,illustration3 ,faithfully1 yours1 ,fanny ,stenhouse ,,an ,,englishwoman ,,in ,,utah3 ,,the ,,story ,,of ,a ,life's ,experience in ,mormonism4 ,an ,autobiography3 ,,by ,,mrs4 ,t4 ,b4 ,h4 ,,stenhouse1 ,,of ,,salt ,,lake ,,city1 ,,for ,,more ,,than ,,twenty-,,five ,,years ,,the ,,wife ,,of ,a ,,mormon ,,missionary ,,and ,,elder4 ,,with ,,introductory ,,preface ,,by ,,mrs4 ,,harriet ,,beecher ,,stowe4 ,,including ,a ,,full ,,account ,,of ,,the ,,mountain ,,meadows ,,massacre1 ,,and ,,of ,,the ,,life1 ,,confession1 ,,and ,,execution ,,of ,,bishop ,,john ,d4 ,,lee4 ,,fully ,,illustrated4 ,london3 ,,sampson ,,low1 ,,marston1 ,,searle1 ,,rivington1 ,,crown ,,buildings1 #ahh1 ,,fleet ,,street4 #ahhj4 ,all rights reserved4 ,,to ,,my ,,children2 ,,with ,,all ,a ,,mother',s ,,love ,,and ,,tenderness1 ,,this ,,volume1 ,,the ,,story ,,of ,,my ,,life',s ,,experience1 ,,is ,,affectionately ,,inscribed4 ,,preface ,,by ,,mrs4 ,,harriet ,,beecher ,,stowe4 ,in these pages1 a woman1 a wife and mother1 speaks the sorrows and oppressions of which she has been the witness and the victim4 ,it is because her sorrows and her oppressions are those of thousands1 who1 suffering like her1 cannot or dare not speak for themselves1 that she thus gives this history to the public4 ,it is no sensational story1 but a plain1 unvarnished tale of truth1 stranger and sadder than fiction4 ,our day has seen a glorious breaking of fetters4 ,the slave-pens of the ,south have become a nightmare of the past2 the auction-block and whipping-post have given place to the church and school-house2 and the songs of emancipated millions are heard through our land4 ,may we not then hope that the hour is come to loose the bonds of a cruel slavery whose chains have cut into the very hearts of thousands of our sisters--a slavery which debases and degrades womanhood1 motherhood1 and the family8 ,let every happy wife and mother who reads these lines give her their sympathy1 prayers1 and aid to free her sisters from this degrading bondage4 ,let all the womanhood of the country stand united for them4 ,there is a power in combined enlightened sentiment and sympathy before which every form of injustice and cruelty must finally go down4 ,may ,he who came to break every yoke hasten this deliverance6 ,,harriet ,,beecher ,,stowe4 ,,preface4 ,in the fall of the year #ahfi1 a few earnest1 thinking men1 members of the ,mormon ,church1 and living in ,salt ,lake ,city1 inaugurated what was regarded at the time as a grand schism4 ,those who had watched with anxiety the progress of ,mormonism1 hailed the 8,new ,movement0 as the harbinger of the work of disintegration so long anticipated by the thoughtful-minded ,saints1 and believed that the opposition to ,theocracy1 then begun1 would continue until the extraordinary assumptions of the ,mormon priesthood were exploded1 and ,mormonism itself should lose its political status and find its place only among the singular sects of the day4 ,it was freely predicted that ,woman1 in her turn1 would accept her part in the work of reformation1 take up the marriage question among the ,saints1 and make an end of ,polygamy4 ,little did ,i imagine1 at that period1 that any such mission as that which ,i have since realized as mine1 was in the ,providence of ,time awaiting me1 or that ,i should ever have the boldness1 either with tongue or pen1 to plead the cause of the ,women of ,utah4 ,but1 impelled by those unseen influences which shape our destinies1 ,i took my stand with the 8heretics20 and1 as it happened1 my own was the first woman's name enrolled in their cause4 ,the circumstances which wrought a change in my own life produced a corresponding revolution in the life of my husband4 ,in withdrawing from the ,mormon ,church1 we laid ourselves1 our associations1 and the labours of over twenty years1 upon the altar1 and took up the burden of life anew4 ,we had sacrificed everything in obedience to the 8counsel0 of ,brigham ,young2 and my husband1 to give a new direction to his mind1 and also to form some plan for our future life1 thought it advisable that he should visit ,new ,york4 ,he did so2 and shortly after employed himself in writing a history of the 8,rocky ,mountain ,saints10 which has since been published4 ,in course of time1 the burden of providing for a large family1 and the anxiety and care of conducting successfully a business among a people who make it a religious duty to sternly set their faces against those who dissent from their faith1 exhausted my physical and mental strength4 ,considering1 therefore1 that change might be beneficial to me1 and my own personal affairs urgently calling me to ,new ,york ,city1 ,i followed my husband thither4 ,on my way ,east ,i met a highly-valued friend of my family1 who1 in the course of our journey together over the ,pacific ,railroad1 enthusiastically urged me to tell the story of my past life1 and to give to the world what ,i knew about ,polygamy4 ,i had been repeatedly advised to do so by friends at home1 but up to that time no plan had been arranged for carrying out the suggestion4 ,i had hardly arrived in ,new ,york before the electric messenger announced that a severe snow-storm was raging on the vast plains between the ,rocky ,mountains and the ,missouri ,river1 and for several weeks all traffic over the ,union ,pacific ,railroad was interrupted1 and ,i could not return to my home in the distant ,west4 ,that unlooked-for snow-blockade became seriously annoying2 for not only was ,i most anxious to return to my children1 but also1 never having known an idle hour1 ,i could not live without something to do4 ,at that moment of unsettled feeling1 a lady-friend1 with whom ,i was visiting1 suggested again 8the book20 and she would not permit me to leave her house until she had exacted from me a promise that it should be written4 ,next morning ,i began my task in earnest4 ,i faithfully kept my room and laboured unremittingly2 and in three weeks the manuscript of my little work on 8,polygamy in ,utah0 was completed4 ,it was very kindly welcomed by the press--both secular and religious--and for this ,i was sincerely grateful4 ,i had not1 up to that time1 thought of much else than its effect upon the people of ,utah2 but the voluminous notices which that little book received showed the deep interest which the people of the ,united ,states had taken in 8the ,mormon question10 and how ardently they desired to see the extinction of the polygamic institution among the ,saints4 ,in ,salt ,lake ,city ,i was so situated that ,i was daily--,i might almost say hourly--brought in contact with visitors to the ,modern ,zion2 for1 during the summer1 thousands of travellers pass over the ,pacific ,railroad4 ,not a few of these called to see me2 and ,i received from ladies and gentlemen--whose kind interest in my welfare ,i felt very deeply--many personal attentions1 many words of sympathy and encouragement1 and many intelligent and useful suggestions in respect to my future life4 ,indeed1 ,i saw myself quite unexpectedly1 and1 ,i may truthfully say1 without my own desire1 become an object of interest4 ,by the earnest suggestions of friends and strangers1 and by the widely published opinions of the press1 ,i was made to feel that ,i had only begun my work--that ,i had but partly drawn aside the veil that covered the worst oppression and degradation of woman ever known in a civilized country4 ,nearly all who spoke to me expressed their surprise that intelligent men and women should be found in communion with the ,mormon ,church1 in which it was so clearly evident that the teachings of ,christianity had been supplanted by an attempt to imitate the barbarism of ,oriental nations in a long past age1 and the sweet influences of the religion of ,jesus were superseded by the most objectionable practices of the ancient ,jews4 ,how persons of education and refinement could ever have embraced a faith that prostrated them at the feet of the ,mormon ,prophet1 and his successor ,brigham ,young1 was to the inquiring mind a perfect mystery4 ,the numerous questions which ,i had to answer1 and the explanations which ,i had to give1 showed me that my little book had only whetted the appetite of the intelligent investigator1 and that there was a general call for a woman's book on ,mormonism--a book that should reveal the inner life of the ,saints1--exhibit the influences which had contributed to draw ,christian people away from ,christian ,churches to the standard of the ,american ,prophet1 ,joseph ,smith1 and subject them to the power of that organization which has1 since his death1 subjugated the mass of the ,mormon people in ,utah to the will and wickedness of the ,priesthood under the leadership of ,brigham ,young4 ,a few months after the publication of my first book1 ,i was invited to lecture upon 8,polygamy in ,utah20 and wherever ,i spoke ,i observed the same spirit of inquiry1 and met with a renewed demand for more of circumstance and narrative--which ,i had1 from a sense of personal delicacy1 withheld in my former work4 ,i saw no way of satisfying myself and others than by accepting the rather spiteful invitation of a certain ,mormon paper to 8,,tell ,,it ,,all20 and this1 in a narrative of my own personal experience1 which ,i now present to the reader1 ,i have endeavoured to do4 ,not being in any sense a literary woman1 or making any pretensions as a writer1 ,i hope to escape severe criticism from the public and the press4 ,i had a simple story to tell--the story of my life and of the wrongs of women in ,utah4 ,startling and terrible facts have fallen under my observation4 ,these also ,i have related2 but my constant effort has been to tell my story in the plainest1 simplest way1 and1 while avoiding exaggeration1 never to shrink from a straightforward statement of facts4 ,i have disguised nothing1 and palliated nothing2 and ,i feel assured that those who from their actual and intimate acquaintance with ,mormonism in ,utah as it really is1 are capable of passing a just and impartial judgment upon my story1 will declare without hesitation that ,i have told 8the truth1 the whole truth and nothing but the truth40 ,,fanny ,,stenhouse4 ,,salt ,,lake ,,city1 ,,utah4 ,,contents4 ,,chap4 ,,page ,i4 ,,my ,,early ,,life #a ,,ii4 ,,my ,,first ,,introduction ,,to ,,mormonism #g ,,iii4 ,,the ,,labour ,,of ,,my ,,life ,,begun--,,how ,,the ,,mormon ,,missionaries ,,made ,,converts #af ,,iv4 ,,life ,,among ,,the ,,saints--,,my ,,new ,,engagements #be ,v4 ,,the ,,first ,,whisperings ,,of ,,polygamy #cc ,,vi4 ,,my ,,husband',s ,,mission--,i ,,am ,,left ,,alone #da ,,vii4 ,,our ,,mission ,,in ,,switzerland--,,mutterings ,,of ,,the ,,coming ,,storm #ef ,,viii4 ,,the ,,revelation ,,on 8,,celestial ,,marriage0 #fg ,,ix4 ,,missionary ,,work--,,teaching ,,polygamy #gf ,x4 ,,mormonism ,,in ,,england--,,preparing ,,to ,,emigrate #hf ,,xi4 ,,emigrating ,,to ,,zion--,,we ,,arrive ,,in ,,new ,,york #ig ,,xii4 ,,life ,,in ,,new ,,york--,,conducting ,a ,,mormon ,,paper #ajc ,,xiii4 ,,saintly ,,pilgrims ,,on ,,the ,,way--,,the 8,,divine0 ,,hand-,,cart ,,scheme #aaa ,,xiv4 ,a ,,terrible ,,story--,,the ,,hand-,,cart ,,emigrants ,,crossing ,,the ,,plains #abc ,,xv4 ,,mary ,,burton',s ,,story ,,continued--,,terrible ,,ending ,,of ,,the ,,hand-,,cart ,,scheme #acb ,,xvi4 ,,we ,,forsake ,,all1 ,,and ,,set ,,out ,,for ,,zion--,,our ,,journey ,,across ,,the ,,plains #ade ,,xvii4 ,,my ,,first ,,impressions ,,of ,,the ,,city ,,of ,,the ,,saints #aeb ,,xviii4 ,,brigham ,,young ,,at ,,home--,,we ,,visit ,,the ,,prophet ,,and ,,his ,,wives #afc ,,xix4 ,,the ,,wives ,,of ,,brigham ,,young--,,their ,,history ,,and ,,their ,,daily ,,life #afh ,,xx4 ,,ways ,,and ,,works ,,of ,,the ,,saints--,,the ,,prophet',s ,,millinery ,,bill #agi ,,xxi4 ,,mysteries ,,of ,,the ,,endowment ,,house--,,fearful ,,oaths ,,and ,,secret ,,ceremonies #ahi ,,xxii4 ,,secrets ,,of ,,saintly ,,spouses--,a ,,visit ,,from ,,my ,,talkative ,,friend #bjb ,,xxiii4 ,,social ,,life ,,in ,,salt ,,lake ,,city--,,ball-,,rooms1 8,,wall-,,flowers10 ,,and ,,divorce #bji ,,xxiv4 ,,the ,,origin ,,of 8,,the ,,reformation0--,,extraordinary ,,doings ,,of ,,the ,,saints #bbd ,,xxv4 ,,the 8,,reign ,,of ,,terror0 ,,in ,,utah--,,the ,,reformation ,,of ,,the ,,saints #bce ,,xxvi4 ,,the ,,mountain ,,meadows ,,massacre--8,i ,,will ,,repay1 ,,saith ,,the ,,lord0 #bdg ,,xxvii4 ,,what ,,women ,,suffer ,,in ,,polygamy--,,the ,,story ,,of ,,mary ,,burton #bei ,,xxviii4 ,,how ,,marriages ,,are ,,made ,,in ,,utah--,a ,,new ,,wife ,,found ,,for ,,my ,,husband #bfh ,,xxix4 ,,taking ,a ,,second ,,wife--,,the ,,experience ,,of ,,the ,,first #bgh ,,xxx4 ,,trials--,,the ,,second ,,wife ,,chosen--,,shadows ,,of ,,life #bhe ,,xxxi4 ,,marriage ,,for ,,the ,,dead--,,entering ,,into ,,polygamy--,,the ,,new ,,wife #bic ,,xxxii4 ,,domestic ,,arrangements ,,of ,,the ,,saints--,,polygamy ,,from ,a ,,woman',s ,,standpoint #bii ,,xxxiii4 ,,lights ,,and ,,shadows ,,of ,,polygamy--,,marriage ,,and ,,baptism ,,for ,,the ,,dead #cjf ,,xxxiv4 ,,my ,,daughter ,,becomes ,,the ,,fourth ,,wife ,,of ,,brigham ,,young',s ,,son--,,the ,,second ,,endowments #cad ,,xxxv4 ,,realities ,,of ,,polygamic ,,life--,,orson ,,pratt3 ,,the ,,story ,,of ,,his ,,young ,,english ,,wife #cbc ,,xxxvi4 8,,our0 ,,husband',s ,,fianc,e--,a ,,second ,,wife',s ,,sorrows--,,steps ,,towards ,,apostasy #cca ,,xxxvii4 ,,some ,,curious ,,courtships--,,brigham ,,ruins ,,our ,,fortunes--,,belinda ,,divorces 8,,our0 ,,husband #cdj ,,xxxviii4 ,,mary ,,burton--,,life',s ,,journey ,,ended3 ,,rest ,,at ,,last #cdg ,,xxxix4 ,,my ,,husband ,,disfellowshipped--,,we ,,apostatize--,,brutal ,,outrage ,,upon ,,my ,,husband ,,and ,,myself #ceg ,,xl4 ,,amusing ,,troubles ,,of ,,my ,,talkative ,,friend--,,charlotte ,,with ,,the ,,golden ,,hair #cfa ,,xli4 ,,after ,,we ,,left ,,the ,,church--,,interesting ,,facts ,,and ,,figures--,,mormonism ,,and ,,mormons ,,of ,,to-,,day #cfc ,l',,envoi #cgg ,,postscript #chj ,,xliv4 ,,mountain ,,meadows ,,massacre--,,complete ,,confession ,,of ,,bishop ,,john ,d4 ,,lee #chd ,,killing ,a ,,rival ,,prophet #cih ,,list ,,of ,,illustrations4 #a4 ,steel-plate ,portrait of the ,author ,frontispiece #b4 ,steel-plate ,portrait of ,brigham ,young ,to face #c4 8,gathering to ,zion0--,life on the ,plains #abe #d4 ,over at ,last #acf #e4 ,view of ,main ,street1 ,salt ,lake ,city 7,from a ,photograph7 #adh ,the ,ladies' ,side of ,mormonism4 #f4 ,amelia ,folsom ,young1 ,brigham's ,favourite ,wife #afh #g4 8,ann ,eliza10 ,brigham's ,nineteenth ,wife #afh #h4 ,miss ,eliza ,r4 ,snow1 ,mormon ,poetess and ,high ,priestess #afh #i4 ,mrs4 ,john ,w4 ,young1 ,wife of ,brigham's ,apostate ,son #afh #aj4 ,brother ,brigham's ,last ,baby #afh #aa4 ,scene of the ,mountain ,meadows ,massacre #bee #ab4 ,the ,crisis of a ,life--,entering into ,polygamy #bif #ac4 ,polygamy in ,low ,life--,the ,poor ,man's ,family #cjb #ad4 ,polygamy in ,high ,life--,the ,prophet's ,mansion #cjb #ae4 ,despair6 #cbf #af4 ,fac-simile of a ,mormon 8,bill of ,divorce0 #cdd ,,an ,,englishwoman ,,in ,,utah4 ,,chapter ,i4 ,,my ,,early ,,life4 ,the story which ,i propose to tell in these pages is a plain1 unexaggerated record of facts which have come immediately under my own notice1 or which ,i have myself personally experienced4 ,much that to the reader may seem altogether incredible1 would to a ,mormon mind appear simply a matter of ordinary every-day occurrence with which every one in ,utah is supposed to be perfectly familiar4 ,the reader must please remember that ,i am not telling--as so many writers have told in newspaper correspondence and sensational stories--the hasty and incorrect statements and opinions gleaned during a short visit to ,salt ,lake ,city2 but my own experience--the story of a faith1 strange1 wild1 and terrible it may be1 but which was once so intimately enwoven with all my associations that it became a part of my very existence itself2 and facts1 the too true reality of which there are living witnesses by hundreds1 and even thousands1 who could attest if only they would4 ,with the reader's permission ,i shall briefly sketch my experience from the very beginning4 ,i was born in the year #ahbi1 in ,st4 ,heliers1 ,jersey--one of the islands of the ,english ,channel4 ,from my earliest recollection ,i was favourably disposed to religious influences1 and when only fourteen years of age ,i became a member of the ,baptist ,church1 of which my father and mother were also members4 ,with the simplicity and enthusiasm of youth ,i was devoted to the religious faith of the denomination to which ,i had attached myself1 and sought to live in a manner which should be acceptable to ,god4 ,my childhood passed away without the occurrence of any events which would be worthy of mention1 although1 of course1 my mind was even then receiving that religious bias which afterwards led me to adopt the faith of the ,latter-day ,saints4 ,like most girls in their teens ,i had a natural love of dress--a weakness1 if such it be1 of the sex generally4 ,i was not extravagant1 for that ,i could not be2 but thirty years ago members of dissenting churches were more staid in their dress and demeanour and were less of the world1 ,i think1 than they are to-day4 ,in plainness of dress the ,methodists and ,baptists much resembled the ,quakers4 ,my girlish weakness caused me to be the subject of many a reprimand from older church-members who were rather strict in their views4 ,i well remember one smooth-faced1 pious1 corpulent brother1 who was old enough to be my father1 saying to me one day3 8,my dear young sister1 were it not for your love of dress1 ,i have seriously thought that ,i would some day make you my wife40 ,i wickedly resolved that if a few bright coloured ribbons would disgust my pious admirer1 it should not be my fault if he still continued to think of me4 ,but many of our other church-members were more lenient4 ,our good minister in particular bore with my imperfections1 as he said1 on account of my youth and inexperience2 and later still1 when ,i was ready to leave my native island1 an extra ribbon or a fashionable dress had not affected my standing in the ,baptist denomination4 ,i mention these trifles1 not because ,i attach any importance to them in themselves1 but because similar religious tendencies and a devotional feeling were almost universally found to be the causes which induced men and women to join the ,mormon ,church4 ,from among ,roman ,catholics1 who place unquestioning confidence in their priesthood1 and also from among persons predisposed to infidelity1 came few1 if any1 converts to ,mormonism4 ,but it was from among the religiously inclined1 the ,evangelical ,protestants of the ,old ,world1 that the greater number of proselytes came4 ,but to return to my story4 ,i was one of the younger members of a large family2 and when ,i thought of the future ,i readily saw that if ,i desired a position in life ,i should have to make it for myself2 and this ,i resolved to do4 ,i began by consulting all my friends who ,i thought would be able to counsel or assist me in carrying out my determination2 and before long ,i found the opportunity which ,i sought4 ,an ,english lady1 the wife of a captain in the ,british army1 to whom ,i had confided my aspirations1 proposed--although ,i was not yet fifteen years of age--to take me with her to ,france1 in the temporary capacity of governess1 to her children1 assuring me at the same time that she would advance my interests in every possible way after our arrival4 ,this lady and her husband were as kind to me as my own parents could have been2 and soon after our arrival in ,france they procured for me a situation in one of the best schools in ,st4 ,brieux1 called the ,maison-,martin1 where1 young as ,i was1 ,i engaged myself to teach the young ladies fancy-needlework and embroidery1 as well as to give lessons in ,english4 ,some of the elder girls1 ,i soon found1 were further advanced in fancy-needlework and some other matters than ,i was myself4 ,this1 of course1 ,i did not tell them2 but to supply my deficiency ,i spent many a midnight hour in study and in preparing myself to give the advanced instructions which would be required by my pupils on the following day4 ,for some time after ,i began my work as teacher in that school1 ,i spent the whole of my salary in paying for private lessons to keep me in advance of my pupils4 ,it was for awhile a severe task and a strain upon my youthful energies2 but ,i have never since regretted it1 as it gave an impulse to my mind that has remained with me through life4 ,i had not been more than six months in my situation when the parents of one of the pupils objected to the school retaining a ,protestant teacher1 and ,i was consequently given to understand that unless ,i consented to be instructed1 if nothing more1 in the ,roman ,catholic faith1 ,i could not remain in my present position4 ,this was my first experience of that religious intolerance of which ,i afterwards saw so much4 ,the principal of the establishment1 however1 being very kindly disposed towards me1 advised me to submit1 and it was finally agreed that ,i should be allowed twelve months for instruction and consideration4 ,during this probationary year ,i attended mass every morning from seven to eight o'clock1 and was present at vespers at least three times a week4 ,every ,saturday morning ,i accompanied my pupils to the confessional1 where ,i had to remain from seven o'clock till noon2 after which we returned to breakfast4 ,on ,sundays there was the usual morning mass1 and after that high mass2 and in the afternoon1 from two to four1 we listened to a sermon4 ,in addition to all these services1 at which ,i was expected to 8assist10 a very good-looking1 interesting young priest was appointed to attend to the spiritual instruction of the young ,protestant1 as they called me1 after school hours4 ,he saw me frequently1 but he was ill-qualified to instruct me in the ,catholic faith or to remove my doubts1 for he was not himself too happy in the sacerdotal robe4 ,at first he aimed at convincing me that the apostolic priesthood vested in the fishermen of ,galilee had descended in unbroken succession in the ,church of ,rome2 but he seemed to me much more inclined for a flirtation than for argument2 ,i thought ,i could at times discover something of regret on his own part at having taken holy orders2 and in after years ,i heard that he had abandoned his profession4 ,to the numerous stories of ,catholic oppression and artifice in undermining ,protestants and seducing them from their faith1 ,i cannot add my own testimony4 ,those among whom ,i lived very naturally desired that ,i should be instructed in their religion1 and join the church to which they belonged2 but their bearing towards me was ever kind and respectful2 although when the twelve months of probation had expired1 ,i found myself as much attached to the religion of my childhood as ever1 and had in consequence to resign my situation4 ,i had made many warm friends in the school1 and none were kinder to me than the principal1 who proved her attachment by finding for me a lucrative situation in a wealthy private family4 ,my new position was a decided advance in social life4 ,the family consisted of husband and wife1 two children1 the husband's brother1 and an elderly uncle4 ,the little girls were1 when ,i first knew them1 of the ages of five and seven years respectively4 ,the young gentleman alluded to--the husband's brother--had been educated for the church1 but when the proper time came had refused to take orders2 the uncle was a fine old gentleman1 a retired general in the ,french army1 and a bachelor4 ,altogether they formed as happy a domestic circle as ,i had ever known4 ,the position which ,i occupied among them was that of governess and ,english teacher to the two little girls4 ,my young charges during the first year made rapid progress1 which was very gratifying to the family1 and secured for me their good-will and interest4 ,had ,i been their nearest relative ,i could not have received more respect and consideration from them4 ,one member of the circle alone seemed to be entirely indifferent to my presence2 this was the brother of ,monsieur ,d----4 ,though ,i had lived in the same house with him a whole year1 and had sat at the same table every day1 scarcely a word had ever passed between us beyond a formal salutation4 ,the young gentleman was very handsome1 and when conversing with others his manner was extremely fascinating4 ,i did not believe that ,i particularly desired his attentions1 but his indifference annoyed me--for ,i had never before been treated with such coldness1 and ,i determined to become as frigid and formal as he could possibly be himself4 ,this formal acquaintanceship continued for two years1 and ,i persuaded myself that ,i had become altogether indifferent to the presence of my icicle1 while at the same time all the other members of the family increased in their manifestations of attachment to me4 ,but trifles often possess a great significance4 ,it was the custom of the family to get up a little lottery once a week for the children1 if my report of their deportment and progress was favourable4 ,in this lottery were presents of books1 toys1 gloves1 and a variety of fancy articles1 and among them there was sure to be a bouquet of choice flowers for 8,mademoiselle-,miss10 as they familiarly called me4 ,i knew not positively whom to thank1 although ,i instinctively felt from whom they came1 for the other members of the family always made me more useful presents4 ,in time one little attention led to another1 until at the end of three years ,i found myself the fiance of the wealthy ,constant ,d----4 ,madame ,d---- was opposed to my marriage with her brother-in-law1 as she desired that he should marry one of her own wealthy cousins of the old noblesse of ,france4 ,she treated me1 notwithstanding1 with great kindness1 and confined her opposition to persuading me not to listen to her brother's suit2 but finding opposition to his wishes ineffectual1 she finally consented to our engagement1 which took place in the following winter4 ,from what ,i observed of the relations which existed between husbands and wives in ,france1 ,i did not feel perfectly happy in the thought of becoming the wife of a ,frenchman1 although ,i dearly loved the ,french people4 ,several of my young lady acquaintances1 ,i knew1 had married because it was fashionable1 and especially because it was an emancipation from what ladies in the higher ranks of society regarded as a severe social restraint4 ,it was considered shocking for any young lady to be seen talking to a young gentleman in the street2 indeed it was hardly proper for any unmarried girl to be seen in the street at all without a bonne or some married lady to accompany her4 ,but immediately she was married she was at liberty to flirt and promenade with all the gentlemen of her acquaintance1 while her husband enjoyed the same liberty among the ladies4 ,this state of affairs did not at all coincide with my ,english ideas1 for to me the very thought of marriage was invested with the most sacred obligations1 and ,i knew ,i should never be able to bring my mind to accept less from my husband than ,i should feel it my duty to render to him4 ,i loved the ,french people1 and was pleased with their polite mannerism1 but ,i was not ,french in character2 and though the prospect before me of an alliance with a wealthy and noble family was certainly pleasant1 and ,i was greatly attached to my fianc1 my mind was considerably agitated upon the subject of marriage1 as it had before been occupied with religion4 ,during my sojourn in ,france ,i had frequently questioned myself whether ,i had not done wrong in remaining absent for so many years from my home and from communion with the church of my childhood1 and ,i had always looked forward to the time when ,i should return to them again4 ,to this occasional self-examination was now added another cause of anxiety1 produced by the thought of marriage with a person of a different faith4 ,marriage1 to me1 was the all-important event in a woman's life1 and some mysterious presentiment seemed to forewarn me that marriage in my life was to be more than an ordinary episode--though little did ,i then dream that it would have a polygamic shaping4 ,my young ambition alone had led me to ,france4 ,i had aspired to an honourable social position1 and had found both it and also devoted friends4 ,sometimes ,i felt that ,i could not relinquish what ,i had gained2 at other times ,i yearned for the associations of my childhood and the guiding hand of earlier friends4 ,the conflict in my mind was often painful4 ,my early prejudices and the teachings of those around me induced me to believe that the ,roman ,catholic religion was entirely wrong2 yet1 notwithstanding1 while living among ,catholics ,i saw nothing to condemn in their personal lives1 but much to the contrary4 ,in fact1 ,romanism fascinated me1 while it failed to convince my judgment4 ,while labouring under these conflicting sentiments1 ,i resolved to visit my native land1 to consult with my parents about my contemplated marriage2 and for that purpose ,i asked and obtained two months' vacation4 ,surely some mysterious destiny must have been drawing me to ,england at that particular crisis1 and before the fulfilling of my engagement1 which would have changed so entirely the whole current of my existence4 ,,chapter ,,ii4 ,,my ,,first ,,introduction ,,to ,,mormonism4 ,during my residence in ,france1 my parents had left ,st4 ,heliers and returned to ,southampton1 ,england4 ,to visit them now ,i had to take a sailing vessel from ,portrieux to the ,isle of ,jersey1 and thence ,i could take the steamer to ,southampton4 ,monsieur and ,madame ,d----1 together with the two little girls1 accompanied me in their private carriage to ,portrieux1 a distance of forty miles1 in order to confide me safely to the captain's care4 ,as they wished me 8bon voyage0 and embraced me affectionately1 ,mons4 ,d---- handed me a valuable purse for pocket-money during my absence1 and they all exhibited great anxiety for my welfare1 saying over and over again au revoir1 as they entered their carriage to return to their happy home2--thereby implying that this was not a final adieu1 but that we should soon meet again4 ,i cannot tell why it was1 but ,i experienced at that moment a painful feeling of mental indecision about the future4 ,i had no real reason to doubt my return to ,france1 and the certainty of a warm welcome when ,i should again greet those dear ones who were now leaving me in tears2 but my mind was troubled by a vague feeling of uncertainty which made me anything but happy4 ,filial affection and a sense of duty drew me towards my parents in ,england2 while a feeling of gratitude1 and1 ,i think1 another and more tender sentiment1 turned the current of my thoughts towards the happy home at ,st4 ,brieux4 ,it was not necessary for me to stop in ,jersey for more than a few hours1 but ,i wanted to revisit the scenes of my childhood's happy days1 and to speak again with those whom ,i had known and loved in early life4 ,in later years the scenes and memories of childhood seem like the imaginings of a pleasant dream4 ,a sweet charm is thrown around all that we then said and did2 and the men and women who then were known to us are pictured in our recollection as beings possessing charms and graces such as never belonged to the common-place children of earth4 ,the glamour of a fairy wand is over all the past history of mankind2 but upon nothing does it cast so potent a spell as upon the personal reminiscences of our own infant years4 ,to me that little island had charms which no stranger could ever have discovered2 and even now1 after the lapse of so many long1 eventful years ,i often feel an earnest wish to visit again those rock-bound shores1 to listen to the everlasting murmur of the wild1 wild waves1 to watch the distant speck-like vessels far away upon the swelling ocean1 and to drink in the invigorating breezes which seem to give life and energy to every pulsation of the living soul4 ,but ,i must not theorize3 life has been to me too earnest and too painful to admit of much sentiment or fancy as ,i recall the past4 ,little as ,i thought it1 during the short visit which ,i paid to my birthplace the web of destiny was being woven for me in a way which ,i could not then have conjectured even in a dream4 ,at ,st4 ,heliers ,i heard for the first time of the ,latter-day ,saints1 or ,mormonites1 as they were more familiarly called2 but ,i cannot express how perfectly astonished ,i was when ,i learned that my father1 mother1 sisters1 and one of my brothers had been converted to the new faith4 ,it was my own brother-in-law who told me this4 ,he himself1 with my sister1 were 8,apostate0 ,mormons4 ,they had been baptized into the ,mormon ,church1 but became dissatisfied1 and abandoned it4 ,the ,st4 ,heliers branch of the ,latter-day ,saints had had a turbulent experience4 ,their first teachings had been a mixture of ,bible texts about the last days1 and arguments about the millennium1 the return of the ,jews to ,palestine1 the resurrection of the dead1 and a new revelation and a new prophet2 but the improper conduct of some of the elders had disgusted the people with their doctrines1 and the tales of wickedness which ,i heard were1 if true1 certainly sufficient to justify them in rejecting such instructors4 ,the more ,i heard of this strange religion the more ,i was troubled2 yet1 as ,i knew my parents were devoted ,christians1 ,i could hardly believe that ,mormonism was such a vile delusion and imposture as it had been represented to me1 or they would never have accepted it3 still it was possible that they had been led astray by the fascinations of a new religion4 ,in this state of mind ,i met in the street the wife of the ,baptist minister whom ,i have already mentioned4 ,she greeted me affectionately and then began at once to warn me against the ,latter-day ,saints4 ,i inquired what she knew of them2 and she replied that personally she knew nothing1 but she believed them to be servants of the ,evil ,one1 adding1 8,there is a strange power with them that fascinates the people and draws them into their meshes in spite of themselves4 ,let me entreat you not to go near them4 ,do not trust yourself at one of their meetings1 or the delusion will take hold of you too40 8,i cannot ignore ,mormonism in this way10 ,i said1 8or pass it by with indifference2 for my parents whom ,i tenderly love have been blinded by this delusion1 and ,i can do no less than investigate its teachings thoroughly1 and if ,i find it false1 expose its errors1 and1 if possible1 save my father's family from ruin40 ,she was not convinced that this was the wisest course for me to pursue1 but ,i resolved at once to attend a meeting of the ,saints and judge for myself4 ,my brother-in-law1 when he heard of my intentions1 tried to dissuade me1 but1 finding me determined1 finally offered to escort me to the meeting-place4 ,what ,i heard on this occasion made a great impression on my mind1 and set me thinking as ,i had never thought before4 ,on returning to my sister's house she asked me what opinion ,i had now formed of the ,latter-day ,saints4 ,i replied that ,i had not yet formed any conclusion1 but that what ,i had heard had given me serious cause for reflection4 8,oh10 she said1 8you have caught the ,mormon fever1 ,i see40 ,i felt a disposition to resent this implication1 but ,i was half afraid that1 after all1 my sister was right4 ,much that ,i had heard could1 ,i knew1 be proved true from ,scripture2 and the rest seemed to me to be capable of demonstration from the same authority4 ,i resolved1 however1 to fortify myself against a too easy credulity1 and thought that probably if ,i heard more of these doctrines ,i might be able to discover their falsity4 ,on the following day1 the elder who had preached at the meeting1 and who1 by the way1 is one of the present proprietors of the ,salt ,lake ,herald1 called to see me1 as he had been intimate with my parents before they left the island4 ,i hardly knew how to be civil to him1 though he had done nothing to offend me1 nor had he been the cause of my parents entering the ,mormon ,church2 but ,i disliked him solely on account of the stories which ,i had heard about the ,mormons4 ,intending only to be kind to me1 he told me that on the following day he proposed to take the steamer for ,southampton1 as he was going to attend a conference of the ,saints in ,london1 and that he should be pleased to show me any attentions while crossing the ,channel1 and would see me safe home in ,england4 ,i confess ,i really felt insulted at a ,mormon ,elder offering to be my escort2 and although my trunks were ready packed for my departure by the same steamer1 and ,mr4 ,dunbar knew it1 ,i thanked him politely1 but said ,i would not go by that boat4 ,he tried to persuade me to change my mind1 and said that ,i should have to wait a whole week for another vessel2 and at last ,i frankly told him the abhorrence ,i felt at the things ,i had heard about the ,mormons1 and that ,i should be afraid to travel in the same steamer with him or any of the ,mormon ,elders whom ,i regarded as no better than so many whited sepulchres4 ,he1 however1 very kindly took no offence1 for he knew that ,i had been listening to those who disliked the ,saints4 ,i felt ashamed at having been betrayed into such unladylike rudeness1 but1 notwithstanding1 tried to persuade myself that his civility was1 after all1 an insult2 for ,i had conceived a detestation of every ,mormon1 on account of the deception which ,i felt sure had been practised upon my family4 ,this feeling was not lessened by the consciousness that an impression had been made upon my own mind4 ,the more in accordance with ,scripture the teaching of the ,elders appeared1 the more firmly ,i believed it must be a powerful delusion4 ,here1 ,i said1 ,satan has indeed taken the form of an angel of light to deceive1 if possible1 the very elect4 ,elder ,dunbar1 finding me unyielding1 left by the next steamer1 and had a pleasant passage across the ,channel1 and ,i remained on the island another week4 ,during that interval my mind was haunted with what ,i had heard of this new gospel dispensation1 as it was called4 ,that angels had again descended from heaven to teach man upon earth2 that a prophet had been raised up to speak again the mind of the ,lord to the children of men2 that the ,saints were partakers of the gifts of the ,spirit1 as in the ,early ,christian ,church1--all these assumed facts took the form of reality1 and came back into my mind with greater force every time ,i strove to drive them away2 just as our thoughts do when we desire to sleep1 and cannot--our very efforts to dismiss them bring them back with greater force to torment us4 ,we had an unusually bad passage across the ,channel1 which annoyed me all the more when ,i remembered my scornful refusal to go in the same boat with ,elder ,dunbar4 ,on my arrival in ,southampton ,i soon discovered that my father1 mother1 and sisters were full of the spirit of ,mormonism4 ,they were rejoicing in it1 ardently believing that it was the fulness of the everlasting gospel1 as the ,elders styled it2 and whatever ,i might think of the new religion1 ,i was forced to confess that it brought into my father's house peace1 love1 kindness1 and charity such as were seldom seen in many households of religious people4 ,my sisters were completely changed in their manner of life4 ,they cared ,i nothing for the amusements which girls of their age usually crave and enjoy4 ,their whole thoughts seemed to be occupied with the ,church1 attending the meetings of the ,saints1 and employing every leisure hour in preparing comforts for the ,elders who were travelling and preaching without purse and scrip4 ,and in all this they were as happy as children4 ,of my parents ,i might say the same4 ,my dear mother rejoiced in the belief that she had been peculiarly blessed in being privileged to live at a time when 8the last dispensation0 was revealed2 and my father1 though an invalid1 rejoiced that he had entered into the kingdom by baptism4 ,such was the condition of my father's house2 and who can wonder that1 accustomed as ,i was to listen with respect to the opinions of my parents1 ,i was more than ever troubled about the new religion which they had adopted8 ,the first ,sunday morning that ,i was in ,england1 my parents asked me to accompany them to meeting1 and ,i readily complied1 as ,i wanted to hear more of the strange doctrines which in some mysterious way had made our family so happy1 but which in other quarters had provoked such bitter hostility4 ,i know now that this joyousness of heart is not peculiar to new converts to ,mormonism1 but may be found among the newly-converted of every sect which allows the emotional feelings to come into play4 ,to me1 at the time1 however1 it was a mystery1 but ,i must confess that the change which had taken place in those nearest and dearest to me1 affecting me personally1 and being so evidently in accordance with the teachings of the ,saviour1 led me to regard ,mormonism with less antipathy4 ,the bright side alone of the new faith was presented to the world abroad2 we had yet to go to ,utah and witness the effects of ,brigham ,young's teachings at home before we could know what ,mormonism really was4 ,i shall never forget the trial it was to my pride to enter the dirty1 mean-looking room where the ,saints assembled at that time4 ,no one would rent a respectable hall to them1 and they were glad to obtain the use of any place which was large enough for their meetings4 ,on the present occasion there was a very fair gathering of people1 who had come together influenced by the most varied motives4 ,the ,presiding ,elder--,i should here remark that the word 8,elder0 has among the ,mormons no reference whatever to age1 but is simply a rank in the priesthood--called the meeting to order1 and read the following hymn3 ,the morning breaks1 the shadows flee2 ,lo6 ,zion's standard is unfurl'd6 ,the dawning of a brighter day ,majestic rises on the world4 ,the clouds of error disappear ,before the rays of truth divine2 ,the glory bursting from afar1 ,wide o'er the nations soon will shine6 ,the ,gentile fulness now comes in1 ,and ,israel's blessings are at hand2 ,lo6 ,judah's remnant1 cleansed from sin1 ,shall in the promised ,canaan stand4 ,angels from heaven and truth from earth ,have met1 and both have record borne2 ,thus ,zion's light is bursting forth ,to bring her ransom'd children home4 ,every word of this hymn had a meaning peculiar to itself1 relating to the distinctive doctrines of the ,saints4 ,the congregation sang with an energy and enthusiasm which made the room shake again4 ,self and the outer world were alike forgotten1 and an ecstasy of rapture seemed to possess the souls of all present4 ,then all kneeled down1 and prayer was offered for the ,prophet1 the apostles1 high-priests1 8seventies10 elders1 priests1 teachers1 and deacons2 blessings were invoked upon the ,saints1 and power to convert the ,gentiles2 and as the earnest words of supplication left the speaker's lips1 the congregation shouted a loud 8,amen40 ,there was no prepared sermon4 ,there never is at a ,mormon meeting4 ,the people are taught that the ,holy ,ghost is 8mouth1 matter1 and wisdom40 ,whatever the preaching ,elder may say is supposed to come directly by inspiration from heaven1 and the ,saints listening1 as they believe1 not to his utterances but to the words of ,god ,himself1 have nothing to do but to hear and obey4 ,the first speaker on this occasion was a young gentleman of respectable family1 who had been recently baptized and ordained4 ,he1 too1 was from ,st4 ,heliers1 and ,i had known him from childhood4 ,his address impressed me very much4 ,he had been a member of the ,baptist church1 and he related his experience1 told how often he had wondered why there were not inspired men to preach the glad tidings of salvation to the world to-day1 as there were eighteen centuries ago4 ,he spoke of the joy which he had experienced in being baptized into the ,mormon ,church and realizing that he had received the 8gift of the ,holy ,ghost40 ,the simplicity with which he spoke1 his evident honesty1 and the sacrifice he had made in leaving the respectable ,baptists and joining the despised ,mormons1 were1 ,i thought1 so many evidences of his sincerity4 ,alas6 how little could that young preacher conjecture how different the practical ,mormonism in ,utah was from the theoretical ,mormonism which he had learned to believe in ,europe1 before polygamy was known among the ,saints4 ,a short time afterwards he gave up his business1 married an accomplished young lady1 and went with her to ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,there they were soon utterly disgusted with what they witnessed1 apostatized1 and set out for ,england4 ,when they had gone three-fourths of their way back to the ,missouri river1 the young man1 his wife1 child1 and another apostate and his wife1 were killed by 8,indians30--such1 at least1 was the report2 but dissenting ,mormons have always charged their 8taking off0 to the order of the leaders of the ,mormon ,church4 ,but to return to the meeting4 ,the reader must please forgive me if ,i dwell a little upon the events of that particular morning1 for naturally they made a deep impression upon my own mind--it was there that ,i saw for the first time my husband who was to be4 ,i had heard a good deal about a certain ,elder1 from my family and from the ,saints who visited at our house4 ,they spoke with great enthusiasm of the earnestness with which he preached1 of the effect which his addresses produced1 and of his confidence in the final triumph of 8the kingdom40 ,at that time--the summer of #ahdi--;although the branch of the ,mormon ,church in ,britain was in a most flourishing condition1 there were not in ,england more than two or three ,american ,elders preaching the faith1 for when--two years before the period of which ,i speak--the ,saints left ,nauvoo and undertook that most extraordinary exodus across the plains to the ,rocky ,mountains1 the missionary ,elders were all called home1 and the work of proselytizing in ,europe was left entirely to the native ,elders4 ,to direct their labours there was placed over them an ,american elder named ,orson ,spencer1 a graduate of ,dartmouth ,university1 a scholar and a gentleman--a man well calculated from his previous ,christian education to give an elevated tone to the teachings of the young ,english missionaries4 ,mormonism in ,england then1 had no resemblance to the ,mormonism of ,utah to-day4 ,the ,mormons were then simply an earnest religious people1 in many respects like the ,methodists1 especially in their missionary zeal and fervour of spirit4 ,the ,mormon ,church abroad was purely a religious institution1 and ,mormonism was preached by the ,elders as the gospel of ,christianity restored4 ,the ,church had no political shaping nor the remotest antagonism to the civil power4 ,the name of ,joseph ,smith was seldom spoken1 and still more seldom was heard the name of ,brigham ,young1 and then only so far as they had reference to the ,church of the ,saints4 ,about eighteen months before ,i visited ,southampton1 one of these missionaries had come into that town1 8without purse or scrip40 ,he was quite a young man and almost penniless1 but he was rich in faith and overflowing with zeal4 ,he knew no one there2 and homeless1 and frequently hungry1 he continued his labours4 ,of fasting he knew much1 of feasting nothing4 ,he first preached under the branches of a spreading beech-tree in a public park1 and when more favoured he held forth in a school-room or public hall4 ,he had come to convert the people to ,mormonism1 or he was going to die among them2 and before such zeal and determination1 discouragements1 of course1 soon vanished away4 ,he troubled the ministers of other dissenting churches when they found him distributing tracts and talking to their people4 ,he was sowing broadcast dissatisfaction and discontent wherever he could get any one to listen to him1 and thus he drew down upon himself the eloquence of the dissenting pulpits and the derision of the local press4 ,but the more they attacked him the more zealously did he labour1 and defied his opponents to public discussion4 ,mormonism was bold then in ,europe--it had no ,american history to meet in those days4 ,this1 and a great deal more1 ,i had heard discussed in glowing language by my relatives and friends2 and thus the young missionary--,elder ,stenhouse--was1 by name1 no stranger to me4 ,it was ,elder ,stenhouse who now addressed the meeting1 and ,i listened to him with attention4 ,the reader must remember that at that time polygamy was unheard of as a doctrine of the ,saints1 and the blood-atonement1 the doctrine that ,adam is ,god1 together with the polytheism and priestly theocracy of after-years1 were things undreamed of4 ,the saving love of ,christ1 the glory and fulness of the everlasting ,gospel1 the gifts and graces of the ,spirit1 together with repentance1 baptism1 and faith1 were the points upon which the ,mormon teachers touched2 and who can wonder that with such topics as these1 and fortifying every statement with powerful and numerous texts of ,scripture1 they should captivate the minds of religiously inclined people8 ,however this may be1 ,i can only confess that1 as ,i listened to ,elder ,stenhouse's earnest discourse1 ,i felt my antipathy to ,mormonism rapidly melting away4 ,at the close of the service1 when he left the platform1 he was warmly received by the brethren and sisters1 for so the ,saints speak of one another1 and they came about him to shake hands1 or it might be to seize the opportunity of slipping a trifle into his hand to help him in his work4 ,young and old1 the poor and their more wealthy neighbours1 mingled together like one happy family4 ,it was altogether a most pleasing scene2 and1 whatever explanation may yet be given to ,mormonism in ,america1 one thing ,i know--the facts of its early history in ,europe are among the most pleasant reminiscences of my life4 ,elder ,stenhouse came up in a familiar and open-hearted way to my mother and sisters1 and ,i was introduced to him as 8the other daughter from ,france40 ,he kindly welcomed me1 and when ,i frankly told him the state of my mind1 he made1 ,i must admit1 a successful attempt to solve my doubts1 and when ,i left the meeting it was with sentiments towards the ,saints and their religion far different from those which ,i entertained when ,i entered4 ,this meeting was a memorable era in my life4 ,,chapter ,,iii4 ,,the ,,labour ,,of ,,my ,,life ,,begun3--,,how ,,the ,,mormon ,,missionaries ,,made ,,converts4 ,in the afternoon ,i attended a meeting of a still more interesting character4 ,these ,sunday afternoon meetings were held for the purpose of receiving the sacrament1 and the confirmation of those who had been baptized during the week2 they were intended exclusively for the ,saints1 but for certain reasons ,i was permitted to be present4 ,the meeting was opened with singing and prayer1 and then the presiding ,elder--,brother ,cowdy--arose1 and invited all those who had been baptized during the week to come to the front seats4 ,several ladies and gentlemen came forward1 and also three little children4 ,upon inquiry ,i found that children of eight years of age were admitted members of the ,church by baptism--which is administered by immersion4 ,at that age they are supposed to understand what they are doing2 but before that1 if of ,mormon parents1 they are considered members of the ,church by virtue of the blessing which they received in infancy4 ,brother ,cowdy--the presiding' ,elder--then called upon two other ,elders to assist him in the confirmation4 ,one of the ladies took off her bonnet1 but retained her seat1 when all three of the ,elders placed their hands upon her head1 and one of them said3-- 8,martha2 by virtue of the authority vested in us1 we confirm you a member of the ,church of ,jesus ,christ of ,latter-day ,saints2 and as you have been obedient to the teachings of the ,elders1 and have gone down into the waters of baptism for the remission of your sins1 we confer upon you the ,gift of the ,holy ,ghost1 that it may abide with you for ever1 and be a lamp unto your feet1 and a light upon your pathway1 leading and guiding you into all truth4 ,this blessing we confirm upon your head1 in the name of the ,father1 and of the ,son1 and of the ,holy ,ghost4 ,amen40 ,then1 before they took their hands off her head1 the presiding ,elder asked the other two if they wished to say anything4 ,whereupon one of them began to invoke a blessing upon the newly-confirmed sister4 ,he spoke for some time with extreme earnestness1 when suddenly he was seized with a nervous trembling which was quite perceptible1 and which evidently betokened intense mental or physical excitement4 ,he began to prophecy great things for this sister in the future1 and in solemn and mysterious language proclaimed the wonders which ,god would perform for her sake4 ,when we consider the excited state of her mind1 and--if the statements of psychologists be true--the magnetic currents which were being transmitted from the sensitive nature of the man into the excited brain of the new convert1 together with the pressure of half a dozen human hands upon her head1 it is not at all astonishing that when the hands were lifted off she should firmly believe that she had been blessed indeed4 ,she had been told that she should receive the ,gift of the ,holy ,ghost2 and she did not for an instant doubt that her expectations had been realized4 ,each of the newly-baptized went through the same ceremony1 and then they all partook of the sacrament1 when1 after another hymn1 the meeting was closed with prayer4 ,in the evening ,i returned1 to listen to a lecture upon 8the character1 spirit1 and genius0 of the new church1 delivered by ,elder ,stenhouse2 and ,i was captivated by the picture which he drew of the marvellous latter-day work which he affirmed had already begun4 ,the visions of by-gone ages were again vouchsafed to men2 angels had visibly descended to earth2 ,god had raised up in a mighty way a ,prophet1 as of old1 to preach the dispensation of the last days2 gifts of prophecy1 healing1 and the working of miracles were now1 as in the days of the ,apostles1 witnesses to the power of ,god4 ,the long-lost tribes of ,israel were about to be gathered into the one great fold of ,christ2 and the fulness of the ,gentiles being come1 they1 too1 were to be taken under the care of the ,good ,shepherd4 ,all were freely invited to come and cast away their sins1 ere it was too late2 and the fullest offers of pardon1 grace1 sanctification1 and blessing1 in this world and in the next1 were presented to every repentant soul4 ,surely1 ,i thought1 these are the self-same doctrines which my mother taught me1 when ,i knelt beside her in childhood1 and which ,i have so often heard--only in colder and less persuasive language--urged from the pulpits of those whom ,i have ever regarded in the light of true disciples of ,jesus4 ,who can wonder that ,i listened with rapt attention1 and that my heart was even then half won to the new faith8 ,the days passed2 and as ,i pondered over these things it appeared to me that ,i had at last found that which ,i had so long earnestly desired and prayed for--a knowledge of that true religion for which the ,saviour presented ,himself a ,holy ,sacrifice1 and which the ,apostles preached at peril of their lives--the only faith1 in which ,i might find joy and peace in believing4 ,but why should ,i dwell upon those moments1 soul-absorbing as was their interest to me then--sadly-pleasing as is their memory now6 ,the reader can see the drift of my thoughts at that time2 and ,i feel sure1 although ,i have but hastily sketched the causes which brought about these great changes in my religious belief and in my life1 that he will not hastily accuse me of fickleness and love of change1 if he himself has fought the battles of the soul1 and has learned even in a slight measure to realize the mystery of his inner being4 ,each day the finger of destiny drew me nearer to the final step4 ,the young ,elder1 whose words ,i had listened to with such strange and1 to me1 momentous results1 was intimate with my father's family1 and called frequently to see us1 and before long he convinced me that it was my duty to test for myself whether the work was of ,god1 or not4 ,in the agitated state of my mind at that time1 ,i could not withstand the earnest appeals which were made to my affections and hopes2 and within two weeks after my arrival in ,england ,i became formally a member of the ,church of ,jesus ,christ of ,latter-day ,saints2 or in more popular language--,i became a ,mormon4 ,the day was fixed for my baptism4 ,several others were to be baptized at the same time2 for scarcely a week passed without quite a number of persons joining the ,church4 ,for this purpose we all repaired to a bath-house on the banks of the ,southampton river4 ,this place was not perhaps the most convenient1 and it certainly was devoid of the slightest tinge of romance2 but it was the only one available to the saints at that time4 ,when we were all assembled and had united in singing and prayer1 ,elder ,stenhouse went down into the water first1 and then two men went down and were baptized1 and came up again4 ,now came my turn4 ,i was greatly agitated1 for ,i felt all the solemnity of the occasion4 ,i had dressed myself very neatly and purely1 for ,i believed that angel eyes were upon me2 ,i wished to give myself--a perfect and acceptable offering--to my ,god1 and ,i was filled with the determination henceforth to devote my whole life to ,his service4 ,as ,i went down into the waters of baptism1 how thankful ,i felt that it had been my privilege to hear the gospel in my youth1 for now ,i could give my heart in all its freshness to the ,lord1 before it had been chilled by the cold1 hard experience of life4 ,i descended the steps1 and ,elder ,stenhouse came forward and led me out into the water2 then1 taking both my hands in one of his1 he raised his other hand towards heaven1 and in a solemn and impressive voice he said1-- 8,fanny2 by virtue of the authority vested in me1 ,i baptize you for the remission of your sins2 in the name of the ,father1 and of the ,son1 and of the ,holy ,ghost4 ,amen40 ,then he immersed me in the water2 and as ,i reascended the steps1 ,i really felt like another being3 all my past was buried in the deep--the waters of baptism had washed away my sins2 and a new life lay open before me1 in which my footsteps would be guided by the inspired servants of ,god4 ,all now would be peace and joy within me1 for ,i had obeyed the commands of ,god1 and ,i doubted not that ,i should receive the promised blessing1 and that now ,i could indeed go on my way rejoicing4 ,my baptism took place one ,saturday afternoon1 and the afternoon following ,i was confirmed a member of the ,church4 ,elder ,stenhouse presided at the meeting1 and he1 with ,elder ,cowdy1 and two other elders1 confirmed me4 ,as the 8blessing0 which ,i then myself received differs somewhat from the one which ,i have already given1 and as it is a very fair specimen of those effusions1 ,i present it to the reader in full4 ,elder ,stenhouse1 ,elder ,cowdy1 and the two other ,elders1 placed their hands solemnly upon my head1 and ,elder ,stenhouse said1-- 8,fanny2 by virtue of the authority vested in me1 ,i confirm you a member of the ,church of ,jesus ,christ of ,latter-day ,saints2 and inasmuch as you have been obedient to the command of ,god1 through his servants1 and have been baptized for the remission of your sins1 ,i say unto you that those sins are remitted4 ,and in the name of ,god ,i bless you1 and say unto you1 that inasmuch as you are faithful and obedient to the teachings of the priesthood1 and seek the advancement of the kingdom1 there is no good thing that your heart can desire that the ,lord will not give unto you4 ,you shall have visions and dreams1 and angels shall visit you by day and by night4 ,you shall stand in the temple in ,zion1 and administer to the ,saints of the ,most ,high ,god4 ,you shall speak in tongues1 and prophecy2 and the ,lord shall bless you abundantly1 both temporally and spiritually4 ,these blessings ,i seal upon your head1 inasmuch as you shall be faithful2 and ,i pray heaven to bless you2 and say unto you--,be thou blessed1 in the name of the ,father1 and of the ,son1 and of the ,holy ,ghost4 ,amen40 ,after the meeting1 ,i received the congratulations of all the ,saints present1 and more particularly those of my own family4 ,my dear mother and father were overjoyed2 and ,i now learned how anxious they had been1 and how they had feared that ,i should return to ,france and reject the faith of the new dispensation4 ,altogether we were very happy4 ,elder ,stenhouse and ,elder ,cowdy returned home with us to tea1 and afterwards we all attended the usual evening lecture4 ,in this way was passed one of the happiest days of my life--one which ,i shall ever remember2--and yet that memory will always be mingled with regret that so much love and devotion as ,i then felt were not enlisted in a better cause4 ,thus began a new era in my life4 ,all my former friends and associations were now to be remembered no more2 my lot was cast among the ,saints2 and in the state of my mind at that time1 ,i believed that ,i should be happy in my new position1 and resolved to give evidence of the sincerity of my faith4 ,the untiring energy and restless activity of ,elder ,stenhouse was ever before our eyes1 and inspired all who associated with him with a similar enthusiasm4 ,there were no drones in that hive4 ,the brethren1 at a word from him1 would roam the country1 teaching and preaching in the open air1 while the sisters would go from house to house in the city1 distributing tracts about the new faith4 ,i caught the enthusiasm of the rest1 and was soon in the ranks with the other sisters1 as devoted in my endeavours as a young1 ambitious heart could be4 ,i was indeed like one born again from an old existence into a new life4 ,i felt grateful and happy--,i began to dream of the eternal honour which crowns a faithful missionary life2 and ,i soon found an ample field for testing my fitness for that vocation4 ,at the time of which ,i speak1 the ,primitive ,methodists in ,england were doing a great work in the way of converting sinners4 ,their missionaries were zealous and devoted men1 though generally poor and uneducated4 ,they resembled very closely the ,mormon elders in their labours2 and1 in fact1 a very large number of the leading ,mormons had been ,methodist local-preachers and exhorters2 and the greater number of the new-born ,saints had come from that denomination with their former teachers1 or else had followed them soon after4 ,the change from ,methodist to ,mormon was1 in course of time1 very strongly marked2 but for a considerable period the same1 or what seemed the same1 influences were at work among the people4 ,remarkable scenes of excitement were often witnessed at the 8love feasts20 and from the 8anxious seats10 as they were called1 might be heard1 the entreaties of self-accusing souls1 frightened by a multitude of sins1 crying earnestly1 nay1 wildly1 for grace1 mercy1 and the ,holy ,ghost2 while many of the supplicants would fall upon the ground1 completely overcome by nervous excitement4 ,then they would have visions1 and beheld great and unutterable things2 received the forgiveness of their sins2 and1 coming back to consciousness1 believed themselves now to be the children of ,god1 and new creatures2 doubting not that they would ever after be happy in the ,lord4 ,the experience of the ,saints at their meetings1 when ,mormonism was first preached1 was exactly similar to this4 ,into the psychological1 moral1 or religious causes of these scenes of excitement ,i cannot here enter2--,i simply mention facts as they came under my own observation4 ,the ,mormon ,missionary often came upon whole communities in the rural districts of ,england1 where this 8good time0 was in full operation2 and being a man of texts he would follow up the revival1 preaching that the spirit of the prophet was subject to the prophet1 and not the prophet subject to the spirit4 ,controversy would arise1 and his appeal to ,scripture1 literally interpreted1 was almost invariably triumphant4 ,even in ,america1 especially in ,new ,york and ,ohio1 the same causes produced the same effects4 ,it was after his mind was excited by a general revival near his native place1 that ,joseph ,smith1 the founder of ,mormonism1 received his first religious impression1 and saw1 as he asserted1 his first angelic vision4 ,his followers1 even in the early days of the ,church1 had revival-meetings and meetings at which the most extraordinary excitement was manifested1--when the ,saints fell into ecstatic trances1 saw heaven opened1 and spake with tongues4 ,but ,joseph1 shrewd man as he was1 albeit 8a prophet10 when he found too many rival seers were coming into the field1 announced by 8special revelation10 that these too-gifted persons were possessed by devils1 and that their visions and prophesyings must be at once suppressed4 ,and he did suppress them4 ,not long after my own baptism ,i was present at a meeting of this description1 in ,southampton4 ,it was called a 8testimony meeting10 and was held in a large upper room situated1 if ,i rightly remember1 in ,chandos ,street4 ,no one from the outside would have supposed that it was the place of assembly of the ,saints1 for it was generally used for ordinary secular meetings1 and ,i have heard that great objections were at first raised as to the propriety of letting it to the ,mormons4 ,as we entered the door1 we were saluted by ,brother ,williams1 who expressed great pleasure at seeing us4 ,there was a full attendance of the ,saints1 and every face wore an expression of peaceful earnestness4 ,a person who has never attended a ,mormon meeting can form no idea of the joyous spirit which seemed to animate every one present4 ,i am not1 of course1 speaking of modern meetings1 but of meetings as they used to be4 ,whence and whatever that 8spirit0 might be which moved the sisters and brethren when they met in early times1 ,i cannot tell2 but ,i1 and with me1 ten thousand ,mormons and seceding ,mormons in ,utah1 can1 from our own experience1 testify that that spirit no longer visits the ,tabernacle services over which ,brigham ,young presides1 or the meetings of the ,saints since they adopted the accursed doctrine of polygamy1 and forsook the gentle leadings of their first love4 ,often have ,i heard ,mormons of good standing and high position in the ,church1 lament the 8good old times0 as they called them1 when the outpouring of the ,spirit was so abundant1 and mourn over the cold1 barren services of the present day4 ,but the elders explain this away4 ,it is1 they say1 the fault of the people themselves1 and because their own hearts have become cold4 ,at the meeting of which ,i speak1 that happy spirit was peculiarly marked4 ,an encouraging smile1 or a kind word1 greeted me on every side1 and1 as a newly-converted sister1 ,i received the most cordial welcome4 ,the brethren were seated on forms and chairs and any other convenient article which came to hand1 while at the further end of the room was ,brother ,bench1 who was to preside1 and with him several other leading ,elders4 ,brother ,bench gave out a suitable hymn4 ,the whole congregation joined in the singing1 and every heart seemed lifted up with devotion4 ,then another ,elder rose1 and offered a spirit-moving prayer2 and then the brother who presided stated that for the time he withdrew his control of the proceedings1 and1 as the phrase was1 he 8put the meeting in the hands of the ,saints10 exhorting them not to let the time pass by unimproved4 ,then arose ,brother ,edwards1 a well-tried champion of the faith1 and to him every one listened with profound attention1 eagerly drinking in his every utterance4 ,i could almost1 even now1 imagine that he was really inspired4 ,then ,i firmly believed he was4 ,his voice thrilled with an earnestness which seemed to us something more than the mere excitement of the soul4 ,a burning fire seemed to flash from his large1 expressive eyes2 his features were lighted up with that animation which gives a saint-like halo to the earnest face when fired with indignation or pleading soul-felt truths2 while his whole frame seemed to glow with the glory of a land beyond this earth1 as in the most impressive and convincing language he reminded us that our sins had been washed away by the waters of baptism1 that upon us had been poured the gifts and graces of the ,spirit1 and that it was our sacred privilege to testify of these things4 ,the effect of this exhortation was magical4 ,we forgot all our outward surroundings1 in the realization that the great work of the ,lord was so gloriously begun1 and that it would surely go on1 conquering and to conquer4 ,one sister--an elderly woman--who was present1 unable to control her emotion1 burst out with that ,mormon hymn which ,i have heard some old ,nauvoo ,saints declare produced upon the people in those days an enthusiasm similar to that which moves the heart of every true ,frenchman when he listens to the soul-stirring notes of the ,marseillaise3-- ,the ,spirit of ,god like a fire is burning6 ,the latter day glory begins to come forth2 ,the visions and blessings of old are returning1 ,the angels are coming to visit the earth4 ,we'll sing and we'll shout with the armies of heaven1 ,hosannah6 ,hosannah to ,god and the ,lamb1 ,all glory to them in the highest be given ,henceforth and for ever3 ,amen1 and ,amen4 ,i have often heard in magnificent cathedrals1 hoary with the dust of time1 and in vast places of amusement dedicated specially to music and to song1 the outpouring of that glorious vocal flood1 which a chorus of a thousand well-trained singers can alone send forth4 ,i have felt sometimes that entrancing state of ecstasy which thrilled the soul of the seer in ,patmos1 as he listened to the melody of the angelic throng--8the voice of many waters1 and the peal of mighty thunders1 and the notes of harpers harping upon their harps20 but never1 even when surrounded by all that was best calculated to produce a sentiment of devotion in my mind--never did ,i experience so rapt a feeling of communion with 8the armies of heaven0--as ,i felt in that unadorned meeting-room1 surrounded by those plain but earnest and united people4 ,nor was ,i alone in this4 ,the feeling was contagious4 ,there was not one present who did not sympathize4 ,and thus1 ,i suppose1 melody has always played a prominent part in all religious revivals1 whether of divine or human origin4 ,the ,apostles had their psalms1 and hymns1 and spiritual songs2 the ,martyrs their ,te ,deum2 the ,waldenses made the hills and vales of ,piedmont vocal with their singing2 the ,lollards and ,hussites had their melodies2 and in more modern days the followers of ,luther1 ,wesley1 and 7may ,i add87 ,joseph ,smith1 have poured out the fulness of their souls after the same fashion4 ,the last notes of the hymn had scarcely died away when another1 and then another brother1 arose and bore testimony to the great work1 told what the ,lord had done for them personally1 told of their zeal for the faith1 and fervently exhorted all present to persevere unto the end4 ,again prayer was offered1 another hymn sung1 and the ,saints were dismissed with a solemn benediction4 ,,chapter ,,iv4 ,,life ,,among ,,the ,,saints--,,my ,,new ,,engagements4 ,i was now a ,mormon in every sense of the word1 although entirely ignorant of ,utah politics and polygamy4 ,my dreams were of a life of happiness spent in seeking to convert the whole world to the religion of ,jesus1 which ,i believed had been restored again to earth by the ministry of holy angels4 ,it is easy to say that such an ambition was ill-directed when associated with ,mormonism1 but no one can deny that1 in itself1 it was the noblest and purest that could inspire the heart of man4 ,there was no sacrifice too great for me to make2 there was no object too dear for me to resign1 if it stood in the way of my sacred calling4 ,the whole current of my thoughts and plans was now changed4 ,it was henceforth my duty to be entirely forgetful of self1 and to devote my energies--my all--to the advancement of the ,kingdom of ,god4 ,my life was to be identified with the ,saints1--my faith required it1 and ,i was willing that it should be so4 ,but what of my beloved ,france1 all this time2 and my betrothed husband8 ,this reflection aroused within me a most painful train of thought4 ,how many fond and endearing memories entwined themselves around my heart at that moment1 when most ,i needed to banish them for ever6 ,with what lingering love did ,i look back to those dear ones from whom ,i had parted but a few short weeks before1 and whom ,i might perhaps never see again6 ,to return would be to desert my newly-adopted friends and faith--to violate the covenant which ,i had made at baptism to 8be ever afterwards governed by the servants of ,god40 ,no2 it was too late--,i could not now return2--,i tried to persuade myself that ,i did not even wish to2--in a word1 affection1 and what ,i thought duty1 were at war together in my heart4 ,all my former ties and associations must now be severed1 however terrible the cost might be2 and ,i was bound not only to submit1 but even to glory in the sacrifice4 ,thus ,i argued away the regrets which would at times agitate my very soul1 and cause me much painful thought4 ,the trial of my profession in the new faith came swiftly to my door4 ,my marriage-engagement must be broken off1 though ,i knew not how that could honourably and conscientiously be done4 ,of myself ,i had no wish to draw back from anything that ,i had promised of my own free will2 and much less did ,i desire to be faithless to my solemnly plighted word4 ,i now first realized the all-absorbing influence of an earnest religious faith4 ,i was brought face to face with the fact that ,i could not marry out of the ,mormon ,church4 ,the teaching of the ,elders was against it1 and ,i saw that in this they were consistent4 ,great as was the trial1 and painful as was the sacrifice1 ,i resolved to be true to my religion4 ,how very earnestly the ,elders insisted upon such sacrifices1 may be seen from an appeal made at a later date by the 8,apostle0 ,orson ,pratt4 ,brother ,orson was in ,europe1 and1 speaking authoritatively1 he set forth the duties of mothers and daughters in 8,babylon10 as he graciously styled the rest of the world1 in the following terms1 which unmistakably show the purposes of the leaders relative to marriage3-- 8,many of you have daughters1 some of whom are grown to womanhood2 others are now young4 ,would1 you have them gather with you to a land where virtue and peace dwell1 where ,god has promised to protect and bless the righteous8 ,if so1 teach them1 as they love their parents1 and the ,saints1 and the truth1 not to throw themselves away by marrying ,gentiles2 teach them to keep themselves entirely aloof from ,gentile courtships and associations4 ,scores of women who once were counselled as you are now1 are mourning in wretchedness1 in bondage to ,gentile husbands1 cut off from all privilege of gathering with their fathers1 mothers1 brethren1 and sisters2 and1 in some instances1 cut off from even attending the ,saints' meetings4 ,but this is not all4 ,they are raising up children in these lands to perish with themselves in the general desolations coming upon ,babylon4 ,but what is still more aggravating and heart-rending1 they are raising up children not only destined for temporal judgments1 but who must for ever be cut off from the presence of ,god and the glory of the celestial kingdom4444 ,what fearful responsibility for any young sister to voluntarily take upon herself1 after all the warnings she has received4 ,see to it1 then1 parents1 that you not only do not give your consent1 but actually forbid all such marriages4444 8,let them marry according to the holy order of ,god1 and begin to lay the foundation of a little family kingdom which shall no more be scattered upon the face of the earth1 but dwell in one country1 keeping their genealogies from generation to generation1 until each man's house shall be multiplied as the stars of heaven40 ,these were the influences which were brought to bear upon my mind at a time when it was peculiarly sensitive1 and open to impressions from without4 ,while in this uncertain state a little incident occurred which1 though in itself of the most trifling nature1 assisted in forming my ultimate decision4 ,it was a beautiful evening in early summer1 and my mother and sister asked me to accompany them to one of the testimony-meetings which ,i have already described4 ,this meeting was very similar to the others1 with one notable exception3--it was here that ,i saw and heard1 for the first time in my own experience1 the 8gift of tongues0 exercised4 ,long before ,i had even heard of ,mormonism1 ,i had frequently thought how wonderfully useful this gift must have been to the ,apostles4 ,one of the great difficulties encountered by the missionary is learning the language of the people among whom he works and lives4 ,to be able to dispense with all this labour1 and to be understood wherever he went1 must have lightened the mind of the holy man of half its load2 and naturally1 when ,i heard that the ,mormons had 8the ,gift of ,tongues10 ,i supposed it was the self-same power of diverse speech as that exercised by the ,apostles2 and ,i presume the reader will conjecture with me that it was the same 8gift10 or1 at least1 some imitation of it4 ,how surprised ,i was when ,i first discovered the meaning of the term 8speaking in tongues0 among the ,mormons1 may perhaps be imagined when ,i explain what happened at that testimony-meeting4 ,after prayer1 and singing1 and listening to several very fervent addresses from some of the elders1 ,brother ,seely had delivered a most impassioned speech1 and had hardly concluded1 when ,sister ,ellis1 who was sitting near me1 gave evidence of being in an abnormal condition of mind1 which to me was painful in the extreme4 ,her hands were clenched1 and her eyes had that wild and supernatural glare which is never seen1 save in cases of lunacy or intense feverish excitement4 ,every one waited breathlessly1 listening to catch what she might say2--you might have heard a pin drop4 ,then in oracular language and with all the impassioned dignity of one inspired of heaven1 she began to speak4 ,i say 8speak10 as that term is generally applied to the utterances of the human voice2 but she did not speak in the sense in which we always employ that word2 she simply emitted a series of sounds4 ,they seemed to me chiefly the repetition of the same syllables--something like a child repeating1 la1 la1 la1 le1 lo2 ma1 ma1 ma1 mi1 ma2 dele1 dele1 dele1 dela--followed1 perhaps1 by a number of sounds strung together1 which could not be rendered in any shape by the pen4 ,sometimes in the ,far ,west1 in later years1 ,i have heard old ,indian women1 crooning weirdly monotonous and outlandish ditties in their native tongue4 ,these wild dirges1 more nearly than anything else ,i ever heard1 resembled the prophetic utterances of ,sister ,ellis2 save only1 that the appearance of the latter was far too solemn to admit of even a smile at what she said4 ,ridiculous as this appears when ,i now write it down on paper1 and strange as even then it was to me1 there was something so commanding1 so earnest1 so 8inspirational10 if ,i may be allowed the term1 in ,sister ,ellis's manner1 that ,i could not wonder at the attention which the brethren and sisters paid to this gifted speaker in tongues4 ,i now know that these extraordinary displays are by no means confined to ,mormonism4 ,people of a certain temperament1 excited to frenzy--generally by religious enthusiasm--have in all ages given painful illustrations of this mental disease2 as the student who remembers the ,convulsionnaires of the middle ages1 the ,munster ,anabaptists of ,luther's time1 and the various emotional sects of more modern days1 will abundantly bear me witness4 ,but at that time1 new in the faith1 and believing as ,i did that1 as the ,elders said1 it was the manifestion of the power of ,god1 as foretold by the prophet ,joel1 though ,i secretly felt a sense of repugnance1 ,i tried to combat my better sentiments4 ,overcome by the excitement of the moment1 ,sister ,ellis suddenly paused1 not so much intentionally as from sheer inability to proceed2 and the leading ,elders looked round from one to another to see if any one was present who could interpret4 ,the gift of interpretation is very rarely possessed by the same person who has the gift of tongues1 and you may often hear one after another arise and 8speak10 but there is no one to 8interpret10 and the ,saints go away unedified4 ,even when an interpreter is present1 there is no authority to determine whether he gives the proper rendering of the sounds uttered1 and ,i have over and over again heard the most ludicrous stories of the comical interpretation placed by some half-witty or half-witted expounder upon these oracles4 ,when ,brother ,brigham--then a man who was lowly in his own eyes--first met the prophet ,joseph ,smith1 at ,kirtland1 ,ohio1 there was a scene somewhat like the one ,i have described2 and the future leader of 8this people10 as he calls the ,saints1 himself spake with tongues and uttered wonderful things4 ,but even supposing his words at that time to have been of the wisest1 we all know from the example of ,balaam's reprover1 that it does not require a very high order of intellect to speak in unaccustomed language--and that1 too1 to some purpose4 ,in later days the exercise of this gift has been discouraged by the ,elders1 and especially by ,brigham ,young4 ,going one day1 some years after1 to the ,lion-,house to see a certain member of the ,prophet's little family concerning a subject which lay very near to my heart at that time1 we prayed together earnestly and anxiously2 when suddenly the lady's face was lighted up with a supernatural glow1 and placing her hand on my head she1 sibyl-like1 poured forth a flood of eloquence which--although ,i did not understand a single word that was uttered--,i confess sent through me a magnetic thrill as if ,i had been listening to an inspired seeress4 ,another of ,brigham's wives who was present interpreted the words of blessing to me1 but added3 8,do not speak of this1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 for ,brother ,young does not like to hear of these things40 ,thus we see that one inspired prophet in the presence of another 8prophet1 seer1 and revelator10 could himself take part at one time in a miraculous manifestation1 which in later years he 8would not like to hear of10 if it was only one of his many wives who enacted the prophet's rle4 ,but my meeting6 ,i have wandered far away from that4 ,let me proceed4 ,after more testimony1 more 8speaking10 and much enthusiasm1 the ,saints separated4 ,my sister was talking with a young-lady friend1 and regretting that no one present had been able to interpret2 and ,i stood by1 but did not join in the conversation4 ,suddenly the young lady turned to me and said3 8,sister ,fanny1 do you not see in all this1 more and more1 the convincing power of ,god80 ,rather hesitatingly ,i replied1 8,yes1 ,i think ,i do40 8,think6 sister80 said she1 with warmth4 8,oh1 yes1 ,i see by your looks that you are only half convinced2 your faith is not strong enough yet2 but remember1 whatsoever is of doubt is sin60 8,but10 ,i answered1 8,i do not see clearly what good we receive from these manifestations when no one can understand them40 8,that is your want of faith--nothing else2 you have the evidence of the truth before you1 and you see how these miraculous powers build up the belief of ,god's people2 and yet you doubt4 ,to doubt is sin3 whatsoever is not of faith is sin4 ,you must pray and strive1 sister1 to be strengthened against temptation40 ,all this was not very logical1 and it certainly did not help to dispel my doubts4 ,but twice in the course of a few short sentences1 she had used a certain expression which1 though trifling in itself1 was recalled to my mind very forcibly before many days had passed4 ,this was my first experience of speaking in tongues4 ,but there were every-day matters of much more real importance to me than those strange speculations which had recently employed so much of my time and attention4 ,it was now necessary that ,i should either return to ,france and fulfil my engagement with ,monsieur ,d---- or else resolve1 once and for ever1 to renounce all those ties which had become so dear to me4 ,meanwhile1 religious theories were not the only influences brought to bear upon my mind4 ,while day by day ,i began to be still more doubtful whether it would not after all be sinful in ,god's sight for me to leave my friends in the new faith and go back to ,france and my betrothed1 who ,i knew neither was nor ever could become a ,saint1 other thoughts began to intrude themselves1 and to shake my determination4 ,elder ,stenhouse's visits to my father's house began to be more frequent than ever1 but as he desired to become familiar with the ,french language1 and would bring his ,french grammar with him 8to get a lesson10 as he said1 no particular notice was taken of his frequent coming4 ,he was always welcomed with pleasure by the whole family1 and1 of course1 by myself1 who was his teacher4 ,after awhile he took so much delight in his studies that he could not endure to let an evening pass without a lesson2 and somehow or other1 ,i must confess1 it was the first time since ,i had been a teacher that ,i felt such a peculiar pleasure in imparting instruction4 ,i suppose it was the interest which all teachers experience when their pupils are studiously inclined4 ,my pupil was particularly studious--so much so that he told my father and mother that he could not study very well in the parlour where every one was conversing1 and begged the privilege of having the folding doors thrown partly open1 that we might sit in the back parlour and be more quiet4 ,this was granted4 ,but after a few evenings my pupil took a notion to partly close the folding doors after him1 and1 as mother's eyes are ever watchful1 one of my sisters was sent in with her sewing to keep us company4 ,but my pupil by this time had made rapid progress in the ,french language1 and while my sister was innocently sewing1 he was repeating his lesson to me2 and it was not our fault if in those ,french phrase-books there were passages expressive of love and devotion4 ,unconsciously to us both1 he formed the habit of repeating those phrases to me at all times1 and ,i formed the equally bad habit of blushing whenever he made use of them4 ,this my sister observed1 and communicated the fact to my mother1 who immediately said that we had better discontinue our ,french for awhile1 as it was monopolizing too much of our time1 and keeping both of us from attending to other and more important duties4 ,but the discontinuation of the ,french lessons did not put an end to the visits of ,elder ,stenhouse4 ,he was a persevering young man2 but the secret of the great interest taken in the ,french lessons was soon discovered4 ,then it was that arguments of all kinds1 and strong reasons1 were brought forward to shake my purpose of returning to ,france4 ,i was 8in doubt20 when one day1 discussing the point1 ,elder ,stenhouse made use of the very same expression which had fallen from the sister's lips at the testimony-meeting--8,whatsoever is not of faith is sin40 ,my mind unsettled1 with all the strength of argument and religion on the one side1 and on the other no one to plead for reason and for my return to ,france1 who can wonder that ,i--at best only a weak and inexperienced girl--listened to the entreaties of my friends1 and resolved to stay4 ,in the course of a few months ,i was engaged to be married to ,elder ,stenhouse4 ,it may1 perhaps1 seem strange that ,i could so soon forget the past1 with all its pleasant memories and renouncing my betrothed husband1 accept the attentions of another2 but it should be remembered that ,i now firmly believed it was my duty--a duty which ,i dared not neglect--to blot out for ever all past associations1 however dear to my heart they might be4 ,besides which1 ,i1 in common with all around me1 had learned to look upon ,elder ,stenhouse as almost an angel1 on account of what he had endured for the gospel's sake2 and ,i thought that any girl might consider herself honoured by an offer of marriage from a man in his position in the ,church4 ,my marriage in ,france would1 ,i feared1 have been but doubtful happiness in this world1 and certain ruin in the next2 but heaven itself would bless my union with one of its own ordained and tried servants4 ,thus it came to pass that on the #fth of ,february1 #ahej--;eight months after my arrival in ,southampton--,i was married to the young ,mormon missionary1 ,elder ,stenhouse4 ,i entered upon my new sphere as a missionary's wife1 feeling that there were no obstacles so great that ,i could not overcome them for the gospel's sake4 ,how little could ,i then imagine the life that was before me6 ,i wrote to my friends in ,france4 ,i told them frankly all4 ,in return they wrote to me--especially ,monsieur ,d----1 entreating me to alter my determination4 ,kind1 and very gentle1 were those letters4 ,dear1 very dear1 has been the memory of them1 and of their writers1 in later days4 ,but at the time ,i felt that the influence which they still retained over me was in itself a sin4 ,,chapter ,v4 ,,the ,,first ,,whisperings ,,of ,,polygamy4 ,about three months after our marriage it was rumoured that four of the ,twelve ,apostles had been appointed to foreign missions1 and were then on their way to ,england4 ,the ,saints in ,britain had been for several years without any missionaries direct from the body of the church1 and the announcement of this foreign mission was hailed with joy4 ,i confess to experiencing much pleasure at the thought of becoming acquainted with a living ,apostle4 ,how often in my girlhood ,i had wished that ,i had lived when men inspired of ,god walked the earth4 ,what a joy1 ,i thought1 it would have been to have listened to the wisdom of such teachers4 ,now the time was near when ,i should realize all the happiness of my day-dreams--when ,i should really have the privilege of conversing with those chosen men of ,god4 ,the invitation1 therefore1 to meet the ,conference in ,london on the #ast of ,june1 was very welcome intelligence4 ,we went to the ,london ,conference--my husband and ,i2 and there for the first time ,i met with ,apostles1 who were also ,prophets1 and ,priests1 and ,high-priests1 and ,teachers1 and ,elders1 and ,deacons--all assembled in solemn convocation4 ,the four ,apostles whom ,i met at that time were ,john ,taylor1 ,lorenzo ,snow1 ,erastus ,snow1 and ,franklin ,d4 ,richards--pleasant and agreeable men1 and withal very fair specimens of ,mormon missionaries1 who had found favour in the eyes of ,brigham ,young and of the leaders in ,zion1 and who had been promoted accordingly4 ,they lived comfortably1 wore the finest broadcloth1 fashionably cut1 and were not averse to gold chains1 and charms1 and signet-rings1 and other personal adornments4 ,they put on no particular airs1 were as polite and attentive to ladies as gentlemen always are1 and could go to a theatre or any other place of amusement without hesitation4 ,i afterwards discovered that in one particular1 at least1 if not in all1 they resembled the early ,apostles1 for they too could1 like ,st4 ,paul1 8lead about a sister0 without any compunctions of conscience4 ,the ,southampton ,saints had hitherto formed only a branch of the ,london ,conference1 but did not form a conference of their own4 ,it was now resolved that since so large a number had recently been baptized in ,hampshire1 the several branches of the church there should be organized into a special conference at ,southampton1 with ,elder ,stenhouse as its president2 and the ,sunday following was appointed for that purpose1 when the ,apostle ,snow1 en route to ,italy--to which country he had just been appointed missionary--would honour the occasion with his presence4 ,as we returned1 some gentlemen in the same railway carriage1 to while away the time1 ,i suppose1 entered into a religious discussion4 ,what the subject was ,i do not now remember2 but ,i can recollect that a good deal was said as to which of all the numerous ,christian sects really possessed ,divine authority4 ,elder ,stenhouse took an active part in the argument1 and being1 like all the ,mormon ,missionaries at that time1 very well posted in ,scriptural discussions1 he attracted considerable attention1 and was much complimented by several persons present4 ,the ,apostle ,lorenzo ,snow was silent all the time1 but he took note of all that passed4 ,elder ,stenhouse was a man of great zeal and untiring energy--qualities in which perhaps ,brother ,snow felt himself a little deficient2 and he was going on a mission which required unflagging devotion and perseverance4 ,we had not been an hour at home1 before he told my husband that the ,lord had thrice revealed to him that he should accompany him to ,italy6 ,how often--even while ,i still clung to ,mormonism--did it appear strange to me that the 8revelations0 of distinguished ,saints should so frequently coincide with their own personal wishes1 and come at such convenient times4 ,i had laid aside my travelling-dress1 and was hastening to provide some refreshment for the ,apostle1 when my husband came and told me of the revelation which had been so opportunely received4 ,i was at that time as much an enthusiast as ,elder ,stenhouse himself1 and ,i felt honoured that my husband should be the first ,english elder appointed to a foreign mission4 ,here was the fulfilment of my ambition1 that we should be in the forefront of the battle1 and should obtain distinction as zealous servants of ,god4 ,but at what a cost was this ambition purchased6 ,my poor1 weak heart sickened at the thought--,i had been but four months married4 ,when the ,apostle asked me if ,i were willing that ,elder ,stenhouse should go to ,italy1 ,i answered 8,yes10 though ,i felt as if my heart would break4 ,i remembered that in my first transport of joy and gratitude after being baptized1 ,i had made a covenant with the ,lord that ,i would do anything which ,he might require of me2 and ,i dared not rebel1 or break that vow4 ,oh1 the agony that fell upon my young heart6 ,it seemed that the weight of a mountain rested upon it when ,i was told that my husband might be five years absent4 ,he had already been five years a travelling elder without a home1 trusting for daily bread to the voluntary kindness of the ,saints4 ,he had laboured faithfully1 and looked forward to the day when his 8,conference0 should be established1 and he could count upon an improvement in his temporal position1 and an early call to emigrate to ,zion4 ,in the few months that ,i had been his wife1 it was only natural that ,i should share his hopes2 but just at the moment when they were about to be realized1 hopes and expectations were scattered to the winds4 ,on the following day the ,saints assembled1 the ,southampton ,conference was organized1 and ,elder ,stenhouse elected its president4 ,ten minutes later he was publicly appointed by the ,apostle on a mission to ,italy4 ,during the few days which intervened between the time when ,elder ,stenhouse received his appointment1 to the hour of his departure1 ,i enjoyed but little of his society4 ,arranging the affairs of the ,conference which he was leaving1 and preparation for his mission1 fully occupied his attention4 ,i do not think we either of us uttered a word1 when alone together1 respecting the future that was before us4 ,it was probably better that we did not4 ,there are moments of our life when silence is better than speech2 and it is safer to trust in the mercy of ,god than to try to shape our own destiny4 ,the ,saints are noted for the fraternal spirit which exists among them4 ,there are1 of course1 exceptions2 but1 as a rule1 every ,mormon is willing to help his brother in the faith1 acting upon the principle 8,one is your ,master1 even ,christ3 and all ye are brethren40 ,the ,southampton ,saints were no exception to this rule1 but showed their kindness both to my husband and myself in a thousand little ways4 ,i have spoken of my unhappiness during that week of preparation1 but ,i must not forget that there were gleams of hope in the darkness4 ,one occasion ,i shall never forget--a picnic which our friends held as a kind of valedictory feast in honour of the missionaries--of ,elder ,stenhouse in particular4 ,right up the ,southampton river1 not far from ,netley ,abbey1 is a pleasant and picturesque spot1 named ,bittern1 which ,i need not too particularly describe1 although the memory of its beauty recalls recollections of mingled sadness and pleasure to my mind4 ,there my parents now lived1 and thither it was proposed our friends should go4 ,they could obtain all they needed for the picnic at my father's house1 and we could take our good things into the woods1 and enjoy ourselves as we pleased4 ,we had a very happy time2 for the moment1 even ,i forgot the cloud that was hanging over me2 and our dear friends not only enjoyed themselves to the utmost1 but seemed bent upon making the time pass pleasantly to every one else4 ,i had been talking to ,sister ,white about the recent doings of the ,saints1 the establishment of the ,conference and the sending away of ,elder ,stenhouse4 ,i wanted ,sister ,white1 as in fact ,i wanted every one else1 to think that ,i was perfectly happy in the separation1 and that ,i counted my feelings as a wife as nothing when placed in the balance against my duty as a missionary2 and ,i tried to impress upon her how proud ,i was that my husband should be the first ,english ,elder entrusted with a foreign mission4 ,we talked together a great deal4 ,she was still quite a young woman1 though married1 and the mother of four darling little children2 but probably she had a better experience than ,i had1 and could see through my attempts to stifle my natural feelings1 while at the same time she sympathized with me4 ,she spoke very kindly to me2 and as we talked1 we wandered inadvertently away from the rest of the party4 ,suddenly she thought of her little boy1 and1 mother-like1 thinking he might be in danger1 ran off in search of him1 promising to come back immediately4 ,i sat down upon the grass to await her return4 ,i was somewhat excited by the conversation which had passed between us2 but as ,i sat musing my agitation began to cool down1 and ,i was soon lost in thought1 and did not notice that ,i was not alone4 ,i did not hear the light footsteps near me1 and did not see a little fairy friend1 as ,i called her1 pass between me and the sun4 ,but a tiny hand was laid gently on my shoulder1 and looking up ,i saw the loving eyes of ,mary ,burton looking straight down into mine4 8,where have you been1 dear80 ,i asked4 8,why1 ,i have hardly seen you all the day40 8,but ,i knew you were here10 she said1 8and ,i thought you were alone2 and ,i wanted to see you1 and talk with you40 8,come and sit down beside me1 ,mary10 ,i said1 8and let us have a little chat together40 ,then ,i drew her gently towards me1 and she sat down by my side4 ,for a few moments we said nothing1 but ,i was watching her1 and waiting to hear what she would say4 ,she seemed such a pretty1 such a sweet and gentle girl--more like one of those little birds of glorious plumage and thrilling song that we see glittering among the dew-drops and the dancing leaves1 than a child of earth4 ,and ,i pitied her for her beauty1 for such beauty is a snare2 and ,i wondered whether her innocent soul was as fair and glorious before ,god as her face was sweet to me2 and ,i asked whether1 in years to come1 when the glory of her childish radiance had passed away1 the brightness of a soul pure and serene would lend a new beauty to her features--the beauty1 not of childish innocence1 but of a noble womanhood4 ,i took her hand in mine1 and asked her some trifling question2 but she did not answer4 ,suddenly she looked up full into my face1 and said1 8,sister ,stenhouse2 ,i'm very1 very sorry for you40 8,sorry for me1 dear80 ,i said4 8,why should you be sorry8 ,i am not sad40 8,you shouldn't say so10 she replied2 8you know in your heart you are sad1 although you don't say so4 ,it's a fine thing1 no doubt1 for ,elder ,stenhouse to go away1 though for my part ,i'd rather stop at home if ,i loved any one there2 and at any rate1 you must feel sorry that he is going away so far1 if you love him40 8,but ,mary10 ,i said1 8you know it is his duty to go2 and he has been called to it by the ,apostle1 and it is a great honour40 8,oh yes1 ,i know that10 she replied1 8,i know that40 ,then we relapsed into silence for some few moments4 ,presently drawing nearer to me1 she said again1 quite suddenly1 8,sister ,stenhouse1 do you know the meaning of the word ,polygamy80 8,why1 what a funny question to ask me1 child60 ,i exclaimed4 8,child1 you call me1 ,sister ,stenhouse2 but ,i'm not a child--at least not quite a child2 ,i shall be fifteen next birthday40 8,well1 dear10 ,i said1 8,i did not mean to offend you2 and ,i call you #8child' because ,i love you2 but you asked me such a strange question1 and used such a strange word40 ,this was quite true1 for at that time the word ,polygamy was as seldom used as the word 8polyandry10 or any other word signifying a state of things with which we have nothing to do4 8,i'm not offended10 she said2 8only people have a way of treating me as if ,i were only such a very little girl3 ,i suppose ,i look so40 ,she certainly did look so1 and ,i suppose she read my thoughts4 ,womanhood1 by-and-by1 brought to her more of reality1 both in face and figure1 as well as in the terrible facts of life2 but at that time the term 8little fairy10 which ,i have so often used respecting her1 seemed the most appropriate4 ,the meaning of that terrible word ,polygamy she understood1 in later years1 fully as well as ,i did4 8,well1 dear10 ,i said1 8why did you ask me that strange question80 8,you must promise not to be angry with me if ,i tell you10 she answered2 8and yet ,i think you ought to know40 ,i readily promised--what could ,i have refused her8--and she said1-- 8,the other day two of the sisters were at our house--,i may not tell you their names for fear of making mischief--and they were talking together between themselves1 and did not notice that ,i was present--or else they didn't care4 ,and ,i heard one of them tell the other1 that she had heard1 secretly1 that in ,zion men were allowed to have many wives2 and she used that word ,polygamy very often1 and said that was what the people of the world called it40 8,well1 ,mary dear10 ,i replied1 8that is no great secret4 ,we have all heard that said before4 ,wicked people who hate the ,gospel say that1 and a great deal more1 in order to bring scandal upon the ,church2 but of course it isn't true40 8,ah1 but ,i haven't told you all10 she said4 8,the sisters had a long talk about it1 and they explained whom they heard it from1 and it was from no one outside the ,church4 ,and then one of them said that ,elder ,stenhouse had heard all about it1 and knew it was true1 only of course he did not talk about such things yet2 but that the time would come when everyone would acknowledge it1 and all the ,saints would have many wives4 ,i was frightened when ,i heard this1 and very angry--for ,i thought of you--and ,i spoke to her1 and said it was all untrue1 and ,i'd ask ,elder ,stenhouse4 ,and they scolded me very much for saying so1 and said it was very wicked for a child to listen2 and that was why ,i did not like you to call me #8child4'0 8,well1 darling10 ,i said1 8,i'll not offend you any more in that way2 and it was very good of you to tell me anything you thought ,i ought to know40 ,then ,i kissed her1 and continued1 8,but1 after all1 ,i don't think it's of any consequence4 ,it's the old scandal1 just as in the early days they said wicked things of ,christ and ,his apostles4 ,elder ,stenhouse knows all that people say1 but he has told me again and again that there is not a word of truth in it2 and ,i believe him40 8,you think so1 ,sister ,stenhouse10 she replied1 8and ,i suppose ,i ought to think so too2 but if it's all false how did people first begin to think of it8 ,people don't say that the ,mormons are murderers or thieves1 because we have given them no reason to think so4 ,then why should they think of such an unheard-of thing as ,polygamy--surely there must have been some reason4 ,don't you think so80 8,no1 dear10 ,i answered1 8,elder ,stenhouse says that some very wicked men have sometimes joined the ,church1 and have done all manner of shocking things1 so that they had to be cut off2 and then they went about trying to make other people believe that the ,mormons were as wicked as they were4 ,there was ,john ,c4 ,bennett1 who lived a frightful life at ,nauvoo1 and then tried to make out that ,joseph ,smith was as bad as he was4 ,and ,marsh1 the president of the twelve apostles1 and ,orson ,hyde1 when they apostatized not only said bad things of ,joseph1 but took affidavit1 and swore solemnly before the magistrates1 that the prophet had been guilty of the most fearful crimes40 ,i kissed her again2 and she said1 8,well1 perhaps you are right20 but ,i could see that in her heart she was not convinced4 ,then we talked of ourselves and all that interested us1 and she told me all her childish hopes and ambitions2 and to me--young as ,i was myself--it was pleasant to listen to her innocent prattle4 ,she promised to come and see me when ,elder ,stenhouse had gone1 and ,i should be left alone2 and when we got back to the rest of the party we were as firm friends as if we had known each other a lifetime4 ,at midnight1 ,saturday1 ,june #aeth1 #ahej1 the steamer left ,southampton for ,havre-de-,grace1 bearing on board the first two ,mormon missionaries to ,italy2 one of them was my husband4 ,the ,saints had called in the evening to bid ,elder ,stenhouse good-bye2 and as he was1 of course1 to travel 8without purse or scrip10 they vied with each other in showing their appreciation of his position and his devotion to the faith4 ,the poorest among them would not be denied the privilege of contributing their mites to aid in the conversion of the ,italians2 and none of the brethren felt that they could show too much kindness to the departing missionary4 ,just in this way have all the foreign missions of the ,mormon ,church been projected and sustained2 the elements of success were always present--devotion and self-abnegation on the part of the missionaries1 and an earnest1 self-sacrificing disposition on the part of the people1 commanding respect1 however erroneous or foolish the foundation of their faith4 ,in the bustle of departure1 ,mr4 ,stenhouse seemed never to have thought about himself1 and certainly he made no preparation for me4 ,i had full confidence in him1 however1 and loved him devotedly1 and knew that my love was returned4 ,but men who look for miracles1 and count upon special providences for daily bread1 are not generally very prudent or far-seeing in their domestic arrangements4 ,elder ,stenhouse had been told that 8the ,lord would provide10 and it therefore seemed to him superfluous that he should interfere2 it would have been a lack of faith to have shown too much interest in what might become of me4 ,he left me with only #al4 ,i now realized the loneliness of my position2 there was no earthly friend to whom ,i could turn for sympathy at a time like this4 ,before my ,heavenly ,father alone ,i could pour out the bitterness of my soul and all my griefs1 and in ,his presence weep and pray4 ,,chapter ,,vi4 ,,my ,,husband',s ,,mission--,i ,,am ,,left ,,alone4 ,when the ,apostle ,snow called upon ,mr4 ,stenhouse to go to ,italy1 the ,saints willingly accepted the responsibility of providing for me during his absence4 ,they thought it was more an honour than a burden to have this charge committed to them2 but it was very humiliating to me to be placed in such a position1 however anxious they might be to assist me and to serve the general cause4 ,to face opposition1 or to give my all for my religion1 ,i was willing indeed2 but to depend upon others for my daily bread was utterly repugnant to my feelings1 although1 of course1 if the ,church sent away my husband1 whose proper place and duty it was to support his family1 it was only right that the members of that ,church should undertake the responsibility4 ,but then1 and at many other times during my life1 ,i have learned the truth of ,christ's precept1 8,it is more blessed to give than to receive40 ,the ,american ,apostle was not without worldly wisdom when he proposed that an unmarried man should be appointed to preside over the ,southampton ,conference1 as his wants would be few4 ,but ,mr4 ,stenhouse had been solicited by a friend1 who had a wife and children1 to secure his appointment2 and with ready confidence in that friend1 he overlooked his own interests and my welfare1 and ,i was left to pass through trials and privations which ,i can never forget4 ,the ,saints were very kind1 and took pleasure in doing all they could for me2 but the mistake which my husband committed in leaving his friend to succeed him as president of the ,conference was soon apparent4 ,the 8friend0 thought of his own family first1 and the family required all that the ,saints could reasonably be expected to contribute2 and even then they had not enough4 ,i therefore received only such little sums as could be withheld from them2 and to make the matter worse1 those who had any property or estate were counselled to sell all1 and 8gather to ,zion40 ,the more wealthy ,saints were soon gone2 and the current expenses of the church fell heavily upon those who were hardly able to support their own families4 ,they tried to send me something every week1 and ,i have no doubt they did send me all that they could4 ,when their contributions reached four or five shillings 7about #a7 ,i thought myself fortunate2 more often ,i did not receive the value of fifty cents in the whole week1 at times less1 and sometimes nothing at all4 ,that unfailing comfort to respectable ,english poverty1 a cup of tea1 was my greatest luxury1 but at times for weeks together ,i had not even that2 ,i had nothing but bread2 but ,i never complained4 ,whenever it was possible ,i concealed my true situation from every one1 and in my almost daily letters to my husband not a shadow of a hint was ever dropped relative to my own privations4 ,i wanted him to be successful in his mission1 and ,i feared that his energy would desert him if he knew of my difficulties4 ,i was in extreme poverty1 certainly1 but for myself ,i was not in trouble4 ,god would provide for me1 ,i felt2 and it was glorious to suffer in a sacred cause4 ,but darker days1 days of severer trial1 were creeping slowly near me4 ,up to this time ,i had worshipped ,god and loved my husband with a perfect heart4 ,now the dark shadow of an accursed thing was looming in the distance1 and approaching surely if slowly4 ,in some way an idea had got abroad that the ,mormons were somewhat unsound respecting the marriage question4 ,still the elders stoutly denied the charge1 and the more they were accused the more strenuous became their denials4 ,at a public discussion at ,boulogne-sur-mer1 in ,france1 the ,apostle ,john ,taylor1 in reply to the accusations of ,polygamy which were brought against him1 said1-- 8,we are accused here of actions the most indelicate and disgusting1 such as none but a corrupt and depraved heart could have conceived4 ,these things are too outrageous to admit of belief4444 ,i shall content myself with quoting our views of chastity and marriage from a work published by us1 containing some of our articles of faith--,doctrine and ,covenants40 ,he then proceeded to quote from the 8,book of ,doctrine and ,covenants0 such passages as the following3-- 8,marriage is ordained by ,god unto man2 wherefore it is lawful that he should have one wife1 and they twain should be one flesh0 7p4 #bah74 ,he quoted many other things also1 among which might be enumerated the following3-- 8,thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart1 and shalt cleave unto her1 and none else40 ,he quoted also many other passages of ,scripture which had reference to the subject--each powerful to put aside even the idea of polygamy2 and each equally powerful as an argument against polygamy itself4 ,let the reader here note the value of what ,mormons say when their faith is called in question4 ,see and judge4 ,brother ,taylor1 who spoke at that meeting1 and utterly denied polygamy1 had himself--at that very moment when he so atrociously perjured himself1 and when he swore that no ,mormon had more than one wife--five wives living in ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,one of his friends there present had two wives2 and the other was married to a mother1 and her own daughter6 ,any conclusion1 any expression of disgust at these abominations and deliberate perjuries1 ,i leave to the reader4 ,among those who came to see ,mr4 ,stenhouse before he left for ,italy1 was ,elder ,margetts1 an ,english elder of some prominence in the ,british mission4 ,at the picnic of which ,i have already spoken1 ,i noticed that this elder was more than usually attentive to a pretty young sister who was also present4 ,there was always an affectionate familiarity among the ,saints2 as ,i previously mentioned1 they were like brothers and sisters1 and addressed each other as such4 ,but the attentions of the elder ,i speak of pointed a little beyond all this4 ,he could not1 perhaps1 be accused of any open impropriety1 but he certainly looked much more like the girl's lover than an ordinary friend or her spiritual adviser4 ,i knew this ,elder's family in ,london1 and his conduct pained me a good deal4 ,so ,i drew the attention of my husband to the circumstance2 and he said the ,elder was foolish1 but he would speak to them both2 and this he did4 ,after the departure of the missionaries1 this elder remained for several days4 ,he then returned to ,london1 but it was not long before he was again in ,southampton1 and he still paid marked attention to the same young sister4 ,this caused unpleasant remarks among the ,saints1 who at this time certainly did not believe that polygamy was practised in ,utah4 ,at a later date this ,elder1 with some others1 was again in ,southampton1 and ,i was invited to take tea with them at the house of one of the ,saints4 ,in the course of the evening there was a general conversation on 8the work of the ,lord10 in which ,i1 of course1 was greatly interested4 ,whenever any of the missionaries were visiting1 the ,saints would seek their society1 just like children who were glad to meet again their parents after a long absence2 and at such times they were at liberty to ask what questions they pleased4 ,on the evening ,i speak of1 ,i well remember that the general subject of conversation was the apostasy of the ,christian ,church from the true order of ,god's salvation4 ,prominence was given to the history of ,abraham and his descendants1 and occasional allusion was made to their marital relations2 but nothing directly was spoken4 ,it was very evident that these elders only wanted to drop a word or two here and there1 to suit those who wanted it2 but nevertheless they spoke so obscurely and mysteriously that they could easily have retracted what was said if any one had accused them of teaching a doctrine which they were unwilling openly to avow4 ,when ,i returned home that night ,i was fully satisfied that the ,elder ,i have spoken of had a reason for his frequent visits to ,southampton1 and shortly after the young sister went to ,london4 ,whether ,polygamy was ever to be a doctrine of the ,church or not1 it was very clear to me that the ,london ,elder was a polygamist at heart4 ,the more my mind dwelt on these things1 the more sick at heart did ,i become1 and faint and weary4 ,i had1 however1 personal cares and trials enough to engage my attention4 ,i found that ,i could not depend upon the ,saints to provide me with even the barest necessaries of life1 so ,i looked about me and made inquiries for some light employment by which ,i might support myself4 ,my health at that time would not have allowed me to do much1 but for a long time ,i could not get anything at all to do4 ,i had1 of course1 been used to teaching1 but employment of that kind it was just then impossible for me to take1 even if ,i could have got it2 the only resource which seemed left to me was to find occupation for my needle1 and it was a long and weary time before ,i could obtain even this4 ,at length ,i got a little plain sewing to do1 and out of the miserable pittance thus earned ,i contrived to pay my rent and provide a few necessaries2 but at times that too was beyond my power1 and ,i have gone a fortnight at a time with nothing to eat but dry bread4 ,still my faith never failed4 ,and thus the weary days passed by4 ,now1 however1 a new interest began to gather round my life1 for ,i expected before the end of the year the arrival of a little stranger to share my affections and my care4 ,this certainly was a sad beginning of domestic bliss1 but still the thought was pleasant to me4 ,i had at that time no one to aid me or comfort me4 ,the ,saints were very kind1 but they could not supply the place of an absent husband4 ,my dearest friend1 ,mary ,burton1 used to come as often as she could to see me1 and her presence was like a gleam of sunshine2 but she was so young1 and innocent1 and happy1 that ,i had not the heart to trouble her with my sorrows4 ,all my jewellery and trinkets1 and the greater part of my wardrobe1 had gone in providing for my daily wants1 and in preparing those necessary trifles upon which a young mother bestows so much loving care4 ,my health was daily failing1 and sometimes ,i doubted if ,i should ever be well and strong again4 ,but all that ,i suffered was for the ,church1 and that thought sustained me4 ,often ,i would sit alone and think--think of the past1 and all my early day-dreams of love1 and hope1 and bliss2 think of my husband in a far-off land devoting his life and all his energies to the preaching of the latter-day glory2 think of those whisperings of that accursed doctrine which has since brought desolation and anguish to the hearts of so many weary women2 think of my future life1 dark as its promise even then appeared4 ,sometimes ,i heard from ,italy--heard how my husband was progressing with his work1 and with wifely love ,i sympathized with him in all his difficulties1 for he told me how arduous the task was in which he was engaged4 ,it was not the expectation of the ,mormon ,apostles that the missionaries would do much in ,catholic ,italy4 ,the same causes were in operation there as affected the work in ,france4 ,few1 if any1 really good ,roman ,catholics have ever joined the ,saints4 ,the ,irish mission was never successful1 and the same may be said of the ,french and ,italian missions4 ,in ,france and ,italy by far the greater part of the people might be classed under two heads--,roman ,catholics1 and infidels4 ,the first had already an infallible guide in which they trusted2 and as for the infidels1 they ridiculed the idea of any guide at all4 ,both classes were utterly devoid of that acquaintance with ,scripture of which the ,mormon missionaries understood so well how to take advantage1 and which rendered those so susceptible to religious influences who took the ,bible as their basis4 ,the missionaries in ,italy soon experienced the difficulties presented by these facts4 ,after their arrival in ,genoa1 ,mr4 ,stenhouse was directed to carry the gospel to the ,waldenses--those brave old ,protestants of the dark ages1 who so manfully suffered1 even unto death1 for conscience sake2 and some time after he had begun his labours among them1 the ,apostle ,snow joined him4 ,whatever they might believe or teach theoretically1 there can be no doubt that the ,american ,apostles were largely endowed with the 8organ0 of caution4 ,preaching without purse or scrip among people who either detest you as a heretic or else regard you with profound indifference is not a pleasant task1 and the ,mormon ,apostles very prudently 8took up0 liberal collections in ,england before they started4 ,had it not been for this common-sense proceeding1 ,i am at a loss to say what would have become of the missionaries in ,italy2 and as it was1 their lot was not a very enviable one4 ,besides the scarcity of money1 the other great difficulty experienced by the missionaries was learning the language of their destined converts4 ,for many years it was supposed among the ,saints that the 8gift of tongues0 would be all-sufficient for this purpose4 ,the two distinguished ,apostles1 ,orson and ,parley ,p4 ,pratt1 whose writings did so much for ,mormonism1 had both of them eloquently discussed the subject in print2 but the missionaries soon discovered that for practical purposes the 8gift0 was not of much service2 and the two ,pratts themselves afterwards experienced--the one in ,south ,america and the other in ,austria--the fallacy of their theories4 ,without the 8gift0 in any shape the work in ,italy was necessarily very slow1 and an ,elder who could speak a little ,french was sent out from ,london to assist them4 ,they had at last come to the conclusion that if the ,lord would not bestow the 8gift0 upon them1 they must try to acquire it themselves4 ,the ,apostle ,snow now thought of sending the ,gospel to the ,swiss1 and ,mr4 ,stenhouse was selected for the work4 ,but before he went it was determined that the ,church in ,italy should be 8organized10 and about a week later1 ,i received a long account of how this was done4 ,i heard how1 one pleasant ,november morning1 the ,apostle ,snow1 ,elders ,stenhouse and ,woodward1 together with several ,waldenses whom they had converted1 ascended the mountain side contiguous to ,la ,tour1 and overlooking the fertile valley of ,pinerello4 ,there they sang praises and prayed4 ,they christened the place 8,mount ,brigham20 and the stone upon which the three elders stood and offered up a written prayer1 they named 8,the ,rock of ,prophecy20 and there they organized the church1 dedicating the soil of ,italy to the ,lord4 ,moreover1 then and there my husband was solemnly consecrated a 8,high-,priest after the ,order of the ,son of ,god40 ,all this ,i heard1 and much more2 and in confiding faith that this was indeed a great and glorious work1 ,i rejoiced that ,i had been accounted worthy to suffer patiently at home1 if only my husband might successfully fulfil his task abroad4 ,after that ,i heard that he had left ,italy1 and had arrived in ,geneva1 believing that he would be more successful among the ,swiss than the ,italians4 ,a few days after the arrival of the missionary in ,geneva1 an event occurred which interested my own self personally--my little ,clara was born4 ,very happy was ,i when ,i looked upon her tiny little face for the first time1 and kissed her for being the prettiest baby in the world2 very happy was ,i when ,i folded her in my arms1 and talked to her as if she could understand all that ,i said2 very happy indeed1 as ,i looked at her again and again1 and marvelled whether she really could be1 indeed and certainly1 my own baby girl4 ,it seemed as if baby's papa would never come back again1 but ,i had a companion now in my child2 and weak and weary as ,i was1 with new responsibilities and less power to help myself1 ,i found comfort in my new care1 and realized the truth of the old ,scotch song3-- 8,muckle lichter is the load ,when luve bears up the creel40 ,i was not now alone4 ,then1 too1 came round to see me1 ,mary ,burton4 ,she was as fond and tender to me as ever1 and tripped quietly about the room1 and tried to wait upon me1 and sat by the bed1 playing with baby1 calling her all the pretty things she could think of2 and ,i felt that her presence brought new light and life to my room4 ,she brought me another letter from my husband1 and ,i found that he was now acquiring for himself the 8gift0 of the ,french tongue1 unable to do much else1 as he and everybody didn't understand each other4 ,he could not yet talk to the ,french-speaking ,genevese2 and the ,english-speaking residents would not listen to him2 they had only heard of ,mormonism as a clumsy fraud1 and looked upon the prophet ,joseph ,smith as an impostor4 ,so1 for a whole winter1 he sat shut up in his own room1 poring over a ,french grammar1 and deploring his hard fate in being denied the gift of tongues4 ,in the spring of the new year ,i received a distinguished visitor1 who kindly interested himself in my welfare4 ,the ,apostle ,lorenzo ,snow left ,piedmont for ,england1 and passed through ,geneva en route4 ,on his way to ,london he called upon me at ,southampton1 and expressed much sympathy for me4 ,he noticed the change in my appearance1 and immediately sent for ,mr4 ,stenhouse to return to ,england4 ,he acted very kindly by me at that time2 did all that he could to assist me1 and said that he never again would ask any man to make such a sacrifice4 ,i fully appreciated all his kindness2 but much as ,i wanted to1 ,i did not venture to ask him about the truth or falsity of those terrible suggestions which ,i had heard whispered of late4 ,my husband hastened home1 coming by way of ,calais1 in order to meet his president and receive his instructions4 ,the ,apostle showed much sympathy for him1 and very early in the morning accompanied him some miles to the railway station2 but he never once mentioned how ,i had been situated in ,southampton until he left him1 and then he exacted from him a promise not to open his lips whatever he might learn4 ,i need not say that ,i was happy to see my husband once again1 and to present to him his little daughter1 who was now five months old4 ,he was1 of course1 soon busy in visiting the ,saints1 and he received from them many tokens of attachment4 ,in the beginning of ,june a ,general ,conference of the branches of the ,church in ,britain was held in ,london4 ,the ,apostles and foreign missionaries were present1 and my husband and ,i were also there4 ,we had speeches and prayers4 ,the business of the ,conference occupied but very few minutes1 for no measure was questioned4 ,among the ,mormons there are no opinions1 no discussion4 ,the presiding head has made out his programme before he comes to the ,conference2 he knows what he wants to do1 and no one ever questions him4 ,he may perhaps for form's sake invite the brethren to speak on any point he introduces2 but when he has furnished the clue to his wishes1 the ,elders who speak only spend their time in arguments in favour of his measures4 ,at the ,conference of which ,i speak the reports of the native elders were very cheering to us4 ,throughout ,england and ,wales they had been most successful in adding members to the ,church4 ,mormonism was then most successfully preached in ,britain4 ,there were more ,mormons there than in all ,utah ,territory3 there were fifty ,conferences1 with over seven hundred organized 8branches10 and more than six thousand men ordained to the priesthood4 ,that peculiar influence which the ,mormons call 8the ,spirit10 of which ,i have spoken elsewhere1 was spoken of by the ,elders as being a common experience everywhere4 ,during all that ,conference ,i listened carefully for a word from the lips of any of the speakers which might indicate in any way that ,polygamy was part of the ,mormon faith2 but not a whisper1 not a hint1 was uttered4 ,i naturally concluded that the ,elders1 whose doubtful expressions at ,southampton had so troubled my mind1 were misinformed or unsafe men4 ,still ,i could not altogether banish my apprehension of coming evil2 but so bound to secrecy were those who did know of ,polygamy being practised in ,utah1 that there was not one who would admit it1 and even my own husband's lips were sealed to me4 ,he did not deny it1 but he would not talk about it1 and did everything he could to banish the thought from my mind4 ,at that ,conference the ,apostle ,snow spoke very strongly of the way in which ,i had been neglected2 and it was arranged that ,elder ,stenhouse should return to ,switzerland1 and that ,i should accompany him4 ,my knowledge of ,french was expected to be very serviceable4 ,we now made preparations for an early departure1 and prepared to leave our friends4 ,to the reader it may seem strange for a man1 his wife1 and babe1 to be sent out in this way on a mission without any proper arrangement for their maintenance2 but to my mind1 at the time1 it seemed to me not only perfectly proper1 but altogether in accordance with ,god's word and commandment4 ,my young friend1 ,mary ,burton1 came round to bid me good-bye2 and the poor girl wept1 and ,i wept with her1 and we kissed one another tenderly as our tears mingled4 ,we had become very dear to each other1 and the thought of separation for years1 or perhaps for ever1 was very painful to us4 ,she hung about my neck at the last moment1 kissing me1 and begging me not to forget to write to her very1 very often2 and this ,i gladly promised her1 asking the same in return4 ,then with a fond embrace we parted1 and it was years before ,i saw her dear face again4 ,thus it was that we three--my husband1 my babe1 and myself--set forth on our pilgrimage to convert the ,swiss4 ,it was with no ordinary feelings that ,i entered the ancient city of ,geneva4 ,i was not ignorant of its history1 and the struggles of its inhabitants for civil and religious liberty4 ,it had been the refuge for the ,english ,protestants during the fiery days of ,queen ,mary2 just as in the time of the ,french ,revolution it was the refuge of infidel and ,papist1 royalist and republican alike4 ,there ,calvin lived in gloomy austerity1 battling with ,rome2 there ,servetus1 the ,unitarian1 was condemned to be roasted alive as a heretic2 and there we expected in our own humble way to be able to testify1 by our suffering and patience1 to what we firmly believed was the truth4 ,in free countries like ,england and the ,united states--free from the surveillance of a military police1 it is easy1 if he wishes it1 for the missionary to mount a chair at a street corner1 or hold forth under a tree2 and such has often been done4 ,but all over continental ,europe there is hardly a place where this would be possible4 ,in the various grand duchies1 kingdoms1 and empires1 paternal governments look too closely after the morals and religion of their subjects2 while under the ephemeral republics1 as long as they happen to last1 there is often to be found1 under the name of liberty1 a despotism more despotic than under the rule of royalty4 ,it is the colporteur1 the man of books and tracts1 who makes the converts there2 and in this slow way we soon found that we were destined to proceed4 ,during my husband's former stay in ,geneva he had had neither ,mormon books nor ,mormon papers1 with the exception of a paper published at ,boulogne1 containing a letter by the ,apostle ,taylor1 in ,french and ,english4 ,this single copy he lent to a ,genevese to read1 and never saw it again2 and yet in a short time1 even before he could properly speak ,french1 he converted and baptized two men in the ,rhone1 one of whom is to-day a devoted ,mormon in ,southern ,utah4 ,his first attack was upon a shoemaker1 whom he visited for the purpose of repairs4 ,while the shoemaker worked1 ,elder ,stenhouse talked2 and as the ,english are all reputed wealthy on the continent1 the friendly overtures of the ,mormon missionary were graciously received4 ,as they grew intimate1 ,elder ,stenhouse would sit down on the bench beside the man as he worked1 and taking from his pocket a ,french ,testament1 which he always carried about with him1 would try to read it aloud--the good-natured shoemaker undertaking to correct his pronunciation4 ,in this way he kept his auditor's attention constantly fixed upon certain passages1 more especially those which spoke of baptism for the remission of sins1 and the laying on of hands for the gift of the ,holy ,ghost4 ,so persistent was he that at last the shoemaker's curiosity was awakened1 and finally he was baptized2 but unfortunately1 not long after a small pamphlet upon the mission of ,joseph ,smith fell into his hands1 and made shipwreck of his faith4 ,with his second convert he was much more successful4 ,this time it was his landlord who was to be the subject of attack4 ,he was a tailor1 and1 fortunately for the missionary1 somewhat talkative4 ,the same arrangement was made about reading and correction1 and with a like result--the tailor was baptized4 ,just at this time came the ,apostle ,snow's letter1 telling my husband to return to ,england2 and as he might not leave the country without a representative1 he ordained the tailor a priest in the ,mormon ,church4 ,when we arrived in ,geneva1 ,monsieur le tailleur was all that constituted the ,church of ,jesus ,christ of ,latter-day ,saints in ,switzerland4 ,soon a few personal friends began to gather1 to hear the ,english missionary tell about the new religion2 and my husband being very much in earnest1 interest before long began to be excited4 ,i remember well our first meetings among the ,swiss--half-a-dozen people sitting round a table with open ,bibles before them1 passages from which ,mr4 ,stenhouse was trying in very bad ,french to make them understand4 ,i pitied him very much1 but those who were present made as if they did not notice his embarrassment1 and listened with marked attention4 ,among the ,mormons it is a woman's duty to keep silence2 ,i therefore remained a listener only4 ,but at the close of the service--for such it was regarded--when ,i might speak1 my missionary labours began2 ,i was aroused to eloquence1 and our parting was longer than our meeting4 ,the warmth with which the few who were present responded to our efforts satisfied me that they had come under the same mysterious influence which ,i had observed in ,england4 ,i was then convinced that ,mormonism could awaken the ,christian soul more to a realization of what it already possessed1 than impart to it any new moral or religious qualities4 ,mormonism of itself never made ,christians1 but ,christianity built up ,mormonism4 ,it was an awakening to the teachings of ,christ and ,his ,apostles that begat confidence in the mission of the ,mormon ,prophet4 ,although we observed the very strictest economy1 it did not take long for us to exhaust what little money we brought from ,england4 ,this placed us in a very awkward position4 ,it is inconvenient enough to be without money in one's own country1 where one understands and is understood by everybody2 but to be in a strange land1 especially in a country like ,switzerland1 where every ,englishman is supposed to be a 8milor0 and the bounteous dispenser of unlimited wealth1 it is more than inconvenient4 ,we left our first quarters1 where we had had so many visitors1 and rented a room from a widow woman1 who fortunately was not inquisitive4 ,she had a family of children to support2 and as we paid our rent monthly in advance1 she had no occasion to know whether or not we kept a bank account2 and we were thankful that it was so1 for1 had it been so ordained1 we could there have starved to death without attracting the notice of any one4 ,a nice thing to be thankful for6 ,we were not hopeless1 though we were heavy hearted2 but we had expected trial1 and could not complain1 for we knew from the beginning that thus it would probably be4 ,one day my husband received a letter from an infidel gentleman who lived in ,lausanne1 a neighbouring canton1 requesting him to come and see him1 that they might talk together over ,mormonism1 for he had heard of us and of our doctrine2 and my husband resolved to visit him before our money was all gone4 ,when ,mr4 ,stenhouse reached ,lausanne1 he visited first a ,protestant minister with whom he had some slight acquaintance1 and who was also interested in ,mormonism1 and told him that he was going to call upon the ,gouverneur de l',hpital4 ,the minister was greatly opposed to my husband visiting such a man4 8,he is a socialist10 he said1 8a revolutionist2 he fought at the barricades2 he is a mauvais sujet1 and anything but a fit person to be spoken to about religion40 ,this only increased the interest which ,mr4 ,stenhouse felt in the governor1 and made him more than ever determined to see him2 and he did see him1 although the good minister had represented him 8aussi noir que le diable40 ,so they met2 and my husband began the work for which he had come4 ,they had long talks together1 and my husband--as did the elders ever in such cases--spoke to the governor of redemption through ,christ1 and baptism for the remission of sins4 ,faith is not an act of the will4 ,like the unseen wind1 it comes1 and we see the power thereof1 but know not whence it proceeds4 ,thus at first the unbelieving governor found it2 he might find himself no match for the arguments of his opponent1 but he could not force his heart to believe1 and he was by no means a willing convert4 ,my husband1 however1 remained with him2 and before he left1 the governor had been baptized into the church4 ,our new convert proved to be a most excellent and worthy man1 notwithstanding his former infidelity1 and he was subsequently a great aid to us in our mission4 ,we felt satisfied that the expenses of that journey had been well spent1 although a few francs at that time could ill be spared4 ,but our circumstances seemed to be getting worse and worse1 and my health began to fail4 ,for several months neither of us had had sufficient nourishment1 and my anxieties increased my physical weakness4 ,i was dispirited1 yet ,i feared to complain1 or even to let my husband know what ,i felt4 ,at length ,i fell really ill1 and could not leave my bed4 ,i well remember the solemn silence that reigned in our home one day4 ,i had risen from my bed1 weak1 and oh1 so faint-hearted that ,i had scarcely any desire to live2 and ,i was sitting with my little daughter in my arms4 ,she had cried herself to sleep1 cold and hungry1 and1 much as ,i loved her--nay1 idolized her--,i confess that for an instant ,i harboured in my soul the impious1 the unnatural wish1 that rather than see my darling awake again to cold and hunger1 she might sleep her sweet young life away4 ,for me to yield to such a thought--to wish my child to wake no more6 ,i1 who would have given gladly the last drop of my life-blood to save her6 ,for me to look upon her innocent little face with such a thought6 ,i can hardly now believe that such a thing was possible1 even for a moment4 ,but ,i was desperate1 and bold1 and cowardly--all at the same time2 or my heart was humiliated by poverty1 and my faith was rousing bitter thoughts in my mind4 ,my husband was pacing the room4 ,i knew too well all that was passing in his mind1 although we had long been silent4 ,at length ,i said to him1 8,take courage1 dear1 for we are the servants of the great ,god1 and surely ,he will find a means of escape for us4 ,we were sent here2 we came because the ,lord wanted us to come1 and surely ,he will provide for us60 ,he turned to me in reply1 and said kindly1 8,we can at least have some water20 and he went for some water2 and then1 with as reverential feeling in his soul as ever inspired a grace before dinner1 he blessed it1 and we drank4 ,we had scarcely done so when the mail-courier brought a letter to our door4 ,governor ,stoudeman1 with a feeling of delicacy1 had hesitated1 when my husband visited him at ,lausanne1 to offer him any assistance2 but1 he said in his letter1 he had been 8impressed0 to do so1 and hoped that we should not be offended4 ,as the letter was opened1 a piece of gold fell upon the table4 ,we could hardly believe that ,god had so soon answered our prayers1 and sent us relief2 and our emotions of gratitude for this timely aid1 found expression in tears4 ,all this time our landlady knew nothing of our distress2 she was as ignorant of our situation as if she had never seen us4 ,so long as ,i was able to walk about1 ,i used at regular hours to go to the kitchen1 get the cooking utensils1 and go through the routine of cooking1 as if we had had a well-filled larder all the time4 ,i set the table with punctilious care1 and the good old widow never suspected but that we had plenty4 ,thus supposing that we wanted nothing1 she and her children were more than ordinarily kind to us and to our little girl1 who was now old enough to toddle round and go from room to room4 ,very often they would get her into their room at meal-time1 and give her little things to please her2 and while they felt honoured in being permitted to do so1 we were silently thankful for our child's sake1 for her sufferings were more than we could endure4 ,the temporary aid from ,lausanne was very welcome to us1 though it only served to make us feel more keenly our dependent position4 ,i might relate stories1 alas1 too true6 of cold and want2 of days1 and even almost an entire week1 passed at one time without food--stories which for painful detail would eclipse romance4 ,it was a weary waiting for ,providence6 ,such things are better forgotten4 ,and yet ,i feel that in after years my temper was more subdued1 and my mind more patient under affliction1 than it would have been had ,i not experienced this preparatory discipline4 ,people who have heard1 with a sneer1 of ,mormon missionaries and their work1 would perhaps have realized that faith may be sincere1 although mistaken1 if they could have seen us at that time4 ,the first teachers of a doctrine1 whether it be good or evil1 if only it stems the current opinions of the hour1 have ever found that at the end of a rocky way there was waiting for them a crown of thorns4 ,many a time since then ,i have felt the weight of anxious care in providing for my family2 the trial of our faith has not been light1 or seldom repeated2 but those days of trouble in ,switzerland were1 ,i think1 the darkest ,i ever experienced4 ,we realized literally the necessity of trusting to ,god's daily mercies for our daily bread2 and the assurance that the ,lord would provide1 was our only hope4 ,to say that we practised the strictest economy1 would be to give but a faint idea of the way in which we had to consider and contrive in order to exist at all4 ,for years we kept the 8,word of ,wisdom0--a 8,revelation of ,joseph ,smith10 which enjoined abstinence from wine1 coffee1 tea1 or1 in fact1 warm drinks of any kind2 and trifling as such self-denial may at first appear1 it was not really so when other privations were added thereto4 ,for months at a time we existed--for ,i dare not say lived--without what are considered1 even by the poorest1 the most common necessaries4 ,i can even recall to mind one trying week in ,switzerland1 when1 for the whole seven long days1 we had less than a pint of corn-flour to live upon1 and that was chiefly reserved for our poor child4 ,as ,i look back to those dark1 painful times ,i feel that it was by little short of a miracle that our lives were spared4 ,our faith alone saved us4 ,,chapter ,,vii4 ,,our ,,mission ,,in ,,switzerland--,,mutterings ,,of ,,the ,,coming ,,storm4 ,very soon after this we were notified that the ,apostle ,snow was on his way to ,switzerland1 and that we might shortly expect him4 ,this to me was joyful news1 for he had relieved me of my trouble once before1 and ,i almost looked upon him as my good angel4 ,he came1 and remained with us a few days2 and before he left he instructed ,mr4 ,stenhouse to repair to ,england1 to raise funds to aid the mission4 ,he also gave me a few pounds to procure what ,i needed for an event which ,i expected shortly to take place4 ,this kindness on his part brought to my mind such a sense of relief1 and so renewed my energy1 that ,i felt ready for my missionary labours again4 ,when my second child was about two months old ,i went to ,lausanne to reside1 while my husband was absent in ,england4 ,apartments were engaged for me at the house of a gentleman who had recently been baptized4 ,i was made very comfortable there1 and for the first time since my husband was sent on a mission1 ,i experienced a feeling of repose1 so that ,i now had some hopes of regaining mental and physical strength4 ,no provision had been made by the ,saints for my support2 but even without that1 ,i thought1 living among those who were themselves happy1 and one with us in the faith1 ,i should myself find more tranquillity of mind4 ,madame and ,monsieur ,balif1 in whose house ,i resided1 were persons of good social position4 ,the husband was one of nature's gentlemen1 and as good a man as ,i ever knew4 ,he received the ,mormonism taught by ,mr4 ,stenhouse with all his heart1 and never seemed weary of showing his gratitude by his good deeds4 ,madame ,balif did not at once join the church1 and probably never would have done so but for the love which she bore to her husband4 ,she was not1 however1 hostile to the new faith1 as some other wives were1 and she did all that she could to render pleasant my stay with them1 and tried to make me forget what ,i had suffered in ,geneva4 ,madame ,balif was a high-spirited1 impulsive woman1 and devotedly attached to her husband2 ,i never saw a woman more so4 ,she impressed me as being one of the happiest of wives2 he one of the best of husbands4 ,after ,i had lived in the house a few weeks1 she was baptized2 but she never was satisfied with ,mormonism4 ,poor1 dear lady6 ,how often have ,i bitterly regretted that ,i was instrumental in leading her into the ,mormon ,church1 in which1 as 7years later1 in ,utah7 she told me1 she endured such cruel humiliation and martyrdom4 ,i knew well indeed then what all that meant4 ,while ,i lived with them1 it was agreed that ,i should pay for my apartments monthly2 but after ,i had paid for the first month1 ,monsieur ,balif told me that ,i should do so no more4 ,and knowing that he meant it as an expression of kindness and gratitude on his part1 ,i felt relieved of all anxiety on that account4 ,all that ,i had1 even then1 for the support of myself and my two little ones was about five francs 7#a7 a week2 but my wants were few1 for ,i had taught myself to require nothing but what was absolutely necessary to keep me alive4 ,during ,mr4 ,stenhouse's absence1 the meetings were held in my parlour2 and as the brethren who had joined the church had not previously been religious men1 though they were persons of the best moral character1 they were very diffident about conducting the meetings1 and for a time could not think of praying before others4 ,it devolved upon me--of sheer necessity1 for ,i disliked prominence as much as they did--to lead the singing1 to pray1 to preach--in fact1 to do everything4 ,had ,i not done so1 they would have sat looking at each other1 for they were all too timid to speak4 ,i encouraged them in every way to try1 and finally we got along very well4 ,a 8good spirit0 prevailed2 and we were like a little band of brothers and sisters4 ,the only person1 now1 who gave me any anxiety was ,madame ,balif1 who was very weak in the faith4 ,her doubts and fears troubled me much1 for ,i had conceived a very great regard for her4 ,i feared that with a heart so proud and rebellious as hers1 she would never get salvation1 and ,i trembled for her happiness4 ,how slight a hold the new faith had taken of her mind1 ,i was forcibly reminded by an incident which was at the time a great trial to me4 ,my little daughter fell sick of intermittent fever1 and ,i dared not call in a physician2 it would not do for me1 a missionary's wife1 to show lack of faith4 ,such was our zeal in those days4 ,but now1 as ,i once before stated1 even the most orthodox ,mormons1 including ,brigham ,young1 do not think of relying upon ,god and the ordinances of the church1 as they used to in former years1 but call in the best physician they can get4 ,i was much troubled about my little girl1 for she was evidently failing fast4 ,she had been 8administered to0 by one of the native elders1 who had anointed her with oil1 and prayed over her2 but yet she did not get better4 ,madame ,balif1 in the midst of my affliction1 taunted me about the child not recovering1 and asked where was the power of ,god1 of which ,i had talked so much3 8,now10 she said 8if you could get that child healed1 it would be some proof to my mind that the power you speak of is still in the church40 ,i felt ashamed that ,i had not exercised more faith4 ,i was certain that the gift of healing was in the church1 and ,i believed it was my own fault that the child was not even now well4 ,in my zeal ,i replied rather warmly1 8,my child will be healed1 and you shall see it40 ,but ,i had no sooner uttered these words than ,i began to fear ,i had promised too much4 ,i determined1 however1 that nothing on my part should be left undone4 ,i sent for ,governor ,stoudeman1 our new convert1 as he was the president of the branch and an elder4 ,i told him that this child must be healed by the power of ,god4 ,we had not witnessed any manifestation of the healing power among the ,saints in ,switzerland up to that time2 and ,i earnestly desired that now for the first time this gift might be proved among us1 for the sake of the church as well as for my own4 ,so ,i told the governor that it was his duty1 as well as mine1 to fast and pray that the ,lord might grant us this blessing1 that it might be a testimony that it was ,his work and that we were ,his servants4 ,he became as enthusiastic as ,i was myself1 and we fasted and prayed for nearly two days4 ,at the end of that time he came to see me1 and by the bedside we knelt and prayed2 and he laid his hands upon the child1 and blessed her in the name of the ,lord4 ,that night the child was very low2 and though ,i strove to show my faith1 ,i dreaded that she would have her usual attack of fever about midnight4 ,after the departure of the elder1 ,madame ,balif came into the room1 and said1 8,your child is very ill2 if your ,god cannot help her1 why do not you send for a physician80 ,this appeared to me so profane1 and such an insult to my ,god and my faith1 that ,i replied indignantly1 8,madame1 she will and shall be healed this very night2 for ,i know that power is in the church4 ,the reason why the child was not healed before is1 because ,i have not been earnest enough in seeking the ,lord40 ,when ,i was left alone ,i sat down by the bedside1 trembling lest ,i had been too rash in declaring that the child would be healed that same night4 ,much and fondly as ,i loved my little treasure1 ,i confess that ,i suffered more at the thought of ,god's name suffering reproach than ,i did from fear of my darling's death2 and ,i tried earnestly to banish my doubts1 with the remembrance that all things are possible to them that believe4 ,kneeling there in the dark and lonesome midnight1 ,i poured out my soul fervently to ,god1 beseeching ,him1 for ,his kingdom's sake1 and for the glory of ,his great name1 to answer1 and not to suffer my unworthiness to stand in the way4 ,i watched hour after hour beside my darling's bed1 and the child slept on peacefully1 without any symptoms of returning fever2 and1 oh6 how anxiously ,i waited for her awaking4 ,at last1 worn out with fatigue and watching1 ,i laid myself down on the bed beside her1 and soon fell asleep2 and when ,i awoke it was daylight1 and my little one was peacefully sleeping on still--the fever had left her4 ,no tongue could tell the gratitude which filled my heart2 ,i could only weep tears of joy1 and sing aloud my praise to ,god4 ,madame ,balif entered the room early in the morning to see what kind of a night we had passed4 ,then ,i drew her to the bedside1 and told her how tranquilly the child had slept all night1 and showed her how much better she looked1 and asked her if she did not see in all this the providence of ,god4 ,but she simply said1 8,ah1 well6 ,i suppose the disease had run its course40 ,this grieved me1 for ,i had trusted that such a direct answer to my prayers would have helped to increase her faith in our religion2 but ,mormonism had not touched her heart2 and ,i believe it is much more the devotion of the heart than it is the mental acquiescence in doctrine which gives us the power to hope1 and endure1 and believe4 ,when1 by-and-by1 my little ,clara awoke1 she was evidently very much better1 and not only free from the fever1 but bright and cheerful1 like her former self2 and she never relapsed4 ,in the course of a week she was running about as well as ever1 and the ,saints were greatly confirmed in their faith4 ,one morning1 not long after this1 ,madame ,balif brought me a letter which1 as it bore the ,english postmark1 she supposed came from my husband4 ,the writing1 however1 was strange to me2 and dreading that some terrible thing might have happened1 ,i tore it open4 ,there1 at the bottom of the last page--for the letter was very long--in neat1 clear characters1 was the signature of my fairy friend1 as ,i called her1 ,mary ,burton4 ,i read the letter through with the deepest interest4 ,it was addressed 8,to darling ,sister ,stenhouse10 and was overflowing with affection4 ,used as ,i was to all her endearing ways1 ,i could almost fancy that while ,i read ,i heard her speaking the words4 ,after a great outpouring of love1 she said1-- 8,since you went1 ,i have grown quite an old woman4 ,you used to call me #8,little fairy1' but1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 ,i am much bigger now4 ,i am now a good deal over seventeen1 and people say that ,i am getting to be quite a woman4 ,i might tell you some other pretty things that are said about me1 but ,i'm afraid you would say it was all vanity of vanities4 ,if you stay away much longer1 you won't recognize me when we meet again4 8,and now ,i want to tell you something that interests you as much as me4 ,i have not been able to discover anything more with certainty about those hateful things of which ,i told you1 although the word ,polygamy seems to me to become every day much more familiar in people's conversation4 ,elder ,shrewsbury tells me that there is not a word of truth in it2 and he has had a good deal of conversation upon that subject with the apostles who are here1 and also with a man named ,curtis ,e4 ,bolton--an ,elder from the ,salt ,lake2 and they all positively declare that it is a foul slander upon the ,saints of the ,most ,high4 ,so you see that all our unhappiness was for naught4 ,our ,saviour said we should be blessed when all men spoke evil of us falsely for ,his name's take2 and the wicked scandal which has been raised against our religion has had a tendency to strengthen my faith1 which you know was rather wavering4 8,and yet do you know1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 that even while ,i am writing to you in this strain1 ,i am weak enough to allow doubts and fears to creep into my heart when ,i think of the conduct of some of the ,american brethren4 8,they appear to me1 for married men1 to act so very imprudently2 and to call their conduct #8imprudent' is really treating it with the greatest leniency1 for ,i have often been quite shocked at the way in which some of the brethren and sisters acted4 ,but ,i will tell you a little about it1 and you shall judge for yourself4 8,when ,i found out1 as ,i had long suspected1 that dear papa was going to marry again1 ,i at once resolved that ,i would no longer be a burden to him1 but would find some employment1 and support myself4 ,i was induced to do this1 partly because as you know1 step-mothers and daughters do not always love each other quite as much as they might4 ,so ,i communicated my wishes to papa1 and told him that ,i had been introduced to a very nice lady1 who had a large dressmaking establishment at the west end of ,london4 ,she is a member of the ,church1 and has always been very highly spoken of4 ,i told him that she employed a number of highly respectable young girls1 and that four1 at least1 of them were members of the ,church1 and that1 in consideration of my lonely situation1 and at the earnest request of ,elder ,shrewsbury1 she was willing to take me into her house1 to board and lodge me1 and teach me the business thoroughly1 if my father would pay her a premium of fifty pounds4 8,this papa readily agreed to do1 as ,i expected he would1 for he is so taken up with my step-mamma that is to be2 and beside which he has1 ,i know1 been unfortunate lately in some railway speculations1 and has lost a great deal of money1 and therefore wishes to economize4 ,in this way ,i went to ,london1 and became a member of ,mrs4 ,elsworth's family--and here ,i am still4 8,now you have been in ,london1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 and must remember #8the office' in ,jewin ,street--the head-quarters where all the elders congregate1 and where the ,american elders board1 and church business is managed4 ,well1 the very first week ,i was at ,mrs4 ,elsworth's ,i noticed that the four young sisters who were working there were constantly talking of ,jewin ,street1 and the dear ,american brethren who were stopping there4 ,one of them in particular was always talking about dear ,elder ,snow2 and another girl whispered to me that she went to ,jewin ,street every evening1 and frequently remained there to tea with him1 and went afterwards to the theatre with him1 or to a meeting1 as the case might be2 and the young lady added1 #8,she does make such a fuss over him1 toying with him1 and brushing and combing his hair4 ,i know that she does it1 for ,i have been there with her1 and have seen her do it2 and he appears to enjoy it quite as much as she does2 and ,i believe1 if ,polygamy was true he would marry her4' 8#8,but1' ,i said1 #8it is not true1 and therefore it is very wrong for her to act in that way1 for he is a married man4' 8#8,oh1 but you know1' she answered1 #8that we are all brothers and sisters1 and the brethren tell us that those little attentions make them feel that they are not so far from home1 and they are thus enabled to perform their mission better2 and if that is so1 it is the duty of the young sisters to encourage them4 ,these little attentions cost nothing1 and ,i'm sure it's quite a pleasure to me4' 8#8,then you go to ,jewin ,street8' ,i asked4 8#8,yes1' she said1 #8sometimes1 but not very often1 for my elder calls here frequently1 as he is acquainted with ,mrs4 ,elsworth2 and then ,i take my work up into the parlour sometimes1 and have a long talk with him4 ,mrs4 ,elsworth does not like it1 ,i know1 but she does not care to oppose the elders2--in fact1 her husband will not allow any such thing--he has dared her to do so4 ,after all1 she is very silly1 for we ought to love each other and be free and friendly4 ,my elder--,i call him my elder1 you know1 simply because ,i like him better than the others--calls ,mrs4 ,elsworth #8,gentilish1' and says she'll get over it when she goes to ,zion4 ,but she says she won't4 ,she is awfully jealous of her husband and a certain ,miss ,caroline somebody1 though she doesn't care for him4' 8#8,but what difference can it make to him8' ,i asked her4 #8,he has a wife1 and ought not to pay attention to any other woman4' 8#8,ah1 you silly child1' she said1 #8it is only brotherly love1 after all1 and men often have wives who do not make them happy1 and that makes them seek the society of the young sisters1 for those who are far from home are lonely4 ,my own elder's wife is here in ,london1 but he isn't much with her4 ,he spends nearly all his time in ,jewin ,street2 he is a travelling ,elder1 and when he is going anywhere to preach he always calls for me1 as he does not like going alone1 he is such a genial soul4 ,if ,polygamy were true1 ,i'd promise to marry him when we reached the ,valley4' 8,then ,i asked why his wife didn't go with him2 and she said1 #8,oh1 poor man6 he has no pleasure in her society4 ,she is always moping and unhappy4 ,you know1 some women are naturally so4 ,i do all ,i can to make him feel well1 for it must be awful to be married to a woman who is always sad4' 8,i asked her why his wife should be so unhappy2 and she said1 #8,he tells me that she has got it into her head that somehow or other ,polygamy is practised in ,zion2 and ,i'm sure ,i1 for one1 wish it was so1 for then we could marry whoever we pleased4' 8#8,oh1 for shame6' ,i said4 #8,i'm sure ,i'd never go there1 if ,i thought so4' 8,then ,i asked her whether she did not think it was wrong for her to encourage the attentions of her elder2 and she said1 #8,he wishes it just as much as ,i do2 and his wife had better behave herself1 or ,i'll marry him whether ,polygamy exists or not in ,zion2 and he does not know1 though we both suspect1 that there is something in the rumours which we have heard4' ,then ,i told her ,i thought it was very wicked to encourage the visits of that man2 for ,i believe that if he paid a little more attention to his wife she would be less unhappy--for ,i suppose she knew of his attentions to her4 8,she said the wife knew nothing about it2 that he was obliged to be out late at night1 preaching1 or at ,jewin ,street--which ,i knew meant flirting with the sisters and going to the theatre2 and ,i fancy he does more of that than preaching4 ,but she seemed to think it was all the wife's fault1 and blamed her4 ,i asked her if she would like to be treated so1 if she were an ,elder's wife1 and had to work as hard and endure as much as all the ,missionaries' wives do4 ,but she said she never could be in such a position1 and told me that ,i was not a good ,mormon or ,i would not set myself up as the accuser of the brethren4 ,but ,i ask you1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 if that is the ,mormonism which the elders used to teach us8 8,and now ,i have told you all our long talk together1 and so you can judge for yourself what a change has taken place since you left4 8,the same day1 after dinner1 ,brother ,snow called1 in company with two other elders1 to see ,mrs4 ,elsworth1 and to ask her and the girls to a tea-party the next day4 ,mrs4 ,elsworth declined2 but one young lady would go with ,brother ,snow1 and ,miss ,caroline went with another elder2 and my light-hearted friend waited till her ,elder came also to ask her4 ,after that1 came ,elder ,shrewsbury1 and ,i1 of course1 was to go with him4 8,with all my faith1 ,i am very much troubled about these things4 ,they are not right1 ,i think4 ,why1 scarcely a day passes but some of these elders1 who appear to have very little to do1 call here1 and send for one or two of these young sisters1 and detain them from their work1 much to the annoyance of poor ,mrs4 ,elsworth1 who1 ,i believe1 will apostatize over it eventually4 8,see what a long letter ,i have written to you6 ,i am afraid it will tire you4 ,i often long to have you here1 that ,i might come to you and tell you all my troubles4 ,but perhaps after all ,i am wrong1 and ought to see things in a different light4 ,have not the ,elders and ,apostles positively denied that ,polygamy or any other sin was practised in ,utah1 or formed any part of the ,mormon religion8 and we know that these men of ,god would not deceive us4 8,be sure1 dear1 to write a nice long letter to me very soon2 and1 with fondest love1 remember your own 8,,mary ,,burton40 ,i read this letter carefully through1 and ,i sat down and thought of dear ,mary ,burton1 and felt deeply sorry that she should be placed in a situation surrounded by so many temptations4 ,to myself the letter brought a sad confirmation of all my fears4 ,there was something painful in the thought4 ,had ,polygamy been openly avowed as a ,mormon doctrine1 ,i should never have joined the ,church4 ,but now1 what could ,i do8 ,after three months' absence1 ,mr4 ,stenhouse was to return home1 and ,i went to ,geneva to meet him1 feeling very happy when ,i saw him once again4 ,numbers of persons1 both in ,geneva and ,lausanne had been converted while he was away1 and were waiting for him to baptize them--among them was a retired ,protestant minister1 ,monsieur ,petitpierre1 of whom ,i have something yet to mention4 ,we began at last to rejoice in our success1 and to be thankful that the ,lord had answered our prayers4 ,i was now more than ever anxious about ,polygamy4 ,from much thinking on that subject1 it had become the haunting spectre of my existence1 and ,i dreaded what every day might bring forth4 ,the news which my husband brought with him by no means reassured me4 ,he told me that he had heard in ,england from the ,american ,elders that there was a general expectation among the ,saints in ,utah that at the ,october ,conference in ,salt ,lake ,city1 ,brigham ,young would publish to the world that ,polygamy was a doctrine of the ,mormon ,church4 ,after all the prevarications and denials then of the ,apostles and ,elders1 ,polygamy among the ,saints was really a fact4 ,as the truth became clearer to my mind1 ,i thought ,i should lose my senses4 ,the very foundations of my faith were shaken1 and not only did ,i feel a personal repugnance to the unholy doctrine1 but ,i began to realize that the men to whom ,i had listened with such profound respect1 and had regarded as the representatives of ,god1 had been guilty of the most deliberate and unblushing falsehood2 and ,i began to ask myself whether1 if they could do this in order to carry out their purpose in one particular1 they might not be guilty of deception upon other points8 ,who could ,i trust now8 ,for ten years the ,mormon ,prophets and ,apostles had been living in ,polygamy at home1 while abroad they vehemently denied it1 and spoke of it as a deadly sin4 ,this was a painful awakening to me2 we had all of us been betrayed4 ,i lost confidence in man1 and almost began to question within myself whether ,i could even trust in ,god4 ,there was no argument between ,mr4 ,stenhouse and myself4 ,it would have been worse than useless1 for it was not his doing1 and he assured me that he had as great a repugnance to the doctrine as ,i had4 ,he had at first only hinted that it might eventually be acknowledged by the leaders of the ,church2 but it was a matter of too deeply a personal character for me to keep silence1 and ,i did not rest until he had told me all4 ,he had not seen the revelation1 but the information which he had received was beyond a question2 and singularly enough ,elder ,margetts1 the ,london ,elder of whose flirtation in ,southampton ,i have already spoken1 was at that time on a visit to ,switzerland1 and confirmed all that my husband had said4 ,thus the very man who1 two years before1 first excited my suspicions1 now confirmed my fears1 and openly stated as a fact that which he then was ashamed almost to suggest4 ,elder ,margetts had been in ,utah from the time ,i saw him in ,england1 and was now on a mission to ,italy4 ,he knew1 therefore1 very well what was said and done among the ,saints in ,zion4 ,i1 and those like me1 whose faith was not too strong1 were spoken of as 8babes0 to whom milk only must be given2 and in this way any deception necessary to quiet our tender consciences was allowable2 but ,elder ,margetts was one of the 8strong men10 to whom meat was necessary--in other words1 they were initiated into all the mysteries of the faith4 ,my husband enjoined me not to speak of what ,i had heard1 and ,i felt very little inclination to do so--my heart was too full4 ,the pleasant dreams and hopes of life were ended now to me4 ,what could ,i look forward too8 ,henceforth the stern realities of a lonely and weary existence were all the future that should be mine4 ,still1 the 8,revelation0 sanctioning a change in the doctrines and practice of the church1 was not yet published2 and until polygamy was openly avowed ,i felt that the doom of my happiness was not yet sealed2 and like many another heart-broken woman1 ,i hoped against hope4 ,,chapter ,,viii4 ,,the ,,revelation ,,on 8,,celestial ,,marriage40 ,and time flew by2 and at length the dreaded ,revelation came4 ,one very pleasant morning1 early in ,january1 #ahec1 two ,elders of the ,italian ,mission1 ,jabez ,woodward and ,thomas ,margetts1 took breakfast with us2 and with them also was ,mons4 ,petitpierre from ,geneva1 the ,protestant minister of whom ,i have already spoken4 ,while ,i was busy preparing the meal1 ,mr ,stenhouse and the two ,english elders went to the post office to get their letters1 for at that time they were expecting important news4 ,when they returned1 breakfast was quite ready1 and they took their seats at the table4 ,i asked if there were any letters from ,england2 and my husband said1 8,no1 no letters2 but there is a ,star1 and it contains the ,revelation on ,polygamy40 ,he handed me a copy of the ,millennial ,star1 a ,mormon paper published in ,liverpool2 and as ,i took it1 ,i felt as if ,i were receiving my death-warrant4 ,it was indeed the death-warrant to all my hopes of happiness4 ,i rose from the table1 asking them to excuse me2 and overcome with agitation and conflicting emotions1 ,i retired to my own chamber4 ,there1 for the first time1 ,i read that document which has since brought such sorrow and misery to so many wronged and heart-broken women4 ,the reader may perhaps like to see the only foundation and authority for the practice of polygamy ever produced by the ,mormon leaders4 ,so ,i copy exactly from the ,millennial ,star what ,i then read1 leaving out only a few lines here and there1 which had no special reference to the subject1 but helped to swell the size of the 8,revelation30-- ,,celestial ,,marriage3 ,a ,,revelation ,,on ,,the ,,patriarchal ,,order ,,of ,,matrimony1 ,,or ,,plurality ,,of ,,wives4 ,given to ,joseph ,smith1 the ,seer1 in ,nauvoo1 ,july #abth1 #ahdc4 #a4 ,verily1 thus saith the ,lord1 unto you1 my servant ,joseph1 that inasmuch as you have inquired of my hand1 to know and understand wherein ,i1 the ,lord1 justified my servants1 ,abraham1 ,isaac1 and ,jacob2 as also ,moses1 ,david1 and ,solomon1 my servants1 as touching the principle and doctrine of their having many wives and concubines3 ,behold6 and lo1 ,i am the ,lord thy ,god1 and will answer thee as touching this matter3 ,therefore prepare thy heart to receive and obey the instructions which ,i am about to give unto you2 for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same2 for behold6 ,i reveal unto you a new and everlasting covenant1 and if ye abide not that covenant1 then are ye damned2 for no one can reject this covenant1 and be permitted to enter into my glory2 for all who will have a blessing at my hands shall abide the law which is appointed for that blessing and the conditions thereof1 as was instituted from before the foundations of the world3 and as pertaining to the new and everlasting covenant1 it was instituted for the fulness of my glory2 and he that receiveth a fulness thereof1 must and shall abide the law1 or he shall be damned1 saith the ,lord ,god4 #b4 ,and verily ,i say unto you1 that the conditions of this law are these3 ,all covenants1 contracts1 bonds1 obligations1 oaths1 vows1 performances1 connexions1 associations1 or expectations1 that are not made or entered into1 and sealed1 by the ,holy ,spirit of promise1 of him who is anointed both as well for time and for all eternity1 and that too most holy1 by revelation and commandment1 through the medium of mine anointed1 whom ,i have appointed on the earth to hold this power 7and ,i have appointed unto my servant ,joseph to hold this power in the last days2 and there is never but one on the earth at a time on whom this power and the keys of the priesthood are conferred71 are of no efficacy1 virtue1 or force1 in and after the resurrection from the dead3 for all contracts that are not made unto this end1 have an end when men are dead4 444 #d4 ,therefore1 if a man marry him a wife in the world1 and he marry her not by me1 nor by my word2 and he covenant with her so long as he is in the world1 and she with him1 their covenant and marriage is not of force when they are dead1 and when they are out of the world2 therefore they are not bound by any law when they are out of the world2 therefore1 when they are out of the world1 they neither marry1 nor are given in marriage1 but are appointed angels in heaven1 which angels are ministering servants1 to minister for those who are worthy of a far more1 and an exceeding1 and an eternal weight of glory2 for these angels did not abide my law1 therefore they cannot be enlarged1 but remain separately and singly1 without exaltation1 in their saved condition1 to all eternity1 and from henceforth are not gods1 but are angels of ,god for ever and ever4 #e4 ,and again1 verily ,i say unto you1 if a man marry a wife1 and make a covenant with her for time1 and for all eternity1 if that covenant is not by me1 or by my word1 which is my law1 and is not sealed by the ,holy ,spirit of promise1 through him whom ,i have anointed and appointed unto this power1 then it is not valid1 neither of force1 when they are out of the world1 because they are not joined by me1 saith the ,lord1 neither by my word2 when they are out of the world1 it cannot be received there1 because the angels and the gods are appointed there1 by whom they cannot pass2 they cannot1 therefore1 inherit my glory1 for my house is a house of order1 saith the ,lord ,god4 #f4 ,and again1 verily ,i say unto you1 if a man marry a wife by my word1 which is my law1 and by the new and everlasting covenant1 and it is sealed unto them by the ,holy ,spirit of promise1 by him who is anointed1 unto whom ,i have appointed this power1 and the keys of this priesthood1 and it shall be said unto them1 ,ye shall come forth in the first resurrection2 and if it be after the first resurrection1 in the next resurrection2 and shall inherit thrones1 kingdoms1 principalities1 and powers1 dominions1 all heights and depths--then shall it be written in the ,lamb's ,book of ,life1 that he shall commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood2 and if ye abide in my covenant and commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood1 it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them1 in time1 and through all eternity1 and shall be of full force when they are out of the world2 and they shall pass by the angels1 and the gods1 which are set there1 to their exaltation and glory in all things1 as hath been sealed upon their heads1 which glory shall be a fulness and a continuation of the seeds for ever and ever4 #g4 ,then shall they be gods1 because they have no end2 therefore shall they be from everlasting to everlasting1 because they continue2 then shall they be above all1 because all things are subject unto them4 ,then shall they be gods1 because they have all power1 and the angels are subject unto them4 444 #i4 ,verily1 verily ,i say unto you1 if a man marry a wife according to my word1 and they are sealed by the ,holy ,spirit of promise1 according to mine appointment1 and he or she shall commit any sin or transgression of the new and everlasting covenant whatever1 and all manner of blasphemies1 and if they commit no murder1 wherein they shed innocent blood--yet they shall come forth in the first resurrection1 and enter into their exaltation1 but they shall be destroyed in the flesh1 and shall be delivered unto the buffetings of ,satan1 unto the day of redemption1 saith the ,lord ,god4 #aj4 ,the blasphemy against the ,holy ,ghost1 which shall not be forgiven in this world1 nor out of the world1 is in that ye commit murder1 wherein ye shed innocent blood1 and assent unto my death1 after ye have received my new and everlasting covenant1 saith the ,lord ,god2 and he that abideth not this law can in no wise enter into my glory1 but shall be damned1 saith the ,lord4 444 #ac4 ,god commanded ,abraham1 and ,sarah gave ,hagar to ,abraham1 to wife4 ,and why did she do it8 ,because this was the law4 ,and from ,hagar sprang many people4 ,this1 therefore1 was fulfilling1 among other things1 the promises4 ,was ,abraham1 therefore1 under condemnation8 ,verily1 ,i say unto you1 ,nay2 for ,i1 the ,lord1 commanded it4 ,abraham was commanded to offer his son ,isaac2 nevertheless1 it was written1 ,thou shalt not kill4 ,abraham1 however1 did not refuse1 and it was accounted to him for righteousness4 #ad4 ,abraham received concubines1 and they bare him children1 and it was accounted unto him for righteousness1 because they were given unto him1 and he abode in my law4 ,as ,isaac also and ,jacob did none other things than that which they were commanded1 they have entered into their exaltation1 according to the promises1 and sit upon thrones2 and are not angels1 but are gods4 ,david also received many wives and concubines1 as also ,solomon1 and ,moses my servant2 as also many others of my servants1 from the beginning of the creation until this time2 and in nothing did they sin1 save in those things which they received not of me4 #ae4 ,david's wives and concubines were given unto him of me1 by the hand of ,nathan1 my servant1 and others of the prophets who had the keys of this power2 and in none of these things did he sin against me1 save in the case of ,uriah and his wife2 and therefore1 he hath fallen from his exaltation1 and received his portion2 and he shall not inherit them out of the world2 for ,i gave them unto another1 saith the ,lord4 #af4 ,i am the ,lord thy ,god1 and ,i gave unto thee1 my servant ,joseph1 an appointment1 and restore all things4444 ,i have conferred upon you the keys and power of the priesthood1 wherein ,i restore all things1 and make known unto you all things1 in due time4 #ag4 ,and verily1 verily ,i say unto you1 that whosoever you seal on earth shall be sealed in heaven2 and whatsoever you bind on earth1 in my name1 and by my word1 saith the ,lord1 if shall be eternally bound in the heavens2 and whosoever sins you remit on earth shall be remitted eternally in the heavens2 and whosesoever sins you retain on earth shall be retained in heaven4 #ah4 ,and again1 verily ,i say1 whomsoever you bless ,i will bless1 and whomsoever you curse ,i will curse1 saith the ,lord2 for ,i1 the ,lord1 am thy ,god4 #ai4 ,and again1 verily ,i say unto you1 my servant ,joseph1 that whatsoever you give on earth1 and to whomsoever you give any one on earth1 by my word1 and according to my law1 it shall be visited with blessings4 444 #bj4 ,verily ,i say unto you1 a commandment ,i give unto mine handmaid ,emma ,smith1 your wife 444 let mine handmaid ,emma ,smith receive all those that have been given unto my servant ,joseph1 and who are virtuous and pure before me2 and those who are not pure1 and have said they were pure1 shall be destroyed1 saith the ,lord ,god6444 ,i give unto my servant ,joseph1 that he shall be made ruler over many things1 for he hath been faithful over a few things1 and from henceforth ,i will strengthen him4 #ba4 ,and ,i command mine handmaid ,emma ,smith to abide and cleave unto my servant ,joseph1 and to none else4 ,but if she will not abide this commandment1 she shall be destroyed1 saith the ,lord2 for ,i am the ,lord thy ,god1 and will destroy her if she abide not in my law2 but if she will not abide this commandment1 then shall my servant ,joseph do all things for her1 even as he hath said2 and ,i will bless him1 and multiply him1 and give unto him a hundredfold in this world1 of fathers and mothers1 brothers and sisters1 houses and lands1 wives and children1 and crowns of eternal lives in the eternal worlds4 ,and again1 verily ,i say1 let mine handmaid forgive my servant ,joseph his trespasses1 and then shall she be forgiven her trespasses1 wherein she has trespassed against me2 and ,i1 the ,lord thy ,god1 will bless her1 and multiply her1 and make her heart to rejoice4 444 #bd4 ,and again1 as pertaining to the law of the priesthood3 ,if any man espouse a virgin1 and desire to espouse another1 and the first give her consent2 and if he espouse the second1 and they are virgins1 and have vowed to no other man1 then is he justified4 ,he cannot commit adultery1 for they are given him2 for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him1 and to none else2 and if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law1 he cannot commit adultery1 for they belong to him2 and they are given unto him--therefore is he justified4 ,but if one or other of the ten virgins1 after she is espoused1 shall be with another man1 she has committed adultery1 and shall be destroyed2 for they are given unto him to multiply and replenish the earth1 according to my commandment1 and to fulfil the promise which was given by my ,father before the foundation of the world2 and for their exaltation in the eternal worlds1 that they may bear the souls of men2 for herein is the work of my ,father continued1 that he may be glorified4 #be4 ,and again1 verily1 verily ,i say unto you1 if any man has a wife who holds the keys of this power1 and he teaches unto her the law of my priesthood1 as pertaining to these things1 then shall she believe and administer unto him1 or she shall be destroyed1 saith the ,lord your ,god2 for ,i will destroy her2 for ,i will magnify my name upon all those who receive and abide in my law4 ,therefore it shall be lawful in me1 if she receive not this law1 for him to receive all things whatsoever ,i1 the ,lord his ,god1 will give unto him1 because she did not believe and administer unto him1 according to my word2 and she then becomes the transgressor1 and he is exempt from the law of ,sarah1 who administered unto ,abraham according to the law1 when ,i commanded ,abraham to take ,hagar to wife4 ,and now1 as pertaining to this law3 ,verily1 verily ,i say unto you1 ,i will reveal more unto you hereafter2 therefore1 let this suffice for the present4 ,behold1 ,i am ,alpha and ,omega4 ,amen4444 ,and this was the ,revelation6--this mass of confusion1 cunning absurdity1 and falsehood4 ,this was the celebrated document which was henceforth to be law to the confiding men and women who had embraced ,mormonism6 ,looking at it now--noting its inconsistencies and its flagrant outrage upon common decency and morality1 ,i can hardly credit that ,i should ever have been such a silly dupe as to give it a second thought4 ,and yet1 what could ,i do8 ,i was bound hand and foot1 as it were1 and my very vision itself was distorted4 ,unquestioning obedience1 we had been taught1 was the highest virtue2 rebellion was as the sin of witchcraft4 ,i had been convinced of the truth of some of the tenets of the ,mormon faith2 and confident in them1 ,i accepted without question all the rest4 ,never1 till the possibility that polygamy might some day be acknowledged by the ,church1 began to be whispered among the ,saints--never did a solitary doubt respecting my religion intrude itself upon my mind2 and after my apprehensions were fairly aroused by those rumours1 whenever ,i felt the faintest shadow of unbelief or suspicion arising in my heart1 ,i banished it as an unholy thing4 ,the time had not yet come when ,i could judge dispassionately3 the ,revelation aroused within me feelings of horror and dismay1 but ,i did not dare to question its authenticity4 ,it brought bitterness to my soul1 but ,i believed it was from ,god1 and that ,i must learn to bear the cross patiently4 ,i did not at that time read the document through from beginning to end4 ,no2 my indignation was such that before ,i had read half of it ,i threw it from me in anger4 ,perhaps if ,i had read it all1 and considered it carefully1 my own judgment and my sense of right and wrong might have pointed out its absurdity and wickedness4 ,but ,i was far from being tranquil enough to think calmly4 ,i felt bitterly that this new doctrine was a degradation to woman1 and ,i wondered why ,god should see fit to humiliate my sex in this way4 ,i was willing to devote myself1 my life1 my all to ,his service1 but wherefore should ,he doom me to everlasting sorrow8 ,what now was to be a woman's lot among the ,mormons8 ,a life without hope6 ,who can express the terrible meaning of those words--without hope8 ,yet so it was4 ,hereafter our hearts were to be daily and hourly trampled upon2 the most sacred feelings of our sex were to be outraged1 our affections were to be crushed4 ,henceforth we were to be nothing by ourselves2 without a husband1 we were told1 we could not even enter heaven6 ,but had our trials been limited to this life we might have borne them1 as many a weary soul has done1 waiting for the relief of death4 ,but death was to bring no hope to us2 we were told that in the other world polygamy should be the only order of marriage1 and that without it none could be exalted in glory4 ,we were told these things by men who we believed were true and holy men of ,god2 and we trusted in them4 ,rebellious ,i felt1 indeed1 as ,i paced the room after ,i had thrown the ,revelation on the ground3 ,i almost felt as if ,i should lose my reason4 ,a woman in the time of trouble always looks to some one in whom she can confide2 but to whom could ,i turn for one kind or cheering word8 who would comfort me8 ,i had neither relation nor friend to whom ,i could speak of this trial2 there was no one who could understand me4 ,i could not turn to my husband in this sorrow1 and ,i dared not even kneel to my ,god to implore ,his aid4 ,it was ,he1 they said1 who had declared this ,revelation was ,his will2 how then could ,i turn to ,him8 ,no2 my heart sank within me2 henceforth there was to be no hope1 no peace1 for me6 ,there was a knock at my chamber door1 and my husband came in4 ,he knew how acutely ,i must feel1 and he came to comfort me4 ,i was almost choked with emotion and tears1 but he threw his arms round me tenderly1 and spoke to me as if ,i had been a child that needed consolation4 ,he tried to persuade me that ,god as a loving ,father could never have intended the pain or misery of ,his children1 and that when we came to understand the doctrine better1 we should find that all would be well4 ,he spoke also of his own unchanging attachment2 and appealed to me whether ,i thought he could ever love me less1 or place his affections on another4 ,i tried to believe1 and when ,i felt a little better ,i went with him to the breakfast-room1 where the others were waiting for us4 ,we were not a very entertaining party that morning4 ,the ,elders present of course knew what had kept me in my room1 and their attempt at cheerfulness was not very successful4 ,my husband was in sympathy with me1 and ,i have no doubt that ,i looked sad enough4 ,there was only one person present who did not appreciate the situation--,monsieur ,petitpierre1 the ,protestant minister--and they handed the ,revelation to him4 ,mr4 ,stenhouse and the other ,elders had some misgivings as to how he would receive it1 and they were afraid it might disgust him with ,mormonism4 ,but the old gentleman stood the test bravely2 and ,i saw then1 as ,i have seen since1 that men can be easily satisfied that the ,revelation on ,polygamy1 or any other revelation1 is divine1 if they desire1 it to be so4 ,here was old ,monsieur ,petitpierre1 a man of more than threescore years1 and childless4 ,to him the example of ,abraham and ,solomon appeared most instructive--an example which might be followed with advantage4 ,his wife1 like ,sarah of old1 had never been called by a mother's name2 and now1 although thus far he had no idea who might act the part of a second ,hagar1 there seemed a fair chance that a little ,ishmael might perpetuate the race of ,petitpierres on earth1 if only the ,revelation was acted upon by the faithful4 8,it ought to be prayerfully thought of10 he said4 ,prayerfully thought of6 ,poor1 silly old man6 ,before then ,i had respect for his years and learning2 but now--what could ,i think of a man who talked such nonsense8 ,had the ,revelation told him that the wife of his youth1 now tottering in step1 and with hair silvered by age1 was commanded to take two or a dozen young husbands--,i wondered whether he would have added with such satisfaction 8,it ought to be prayerfully thought of60 ,from that day ,i learned to regard polygamy as an essential part of the ,mormon faith1 and such for many years the world has considered it2 but when ,i first joined the church1 such an innovation would have appeared to the ,european ,saints beyond the wildest fancies of a dream4 ,,chapter ,,ix4 ,,missionary ,,work--,,teaching ,,polygamy4 ,i now entered upon a new phase of my missionary life2 the ,elders assured me that it was my duty to teach polygamy to the women of ,switzerland4 ,hitherto1 although ,i had suffered much from poverty and privation1 my work as a missionary had been very pleasant4 ,i believed with my whole heart all that ,i taught1 and my best wishes for the people around me were that they might become altogether such as ,i was1 except in my sufferings4 ,now1 however1 all this was changed4 ,it was no longer salvation through faith in ,christ1 or repentance1 or baptism2 it was no longer love and peace for this world1 and the promise of everlasting joy in the world to come1 that ,i was called upon to teach4 ,my task hitherto had been a labour of love2 now it was to be a weary work of pain4 ,how could ,i teach the sisters1 the affection of whose guileless hearts ,i had won to myself--how could ,i teach them that which my own heart abhorred1 a doctrine which ,i hated with my whole soul6 ,how ,i strove against my rebellious nature6 how ,i battled with myself6 ,that ,god had sent the ,revelation ,i never questioned1 and all rebellion to ,his will ,i knew must be sinful4 ,i had no thought of evading the responsibility2 my heart must be subdued4 ,it might be subdued2 it might be crushed and broken2 but ,i could never again1 ,i felt1 be truly happy4 ,i tried to reason with myself1 and to persuade myself that it was ,i who was to blame and not the ,revelation4 ,if the ,lord required me to submit1 it must be for some good purpose2 and ,i must not refuse the cross that ,he called upon me to bear4 ,sometimes for a few moments something would attract my attention and divert my thoughts2 but the terrible reality--polygamy1 refused to be ignored1 and ,i felt all the more bitterly afterwards4 ,i never was happy1 for life had lost its charm to me4 ,ere ,i slept at night one dreadful thought was haunting my pillow--it disturbed my very dreams2 and when ,i awoke in the morning1 it was with a feverish apprehension of coming evil hanging over me4 ,all through the long1 weary day it haunted my footsteps like a spectre2 and like a fearful blight that had fallen upon me1 it seemed to be withering my soul4 ,one thought was ever present in my mind--that thought1 polygamy6 ,it can be no wonder that ,i lost all interest in life1 and that ,i should almost wish to die rather than live that life of degradation which ,i dreaded would be mine4 ,but death flies from those who woo her2 the wretched1 the weary1 the hopeless1 they find her not4 ,i felt that there was no rest for me4 ,my only comfort was in my children2 no revelation1 ,i felt1 could change their relationship to me4 ,but over my little daughter ,clara ,i mourned1 for ,i thought if this revelation were acted upon by the ,saints1 as doubtless it would be1 she would some day be called upon to suffer as ,i did4 ,how little did ,i then1 however1 anticipate in what way my fears would be realized6 ,my ,clara became the daughter-in-law of ,brigham ,young1 having married his eldest son1 ,joseph ,a4 ,young4 ,i am afraid at that time ,i was somewhat of a trial to my husband1 for my heart was not yet quite subdued4 ,i grew impatient at the wrong which ,i felt had been done to me1 and ,i often said bitter things against the ,prophet of the ,lord and all his sex1 including my husband1 who was then1 and for years after1 a devoted ,mormon1 and was quite horrified at what ,i said4 ,he often told me that ,i was a great hindrance to him1 and that it was impossible for any one who lived with me to enjoy the ,spirit of ,god--and ,i was afraid that he only spoke the truth4 ,then ,i repented1 and sought to chasten myself2 and ,i fasted and prayed1 and asked forgiveness of ,god and my husband4 ,but even when most subdued ,i was as unhappy as ever1 and some one was sure to say something which reminded me of my trouble2 and whenever the elders came to the house they were sure to discuss the one painful topic4 ,then my indignant feelings all came back again1 and ,i felt the spirit of rebellion stirring within me4 ,i could not help it1 for ,i felt that woman's nature itself was insulted by the degrading doctrine1 and any mention of it excited my anger4 ,my husband and the ,elders had anticipated that ,i would not readily submit1 and they bore with me as patiently as they could1 losing no opportunity of strengthening me in the faith1 ever keeping before me the obligation that rested upon me in particular to explain the doctrine to the ,swiss sisters4 ,they knew very well that nothing tends more to confirm the faith of the wavering than setting them to teach others4 ,brigham ,young has always acted on this principle1 and whenever any of the brethren have evinced signs of doubt or disaffection they have been at once despatched on a mission4 ,their efforts to convert others established their own faith4 ,among the ,swiss we had never spoken on polygamy or any kindred subject1 and we were therefore spared the humiliation which the ,british ,elders experienced in having to retract their own teachings4 ,nevertheless1 ,mr4 ,stenhouse and the other ,elders felt great anxiety as to how the new doctrine would be received4 ,my husband did not at once openly tell them that such a ,revelation had been sent from ,zion2 but whenever an opportunity presented he took them aside singly1 and spoke to them about the ancient patriarchs who practised polygamy2 and so great was his influence with the converts that he soon won them over to the new teaching1 and made them feel that they would not be justified in rejecting the ,revelation4 ,many of the ,swiss ,saints before their conversion had been more ,socialists than ,christians1 and they probably thought that this change in the marriage institution was a sign of advancing intellectual supremacy2 but their wives were very far from sharing these opinions with them4 ,after many days and nights of prayer and fasting ,i prepared myself for my work4 ,to a certain extent ,i had brought my own self under control--or ,i thought ,i had2 and ,i almost felt anxious to begin1 so that ,i might get over the painful scenes which ,i fully anticipated4 ,it was agreed that ,madame ,balif1 of whom ,i have already spoken as being rather sceptical when my child recovered from her critical condition1 should be the first to whom the intelligence should be imparted1 for it was thought that if she accepted this ,revelation without much difficulty1 the other sisters would be more easily won over4 ,she was a well educated and intelligent woman1 and had seen a good deal of the world4 ,she had met her husband while travelling in ,russia1 had married him1 and they had returned to their native land4 ,she was in every respect a lady1 but she was a spoilt child1 and had her whims2 and she possessed a great influence over the minds of the other sisters4 ,on this account it was that she was selected as the victim to whom should be first imparted the mysteries of the ,revelation1 for it was thought that whatever reception she might give to polygamy1 her views would greatly influence the conduct of the rest4 ,as ,i before mentioned1 ,madame ,balif and her husband were models of affection to one another1 and it seemed to me quite a sin that ,i should introduce into such a household a doctrine which could only produce disunion and misery4 ,i had1 however1 schooled my heart to what ,i thought was my duty1 and ,i strove to smother the rebellion rising within me4 ,but1 after all1 it seemed to me hardly fair that ,i should be selected for this painful task4 ,these husbands had not courage enough1 or were ashamed1 to tell their own wives about this wonderful ,revelation2 and so ,i1 a weak woman1 hating in my heart the doctrine as much as a woman could hate--,i was chosen to introduce this pleasant subject1 and to persuade those ,i loved to their own ruin4 ,i had had it all fully explained to me1 and ,i thoroughly understood the beauties of the system in the sight of the elders1 and what they considered the strong points in the ,revelation2--but it is miserable work to try to convince others of a thing that you yourself detest4 ,one day1 quite unexpectedly to her1 they had told ,madame ,balif that a new ,revelation had been sent from ,zion1 and that ,i would explain it to her2 then ,monsieur ,balif left the house1 and remained absent until the wife whom he so devotedly loved should have heard this new thing4 ,madame ,balif came down stairs singing1 in her usual gay spirits1 little expecting what she was going to hear2 and when she came to me ,i felt so unfitted for my task that ,i dared not look her straight in the face1 although she was my dearest friend1 and ,i had such an affection for her4 ,i stood there1 pale and trembling1 and she thought that ,i was not well4 ,i was not indeed well2 ,i was sick at heart4 ,never before had the face of a friend been so unwelcome4 ,she asked me what it was that ,i had to tell her2 and when ,i hesitatingly denied having wanted to speak to her at all1 she said she knew there must be something1 as her husband had told her so4 ,i hesitated still2 but at last found courage1 and told her all4 ,it was a cruel task to impose upon me4 ,day after day ,i had observed her and her husband1 ,i had noticed their deep affection2 had seen her watching at the window for his return2 and he would come with a little offering of choice fruit or flowers2 and ,i thought no woman could be happier than ,madame ,balif4 ,and now for me to so cruelly awaken them from their dream of bliss6 ,she sat and listened eagerly as ,i told my story2 and when at length she began to understand what was meant by it1 she thought that ,i must be playing some unseasonable joke upon her1 and showed as much in her countenance4 ,but when she saw that ,i really was in earnest1 she sprang up1 and cried out1 8,oh1 my ,god6 what a beastly religion6 ,how dared your husband and you come to us ,swiss with such a religion as that80 ,my eyes sank before her as she turned on me with mingled rage and disgust1 as if she would wither me with her contemptuous looks4 ,i felt as humbled as if ,i myself had been the author of the ,revelation4 8,and does my ,serge believe this80 she cried4 ,i assured her that he did believe it1 and she paced the room1 to and fro1 as if she would go crazy2 my heart ached for her4 ,she gave way to a perfect storm of rage1 and then sobbed and cried like a child who had lost its mother4 ,i was silent1 for ,i knew how she must feel1 and ,i felt that she would be relieved by tears4 ,i had gone through the trial all alone1 without one word from a woman's heart that could reach my own4 ,and ,i tried to comfort her4 ,i remembered how ,i had felt myself1 and ,i believed that thus it was now with her4 ,in an instant1 when ,i first realized that polygamy had anything to do with me1 just as ,i have heard it said of dying men1 all my past life rushed to my remembrance1 and every word or deed of love therein1 stood out in brightest reality4 ,thus ,i doubted not it was with my friend4 ,every tender word which her husband had ever uttered2 every loving deed he had ever done1 came to her recollection with a ten-fold dearness as she realized the horrors which awaited her in the future4 ,how little did we either of us imagine the story she would afterwards tell me in ,utah6 ,i tried to soothe her1 and she threw her arms passionately round me1 and pressed me to her throbbing heart1 and wept again4 ,she thought of her husband and her little girls4 ,but with all her fears she dreamed not how miserable was the life before her in poverty and polygamy4 ,she was herself handsome in form and fair in feature2 and1 in the full enjoyment of all that could be desired in her sphere of life1 she was as happy as a youthful wife could be4 ,she pictured to herself a time--not now1 her ,serge loved her too truly now--when her husband might cast his eyes upon some blooming damsel1 younger than she was then1 and might begin to take a nearer interest in polygamy4 ,she pictured him bestowing on the youthful beauty the love and tenderness which he had always bestowed on her2 how his affections would die out towards her2 how her heart would be desolate and alone6 ,i took her hand in mine and spoke very gently to her2 and when she was calmer1 ,i talked to her more freely4 ,we found now1 as we tried to look our common enemy in the face1 how strong a hold ,mormonism had taken of us2 and it is in this that persons unacquainted with the ,saints have so greatly misjudged the women of ,utah2 they know how small a hold such a religion--now they look upon ,mormonism and polygamy as identical--would have upon them2 and they forget how all-absorbing was our faith in ,mormonism without polygamy4 ,we confided not wisely1 but too well4 ,had polygamy been an invention of our husbands1 or a system which they capriciously adopted1 we might have been grieved1 but we should have known how to act1 for we were in a ,christian country1 where women had rights as well as men2 it was our own hearts which were traitors to us4 ,we had been taught to regard ,abraham and ,jacob1 and ,david and ,solomon as types of holiness1 as men who were fit objects for imitation2 and now it was proved to us1 from ,scripture1 that these men were polygamists1 and yet were blessed by ,god2 and we were called upon to follow their example4 ,thus we tried to crush out the remembrance of our own womanhood4 ,had we but followed the light of reason which ,god had given for our guide1 we should have trampled in the dust that vile burlesque upon the holy religion of ,jesus called a 8,revelation upon ,celestial ,marriage40 ,as it was1 the religious teachings which we had received1 both before and after we embraced ,mormonism1 alike combined to blind us to the truth4 ,in this state of mind we knelt1 and prayed for the ,lord to increase our faith in that very doctrine which in our hearts we cursed and hated2 and on our knees we wept again2 and natural feelings of repugnance mingled with an earnest struggle to submit to the will of ,god4 ,madame ,balif had not so much faith in ,mormonism as ,i had1 and she had consequently less to trouble her in that respect2 but she loved her husband1 and she knew that he was determined to go to ,zion as soon as he could2 and then not only would all the luxuries of a happy home be sacrificed1 but all her anticipations of the future were overshadowed by a terrible apprehension4 ,thus we were equally troubled1 though ,i had to endure most1 as the task of teaching fell upon me4 ,i did at last manage to persuade her not to offer any active opposition to the ,revelation1 but ,i could not satisfy her that all was right4 ,she even went so far as to promise to try to overcome her own feelings1 for if it was really true she did not wish to be found fighting against the ,lord4 ,she had1 however1 hardly ceased speaking when the thought of her little daughters crossed her mind1 and once more she paced the room like an enraged tigress1 declaring angrily that 8no vile polygamist should ever possess either of her sweet girls40 ,i had felt like this for my own darling ,clara4 ,i had now a companion in misery1 some one who could sympathize with me4 ,even had my husband detested the doctrine as ,i did1 he could not have comforted me as a woman and a mother could4 ,my poor friend could feel as ,i felt1 and her sympathy was very dear to me2 misery loves companionship2 we were sisters in affliction4 ,not only so1 ,madame ,balif declared that this painful task should not rest on me alone2 she would help me in speaking to the sisters4 ,thus we helped each other in the time of our trouble4 ,it must have been about this time that ,i received another letter from ,mary ,burton4 ,the postmark is quite indistinct1 but a week or two one way or the other does not signify much4 ,in her usual quick and impulsive way1 she gave me her views of the 8beauties0 of polygamy1 and perhaps the reader would like to hear what she said4 8 444 ,i am very miserable1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 and furiously indignant4 ,i little thought when ,i last wrote to you that ,i should have such news to tell2 but ,i suppose you know it all without my saying a word4 ,how we all felt when we first learned that polygamy was true1 no words of mine can describe2 we hardly dared look one another in the face4 ,let me tell you how it was4 8,one night1 quite late1 ,elder ,shrewsbury came round in a hurry1 and asked to see me4 ,i went down into the parlour to meet him1 and ,mrs4 ,elsworth came down also1 and remained until he went away4 ,elder ,shrewsbury looked very strange that night1 just like a man who had been doing something wrong and was ashamed of it4 8,he excused himself for coming so late1 but he said he had only just received some important news1 and could not rest until he had seen us4 ,he had been round at the ,conference house1 and had there seen a good many of the ,elders4 ,they were all talking earnestly upon the same subject1 for that day they had received1 not only letters from the apostle at ,liverpool1 but also copies of the ,millennial ,star1 with the ,revelation in it1 which ,i suppose you have seen4 ,of course it was impossible for them to doubt any longer1 but most of them felt it was a cruel blow4 ,elder ,shrewsbury said they looked at one another1 but did not dare to speak4 ,nearly all of them had been anxiously trying to get rid of the false scandal1 as they supposed the accusation of polygamy to be2 and in public in their sermons1 and in private to all the weak brethren1 they had over and over again solemnly declared that polygamy was unheard of among the ,saints1 that it was a ,gentile lie2 and they had proved from the ,bible1 and from the ,book of ,mormon1 that a doctrine so sinful could never be believed or practised by ,god's people4 8,now all this would be thrown in their teeth4 ,those who hated ,mormonism would revile them for it1 and1 worse still1 the ,saints themselves would despise and doubt them for the falsehoods which many of them had innocently told4 ,who could tell where all this would end8 ,when they were found to have been deceived in a matter like polygamy1 about which it was so easy to arrive at facts and certainty1 who would trust them concerning other doctrines1 which depended upon their veracity and testimony alone8 8,then1 too1 there was worse to be said about the ,american elders and apostles4 ,who could believe that ,orson ,pratt or ,lorenzo ,snow knew nothing of polygamy8 ,and yet they denied it in the most solemn way4 ,and1 oh1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 think of the ,apostle ,taylor calling ,god to witness his truth when he proved from the ,book of ,covenants that there was no such thing as polygamy3 and all the while he had himself five wives in ,salt ,lake ,city6 8,elder ,shrewsbury told us all this1 but he spoke slowly and disjointedly1 like a man whose mind is troubled4 ,he said he hardly knew what he was doing4 ,then he gave ,mrs4 ,elsworth a copy of the ,star1 and he asked me1 too1 to read the ,revelation carefully before ,i condemned it4 8#8,if the ,revelation1 as you call it1 allows polygamy1' ,i exclaimed1 #8,i hate and despise it1 and you1 and ,mormonism1 and all6' ,i was quite in a fury1 and ,i did feel as if ,i hated him then4 8,he did not answer me2 he seemed too cut up to utter a word2 but ,i did not pity him4 ,i felt that men who would write such a revelation as that for their own wicked purposes deserved all the hatred which the cruellest heart could muster up2 they were loathesome to any pure-minded woman4 ,as he was about to leave he said mournfully1 #8,sister ,mary1 ,i know you have good cause for anger2 but be just4 ,i have been just as much deceived as ever you have been4 ,it has unsettled all my faith2 even our best and most tried missionaries are shrinking from it4 ,do not blame me for what ,i have not done4 ,i never deceived you about it4' 8,i did not answer him2 and after a few moments he said1 #8,mary1 ,i want to speak to you alone about these things4 ,can ,i see you1 to-morrow evening1 if ,i call8' 8#8,i wish you would not call me ,mary any more1 ,elder ,shrewsbury1' ,i said2 #8it is too familiar now4 ,we have been far too friendly2 but1 thank ,god1 ,i have found out in time1 and know how to act4' ,he went away looking most miserable4 ,then ,i went to my own room1 and tried to think the matter out4 ,if ,i were married1 as you are1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 and if my husband believed in the ,revelation1 ,i think ,i should go crazy4 ,as it was1 ,i felt it terribly4 ,you know1 dear1 ,i told you that ,i liked ,elder ,shrewsbury very well1 but nothing more4 ,well1 that was very true then1 but now ,i know that it was not all the truth4 ,i take care that he shall never know what ,i think of him1 but ,i know that he is not the same to me as other people4 ,i do not think ,i love him2 no1 ,i'm sure ,i don't now2 but ,i do feel a great deal of interest in him4 ,that night1 however1 ,i felt very mad at him4 ,that he had been deceived1 ,i knew1 and also that he must have felt sorry for having deceived me2 and1 if he cares for me1 he must have felt uneasy for what ,i might say or do1 now the doctrine was proclaimed4 8,well1 the more ,i thought of it1 the more angry ,i became1 and ,i couldn't sleep all night4 ,the next morning ,i wrote a little note to ,elder ,shrewsbury1 saying that after all that had happened ,i had fully resolved not to see him again4 ,many of my friends1 ,i said1 were married1 and could not help themselves1 but ,i both could and would4 ,the ,mormon sisters ,i should ever pity and love2 but as for the ,mormon men1 ,i would never have anything to do with one of them as long as ,i lived4 ,i did not want to be unkind to him personally1 but ,i really could not trust any one now4 8,then ,i showed this note to ,mrs4 ,elsworth1 and asked her to give it to ,elder ,shrewsbury that night when he came4 8,he came1 of course1 and he came again and again2 but ,i would not see him2 and ,i did not even go to the meetings for fear of coming across him there4 ,he had long talks with ,mrs4 ,elsworth1 and tried to get her to interfere1 and at last he sent me a long letter1 entreating me not to refuse him4 ,i was cooler now2 and when ,mrs4 ,elsworth said ,i ought at least to see him1 even if ,i dismissed him then1 ,i agreed to do so1 and the next night he came4 8,he was very humble that night4 ,you know what torrents of eloquence he pours forth about anything that interests him1 and how earnest he is4 ,but then all his eloquence had fled4 ,he hesitated and blundered1 until ,i really quite pitied him4 ,he came and sat by me1 and would have taken my hand1 but ,i would not let him4 ,he did not tell me that he loved me1 but he spoke as if ,i were conscious of the fact2 and you know1 of course1 ,i couldn't help feeling that he cared for me1 whether he spoke about it or not4 ,he assured me over and over again that though he had often heard the scandal1 as ,i had done1 he did not for a moment believe it2 he said that he should never himself act up to the ,revelation2 that if he loved1 it should be an undivided and all-absorbing love2 that he would rather have less glory in eternity1 with one whom he could idolize1 than obey the ,revelation on ,polygamy1 and obtain a higher position4 8,all this time he hardly once looked at me1 but when ,i did see his eyes1 they seemed very sorrowful and very earnest4 ,i confess to you that what he said made me feel very differently for him4 ,for a man of his ability and talents1 who has such an influence1 and wins so much respect from every one he meets1 to be sitting there all bashful1 like a naughty child1 before a young girl like me1 and all because he loved me1 made me feel for him a pity which was very near to love4 8,i told him that ,i had quite resolved1 now that polygamy was acknowledged1 never to see him again1 except as ,i might see the other elders at meeting4 ,i said ,i believed ,i was still a good ,mormon1 as ,mormons used to be2 but ,i would never receive polygamy1 or be more than an ordinary friend to any one who did believe it4 8,after that ,i only saw him at the meeting4 ,and1 oh dear6 you should see what meetings we have now6 ,half the people don't attend1 and everything is so cold and lifeless4 ,some of our most earnest elders never come2 and it is said among the brethren that polygamy will produce the greatest apostasy which the church has ever seen4 ,every one seems ashamed of it4 8,and now1 dear1 ,i have written you a terrible long letter1 but you must please forgive me1 for ,i have no one to whom ,i can open my heart except to you4 ,kiss the babies1 please1 for me2 and write soon to your most affectionately loving1 8,,mary ,,burton40 ,poor girl6 ,i said1 as ,i folded up her letter2 but it is better for her to suffer a little now1 than for her to have been married first1 as ,i was1 and then1 when too late to go back1 to have polygamy announced as an article of faith4 ,,chapter ,x4 ,,mormonism ,,in ,,england--,,preparing ,,to ,,emigrate4 ,it was fortunate for the ,swiss mission that the new converts in general could not read any language but their own1 and thus were ignorant of the deceptions which the ,american ,elders had practised upon the people4 ,monsieur ,petitpierre1 the ,protestant minister who thought that the ,revelation ought to be 8prayerfully considered10 was the only one who understood ,english1 and his knowledge was very limited4 ,his wife did not at all coincide with him about the prayerful consideration of polygamy2 she disposed of the subject without any prayer at all2 and it is to be regretted that in this respect the whole body of the ,mormon women did not follow her example4 ,what arguments she used ,i do not know2 but that they were very much to the point no one can doubt1 for they banished for ever all thoughts of polygamy from her husband's mind4 ,it was said among the ,saints that she was very energetic in her private discussions with her husband4 ,but however this might be1 it is certain that ,monsieur ,petitpierre resisted as long as he could1 for the ,revelation quite fascinated the childless old man2 and it is possible that he might have held fast to the faith1 but unfortunately1 just then certain documents and publications of the apostles1 and a very large amount of evidence respecting them and their doings1 attracted his attention4 ,he was in the main a good and truthful man1 although of small mental calibre1 and the deceptions and contradictions which he discovered quite disgusted him4 ,his wife's strong personal arguments gave the finishing blow to his faith1 and the spell was broken4 ,the vision of a modern ,hagar and a little ,ishmael vanished from his mind2 he apostatised--and ,mr4 ,stenhouse lost the services of a very useful translator4 ,when ,i heard that he had left the church1 how ,i wished that ,i could have followed in his footsteps6 ,but apostasy from ,mormonism is only possible to two classes--the young disciple1 who has embraced the faith more from enthusiasm than from conviction1 whose experience is limited2 and the old disciple1 who has entirely outgrown it1 and has become disgusted with it all4 ,i was neither of these4 ,my faith was too firmly grounded to admit of my giving it up4 ,though ,i hated polygamy1 ,i did not dare to question the divinity of its origin4 ,i only pitied myself and my sex for the burden which ,god had seen fit to place upon us4 ,i never for a moment supposed that any man would have been so wicked as to fabricate a 8,revelation10 or so blasphemous as to palm it off in the name of the ,lord4 ,oh yes1 ,i hated polygamy in my heart4 ,and my efforts in teaching it only increased my hatred2 for when ,i was gravely told by the ,elders that woman had been cursed in the garden of ,eden1 and that polygamy was one of the results of that curse--8her desire shall be unto her husband1 and he shall rule over her60--,i must confess that my heart within me was rebellious4 ,from my earliest childhood ,i had thought of ,god as a father and a friend1 to whom ,i might go and tell all my griefs and cares2 but now ,he was presented to me as a hard taskmaster1 not as a father or a friend4 ,i met with much kindness1 but ,i did not meet with much sympathy from the brethren4 ,they could not understand that opposition to polygamy was anything else than selfishness on the part of the sisters2 they did not comprehend the feelings of a woman's heart--its craving for some object upon which to devote its whole wealth of love4 ,they were taught that theirs was a nobler position than that of the sisters1 and that women might consider themselves sufficiently honoured in being allowed to become the mothers of their children1 and to help in building up their 8kingdom40 ,of my missionary work in ,switzerland subsequent to the introduction of polygamy ,i will say but little1 except that it was too successful4 ,the same sorrow and indignation which ,madame ,balif had so forcibly expressed1 were shown by almost every new convert1 and ,i had to bear the blame of teaching such a doctrine4 ,the sisters became unhappy1 and wished that they had died in ignorance of ,mormonism2 and ,i felt humbled to the dust to think that ,i should be the innocent cause of so much misery to others4 ,i looked anxiously for a change2 but the only change which seemed probable was that we might be permitted to emigrate to ,utah--and there was no comfort for me in that prospect4 ,we remained in ,switzerland until the close of the year #ahed1 and through the unremitting efforts of my husband ,mormonism was introduced into six cantons of the ,confederation4 ,monsieur ,balif became an indefatigable missionary1 as was also ,governor ,stoudeman2 and to their liberality and zeal ,mr4 ,stenhouse was greatly indebted4 ,with the aid of ,monsieur ,balif1 he established in ,geneva a monthly periodical in the ,french language1 for the edification of the ,saints1 besides publishing a book in reply to the attacks of the clergy1 and many minor effusions4 ,at that time there was great excitement among the ,saints in ,utah4 ,brigham ,young and his apostles were denouncing the ,gentiles in the most unmeasured language4 ,as ,i write1 a volume of sermons delivered at that time is before me1 and ,i really can hardly credit that so much ridiculous nonsense1 bad grammar1 and blasphemy1 could ever have been uttered in a public place of worship--yet it was so4 ,the ,saints were told that in these last times all the vials of the wrath of ,god were about to be poured upon the earth2 wars and desolations1 anarchy and persecution1 fire1 pestilence1 and unheard of horrors1 were to desolate all the world1 until men should call upon the rocks to hide them1 and in the bitterness of their souls curse the day in which they were born2 death was to be sought for1 but not found4 ,believing1 as they did1 that all this was true1 it is no wonder that the ,saints in ,europe were alarmed1 and became anxious to emigrate to ,utah1 where they were told they would be safe4 ,a seven years' famine was said to be at the door1 when a sack of wheat should be sold for a sack of gold1 and ,gentile kings and princes were to come and crouch to the ,saints for a morsel of bread4 ,the very women in ,zion were counselled to sell the ribbons from their bonnets1 to buy flour with the proceeds1 and to hide it away against the day of wrath4 ,the brethren and sisters in ,switzerland who could dispose of their property hastened to 8flee to ,zion40 ,some did so at a ruinous sacrifice4 ,one gentleman1 a ,monsieur ,robella1 ,i knew1 who was part proprietor of a newspaper and printing establishment4 ,in a very short time it would have been entirely in his own hands2 but he sold out at a great loss1 dreading that the storm might overtake him before he reached the 8chambers of the ,lord in the mountains10 as the ,elders called ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,the journey from ,europe to ,utah at that time occupied six or eight months2 it was a very tedious pilgrimage4 ,my ,swiss friends had first to travel to ,liverpool2 thence by sailing vessel to ,new ,orleans2 by steamer up the ,mississippi as far as ,st4 ,louis2 up the ,missouri to the frontiers2 and then across the plains by ox-teams4 ,much of this distance had to be travelled during the worst part of the year4 ,they left their homes while the ,jura mountains were still draped in snow2 and those who escaped the ravages of cholera and the perils of the ways1 reached their destination just as the frosts of winter were beginning to whiten the hoary heads of the hills which stand about ,zion4 ,all the ,swiss pilgrims travelled together until they arrived at ,st4 ,louis2 there they separated1 one party going up the river1 and the other making the journey overland4 ,the cholera attacked the latter party1 and cut off the greater number of them1 and their bones now whiten the prairie4 ,the news of their death soon arrived in ,switzerland1 and the people at ,lausanne were exasperated against the ,mormon missionaries2 and when my husband visited that place he found it prudent not to remain long4 ,at the same time those of the ,saints whose relations had perished in the emigration were pained to hear that it was because they 8had not obeyed counsel10 and gone up the river with the other party1 that they fell by the way4 ,and1 as if in mockery of this statement1 the next news that we received was that a ,missouri steamer1 on board of which were many ,mormon missionaries--all most obedient to counsel--had been blown to atoms4 ,many of the ,saints began to consider these things1 and their love waxed cold4 ,through all this our position was anything but pleasant1 and my husband applied for permission to be released from the presidency of the ,swiss and ,italian missions1 in order that he might 8gather to ,zion40 ,his request was granted2 and in the autumn of #ahed we bade a final adieu to ,switzerland4 ,we might now be said to have begun our journey to ,zion1 although we tarried long by the way1 and several years elapsed before we reached our destination4 ,when we arrived in ,london we obtained apartments in the house of the ,president of the ,london ,conference1 and there ,i had opportunities of observing the effects of the system upon the ,english ,saints4 ,elder ,marsden1 the president1 was a thorough ,mormon1 and a man who was very highly thought of4 ,he had been acquainted with all the apostles and high priests who had resided in ,liverpool--the great rendezvous of the ,saints in ,england2 had been ,president of the ,conference there1 and now occupied the highest position of the ,european mission4 ,he was a pleasant1 intelligent man1 who in his day had done much to build up the church2 but1 like his two predecessors1 ,john ,banks and ,thomas ,margetts1 he also apostatized from the ,mormonism of later years4 ,at the time1 however1 of which ,i speak1 he was considered to be of good standing among the ,saints4 ,up to this time ,i had never seriously doubted my religion1 and ,i probably never should have done so had it not been for the introduction of polygamy4 ,but what ,i saw in ,london at that time sadly shook my faith1 and the stories which ,i heard from ,utah quite frightened me4 ,nothing1 of course1 was openly said1 and at first ,i disbelieved every evil report1 until at last it was impossible for me altogether to reject what was told me4 ,the testimony of an apostate or of a ,gentile would have been dismissed with contempt2 but when we saw letters from mothers to their children1 and husbands to their wives--all people of unquestioned faith1 setting forth the troubled state of men's minds in ,utah1 expressing fears for their own safety1 and hinting at 8cutting off0 the transgressor1 and the doings of 8,avenging ,angels10 we could not cast them aside with contempt4 ,my views of the glories of ,zion were changing2 henceforth ,i was never firm in the faith2 ,i felt that there was something wrong4 ,perhaps the reader may think that now ,i might have left the church1 and thus have avoided all those troubles which awaited me in ,utah4 ,but let him remember that1 although my faith was shaken1 it was not wholly destroyed4 ,all that ,i clung to on earth--my husband1 whom ,i truly loved1 and my darling children--were part and parcel of ,mormonism4 ,i could not tear myself from them1 and isolate my soul from all that made life worth having4 ,my unsettled state of mind1 however1 did not long remain a secret4 ,it was spoken of among the ,saints1 and ,i became an object of interest4 ,the pastor over the ,london and adjoining ,conferences was the son of one of the chief apostles in ,utah--a young man1 whose good nature was far better than his religion4 ,he visited us very frequently1 and used to bring with him the distinguished ,american ,elders who might be visiting the metropolis4 ,i have no doubt that they were sincere in their desire to do me good2 but it was not kind attentions that ,i then needed1 it was the removal of the cause of my sorrows4 ,they tried to persuade me that it was all 8the work of the ,lord20 but ,i could not see it in that light1 and very often in reply to their consolations ,i said very hard things of polygamy and the leaders of the church1 whose conduct ,i considered sinful4 ,and in this ,i did not stand alone1 for ,i soon found that the ,president of the ,conference1 ,elder ,marsden1 had been in the same position for years1 and his wife was 8quite through0 with ,mormonism4 ,in fact1 so great had been the distrust occasioned by polygamy1 that in the report ending ,june #cjth1 #ahec1 it was stated that from the whole ,british church1 which then numbered very nearly #ca1jjj souls--#aggf had been excommunicated for apostasy6 ,of those who remained faithful ,i cannot give a much more cheering account4 ,the ,elders who visited ,president ,marsden made as damaging reports of the condition of the ,saints as their worst enemies could desire4 ,all that my young friend1 ,mary ,burton1 had told me did not equal the truth of what ,i saw for myself4 ,no one had any confidence now in what the ,elders said2 how could they be trusted after so many years of deception8 ,the ,elders who visited me and reasoned with me about my want of faith1 tried to persuade me to be baptized again4 ,among the ,mormons it is the privilege of the faithful to be baptized over and over again1 as often as may be needed1 for the remission of their sins1 which are thus washed away1 and the penitent is enabled to start afresh4 ,at that time of fearful excitement in ,utah1 called by the ,mormons 8,the ,reformation10 when people were being exhorted under terrible penalties to confess their sins1 many were so frightened that they acknowledged themselves guilty of crimes of which they had never dreamed1 while at the same time many horrible and detestable sins were brought to light4 ,brigham and the leaders found that they were confessing too much--the sinners were far more numerous than the godly4 ,brigham1 with his usual craft1 soon found a way of escape2 the people were told to be baptized again1 so that their sins being washed away1 they could truly say they were not guilty of the crimes of which they might be accused4 ,i was not convinced1 and did not see that ,i had anything to repent of1 but ,i was quite willing to be re-baptized if it was thought proper4 ,at the same time ,i stipulated that the ,president of the ,conference1 ,elder ,marsden1 should be baptized with me4 ,i felt that if ,i required re-baptizing1 how much more necessary was it for ,elder ,marsden to have his sins washed away also4 ,i partly believed in the fearful stories that ,i had heard from ,zion1 but it was he who had shown them to me4 ,the ,pastor of the ,conference gave no sign that he suspected my meaning in wishing ,elder ,marsden to be baptized at the same time as ,i was1 though ,i believe he must have formed a pretty shrewd guess4 ,and so we two went down into the water1 but ,i am afraid that little of our sins was washed away4 ,not long after1 ,president ,marsden apostatized1 and my heart remained as hard as ever4 ,at least ,i was frequently told so4 ,poor ,elder ,marsden6 ,he was branded with the most opprobrious titles which ,mormon ingenuity or malice could fling against him3 and yet ,i know of many men--not one nor two1 associated most intimately with ,brigham ,young to-day1 whose faith is not a whit stronger than that apostate's1 who serve the ,prophet because it is their interest to do so1 but who in their hearts no more believe in his high pretensions than did ,james ,marsden1 the ,president of the ,london ,conference4 ,meanwhile1 the season for emigration had again arrived1 and we were directed to hold ourselves in readiness to start4 ,although by no means unexpected1 this 8counsel0 to emigrate came very painfully to me1 for every step we took towards ,utah seemed to bring me nearer to the realization of my worst apprehensions4 ,i had lost my affection for ,mormonism1 and my enthusiasm had now quite melted away4 ,but to refuse to go was altogether out of the question4 ,two little ones had been added to our family in ,geneva1 and a fourth was born in ,london1 the ,christmas ,day after our return from the continent4 ,the foggy atmosphere of the metropolis did not agree with them at all1 accustomed1 as they had been1 to the pure and bracing air of ,switzerland1 and ,i soon had serious illness in my family4 ,my second little girl1 ,minnie1 was so sick that we almost despaired of her life1 and the others required constant attention2 while the little baby boy1 only a few weeks old1 was seldom out of my arms4 ,just then it was1 when so very awkwardly situated1 that the notification came for us to set our faces ,zionward4 ,they chided us for our want of faith1 because we did not take our poor little sick child from her bed at the risk of life2 but ,i thank ,god now that nature was stronger than our fanaticism1 and that our little girl was spared to grow up a blessing of which we shall ever be proud4 ,one day1 ,president ,marsden came to me confidentially1 and told me that the brethren were determined that ,i should leave ,england1 and had counted upon my yielding in a moment of despair4 ,my husband was to be counselled to go without me to ,utah1 if ,i persisted in my refusal4 ,after he had left ,london1 ,elder ,marsden was to give me notice to leave his house2 and left destitute1 and entirely among strangers1 it was thought that ,i should be only too glad to follow4 ,i cannot tell how indignant ,i was2 ,i could not find words sufficiently contemptuous to express what ,i felt2 ,i reproached ,elder ,marsden with cowardice for agreeing to such an inhuman proposition1 and ,i declared that ,i would not risk the life of my child if an eternity of suffering awaited me4 ,my husband was absent when this took place2 but when he returned he approved of what ,i had done1 and ,elder ,marsden was consequently 8counselled0 to send us away4 ,the doctor warned us against the danger of exposing my little daughter to the cold in removing her2 but we had no choice1 for we were obliged to leave4 ,those were very painful times4 ,constant watching and anxiety had undermined my own health1 and ,i fell ill4 ,even then1 had we been left alone we might have escaped much of our trouble2 but the incessant meddling of 8counsel0 was a perpetual irritation1 and we were completely worn out with annoyance4 ,a pleasant apartment at the west end of the town was taken for me1 by the advice of the medical man1 and ,i was removed thither with my baby4 ,i was not equal even to the task of taking care of that little thing1 and had to procure the assistance of a nurse2 the other children were cared for by friends4 ,all that ,i needed was rest and tranquillity of mind1 and ,i soon began to recover strength1 though far from well4 ,but this state of quietude was soon to be disturbed4 ,again we were notified that the last emigrant ship of the season was about to leave1 and we must sail in her2 and again we were obliged to refuse4 ,my husband telegraphed to the ,apostle at ,liverpool that ,i was not well enough to travel1 and he was told to 8bring me along1 and ,i should get better40 ,the ,apostle 767 cared nothing for individual suffering providing the ambitious plans of the priesthood in ,salt ,lake ,city were carried out4 ,but my husband1 anxious though he was to set out for ,utah1 and obedient as he ever was to 8counsel10 was not such a slave as they thought him1 and he positively refused to go4 ,for this he was very much blamed1 and it was said that his own faith must be wavering4 ,since my arrival in ,london ,i had several times seen my young friend1 ,mary ,burton4 ,she had1 as she told me in her letters1 very greatly changed1 for she had now become quite a young lady4 ,still she retained most of her winning ways1 though her childish prettiness had given place to the more mature beauty of womanhood2 and when ,i saw her ,i was not surprised that she should be an object of attention1 or that ,elder ,shrewsbury should have felt so deeply her rejection of him4 ,i also had a visit from another person1 whom ,i little expected to see4 ,this was no other than ,elder ,shrewsbury himself1 who1 ,i had been told1 had left ,london some months before4 ,this1 he said was quite true2 he had left ,london1 and gone to work as a missionary hundreds of miles away2 trying to forget his disappointment1 but to no purpose4 ,his was one of those natures which1 though kind and considerate to every one1 are not ready to form hasty attachments1 but which1 when once they do meet with an object upon which to lavish their affections1 became devoted in friendship and unchanging in love4 ,their affections flow more deeply than those of most people4 ,such was ,elder ,shrewsbury1 and such ,i thought he would always be2 but what disposition1 however good1 can be relied upon when influenced by religious fanaticism8 ,he stood before me1 then1 manly and upright in his bearing1 truthful and honest--a man who would have scorned evasion or deceit2 and his every thought of ,mary was replete with tenderness and love4 ,and yet ,i lived to see that man again1 in ,utah--alas1 how changed a man6 ,before we first left ,england ,i was acquainted with ,elder ,shrewsbury1 but not very intimately4 ,we had had one or two interesting conversations together1 but ,i remembered him chiefly in connexion with ,mary ,burton4 ,it was about her that he now came to see me2--he wanted me to talk to her1 and intercede with her in his behalf4 ,but ,i was no match-maker1 and all my thoughts respecting love and marriage had recently been anything but pleasant4 ,i told him plainly that ,i thought ,mary had done quite right in refusing to see him1 and1 in fact1 declining to receive the attentions of any ,mormon man4 ,i did not doubt his love for her at present1 ,i said2 but no one could any longer rely upon a ,mormon ,elder's word4 ,years to come1 when they had a little family growing up around them1 and when it would be too late for ,mary to repent of trusting him1 he might suddenly be convinced of the necessity of obeying the ,revelation1 and then what could she do8 ,no6 ,even supposing that she loved him1 which1 ,i said1 was very questionable1 it was better that she should suffer a disappointment now1 than have her heart wrung with cruelty and neglect in after-years4 8,what60 he cried1 his eyes dashing with indignation2 8do you take me for a dog that ,i should treat her so80 8,no1 no10 ,i said1 and tried to pacify him2 8,i do not think anything bad of you1 but ,i look upon you as a man who is in love1 and therefore blind4 ,you think of nothing now but ,mary1 and are willing to sacrifice everything1 and to promise anything1 providing you can win her4 ,but when she has become your wife1 if she ever does1 and you have time to cool down1 you'll begin to see things in another light4 ,you'll find that she is only an ordinary woman1 made of flesh and blood1 like all the other daughters of ,eve1 and with1 ,i daresay1 quite as many whims1 and fancies1 and perverse ways as any of them2 and then1 when she ceases to be #8an angel' in your eyes1 and becomes merely a woman1 you'll begin to assert your right to think and judge for yourself1 and very probably all your former devotion to your religion will return40 8,sister ,stenhouse10 he replied1 8you do not seem to have a very high opinion of my constancy2 but ,i can assure you that ,i have given this matter my most earnest1 prayerful thought4 ,my love for ,mary ,i need not mention2 my devotion to my religion you only partly know4 ,while we were told that ,polygamy was not true1 no one could be more steadfast in the faith than ,i was2 and when the ,revelation came1 ,i looked upon it as a blight and a curse to the ,church of ,god4 ,and how well-founded my fears were1 you can see from this terrible apostasy which has come upon us4 ,i almost myself left the ,church4 ,then ,i went to the ,apostle1 and ,i told him how ,i was situated4 ,i told him all about ,mary1 and my devotion to her2 that ,i wished to win her for my wife1 but that ,i knew she would not marry me if she thought there was the shadow of a chance that ,i should live up to the ,revelation4 ,i told him that ,i myself should be perfectly wretched in ,polygamy1 and that it was impossible that ,i should love more than one4 ,the ,apostle said that ,i was quite right in all this4 ,we had no proof1 he said1 in the ,bible1 that ,isaac had more than one wife1 and he was accepted of ,god4 ,he counselled me to do all ,i could to win ,mary1 and told me that ,i might truthfully promise her that ,i would never enter into ,polygamy4 ,but ,mary would not so much as listen to me2 in fact1 since then she never would see me alone40 8,i am not sure10 ,i answered1 8whether ,i am doing right2 but ,i don't mind saying to you that ,i think1 from what ,i have seen of ,mary1 that she does not dislike you2 but she is a sensible girl1 and does not choose to risk the happiness of her whole life40 ,he was vexed with me for saying this4 ,how could ,i suppose that he would wreck her happiness8 ,was he not willing to die if it would give her a moment's pleasure8 ,and much more lover's nonsense he talked4 ,,chapter ,,xi4 ,,emigrating ,,to ,,zion3--,,we ,,arrive ,,in ,,new ,,york4 ,the afternoon following1 ,mary herself came to see me1 her face all flushed with excitement1 and eager to tell me something4 8,whom do you think ,i've been talking to1 ,sister ,stenhouse80 she exclaimed4 8,you'd never guess40 8,i don't think there's much need for guessing10 ,i said4 8,your face betrays the secret1 ,mary40 8,well10 she said1 8perhaps it does1 but you wouldn't wonder at it1 if you only knew how very anxious ,i have been4 ,all this time ,i have kept my word1 and ,i did not see him or speak to him once1 except at meetings1 and not much then1 and ,i have been very unhappy4 ,this afternoon ,i came round about an hour ago to see you1 and there on the step was ,elder ,shrewsbury4 ,he said he was here yesterday1 and was just going to call on you again1 and then he asked me to go a little way with him1 as he had something very important to say to me4 ,at first ,i refused to go1 but he wouldn't listen to it for a moment4 ,so ,i went with him1 and we have been talking ever since2 or rather he has been talking1 and ,i have been listening to him4 ,i can't tell you1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 all he said--you can guess better than ,i can tell you4 ,but ,i'm afraid ,i shall not be able to keep my resolution much longer1 for when we came back to the door again he said he wouldn't come in to see you now1 and when he begged me to let him call at ,mrs4 ,elsworth's to-morrow night1 ,i did not feel it in my heart to refuse him2--was it very wrong of me to do so80 ,said ,i1 8,i'm afraid1 ,mary1 my opinion would not matter much either way2 ,elder ,shrewsbury's eloquence is the music which you like best to listen to40 ,she blushed1 and came and sat down beside me1 and we talked together until the sun went down and my little room was quite dark4 ,i told her of my troubles in ,switzerland1 and of the miserable effects of introducing ,polygamy there2 and she in return told me all her love affairs with ,elder ,shrewsbury and of her resolution not to listen to him unless he solemnly promised never to have anything to do with the hated ,revelation4 ,her faith in ,mormonism itself had1 as ,i expected1 been very severely shaken2 and ,i think that had it not been for my efforts to reassure her1 she would have left the ,church at that time4 ,would to ,god she had4 ,after tea1 she said1 8,have you a copy of the ,revelation here1 ,sister ,stenhouse8 ,i want to show you some strong points in it which ,i think will astonish you4 ,i learned all about it from ,elder ,shrewsbury that night when he came to see me1 and it was that that disgusted me with the whole affair40 ,we searched through my trunk but could not find the document1 and ,i told her that ,i had not patience to read it quite through when it was given to me1 and that since then ,i was not sure that ,i had even seen it4 8,never mind10 she said2 8,i'll bring it with me when ,i come again40 ,how often have ,i thought since how much depended upon that trifling circumstance4 ,had we then together read over the ,revelation and noticed the 8strong points0 of which she spoke1 ,i believe my eyes would have been opened1 and ,i never should have submitted to the misery which ,i afterwards endured in ,utah4 ,towards the end of the year #ahee it was determined that a company of ,mormon emigrants1 numbering several hundreds1 should leave ,liverpool en route for ,salt ,lake ,city2 and for that purpose a vessel was chartered early in ,november4 ,this was not the ordinary season for emigration1 but there were then in ,england numbers of the ,saints1 anxious to go to ,zion1 but too poor to pay their passage all the way4 ,it was thought that when they arrived in ,new ,york they would have time to earn sufficient to carry them on1 and it was then supposed they could join those who came over by the ordinary spring emigration4 ,my husband and myself were counselled to join these emigrants in ,liverpool and proceed at once to ,new ,york4 ,the ,mormons in ,london were very kind to us before we left1 and did all they could to help us in preparing for our journey4 ,a kinder people than the ,saints in ,europe could nowhere be found4 ,my husband had been directed to take charge of the emigrants in the transit from ,london to ,liverpool1 and consequently ,i received no assistance from him4 ,it seemed to me a very cruel arrangement for the ,elders to take away from me and my helpless little ones the very person to whom we ought naturally to have turned for protection2 but what were the feelings of a weak woman when they came in conflict with the 8counsel0 of inspired ,apostles8 ,we arrived at ,liverpool the same evening1 and there my husband was relieved of the charge of the company1 and some of the brethren were appointed to see that the baggage was safely transferred from the railway to the ship4 ,early the next morning we went on board1 and it was not long before we began to experience the pleasures 787 of an emigrant life4 ,before we set out for ,liverpool1 ,i had been told that on board ship ,i should be able to obtain all the 8help0 that ,i might desire2 and1 anxious to provide for the comfort of the children1 ,i engaged the services of two young girls to look after them and assist me generally4 ,this was an imprudent step1 as ,i afterwards found to my cost2 but at the time ,i thought that ,i had made a very sensible arrangement4 ,help being secured1 my next thought was to get our berths fixed1 so that all might be ready before the rolling of the ship began4 ,my first inquiries were for our bedding2 but it was nowhere to be found4 ,now this was very annoying1 for we were all tired1 and the children1 poor things1 were fidgetty2 and anticipating a long and unpleasant voyage1 ,i wanted to have everything in readiness4 ,besides which ,i had made special preparations in the shape of many additional comforts which ,i knew on board ship would be absolutely necessary1 and had even sold my watch and jewellery for that purpose4 ,i inquired of the proper authorities1 but could obtain no information1 and nothing remained but for me to wait until the ,apostle came on board to bid a final adieu to the emigrants4 ,i felt this annoyance all the more1 as ,i considered that we had no right to expect such mismanagement4 ,we would naturally have preferred to make our own arrangements and to go alone1 had we been permitted to do so2 but we had1 over and over again1 been instructed not to go by any other vessel than that chartered by the ,apostle ,richards1 that so we might escape the perils which were sure to overtake the ,gentiles4 ,imagine our disgust when we found that as there were not enough of the ,saints to occupy the whole ship1 the lower deck was filled with ,irish emigrants of a very low order1 and that their luggage and ours had been thrown together indiscriminately into the hold4 ,most of the ,mormon emigrants recovered their property when they arrived at ,new ,york2 but as for our own1 personally1 we never saw it again1 and all the voyage through we were left utterly destitute4 ,nothing remained but for me to put the best face ,i could upon matters4 ,i took my wearing apparel and other articles out of the trunks and put them into pillow-slips1 and extemporized as well as ,i could a rough substitute for beds4 ,these served for the children1 and ,i covered them with my cloaks and shawls2 and for our own berths and bed-covering ,i had only a few pieces of carpet which ,i put aside for the cabin floor1 together with a worn-out blanket which an old lady on board was good enough to lend me4 ,this was our going to ,zion4 ,we had not been long at sea when the young sisters whom ,i had engaged to help me fell sick1 and some of the brethren were very anxious to nurse them4 ,this appeared to be quite the established order of things1 for ,i then found that it was very seldom that a ,mormon emigrant ship crossed the ocean without one or more marriages on board4 ,it was1 no doubt1 very interesting to them1 but to me it was extremely inconvenient1 especially considering that my husband had now taken to his berth1 which he did not leave during the remainder of the voyage1 and myself and the children were not much better off4 ,sick as ,i was1 ,i had to prepare our food and manage everything1 for in those times emigrants either took out their own provisions or were allowanced in raw material1 and in either case had to do their own cooking4 ,my chief difficulty was in getting what ,i had prepared to the fire-galley1 for ,i could not leave the children1 and ,i was afraid to venture myself upon deck4 ,so ,i got any of the brethren who chanced to be passing to take it up1 and of course they were willing to oblige me2 but the galley was so crowded--every one having his or her own interest to attend to--that ,i very rarely1 if ever1 had my provisions decently cooked1 and on more than one occasion ,i never saw them again4 ,this was an inconvenience which emigrants do not suffer at the present day4 ,unsuccessful with the young sisters1 ,i thought ,i would try if ,i could not get one of the brethren to help me1 and fortune at first appeared to favour me4 ,there was on board a young man--,harry they called him--and he was so situated that ,i found it easy to open a negotiation with him4 ,he had been a saddler's apprentice in a country town in ,england1 and having listened to some itinerant preacher1 had been converted1 joined the ,church1 and began to think for himself4 ,so hearing that terrible judgments were quickly coming upon the ,old ,world1 he resolved to flee to the ,new1 and in his hurry to get there he forgot to inform his master that he was about to leave4 ,this accounted for his being so badly provided for4 ,now1 ,harry had those two great blessings--a splendid appetite and unimpeachable powers of digestion4 ,i will not say that he enjoyed these two blessings1 for that he did not1 on account of lacking a third blessing1 namely1 the wherewithal to make the first two blessings a pleasure1 and not an inconvenience4 ,the ship's allowance was altogether insufficient for him1 and he therefore gladly engaged to do what few things ,i required upon condition that ,i should add a little to his own private commissariat4 ,harry was a smart lad and at first very useful1 and he soon convinced me that he had told the truth when he said that he had not had enough to eat ever since he came on board--it seemed to me very questionable whether he ever had before4 ,he had1 however1 nothing to complain of in that respect while in our employment2 for although the children were able to eat whenever we had anything fit for them1 my husband and myself could seldom touch our rations1 and as everything that was not used fell to ,harry's share1 he fared pretty well4 ,harry was not the lad to neglect his own interests1 and as our interests appeared just then to be his also1 matters worked very harmoniously4 ,our bread was never now brought back to us half raw or burnt to a cinder4 ,it must be properly cooked for our eating or it would not do for ,harry's2 and as for it being lost or delayed on its way to or from the galley1 that was1 of course1 quite out of the question4 ,but the strangest thing of all connected with ,harry was that immediately after his coming we were incessantly annoyed by the rats4 ,i had brought for the children's use a small supply of preserves and other little delicacies2 but these mysteriously disappeared with alarming rapidity2 and whenever ,i saved any trifle for the children to eat between meals1 that also was gone when it was wanted1 and in every instance ,harry suggested that it was 8the rats10 though ,i never could find any traces of those interesting animals4 ,i was sorry to part with ,harry1 for he used to tell funny stories to the children1 and amused them a great deal2 but 8the rats0 and ,harry were so closely associated in my mind1 that ,i thought if ,harry left the rats might perhaps also cease their visits4 ,so ,harry went1 and ,i was once more left alone to do the best ,i could4 ,the weather was very cold1 and we felt its severity very much4 ,the rigging of the ship was hung with icicles1 and1 without fire or warmth of any sort1 it is no wonder that we all were soon hardly able to move from cold and sickness4 ,in the midst of my trouble ,i was told of an ancient ,scotch sister--a maiden lady1 sharp and shrewd--who1 like the miser in ,scott's 8,fortunes of ,nigel10 was willing to help us 8for a consideration40 ,it was agreed that she should give me her services for the remainder of the voyage2 and the 8consideration0 was to be two pounds ,english4 ,small as was our stock of money1 and much as ,i knew we should need it upon our arrival1 ,i felt that ,i could do no better than engage her4 ,there was no saying upon whom she might chance to set her maiden fancy1 but there was not the remotest chance of any of the brethren falling in love with her2 so ,i considered her a safe investment1 and1 besides1 ,i must have somebody--there was no alternative4 ,it was now ,christmas time--a season sacred to joyous memories and festivities2 but to us1 exiles and wanderers1 seeking a land of which we knew nothing1 and which to us was a new and untried world1 it was far from being a happy time4 ,in the midst of the wild1 dreary ocean there was nothing to recall the pleasant reminiscences of the past1 or to inspire us with hope and courage as we thought of the future4 ,the captain told us that we might prepare to eat our ,christmas dinner in ,new ,york2 but he was mistaken in his calculations4 ,we did not eat our ,christmas dinner in ,new ,york1 as he had promised4 ,a storm came on1 which compelled us to stand out to sea again1 and then a dead calm followed1 and it was not until ,new ,year's eve that we set foot upon the shore of the ,new ,world4 ,,chapter ,,xii4 ,,life ,,in ,,new ,,york3--,,conducting ,a ,,mormon ,,paper4 ,very cold1 and dark1 and dreary1 were the first days which we spent in the ,new ,world4 ,that faith which once had led me to hope1 and believe1 and 8endure all things10 was now powerless to nerve me to any new course of action for my religion's sake2 for the dark shadow of ,polygamy had come across my way2 hope had fled1 and my love1 with the love of many other faithful ,saints1 had waxed cold4 ,to my husband and children ,i was1 of course1 devotedly attached1 and was willing to combat any difficulty or endure any trial with them1 or for their sake2 and it was not long before my constancy was put to the test4 ,the ,mormon emigrants have always a ,captain and two 8,counsellors0 to every company4 ,the ,captain on board the 8,emerald ,isle10--the vessel in which we came--was a returning ,utah ,elder2--one of his ,counsellors was also a returning ,elder1 and my husband was the other4 ,as soon as the ,mormon ,captain had come on shore1 and had reported to the ,apostle in charge of the ,new ,york ,saints1 he left to visit his friends4 ,the ,utah ,counsellor had a young lady in the company to whom he had become very much attached1 and who afterwards became one of his wives4 ,i was not1 therefore1 surprised that1 as soon as he could get his baggage1 he also should disappear2 but my husband--the other ,counsellor--being encumbered with a wife and family1 was obliged to remain1 and the whole charge of seeing to the company devolved upon him4 ,we had1 therefore1 to remain in ,castle ,gardens until the whole company of emigrants was provided for2 and during all the next week ,i1 with my four children1 remained in that public place1 sick and weary1 and as destitute of bedding and covering as we had been on board ship4 ,the weather was intensely cold1 and1 unaccustomed as we were to the severity of an ,american winter1 we suffered not a little4 ,the other unfortunate victims to faith were in the same condition1 with the exception that they had something to sleep on at nights1 while ,i had nothing but the bare boards for my bed since we left ,liverpool2--all that ,i could gather together had been reserved for my babes4 ,how we lived through that journey ,i know not1 but ,i am certain that1 could ,i have foreseen what we should have to endure1 ,i would never have left ,england1 whatever my refusal might have cost me4 ,i could not refrain from contrasting my life before and since ,i knew ,mormonism4 ,before1 ,i scarcely knew what suffering was1 so little had ,i been called upon to endure4 ,i never knew what it was to be without money1 or to want for anything2 but now ,i was in a strange land1 in the depth of winter1 without a home1 without a pillow to rest my weary head upon1 and with a future before me so dark that not a single ray of light gave to it the promise of hope4 ,could any slavery be more complete than mine8 ,my fanaticism and zeal were all gone--,i had nothing to sustain me4 ,certainly1 ,i was still held by the fear that ,mormonism1 after all1 might be of ,god1 and that all this suffering might be necessary for my salvation--but if at that time ,i had only had a friend whose mind was clear from all the nonsense of ,mormonism1 and who had felt sufficient interest in me to advise me for my good1 ,i think even then ,i might have freed myself from the mental slavery in which ,i was bound4 ,but ,i had no intercourse with any but ,mormons2 and1 indeed1 a wish to form ,gentile friendships ,i should then have considered a sin4 ,a week after our arrival1 my husband found time to seek for apartments for his family1 and ,i was thankful to leave our miserable quarters at ,castle ,gardens4 ,the ,mormon authorities had1 meanwhile1 given instructions to the other emigrants how to act1 and they did little more than this4 ,those who had not found work or places to go to were ordered to leave the gardens1 and received permission to occupy an old dilapidated school-room in ,williamsburgh1 which had been used for preaching4 ,i went there almost daily to see them1 and therefore state what ,i saw as an eye-witness1 and neither exaggerate nor misrepresent4 ,there they huddled together1 about one hundred and fifty--men1 women and children4 ,most of the men had been respectable mechanics in their own country2 many of them ,i had known personally and had visited in their cosy ,english homes2 and their wives and families had been decently brought up4 ,what they must have suffered under this change of circumstances ,i leave the reader to guess4 ,in that miserable place they lived day and night--the poor1 dispirited mothers 7many of them very sick7 having to cook1 and wash1 and perform all the necessary domestic duties1 round two small sheet-iron stoves4 ,it was not long before the place became like a pest-house from so many being confined in so small a place1 and breathing the same fetid and pestilential atmosphere2 and many of the young children died of an epidemic which was raging among them4 ,they had saved some of the ship's provisions1 and that was all they had to eat1 and it did not last long4 ,to me it was most distressing to witness so much misery without being able to render any assistance1 particularly to see the poor little children shivering and crying with hunger and cold1 while many of their mothers were in such a miserable state of apathy that they paid little or no attention to them4 ,i often tried to awaken in them feelings of human sympathy1 but ,i was met with a murmur of discontent4 ,the people1 men and women alike--seemed to be utterly demoralized4 ,nor can this be a matter of wonder2 for in ,england the men had been told that--while at home they could only earn four or five shillings a day1 and would never be able to put by enough to carry them all the way to ,utah--in ,new ,york they would be able to earn two-and-a-half to three1 and even four dollars a day--equal to from ten to sixteen shillings ,english--and that employers would even come on board ship anxious to engage them4 ,thus they had by false statements been allured from their homes and plunged into the most abject poverty4 ,day by day they went out seeking work1 but finding none2 willing to do anything to provide bread for their families1 but returning nightly1 unsuccessful1 to their starving wives and children4 ,my own resources were gone4 ,i could do nothing4 ,when we left ,castle ,gardens ,i think we only had about five dollars left1 while the heavy snow which covered the ground and the intense cold promised many weeks of unusual severity4 ,needing so greatly pity myself1 how ,i sympathized with those poor sufferers1 how ,i pitied them6 ,in the midst of all this1 the ,apostle ,john ,taylor learned that some of these poor souls had been seen begging4 ,so he came from his comfortable boarding-house in ,brooklyn1 well wrapped up in a handsome overcoat1 and scolded these poor1 starving creatures1 and harangued them concerning the meanness of begging4 ,with great swelling words he spoke of the dignity of the ,saints of the ,most ,high1 and told them that he despised a ,mormon who could fall to the level of a common street beggar4 ,could he have heard the unspoken curses of the poor1 wounded hearts of those who listened to him1 as they thought of his brother 8,apostle0 in ,england1 and of how he had deceived them and sent them into a strange country1 in the depth of winter1 to beg1 to starve1 or to steal1 he would have learned that though the victim of a delusive faith may mentally submit to man-made creeds and priesthoods1 in his heart he will judge1 not so much the words he hears as the man who utters them4 ,the wisdom of the ,apostle found out a remedy4 ,he 8counselled0 the men and boys to buy shovels1 and go forth into the streets and clean away the snow from the fronts of the doors and from the side-walks1 and told them that they would thus get plenty of money to keep them until winter was over4 ,one elderly brother1 who had a little money left1 bought a stock of shovels2 but the emigrants found that there were plenty of others who were as eager as they for work1 and who were much better acquainted with the way of obtaining it4 ,the shovel experiment was a failure1 and the poor old brother lost his money in the investment4 ,for whatever the ,apostle ,taylor may have contributed to these unfortunate persons--whether in 8counsel10 money1 or provisions--he will doubtless have his reward2 and1 for aught ,i know1 he may have been unable to give anything more than counsel2 but1 at the same time1 my opinion of the value of counsel remains unchanged4 ,there has been no lack of 8counsel0 or counsellors in the ,mormon ,church4 8,counsel0 has been given in abundance to all1 and by no means always for the benefit of those who received it4 ,it was not1 however1 because he failed to assist them practically that the people hated the ,apostle ,taylor1 and have hated him ever since2 but it was for his pride and arrogance1 and the way in which he dared to talk to free-born ,englishmen and ,englishwomen about the dignity of the ,priesthood1 and the contempt in which he held them in the hour of their humiliation and distress--for that they hated him4 ,i do not1 of course1 wish to justify the people in begging2 such conduct would have been despicable if they could have found employment of any sort4 ,but when ,i saw the starving condition of those men and their helpless families1 in that wretched school-house1 in my heart ,i almost honoured them for having the courage to beg2 and ,i thanked ,god that the 8mean ,yankee ,gentiles0--as the ,elders taught the ,saints to call ,american citizens who did not believe in ,mormonism--were able and willing to assist them4 ,one of those emigrants very recently related to me some of the painful circumstances through which he passed at that time4 ,he told me that he walked the streets of ,williamsburgh for three days and three nights without a mouthful of anything to eat1 or a place to lay his head2--he could obtain no work1 and at length1 in sheer desperation1 he was forced to beg4 ,the ,church authorities knew well the misery of the people1 but took no adequate steps to alleviate it4 ,during the first weeks after our arrival in ,new ,york city1 we had nothing to depend upon but the provisions which we had saved from the ship's rations4 ,i had known what it was to be in a foreign country without money and without food2 and on board ship ,i took care of our rations when they were not consumed by ,harry or 8the rats20 for ,i thought that if ,i did not need them--which1 indeed1 ,i sincerely hoped might be the case--,i could certainly find some one who would be thankful for them4 ,these rations consisted chiefly of sugar that was almost black2 very bad black tea1 which when made looked like dye2 the poorest kind of sea-biscuit2 and other things accordingly4 ,the provisions for the ,mormon emigrants were purchased in bulk by the ,church authorities1 who made their own profits out of them1 and the ,apostle at ,liverpool had the benefit of all that could be saved out of them during the voyage4 ,it was commonly said among the people that the sight of them alone was quite sufficient for any one who was not half-starved2 and yet they had paid the price of the best4 ,we had been in ,new ,york several weeks when one day my husband called at the office of a paper called ,the ,mormon1 and there met with the ,apostle ,taylor1 who conducted that paper4 ,the ,apostle expressed great regret that ,mr4 ,stenhouse should be without occupation at that season of the year1 and with a family of children upon his hands4 ,this sympathy1 coming from a brother ,missionary was1 ,i thought1 very tardy1 for my husband had then devoted over ten years of his life to the cause1 and his record in the ,church had been untarnished4 ,the ,apostle was living in an elegant house1 surrounded by every comfort and luxury1 while he knew that we had not so much as a chair1 or even a bed to lie upon4 ,what had he done for the ,church more than my husband had done8 ,indeed1 ,i firmly believe that he had not endured half so much1 but--he was an ,apostle6 ,his unhelping sympathy appeared to me a little more than questionable4 ,he told my husband that he might come into the office of ,the ,mormon1 and write the addresses on the wrappers1 and that he would give him a few dollars a week 8to help things along10 until something better presented itself4 ,my husband thought this a disinterested action on the part of the ,apostle ,john ,taylor1 but my experience in ,mormonism led me to be distrustful and suspicious of everything that an ,elder or ,apostle said or did4 ,this offer1 however1 came when we really had nothing to look to1 and dared not refuse any assistance that was offered1 however small it might be4 ,but ,i must admit that my ideas of ,apostolic liberality were very much shocked when at the end of the week ,mr4 ,stenhouse informed me that he had been allowed four dollars for his services1 and that out of that magnificent sum the ,apostle ,john ,taylor had deducted twenty-five cents which sheer necessity had compelled him to borrow for the week's ferriage4 ,the ,apostle-editor had two assistants from ,utah with him in ,the ,mormon office--the one a 8,seventy10 and the other a 8,high-,priest0--terms and titles which ,i shall presently explain4 ,a few weeks after my husband entered the office1 the 8,seventy0 who had charge of getting out the paper was allowed to return to ,zion4 ,the ,high-,priest remained in the ,eastern ,states visiting alternately the various branches of the ,church1 and doing some very zealous courting with a young ,english girl who lived in ,williamsburgh1 while his two unsuspecting wives at home in ,salt ,lake ,city were earnestly praying the ,lord to bless him in his 8mission40 ,whatever the ,apostle may have thought of his associate1 he could not very well remonstrate with him1 for he himself was1 and had been for some time1 doing a good deal in that line with an amiable ,connecticut girl1 and was only waiting for special permission from ,brigham ,young1 to add her to the half-dozen wives he already had in ,utah4 ,there was1 moreover1 another ,high-,priest attached to that office1 but no one seemed to understand his exact position4 ,to all appearance his principal occupation was travelling from ,new ,york to ,connecticut and from ,connecticut back again to ,new ,york4 ,he was a very robust-looking man1 but it was reported that he was troubled with heart-disease1 and that the purer air of ,connecticut was a great relief to him4 ,this ,i fully believed when1 some time after1 ,i discovered that the young lady engaged to the ,apostle had a charming sister1 for ,i thought it very probable that she rendered no small assistance to the ,connecticut air in giving relief to his diseased heart4 ,my husband not being at that particular time under the influence of 8heart-disease10 soon became very useful on the editorial staff4 ,in fact1 pretty well everything was left to him1 and not unfrequently for two or three days he saw nothing of the ,apostle or either of his associates1 and the whole responsibility of getting out the paper--at the magnificent salary of four dollars a week6--rested upon him4 ,he was told that he must regard it as a mission1 and be prepared to act accordingly4 ,in course of time1 however1 the visits to ,connecticut came to an end4 ,the ,apostle obtained ,brother ,brigham's permission to practise a little ,polygamy among the ,gentiles1 and ,miss ,young made him an excellent housekeeper in a handsomely furnished house in ,brooklyn4 ,the poor ,high-,priest and the ,seventy did not fare so well3 they were expected to wait until they reached ,zion4 ,the two young ladies to whom they were engaged were amiable and good girls1 who would without doubt have met with excellent husbands either in or out of the ,church2 but the name of an ,apostle or ,high-,priest--when the men themselves were away from home--carried with it many charms1 and won the hearts of the young ladies and their friends4 ,the ,apostle was1 of course1 well used to the training of wives in the 8celestial order10 and when he returned home with his youngest bride he suffered no particular inconvenience4 ,but the ,high-,priests realized the truth of the adage 8,the course of true love never did run smooth40 ,the first wife of one of them refused to have anything to do with his new bride1 and kept him at a respectful distance from herself then and ever afterwards2 while the first wife of the other declined to acknowledge the claims of her youthful rival4 ,the first ,high-,priest has gone to heaven2 the other1 in the course of time1 gave a bill of divorce to his wife4 ,what happiness either of these three girls found in ,polygamy they best know1 but the young widow appears decidedly the happiest of the three4 ,i had heard much while in ,london about men taking wives 8from principle10 and that1 after the first wife1 they made no open display of their love1 but ,i could not see that they differed in the slightest from their ,gentile brethren in that respect2 the ,utah ,elders of whom ,i have spoken always seemed to be very human4 ,in all ,polygamic courtships that ,i have since witnessed1 the brethren have appeared to think that the 8,lord's0 revelation was a trifle too slow in arranging affairs of the heart1 and they have been zealously preparing for its coming4 ,in some instances the revelation has come too late1 and in many others it would have been very disastrous if it had not come at all4 ,in all cases it may be safely asserted that all that has been said about getting the consent of the first wife and obtaining a revelation from the ,lord as to whether it is pleasing in ,his sight for a man to take another wife1 or not--is pure folly and nonsense4 ,brigham ,young is the only 8lord0 who has ever been consulted on that question4 ,if he acknowledged this to the people and they chose to abide by it1 they alone would be to blame2 but it is the grossest of frauds for men claiming to be the representatives of ,jesus ,christ to play upon the credulity of an honest people1 trifling with the most sacred subjects1 and telling them that ,god answers by special revelation and declares whether or not it is ,his will that each of these plural marriages should take place4 ,the ,apostles and ,elders themselves are not deceived4 ,they know well enough that there is no truth in all this mockery2 they know that the only source of all their revelations is the man ,brigham ,young4 ,,chapter ,,xiii4 ,,saintly ,,pilgrims ,,on ,,the ,,way--,,the 8,,divine0 ,,hand-,,cart ,,scheme4 ,one ,sunday morning in early spring ,i attended a meeting of the ,saints in ,williamsburgh4 ,my husband was there1 and took part in the service1 and so did the ,apostle ,taylor1 and one or two other ,utah ,elders4 ,i went to that meeting in a very desponding state of mind1 for our prospects since the day of our arrival had not brightened very much1 and ,i felt the need of some comforting and cheering words4 ,whether it was the influence of the clear spring morning1 or that the ,elders had noticed the depression of spirit among the ,saints1 ,i cannot tell1 but ,i know that on that particular occasion their words seemed to me more earnest and encouraging than they had been for a long time past4 ,as we came out from the meeting1 ,brother ,benton1 one of the ,elders1 stepped up to my husband1 and said1 8,brother ,stenhouse1 they are expected to arrive to-night or to-morrow2 ,i suppose you will be down at the #8,gardens' to meet them40 ,i knew well enough who 8they0 were who were expected to arrive1 and so did ,mr4 ,stenhouse4 8,yes10 he said1 8of course ,i shall be there1 but most likely we shall have to wait a few days before they come40 ,then he stopped and talked over the matter with ,elder ,benton4 ,now it chanced that at that time ,brigham ,young was trying an experiment4 ,the 8,prophet of the ,lord0 sometimes finds it necessary--notwithstanding the 8revelations0 which he is supposed to receive--to try experiments like other men before he can feel sure that his plans are likely to succeed4 ,the only difference between him and other men is1 that he--knowing himself that his plans are his own inventions1 or the inventions of the leaders--gives out that they come direct from ,god1 thereby deceiving the ignorant1 innocent1 and confiding people2 and when his plans fail1 as they often do1 he never confesses that he is wrong or mistaken1 but lays all the blame on some other person1 or1 failing that1 on 8the ,lord0 or the devil4 ,other men1 as a rule1 say nothing about 8the ,lord0 or devil1 but when their experiments fail they frankly confess that they themselves were not inspired1 but were liable to err4 ,that is all the difference4 ,in the present instance ,brigham ,young tried an experiment upon a rather large scale4 ,up to the year #ahef the ,mormon emigrants made the journey from the ,frontiers across the ,plains by ox-teams1 as ,i have already described1 and every season some of the wealthier ,mormons formed themselves into an independent company1 paid their own expenses1 and travelled with more comfort4 ,the expense to the poorer emigrants was very small1 for they performed the greater part of the journey on foot--the ox-teams being used for transporting provisions and baggage--one hundred pounds of the latter being allowed to each emigrant4 ,this 8plan0 was1 so far1 a success1 and the settlements of the ,saints increased thereby1 slowly but surely1 in population and wealth4 ,there were1 however1 at that time1 thousands of ,saints in ,europe anxious to emigrate1 but who were too poor to provide the small sum requisite for that purpose4 ,during the winter of #ahee this difficulty was discussed in ,conference by ,brigham and the leading men in ,salt ,lake1 and some one suggested what was afterwards known as the 8,hand-,cart ,scheme40 ,the idea of this 8scheme0 was to transfer the people from ,liverpool to the ,frontiers in the cheapest possible way1 and for them then to cross the ,plains with light-made hand-carts1 just strong enough to carry the fewest possible necessary articles1 but sufficiently light for the men1 women1 and even young girls1 to draw them4 ,this 8plan0 would not perhaps have been a bad one if it had been properly carried out1 and if ,brigham ,young had seen1 as he might have done1 that suitable preparations were made beforehand4 ,but the ,hand-,cart ,emigration ,scheme began with a lie and ended in ruin4 ,the confiding ,saints were told that 8,god0 had specially inspired ,his servant ,brigham for this purpose1 and the scheme was a revelation direct from on high4--,no proper measures were taken to provide for the emigrants--all was done upon faith--faith on the part of the people in their--as they supposed--inspired leaders2 deception on the part of those leaders towards the people1 whose only fault was that they trusted them too well4 ,the ,millennial ,star proclaimed the 8plan0 to the ,saints in ,europe1 and so great was the response to this special summons that in that year--#ahef--;it was roughly estimated that no fewer than five or six thousand ,mormon emigrants travelled from ,liverpool to ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,it was the first company of these emigrants that ,brother ,benton alluded to when he told ,mr4 ,stenhouse that 8they0 were expected that night or the next2 but in those days emigrant vessels were frequently delayed by adverse winds and other circumstances1 and no one could calculate upon the exact time of their arrival in port4 ,the following morning1 my husband1 when he returned from the ,mormon office1 brought with him a letter bearing the ,english postmark1 and addressed to me in the neat unmistakable handwriting of ,mary ,burton4 ,i had been waiting and watching for a letter from her ever since our arrival2 ,i was anxious to hear from her1 and ,i hastily tore it open1 so impatient was ,i to know how she was getting on4 ,what ,i read interested me deeply1 though it did not surprise me4 ,i had seen ,mary many times after the interview which ,i have already related1 and our conversations and discussions were to us of all-absorbing interest2 but as they were mostly personal ,i have not cared to record them in this narrative4 ,to tell the truth1 her love affairs with ,elder ,shrewsbury occupied more and more the most prominent place in all our discussions4 ,his enthusiasm was perfectly infectious4 ,as long as ,mary absolutely refused to see him1 her love for him and her faith in ,mormonism were anything but overpowering4 ,but ,elder ,shrewsbury was one of those peculiar persons who have a sort of magnetic charm about them2 who1 without our knowing it1 or even1 in some instances1 contrary to our will and reason1 enlist all our sympathies and leave behind them an impression that we vainly try to efface4 ,he only wanted opportunity1 and his success was sure4 ,opportunity he had had for pressing his suit with ,mary and making an impression upon her heart1 ever since the day when they met at my door1 and had taken that walk together1 as ,mary said1 for the purpose of discussing important matters4 ,now the letter which ,i received opened to me another chapter in ,mary's life1 which without the gift of prophecy ,i might have easily predicted4 ,elder ,shrewsbury's patience and perseverance met with their due reward1 and ,mary at length promised to become his wife2 but fascinated though she was1 and herself almost as deeply in love as he was1 she nevertheless made one condition which showed that she had not entirely lost that prudence and determination which she had shown in the early days of their courtship4 8,when he spoke to me in that way--you know how1 ,sister ,stenhouse0--she said in her impulsive way1 8,how could ,i persist in saying ,no to him8 ,it wasn't in my heart to do so4 ,i didn't say #8,yes' in so many words1 but ,i simply said nothing1 and he took my silence for consent4 ,then--but no1 ,i won't even tell you everything4444 ,i know he thought he was going to have it all his own way2 but ,i didn't think so4 ,i told him then that ,i had firmly resolved upon one thing--that ,i never would marry him unless he made a solemn vow and promise before ,god that he would never enter into ,polygamy4 ,i could not hide from him that ,i loved him--he knew it and could see it2 but ,i said ,i never would go to ,utah alone1 and ,i certainly never would marry at the risk of my husband taking another wife4 ,no2 ,i was willing to give him my heart1 my all--it was only fair for him to do the same by me4444 ,he was very near me then1 and my hand was in his2 and he was looking into my eyes4 ,then he whispered the promise ,i had asked of him1 and1 dear ,sister ,stenhouse1 ,i know ,i can depend upon his word4 ,we shall be happier in this world by ourselves1 and we feel quite sure that ,god will not ask us to do anything in heaven that would make us miserable4 ,perhaps ,i oughtn't to say this1 but ,i'm so happy that ,i cannot allow myself one single wretched doubt about the future or my husband1 such as ,i used to have4444 ,we were married on the #bgth of ,january4444 8,and now we are getting ready for ,zion1 and are busy day and night4 ,of course you have heard of the 8,divine ,plan0--the ,hand-,cart ,scheme4 ,oh1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 ,i am so very1 very much ashamed of myself for all the wicked things that ,i used to say about the ,apostles and the ,elders4 ,since our marriage1 ,elder ,shrewsbury has explained everything to me1 and set things in their right light4 ,it is a glorious privilege for us to be permitted to gather to ,zion1 and now that ,i know my dear husband will never even think of another besides myself1 ,i glory in the thought of leaving the ,gentile world and all its wickedness4444 8,we go with the first company this season4 8,i will tell you all the rest of the news when ,i meet you1 dear40 ,so ,mary ,burton was married1 and coming with the ,hand-,cart ,company4 8,why10 ,i said1 turning to my husband1 8they'll be here in a day or two now40 8,perhaps to-day10 he replied4 ,they did not1 however1 arrive either that day or the next2 but towards the end of the week we were told that their vessel was in the river1 and ,i accompanied my husband to ,castle ,gardens to see them4 ,a strange spectacle was presented to our view4 ,more than six hundred ,mormon emigrants were gathered there1 all on their way to ,zion1 and burning with zeal and enthusiasm worthy of a better cause4 ,there were aged men and women1 whose heads were hoary with the snows of many a winter1 and whose tottering steps had borne them to the verge of three score years and ten2 there were stout-hearted fathers and families1 and matrons with sons and daughters growing up around them2 there were young men in the pride and strength of manhood2 and maidens in the modest blush of womanly beauty2 and little toddling children1 and babes in their mothers' arms--all obedient to what they thought was the command of ,god ,himself--all with their faces set steadfastly and anxiously ,zionward4 ,let not the reader smile at the blind infatuation of those poor emigrants4 ,would he or she have suffered so confidingly--so faithfully--for his or her religion8 ,they might be mistaken2 but truly theirs was a faith which 8hoped all things1 believed all things1 endured all things40 ,surely1 in ,his sight--who judges the heart--the blind obedience of those men and women who were ready to suffer and to endure unto the bitter end1 because in their child-like faith they thought that it was ,his holy will--such practical devotion was more truly acceptable than the formal professions of an untested faith4 ,i met at ,castle ,gardens many whom ,i had known in the old country2 but it was one particular face which ,i was anxious to see4 ,a man wrapped in a thick great coat1 and with a fur cap upon his head1 brushed against me2 and before ,i had time to raise my eyes1 my hand was grasped in his1 and ,i heard ,mary's husband say1 8,oh ,sister ,stenhouse1 ,i'm so glad to see you2 ,i knew we should meet you in ,new ,york4 ,come and see ,mary4 ,she's my ,mary now60 ,i went with ,elder ,shrewsbury and ,i saw ,mary4 ,but oh1 how greatly was she changed6 ,when ,i returned from our ,swiss mission and saw her after an interval of several years1 ,i was1 of course1 struck with the alteration which had then transformed her from a pretty little fairy-like girl into a decorous young lady contemplating matrimony2 but although ,i had now been absent from ,england only a few months1 ,i observed a much more striking alteration in her than on the previous occasion4 ,it was not now1 ,i thought1 so much an outward and personal change1 as a new development of her inner consciousness--her soul itself4 ,her form was as graceful1 and her eyes as bright as ever2 but from those eyes there now shone forth another light than that which ,i had thought so charming in the by-gone time4 ,her affection for me was as warm and demonstrative as when we first met4 ,she recognized me in a moment1 before her husband had time to say a word2 and1 throwing both her arms round me1 she kissed me again and again with all the effusion of her childish days4 ,taking my hand she led me gently into a quiet corner and seated me beside her on a big trunk1 and then she began to talk4 ,it was the same soft sweet voice again1 which used to be so dear to me when ,i was left all alone in ,southampton1 soon after my marriage1 while my husband was on mission in ,italy4 ,she told me all the story of her courtship--all1 and much more1 than she had told me in her letter4 ,but it was when she came to speak of her marriage1 of her husband1 and especially of their pilgrimage to ,utah1 that ,i observed more especially the change which had taken place in her4 ,she was no longer the light-hearted girl1 half-doubting her strange religion1 and rejecting it altogether when it did not coincide with her own ideas and wishes4 ,no3 ,elder ,shrewsbury--had he been ten times a ,mormon ,elder--could not have wished for a more obedient1 a more earnest1 ,i might say1 a more fanatical believer than was now to be found in his young and beautiful wife4 ,her eyes really glowed with enthusiasm as she spoke of 8the work of the ,lord0 and of 8gathering to ,zion20 and her voice1 though soft and sweet as ever1 had in it1 now and then1 a tinge of sternness which told of a determination and spirit which the casual observer would never have suspected4 ,i expressed some surprise that she and her husband1 not being without funds1 should have gone with the ,hand-,cart ,company when they might have waited and have gone with so much more comfort with one of the independent companies4 8,why1 ,sister ,stenhouse10 she said1 8we have done it as a matter of faith4 ,certainly we could have afforded to go in any way we chose1 but my husband said we ought to be an example to the poorer saints2 so we gave away nearly all our money to help the emigration fund1 and then we came1 just as you see us1 along with the rest40 8,but the danger and discomfort is so great10 ,i suggested4 8,surely the ,lord does not want us to sacrifice ourselves when no one is benefitted by it80 8,not a bit10 said she2 8there's no danger1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 and if there were it would only please me all the more4 ,as for discomfort1 why we should have had that any way1 and we both glory in making sacrifices4 ,besides which1 we have been told by the ,apostle that this will be the most pleasant and successful journey across the ,plains that has ever been made40 8,i am a little doubtful of the promises of ,apostles and ,elders10 ,i said2 8and ,i remember1 ,mary1 when you used to agree with me40 8,i know ,i did10 she answered2 8but ,brother ,shrewsbury has shown me how wrong ,i was--,i never doubt now4 ,but ,i think you have a wrong notion about this hand-cart scheme4 ,it is not an ordinary plan such as any man might have made4 ,god ,himself revealed this plan to ,brigham1 and in fact we call it #8the divine plan' in our songs4 ,oh1 you should hear our songs6 ,they're a little rough1 but the singing is so earnest and the voices of the men and girls blend so well together1 that ,i know you'd like them4 ,there's only one thing that ,i don't like about this plan1 and that ,i daresay is all right if only ,i knew it40 8,i think1 ,mary10 ,i said1 8,i could tell you a good deal that you wouldn't like if you knew it40 8,no1 dear10 she replied hastily1 as if afraid to hear me1 8don't tell me unpleasant matters4 ,i'll tell you all ,i meant4 ,the ,prophet and ,heber ,c4 ,kimball1 and ,jedediah ,grant1 counselled the richer emigrants to give as much as they could--all their property1 if they had faith enough--to help the poor brethren to emigrate2 but the ,american ,elders had private instructions--so ,brother ,shrewsbury told me--to use the money to help out all the unmarried girls who are willing to go4 ,i confess that this troubled me not a little2 but my husband says that when we get to ,zion we shall find all will be right1 and of course ,i believe him40 ,mary's conversation puzzled me a good deal at the time4 ,she had formerly been so clear-sighted and so unbiassed by prejudice1 and now she seemed ready to believe anything4 ,all her husband's enthusiasm was now her own2 she saw with his eyes1 and in the intensity of her love for him she believed all that he accepted as true4 ,long after1 when ,i thought of that short interview1 ,i called to mind her impulsive earnestness1 and ,i felt that a secret misgiving1 unconsciously to herself1 was partly the cause of it4 ,unknown to herself her excess of zeal was the offspring of doubt4 ,life in the future was in anticipation to my poor friend one long day of hope and happiness4 ,she could not see the shadow of a cloud--no coming sorrow darkened her way4 ,zion1 to her excited imagination1 was the abode of peace1 and sanctity1 and unchanging joy4 ,i asked her whether the ,saints in ,england had heard any of those strange reports about ,brigham ,young defying the ,government1 which had attracted so much attention in this country4 8,certainly10 she said2 8it is because the day is so very near when all intercourse between ,god's people and the ,gentile world shall be cut off for ever that these great efforts are being made to gather the ,saints to ,zion4 ,of course you know this1 but ,i don't think you know all4 ,why1 at the last general conference in ,liverpool1 the president had instructions from ,salt ,lake to propose ,brigham ,young as #8prophet1 seer1 revelator1 and ,king6'0 8,king80 ,i said4 8,how can ,president ,young ever be #8king'8 ,utah is part of the territory of the ,states1 and under their jurisdiction2 it is not even a ,state itself yet1 and ,congress has refused to sanction the name of ,deseret4 ,this country will never suffer a kingdom to be set up in ,utah2 you must be misinformed1 ,sister ,mary40 8,no1 ,sister ,stenhouse10 she exclaimed1 8,i am under no mistake4 ,my husband assured me that the conference accepted the proposition1 and that it was received unanimously4 ,the ,saints are gathering in from all parts of the world1 and when war is declared they will not be found unprepared4 ,why1 here on board with us1 the ,american ,elders are all provided with swords and revolvers of the very best make that could be got for love or money1 and ,i myself have heard them say that ,brigham ,young intends shortly to declare his independence of the ,united ,states4 ,we didn't know this before we left ,england1 but we felt sure that he had some great purpose in view which had been revealed to him40 8,before we left10 ,i said1 8the ,saints were all eager to emigrate40 8,yes1 dear10 she answered1 8but nothing like they are now4 ,you have no idea how excited and anxious everybody is4 ,some of the people1 in order to obey counsel1 sold their watches and jewellery1 and even their best clothes1 scarcely keeping enough for the journey1 and every one who had any money gave it away4 ,brigham ,young set a noble example in that2 even the ,gentiles would admire him if they knew all4 ,why1 we had on board ship with us ,brother ,tenant1 the rich new convert1 who paid thirty thousand dollars for the property which ,brigham ,young so generously gave to help the ,emigration ,fund4 ,he hardly had enough left to carry him and his family to ,zion2 and now he is going to cross the ,plains with us1 to settle in ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,he is somewhere here among the emigrants1 ,i believe1 at the present moment1 and you could ask him all about it if you liked4 ,the brethren assure him that ,brother ,brigham is so liberal that he will get vastly more than the value of his thirty thousand dollars when he reaches ,zion1 and ,i hope he will1 for ,i like both him and his wife40 ,all this was thus far true1 but it was with some misgivings that ,i heard ,mary talk about it4 ,still ,i tried to persuade myself that it was a sin to doubt4 ,how little did either of us imagine that after poor ,mr4 ,tenant's miserable death upon the ,plains we should live to see his wife--destitute and defrauded of her property by generous-hearted ,brigham--dragging out a miserable existence in ,zion1 and dependent even for a crust of bread upon the kindness of the brethren4 ,and yet1 as ,i have previously stated1 this was how the ,prophet1 under the mask of liberality1 contrived1 for his own purposes1 to cheat this unfortunate and too-confiding ,saint4 ,then we talked of what more nearly interested ourselves1 and ,mary asked me when ,mr4 ,stenhouse and myself were coming out4 ,i told her that it was quite uncertain1 but that we expected to before long4 8,at any rate you will come out before the season is over80 she said4 8,most likely so10 ,i replied2 8but you will be safely there and settled before we arrive40 ,how little did she imagine the fearful scenes she was to witness--the terrible sufferings she was to endure--before the season she spoke of had passed away4 ,could ,i at that time have known all1 ,i would have prayed that sooner than set out on that fearful journey she might find refuge in the grave from the horrors which1 unknown to her1 were brooding over her way4 ,we talked long1 and then my husband joined us--,elder ,shrewsbury was called away by some necessary duty--and when we parted it was with many promises to write frequently to each other of our common religious interests1 as well as the welfare of ourselves and those we loved4 ,then ,i spoke with several other old friends1 and we exchanged greetings with all sorts of people1 for my husband wherever he goes is always sure to be upon speaking terms with almost everybody he meets4 ,the ,hand-,cart ,company left ,new ,york for ,utah--a long and formidable journey at best--but in that instance1 through mismanagement and neglect1 one of the most fatal expeditions that imprudent man has ever undertaken2 and it was not until months and months had passed away1 and another season had come round1 that we heard anything of their fate4 ,and time went on1 but my troubles did not lighten4 ,my husband still continued to work at the ,mormon office1 and after a while his salary was slightly increased from time to time2 but still his earnings were altogether inadequate for the support of a family1 and ,i found it absolutely necessary to obtain some employment for myself4 ,it cost me many a long and weary day of search and inquiry1 and many a battle with my pride1 before ,i could get anything to do2 but at last ,i was successful1 and although my little ones required constant attention1 ,i contrived to add a very decent quota to the scanty family purse4 ,and thus matters continued until the following year--our life of uncertainty and care unchanged4 ,little in my life at that time is worth recording3 to me it was one long1 painful struggle1 and any change which could come ,i felt must be for the better4 ,my experience of ,mormonism was of course enlarged as new facts presented themselves to my observation1 and by nothing was my faith so much shaken as by the discrepancies between the written and spoken ,mormonism which was presented with fair face to the ,european ,saints and the world at large1 and the actual conduct of the ,elders4 ,from the first moment when ,polygamy was announced1 the leaders had strictly forbidden the missionaries to enter into any alliances with the sisters abroad1 or to make any proposals of marriage to them1 or to enter into any matrimonial covenants4 ,in the language of ,heber ,c4 ,kimball--,brigham's first counsellor--they were 8not to pick out from the flock the young1 fair1 and tender lambs10 but were to bring them all safely home to ,zion4 ,this counsel was all very well1 for it tended to keep the ,elders out of mischief1 and afforded an opportunity to the brethren at home to select more and more youthful wives from the fair converts who were gathered in to ,zion4 ,but the missionaries found it very irksome to obey this counsel1 and in point of fact those who did so formed a very small minority4 ,one of the missionaries who had just returned from ,europe came one day to our house in ,new ,york1 and brought a youthful sister with him4 ,he was by no means a handsome man or prepossessing in his appearance1 but ,i saw at once that he had succeeded in obtaining considerable influence over the young sister's mind4 ,he said she was not very happy1 and he wanted her to stay with some respectable family for a week or two until they set out for ,utah1 and ,i agreed that she should stay with us4 ,she began to play with the children1 and took one of them in her arms in a way which attracted my attention1 for ,i noticed that tears were in her eyes1 and she excited my sympathy4 ,i asked her as gently and as delicately as ,i could what was the matter with her1 and what her sorrow was1 and she told me that she herself had two little ones at home and was wretched at being parted from them4 ,she had obeyed counsel1 and had left her husband and a happy home to go to ,zion4 ,she loved them all dearly2 but1 deluded by false teachings1 and promises that she should soon have her children again1 she had stolen away and left them all4 ,i reasoned with her1 tried to make her see how wrongly she had acted1 and persuaded her to return to her husband and seek his forgiveness4 ,but it was all in vain4 ,the salvation of her soul she thought was beyond all earthly considerations2 she must stifle the suggestions of her heart within her2 she must hasten to ,zion4 ,thus she left me1 and like many another victim1 ,i never expected to see her again4 ,one morning1 a few months later1 ,i was astonished to receive a visit from her4 ,after expressing my pleasure at seeing her once more1 she told me that what ,i said had so impressed her that when the emigrants had arrived at ,st4 ,louis she had refused to proceed any further on the journey1 had written to her husband1 had made everything right with him1 and was now on her way back to her home in ,england4 ,my story is so full of painful reminiscences1 that it is with pleasure that ,i record this incident--one of the rare cases in which folly was not succeeded by utter ruin and misery4 ,alas1 how many instances ,i might mention1 which fell beneath my own personal observation1 of wives and mothers led away by the delusive doctrines which they mistook for inspiration1 and who sought vainly1 through years of misery1 for peace and rest1 until at length they found it in the darkness of the tomb4 ,towards the end of the year #aheg1 the difficulties in ,utah1 and a financial panic in ,new ,york1 resulted in the discontinuance of the ,mormon4 ,my husband was thus thrown out of employment1 and to add to our difficulties the people for whom ,i worked suspended operations4 ,this new trial of our faith1 however1 was not long2 out of apparent evil good came4 ,released from his obligations to the ,apostle and the ,mormon paper1 my husband now set earnestly to work to obtain a living without the crippling influences of 8counsel0 or the dictates of those whom his religion taught him to respect4 ,i had always believed that if suffered to act for himself1 his energy was such that he would certainly carve his way to a respectable position in the world4 ,in this ,i was not deceived1 either at the time of which ,i speak or at a later period when1 in ,salt ,lake ,city1 he engaged in active business on his own account4 ,in ,new ,york1 where he had been1 by this time1 appointed ,president of the ,eastern ,mission1 and was actively engaged in advocating the claims of the ,mormon ,church1 he sought and found employment on the staff of the ,herald1 and in connexion with other daily papers2 and such was his success1 that from a condition of misery and poverty we were very soon raised to a position of comfort1 and surrounded by every luxury suitable to our station in life2 and this position we enjoyed until called upon to leave all and journey across the ,plains to ,zion4 ,our own journey to ,zion was postponed for a while2 but not long before we set forth1 ,i received the long-expected letter which ,mary ,burton had promised me2 and as it contains a vivid picture of a mode of transit--the only mode which could then be used--across the ,plains1 and shows what people were forced to endure so recently as a few short years ago1 ,i shall give it in the following chapter2 for ,i feel sure that if the reader did not peruse the story in the exact words of my unfortunate friend1 he never would believe that in this country and in our own times such a terrible tragedy could have been enacted4 ,,chapter ,,xiv4 ,a ,,terrible ,,story3--,,the ,,hand-,,cart ,,emigrants ,,crossing ,,the ,,plains4 8,i promised to write and tell you all about our journey across the ,plains1 but ,i little expected to have such a terrible tale to tell4 8,you have heard so much of the journey to ,salt ,lake ,valley that you know pretty well how we must have travelled to ,iowa ,city1 where it was necessary that we should wait until the whole company was quite ready for the long journey which lay before us4 8,our life up to a certain point was much the same1 and we met with the same difficulties as all other emigrants who had gone before us4 ,but there the comparison ends4 ,privation1 and toil1 and weariness1 and not infrequently sickness and death1 wore out many of the companies that went before us1 but they never suffered as we did4 ,it is utterly impossible for me to tell you all that we went through4 ,and when ,i finish this letter and lay down my pen1 and even when you read the fearful story of my own experience during that journey1 you will still have but the faintest idea of the horrors and sufferings which we endured4 8,at ,iowa ,city we found nothing prepared for us4 ,when we left ,liverpool we were told that hand-carts1 provisions1 and all that we needed1 should be provided before we arrived4 ,if this had been done we should have had just fairly time enough to travel over the ,plains and reach ,salt ,lake before the terrible cold of winter set in4 ,as it was1 everything went wrong4 ,the ,elders who had been sent out before us to buy tents and carts and all that we wanted had either been unfortunate or very careless1 for1 as ,i said1 when we arrived in ,iowa ,city not the slightest preparation had been made4 8,you know how strong my faith was when we left ,new ,york1 and how ,brother ,shrewsbury and myself were ready to sacrifice everything4 ,i can assure you that we were fully tested1 and ,i do think that but for our strong faith not a single soul of all that company would have survived that journey4 8,three companies had1 after a long delay1 been sent out before we reached ,iowa ,city4 ,as it was then early in the season1 they completed their journey before the cold of winter set in4 ,i afterwards heard that ,brigham ,young and the ,elders1 when they saw those companies arrive safely in ,salt ,lake ,city1 spoke of the scheme as a successful experiment4 ,we had been taught that the scheme came directly from heaven1 and was neither speculation nor experiment1 and when ,i heard that1 after all1 the ,prophet himself spoke of it as a matter of doubtful issue1 ,i asked myself--,whom1 then1 can we believe8 8,we waited three weeks in ,iowa ,camp while they were making the hand-carts4 ,they were very lightly made1 and ,i think not at all suitable for such a long and wearisome journey2 and being so hastily put together1 and most of the wood unseasoned1 they were utterly unfit for the rough work for which they were constructed4 ,twenty of these carts--one to every five--were allowed to every hundred persons1 who were also allowed five good-sized tents and one ,chicago waggon1 with three yoke of oxen1 to transport the baggage and provisions4 ,we were only allowed seventeen pounds of bedding and clothing each1 which1 with cooking utensils1 c41 made up about one hundred pounds to each cart1 and that was quite as much as the cart 7itself only sixty pounds in weight7 could carry4 ,you can see1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 how difficult it must have been out of every hundred persons--men1 women1 and children--to find twenty who were strong enough to pull even such frail things as those hand-carts were4 ,the married men and the young men and boys did the best they could1 but they could do no more1 and some of the carts were drawn by young girls alone4 8,the girls and women who had no husbands used to occupy a tent by themselves at night2 but in the other tents1 whole families1 without respect to age or sex1 together with the young men who assisted them during the day1 used to find shelter4 ,this you will see at once was exceedingly inconvenient2 but we had no choice1 and we had been so long associated1 and had suffered so much together1 that we did not feel it as much as we otherwise must have done4 ,illustration3 8,,gathering ,,to ,,zion0--,,life ,,on ,,the ,,plains4 ,to face p4 #abe4 8,what weary days we spent6 ,hour after hour went by1 mile after mile we walked1 and never1 never seemed to be a step the further on our way4 ,sometimes ,i recalled to mind a hymn which we used to sing at ,sunday ,school1 when ,i was a child--an evening hymn in which we returned thanks that we were-- #8,a day's march nearer home4' 8,but day after day went by--wearily1 hopelessly--and when each night came on1 and1 tired and footsore1 we lay down to rest1 we seemed no nearer to our home in ,zion4 8,do not think1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 that we gave way to despondency4 ,what we felt1 ,god alone knows2 but our poor weary hearts were full of confiding faith in ,him1 and we placed undoubting confidence in the promises and prophecies which we had received through ,his chosen servants4 ,the young folks were light-hearted and gay1 and with all the enthusiasm of youth they pressed on1 thinking not of the way but only of the end2 and their example was most encouraging4 8,my husband was one of the bravest and truest of all that band4 ,he drew the cart which we shared with another ,elder and his wife and their grown-up daughter4 ,they were old people--,i mean the ,elder and his wife--and the daughter was an old maid1 unpleasant1 thin1 and sour1 and too feeble to do anything4 ,there were reasons why ,i was excused from taking any share in hard work2 but ,i felt as zealous as the rest1 and day after day walked beside my husband1 thinking that1 if nothing more1 my companionship might cheer him4 ,the old folks walked behind1 and so did the children2 but sometimes1 when the little ones were very weary indeed1 the parents would place them on the top of the bedding in the hand-cart1 and give them a lift4 ,but some of the elderly people who were unused to walking far1 and whom it was impossible to carry1 suffered a great deal2 and sometimes mothers with children at their breasts would trudge on mile after mile in all the heat and dust without a murmur or complaint1 until they almost dropped down with fatigue4 ,what some of those poor creatures suffered1 no words could tell4 8,the sun shone down upon us with intense heat as we travelled through ,iowa1 and the people from the farm-houses and villages came out to see us1 and wondered at our rashness in undertaking such a journey4 ,they were very kind to us1 and came and visited us in our camps1 and offered some of the men work and good wages if they would stay there instead of going on to ,zion4 ,a few of the people accepted these offers2 but the ,elders1 as you may suppose1 watched carefully every company and every man2 and in the evening1 when meetings for prayer and preaching were held1 we were earnestly exhorted to obedience1 and the sin of acting upon our own judgments was set forth in the very plainest terms4 ,the kindness of the ,iowa people1 however1 encouraged us1 and they freely gave to those who most needed whatever they could to help us on our way4 8,and we needed help and sympathy4 8,of course1 with only one waggon to carry all the provisions for a hundred persons1 besides five tents1 our supply of food was very limited4 ,at that period of the journey the grown-up people were allowed ten ounces of flour a day and a little--and but a very little--coffee1 sugar1 rice1 and bacon4 ,this was a very scanty allowance for people who all day long had to draw the hand-carts or to trudge mile after mile in all that burning heat and dust--but we never complained4 ,some of the men ate all their rations at breakfast1 and went without anything more until the next morning1 unless they were able to beg a little of some friendly farmer by the way4 ,the little children received just half as much as the others4 ,with a very small amount of management this inconvenience might certainly have been avoided1 for provisions of all sorts were very cheap in the districts through which we passed4 ,some of the more thoughtful saints1 ,i know1 felt very bitterly the injustice of this2 for1 as you are aware1 we had paid all our expenses in full--even to the uttermost farthing2 and we had been promised in return a safe and sufficient outfit with plenty of provisions1 and in fact all that was necessary4 ,had we been left to ourselves1 we should of course have provided for every contingency2 but we came in obedience to counsel under the direction of the ,church1 and after we had paid for everything2 the ,church even #8took care' of our money1 so that we therefore could not procure necessaries by the way1 as otherwise we might have done4 8,thus wearily1 and suffering not a little privation1 we travelled all through ,iowa1 until we came to the ,missouri river and encamped at ,florence1 a place about six miles north of ,omaha1 and there we remained about a week1 preparing for our journey across the ,plains4 8,it was the middle of ,august when we arrived at ,florence1 and we had been delayed so much on the way that it appeared to many of the more experienced that it would now be the height of imprudence for us to cross the ,plains at that season4 ,with old people1 delicate women1 and little children1 and without carriages of any sort--except the frail hand-carts that carried our bedding--it would be a weary1 long time1 before we could reach ,salt ,lake4 ,every step must be trudged on foot1 and it was quite impossible that we could walk many miles a day1 while there was before us a journey of over a thousand4 ,some of the ,elders proposed that we should settle where we were1 or somewhere near by1 until the following spring1 and then go on to ,zion2 but others who were more confident urged that we should proceed at once4 ,the ,elders called a great meeting to settle the matter1 at which we were all present4 8,i should tell you that when we first started our whole company was placed under the guidance of ,elder ,james ,g4 ,willie as captain2 and we were again subdivided into five parties of about one hundred each1 and over every hundred was placed an ,elder or sub-captain4 ,the first hundred was headed by ,elder ,atwood1 the second by ,levi ,savage1 the third by ,william ,woodward1 the fourth by ,john ,chislett1 and the fifth by ,elder ,ahmensen4 ,about two hundred of the people were ,scotch and ,scandinavians2 nearly all the rest were ,english4 ,all were assembled at the meeting4 ,you know1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 how meetings were held at home4 ,well1 it was just the same there4 ,we1 of course1 had nothing really to say--we had only to obey counsel and sanction the decision of the leading ,elders4 ,i used to feel annoyed rather at that sort of thing in ,london1 as you may remember2 but now1 when life and death depended upon the wisdom of our decision1 with all my faith1 ,i felt worse than annoyed1 wicked as ,i have no doubt it was for me to feel so4 ,my husband never uttered a word1 but ,i know he felt much as ,i did1 and in that he was not alone among the ,elders4 8,we had neither vote nor influence--the ,elders held our destiny in their hands4 ,in all our company there were only three or four men who had been out to ,salt ,lake before1 and of course they could not be overlooked1 so they gave their opinion at the meeting4 ,they must have fully known the dangers and difficulties of the way1 and what hardships must overtake a company so scantily provided for as was ours1 if we continued our journey4 ,but1 for all that1 they not only spoke slightingly of the danger which threatened us1 but prophesied1 in the name of the ,lord1 that we should pass through triumphantly and suffer neither loss nor harm4 8,one man alone--,levi ,savage--dared to tell the truth4 ,people well-mounted1 or even with good ox-teams1 could safely and easily make the journey1 he said2 but for a band of people like ourselves1 with aged folks1 and women1 and little children1 to attempt it so late was little short of madness4 ,he strongly urged that we should take up our quarters there for the ,winter1 when1 he said1 as soon as spring came on1 we could safely and successfully perform the remainder of our journey4 8,the other ,elders thought that he was weak in the faith1 and plainly told him so2 and one of them even said1 #8he'd eat all the snow that fell between ,florence and ,salt ,lake ,city4' ,the people1 of course1 believed without question what they were told to believe1 for they had long ago made up their minds that the leaders were inspired1 and therefore they dared not doubt them1 and the prudent counsel of ,brother ,savage was rejected accordingly4 ,i was not near enough to hear his words1 but ,i was afterwards told that he said1 #8,what ,i have said1 ,i know is the truth2 but as you are counselled to go forward1 ,i will go with you2 ,i will work1 and rest1 and suffer with you2 and1 if ,god wills it so1 ,i will also die with you4' ,never was man more faithful to his word than was ,brother ,savage1 and often after that1 when sickness1 and weariness1 and cold1 and hunger1 and death1 overtook us--as he had foreseen--he never for one moment forgot the promise which he had so solemnly made4 8,then--the middle of ,august being passed--we left ,florence behind us1 and began our weary journey across the ,plains in much the same fashion as we had already travelled through ,iowa4 ,we had1 however1 taken fresh provisions to last us until we reached ,utah1 and as the oxen could not draw so much extra weight1 one sack1 weighing about a hundred pounds1 was placed on each of the hand-carts1 in addition to the other baggage4 ,this was a severe tax upon the endurance of the people1 but most of them bore it without a murmur4 ,on the other hand1 we fared a little better in the matter of provisions1 for we were allowed a pound of flour a day each1 and also1 occasionally1 a little fresh beef1 and besides that each hundred had three or four milch cows4 ,as we continued our journey1 and the provisions were consumed1 the burdens on the carts1 of course1 grew lighter4 8,but this was only the beginning of our pilgrimage2--the end we could not foresee4 ,every evening1 when we pitched our tents1 we endeavoured--by songs1 and jests1 and interesting stories--to beguile the tediousness of the way4 ,the days were not quite so warm now1 and the nights were more chilly2 but altogether1 it was much more pleasant travelling than it was in the earlier part of the journey1 and no one seemed to remember the almost prophetic remonstrance of ,brother ,savage4 8,still we travelled very slowly1 for the carts were always breaking down2 the wheels came off1 and we had nothing to grease them with4 ,the boxes of the wheels were made of unseasoned wood1 and the heavy pressure upon them1 and the dust that got into them1 soon wore them out4 ,some of the people cut off the tops of their boots and wrapped them round the axles1 and others cut up their tin plates and kettles for the same purpose2 and for grease they used soap1 and even their pitiful allowance of bacon4 ,but as the days passed1 and the flour began to be used up1 these accidents became less frequent4 8,upon an average1 they said1 we travelled about fifteen miles a day1 which ,i think was very good4 ,some few days we even made a little over twenty miles1 but they were balanced by the shortcomings4 ,we tried to feel happy and hopeful1 and even the aged and infirm tried to make light of their toil and privations1 for we did not see that heavy cloud which was looming across our way4 ,i frequently talked with the old and weakly among the people1 to whom both my husband and myself were able to offer little kindnesses1 and they all spoke cheerfully of our prospects4 ,such faith had they in the promises of the ,elders4 8,just before we reached ,wood river1 vast herds of buffaloes appeared in our vicinity1 and one evening all our cattle stampeded1 and the men had to go in search of them4 ,about thirty were lost1 and after hunting after them for three days1 we gave them up4 ,we had only one yoke of oxen now for each waggon1 and as the waggons were loaded each with three thousand pounds of flower1 the teams could not move them4 ,so they yoked up the beef-cattle1 and cows1 and heifers1 but they were unmanageable2 and at last we were obliged again to place a sack of flower upon each hand-cart4 8,this sorely tried us all4 ,some of the people even complained1 but the greater part of us bore up bravely1 believing that it was the will of the ,lord4 ,we still had faith that all would yet be well4 ,this was1 however1 a hard blow4 ,our milch cows were useless to us1 our beef-rations were stopped1 and the burdens which we drew were doubled4 ,every one did his or her best1 but many of us began to be disheartened1 and could hardly get along4 8,one evening there was quite a commotion in the camp4 ,we had pitched our tents for the night on the banks of the ,platte river1 ,i think1 when suddenly quite a grand turn-out of carriages and light waggons came up from the east and joined us4 ,each carriage was drawn by four horses1 and the outfits were in first-class style4 ,nothing could be too good for ,apostles and other #8distinguished' servants of the ,lord1 ,i was anxious to know who they were1 but was not long in finding out4 ,there was the ,apostle ,franklin ,richards1 and ,elders ,webb and ,felt1 and ,joseph ,a4 ,young1 the son of the ,prophet1 and ,elders ,dunbar1 and ,kimball1 and ,grant--all returning ,missionaries4 ,they stayed with us all night1 and in the morning called a great meeting1 and the ,apostle ,richards delivered a speech1 which since has troubled me not a little1 and made me very sorrowful4 8,he had heard of what ,brother ,savage had said1 and then and there1 before us all1 he rebuked him4 ,he then exhorted us to remember the hope set before us1 and told us to pray and work on1 and especially to be obedient to counsel2 and he finished by solemnly prophesying1 in the name of the ,god of ,israel1 that the ,almighty would make a way for us to ,zion2 and that though the snow might fall and the storm rage on the right hand and on the left1 not a hair of our heads should be hurt4 8,some of the people wept with joy as they heard these words4 ,my own heart was full4 ,to me1 this was the voice of inspiration--the voice of ,god--how could ,i doubt again8 8,sister ,stenhouse1 before a month was over1 ,i saw with my own eyes that prophecy1 those promises1 falsified to the very letter2 and yet at the time they came to me and to all else as the word of the ,lord from heaven4 ,tell me1 if men can thus deceive themselves--for ,i do not doubt for a moment that the ,apostle believed his own prophecy--and if we could be so sadly deluded as to believe that what was said was divine--what surety have we for our religion at all8 ,i strive against these sinful doubts1 but they will sometimes creep into my heart unbidden4 8,the ,apostle and the ,elders with him told ,captain ,willie that they wanted some fresh meat1 and the ,elders killed and gave them of our very best4 ,what could be denied to the ,servants of the ,lord8 ,we were then more than four hundred in number--aged men and feeble women1 with babes and poor little children too young to walk2 many of them infirm and sick1 all of them footsore and weary4 ,we were far away from home1 travelling slowly hundreds and hundreds of miles1 worn out1 and without sufficient provisions for the way1 or the remotest chance of obtaining any4 ,and yet1 oh ,god6 ,i shame to tell it2 these servants of ,heaven--our leaders1 our guides1 our example--these chosen vessels who came to us1 riding comfortably and at ease in their well-appointed carriages1 took of our poverty--took the very best we had6 8,as they left the camp1 ,i looked up into my husband's face1 and our eyes met4 ,we said not a word1 but in our hearts there was the same thought4 ,sister ,stenhouse1 there must have been that self-same thought in the mind of many another poor soul who watched those ,elders depart after they had lectured us on faith and patience and obedience6 8,they crossed the river pleasantly enough1 and pointed out the best fording-place1 and then they watched us wade through--the water there being nearly a mile in width1 and in some places two and even three feet in depth--and though many of the heavy-laden carts were drawn by women and girls they never so much as offered to lend us the aid of their handsome teams4 ,one sister told me that they watched the poor people crossing1 through glasses1 as if it were an entertainment2 but ,i did not see that1 and can hardly believe it was true4 ,all that they did1 however1 was to promise that when we reached ,laramie we should find provisions and bedding and other necessaries ready for us1 and that they would send help from ,salt ,lake ,valley to meet us40 ,,chapter ,,xv4 ,,mary ,,burton',s ,,story ,,continued3--,,terrible ,,ending ,,of ,,the ,,hand-,,cart ,,scheme4 8,it was early in ,september when we reached ,laramie1 but we found nothing awaiting us there4 ,we were all very much discouraged at this1 and ,captain ,willie called another meeting for consultation4 ,we knew of course1 beforehand1 that our position was very bad2 but figures1 when stated plainly1 become startling facts4 ,we now learned that if we continued at the same rate as that at which we had previously been travelling1 and received each the same allowance daily1 we should be left utterly destitute of provisions when we were yet three hundred and fifty miles from the end of our journey4 ,nothing remained but to reduce our allowance2 so1 instead of one pound1 we were rationed at three-quarters of a pound a day1 and at the same time were forced to make incredible exertions to travel faster4 8,not long after this1 ,captain ,willie received a message from the ,apostle ,richards4 ,it is the custom1 you know1 for people who want to send messages to emigrants who come after them to write a note on a scrap of paper1 and tie it to a stone or a piece of wood1 and leave it on the way4 ,no one disturbs it1 as no one but the emigrants travel along that road1 and they are sure to find it4 ,it was from a rough post-office like this that ,captain ,willie got his letter4 ,in it the ,apostle told him that we should receive supplies from ,salt ,lake when we reached the ,south ,pass2 but that we knew would be too late4 ,so our allowance was again reduced1 and after that we were rationed at an average of ten ounces for every person over ten years of age4 ,the men who drew the carts received twelve ounces1 the women and aged men nine ounces1 and the children from four to eight ounces according to age4 ,before this1 the men with families had done better than the single men1 as they had been able to save a little from the children's rations1 and of course they did not like this new arrangement so well4 8,picture to yourself these men--in the cool air of ,september1 drawing after them each one a loaded cart1 with one or more children most frequently superadded to its weight1 trudging wearily every day1 ten1 fifteen1 or twenty miles over the rough desert1 wading across streams with the women and children1 setting up tents at night1 working as they never worked before in all their lives1 and withal keeping soul and body together upon twelve ounces of flour a day4 ,this is but one side of the picture--the physical toil and endurance of the working men4 ,think what the feeble and aged1 the sick1 the women and children1 must have endured6 8,by this time many of those who had hitherto held out bravely began to fail1 and the people in general were greatly discouraged4 ,captain ,willie and the ,elders who assisted him did their best to keep up the spirits of the people1 and to get them over as much ground as they could each day4 ,the captains over the hundreds had also no little work to perform in distributing provisions1 helping the sick and infirm1 and1 in fact1 superintending everything4 8,for some time the nights had been getting colder and colder1 and by the time we arrived at the ,sweetwater river we suffered considerably from that cause2 we felt that winter was fast approaching4 ,in fact1 it came on earlier and more severely last year than at any time before since the ,saints settled in ,utah4 ,does it not seem strange that at the very time when they were offering up special prayers for us in ,zion1 that we might be defended from cold and storm1 the terrors of a more than ordinary winter overtook us and proved fatal to so many of our company8 ,the mountains were covered with snow2 and it was soon quite evident1 even to those who had prophesied most loudly that the ,lord would work a special miracle in our behalf1 that the storm-clouds of winter would soon burst upon us4 8,you have never seen the ,sweetwater river1 so ,i may as well tell you that it is a very irregular stream1 and we had to cross it again and again upon our way4 ,as usual we had to wade through the water each time1 and though the men helped over the women and children as well as they could1 many of us got very wet indeed1 and quite chilled1 and we were all cold and miserable4 ,still1 our faith never gave way--some1 ,i know1 began to doubt a little1 but they had not yet lost all faith1 and discouraged and wretched1 as indeed we were1 the greater number bore up with heroic resolution4 ,i noticed1 however1 on the faces of some poor souls--men and women--a peculiar expression which it is quite impossible for me to describe4 ,later on ,i was led to believe that at that time they1 perhaps unconsciously1 felt the presentiment of that fearful death which so soon overtook them4 8,we suffered much at night4 ,you may remember that ,i told you we were only allowed seventeen pounds of clothing and bedding1 and that1 of course1 was of little use4 ,sleeping in a tent1 under any circumstances1 is not generally pleasant to those who are accustomed to the shelter of a house2 but sleeping in a tent1 exposed to the keen night air of a wilderness1 and with scarcely a rag of covering1 was almost sufficient to prove fatal to the stoutest and strongest4 ,during the summer time1 although our fare was scanty and our labour incessant1 we rose each morning refreshed and strengthened1 and ready for the toils of the day4 ,but now we crept out of our tents cramped and miserable1 half-frozen1 and with our eyes red and tearful with the cold4 ,we seemed to have no life left in us4 8,these things soon began to tell upon the health of every one of us1 especially upon the aged and those who were sickly4 ,hope at last died out in their poor weary hearts4 ,one by one they fell off--utterly worn out4 ,poor things6 how they had longed to see the promised ,zion1 and now all expectation of peaceful rest on earth was over--the bitter end had come4 8,we dug graves for them by the wayside in the desert1 and there we laid them with many tears1 scarcely daring to look one another in the face1 for we felt that our own time might perhaps be nearer than we thought4 8,one by one at first they fell off1 but before long the deaths became so frequent that it was seldom that we left a camp-ground without burying one or more4 ,this was1 however1 only the beginning of evil4 8,soon it was no longer the aged and sickly who were taken off1 but the young and strong1 who under other circumstances would have set disease and death at defiance4 ,cold1 hunger1 and excessive toil brought on dysentery2 and when once attacked by that there was little hope for the sufferer1 for we had no medicine1 and it was quite out of our power to give them relief in any other way4 ,i now began to fear for my husband1 for ,i had noticed for some time an expression of extreme weariness in his face4 ,our trials had not hardened our hearts2 on the contrary1 ,i think1 as death seemed to be drawing near1 our affection for each other grew more pure and devoted1 and in my heart ,i often prayed1 that if it were ,his will1 ,god would let us die together and rest in the same grave4 ,we never spoke a word to each other on this subject1 but we felt the more4 ,i exerted all my strength1 and day after day toiled along at his side1 helping him all ,i could2 but although he never complained1 ,i saw in his eyes a dull and heavy look which1 more than any words1 told of failing strength and the approach of disease1 and my heart sank within me4 8,but my own troubles did not alone engross my attention2 there was too much wretchedness around us to allow any one to be absorbed entirely in his own griefs4 ,acts of devotion on the part of both parents and children came before me daily such as would have put to shame the stories of filial and parental piety which we used to be taught at school4 8,i saw one poor man1 whose health had evidently never been strong1 draw the cart with his two little ones in it1 as well as the baggage1 mile after mile1 until he could hardly drag his weary limbs a step further2 his wife carried a little five-months old baby in her bosom4 ,this they did day after day1 until disease attacked the husband1 and it was evident that he could bear up no longer4 ,the next morning ,i saw him1 pale as a corpse1 bowed down1 and shivering in every limb1 but still stumbling on as best he could4 ,before the day was half over1 the poor wife lagged behind with her babe1 and the husband did not seem to notice her4 ,this was not the result of heartlessness on his part2 ,i believe that even then he had lost all consciousness4 ,he did not know it1 but he was dying4 ,still he stumbled on1 until the short wintry day came to a close1 and we pitched our camp1 and then ,i missed him4 ,there was no time to inquire1 and a chill came over my heart as ,i thought of what might be his fate4 ,presently my husband came to the tent and told me all4 ,the poor man had dragged the cart up to the last moment1 and1 when the company halted for the night1 he had turned aside1 and sitting down he bowed his head between his knees and never spoke again4 ,later still1 the poor wife reached the camp1 and ,i saw her then4 ,there was no tear in her eyes1 and she uttered neither cry nor moan1 but there was upon her features a terrible expression of fixed despair which ,i dared not even look upon4 8,a few days after this1 one morning as we were almost ready to start1 ,i saw that poor mother in her tent1 just as they had found her4 ,she was cold and still--frozen to death--her sorrows were over at last1 and her poor weary spirit was at rest2 but on her bosom1 still clasped in her arms1 and still living1 was her little child1 unconscious of its mother's fate4 8,most of those who died1 as far as ,i could tell1 seemed to pass away quietly and with little pain1 as if every feeling of the heart were numbed and dead4 ,but my own sufferings and fears at that time were so great that ,i could not be a very close observer4 ,strange as it may seem1 the fear of death did not so much appear to terrify these poor victims as the thought that their bodies would be buried by the wayside in the desert1 instead of in the sacred ground of ,zion4 ,poor souls6 the absorbing passion of their life was strong in death4 8,as death thinned our ranks1 the labours of those who survived were increased1 until at last there were hardly enough left with strength sufficient to pitch our tents at night4 ,a great deal devolved upon the captain of our hundred1 ,elder ,chislett4 ,he is a very good man1 and a devoted ,saint2 and ,i am glad to say that both he and a lady to whom he was betrothed1 and who was also with our company1 escaped with their lives4 ,i have often seen him1 when we stopped for the night1 carrying the sick and feeble on his back from the waggon to the fire1 and then working harder than a slave would work in putting things straight for the night4 ,he showed a great many kindnesses to my husband and myself4 8,but individual efforts availed nothing against fatigue and hunger1 and the fearful cold4 ,to the minds of all of us1 the end was fast approaching4 ,nothing but our faith sustained us2 and foolish as many people would think that faith1 ,i am quite sure1 that but for it1 no living soul of all our company would have ever reached ,salt ,lake4 8,at last the storm came1 and the snow fell--,i think it must have been at least five or six inches deep within half an hour4 ,the wind was very keen and cutting1 and it drifted the snow right into our faces2 and thus blinded by the storm1 and scarcely able to stand1 we stumbled on that day for fully sixteen miles4 ,what we suffered it would be useless for me to attempt to describe4 ,some of the scenes we witnessed were heart-rending4 ,illustration3 ,,over ,,at ,,last4 ,to face p4 #acf4 8,there was a young girl1 with whom ,i was very well acquainted1 and whom ,i saw struggling in the snow1 clinging to one of the hand-carts1 and vainly trying to help in pushing it on1 but really doing just the contrary4 ,she is now in ,salt ,lake ,city1 a helpless cripple1 her limbs downwards having been frozen during that storm1 and subsequently amputated4 ,a poor old woman1 too1 whom ,i think you must have known in ,london1 lingered behind later in the day4 ,when night came on it was impossible for any one to go back to search for her1 but1 in the morning1 not very far from the camp1 some torn rags--the remains of her dress--were found1 a few bones1 a quantity of hair1 and at a little distance a female skull1 well gnawed1 and with the marks of the wolf-fangs still wet upon it2--the snow all round was crimsoned with blood4 8,we halted for a little while in the middle of that day1 and to our surprise and joy1 ,joseph ,a4 ,young and ,elder ,stephen ,taylor drove into the camp4 ,we found that when the returning missionaries1 of whom ,i have already told you1 left us by the ,platte river1 they made their way as speedily as they could to ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,joseph ,a41 who felt deeply for our sufferings1 although he had been away from home for two whole years1 hastened to his father1 and reported to him the condition in which we were4 ,brigham ,young was of course anxious to undo the mischief which had resulted from the people following his inspired counsel1 and at his son's earnest entreaty allowed him to return with provisions and clothing to meet us4 ,joseph ,a4 lost no time1 but pressed on to the rescue1 and having told us that assistance was on the way1 hastened eastward to meet the company that was following us4 8,i cannot tell you what a relief this intelligence was to the minds of all1 and how much the poor people felt encouraged by it4 ,but as for me1 at that time my heart was sad enough4 ,for some time my husband's strength had evidently been failing1 and for the last two days ,i had felt very serious apprehensions on his behalf4 ,he had been overtasked1 and like the rest of us he was starving with cold and hunger1 and ,i saw that he could not hold out much longer4 ,my worst fears were speedily realized4 ,we had not journeyed half a mile from the place where we rested at noon1 when1 blinded by the snow1 and completely broken down1 he dropped the rail of the cart1 and ,i saw that he could go no further4 ,how ,i felt1 you1 as a wife and mother1 only can guess4 ,in a moment my own weakness was forgotten2 my love for my husband made me strong again4 ,to leave him there or to delay would have been death to one if not all of us4 ,so ,i called to those who shared the cart with us1 and they helped me as well as they could to lift my husband up1 and put him under part of the bedding4 ,it was the only chance of saving his life2 for1 as ,i before mentioned1 some1 previous to this1 who had been overcome1 and had lingered by the way1 had been frozen to death or devoured by the wolves4 8,i then took hold of the cross-bar or handle of the cart1 and numbed with the cold1 and trembling in every limb1 it was as much as ,i could do to raise it from the ground4 ,to move the cart was impossible1 so ,i appealed to the old folks again1 and they exerted all their strength to push it from behind1 and our combined efforts at length succeeded2 but the chief weight fell upon me4 ,how gladly ,i bore it2 how gladly ,i would have borne anything for the mere chance of saving my dear husband's life1 your own heart can tell4 8,the snow drifted wildly around us1 and beat in our faces so blindingly that we could hardly proceed4 ,the greater part of the train had passed on while we delayed on account of my husband1 and now every one was making the most desperate efforts to keep up with the rest2 to be left behind was death4 ,had ,i been asked whether under any circumstances ,i could have dragged that heavy cart along in all that storm1 ,i should certainly have replied that it would be utterly impossible2 but until we are tried we do not know what we can bear4 ,it was not until the night came on1 and we pitched our tents1 that ,i realized what ,i had passed through4 8,they helped me to carry my husband to the tent1 and there we laid him1 and ,i tried to make him as easy as was possible under the circumstances1 but comfort or rest was altogether out of the question4 ,all that night ,i sat beside him1 sometimes watching1 sometimes falling into a fitful sleep4 ,i did not believe that he would live through the night4 ,in the morning he was by no means improved1 and then ,i felt too truly the abject misery of our position4 ,it is a painful thing to watch at the bedside of those we love when hope for their recovery is gone2 but think what it must be to sit upon the cold earth in the tent1 upon the open desert1 with the piercing wind of winter penetrating to the very bones1 and there before you1 the dear one--your life1 your all on earth--dying1 and you without a drop of medicine1 or even a morsel of the coarsest nourishment1 to give him4 ,oh1 the bitterness of my soul at that moment6 ,i tried to pray1 but my heart was full of cursing2 it seemed to me as if even ,god ,himself had forgotten us4 ,the fearful misery of that dark hour has left on my soul itself a record as ineffaceable as the imprint of a burning iron upon the flesh4 8,the morning broke at last1 dark and dreary1 and a thick heavy mantle of snow covered all the camp2 but we contrived to communicate with each other1 and soon it was whispered that five poor creatures had been found dead in the tents4 ,want1 and weariness1 and the bitter cold1 had done their work1 and we did not weep for them--they were at rest2 but for ourselves we wept that we were left behind--and we looked at one another1 wistfully1 wondering which of us would be taken next4 8,we buried those five poor frozen corpses in one grave1 wrapped in the clothing in which they died1 and then we comforted each other as best we might1 and left the dead who were now beyond our reach1 that we might do what we could for those who were fast following them to the grave4 ,a meeting of the leaders was held1 and it was resolved that we should remain where we were until the promised supplies reached us4 ,we could not1 in fact1 do otherwise1 for the snow was so deep that it was impossible for us to proceed1 and the sick and dying demanded immediate attention4 ,that morning1 for the first time1 no flour was distributed--there was none4 ,all that remained1 besides our miserable cattle1 was a small quantity of hard biscuit which ,captain ,willie bought at ,laramie1 and a few pounds of rice and dried apples4 ,nearly all the biscuit was at once divided among the whole company1 and the few pounds which remained1 together with the rice and apples1 were given to ,elder ,chislett for the use of the sick and the very little children4 ,they also killed two of the cattle and divided the beef4 ,most of the people got through their miserable allowance that very morning1 and then they had to fast4 8,captain ,willie set out that morning with another ,elder to meet the coming supplies and hasten them on1 and as we saw them disappear in the distant west we almost felt as if our last hope departed with them1 so many chances there were that we should never see them again4 8,the whole of that long1 long day ,i sat beside my husband in the tent--and ,i might almost say ,i did no more4 ,there was nothing that ,i could do4 ,the little bedding that was allowed for both of us ,i made up into a couch for him2 but what a wretched makeshift it was6 ,and ,i got from ,elder ,chislett a few of the dried apples which had been reserved for the sick2 but it was not until nightfall that my husband was capable of swallowing anything--and then1 what nourishment to give to a sick man6 ,the day was freezing cold1 and ,i had hardly anything on me1 and had eaten nothing since the day before2 for my mind was so agitated that ,i do not think the most delicate food would have tempted me4 ,god alone knows the bitterness of my heart as ,i sat there during all that weary day4 ,i never expected to see my husband open his eyes again1 and ,i thought that when evening came ,i would lie down beside him1 and we would take our last long sleep on earth together4 8,when night came on and all was dark ,i still sat there2 ,i dreaded to move lest ,i should learn the terrible truth--my husband dead6 ,i looked towards the place where ,i knew he was lying1 but ,i could see nothing4 ,i listened1 and ,i fancied that ,i heard a gentle breathing--but it was only fancy4 ,then1 louder than the incessant moaning of the wind1 ,i could hear in the distance a fearful cry--a cry which had often chilled our hearts at midnight on the plains--it was the wolves6 ,the darkness grew darker still--so thick that one could almost feel it2 the horror of death seemed stealing over all my senses4 ,oh that there might be one long eternal night to blot out for ever our miseries and our existence4 ,i threw my hands wildly above me1 and cried bitterly1 #8,oh ,god1 my ,god1 let me die6' 8,god was nearer to me than ,i thought4 ,as my hand dropped lifelessly to the ground it touched some moving thing--it was my husband's hand--the same hand which ,i had watched in the twilight1 stiffening1 as ,i thought1 in death4 ,the long1 thin fingers grasped my own1 and though they were very1 very cold1 ,i felt that life was in them2 and as ,i stooped down to kiss them ,i heard my husband's voice1 very weak and feeble1 saying in a whisper1 #8,mary4' ,i threw myself upon his bosom4 ,in a moment the fear of death--the longing for death--the wild and terrible thoughts1 all had gone2 the sound of that voice was life to me1 and forgetful of his weakness1 forgetful of everything but him1 ,i threw myself upon his bosom and wept tears of joy4 8,very carefully and gently ,i raised him up1 and1 in the darkness1 every whispered word conveyed more meaning to my mind than all his eloquence in by-gone times4 ,after some time ,i persuaded him to take a little nourishment--miserable stuff that it was--and presently he fell asleep again4 ,i laid his dear head upon the best pillow that ,i could make of some of my own clothes1 and then ,i slept a little myself--not much1 but it was more refreshing than any sleep that had visited my eyes for a long time past--hope had come again4 8,the next morning my husband was evidently better1 and ,i knelt down beside him and thanked ,god for the miracle that ,he had wrought2 for was it not a miracle thus to raise my dead to life again8 ,how many stronger1 stouter men than he had ,i seen fall sick and die2 but to me ,god had shown mercy in my utmost need4 8,we waited three long days for the return of ,captain ,willie4 ,my heart was so full of thankfulness that my husband had been spared that ,i certainly did not feel so acutely the misery with which ,i was surrounded as ,i otherwise should have done2 ,i was like the prisoner who feels happy in a reprieve from death1 but whose situation is nevertheless such as would appear to any other person the most wretched in which he could be placed4 ,the misery that was suffered in that camp was beyond the power of words to describe4 ,on the second day they gave us some more beef-rations1 but they did us little good4 ,the beef was1 of course1 of the poorest1 and1 eaten alone1 it did not seem to satisfy hunger1 and those who were prostrated by dysentery1 although they ate it ravenously1 suffered much in consequence afterwards4 8,the number of the sick rapidly increased1 and not a few died from exhaustion2 and really those seemed happiest who were thus taken from the horrors which surrounded them4 ,had it not been for the intense frost1 we should all probably have fallen victims to the intolerable atmosphere of the camp4 ,i would not even allow my mind to recall some of the scenes which ,i witnessed at that time3 scenes1 the disgusting and filthy horrors of which no decent words could describe4 ,when you consider the frightful condition in which we were1 the hunger and cold which we endured1 you may perhaps be able in a small degree to conjecture--as far as a person can conjecture who has not himself suffered such things--what we then passed through4 ,i saw poor miserable creatures1 utterly worn out1 dying in the arms of other forlorn and hopeless creatures as wretched as themselves2 ,i saw strong and honest1 honourable men1 or who had once been such1 begging of the captain for the miserable scraps which had been saved for the sick and the helpless children2 ,i saw poor heart-broken mothers freezing to death1 but clasping as they died1 in an agony of loving woe1 the torn and wretched remnants of clothing which they still retained1 around the emaciated forms of their innocent babes--the mother-instinct strong in death2 and sometimes at night when1 all unbidden1 ,i see again in dreams the awful sufferings of those poor ,god-forsaken wretches1 ,i start in horror and pray the ,almighty rather to blot out from my mind the memory of all the past1 than to let me ever recollect1 if but in fancy1 that fearful time4 8,the third day came1 and still no relief4 ,there are mysterious powers of endurance in human nature1 weak as we often deem it1 but there is a point beyond which the bow1 however flexible1 will not bend4 ,it was evident that if no help arrived speedily1 the end was not far off4 8,the sun was sinking behind the distant western hills1 in all the glory of the clear frosty atmosphere of the desert1 and many who gazed upon its beauty did so with a mournful interest1 believing that they would never again behold the light of day4 ,but at that moment some who were anxiously watching with a last hope--watching for what they hardly dared expect to see--raised a shout of joy4 ,we knew what it was6 ,men1 women1 and children rushed from their tents to welcome the approaching waggons and our friends in time of need4 ,captain ,willie and the other ,elder had found the rescue from ,salt ,lake overtaken by the storm just as we were1 but he had told them of our terrible situation1 and they had hastened on without a moment's delay4 ,it was he and they1 convoying good supplies1 who now approached us4 ,the poor creatures shouted wildly for joy2 even the strong men shed tears2 and the sisters1 overcome with the sudden change from death to life1 flung themselves into the arms of the brethren as they came into the camp and covered them with kisses4 ,such happiness you never saw--every one shaking hands and speaking joyfully--every one saying #8,god bless you' with a meaning such as is seldom attached to those words4 8,the supplies were to us more than food and clothing--they were life itself4 ,elder ,john ,chislett was appointed to distribute the provisions and clothing1 and everything was placed in his hands4 ,he gave out to us all that was immediately necessary1 but strongly cautioned us to be very moderate in what we ate1 as it was dangerous to go from the extreme of fasting to a full meal4 ,after supper the clothing and bedding was fairly divided1 and we felt more thankful for those little comforts than a person1 who had never endured as we had1 would have felt had he become suddenly the recipient of boundless luxury4 8,two of the ,elders who had held forth such delusive hopes to the company1 not long before1 as ,i have already told you1 were with the brethren who came to our relief4 ,i have never ventured to ask how it was that they could hold out to us in ,god's name such promises1 when they must have known after a moment's reflection1 that they were utterly baseless2 but ,i think that probably they left their comfortable homes in ,salt ,lake ,city and came across the stormy desert with supplies to meet us1 only to show practically how anxious they were to atone for having led us astray4 ,next morning ,elder ,grant went on east to meet the company following us1 but ,elder ,w4 ,h4 ,kimball took command of our company for the rest of the way4 8,we could now journey but very slowly1 for the road was bad2 the sick and weakly were1 however1 able to ride1 and altogether we suffered less4 ,to some this change for the better arrived too late--the mental and physical sufferings which they had endured were too much for them4 ,poor souls6 they alone and their ,father in heaven knew what they had passed through4 ,they seemed to have lost all consciousness1 as if their faculties had been numbed and stultified4 ,we talked to them of the past1 but they looked at us with unmeaning eyes1 as if we spoke of something in which they had no interest2 we tried to lead their thoughts to ,zion1 and the promises of the ,lord2 but it was all in vain4 ,they turned from us with a look of terrible apathy2 and one or two1 who partly seemed to understand1 only replied with an indifference painful to witness--#8,too late1 too late6' 8,as we journeyed1 the weather every day grew colder4 ,many of the unfortunate people lost their fingers and toes1 others their ears2 one poor woman lost her sight1 and ,i was told of a poor sick man who held on to the waggon-bars to save himself from jolting1 and had all his fingers frozen off4 ,few1 if any1 of the people recovered from the effects of that frost4 ,one morning they found a poor old man who had vainly tried the evening before to keep up with the rest4 ,his corpse was not far from the camp1 but it had been sadly mangled by the wolves4 ,then there came another snow-storm1 only worse in proportion as the weather was colder1 and it was with the utmost difficulty that we could be kept from freezing4 ,we wrapped blankets and anything else we could get around us1 but the cold wind penetrated to our very bones4 ,i was told that some of the people1 even women and children1 who lagged behind1 were whipped so as to make them keep up1 and to keep life in them4 ,i did not see this myself2 but ,i believe1 if the story was true1 it was an act of mercy and not of cruelty1 for to delay a moment was fatal4 ,the captain of our hundred more than once stayed behind the company to bury some unfortunate person who died on the road3 how he ever got up with us again ,i cannot tell1 but he seemed to be as indefatigable in his labours as he was wonderfully preserved4 8,sometimes the carts came to a dead stand-still1 and several had to be fastened together and drawn by a united effort1 and in more than one instance the poor people gave up altogether2--they were carried on1 while they lived1 as well as we could2 but their carts were abandoned4 ,the stragglers came in slowly to camp the night of the storm--the people from the ,valley even went back to fetch some in--and it was nearly six o'clock in the morning before the last arrived4 8,the next day we remained in camp1 for there were so many sick and dying that we could not proceed4 ,early in the morning ,elder ,chislett and three other ,elders went round to see who was dead1 that they might be buried4 ,they found in the tents fifteen corpses--all stiff and frozen4 ,two more died during the day4 ,a large square hole was dug1 and they were buried in it three abreast1 and then they were covered with leaves and earth1 every precaution being taken to keep them from the wolves4 ,few of the relatives of those who were dead came to the burial--they did not seem to care--death had become familiar to them1 and personal misery precluded sorrow for the dead4 8,as we drew nearer to ,salt ,lake ,valley we met more of the brethren coming to our assistance4 ,they supplied us with all we needed1 and then hastened on to meet those who followed us4 ,the atmosphere seemed to become sensibly warmer1 and our sufferings were proportionately less as we approached ,zion4 8,what the feelings of others might have been when they first saw the goal of our hopes--,zion of our prayers and songs--,i cannot tell4 ,weary1 oh so weary ,i felt1 but thankful1 more than thankful1 that my husband's life had been spared4 ,he was pale and sick1 but he was with us still4 8,i have written too much already1 ,sister ,stenhouse4 ,i cannot tell you more now1 but ,i may as well add that when we left ,iowa ,city we were about five hundred in all4 ,some left us on the way4 ,when we left ,florence1 and began the journey across the ,plains1 we were over four hundred and twenty1 of which number we buried sixty-seven--a sixth of the whole4 ,the company which followed us1 and to which ,i have frequently alluded1 fared worse than we4 ,they numbered six hundred when they started1 but they buried one hundred and fifty on the journey--one in every four4 ,may ,god grant that ,i may never again see such a sight as was presented by the miserable remnant of that last company as they came on slowly through the ,caon towards ,salt ,lake ,valley40 ,,chapter ,,xvi4 ,,we ,,forsake ,,all1 ,,and ,,set ,,out ,,for ,,zion3--,,our ,,journey ,,across ,,the ,,plains4 ,,it was with strange feelings of doubt and unrest that ,i read that painful story2 but ,i folded up ,mary ,burton's letter and stored it carefully away in my desk1 and then ,i began to think4 ,certainly ,i was still a ,mormon--at least ,i was nothing else--but ,i was not now so firmly grounded in my faith as once ,i was1 and these terrible stories completely unsettled my mind4 ,then1 too1 ,i was well aware that1 before long1 my husband and myself would be called upon to cross the ,plains to ,zion1 and ,i felt that if our experience were anything like that of ,mary ,burton1 ,i and my children would never reach ,salt ,lake4 ,the prospect was not very cheering4 ,one morning we were surprised to receive a visit from the ,apostle ,george ,q4 ,cannon1 who had come to take the place of ,mr4 ,stenhouse as ,president of the ,mission in the ,eastern ,states1 and we were now to prepare to travel with the next company of emigrants4 ,to me this was most unpleasant intelligence4 ,polygamy--the knowledge that before long ,i should be brought personally within its degrading influence--had now for years been the curse of my life1 and ,i had welcomed every reprieve from immediate contact with it in ,utah4 ,but the time had come at last when ,i was to realize my worst apprehensions1 and ,i think at that time1 had ,i been permitted to choose1 ,i would have preferred to die rather than journey to ,zion4 ,besides this1 ever since my husband had been engaged with the secular papers1 we had been getting along very comfortably4 ,we had now a pleasant home and many comforts and little luxuries which we had not enjoyed since we left ,switzerland1 and ,i was beginning to hope that we should be allowed to remain in ,new ,york for a few years at least4 ,we had also by this time six children--the youngest only a few days old--and ,i leave it to any mother to determine whether ,i had not good cause for vexation when ,i was told that we were expected to leave ,new ,york within two weeks1 with the emigrants who were then en route from ,england4 ,my husband also was to take charge of the company1 and therefore everything would depend upon me--all the preparations for our long and perilous journey1 the disposal of our furniture1 and1 in fact1 the thousand and one little necessary duties which must attend the packing up and departure of a family4 ,in the course of a few days the emigrants arrived1 and then my husband was compelled to devote all his time to them4 ,when ,i told the ,elders that it was almost impossible for me1 in the delicate state of health in which ,i was1 and with a babe only two weeks old1 to undertake such a journey1 they told me that ,i had no faith in the power of ,god1 and that if ,i would arise and begin my preparations1 the ,lord would give me strength according to my day4 ,thinking that probably my husband believed as they did1 ,i made the effort1 but it cost me much4 ,in the ,mormon ,church the feelings or sufferings of women are seldom considered4 ,if an order is given to any man to take a journey or perform any given task1 his wife or wives are not to be thought of4 ,they are his property just as much as his horses1 mules1 or oxen2 and if one wife should die1 it is of little consequence if he has others1 and if he has not he can easily get them2 and if he is not young or fascinating enough to win his way with the young ladies1 he has only to keep on good terms with ,brigham ,young1 or even with his bishop1 and every difficulty will be smoothed away1 and they will be 8counselled0 to marry him4 ,it is never expected1 nor would it be tolerated in any ,mormon woman1 that she should exercise her own judgment in opposition to her husband1 no matter how much she might feel that he was in the wrong3 ,i have frequently seen intelligent women subjected to the grossest tyranny on the part of ignorant and fanatical husbands who were influenced by the absurd teachings of the ,tabernacle4 ,one of the greatest ,mormon writers1 ,orson ,pratt1 has said1-- 8,the wife should never follow her own judgment in preference to that of her husband2 for if her husband desires to do right1 but errs in judgment1 the ,lord will bless her in endeavouring to carry out his counsels2 for ,god has placed him at the head1 and though he may err in judgment1 yet ,god will not justify the wife in disregarding his instructions and counsels2 far greater is the sin of rebellion1 than the errors which arise from the want of judgment2 therefore she would be condemned for suffering her will to rise against his4 ,be obedient1 and ,god will cause all things to work for good40 ,the trouble and annoyance occasioned by leaving a comfortable position in ,new ,york to travel to such an unknown region as ,utah was then1 was not a trifle2 but we hastened our preparations1 sacrificing all that we possessed in the most reckless manner1 and in due time set out4 ,when we reached ,florence--the starting-point on the ,frontiers--we were detained on account of some mismanagement on the part of the ,church ,agents1 and remained for three weeks in camp4 ,ours was what was called 8an independent company20 by which ,i mean that we were able to defray our own expenses without borrowing from the ,church3 the poorer emigrants were assisted from a fund provided for that purpose--the ,perpetual ,emigration ,fund4 ,our company was in an infinitely better position than that of those emigrants of whose sad fate my friend ,mary ,burton had told me2 for our journey was made at the proper season1 and1 as far as was possible under the circumstances1 convenience and comfort had been attended to4 ,the incidents which befell us were few1 and although1 of course1 every one of us felt weary and worn out1 we were not called upon to pass through the miseries and sufferings endured by the hand-cart emigrants4 ,looking back to our primitive mode of travelling1 it appears to me almost as if ,i must be making some mistake about my own age1 and that it must have been several centuries1 instead of a few years ago1 since we crossed the ,plains4 ,the ox-team and waggon1 the walk on foot in the day and the camp-life at night1 have been pleasantly exchanged for the swift travel of a few days in a ,pullman palace-car4 ,what living contradictions we were as we crossed the ,plains--singing in a circle1 night and morning1 the songs of ,zion and listening to prayers and thanksgivings for having been permitted to gather out of ,babylon2 and then during the day as we trudged along in twos and threes expressing to each other all our misgivings1 and doubts1 and fears1 and the bitterness our thoughts against ,polygamy2 while each wife1 confiding in her husband's honour and faithfulness1 solaced herself with the hope that all might yet be well4 ,how little sometimes do the songs of gladness reflect the real sentiments of the heart4 ,how often have ,i heard many a poor heart-broken woman singing the chorus1-- 8,i never knew what joy was ,till ,i became a ,mormon40 ,i never could sing that song1 for my experience had been exactly the reverse4 ,it was the month of ,september--the beginning of our beautiful ,indian summer--when we emerged from the caon1 and caught sight of ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,everything looked green and lovely1 and in spite of all my sad forebodings while crossing the ,plains1 ,i involuntarily exclaimed1 8,ah1 what a glorious spot60 ,it looked like a beautiful garden--another ,eden--in the midst of a desert valley4 ,we had a glimpse of the ,great ,salt ,lake far away in the distance1 stretching out like a placid sheet of molten silver1 while everywhere around were the lonely-looking snow-clapped mountains1 encircling us like mighty prison-walls4 ,it would be impossible for me to describe my feelings at that time4 ,even while ,i was enchanted with the glorious prospect before me1 there arose again in my mind that haunting spectre of my existence--,polygamy4 ,i believed that this little earthly paradise would probably be to me1 and my daughters after me1 a prison-house1 and with a mother's instinct ,i shuddered as ,i thought of what they might be destined to suffer there4 ,lovely as the scene was1 there was a fatal shadow overhanging it all4 ,then1 too1 there was no escape3 if the sad forebodings of my heart were realized1 it would be utterly impossible for us ever to get away4 ,the idea of a railway being constructed across those desert plains and rocky mountains never for a moment entered my mind1 and even had ,i thought it possible1 ,i should have supposed that it would take a lifetime to complete4 ,no1 there was no help for me1 even if it came to the worst4 ,i felt that my doom was sealed2 and there were many women in our company who thought just the same as ,i did1 and who were troubled at heart with fears as sad as mine4 ,my first impressions of ,salt ,lake ,city when we began life there were anything but pleasant--we had to 8rough it40 ,for nearly two weeks we were obliged to remain in our waggons1 as it was quite impossible to obtain house-room4 ,at that time each family built their own little hut1 and there were no vacant houses to let4 ,illustration3 ,,view ,,of ,,main ,,street1 ,,salt ,,lake ,,city4 7,from a ,photograph47 ,to face p4 #adh4 ,the weather was now growing very cold and wintry1 and it was absolutely necessary that we should have some better shelter than the waggons afforded4 ,one day my husband told me1 when he came home1 that he had been offered a house which belonged to the ,church4 ,it was in a very dilapidated condition1 he said1 but that if ,i would go and look at it with him1 we could then decide about taking it4 ,no time was to be lost1 for companies of emigrants were coming in almost daily1 and if we neglected this chance we might not find another4 ,when we arrived at the house ,i was much discouraged at seeing the condition it was in3 the window-panes were all cracked or broken out1 the floors and walls looked as if they had never known soap or paint1 and the upper rooms had no ceilings2 in fact it was not fit for any civilized ,christian to live in4 ,in point of size there was nothing to complain of1 but of comfort or convenience there was none--the wind whistled through every door and every cracked window2 and altogether it presented anything but a cheering prospect for winter4 ,my husband told me that ,daniel ,h4 ,wells1 who was superintendent of ,church property and also one of the ,first ,presidency of the ,church1 had promised him that if we took the house it should be repaired and made fit for living in before winter fully set in2 and under the circumstances we thought we could do no better than accept his offer4 ,thus we began housekeeping in ,utah1 and we unpacked our trunks and tried to give the place as home-like an appearance as we possibly could4 ,i had known what it was to be in a strange country and destitute2 and1 therefore1 benefiting by experience1 when ,i left ,new ,york1 regardless of the teachings of the ,elders and of my own husband's directions to the contrary1 ,i had secretly stowed away many little necessaries towards housekeeping4 ,indeed had ,i not done so1 we should have been as badly off when we reached ,zion as when we arrived in ,new ,york4 ,besides which1 ,i have no doubt that our waggons would have been filled with the trunks of those very brethren who counselled us not to take more than was absolutely necessary4 ,the brethren who gave this counsel were1 ,i noticed1 constantly purchasing while they advised every one else to sell1 and ,i thought it wiser to follow their example than their precepts4 ,among my treasures was some carpet1 and when that was laid down and the stove put up we began to feel almost at home4 ,the wind1 however1 soon drove away all thoughts of comfort1 for it came whistling in through a thousand undetected crevices1 and the tallow candles which we were obliged to burn presented a woeful spectacle4 ,even the most wealthy1 then1 had no other light but candles1 and every family had to make their own3 ,i have often seen people burning a little melted grease with a bit of cotton-rag stuck in the middle for a wick--how pleasant the smell1 and how brilliant the light thus produced can be imagined4 ,everything was upon the same scale--and to keep house in any fashion was really a formidable undertaking1 especially to those who had been accustomed to the conveniences of large towns4 ,i believe that many women consented to their husbands taking other wives for the sake of getting some assistance in their home duties4 ,we spent nearly all the first evening in our new house in trying to discover some means of keeping out the storm1 but to little purpose4 ,nearly a fortnight passed before any one came to see about repairing the house1 but as it belonged to the ,church my husband seemed to think it must be all right4 ,the ,mormon men are always very lenient towards 8the ,church0--very much more so than the ,mormon women1 for the latter have somehow got mixed up in their minds the idea that ,brigham ,young and 8the ,church0 are synonymous terms4 ,i remember one day a good young sister--a daughter of one of the twelve ,apostles--saying to me1 8,i have just seen the ,church10 and when ,i asked her what she meant1 she said1 8,i have just met ,brigham ,young and ,hyram ,clawson1 and are they not the ,church80 ,it was evident to me that others besides myself sometimes gave way to wicked thoughts4 ,nevertheless ,i was still of opinion that 8the ,church0 had plenty of money and ought to have repaired the house4 ,one day a man whom ,i had never seen before1 called upon me and asked what repairs ,i should like done4 ,i was not feeling very well1 and had been annoyed at the delay1 and ,i answered rather ungraciously that ,i should like anything done1 if it were only done at once1 for ,i thought we had waited long enough4 ,he answered me very politely1 and said that he would see to it immediately4 ,when ,mr4 ,stenhouse returned home in the evening1 he said1 8,so you have had a visit from ,president ,wells40 8,no10 ,i said1 8there has been no one here but a carpenter--an ugly man with a cast in his eye1 and ,i told him that ,i wanted the house fixed right away40 8,why1 that was ,president ,wells10 he said1 very much shocked1 and ,i think ,i felt as bad as he did when ,i realized that ,i had treated one of the 8,first ,presidency0 so unceremoniously4 ,this ,daniel ,h4 ,wells1 besides being an ,apostle1 a ,counsellor of ,brigham ,young1 and one of the three 8,presidents0 who share with ,brigham the first position in the ,church1 and are associated with him in all his official acts1 was ,lieutenant-,general of the ,nauvoo ,legion1 and at the present time and for some years past ,mayor of ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,it was a shocking indiscretion1 to say the least1 to speak slightingly of such a high and mighty personage4 ,the repairs1 however1 were seen to1 and the house rendered a little more habitable4 ,we had now to begin the struggle of life afresh1 and could not afford to be too particular about trifles2--to obtain shelter was something--for the rest we must still continue to hope and trust4 ,,chapter ,,xvii4 ,,my ,,first ,,impressions ,,of ,,the ,,city ,,of ,,the ,,saints4 ,when ,i arrived in ,salt ,lake ,city1 a great many improvements had been effected2 and expecting1 as ,i did that this would be our future home for many years1 perhaps for life1 ,i was interested in everything that ,i saw4 ,the first ,sunday ,i went to the ,tabernacle ,i was greatly amused at the way in which some of the sisters were dressed4 ,quite a number wore sun-bonnets1 but the majority wore curious and diverse specimens of the milliner's art--relics of former days4 ,some wore a little tuft of gauze and feathers on the top of the head1 while others had helmets of extraordinary size4 ,there were little bonnets1 half-grown bonnets1 and 8grandmother bonnets0 with steeple crowns and fronts so large that it was difficult to get a peep at the faces which they concealed4 ,as for the dresses1 they were as diversified as the bonnets4 ,some of them presented a rather curious spectacle4 ,i noticed two young women who sat near me3 they were dressed alike in green calico sun-bonnets1 green calico skirts1 and pink calico sacks4 ,on inquiring who they were1 ,i was told that they were the wives of one man1 and had both been married to him on the same day1 so that neither could claim precedence of the other4 ,outside of ,utah such a thing would seem impossible2 but so many of the young girls at that time came out to ,zion without father or mother or any one else to guide them2 and left to their own inexperience and afraid to disobey 8counsel10 it is no wonder that they soon yielded to the universal custom4 ,the two young women whom ,i have mentioned did not appear to me to be overburdened with intelligence2 they looked like girls who could be made to believe anything2 but after that ,i met with two well-educated women who1 like these foolish girls1 thoughtlessly tried the experiment of two or more marrying the same man on the same day1 agreeing with their 8lord0 that that would be the best way to preserve peace in their household4 ,but they were terribly mistaken2 and even before the marriage-day was over1 the poor bewildered husband had to fly to ,brother ,brigham for counsel4 ,the ,tabernacle services seemed to me as strange as the women4 ,there was no regular order in conducting the proceedings1 but the prominent brethren made prayers or 8sermons0 as they were called upon to do so4 ,the 8sermons0 would be more properly called speeches2 they are nothing but a rambling1 disconnected glorification of the ,saints1 interspersed with fearful denunciations of the ,gentiles1 and not unfrequently a good sprinkling of words and expressions such as are never used in decent society4 ,more unedifying discourses could hardly be imagined4 ,as for the spirituality and devotional feeling which characterized our meetings in ,england1 they were only conspicuous by their absence1 and many devout ,saints have told me that when they first went there1 before the erection of the great organ1 the free-and-easy manners of the speakers and the brass band which was stationed in front of the platform1 made them feel as if they had come to witness a puppet-show rather than to attend a religious meeting4 ,there was one lady at the ,tabernacle service whom ,i regarded with considerable interest4 ,this was no other than ,eliza ,r4 ,snow1 one of the ,prophet's wives4 ,i was told that she was the first woman married in ,polygamy after ,joseph ,smith received the ,revelation1 and ,i believed it was so4 ,people who lived in ,nauvoo1 respectable people1 and not one or two either1 have assured me that for four years before ,joseph is said to have received the ,revelation1 he was practising ,polygamy1 or something worse1 and that the ,revelation was given to justify what was already done4 ,however this might be1 it is generally understood that ,miss ,eliza ,snow was the first plural wife of the ,prophet4 ,her principal occupation at the present time is converting rebellious wives to obedience to their husbands1 and convincing young girls that it is their duty to enter into ,polygamy4 ,unhappy husbands derive great consolation from her counsels4 ,in matters of religion she is a perfect fanatic1 and in connexion with the ,female ,relief ,society she reigns supreme2 but otherwise there are many excellent traits in her character1 and ,i could tell of many acts of loving-kindness and self-denial which she has performed1 and which will surely have their reward4 ,as the chief poet of the ,mormon ,church1 and as the ,representative of ,eve in the mysteries of the ,endowment ,house1 she enjoys a reputation such as would be impossible to any other woman among the ,saints4 ,another of the late ,joseph's wives is a ,mrs4 ,doctor ,jacobs1 who was actually married to the ,prophet while she was still living with her original husband1 ,jacobs4 ,under the same circumstances she married ,brigham ,young1 after ,joseph's death4 ,for some time her husband knew nothing of the whole affair1 but ,brigham very soon gave him to understand that his company was not wanted4 ,the sister of ,mrs4 ,jacobs--a ,mrs4 ,buel--was another of ,joseph's wives1 and she married the ,apostle ,heber ,c4 ,kimball1 but does not appear to have made a very good bargain4 ,besides these there is another lady1 a ,mrs4 ,shearer--or1 as she is familiarly called--8,aunty ,shearer40 ,she is in every respect a unique specimen of womanhood1 tall and angular1 with cold yet eager grey eyes2 a woman of great volubility1 and altogether grim-looking and strong-minded4 ,she was an early disciple1 and is said to have sacrificed everything for ,mormonism4 ,she lived in ,joseph ,smith's family1 and1 of course1 saw and heard a great deal about ,polygamy1 and at first it was a great stumbling-block to her4 ,she was1 however1 instructed by the immaculate ,joseph1 and so far managed to overcome her feelings as to be married to him for eternity4 ,like the others1 she is called 8,mrs410 and ,i suppose there is a ,mr4 ,shearer somewhere1 but upon that point she is very reticent4 ,her little lonely hut is fitted with innumerable curiosities and little knick-knacks1 which some people are for ever hoarding away in the belief that they will come into use some day4 ,she is a woman that one could not easily forget4 ,she wears a muslin cap with a very wide border flapping in the wind under a comical-looking hood1 and is easily recognized by her old yellow marten-fur cape and enormous muff3 her dress1 which is of her own spinning and weaving1 is but just wide enough1 and its length could never inconvenience her4 ,add to these personal ornaments a stout pair of brogues1 and you will see before you 8,aunty ,shearer10 one of the ,prophet's spiritual wives4 ,i may as well explain what is meant by 8spiritual0 wives and 8proxy0 wives4 ,marriages contracted by the ,gentiles1 or by ,mormons in accordance with ,gentile institutions1 are not considered binding by the ,saints4 ,that was partly the cause of my indignation and the indignation of many another wife and mother4 ,we were told that we had never been married at all1 and that our husbands and our children were not lawfully ours3 surely that was enough to excite the indignation of any wife1 whatever her faith might be4 ,for a marriage to be valid it must be solemnized in the ,endowment ,house in ,salt ,lake ,city1 or the persons contracting it can never expect to be husband and wife in eternity4 ,should the husband die before he reaches ,zion1 and if the wife loves him sufficiently well to wish to be his in eternity--when she arrives in ,salt ,lake ,city1 if she receives an offer of marriage from one of the brethren1 and does not object to him as a second husband in this world1 she will make an agreement with him that she will be his wife1 for time1 but that in eternity she and all her children shall be handed over to the first husband4 ,a woman thus married is called a 8proxy0 wife4 ,now 8spiritual0 wives are of two classes4 ,the one consists of old ladies who have plenty of money or property which of course needs looking after2 and generous ,elders marry them1 and accordingly 8look after0 the said property1 and the owner of it becomes the ,elder's spiritual wife4 ,she will only be his real wife in eternity when she is rejuvenated4 ,the other kind of 8spiritual0 wife is one who is married already1 but who does not think that her husband can 8exalt0 her to so high a position in the celestial world as she deserves--perhaps some kind brother who takes a great interest in her welfare has told her so--she then is secretly 8sealed0 to one of the brethren who is better able to exalt her--perhaps to this same brother2 and in the resurrection she will pass from him who was her husband on earth to him who is to be her husband in heaven--if she has not done so before4 ,this is what is meant by 8proxy0 and 8spiritual0 wives4 ,i think it will be evident even to the dullest comprehension that under such a system1 8the world1 the flesh1 and the devil0 are far more likely to play a prominent part than anything heavenly or spiritual4 ,all this is so repugnant to the instincts and feelings of a true woman1 that ,i feel quite ashamed to write about it4 ,and yet the working out of this system has produced results which would be perfectly grotesque were it not that they outrage every ordinary sense of propriety4 ,let me give an example4 ,one of the wives of ,brigham ,young--,mrs4 ,augustus ,cobb ,young--a highly educated and intelligent ,boston lady with whom ,i am intimately acquainted1 requested of her ,prophet husband a favour of a most extraordinary description4 ,she had forsaken her lawful husband and family and a happy and luxurious home to join the ,saints1 under the impression that ,brigham ,young would make her his queen in heaven4 ,she was a handsome woman--a woman of many gifts and graces--and ,brigham thoroughly appreciated her2 but she made a slight miscalculation in respect to the ,prophet4 ,he cares little enough for his first wife1 poor lady1 and few people who know him doubt for a moment that he would un-queen her and cut her adrift for time and eternity too1 if his avaricious soul saw the slightest prospect of gain by doing so2 he did not care for her1 but he never would allow himself to be dictated to by any woman4 ,so when the lady of whom ,i speak asked him to place her at the head of his household1 he refused3 she begged hard1 but he would not relent4 ,then finding that she could not be ,brigham's 8queen10 and having been taught by the highest ,mormon authorities that our ,saviour had1 and has1 many wives1 she requested to be 8sealed to ,him60 ,brigham ,young told her 7for what reason ,i do not know7 that it really was out of his power to do that1 but that he would do 8the next best thing0 for her--he would 8seal0 her to ,joseph ,smith4 ,she was sealed to ,joseph ,smith1 and though ,brigham still supports her1 and she is called by his name on earth1 in the resurrection she will leave him and go over to the original ,prophet4 ,the reader will be certainly shocked at this terrible burlesque of sacred things1 but ,i felt it my duty to state the truth and place facts in their right light4 ,it is not generally known that the ,mormons are taught that the marriage at ,cana of ,galilee was ,christ's own nuptial feast1 that ,mary and ,martha were his plural wives1 and that those women who in various parts of the ,new ,testament are spoken of as ministering to him stood to him in the same relation4 ,malicious first wives1 especially if they are rather elderly themselves1 frequently call the proxy wives 8fixins20 and the tone in which some of them utter the word is in the last degree contemptuous4 ,these poor 8fixins0 are seldom treated as real wives by the husband himself4 ,he may think sufficiently well of the 8proxy0 wife to make her his for time and to raise up children to his friend1 as the ,elders say1 but he never forgets that in eternity she will be handed over to the man for whom he has stood proxy1 and he expects that she also will bear that in mind1 and do all she can for her own support1 and never complain of his want of attention to her4 ,some men1 after having married a young proxy wife1 have become so enamoured that they grew jealous of the dead husband1 and have tried to get the wife to break faith with him1 and be married to them for eternity as well as time4 ,this was certainly rather mean4 ,very few ,gentile husbands would fret themselves about possibilities in the world to come1 if in this world they had the certainty of enjoying the undivided affections of their wives4 ,mormon husbands are so influenced by their religion that they neither act nor think like other men4 ,i am thinking of one wretched family that ,i knew soon after ,i went to ,utah4 ,there was a man and his wife and four children1 all living together in a miserable1 poverty-stricken hut4 ,i had heard that the man was paying attentions to a young girl with a view of making her his second wife1 and ,i frequently watched the first wife as she went in and out1 doing her 8chores10 and wondered how she felt about it4 ,the poverty of the man1 of course1 was of no consequence2 living in the primitive style in which necessity then compelled the ,saints to live1 one1 or even half-a-dozen extra wives made very little difference1 and ,brigham and the leading ,elders have always represented it as a meritorious act1 for the young especially1 to 8build up the kingdom10 without regard to consequences1 or the misery of bringing up a family in a destitute condition4 ,i never can see children without loving them1 and in this case it was not long before ,i contrived to make acquaintance with the little ones4 ,one day1 while ,i was talking to them1 the mother came out4 ,she seemed pleased to see me1 for she had heard of me that ,i was not too strong in the faith1 and she told me that her husband had said1 in speaking of such women as myself1 who did not like the celestial order of marriage1 that their husbands ought to force them right into it1 and that would show what they were made of3 if they were true-hearted women1 seeking their husband's glory and 8exaltation0 in the world to come1 they would bear it well enough2 and if not1 the sooner it killed them the better2 for if they were dead their husbands could save them in the resurrection1 but if they lived they would only be an incumbrance4 ,this1 ,i found1 was the general opinion among the ,mormon men4 ,even in ,england the ,american ,elders had taught us that the man was the head and 8saviour0 of the woman1 and that the woman was only responsible to her husband4 ,it was necessary1 we were told1 that the woman should keep in favour with her lord1 otherwise he might withdraw his protection and refuse to take her into the celestial kingdom2 in which case when she got to heaven she would only be an angel6 ,to be an angel is not considered by the ,saints to be by any means the highest state of glory4 ,those who do not obey the 8,celestial ,order of ,marriage0 will1 like the angels1 neither marry nor be given in marriage2 they will be located1 the men in one place1 and the women in another1 and will serve as slaves1 lackeys1 and boot-blacks to the ,saints4 ,brigham ,young once publicly said of a certain ,president of the ,united ,states1 that he would clean the boots of the ,mormon leaders in heaven4 ,he did not say this as a figure of speech1 but meant it literally4 ,those who have obeyed the ,gospel of the new dispensation1 but who have failed to enter into ,polygamy1 will be as upper servants2 but the rebellious--the 8vile apostates0 and the 8wicked ,gentiles0--will join the angels and do all the drudgery for the men of many wives4 ,thus ,i learned in ,zion that my youthful notions about the glory of the cherubim were quite a mistake1 and that it was not such a fine thing to be an angel after all4 ,but ,i have run away from my story1 and had almost forgotten my poor acquaintance4 ,she was a woman who was likely to preserve a painful place in the memory of any one who once saw her4 ,her face was pale as death1 and her jet-black eyes glistened with an unearthly lustre2 it was easy to perceive that she was very unhappy1 although she tried hard to exhibit a cheerful disposition1 and when our conversation turned to that subject which to women here is all-absorbing1 the nervous twitching of her pale face showed how deeply painful such thoughts were to her4 ,she told me that her husband was soon to be married to a young girl about fourteen years of age4 8,do you see10 she said1 8that he is building for her80 ,and sure enough he was1 at odd hours1 adding another hut to the miserable hovel in which they already lived2 and thither1 when it was finished1 he intended to take his bride4 ,as ,i looked at the poor wife1 ,i felt little doubt that ere that time came1 her troubles on earth would have ended1 and her little ones would be motherless4 ,the ,mormon women1 as well as the ,mormon men1 are noted for attending to their own business--they do not care to tell their sorrows and trials to strangers or to people who are not of their own faith4 ,in this way visitors to ,salt ,lake who have gone there with the intention of 8writing-up0 the ,saints in the newspapers or in a book1 have generally been misled4 ,my own experience as a ,mormon woman leads me to form anything but a flattering opinion of the ,mormon stories told by ,gentile pens4 ,the following instance will show that the sisters are not quite so free in giving their experience as some writers would suggest4 ,one day1 while passing through the city1 ,i saw a young woman running across the road with a little child in her arms4 ,the child was crying piteously1 for the water was running from its clothing1 and ,i saw in a moment that it had fallen into the stream which ran in front of the house4 ,i followed1 to see if ,i could be of any assistance1 but fortunately found that the little creature was not seriously hurt1 but would soon recover from the fright and cold4 ,i helped the mother to change its clothing1 and while she was lulling her baby to sleep we entered into conversation4 ,at first she appeared to be very shy of me1 and avoided speaking of anything in the slightest degree personal2 but growing more interested1 she said at last1-- 8,are you a ,mormon80 8,certainly10 ,i answered2 8but why do you ask me80 8,because10 she said1 8we have had one or two ,gentile women among us1 and they go round among our people and question the women1 and get them to tell their troubles1 which ,god knows are heavy enough2 and then they go and write about it1 and ,brigham ,young finds it out1 and their husbands are called to account for allowing their wives to speak to the ,gentiles4 ,you are sure you are a ,mormon80 she added1 8and you are not deceiving me80 8,i'm sorry you should think such a thing10 ,i said2 8but if you suppose ,i would deceive you1 ,i will not trouble you with my company40 ,and ,i rose up to leave4 8,do not go yet10 she said1 8and pray forgive me1 if ,i have wounded your feelings2 it is simply the fear ,i have of getting into trouble4 ,brigham ,young and the ,elders have frequently told us to have nothing to do with the ,gentiles1 for they are enemies to the kingdom of ,god1 and are seeking our overthrow--and ,i suppose it is true40 8,how long have you been here80 ,i asked4 8,over two years10 she replied1 8and it seems almost twenty--time has passed so slowly4 ,i left father and mother1 sisters and brother1 for the ,gospel's sake1 and ,i do not regret it1 because it is right2 but it was a very great sacrifice to make4 ,yet ,i believe that ,god blesses us for the sacrifices we make1 and ,i shall get my reward40 8,you have it already10 ,i said1 8in that pretty child on your knee2 and your husband1 ,i hope1 is a good man and kind to you40 8,yes10 she answered1 8my child is a very great source of happiness to me1 and ,i love my husband very much1 but--0 7hesitatingly7 8are you in ,polygamy80 8,no1 not yet2 but ,i do not know how soon my husband may take it into his head to get another wife40 8,are you first wife80 she asked4 8,yes10 ,i replied1 8and ,i suppose you are also80 8,no1 ,i am third wife10 she said1 8,i wish ,i were first wife40 8,but why10 ,i suggested1 8do you wish that8 ,if ,polygamy is the true order of marriage1 ,i do not see that it makes much difference whether one is the first or the twentieth wife80 8,oh dear1 yes10 she replied1 8it does make a great deal of difference2 for the first wife will be queen over all the others1 and reign with her husband4 ,if ,i had known that before ,i was married1 ,i should have made my husband promise to place me first4 ,men can do that if they like40 8,but do you think you would be doing right in trying to gain the position of first wife in that way80 8,why not80 she said2 8didn't ,jacob obtain his brother's birthright by deception--and was he ever punished for it8 ,do you think that ,brother ,brigham1 notwithstanding that he is the inspired servant of ,god1 could have obtained his position1 and all his money1 by simple honest dealing8 ,if you think so1 ,i don't2 and it is just as proper and right for us women to secure a position for ourselves by such means as it is for ,brigham ,young--the end justifies the means40 8,if that is so10 ,i said1 8it is a wonder to me that any woman should consent to become second1 third1 or fourth wife--seeing they cannot be queens40 8,i can see that you have not yet had your #8,endowments1'0 she said1 8or you would understand more about these things2 but as you are a good ,mormon1 ,i can speak freely to you4 ,you see it is not always those who are first wives in this world who will be first in the celestial kingdom4 ,it all depends upon the amount of sacrifice the wife is capable of making for her husband1 her faithfulness to him1 and the number of children she has borne him4 ,if she pleases him in every particular1 and is good1 patient1 and above all things obedient to all his wishes and commands1 then she is almost certain to be made queen1 unless the first wife is just as good1 and then ,i don't know how they would fix that4 ,and so you see it is safer to be first wife at once40 8,well1 but10 ,i asked1 8knowing all this1 ,i am surprised that you consented to be third wife60 8,but ,i did not know it then10 she continued4 8,my husband told me that all the wives were queens--all equal--and he says so still when ,i talk to him about it4 ,but he can't deceive me4 ,i have spoken to some of the old ,nauvoo women who know all about it1 and they tell me that all the ,polygamic wives will be subject to the first wife2 but the first wife1 having suffered most1 will be the one who has gone through the fire and been purified1 and found worthy40 8,but do you think that your husband would wish to deceive you about such an important matter80 ,i said4 8,wait till you have lived a little longer here10 she replied1 8and you will be able to answer that question yourself1 or else your experience will be very different from that of the rest of the people here40 ,just then the husband made his appearance1 and put an end to the conversation4 ,he was a tall1 dark-looking man1 with grey hair1 old enough to be her father4 ,he appeared to be well educated and to have seen better days1 though everything about their home indicated poverty--the room in which we were sitting had no carpet on the floor1 there was a plain white-pine table in the middle1 a small sheet-iron stove1 four wooden chairs1 a small looking-glass1 and some cheap pictures4 ,this was the sitting-room for the whole family--three wives1 eleven children1 one husband4 ,he asked me if ,i had seen the rest of the family4 ,i replied negatively1 and he said he would see if any of them were about4 ,presently he returned accompanied by an elderly woman whom he introduced as ,mrs4 ,simpson4 ,then came another1 not quite as good-looking as the first1 but a great deal younger1 and he introduced her as 8,my wife ,ellen4 ,and this one10 he said1 turning to the one with whom ,i had been conversing1 8is my wife ,sarah4 ,don't you think ,i have got three fine-looking women80 ,then1 after a pause1 he added1 8,and they are just as good as they are good-looking--good1 obedient wives4 ,i have no trouble with them2 my wishes are law in this house4 ,here you have a family in which the ,spirit of ,god reigns4 ,we are not rich in worldly goods1 as you see1 but we are laying up treasure in heaven4 ,we all live in this little home of four rooms4 ,my wife ,ellen here1 has given up her room for a parlour for us all to meet together in1 and she sleeps in a waggon-box2 it is not the most comfortable1 but she never grumbles4 ,then1 here is our ,sarah2 we are obliged to humour her a little1 and give her a room all to herself4 ,she is young and inexperienced1 and doesn't like to put up with the inconveniences that the ,saints have to bear with2 while old mother here has got to have half-a-dozen children in her room1 but she never complains40 8,why did you not wait10 ,i said1 8until you had a larger house80 8,then where would my kingdom be80 he answered1 8,young men may wait1 but old men must improve their time40 ,there came in now a troop of children of all ages4 ,they had been playing in the lot1 were miserably clad1 barefooted1 and some looked gaunt and hungry3--manners to match4 8,these10 he said1 with all a father's fondness--8these constitute my kingdom1 and ,i am proud of them40 ,i felt thankful that ,i was not destined to be queen over such a kingdom1 wished them good-bye1 and with a sad heart went home to my own darling little ones1 not knowing what might be their fate4 ,illustration3 ,brigham ,young ,,chapter ,,xviii4 ,,brigham ,,young ,,at ,,home3--,,we ,,visit ,,the ,,prophet ,,and ,,his ,,wives4 ,shortly after our arrival in ,salt ,lake ,city we visited ,president ,young1 who received us very graciously and appointed an early day for us to dine with him4 ,on that occasion he invited some of the ,apostles and leading men to meet us at his table1 and we passed an exceedingly pleasant evening4 ,the ,prophet made himself very affable2 talked with us about our missionary life and other subjects of personal and general interest2 and expressed a high opinion of the energy and ability which my husband had displayed4 ,his wives1 too1--whom ,i found1 as far as ,i could judge from such a casual acquaintance1 to be amiable and kind-hearted ladies1--made every effort to render our visit agreeable4 ,i was much pleased with the manner and appearance of ,brigham ,young1 and felt greatly reassured2 for he did not seem to me like a man who would preach and practise such things as ,i had heard of him while ,i was in ,london4 ,this ,i was glad to see1 for it encouraged me to think that1 perhaps1 after all1 matters might not be so bad as ,i had anticipated4 ,we were1 in fact1 very kindly received in ,salt ,lake ,city by every one with whom we came in contact2 for having been ,missionaries for so many years1 we were1 of course1 well known by name1 and had a wide circle of acquaintances among the chief ,elders and emigrants4 ,fifteen years have1 of course1 worked a great change in the appearance of ,brigham ,young2 but though he is now nearly seventy-three years of age1 he is still a portly-looking--,i might almost say handsome man4 ,his good looks are not of the poetic or romantic kind at all2 he is very common-place and practical in his appearance1 but long and habitual exercise of despotic authority has stamped itself upon his features1 and is seen even in the way he carries himself3 he might without any stretch of the imagination be mistaken for a retired sea-captain4 ,when ,i first knew him1 in appearance he was little over fifty years of age1 was of medium height1 well built1 upright1 and1 as ,i just stated1 had the air of one accustomed to be obeyed4 ,his hair was light1--sandy1 ,i suppose ,i ought to call it1--with eyes to match2 and the expression of his countenance was pleasant and manly4 ,i1 of course1 regarded him from a woman's stand-point2 but there were others who were accustomed to study physiognomy1 and they detected--or thought they detected--in the cold expression of his eye and the stern1 hard lines of his lips1 evidences of cruelty1 selfishness1 and dogged determination which1 it is only fair to say1 ,i myself never saw4 ,the lines on his face have deepened of late years1 as what little of gentleness his heart ever knew has died out within him2 but still he presents the appearance of a man who would afford a deep study to the observer of human nature4 ,in early life he had to work hard for a living1 and according to his own statement he had a rough time of it4 ,he was1 by trade1 a painter and glazier1 and has frequently said in public that in those times he was glad to work for 8six bits0 a day1 and to keep his hands busy from morning to night to get even that4 ,whether or not the privations of early years fostered in him that avaricious and grasping spirit which of late years has been so conspicuous in him1 ,i cannot say1 but it is certain that it cropped out very early in his career as a ,saint4 ,an old ,nauvoo ,missionary1--a ,mormon of the ,mormons once1 but now1 alas6 a 8vile apostate0 as ,brigham would politely call him1--once told me that when the ,prophet ,joseph ,smith sent the ,apostle ,young on ,mission1 a good deal of discontent was shown that the said ,apostle did not account properly for the collections and tithings which passed through his hands4 ,brother ,joseph who was then 8the ,church0 suggested in a pleasant way--for the ,prophet ,smith was a big1 jovial fellow1 six feet two or three inches in height1 and withal somewhat of a humorist--that the said ,apostle ,brigham would appear in his eyes a better ,saint if he displayed a little less love for filthy lucre4 ,thereupon the ,apostle1 like somebody else who shall be nameless1 quoted ,scripture1 and reminded the ,prophet that ,moses had said1 8,thou shalt not muzzle the mouth of the ox that treadeth out the corn40 8,true1 ,brother ,brigham10 said ,joseph1 8but ,moses did not say the ox was to eat up all the corn40 ,brother ,brigham made no reply1 but is said to have 8sulked0 for two or three days4 ,i have often heard intelligent ,gentiles remark1 8,well1 ,brigham ,young may be a wicked man and an impostor1 but there must be a great deal of talent in him1 to manage those people for so many years40 ,from this opinion ,i altogether dissent2 and those who know ,brigham best1 think with me1 though many of them would not dare to say so4 ,i do not think ,brigham ,young a wicked man or an impostor in the sense in which those words are ordinarily used2 but experience1 and a careful study of his life and doings1 have convinced me that he is certainly not a great man or a man of genius in any sense of the word4 ,there can be no doubt that he has been guilty of many and great crimes1 but ,i believe that in the early part of his career he was so blinded by fanaticism that those crimes appeared to him actually virtues3--the force of habit and the daily associations of his life have so completely taken from him all sense of right and wrong2 while the devotion of his people has made the idea that he could possibly do the slightest wrong so utterly inconceivable to him and to them1 that his perceptions of justice1 truth1 honour1 honesty1 and upright dealing are as utterly stultified as they ever were in the mind of the wildest savage who prowled among the cliffs and caons of the ,rocky ,mountains4 ,people think that ,brigham ,young attained to his present position by the exercise of ability1 such as has been displayed1 only on a greater scale1 by all those men who1 not being born to power1 nor having it thrust upon them1 have by the force of their genius seized it and held it--unlawfully it might be1 but1 nevertheless1 with talent and moral energy4 ,of the ,prophet's moral character1 the less said the better4 ,he has been remorseless and cruel in his enmities1 and he has connived at and even suggested1 if nothing more1 some of the most atrocious crimes that have ever been perpetrated on the face of the earth4 ,in business matters1 in the payment of money--to use a popular phrase--his word is as good as his bond1 but in the accumulation of wealth he has evinced an amount of dishonesty which can scarcely be credited4 ,brigham always meets his obligations1 and pays his debts1 and gets a lawful receipt3--the prophetic business could not otherwise be carried on2 but the way in which he has obtained his wealth would put to the blush the most dishonest member of any 8ring0 in ,new ,york1 or elsewhere4 ,when he attended his first ,conference1 he says he had to borrow certain masculine garments and a pair of boots before he could put in an appearance4 ,now it would be difficult to estimate the value of his property4 ,he has taken up large tracts of land all over the ,territory1 he has the uncontrolled and unquestioned command of all the tithing and contributions of the ,saints1 and from gifts and confiscations1 and innumerable other sources1 his revenue pours in4 ,it was once rumoured that he had eighteen or twenty millions of dollars in the ,bank of ,england2 but ,brigham said that the report was not true4 8,the ,church10 he added1 had a little money invested abroad4 ,the difference between 8,the ,church0 and the individual ,brigham ,young has yet to be determined4 ,in the year #aheb the 8,prophet of the ,lord0 found that he had borrowed an inconveniently large sum from the funds of the ,church4 ,he is 8,trustee in ,trust0 and1 of course1 legally responsible2 but he never renders an account of his stewardship1 and no one ever asks him for it4 ,his sense of honesty was1 however1 so strong that he resolved to have his account balanced1 and he went down to the ,tithing-,office for that purpose4 ,there he found that his indebtedness amounted to two hundred thousand dollars1 and he proceeded to pay it after his own fashion3 the clerk was instructed to place to his credit the same amount 8for services rendered40 ,in #ahfg1 he owed very nearly one million dollars1 which he had borrowed from the same fund1 and he balanced his account in the same way4 ,his contract for the ,pacific ,railroad is said to have yielded him a quarter of a million1 and his other contracts and mining speculations1 purchases and thefts of lands1 houses1 c41 have been very profitable4 ,the expenses of such a family as ,brother ,brigham's must be something enormous1 but the contributions which by honest and dishonest means he has levied have been so large that he must still be one of the wealthiest men in the ,states4 ,brigham is not a generous man4 ,he has given occasionally1 as for instance at the time of the ,chicago fire1 when he presented a thousand dollars for the sufferers1 but even then his motive was evident--the affairs of 8,deseret0 were under discussion in ,congress4 ,without the certainty of a profitable return1 ,brigham never gave a cent4 ,the story of his sordid avarice and his contemptible meanness in the accumulation of money would fill a volume4 ,morally and physically the ,prophet is a great coward4 ,when he and other ,church leaders were arrested a year or two ago1 charged with the very gravest crimes1 the effect upon the ,prophet was most distressing4 ,he had solemnly sworn in the ,tabernacle that he would shoot the man who attempted to arrest him2 but when ,judge ,mc,kean opened court and placed him under arrest1 he swallowed his threats and played the coward's part4 ,before this the world has seen wretches who were notorious for their cruelty and tyranny1 and who were also remarkable for their cowardice4 ,for many years he has imitated royalty and has had a strong body-guard to keep watch and ward around his person every night4 ,no man has less cause to apprehend personal violence than ,brother ,brigham1 but the voice of conscience1 which1 as the poet says1 makes cowards of us all1 suggests his fears4 ,,chapter ,,xix4 ,,the ,,wives ,,of ,,brigham ,,young3--,,their ,,history ,,and ,,their ,,daily ,,life4 ,the wives of ,brigham ,young have always been subjects of interest to ,gentiles who visited ,zion2 and having spoken of their husband1 ,i think it is only fair that ,i should say a few words about them4 ,for many years ,i have known personally all the ,prophet's wives who reside in ,salt ,lake ,city1 and ,i wish to speak of them with kindness and respect4 ,they are women whom any one would esteem--conscientious1 good1 earnest women2 faithful1 true-hearted wives1 who have devoted their lives to the carrying out of what they believe is the revealed will of ,god4 ,when ,i first knew ,brother ,brigham1 poor man1 he had only sixteen living with him in ,salt ,lake ,city2 and even now he has no more than nineteen6 ,perhaps ,i ought to say eighteen1 since ,eliza-,ann has run away from him1 and left the poor old gentleman desolate and forlorn4 ,the three whom he took after ,i came to ,utah1 were ,amelia ,folsom1 ,mary ,van ,cott ,cobb1 and ,eliza-,ann4 ,but the reader will perhaps be interested in hearing about them all1 and so ,i will state the names and order of the ladies as they at present stand--according to the date of their marriage2 making mention of the proxy wives last of all1 for the sake of convenience and without reference to date4 ,of course ,brother ,brigham has had many more than nineteen wives1 but the following are the living ladies2 others are dead or have strayed away1 no one knew whither1 and perhaps1 as ,brother ,heber once said to me1 nobody cared4 ,illustration3 ,,amelia ,,folsom ,,young1 ,,brigham',s ,,favorite ,,wife4 8,,eliza ,,ann10 ,,brigham',s ,,nineteenth ,,wife4 ,,brother ,,brigham',s ,,last ,,baby4 ,,miss ,,eliza ,r4 ,,snow1 ,,mormon ,,poetess ,,and ,,high ,,priestess4 ,,mrs4 ,,john ,w4 ,,young1 ,,wife ,,of ,,brigham',s ,,apostate ,,son4 ,to face p4 #afh4 ,allow me to introduce the ,mrs4 ,young4 ,,mrs4 ,,mary ,,ann ,,angell ,,young4 ,number ,one4 ,first in order is ,mrs4 ,mary ,ann ,angell ,young1 but she is not the first wife that ,brother ,brigham ever had4 ,once upon a time1 ,brother ,brigham was a ,methodist2 but after listening to the preaching of the ,mormon ,missionaries he became a vile apostate--as he loves to call those who leave his present faith--and he forsook ,methodism4 ,in those days1 before he apostatised1 and long before he ever dreamed of ,polygamy1 he had but one wife--one only6 ,it must seem strange to the ,prophet to look back to that period of solitary existence4 ,his second wife was ,mrs4 ,angell ,young2 and ,i call her his first wife because she is the first of those living now4 ,as she was married to him after the death of his first wife1 she is1 of course1 his legal wife1 and would be recognized as such in any civilized country4 ,she is a very fine-looking old lady and very much devoted to her unfaithful lord and master1 firmly believing in his divine mission4 ,she lives by herself and is seldom troubled with a visit from her affectionate spouse4 ,once in a while ,brigham brings her out to a party when he has invited any ,gentiles1 just for appearance sake4 ,quite a number of persons in ,utah believe that she is dead1 so very little is seen and known of her4 ,she lives in the ,white ,house--,brigham's first residence in ,salt ,lake ,city--and is much thought of by those who do know her4 ,her children are greatly attached to her1 and show her a great deal of attention1 making up in this way1 to a certain extent1 for her husband's neglect2 her three sons1 ,joseph ,a4 ,brigham--who it is expected will succeed his father as ,president of the ,church--and ,john ,w41 as well as her two daughters1 ,alice and ,luna1 are all in ,polygamy4 ,each of the sons has three wives2 and each of the daughters has a half-sister as a partner in her husband's affections4 ,brigham has not the slightest objection to giving two of his daughters to the same husband4 ,,lucy ,,decker ,,seely ,,young4 ,number ,two4 ,lucy ,decker ,seely ,young was his first wife in ,polygamy4 ,her former husband was a ,mr4 ,seely4 ,she is short and stout1 a very excellent mother and a devoted wife4 ,,clara ,,decker ,,young4 ,number ,three4 ,clara ,decker ,young is the third wife4 ,she is a sister of ,lucy ,seely1 and like her is short and stout1 but otherwise good-looking4 ,she is more than twenty years younger than her lord1 with whom she was once quite a favourite1 but like many others1 she has 8had her day0--to use ,brigham's own expression--and is now1 as a matter of course1 neglected4 ,,harriet ,,cook ,,young4 ,number ,four4 ,harriet ,cook ,young is tall1 with light hair and blue eyes1 and is an intelligent but not at all a refined woman4 ,she is said to have given a great deal of trouble to ,brother ,brigham1 of whom she has frequently said very hard things4 ,in times past she had the reputation of being a good deal more than a match for her husband when she had any cause of offence against him1 but in her quiet moments she is a very sincere ,mormon4 ,she has only one son--,oscar ,young--now about twenty-five years of age4 ,when he was born1 ,brigham kindly announced to her that because she was not obedient she should have no more children1 and during more than a quarter of a century he has kept his word4 ,why she has remained with him so long is a mystery1 for she makes no secret of her feelings towards him4 ,,lucy ,,bigelow ,,young4 ,number ,five4 ,lucy ,bigelow ,young is quite a fine-looking woman--tall and fair1 and still quite young4 ,she has three pretty daughters4 ,brigham has recently sent her to live in southern ,utah4 ,,mrs4 ,,twiss ,,young4 ,number ,six4 ,mrs4 ,twiss ,young has no children1 but she is a very good housewife1 and ,brigham appreciates her accordingly1 and has given her the position of housekeeper in the ,lion ,house4 ,women have two great privileges in the ,mormon ,church--they may ask a man to marry them1 if they chance to fancy him1 and if they don't like him afterwards they are able to obtain a divorce for the moderate sum of ten dollars1 which sum the husband is expected to pay4 ,mrs4 ,twiss exercised the first privilege in reference to ,brother ,brigham1 but has not yet availed herself of the last4 ,there are other ladies who thought it would be a great honour to be called the wives of the ,prophet1 and they have requested him to allow them to be called by his name4 ,this he has done1 but he has never troubled them with his society4 ,,martha ,,bowker ,,young4 ,number ,seven4 ,martha ,bowker ,young is a quiet little body1 with piercing dark eyes1 and very retiring4 ,brother ,brigham acts towards her as if he had quite forgotten that he had ever married her1 and she lives in all the loneliness of married spinsterhood4 ,,harriet ,,barney ,,seagers ,,young4 ,number ,eight4 ,harriet ,barney ,seagers ,young1 the eighth wife1 is a tall1 fine-looking woman4 ,she was another man's wife when ,brigham made love to her4 ,it is not supposed to be the correct thing for a ,saint to court his neighbour's wife1 but the ,prophet did so in the case of ,harriet ,barney1 and in several other cases too4 ,harriet was married to a respectable young ,mormon gentleman1 but after she had lived with him some time and had borne three children to him1 the ,prophet persuaded her to join his ranks1 and she did so1 believing that the word of the ,prophet was the revelation of the ,lord to her1 but she has since had bitter cause to repent of her folly4 ,to a ,gentile mind such an infatuation must appear very strange1 but the ,mormon people personally understand the powerful influence which their religion exercises over them1 and to them there is nothing very singular in all this4 ,,eliza ,,burgess ,,young4 ,number ,nine4 ,eliza ,burgess ,young is the only ,english wife that ,brigham has4 ,she fell in love with the ,prophet1 wanted him to marry her1 and even offered to wait1 like ,jacob1 for seven years if she might be his at last4 ,so she served in the family of her lord for the appointed time1 and he finally took her to wife as a recompense for her faithfulness4 ,she has added one son to the ,prophet's kingdom4 ,,susan ,,snively ,,young4 ,number ,ten4 ,the tenth wife on my list is ,susan ,snively ,young4 ,she is a ,german woman--smart1 active1 and industrious4 ,she has no children1 but has been quite a help-meet to her husband in making butter and cheese1 in which she excels4 ,smart ,mormons have always had an eye to business1 and while living up to their privileges have not invariably sought for wives who were only fair and pleasant to look upon1 but have frequently taken them for their own intrinsic worth3 one as a good dairymaid1 another as a good cook1 a third as a good laundress1 and a fourth as a lady to grace the parlour--perhaps even two or three of this last kind1 if the ,saint were wealthy4 ,there is a good deal of practical wisdom in this4 ,brother ,brigham has gathered of all sorts into his net1 and has then sorted them out1 placing each lady in the position where he considered she would be most useful and profitable to himself4 ,,margaret ,,pierce ,,young4 ,number ,eleven4 ,margaret ,pierce ,young is very lady-like1 tall1 and genteel4 ,she has the appearance of being very unhappy1 and it is certain that she has been very much neglected1 but not more so than many of the other wives4 ,she has one son4 ,,emmeline ,,free ,,young4 ,number ,twelve4 ,when first ,i went to ,utah1 ,emmeline ,free ,young was the reigning favourite1 and she was really the handsomest of ,brigham's wives--tall and graceful1 with curling hair1 beautiful eyes1 and fair complexion4 ,brigham was as fond of her1 at the time1 as a man of his nature1 with such a low estimate of woman1 could be4 ,but a younger1 though not a handsomer1 rival soon captivated his fickle heart1 and he left poor ,emmeline to mourn in sorrow4 ,she has never been herself since then1 and probably never will be--she is a broken-hearted woman4 ,she is the mother of quite a numerous family1 and doubtless1 as she had been the favourite for so long a time1 she had come to believe that her husband would never seek another love4 ,but1 if this was so1 she sadly miscalculated ,brigham1 for when his licentious fancy was attracted to another object of affection he cast off ,emmeline as ruthlessly as he would an old garment4 ,what decent person could refrain from loathing such a man6 ,how often has my heart gone out in sympathy towards that poor1 wrecked woman whom he had forsaken2 what a pity ,i deemed it that so much love should be wasted upon a creature who could never understand or appreciate it4 ,and yet ,emmeline's fate has been no worse than that of the others2 but ,i was more with her1 and saw how keenly she suffered1 and ,i sympathized with her when her sorrows brought her nearly to the point of death4 ,,amelia ,,folsom ,,young4 ,number ,thirteen4 ,amelia ,folsom ,young is now the favourite1 and it is supposed that she will continue to be so1 for at last poor ,brother ,brigham has found a woman of whom he stands in dread4 ,it is doubtful whether he loves her1 but nobody in ,zion doubts that he fears her4 ,it is said that the ,prophet has confided so many of his secrets to ,amelia that he is obliged to submit to her tyranny1 for fear of her leaving him1 and exposing some of his little ways which would not bear the light4 ,be that as it may1 it is generally believed that after all his matrimonial alliances he has at last found his master in the person of ,amelia4 ,even good ,saints--friends of the ,prophet--secretly enjoy the idea of him being at last brought under petticoat government1 for it is believed that ,brigham used unfair means to obtain her1 and that at last he only gained his object by deluding her into the belief that the ,lord had revealed to him that it was her duty to become his wife4 ,one thing is very certain--he was as crazy over her as a silly boy over his first love1 much to the disgust of his more sober brethren1 who felt rather ashamed of the folly of their leader4 ,at the theatre a seat was reserved for her at his side1 and in the ball-room the same special attention was shown to her4 ,he would open the ball1 and1 after dancing with each of his other wives who might be present--simply for appearance sake--the remainder of the evening was devoted to her4 ,for all that1 his inconstant heart could not remain faithful to her1 and old habits and feelings1 to all appearance1 have come over him again1 and he has gone astray4 ,julia ,dean1 the actress1 was the first to draw him from ,amelia's side1 and it would have been a sorry day for ,amelia if ,julia had favoured the ,prophet's suit4 ,then the charms of ,mary ,van ,cott touched his sensitive heart1 to say nothing of ,eliza-,ann1 his last but yet not his best-beloved4 ,with all this experience1 and the constant evidences of the fickleness of ,brother ,brigham's heart before her eyes1 there is no wonder that poor ,amelia feels compelled to hold tight the reins1 now that they are in her own hands1 for1 if it is not much to be known as ,brigham's wife1 it is a great deal to be known as his favourite4 ,as for the future1 it is whispered that ,brother ,brigham has lately been 8setting his house in order10 and in the ordinary course of nature1 ,amelia is almost certain to outlive for many years her aged lord1 she1 therefore1 can afford to wait for the good time coming4 ,but ,amelia knows that she would sink into oblivion if he were to cast her off for another before his death4 ,,mary ,,van ,,cott ,,cobb ,,young4 ,number ,fourteen4 ,mary ,van ,cott ,cobb--who became ,brigham's wife after his marriage to ,amelia--is a very handsome woman1 about twenty-eight years of age4 ,she is tall1 slender1 and graceful1 and has been married to the ,prophet about six years4 ,at first he appeared to be very devoted to her1 but ,amelia soon put a stop to that4 ,nevertheless1 she has since her marriage presented a little daughter to her lord1 greatly to the annoyance of ,amelia1 who has no children4 ,she is said to be very unhappy1 and though ,brigham has provided her with a fine house and every comfort1 yet she seldom sees him--not perhaps more than once in three months1 or so--though it is generally believed that his spirit is willing1 but ,amelia won't allow it4 ,,eliza-,,ann ,,webb ,,dee ,,young4 ,number ,fifteen4 ,eliza-,ann ,webb ,dee ,young1 commonly known as his 8runaway wife10 is his last wedded and nineteenth living wife4 ,if his deceased wives were taken into consideration she would probably be his thirtieth4 ,in this list ,i have put all the living wives who are sealed to ,brigham for eternity first1 and thus ,i count ,eliza-,ann fifteen1 but had ,i placed the proxy wives--who are only ,brigham's 8for time10 in the list1 she would1 of course1 be the 8nineteenth10 as she is generally called4 8,,miss0 ,,eliza ,r4 ,,snow4 ,number ,sixteen4 8,miss0 ,eliza ,r4 ,snow ,i mention here as ,i have not followed the order of date4 ,she and the three ladies whose names ,i shall presently give1 are the proxy wives of ,brigham1 living with him4 ,,zina ,d4 ,,huntington ,,jacobs ,,young4 ,number ,seventeen4 ,zina ,d4 ,huntington ,jacobs ,young is another proxy wife1 and a widow of the ,prophet ,joseph4 ,she1 too1 will have to be handed over in the day of reckoning4 ,she has one grown up daughter1 of whom ,i shall presently speak under rather interesting circumstances4 ,,emily ,,partridge ,,young4 ,number ,eighteen4 ,emily ,partridge ,young is a tall1 dark-eyed1 handsome woman1 and she also is a 8proxy0 wife--a relict of ,joseph4 ,when ,joseph died1 ,brigham told his wives that they were at liberty to choose whom they would for husbands2 and some of them showed their appreciation of his generosity by choosing him himself4 ,thus it was that ,emily ,partridge became ,brigham's wife4 ,the ,prophet has dealt kindly to his brother ,joseph ,smith1 through her1 for she has quite a family of children to be handed over with her4 ,she was young and handsome when the ,prophet died1 but perhaps it would be wrong to suppose that that had anything to do with ,brigham's generosity to his brother1 for it is generally believed that he took all those wives of ,joseph1 from pure principle4 ,,augusta ,,cobb ,,young4 ,number ,nineteen4 ,augusta ,cobb ,young is a very fine-looking woman1 and must have been quite handsome in her youthful days4 ,as ,i before stated1 she formerly lived in ,boston1 but hearing ,brigham preach1 she fell in love with him1 abandoned her home1 children1 and husband1 and1 taking her youngest child with her1 went to ,salt ,lake ,city1 and was married to the ,prophet4 ,it was she who1 when ,brigham began to neglect her1 wanted to be sealed to ,christ1 but was ultimately added to the kingdom of ,joseph ,smith4 ,now these are the ,prophet's wives--his real1 living wives--nineteen in all4 ,how many spiritual wives he has had it would be impossible to say4 ,probably he himself does not know their number4 ,in his habits and mode of living1 ,brigham ,young is very simple1 or at least was so until recently4 ,when ,i first knew him he dressed in plain1 home-spun1 home-made1 and every article about his person and his houses was as plain and unostentatious as could possibly be4 ,but the importation of ,gentiles and ,gentile goods1 since the opening of the railway1 has worked a great change4 ,his wives1 who once carried simplicity of dress almost to the verge of dowdyism1 have now acquired a taste for ,eastern fashions4 ,the ,prophet's first home in ,utah was a little cottage which is now known as the ,white ,house4--,the same house1 ,i believe1 which was valued at sixty thousand dollars1 and which ,brother ,tenant supposed he bought3--a more scandalous and barefaced robbery never was perpetrated4 ,this is on the hill-side1 north of the ,eagle ,gate1 and is now the residence of his first wife1 ,mrs4 ,angell ,young4 ,the ,bee-,hive ,house is the official residence of ,brother ,brigham4 ,there he used to reign supreme as 8,governor0 ,young2 and thence he now issues secular and ecclesiastical edicts to all who acknowledge his sway4 ,there is one lady resident in this house--,mrs4 ,lucy ,decker ,young--and no one else is permitted to intrude upon its privacy4 ,here the prophet has his own private bedroom1 and here he breakfasts when he has been at home over night4 ,the ,lion ,house is what ought to be the home of the ,prophet1 for here nearly all his wives reside4 7,he has1 however1 many other houses in the city47 ,on the basement floor is the dining-room1 kitchen1 pantry1 and other general offices4 ,the first floor is divided by a long passage with doors on each side4 ,on the right hand1 about half-a-dozen wives with small families find accommodation4 ,on the left1 at the entrance1 is the parlour1 and the other rooms on that side are occupied by mothers with larger families1 and ladies who have a little more than ordinary attention4 ,the upper floor is divided into twenty square bedrooms4 ,there is no extravagance in the furniture or apparel of these wives1 but they are comfortable and are kept neat and clean4 ,again and again1 the ,prophet has declared that the ten-dollar fees which are obtained from the divorces provide his wives with pin-money4 ,i do not believe a word of this1 as the amount thus obtained is far more than the avaricious soul of the ,prophet would allow to pass out of his hands for feminine vanities4 ,but ,i know of another source of income which is open to the wives4 ,they are allowed all the fruit--peaches especially--which they or their children1 can gather or dry4 ,this1 in fact1 is pretty nearly their only 8pin-money0 their 8lord0 is not a generous man1 and they have to make the most of trifles4 ,the ,prophet usually dines in the ,lion ,house at three in the afternoon4 ,mrs4 ,twiss ,young1 as ,i mentioned before1 acts the part of housekeeper1 and she acts it well4 ,at three punctually the bell rings1 and the mothers with their children move down to the dining-room4 ,they are all seated at a very long table which is lengthened by turning round at the end of the room4 ,each mother has her children around her4 ,brigham sits at the head of the table1 with his favourite--when at home--vis vis1 or on his left1 and if a visitor is present he sits at the ,prophet's right hand4 ,the repast is frugal but ample1 for ,brigham is a sober and exceedingly economical man4 ,this is the first time he sees his family4 ,in the evening at seven o'clock the bell again rings1 and the mothers and the children again fill the sides and end of the parlour4 ,when they are all seated1 the patriarch enters1 takes his seat at the table and chats quietly with those who chance to go in with him to prayers4 ,when all the members of the family are assembled1 the door is closed4 ,all kneel down and the ,prophet prays1 invoking special blessings upon ,zion and 8the kingdom40 ,this is the last that his family see of him for the day1 unless they have occasion to seek him privately4 ,with his family ,brother ,brigham is said to be kind2 but it is supposed to be more the awe which his position as ,prophet inspires1 than the love which they bear him as a man which renders him successful in managing them4 ,at the same time1 that sweet familiarity is destroyed which should exist between husband and wife1 father and children4 ,with such a number of wives1 he cannot possibly wait upon them in visiting1 and in the ball-room1 and other places of amusement4 ,with the exception of his reigning favourite1 whoever for the time she may happen to be1 no one expects his attentions4 ,at the theatre a full number of seats are reserved1 and his wives attend1 or remain at home1 as they please4 ,they sit in the body of the parquette1 among the rest of the people2 but one of the two proscenium boxes is reserved for him1 and beside him is a chair for the favourite ,amelia4 ,when he goes to the ball1 the same special attention is shown4 ,he dances first with the favourite1 and1 if half-a-dozen more of his wives have accompanied them1 he will dance with each of them once in the course of the evening2 but with the favourite he dances as frequently as any youth in the ball-room with his first maiden love4 ,the ,apostles and leading men of the community1 who dance attendance on him and desire his favour1 are sure to seek the pleasure of her hand and place her in the same cotillion with ,brigham1 who is thus able all the evening to enjoy her company4 ,some of the ,apostles and ,elders look with pain upon this boyishness of the ,prophet1 and deplore it4 ,many of them are attached to their first wives1 and have shown them consideration and attention which has not always pleased ,brother ,brigham4 ,i have heard more than one of them1 express a wish that the ,prophet had been a little more attentive to his own first wife4 ,,chapter ,,xx4 ,,ways ,,and ,,works ,,of ,,the ,,saints3--,,the ,,prophet',s ,,millinery ,,bill4 ,when ,i arrived in ,utah ,i found that nearly all the ,elders with whom ,i had formerly been acquainted had more than one wife there4 ,many of these brethren called to see me1 and kindly insisted that ,i should visit their families2 but this ,i felt was almost an impossibility4 ,my whole nature rebelled at the thought of visiting where there were several wives2 for1 in defiance of all the teaching that ,i had listened to1 and the tyranny to which we had submitted1 human nature would assert itself1 and my womanly instincts revolted against the system4 ,i could not endure the thought of visiting those families in company with my husband4 ,i thought that perhaps sometimes ,i might venture alone2 but1 oh1 not with him1--no1 not with him4 ,it was bad enough and humiliating enough for me to witness by myself the degradation of my sex2 but to do so in the presence of my husband was more than ,i could calmly contemplate4 ,i knew that ,i should not be able to control myself1 and might probably say some very unpleasant things1 which ,i should afterwards regret2 for ,i so thoroughly loathed even the idea of polygamy at that time that ,i was filled with a desire to let every one know and understand just what my feelings were on that subject4 ,i had left ,new ,york against my will1 although ,i had not openly rebelled4 ,i had never reproached my husband about it1 for ,i felt that his lot was irrevocably cast with the ,mormons3 ,i knew that when ,i married him1 and it was of no use now for me to repine4 ,i must go on to the end--there was no help for me4 ,the journey across the ,plains1 and all the discoveries which ,i had made1 had not tended to soothe my rebellious heart1 and ,i am not quite sure that ,i did not sow by the way a little discontent among the sisters4 ,the idea1 however1 that such was the case did not1 ,i must admit1 fill me with much repentance4 ,to my husband ,i had said very little1 but ,i think he would bear me witness that what ,i did say was said effectively4 ,now when ,i was brought face to face with practical polygamy and could observe it in its most repulsive phases1 ,i hated it more than ever4 ,one day not long after our arrival1 as we were taking a walk together1 ,i saw across the road a man gesticulating after an eccentric fashion and beckoning to us4 ,mr4 ,stenhouse said1 8,that is ,brother ,heber ,c4 ,kimball20 and ,i looked again with interest to see what that celebrated ,apostle was like4 ,i had both heard and read a great deal about ,brother ,heber1 and what ,i had learned was not at all of a character to impress me favourably--he had been so severe in his denunciation of every woman who dared to oppose polygamy4 ,on the present occasion his conduct was1 ,i thought1 anything but gentlemanly2 and when we crossed the road to him1--which on account of his position in the ,church--next to ,brigham himself--we1 of course1 were compelled to do1--my face must have betrayed my feelings ,i am sure1 for almost his first words after shaking hands were1 8,have you got the blues80 ,my answer was ready in a moment4 8,i have had nothing else ever since ,i came here40 8,well10 he replied1 8it is time that you should get rid of them1 and ,i am going to talk to you some day soon1 for ,i rather like your looks40 ,i did not like his looks much1 however1 nor was ,i at all pleased with his manner4 ,i do not say that ,i was altogether without blame in feeling thus1 for ,i was prejudiced4 ,of course ,i was prejudiced4 ,from the first moment when ,i heard that polygamy was a doctrine of the ,church1 ,i was predisposed to be dissatisfied with everything3 ,i was henceforth not myself1 for the terrible apprehension of my own fate in the 8,celestial ,order0 had changed my whole nature1 and that change of itself was a great source of grief to me4 ,i keenly realized that ,i was no longer the light-hearted1 pleasant companion to my husband that ,i had been1 and many a time and oft ,i wished for his sake that ,i could die1 for ,i felt that ,i never could be happy in ,mormonism again4 ,how many times have ,i knelt by my husband's couch when he was unconscious of it1 and have wept bitter tears of sorrow1 earnestly praying to the ,lord to subdue my rebellious heart1 and1 if it were necessary1 rather than ,i should be a continual annoyance to my husband1 whom ,i loved with all my soul1 that every particle of love in my heart should be withered1 so that ,i might perchance1 if without love1 be able at least to do my duty4 ,i fully realized that in polygamy there could be no real love2 and while my affections were still placed upon my husband1 it was torture to live in a community where ,i was compelled to listen to the 8counsels0 which were given to him1 day after day1 regardless of my presence1 to take another wife4 ,i was too proud to notice any ordinary allusion that was made to the subject before me2 but when the conversation was turned in that direction by those who professed to be sincere friends and to entertain a kindly interest in my welfare1 ,i was compelled to listen and reply4 ,in my unhappy condition1 ,i thought that perhaps ,i might derive some consolation from the sermons in the ,tabernacle--something that might shed a softer light upon my rugged pathway4 ,but instead of obtaining consolation1 ,i heard that which aroused every feeling of my soul to rebellion1 and kindled again within me the indignation which ,i had been so long struggling to conquer4 ,i heard that woman was an inferior being1 designed by the ,lord for the special glory and exaltation of man1 that she was a creature that should feel herself honoured if he would only make her the mother of his children--a creature who if very obedient and faithful through all the trials and tribulations in life1 might some day be rewarded by becoming one of her husband's queens1 but should even then shine only by virtue of the reflected light derived from the glory of her spouse and lord4 ,he was to be her 8saviour10 for he was all in all to her2 and it was through him alone and at his will that she could obtain salvation4 ,we were informed that man was the crowning glory of creation1 for whom all things--woman included--were brought into being2 and that the chief object of woman's existence was to help man to his great destiny4 ,not a sentence--indeed1 not a word--did we ever hear as to the possibility of womanly perfection and exaltation in her own right2 and not only so1 but1 as if this were not enough to crush all ambition out of our souls1 we were instructed in some new views of marriage4 ,the great object of marriage1 we were told1 was the increase of children4 ,those diviner objects--the companionship of soul1 the devotion of a refined and pure affection1 the indissoluble union of two existences--were never presented to the yearning hearts of those poor women who listened to the miserable harangues of the ,tabernacle3 such aspirations had nothing to do with the hard1 cruel facts of their life in polygamy4 ,and this ,i found was how the women of ,utah were spiritually sustained4 ,seldom1 indeed1 was taught anything better1 but frequently much that was worse4 ,if ,nature1 asserting its right to a full return of love1 should manifest itself1 and inspire some of these poor wives to rebel against the lives which they were compelled to lead in polygamy1 then it would be said1 in the language of the ,tabernacle1 that the women were 8filled with the devil10 and that unless they repented speedily1 they would 8apostatize and go to hell20--an assurance which was scarcely necessary1 for many of those poor souls were enduring as much as if they were there already4 ,or if some woman was found objecting to polygamy on account of its crushing and degrading effects upon women generally1 then1 as ,i just said1 she was told in the coarse language of ,brigham ,young himself1 that 8such women had no business to complain2 it was quite enough honour for them to be permitted to bear children to ,god's holy ,priesthood40 ,i found1 therefore2 that the sermons in the ,tabernacle were not calculated to help me much spiritually4 ,i had neither friend nor counsellor on earth to whom ,i could turn for help--my ,god alone remained to me4 ,but1 ah1 how different were my ideas of ,god then1 from those which ,i entertained before and since4 ,once ,i could look upon the beauties of nature and the varied experiences of human life1 and while my soul was lifted up with devotion and gratitude1 ,i could see the loving hand of my ,heavenly ,father in everything around me4 ,now there was neither light nor beauty before my eyes--all was dark and dreary2 there was nothing to draw away my heart from such sad thoughts as these4 ,it was painfully clear to my understanding1 then as now1 that in ,mormonism woman was to lose her personal identity4 ,all that ,christianity had done to elevate her was to be ruthlessly set aside and trampled under foot1 and she was instantly to return to the position which she occupied in the darkest ages of the world's existence4 ,i had at that time the daily and hourly cares of a family devolving upon me1 and had not therefore much leisure to spend in visiting my friends even if ,i had desired to do so4 ,notwithstanding that1 however1 ,i had abundant opportunities of observation2 and thus my experience of ,mormonism and polygamy in ,utah is much the same as that of any ,mormon woman of ordinary sense2 ,i only tell what others could relate if they had the inclination to do so4 ,it was not possible for me to live in ,salt ,lake ,city without being brought face to face with polygamy in some shape or other every day of my life4 ,had it been otherwise1 and if remaining at home would have kept it from my view1 ,i probably never should have had the courage to enter a house where it was practised4 ,to those who know nothing of that degrading system this may seem rather an exaggeration of feeling2 and yet1 even at that early day1 ,i had seen so much of the folly and weakness of the ,mormon brethren1 both in ,london and ,new ,york1 before we went to ,utah1 and had witnessed so many evil results of their teachings1 that it was with the greatest difficulty that ,i could control my feelings sufficiently to call upon any family where there was more than one wife4 ,and yet what ,i knew then was nothing in comparison to what ,i afterwards witnessed--yes1 that ,i myself endured4 ,during the winter1 although ,i visited very little1 ,i attended a good many parties at the ,social ,hall2 but ,i did so more from a wish to be agreeable to my husband than from any pleasure that they afforded me1 for life had long since been losing almost all its charms for me4 ,how many times have ,i gazed wistfully at those lofty mountains which surrounded the city1 and felt that they were indeed my prison walls4 ,how bitterly have ,i realized that ,i should never be able to go beyond them4 ,but in a new country1 with a family to provide for1 a mother has not much time to waste in pining1 even if it be for liberty itself1 and ,i would willingly draw the veil over that portion of my life4 ,as my husband had been on mission for so many years and had spent all his time in the service of the ,church1 with the exception of a few brief months before we left ,new ,york--when he was engaged on the staff of the ,new ,york ,herald--,i naturally enough thought that when we reached ,zion his occupation would be gone4 ,there would be no need of preaching to the ,saints3 on the contrary they would be able to teach us2 and we should have to find out what we could do in this new country to support ourselves and our children4 ,in this ,i was not mistaken4 ,now among the 8absolutely necessary0 things which ,i had brought with me from ,new ,york1 were about three hundred dollars' worth of millinery goods1 which ,i had secreted among our other properties1 thinking that they would very probably come in useful to the fair daughters of ,zion--notwithstanding that the ,elders had told me of fiery sermons1 delivered by the ,prophet himself1 condemning all feminine display1 and that the sisters would scorn to wear ,gentile fashions4 ,i knew my own sex too well to believe that all this was strictly true1 and ,i felt certain that ,i should find1 even among the ,saints1 some weak sisters who would appreciate my thoughtfulness in bringing such articles for their use4 ,i had also noticed that the ,american ,elders themselves would frequently inquire where they could buy the best gloves and the prettiest ribbons and laces1 and that looked a little suspicious4 ,quite a number of such articles1 therefore1 found their way into my list of 8absolute necessaries10 and ,i know that my husband was secretly quite at a loss to know what had become of a certain sum of money which he was aware ,i had obtained from the sale of some of our things in ,new ,york4 ,but my foresight in this instance was very useful to us when we arrived in ,zion4 ,one day when ,mr4 ,stenhouse was absent seeking employment1 ,i thought ,i would make a display of my treasures and surprise him on his return4 ,accordingly1 with the assistance of our faithful domestic1 whom ,i had brought with me across the ,plains1 and who had also lived with me in ,switzerland1 we contrived to place two or three planks in such a way as to make a rough table on which to display the goods4 ,i had been secretly at work for about two weeks1 trimming the bonnets and hats1 and making a number of head-dresses1 such as were worn in ,new ,york when we left2 and1 although we had been three months on the ,plains1 and quite a month in ,utah1 yet those bonnets and head-dresses were of the very latest style to the ladies of ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,my ,swiss girl was quite a carpenter1 and when my temporary table was arranged1 ,i placed a pretty-looking cloth over it to hide its defects1 and then began to arrange the various articles4 ,i found that ,i had a much finer assortment than ,i had imagined1 for ,i had bought them at different times1 and had packed them away hurriedly1 lest ,mr4 ,stenhouse or some of the other ,elders--for there were generally one or two in the house--should object to my taking them4 ,when my table was filled1 and ,i found that ,i had still more to display1 ,i was very much pleased1 for ,i saw in my hats and bonnets1 flour1 meat1 and potatoes for my children1 and ,i felt hopeful1 for one of the sisters had assured me that ,i should be certain to sell them4 ,the next thing to do was to advertise my stock4 ,after some reflection1 ,i remembered another of the sisters1 who was quite a good talker1 and who felt very kindly towards me4 ,i had known her in ,england--she had been in ,utah about three years1 and her husband had by that time been blessed with two other wives4 ,she used to say that she had no patience with a set of grumbling women1 who did not know what was good for them4 ,i do not think that the blessedness enjoyed by her husband was shared by the two wives1 for more forlorn-looking women ,i never saw4 ,my husband1 however1 told me that this was none of my business1 and ,i believed him1 of course1 after the fashion of all good wives4 ,but to return4 ,this good sister1 besides being an excellent talker1 had really nothing else to do except visiting her neighbours1 for the other wives now took entire charge of all the household duties4 ,so ,i made her a present of a new bonnet1 as ,i knew that then in two days my goods would be quite sufficiently advertised2 and in this ,i was not mistaken4 ,almost the first visitors who called to see me were a lady and her daughter4 ,i talked freely to her and answered her inquiries1 and she told me that she herself had had some experience in the business4 8,in ,salt ,lake ,city10 she said1 8,i think you will not be able to sell those goods2 they are too fashionable for the people here1 and there is no encouragement given to any one in this business4 ,i am afraid you will be disappointed40 ,i believed every word she said1 and felt all my airy1 hopeful castles begin to crumble away4 ,before she left1 however1 she very kindly offered to purchase all my goods at a low figure and thus relieve me of the anxiety and trouble of selling them4 ,but ,i had had a little experience in the world1--although probably ,i appeared to her somewhat innocent1--and ,i thought that if she could sell them1 there was a chance at least that ,i also might be able to do so4 ,at any rate1 ,i resolved to try1 and ,i told her so1 when she left me with many kind wishes for my success4 ,but what she had said during her visit had chilled my enthusiasm1 and ,i pictured all my pretty newly-made articles becoming soiled and faded1 with no one to buy them2 while the little ones1 barefooted--like so many children in ,utah then--were running about crying for bread which ,i could not buy them4 ,i felt sad1 and1 if ,i must confess it1 ,i sat down and had a good cry4 ,just at that moment ,i heard a knock at the door1 and hastily drying my eyes1 ,i opened it1 and there stood my talkative friend4 8,stop crying60 she exclaimed4 8,what is the matter1 my dear8 ,oh do stop crying4 ,i don't like crying women3 we see so many of them among the ,saints of ,god that it is really a shame and a disgrace4 ,tell me what is the matter8 ,has your husband got another wife8 or are you afraid he won't be able to get one8 ,come1 tell me60 ,all this was uttered in a breath1 and without the possibility of my putting in a word by way of reply or remonstrance4 ,at last ,i told her that ,i had just had a visit from one of the sisters and her daughter1 whom ,i described4 8,i know10 she said2 8,i met her as ,i was coming here4 ,do you know who she is80 8,no10 ,i replied1 8,i do not think she told me her name2 she simply came to look at the goods40 8,and did she tell you that they would sell well1 and that they are the best investment that you could have made80 8,quite the contrary10 ,i said1 8she discouraged me so much that ,i could not help shedding tears40 8,well now10 she answered1 8that was ,mrs4 ,c----1 one of our milliners here2 and you suppose she was going to encourage you to set up an opposition shop1 do you8 ,if you do1 why1 you've got something yet to learn40 ,indeed ,i felt that ,i had got a great deal to learn4 8,now ,i have come to tell you quite a different story10 she said4 8,this very afternoon you will have at least a dozen ladies here2 and ladies1 too1 who have got the money to pay for what they have1 and who won't pay you in salt chips and whetstones40 8,do they ever pay in such things80 ,i inquired4 8,why certainly they do4 ,that is the kind of pay that the good ,saints generally expect their poor brethren and sisters to be satisfied with1 and to feed their hungry children upon4 ,but ,i say that this is wrong4 ,not that ,i want to set myself up as a judge in ,zion1 or that ,i should criticize the actions of the brethren1 ,god forbid6 ,but when ,i see the rich brethren grinding the faces of the poor in that way1 why1 ,i say that it is wrong4 ,but you must not take any such pay as that4 ,you may not always get money1 but you can at least get flour1 potatoes1 and molasses4 ,now1 ,i tell you that you are going to sell every article that you have got1 and ,i shall take pleasure in recommending you and talking about it4 ,why1 ,i've been to about two score people already2 but1 there6 ,i see your husband coming1 and ,i must go60 ,my husband1 indeed1 was there4 ,he was not very fond of my talkative friend1 and passed her by with a polite salutation only2 but when he saw what ,i had been doing1 the light dawned upon his mind1 he no longer wondered what had become of the dollars in ,new ,york1 and1 astonished at my success1 he congratulated me upon the good use to which ,i had put them4 ,after this interview ,i felt quite encouraged1 and ,i very soon found that my friend's predictions were correct4 ,i had no difficulty in selling1 and ,i created quite a little business1 although we lived a considerable distance from ,main ,street4 ,and what with my efforts1 and some employment which my husband obtained1 we contrived to get through our first winter in ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,but ,i anticipate4 ,one day my husband informed me that there was a house about to be vacated shortly1 and that ,brigham ,young had told him we had better take it4 ,it was pleasantly situated near the ,tabernacle1 and1 as houses then were1 it was quite a desirable residence4 ,we had it thoroughly cleaned1 and then moved in4 ,when ,i arrived in the evening ,i found that ,mr4 ,stenhouse1 with the assistance of our faithful ,swiss girl1 had arranged everything as the goods arrived from the other house2 and the place looked so clean1 and there was such a bright fire burning that ,i felt that we now had really something like a home1 and my heart was filled with gratitude4 ,soon after our establishment in our new home1 ,brigham sent for me and asked me to make a handsome bonnet for his then favourite wife ,emmeline4 ,he left it entirely to my taste2 ,i was to make just what ,i pleased1 so that it suited her and gave satisfaction4 ,i made my bonnet2 and when ,i presented it1 ,brigham ,young was so pleased that he immediately gave me an order to make one for each of his wives4 ,i was very much pleased at this1 for we needed furniture and many other necessaries very badly1 and ,i thought that this would enable me to get them4 ,i expected1 of course1 that my account would be paid in money1 for ,i did not suppose that the ,prophet of the ,lord would offer me chips or whetstones3 he could afford to pay cash1 and1 of course1 would do so4 ,he had furnished me with some material out of his own store--for ,brigham ,young had a dry-goods and grocery store of his own at that time--and ,i was to furnish the remainder4 ,it was very little indeed that he supplied1 and therefore my account was likely to amount to a considerable sum1 for almost every wife had at least one bonnet which she wished made over with new trimmings1 besides the new one4 ,i worked constantly for three weeks1 with the assistance of two girls1 to each of whom ,i paid six dollars a week besides board4 ,this was a difficult thing for me to do at that time in ,utah1 for money was seldom seen there then2 but ,i was rejoicing in the prospect of the comfortable new furniture which ,i should have when it was all done4 ,furniture at that time was very expensive2 there was nothing better than white pine articles1 stained or painted4 ,the commonest kind of wooden rocking-chair cost fifteen dollars1 and common painted wooden chairs were six dollars a piece1 with everything else in proportion4 ,this being our first winter1 we had not been able to get much1 and ,i thought ,i would devote the proceeds of the work ,i was doing for ,brigham to fitting up the house a little2 and1 with what ,i earned from my other customers1 ,i contrived to pay my help1 so as to have all the rest clear4 ,all was completed1 and great satisfaction expressed at the result of my labours4 ,so ,i asked my husband to present my account and1 if possible1 get it settled2 it amounted to about #bge dollars1 although ,i had dealt very liberally with the ,prophet1 and had charged for the goods but little more than they cost me4 ,when he returned1 ,i hastened to meet him1 for ,i had partly selected the furniture and ,i wanted to go and purchase it4 ,but ,i was like poor ,perrette1 the milkmaid1 who counted her chickens a little too soon2 for ,mr4 ,stenhouse told me that ,brother ,brigham had given orders that the amount should be credited to us for tithing6 ,what a shock this was to me2 for that sum1 small as it may appear1 was my whole fortune at the time1 and it was gone at one sweep6 8,can it be possible10 ,i said1 8that he can be so mean as that8 ,where can his conscience be8 or has he any2 to deprive me of my hard earnings in this way8 ,he shall not do it--,i will make him pay me40 ,my indignation was so great that ,i did not reflect how imprudent ,i was to talk thus of the ,prophet of the ,lord2 but my husband said1 8,what can you do8 ,you cannot help yourself4 ,you can do nothing but submit4 ,let us try to forget it2 or1 if not1 it will perhaps be a lesson to us40 ,but ,i did not forget it and never could1 although ,i tried very hard2 and when many months had passed1 and ,i no longer suffered from the effects of my loss1 ,i still remembered it1 and ,i always shall remember the way in which ,brigham paid for his wives' bonnets4 ,illustration3 ,,orson ,,hyde1 ,late ,president of the ,twelve ,apostles4 ,born ,january1 #ahje4 ,illustration3 ,,george ,q4 ,,cannon1 ,utah ,delegate to ,congress4 ,born in ,liverpool1 ,england1 #ahbg4 ,,chapter ,,xxi4 ,,mysteries ,,of ,,the ,,endowment ,,house--,,fearful ,,oaths ,,and ,,secret ,,ceremonies4 ,not many weeks after our arrival in ,salt ,lake ,city1 my husband told me that we might now enjoy the privilege of going through the ,endowment ,house4 ,this was intended as a great favour to us1 on the part of the authorities1 for most people have to wait a long while before receiving their ,endowments2 but my husband's influence and position in the ,church was1 ,i presume1 the reason why we were admitted so soon4 ,now1 ,i had heard so much of the ,endowments and the ,endowment ,house that ,i quite dreaded to pass through this ordeal4 ,the idea of the whole ceremony was1 that thereby we should receive the special grace of ,god2 be united1 man and woman1 making one perfect creature2 receive our inheritance as children of ,god2 and1 in fact1 be made partakers of the plenitude of every blessing4 ,i knew well that no marriage was considered binding unless it had been celebrated in that place4 ,i knew that the ,saints1 however long they might have been wedded1 were under the necessity of being reunited there before they could be considered lawfully married and their children legitimate4 ,according to the highest ,mormon authority1 no marriage is valid unless the ceremony is performed in the ,temple4 ,the ,temple is not yet built1 and as ,joseph1 the ,prophet1 said1 8,no fellow can be damned for doing the best he knows how10 the ,saints1 meanwhile1 do 8the next best thing10 and are married in the ,endowment ,house4 ,i knew that there and then the faithful were said to be 8endowed0 with their heavenly inheritance4 ,i saw how absolutely needful it was that my husband and myself should become partakers of those mysteries2 but ,i was influenced by the strange stories which ,i had heard of unhallowed and shameful doings in that same ,endowment ,house1 and consequently ,i feared to enter in4 ,my fears were not1 however1 altogether groundless or visionary4 ,it has been whispered--falsely perhaps--that in that ,endowment ,house scenes have been enacted so fearful that words would falter on the lips of those who told the tale concerning them4 ,i have heard of such things from men of integrity and honour2 but they were not eye-witnesses of what they related1 and they could not1 or would not1 give me their authorities4 ,one thing ,i am certain of2 if such horrible deeds were ever perpetrated within those walls1 there remains no living witness to testify of them4 ,the lips of those who alone could tell the whole truth are sealed in a silence which the trump of doom alone shall break4 ,it was1 of course1 no fear of any personal violence or any painful disclosures in that respect1 that made me reluctant to receive my ,endowments1 for at that time ,i was by profession apparently a good ,mormon2 if ,i had my doubts and misgivings1 ,i had them in common with nine-tenths of the ,mormon women1 and had therefore nothing to fear4 ,the true cause of my reluctance was of a more delicate and personal nature4 ,i had been informed that1 if ,i refused to go1 my husband could not go alone2 he would be compelled to take another wife1 and go with her4 ,this was not all4 ,i found that it was quite common for the ,elders to take a second wife when they took their first ,endowments1 and thus1 as they coarsely expressed it1 8kill two birds with one stone40 ,moreover1 ,i had heard of men who feared to introduce ,polygamy into their households1 presenting to their wives1 while going through the ,house1 a young girl as their intended bride1 feeling sure that the wife would not dare to make a scene before the ,assembly4 ,how could ,i know that my husband also had not such an idea in his mind8 ,true1 ,i trusted him implicitly1 and did not believe it possible that he could deceive me4 ,but had not men who were universally known for their integrity and honour acted in the same way to their wives2 and with so many evidences of the best and most honest natures being corrupted by the unrighteous teachings of their religion1 could ,i be blamed for doubting him whom ,i loved best8 ,there was also another reason why ,i particularly objected to passing through the ,endowment ,house4 ,i had been told many strange and revolting stories about the ceremonies which were there performed1 for it was said that in the ,nauvoo ,temple the most disgraceful things were done4 ,about what was done at ,nauvoo ,i can say nothing1 as it was before my time1 but still it is only fair to say1 that people who in every other relation in life ,i should have deemed most reliable and trustworthy were my informants respecting those strange stories4 ,of the ,endowments in ,utah ,i can1 of course1 speak more positively1 as ,i myself passed through them2 and ,i wish to say most distinctly that1 although the initiation of the ,saints into 8,the ,kingdom10 appears now to my mind as a piece of the most ridiculous absurdity1 there was1 nevertheless1 nothing in it indecent or immoral--of which the reader himself shall presently be the judge4 ,it is an invariable rule among the ,mormons1 as ,i have before intimated1 for every man or woman to mind his or her own business1 and nothing else4 ,thus it was1 that until ,i myself went through the ,endowments1 ,i was totally ignorant of what they were2 although1 of course1 many people1 with whom ,i had daily intercourse could easily have enlightened me if they had been thus minded4 ,besides this1 every ,mormon's mouth was closed by the oath of that same ,endowment ,house--the penalty of which was death1 a penalty which no one doubted would be sternly enforced4 ,thus1 totally in the dark1 and remembering only the strange stories told about 8washings0 and 8anointings10 and an imitation of the ,garden of ,eden1 with ,adam and ,eve clothed in their own innocence alone1 it can be no wonder that any modest woman should wish to evade all participation in such scenes4 ,i spoke to my husband about it1 and he tried to reassure me1 but what he said had rather a contrary effect4 ,before we left ,england1 when speaking of these ceremonies1 my husband told me that they were simply a privilege and a matter of choice4 ,but what a choice6 ,i might go or refuse to go2 but1 if ,i refused1 he must--if he went through it all--take another wife in my place1 and1 as ,i knew1 there would be no difficulty in finding one4 ,i should in consequence be known as a rebellious woman2 annoyance and indignity would be heaped upon me2 while within my own home ,i should be compelled to occupy the position of second wife--as the one who is married first in the ,endowment ,house is considered the first wife1 and has the control of everything4 ,my husband told me that now he was most anxious to go2 he had already been notified three times that such was his privilege1 and there were1 he said1 good reasons why we ought gladly to accept the opportunity4 ,it was an honour1 he said1 for which many people had waited for years4 ,my husband reminded me that we had been married by a ,gentile1 and while living among ,gentiles1 and that1 as ,i said before1 our marriage was not valid1 and our children were not legitimate4 ,only those children of ours who were born after the ceremony in the ,endowment ,house would be legitimate2 the others were outcasts from the 8,kingdom0 unless we adopted them after our initiation1 and thus made them heirs4 ,in any case1 poor children1 they could never be considered the real heirs2 they could only be 8heirs by adoption40 ,so ,i agreed to go1 trying to persuade myself that it was a sacred duty2 for1 although my faith in ,mormonism had been roughly shaken1 ,i still believed that its origin was divine4 ,the ,temple robe1 which is a long1 loose1 flowing garment1 made of white linen or bleached muslin1 and reaching to the ankle1 had been placed upon us just before we took the oaths4 ,it was gathered to a band about twelve inches long1 which rested on the right shoulder1 passed across the breast1 and came together under the left arm1 and was then fastened by a linen belt4 ,this leaves the left arm entirely free4 ,the veil consists of a large square of ,swiss muslin1 gathered in one corner so as to form a sort of cap to fit the head2 the remainder falls down as a veil4 ,the men wear the same kind of under garment as the women1 and their robes are the same1 but their head-dress is a round piece of linen drawn up with a string and a bow in front1 something after the fashion of a ,scotch cap4 ,all good ,mormons1 after they have received their first ,endowments1 get whole suits of ,temple robes made on purpose for them1 so that they may be ready for use at any time when they are needed4 ,all marriages in the ,endowment ,house are performed in these robes1 and in them all ,saints who have received their ,endowments are buried4 ,besides our robes we were instructed to take with us a bottle of the best olive oil4 ,at seven o'clock in the morning of the day appointed1 we presented ourselves at the door of the ,endowment ,house1 and were admitted by ,brother ,lyon1 the ,mormon poet4 ,everything within was beautifully neat and clean1 and a solemn silence pervaded the whole place4 ,the only sound that could be heard was the splashing of water1 but whence the sound proceeded we could not see4 ,in spite of myself1 a feeling of dread and uncertainty respecting what ,i had to go through would steal over my mind1 and ,i earnestly wished that the day was over4 ,we waited patiently for a little while1 and presently a man entered and seated himself at a table placed there for that purpose1 upon which was a large book4 ,he opened the book1 and then calling each person in turn1 he took their names and ages1 and the names of their fathers and mothers1 and carefully entered each particular in the book4 ,our bottles of oil were then taken from us1 and we were supposed to be ready for the ceremony4 ,first we were told to take off our shoes1 and leave them in the anteroom1 and then to take up our bundles and pass into another room beyond4 ,this was a large bath-room1 which was divided down the middle by a curtain of heavy material placed there for the purpose of separating the men from the women4 ,here my husband left me--he going to the men's and ,i to the women's division4 ,in the bath-room were two or three large bathing-tubs supplied by streams of hot and cold water4 ,we were as much concealed from the men as if we had been in an entirely separate room1 and everything was very quiet and orderly4 ,miss ,eliza ,r4 ,snow1 the poetess1 and a ,mrs4 ,whitney1 were the officiating attendants on that occasion4 ,the former conducted me to one of the bathing-tubs1 and placing me in it1 she proceeded to wash me from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet4 ,as she did this she repeated various formulas to the effect that ,i was now washed clean from the blood of this generation and should never1 if ,i remained faithful1 be partaker in the plagues and miseries which were about to come upon the earth4 ,when ,i had thus been washed clean1 she wiped me dry1 and then taking a large horn filled with the olive oil which we had brought1 she anointed me4 ,the oil was poured from the horn by ,mrs4 ,whitney into the hand of ,eliza ,snow1 who then applied it to me4 ,the horn was said to be the horn of plenty which1 like the widow's cruse of oil1 would never fail as long as the ordinance should continue to be administered4 ,in addition to the crown of my head1 my eyes1 ears1 and mouth were also anointed2 my eyes that they might be quick to see1 my ears that they might be apt at hearing1 and my mouth that ,i might with wisdom speak the words of eternal life4 ,she also anointed my feet1 that they might be swift to run in the ways of the ,lord4 ,i was then given a certain garment to put on4 ,now this garment is one peculiar to the ,mormon people4 ,it is made so as to envelope the whole body1 and it is worn night and day4 ,i was told that after having once put it on1 ,i must never wholly take it off before putting on another1 but that ,i should change one half at a time1 and that if ,i did so ,i should be protected from disease1 and even from death itself2 for the bullet of an enemy would not penetrate that garment1 and that from it even the dagger's point should be turned aside4 ,it has been said that the ,prophet ,joseph carelessly left off this peculiar garment on the day of his death1 and that1 had he not done so1 the rifles of his assassins would have been harmless against him4 ,when thus arrayed1 ,i proceeded to put on a white nightdress and skirt1 stockings1 and white linen shoes4 ,a new name was then whispered into my ear1 which ,i was told ,i must never mention to any living soul except my husband in the ,endowment ,house4 ,this name was taken from the ,bible1 and ,i was given to understand that it would be the name whereby ,i should be admitted into the celestial kingdom4 ,this was of course very gratifying4 ,a circumstance1 however1 occurred which took from me all the pride which might have been mine in the possession of a new name4 ,there was among our number a deaf woman2 ,mrs4 ,whitney had to tell her her name once or twice over1 loud enough for me to hear1 and thus ,i found that her new name1 as well as mine1 was ,sarah4 ,to make the matter worse1 another sister whispered1 8,why1 that is my name too40 ,this entirely dispelled any enthusiasm which otherwise ,i might have felt4 ,i could well understand that ,i might yet become a ,sarah in ,israel1 but if we all were ,sarahs1 there would not be much distinction or honour in being called by that name4 ,as a matter of course ,i supposed that the men would all become ,abrahams4 ,our washing and anointing being now over1 we were ready for the initiation--there were about fifteen couples in all4 ,a voice from behind the curtain asked ,miss ,snow if we were ready1 and was answered in the affirmative4 ,we were then arranged in a row1 the curtain was drawn aside1 and we stood face to face with the men1 who had1 of course1 on their side of the curtain1 been put through the same ordeal4 ,i felt dreadfully nervous1 for ,i did not know what was coming next1 and ,i could not quite dismiss from my mind the stories that ,i had heard about these mysteries4 ,but in spite of my nervousness1 curiosity was strong in me at that moment1 as it was1 ,i suppose1 in the others2 for1 as soon as the curtain was drawn aside1 we all cast our eyes in the direction of the men4 ,they1 as might be expected1 were looking in our direction1 and when ,i beheld them ,i must say that my sympathies were drawn out towards the poor creatures4 ,however little vanity or personal pride they possessed1 they must have felt it unpleasant to have to appear in the presence of ladies in such a dress--or rather undress2 and notwithstanding the solemn meaning of the ceremony1 there was just the ghost of a smile upon our faces as we looked at each other and dropped our eyes again4 ,to any one who did not feel as we did the religious nature of the initiation1 the scene must have appeared perfectly ludicrous4 ,in fact1 some of us felt it so4 ,one sister1 just as the curtain was drawn up and we came in full view of our lords1 cried out1 8,oh dear1 oh dear1 where shall ,i go8 ,what shall ,i do80 ,this1 as may be supposed1 caused a laugh1 which was1 of course1 immediately suppressed4 ,we could see how the men looked1 but of our own appearance we could not so easily judge4 ,certainly1 we must have looked anything but handsome in our white garments1 and with the oil trickling down our faces and into our eyes1 making them smart and look red4 ,there was nothing1 however1 for us to do but to submit quietly and make the best of it we could4 ,ashamed as ,i was1 ,i thought ,i might venture to look at my husband2 there could be no harm in that2 but when ,i saw his demure-looking countenance and his efforts to keep his clothing in order1 ,i thought ,i should be compelled to laugh outright1 for ,i could see that his thoughts were more occupied about his personal appearance than with the solemnity of the occasion4 ,the men were all dressed in the same kind of garment as the women--drawers and shirt all in one1 very much like those which are used for children to sleep in1 and over that an ordinary white shirt1 such as men always wear2 that1 with socks and white linen shoes1 completed their toilet4 ,clad after this interesting fashion1 we sat opposite to each other for several minutes1 and then my husband and myself were instructed to come forward and kneel at the altar while all the rest remained standing4 ,it is the custom thus to select two persons1 and we were either picked out by chance1 or it might be1 as my husband was thought a good deal of by the authorities1 that they considered he would feel honoured by the preference4 ,suddenly a voice was heard speaking to some one1 who also replied4 ,this voice from the unseen was supposed to be the voice of ,elohim in conversation with ,jehovah1 and the words that were used were much the same as those contained in the first chapter of the book of ,genesis1 describing the creation of the world4 ,finally1 ,jehovah and ,elohim declare their intention to come down and visit the earth4 ,this they do1 and pronounce all that they behold very good2 but they declare that it is necessary that one of a higher order of intelligence than the brute creation should be placed in the world to govern and control all else4 ,michael the ,archangel is now called1 and he is placed upon the earth under the name of ,adam1 and power is given him over all the beasts of the field1 the fowls of the air1 and the fishes of the sea4 ,moreover1 the fruits of the earth are all given to him for his sustenance and pleasure2 but he is strictly charged1 as in ,bible story1 not to eat of one particular tree which stands in the midst of the garden4 ,this tree is represented by a small real evergreen1 and a few bunches of dried raisins are hung upon it as fruit4 ,it is now discovered that it is not good for man to be alone2 ,elohim and ,jehovah1 therefore1 hold another conversation upon that subject1 and they finally determine to give a companion to ,adam4 ,they1 therefore1 cause a deep sleep to fall upon ,michael--or ,adam as he is now called--and they prepare to operate upon him4 ,here we were all instructed to assume the attitude of deep sleep by dropping our heads upon our breasts4 ,elohim and ,jehovah then come down and go through the motions of removing a rib from the side of the sleeper1 which said rib appears immediately upon the scene in the person of ,eliza ,r4 ,snow4 ,elohim and ,jehovah are generally represented by two of the ,twelve ,apostles4 ,when ,brigham is present he plays a prominent part4 ,and now the devil makes his appearance in the person of ,w4 ,w4 ,phelps4 ,phelps used always to personate the devil in the ,endowments1 and the rle suited him admirably4 ,he is dead now1 but whether it has made any difference in his status ,i cannot tell1 nor do ,i know who has succeeded him in his office4 ,the devil wears a very tight-fitting suit of black muslin1 with knee-breeches and black stockings and slippers4 ,this dress had all the appearance of a theatrical costume1 and the man looked as much like what one might imagine the devil would look as he possibly could4 ,he began by trying to scrape acquaintance with ,eve1 whom he meets while taking a walk in the garden4 ,the innocent1 unsuspecting woman is fascinated by his attentions4 ,father ,adam--who seems to have had a touch of the ,mormon about him--perhaps was not the most attentive of husbands2 or he may have made the same mistake as that which so many of his sons have since made--neglecting to pay the same attentions after marriage as he was wont to before--and left his young wife to the mercy of the tempter4 ,however that may be1 ,satan and ,eve are soon discovered in conversation together1 and ,eve appears to be particularly pleased with ,satan4 ,at length he offers her some of the fruit of the forbidden tree1 and after some little demur she accepts it and eats thereof4 ,then the devil leaves her1 ,adam makes his appearance1 and ,eve persuades him also to eat of the fruit of the tree4 ,after this they make a dumb show of perceiving their condition1 and an apron of white linen is produced1 on which are sewn pieces of green silk1 in imitation of fig leaves1 and in these they both attire themselves4 ,then all the brethren and sisters produced similar aprons which they had brought with them on purpose1 and these they put on1 as ,adam and ,eve had already done4 ,elohim now appeared again1 and called ,adam2 but ,adam was afraid1 and hid himself in the garden with ,eve4 ,the curse was now pronounced upon the serpent--the devil--who reappears upon his hands and knees1 making a hissing noise as one might suppose a serpent would do4 ,we were then all driven out of the ,garden of ,eden into another room which represented the world--and this ended the 8,first ,degree40 ,we were now supposed to be out in the world1 earning our daily bread by the sweat of our brows1 and we were informed that although we had been driven out from the presence of the ,lord1 yet a plan of salvation would be devised for us1 by which we should be enabled to return to our first estate4 ,we were to wait patiently until this plan should be disclosed to us4 ,there was here such a mixture of persons and events that ,i could not exactly follow the idea that was intended to be conveyed--if there was any idea at all4 ,men representing the ancient prophets entered1 and gave instructions to the people to prepare themselves for the first coming of our ,saviour upon earth4 ,then we were taught certain pass-words and grips2 and then we were all arranged in a circle4 ,the women covered their faces with their veils1 and we all kneeled down1 and1 with our right hands uplifted towards heaven1 we took the solemn oath of obedience and secrecy4#a ,we swore that by every means in our power we would seek to avenge the death of ,joseph ,smith1 the ,prophet1 upon the ,gentiles who had caused his murder1 and that we would teach our children to do so2 we swore1 that without murmur or questioning1 we would implicitly obey the commands of the priesthood in everything2 we swore that we would not commit adultery--which1 with reference to the men1 was explained to mean the taking of wives without the permission of the holy ,priesthood2 and we swore that we would never1 under any circumstances1 reveal that which transpired in the ,endowment ,house4 ,the penalty for breaking this oath1 which was worded in the most startling and impressive way1 was then explained to us4 ,his bowels were--while he was yet living--to be torn from him1 his throat was to be cut from ear to ear1 and his heart and tongue were to be cut out4 ,in the world to come1 everlasting damnation would be his portion4 ,let not the reader think that this was merely an imaginary penalty1 or that it was expressed merely for the purpose of frightening the weak-minded2 for1 as will be shown1 punishments quite as horrible as that have been deliberately meted out to the ,apostate1 the ,gentile1 and the suspected ,saint1 by the ,mormon ,priesthood4 ,the innocent blood which cries for vengeance against ,brigham ,young and some of the leaders of the ,church is sufficient to weigh the purest spirit which stands before the throne of ,god down to the nethermost abysses of hell4 ,after these fearful oaths had been taken with due solemnity1 we were instructed in the various signs representing those dreadful penalties2 and we were also given a 8grip0 peculiar to this degree4 ,we were next entertained by a long address from the ,apostle ,heber ,c4 ,kimball4--,never in my life--except from ,brigham ,young--have ,i listened to such disgusting language1 and ,i trust ,i never shall be compelled to listen to anything like it again4 ,brother ,kimball always used to pride himself upon using 8plain0 language1 but that day ,i think he surpassed himself2 he seemed to take quite a pleasure in saying anything which could make us blush4 ,the subject of which he discoursed was the married life in the 8,celestial ,order20 he also laid great stress upon the necessity of our keeping silence concerning all that we had witnessed in the ,endowment ,house--even husbands to their wives1 and wives to their husbands1 were not to utter a single word4 ,with the sermon ended our 8,second ,degree40 ,we were now taken to another room for the purpose of passing through the 8,third ,degree0 of the ,order of the ,melchisedec ,priesthood4 ,when we were all arranged on one side against the wall1 a number of individuals entered who were supposed to represent the ministers of every denomination and religion upon the face of the earth4 ,the devil also makes his appearance again4 ,the ministers set forth the various claims of their respective creeds--each one striving to show that his is the purest and the best--but the devil sows division and hatred among them1 and a good deal of confusion ensues4 ,then came in personages representing ,peter1 ,james1 and ,john1 the ,apostles2 and they commanded ministers1 devil1 and all to depart4 ,they then appeared to organize a new ,church1 in which the true principles of the ,gospel were to be taught2 our ,temple robes were also all changed from the right shoulder to the left1 indicating that we were now in the true ,church1 and that we were to be absolutely and in every way dependent upon the priesthood4 ,another grip was then given to us1 and thus we received the third degree of the ,order of ,melchisedec ,priesthood4 ,in that room was a division made of bleached muslin2 in the division a door and in the door a hole1 with a lap of muslin over it1 through which to pass the hand4 ,whoever was on the other side could see us1 but we could not see them4 ,the men first approached this door4 ,a person representing the ,apostle ,peter appeared at the opening and demanded who was there4 ,he was told that some one desired to enter4 ,hands came through the opening in the muslin curtain1 and mysterious fingers cut a mark on the left breast of the men's shirts--one mark also over the abdomen1 and one over the right knee--which marks the women religiously imitated upon their own garments when they got home4 ,the applicant was then told to put his hand through the opening1 and give the last grip belonging to the 8,third ,degree10 and mention his new name4 ,he was then permitted to enter4 ,this was called 8going behind the veil40 ,when the men were all admitted1 the women were suffered to approach1 and were passed through by their own husbands4 ,when a woman has no husband she is passed through by one of the brethren1 and to those who are not going to be married or sealed for eternity here the ceremonies end4 ,now1 as ,i before stated1 according to ,mormon ideas we had never before been legally married4 ,it was therefore1 necessary that we should now pass through that ceremony4 ,we accordingly were conducted to a desk1 where our names were entered1 and we were then passed into another room4 ,in that room was a long1 low altar1 covered with red velvet1 and an armchair placed at one end of it1 in which sat ,brigham ,young4 ,my husband knelt at one side of the altar and ,i at the other1 with our hands clasped above it in the last grip which had been given to us4 ,then the ordinary formula of marriage was gone through with1 and we were informed that we were sealed for time and for eternity4 ,thus we passed through the mysteries of the ,endowment ,house1 and at three o'clock in the afternoon we found ourselves at liberty to return home4 ,the various ceremonies had occupied eight hours4 ,when we reached home1 my husband said1 8,well1 what do you think of the ,endowments80 ,but ,i did not dare to answer him truthfully at that time4 ,had ,i done so1 ,i should have told him that ,i was ashamed and disgusted4 ,never in all my life did ,i suffer such humiliation as ,i did that day2 for the whole time ,i was under the impression that those who officiated looked upon us as a set of silly dupes1 and ,i felt annoyed to think that ,i dared not tell them so4 ,so ,i told my husband that ,i would rather not speak about it1 and we never have spoken of it to this day4 ,what were his own feelings about the matter1 ,i do not know1 for ,mormon wives are taught never to pry into their husband's feelings or meddle with their actions4 ,but notwithstanding all my feelings in reference to the ,endowments1 so foolish was ,i that when ,i afterwards heard the brethren and sisters talking about the happiness which they had experienced while going through1 and saying how privileged we ought to feel at being in ,zion among the ,saints of ,god1 secure in ,his ,kingdom where we could bring up our children in the fear of the ,lord1 ,i began again to think that the fault was all in myself1 and that it was ,i who was wrong and not the ,endowments4 ,i wondered how1 with such a rebellious heart1 ,i should ever get salvation1 and ,i mourned to think that ,i had not accepted everything with the simplicity of a child4 ,some time after our initiation ,i met the ,apostle ,heber ,c4 ,kimball1 and he asked me how ,i felt upon the occasion4 ,i frankly told him all1 but added that ,i regretted feeling so4 ,he said1 8,i shall see if you cannot go through again2 it is not just the thing1 and ,i shall try and make the opportunity40 ,nothing more1 however1 was said about it4 ,but that which troubled me most was the fact that while the oaths were being administered1 ,i dropped my hand and inwardly vowed that ,i would never subscribe to such things1 and at the same time my heart was filled with bitter opposition4 ,this1 although ,i did it involuntarily--my better nature rising within me1 and overcoming my superstition--,i thought at the time was sinful4 ,i now1 however1 rejoice that such was the case2 for not having actually vowed to keep secret those abominable oaths1 ,i can say1 without any cavil or equivocation1 that ,i have broken no promise and betrayed no trust by the revelations which ,i have just made4 ,,chapter ,,xxii4 ,,secrets ,,of ,,saintly ,,spouses3--,a ,,visit ,,from ,,my ,,talkative ,,friend4 ,not long after ,i had received my ,endowments1 my talkative friend1 of whom ,i have already spoken1 came to see me and to offer her congratulations4 ,she was quite enthusiastic upon the subject1 spoke of the honour which had been conferred upon us1 and promised to call frequently 8to build me up40 ,she was particularly anxious to learn whether ,i did not feel much better and happier now4 ,on that point ,i could say little1 for to have answered her truthfully would have provoked discussion1 into which ,i did not care to enter4 ,i knew1 too1 that anything ,i said to her would soon be known to every one else4 ,so ,i told her that ,i was feeling well enough4 8#8,well enough6'0 she said4 8,is that how you feel8 ,come now1 ,i thought you would have got over all that when you had been through your ,endowments4 ,you remind me of what ,brother ,brigham says1--,we have so many whining women in ,zion that it is quite a reproach4 ,i do hope that you are not going to become one of them4 ,let me give you a bit of advice3 ,the wisest thing that you can do is to look out for another wife for your husband1 and get him to marry her40 8,oh my60 ,i said2 8what are you talking about8 ,you surely cannot be in earnest40 8,i never was more earnest in my life10 she answered4 8,if you had persuaded your husband to take another wife when you went through your ,endowments1 you would have got over all your troubles at one time4 ,the anticipation is ten times worse than the reality40 8,i do not see it in that light10 ,i said4 8,my own opinion is that my troubles in that case would only then have begun4 ,i do not think that you yourself are really happy40 8,oh1 nonsense60 she exclaimed4 8,why you can see how happy ,i am4 ,my husband has two other wives1 besides myself1 and a more comfortable family could not be40 8,you never told me10 ,i said1 8how your husband managed to get those wives4 ,i should like to hear40 8,my husband managed6 ,why he did not manage at all2 it was ,i who arranged everything for him1 and ,i'll tell you how it was done4 8,during the ,reformation10 she continued1 8you1 of course1 know the men were constantly urged to take more wives2 but my husband was rather backward1 and used to tell me there was plenty of time1 and not the slightest occasion for him to be in a hurry4 ,i had my own opinion of the matter and did not agree with him1 for you see ,i was afraid that after all1 he would pick up some young girl or other and fall in love with her1 and all my plans would be disarranged4 ,it is1 you know much the best for the first wife to look out for some girl who will look up to her and respect her1 but not love her husband too much1 and then they are likely to get on well together4 ,if the first wife selects the other wives1 it has the effect of showing them that the husband thinks much of her judgment and is willing to abide by it1 and that they will have to do the same4 ,this1 of course1 is as it should be4 ,but if she lets her husband choose his own wife1 he is almost certain to take a fancy to some one whom the first wife does not like at all1 and consequently her authority is undermined4 ,the first wife ought to keep all the power in her own hands40 8,well10 ,i said1 8,i should not care much1 ,i think1 who ruled in my home if another wife was there40 8,you think so now10 she replied2 8but when you get used to polygamy you will feel quite otherwise4 ,people get used to it--the women as well as the men--and then they leave off fretting and become less selfish4 ,but ,i was going to tell you how ,i managed my husband4 8,i was very anxious1 as ,i told you1 to find another wife for him1 and ,i took into consideration all the suitable girls ,i knew4 ,there was some objection to almost every one4 ,some were too pretty and ,i knew ,i should detest them2 and others were not good-looking1 and those my husband could not bear4 ,so ,i waited patiently1 but did not give up the hope of succeeding eventually4 ,at last ,i met with a girl who ,i thought would do4 ,she was certainly not bad-looking1 but she was very young1 and ,i thought ,i should be able to manage her4 ,the name of this girl was ,alice ,maynard2 she was a neighbour of ours1 and one of a large family4 ,she seemed to me to be a quiet modest little creature1 and ,i knew that she had to work hard and received very little in return4 ,in fact1 she led at home a life of drudgery1 and even her very clothing bore witness to the poverty of the family4 ,her mother had often told me that she felt badly for ,alice1 for ,mr4 ,maynard had three other wives1 and it was more than he could do to support them all properly4 8,i called one day on ,mrs4 ,maynard to broach the matter to her4 ,she received me very kindly1 and entered into my views at once4 ,she was anxious1 she said1 for ,alice to get married1 for then she would be better off4 ,i asked her how she would like her to marry my husband1 and told her that we were very comfortably off--as you know we are--and that my husband owned his house and lot1 and was doing a very good business1 and1 of course1 ought to take another wife4 ,would she agree to my proposal1 and let me mention ,alice to him8 8,she said she herself had no objection1 but that perhaps my husband might not like ,alice1 or ,alice might not like him4 8,i felt indignant at the idea that any girl should hesitate to marry my husband1 and ,i told ,sister ,maynard that there could not possibly be any hesitation on ,alice's part4 #8,i'm sure ,i have no objection1' she said1 #8if ,alice has none4 ,i should only be too happy to see my child in a more comfortable home4' 8,well1 then1 we'll consider the matter settled1 ,i said1 and asked if ,i could see ,alice2 so her mother called her in1 and ,i proposed to her for my husband4 ,you can guess1 perhaps1 how astonished ,i was when she actually laughed in my face1 and said she should like to consider the matter6 ,i did not1 however1 show her what ,i thought1 but assented to what she said1 and invited her to come and take tea with us4 8,my husband had often told me1 when ,i was teasing him about taking another wife1 that he would willingly marry any girl ,i might choose for him2 and ,i felt pleased at this1 for it showed confidence in my judgment4 ,so when he came in1 later in the day1 ,i told him ,i had found a wife for him at last1 and that ,i knew he would like her4 #8,why1 ,ann1' he said1 #8,i do believe you are going crazy over the wife question2 but if you are1 ,i do not want you to drive me crazy also4' ,i really thought this was too bad1 after all my trouble for him2 but nevertheless ,i was resolved that the marriage should take place4 8,three days after that1 in accordance with my invitation1 ,alice came to take tea with us1 and ,i fixed her up to look nice4 ,when she was ready1 ,i took her into the parlour to introduce her to my husband1 who was sitting there reading4 ,henry1 ,i said1 this is ,miss ,maynard--the young lady of whom ,i spoke to you the other day4 ,he looked up from his paper1 and1 to my astonishment1 said1 #8,why1 ,alice1 my girl1 how do you do8 ,how are mother and father8' 8#8,what1 ,i said1 do you know ,alice1 ,henry8'0 8#8,certainly ,i do10 he answered2 #8,alice and ,i have met many times before this1 haven't we1 ,alice8' 8#8,yes1 sir1' she said1 and1 oh1 so demurely4 ,why1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 ,i began to think that ,i had actually been deceived1 and that while ,i had innocently supposed that ,i had found out the girl myself1 it was the very one upon whom my husband had had his eye for a long while past4 ,i watched them1 however1 very narrowly1 for ,i was determined that if my husband had really taken a fancy for the girl he should never have her40 8,why1 that would have facilitated matters1 would it not80 ,i said4 8,do you think10 she replied1 8that ,i would have allowed them to marry if they loved each other8 ,no1 indeed6 ,the ,saints marry from principle and not from love1 as ,brother ,brigham has often told us4 ,i hope you believe me1 dear1 when ,i say that ,i am not at all a jealous woman1 but if my husband dared to fall in love with a girl and to hide it from me1 ,i could not stand it ,i am sure4 ,no6 principle is the only thing--there can be no love in ,polygamy4 ,if a man loved his wife1 do you think he could have the heart to pain her by taking another8 ,on the other hand1 it is because of the love which still remains in their hearts1 and which they weary themselves to crush out1 that so many of the first wives are miserable4 ,but ,i was going to tell you about ,alice4 ,i was mistaken in thinking that my husband had been paying her any attentions4 ,it appeared that he was acquainted with her father and mother1 and that at their house he had frequently seen the child ,alice1 but never supposed she was the ,miss ,maynard of whom ,i had spoken4 ,but now they had come together at last he took to her kindly and she to him1 and really ,i sometimes almost thought they wished to ignore me altogether4 8,i did not let them waste much time fussing with one another1 but they got on very rapidly1 nevertheless2 and before ,i had time to arrange matters properly1 my husband told me that to please me he was going to marry ,alice4 ,only fancy me being pleased at him marrying ,alice6 ,why1 it wasn't to please myself that ,i introduced the child to him1 but simply because1 if he must have another wife1 it was certainly best for me to choose one whom ,i could manage4 ,however1 they were married not long after1 and really ,i think ,i never was more disgusted in my life than ,i was on that occasion4 ,i was not jealous1 but ,i do think he might have paid her a little less attention4 ,in fact ,i quite regretted1 when it was too late1 that ,i had ever brought them together4 8,the ,mormon men always do make themselves silly over their new wives1 and ,i did not expect my husband to be an exception to the rule2 but ,i was perfectly astonished at the change that took place in ,alice4 ,instead of the quiet1 modest girl she used to be1 she put on all sorts of airs1 and treated me as if ,i were of not the slightest consequence4 ,i couldn't stand that1 and ,i resolved1 if it were only to take the pride out of her1 ,i would get my husband to marry another wife still4 ,he wouldn't object1 ,i knew1 for he takes life very easily1 and he has a great respect for my opinion4 ,besides which1 he is quite well enough off to support three wives2 and as a matter of duty1 if nothing else1 he ought to do so4 ,that would soon bring ,miss ,alice to a proper state of mind1 and she needed something of the sort2 for1 do you know1 she had actually made that silly husband of mine think that she ought to be treated with the same consideration as myself40 8,well1 but10 ,i said1 8if the principle of polygamy is of ,god1 it is only just that all the wives should be treated alike4 ,if my husband were to marry another woman1 much as it would pain me1 ,i should treat her as an equal40 8,then10 she replied1 8if you do so you will find that the first wives will have nothing to do with you4 ,you will find1 when you come to be better acquainted with the people here1 that the first wives do not waste much love over the polygamic wives2 and1 of course1 as a rule1 the polygamic wives detest the first wives4 ,then the plural wives get together and talk all manner of evil about the first wives1 who do pretty much the same in respect to them4 ,it is only natural that they should do so4 8,but ,i was going to tell you10 she continued1 8how ,i selected the third wife4 ,there was an emigrant-train expected in every day2 and you know1 when the emigrants arrive1 all those women who want wives for their husbands1 and all those men who want to choose for themselves1 go down to the camping-ground1 and if they see a girl who takes their fancy they ask her if she has got a place to go to1 and if she has not they offer to receive her themselves4 ,there are hundreds of young girls who arrive here without any one to look after them1 and who are only too glad to accept a home for the winter4 ,now this was exactly what ,i did4 ,i went down to the camp and looked round for myself1 and at last my eyes rested upon a young woman of about thirty or thirty-five years of age1 who ,i thought would be a more suitable wife for my husband than that giggling chit that ,i chose for him at first4 ,i decided at once that she would do1 so ,i went up to her and asked her if she had any friends4 ,she said she had a brother living in the ,city2 but when ,i explained to her how we were situated1 and said that ,i should like her to come and stay with us till she could look round a little for herself1 she agreed at once4 ,now--,i thought--,miss ,alice1 we shall see whether you are going to have things all your own way any longer6 8,i told her1 however1 as well as my husband1 that ,i had brought home a sister to stay with us a while1 and they received her very kindly1 and she soon made herself very useful and agreeable to us all4 ,the bishop came and talked to my husband1 and he made no difficulty at all in acceding to my wishes1 and before long he made our visitor wife number three2 and ,alice1 as a matter of course1 lost a good deal of her influence over him4 ,for my own part1 ,i am much more comfortable4 ,the two plural wives do nearly all the work1 and ,i have little else to do than superintend the household and enjoy myself4 ,my husband is one of those quiet sort of men who never interfere with domestic affairs1 and ,i have matters pretty much my own way now4 ,the only thing that annoys me is his fondness for ,alice1 who makes herself appear most amiable to him1 deceitful thing6 ,i can't break him of that1 but ,i often tell him that he will find her out some day4 ,he tells me that he looks upon her as a child1 and feels like a father towards her2 no woman1 he says1 can ever have his love but me4 ,that sounds all very well2 but as to believing it1 that is quite another thing--,i keep my eye on them1 and watch them well40 8,but10 ,i said1 8it appears to me that it would have been far better if you had never given him another wife at all1 you would have been saved from annoyance1 and the privacy of your home would not have been disturbed4 ,i am the more surprised1 as your husband did not himself desire it40 8,when you understand better the order of the kingdom1 you will not speak in that way10 she said4 8,do you suppose that ,i shall be satisfied to be the wife of a man who could not exalt me in the celestial kingdom--a man with only one wife8 ,why ,i have often told my husband that if he did not get other wives ,i would leave4 ,it is necessary for a man to have two wives1 at least1 if he would enter into the celestial kingdom4 ,that is why ,i have been so anxious to get wives for my husband4 ,at the same time there is no necessity for him to fall in love1 and act in a silly way over them4 ,the only way in such a case is to set one to watch the other1 and then they are pretty certain to keep the old man straight4 ,you think1 perhaps1 that ,i don't feel all this1 but you must not be deceived by appearances4 ,i try to do the will of heaven with a smile on my face2 and the brethren have often told me that if the other sisters were more like me they would not have so much difficulty in establishing ,polygamy4 ,but1 dear me1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 what a long talk we've had6 ,i'll come and see you soon again1 but ,i must hasten away now1 for my husband will be home to supper by this time40 ,so she left me wondering over her strange story of a woman's experience in supplying her own husband with wives4 ,,chapter ,,xxiii4 ,,social ,,life ,,in ,,salt ,,lake ,,city3--,,ball-,,rooms1 8,,wall-,,flowers10 ,,and ,,divorce4 ,we had not been long in ,salt ,lake ,city before the ball-season commenced4 ,these balls afford splendid opportunities to the men for flirting with the girls4 ,no matter how old and homely a man is1 he thinks that he has as much right to flirt and dance with the girls as the youngest boy2 for they all look upon themselves and each other as boys and single men1 even if they have a dozen wives4 ,there is no limit to their 8privileges40 ,they are always in the market4 ,brigham1 in his public discourses1 has said that the brethren 8are all young men under a hundred years of age40 ,with such an extended privilege1 it is here in ,utah that hoary ,winter and smiling ,may can be seen galloping forth in the dance together--a thoughtful subject for the artist's pencil4 ,it is of no consequence how much a man may flirt in the presence of his wife or wives4 ,they must not presume to say one word to him about it2 for the husband is free to do whatever he likes4 ,he is one of the lords of creation4 ,he is master of his wives1 of his children4 ,then1 how can one of his own dare to call in question anything he may think fit to do8 ,she may1 it is true1 do so2 but she must take the consequences of that rash act4 ,oh6 how ,i loathe even the very remembrance of those hateful ball-rooms1 where ,i have seen so many unhappy wives1 and have heard so many tales of sorrow4 ,for1 while the wives would be sitting as 8wall-flowers0 along the sides of the halls1 after having danced the first dance with their husbands1 as a matter of form1 ,i have heard them many times telling each other about what they had seen their husbands doing during the evening2 and how they had been compelled to pay attention to some simpering girl that their husbands chanced to fancy2 and how they had had to do it for peace sake1 and appear to be satisfied4 ,i do not mean to say that ,i did not like these social amusements myself1 for ,i did2 and could1 under other circumstances1 have enjoyed them very much4 ,but ,i had been told so many things of the unpleasantness of a ball-room in ,salt ,lake ,city--at least1 to married women--that my apprehensions were aroused4 ,but all that was ever told me never half came up to the truth2 nor can ,i possibly myself give the reader any correct idea of the heartaches and sorrows which these scenes bring to the wives of ,mormons4 ,it is quite a common thing for married men to go with young girls to these balls4 ,the majority of the men1 however1 prefer to take their first wives with them at the same time2 but it is not infrequent to hear a lady say in the ball-room1 8,my husband has brought his girl here to-night2 but ,i have not spoken one word to her1 nor will ,i do so40 ,yet1 if any one were to ask these same ladies if they believed that ,polygamy was right1 they would say1 8,certainly ,i do2 but ,i do not like her0--and this simply because their husbands had paid her attentions4 ,this seems like inconsistency2 but it serves to show what conflicting feelings ,mormon women have to contend with4 ,the men should hear what their wives say about them in the ball-rooms1 and the hatred they feel for them4 ,i have seen some women sitting quietly eyeing their husbands1 as they danced or flirted with their younger loves1 till their cup of indignation was full4 ,then they would make for the dressing-rooms1 where their anger would burst upon the ears of a group of eager listeners1 who were seemingly pleased to learn that some one else was suffering as well as themselves4 ,a half-repressed threat1 8,i will be even with him0 has escaped the lips of those who1 before that1 had passed for being happily situated4 ,where new matrimonial alliances are continually taking place1 the arrival of a gentleman1 with his wife1 wives1 or a maiden1 in the ball-room1 is never remarked2 and1 not infrequently1 different wives arrive at different hours during the evenings1 as it suits their convenience2 and thus it would be difficult to say who came with their 8lord40 ,besides1 no observation is made if a lady thus enters the ball-room alone1 though it is expected that her husband is aware of her coming4 ,this coming alone1 however1 is not a common habit2 but1 as it is admissible1 it does occasionally happen that a husband is dancing or enjoying himself in the ball-room with his last fiance1 when a vigilant pair of eyes searches over the room and lights upon the happy 8lord40 ,when eyes like these encounter the eyes they seek1 a change is seen1 and the youthful airiness of the gentleman vanishes1 and sober looks follow the gaiety of the earlier hour4 ,i met ,president ,heber ,c4 ,kimball at one of these balls1 soon after my arrival4 ,he said that he would introduce me to his wife4 ,every one liked ,heber for his outspoken1 honest bluntness4 ,he took me up the hall and introduced me to five wives in succession6 8,now10 said he1 8,i think ,i'll quit2 for ,i fancy you are not over strong in the faith40 ,i asked1 8,are these all you have got80 8,o dear1 no10 he said3 8,i have a few more at home1 and about fifty more scattered over the earth somewhere4 ,i have never seen them since they were sealed to me in ,nauvoo1 and ,i hope ,i never shall again40 ,i thought this was terrible2 but it was only the beginning of worse things4 ,after this winter1 ,i had very little peace2 for the women were constantly talking to me about my husband getting another wife4 ,he held out1 however1 for five years2 but at last he 8felt that it was his duty to do so10 and ,i was silly enough to allow that 8he was not living up to his religion0 unless he took an extra wife4 ,i shall never forget those ball-room scenes4 ,even to this day1 when ,i chance to listen to tunes which ,i used to hear played in those times1 they grate terribly upon my ear1 and bring back so many sad recollections1 that ,i want to get away from the sound of them as quickly as possible1 for they are more than ,i can endure4 ,bygone recollections are often recalled by trifles such as this4 ,a few months ago ,i attended a ball in ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,it was the first ,i had been to since ,i withdrew from the ,church2 and of course it was got up by the 8,liberal ,party40 ,i felt free and happy1 for there was nothing to annoy or disturb me4 ,suddenly the band struck up a tune which ,i had heard while attending the ,mormon balls4 ,it sounded like the death-knell of all my pleasant feelings1 and aroused memories of the past which were so intensely painful that ,i could not rally from the depression that ,i felt for the rest of the evening4 ,i had heard that tune before1 and many like it1 and had even danced to it1 while my heart was breaking4 ,let me ask my lady readers--those1 ,i mean1 who have never been in ,utah4 ,ladies1 how do you think you would feel if you were kept waiting long after the hour of midnight1 far away into the morning1 until your husbands had got through with their dancing and flirting1 while your own hearts were breaking8 ,i think ,i hear you say1 8,i would not stand it40 ,you do not know1 ,i assure you1 what you would do under the circumstances4 ,how can you possibly judge what the feelings of a ,mormon woman are1 who has been taught to believe that 8her desire shall be unto her husband1 and he shall rule over her40 ,in very early days ,brigham built a theatre1 and a very fair amount of histrionic talent was developed among the ,saints4 ,the ,social ,hall1 in which were held balls1 public entertainments1 and other amusements1 was used for histrionic performances before the theatre was built4 ,brigham owned the theatre4 ,money was to be made out of it2 and the chance of making money ,brother ,brigham never permitted to slip through his fingers4 ,brigham's eyes were sharp enough to see that a theatre would be to him a source of profit1 but he did not look far enough4 ,that theatre--under the immediate direction of the ,prophet1 with his own daughters acting in it1 with the plays which were performed under his own censorship--has been one of the many causes which have perceptibly1 although perhaps indirectly1 shaken the hold which ,mormonism had upon many a woman's mind4 ,a man would probably witness the performance of a play and return from the theatre with no other thought than the remembrance of an hour's amusement4 ,but not so a woman4 ,to her the play suggested something more1 and her daughters would share her thoughts4 ,daily and hourly1 it might be1 the effects of ,polygamy would be brought under their notice as a matter affecting themselves personally4 ,they might be firm in the faith1 but the observant instincts of their sex could never be wholly crushed4 ,they would notice the neglect which wives endured even from good husbands2 they would see a man leaving the wife of his youth1 the mother of his children1 and1 careless of the cruel wrong he did her1 leave her in lonely sorrow while he was spending his time in love-making with some young girl who might have been his daughter4 ,they would see a wife crushing out from her heart the holiest impulses which ,god had implanted there1 striving to destroy all affection for him whose dearest treasure that affection should have been1 because1 indeed1 ,polygamy could not exist with love4 ,they would see and know1 and themselves personally feel1 the degradation and misery of the 8,celestial ,order of ,marriage20 and that to them would be the practical picture of life4 ,but in the theatre--short-sighted ,brigham1 to allow it to be so6--another picture would be presented for their consideration2 a picture it might be1 ideal in its details and surroundings1 but true to the letter in the lesson which it conveyed and the thoughts which it suggested4 ,the disgusting1 the brutalizing cruelties of ,polygamy1 were never represented on the stage4 ,thoughts so coarse1 so sensual1 could never inspire the true poet's pen4 ,no2 the tale of love1 as the poet tells it1 is all that is refined1 and chaste1 and delicate1 and pure2 the commingling of two souls1 the unison of two loving hearts1 the hopes1 the aspirations1 the tender joyful sorrows of two fond natures--of two alone6 ,such is the picture presented as the ideal of the beautiful and of the good4 ,then1 too1 the delicate attentions of the devoted lover1 his happiness even in the shadow of a smile from her1 the lofty pedestal upon which to his imagination she stands1 a queen and peerless2 or the confiding love of the heroine of the story2 blushingly confessing to herself that there is one heart on earth which is all her own1 and in which none but herself can ever rule or reign4 ,the ,mormon women are not devoid of common sense1 nor are they destitute of those quick perceptions which1 under all circumstances1 distinguish their sex4 ,they see on the stage representations of the happiness attendant upon love and marriage1 such as ,god ordained1 and such as finds a response in every heart2 and they compare such pleasant pictures with what they know and have witnessed of ,polygamy1 and they draw painful inferences therefrom4 ,their faith may be proof against apostasy1 but the impression left upon their minds produces its effect notwithstanding4 ,the spring came on1 and our prospects began to brighten4 ,my husband not only found remunerative employment for his pen in ,salt ,lake ,city1 but was also engaged as special correspondent to the ,new ,york ,herald and several of the ,california papers4 ,one morning1 a countryman1 roughly dressed and looking the picture of care1 called at our house and asked to see ,mr4 ,stenhouse4 ,i gazed at him for a moment1 for ,i thought there was something familiar in the sound of his voice4 ,he looked at me1 and ,i at once recognized him2 it was ,monsieur ,balif himself1 in whose house we had lived in ,switzerland4 ,but1 oh1 how changed he was6 ,once a refined1 handsome1 gentlemanly man2 now a mere wreck of his former self1 careworn1 rough-looking1 poorly clad4 ,he and his family had been in ,utah six years1 and had suffered all the ills that poverty can induce3 the change which was wrought in him was so great1 that for some moments ,i was so overcome by my feelings that ,i could not utter a word4 ,in the few short years which had elapsed since ,i saw him in his own bright and happy home1 he had become quite an old man4 ,i hardly dared to ask about his wife1 for ,i feared what his answer might be2 but after a little while he told me that she had sent her love1 and would like to see me whenever ,i could find an opportunity to call upon her4 ,they lived some miles from the city1 but ,i told him that ,i would not fail to visit them whenever it was possible for me to do so4 ,i talked a long while with ,monsieur ,balif1 and was much interested in what he told me4 ,he made no complaints2 he had still firm faith in ,mormonism1 and said that if the brethren had not dealt fairly by him they would be answerable to ,god for what they had done4 8,besides10 he added1 8,i do not blame them so much1 for they are ,americans1 and would not be happy if they did not get the advantage in some way40 ,i was anxious to ask him if he had been induced to take another wife1 as he had been in ,utah during the 8,reformation10 and ,i did not see how it was possible for him to have escaped2 but while ,i was thinking how ,i might put the question delicately1 he saved me the trouble by himself telling me that he had married the young servant-girl1 whom his wife had taken from ,switzerland with her4 ,this information was quite a shock to me1 for ,i well knew the proud spirit of his wife1 and ,i could realize what anguish this second marriage must have caused her2 ,i did not1 however1 like to question him on the subject4 ,so ,i turned the conversation into another channel1 and when he went away ,i sent kind messages to ,madame ,balif1 saying that ,i would seize the very first opportunity of hearing from her own lips the story of all they had gone through4 ,here1 again1 ,i found the trail of that monster--,polygamy4 ,this time in the home of my dearest friend4 ,from the moment when she and ,i had mingled our tears together in ,switzerland1 over that abomination1 life had been to me one long1 weary1 sickening battle with my own heart2 one futile attempt to fully convince myself that ,polygamy was right and that ,i was wrong4 ,i certainly did believe1 or thought that ,i believed1 the doctrine was true4 ,but at times nature prevailed in the struggle1 and womanly indignation and anger rose in arms against faith4 ,these feelings were1 however1 at once and unhesitatingly subdued2 faith returned triumphant1 and ,i was again convinced that the ,revelation must have been the will of the ,lord1 and that my duty was to submit1 but not to question4 ,in moments of comparative self-control ,i had even tried1 as a ,missionary's wife1 to justify it to others1 but only to witness an outburst of sorrow and anger1 and to feel still more the weakness of my position4 ,that had been my own experience2 but how had the time passed with my dear old friend8 ,she must1 no doubt1 have been as greatly disappointed as ,i was when she came to ,zion and saw things as they really were1 and not as they had been represented to us4 ,my own eyes had certainly been opened not a little since my arrival4 ,instead of finding the people enjoying the comforts and blessings of life1 which we had been taught were strewn around them in profuse abundance1 we found among all but the leading families the greatest poverty and privation4 ,the majority of the people were living in little log or adobe houses1 of one or at the utmost two rooms1 of most primitive construction1 and without the slightest convenience of any description4 ,their food was bread and molasses1 and it might be an occasional morsel of meat2 but many of them scarcely ever indulged in the latter1 or in any article of grocery1 for months at a time4 ,their floors and walls were bare1 and their clothing poor and scanty2 and yet1 destitute as they were of all the comforts and conveniences of life1 they were conscientiously endeavouring like good ,saints to practise ,polygamy1 because1 as they believed1 the ,lord had commanded it4 ,in respect to education they were in even a worse position4 ,books1 pictures1 and periodicals of any kind1 there were none1 with the exception of that dreary organ of the church1 the ,deseret ,news--the soporific influence of which some wicked ,apostate has likened to a dose of ,winslow's soothing syrup4 ,brigham ,young1 himself an illiterate man1 and the leading ,elders1 frowned upon every attempt to raise the intellectual status of the people2 and so little encouragement was given1 that no one could afford to keep school4 ,the consequence was1 that the boys and girls grew up with little more education than their own sense of necessity taught them to acquire for themselves2 and it was not until very recently that any suitable efforts were made to supply trained teachers and to open schools in which a thorough education could be afforded4 ,i have already mentioned the sermons of the ,tabernacle1 and observed how little calculated they were to elevate the character or cultivate the minds of the people4 ,i have before me as ,i write a choice morsel extracted from one of the sermons of ,heber ,c4 ,kimball1 which ,i think ,i must give for the reader's benefit4 ,fancy an 8,apostle60 thus addressing a large and mixed congregation of men1 women1 and children3-- 8,here are some edicated men jest under my nose4 ,they come here and they think they know more than ,i do1 and then they git the big head1 and it swells and swells until it gits like the old woman's squash--you go to touch it and it goes ker-smash2 and when you look for the man1 why he ain't thar4 ,they're jest like so many pots in a furnace--yer know ,i've been a potter in my time--almighty thin and almighty big2 and when they're sot up the heat makes 'em smoke a little1 and then they collapse and tumble in1 and they aint no whar40 ,this was ,heber's style in general4 ,next to making modest people blush1 nothing pleased him better than to annoy or ridicule any one who had the smallest pretensions to education2 and yet naturally ,heber was a kind-hearted man4 ,brigham's style is very little better1 and the substance of his discourses quite as bad4 ,i will give a very favourable specimen1 taken from a sermon on ,polygamy1 delivered some years ago1 touched up and corrected1 and published in the official organ1 the ,deseret ,news3-- 8,men will say1 #8,my wife1 though a most excellent woman1 has not seen a happy day since ,i took my second wife4' #8,no1 not a happy day for a year1' says one2 and another has not seen a happy day for five years4 8,i am going to set every woman at liberty1 and say to them1 ,now go your way--my women with the rest2 go your way4 ,and my wives have got to do one of two things2 either round up their shoulders to endure the afflictions of this world and live their religion1 or they must leave2 for ,i will not have them about me4 ,i will go into heaven alone rather than have scratching and fighting around me4 ,i will set all at liberty4 #8,what1 first wife too6' ,yes1 ,i will liberate you all4 ,i know there is no cessation to the everlasting whinings of many of the women in this territory2 ,i am satisfied that this is the case2 and if the women will turn from the commandments of ,god1 and continue to despise the order of heaven1 ,i will pray that the curse of the ,almighty may be close to their heels1 and that it may be following them all the day long4 ,and those that enter into it 7the celestial order7 and are faithful1 ,i will promise them that they shall be queens in heaven and rulers to all eternity4 8,now if any of you will deny the plurality of wives1 and continue to do so1 ,i promise that you will be damned40 ,this was sweet language for a ,prophet and a ,saint to utter1 and yet it is not half so coarse or improper as some whole sermons that ,i have listened to from the lips of ,brother ,brigham and the other leaders of the ,church4 ,the ,apostle ,orson ,pratt is the only one who has dared1 in the presence of ,brigham1 to say that education was a proper thing1 and that there were many books which would be of good service to the ,saints1 if they obtained and studied them4 ,on one occasion1 ,brigham arose in ire1 and said1-- 8,the professor has told you that there are many books in the world1 and ,i tell you that there are many people there4 ,he says there is something in all these books2 ,i say each of those persons has got a name4 ,it would do you just as much good to learn those somebodies' names as it would to read those books4 ,five minutes' revelation would teach me more truth than all this pack of nonsense that ,i should have packed away in my unlucky brains from books40 ,but the ,prophet has changed with the times1 and there are now in ,utah very good schools1 both ,mormon and ,gentile1 but none of them are free-schools4 ,bishop ,taylor once said in a public lecture that they were 8destructive to the best interests of the community20 and the bishop's 8lord0 in the ,lion-,house is exactly of the same opinion1 for he has repeatedly declared that 8there shall be no #8free-schools' within his ,saintly #8,kingdom' on earth40 ,nevertheless1 ,brother ,brigham and his 8,infallible ,priesthood0 are at last beginning to discover that although the night of ignorance and superstition may hate the clear daylight of truth and knowledge1 when the great ,ruler of all commands the light to come forth it is not in the power of man1 with all his boasting1 to forbid the sun to shine upon the dark places of the earth4 ,balls1 parties1 and the theatre provided amusement for the people in ,salt ,lake ,city itself2 but in the ,settlements there was little else in the shape of recreation than idle gossip or the harangues of the ,tabernacle4 ,at the time when we went to ,utah1 ,mormon society was slowly recovering from that terrible marrying mania which had set in during the 8,reformation10 and a season of divorce was the result4 ,the authorities at that time1 as ,i have already observed1 had urged every person1 without distinction1 into ,polygamy4 ,men and women had been forced to marry one another without any respect to affection or fitness1 and the result was that hundreds of marriages were entered into which made those who contracted them miserable for life1 but the consequences of which they could not avoid4 ,at the same time not a few were divorced almost immediately after they were married1 and these things were a matter of daily occurrence4 ,brigham ,young1 with his eye perpetually on the dollar1 finding that his marrying scheme1 like many other of his 8divine0 plans1 was a failure1 saw at once that quite a nice little sum might be realized by charging a fee for divorces4 ,nothing was charged for marrying2 but if the people insisted on having divorces1 why1 the best1 and certainly the most profitable thing1 was to make them pay for them4 ,when we first went to ,utah1 the ,prophet was doing quite a flourishing business in that line4 ,any one could get a divorce for ten dollars2 and ,brigham publicly in the ,tabernacle jested about it1 and said that the money thus obtained came in very conveniently as pin-money for his wives1 though ,i doubt if they ever received a dollar of it4 ,he added1 that so far as 8eternity0 was concerned1 these divorces were not worth the paper they were written on2 the people had married for eternity1 and in eternity they would have to live together1 whether they liked it or not4 ,he says the same to-day2 but still he sells his divorces1 and gathers in the ten dollars4 ,as ,i have written so much of the troubles of the sisters1 perhaps it will be as well to give the reader an idea of the trials and difficulties which the brethren had to contend with when they first attempted the introduction of ,polygamy4 ,to do this1 ,i shall give the correspondence of ,miss ,martha ,brotherton1 formerly of ,manchester1 ,england1 relating to a very interesting courtship between herself and ,brigham ,young4 ,i would have the reader remark that this correspondence distinctly proves that ,polygamy was taught by the heads of the church before the ,prophet received the professed revelation4 ,this account was published just a year1 lacking one day1 before the revelation on ,polygamy was given to ,joseph ,smith4 ,it was published in ,boston1 in book form1 in #ahdb4 ,the revelation was given at ,nauvoo1 on the #abth of ,july #ahdc4 ,the following is the letter referred to3#b-- 8,,st4 ,,louis1 ,missouri1 ,july #ac1 ,a4,d4 #ahdb4 8,,dear ,,sir1--,i left ,warsaw a short time since for this city1 and having been called upon by you1 through the ,sangamo ,journal1 to come out and disclose to the world the facts of the case in relation to certain propositions made to me1 at ,nauvoo1 by some of the ,mormon leaders1 ,i now proceed to respond to the call1 and discharge what ,i consider to be a duty devolving upon me as an innocent1 but insulted and abused female4 ,i had been at ,nauvoo nearly three weeks1 during which time my father's family received frequent visits from ,elders ,brigham ,young and ,heber ,c4 ,kimball1 two of the ,mormon ,apostles2 when1 early one morning1 they both came to my brother-in-law's 7,john ,mc,ilwrick's7 house1 at which place ,i was then on a visit1 and particularly requested me to go and spend a few days with them4 ,i told them ,i could not at that time1 as my brother-in-law was not at home2 however1 they urged me to go the next day and spend one day with them4 ,the day being fine1 ,i accordingly went4 ,when ,i arrived at the foot of the hill1 ,young and ,kimball were standing conversing together4 ,they both came to me1 and after several flattering compliments1 ,kimball wished me to go to his house first4 ,i said it was immaterial to me1 and went accordingly4 ,we had not1 however1 gone many steps when ,young suddenly stopped1 and said he would go to that brother's 7pointing to a little log hut a few yards distant71 and tell him that you 7speaking to ,kimball7 and ,brother ,glover1 or ,grover 7,i do not remember which7 will value his land4 ,when he had gone1 ,kimball turned to me and said1 #8,martha1 ,i want you to say to my wife1 when you go to my house1 that you want to buy some things at ,joseph's store 7,joseph ,smith's71 and ,i will say ,i am going with you to show you the way4 ,you know you want to see the ,prophet1 and you will then have an opportunity4' ,i made no reply4 ,young again made his appearance1 and the subject was dropped4 ,we soon reached ,kimball's house1 when ,young took his leave1 saying1 #8,i shall see you again1 ,martha4' ,i remained at ,kimball's nearly an hour2 when ,kimball1 seeing ,i would not tell the lies he wished me to1 told them to his wife himself4 ,he then went and whispered in her ear1 and asked if that would please her4 #8,yes1' she said1 #8or ,i can go along with you and ,martha4' #8,no1' said he1 #8,i have some business to do1 and ,i will call for you afterwards to go with me to the debate1' meaning the debate between yourself and ,joseph4 ,to this she consented4 ,so ,kimball and ,i went to the store together4 ,as we were going along1 he said1 #8,sister ,martha1 are you willing to do all that the ,prophet requires you to do8' ,i said1 ,i believed ,i was--thinking1 of course1 he would require nothing wrong4 #8,then1' said he1 #8are you ready to take counsel8' ,i answered in the affirmative1 thinking of the great and glorious blessings that had been pronounced upon my head if ,i adhered to the counsel of those placed over me in the ,lord4 #8,well1' said he #8there are many things revealed in these last days that the world would laugh and scoff at2 but unto us is given to know the mysteries of the kingdom4' ,he further observed1 #8,martha1 you must learn to hold your tongue1 and it will be well with you4 ,you will see ,joseph1 and very likely will have some conversation with him1 and he will tell you what you shall do4' ,when we reached the building1 he led me up some stairs to a small room1 the door of which was locked1 and on it the following inscription1 #8,positively no admittance4' ,he observed1 #8,ah6 ,brother ,joseph must be sick1 for1 strange to say1 he is not here4 ,come down into the tithing-office1 ,martha4' ,he then left me in the tithing-office and went out1 ,i know not where4 ,in this office were two men writing1 one of whom1 ,william ,clayton1 ,i had seen in ,england2 the other ,i did not know4 ,young came in and seated himself before me1 and asked where ,kimball was4 ,i said he had gone out4 ,he said it was all right4 ,soon after1 ,joseph came in and spoke to one of the clerks1 and then went upstairs1 followed by ,young4 ,immediately after1 ,kimball came in4 #8,now ,martha1' said he1 #8the ,prophet has come2 come upstairs4' ,i went1 and we found ,young and the ,prophet alone4 ,i was introduced to the ,prophet by ,young4 ,joseph offered me his seat1 and1 to my astonishment1 the moment ,i was seated1 ,joseph and ,kimball walked out of the room1 and left me with ,young1 who arose1 locked the door1 closed the window1 and drew the curtain4 ,he then came and sat before me and said1 #8,this is our private room1 ,martha4' #8,indeed1 sir1' said ,i2 #8,i must be highly honoured to be permitted to enter it4' ,he smiled1 and then proceeded1 #8,sister ,martha1 ,i want to ask you a few questions2 will you answer them8' #8,yes1 sir1' said ,i4 #8,and will you promise me not to mention them to any one8' #8,if it is your desire1 sir1' said ,i1 #8,i will not4' #8,and you will not think any the worse of me for it2 will you1 ,martha8' said he4 #8,no1 sir1' ,i replied4 #8,well1' said he1 #8what are your feelings toward me8' ,i replied1 #8,my feelings are just the same toward you that they ever were1 sir4' #8,but1 to come to the point more closely1' said he1 #8have not you an affection for me1 that1 were it lawful and right1 you would accept of me for your husband and companion8' ,my feelings at this moment were indescribable4 ,god only knows them4 ,what1 thought ,i1 are these men1 that ,i thought almost perfection itself1 deceivers1 and is all my fancied happiness but a dream8 ',twas even so2 but my next thought was1 which is the best way for me to act at this time8 ,if ,i say ,no1 they may do as they think proper2 and to say ,yes1 ,i never would4 ,so ,i considered it best to ask for time to think and pray about it4 ,i therefore said1 #8,if it was lawful and right1 perhaps ,i might2 but you know1 sir1 it is not4' #8,well1 but1' said he1 #8,brother ,joseph has had a revelation from ,god that it is lawful and right for a man to have two wives2 for1 as it was in the days of ,abraham1 so it shall be in these last days1 and whoever is the first that is willing to take up the cross will receive the greatest blessings2 and1 if you will accept of me1 ,i will take you straight to the celestial kingdom2 and1 if you will have me in this world1 ,i will have you in that which is to come1 and ,brother ,joseph will marry us here1 to-day1 and you can go home this evening1 and your parents will not know anything about it4' #8,sir1' said ,i1 #8,i should not like to do anything of the kind without the permission of my parents4' #8,well1 but1' said he1 #8you are of age1 are you not8' #8,no1 sir1' said ,i2 #8,i shall not be until the #bdth of ,may4' #8,well1' said he1 #8that does not make any difference4 ,you will be of age before they know1 and you need not fear4 ,if you will take my counsel1 it will be well with you1 for ,i know it to be right before ,god2 and if there is any sin in it1 ,i will answer for it4 ,but ,brother ,joseph wishes to have some talk with you on the subject2 he will explain things2 will you hear him8' #8,i do not mind1' said ,i4 #8,well1 but ,i want you to say something1' said he4 #8,i want to think about it1' said ,i4 #8,well1' said he1 #8,i will have a kiss1 anyhow1' and then rose1 and said he would bring ,joseph4 ,he then unlocked the door1 and took the key1 and locked me up alone4 ,he was absent about ten minutes1 and then returned with ,joseph4 #8,well1' said ,young1 #8,sister ,martha would be willing if she knew it was lawful and right before ,god4' #8,well1 ,martha1' said ,joseph1 #8it is lawful and right before ,god--,i know it is4 ,look here1 sis2 don't you believe in me4' ,i did not answer4 #8,well1 ,martha1' said ,joseph1 #8just go ahead1 and do as ,brigham wants you to2 he is the best man in the world1 except me4' #8,oh6' said ,brigham1 #8then you are as good4' #8,yes1' said ,joseph4 #8,well1' said ,young1 #8we believe ,joseph to be a ,prophet4 ,i have known him near eight years1 and have always found him the same4' #8,yes1' said ,joseph1 #8and ,i know that this is lawful and right before ,god1 and if there is any sin in it1 ,i will answer for it before ,god2 and ,i have the keys of the kingdom1 and whatever ,i bind on earth is bound in heaven1 and whatever ,i loose on earth is loosed in heaven2 and if you will accept of ,brigham1 you shall be blessed--,god shall bless you1 and my blessing shall rest upon you2 and1 if you will be led by him1 you will do well2 for ,i know that ,brigham will do well by you1 and if he don't do his duty to you1 come to me1 and ,i will make him2 and if you do not like it in a month or two1 come to me and ,i will make you free again2 and if he turns you off1 ,i will take you on4' #8,sir1' said ,i1 rather warmly1 #8it will be too late to think in a month or two after4 ,i want time to think first4' #8,well1 but1' said he1 #8the old proverb is1 8,nothing ventured1 nothing gained10 and it will be the greatest blessing that was ever bestowed upon you4' #8,yes1' said ,young1 #8and you will never have reason to repent it--that is1 if ,i do not turn from righteousness1 and that1 ,i trust1 ,i never shall2 for ,i believe ,god1 who has kept me so long1 will continue to keep me faithful4 ,did you ever see me act in any way wrong in ,england1 ,martha8' #8,no1 sir1' said ,i4 #8,no1' said he2 #8neither can any one else lay anything to my charge4' #8,well1 then1' said ,joseph1 #8what are you afraid of1 sis8 ,come1 let me do the business for you4' #8,sir1' said ,i1 #8do let me have a little time to think about it1 and ,i will promise not to mention it to any one4' #8,well1 but look here1' said he2 #8you know a fellow will never be damned for doing the best he knows how4' #8,well1 then1' said ,i1 #8the best way ,i know of is1 to go home and think and pray about it4' #8,well1' said ,young1 #8,i shall leave it with ,brother ,joseph1 whether it would be best for you to have time or not4' #8,well1' said ,joseph1 #8,i see no harm in her having time to think1 if she will not fall into temptation4' #8,oh sir6' said ,i1 #8there is no fear of my falling into temptation4' #8,well1 but1' said ,brigham1 #8you must promise me you will never mention it to any one4' #8,i do promise it1' said ,i4 #8,well1' said ,joseph1 #8you must promise me the same4' ,i promised him the same4 #8,upon your honour1' said he1 #8you will not tell4' #8,no1 sir2 ,i will lose my life first1' said ,i4 #8,well1 that will do1' said he2 #8that is the principle we go upon4 ,i think ,i can trust you1 ,martha1' said he4 #8,yes1' said ,i1 #8,i think you ought4' ,joseph said1 #8,she looks as if she could keep a secret4' ,i then rose to go1 when ,joseph commenced to beg of me again4 ,he said it was the best opportunity they might have for months1 for the room was often engaged4 ,i1 however1 had determined what to do4 #8,well1' said ,young1 #8,i will see you to-morrow4 ,i am going to preach at the school-house opposite your house4 ,i have never preached there yet2 you will be there1 ,i suppose4' #8,yes1' said ,i4 ,the next day being ,sunday1 ,i sat down1 instead of going to meeting1 and wrote the conversation1 and gave it to my sister1 who was not a little surprised2 but she said it would be best to go to the meeting in the afternoon4 ,we went1 and ,young administered the sacrament4 ,after it was over1 ,i was passing out1 and ,young stopped me1 saying1 #8,wait1 ,martha2 ,i am coming4' ,i said1 #8,i cannot2 my sister is waiting for me4' ,he then threw his coat over his shoulders1 and followed me out1 and whispered1 #8,have you made up your mind1 ,martha8' #8,not exactly1 sir1' said ,i2 and we parted4 ,i shall proceed to a justice of the peace1 and make oath to the truth of these statements1 and you are at liberty to make what use of them you may think best4 8,yours respectfully1 8,,martha ,a4 ,,brotherton4 8,sworn to and described before me1 this #acth day of ,july1 ,a4,d4 #ahdb4 8,,du ,,bouffay ,,fremon1 8,justice of the ,peace for ,st4 ,louis ,county40 ,,chapter ,,xxiv4 ,,the ,,origin ,,of 8,,the ,,reformation30--,,extraordinary ,,doings ,,of ,,the ,,saints4 ,the popular idea of ,mormonism is that the peculiar feature which distinguishes it from all other ,christian sects is ,polygamy4 ,to a certain extent this is1 of course1 true2 but it is only a partial statement of the truth4 ,if ,polygamy were to be relinquished1 it would still be found that ,mormonism had really very little in common with other sects1 and very much that was completely antagonistic to them4 ,the confession of faith published by ,joseph ,smith during his lifetime would certainly deceive an uninitiated person2 and it was in consequence of the ambiguity of that very document that so many unsuspecting persons were from the beginning of ,mormonism led astray by the teachings of the ,missionaries4 ,the convert was told that the ,mormon faith proclaimed the existence of one true ,god1 but he was not told that ,father ,adam was that deity1 and that he is 8like a well-to-do farmer40 ,he was told that ,christ was the ,son of ,god1 but he was not taught that the ,virgin ,mary was 8the lawful wife of ,god the ,father10 and that 8,he intended after the resurrection to take her again1 as one of ,his own wives1 to raise up immortal spirits in eternity4 ,he was told of faith in a ,saviour1 he was not told that men were the only saviours of their wives1 and that unless a woman pleased her husband1 and was obedient and was saved by him1 she could not be saved at all4 ,he was told that the ,saints believed in the ,holy ,ghost1 but he was not told that 8,the ,holy ,ghost is a man2 he is one of the sons of our ,father and our ,god4444 ,you think our ,father and our ,god is not a lively1 sociable1 and cheerful man2 ,he is one of the most lively men that ever lived60 ,and yet1 although such fearful and shocking blasphemy was1 of course1 hidden from the convert whom it was desirable to impress with the idea that ,mormonism was only a development of ,christianity1 it was openly taught in the sermons in the ,tabernacle before thousands of people1 and inculcated in the writings of the highest authorities4 ,the passages which ,i have just quoted1 were preached in public1 were taken down in shorthand were revised under the superintendence of ,brigham ,young or one of the chief leaders1 were then printed and published in ,salt ,lake ,city1 and afterwards reprinted in another form4 ,the verbal repetition of such blasphemy as this would be simply painful and disgusting to any right-minded person4 ,i shall therefore endeavour to give an idea of some of these outrageous doctrines without entering too closely into details4 ,should the reader1 however1 wish to search and see for him self1 ,i refer him to the ,journals of ,discourses1 the files of the ,church papers1 and the publications of the ,mormon writers generally4 ,one of the first innovations upon the received faith of ordinary ,christians was the doctrine of ,polytheism4 ,there can be no doubt that1 even in ,joseph's time1 that doctrine was taught1 although1 as in the case of ,polygamy1 all knowledge of it was kept from every one but the initiated--the 8strong men0 who could be entrusted with the inner secrets of the church leaders4 ,that such a doctrine1 however1 was beginning1 even then1 to form part of the faith of the ,saints1 may be seen in the following lines upon the occasion of the ,prophet's murder3-- 8,unchanged in death1 with a ,saviour's love1 ,he pleads their cause in the courts above4 ,his home's in the sky1 he dwells with the ,gods1 ,far from the furious rage of mobs6 444 ,he died6 he died for those he loved2 ,he reigns6 ,he reigns in the realms above40 ,many other instances1 even stronger than this1 could easily be given4 ,the ,mormon idea of the other world1 while in some respects it differed from the teachings of certain modern 8,spiritualists10 was not altogether dissimilar4 ,the soul was said to be immortal1 and it had three stages of existence4 ,the first was purely spiritual--the state of the soul before it came into this world4 ,spirits in that condition were not perfect1 they must first take a fleshly body1 and pass through the trials of life1 before they could attain to the highest state of existence4 ,hence it was a solemn duty1 as well as their highest privilege1 for men to practise polygamy3--their duty1 as by this means1 and by this alone1 the yet imperfect souls now waiting to come into this world could ever hope to be admitted into the 8,celestial ,kingdom20--and a privilege1--as all the souls whom they thus assisted to emigrate would form their own 8,kingdoms0 in eternity1 over which1 as kings and priests1 they would reign for ever and ever4 ,the second stage of the soul's existence is the mortal2 with which we all are sadly well acquainted4 ,the third is the condition subsequent to the ,resurrection1 when they believe the flesh and bones will form the raised body1 but the blood will not be there2 for the blood is the principle of corrupt life1 and therefore another spirit supplies its place in heaven4 ,that ,christ partook of some broiled fish and part of a honeycomb is evident from ,holy ,scripture2 the ,mormons therefore teach that heaven will be very much the same as earth1 only considerably improved4 ,we shall not marry there or be given in marriage2 hence it is necessary for us to marry here1 and to marry as much as we can1 for then in heaven a man will take the wives whom he married on earth1 or who have been sealed to him by proxy2 they will be his queens1 and their children will be his subjects4 ,we shall eat1 and drink1 and feast1 and spend a happy time generally4 ,we shall henceforth never die2 hence we shall ourselves be gods6 ,it was in the pre-existent state1 the ,mormons teach1 that the work of salvation was first planned2 but not after the fashion believed by all ,christians4 ,a grand celestial council was held1 at which all the ,sons of ,god appeared4 ,michael1 the father of all1 presided1 and stated that he proposed to create a new world1 of which he proceeded to give some details4 ,his first begotten then arose1 and made a speech1 in which he proposed that ,michael1 his father1 should go down to the world1 when created1 with ,eve1 his mother1 and do there much after the fashion of what is related of our first parents in the ,book of ,genesis2 he himself would descend some thousands of years subsequently1 and would lead his erring brethren back1 and save them from their sins4 ,lucifer1 the second son1 then stood forth and unfolded his plan4 ,jealous of the popularity of his elder brother1 he proposed to save men in their sins4 ,great discussion ensued1 in which the unnumbered family of heaven divided into three parties2 one under each of the two elder sons1 and the third standing neutral4 ,after a terrible conflict1 ,lucifer1 the second son1 was defeated1 and1 with all his followers1 was driven out of heaven4 ,they descended into the abyss1 where they founded the infernal kingdom1 of which ,lucifer became the chief4 ,he was henceforth known as the ,devil4 ,adam created his world1 and carried out his part of the plan2 and in due time the eldest son1 who conquered in heaven1 took upon him the form of flesh1 dwelt among men1 and was known as their ,redeemer4 ,the spirits who stood neutral during the fight subsequently took upon them forms of flesh1 entering into the children of ,ham1 and were known as negroes4 ,therefore it is1 that although the ,american ,indians and all other races are eligible for the ,mormon priesthood1 the negro alone could never attain to that high dignity4 ,on the #ith of ,april1 #aheb1 ,brigham ,young publicly announced that1-- 8,when our father ,adam came into the ,garden of ,eden1 he came into it with a celestial body1 and brought ,eve1 one of his wives1 with him4 ,he helped to make and organize this world4 ,he is ,michael the ,archangel1 the ,ancient of ,days1 about whom holy men have written and spoken4 ,he is our #8,father and our ,god1' and the only god with whom we have to do40 ,this public declaration gave great offence1 and led to the apostacy of many4 ,nevertheless1 ,brigham ,young thinks that just as ,adam came down to ,eden and subsequently became a god1 in like manner he also himself will attain to the godhead4 ,heber ,c4 ,kimball1 zealous to go a step further1 declared that ,brigham was 8,god10 and that he1 ,kimball1 stood toward him in the same relation as the ,third ,person in the ,blessed ,trinity does towards the ,first4 ,it will hence be seen that subordination is one of the first principles of the ,mormon faith1 and this even in the ,church organization of the ,saints has been distinctively shown4 ,for the purposes for which it exists the ,mormon hierarchy could not be surpassed4 ,of the ,priesthood there are two orders--the ,melchisedec and the ,aaronic2 of which the former ranks first and highest4 ,the lowest rank in the ,church is the 8,deacon20 he looks after the places of meeting1 takes up collections1 and attends to other similar duties4 ,next comes the 8,teacher40 ,he visits the ,saints and takes note of their standing1 and reports the same3 weakness of faith1 or backwardness in paying tithing1 is never overlooked by him4 ,after him is the 8,priest10 and above him is the ,elder whose office it is to preach1 baptize1 and lay on hands4 ,all these belong to the order of the ,aaronic--or the ,levitical priesthood4 8,bishops0 are simply ,church officers having local jurisdiction4 ,the lowest grade in the ,melchisedec ,priesthood is the 8,elder40 ,he administers in all the ordinances of the ,church4 ,above him there is no higher rank as respects the priesthood1 but in respect to office there are various gradations1 as1 for example1 the 8,high ,priests10 the 8,seventies10 and 8,bishops10 who occupy positions of authority1 although both go on missions1 and also the ,apostles4 ,the 8,apostles0 were chosen in imitation of the 8,twelve0 appointed by ,christ2 and in the same way the 8,seventies10 in imitation of the seventy disciples sent forth to preach and work miracles4 ,they claim rank next to the ,twelve4 ,the 8,quorum of the ,apostles0 is presided over by the eldest of their number2 the 8,quorums of ,seventies0 are each composed of seventy ,elders with a 8,president0 and six 8,counsellors40 ,the number of 8quorums0 is unlimited2 and over them all collectively is another president and six counsellors4 ,the highest authority in the ,church is the 8,first ,presidency20 the three members of which at present are ,brigham ,young1 ,george ,a4 ,smith1 and ,daniel ,h4 ,wells1--who are said to represent on earth the three ,persons of the ,blessed ,trinity6 ,as1 from 8,president0 ,young down to the most illiterate 8,elder10 every one is supposed to be specially inspired1 and to be immediately guided by the gift of the ,holy ,ghost1 education is utterly unnecessary to the members of the ,mormon priesthood2 in fact1 it has always been looked upon as an impediment to its possessor4 ,obedience is considered the highest qualification1 and it was the strict enforcement of obedience on the part of the ordinary people and the lower grades of the priesthood towards the higher that alone could have made possible that state of affairs which existed during the 8,reformation40 ,hence also it is that ,brigham ,young and the leaders are rightly held responsible for the deeds of violence and fanaticism which their followers may perpetrate2 for it is well known that no ,mormon1 in a matter of grave importance1 would dare to act upon his own responsibility1 and without he felt sure that what he did would meet with the approbation of those in authority4 ,there is another class of ,church officer which ,i had very nearly forgotten--the ,patriarchs4 ,the chief of these is called 8,the ,presiding ,patriarch over the ,church20 the rest are 8,patriarchs in the ,church40 ,the office of these dignitaries is to bless the people and to be paid for their blessings4 ,the price of good blessings is variable4 ,not long ago1 when money was scarce and payments were made in produce1 two dollars was considered reasonable2 and if several were wanted for the same family1 a reduction was made4 ,hyrum ,smith1 the original ,prophet's eldest brother1 was the first ,patriarch2 and to him succeeded 8,uncle ,john10 as he was popularly called1 the eldest brother of ,brigham4 ,the present ,patriarch is the son of ,hyrum2 still a young man1 who obtained his office by inheritance--and this1 ,i believe1 is about the only office in the ,church which ,brother ,brigham has permitted the ,smith family to inherit or enjoy4 ,the idea of reviving the old ,jewish polity was always uppermost in the minds of the ,mormons4 ,hence they revived the ,priesthood and ,high-priesthood in their various forms2 a magnificent temple was built in ,nauvoo1 just as another temple is now being erected at ,salt ,lake ,city2 and so far did they go that it was even determined that the ancient sacrifices should eventually be restored4 ,it is alleged that in ,nauvoo1 among the ,mormons1 a secret body of men had been chosen1 who were enrolled1 under the most frightful oaths1 to avenge every wrong which might be perpetrated against the ,saints4 ,this band was said to have originated with ,sidney ,rigdon and ,dr4 ,sampson ,avard1 and1 as ,i have somewhere else mentioned1 ,thomas ,b4 ,marsh and ,hyde the present chief of the ,apostles both made affidavit that such was the case1 and that the band was sworn to commit the most shocking acts of vengeance1--and surely ,marsh and ,hyde ought to know4 ,various names were chosen for this 8death society40 ,first the members were called ,daughters of ,zion from ,micah iv4 #ac4 ,but as it sounded rather ridiculous to speak of bearded ruffians as 8daughters10 that name was abandoned1 and the title 8,avenging ,angels0 substituted2 and that1 with some other names then temporarily used1 were subsequently dropped for the name 8,danites0 from ,genesis xlix4 #ag1 which has since been retained2--not by the ,mormons1 for they have ever denied the existence of any such band1 but by the ,gentiles4 ,it matters very little what the name of such a society might be1 so long as it existed at all2 and that it does1 and has1 existed in some form cannot reasonably be denied4 ,there probably is not at the present time any formally enrolled society1 but it is quite certain that for many years past if 8,the ,church0 had only dropped a hint that any man's blood ought to be shed1 that man would have had a very short tenure of his life4 ,even ,brigham himself said publicly3 8,if men come here and do not behave themselves1 they will not only find the ,danites1 whom they talk so much about1 biting the horses' heels1 but the scoundrels will find something biting their heels4 ,in my plain remarks ,i simply call things by their own names40 ,it is beyond a doubt that1 notwithstanding all the social changes and improvements of late years1 the secret police of ,salt ,lake ,city are in matters of crime1 as well as in fact1 though not perhaps nominally1 the successors of the original 8death society20--many of its members are known to have committed grievous crimes and to have repeatedly dyed their hands in blood4 ,the shocking deeds that every now and then are divulged to the world are all of their doing1 and no resident of ,salt ,lake ,city1 whether ,mormon or ,gentile1 although he might prudently decline to state his opinions1 would in his mind question the fact that it is fear of consequences1 and only because the ,saints are 8on their good behaviour0 in the sight of the ,federal ,government1 that the hands of these wretches are withheld from a continuance of their old enormities4 ,as might be supposed1 the establishment of a secret band of men professedly ready at a moment to steal1 to shed blood1 or commit any crime at the command of their leaders1 created great excitement in the whole ,state of ,missouri1 and especially in the vicinity of the ,mormon ,settlements4 ,like the ,ishmaelites of old1 the hands of the ,saints were against every man1 and every man's hand was against them4 ,they were taught that they were 8a chosen nation1 a royal priesthood1 a peculiar people0--the 8,sword of the ,lord and of ,gideon0 was to be theirs2 they were to go forth conquering and to conquer2 and the ,gentiles were to be trodden down beneath their feet4 ,as might be expected1 trouble immediately arose2 the people of ,missouri outraged the ,mormons1 and the ,mormons in return outraged them4 ,murders1 thefts1 and the most shameful atrocities were of daily occurrence1 and the history of those terrible doings would fill a good-sized volume4 ,suffice it to say1 that the excitement continued and increased1 reprisals being made on both sides2 finally the mob was triumphant1 and after committing many fearful excesses it was organized into a militia--the leading men in authority declaring that the ,mormons must either leave the ,state or else they must be extirpated by the sword4 ,notwithstanding all this1 the ,mormons1 at all times an industrious people1 were in one sense successful and prosperous2 the morality1 however1 of some of their leading men was to say the least very questionable4 ,it was openly argued that the silver and gold were the ,lord's1 and so were the cattle on a thousand hills4 ,the ,scripture says that ,god has given ,his people all things richly to enjoy4 ,the ,saints were the people of ,god3--,he had given them all the wealth and substance of the earth1 and therefore it was no sin for them to help themselves2 they were but taking their own4 ,to overreach or defraud their enemies was facetiously called by the ,mormons 8milking the ,gentiles40 ,their city called ,nauvoo--,the ,beautiful1--a name given by the ,prophet ,joseph and supposed to be of celestial origin1 was well laid out and well built1 a costly ,temple was nearly complete1 and the leaders1 at least1 began to show signs of wealth and prosperity4 ,this however was but a lull before the storm4 ,writs upon various charges against ,joseph and the leading ,elders had always been floating about1 and the serving of some of the later ones had only been prevented by technical difficulties or the personal fears of the ,sheriff4 ,to enter ,nauvoo for the purpose of arresting the ,prophet was like bearding the lion in his den2 for by this time a splendidly equipped and drilled militia regiments under the name of ,nauvoo ,legion had been organized1 and ,joseph had been elected ,lieutenant-,general4 ,the regiment consisted solely of well-tried ,mormons who were devotedly attached to their leader2 besides which1 the whole of the population of the city was at his call at a moment's notice4 ,into the city of the ,saints1 as far as was possible to prevent it1 no ,gentile was allowed to intrude4 ,it was at risk of life and property that any one ventured4 ,one oddly original mode of driving out the devoted stranger is worthy of mention--it was called 8whittling a man out of the town60 ,opposite the victim's door a number of men and overgrown boys would take up their quarters1 each armed with a stout stick of wood and a huge knife4 ,no sooner did the ,gentile appear than the whole horde gathered in a circle round him4 ,not a word was uttered1 but each man grasping firmly his stick in his left hand1 pointed its other end to within a few inches of the victim's face1 while with the knife in his right hand he sliced a shaving out of the wood in such a way as to bring the point of the knife almost against the face of the unfortunate man4 ,wherever he turned they attended him1 always preserving the strictest silence1 and never actually touching him4 ,the intolerable sensation caused by the 8whittling0 of this strange body-guard1 who were in attendance day and night1 and the unpleasantness of seeing half a score of sharp knives flashing perpetually within an inch of his nose1 generally subdued the strongest-minded ,gentile2--few could endure it for more than a day or so at the utmost3 they were glad to leave--8,whittled out of the town60 ,the evil day1 however1 at last came4 ,the ,prophet1 fearing arrest1 fled1 but was persuaded to return and deliver himself up4 ,the charge against him was one for which reasonable bail could be taken2 bail was offered1 accepted1 and the prisoners discharged4 ,before leaving court1 however1 the ,prophet and his brother ,hyrum1 the ,patriarch1 were arrested upon a trumped-up charge of treason1 a charge for which it was impossible that bail should be taken2 they were therefore committed to custody in ,carthage jail1 under solemn promise from ,governor ,ford of ,illinois that the ,state should be answerable for their personal protection4 ,the same day1 however1 a mob of over one hundred men1 assisted1 it is said1 by the militia who were left in charge1 burst into the jail and assassinated the ,prophet and his brother4 ,as might be supposed1 this outrage by no means weakened the ,mormon cause2 their ,prophet was now a martyr1 and his name became more powerful after death than it could possibly have been had he lived4 ,it was1 however1 clearer than ever that nothing could now reconcile the people of ,illinois to the ,mormons1 and the latter seriously began to think of leaving that ,state in a body as they had formerly left ,missouri4 ,the terrible doings of those times ,i have no idea of relating just now2 ,i simply allude to them in order that the reader may understand how1 in the excitement produced in that border-warfare1 it was possible for such strange events as afterwards transpired in ,utah to originate4 ,i may simply add1 that the ,temple being completed1 and the first 8,endowments0 given there1 the people gathered up what little property they could rescue from the mob1 and under the guidance of ,brigham ,young1 and amidst privations1 sufferings1 and outrages of the most painful character1 left the city which they had founded in ,illinois1 and set out for the ,rocky ,mountains1 where1 beside the ,great ,salt ,lake1 they founded their modern ,zion4 ,free now from the violence of mobs and ,gentile enmity1 it might have been supposed that the hatred which had so long been part of the ,mormon faith would have died a natural death4 ,the contrary1 however1 was the case4 ,the ,mexican war was then raging1 and1 en route to the ,rocky ,mountains1 the ,mormons had received a proposal from the ,federal ,government that they should supply a regiment1 upon highly advantageous conditions1 to join the ,united ,states troops which were then operating in ,california4 ,this suggestion was kindly made1 for it was thought that the ,mormon regiment thus raised would in reality be only marching their own way in going to ,california1 and that the outfits1 pay1 arms1 c41 which were to be theirs1 after the year for which they were enrolled had expired1 would be of essential service to them4 ,it was like paying men liberally for making a journey for their own benefit4 ,notwithstanding all this1 ,brigham ,young and the leaders represented the transaction in quite another light1 and the people were taught that an engagement1 into which they had entered of their own free will1 and from which they had derived substantial advantages1 was an act of heartless cruelty and despotic tyranny on the part of the ,government4 ,this feeling was fostered1 until at length the ,saints as a body regarded themselves as a wronged and outraged people1 and considered every ,gentile1 in fact the whole nation1 as their natural enemies4 ,this was perhaps all the more singular1 since1 after the vast tract of country1 of which ,utah forms a part1 had1 at the end of the war1 been wrested from ,mexico1 ,brigham ,young had been appointed by ,president ,millard ,fillmore the first ,governor and ,indian ,agent of the territory2 he was therefore in ,federal pay1 and bound1 as long as he retained office1 to support the ,government1 or at the very least not to stir up disaffection4 ,trouble soon arose between ,governor ,young and the ,mormons on one side and the ,judges and ,united ,states courts and officials on the other4 ,once an armed mob burst into the ,supreme ,court1 and forced the ,judge then sitting to adjourn2 at another time a bonfire was made of the books and papers of the ,district ,courts2 then a ,judge on the bench was threatened with personal outrage2 and subsequently a posse summoned by legal767 process 8encamped0 for a whole fortnight over against another posse summoned without legal process1 the two bodies burning with bitter hatred and breathing out threatenings and slaughter4 ,such a state of affairs could not1 of course1 last long4 ,on the one side the wildest statements were publicly made against the ,government2 threats which1 uttered by a little band of pioneers against a mighty nation1 were perfectly ridiculous1 stirred up the hearts of the ,saints4 ,on the other hand it was pretty certain that ,federal troops would have to be sent out to ,utah to preserve the peace of the ,territory4 ,the ,federal ,government was nevertheless defied1 abused1 and derided1 and the people1 thoroughly blinded by their fanaticism1 did not for a moment doubt that1 should ,governor ,young 8declare war10 the ,united ,states troops would vanish before the 8,armies0 of the ,saints like chaff upon the threshing-floor4 ,so absurd does all this appear that ,i should really hardly venture to repeat it were it not that every one in ,utah--,mormon and ,gentile--knows that ,i am really understating facts rather than otherwise4 ,very soon came a crisis in ,mormon history1 for which all the wild sayings and unlawful doings had been so long paving the way3--8,,the ,,reformation0 was destined to be the crowning point of ,saintly folly and ,saintly sin4 ,,chapter ,,xxv4 ,,the 8,,reign ,,of ,,terror0 ,,in ,,utah3--,,the ,,reformation ,,of ,,the ,,saints4 ,the people were now thoroughly excited4 ,their religious antipathy1 their political hatred--two of the most powerful passions which move individuals or bodies of men--had been appealed to1 and both in public and private they had been stirred up to a pitch of frenzy which it is hardly possible at the present time to comprehend4 ,there were whisperings now of a most fearful doctrine1 calculated not only to strike terror into the hearts of those whose faith was weakening1 but even to shock with a sense of horror those who only heard of it from afar--,i mean the doctrine of the ,,blood ,,atonement4 ,the ,saints had all along been taught to distinguish between murder and the shedding of innocent blood--the former being spoken of as a crime for which atonement might be made1 but for the latter there was no repentance on earth--it was an unpardonable sin4 ,they were also taught to distinguish carefully between sins which might be forgiven1 and sins for which pardon was impossible4 ,now the difference between murder and shedding innocent blood is this3--the latter is the crime of killing a ,saint1 which can never be forgiven1 but by the death of the transgressor2 but the former is of quite a different character4 ,to murder a ,gentile may sometimes be inexpedient1 or perhaps even to a certain extent wrong1 but it is seldom if ever a crime1 and never an unpardonable sin4 ,a friend of mine was in a state of apostacy4 ,the ,bishop went to her to expostulate1 and told her that1 if he were her husband1 he would get rid of her and take away her children as well--he would not on any account live with her4 8,perhaps10 she said1 8you would not allow me to live at all80 8,certainly not10 he replied4 8,i would think about as much of killing you or any other miserable ,apostate as ,i would about killing a cat4 ,if ,brigham ,young were to tell me to put you to death1 ,i would do it with the greatest of pleasure2--and it would be for your good1 too40 ,thus1 when the famous ,revelation on ,polygamy says that a man cannot be pardoned for shedding innocent blood1 it does not mean that he cannot be pardoned for murdering a ,gentile or an ,apostate2 for that1 under some circumstances1 might even be meritorious2 but that the murder of a ,saint by one of the brethren cannot under any circumstances be forgiven on earth1 and that his only chance of forgiveness lies in his own blood being shed as an 8atonement40 ,certain sins cannot be forgiven here on earth--shedding innocent blood1 divulging the secrets of the ,endowment ,house--marital unfaithfulness on the part of the wife--,apostacy2--these are unpardonable4 ,all other crimes which ,gentiles abhor may become even virtues1 if done in the cause of the ,church4 ,i do not1 of course1 mean to say that the mass of the ,mormon people act up to such atrocious doctrines2 for although1 when among themselves1 they would admit that the theory was correct1 the better instincts of their nature keep them from ever putting that theory into practice4 ,but what ,i do mean to say is1 that such doctrines have1 over and over again1 been distinctly taught in the plainest words in the public hearing of thousands2 that they have been printed and reprinted by authority2 that they have been practised1 and the very highest of the ,mormon leaders have applauded2 and that1 even at the present moment1 these doctrines form part of the dogmas of the ,church4 ,it is this day a matter of fact1 and not a matter of question1 that if any ,mormon ,apostate were to commit any of the unpardonable sins which ,i have mentioned1 and if he or she were to be assassinated by a private individual1 all zealous ,mormons--all the leaders--would maintain that not only was the deed justifiable but even meritorious6 ,this may seem bad enough1 but it is not the worst4 ,the doctrine of the 8,,blood ,,atonement0 is that the murder of an ,apostate is a deed of love6 ,if a ,saint sees another leave the ,church1 or if even he only believes that his brother's faith is weakening and that he will apostatize before long1 he knows that the soul of his unbelieving brother will be lost if he dies in such a state1 and that only by his blood being shed is there any chance of forgiveness for him2 it is therefore the kindest action that he can perform toward him to shed his blood--the doing so is a deed of truest love4 ,the nearer1 the dearer1 the more tenderly loved the sinner is1 the greater the affection shown by the shedder of blood--the action is no longer murder or the shedding of innocent blood1 for the taint of apostacy takes away its innocence--it is making atonement1 not a crime2 it is an act of mercy1 therefore meritorious4 ,these were the terrible teachings which the 8,reformation0 brought to light3--they had been whispered before among the elect1 and had been acted upon by the 8,avenging ,angels10 but before this they had never been publicly and intelligibly explained4 ,jedediah ,m4 ,grant1 an enthusiast of the wildest kind2 a man without education or mental discipline of any description2 one of the ,first ,presidency and high in authority among the ,saints1 had occasion to attend a meeting which was held at ,kaysville1 a place about twenty-five miles distant from ,salt ,lake ,city1 and he invited some of the ,elders to meet him there to take part in the proceedings4 ,to one of these 8,jeddy10 as he was familiarly called1 obligingly lent a mule2 he himself did not accompany the party1 but went on before4 ,these elders were pretty well mounted1 and one of them1 being a good horseman1 made the rest keep up with him4 ,in consequence of this1 when they arrived at ,kaysville1 the beasts were heated and tired4 ,the ,apostle 8,jeddy0 watched them but said nothing4 ,up to a certain point1 the meeting passed off pleasantly enough2 the ,elders present were 8good at testimony0 and strong in exhorting the hearers to faithfulness4 ,jeddy was the last speaker4 ,he began in his usual way1 but presently warmed up until he became quite excited1 and then proceeded to accuse every one present of all sorts of wrong-doing4 ,the ,elders who had preceded him came in for their full share2 he denounced them for their inconsistency and hypocrisy1 and bitterly upbraided them for running his mule and their own beasts in such a manner4 ,the ,bishop of the place and his counsellors he accused of inactivity and carelessness2 and he called loudly upon every one present to repent and do their first works2 threatening them with the speedy judgments of ,heaven4 ,all this was well enough if it had stopped there1 for it might have been taken for just what it was--an ebullition of temper on the part of 8,jeddy10 who was naturally vexed that his mule had been over-heated4 ,but1 like many other manias and epidemics1 this ,mormon movement began with a most insignificant trifle1 and the spirit of fiery denunciation became perfectly contagious4 ,another meeting was held in the course of a few weeks1 and then the mutual accusations of those who were present became1 if possible1 more bitter than before2 the 8,saints0 were denounced as the vilest of sinners1 and they were all commanded to be re-baptized4 ,accordingly1 after the meeting1 although it was night and the weather was cold1 a considerable number were immersed by the ,elders1 and ,jeddy himself was so enthusiastically engaged in the performance1 and he remained in the water so long that he got a thorough chill1 and contracted the disease of which he died4 ,sunday after ,sunday similar scenes were repeated in the ,tabernacle1 until1 had it not been painful1 the whole affair would have been ludicrous in the extreme4 ,every one had strayed from the path of duty1 and the fact was announced in the strongest terms4 ,people were called upon by name to publicly confess their sins1 and many were then and there pointed out and accused of crimes of which they were entirely guiltless1 but which they dared not deny4 ,in the midst of all this1 the duty of implicit obedience to the ,priesthood and the payment of tithes was loudly insisted upon4 ,the ,missionaries were sent out all over the territory1 armed with the full authority of the ,priesthood1 and also a catechism which1 on account of its obscene character1 has since been bought up so successfully by ,brigham that it is doubtful if there is a copy in existence4 ,the ,mormons have a curious way of appointing ,missionaries4 ,if a man is weak in the faith--a depraved1 bad man--or if a youth exhibits a disposition to sow his wild oats a little too luxuriantly1 he is sent on his travels to preach the ,gospel2 nothing strengthens a man's faith1 it is thought1 more than having to defend it from the opposition of unbelievers1 and the enforced good example which the ,missionary is obliged to set will1 it is said1 produce a salutary effect upon the exuberance of youth or the depravity of more mature years4 ,in the present instance many of the ,missionaries thus sent forth were known to be as immoral as they were grossly ignorant4 ,there was one terrible meeting at which ,brigham himself was put to the blush4 ,men of note were there2 no one was present who did not belong to the ,priesthood4 8,jeddy0 held forth1 and ,heber and ,brigham were strong upon the occasion4 ,in the midst of the proceedings1 ,brother ,brigham1 full of confidence1 in the plainest words called upon all who could not plead guiltless of certain crimes to stand up4 ,three-fourths of those present immediately arose4 ,utterly shocked1 the ,prophet entered into explanations2 but self-convicted these three-fourths of his hearers stood conscientiously firm4 ,even ,brigham saw the necessity of taking some stringent measures4 ,the ,saints were told that if they were re-baptized their sins would be washed away1 and they could then say they were not guilty of the crimes suggested in the catechism4 ,subsequently the catechism itself was1 as ,i said1 bought up and burnt4 ,the burden of every sermon was unquestioning obedience1 repentance1 payment of tithing1 and above all the taking of more wives4 ,the ,missionaries1 without the slightest ceremony1 would visit the houses of respectable ,saints1 examine them out of the abominable catechism1 and question husbands and wives in the presence of their children about even their very thoughts1 in a manner1 and upon subjects1 which would amply have justified their being hung up to the nearest tree2 ,lynch law was in fact too good for such atrocities4 ,wicked ideas1 the utterance of which would have called forth a blush1 even if heard from the lips of a drunken rowdy in a pot-house1 were suggested and explained to young children2 while it would have been literally at the risk of life for their parents to have expostulated2 to do so would have shown want of faith1 and want of faith would have justified some fanatical scoundrel in using his knife or his pistol for the loving purpose of cutting off his brother's soul from earth in order to save it in heaven6 ,meanwhile ,jedediah did not for a moment cease his exhortations2 the work must be done thoroughly3 the ,blood-,atonement must not be forgotten4 ,on one occasion1 in the ,tabernacle1 this crazy fanatic said3-- 8,i would advise some of you men here to go to ,president ,young1 and confess your sins1 and ask him to take you outside the city and have your blood shed to atone for your sins40 444 8,there are men and women that ,i would advise to go to the ,president immediately1 and ask him to appoint a committee to attend to their case2 and then let a place be selected1 and let that committee shed their blood4444 8,i would ask how many covenant-breakers there are in this city and in this kingdom8 ,i believe that there are a great many2 and if they are covenant-breakers1 we need a place designated where we can shed their blood40 444 8,we have been trying long enough with this people1 and ,i go in for letting the sword of the ,almighty be unsheathed1 not only in word but in deed40 ,lest he should be mistaken1 he said3-- 8,what ought this meek people who keep the commandments of ,god do unto them8 #8,why1' says one1 #8they ought to pray the ,lord to kill them1' ,i want to know if you would wish the ,lord to come down and do all your dirty work84444 ,when a man prays for a thing1 he ought to be willing to perform it himself4444 ,putting to death the transgressors would exhibit the law of ,god1 no matter by whom it was done40 ,heber ,c4 ,kimball1 the 8model ,saint10 after a speech to the same effect1 in which1 as usual1 he made use of the most disgusting language1 added3-- 8,joseph ,smith was ,god to the inhabitants of the earth when he was among us1 and ,brigham is ,god now60 ,but more shocking than any other was the language of ,brigham ,young himself4 ,on the #bast of ,september1 #ahef1 in a discourse delivered in the ,bowery1 ,great ,salt ,lake ,city1 and afterwards reprinted by authority in the ,journals of ,discourses1 vol4 iv41 pp4 #ec-d1 he said3-- 8,the time is coming when justice will be laid to the line and righteousness to the plummet2 when we shall take the old broadsword and ask1 #8,are you for ,god8' and if you are not heartily on the ,lord's side1 you will be hewn down60 444 8,there are sins that men commit for which they cannot receive forgiveness in this world or in that which is to come2 and if they had their eyes opened to see their true condition1 they would be perfectly willing to have their blood spilt upon the ground1 that the smoke thereof might ascend to ,heaven as an offering for their sins1 and the smoking incense would atone for their sins2 whereas1 if such is not the case1 they will stick to them and remain with them in the spirit world4 8,i know1 when you hear my brethren telling about cutting people off from the earth1 that you consider it is strong doctrine2 but it is to save them1 not to destroy them4444 8,i do know that there are sins committed of such a nature that1 if the people did understand the doctrine of salvation1 they would tremble because of their situation4 ,and1 furthermore1 ,i know that there are transgressors who1 if they knew themselves1 and the only condition upon which they can obtain forgiveness1 would beg of their brethren to shed their blood1 that the smoke thereof might ascend to ,god as an offering to appease the wrath that is kindled against them1 and that the law might have its course4 ,i will say1 further1 ,i have had men come to me and offer their lives to atone for their sins4 8,it is true that the blood of the ,son of ,god was shed for sins through the fall and those committed by men1 yet men can commit sins which it can never remit4 ,as it was in ancient days1 so it is in our day2 and though the principles are taught publicly from this stand1 still the people do not understand them2 yet the law is precisely the same4 ,there are sins that can be atoned for by an offering upon an altar1 as in ancient days2 and there are sins that the blood of a lamb1 of a calf1 or of turtle doves cannot remit1 but they must be atoned for by the blood of the man40 ,one would have supposed that even ,brigham had now reached the culminating point of horror and blasphemy4 ,but no2--a month or so later he even surpassed himself when in a ,tabernacle sermon he said3-- 8,when will we love our neighbours as ourselves8 ,in the first place1 ,jesus said that no man hateth his own flesh4 ,it is admitted by all that every person loves himself4 ,now if we do rightly love ourselves1 we want to be saved1 and continue to exist2 we want to go into the kingdom where we can enjoy eternity1 and see no more sorrow nor death4 ,this is the desire of every person who believes in ,god4 ,now take a person in this congregation who has knowledge with regard to being saved in the kingdom of our ,god and our ,father1 and being exalted1 one who knows and understands the principles of eternal life1 and sees the beauties and excellency of the eternities before him compared with the vain and foolish things of the world1 and suppose that he is overtaken in a gross fault1 that he had committed a sin that he knows will deprive him of that exaltation which he desires1 and that he cannot attain to it without the shedding of his blood1 and also knows that by having his blood shed he will atone for that sin and be saved and exalted with the gods1 is there a man or a woman in this house but would say1 #8,shed my blood that ,i might be saved and exalted with the gods8' 8,all mankind love themselves3 and let those principles but be known by an individual1 and he would be glad to have his blood shed4 ,this would be loving ourselves even unto an eternal exaltation4 ,will you love your brothers or sisters likewise when they have a sin that cannot be atoned for without the shedding of their blood8 ,will you love that man or woman well enough to shed their blood8 ,that is what ,jesus ,christ meant4 ,he never told a man or woman to love their enemies in their wickedness1 never4 ,he never meant any such thing2 ,his language is left as it is for those to read who have the spirit to discern between truth and error2 it was so left for those who can discern the things of ,god4 ,jesus ,christ never meant that we should love a wicked man in his wickedness4 8,i could refer you to plenty of instances where men have been righteously slain in order to atone for their sins4 ,i have seen scores and hundreds of people for whom there would have been a chance 7in the last resurrection there will be7 if their lives had been taken and their blood spilled on the ground as a smoking incense to the ,almighty1 but who are now angels to the devil1 until our elder brother1 ,jesus ,christ1 raises them up and conquers death1 hell1 and the grave4 8,i have known a great many men who have left this church1 for whom there is no chance whatever for exaltion1 but if their blood had been spilled it would have been better for them4 8,the wickedness and ignorance of the nations forbid this principle being in full force1 but the time will come when the law of ,god will be in full force4 ,this is loving our neighbour as ourselves2 if he needs help1 help him2 if he wants salvation1 and it is necessary to spill his blood on the earth in order that he may be saved1 spill it4 8,any of you who understand the principles of eternity1 if you have sinned a sin requiring the shedding of blood1 except the sin unto death1 should not be satisfied or rest until your blood should be spilled1 that you might gain that salvation you desire4 ,that is the way to love mankind4444 ,light and darkness cannot dwell together1 and so it is with the kingdom of ,god4 8,now1 brethren and sisters1 will you live your religion8 ,how many hundreds of times have ,i asked that question6 ,will the ,latter-,day ,saints live their religion80 ,and so1 according to ,brigham ,young1 their ,prophet1 this was the religion of the ,saints6 ,and the people acted up to the 8religion0 thus taught3 and the story is so terrible that one dare not even whisper all its details4 ,it is no secret that all this was understood literally4 ,the wife of one ,elder1 when he was absent on a mission1 acted unfaithfully towards him4 ,her husband took counsel of the authorities1 and was reminded that the shedding of her blood alone could save her4 ,he returned and told her1 but she asked for time1 which was readily granted4 ,one day1 in a moment of affection1 when she was seated on his knee1 he reminded her of her doom1 and suggested that now when their hearts were full of love was a suitable time for carrying it into execution4 ,she acquiesced1 and out of love he cut her throat from ear to ear4 ,in many instances the outrages committed against persons who were known to be innocent were so revolting that no woman--nay1 even no right-minded man--would venture to more than just allude to them4 ,a few1 however1 and only a few1 and they by no means the worst1 of the milder cases ,i will just mention4 ,there was the murder of the ,aikin party--six persons--who were killed on their way to ,california4 ,the same year a man name ,yates was killed under atrocious circumstances2 and ,franklin ,mc,neil who had sued ,brigham for false imprisonment and who was killed at his hotel door4 ,there was ,sergeant ,pike1 and there was ,arnold and ,drown4 ,there was ,price and ,william ,bryan at ,fairfield2 there was ,almon ,babbitt1 and ,brassfield1 and ,dr4 ,robinson2 there was also ,james ,cowdy and his wife and child1 and ,margetts and his wife2 and many another1 too--to say nothing of that frightful murder at the ,mountain ,meadows4 ,besides these there is good reason to think that ,lieutenant ,gunnison and his party were also victims1 although it was said that they were shot by 8,indians40 ,the ,potter and ,parrish murders were notorious2 ,forbes1 and ,jones and his mother1 might be added to the same list2 the dumb boy1 ,andrew ,bernard2 a woman killed by her own husband2 ,morris the rival ,prophet1 and ,banks1 and four women who belonged to their party2 ,isaac ,potter1 and ,charles ,wilson1 and ,john ,walker4 ,these are but a few4 ,the death list is too long for me to venture to give it4 ,one instance ,i can give from my own personal knowledge4 ,a sister1 who occasionally does a little work at my house1 on one occasion said to me3 8,mrs4 ,stenhouse1 when first ,i came to this country ,i lived in the southern portion of ,utah4 ,one day ,i saw a woman running across the fields towards our house1 pale and trembling4 ,when she came in she looked round her as if she were frightened1 and she asked if any one besides our own family were present4 ,on being assured that there was no one present whom she might fear1 she said3--#8,two men came to our house late last night and asked to see my husband1 who had already retired4 ,he was in bed1 but they insisted that he must get up1 as they had a message from 8the authorities0 for him4 ,when they saw him they requested him to go with them to attend1 they said1 to some ,church business4 ,i became very much alarmed1 for my poor husband had been known to speak rather freely of late of some of the measures of the ,church1 but he tried to reassure me1 and finally left the house with the two men4 ,in about an hour after they came back1 bearing between them his lifeless body4 ,they laid him upon the bed1 and then one of them pulled aside the curtain which constituted our only cupboard1 and took therefrom a bake-kettle and stood it beside the bed1 in order to catch the blood that was flowing from a fearful wound in his throat4 ,they then left the house1 telling me to make as little noise about it as possible1 or they might serve me in the same way4 ,the men were masked1 and ,i cannot tell who they are1 but ,i spent a fearful night with my poor dead husband4'0 ,this sister added3 8,sister ,stenhouse1 in those more fearful times we dared not speak to each other about such things for fear of spies40 ,these were all well-known and notorious instances4 ,i say nothing of those of whose fate nothing--not even a whisper--was ever heard2 and ,i say nothing of the frightful 8cuttings off0 before the ,reformation and in recent years4 ,gentile men and women were killed1 for hatred2 and that 8killing0 was no murder1 for theirs was not innocent blood4 ,apostates1 and ,saints of doubtful faith1 and those who were obnoxious1 had their blood shed--all for love--and that 8cutting off0 was also no murder1 because to secure their salvation by cutting their throats was an act of mercy4 ,can it be possible that men should thus act and say--and believe--that ,jesus1 the gentle and merciful ,saviour1 commanded it when ,he said3 8,thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself08 ,all through this ,reign of ,terror1 marrying and giving in marriage was the order of the day4 ,it mattered not if a man was seventy years of age1 according to ,brother ,brigham he was still a boy--8the brethren are all boys until they are a hundred years old0--and some young girl of sixteen1 fifteen1 or even younger would be 8counselled0--that is1 commanded--to marry him4 ,she might even have a sister no older than herself1 and then as likely as not he would take the two to wife1 and very probably both on the same day4 ,the girls were told that to marry a young man was not a safe thing1 for young men were not tried--it was better to marry a well-tested patriarch1 and then their chances of 8exaltation0 in the kingdom of heaven were sure and certain4 ,in this way the life-long happiness of many a girl--little more than a child--was blighted for ever4 ,at the time of which ,i speak1 every unmarried woman1 or girl who could by the utmost stretch of possibility be thought old enough to marry1 was forced to find a husband1 or a husband was immediately found for her1 and without any regard to her wishes was forced upon her4 ,young men1 and even boys1 were forced1 not only into marriage1 but even polygamy1 and none dared resist4 ,the marrying mania1 in fact1 was universal and irresistible--everyone must marry or be given in marriage4 ,so evidently was this the case that women in jest said that1 if one were to hang a petticoat upon a fence-pole1 half a dozen men would flock at once to marry it6 ,absurd as this may seem1 it was not very far from the truth4 ,young men and maidens1 old men and children1 widows1 virgins1 and youths--in fact1 every one1 whether married or unmarried1 it mattered not1 was 8counselled0--commanded--to marry4 ,there is above fanaticism a stronger law which1 despite every effort of the deluded victim1 will occasionally make itself heard--the voice of ,nature4 ,even during that strange time in which every ,saint seemed to have gone stark crazy mad1 the frightful anomaly of men of fifty1 sixty1 and even seventy1 marrying mere children--girls of fourteen1 and even thirteen--forced itself upon the attention of some of the leaders4 ,the question arose--an odd question to ,gentile ears--8,at what age is a girl old enough to marry80 ,considerable discussion ensued1 and even in the ,tabernacle the subject was taken up4 ,the voice of authority1 however1 eventually answered the matter1 but not in the way that any ordinary civilized person would expect4 ,in those times1 unmarried girls were very scarce--in the settlements it was difficult to find any at all4 ,not infrequently it happened that a brother was 8counselled0 to marry1 but could not obey1 as there was no unmarried woman in the place where he lived4 ,in that case he generally paid a visit to ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,but business at the ,endowment ,house nevertheless was pretty lively2 in fact1 so much so that it was deemed necessary to set apart certain days for the various ,settlements4 ,once1 when the 8,provo day0 was fast approaching1 two old brethren from that town who had been counselled to enlarge their families1 but who had been unsuccessful in finding partners1 began to despair of being able to obey 8the word of the ,lord60 ,the day before that appointed for the ,endowments and ,celestial ,marriage arrived1 and they were as far from success as ever4 ,being neighbours1 the two old gentlemen met and mingled their griefs1 and considered what might be done4 ,it then occurred to them that there was a certain brother who had two daughters1 respectively twelve and fourteen years of age1 and they resolved to call upon him about these children4 ,as might be supposed1 the father at first refused them1 giving as a reason that the girls were too young4 ,the old men explained that if they could not marry the children it was impossible for them to 8obey counsel10 and the father then agreed4 ,the next morning the marriage ceremony was performed in the ,endowment ,house4 ,one of these wretches was sixty years of age1 and the other a few years younger4 ,the father of the children was about forty4 ,i am really afraid that the reader will think that ,i exaggerate or misrepresent facts4 ,i wish it were so1 for the case is so outrageously atrocious2 but ,i am sorry to say that scores and hundreds of instances similar to this1 which occurred during the ,reformation1 might be given4 ,there are before me as ,i write1 letters1 papers1 documents of various sorts relative to marriage and the matrimonial affairs of the ,saints1 at the time of which ,i speak1 that ,i wish the reader could peep at4 ,i would not like him to read them--in fact1 ,i dared not read them all myself1 for some of them are so shameful that the mere knowledge of having read them through would make any right-minded person blush4 ,taking more wives was the order of the day--how1 was of little matter4 ,the work of 8,reformation0 was in full progress2 the people were excited to frenzy2 the ,federal troops were expected2 men were marrying and maidens were given in marriage2 every one in ,utah was looking forward to the time when the ,prophecies of ,joseph1 the ,seer1 should be fulfilled1 and the ,son of ,man should come3--and then1 when one would have supposed that every man would have wished that his hands should be pure1 was perpetrated a deed which is unparalleled in modern civilized times--a deed at which angels and men have stood aghast with horror4 ,illustration3 ,,bishop ,,john ,d4 ,,lee1 ,mormon ,commander in the ,mountain ,meadow ,massacre4 ,illustration3 ,,john ,,taylor1 ,acting ,president of the ,mormon ,church4 ,born in ,westmoreland1 ,england1 in #ahjc4 ,,chapter ,,xxvi4 ,,the ,,mountain ,,meadows ,,massacre3--8,i ,,will ,,repay1 ,,saith ,,the ,,lord40 ,i feel myself utterly incompetent to tell the story of the ,mountain ,meadows ,massacre--it is so shocking1 so fiend-like4 ,and yet it must be told4 ,while the work of 8,reformation0 was going on1 and when the ,united ,states troops were constantly expected in the ,valley of the ,great ,salt ,lake1 a large train of emigrants passed through ,utah on its way to ,california4 ,the train consisted of one hundred and twenty or one hundred and thirty persons1 and they came chiefly from ,arkansas4 ,they were people from the country districts1 sober1 hard-working1 plain folks1 but well-to-do1 and1 taken all in all1 about as respectable a band of emigrants as ever passed through ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,nothing worthy of any particular note occurred to them until they reached the ,valley--that was the point from which they started towards death4 ,my old friend ,eli ,b4 ,kelsey travelled with them from ,fort ,bridger to ,salt ,lake ,city1 and he spoke of them in the highest terms4 ,if ,i remember rightly he said that the train was divided into two parts--the first a rough-and-ready set of men--regular frontier pioneers2 the other a picked community1 the members of which were all more or less connected by family ties4 ,they travelled along in the most orderly fashion1 without hurry or confusion4 ,on ,sunday they rested1 and one of their number who had been a ,methodist preacher conducted divine service4 ,all went well until they reached ,salt ,lake ,city1 where they expected to be able to refit and replenish their stock of provisions2 but it was there that they first discovered that feeling of enmity which finally resulted in their destruction4 ,now it so happened that the minds of the ,saints in ,salt ,lake ,city were at that time strongly prejudiced against the people of ,arkansas1 and for a most unsaintly reason4 ,the ,apostle ,parley ,p4 ,pratt was one of the earliest converts to ,mormonism1 and who so ably defended his adopted creed with his pen and from the platform1 had not very long before been sojourning in ,arkansas1 and had there run away with another man's wife4 ,this was only a trifle for an 8,apostle0 to do1 and the husband--,mr4 ,mc,lean--might have known it4 ,but he was a most inconsiderate man1 and was actually offended with the amorous ,apostle for what he had done4 ,he pursued him and killed him1 for in those rough parts it was considered that the ,apostle did wrong in marrying the man's wife4 ,nobody1 however1 took any notice of the matter or brought the murderer to trial4 ,the ,mormon people1 of course1 took the side of the ,apostle ,parley ,p4 ,pratt4 ,sensitive themselves to the highest degree concerning their wives and daughters1 they considered ,mc,lean a sinner for doing just exactly what any ,saint would have certainly done4 ,their opinion1 however1 would have been a matter of consequence only to themselves1 had not such fatal consequences resulted from it4 ,reasoning without reason1 they argued that ,mc,lean was the enemy of every ,mormon1 and every ,mormon was the enemy of ,mc,lean2 ,mc,lean was protected in ,arkansas--therefore every man from ,arkansas was an enemy of the ,mormons2--an enemy ought to be cut off--therefore it was the duty of every ,mormon to 8cut off0--if he could--every ,arkansas man4 ,this appears to have been the tone of thought which actuated the minds of the leaders of the people at the time when this emigrant train arrived in the ,city4 ,weary and footsore they encamped by the ,jordan ,river1 trusting there to recruit themselves and their teams1 and to replenish their stock of provisions4 ,the harvest in ,utah that year had been abundant1 and there was nothing to hinder them from obtaining a speedy and full supply4 ,brigham ,young was then ,governor of ,utah ,territory1 ,commander-in-,chief of the ,militia1 and ,indian ,agent as well3 he was therefore responsible for all that took place within his jurisdiction4 ,it was his duty to protect all law-abiding persons who either resided in or travelled through the country4 ,the emigrants1 so far from being protected1 were ordered to break up their camp and move on2 and it is said that written instructions were sent on before them1 directing the people in the settlements through which they would have to pass to have no dealings with them4 ,this1 considering their need of provisions1 was much the same as condemning them to certain death4 ,compelled to travel on1 they pursued their journey slowly towards ,los ,angeles4 ,at ,american ,fork they wished to trade off some of their worn-out stock and to purchase fresh--they also desired to obtain provisions4 ,there was abundance of everything from the farm and from the field1 for ,god had very greatly blessed the land that year2 but they could obtain nothing4 ,they passed on1 and went through ,battle ,creek1 ,provo1 ,springville1 ,spanish ,fork1 ,payson1 ,salt ,creek1 and ,fillmore1 and their reception was still the same1--the word of the ,mormon ,pontiff had gone forth1 and no man dared to hold communion or to trade with them4 ,now and then1 some ,mormon1 weak in the faith or braver or more fond of money than his fellows1 would steal into the camp1 in the darkness of the night1 bearing with him just what he was able to carry2 but beyond this they could procure nothing4 ,their only hope now lay in the chance of holding out until they could push through to some ,gentile settlement where the word of the priestly ,governor of ,utah was not law4 ,through fifteen different ,mormon settlements did they pass1 without being able to purchase a morsel of bread4 ,with empty waggons and on short allowance1 they pushed on until they reached ,corn ,creek1 where1 for the first time in saintly ,utah1 they met a friendly greeting from the ,indians1 and purchased from them thirty bushels of corn1 of which they stood very greatly in need4 ,at ,beaver they were again repulsed1 and at ,parowan they were not permitted to enter the town--they were forced to leave the public highway and pass round the west side of the fort wall4 ,they encamped by the stream1 and tried as before to obtain food and fresh cattle1 but again to no purpose4 ,the reason why they were refused admission to the town was probably because the militia was there assembled under ,colonel ,wm4 ,h4 ,dame--which militia afterwards assisted in their destruction1 for which preparations were even now being made4 ,they made their way to ,cedar ,city1 the most populous of all the towns of ,southern ,utah4 ,here they were allowed to purchase fifty bushels of tithing wheat1 and to have it ground at the mill of that infamous scoundrel ,john ,d4 ,lee1 upon whose memory will rest the eternal curses of all who have ever heard his name4 ,it was1 however1 no act of mercy1 the supplying of this corn4 ,the sellers of it knew well enough even then that it would return to them again in the course of a few days4 ,after all1 they had but forty days' rations to carry them on to ,san ,bernardino1 in ,california--a journey of about seventy days4 ,scanty kindness--miserable generosity6--fifty bushels of corn for a seventy days' journey1 for men1 women1 and young children1 and at least one little one to be born on the road4 ,they remained in ,cedar ,city only one day1 and so jaded were their teams that it took them three days to travel thence to ,iron ,creek1 a distance of twenty miles2 and two days were occupied in journeying fifteen miles--the distance between ,iron ,creek and the ,meadows4 ,the morning after they left ,iron ,creek1 the ,mormon militia followed them in pursuit1 intending1 it is supposed1 to assault them at ,clara ,crossing4 ,that this was no private outburst1 and that1 on the contrary1 it was done by authority1 is evident from sworn testimony to the effect that the assembling of those troops was the result of 8a regular military call from the superior officers to the subordinate officers and privates of the regiments4444 ,said regiment was duly ordered to muster1 armed and equipped as the law directs1 and prepared for field operations40 ,a regular military council was held at ,parowan1 at which were present ,president ,isaac ,c4 ,haight1 the ,mormon ,high ,priest of ,southern ,utah1 ,colonel ,dame1 ,major ,john ,d4 ,lee1 and the ,apostle ,george ,a4 ,smith4 ,no military council1 whether of the militia or the ordinary troops of the line1 would dare to determine upon such an important matter as the cutting off of an emigrant train of one hundred and thirty persons without receiving permission from superior authority4 ,brigham ,young was in this case the superior authority--he was the ,commander-in-,chief of the ,militia3--the inference is obvious4 ,i do not1 of course1 say that he gave the order for this accursed deed1 but that it was his business to bring the criminals to justice no one can doubt or deny4 ,the regiment1 which started from ,cedar ,city under the command of ,major ,john ,d4 ,lee1 the sub-agent for ,indian affairs in ,southern ,utah1 was accompanied by baggage-waggons and the other paraphernalia of war excepting only heavy artillery1 which in this case would have been useless4 ,but1 at the same time1 a large body of the ,piede ,indians had been invited to accompany them4 ,an order came from head-quarters to cut off the entire company except the little children4 ,the emigrants were utterly unprepared1 and the first onslaught found them defenceless4 ,accustomed1 however1 to border warfare1 they immediately corralled their waggons and prepared for a siege--their great misfortune was that they had not any water--,major ,john ,d4 ,lee1 finding the emigrants resolute1 sent to ,cedar ,city and ,washington ,city for reinforcements1 which duly arrived4 ,the next morning1 ,major ,john ,d4 ,lee assembled his troops1 including the auxiliaries which he had summoned1 about half a mile from the entrenchment of the fated emigrants1 and then and there informed them1 with all the coolness which such an infamous scoundrel alone could muster1 that the whole company was to be killed1 and only the little children who were too young to remember anything were to be spared4 ,the unfortunate emigrants did not know who their foes were4 ,they saw ,indians1 or men who were so coloured that they looked like ,indians1 and they saw others who were more than strangers to them1 but they had no clue to the cause of their detention4 ,to them all was mystery4 ,that ,indians should attack them was quite within the bounds of probability1 although there was at that time no cause for such an outrage2 but that such an attack should be persistent1 and should be carried on under the peculiar circumstances in question1 was1 to say the least1 highly improbable4 ,who could rightly tell a story so fearful as this8 ,the emigrant train--men1 women1 and children fainting and famishing for want of bread and meat4 ,in their pockets was money wherewith the necessaries of life might have been bought1 and the generous hand of the ,almighty had that year been open so wide1 and had scattered those necessaries so liberally1 that nothing but the wickedness of man towards his fellow could have created a dearth4 ,but so it was that darkness and the fear of death--a fearful death even at the door--was all those poor emigrants had standing before their eyes4 ,what right had the ,mormon militia to be pursuing1 to be hanging about the skirts of any body of emigrants8 ,their very presence was in itself unauthorized--criminal4 ,the emigrants supposed that they were surrounded by ,indians1 and expected the cruellest treatment in case of resistance not only death1 but the outrage and shocking atrocities of savages4 ,they did not know that the red men who threatened their lives and the lives of their helpless wives and infants were brought together at that spot for that same purpose by the counsel of ,mormon authorities4 ,they did not know that so many of the appearing red-skins were only painted devils1 mocks of humanity1 wretches who under the mask of a red-skin's colour were eager to perpetrate the foulest of offences--scoundrels a thousand times damned in the opinion of men1 and by the decree of ,god4 ,day after day went by1 and the poor creatures began to despair--who can wonder8 ,the brave men cared little for their own lives2 but there was something fearful in the thought that their darling ones would be scalped1 and torn in pieces1 and brutally outraged6 ,who can wonder that they resolved to sell life as dearly as they possibly could8 ,they might at least die in defence of those they loved4 ,so day followed day4 ,the agony of the unhappy men and women who were thus besieged1 and were in daily1 hourly peril of the most frightful of all deaths1 can be imagined--not told4 ,meanwhile1 what were those atrocious scoundrels doing who were lying in wait for their blood8 ,some of them were tricked out as ,indians2 some were in their own proper dresses2 and1 moreover1 real ,utes were there4 ,the unhappy victims could not possibly escape--there was time for the murderers to do their work leisurely4 ,between chance shots1 which were intended to1 and did1 carry death with them1 they amused themselves with 8pitching horse-shoe quoits30--such heartlessness is almost beyond conception4 ,in terrible need of water1 they thought that even the ,indians1 who they supposed were their assailants1 might possibly respect a token of truce2 so they dressed two little girls in white and sent them down to the well4 ,but the fiends--the ,mormon militia--shot them down4 ,in the day of doom1 the blood of those babes will testify more heavily against ,major ,john ,d4 ,lee1 and ,isaac ,c4 ,haight1 and ,colonel ,dame1 and ,george ,a4 ,smith1 and the other wretch who plotted and contrived that fearful iniquity1 than any of the base and cowardly crimes which have for years and years blackened their contemptible and miserable souls4 ,they could not possibly advance4 ,their corn would not last long4 ,they were famishing for water4 ,how long they could hold out was evidently only a matter of time4 ,had the train consisted only of men1 they might certainly1 if with loss1 have cut their way through their besiegers and escaped2 but with wives and children1 and others bound to them by the tenderest ties1 such a thing was impossible4 ,they looked and waited4 ,savage ,indians they supposed were their only enemies4 ,coldly1 strangely as they had been treated at the ,mormon settlements1 they never for a moment supposed that white men could be in league against them or could meditate their destruction4 ,up in the meadows--in the distance--there was a white dusty cloud as if of some person or persons approaching3--the hearts of the emigrants leaped for joy4 ,was help coming at last8 ,it was evident that a waggon was coming near1 and the waggon was filled with armed men2--here was hope4 ,after all the misery of that waitful watching1 they were overjoyed1 and shouted aloud with gladness1 and sprang with open arms to welcome their visitors4 ,little did they suppose that the fiends who then came down1 with pale faces and the manners of white men1 were the same as those who1 painted and decked out like ,indians1 had been leaguered about their camp with murderous intentions for so many days4 ,the waggon came near1 and was found to be filled with armed men4 ,surely now1 the unhappy emigrants thought1 substantial help had come--the authorities of ,utah in the neighbourhood1 whether ,gentile or ,mormon1 had come out in the cause of civilization and humanity1 and succour was at hand4 ,a white flag was waved from the waggon as an emblem of peace1 and in order that the emigrants might know that it was white men and not the red demons of the hills who approached4 ,they did not1 indeed1 know that these themselves were the monsters who had wronged them all this time1 and who were even now compassing their death4 ,inside that waggon was ,president ,haight1 the infamous ,mormon ,bishop ,john ,d4 ,lee1 and other authorities of the ,church in ,southern ,utah4 ,they professed to the emigrants that they came upon the friendly errand of standing between them and the ,indians4 ,they said that the ,indians had taken offence at something that the emigrants had done1 that they were thirsting for their blood1 but that they1 the ,mormon officials1 were on good terms with them and had influence1 and would use their good offices in the cause of mercy and of peace4 ,after some discussion they left with the professed view of conciliating the ,indians4 ,then they returned and said that the ,indians had agreed that1 if the emigrants marched back to ,salt ,lake ,city1 their lives should be spared2 but that they must leave everything behind them in their camp1 even including the common weapons of defence which every ,western man carries about his person4 ,the ,mormon officials then solemnly undertook to bring an armed force and to guard the emigrants safely back again to the ,settlements4 ,the emigrants were not cowards1 and would doubtless have preferred to cut their way through to the south1 but they could not leave their wives and little ones1 and any terms1 however disadvantageous1 were better than leaving those they loved to the tender mercy of those wretches4 ,this agreement being made1 the ,mormon officials retired1 and after a short time again returned with thirty or forty armed men4 ,then the emigrants were marched out--the women and children in the front1 and the men following1 while the ,mormon guard followed in the rear4 ,when they had marched in this way about a mile1 and had arrived at the place where the ,indians were hid in the bushes on each side of the road1 the signal was given for the slaughter4 ,so taken by surprise were the emigrants1 and so implicitly had they confided in these murderers1 that they offered no resistance4 ,the ,mormon ,militia1 their guard1 immediately opened fire upon them from the rear1 while the ,indians1 and ,mormons disguised as ,indians1 who were hidden among the bushes1 rushed out upon them1 shooting them down with guns and bows and arrows1 and cutting some of the men's throats with knives4 ,the women and children1 shrieking with mortal terror1 scattered and fled1 some trying to hide in the bushes4 ,two young girls actually did escape for about a quarter of a mile1 when they were overtaken and butchered under circumstances of the greatest brutality4 ,the son of ,john ,d4 ,lee endeavoured to protect one poor girl who clung to him for help2 but his father1 tearing her from him by violence1 blew out her brains4 ,another unhappy girl is said to have kneeled to this same monster ,lee1 entreating him to spare her life4 ,he dragged her into the bushes1 stripped her naked1 and cut her throat from ear to ear1 after she had suffered worse at his hands than death itself4 ,about half an hour was probably occupied in the butchery1 and every soul of that company was cut off1 excepting only a few little children who were supposed to be too young to understand or remember what had taken place4 ,the unfortunate victims were stripped1 without reference to age or sex1 and then left to rot upon the field4 ,there they remained until torn and dismembered by the wolves1 when it was then thought prudent to conceal such as lay nearest to the road4 ,an eye-witness subsequently visiting the spot said3-- 8,the scene of the massacre1 even at this late day1 was horrible to look upon4 ,women's hair in detached locks and in masses hung to the sage bushes and was strewn over the ground in many places4 ,parts of little children's dresses and of female costume dangled from the shrubbery1 or lay scattered about1 and among these1 here and there on every hand1 for at least a mile in the direction of the road1 by two miles east and west1 there gleamed1 bleached white by the weather1 the skulls and other bones of those who had suffered4 ,a glance into the waggon1 when all these had been collected1 revealed a sight which never can be forgotten40 ,illustration3 ,,scene ,,of ,,the ,,mountain ,,meadow ,,massacre4 ,to face p4 #bee4 ,the remains were subsequently gathered together by ,major ,carleton1 the ,united ,states ,commissioner1 who erected over them a large cairn of stones1 surmounted by a cross of red cedar1 with the inscription thereon3 8,vengeance is mine3 ,i will repay1 saith the ,lord20 and on a stone beneath were engraved the words3-- 8,here #abj men1 women1 and children were massacred in cold blood1 early in ,september1 #aheg4 ,they were from ,arkansas40 ,it is said that this monument was subsequently destroyed by order of ,brigham ,young1 when he visited that part of the territory4 ,the little children1 while their parents were being butchered1 had clung about their murderers' knees1 entreating mercy1 but none of them finding it save those who were little more than infants4 ,their fears and cries the night after the murder are said to have been heart-rending4 ,one little babe1 just beginning to walk1 was shot through the arm4 ,another little girl was shot through the ear1 and the clothes of most of them were saturated with their mothers' blood4 ,they were distributed among the people of the settlements1 and when finally the ,government took them under the protection of the nation1 the people among whom these little ones lived actually charged for their boarding4 ,two of them are said to have uttered some words from which it was presumed that their intelligence was in advance of their years4 ,they were taken out quietly and buried6 ,this happened some time after the massacre4 ,most of the property of the emigrants was sold by public auction in ,cedar ,city3 the ,indians got most of the flour and ammunition1 and the ,mormons the more valuable articles4 ,they jested over it and called it 8,spoil taken at the siege of ,sevastopol40 ,there is legal proof that the clothing stripped from the corpses1 blood-stained1 riddled by the bullets1 and with shreds of flesh attached to it1 was placed in the cellar of the tithing office1 where it lay about three weeks1 when it was privately sold4 ,the cellar is said to have smelt of it for years4 ,long after this time1 jewellery torn from the mangled bodies of the unfortunate women was publicly worn in ,salt ,lake ,city1 and every one knew whence it came4 ,a tithing of it all is reported1 upon very conclusive evidence1 to have been laid at the feet of ,brigham ,young4 ,this is the story1 most imperfectly told1 for ,i dare not sketch its foulest details1 of the ,mountain ,meadows ,massacre4 ,brigham ,young1 who was at the time ,governor of the ,territory and also ,indian ,agent1 made no report of the matter4 ,let that fact of itself speak for his innocence or guilt4 ,would any other governor or agent in another territory have been thus silent8 ,john ,d4 ,lee1 and ,dame1 and ,haight1 and the other wretches have never been brought to trial or cut off from the ,church1 although their monstrous crime has never been a secret1 nor have any endeavours been made to conceal it4 ,this fearful deed was one of the unavoidable results of the teachings of the ,mormon leaders during the ,reformation4 ,there were crimes then perpetrated in secret which will never be known until the day of doom2 and there were horrors which have been known and recorded1 but for which no one has been brought to trial or has suffered inconvenience4 ,there are men in ,salt ,lake ,city1 who walk about unblushingly in broad daylight1 but who are known to be murderers1 and whose hands have been again and again dyed with blood under circumstances of the most atrocious cruelty4 ,there was one cruel murder1 but by no means the worst--which came under my own personal observation1 and which ,i have alluded to elsewhere--the murder of ,dr4 ,john ,king ,robinson in ,salt ,lake ,city1 which attracted more than ordinary attention4 ,this gentleman was a physician of good standing1 who came out as assistant-surgeon with the ,united ,states army1 and afterwards began to practise in ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,he was known as a man of unimpeachable moral character1 and there are to this day hundreds of responsible people who would testify to his fair fame and rectitude2 although he had by some means incurred the dislike of many of the ,mormon leaders4 ,he formed the idea of taking possession of some warm springs on the north of the city1 and proposed to erect there baths1 an hospital1 c4 ,a small wooden shanty was erected for the purpose of holding possession1 but the city authorities claimed the spring1 and1 after some very unpleasant proceedings1 the matter was referred to the law courts1 and ,judge ,titus decided against the doctor4 ,after this verdict had been rendered1 ,dr4 ,robinson seems to have acted very prudently1 and to have remained in-doors as much as possible during the succeeding days4 ,between eleven and twelve o'clock on the night of the third day1 however1 after the family had retired to rest1 a man called at the house1 and stating that his brother had broken his leg by a fall from a mule and was suffering very much1 he1 after some earnest persuasion1 induced the doctor to accompany him4 ,anxious as he might be to remain in-doors at such a time1 no professional man would refuse to perform an act of mercy4 ,he accordingly went4 ,at a distance of about a couple of hundred steps from the house he was struck over the head with some sharp instrument1 and immediately after shot through the brain4 ,his wife1 a young girl1 to whom he had only been married a very short time1 heard the report of the pistol1 and witnesses saw men fleeing from the spot4 ,the police were sent for1 and the body was carried to ,independence ,hall1 and afterwards to the victim's house4 ,the ,mayor of the city was not informed of the murder until ten o'clock the next day1 and the chief of police1 who was sitting round the fire with his men when news of the murder arrived1 went to bed immediately1 and did not visit the scene of the outrage for three days4 ,the following ,sunday1 ,brigham ,young1 in the ,tabernacle1 publicly suggested that the doctor had probably been murdered by some of the soldiers from ,camp ,douglas1 who were dissatisfied with his treatment when they were under his hands1 or else that he had fallen in some gambling transaction--both of which statements1 however1 were known by every one present to be utterly false4 ,no one was ever prosecuted for this cruel murder4 ,it did not occur during the ,reformation1 but was the natural result of the teachings of those times4 ,i simply mention these facts without any comment of my own4 ,let the reader form his own conclusion4 ,more of these frightful stories ,i do not care to relate2 and ,i should not even have presented these to the notice of the reader had it not been impossible otherwise to give any adequate idea of that terrible 8,reformation40 ,the ,gentile army came in4 ,the ,union ,pacific ,railroad was opened4 ,changes and chances altered all that had been1 and brought into being that which might be1 and that which finally really was4 ,instead of looking to the events of three or four thousand years ago1 men began to act up to things which were--to think and act in the present1 not to dream of the past4 ,the day has gone by1 but not far1 when the perpetration openly of such deeds was possible2 but it is still boasted that1 when 8,deseret0 becomes a ,state1 the 8,saints0 will 8show still greater zeal for the ,lord60 ,in concluding this too brief sketch of the most tragic episodes in ,mormon domestic history1 ,i must warn my readers against the inference that the ghastly facts and details there presented came to my knowledge either immediately or soon after my arrival in ,utah4 ,no1 it was only after many years' residence there1 and by very slow degrees1 that they became known to me1 and the effect which they produced on my mind was necessarily broken and impaired by the gradual and disconnected way in which they oozed out1 the horrible and bewildering travesty of biblical argument urged in their defence1 and by my utter isolation from the outer and higher world1 and communication with the heart and brain ennobling influences of a wholesome and invigorating public opinion4 ,,chapter ,,xxvii4 ,,what ,,women ,,suffer ,,in ,,polygamy3--,,the ,,story ,,of ,,mary ,,burton4 ,one bright summer morning1 about six months after our arrival in ,salt ,lake ,city1 ,i was sitting in the work-room1 busy with my girls1 when a light tap was heard at the door1 and the next instant a lady entered1 and1 coming straight up to me1 was about to kiss me4 ,i started back a step1 held out my hand1 looked her full in the face1 and in a moment we were in each other's arms4 ,it was my old friend1 ,mary ,burton6 ,i could with difficulty find words to express my astonishment when ,i recognized her1 so greatly was she changed in every respect4 ,from the very first1 whenever we met after a long separation1 ,i had noticed a more than ordinary alteration in her appearance4 ,but it must be remembered that at the time of our first re-union she had grown out of childhood into womanhood2 when ,i met her again in ,new ,york1 she had passed through the most interesting phase of a woman's life--she had forsaken maidenhood for matrimony2 and now ,i met her once more after she had endured those horrors on the ,plains--of which the reader has already heard--and she had entered into a life of sorrow worse than any she had known before4 ,no wonder1 then1 that now1 as upon previous occasions1 ,i noticed quite a startling change in her appearance4 ,her dress was of the coarsest and plainest kind1 but neat1 as was everything she touched2 yet not so carefully arranged as in the old time in ,england4 ,she used formerly to have a way of adjusting a dress or a bonnet so that it set her off ten times better than it would a girl who had not naturally the same taste2 but now1 although1 as ,i said1 her clothes1 if coarse1 were neat1 she evidently had not taken any pains to set herself off to the best advantage2 and in a woman what a story did that simple fact tell6 ,but it was in her features and manners that the change was most remarkable4 ,in looking at her face you would have been puzzled to say in what the alteration consisted4 ,her cheeks were thinner and sadly pale1 but that was not the cause of her appearing as she did4 ,had she been older1 ,i verily believe the anguish she had passed through would have blanched her hair and left upon her brow deep marks of thought and suffering4 ,as it was1 however1 though no one feature in particular was very greatly altered1 the whole expression of her face was that of one whose heart was utterly crushed and broken2 and when her eyes met mine1 ,i could hardly refrain from tears as ,i saw the mournful look of subdued pain1 which told in them the terrific conflict which her heart had endured4 ,i took her to my own room--poor girl1 how my heart bled for her6--and again and again ,i held her in my arms and tried to comfort her1 for she was very weary2 and at last she wept4 ,i was glad to see that passionate flood of tears1 for ,i knew it would relieve her1 and in that ,i was not mistaken4 ,she threw her arms round my neck1 and1 kissing me repeatedly1 sobbed out1 8,don't blame me1 ,sister ,stenhouse2 don't blame me very much2 ,i cannot help it40 8,there1 there1 ,mary10 ,i said2 8be calm and you will soon be better4 ,you must tell me all your troubles1 and ,i will do all ,i can to help and comfort you40 8,there is no help1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 no comfort for me2 ,i'm past all that10 she answered4 8,don't say that1 ,mary10 ,i said2 8,i know that you have passed through a terrible amount of suffering1 and have had much trouble in every way2 but your husband is still alive1 is he not8--and there may be many years of happiness before you40 8,it is the thought of him that makes me so wretched10 she said2 8oh6 ,i could have borne death a thousand times rather than this4 ,i would gladly have seen him die rather than see him changed as he is now4 ,you do not know1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 how my whole soul was wrapped up in that man1 how ,i almost worshipped him4 ,when we suffered so much together on the ,plains1 ,i felt happy in comparison with what ,i feel now4 ,i remember that terrible night when ,i believed he was dying--,i remember the anguish that ,i felt2 but1 oh6 ,i knew then that he loved me and that his heart was all my own4 ,had ,i lost him1 if ,i could myself have lived1 ,i should have felt that he had never loved another beside me2 ,i should have known that we would meet together again in heaven and be happy in each other's love4 ,after all we went through together1 ,i loved him more and more2 we seemed to live with one life2 we had the same thoughts1 and hopes1 and pleasures2 ,i leaned upon him1 and ,i loved him--ah1 so fondly6 and1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 ,i know he loved me then4 ,we were getting over the effects of our sufferings on the ,plains1 and ,i was gaining strength and was looking forward to the time when my child should be born4 ,it was then that they came and taught him that devil's doctrine and led him away from me4 ,oh dear6 ,i cannot bear it1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 ,i cannot bear it2 it will drive me mad60 ,she buried her face in her hands1 and sobbed again4 8,mary1 dear10 ,i said1 8don't talk like that2 he cannot have ceased to love you1 ,i am sure2 he used to almost worship you1 dear40 8,it is because ,i know that he did once1 that drives me crazy4 ,you do not know what ,i feel1 and what ,i have to bear60 ,i did not utter a word2 my own sorrows were hidden in my own heart4 ,the heart knoweth its bitterness1 and a stranger intermeddleth not in the matter4 8,you have been through the ,endowments80 she asked4 8,so have ,i4 ,we went through1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 about three months after we came to ,utah1 and never since then have ,i known a moment's peace4 ,i do not know what they said to my husband1 but1 whatever it was1 it produced a great effect upon his mind1 and changed him altogether2 he has been an altered man from that very time4 ,i have no doubt that they told them that it was his duty to take another wife1 and they would say that no promise made to me before our marriage was binding if it comes in opposition to our religion4 ,you know how devoted he is1 how firm his faith is4 ,why1 ,i do believe that he would obey counsel even if it broke his heart1 and cost him his life4 ,did they say nothing to you or your husband1 dear80 8,certainly they did1 ,mary2 we have heard it daily and hourly1 and my husband is constantly being counselled about it4 ,i am wretched1 ,mary1 you know ,i must be2 ,i feel just as you do1 but how can we help ourselves80 8,no1 we cannot help ourselves1 there is no hope10 she said2 8but it is a cruel wrong4 ,you know well enough how determined ,i was never to marry a man who would take another wife4 ,when ,i thought that ,elder ,shrewsbury might be influenced by his religion1 ,i made him go to the ,apostle and get counsel1 and then he solemnly vowed to me that he never would enter into polygamy without my consent2 which1 of course1 was the same as saying that he never would do so at all4 ,until we went through our ,endowments1 he never even hinted at such a thing4 ,but they spoke to him then2 and one day1 after he had been having a long consultation with the ,bishop1 he came and spoke to me4 ,he was not unkind in the least4 ,in fact he seemed to be as much pained at all mention of the subject as ,i was4 ,he said that the ,bishop had been urging him to live up to his privileges1 and had explained to him how great a loss in the celestial world it would be1 both to him and to me1 if he did not take more wives4 ,he was told that now while he was young was the time1 and that ,i would soon get over any pain that ,i might suffer4 ,yes1 they actually said so4 ,fancy tearing out the very affections of one's heart1 and blasting every hope and happiness in life1 and then saying that ,i should soon #8get used to it6' ,i tell you1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 a true woman never can #8get used' to this hideous system4 ,if the hearts of some are dead and cold1 it is a curse to them and a curse to their husband and children2 and if a wife seems careless or callous1 as the case may be1 it is because love for her husband has first died out in her heart4 ,she feels no jealousy because she has no love2 but if a woman has but a spark of love for her husband1 she will hate with a deadly hatred any other woman whom that husband loves40 8,but what did ,elder ,shrewsbury say when they told him to enter into polygamy80 ,i inquired4 8,at first he told them it was utterly impossible10 she replied1 8and he mentioned his promise to me1 and said we were very happy together1 and that he wished for nothing more4 ,but they knew his weakness1 and that he would do anything for his religion1 and they urged him on that point4 ,it was even a sin against me they said1 for if he had no more than one wife he could never exalt me in the celestial kingdom2 that ,i ought to be treated like a child--a very dear1 but spoilt child2 and if ,i refused what was for my own and my husband's benefit and everlasting welfare1 he ought to act up to what he knew was right1 and leave the consequences with the ,lord1 who would order all things for the best4 ,my husband told me all this very sadly at first1 but ,i could see that it had an effect upon his mind4 ,they saw it1 too1 and did not let the subject drop4 ,every day they spoke to him of it1 and at last he gave way--for my sake1 he said6 ,this was the cruellest wrong of all4 ,then one day he told me very firmly and very coldly1 as if he had steeled his heart to do so1 that he had made up his mind to take another wife40 8,what60 ,i exclaimed1 8after the solemn oath he swore never to do such a thing8 ,why1 ,i could not have believed it of ,elder ,shrewsbury60 8,i reminded him of his promise10 she said1 8but he told me that the ,revelation justified him in breaking it2 that it said in the second clause that #8,all covenants1 contracts1 and oaths not sealed by him who is appointed on earth to hold this power in the last days are of no force after the resurrection2' that for this cause we had been married again for eternity1 and that now he was free from his oath4 ,i knelt down before him1 and ,i wept and prayed as if for life itself2 ,i entreated him1 if no more1 to wait and put off all thoughts of another marriage for a few months1 until he had time to consider the matter carefully4 ,he had already thoroughly thought it over1 he said1 and could not go back now1 for the ,bishop had chosen a wife for him1 and had arranged everything4 ,he even told me who it was--a young girl named ,wilbur1 about fourteen years of age--a mere child4 ,i prayed him if he would be so wicked as to perjure himself and wrong me so foully1 at least not to add to his sin by injuring a poor innocent child4 ,he was very indignant with me for that1 said that he was doing the child the greatest good he possibly could by marrying her2 that he was ensuring her salvation as well as mine2 and that he expected to receive the blessing of ,god40 8,mary10 ,i said1 8this system is a fearful curse40 8,curse60 she exclaimed1 8curse is a heavenly word to apply to such a system4 ,why there is nothing in hell so hateful1 so vile1 so detestable4 ,it is blight and ruin to everything that is fair and good4 ,i never pass a day but ,i curse with the bitterest hatred the men who devised it4 ,women can hate bitterly when they choose2 but ,i hate them more than ever woman hated before40 8,hush6 hush1 dear60 ,i said2 8you mustn't talk so1 ,mary60 8,i mustn't say it perhaps--it's dangerous1 ,i know2 but ,i may think so4 ,there is not a true-hearted woman in ,utah who does not feel as ,i do this day4 ,do you think that when they have ruined all our hopes for time and for eternity we shall love them still8 ,here1 but for this wretched system1 ,i should have been a happy wife and mother1 and now see what ,i am--husband1 child1 all lost--all lost60 8,is the child dead1 ,mary80 ,i asked very gently1 for ,i feared to pain her4 8,yes1 dear10 she replied1 8in fact1 ,i believe it never lived--the one ,i was thinking of4 ,i was ill1 very ill indeed1 after what my husband had told me4 ,they thought ,i should die1 and ,i think he was sorry1 for he became very kind and tender to me1 but that only made me feel worse4 ,then my child was born1 but ,i never saw it1 for ,i was unconscious for more than a week after1 and then they told me that it was not alive1 but my husband would never speak to me about it4 ,as ,i grew better1 his cold1 stern manner returned1 and then at last he married that girl ,wilbur1 and since then he has married two more1 for he is doing very well in business4 ,i think that all his love for me has gone4 ,at first he thought of marrying again because it was a religious principle2 and as it was the time of the ,reformation he did not dare to refuse2 but now his heart is grown hard and cold4 ,you see a change in me1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 but ,i think you'd see a greater change in him4 ,i know1 of course1 that ,i used to look at him with the eyes of love1 and of course did not see him as other people did2 but that is not the only change--it isn't in his face alone2 his whole nature is altered4 ,it quite pains me sometimes to see him40 8,do you feel any happier now--any calmer1 ,mary80 8,yes10 she said1 8yes1 and no4 ,i do not love him as ,i used to2 how could ,i8 ,but when ,i look into my heart ,i find1 if ,i tell you the truth1 that a little love does remain there4 ,if only ,i could quite cease to love him ,i think ,i should be happy2 but when ,i pet and play with my little girl--for we have had one child since that dreadful time--some of my love for him comes back again1 and ,i sit down and have a good cry4 ,sometimes that isn't enough to calm me1 and ,i shut the door and walk up and down the room and swear4 ,there6 don't look so horrified1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 ,i cannot help it2 if ,i did not give way to my feelings now and then ,i should die outright2 and sometimes ,i break a few things1 but he never knows it1 and it does me good4 ,we came into the city yesterday on a visit1 and we shall stay for a few days4 ,he brought me1 ,i believe1 as a matter of form2 but ,i found out where you lived1 and ,i came to see you4 ,you never answered my letter1 and ,i did not know whether you had left ,new ,york yet4 ,i really am glad to see you1 ,sister ,stenhouse4 ,and is it true that ,brother ,stenhouse has not taken another wife yet80 8,not yet10 ,i said2 8but1 as ,i told you1 he has been spoken to about it1 and ,i cannot tell what he may do4 ,as you say1 ,mary1 the ,mormon women have not much to make them happy40 ,mary gave me a great deal of information4 ,in that she was quite herself1 as ,i knew her in by-gone days4 ,nothing escaped her observation4 ,she sat down with me and told me all her troubles1 and ,i need hardly say how deeply ,i sympathized with her4 ,so ,i tried to comfort her1 and spoke about her child1 but even respecting that poor little thing she felt no hope4 8,why1 when it grows up10 she said1 8it will be as miserable as ,i am--,i can see no prospect of happiness in the future for it40 ,we agreed that the only way whereby we might prevent our children from experiencing sorrow and misery similar to our own was to teach them from the very first that ,polygamy was the natural and proper1 as well as the revealed order of marriage2 in fact to 8bring them up0 in the system4 ,what a miserable resource was this for a mother who loved her children6 8,one thing1 ,mary10 ,i said1 referring to her own personal experience in ,polygamy2 8one thing ,i do not quite understand4 ,you1 of course1 had made your husband specially promise1 before you married him1 that he would never take another wife1 and he was therefore bound1 as a man1 by every moral obligation1 not to do so4 ,but other women have not been situated as you were1 and they have exacted no promises from their husbands4 ,yet it always seemed to me that your doing so was quite superfluous1 for you must be aware1 ,mary1 that the ,revelation says that1 before a man can take a second wife1 he must have the full consent of the first4 ,the elders in ,europe used to make a great deal of that point1 as you may remember1 for they said that this provision took from the ,revelation any harshness or injustice which it might otherwise appear to show4 ,i know many women who submitted on this account1 for they argued that1 if their permission was necessary1 they could always1 by refusing1 save themselves from any further trouble4 ,now if that was so1 how came your husband to take another wife against your will8 ,i say your husband1 because ,i should have no difficulty in many other cases4 ,i have been repeatedly told that husbands never troubled themselves about the ,revelation when they wanted another wife1 unless it was to silence the first wife with it1 if she rebelled4 ,but ,i always regarded ,elder ,shrewsbury as a conscientious man1 and ,i firmly believed that he would never willingly give you a moment's pain4 ,when he made that promise to you1 he had the ,revelation before him1 and had also the ,apostle to go to if he needed the #8,word of the ,lord4' ,he was therefore bound by that promise1 notwithstanding anything that the ,revelation might say to the contrary2 and even had he made no promise1 the ,revelation was on your side4 ,we are told that every woman must first give her consent40 8,that is all very true1 ,sister ,stenhouse10 she said1 8to a certain extent4 ,the theory is as you say1 but you have not heard the whole4 ,i know the ,revelation pretty nearly by heart1 and so ,i can tell you exactly what it does say4 ,the first wife is said to hold the keys of this power1 by which is meant that she can refuse4 ,but then it goes on to say that when her husband has taught her the law of the ,priesthood--that is ,polygamy--#8she shall believe or she shall be destroyed1 saith the ,lord your ,god1 for ,i will destroy her4' ,you see there is no loophole of escape for the woman4 ,her husband is to teach her the law1 and she shall believe2 and if she does not--and of course people have no power to make themselves believe what they please--she is to be destroyed1 and ,god will destroy her6 ,do you know1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 there are stories whispered here of women who did refuse1 and who stood in their husbands' way2 and it is said that the ,priesthood did not wait for the ,lord to destroy1 but carried out the law themselves4 ,but we have wandered sadly from your question4 ,you were talking about the first wife giving her consent80 8,yes10 ,i said1 8and you were about to tell me whether it was really and practically necessary in every instance4 ,you have been here longer1 and have seen more1 than ,i have40 8,the wife's consent is by no means necessary1 ,sister ,stenhouse4 ,it may be asked sometimes as a mere matter of form1 and1 of course1 in the ,endowment ,house1 when she gives the other wives to her husband1 she may be said to give her consent to his marrying them4 ,it is nothing but a piece of folly to talk about women having the power to withhold their consent1 and it is simply an insult and a mockery for their husbands to ask it2 they well know before they ask that their wives dare not refuse to give it4 ,but it enables them to boast to the ,gentiles that they do not take other wives until their first wife gives her consent4 ,this is what is meant by #8the liberty of the ,gospel1' ,i suppose1 about which ,brother ,brigham talks so much4 ,but every one knows perfectly well that this is all a farce4 ,without ,president ,young's consent there can be no marriage at all2 but if it is the will of ,brigham1 the refusal of the first wife1 and the parents1 and the girl herself do not for a moment signify40 8,but did your husband1 ,mary1 act in this way80 8,well1 not quite4 ,he told me that1 if ,i refused1 it would make not the slightest difference2 and as ,i believed him1 ,i1 of course1 went1 and did not make a scene4 ,it would have only made matters worse4 ,some of the older sisters came round and talked me over1 and explained and insisted1 and #8laboured' with me as they called it1 until ,i hardly knew what to think or do2 my mind was quite unsettled4 ,eliza ,r4 ,snow is quite great at that sort of work4 ,when my husband took his other two wives1 he did not consult me at all1 but simply told me that on a certain day ,i must go with him to the ,endowment ,house4 ,we went1 and he married two sisters on the same day1 but it did not do him much good4 ,they are handsome girls1 but have very bad tempers1 and we often have a very unpleasant time4 ,the second wife1 poor child6 suffered most when he married the other two4 ,she did not seem to like me very well at first1 which was quite natural2 but1 when the other two were brought home1 she seemed quite to cling to me1 and ,i have1 strange to say1 taken quite a fancy to her4 ,in all our disputes she always sides with me1 and in return ,i always stand up for her1 as a matter of course4 ,i am getting used to this wretched life2 ,i try to stifle my love2 and ,i am sorry to say that sometimes ,i almost hate every one around me1 including my husband4 ,now and then the old longing for some one to love1 for some one to confide in1 comes over me4 ,i felt like that this morning when ,i came here1 and that is what made me act so badly40 8,say nothing of that1 ,mary10 ,i replied4 8,i wish you would stay with me while you are in the city40 8,no10 she said1 8we shall be here for a day or two1 but ,i do not think my husband would like me to stay here altogether4 ,he knows that you are aware of his attachment to me once1 and his promises in the old times1 and very likely he would be a little ashamed to meet you4 ,he'll make business an excuse1 and in fact he is busy all the day4 ,so ,i'll come round alone as much as ,i can1 and we'll have a good talk again40 ,i saw her to the door1 and then she turned and said1 8,i'll come again and see you1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 before we leave the city40 ,thus saying1 she kissed me1 laughed with the ghost of her former merry ways when ,i first knew her1 and said good-bye4 ,i watched her till she was lost to sight1 and then ,i closed the door1 saying to myself1 with a sigh1 8,ah1 me6 can this be the ,mary that ,i once knew80 ,,chapter ,,xxviii4 ,,how ,,marriages ,,are ,,made ,,in ,,utah--,a ,,new ,,wife ,,found ,,for ,,my ,,husband4 ,not long after this1 ,i was enabled to visit my ,swiss friend1 ,madame ,bailiff4 ,ever since her husband had called upon me in ,salt ,lake ,city1 ,i had watched anxiously for an opportunity of seeing her1 for ,i felt much interested in learning how time had passed with her since we parted in ,geneva4 ,i found her in a little log-cabin of two rooms1 with bare walls1 bare floor1 and miserably furnished2 and in this wretched abode poverty and polygamy had wrecked the life of my poor friend1 whom ,i had known under such different circumstances4 ,here1 together with their five children1 lived also the second wife1 with her two children4 ,it was with difficulty that ,i could recognize in the poor1 careworn1 broken-spirited1 and ill-clad woman who stood before me1 the once gay1 light-hearted1 happy1 and elegantly-dressed lady whom ,i had known in ,switzerland4 ,mormonism had in her case utterly blighted her existence4 ,it seemed to me hardly possible that so great a change should have been wrought in her in such a few years as had elapsed since last ,i saw her4 ,what suffering she must have endured1 ,i thought1 what mental agony1 what physical pain1 to write those wrinkled lines of care upon her once handsome face2 and1 ah6 what a pang ,i felt at the remembrance that ,i myself had been instrumental in leading her into ,mormonism and ,polygamy4 ,self-reproach ,i did not feel1 but sorrow ,i did4 ,i had thought to lead her into the way of holiness and heavenly peace by winning her to the religion of the ,saints1 but that which ,i in my enthusiasm had believed would be the greatest blessing which one poor mortal could communicate to another1 had turned to a curse1 and1 instead of the happy wife and mother which she once had been1 she had become a victim to that faith which in its very existence is an insult to womanhood4 ,in temper and disposition she was1 however1 just the same2 her affectionate nature was unchanged4 ,no doubt she read in my features the painful surprise which ,i experienced in witnessing her altered circumstances2 but she met me with not a single word of reproach for my being the cause of her leaving her own dear country4 ,i should not have blamed her had she hated me1 though she knew1 of course1 that ,i had wronged her innocently4 ,she told me of the difficulties which they had had to contend with after their arrival in ,utah1 and how they had been compelled to part with almost everything they had1 in order to provide bread for their children4 ,when they left ,london1 they took with them several handsome carpets1 china1 glass1 and a large quantity of silver ware1 besides bedding and clothing of every description2 for they were well-to-do in the world1 and had quite enough for themselves1 after they had liberally assisted the poorer ,saints to emigrate4 ,upon their arrival in ,utah1 the husband--good man that he was--was willing to come down to the level of his brethren and go to farming among them4 ,a brother who knew him in his own country1 and imagined1 ,i suppose1 that he could afford to lose1 sold him a farm that he himself had become disgusted with1 though1 of course1 he did not say so2 and when my inexperienced friend1 ,monsieur ,bailiff1 found that nothing could be done with it1 he supposed that the land was good enough1 but that he himself was not competent to work it4 ,no one ventured to hint that he had been cheated1 as it was one of the ,church authorities who had sold him the land4 ,after spending upon it all that he possessed1 he was finally compelled to abandon it4 ,they were now very much straitened in circumstances1 and my poor friend told me that she had frequently been compelled--as they were entirely destitute of money--to take a silver spoon or fork to the butcher's market to trade with1 and there they drove a hard bargain with her1 and she obtained next to nothing in exchange for her silver4 ,her crystal and plate now grace the table of a certain rich man in ,utah4 ,every article they possessed went in this way at a most ruinous sacrifice1 until nothing remained2 and then the husband was forced to engage in manual labour1 while the poor wife employed herself in whatever feminine work she could obtain2 they receiving in return just what people chose to pay them4 ,in the midst of their troubles the husband was 8counselled0 to take another wife4 8,but why did he not refuse to do so80 ,i asked4 8,if you had been here during the ,reformation1 you would not ask me such a question as that4 ,sister ,stenhouse1 you ought to thank ,god that you were not here then4 ,there were shocking things done at that time1 and the men were all crazy about marrying4 ,they married every woman who was single1 and even little girls who had scarcely reached their teens2 it was a time of terror1 and no one dared to rebel40 ,she then told me that her husband had been1 as one might say1 compelled to marry a young ,swiss girl whom they had brought out to ,utah with them as a domestic4 ,this girl had been a very faithful servant1 and ,madame ,bailiff had become very much attached to her4 ,during the ,reformation the ,bishop visited them1 and 8counselled0 ,monsieur ,bailiff to take a second wife4 ,the girl was also 8counselled0 to marry1 and when she said that she did not know of any one to whom she would like to be married1 the ,bishop told her that he himself would find a suitable man4 8,my husband told me what the ,bishop had urged him to do10 said ,madame ,bailiff1 8and we talked the matter over in a practical way4 ,we knew that the girl would be forced to marry somebody1 and that then she would have to leave us1 which would put us to the very greatest inconvenience1 for1 situated as we were1 we could hardly get on without her assistance4 ,at the same time1 he also would be compelled to obey counsel1 and we came to the conclusion that as there was no way of evading the difficulty altogether1 it would be better for him to marry the girl than to bring a stranger into the house4 ,so he asked her1 and she accepted him1 and they were married4 ,she is a good girl1 and tries to do her best1 but it is a great trial to me1 and one which ,i trust you may never be called upon to bear4 ,my husband is as kind and gentle a man as ever lived1 and he has done all he could to keep me from feeling unhappy2 had it been otherwise1 ,i dare not think what ,i should have done--,i believe ,i should have gone mad or died4 ,in our household arrangements1 of course it made very little difference1 but it was inexpressibly painful to me1 and though ,i suppose ,i shall remain a ,mormon till the day of my death1 ,i have learned to hate ,mormonism40 ,poor ,madame ,bailiff6 ,hers was a life of privation and sorrow of late years4 ,happy as woman could be in her youthful days1 she little dreamed what ,providence had in store for her ere her earthly course had run4 ,with a faithful and devoted husband2 with a charming little family growing up around her2 with all that could make life fair and beautiful4 ,but that accursed thing--,polygamy--came and poisoned all her happiness1 and blighted all her hopes2 and when1 but a few months ago1 worn out and weary of life1 she left behind her all her sorrows and all her misery1 ,i could not weep that she had gone to a better land beyond the veil1 but ,i thanked ,god that at last1 poor soul1 her days of trial were for ever over1 and she had entered into her eternal rest4 ,one day ,brother ,brigham sent me word that he wished to see me4 ,i went to him1 and he told me that he wanted me to become acquainted with a certain young girl in whom he took a great interest4 ,she was the daughter1 by his first wife1 of ,jedediah ,m4 ,grant1 the famous ,apostle of the 8,reformation0--her name was ,carrie1 and she was now an orphan4 ,brother ,brigham wished me to have her with me every day1 for she was not 8feeling well10 he said1 and he thought ,i might do her some good4 ,this 8not feeling well0 ,i afterwards discovered meant that she was almost ready to apostatize4 ,if she desired it1 ,i was to teach her my business2 not that she needed to follow any profession1 for1 as ,president ,young explained1 she had a good home2 but her mind needed occupation1 and he did not care how she employed her time1 so long as she was with me every day and could be made to 8feel well40 ,i listened to all that ,brother ,brigham said1 and accepted the trust in good faith--not only to please him1 but because the girl was an orphan1 and my heart went out towards her even before ,i had seen her4 ,before ,i returned home ,i called at the house where ,carrie was stopping1 and arranged that she should come every day to see me1 under pretext of learning the business4 ,now it so happened that we each conceived a liking to the other the very first moment we met2 we made friends together at once1 and she wanted to begin coming to me the very next day4 ,she was a sweet-looking and intelligent girl1 fair1 but fragile1 and with a peculiar expression of melancholy sadness dwelling upon her features1 which gave her a painfully interesting appearance4 ,i never before1 or since1 met with a young girl who habitually looked so unhappy2 and ,i thought that perhaps physical weakness might be the cause1 for it was evident that in constitution she was extremely delicate--,i almost feared consumptive4 ,the first day we spent together she told me that her parents had been among the pioneers to ,utah1 that her only sister had died on the ,plains1 and that she had lost her mother soon after they had arrived in ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,as the only remaining child of her mother1 she had been a great pet with her father1 but he too had died about four years previous to the time of which ,i speak1 and she had never been happy since4 8,i often long to die10 she said1 8that ,i might join my mother and father2 no one loves me here1 and ,i have nothing to live for40 ,her father had married four wives after her mother's death1 and they were all very kind to her1 but she did not feel that she had a home4 ,she told me that about six months before she came to me she had started to go east1 to her mother's friends1 for they had frequently written to her1 urging her to come to them1 and that when she was about two weeks' journey from ,salt ,lake ,city1 ,brigham ,young sent after her1 and she was brought back4 8,but10 she said1 8,i shall never be happy here1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 ,i know ,i never shall2 and why should they not let me leave and go to my relatives80 ,i knew very well that it was of no use for her to try to get away1 for we had no railroad then1 and escape was almost impossible4 ,i therefore tried to make her more cheerful1 and told her that a girl as young as she was--for she was scarcely seventeen--had much to live for4 ,but her unhappiness had become almost a settled melancholy1 and she seemed to be interested in nothing4 ,besides which1 the task ,i attempted was all the more difficult as ,i was not at all happy myself4 ,one day the conversation happened to turn upon ,polygamy1 and in a moment ,i saw that all her trouble arose from that miserable doctrine1 and from that alone4 ,we had not exchanged many words upon the subject when she exclaimed3 8,oh1 how ,i hate ,polygamy6 ,god forgive me2 but ,i cannot help it1 ,sister ,stenhouse6 ,i do hate it2 and yet ,i believe that it is true40 ,poor child6 ,i understood her too well1 for her position was exactly mine4 ,from that moment we were fast friends4 ,here was the child of one of the greatest fanatics that ,mormonism has ever known1 one of the wildest advocates of the 8,celestial ,order of ,marriage10 perfectly loathing the system2 and yet1 poor girl1 believing it firmly1 and believing too that she could not obtain salvation unless she entered into it4 ,how ,i pitied and loved that poor girl6--and yet what strength or consolation could ,i offer her1 being myself as painfully situated as she was8 ,our mutual sorrow united us still more painfully in loving companionship4 ,i had rarely met among the ,mormon girls with one so thoughtful and observing1 so kind and gentle4 ,she had not been with me many weeks before she had entwined herself so completely round my heart that ,i was lonely when she stayed away1 and ,i tried to keep her with me altogether4 ,i tried in every way to make her feel at home when at my house2 and noticing her delicate health1 and thinking that she did not always get those little things to tempt her appetite which an invalid should always have1 ,i found out many trifles which ,i believed would please her1 and always tried to get them for her4 ,she seemed to think much of these little attentions1 and ,i have always believed that she loved me very dearly4 ,some of my neighbours began to whisper pretty plainly to me that ,brother ,brigham had an object in view in asking me to interest myself in ,carrie's welfare4 ,they told me they believed that my husband1 if he had not already been counselled to marry her1 would be before long4 ,knowing1 as ,i did1 ,carrie's aversion to ,polygamy1 these suggestions did not trouble me very much2 but ,i begged my informants not to speak of the matter in my young friend's presence1 as it would only disturb and annoy her4 ,i was the more anxious on this point as her health had by that time began very perceptibly to improve1 and sometimes she seemed to be almost joyous and light-hearted4 ,sometimes she would sew1 and sometimes she read or played with the children1 of whom she was very fond1 and ,i always allowed her to do just as she pleased4 ,one day my talkative friend called to see me4 ,she had not been near the house for several months1 and ,i think1 at her last visit1 she must have taken offence at my telling her that ,i thought she had not acted wisely in procuring wives for her husband4 ,she had1 however1 now an object in coming which ,i soon discovered4 ,she was shown in1 and as soon as she was fairly seated1 ,i observed that1 while talking to me1 she was inquisitively scrutinizing ,carrie's face1 as if trying to discover her character or read her thoughts4 ,suddenly--she did everything impulsively--she interrupted the conversation1 saying3 8,sister ,stenhouse1 ,i want to speak to you privately40 ,i asked her to come with me into the next room1 and she did so1 but before ,i had time to close the door1 she exclaimed3 8,allow me to congratulate you2 you have done very wisely60 8,congratulate me upon what80 ,i asked4 8,upon the excellent choice you have made for your husband10 she replied2 8,i knew very well you would ponder over my good counsel and seek another wife for ,brother ,stenhouse1 and ,i am certain that my example and my faith and prayers have helped you1 for ,i have asked the ,lord to strengthen you to do just what you are doing40 8,doing60 ,i said1 8what am ,i doing8 ,i really don't understand what you mean40 8,oh1 nonsense60 she exclaimed2 8but ,i understand1 if you don't4 ,you wish to keep it a secret1 ,i suppose1 until the happy event takes place4 ,and you are quite right in that1 for there are so many busybodies here1 and they do interfere so much in their neighbours' affairs that it isn't pleasant4 ,but of course you needn't fear me--,i shouldn't think of breathing one single word of the matter1 unless you wished me to do so40 8,i am really at a loss to know what you mean10 ,i said1 very much annoyed with her4 8,oh10 she said1 8if you think that ,i am interfering1 ,i will not say another word1 for ,i should very much dislike to be considered meddlesome4 ,but you know1 my dear ,sister ,stenhouse1 the great interest ,i have always felt concerning you2 from the very first when ,i knew you in ,england ,i always prophesied great things of you1 but ,i was a little afraid when ,i saw your opposition to ,polygamy1 and ,i cannot tell how happy ,i felt when ,i heard yesterday that you had found a wife--and a good wife too--for your husband40 8,i find a wife for my husband60 ,i exclaimed4 8,that ,i never would4 ,i dislike ,polygamy far too much to do so4 ,no2 if he ever wants another wife1 ,i shall never help him to find her2 he'll have to get her himself40 8,who is that young girl1 then1 that ,i saw just now80 she asked2 8is that not ,miss ,grant80 ,i replied that it was4 8,well10 said she1 8,i was told that you had asked her to marry your husband40 8,there is no truth in the report10 ,i said2 8,i am sure that she has never thought of such a thing1 nor have ,i1 nor has my husband2 and ,i would not have such a thing spoken of for the world40 8,well10 she replied1 8,i am really quite disappointed4 ,you have a splendid opportunity1 and ,i do believe that that was what ,brother ,brigham meant when he asked me to see after her4 ,in fact1 ,i was told that it was his only motive1 all along40 8,then ,brother ,brigham will soon find out his mistake1 ,i can assure you10 ,i answered1 8for ,i never will ask her2 and1 moreover1 if ,i thought for a moment that she would ever wish such a thing1 much as ,i love her1 ,i should then hate her40 8,my dear ,sister10 she said1 8how do you expect ever to get salvation8 ,i suppose you think that is none of my business1 and that ,i should leave you in the hands of the ,lord4 ,but before ,i go1 let me ask you to see ,eliza ,snow as soon as you have an opportunity4 ,she will build you up1 and do you a world of good40 ,i told her ,i needed no 8building up20 all ,i wanted was that my husband and myself should be left alone1 and that people should not meddle with our affairs4 ,after she had gone1 her conversation troubled me a great deal4 ,what did it all mean8 ,had the busybodies been trying to bring about an alliance between my husband and ,carrie8 ,had ,brigham ,young been working all along to this end8 ,however it might be1 ,i resolved that1 at least1 ,carrie should know nothing of the matter from me4 ,one morning1 the ,apostle ,heber ,c4 ,kimball called in his carriage4 ,it was very early1 being only about seven o'clock4 ,mr4 ,stenhouse went out to see him1 but in his blunt way he said3 8,i do not want you1 ,i want ,sister ,fanny to take a ride with me40 ,my husband brought him into the house and he told me he wanted to have a talk with me4 8,you must not fix up10 he said1 8or ,i won't ride with you4 ,come along in your wrapper and slippers1 and just put on your sun-bonnet40 ,i told him that ,i never went out in a sun-bonnet4 8,well1 then1 do it for the first time10 he said4 ,i suggested that ,i had had no breakfast1 and asked him if he would wait and have some with us4 8,no10 said he2 8,i have plenty of wives around this town1 and we will find breakfast somewhere40 ,so ,i started just as ,i was1 and he told the driver--who1 ,i think1 was one of his own sons--to call round and see 8the folks0--meaning his wives4 ,then1 turning to me1 he said3 8,you never looked prettier1 ,sister ,fanny2 you ought always to wear a sun-bonnet1 but you like dress a great deal too much--you will keep your husband poor1 and then how will he be able to carry out the commands of ,god8 ,did you ever think of that8 ,then1 again1 you dress your children too much2 it must take pretty well all your time to make their clothes2 and see what it must cost4 ,now1 ,i'm going to give you some good advice4 ,do what my folks do4 ,i tell them to make a linsey dress for each of the children in the spring1 and let them wear it all the summer2 and then1 when the winter comes1 it will be so full of grease and dirt that it will be sure to keep them warm4 ,now ,i'm sure you won't consent to do that with your children1 so it is good counsel thrown away40 ,i knew well enough that ,brother ,heber was only jesting1 for apparently he provided very well for his family1 although he allowed them no luxuries4 ,he went on to say3 8,but that isn't what ,i wanted to speak to you about2 ,i had something else to say4 ,when is your husband going to marry ,miss ,grant8 ,that girl has got to be looked after by some good man and woman1 and ,i think that you and ,brother ,stenhouse will do first-class4 ,what do you think80 8,i should not like my husband to marry her10 ,i said4 8,and why not1 ,sister ,fanny80 he asked4 8,because ,i myself love her10 ,i replied4 8,why1 that is the very reason why he ought to do it the sooner10 he said1 8and you would continue to love her1 and love her all the better too1 when she belonged to your husband1 and when you saw how much he loved her40 ,he laughed outright as he said this1 and told me not to look so solemn4 8,why10 he said1 8it's the finest thing in the world to develope love in the women2 a man never gets so much attention in his life as when he has got several wives all trying their best to please him40 8,that may be10 ,i said2 8but who is to pay attention to their wives80 8,things have been all upside down in the world1 ,sister ,fanny10 he answered1 8and the ,priesthood is going to set them all in order4 ,it is the women's place to minister to the men1 and the men1 in return1 will save them in the ,kingdom1 if they are good girls40 ,by this time we had driven round several of his fields in the lower part of the city1 and at last we stopped at the house of one of his wives4 ,she very kindly prepared breakfast for us2 after which we called to see two or three other wives1 and then returned home4 ,on the way back he tried to get me to promise that ,i would persuade my husband to marry ,miss ,grant4 ,this ,i positively refused to do1 although it would have been dangerous for me not to acquiesce had it not been that ,brother ,heber was attached to me and allowed me to say what ,i liked against ,polygamy1 laughing at me and telling me to 8hold on0 when ,i became too much in earnest4 ,this constant reference to ,carrie began to trouble me seriously1 although1 so far1 ,i had not yet spoken about it either to her or to my husband1 and did not intend to do it4 ,i felt sure that ,carrie1 poor child1 was perfectly innocent2 she had refused to go to several parties with us1 and had otherwise declined to accompany my husband1 and ,i believed that ,i had no cause for uneasiness4 ,thus time passed1 and more than a year flew by1 and ,carrie still remained with me4 ,lately ,i thought that her manner was changed1 and that she was a good deal altered4 ,i noticed that she was shy when in the presence of my husband1 and that she rather avoided him4 ,for a long time ,i had not suspected that anything was wrong between them1 and the knowledge that ,carrie was troubled1 and that my husband was the cause1 came upon me suddenly4 ,she began by staying away for several days at a time1 and at last she told me that she was going away for a while to visit a friend in the country4 ,she looked so unhappy that ,i felt sure that all was not right1 and begged her not to go1 but she would not listen to me4 ,it was necessary for her to go1 she stated1 and would say no more4 ,she bade me good-bye1 and for two months ,i heard nothing of her1 supposing that she was in the country1 and then ,i was surprised to learn that she was visiting with a friend in another part of the city1 and that she was very ill indeed4 ,i immediately went to call upon her1 and she was very much pleased to see me1 and then ,i discovered that she had not been in the country at all1 but had been there in the city with her friend4 ,i could not at the time understand her conduct2 but as she1 in common with most other delicate people1 was rather capricious1 ,i allowed it to pass without any comment4 ,she told me that as soon as she felt a little better she would come and see me2 but she never came1 and ,i was somewhat offended at her supposed neglect1 and thought that before ,i visited her again ,i would wait and see whether she first came up to our house4 ,all this time1 a friend of ,carrie's was in the habit of looking in very frequently upon some trifling errand or other1 and ,i noticed that she always waited for the return of my husband1 and then made some excuse to go out with him1 and they had long conversations together4 ,there was some mystery1 ,i clearly perceived1 and as a wife and a woman ,i determined that it was my duty to find out what that mystery was4 ,,chapter ,,xxix4 ,,taking ,a ,,second ,,wife3--,,the ,,experience ,,of ,,the ,,first4 ,i did not presume to ask my husband what it was that he had to talk about with ,carrie's friend1 but ,i instinctively felt what it might be1 and ,i was so much troubled in mind that ,i thought ,i would never go to see her again4 ,by that time ,i had learned1 as every ,mormon wife does learn1 never to ask questions4 ,the wife of a ,saint never dares to ask her husband whither he is going or when he will return4 ,she is not expected to know or care what business her husband may have on hand when he leaves home in the evening1 after making a most elaborate toilet1 with frequent admiration of himself in the mirror4 ,if the poor wife feels that she must say something1 to give vent to her overwrought feelings1 she simply asks in a conscious1 guilty way1 when he will be home again2 wishing too often in her secret heart that he might say--,never4 ,her duty is to be silent and unobservant2 and though some poor women have1 when their outraged feelings were overcharged1 inadvertently betrayed curiosity respecting the movements of the absent ones1 they have soon been sternly taught their duty1 and those loving husbands have given them good cause to repent of their inquisitiveness4 ,and who can blame these disconsolate1 lonely women1 if thus they feel8 ,their religion alone is to blame4 ,it has been the destruction of that sweet confidence which should exist between husband and wife1 and it has divided hearts and interests which should inseparably have been for ever one4 ,this1 slowly but no less painfully1 ,i was beginning to understand4 ,however earnestly ,i might try to combat the idea1 my life was wretched with the one continual fear of what ,i might see or hear of my husband4 ,i tried to drive away such thoughts1 and ,i called to mind all the acts of kindness and devotion which he had shown to those whose love my heart held dear4 ,sometimes1 arguing with myself1 ,i said3 8,no1 my husband will not deceive me2 no matter what other men may do or be with their wives1 my husband will be frank and true with me40 ,so ,i thought then2 but ,i was destined to realize in my own experience how utterly impossible it is for any man1 no matter how honest and truthful he may naturally be1 to practise ,polygamy without becoming a hypocrite2 and the more he loves his wife the greater hypocrite he will become1 trying to deceive her with the foolish notion that half his cruelty is done in attempting to 8spare her feelings40 ,my husband thought that he was acting kindly to me when he said nothing of all that transpired between him and ,carrie2 but when ,i saw the visit of ,carrie's lady-friend so frequently repeated1 ,i began to suspect the truth1 and was much troubled4 ,i was1 however1 too proud to question him on the subject1 at the risk of getting an evasive answer1 and it was evident that the two persons most intimately interested in the matter intended that ,i should be kept in the dark4 ,i saw through all this1 and it did not tend either to restore my peace of mind or to make me more pleasant in my intercourse with ,carrie or my husband4 ,in their conduct ,i could see nothing but deception1 however good their intention might be1 and ,i felt that they were treating me as a child4 ,the thought was very painful to me1 and it was only with a great effort that ,i suppressed it4 ,these painful feelings1 of course1 had a marked effect upon my daily life4 ,i grew weary1 and my health failed1 ,i became thin1 and my features were marked with care and anxiety4 ,when people came to see me1 ,i said little to them1 and their very presence ,i felt irksome4 ,mechanically ,i went through the daily routine of duty1 but my heart was in nothing that ,i did4 ,i dared not even trust myself to speak to any one1 for fear of becoming the subject of conversation and attracting the attention of the authorities1 which was not at all desirable1 for the position of a 8rebellious woman0 in those days was anything but pleasant4 ,i stood alone4 ,upon my husband ,i looked with suspicion2 my children were too young to understand me2 ,carrie--whom ,i had taken to my heart1 to whom ,i had confided my sorrows1 whose own welfare had been so dear to me--had1 as ,i thought1 turned against me1 like an adder1 and there was no one in whom ,i could trust4 ,it seemed to me too cruel for ,carrie to treat me so1 and yet ,i could not doubt that she was acting unfaithfully towards me4 ,surrounded by my children1 living under the same roof with my husband1 my heart was1 nevertheless1 filled with a sense of utter loneliness and desolation4 ,there was no one in whom ,i could confide1 to whom ,i might tell my sorrows1 and from whose counsel or strength ,i might derive comfort4 ,i dared not even go and lay my griefs before ,god1 for ,i had been led to believe that all my suffering was caused by an arbitrary decree which ,he willed to be enforced4 ,how false a notion of that loving heavenly ,father whose tender care is so manifestly shown in ,his gentle dealings with the weakest of ,his creatures6 ,it was now about six months since ,carrie left my house1 and ,i was under the impression that all that time certain well-intentioned sisters had been doing all they could to bring about a marriage between her and my husband4 ,her health1 however1 was so bad that sometimes for weeks together she did not leave her room4 ,at the time1 of course1 ,i knew nothing of this1 but ,i afterwards heard of it4 ,when ,i called upon her1 which ,i did when ,i found that she was too ill to come to see me1 ,i thought she was greatly changed in her manner2 but when ,i thought of her lonely position1 my heart warmed towards her1 and ,i forgot all my suspicions4 ,certainly1 ,i wanted to ask her one plain question relative to my husband1 but my pride would not allow me to speak to her on that subject unless she first mentioned it to me4 ,one day ,i thought that she was about to make a confession4 ,talking indifferently of ordinary matters1 she suddenly said1 8,i am surprised you ever wished to see me20 but when ,i asked her why1 expecting that she would now explain what had so long troubled me1 she answered evasively1 and nothing more was said4 ,with ,carrie's absence from our house the rumours about her which had troubled me so much somewhat subsided4 ,nothing could silence the secret apprehension which continually held my soul in dread2 but the fear of my young friend's influence once removed1 ,i was comparatively at peace4 ,it was1 however1 but the lull before the storm4 ,i soon learned that in losing ,carrie ,i did not lose ,polygamy1 and from about that time ,i can date my husband's desire to sustain his brethren in the performance of their duty1 and his wish to act as they did1 especially in reference to the 8,celestial ,order of ,heaven40 ,just at that time the 8,morrill ,bill0 for the suppression of ,polygamy was presented to ,congress1 and all true ,mormons were made to feel that it was their duty to stand by their leader2 and though1 in itself1 they might see nothing desirable in ,polygamy1 yet1 if they had not already multiplied wives1 it was their duty to do so without any delay4 ,ever watchful as ,i was1 ,i noticed little changes in my husband1 which under ordinary circumstances would have escaped my observation4 ,by this time one all-absorbing idea had taken possession of my mind1 and my husband's thoughts1 ,i believe1 were turned in the same direction--only our wishes did not exactly coincide4 ,polygamy was the thought common to both1 but upon its desirability we entertained dissimilar views4 ,a man with ,polygamy upon his mind was then a creature which ,i did not understand1 and which ,i had not fully studied4 ,some years later1 when ,i had a little more experience in ,mormonism1 ,i discovered several never-failing signs by which one might know when a man wished to take another wife4 ,he would suddenly 8awaken to a sense of his duties20 he would have serious misgivings as to whether the ,lord would pardon his neglect in not living up to his privileges2 he would become very religious1 and would attend to his meetings--his 8testimony meetings10 singing meetings1 and all sorts of other 8meetings10 which seemed just then to be very numerous1 and in various other ways he would show his anxiety to live up to his religion4 ,he would thus be frequently absent from home1 which1 of course1 8he deeply regrets10 as 8he loves so dearly the society of his wife and children40 ,the wife1 perhaps1 poor simple soul6 thinks that he is becoming unusually loving and affectionate1 for he used not1 at one time1 to express much sorrow at leaving her alone for a few hours2 and she thinks how happy she ought to feel that such a change has come over her husband1 although1 to be sure1 he was always as good as most of the other ,mormon men4 ,my husband was a good and consistent ,mormon1 and very much like the rest of his brethren in these matters2 and the brethren1 knowing themselves how he felt1 sympathized with him1 and urged him on1 and1 by every means in their power1 aided him in his noble attempts to carry out 8the commands of ,god60 ,one evening1 when he came home1 he seemed pre-occupied1 as if some matter of importance were troubling his mind4 ,this set me thinking1 too4 ,i saw that he wanted to say something to me1 and ,i waited patiently4 8,i am going to the ball10 he presently remarked1 8and ,i am going alone1 for ,brother ,brigham wishes me to meet him there40 ,i knew at once what was passing in his mind1 and dared not question him4 ,he went and saw ,brigham4 ,what passed between them ,i do not know2 but1 when my husband returned1 he intimated to me that it had been arranged that he should take another wife4 ,the idea that some day another wife would be added to our household was ever present in my mind1 but1 somehow1 when the fact was placed before me in so many unmistakable words1 my heart sank within me1 and ,i shrank from the realization that our home was at last to be desecrated by the foul presence of ,polygamy4 ,almost fainting1 now that the truth came home to me in all its startling reality1 ,i asked my husband when he proposed to take his second wife4 8,immediately10 he replied2 8that is to say1 as soon as ,i can40 ,we were silent for some time4 ,my mind was troubled4 ,had ,i been able to consider the whole affair as an outrage upon humanity in general1 and an insult to my sex in particular1 ,i should have replied with scorn and defiance4 ,had ,i implicitly believed in the divinity of the ,revelation1 ,i should have bowed my head in meek submission4 ,but ,i did neither of these4 ,the feelings of my heart naturally led me to hate with a most perfect hatred the very mention of the word ,polygamy1 while at the same time ,i still believed1 or tried to make myself believe1 that the ,revelation was from ,god1 and must therefore be obeyed4 ,such was the strange and contradictory position in which ,i was placed4 8,are you not satisfied that it is right for me to take another wife80 my husband asked4 8,i have never yet really doubted that the ,revelation was from ,god10 ,i replied1 8for ,i cannot believe that any man would be so blasphemous and wicked as to set forth such a revelation in ,god's name1 unless he received it as he said he did4 ,if it is from ,god1 of course you are right to obey it2 but if ,i were to consult my own feelings ,i would never consent to live in ,polygamy4 ,i would rather risk salvation1 and tell the ,lord that ,he had placed upon me a burden heavier that ,i was able to bear1 and that ,i regarded ,him as a hard taskmaster4 ,but when the salvation of my husband and children1 to say nothing of my own1 is at stake1 my wishes and happiness go for nothing1 and ,i can only consent40 ,from that moment ,i felt like a condemned criminal for whom there was not a shadow of hope or a chance of escape4 ,could ,i possibly have looked upon the sacred obligations of marriage as lightly as ,mormonism taught me to regard them1 ,i believe ,i should have broken every tie and risked the consequences4 ,but ,i had vowed to be faithful unto death1 and if this second marriage was for my husband's welfare1 and for the salvation of us and of our children1 ,i resolved to make the effort to subdue my rebellious heart1 or die in the attempt4 ,for the first time in my life1 ,i thanked ,god that ,i was not a man1 and that the salvation of my family did not depend upon me2 for if fifty revelations had commanded it1 ,i could not have taken the responsibility of withering one loving1 trusting heart4 ,i felt that if such laws were given to us1 our woman's nature ought to have been adapted to them1 so that submission to them might be as much a pleasure to us as it was to the men1 and that we might at least feel that we were justly dealt with4 ,not long after this1 my husband brought me a message from ,eliza ,r4 ,snow4 ,she wanted me to take tea with her1 and he urged me to accept the invitation4 ,i did not want to go1 for ,i knew too well her object in sending for me4 ,she had been talking with my husband about me1 ,i felt sure1 and that was how she came to send the message by him4 ,i went1 however1 and1 as ,i anticipated1 she wanted to talk with me about ,polygamy1 and to try to convince me that it was for our best interests that my husband should take another wife1 and that it was quite time he did so4 ,i told her that he was not yet in a position to do so4 8,we have quite a family10 ,i said1 8and ,i think he should at least be allowed to wait until he has accumulated a little before he embarrasses himself with new responsibilities40 8,and where would the kingdom of ,god be10 she asked1 8if we had all talked in this way8 ,let your husband take more wives1 and let them help him1 and you will feel blessed in keeping the commands of ,god40 8,there would be no good in my husband taking another wife10 ,i said1 8while ,i feel as ,i do now4 ,to be acceptable to the ,lord1 a sacrifice should be made willingly and in a proper spirit1 and ,i do not think that under present circumstances it is proper for him to do this thing40 8,let him be the judge of that10 she replied2 8do not seek to control him2 he alone is responsible1 and therefore let him do as he thinks best40 8,but10 ,i said1 8he himself does not want another wife yet40 ,but ,i spoke with hesitation1 for my heart misgave me4 8,you are mistaken10 she answered2 8your husband is a very good man1 and desires to live his religion1 and it is a great grief to him to know that you feel as you do1 and you really must try to overcome your opposition4 ,if you had a loaf of bread to make1 and you made it1 and it was pronounced good1 do you think it would be of the slightest consequence what feelings agitated your mind while you were making it1 so long as it was well made8 ,so it is with the ,lord4 ,he does not care with what feelings you give your husband another wife1 so long as you do so40 ,this was a miserable attempt at reasoning1 to say nothing of its falsity2 and notwithstanding all she said1 ,i still felt that no blessing would ever attend an unwilling sacrifice1 and ,i told her so4 ,she spoke to me very kindly1 however1 and tried to encourage me1 and suggested that ,carrie would be a very proper person for my husband to marry4 ,i had now no longer any doubt in my mind that it had been all 8arranged10 and that opposition on my part would be all in vain4 ,i was indignant at this1 for ,i believed that1 as the ,revelation itself said1 ,i--the first wife--ought first to have been consulted4 ,this1 however1 ,i subsequently found was as false as the system itself4 ,i returned home1 pondering over what had been said to me1 with a feeling of intense weariness oppressing my heart4 ,i did not know what to think4 ,it appeared to me that every one had determined that ,carrie should be my husband's second wife2 and ,i now believed1 with my talkative friend1 that ,brigham ,young had certainly intended it from the beginning4 ,i felt that ,i would rather that he should marry almost any one else than her2 for ,i felt certain that ,i should hate any woman whom he might marry1 no matter how much ,i might have loved her before4 ,but my mind was soon relieved of its trouble respecting poor ,carrie2 for1 as ,i before mentioned1 her failing health forbade all thoughts of marriage1 and my husband1 after a short time1 never spoke to me about her4 ,the real cause of my distress1 however1 was by no means removed2 it was determined1 without appeal1 that my husband should1 notwithstanding any impediment to the contrary1 take another wife1 whoever that chosen one might be4 ,my apprehensions1 therefore1 were not removed2 they were only turned in another direction4 ,,chapter ,,xxx4 ,,trials--,,the ,,second ,,wife ,,chosen--,,shadows ,,of ,,life4 ,it is a custom among the ,mormon married men--those at least who make any pretensions to doing what is right1 and who wish to spare the feelings of their wives as much as the degrading system will allow--to make it appear as if the second wife were chosen by the first1 and they go through the form of consulting with her as to who shall be selected4 ,the husband will mention the names of several eligible young ladies1 among whom is sure to be the one upon whom he has already set his affections4 ,if the wife should try to make herself agreeable by suggesting one or another of these young ladies1 some objection is sure to be raised4 ,one is too thoughtless2 the relations of another are not quite so agreeable as they might be2 and the temper of a third is said to be not very good4 ,in this way1 one after another is taken off the list1 until only one remains--the bright particular star of whom all along the husband has been thinking--and if the wife should make any objections to this one1 the husband1 of course1 has a ready answer4 ,in most cases her extreme youth is an excuse for everything2 she will have plenty of time to learn1 and will be the more ready to be taught4 ,when once they have obtained the reluctant consent of their wives1 it is astonishing how bright and cheerful these ,mormon husbands become4 ,notwithstanding all that they have said to the contrary1 it is evident that ,polygamy is no trial to their faith4 ,they say that it is as great a cross to them as it is to their wives1 but somehow or other they take very kindly to it4 ,it was soon settled who should be the honoured maiden to whom my husband should pay his addresses4 ,her name was ,belinda1 and she was the daughter of the ,apostle ,parley ,p4 ,pratt4 ,i of course was not expected to ask any questions or evince any curiosity respecting the girl or my husband's relations towards her4 ,i had given my consent1 ,i had acted my part1 or at least all the part that was expected of me2 ,i had fulfilled my duty as a ,mormon first wife when ,i agreed to another wife being taken2 and1 henceforth1 all that transpired was--so the ,elders would have said--no business of mine4 ,my husband's intended certainly was very young--almost too young for a bride she would have been considered in any other community--and ,i must in fairness allow that she was very handsome4 ,it is of the utmost importance that a ,mormon girl should marry young4 ,women everywhere are never anxious to grow old1 but among the ,mormons age is especially dreaded by the women2 for when years have robbed them of their personal attractions1 in most cases they lose all hold upon their husbands' affections1 and find themselves obliged to give place to prettier and more youthful rivals4 ,a woman's position in the world to come1 as ,i have before mentioned1 depends1 so the ,elders say1 very much upon the number of children she has borne in this2 it is1 therefore1 a consideration of the very first importance that she should marry as early in life as possible1 and this obligation is never for a moment overlooked by the refined and pure-minded ,mormon men4 ,and now began the 8painful task0 of wooing the young lady4 ,my husband told me that it was 8a very painful duty10 and as an obedient wife ,i felt bound to believe him4 ,it was1 of course1 no pleasure to him to pay his addresses to an interesting young girl2 it was no anxiety to be with her which made him hasten away to the damsel's house of an evening4 ,oh1 dear1 no6 it was pure principle1 love for the kingdom of ,god1 and 8a very painful task60 ,he seemed1 however1 to bear it remarkably well1 and manifested a zeal which was perfectly astonishing to me1 considering the circumstances4 ,in fact1 ,i felt it my duty to restrain him a little for the sake of his health1 for he seemed so anxious to perform his 8task0 properly that he could scarcely spare time to take his meals2 but1 regardless of his own feelings1 he did not pay much attention to my suggestions4 ,but1 deeply as ,i sympathized with my husband1 there were times when ,i felt that mine was indeed no imaginary sorrow1 and that nothing could lull the storm that had gathered in my breast4 ,the affliction which ,i had so long dreaded was now right at my door1 and the most painful feelings agitated my mind4 ,sometimes ,i shut myself up in my own room and tried to reason with myself2 then ,i would kneel1 and pray1 and weep with passionate emotion2 and again ,i would pace the floor1 my heart overflowing with anger and indignation4 ,i never1 at that time1 knew what it was to be happy1 for ,i felt that ,i was a burden and hindrance to my husband1 and ,i longed to die4 ,i had loved him so devotedly that ,i could not even now cast him from my heart1 and1 though ,i felt bitterly my position1 ,i believed that he would not willingly wound me1 and that he was acting from the purest of motives4 ,but it was all in vain4 ,i could not change my nature1 and my heart would rebel4 ,it would be impossible for me to tell the thousand annoyances and indignities to which ,i was forced to submit--trials which might appear too trifling even to name1 but which to a wife1 under such circumstances1 were crosses which she found it hard enough to bear4 ,my husband knew nothing of these things1 and1 had he done so1 it is more than probable that he would have considered it weakness in me to be troubled about matters of such small consequence--little actions and foolish words which he would have said ,i ought to have treated with contempt4 ,it was easy to say that1 but not so easy to do4 ,let any wife picture to herself how she would feel1 if1 after schooling her heart to submission1 after realizing that she was no longer to be first and dearest in her husband's affections1 she were to be constantly hearing the friends and relations of the young girl to whom her husband was engaged1 boasting of his devotion to her1 and openly expressing their belief that he had never loved before6 ,how would any wife be pleased if1 whenever her husband's intended received a valuable present from him1 she were particularly informed of the fact1 and a thousand little aggravating details were added to make her1 if possible1 more miserable8 ,a woman can nerve herself to endure almost anything1 and outwardly she may conceal her feelings1 but there are limits beyond which endurance is not possible4 ,a chance meeting with the girl who has superseded her in her husband's love1--or worse still1 should she chance to surprise the affectionate couple tte--tte1--is sufficient to dispel all her good resolutions and to destroy that tranquillity of mind which she finds it so difficult to preserve4 ,she becomes sick at heart1 nervous1 and entirely unfitted for her duties4 ,i have frequently heard ,mormon women say that1 notwithstanding their husbands had been for many years polygamists1 they could never see the other wives without a feeling of anger and indignation arising in their hearts4 ,i know that in my own case ,i never became reconciled to the system4 ,my husband was called away to the ,eastern ,states upon business1 and his marriage was postponed4 ,i thought that the present would be a good time to show her some little attentions1 which ,i believed it was my duty to do4 ,the idea of coming in contact with her was certainly not at all pleasant2 but ,i felt that it was only right for me to act in a friendly manner towards her1 however painful it might be4 ,she was the cause of much sorrow to me1 but ,i could not blame her1 for she had been born and brought up in the system1 and1 of course1 supposed it true4 ,belinda was a very nice girl1 and1 under other circumstances1 ,i believe ,i should have liked her very much4 ,i looked upon her as little more than a child1 and my husband has frequently told me that he also regarded her in that light2 but to me it was of small consequence that he thought of her as a child1 so long as he acted towards her as a woman4 ,now that he was away from home1 there was no danger that she would meet him1 so ,i invited her in a friendly way to call upon me4 ,she came1 and ,i had one or two other ladies present1 for ,i was not like my husband in that particular--,i had no anxiety to be alone with her4 ,my effort to cultivate a friendly feeling towards her was not very successful4 ,there was a coldness and restraint on both sides which we could not overcome1 and ,i felt not a little relief when the evening was over4 ,subsequently ,i renewed the attempt1 but to no purpose2 her very presence in my house1 and among my children1 seemed in itself an insult to me4 ,during my husband's absence my poor friend ,carrie ,grant had been daily growing worse in health4 ,i had once asked my husband if there was any truth in the rumours that ,i had heard of his attachment to her1 but he had assured me that there was no foundation for them4 ,poor ,carrie6 ,hers was a short and unhappy life2 even her little dream of love was overclouded by disappointment4 ,she was now constantly confined to her room1 and whenever it was possible ,i used to call upon her1 and attempted to make her feel more happy and cheerful4 ,she used to ask me to talk with her about ,mormonism4 8,you know10 she said1 8that ,i have never known any other religion1 and ,i believe that this is right1 though it does not make me happy4 ,my father loved ,mormonism so much that ,i feel it must be right2 the fault is in my own evil nature1 that does not bend to the will of ,heaven40 ,one day she said to me3 8,i am getting worse1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 and ,i am glad of it1 for ,i shall die4 ,i am of no good here--there is nothing for me to do2 if ,i lived1 ,i should only cause trouble2 it is better as it is40 8,carrie10 ,i said1 8you must not talk like that4 ,you are still very young1 and probably will live for many years1 and you do not know what future may lie before you40 8,do not blame me too much10 she replied1 8for ,i am not the only unhappy girl in the city4 ,i know many girls who are very miserable4 ,married women think that they are the only ones who suffer1 while we girls know that nowhere upon the face of the earth can be found such an unhappy set as we are4 ,why did ,brigham ,young keep me from going to my friends in the ,east8 ,i should have been happier then2 ,i should have felt better4 ,but now ,i want to die1 and ,i am weary waiting for death40 ,in this melancholy mood ,i found her one day1 when she appeared particularly sad4 ,she had been ill then about ten months2 but her loving blue eyes were just as bright as ever1 and ,i could see very little change in her1 except that she was not able now to leave her couch without assistance1 and she spoke as if it fatigued her very much4 ,it was quite impossible to arouse her from the state of melancholy into which she had fallen1 and it seemed to me that she could not last long4 ,i offered to take her to my house1 and said ,i would nurse her there and take care of her2 but she said she was very kindly treated by her father's family1 and did not wish to change4 ,she seemed to cling to me as if she could not bear that ,i should leave her1 and she told me she had something on her mind that troubled her2 she wanted to have a long talk with me about it1 but not that day1 she said4 ,as the end was fast approaching1 she one day said3 8,i want to tell you now1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 what ,i spoke of before1 if you are willing to listen and will not be angry with anything ,i say4 ,remember1 ,i am dying1 or ,i never would speak to you as ,i am going to40 ,i told her of my great love for her1 and that nothing that she could say would change that love4 8,you do not know what ,i want to ask you1 or you would not say so10 she replied2 8and ,i so dread to lose your love that ,i am afraid to tell you what is in my mind4 ,but you know that ,i am dying1 and you will not be very hard with me40 ,she was then silent for some time1 as if too much fatigued to continue the conversation4 8,no1 ,i cannot tell you to-day10 she said at last2 8,i want you to love me one day longer40 ,i urged her not to doubt that my love towards her could never change1 and told her that it was better for her to speak at once and relieve her mind4 ,she took my hand1 and looked long and tenderly at me1 and then she said3 8,i will tell you all2 and if your love can stand that test1 then indeed you do love me40 ,i encouraged her1 and she began3 8,would you hate me if ,i told you that ,i loved your husband80 8,no10 ,i replied1 8,i would not hate you1 ,carrie40 ,i said no more1 for it seemed to me that it would be wrong of me to tell her of my suspicions1 and all that ,i had suffered at the thought that my husband had conceived an affection for her4 8,can you possibly answer me as calmly as that80 she said4 8,i thought that the very mention of such a thing would almost kill you1 for ,i saw how much you loved your husband1 and1 ah6 how ,i have suffered at the thought of telling you6 ,but that is not all ,i wanted to say1 or ,i need never have spoken to you at all4 ,i wanted to ask you to do me one last kindness1 and then ,i think ,i shall die happy4 ,you know that we have been taught that ,polygamy is absolutely necessary to salvation1 and if ,i were to die without being sealed to some man ,i could not possibly enter the celestial kingdom4 ,my friends wished me to be sealed to one of the authorities of the ,church1 but ,i cannot bear the idea of being sealed to a man whom ,i do not love4 ,i love your husband1 and ,i want you to promise that ,i shall be sealed to him4 ,if ,i had thought that ,i should recover1 ,i never would have let you know this1 for ,i would not live to give you sorrow4 ,but1 when ,i am gone1 will you kneel by your husband's side in the ,endowment ,house1 and be married to him for me8 ,will it pain you much to do that for me1 ,sister ,stenhouse80 ,i felt so strangely as ,i listened to all this1 that ,i could not utter a single word1 and she continued3 8,we shall then be together in eternity1 and ,i am happy at the thought of that1 for ,i think ,i love you even better than ,i love him4 ,and then ,i believe we shall have overcome all our earthly feelings and shall be prepared to live that celestial law1 and perhaps we may prefer it1 for no doubt we shall know no unhappiness there40 ,the exertion of talking seemed to be too much for her1 and she remained silent for some time4 ,i felt ashamed that ,i had allowed my feelings to influence me at such a moment1 for while she had been speaking ,i had allowed my thoughts to travel back over the past year2 and now that she admitted her love for my husband1 very many circumstances came painfully to my recollection and confirmed all that she said4 ,i resolved1 however1 not to question her1 but to allow her to tell me just what she pleased4 ,so ,i knelt down by her side and whispered into her ear a solemn promise that ,i would do all that she desired4 ,poor girl6 how ,i felt for her6 ,when ,i had given her this pledge1 she appeared much relieved and told me freely all that had passed between my husband and herself1 and she said she had left my house simply because she could not endure to cause me any sorrow4 ,i told her of my husband's contemplated marriage with ,belinda ,pratt1 and she appeared a good deal troubled at it4 8,let me be second10 she said1 8for then ,i shall feel that ,i am nearer to you1 and ,i want you always to think that1 when you die1 if ,i have the power1 ,i shall be the first to meet you and take you by the hand40 ,thus we talked together for a long time1 and it was with painful interest that ,i listened to what she said4 ,it was a singular interview--a wife receiving from a young girl the confession that she loved her husband2 that he had fully returned her affection1 and had even talked with her about marriage2 the girl requesting the wife to be married for her to her own husband2 and the wife1 full of tender love towards the girl1 freely giving her a promise that she would do so4 ,in my sorrow at parting from her1 and the great affection that ,i felt towards her1 all feelings of jealousy were utterly forgotten4 ,before ,i left ,i said3 8,carrie1 whether you live or die1 you shall be married to my husband1 if he ever enters into ,polygamy2 and ,i say this although ,i do not doubt that he will do so1 and at the same time ,i think that you will live40 ,i really believed that she might recover2 for now this burden was off her mind1 ,i thought she would have strength to subdue her sickness1 and at first it seemed as if this would really be the case4 ,the next day she appeared so much better that her friends all became hopeful1 and when ,i told her that ,i had written to my husband and had told him1 that since he had made up his mind to go into ,polygamy1 ,i wished him to marry her1 she appeared so happy1 and showed her joy in so many innocent ways1 that ,i could not be angry4 8,how do you think he will feel10 she said1 8when he gets your letter8 ,do ,i look pretty well to-day8 ,and do you think that if ,i continue to get better ,i shall have regained my looks before he comes home80 8,oh10 ,i said1 humouring her1 8you will look quite pretty by the time he returns2 ,i shall be really jealous of you40 ,in an instant the thought of how much all mention of her in connexion with my husband must be painful to me1 occurred to her mind1 and she begged me to forgive her for her carelessness4 8,no10 said she1 8,i will try never to give you pain1 and you must always love me40 ,for some days this improvement in her appearance continued1 and ,i thought and hoped that we should soon have her round again4 ,i really wished her to live now1 for if it was absolutely necessary that ,mr4 ,stenhouse must practise ,polygamy1 ,i would prefer that1 rather than any other woman1 he should marry her1 for ,i felt that she would understand me as no one else could4 ,thus1 after all1 ,i really had selected a second wife for my husband6 ,but the change in poor ,carrie's looks was altogether deceptive4 ,news came to me one morning that she was very much worse1 and ,i hastened to see her4 ,as ,i entered the room1 her eyes brightened1 and she said3 8,i am glad that you have come1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 for ,i feel that ,i am going soon40 ,then1 after a pause1 she added1 holding up her hands--8,do you know what that means80 ,the fingernails were turning blue4 8,that means death10 she said2 8and it is better so40 ,after this we conversed together for some time upon various topics of special interest to her in the position in which she then was1 and presently she said1 as if asking a question1 8,you will keep your promise1 ,i know40 8,carrie10 ,i answered1 8if there is anything that ,i can say or do that will make you feel more certain that ,i will keep my promise1 if ,i live to do so1 tell me1 and ,i will do it40 8,i am afraid10 she said1 8that1 after all1 he never loved me4 ,he pitied my lonely situation and was so kind and good to me1 that ,i learned to love him1 and those meddlesome sisters tried to get him to marry me1 but ,i would not be false to you4 ,then we both thought it was best not to tell you1 as it would make you grieve1 although it never could take place4 ,even now1 had ,i not known that ,i was dying1 ,i never would have told you4 ,but you will not love me less when you think of me after ,i am gone80 ,i told her that my affection for her would never change1 and ,i talked with her1 and tried to soothe her dying moments1 and to make her feel less lonely2 and thus the morning passed away4 ,in the afternoon she was silent and apparently unconscious1 and before another day dawned she had passed away to her rest4 ,,chapter ,,xxxi4 ,,marriage ,,for ,,the ,,dead--,,entering ,,into ,,polygamy--,,the ,,new ,,wife4 ,the following evening ,i went round again to the house1 to gaze once more at the form of my dear friend4 ,she was lying in her coffin1 dressed for the grave1 and ,i looked at her long and tenderly as she rested sleeping there4 ,her features were peaceful and natural as if in slumber2 an expression of calm tranquillity hovered around her countenance1 and in the repose of death she seemed almost happy4 ,poor girl6 her life had been short indeed1 and she had known but little pleasure2 but ,i believed that she was now beyond the reach of earthly sorrow and earthly disappointment1 happy in that land where suffering and tears are all unknown4 8,there shall be no night there10 the ,lord of that other life had said4 ,sorrow and sighing shall flee away from that bright and glorious land2 and the grief and pain1 which on earth are the portion of so many tried and weary hearts1 shall find no entrance into that eternal rest which our ,father in heaven has prepared for us beyond the floods of death4 ,oh1 better far6 ,i thought1 it is that thus she should pass away4 ,true1 she has seen but little of life1 and has not tasted many of its joys2 but1 as a compensation1 how much has she been spared6 ,she was so gentle and so sensitive1 so unfit to battle with the stern realities of existence1 that ,i felt she had gained rather than lost in being taken away in the morning of her life4 ,i now expected very soon to be called upon to undergo the most painful ordeal that any wife can be required to pass through3 ,i was to give my husband another wife--such is the sacrifice demanded of every ,mormon woman4 ,the thought of doing this was worse than death to me4 ,i felt injured1 humiliated and degraded by it1 and yet ,i still tried to believe that it was the will of ,god1 and must therefore be right4 ,to me1 this outrage upon all the purest feelings of womanhood seemed more like the will of men--men of the basest and most unholy passions4 ,it was repulsive to me in whatever form it was presented1 but still ,i reproached my own rebellious heart for feeling so1 for ,i had been told that the ways of the ,lord were past finding out1 and1 however unlike ,him this ,revelation might appear1 we ,mormon women had been taught that it was our duty to bend our wills and to suffer in unquestioning and uncomplaining silence4 ,as the time approached1 ,i felt like a condemned criminal awaiting the day of execution4 ,a sense of apprehension1 a dread of coming evil1 was ever present to my mind1 and everything appeared to me through the medium of my griefs4 ,to a certain extent1 my husband also suffered1 for it would be impossible1 ,i think1 for any man to see his wife suffering so intensely without feeling for her1 and ,i sometimes believed that his sympathy for me was so great1 that1 if he had dared1 he would even then have refused to obey the counsel of the ,priesthood4 ,then1 too1 he had a little trouble of his own1 for he began to realize that this innovation upon the sanctity of our home would make a great change in his future--his freedom would be gone4 ,however gratifying it may be to a man's feelings to know that there is no limit to his privileges1 and that he is always at liberty--no matter how many wives he may already possess--to fall in love with every pretty girl he meets1 and marry her if she consents2 yet every intelligent man must be conscious that it can be no easy matter to keep peace between many wives in one house1 and that1 if he wishes to act rightly by all1 he must train himself to be scrupulously just1 never showing any partiality in look or deed1 or even by a word4 ,there are many such men among the ,mormons4 ,they are conscientious and good men1 who try to live their religion1 but who at the same time desire to act kindly towards their wives4 ,my husband began to realize the great responsibility that he was about to take upon himself1 and1 seeing his thoughtful and troubled look1 ,i tried to hide my own feelings2 for every true wife knows that nothing so powerfully arouses a woman to struggle with her own sorrows as the knowledge that her husband is unhappy4 ,the dreaded day at length arrived1 the day which for so long1 and with such painful forebodings1 ,i had anticipated4 ,i had spent a very wakeful and unhappy night1 and felt very sick and nervous1 for ,i was about to become a mother1 and my health was anything but strong4 ,i hardly felt as if ,i should have courage to go through that day4 ,i was1 however1 compelled to nerve myself to the task1 and ,i began to make my preparations for going to the ,endowment ,house4 ,the only thing that gave me strength was the thought that my husband had consented that ,i should go through the ceremony of being married to him that day for ,carrie2 for even then ,i supposed that those who would be married in heaven must first be married on earth1 and that1 too1 by those who had received authority from on high4 ,ever since ,i had first embraced ,mormonism ,i had been entirely cut off from ,gentile society1 although living in the ,gentile world4 ,abroad1 and also when in ,new ,york1 the cares of a family kept me very much at home1 and the continual state of apprehension in which ,i was rendered me averse to visiting among friends4 ,thus it was that ,i never conversed freely with any one who could have informed me truthfully of the origin of ,mormonism1 and consequently ,i brooded over my religion as a melancholy fact2 but1 though with moments of weakness and wavering1 ,i never thoroughly doubted its divine origin4 ,the terrible sacrifice which was about to be required of me might1 ,i thought1 be painful to make1 but it was no less the will of ,god4 ,i must submit1 whatever the effort might cost me4 ,the morning was bright and lovely--a morning calculated to inspire happy hopes and pleasant feelings2 but to me it brought nothing but fear and trembling4 ,even the innocent prattle of my children annoyed me1 and they1 not knowing how deeply ,i was suffering1 looked at me with wonder in their eyes4 ,oh1 ,i thought1 surely my husband will at length comprehend the greatness of the love ,i bear him8 surely he will now appreciate the sacrifice ,i make for his sake and for my religion8 ,even now1 if ,i did not know that he believes this doctrine to be true1 and he would feel condemned if1 through any opposition of mine1 he were not allowed to practise it1 ,i would at the last moment dash this bitter cup from my lips and take my chance of the consequences in a future state6 ,utterly cast down and broken-hearted1 ,i felt almost as if the ,lord ,himself had forsaken me1 and there was no one to whom ,i could look for aid4 ,i could not go to my husband in that hour for sympathy2 for ,i well knew that his thoughts must be with his intended bride1 and that my sorrows would only trouble him at a time when he must desire to be at peace4 ,besides which1 ,i was too proud to plead for love at a shrine that ,i felt should rightfully be all my own4 ,and then1 too1 ,i knew not but what he might tell her of my feelings2 and it would be too great a humiliation for me should she think me jealous of the position which she now occupied1 and her influence over my husband4 ,with such feelings ,i went to the ,endowment ,house4 ,there at the altar ,i was to give proof of my obedience and of my faith in my religion1 by placing the hand of the new wife in that of my husband4 ,the thought was almost madness4 ,to have followed my husband to the grave would have been a terrible blow to me1 but to live to see him the husband of another woman was something that seemed to me beyond endurance4 ,notwithstanding every effort of faith1 doubts would arise1 and in bitterest anguish ,i thought--this is more like the work of cruel man than of ,god4 ,why should man have this power over woman1 and she so helpless8 ,surely a just and impartial ,god can have nothing to do with this6 ,there was a darkness before my eyes1 and1 struggle as ,i might1 ,i could see no ray of light--no glimmering of hope4 ,first1 my husband was married to ,miss ,pratt2 and then to me for ,carrie6 ,thus ,i fulfilled my pledge to my departed friend4 ,i had found1 before going to the ,endowment ,house1 that ,i could not have ,carrie sealed to my husband next to me1 for ,belinda had objected1 and her mother had appealed to ,brigham ,young about it4 ,they told me that he had said that the living had claims before the dead1 although my own feelings would have led me to think otherwise4 ,brigham ,young performed the ceremony4 ,he sat at the end of the altar and we three knelt down--my husband on one side1 and ,miss ,pratt and myself on the other4 ,speaking to me1 ,brigham ,young asked3 8,are you willing to give this woman to your husband to be his lawful wife for time and for all eternity8 ,if you are1 you will signify it by placing her right hand within the right hand of your husband40 ,i did so2 but what words can describe my feelings8 ,the anguish of a whole lifetime was crowded into that one single moment4 ,the painful meaning of those words1 8for all eternity10 withered my soul1 and the unending contract which my husband had made with another woman was practically a divorce from me4 ,i had now laid everything upon the altar of sacrifice1 for ,i had given away my husband4 ,what more could the ,lord require of me that ,i was not prepared to do8 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,crisis ,,of ,a ,,life--,,entering ,,into ,,polygamy4 ,to face p4 #bif4 ,i was bewildered and almost beside myself1 and yet ,i had to hide my feelings4 ,hope was for ever banished from my life4 ,to whom could ,i look for sympathy among those who were around me8 ,they were most of them men who had ruthlessly wrecked the lives and lacerated the hearts of hundreds of women before my turn came1 and the sight of an unhappy wife was so common in their experience that it was more likely to awaken their anger than their pity4 ,i felt this instinctively1 and ,i resolved that they should never know how much my poor heart was torn4 ,my husband1 it is true1 was there4 ,my husband6 ,was he not now the husband of another woman1 and therefore no longer belonging to me8 ,i knew that ,i never could overcome my early teaching sufficiently to feel that this was right1 though such was my wretched fanaticism that ,i mentally and verbally assented to it4 ,i felt that now ,i stood alone--our union was severed1 there could never be any copartnership between that other wife and myself--no1 never6 ,salvation or no salvation1 it was impossible that ,i could ever love her4 ,from that day ,i began to hide all my sorrows from my husband1 and it was but very seldom that ,i uttered a word of discontent1 and when ,i expressed what ,i felt1 it was in anger2 but never in sorrow seeking sympathy4 ,i remember when we returned home--that home which had now lost its charm1 for the young wife was to live there--my husband said to me3 8,you have been very brave1 but it is not so hard to bear1 after all1 is it80 ,i had hidden my feelings so well that he really thought that ,i was indifferent4 ,but during the remainder of the day1 how ,i watched their looks and noticed every word6 ,to me their tender tones were daggers1 piercing my heart and filling me with a desire to revenge myself upon the father of my children4 ,oh1 what fanatics we ,mormon women have been ever to have believed for a single moment that a just and loving ,father and ,god would have given a command that in almost every instance has produced such fearful results upon those who should have been happy wives and mothers1 and consequently upon their children6 ,indeed1 even then it made me feel that there was no justice in heaven1 if this love which is the best part of woman's nature--this love that we had always believed was a part of divinity itself--this principle1 without which there would be nothing worth living for--if this was to be our greatest curse1 and the woman who showed herself most actuated by this gentle influence was to be the greatest victim4 ,i felt that day that if ,i could not get away by myself alone and give expression to my overcharged feelings1 ,i should certainly lose my reason4 ,i was utterly miserable4 ,it was only in the dead of night1 in my own chamber1 that ,i gave way to the terrible anguish that was consuming me4 ,god and my own soul can alone bear witness to what ,i suffered in that time of woe4 ,that night was to me such as even the most ,god-forsaken might pray never to know2 and morning dawned without my having for a moment closed my eyes4 ,,chapter ,,xxxii4 ,,domestic ,,arrangements ,,of ,,the ,,saints3--,,polygamy ,,from ,a ,,woman',s ,,standpoint4 ,i was now to realize personally1 in my own home life1 what ,polygamy actually was4 ,hitherto ,i had observed how other women suffered1 and how other men treated their wives2 but now the painful reality had come to my own door1 and ,i was to experience the effects of the system upon myself1 and1 instead of noting the conduct of other men1 ,i should be able to observe the change which ,polygamy might work in my own husband4 ,how little do the ,mormon men know what it is in the truest sense to have a wife1 though they have so many 8wives0 after their own fashion6 ,almost imperceptibly to the husband1 and even to the wife herself1 a barrier rises between them from the very day that he marries another woman4 ,it matters not how much she believes in the doctrine of plural marriage1 or how willing she may be to submit to it1 the fact remains the same4 ,the estrangement begins by her trying to hide from him all her secret sorrows2 for she feels that what has been done cannot be undone now1 and she says3 8,i cannot change it2 neither would ,i if ,i could1 because it is the will of ,god1 and ,i must bear it2 besides1 what good will it do to worry my husband with all my feelings8 ,he cannot help me2 and is he not another woman's husband80 ,then comes1 perhaps1 the painful thought1 8,i have no longer any desire to confide in him40 ,or it may be that she detects some familiarity between her husband and the other wife2 and she feels bitterly towards both1 for1 strive as she may1 human nature cannot be altogether crushed out4 ,that was a time of great misery to me1 much as ,i tried to control my feelings4 ,day by day ,i strove to hide from my heart even the knowledge of my own unhappiness2 and when ,i could no longer endure1 ,i would lock myself in my room and give vent to the anguish that was consuming me4 ,i realized1 however1 that this continual conflict of feeling was unfitting me for my duties4 ,everything was becoming a trial to me4 ,i could not bear to be spoken to2 the prattle of my children1 that had always been so dear to me1 was now discordant to my feelings2 and all their little questionings were irksome4 ,i determined that this should no longer be the case2 ,i would battle with my own heart2 ,i would henceforth devote my whole life--worthless as that life appeared to have become--to the welfare of my little ones4 ,this was a conclusion that hundreds of wretched ,mormon wives have arrived at2 and when this is the case1 there is some hope for them4 ,but many give way to despair1 and go down broken-hearted to their graves4 ,how terribly these ,mormon men deceive themselves6 ,when peace1 or rather quiet1 reigns in their homes1 they think that the ,spirit of ,god is there4 ,but it is not so4 ,it is a calm not like the gentle silence of sleep1 but as the painful stillness of death--the death of the heart's best affection and all that is worth calling love4 ,all true love has fled1 and indifference has taken its place4 ,the very children feel it4 ,what do they1 what can they1 care about their father1 whom they so seldom see8 ,some wives1 afraid of creating a prejudice against themselves and of being forsaken altogether1 deceive their husbands1 and make them believe that they are satisfied4 ,it must be admitted that1 in acting thus1 these wives are not always actuated by a fear of losing the society or love of their husbands1 for1 in ,polygamy1 love dies a natural death2 but it is galling to a woman's pride to have it said that she has been cast off for another4 ,then1 too--and some women would consider this the most important reason of all--the best provision is usually made for the home where the husband stops most frequently2 and the wife1 if not for her own sake1 at least for her children's1 will be anxious to have a well-provided house4 ,this is only natural4 ,the 8divine0 plan has always been worked out in a very human way4 ,when a man has several wives1 there is1 of course1 no necessity for him to stay with an unhappy or mopish one1 as he can always find a more pleasant reception elsewhere4 ,men who can really believe that women are satisfied and happy under such a system must be entirely ignorant of human nature4 ,when a man has more than one wife1 his affections must of necessity be divided2 he really has no home in the truest sense of the word2 his houses are simply boarding-places4 ,should he have all his wives in one house1 as is often the case1 they are then all slaves to the system2 each one is watching the others1 and they know it--trying to discover something that can be secretly told to the husband to draw away his affections from the rest4 ,what more miserable position could be imagined8 ,there is1 however1 no fixed principle regulating ,mormon men in the management of their families2 every one is at liberty to do as he thinks best1 and scarcely two families are governed alike4 ,when ,salt ,lake ,city was first settled1 the people had to live as best they could1 and a man was glad to get even one roof under which he and all his wives might be sheltered4 ,now1 when the husband is wealthy1 he generally provides separate homes for his wives4 ,some wealthy men1 however1 still have all their wives and families together4 ,i have in my mind1 as ,i write1 a very prominent ,mormon1 who has half-a-dozen wives2 and he divides his time among them after this fashion4 ,the first week he stays with the first wife2 the next week he is with the second2 then he goes back to the first4 ,the fourth week he passes with the third wife2 then he returns for another week to the first4 ,and thus he continues to give one week to the first wife1 and the next to one of the other five in turn1 until he has blessed them all with his presence4 ,now1 it would at a casual glance appear that this first wife has by far the largest share of her husband's society2 but if the truth must be told1 it must be admitted that the husband is not quite so generous as he appears4 ,the last wife of this good man is a young and pretty girl1 and she lives with the first wife1 and thus his devotion to the latter is rewarded by the presence of the former4 ,each of the other wives has one week of his society and attentions in every eleven--about five weeks apiece of companionship with their husband in the course of a whole year4 ,other men with the same number of wives pass constantly between one house and another2 they can never be found when wanted2 their lives are one eternal round1 and they may be said to have no real abiding place4 ,in every settlement in ,utah1 long1 low-roofed houses may be seen with a row of doors and windows alternating4 ,even in ,salt ,lake ,city1 much as it has changed of late years1 such houses may still be found4 ,to every door and window there is1 of course1 a wife2 and the furniture of her room consists of a bed1 three chairs1 and a table4 ,then1 if the man is a very devout ,mormon and wishes to increase his kingdom by adding another wife to the inhabitants of the long many-doored house1 a waggon-box is so arranged as to form a sleeping apartment for the new comer2 or1 what is more likely1 one of the old wives is put into the waggon-box1 and the new one takes her place4 ,a house with two wings is rather a favourite style with those men1 who1 to silence their conscience and the priesthood1 conclude to take 8just one extra wife10 and no more4 ,the wives1 with their children1 occupy1 respectively1 each a wing2 and the entrance-door opens into a parlour1 which serves as a reception-room for both families4 ,the husband in this case spends a week on one side of the house and a week on the other1 alternately2 and thus1 by an impartial division of his attentions1 he preserves peace in his family4 ,a man who is comfortably off can1 of course1 arrange his domestic affairs so as to avoid1 as far as is possible1 the inconveniences of the system1 but a poor man is forced to submit to circumstances4 ,many men have entered into ,polygamy1 with two1 three1 and even four wives1 all1 with their children1 living together under one roof--in one room--in the most disgraceful and barbarous manner2 but even for this the leaders were really more to blame than the poor deluded men themselves2 for the command to 8,build up the ,kingdom6--build up the ,kingdom60--in other words1 take many wives and raise up large families--has been so constantly and imperatively insisted upon that good sense and propriety have at last been entirely overlooked4 ,illustration3 ,,polygamy ,,in ,,low ,,life--,,the ,,poor ,,man',s ,,family4 ,,polygamy ,,in ,,high ,,life--,,the ,,prophet',s ,,mansion4 ,to face p4 #cjb4 ,in a very large house1 with many wives1 there is greater safety and peace for the husband than in a small house with only two wives4 ,when there are only two apartments1 the husband1 if not in one1 is supposed to be in the other1 and the neglected wife frequently expresses her opinion of her rival in the opposite room in very powerful language4 ,scenes may be witnessed in such households which are too shocking to disclose4 ,brigham ,young was conscious of this when he said he 8would stand no more fighting and scratching around him02 and yet1 in the face of all this1 he dares to tell the people that this is the 8,order of ,celestial ,marriage40 ,with many wives living together in a large house there are many advantages4 ,the whereabouts of the husband is not so easily discovered1 and the unhappy or jealous wife is at a loss to know upon whom to vent her ire4 ,on this account even men with small means prefer to have three wives instead of two1 as each wife1 not knowing which of the other two she ought to hate the most1 divides her jealousy4 ,it takes1 however1 a wise man to know how to live in ,polygamy1 so as to balance all the conflicting interests and obtain a little peace1 if happiness is out of the question4 ,where the husband is a rich man and has abundant wealth wherewith to supply the wants of his numerous wives and children1 and to furnish all the necessary accommodation that a growing family demands1 much of the jealousy and ill-feeling inseparable from ,polygamy can1 to a certain extent1 be avoided4 ,it would be quite impossible1 with any regard to propriety1 to relate all the horrible results of this disgraceful system4 ,it has debased the minds and degraded the lives of good and honest men and women1 while those who naturally had a tendency towards evil have become a hundred times worse4 ,marriages have been contracted between the nearest relatives2 and old men tottering on the brink of the grave have been united to little girls scarcely in their teens2 while unnatural alliances of every description1 which in any other community would be regarded with disgust and abhorrence1 are here entered into in the name of ,god1 and under the sanction of a 8,revelation0 supposed to proceed from the pure and holy ,saviour4 ,i was much shocked and disgusted when first ,i went to ,utah1 to find a man whom under other circumstances ,i had known in ,london1 living with two sisters whom he had married in the manner ,i have just described1 and1 strange as it may appear1 it was not with them a matter of necessity4 ,when ,i knew the husband in ,europe1 ,i considered him a man of education and refinement2 but ,i certainly was mistaken1 for no man whose nature was at all sensitive would have lived as he did4 ,his wives1 too1 who had been considered highly respectable ,english girls1 were not ashamed of their degraded position2 they professed to believe in bringing the world back to its primitive purity and innocence4 ,it is quite a common thing in ,utah for a man to marry two and even three sisters4 ,i was well acquainted with one man who married his half-sister1 and ,i know several who have married mother and daughter4 ,i know also another man who married a widow with several children2 and1 when one of the girls had grown into her teens1 he insisted on marrying her also1 having first by some means won her affections4 ,the mother1 however1 was much opposed to this marriage1 and finally gave up her husband entirely to her daughter2 and to this very day the daughter bears children to her step-father1 living as wife in the same house with her mother6 ,in another instance1 a well-known man in ,salt ,lake ,city1 who has several wives and married daughters1 married a young girl of fifteen years of age whom his wife had adopted and brought up as her own4 ,quite a number of the leading ,mormons have wives in the various settlements2 and this is very convenient to them if they have to travel much4 ,if the wives are old and experienced1 as wives who are sent into the country generally are1 they can then look after and manage a farm2 and if they have growing boys1 the farm can be worked upon a very economical plan4 ,the younger wives in the city can be supplied from them with all the butter1 cheese1 vegetables1 c41 that they require4 ,it takes considerable shrewdness to manage women in such a way as to turn all their abilities to good account and to make them profitable4 ,let me ask the good brethren who read this to act for once impartially1 and try to put themselves in a woman's place2 and let me for their benefit draw a little picture for them to contemplate4 ,it is evening1 and the family are all assembled in their pleasant home--a home made happy by the kind and thoughtful care of a loving father4 ,peace and tranquillity dwell in every heart1 and the father is happy in being surrounded by his children1 to whom he is fondly attached4 ,he listens to the prattle of the little ones1 or the music and songs of the elder children2 and for a time he is forgetful of everything save the happiness of the hour4 ,suddenly his wife1 the mother of his children1 whom he dearly loves1 rises from her seat beside the fire and retires to her own apartment4 ,there she arranges her toilet with irreproachable care1 sees that every straying curl is in its place1 and gives every touch to her appearance which she thinks is likely to render her attractive in the eyes of a man4 ,she now descends the stairs1 ready to leave the home of this1 her first husband1 for she is going to see her second husband1 or some young man to whom she has taken a fancy1 and who she thinks would be suitable for a third4 ,she kisses her children good-bye1 and is about to take an affectionate farewell of their father1 when she suddenly discovers that he is not looking happy4 8,what is the matter now80 she says2 8is not your home a pleasant one8 have ,i not taken pains to train your children in a proper manner1 and have ,i not remained an hour longer than usual with you8 ,what folly it is for you to be moping in this way6 this is not the way to live our religion1 if we expect to get the blessing of ,god4 ,you know very well it is very painful for me to leave you and my children2 but we must be obedient to the commands of ,god1 and ,i owe attentions to my other husband as well as to you60 ,can any man be supposed who would for a moment endure such an outrage upon decency and common sense1 such a violation of all that is sacred in the human heart8 ,and yet this is only reversing the case2 and just as any ,mormon man can suppose he would feel1 if the wife he loved were to act in the way ,i have described1 so do ,mormon wives feel1 only as much more acutely1 as women are more sensitive in their affections than men4 ,,chapter ,,xxxiii4 ,,lights ,,and ,,shadows ,,of ,,polygamy--,,marriage ,,and ,,baptism ,,for ,,the ,,dead4 ,my life was now one continued series of deceptions1 as was also that of my husband1 and we began habitually to wear the mask when in each other's presence4 ,it may have been wrong1 perhaps1 but ,i confess that for my husband's intended bride ,i felt such a detestation that ,i could not endure her presence1 although ,i knew that she was not to blame4 ,i believed that ,i should not have felt it so much if she had been a little older2 but to have a mere child placed on a level with me1 and to be compelled to treat her with all the respect due to a wife1 was so terribly humiliating to me that at times ,i thought that ,i could not endure it another day4 ,she1 of course1 expected to be treated with all the consideration which is proper to a wife1 and to be consulted in everything by my husband1 as a wife should be4 ,she was not1 however1 competent to undertake any household duties or wifely cares1 and was herself an additional responsibility to me4 ,young and inexperienced as she was1 she had everything to learn2 but1 at the same time1 she stood so much upon her dignity that it was anything but a pleasant task to teach her4 ,it of course devolved upon me to instruct her in everything1 and ,i found it anything but a congenial task4 ,i soon began to look upon her simply as a boarder1 and expected nothing more from her than ,i should if she had really been such4 ,she took very kindly to this position1 and would spend her days in her own room1 reading and otherwise amusing herself1 and of course was always pleasant and well-dressed to receive her husband4 ,but this did not suit me4 ,in fact ,i do not know what would have suited me at that time1 for ,i was disposed to be displeased with everything4 ,and yet a visitor to our house would1 ,i have no doubt1 have1 said1 8,how very pleasantly those two wives get along together60 ,this has been said of scores of women in ,utah by casual observers--,gentiles1 who thought they 8understood0 the system4 ,how little do they know the aching void and the bitter hatred which exists in the hearts of those wives--the detestation which they have of one another6 ,how little can they know1 when everything is so carefully hidden1 even from their husbands6 ,it is a shameful thing that women1 faithful wives and mothers1 should be placed in such a position4 ,how many times during the day have ,i been compelled to leave everything and rush to my chamber1 and there on my bended knees supplicate for strength to endure1 thinking all the time that1 in ordaining this ,revelation1 ,god had given us a burden greater than we could bear6 ,then in the evening1 when we were assembled together in our cosy parlour1 as we were wont to be1 all traces that remained of the terrible struggle which ,i had endured were a sad countenance and perhaps the deepening lines upon my brow1 which contrasted unpleasantly with the bright and cheerful face of the young wife1 and made my husband feel that ,i was getting very sour in my disposition1 as indeed was probably the case4 ,things and actions1 which at another time ,i should have considered too trifling to notice1 had now a painful significance to me4 ,on one occasion1 not long after the wedding1 my husband asked me to take a walk with him1 and ,i consented4 ,among the ,mormons it is a custom to take their wives out together very frequently4 ,their object1 ,i presume1 is to display the 8jewels0 in their crowns before the eyes of their less fortunate brethren4 ,i had resolved that ,i would never submit to this2 if my husband would not take me out alone1 ,i would stay at home4 ,on the occasion ,i mention1 when ,i came out of my room ready dressed1 ,i found him and his wife1 ,belinda1 waiting and chatting pleasantly together1 and looking unutterable love at each other--at least1 so ,i thought--and ,i felt greatly insulted and annoyed1 and told them ,i did not wish to go4 ,i carefully avoided showing any outbursts of temper before the young lady1 which ,i thought would be undignified1 for ,i desired at least that she should respect me1 though ,i did not want her love4 ,if ,i had expected that they would urge me to accompany them1 ,i should have been greatly mistaken1 for my refusal appeared to be just what they wanted4 ,they tripped off together as light-hearted and happy as children1 while ,i remained rooted to the spot1 tearing my pocket-handkerchief to pieces1 and wishing ,i could do the same with them4 ,i used sometimes to wonder whether it would be the same in the ,mormon heaven1 where this ,celestial ,order of ,marriage is expected to be carried out in all its fullness1 and ,i felt troubled for myself4 ,these dreadful feelings would1 ,i believed1 be the ruin of my soul1 and ,i thought it was impossible for me to obtain salvation until ,i had entirely subdued them--and that ,i had not power yet to do4 ,i had1 however1 so concealed what ,i felt1 that my husband believed that ,i was becoming used to this new life4 ,day after day my rebellious soul was agitated by the same troubled feelings4 ,there was no rest for me--nothing upon which ,i could stay my mind4 ,my husband was painfully aware that there was a coldness and restraint existing between his young wife and myself1 and ,i know that he was grieved by it1 for he had tried in every way to create a friendly feeling between us4 ,i felt1 however1 that it was utterly impossible that ,i could ever be affectionate towards his other wife1 much as ,i might strive4 ,i would do my duty1 but ,i could not love her1 or1 in fact1 him either for that matter1 when he was associated with her4 ,i regret to be obliged to confess such a truth2 but from that time1 and as long as ,i remained in ,mormonism1 the sentiment that was uppermost in my mind was an utter detestation of the whole system4 ,i despised myself for being the abject slave that ,i was4 ,why could ,i not have the moral courage to set everything at defiance--,revelation and all--and free myself from the bondage that enthralled me8 ,i know this day scores of women in ,utah who think and feel exactly as ,i did then1 who suffer wrongs against which their hearts daily and hourly rebel1 but who1 like me1 dread to cast aside the yoke of the oppressor4 ,at that time1 in respect to pecuniary matters1 we were very comfortably off4 ,almost immediately after our arrival in ,utah1 ,mr4 ,stenhouse had found employment on the staff of the ,deseret ,news4 ,before long he obtained the appointment of postmaster for ,salt ,lake ,city1 and before his marriage with ,miss ,pratt he had started the ,telegraph1 the first daily paper that was ever published in ,utah4 ,from the beginning it had been remarkably successful2 for ,brigham had counselled the people to sustain it1 knowing very well that he himself would in return be supported by my husband4 ,brigham had no more devoted follower than ,mr4 ,stenhouse was then1 for the scales had not yet fallen from his eyes1 and he believed the ,prophet was really what he claimed to be--a faithful servant of ,god4 ,true1 we had frequently talked together of his very mean actions2 but my too generous1 or perhaps too credulous1 husband had attributed all that to the weakness of his human nature1 and would not believe that it affected his priesthood4 ,he therefore sustained him strongly and consistently before the public2 not for gain1 for he had given too many instances of his devotion to be suspected of that2 but ,i may say from pure attachment1 for ,i know too well that at that time he was almost ready to lay down his life for the sake of his religion4 ,the ,telegraph soon became the leading journal in ,utah1 and in a little while we were surrounded by every comfort and luxury which at that time could be procured in ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,no family in the ,territory was better provided for than was ours1 not excepting ,brigham ,young's4 ,i had always believed that if my husband were left alone1 untrammelled by the ,church1 to make his own way1 he would do so successfully4 ,in this ,i was not mistaken4 ,we now owned a fine dwelling-house1 a valuable city lot and house1 where the paper was printed1 and also another very desirable lot1 near to ,brigham ,young's residence4 ,this last lot was my own2 it was very beautifully situated1 and we expended on it upwards of three thousand dollars4 ,everything that my husband undertook at that time seemed to prosper--not excepting his love affairs4 ,just then a great deal was whispered privately about certain murders which had been committed1 all knowledge of which was strenuously denied by the authorities4 ,when any case was so notorious that it could not possibly be altogether hushed up1 we were told that the murdered persons were dangerous people1 and had been killed in self-defence by those whom they in the first instance had attacked4 ,my husband1 like hundreds of others1 was never in the confidence of the ,church authorities in these matters4 ,he believed firmly in the divine mission of ,joseph ,smith1 and shut his eyes to the actions of ,brigham ,young1 thinking that he alone would be responsible to the ,lord for his misdeeds4 ,when ,i drew his attention to the inconsistency of ,brigham's conduct1 as on more than one occasion ,i did1 he said we had enough to do to look at home and see that we ourselves did what was right4 ,this1 of course1 was true2 but ,i thought1 nevertheless1 that a little more consistency on ,brigham's part would not be amiss4 ,my talkative friend called one day to speak of a very serious subject4 8,i have come1 ,sister ,stenhouse10 she said1 8to talk to you about a matter of great importance1 but ,i don't want to offend you1 and you must promise beforehand to forgive me40 ,i readily promised1 and she added3 8,i thought ,i should find you very unhappy1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 about poor dear ,carrie ,grant1 and ,i think if you are so you deserve it1 but ,i don't like you to be miserable1 and so ,i came to comfort you40 8,but1 ,sister ,ann10 ,i said1 8,i don't want to be comforted in the way you seem to mean4 ,i have been very sad indeed at losing ,carrie2 but you know ,i did everything ,i could for her1 poor girl1 and ,i have nothing to blame myself for40 8,nothing to blame yourself for80 she exclaimed4 8,why1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 you have everything to blame yourself for4 ,if poor ,carrie has less glory1 it is all your fault40 8,how so80 ,i said4 8,why10 she answered1 8if you had not held back and expressed your dislike1 ,carrie would have married your husband1 and would most likely have been alive now4 ,she would have had her family1 and would have added to your husband's glory2 while now1 although she is your husband's wife1 she has no children1 and1 of course1 must have less glory in the ,kingdom40 8,well1 ,sister ,ann10 ,i said1 8,i never thought of it in that light4 ,i loved ,carrie very much1 and ,i tried to make her love me4 ,it was not until almost the last that ,i knew of her love for my husband2 but if ,i had known before1 ,i am sure my own heart would have rebelled against my husband taking another wife4 ,i did1 however1 ask him to marry her1 and after she was dead ,i was married to him for her40 8,that's all very well1 ,sister ,stenhouse10 she replied1 8but for all that ,i think you have committed a great wrong against that poor orphan girl4 ,you ought to be thankful that at last you were able to repair a little of the mischief which you did4 ,i don't want to vex you1 but ,i am really sorry that you had such an antipathy to your husband having ,carrie4 ,however1 ,i suppose1 now he has really got another wife1 you are not so much set against ,polygamy4 ,you must find it quite a blessing to have ,miss ,pratt--,i beg pardon1 ,i mean ,mrs4 ,stenhouse number two--with you now40 ,i did not answer her1 for ,i had my own opinion about the matter4 ,she went on without hesitation3 8,well1 you must not be vexed with me1 dear2 ,i say it all for your good1 you know2 but ,i do wish you felt a little more as ,i do about these matters4 ,why1 do you know1 ,i have been trying to show my faith and zeal in every possible way ever since we came to ,utah4 ,it was only last week ,i was baptized for ,queen ,anne40 8,queen ,anne60 ,i exclaimed4 8,what can you possibly mean80 8,exactly what ,i say1 ,sister ,stenhouse2 ,i was baptized for ,queen ,anne1 and if you like ,i'll tell you all about it4 ,it is only just what every one else has been doing1 only they were baptized for other people4 ,i don't think you've ever thought much of this1 and so ,i'll explain myself4 ,you see1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 the ,elders teach us that the whole world is lying in darkness and sin1 and has been so ever since the apostolic gifts were lost ages ago4 ,now there is no salvation outside the ,church1 and you may remember that ,christ ,himself went and preached to the miserable souls in ,paradise40 8,in ,paradise80 ,i said1 8why ,i thought that was a happy place40 8,oh1 no1 ,sister ,stenhouse10 she said1 8not very happy4 ,the souls of those who have not heard the gospel1 and have not been baptized1 go there1 and it's a sort of prison for them until they are brought out again through the kindness of some believer4 ,the thief on the cross went there1 and ,christ went there and preached to the spirits in prison2 and when the ,elders die1 they go on mission to ,paradise and preach to them also4 ,all your people and my people1 our fathers1 and mothers1 and grandfathers1 and so on1 right up to the apostolic times1 are waiting in ,paradise with millions and millions of souls to be released and be admitted into the ,celestial ,kingdom4 ,all the good brethren and sisters have been doing their best to get out their relations and friends1 and ,i know many of them who have sent over to ,england and have spent large sums of money in tracing their pedigrees and genealogies1 in order to find out the right names and to be baptized as proxies for the dead who owned those names4 ,i have been baptized for a good many of my own relations1 and ,i mean to be baptized for scores more2 and many of the brethren1 too1 have been married as proxies for their own friends1 and for distinguished people besides1 so that they might be admitted into the ,celestial ,kingdom1 and raise up patriarchal families of their own4 ,the poor souls1 if they were released from ,paradise by a proxy baptism1 could not1 of course1 have been married in heaven1 as there is no giving in marriage there2 so some one was married for them as proxy to some one else1 and now they can begin to establish their own celestial kingdoms40 8,and have you been proxy in this way1 ,sister ,ann80 ,i asked4 8,no1 and yes10 she replied2 8,i haven't yet been proxy in marriage for any one1 but ,i was proxy in baptism4 ,when we were children1 ,i remember we used to have some rhymes about ,queen ,anne1 and1 as it was my own name1 ,i always thought a great deal of her4 ,it seemed to me that it would be very nice1 and at the same time very charitable1 if ,i were to help her out of ,paradise4 ,it quite struck my fancy1 for it was no small thing to have a real queen thankful to you for so much4 ,so ,i went and was baptized for her1 and now she is out of ,paradise and has entered the ,celestial ,kingdom4 ,but that isn't all4 ,there was my old friend1 ,george ,wilford1 who heard all about the matter1 for ,i see him frequently1 and he at once said that he would be baptized for ,prince ,george of ,denmark1 ,queen ,anne's husband1 and he means to do so2 and after that we'll be married by proxy for them here on earth1 and then they'll both be happy40 8,why1 ,sister ,ann1 what a droll idea60 ,i said4 8,sister ,stenhouse10 she replied1 quite seriously1 8it's very wrong of you to talk so4 ,some of the best ,saints have stood proxy in this way4 ,there was one lady who stood proxy for the ,empress ,josephine1 and her son stood for ,napoleon1 and some one else for ,washington4 ,queen ,elizabeth1 too1 has been baptized by proxy4 ,and now ,napoleon and ,washington are both ,mormon ,elders1 and ,i suppose some one will be married for ,queen ,elizabeth1 and she'll enter into ,polygamy4 ,do you know1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 there was one brother who1 out of pure kindness1 said he would be baptized for the thief on the cross1 for he supposed that no one else would take pity on him1 and a sister who was present said she would be baptized for his wife1 if ,brother ,brigham thought he ever had one4 ,i've been persuading my ,henry to be baptized for ,henry the ,eighth1 for ,i'm sure he needed baptism for the remission of sins2 and he--,i mean my ,henry--has promised me to do so2 but he says that he means to ask ,brother ,brigham first before he is married for him--if ever he is--as ,king ,henry was almost a polygamist in his way1 and my husband thinks there is not much need to be married for him at all40 8,i can't help being amused10 ,i said4 8,of course ,i have often heard of being baptized for the dead1 and ,i know the ,elders say that ,st4 ,paul spoke of it in one of his epistles1 but ,i never thought of it in that light2 ,i always thought we should have to wait till the ,temple was finished40 8,that's true1 ,sister ,stenhouse10 she replied2 8all the marriages of all the ,saints--of every one1 in fact1 on the face of the earth--ought to be solemnized in the ,temple here in ,salt ,lake ,city1 and every one ought to receive their ,endowments in it2 but as it is not yet finished1 the ,lord permits us to be married1 and everything else1 in the ,endowment ,house4 ,but you know yourself that there's a record kept1 and that1 when the ,temple is finished1 the ceremony will be all gone through with again4 ,i've heard it said that many of the ,elders and their wives will live there1 and that day and night perpetually the ceremonies will be going on4 ,you ought to be baptized1 however1 now for as many relations as you can think of40 8,i think ,i shall wait1 ,sister ,ann10 ,i said1 8until ,i can find a ,queen ,fanny1 and then ,i'll be baptized for her40 ,she did not like me saying this1 for she evidently thought ,i was jesting4 ,i was not jesting1 however1 but ,i felt greatly amused1 for this peculiar doctrine of the ,saints had never struck me in such an odd light before4 ,sister ,ann was shocked at the way in which ,i viewed her strange stories1 but 8,i'll come again in the course of a day or two1 ,sister ,stenhouse10 she said1 8and put you all straight40 ,,chapter ,,xxxiv4 ,,my ,,daughter ,,becomes ,,the ,,fourth ,,wife ,,of ,,brigham ,,young',s ,,son--,,the ,,second ,,endowments4 ,after ,i had consented1 and in reality had given my husband a second wife1 my status in ,mormon polygamic society was very considerably improved4 ,first wives who lived in1 and firmly believed1 this 8,order of ,celestial ,marriage10 tried in every way to make me feel that ,i was one with them2 and those who had not much faith felt more kindly towards me1 because ,i had been caught in the same snare with themselves4 ,every polygamic wife1 whether first1 second1 third1 or tenth1 no matter how much or how little she may believe in 8,celestial ,marriage0--no matter how refined or how coarse and degraded her nature may chance to be--must feel that her position is inferior to that of a monogamic wife4 ,on this account1 many of the ,mormon women are never satisfied until they have drawn every woman of their acquaintance down to their own level4 ,the influence of this supposed 8,revelation0 is by no means elevating or refining4 ,i was now upon an equal footing with other first wives4 ,they had1 therefore1 no hesitation in confiding to me their griefs2 and1 situated as ,i was1 ,i had abundant opportunities of hearing stories of cruelty1 wrong1 and suffering1 under the 8,celestial0 system--many of them so utterly revolting that ,i would not dream of relating them again4 ,polygamy among the ,mormons is so full of disgusting and disgraceful details1 that a modest woman would not dare to relate all she knew4 ,in this book ,i have endeavoured to be true to my title and to 8tell all10 as far as such a thing is possible4 ,but there are thousands of horrible incidents1 which form part and parcel of the system of ,polygamy1 but which no woman who had any respect for herself would think of putting upon paper4 ,previous to the time when my husband took his second wife1 although ,i had learned too much1 ,i had to a certain extent been kept in the dark respecting some of the vile and loathsome practices of ,polygamy2 but after that1 by slow degrees1 ,i was thoroughly initiated into the system4 ,visitors to ,utah would perhaps notice in the faces of the ,mormon wives a dull1 careworn1 weary expression1 altogether the reverse of that contented look which is seen among 8,gentile0 women4 ,but those very women would never disclose to the stranger the depth of that sorrow which is wearing away their lives4 ,some few1 indeed1 have been led to speak of their troubles2 but they have afterwards found that the very persons in whom they confided most distorted and exaggerated every word that they had uttered1 for the sake of making a good story for the press4 ,in many cases the names of those who were thoughtless enough to expose their sorrows1 together with little personal matters which should never have been made public1 were put into print2 and when the matter came before the ,church authorities1 as in course of time it was certain to do1 there was a great deal of trouble and unpleasantness4 ,women1 consequently1 as a rule1 tell nothing2 and book-makers and people connected with the press1 while they give to the world astonishing stories of what they have heard1 know really nothing of the truth4 ,when a smart man1 or a man connected with the press1 comes to ,utah1 the ,church authorities take him in hand at once4 ,he is carried here and there1 and treated with the utmost deference2 a pair of ,mormon spectacles is placed by ,brigham1 or one of his numerous factotums1 upon the visitor's eyes1 and through them he looks at all that transpires4 ,then comes a glowing account in the papers1 or else apocryphal stories appear in the visitor's last new book2 and unsophisticated people1 who innocently suppose that all that is in print must be true1 begin to think that the stories of the evil-doing of the ,prophet1 which from time to time have crept out1 were only scandalous reports1 and that ,brigham ,young--like somebody else who shall be nameless6--was1 after all1 not quite so black as he has been painted4 ,a gentleman1 who had for five years resided in ,salt ,lake ,city1 said to me a few months ago3 8,mrs4 ,stenhouse1 when ,i had been here about three weeks1 ,i thought that ,i knew enough of ,mormonism to write a book2 when ,i had been here three months1 ,i began to think that ,i did not know quite as much2 and now1 after five years1 ,i have come to the conclusion that ,i really know nothing at all4 ,i have lived in a ,mormon family for the past year1 but that has not increased my knowledge4 ,they are constantly upon their guard4 ,they treat me kindly1 but they never let me know anything40 ,this1 ,i believe1 has been the experience of nearly all the ,gentiles resident in ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,gentlemen had no chance of learning anything1 and the opportunities of ladies were only a trifle better4 ,up to this time ,i had said very little to my children about my doubts and fears4 ,with the exception of my daughter ,clara1 they were all too young4 ,clara was just budding into womanhood1 and day by day gave promise of more beauty and interest in her future life4 ,i dreaded to cast a cloud across her way by telling her of my own apprehensions in respect to ,polygamy4 ,if that were the 8,order0 of 8,heaven10 she would certainly have to live in it2 and in any case it was the 8order0 of ,brigham ,young1 and my child could not escape from it4 ,we had lived together in ,polygamy about a year1 when my husband told me that his young wife desired to have a home of her own1 and that he intended to provide her with one4 ,this was very pleasant intelligence to me2 for the sight of that other wife constantly before my eyes1 sitting at my table1 in the midst of my family1 walking in the garden with my husband in the evening1 or tte--tte with him in the parlour1 was more than ,i could bear4 ,i began to feel1 whether justly or not1 that my presence was a restraint to them1 and that they felt annoyed when ,i was with them4 ,this feeling was so strong with me that ,i constantly avoided them1 and ,i finally concluded to spend the evenings in my own room with my children1 for1 being out of their presence1 ,i should perhaps be at peace4 ,this1 however1 was all changed when my husband established a second home4 ,i did not mind being deprived of his society so long as ,i could get rid of her3 her presence was painful to me1 and when she was near me ,i hardly felt able to breathe4 ,just at that time the marriage of my daughter ,clara first began to be talked about seriously4 ,one day my husband being out driving with ,joseph ,a4 ,young1 the eldest son of the ,prophet1 the subject was discussed between them1 and ,joseph ,a4 made a proposition of marriage4 ,this1 to me1 was the cause of considerable uneasiness1 as ,joseph ,a4 was a ,polygamist1 and at first ,i altogether refused to listen to the suggestion4 ,at that time ,clara was not fifteen years of age1 and not only did ,i consider her altogether too young to think of marriage1 but ,i was shocked at the bare idea of her becoming a polygamic wife4 ,i almost hated ,joseph for asking for her4 ,personally ,i had no objection to ,clara's lover4 ,i had known him for several years4 ,he was an intelligent1 generous-hearted1 and handsome man1 of very good standing among the ,saints1 and wealthy4 ,as a friend1 ,i valued and esteemed him2 but that he1 a polygamist1 should wish to marry my darling daughter1 was very repugnant to my feelings4 ,clara was then growing old enough to understand my more serious thoughts and sentiments1 and her companionship was very precious to me4 ,the thought of her marrying into ,polygamy was to my mind almost as painful as the thought of her death would have been4 ,my husband agreed with me that she was too young to marry2 but on that point he could not offer any great objection1 as his own wife1 although very womanly in appearance1 was but very little older in years4 ,i told ,joseph ,a4 of my reluctance to the proposed marriage1 and he fully entered into my feelings4 ,i could not absolutely refuse him1 but ,i wished to gain time4 ,every day found me more and more weak in the faith1 and ,i thought that1 if ,i could only postpone my ,clara's marriage for a few years1 something might transpire which would relieve me of my difficulty4 ,joseph promised to wait just as long as we thought proper1 if only we would allow him to speak to ,clara and explain to her the sentiments with which he regarded her4 ,in this he acted in a way very unlike the ,mormon men generally1 and ,i respected him accordingly4 ,i promised him that ,i would not influence my daughter1 but would let her decide for herself4 ,this1 after much careful consideration1 ,i came to the conclusion was all that ,i could do4 ,my mind at that time was in a very troubled state4 ,day by day my doubts respecting the plural wife system became stronger and stronger1 and ,i felt that before very long some great change must take place1 both in my fate and in my life4 ,at the same time1 outward circumstances gave no promise of any such change4 ,my husband gave no signs of apostasy1 and1 as a ,saint1 ,i knew he would never think of undertaking anything without the permission of ,brother ,brigham4 ,we did not even dare to leave the city without consulting the ,prophet4 ,in times1 then very recent1 it was at the risk1 and sometimes1 indeed1 at the sacrifice of life1 that any one left ,salt ,lake ,valley without permission2 and even at the present moment no good ,saint who values his standing in the ,church would dream of going ,east without first obtaining the approval of ,brigham ,young4 ,i could not1 therefore1 at the time of which ,i write1 foresee the great changes which have since taken place4 ,to refuse my daughter to the ,prophet's son would1 ,i knew1 be utterly useless4 ,by partial submission ,i might gain some advantages2 and the longer ,i postponed the marriage1 the greater chance there was that 8something0 might turn up1 which we all more or less look for when we are placed in circumstances which admit of the exercise of very little choice or effort4 ,my only objection against ,joseph ,a4 was1 as ,i just stated1 that he was a polygamist2 but so long as we remained in the ,church ,i could not openly allege this in opposition to the proposed marriage4 ,if my ,clara married a single man1 there was every chance1 if not an absolute certainty1 that after a while he would take another wife1 or wives4 ,this had been the case with other girls with whom my child was acquainted4 ,they had married single men1 trusting that their influence over them would be sufficient to retain their affections ever to themselves alone2 but they had soon reason to see how groundless their expectations and hopes had been4 ,if1 on the other hand1 ,i gave my daughter to a polygamist1 there was certainly no reason why ,joseph ,a4 should be refused4 ,i felt surrounded on every side by difficulties1 and out of them all ,i endeavoured to choose the least4 ,one day my husband told me that ,brigham ,young had seriously spoken to him about the matter1 and had 8counselled0 him to let the marriage take place at once1 saying that my ,clara was quite old enough4 ,after this1 objection on my part would have been utterly unavailing4 ,everything was settled at the fiat of ,brigham2 and the feelings and judgment of a father and mother in respect of their own daughter were1 of course1 of not the slightest consequence4 ,the wedding-day was therefore fixed1 when the sweet flower of my own quiet garden was to be transplanted to another home4 ,we went to the ,endowment ,house--my husband1 myself1 and our daughter1 together with some friends of the family4 ,there we met with ,joseph ,a4 ,young1 the expectant bridegroom2 his father1 ,brigham ,young2 ,joseph ,a4's first wife1 ,mary ,young2 and several of the brethren4 ,the bride and bridegroom1 and the bridegroom's first wife1 were all dressed in their ,temple robes4 ,we then entered a small room where the altar1 of which ,i have already spoken1 is placed4 ,at the end of the altar1 ,brigham was seated in a large armchair covered with crimson velvet4 ,the altar was also crimson4 ,brigham officiated4 ,joseph ,a4's first wife1 ,mary ,young1 knelt in front of the long crimson altar2 and my daughter ,clara knelt beside her on a sort of faldstool or ledge1 arranged for that purpose4 ,behind the altar knelt ,joseph ,a4 ,brigham said3 8,joseph1 are you willing to take ,clara ,stenhouse to be your lawful and wedded wife for time and for all eternity80 ,joseph answered1 8,yes40 ,then ,joseph's first wife was told to place the right hand of my daughter in the right hand of her husband1 in token that she was willing2 and then ,clara was questioned1 as ,joseph had been4 ,when she replied in the affirmative1 ,brigham said1 8,i pronounce you man and wife in the name of the ,lord4 ,amen40 ,they were now married2 and ,brigham ,young1 ,joseph ,a4's first wife1 and a few other friends1 came home to the wedding breakfast1 after which my daughter went to her own pleasant home4 ,thus my worst fears were realized4 ,my own daughter had become a polygamic wife2 she was the fourth wife of her husband1 ,joseph ,a4 ,young4 ,it is a source of sorrow to any mother who really loves her children to lose them1 even if it be for their own good and happiness2 but in my own case there were reasons why ,i felt the loss of my daughter more than ,i should have done under ordinary circumstances4 ,i felt quite desolate without her2 for when left all alone1 when my husband took his second wife1 and when ,i had no one else to turn to1 my little daughter had entwined herself about my heart in a thousand sweet and loving ways4 ,she knew how great an influence music had over me1 and how much ,i loved to hear her play and sing2 and when she saw how sad my heart was1 or caught me in tears1 she would go to her piano1 and lure me to her side by some sweet song which she knew was dear to my memory4 ,but with her went all that love and gentleness which in my time of deepest trouble sustained me and kept me from absolute despair4 ,i have often wondered whether ,joseph ever realized how great1 how dear a gift1 ,i bestowed upon him when ,i gave him my little ,clara4 ,but in saying this ,i do not mean to cast the shadow of a doubt upon his true-heartedness and love towards her4 ,he was always kind and thoughtful1 considering her comfort in everything2 and although they have now been married seven years1 he has never changed1 but is the same to her as on the first day of their marriage4 ,a good1 kind1 and gentle husband he has ever been1 anticipating her every wish1 tenderly and carefully guarding her from even a painful thought4 ,my only regret has been that he is a polygamist1 and she a polygamic wife4 ,not long after this1 my husband one day told me that a select few had been chosen to receive their ,second ,endowments1 and that we were to be honoured with the same privilege4 ,this ,i was told was one of the highest honours that could be conferred upon us1 as the ,second ,endowments had never been given to any one since the ,mormons left ,nauvoo4 ,the glory of this privilege ,i did not myself1 however1 feel2 and1 notwithstanding any respect which might be intended by our names being added to the list of chosen ones1 ,i refused to see the slightest good in the whole affair4 ,i am afraid ,i was naturally perverse--or was it that the light was now beginning to dawn more clearly upon my mind8 ,i know not4 ,but ,i raised every possible objection1 feeling1 though ,i did1 that all opposition on my part was useless4 ,i knew that ,i should have to go1 but ,i felt a dismal satisfaction in letting every one know how much ,i hated the system4 8,our0 second wife--,i say 8our10 because ,i had been taught that my husband and myself were indissolubly one1 even in the matter of taking wives--8our0 second wife seemed the happiest of us all when the day arrived1 and ,i believe she considered that we were very highly favoured4 ,after preparing our ,temple robes1 we started for the ,endowment ,house4 ,the reluctance which ,i felt caused me to lag behind1 and ,i was gently reminded several times that ,i was making myself very disagreeable4 ,i did not1 however1 feel much remorse1 for my husband had still one good1 obedient wife walking at his side1 who ,i knew would sympathize with him2 and that1 as every one is aware1 is more than falls to the lot of every man4 ,when we reached the ,endowment ,house1 we ladies were shown into one room and our husband into another4 ,we then proceeded to array ourselves in our robes1 caps1 and aprons--the same as when we received our first ,endowments--and when all was ready we were ushered into another room by one of the brethren1 who was also dressed in his ,temple robes4 ,there we met our husband and several other brethren1 all dressed in the same way4 ,we sat down1 and oil was then poured upon the head of our husband by two of the brethren--,daniel ,h4 ,wells and another--and he was then ordained a ,king and ,priest to all eternity4 ,after that1 we two wives were anointed in like manner1 and ordained ,queens and ,priestesses1 to reign and rule with our husband over his kingdom in the celestial world4 ,had ,i ever solaced myself with the notion1 which some ,mormon women entertain1 that first wives are queens over all the rest1 ,i should have been sadly disappointed when ,i heard 8our0 second wife ordained to the same high office as myself4 ,as it was1 however1 my faith was so small that ,i should have been quite contented had they consecrated her alone queen for ,eternity1 so long as they would have allowed me to rule and reign by myself in my own home for ,time4 ,the ceremony did not last long2 but it all appeared to me such folly that ,i was anxious to leave the place1 and1 though ,i dared not say so1 ,i was truly ashamed to be seen coming out of the ,house4 ,while going through these ,endowments ,i was filled with a thorough contempt for everybody and everything around me1 and ,i suppose that my feelings were visible upon my countenance2 for1 after leaving the ,house1 ,i remember the ,apostle ,john ,taylor asking me if ,i did not feel well1 and ,i told him as plainly as ,i dared what really was the matter4 ,he spoke to me very kindly1 and tried to reassure me2 but the scales were now falling from my eyes1 and all his arguments availed nothing4 ,notwithstanding all this1 ,i was not ready yet to cast off the yoke1 and a few months after our ,second ,endowments ,i again gave evidence of my faith4 ,an event occurred in the other branch of my husband's family which produced a strong impression upon my mind--a little daughter was presented to him by his second wife4 ,i was1 of course1 expected to go and visit the young mother and child1 and ,i thought ,i could never bring my mind to do that4 ,it would be impossible for me to define my feelings at that time--loathing and hatred for him and for her1 and even for the poor innocent babe1 on the one side2 and1 on the other1 thoughts of what ,i considered was my duty towards ,god1 my husband1 and his other lawful wife4 ,i was bewildered4 ,my heart said1 ,do not go2 but my conscience said1 ,it is your duty to treat her kindly1 for she believes she has done you no wrong4 ,then ,i thought1 ,she is a young mother1 and1 without you frowning upon her1 sorrow will come swiftly enough to her door4 ,i saw that my husband was troubled as to what my feelings might be1 although he had not had courage to tell me himself of the interesting event4 ,he was afraid of paining me1 and sent a lady friend with the intelligence4 ,i spoke to him myself1 and told him that ,i would go and see ,belinda and her child4 ,he thanked me1 and said1 8,god bless you for that40 ,then ,i went to see her2 but ,i was thankful when the visit was over2 and although ,i went again many times1 and tried my very best to treat her kindly and even affectionately1 ,i could never get over the painful feelings which agitated my mind when in her presence4 ,illustration3 ,,orson ,,pratt1 ,the ,mormon ,philosopher4 ,born in #ahaa4 ,,chapter ,,xxxv4 ,,realities ,,of ,,polygamic ,,life--,,orson ,,pratt3 ,,the ,,story ,,of ,,his ,,young ,,english ,,wife4 ,the position of the plural wives--second1 third1 fourth1 or twentieth1 it matters not--is but a mockery1 after all2 and in many respects they are more to be pitied than the first wives4 ,the first wives have known1 if only for a little while1 a husband's love and care2 but that has never been felt by the second wives4 ,they are1 in fact1 in many respects little better than slaves2 and if they are sensitive girls1 their position must be extremely painful1 for they must realize at all times that they are receiving the attentions of another woman's husband2 and in many instances they are even afraid to be seen speaking to their husband for fear of bringing down the wrath of the first wife upon their heads4 ,others1 who are not so sensitive1 assert their own rights and are defiant4 ,i am well acquainted with a pretty young ,welsh girl who was a second wife4 ,her husband had converted her to ,mormonism while he was on a mission to ,europe1 and when they reached ,salt ,lake he married her4 ,i saw her first two years after her marriage1 when one day she came to me in the greatest distress4 ,she asked me if ,i would give her some employment1 and1 greatly surprised at the request1 ,i asked her how she came to need anything to do1 as ,i knew her husband could well afford to support her4 8,i have left my husband10 she answered1 8for ,i could stand no longer the ill-treatment that ,i received4 ,i endured it until1 as you see1 my health is failing and ,i am broken-hearted4 ,the creature ,i married has no manhood in him4 ,he has allowed me to be treated like a slave1 and has himself half-starved me1 and has acted towards me with the greatest inhumanity4 ,when ,i married him10 she said1 8,i was willing to make myself useful in the family1 and ,i did so4 ,but one thing after another was given me to do1 until ,i became a regular drudge2 they would not have dared to treat a hired girl in the way they treated me4 ,i was put into a miserable little back room1 and was never allowed to see any of my friends2 ,i had to work early and late4 ,when at last my position would not admit of my working quite so much1 they punished me with all sorts of petty unkindnesses1 and nearly starved me1 giving me only a little flour or a few potatoes every day4 8,at last10 she continued1 8,i went to ,brother ,brigham to know what ,i should do4 ,he sent for my husband and talked to him a long time1 and he promised to do better if ,i would go back with him4 ,brother ,brigham counselled me to do so1 and try him again2 and ,i went4 ,soon after that1 my babe was born1 and then they treated me with worse unkindness40 8,who do you mean by they80 ,i asked4 8,i mean my husband and his wife10 she replied4 8,they did not seem to look upon me as a wife at all1 and even in the coldest mornings1 and immediately after my child was born1 they used to make me get up first and light fires and prepare breakfast and begin work generally1 and ,i was only too glad if ,i escaped with a little fault-finding4 ,i stood it as long as ,i could1 because ,brother ,brigham had counselled me to do so2 but now ,i have left them again1 and do not mean to return40 ,this was the story of one poor girl's troubles4 ,now the man1 ,elder ,jos4 ,bull1 who did this is a good ,mormon1 in good standing in the ,church to-day4 ,he is employed by the authorities1 and his poor young wife is now working for the ,gentiles--a much happier woman1 if her face speaks truly1 since her separation1 although she has to support herself and child4 ,she1 like hundreds of other young girls1 came to ,utah without friend or relative1 and this is how a good brother 8took care0 of her4 ,but ,i must be permitted to relate a still more painful story--the story of a poor innocent girl allured from her happy home in ,england by one of the most distinguished of the ,mormon ,apostles2 brought over by him to ,utah as his wife1 and there suffered to die in misery and neglect4 ,the ,apostle ,orson ,pratt1 who is called among the ,saints 8,the ,champion of ,polygamy0--a man who has devoted his life to ,mormonism1 and whose writings have done more than the labours of all the other ,apostles to win converts to ,polygamy2 a man who on more than one occasion has boldly stood up against many of the absurdities and blasphemies of ,brigham ,young2 a man upon whom1 on account of his independence1 ,brigham has frowned1 and who has consequently never attained to the wealth of his more obsequious brethren2 a man who in all the ordinary affairs of life would command the respect of every one around him4 ,this was the man who perpetrated the atrocious villainy which ,i am about to relate2 and much against my own personal inclinations ,i feel compelled to tell the story1 as it shows how shockingly this debasing system can pervert an otherwise upright mind4 ,orson ,pratt married the young girl of whom ,i speak in ,liverpool1 by special dispensation from ,brigham ,young2 and her parents--themselves devout ,mormons--thought that their daughter was highly honoured in becoming the wife of an ,apostle4 ,she was very pretty and attractive1 and for a time he paid great attention to her1 and brought her over to ,utah as his bride4 ,arrived there1 he utterly neglected her1 and she experienced all the horrors of polygamic life4 ,the ,apostle was living in ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,he had left his young wife and her children in ,tooele--a place about forty miles distant4 ,there they lived in a wretched little log-cabin1 the young mother supporting her little ones as best she could4 ,when her last child was born1 she was suffering all the miseries of poverty1 dependent entirely upon the charity of her neighbours4 ,at the time when most she needed the gentle sympathy of her husband's love1 that husband never came to see her4 ,one morning there was literally nothing in the house for herself and her children1 who1 knowing nothing of their mother's sufferings1 cried to her for bread4 ,the poor mother quieted them with a promise that they should soon have something to eat1 and then she went and begged a few potatoes from a neighbour2 and upon these they subsisted for three days4 ,she then took her children with her1 for they were too young to be left alone--her babe was only three weeks old--and she went round to see if she could get work of any kind to do4 ,in this she was not successful2 and at length1 worn out by continual anxiety and privation1 and heart-broken by the neglect which she had experienced1 she sank beneath a fever which promised very soon to prove fatal4 ,for some time the neighbours nursed her2 but they1 of course1 had their own families to attend to1 and could not give her quite all their time1 and thus occasionally she was left alone4 ,one evening1 when such was the case1 she got up in a state of delirium1 and barefooted1 and almost destitute of clothing1 took her children1 and wandered forth with them into the snow4 ,the good people of ,tooele went out over the prairie1 anxious to find and bring back the poor maniac1 but for a long time their search was in vain4 ,at last1 not knowing whither she went1 she wandered to the house of ,brother ,eli ,b4 ,kelsey--a 8vile apostate0 as ,brigham ,young would call him2 but known to every one else1 ,saint1 ,apostate1 or ,gentile1 as one of the best and kindest-hearted men that ever lived4 ,in ,brother ,kelsey's house she and her little ones were kindly received by him and his good wife1 and their wants attended to4 ,they were clothed and fed1 and were then carried back to the log-cabin which they called their home4 ,next day the ,mormon ,bishop of ,tooele assembled the people1 and money was collected and sent to ,salt ,lake ,city1 to ,orson ,pratt1 begging him to come immediately1 if he wished to see his wife alive4 ,but the ,apostle did not come4 ,at that time he was actually engaged in taking another bride1 and he wanted to hear nothing of his dying wife4 ,then the good ,bishop sent a young man1 who rode all night1 to compel him immediately to take the coach for ,tooele--the young man paying his fare1 so that he might have no excuse4 ,then1 at last1 he came4 ,arrived at the little town where his poor wife lay dying1 ,orson conducted himself like the philosopher he professes to be4 ,before him stood the hovel1 within which were his deserted little ones--wailing1 as if sensible of the great loss of a mother's care which they would soon have to sustain--and there1 on her dying bed1 was that poor wife and mother1 tossing in wild delirium4 ,but he1 the cause of all that woe1 passed by that wretched hovel and its death-scene to the comfortable home of a well-to-do brother1 at whose house he first obtained his supper1 and then1 calmly returning1 entered the place where his wife was lying1 and for a moment surveyed the scene4 ,then he quietly remarked to one of the sisters present3 8,she has a good deal of fever40 ,another sister1 who stood by1 impulsively exclaimed1 8,good ,god6 ,brother ,pratt1 this is more than fever2 she is dying40 8,oh dear no1 sister10 he calmly replied2 8she will recover40 ,it was evident1 however1 to all but ,orson that his wife was dying1 and that no earthly power could save her4 ,illustration3 ,,despair4 ,to face p4 #cbf4 ,the next day she was still raving1 and it was told me that in her wild frenzy she even attempted to strangle her babe4 ,orson essayed to hold her1 but she caught his gold chain and snapped it in two4 ,his touch and the sight of the chain recalled her for a moment to her senses1 and she said reproachfully1 8,you are puffed up with pride1 ,orson1 with your gold chain and rings1 while you leave me and my babes to starve4 ,poor little lambs6 where are they80 ,for a moment the yearning of a mother's heart for her children conquered the fever that tortured her mind1 and she listened to her husband's attempted words of comfort1 as he said1 8,i am with you now1 ,eliza1 and ,i will take care of you40 ,steadily1 for a moment1 she looked up into his face1 and1 with tears in her eyes1 said mournfully3 8,it is too late1 ,orson--it is too late60 ,these were the last sane words which she uttered in this life1 although she still lingered on insensible4 ,the next morning the ,apostle ,pratt resolved to leave for ,salt ,lake ,city and his young bride4 ,the ,bishop1 however1 called a council and summoned him to remain until his wife was dead4 ,nevertheless he did not wish to stay1 and1 being an ,apostle1 he overruled the council4 ,at the last moment before his intended departure1 one of the sisters said3 8,brother ,pratt1 should she die1 what shall we do with her80 8,oh1 she won't die10 he replied4 8,but should she80 the sister urged4 8,then bury her with her children10 he answered4 ,after much solicitation1 he was prevailed upon to remain for a few hours1 and the next morning his wife died4 ,the language of her last moments1 as she raved and tossed in mad delirium1 showed how terrible had been her mental agony1 and how much she had suffered from this frightful system4 ,but one might easily fill a large volume with stories quite as cruel as this4 ,it is simply absurd to expect that it should be otherwise4 ,men and women can train and discipline their minds1 they can crush out the affections of their hearts if they will2 but no effort of man can change man's nature entirely1 or root out altogether humanity from the soul4 ,women may endure1 as that poor woman did whose story ,i have just related1 but they never can get perfectly adapted to the system of 8,celestial ,marriage40 ,the nearer they approach to its requirements1 the further they recede from all that is held good and noble in womanhood2 and as for the men1 they are brutalized by every effort which they make to conform to it4 ,during the summer1 about three years ago1 a young-looking woman1 very shabbily dressed1 came frequently to my house with heavy baskets of fruit1 which she entreated me to buy4 ,one day she said3 8,you do not remember me1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 ,i think1 and ,i do not wonder1 for ,i am so changed4 ,i have to work very hard now1 for all ,i have to live upon is what ,i can make by selling fruit1 or any little work that ,i can get my neighbours to give me to do2 and if my husband could prevent even that1 ,i believe he would4 ,i am obliged to gather my fruit at night and hide it from him1 and that is why ,i urged you so to buy1 for ,i never know when ,i may meet him40 ,i was very much surprised at this1 as her husband1 ,i knew1 was getting a good salary1 and appeared to be a most gentlemanly man4 ,his first wife1 ,i was aware1 had left him1 it was said1 on account of cruelty and neglect1 and he had married this one just after her arrival from ,england4 ,i had every reason to believe that she had been a good wife to him1 and a mother to his motherless children2 but he had taken another wife since he married her1 and had cruelly neglected this poor woman1 leaving her his first wife's children to take care of4 ,she said that he was again paying his addresses to another still1 and she expected that he would soon marry her4 ,and yet this woman his second wife told me that all he had left for her and the children to live on was a sack of bran and about fifty pounds of corn meal4 ,everything else had been taken to the third wife1 even to the best articles of furniture4 ,she said3 8,one evening ,i had been sitting in the porch in my rocking-chair1 when he came in and remained about an hour4 ,as soon as he left1 ,i went out to bring in the chair1 and was just in time to see him carrying it off4 ,i knew where he was going with it40 ,i saw this poor woman frequently1 and bought her fruit often when ,i did not need it1 for it grieved me to see her carrying such heavy loads in her then delicate situation4 ,after a time ,i lost sight of her1 and then ,i heard that she was dead4 ,one day her own daughter--for she was a widow when she married this man--came to me before leaving the city4 8,i am going away to some friends10 she said1 8for ,i will never live near that man2 he killed my mother2 he kicked her so severely that she never recovered1 and when her child was born1 they both died from the effects of the blows which she had received--and ,i hate him40 ,the first wife of 8,brig40 ,hampton1 one of the ,mormon authorities1 told me how her husband whipped her because she would not consent to his stripping their home of everything that was either useful or handsome in order to furnish a house for his second wife4 ,finally1 he shut her up while he took her entire parlour furniture away4 ,she was a fragile little woman1 and perfectly helpless when in the power of a strong man1 and therefore was forced to submit1 as there was no appeal to law in ,utah4 ,it is a very difficult thing for a woman1 after listening1 day after day1 to such tales of woe and misery1 and knowing them to be true1 to retain any respect for a polygamist1 whoever he may be4 ,for my own part ,i regard them all with such feelings of loathing that ,i can hardly speak civilly of them1 and would prefer never to speak to them4 ,i know scores of ladies--married ladies--,mormon ladies1 who in secret feel and speak just as ,i do upon this subject4 ,for many years past the ,american ,elders have derived a rich harvest from ,britain and ,scandinavia4 ,after the introduction of ,polygamy1 an ,elder was seldom known to return from ,mission without bringing with him one1 two1 and sometimes three young girls1 or else arranging in some way for their emigration4 ,the ,missionaries1 however1 preferred1 whenever it was possible1 to bring the girls with them2 for if they trusted them to the care of a brother returning before or after1 he very frequently turned traitor1 and carried off the prize himself4 ,the ,elders were not permitted to marry these extra wives while on or returning from a mission1 unless they had special permission from ,brigham ,young4 ,but quite a number of the poor weak brethren were so impulsive and so anxious to be married1 that they could not wait for the ceremonies of the ,endowment ,house4 ,one conscientious ,swiss brother1 named ,loba1 who could find no one willing to take the responsibility of marrying him while crossing the ,plains1 said that as he was an ,elder he could just as well marry himself1 and be under no obligation to anybody2 and he did so4 ,he had fallen in love with a little miss--a mere child1 about one quarter of his own age4 ,many men have married wives1 and have brought them home1 before their first wives knew even that they were in love4 ,they had not had courage to introduce the subject1 but believed that when the wife found that it was done1 and could not be undone1 she would see the uselessness of feeling badly1 and would soon get over it4 ,but no wife who has been thus treated ever did 8get over it40 ,what can a man know of woman's nature who would dare to act thus towards her1 and think that she would become reconciled to such treatment8 ,what strange ideas the ,mormon men must have of woman's nature if they believe that women can submit to such treatment as this and still love them6 ,what folly to think even of love6 ,it would be very wrong for me to say that there are no men who try to be just in the practice of ,polygamy1 for ,i know many who try their very best to act impartially to all their wives2 but this is not really the result of their religion1 about which some of these men appear to care very little4 ,i feel sure that if they are good men1 notwithstanding the evil effects of ,mormonism upon them1 they would have been much better men without it4 ,on the other hand1 ,i have known men who1 before they became ,mormons1 were reputed good husbands and fathers1 but who afterwards became cold and harsh in their natures1 cruel to their wives1 and neglectful to their children4 ,it seemed as if they thought of nothing else but courting the girls and taking more wives1 altogether regardless as to whether they could support them or not4 ,some of the ,elders1 finding that they might not marry plural wives before they reached ,utah1 have bound the girls by solemn vows and covenants to marry them when they arrived in ,salt ,lake ,valley2 and the poor girls1 believing that1 because these men were ,missionaries1 all they said and did must be right1 have often--in fact1 in almost every instance--to their own great injury1 kept their 8covenants0 and married the men to whom they were vowed4 ,i have known personally and intimately several women who have in this way ruined their prospects and blighted the hopes of their whole lives1 and sadder stories than theirs could not be told4 ,my husband had again left ,salt ,lake ,city1 and had gone to 8the ,states10 as we then called 8going ,east20 for it was such a long journey that we felt ourselves altogether out of the pale of civilization4 ,i felt1 therefore1 comparatively free2 for ,i could now1 whenever ,i desired to do so1 walk out1 or visit a friend1 without the constant dread of meeting him and his wife4 ,it always humiliated me to see them together1 although ,i believed that it was perfectly right that my husband should show attentions to his other wife4 ,it was not now jealousy that ,i felt--the day of jealous feeling was long past4 ,i felt disgusted1 and ,i was humbled at the sight of them4 ,at one time1 for nearly six months1 ,i remained at home1 never going further than my own garden1 simply for the reason that ,i feared to meet her in the presence of any of my friends--particularly any of my ,gentile friends2 or worse still1 with him4 ,,chapter ,,xxxvi4 8,,our0 ,,husband',s ,,fianc,e--,a ,,second ,,wife',s ,,sorrows--,,steps ,,towards ,,apostasy4 ,at one time ,i had almost begun to think that my husband had seen enough of the discomforts and heartlessness of polygamic life1 and that his eyes were looking back wishfully to the time when1 as the old ,scotch ballad says3 8,one loving heart was all his own1 ,but there as king he reign'd supreme40 ,my faith in my own acuteness and perception was1 however1 very considerably shaken when one day he told me that he thought it was about time for him to think of taking another wife4 ,i suppose he expected that ,i should express some astonishment or offer objections1 for he proceeded to give me excellent reasons for what he was about to do4 ,his greatly improved circumstances2 his desire to sustain his brethren2 and1 above all1 the necessity that he should 8build up a kingdom60 ,there was no gainsaying all this4 ,the ,lord had certainly very greatly blessed him in basket and in store2 it was1 moreover1 praiseworthy in him to wish to sustain his brethren2 and nobody could deny that he ought to have a 8kingdom60 ,to crown all1 the young lady whom he proposed to honour this time could not possibly be objected to by any loyal ,saint1 for she was of the seed royal of the modern ,israel--a daughter of the high-priestly house of ,brigham ,young6 ,i suppose1 if ,i had been a right-minded woman1 ,i should have felt the great glory that there was in the proposed alliance4 ,but1 in point of fact1 such is the perversity of human nature1 ,i did not feel at all pleased1 although ,i could say nothing in objection4 ,i had had some slight suspicion that my husband's eyes1 to say nothing of his heart1 had lately been inclined to wander in a certain direction1 for he had become so particularly regular in his attendance at the theatre4 ,i mentioned the matter to him once or twice1 but he answered that as an editor it was a matter of necessity for him to attend1 and that he ought to be there always4 ,this ,i might1 perhaps1 have believed1 had it not been that it was now several years since his paper was first established1 and hitherto his personal attendance at every representation had not been considered absolutely indispensable4 ,reporters had been able to do all that was necessary4 ,his proposal to marry this young lady1 now it was openly stated1 shed light upon many things which had before appeared to me rather obscure4 ,her name was ,zina1 and she was the daughter of ,mrs4 ,zina ,d4 ,huntington ,jacobs1 whom ,i have already mentioned as one of the ,prophet's wives4 ,she was one of the actresses in the theatre--for many of ,brigham's daughters at that time took part in the representations--and ,i had frequently observed very pretty little notices of her in the ,salt ,lake ,daily ,telegraph4 ,i did not much care now how many wives my husband took--he might as well have twenty1 as the one too many which he already had--his marriage to another could not possibly make me feel any worse1 provided ,i was not compelled to associate with her4 ,i had resolved that ,i would never live on familiar terms with his other wives--not because ,i might disrespect or dislike them personally1 but because ,i could not overcome the purer and better teachings of my early life4 ,my husband in due form proposed1 and was accepted2 and it was soon rumoured abroad that he was going to many one of the 8,president's0 daughters--,brigham is always spoken of as 8,president0 ,young among the ,saints4 ,in the course of a day or two they were formally 8engaged10 and a more loving couple could not possibly have been found4 ,the young lady herself afterwards told me that their love was of no ordinary kind1 and ,i'm sure ,i did not doubt her word4 ,but consider how pleasant such intelligence must have been to a wife6 ,zina's friends1 who wished to cheer me up and make me happy1 told me that my husband's love for her was perfectly engrossing2 they 8thought he could never have really loved before0--8there was something very beautiful in their loves60 ,zina pitied us1 ,i know1 when she realized that we could never know the great depth of our husband's love for her4 ,she spoke and acted as if this were how she felt2 and ,i have no doubt that she intended1 after her marriage with our husband1 to treat us with great kindness and consideration1 as a sort of recompense for what we never had truly known1 and never could know now--our husband's love6 ,as is almost always the case when the husband takes a third wife1 a better state of feeling was brought about between my own husband's second wife and myself4 ,belinda no longer centred all her jealousy in me4 ,she now1 to a certain extent1 began to realize what ,i had suffered when my husband courted her2 she felt badly1 and ,i really did sympathize with her when ,i remembered how young she was1 and that she was the mother of three little children4 ,she had her moiety of a husband1 it is true2 but1 like all other polygamic wives1 that was her misfortune rather than her comfort and strength4 ,many a wife would be happier were she a widow2 in fact1 widows are the happiest class of women in ,utah1 for they realize that it is far better to have a dead sorrow than a living one4 ,now1 our husband always maintained that he was not in love with ,miss ,zina1 but that in making love to her he was acting entirely from principle4 ,so all the brethren say1 and ,i have never yet heard of any one of them ever confessing--except1 of course1 to the maiden herself--that he was in love4 ,to the maiden herself he says1 not only that1 but a great deal more4 ,but if our husband1 at the time of which ,i speak1 was not in love1 the saints forbid that ,i should ever see him in that condition6 ,i am sure when ,i heard his fiance speaking of their devotion to each other1 and of the fond attachment of her heart to him 7for she felt no delicacy in speaking to me--his wife--about such matters71 ,i came to the conclusion that ,i had never known what it was to really love1 and that my nature was too crude and unrefined to understand the mysteries of the tender passion4 ,there was no love in the case1 our husband told us--all pure duty6 ,long courtships had become quite fashionable among the brethren in ,salt ,lake ,city1 and ,i dreaded a long courtship more than anything else1 for there is so much that is humiliating1 and ,i might even say disgusting1 to a wife when her husband is engaged in love-making to another woman1 that ,i hoped1 as much as possible1 to be spared passing through such an ordeal a second time4 ,as the accepted lover and affianced husband of ,brother ,brigham's daughter1 our husband was1 of course1 constantly in attendance at the ,prophet's house4 ,but he was not the only good brother who spent his evenings in ,brigham ,young's parlour2 for it was then--and ,i suppose it is to-day--a regular rendezvous for middle-aged and young men1 and even boys2 and there the ,prophet's little girls1 as well as those who were grown or growing up1 obtained an excellent training in the art of flirting and courting4 ,it has always been said among the ,saints that ,brigham's girls1 and the daughters of ,daniel ,h4 ,wells1 were the boldest and least retiring maidens to be found in ,salt ,lake ,city1 and that they presumed greatly upon their imaginary high position2 which position nobody but themselves cared anything about4 ,it is well known that the very people upon whom they look down are those who rightly should receive their warmest gratitude and respect1 on account of the more than liberal support which they have given to their father1 even to the detriment of their own children4 ,when first ,i heard that my husband had set his affections upon one of these girls1 ,i felt convinced that he could not have made a very wise choice2 and ,i could not help dreading that the mere fact of my husband having selected a daughter of the ,prophet as his future wife would bring trouble upon us all4 ,what shape that trouble would take ,i could form no conjecture1 but ,i felt sure that a change of some sort was fast approaching4 ,my faith was almost gone2 ,i felt the degrading position in which the 8,celestial0 system placed me and my children1 and it seemed to me that ,i could no longer endure it4 ,my children ,i could not1 and would not leave1 but it was impossible for me to continue to live as ,i had been living2 nor would ,i think of bringing up my children any longer to believe and live a religion which had so cruelly blighted my own life4 ,it was for them that ,i feared now2 ,i felt that for their sake ,i must break away from this horrible system4 ,my own life1 ,i thought1 was not worth caring for1 but the idea of my little girls growing up and following in my footsteps and enduring as ,i had endured1 was more than ,i could bear4 ,something must be done to save them from such a fate4 ,about this time ,i procured a copy of the 8,revelation on ,celestial ,marriage10 and read it through carefully and calmly1 from beginning to end4 ,the reader may1 perhaps1 remember that when a copy of it was first given to me1 in ,switzerland1 years before1 ,i was so angry and indignant that when ,i had got only partly through it ,i cast it from me in disgust as an outrage upon all that was good and true4 ,from that time1 although ,i had heard portions of it quoted and read1 ,i had never perused it as a whole4 ,on two occasions1 at least1 my friend ,mary ,burton was very near reading it through with me1 and had we done so1 ,i have not the slightest doubt that my eyes would have been opened to the absurdity and wickedness of the whole system1 and years of wretchedness would have been spared me4 ,such1 however1 was not the case4 ,it was not until ,i had almost drained the cup of sorrow and degradation that1 at last1 ,i found an antidote in the deadly thing itself which had been the source of all my unhappiness4 ,i was acting upon the homopathic principle--8similia similibus curantur0--and using a dose of poison to cure a disease caused by that poison4 ,as ,i read1 ,i saw plainly1 from the wording of the document1 that if ever it was given to ,joseph ,smith--no matter by whom--it was given long after he had practised ,polygamy--or something as bad--and to sanction what he had already done4 ,i had read in the ,book of ,mormon3 8,david and ,solomon truly had many wives and concubines1 which thing was an abomination before me1 saith the ,lord4444 ,hearken to the ,word of the ,lord3 for there shall not any man among you have1 save it be one wife2 and concubines he shall have none40 ,book of ,mormon1 p4 #aah4 ,in the ,book of the ,covenants1 given through ,joseph ,smith1 and held sacred by every ,saint1 ,i had read3 8,thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart1 and cleave unto her and none else40 ,book of ,covenants1 p4 #abd4 ,and yet when ,i turned to the 8,revelation0 ,i found in the very first clause3 8,verily1 thus saith the ,lord unto my servant ,joseph1 that inasmuch as you have enquired at my hand1 to know and understand wherein ,i1 the ,lord1 ,,justified 6 my servants ,abraham1 ,isaac and ,jacob1 as also ,moses1 ,david and ,solomon1 my servants1 as touching the principle and doctrine of their having many wives and concubines10 c4 ,what could ,i possibly think of a 8,prophet0 who1 after having the law laid down so clearly1 and being told so distinctly that the doings of ,david and ,solomon were an 8abomination10 and that a man should have but one wife1 should enquire of the ,lord how ,he 8justified0 the very things which ,he had just declared were 8an abomination0 unto ,him8--,then1 too1 what blasphemy to represent ,god as one day giving a 8,revelation0 declaring a thing sinful1 and the next day 8justifying0 it6 ,i felt perfectly humiliated with myself that ,i had never before had the courage to look the matter calmly in the face and discover1 as ,i must have discovered1 had ,i only used my unaided reason1 the shameful imposture which had been palmed upon us4 ,i now made careful enquiry1 and it was soon clear to me that evidence was not wanting to prove that the doctrine of plural marriages originated in the licentious hearts of ,joseph ,smith and those associated with him4 ,when once ,i was convinced of that1 the whole fabric of my religion crumbled before my eyes2 and from that time ,i can hardly say that ,i had faith in anything that had been taught me4 ,my husband's second wife was also very unhappy now4 ,she1 too1 after the general rule1 had flattered herself that she was 8his first and only love10 and it was not pleasant to have her dream of happiness dispelled2 but now that another 8jewel0 was to be added to our husband's crown1 she could no longer deceive herself4 ,she little knew1 poor girl1 when she married1 that a ,mormon's heart is like a honeycomb--there is always a vacant cell wherein another may nestle4 ,real trouble1 too1 she had4 ,one of her children was taken very sick1 and after a very severe illness died4 ,i remained with her night and day1 and did what ,i could for the poor child4 ,had it been possible for me to have felt a greater loathing and detestation for that vile system of ,polygamy1 that feeling would have been conceived while ,i watched at the bedside of my husband's dying child4 ,it was there that ,i vowed that no polygamists should ever marry another daughter of mine1 and resolved that to my dying day my voice should be raised against the unholy and unnatural teachings of the ,mormon ,priesthood4 ,i looked at that lonely young mother1 who in her hour of trial ought to have had all her husband's sympathy1 all his attention1 to support her2 but who1 instead1 knew that1 however kind he might be to her1 he was contemplating a new marriage1 and his thoughts must of necessity be more or less with his purposed bride4 ,all unkind feeling was banished from my heart--,i forgot that she was my husband's wife1 and remembered only that1 like myself1 she was a suffering woman1 a victim to a false faith2 and ,i felt very deeply for her in her time of sorrow and bereavement4 ,my husband1 at this time1 had been a member of the ,mormon ,church for twenty-five years4 ,he had lectured1 preached1 written and published1 in ,great ,britain1 ,switzerland1 and the ,united ,states1 in support of the ,mormon faith4 ,he had been a most earnest and consistent member of the ,church1 and devotedly attached to ,brigham ,young4 ,this attachment to ,brother ,brigham he shared in common with all the staunchest of his brethren2 for while the members of the ,church retain unshaken confidence in the new revelation1 they naturally acquire a great regard for the ,prophet1 and render him unquestioning obedience4 ,i believe that my husband would willingly have laid down his life1 if by so doing he could have shielded ,brigham ,young from harm or have been of essential service to him4 ,but causes were now in operation which1 by-and-by1 detached him from the ,church1 and made it possible for me also to leave the ,mormon faith4 ,hitherto1 for my children's sake1 ,i dared not leave the ,church without my husband1 and ,i therefore anxiously watched for anything which might rescue him from the bondage in which he was held4 ,as proprietor of a daily paper1 his business had frequently called him to the ,eastern ,states for several months at a time1 and ,i observed that after those visits his editorials took a more liberal turn4 ,my ,mormon friends frequently said to me1 8,brother ,stenhouse is doing himself no good by his constant association with the ,gentiles20 and subsequently1 when he did apostatize1 our secession from the ,church was attributed to contaminating ,gentile influences4 ,then1 too1 we had frequent visits from strangers passing through ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,i saw1 with pleasure1 that this intercourse with the outside world was gradually undermining my husband's confidence in the teachings of the ,elders1 and it gave me courage to hope that1 after all1 the day of liberty might dawn at last4 ,feeling as ,i did thus1 it will not surprise the reader that ,i regarded with more and more distrust the proposed marriage of my husband to ,brother ,brigham's daughter2 for ,i felt that then he would be deeper than ever in the toils of the ,priesthood1 and ,i sometimes almost believed that it was my duty to use every influence in my power to prevent it4 ,putting my own feelings out of the question1 it is probable that ,i might have done this simply for his own good2 for ,i doubted not that some day the scales must fall from his eyes1 and then he would be thankful that ,i had prevented the marriage4 ,our paths by this time had certainly diverged far asunder1 and my husband had another wife and family2 but ,i believed that he was sincere1 though sadly mistaken1 or ,i should not have felt so kindly towards him as ,i did4 ,at other times1 and observing his devotion1 ,i almost myself began to think that perhaps the nonsense that ,i had heard was1 after all1 true1 and that this girl was the only one he had really loved2 and1 if so1 of course he ought to marry her4 ,in fact1 so divided was my attention that ,i hardly knew what to think2 ,i therefore resolved to act according to circumstances4 ,brigham ,young1 in one of his sermons1 says that 8the first thing manifested in the case of apostasy was the idea that the ,prophet was liable to make a mistake3 when a man believes that1 he has taken the first step towards apostasy2 he need only take one step more1 and he is out of the ,church40 ,this was spoken of ,joseph and his saints1 but it suits just as well ,brigham and his2 ,i knew very well that my husband had taken the first step1 and ,i sincerely hoped that he might soon take the second4 ,for my own part1 ,i had for some time not only believed that a ,prophet might be mistaken1 but1 as ,brother ,heber would say1 ,i knew it4 ,my husband and his bride elect1 like all other lovers1 had frequent little quarrels--,i suppose for the purpose of making up again1 and being then all the more ardent in their affection4 ,but they now had a disagreement which lasted longer than all that had gone before2 although ,i suppose that neither of them had1 at that time1 the slightest idea how it was going to end4 ,they had been courting for fifteen months at least1 and after so much devotion on the part of my husband1 and so much fervent affection on the part of the young lady1 it really did seem too bad that so large an amount of love should be thrown away4 ,it was hard that after such a long strain upon their religious and devotional feelings--for they were both very pious lovers--all their labour of love should come to nought4 ,things had certainly taken a twist1 for ,i knew well enough that at one time they both firmly believed that their marriage was pre-ordained in heaven1 and that they were as completely one in feeling as mortals ever could be4 ,the mother1 too1 who was a very pious woman1 once told my husband that she had had a vision in which it was revealed to her that they were destined for each other in the eternal worlds3--the lovers of course firmly believed her4 ,but1 for all that1 the estrangement still continued1 and my husband was constantly making it wider by the articles which appeared in his paper1 until at last certain of the sisters whispered that the heart of the lady had been attracted towards some brighter luminary4 ,long courtships often end disastrously2 but when ,i heard rumours of the lady's presumed faithlessness1 it seemed to me hardly fair1 for the day had been fixed for the marriage and the wedding-dress actually made4 ,of course ,i sympathized with my husband4 ,would any wife like to see her husband disappointed in his love-affairs with another woman1 ,i wonder8 ,while under these natural feelings of indignation1 ,i one day told ,brigham ,young that ,i thought1 after all the courting that had been done--and it was not a trifle--they certainly ought to be married4 ,he said he was willing enough himself1 if they wished it2 but girls1 he said1 often changed their minds1 and as they could but have one husband1 it was only fair that their wishes should be consulted4 8,if ,zina has really changed her mind10 he added1 8,i have plenty of other daughters1 and they have all got to be married2 let him take one of them--if one won't another will60 ,the reader will see the liberal ideas which ,brother ,brigham entertains on the subject of marriage4 ,it may1 perhaps1 seem rather strange that ,i should be anxious to have them marry2 but1 after all that ,i had seen and endured in ,polygamy1 can it be wondered at that ,i should no longer regard the father of my children as my own husband8 ,had ,i thought him a bad man1 or had he acted as ,i know many of the good brethren do act2 had he brought home girl after girl with the hope of alluring one or more of them into ,polygamy1 or had he been utterly reckless of my feelings1 ,i might perhaps have been able to cast him from my heart without a single regret4 ,but ,i really believed that he was acting consistently with the teachings of his religion1 and if ,i felt degraded by the life ,i lived1 it was not his fault--it was the fault of the system4 ,i therefore felt that if things came to the worst1 and if ,i were driven to extremities1 and forced to separate from him1 ,i should like to know that he had a wife whom he loved4 ,i felt certain that there was now but little love between him and his second wife1 and that some day a separation was sure to take place4 ,the idea of divorce was so repugnant to my feelings that it was only in moments when grief overpowered me1 and my heart was wrung with anguish1 and ,i felt utterly reckless1 that ,i for one moment thought of anything like it4 ,even then ,i only entertained the idea of a separate life--not divorce4 ,,chapter ,,xxxvii4 ,,some ,,curious ,,courtships--,,brigham ,,ruins ,,our ,,fortunes--,,belinda ,,divorces 8,,our0 ,,husband4 ,mormonism had been1 to my husband1 everything4 ,it had for years grown with his growth1 until it had become a part of himself4 ,doubts had occasionally crept into his mind1 it is true1 but it required time to effect a change4 ,the measures adopted by ,brigham ,young in the spring of #ahfi1 for the purpose of controlling the commerce of ,utah1 as well as the property and faith of the people1 caused great discontent4 ,the teachings of the ,tabernacle were wild and arrogant1 and ,brigham assumed that it was his right to dictate in everything1 8even10 he said1 8to the setting up of a stocking or the ribbons which a woman should wear40 ,many of the people1 when they heard these words and witnessed the fanaticism created thereby1 were aroused to opposition1 but ,brigham only became more fierce in his denunciations and more harsh in his measures4 ,i could plainly see that all this had the1 to me1 much desired effect of alienating my husband from ,mormonism1 and ,i never allowed an opportunity of strengthening the impression thus produced to pass unimproved4 ,the articles in his paper showed the condition of his mind1 and brought down upon him the wrath of ,brigham4 ,at this also ,i rejoiced1 and did not fail to make him feel that he ought to resent the ,prophet's interference4 ,brigham felt too certain of the submission of his slave1 and accused ,mr4 ,stenhouse of having published favourable notices of ,gentile stores1 also of having their advertisements in his paper1 and otherwise aiding and abetting the wicked ,gentiles--all which accusations my husband began to feel was an infringement upon his own private personal rights as a citizen and a man4 ,one circumstance followed another1 and ,i could plainly see that his confidence in ,brigham's inspiration was slowly but surely dwindling away1 and that the day which ,i had so long anxiously watched for was breaking at last4 ,notwithstanding this1 however1 there was one bond which still united him by no weak tie to the ,church--he was a ,polygamist4 ,the contemplated marriage between him and ,brigham's daughter could1 ,i believed1 never now take place2 but1 even allowing that1 he still had another wife2 and now that ,i had entirely lost faith in ,mormonism generally1 and the 8,celestial ,order of ,marriage0 in particular1 ,i resolved that ,i would no longer have a partner in my husband's affections--as if he were a 8joint-stock concern60--,i would have the whole of my husband1 or none4 ,i had not yet1 however1 sufficient courage to speak to him of my feelings4 ,one ,sunday evening1 ,mr4 ,stenhouse1 when he came home1 said to me3 8,brother ,brigham has given me a mission2 he wishes me to go to ,ogden and publish my paper there40 ,i can imagine ,i see some strong-minded woman smile at the idea of a wife wanting courage to speak to her husband4 ,but such women do not know what ,mormonism is4 ,this was very unexpected news2 but with the vividness of lightning1 a glimpse of what the ,prophet intended by such a strange proposition flashed across my mind4 8,he wishes to ruin us60 ,i exclaimed2 8you surely will not go60 ,now ,brigham1 of course1 knew that my husband's paper had a large circulation in ,utah ,territory as well as in ,salt ,lake ,city1 and that his business was in a most prosperous condition2 he knew also that to do aught that might impair or destroy that business would be to bring misery and disaster upon all who were dependent upon it for their daily bread4 ,and yet1 for all that1 he told my husband to break up his establishment1 or in his own words1 8to pull up root and branch10 and go to a place where the people were so miserably poor that it was impossible to make a newspaper successful among them4 ,in all this the crafty ,prophet no doubt acted wisely4 ,the ,daily ,telegraph would in all probability become a power in the ,territory1 and he feared that in a short time it would emancipate itself from his control4 ,i do not doubt that1 long before this time1 he had noted that my husband was weakening in the faith2 but he had waited for his opportunity1 and now he considered that it had come4 ,we knew very well that this was the way in which he had always acted towards those whom he feared or doubted2 when he saw them growing weak in the faith he ruined them1 or did the best he could to that effect1 before they finally left the ,church4 ,i urged my husband to resist this arbitrary decree on the part of the ,prophet1 and represented strongly the misery which would result from his failure1 and the utter impossibility of success4 ,but ,i soon found that1 though he doubted ,brigham1 his faith in ,mormonism was by no means all gone--he1 like many another1 feared that in disobeying ,brigham1 perhaps1 after all1 he might be resisting ,god4 ,he could see the wrong-doing of the ,prophet1 and felt that his conduct was unworthy of one who pretended to such great things2 but be regarded this as the weakness of the ,prophet's humanity1 at the same time believing that in matters of religion he might be divinely inspired4 ,he was still so under the influence of the past that he could not yet break asunder the yoke and bid defiance to ,brigham and the ,priesthood4 ,he told me that now was the time for him to prove his obedience1 cost what it might2 and all the brethren urged him to submit1 saying that the ,lord would overrule everything for his good4 ,believing this1 he broke up his establishment at ,salt ,lake ,city1 and went1 as 8counselled10 to ,ogden4 ,there he remained for several months1 during which time he was losing money every day4 ,finding at last that he could stand it no longer1 he asked ,brigham ,young's permission to return and recommence his paper in ,salt ,lake ,city1 for no one then dared stir a foot without permission4 ,this was granted1 for ,brigham had now accomplished his purpose4 ,but some of our friends told me that the teachers1 when making their weekly visits1 were telling the people not to take in ,brother ,stenhouse's paper again1 if he came back to ,salt ,lake ,city1 for he was apostatizing1 and they must not sustain an ,apostate4 ,now1 ,i thought1 my husband will believe that ,i was right in my judgment of ,brigham's motives4 ,my own family and that of the second wife did not accompany my husband to ,ogden2 he was therefore quite at home when he returned1 but the expense of transferring his business from one place to another was perfectly ruinous4 ,he had not only purchased valuable property1 as ,i before mentioned1 in the ,city1 but he had also realized quite a comfortable little fortune by the success of his paper2 but now the property had to be mortgaged1 and his fortune was1 of course1 utterly insufficient for these heavy daily losses4 ,just then1 the severe illness of my eldest son1 in ,san ,francisco1 made it necessary that we should leave immediately to attend him1 for we had received intelligence that he was not at all likely to recover4 ,as it was my own son who was sick1 my husband had very naturally determined that ,i should accompany him2 but this brought on such a severe fit of jealousy on the part of his young wife1 who already was by no means too happy1 that when we returned1 after my son's recovery1 she threatened to obtain a divorce4 ,my husband told me of this1 but ,i had so frequently heard such threats from wives who were unhappy or neglected that ,i thought little about it4 ,one day1 not long after our return1 ,i was quite surprised to see ,mr4 ,stenhouse and ,joseph ,a4 ,young drive up to the door1 looking as if something of great importance had just transpired4 ,mr4 ,stenhouse jumped out of his buggy and hurriedly gave me a letter1 as ,i thought--at the same time saying1 8,take great care of this1 for it makes me a free man again40 ,saying this1 he left the house1 jumped into the buggy again1 and was gone1 while ,i stood holding the paper1 wondering what it all could mean4 ,my husband had told me to 8take care0 of the paper4 ,he neither said 8read it0 or 8don't read it10 and1 of course1 ,i was not in the least curious4 ,the envelope was not sealed1 so ,i made up my mind that1 though he had not said so1 he must have wished me to read what was inside1 and at any rate ,i resolved to risk doing so4 ,to my astonishment ,i found that the document which he said set him free was nothing else than a bill of divorce between him and his young wife4 ,it appeared afterwards that she had been to ,brother ,brigham1 had told him of her grievances1 and had asked for a divorce4 ,now when the wife of any man who is of good standing in the ,church1 and whom ,brigham wishes to honour1 comes to him for a divorce1 he generally sends for the husband first1 tells him about it1 and they talk it over together4 ,the husband is counselled to 8make the matter up10 and a compromise is effected4 ,in the case of my husband1 ,brigham acted otherwise4 ,the clerk had been directed to make out the papers1 which the second wife signed1 and1 as far as she was concerned1 her marriage was dissolved4 ,my husband was then notified that he was wanted at the ,prophet's office1 and he had a very shrewd guess as to what the nature of the business was for which his presence was desired4 ,he waited till the afternoon1 when he knew that ,brigham would be absent1 and then as he was driving out with ,joseph ,a41 the ,prophet's son1 he drew up before the office and asked ,joseph to accompany him inside in order to witness a little business which he had to transact4 ,joseph agreed2 but when he found what the business really was1 he strongly urged my husband not to sign the papers1 or1 at least1 to take time and consult with ,president ,young first4 ,mr4 ,stenhouse1 however1 never for a moment doubted that ,brigham had expected by this hasty move to bring him to his feet1 and he would not therefore yield4 ,so1 asking the clerk for the papers1 he signed them1 and ,joseph also signed them as a witness2 the other witness was ,david ,mackenzie1 ,brigham's clerk4 ,belinda had already affixed her name4 ,ten dollars were then handed over as the usual fee4 ,my husband took one copy of the 8bill of divorce10 the wife had a right to a second copy1 and the third was deposited in the archives of ,zion4 ,my husband had then1 as we have seen1 hastened home to tell me that he was 8a free man30 and yet these two had been 8sealed0 to each other at the altar in the ,endowment ,house 8for all eternity60 ,this is the way that divorces are granted in ,utah4 ,there is not the slightest difficulty about them1 if only ,brother ,brigham is willing4 ,the reader would1 perhaps1 be interested in seeing one of these terrible documents4 ,i therefore append a true1 perfect1 and exact copy of my husband's own bill of divorce4 ,it is a fac-simile--type1 signatures1 and all4 ,this is a specimen of an orthodox divorce among the bon ton in ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,out in the ,settlements they do things in a much more primitive style1 and some of their documents are rather amusing4 ,the following is a correct copy of a ,mormon divorce bill taken from the records of ,beaver ,city3-- ,march #hth #ahga ,to whomsoever it may concern ,this is to certify in the beginning of #ahfi when ,i gave a bill of divorce to ,sarah ,ann ,lowry ,i gave to her for the good of her four children the following property viz4 ,a parcel of land of about nine acres enclosed all around with a house of two rooms and one cow and heifer ,,william ,c ,,ritter ,i could1 if space permitted1 give many others equally interesting4 ,illustration3 ,,fac-,,simile ,,of ,a ,,mormon 8,,bill ,,of ,,divorce40 ,to face p4 #cdd4 ,i cannot say that ,i was much grieved at the sight of my husband's divorce4 ,at the same time1 long training in the school of trouble had hardened my heart and rendered me almost indifferent1 and ,i cannot say that ,i very greatly rejoiced4 ,nature adapts us morally1 as well as physically1 to the positions which we have to occupy in life4 ,the hand of him who labours much becomes hard1 the unshodden foot grows horny1 and the heart which at first is tender and1 like the olian harp1 ready to answer to the slightest passing breath1 by and by1 beneath the rough hand of trial and the world1 becomes callous and stony1 and the roughest storms and the sweetest pleasures alike seem to make little impression upon it4 ,thus it was with me when ,i received that paper4 ,a few years before1 a reliable assurance that my husband would never enter into ,polygamy would have been to me the realization of my best earthly wishes4 ,but now my heart was almost dead1 and ,i felt as if ,i hardly cared one way or the other4 ,if ,i felt thus1 who had still all my darling children around me1 who had never missed one dear little face from the fireside or from the table1 what must have been endured by those mothers who not only gave away their husbands to other wives1 but who lost child after child1 until1 bereft of all they loved on earth1 they could but1 like ,rachael1 sit down in ashes and mourn for the dead8 ,but the more ,i thought over what had happened1 the more doubtful ,i felt as to what the result would be4 ,that there would be some great change in our life1 ,i felt assured2 but to me the change was coming almost too late4 ,then1 too1 the young wife who in her hasty anger had obtained the divorce4 ,i felt that her happiness must surely be gone1 and ,i could not bear the thought that my peace should be purchased with the sorrows of another4 ,brother ,brigham's part in the matter was also ever present in my mind4 ,that he had resolved to bring ruin upon my husband ,i did not now for a moment doubt4 ,but if a weak woman's efforts could in any way assist in thwarting his designs1 ,i fully resolved that he never should have the satisfaction of seeing those designs successful4 ,i would stand by my husband1 ,i would work for and assist him1 and would give not even a passing thought to what ,i might have suffered1 or remember that he had ever loved others better than myself4 ,i would be to him now the true wife that before ,god ,i had vowed to be1 for worse as well as for better2 and however ,i myself might have been wronged1 ,i would1 for my part1 endeavour faithfully to perform my whole duty to my husband and to ,god4 ,after ,i had formed this mental resolution1 and had begun to realize our new position1 ,i felt as if awakening from a long dream of many years4 ,i was released from the clutches of that frightful nightmare--,polygamy2 and ,i could once more take my place beside my husband as his wife4 ,i knew that he would have much to contend against1 and would need all the moral support that ,i could accord to him4 ,brigham's efforts in respect to my husband's paper had been far too successful1 and although it was still carried on1 fresh difficulties sprang up every day4 ,my husband had been deceived by ,brigham's oily manner and plausible way2 but to others his intention in sending him away was no secret4 ,a man named ,bull1 who is now and was also at that time employed in the ,deseret ,news office1 said that no one but ,mr4 ,stenhouse had ever been deceived by what the ,prophet had done2 it was commonly reported that ,brigham intended to ruin my husband1 and that when he prophesied that the paper in ,ogden should be a great success1 he was himself perfectly aware that it was utterly impossible that such could be the case4 ,whether ,brigham was the deceiver or the deceived1 ,i do not wish to say4 ,men who consider themselves inspired1 and go on day by day uttering all sorts of nonsense and blasphemy1 and giving impertinent and mischievous advice in the 8name of the ,lord10 at last become thoroughly impervious to reason1 and daily and hourly deceive themselves4 ,i hope1 for his own sake1 it was so with ,brigham1 for ,i would rather believe him a self-made fool than a downright knave2 and in many of his transactions--perhaps ,i ought almost to say all--it is clear to every one that he is either one or the other4 ,of one thing ,i am certain--,i was fully contented that we should lose all1 if only my husband were taken1 once and for ever1 clean out of the meshes of ,mormonism4 ,we might have to make a terrible sacrifice1 but to me it was a sacrifice well worth the making4 ,,chapter ,,xxxviii4 ,,mary ,,burton--,,life',s ,,journey ,,ended3 ,,rest ,,at ,,last4 ,it was about this time that one morning1 very early1 before ,i was well up1 a young girl came to the house in a great hurry1 asking to speak to me without a moment's delay4 ,i threw a wrapper round me1 and went out at once to see her4 ,she said she came from the house of ,sister ,mary ,burton1 and begged me to come directly and see her1 for ,mary had taken poison1 and it was thought she was dying4 ,now1 ,i have been so much engaged of late in telling my own sorrows1 that ,mary ,burton has quite dropped out of my story4 ,but it must not be supposed that all that time ,i saw nothing of my poor friend4 ,on the contrary1 ,i had seen her much more frequently of late than ,i used to when ,i first came to ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,when ,i last spoke of her it was when she was about to return to ,southern ,utah1 where she and her husband then resided4 ,it was evident to me from her conversation1 as it must have been to the reader1 that her faith in ,mormonism had even then entirely gone2 that she felt her husband's neglect and unkindness most keenly1 and that she had become a miserable1 broken-hearted woman4 ,it was very painful to contrast what she now was with what she had been when ,i first knew her1 and then to think what a happy wife and mother she might have been if the spectre of ,mormonism had not crossed her path4 ,mary and her husband1 ,elder ,shrewsbury1 left the ,settlements about a year after the time ,i last mentioned her1 and took up their abode in ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,elder ,shrewsbury had prospered exceedingly1 and when he came to ,salt ,lake he brought with him1 besides ,mary1 his second wife1 ,ellen1 who1 as we before noticed1 had become very much attached to her4 ,the other three wives and their children were left at the farm in ,southern ,utah4 ,he would probably have brought them all with him1 had there been in the city a house large enough to hold them all4 ,as it was1 he purchased a good lot about half a mile from where we resided1 with a comfortable house upon it2 and there his first and second wives lived together4 ,this was the man who had solemnly sworn before ,god1 that he would never practise ,polygamy6 ,but ,i doubt if ,elder ,shrewsbury1 with his comfortable house in the city1 his farm and lands in the ,south1 his fast increasing property1 and his many wives1 felt truly the hundredth part of the happiness which he would have experienced in the devotion of one faithful heart1 even had it been in the midst of poverty and care4 ,he1 however1 poor infatuated man1 did not think thus2 he was actually even now courting a young girl of about seventeen years of age1 who the two wives daily expected would be brought home to aid in building up their husband's 8,kingdom40 ,i do not think ,mary cared much about this4 ,it was the taking of the first plural wife that was her great sorrow4 ,after that1 her love for her husband weakened1 until it altogether died out1 and she did not care how many wives he took4 ,mary's high spirit was always urging her into rebellion4 ,in married life both husband and wife give way to each other in a thousand little things1 of no consequence in themselves1 but quite sufficient1 without the presence of love1 to sow the seeds of discord4 ,but when love has fled1 and the husband looks upon his wife--the companion of his youth1 the mother of his children--not as the partner of his whole life and the sharer of all his joys and sorrows1 but as a person whose presence is a reproach to him and who is an inconvenience rather than otherwise2 and when the wife regards her husband as one whom formerly she loved with true devotion1 but who has cruelly broken her heart and trampled upon her feelings1 and who is nothing to her now but a tyrant whose very presence is painful to her1 can there then be any forbearance1 any of those gentle kindnesses1 any of those loving forgivenesses1 any of those mutual tendernesses and sweet confidences which constitute the charm of married life8 ,in giving up ,mormonism1 my unhappy friend gave up1 as too many have done1 faith in all else4 ,she had lived1 as she thought1 a life of religion2 and when she found what a terrible mockery of all that is holy that so-called religion was1 she cast it aside1 thinking that all religion was vain4 ,she did not see that she would have acted just as wisely in rejecting all food because she chanced to partake of some that was poisoned2 she did not see that1 although the broken reed on which she rested was unable to yield her any true support1 nevertheless the everlasting foundations of eternal truth which ,god ,himself has laid can never be removed2 and that though creeds and systems may fail and pass away1 only to give place to others equally unsatisfactory1 yet those divine verities are established for ever1 are beyond the reach of earthly vicissitudes1 and know nothing of time or change4 ,utterly miserable and sick at heart1 ,mary cared not whether she lived or died4 ,there was nothing to bind her to life1 and beyond the life of this world she was altogether without hope4 ,a more wretched existence it is scarcely possible to imagine4 ,while they were still in the ,settlements1 she treated the other wives with the greatest contempt1 sitting by them at the table or passing them in the house without vouchsafing a look or a word4 ,her husband1 as might be expected1 avoided her whenever it was possible1 and the other wives returned her coldness and disdain1 and in turn annoyed her as much as they could when they were not too busy looking after one another4 ,it would be impossible to picture a house more divided against itself than was that of ,elder ,shrewsbury4 ,when the two wives1 ,ellen and ,mary1 lived together with their husband in ,salt ,lake ,city1 ,mary of course had no opportunity of showing her hatred and contempt for the polygamic wives4 ,but towards her husband she evinced a cold disdain1 as if he were now nothing at all to her--as if her very heart itself had been withered4 ,for ,ellen1 who1 since ,elder ,shrewsbury had taken his other wives1 had clung to her with a child-like affection1 and to her own little girl alone1 she showed that deep and constant love which she had once lavished upon such an unworthy object4 ,she used to come to me and tell me all her griefs2 and in a passion of rage and tears she would hurl defiance at ,mormonism and curse bitterly the system that had wrecked her life4 ,then ,i would soothe her1 and speak calmly to her1 and try to place matters in their best light2 and she would sit and listen in a painful state of apathy1 as if she cared for none of these things4 ,presently she would rise and go1 and then1 perhaps1 ,i would not see her for weeks together1 unless ,i chanced to call upon her at her own house4 ,sometimes1 for days and even weeks at a time1 she would shut herself up in her room and refuse to see her husband or any one else1 except her little girl1 who slept in the same room with her1 and who at such times used to bring in what food they wanted2 for in these melancholy fits she would not even let the servants come near her4 ,there was a little table near the window1 and from the casement of the window could be seen in the far distance the lofty ranges of the ,wahsatch ,mountains4 ,and sitting at that table1 gazing from that window1 with her cheek resting upon her hand1 ,mary would watch the whole day long1 as if entranced in some ecstatic vision4 ,her little girl--a child of winning ways1 bashful to an extreme and very pretty1 but1 though so young1 with a look of wistful sadness upon her childish face--had become accustomed to her mother's ways2 and when one of these long spells of melancholy came upon her1 she would either steal out quietly and wander away for a long walk all by herself--for she never played with the other children in her father's house--or else1 as was more frequently the case1 she would sit down on the ground near her mother and silently amuse herself with a book or some childish toy4 ,to my mind there was something inexpressibly painful in all this4 ,when ,mary did not come to see me1 ,i would call round at her husband's house1 and try to draw her out from her melancholy seclusion4 ,it was very seldom that ,i saw ,elder ,shrewsbury1 and ,i cannot say that ,i wished to do so4 ,he had1 as his wife told me1 undergone a complete change since ,i knew him in ,england4 ,the open look1 the upright bearing1 the earnestness of speech1 which then characterized him1 were now gone for ever4 ,he was still a handsome man1 rather portly1 and evidently well to do in the world2 but there were lines about his eyes which ought not to have been seen in the face of a man of his years2 and his lips1 without uttering a word1 told their own story4 ,heartbroken and wretched1 weary of life1 and yet with no hopeful assurance of life beyond the grave1 poor ,mary lived on year after year1 while those who seemed to dance in the very sunshine of existence were cut off like the summer flowers in the harvest-field4 ,lately1 however1 ,i thought ,i saw symptoms of a change4 ,i noticed that she was perceptibly growing thinner and thinner2 her eye seemed brighter1 and there was always a flush upon her cheek1 which would have been beautiful had it not been for the seal of melancholy which was stamped upon every feature4 ,but the brightness of the eye1 and the flush upon the cheek1 were not symbols of health1 but the imprint of the finger of death4 ,she did not know this4 ,though she longed to die1 she little thought that death was so near her4 ,sometimes she would talk almost happily of the old by-gone days2 then she would sit brooding over her griefs2 and then again she would talk anxiously about the future of her little daughter4 ,i had seen other wives as wretched as poor ,mary was--ay1 more so1 for they had abject1 grinding poverty superadded to all their woes2 but1 more than for any other ,i felt for my poor friend1 and exerted myself to the uttermost to comfort her4 ,in this ,i had been to a certain extent successful4 ,she would appear for a time a little more cheerful1 but it was not long before she relapsed into her habitual melancholy way4 ,that which troubled me most of late1 in my intercourse with ,mary1 was the fact that she was always talking about death4 ,this certainly was no matter of surprise to me1 but it was very painful4 ,over and over again she would discuss the question whether1 under any circumstances1 suicide could be justified1 and whether if any one1 in absolute despair1 were to take away their own life1 ,god would ever pardon them4 ,i would never enter into such subjects as these1 for ,i considered that such conversation showed a morbid condition of mind1 and could not possibly be of any good to either of us1 and would only suggest harmful thoughts4 ,but again and again ,mary reverted to the subject1 and ,i really at last began to grow quite anxious about her4 ,it was not1 therefore1 with surprise that ,i received the summons that morning4 ,i did not wait to ask any questions about the poisoning1 but hastened to the bedside of my unfortunate friend1 trusting that ,i might yet be in time to render some assistance4 ,i found her lying on the bed1 partly dressed1 and1 as it seemed to me at first1 asleep4 ,there was1 at the bedside1 and bending over her1 the second wife1 who was in as much trouble as if the sufferer had been her own sister4 ,the poor girl had been weeping1 and was evidently very much distressed4 ,there was also present in the room another sister1 whom ,i recognized as a friend of ,mary's4 ,the little daughter of the unfortunate woman was there as well4 ,one person1 whom every one would naturally have expected to see at the bedside of a dying wife under such circumstances1 was conspicuous by his absence--,i mean1 of course1 ,elder ,shrewsbury himself4 ,i sat down on the bed1 beside poor ,mary1 and took her hand in mine4 ,it was cold but damp1 and her breathing was somewhat heavy4 ,she was still unconscious4 ,i asked the pretty pale-faced girl--the second wife--who was bending over her1 how it had all happened1 and whether they had had a doctor4 8,oh1 yes10 she said1 sobbing all the time2 8we sent for the doctor1 and he has only just gone4 ,he said he had done all he could1 and that we could let her sleep on now40 ,she then told me what had taken place4 ,it appeared that the night before ,elder ,shrewsbury had gone up into ,mary's room to speak to her about some matter of importance4 ,although living in the same house1 she had not seen him for several weeks1 and the mere fact of being in his presence agitated her4 ,he told her he had come to talk about her child--little ,mary1 called ,mary after her mother4 ,for some reason or other1 which nobody then seemed to understand1 ,elder ,shrewsbury had taken a fancy that the child should be separated from her mother2 he wanted to send her to stay with his other family in the ,settlements1 and it was for this purpose he came to see ,mary that night4 ,it certainly did seem the refinement of cruelty to separate the child from her poor mother1 who would thus have become1 as one might say1 doubly widowed2 and ,i am strongly inclined to question whether ,elder ,shrewsbury's motives were of the purest kind4 ,it is1 however1 only just to state that subsequently1 when speaking to a friend about the matter1 he said that he had long noticed in his wife what he considered were incipient symptoms of madness1 and he thought that his duty towards the child imperatively demanded that he should immediately take her away from her mother4 ,he added--as was indeed true--that his other wives in the ,south would have taken the greatest care of her4 ,mary was furious when the proposal was made to her4 ,she bitterly upbraided her husband for all his cruelty and neglect2 she cursed him for his perfidy1 and she avowed that nothing but death should separate her from her little girl4 ,elder ,shrewsbury trembled at the anger of his poor forsaken wife1 and he crept out of her room and downstairs4 ,but ,mary could not be appeased4 ,she went to the room of the second wife--the only creature in the house1 besides her little girl1 with whom she sometimes condescended to hold intercourse--and there she acted in a very wild and extravagant way4 ,it was with great difficulty that she was at last persuaded to lie down and take a little rest4 ,she would not go to her own room2 so ,ellen--the second wife--persuaded her to remain with her all the night4 ,she lay down1 but did not sleep4 ,she muttered strange things1 and by-and-by sat up in the bed and spoke as if people were present whom she had known years and years ago4 ,ellen was frightened2 but out of love to ,mary1 and not wishing that others should see her in that crazy condition1 she did not call for help1 thinking that presently she would fall asleep1 and in the morning all would be right4 ,but the long night passed away1 and just before daybreak ,ellen fell into a sort of fitful slumber4 ,it would seem that just then poor ,mary discovered for the first time that she was not sleeping in her own room1 and that her little daughter was not with her4 ,distracted as her mind was1 she probably thought that they had stolen the child away1 and went in search of her4 ,she found her way to her own room1 and then what happened no one1 of course1 could tell4 ,she must have seen that her child was safe2 and it is not unlikely that1 reassured on that point1 she felt that she needed rest1 and thought that it would be best to take some sedative to produce the sleep which she believed would restore her to herself again4 ,she had in her room a little leather medicine-chest--a very useful article for any one travelling1 or to keep in the house--and to that she must have had resort4 ,certain it is1 that when1 an hour later1 ,ellen awoke and went to see what had become of her husband's first wife1 she found the little medicine-chest open upon the bureau1 ,mary lying upon the bed1 apparently asleep1 and a faint sickly smell1 which one better versed in such things would have known was the smell of opium1 pervading the whole room4 ,ellen began to scream and call for help1 and one of the women about the house1 who was up at that early hour1 came to see what was the matter4 ,she1 upon hearing what ,ellen said1 rushed downstairs shrieking for assistance4 ,fortunately for every one1 ,elder ,shrewsbury1 who had just risen1 was standing in the hall-way below4 ,he took hold of the noisy woman and asked her what was the matter2 and after hearing all she had to say he sent her to attend to her domestic duties1 with a strict injunction to say nothing to a living soul about what she had seen or heard4 ,elder ,shrewsbury then went up to ,mary's room1 and there he learned that all that the silly woman had just said to him was quite true4 ,he1 however1 betrayed no emotion4 ,very calmly he put the stopper back into the laudanum bottle1 then looked at his watch and hesitated1 all the while that pale-faced ,ellen was looking anxiously at him1 wanting to know what she could do4 ,after a few moments of indecision1 ,elder ,shrewsbury turned to ,ellen and said1 8,yes2 go for the doctor40 ,ellen flew upon her mission4 ,meanwhile1 ,elder ,shrewsbury looked towards the bed where poor ,mary lay--,mary1 for whose love he had perjured his soul--,mary who never would have been his had he not given that sacred promise1 the breaking of which made him an outlaw from heaven and a thing to be despised of men4 ,he looked for one single moment at his poor wife as she lay there1 and then he turned upon his heel and went out of the room4 ,for the wealth of all the world ,i would not feel as that man felt1 if the thoughts which then crowded upon his brain were what1 for the sake of our common humanity1 ,i trust they were4 ,the remembrance of the life which his folly or fanaticism--it matters little which--had blasted2 the thought of that solemn vow which he had taken to love her only and for ever2 the sight of that dear one to whom he had once plighted his troth1 now desolate1 forsaken1 almost maniac in her wretchedness4 ,oh ,god6 what a curse was there for any man's soul to bear6 ,the physician1 when he came1 administered an emetic and made them walk the patient about the room4 ,ellen and the friend of ,mary who was present volunteered for this service4 ,they supported her1 one on each side1 and paced her round and round the room1 thus compelling her to exertion2 and from time to time they made her swallow doses of strong coffee1 in which a little brandy had been mixed4 ,when1 at length1 signs of returning consciousness were apparent1 the physician left1 promising to call again in the course of the morning4 ,it was then that some one present thought of sending for me1 and ,i arrived not long after the physician had gone4 ,i was the only person1 outside the family1 beside the friend whom ,i have mentioned1 who knew of anything that had taken place--so careful were they that the matter should not get abroad2 and ,i should certainly not have been summoned had it not been for the close intimacy which existed between ,mary and myself1 which made us more like sisters than friends4 ,the reader must not1 however1 suppose that in relating this ,i am even now betraying a trust2 for my friends in ,utah know as well as ,i do that so many unhappy wives have in their desperation been driven to attempt self-destruction1 that having no clue in the name1 which solely out of love for my poor friend1 ,i have all through this narrative given her1 they will not know who to fix upon as the person to whom ,i allude4#c ,there is1 however1 one still living--he will know--let his own conscience be his accuser4 ,in about half an hour's time1 ,mary began to recognize those who were around her1 but she did not seem disposed to speak4 ,she opened her eyes and looked dreamily at me for a long time1 but the slight pressure of my hand was her only recognition of my presence4 ,i bent down over her and whispered a few assuring words in her ear1 and for a moment a faint1 weary smile lighted up her thin1 pale face4 ,it was not like the sweet smiles of the by-gone days which used to suffuse her whole countenance with sunshine--it was but the very ghost of a smile4 ,presently she sank into a gentle slumber2 but ,i still sat by her on the bed1 holding her hand in mine1 and ,i remained there for two or three hours4 ,then1 after seeing that everything was at hand which she could possibly want if she awoke1 and assured by ,ellen that she would not leave her until she was able to sit up1 ,i left for my own home4 ,at the bottom of the stairs1 in the hall-way1 ,i was confronted by ,elder ,shrewsbury himself4 ,this surprised me1 as hitherto he had most sedulously avoided coming in contact with me4 ,he gave me one searching glance1 as if to read my thoughts1 and then said3 8,sister ,stenhouse1 this is a most unhappy affair1 but say nothing about it--no good can come of talking of such matters40 ,i assured him that for ,mary's sake--not for his--,i would not speak of what had transpired2 but when he held out his hand for me to shake1 ,i affected not to see it1 but wished him good-morning1 and left the house4 99 99 99 99 99 ,for some time she said nothing to me about the sad event which had so greatly troubled us1 and when at length she hesitatingly alluded to it1 ,i was much relieved to find that the taking of the deadly drug was on her part wholly accidental4 ,it was as ,i from the first suspected--for ,i knew and loved my dear friend too well to wrong her even by a thought4 ,cruelly as she had suffered1 wretched and miserable as she was1 bitterly as she felt1 the instincts of her heart were too true and her nature too noble to allow of her seeking oblivion from her troubles in voluntary and premeditated death1 as ,i have known was the case with many wretched ,mormon wives4 ,she had only thought to take an opiate to soothe the feverish excitement which had almost bereft her of reason1 and1 in the weak and enfeebled condition in which she was1 the draught had been too powerful for her4 ,guiltless as she was1 she dreaded that others might impute wrong motives to her in what she had done2 and even to me she spoke of her sickness painfully and with hesitation4 ,after this1 ,i called day after day upon my poor friend1 until she was sufficiently recovered to walk about and even to get out of doors a little4 ,the story of the unhappy attempt which she was supposed to have made upon her life1 by some means1 however1 got rumoured abroad1 and she heard of it4 ,she said nothing at the time1 but ,i believe it preyed upon her mind4 ,weak and failing in health1 as she long had been1 the shock which her system had received was too much for her1 and it was evident to every one who saw her that her earthly trials would soon be ended4 ,she sank gradually1 and life ebbed from her gently and without pain4 ,a few days before she died1 she sent for me1 and ,i spent several hours with her4 ,i might say that they were happy hours2 for the near prospect of death seemed to have dispelled all those gloomy fears of the future life which had for so many years troubled her soul2 and she now looked forward with peaceful resignation to her approaching change4 ,death came at last to her when she was sleeping1 and she passed away tranquilly and without a sigh4 ,i almost rejoiced when ,i heard that at last her weary journey was over1 and she was at rest4 ,i loved her with the fondest affection1 and shall never think of her without bitter feelings towards that unholy system which brought her to an untimely grave4 ,,chapter ,,xxxix4 ,,my ,,husband ,,disfellowshipped--,,we ,,apostatize--,,brutal ,,outrage ,,upon ,,my ,,husband ,,and ,,myself4 ,notwithstanding all my own personal troubles and the difficulties which surrounded us1 the loss of my dear friend affected me very deeply4 ,and yet her story is the same as might be told of hundreds of other ,english girls who have been lured from their happy homes and have died broken-hearted and neglected in ,utah4 ,now came that change in our life which ,i had so long hoped for1 but which had always seemed to me so very far distant4 ,we had been tossed by many a storm1 but the violence of this last gale was such that it forced us clean out of the sea of ,mormonism1 and landed us high and dry upon the firm ground of ,apostasy4 ,about the time when my husband returned with his paper to ,salt ,lake ,city1 the ,utah ,magazine1 a liberal journal just struggling into existence1 began to call in question some of ,brigham's measures2 and the editors1 who were all men of some mark in the ,mormon ,church1 presumed to hint that the people had rights and privileges as well as the ,priesthood4 ,this was done in a very quiet1 unobtrusive way2 but it was1 nevertheless1 pronounced rebellion and apostasy4 ,my husband's paper was silent upon the subject2 and1 in consequence1 he was suspected of being in league with the enemy4 ,this was another good reason why the people should be 8counselled0 not to take the ,telegraph4 ,although he was not yet sufficiently advanced in thought to give much direct aid to the questioners of ,brigham's authority1 ,i saw with pleasure that he did not wish to oppose them2 the tone of his paper was evidently changing1 and the articles which appeared from time to time gave serious offence to ,brigham ,young4 ,this1 however1 was not all his wrong-doing2 he had of late been neglectful in his attendance at the 8,school of the ,prophets0--a meeting which was then held every ,saturday for the benefit of the ,elders4 ,together with the editors of the ,utah ,magazine1 ,mr4 ,stenhouse and one or two others were summoned to appear at the ,school1 to give their reasons for previous non-attendance4 ,this they had all along anticipated1 and were therefore not surprised at the summons1 but they hardly expected that ,brigham would act so precipitately2 for1 without waiting to hear their reasons1 he disfellowshipped them all for irregular attendance4 ,brigham's assumption of the right to disfellowship men from the ,church because of irregular attendance at the ,school was a stretch of authority which startled my husband3 8,what will he not do next80 he said4 8,to submit would be to acknowledge him absolute1 and myself a slave4 ,there is but one alternative now--slavery or freedom4 ,cost me what it may1 ,i will be free60 ,in ,august of the same year my husband sent a respectful and kindly letter to the ,bishop of our ward1 stating that he had no faith in ,brigham's claim to an 8,infallible ,priesthood10 and that he considered that he ought to be cut off from the ,church4 ,i added a postscript1 stating that ,i wished to share my husband's fate--little thinking that within three days my request would be answered in a too literal manner4 ,a little after ten o'clock on the ,saturday night succeeding our withdrawal from the ,church1 we were returning home together4 ,the night was very dark1 and as our residence was in the suburbs of the ,city1 north of the ,temple block1 and the road very quiet1 the walk was a very lonely one and perhaps not altogether too safe4 ,we had gone about a third of the way1 when we suddenly saw four men come out from under some trees at a little distance from us4 ,in the gloom of the night we could only see them very indistinctly1 and could not distinguish who they were4 ,they separated2 and two of them came forward and stumbled up against us1 and two passed on beside us4 ,for a moment ,i thought that they were intoxicated1 but it was soon clear that they were acting from design4 ,as soon as they approached1 they seized hold of my husband's arms1 one on each side1 and held him firmly1 thus rendering him almost powerless4 ,they were all masked1 for it was supposed that thus we should not be able to discover their identity1 and that if by any chance an investigation should subsequently be made into the doings of that night it would not be possible for any one to witness against them4 ,the movements of the two men who held my husband were somewhat impeded by my clinging to his arm1 and they seemed to hesitate for a moment4 ,the other two1 who stood a few feet distant from us1 also hesitated4 ,one of the men who held my husband said to them1 8,brethren1 do your duty40 ,we recognized his voice at once as that of a policeman1 ,philips1 a young man whom we had known in ,southampton1 ,england1 when a child4 ,in an instant ,i saw them raise their arms1 as if taking aim1 and for one brief second ,i thought that our end had now surely come1 and that we1 like so many obnoxious persons before us1 were about to be murdered for the great sin of ,apostasy4 ,this1 ,i firmly believe1 would have been my husband's fate1 if ,i had not chanced to be with him1 or had ,i run away--they would probably have beaten him to death--they were two of the regular and two of the special policemen--and then1 the next morning1 they would have 8discovered0 the body1 and it would have been said that he had been murdered by the ,gentiles or ,apostates in a personal quarrel4 ,my presence somewhat disarranged their plans1 and it was that probably which caused the two men to hesitate1 not knowing what would be considered their 8duty0 under present circumstances4 ,a much less noble fate than assassination was reserved for us4 ,the wretches1 although otherwise well armed1 were not holding revolvers in their hands as ,i first supposed4 ,they were furnished with huge garden-syringes charged with the most disgusting filth1 in the preparation of which they took especial pains4 ,so kindred to their own base natures was such an act1 that ,i doubt not they found it quite a labour of love4 ,the moment the syringes were pointed at us1 my husband1 thinking a shot was coming1 moved his head1 and thus to a certain extent escaped the full force of the discharge4 ,i1 however1 was not so fortunate4 ,my hair1 bonnet1 face1 clothes1 person--every inch of my body1 every shred that ,i wore--were in an instant saturated1 from head to foot4 ,the villains1 when they had perpetrated this disgusting and brutal outrage1 turned and fled4 ,we ran after them for some little distance1 but we had no arms and nothing with which to defend ourselves2 in fact1 we pursued them instinctively rather than with any idea of overtaking them4 ,there was another man standing a little distance off in the direction in which they were running1 and we could not tell how many might be concealed4 ,the place1 too1 was dark and lonely1 for they had gone behind the ,temple block--a fit corner for murderers to skulk in2 a convenient spot for the commission of any unholy deed4 ,i was burning with indignation1 and longed to revenge myself upon the brutal cowards who had assaulted us4 ,in my anger ,i called upon them to come and kill us outright1 for ,i would have preferred death to such an indignity4 ,i almost wonder that they did not take me at my word and return and finish their foul work1 for they have long acted upon the principle that 8dead men tell no tales40 ,i shall never forget that night4 ,i declared that henceforth ,i would tear from my heart every association1 every memory1 every affection1 which still remained to bind me to ,mormonism2 not one solitary link should be left4 ,henceforth ,i would be the declared and open enemy of the ,priesthood4 ,to the utmost of my power--weak though ,i might be--,i would arouse the women of ,utah to a sense of the wrongs which they endured2 ,i would proclaim to the world the disgrace which ,mormonism is to the great ,american nation1 the foul blot that it is upon ,christianity and the civilization of the age6 ,my son-in-law1 ,joseph ,a4 ,young1 on the night of the attack1 offered a reward to the chief of the police for the apprehension of the ruffians2 but we knew well enough they would never be discovered4 ,a few ,gentile friends also offered a reward of five hundred dollars for any evidence that might lead to their identification2 but nothing1 of course1 was elicited4 ,,chapter ,,xl4 ,,amusing ,,troubles ,,of ,,my ,,talkative ,,friend--,,charlotte ,,with ,,the ,,golden ,,hair6 ,not long after our separation from the ,mormon ,church1 ,i received another visit from my talkative friend4 ,as1 according to her custom1 she was making a preliminary 8fuss0 at the door before entering1 ,i heard her voice1 and was at a loss to conjecture whether she came for the purpose of lamenting my apostasy and entreating my immediate return to the bosom of the ,church1 or to condole with me concerning the brutal outrage to which we had been subjected4 ,in both suppositions ,i was1 however1 mistaken--she came to talk about her own woes4 8,you'll be surprised1 my dear ,sister ,stenhouse10 she said1 8to see me looking so utterly miserable4 ,i'm sure ,i must look the picture of despair1 and ,i feel it4 ,you don't know what ,i've been suffering1 and how shamefully ,i have been used40 8,you look very well ,i think1 but ,i'm sorry to hear you have met with any difficulty10 said ,i1 when she stopped for a moment to take breath4 8,oh1 you may say so10 she replied1 8but you know you don't think so in your heart4 ,why1 ,i did not even stop to put on my bonnet straight10 she said1 stealing a look at the glass1 8and ,i ran all the way here1 for ,i felt as if ,i should die if ,i could not pour my sorrows into the bosom of some faithful-hearted friend4 ,oh1 ,i have been treated shamefully1 and ,i feel it the more as you know what a reserved woman ,i am1 and how seldom it is that ,i open my lips about family matters1 even to my dearest friends60 8,well1 but10 ,i said1 8what really is the matter8 ,you have not yet told me what your trouble is40 8,sister ,stenhouse10 she said1 8you have had a few little vexations in the course of your life1 ,i know1 but they are nothing to compare to the frightful indignities that ,i have suffered in the course of the last few days4 ,i never thought ,i should come to this6 ,i hate every man in the place1 and ,i detest my husband most of all1 and ,i loathe his wives1 and ,i execrate ,brother ,brig--0 8,why1 ,sister ,ann1 what can have happened80 ,i exclaimed1 interrupting her4 8,happened60 she cried1 starting from her chair in indignation1 8,i tell you1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 nothing has #8happened'--nothing was done by chance--he did it all with his eyes open and against my advice--,i tell you he did it on purpose60 8,did what80 ,i asked1 8and who was it that did it80 ,but by this time ,i had begun to form a shrewd guess who the culprit was4 8,why1 he married that wretched little shrimp of a girl1 with blue eyes and red hair1 and a die-away1 lackadaisical manner--it was he--my husband ,henry--he married her this very day1 and ,i tell you he did it on purpose60 8,i'm sorry that it annoys you10 ,i said2 8but really ,i am surprised1 after all you have said to me1 that you should not care if he had taken half-a-dozen wives1 to say nothing of the one he married this morning1 and who you say is only a very little one40 8,it doesn't matter the size1 ,sister ,stenhouse10 she said1 8but the colour of the eyes and the shade of the hair matters a great deal4 ,if that miserable little minx had had black hair or green eyes1 ,i daresay ,henry would not have cared two straws about her1 unless he had done it out of sheer perversity1 for all men are made of the same contrary stuff4 ,but he dotes on blue eyes2 ,i heard him myself tell her so one day1 when ,i was listening to them through the crack of the door1 and they didn't know ,i was so near4 ,but my wounded feelings would not suffer me to remain silent1 and ,i bounced in1 and1 said ,i1 #8,henry1 how dare you talk such outrageous nonsense to that child in my presence8' 8#8,but ,i didn't know you were present1' he said4 8#8,i tell you1' said ,i1 #8,i'm quite disgusted with you2 a man with three wives--and me one of them--to go talking twaddle to a little chattering hussy like that1 with her cat's eyes and her red hair6' 8#8,golden hair1 my dear1' he said1 #8,charlotte's hair is golden4' 8#8,i say red6--it's straight1 staring red--as red as red can be1' ,i told him2 and then we had a regular fight over it4 ,i don't mean that we came to blows1 but we had some hot words1 and he went out and left us two alone4 ,then that young hussy was impudent1 and ,i don't know how it was1 but somehow1 when we left off our conversation1 ,i found some of ,charlotte's red hair between my fingers2 and there0--she said1 innocently1 holding out quite a respectable sized tuft of auburn hair--8there2 ,i put it to you1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 is that red1 or is it not80 ,i was about to reply2 but1 without waiting an instant1 she dashed the stolen locks to the ground1 and said1 8,i daresay1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 you think me a little hasty1 and yet among my friends ,i've always been quite proverbial for the calmness and evenness of my temper2 but ,i've been tried very much lately1 and--if only you would not keep interrupting me1 dear6--if you'd just allow me to say a word or two in my turn6--,i'd tell you something that would open your eyes to the ingratitude and wickedness of men4 ,i don't wonder that you have left the ,church2 ,i am thinking of doing so myself1 and you won't wonder at it when you hear what ,i've got to say4 ,what do you say to my leaving the ,church8 ,won't people be astonished8 ,but ,i declare1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 ,i do seriously mean to leave the ,church as soon as ,i get my new bonnet--0 8,why your new bonnet80 ,i asked in surprise4 8,because1 dear1 ,i shall become an object of interest4 ,all the sisters will have their eyes upon me1 and even ,gentiles will say1 #8,there's a lady who had courage to leave the ,mormon ,church and quit an ungrateful husband who was not worthy of her4' ,and you know1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 it would not do to have people looking at me and talking about me before ,i got my new bonnet40 ,this was a rather amusing reason for delay in changing one's religion1 but it was quite characteristic of my friend4 ,so ,i humoured her a little1 and tried to get her to explain how it all came about4 8,oh1 yes10 she said1 8,i ought to have told you that before1 but ,i was to angry at what had just happened that ,i forgot everything else4 ,the fact is1 my husband is a man1 and there's no calculating what a man will do4 ,women1 you know1 are proverbial for the constancy of their affections and their slowness in changing their minds--you know when you're talking to a woman that she is a woman1 and you know exactly what to do with her2 but with a man it's quite different4 ,you can't calculate a man--you can't fathom him4 ,when you've been thinking one way and another1 and at last begin to fancy you know what to do1 why then1 a man--if it's him you've got to do with--will turn just round1 and while you've been making everything smooth for him to do one thing1 he'll go and do exactly the opposite4 ,i know what men are by this time1 and ,i speak from experience4 8,it was just so with ,henry and this girl4 ,he has gone quite against the grain with me1 and ,i feel it all the more because he used to be so quiet and anxious to do exactly what ,i wanted4 ,but he doesn't care a fig now whether ,i'm pleased or not--he only thinks about this red-headed girl4 ,in fact1 he's quite crazy about her1 and if there's any sin in apostasy1 you may remember that it was he who drove me into it40 8,that seems hardly fair10 ,i said1 8for you knew all along that it was his privilege to take more wives40 8,that's very true10 she exclaimed2 8it is his privilege to take wives1 but it's my privilege to choose them for him4 ,i'm a good ,mormon1 and ,i don't mind how many wives my husband takes1 if he'll only act reasonably about getting them4 ,but1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 ,i do not want a parcel of girls about the house4 ,i'm so far from wishing to usurp authority1 that1 as ,i told ,henry1 ,i would not mind if his wives were even a little older than me1 but ,i won't have them younger4 ,it makes ,henry look so silly4 ,why1 to see him with that girl ,charlotte1 now1 who isn't more than half my own age--no2 ,i don't mean that1 ,i mean she's slightly younger than ,i am--you might really almost imagine that he thought more of her than he does of me4 ,i know he doesn't1 for he has told me so2 but any one to see them together would get quite a wrong impression40 8,when did he marry ,charlotte80 ,i asked4 8,you spoke so hastily1 ,sister ,ann1 that ,i did not quite understand you40 8,when8 ,why he married her this morning1 as ,i thought ,i told you2 he has only just done it4 ,he said he was anxious to be in a quiet state of mind to-day1 so ,i gave him a piece of my mind1 and he was so astonished at the pointed way in which ,i explained to him what a fool he'd been making of himself that he quite showed it in his face4 ,the fact is1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 he has lately become rather more than ,i could manage40 8,well1 ,sister10 ,i said1 8,i should have thought that his finding a wife for himself would have saved you a world of trouble40 8,oh dear no1 ,sister ,stenhouse10 she replied2 8it was trouble ,i did not want to be saved4 ,men have no business1 in my opinion1 to choose their own wives1 after the first4 ,i know the men do do it1 one and all2 but it's a shameful stretch of authority4 ,i should like to know whether it is not of much more consequence to me what wife my husband has than it is to him8 ,however1 ,i resolved that my husband should never marry the red-headed girl1 and ,i told him so2 and what do you think the inhuman creature said8 #8,you've been persuading me all these years1' he said1 #8to take another wife1 although ,i've already got three1 and now ,i've begun to do so you blame me4 ,i think ,i've as good a right as any one to say who ,i'll marry and who ,i won't4' ,did you ever hear of such ingratitude8 ,would you hear of such a thing from your husband1 ,sister ,stenhouse80 ,i told her that with ,mormonism my husband had given up ,polygamy1 and she continued3 8,well1 ,i tried to bring him to reason1 but it was of no use4 ,and then ,i told him that the girl should never set foot inside the house while ,i was in it4 ,this was a very unfortunate speech1 for ,i do believe that up to that time he wanted as much as possible to keep the girl out of my way2 but the moment ,i said that1 to show his dignity1 ,i suppose1 he declared that she should come to tea with us that very afternoon1 and he would go and fetch her2 and he did so4 ,i wouldn't go down to tea at first1 though both the other wives were there and he sent up for me1 but my pride would not allow me to stoop4 ,at last ,i got tired of being all alone1 and as it occurred to me that perhaps they might be enjoying themselves without me1 ,i resolved to go down and see if ,i could not do something to annoy them4 ,down ,i went1 and ,henry1 all smiling1 introduced the girl to me as #8,sister ,charlotte1' talking of her as if he had known her for years4 ,was it not shameful80 8,it must have been very awkward for you10 ,i said4 8,it was indeed1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 and ,i soon made it awkward for them4 ,i assure you1 after ,i joined them1 there was not a soul present who had a moment's comfort till that girl went away4 ,my husband1 however1 took her home1 and from that very day he seemed resolved to have the upper hand4 ,he never for a moment would listen to a word ,i said about the girl2 he brought her in every evening and took her to the theatre constantly1 and paid her ten times more attention than he ever paid me4 ,i wasn't jealous1 ,sister ,stenhouse2 no one--as ,i said before--could ever suspect me of jealousy1 but ,i did hate that girl4 ,if he had not loved her1 ,i can't say whether ,i myself might not have liked her4 ,but the very fact of him loving her makes me detest her2 but it's only a little proper pride on my part--,i'm not in the least jealous1 oh dear no60 8,of course not10 ,i said4 8,i don't know about that10 she said1 8,i've borne enough from those two to drive fifty women crazy with jealousy1 and things went on from bad to worse1 until the other day when1 as ,i told you1 we had that little unpleasantness4 ,my husband1 when he came back1 was downright angry1 and made use of shocking language1 and told me that1 if he could not have peace in the house1 he would have me board out by myself in some other part of the city4 ,he said that ,i had scratched ,charlotte's face and torn out her hair2 but that was quite untrue1 as ,i told him2 and as for the hair which fell out1 it was all an accident4 ,he said that ,charlotte did not like such accidents1 and that he would not put up with it4 ,he was very cross and disagreeable all the rest of the day1 and made me quite miserable and broken-hearted2 and the next day1 to wind it all up1 he told me that he and ,charlotte had arranged the day of the wedding4 ,i was forced to go over with him to the ,endowment ,house1 to give him that detestable little vixen4 ,i tell you1 ,sister ,stenhouse1 ,i hate her2 and oh1 oh dear1 what shall ,i do now my husband has fallen in love with her60 ,here1 to my infinite astonishment1 she rose from her seat and rushed about the room1 wringing her hands and exclaiming1 8,oh dear6 oh dear60 ,she then threw herself right down on the couch and actually burst into tears1 crying out1 8,oh dear1 what shall ,i do with my ,henry and that girl60 ,after that ,i did not see her for several weeks1 and then ,i accidentally met her in the street1 and asked her why she had not called upon me lately4 8,oh1 ,sister ,stenhouse10 she said1 8,i'm delighted to see you6 ,you've been constantly in my thoughts1 but ,i've been so hard at work--oh1 so busy1 that ,i really had not time for anything--not even to apostatize4 ,then1 too1 you see ,i've had my hands full4 ,if you want to make a man slight one woman and get tired of her1 there's nothing like putting a nicer woman than her in his way4 ,so ,i reconsidered the matter and resolved1 cost what it might1 ,i'd get another wife for my husband right away4 ,i don't care now whether she's old or young1 ugly or pretty1 so long as she cuts out that detestable red-headed girl4 ,i've run all over the town and rushed about here and there1 all for his sake1 though he'll never be grateful for it2 and now at last1 do you know1 dear1 ,i really do think ,i've got the girl ,i want4 ,she's all dark--dark hair1 dark eyes1 dark complexion4 ,if he marries her1 as ,i mean him to do1 she'll lead him a fine life1 notwithstanding all her winning ways4 ,i wouldn't stand in his shoes when she's his wife2 but ,i know ,i shall be able to manage her1 for ,i have a deeper insight into character than he has1 and a better command of temper4 ,she'll teach ,miss ,charlotte to keep her place1 and she'll make ,henry mind too4 ,it'll do him good2 ,i've done it all out of love to him1 not a spark of jealousy or ill-feeling1 as you are well aware40 ,the idea of setting one wife against another1 in order to keep the peace1 would appear in the case of my talkative friend to have been successful2 for1 sure enough1 six months after the time of which ,i have just spoken1 her ,henry did marry the dark beauty1 and she and her auburn predecessor presented an interesting contrast when they chanced to appear in the street together in the company of their husband4 ,there did not seem to be much love lost between them4 ,successful in her plans1 and having1 as she said1 now brought her ,henry to reason1 my talkative friend gave up all idea of leaving the ,church1 and when ,i last saw her she said1 8,i'm busy now looking after a likely girl1 for ,i do think a man in my ,henry's position ought to live his religion and have at least seven wives6--seven1 you know1 is such a very lucky number40 ,,chapter ,,xli4 ,,after ,,we ,,left ,,the ,,church--,,interesting ,,facts ,,and ,,figures--,,the ,,mormonism ,,and ,,mormons ,,of ,,to-,,day4 8,the world was all before them where to choose ,their place of rest3 with ,providence their guide1 ,they hand in hand1 with trembling steps and slow1 ,through ,eden took their solitary way40 ,paradise ,lost4 ,when we left the ,mormon ,church1 we were not quite as badly off as were our first parents when they began life1 although in some respects we certainly resembled them4 ,the world was all before us1 and it was necessary that we also should choose a place of rest2 but it was by no means an ,eden from which we were dismissed--or1 rather1 had dismissed ourselves--and in the matter of experience in the thorny ways of that world in which we were about to begin afresh the battle of existence1 we certainly had the advantage over the exiles from ,paradise4 ,the crisis of our own lives had now arrived4 ,the act of sending in our resignation as members of the ,church cut us off from all the associations of the past and all the friendships and pleasant intimacies of so many years4 ,a great gulf divided our by-gone life from the unknown future which lay before us4 ,my husband was now made painfully aware that it was altogether useless for him to attempt to carry on his paper2 for his subscribers1 as ,i before stated1 had been 8counselled0 to discontinue taking it in4 ,the ,daily ,telegraph had had a very large circulation1 but as there was very little money in the ,territory1 the yearly subscriptions were mostly paid at harvest time1 and many of them in grain4 ,at the time1 therefore1 when the paper was finally given up1 the ,mormon people1 as the book-keeper in ,ogden informed me1 owed about twenty thousand dollars2 but when it was discovered that we were 8,apostates10 the majority of them considered that they were released from all obligations on that score1 and my husband being an easy1 generous-minded man1 most of them evaded payment4 ,the idea that1 because we had left the ,church1 no ,saint was bound to pay us any debts which they might happen at the time to owe1 was the natural result of the teachings of the ,tabernacle4 ,apostates are delivered over to 8the buffetings of ,satan10 and the ,saints consider it is their duty to begin in this world their master's work of castigation4 ,any ill turn that can be done to an ,apostate is consequently a good action in the opinion of the ,mormons1 and they neglect no opportunity of showing that these are the sentiments which influence them4 ,although we had now left the ,mormon ,church1 never to return1 my husband could not at once shake off entirely that influence which had so long held him captive4 ,his thoughts and belief1 his hopes and ambitions1 had for a quarter of a century all pointed in one direction1 and the very idea of rebellion on his part against the authority of the ,priesthood1 would1 but a very little while before the time of which ,i speak1 have been considered by him an utter impossibility4 ,it was impossible1 in a few short months only1 to undo the work of five-and-twenty years--the best years of his life4 ,he could no longer remain in the ,church or conscientiously support ,brigham ,young2 but he had not outgrown ,mormonism sufficiently to enable him to throw off the yoke entirely and make his paper an opponent of ,brigham and his faith4 ,could he have done so1 ,i think it is highly probable that the ,telegraph might yet have been saved1 for ,i know that many of the more influential of the ,gentiles would have aided him materially in such a course4 ,as it was1 nothing remained but to give it up with the best grace he could4 ,two offers in reference to the paper were received by ,mr4 ,stenhouse1 and it remained for him to decide which he would accept4 ,one of them came from a ,gentile1 who proposed to run it in opposition to ,brigham ,young1 and the other came from a certain ,mr4 ,fuller1 who had for some time been my husband's travelling agent1 and was a very intimate friend of ,john ,w4 ,young1 ,brigham's youngest son by his first wife4 ,we knew that this ,mr4 ,fuller had nothing beyond his salary2 but1 as the friend of ,brigham's son1 we thought that probably it was the ,prophet's wish that he should have this paper1 and we believed that he was simply buying it for the ,church4 ,my husband argued that1 although he could no longer unite with the ,mormons1 he could at least refrain from doing them any injury2 he therefore concluded that1 rather than let the paper go into the hands of an avowed enemy1 he would sell it to ,mr4 ,fuller1 who1 on account of his friendship for the ,prophet's family1 would1 he presumed1 try to be just to the people4 ,this1 no doubt1 was very conscientious and just1 although1 of course1 no ,mormon would give my husband credit for entertaining such sentiments4 ,for my own part1 ,i naturally wished him to accept the offer that would pay him best1 which was that made by the ,gentile4 ,he could not1 however1 bring his mind to do this4 ,the paper1 therefore1 was sold to ,mr4 ,fuller1 who ran it for a few months and then himself ran away1 leaving behind him debts enough to swallow up everything4 ,thus ended the ,telegraph under that name1 but destined1 however1 to rise again as the ,salt ,lake ,herald--a paper devoted to the interests of ,brigham and the ,priesthood4 ,to my husband it was an utter loss1 but it was hardly fair that his conscientious conduct should meet with such an ill return4 ,it was now necessary that some steps should be taken to provide for our family4 ,the reader may1 perhaps1 remember that when we first arrived in ,salt ,lake ,city1 as ,i stated1 ,i myself engaged in business until my husband was able to find some suitable and profitable employment4 ,when the ,telegraph1 however1 was established and proved such a great success1 and we were in a position of affluence1 ,i considered--the pressure of necessity being removed--that ,i should do well to resign my own business connection and employ my time more profitably in domestic affairs4 ,this was a great relief to me1 for ,i always felt considerable repugnance to mixing with the world in the way of business1 while among my children and attending to their wants and interests ,i found myself in my own legitimate sphere4 ,but there was now no alternative4 ,all interest in the ,telegraph had been resigned2 my husband's property had been wasted in an attempt to keep it up1 and he had nothing now to depend upon4 ,something must be done1 and ,i resolved that ,i would not be backward in bearing my full share of the burden4 ,it was only natural that we should feel very much unsettled in mind by the great change which had taken place in our position1 for it is no easy matter to cut asunder the ties and associations of a lifetime4 ,any one suddenly changing his religious faith would1 to a certain extent1 feel and understand what ,i mean in this respect4 ,but in reference to any ordinary religion1 the person forsaking it would probably experience comparatively little alteration in his every-day life4 ,in ,mormonism it is very different1 especially to any one who has occupied a prominent position among the ,saints4 ,to resign our religion was to revolutionize our lives4 ,everything was changed3 the friends of years would look coldly on us and avoid us2 persons whom we had before shunned as ,gentiles or ,apostates would be the only individuals who would regard us with favour2 our entire position in the midst of a most exclusive community was completely reversed2 in a word1 we ourselves were now 8,apostates60 ,thinking to turn the current of his thoughts1 and believing that change would be beneficial to him1 ,i suggested to my husband that he should pay a visit to the ,eastern ,states4 ,in ,new ,york ,i believed he could find employment which would help to divert his thoughts from ,mormon affairs1 and1 at the same time1 would be profitable to him in other respects4 ,my suggestion was acted upon1 and my husband set out ,east1 while ,i prepared to engage again in the same business which ,i had formerly conducted so successfully4 ,now1 for the first time since ,i embraced ,mormonism1 ,i mixed freely with ,gentiles and those who had left the ,church1 and it was not long before ,i found that this intercourse with the outer world produced a marked and decided effect upon my mind4 ,my views were enlarged1 and my thoughts became more liberal in their tone4 ,my husband's letters showed me that a similar change was taking place in him4 ,we were not the only ,apostates from the ,church at that time4 ,the ,new ,movement1 as the reaction against the tyranny of ,brigham ,young was called1 was then in progress2 and the minds of all intelligent ,saints were led to reflect upon the unheard-of claims of ,brigham's 8,infallible0 ,priesthood4 ,at this time the ,prophet endeavoured to rivet still more firmly the fetters which bound his deluded followers1 by establishing 8,zion's ,co-operative ,mercantile ,institution0 and reviving the 8,order of ,enoch40 ,the ,co-operative ,institution was announced as a joint-stock concern1 established under the pretence that it would be a benefit to the working classes1 and all the members of the ,church were invited to purchase shares1 which were sold at twenty-five dollars each4 ,the statement so often made by ,brigham and repeated by strangers1 to the effect that the exorbitant prices charged by ,gentile merchants necessitated the establishment of such an institution was1 as every ,mormon knows1 only a pretence1 and a very shallow one too2 for the ,walker ,brothers and other merchants had1 for many years1 supplied goods to ,mormons and ,gentiles alike1 at what1 under the circumstances1 were reasonable and just prices2 for the railway not then being constructed1 and every article of commerce being of necessity carried across the ,plains--a distance of over a thousand miles--by horse-teams1 prices were1 of course1 very high1 and would1 if this circumstance were not taken into consideration1 appear extortionate4 ,in fact1 subsequently1 the 8,co-operative0 stores1 which had started with high rates1 under the belief that every rival would be crushed1 were compelled to lower their prices to those of the ,walker ,brothers1 or1 in spite of their faith1 the ,mormons would have forsaken ,brigham's ,institution for the sake of their pockets4 ,many1 in fact1 did secretly go to ,gentile stores1 but they were watched by the police and reported to the teachers4 ,that large ,mormon store1 in which ,brigham ,young had such a heavy interest1 was to become the parent establishment--the fountain-head from which temporal blessings1 in the shape of cheap goods of every description1 were to flow unto the people4 ,each ,ward was to have its own store1 and there the ,saints of that ,ward were expected to deal exclusively1 and1 as the teachers said1 8keep off ,main street where the ,gentile stores were located40 ,these ,ward-stores purchased their goods from the parent store1 where nothing was sold by retail4 ,all the lesser ,mormon merchants were 8counselled0 to sell out their stock to the ,church1 for just what the ,church chose to offer them1 or dispose of it otherwise as best they could1 and then they might go farming1 or on mission1 or anything else2 but sell out they must1 for they were plainly told that they would not be allowed to carry on business in opposition to the new ,institution4 ,now1 instead of benefiting the poorer ,saints1 by supplying goods to them at a small advance upon cost prices1 as was at first proclaimed to be the object of the 8,co-op0--as the ,institution was briefly and familiarly called--the reverse was the case1 for competition was altogether banished4 ,all the trade of the ,gentile merchants--with one or two exceptions--was forcibly taken from them1 for the people were not to trade in any store without first looking to see if the sign of the ,institution--a picture of 8,the ,all-seeing ,eye10 and the words 8,holiness unto the ,lord0 were over the doorway4 ,how often ,i have seen groups of country people straggling along1 with their heads thrown back and their eyes straining aloft in eager quest of that sign1 although perhaps their purchases would only amount to a few yards of ribbon or a paper of pins6 ,no one can predict what the ,church--otherwise ,brigham--will do1 if money should chance to tempt him4 ,in this case1 the parent ,co-operative store turned1 as ,i might say1 traitor to the ,ward-stores--its own children--for no sooner had they all been established1 and had bought up all the old stock from the parent store1 than it was whispered abroad that the latter was about to open in the retail line with a splendid stock of new goods--to suit the ,gentiles1 of course2 for the ,saints were not allowed to trade outside of their own ,ward-stores1 where they were expected to buy up all the old goods4 ,in fact1 in order to gain ,gentile trade and fill the pockets of ,brigham and the leading ,elders who really constituted the ,institution 7and do so still71 the same prices were asked at the parent store as had been charged the poor confiding stock-holders of the ,ward-stores at wholesale4 ,this1 of course1 caused great dissatisfaction1 and many of the ,saints rebelled1 declaring they would go where they pleased to spend their money1 when they had any to spend4 ,the ,ward-stores1 in consequence1 were obliged1 at great loss1 to lower their prices1 and many were utterly ruined4 ,others which had more capital tided over the difficulty1 and learned a lesson concerning the honesty of the ,church leaders which it is to be hoped did them good4 ,as an example of the way in which matters were managed1 ,i may instance a very old and infirm woman who was one of their victims4 ,she came to me one day and said1 8,sister ,stenhouse1 will you buy out my stock in the ,co-operative store8 ,our store has failed1 and ,i have my twenty-five dollars' worth in my basket4 ,i pitied her and asked her to let me see her stock1 and thereupon she brought out a pound and a half of nails6 ,i did buy out her stock1 for ,i thought that the nails might be handy to have in the house1 although ,i did not give her twenty-five dollars for them4 ,another person--a ,frenchman1 whom ,i knew--bought a share1 and when he saw certain ruin looming over his ,ward-store1 he went to the head-quarters and purchased twenty-five dollars' worth of goods1 and having got them all secured1 laid down his shareholders' receipt in payment and beat a hasty retreat4 ,he was a fortunate man and acted prudently1 but alas6 for the poor souls who ventured all their little savings in these ,church 8,institutions0 and then were left to poverty and starvation4 ,about this time1 also1 it was that the ,mormon women1 under the auspices of ,eliza ,r4 ,snow and the ,female ,relief ,society1 got up a petition to ,mrs4 ,grant1 begging her to use her influence with the ,president in favour of a toleration of ,polygamy4 ,the names to that petition were affixed without any reference to propriety or right4 ,hundreds of names were copied from the books of the ,society without any permission being obtained1 or even asked1 of their owners4 ,it was then1 as ,i before stated1 that the names of the dead were actually added as subscribers to the petition2 and in one case1 when a lady mentioned that her dead daughter had never belonged to the ,church1 as she died before her mother heard of ,mormonism1 she was told that her daughter would now1 of course1 have found out that ,polygamy was the true order of domestic life in heaven1 and that she would certainly be willing to subscribe if she could return to earth4 ,her name was1 therefore1 added without any further ceremony1 although she had been dead a good many years4 ,in ,january1 #ahgb1 a counter-petition was got up by the ,gentile and ,apostate ladies4 ,it set forth the cruel bondage which ,polygamy inflicts upon women2 spoke of the heartless conduct of the ,mormon leaders1 and of the murders and other foul crimes which had been committed by them or at their instigation2 showed that1 should ,utah become a ,state1 under the name of ,deseret--which has ever been the ambition of ,brigham ,young--there would be no protection for life or property2 stated that the authorities themselves had declared that when statehood was conferred1 ,gentiles and ,apostates would have good cause to tremble2 and1 finally1 prayed the ,national ,government to stretch forth its long arm of power for the defence and protection of honest and law-abiding citizens4 ,this petition was signed by four hundred and forty ladies of ,utah1 most of them members of the ,mormon ,church1 whose real names were all fairly and openly affixed by their own selves4 ,it was presented to the ,senate by the ,hon4 ,schuyler ,colfax--then ,vice-,president2 was read1 discussed1 and ordered to be printed4 ,as might be supposed1 it excited a great deal of angry discussion on the part of the ,church authorities2 and the following ,sundays the names of those who had signed were read out in the ,tabernacle1 and strong remarks made upon their conduct1 in order to intimidate them and prevent others from following their example4 ,the consequence was that many of their husbands and sons were threatened with loss of employment1 and they were thus forced to retract4 ,that same year a bill was brought into the ,territorial ,legislature1 providing that boys of fifteen years of age and girls of twelve might legally contract marriage1 with the consent of their parents or guardians6 ,in stating this disgraceful fact1 ,i feel certain that the reader who has never lived among the ,saints1 and is not versed in ,utah affairs1 will think that ,i must be mistaken in what ,i say4 ,it is1 however1 ,i am sorry to say1 only too true1 and the records of the ,legislature will bear me witness4 ,with the exception of the little literary efforts which ,i have made from time to time to expose through the press the iniquity of the 8,celestial ,order of ,marriage10 no event of more than personal and private interest has1 since ,i left the ,mormon ,church1 interrupted the even tenor of my life4 ,last year1 however1 ,i was able to deal another blow--weak1 it might be1 but still it was a blow--directed at that false system against which ,i have sworn eternal enmity4 ,i lectured upon ,mormon ,polygamy in ,washington and ,boston1 and other large cities1 and attempted in my humble way to attract the attention of the ,gentile world to the iniquities of that terrible superstition which1 in ,utah1 has degraded womanhood and wrecked the happiness of thousands of my deluded sisters4 ,i met with sympathy everywhere2 and then1 as now1 ,i resolved that efforts like these ,i would never relax until1 if ,god spared my life1 ,i should see the last stone in the fabric of ,mormonism overturned and ,mormon ,polygamy counted among the sins and follies of the past4 ,his literary work accomplished1 my husband returned to ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,looking back over the past1 our ,missionary life and our faith in ,brighamism seems like a dream1 so difficult is it for us to realize that we ever submitted our souls to the slavery of the ,priesthood or placed any credence in that mass of folly1 superstition1 and licentiousness1 known as ,mormonism4 ,during all his efforts to obey counsel and build up a 8kingdom10 my husband1 ,i know1 never ceased to love me4 ,for the misery which he then1 in--as ,i firmly believe--his conscientious endeavours to live his religion1 inflicted upon me1 ,i have long ago freely and fully forgiven him4 ,i think that during all that time he never ceased to entertain the fondest affection for me2 and1 if he was foolishly confiding in those who he believed were divinely authorized and speaking by inspiration1 can ,i blame him when ,i remember that ,i myself was actuated by the same faith8 ,it was impossible to obliterate utterly the education and influences of a whole life's experience4 ,that wall of partition--,polygamy--which separated my husband from me for so many years1 is now for ever broken down4 ,but the effects of ,mormonism will1 no doubt1 though unconsciously to ourselves1 tinge the whole of our future life4 ,we can never forget the past4 ,the mournful sympathy which1 according to the poet1 the ,peri at the gate of ,paradise expressed over the sins and sorrows of humanity1 might1 with a slight variation1 be applied to our own lives3-- 8#8,poor race of men6' said the pitying spirit1 #8,dearly ye pay for your primal fall2 ,some traces of ,eden ye still inherit1 ,but the trail of the serpent is over them all4'0 ,l',,envoi4 ,in the preceding pages ,i have endeavoured to present to the reader the story of my life's experience in ,mormonism and ,polygamy1 and to place before him a truthful picture of the doctrines and practices of the ,saints4 ,two objects influenced my mind when ,i first proposed to write this volume4 ,in the first place1 ,i earnestly desired to stir up my ,mormon sisters to a just sense of their own position4 ,i longed to make them feel1 as ,i do1 the cruel degradation1 the humiliating tyranny1 which ,polygamy inflicts4 ,i wanted to arouse them to a sense of their own womanhood1 and a just appreciation of those rights and duties which1 as women1 ,god has conferred upon them4 ,i was anxious that they should understand and know the inconsistency and folly of that superstitious faith by which they have been so egregiously deluded2 that they might learn to hate and loathe the falsely-named 8,celestial0 system of marriage2 and rising in honest indignation and disgust against the tyranny of the oppressor1 break asunder the yoke of bondage1 cast from them for ever the moral1 religious1 and social fetters wherewith they are bound1 and1 walking in the light of truth1 assert their perfect equality with their sons1 their husbands1 their fathers1 and their brethren1 and henceforth claim and occupy that position which ,god assigned them1 and which by right is theirs6 ,in the second place1 ,i was anxious to enlist for them the sympathy of the ,gentile world4 ,most strenuous efforts have been made1 large sums of money have been spent1 and secret intrigues1 as well as open and honourable negotiations1 have been carried on for the purpose of obtaining admission for ,utah into the ,union1 under the title of ,the ,state of ,deseret4 ,the name 8,deseret0 itself is taken from the ,book of ,mormon1 and is said to signify in the celestial tongue a honey-bee2 wherefore it is that the escutcheon of ,utah ,territory is a bee-hive2 and to grant that name 8,deseret0 alone would be a concession to ,mormon superstition4 ,out here in the ,valley of the ,great ,salt ,lake we are perfectly well aware that1 with ,utah once admitted as a ,state1 it would be almost impossible for ,gentiles to live peaceably and safely among the ,mormons2 and of this fact their leading men and their official organs have repeatedly boasted4 ,with ,utah as a ,state1 the enslavement of the people to the ,priesthood would be complete1 and the cruel bondage of ,polygamy would be rivetted a thousand times more firmly upon the unfortunate women4 ,i was anxious1 therefore1 to attract the attention of ,congress and the nation at large to these facts2 that thus1 when ,mormon bills and ,mormon petitions1 replete with falsified statistics1 and perverted1 and--in many instances--utterly untrue1 statements are presented to the ,national ,legislature1 neither the representatives of the nation nor the nation itself might be deceived thereby4 ,these were the two objects which ,i had proposed to myself in writing my own experience as a wife and mother among the ,mormons1 and ,i trust to some extent at least ,i have realized them4 ,i send forth this little book with many earnest prayers and many heartfelt aspirations that my ,mormon sisters may be benefited thereby4 ,out of the evil which man originates1 ,god alone can produce good2 and ,i trust that my feeble attempt to portray the cruel wrong which ,polygamy inflicts upon the women of ,utah may excite the sympathy of every man and woman whose influence may avail to hasten that time when this relic of ancient barbarism may be utterly rooted out before the advancing civilization of the age4 ,the night--the gloomy night of superstition--cannot last for ever4 ,already there are signs of the coming dawn4 ,the time1 ,i trust and pray1 will not long be delayed when the veil shall be removed from the eyes of the enslaved men and women of our modern ,zion1 and they shall cast aside for ever the yoke of the ,priesthood4 ,i trust that ,i shall yet live to see the day when the ,mormon wives and mothers shall awake to a sense of their position and responsibilities1 shall understand that ,god never required that their womanhood should be degraded1 their love crushed out1 and the holiest instincts of their nature perverted2 ,i trust to see them assert their inalienable rights--their womanly prerogatives--their very birthright itself2 ,i trust to see them shake off the slavery of that cruel superstition which has so long held them captive2 ,i trust to see them take their places side by side with ,gentile matrons--the honoured wives and mothers of the men of ,utah2 ,i trust to see that dark shadow banished from their features1 banished from their hearts1 banished from their lives2 ,i trust to see them ,,free6 ,full of love for them--my sisters1 my friends1 the companions of my life hitherto1 whose religion was once my own1 whose hopes and joys ,i have shared1 whose sorrows and trials have been also mine--with hopeful prayer ,i lay down my pen and present my labours to the world4 ,and if my humble efforts shall have conduced1 even in the smallest degree1 to keep one sister from entering into this sinful 8,order02 if they shall have aroused the women of ,utah to investigate the foundations of their faith1 to calmly and impartially consider the iniquities of the system of ,polygamy1 to renounce the man-made slavery of the 8,celestial ,order02 if ,i shall be found to have awakened in the minds of thinking men and women a hatred for the licentious doctrine which enslaves the wives and daughters of the ,saints2 if ,i have to any extent enlisted active1 practical sympathy in their behalf1 ,i shall feel that my endeavours have been abundantly rewarded1 and that my labours have not been bestowed in vain4 ,,postscript4 ,the publication of this book has probably contributed more to bring the terrible realities of ,mormon life to the knowledge of the public1 and to hasten their day of judgment1 than has any other human agency4 ,the officers of justice in ,utah were from that time urged to bring the notorious criminals to justice1 but many well-contrived plans for their arrest failed in the accomplishment4 ,unexpectedly1 ,john ,d4 ,lee1 the hero of the ,mountain ,meadows ,massacre1 was1 while visiting one of his wives1 surprised and placed under confinement in the ,u4,s4 ,military ,fort near ,beaver ,city4 ,in the summer of #ahge a lengthy trial ensued1 and as there were ,mormons among the jurors1 they failed to agree in a verdict4 ,public indignation grew intensely against the system of falsehood constantly practised by the ,mormon jurors1 when the ,church or any of its leaders were interested in the courts1 and a second trial of ,john ,d4 ,lee was earnestly demanded4 ,during his first trial the ,apostle ,george ,a4 ,smith1 ,brigham's favourite and counsellor1 who was undoubtedly the instrument through whom ,lee and his associates had been 8counselled0 to destroy the emigrants1 was still living1 and to screen him it was necessary that ,lee should escape the penalty of his crime4 ,between the first and second trials of ,john ,d4 ,lee1 ,smith died1 and ,lee might now confess what he pleased1 for the link in the chain of communication from ,brigham ,young to the murderers was for ever broken4 ,continually striving to gain the admission of ,utah into the ,union as a ,state1 and being always met with a repulse based upon the wholesale murder crimes in ,utah that had gone unpunished1 ,brigham1 having no longer anything to fear from ,lee's confessions of his 7,brigham's7 complicity in the ,mountain ,meadows ,massacre1 resolved to sacrifice ,lee to appease the public clamour2 accordingly the testimony from eye-witnesses was overwhelming1 and ,lee was condemned by his own ,mormon brethren1 who for nearly twenty years had carried in their minds this guilty evidence4 ,lee was sentenced to be executed on the #bcrd of ,march1 #ahgg1 and as he had the choice of the manner of his death1 he elected to be shot4 ,the court so approved1 and ordered him to be1 on the day named1 taken to the ,mountain ,meadows1 where the great slaughter of the innocent men1 women1 and children1 had been consummated1 to there meet his doom4 ,how truthfully ,i had told the story of this great crime will be seen in the confession of ,lee before his execution2 and what a dreadful commentary that document is on the ,mormon ,priesthood will be apparent to every intelligent reader4 ,under the name of a ,prophet of ,jesus ,christ1 ,brigham ,young could rule with unchallenged sway hundreds of thousands of honest men and women1 who were born of ,christian parents1 and trained in the civilized customs of ,europe and ,america6 ,it would seem impossible1 yet it is within this book revealed to be an astounding and humiliating fact4 ,in the escort conducting ,lee to the place of execution there were in all about eighty persons1 one of whom was a photographer1 who deemed the circumstance worthy perpetuation by the unerring camera4 ,from one of those present ,i copy the sketch of the ending of ,john ,d4 ,lee4 ,it was ,friday morning when the party stopped at their destination1 and ,lee was immediately ordered to descend from the waggon in which he rode1 which he did without delay4 ,marshal ,nelson then read the orders of the court regarding the execution1 and when the reading was concluded1 ,lee was asked if he had anything to say4 ,just at this moment the photographer was arranging his camera to take a picture of the prisoner4 ,lee caught sight of him1 and pointing to him said1 8,i want to see that man10 and added in a louder voice1 addressed to the photographer1 8,come over here40 ,mr4 ,fennimore1 the artist1 replied1 8,in a second1 ,mr4 ,lee10 and very soon after was by the side of ,lee1 who said1-- 8,i want to ask a favour of you1 sir2 ,i want you to furnish each of my three wives with a copy of the photograph--one to ,rachel ,a41 ,emma ,b41 and ,sarah ,c40 ,he had had in all eighteen wives2 but only the three named remained4 ,rachel was the oldest and most faithful to his interests4 ,the artist consented to do as he had been requested1 and ,lee then sat for his picture1 which was successfully taken4 ,then he arose and1 looking over those standing about1 said1-- 8,i have but little to say this morning4 ,of course1 ,i feel that ,i am upon the brink of eternity1 and the solemnity of eternity should rest upon my mind at the present moment4 ,i have made out1 or endeavoured to do so1 a manuscript and an abridged history of my life4 ,this will be published4 ,sir1 turning to ,district ,attorney ,howard ,i have given my views and feelings with regard to all these things4 ,i feel resigned to my fate4 ,i feel as calm as a summer morning4 ,i have done nothing adversely wrong4 ,my conscience is clear before ,god and man1 and ,i am ready to meet my ,redeemer4 ,this it is that places me on this field4 ,i am not an infidel2 ,i have not denied ,god or ,his mercy4 ,i am a strong believer in these things4 ,the most ,i regret is parting with my family4 ,many of them are unprotected1 and will be left fatherless4 ,when ,i speak of those little ones1 they touch a tender chord within me40 ,at this moment his voice trembled1 and he perceptibly faltered in his words4 ,he continued1 however1 as follows3-- 8,i have done nothing designedly wrong in this affair4 ,i used my utmost endeavours to save those people4 ,i would have given worlds were they at my command to have avoided that calamity1 but ,i could not4 ,i am sacrificed to satisfy feelings1 and am used to gratify parties2 but ,i am ready to die4 ,i have no fear of death4 ,it has no terrors for me2 and no particle of mercy have ,i asked for from court or officials to spare my life4 ,i do not fear death4 ,i shall never go to a worse place than the one ,i am now in4 ,i have said it to my family1 and ,i will say it to-day1 that the ,government of the ,united ,states sacrifices their best friend1 and that is saying a great deal2 but it is true4 ,i am a true believer in the ,gospel of ,jesus ,christ4 ,i do not believe everything that is now practised and taught by ,brigham ,young4 ,i do not agree with him4 ,i believe he is leading his people astray4 ,but ,i believe in the gospel as taught in its purity by ,joseph ,smith in former days4 ,i have my reasons for saying this4 ,i used to make this man's will my pleasure 7evidently alluding to ,brigham ,young71 and did so for thirty years4 ,see how and what ,i have come to this day6 ,i have been sacrificed in a cowardly1 dastardly manner4 ,there are thousands of people in the ,church--honourable1 good-hearted--whom ,i cherish in my heart4 ,i regret to leave my family4 ,they are near and dear to me4 ,these are things to rouse my sympathy4 ,i declare ,i did nothing designedly wrong in this unfortunate affair4 ,i did everything in my power to save all emigrants1 but ,i am the one that must suffer4 ,having said this ,i feel resigned4 ,i ask the ,lord1 my ,god1 to extend ,his mercy to me and receive my spirit4 ,my labours are here done40 ,this ceremony1 altogether1 had occupied about an hour1 and it was now close upon eleven o'clock4 ,the sun1 which had been fitfully bright during the morning1 had become veiled behind a passing cloud1 yet the sky was only partially overcast1 as down the horizon were bright streaks of golden light2 and the effect of light and shadow1 as portrayed upon the scene1 soon to culminate in the execution of the law1 was one that seemed to be in full harmony with the painful silence that prevailed4 ,then it was that the words upon the rude monument1 which once had stood to mark the spot of the massacre1 came out with vivid force-- 8,vengeance is mine1 ,i will repay1 saith the ,lord40 ,the stillness of the occasion was broken by ,lee's seating himself1 according to orders1 upon the coffin provided for his burial4 ,he tried to appear calm as he faced the squad of soldiers whose rifles were soon to discharge their contents into his body4 ,a ,methodist preacher1 ,parson ,stokes1 then knelt beside the coffin and offered a short prayer1 following which a white handkerchief was placed over ,lee's eyes4 ,while the marshal was arranging the handkerchief1 ,lee said in a low but firm tone of voice--8,let them shoot the balls through my heart2 don't let them mangle my body40 ,he was assured that the aim would be as true as possible1 and the marshal then stepped back and gave his order to the five riflemen who had been selected to do the work1-- 8,,ready6 ,,aim6 ,,fire60 ,the men made ready by raising their weapons to the shoulder1 and then took deliberate aim at the blindfolded man1 who was about twenty feet off1 and at the word 8fire60 the volley was discharged1 with but a single sound perceptible to the ear1 and ,lee fell back upon the coffin1 dead1 without a cry or even a moan4 ,he was shot through the heart1 as he had hoped to be1 and died instantly4 ,the marshal1 after a few moments1 viewed the body1 and said3 8,he is quite dead2 the law is satisfied at last40 ,,chapter ,,xliv4 ,,mountain ,,meadows ,,massacre--,,complete ,,confession ,,of ,,bishop ,,john ,d4 ,,lee4 ,in the month of ,september1 #aheg1 the company of emigrants1 known as the 8,arkansas ,company10 arrived at ,parowan1 ,iron county1 ,utah1 on their way to ,california4 ,at ,parowan young ,aden1 one of the company1 saw and recognized one ,william ,laney1 a ,mormon resident of ,parowan4 ,aden and his father had rescued ,laney from an anti-,mormon mob in ,tennessee several years before1 and saved his life4 ,he 7,laney7 at the time he was attacked by the mob was a ,mormon missionary in ,tennessee4 ,laney was glad to see his friend and benefactor1 and invited him to his house and gave him some 8garden sauce0 to take back to the camp with him4 ,the same evening1 it was reported to ,bishop 7,colonel7 ,dame1 that ,laney had given potatoes and onions to the man ,aden1 one of the emigrants4 ,when the report was made to ,bishop ,dame1 he raised his hand and crooked his little finger in a significant manner to one ,barney ,carter1 his brother-in-law1 and one of the 8,angels of ,death40 ,carter1 without another word1 walked out1 went to ,laney's house with a long picket in his hand1 called ,laney out and struck him a heavy blow on the head1 fracturing his skull1 and left him on the ground for dead4 ,c4 ,y4 ,webb and ,isaac ,naoman1 ,president of the 8,high ,council10 both told me they saw ,dame's manuvres4 ,james ,mc,guffee1 then a resident of ,parowan1 but through oppression has been forced to leave there and is now a merchant in ,pahranagat ,valley1 near ,pioche1 ,nev41 knows these facts4 ,about the last of ,august1 #aheg1 some ten days before the ,mountain ,meadows ,massacre1 the company of emigrants passed through ,cedar ,city4 ,george ,a4 ,smith1 then first counsellor in the ,church and ,brigham ,young's right-hand man1 came down from ,salt ,lake ,city1 preaching to the different settlements4 ,i at that time was in ,washington county1 near where ,st4 ,george now stands4 ,he sent for me4 ,i went to him and he asked me to take him to ,cedar ,city by way of ,fort ,clara and ,pinto settlements1 as he was on business and must visit all the settlements4 ,we started on our way up through the canyon4 ,we saw herds of ,indians1 and he 7,george ,a4 ,smith7 remarked to me that these ,indians1 with the advantages they had of the rocks1 could use up a large company of emigrants1 or make it very hot for them4 ,after pausing for a short time he said to me1 8,brother ,lee1 what do you think the brethren would do if a company of emigrants should come down through here making threats8 ,don't you think they would pitch into them80 ,i replied that 8they certainly would40 ,this seemed to please him1 and he again said to me1 8,and you really think the brethren would pitch into them80 8,i certainly do10 was my reply1 8and you had better instruct ,colonel ,dame and ,haight to tend to it that the emigrants are permitted to pass1 if you want them to pass unmolested40 ,he continued1 8,i asked ,isaac 7meaning ,haight7 the same question1 and he answered me just as you do1 and ,i expect the boys would pitch into them40 ,i again said to him that he had better say to ,gov4 ,young that if he wants emigrant companies to pass without molestation that he must instruct ,col4 ,dame or ,major ,haight to that effect2 for if they are not ordered otherwise they will use them up by the help of the ,indians4 ,he told the people at the ,clara not to sell their grain to the emigrants1 nor to feed it to their animals1 as they might expect a big fight the next spring with the ,united ,states4 ,president ,young did not intend to let the troops into the territory4 ,he said3 8,we are going to stand up for our rights1 and will no longer be imposed upon by our enemies1 and want every man to be on hand with his gun in good order and his powder dry10 and instructed the people to part with nothing that would sustain life4 ,from the #ast to the #ajth of ,september1 #aheg1 a messenger came to me--his name was ,sam ,wood--and told me that ,president ,isaac ,c4 ,haight wanted me to be at ,cedar ,city that evening without fail4 ,this was ,saturday4 ,he told me that a large company of emigrants had gone south4 ,i think he lived at ,harmony1 twenty miles south of ,cedar ,city4 ,i obeyed the summons4 ,president ,haight met me4 ,it was near sundown4 ,we spent the night in an open house on some blankets1 where we talked most all night4 ,he told me that a company of emigrants had passed through some two days before1 threatening the ,mormons with destruction1 and that one of them had said he had helped to kill old ,joe ,smith and his brother ,hyrum1 that other members of the company of emigrants had helped drive the ,mormons out of ,missouri2 that others had said they had come to help ,johnson's army clean the ,mormons out of ,utah2 that they had the halters ready to hang old ,brigham and ,heber1 and would have them strung up before the snow flew2 that one of the emigrants called one of his oxen 7a pair of stags7 8,brig40 and the other 8,heber20 and that several of the emigrants had used all kinds of threats and profanity4 ,john ,m4 ,higbee1 the ,city ,marshal1 had informed them that it was a breach of the city ordinance to use profane language1 whereupon one of them replied that he did not care a ---- for the ,mormon laws or the ,mormons either2 that they had fought their way through the ,indians1 and would do it through the ---- ,mormons2 and if their god1 old ,brigham1 and his priests would not sell their provisions1 by ---- they would take what they wanted any way they could get it2 that thus enraged1 one of them let loose his long whip and killed two chickens1 and threw them into the waggon2 that the widow ,evans said1 8,gentlemen1 those are my chickens2 please don't kill them2 ,i am a poor widow20 that they ordered her to 8shut up10 or they would blow her ---- brains out1 etc42 that they had been raising trouble with all the settlements and ,indians on their way2 that we were threatened on the ,north by ,johnson's army2 that now our safety depended on prompt and immediate action2 that a company of ,indians had already gone ,south from ,parowan and ,cedar ,city to surprise the emigrants1 who were then at the ,mountain ,meadows1 and he wanted me to return home in the morning 7,sunday71 and send ,carl ,schurtz 7,indian interpreter7 from my home 7,harmony71 to raise the ,indians ,south1 at ,harmony1 ,washington1 and ,santa ,clara1 to join the ,indians from the ,north and make the attack upon the emigrants at the ,meadows4 ,i said to him1 8,would it not be well to hold a council of the brethren before making a move80 ,he replied that 8every true ,latter-,day ,saint that regarded their covenants knew well their duty1 and that the company of emigrants had forfeited their lives by their acts10 and that ,bishop ,p4 ,k4 ,smith 7,klingensmith7 and ,joel ,white had already gone by way of ,pinto1 to raise the ,indians in that direction1 and those that had gone from ,parowan and here would make the attack1 and might be repulsed4 8,we can't now delay for a council of the brethren4 ,return immediately1 and start ,carl ,schurtz2 tell him that ,i ordered you to tell him to go2 and ,i want you to try and get there before the attack is made1 and make the plan for the ,indians1 and will send ,nephi ,johnson1 the interpreter1 to the ,meadows as soon as he can be got to help ,carl ,schurtz manage the ,indians40 ,i did just as ,i was ordered4 ,the ,indians from the ,north and about ,harmony had already started for the ,meadows before ,i reached home4 ,schurtz started immediately to do his part4 ,i arrived at home in the night1 and remained till morning4 ,i thought over the matter1 and the more ,i thought the more my feelings revolted against such a horrid deed4 ,sleep had fled from me4 ,i talked to my wife ,rachel about it4 ,she felt as ,i did about it1 and advised me to let them do their own dirty work1 and said that if things did not go just to suit them the blame would be laid on me4 ,she never did believe in blood atonement1 and said it was from the devil1 and that she would rather break such a covenant1 if she had to die for so doing1 than to live and be guilty of doing such an act4 ,i finally concluded that ,i would go2 that ,i would start by daybreak in the morning1 and try to get there before an attack was made on the company1 and use my influence with the ,indians to let them alone4 ,i crossed the mountains by a trail1 and reached the ,meadows between nine and ten in the morning1 the distance from my place being about twenty-five miles4 ,but ,i was too late4 ,the attack had been made just before daybreak in the morning1 the ,indians repulsed1 with one killed and two of their chiefs from ,cedar ,city shot through the legs1 breaking a leg for each of them4 ,the ,indians were in a terrible rage4 ,i went to some of them that were in a ravine4 ,they told me to go to the main body1 or they would kill me for not coming before the attack was made4 ,while ,i was standing there ,i received a shot just above the belt1 cutting through my clothes to the skin1 some six inches across4 ,the ,indians with whom ,i was talking lived with me at ,harmony4 ,i was ,indian ,farmer4 ,they told me ,i was in danger1 and to get down into the ravine4 ,i said that it was impossible for me to do anything there1 and ,i dare not venture to the camp of the emigrants without endangering my life4 ,i mounted my horse and started south to meet ,carl ,schurtz4 ,i travelled sixteen miles and stopped on the ,megotsy to bait my animal1 as there was good grass and water4 ,i had rode over forty miles without eating or drinking4 ,this is the place where ,mr4 ,tobin met his assassinators4 ,about sunset ,i saw ,schurtz and some ten or fifteen white men and about one hundred and fifty ,indians4 ,we camped4 ,during the night the ,indians left for the ,meadows4 ,i reported to the men what had taken place4 ,they attacked the emigrants again1 about sunrise the next morning1 which was ,tuesday1 and had one of their number killed and several wounded4 ,i1 with the white men1 reached the ,meadows about one o'clock p4m4 ,on the way we met a small band of ,indians returning1 with some eighteen or twenty head of cattle4 ,one of the ,indians was wounded in the shoulder4 ,they told me that the ,indians were encamped east of the emigrants1 at some springs4 ,on our arrival at the springs we found some two hundred ,indians1 among whom were the two wounded chiefs1 ,moqueetus and ,bill4 ,the ,indians were in a high state of excitement2 had killed many cattle and horses belonging to the company4 ,i counted sixty head near their encampment1 that they had killed in revenge for the wounding of their men4 ,by the assistance of ,oscar ,hamblin 7brother of ,jacob ,hamblin7 and ,schurtz1 we succeeded in getting the ,indians to desist from killing any more stock that night4 ,the company of emigrants had corraled all their waggons but one for better defence4 ,this corral was about one hundred yards above the springs4 ,this they did to get away from the ravine and from the rocks on the west4 ,the attack was renewed that night by the ,indians1 in spite of all we could do to prevent it4 ,when the attack commenced1 ,oscar ,hamblin1 ,william ,young1 and myself started to go to the ,indians4 ,when opposite the corral1 on the north1 the bullets came around us like a shower of hail4 ,we had two ,indians with us to pilot us2 they threw themselves flat on the ground to protect themselves from the bullets4 ,i stood erect and asked my ,father in heaven to protect me from the missiles of death1 and enable me to reach the ,indians4 ,one ball passed through my hat and the hair of my head1 and another through my shirt1 grazing my arm near the shoulder4 ,a most hideous yell of the ,indians commenced4 ,the cries and shrieks of the women and children so overcame me that ,i forgot my danger and rushed through the fire to the ,indians1 and pleaded with them1 in tears1 to desist4 ,i told them that the ,great ,spirit would be angry with them for killing women and little children4 ,they told me to leave or they would serve me the same way1 and that ,i was not their friend1 but a friend of their enemies2 that ,i was a squaw1 and did not have the heart of a brave1 and that ,i could not see blood shed without crying like a baby1 and called me cry-baby1 and by that name ,i am known by all the ,indians to this day4 ,i owe my life on that occasion to ,oscar ,hamblin1 who was a missionary with the ,indians1 and had much influence with the ,santa ,clara ,indians4 ,they were the ones that wanted to kill me4 ,hamblin shamed them1 and called them dogs and wolves for wanting to shed the blood of their father 7myself71 who had fed and clothed them4 ,we finally prevailed on them to return to camp1 where we would hold a council2 that ,i would send for big ,captains to come and talk4 ,we told them that they had punished the emigrants enough1 and may be they had killed nearly all of them4 ,we told them that ,bishop ,dame and ,president ,haight would come1 and may be they would give them part of the cattle1 and let the company go with the teams4 ,in this way we reconciled them to suspend hostilities for the present4 ,the two that had been with ,hamblin and myself the night before said they had seen two men on horseback come out of the emigrant's camp under full speed1 and that they went toward ,cedar ,city4 ,wednesday morning ,i asked a man--,i think his name was ,edwards--to go to ,cedar ,city and say to ,president ,haight1 for ,god's sake1 for my sake1 and for the sake of suffering humanity1 to send out men to rescue that company4 ,this day we all lay still1 waiting orders4 ,occasionally a few of the ,indians withdrew1 taking a few head of animals with them4 ,about noon ,i crossed the valley north of the corral1 thinking to examine their location from the west range4 ,the company recognized me as a white man1 and sent two little boys1 about four years old1 to meet me4 ,i hid from them1 fearing the ,indians1 who discovered the children4 ,i called the ,indians1 who wanted my gun or ammunition to kill them4 ,i prevailed with them to let the children go back to camp1 which they very soon did when they saw the ,indians4 ,i crept up behind some rock1 on the west range1 where ,i had a full view of the corral4 ,in it they had dug a rifle-pit4 ,the wheels of their waggons were chained together1 and the only chance for the ,indians was to starve them out1 or shoot them as they went for water4 ,i lay there some two hours1 and contemplated their situation1 and wept like a child4 ,when ,i returned to camp1 some six or eight men had come from ,cedar ,city4 ,joel ,white1 ,william ,c4 ,stewart1 and ,elliot ,c4 ,weldon1 were among the number1 but they had no orders4 ,they had come merely to see how things were4 ,the ,meadows are about fifty miles from ,cedar ,city4 ,thursday afternoon the messenger from ,cedar ,city returned4 ,he said that ,president ,haight had gone to ,parowan to confer with ,col4 ,dame1 and a company of men and orders would be sent on to-morrow 7,friday72 that up to the time he had left1 the council had come to no definite conclusion4 ,during this time the ,indians and men were engaged in broiling beef and making up their hides into lassos4 ,i had flattered myself that bloodshed was at an end4 ,after the emigrants saw me cross the valley1 they hoisted a white flag in the midst of their corral4 ,friday afternoon four waggons drove up with armed men4 ,when they saw the white flag in the corral1 they raised one also1 but drove to the springs where we were1 and took refreshment1 after which a council meeting was called of ,presidents1 ,bishops1 and other ,church officers and members of the ,high ,council1 societies1 ,high ,priests1 c4 ,major ,john ,m4 ,higbee presided as chairman4 ,several of the dignitaries bowed in prayer1 invoked the aid of the ,holy ,spirit to prepare their minds1 and guide them to do right1 and carry out the counsels of their leaders4 ,higbee said that 8,president ,j4 ,c4 ,haight had been to ,parowan to confer with ,col4 ,dame and their counsel1 and orders were that1 this emigrant camp must be used up40 ,i replied1 8,men1 women1 and children80 8,all10 said he1 8except such as are too young to tell tales2 and if the ,indians cannot do it without help1 we must help them40 ,i commenced pleading for the company1 and ,i said1 though some of them have behaved badly1 they have been pretty well chastised4 ,my policy would be to draw off the ,indians1 let them have a portion of the loose cattle1 and withdraw with them1 under promise that they would not molest the company any more2 that the company would then have teams enough left to take them to ,california4 ,i told them that this course could not bring them into trouble4 ,higbee said1 8,white men have interposed1 and the emigrants know it1 and there lies the danger in letting them go40 ,i said1 8,what white man interfered80 ,he replied that in the attack on ,tuesday night two men broke out of the corral and started for ,cedar ,city on horseback2 that they were met at ,richey's ,spring by ,stewart1 ,joel ,white1 and another man1 whose name has passed from me4 ,stewart asked the two men their names when they met at the spring1 and being told in reply by one of the men that his name was ,aden1 and that the other was a ,dutchman from the emigrant's company1 ,stewart shoved a pistol to ,aden's breast1 and killed him1 saying1 8,take that1 ---- you40 ,the other man 7the ,dutchman7 wheeled to leave as ,joel ,white fired and wounded him4 ,i asked him how he knew the wounded ,dutchman got back to the emigrants' camp4 ,he said because he was tracked back1 and they knew he was there4 ,i again said that it was better to deliver the man to them1 and let them do anything they wished with them1 and tell them that we did not approve such things4 ,ira ,allen1 high councillor1 and ,robert ,wiley1 and others1 spoke1 reproving me sharply for trying to dictate to the priesthood2 that it would set at naught all authority2 that he would not give the life of one of our brethren for a thousand such persons4 8,if we let them go10 he continued1 8they will raise hell in ,california1 and the result will be that our wives and children will have to be butchered1 and ourselves too1 and they are no better to die than ours1 and ,i am surprised to hear ,brother ,lee talk as he does1 as he1 who has always been considered one of the staunchest in the ,church1 now is the first to shirk from his duty40 ,i said1 8,brethren1 the ,lord must harden my heart before ,i can do such a thing40 ,allen said1 8,it is not wicked to obey counsel40 ,at this juncture ,i withdrew1 walked off some fifty paces1 and prostrated myself on the ground and wept in the bitter anguish of my soul1 and asked the ,lord to avert that evil4 ,while in that situation ,councillor ,c4 ,hopkins1 a near friend of mine1 came to me and said1 8,brother ,lee1 come1 get up1 and don't draw off from the priesthood4 ,you ought not to do so4 ,you are only endangering your own life by standing out4 ,you can't help it1 if this is wrong2 the blame won't rest on you40 ,i said1 8,charley1 this is the worst move this people ever made2 ,i feel it40 ,he said1 8,come1 go back1 and let them have their way40 ,i went back1 weeping like a child1 and took my place1 and tried to be silent1 and was until ,higbee said1 they 7the emigrants7 must be decoyed out through pretended friendship4 ,i could no longer hold my peace1 and said ,i1 8,joseph ,smith said that ,god hated a traitor1 and so do ,i3 before ,i would be a traitor1 ,i would rather take ten men1 and go to that camp and tell them they must die1 and now to defend themselves1 and give them a show for their lives2 that would be more honourable than to betray them like ,judas40 ,here ,i got another reproof1 and was ordered to hold my peace4 ,the plan agreed upon there was to meet them with a flag of truce1 tell them that the ,indians were determined on their destruction2 that we dare not oppose the ,indians1 for we were at their mercy2 that the best we could do for them 7the emigrants7 was to get them and what few traps we could take in the waggons1 to lay their arms in the bottom of the waggon and cover them up with bed-clothes1 and start for the settlement as soon as possible1 and to trust themselves in our hands4 ,the small children and wounded were to go with the two waggons1 the women to follow the waggons1 and the men next1 the troops to stand in readiness on the east side of the road ready to receive them4 ,schurtz and ,nephi ,johnson were to conceal the ,indians in the brush and rocks till the company was strung out on the road to a certain point1 and at the watchword1 8,halt2 do your duty60 each man was to cover his victim and fire4 ,johnson and ,schurtz were to rally the ,indians1 and rush upon and despatch the women and larger children4 ,it was further told the men that ,president ,haight said1 if we were united in carrying out the instructions1 we would all receive 8celestial reward40 ,i said ,i was willing to put up with a less reward if ,i could be excused4 8,how can you do this without shedding innocent blood80 ,here ,i got another lampooning for my stubbornness and disobedience to the priesthood4 ,i was told that there was not a drop of innocent blood in the whole company of emigrants4 ,also referred to the ,gentile nations who refused the children of ,israel passage through their country when ,moses led them out of ,egypt--that the ,lord held that crime against them1 and when ,israel waxed strong the ,lord commanded ,joshua to slay the whole nation1 men1 women1 and children4 8,have not these people done worse than that to us8 ,have they not threatened to murder our leaders and prophets1 and have they not boasted of murdering our patriarchs and prophets1 ,joseph and ,hyrum8 ,now talk about shedding innocent blood40 ,they said ,i was a good1 liberal1 free-hearted man1 but too much of this sympathy would be always in the way2 that every man now had to show his colours2 that it was not safe to have a ,judas in camp4 ,then it was proposed that every man express himself2 that if there was a man who would not keep a close mouth1 they wanted to know it then4 ,this gave me to understand what ,i might expect if ,i continued to oppose4 ,major ,higbee said1 8,brother ,lee is right4 ,let him take an expression of the people40 ,i knew ,i dared not refuse2 so ,i had every man speak and express himself4 ,all said they were willing to carry out the counsel of their leaders2 that the leaders had the spirit of ,god1 and knew better what was right than they did4 ,they then wanted to know my feelings4 ,i replied1 ,i have already expressed them4 ,every eye was upon me as ,i paused2 8but10 said ,i1 8you can do as you please2 ,i will not oppose you any longer40 8,will you keep a close mouth80 was the question4 8,i will try10 was my answer4 ,i will here say that the fear of offending ,brigham ,young and ,george ,a4 ,smith had saved my life4 ,i was near being 8blood-atoned0 in ,parowan1 under ,j4 ,c4 ,l4 ,smith1 in #ahed1 but on this ,i have spoken in my autobiography4 ,saturday morning all was ready1 and every man assigned to his post of duty4 ,during the night1 or rather just before daylight1 ,johnson and ,schurtz ambushed their ,indians1 the better to deceive the emigrants4 ,about #aa o'clock a4m4 the troops under ,major ,higbee took their position on the road4 ,the white flag was still kept up in the corral4 ,higbee called ,william ,bateman out of the ranks to take a flag of truce to the corral4 ,he was met about half way with another white flag from the emigrants' camp4 ,they had a talk4 ,the emigrant was told we had come to rescue them if they would trust us4 ,both men with flags returned to their respective places and reported1 and were to meet again and bring word4 ,higbee called me out to go and inform them the conditions1 and if accepted1 ,dan ,mc,farland1 brother to ,john ,mc,farland1 lawyer1 who acted as aid-de-camp1 would bring back word1 and then the waggons would be sent for the firearms1 children1 clothing1 etc4 ,i obeyed1 and the terms proposed were accepted1 but not without distrust4 ,i had as little to say as possible2 in fact1 my tongue refused to perform its office4 ,i sat down on the ground in the corral1 near where some young men were engaged in paying their last respects to some person who had just died of a wound4 ,a large fleshy old lady came to me twice1 and talked while ,i sat there4 ,she related their troubles2 said that seven of their number were killed1 and forty-seven wounded on the first attack2 that several had died since4 ,she asked me if ,i were an ,indian agent4 ,i said1 8,in one sense ,i am1 as ,government has appointed me farmer to the ,indians40 ,i told her this to satisfy her4 ,i heard afterwards that the same question was asked and answered in the same manner by ,mc,farland1 who had been sent by ,higbee to the corral to 8hurry me up1 for fear that the ,indians would come back and be upon them40 ,when all was ready1 ,samuel ,mc,murdy1 counsel to ,bishop ,p4 ,k4 ,smith 7,klingensmith71 drove out on the lead4 ,his waggon had the seventeen children1 clothing1 and arms4 ,samuel ,knight drove the other team1 with five wounded men and one boy about fifteen years old4 ,i walked behind the front waggon to direct the course1 and to shun being in the heat of the slaughter2 but this ,i kept to myself4 ,when we got turned fairly to the east1 ,i motioned to ,mc,murdy to steer north1 across the valley4 ,i1 at the same time1 told the women1 who were next to the waggon1 to follow the road up to the troop1 which they did4 ,instead of saying to ,mc,murdy not to drive so fast 7as he swore on my trial71 ,i said to the contrary1 to drive on1 as my aim was to get out of sight before the firing commenced1 which we did4 ,we were about half a mile ahead of the company when we heard the first firing4 ,we drove over a ridge of rolling ground1 and down on a low flat4 ,the firing was simultaneous along the whole line4 ,the moment the firing commenced ,mc,murdy halted and tied his lines across the rod of the waggon-box1 stepped down coolly with double-barrelled shot-gun1 walked back to ,knight's waggon1 who had the wounded men1 and was about twenty feet in the rear4 ,as he raised his piece1 he said1 8,lord1 my ,god1 receive their spirits1 for it is for the kingdom of heaven's sake that we do this10 fired and killed two men4 ,samuel ,knight had a muzzle-loading rifle1 and he shot and killed the three men1 then struck the wounded boy on the head1 who fell dead4 ,in the meantime ,i drew a five-shooter from my belt1 which accidentally went off1 cutting across ,mc,murdy's buskin pantaloons in front1 below the crotch4 ,mc,murdy said1 8,brother ,lee1 you are excited2 take things cool2 you was near killin' me4 ,look where the bullet cut10 pointing to the place in his pantaloons4 ,at this moment ,i heard the scream of a child4 ,i looked up and saw an ,indian have a little boy by the hair of his head1 dragging him out of the hind end of the waggon1 with a knife in his hand1 getting ready to cut his throat4 ,i sprang for the ,indian with my revolver in hand1 and shouted to the top of my voice1 8,arick1 oomo1 cot too sooet0 7stop1 you fool674 ,the child was terror-stricken4 ,his chin was bleeding4 ,i supposed it was the cut of a knife1 but afterwards learned that it was done on the waggon-box1 as the ,indian yanked the boy down by the hair of the head4 ,i had no sooner rescued this child than another ,indian seized a little girl by the hair4 ,i rescued her as soon as ,i could speak2 ,i told the ,indians that they must not hurt the children--that ,i would die before they should be hurt2 that we would buy the children of them4 ,before this time the ,indians had rushed around the waggon in quest of blood1 and despatched the two runaway wounded men4 ,in justice to my statement ,i would say that if my shooter had not prematurely exploded1 ,i would have had a hand in despatching the five wounded4 ,i had lost control of myself1 and scarce knew what ,i was about4 ,i saw an ,indian pursue a little girl who was fleeing4 ,he caught her about one hundred feet from the waggon1 and plunged his knife through her4 ,i said to ,mc,murdy that he had better drive the children to ,hamblin's ranch1 and give them some nourishment1 while ,i would go down and get my horse at the camp4 ,passing along the road ,i saw the dead strung along the distance of about half a mile4 ,the women and children were killed by the ,indians4 ,i saw ,schurtz with the ,indians1 and no other white man with them4 ,when ,i came to the men1 they lay about a rod apart4 ,here ,i came up with ,higbee1 ,bishop ,smith1 and the rest of the company4 ,as ,i came up1 ,higbee said to me1 8,let us search these persons for valuables10 and asked me to assist him2 gave me a hat to hold4 ,several men were already engaged in searching the bodies4 ,i replied that ,i was unwell1 and wanted to get upon my horse and go to the ranch and nurse myself4 ,my request was granted4 ,reaching ,hamblin's ranch--being heartsick and worn out--,i lay down on my saddle-blanket and slept1 and knew but little of what passed during the night4 ,about daybreak in the morning1 ,i heard the voices of ,col4 ,dame and ,isaac ,c4 ,haight4 ,i heard some very angry words pass between them1 which drew my attention4 ,dame said he would have to report the destruction of the emigrant camp and company4 ,haight said1 8,how1 as an ,indian massacre80 ,dame said he did not know so well about that4 ,this reply seemed to irritate ,haight1 who spoke quite loudly1 saying1 8,how the ---- can you report it any other way without implicating yourself80 ,at this ,dame lowered his voice almost to a whisper2 ,i could not understand what he said1 and the conversation stopped4 ,i got up1 saw the children1 and among the others the boy who was pulled by the hair of his head out of the waggon by the ,indian and saved by me2 that boy ,i took home and kept until ,dr4 ,forney1 ,government agent1 came to gather up the children and take them ,east2 he took the boy with the others2 that boy's name was ,william ,fancher2 his father was captain of the train2 he was taken ,east and adopted by a man in ,nebraska1 named ,richard ,sloan2 he remained ,east several years1 and then returned to ,utah1 and is now a convict in the ,utah ,penitentiary1 having been convicted the past year for the crime of highway robbery4 ,he is now known by the name of 8,idaho ,bill10 but his true name is ,william ,fancher4 ,his little sister was also taken ,east1 and is now the wife of a man working for the ,union ,pacific ,railroad ,company1 near ,green ,river4 ,the boy 7now man7 has yet got the scar on his chin caused by the cut on the waggon-box1 and those who are curious enough to examine will find a large scar on the ball of his left foot1 caused by a deep cut made by an axe while he was with me4 ,i got breakfast that morning4 ,then all hands returned to the scene of the slaughter to bury the dead4 ,the bodies were all in a nude state4 ,the ,indians1 through the night1 had stripped them of every vestige of clothing4 ,many of the parties were laughing and talking as they carried the bodies to the ravine for burial4 ,they were just covered over a little1 but did not long remain so2 for the wolves dug them up1 and1 after eating the flesh from them1 the bones laid upon the ground until buried1 some time after1 by a ,government military officer4 ,at the time of burying the bodies ,dame and ,haight got into another quarrel4 ,dame seemed to be terror-stricken1 and again said he would have to publish it4 ,they were about two paces from me4 ,dame spoke low1 as if careful to avoid being heard4 ,haight spoke loud1 and said1 8,you know that you counselled it1 and ordered me to have them used up40 ,dame said1 8,i did not think that there were so many women and children4 ,i thought they were nearly all killed by the ,indians40 ,haight said1 8,it is too late in the day for you to back water4 ,you know you ordered and counselled it1 and now you want to back out40 ,dame said1 8,have you the papers for that80 or 8,show the papers for that40 ,this enraged ,haight to the highest pitch1 and ,dame walked off4 ,haight said1 8,you throw the blame of this thing on me1 and ,i will be revenged upon you1 if ,i have to meet you in hell to get it40 ,from this place we rode to the waggons2 we found them stripped of their covers and every particle of clothing1 even the feather beds had been ripped open and the contents turned upon the ground1 looking for plunder4 ,i crossed the mountains by an ,indian trail1 taking my little ,indian boy with me on my horse4 ,the gathering up of the property and cattle was left in the charge of ,bishop ,p4 ,k4 ,smith4 ,the testimony of ,smith in regard to the property and the disposition of it was very nearly correct4 ,i must not forget to state1 that after the attack a messenger by the name of ,james ,haslem was sent with a despatch to ,president ,brigham ,young1 asking his advice about interfering with the company1 but he did not return in time4 ,this ,i had no knowledge of until the massacre was committed4 ,some two weeks after the deed was done1 ,isaac ,c4 ,haight sent me to report to ,governor ,young in person4 ,i asked him why he did not send a written report4 ,he replied that ,i could tell him more satisfactorily than he could write1 and if ,i would stand up and shoulder as much of the responsibility as ,i could conveniently1 that it would be a feather in my cap some day1 and that ,i would get a celestial salvation1 but that the man who shrank from it now would go to hell4 ,i went and did as ,i was commanded4 ,brigham asked me if ,isaac ,c4 ,haight had written a letter to him4 ,i replied1 not by me1 but ,i said he wished me to report in person4 8,all right10 said ,brigham2 8were you an eye-witness80 8,to the most of it10 was my reply4 ,then ,i proceeded and gave him a full history of all except that of my opposition4 ,that ,i left out entirely4 ,i told him of the killing of the women and children1 and the betraying of the company4 ,that1 ,i told him1 ,i was opposed to1 but ,i did not say to him to what extent ,i was opposed to it1 only that ,i was opposed to shedding innocent blood4 8,why10 said he1 8you differ from ,isaac 7,haight71 for he said there was not a drop of innocent blood in the whole company40 ,when ,i was through1 he said that it was awful2 that he cared nothing about the men1 but the women and children was what troubled him4 ,i said1 8,president ,young1 you should either release men from their obligation or sustain them when they do what they have entered into the most sacred obligations to do40 ,he replied1 8,i will think over the matter1 and make it a subject of prayer1 and you may come back in the morning and see me40 ,i did so1 and he said1 8,john1 ,i feel first-rate2 ,i asked the ,lord if it was all right for that deed to be done1 to take away the vision of the deed from my mind1 and the ,lord did so1 and ,i feel first-rate4 ,it is all right4 ,the only fear ,i have is of traitors40 ,he told me never to lisp it to any mortal being1 not even to ,brother ,heber4 ,president ,young has always treated me with the friendship of a father since1 and has sealed several women to me since1 and has made my house his home when in that part of the territory1 until danger has threatened him4 ,this is a true statement according to the best of my recollection4 ,,john ,d4 ,,lee4 ,,killing ,a ,,rival ,,prophet4 ,enough has been already written to satisfy all with whom facts have any weight that the ,mormonism which claims in ,europe to be 8of ,christ10 is in ,utah a despotism of the harshest character1 allied to falsehood1 murder1 and the worst of crimes that degrade human nature4 ,and here would ,i rest my pen2 but it seems that one other episode in ,utah life should still be added1 showing as it does the intolerance of the ruling ,mormon ,priesthood when their own sway is challenged4 ,thirty-five miles north of ,salt ,lake ,city--a short distance from where the ,union ,pacific debouches from ,weber ,canyon--a ,welchman named ,joseph ,morris had found eager listeners to new revelations4 ,the ,bishop of ,kington ,fort1 ,richard ,cook1 formerly a noted ,missionary in ,manchester1 ,england1 and a number of intelligent men and women1 received gladly the new prophet who had been raised up by 8the ,lord0 to 8deliver ,israel from bondage40 ,numerous believers in a very short time gathered from various parts of the territory1 and ,kington fort1 on the ,weber1 became an important place4 ,morris abounded with revelations4 ,his 8gifts0 exceeded in profusion those of all who had ever gone before him4 ,the founder of ,mormonism was nothing in comparison with his disciple from ,wales4 ,the adherents of the new prophet were perfectly overjoyed at the abundance of light that now shone upon their path1 and some very intelligent men gathered to the ,weber4 ,three ,english and three ,danish clerks were daily employed in writing the heavenly communications from the mouth of the new prophet4 ,brigham had been barren--,morris was overflowing4 ,the new disciples 8consecrated0 all they possessed to a common fund4 ,christ was seen to descend among them1 and their wants would only be of short duration4 ,as 8the ,lord0 tarried1 the enthusiasm of some of the converts cooled1 and here began the difficulty with the new prophet4 ,it became a question how much of their property they could reclaim4 ,it had all been 8consecrated40 ,the leading men of the sect decided to let them peacefully retire2 but it was expected that they would honestly meet their accrued share of the obligations of the little colony4 ,some of them proved dishonest1 and attempted to take away better cattle than they had brought1 and they refused to make allowance for the support they had derived from the property of others4 ,a feud arose1 the dissenters applied to the ,mormon ,courts1 and the latter were pleased with the opportunity afforded4 ,writs were issued1 served and repulsed4 ,the dissenters waited for the chance of seizing the moveable property of the colony1 and as wheat was sent to mill they pounced upon it1 and took teams and waggons as well4 ,on one occasion the ,morrisites arose early in the morning1 and spread themselves over the country1 keeping within view of the advancing teams4 ,as the dissenter and two others pounced upon the convoy the second time1 up sprang the ,morrisites from places of concealment1 and took them prisoners4 ,they were taken to ,kington ,fort and imprisoned4 ,the friends of the captured men sought their release ineffectually1 for the ,sheriff in that country could do nothing4 ,one or two of the wives of the prisoners went to ,brigham1 but he refused to interfere4 ,he was too shrewd to meddle directly in the affair4 ,justice ,kinney was next visited4 ,as judge of that judicial district a petition was filed before him1 setting forth that these men were kept in close confinement and heavily ironed by order of ,joseph ,morris1 ,john ,banks1 and ,richard ,cook4 ,on the #bdth of ,may1 #ahfb1 a writ of habeas corpus was issued to the ,territorial ,marshal1 and by his deputy served1 but no attention was paid to it4 ,on the #aath of ,june a second writ was issued and was also disregarded4 ,kinney was intensely indignant1 and insisted upon the militia being called out as a posse comitatus to accompany the ,territorial ,marshal4 ,acting ,governor ,fuller issued the necessary order4 ,the ,morrisites had been warned by the 8,lord0 that the 8,brighamites0 were plotting their destruction1 and accordingly purchased all the rifles and ammunition possible4 ,early on the morning of the #acth of ,june an armed posse were seen on ,south ,mountain overlooking the ,morrisite community1 and the following proclamation was sent to the ,morrisites by one of their herd-boys3 ,head-quarters1 ,marshal's ,posse1 ,weber ,river1 ,june #ac1 #ahfb4 ,to ,joseph ,morris1 ,john ,banks1 ,richard ,cook1 ,john ,parsons1 and ,peter ,klemgard3 ,whereas you have heretofore disregarded and defied the judicial officers and laws of the ,territory of ,utah3 and whereas certain writs have been issued for you from the ,third ,judicial ,district ,court of said ,territory1 and a sufficient force furnished by the executive of the same to enforce the laws4 ,this is therefore to notify you to peaceably and quietly surrender yourselves and the prisoners in your custody forthwith4 ,an answer is required in thirty minutes after the receipt of this document2 if not1 forcible measures will be taken for your arrest4 ,should you disregard this proposition and place your lives in jeopardy1 you are hereby required to remove your women and children3 and all persons peaceably disposed are hereby notified to forthwith leave your encampment1 and are informed that they can find protection with this posse4 ,h4 ,w4 ,,lawrence1 ,territorial ,marshal4 ,per ,r4 ,t4 ,burton and ,theodore ,mc,kean1 deputies4 ,a gentleman who was then in the ,morrisites camp has furnished the author with the following statement3--,morris1 a firm believer in the revelations he received1 remarked1 in answer to the inquiry 8,what shall be done80 that he would 8go and inquire of the ,lord40 ,he was soon heard in solemn and earnest prayer4 ,in the meantime word was sent round the camp for the people to at once assemble in meeting and consult on the question4 ,women and children came together hurriedly1 yet there was no excitement1 and soon the ,bowery was well filled4 ,morris was seen to come out from his dwelling with a paper in his hand4 ,this paper proved to be a written revelation4 ,his council were awaiting him4 ,the revelation was read to the council1 and a peculiar document it was4 ,it purported to be from ,god1 who was represented as being pleased with his faithful people there1 and as having brought the posse against them to show his own power in the complete destruction of their enemies4 ,it also promised that now the triumph of his people should come4 ,their enemies should be smitten before them1 but that not one of his faithful people should be destroyed--that 8not a hair of their heads should be harmed40 ,the council at once stepped out into the ,bowery1 close to which lived all the leading men1 and1 to save time1 singing was omitted1 and the meeting was opened briefly by prayer4 ,john ,parsons 7previously a noted ,mormon preacher in ,london71 in his clear sonorous voice1 then read the revelation4 ,r4 ,cook arose to consult with the people as to which should be obeyed--the proclamation demanding the surrender of the prisoners held in custody of ,peter ,klemgard1 and four of the leading men of the ,church1 or the revelation forbidding the surrender of these men4 ,before the people had a chance to speak or vote1 or do anything at all in the matter1 the booming sound of a cannon was heard1 and screams arose from the third seat from the stand in the ,bowery1 and instantly two women were seen dead in the congregation1 and the lower jaw1 hanging only by a small strip of skin1 was shot off a young girl of from twelve to fifteen years of age4 ,it was the fearful and heart-rending screams of this girl that stopped the meeting4 ,the people arose in utter confusion4 ,cook1 still on his feet1 suggested to all to go at once to their homes1 and that each man should take care of his own family as best he could4 ,never was a revelation more immediately falsified1 for scarcely had the promise of absolute safety been made than sudden destruction came4 ,panic-stricken men and women rushed hither and thither1 some seeking safety in cellars1 some in potato-pits2 in short1 anywhere or in any place in which security could be either reasonably or unreasonably hoped for4 ,the first shot was in a few minutes followed by another and still another1 and the attack was continued4 ,the posse drew nearer and nearer1 and the firing was kept up incessantly both with cannon and musketry4 ,had ,burton or ,mc,kean had the pluck of a common constable1 they could have gone safely into the fort1 served the summons1 and saved all effusion of blood4 ,there was not a ,morrisite in the fort that was armed or thought of arming4 ,they met to consider the question1 and to pray over it4 ,about an hour and a half after the firing commenced they got their arms and effected an organization1 and a regular defence was made4 ,after fighting three days they raised the white flag1 and ceased firing4 ,cautiously ,burton and his aids1 with a number of men1 entered into the camp1 and then transpired a bloody scene1 concerning which the following affidavit has been made3 ,united ,states of ,america1 ,territory of ,utah1 ,s4,s4 ,alexander ,dow1 of said territory1 being duly sworn1 says3 8,in the spring of #ahfa ,i joined the ,morrisites1 and was present when ,joseph ,morris was killed4 ,the ,morrisites had surrendered1 a white flag was flying1 and the arms were all grounded and guarded by a large number of the posse4 ,robert ,t4 ,burton and ,judson ,l4 ,stoddard rode in among the ,morrisites4 ,burton was excited4 ,he said1 8,where is the man8 ,i don't know him40 ,stoddard replied1 8,that's him10 pointing to ,morris4 ,barton rode his horse upon ,morris1 and commanded him to give himself up in the name of the ,lord4 ,morris replied1 8,no1 never1 never60 ,morris said he wanted to speak to the people4 ,burton said1 8,be d--d quick about it40 ,morris said1 8,brethren1 ,i've taught you true principles40 ,he had scarcely got the words out of his mouth before ,burton fired his revolver4 ,the ball passed in his neck or shoulder4 ,burton exclaimed1 8,there's your prophet40 ,he fired again1 saying1 8,what do you think of your prophet now80 ,he then turned suddenly and shot ,banks1 who was standing five or six paces distant4 ,banks fell4 ,mrs4 ,bowman1 wife of ,james ,bowman1 came running up crying1 8,oh1 you bloodthirsty wretch60 ,burton said1 8,no one shall tell me that and live10 and shot her dead4 ,a ,danish woman then came running up to ,morris1 crying1 and ,burton shot her dead also4 ,burton could easily have taken ,morris and ,banks prisoners1 if he had tried4 ,i was standing but a few feet from ,burton all this time4 ,and further saith not4 ,,alexander ,,dow4 ,subscribed and sworn before me1 this #ahth day of ,april1 ,a4,d4 #ahfc4 ,,charles ,b4 ,,waite1 ,associate ,justice1 ,u4,t4 ,in the fight two of the ,marshal's posse were killed1 and six of the ,morrisites1 and three of the latter were wounded4 ,only one in the ,morrisite camp was killed by rifle-ball4 ,it was the cannon at long range that did the damage4 ,the first shot killed two women as before stated1 and wounded a girl2 another cannon-ball killed a woman and her child in the 8wickiup40 ,the mother-in-law of the new prophet was also killed in her 8wickiup40 ,a little infant had two narrow escapes4 ,the first shot killed its mother1 ,mrs4 ,marsh1 while it was in her arms1 and it was in the arms of ,mrs4 ,bowman when she was shot down4 ,after the surrender all the prisoners were marched to ,salt ,lake on the #agth1 and on the #ahth they were examined before ,judge ,kinney in chambers1 and placed under bonds to appear at the next regular term of ,court4 ,in urging measures against the ,morrisites1 ,kinney claimed to be satisfied that he did only do his duty4 ,it is difficult to see how he could long be passive when the order of his ,court was disregarded4 ,burton committed the atrocity of which he is accused most undoubtedly1 and it was the work of a devoted fanatic1 who1 seeking to please the ,prophet ,brigham1 did not hesitate to do so by ridding him of a troublesome rival4 ,that ,john ,banks was foully dealt with there seems little room to doubt4 ,he was wounded at the time of ,morris's death1 but not fatally4 ,the manner of his 8taking off0 only is obscure4 ,in the evening he was well enough to sit up and enjoy his pipe4 ,suddenly he died4 ,was he poisoned1 shot1 or 8knifed80 is the only query4 ,it is generally believed that ,dr4 ,clinton 8knifed him40 ,banks was among the first to receive ,mormonism in ,preston1 ,lancashire1 ,england4 ,he was soon ordained a high-priest1 and during many years of labour among the ,saints he had presided over the largest conferences in ,britain1 and at one time was one of the ,presidency over the whole ,church there4 ,he was the most eloquent preacher that was ever in the ,mormon ,church4 ,as his faith waned in ,mormonism he was painfully grieved1 and at times became intemperate4 ,before he was a ,mormon he had been a ,chartist1 and the 8despotism0 of the ruling ,priesthood was irksome to him4 ,years before he left ,england for ,zion he silently mourned over the one-man power4 ,his best life had been spent for ,mormonism1 and he was then too far advanced in years to begin a new life1 and he emigrated to ,zion when ordered1 hoping that his fears might be removed by better experience4 ,brigham ,young was personally kind to him after he arrived at ,salt ,lake1 and sought to help him over his material troubles2 but there was in the heart of ,john ,banks more than he could tell the ,prophet4 ,when he heard ,morris1 it was the opening of a fresh career to him1 and he eagerly embraced the new faith4 ,before the regular session of the ,third ,judicial ,district ,court1 at which the ,morrisites were to be tried1 an element was imported into ,utah that was destined to trouble the happiness of the ,prophet4 ,a new ,governor1 in the person of ,stephen ,s4 ,harding1 of ,indiana1 was appointed to succeed ,dawson2 and ,thomas ,j4 ,drake of ,michigan and ,charles ,b4 ,waite of ,illinois1 were appointed ,associate ,justices4 ,at the same time a body of ,california volunteers1 under command of ,colonel ,connor1 were sent on the overland mail route to protect that and the telegraph line across the ,plains1 but the ,commander had also instructions to establish posts near ,salt ,lake ,city4 ,at the ,march session of the ,third ,judicial ,district ,court the ,morrisites were tried4 ,ten of them were indicted for killing two of the posse during the flight2 seven of these were convicted1 one was 8nolled10 and two were acquitted4 ,sixty-six others were fined #ajj each for resisting the posse4 ,of the seven convicted of 8murder in the second degree10 one was sentenced to fifteen years' imprisonment1 one to twelve years1 and five to ten years each4 ,governor ,harding1 regarding the prisoners as deserving of clemency1 pardoned them all4 ,most of those who had professed the ,morrisite faith1 and who did not immediately leave the ,territory1 found employment and refuge at ,camp ,douglas4 ,a month later1 ,colonel ,connor took #bej of them and a company of the ,california volunteers1 to ,soda ,springs1 where he established a post in ,idaho1 immediately beyond the northern ,territorial limits of ,utah1 and the ,morrisites have there lost their peculiarities among a more humane population4 ,after the 8,morrisite war0 ,burton enjoyed the respect of the community and the honours of the ,church4 ,offices and appointments were showered upon him1 and wives multiplied in his household4 ,if ,brigham was horrified at the murder of ,morris1 ,banks1 and the two women1 he was unfelicitous in its expression4 ,burton was1 through his influence1 made ,united ,states ,assessor of ,internal ,revenue1 was made a ,bishop of the ,church1 and grew from ,colonel ,burton to ,brigadier and ,major-,general4 ,he was made a member of the ,city ,government and ,sheriff of the county of ,great ,salt ,lake4 ,his wealth increased with his honours1 and he was associated with ,brigham in nearly all of his enterprises4 ,about four years ago the first move was made against him by the grand jury for the murders on the ,weber1 and he managed to conceal himself for about a year1 and was sent on a mission 8to preach the gospel0 in ,england1 with the indictment for murder hanging over him4 ,there he was further elevated1 and when he returned to 8,zion0 he was again honoured by being appointed the second counsellor to the chief ,bishop of the whole ,mormon ,church4 ,for the last eighteen months he has enjoyed perfect freedom1 and has attended to his numerous affairs with the utmost assurance that nothing could be done with him1 and in that he is probably correct1 for nothing has ever been done against a prominent ,mormon like ,burton when a jury had the disposal of the business4 ,on the #fth of ,march1 #ahgi1 with all this evidence1 and the testimony of living eye-witnesses before them1 ,major-,general ,burton was acquitted1 by a jury in ,salt ,lake ,city1 of the murder of ,mrs4 ,bowman6 ,,footnotes #a ,i myself made a movement with my hand--for ,i believed that my life was at stake1 and ,i dared not do otherwise4 ,the words of the oath ,i did not utter4 ,see explanation at the end of the chapter4 #b ,mormonism ,exposed1 p4 #bcf4 #c ,besides poor ,mary's family1 in every other instance with the solitary exception of ,sister ,ann--my 8talkative friend0--who is still living1 and is so well known in ,salt ,lake ,city1 ,i have been as scrupulous in giving real names as ,i have been in stating only facts which ,i had either witnessed or knew beyond question were true4 ,,gilbert ,,and ,,rivington1 ,,printers1 ,,st4 ,,john',s ,,square1 ,,london4