1 ,god bless her1 it may yet fulfil as useful a function4 ,who would deprive the hosts of working-men of their generous enthusiasms1 even though these be to the profit of the professional politician8 ,who would narrow their horizon back to the public-house and the workshop or the clerical desk and the music-hall1 by assuring them that all these great national and international questions will be no penny the worse or the better for their interest in them8 ,for it is they1 not the ,state1 that will be benefited4 ,politics is a great educative force3 it teaches history1 geography1 and the art of debate1 and is not without relation to ,shakespeare and the musical glasses4 ,the flies on the wheel are not moving the wheel1 but they are travelling and seeing the world1 whereas they might otherwise be buzzing around the dust-bin4 ,politics sets the humblest at the centre of great cross-roads of history3 it promotes clubs and all manner of fellowship1 and enables the poorest--on polling-day at least--to know himself the equal of the greatest4 ,even the most illiterate is spared the mortification of being reminded that he cannot sign his name4 ,and finally1 and most of all1 it preserves among us the lost art of fighting4 ,the long and oft-vaunted immunity of ,england from the foot of a foreign foe has its drawbacks3 we have forgotten what war really means1 we have delegated our courage and patriotism to an army of mercenaries1 who represent us in the field as a nobleman's carriage represents him at a funeral2 we are valiant vicariously and sublime by deputy2 we take the war-fever in its pleasant heats1 and contract out the chills and the blood-letting4 ,and so the blood-letting fails to purge us as before3 the evil humours are still in the system4 ,all those seething1 restless spirits which generate in the blood of a once warlike race clog us up and turn to bile and dyspeptic distempers4 ,our militant instincts1 suppressed by a too-secure civilization1 break out in sordid maladies of the social organism4 ,as a vent-hole for the envy1 hatred and uncharitableness of mankind1 politics cannot be overestimated4 ,in the absence of real battles on our soil these sham fights of the polling-booth--sham because they determine nothing1 because the great silent forces are working behind all the noises--are the national purge for our present discontents2 no more truly efficacious than that ancient therapeutics of the lancet1 a ,general ,election yet comforts the patient1 he takes a lease of fresh hope1 the sun leaps out1 the clouds pack1 the sky is blue1 the grass is dew-pearled1 ,god's in his heaven1 and all's right with the world4 ,even the beaten party feels that it has won a moral victory1 and confidently looks forward to victory without morality at the next turn of the wheel4 ,and so all these diseased humours of the body politic pass harmlessly off4 ,no one but a confirmed cynic would wish to do away with all this harmless dissipation1 all the innocent fun of electioneering1 the speeches1 riotings1 mud-throwings1 everybody happy as sandboys or mudlarks4 ,what a great day that was--,plancus being ,m4 ,p4 and ,i a boy in a provincial town--when the ,blues and the ,reds meant broken heads1 and the flowing tide of beer1 and spruce carriages with beribboned horses1 and jocund waggonettes1 and bands and banners1 and hoorays1 and shuttered shops1 and an outpour of citizens2 a day festive1 yet solemn1 pregnant with mysterious dooms and destinies1 fatal1 ineluctable1 if victory fell to the wrong-coloured ribbons4 ,i remember when my father went to poll his vote--a strange1 weird article that had to be carried carefully concealed on the person1 lest the roughs of the opposition should catch a glimpse of the tip of it and bash in the holder's head--with what awed imagination we followed his course1 as of a hero gone to storm a redoubt or lead a forlorn hope6 with what anxiety we waited at home with the bandages6 ,for the civil war1 which our constitution foments1 was less of a sham then than now1 and the polling-booths vied with the playing-fields of ,eton as the nursery of ,england's heroes4 ,ah1 the brave old times6 ,an anaemic age languishes for want of you1 and finds its solace in bluggy tales4 ,for just as politics supplies the shadow1 the simulacrum of fighting1 so art supplies the shadows of life to those who lack the substance4 ,we herd in towns1 and take the country in dashes of water-colour framed in gilt4 ,we marry for money1 and satiate our baulked sense of romance with concoctions from ,mudie's4 ,we lie and haggle and cheat only the better to apprehend the subtleties of spiritual discourse in fashionable churches1 and our generous appreciation of the consummate chivalry of the hero of melodrama is the reward we owe ourselves for the pain it gave us to kick our wives4 ,practical joking is banished from reputable circles--even ,bob ,sawyer is ranging himself2 and so this primitive appetite seeks its satisfaction in farcical comedies4 ,poetic tragedies owe their attraction to the dominance in real life of the drab and the unlovely1 and the overstrain of the intellect in modern life gives a peculiar flavour to the ineptitudes of ,gaiety burlesque4 ,all the primal instincts and passions are still in us1 though distorted1 exaggerated1 diminished1 modified1 applied to different objects and purposes4 ,the man with vagabond instincts becomes an explorer1 ,ishmael writes social dramas1 the happier son of a defalcating cashier rises to be a minister of finance1 the born liar turns novelist1 the man with murder in his soul hunts big game in foreign lands or settles down at home as a critic4 ,and so1 too1 the born warrior becomes a political leader2 and politics1 if it does not do any of the things it professes to do1 plays yet an invaluable part in modern life1 bridging over1 perchance1 the transition from the bellicose ages to those belauded days when the war-drum shall throb no longer1 and the kindly earth shall slumber1 lapt in universal law4 ,that this is confusedly and sub-consciously understood1 even by politicians1 is shown by their very vocabulary4 ,the ,salvation ,army itself boasts no more militant a phraseology than the profession whose business it is to administer peacefully the affairs of the realm4 ,that which should be1 and sometimes is1 expressed by nautical metaphors--the ship of state1 guiding the helm1 and the rest of it--is much more frequently expressed by military metaphors4 ,even the posts of duty are the spoils of office4 ,the ,state which to ,plato was a deliberately harmonised music is to us a deliberate discord1 and the acme of politics1 whose crowning glory should be a peaceful measure1 is by the vulgar not so inaccurately regarded as attained at a ,general ,election1 the nomenclature of which positively bristles with bayonets4 ,seats are won as towns were of old1 and1 as in the days of ,joshua1 victory is achieved by walking round the town and blowing your own trumpets4 ,great organs shamelessly lament that their side has no good grievance to go to the country with1--as if the absence of grievances were not the very object of government6 ,a stirring war-cry--that is the indispensable4 ,if good government were really the object of a ,general ,election1 it would all be over and done with in a day4 ,election day would everywhere be as simultaneous as ,christmas1 and votes would be polled with the punctuality with which puddings are eaten4 ,but this would be to contract a campaign into a battle--to make a short story out of a great military serial1 peppered with exciting incidents1 to be continued in our next4 ,we want our vicissitudes1 our sharpshooting1 our skirmishing1 our days of triumph for the ,whigs1 and our days of triumph for the ,tories4 ,what we like best of all is when the fighting is so level that the ,election progresses as breathlessly as a good ,university boat race4 ,failing that1 we like to see one side swamping the other1 like a great flood1 the stream rising daily higher and higher1 with a crescendo roar1 till the vanquished are swept away in a thunderous mountain of waters4 ,so for a full moon the waters rage1 the noise of battle roars1 till our suppressed fighting instincts have been deluded into repose and satisfaction1 till the champing war-horses have been quieted by being allowed to snort and cry ,ha6 ha6 to see the glitter of stage spears1 and to hear the noise of the supers and the shouting4 ,this is the real end masked beneath all those interminable phrases4 ,and it is achieved at any and every cost4 ,for does not everybody complain that a ,general ,election upsets everything8 ,the publishers groan1 the theatrical managers tear their wigs4 ,englishmen cannot think of two things at once2 they are like heavy1 solid craft1 sound of timber but slow of turning4 ,one thing at a time is a national proverb4 ,they cannot even read two books at once1 and if two classics should be published on the same day one would be a failure4 ,there is the book of the week1 and the book of the season1 and the book of the year4 ,this applies even to our appreciation of past periods1 and because ,shakespeare is the first of the ,elizabethan dramatists1 the rest are nowhere4 ,wherefore one would suppose that everybody would make haste to get the ,election out of the way2 but1 on the contrary1 it is allowed to linger on1 till sometimes our overstrained suspense snaps1 and the ,election dribbles out in unregarded issues4 ,no1 the fight's the thing6 ,war1 if not dead1 is banished from our shores2 the duello has been laughed to death2 cock-fighting and bull-baiting have ceased to charm3 politics alone remains to gratify the pugnacity and cruelty that civilisation has robbed of their due objects4 ,how we brighten up again at a bye-election1 when duels which passed unregarded in the big battle1 when towns scarcely noted at the fag-end of the great campaign1 become the cynosure of every eye4 ,through ,slocum or ,eatonswill the hub of the universe temporarily passes3 to its population of four thousand1 mostly fools1 are entrusted the destinies of the ,empire2 it is theirs to make or mar4 ,the duel is watched by a breathless nation4 ,the party leaders on each side cheer on their men2 their careers and claims and countenances fill up the papers1 and they cross swords in a shower of telegrams4 ,advice to those about to enter ,parliament3 ,elect for a bye-election4 ,why be a nonentity1 a mere ,m4,p41 when by a little patience you may hold the centre of the stage1 if only for a week8 ,better almost to be beaten at a bye-election than to be successful at a ,general4 ,in case ,i should ever seek the suffrages of electors myself1 ,i would venture to remind opposition agents and private secretaries that these random criticisms of the glorious constitution 7hear1 hear67 of that great ,empire on which the sun never sets 7cheers71 over which the ,union ,jack waves 7loud cheers7--a thousand years the battle and the breeze--hem6--,i--,i--ahem6--,lord ,salisbury 7loud and prolonged cheers7--,i mean that ,i trust they will not forget that all this is set down without prejudice4 ,,vii ,,the ,,realistic ,,novel ,the realistic novel1 we know from ,zola1 that apostle of insufficient insight1 is based on human documents1 and human documents are made up of facts4 ,but in human life there are no facts4 ,this is not a paradox1 but a fact4 ,life is in the eye of the observer4 ,the humour or the pity of it belongs entirely to the spectator1 and depends upon the gift of vision he brings4 ,there are no facts1 like bricks1 to build stories with4 ,what1 pray1 in the realm of human life is a fact8 ,by no means a stubborn thing1 as the proverb pretends4 ,on the contrary1 a most pliant1 shifting1 chameleon-coloured thing1 as flexible as figures in the hands of the statistician4 ,what is commonly called a fact is merely a one-sided piece of information1 a dead thing1 not the series of complex1 mutually inter-working relations that constitutes a fact as it exhibits itself to the literary vivisectionist4 ,i walked with a friend in a shabby district of central ,london1 a region that had once been genteel1 but was now broken up into apartments4 ,squalid babies1 with wan1 pathetic faces1 pullulated on the doorsteps2 they showed from behind dingy windows at the breasts of haggard women4 ,the fronts of the houses were black1 the plaster had crumbled away1 the paint had peeled off4 ,it was the ruins of a minor ,carthage1 and1 like ,marius1 ,i was lost in mournful reverie2 my companion remarked1 ,these houses are going up2 they now pay #g per cent4 ,he was perfectly justified4 ,there are a hundred ways of looking at any fact4 ,the historian1 the scientist1 the economist1 the poet1 the philanthropist1 the novelist1 the anarchist1 the intelligent foreigner1--each would take away a different impression from the street1 and all these impressions would be facts1 all equally valid1 all equally true1 and all equally false4 ,life1 ,i repeat1 is in the eye of the observer4 ,what is farce to you is often tragedy to the actual performer4 ,the man who slips over a piece of orange peel1 or chases his hat along the muddy pavement1 is rarely conscious of the humour of the situation4 ,on the other hand1 you shall see persons involved in heartrending tragedies to whom the thing shows as farce1 like little children playing in churchyards or riding tombstones astride4 ,to the little imps of comedy1 who1 according to ,mr4 ,meredith1 sit up aloft1 holding their sides at the spectacle of mankind1 to the ,spirit of the world1 ,beholding the absurdities of men1 ,their vaunts1 their feats1 444 human life must be a very different matter from what we poor players on the scene imagine it2 we are cutting a very different figure1 not only from that which faces us from the mirror of vanity1 but from that which is as ithers see us4 ,not only1 then1 may our tragedy be comedy2 our comedy may be tragedy4 ,the play of humour at least suggests these alternatives4 ,life is ,janus-faced1 and the humourist invests his characters with a double mask2 they stand for comedy as well as for tragedy2 ,don ,quixote wears the buskin as well as the sock4 ,humour1 whose definition has always eluded analysis1 may1 perhaps 7to attempt a definition currente calamo71 be that subtle flashing from one aspect to another1 that turning the coin so rapidly that one seems to see simultaneously the face and the reverse1 the pity and the humour of life1 and knows not whether to laugh or weep4 ,humour is1 then1 the simultaneous revelation of the dual aspects of life2 the synthetical fusion of opposites2 the gift of writing with a double pen1 of saying two things in one1 of showing shine and shadow together4 ,this is why the humourist has always the gift of pathos2 though the gift of pathos does not equally imply the gift of humour4 ,the tragic writer must always produce one-sided work1 so must the funnyman who were only a funny man and not a humourist 7though this is rarer74 ,each can only show one side of life at a time2 the humourist alone can show both4 ,great novels of romance and adventure1 great works of imagination1 great poems1 may be written by persons without humour2 but only the humourist can reproduce life4 ,milton is great2 but the poet of life is ,shakespeare4 ,thus the whole case of realism falls to the ground4 ,there being no facts1 ,zola's laborious series is futile2 it may be true to art1 but it is not true to life4 ,his vision is incomplete1 is inexhaustive2 it lacks humour1 and to the scientific novelist the lack of humour is fatal4 ,he is the one novelist who cannot succeed without it4 ,leave out humour1 and you may get art and many other fine things1 but you do not get the lights and shadows or the values of life4 ,all novels are written from the novelist's point of view4 ,they are his vision of the world4 ,they are not life1 but individual refractions of it4 ,the ironical pessimism of ,thomas ,hardy is as false as the sentimental optimism of ,walter ,besant or the miso-androus meliorism of ,sarah ,grand4 ,what ,hall ,caine happily calls the scenic view of life of ,dickens is no more true than the philosophic view of ,mrs4 ,humphry ,ward4 ,each is existence viewing itself through a single medium4 ,tess of the ,d',urbervilles is as false as ,lorna ,doone or ,plain ,tales from the ,hills4 ,life1 large1 chaotic1 inexpressible1 not to be bound down by a formula1 peeps at itself through the brain of each artist1 but eludes photography4 ,this is the true inwardness of the ,proteus myth4 ,the humourist alone1 by presenting life in its own eternal contradictoriness1 by not being tied down to one point of view1 like his less gifted brother1 comes nearest to expressing its elusive essence4 ,the great novelists are ,fielding1 ,cervantes1 ,flaubert1 ,thackeray4 ,but all the novelists supplement one another1 and relatively-true single impressions of life go to make up a true picture of ,life1 like a dome of many coloured glass4 ,it is because there are all novels and every aspect of existence in ,shakespeare that he sits supreme1 the throned sovereign of the literature of life4 ,all this is writ to console those who suffer too poignantly from book-tragedies and pictures of life4 ,the artist selects1 he studies tone and composition1 whereas in real life tragedies are often accompanied by extenuating circumstances4 ,the unloved girl temporarily forgets her sorrow in the last new novel1 or a picnic up the river2 the broken-hearted hero betakes himself to billiards and brandy-and-soda1 or toys with a beefsteak4 ,again1 many pathetic tales are the outcome of imperfect insight4 ,the novelist imagines how he would feel in the shoes of his characters1 and cries out with the pain of hypothetic bunions4 ,this mistake better deserves the name of the pathetic fallacy than the poetic misreading of ,nature to which ,buskin has annexed it4 ,a good novel may be made of bad psychology2 indeed1 this is what most novels are made of4 ,yet the gentle reader1 misled by the simulation of life1 makes himself miserable over dabs of black ink on white paper4 ,the failure of two imaginary beings to unite their lives in wedlock brings unhappiness into myriad homes4 ,how delicious is that story of the ,german novelist who1 having failed to unite his leading couple at the conclusion of a newspaper serial1 saw no way of appeasing the grief and indignation of his vast audience save by inserting in the advertisement columns of a later issue of the journal an announcement of their union under the usual head of ,marriages6 ,,viii ,,in ,,defence ,,of ,,gambling ,without gambling life would lose its salt in many a humble household4 ,the humdrum1 deadening routine of monotonous daily toil finds relief by this creation of an outside interest2 to have a shilling on the favourite enlarges and colours existence1 gives it a wider and vaguer horizon4 ,imagine the delicious anguish of suspense1 the excitement of hearing the result1 the exultation of winning4 ,and the beauty of gambling is that you cannot lose4 ,gambling is really a disguised system of purchase4 ,one buys excitement1 a most valuable emotion1 for which even the members of the ,anti-,gambling ,league are prepared to pay heavily in other forms6 ,and the advantage of gambling over all these other forms is the possibility that you may not be called upon to pay for your purchase after all--nay1 that you may even be paid instead6 ,you get not only excitement1 but a possible bonus4 ,is there any earthly transaction that offers such advantages8 ,why1 't is always heads ,i win1 tails you lose4 ,who speaks of losing at cards8 ,as well speak of losing at play-going or novel-reading2 what is called loss is simply payment for excitement4 ,you cannot lose at cards1 though you may win2 unless it be in games where skill preponderates1 and then loss means penalty for lack of skill4 ,the mere transfer of money from hand to hand leaves the wealth of the world what it was before4 ',t is redistribution1 not destruction4 ,it is scarcely relevant to look for the evils of gambling in its effects--to point to ruined reputations and ruined homes4 ,everything is capable of abuse1 from love to religion4 ,the evil of gambling lies in the fact that it is an unworthy form of excitement--that it is possible to colour life more intellectually4 ,the ,anti-,gambling ,league1 for all its recent prospectus1 will not put down gambling among the poorer classes1 except by widening their outlook otherwise1 by creating other interests outside the dull daily groove4 ,for the well-to-do classes there is less excuse4 ,with all the arts and amenities of life at their command1 it is degrading to use up time and nervous energy in so brainless a pursuit4 ,the gambling that is inherent in the constitution of modern civilization is another affair3 that is pursued for the sake of gain2 or for a livelihood4 ,the ,stock ,exchange is an unhappy consequence of the joint-stock company2 credit in business is an equally inevitable outcome of the ramified mechanism of exchange4 ,we are all gamblers to-day1 insomuch as there is no stable relation between work and reward1 and the failure of a bank in ,calcutta may impoverish a shopkeeper in ,camden ,town4 ,our investments may rise or fall in value through the obscure machinations of unknown millionaires4 ,and even the ,anti-,gambling ,league has no word to say against those great gambling concerns1 ,life and ,fire ,assurance ,societies1 which bet you that you will not die or be burnt out within a certain number of years1 or those journals which offer you large odds that you won't be smashed up while reading them4 ,the prudential considerations behind these forms of gambling seem quite to moralise them3 indeed1 to refuse to accept the bet of the ,life ,assurance ,companies is now considered immoral2 a man is expected to amend on his marriage at the very latest4 ,there is a form of gambling to which ,i must myself plead guilty4 ,a forlorn1 shabby creature1 pathetically spruced up1 arrives from a ten-mile tramp4 ,he has been a journalist or a poet1 but owing to this or that he is on his beam-ends4 ,he has eaten nothing for two days4 ,his wife is dying1 his children are weeping for food4 ,his voice breaks beautifully as he tells me ,i am his last hope4 ,what is to be done8 ,according to ,charles ,lamb1 the solution is to give1 to give always4 ,for either the man is in need and speaks truth1 or he is a liar and therefore a consummate actor4 ,we pay for stage representations3 why deny our obolus to the histrionics of the beggar8 ,so artistic a make up1 an elocution with such moving notes of pathos1 surely deserve our tribute4 ,nay 7and this ,elia forgot to note71 the beggar-actor is frequently the author of his own piece2 that consistent argument1 those tragical episodes1 those touches of nature1 that minute detail1 all are his4 ,for my part1 this view does not touch me2 ,i scarcely ever pay for the play1 so ,i expect even the beggar to perform to me as to one of the press4 ,if ,i give to beggars1 it is purely from the gambling spirit4 ,what are the odds against the man being a scamp8 ,if they are short1 or if the betting is level1 ,i incline to the side of mercy4 ,the money is of so much more consequence to him than to me1 if the beggar is genuine1 that the speculation is well warranted4 ,i know how wrong it is from the point of view of the ,charity ,organization ,society1 but ,i am a man1 not a bureau of beneficence4 ,few of us1 ,i fancy1 escape this godly gambling4 ,how ill ,society is ordered6 ,we pay poor rates and support hospitals and orphan asylums2 but is there any thinking man who can banquet with the assurance that nobody is starving8 ,it spoils the dinner of ,dives to meditate on the longings of ,lazarus1 and this is the true skeleton at the feast4 ,the business of philanthropy seems but a mockery1 and ,government takes charitable toll from us without pacifying our consciences4 ,there is something rotten in the state of ,denmark4 ,cannot the intellect of man devise a means of guaranteeing the deserving poor against starvation8 ,novel-reading is the woman's substitute for gambling--the thing that takes her outside her narrow circle of interests4 ,her ravenous appetite for new novels is amazing2 children are not so gluttonous of cream-tarts4 ,to supply this demand sequestered spinsters in suburban or rustic bowens sit spinning the woof and warp of life as it never was on sea or land4 ,bound goes the wheel1 to and fro glides the shuttle1 and the long1 endless pattern unwinds itself in all its wealth of imaginative device and all its glory of fanciful colour4 ,poor things6 ,what are they to do8 ,they have not the means to study the life they depict2 they cannot mix in the circles they describe4 ,fortunately their ignorance is their salvation2 the pretty patterns please the young ladies1 the brave notes of colour set them a-dreaming4 ,and now in the revolt against the three-volume novel these simple scribblers are to be swept away2 the country parcels will know them no more1 and the three-deckers they built of yore will be dismantled in the dry dock of the fourpenny box4 ,poor creatures6 ,some will take to typewriting and some to drink1 some will be driven to the workhouse and some to literature4 ,,ix ,,truly ,,rural ,,engineer ,,and ,,surveyor',s ,,department4 #e #f ,wm4 ,,iv41 cap4 #ej1 sect4 #fe4 ,,sir1 ,i am directed to call your attention to the present condition of trees within your premises1 which now overhang the public footpath adjoining1 and thereby cause considerable inconvenience to the public4 ,i shall be glad if you will kindly give the matter your best attention1 with a view to lopping or cutting the trees in such a manner as to obviate the inconvenience at present complained of4 ,yours obediently1 ,p4 ,,leonardo ,,macready1 ,engineer to the ,board4 ,amid the cosmopolitan medley of letters on my metropolitan breakfast-table--the long and formal-looking1 the fat and foreign1 and the over-scrawled and the underpaid 7the last mainly requests for autographs7--this delightful home-grown epistle came with refreshing piquancy4 ,it brought a breath of summer into the grey chillness of a ,london winter1 a suggestion of rustling foliage about the chandelier1 and the scent of the hay over the gaslights4 ,my dear6 ,i exclaimed to the partner of my bosom 7a tame white rat that likes to perch there71 ,have we any trees8 ,my partner gave a little plaintive squeak4 ,that is her idea of conversation4 ,she screams at everything4 ,she would scream at the sight of a mouse4 ,i pushed away my plate4 ,i had sat down hungry as a hunter1 and had had two helpings of everything2 but now ,i could eat no more4 ,excitement had taken away my appetite4 ,the prospect of rural discoveries agitated me4 ,i hastened to the window and looked at the front garden4 ,to my astonishment and joy there was vegetation in it4 ,there was a dwarf evergreen bush and a fragment of vine stretching itself sleepily1 and a tall thin tree--they might all have got comfortably into one bed1 but they had been planted in three far apart1 and this gave the garden a desolate ,ramsgate-in-winter air of ,beds to let4 ,the tall thin tree was absolutely naked1 without an inch of foliage to cover its wooden limbs2 a mere mass of dry sticks4 ,i looked hard at the tree to see where it offended1 determined to pluck it out4 ,but it returned my gaze with the stolidity of conscious innocence--it held up its wooden arms in deprecation4 ,i re-read ,mr4 ,p4 ,leonardo ,macready's letter4 ,which now overhang the public footpath6 ,ah6 that was what was the matter with my trees4 ,it was raining1 but ,i am an ,englishman and the law is sacred1 and ,i went outside into the public highway and looked at the tall thin tree from the new point of view4 ,sure enough--very far up--there was a bough overhanging the public footpath4 ,i looked up at it and shook my fist menacingly1 but it waved its twigs in response with an irritating amiability4 ,i began to understand what an annoyance it must be to have a bough up there that you couldn't flick at with your stick as you passed by1 and that even when weighed down by its summer greenery would bemock you if you made a casual clutch at its foliage1 and laugh at you in its leaves4 ,i went inside and returned with a step-ladder and an umbrella and a carving-knife1 and ,i stood on the summit of the ladder and made abortive slashes at space with my right hand1 while the open umbrella in my left made equally abortive efforts to soar with me skywards4 ,after nearly stabbing the partner of my bosom ,i went in1 both of us wet like drowned rats1 and as ,i settled myself again to coffee and correspondence1 ,i could not help wishing that ,chang1 the ,chinese giant1 had remained alive to triumph over my tantalising trees4 ,nor could ,i help wishing that the activity of the local engineers and surveyors had been directed by ,his ,gracious ,majesty ,king ,william ,,iv4 into quite a contrary channel4 ,william1 spare that tree1 ,touch not a single bough2 ,if you had planted three1 ,they would protect me now4 ,if1 instead of being requested to amputate a beautiful overhanging arm of foliage1 every citizen of ,london were served with a notice to plant a tree in front of his demesne1 the face of the great stony city would be transformed4 ,it would become a rus in urbe4 ,why not8 ,everybody knows what the late ,duke of ,devonshire made of ,eastbourne2 and the beauty of ,bournemouth is mainly an affair of trees4 ,why should we not walk under the boughs of ,oxford ,street8 ,what law of nature or ,william ,,iv4 ordains an eternal divorce between shops and trees8 ,why should one not hear the birds sing in the ,strand as well as in the ,inns of ,court8 ,let us have trees instead of lamp-posts--with electric lights twinkling from their leaves4 ,already there are ,london streets quite well-wooded4 ,even in the ,whitechapel ,road it is possible to read-- ,a book of verses underneath a bough2 but ,i shall not be content till ,matthew ,arnold's exquisite quatrain comes literally true of ,london-- ,roses that down the alleys shine afar1 ,and open jasmine-muffled lattices1 ,and groups under the dreaming garden-trees1 ,and the full moon and the white evening star4 ,it might be well if we could transplant to our more prosaic city ways the beautiful old custom of planting a tree on the birth of a child4 ,it is true that ladies might object to having their age recorded by the growth of rings on the trunk2 but then they could easily pass the tree on to an elder sister when they got beyond the average wedding-ring age4 ,besides1 people would quickly forget whose birth it marked1 and the town trees would soon become anonymous4 ,i would therefore suggest the formation of a tree-planting party1 pledged not to support any candidate for ,parliament who would not vote for the ruralisation of the ,metropolis4 ,to the ,home ,rule of ,mr4 ,gladstone1 with his weakness for cutting down trees1 must be opposed ,home ,ruralisation4 ,what a fine platform cry--a truly rural ,london6--with the unique advantage of being unpronounceable by demagogues in drink4 ,the poor would welcome the policy as a boon4 ,they are not by any means so unpoetical as ,gissing would make out4 ,only the other day a baby was found buried in a window flower-box2 which is practically the idea of ,keats' ,isabella1 or the ,pot of ,basil1 an idea which was itself a graft from the stock of ,boccaccio4 ,if the parish dignitaries became thus associated in our minds with the ,beautiful instead of with bills and blue papers1 one might be able to whip up some enthusiasm for the civic life1 and contemplate even income-tax schedules with a ,platonic or ,aristotelian rapture4 ,it is not everybody who can rhapsodise with ,mr4 ,bernard ,shaw or the ,fabian ,society over sewer rates1 and find in the contemplation of communal gas and water something of the inspiration and ecstasy that the late ,professor ,tyndall found in the thought of the conservation of energy4 ,in firing us to local patriotism by the example of provincial cities1 the enthusiast does not allow sufficiently for the size of ,london4 ,it swallows us all up2 there are twenty provincial cities in its maw3 it is not a city1 but a province4 ,we cannot rouse ourselves to an interest in ,brixton and ,camberwell1 in ,poplar and ,highbury4 ,there is no glory in being a dweller in so amorphous a city1 whose motley floating population is alone sufficient to stock a town2 there can be no sense of brotherhood in meeting a ,londoner abroad1 still less a ,middlesex or ,surrey man4 ,devonians may feast off junkets and cream1 in touching fellowship1 and the hearts of ,edinburgh men stir with common memories of ,princes ,street2 but a ,cockney1 who has far more to be proud of1 is overwhelmed into apathy4 ,it is only in a compact city that one can develop that sense of special belonging which ,george ,eliot contends is at the root of so many virtues4 ,i might just as well be taxed to beautify ,dublin as ,canonbury1 for all the difference it would make in my grumblings4 ,and if our city is too large to inspire us1 our parish is too small4 ,and so to most of us1 ,i fear1 parochialism is a bore4 ,theoretically1 we know that the parish we live in is greater than many a provincial town4 ,we know that we ought to take an interest in its history1 and be proud of its great men4 ,but somehow1 despite ,mr4 ,frederic ,harrison1 our suburb leaves us cold4 ,our real life does not centre about our own parish at all4 ,we circle about the great thoroughfares that radiate from ,charing ,cross1 and the pivot of our lives is ,piccadilly4 ,born to the ,metropolis1 we cannot narrow our minds to a district1 nor to parish give up what was meant for ,london4 ,we refuse to become provincials4 ,we do not even know that we boast of a ,town ,hall1 till we are compelled to attend and show cause why we have not paid the rates1 or any part thereof1 the same having been lawfully demanded4 ,if there are any other great men in the neighbourhood1 we do not know their addresses4 ,they are shy and retiring4 ,it is only the retired who are not shy4 ,that sort of great man comes forth in his tens4 ,he has been a butcher1 a baker1 or a candlestick maker1 and he is--a bore4 ,once he solicited your patronage1 to-day he solicits your vote4 ,having given up making profits1 he now wishes to make by-laws1 and finds a gleam of his old delight in sending out heavy bills to the neighbourhood4 ,you get a list of him1 which policemen announce their intention of calling for4 ,you are asked to decide among a column of him1 uniformly obscure1 but divided invidiously enough into tradesmen and gentlemen4 ,who compiled this list or nominated these gentlemen and tradesmen1 you have not the ghost of a notion4 ,they are sprung upon you as imperiously and mysteriously as their own demand-notes4 ,you look down the column and make random crosses by the wayside4 ,you select a sanitary engineer in preference to an undertaker1 forgetting that he is the deadlier of the two1 and you vote for your retired wine-dealer to prevent him going back into business4 ,but most of the names convey nothing to you1 and give you the sensation of a donkey between two heaps of straw1 or of a straw between two heaps of donkeys4 ,and having thus exercised that high ,english privilege1 for which you would shed your blood if it were taken away1 you are content for the rest of the year to grumble at the doings of your representatives4 ,it does not occur to you that public duty calls upon you to comprehend the parochial mysteries and solicit the parochial dignities4 ,they seem too petty for a man of any stature--a sort of small beer for babes and sucklings4 ,may it not be that the voice of public duty1 when it calls upon you to be a citizen and a parishioner1 calls with too piping a voice8 ,there is no rousing note1 nothing of the resonance of a clarion call4 ,a suggestion of poverty and the workhouse clings to everything parochial1 something of drab and joyless4 ,is there no way of infusing colour into this depressing greyness1 a martial timbre into this anaemic note8 ,if we are to pay the piper let us hear him4 ,let the tax-collector go his rounds at the head of a brass band1 playing patriotic airs4 ,let brocaded standard-bearers raise aloft a banner with the soul-stirring insignia1 ,england expects every man to pay his duty4 ,let the hollow roll of the drum thrill the dull suburban street1 and animate the areas of semi-detached villas4 ,no longer shall the devil and ,general ,booth have all the good tunes1 and the ragged rearguard of urchins keeping time with their bare feet shall follow the drum to the surer and saner goal of civic salvation4 ,the music of the streets will become a joy instead of a terror1 and ,english performers will find a new market4 ,see paterfamilias prick up his ears as the distant strains of national music impinge upon his tympanum1 see his heart heaving his shirt-front with patriotic ardour1 while1 with a joyous cry ,the ,collectors are coming1 hurrah1 hurrah6 he rushes to his cheque-book as the soldier rushes to arms4 ,is he not serving his country as much as the soldier1 and without pay--or even discount8 ,nay1 why should the idea of patriotic duty be so emphatically connected with the shedding of blood1 and all the pomp and pageantry reserved for the profession of ,destruction8 ,why should not the lifeboat be launched1 or the coal dug1 or the drain-pipe laid1 or the taxes paid1 to a musical accompaniment1 and under the shadow of the national flag8 ,great is the power of the ,symbol3 for a few inches of rag at elevenpence three-farthings a yard 7warranted not to shrink7 men will give their lives4 ,and greater still is the power of music4 ,dear to the ,london housemaid1 ,the fife of fusilier1 ,and to the ,cockney urchin ,the drum of ,booth is dear2 ,sweet sounds the barrel-organ ,where'er the cits parade2 ,but the dearest of all music ,the ,tax-,collectors played4 ,you will be glad to hear that scarcely had this grumble appeared in print when ,i saw a procession that made me think ,birnam wood had come to ,dunsinane4 ,soon either pavement was planted with ready-made trees1 all a-blowing and a-growing4 ,if it had happened in the night1 ,i should have rubbed my eyes and imagined some good genius had transported me to the ,boulevards4 ,i hastened to place a little guridon outside the garden gate1 and to decorate it with glasses of absinthe and vermouth2 but a gendarme came along and asked me to move on4 ,x ,,opinions ,,of ,,the ,,young ,,fogey ,when ,i first met the ,young ,fogey ,i thought him very brilliant4 ,his philosophical pose1 too1 of combining the caution of age with the daring of youth was fascinating4 ,i have evolved1 he used to say4 ,once ,i would not attach sanctity to ideas because they were old3 now ,i attach no sanctity to ideas because they are new4 ,but ,i soon discovered that the ,young ,fogey was one of that large class of persons who do not evolve but revolve1 whose brilliancy is that of the fixed star4 ,they give out arrestive thoughts1 and you are vastly impressed1 but on longer acquaintance1 or on returning to them after an interval1 you find that it is they who have been arrested by their thoughts4 ,such persons do not last you more than one or two years3 they require a succession of new audiences to keep up their reputation1 like a witty play1 which all the world goes to see in turn1 but which it would be deucedly dull to see night after night1 year in1 year out4 ,the cleverest of them know this need of new ears1 and of making provincial and foreign tours when they have exhausted ,london4 ,but when the ,young ,fogey chanced upon me drinking lager beer at the ,austrian ,derby1 during a tedious interval between the races1 he was probably confused by the distance from ,piccadilly into a sense of originality1 and perceiving a couple of books on my table3 ,what6 do you read the books you review8 he asked in feigned astonishment2 adding1 with an impromptu air1 ,i always write the books ,i review4 ,criticism of other people is waste of time4 ,an artist who is worth his salt knows his value better than anybody else2 and an artist who is not worth his salt is not worth your criticism1 and will learn nothing from it in any case4 ,there is immeasurably too much book-making1 as it is4 ,but criticism tends to keep down book-making1 ,i observed meekly4 ,quite the contrary4 ,criticism encourages it4 ,most books are not read4 ,who can possibly read ninety-nine of the worst hundred books published every week8 ,if they were not even criticised1 the writers would shut up their inkstands4 ,publicity is their aim1 but publication does not supply it4 ,most publishers are rather privateers4 ,it is the critics who supply fame to fools4 ,it's even worse with plays4 ,why should every trumpery farce that can get itself badly produced by a moneyless manager who decamps the day after1 be allotted a space in every morning1 evening1 and weekly newspaper1 ,fame blowing simultaneously a hundred trumps8 ,my greatest book never got half as much notice as a wretched little curtain-raiser which took me a morning to knock off1 and the news of which was flashed from ,china to ,peru immediately1 whereas the eulogies of my book were dribbled out in monthly instalments1 and belated testimonials kept straggling in long after its successor had been published4 ,in those days ,i belonged to a ,press-cutting ,agency1 and ,i discovered that--to measure ,fame by the square inch--you may get many more yards of reputation by the most flippant playlet than by your literary magnum opus2 to say nothing of the pictures and interviews of your actors and actresses4 ,that your silliest player--especially if it be a pretty she--gets photographed in the papers sixteen times to your once1 goes without saying4 ,the only real recipe for ,fame nowadays is to be a pretty girl and exhibit yourself publicly4 ,the modern editor has got it into the paste-brush he calls his head that the public is infinitely greedy for the minutest theatrical details4 ,it is really too idiotic1 this fuss over our parrots4 ,if there were only plays for them to talk6 ,the decline of the ,british drama---- ,by which you mean that they decline your plays1 ,i interrupted4 ,granted1 said the ,young ,fogey2 but even when they give us ,shakespeare1 they play the patron1 and literary critics argue deferentially with them as to the treatment of the text1 and beg them not to put ,william's head under the pump4 ,did you see that monumental headline in the ',daily ,chronicle1' the paper that poses as the organ of sweetness and light8-- ',,mr4 ,,tree',s ,,new ,,play4 ',henry ,,iv4 ,at ,the ,haymarket4' ,so ,mr4 ,tree 'created' ,falstaff in more than the conventional sense of that arrogant stage-verb6 ,act8 ,anybody can act6 ,we're all acting1 always1 in every phase of our social life4 ,every back drawing-room is a theatre royal4 ,a child can act1 and the 'infant phenomenon' cannot be distinguished from the leading lady or gentleman except by size4 ,but no child ever wrote a play4 ,acting is the lowest of the arts4 ,and even if it were the highest1 it would be brought low again by its infinite self-repetition4 ,imagine playing one part for a season1 a year1 a decade4 ,actors are not even parrots--they are automatic puppets that move their limbs in fixed fashions1 and make squeaking sounds at prescribed moments4 ,there was a ,french ,minister of ,education who drew up a most rigid ,time-,code1 which hung in his bureau2 and it was the joy of his life to take out his watch and say ',half-past three6 ,ha6 every boy in ,france is now learning geography'2 or1 ',a quarter to twelve6 ,ha6 every ,french schoolgirl is now writing in a copy-book4' ,i have the same sort of feeling about my actor-acquaintances4 ',half-past nine8 ,ah6 ,what is ,herbert doing8 ,he is taking poison4' ',a quarter to eleven6 ,dear me6 ,rose is crawling under a table4' ,and these creatures want every privilege1 forsooth6 ,fame1 gold1 champagne1 the best society and the worst4 ,to be of ,bohemia and ,belgravia1 to make the best of both worlds4 ,if things don't mend1 to sit in a stall will soon become an index of imbecility4 ,it will be like being seen at the ,academy4 ,and1 talking of the ,academy1 did ever any more infantile idea enter the human brain than that a couple of thousand pictures worth seeing can be painted every year8 ,why1 since the beginning of the world there haven't been two thousand pictures painted worth seeing6 ,imagine two thousand manuscript novels being scattered around on two thousand desks1 a shilling admission6 ,do we get one good novel a year8 ,scarcely4 ,one good symphony or opera8 ,of course not4 ,then why expect to get a picture worth hanging8 ,and every picture should hang by itself--it's an artistic entity1 self-complete4 ,to crowd it among a lot of others is like conducting an orchestra every instrument of which is playing a different tune4 ',t isn't even as if the poor painters got anything out of the show4 ,people won't buy pictures--prices are monstrously inflated to an artificial point3 the artists would take less1 only they don't like to come down from their pedestal1 and so they starve up there in dignity4 ,artists have played a foolish game4 ,they have gone nap on gentility and high prices1 and gentility has failed them4 ,when great prices are given for pictures1 it is generally with a view to selling them again3 a dubious compliment to the artist4 ,no man gets a thousand pounds' worth of pure art joy out of any picture4 ,he can spend his thousand pounds to much more of aesthetic advantage4 ,but there is no inherent sacredness in prices4 ,a picture is worth only what it will fetch4 ,let our artists be satisfied with a fair day's wage for a fair day's work1 like any other species of craftsman4 ,after all1 they were all craftsmen--,michael ,angelo1 ,titian1 ,donatello1 ,canova--wall-decorators1 door-painters1 ceiling-colourers1 tomb-builders1 stone-masons1 working to contract and to measure4 ,when our artists are content with the pay of manual labourers and the joy of art1 taste may be stimulated in the masses1 and original work be going at the price of lithographs4 ,why shouldn't artists even paint public-house signs8 ,beer being the national religion1 why shouldn't it find adequate expression in ,art8 ,not that it matters much whether our artists live or die1--,art seems about over4 ,it seems to be an accident that happened once or twice in the ,past1--among the ,greeks1 at the ,renaissance1 in ,spain1 in ,holland1--which no amount of art-schools and art-publications can coax back4 ,to found ,academies and ,r4,a4-ships is to spur a dead horse4 ,look at the ,greek sculptures1 look at the ,italian pictures1 and ask yourself what we have to put beside them after all our endless exhibitions6 ,modern improvements6 ,plein air6 ,bah6 ,where can you show me more 'atmosphere' than in ,carpaccio1 or in ,jacques d',arthois4 ,impressionism8 ,look at that snow-effect by old ,van ,valckenborch here6 ,but we do the modern1 the contemporary1 you cry---- ,no1 ,i don't1 ,i interrupted feebly1 more to let him take breath than for the jest's sake4 ,but he ignored the opportunity4 ,but they've all done the contemporary6 ,only their contemporary1 not yours4 ,the fallacy almost amounts to an ,irish bull4 ,the ancients were the moderns--to themselves--just as we shall be the ancients to our successors4 ,the ,renaissance people all did contemporary work1 under pretence of doing historical3 contemporary types for ,madonnas1 local landscapes for ,oriental scenery1 up-to-date dresses for ,new ,testament episodes1 portraits of their patrons for patron-saints and apostles4 ,did you ever see a more modern figure than ,tintoretto's portrait of himself1 the elderly man in a frock-coat who looks on at his own wonderful picture of ,st4 ,mark descending to rescue a ,christian slave8 ,an ,academician or a new ,english ,art ,clubbite who had done only one tiny corner of this picture would so swell as to the head that his laurel-wreath wouldn't fit him any longer4 ,there's no ambition nowadays--,degas1 ,whistler1 yes4 ,but for the rest--dwarfs4 ,modern improvements indeed6 ,science may improve1 but not art4 ,art1 like religion1 is an absolute in life--nobody will ever paint better than ,velasquez1 write better than ,shakespeare1 or pray better than the ,psalmist4 ,science is the variable--always on the go2 and when we think of progress it is just as well that we foolishly keep our eye on the machine-room4 ,won't you have a drink8 ,i broke in1 seizing the first opportunity4 ,thanks6 ,what's that book8 ',olympia's ,journal'6 ,it's all about ,olympia's husband1 she married him to write about him--he was such 'good copy4' ,i had unchained a torrent4 ,novelists ought never to be introduced into novels1 burst forth the ,young ,fogey4 ,the subject-matter of novelists is real normal life1 and novelists are neither real nor normal4 ,they are monsters whose function in life is to observe other people's lives4 ,for one novelist to make copy of another is like cannibalism4 ,if the psychology of the novelist1 who is the student of other people's psychology1 is to be studied1 where are you to stop8 ,why not study the peculiarities of the novelist who studies the novelist1 of the reflector of life who reflects the reflector of life--nay1 of the critic who reflects upon the reflection of the reflector8 ,this modern mania for picking ourselves to pieces is only the old childish desire 'to see the wheels go wound4' ,people were much better in the old days when they didn't bother so much how their wheels went round4 ,i always sympathised with the indignant old lady who came to my schoolmaster when our class began to take up physiology1 and protested that she wasn't going to have her boy learn what was in his inside--it was indecent4 ,people are not made healthier by knowing how their functions work2 animals never study physiology1 and plants blossom without knowing anything at all about anything4 ,knowledge only generates a morbid fussiness1 as with ,mr4 ,jerome's celebrated ,cockney who discovered himself to be possessed of every ailment in the medical dictionary except housemaid's knee4 ,and to learn what is in your mental inside is equally indecent and equally discomposing4 ',i have never thought about thinking1' said the wise ,goethe4 ,no one can go through a treatise on insanity and come out as sane as he started4 ,and there is an even more insidious way in which this human vivisection operates for evil4 ,people now forgive their friends--they call their eccentricities 'pathological1' and endure instead of discouraging them4 ,i had two letters this very morning4 ',poor ,a6' said ,b43 'his vanity has ceased to offend me--,i feel it is pathological4' ',poor ,b6' said ,a43 'it is impossible to resent his egotism--it is simply pathological4' ,this scientific ,christianity wouldn't be so bad if people didn't condone their own faults1 too4 ,they can't get up early--it's heredity4 ,the early bird who caught the worm must have had a grandparent who stayed out late4 ,are they lazy8 ,their uncle was a country parson4 ,they are like the man who refused to give charity because he had such expensive tastes4 ,to acquiesce in your own weaknesses because they are hereditary1 without making an effort to eradicate them1 is bad science as well as bad morals4 ,among the items given you by heredity do not forget the potentiality of self-improvement by inward struggle4 ,no one says1 ',i can't speak ,french1 and ,i sha'n't try1 because my father was an illiterate ,irishman4' ,self-knowledge tends to weaken self-discipline1 foster self-indulgence1 and corrode character4 ,but what of the old ,greek maxim ',know thyself'8 ,old ,greek sophistry6 ,knowing requires a subject to know and an object to be known4 ,you can't be subject and object too--introspection is a self-contradiction4 ,hasn't every one noticed that everybody else fails to discover himself in a novel or a sermon1 though his lineaments are painted down to the minutest details of wart and mole8 ,and it's quite natural4 ,every soul is to itself the centre of the universe--through which the infinite panorama passes2 nothing exists but in relation to it3 to its standards of beauty1 of right and wrong1 of humour1 of admiration1 everything is brought4 ,there's no man so low or so ridiculous but he finds somebody else more so1 and the ,london street-boy who sneers at the long-haired poet is exalted to a sense of superiority4 ,i once met a human monstrosity--hunch-backed1 cross-eyed1 palsied1 and wooden-legged4 ,my soul sickened with pity1 but his face brightened in a smile of contempt and his cross-eyes danced with glee4 ,i appealed to his sense of the ridiculous4 ,listen to the comments of people upon one another after a party1 and confess that a coterie is often but a mutual contempt society4 ,that is what makes life livable--every living creature is an amused eye upon the universe4 ,terence said as much long ago4 ,we amuse one another1 and exist to gratify one another's sense of superiority1 like the islanders who live by taking in one another's washing4 ,it will be a thousand pities if the spread of travelling removes the mutual superiorities of ,englishmen and ,frenchmen1 ,chinamen and ,hindoos4 ,i went to a dinner-party the other day4 ,the host and hostess were impossible--like spiteful studies by ,thackeray caricatured by ,dickens4 ,yet there were they arrogating to themselves every privilege of judgment and jurisdiction that the most fashionable peers or the sublimest souls could claim2 to their own minds the arbiters of elegance1 the patrons of the arts1 the flagellators of vice and snobbery1 the gracious laudators of virtue1 the easy fomenters of scandal4 ,prithee1 was ever one of us capable of not lecturing on ethics or not preaching a sermon8 ,did not ,sir ,barnes ,newcome lecture on the ,family8 ,do we not all hold forth on the condition of the poor1 the morality of the mining-market2 the inferior ethics of the coloured races1 and a hundred other lofty topics1 warming our coat-tails at the glow of our own virtue8 ',t is the fault of language which enables arrant scoundrels to use fine words that they have never felt4 ,humility1 self-sacrifice1 noble-mindedness1 are phrases easily picked up by people for whom their only meaning is in the dictionary1 and who know it is the correct thing to admire them4 ,they are like students of chemistry who babble of ,h#b,,so#d and ,,nh#c by book without ever having seen a laboratory or a retort1 or tone-deaf people raving over ,beethoven4 ,and these lip-servants of virtue are unconscious that they have never known the real thing4 ,every discussion between civilised persons presupposes moral perfection all round--a common elevated platform from which one surveys the age and its problems1 and considers how to bring the world at large up to one's own level4 ,you cannot discuss anything with a person who has ever been publicly imperfect--at any point you may tread on his corns4 ,has he been bankrupt8 ,the slightest reference to honesty1 finance1 or business may seem an insult4 ,has he figured in the ,divorce ,court8 ,how are you to talk about the last new play without seeming personal8 ,this explains why exposed persons are cut3 they have made conversation impossible by cutting away the common ground of it1 the hypothesis of perfection4 ,even with persons who have merely lost relatives one has to be careful to avoid references to mortality4 ,the complete diner-out has to be equipped with a knowledge of his fellows to the third and fourth generation1 so as to avoid giving offence4 ,to say that late marriages are a mistake or second marriages a folly may be to make enemies for life4 ,which1 by the way1 is absurd3 all conversation should be regarded as privileged and impersonal4 ',t is brain meeting brain1 not foot treading gingerly among irrelevant personal considerations4 ,and just as we are all willing to preach1 we are all willing to be preached at--it gives us such an opportunity of gauging the preacher's morality and ability4 ,the ,scotch peasants who denounce their meenister's orthodoxy are an extreme case1 but if we were not really judging our judges we should go to opposition churches4 ,what we demand from preaching--as from newspapers--is an echo of our own voices1 and when the preacher or the newspaper leads it is only by pretending to follow4 ,opportunity makes the politician4 ,watch the crowd streaming out of church after a sermon4 ,do they wear an air of edification or humiliation8 ,are they bowed down with the consciousness of their backslidings8 ,no3 they are aesthetes come from a literary and oratorical performance4 ,they are not thinking of themselves at all1 but of the quality of the sermon4 ,yes1 around each of us the world turns1 and each soul is the hub of the universe4 ,popular suffrage is the recognition of this great fact3 not one of us but is competent to arrange the affairs of the country4 ,every man ,jack and woman ,jill is a standard1 a test1 an imperial weight and measure1 and the universe must endure our verdict as it goes round us4 ,to expect this central standard to turn back on itself and become aware of its own defects and distortions is like expecting a pair of scales to weigh itself2 or--more absurd still--expecting a false pair of scales to weigh itself truly4 ',all men think all men mortal but themselves1' and so all men find all men wanting except themselves4 ,if they ever for a moment suspect that they are not perfect--whether the suspicion leak in through reflection or reprobation--'t is but for a moment4 ,we cannot live on bad terms with ourselves1 nor with a consciousness which doubts and despises us--whether it be our own consciousness or a friend's4 ,our nature throws up earthworks against a contemptuous opinion4 ,just as a bodily wound is repaired by the wonderful normal processes of circulation and nutrition1 so our self-love tends to repair the wounds of the soul4 ,we feel that even if we are not perfect1 we are as perfect as possible under the circumstances4 ,if so-and-so and so-and-so had had to go through our sufferings or our temptations1 he or she would have acted no better4 ,and even in our wildest remorse we are self-satisfied with our self-dissatisfaction4 ,nor is this need of our nature for self-reconcilement wholly without spiritual significance4 ,it points to an incurable morality in the human soul1 and to the truth that if we mainly use our ideals to condemn other people by1 we are bound to condemn ourselves by them if we can once be got to perceive that we have violated them ourselves1 though we at once seek peace in extenuating circumstances4 ,peace of mind is the homage which vice pays to virtue4 ,nor1 though it matters immensely to society what ideals people have1 and that they have the right ones1 to the people themselves it matters only that they have ideals1 right or wrong4 ,where there is honour among thieves1 a thief may have a fine sense of self-respect4 ,plato agrees with you1 said ,i4 ,he points out that if thieves were utter scoundrels they could not act in concert4 ,ah6 said the ,young ,fogey1 ,plato was a great thinker4 ,in truth1 the only incorrigible rogue is he who is devoid of ideals1 who has allowed his ethical nature to disintegrate4 ,such a one ceases to be a person4 ,he has lost the integrating factor--the moral--which binds human personality together4 ,he is a mere aggregation of random impulses4 ,the last stage of moral decay is impersonality4 ,impersonality sums up 'the daughters of joy1' with their indifference to aught but the moment4 ,but it is wonderful what shreds of personality1 what tags and rags of the ideal1 the most degraded may retain4 ,was there ever a soul that did not think some one action beneath its dignity8 ,an absolutely unscrupulous person is a contradiction in terms4 ,to be unscrupulous were to cease to be a person1 to have become a bundle of instincts and impulses4 ,but no one is so good or so bad as he appears4 ,the chronicler of the ',book of ,snobs' was himself a bit of a snob1 and the poet who sought for the spiritual where ,thackeray had looked for the snobbish1 who bade us note ,all the world's coarse thumb ,and finger failed to plumb1 ,so passed in making up the main account2 ,all instincts immature1 ,all purposes unsure1 ,that weighed not as his work1 yet swelled the man's amount1 was almost as weak as the satirist in that respect for titles and riches which is the veritable 'last infirmity of noble minds4' ,still1 ,browning's is the truer view of human life1 and till we see our neighbours as ,omniscience sees them1 our kindest and cruellest estimates will be equally wide of the mark4 ,and conversely1 unless you develop a personality1 you cannot be moral1 or even immoral4 ,you can be social or anti-social--that is1 your actions can make for the good or the ill of society4 ,but moral or immoral it is not given to everybody to be4 ,for ,i do not agree with those who would substitute social and anti-social for those ancient adjectives4 ,we are concerned with the quality of acts as well as with their effects1 with the soul as well as its environment4 ,and it takes a real live soul to do good or evil4 ,that is the point of ,mr4 ,kipling's ,tomlinson--a mere bundle of hearsays--who could win neither hell nor heaven4 ,it is also the teaching of ,ibsen4 ,you must not shrink from wrong because you are told it is wrong1 but because you see it is wrong4 ,but few people can expect to develop a personality of their own4 ,current morality is the automatic application of misunderstood principles4 ,and so it must always be4 ,for the function of the average man is to obey4 ,was it not ,napoleon who said that men are meant either to lead or to obey1 and those who can do neither should be killed off8 ,ethics is the conscience of the best regulating the conduct of the worst4 ,hence there are no immutable rules of morality3 ,for the wildest dreams of ,kew are the facts of ,khatmandoo1 ,and the crimes of ,clapham chaste at ,martaban4 ,but there are immutable principles4 ,to spit in a guest's face is with some savage tribes a mark of respect4 ,but this does not invalidate the principle that to guests should be shown courtesy4 ,rules vary with time and place1 principles are eternal2 and even if unmentionable things are done in ,africa and ,polynesia1 if 'the dark places of the earth are full of cruelty1' that does not invalidate the principles of morality1 as our modern blood-and-thunder young man affects to believe4 ,for that the principles of right and justice have not yet been discovered in barbarous countries no more destroys their universality and legitimacy than the principles of the differential calculus are affected by the primitive practice of counting on the fingers4 ,and while the ethical geniuses--the senior wranglers of the soul--are groping towards further truths and finer shades of feeling1 deeper reaches of pity and subtler perceptions of justice1 the rank and file and the wooden spoons must needs apply the old ethics1 even against the new teachers themselves4 ,every truth has to fight for recognition1 to prove itself not a lie4 ,the brilliant and impatient young men who scoff at conventions because the people who hold them are unreal--not persons1 feeling and passing moral truths through their own soul1 but parrots--forget that just because the people are unreal1 their maxims are real2 that they do not represent the people who mouth them1 but the great moralists and thinkers behind4 ,against the brilliant rushlights of contemporary cleverness shine the stars of the ages4 ',t is the immemorial mistake of iconoclasts--even granted they are taller than their fellow-men--to be ever conscious of the extra inches1 instead of the common feet4 ,nevertheless 7and here the ,young ,fogey put on his most judicial manner7 the extra inches must tell4 ,for because real ethics resides not in rules but in principles1 obedience to the letter may mean falsity to the spirit1 if the circumstances that dictated the rules have changed4 ,this is not casuistry4 ',t is a concept not to be found in ,panaetius or ,cicero or the ,jesuit ,fathers4 ,it means that we are not to wear our boyhood's waistcoats1 but to be measured for manhood's4 ,tight-lacing is bad for the spiritual circulation4 ',get rid of the ,hebrew old clo'1 cried that curious ,carlyle1 the chief dealer in them4 ,amen1 say ,i3 but do not let us therefore go naked4 ,and since we have stumbled upon ',sartor ,resartus1' permit me a comparison in keeping4 ,i once saw a tailor measuring the boys in a charity school4 ,he drew a chalk line five feet up a wall1 and dividing the upper part of the line by horizontal chalk-marks1 stood the boys beside it1 one after another1 and according to the chalk-mark which the crown of the unfortunate creature's head grazed1 ,master ,snip called out ',fours1' ',ones1' ',fives4' ,fat boys or lean boys1 big-bodied or big-legged1 narrow-chested or broad-shouldered1 't was all ones--or twos--to him4 ,did they agree in height1 the same clothes--tight or loose--for all6 ,thus is it with our moral maxims4 ,genius or goose1 saint or sinner--your head to the chalk-mark6 ,and rightly4 ,when one has to deal with great masses one cannot consider little details4 ,the principles of morality must be broad and simple1 and the world is right to apply them sternly and undiscriminatingly4 ,the general cannot consider the peculiarities of a particular soldier1 though the corporal of the regiment may make allowances for him4 ,and so with breaches of morals4 ,the world at large should condemn2 but the private friends1 who know the circumstances in every petty involution1 who know the temptations and the extenuating factors1 should form as it were a court of appeal4 ,if they elected to stand by the offender1 the world at large should reconsider its verdict4 ,this is what practically took place in the ,george ,eliot and ,lewes instance4 ,weighed1 not by the steelyard of general principle1 but by the delicate chemical balance of special detail1 they were not found wanting4 ,the ,magna ,charta is still only a pious aspiration4 ',every man shall be tried by a jury of his peers4' ,how profound6 ,for only our equals can know our travails and temptations4 ,how1 now1 if we had to try ,shakespeare6 which of us would dare sit on the panel8 ,yet we 'chatter about ,shelley4' ,he did wrong--granted4 ,but was it wrong of him to do it8 ,that is another question altogether4 ,subjective morality and objective morality are two different things4 ,but the whole subject of the sexes is wrapped in hypocrisy1 and the breaches of morality are committed less by the celebrated than by the obscure4 ,the savage sarcasm of ,schopenhauer's refusal to discuss monogamy because it had never yet come within the range of practical politics is still justified4 ,i remember once reading an anecdote about a besieged town4 ,the defenders resolved to make a sortie on a certain day1 only1 in dread of their plan somehow leaking out beyond the gates1 or of their womankind dissuading some from the perilous enterprise1 they administered a solemn oath to one another that none of them should tell his wife1 nor speak of it again even to another man1 till the moment arrived4 ,but each individual man told the partner of his bosom1 only binding her by most fearsome oaths to say nothing to any other woman or man4 ,all the women kept their oaths1 each going about with the proud sense of being the only woman in the great secret4 ,and so the women all met in the market-place1 chattering about every subject on earth but that which was nearest their hearts1 and the men moved among them1 mutually silent4 ,the whole community knew the secret whereof no one spoke4 ,you perceive the parallel8 ,sex is the secret we are all in4 ,why shouldn't we talk openly8 ,why shouldn't we face facts8 ,the marriage laws should be made as flexible1 not as inflexible1 as possible4 ,why8 ,because the bad people will evade everything and the good people endure anything4 ,the bad people will break the best laws and the good people will respect the worst laws4 ,hence1 stringency squeezes the saint and lets the sinner slip4 ,harsh legislation puts a penalty on virtue3 the vicious skirt round it surreptitiously1 or are openly happy in despite of it4 ,the only thing immutable in sexual morality is the principle of regulating it with a view to the highest ends of the soul and the state3 the regulations themselves are mutable1 and we should not sacrifice too many human beings to gratify the idealism of the happily married4 ,at the same time do not suspect me of ,hilltopsy-turveydom1 which seems to me based on bad physiology and worse psychology4 ,mr4 ,grant ,allen1 man of science as he is in his spare moments1 is more like ,matthew ,arnold's ,shelley1 a beautiful and ineffectual angel beating in the void his luminous wings in vain4 ,so complex is the problem which seems to him so simple1 that it is not improbable that the present monogamy 7tempered by polygamy7 is the best of all possible arrangements4 ,this is not to belaud the present system1 any more than it is optimistic to say this is the best of all possible worlds4 ,it may be so1 but it remains a pity that no better was possible4 ,and ,mrs4 ,grundy herself seems to me as over-abused as marriage4 ,the celerity with which she became a byword1 from the moment she made her accidental appearance in ,tom ,morton's ',speed the ,plough1' shows how the popular instinct needed some such incarnation of our neighbours' opinions4 ,she stands1 the representative of the ethical level of the age1 not of fixed pruderies4 ,she is by no means the staid old soul her maligners imagine--never was there creature more changeable4 ,as we move on1 so will she move on with us4 ,once she allowed our squires to get drunk after dinner1 now she is shocked at a one-bottle man4 ,you will never shake her off1 you brilliant young gentlemen4 ,for as you established your own ethics1 she would still be there to see that your ideas were carried out4 ,granted she is a scandal-monger4 ,but scandal is the sewer-system of society3 the dirty work must be done somehow4 ,mrs4 ,grundy is your scavenger4 ,americans don't talk scandal1 but ,i fail to see how they will keep their homes clean without it4 ,the scandal-mongers may be inspired by no lofty motives1 but they make a wonderful unpaid detective force4 ,sheridan was not a philosopher4 ,ubiquitous and omniscient1 ,mrs4 ,grundy is always with you4 ,once you might have escaped her by making the grand tour1 but now she has a ,cook's circular ticket and watches you from the ,pyramids or the temples of ,japan1--especially if1 like myself1 you have the misfortune to be a celebrity4 ,the only way to escape her is to be photographed widely4 ,wasn't it ,adam ,smith who said that conscience was only the reflection in ourselves of our neighbours' opinions8 ,if we didn't value their opinions there would be no morality4 ,foreign travel makes you feel there is something in the idea4 ,who cares what a parcel of jabbering strangers think about his actions8 ,the moment you lose touch with your environment1 the moment you cease to vibrate to its nuances1 your morality is in a parlous condition4 ,better go home and sit down on the well-known couch of ,catullus1 and feel once more that people are real and life is earnest and the horizon is not its goal4 ,what is this mania for movement8 ,if you travel unintelligently you see nothing that you couldn't have seen more comfortably in a panorama--the world going round you4 ,if you travel intelligently1 you discover the relativity of all customs and ideas1 you distrust your own beliefs1 your backbone is relaxed1 your vitality snapped1 and you come home a molluscous cosmopolitan4 ,it is the same thing that happens if you travel mentally instead of by mileage--if you go in for that modern curse1 ',culture4' ,you are not meant to absorb the art and literature of foreigners and dead peoples1 fluttering like a bee from flower to flower4 ,these things were made by men for their own race and age2 they never thought of you1--you are an eavesdropper4 ,cathedrals were built for ,christians to pray in1 not for connoisseurs to gloat over4 ,you should develop along your own lines1 strong and simple1 not be a many-sided nullity4 ,the true ,englishmen are ploughmen and sailors and shopkeepers1 not culture-snobs4 ,the greatest poets in every language are those who know only their own language4 ,shakespeare and ,keats handled ,english as a million ,professors of ,poetry cooperating could never handle it4 ,the greatest ,art has always sprung from the direct pressure of the real world upon the souls of the artists4 ,to be cultured is to lose that vivid sense of the reality of the life around you1 to see it intellectually rather than to feel it intuitively4 ,hence art that is too self-conscious misses the throb of life4 ,george ,eliot failed as soon as she began to substitute intellectual concepts for the vivid impressions of early memories4 ,the moment people begin to prate about ,art1 the day of ,art is over1 and decadence is set in4 ,art should be the natural semi-unconscious enhancement of other things4 ,the speaker wishing to convince becomes artistically oratorical1 the prophet becomes artistically poetic1 the church-builder artistically architectural1 the painter of ,madonnas artistically picturesque1 the composer of prayer-chants artistically musical4 ,art was the child of ,religion1 but it has long since abandoned its mother4 ,portrait and landscape painting arose as accessories to sacred pictures2 the origin of the opera is to be sought in the ,mass2 literature developed from religious writings4 ,but gradually it was discovered that you might paint noblemen as well as sages1 and that scenery could be dissociated from the backgrounds of ,crucifixions and ,marriages at ,cana4 ,and from seeing that ,art needn't have a religious meaning or content1 men came to see that it needn't have any meaning or content at all4 ,art1 indeed1 presents possibilities of a divorce from intellect and morals of which artists have eagerly availed themselves4 ,but ,art for ,art's sake is ,dead-,sea fruit--rosy without1 ashes within4 ,socrates was not perhaps quite right in saying that the ,beautiful was the ,useful1 but it doesn't follow that the ,beautiful should be the ,useless4 ,even crockery1 cutlery1 and furniture should never be ,beautiful at the cost of utility4 ,their ,beauty should be implicated with their natural shapes1 inblent with and inseparable from their uses1 not a monstrous accretion from without4 ,the most artistic knife is the quintessence of knifehood4 ,but that is my idea of ,art for ,art's sake1 ,i interrupted1 for he had now got his second wind4 ,art has always to express the quintessence of something--be it a street1 a life1 a national movement1 a---- ,art for ,art's sake means making beautiful knives that won't cut and beautiful glasses that won't hold water1 and beautiful pictures and poems that say nothing4 ,the people who want their ,art dissociated from their morals are in danger of spiritual blight1 and inhabiting a universe of empty nothings4 ,too much self-consciousness is as sterile as too little4 ,look at these modern ,renaissances6 ,they all---- ,yes1 ,i know3 ,i have written about that1 ,i said4 ,and now there is another one1 the ,jewish4 ,have you read the plan for ',a ,jewish ,state1' by ,dr4 ,herzl1 of ,vienna8 ,no dreamer he1 but wonderfully sane1 despite his lofty conception of a moralised1 rationalised1 modern ,state4 ,too 'modern1' indeed1 this idea of ,messiah as a joint-stock company6 ,i predicted years ago we should come to that4 ,but methinks the ,doctor---- ,they are starting the ,grand ,prix1 hastily interrupted the ,young ,fogey4 ,good-bye6 ,such a delightful talk6 ,and turning his back on the horses1 he hurried off the field to lose himself and perhaps find a new pair of ,english ears among the parasols and equipages of the sunlit ,prater4 ,,xi ,,critics ,,and ,,people ,what is the critic's duty at the play8 ,does he represent ,art1 or does he represent the ,public8 ,if he represent ,art1 then he is but a refracting medium between the purveyor and the public1 which will therefore be wofully mistaken if it seek in his critiques a guide to its play-going1 as it to some extent does4 ,for while people do not always like a play because they are told it is good1 they often refrain from going to see one because they are told it is bad4 ,when ,i was a dramatic critic--a phrase that merely means ,i did not pay for my seat--nothing struck me more forcibly than the frequent discrepancy between the opinions of the audience at a premire and the opinions of the papers4 ,again and again have ,i seen an audience moved to laughter and cheers and tears by a play which the great outside public would be informed the next morning was indifferent or worse4 ,the discrepancy was sometimes explicable by claques1 which are almost as discreditable to managements as the keeping of tame critics1 who eat food out of their hand4 ,sometimes it was not professional claques1 but amateurs come to see a friend's play en masse1 and applauding out of all proportion to its merits1 not so much perhaps from friendship as from simple astonishment at finding any merits4 ,but putting aside claques1 it remains true that an audience will often heartily enjoy what a critic will heartily damn--sometimes in half a dozen papers1 your capable critic being like a six-barrelled revolver4 ,and so--often enough--the piece1 after futile efforts to masquerade in the advertisement columns in a turned garment of favourable phrases1 dies in an odour of burnt paper2 the treasury is robbed of its due returns2 and numerous worthy persons to whom it would have given boundless pleasure are deprived of their just enjoyment4 ,the obvious truth is that the public and the critics--the people who pay to see plays and the people who are paid to see plays--have different canons of criticism4 ,sometimes their judgments coincide1 but quite as frequently they disagree4 ,it is the same with popular books4 ,and the reason of this is not far to seek4 ,the critic is not only more cultured than the average playgoer1 he is more blas4 ,he knows the stock situations1 the stage tricks1 the farcical misunderstandings1 the machine-made pathos1 the dull mechanic round of repartee1 the innocent infant who intervenes in a divorce suit 7like the ,queen's ,proctor71 the misprised mother-in-law1 the bearded spinster sighing like a furnace1 the ingenuous and slangy young person of fifteen with the well-known cheek1 and the even more stereotyped personages preserved in ,mr4 ,jerome's ,stage-land4 ,they all come1 if not from ,sheffield1 from a perpetual tour in the provinces4 ,the critic knows1 too1 which plays are taken from the ,french and which from the ,english1 where the actor is gagging and when he is fluffy4 ,a good deal of the disillusionment of the scene is also his3 he knows that the hero is not young nor the heroine beautiful1 nor the villain as vicious as either4 ,how different the attitude of the occasional playgoer6 ,seeing only a tithe of the plays of the day1 he neither knows nor cares whether they repeat one another4 ,the most hackneyed device may seem brilliantly original to him1 the stalest stage trick as fresh as if just hot from the brain2 and jokes that deterred the dove from returning to the ark arride him vastly4 ,per contra1 for his unjaded imagination absolutely new scenes and dialogues have no more novelty than the comparatively aged4 ,probability or truth to life he demands not1 perfection of form were thrown away upon him4 ,his soul melts before the simplest pathos1 he is made happy by a happy ending1 and when ,momus sits on a hat he openeth his mouth and saith ,ha6 ha6 ,he is a flute upon which you may play what false notes you will4 ,in some versions of ,uncle ,tom's ,cabin he placidly accepts two ,topsies4 ,i s'pec's one growed out of t' other4 ,he hath a passion for the real as well as the ideal1 and in order to see a fire-engine1 or ,westminster ,bridge1 or a snow-storm1 he will perspire you two hours at the pit's mouth4 ,he could see them any day in the street1 but it gives him wondrous joy to see them in their wrong places4 ,how absurd1 then1 for the average critic to be play-taster to the occasional playgoer6 ,he no more represents him than an ,m4 ,p4 represents the baby he kisses4 ,as well might one ask a connoisseur to choose the claret for a back-parlour supper-party4 ,thus the critic cannot honestly represent the ,public4 ,that he cannot represent ,art without injuring the ,theatre as well as the ,public1 has already been shown4 ,the conclusion one is driven to is that the critic has no raison d'tre at all in the topical press4 ,there he should be replaced by the reporter4 ,the influence of cultivated criticism should be brought to bear on the drama only from the columns of high-class magazines or books4 ,nor am ,i more certain of the use of the art critic4 ,he is far too conflicting to be of any practical value1 and he as often contradicts himself as his fellows4 ,he hides his ignorance in elegant ,english1 sometimes illuminated by epigram1 and from his dogmatic verdicts there is no appeal4 ,not infrequently he is resolved to be a critic in spite of nature1 as ,sir ,joshua has it in a delicious phrase which was possibly given him by his friend the great lexicographer4 ,in a letter to the ,idler1 the painter recommends those devoid of eye or taste1 and with no great disposition to reading and study1 to assume the character of a connoisseur1 which may be purchased at a much cheaper rate than that of a critic in poetry4 ,the remembrance of a few names of painters1 with their general characters1 says ,sir ,joshua1 and a few rules of the ,academy1 which they may pick up among the ,painters1 will go a great way towards making a very notable ,connoisseur4 ,he goes on to describe a gentleman of this cast1 whose mouth was full of the cant of ,criticism1 which he emitted with that volubility which generally those orators have who annex no ideas to their words4 ,when ,i once expressed to ,mr4 ,whistler my conviction that1 with the single exception of religion1 more nonsense was talked on the subject of art than on any other topic in the world1 that great authority refused to allow religion any such precedence4 ,certainly during the season when1 for the middle-class ,londoner1 art happens1 the claims of art to that proud pre-eminence become overwhelming1 if only temporarily so4 ,everybody gives his opinion freely1 and it is worth the price4 ,to criticise painting is only less difficult than to execute it4 ,fifty per cent4 of art is sheer science1 the rigid1 accurate science of form and perspective1 ,i do not say that accuracy is necessary to art4 ,still it is what most people presume to judge4 ,but does one person in a hundred know the true proportions of things1 or possess the eye to gauge the anatomy of a figure8 ,owing to the neglect in schools of the rudiments of drawing1 our eyes barely note the commonest objects2 we remark just enough of their characteristics to identify them4 ,consider6 as ,mr4 ,john ,davidson writes in his ,random ,itinerary3 did you ever see a sparrow8 ,you have heard and read about sparrows4 ,the streets are full of them2 you know they exist4 ,but you could not describe one1 or say what like is its note4 ,you have never seen a sparrow1 any more than you have seen the thousand-and-one men and women you passed in ,fleet street the last time you walked through it4 ,did you ever see a sparrow8 ,and then there is colour4 ,do you really know what the colour of that landscape is1 or what complex hues mantle the surface of yonder all-mirroring pool8 ,do you know that1 the appearance of nature is constantly varying with every change of light and every passing cloud8 ,do you know how ,primrose ,hill looks at night8 ,perhaps you think you know how a haystack looks in the sunlight2 yet across the ,channel the illustrious ,monet devoted months to painting one haystack1 making fresh discoveries daily4 ,i do not believe you know how many ,roman figures there are on your watch-dial4 ,you probably think there are twelve4 ,but what is far more important1 you may be quite devoid of artistic sensibility4 ,yet you would not hesitate to criticise the ,academy or even to be paid for it4 ,i had occasion to buy a doll the other day4 ,it was a she-doll4 ,there seems1 by the way1 a tremendous preponderance of the fair sex in dolls3 what difficult social problems must agitate the ,dolls' ,houses6 ,this was a pretty doll1 with wide blue eyes1 and a wealth of golden tow1 and an expression of aristocratic innocence on its waxen cheek1 faintly flushed with paint1 and ,i bore it home with pride4 ,but when ,i came to examine it1 ,i found it was but a sawdust abomination4 ,oh the modelling of the arm1 oh the anatomy of the leg1 oh the patella proximate to the ankle6 ,i felt that if ,i gave that doll to the expectant infant1 she might grow up to be an art critic4 ,thus1 then1 mused ,i sorrowfully1 is the nation's taste made in ,germany4 ,we are corrupted from the cradle1 even as upon our tombs badly carved angels balance themselves dolefully4 ,let me make a nation's dolls3 ,i care not who makes its pictures4 ,was it of these dolls a late ,president of the ,royal ,academy was thinking1 when he said that the ,german genius did not find its best expression in plastic art8 ,the ,academy will not be permanently improved until we improve our dolls4 ,,xii ,,table-,,talk ,now that the world is so full of free dinners for the well-fed1 it behoves hostesses to reconsider their methods4 ,with so many dinner-tables open to the lion1 or even to the cub1 they must do their spiriting dexterously if they would feed him4 ,in these days when seven hostesses pluck hold of the swallow-tails of one man1 and the form of grace before meals must be1 ,for those we are about to receive1 ,lord make us truly thankful1 something more than the average attraction is needed to induce the noble animal to dine at your expense4 ,there is one improvement in the great dinner function for which ,i would respectfully solicit the attention of ladies who entertain but do not amuse4 ,it is a great point in a gallery how you hang your pictures1 says the sage of ,concord1 and not less in society how you seat your party4 ,when a man meets his accurate mate1 ,society begins and life is delicious4 ,yes1 but how rarely does a man meet his accurate mate in these minor marriages of the dinner-table6 ,how often is he chained for hours to an unsympathetic soul he has not even made the mistake of selecting4 ,the terrible length of the modern dinner makes the grievance very real1 and in a society already vibrant with the demand for easier divorce it is curious that there has arisen no ,sarah ,grand of the dining-room to protest against this diurnal evil4 ,suppose that at a dance you were told off to one perpetual partner1 who would ever don pumps8 ,is it not obvious that at a dinner you should have the same privilege as at a dance--the privilege of choosing your partner for each course8 ,it could be done during the drawing-room wait4 ,i give an example of an ordinary menu1 marked after the fashion of a gentleman's dance programme1 from which it will the seen at a glance how much more delightful a dinner would become if you could change your partner as often as your plate4 ,,menu1 ,,june #aeth1 #ahid4 ,plats4 ,engagements4 #a4 ,hors d'oeuvres 4 4 4 4 ,s4 ,s4 #b4 ,soup 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,a4 ,p4 ,s4 #c4 ,poisson 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,pinky4 #d4 ,poisson 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,l4 ,r4 #e4 ,entre 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,blue ,bow4 #f4 ,entre 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,red ,hair4 #g4 ,joint 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,w4 #h4 ,sweet 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,minnie4 #i4 ,sweet 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,minnie4 #aj4 ,cheese 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,long ,arms4 #aa4 ,dessert 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,i4 ,v4 7,interval before ladies rise47 ,extra ,entre 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,agnes4 ,extra ,joint 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,eyeglasses4 ,extra ,sweet 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,minnie4 ,you perceive at once that you would always put your idol pro tem1 down for the sweets1 which would become as fertile a source of flirtation as love in tennis4 ,of course the same tact and discretion would be needed in filling your menu as in filling your programme4 ,some ladies who are excellent at the entre may be inadvisable for the joint1 which they may sit out1 expecting to monopolise your attention to the detriment of your meal4 ,others who are dull at the soup may be agreeably vivacious towards the later items4 ,a new series of formulae would be added to the language3 ,may ,i have the pleasure of seeing your menu8 ,will you give me one sweet8 ,can you spare me the joint8 ,i am so sorry3 ,i have just given it away4 ,see me eat the poisson1 as ,grossmith says4 ,will you put me down for a fish8 ,this is our entre1 ,i think4 ,may ,i have my dessert1 ,minnie8 ,are you engaged for the cheese8 ,yes2 but you can have the second entre4 ,don't forget to keep the soup for me6 ,if you don't mind sitting it out6 ,are you open for the extra joint8 ,thank you3 ,i am full up4 ,for hostesses who shrink from such a revolution1 a beginning might be made by an automatic change of seats by the gentlemen1 say one to the right as in the chass-crois of the ,caledonians4 ,failing this1 the only remaining method of avoiding monotony and the chilling separation of the extremes of the board is to follow the example of ,king ,arthur and employ a round table4 ,the round dinner-table is the only way of making both ends meet4 ,having got your round table1 what are you to eat upon it8 ,there is hardly any edible known to the menu which some sect or other would not banish from the kitchen1 while if you were to follow the ,lancet you would eat nothing at all1 starving like ,tantalus amid a wealth of provisions4 ,of these sects of the stomach ,i was aware of many4 ,but it is only recently that the claims of natural food have been brought within my heathen ken4 ,the apostle of the new creed is an ,american lady doctor1 whose gospel1 however1 is somewhat vitiated by her championship of ,mrs4 ,maybrick1 so that one cannot resist the temptation of suspecting that she thinks the jury would never have found that interesting lady guilty if they had fed upon starchless food4 ,for this is the creed of the new teaching4 ,all starch foods are chiefly digested in the intestines instead of in the main stomach1 and hence are unnatural and morbiferous1 and the chief cause of the nervous prostration and broken-down health that abound on all sides4 7,herr ,nordau gives quite a different explanation of the general breakdown1 but no matter47 ,the ',natural ,food ,society1' says its official organ1 is founded in the belief that the food of primeval man consisted of fruit and nuts of sub-tropical climes1 spontaneously produced2 that on these foods man was1 and may again become1 at least as free from disease as the animals are in a state of nature4 ,how curiously apposite seem ,dryden's lines1 written in a very different connection6 ,this was the fruit the private spirit brought1 ,occasioned by great zeal and little thought4 ,while crowds unlearned1 with rude devotion warm1 ,about the sacred viands buzz and swarm4 ,and this couplet of his1 too1 might be commended to the devotees3 ,a thousand daily sects rise up and die2 ,a thousand more the perished race supply4 ,what does it matter what primeval man ate8 ,it is not even certain that he was a member of the ,natural ,food ,society4 ,the savage1 as we know him1 lives on the game he hunts and shoots1 and prefers his fellow-man to vegetarianism4 ,no one ever accused the red ,indian of nervous prostration1 when wild in woods the noble savage ran2 nor are leopards and tigers usually in broken-down health4 ,but1 in justice to the ,natural ,food ,society1 ,i must admit that it displays a pleasant absence of fanaticism1 for there is a proviso in italics3 ,all persons about to experiment with the non-starch food system are urged at first not to use nuts1 but to use instead whatever animal food they have been accustomed to4 ,the central feature of the system is abstention from bread1 cereals1 pulses1 and starchy vegetables1 for which food fruits are to be substituted4 ,all this seems a mighty poor excuse for the formation of a new sect4 ,fortunately the ,society uses up its superfluous energies in working for the higher life1 and in its coupling of health and holiness is sound in its psychology1 whatever it may be in its physiology4 ,you never heard of ,peterkin's pudding1 by the way1 but there is a fine moral baked in it4 ,johannes came to his wife one day and said1 ,liebes ,gretchen1 could you not make me a pudding such as ,peterkin is always boasting his wife makes him8 ,i am dying of envy to taste it4 ,every time he talks of it my chops water4 ,it is not impossible ,i could make you one1 said ,gretchen good-naturedly2 ,i will go and ask ,frau ,peterkin how she makes it4 ,when ,johannes returned that evening from the workshop1 where ,peterkin had been raving more than ever over his wife's pudding1 ,gretchen said gleefully1 ,i have been to ,frau ,peterkin3 she has a good heart1 and she gave me the whole recipe for ,peterkin's pudding4 ,johannes rubbed his hands1 and his mouth watered already in anticipation4 ,it is made with raisins1 began ,gretchen4 ,johannes's jaw fell4 ,we can scarcely afford raisins1 he interrupted3 couldn't you manage without raisins8 ,oh1 ,i dare say1 said ,gretchen1 doubtfully4 ,there is also candied lemon-peel4 ,johannes whistled4 ,ach1 we can't run to that1 he said4 ,no1 indeed1 assented ,gretchen2 but we must have suet and yeast4 ,i don't see the necessity1 quoth ,johannes4 ,a good cook like you--here he gave her a sounding kiss--can get along without such trifles as those4 ,well1 ,i will try1 said the good ,gretchen1 as cheerfully as she could2 and so next morning ,johannes went to work light-hearted and gay4 ,when he returned home1 lo6 the long-desired dainty stood on the supper-table1 beautifully brown4 ,he ran to embrace his wife in gratitude and joy2 then he tremblingly broke off a hunch of pudding and took a huge bite4 ,his wife1 anxiously watching his face1 saw it assume a look of perplexity1 followed by one of disgust4 ,johannes gave a great snort of contempt4 ,lieber ,gott6 he cried1 and this is what ,peterkin is always bragging about6 ,,xiii ,,the ,,abolition ,,of ,,money ,the ,cynic was very old and very wise and very unpopular4 ,i was the only person at his ,at ,home that afternoon4 ,i gave him my views on ,bi-metallism1 having just read the leader in the ,times4 ,he yawned obtrusively1 and growled1 ,bi-metallism1 indeed6 ,the only remedy for modern civilisation is ,a-metallism4 ,money must be abolished4 ,the root of all evil must be pulled up4 ,money abolished6 ,i echoed in amaze4 ,why1 any student of political economy will tell you we could not live without it4 ,lacking a common measure of value1 we---- ,so it has always been held by students when answering political-economy papers1 he interrupted impatiently4 ,yet ,i dreamt once of a land where the currency was called in1 and the morning stars sang together4 ,but the exchange of commodities---- ,i began4 ,was effected by the sublime simplicity of barter4 ,at one sweep were swept away all that monstrous credit system which had created an army of accountants and a ,court of bankruptcy2 all that chaos of single and double-faced entry--all that sleight-of-hand abracadabra of signatures--all those paper phantoms of capital4 ,the ,stock ,exchange and other gambling-hells shrivelled up4 ,there was a vast saving of clerical labour1 and there were few loopholes for fraud4 ,everything was too simple4 ,swift retribution overtook the man who shirked his obligations to his fellows4 ,nobody could juggle with bits of paper at the ,north ,pole and ruin people at the ,south4 ,the windows of human ,society were cleared of the gigantic complex cobweb full of dead flies4 ,one could look inside and see what was going on4 ',gentlemen' could not flourish in the light4 ,they were like the fungi that grew in cellars4 ,every man became both a worker and a trader4 ,not an unmixed gain1 that1 ,i protested4 ,i grant you1 said the ,cynic4 ,some of the finer shades of fine gentlemanliness were lost3 the honourable feeling of cheating one's tradesmen1 the noble scorn of tailors1 the lofty despisal of duns4 ,when all men were tradesmen1 these higher class distinctions fused into one another4 ,there arose a clannish feeling which prevented the tradesman from defrauding one of his own class4 ,but there was an even graver evil to be placed to the debit side of the new system4 ,for the professors of political economy 7who had thrown up their posts as a conscientious protest against the abolition of money and of salaries7 proved to be right4 ,so clumsy was the mechanism of exchange that men were actually driven to doing more than one kind of work4 ,all those advantages of specialisation which ,adam ,smith1 supplemented by ,babbage1 had so laboriously pointed out were completely lost to a wasteful world4 ,rather than be without certain luxuries and necessaries men gave up moving their legs all day up and down in time with iron treadles1 or feeding machines with bits of material exactly alike1 or remaining doubled up underground1 or making marks from hour to hour and from year to year on pieces of ruled paper4 ,the waste by friction became enormous4 ,some of the least thrifty even made their own furniture1 and wove their own clothes1 and carved out rude ornaments for themselves4 ,whether from a natural want of economy1 or from an unwillingness to encounter the difficulties of traffic1 or from a mere spirit of independence1 these men deliberately reverted to the condition from which mankind had so painfully emerged4 ,some even pretended to enjoy it1 and1 rather paradoxically1 asserted that the abolition of gold had brought about the golden age of primitive legend4 ,others who felt keenly the falling-off in production1 and the absence of those huge stores of unsold commodities which glutted the ancient markets1 and gave a nation a sense of wealth in the midst of poverty2 the aesthetic spirits who lamented the disappearance of the ancient mansions and palaces1 which1 although they were empty three parts of the year1 yet afforded men the consolation of knowing that they were ample enough to shelter the majority of the homeless--men of this stamp were chagrined by the cumbersome mechanism of exchange1 which made these glories of the past impracticable1 and they were for introducing counters4 ,but counters1 although they had the advantage of lacking intrinsic value1 would be quite as bad as actual coins if men could entirely trust one another never to repudiate their obligations4 ,unfortunately ,society had grown so honest under the new rgime that this condition was fulfilled1 and the operation of counters would have been identical with that of money4 ,moreover1 counters would have brought back card-playing1 horse-racing1 fire and life assurance1 and other forms of gambling1 which without them involved such complex calculations and valuations of loaves and fishes that all the pleasure was spoilt4 ,when these things were pointed out to the aesthetic and the economical1 they were convinced and remained of the same opinion4 ,but even with all these deficits1 the balance in favour of the status quo was eminently satisfactory4 ,it was rediscovered that man really wanted very little here below1 and that it was better for all to get it than for some to continue to want it2 and1 taking into account also the general freedom from war1 newspapers1 and other evils of a moneyed civilisation1 it must be conceded that the common people had very little to grumble at4 ,but what of the uncommon people8 ,i interrupted at last4 ,they must have been martyred4 ,certainly1 for the good of the common people4 ,you see1 everything was topsy-turvey4 ,besides1 they suffered only during the earlier stages of transition4 ,there was1 for instance1 the poet who went round among the workmen to chaffer verses4 ,but there were few willing to barter solid goods for poetry4 ,here and there an intelligent artisan in love purchased a serenade1 and an occasional lunatic 7for ,nature hath her aberrations under any system7 became the proprietor of an epic4 ,but the sons of toil drove few bargains or hard with the sons of the ,muses4 ,the best poets fared worst1 for the crowd sympathised not with their temper1 nor with their diction1 and they were like to die of starvation and so achieve speedy recognition4 ,but the minor poets1 too1 were in sore strait4 ,the market was exceedingly limited4 ,sellers were many and buyers few4 ,rondeaux were hawked about from butcher to baker1 at ten to the joint1 or three to the four-pound loaf1 and triolets were going at a hollow-toothful of brandy4 ,a ballade-worth of butter would hardly cover a luncheon biscuit1 while a five-act blank-verse tragedy was given away for a pound of tea1 and that only when the characters were incestuous and the caesuras irreproachable4 ,a famous female poet was reduced to pawning her best sonnet for a glass of lemonade and a bun4 ,times were no less hard for the comic writer4 ,hitherto he had only to outrage his mother-tongue1 or to debase the moral currency1 to find the land ready to accord him of the fat thereof4 ,he used to sit in a room in ,fleet street and make or steal jokes in return for gold4 ,by the wonderful mechanism of the old ,society other men and women1 in whatever part of the world he might stray1 would rush to feed and clothe and house him1 and play and sing and dance to him1 and physic him1 and drive him about in carriages1 and tell him the news and shave him1 and press upon him aromatic mixtures to smoke1 and love him1 and kowtow to him1 and beg of him1 and even laugh at his jokes1 all in return for making or stealing jokes in ,fleet street4 ,some of these men and women would detest jokes1 or have a blindness to their points2 nevertheless1 not one but would be eager to express in the most practical form his or her sense of the services rendered to ,society by the joker4 ,but now that people saw with open eyes through the transparent mechanism of exchange1 they were extremely loth to part with their tangible commodities in return for mere flashes of wit or vulgarity4 ,previously they had only half realised that they were soberly and seriously making coats1 or working machines1 or smelting iron1 while these jesters were merely cudgelling their brains or consulting back files4 ,the complexity of the thing had disguised the facts4 ,but now that they saw exactly what was going on1 they became suddenly callous to numerous vested interests1 and their new-found desire to know why they should give up the fruits of their labour pressed very cruelly upon innocent individuals4 ,the comic writer found it no joke to live with ',i'd ,rajah not's' going at seventy-five to the cigarette1 or mockeries of the mother-in-law yielding but a ton of coals to the thousand4 ,puns were barely vendible1 and even comic pictures could only be sold at a great sacrifice of decency4 ,the heir was a type of sufferer4 ,when he came around asking for champagne and chicken1 the working-man said1 ',what are you offering us in exchange8' and he replied1 ',my relationship to my father4' ,but they would not buy4 ,antiquarians and scholars1 too1 found it a hard task to live4 ,no one needed the things they raked up from the dust-heap of the past4 ,critics were in an exceptionally critical condition4 ,no one cared to exchange his productions with a man who in return had to offer only his opinion of somebody else's6 ,as this opinion was usually worthless even under the old rgime1 people soon began to turn up their noses at it1 and nobody would give a rusk for the information that ,turner was a better artist than ,nature1 or that hanging was too good for ,whistler4 ,remarks about the ,italian ,renaissance were accounted paltry equivalents for green peas1 invidious comparisons among the ,lake poets were not easily negotiable for alpaca umbrellas1 and the subtlest misreadings of ,shakespeare were considered trivial substitutes for small-clothes4 ,the artists were reduced to borrowing half-rolls from their models1 partly because people had gone back to ,nature and liked their scenery free from oil1 and drank in the ,spirit of ,beauty without water1 and partly because it was so difficult to assess the value of a picture now that critics had been starved out and speculation had died away4 ,allegorical painters continued a much-misunderstood race1 and the fusion of classes had reacted fatally on the brisk trade in ',portraits of a ,gentleman4' ,people who1 in their celestial aspirations after the ,true1 the ,good1 and the ,beautiful1 had forgotten that they ate and drank and required food1 warmth1 and shelter to hatch all these sublime things with ,capital ,letters--people who had heretofore poured lofty scorn on those who could not forget that a man was a being with a body--these were now the most clamant demanders of the material4 ,only by the withdrawal of physical necessaries and luxuries did they come to realise how much they had depended on such1 or to perceive the impossibility of the ,worship of ,truth on an empty stomach4 ,alas6 under this crude system of barter the most ardent expression of their sentiments concerning the ideal and the ,kalokagathon would not keep them in cigars4 ,the professional paradoxist went about with holes in his boots4 ,epigrams in hand1 sickness at heart1 and emptiness at stomach1 he crawled through the town in search of a buyer4 ,he offered a dozen of the choicest apothegms for a pair of hob-nailed boots1 conjuring the cobbler like the veriest 'commercial' to note the superiority of the manufacture4 ,he pointed out that he travelled with the latest novelties in ,impressionist ,ethics1 perfect unfitness guaranteed4 ,he even offered to make a reduction if the cobbler would take a quantity4 ,the worthy craftsman1 stung by the prospect of a cheap job lot of epigrams1 was prevailed upon to look at the goods4 ,but when he read that ',vice is the foundation of all virtue1' that ',self-sacrifice is the quintessence of selfishness1' and that ',the ,good of ,evil outweighs the ,evil of ,good1' he felt that he could do much better with his boots1 even if he only employed them to kick the epigrammatist4 ,the poor wretch thought himself lucky when he succeeded in purchasing two epigramsworth of tobacco and a paradoxworth of potatoes4 ,to cap his misfortunes1 the nation suffered from a sudden invasion of immigrant epigrammatists1 so that cynicisms went a-begging at ten for a sausage-roll4 ,nor was the dull but moral maxim at less discount than the witty but improper epigram4 ,essays inculcating the most superior virtues failed to counterbalance a day's charing1 and the finest spiritualistic soft soap would not wash clothes4 ,even the washerwoman deemed her work more real and valuable than the manufacture of moralities too fine for use1 and the deliberate effusion of sentiments too good to be true4 ,in those days1 too1 a complete political platform1 comprising a score of first-class articles of faith1 sold at a pair of second-hand slop-trousers1 and a speech of three hours and three hundred parentheses could not fetch more than a pot of jam in the open market4 ,the workhouses were crowded with politicians1 critics1 poets1 novelists1 bishops1 sporting tipsters1 scholars1 heirs1 soldiers1 dudes1 painters1 journalists1 peers1 bookmakers1 landlords1 punsters1 idealists1 and other incorrigible persons4 ,nothing was more curious and heartrending in the history of this transition to a new stage than the rapidity with which those who had been most exigent towards life bated their terms4 ,men who1 in their aspirations after the ,good and the ,beautiful and the ,true1 had unwittingly wasted an intolerable deal of the world's substance in riotous idealising1--men who had so long breathed the atmosphere of ottomans and rose-leaves that they were barely conscious of their privileges1--now found themselves clamouring for bread wherewith to stay the cravings of their inner selves1 and accounted themselves happy if they found a roof to shelter them4 ,the pathos of it was that they felt it all too intensely to see the pathos of it1 or to express it in poem1 picture1 or song4 ,it was1 of course1 the current political economy to which was due this immense depreciation in the exchange value of the higher kinds of intellectual and artistic work4 ,in the old ,socialistic system which had been swept away by the abolition of money1 men had purchased literary and musical commodities in common1 each consumer paying his quota for his share of an unconsumable and infinitely divisible whole4 ,but now few individuals cared or could afford to purchase whole works for their private edification2 and so it came to pass that men of talent suffered as much as men of genius in the olden days4 ,and when it began to be understood of the people that the times were other1 and that ,art and ,letters and ,apostleship would not pay1 men turned in resignation to work with their hands1 and they made all kinds of useful things4 ,and the bookmakers returned not to their pens1 nor the pot-boiling painters to their palettes1 nor the apostles to their prophesying1 being otherwise engaged and not thereto driven by inward necessity4 ,and the ,society of ,authors perished6 ,but the great poets1 and the prophets1 and the workers in colour and form1 upon whom the spirit rested1 these wrought on when their daily labour for a livelihood was at an end1 for joy of their art and for the religious fire that was in them1 giving freely of their best to their fellow-men1 and exempt for evermore from all taint of trade4 ,the ,cynic paused1 and ,i sat silent1 deeply impressed by what he had said1 and striving to imprint every word of it upon my memory1 so that ,i might sell it to a magazine4 ,,xiv ,,modern ,,myth-,,making ,so far as ,i can gather from the publications of the ,folklore ,society1 the science of ,folklore is in a promising condition4 ,the doctors seem to be agreed neither about the facts nor the methods nor the conclusions1 but otherwise their unanimity is wonderful4 ,originally the science was made in ,germany1 where it still flourishes1 like all sciences that require infinite pains and inexhaustible dulness4 ,all that can be done with any fruitfulness is apparently the collection and classification of stories1 songs and superstitions4 ,hypotheses and theories are mainly bricks without straw1 and the only certain conclusion that may be drawn from the prevalence of folk-tales all over the world is that all men are liars4 ,this was the first contribution to the science1 and the ,psalmist may be regarded as the founder of ,folklore4 ,herder made an advance when he collected the folk-songs of many nations2 and ,grimm as a collector was truly scientific1 but when he brought in his mythological explanations he brought in mythology4 ,benfey's celebrated theory that ,european folk-tales are ,oriental in origin and comparatively recent in date seems to be bearing up well4 ,but no one seems to study the mythopoetic instinct as it manifests itself in modern life1 in the daily refraction of fact through the medium of imagination 7a medium whose power of refraction is far greater than that of water74 ,because we no longer create gods and goddesses1 or people the woods and brooks with fairies and nymphs1 and the forest with gnomes and the hills with hobgoblins--because we do not soften our lives with an atmosphere of gracious supernaturalism1 and fresco our azure ceiling with angels--it is assumed that the mythopoetic instinct is dead4 ,far from it6 ,it is as lively as ever1 and we may watch it at play in the building up of legends1 in the creation of mythical figures2 in the shaping of the ,boulanger legend1 the ,napoleonic legend1 the ,beaconsfield legend with its poetical machinery of the primrose1 the ,booth legend1 the ,blavatsky legend2 in the fathering of epigrams upon typical wits like ,sheridan1 or the attribution of all jokes to ,punch2 in the creation of non-existent bodies like the sthetes1 and in the private circulation of scandals about public personages2 in the perpetual revival of the ,blood ,accusation against the ,jews1 or the pathetic clinging to the miracles of exposed ,spiritualists and ,theosophists2 in the ,gladstone of ,tory imaginations and the ,balfour of ,radical2 in the ,irish patriot of oratory2 in the big-footed ,englishwoman of ,french fancy1 and the ,english conception of the ,scotchman who cannot see a joke2 in the persistence of traditional beliefs or prejudices that would be destroyed by one inspection4 ,apotheosis is still with us1 and diabolification 7if ,i may coin a word74 ,we canonise as prodigally as in the mediaeval ages1 and are as keen as ever about relics4 ,we are still looking out for dead ,king ,arthur3 he will return by way of the ,county ,council4 ,plus a change plus c'est la mme99 chose--probably the profoundest observation ever made by a ,frenchman4 ,our mythopoetic instinct is as active as of yore1 only the mode of its expression is changed4 ,it works on modern lines1 has taken to prose instead of poetry1 and only occasionally unfurls wings4 ,why does not the ,folklore ,society investigate the origin of our modern myths8 ,why not seize on the instinct as it is seen at play in our midst1 moulding movements and fashioning faiths8 ,why not catch it in the act--employ vivisection1 so to speak1 instead of dissecting dead remains8 ,why not try to extract from the living present the laws of the creation and development of myths and the conditions of their persistence1 so that by applying these laws retrospectively we may come to understand our heritage of tradition8 ,ah6 but this would require insight into life1 which your scientist has no mind for4 ,besides1 dry-as-dust work--collation and classification--may be distributed among the members of a society2 but how require of them fresh vision8 ,there is dispute as to how folklore arose3 one school talks vaguely of creation by the clan1 the community1 the race2 another insists that the germ at least must always have sprung from some one individual mind1 just as a proverb may be the wisdom of many but must be the wit of one2 that ideas that are in the air1 like a tree whose branches are everywhere and whose trunk nowhere1 had a single root once2 and that every on dit was literally one says originally4 ,but if we watch the process of mythopoetising in our daily life1 we shall see both theories illustrated4 ,consider the myth of ,lord ,randolph's small stature3 it may be traced easily enough to ,mr4 ,furaiss's pencil4 ,many people who have the impression forget whence they derived it2 and many who never saw ,punch had the idea conveyed to them by ,london letter-writing journalists who never saw ,churchill4 ,yet there is no doubt that the myth is the creation of a single man4 ,in this instance the genesis is clear1 and it makes for the one-man theory4 ,in other instances1 ,i can quite imagine myths arising from a spectacle witnessed in common by a multitude1 or an incident developing itself under the eyes of many4 ,no single reporter of the doings in ,sherwood ,forest built up the ,robin ,hood legend4 99 ,transcriber's note3 ,so in original4 ,one would rather expect an accent circonflexe on the first 'e'1 not an accent aigu4 ,doubtless every ballad was the work of an individual2 crowds do not spontaneously burst out into identical remarks1 except on the stage4 ,but the crowd was ready for the individual's ballad2 it furnished him with his theme and his inspiration1 so that he gave back in rain what he received in mist4 ,thus1 most folklore would owe its birth to the co-operation of the individual and the community--the former the creative or male factor1 the latter the receptive or feminine factor4 ,the one man launches his jest1 his caricature1 his story1 his melody1 into a sympathetic but inarticulate environment4 ,then it is taken up1 it is transformed1 it grows mighty4 ,the ,times is something very different from the total of the contributors' manuscripts4 ,perhaps the most interesting field of folklore work1 from the point of view of mere literature1 was that opened up by ,von ,hahn's classification of the stories of the world according to their original elements1 their bare plots4 ,there are about seventy main types of stories to which all the wandering tales of the world may be reduced4 ,as thus3 ,,grateful ,,beasts' ,,type #a4 ,a man saves some beasts and a man from a pit4 #b4 ,the beasts somehow make him rich1 and the man somehow tries to ruin him4 ,i have little doubt that these might be fined down to seventeen on a very broad basis of classification4 ,i should like to see an analysis of the world's novels similar to that which ,polti has made for the drama4 ,probably it would need a ,society to do it1 though it would be easy enough to keep pace with the output when once the arrears were cleared off4 ,there are only twenty novels published every week in ,england1 omitting serials1 and probably only two or three hundred in the whole world4 ,by a division of labour these could be easily taken to pieces and their plots dissected4 ,in time this might lead to a copyright in incidents as well as in words and titles1 and the stock situations would be stocked no more1 and the conventional novelists would be killed off4 ,even if ,parliament did not see its way to copyrighting incidents1 for fear good ideas spoiled by weak writers should be lost to use by the strong1 the publication of a catalogue of the motives of fiction already treated would deter all but the most shameless from changing infants at nurse1 or rescuing young ladies from bulls1 or mistaking brother and sister for lovers1 or having to do with wills lost1 stolen1 or strayed4 ,colossal as the task looks1 a first rough analysis would sweep away half the new novels of the month and include three-fourths of the fiction of the past4 ,here is the broadest and most general formula of ,english fiction as she is wrote for the young person3 ,a young man meets a young woman under unpropitious conditions which delay their union4 ,nine-tenths of the novels of the day may be dissected under the following heads3 7a7 ,description of ,hero2 7b7 ,of ,heroine2 7c7 ,how they first met2 7d7 ,why they did not marry till the last chapter4 ,there6 ,quite unintentionally ,i have given away the secret of novel-writing4 ,it is1 for all the world1 like the parlour game of ,consequences1 wherein each person fills up a form unknown to the others4 ,the muscular ,john ,jones met the beautiful ,princess of ,portman ,square in the ,old ,kent ,road1 and said to her1 ,oh1 ',arriet1 ,i'm waitin' for you1 and she replied1 ,you must wait till the end of the third volume1 and the consequences were that they got married1 and the world said1 ,we must get this from ,mudie's4 ,after this lesson in fiction any one may rival the masters1 provided he can hold a pen and doesn't mind leaving the spelling to the compositors4 ,you may perhaps think that the real value of a book lies in the accessories before the marriage1 in the pictures of life and character2 but ,i can assure you1 unless you turn everything round this axis1 the critics will tell you you can't construct4 ,for my part1 ,i would rather have ,the ,story of an ,african ,farm1 two-storied as it really is1 than a hundred bungalow romances4 ,better genius without art than art without genius4 ,for ,french fiction the formula would have to be varied4 ,it would run3 7a7,hero2 7b7,heroine2 7c7,how they first loved2 7d7,what the hero's wife or the heroine's husband did2 7e7,who died8 ,another piece of work ,i should like to see done is a census of the population of novels4 ,then we should see clearly how far they are a reflection of life4 ,in ,england ,i warrant the professional men would outnumber all others2 the aristocracy would come next1 and the urban working-man would be swamped by the villagers4 ,the nation of shopkeepers would be poorly represented1 and artisans would be few in the land4 ,there would be more perfectly beautiful ,english girls than there are girls in ,england1 more ,american millionaires than even the ,states can raise1 and more penniless lords than if ,debrett were a charity list of paupers2 more satanic guardsmen than ever wore the widow's uniform1 more briefless barristers than all the men who have eaten dinners in vegetarian restaurants1 and more murderers than have ever been caught since the days of ,jonathan ,wild4 ,indeed1 ,i am not certain but what the population of ,english novels would come out thirteen millions1 mostly criminals4 ,the relative proportions of blondes and brunettes would also be brought out1 and whether there is a run on any especial colour of hair4 ,plain heroines came in with ,jane ,eyre4 ,it would be interesting to ascertain if they are still worn or still weary4 ,,chapter ,,xv ,,the ,,philosophy ,,of ,,topsy-,,turveydom ,my friends1 topsy-turveydom is not so easy as it looks4 ,the trouble is not in inverting1 but in finding what to invert4 ,our language is full of ancient saws1 but it takes wit to discover which to turn upside down4 ,anybody can stand anything on its head1 but it is only the real humourist who knows which thing can stand on its head without falling or looking foolish4 ',t is the same in stage dialogue4 ,many a man of moderate wit can find a repartee when the joke is unconsciously led up to by another speaker4 ,it is the preparation for the joke that is the dramatist's difficulty4 ,to borrow a term from the ,greek grammars1 the protasis of the repartee is more troublesome than the apodosis4 ,the puzzle is1 therefore1 find the protasis4 ,when ,barry ,pain says that sometimes the glowing fire in the grate stares at you from behind its bars1 as if it could read pictures in you1 you cannot help laughing4 ,if he had given you the protasis1 ,you gaze into the fire as if you could read pictures in it1 even you could have invented the inversion4 ,topsy-turveydom is1 ,i repeat1 no laughing matter4 ,it is an art--and must be studied4 ,when ,besant's ,school of ,literature is founded1 there will be ,,exercises ,,in ,,topsy-,,turveydom #a4 ,invert the following commonplaces humorously3 ,honesty is the best policy4 ,the cup that cheers but not inebriates4 ,fools rush in where angels fear to tread4 ,like a child in its mother's arms4 7,not so easy1 you see67 #b4 ,invert the following motifs humorously3 7a7 ,a parted husband and wife reconciled by their little child4 7,stock ,poetry47 7b7 ,a patient marrying his nurse on recovery4 7,stock ,story47 7c7 ,a mother-in-law who comes to stay six months4 7,the ,old ,humour47 ,inversion may be applied1 you see1 both to ideas and to phrases4 ,let me contribute a specimen of either sort to the literary primer of the future3 ,,the ,,economy ,,of ,,smoking ,i must really give up not smoking1 at least till the ,american ,copyright ,act works smoothly1 and ,i am in a position to afford luxuries4 ,at present this habit of not smoking is a drain upon my resources which ,i can ill support4 ,whenever a man comes to my house1 ,i have to give him cigars1 or else gain the reputation of a churly and ill-mannered host4 ,in the olden days1 when ,i was economical and smoked all day long1 ,i could go to that man's house and get those cigars back4 ,very often1 too1 ,i used to get the best of the bargain1 and thus effect considerable economies in the purchase of good tobacco4 ,nowadays1 not only have ,i got to give away cigars for nothing1 but they must be good ones4 ,formerly if ,i gave my friends bad cigars1 it was from a box ,i was obviously smoking myself1 and therefore they had at least the consolation of knowing ,i was a companion in misfortune4 ,but to give others evils from which you are yourself exempt 7to quote ,lucretius7 would be a terrible blend of bad taste and inhospitality4 ,under such circumstances a man looks on a bad cigar as an insult1 and the greater insult because it is a gratuitous one4 ,but my losses from these sources are trivial compared with the item for theatres4 ,in the pure1 innocent days1 when ,i could not bear to let my pipe out of my mouth even for a moment1 ,i was unable to go to theatres2 but now that ,i have taken to not smoking1 ,i have fallen a victim to my other craving--the passion for the play4 ,three stalls a week tot up frightfully in a year4 ,no1 decidedly ,i must check this extravagant habit of not smoking before ,i am irretrievably ruined4 ,this is forced1 but ,truth often dwells the bottom of a paradox4 ,,the ,,danger ,,of ,,learning ,,to ,,swim ,the danger of drowning arises mainly from being able to swim4 ,the ability to swim is of little use as a safeguard against drowning1 for it is only in a minority of cases that the accident thoughtfully allows you every facility for displaying your powers of natation2 you are not conceded calm stream1 a calm mind1 and a bathing-costume2 usually you are disorganised1 ab initio1 by the unexpectedness of the thing1 you are weighed down by your clothes and your purse1 you are entangled with sails1 or clutched at by fellow-passengers1 or sucked into vortices4 ,in a big steamer accident1 what chance is there for those who can swim8 ,only an occasional ,hercules can keep afloat in a heavy sea1 and he not for long4 ,the most that swimming can do for you is to enable you to save yourself in circumstances where you would very probably be saved by somebody else4 ,on the other hand1 the ability to swim exposes you to many risks you wuld never have run had you been helpless in the water4 ,you swim in perilous places1 you go out too far and cannot get back1 you expose yourself to the possibilities of cramp1 you try to save other people's lives and lose your own4 ,there is also the temptation to go to the ,bath ,club in ,piccadilly and die of a too luxurious lunch4 ,on the whole1 ,i believe as many swimmers are drowned as non-swimmers when a general accident occurs1 while the swimmers invite special accidents of their own4 ,do you deduce from this that ,i advise you not to learn to swim8 ,quite the contrary3 it is a delightful and invigorating exercise4 ,only you must not imagine you are thereby armed against fate4 ,swimming for amusement is as different from swimming for life as yachting on the ,thames is from crossing the ,atlantic4 ,for my example of phrase-inversion ,i cannot do better than reprint the open letter addressed by me--in the height of his success1 and in parody of his manner--to the great phraseur and farunix of his little day2 especially as some have thought to see in it proof that prophecy has not yet died out of ,israel4 ,,my ,,dear ,,sir3 ,i have never for one moment doubted that you are a thinker1 a poet1 an art critic1 a dramatist1 a novelist1 a wit1 an ,athenian1 and whatever else you say you are4 ,you are all these things--,i confess it to your shame4 ,i have always looked down upon you with admiration4 ,as an epigrammatist ,i consider you only second to myself1 though ,i admit that in the sentiment1 to be intelligible is to be found out1 ,i had the disadvantage of prior publication4 ,when you point out that ,art is infinitely superior to ,nature1 ,i feel that you are cribbing from my unpublished poems1 and ,i am quite at one with you in regarding the sunset as a plagiarism4 ,nature is undoubtedly a trespasser1 and should be warned off without the option of a fine4 ,i say these things to make it quite clear that ,i speak to you more in anger than in sorrow4 ,you are much too important to be discussed seriously1 and if ,i take the trouble to give you advice1 it is only because ,i am so much younger than you4 ,i am certain you are ruining yourself by cigarette cynicism2 far better the rough1 clay-pipe cynicism of a ,swift4 ,there is no smoke without fire1 but it requires very little fire to keep a cigarette going4 ,the art of advertising oneself by playful puffs is not superior to ,nature4 ,but you are not really playful and innocent2 it would be ungracious to deny that you have all the corruption which the ,stage has so truly connected with the cigarette4 ,still1 isn't it about time you got divorced and settled down8 ,at present there are only two good plays in the world--,the ,second ,book of ,samuel and ,lady ,windermere's ,fan2 surely you have power to add to their number4 ,try a quiet life of artistic production1 and don't talk so much about ,art4 ,we are tired of missionaries1 whether they wear the white tie of the ,church or of ,society1 and it is a great pity we have not the simple remedy of the savages1 who eat theirs4 ,these few words of admonition would be incomplete if ,i did not impress upon you that policy is the only honesty4 ,art is short and life is long1 and a stitch in time debars one from having a new coat4 ,you can take a drink to the horse1 but you can't make him well2 and nothing succeeds like failure4 ,vice is the only perfect form of virtue1 and virtue---- ,easy there6 ,steady6 ,avast6 ,belay6 ,which6 ,the ,boeotians are dull folk1 no doubt1 but life would be dull without them4 ,imagine a wilderness of ,wildes6 ,it would be like a sky all rainbows4 ,then what beautiful whetstones the ,boeotians are6 ,abuse them1 by all means1 so long as they will pay for it4 ,but what a blessing that the minds capable of taking the artistic view of life are rare enough to keep the race sane6 ,the coarser forms of egotism seem less baneful to the brain-tissue4 ,you claim to be an ,athenian1 but the ,athenians did not smoke cigarettes4 ,it is true that tobacco had not been invented1 but this is a sordid detail ,if ,athens stands for anything in the history of culture1 it is for sanity1 balance1 strength4 ,aristotle1 at least as much an ,athenian as any native of ,ireland1 meditated about aesthetics1 but he meditated also about politics1 logic1 philosophy1 political economy1 ethics--everything4 ,socrates was a causeur1 but he was also a martyr4 ,no1 after all the ,beautiful is not so important as you imagine you are4 ,no doubt for a few billion years painters and musicians and epigrammatists will remain the centre cf creation2 but when the sun grows cold it is conceivable that invaluable canvases may be used up as fuel1 and that humanity may sacrifice even your printed paradoxes to keep warmth a little longer in its decrepit bones4 ,the fact is1 you are too born1 too one-sided1 to be accepted as as a king of men4 ,you take such broad views that you grow narrow4 ,what you want is a little knowledge of life1 and twelve months' hard labour4 ,but though topsy-turveydom may be attained with comparative ease1 it performs a lofty philosophical function4 ,everything rusts by use4 ,our moral ideals grow mouldy if preached too much2 our stories stale if told too often4 ,conventionality is but a living death4 ,the other side of everything must be shown1 the reverse of the medal1 the silver side of the shield as well as the golden4 ,convex things are equally concave1 and concave things convex4 ,the world was made round so that one man's up should be another man's down4 ,the world is the ,earthly ,paradox1 with four cardinal points of mutual contradiction1 all equally ,n41 ,s41 ,e41 and ,w4 ',t is thus a symbol of all paradoxes1 of all propositions in which mutually contradictory things are true4 ,nay1 paradox is the only truth1 for it cannot be denied2 including1 like the world1 its own contradiction4 ,topsy-turveydom unfolds our musty ideas to the sun and spreads them out the other way4 ,the man who reverses the ,fifth ,commandment and says that parents should honour their children is not a flippant jester1 but a philosophic thinker4 ,this is the true inwardness of the topsy-turvey humourist4 ,topsy-turveydom has played a prodigious part in the progress of thought4 ,the history of philosophy and science is merely a tale of development by topsy-turveydom1 every new thinker simply contradicting his predecessor4 ,thales said water was the primitive principle of all things2 so ,anaximander said it was air1 whereupon ,anaximenes said it was matter4 ,this made ,pythagoras maintain it was not concrete matter but abstract number2 whereupon ,xenophanes would have it that it was not number but pure monistic being1 and his disciple ,zeno invented some delightful and immortal paradoxes to prove that time and motion and number and change have no existence1 and only existence exists4 ,up comes ,heraclitus1 proving that existence doesn't exist1 and there is nothing in the world but becoming3 that so far from change not existing1 nothing exists but change4 ,it was now about time to return to earth1 and so ,empedocles and ,democritus came along with their ,atoms2 thereby provoking ,anaxagoras into bringing in ,soul to explain things4 ,things were going on thus satisfactorily when the ,sophists appeared on the scene to say that we didn't really know anything1 because all our knowledge was subjective1 so ,socrates insisted that it didn't matter1 because conduct was three-fourths of life4 ,plato retorted that it did matter1 and he invented an archetypal universe of which this was a faint and distorted copy4 ,naturally ,aristotle must contradict him by founding empirical science1 which concerns itself only with this world4 ,on his heels came the ,stoics1 who would have nothing to do with science except in so far as it made men virtuous1 and who wanted to live soberly and severely4 ,this provoked the neo-,platonists into craving for ecstatic union with the supernatural4 ,the transition period from ancient philosophy to modern was one long fight between ,nominalists and ,realises1 the one school teaching the exact opposite of the other4 ,but it is in the history of ,modern ,philosophy and ,modern ,science that one finds the strongest examples of this progress by paradox4 ,the triumph of topsy-turveydom was when ,galileo1 the ,oscar ,wilde of ,astronomy1 declared that the earth went round the sun--a sheer piece of inversion4 ,darwin1 the ,barry ,pain of ,biology1 asserted that man rose from the brutes1 and that1 instead of creatures being adapted to conditions1 conditions adapted creatures4 ,berkeley1 the ,lewis ,carroll of ,metaphysics1 demonstrated that our bodies are in our minds1 and ,kant1 the ,w4 ,s4 ,gilbert of ,philosophy1 showed that space and time live in us4 ,in ,literature it is the same story4 ,to credit the scholars1 ,homer is no longer a man1 nor the ,bible a book4 ,as for ,zechariah1 it was written before ,genesis4 ,this topsy-turveydom is a valuable organon of scientific discovery4 ,take any accepted proposition1 invert it1 and you get a ,new ,truth4 ,any historian who wishes to make a name has but to state that ,ahab was a saint and ,elijah a ,philistine--that ,ananias was a realist and ,george ,washington a liar--that ,charles ,i4 was a ,republican hampered by his official position1 and that the ,armada defeated ,drake--that ,socrates died of drinking1 and that hemlock was what he gave ,xantippe4 ,in fact1 there is no domain of intellect in which a judicious cultivation of topsy-turveydom may not be recommended4 ,ask why ,r4 ,a4's are invariably colour-blind1 and you become a great art critic1 while a random regret that ,mendelssohn had no ear for music will bring you to the very front in musical circles4 ,for the tail shall always wag the dog in the end1 and ,aristides will never be able to remain in ,athens if men will call him the ,just4 ,tout passe1 tout casse1 tout lasse4 ,we are bored--and then comes the topsy-turveyist's opportunity4 ,to every action there is an equal and contrary reaction is a sure law of motion1 and in the seesaw of speculation the down of to-day is the up of to-morrow4 ,next century we shall be sick of science2 and indeed the spooks are already returning for the funeral of this4 ,i shall end with ,,an ,,apology ,,to ,a ,,celebrated ,,character ,as a synonym for sin1 ,jezebel1 ,i 'll no longer drag you in1 ,jezebel4 ,now ,i know your glorious mission was to spread the truths ,phoenician1 ,metaphoric life anew you shall begin1 ,jezebel2 ,metaphoric life anew you shall begin1 ,cultured ,baalite1 loyal wife1 ,jezebel1 ,martyr in a noble strife1 ,jezebel2 ,protestant for light and sweetness 'gainst the narrow incompleteness ,of ,elijah and ,elisha's view of life1 ,jezebel2 ,of ,elijah and ,elisha's view of life4 ,,xvi ,,ghost-,,stories ,why do ghosts walk at ,christmas8 ,what seduction hath ,yule ,tide for these phantastic fellows1 that it lures them from their warm fireplaces8 ,is it that the cool snow is grateful after the fervours of their torrid zone1 where even the pyrometer would fail to record the temperature8 ,is it that ,dickens is responsible for the season1 and that ,marley's ghost has set the fashion among the younger spooks8 ,the ghost of ,hamlet's father was not so timed3 he walked in all weathers4 ,perhaps it is the supernatural associations of ,christmas that create the atmosphere in which ghosts live and move and have their being4 ,or perchance it is at the season of family reunion that the thoughts turn most naturally to vacant chairs and the presences that once filled them4 ,or is it that the ghosts walk for me alone1 by reason that ,christmas always brings me haunting thoughts of them8 ,for my youth was nursed upon the penny dreadfuls of an age that knew not ,chums1 nor the ,boys' ,own ,paper4 ,they were not so very dreadful1 those penny dreadfuls1 though dreadfully disrespectful to schoolmasters1 who were wont to rend them in pieces in revenge4 ,the heroes of the stories began to urge on their wild career in the school-room1 where they executed practical jokes that would have gladdened the heart of ,mr4 ,gilbert's merry ,governor2 the jokers were never found out unless they confessed to spare another boy's feelings1 and then the schoolmaster was so touched that he spared theirs4 ,after passing through five forms and upsetting them all1 they arrived at the sixth form1 which demanded a new volume to itself1 called1 let us say1 ,tom ,tiddler's ,school-days ,continued1 and mainly devoted to cigars and flirtation4 ,tom ,tiddler at ,college followed--all wines and proctor-baiting1 with ,tom ,tiddler as stroke in the victorious ',varsity eight4 ,tom ,tiddler ,abroad was the next title1 for the chronicle of a popular hero would run on for years and years2 and in this section red ,indians and wild beasts were rampant4 ',t were long to trace the fortunes of ,tom ,tiddler in all their thrilling involutions2 but when he had painted the globe red he married and settled down4 ,and then began ,young ,tom ,tiddler's ,school-days1 ,young ,tom ,tiddler's ,schooldays ,continued1 ,young ,tom ,tiddler ,abroad1 and all the weekly round of breathlessness2 and never was proverb truer than that the young cock cackles as the old cock crows4 ,by the time interest palled in the son a new generation of readers had arisen1 and the unblushing paper commenced to run ,tom ,tiddler's ,school-days again4 ,so went the whirligig4 ,but at ,christmas1 when the blue-nosed waifs carol in the cold and boys have extra pennies1 ,tom ,tiddler himself slunk into the background1 lost in the ample folds of a ,double ,number1 the same blazoned impudently1 as though it did not demand double money4 ,but the extra pennyworth was all ghosts3 ghosts1 ghosts1 ghosts2 full measure1 pressed down and running over2 not your ,ibsenian shadows of heredity1 but real live ghosts1 handsomely appointed1 with chains and groans and wavy wardrobes4 ,they lived in moated granges and ivy-wreathed castles1 and paced snowy terraces or dark1 desolate corridors4 ,there was no talk then of psychic manifestations1 or auras1 or telepathy1 or spiritual aether4 ,ghosts were solid realities in those days of the double number4 ,to every man upon this earth death cometh soon or late1 as ,macaulay sings1 and it is no less impossible to escape spirit-rapping and all the fascinating menu of the ,psychical ,society4 ,the epidemic1 which is contagious to the last degree1 seizes its victims when they are off guard1 under pretense of amusing an idle hour1 and ends by robbing them of sleep and health2 some it drives into lunatic asylums and some into newspaper correspondence4 ,that thought-reading is not necessarily delusion or collusion is now generally recognised2 a protge of ,mr4 ,f4 ,w4 ,myers convinced me of the possibility of simple feats1 though not of her explanation of them4 ,she credited them to spirits1 and wicked spirits to boot4 ,in vain1 ,i pointed out that spirits who occupied themselves so docilely about matters so trivial must be harmless creatures with no more guile than the village idiot3 she would concede no grain of goodness in their composition4 ,table-turning ,i had never seen4 ,ghosts ,i had never met1 though ,i had met plenty of persons who had their acquaintance4 ,like ,lady ,mary ,wortley ,montagu--or is it ,madame de ,stel998--,i did not believe in them1 but ,i was afraid of them4 ,premonitions ,i had often had1 but they had scarcely ever come true4 ,but now ,i am prepared to believe anything and everything1 and to come up to the ,penitent ,form--if there be one--of the ,psychical ,society and to declare myself saved4 ,i am already preparing a waxen image of a notorious critic1 to stick pins thereinto4 ,not that ,i did not always believe the ,spook ,society was doing necessary work in supplementing the crude treatises of our psychologists1 who are the most fatuous and self-complacent scientists going4 99 ,transcriber's note3 ,so in original4 ,one would rather expect the accent trma on the 'e'1 not on the 'a'4 ,my conversion to a deeper interest in the obscurer psychic phenomena befell through encountering a theatrical touring company in a dull provincial town4 ,the barber told me about it--a dapper young ,englishman of twenty-five1 with an unimpeachable necktie4 ,,barber4 ,they're playing ',macbeth' to-night1 sir4 ,,author4 7growling74 ,indeed8 ,b4 ,yes1 sir2 ,i'm told it's pretty thick4 ,a4 ,what's pretty thick8 ,b4 ',macbeth4' ,a4 ,what do you mean by 'thick'8 ,b4 ,full of gore1 sir4 ,i don't like those sort o' pieces4 ,i like opera--',utopia' and that sort o' thing4 ,you can see plenty o' thick things in real life4 ,i don't want to go to the theatre to get the creeps and horrors4 ,but ,i've seen ',othello' and ',virginius4' ,a4 ,ha6 ,do you know who wrote ',othello'8 ,b4 ,no1 that ,i don't4 ,a4 ,do you know who wrote ',macbeth'8 ,b4 ,now you ask me something6 ,a4 7speculating sadly on the vanity of fame and the absurdity of being a national bard1 but determined to vindicate a brother author7 ',othello' and ',macbeth' were written by ,shakespeare4 ,b4 7unmoved7 ,ah6 that's the man that wrote ',taming of the ,shrew1' isn't it8 ,a4 7astonished7 ,yes4 ,so the ,author went to see the thick play1 and found he knew ,lady ,macbeth1 nay1 had--by an odd episode--first seen her in dressing-gown and curl-papers2 so1 presuming upon this intimate acquaintanceship1 he got himself bidden to the ,banquet--in less ,shakespearian language1 he went to supper4 ,the ,banquet was uninterrupted by ,banquos or other bogies4 ,lady ,macbeth--in a ,parisian art-gown--sipped milk after her bloody exertions1 and listened graciously1 her fair young head haloed in smoke1 to her guest's comparison of herself with ,mrs4 ,siddons4 ,but ,lady ,macbeth's ,chaperon was a ,medium1 self-made1 and when the compliments and the supper had been cleared away1 the ,medium kindly proposed to exhibit her newly-discovered prowess with the ,planchette4 ,the ,planchette1 as everybody knows1 and as ,i didn't know myself till ,i saw it1 is a wooden heart that runs on two hind wheels1 and has a pencil stuck through the centre of its apex4 ,the ,medium gracefully places her hand upon the heart1 which after an interval of ,quaker-like meditation begins to write1 as abruptly as a ,quaker is moved by the ,spirit1 and as abruptly finishes4 ,,author4 ,what do ,i want to do early to-morrow morning8 ,what was in his mind was3 ,send a wire to ,manchester4 ,the ,planchette almost instantly scribbled3 ,send a telegram to your brother4 ,now1 his brother was connected with the matter2 and although at the time he considered the ,planchette half wrong1 yet in the morning1 after reconsidering the question1 the ,author actually did send the wire to his brother instead4 ,sundry other things did the ,planchette write1 mostly wise1 but sometimes foolish4 ,it did not hesitate1 for example1 over the publisher of a certain anonymous book1 but failed to give the title1 though it wrote glibly1 ,children of ,night4 ,these results were sufficiently startling to invite further investigation1 so the trio next proceeded to call spirits from the vasty deep by making a circle of their thirty fingers upon a wooden table4 ,very soon the table gave signs of upheaval1 while some cobbling sprite fell to tapping merrily at his trade within its ligneous recesses4 ,lady ,macbeth said that these taps denoted its readiness to hold communion with the grosser earth1 and constituted its sole vocabulary4 ,as in the game of ,animal1 ,vegetable1 and ,mineral1 its information was to be extracted by a series of queries admitting of yes or no in answer4 ,one tap denoted no1 three yes1 and two doubtful4 ,it could also give numerical replies4 ,the table or the sprite1 having indicated its acquiescence in this code1 proceeded to give a most satisfactory account of itself4 ,it told the ,author his age1 the time of day1 the date of the month1 carefully allowing for its being past midnight 7which none of the human trio had thought of72 it was excellently posted on his private concerns1 knowing the date of his projected visit to ,america1 and the name of his past work and his future wife4 ,its orthography was impeccable1 though its method was somewhat todious1 for the ,author had to run through the alphabet to provoke the sprite into tapping at any particular letter4 ,but one soon grew reconciled to its cumbrous methods1 as though holding converse with a foreigner2 and its remarks made up in emphasis what they lacked in brevity1 and were given with exemplary promptitude4 ,interrogated as to its own personality1 it declared it was an unborn spirit1 destined to be born in ten years4 ,do you know what makes you be born8 inquired the ,author4 ,yes1 it replied4 ,will you tell us8 ,yes4 ,tell us1 then4 ,f-,o-,r-,c-,e4 ,is it ,god's force8 ,no4 ,is ,he not omnipotent1 then8 ,no4 ,what is the true religion8 ,buddhism4 ,do you mean ,madame ,blavatsky was right8 ,yes4 ,is there a heaven8 ,yes4 ,a ,hell8 ,no4 ,to hear a small still voice rapping1 rapping in the silence of the small hours1 rapping out the secrets of the universe1 was weird enough4 ,it was as though ,milton's words were indeed inspired1 and-- ,millions of spiritual creatures walk the earth ,unseen4 ,what6 thought the ,author1 shall the ,great ,secret which has puzzled so many heads--heads in caps and heads in turbans1 heads in bonnets and heads in berettas1 as ,heine hath it--shall the explanation of the ,universe1 which baffled ,aristotle1 and puzzled ,hegel1 and still more his readers1 be the property of this wretched little unborn babe1 this infant rapping in the night1 and with no language but a rap8 ,was1 then1 ,wordsworth right1 and is our birth 'but a sleep and a forgetting'8 ,and1 mingled with these questionings1 a sort of compassion for the poor orphan spirit1 inarticulate and misunderstood1 beating humbly at the gates of speech4 ,natheless was the ,author quite incredulous1 and even while he was listening reverently to these voices from ,steadland1 his cold cynic brain was revolving a scientific theory to account for the striking manifestations4 ,in the course of two or three sances1 with lights turned low1 but honesty burning high--for ,lady ,macbeth was guileless1 and her ,chaperon above suspicion1--various other spirits hastened to be interviewed4 ,there was ,ma1 who afterwards turned out to be the ,chaperon's ,pa1 whose name--a queer ,french name--it gave in full4 ,the ,chaperon's ,pa1 who was dead1 announced he was no longer a widower1 for his relief had just rejoined him on ,wednesday--the #ajth4 ,this news of her mother's death was unknown to the ,chaperon4 ,in truth1 ,pa is still a widower4 ,another spirit--a woman 7who refused to give her age7--predicted that the amount of money taken at the theatre the next night would be #dd4 ,the actual returns on the morrow were #dd #js4 #f;d4 ,but when1 elated by its success1 it prophesied #dc1 the returns were only #cd4 ,but this same creature1 that gave only an inverted truth--perhaps it was momentarily controlled by the spirit of ,oscar ,wilde--displayed remarkable knowledge in other directions4 ,asked if it knew what piece had been played the week before in the theatre--a question that none of the three could have answered--it replied1 ',the ,road to ----' ,do you mean ',the ,road to ,ruin'8 the ,author interrupted eagerly1 tired of its tedious letter-by-letter methods4 ,no1 it responded vehemently2 and finished1 ',f-o-r-t-u-n-e4' ,lady ,macbeth consulted the ,era1 and sure enough ,the ,road to ,fortune had preceded her own company4 ,can you tell us the piece to follow8 the author asked2 and the spirit responded readily ',the ,pro----' ,do you mean ',the ,professor's ,love ,story'8 the ,author again interrupted4 ,no2 ',the ,prodigal1' answered the table4 ,ah6 ',the ,prodigal1' echoed the ,author1 confounding it temporarily with ,the ,profligate2 but the spirit dissented1 and added1 ',daughter4' ,there being no means of verifying this for the moment1 the ,author proceeded to inquire for the piece to follow that1 and was unhesitatingly informed that it was ,the ,bauble ,shop4 ,where is ',the ,bauble ,shop' now8 he inquired4 ,the spirit amiably rapped out ,eastbourne4 ,this was correct according to the ,era4 ,consulting the hoardings after leaving the house1 the ,author discovered that the other replies were quite exact1 save for the fact that ,the ,bauble ,shop was to come first and ,the ,prodigal ,daughter second4 ,here was the paradoxical humour of this ,oscar ,wilde-ish spirit again4 ,endless was the information vouchsafed by these disembodied intelligences1 in any language one pleased2 and1 although they at times displayed remarkable obstinacy1 refusing to answer1 or breaking off abruptly in the middle of a most interesting communication1 as though they had been betrayed into indiscretion3 yet1 to speak generally1 there was scarcely any topic on which they were not ready to discourse--past1 present1 or to come--and their remarks1 whether accurate or not1 were invariably logical1 bearing an intelligible relation to the question4 ,even sporting tips were obtainable without a fee1 and ,avington was given as the winner of the ,liverpool ,cup1 though the ,author had never heard of him1 and the other two were not aware he was booked for the race1 still less that he was the favourite4 ,in the sequel he only came second4 ,real tips did the spirits give1 tipping the table vehemently4 ,they were also very obedient to commands1 moving or lifting the table in whatsoever direction the ,author ordered1 much as though they were men from ,maple's2 and when he willed them to raise it1 the united forces of ,lady ,macbeth and ,lady ,macbeth's ,chaperon could not easily depress its spirits4 ,nor did they contradict one another4 ,there was a cheerful unanimity about the ,author's dying at fifty-seven4 ,but this did not perturb the ,author1 whose questions were all cunningly contrived to test his theory of the spiritual world4 ,for instance1 he set them naming cards1 placed on the table with faces downwards and unknown to anybody2 arguing that with their bloated omniscience they could scarcely fail to name a card shoved under their very noses4 ,nor did they--altogether4 ,most began well1 but were spoiled by success4 ,however1 here is the record performance--eight consecutive attempts of the table to give the correct card under the imposition of the hands of the ,chaperon and the ,author only1 neither knowing the card till it was turned up to verify the table's assertion3 ,,table',s ,,card4 ,,actual ,,card4 #a4 ,jack of ,diamonds 4 4 4 ,queen of ,spades4 #b4 ,jack of ,diamonds 4 4 4 ,jack of ,diamonds4 #c4 ,three of ,clubs 4 4 4 ,jack of ,spades4 #d4 ,jack of ,diamonds 4 4 4 ,jack of ,diamonds4 #e4 ,seven of ,clubs 4 4 4 ,five of ,diamonds4 #f4 ,three of ,spades 4 4 4 ,three of ,spades4 #g4 ,ten of ,hearts 4 4 4 ,ten of ,hearts4 #h4 ,nine of ,clubs 4 4 4 ,nine of ,clubs4 ,here are five bull's-eyes out of eight shots6 ,the name of the performer deserves record4 ,it was the spirit of a ,german woman1 named ,gretehen1 who died three years ago1 but refused to say at what age4 ,she was wrong sometimes1 but then it may have been her feminine instinct for fibbing4 ,the spirits play tricks1 say the spiritualists4 ,sometimes they are wicked spirits1 who tell lies4 ,the ,planchette also wrote out the names of unseen cards placed upon it face downwards4 ,the artistic spirit of the ,author now bids him pause3 the narrative has now reached a point of interest at which recollections of ,tom ,tiddler's ,schooldays urge him to pen the breathless motto3 ,to be continued in our next4 ,,xvii ,a ,,theory ,,of ,,table-,,turning ,the yearning of humanity for the supernatural1 even for the pseudo-supernatural1 is as pathetic as it is profound4 ,wherefore ,i regret that ,i can make no concessions to it4 ,the following theory of table-turning came to me as ,i experimented1 from my general knowledge of psychology4 ,i have not compared it with the theories of the ,psychical ,society1 which ,i have never read1 preferring to jot down the impressions of an independent observer1 which1 if they should at all coincide with the explanations of the spook-hunters1 will irrefutably demonstrate that their ,society was founded in vain4 ,if1 moreover1 as ,mr4 ,andrew ,lang has since pointed out1 it coincides largely with the theory of ,dr4 ,carpenter1 so much the better4 ,what are the facts8 ,if two or more people 7according to the size of the table7 place their hands in circular contact around a table1 and possess their souls in patience for a delightfully uncertain period1 sundry strange manifestations will occur4 ,even after the first few moments the more imaginative will feel the table throbbing1 unsuspicious of the fact that it is the blood at their finger-tips4 ,presently1 too1 an uncanny wave of cold air will pass underneath the arch of their palms4 ,this is1 according to the professional witches of ,endor1 the frigid flitting of the spirits1 but the most superficial meteorologist will expound it you learnedly4 ,your hand1 passive and in a fixed position1 heats the air under it1 which1 becoming lighter1 is constantly displaced by the colder circumambient air4 ,finally1 when everybody is wrought up to an exalted expectation of the supernatural1 the table begins to oscillate1 to move slowly to and fro1 to waltz1 and even to raise itself partially or wholly off the ground4 ,sometimes it taps instead of moving4 ,nor are these motions and these taps merely the intoxicated irregularities of an exuberant energy4 ,they are coherent responses 7according to a code agreed upon with the spirit in possession7 to questions asked by one of the sitters4 ,they are the expression of infinite and ungrudging information on almost every subject4 ,through this wooden language1 through this music of the tables and this dancing movement of their legs1 tabular information respecting your past or other people's past and future lives1 together with full details of the doings of the departed in those other spheres of heaven or hell which they adorn or illumine respectively1 may be obtained at the lowest rates1 and with only that reasonable delay which results from the exigencies of a letter-code4 ,for the spirits of the table1 be it understood1 are unable to communicate with earth except by taps and movements for yes or no1 or by rapping out numbers2 so that they have to signify their meaning1 snailwise1 letter by letter4 ,the spirit of the ,planchette will indeed write you out sentences2 but to that1 like the actor in melodrama1 ,i will return anon4 ,in the stock sances1 ,i know1 spirits materialise themselves and glide white-sheeted through darkened rooms4 ,but as my own sances and spirits were personally conducted by myself1 the optical illusions of ,messrs4 ,maskelyne ,cook1 the ,pepper's ,ghost of the dear old ,polytechnic1 had no opportunity of putting in an appearance4 ,my spooks did nothing but answer questions1 so that the very suggestion that they were spirits came entirely from me4 ,in fact1 they do but dance to the medium's piping2 and should he suggest that they are methylated1 the chances are that not a few would cheerfully acquiesce in this description of themselves4 ,in short1 it is only the prepossession1 the pathetic prejudice1 in favour of visitors from other worlds that leads at all to the thought of spirits1 drawing such a red herring across the track that the average observer1 who is nothing if not unobservant1 has all his partisan faculties of mis-observation brought into full play on behalf of the spirit-world4 ,doubtless the actual presence of spirits is the cheapest way of accounting for the phenomena4 ,but one might as well call in spirits to explain the dancing of a kettle-lid4 ,not till every natural hypothesis has been exhausted is the scientific observer entitled to call in the supernatural4 ,and in reality all that has to be explained is the mechanical movements of tables under certain specified conditions1 the said movements having an apparent relation to will and intelligence4 ,first of all1 what moves the table8 ,well1 the slightest exercise of the finger or wrist muscles is sufficient to move the small1 light round table which is usually the subject of experiment2 and when once the slightest movement is established--by the involuntary contraction of a single muscle--all the other persons' muscles1 in accommodating themselves to the movement of the table1 cannot help helping it1 either by pulling or pushing in the direction in which it is going4 ,it is1 in fact1 almost impossible to follow the movement of a moving table and yet keep your superimposed hands perfectly passive2 and with ninety-nine persons out of a hundred the startled interest in the movement even begets an unconscious desire to help it1 which at times almost rises to a curious semi-conscious self-deception1 a voluntary exaggeration of the marvellous4 ,yet nothing makes the ordinary sitter angrier than to be told he has helped to move the table4 ,it is as though he were accused of cheating at whist1 or worse1 of playing a foolish card4 ,take half a dozen persons at random1 and there are sure to be one or two so impressionable and emotional that they cannot help contributing the slight initial impulse which gathers force as it goes4 ,these nervous subjects cannot sit a quarter of an hour perfectly still without a twitching of the muscles1 while the tense state of expectation which subtly transforms itself into a wish to see the table move and not have the experiment in vain1 finally compels them1 despite themselves1 to start the manifestations4 ,indeed1 to think of a thing is half to do it4 ,every idea has a tendency to project itself in action4 ,if you think strongly1 for instance1 of lifting your hand1 it is difficult not to do it1 for the idea of motion is motion in embryo4 ,the wish is father to the thought1 and the thought to the deed4 ,the wish to see the table move is the grandfather of its motion4 ,even with the most sceptical1 when the table is requested to go in a particular direction the muscles involuntarily tend thither4 ,all the deepest analyses of scientific psychology are involved in this wretched little episode of table-turning1 and it is not marvellous that the ordinary observer should perceive only the marvellous4 ,so much for the movements4 ,but how about the raps8 ,how about those mysterious tappings which come from the very heart of the table1 as eloquent of the preternatural as those immortal taps heard by ,poe ere the raven stepped into his chamber8 ,i should be more impressed by these taps if ,i were not capable of manufacturing them myself ad lib4 without detection1 by secretly manipulating the ball of my thumb4 ,one is therefore justified in assuming that1 where these raps are not produced by conscious fraud1 they are the involuntary result of the same motions that produced them voluntarily4 ,even wood has a certain elasticity1 and an imperceptible increase followed by an imperceptible relaxation of pressure on the surface of the table will alter the tension of the wood1 the molecules of which in springing back to their prior position will emit a creak or a tap1 just as a piece of extended elastic will when let go again4 ,both the raps and the movements1 then1 are in essence phenomena of the same order3 simple results of muscular pressure1 conscious1 sub-conscious1 or unconscious4 ,it now only remains to explain the answers themselves1 to account not only for their almost invariably logical form1 but also for their occasionally astonishing content4 ,for the table is not infrequently wiser than anybody in the room2 also it knows the past and is ready to predict the future4 ,the whole thing is really an excellent object-lesson in ,psychology4 ,for the solution is obvious4 ,the table being unconscious1 you answer yourself--you not only produce the raps and movements1 but you regulate them4 ,the connection between mind and body is1 it seems to me1 admirably illustrated by table-turning4 ,according to the latest philosophic view1 the connection itself defies human comprehension4 ,it is simply a case of non possumus intelligere4 ,but the connection itself may be expressed thus3 ,no idea or feeling without physical disturbance1 no physical disturbance without feeling or idea4 ,mind and body are as related as the tune to the violin-string4 ,every state of mind tends to set up nervous vibration1 and every nervous vibration tends to set up a state of mind4 ,in either case the tendency may be1 and usually is1 counteracted4 ,the average member of a spiritualistic circle cannot prevent the thought in his brain taking on bodily expression to the extent of a muscular contraction stimulating the very sensitive tips of the fingers4 ,you cannot think of a joke or see the humour of anything without wanting to smile1 though you may suppress your smile in obedience to other considerations4 ,nor can you put your features into smiling position1 without experiencing a latent sense of amusement1 though you would not know what you were smiling at4 ,but if six cool scientific intellects1 acquainted with the tricks of their own organisms and determined to dissever thought from motion1 were to sit round a table1 they might sit till doomsday without the spirit turning up4 ,this is what the spiritualists mean by unsympathetic persons1 persons obnoxious to the spirits1 persons with antipathetic auras1 and all the rest of the jargon4 ,but six intellects taken at random1 being anything but cool and scientific1 are not able to prevent their ideas passing over into action in the shape of muscular twitches2 though if even the unscientific were to look up at the ceiling and forget all about the table1 the table would probably forget to move4 ,now the majority of the replies of the table deal with matters actively present to the consciousness of at least one of the six owners of the superimposed hands4 ,when the table raps out something known only to this one person1 and the startled person admits that the table is right1 an uncanny feeling is produced2 the table seems at least to be a thought-reader1 and on this wave of astonishment the hypothesis of spirits rides up triumphantly4 ,when the topic is one of which nobody knows anything--e4g41 whether the supposed spirit is a man or woman--chance1 or a vague idea floating up in the mind of one of the party1 determines the reply4 ,but what of those replies in which some striking truth is told of which none of the party was conscious1 as for instance in the examples ,i gave in my last1 when the table informed us that ,mr4 ,jones's ,bauble ,shop was then playing at ,eastbourne1 or that ,the ,road to ,fortune had been playing in the town in which we were the week before we arrived8 ,to clear up this most remarkable aspect of the whole matter we must go still deeper into ,psychology4 ,what we are pleased to call our ,mind is made up of two parts--our ,consciousness and--what ,i shall call loosely yet sufficingly and without prejudice to ,metaphysics--our ,sub-,consciousness4 ,the latter is immeasurably the vaster portion4 ,it is a tossing ocean of thoughts which feeds the narrow little fountain of ,consciousness4 ,it holds all our memories4 ,we cannot be conscious of all ourselves and all our past at once--that way madness lies1 or divinity4 ,we may know ten languages1 but we can only think in the mould of one at a time4 ,our thoughts and memories can only come up into clear ,consciousness by ones or twos--to be dealt with and then dismissed4 ,they spirit from the great deep of ,sub-,consciousness into the thin fountain-stream of ,consciousness1 and fall back again into the great deep4 ,and this great deep is never still1 though we know nothing of its churning save by its tossing up through the fountain some new mental combination of which it had received only the elements--as when the mathematician has the solution of a problem flashed upon him at the moment of waking1 or as the author has the development of his plot thrust upon him when he is playing billiards1 or as the wit finds repartees invented for him by his brilliant but unknown collaborator4 ,this is what the crowd calls inspiration1 the late ,mr4 ,stevenson ,brownies1 and the scientist unconscious cerebration4 ,a man of talent has a good ,working ,consciousness1 a man of genius a good ,working ,sub-,consciousness4 ,hence the frequent mental instability of genius4 ,the ,infant ,prodigy's feats are done by his ,sub-,consciousness4 ,instinct is ,racial ,genius1 ,genius is ,individual ,instinct4 ,the highest ,genius is sane4 ,a ,shakespeare or a ,goethe has both a good ,working ,consciousness and a good ,working ,sub-,consciousness1 with the former so self-balanced that it regulates the products of the latter4 ,the cultivation of the ,working ,consciousness may either improve or impair the products of its bigger brother4 ,education1 the cultivation of the critical faculty1 would be fatal to some writers1 actors1 painters1 and musicians2 it would but spoil the ,working ,sub-,consciousness4 ,others--more sanely balanced--would gain in art more than they lost in nature4 ,now1 what are the elements with which our ,sub-,consciousness works8--what does this ocean contain8 ,it would be easier to discover what it does not contain4 ,wrecks and argosies and dead faces1 mermaidens and subterranean palaces1 and the traces of vanished generations2 these are but a millionth part of its treasures3 the ,sub-,consciousness were perhaps better likened to the property-room and scene-dock of the ,great ,cosmic ,theatre1 holding infinite wardrobes and scenes ready-painted1 parks and seas and libraries1 and ruined cottages and whitewashed attics1 to say naught of an army of supers ready to put on all the faces we have ever seen4 ,in our ,sub-,consciousness1 moreover1 are stored up all the voices and sounds and scents we have ever perceived1 and to all these reminiscences of our own sensations are perhaps added the shadows of our ancestors' sensations--episodes that perchance we re-experience only in dreamland--so that part of the vivid vision of genius1 of the poet's eye bodying forth the shapes of things unknown1 may be inherited ,memory4 ,and thus ,imagination1 when it is not a mere fresh combination of elements experienced1 may be only a peculiar variety of atavism4 ,from this boundless reservoir1 then1 which holds our heredity and our experience1 go forth the battalions of dreams--the infinitely possible permutations and combinations of its elements1 wrought by the ,working ,sub-,consciousness when the poor ,working ,consciousness cannot get sound asleep1 but must watch perforce with half an eye the procession of thoughts and images over which it has lost control4 ,for it is the duty of ,consciousness to control the stream sent up by ,sub-,consciousness4 ,when it is awake but unable to do this1 we have ,insanity2 when asleep1 ,dreams4 ,in ,somnambulism the ,working ,sub-,consciousness is seen in an accentuated phase4 ,it does all the work of its little brother1 even to exercising its owner's muscles4 ,to be possessed by a popular song is a species of insanity--,consciousness ridden by a singing ,sub-,consciousness4 ,between our ,consciousness and our ,sub-,consciousness there is more or less easy communication4 ,it is not perfect4 ,you cannot draw up what you will from the ocean3 you cannot always directly remember a name or a date that you know--you can only set an indirect train of thought at work4 ,per contra1 it is not easy to transfer certain conscious states to the storehouse of ,sub-,consciousness--to learn a page of prose1 or deposit the memory of a piece of music1 which you are forced to play slowly and thoughtfully before the digital dexterity is added to the treasures of your ,sub-,consciousness4 ,under exceptional conditions1 exceptional flotsam and jetsam is tossed up into ,consciousness1 as in the case of that servant girl who spoke ,latin1 ,greek1 and ,hebrew in her delirium1 having unconsciously absorbed the same from overhearing the studies of her learned master many years before4 ,now1 just as a conscious thought has an accompaniment of physical motion1 so has a sub-conscious thought4 ,thus1 then1 a thought which does not pass through the thin fountain-stream of ,consciousness may yet produce the same muscular twitches as if it were clearly present to the presiding ,ego4 ,in the case of the ,road to ,fortune1 the name must have really sunk into my brain1 although ,i was unaware of it1 and probably could not have consciously recalled it to save my life4 ,the stage-manager subsequently reminded me that he had in my presence regretted that the ,road to ,fortune had done such good business1 since there would probably be a reaction4 ,i have only a recollection of his telling me that the success of the preceding piece would hurt his--my ,consciousness had grasped at the intellectual side of his remark1 my ,sub-,consciousness had absorbed the irrelevant fact of the name of the piece4 ,in examining the ,era1 to verify this item1 ,lady ,macbeth's eye must have unconsciously noted that ,the ,bauble ,shop was at ,eastbourne2 but the information was not registered in her ,consciousness1 for there is a struggle of thoughts to catch the thinker's ,i--that is to say the ,central ,consciousness--and only the fittest can survive4 ,we are indeed wiser than we know4 ,our ,sub-,consciousness knows all we know1 and all we have forgotten1 and all that our mental sponge sucked in without spirting it through ,consciousness4 ,in fact1 attention or inattention often determines whether a thought or a feeling shall come up into clear ,consciousness or not4 ,you can feel a pain in your big toe if you want to4 ,conversely1 in the excitement of battle soldiers do not always feel their wounds4 ,when the table prophesies or delivers a message from the other world1 the result is a compound of fluke with expectation or with apprehension4 ,fears or hopes dimly in the mind get accentuated1 or transmuted1 or distorted as in dreams2 and when the spirits are proved wrong1 as in the matter of the ,chaperon's mother1 the spiritualists tell you that you have got hold of a lying spirit4 ,verily a cheap explanation6 ,they play tricks sometimes1 say their apologists4 ,the true explanation is that your ,sub-,consciousness was ignorant of the reply your ,consciousness asked for4 ,endless as its contents seem1 there are limits2 and when it does not know1 your ,sub-,consciousness will rarely confess it4 ,it makes a brazen guess1 keeping the logical form of the answer1 because your ,sub-,consciousness knows that1 but blundering deplorably in the matter4 ,sometimes it will not speak at all1 but when it does it is cocksure to the last degree4 ,its humour is the humour of the stock joke1 the ,old ,humour--as when it will not tell a woman's age4 ,its sulkiness and eccentricity and occasional indecency are just what one would expect from a ,sub-,consciousness1 whose thoughts have no central ,i to keep them in order4 7,compare ,goethe's explanation of the obscenities of ,ophelia47 ,sometimes1 too1 there are ,obstructive ,associations1 which account for its inability to make up its want of mind2 and as there are usually several persons at table1 the result is complicated by their separate ,sub-,consciousnesses4 ,in brief1 table-turning is a method of interrogating your ,sub-,consciousness4 ,it is1 so to speak1 objective introspection4 ,the table enables you to peep at your ,sub-,consciousness1 to know your larger self4 ,it is an external medium on which you may see registered visibly and audibly 7through the vibrations you sub-consciously communicate to it7 that ,sub-,consciousness which ex hypothesi you cannot peep at directly4 ,the moving table may be considered the objectification of ,sub-,consciousness1 or a mirror in which ,sub-,consciousness is reflected to the gaze of ,consciousness 7to the great benefit of the science of ,psychology1 which may be revolutionised by table-turning74 ,by humouring your ,sub-,consciousness1 by addressing it as though it were a separate identity utterly unconnected with you1 by asking a spirit to answer you1 you help to break your ,mind in two1 to detach the ,sub-,consciousness from the ,consciousness1 and so to get results which astonish yourself4 ,so divided is mind against itself that 7as when ,i thought ,the ,pro-- was to be ,the ,professor's ,love ,story7 even a conscious expectation of something different does not turn the ,sub-,consciousness from its first dogged determination2 or it may be that somebody else's ,sub-,consciousness was in the ascendant4 ,the mediums who excuse the spirits on the ground of their mendacity are not necessarily frauds3 they are themselves deceived2 they do not know that if the spirits lie1 it is because a true reply was not latent in any one of the human ,consciousnesses or ,sub-,consciousnesses present4 ,but the conclusion of the whole matter seems to be this3 there is a germ of scientific truth which the professional spiritualists doctor and wrap round with complex trickery in order to extract backsheesh from poor old women of both sexes anxious for information about deceased relatives4 ,circles are formed with pretentious mysticism1 and no self-respecting spirit will appear without being received in state with extinguished lights and creepy accompaniments4 ,the unconscious revelations made by the sitters are the sole genuine foundation of the spiritualists' influence4 ,consciousness holds converse with deceased relatives1 and ,sub-,consciousness1 which knows all about them1 answers for them4 ,i can call spirits from the vasty deep myself1 and they will come when ,i call them1 but the vasty deep is the deep of my own ,sub-,consciousness4 ,we seem to hear voices from spirit-land2 but as when we hold a sea-shell to our ear and seem to hear the ocean it is only the blood in our own veins1 so--to continue ,eugene ,lee-,hamilton's fine sonnet-- ,lo6 in my heart ,i hear1 as in a shell1 ,the murmur of a world beyond the grave1 ,distinct1 distinct1 though faint and far it be4 ,thou fool6 this echo is a cheat as well1-- ,the hum of earthly instincts1--and we crave ,a world unreal as the shell-heard sea4 ,tables might be turned to various purposes4 ,criminals might be compelled to yield up their secrets to them in uncontrollable muscular vibrations1 their ,sub-,consciousness being tapped4 ,for students under examination table-turning would be very useful for recalling forgotten knowledge4 ,the ,planchette would be the most convenient form4 ,for obviously the modus operandi of the ,planchette is exactly the same as the table's4 ,the medium's ,sub-,consciousness arrives at an answer by guesswork1 reminiscence1 etc41 and produces the muscular movements of writing without first passing the message through the writer's ,consciousness4 ,mr4 ,stead has1 ,i believe1 a familiar spirit called ,julia4 ,this is merely a projection of his own ,sub-,consciousness1 the ,planchette being the artificial instrument for enabling him to give pseudo-objectivity to his thought1 to detach a shred of his mind4 ,even so1 many a dramatist marshals toy figures on a mimic stage4 ,the external image is a help to weak imaginations4 ,the process of novel-writing involves breaking up your mind into bits--one for each character4 ,and when the characters are said to take the reins into their own hands1 it means that the bits are developing an independent existence4 ,if ,mr4 ,stead is not careful1 ,julia will get the upper hand of him1 his ,sub-,consciousness will dominate his ,consciousness1 and then he will be mad4 ,this detachment of bits of mind is dangerous2 the monster may overpower ,frankenstein4 ,julia is literally a child of ,mr4 ,stead's brain1 a psychical daughter embodied in a ,planchette4 ,double ,consciousness1 ,double ,identity1 are well-known forms of insanity4 ,in a mild degree they consist with sanity4 ,landseer could paint different heads simultaneously with both hands4 ,hypnotism1 on this theory1 would be the lulling of the patient's ,consciousness1 the closing of his central ,i1 and the setting of his ,sub-,consciousness to work in accordance with suggestions4 ,thought-transference seems a superfluous hypothesis here4 ,death is the cessation of both ,consciousness and ,sub-,consciousness2 and when a drowned man is resuscitated his ,sub-,consciousness can never have ceased4 ,do you fail to understand ,sub-,consciousness8 ,so do ,i--as much as that our digestion operates and our blood circulates without asking our permission4 ,it is not unreasonable to suppose that ,sub-,consciousness is simply the psychical side of the molecular changes that are going on in our nervous system4 ,there is more than metaphysical conceit in that elegy of ,donne's3 ,her pure and eloquent blood ,spoke in her cheeks1 and so distinctly wrought ,that one might almost say her body thought4 ,sub-,consciousness is a greater marvel in itself than any that it explains1 and beats the spooks hollower than they are4 ,just consider the phenomena of dreams1 what things we do1 what sights we see4 ,it is only the commonness of dreams that blinds us to the fact that they are more marvellous than ghost-stories4 ,mr4 ,lang thinks the theory of the sub-conscious self that uses our muscles for its own ends is the most startling thing ever offered to the public2 and that it should be regarded as true by a sceptic is staggering to our judicial faculties4 ,but why8 ,our noble selves--are they not already exposed to the indignity of dreams8 ,what matters another insult8 ,we need not be greatly put out if ,sub-,consciousness is busy in the day-time too4 ,and what about ,somnambulism8 ,what about musical or literary creation8 ,are not our ideas made for us in the kitchen of our ,sub-,consciousness8 ,our ,consciousness is only a small part of ourselves4 ,what produced ,de ,quincey's opium dreams was certainly not ,consciousness4 ,i can see visions1 myself1 without opium4 ,in certain excited states of the brain ,i can travel in my chair1 or bed1 perfectly awake1 through an endless and variegated series of scenes--domestic interiors with people talking or eating or playing cards1 battle-fields with glittering phalanxes1 beautiful tossing seas1 gorgeous forests1 melancholy hospitals1 busy newspaper offices1 etc41 etc4 ,these are almost entirely detached from my will1 and the chief interest of the spectacle is the unexpectedness of its episodes4 ,the scenes and the people have all the concreteness and detail of actuality1 although ,i never forget that ,i am observing my own hallucinations4 ,just fancy what ghosts ,i could see in the dark if ,i lost my central control and let my ,sub-,consciousness get the upper hand6 ,sociologists say1 the seeing of dead people in dreams gave rise to the idea of ghosts4 ,i would suggest that the same process as that of dreaming gives rise to the ghosts themselves4 ,great is the ,sub-,consciousness6 ,who shall say what it does not contain1 either in esse or in posse6 ,till we have exhausted the ,sub-,consciousness let us not talk of spooks4 ,two things alone remain to be considered4 ,one is how the ,planchette or the table is able to read cards placed face downwards upon it2 the second is1 is telepathy or thought-transference a possibility8 ,as to the first point ,i have never yet been able to satisfy myself whether the results are more than ,chance would account for2 for ,chance has strange vagaries--themselves part of the doctrine of ,chances--and in order to decide1 one would have to make a far more extended induction than ,i have had time for4 ,but if the mathematical probabilities are really exceeded1 one would be driven to the suspicion that there resides in the ,sub-,consciousness a sense of which we are unaware1 perhaps an extra way of perceiving by the tips of the fingers1 which may be either a new embryonic sense1 not yet developed by the struggle for existence1 or the rudimentary survival of an old sense eliminated in the struggle1 perhaps a relic from those primeval homogeneous organisms in which every part of the body did every kind of work4 ,after all1 the senses are all developments of the sense of touch4 ,this suspicion is strengthened by the fact that the correct card is often given at the first trial1 and not after1 as if this unused sense were soon exhausted4 ,by the way1 though the spirits mostly failed to tell a card placed face down1 and unknown to any one in the room1 they were invariably successful when it was placed face up3 a sufficient proof--is it not8--that there could be nothing in the replies which was not already in some one's mind4 ,with regard to the question of telepathy1 though ,i am tempted to believe in it1 ,i have not yet met with any convincing instance of it4 ,thought-reading la ,stuart ,cumberland almost any one could do who practised it4 ,the thought-reader merely takes the place of the table as a receiver of muscular vibrations4 ,what tempts me to believe in the transfer of thought without physical connection is that1 given telepathy1 all the mysterious phenomena that have persisted in popular belief through the centuries could be swept away at one fell swoop4 ,by telepathy1 working mainly through the ,sub-,consciousness1 ,i will explain you ,clairvoyance 7that is1 not the mere seeing of pictures1 which is a phenomenon akin to dreaming1 but the vision of other people's ,sub-,consciousnesses71 ghosts1 witchcraft1 possession1 wraiths1 ,mahatmas1 astral bodies1 etc41 etc4 ,but it is rather absurd to call in a new mystery to explain what may not even be facts4 ,and so1 till ,i am convinced either of ghosts or of telepathy1 ,i must accord an impartial incredulousness to both4 ,credat ,christianus1 ,f4 ,w4 ,myers or ,w4 ,t4 ,stead6 ,for ,i gather that the ,psychical ,society assert that they must exist4 ,but as yet--je n'en vois pas la ncessit4 ,if it is indeed possible to telegraph without fees and to put a psychical girdle round the earth in twenty seconds1 by all means let the noses of those extortionate cable companies be put out of joint4 ,to me it is just as wonderful that mind can communicate with mind by letter or even by speech4 ,one more puzzle adds no light to our darkness4 ,and as for ghosts1 ,i have more than a lurking sympathy with the farrier in ,silas ,marner4 ',if ghos'es want me to believe in 'em1 let 'em leave off skulking i' the dark and i' lone places--let 'em come where there's company and candles6' ',as if ghos'es 'u'd want to be believed in by anybody so ignorant6' said ,mr4 ,macey1 in deep disgust at the farrier's crass incompetence to apprehend the conditions of ghostly phenomena4 ,and supposing ghos'es do exist--the moment the ,supernatural is attested and classified it becomes as natural as anything else4 ,such spooks would add nothing to the dignity and sanctity of the scheme of creation1 and are no friends to religion4 ,the world would only be made to look more ridiculous if our deceased friends really rapped tables and pulled off bedclothes1 as ,miss ,florence ,marryat's do4 ,mrs4 ,besant 7who up to the moment of going to press is still a ,theosophist71 in her latest reading of the riddle of this painful earth1 does but explain obscurum per obscurius4 ,where is the point of a progression through stages1 if there is no continuous consciousness8 ,what does it matter if ,i am not myself1 but somebody else in his fifth plane or her nineteenth incarnation8 ,decidedly it is better to bear the religions we have1 than fly to others that we know not of4 ,if ,mr4 ,f4 ,w4 ,myers hears that some ill-trained observers have seen ghosts1 he becomes ,dantesque and dithyrambic about the love that rules the world and all the stars4 ,for my part1 ,i fail to draw the moral4 ,i am content to look nearer home--at coal-heavers and costermongers1 poets and engineers--and to found my theory of life on less deniable data4 ,a fig for your ghosts6 ,what6 ,here have ,i been living and working and thinking nigh half a lifetime1 and only now these gentry should deign to give me cognisance of their existence4 ,dame ,nature would have indeed treated me scurvily had she reduced me to such absurd oracles4 ,the phenomena seem so rare and so irregular1 the vast majority of mankind having to go through life only afraid of ghosts1 but never seeing them1 that no general law of posthumous existence could be based on these obscure and erratic accidents4 ,there may be only a survival of the fittest4 ,it is not in the aberrations1 but in the constant factors of human life that we must seek for light1 and the attitude of these smellers after immortality is precisely that of the mediaevals who sought for the workings of divinity in eccentric variations from its own habits1 till miracles became so commonplace that1 as ,charles ,reade deliciously sums it up1 a man in ,the ,cloister and the ,hearth could reply to his fellow1 who was anxious to know why the market-place was black with groups1 ,ye born fool6 it is only a miracle4 ,if ,i am to seek for intimations of immortality1 let me find them not in the haphazard freaks of disembodied intelligence1 but where ,wordsworth found them1 and where ,mr4 ,myers was once content to find them1 in ,those obstinate questionings ,of sense and outward things1 ,fallings from us1 vanishings6 ,blank misgivings of a creature ,moving about in worlds not realised1 ,high instincts before which our mortal nature ,did tremble like a guilty thing surprised4 ,if ,moses came to ,london he would be very disgusted with ,mr4 ,stead and the correspondents of ,borderland who collect facts for him4 ,for that supremely sane and sage legislator made one clean sweep of all the festering superstitions that fascinate the silly and the sentimental to-day as much as they did three thousand years ago4 ,mr4 ,stead is a ,puritan1 and the ,old ,testament should be his impregnable rock4 ,yet ,deuteronomy is most definite about ,julia4 ,there shall not be found with thee 444 a consulter with a familiar spirit4 ,for whosoever doeth these things is an abomination unto the ,lord4 ,his organisation of research is a delusion2 science is not to be thus syndicated4 ,the ordinary observer has no idea of scientific sifting1 and in ten minutes ,i exposed a gentleman who impressed a large ,london club as the most wonderful thought-reader in ,europe4 ,nature has many methods of producing the same effect1 says ,henry ,james's greater brother4 ,she may make our ears ring by the sound of a bell1 or by a dose of quinine2 make us see yellow by spreading a field of buttercups before our eyes1 or by mixing a little ,santonine powder with our food4 ,probably not ten per cent4 of the correspondents of orderland are aware of the existence of such subjective sensations1 or realize1 despite their nightly experience of dreams1 that it does not take an actual external object to give you the sensation of something outside yourself4 ,and passing optical illusions may have all the substantiality of ghosts4 ,when ,benvenuto ,cellini went to consult a wizard1 as he relates in his ,memoirs1 countless spirits were raised for his behoof1 dancing amid the voluminous smoke of a kindled fire4 ,he actually saw them3 it was a splendid case for ,borderland4 ,yet the probabilities are that the cunning magician merely projected magic-lantern pictures on the background of the vapour4 ,my brother woke up one morning1 and accidentally directing his eyes to the ceiling1 beheld there a couple of monsters--uncouth1 amorphous creatures with ramifying conformations and deep purple veins4 ,after a few moments they passed away2 but the next morning1 lo6 they were there again1 and the next1 and the next1 till at last1 in alarm1 off he goes to a specialist in eyes and unfolds his tale of woe4 ,is he1 perhaps1 going blind8 ,so you've discovered them at last6 laughs the eminent oculist4 ,these things are ,purkinje's ,figures--the shadows of the network of blood-vessels of the retina microscopically magnified on the ceiling3 everybody ought to see them--it's a sign the eye is a good working lens4 ,but they don't notice them except by accident1 when the light slants sideways1 and when there's a specially good background for them to be projected and magnified upon4 ,and1 taking him into his mystic chamber1 and reconstituting the conditions1 ,look6 says he1 there are your old friends again6 ,and there they were1 sure enough1 in all their amorphous horror4 ,it is1 in fact1 not so much the actual external object that determines our perception1 as attention or inattention2 and with wise unconsciousness we ignore all that it is not necessary for us to see at the moment4 ,if our organism were always in perfect health1 if our senses were not deceivers ever1 if we did not dream as solid a world as that which we inhabit by day1 then1 indeed1 a single appearance of a ghost would settle the question2 but as things are1 our own eyes are just what we mustn't believe4 ,as ,helmholtz pointed out1 we ought to see everything double1 except the few objects in the centre of vision2 and as a matter of fact we do get double images1 but the prejudiced intelligence perceives them as one4 ,the drunken man is thus your only true seer4 ,genius1 which has always been suspected of affinity with drunkenness1 is really a faculty for seeing abnormally--that is to say1 veraciously4 ,andrew ,lang1 who thinks that all children have genius1 is thus partially justified2 for till they have been taught to see conventionally1 they see with fresh insight4 ,hence the awkwardness of their questions4 ,mr4 ,bernard ,shaw recently wrote an article on ,how to ,become a ,genius1 but he omitted to supply the recipe4 ,it is simply this3 see what you do see1 and not what everybody tells you you see4 ,to think what everybody says is to be a ,philistine1 and to say what everybody thinks is to be a genius4 ,every healthy eye sees ,purkinje's ,figures when the conditions are present2 but only a rare eye perceives them consciously4 ,that is the eye of genius1 but the ,philistines cry1 ,disease6 ,degeneration6 ,,xviii ,,societies ,,to ,,found ,i have noted in my ,sancho ,panza moments a number of deficiencies in the commonweal which can only be remedied--in our modern manner--by societies4 ,let me start with a few of the most needed4 #a4 ,,society ,,for ,,providing ,,new ,,oaths ,the present currency is badly worn and was always nasty4 ,swear-words are a necessity4 ,they are the safety-valves of the soul4 ,why not have them nice and innocent--the kind of oath a girl can use to her mother8 ,it is unfair men should monopolise the bad language4 ,i wonder the ,women's ,rights women have not sworn about it4 ,i have already suggested that ,wellington's twopenny damn be replaced by ,i don't care a double-blank domino4 ,this gives a compound or twopenny sensation of the unspeakable1 combined with absolute innocuity1 like a vegetarian chop or a temperance champagne4 ,a milder form 7the penny plain7 would be a blank cheque4 ,the society ought to offer prizes for the best suggestions4 #b4 ,,society ,,for ,,promoting ,,readings ,,among ,,reviewers ,it is a notorious fact that critics are the most ill-read class in the community4 ,there are few occupations so laborious1 exhaustive1 and inadequately remunerated1 as reviewing2 and who can wonder if the wretched reviewer never finds time to read a book from one week's end to the other4 ,it is a cruel anomaly that men1 some of whom may have souls as much as we have1 should be shut out from all the pleasures of literature1 and all the possibilities of self-culture that books contain4 ,the poor critic goes to his grave1 picking up a smattering of cant phrases that are in the air--,zolaism1--,ibsenites1 ,dcadents1 ,symbolism1 the new humour1 the strong-man poetry1 and what not--but to become acquainted at first hand with the meaning or meaninglessness of these phrases is denied him by the hard conditions of his life4 ,publishers would greatly help the proposed society by sending out books cut4 #c4 ,,society ,,for ,,the ,,suppression ,,of ,,celebrities ,mankind's available stock of admiration is not large enough for all the demands made upon it1 wrote ,professor ,bain1 with the one flash of humour ,i have noticed in his big treatises4 ,if1 as ,wordsworth contends1 ,we live by ,admiration1 ,hope1 and ,love1 a certain number of objects of admiration is indispensable4 ,but the surplusage of celebrities in this age is simply overwhelming4 ,celebrity is cheap to-day4 ,you may arrive at it by a million avenues4 ,it is almost impossible to keep your name out of the papers4 ,culture is so catholic that celebrities who in the old days would have been monopolised by esoteric cliques are common property4 ,the paleographer and the coleopterist claim a share of our admiration equally with the serpentine dancer and the record-breaking cyclist1 and the judicious editor prints their interviews at equal length4 ,we have an impartial acquaintance with the tastes and views of cardinals and comic singers2 and the future of the papacy is given almost as much space as ,little ,tich's talent for water-colour1 and his fondness for the 'cello and his baby4 ,moreover1 that coil of cable which makes the whole world kin has burdened us with the celebrities of the universe4 ,when to these are added the celebrities of the past1 of every period1 country1 and variety1 the brain reels4 ,too many cooks spoil the broth1 and too many celebrities numb our faculty of wonder4 ,the vivid feeling that is possible when heroes are few fades into a faint reflection of emotion4 ,the celebrity's name calls up not admiration1 but only a shadowy consciousness that admiration is due4 ,we never pause to get the emotion4 ,i am afraid the first proceeding of the society will have to be the suppression of the illustrated weeklies1 which manufacture celebrities artificially to fill up their pages1 and1 in order to have pretty pictures1 give every actress that makes a little hit a prominence which ,shakespeare did not deserve4 ,if there is no celebrity of the week it is necessary to create one1 is the editorial motto4 ,if a man is a celebrity you interview him1 and if you interview him he is a celebrity4 ,you will not believe me 7though ,i don't care a double-blank domino if you don't1 for it is true7 when ,i tell you that an opposition society already exists--a society for the manufacture of celebrities4 ,self-puffery has always gone on in a sporadic fashion1 most people sending their own puffs to the papers1 and rolling their own logs1 on the principle that if you want a thing done well you must do it yourself4 ,but the idea of the society is the organisation of self-puffery4 ,it is done through an association which undertakes 7for a fee7 to insert anything you choose to send it about yourself in a hundred native papers1 and a hundred ,colonial1 ,indian1 and ,american papers1 as well as to get special articles written thereon1 and to organise press receptions1 luncheons1 journeys1 dinners1 etc41 etc4 ,o tempora6 ,o mores6 ,what an exposure of the lower journalism6 ,oh the crush of celebrities there will be when the society has been at work a few years6 #d4 ,,the ,,charity ,,of ,,charities ,the begging-letters and circulars are enough to light your fires the whole year1 and it is a pity they are not sent to the poor1 to whom they would be of more value4 ,still1 not to have the worry of receiving and discriminating among these appeals is another of the many compensations of poverty4 ,there are a thousand varieties of ,charity 7some beginning at a ,home and others going abroad71 and the most munificent can support only a few1 and perhaps will select the wrong few4 ,and most of these ,charities are struggling along painfully1 their resources taxed to the utmost by the severe winter and the coal strike2 many can scarcely make both ends meet4 ,there is nothing to prevent the weaker dying of want1 and our ,charities suffering from a heavy mortality4 ,and of course it will be the best and most retiring ,charities that will starve to death rather than beg of the first comer1 while the brazen ,charities will perambulate the streets with strident clamour1 rattling full money-boxes4 ,do we not therefore need another ,charity8 ,nay1 blaspheme not1 nor clench thy purse-strings4 ,one other ,charity--just one more--is a social necessity4 ,i would call it ,the ,charity of ,charities4 ',t is a central bureau of beneficence1 to which each doubting philanthropist should send such sums as he knows not how to dispense4 ,the bureau should inquire into the circumstances of each ,charity1 and grant or refuse relief strictly in accordance with its needs or merits4 ,the ,charity ,organisation ,society is another affair altogether4 ,perhaps people are afraid of pauperising the ,charities assisted1 but there is no reason why these should not continue to be self-supporting as far as possible4 ,such as could not manage to exist in this country could be assisted to emigrate1 while every help would be given to exiled or persecuted ,charities to gain a sphere of activity in this country4 ,fortunately1 there are always large-minded men among us who will receive any ,charity1 however despised1 with open arms6 ,there would be visitation committees to call at the offices of the ,charities1 to see that they were not pleading poverty when the officials were drawing big salaries2 a loan society to help them over bad times1 so as not to destroy their self-respect by doles in aid2 while a cookery school for accounts and a sanatorium for those that failed to keep their balance might also be annexes of this grand institution4 ,,xix ,,indecency ,,on ,,the ,,english ,,stage ,this protest was dated ,jan4 #a1 #ahia4 ,things are rather better now4 ,i am not a young person4 ,nothing ever brings a blush to my cheek except the rouge-pencil or the exposure of my stealthy deeds of good ,i can read the ,elizabethan dramatists or ,rabelais with equanimity1 and the only thing that mars my enjoyment of ,juvenal is the occasional obscurity of the ,latin4 ,i like the immoral passages in ,mademoiselle de ,maupin1 even if ,i do not go so far as ,swinburne and call it the holy book of beauty4 ,ibsen refreshes me like a tonic1 and ,i even believe in ,zola4 ,and yet1 if ,i were ,state censor of the ,english stage--which fortunately ,i am not--,i should suppress half of our plays for their indecency4 ,the other half ,i should suppress for their fatuity4 ,but that is another story4 ,that vice loses half its evil by losing all its grossness1 is a maxim for which the world cannot be too thankful to ,burke2 for though the point of view be not true1 an important aspect of the truth is undoubtedly exhibited4 ,now1 what we get on the ,english stage is the grossness without the vice--or1 to put it more accurately1 the vulgarity without the open presentation of the vice4 ,you may mean anything1 so long as you say something else4 ,almost every farcical comedy or comic opera--to leave the music-hall alone--is vitiated by a vein of vulgar indecency which is simply despicable4 ,the aim of the artist is not to conceal art--there is none to conceal--but to conceal his indecencies decently1 and yet in the most readily discoverable manner4 ,the successful stage-piece is too often but a symphony in blue4 ,what the ,english1 with their fashion of spoiling ,french importations1 incorrectly term doubles entendres1 are almost indispensable items in the fare of some ,london theatres of good repute4 ,and the references to things sexual are usually as stupid as they are superfluous to the development of the plot or the characters4 ,there is not the shadow of an excuse for their introduction4 ,they are simply silly accretions on the play1 quite unimplicated with the spirit of the scene1 and losing all meaning in their effort to have two4 ,one can enjoy the sparkle of wit and the rich halo of comedy playing around situations unaffectedly improper2 even the farces of the ,palais ,royal amuse with the broad foolery of their esprit gaulois2 but the ,english endeavour to make the best of both worlds1 the ,english author who combines the prude and the pimp--for these one can have nothing but contempt4 ,and the measure of one's longing for a sane and virile view and presentation of life will be the measure of one's abhorrence of immorality which has not even the decency to be indecent4 ,the ,french dramatist gives us characters living in a state of sin 7one of the ,united ,states not recognised at the ,court of ,st4 ,james's74 ,the ,english dramatist conveys the plot1 conveys the situations which spring out of the state of sin1 but leaves out the basis on which the whole rests4 ,thus1 instead of situations intelligibly indecent1 we get situations unintelligibly indecent4 ,eros1 like an ,indian conjuror1 is left suspended from nothing4 ,as the ,english playgoer does not ask for intelligible situations1 he is satisfied with the residuum4 ,the dramatist's uneasy striving to account for the behaviour of his personages only renders the latent character of the residuum more glaring4 ,the truth is1 that everything depends on treatment and atmosphere4 ,lord ,houghton has treated the difficult theme of a mother's and daughter's love for the same man with tenderness and grace2 a foreign writer would lay bare and anatomise with more of scalpel and less of sentiment4 ,the former satisfies our aesthetic instincts2 the latter would1 in addition1 appeal to our intellectual curiosity4 ,to the ,english dramatist the whole story would be tabu2 but if the ,continental man had got some striking situations out of it1 the ,briton's soul would hanker after those situations4 ,so he would make the mother a maiden aunt1 and give us the familiar spectacle of the aged spinster languishing for matrimony1 as incarnated for the nonce in the person of her niece's lover4 ,miss ,sophie ,larkin would play the part1 and it would be intended to be a comic one4 ,there is more suggestiveness in the conventional stage figure of the amorous old maid than in all ,congreve's comedies4 ,and yet what figure is more certain to please1 in the whole gallery of puppets8 ,scenes and characters of this sort you may have by the dozen2 but to build a moral play upon an immoral basis is to court damnation4 ,to construct a noble piece of work on the basis of improper relations between your chief characters is to show the cloven hoof4 ,once the initial scheme granted1 the rest may be as bracing as an ,alpine breeze2 but the critics will scent brimstone4 ,but to build an immoral play upon a moral basis--that way gladness lies4 ,critics1 who would rage at the delineation of a character remotely resembling a human being's1 will pat you on the back with a good-humoured smile1 and at most a laughing word of reprobation for your azure audacities4 ,ladies1 who1 whether they are married or unmarried1 are in ,england presumed to be agnostics in sexual matters1 will roar themselves hoarse over farces whose stories could only be told to the ultramarines4 ,ibsen may not untie a shoe-latchet in the interest of truth1 while ,english burlesque managers may put an army of girls into tights4 ,one dramatist may steal a horse-laugh by a tawdry vulgarity1 while another may not look over an ankle4 ,it is the same with literature4 ,we look askance at ,the ,kreutzer ,sonata1 but tolerate the vulgar anecdotal indecencies of the sporting journal4 ,the artist's eye may not see life steadily1 and see it whole2 but it is licensed to wink and ogle at will from behind its blinker4 ,if the artist's immorality is the artistic embodiment of a frank ,paganism1 or is inspired by an ethical or a scientific purpose1 he is a filthy-minded fellow4 ,seriousness is the unpardonable sin4 ,coarseness can be condoned1 if it is only flippant and frivolous enough4 ,in short1 the only excuse for indecency is to have none4 ,unfortunately1 practical considerations are so involved with artistic that it may be imprudent to accord the artist as wide a charter as he would wish4 ,the ideals of sincerity and honesty may in the present social environment be so potential for harm that it is for the common interest that they should not be gratified4 ,this may be so1 though ,i do not believe it4 ,but whether it be so or not1 of one thing ,i am certain1--and that is that the half-hearted dallying with things sexual is wholly an evil2 that the prurient sniffing and sniggering round the subject is more fraught with peril to a community1 more debasing to the emotional currency1 more blighting to the higher sexual feelings of the race1 than the most shameless public repudiation of all moral restraints4 ,evil cures itself in the sunlight2 it grows and flourishes in the darkness4 ,vice looks fascinating in the gloaming2 the morning shows up the tawdriness and the paint4 ,,xx ,,love ,,in ,,life ,,and ,,literature ,love6 ,love6 ,love6 ,the air is full of it as ,i write1 though the autumn leaves are falling4 ,shakespeare's immortal love-poem is playing amid the cynicism of modern ,london1 like that famous fountain of ,dickens's in the ,temple gardens4 ,the largest circulation has barely ceased to flutter the middle-class breakfast-table with discussions on the ,age of ,love and ,little ,billee and ,trilby--,america's ,romeo and ,juliet--loom large at the ,haymarket4 ,mr4 ,t4 ,p4 ,o',connor1 forgetting even ,napoleon1 his ,king ,charles's head1 is ruling high at the libraries with rchauffs of ,some ,old ,love ,stories1 and the way of a man with a maid is still the unfailing topic of books and plays4 ,one would almost think that ,coleridge was to be taken at the foot of the letter-- ,all thoughts1 all passions1 all delights ,whatever stirs this mortal frame1 ,all are but ministers of ,love1 ,and feed his sacred flame4 ,but alas6 suffer me to be as sceptical as ,stevenson in ,virginibus ,puerisque4 ,in how many lives does ,love really play a dominant part8 ,the average taxpayer is no more capable of a grand passion than of a grand opera4 ,man's love is of man's life a thing apart4 ,ay1 my ,lord ,byron1 but 'tis not woman's whole existence1 neither4 ,focussed in books or plays to a factitious unity1 the rays are sadly scattered in life4 ,natheless ,love remains an interest1 an ideal1 to all but the hopeless ,gradgrinds4 ,many a sedate citizen's pulse will leap with ,romeo's when ,forbes-,robertson's eye first lights upon the ,southern child whose beauty hangs upon the cheek of night like a rich jewel in an ,ethiop's ear4 ,many a fashionable maid1 with an eye for an establishment1 will shed tears when ,mrs4 ,patrick ,campbell1 martyr to unchaffering love1 makes her quietus with a bare dagger4 ,for the traces left by ,love in life are so numerous and diverse that even the cynic--which is often bad language for the unprejudiced observer--cannot quite doubt it away4 ,there seems to be no other way of accounting for the facts4 ,when you start learning a new language you always find yourself confronted with the verb to love--invariably the normal type of the first conjugation4 ,in every language on earth the student may be heard declaring1 with more zeal than discretion1 that he and you and they and every other person1 singular or plural1 have loved1 and do love1 and will love4 ,to love is the model verb1 expressing the archetype of activity4 ,once you can love grammatically there is a world of things you may do without stumbling4 ,for1 strange to say1 to love1 which in real life is associated with so much that is bizarre and violent1 is always regular in grammar4 ,ancient and modern tongues tell the same tale--from ,hebrew to street-,arabic1 from ,greek to the elephantine language that was made in ,germany4 ,not only is to love deficient in no language 7as home is deficient in ,french1 and ,geist in ,english71 but it is never even defective4 ,no mood or tense is ever wanting--a proof of how it has been conjugated in every mood and tense of life1 in association with every variety of proper and improper noun1 and every pronoun at all personal4 ,not merely have people loved unconditionally in every language1 but there is none in which they would not have loved1 or might not have loved1 had circumstances permitted2 none in which they have not been loved1 or 7for hope springs eternal in the human breast7 have been about to be loved4 ,even woman has an ,active ,voice in the matter2 indeed1 to love is so perfect that1 compared with it1 to marry is quite irregular4 ,for1 while to love is sufficient for both sexes1 directly you get to marriage you find in some languages that division has crept in1 and that there is one word for the use of ladies and another for gentlemen only4 ,turning from the evidence enshrined in language to the records of history1 the same truth meets us at any date we appoint4 ,everywhere ',t is love that makes the world go round4 ,it is dizzying to think what would have happened if ,eve had not accepted ,adam4 ,what could have attracted her if it was not love8 ,surely not his money1 nor his family4 ,for these she couldn't have cared a fig-leaf4 ,unfortunately1 the daughters of ,eve have not always taken after their mother4 ,the statistics of crime and insanity testify eloquently to the reality of love1 arithmetic teaching the same lesson as history and grammar4 ,consider1 too1 the piles of love at ,mudie's6 ,a million story-tellers in all periods and at all places cannot have all told stories1 though they have all1 alas6 told the same story4 ,they must have had mole-hills for their mountains1 if not straw for their bricks4 ,there are those who1 with ,bacon1 consider love a variety of insanity2 but it is more often merely a form of misunderstanding4 ,when the misunderstanding is mutual1 it may even lead to marriage4 ,as a rule ,beauty begets man's love1 ,power woman's4 ,at least1 so women tell me4 ,but then1 ,i am not beautiful4 ,it must be said for the man that every lover is a species of ,platonist--he identifies the ,beautiful with the ,good and the ,true4 ,the woman's admiration has less of the ethical quality2 she is dazzled1 and too often feels1 ,if he be but true to me1 what care ,i how false he be4 ,the ,stage is more beholding to ,love than the life of man1 says ,bacon4 ,the ,daily ,telegraph is perhaps even more beholding to it4 ,the ingenuity with which this great organ raises the cloyless topic every silly season under another name1 is beyond all praise4 ,no conclusion will ever be arrived at1 of course1 because ,love means a different thing with each correspondent1 and it is difficult to lay down general truths about a relation that varies with each of the countless couples that have ever experienced it1 or have fancied they experienced it4 ,the set theme of a newspaper correspondence always reminds me of a nervous old lady crossing the roadway3 she runs this way and that way1 gets splashed by every passing wheel1 jumps back1 jumps forward again1 finds temporary harbour on a crossing-stage under a lamp1 darts sideways1 and ends by arriving in another street altogether4 ,so that the heading of a correspondence is scant guide as to what is being discussed under it2 and no one would be surprised to find a recipe against baldness under the title of ,the ,age of ,love4 ,but then ,the ,age of ,love is an absurd and answerless question4 ,experience shows that all ages fall in love--and out again2 so that1 to quote the pithy ,bacon again1 a man may have a quarrel to marry when he will4 ,octogenarians elope1 and ,mr4 ,gilbert's elderly baby died a blas old rou of five4 ,romeo's passion was a second1 not a first1 love3 he had already loved ,rosaline4 ,juliet's first--and only--love came to her only eleven years after she had been weaned1 come ,lammas4 ,save that the ,age of ,love may be said to be ,youth--for ,love aye rejuvenates--there is nothing to be said4 ,wherefore the ,german gentleman who protested against the clichs of novel-writers in the matter of the eternity of passion was well within the wilderness of the subject4 ,the clich metaphor1 by the way1 is itself becoming a clich1 so stereotyped do we grow in protesting against the stereotyped4 ,germans are1 perhaps1 not the best authorities on passion3 they are too sentimental for love and too domestic for romance4 ,still1 our ,german is justified in his complaint3 the love-scenes in our novels and dramas correspond very little to human nature4 ,in works of pure romance this is no drawback to artistic beauty2 but in much modern work purporting to mirror contemporary life1 the love-making has neither the beauty that springs from idealisation1 nor that which springs from reality4 ,property-speeches and stock-sentiments still do duty for what really takes place in modern love-making4 ,we have played with the traditional puppets so long that we have come to believe they are alive4 ,they may have been alive once--when life was more elemental2 they still exist1 perchance1 in those primitive conditions which are really the past surviving into the present4 ,but in no field of human life is there greater need of fresh observation than in this of love4 ,the ever-increasing subtlety and complexity of modern love have not yet found adequate registration and interpretation in art4 ,art always seems to me a magic mirror in which the shapes of the past are held long after they have passed away4 ,the author of to-day looks not into his heart--but into the mirror--and writes4 ,primitive ,love found its poet in ,longus the ,greek1 with his ,daphnis and ,chloe2 but who has given us ,modern ,love8 ,not ,meredith himself1 despite his sonnets2 though ,the ,egoist is a terrible analysis of a modern lover1 as saddening as the ,modern ,lover of ,george ,moore4 ,the poets are ill guides to love4 ,their passions are half-fantastic1 if not of imagination all compact4 ,shelley's ,epipsychidion was the expression of a passing mood2 ,tennyson's ,come into the ,garden1 ,maud1 a lyric exaltation that must have died down when ,maud appeared1 and could in any case scarce have survived its fiftieth rewriting2 ,rossetti's interpretation of ,the ,house of ,life is as purely individual as ,patmore's ,angel in the ,house2 ,swinburne sings of phantasms2 we can no more take our poets for types of modern lovers than we can accept ,dante or ,petrarch as representatives of the mediaeval lover4 ,these poets used their goddesses as mystic inspirers4 ,dante was not in love with ,beatrice1 the daughter of ,portinari1 but with his own imagination3 she married ,simone as he ,gemma1 and thus he was still able to worship her4 ,the devotion of ,petrarch to ,laura did not prevent his having children by another lady4 ,if we turn to modern prose-writers1 we fail to find any really subtle treatment of ,modern ,love4 ,henry ,james himself shrinks from analysing it1 even allusively and insinuatingly4 ,zola's handling of the love-theme is as primary as ,pierre ,loti's1 for ,zola has the eye for masses1 not for individual subtleties4 ,tolsto1 informed by something of the rage of the old ascetics1 is too iconoclast2 ,maupassant's stories sometimes suggest a cynicism as profound as ,chamfort's or that old ,french poet's who wrote3 ,femme1 plaisir de demye heure1 ,et ennuy qui sans fin demeure4 ,ibsen is as idealistic as ,strindberg is materialist4 ,shall we seek light in the modern lady-novelist1 with her demand for phases of passion suited to every stage of existence8 ,shall we fall in with the agnosticism of ,john ,davidson1 and admit that no man has ever understood a woman1 a man1 or himself1 and vice versa8 ',t is seemingly the opinion of ,nordau that1 after the first flush of youth1 we do but play ,the ,comedy of ,sentiment1 feigning and making believe to recapture ,that first lyric rapture4 ,and his friend ,auguste ,dietrich writes3 ,se faire vivement dsirer et paratre refuser alors ce qu'elle brle d'accorder 444 voil la comdie que de tout temps ont joue les femmes4 ,not quite a fair analysis1 this3 like all cynicism1 it is crude4 ,juliet for one did not play this comedy1 though she was aware of the rle4 ,or1 if thou think'st ,i am too quickly won1 ,i'll frown and be perverse and say thee nay1 ,so thou wilt woo4 ,nor is it always comedy1 even when played4 ,darwin1 in his ,descent of ,man1 recognizes a real innate coyness1 and that not merely of the female sex1 which has been a great factor in improving the race4 ,and1 since we are come to the scientific standpoint1 let it be admitted that marriage is a racial safeguard which does not exhaust the possibilities of romantic passion4 ,nature1 as ,schopenhauer would say1 has over-baited the hook4 ,our capacities for romance are far in excess of the needs of the race3 we have a surplus of emotion1 and ,satan finds mischievous vent for it4 ,we are confronted with a curious dualism of soul and body1 with two streams of tendency that will not always run parallel3 hinc illae lachrymae4 ,this it is that makes ,m4 ,bourget's ,cruel ,enigme4 ,perhaps the ancients were wiser1 with whom the woman had no right of choice1 passing without will from father to husband4 ,when the ,romans evolved their concept of the marriage-contract between man and woman instead of between father and son-in-law1 the trouble began4 ,emancipated woman developed soul and sentiment1 and when ,roman ,law conquered the world1 it spread everywhere the seeds of romance4 ,romance--the very etymology carries its history1 for 't is only natural that the first love-stories should have been written in the language of ,rome4 ,nor is it inapt that the typical lover should recall ,rome by his name3 ,o1 ,romeo1 ,romeo6 wherefore art thou4 ,romeo8 ,romantic ,love is the rose ,evolution has grown on earthly soil4 ,floreat6 ,strange that ,nordau1 in his ,conventional ,lies of ,civilisation1 should echo this aspiration and gush over the ,goethean ,wahlverwandtschaft--the elective affinity of souls--almost with the rapture of a ,platonist1 conceiving love as the soul finding its pre-natal half4 ,surely1 to his way of thinking1 scientific selection were better for the race than such natural selection1 especially as natural selection cannot operate in our complicated civilisation1 where at every turn the poetry of life dashes itself against the dead wall of prose4 ,the miracle has happened4 ,edwin loves ,angelina1 and by a strange coincidence ,angelina also loves ,edwin4 ,but then come the countless questions of income1 position1 family4 ,adam and ,eve were the only couple that started free from relatives4 ,else1 perhaps1 had their garden not been ,paradise4 ,all later lovers have had to consult other people's tastes as well as their own1 and there has probably never been a marriage that has pleased all parties unconcerned4 ,and even when the course of true love runs smooth1 do the lovers marry whom they were in love with8 ,alas6 marriage is a parlous business3 one loves one's ideal1 but the beloved is always real4 ,the wiser sort take a leaf out of ,dante's book or ,petrarch's1 and retain their illusions4 ,the poets call it love--we doctors give it another name1 says a kindly old character in one of ,echegaray's comedies3 ,how is it cured8 ,this very day with the aid of the priest2 and so excellent a specific is this1 that after a month's appliance1 neither of the wedded pair retains a vestige of remembrance of the fatal sickness4 ,there is a kind of scientific selection in the intermarriage of persons of quality1 which is at the bottom of their supposed superciliousness and disdain of trade1 though blood does not infallibly produce breeding4 ,there is the same tribal instinct in the aversion of ,jews from exogamy1 and it is this sort of scientific selection which is subconsciously going on when parents and guardians1 sisters1 cousins1 and aunts1 interfere with the elective affinities4 ,money1 too1 is really a security for the due rearing of offspring4 ,it is to be hoped there is a tear beneath the sneers of ,sudermann's comedy1 ,die ,schmetterlingschlacht1 for the sorrows of moneyless mothers with unmarriageable girls4 ,don't thou marry for munny1 but go wheer munny is1 said ,tennyson's ,northern ,farmer--a sentiment which was anticipated or plagiarised by ,wendell ,holmes as ,don't marry for money1 but take care the girl you love has money4 ,few people may marry directly for money1 or even for position1 but few marriages are uncomplicated by considerations of money and position4 ,little wonder if ,love1 light as air1 at sight of human ties ,spreads his light wings and in a moment flies4 ,lovers may thrust such thoughts into the background1 but is not this wilful blindness as much ,the ,comedy of ,sentiment as that which supplies the theme of ,nordau's novel8 ,it weighed upon ,walter ,bagehot that immortal souls should have to think of tare and tret and the price of butter2 but sich is life--prose and poetry intertangled4 ,the cloud may have a silver lining1 but clouds are not all silver4 ,wherefore ,nordau's glorification of the love-match is curiously unscientific2 it belongs to silver-cloudland2 it might work among the birds of ,greek3 ,nephelo-kokkugia4 ,loveless marriages may beget happiness1 if not ecstacy2 and love-matches may be neither for the interest of the individuals nor of the race4 ,they serve1 however1 to feed ,art1 and one real love-match will justify a hundred novels and plays1 just as one good ghost will supply a hundred ghost-stories4 ,considering how many dead people there are1 the percentage of those permitted to play ghost is so infinitesimal as to be incredible a priori2 nevertheless1 how we snatch at the possibility of ghosts6 ,even so we like to connect love and marriage1 two things naturally divorced1 and to fancy that wedding bells are rung by ,cupid4 ,but1 after all1 what is love8 ,in lawn-tennis it counts for nothing4 ,in the dictionary it figures1 inter alia1 as a kind of light silken stuff4 ,and1 as ,dumas fils sagely sums it up in ,le ,demi-,monde3 ,dans le mariage1 quand l'amour existe1 l'habitude le tue1 et quand il n'existe pas elle le fait natre4 ,,xxi ,,death ,,and ,,marriage ,it was with melancholy amusement that ,i read in the scientific journals that sewer-gas was comparatively innocuous4 ,after the hundreds of sanitary tracts in which the deadliness of sewer-gas has been an axiom of faith1 after the thousand-and-one deaths from it in the contemporary novel1 it is grimly diverting to learn that sewer-gas may be welcomed without fear to our hearths and homes4 ,the same process appears to be overtaking science with which we are familiar in the sphere of history--all the bad gases are getting purified and the good spirits vilified4 ,the invincible solids are being liquefied1 and the ary nothings are being given solid habitations4 ,the ,professor tells me that liquid oxygen is obtainable only under great pressure1 and at a colossal cost4 ,i beg respectfully to suggest to the millionaires the advisability of laying in quarts of it for their dinner-parties4 ,this sparkling beverage--essence of oxygen1 mark you--would not need to be iced1 for the ,north ,pole is as a red-hot poker compared with it4 ,such a beverage would make a sensation and provide paragraphs for the society journals and the ,times obituary4 ,it is true the guests would not like it1 but they would be anxious to quaff it4 ,have you never noticed the innocent joy which the pop and froth of cheap champagne gives to suburban souls8 ,there is a magic halo about champagne--an aroma of aristocracy--which sanctifies it for people who would be happier with lemonade4 ,wherefore ,i doubt not there would be a public to adventure on liquid oxygen1 though it were congealed in the attempt4 ,the imbibition thereof might indeed replace suicide and cremation--it would both kill and cure1 and our frozen bodies might be preserved in family ice-safes for the edification of scientific posterity4 ,i should not marvel if liquid air or oxygen became an article of the euthanasian creed4 ,as for sewer-gas1 we may yet live to see it manufactured artificially for the improvement of the public health1 and conveyed to our overcrowded drawing-rooms with all the paraphernalia of pipes and the mendacious meter4 ,science has turned so many somersaults even in my short lifetime that ,i am prepared for anything4 ,i have even serious doubts as to the stability of ,darwinism1 ,i have seen so many immortal truths die young4 ,i verily believe that the cocksureness of our century is destined to be the amusement of the next1 which may not impossibly believe that the ape is descended from man by retrogression4 ,our little systems have their day1 ,they have their day--and come again4 ,the science of medicine in particular seems to be always in a critical condition1 and the bacillus bobs up and down in a manner that is painful and free4 ,like ,hamlet's father's ghost1 it eludes our question3 we know not if it is a spirit of health or goblin damned1 angel or demon or delusion4 ,the microbe of to-day is the myth of to-morrow4 ,surgery is the only department of medicine which has made real advances in our century4 ,the rest is guesswork and experiment on vile bodies4 ,i do not know why the ,peculiar ,people should be persecuted for refusing vivi-injection4 ,tolsto1 a friend of his told me1 breathes fire and fury against the doctors1 and will have none of their drugs or their doctrines1 and he is not alone in believing that every tombstone is a monument to some doctor's skill4 ,when doctors disagree1 says the proverb4 ,but do they ever agree--unless they consult8 ,i went to an eminent oculist once1 who anointed my eyes with cocaine in order to make the pupils dilate4 ,but my pupils refused to obey4 ,he was dumfoundered1 and said that such a refusal was unheard of3 it contradicted all experience and all the books4 ,i felt quite conscience-stricken4 ,he tried again and again1 but my pupils remained obdurately small4 ,i apologised for my originality1 and he peered at my eyes minutely1 evidently expecting to find the new humour4 ,so ,i suggested he might try ,horror1 which ,i understood from the novelists made the pupils dilate2 but he replied that that would not be professional4 ,he told me1 however1 a fact which ,i thought well worth his fee4 ,an erudite scientist had devoted a monograph to cocaine1 but failed to discover the one fact about it which was worth knowing1 and which had raised cocaine to the first rank--to wit1 that applied externally it was an anaesthetic1 so that if you put a drop on your tongue you might bite your tongue without hurting yourself4 ,doubtless the poor man was ready enough to bite his tongue when his book was spoilt by the discovery4 ,but ,i cannot help thinking that his case was typical of science--which is appallingly exhaustive and self-satisfied1 but seems just to miss the one essential thing4 ,have you heard the legend of the ,marriage of the ,angel of ,death with a mortal woman8 ,he was aweary of his cheerless professional round1 and longed for domestic joys to brighten his scanty leisure4 ,it did not strike him to domesticate the ,recording ,angel2 but one day1 being sent to despatch a beautiful woman1 he fell in love with her instead1 and married her4 ,but dire was the punishment of his disobedience4 ,the beautiful woman turned out a shrew1 who made ,death's life not worth living1 and as he had refused to kill her when her hour sounded1 she was now immortal4 ,in despair he deserted her and her child1 and would never go near her1 so that her neighbourhood was always healthy1 and she unconsciously made the fortune of several insanitary watering-places4 ,in course of time ,death's son grew up1 and with that curious filial perversity 7which has been especially remarked in the children of clergymen7 he became a physician4 ,and his fame as a physician spread far and wide1 inasmuch as he knew the secret of ,death1 that uxorious and henpecked ,angel having revealed it to his wife in a weak moment4 ,if the ,angel stood at the foot of the bed1 he was only terrifying the patient2 if1 however1 he took up his position at the head of the bed1 he was in deadly earnest1 and hope was vain4 ,inheriting sufficient of his father's nature to see him when he was invisible to others1 the physician was naturally able to prophesy with undeviating accuracy1 though the cunning rascal made great play with stethoscopes and syringes and what not1 and felt pulses and thumped chests before he gave judgment1 and was solicitous in administering drugs when he foresaw the patient was destined to recover4 ,now1 it befell one day that the ,princess of ,paphlagonia 7of whom ,i have told elsewhere7 fell grievously sick1 and none of the physicians could do aught to relieve her4 ,so the king issued a proclamation that whosoever could cure her could have her to wife4 ,now1 the fame of the beauty of the princess had travelled as far as the renown of the mighty physician1 so that desire was kindled in his heart to try for the grand prize4 ,and so ,death's son set out and travelled over land and sea1 comforting the sick everywhere as he passed by1 and curing all those that were fated not to die4 ,and at last he arrived in the capital of ,paphlagonia1 and was received with great joy by the king and all his court1 and ushered into the sick-chamber4 ,a great warmth gathered at his heart as his eyes fell upon the marvellous fairness of the princess2 but the next moment his heart was turned to ice1 for lo6 he perceived the ,angel of ,death standing at the head of the bed4 ,after a moment of agony the physician commanded all present to leave the chamber2 then for the first time he broke the silence his mother had imposed upon him4 ,father1 he said1 have you no pity upon me--you who once loved a woman yourself8 ,then ,death answered1 in a hollow voice3 ,i must do my duty4 ,i disobeyed once1 and my punishment was greater than ,i could bear4 ,father1 pleaded the physician again1 will you not move to the foot of the bed8 ,nay1 ,i cannot1 answered ,death harshly3 ,i was commanded to stay here1 and here ,i must stay4 ,and thou wilt stay there whatever ,i say or do8 asked the physician plaintively4 ,yea1 answered ,death stoutly4 ,then1 wrought up to desperation1 the physician called the attendants in again and bade them turn the bed round1 so that ,death was left standing at the foot4 ,but the ,angel1 seeing himself outwitted1 rushed back to the head4 ,the physician thereupon dismissed the attendants and upbraided him with his broken promise1 but ,death stood firm4 ,at last the physician lost his temper and all his good bedside manner1 and cried furiously3 ,if you're not gone instantly1 ,i'll send for mother6 ,and the ,angel of ,death vanished in the twinkling of the bedpost4 ,till we can marry off ,azrael to a termagant1 ,i do not believe we shall ever really turn the tables upon him4 ,nothing is more surprising to a reader of advertisement columns than that people still continue to die4 ,an army of alchemists has discovered the ,elixir of ,life1 and retails it at one-and-three-halfpence a phial4 ,paracelsus has turned pill-maker1 and prospers exceedingly1 and sells out to a joint-stock company4 ,but the great procession gravewards goes on1 the thin black lines creeping along all day long1 and there is no falling off in the consumption of sherry and biscuits4 ,the scythe of the ,black ,angel shines--opus fervet--and it is always the mowing season4 ,sometimes he stands at the foot of the bed1 and then there is triumph for the pharmacopoeia2 sometimes he stands at the head1 and then the bed becomes a grave and he a tombstone4 ,alas6 his marriage is but a pleasant myth1 and his infallible son a dream4 ,azrael is still a bachelor1 and science is not shrew enough to drive him away4 ,perhaps 't is as well the leeches cannot avert him2 perhaps 't is a blessing that they blunder1 and the kindly grass grows over their mistakes4 ,as it is1 too many people are an unconscionable long time in dying4 ,their habit of procrastination is with them to the last4 ,they linger on--a misery to themselves1 and a thorn to those anxious to mourn their loss4 ,they do not know how to retire gracefully4 ,the art of leaving a world should be taught as a branch of deportment4 ,an ,american philanthropist who died recently was in the habit of girding at the arrangements of the universe1 which did not seem to him organised after the fashion of a bureau of beneficence4 ,he was wont to regret that he had not been present at the creation1 so as to give a few hints4 ,well1 what would you have advised8 a friend once challenged him to say4 ,i would have advised1 he retorted1 that health be made catching instead of disease4 ,at first hearing1 this sounds taking1 but its plausibility diminishes under investigation4 ,health is the normal state of an organism1 the perfect working of its parts1--it is not something superadded1 as disease is4 ,you might as well expect one watch to catch the right time from another4 ,the philanthropist would have been more within the bounds of the reasonable if he had demanded that disease should be more egotistic and less epidemic4 ,every organism ought to consume its own smoke1 and not communicate its misfortunes to its neighbours4 ,and this it does satisfactorily enough in organic disease2 it is only when those impish germs1 microbes and bacilli1 mix themselves up with the matter that we get pathological socialism4 ,i confess that the whole germ business seems to me an illogical element in the scheme of destruction1 though 't is of a piece with the structure of things4 ,and yet there is a sense in which health is catching4 ,there is a contagion of confidence as well as of panic1 and the surest way to escape epidemics is to disbelieve them4 ,radiant people radiate health4 ,the mind is a big factor in things hygienic4 ',t is a poor medicine that takes no account of the soul4 ,we are not earthen receptacles for drugs1 but breathing clay vivified by thoughts and passions4 ,and in the universe of morals1 at any rate1 health is catching just as much as disease4 ,we are ennobled by noble souls1 and uplifted by righteousness4 ,we pattern ourselves unconsciously upon our friends4 ,character is contagious1 and emotion epidemic1 and good-humour has its germs2 copy-book maxims are null and void3 packets of propositions leave us cold4 ,morality can only be taught by object-lessons2 they err egregiously who would teach it by the card4 ,a fine character in a play or a novel outweighs a sermon2 and in real life the preacher pales before the practiser4 ,it is a great day when a man discovers for himself that honesty is the best policy4 ,morality is a matter of feeling and will1 not of intellect4 ,handbooks of ethics may edify the intellect1 and ,cicero de ,officiis be the favourite reading of rogues4 ,i knew a university student who at his examination cribbed ,kant's panegyric of the moral law from a concealed text-book4 ,the legend of ,death's marriage recalls to me that of ,john ,l4 ,sullivan's4 ,it is said that the famous bruiser was in like grievous plight4 ,his wife beat him1 and he had to sue for a divorce on the ground of cruelty6 ,there is something deliciously pathetic about the insignificance of a great man to his wife--his valet feels small at least on pay-day4 ,the ,schoolmaster ,abroad is a rampant divinity with a ferocious ferule2 at home he is a meek person in slippers4 ,the policeman who stands majestically at the cross-roads1 waving the white glove of authority1 nods in the chimney-corner without a helmet4 ,bishop ,proudie was not much of a hero to ,mrs4 ,proudie1 and even a beadle is1 ,i fear1 but moderately imposing in the domestic sanctum4 ,that a prophet is not without honour save in his own country1 we know2 but even if he travel abroad1 he must leave his wife behind him1--else will he never continuously contemplate his own greatness4 ,this is why so many great men remain bachelors4 ,it perhaps also explains why the others are so unhappy in their marriages4 ,perhaps there ought to be a training-school for the supply of great men's wives4 ,,xxii ,,the ,,choice ,,of ,,parents ,yes1 said ,marindin quietly1 they may say they write for ,posterity1 but what living author besides myself does write for ,posterity8 ,this sounded so unlike ,marindin's modesty that ,i wondered if the port and the paradoxes of our ,christmas dinner had got into his head at last4 ,the veteran man of letters had talked brilliantly more suo of many things1 most of all perhaps of his dead friend1 ,charles ,dickens4 ,who seemed more surely to have been writing ,christmas stories for ,posterity8 we had asked ourselves musingly1 as we discussed the change of temper since the days when ,dickens or ,father ,christmas might have stood for the ,time-,spirit4 ,many good things had ,marindin said of ,ibsen and ,nietzsche and the modern apostles of self-development who sneered at the ,gospel of self-sacrifice1 and at all the amiable virtues our infancy had drawn from ,the ,fairchild ,family with its engaging references to ,jeremiah xvii4 #i4 ,but now he was breaking out in a new way1 and ,i missed the reassuring twinkle in his eye4 ,i think ,i may without arrogance claim to be the one author who really has considerable influence with ,posterity1 he went on1 drawing serenely at his cigar and adjusting his right leg more comfortably across the arm of his easy-chair4 ,is there any one else whom ,posterity listens to8 ,i shifted uneasily in my own arm-chair4 ,what do you mean8 ,i inquired baldly4 ,don't you know ,i write for the unborn8 he counter-queried4 ,but they don't read you--yet1 ,i said1 trying to smile4 ,my dear fellow6 ,why1 ,i'm the best-read man in ,ante-land4 ,the unborn swear by me6 ,my publishers1 ,fore and ,futurus1 are simply rolling in promissory notes4 ,you've become a ,theosophist6 ,i cried in alarm1 for that familiar twinkle in his eye had been replaced by a strange exaltation4 ,and what if ,i have8 ,theosophy6 ,i cried scornfully--,theology for ,atheists6 ,the main contemporary form of the ,higher ,foolishness4 ,the ,higher ,foolishness6 echoed ,marindin indignantly4 ,yes1 the ,foolishness of the fool with brains4 ,the brainless fool fulfils himself in low ways--in alcoholic saturnalia1 in salvation carnivals1 in freethought hysterics1 in political bombs4 ,the ,higher ,foolishness expresses itself in aberrations of poetry and art1 in table-rapping and theosophy1 in vegetarianism1 and in mystic calculations about the ,beast4 ,it is you who are the fool1 he replied shortly4 ,theosophy is true--that is1 my form of it4 ,birth is but the name for the entry upon this particular form of existence4 ,our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting4 ,the soul that rises with us1 our life's star1 ,hath had elsewhere its setting1 ,and cometh from afar4 ,the unborn pre-exist1 even as the dead persist2 and instead of addressing ,posterity posthumously and circuitously1 ,i have anticipated its verdict4 ,i have written for the unborn1 direct4 ,i have been the apostle of the ,new ,ethics among the pre-natal populations1 the prophet of individualism among the unborn4 ,what6 ,you have propagated the teaching that free choice must be the battle-cry of the future1 that the only genuine morality is that which is the spontaneous outcome of an emancipated individuality6 ,precisely4 ,but what has free choice to do with the unborn8 ,what has it to do8 ,great heavens6 ,everything4 ,the battle-cry of the future will be ,free ,birth4 ,free ,birth6 ,i echoed4 ,yes--this is what ,i have been preaching to the unborn--the choice of their parents before consenting to be born6 ,compulsory birth must be swept away4 ,what6 would you sweep away all checks upon the individuality of the individual--once he is born would you tear asunder all the swaddling-bands of our baby civilisation2 would you replace the rules of the nursery by the orderly anarchy of manhood and womanhood1 and yet retain such an incoherent anachronism as compulsory birth--a disability which often cripples a man upon the very threshold of his career8 ,without this initial reform the individualism of your ,ibsens and ,auberon ,herberts becomes a mere simulacrum1 a hollow mockery4 ,if you are to develop your individuality1 it must be your own individuality that you develop1 not an individuality thrust upon you by a couple of outsiders4 ,and you have preached this with success8 ,with unheard-of success4 ,unheard-of1 indeed6 ,i muttered sarcastically4 ,in your plane of existence6 he retorted4 ,in ,ante-land the movement has spread widely2 scarcely a soul but has become convinced of the evils of compulsion in this most personal matter1 and of the necessity of having a voice in its own incarnation4 ,and it is ,i1 moi qui vous parle1 who have sown the seeds of the revolt against our present social arrangements4 ,too long had parents presumed upon the ignorance and helplessness of the unborn and upon their failure to combine4 ,but now the great wave of emancipation which is lifting us all off our feet has reached the coming race4 ,and soon the old ideal will be nothing but a strangled snake by the cradle of ,hercules4 ,why1 ,i never heard of such a thing in all my born days6 ,i cried helplessly4 ,of course not2 you are more ignorant than the babe unborn4 ,you trouble yourself about the next world1 but as to what may be going on in the last world1 that never enters your head4 ,but for the tyranny of outward social forms you and ,i might have deferred our birth till a serener century4 ,henceforth the dreamer of dreams will have only himself to blame if he is born out of his due time and called upon to set the crooked straight4 ,job himself would have escaped his misfortunes if he had only had the patience to wait4 ,in future any one who is born in a hurry will be a born idiot4 ,what6 ,will the unborn choose the time of birth as well as their parents8 ,one is implicated in the other4 ,suppose the soul wished to be the son of an ,american ,duke1 naturally it would have to wait till aristocracy was developed across the ,atlantic1 say some time in the next century4 ,i see4 ,and is there a public opinion in ,ante-land that regulates private action8 ,yes1 but ,i have now educated it to the higher ethics4 ,it used to be the respectable thing to be born of strangers without one's own consent1 though at the bottom of their souls many persons believed this to be sheer immorality1 and cursed the day they were led to the cradle1 and became the mere playthings of the parents who acquired them--pretty toys to be dandled and caressed1 just a larger variety of doll4 ,but all this is almost over4 ,henceforth birth will be considered immoral unless it is spontaneous--the outcome of an intelligent selection of parents1 based on love4 ,on love8 ,yes2 should not a child love its father and mother8 and how can we expect it to love people it has never seen1 to whom it is tied in the most brutal way1 without a voice in the control of its destinies at the absolutely most important turning-point of its whole existence8 ,true1 a child should love its parents1 ,i conceded4 ,but is not the quiet1 sober affection that springs up after birth1 an affection founded on mutual association and mutual esteem1 better than all the tempestuous ardours of pre-natal passion that may not survive the christening8 ,ah1 that is the good old orthodox cant6 cried ,marindin1 puffing out a great cloud of smoke4 ,what certainty is there this post-natal love would spring up8 ,and1 at any rate1 a man would no longer be able to blame ,providence if he found himself tied for life to a couple for whom he had nothing but loathing and contempt4 ,even the adherents of the old conception of compulsory childship begin to see that the stringency of the filial tie needs relaxation4 ,already it is recognised that in cases of cruelty the child may be divorced from the parent4 ,but there is a hopeless incompatibility of temper and temperament which is not necessarily attended with cruelty4 ,drunkenness1 lunacy1 and criminality should also be regarded as valid grounds for divorce1 the parent being no longer allowed to bear the name of the child it has dishonoured4 ,but who shall say1 ,i asked sceptically1 that the new self-appointed generation will be happier than the old8 ,what guarantee is there that the choice of parents will be made with taste and discretion8 ,marindin shrugged his shoulders impatiently4 ,come and interview the unborn1 he said1 and fixed his unsmiling eye on mine1 as though to hypnotise me4 ,what happened then ,i shall never be able to explain4 ,i was translated into another scale of being1 into the last world in fact2 and just as it is impossible to describe a symphony to a deaf mute or a sunset to a man born blind1 so it is impossible for me to put down in terms of our present consciousness the experiences ,i went through in that earlier pre-natal stage of existence4 ,what ,i perceived in ,ante-land must needs be expressed through the language of this world1 to which in effect it bears as true and constant a relation as the vibration of a violin string to its music4 ,i soon gathered that1 as ,marindin had claimed1 his doctrines had made considerable incursions in the last world1 and1 what was more surprising1 in this4 ,there seemed to be quite a considerable sect of parents spread all through ,europe and ,america1 pledged to respect the rights of the unborn1 and it was in co-operation with this enlightened minority--destined1 no doubt1 in time to become the ,universal ,church--that the unborn worked4 ,the sect embraced many couples of wealth and position1 and1 as was to be expected1 at the start there had been a rush among the unborn for millionaire parents4 ,but it was soon discovered that birth for money was a mistake1 that it too often led to a spendthrift youth and a bankrupt age1 and that there was not seldom a legacy duty to pay in the shape of hereditary diseases1 sometimes amounting to as much as two pains in the pound2 the gold rush was therefore abating4 ,birth for beauty had also been popular till experience demonstrated the insubstantiality of good looks as a panoply throughout life4 ,gradually the real conditions of earthly happiness were coming to be understood4 ,unborn preachers in their unbuilt churches tried in their unspoken sermons to lead souls to the higher bodies or to save souls from precipitate incarnation4 ,marindin's own unwritten books sustained ,paley's thesis of the essentially equal distribution of happiness among all classes1 and left it for the individual soul to decide between the realities of toil and the unrealities of prosperity1 ,marindin took the opportunity of our presence in ,ante-land to pay a visit to his publishers1 ,fore and ,futurus1 of whose honesty and generosity he spoke in glowing terms4 ,fore received us2 he seemed to be a thorough gentleman1 this unborn publisher4 ,he showed us the design for a cover to a new ,guide to the ,selection of ,parents1 which he was about to bring out1 and which he hoped would become the standard work on the subject4 ,i gathered that these ,guides were very popular as birthday presents1 enabling1 as they did1 those just about to be born to think once more before making the final plunge4 ,the feature of the ,fore and ,futurus ,guide was the appendix of contributions from souls already born1 whose mistakes might serve to benefit those still unattached4 ,but how can there be a guide to such a frightful labyrinth8 ,i inquired curiously4 ,japhet in search of a father had a light task before him compared with the selection of one4 ,and it is not only the selection of a father1 but of a mother6 ,to take the outside variations only3 the father may be handsome1 good-looking1 plain or ugly2 the mother may be beautiful1 pretty1 plain or ugly4 ,any of these types of fathers may be paired with any of these types of mothers1 which makes sixteen complications4 ,then there is complexion--fair or dark--which makes sixty-four1 for you know how1 by algebraic calculations1 every new possibility multiplies into all the others4 ,if one turns to mental and moral characteristics1 one's brain swims to think of the new complications incalculably numerous and all multiplying into the old physical combinations4 ,multiply furthermore by all the combinations arising from considerations of health1 money1 position1 nationality1 religion1 order of birth--whether as first1 second1 or thirteenth child--and the strongest intellect reels and breaks down4 ,even now ,i have not enumerated all the possibilities2 for the total would have to be doubled for the contingency of sex1 since ,i presume birth would not be absolutely free1 unless it included the right of choosing one's sex4 ,to take a concrete instance of the embarrassment which ,free ,birth would bring1 and of the invidious distinctions that would have to be made3 which is the better lot8--to be the third daughter of a nineteenth-century1 healthy1 ugly1 penniless1 clever1 middle-aged1 moral1 free-thinking ,german ,baron by a beautiful1 rich1 stupid1 plebeian ,spanish dancer1 with one child by a previous marriage1 and a tendency to consumption2 or the second son of a twentieth-century ,american ,duke1 unhealthy1 uncultured1 handsome1 chaste1 ,ritualist1 elderly and poor1 by an ,english heiress1 ugly1 low-born1 ,low ,church1 ill-bred1 intellectual1 with a silly and only semi-detached mother8 ,but this would be a problem of unreal simplicity1 bearing as much relation to actuality as the first law of motion to the flight of a bird1 for your choice would lie not between one pair and another1 but among all possible pairs4 ,all existing pairs possible to you1 corrected ,marindin4 ,people manage to choose husbands and wives1 though according to your computation the whole of the opposite sex would have to be examined and selected from4 ,in practice the choice is narrowed down to a few individuals4 ,so with the choice of parents--most are already snapped up1 monopolised or mortgaged1 or contracted for1 and you have either to choose from the leavings or postpone your birth1 and bide your time a century or two4 ,but the problem is greatly simplified by the ,p4 ,c4 ,what is the ,p4 ,c48 ,i murmured4 ,the ,parental ,certificate1 of course4 ,throughout the terrestrial branch of our sect no one is eligible for parentage who does not possess it4 ,it is given only to those who have passed the ,p4 ,d4 or ,parents' ,degree examination1 and supplements the old ,p4 ,l4 or ,parents' ,licence1 which was openly bought and sold4 ,and the qualifications8 ,oh1 very elementary4 ,the candidate is required to pass an exam1 7both written and oral7 in the training of the young1 and to be certified of sound mind in sound body4 ,the ,p4 ,l4 itself has been transformed into a licence to keep one1 two or more children1 according to means4 ,you see our ',guide' deals merely with the great typical pairs1 explained the publisher4 ,what ,aristotle did for ,logic our author has done for ,birth4 ,he only pretends to give general categories4 ,aristotle could not guarantee a man shall properly reason1 nor can any individual be infallibly inspired to the wisest choice of parentage4 ,of course the photographs of parents are of great service to the unborn who are thinking of settling down4 ,how do they get to see them8 ,oh1 as soon as a couple passes the ,p4 ,d4 and receives the ,p4 ,c4 they appear in the illustrated papers--especially the ladies' papers4 ',graduates of the ,week' is the heading4 ,and then there is the ,p4 ,t4--the ,pathological ,tree4 ,i looked at the publisher in perplexity4 ,gracious6 ,i forget this is your first visit to ,ante-land1 he said1 apologetically4 ,look6 ,here are some ,p4 ,ts4 my lawyer has just been looking over for me1 the property of parents whose advertisements for children ,i have been answering4 ,my friends are rather anxious ,i should incarnate4 ,i surveyed the parchment roll with curiosity4 ,it was a tree1 on the model of a genealogical tree1 but tracing the hygienic record of the family4 ,in our sect1 said ,marindin impressively1 it will become the pride of the family to have an unblemished pedigree1 and any child who gets himself born into such a family will do so with the responsibility of carrying on the noble tradition of the house and living up to the sanitary scutcheon--sant oblige4 ,when children begin to be fastidious about the families they are born into1 parents will have to improve1 or die childless4 ,and1 as the love of offspring springs eternal in the human breast1 this will have an immense influence upon the evolution of the race to higher goals4 ,i do not know any force of the future on which we can count more hopefully than on the refinement resulting from the struggle for offspring and the survival of the fittest to be parents4 ,undesirable families will become extinct4 ,the unborn will subtly mould the born to higher things4 ,childlessness will become again what it was in the ,orient--a shame and a reproach4 ,yes1 asserted the publisher1 smoothing out the ,p4 ,ts42 the old unreasoned instinct and repugnance will be put on a true basis when it is seen that childlessness is a proof of unworthiness--a brand of failure4 ,as old-maidenhood is1 less justly1 to-day1 ,i put in4 ,quite so1 said ,marindin eagerly4 ,in their anxiety to be worthy of selection by ,posterity1 parents will rise to heights of health and holiness of which our sick generation does not dream4 ,if they do not1 woe to them6 ,they will be remorselessly left to die out without issue4 ,the change has begun2 our sect is spreading fast4 ,in the course of a century or two physical and mental deformities will vanish from the earth4 ,his eye flashed prophetic fire4 ,so soon8 ,i said1 with a sceptical smile4 ,how could they survive8 ,marindin inquired scathingly4 ,is it likely any of us would consent to be born hunchbacks8 broke in the publisher2 or to enter families with hereditary gout8 ,would any sane ,antelander put himself under the yoke of animal instincts or tendencies to drink8 ,ah1 here is a bibulous grandfather6 and he tossed one of the ,p4 ,ts4 disdainfully aside1 though ,i observed that the old gentleman in question had been an ,english ,earl4 ,but1 ,mr4 ,fore1 ,i protested1 will all the unborn attach such importance to the pathological pedigree as you do8 ,what power will make them train up their parents in the way they should go8 ,the greatest power on earth1 broke in ,marindin2 the power of selfishness1 backed by education4 ,enlightened selfishness is all that is needed to bring about the millennium4 ,the selfishness of to-day is so stupid4 ,let the unborn care only for their own skins1 and they will improve the parents1 and be well brought up themselves by the good parents they have selected4 ,but come now1 ,mr4 ,fore1 ,i said2 the new system has been partially at work1 ,i understand1 for some time4 ,do you assure me1 on your word of honor as an unborn publisher1 that the filial franchise has been invariably exercised wisely and well8 ,of course not1 interrupted ,marindin4 ,haven't ,i already told you there has been much fumbling and experimentation1 some souls being born for money and some for beauty and some for position8 ,but pioneers must always suffer--for the benefit of those who come after4 ,certainly there have been rash and improvident births1 admitted the publisher4 ,hasty births1 premature births1 secret births1 morganatic births1 illegitimate births1 and every variety of infelicitous intrusion upon your planet4 ,the rash are born too early1 the cautious too late2 some even repent on the very brink of birth and elect to be stillborn4 ,but in the majority of cases birth is the outcome of mature deliberation2 a contract entered into with a full sense of the responsibilities of the situation4 ,but what do you understand by illegitimate birth8 ,i asked4 ,the selection of parents not possessing the ,p4 ,c4 ,there are always eccentric spirits who would defy the dearest and most sacred institutions organised by society for its own protection4 ,we are gradually creating a public opinion to discountenance such breaches of the law1 and such perils to the commonweal1 subversive as they are of all our efforts to promote the general happiness and holiness4 ,even in your uncivilised communities1 continued the publisher1 these unlicensed and illegitimate immigrants are stamped with life-long opprobrium and subjected to degrading disabilities2 how much infamy should then attach to them when the sin they are born in is their own6 ,a lesser degree of illegitimacy1 added ,marindin1 is to be born into a family already containing the full number it is licensed for4 ,this happens particularly in rich families1 introductions into which are naturally most sought after4 ,it is still a moot point whether the birth should be legitimatised on the death of one of the other children4 ,but it is the indirect results that ,i look forward to most1 he went on after a pause4 ,for example1 the solution of ,nihilism in ,russia4 ,what has that to do with the unborn8 ,i asked1 quite puzzled4 ,don't you see that the czarship will die out8 ,how so8 ,no one will risk being born into the ,imperial family4 ,i should say that birth within four degrees of consanguinity of the ,czar would be so rare that it would come to be regarded as criminal4 ,yes1 that and many another question will be solved quite peaceably1 said the publisher4 ,you saw me reject a noble grandfather2 the growth of democratic ideals among us must ultimately abolish hereditary aristocracy4 ,so1 too1 the question of second marriages and the deceased wife's sister may be left to the taste and ethical standards of the unborn1 who can easily1 if they choose1 set their faces against such unions4 ,you see the centre of gravity would be shifted to the pre-natal period1 explained ,marindin1 when the soul is more liable to noble influences4 ,the moment the human being is born it is definitely moulded2 all your training can only modify the congenital cast4 ,but the real potentialities are in the unborn4 ,while there is not life there is hope4 ,when you commence to educate the child it is already too late4 ,but if the great forces of education are brought to bear upon the unformed1 you may bring all ,itigh qualities to birth4 ,think1 for instance1 how this will contribute to the cause of religion4 ,the unborn will simply eliminate the false religions by refusing to be born into them4 ,persuade the unborn1 touch them1 convert them6 ,you1 ,i am sure1 ,mr4 ,fore1 he said1 turning to the worthy publisher1 would never consent to be born into the wrong religion6 ,not if hell-fire was the penalty of an unhappy selection1 replied ,mr4 ,fore4 ,of course not1 said ,marindin4 ,missionaries have always flown in the face of psychology4 ,henceforward1 moreover1 ,jews will be converted at a period more convenient for baptism4 ,we hope to mould politics1 too1 added the publisher1 by boycotting certain races and replenishing others4 ,yes1 cried ,marindin2 it is my hope that by impregnating the unborn with a specific set of prejudices1 they might be induced to settle in particular countries1 and ,i cannot help thinking that patriotism would be more intelligent when it was voluntary2 self-imposed from admiration of the ideals and history of a particular people4 ,indeed this seems to me absolutely the only way in which1 reason can be brought to bear on the great war question1 for in lieu of that loud eloquence of ,woolwich infants there would be exercised the silent pressure of the unborn1 who could simply annihilate an undesirable nation1 or decimate an offensive district by refusing to be born in it4 ,surely this would be the most rational way of settling the ever-menacing ,franco-,prussian quarrel4 ,i observe already a certain anti-,gallic feeling in ,ante-land1 put in the publisher4 ,a growing disinclination to be born in ,france1 if not a preference for being made in ,germany4 ,but these things belong to la haute politique ,my own suspicion is1 ,i ventured to suggest1 that there is a growing disinclination to be born anywhere1 and this new privilege of free choice will simply bring matters to a climax4 ,your folks1 confronted by the endless problem of choosing their own country and century1 their own family and their own religion1 will dilly-dally and shilly-shally and put off birth so long that they will never change their condition at all4 ,they will come to the conviction that it is better not to be born2 better to bear the evils that they know than fly to others that they know not of4 ,what if the immigration of destitute little aliens into our planet ceased altogether8 ,marindin shrugged his shoulders1 and there came into his face that indescribable look of the hopeless mystic4 ,then humanity would have reached its goal3 it would come naturally and gently to an end4 ,the euthanasia of the race would be accomplished1 and the glorified planet1 cleansed of wickedness at last1 would take up its part again in the chorus of the spheres4 ,but like most ideals1 ,i fear this is but a pleasant dream4 ,then1 as the publisher turned away to replace the ,p4 ,ts4 in a safe1 he added softly3 ,intelligence is never likely to be so widely diffused in ,ante-land that the masses would fight shy of birth4 ,there would always be a sufficient proportion of unborn fools left who would prefer the palpabilities of bodily form to the insubstantialities of pre-natal existence4 ,between you and me1 our friend the publisher is extremely anxious to be published4 ,and yet he seems intelligent enough1 ,i argued4 ,ah1 well1 it cannot be denied that there are some lives decidedly worth living1 and our friend ,fore will probably bring up his parents to the same profession as himself4 ,no doubt there would always be competition for the best births1 ,i observed1 smiling4 ,yes1 replied ,marindin sadly2 the struggle for existence will always continue among the unborn4 ,suddenly a thought set me a-grin4 ,why1 what difference can the choice of parents make after all8 ,i cried4 ,suppose you had picked my parents--you would have been ,i1 and ,i should be somebody else1 and somebody else would be you4 ,and there would be the three of us1 just the same as now1 and ,i chuckled aloud4 ,you seem to have had pleasant dreams1 old man1 replied ,marindin4 ,but his voice sounded strange and far away4 99 99 99 99 99 ,i opened my eyes wide in astonishment1 and saw him buried in an easy-chair1 with a book in his hand and two tears rolling down his cheeks4 ,i've been reading of ,tiny ,tim while you snoozed1 he said apologetically4 ,,xxiii ,,pater ,,and ,,prose ,it seems only yesterday--and it is only yesteryear--since ,walter ,pater sat by my side in a ,club garden1 and listened eloquently to my after-lunch causerie1 and now he is gone ,to where1 beyond the ,voices1 there is ,peace4 ,you grasp that his eloquence was oracular1 silent4 ,he had an air4 ,there was in him--as in his work--a suggestion of aloofness from the homespun world4 ,i suspect he had never heard ,chevalier4 ,i should not wonder if he had never even heard of him4 ,he was wrapped in the atmosphere of ,oxford1 and though the last enchantments of the ,middle ,ages in no wise threw their glamour over his thought1 there was a cloistral distinction in his attitude4 ,he reminded me of my friend the ,cambridge professor1 who1 when the ,o',shea business was filling eight columns daily of the papers that deprecate honest art1 innocently asked me if there was anything new about ,parnell4 ,pater did not probably carry detachment from the contemporary so far as that1 but he was in harmony with his hedonistic creed in permitting only a select fraction of the cosmos to have the entry to his consciousness4 ,a delightful1 elegantly-furnished consciousness it was1 with the latest improvements1 and with every justification for exclusiveness4 ,but there is in men of ,mr4 ,pater's stamp something of what might be termed the higher ,pod-snappery4 ,they put things aside with the wave of a white-gloved hand3 this and that do not exist1 ,mr4 ,podsnap himself--,o the irony of it6--among them4 ,like ,mr4 ,podsnap1 though on a different plane1 they take themselves and their view of life too seriously4 ,when ,i told ,mr4 ,pater that there was a pun in his ,plato and ,platonism1 he asked anxiously for its precise locality1 so that he might remove it4 ,this ,i could not remember1 but ,i told him ,i did not see why he should remove one of the best things in the book4 ,but my assurances that the pun was excellent did not seem to tranquillise him4 ,now1 why should not a philosopher make a pun8 ,shakespeare was an incorrigible punster4 ,why should a man's life be divided into little artificial sections1 like the labelled heads in the phrenologist's window8 ,i do not want to see a man put on his ,sunday clothes to talk about religion4 ,but a congenital inelasticity is fostered in the atmosphere of common-rooms1 there where solemn-footed serving-men present the port with sacerdotal ceremonies1 and where1 if the dons are no longer 7in the classic phrase of ,gibbon7 sunk in port and superstition1 the port is still a superstition4 ,this absence of humour1 this superhuman seriousness bred of heavy traditions peculiarly ,english1 this sobriety nourished by sacerdotal port1 give the victim quite a wrong sense of values and proportions4 ,he mistakes ,university for ,universe4 ,his tastes become the measure of a creation of which he is the centre4 ,hence an abiding gravity that is ever on the brink of dulness4 ,the ,englishman cannot afford to be grave1 the bore is so close at hand4 ,and yet1 if one did not take oneself seriously1 ,i suppose nothing would ever be done4 ,a kindly illusion about their importance in the scheme of things is ,nature's instrument for getting work out of men4 ,don't you think ,flaubert took himself too seriously8 ,i heard a lady novelist ask a gentleman practitioner4 ,certainly his correspondence with ,george ,sand reveals an anchorite of letters1 who tortured the phrase and sacrificed sleep to the adjective1 and the brothers ,de ,goncourt--themselves very serious gentlemen--have recorded how he considered his book as good as finished because he had invented the dying falls of the music of his periods4 ,but if ,flaubert had sufficiently contemplated the infinities1 the immense indifference of things1 if1 like the astronomer in search of a creed1 he had concentrated his vision on the point to which the whole solar system is drifting1 ,french prose would have lost some of its most wonderful pages2 and had the late ,mr4 ,pater been less troubled by the rose-leaf of style and more by the thorns of the time1 ,english prose would have been the poorer by harmonies and felicities unsurpassed and unsurpassable4 ,this is to ignore ,pater the ,philosopher and ,pater the ,critic4 ,of these persons there will be varying estimates4 ,they have even in a sense1 through the extravagances of a disciple1 been subjected to the verdict of a ,british jury--a sufficiently ironic revenge upon the fastidious shrinker from the ,philistines2 and though1 of course1 it was not theories of art and philosophy that were being tried by jury1 yet these side-issues contributed to prejudice the twelve good men and true4 ,but it is only congruous with the trend of democratic thought that everything should come under the censorship of the crowd1 and the only wonder is that long ere this the vexed questions of our troubled time have not been solved by plbiscite4 ,a leading ,new ,york paper is commended for its patronage of literature1 because it offers large prizes for stories1 the prizes to be awarded by the votes of its readers4 ,if the crowd is capable of appraising literature1 there is no reason why it should not take science and art similarly into its hands1 nor why the counting of heads should not replace the marshalling of arguments in philosophy and ethics4 ,in politics the mob has a right to be heard1 because it has a right to express its grievances4 ,could an aristocracy be trusted to do justly by ,demos1 democracy would have no reason to be4 ,but this right of the many-headed monster to a control of the governmental agencies that affect its own happiness1 does not involve the ability to decide less selfish problems2 and when1 as rarely happens1 abstract problems find themselves in the witness-box1 then the ,palladium of ,british liberty becomes a mockery of justice4 ,legal judgment of his peers1 says ,magna ,charta2 but when an exceptional man blunders into the dock1 is he ever accorded a panel of his equals8 ,things are no better in ,france4 ,when ,flaubert was arraigned for his ,madame ,bovary1 he did not get a box of men of letters1 though there is so much more sense of art in the citizens of ,paris1 that even by the bourgeois jury he was acquitted without a stain on the character of his book4 ,the central figure of our ,english episode had nothing so creditable as an immoral book to his charge1 but indirectly the relations of art and morality came into question1 and he declared that he followed ,pater1 the one critic he recognised1 in believing that there were no relations between art and morality1 that a book could not be immoral1 but might be something worse--badly written4 ,now1 this is the favourite doctrine of ,chelsea1 and doubtless something may be said for it2 but to put it forth1 as the doctrine of ,pater is a libel--almost a criminal libel--on that great writer4 ,these young men who live for the ,beautiful have only understood as much of ,pater as would justify epicurean existence4 ,let us examine this pretension of the prophet of the importance of being flippant1 to be a disciple of ,pater4 ,no doubt ,pater was something of an ,impressionist in his philosophy of life4 ,an eloquent expounder of the ,heracletian flux1 ,greek3 panta rei1 of the relativity of systems of thought and conduct1 and of the duty of seizing the flying moments--failure in life is to form habits1--he did not omit1 like his one-sided disciples1 to consider the quality of those moments4 ,it was the highest quality you were to give to your moments as they passed2 to fail to do this was on this short day of frost and sun to sleep before evening4 7,the ,renaissance47 ,marius the ,epicurean was not an ,epicurean in the sense in which the doctrines of ,epicurus have been travestied through the ages3 he turned away sickened from the barbarities of the gladiatorial combats1 longing for the time when the forces of the future would create a heart that would make it impossible to be thus pleasured4 ,if ,carpe diem is ,pater's motto1 the hour is not to be plucked ignobly2 if style is his watchword in art1 style alone cannot make great ,art1 though it may make good ,art4 ,the distinction1 between good ,art and great ,art depends immediately not on its form but on its matter4 ,it is on the quality of the matter it informs or controls1 its compass1 its variety1 its alliance to great ends1 or the depth of the note of revolt1 or the largeness of hope in it1 that the greatness of literary art depends1 as ',the ,divine ,comedy1' ',paradise ,lost1' ',les ,misrables1' the ,english ,bible1 are great art4 7,essay on ,style47 ,your ,chelsea manikin would never dream of these things as great art3 his whole soul is expressed in ballads and canzonets1 in strange esoteric contes1 in nocturnes and colour-symphonies1 in the bric--brac of aesthetics4 ,furthermore let the soi-disant disciples ponder this explicit statement of the ,master3 ,given the conditions ,i haye tried to explain as constituting good art1--then1 if it be devoted further to the increase of men's happiness1 to the redemption of the oppressed1 or the enlargement of our sympathies with each other1 or to such presentment of new or old truth about ourselves and our relation to the world as may ennoble and fortify us in our sojourn here1 or immediately1 as with ,dante1 to the glory of ,god1 it will also be great ,art4 ,yes1 if ,pater protested against the vulgarity which is dead to form1 he was no less contemptuous of the stupidity which is dead to the substance4 7,postscript to ,appreciations47 ,if he fought shy of the ,absolute1 if he denied fixed principles1 and repudiated every formula less living and flexible than life 7,essay on ,coleridge71 he could still sympathise passionately with ,coleridge's hunger for the ,eternal4 ,so much for the literary art4 ,but even in painting1 where the self-sufficiency of style is proclaimed somewhat more speciously1 the purveyor of ,chelsea ware will find scant countenance in the adored ,master4 ,nowhere can ,i find him preaching ,art for ,art's sake1 in the jejune sense of the empty-headed acolytes of the aesthetic4 ,with him the formula was for the spectator of art2 it has been misapplied to the maker of art4 ,pater's studies of the great pictures of the ,renaissance are1 if anything1 rather too much taken up with their intellectual content1 and their latent revelation of the temper of the time and the artist4 ,no1 these young men are no disciples of ,pater4 ,in their resoluteness to live in the ,beautiful 7which is not always distinguishable from the ,bestial71 they have forgotten the other items of the trinity of ,goethe1 they have lost sight of the ,true and the ,whole4 ,it is ,whistler who is the prophet of the divorce of ,art from ,life1 of the antithesis of ,art and ,nature4 ,when ,whistler said1 ,another foolish sunset1 he spake the word that called into being all these degenerate paradoxes1 though ,i am not sure but what ,mr4 ,sydney ,grundy was before him in creating a stage-manager who thinks meanly of the moons and the scenic backgrounds of real life4 ,it is a good joke1 this of ,nature paling before ,art1 or reduced to plagiarising ,art1--,where1 if not from the ,impressionists1 do we get those wonderful brown fogs that come creeping down our streets1 blurring the gas lamps and changing the houses into monstrous shadows8--but as the basis of a philosophy of ,art it palls4 ,the germ of truth in it is that metaphysically these effects may be said not to have existed till artists taught us to see and to look for them4 ,but1 after all1 wise old ,shakespeare has the last word3 ,nature is made better by no mean ,but ,nature makes that mean3 so o'er that ,art1 ,which you say adds to ,nature1 is an ,art ,that ,nature makes4 ,but these things are not for the ,british jury4 ,pater1 the literary artist1 however1 one is more driven to praise than to appraise4 ,this exquisite care for words has something of moral purity--as well as physical daintiness in it4 ,there is indeed something priestly in this consecration of language1 in this reverent ablution of the counters of thought1 those poor counters so overcrusted with the dirt of travel1 so loosely interchangeable among the vulgar2 the figure of the stooping devotee shows sublime in a garrulous world4 ,what a heap of mischief ,m4 ,jourdain has done by his discovery that he was talking prose all his life6 ,prose1 indeed6 ,moliere has much to answer for4 ,the rough1 shuffling1 slipshod1 down-at-heel1 clipped1 frayed talk of every-day life bears as much relation to prose as a music-hall ditty to poetry4 ,the name prose must be reserved for the fine art of language--that fine art whose other branch is poetry4 ,it is a grammarians' term1 prose1 and belongs not to the herd4 ,they do not need it1 and it would never have come into ,m4 ,jourdain's head or out of his mouth1 had he not taken a tutor4 ,and yet the delusion is common enough--even with those to whom ,moliere is ,greek--that prose is anything which is not poetry4 ,as well say that poetry is anything which is not prose4 ,of the two branches of the art of language1 prose is the more difficult4 ,this is not the opinion of those who know nothing about it4 ,they fancy a difficulty about rhymes and metres4 ',t is all the other way4 ,rhymes are the rudders of thought2 they steer the poet's bark4 ,he cannot get to ,heaven itself without striking seven1 or mixing up his meaning with foreign leaven4 ,his shifts to avoid these shifts are pathetic to a degree4 ,he flounders about twixt given and levin1 and has been known to snatch desperately at reaven4 ,of all fraudulent crafts commend me to the poet's4 ,he is a paragon of deceit and quackery1 a jingling knave4 ',t is a game of bouts rims1 and he calls it inspiration4 ,no wonder ,plato would have none of him in his ,republic1 even though ,plato's poets were guiltless of rhyme and slaves only to metre4 ,but the metre of verse1 too1 is a friend to thought1 and its enemy4 ,it is like wheels to a cart2 not unsagaciously is ,pegasus figured with wings4 ,he flies away with you1 and you are lulled by the regular flap1 flap of his pinions1 and his goal concerns you little4 ,the swing and the rush of the verse compensate for reason1 and it is wonderful how far a little sense will fly when tricked out with fine feathers4 ,even in stately1 rhymeless decasyllabics the march and music of the verse help a limping thought along like a sore-footed soldier striding to the band4 ,but the prose-writer has none of these advantages4 ,he is like an actor without properties4 ,his thoughts do not go along with a flutter of flags and a blare of trombones4 ,nor do they glide upon castors4 ,they must needs lumber on after a fashion of their own1 and if there is a music to their ambulation it must be individual1 neither in common nor in three-eight time1 but winding and quickening at will1 with no strait symmetry of antiphonal bars4 ,there is nothing to tell you the writer has made prose--as the spacing and the capital letters invite you to look for poetry4 ,he has to depend only upon himself4 ,this is why blank verse--which approaches prose most nearly--is so much more difficult to write than rhymed verse1 though it looks so much easier and more tempting to the amateur4 ,are we not justified1 then1 in taking the logical step further1 and saying that prose1 which strips itself of the last rags of adventitious ornament1 and which tempts the amateur most of all1 is the highest of all literary forms1 the most difficult of all to handle triumphantly8 ,may we not compare the music of it--that music which we get in ,ruskin and in ,pater--to the larger rhythms to which the savage drum-beat has developed8 ,rhythm is undoubtedly an instinct1 but civilisation brings complexity4 ,from the tom-tom to the tune1 from the tune to the symphony4 ,in the vaster reaches and sweeps of the rhythm of prose there is a massive music as of ,wagnerian orchestras4 ,anybody can enjoy the castanet-play of rhymes2 half your popular proverbs clash at the ends2 the jigging of our rhyming mother-wits is on everybody's lips4 ,but for the blank verse of ,paradise ,lost there is only audience fit1 though few2 and as for the music of prose1 so little is it understood that critics vaguely aware of it had to invent the term prose poet when they found the stress of passion and imagination effervescing into resonant utterance4 ,on the other hand1 there are those who do not acknowledge ,pope as a poet4 ,the essence of the long-standing quarrel is a confusion4 ,from the point of view of form there is only one kind of writer to be recognised--the artist in words4 ,of him there are two varieties3 the artist who uses rhyme and metre1 and the artist who--wilfully or through impotence--dispenses with them4 ,from the point of view of matter there is the artist with soul and the artist without soul4 ,soul is shorthand for that mysterious something the absence of which urges people to deny ,pope the title of poet4 ,they feel the intangible something is not there1 the consecration and the poet's dream4 ,but with the conventional distinctions1 there is no name left for ,pope1 if he is not a poet4 ,the truth is that he was an artist in words--as masterly as the ,mantuan himself1 though without that golden cadence and charm which keep ,virgil a poet by any classification4 ,on the other hand1 ,carlyle1 who had such scorn of the rhyming crew1 was himself a poet to the popular imagination1 though to us he will be an artist in prose plus soul4 ,there are1 thus1 really two classes of writers3 ,i4 ,prose-,artists4 ,,ii4 ,verse-,artists4 ,each of these splits up into two kinds1 according as the writer has or lacks soul4 ,or1 if you think soul the more important differentia1 we will say there are artists with soul and artists without soul1 and that some of each sort work in prose and some in verse4 ,but the classification is a crass one1 and the ,english language unfortunately does not possess words to express the distinctions1 while the ambiguous associations of the word prose increase the difficulty of inventing them4 ,we do not even possess any equivalent of the ,french prosateur1 though ,i see no reason why prosator should not be used4 ,without neologisms1 and avoiding the ambiguous adjective prosaic1 and using poetic to express soulfulness and not the handling of metres1 we get #a4 ,poetic ,verse-,artists4 7,poets47 #b4 ,non-,poetic ,verse-,artists4 7,verse-,writers47 #c4 ,poetic ,prose-,artists4 7,prose ,poets47 #d4 ,non-,poetic ,prose-,artists4 7,prose ,writers47 ,keats is a verse poet1 ,pope a verse writer1 ,buskin a prose poet1 and ,hallam a prose writer4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the two great writers of our day who have sinned most against the laws of writing are ,browning and ,meredith1 the one in verse1 the other in prose4 ,i speak not merely of obscurities1 to perpetrate which is in every sense to stand in one's own light1 but of sheer fatuities1 tweakings-of-the-nose to our reverend mother-tongue1 as either might have expressed it4 ,but what ,i am most concerned to suggest here is that the distinction between prose and poetry 7using prose to mean artistically wrought language7 will not survive investigation4 ,the popular instinct has long ago seen that the vital thing is the matter--that it is profanity to call that poetry which is only verse2 it remains to be recognised that even the distinction of form rests only on the non-recognition of the rhythm of prose1--a rhythm that is not metre in so far as metre has the sense of regular measure1 but may for all that have laws of its own1 which await the discoverer and the systematiser4 ,the affinity of prose-rhythms is1 ,i have hinted1 with the higher developments of music1 which1 compared with the simple tunes of the street1 are as apparently lawless and unlicensed as is prose compared to verse4 ,and as it is not poets who follow laws1 but precede them--as trochee and iambic1 alcaic and hexameter1 are the inventions of grammarians following on the trail of genius--so it behoves the ,aristotle who would discover the laws of the rhythm of prose to study the masters of the art1 masters by instinct and a faultless ear and the grace of ,god1 and endeavour by patient induction to wrest from their sentences the secrets of their harmonies4 ,who will write the prosody of prose8 ,it is sad to have to declare that the bulk of contemporary writers lie outside all these classifications4 ,they are artists neither in prose nor verse1 and though they may have soul1 they cannot make it visible4 ,for soul may be expressed equally through painting and sculpture and music and acting1 audits dimly discerned presence can scarcely convert slipshod writing into literature4 ,no one would accept as art a picture in which a gleam of imagination struggled against the draughtsmanship of the schoolboy to whom arms are toasting-forks1 or applaud an actor who might be brimming over with sensibility but could command neither his voice nor his face4 ,no one has any business to come before the public who has not studied the medium through which he proposes to exhibit his soul3 unfortunately this is the age and ,england is the country of the amateur1 and in every department we are deluged with the crude4 ,the fault lies less with the amateur than with the public before which he presents himself1 and which1 incompetent to distinguish art from amateurishness1 is as likely to bless the one as the other4 ,of all forms of art literature suffers most2 for the pity is1 and pity'tis't is true1 everybody learns to talk and write at an early age4 ,this makes the transition to literature so fatally easy4 ,facilis descensus ,averni6 ,to paint1 one must at least know how to mix colours and handle a brush2 to compose1 one must be familiar with the meaning of strayed spiders' legs on curious parallel bars1 and there are strange disconcerting rumours of orchestration4 ,but to produce literature you have simply to dip pen in ink or open your mouth and see what ,god will give you4 ,hence particularly the flood of novels1 hence the low position of the novel2 although1 as ,theodore ,watts has pointed out1 it is practically the modern ,epic4 ,i have met distinguished students of ,greek texts who have never conceived of the novel as a work of art1 or as anything beyond the amusement of an idle hour--something for the women and the children4 ,one such told me he would not read ,the ,mill on the ,floss because it ended unhappily4 ,i must conclude he has only read ,aeschylus for his examinations4 ,acting stands next to literature in its seductiveness4 ,the actor's instrument is his body1 and everybody has a body4 ,if1 in addition to a body1 the creature conceives himself to possess a soul1 the odds are there will be laughter for the gods4 ,i tremble for the time when the popular educationist shall have had his way and every child be seised of the rudiments of drawing4 ,we shall see sights then4 ,at present1 despite the horrors of the galleries and the widespread ignorance of art1 painting cannot compete with literature as a misunderstood art4 ,for the public--which is the only critic that counts in the long run--does not demand grammar1 much less style2 and the novel of the season may bristle with passages that could be set for correction at examinations in ,english4 ,it is a little thing1 but it seems to me significant1 that the announcement of terms of the local branch of ,mudie's1 in the little town at which ,i am writing these lines1 runs thus3 ,the subscription for one set entitles the subscriber to one complete work at a time1 whether in one1 two1 or three volumes1 and can be exchanged as often as desired4 ,,xxiv ,,the ,,influence ,,of ,,names ,far-fetched as the idea seems that names and characters have any interconnection1 yet no great writer but has felt that one name1 and one alone1 would suit each particular creation4 ,the tortures and travels that ,balzac went through till he found ,z4 ,marcas are well known4 ,so is the agony of ,flaubert on hearing that ,zola was anticipating him in the name of ,bouvard1 which it had cost ,flaubert six years' search to find4 ,zola's magnanimity in parting with it deserves a fauteuil4 ,somebody in the provinces told me that his minister had preached upon the subject of names1 laying it down that in every name lurked a subtle virtue1--or vice2 the former the bearer of the name was in duty bound to cultivate1 the latter to root out4 ,fantastic as this speculation be1 even for a minister1 no one doubts that people's names may have an influence upon their lives2 and1 in the case of the ,christian name at least1 children ought to be protected by the ,state against the bad taste and the cruelty of their parents4 ,more certainly than the stars our names control our destinies1 for they are no meaningless collocation of syllables1 but have deep-rooted relations with the history and manner of life of our ancestors4 ,the ,smiths were once smiths1 the ,browns dark in complexion2 and so1 if we could only trace it1 every name would reveal some inner significance1 from ,adam 7red earth7 downwards4 ,why do publishers tend to n in their names'8 ,some of the chief ,london publishers run to a final n--,macmillan1 ,longman1 ,chapman2 ,hodder ,stoughton2 ,hutchinson ,co42 ,sampson ,low1 ,marston ,co42 ,lawrence ,bullen2 ,fisher ,unwin2 ,heinemann4 ,the last1 indeed1 is nothing but n sounds2 such a name could not escape taking to publishing4 ,i find also in the publishers' lists ,t4 ,nelson ,co42 ,eden1 ,remington ,co42 ,henry ,sotheran2 ,john ,lane2 ,effingham ,wilson2 ,innes ,co4 7as fatal as ,heinemann72 ,george ,allen ,co42 ,osgood1 ,mc,ilvaine ,co42 ,gardner1 ,darton ,co4 ,sometimes the n is prominent at the beginning or in the middle1 as in ,henry ,co42 ,ward ,downey2 ,constable ,co42 ,digby1 ,long ,co42 ,arnold2 ,g4 ,p4 ,putnam's ,sons2 ,kegan ,paul1 ,trench1 ,trbner ,co4 7wherein each partner boasts his separate n72 ,oliphant1 ,anderson ,ferrier 7wherein there are at least three ns72 ,john ,c4 ,nimmo2 ,edward ,stanford2 ,gibbings ,co42 ,chatto ,windus2 ,nisbet ,co4 ,when the n is not in the surname1 at least the ,christian contains the indispensable letter1 as ,john ,murray1 ,elkin ,matthew4 ,even when it can find refuge nowhere else the n creeps into the and of the firm or into the ,sons4 ,the very ,clarendon ,press has the trademark4 ,who is the stock publisher of the eighteenth century8 ,tonson6 ,who were the first publishers of ,shakespeare8 ,condell ,heminge4 ,and while publishers run mysteriously to n1 authors run with equal persistency to r--in their surnames for the most part1 but at least somehow or somewhere4 ,who are our professors of fiction to-day8 ,hardy1 ,meredith1 ,blackmore1 ,barrie1 ,rudyard ,kipling1 ,walter ,besant 7and ,james ,rice71 ,george ,moore1 ,frankfort ,moore1 ,olive ,schreiner1 ,george ,fleming1 ,henry ,james1 ,hamlin ,garland1 ,henry ,b4 ,fuller1 ,harold ,frederic1 ,frank ,harris1 ,marion ,crawford1 ,arthur ,conan ,doyle1 ,rider ,haggard1 ,miss ,braddon1 ,sarah ,grand1 ,mrs4 ,parr1 ,george ,egerton1 ,rhoda ,broughton1 ,h4 ,d4 ,traill1 ,jerome ,k4 ,jerome1 ,barry ,pain1 ,w4 ,e4 ,norris1 ,crockett1 ,ian ,maclaren1 ,robert ,barr1 ,ashby ,sterry1 ,morley ,roberts1 ,mabel ,robinson1 ,f4 ,w4 ,robinson1 ,john ,strange ,winter1 ,du ,maurier 7late but not least to follow his lucky r71 ,helen ,mathers1 ,henry ,seton ,merriman1 etc41 etc4 ,who were the giants of the last generation8 ,thackeray1 ,charles ,dickens1 ,charles ,reade1 ,george ,eliot1 ,bulwer ,lytton1 ,charlotte ,bront1 ,trollope1 ,disraeli4 ,who are our prophets and thinkers8 ,carlyle1 ,ruskin1 ,emerson1 ,darwin1 ,john ,stuart ,mill1 ,herbert ,spencer1 ,froude1 ,freeman4 ,who are the poets of the ,victorian era8 ,robert ,browning1 ,alfred ,tennyson1 ,algernon ,charles ,swinburne 7r-ed throughout71 ,d4 ,gabriel ,rossetti1 ,christina ,rossetti1 ,matthew ,arnold1 ,william ,morris1 ,robert ,buchanan1 ,andrew ,lang1 ,robert ,bridges1 ,lewis ,morris1 ,edwin ,arnold1 ,alfred ,austin1 ,norman ,gale1 ,richard ,le ,gallienne1 ,philip ,bourke ,marston1 ,mary ,f4 ,robinson1 ,theodore ,watts1 etc41 etc4 ,who are the dramatists of to-day8 ,grundy1 ,pinero1 ,henry ,arthur ,jones1 ,w4 ,s4 ,gilbert1 ,haddon ,chambers1 ,comyns ,carr1 ,carton1 ,raleigh1 ,george ,e4 ,sims 7mark the virtue of that long-mysterious r74 ,and who in the past have done anything for our prose dramatic literature8 ,sheridan and ,oliver ,goldsmith1 and1 earlier still1 ,congreve1 ,wycherley1 ,farquhar1 and ,vanbrugh4 ,nay1 which are the mighty names in our literature8 ,chaucer1 ,spenser1 ,marlowe1 ,shakespeare1 ,herrick1 ,dryden1 ,alexander ,pope1 ,butler1 ,sterne1 ,byron1 ,wordsworth1 ,coleridge1 ,walter ,scott1 ,robert ,burns4 ,you may even look at the greatest names in the world's literature4 ,homer1 ,virgil 7,maro71 ,horace1 ,firdusi1 ,omar ,khayyam1 ,cervantes1 ,calderon1 ,petrarch1 ,rabelais1 ,dante ,alighieri1 ,schiller1 ,voltaire1 ,rousseau1 ,moliere1 ,corneille1 ,racine1 ,honore de ,balzac1 ,flaubert1 ,victor ,hugo1 ,verlaine1 ,heinrich ,heine4 ,of course there are not a few minus the r1 as ,milton1 ,keats1 ,goethe1 ,swift1 etc41 etc4 ,there seems indeed to be a sub-species of sons--,ben ,jonson1 ,dr4 ,johnson1 ,william ,watson1 ,john ,davidson1 ,austin ,dobson4 ,nevertheless there is an overwhelming preponderance of r sounds in the names of the world's authors4 ,what is the underlying reason8 ,is there a certain rugged virility in the letter1 which made it somehow expressive of the nature of the original owners8 ,n is certainly suave and plausible in comparison1 and might well produce a posterity of publishers4 ,what adds some colour to the suspicion is that1 when writers have chosen noms de guerre1 they have frequently--though all unconsciously--taken names in r4 ,this explains why all the lady novelists run to ,george4 ,publisher versus author may now be expressed symbolically as ,n_/,r1 ,n over ,r1 the ,n of money over the ,r of art4 ,with our artists ,i find a less strong tendency to l's as well as to r's1 and it is therefore only appropriate that a ,leighton should long preside over the ,royal ,academy1 a ,millais be its chief ornament1 and finally its head1 and a ,whistler its chief omission2 that constable and ,walker should be the glory of ,english art1 that ,reynolds should be our national portrait-painter1 and ,landseer our animal-painter1 and ,wilkie our domestic painter4 ,turner made up for his surname by the superfluity of l's in his ,william ,mallord1 ,raphael starts as an ,r4 ,a41 while ,michael ,angelo1 with his predominance in l's1 is rightly king of art4 ,the absence of l in ,hogarth's name and the strong presence of r of course denotes that the satirist was more of a literary man than an artist4 ,the r in ,whistler1 on the other hand1 clearly indicates the literary faculty of the author of ,the ,gentle ,art of ,making ,enemies4 ,and if ,du ,maurier's real future was hinted in his orthography1 ,leech and ,tenniel and ,phil ,may and ,linley ,sambourne have vindicated their l's4 ,so have ,luke ,fildes1 ,alma ,tadema1 ,h4 ,t4 ,wells1 ,g4 ,d4 ,leslie1 ,john ,collier1 ,val ,prinsep1 ,solomon ,j4 ,solomon1 ,frank ,bramley1 ,phil ,morris1 ,calderon1 ,leader1 ,nettleship1 ,seymour ,lucas1 ,waterlow1 ,william ,strutt1 ,albert ,moore1 ,w4 ,w4 ,ouless1 ,c4 ,w4 ,wyllie1 ,sir ,john ,gilbert1 ,louise ,jopling1 ,onslow ,ford1 and even ,w4 ,c4 ,horsley4 ,there are only three foreign ,academicians at the time of writing1 but they all boast the l4 ,with musicians there is a tendency to m's and n's1 which sounds harmonious enough1 ,mendelssohn1 ,massenet1 ,mascagni1 ,mackenzie1 ,schumann1 have both letters2 ,mozart but one4 ,haydn1 ,beethoven1 ,chopin1 ,saint-,sans1 ,sullivan1 ,charles ,salaman1 ,edward ,solomon1 ,frederic ,cowen1 run n-wards with the unanimity of publishers1 while ,gounod1 ,stanford1 ,audran1 ,sebastian ,bach1 ,donizetti1 work in the n otherwise1 and ,wagner has the librettist's r in addition4 ,would you play the piano8 ,you must have the n of the piano1 like ,pachmann1 ,rubinstein1 ,rosenthal1 ,hofmann1 ,frederick ,dawson1 ,madame ,schumann1 ,fanny ,davies1 ,agnes ,zimmermann1 ,leonard ,borwick1 ,nathalie ,janotha1 ,sapellnikoff1 ,sophie ,menter4 ,even for other instruments1 including the human voice divine1 the n is advisable4 ,paganini1 ,jenny ,lind1 ,norman ,nruda1 ,christine ,nilsson--all patronized it largely4 ,adelina ,patti1 ,johannes ,wolf1 and many others make a ,christian use of it4 ,if1 on the other hand1 you wish to manufacture pianos your chance of founding a first-class firm will be largely enhanced if your name begins with b4 ,actors1 like authors1 roll their r's2 and if their names are pseudonyms1 so much the greater proof that some occult instinct makes them elect for that virile letter4 ,who are our leading actors and actor-managers8 ,the double-r's3 ,henry ,irving1 ,herbert ,beerbohm ,tree 7two pairs71 ,forbes-,robertson1 ,george ,alexander1 ,arthur ,roberts1 ,edward ,s4 ,willard1 ,edward ,terry1 ,charles ,brookfield1 ,wilson ,barrett1 ,fred ,terry1 ,fred ,kerr1 ,charles ,warner1 ,w4 ,terriss1 ,george ,grossmith1 ,charles ,hawtrey1 ,arthur ,bourchier 7two pairs74 ,scarcely any leading actor lacks one r1 as ,charles ,wyndham1 ,cyril ,maude1 ,louis ,waller1 etc41 etc4 ,those without any r's may console themselves with the memory of ,edmund ,kean1 though ,garrick--a name almost wholly compact of r--is the patron saint of the stage4 ,the ladies follow the gentlemen4 ,from ,ellen ,terry and ,winifred ,emery to ,ada ,rehan and ,mrs4 ,patrick ,campbell1 from ,rose ,leclercq and ,marie ,bancroft to ,marion ,terry and ,irene ,vanbrugh1 few dare dispense with the r4 ,but ,i have said enough4 ,i have opened up new perspectives for the curious and the philosophic1 which they may follow up for themselves4 ,here is a fresh field for faddists and mystagogues4 ,already ,i have proved as much as many systems of mediaeval philosophy which strove to extract the essence of things from the study of words and letters4 ,already ,i have collected more evidence than the sectarians of the ,shakespeare-,bacon4 ,bacon write ,shakespeare1 indeed6 ,a man without an r to his name1 pointed out by his n for a publisher1 and1 indeed1 not without some of the characteristics of the class4 ,seriously1 the truth is that l1 m1 n1 and r are the leading letters in name-making2 but still there does seem to be more in the coincidence to which ,i have drawn attention than mere accident explains4 ,,xxv ,,authors ,,and ,,publishers ,it is done4 ,the publishers have formed a ,league4 ,the poor sweated victims of the author's greed have at last turned upon the oppressor4 ,mr4 ,gosse1 on a memorable occasion1 confusedly blending the tones of the prophet of righteousness with the accents of the political economist1 admonished the greedy author that he was killing the goose with the golden eggs4 ,and now the goose has resolved to be a goose no longer4 ,the ,authors' ,society1 a sort of trade union1 has been answered by the creation of a ,publishers' ,union1 with all the delightful potentialities of a literary lock-out4 ,it is time1 therefore1 for a person without prejudice to say a word to both sides4 ,with the spirit which prompted the creation of the ,authors' ,society1 ,literature has nothing to do4 ,to define ,literature exactly is not easy4 ,to say at what point words become or cease to be literature is a problem similar in kind to the sophistical ,greek puzzle of saying at what point the few become many4 ,perhaps we shall find a solution by looking at the genesis and history of written words4 ,literature1 we find1 began as religion4 ,the earliest books of every nation are sacred books4 ,herbert ,spencer dwells on the veneration which the average person feels for the printed word1 his almost touching belief in books and newspapers4 ,i read it in a book is equivalent to saying ,it is certainly true4 ,the great philosopher has failed to see that this instinct is a survival from the times when the only books were holy books4 ,the first book published in ,europe1 as soon as printing was invented1 was the ,latin ,bible--the ,mazarin ,bible as it is called2 and it is the ,bible which is responsible for the belief in print4 ,despite the degradation of the printed word to-day1 there is something fine in this tenacious popular instinct1 as there is something ignoble in all ,literature which palters with it4 ,the ,literature of every country is still sacred4 ,the books of its sages and seers should still be holy books to it4 ,the true man of letters always was and must always be a lay priest1 even though he seem neither to preach nor to be religious in the popular sense of those terms4 ,the qualities to be sought for in ,literature are therefore inspiration and sincerity4 ,the man of letters is born1 not made4 ,his place is in the ,temple1 and it is not his fault that the moneychangers have set up their stalls there4 ,but1 in addition to these few chosen spirits1 born in every age to be its teachers1 there is an overwhelming multitude of writers called into being by the conditions of the time4 ,these are the artists whom ,stevenson likened to the ,daughters of ,joy4 ,they are cunning craftsmen1 turning out what the public demands1 without any priestly consciousness1 and sometimes even without conscience1 mere tradesmen with--at bottom--the souls of tradesmen4 ,their work has charm1 but lacks significance4 ,they write essays which are merely amusing1 histories which are only facts1 and stories which are only lies4 ,the capacity of the world for reading the uninspired is truly astonishing1 and the hundred worst books may be found in every bookseller's window4 ,would that it were of books that ,occam had written3 ,non sunt multiplicandi praeter necessitatem6 ,the men who produce these unnecessary books perform a necessary function1 as things are4 ,why should they be less well treated than bootmakers or tailors1 butchers or bakers or candlestick makers8 ,why should they not get as much as possible for their labours8 ,why should they not1 like every other kind of working-man1 found a ,labour ,union8 ,indeed1 instead of censuring these authors for trying to obtain a fair wage1 ,i feel rather inclined to reproach them for not having more closely imitated the methods of ,trades-,unionism1 for not having welded the whole writing body into a strong association for the enforcement of fair prices and the suppression of sweating1 which is more monstrous and wide-spread in the literary than in any other profession whatever4 ,such an organisation would be met by many difficulties1 for writing differs from other species of skilled labour by the immense differences of individual talent1 while from professions in which there are parallel variations of skill1 e4g41 law and medicine1 it differs by the fact that there is no initial qualification 7by examination7 attesting a minimum amount of skill4 ,not even grammar is necessary for authorship1 or even for successful authorship4 ,besides which1 writing is done by innumerable persons in their spare time--,literature is a world of inky-fingered blacklegs4 ,thus1 writing admits neither of the union-fixed minimum wage of the manual labourer1 nor of the etiquette-fixed fee of the professional2 so that the methods of the trade union are only partially applicable to the ink-horny-handed sons of toil4 ,but even the possible has not yet been achieved1 so that the current idea of an organization of the writing classes1 against which publishers have had to gird up their loins to fight1 has very little foundation4 ,there is nothing but a registered disorganisation4 ,what the publishers are really afraid of is not a ,society1 but a man1 and that man a middle-man8 no other than that terrible bogey1 the agent1 who drinks champagne out of their skulls4 ,so much for the author-craftsman4 ,but what of the author-priest8 ,do the commercial conditions apply to him8 ,certainly they do--with this important modification1 that1 while with the author-craftsman the commercial conditions may justly regulate the matter and manner of his work1 with the author-priest the commercial conditions do not begin until he has completed his work4 ,the state of the market1 the condition of the public mind--these will have no influence on the work itself4 ,not a comma nor a syllable will he alter for all the gold of ,afric994 ,but1 the manuscript once finished1 the commercial considerations begin4 ,the prophet has written his message1 but the world has yet to hear it4 ,now1 we cannot easily conceive ,isaiah or ,jeremiah hawking round his prophecies at the houses of publishers1 or permitting a smart ,yankee to syndicate them through the world1 or even allowing popular magazines to dribble them out by monthly instalments4 ,but the modern prophet has no housetop1 and it is as difficult to imagine him moving his nation by voice alone as arranging with a local brother-seer to trumpet forth the great tidings simultaneously at ,new ,york in order to obtain the ,american copyright4 ,even if he should try to teach the people by word of mouth1 there will be bare benches unless he charges for admission1 as all lecturers will tell you4 ,people value at nothing what they can get for nothing2 and1 as ,stevenson suggested1 if we were charged so much a head for sunsets1 or if ,god sent round a drum before the hawthorns came in flower1 what a work should we not make about their beauty6 ,no1 the prophet cannot escape the commercial question4 ,for1 in order that his message may reach his age1 it must be published1 and publication cannot be achieved without expense4 99 ,transcriber's note3 ,so in original4 ,tolsto himself1 who gives his books freely to the world1 cannot really save the public the expense of buying them4 ,all he sacrifices is that comparatively small proportion of the returns which is claimed by the author in royalties2 he cannot eliminate the profits of the publisher1 the bookseller1 etc41 etc4 ,for between the message and its hearers come a great number of intermediaries1 many of them inevitable4 ,we will assume for the purposes of our analysis that our prophet is already popular4 ,the hearers are waiting eagerly4 ,here is the manuscript1 there are the readers4 ,problem--to bring them together4 ,this is the task of the publisher4 ,incidentally1 the publisher employs the printer1 bookbinder1 etc42 but this part of the business1 though usually undertaken by the publisher1 does not necessarily belong to him4 ,he is essentially only the distributor4 ,in return for this function of distribution1 whether it includes supervising mechanical production or not1 the publisher is entitled to his payment4 ,how much8 ,evidently1 exactly as much as is made by capital and personal service in business generally4 ,the shillings of the public are the gross returns for the book4 ,these have to be divided between all the agents employed in producing the book--author1 printer1 binder1 publisher1 bookseller1 etc4 ,this is not literally what happens1 but it is arithmetically true in the long run4 ,how much for each8 ,evidently just as much as they can each get1 for there is no right but might and nothing but tug-of-war4 ,there is nothing absolute in the partition of profits3 infinite action and reaction4 ,while the costs of the mechanical part are comparatively stable1 the relation of author and publisher oscillates ceaselessly2 and while the cautious publisher by the multiplicity of his transactions may rely upon an average of profits1 like all business men plucking stability out of the heart of vicissitude1 the author has no such surety4 ,between merit and reward there is in literature no relation4 ,just as the music-hall singer may earn a larger income than the statesman1 so may the tawdry tale-teller drive the thinker and artist out of the market4 ,the artistic value of a book is therefore absolutely unrelated to the commercial value2 but such commercial value as there is--to whom should it fall if not to the author8 ,like the other parties1 he has a right to all he can get4 ,you will say it is very sordid to think of money2 you will speak of divine inspiration2 you would rather see him go on the rates2 to save him from base reward you even borrow his books instead of buying them2 you cannot understand why he should prefer an honest ,copyright ,act to a halo4 ,good6 ,put it that ,i agree with you4 ,it is sordid to sell one's muse4 ,one should be like ,mr4 ,harold ,skimpole1 and let the butcher and the baker go howl4 ,the thought of money sullies the fairest manuscript4 ,the touch of a cheque taints4 ,good again6 ,only1 when the great poem is written1 when the great novel is done1 there is money in it6 ,who is to have this money8 ,the author8 ,certainly not4 ,we are agreed his soul must be kept virgin4 ,but why the publisher8 7,above all1 why the ,american publisher87 ,why not the printer8 ,why not the binder or the bookseller8 ,why not the deserving poor8 ,none of these will be defiled by the profits4 ,why should the money not be used to found a ,lying-in ,hospital1 or an ,asylum for ,decayed ,authors1 or a ,museum to keep ,honest ,publishers in8 ,why should not authors have the kudos of paying off the ,national ,debt8 ,if they are to be the only ,socialists in a world of individualists1 let them at least have the satisfaction of knowing their money is applied to worthy public purposes4 ,but ,i do not agree with you4 ,the best work at the best prices is no unworthy motto4 ,the ,authors' ,society1 indeed1 tries to put this non-moral principle of valuation upon an ethical basis4 ,it says1 for instance1 that if the publisher reckons his office expenses in the cost of production1 then the author has a right to reckon his1 even including any journeys or researches he may have had to make in order to write his book4 ,but this right is not only an ethical fallacy3 it is a politico-economical one1 because the economical question is only concerned with the distribution of the work1 and the money or the heart's blood that went to make it has nothing to do with the question1 while the publisher's office expenses are of the essence of the question4 ,some authors also claim that the publisher has no right to make successful books pay for unsuccessful4 ,but here again he has every right4 ,the publisher is not a piece-worker2 he has to keep a large organization going1 involving ramifications in every town4 ,it is the existence of this network1 of this distributive mechanism1 that enables the successful book to be sold everywhere2 and the publisher1 like every business man1 must allow percentages for bad debts and unprofitable speculations4 ,publishers have a right to capture the bulk of the profits of authors' first books1 because they largely supply the author with his public4 ,it is surprising how even good books have to be pressed on an unwilling world1 much as cards are forced by conjurers4 ,the number of people that select their books by their own free-will is incredibly small4 ,on the other hand1 when a popular author brings a publisher a book1 it is he who improves the publisher's distributing agency1 by bringing him new clients1 and even sometimes strengthening his position with booksellers and libraries1 by enabling him1 armed with a book universally in demand1 to fight against deductions and discounts throughout his business generally4 ,and1 just as the publisher may rightly depress the profits of an unknown author1 so the popular author has a moral right to larger royalties--which right1 however1 would avail him nothing were it not backed by might4 ,it is in the competition of rival publishers that his strength lies4 ,and here comes in the question of the agent4 ,publishers may rave as they will1 but authors have every right to employ agents to save them from the unpleasant task of chaffering and of speaking highly of themselves4 ,and it is the author who pays the agent1 not the publishers1 their whinings notwithstanding4 ,the agent may indeed squeeze out larger sums than publishers like to disgorge1 but how can he obtain more than the market-value8 ,political economy is dead against the possibility4 ,he cannot1 in fact1 obtain more than the author may and frequently does obtain for himself4 ,if a competing publisher offers a larger sum than will pay him in coin1 at any rate he will not offer more than will pay him in reputation1 or in the extension of his clientle on the lines indicated above4 ,it is still only the market-value4 ,if the reputation honourably built up by the labours of years comes to have a monetary value outside the monetary value of the particular book--a sort of goodwill value1 in fact1--why should the author or his agent be abused for obtaining it8 ,will not the publisher in his turn grind down the unknown man to the lowest possible penny8 ,the prostration of the publisher before the celebrity is only equalled by his insolence toward the obscure4 ,is there any author who has not suffered in his beginnings from the greed of publishers8 ,far from making money at the start1 how many authors have got a hearing without having had to pay for it out of their own pockets8 ,the wrongs of publishers is a good red-herring to draw across the track1 a smart counter-cry4 ,but publishers have still the game in their hands all along the line4 ,not a few still keep their accounts secret1 still recklessly supply themselves with that opportunity which1 the proverb says1 makes even honest men thieves4 ,as for ,america--what goes on across that week of ocean who dares conjecture8 ,and now1 what with rumors of wars and free silver--ah me6 ,in forming a ,masters' ,union1 the publishers have at last abandoned the pretence of being swayed by any but pecuniary considerations in the exercise of their high function4 ,there is something refreshing in this clearing of the air1 in this abandonment of the ,joseph ,surface manner4 ,and yet1 ,i confess1 my heart shelters a regret for the old style of publisher1 as for the old style of author4 ,something of picturesque clings even to ,jacob ,tonson1 with his two left legs4 ,the publisher as the patron of genius1 the nurser of young talent1 the re-inspirer of old1 the scholar and gentleman1 at once the friend and the banker of his authors1 makes a pleasing figure4 ,it was perhaps more ideal than real1 for even of ,murray we read in ,lord ,beaconsfield's ,letters 3 ,washington ,irving demanded a large price4 ,murray murmured4 ,irving talked of posterity and the badness of the public taste1 and ,murray said that authors who wrote for posterity must publish on their own account4 ,still1 if the publisher would live up to this ideal1 his would remain an honorable profession1 instead of sinking to a trade4 ,he would rank with the rare theatrical manager to whom art is dearer than profit--if such a one still survives4 ,but the trail of business is over the age3 the theatrical manager is a shameless tradesman1 and more and more the publisher will become the mere distributer1 if indeed he be not eliminated by a mechanical organisation4 ,the popular author needs only a central store to supply the trade with his printed writings1 the cost of production of which is covered by the first day's sales4 ,this is1 of course1 to ignore the publisher in his aspect of initiator of series1 art books and encyclopaedias4 ,but to originate is to depart from publishing proper and to become entitled to the profits of the inventor2 nay1 almost to step over into the province of authorship and the dignity thereof4 ,but if we can forgive the publisher for succumbing to the business spirit of the age1 we cannot as readily acquiesce in the huckstering spirit that has crept over literature4 ,the battle of the books has become one of account-books1 and the literary columns of the newspapers bristle with pecuniary paragraphs4 ,even the chatter about ,shelley was better than the contemporary gossip about the takings of authors1 for the most part vastly exaggerated4 ,a paragraph which must have inflated him with pride led to a friend of mine being haled up before the ,income ,tax ,commissioners4 ,how long have you been an author8 he was asked in addition4 ,six years1 he replied4 ,and you have only paid income tax for five6 was the horrified exclamation4 ,here is the nemesis of all this foolish fuss about ,l4 ,s4 ,d4 ,the ,british mind now supposes authorship to be a trade1 like any other4 ,you go into it1 and you at once begin to make a regular income2 and1 once successful1 you go on steadily earning large sums1 automatically4 ,the thing works itself4 ,you are never ill or uninspired2 you are never to let your mind lie fallow1 never to travel and gather new inspiration1 never to shut up shop and loaf4 ,you simply go on making so much a year--for do not the papers say so8 ,and that you should cherish the immoral sentiments contained in the following stanzas1 as at least two authors of my acquaintance do1 is simply incredible to the envious ,philistine4 ,,the ,,author ,,to ,,the ,,syndicator4 ,thou lord1 of bloated syndicates1 ,thou master of the mint1 ,who payest at the highest rates ,and takest without stint1 ,go back1 go back to wild ,new ,york1 ,go back across the sea2 ,go1 corners make in beans and pork1 ,no corners make in me4 ,for thou art 'cute and thou art smart1 ,no dead flies hang on thee2 ,thou carest not one jot for ,art1 ,but only ,l4 ,s4 ,d4 ,go 'back1 go back1 etc4 ,thy aims are low1 thy profits high2 ,thy mind is only bent1 ,whatever live1 whatever die1 ,to scoop in cent per cent4 ,go back1 go back1 etc4 ,to thee the greatest authors are ,those who most greatly sell2 ,but he whose soul is as a ,star-- ,why1 he may go to ,h-ll6 ,go back1 go back to wild ,new ,york1 ,go back across the sea2 ,go1 corners make in beans and pork1 ,no corners make in me4 ,an author's income must be indeed difficult to adjudge4 ,he is the manufacturer of a patent article--which only he can turn out4 ,but he is also the vendor thereof1 and his transactions involve sales of serial--as well as of book-rights synchronised in two or more countries--a tedious and delicate task4 ,and a great part of his business--the tributes that take up his time1 the ,,mss4 he has to read1 etc41 etc4--must be conducted entirely without profit1 or rather must be run at a loss4 ,who can determine what are the working expenses of so complex an industrial enterprise8 ,an artist subtracts the cost of his models3 may an author subtract the cost of the experiences which supply him with his material1 and1 if so1 how are they to be estimated8 ,mr4 ,conan ,doyle and ,mr4 ,anthony ,hope both write historical novels2 but while the former buys and studies large quantities of books1 and travels to see castles and battlefields1 the latter professedly works from intuition4 ,are both these men's incomes to be treated alike8 ,goethe deliberately fell in love so as to write poems when the passion had subsided3 how much should be deducted from his gross returns to cover the working expenses of his love-affairs8 ,and even when we do not go about it in such cold blood1 our art--is it not woven of our pain and our passion1 our emotions recollected in tranquility8 ,do these emotions cost us nothing8 ,do they not wear and tear our system1 justifying us in writing off #e per cent4 for depreciation in our machinery8 ,countless are the problems that arise out of this new view of authorship as an exact trade4 ,scientifically speaking1 the author is a pieceworker1 whose productiveness is fitful and temporary4 ,however widely the fame of his business extend1 he cannot extend it2 he cannot increase his output by adding new clerks or new branches3 every order received means work for his own brain and his own hands4 ,if he keep other hands they are called ghosts1 and such ghosts are frowned upon even by the ,psychical ,society4 ,no1 the more ,i think of it1 the more it is borne in upon me that authors should be exempted from income tax altogether--if1 indeed1 the income itself should not rather be provided for them 7free of duty7 by a grateful ,government4 ,carlyle is said to have claimed exemption on the ground that the earnings of a writer are incalculable3 it seems to me that it is rather the working expenses which are incalculable4 ,i sometimes sit and yearn for anything in the shape of an income that would come in1 wrote poor sick ,stevenson on a languorous summer afternoon1--by the way1 ,i hope his doctors' expenses were deducted from his gross returns1 as incurred in order to keep the writing machinery going2 or did he perchance fly to ,samoa to escape the tax altogether8--,mine has all got to be gone and fished for with the immortal mind of man4 ,what ,i want is the income that really comes in of itself1 while all you have to do is just to blossom and exist1 and sit on chairs4 ,poor ,r4 ,l4 ,s46--does it not make you think of mighty poets in their misery dead8 ,does it not--if you are more prosaic--bring home to you the absurdity of taxing professional incomes as though they were akin to those which come in to the happy folk who have but to blossom and exist and sit on chairs8 ,and will you not1 whoever you are1 rejoice that the work done with so much art and conscience and suffering1 obtained1 in ,stevenson's latter days1 its highest possible money-reward through the much-abhorred ,agent8 ,why do not millionaires hear of the woes of authors and send them anonymous bank-notes8 ,why do not national testimonials happen in the author's lifetime in the shape of purses of gold8 ,they are more digestible than posthumous stones4 ,alas6 the author's path is thorny enough4 ,and it is against this jaded1 unhappy creature that the publishers have had to make a ,union6 ,well1 well1 there will soon be no ,authors' ,union except the ,workhouse4 ,,xxvi ,,the ,,penalties ,,of ,,fame ,there is one form of persecution to which celebrity or notoriety is subject1 which ,ouida has omitted in her impassioned protest4 ,it is interviewing carried one step further--from the ridiculous to the sublime of audacity4 ,the auto-interview1 one might christen it1 if the officiating purist would pass the hybrid name4 ,yon are asked to supply information about yourself by post1 prepaid4 ,the ordinary interview1 whatever may be said against it1 is at least painless2 and1 annoying as it is to after-reflection to have had your brain picked of its ideas by a stranger who gets paid for them1 still the mechanical vexations of literature are entirely taken over by the journalist who hangs on your lips2 though1 if ,i may betray the secrets of the prison-house1 he often expects you to supply the questions as well as the answers4 ,but when you are asked to write your life for a biographical dictionary1 or to communicate particulars about yourself to a newspaper1 it is difficult1 however equable your temperament1 not to feel a modicum of irritation4 ,it is not only the labour of writing and the cost of stamps that anger you4 ,your innate modesty is outraged4 ,how is it possible for you to say all those nice things about yourself which you know to be your due1 and which a third person might even exaggerate8 ,what business have editors to expose you to such inner conflict8 ,a scholar ,i knew suffered agonies from this source4 ,he was constantly making learned discoveries which nobody understood but himself1 and so editors were always pestering him to write leaderettes about them4 ,he got over the difficulty by leaving blanks for the eulogistic adjectives1 which the editors had to fill in4 ,as thus3 ,mr4 ,theophilus ,rogers1 the ---- savant1 has unearthed another papyrus in ,asia ,minor which throws a flood of light on the primitive seismology of ,syria4 ,once a careless editor forgot to fill in the lacuna1 and the paper lost a lot of subscribers by reason of its improper language1 whilst the friends of ,theophilus wanted him to bring an action for libel1 unconscious that it would lie against himself4 ,but perhaps the climax of irritation is reached when1 having troubled to write down autobiographical details1 having wrestled with your modesty and overthrown it1 having posted your letter and prepaid it1 the ---- editor rejects your contribution without thanks4 ,this hard fate overtook me--moi qui vous parle--not very long ago4 ,the conductor of a penny journal1 not unconnected with literary tit-bits1 honoured me with a triple interrogatory4 ,this professional ,rosa ,dartle wanted to know-- 7#a7 ,the conditions under which you write your novels4 7#b7 ,how you get your plots and characters4 7#c7 ,how you find your titles4 ,i was very busy4 ,i was very modest4 ,but the accompanying assurance that an anxious world was on the qui vive for the information appealed to my higher self1 and ,i took up my pen and wrote3-- 7#a7 ,the conditions under which ,i write my novels can be better imagined than described4 7#b7 ,my plots and characters ,i get from the ,,mss1 submitted to me by young authors1 whose clever but crude ideas ,i hate to see wasted4 ,i always read everything sent to me1 and would advise young authors to encourage younger authors to send them their efforts4 7#c7 ,as for my titles1 they are the only things ,i work out myself1 and you will therefore excuse me if ,i preserve a measure of reticence as to the method by which ,i get them4 ,what is being interviewed like8 a young lady once asked me1 unconscious she was subjecting me to the process4 ,it is being asked what you drink--and not getting it1 ,i explained to her4 ,the curiosity of the interviewer is indeed boundless4 ,he even asks which is your favourite author1 so that you are forced to advertise some other fellow4 ,and yet there is another side to the question1 which ,ouida ignores4 ,there are two periods in the life of successful persons--the first when they are anxious to be interviewed1 the second when people are anxious to interview them4 ,with some there thus arrives a third period1 in which they are anxious not to be interviewed1 but this is rare4 ,doubtless there are superior persons who never craved for fame even in their callow youth1 and possibly ,ouida herself may have taken to authorship as an elaborate means of diverting attention from herself4 ,but the majority of mortals1 being fools by edict of ,puck and ,carlyle1 are pleased to fly through the lips of men4 ,even ,tennyson1 whose horror of the interviewer almost reached insanity1 whose later life was one long ,we are observed3 let us dissemble1 is said to have been disappointed when the casual pedestrian took no notice of him at all4 ,a lady in the ,isle of ,wight told me that the great poet was wont to put his handkerchief over his face if he met anybody4 ,naturally this would make the most illiterate person stop and gaze and wonder who this merry-andrew might be4 ,assuredly this is not the fine simplicity of manners one expects from a great man4 ,earl1 do you wear one of these8 asked an ,american democrat of an ,english peer at his table1 as he produced a coronet from a cupboard and stuck the pudding-dish upon the inverted spikes4 ,tennyson seemed to be always conscious of his laurel crown4 ,the nobler course had been to deck his puddings with the sprigs4 ,kind hearts are more than laurel crowns1 ,and simple mien than ,saxon song4 ,ouida does a public service by insisting that it is presumptuous of the crowd to judge the conduct of men of genius1 whose life is pitched in quite a different key1 and runs very frequently in the melancholy minor mode4 ,the travail of soul1 the workings of the mind1 the agonies and the raptures of genius must be so remote from the common ken1 that it is unjust to apply to it the vulgar meteyard2 and so1 far be it from me to blame the inspired singer of ,crossing the ,bar1 or to imagine that he could have been other than he was6 ,all the same1 it is permissible to regret that he should have throughout his life pandered to the popular conception of a poet4 ,there was something of a robuster quality in ,browning1 who managed to be a seer and a mystic in despite of afternoon teas4 ,ouida beats the tom-tom far too loudly4 ,from one point of view the post-mortem revelations of great men's friends1 which kindle her ire1 perform a public good1 even if at the expense of a private wrong4 ,the attempt to apotheosise human nature1 to invest our kindred clay with theatrical glamour and to drape it from the property-room1 this mythical creation of a magnified non-natural man1 what is it all but the perpetuation of the false psychology of the past8 ,there is no durable good in this childish make-believe4 ,it is time for humanity to outgrow this puerile self-deception about its powers and characteristics and limitations4 ,a great man is a man as well as great1 and he may be all the wonderful things that ,carlyle claimed without ceasing to be human and therefore erring4 ,and if he would go about simply and naturally1 without developing a self-consciousness as vast and unhealthy as the liver of a goose intended for pt1 he would be happier and wiser1 and secure the inattention he yearns for4 ,moreover1 while ,ouida is rightly intolerant of the abuse of genius by the bourgeois1 the dictionary scarcely affords her own genius sufficient vituperation for the bourgeois4 ,i am at a loss to understand by what logic genius gains the right to hate the bourgeois4 ,it has not the excuse of the bourgeois--stupidity4 ,that the crowd hates superiority and is venomously anxious to degrade it to its own level1 is one of ,ouida's many delusions about life4 ,discounting vulgar curiosity1 a good deal of the crowd's interest in genius1 however annoying and ridiculous the shapes it takes1 springs at bottom from a sense of reverence and admiration2 and surely it is sheer priggishness1 if it be not rank midsummer madness1 on the part of genius to regard itself as persecuted by foolish and malicious persons4 ,methinks the lady doth protest too much4 ,still it would be unjust to deny her perfect seclusion from the world1 if she feels she needs it4 ,perhaps the mildest form of persecution is that of the autographomaniacs4 ,they send me my own books1 one of the most popular authors in ,england complained to me pathetically the other day1 and they ask me to write in them4 ,but to write in them is all that you can do for the books of your friends4 ,if you do this for strangers1 what is there left for your friends8 ,although far less beloved of the book-buyer than the illustrious novelist1 ,i could yet offer him the sympathy of a minor fellow-sufferer4 ,it is the ,american reader who is the main persecutor4 ,he is not gentle1 forsooth--a very bully1 rather4 ,but why do ,i say he1 when it is generally she8 ,you have eluded all my wiles hitherto1 she wrote me the other day3 now ,i ask you straight out for your autograph4 ,this honesty would have softened me had ,i not just had to pay fivepence on the letter--and for the second time that day6 ,of course her request was not accompanied by a stamped envelope either1 though1 if it had been1 the stamp would have been an ,american2 invalid1 a pictorial irony4 ,she has a trick1 moreover1 of addressing you--most economically--care of your ,american publishers1 who expedite the letter with vengeful empressement1 so that you pay double at your end of the ,atlantic4 ,and when everything else is in order1 her epistle is insufficiently stamped1 and your income is frittered away in futile fivepences4 ,it is too much4 ,the cup is full4 ,we must no longer bow our necks beneath the oppressor's yoke1 no longer tremble at the postman's knock4 ,we must strike1 instead--we other men of letters4 ,for authors1 too1 are human3 manual labourers1 overworked and underpaid1 with no hope of an eight hours' day4 ,their pay must not be still further reduced by this monstrous stamp-tax4 ,will not some ,burns--more poetical than ,john--raise the banner of revolt8 ,perhaps ,william ,morris may reconcile his hitherto contradictory rles by placing himself at the head of the movement4 ,henceforward no author is to despatch his autograph to an admirer1 charm she never so cunningly4 ,beshrew these admirers6 a man's personality is in his books1 not in his scrawl4 ,whosoever violates this prescription shall be accounted a blackleg4 ,on one condition only shall autographs be sent--to wit1 that they be paid for4 ,i do not1 indeed1 propose that the author shall pocket the money1 though ,i see no shame in the deed3 everything is worth what it can fetch1 and if an adventitious value comes to attach to a signature1 the author were amply justified in pocketing this legitimate supplement to the scanty rewards of his travail of soul and body--just as he were justified1 should locks of his hair come into demand1 in alternating the scissors and the hair-restorer4 ,but as a suspicion still prevails that authors live on ambrosia and nectar 7carriage paid71 that the butcher1 the baker1 and the candlestick maker tumble over one another in their eagerness to offer their goods at the shrine of genius1 it may be unwise to shock one's admirers too much by pocketing their oboli2 and ,i would suggest--in all seriousness--that a charge be made in the future for all autographs3 each celebrity could fix it according to the special demand1 and the returns should go for charitable purposes4 ,an ,autograph ,fund should be founded in every profession admitting of notoriety4 ,among actors the fund could be devoted to that excellent charity the ,dramatic and ,musical ,benevolent ,fund2 among writers1 to the support of decayed critics and neglected novelists4 ,why not8 ,in days when men cannot bear to see even ,niagara wasting its energies in misdirected roars1 why should so prolific a source of profit as autographomania be neglected8 ,the authors' strike must be initiated at once3 the ,autograph ,fund demands an instant ,treasurer4 ,i don't mind contributing ten signatures to start it1 if twelve other writers1 of equal eminence and illegibility1 will guarantee a like amount4 ,what profits it to woo the thankless ,muse1 or to appeal to the autograph-huntress8 ,in a foolish moment of unpardonable sentimentality1 ,i suggested that she should pay for her treasure by a charity contribution2 at the very least let her refrain1 ,i prayed1 from ,american stamps4 ,but she does not read me1 alas6 though my writings are the sole solace of her days and nights2 there is no way of attracting her attention4 ,still1 still her stamps flow in4 ,i cry ,oyez1 ,oyez1 but she is bent over ,trilby1 and ,i am but the shadow of a name--of a name that is interesting enough tacked on to my favourite motto or a brief autobiography1 and may serve to round off her autographic alphabet4 ,will not ,mr4 ,du ,maurier cry aloud to her on behalf of his brother-authors1 he whose housetop is the sun1 whose voice reaches from the summits of the ,rockies to the pampas of ,la ,plata1 and echoes from the ice-floes of ,labrador to the cliffs of ,cape ,horn8 ,will he not tell her that even as the crimes of ,clapham are chaste in ,martaban1 so the stamps of the ,states are the waste-paper of the ,london mails4 ,mr4 ,kipling1 whom ,i have just quoted1 is more fortunate4 ,breathing the air of ,brattleboro'1 ,vermont1 he is supplied with native stamps to carry on his correspondence withal4 ,for ,mr4 ,kipling--so he has confided to me in an amusing narrative of his autograph experiences1 designed for the warning of fellow-craftsmen to whom my project may have sounded seductive--had actually anticipated my plan3 he had sent out two hundred circulars to the admiring crew who ranked him before ,shakespeare1 proposing that they should send him a donation for a charity in return for his signature4 ,then the flood-gates--not of heaven--were opened4 ,for weeks abuse rained in upon him1 and thief seems to have been the mildest rebuke he received4 ,to be asked for an autograph was an honour 7even with the stamps omitted74 ,he bowed his head beneath the deluge1 praying perhaps-- ,of the two hundred grant but two ,to take a charitable view4 ,but no1 as one man and one woman they cast him out of grace4 ,and yet he seems to persevere--for 't is indeed an excellent way of circumventing the wily4 ,in the ,chicago ,record ,i read that he wrote to an autograph-beggar that he would send his autograph on receiving proof that the autograph-hunter had deposited two and a half dollars in a certain ,new ,york fresh air fund4 ,this is an ingenious variation of the original scheme1 for it puts aside the possibility of personal peculation2 but ,i doubt whether it answers4 ,each celebrity must solve for himself this harassing problem3 there be those who simply stick to the stamps 444 great free spirits1 these1 the ,napoleons of the pen1 ,jenseits von ,gut und ,bse1 whose names it is not for me to bewray4 ,others1 like myself1 stricken with the paralysis of a ,puritan conscience1 waver and vex themselves4 ,one ought not to encourage this craze for the external accidents of greatness--the appeal may be fraudulent--and yet what right have you to the stamps8--and after all 't is flattering to be adored from ,terra del ,fuego2 it argues taste--and taste should not go unrecognized in a ,philistine world4 ,eureka6 ,i have found the solution4 ,don't stick to the stamps1 but send them to the funds of a charity4 ,these views of mine on autographs have greatly distressed the unfair sex4 ,the ladies--,god bless them--resent a severely logical view of anything1 and to disturb their small sentimentalities is to be cold-blooded and cynical4 ,once1 when ,i wasj imprudent enough to wonder if the young person with the well-known cheek1 to which blushes were brought1 existed any longer in this age of neurotic novels written by ladies for gentlemen1 ,i received a delicious communication from an ,australian damsel informing me that she had been in love with me up till the fatal day on which she read my cynical conception of her sex1--which reminds me of another well-meaning young lady who wrote me the other day from ,america that her epistle was prompted neither by love nor admiration4 ,if ,i hint that popular lady novelists do not invariably produce masterpieces of style and syntax1 ,i am accused of inflicting the tarantulous bites of envious detractors4 ,i am driven--most reluctantly--to a suspicion that has long been faintly glimmering in my bosom1 a suspicion that ladies have no sense of humour4 ,it is gravely pointed out to me by incensed writers of incense-laden letters that the demand for a writer's autograph is a mark of veneration2 that his letter is reverentially handed about on special occasions quite without a thought of its possible commercial value and that often--though here the argument itself becomes cunningly commercial--it becomes the focus of a local hero-worship that expresses itself outwardly in increased purchases of the author's books4 ,now1 of course every author is only too aware that requests for his autographs are manifestations of reverence1 and is only too apt to disregard the supposition of crude curiosity4 ,he knows that it is only natural that people1 forewarned by the scarcity of autographs of ,shakespeare1 should be anxious to safeguard posterity against a similar calamity4 ,but that any author should have humour enough to see the absurdity of the autograph mania1 this is what his fair clientle has not humour enough to understand4 ,anthony ,hope--who1 by the way1 told me he had received a letter from an unknown lady1 the object of which was to abuse me for my heresy on this heart-burning question--says that if to write his name on slips of paper adds to the sum of the world's pleasure1 he is ready to do it4 ,this is a noble attitude2 but the good people do not always do the most good4 ,ought one to pamper this interest in mere externals8 ,here are the man's books1 pictures1 symphonies3 if these have profited you1 be content--you have had enough4 ,he has shown you his soul1--why should he show you his hand8 ,one knows into what this sort of thing degenerates--into the exploitation of celebrities by smart ,american journalists1 to whom genius and notoriety are equally alike mere possibilities of sensational copy with screaming head-lines4 ,a4 ,z4 has written the opera of the century3 the public is dying to know the cut of his trousers and the proportion of milk in his caf au lait4 ,x4 ,y4 has murdered his uncle and vivisected his grandmother3 how interesting to ascertain his favourite novel1 and whether he approves of the bicycle for ladies6 ,for one person who knows anything of the artistic output of the day there are ten who know all about the producers and how much money they are making4 ,even when our interest in artistic work is intellectual1 we are more likely to read criticisms of it than to place ourselves vis--vis with the work4 ,not the truest criticism1 not the subtlest misinterpretation1 can give us anything like the sensation or the stimulus that results from direct contact with the work itself4 ,as well enjoy the ,moonlight ,sonata through a technical analysis of its form4 ,but this is a venial vice compared with taking your ,sonata through the medium of a paragraph about ,beethoven's shoe-buckles4 ,the autograph craze is1 ,i maintain1 only another aspect of this modern mania for irrelevant gossip2 just as the tit-bits breed of papers is but the outer manifestation of an inner disgrace4 ,we no longer tackle great works and ordered trains of thought3 everything must be snappy and spicy2 and we open our books and papers1 awaiting1 like the criminal in ,the ,mikado1 the sensation of a short sharp shock4 ,to possess a man's autograph may as easily become a substitute for studying his work as an incentive to purchasing it4 ,the critique displaces the book itself3 the autograph may displace even the critique4 ,all this without reference to the trouble and expense entailed by an aggregation of the trivial taskwork of signing one's name1 addressing envelopes1 sticking on stamps1 and occasionally paying for them1 and not infrequently defraying the extra postage on insufficiently stamped admiration4 ,henry ,james1 in his latest story in ,the ,yellow ,book1 says deliciously3 ,lambert's novels appeared to have brought him no money3 they had only brought him1 so far as ,i could make out1 tributes that took up his time4 ,the earnings of the most popular authors are1 ,i fear me1 sadly exaggerated1 and their own anticipations seldom realised4 ,as the other ,american novelist--,mr4 ,howells--humourously puts it3 ,i never get a cheque from my publisher without feeling distinctly poorer4 ,the average author is indeed very much in the position of a cabman surveying a shilling4 ,and the even less substantial tributes1 be it noted1 are not limited to aspirations after autographs4 ,that would be little to grumble at4 ,but everybody knows that the demands made upon a celebrity--and especially upon an author--are peculiar and extensive4 ,he is expected to be not only an author--and even1 according to the more high-minded among the unsuccessful critics1 to be that without fee or reward--but also to officiate gratuitously as publisher's reader to the universe at large--unprinted2 as author's agent1 hawking unknown ,,mss4 about among his friends the publishers1 and placing unknown young men on the staff of the leading journals2 as dramatic agent1 introducing plays and players to his friends the managers--who will not produce his own works2 and1 in fine1 to act as general adviser to aspirants of every species4 ,nay1 was not ,hall ,caine recently asked by a lady admirer in poor health1 about to visit the ,isle of ,man1 to find lodgings for her8 ,heavens6 who knows what scandal might have arisen had the author of ,the ,manxman inconsiderately turned himself into a house-agent6 ,the famous tale of the ,nova ,scotian sheep in ,the ,school for ,scandal might have been eclipsed by the sequel4 ,now1 the poor lady meant well enough3 she may even have thought to show how deep her faith in the novelist's domestic genius and financial impeccability6 ,it simply did not occur to her that she was not the only call upon ,mr4 ,caine's time2 and she may have felt as resentful at his reluctance as the beggar who stigmatises ,rothschild as niggard because he cannot wheedle a share in his bounty4 ,it may be that ,i am incapable of envisaging this whole matter fairly1 because--to make a clean breast of it--,i am one of those ,philistine persons who shock ,americans by never having been to ,stratford-on-,avon4 ,it is true that ,i have read ,shakespeare--and even his commentators1 which gives me the pull over ,shakespeare himself2 it is true that ,i agree with the persons who haven't read him that he is the greatest poet the world has ever seen or is likely to see2 it is true that ,shakespeare is part of my life and thought2 but somehow my interest in him does not extend to his second-best bed1 and ,i do not greatly yearn to see the room in which ,bacon was not born4 ,i do not even care whether ,shakespeare was written by ,shakespeare or by another man of the same name4 ,do you remember that poem of ,amy ,levy's1 telling of how she sat listening to people chattering about a dead1 poet they had known1 his looks and ways1 and thinking to herself-- ,i1 who had never seen your face1 ,perhaps ,i knew you best4 ,it is this flaw in an otherwise well regulated mind1 this blind spot in my spiritual eye1 that perhaps makes me attach undue unimportance to the attraction of autographs4 ,there is an eminent actress who invariably refuses to send her autograph2 but the eminent actor who is her husband invariably sends a letter of apology to the disappointed correspondent4 ,since ,i am in the mood for confessions1 let me candidly admit that my own attitude has a somewhat similar duality4 ,though ,i curse in these pages1 ,i bless like ,balaam when it comes to the point4 ,never have ,i omitted to return a sufficiently stamped1 envelope with the coveted sign-manual--never twice alike4 ,never have ,i failed to put my name in a birthday book under a specific date--never twice alike4 ,and though ,i hate to answer applications for autographs1 ,i should be still more annoyed not to receive them4 ,and as for sneering at the ladies1 they have1 ,i vow1 no more constant admirer4 ,i could1 indeed1 desire that when they are next angry with me they would read me before they criticise me2 that they would base their denunciations on my text1 and my whole text1 rather than on some paper's mistaken comment upon another paper's inaccurate extract4 ,but nothing that they can say of me1 however harsh1 shall1 ,i protest1 abate a jot of my respect for them or myself4 ,,xxvii ,,on ,,finishing ,a ,,book ,between three and four of the morning the last words of the book were written1 and1 putting down my pen--without falling asleep1 as ,i should have done had my task been to read the book1 instead of to write it--,i began to muse on the emotions ,i ought to have felt1 and on the emotions other and greater authors had felt4 ,there was a time1 in the days that were earlier1 when the writing of a book was a rare and solemn task1 to be approached--like the writing of ,paradise ,lost--after years of devout and arduous preparation1 under the great ,taskmaster's eye4 ,now it is all a rush and a fever and a fret1 and the mad breathlessness of the ,new ,york newspaper office has spread from journalism to literature1 and novelists cheerfully contract to write books in the next century1 quite unregardful of whether there will be any books in them by then4 ,that was a very leisurely prescription in the ,old ,testament3 ,when a man taketh a new wife he shall not go out in the host1 neither shall he be charged with any business2 he shall be free at home one year1 and shall cheer his wife which he hath taken4 ,delightful honeymoon of those pastoral days6 ,now the honeymoon has dwindled to a week1 or in the case of actors and actresses to a matinee 7for they appear at night as usual71 and few of us possess sufficient oxen and sheep and manservants and maidservants to strike work for a year4 ,if only our authors would produce but one book a year1 instead of yielding two or three harvests to make hay withal while the sun shines6 ,nor do they do these things much better in ,france4 ,from the patient parturition of a ,flaubert--the father of the ,realists--we have come down to the mechanical annual crop of his degenerate descendant1 ,zola4 ,perhaps the age of great works--like the age of great folios--is over1 so that none will ever have again those fine sensations that made ,gibbon chronicle how he finished his monumental history between the hours of eleven and twelve at night in the summer-house at ,lausanne1 or that dictated the stately sentiment of ,hallam's wind-up of his ,introduction to the ,literature of ,europe3 ,i hereby terminate a work which has furnished1 the occupation of not very few years4444 ,i cannot affect to doubt that ,i have contributed something to the general literature of my country1 something to the honourable estimation of my own name and to the inheritance of those1 if it is for me still to cherish that hope1 to whom ,i have to bequeath it4 ,thackeray must have felt something of this fine glow when he finished ,vanity ,fair1 despite his genial simulation of ,come1 children1 let us shut up the box and the puppets1 for our play is played out4 ,dickens1 who had not humour enough for such self-mockery1 took his endings very seriously indeed1 and even in the middle of his books had all the emotions of parting when some favourite character had to quit the stage1 some poor ,dombey or ,little ,nell4 ,you remember what he wrote in the preface to ,david ,copperfield of how sorrowfully the pen is laid down at the close of a two-years' imaginative task1 or how an author feels as if he were dismissing some portion of himself into the shadowy world1 when a crowd of the creatures of his brain are going from him for ever4 ,and contrast his superfluously solemn asseveration1 ,no one can ever believe this narrative in the reading more than ,i believed it in the writing1 with the whimsical melancholy of the ,vanity ,fair preface1 the references to the ,becky doll and the ,amelia puppet4 ,one feels that ,thackeray was the greater ,master1 in that he took himself less seriously1 and had the finer sense of proportion4 ,but that he lived with his characters quite as much as his great contemporary may be seen from that charming ,roundabout ,paper ,de ,finibus1 where he describes the loneliness of his study after all those people had gone who had been boarding and lodging with him for twenty months4 ,they had plagued him and bored him at all sorts of uncomfortable hours1 and yet now he would be almost glad if one of them would walk in and chat with him as of yore--an odd1 pleasant1 humourous1 melancholy feeling4 ,in how much more solemn a mood ,dickens finishes ,our ,mutual ,friend1 congratulating himself on having been saved--with ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,boffin and the ,lammles1 with ,bella ,wilfer and ,rogue ,riderhood--from a destructive railway accident1 so that he cannot help thinking of the time when the words with which he closes the book will be written against his life--,the ,end4 ,thackeray needed no railway accident to remind him of ,the ,end1 and two lines before the close of ,vanity ,fair we find him writing--in the prime of his life1 ,ah1 vanitas vanitatum6 ,which of us is happy in this world8 ,which of us has his desire1 or1 having it1 is satisfied8 ,that thought occurred to ,gibbon1 too1 for he had not taken many turns under the silver moon in that coveted walk of acacias1 enjoying the spectacle of the lake and the mountains1 and the recovery of his freedom and the establishment of his fame1 before a sober melancholy was spread over his mind by the idea that he had taken an everlasting leave of an old and agreeable companion1 and that whatsoever might be the future fate of his history1 the life of the historian must be short and precarious4 ,when ,george ,eliot put the last stroke to ,romola1 the book which ploughed into her more than any of her books1 which she began as a young woman and finished as an old woman1 she exclaimed in her diary--,ebenezer6 ,o unpredictable ejaculation6 ,ebenezer6 ',t is true the erudite ,miss ,evans had ,hebrew an knew that it meant a stone of help4 ,and in the evening she went to her ,la ,gazza ,ladra4 ,let us hope that some false persuasion of the immortality of ,romola counteracted that bodily malaise and suffering of which she complained to ,sara ,hennell4 ,such pleasant persuasion buoyed up ,fielding1 as he wrote the beginning of the end of ,tom ,jones1--that almost endless epic1--for with a last fling at the critics he cries3 ,all these works1 however1 ,i am well convinced1 will be dead long before this page shall offer itself to thy perusal2 for however short the period may be of my own performances1 they will most probably outlive their own infirm author1 and the weakly productions of his abusive cotemporaries4 ,but it is rather the tradition of ,trollope that rules to-day--,trollope1 that canny craftsman who wrote every day for a stated number of hours1 and who1 if he finished a novel twenty minutes before the end of his term1 would take up a clean sheet of paper and commence another4 ,did ,i say the canny ,trollope8 ,nay1 this is rather uncanny1 unearthly1 unhuman4 ,what6 ,you have lived with your characters day and night for months and months1 have thought their thoughts and been racked by their passions1 and you can calmly wind up their affairs and turn instanter to a new circle of acquaintances8 ',t is the very coquetry of composition1 the heartless flirtation of fiction-mongering4 ,thackeray1 indeed1 confesses to liking to begin another piece of work after one piece is out of hand1 were it only to write half a dozen lines2 but that is something towards ,number the ,next1 not towards ,book the ,next1 for these old giants wrote from hand to mouth4 ,i have always figured to myself ,trollope's novels as all written on a long endless scroll of paper rolled on an iron axis1 nailed up in his study4 ,the publishers approach to buy so many yards of fiction1 and shopman ,anthony1 scissors in hand1 unrolls the scroll and snips it off at the desired point4 ,this counter-jumping conception of the ,muses prevails with the customers to-day1 with the editors who buy fiction at so much a thousand words4 ,carlyle--,heaven preserve me from finishing a book as he did his ,french ,revolution1 to lose it and write it all over again6--had the truer idea when he suggested that authors should be paid by what they do not write4 ,but it was reserved for the libraries to reach the lowest conception of literature4 ,their clients enjoy the privilege of having so many books at a time1 a book being a book just as an orange is an orange4 ,if the book the reader wants is not there1 why1 there is another book for him to take2 by which beautiful system the good writer reaps very little advantage over the mediocre1 for indifferent books are forced upon the public as the conjuror forces cards on people who think they are choosing them4 ,it is a wonder the libraries do not purvey their literature by the pound4 ,,part ,,ii4 ,,here1 ,,there1 ,,and ,,somewhere ,,else3 ,,philosophic ,,excursions4 ,the following pages are not intended as a substitute for ,baedeker or ,murray4 ,nor can ,i solicit your interest on the ground of new places and strange discoveries4 ,to the philosophic tourist all places are equally good to soliloquise in2 and in inviting you to accompany my excursions ,i need scarcely explain that the route is not according to ,bradshaw but to the ,a4 ,b4 ,c41 and that you may break the journey at any point4 ,,aberdeen ,critics of ,london allow too little for the charm of irregularity and historical association--for odd bits and queer views coming unexpectedly round the corner to meet one1 for strange ancient gardens and fragments of field in the backways of ,holborn1 for quaint waterside alleys and old-world churches in out-of-the-way turnings--for everything1 in fact1 that has the charm of natural growth4 ,if ,i had my way1 ,i would not give up ,booksellers' ,row for a thousand improvements in the ,strand4 ,where shall you find a more piquant peace than in the shady quadrangles that branch out of the bustle of ,fleet ,street1 and flash a memory of ,oxford spires or ,cambridge gardens on the inner eye8 ,what spot in the world has inspired a nobler sonnet than ,wordsworth's on ,westminster ,bridge8 ,who would exchange our happy incongruity for the mechanical regularity of the mushroom cities of the ,states8 ,paris has1 no doubt1 made herself beautiful2 but she could have afforded not to be1 much better than she can afford to be4 ,the theorist holds up ,glasgow as a model city--a pioneer--and the splendour of its municipal buildings is as the justice of ,aristides4 ,but if an ugly woman does not dress well1 who should8 ,with all its civic spirit1 ,glasgow remains grey1 prosaic1 intolerable--the champion platitude of commercial civilisation4 ,aberdeen would have been a far finer example of the schematic city of which theorists dream4 ,there is something heroic about the spaciousness of its streets1 the loftiness of the buildings1 and the omnipresence of granite--a ,tyrtaean spirit1 which finds its supreme embodiment in the noble statue of ,wallace poised on rough craglets of unpolished granite1 and of ,general ,gordon with his martial cloak around him4 ,if ,edinburgh be the ,athens of ,scotland1 ,aberdeen is its ,sparta4 ,and yet after a while ,aberdeen becomes a weariness and an abomination4 ,for you discover that it is one endless series of geometrical diagrams4 ,the pavements run in parallel lines1 the houses are rectilineal1 the gardens are squares or oblongs2 if by chance the land sprawls in billocks and hollows1 nevertheless is it partitioned in rigid lines4 ,the architecture is equally austere4 ,the very curves demonstrate the theorem that a curve is made up of little straight lines1 the arches are stiff and unbending1 and wherever a public building demands an ornament1 a fir-shaped cone of straight lines rises in stoic severity4 ,in vain one seeks for a refuge from ,euclid--for an odd turning or a crooked by-way4 ,to match the straight-ness of their streets and the granite of their structures the ,aberdonians are hard-headed1 close-fisted1 and logical 7there is a proverb that no ,jew can settle among them71 and when they die they are laid out neatly in a rectangular cemetery with parallel rows of graves4 ,even when they stand about gossiping they fall naturally into geometric figures3 if two disconnected men are smoking silently in the roadway1 they trisect it2 and if another man arrives he converts the company into an equilateral triangle4 ,i am convinced the moon shrinks from appearing in ,union ,street except it is in perfect quarters1 and hides timidly behind a cloud unless its arcs are presentable4 ,professor ,bain was born in ,aberdeen4 ,this accounts for much in our ,british metaphysics4 ,aberdeen produced the man who vivisected ,shelley's ,skylark1 and explained away the human mind and all that is therein2 ,aberdeen educated him1 graduated him1 married him1 gave him the chair of ,logic in her ,university1 and finally made him ,lord ,rector4 ,bain thinks entirely in straight lines4 ,he is the apotheosis of the ,aberdonian4 ,which is a warning against regular cities4 ,according to the ,rev4 ,w4 ,a4 ,cornaby in ,the ,contemporary ,review1 the straight line is an abomination to the ,chinese2 they avoid it by curves and zigzags1 and they think in curves and zigzags4 ,hence it seems the ,chinese suffer from a spurious idealism1 just as my ,aberdonians suffer from a spurious materialism4 ,if only the maidens of ,aberdeen would marry the mandarins of the too ,flowery ,land1 what a perfect race we might expect6 ,,antwerp ,this is the era of ,exhibitions4 ,an epidemic of ,exhibitions traverses the world1 breaking out now at ,paris1 now at ,chicago1 now at ,antwerp4 ,to visit them is our modern ,pilgrimage2 they force us to make the ,grand ,tour1 as our little wars teach us geography4 ,they are supposed to give a fillip to the prosperity of their town1 and to nourish the pride and pocket of the citizens4 ,what other function they fulfil is dubious4 ,time was when the long laborious miles of the ,crystal ,palace were acclaimed as the dawn of the ,golden ,age1 when swords should be turned into the most improved substitute for pruning-hooks1 and each man find his own in all men's good1 ,and all men work in noble brotherhood4 ,unhappily1 that millennial vision is still far away1-- ,far1 how far1 no tongue can say1 as the canny ,tennyson did not forget1 even in his rapt prophetic strain4 ,and we have grown chiller4 ,we no longer raise the song of praise because manufacturers of all nations send specimens of their work to a common centre in quest of medals4 ,the world is already federated by the chains of commerce2 international barter is an inseparable part of the movement of life1 and infinite intertangled threads of union stretch across the seas from shipping office to shipping office4 ,wherefore the millennium is as likely to arrive vi ,bayreuth or ,lourdes1 or any other centre of ,pilgrimage1 as by way of an ,international ,exhibition4 ,no1 we must take our ,exhibitions more humbly3 they are amusing and instructive2 they earn dividends or lose capital2 they stimulate orders for the goods on view1 and they end in a shower of medals4 ,in ,france1 according to ,mark ,twain1 few men escape the ,legion of ,honor4 ,is there any artificial product that has escaped a medal at some ,exhibition or the other8 ,i cannot recall eating or drinking anything undecorated4 ,they grow on every bush1 those medals1 copious as the ,queen's ,arms over the shop-windows of the ,high ,street4 ,no store1 however lowly1 but the ,queen deals there2 no article1 however poor1 but has earned golden opinions1 or at least silver and bronze4 ,for the industrial or ,gradgrind mind an ,exhibition is doubtless a riot1 an orgy2 for the exhibitors it is a sensational battle-field2 for the average spectator it is as exciting as a walk through ,whiteley's1 or a stroll down ,oxford ,street4 ,from the ,antwerp ,exhibition proper ,i bear away nothing but an impression of a wonderful paper-making machine1 at one end of which the paper enters as liquid pulp1 to issue at the other as a solid sheet4 ,a pity the process was not carried one step farther1 to the printed newspaper stage--so that what went in as rags should come out as mendacity4 ,such success as the ,antwerp ,exhibition has won is a success of side-shows2 a panorama of camels and dancing-girls defiles before my eyes1 my ears are yet ringing with the barbarous music and incantations of the ,orient4 ,old ,antwerp rises picturesque1 with its burghers and warriors2 the glorious picture galleries stretch away1 overladen with artistic treasure2 the mimic elephant mounts1 mammoth-like1 to the skies2 the grounds and the faades of the buildings gleam fairy-like in the soft night air1 with a million illuminations2 and lo6 there in the ,german restaurant the beautiful daughters of the ,fatherland smile1 in coifs and tuckers and short skirts1 ,katti and ,luisa and ,nina1 dulciferous names that trip off the tongue as the gentle creatures trip from table to table with flasks of ,rhenish wine2 the mellifluous voice of ,sarah cries cigarettes at her booth in the ,rue du ,caire--,sarah1 the ,egyptian ,jewess1 whose ancestors went back to the land of ,pharaoh in defiance of ,rabbinic decree--,sarah1 with the charm of her eighteen summers and her graceful virginal figure and her sweet unconscious coquetry1 as different from the barmaid's as ,rosalind's from ,audrey's2 and ,sarah's brother1 briskest of business boys1 resurges with his polyglot solicitations to buy nougat3 a mannish swashbuckler without1 a cherubic infant within3 ,i see the ,congo negroes1 mere frauds from the ,states1 in your opinion1 daintiest of ,american friends1 who came all the way from ,paris to meet me4 ,but soft6 what has all this to do with the ,industrial ,exhibition8 ,rien1 absolument rien4 ,give us these things anywhere1 give us lights and gardens and music1 give us dances and damsels1 give us ,congo encampments and ballons dirigeables1 and thither will we troop to make us merry4 ,ah6 but the incurable conscientiousness of the human race insists on pills with its jam4 ,or is it that it has never yet dawned upon humanity that jam may be taken without pills8 ,there was a time--it lasted seventy thousand ages according to the ,chinese manuscript which ,elia saw--when mankind ate their meat raw4 ,then1 one day1 as every schoolboy knows1 ,bo-bo carelessly set his father's cottage on fire1 and1 burning the litter of new-farrowed pigs it held1 accidentally invented crackling4 ,so delicious was burnt pig discovered to be that everybody fell to setting his house on fire to obtain it4 ,thus this custom of firing houses continued1 till in process of time a sage arose1 like our ,locke1 who made a discovery that the flesh of swine1 or indeed of any other animal1 might be cooked 7burnt1 as they called it7 without the necessity of consuming a whole house to dress it4444 ,by such slow degrees do the most useful and seemingly the most obvious arts make their way among mankind4 ,for seventy thousand ages mankind did without al fresco entertainments4 ,then some one invented ,exhibitions1 and mankind found it delicious to promenade the grounds amid twinkling lights and joyous music4 ,but no ,locke has yet discovered that musical promenades may be had without elevating a whole ,exhibition in the background4 ,at ,earl's ,court they still keep up a pretence of ,industrial ,exhibition1 though we have long since lost interest in the pretext1 and no longer inquire whether the painted scenery that walls in the grounds is called the ,alps or the ,apennines or the ,champs-,elyses4 ,and yet methinks mankind did discover the open-air entertainment1 as perchance roast pig was known and forgotten again long centuries before ,bo-bo4 ,for what was ,ranelagh1 what ,vauxhall8 ,were not the gardens of ,vauxhall made illustrious by a thousand lights finely disposed1 or1 as ,thackeray puts it1 by a hundred thousand extra lamps1 which were always lighted8 ,were not concerts of musick given nightly by fiddlers in cocked hats1 ensconced in a gilded cockleshell1 and was not the price of admission a shilling8 ,vauxhall must ever be an estate to its proprietor1 wrote ,boswell1 as it is peculiarly adapted to the taste of the ,english nation2 there being a mixture of curious show--gay exhibition--music1 vocal and instrumental1 not too refined for the general ear2 and1 though last not least1 good eating and drinking for those who choose to purchase that regale4 ,but ,boswell prophesied ill4 ,public gardens were always distasteful to ,english ,puritanism1 because they lent themselves to rendezvous2 and though ,boswell1 in protesting against the rise of price to two shillings1 certifies to the elegance and innocence of the entertainment1 and though ,mr4 ,osborne and ,miss ,amelia walked unharmed in its groves and glades1 and it was not ,rebecca ,sharp's fault that ,jos4 ,sedley got drunk on the bowl of rack punch1 still ,vauxhall1 like ,ranelagh and ,cremorne1 has come down to us with tainted reputation4 ,it died in the odour of brimstone1 and only in the magical ink-pool of literature can we still behold the heralded gallants in the boxes junketing with low-bodiced ladies of quality whose patches show piquantly on their damask cheeks4 ,rosherville remains in ignoble respectability1 the place to spend an h-less day1 our one uninstructive institution1 for even ,constantinople and ,venice have a specious background of geographical and even of industrial information3 ,rosherville1 which only once flowered into poetry1 and then under another name1--when ,mr4 ,anstey's barber wedded the ,tinted ,venus with a ring4 ,and in the magical ink-pool ,i see you and me still sitting1 ,o ,transatlantic ,parisienne1 as we sat that sunny afternoon--three hundred years ago--in ancient ,antwerp1 in oud ,antwerpen1 niched in the windowseat of that quaint hostelry which gives on the great market-place1 and watching the festive procession4 ,do you remember the gorgeous costumes of our fellow-burghers1 and the trappings of their prancing chargers in those days when life was not plain1 but coloured1 and existence was one vast fancy-dress ball8 ,how glad we were to welcome the ,archduke ,martinias of ,austria1 our sovereign elect1 or was it ,franois ,sonnius1 our first ,bishop1 coming to be installed in our glorious ,cathedral1 amid the joyous carillons of its bells6 ,can you not still see the ,angels hovering over the ,virgin1 and the ,golden ,calf1 flower-wreathed1 and the ,flight into ,egypt1 on that nave donkey1 and the ,flying ,dutchman1 tugged by a horse1 and the gilded galley rowed in make-believe by little children in their ,sunday clothes1 catching crabs in air1 and the incongruous camels bestridden by ,arab sheikhs with ,african pages1 and the ,persians on ponies1 and the ,crusaders in their fine foolish coats-of-mail1 and the gay courtiers1 with clanking swords1 and the halberdiers1 and the particoloured arquebusiers1 and the archers in green and red1 and the spearsmen in sugarloaf hats1 and the cherubs riding on dolphins8 ,can you not hear the beating of the drum1 and the ,ave ,maria of the white-robed chorus-boys1 and the irrelevant strains of the ,danish national anthem1 and the japes of the jester with his cap and bells8 ,what happy times for butchers and bakers and candlestick-makers when1 instead of working1 they could go in processions1 bearing aloft the insignia of their guilds1 and when middle-class girls1 ignorant of the ,new ,womanhood1 could loll on triumphal cars with roses in their hair6 ,do you remember how the topmost divinity smiled to me from her perilous perch1 too high to rouse your jealousy1 and how the little cherub that sat up aloft besprinkled us mischievously with eau de cologne8 ,ah1 shall we ever again be as happy as we were three hundred years ago8 will the wine be ever as red1 the potato salad as appetising1 or the cheese 7did they really enjoy ,gorgonzola and ,camembert in the sixteenth century87 as delicious as in that ancient ,flemish hostelry with its ,lutheran motto3 ,wie nikt mint ,wijn1 ,wijf en ,sangh1 ,blijft een ,geck sijn ,leven langh6 ,was it from its inscribed beams that ,shelley borrowed his famous lyric ,love's ,philosophy8 for did we not read3 ,den ,hemel drinckt1 en d',aerde drinckt3 ,waerom souden wij nit drinckt8 7,heaven drinks1 and earth drinks3 why shouldn't we drink87 ,at any rate it pleased us to recall the delectable lines3 ,and the sunlight clasps the earth1 ,and the moonbeams kiss the sea2 ,what are all these kissings worth ,if thou kiss not me8 ,but what does it matter what one did three hundred years ago8 ,or1 what does it matter what one did that dim ,arabian night when we set out with the cavalcade of camels in the marriage procession1 and the bride cowered veiled in her corner of the coach1 and the plump mother smiled archly at us1 and the brother and the bridegroom1 mounted on ,arab steeds1 smacked each other's faces in ceremonial solemnity1 exactly like the two ,macs in the music-hall8 ,was it then1 or in the nineteenth century1 that we rode the camel together1 ,i on the hindmost peak8 ,oh1 the oont1 oh1 the oont1 oh1 the gawdforsaken oont6 as the poet of the barrack-room sings4 ,he seems to double up like a garden-chair to receive one2 then his knees unfold and the rider shoots up2 then the camel rises to his full height1 and one ducks instinctively for fear of striking the stars4 ,salaam ,aleikhoom1 ,i cried to the drivers1 airing my ,arabic1 which ,i make by mispronouncing ,hebrew2 and they answered effusively1 ,yankee ,doodle6 ,chicago6 ,alas for the glamour of the ,orient6 ,they had all come from the greater fair1 perhaps spent their lives in traveling from fair to fair1 mercenaries of some latter-day ,barnum4 ,there was a fine stalwart ,egyptian1 who stood beating a gong to summon the faithful to improper dances4 ,i gave him a cup of coffee1 and he held it on high1 and with gratitude effusing from every pore of his dusky face1 cried1 ,columbus6 ,then he mounted a flight of stairs and shouted beamingly1 #adib6 ,he took a sip1 and then his wife called him chidingly1 and he fled to her4 ,but he returned to drain the cup in my presence1 crying between each sip ,columbus or #adib4 ,never before have ,i bought so much gratitude for ten centimes4 ,henceforward ,i found ,columbus a watchword1 and #adib a magic talisman1 causing dusky eyes to kindle and turbaned heads to nod beamingly4 ,the town-barber of ,alt ,antwerpen1 who was wont to shave me in the sixteenth century1 had a beautiful motto3-- ,i am ,hair-dresser1 ,barber1 and ,surgeon1 ,i shave with1 soap and much delight1 ,although there are barbers who do it ,as though they were in a fright4 ,but it is surpassed by a hundred delightful things in ,the ,visitor's ,handybook1 which the touts in ,new ,antwerp1 ignorant of its treasures1 press upon the traveller gratis4 ,it opens auspiciously3 ,the opening pages of our little guide we have devoted to a short review of the city of ,antwerp1 the streets of which still contain elegant specimens of those quaint and handsome edifices of the ,netherlands are truly famous1 and which in ,antwerp1 perhaps more than in any other city1 seem to abound4 ,here are some more gems3 ,visitors will be naturally anxious to secure a comfortable apartment1 in selecting which the following list will be found of service3--see advertisements1 all of which can be strongly recommended4 ,facing you is the ,king's ,palace2 not a very attractive one2 however1 as a rule1 not open to the public1 but admission may sometimes be obtained although at great trouble during the absence of the ,king4 ,it was formally inaugurated by the presence of the ,queen1 ,princess ,beatrice1 and a numerous compagny representing the ,european ,benches and ,pairs4 ,a wonderfully painted ceiling1 in which the attendant can point out some marvellous effects4 ,the ,visitor's ,handybook is in its thirteenth free edition1 and is worth double the price4 ,antwerp is very strong linguistically4 ,the quatre langues--,flemish1 ,french1 ,english1 and ,german--make a universal confusion of tongues1 and the whole town is nothing but a huge open ,flemish--,french dictionary1 every shop-sign or street-name being translated4 ,a few sturdy burghers stick to the old tongue1 and sometimes ,english rules the roast4 ,the ,welsh ,harp 7which is ,antwerp way7 is a sailor's cabaret near the quay4 ,there is even a trace of ,irish influence in the etymology of ,antwerp as given in the official handbook2 for ,antigon1 the giant who used to cut off the hand of any shipman that refused him tribute1 and whose throwing it 7,handwerpen7 into the river gave the name to the city1 is stated beforehand to have lived in the castle of ,antwerp4 ,they are not destitute of wit1 the ,belgians1 if ,i may judge by some specimens ,i heard4 ,it is a local joke to refer to the famous dirigeable balloon1 which burst in the latter days of the ,exhibition1 as the dchirable balloon4 ,they pooh-pooh the past nowadays1 said a tram-conductor to me1 but when ,i look at the ,cathedral and ,rubens' ',descent from the ,cross' ,i think our forefathers were assez malins4 ,a seedy vendor of lottery-tickets declared that every one of them would draw a prize4 ,wherefore1 then1 my friend1 quoth ,i1 do you not keep them8 ,je ne suis pas goste1 he said1 with a shrug4 ,to defend myself against his masterful solicitousness1 ,i stated solemnly that lotteries were illegal in ,england1 and that if ,i returned thither with a lottery-ticket the ,british ,government would throw me into prison4 ,but he was not daunted3 ,appuyez-vous sur moi1 he replied reassuringly4 ,,broadstairs ,,and ,,ramsgate ,a story is current in the ,clubs that ,mr4 ,henry ,james innocently went to ,ramsgate1 in order to possess his soul in peace4 ',t was the height of the rougher ,ramsgate season1 and there is something irresistibly incongruous in the juxtaposition of the rarefied ,american novelist and the roaring sands of ,albion4 ,in the which juxtaposition the story leaves him2 and we are ignorant of whether he turned tail and fled back to quieter ,london1 or whether he stayed on to collect unexpected material4 ,our analytical cousin's stippling methods are1 it is to be feared1 but poorly adapted for the painting of holiday crowds1 which require the scene-painter's brush1 and lend themselves reluctantly to nuances4 ,the colours have not that dubiety so dear to the artist of the penumbra2 the sands are as yellow as the benches are red2 and the niggers are quite as black as they are burnt-corked4 ,the love-making1 too1 is devoid of subtlety4 ,when you see--as ,i saw last ,bank ,holiday on ,ramsgate beach--,edwin and ,angelina asleep in each other's arms1 the situation strikes you as too simple for analysis4 ,it is like the loves of the elements1 or the propensity of carbon to combine with oxygen4 ,an even more idyllic couple ,i came upon prone amid the poppies on the cliff hard by1 absorbing the peace and the sunshine1 steeping themselves in the calm of ,nature after the finest ,wordsworthian manner4 ,but presently there is the roll of a drum1 and the scream of a fife in distress rises from below1 and ,angelina pricks up her ears4 ,i wish they'd come up 'ere1 she murmurs wistfully2 ,i'd jump up like steam2 ,i could just do a dance4 ,yet all the same their seclusion among the wild flowers on the edge of the cliff showed a glimmering of soul4 ,not theirs the hankering for that strip of sand near the stone pier1 which a worthy dame of my acquaintance once compared to a successful fly-paper4 ,scientific investigation shows the congestion at this particular spot to be due to the file of bathing-machines which blocks the view of the sea from half the beach4 ,to the bulk of the visitors this yellow patch is ,ramsgate1 just as a small1 cocoanut-bearing area of ,hampstead woodland is the ,heath1 most of whose glorious acres have never felt the tread of a donkey or a cheap tripper4 ,not that there are many other attractions in ,ramsgate1 which is administered by councillors more sleepy than sage4 ,having literally defaced their town by a railway-station1 built a harbour which will not hold water1 constructed a promenade pier in the least accessible quarter1 and provided a band which plays mainly intervals1 they naturally refuse to venture on further improvements1 such as refuges on the parade1 or trees in the shadeless streets1 and1 in the excess of their zeal1 have even1 so ,i hear1 declined the railway company's offer to give them a lift 7from sands to cliff71 and ,mr4 ,sebag ,montefiore's offer to allow the public gardens to be continued right through his estate on towards ,dumpton4 ,even so1 these worthy burghers have more of my regard than their brethren of ,margate1 who have sacrificed their trust to the ,moloch of advertisement4 ,stand on ,margate ,parade and look seaward1 and the main impression is ,pills4 ,sail towards ,margate ,pier and look landward1 and the main impression is ,disinfectant ,powder4 ,baby ,broadstairs has known better how to guard its dignity and its beauty2 so that ,dickens might still look from ,bleak ,house on as dainty a scene as in the days when he lounged on the dear old1 black1 weather-beaten pier4 ,i spent a week at ,broadstairs in the height of a ,dynamite ,mystery4 ,we were very proud of the ,mystery1 we of ,broadstairs1 and of the space we filled in the papers4 ,ramsgate1 with its contemporaneous murder sensation1 we turned up our noses at1 till ,ramsgate had a wreck and redressed the balance4 ,for the rest1 we made sand-pies1 and bathed and sailed1 and listened to a band that went wheezy on ,bank ,holiday4 ,broadstairs boasts of one drunkard1 who does odd jobs as well4 ,he is tall1 venerable1 and melancholy1 and has the air of a temperance orator4 ,joe's one of the best chaps on the pier when he's sober1 said his mate to me sorrowfully2 but when he's drunk he makes a fool of himself4 ,this was not quite true2 for ,joe was not always foolish4 ,why1 when two gentlemen came down from ,london in a gipsy caravan to teach us ,theosophy1 and all ,broadstairs fluttered towards their oil-lamp1 leaving the band to tootle to the sad sea waves1 ,i could not get him to mount the ,cheap ,jack rostrum in opposition6 ,the most ,i could spur him to was an indignant defence of ,london against the lecturer's denunciation of it as an immoral city1 a pit of unrighteousness4 ',t ain't true6 he thundered raucously4 ,many's the gent from ,lunnon as has behaved most liberal to me4 ,one day there was an attempt to disturb ,joe's monopoly as drunkard1 and ,i am afraid ,i had a hand in it4 ,a human caricature in broken boots addressed me as ,i lay on the beach 7writing with a stylographic pen and blotting the sheets with the sand71 and besought me to buy sprigs of lavender4 ,he proved to me by ocular demonstration that he had no money in his pockets2 whereupon ,i proved to him by parity of reasoning that ,i had none in mine either4 ,however1 ,i remembered me of a penny postage-stamp 7unlicked71 and tendered it diffidently1 and he received it with disproportionate benedictions4 ,later in the day he reappeared under my window1 hurling up maudlin abuse4 ,he had got drunk on my postage-stamp6 ,i told him to get along with him1 which he did4 ,for some time he staggered about ,broadstairs in search of its policeman4 ,he came across him at last1 and was straightway clapped into an open victoria and driven across the sunny fields to ,ramsgate4 ,meantime1 ,broadstairs was left unprotected--perhaps ,joe kept an eye on it4 ,broadstairs has also a jolly old waterman1 who paddles about apparently to pick up exhausted bathers4 ,one morning as ,i was swimming past his boat he warned me back4 ,any danger8 ,i asked4 ,ladies1 he replied1 ambiguously enough4 ,it thus transpired that his function is to preserve a scientific frontier between the sexes4 ,considering that the ladies one meets at sea are much more clothed than the ladies whose diaphanous drapery one engirdles in ball-rooms1 this prudery is amusing4 ,it is consoling to remember that the ,continental practice prevails in many a quaint nook along our coasts1 and that the ladies are sensible enough to walk to and from their bathing tents1 clothed and unashamed4 ,strange to say1 ,broadstairs has placed its ladies' machines nearest the pier1 for the benefit of loungers armed with glasses2 and ,i must not forget to mention that the boatman himself holds a daily leve of mermaidens1 who make direct for his boat and gambol around the prow4 ,if anything needs reforming in our marine manners1 it is rather the male costume4 ,why we men are allowed to go about like savages1 clothed only in skins 7and those our own71 is to me one of the puzzles of popular ethics4 ,what is sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose4 ,at ,folkestone1 where the machine-people are dreadfully set against ladies and gentlemen using the same water1 promiscuous bathing flourishes more nakedly than anywhere on the ,continent2 and the gentlemen have neither tents nor costumes4 ,in ,margate and ,deal the machines are of either sex1 and the gentlemen are clad in coloured pocket-handkerchiefs4 ,at ,birchington ,i bathed from a boat which was besieged by a bevy of wandering water-nymphs1 begging me to let them dive from it4 ,and they dived divinely6 ,though the profanum vulgus takes possession of our strands1 and ,edwin and ,angelina are common objects of the sea-shore1 yet ,i cannot help thinking that there is many a vulgar ,british beach that would ravish us did we light upon it in other lands4 ,oh1 how picturesque6 ,what a gay grouping of colour6 ,what an enchanting medley of pink parasols and golden sand and chintz tents and white bathing-machines1 and blue skies and black minstrels and green waters1 and creamy flannels and gauzy dresses6 ,and--ciel6 what cherubic children6 and--corpo di ,bacco6--what pretty women6 ,what frank abandon to the airy influences of the scene6 ,what unconventionality6 ,what unrestraint6 ,see how that staid old signor allows himself to be buried and excavated by the bambino4 ,watch that charming maman unblushingly bathing bb4 ,note that portly matrona careering upon the asino6 ,what cares she for her dignity8 ,listen to the babel--,greek3 hokae pokae1 hokae pokae ,drei shies a pfennig6 ,your photograph1 seorita8 ,look6 the coquettish contadina is slapping the face of the roguish vetturino6 ,how the good-natured crowd1 easily pleased1 gathers round the ,ethiopian troubadour1 trolling in unison his amorous catches6-- ,daisy1 ,daisy1 donne-moi ta rponse4 ,and hark6 ,do you not hear in the distance the squeak of ,puncinello8 ,ah6 why have we none of this happy carelessness in ,england8--we who take our pleasures moult tristement--why have we not this lightheartedness1 this camaraderie of enjoyment8 ,why cannot we throw aside our insular stiffness1 our ,british hauteur1 and be natural8 ,i journeyed to ,broadstairs1 late at night1 riding in a three-horsed brake with many a jocund passenger4 ,and then something happened4 ,something ineffably trivial1 and yet a matter of life and death4 ,we were bowling merrily along the country lanes in the fragrant air4 ,it was a dark1 starless night1 but so warm that the easterly sea-breeze fanned us like a zephyr4 ,and through the gloom a flash-light leaped and waned1 flickered and died and gleamed again with electric brilliance--the ,winnaker787 light from ,france1 a garrulous inhabitant assured us2 a rare phenomenon to be seen only once in a decade1 when an east wind clarifies the atmosphere1 and allows the rays to pierce through two dozen miles of strait4 ,it seemed like ,la ,belle ,france winking amicably to us across the waters4 ,and a little to the left twinkled ,the ,green ,man--no friendly public-house1 but a danger-signal from behind the ,goodwin ,sands1 likewise visible but by miracle4 ,and as we marvelled at these jewels of the night1 that shamed the absentee stars1 the brake stood still with a jolt and a shock that threw our gay company into momentary alarm4 ,but it was nothing4 ,only a horse fallen down dead6 ,one of our overworked wheelers had suddenly sunk upon the earth1 a carcase4 ,dust to dust6 ,who shall tell of the daylong agony of the dumb beast as he plodded pertinaciously through the heat1 ministering to the pleasures of his masters8 ,had he been a man1 how we should have praised him1 belauded the beauty of his end1 telling one another sanctimoniously that he had died in harness4 ,as it was we merely stripped him of his harness and deposited it in the brake6 ,we unhitched the leader and put him between the shafts1 side by side with the other horse1 both incurious and indifferent1 wasting nor glance nor nasal rub upon their defunct comrade4 ,we men feign better4 ,and then we drew him to the edge of the track1 a rigid1 lumbering mass2 and the garrulous inhabitant discussed the value of the carcase1 and the driver cracked his whip1 and the living horses stirred their haunches1 and in a moment we were spanking along1 leaving our fellow-creature to darkness and solitude4 ,only the flash-light from ,france glimmered upon the poor dead beast1 coming all the way to cheer him2 only the green eye from beyond the ,goodwins blinked upon his unheaving flanks4 ,and from far ahead came back to his deaf ears with ever-diminishing intensity our noisy madrigal--most music-hall1 most melancholy--his only dirge3 ,mary ,jane was a farmer's daughter1 ,mary ,jane did what she oughter4 ,she fell in love but all in vain4 ,o poor ,mary6 ,o poor ,jane6 ,,budapest ,the ,millennial ,exhibition of ,budapest--for which the ,directors gave me a season ticket as soon as they heard ,i was leaving--professes to celebrate the foundation of ,hungary2 but #hif is a very long time ago1 and the event does not seem to have been reported in the newspapers of the period4 ,however1 as a ,hungarian explained to me1 when you are counting by thousands you are not particular to a year or two1 so perhaps it was not precisely ten centuries ago that the foundation of ,hungary was inaugurated by a national assembly that created the ,constitution of ,pusztaszer4 ,after all1 have not those irrepressible ,german savants discovered that ,christ was born in the year #f ,b4,c48 ,at any rate1 there is no doubt that the ,magyars did steal a country some time or other in the remote past1 or in more political language1 did obtain a footing in ,europe by ousting the ,slav tribes that peopled the great plain bounded by the ,carpathians and the ,danube and the ,tisza4 ,they came from ,central ,asia1 on a late wave of that big ,westward ho6 movement of the ,eastern peoples1 a race of shepherds changed into an army of mounted archers1 and pitched their tents first in ,galieia1 uniting their seven tribes under the great chief ,arpd2 but1 harassed continually by local tribes with unpronounceable names1 they moved farther westwards to their present quarters1 where1 after a vain but spirited attempt to annex ,europe generally1 they settled down to comfort and civilisation1 ceased to offer white horses to idols1 and embraced ,christianity4 ,it seems that land-thieves are called conquerors2 and after a thousand years of possession of their stolen goods1 the glamour of a divine sanctity gets over the past1 and high-minded natives live and die for the country which seems to have been theirs from time immemorial1 and in which their holiest feelings are enrooted4 ,what makes national robberies moral is the fact that there is honour among the thieves4 ,the morality of crowds is1 in fact1 as different from that of individuals as the psychology of crowds which has just engaged the attention of an ingenious scientist4 ,into the original conquerors of a country a miscellaneous assortment of other races always gets absorbed1 as the ,franks by the ,gauls1 the ,turkish ,bulgarians by the ,slavs4 ,the ,hungarians absorbed into themselves ,italians1 ,germans1 and ,czechs1 and the modern ,hungarian is1 according to ,arminius ,vambery1 a typical product of the fusion of ,europe and ,asia1 ,turanian and ,aryan4 ,and that is the sort of way in which after a few centuries we get the chauvinistic cries3 ,germany for the ,germans1 ,poland for the ,polish1 ,hungary for the ,hungarians4 ,in truth1 no nation has a right to anything it cannot hold by might4 ,and who shall determine what a nation is8 ,who are the ,americans8 ,who are the ,english8 ,norman and ,saxon and ,dane are we4 ,and once upon a time some of us threw up our country and sailed away in the ,mayflower4 ,for patriotism is not the only bond of brotherhood4 ,men may be the sons of an idea as well as of a soil4 ,there was a ,hungarian girl selling silver at a stall1 who had spent four years in ,chicago4 ,never have ,i heard better ,american1 except it be from a ,budapest man who had come back to revisit his native town1 and was disgusted with its smallness and slowness4 ,per contra1 ,i met an ,american girl in ,switzerland who had lived much in ,germany1 and whose ,english had such a ,teutonic intonation that it was difficult to realise she was not speaking ,german4 ,and language is but typical of the rest4 ,all other national characteristics are imbibed as subtly4 ,what makes a nation is a certain common spirit1--,volksgeist1 as the ,german psychologists have christened it1--and this spirit exercises a hypnotic effect over all that comes within its range1 moulding and transforming4 ,there is action and reaction4 ,the nation makes the national spirit1 and the national spirit makes the nation4 ,the flag1 the constitution1 the national anthems1 the national prejudices1 the language1 the proverbs--these are the product of the people they produce4 ,i am inclined to allow more importance to education and environment than to actual birth in a country1 and to believe that for a native1 birth is only an etymological necessity4 ,natives are made as well as born4 ,the born native has merely the advantage of prior arrival1 and if the foreign immigrant is only of a plastic age he may come to love the step-mother-country more than one of her own sons1 educated abroad4 ,this consideration would solve every ,uitlander question3 is the national spirit strong enough to suck in the foreigners8 ,can the nation digest them1 to vary the metaphor--assimilate them to its own substance8 ,i once proposed to a biologist--who flouted it--that a definition of ,life might be the power of converting foreign elements1 taken in as food1 to one's own substance4 ,thus1 a plant sucks up chemical elements and makes flowers2 a man turns them to flesh4 ,here is a piece of meat3 eaten by a dog it runs to tail and teeth1 for a cat it makes fur and whiskers1 for a bird feathers1 for a woman a lovable face4 ,and so the test of life in a nation would be its power of transforming its immigrants into patriots4 ,only a dead nation is afraid of foreigners4 ,the figure has its limits1 however3 one cannot gulp down too large a piece of meat4 ,and there are things inedible--substances which no stomach can digest4 ,the ,americans will never make ,yankees of their ,chinese4 ,on the other hand1 nowhere have ,i found more ardent patriots than among the ,jews4 ,englishmen in ,england1 ,americans in ,america1 ,italians in ,italy1 ,frenchmen in ,france1 and only not ,russians in ,russia because they are not allowed to be1 they are rabid ,hungarians in ,hungary2 and if ,i have caught any enthusiasm for ,hungary it is from the lips of a young and brilliant ,jew1 ,vidor ,emil1 who piloted me about ,budapest1 and who1 under ,marmorek ,oszkr1 another young ,jew1 built ,old ,buda1 perhaps the most interesting feature of the ,millennial ,exhibition4 ,this ,jewish patriotism1 which loves at once ,israel and some other nation1 may appear curious and contradictory2 but human nature is nothing if not curious and contradictory1 and this dual affection has been aptly compared to that of a mother for her different children4 ,and besides1 in a contest the love of ,israel goes down before the more local patriotism4 ,french and ,german ,jews fought each other in the ,franco-,german war1 and probably it is only persecution that accentuates the consciousness of ,jewish brotherhood4 ,wherever the ,jews have perfect equality and have been tempted out of the ,ghetto1 there the beginnings of disintegration are manifest4 ,and who shall say how much ,jewish blood dilutes the nations of the ,occident1 for all their chauvinistic talk6 ,mr4 ,du ,maurier1 in his unmentionable novel1 suspects1 like ,lowell1 that a drop of it has lurked in every artistic temperament4 ,and1 in sober truth1 the drain from ,israel throughout the centuries has been immense4 ,in every age1 in every country1 ,jews have been sucked up into the more brilliant life around them1 exchanging contempt and danger for consideration and peace4 ,i know an ,english gentleman who goes about in fear and trembling lest it transpire that he is of the race of the apostles1 and he be driven out of decent ,christian society4 ,cherchez le ,juif is1 indeed1 no empty cry1 whenever a new artistic or journalistic planet swims into our ken4 ,that the ,jew rules over the ,continental press is not quite so untrue as most anti-,semitic cries4 ,have you any ,christians on your staff8 ,i said to the editor of the great ,budapest newspaper1 ,pesther ,lloyd1 a fine figure of a man1 long-bearded and benevolent1 like an ancient sage4 ,he pondered4 ,i think we have one1 he said4 ,on the other hand1 there are many ,german and ,austrian papers on which there is only one ,jew4 ,and in any case the real meaning of the cry is ludicrously untrue4 ,for the ,jew by no means uses his power to help ,jews indiscriminately3 there is no secret brotherhood of the synagogue4 ,the ,jewish journalists have probably never been in a synagogue1 except perhaps as children2 they are divorced in thought and temper from the body proper4 ,and the only sense in which their pen can be said to have a ,jewish bias is in that complimentary sense which makes the ,jew synonymous with the champion of sweetness and light1 of liberty and reason4 ,in this sense it is true that the ,jew is wielding an insidious influence throughout ,europe1 like the old apostles among the heathen4 ,oh yes1 the ,jews are very well off in ,hungary1 said one of the staff of the ,pesther ,lloyd4 ,there are #aej1jjj ,jews in ,budapest2 they enter all the professions1 and supply two members to the ,house of ,magnates1 and nine to the ,chamber of ,deputies1 and there are two ,state ,councillors2 and you know with us every member of ,parliament 'thous' every other in private as an equal4 ,for the laws1 liberal as they are1 are not so liberal as the spirit of society4 ,i1 mere journalist as ,i am1 have the most friendly talks with the ,prime ,minister1 and am a member of the swellest political clubs4 ,we are a good deal like ,england1 by the way3 our middle-classes produce our leaders1 our aristocracy lacks eloquence and talent1 and has only a court influence4 ,our ,house of ,commons is the most fashionable club4 ,we have no censor1 whereas ,austria has an oppressive censorship as well as anti-,semitism4 ,in fact1 the influence of ,vienna has caused a decline in our own tolerant spirit1 and at the best of times a ,jew needed to have three times the talent of a ,christian to make equal progress in any career4 ,a consideration which sufficiently accounts for the superiority of the ,jewish remnant4 ,intolerance and persecution are furnaces which1 when they do not destroy1 temper and anneal and strengthen4 ,it is as with the bare-footed1 half-clad1 underfed children of the slums3 those that do survive are strong indeed4 ,let my patriotic cicerone1 the ,jewish architect1 testify4 ,first in all his examinations1 a violinist1 a bicyclist1 a gymnast1 he was to be gazetted a premier lieutenant as soon as he had completed his military service4 ,he was a linguist1 too 7as every travelled ,hungarian must be1 for ,hungarian will carry him nowhere71 speaking excellent ,english and reading our magazines regularly4 ,humani nihil a me alienum puto might have been his motto4 ,kossuth himself is said to have had a ,jewish grandmother4 ,the ,jews are largely responsible for the prosperity of ,budapest1 as they were for that of ,vienna1 which now turns round upon them4 ,fancy a country quarrelling with its coal and iron6 ,and the true wealth of a country is even more in its population than in its dead products4 ,i found the ,viennese comic papers full of the old anti-,semitic jokes1 hashed up1 ,i have little doubt1 by the same journalists who are supposed to judaize the press of ,europe4 ,even so in ,america1 are not the ,jewish caricatures in ,puck often done by a brother of ,m4 de ,blowitz8 ,in something of the same spirit1 when the notorious ,lueger1 whose platform was the extinction of the ,jews of ,vienna1 was up for election as ,burgomaster of that town1 a poor ,jew took a bribe of a couple of florins to vote for him4 ,god will frustrate him1 said the pious ,jew4 ,meantime ,i have his money4 ,the chief surprise of ,hungary is its language4 ,though one knows that ,joka writes in the strange tongue which sticks its verb into the middle of its noun1 yet one vaguely thinks of it as of ,gaelic or ,welsh--something archaic1 kept for ,eisteddfods and ,renaissances--and it is not till one arrives in ,hungary that one realises that it is a living1 disconcerting reality4 ,the great ,european languages have affinities with one another3 ,latin puts one on bowing terms with ,french and ,spanish1 ,italian and ,portuguese2 ,english is not entirely unrelated to ,german1 ,dutch1 and even ,norwegian2 old ,greek is the key to modern4 ,but in ,hungary one comes face to face with an absolutely new language1 in which even guesswork is impossible4 ,when ,levelez-,lap means a postcard1 and ra egy napra means price per day1 you feel that it is all up4 ,the nearest relatives of ,hungarian are ,turkish and ,finnish1 the ,asiatic ancestors of the race having lived between ,finns and ,turks2 and it bears traces of their migrations1 and of the great ,mongol invasion of ,europe by ,djingis ,khan4 ,with a language thus handicapped1 it was a mistake to have scarcely a word of any other tongue in an ,exhibition designed to attract ,europe4 ,the only scrap of ,english ,i saw was in the ,french ,theatre1 in the show of ,living ,pictures1 the 7,london7 director of which had forgotten to alter the titles printed beneath the frames4 ,even in giving the names of foreign authors the ,hungarians preserve their habit of placing the ,christian name second2 so that ,i saw in the booksellers' windows works by ,eliot ,george1 ,kock ,paul1 and ,black ,william4 ,hungary is still in the flush of youth1 high-spirited1 brilliant1 enthusiastic1 and a little out of perspective in its national consciousness4 ,but who would ever do anything if he saw his true place in the cosmos8 ,the rapid rise of ,budapest--unprecedented save in the gold countries--into a capital of ,european importance1 has shed a buoyant optimism1 refreshing enough in this jaded century1 over the inhabitants of that beautiful city4 ,we are the ,vienna of the future1 cried my cicerone1 and already ,vienna is feeling our rivalry4 ,the retired ,jewish merchants who went there to spend their fortunes are now coming to us2 the anti-,semitism of ,vienna is at once the cause and the effect of bad business4 ,and ,vienna is on the downward grade2 we are on the upward4 ,vienna has never been the capital of ,austria1--which is a mere federation of races1--as ,budapest is the capital of ,hungary4 ,the ,german is proud of ,vienna1 yes2 but the ,czech looks to ,prague1 the ,pole to ,cracow1 the ,austro-,italian swears by ,trieste4 ,he also complained that there is rather a tendency to think of ,hungary as subject to ,austria1 instead of an associated state2 and that this tendency is fomented by the ,austrian papers1 whose references to ,hungary insinuate this conception4 ,the ,hungarian papers1 whose tone would counteract it1 not being in ,german1 are not read by the rest of ,europe4 ,hungary had always beaten ,austria4 ,she had never been defeated save by allies of ,austria4 ,but ,hungary1 which is so mettlesome and restive in her patriotism1 whose great son1 ,kossuth1 would never even accept the compromise with the ,house of ,hapsburg1 has yet no compunction in dominating inferior races1 in grinding ,serbs1 ,croats and ,roumanians into her own pattern4 ,the ,hungarians1 who are in the minority1 are yet moulding these alien nationalities to their own will4 ,but que voulez-vous8 ,the inhabitants of many nations have adopted ,christianity1 the nations themselves never4 ,perhaps the next step for the ,christian missionaries is to found international ,christianity4 ,still the ,hungarians have the qualities of their defects4 ,unlike the ,turks1 their neighbours1 they are a race with a future1 and ,budapest is from one point of view one of the sightliest capitals of ,europe4 ,what town has a fairer situation8 ,with ,parisian ,pesth sitting stately on one bank of the ,danube1 and ,turkish ,buda climbing up the hills in a series of hanging gardens crowned by gilt domes and cupolas on the other1 the two joined by wonderful bridges1 she exhibits an unsurpassed contrast2 and at night1 when the long stretch of the river is a-twinkle with lights reflected as shining spears1 she may even vie with ,venice or the ,thames ,embankment4 ,from the ,andrassy ,avenue1 a beautiful ,boulevard1 with its cafs and book-shops1 and pleasant interludes of flower-beds and fountains1 you may get1 in a few minutes--crossing the ,danube on a great steamer1 and ascending the heights of ,buda by a funicular railway--to a spot where1 seated in an avenue of chestnut trees and looking on the villa-strewn slopes of sleeping hills1 or watching the sun set in splendour behind them1 you may forget that you are living in a bustling modern town1 and one with an ,exhibition to boot4 ,you may dream of the picturesque days when1 as shown in ,ujvry's great panorama of the sister towns in #afhj1 ,buda was by far the better half1 and ,pesth was a tiny spot4 ,you may visit the tomb of ,gul ,baba1 father of the roses1 a shrine of pilgrimage to all good ,turks4 ,you may find a good quarter of an hour in the ,church of ,st4 ,matthias1 whose spire comes up white amid the green as you turn a corner2 a curious monument1 that was three centuries a-building2 its interior suffused1 like ,st4 ,mark's1 by a golden glow1 its coloured windows original in shape1 and no two pillars or capitals alike in design1 yet all contributing to a quaint unity and harmony4 ,and it is at ,buda that the chief national buildings stand1 usually flanked by chestnut trees1 and the statues in memory of the wars4 ,here is the ,war-,office of the ,territorial ,army 7which is distinct from the joint ,austro-,hungarian army72 here are the ,premier's ,palace1 the ,houses of ,parliament1 and the ,king's ,palace of many windows set on a breezy hill1 and now being enlarged at a cost of thirty million florins4 ,fortunate ,francis ,joseph1 to command such a panorama from his bedroom window3 his hanging gardens1 that slope towards the ,danube1 flowing with molten sparkle1 spanned by the great suspension bridge and the railway bridges2 and broken by the beautiful ,margaret ,island2 the spires and chimneys and cupolas of ,pesth1 and the mountains of ,buda4 ,margaret ,island is the ,pearl of the ,danube1 a charming retreat in spring and autumn1 when the heat does not force ,fashion to the mountains1 and famous for its mineral springs1 hot and cold4 ,it belongs to the ,king's cousin1 ,prince ,joseph1 and is a white elephant4 ,the cost of gardening this beautiful island is colossal1 and though the ,prince has just drained a portion which used to be a swamp1 the ,danube is a standing danger4 ,it is scarcely surprising that he cannot find a purchaser at three million florins4 ,one of the walls of his private garden 7which produces celebrated roses7 is the remnant of an old cloister4 ,a tramcar runs through the island1 giving one tantalising vistas of glorious stretches of woodland4 ,altogether ,budapest would be an ideal place for a honeymoon but for the beauty of the women1 which might make the bridegroom dissatisfied4 ,but the ,pesth part of ,budapest is a disappointment4 ,one expects to feel the first breath of the ,east1 and one gets a modern1 a ,western1 almost an ,american town1 with an electric underground railway and a telephonic newspaper which reads itself out all day long to whosoever will clap the cups to his ears--the old town crier in terms of modern science4 ,but it rounds off the day1 poetically enough1 with music1 so that when ,i sought to hear the latest news1 ,i was treated to ,handel's ,hallelujah4 ,how much more soothing than our own extra special1 with its final crop of horrors6 ,music1 indeed1 is ever resounding3 the gipsy bands are everywhere playing--,hungarian1 not gipsy music1 as ,liszt imagined1 for they never play to the white men4 ,the splendid ,rkczi ,march1 which ,berlioz introduced into his ,faust1 is1 however1 of gipsy origin1 having been invented1 says tradition1 by ,cinka ,panna1 the faithful gipsy girl of ,rkczi ,,ii41 after his defeat4 ,there are also ,betjr melodies1 the songs of the brigand cavaliers1 the romantic robbers who took from the rich to give to the poor1 like our ,robin ,hood4 ,the ,exhibition1 which ,i fear will be a financial failure1 is only one of the many celebrations of the ,millennium1 which include the erection of statues and an ,arc de ,triomphe1 the opening of a canal1 the construction of two new bridges1 of three or four great public buildings1 the inauguration of the splendid new ,houses of ,parliament--situated like our own on the river-side1--international congresses1 historical cortges1 and the opening of five hundred new primary schools6 ,this programme is a sufficient guarantee that the ,exhibition itself is similarly thorough-going1 that it represents every side and department of the national life2 and if much of it does not differ from other ,exhibitions1 or even from ,whiteley's ,stores1 this can only be the more gratifying to the ,hungarians1 inasmuch as it proves that they have indeed come into step with the general march of ,european civilisation4 ,for my part ,i am not sure that ,i do not prefer ,arpd's ,hungarians1 who believed in one ,god and one wife1 and roved about ,europe in the four-wheeled waggons they had invented4 ,and ,i am certain that in the ,exhibition ,i preferred the beautiful aquarium in the cool dim grotto1 which has nothing to do with ,hungary1 to all the splendours of the ,historical ,group of ,buildings1 to the great model steamer1 the naval and military pavilions1 the very new and very glaring native pictures1 and even the wonderful models of the town and the steamer-laden ,danube4 ,one great lack in the ,exhibition is lavatories4 ,even at my hotel--a place of gilded saloons--they charged two florins 7about #cs4 #d;d47 for a plain bath1 as if in sheer surprise4 ,in ,old ,buda ,i could only get a bucket from an old woman in which to wash4 ,and the next day1 when ,i repaired confidently in search of this bucket1 there was nothing but a tiny saucepan1 the contents of which she poured over my hands1 watering a garden-plot at the same time4 ,after the first jet ,i moved my hands away and said that would do4 ,no1 no1 she cried3 if you wash1 you must wash properly4 ,and ,i had to stand still and be poured upon till she was satisfied4 ,perhaps the most interesting exhibit is the ethnographic village1 designed to represent the life of the ,hungarian provinces1 though made rather ridiculous by the rigidity of the waxwork figures1 arranged about the quaint and impossibly clean houses in their various occupations1 but having the air of tableaux morts rather than of tableaux vivants4 ,the best group was al fresco1 representing half-naked gipsy-like creatures with coal-black hair squatting outside tents and mud-houses1 the women smoking pipes4 ,and this exhibition of unrealities brings me on to the most original feature of the ,exhibition1 which seems to have escaped all the reporters--to wit1 the exhibition of realities4 ,for the committee have hit on a most ingenious notion4 ,the peasants of ,hungary marry1 and they marry picturesquely4 ,why should this picturesqueness be wasted1 or only be reproduced artificially in comic operas8 ,when a marriage is to be celebrated in any village1 let the scene be shifted to the capital3 let the wedding-party come up to the ,exhibition4 ,free transit is provided on the railway for the happy couple1 the wedding-guests1 and all the stage-properties4 ,and so they come up to ,budapest1--from ,toroczk1 ,szabolcs1 ,krass-,szrny1 and who knows what outlandish places1 glad of the opportunity of seeing the great capital1--and they gather in the ,exhibition grounds1 the lads with flower-wreathed hats and streamers of many-coloured ribbons1 the lasses with gay skirts and tall black combs1 the old women with lace head-shawls1 carrying bundles of house-linen and stockings for the bride2 and the sheepish pair are made one1 and the peasants dance and then go in procession to the strains of the ,rkczi ,march1 and are photographed with odd spectators 7like myself7 tacked on1 and they sit down to the wedding-dinner under the trees1 and the viands are heaped high on the white table-cloths1 sun-dappled with the shadows of the moving leaves4 ,and then they visit themselves in waxwork1 and go into ecstacies over the stolid representations of their life and their furniture1 and they walk about the town--a sort of grown-up school-procession--and go home to thrill the wide-eyed village with tales of the wonderful city4 ,but the other instance of converting realities into spectacles is not so commendable4 ,in the supplementary exhibition of ,old ,buda stands a reproduction of an ,old ,buda mosque1 built of stone1 majolica and wood1 in a mixture of ,turkish and ,european architecture1 with minaret and cupolas1 and a small kiosk in the ,indian style for a sleeping fakir4 ,here ,moslems and ,dervishes assemble to say or dance their prayers2 and for a florin you may ascend the gallery and watch them below4 ,the mosque opened on the holy night of ,bairam1 the most solemn feast of the ,mohammedan year1 and quite a crowd planked down their silver to listen to the pious worshippers4 ,is it not shameful8 ,i am happy to say ,i did not pay for my seat4 ,even in ,budapest ,i was a persona gratis4 ',t was certainly a remarkable scene1 its solemnity emphasized by the thunder without1 that drowned the voice of the muddin calling to prayer1 and by the lightning and rain-torrents that sent the pretty little al fresco waitresses scudding about with their serviettes on their heads to tend the few parties in the leafy square that dined on regardless of diluted wine or under the protection of umbrellas4 ,how the ,turks further wetted themselves by complex ablutions in the tank 7meydih7 in the courtyard without1 how they removed their shoes and1 entering the mosque1 knelt on their carpets facing towards ,mecca1 and turning their backs on me1 a serried array of long-robed figures swaying and falling forward with automatic regularity1 and showing pairs of heels not always clean1 while the ,imam chanted heart-breaking dirges overhead1 ,i shall not detail1 for everybody has read of ,moslem services4 ,but ,i do not remember to have come across any accurate description of a service of ,dancing ,dervishes such as followed the more orthodox ceremonial4 ,all the mere ,mussulmans having retired1 the ,dervishes sat around cross-legged1 forming an oval4 ,presently they began to say some phrase1 presumably ,turkish 7it sounded like es klabbam vivurah71 which they repeated and repeated and repeated with the same endless1 uniform1 monotonous intonation1 swaying from right to left and from left to right1 till ,i felt the whole universe was this phrase1 and nothing else would happen till the end of the world1 and the world would never end4 ,at last1 when ,i had reconciled myself to living for ever and ever with this sound in my ears1 they broke into a pleasant melody with rhyming stanzas and a refrain of ,hazlee4 ,then they started on another word with endless iteration1 and then they repeated ,allah1 ,allah1 ,allah1 swaying and swaying till the universe began to reel4 ,i became aware that their chief1 who was seated on a special red carpet1 was counting on a rosary1 and ,i drew relief from the deduction that an end would come4 ,it did1 but worse remained behind2 for the ,dervishes got up and formed a ring round their chief1 and began swaying right and left and backwards and forwards1 unrestingly1 remorselessly1 getting quicker and quicker1 till there was nothing in the world but swayings this way and that way1 back and forth4 ,at last the movements began to slow down and to sweep over larger curves1 and suddenly they stopped altogether1 only to recommence as the fanatics started singing a joyous hymn4 ,alas6 thought ,i1 one half the world is a laughing-stock to the other half1 if indeed not rather a source of tears4 ,for now the chief1 whose fine gloomy ,eastern face still haunts me1 was bowing to his men1 and they were responding with strange raucous cries compounded of the roars of wild beasts and the pants of locomotives4 ,hu6 ,hu6 they roared in savage unison1 ,hu6 ,hu6 monotonously1 endlessly1 making strange motions4 ,hoarser and more bestial grew the frightful roars1 wilder and wilder grew the movements1 the head-gear falling off1 faces growing black1 the chief standing silent with his hand on his breast1 but in his pale face a tense look of ever-gathering excitement4 ,and then two of the ,dervishes held out a curved sword1 and the roars redoubled and the chests heaved with wilder breaths2 and suddenly the ,chief1 throwing off his stocking-wraps1 jumped on the blade with his naked feet and balanced himself upon it1 the muscles of his face rigid1 his teeth clenched4 ,four times he stood upon the bare sword-edge amid this hellish howling and this mad swaying1 the perspiration running down the foreheads of the devotees1 some of them foaming at the mouth4 ,and then they moved round in a circle to the right1 howling ,he6 ,he6 an ,armenian ,dervish in a tall brown hat varying it by ,ho6 ,ho6 and another worshipper singing in a high voice4 ,the chief bared his breast1 and twirling a heavy-hafted dagger1 plunged it into his side4 ,when this had been repeated three or four times1 pandemonium ceased4 ,the ,holy ,man1 with an air of supreme exhaustion and supreme ecstasy1 reclad himself in his white mantle1 and the faithful ones wiped their brows1 and re-squatting on the ground exultantly vociferated ,allah about a hundred times1 nodding their heads1 and finally changing their cry into ,bou6 ,bou6 ,after a little singing and a shouting of ,din6 ,din6 they pressed their foreheads to the ground with a shout of ,bou6 and suddenly rose and decamped4 ,other nights other services1 and the hysterical worship sometimes embraces a sort of serpentine skirt-dancing with frenzied twirling4 ,there was no blood from the chief's wounds1 but the performance does not seem to me to be jugglery4 ,it seems rather akin to hypnotism4 ,the wild cries and gyrations induce a state of anesthesia1 just as by the excitement of battle the soldier is so wrought up that he does not feel his wounds4 ,even in a sham fight a soldier told me he got to such a pitch that he could have done or suffered anything4 ,as for the blood not running from the wounds1 ,i conjecture that the places had become insensitive by frequent stabbing in the same spot4 ,and this is the miracle that testifies to the saintliness of the ,dervish and to the truth of his doctrines6 ,i suspect that much of the wisdom of the ,east is of this character3 ancient discoveries of the shady side of human psychology1 the grotesque aberrations1 trances1 hypnotic impressionability1 double personalities1 ghosts1 second-sight1 what not4 ,and these being misunderstood have always been supposed to trench on the divine4 ,for what is not normal is not human1 and what is not human is superhuman4 ,so runs the simple logic4 ,but hysteria can never be a foundation for a creed1 and a true religion must always appeal to the common central facts of human experience4 ,there was another ,exhibition going on1 as it always goes on1 in the town1 for the ,people's ,park has very little verdure and consists almost entirely of side-shows and open-air restaurants4 ,i saw swings and merry-go-rounds1 a circus1 and a marionette theatre1 and heard ,punch and ,judy discussing their domestic differences in ,hungarian1 and ,toby barking in the same uncouth tongue4 ,the joy with which the public greeted each crack on the head administered by ,herr ,punch's stick showed me how hopeless it was to write literary plays4 ,for the primitive emotions will always be the most captivating4 ,a fight must ever beat the most subtle psychology2 and indeed those writers for whom the drama is the art of manufacturing excitement and suspense must find it difficult to compete with a lottery drawing1 a prize-fight1 or a horse-race1 where the issue is known not even to the organiser of the excitement4 ,and this consideration will show why some books are very successful1 the art of which is very little4 ,nothing is harder in real life than to put your back against the wall on a dark staircase and keep three armed men at bay with your whirling sword4 ,but nothing is easier than for the romantic writer to dip his pen in ink and say that his hero did that4 ,and nothing is more stimulating and exciting for the reader than to imagine the hero doing it2 and in his gratitude to the giver of all this beautiful breathlessness he is likely1 unless he is an analytical person1 to mistake a cheap effect for precious art4 ,but the bulk of humanity must always remain at the ,punch-and-,judy stage of art4 ,if only the critics would outgrow it6 ,the clowns in the circus who came on with red noses were a further proof of the sempiternal simplicity of our race2 and ,i could have wished for the heart of that urchin whom ,i saw trying to peer in under the canvas1 and whom1 with a reminiscence of the young ,gradgrinds1 ,i was about to pay for1 when he suddenly produced a florin and many coppers and went in like a man4 ,sitting in the front row1 ,i had a curious presentiment that the daring bare-backed rider would be thrown at my feet2 and sure enough he was1 and1 as ,i picked him up1 ,i saw by the perspiration what toil his graceful feats concealed4 ,poor cavalier6 ,i am sure his pride was more hurt than his person1 and he excelled himself in galloping round poised on one toe4 ,when he was recalled after his exit1 he tumbled his thanks1 giving us complex somersaults in lieu of bows4 ,i sometimes fancy he was a holier person than the ,chief of the ,dancing ,dervishes4 ,,chicago ,the function and value of literature are curiously illustrated by the passing away of the ,great ,white ,elephant4 ,the criticisms by spectators of the ,world's ,fair have not been so comprehensive as the ,fair itself1 and ,i feel that ,i ought to supplement them by the impressions it made upon one who did not see it4 ,for1 despite the assurance of the official programme1 that ,i delivered an address in the ,parliament of ,religions1 ,i was in ,england1 so far as ,i know1 the whole time4 ,the first impression the ,fair made upon me was one of sublimity--but of what ,sir ,william ,hamilton calls the material sublime1 scarcely at all of the moral sublime1 which was supposed to be its raison d'tre4 ,i was1 of course1 aware that great spiritual facts underlay the physical grandeurs2 but spiritual emotion is difficult to get at a distance4 ,one requires the actual objects to impinge on the soul1 the architectural glories and industrial splendours to touch through bodily vision4 ,one realises it so vaguely1 and fails to get the half-aesthetic1 half-religious1 uplifting that concrete visualisation should supply4 ,it is1 perhaps1 a pity that ,whitman did not live to see the spectacle1 he whose inspiration came so often from synthesis1 from a vision of the ,,all4 ,the cosmopolitan cataloguer1 the man who made inventories almost epical1 is the one man to whom the ,fair would have been a magnificent inspiration4 ,judging from the ,fair1 ,whitman would seem justified in claiming to be the voice of ,america4 ,the ,fair was like him both in its moral broadness and its material all-inclusiveness4 ,in his absence no poet has risen to the height of this great argument1 so that now the insubstantial pageant is faded1 now that the cloud-capp'd towers1 the gorgeous palaces1 the solemn temples1 have dissolved1 like the baseless fabric of a vision1 they have left not a rack of real literature behind4 ,and to what but literature can one look for a permanent conservator of the eternal lesson of an ephemeral exhibition8 ,truly1 as the ,latin poet said1 literature is more durable than monuments and dynasties4 ,except as an object-lesson in the unity and federation of mankind1 the ,fair had no valuable raison d'tre1 and1 unfortunately1 the school-term was short and the number of pupils comparatively limited4 ,america is a long way from everywhere1 even from itself1 and the moral heat dissipates in crossing the ocean to the ,old ,world4 ,the ,congress of ,religions in whose voluminous report the ,fair has still a chance of surviving itself1 was the most patently spiritual side of the ,exposition1 and was1 undoubtedly1 a most valuable index of the progress of human catholicism4 ,that the sects are as narrow as they are numerous1 is still largely true1 and half the world is still ignorant of how the other half prays1 though by a happy accident of birth all the world inherits the one true religion4 ,the greatest force in the universe is the vis inertiae1 and the forces already at work must dree their weird4 ,to those who are outside all the sects without even circumscribing them1 the ,world's ,fair must bring home at once the greatness and vanity of man's life--man who lives like the angels and dies like the brutes--the mortal paradox that has puzzled all thinkers from the ,psalmist to ,pascal4 ,for the unbeliever this must ever be the ugly reverse of all glories that are merely material1 though the sensuous optimist need not allow the skeleton at the feast to spoil his appetite4 ,the last impression made by the ,world's ,fair upon me was one of sadness--sadness at not having seen it4 ,,edinburgh ,till ,i went to ,edinburgh ,i did not know what ,the ,evergreen was4 ,newspaper criticisms had given me vague misrepresentations of a ,scottish ,yellow ,book calling itself a ,northern ,seasonal4 ,but even had ,i seen a copy myself ,i doubt if ,i should have understood it without going to ,edinburgh and even had ,i gone to ,edinburgh ,i should still have been in twilight had8 ,i not met ,patrick ,geddes1 ,professor of ,botany at the ,university of ,dundee4 ,for ,patrick ,geddes is the key to the ,northern position in life and letters4 ,the ,evergreen was not established as an antidote to the ,yellow ,book1 though it might well seem a colour counter-symbol--the green of spring set against the yellow of decadent leaves4 ,it is1 indeed1 an antidote but undesigned2 else had not yellow figured so profusely upon the cover4 ,the ,evergreen of to-day professes to be inspired by ,the ,evergreen which ,allan ,ramsay published in #agbd1 to stimulate a return to local and national tradition and living nature4 ,patrick ,geddes and ,colleagues1 who publish it and other books--on a new system of giving the author all the profits1 as certified by a chartered accountant--inherit ,ramsay's old home4 ,that is to say1 they are located in a sort of ,university ,settlement1 known as ,ramsay ,garden1 a charming collection of flats1 overlooking from its eastled hill the picturesque city1 and built by the many-sided ,professor of ,botany1 and they aspire also to follow in the gentle shepherd's footsteps as workers and writers1 publishers and builders4 ,in fact1 their aim is synthesis1 construction1 after our long epoch of analysis1 destruction4 ,they would organise life as a whole1 expressing themselves through educational and civic activities1 through art and architecture1 and make of ,edinburgh the ,cit du ,bon ,accord dreamed of by ,elise ,reclus4 ,they feel acutely the need of fresh readings in life1 of fresh groupings in science1 both now mainly from the humanist's side1 as lately from the naturalist's side4 ,in this ,university ,settlement the publishing and writing department is to represent the scriptorium of the ancient monasteries4 ,of the local and national traditions this new ,scottish school is particularly concerned to foster the so-called ,celtic renascence1 and--what is more interesting to outsiders--the revival and development of the old ,continental sympathies of ,scotland4 ,the ancient league with ,france has deeply marked ,scotch history1 and even moulded ,scotch architecture4 ,as ,disraeli said in his inaugural address on his institution as ,lord ,rector of the ,university of ,glasgow1 it is not in ,scotland that the name of ,france will ever be mentioned without affection4 ,so1 among the endless projects of the effervescent ,professor1 is one for reviving the ,scotch college in ,paris--the original building happening still to survive--and for making it a centre for ,scottish students and ,scottish culture in the gay city4 ,thus1 while the men of ,the ,evergreen would renew local feeling and local colour1 they would also express the larger view of ,edinburgh as not only a ,national and ,imperial but a ,european city--the larger view of ,scotland1 again as in recent1 in mediaeval1 most of all in ancient times1 one of the ,european ,powers of ,culture--as of course far smaller countries like ,norway are to-day4 ,an aspiration with which all intelligent men must sympathise4 ,the quest at once of local colour and cosmopolitanism is not at all self-contradictory4 ,the truest cosmopolitanism goes with the intensest local colour1 for otherwise you contribute nothing to the human treasury and make mankind one vast featureless monotony4 ,harmonious diversity is the true cosmopolitan concept1 and who will not applaud this desire of ,edinburgh to range itself again amongst the capitals of culture8 ,why should it take its tone from ,london8 ,that centripetal force which draws villages to towns and towns to capitals everywhere tends to concentrate in one city a country's culture1 and to brand as provincial that which is not of the centre4 ,but the centre is corrosive of originality1 and if now and then a great man does abide therein1 it is because he has the gift of solitude amid crowds1 and is not obnoxious to the contagion of the common thought4 ,the ,scotch ,school1 though its effort to emancipate itself from the intellectual thraldom of ,london is to be commended1 does not escape the dangers that lie in wait for all schools1 which upset one convention by another4 ,still1 a school of thought which is also a school of action has in itself the germs of perpetual self-recuperation4 ,yes1 there can be little danger of sinking into barren formulae1 into glib aesthetic prattle about ,renascence1 in a movement of which one expression is the purification of those plaguy1 if picturesque1 ,closes1 which are the foul blot upon the beautiful ,athens of the ,north4 ,those sunless courts1 entered by needles' eyes of apertures1 congested with hellish1 heaven-scaling barracks1 reeking with refuse and evil odours1 inhabited promiscuously by poverty and prostitution1 worse than the worst slums of ,london itself--how could they have been left so long to pollute the fairest and well-nigh the wealthiest city in the kingdom8 ,do you wonder ,edinburgh is renowned for its medical schools8 asked the ,professor grimly1 as he darted in and out among those foul alleys1 explaining how he was demolishing this and reconstructing that--at once a ,destroying ,angel and a ,redeemer4 ,veritable ghettoes they seemed1 these blind alleys of gigantic habitations1 branching out from the ,high ,street1 hidden away from the superficial passer-by faring to ,holyrood4 ,they were the pioneers of the trans-,atlantic sky-builders1 were those old burghers1 who1 shut in about their castled hill by the two lochs1 one of which is now the enchanting ,princes ,street1 were fain to build heavenwards as population grew4 ,it was a stormy morning when the mercurial ,professor of ,botany1 recking naught of the rain that saturated his brown cloak1 itself reluctantly donned1 led me hither and thither1 through the highways and byways of old ,edinburgh4 ,everywhere a litter of building operations1 and we trod gingerly many a decadent staircase4 ,sometimes a double row of houses had already been knocked away1 revealing a ,close within a ,close1 eyeless house behind blind alley1 and even so the diameter of the court still but a few yards4 ,what human ant-heaps1 what histories1 farces1 tragedies played out in airless tenebrosity6 ,the native writers seem to have strangely neglected the artistic wealth of all this poverty3 pathos and humour reside1 then1 only in villages6 ,thrums and ,drum-tochty and ,galloway exhaust the human tragi-comedy4 ,ah6 my friends1 go to the ant-hill and be wise6 ,the ,professor of ,botany 7seeming now rather of entomology7 explained the principle upon which he was destroying and rebuilding4 ,one had to be cautious4 ,he pointed out the head of a boy carved over one of the archways1 the one survivor of a fatal subsidence many years ago1 when the ground floor of one of the gigantic houses was converted into a shop1 with plate-glass windows in lieu of the solid stonework4 ,heave awa'6 cried a piping voice amid the dbris3 ,i'm no dead yet4 ,the ,professor's own destruction was conservative in character3 it was his aim to preserve the ancient note in the architecture1 and to make a clean ,old ,edinburgh of a dirty4 ,air and light were to be no longer excluded2 outside every house1 as flats or storeys are called1 a balcony was to run1 giving on sky and open ground4 ,eminent personages like ,lord ,rosebery1 ancestrally connected with ancient demesnes1 long perverted into pigsties1 had been induced to repurchase them1 thus restoring an archaic flavour of aristocratic prestige to these despised quarters4 ,the moral effect of grappling with an evil that had seemed so hopeless could not fail to be inspiring2 and1 as we plodded through the pouring3 streets1 ,i will remove this1 ,i will reconstruct that1 cried the enthusiastic ,professor1 till ,i almost felt ,i was walking with the ,emperor of ,edinburgh4 ,but whence come the sinews of war8 ,evidently no professor's privy purse would suffice4 ,i gathered that the apostle of the sanitary picturesque had inspired sundry local capitalists with his own patriotic enthusiasm4 ,what a miracle1 this trust in a man over-brimming with ideas1 the brilliant biological theoriser of ,the ,evolution of ,sex in the ,contemporary ,science ,series1 the patron of fantastic artists like ,john ,duncan6 ,obviously it is his architectural faculty that has saved him4 ,there stand the houses he has built--visible1 tangible1 delectable2 concrete proofs that he is no mere visionary4 ,and yet we may be sure the more frigid society of ,edina still looks askance on this dreamer in stone and fresco2 for after all ,edinburgh1 as ,professor ,blaekie said1 is an ,east-windy1 west-endy city4 ,cold and stately1 it sits on its height with something of the austere mournfulness of a ruined capital4 ,but we did not concern ourselves about the legal and scholastic quarters1 the ,professor and ,i4 ,we penetrated into inhabited interiors in the ,closes1 meeting strange female ruins on staircases1 or bonny housewives in bed-sitting-rooms1 in one of which a sick husband lay apologetically abed4 ,and when even the ,professor was forced at last to take refuge from the driving rain1 it was in ,john ,knox's house that we ensconced ourselves--the grim1 unlovely house of the great ,calvinist1 the doorway of which fanatically baptised me in a positive waterfall1 and in whose dark rooms1 as the buxom care-taker declared in explaining the presence of an empty cage1 no bird could live4 ,it is not only in its ,closes1 methought1 that ,scotland needs regen eration4 ,many a spiritual blind-alley has still to receive sunshine and air1 sweetness and light4 ,so let us welcome ,the ,evergreen and the planters thereof1 stunted and mean though its growth be as yet2 for not only in ,scotland may they bring refreshment1 but in that larger world where analysis and criticism have ended in degeneration and despair4 ,,fiesole ,,and ,,florence ,at ,fiesole ,i just missed a sensation4 ,two friends of mine were climbing at midnight the steep hill to the village1 when from beneath a dark arch there dashed down towards them two breathless carabinieri1 their cloaks flapping in the moonlight like the wings of the demon-bats of pantomime4 ,is it your way that the murdered man lies8 they panted4 ,murdered man6 ,at once a hundred shadowy reminiscences stirred in my friends' minds3 ,prosper ,mrime's novels1 stories of vendettas1 plots of plays1 morceaux d'opras1 even of comic operas2 and it was with a feeling in which the latter element predominated that they answered that they had come across no corpse4 ,the police-officers thanked them and hurried off1 so my friends soon understood1 as far as possible from the scene of the event2 for1 passing through the arch1 the ,inglesi came upon a track of blood1 black and clotted in the moonlight4 ,but it did not seem real to them--they still had a consciousness of comic opera1 a consciousness which was intensified rather than lessened when they emerged upon a group of excited villagers discussing the crime1 and learnt its cause4 ,two rival bands1 one from a neighbouring village1 had been performing at a local concerto1 and the two rival trumpeters had continued to blow their own trumpets after business hours4 ,fancy blowing with that little mouth6 said one4 ,i'm glad ,i haven't your maw 7boccone76 retorted the other4 ,from words it came to knives1 and ere you could say ,jacopo ,robinson a trumpeter lay weltering in his blood1 or rather in his gore1 and the murderer was flying into the arms of the police1 who incontinently turned and fled the other way4 ,when my friends passed by the house of the victim1 the midnight air was ringing with the horrible curses of his bereaved sister1 whose spasmodic face was visible at a window4 ,but the cold-blooded artistic ,english felt no answering throb of sympathy--it was still a scene in a play to them1 still a coup de thtre--they had lost the primary human instincts1 corrupted by a long course of melodrama and comic opera4 ,to-day ,i myself saw a carnival procession in the village piazza--a veritable survival of the ,middle ,ages2 a triumphal car wreathed in flowers1 driven by masquerading mummers and surrounded by ,pierrots and peasant buffoons1 a thoroughly nave and primitive bit of religion4 ,but it needed a perceptible effort to shake off the sense of the operatic1 to accept the thing as genuine4 ,ruskin contended 7in that olla podrida called ,modern ,painters7 that the ,swiss peasants do not really dance and sing happily in the market-place2 and hence he argued--comically enough--that the money spent on the stage reproduction of their happiness should be spent in really promoting their happiness4 ,with my ,italian peasants ,i feel the opposite3 that such excellent picturesque effects should not be wasted on mere reality1 but should be turned to real use upon the stage4 ,so1 too1 it is difficult to take a roadside beggar seriously2 he seems to ask1 not for alms1 but for a frame4 ,happy the unlettered and the inartistic1 to whom even the picturesque person is a person1 who can think of olive oil when he sees the olive-trees weaving their graceful patterns above the stone walls1 and can watch the sun set in lurid splendour behind the purple mountains with never a thought of ,turner or ,childe ,harold6 ,for modern civilised beings1 in incessant relations with the reflections of life through literature and art1 it is difficult to receive any impressions which do not re-reflect what lies in the mirror of art4 ,and here is an amusing side-issue4 ,we are presented in plays and books1 with numerous situations in which the ignorance of one of the parties is a necessary factor in the particular dramatic situation which it is sought to evolve4 ,but as this person1 ex hypothesi1 belongs to the class of society which is familiar with this particular plot ad nauseam1 is it possible that he or she should go on betraying the same ignorance on which the plot originally was based8 ,even ,marguerite has seen ,faust nowadays6 ,this suggests an objection to old plots quite apart from their oldness1 for that which started by being probable becomes improbable by age4 ,even if it were ever possible for a man to be jealous of a woman because he saw her kissing a man whom1 after long and weary years of superfluous separation1 he discovered to be her brother1 it should surely be impossible to-day4 ,if ,i saw any man kissing my fiance ,i should know at once it was my future brother-in-law--or at any rate ,i should inquire--which the old hero never seemed to do4 ,and yet ,i will wager that in the course of this year at least a dozen novels and plays will be built up upon this theme4 ,it is1 by the way1 a noticeable characteristic of people in plays never to have read nor to be interested in any but the petty dramatic matter which is interesting them--and let us hope the audience--at the moment4 ,it may be replied that the economy of the stage demands that everything that is not strictly essential should be eliminated2 but yet it ought to be possible1 by a few words1 to give the idea that the figures upon the boards are doing more than moving to the strings of the playwright4 ,just so the painter of the gulf should suggest the ocean beyond2 the painter of the landscape1 the infinity of space and atmosphere in which it is enisled4 ,what the plein air school contended for in painting is no less requisite in literature4 ,this consideration seems to account for the uneasy sense of unreality which we feel in the modern machine-made ,sardou play1 in which the characters have the air of existing entirely to themselves1 and for the sake of the particular play1 and do not give that large sense of being part of the civilised humanity we know that reads and thinks4 ,the men make love or profess hate1 repudiate their wives1 or cut off their sons with shillings1 all with the air of its happening for the first time1 and wholly devoid of that sense of the ridiculous which they could not help feeling if they had been accustomed themselves to read novels and sit in stalls4 ,it is1 in fact1 impossible for us moderns1 educated in a long literary tradition1 to live our lives as naturally and navely as the unlettered of to-day1 or the people of the preliterary geological epoch4 ,this is brought out ostensively1 as ,bacon would say1 in ,don ,quixote1 or in the ,russian novel ,a ,simple ,story--apparently so called because it is so complex--in which ,gontcharov's hero lives in what ,alice might call behind the looking-glass of literature4 ,he is a country boy who comes up to ,st4 ,petersburg1 and after a course of ,russian novels is transformed into a series of imitations of their heroes4 ,he does nothing1 feels nothing1 thinks nothing except after the pattern of these creatures of the quill4 ,well6 we are all like that1 more or less4 ,though we may not be as chivalrously inspired as the ,knight of ,la ,mancha1 nor run to the extremes of the simple ,russian1 we are all to some extent remoulded in imitation of the ,booklanders1 and this is the truth in the decadent paradox that nature copies art4 ,there is a drop of ink in the blood of the most natural of us2 we are all hybrids1 crossed with literature1 and ,shakespeare is as much the author of our being as either of our parents4 ,the effect of the stage in regulating the poses and costumes of susceptible souls has not escaped notice2 but the effect of novels and poetry is more insidious4 ,who ever shuddered with bitter alliterative kisses before ,swinburne1 and who has failed to do so since8 ,what poor little cockney clerk in his first spasms of poetry but has felt1 sitting by his girl in the music hall1 that if she walked over the grave in which he was planted1 his dust would hear her and beat1 had he lain for a century dead 7though how ,maud could survive her lover for a century1 ,tennyson failed to explain78 ,per contra1 the ingenuous spinster taking her notions of love from ,maupassant's ,bel-,ami1 or ,gabriele d',annunzio's ,trionfo della ,morte1 becomes a man-hater4 ,yes1 ,i fear that the artistic treatment of life has a good deal to answer for4 ,people do not yet understand that the mirror of art does not reflect life unrefracted4 ,the great eternal theme of art is love-making2 but even artists have to give up some time to art-making4 ,but to wind up anent our murderer4 ,he is still at large4 ,the police have given up the chase in despair4 ,but he has never left the village1 and we villagers all wink at one another as we discuss his whereabouts2 and when we meet him driving his cart or come across him cutting wood in the forest and he genially gives us ,buon' giorno we salute him with answering politeness4 ,only in the village band there is a temporary trumpeter1 for even the police might hear of him if he performed in public loudly enough4 ,but ,italian justice1 though it does really savour of comic opera1 is not so farcical as it appears on the surface4 ,it is an unwritten law that the police shall not pigliare him till the sessions are nigh4 ,he is on parole1 so to speak1 to come up when called upon2 if he were really to take flight1 he would be declared an outlaw1 and the only reason the police cannot find him is that they know where he is4 ,how sensible6 ,why board and lodge him gratis for weeks8 ,he has outraged the community3 shall the community reward him with free meals8 ,even when he is caught he will be treated with the same economy4 ,capital punishment there is none in ,italy4 ,why waste a citizen and a tax-payer8 ,especially when one has already been destroyed6 ,no1 he will be sentenced to a term of imprisonment4 ,but he will not serve it4 ,he will escape1 or it will be commuted4 ,and while he is in gaol he will have a good time4 ,he will smoke and play cards1 or1 leaning out of his dungeon casement1 hold a levee of his friends4 ,recently the soldiers at ,bergamo mutinied because they were supplied with worse bread than the denizens of the gaol4 ,i trust the ringleaders were sent to prison so as to remedy this dietary injustice4 ,please do me the justice to remark that ,i have been in ,italy for several paragraphs without once referring to the ,old ,masters4 ,but the fact is that ,i have not been much at the ,masked ,balls4 ,does this saying seem cryptic8 ,all it means is that the confusion into which our scientific century has thrown us is worse confounded than usual in the universe of pictures2 that the ,galleries appear to be made up of pictures masquerading under wrong names4 ,time was when one might go about comfortably with a ,baedeker and a stock of admiration and distribute it as per instructions4 ,but these good old times are over4 ,the ,old ,masters of yesterday are the young apprentices of to-day4 ,it is pitiable to think how many well-meaning enthusiasts have fallen victims to the careless or crafty curator4 ,sometimes it scarcely needs a connoisseur to suspect the good faith of catalogues4 ,i1 myself1 a mere babe and suckling1 came to the conclusion1 after a visit to the ,velasquez ,exhibition in ,london1 that ,velasquez must have been very versatile4 ,it is too bad that artists should be hanged for crimes they never committed4 ',t is to be hoped their ghosts carefully avoid the ,galleries4 ,but beshrew your paintings6 ,my eyes make pictures--not like ,coleridge's when they're shut1 but when they 're open4 ,who would not rather lie with me in the podere in the shade of the cypress trees1 under the blue1 blue sky1 and behold through a tangle of olive-boughs the marvellous ,dome of ,florence1 as satisfying as the sea1 or under a starry heaven the loveliest of cities glittering like a rival firmament with answering constellations8 ,and yet ,i recant4 ,for if there is one piece of art which is better than nature1 't is ,botticelli's so-called ,spring1 which1 long misprised and now worm-riddled1 adds the last magic to the wonderful flower-city4 ,to her that hath shall be given4 ,,glasgow ,and what do you think of ,glasgow8 said the pretty lady interviewer--,i have the right to say she was pretty because she said in print that ,i wasn't4 ,i replied that of course ,glasgow wasn't pretty but--and here would have followed an amiable dissertation upon the municipal superiority of ,glasgow4 ,but1 hastily interrupted the lady interviewer1 have you seen the fine vista of ,st4 ,vincent ,street1 the ,great ,western ,road1 the finest thoroughfare in ,europe1 the charming residential districts of ,pollokshields ,west and ,dowanhill1 the wide view from the ,south ,side ,park or picturesque ,camphill8 ,i tried to edge in an abashed ,no1 for a monosyllable is the most one can hope to secure of the conversation in an interview2 but the pretty lady interviewer went on reproachfully3 ,have you seen that stately hill of the dead1 the ,necropolis1 from ,cathedral ,square8 ,it is itself a quaint and beautiful medley of architecture past and present4 ,have you seen beautiful ,kelvingrove1 through which flows the classic ,kelvin8 ,in many world-famous cities have ,i been and yet seen nothing more beautiful than the view on one side of ,partick ,bridge4 ,i apologised to ,glasgow1 inwardly confounding the eminent ,scotch littrateur who had assured me that ,glasgow was the most loathsome den north of ,tweed1 almost the only such den1--his malison upon ,glasgow6 ,but although ,i feel personally nothing but gratitude to ,glasgow and its noisy ,university students1 ,i cannot honestly award it the apple for beauty4 ,after all it is the centre of the town that one naturally gravitates to1 and no charm of suburbs can remove the general impression of commercial dinginess4 ,no1 ,glasgow must be content with its wealth and its public spirit4 ,if it does not stir the imagination like ,edinburgh1 it satisfies the brain and the heart1 for it is grappling manfully with many social problems1 with the opening of parks and hospitals1 and especially with the housing of the poor1 and is developing an artistic conscience to boot4 ,it owns its gas and water1 and ,i had the felicity of meeting the ,lord ,provost at the very moment when1 his glittering insignia heaving with emotion on his joyous breast1 he had to announce to the ,town ,council that the fiercely-canvassed step of taking over the tramways had resulted in a balance to the good4 ,when the ,lord ,provost had returned to his chair1 ,i was shown the ,councillors themselves at their mahogany tables1 in their beautiful ,council-chamber1 and ,i made notes--not of the debate1 as the lynx-eyed reporter1 who counted the number of times ,i sucked my pencil1 imagined--but of the improved appearance of ,george ,square under snow4 ,seen through the windows the square stretched away pure and beautiful the gloomy statues blanched and ,prince ,albert's horse gleaming proudly with white trappings4 ,the ,municipal ,buildings deserve all the praise they have received4 ,the special staircase1 which is used only on state occasions1 presents from point to point a marvellously proportioned medley of arches and pillars and arcades1 with a dominant ,corinthian note4 ,it is really frozen music4 ,and when adorned with tropical plants and lit up with electric lights and pretty faces1 it must indeed be a superb sight4 ,very imposing1 too1 is the vast ,banqueting ,hall1 from whose platform1 to test the acoustic effect of the rows of wires stretched six inches apart under the ceiling to break the sound1 ,i addressed vacancy4 ,the panels of this hall still await their artists4 ',t is a rare opportunity for ,glasgow to emulate the ,parisian ,pantheon2 and1 indeed1 there is so much art-work to be done in ,glasgow that one begins to understand why it is threatening to become the capital of ,british ,art4 ,the best road in ,scotland is no longer that which leads to ,england4 ,it was curious for a humble author to walk these stately halls1 convoyed by courteous officers in red swallow-tails1 and to rub shoulders with civic millionaires4 ,an awesome air of wealth hung over the men and the place1 a crushing suggestion of vast enterprises1 of engineering and railway building and the running of steamers1 a subtle aroma of colossal fortunes1 wrested from the world by the leverage of an initial half-crown4 ,i have often gone to places with only half a crown in my pocket1 but it never seemed to lead to anything4 ,so ,i surveyed these men with blended reverence and bewilderment1 wondering why they bothered themselves to make all that money1 and whether they ever suspected they were but tools in the hands of destiny1 by whose marvellous alchemy the self-centred ambition of the individual is transmuted to the service of the world4 ,the genial ,bailie ,simons1 who was my host--fancy living in daily contact with a ,bailie6--informed me that the grave city fathers are sadly degenerating4 ,thirty years ago they did not smoke in public3 now there is a smoking-room in the sacred building itself2 and at least one of them has been seen to leave it in a white hat4 ,like the king's daughter1 ,glasgow is all glorious within1 and its inner artistic aspirations make up for and are perhaps inversely inspired by its outer unloveliness4 ,the world must not judge ,glasgow's taste by the recent ,puritanic rumpus over the nude4 ,the worthy ,bailies and the ,chief ,constable who drew the line at ,leighton and ,solomon have overlooked the interesting nudities in their own ,galleries4 ,the affinity of the ,scotch and the ,french1 which has often been noted in history1 and which accounts for their swamping the ,english in literature1 has made ,style the watchword of the ,glasgow ,school of ,art4 ,whistler's ,carlyle hangs in the ,corporation ,galleries1 and it was the stylist1 ,lavery1 who secured the tedious commission to commemorate ,her ,majesty's opening of the ,glasgow ,exhibition by the usual plethora of portraits4 ,it would have made a more interesting picture had ,mr4 ,lavery perpetuated the fact--so pregnant a contribution to the philosophy of ,exhibitions--that a profit of #aj1jjj was derived from the switchbacks4 ,the picture would then have made a nice supplement to ,mr4 ,lavery's famous studies of ,croquet and ,tennis4 ,the very slabs of the ,corporation staircase are infected with ,impressionism1 and their natural veinings body forth1 here a charge of cavalry1 there a march of infantry1 and yonder a portrait of ,sir ,william ,vernon ,harcourt with a prophetic coronet4 ,the stones of ,glasgow await their ,ruskin4 ,the ,exhibition which ,i saw at the ,glasgow ,institute of ,fine ,arts was far more interesting than the last ,academy1 though it contained some of the same pictures4 ,i was able to tell the ,scotch artists an anecdote which no one had heard before1 for the simple reason that it was true1 and that it happened to me4 ,it was in ,perth that1 puzzling over a grimy statue1 ,i was accosted by a bare-footed newsboy with his raucous cry of ,hair-r-ald1 ,glasgow ,hair-r-ald6 ,i'll take one1 quoth ,i1 if you'll tell me whose statue that is4 ',t is ,rabbie ,burns replied he1 on the nail4 ,thank you1 said ,i1 taking the paper4 ,and what did he do1 to deserve the statue8 ,my newsboy scratched his head4 ,perceiving his embarrassment1 a party of his friends down the street called out in stentorian chorus3 ,ay1 't is ,babbie ,burns4 ,but what did he do to deserve the statue8 ,i thundered back4 ,they hung their heads4 ,at last my newsboy recovered himself2 his face brightened4 ,well8 said ,i again1 what did he do to deserve this statue8 ,he deed6 answered the intelligent little man4 ,another newsboy1 whom ,i asked if he had ever read ,sir ,walter ,scott1 replied1 ,no1 he is ower dreich 7over dry74 ,talking of statues1 ,i see that ,paisley is going to erect a full-sized figure of the late ,thomas ,coats1 with a bronze high hat under his bronze arm4 ,the history of the ,corporation ,art ,galleries is curious4 ,the nucleus of the collection is the bequest of a coach-builder1 who seems to have had a ,glaswegian ,renaissance all to himself1 for it was years after his death before his legacy was routed out from the lumber-rooms to which it had been consigned1 and ere its many genuine treasures were catalogued by ,mr4 ,james ,paton1 the learned curator1 whose magic-lantern exhibit the other day of the coach-building connoisseur's face was the first display of his lineaments to an ungrateful posterity4 ,the ,galleries now claim to contain so many ,old ,masters that no connoisseur is complete without a knowledge of them4 ,except ,velasquez1 there is scarcely one of the great painters who is not represented here1 even including ,giorgione1 of whom1 parodying ,hegel's remark about the one disciple who understood him 7and he doesn't understand me671 it may be said that there are only two genuine specimens of him in the world1 and that both of these are by his pupils4 ,what ,mary ,logan would say to these ,rembrandts and ,rubenses ,i know not2 but there is much of indisputable value in this collection1 to say nothing of ,flaxman's masterpiece--the statue of ,pitt1--or the recent accessions1 such as the ,whistler1 or ,david ,murray's ,fir ,faggots1 or the bust of ,victor ,hugo by ,rodin4 ,pictorially the hill of the dead was the most interesting part of ,glasgow ,i saw--a scene which1 especially in its simple severe ,protestant draping of snow1 might well tempt the artist4 ,at its summit ,john ,knox looks down upon the ,cathedral1 whose altars and images were broken during the ,reformation1 and whose new stained windows 7made in ,germany7 testify by their preference for ,old ,testament subjects to the latent ,puritanism of ,caledonia4 ,especially interesting is the crypt1 with its sepulchral church1 whose subterranean service is recorded in ,rob ,roy4 ,one of the pillars of the crypt proper is called the ,rob ,roy pillar1 for behind it the great outlaw is supposed to have hidden4 ,near it is the shrine of ,st4 ,mungo1 patron saint of ,glasgow1 who has presumably risen in the hierarchy now that ,glasgow has been made a county4 ,facing the shrine is a window decorated with a portrait of ,edward ,irving1 clothed as ,st4 ,john the ,baptist4 ,the cicerone said it was greatly admired because the eyes followed you about wherever you walked4 ,this is not the first time ,i have been asked to admire as supreme art what is really one of the commonest of optical delusions4 ,after the ,cathedral had closed1 it had to be reopened because ,i had lost a glove within4 ,after a careful search the glove was found in the gloomy crypt1 pointing its finger at this miraculous picture1 unable to tear itself away4 ,but perhaps the most characteristic thing ,i came across in ,glasgow was an inscription at the end of the bridge leading to the picturesque cemetery4 ,the adjoining bridge was erected by the ,merchants' ,house of ,glasgow to afford a proper entrance to their new cemetery1 combining convenient access to the grounds with suitable decoration to the venerable ,cathedral and surrounding scenery1 to unite the tombs of many generations who have gone before with the resting-places destined for generations yet unborn1 where the ashes of all shall repose until the rising of the just1 when that which is born a natural body shall be raised a spiritual body1 when this corruptible must put on incorruption1 when this mortal must put on immortality1 when death is swallowed up in victory4 ,there you have ,glasgow6 ,an auctioneer's advertisement blent with an edifying sermon1 a happy combination of commerce and ,christianity1 making the best of this world and the next4 ,i left ,glasgow in a choking yellow fog4 ,five minutes from the city the train steamed into bright sunshine1 which continued till five minutes from ,london1 where a sisterly yellow fog was waiting4 ,as ,tennyson sings1 ,i had gone from the night to the night4 ,,haslemere ,i am up a ,b tree4 ,every schoolboy knows 7that is1 of course1 every ,buddhistic schoolboy7 that when the ,buddha made the great renunciation1 he attained ,nirvana by sitting under a ,b tree4 ,my ,b tree is a great oak in the heart of the woods1 mounted by a dizzy spiral staircase1 at the summit of which you enter ,nirvana by means of the ,house on the ,garden1 a glass-house floored with boards and furnished with rustic chairs1 a lounge and a writing-table2 and here1 amid the tree-tops1 ,i write to the music of thrush and blackbird1 with restful glances at the sailing clouds or at the sunny weald1 that circles for miles around and ends to the south in the downs that hide the ,english ,channel4 ,perhaps it is because my landscape takes in ,tennyson's happy ,haslemere home that my thought runs so much on him to-day1 and then runs back to a cold stone staircase up which ,i toiled in pitchy blackness to see a great ,french poet4 ,taine1 who preferred ,alfred de ,musset to ,tennyson1 made of a contrast between the two men the most telling pages in his history of our literature1 setting in graphic antithesis the dust and flare and fever of the ,boulevards against the ,english home1 gray twilight poured ,on dewy pastures1 dewy trees1 ,softer than sleep1--all things in order stored1 ,a haunt of ancient peace1 where the ,english ,laureate brooded over his chiselled verses4 ,how much more piquant a contrast might be drawn between the jealously-guarded castle in which ,tennyson entrenched himself and the accessible garret in the ,rue ,st4 ,jacques where ,verlaine held his court in absolute bonhomie and dshabille4 ,but1 alas6 there is no ,nirvana on my ,b ,tree--at least1 not to-day4 ,the blatancy of a brass band bursts forth on the breeze4 ,a popular waltz silences the cuckoos4 ,i climb down my spiral staircase and hasten across the wood to discover what these strange sounds portend4 ,in front of the creeper-clad house ,i come upon a scene of comic opera4 ,this is the village fte day1 and here are the festive villagers come to pay allegiance to the lord of the manor4 ,the majority are ,foresters1 and wear green sashes1 and carry banners like to the pictorial pocket-handkerchiefs of ,brobdingnag4 ,the music gives over1 and my host addresses them from between the roses of his porch1 and they laugh at his genial jokes with the unanimity of the footlights4 ,there are tiny tots and old women in the background1 and yonder is the ,village ,beauty--a ripe maid1 i' faith1 and a comely4 ,there are other girls in her train2 but1 oddsbobs6 what have they done with their tights8 and why do they delay to announce her approaching marriage in merry melodic chorus8 ,but ,i conceal my surprise and1 as the cynical ,man from ,town 7gadzooks671 ogle the ,pride of the ,village1 to the disgust of her rural swain1 who has started blowing the trombone and dare not desist1 though his cheeks get redder and more explosive each instant4 ,in the next ,act we all go down to the annual dinner1 in a long rose-wreathed tent1 and the ,parson says grace and the ,parson's ,clerk ,amen1 and the ,squire 7in corduroy knickerbockers and leggings7 bestows his benediction on all the village1 while without1 the happy peasants project sticks at cocoanuts or try their strength with mallets1 and all is virtuous and feudal4 ,in the third ,act we are in the ,vicarage ,garden--a beautiful set1 with real rhododendrons4 ,sir ,roger de ,coverley takes tea i'fackins with the ,parson1 and the ,stalwart ,farmer passes the sugar to the ,man from ,town1 who is gazing out wistfully towards the ,village ,green1 where the ,village ,beauty foots it featly with the ,village ,idiot4 ,the last ,act passes in the ,drawing-,boom of ,b tree ,house1 where the ,archdeacon's ,daughter touches her tinkling guitar and warbles a plaintive ballad3-- ,o give my love to ,nancy1 ,the girl that ,i adore-- ,tell her that she'll never see ,her soldier any more-- ,tell her ,i died in battle ,fighting with the black1 ,every inch a soldier1 ,beneath the ,union ,jack4 ,dear nave old song1 fitting climax of a feudal day1 sweet with the freshness of those simple times1 when art for art's sake was a shibboleth uninvented1 and every other man was not diabolically clever6 ,how many mothers and sisters wept over thy primitive pathos1 as they knitted the ,berlin wool-work6 how many masculine hearts throbbed more manfully at the appeal of thy crude patriotism6 ,to-day we analyse ruthlessly thy metre1 proclaiming it the butterwoman's rank to market1 and thy sentiment1 which we dub pinchbeck1 and we remember that the ,union ,jack is used only in the ,navy2 we are deaf to thy inspiration and dumb at thy chorus2 we are sceptical as to thy soldier's love3 ,nancy1 we know from realistic poets of the ,barrack ,room1 took up with another young man before her month was out2 and as for the black1 he is the object of our devoutest solicitude4 ,go to6 thou art surely a ,gilbertian travesty1 a deliciously droll compound of vulgar patriotism and maudlin pathos4 ,and yet somehow there are tears on the smiling cheeks of the ,man from ,town4 ,let us go out and hear the nightingales and be sentimental under the moon4 ,hark how they precipitate their notes in a fine lyric rapture4 ,this is the same ,jug1 ,jug1 ,jug1 that called forth ,keats' immortal ode4 ,we cannot hear the birds' music for itself2 it comes to us through melodious chimes of poetry4 ,nature has been so filtered through human emotion1 so passed and repassed through the alembic of poetic passion1 that she has ceased to be natural4 ,little children and fools1 on whom1 according to the ,talmud1 the gift of prophecy devolved when the ,temples fell1 may still see her naked1 but for the lettered man she is draped in lyric conventions4 ,there is anthropomorphism in literature as well as in theology3 for ,george ,eliot ,nature is steeped in humanity2 she cannot see anything for itself4 ,our delight in the sunshine on the deep-bladed grass to-day might be no more than the faint perception of wearied souls1 if it were not for the sunshine and the grass in the far-off years which still live in us and transform our perception into love4 ,i wonder if she ever wrote a pure description of scenery without psychological or mythological allusions4 ,to a soul saturated with literary prepossessions1 nightingales1 like love and most things human1 are apt to disappoint and disenchant4 ,heard melodies are sweet1 but those unheard ,are sweeter4 ,the cultured ,american1 who has no nightingales at home--not even big ones--and who arranges to hear an ,english nightingale between a performance at ,ober-,ammergau and an exploration of the ,catacombs of ,paris1 often wants his money back after the songster on yon bloomy spray has warbled at eve when all the woods are still4 ,he has been expecting something like a song of ,patti accompanied on the piano by ,paderewski4 ,it was an ,american poetess--,mrs4 ,piatt--who informed the skylark3 ,the song thou sang'st to ,shelley was not half ,so sweet as that which ,shelley sang to thee6 ,after all1 birds repeat themselves sadly--they strike one note1 like a minor poet1 and live on the reputation of their first success4 ,it is amusing for a few minutes to hear a clever bird giving imitations of the cuckoo clock1 but the joke palls4 ,the ,archdeacon's ,daughter has a wider repertoire4 ,and so8 though the nightingales are still singing1 conversation springs up in the copse as if it were a drawing-room and the singers human4 ,my host discourses of the litter of pigs just arrived from the ,great ,nowhere1 and dilates upon the fact that of the #c1dbc1hjg pigs in ,england no two tails are curled alike4 ,perhaps even so no two nightingales curl their phrase identically1 and one roulade differeth from another in glory4 ,,paris ,decidedly the ,parisian atmosphere is charged with artistic electricity4 ,the play1 the novel and the picture flourish on the same stem1 and the very advertisement posters tell their lies artistically4 ,paris is the metropolis of ideas4 ,you may catch them there and set up as a prophet on the strength of a fortnight's holiday4 ,maeterlinck says he learnt all he knows from a man he met in a brasserie4 ,fancy picking up ideas in a pothouse6 ,in ,london you could only pick up h's4 ,the reverse of the medal is the morbidity that ideas and brasseries engender4 ,in the cafs of the ,boule ,miehe1 where the decadent movements are hatched and the fledgling ,verlaines come to drown theusorrows in vermouth1 you may see the lacklustre visages and tumbled hair of diabolical poets and the world-weary figures of end-of-the-century youngsters pledging their mistresses in ,american grog4 ,but the great heart of the ,people1 that beats still to the homely old music1 and you shall find no trace of morbidity in the melodramas of the ,porte-,st4-,martin or the music-halls of the people's quarter4 ,to-day is the ,gingerbread ,fair--,la ,foire au ,pain d'pices2 and ,tout ,paris--that is to say1 everybody who isn't anybody--is elbowing its way towards the centre of gaiety4 ,tramcars deposit their packed freights near the ,bastile991 and where the women of the ,revolution knitted1 feeding their eyes on blood1 bonnetless old crones sit drinking red wine in the sun4 ,the sky is radiantly blue1 and there is a music of merry-go-rounds4 ,they are far more elegant than our ,english merry-go-rounds1 these carrousels1 hung with tapestry1 and offering you circumambient palanquins or even elephants4 ,before a toy stage1 on which a mechanical skirt-dancer disports herself with a tireless smile1 an automatic chef-d'orchestre conducts the revolutionary march 7none other than ,ta-ra-ra-,boom-de-ay7 while grotesque figures strike stiffly at bells4 ,on the pavement an old man has spread for sale a litter of broken dolls1 blind1 halt and lame1 when not decapitated2 and in the roadway the festive crowd splits to allow the passage of a child's coffin covered with white flowers4 ,the air thrills with the ping of unsuccessful shots3 ,i take a gun1 and by aiming at a ball dancing on a fountain jet1 hit a bull's-eye two yards to the left4 ,i throw flat rings at a sort of ninepins1 five shots for a halfpenny3 the first four leave the pins stolid and the public derisive4 ,i throw the last at random1 bring down half the pins1 and stalk off3 nonchalantly1 the pet of the fickle ,french populace4 ,i buy pancakes fried on the stall while you wait--they are selling like hot cakes--and but for the difficulty of finding one with my name picked out in pink on the gingerbread1 ,i would buy a pig and hang it on my breast4 ,some of the pigs have mottoes instead of names3 ,de toute la cration ,c'est moi le plus cochon4 99 ,transcriber's note3 ,so in original4 ,another asserts3 ,de la tte la queue ,je suis dlicieux4 ,i ignore the pigs1 but ,i pacify local prejudice by buying two gingerbread sailors--a ,russian and a ,french--shaking hands in symbolisation of the ,russo-,french alliance1 and ,i further prove myself a patriot by throwing bright wooden balls into the mouth of a great-faced ,german1 for which ,i receive the guerdon of a paper rose and a ,berlin wool monkey4 ,i purchase a ticket from a clown standing on a platform begirt by noisy cages1 and partake in a raffle for a live turkey2 but fortunately ,i am spared the task of carrying it through the ,fair1 and not wishing to tempt ,providence again1 ,i content myself with trying for soap4 ,a pack of cards is spread round a wheel with an index3 round goes the wheel1 and whoever has the card at which the index stops gets an orange1 or if he likes to save up his oranges exchanges them for a box of soap4 ,you get four cards for two sous1 but ,i take all the pack4 ,round goes the wheel imperturbably4 ,it stops4 ,amid the breathless anxiety of the crowd ,i examine my cards1 and invariably find myself the fortunate possessor of the winning one4 ,but1 by some mysterious arithmetic1 which amuses the crowd1 every time ,i win ,i have to pay several sous4 ,by such roundabout methods ,i ultimately arrive at the soap4 ,i have my portrait taken1 allured by the only a franc4 ,my image has a degenerate air2 the photographer informs me it will not stay unless he fixes it with enamel--which will be another franc4 ,by the time it is framed it has come up to six francs1 and then1 as ,i leave1 the attendant begs ,i will remember him6 ,i give him the photograph1 and depart1 hoping he will remember me4 ,at the ,place de la ,nation the fun grows thicker3 there is a rain of confetti1 and everybody comes out in coloured spots2 the switchback is busy1 chairs mount and descend on ropes1 and there is a bunch of balloons2 on a platform outside a booth a showman beats a drum1 the riding-master cracks his whip1 and ladies of uncertain ages and exuberant busts smile all day in evening dress2 in the neighbouring ,cirque the ,ball of the ,city of ,paris is whirling noisily4 ,yes1 life goes on in the old1 old way in the land of equality and brotherhood2 and the red fool-fury of the ,seine is but a froth on the surface4 ,the ,twilight of the ,peoples is the morbid vision of a myopic seer4 ,with which reflection we will leave ,sanity ,fair4 ,as ,i write there is an appalling1 long-drawn crash1 which brings the whole ,quarter to its doors and windows4 ,bombs are in everybody's mouth1 and ,i find myself automatically repeating a sentence out of the ,latin exercise-book of my boyhood3 ,how comes it that thunder is sometimes heard when the sky is clear8 ,i irrelevantly remember that sometimes must be translated not never4 ,in the streets little groups are gathered1 gesticulating and surmising4 ,some say ,the ,panthon1 others ,the ,luxembourg2 others trust it is only a gas explosion4 ,i shock my group by hoping it is a bomb1 so that ,i may say ,i have heard it go off4 ,but ,i know nothing till ,i read ,paris ,day by ,day next evening in ,the ,daily ,telegraph1 and find that my ambition has been gratified1 and that the chief victim of the explosion is a ,decadent ,poet4 ,has any one been taking seriously ,nordau's cry for the extinction of the ,degenerates8 ,the dead have their day in ,france1 but it was not le jour des morts when ,i bethought myself of visiting the grave of ,maupassant4 ,i do not care for these crowded at homes1--,i prefer to pay my respects in solitude4 ,you will not think this remark flippant if you are familiar with ,french cemeteries1 if you know those great family sepulchres1 fitted up as little chapels1 through whose doors1 crowned with the black cross1 you may see the great wax tapers in the candelabra at the altar1 the stained-glass windows with the figure of the ,madonna and ,child1 the eikons of ,christ1 the praying-stools1 the vases1 the busts or photographs of the deceased--worthy people who not only thought life worth living but death worth dying1 and did the one and the other respectably and becomingly4 ,maupassant lies in one art-quarter of ,paris1 just as ,heinrich ,heine lies in the other4 ,the cemetery is off the ,boulevard ,raspail1 within bow-shot of the ateliers of ,whistler and ,bouguereau1 overlooked by an imposing statue of ,m4 ,raspail which sets forth that scientific citizen's many virtues and services4 ,he proclaimed ,universal ,franchise in #ahcj1 he proclaimed the ,republic in #ahdh1 and his pedestal now proclaims with equal cocksureness that science is the only religion of the future4 ,give me a cell and ,i will build you up all organised life1 cries the statue1 and its stony hand seems to wave theatrically as in emulation of the bas-reliefs on its base representing ,raspail animating his camarades to victory4 ,but alas6 tout passe1 tout casse1 tout lasse1 and not all the residents of the ,boulevard are aware of the origin of their address4 ,chateaubriand survives as a steak and ,raspail as a ,boulevard4 ,the cemetery ,montparnasse is densely populated1 and ,i wandered long without finding the author of ,boule de ,suif4 ,it was a wilderness of artificial flowers1 great wreaths made of beads4 ,beads1 beads1 beads1 black or lavender1 and even white and yellow1 blooming garishly in all sizes on every grave and stone1 in strange theatrical sentimentality2 complex products of civilisation1 making death as unnatural as the feverish life of the ,boulevards4 ,sometimes the beaded flowers were protected by glass shades1 sometimes they were supplemented by leaden or marble images4 ,over one grave ,i found a little porcelain angel1 his wings blue as with the cold2 and under him last year's angel in melancholy supersession4 ,elsewhere1 most terrible sight of all in this ghastly place1 was a white porcelain urn on which were painted a woman's and a man's hand clasped1 the graceful feminine fingers in artistic contrast with the scrupulously-cuffed male wrist with the motto1 mon mari1 ,regrets ternels4 ,wondering how soon she remarried1 ,i roved gloomily among these arcades of bourgeois beads1 these fadeless flowers1 these monstrous ever-blacks1 relieved to find a touch of humour1 as in a colossal wreath ostentatiously inscribed ma belle-mre4 ,i peeped into the great family tombs1 irresistibly reminded of ,lo1 the poor ,indian1 and the tribes who provision their dead2 ,i wondered if the old ghosts ever turn in their graves 7as there is plenty of room for them to do7 when some daughter of their house makes an imprudent alliance4 ,do they hold family councils in the chapel1 ,i thought1 and lament the growing scepticism of their grandchildren8 ,do they sigh to see themselves so changed from the photographs in the family album that confronts their hollow orbits8 ,do they take themselves as seriously in death as they did in life8 ,but they were all scornfully incommunicative4 ,and at last1 despairing of discovering the goal of my journeyings1 ,i inquired of a guardian in a peaked blue cap and a blue cloak1 who informed me that it was in the twenty-sixth section of the other cemetery4 ,wonderfully precise1 red-tape1 bureaucratic1 symmetrical people1 the ,french1 for all their superficial curvetings6 ,i repaired to the other portion of the cemetery1 to lose myself again among boundless black beads and endless chapels and funereal urns2 and at last ,i besought another blue-cloaked guardian to show me the grave of ,maupassant4 ,par ii1 he said nonchalantly3 and eschewing the gravel walks he took a short cut through a lane of dead maidens-- ,what's become of all the gold ,used to hang and brush their bosoms8-- and1 descending an avenue of estimable pres de famille1 turned the corner of an elegant sepulchre1 to which only the most fashionable ghosts could possibly have the entry4 ,dear1 dear1 what heart-burnings there must be among the more snobbish shadows of ,montparnasse6 ,my guide made me pause and admire1 and he likewise insisted on the tribute of my tear before an obelisk to slaughtered soldiers and a handsome memorial to burnt firemen4 ,but perceiving my impatience to arrive at the grave of ,maupassant1 ,mais1 monsieur1 he protested1 il n'y a rien d'extraordinaire4 ,vraiment6 said ,i1 c'est l l'extraordinaire4 ,rien du tout d'extraordinaire1 he repeated doggedly4 ,sauf le cadavre1 ,i retorted4 ,he shook his head1 ,trs pauvre la tombe1 he muttered3 pas du tout riche4 ,another guardian1 wall-eyed1 here joined him1 and catching the subject of conversation1 ,trs pauvre1 he corroborated compassionately4 ,but he went with us1 accompanied by a very lean young ,frenchman with a soft felt hat1 an over-long frock-coat1 tweed trowsers1 and a black alpaca umbrella4 ,he looked like a ,french translation of some character of ,dickens4 ,at last we arrived at the grave4 ,c'est l6 and both guardians shook their heads dolefully4 ,trs pauvre6 sighed one4 ,rien du tout--rien1 sighed the other4 ,and1 thank ,heaven1 they were right4 ,nothing but green turf and real flowers1 and a name and a date on a black cross--the first real grave ,i had come across4 ,no beads1 no tawdry images1 nothing but the dignity of death1 nothing but ,guy de ,maupassant1 #f ,juillet1 '#ic1 on the cross1 and ,guy de ,maupassant1 #ahej-ic1 at the foot4 ,the shrubs were few1 and the flowers were common and frost-bitten2 but in that desert of bourgeois beads1 the simple green grave stood out in touching sublimity4 ,the great novelist seemed to be as close to the reality of death as he had been to that of life4 ,those other dead seemed so falsely romanticist4 ,it was a beautiful sunny winter afternoon4 ,there was a feel of spring in the air1 of the ,resurrection and the ,life4 ,beyond the bare slim branches of the trees of the other cemetery1 gracefully etched against the sky1 the sun was setting in a beautiful bank of dusky clouds4 ,life was so alive that day1 and death so dead4 ,outside the tomb the poem of light and air1 and inside the tomb--what8 ,i thought of the last words of ,une ,vie1 that fine novel1 which even ,tolsto considers great1 of the old servant's summing up3 ,la vie1 voyez-vous1 a n'est jamais si bon ni si mauvais qu'on croit4 ,perhaps1 thought ,i1 't is the same with death4 ,the ,socit des ,gens de ,lettres had to buy the ground for him1 interrupted the wall-eyed guardian compassionately4 ,the ,dickensy ,frenchman heaved a great sigh4 ,vous croyez6 he said4 ,yes1 asseverated the other guardian--he has it in perpetuity4 ,ignorant of the customs of death1 ,i wondered if one's corpse were liable to eviction1 and whether the statute of limitations ought not to apply4 ,je pensais qu'il avait une certaine position1 observed the ,frenchman dubiously4 ,non1 replied the wall-eyed guardian1 shaking his head1 ,non1 il est mort sans le sou4 ,at the mention of coin ,i distributed pourboire4 ,the first guardian went away4 ,i lingered at the tomb1 alive now to its more sordid side4 ,only one row of bourgeois graves1 some occupied1 some still louer1 separated it from an unlovely waste piece of ground1 bounded by the gaunt brick wall of the fast-filling cemetery4 ,as ,i began to muse thereon1 ,i heard a cry1 and perceived my guardian peeping from round the corner of a distant tomb1 and beckoning me with imperative forefinger4 ,i wanted to stay2 ,i wanted to have ,meditations at the grave of ,maupassant1 to ponder on the irony of death1 to think of the brilliant novelist1 the lover of life1 cut off in his pride1 to lie amid perspectives of black and lavender beads4 ,but my guardian would not let me4 ,il n'y a rien voir1 he cried almost angrily1 and haled me off to see the real treasures of his cemetery4 ,in vain ,i persisted that ,i must not give him trouble1 that ,i could discover the beauties for myself4 ,o monsieur6 he said reproachfully4 ,fearing he might return my pourboire1 ,i followed him helplessly to inspect the pompous bead-covered tombs of the well-to-do1 shocking him by stopping to muse at the rude mound of an anonymous corpse1 remembered only by a little bunch of immortelles4 ,one of the fashionable sepulchres stood open1 and was being dusted by a man and a woman 7on a dust from dust principle1 apparently74 ,most of the dust seemed to be little beads4 ,my keeper exchanged a word with the cleaners1 and ,i profited by the occasion to escape4 ,i sneaked back to the grave of ,maupassant1 but ,i had barely achieved a single ,reflection1 when ,hol1 hol6 resounded in loud tones from afar4 ,i started guiltily1 but in a moment ,i realised that it was the cry of expulsion4 ,the sunset was fading1 and the gates were to be locked4 ,i hastened across the cemetery1 evading my guardian's face of reproach1 and in another few moments the paths were deserted1 the twilight had fallen1 and the dead were left alone with their beads4 ,,slapton ,,sands ,after all the world is a large place4 ,at the moment of writing ,i have never heard of ,home ,rule1 nor do ,i care two straws whether the ,house of ,lords is to be blown up on the fifth of ,november4 ,what moves my interest1 what stirs my soul1 what arouses the politician that lurks in the best of us1 is this question of the crab-pots4 ,shall the trawlers of ,brixham be allowed to slash at our cords and to send our wicker baskets adrift1 spoiling our marine harvests and making our larders barren against the winter8 ,they hover about our beautiful bay--these fiends in human shape1 with brown wings outspread--and wantonly lay waste our fishing-pots in their reckless course1 so that our crabs walk backwards into the sea4 ,we have had gentlefolks down from ,london about it1 men who argue and palaver1 and wear high hats and are said to have long bills1 and there is talk of a ,government cutter to protect us1 towed by red tape1 and the trawlers are to cast their nets farther asea4 ,but beware of believing what you read in the ,brixham papers1--we have no voice to represent us in the press1 and so these ,brixham organs spread falsehoods about us in every corner of the globe4 ,a pretty pretence1 forsooth1 that it is the steamers who plough up our crab-pots4 ,why1 from ,michaelmas to ,christmas1 when the trawlers are away1 not a single pot is disturbed from its station1 though the funnels smoke as usual in the eye of heaven4 ,no1 no1 ye hirelings of the press4 ,turn your mercenary quills elsewhere1 beslaver ,mr4 ,gladstone or belabour him1 arbitrate on the affairs of nations1 and throw your weighty influence into the scale of ,european politics4 ,but do not confuse the mind of the country on the question of crab-pots4 ,we do not get the ,brixham papers here1 but friends in ,london tell us that is what they say4 ,it is the same with the crabs--we have to order them from ,london4 ,all local products come vi ,london nowadays3 ,london is like a central ganglion1 through which all sensations must travel before being felt at the outside points where they were really incurred4 ,this is the case even with ,irish patriots3 they are made in ,ireland1 but if you want them you have to go to ,london clubs for them4 ,we have only had one funeral here since ,i came1 and then we got our material from ,london4 ,he had gone up to a ,london hospital--poor fellow6--and that was the end of him4 ,the village butcher it was1 who thus went the way of all flesh1 and all of us went to his funeral and wept1 for want of something else to do4 ,one cannot always be flippant1 even on a holiday4 ,fortunately the butcher left an aged father1 who announced his intention of carrying on the business1 so we dried our eyes and dined1 sure of the future4 ,we thought of the many creatures the deceased had killed--the ,juno-eyed oxen1 the tender lambs1 the peaceful pigs--and we did not see why we should be so sentimental over the human species4 ,we are all murderers1 and yet we are ready to gush over the first corpse that comes along4 ,how ,i envy the death-bed of a vegetarian6 ,we are not vegetarians here1 but at least we eschew the six-course dinner which so few travellers ever succeed in shaking off1 even in ,ultima ,thule4 ,the most of modern travelling is a sort of ,cook's ,tour4 ,everywhere the menu is before you1 everywhere waves the napkin1 like the flag of civilisation4 ,nowhere do we eat ourselves into the real life of the people2 everywhere the same monotonous variety of fare in kitchen-,french4 ,in the remotest ,orkneys1 in the caves of ,iona1 in the fjords of ,norway1 amid the crevasses of the ,alps1--'t is the same tale of entres and entremets4 ,when ,dr4 ,johnson made his tour in the ,highlands1 he was allowed to forget he was not taking a walk down ,fleet ,street4 ,he interviewed the chiefs in their fastnesses1 the cottagers in their crofts4 ,he broke rye-bread with the shepherd1 ate haggis and porridge with the peasant1 and drank a gill of whisky to see what makes a ,scotchman happy4 ,behind him he left his dish of tea1 and the pet pork that made the veins of his forehead swell with ecstasy4 ,but to-day the dinner-gong resounds where ,rob ,boy's bugle blared1 and you may sit behind your serviette ,where the sun his beacon red ,kindles on ,ben ,voirlich's head1 or where the monument of a ,gaelic poet broods above the heather4 ,the tyranny of the table-d'hte ceases not even at sea4 ,every ship bears these monster meals in its belly--from salami to pineapple--whether it walk the ,boreal waters1 or touch the ,happy ,isles of ,mid-,pacific1 or swelter in the ,red ,sea4 ,not all the majesties and terrors of naked nature can dock one hors d'oeuvre from the menu4 ,our stomachs we have always with us--the traveller's only real vade mecum4 ,we change our sky but not our stomach4 ,when ,nansen reaches the ,north ,pole1 he will1 ,i am sure1 be able to put up at the local hotel1 and have every luxury of the cosmopolitan cuisine except the ices1 which will probably have been all sent up to the ,london market4 ,it is this sort of thing that makes foreign travel merely an expensive delusion4 ,your common traveller never gets away from ,england1 fare he never so far4 ,his church1 his kitchen and his company are those he left behind him4 ,to get away from ,england one must go to ,devonshire or ,cornwall4 ,but even here1 amid the combes and the leys1 the crags and the quarries1 the modern hotel1 with its perfect sanitation and imperfect ,french1 is springing up with the rapidity of ,badraoulbadour's palace4 ,it spoils the primitiveness of the people1 and gives them ideas below their station4 ,they lose their simple manliness and take tips4 ,they corrupt their autochthonic customs1 and drink champagne cider4 ,the modern hotel is a upas-tree1 under whose boughs poetry withers4 ,one looks to see the ancient ballads lose their blood and brawn4 ,in time we may expect to find ,cornwall producing vers de socit4 ,as thus3-- ,and shall ,trelawney dine8 ,and shall ,trelawney dine8 ,then thrice ten thousand ,cornish men ,will order in the wine4 ,in the absence of six-course dinners and newspapers about ,home ,rule1 we have had to fall back upon literature4 ,we borrowed ,zola's latest--from the rector1--and read it simultaneously1 stealing it from one another4 ,even the dogs have devoured bits of it4 ,the poodle has taken in most1 being ,french4 ,she is an elegant1 tricksy creature1 ,miss ,plachecki by name1 but called--for short--,wopsy4 ,wopsy's back is arranged in beds like a ,dutch garden2 she has rosettes of black hair symmetrically disposed about her hind quarters1 and her tail is exactly like a mutton cutlet in its frill4 ,she belongs to the ,woman of the party4 ,chum belongs to the ,girl4 ,he is a bull-pup1 with a frightfully ferocious face1 but he never bites unless he wants to hurt you4 ,girl says she took him to a fashionable photographer's1 but the artist refused to pose him4 ,in vain she pointed out that ,chum was more paralysed than he2 that ,chum was trembling all over 7,i opine 't was at the sight of the actresses' portraits--the young dog674 ,the photographer steadfastly kept the apparatus between him and the animal1 telling ,girl a story about a man who owned a bull-dog with a bad memory4 ,the man1 coming home late1 and entering his sitting-room1 was met by an ominous growl in the darkness4 ,bull-dogs have little smell1 and so the man was not recognized4 ,he made a movement towards the mantelpiece1 where the matches were1 to strike a light and convince the dog of its mistake4 ,but unfortunately the dog guarded the mantelpiece1 and every move was answered by a ghastly growl4 ,more unfortunately still1 the man's bedroom was only approached through the sitting-room1 and its door was only approached through the dog4 ,so1 for want of a match1 the man passed the night like a ,peri at the gates of ,paradise4 ,at last ,girl posed ,chum1 herself1 her draperies constituting a nebulous background2 and the artist1 walking warily1 adjusted his instrument1 and the sun which shines alike on saints and bull-pups1 painted the squatter's portrait4 ,but1 alas6 a woeful disappointment was in store4 ,when the proofs arrived1 it was found that all that delightful uncouthness of visage which is ,chum's chief charm1 all that fascinating ferocity which makes him a thing of ugliness and a joy for ever1 had vanished--refined away1 idealised into a demureness as of domestic tabby1 a platitudinarian peacefulness--nay1 a sort of beauty6 ,the camera had been so accustomed to actresses that it could no longer work naturally4 ,,venice ,i am reading ,nietzsche and ,tolsto4 ,each tells me that the morality of the day is all wrong1 and that he has discovered the one true way of salvation4 ,life1 cries ,nietzsche1 strength1 sunshine1 beauty4 ,death1 cries ,tolsto1 abnegation1 pity1 holiness4 ',t is all as old as the hills1 and withal so simple that one wonders why ,nietzsche should have needed eleven volumes to say it in and ,tolsto endless pamphlets4 ,i never can understand the lengths to which some authors go in self-repetition4 ,half the books are written to prove that water is dry1 and the other half that it's wet4 ,if you would only stop and think just for one moment1 cries ,tolsto1 you would at once see what a ridiculous life you are leading and you would refuse to lead it any longer4 ,stop and think6 ,ay1 but 't is difficult thinking to-day4 ,it will be all over and done with so long--by the time you read this--that the ,triple ,alliance may be in three pieces2 but for the moment the complications of ,european politics alternately startle and depress my day with furious cannonades of honour from an ,italian gunboat and brazen dronings of national anthems from a ,german band4 ,for the young man whom ,tolsto has described as the most comic figure in ,europe1 coming to meet ,umberto ,i4 in ,venice1 inconsiderately stationed his yacht just outside my window2 and though he is gone at last1 ,gott sei ,dank1 the echoes of him still linger in irrelevant cannon-shots that send the pigeons scurrying in mad swoops2 while1 as if removed from the oppression of his presence1 the band of the ,hohenzollern plays ,london music-hall tunes all day long1 commencing1 significantly enough1 with ,oh1 ,mr4 ,porter1 what a funny man you are6 ,i never realised how international is our music-hall till ,i heard ,italians staggering home at midnight1 singing ,two lovely black eyes in choice ,venetian4 ,a beautiful yacht this ,hohenzollern1 as large as an ,atlantic liner3 ,i suppose an ,imperial yacht is like an ,imperial pint4 ',t was a great moment when it sailed in round a bend1 slow and serene--a glorious white vessel1 radiant with flags1 stately and majestic in its movement as a sonnet of ,milton1 and about it a black swarm of gondolas1 those of the noble families equipped with half a dozen gondoliers in green1 yellow1 or blue liveries1 and at the stern of each boat a trail of silk4 ,and the dense crowds huzzahed1 and the band played ,god ,save the ,queen1 only in ,german1 so that it meant1 ,heil dir im ,siegeskranz4 ,and after that came the ,italian national air1 which isn't an anthem1 but a quick march1 and so lacks dignity4 ,the ,wacht am ,rhein made a half-hearted effort to be present1 but in the night we had the ,emperor's own ,sang an ,aegir1 stuck in the middle of a ,wagner programme4 ,beyond this1 compliment could scarcely go4 ,this brazen air was the one jar on the poetry of a spectacle possible only in ,venice4 ,imagine it6 ,wagner played on a floating fairy-pagoda1 built as of gold flame1 and shot with green and red1 on the broad bosom of ,st4 ,mark's basin1 in the divine night1 the stars seen hanging diversely in free space1 not stuck like gold-headed nails in a dark ceiling2 and in the mystery of the darkness1 the domes and spires and palaces of ,venice1 and the dim creeping boats1 and the quivering reflections of the illuminated ,imperial vessel2 and across the narrow track of luminous water made by the ,pagoda--that glittered with a fantastic splendour as of ,aladdin and ,arabian nights--sudden gondolas gliding from darkness to darkness1 the beautiful curve of the prow sharply revealed1 the gondolier growing semi-transparent and quivering with light1 a strange half-demoniac figure bestriding his black bark4 ,and1 mingled with the music1 the hum of multitudes and the tramp of feet and the silence of the vast night4 ,all as ,nietzsche's poem on ,venice hath it--,gondeln1 ,lichter1 ,musik4 ,yes1 they play politics prettily on the ,grand ,canal--the finest street in ,europe4 ,does it matter much what is the game8 ,cannons and colour1 bands and decorations1 bread and circuses1 emperors uncovering to us1 beautiful queens waving dainty handkerchiefs--this is what lies behind the dry ,treaties of the history books4 ,a few short weeks back we had been very angry with our ,king1 and had talked of ,republics and what not4 ,but the dead men in ,abyssinia are dead1 and we are alive1 and the ,bengal fire on the palaces is really very picturesque4 ,if we would only stop and think--just for one moment6 ,but there's the rub4 ,it's no use stopping and thinking1 unless everybody else will stop and think at the same time4 ,for you cannot refuse to lead a life that everybody is leading1 unless you are willing to be crushed by the revolutions of the social machinery4 ,socialists1 for instance1 are often twitted with not behaving as sich4 ,but socialists say that socialism should be the law of the land3 they do not say that it is practicable for an odd man here and there to be a socialist in a world of individualists4 ,tolsto1 to be of effect1 would have to move all mankind at once to renounce its ways1 to abjure the lust of the eye and the pride of life4 ,and he would have to keep on moving it1 or back it would roll4 ,mazzini and the unification of ,italy--what words to conjure with6 ,but ,mazzini is dead1 and how much of ,italy is alive6 ',t is more like a great show-place1 supported by its visitors1 than a real1 live country4 ,stop and think6 ',t is perhaps better not to think1 for fear we should stop4 ,william ,,ii41 at any rate--he is not likely to stop and think4 ,this young man--from all ,i have observed since he became my neighbour--lives a highly coloured dramatic existence1 in which there are sixty minutes to every hour and sixty seconds to every minute1 the sort of life that should have pleased ,walter ,pater4 ,he must be a disciple of ,nietzsche1 a lover of the strong and the splendid1 this ,german gentleman who is just off to ,vienna to prance at the head of fifteen hundred horsemen4 ,while he lived opposite me1 it was all excursions and alarums4 ,as a neighbour an emperor is distinctly noisy4 ,the local comic papers suggested that1 as a universal genius1 ,guglielmo ,,ii4 would at once set about rowing a two-oared sandolo4 ,but this difficult feat ,guglielmo did not essay1 being convoyed more comfortably in a long-boat by a brawny crew4 ,curious1 by the way1 that transformation of ,william6 ,they announce plays here by ,g4 ,shakespeare1 the divine ,guglielmo4 ',t is all very well for ,guglielmo1 the gondola of ,avon1 to invite us to sit on the ground and tell sad stories of the death of kings2 and in a city of departed ,doges and lost glories't is easy to moralise over earthly greatness4 ,but kings are not always dead1 and ,i daresay as ,william ,,ii4 in his cocked hat gazed from the quarter-deck of the ,hohenzollern at the marvellous but untenanted ,palace of the ancient ,bridegrooms of the ,sea1 he felt that a living lion is better than a dead ,doge4 ,and yet it is a strange life1 a king's4 ,what an unreal universe of flags and cannons and phrases must monarchs inhabit6 ,do they think that the streets are always gay with streamers and bunting and triumphal arches1 always thunderous with throats of men or guns1 always impassable8 ,do they imagine their subjects spend their whole lives in packed black masses1 waving hats8 ,poor kings6 ,i always class them with novelists for ignorance of real life4 ,and to think that they can only get to know life from novels6 ,if they would only stop1 and think6 ,but even when they do stop1 they never seem to think4 ,napoleon on ,st4 ,helena never faced realities1 aggressively pompous to the end4 ,then there is ,don ,carlos1 whom ,i miss in my afternoon stroll4 ,he who might have dazzled us with divinity is visibly a feather-less biped4 ,the poor1 mock king had to leave ,venice because his brother-sovereigns would not have called upon him4 ,for ,don ,carlos still keeps up the form and style of a crowned head1 and remains the last of the ,bourbons1 a picturesque ruin1 reproach to a blasphemous generation1 heedless of the divine right of kings4 ,and the divinity that doth hedge a king can be kept up nowhere so cheaply as in ,venice4 ,venice is the dress-coat of cities1 making all men equal4 ,well might ,wordsworth dub her the eldest child of liberty6 ,for in the streets of ,venice you cannot drive or ride--walk you must4 ,no gleaming broughams1 no spanking steeds3 nothing--be you monarch or mendicant--but your two legs4 ',t is strange1 in a land of no horses1 to find ,venetians styled ,cavalier for title of honour4 ,they should surely be called ,gondoliers4 ,for the gondola is your only chance of display4 ,rich ,americans may flaunt it with four gondoliers and print ,palazzo on their visiting-cards4 ,but doctors and lawyers live in ,palaces1 and even a moderate purse can keep a horseless carriage4 ,and your ,st4 ,mark's ,square1 which is the largest drawing-room in the world1 is also the most democratic4 ,ladies of quality jostle shawled street-walkers1 a ,german sailor galls the kibe of a beautiful ,browning duchess1 officers with showy epaulettes glitter among respectable shopkeepers2 helmeted cuirassiers1 ,austrian admirals1 policemen with coloured tufts like lamp-cleaners1 ,german baronesses1 bouncing bonnes with babies1 garlic-scented workingmen1 ,american schoolgirls1 and kings in exile1 are mixed pell-mell1 all in perfect freedom and equality1 and1 though in the shadow of ,st4 ,mark's ,church1 quite ,christian4 ,and an ,italian crowd is also ,christian in its freedom from crush4 ,it does not turn a fete into a fight and a concourse into a competition4 ,thus1 as the ,prince ,consort was amused to find we ,english said of our pleasure-parties1 all passes off well4 ,except when there is rain4 ,and the heavens threw unmistakable cold water on the ,triple ,alliance4 ,the day of the ,emperor's stay was the one wet day ,venice had known for months--so dank and chill1 with so sooty a sky1 that my friend the artist1 who had just been reading in the ,london paper that his work had not caught the glamour and the colour of ,venice1 that the ,south had not yet revealed its passionate secrets to him1 chuckled grimly4 ,what is all this nonsense about an ,italian hothouse8 ,at ,florence ,i was afraid of being snow-bound in the sunny ,south4 ,for1 long and heavily1 though the ,london meteorologists registered sunshine1 ,cadeva dal cielo la neve ,con tutta la sua quiete4 7,down from heaven fell the snow ,with all its quietness47 ,this perfect description of snowfall--which ,i found rudely chalked on the wall of a ,venetian alley--could never have been conceived in the ,italy of popular imagination4 ,the superstition about ,italian sunshine is like that about ,italian beauty4 ,if the country about ,florence is the loveliest in ,europe1 surely the plain of ,lombardy around ,padua is the ugliest--a land of symmetrical tree-stumps and stony villas flaunting themselves on the roadway in pompous publicity4 ,in ,venice the ,emperor seemed specially to irritate the elements4 ,the illuminations were extinguished by a terrific torrent that sent the people pattering away into the black1 starless night1 gleaming with rain and fire2 and to-night when the imperial band attempted to play ,sang an ,aegir again1 the heavens fell1 and audience and orchestra vanished in the twinkling of a gas-lamp1 while the pavement of the ,piazza glittered golden as the facade of ,st4 ,mark's with dancing reflections1 and the lights burnt blue in the wind4 ,yes1 though the papers next day said the ,emperor's ,song was applauded enthusiastically1 ,jupiter ,pluvius at least never plays the courtier1 and ,boreas must be a rude reminder to monarchs of their essential humanity4 ,come1 let us sit upon the ground and tell sad stories of the colds of kings4 ,in the daylight ,i chanced upon a rough wooden platform1 bordered with plush and surrounded by tawdry terraces of coloured1 glass cups4 ,this was the fairy1 ,aladdin-like ,pagoda4 ,and such1 methinks1 are kings1 on closer acquaintance4 ,how majestic seemed ,william ,,ii41 and ,humbert1 the ,kaiserin and ,queen ,margherita1 when1 massed in our thousands on the ,piazza1 we clamoured for a glimpse of them3 how inaccessible and star-like when1 after much exciting but irrelevant shadow pantomime1 they actually appeared on the balcony of the ,palace1 as if to feed us like the pigeons we had displaced6 ,with what tumultuous rapture did we behold their faces6 ,stop and think6 ,you cannot stop and think4 ,enthusiasm is a microbe1 and is independent of its object3 even so we could yawn over ,punch and ,judy1 if the crowd assembled to yawn4 ,republicans who came to sneer remained to cheer4 ',t is comic this1 ,and comic that1 ,and clown on royal pay1 ,but 't is ,long live unser ,kaiser6 ,when the band begins to play4 ,and humanity has need of leaders1 heroes--'t is a primal instinct4 ,the ,jews had ,jehovah himself for sovereign1 but nothing would content them but a real man-king1 who should rule them and judge them and go out before them in war4 ,kings were leaders once1 but in modern days they are only symbols1 just as flags are3 the whole force of the nation is behind them1 and they stand for home and country4 ,this it is that gives them majesty and divinity4 ',t is a case of transformation of function1 an old institution adapted to new uses1 and valuable partly as giving colour to life1 partly for preventing the evils which ,gibbon so pregnantly showed to be inseparable from any system of primacy not based on an immutable heredity4 ,the trouble is when the flag wishes to order the march4 ,an unbroken tradition has kept up the old phrases of loyalty1 and so what wonder if a king sometimes takes them seriously6 ,le roi le veult not unnaturally leads sometimes to a king willing4 ,and also we are not quite conscious of the transformation2 it has come about so gradually that no one knows when kings ceased to be leaders1 and when they became flags1 and so with the new feeling blend confusedly strands of the old4 ,we ,english have abolished the sovereign1 but we are too loyal to say so4 ,in ,germany the sovereign has refused to be a symbol1 and in a country over-civilised in thought and under-civilised in action1 he has had a pretty good innings4 ,i must confess ,i do not find this attitude of his merely ridiculous4 ,it forces clearly upon the modern world the question of kingship1 whether it is to be a sham or a reality4 ,unpopular as ,william ,,ii4 has made himself by his martinet methods--ridiculous1 if you will--yet there is only one step from the ridiculous to the sublime4 ,in a flippant age he takes himself seriously1 has a sense of a responsible relation to his people4 ,have you seen the cartoon he designed to inspire the nations of the ,west to league together for the protection of their ideals against the races of the ,east8 ,the thought may be trite1 the philosophy leagues behind the doctrines of the ,berlin ,aufgeklrter1 but it shows a soul above card-playing or court-gossip4 ,what a noble chance there would be for a modern sovereign who should really be the head of his people1 on a par with the culture of his age1 in harmony with its highest ideals1 fostering all that is finest in life and character1 in art and thought6 ,snobbishness would be converted to useful ends1 and courtiers would become philosophers out of sheer flattery4 ,but such a ,platonic king is scarcely to be looked for3 the training is so bad4 ,the presence of kings makes places abnormal and out of character1 but in ,venice it rather gives one a sense of the true ,venice1 she that once held the gorgeous ,east in fee4 ,for the ,venice of every day only escapes vulgarity by force of beauty3 she lives up to the ,english and ,german tripper1 borders her great ,piazza with photograph shops1 and counts on the sentimental traveller to feed her pigeons4 ,oh1 that trail of the tourist over ,europe1 falsifying the very things he went out for to see6 ,coelum non animum mutant1 said the ,roman poet long ago of travellers1 but the modern traveller carries his sky with him4 ,instead of ,venice in ,london 't is ,london in ,venice4 ,carefully fenced off from the local life by his table d'hte1 it is rarely that the ,briton comes to understand that he and not the native is the foreigner1 the forestiere4 ,cities on show are never real2 they are like people posturing before a camera1 instead of being taken au naturel4 ,and the season is the time in which they are least real4 ,too many ,cooks' tourists spoil the broth4 ,cities en fte are masked and prankt1 and the spring in ,italy is like one long ,forestieri day4 ,at the church of ,eremitani in ,padua ,i was taken to see some ,mantegnas at a side-altar while a very devout congregation was celebrating ,eastertide1 and the verger unlocked a gate and pocketed his tip with undiminished piety4 ,how apt an image of life1 these ,italian churches--some of us praying and some of us sightseeing6 ,it must be confusing to the celestial bookkeepers to distinguish the ,bibles from the ,baedekers4 ,and while the real ,venice is as unreal as the real ,florence or the real ,rome1 ,venice welcoming her king gives one a truer impression of the ,venice of our dreams1 the ,queen of the seas in the brave days of old4 ,let us forget the steamboats and the iron bridges1 let us make believe that the ,hohenzollern is the great ,bucentaur1 in which the ,doge went out to wed the ,adriatic and which that arch-,philistine ,napoleon broke up4 ,for the ,venice of every day is a dead city1 with nothing left of its ancient glories but wealth4 ,though the millions be reckoned in lire1 there are over a hundred millionaires in ,venice4 ,but of that mighty artistic and religious impulse which produced countless churches and palaces1 pictures and frescoes1 which strewed the very street walls with spirited sculpture1 and warmed even parochial offices with priceless paintings1 there is as little trace as of the indomitable energy that founded a great ,republic on wooden piles and guarded it from the sea by dykes and from its enemies by the sea4 ,the escutcheons of its great families are fast becoming archaeological1 and ,americans and ,jews inhabit their palaces4 ,how great a power ,venice was ,i never realised till ,i was permitted to see the ,archives4 ,it takes three-quarters of an hour to walk through these galleries of town records4 ,miles of memorandums1 wildernesses of reports1 acres of ambassadors' letters from every court in ,europe1 written in cipher with inter-bound ,italian translations4 ,i tried to find the report of the ambassador at the ,court of ,st4 ,james anent the execution of ,charles ,i41 but gave up hopeless1 oppressed by the musty myriads of volumes1 and found comfort in the signature of ,queen ,elizabeth1 surely the most regal autograph in the world1 like some ship going out against the ,armada with swelling canvas and pennants streaming4 ,there's a woman after ,nietzsche's heart--strong1 splendid1 and unscrupulous4 ,if ,nietzsche had married her1 he might have changed his philosophy4 ,what a diplomatist1 this ,englishwoman6 ,to this day the ,direttore of the ,archives of ,venice swears by her4 ,those awesome ,archives6 ,the reports of the ,council of ,ten alone stretch away through vasty halls of death4 ,and then people talk of writing history6 ,how fortunate that the exact details of royal1 political and military events are as unessential as they are unattainable6 ,real history consists mainly of the things that haven't happened--the millions of everyday lives1 sunrise and sunset1 ships and harvests1 the winds and the rain1 and the bargains in the market-place4 ,the reading of ,clio's blood-stained scroll would be unbearable1 were it not for the reflection that all the important things have been left out--the myriads of sunny mornings that dawned on the ,dark ,ages1 and filled creation with the joy of life2 the hopes and loves throbbing in the great obscure mass of humanity2 the individual virtues and victories that co-existed with the decadence of great empires2 the vast ocean of consciousness of which ,history just skims the surface4 ,and now all that great ,venetian life is over1 the dreaded ,council of ,ten is as the dust that covers its reports1 and the ,doge's ,palace is a spectacle for tourists at a franc a head4 ,great ,caesar dead and turned to show4 ,and those who pay the franc scarcely seem to reflect that princes and artists did not live and die in ,italy to help young ,british or ,german couples over their honeymoon2 that ,dandolo and ,foscari1 ,sansovino and ,tintoretto1 passed away with no suspicion of that latter-day trinity--,bride1 ,bridegroom1 and ,baedeker4 ,strange that that which was so real to themselves is so romantic to us6 ,such is the transmutation of time1 which can colour with poetry things much more prosaic than life in ancient ,venice4 ,nothing of us that doth fade ,but doth1 suffer a sea-change ,into something rich and strange4 ,poets and seers feel the richness and strangeness of the life that is passing under their very eyes4 ,with ,maeterlinck it is the mystery1 with ,stevenson the colour1 with ,wordsworth the divinity4 ,to see the glamour of the contemporary is the note of your modern4 ,whitman spent his life trying to see it in the most unpromising materials4 ,the wondering perception of steamships and electric-cables has already grown dulled to us3 it requires a ,kipling to revivify it4 ,the new photographic process which enables one to carry out ,sydney ,smith's desire on a hot day1 to take off one's flesh and sit in one's bones1 alone seems wonderful to us2 though to see through a window is just as marvellous as to see through a brick wall4 ,for if nil admirari be the motto of the sage1 omne admirari is that of the poet1 and the poetry which wafts from the past to the soul of the most commonplace person is seen in the present by him who hath eyes4 ,the pathos of that which must pass away is no less great than the pathos of that which has passed away4 ,and what produces the art-feeling in both cases is the same--the fresh1 intense perception of things for themselves alone3 only the ordinary man finds it easier to detach his own interests from the past than from the present of which he is part4 ,romance is not in things1 but in the souls that observe4 ,every place1 however enchanted1 is inhabited by prosaic persons who earn their living there4 ,my chambermaid was born in ,padua--,padua1 outside which ,donatello could not achieve perfection2 ,padua1 ever dear to us because ,portia feigned to have studied law at its ,university4 ,alas6 alas6 the two gentlemen of ,verona go down to business in tram-cars1 and the ,magic casements opening on the foam ,of fary lands in perilous seas forlorn are cleaned and repaired by some one who sends in the bill4 ,yet1 since believing is seeing1 let us behold1 not the chambermaid and the window-cleaner1 but the magic casement and the moonrise4 ,and if to the commonplace our own age is commonplace1 yet our age1 like youth1 is a fault that will mend with time4 ,our politics1 and philosophies too1 will crumble and decay1 the dust will gather on our books and newspapers1 archaeologists will prize our coins1 the fashion of our ugly garments will grow picturesque1 and samples of our streets will be rebuilt in exhibitions4 ,what is then left to console us for the eternal flux8 ,only that posterity shall grow old-fashioned too1 while we1 like antiquity1 shall have enjoyed that which never grows old--the sunshine and the stars1 love and friendship1 the smiles of little children1 and the freshness of flowers1 aspiration and achievement1 thought and worship1 struggle and self-sacrifice4 ,these1 these are the eternal things--that persist in every age1 in every environment1 in old ,etruscan villages as in the ,paris of to-day3 these are the realities to which the latest scientific conveniences are but padding1 and in which we have had no superiority over our ancestors1 even as we shall have no inferiority to our successors1 though they riot in ,vril and balloons1 and go on ,cooks' ,tours to the constellations4 ,the network of nerves in which we live and move and have our being is only capable of a certain quota of sensations1 and no invention will really enlarge our enjoyments except it be of a new set of nerves4 ,persons whose lives have known strange vicissitudes have been astonished to find pleasure and pain about equally distributed in all2 and ,i am optimist enough to think that no age will be really less unhappy than the present4 ,reformers who imagine they improve on the past age do but alter old institutions to fit new feelings4 ,reformers are necessary because otherwise the new feelings would be cramped by the old institutions4 ,but there is no addition to the sum of pleasure4 ,progress really means not lagging behind2 and however far we march1 the same sunshine will throw the same shadow of pain across our path4 ,the notion of progress1 said ,spinoza1 is a futility1 because ,god1 of whom the universe is a manifestation1 is always perfect4 ,later philosophers have found this doctrine a barren blind-alley1 and craved for the notion of a more energising ,god4 ,but both notions seem perfectly compatible4 ,progress may be just the way perfection manifests itself4 ,the universe moves--and at each point is perfect4 ,it is as good as it could be--at the moment3 it could not be any better4 ,for if it could have been1 it would have been3 it has no interest in being otherwise4 ,that it is not perfect in our sense of the word matters little to the metaphysician4 ,we have such limited experiences of universes that we cannot judge what a really good one should be like2 and to say that ours is bad is to foul our own nest4 ,he had no doubt of the perfection of the universe1 that gentle old ,franciscan who lives with his twenty-nine brethren on the islet of ,st4 ,francesco del ,deserto1 a rarely visited spot off ,venice1 that somehow reminded me of the island in ,mr4 ,h4 ,a4 ,jones' ,michael and his ,lost ,angel4 ,he had never been to ,assisi1 where his tutelary saint was born4 ,have you no wish to see it8 ,i asked4 ,my only wish is to obey4 ,dear old man6 ,he had stopped all his life2 but thinking--ah6 that is another matter4 ,it was in this island that ,st4 ,francis preached to the birds4 ,he was saying the ,office when all the birds stopped to listen1 and ,st4 ,francis took advantage of the opportunity4 ,it was his disciple ,st4 ,antony who preached to the fishes1 and there is a delicious picture in ,padua showing all the fishes perking their heads out of the water and listening in devout dumbness1 the very oysters open to conviction4 ,poor dear fishes6 ,what a delightful change to receive from the upper world something else than hooks6 ,what a sweet simple cloister hath this lonely monastery--a plain stone walk under a red-tiled arcade supported by rough brick pillars1 the walls lined by quaint black-and-white engravings of saints engaged in miracles4 ,there is a well in the centre which used to be of sea-water1 but ,st4 ,bernard of ,siena blessed it and it turned sweet4 ,i have drunk of the water1 so ,i can vouch the story is true4 ,and there is a beautiful cypress walk4 ,what a tranquil retreat6 ,o ,beata ,solitudo6 ,o ,sola ,beatitudo6 as the inscription over the lintel hath it4 ,i do not wonder that ,st4 ,francis came here when he was greatly fatigued1 after converting the ,sultan of ,egypt1 as the old ,franciscan navely explained4 ',t is the sort of sanatorium ,tolsto would need1 after converting the ,german ,emperor6 ,and despite ,st4 ,francis1 and his doctrine of brotherhood with birds and fishes1 we go on with our cannibal cookery1 and even his own ,church still teaches that animals have no souls1 though that is perhaps because they have no soldi4 ,and despite ,tolsto and his tracts1 the people who stop will not think and the people who think will not stop4 ,for to convert the world is the one miracle that the saints have never compassed4 ,yet is the sunshine of these sweet souls never lost1 and the gentle mien of the old ,franciscan made me feel at peace even with my sandolier when ,i found him sound asleep in his boat1 wrapped up in my cloak4 ,and these are the types of character ,nietzsche would destroy4 ,they are degenerative1 forsooth6 ,they make against life and the joy thereof4 ,ah1 but the joy of life is not only the joy of self-assertion3 there is the joy of self-effacement1 which is only another form of self-expression1 the assertion of a higher self4 ,that was the secret of ,jesus1 of ,buddha4 ,whereas the doctrine of ,nietzsche--c'est le secret de ,polichinelle4 ,the man in the street needs no encouragement to enjoyment4 ,it is only by the travail of the centuries that he has been taught to prefer to his own pleasure somebody else's absence of pain4 ,human nature is like ,venice or ,holland--a province slowly wrested from the sea1 and secured by dams and dykes4 ,woe to him who makes a breach in the sea-walls6 ,and yet ,nietzsche is to be read1 though 't is a pity he is to be translated into ,english for the seduction of unripe minds4 ,the desuetude of ,latin as a common language for scholars is to be regretted2 it kept the thinkers of ,europe in touch1 and kept out the profanum vulgus4 ,as ,i have often pointed out1 a truth grows so stale that it is almost a lie1 and to invert any conventionality is to produce what is almost a truth4 ,truth is convex as well as concave4 ,this method of inversion is ,nietzsche's main weapon3 as earnest as any of our pulpiteering ,puritans1 he wears his morality inside out4 ,he denies the copy-book1 as ,luther denied the infallibility of the ,pope4 ,he transposes all moral values1 finds virtue often weakness and vice often strength1 girds at all the cloud-spinning philosophers1 and is one of the most brilliant and suggestive of modern writers1 full of epigram and whimsy1 and wielding the clumsy ,german tongue with rare grace and dexterity4 ,but1 as might be expected of the son of a parson1 he pursues his reaction against conventional cant beyond the bounds of legitimate paradox1 replacing the narrow by the narrower4 ,nietzsche was necessary2 some one had to call a spade a spade4 ,the great forces of modern thought1 which have been gathering for centuries1 had to find shameless expression2 and ,nietzsche's scorn for those who have tried to patch up hollow truces with bygone beliefs1 and dress up new heresies in old ,sunday clothes1 is amply justified4 ,but what is not justified is his admiration of himself--an admiration so pronounced that it has landed him in a lunatic asylum4 ,our systems of chronology ought to be recast1 cries he2 and even as men have dated from ,a4,d41 so are they to date from ,a4,n41 the year of ,nietzsche4 ,not that he expects immediate recognition3 ,erst das ,uebermorgen gehrt mir4 ,einige werden posthum geboren4 ,but the bulk of what he tells us is really involved in all modern conceptions of the cosmus--it could have been found long ago in ,herbert ,spencer4 ,anti-,christ he calls himself1 and beats the drum and invites you to inspect the greatest philosophy on earth4 ,now hold your breath with awe1 he has the air of saying1 or if you are not strong enough to hear this fearsome truth1 go home to the nursery and read ,hegel4 ,and after this fanfaronade1 lo6 some commonplace that you shall find in a hundred modern poets or philosophers4 ',t is like the clown in the circus who works himself up with a mighty pother to mount the bare-backed steed1 and then hangs on to the tail4 ,no1 no1 good ,herr ,nietzsche1 we want our ,saints ,francis as well as our ,napoleons4 ,the one kind is as much in the order of nature as the other2 and pity and humility1 if they are the virtues of nations in their decline1 are preferable to the vices of nations at their zenith4 ,and1 good ,count ,tolsto1 a universe of ,saints ,francis would be an intolerable bore4 ,the cowl does not cover all the virtues1 nor the dress-coat all the sins4 ',t is a world we live in1 not a monastery2 and it is amid the clash of mighty opposites that the music of the spheres is beaten out4 ,everything in ,venice is delivered up to the ,evil ,one now1 writes ,john ,buskin to ,father ,jacopo of the ,armenian monastery2 and such has been the immemorial language of prophets4 ,i sometimes suspect the ,evil ,one deserves more gratitude than he gets4 ,where would be the play without the villain of the piece8 ,no1 the devil is not so black as he is painted1 nor the angel so white4 ,and hence these incessant swings of the philosophical pendulum as one truth or the other is perceived4 ,the true ethics of the future will give the devil his due1 and deduct a discount from the angel4 ,the ,armenian monastery which has posted up ,ruskin's letter is paradoxically proud of its association with ,lord ,byron1 who studied ,armenian there2 and visitors come there in consequence1 and buy books that the monks print4 ,so that ,satan has his uses1 and ,scripture can quote the devil for its own purposes4 ,the book ,i bought was a charming collection of ,armenian folk-songs1 and it contains one delicious poem whose refrain has haunted me ever since3 ,,on ,,the ,,partridge4 ,the sun boats from the mountain's top1 ,pretty1 pretty4 ,the partridge comes from her nest3 ,she was saluted by the flowers1 ,she flew and came from the mountain's top1 ,ah6 pretty1 pretty1 ,ah6 dear little partridge6 ,only the highest genius--and what is higher than the folk-genius8--would dare to be so nave3 ,ah6 pretty1 pretty1 ,ah6 dear little partridge6 ,,ventnor ,i did not get to ,ventnor without a struggle4 ,everybody that ,i met held up hands of horror4 ,what6 ,going to ,ventnor8 ,you will be roasted before your time4 ,my friends grieved1 my very publishers wrung their hands1 my newsvendor took me aside and besought me to live on a high hill4 ,yet through the whole of ,august ,i sat coolly writing on a low terrace4 ,there is a superstition about ,ventnor1 and none of the people who talk glibly about its temperature have ever been there4 ,but ,i think ,i have discovered the origin of the great ,ventnor myth4 ,the place is a winter resort of consumptives2 and ,mr4 ,frederick ,greenwood1 who was the chief charm of ,ventnor1 told me that you may take coffee on your lawn in ,november4 ,the town1 then1 is warm in winter4 ,the popular mind1 with its hasty logic1 thinks that this is tantamount to saying it is broiling hot in summer4 ,i fancy there is a similar fiction about ,bournemouth4 ,but as a rule the ,british climate pays no heed to guide-books4 ,by the natives1 ,ventnor1 though as beautiful as a little ,italian town1 seems to be regarded as a good place to go away from1 for every other man keeps a coaching establishment 7,i don't mean a school71 and you cannot walk two yards without being accosted by a tout1 who resents your walking the next two4 ,its regatta is a puerile affair1 its own boating crews going off by preference to rival regattas4 ,but in illuminations it comes out far better than ,cowes1 whose loyal inhabitants throw all the burden of fireworks upon the royal and other yachts anchored in the bay4 ,and besides1 ,ventnor has a carnival1 which ,i saw in the shop-windows in the shape of comic masks4 ,bonchurch1 the suburb of ,ventnor1 which plumes itself upon a very artificial pond1 furnished in the best style with sycamores1 ,scotch firs1 elms and swans1 is more interesting for containing the old churchyard by the sea which received the bones of ,john ,sterling and inspired the best poem of ,philip ,bourke ,marston3-- ,do they hear1 through the glad ,april weather1 ,the green grasses waving above them8 ,do they think there are none left to love them1 ,they have lain for so long there together8 ,do they hear the note of the cuckoo1 ,the cry of gulls on the wing1 ,the laughter of winds and waters1 ,the feet of the dancing ,spring8 ,i was married in ,ventnor4 ,at least so ,i gather from the local newspapers1 in whose visitors' lists there figures the entry1 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,zangwill4 ,i do not care to correct it1 because1 the lady being my mother1 it is perfectly accurate and leads to charming misconceptions4 ,there1 that's he1 loudly whispered a young man1 nudging his sweetheart1 and there's his wife with him4 ,that6 why1 she looks old enough to be his mother1 replied the young lady4 ,ah6 said her lover1 with an air of conscious virtue and a better bargain1 they're awfully mercenary1 these literary chaps4 ,the reverse of this happened to a young friend of mine4 ,he married an old lady who possessed a very large fortune4 ,during the honeymoon his solicitous attentions to her excited the admiration of another old lady1 who passed her life in a ,bath-chair4 ,dear me6 she thought3 how delightful in these degenerate days to see a young man so attentive to his mother6 and1 dying soon after1 left him another large fortune4 ,,somewhere ,,else ,before ,i chanced on the great discovery which has made all my holidays real boons1 and pleasure trips quite a pleasure1 ,i used to go through all the horrors of preliminary indecision1 which are still1 alas6 the lot of the vast majority4 ,i would travel for weeks in ,bradshaw1 and end by sticking a pin at random between the leaves as if it were a ,bible1 vowing to go where destiny pointed4 ,once the pin stuck at ,london1 and so ,i had to stick there too1 and was defrauded of my holiday4 ,but even when the pin sent me to ,putney1 or ,coventry1 ,i was invariably disappointed4 ,like the inquisitive and precocious infant of the poem1 ,i was always asking for the address of ,peace1 but whenever ,i called ,i was told that she was not in1 while the mocking refrain seemed to ring in my ears3 ,not there1 not there1 my child4 ,and at last ,i asked angrily of the rocks and caves3 ,will no one tell me where ,peace may be found8 ,wherever ,i go ,i find she is somewhere else4 ,then1 at last1 one nymph's soft heart grew tender and pitiful towards me1 and ,echo1 hardly waiting till ,i had completed my sentence1 answered3 ,somewhere ,else4 ,a wild thrill of joy ran through me4 ,at last ,i had found the solution of the haunting puzzle4 ,somewhere ,else4 ,that was it4 ,not ,scotland1 nor ,switzerland1 nor ,japan4 ,none of the common places of travel4 ,but ,somewhere ,else4 ,wherever ,i went1 ,i wished ,i had gone ,somewhere ,else4 ,then1 why not go there at first8 ,what was the good of repining when it was too late8 ,in future1 ,i would make a bee-line for the abode of ,peace--not hesitate and shilly-shally1 and then go to ,bournemouth1 or ,norway1 or ,ceylon1 only to be sorry ,i had not gone to ,somewhere ,else direct4 ,in a flash1 all the glories of the discovery crowded upon me--the gain of time1 temper1 money1 everything4 ,a thousand thanks1 sweet ,echo1 ,i cried4 ,my obedience to thy advice shall prove that ,i am not ungrateful4 ,echo1 with cynical candour1 shouted ,great fool1 but ,i cannot follow her in her end-of-the-century philosophy4 ,and ,i have taken her advice4 ,i went ,somewhere ,else immediately1 and since then ,i have gone there every year regularly4 ,my relatives do not care for it1 and suggest all sorts of conventional places1 such as ,monte ,carlo and ,southend1 but wherever they go1 be it the most beautiful spot on earth1 ,i remain faithful to my discovery1 and go to ,somewhere ,else1 where ,peace never fails to greet me with the special welcome accorded to an annual visitor4 ,the place grows upon me with every season4 ,sometimes1 ,i think ,i should like to stay on and die there4 ,no other spot in the wide universe has half such charm for me1 and even when ,i do die1 ,i don't think ,i shall go to where all the other happy idlers go4 ,i shall go to ,somewhere ,else4 ,for ,cromer may be the garden of sleep1 but you shall find sleepier gardens and more papaverous poppies--,somewhere ,else4 ,the mountain-pines of ,switzerland may be tall1 and the skies of ,italy blue1 but there are taller pines and bluer skies--,somewhere ,else4 ,the bay of ,san ,francisco may be beautiful1 and the landscapes of ,provence lovely1 and the crags of ,norway sublime1 but ,somewhere ,else there are fairer visions and scenes more majestical-- ,an ampler setter1 a diviner air1 ,and fields invested with purpureal gleams4 ,it never palls upon you--,somewhere ,else4 ,every loved landmark grows dearer to you year by year1 and year by year apartments are cheaper--,somewhere ,else4 ,the facilities for getting to it are enormous4 ,all roads lead to it1 far more truly than to ,rome4 ,there can be no accidents on the journey4 ,how often do we read of people setting forth on their holidays full of life and hope--yea1 sometimes even on their honeymoon--and lo6 a signalman nods1 or a bridge breaks1 and they are left mangled on the rails or washed into the river4 ,and to think that they would have escaped if they had only gone to ,somewhere ,else6 ,too late the weeping relatives wring their hands and moan the remark4 ,henceforth1 among the ten million pleasure-pilgrims1 who will be guided by me1 there will be no more tragedies by flood or field4 ,railway assurance will become a thing of the past1 and a fatal blow will be struck at modern hebdomadal journalism4 ,to turn to minor matters1 your friends can never utter the irritating ,i told you not to go there6 if you have been to ,somewhere ,else4 ,and you need not label your luggage2 that always goes to ,somewhere ,else of itself4 ,last advantage of ,somewhere ,else1 you may show your face in it1 though you departed last year without paying your bill4 ,there are no creditors in this blessed haven4 ,earth's load drops off your shoulders when you go to ,somewhere ,else4 ,i give this counsel in a disinterested spirit4 ,i have not made speculative purchases of land1 ,i am not booming a generous jerry-builder4 ,and yet ,i cannot help reflecting apprehensively on the consequences of my recommendation4 ,already ,i see my sweet retreat the prey of the howling mob2 ,i hear the ,german band playing on the stone parade1 and catch the sad strains of the comic singer4 ,sacrilegious feet tramp the solitudes1 and sandwich papers become common objects of the sea-shore4 ,shilling yachts will ply where ,i watched the skimming curlew1 and new villas will totter on the edge of the ocean and beguile the innocent billows to be house-breakers4 ,nay1 the place will become the ,alsatia of humanity1 the refuge for all those men and women people would rather see ,somewhere ,else1 and whose travelling expenses they will perchance defray4 ,imagination reels before the horror of such an agglomeration of the unamiable4 ,and the terrible thing about my terrestrial paradise is that there is no escaping from it4 ,everything has the defects of its qualities1 and this is the reverse of the dazzling medal--the drawback which annuls all the advantages of ,somewhere ,else in the event of its becoming popular4 ,in vain shall ,i then endeavour to flee from it4 ,though ,i projected myself from the giant cannon that sent ,jules ,verne's hero to the moon1 ,i should inevitably arrive--boomerang-like--at ,somewhere ,else4 ,,part ,,iii4 ,,after-,,thoughts3 ,a ,,bundle ,,of ,,brevities4 ,sidenote3 ,moonshine ,certainly the ,moon was very charming that soft summer's night1 as ,i watched its full golden orb gliding nonchalantly in the serene1 starry heaven1 and keeping me company as ,i strode across the silent gorse4 ,but--to be indiscreet--,i had grown aweary of the ,moon1 and of the stars also1 as of beautiful pictures hung--or should one say1 skied8--in a perpetual ,academy4 ,caelum non animum mutant is only tolerably true4 ,a derangement of stars is all the change you get by travelling--everywhere the same golden-headed nails1 as ,hugo1 hard-driven1 called them1 are sticking in the firmament4 ,this particular moon was hanging1 not over a church steeple1 like ,de ,musset's moon1 ,comme un point sur un i1 but like the big yellow dial of the clock in a church tower4 ,an illuminated clock-face--but blank1 featureless1 expressionless1 useless2 in a word1 without hands4 ,now ,i could not help thinking that if there had really been a ,providence it would have put hands to the ,moon--a big and a little--and made it the chronometer of the world--nay1 of the cosmos--the universal time-piece1 to which all eyes1 in every place and planet1 could be raised for information2 by which all clocks could be set--moon time--an infallible monitor and measurer of the flight of the hours2 divinely right1 not to be argued with2 though ,i warrant there be some would still swear by their watches4 ,this were the true cosmopolitanism1 destroying those distressful variations which make your clock vary with your climate1 and which throw the shadow of pyrrhonism over truths which should be clear as daylight4 ,for if1 when it is five o'clock here1 it may be two o'clock there and supper-time yonder1 if it is night and day at the same moment1 then is black white1 and ,pilate right--and ,heraclitus1--and the nonconformist conscience a vain thing4 ,in supporting correct moral principles1 the ,moon would be of some use1 instead of staring at us with an idiot face1 signifying nothing4 ,the stars1 too1 could be better employed than in winking at what goes on here below4 ,like ladies' gold watches by the side of ,big ,ben1 they could repeat the same great eternal truth--that it was half-past nine1 or five minutes to eleven4 ,soon as the evening shades prevail ,the moon takes up the wondrous tale1 ,while all the stars that round her burn1 ,and all the planets in their turn1 ,confirm the tidings as they roll1 ,and spread the time from pole to pole4 ,an obvious result of a synchronised universe would be the federation of mankind1 ,peace on ,earth1 and all those other beatitudes at present vainly sought by ,world ,fairs1 and pig-sticking prophets4 ,till we have hands to the ,moon ,i shall not look for the ,millennium4 ,sidenote3 ,capital ,suddenly the ,moon went behind a cloud1 as if to demonstrate that even then there would be difficulties4 ,besides1 ,i remembered it had its quarter-days4 ,here my thoughts made a transition to money matters1 and1 after the manner of ,richard ,carstone in ,bleak ,house1 ,i fell to reckoning up the sums ,i had saved of late4 ,it is a calculation ,i make almost every week nowadays4 ,i have lost nothing by any of the ,jerry-,building ,societies1 nothing by any of the great ,bank ,failures4 ,by not having any money one saves thousands a year in these unsettled times4 ,mr4 ,hamerton cites with amusement the remark of a wealthy ,englishman1 who could not understand why men are so imprudent as to allow themselves to sink into money embarrassments4 ,there is a simple rule that ,i follow myself1 said he1 and that ,i have always found a great safeguard3 it is1 never to let one's balance at the banker's fall below five thousand pounds4 ,the rich ,englishman's rule was quite wrong3 the only safeguard is to have no balance at all4 ,high and dry on the ,lucretian tower of poverty1 you may watch with complacency the struggles of the sinking funds4 ,what a burden capital must be to those anxious to find safe investments at high rates of interest6 ,it looks as if interest will sink to freezing point1 and capital will have to flow to other planets if that comical claim for wages of abstinence is to be met any longer4 ,perhaps it will flow to ,mars1 the home in exile of the old political economy4 ,already a beginning has been made by investments in mines which are not upon this earth4 ,sidenote3 ,credit ,every day makes clearer the evils of our complex credit system--that ,frankenstein creation we have lost control over1 that ampulaceous growth of capital1 most of which is merely figures in a book1 and which only exists in virtue of not being asked for1 much as the tit-bits on a restaurant menu are off when ordered4 ,the real meaning of ,national ,debts is that every civilised country is bankrupt1 and only goes on trading because its creditors give it time4 ,to the uncertainties of the weather1 and the chances of cholera1 war1 and earthquake1 we have added an artificial uncertainty worse than any of these--we have invented a series of financial cyclones1 which sweep round the globe1 devastating all lands1 and no more to be predicted--despite theories of sun-spots1 cyclones and financial crises--than wrecks at sea2 indeed1 far less predictable1 for ,i believe with the ex-mayor quoted by ,bonamy ,price1 that finance is a subject which no man can understand in this world1 or even in the next4 ,the infinite ramifications1 the endless actions and reactions1 are beyond the grasp of any one but an impostor4 ,the ,professor just mentioned thought he had found the right thread of theory in the labyrinth of ,currency and ,banking1 and really did make a most sensible analysis of what actually went on in financial operations4 ,only he left out one great factor--the immense influence on the market of other people's wrong theories4 ,no1 if there is a right thread of theory1 it must be so tangled as to be worse than useless4 ,my friend the business man tells me that for success in business one requires four things3 a large capital1 industry1 insight1 and caution--and then it's a toss-up4 ,i am fain to believe this whole system of modern commerce was devised to please the amateurs of the aleatory4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,small ,boy ,a plague on both your ,houses of ,parliament6 ,they legislate day and night1 yet leave our lives unmodified4 ,for our lives revolve on the pivot of custom1 and our everyday movements are not political4 ,the real ruler of ,england is the small boy of the streets6 ,and1 in truth1 is it not so8 ,by the unphilosophic regarded as akin to vermin1 existing for the greater confusion of theologians1 the small boy looms large to the man of insight1 as the true conservator of custom--the one efficient custos morum4 ,he it is who regulates the lengths to which we may go in eccentricity1 and1 above all1 in hair3 ,get your hair cut6 ,he is particular to a shade about clothes1 and has a nice taste in hats4 ,one wonders how he acquired it4 ,his patriotic proclivity1 his hostility to national costumes other than ,english1 his preference for uncoloured complexions--this one may understand2 but his aesthetic instinct is a problem for ,weismann4 ,as the interpreter of the conventions1 he is of a cast-iron rigidity1 for is he not a child of ,mrs4 ,grundy--his mother's own boy8 ,he has no exceptions--it is one law and one measure4 ,he is the scavenger of manners1 as the ,constantinople street-dog is of gutters2 a natural police des moeurs1 infinitely more efficient than any artificial organisation2 an all-ramifying association created to keep the bounds of social order1 on duty at every street corner1 alert to check every outbreak of individuality4 ,do ladies aspire to ride bicycles8 ,or wear bloomers8 ,there is the small boy to face4 ,it is a question for him4 ,conciliate him1 and you may laugh at the pragmatic4 ,his1 too1 is a healthy barbarism1 beneficent in its action1 that thinks scorn of eyeglasses and spectacles1 and leads him to denounce quadruple vision1 as1 indeed1 all departure from the simplicities of physical perfection4 ,a human scarecrow he abhors1 and will follow such an one through six streets to express his disapprobation4 ,extremes of size8 whether of tallness or shortness8 offend him equally4 ,whitman was not kinder to the average man4 ,nor is the small boy's influence limited to sumptuary and corporeal censorship3 by taking up certain songs he makes the nation's ballads1 and every one knows what that means4 ,let me train a nation's small boys1 ,i care not who makes its laws4 ,o small boy1 true sovereign of ,england1 ,i take off my hat to thee6--to show thee the maker's name in the lining1 and satify thy anxious inquiries as to where ,i got it4 ,sidenote3 ,a ,day in ,town4 ,i have often wondered what country children do for a holiday4 ,do good people go round collecting to give them a day in ,london or ,liverpool or ,manchester1 so that their stunted lives that stretch on from year to year with never a whiff of town fog1 never a glimpse of green 'buses1 or dangerous crossings1 or furnace-smoke1 may be expanded and elevated8 ,if not1 ,i beg to move the starting of a ,town ,fund at once4 ,nothing can be more narrowing than rustic existence--there are old yokels whose lives have always moved within a four-mile radius1 women who have grown gray without ever knowing what lay beyond the blue hills that girdled their native village4 ,i once knew a chawbacon who came to town and was barked at by a street-dog4 ,he stooped down to pick up one of the rough stones lying in the roadway to ward it off withal1 but to his astonishment the stone refused to budge1 for it was an integral part of the road4 ,danged if that baint99 queer6 he exclaimed4 ,at home the dogs be tied and the stones be loose4 ,here the dogs be loose and the stones be tied4 ,now1 if that man had enjoyed a school excursion to the town when a boy1 he would have deprived me of a good story4 ,a glimpse of the town in youth might also do good in checking the perpetual urban immigration1 which1 alas6 removes so many of the rustic population from the soil1 and places them under it4 ,to this end all school excursions to ,london should take place in ,november4 ,yes1 there is a vast future before that fund1 and ,i shall be happy to start it with five thousand pounds1 if two hundred and sixty-three one-armed ,scotchmen of good moral character will bind themselves to do the same4 99 ,transcriber's note3 ,so in original4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,profession of ,charity4 ,mr4 ,labouchere is singularly unfair to a new profession4 ,beggary has long been a recognised profession1 with its traditions1 customs1 and past-masters1 and it is time that philanthropy should now be admitted to an equal status4 ,there is no reason in the world why it should be left in the hands of amateurs1 who muddle away funds by their lack of science and experience4 ,supposing a man sees his way to doing good--founding a home for incurables1 or drunkards1 or establishing a dispensary1 or anything you please--why should he not make a living by it8 ,what if he does get five hundred a year1 is he not worth it1 provided always the institution fulfils a useful function and is not a sham8 ,surely he does more for ,society in return for his money than a ,treasury clerk6 ,probably but for him--but for his wish to earn an income--the charitable institution would never have come into existence4 ,political economy already shows us how the individual's desire for profit brings humanity all its blessings1 opens up new countries for it1 and supplies them with wars and railways4 ,if men did not buy shares with a view to a percentage on their savings1 the march of civilisation would come to a halt4 ,since the philanthropy of percentage is so obvious1 why should we not recognise the percentage of philanthropy8 ,charity has gone into business4 ,why not8 ,sidenote3 ,the ,privileges of ,poverty4 ,the only people who seem to escape the malady of the century are the poor4 ,the ,weltschmerz touches them not2 however great their suffering1 it is always individual4 ,the privileges of poverty are1 ,i fear1 insufficiently appreciated in these grasping times4 ,it is not only income-tax that the poor man is exempt from4 ,there is a much more painful tax on income than the pecuniary--it is the thought of those who are worsted in the struggle for bare existence4 ,vae victis6 ,yet those who achieve the bare existence1 who starve not1 neither shiver1 have surely enviable compensations4 ,not theirs the distressful1 wearying problems of sociology4 ,far from feeling any responsibility for their fellow-beings1 they do not even fulfil their own personal duty to society1--witness the breeding of babies in back streets4 ,they have no sympathy with the troubles of any other class--they eat their hard crust and they drink their bitter beer without a thought of the dyspepsia of the diner-out1 and their appetite is not dulled by any suspicion of heart-sickness in good society4 ,starvation other than physical they do not understand1 and spiritual struggles are caviare4 ,the state of the rich does not give them sleepless nights--they have no yearnings to reform them or amend their condition4 ,the terrible overcrowding of the upper classes on ,belgravian staircases wakes not a pang2 they are untouched by the sufferings of insufficiently-clad ladies in draughty stalls and royal antechambers2 and the grievances of old army men move them not4 ,not theirs to ponder sorrowfully over the lost souls of politicians or the degeneration of public manners4 ,they live their own lives--and1 whatsoever the burden1 they do not bear any one's but their own4 ,sidenote3 ,salvation for the ,seraphim ,herbert ,spencer says he knew a retired naval officer in whose mind ,god figured as a transcendently powerful sea-captain2 and we have all heard the story of the ,english admiral who1 when fighting the ,dutch1 felt sure ,god wouldn't desert a fellow-countryman4 ,but this ingenuous identification of earthly and divine interests has been carried to the point of imbecility by ,general ,booth in his claim to ,,the ,,largest ,,circulation4 ,the ,war ,cry1 so the ,general states1 ,among the angels circulates1 ,to ,heaven having gone2 but1 oh1 ,that it had first expired below6 ,which is uglier--the crude spiritualism of the ,salvationist or the crude materialism of the scientist8 ,i receive the same sort of shock when ,i peruse ,mrs4 ,spurgeon's fond picture of her departed husband waylaying the angels at the shining street-corners to preach the gospel to them1 as when ,i read that woman's poetry is inferior to man's because she exhales less carbonic acid4 ,sidenote3 ,truth--,local and ,temporal ,the other day ,i listened to some green-room persiflage between an actress and an eminent actor-manager4 ,the lady said she had loved him years ago1 and thrown herself at his head1 but had never been able to bring him to a proposal4 ,i asked if she would have been satisfied with the provincial rights4 ,i am not at all sure that the introduction of this principle of legal partition would not promote domestic harmony1 especially in theatrical circles1 where the practice already prevails in the matter of plays4 ,indeed1 this principle of partition has already been carried beyond its original sphere4 ,do ,i not remember a theatrical lawsuit four or five years ago in which the plaintiff sought to restrain the defendant from styling himself part-author of a piece1 on the ground that he 7the defendant7 had not done a stroke of the work1 and had been paid ten pounds for it2 while the defendant claimed that he had only parted with his rights as regards ,london1 and that in the provinces he was still entitled to claim a share of the authorship8 ,pascal long ago pointed out1 in his ,penses1 that virtue and vice were largely dependent on distance from the equator 7a latitudinarianism in morals that does not seem to have shocked his ,port ,royal friends74 ,but even he failed to reach this daring conception of local fame4 ,the marvel is that when once reached it should have been let slip again4 ,it seems to me an invaluable remedy for disputes3 absolutely infallible4 ,when ,mr4 ,stuart ,cumberland wrote from ,india to claim the plot of ,the ,charlatan1 how simple to accord him the authorship--in ,india6 ,at once we perceive a modus vivendi for the followers of ,donnelly and the adherents of common-sense4 ,in ,america ,bacon shall be the author of ,hamlet1 but the ,english rights in the piece shall go to ,shakespeare4 ,in the same spirit of compromise ,cruikshank might have been content to be the author of ,oliver ,twist in the ,hebrides and the second-class saloons of ,atlantic steamers4 ,herman should be sole author of ,the ,silver ,king in ,pall ,mall1 and ,jones in ,piccadilly4 ,some metropolitan streets belong by one pavement to one parish1 and by the other to another2 so that in the case of parochial celebrities it would be possible for the rival great men to glare at each other across the road--not1 however1 daring to cross it1 for fear of losing their reputation4 ,the ,frenchman's long-standing assumption of ,parisian rights in the victory of ,waterloo would be put upon a legitimate basis4 ,by a logical extension of the principle we could allow ,homer to be born in ,chios on ,mondays1 in ,colophon on ,tuesdays1 and so with each of the seven cities which starved him4 ,they use up the week nicely4 ,on the odd day of leap year we might concede that he never existed1 and allow him to be resolved into the pieces into which he was torn by ,wolf4 ,had this pacificatory principle been discovered earlier1 ,the ,letters of ,phalaris would never have fluttered ,europe1 and ,swift would have had no need to write ,the ,battle of the ,books4 ,it is never too late to mend1 however1 and an academy of leading politicians and ecclesiastics should be at once formed to draw up an authoritative ,calendar and ,topography of ,belief1 fixing once for all the dates and places on or in which it is permissible to hold any given opinion4 ,although1 when ,i come to think of it1 ,science and ,religion have long been tacitly reconciled on this principle1 ,religion being true on ,sundays and ,science on week-days4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,creed of ,despair4 ,i am convinced that optimism is exactly the wrong sort of medicine for our present discontents4 ,it is time to try homoeopathy4 ,my suggestion is that the religion of the future shall consist of the most pessimistic propositions imaginable2 its creed shall be godless and immoral1 its thirty-nine articles shall exhaust the possibilities of unfaith and its burden shall be vanitas vanitatum4 ,man shall be an automaton1 and life an hereditary disease1 and the world a hospital1 and truth a dream1 and beauty an optical illusion4 ,these sad tidings of great sorrow shall be organized into a state church1 with bishops and paraphernalia1 and shall be sucked in by the infant at its mother's breast4 ,men shall be tutored in unrighteousness1 and innocence shall be under ecclesiastical ban4 ,faith and ,hope shall be of the seven deadly virtues1 and unalloyed despair of man and nature a dogma it were blasphemous to doubt4 ,the good shall be persecuted and the theists tortured1 and those that say there is balm in ,gilead1 shall be thrust beyond the pale of decent society4 ,then1 oh1 what a spiritual revival there will be6 ,every gleam of light will be eagerly sought for1 every ray focussed2 every hint of love and pity and beauty1 of significance and divinity1 in this infinite and infinitely mysterious universe1 will be eagerly snatched up and thrust upon an age hide-bound in orthodoxy2 every touch and trace of tenderness that softens suffering and sweetens the bitterness of death1 will be treasured up in secret mistrust of the reigning creed2 every noble thought and deed1 every sacred tear1 will be thrown into the balance of heresy with every dear delight of poetry and art1 of woods and waters1 of dawns and sunsets2 with every grace of childhood and glory of man and womanhood4 ,and every suppressed doubt of the hideousness of the universe will sink deep and ferment in darkness1 and persecution will sit on every natural safety valve till at last the pent forces will swell and crack the sterile soil1 and there will be an explosion that shall send a pillar of living fire towards the heavens of brass4 ,the clerics will be among the first to feel the stirrings of infidel hope--a few will give up their livings rather than preach what they do not believe1 but the majority--especially the bishops--will cling to the ,church of ,despair1 hoping against hope that their despair is true4 ,there will be wonderful word-spinnings in the reviews1 and the dominant pessimism will be justified by algebraic analogies4 ,but1 beneath it all1 the church will be infected to the core with faith1 and for the first time in history we shall get a believing clergy4 ,there will be secret societies founded to publish the ,bible1 and ,colonel ,ingersoll will lecture at the hall of religion1 and the prisons will be crowded with martyred iconoclasts incredulous of the gospel of science4 ,no1 there is nothing so unwise as your optimistic organized creeds1 with their suggestions of officialdom1 red-tape1 and back-stairs influence4 ,we shall never be perfectly religious and moral till we are trained from childhood to ungodly works1 forced to attend long sermons on the error of existence1 and badgered into public impiety by force of opinion4 ,sidenote3 ,social ,bugbears4 ,first there were the ,radicals1 who stood for the apogee of human villainy1 though it now appears they were ,conservatives of the mildest type4 ,then came the turn of the ,atheists1 who1 for all ,i have been able to discover1 were very respectable creatures full of religious ardour1 who spelt ,god with a small g and justice with a capital ,j4 ,then the ,socialists had their innings4 ,but we are all ,socialists now1 and the empty mantle of villainy has fallen upon ,anarchism1 which1 as far as ,i can make out1 is the simplest and most innocent creed ever invented1 and which debars its adherents from exercising any compulsion upon anybody else1 relying upon the natural moral working of the human heart4 ,how this is compatible with bombs it is for ,messieurs les ,anarchistes to explain4 ,needless to say the assassinous ,anarchists are disavowed by their philosophical brethren4 ,sidenote3 ,martyrs4 ,although we moderns work harder than our fathers for our opinions1 we are sometimes taunted with not being so ready to die for them4 ,but1 as ,renan points out1 thinkers have no need to die to demonstrate a theorem4 ,saints may die for their faith because faith is a personal matter4 ,even so we are still ready to die for our honour4 ,the ,christian martyrs did prove that ,christianity was a reality to them2 but ,galileo's death would have been irrelevant to the rotation of the earth4 ,there is no argumentum per hominem possible here2 the truth is impersonal4 ,it is only for beliefs that exclude certainty that a man is tempted to martyrdom4 ,the martyr is indeed1 as the etymology implies1 a witness2 but his death is not a witness to the truth of his belief--merely to the truth of his believing4 ,blandine at her stake1 enduring a hundred horrors unflinchingly1 seems in addition to prove that faith was the first anaesthetic4 ,it is curious to note how the word martyr has been degraded2 so that we have to-day martyrs to the gout instead of to the truth4 ,the idea of suffering has quite ousted the idea of witnessing4 ,what a pity the word got these painful associations6 ,there are martyrs to the truth--witnesses who without dying testify to the divine streak in life2 and unconscious martyrs who1 by their simple sincerity1 their unpretentious unselfishness1 prove more than a bookshelf of theology4 ,i have found martyrdom in the grip of a friend's hand1 though if ,i had told him so he would have apologised for squeezing so hard4 ,and is not every pretty woman a martyr--a revelation of an inner soul of beauty and goodness in this chaotic universe8 ,there6 ,i have succumbed again to the common masculine impulse to conceive beauty and goodness as a chemical combination1 subtly inter-related2 whereas the slightest practical experience in the laboratory of life discovers them but a mechanical mixture1 dissociable and not seldom antipathetic4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,london ,season ,i remember being so bored one night at dinner1 by the ceaseless chatter about ,burne-,jones1 that ,i asked my fair neighbour3 ,who is ,burne-,jones8 ,her reply was as smart as it was feminine4 ,i don't believe you4 ,there is a moral in this4 ,why be a slave to the season8 ,why bother to read all the newest novels1 see all the newest plays1 hear all the newest musicians1 remember all the newest ,reminiscences1 and believe all the newest religions1 when by pleading ignorance you will pass not only as an eccentric but a connoisseur8 ,on second thoughts1 why not eschew the season altogether8 ,god made the seasons and man made the season1 as ,cowper forgot to say4 ,and a nice mess man has made of it1 turning night into day and heating his rooms in the summer4 ,the ,london ,season1 not ,winter1 ,mr4 ,cowper1 is the true ,ruler of the ,inverted ,year4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,academy ,the ,academy has survived ,mr4 ,burne-,jones' desertion of his old associates1 as it would survive art itself4 ,i for one should regret its disappearance4 ,it is a whetstone for wit1 like everything established and respectable4 ,i am only sorry we have no ,academy of ,letters4 ,it gives one such a standing not to be a member--almost as good a standing as to be one4 ,if you are left out in the cold you loudly pity those asphyxiating in the heat1 and if you have a cozy chair by the fireside you fall asleep and say nothing4 ,this promotes happiness all round1 and makes the literary man contented with his lot4 ,in ,england authors have no ,academy1 and so have to fall back on the poor publishers3 ,hinc illae lachrymae6 ,sidenote3 ,portraits of ,gentlemen ,everybody paints the portrait of nobody4 ,imagine a great writer being called upon to produce a black-and-white picture of a man of no importance3 ,let us imagine1 say ,meredith1 being offered a thousand pounds for a pen-and-ink portrait of a provincial mayor--being asked to devote his graphic art1 his felicitous choice of words1 his gifts of insight and sympathy1 his genius1 in a word1 to the portrayal of a real live mayor--the same to be published in book-form1 asked for at the libraries1 and discussed at dinner-tables and in the reviews as a specimen of the season's art4 ,of course ,meredith would tell the man to go and be hanged 7in the ,academy72 but if he consented1 see what would take place4 ,the literary portrait involves1 of course1 both mind and body1 and practically the work would have to take the shape of a biography4 ,for some weeks the man would come to ,meredith's study and give him talkings4 ,at the first talking ,meredith would also make a sketch of the outside appearance of his subject4 ,here the resources of language far exceed those of colour4 ,the happy euphemism of language permits a squint to be described as an ambidexterity of vision2 it is even quite possible to omit an ill-regulated feature altogether4 ,suppose an artist paints a man without a nose--the defect sauterait aux yeux3 it would be as plain as the nose not upon his face4 ,but it is quite possible for the literary artist to omit a man's nose without attracting any attention4 ,the reader's imagination supplies the nose1 without even being conscious of its purveyorship4 ,as for the psychological portion of the portrait1 the author would be entirely dependent on the information given by the subject1 so that provincial mayors would develop unsuspected virtues4 ,where the difficulty would come in would be in the absence of darker qualities1 which would make literary chiaroscuro impossible4 ,it is quite likely1 though1 that as a result of the talkings the subject would unwittingly present the novelist with a real character who would appear in his next work of fiction1 and be entirely unrecognized either by the reader of the biography or its subject4 ,sidenote3 ,photography and ,realism ,no artist of the brush can afford to dispense with models2 when he draws from his inner consciousness the composition is tame and the draughtsmanship wild4 ,the novelist1 though his object is not portraiture1 but creation1 can as little afford to keep aloof from real men and women4 ,when ,george ,eliot ceased to draw from models and fell back on intuition and her library1 she produced ,daniel ,deronda4 ,but ,i would demur altogether to the use of photography in literary criticism as synonymous with realism4 ,the photograph is an utter misrepresentation of life1 and this not merely because of its false shades and its lack of colour1 but because the photographer is not content with literalness4 ,he aspires to art4 ,so far from being a realist1 he is the greatest idealist of all4 ,he not only puts you into poses you would never fall into naturally1 he not only arranges you so as to hide your characteristic uglinesses1 and bids you call up an expression you never use1 but he touches up and tones down after you are gone1 and treats his pictures1 indeed1 as though they were actors and he the dresser4 ,and as each photographer has his own style1 no two portraits are ever alike4 ,my portraits of ,annabel pass as a collection of pretty actresses4 ,still1 if they are not like one another1 they resemble one another in being unlike her4 ,the only good photographs ,i have ever seen of myself were done by an amateur--most of the others might just as well have been taken in my absence4 ,and there is always a painful neatness about photographs3 my humble study was once photographed1 and it looked like a princely library4 ,bags come out with artistic interstices1 fustian gleams like satin4 ,it is the true ,platonic touch1 glorifying and gilding everything4 ,filth itself would come out like roses4 ,no1 no1 let us hear no more about ,zola's photography4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,great ,unhung ,what becomes of all the old pins is a problem that worries many simple souls4 ,what becomes of all the rejected pictures is a question that seems to trouble nobody4 ,and yet at every exhibition the massacre of innocents is appalling4 ,the ,royal ,academy of ,london1 which is the most hospitable institution in the world toward wet paint1 still turns away very many more canvases than it admits4 ,their departure is like the retreat of the ,ten ,thousand4 ,into the ,salon one year six thousand eager frames crowded1 but when the public came to see1 only thirteen hundred were left to tell the tale-- ,all that was left of them1 ,left of six thousand4 ,more ruthless still was the slaughter in the ,new ,salon1 the ,salon of the ,champs de ,mars1 where the pictures were decimated4 ,out of two thousand seven hundred works sent in by outsiders1 only three hundred survived4 ,it is impossible to believe that ideal justice was done1 especially when we consider that the jury took only one day to consider the outcome of so many aspirations1 such manifold toil4 ,the pictures were wheeled past them on gigantic easels1 an interminable panorama4 ,even supposing that the gentlemen of the jury took a full working day of eight hours1 with no allowance for djeuner1 the average time for examining a picture works out at something like ten seconds4 ,in each minute of that fateful day the destiny of half a dozen pictures was decided4 ,verily1 our picture-connoisseur seems to have elevated criticism into an instinct--he is the smoothest human mechanism on record4 ,one wonders if the critic will ever be replaced by an automaton1 something analogous to the camera that has replaced the artist4 ,meantime1 the point is--what becomes of the refused1 those unwelcome revenants that return to lower the artist in the eyes of landladies and concierges8 ,sometimes1 we know1 the stone which the builders rejected becomes the corner-stone of the temple1 and the proscribed painter lives to despise publicly the judges in the gate4 ,but these revenges are rare1 and for the poor bulk of mankind the whirligig of time revolves but emptily4 ,the average artist rejected of one exhibition turns him to another1 and the leavings of the ,salon beat at the doors of ,antwerp and ,munich1 where the annual of art blooms a little later in the spring4 ,pitiful it is to follow a picture from refusal to refusal2 one imagines the painter sublime amid the litter of secretarial notifications1 gathering1 ,antaeus-like1 fresh strength from every fall1 and coming to a grim and gradual knowledge of the great cosmopolitan conspiracy4 ,one year the rejected of the ,academy were hung in ,london by an enterprising financier4 ,it was the greatest lift-up the ,academy had ever had4 ,even its enemies were silenced temporarily4 ,but the rejected may console themselves4 ,the accepted have scant advantage over them4 ,to sell a picture is becoming rarer and rarer1 and the dealer is no more respectful to the canvas that has achieved the honor of the catalogue than to that which has preserved the sequestration of the studio4 ,sometimes the unhung picture becomes the medium upon which another is painted 7for a picture is always worth the canvas it is painted on71 sometimes 7if it is large7 it is cut up and sold in bits1 sometimes it adorns the family dining-room1 or decorates the hall of a good-natured friend1 and sometimes1 after a variety of pecuniary adventures1 it becomes the proud possession of a millionaire4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,abolition of ,catalogues4 ,the average ,englishman takes his religion on ,sundays and his ,art in the spring4 ,influences that should permeate life are collected in chunks at particular seasons4 ,this is sufficient to prove how little they are really felt or understood4 ,the ,academy headache is the due penalty of hypocrisy4 ,it is the catalogue that is the greatest coadjutor of cant4 ,if pictures1 besides being hung1 were treated like convicts in becoming merely numbers1 without names either of painters or subjects1 what a delightful confusion of critical tongues would ensue6 ,but conceding that a picture should have the painter's name1 for the sake of the artist 7or his enemies71 ,i would propose that everything else be abolished4 ,it is not unfair to subject pictures to this severe test1 because1 of all forms of art1 painting is the one whose appeal is instantaneous1 simple and self-complete4 ,if a picture cannot speak for itself1 no amount of advocacy will save it4 ,if it tells a story 7which no good picture should71 let it at least do so without invoking the aid of the rival art of literature4 ,literature does not ask the assistance of pictures to make its meaning clear4 ,nor1 too1 is anything gained by calling colours harmonies or symphonies4 ,let such pictures strike their own chords and blow their own trumpets4 ,catalogues of all kinds are but props to artistic inefficiency4 ,if dumb-show plays did not rely on books of the words1 pantomime would have to become a finer art4 ,if ballets had no thread of narrative attached to them1 their constructors would be driven to achieve greater intelligibility1 or to give up trying for it--which were the more gratifying alternative4 ,so with the descriptions of symphonies we find in our programmes4 ,why should good music be translated into bad literature8 ,surely each art should be self-sufficient2 developing its effects according to its own laws6 ,a melody does not need to be painted1 nor a picture to be set to music4 ,the graceful evolutions of the dance are their own justification4 ,the only case in which ,i would allow a title to a picture is when it is a portrait4 ,that is an obvious necessity4 ,portrait-painting is a branch of art which demands recognition4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,artistic ,temperament ,there are two aspects of the artistic temperament--the active or creative side1 and the passive or receptive side4 ,it is impossible to possess the power of creation without possessing also the power of appreciation2 but it is quite possible to be very susceptible to artistic influences while dowered with little or no faculty of origination4 ,on the one hand is the artist--poet1 musician1 or painter2 on the other1 the artistic person to whom the artist appeals4 ,between the two1 in some arts1 stands the artistic interpreter--the actor who embodies the aery conceptions of the poet1 the violinist or pianist who makes audible the inspirations of the musician4 ,but in so far as this artistic interpreter rises to greatness in his field1 in so far he will be found soaring above the middle ground1 away from the artistic person1 and into the realm of the artist or creator4 ,joachim and ,de ,reszk1 ,paderewski and ,irving1 put something of themselves into their work2 apart from the fact that they could all do 7in some cases have done7 creative work on their own account4 ,so that when the interpreter is worth considering at all1 he may be considered in the creative category4 ,limiting ourselves1 then1 to these two main varieties of the artistic temperament1 the active and the passive1 ,i should say that the latter is an unmixed blessing1 and the former a mixed curse4 ,what1 indeed1 can be more delightful than to possess good aesthetic faculties--to be able to enjoy books1 music1 pictures1 plays6 ,this artistic sensibility is the one undoubted advantage of man over other animals1 the extra octave in the gamut of life4 ,most enviable of mankind is the appreciative person1 without a scrap of originality8 who has every temptation to enjoy1 and none to create4 ,he is the idle heir to treasures greater than ,india's mines can yield2 the bee that sucks at every flower1 and is not even asked to make honey4 ,for him poets sing1 and painters paint1 and composers write4 ,o fortunates nimium1 who not seldom yearn for the fatal gift of genius6 ,for this artistic temperament is a curse--a curse that lights on the noblest and best of mankind6 ,from the day of ,prometheus to the days of his ,english laureate it has been a curse ,to vary from the kindly race of men1 and the eagles have not ceased to peck at the liver of men's benefactors4 ,all great and high art is purchased by suffering--it is not the mechanical product of dexterous craftsmanship4 ,this is one part of the meaning of that mysterious ,master ,builder of ,ibsen's4 ,then ,i saw plainly why ,god had taken my little children from me4 ,it was that ,i should have nothing else to attach myself to4 ,no such thing as love and happiness1 you understand4 ,i was to be only a master builder--nothing else4 ,and the tense strings that give the highest and sweetest notes are most in danger of being overstrung4 ,but there are compensations4 ,the creative artist is higher in the scale of existence than the man1 as the man is higher than the beatified oyster for whose condition1 as ,aristotle pointed out1 few would be tempted to barter the misery of human existence4 ,the animal has consciousness1 man self-consciousness1 and the artist over-consciousness4 ,over-consciousness may be a curse1 but1 like the primitive curse--labour--there are many who would welcome it6 ,sidenote3 ,professional ,ethics ,there's no knowing where the artistic temperament may break out4 ,i don't think that a person ought to come to the binder and just say to him1 ',bind that book for so much money4' ,i think the binder ought to say1 ',is the book worth binding8' and that if it were not he ought to refuse4 ,the applications of this remarkable principle1 enunciated by a bookbinder1 are obvious4 ,applied universally it would reform the race4 ,the tailor1 when a man came to be measured1 would say1 ,yes1 but are you worth measuring8 and if he was out of drawing would refuse to dress him1 thus extruding deformity from the world and restoring the ,olympian gods4 ,the charwoman1 inspired by ,george ,herbert1 would not only sweep a room as by ,god's laws1 but would inquire whether it was worth sweeping2 the wine merchant would refuse wine to rich customers who did not deserve to drink it2 and the doctors would certainly not devote their best energies to keeping gouty old noblemen alive4 ,sidenote3 ,lay ,confessors ,we writers1 as ,beaeonsfield said to his sovereign1 are a good substitute for the confessional2 we like to be allowed peeps into the secret chambers of the heart4 ,the most miserable sinners may be as sure of our secrecy as of our absolution4 ,the more terrible the crime the better we are pleased4 ,so come and ease your labouring consciences1 and pour your sorrows into our sympathetic shorthand books1 and we will work you up the bare material of your lives so artistically that you are the veriest ,philistines if you shall not be rather glad to have sinned and suffered4 ,for deep down in our hearts lurks the belief that1 as ,jerome wittily puts it1 ,god created the world to give the literary man something to write about6 ,sidenote3 ,q4 ,e4 ,d4 ,novels ,a novel1 like a metaphor1 proves nothing3 't is merely a vivid pictorial presentation of a single case4 ,i have just read one novel aspiring to prove that a couple who skip the marriage ceremony cannot be happy ever after1 and another aspiring to prove that marriage is the one drawback to a happy union4 ,in reality both novels prove the same thing--that the author is a fool4 ,there is nothing ,i would not undertake to prove in a novel4 ,you have only to take an exceptional case and treat it as if it were normal4 ,aesop's fables could easily be rewritten to prove exactly the opposite morals1 just as there is no popular apothegm whose antidote may not be found in the same treasury of folk-wisdom3 ,never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day1 and ,sufficient for the day is the evil thereof2 ,penny wise1 pound foolish6 ,look after the pence and the pounds will take care of themselves4 ,in sooth ,i suffer from an inability to see the morals of stories--like the auditor who blunts the point of the drollest anecdote by inquiring ,and what happened then8 ,even the beautiful allegory of the three rings in ,nathan der ,weise1 always seems to me to throw considerable discredit on the father who set his sons wrangling over the imitation rings4 ,and1 inversely1 nothing seems easier to me than to invent fables to prove wrong morals3 e4g4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,mouse ,who ,died ,a pretty gray mouse was in the habit of sauntering from its hole every evening to pick up the ,crumbs in the ,dining ,boom4 ,what a pretty ,mouse6 said the ,householder1 and made more crumbs for ,mousie to eat4 ,so great a banquet was thus spread that the ,noble-hearted little ,mouse cheeped the news to its ,sisters and its ,cousins and its ,aunts1 and they all came every evening in the ,train of its ,tail to regale themselves on the remains of the ,repast4 ,dear1 dear6 cried the ,householder in despair1 the house is overrun with a plague of ,vermin4 ,and he mixed poison with the crumbs1 and the poor little pioneer ,mouse perished in contortions of agony4 ,moral3 ,don't4 ,sidenote3 ,theologic ,novels ,usually the speculations that first reach the great public through the medium of the novel have been familiar ad nauseam to the reading classes for scores of years4 ,conceive ,noah1 aroused by the grating of the ,ark upon the summit of ,mount ,ararat1 looking out of the window and exclaiming1 ,why1 it's been raining6 ,then imagine ,mrs4 ,noah1 catching an odd syllable of her husband's remark1 writing a love story to prove that the barometer portended showers4 ,finally1 picture the world looking in alarm for its umbrella1 and you have an image of the inception and effect of the modern ,mrs4 ,noah's theologic novel4 ,,mudie ,,measure4 ,ten lines make one page2 ,ten pages make one point2 ,two points make one chapter2 ,five chapters make one episode2 ,two episodes make one volume3 ,three volumes make one tired4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,prop of ,letters ,is it a bright or a black day for an author when he gets so popular that the big advertisers insist on having him in any organ in which they place their advertisements8 ,there can be no question but that it will be a black day for letters when the advertiser becomes the arbiter of literature1 as this newest development forebodes4 ,where is this leprosy of advertisement to stop8 ,already it covers almost our whole civilisation4 ,already the advertiser is a main prop of the press4 ,a ,,song ,,of ,,advertisements4 7,after ,whitman47 ,give me ,hornihand's ,pure ,mustard2 ,give me ,apple's ,soap1 with the negress laving the cherub2 ,give me ,bentley's ,brimstone ,tablets1 and ,ploughman's ,pills--those of the ,little ,liver4 7,o get me ads41 you agent with the frock-coat and the fountain pen1 ,you with the large commissions ,and the further discount on cash1 ,get me ads41 camarado6 ,full pages preferred1 though little ones not scorning1 ,for ,i scorn nothing1 my brother47 ,give me the ,alphabetical ,snuff2 ,give me ,electric ,batteries and ,false ,teeth2 also the ,tooth-powders2 ,give me all the ,soft ,soaps and the ,soothing ,syrups2 ,give me all the ,cocoas and ,cough ,lozenges and ,corsets2 ,give me ,infants' ,food--yea1 the diet of babes and sucklings2 ,give me the ,nibs and the ,beef ,essences1 and do not forget the ,typewriters4 7,forget nothing1 camarado1 for ,i1 the poet1 never forget anything47 ,give me of the ,fat of your agency1 and of the ,anti-,fat thereof6 ,and ,i will build you magazines1 high-class and well illustrated2 ,or pictureless volont1 the latter with heavier articles4 ,also newspapers1 daily and weekly1 with posters flamboyant1 ,that shall move the state and its pillars1 ,that shall preach the loftiest morals1 elevating the masses1 ,by the strength of advertisements1 ,by the mighty strength of advertisements6 ,it has been suggested that flypapers should be so sprinkled as to produce an aesthetic design in dead flies1 so as to introduce beauty into the homes of the poor4 ,it would be more in harmony with the age to lay out our public gardens with floral injunctions to use ,b's hair-dye and ,c's corn-plaster4 ,brag and display are the road to riches1 and the trail of vulgarity is over it all4 ,i take credit to myself for having been among the first to cry in the wilderness2 but the critics--bless them6--say it is all empty paradox4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,latter-day ,poet ,the one exception to the hunger for advertisement is the modern bard4 ,he achieves his vogue by limited editions1 and takes pains to prevent himself being an influence4 ,he acquires a factitious fame and an artificial value by printing only a few copies1 thus making his paper and print sought after rather than his matter4 ,it is all very well for a book to become rare by the vicissitudes of literary fortune1 but this machine-made rarity can only be prized by people who value their possessions merely because other people haven't got them4 ,the old minor poet was frenzied and unbought2 the new is calm and collected4 ,at this rate the greatest poets would be those of whose works only one copy is extant--in ,,ms4 ,bend1 bend the knee1 and bow the head ,to reverence the great unread1 ,the great unread and much-reviewed1 ,whose lines are treasured like the lewd1 ,his first editions prizes reckoned ,because there never was a second4 ,obscurely famous in his rut1 ,unknown1 unpopular1 uncut1 ,where ,byron thrilled a continent1 ,to thrill an auction-room content1 ,he struggles through oblivion's bogs1 ,to gain a place in--catalogues6 ,and falls asleep and joins the dust ,in simple hope and modest trust ,that1 though ,posterity neglect ,his bones1 his books it will collect1 ,and these will grow--,o prospect fair6-- ,from year to year more scarce and rare4 ,sidenote3 ,an ,attack of ,alliteration ,have you noticed the ,renaissance of alliteration in the new journalism8 ,the early ,english ,poets made alliteration the chief element of their poetry1 and in modern times ,swinburne has paid more attention to it 7and to rhyme7 than to meaning1 with the result that there has arisen a school of poets who don't mean anything--and say it4 ,in the olden days1 a bride was bonny1 and was requested to busk herself in consequence2 all of which was intelligible4 ,nowadays1 the poet would call a basilisk bonny rather than miss his alliteration4 ,is it because the new journalism is so imaginative and emotional that it throws off alliterative phrases as naturally and unconsciously as ,whittier confesses he did in writing ,the ,wreck of ,rivermouth8 ,it is sometimes difficult to believe that providence is not on the side of the evening bills4 ,when ,balmaceda died he committed ,suicide by ,shooting himself in ,santiago--of all places in the world4 ,boulanger1 if from a local point of view he died less satisfactorily1 was yet careful to employ a ,bullet4 ,it is for the sake of the phrase-makers that ,burglars good-naturedly prefer ,bermondsey1 and that ,tigers do not escape from their cages to play in ,tragedies till the show arrives at ,tewkesbury4 ,the ,baboon is already so largely alliterative in himself that it was an excess of generosity that made one recently attack an infant under such circumstances as to allow the report to be headed1 ,baby ,bitten by a ,baboon in a ,backyard at ,bow4 ,alliteration has become a mighty factor in politics3 it is fast replacing epigram1 while its effects on moral character are tremendous4 ,that hardened criminal1 ,mr4 ,balfour1 might have been a good man instead of a base brutal bully1 if his name had only commenced with an ,x4 ,he is a noteworthy martyr to the mania of the times4 ,i am convinced that the ,death of the ,duke of ,devonshire was accelerated by anxiety to please the sub-editors1 and it is a source of real regret to me to reflect that my own death can afford them no supplementary gratification of this nature4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,humorous ,to start anything exclusively funny is a serious mistake4 ,this was why poor ,henry ,j4 ,byron's ,mirth was so short-lived4 ,it died of laughing4 ,a friend of mine1 with a hopeless passion for psychological analysis1 says that the reason people do not laugh over comic papers is that the element of the unexpected is wanting4 ,this1 he claims1 is the essence of the comic4 ,you laugh over a humorous remark in the middle of a serious essay1 over a witty epigram flashed upon a grave conversation1 over the slipping into the gutter of a ponderous gentleman--it is the shock of contrast1 the flash of surprise1 that tickles4 ,now this explanation of why people do not laugh over comic papers is obviously wrong1 because you are surprised when you see a joke in a comic paper2 at the same time1 it contains an element of truth4 ,the books which gain a reputation for brilliance are those which are witty at wide intervals2 the writer who scintillates steadily stands in his own light4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,discount ,farce ,having started your magazine1 you will begin humorously enough by affixing a mock price to it4 ,what a strange world of make-believe it is6 ,we are so habituated to shams that we cannot help shamming even where there is nothing to be gained by it4 ,why is music published at four shillings when you can buy it for one and four1 or at most one and eight8 ,why are novels published at thirty-one and six and the magazines at a shilling8 ,shilling shockers are sold at ninepence1 which is as comical as selling tenpenny nails at sixpence4 ,the same principle rules in other trades4 ,it almost seems as if there is an ineradicable instinct in humanity for getting things below their price1 even if at more than their value4 ,hence the marked popularity of sales and reductions4 ,the idea of getting things cheap reconciles one to getting things one doesn't want4 ,the craze for cheap things leads one into frightful extravagance4 ,in some shops the weakness of humanity is pandered to without disguise1 and every article is ticketed with a little card1 from which the first price is carefully ruled out1 and even on the second price you get a discount for cash4 ,this same discount for cash is at least intelligible1 but business men are painfully familiar with another wonderful deduction4 ,after you wait months for your money1 you get a cheque less discount on payment4 ,this seems to involve an exasperating ,hibernicism4 ,on payment1 forsooth6 ,so long as it remains unpaid1 the debt due to you is1 say1 one hundred pounds4 ,but the moment you really get it1 it shrinks to ninety-five4 ,why not call it ninety-five at the start and be done with it8 ,but1 no6 men will not give up the subtle pleasure of discounts1 ineffably childish though it be4 ,the rather deaf lady who being asked six shillings a yard for stuff replied ,sixteen shillings a yard6 ,i'll give you eleven1 and who1 when her mistake was pointed out1 said ,i couldn't think of paying more than four and sixpence was a genuine type of the population of these islands4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,franchise ,farce ,one ,american defense of bribery is as clever as it is cynical4 ,it amounts to this3 that universal suffrage is such a peril to the commonweal that having been given prematurely1 it must insidiously be nullified in practice1 even at the cost of universal corruption2 in short1 if the old society is to be preserved1 universal franchise must be transformed into universal corruption4 ,what an ironic commentary on the constitution that was founded by ,george ,washington1 who couldn't tell a lie6 ,the honour of ,america1 it appears1 rooted in dishonour stands1 and faith unfaithful makes its politicians falsely true4 ,when one remembers some of the other gigantic evils of the society thus conserved by corruption1 when one thinks of the great immoral capitalists1 playing their game regardless of whom they ruin or whom they enrich1 when one thinks of the squalid slums of the great cities1 one wonders whether the society which these things shadow were not better damned4 ,it were cleaner1 at any rate1 to abolish universal franchise than to flaunt this farce in the eyes of ,europe4 ,if universal suffrage was a mistake1 if indeed the gift of the franchise does not develop a man's conscience and education--and certainly bribery is not the way to give him a chance of such development--then why not honestly admit that ,america has made this mistake1 that the ideals of the ,pilgrim ,fathers were inferior to ,tammany ,hall's1 and that even the negro is not a man and a brother8 ,does our ,american reply that it is impossible now to take back the franchise8 ,but on his own showing the electors merely regard it as an opportunity for extracting boodle4 ,all that would be impossible1 then1 is to take away this ancient concession without compensation4 ,the electors must be bought out at the full market-value of their votes1 with a few cents and corpse-revivers thrown in for their loss of amusement4 ,at every election dollars and drinks for the ex-electors would be circulating freely under the direction of the ,treasury4 ,and1 ex hypothesi1 the bulk1 or a number of electors sufficient to annul the danger to society1 will accept the liquidation1 and thus the dishonest will be honestly weeded out of the electorate4 ,but if the cynics were wrong1 and there remained among the poorer electorate men sufficiently honest to retain their votes1 and sufficiently numerous to swamp the old society--why1 then the devil take the old society6 ,the object of government is only the good of the majority1 and these men1 being the majority1 have every right to select their own form of good4 ,if they were mistaken1 nature would soon convince them of their mistake1 and the next generation would profit by the object-lesson4 ,demos would go on1 a sadder and a wiser man4 ,the solution of the question is that the people must not only govern3 it must be fit to govern4 ,to corrupt it with dollars1 to drowse it with drink1 is only to put off the inevitable day4 ,it were far wiser to help it to educate itself for its functions4 ,for1 if the revolutionary economic ideas that are in the air are false1 they will destroy themselves4 ,and if they are true1 they have got to be realised1 and will get themselves realised4 ,no amount of corruption will save society in the long run4 ,meantime1 either let universal suffrage operate honestly1 or let it be suspended or abolished4 ,let even those ,states which have enfranchised the black man1 and which now1 in accordance with the deep ,machiavellian principle1 brazenly revealed by our ,american1 dishonestly render his vote nugatory by a reliable inaccuracy in the counting1 withdraw their spurious ,christianity4 ,a double standard of morals subtly infects the whole core of the nation4 ,corruption cannot be localised2 it creeps and spreads through all departments of thought and action4 ,to give with the right hand1 and take away with the left in exchange for a few dollars1 is a manoeuvre unworthy of a great nation4 ,the transaction is fair2 let it be above board1 let it be lifted into the plane of ethics4 ,to found society upon a farce is to lower those ideals by which1 as much as by bread1 a nation lives4 ,sidenote3 ,the ,modern ,war ,farce ,the horrors of war seem to have reached the vanishing point in our latest ,african campaign4 ,the smallness of the ,english losses is appalling4 ,i do not see the fun of fighting 7i4e41 of paying taxes7 if all the spice and relish is to be taken out of the results4 ,i want more blood for my money--hecatombs of corpses4 ,two men killed in a whole battle8 ,ridiculous6 ,if ,i cannot have my war at my own doors1 and hear the bands and the cannon ,i have paid for1 ,i must at least have sensational battle-fields--,actiums and ,waterloos and ,marengos4 ,what is the use of war if it does not even serve to reduce our surplus population8 ,soldiering was never so healthy an occupation as to-day2 one fights only a few days a year at the utmost1 and if the pay is poor1 so is that of the scavenger and the engine-driver and the miner1 and everybody else who does the dirty work of civilisation1 and does it1 too1 without pomp and circumstance and brass bands and laureates4 ,sidenote3 ,fireworks ,if people cannot do without sulphur and noise1 there are always fireworks4 ,it is difficult to imagine festivity without them1 and yet there must have been a time when rockets did not rise or ,catherine wheels go round4 ,you cannot have fireworks without gunpowder1 and every school-boy knows that gunpowder was only invented in--,i haven't got a dictionary of dates handy4 ,surely we ought to let off fireworks on ,roger ,bacon's birthday4 ,they let off fireworks when he was born1 say the ,french in a slyly witty proverb1 which is a circumlocutory way of saying that a man won't set the ,thames on fire4 ,for he has not invented gunpowder is the ,french equivalent for this idiom of ours1 and it is obvious to the meanest intellect that a man whose birth was celebrated by fireworks could not have been the inventor of gunpowder4 ,and yet there were fireworks of a kind from the earliest times1 from the first appearance of stars in the firmament with their wandering habits and shooting expeditions4 ,and1 indeed1 did not humanity long regard the heavens as a firework show for its amusement1 a set piece entirely for its delectation8 ,mankind has always been fond of playing with fire--ever since ,prometheus stole it from heaven and burnt his fingers4 ,i am convinced the ancients only used bonfires for messages so as to enjoy the flare-up on the mountains4 ,who would not fight when summoned by a tongue of flame8 ,and the red glare on ,skiddaw roused the burghers of ,carlisle4 ,roman candles were unknown to the ,romans1 but they enjoyed themselves with torches1 and these were the fireworks at wedding ftes4 ,the golden rain in which ,jupiter wooed ,dana was another sort of hymeneal fireworks4 ,there were fireworks at the destruction of ,sodom and ,gomorrah4 ,the love of fireworks is a natural passion4 ,does not nature amuse herself with fireworks1 especially on tropical summer nights8 ,she loves to flash her lightnings 7which are not to be put out by the rain71 and to crash her thunder 7which1 as everybody knows1 is only the report of the meeting of two electric clouds74 ,and who does not admire her grand pyrotechnic display--twice daily--at sunrise and at sunset1 or her celebrated local effect1 the ,aurora ,borealis8 ,i have loved fireworks from boyhood1 and would rather have had dry bread and fireworks than cake with jam4 ,in manhood often ,i have listened to the long-drawn ecstatic aw of the ,crystal ,palace crowd4 ,i have even written a poem on fireworks4 ,here it is3-- ,a dazzling fiery show of sphery rainbows1 ,whereof each wonder1 monarch of a moment1 ,yields up its glory to the next one's splendour1 ,and sadly sinks into the arms of darkness4 ,is it not a true simile of the favour of the fickle crowd8 ,the most brilliant phenomena are forgotten after a moment4 ,life and ,time are full of such fireworks--religions1 philosophies1 fashions1 dynasties4 ,and overhead the sure stars shine on4 ,in literature fireworks rarely last4 ,they are too clever to live4 ,a humble rushlight lasts longer4 ,all fireworks are unsound1 says ,steinitz4 ,he is talking of chess1 and chess is very much like life4 ,whistler has painted fireworks--,i mean literally--in his blue and silver nocturne of old ,battersea ,bridge4 ,tennyson has painted them in his ,welcome to ,alexandra and elsewhere4 ,flash1 ye cities1 in rivers of fire6 ,rush to the roof1 sudden rocket1 and higher1 ,melt into stars for the land's desire6 ,sudden rocket4 ,how good the adjective is6 ,a poet ,i know spent hall a day in finding the correct epithet for rockets1 and was equally pleased and annoyed to discover subsequently that he had chosen the same adjective as the ,master4 ,sidenote3 ,time's ,forelock4 ,nowadays we let off all our fireworks a day before the fair and tug ,time by his forelock4 ,a magazine coming out in ,january must be dated ,february at the very earliest4 ,we go ahead in an ,irish-,american sense1 and cannot endure not to be in advance of our age4 ,we live entirely in the future1 and are too busy to live just at present4 ,christmas falls late in ,october and extends to the end of ,november1 the period being marked by heavy showers of ,christmas numbers4 ,the ,jews begin all their festivals the day before1 and ,christmas is by far the most ,jewish of our holidays4 ,our evening papers come out in the morning1 though this will right itself in time1 for they are getting earlier and earlier1 and will ultimately come out the evening before4 ,dr4 ,johnson's line about ,shakespeare1 ,and panting ,time toils after him in vain1 is truer of the man of to-day4 ,what's that you say8 ,all this has been said before8 ,naturally4 ,sidenote3 ,diaries4 ,who is the most marvellous man8 ,he who keepeth a diary4 ,and by keeping a diary ,i mean keeping it for the whole year1 from ,january #ast to ,december #cast--keeping it1 moreover1 by daily entry4 ,only one year in my life did ,i succeed in filling up every department of the three hundred and sixty-five1 and even then ,i was often in arrears4 ,diaries are for those who lead cloistral lives and pure1 so that the task is trivial1 and whatsoever record of their own leap to light they shall not be shamed4 ,diaries are not for those whose existence is a whirlpool2 for such the blank page is an added perturbation1 a haunting whiteness beseeching the blackness of diurnal autobiography1 an ,i ,o ,u that calls for instant satisfcation4 ,to the spontaneous vexings of conscience has been added an artificial pricking at the neglect of a supererogatory duty4 ,how have ,i blonched to see day adding itself to day1 unrecorded1 time flying without being kodak'd on the wing2 and each new neglect retarding the day of reckoning even while it aggravated it6 ,then have ,i felt myself sinking beneath the self-imposed ,yoke1 intolerable1 not to be borne ,of the too vast orb of my fate1 yearning for a smaller circumference and a shorter biography4 ,at the outset one begins a diary1 as one practises a new virtue1 or plays with a new toy--enthusiastically4 ,for the first few days of ,january the entries are rich in psychological and episodical matter4 ,then gradually the interest trails off2 to the fertile plains of narrative and analysis succeeds a barren desert1 relieved only by a few dates of appointments4 ,with ,mark ,twain it will be remembered the entries were reduced to ,got up1 washed1 went to bed4 ,the keeping of a diary is generally the first ,new ,year resolution to be broken4 ,how eloquent these old diaries filled up for a month or two--and the rest silence6 ,on second thoughts there is a more marvellous than the most marvellous man4 ,it is he who keepeth a pecuniary diary4 ,i know one such4 ,he has kept a perfect and absolutely complete record of every farthing he has laid out since the days when farthings were his standard of currency4 ,which of us would dare do this1 or1 doing1 would dare cast a backward glance on the financial past8 ,there is a crude1 relentless actuality about items of expenditure1 not to be softened by euphemistic phrasing4 ,surely a truer proverb than any of its species would be3 ,tell me what you buy1 and ,i'll tell you what you be4 ,and to think1 in reviewing your pecuniary biography1 that1 though you owe no man a farthing1 you have still to pay the bill2 that many things you have bought have yet to be paid for over and over again1 as the ,master ,builder said1 over and over again4 ,sidenote3 ,looking ,backward ,looking backward is a luxury which should be indulged in only moderation--say once in fifty years4 ,the preachers will tell you differently4 ,but life is so restless and feverish nowadays that there is no time for obeying the preachers4 ,it is as much as we can do to find time to listen to them4 ,goethe says1 ,he who looks forward sees only one way to pursue1 but he who looks backward sees many4 ,this is the last word on the subject4 ,it speaks volumes4 ,but as you cannot walk through any of those backways1 what is the use of bothering to look for them8 ,true1 your own experience enables you to give advice to others4 ,but advice is a drug in the market4 ,what am ,i saying8 ,a drug6 ,no1 no6 ,even a drug is taken sometimes4 ,advice never is4 ,we learn only from our own mistakes1 and when it is too late to profit by them4 ,no2 there is not much profit in looking backwards4 ,often it tends to make you pessimistic1 to sap your energy1 to petrify you1 as it did ,lot's wife4 ,at other times1 contrariwise1 it makes you expel such salt as is already in you1 dissolved in tears-- ,so sweet1 so sad1 the days that are no more4 ,yet what is this but another form of ,buskin's ,pathetic fallacy8 ,those divinely sweet1 sad days were in reality just as commonplace as to-day4 ,life is a chaos of comic confusion1 ,past things alone take a halo harmonious2 ,so from illusion we wake to illusion1 ,each as the rest just as true and erroneous4 ,a familiar form of the new illusion we wake to is seen in the exclamation that so often follows retrospection3 ,oh1 what a fool ,i was6 ,as a rule1 nothing can be more conceited than this use of the past tense4 ,a few people1 perhaps1 can look back complacently upon a well-spent life 7wherein all the years have been laid out to advantage1 and every hour has been made to go as far as seventy-five minutes1 and every odd second has been worth a row of pins at least72 but ,i should not care to meet them4 ,for the bulk of us it is best to press on1 doing what our hand findeth to do1 and letting the dead past bury its dead4 ,it is quite enough to know we cannot escape paying the funeral bills4 ,one of my friends found himself let in for the discharge of a number of extra bills1 owing to his retrospective proclivities4 ,he was just beginning to overcome the adverse financial fates when1 taking a complacent survey of his past1 he was horrified to find it bristling with forgotten debts4 ,looking backward nearly ruined that man4 ,another of my friends lost his life entirely through it4 ,he was an old man and a celebrity1 and a publisher offered him #bjjj for his memoirs4 ,unfortunately my friend had a very bad memory and no diaries1 and1 like my other friend1 he was conscientious4 ,the publisher's offer tantalized him terribly4 ,he did not know what to do4 ,at last1 in despair1 he determined to drown himself4 ,on the moment before his death all his past life would come back to him and pass before his mental vision4 ,of course ,i was to rescue him the instant he lost consciousness1 have him rubbed with hot towels and the rest of it4 ,we went out bathing together1 and everything came off as arranged1 all except his resurrection4 ,he was too old for such experiments4 ,a cynical ,frenchman has defined life as the collection of recollections for the time when you shall have no memory4 ,it is1 at any rate1 true 7and the preachers are welcome to the moral7 that the keenest joys of the senses leave a scant deposit in the memory1 and that if sensual pleasures are doubled in anticipation1 it is the spiritual that are doubled in looking backward4 ,sidenote3 ,long ,lives ,just as there are many persons of whose existence you are unaware till you read their obituaries1 so there are many of whose celebrity you are ignorant till you see the advertisement of their biographies4 ,on all sides we are flooded with big books about little people4 ,what is this new disease that has come upon us8 ,life is short but a ,life is long4 ,can there be any one man in this great procession of the suns who deserves the two royal octavo volumes1 which is the least monument that the pious biographer builds8 ,the perspective is all wrong4 ,bossuet got the history of the world into a fifth of the space4 ,how keen must be the struggle for life amid these shoals of ,lives4 ,how futile and vain this aspiration for a ,life beyond the grave6 ,vainer still the bid for immortality1 when one's own hand raises the mendacious memorial4 ,it is an open question whether even ,marie ,bashkirtseff's self-hewn shrine will stand--she1 who sacrificed her life to her ,life4 ,if it does1 it will not be by virtue of its veracity4 ,i would not trust ,george ,washington himself to write a perfectly accurate record of a prior day4 ,as for the average biography1 it is but the ,in ,memoriam of memory4 ,a friend of mine has written some excellent fiction and some entertaining reminiscences2 only he has mis-labelled his books1 and called his fiction reminiscences1 and his reminiscences fiction4 ,,vive ,,la ,,mort6 ,wherefore do the critics rage8 ',t is the ,biographic ,age4 ,every dolt who duly died ,in a book is glorified ,uniformly with his betters2 ,all his unimportant letters ,edited by writers gifted1 ,every scrap of ,,ms4 sifted1 ,classified by dates and ages1 ,pages multiplied on pages1 ,till the man is--for their pains-- ,buried 'neath his own ,remains4 ,every day the craze grows stronger1 ,art is long1 but lives are longer4 ,those who were the most in view ,block the stage post mortem too4 ,hark the tongues of either sex-- ,reminiscences of ,x6 ,of his juvenile affections ,hundreds write their ,recollections1 7,none will recollect their writings7 ,telling of his love for whitings ,fried in butter1 or his fancy ,for bananas1 buns1 and ,nancy4 ,thank the gracious gods on high1 ,every day some ,life must die3 ,death alone is our salvation4 ,though'tisdubious consolation ,that of all these countless ,lives ,only the unfit survives4 ,sidenote3 ,men and ,bookmen ,the literary market is inundated with people who have no right to a stall4 ,aristocrats are badgered for books merely because they have the titles2 and to have achieved success in any other profession than literature is the surest recommendation to the favour of the publishers4 ,if ,i had to start my literary career over again1 ,i should commence by hopping on one leg through the ,pyrenees1 or figuring in a big divorce case2 anything short of assassination1 which makes one's success too posthumous4 ,it is most unfair1 this doubling of the parts of doing and writing4 ,our modern heroes and heroines are quite too self-conscious2 amid all their deeds of derring-do they have their eye on ,mudie's4 ,the old way was better4 ,even before the ,pyramids were reared1 when books were pictures and letters were cuneiform1 heroes had their poets and kings their laureates4 ,you can no more imagine ,agamemnon1 after the fall of ,troy1 rushing off to write an account of it for ,bentley's1 than you can imagine ,helen certifying that she found ,pears' soap matchless for the complexion4 ,it was better for the heroes as well as for the writers4 ,aeneas would never have dared to draw such constant attention to his piety as ,virgil does2 and even ,louis ,quatorze would have hesitated to describe the taking of ,namur in the language of ,boileau-- ,et vous1 vents1 faites silence3 ,je vais parler de ,louis4 ,the true hero nowadays is the man who conquers himself and does not write books4 ,sidenote3 ,james ,i4 on ,tobacco ,but even ancient kings did write sometimes1 as witness this of ,james ,i3 ,i hold it aye to be a ,kings part to the ,body-,politicke of all euils excesses1 would fain demonstrate afresh to my dear ,countrey-men how abhorrent to ,heauen is this stinking incense that ascendeth day night2 but amid the heat burden of the day ,i cannot find an hour to examine into this matter de nouo1 must needs be content with commending to the readers of ,without ,prejudice my booklet1 ,a ,counterblaste to ,tobacco1 imprinted ,anno #afjd1 wherein they will find the abuses of this foreign custome duly set forth at length4 ,but1 on second thoughts1 perchance these moderns read nothing but what is under their noses1 so ,i will shortly recapitulate my main positions1 merely adding that my objections to ,smoak are to-day even stronger than when ,i wrote4 7#a7 ,it is a fallacie of the vulgar that because the braines of men are colde wet1 therefore ,tobacco ,smoak1 being hote and dry1 is good for them2 a conclusion which no more followeth on the ,premiss than the ,ratiocination of one who should apply a cake of cold lead to his stomacke1 because the ,liver1 being the fountaine of blood1 is always hote4 ,moreover1 the ,smoak hath also a venomous qualitee4 7#b7 ,it is a vulgar fallacie that the affection of mankind for the ,practise is a proof that it is good for them2 inasmuch as men are ledd astray by a mode1 furthermore1 the affectation conceit of the patient persuadeth him he is benefited2 yet how shall one drug cure of all diseases men of all complexions8 7#c7 ,men are by this custom disabled in their goods1 spending many pounds a year upon this precious stinke1 and are no better than drunkards4 7#d7 ,it is a great iniquitee against all humanity that the husband shall not bee ashamed to reduce thereby his delicate1 wholesome and cleane complexioned wife to that extremitee that either shee must also corrupt her sweete breath therewith1 or else resolve to live in a perpetual stinking torment4 ,in short1 tis a custome lothsome to the eye1 hateful to the ,nose1 harmefull to the braine1 dangerous to the ,lungs1 in the blacke stinking fume thereof neerest resembling the horrible ,stigian smoke of the pit that is bottomeless4 ,sidenote3 ,a ,counterblaste to ,james ,i4 ,so please your ,majestie1 ,i would beg leave in all loyaltie service to cry you mercy on behalf of the foreign weed1 ,tobacco1 which stands for all time condemned by the potent ,counterblaste of a monarch1 the maruelle of ,christendom1 whose brow hath borne at once the bays of ,apollo1 the laurels of ,mars1 the crownes of ,scotia ,anglia4 ,and imprimis ,i would venture humbly to obserue that your ,majesties arguments are to the last ,degree asinine4 ,euen the title--which1 as is customarie with great personages1 is the best part of your ,majesties book--is marred by an unseemlie concession to paronomasia4 ,that your ,majesties manifold abuses of the ,logicks may be better espied1 ,i will take them seriatim4 7#a7 ,the ground founded upon the ,theoricke of a deceiuable apparence of ,reason--your ,majestie is mistaken in thinking that ,i hold it a sure aphorisme in the ,physickes4 ,for the braines are neuer colde wet saue when there is water on them2 those who do not ,smoak haue no braines for ,tobacco to benefit4 7#b7 ,your ,majesties argumentation proueth how zealously your ,majestie striueth to liue up to the nickname of the ,british ,solomon4 ,and1 of a veritie1 ,i could not myself run atilt more cunningly at this popular fallacie2 though ,i might back up your ,majestie with a most transparent illustration--to wit1 that the affection of ,mankind for monarchs is no proof that they are good for them4 7#c7 ,i denie that ,tobacco wastes ones substance1 ,i would refer your ,majestie to my demonstration of the ,extrauagance of not smoaking4 7#d7 ,and is it not an advantage that it resembleth to the ,stigian smoak of the pit8 ,the more we accustom ourselves thereto1 the lesse we shall suffer when we join your ,majestie4 ,will your ,majestie kindlie recommend a ,brande8 ,nor can ,i conclude without a word as to the ill-taste of that supplement to your ,majesties booklet--a tax of ,six ,shillings ,eighte-,pence uppon euery ,pounde-,waighte of ,tobacco1 ouer aboue the ,custome of ,two ,pence uppon the ,pound-,waighte usuallye paide heretofore4 ,did your ,majestie hope to effect so little by ,reason that your ,majestie must needs fall back on ,reuenue8 ,hauing challenged this habit by the ,kings pen1 how unmannerly to resort to the coastguards cutlass fight the custome at the ,custome ,house4 ,was it1 perhaps1 that your ,majestie was wishful to promote ,english ,agriculture or was getting up a cornere in ,cabbaiges8 ,howsoever1 ,smoak hath suruiued the ,stuarts4 ,may ,i offer your ,majestie a ,cigarre8 ,sidenote3 ,valedictory ,and now1 gentle reader1 the hour has come for parting4 ,you have kept me company a long time2 tolerant of all my whimsies and vagaries1 and not too restive when ,i became serious and heavy4 ,i have written for you in many places and in many moods1 and ,i cannot hope to have escaped the mood of dulness4 ,up6 up6 my ,friend1 and quit your books2 ,or surely you'll grow double2 ,up6 up6 my ,friend1 and clear your looks3 ,why all this toil and trouble8 ,ah1 dear ,wordsworth1 't is easy enough to answer your question4 ,still1 at last the pen falls from my tired fingers4 ,books6 't is a dull and endless strife3 ,come1 hear the woodland linnet6 ,how sweet his music6 ,on my life1 ,there's more of wisdom in it4 ,yes1 ,i will go down and hear the woodland linnet1 there is one in the bird-shop round the corner4 ,ah me6 he will not pipe--his is the wisdom of silence4 ,never mind2 the pavements are flooded with sunshine1 and the folk are walking gaily1 and the omnibuses roll along top-heavy1 and there is a blue strip of sky over the ,strand4 ,yes1 ,spring is here1 and the violets are blooming in the old women's baskets4 ,how happy everybody seems6 ,even the sandwich-men have lost their doleful air4 ,the sap is stirring in their boards4 ,they are dreaming of their ancient springtides1 when they edited magazines or played ,hamlet4 ,and so1 having taken up my pen again to tell you how ,i dropped it1 let me not lay it down without bidding you a fond and last farewell--without prejudice4