,charles ,franks1 ,charles ,aldarondo1 and the ,online ,distributed ,proofreading ,team4 ,,thomas ,,wingfold1 ,,curate4 ,by ,george ,mac,donald1 ,,ll4,d4 ,,in ,,three ,,volumes4 ,,vol ,,ii4 ,,thomas ,,wingfold1 ,,curate4 ,,chapter ,i4 ,,rachel ,,and ,,her ,,uncle4 ,it was nearly dark when they arrived again at the lodge4 ,rachel opened the gate for them4 ,without even a ,,thank ,,you1 they rode out4 ,she stood for a moment gazing after them through the dusk1 then turned with a sigh1 and went into the kitchen1 where her uncle sat by the fire with a book in his hand4 ,how ,i should like to be as well made as ,miss ,lingard6 she said1 seating herself by the lamp that stood on the deal-table4 ,it ,,must be a fine thing to be strong and tall1 and able to look this way and that without turning all your body along with your head1 like the old man that gathers the leeches in ,wordsworth's poem4 ,and what it must be to sit on a horse as she does6 ,you should have seen her go flying like the very wind across the park6 ,you would have thought she and her horse were cut out of the same piece4 ,i'm dreadfully envious1 uncle4 ,no1 my child2 ,i know you better than you do yourself4 ,there is a great difference between ,i ,,wish ,i ,,was and ,i ,,should ,,like ,,to ,,be--as much as between a grumble and a prayer4 ,to be content is not to be satisfied4 ,no one ought to be satisfied with the imperfect4 ,it is ,god's will that we should bear1 and contentedly--because in hope1 looking for the redemption of the body4 ,and we know he has a ready servant who will one day set us free4 ,yes1 uncle2 ,i understand4 ,you know ,i enjoy life3 how could ,i help it and you with me8 ,but ,i don't think ,i ever go through the churchyard without feeling a sort of triumph4 ',there's for you6' ,i say sometimes to the little crooked shadow that creeps along by my side across the graves4 ',you'll soon be caught and put inside6'--,but how am ,i to tell ,i mayn't be crooked in the next world as well as this8 ,that's what troubles me at times4 ,there might be some necessity for it1 you know4 ,then will there be patience to bear it there also2 that you may be sure of4 ,but ,i do not fear4 ,it were more likely that those who have not thanked ,god1 but prided themselves that they were beautiful in this world1 should be crooked in the next4 ,it would be like ,dives and ,lazarus1 you know4 ,but ,god does what is best for them as well as for us4 ,we shall find one day that beauty and riches were the best thing for those to whom they were given1 as deformity and poverty were the best for us4 ,i wonder what sort of person ,i should have been if ,i had had a straight spine6 said ,rachel laughing4 ,hardly one so dear to your deformed uncle1 said her companion in ugliness4 ,then ,i'm glad ,i am as ,i am1 rejoined ,rachel4 ,this conscious individuality of ours1 said ,polwarth1 after a thoughtful silence1 is to me an awful thing--the one thing that seems in humanity like the onliness of ,god4 ,mine terrifies me sometimes--looking a stranger to me--a limiting of myself--a breaking in upon my existence--like a volcanic outburst into the blue ,sicilian air4 ,when it thus manifests itself1 ,i find no refuge but the offering of it back to him who thought it worth making4 ,i say to him3 ',lord1 it is thine1 not mine2--see to it1 ,lord4 ,thou and thy eternity are mine1 ,father of ,jesus ,christ4' ,he covered his eyes with his hands1 and his lips grew white1 and trembled4 ,thought had turned into prayer1 and both were silent for a space4 ,rachel was the first to speak4 ,i think ,i understand1 uncle1 she said4 ,i don't mind being ,god's dwarf4 ,but ,i would rather be made after his own image2 this can't be it4 ,i should like to be made over again4 ,and if the hope we are saved by be no mockery1 if ,st4 ,paul was not the fool of his own radiant imaginings1 you will be1 my child4--,but now let us forget our miserable bodies4 ,come up to my room1 and ,i will read you a few lines that came to me this morning in the park4 ,won't you wait for ,mr4 ,wingfold1 uncle8 ,he will be here yet1 ,i think4 ,it can't be ten o'clock4 ,he always looks in on ,saturdays as he goes home from his walk4 ,i should like you to read them to him too4 ,they will do him good1 ,i know4 ,i would1 my dear1 willingly1 if ,i thought he would care for them4 ,but ,i don't think he would4 ,they are not good enough verses4 ,he has been brought up on ,horace1 and1 ,i fear1 counts the best poetry the neatest4 ,i think you must be mistaken there1 uncle2 ,i have heard him talk delightfully about poetry4 ,you must excuse me if ,i am shy of reading my poor work to any but yourself1 ,rachel4 ,my heart was wo much in it1 and the subject is so sacred-- ,i am sorry you should think your pearls too good to cast before ,mr4 ,wingfold1 uncle1 said ,rachel1 with a touch of disappointed temper4 ,nay1 nay1 child1 returned ,polwarth1 that was not a good thing to say4 ,what gives me concern is1 that there is so much of the rough dirty shell sticking about them1 that to show them would be to wrong the truth in them4 ,rachel seldom took long to repent4 ,she came slowly to her uncle1 where he stood with the lamp in his hand1 looking in his face with a heavenly contrition1 and saying nothing4 ,when she reached him1 she dropped on her knees1 and kissed the hand that hung by his side4 ,her temper was poor ,rachel's one sore-felt trouble4 ,polwarth stooped and kissed her on the forehead1 raised her1 and leading her to the stair1 stood aside to let her go first4 ,but when she had been naughty ,rachel would never go before her uncle1 and she drew back4 ,with a smile of intelligence he yielded and led the way4 ,but ere they had climbed to the top1 ,rachel heard ,mr4 ,wingfold's step1 and went down again to receive him4 ,,chapter ,,ii4 ,a ,,dream4 ,invited to ascend1 ,wingfold followed ,rachel to her uncle's room1 and there1 whether guided by her or not1 the conversation presently took such a turn that at length1 of his own motion1 ,polwarth offered to read his verses4 ,from the drawer of his table he took a scratched and scored halfsheet1 and--not in the most melodious of voices1 yet in one whose harshness and weakness could not cover a certain refinement of spiritual tenderness--read as follows3 ,lord1 hear my discontent3 ,all blank ,i stand1 ,a mirror polished by thy hand2 ,thy sun's beams flash and flame from me-- ,i cannot help it3 here ,i stand1 there he2 ,to one of them ,i cannot say-- ,go1 and on yonder water play4 ,nor one poor ragged daisy can ,i fashion-- ,i do not make the words of this my limping passion4 ,if ,i should say3 ,now ,i will think a thought1 ,lo6 ,i must wait1 unknowing1 ,what thought in me is growing1 ,until the thing to birth is brought2 ,nor know ,i then what next will come ,from out the gulf of silence dumb4 ,i am the door the thing did find ,to pass into the general mind2 ,i cannot say ,i think-- ,i only stand upon the thought-well's brink2 ,from darkness to the sun the water bubbles up-- ,i lift it in my cup4 ,thou only thinkest--,i am thought2 ,me and my thought thou thinkest4 ,nought ,am ,i but as a fountain spout ,from which thy water welleth out4 ,thou art the only ,one1 the ,all in all4 --,yet when my soul on thee doth call ,and thou dost answer out of everywhere1 ,i in thy allness have my perfect share4 ,while he read ,rachel crept to his knee1 knelt down1 and laid her head upon it4 ,if we are but the creatures of a day1 yet surely were the shadow-joys of this miserable pair not merely nobler in their essence1 but finer to the soul's palate than the shadow-joys of young ,hercules ,bascombe--,helen and horses and all6 ,poor ,helen ,i cannot use for comparison1 for she had no joy1 save indeed the very divine1 though at present unblossoming one of sisterly love4 ,still1 and notwithstanding1 if the facts of life are those of ,george ,bascombe's endorsing--,,and ,,he ,,can ,,prove ,,it--let us by all means learn and accept them1 be they the worst possible4 ,meantime there are truths that ought to be facts1 and until he has proved that there is no ,god1 some of us will go feeling after him if haply we may find him1 and in him the truths we long to find true4 ,some of us perhaps think we have seen him from afar1 but we only know the better that in the mood wherein such as ,bascombe are1 they will never find him--which would no doubt be to them a comfort were it not for a laughter4 ,and if he be such as their idea of what we think him1 they ,,are better without him4 ,if1 on the contrary1 he be what some of us really think him1 their not seeking him will not perhaps prevent him from finding them4 ,from likeness of nature1 community of feeling1 constant intercourse1 and perfect confidence1 ,rachel understood her uncle's verses with sufficient ease to enjoy them at once in part1 and1 for the rest1 to go on thinking in the direction in which they would carry her2 but ,wingfold1 in whom honesty of disposition had blossomed at last into honesty of action1 after fitting pause1 during which no word was spoken1 said3-- ,mr4 ,polwarth1 where verse is concerned1 ,i am simply stupid3 when read ,i cannot follow it4 ,i did not understand the half of that poem4 ,i never have been a student of ,english verse1 and indeed that part of my nature which has to do with poetry1 has been a good deal neglected4 ,will you let me take those verses home with me8 ,i cannot do that1 for they are not legible2 but ,i will copy them out for you4 ,will you give me them to-morrow8 ,shall you be at church8 ,that shall be just as you please3 would you rather have me there or not8 ,a thousand times rather1 answered the curate4 ,to have one man there who knows what ,i mean better than ,i can say it1 is to have a double soul and double courage4--,but ,i came to-night mainly to tell you that ,i have been much puzzled this last week to know how ,i ought to regard the ,bible--,i mean as to its inspiration4 ,what am ,i to say about it8 ,those are two distinct things4 ,why think of saying about it1 before you have anything to say8 ,for yourself1 however1 let me ask if you have not already found in the book the highest means of spiritual education and development you have yet met with8 ,if so1 may not that suffice for the present8 ,it is the man ,christ ,jesus we have to know1 and the ,bible we have to use to that end--not for theory or dogma4--,i will tell you a strange dream ,i had once1 not long ago4 ,rachel's face brightened4 ,she rose1 got a little stool1 and setting it down close by the chair on which her uncle was perched1 seated herself at his feet1 with her eyes on the ground1 to listen4 ,about two years ago1 said ,polwarth1 a friend sent me ,tauchnitz's edition of the ,english ,new ,testament1 which has the different readings of the three oldest known manuscripts translated at the foot of the page4 ,the edition was prepared chiefly for the sake of showing the results of the collation of the ,sinaitic manuscript1 the oldest of all1 so named because it was found--a few years ago1 by ,tischendorf--in a monastery on ,mount ,sinai--nowhere else than there6 ,i received it with such exultation as brought on an attack of asthma1 and ,i could scarce open it for a week1 but lay with it under my pillow4 ,when ,i did come to look at it1 my main wonder was to find the differences from the common version so few and small4 ,still there were some such as gave rise to a feeling far above mere interest--one in particular1 the absence of a word that had troubled me1 not seeming like a word of our ,lord1 or consonant with his teaching4 ,i am unaware whether the passage has ever given rise to controversy4 ,may ,i ask what word it was8 interrupted ,wingfold1 eagerly4 ,i will not say1 returned ,polwarth4 ,not having troubled you1 you would probably only wonder why it should have troubled me4 ,for my purpose in mentioning the matter1 it is enough to say that ,i had turned with eagerness to the passage wherein it occurs1 as given in two of the gospels in our version4 ,judge my delight in discovering that in the one gospel the whole passage was omitted by the two oldest manuscripts1 and in the other just the one word that had troubled me1 by the same two4 ,i would not have you suppose me foolish enough to imagine that the oldest manuscript must be the most correct2 but you will at once understand the sense of room and air which the discovery gave me notwithstanding1 and ,i mention it because it goes both to account for the dream that followed and to enforce its truth4 ,pray do not however imagine me a believer in dreams more than in any other source of mental impressions4 ,if a dream reveal a principle1 that principle is a revelation1 and the dream is neither more ,,nor ,,less valuable than a waking thought that does the same4 ,the truth conveyed is the revelation4 ,i do not deny that facts have been learned in dreams1 but ,i would never call the communication of a mere fact a revelation4 ,truth alone1 beheld as such by the soul1 is worthy of the name4 ,facts1 however1 may themselves be the instruments of such revelation4 ,the dream ,i am now going to tell you was clearly enough led up to by my waking thoughts4 ,for ,i had been saying to myself ere ,i fell asleep3 ',on the very ,mount ,sinai1 that once burned with heavenly fire1 and resounded with the thunder of a visible ,presence1 now old and cold1 and swathed in the mists of legend and doubt1 was discovered the most reverend1 because most ancient record of the new dispensation which dethroned that mountain1 and silenced the thunders of the pedagogue law6 ,is it not possible that yet1 in some ancient convent1 insignificant to the eye of the traveller as modern ,nazareth would be but for its ancient story1 some one of the original gospel-manuscripts may lie1 truthful and unblotted from the hand of the very evangelist8--,oh lovely parchment6' ,i thought--'if eye of man might but see thee6 if lips of man might kiss thee6' and my heart swelled like the heart of a lover at the thought of such a boon4--,now1 as you know1 ,i live in a sort of live coffin here1 continued the little man1 striking his pigeon-breast1 with a barrel-organ of discords in it1 constantly out of order in one way or another2 and hence it comes that my sleep is so imperfect1 and my dreams run more than is usual1 as ,i believe1 on in the direction of my last waking thoughts4 ,well1 that night1 ,i dreamed thus3 ,i was in a desert4 ,it was neither day nor night to me4 ,i saw neither sun1 moon1 nor stars4 ,a heavy1 yet half-luminous cloud hung over the visible earth4 ,my heart was beating fast and high1 for ,i was journeying towards a certain ,armenian convent1 where ,i had good ground for hoping ,i should find the original manuscript of the fourth gospel1 the very handwriting of the apostle ,john4 ,that the old man did not write it himself1 ,i never thought of that in my dream4 ,after ,i had walked on for a long1 anything but weary time1 ,i saw the level horizon line before me broken by a rock1 as it seemed1 rising from the plain of the desert4 ,i knew it was the monastery4 ,it was many miles away1 and as ,i journeyed on it grew and grew1 until it swelled huge as a hill against the sky4 ,at length ,i came up to the door1 iron-clamped1 deep-set in a low thick wall4 ,it stood wide open4 ,i entered1 crossed a court1 reached the door of the monastery itself1 and again entered4 ,every door to which ,i came stood open1 but priest nor guide came to meet me1 and ,i saw no man1 and at length looked for none1 but used my best judgment to get deeper and deeper into the building1 for ,i scarce doubted that in its inmost penetralia ,i should find the treasure ,i sought4 ,at last ,i stood before a door hung with a curtain of rich workmanship1 torn in the middle from top to bottom4 ,through the rent ,i passed into a stone cell4 ,in the cell stood a table4 ,on the table was a closed book4 ,oh how my heart beat6 ,never but then have ,i known the feeling of utter preciousness in a thing possessed4 ,what doubts and fears would not this one lovely1 oh unutterably beloved volume1 lay at rest for ever6 ,how my eyes would dwell upon every stroke of every letter the hand of the dearest disciple had formed6 ,nearly eighteen hundred years--and there it lay6--and there ,,was a man who ,,did hear the ,master say the words1 and did set them down6 ,i stood motionless1 and my soul seemed to wind itself among the leaves1 while my body stood like a pillar of salt1 lost in its own gaze4 ,at last1 with sudden daring1 ,i made a step towards the table1 and1 bending with awe1 stretched out my hand to lay it upon the book4 ,but ere my hand reached it1 another hand1 from the opposite side of the table1 appeared upon it--an old1 blue-veined1 but powerful hand4 ,i looked up4 ,there stood the beloved disciple6 ,his countenance was as a mirror which shone back the face of the ,master4 ,slowly he lifted the book1 and turned away4 ,then first ,i saw behind him as it were an altar whereon a fire of wood was burning1 and a pang of dismay shot to my heart1 for ,i knew what he was about to do4 ,he laid the book on the burning wood1 and regarded it with a smile as it shrunk and shrivelled and smouldered to ashes4 ,then he turned to me and said1 while a perfect heaven of peace shone in his eyes3 ',son of man1 the ,word of ,god liveth and abideth for ever1 not in the volume of the book1 but in the heart of the man that in love obeyeth him4 ,and therewith ,i awoke weeping1 but with the lesson of my dream4 ,a deep silence fell on the little company4 ,then said ,wingfold1 ,i trust ,i have the lesson too4 ,he rose1 shook hands with them1 and1 without another word1 went home4 ,,chapter ,,iii4 ,,another ,,sermon4 ,it often seems to those in earnest about the right as if all things conspired to prevent their progress4 ,this of course is but an appearance1 arising in part from this1 that the pilgrim must be headed back from the side paths into which he is constantly wandering4 ,to ,wingfold1 however1 it seemed that all things fell in to further his quest1 which will not be so surprising if we remember that his was no intermittent repentant seeking1 but the struggle of his whole energy4 ,and there are those who1 in their very first seeking of it1 are nearer to the kingdom of heaven than many who have for years believed themselves of it4 ,in the former there is more of the mind of ,jesus1 and when he calls them they recognize him at once and go after him2 while the others examine him from head to foot1 and1 finding him not sufficiently like the ,jesus of their conception1 turn their backs1 and go to church1 or chapel1 or chamber1 to kneel before a vague form mingled of tradition and fancy4 ,but the first shall be last1 and the last first2 and there are from whom1 be it penny or be it pound1 what they have must be taken away because with them it lies useless4 ,for ,wingfold1 he soon found that his nature was being stirred to depths unsuspected before4 ,hitherto nothing had ever roused him to genuine activity3 his history not very happy2 his life not very interesting1 his work not congenial1 and paying itself in no satisfaction1 his pleasures of a cold and common intellectual sort1--he had dragged along1 sustained1 without the sense of its sustentation1 by the germ within him of a slowly developing honesty4 ,but now that ,conscience had got up into the guard's seat1 and ,will had taken the reins1 he found all his intellectual faculties in full play1 keeping well together1 heads up and traces tight1 while the outrider ,imagination1 with his spotted dog ,fancy1 was always far ahead1 but never beyond the sound of the guard's horn2 and ever as they went1 object after object hitherto beyond the radius of his interest1 rose on the horizon of question1 and began to glimmer in the dawn of human relation4 ,his first sermon is enough to show that he had begun to have thoughts of his own--a very different thing from the entertaining of the thoughts of others1 however well we may feed and lodge them--thoughts which came to him not as things which sought an entrance1 but as things that sought an exit--cried for forms of embodiment that they might pass out of the infinite1 and by incarnation become communicable4 ,the news of that strange first sermon had of course spread through the town1 and the people came to church the next ,sunday in crowds-- twice as many as the usual assembly--some who went seldom1 some who went nowhere1 some who belonged to other congregations and communities--mostly bent on witnessing whatever eccentricity the very peculiar young man might be guilty of next1 but having a few among them who were sympathetically interested in seeing how far his call1 if call it was1 would lead him4 ,his second sermon was to the same purport as the first4 ,preposing no text1 he spoke to the following effect1 and indeed the following are of the very words he uttered3 ,the church wherein you now listen1 my hearers1 the pulpit wherein ,i now speak1 stand here from of old in the name of ,christianity4 ,what is ,christianity8 ,i know but one definition1 the analysis of which1 if the thing in question be a truth1 must be the joyous labour of every devout heart to all eternity4 ,for ,christianity does not mean what you think or what ,i think concerning ,christ1 but what ,,is ,,of ,christ4 ,my ,christianity1 if ever ,i come to have any1 will be what of ,christ is in me2 your ,christianity now is what of ,christ is in you4 ,last ,sunday ,i showed you our ,lord's very words--that he1 and no other1 was his disciple who did what he told him1--and said therefore that ,i dared not call myself a disciple4 ,i say the same thing in saying now that ,i dare not call myself a ,christian1 lest ,i should offend him with my ',lord1 ,lord6' ,still it is1 and ,i cannot now help it1 in the name of ,christianity that ,i here stand4 ,i have1 alas1 with blameful and appalling thoughtlessness ,i subscribed my name1 as a believer1 to the ,articles of the ,church of ,england1 with no better reason than that ,i was unaware of any dissent therefrom1 and have been ordained one of her ministers4 ,the relations into which this has brought me ,i do not feel justified in severing at once1 lest ,i should therein seem to deny that which its own illumination may yet show me to be true1 and ,i desire therefore a little respite and room for thought and resolve4 ,but meantime it remains my business1 as an honest man in the employment of the church1 to do my best towards the setting forth of'the claims of him upon whom that church is founded1 and in whose name she exists4 ,as one standing on the outskirts of a listening ,galilean crowd1 a word comes now and then to my hungry ears and hungrier heart3 ,i turn and tell it again to you--not that ye have not heard it also1 but that ,i may stir you up to ask yourselves3 ',do ,i then obey this word8 ,have ,i ever1 have ,i once sought to obey it8 ,am ,i a pupil of ,jesus8 ,am ,i a ,christian8' ,hear then of his words4 ,for me1 they fill my heart with doubt and dismay4 ,the ,lord says3 ,love your enemies4 ,sayest thou1 ,it is impossible8 ,then dost thou mock the word of him who said1 ,i am the ,truth1 and has no part in him4 ,sayest thou1 ,alas1 ,i cannot8 ,thou sayest true1 ,i doubt not4 ,but hast thou tried whether he who made will not increase the strength put forth to obey him8 ,the ,lord says3 ,be ye perfect4 ,dost thou then aim after perfection1 or dost thou excuse thy wilful short-comings1 and say1 ,to err is human--nor hopest that it may also be found human to grow divine8 ,then ask thyself1 for thou hast good cause1 whether thou hast any part in him4 ,the ,lord said1 ,lay not up for yourselves treasures on earth4 ,my part is not now to preach against the love of money1 but to ask you3 ,are you laying up for yourselves treasures on earth8 ,as to what the command means1 the honest heart and the dishonest must each settle in his own way2 but if your heart condemn you1 what ,i have to say is1 ,call not yourselves ,christians1 but consider whether you ought not to become disciples indeed4 ,no doubt you can instance this1 that1 and the other man who does as you do1 and of whom yet no man dreams of questioning the ,christianity3 it matters not a hair2 all that goes but to say that you are pagans together4 ,do not mistake me3 ,i judge you not4 ,i but ask you1 as mouthpiece most unworthy of that ,christianity in the name of which this building stands and we are met therein1 to judge your own selves by the words of its founder4 ,the ,lord said3 ,take no thought for your life4 ,take no thought for the morrow4 ,explain it as you may or can--but ask yourselves--,do ,i take no thought for my life8 ,do ,i take no thought for the morrow8 and answer to yourselves whether or no ye are ,christians4 ,the ,lord says3 ,judge not4 ,didst thou judge thy neighbour yesterday8 ,wilt thou judge him again to-morrow8 ,art thon judging him now in the very heart that within thy bosom sits hearing the words ,judge not8 ,or wilt thou ask yet again--,who is my neighbour8 ,how then canst thou look to be of those that shall enter through the gates into the city8 ,i tell thee not1 for ,i profess not yet to know anything1 but doth not thy own profession of ,christianity counsel thee to fall upon thy face1 and cry to him whom thou mockest1 ',i am a sinful man1 ,o ,lord'8 ,the ,lord said3 ,all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you1 do ye even so to them4 ,ye that buy and sell1 do you obey this law8 ,examine yourselves and see4 ,ye would that men should deal fairly by you2 do you deal fairly by them as ye would count fairness in them to you8--,if conscience makes you hang the head inwardly1 however you sit with it erect in the pew1 dare you add to your crime against the law and the prophets the insult to ,christ of calling yourselves his disciples8 ,not every one that saith unto me1 ,lord1 ,lord1 shall enter into the kingdom of heaven1 but he that doeth the will of my ,father which is in heaven4 ,he will none but those who with him do the will of the ,father4 ,,chapter ,,iv4 ,,nursing4 ,i have of course given but the spine and ribs1 as it were1 of the sermon4 ,there is no place for more4 ,it is enough however to show that he came to the point--and what can be better in preaching8 ,certainly he was making the best of the blunder that had led him up into that pulpit6 ,and on the other hand1 whatever might be the various judgments and opinions of his hearers in respect of the sermon--a thing about which the less any preacher allows himself to think the better--many of them did actually feel that he had been preaching to them1 which is saying much4 ,even ,mrs4 ,ramshorn was more silent than usual as they went home1 and although--not having acquainted herself1 amongst others1 with the sermons of ,latimer--she was profoundly convinced that such preaching was altogether contrary to the tradition1 usage1 and tone of the ,english ,church1 of which her departed dean remained to her the unimpeachable embodiment and type1 the sole remark she made was1 that ,mr4 ,wingfold took quite too much pains to prove himself a pagan4 ,mr4 ,bascombe was in the same mind as before4 ,i like the fellow1 he said4 ,he says what he means1 fair and full1 and no shilly-shallying4 ,it's all great rubbish1 of course6 ,and the widow of the dean of blessed memory had not a word to say in defence of the sermon1 but1 for her1 let it go as the great rubbish he called it4 ,indeed1 not knowing the real mind of her nephew1 she was nothing less than gratified to hear from him an opinion so comfortably hostile to that of this most uncomfortable of curates1 whom you never could tell where to have1 and whom never since he had confessed to wrong in the reading of his uncle's sermons1 and thus unwittingly cast a reproach upon the memory of him who had departed from the harassed company of deans militant to the blessed company of deans triumphant1 had she invited to share at her table of the good things left behind4 ,why don't you ask him home to dinner1 aunt8 said ,bascombe1 after a pause unbroken by ,mrs4 ,ramshorn4 ,why should ,i1 ,george8 returned his aunt4 ,has he not been abusing us all at a most ignorant and furious rate8 ,oh6 ,i didn't know1 said the nephew1 and held his peace4 ,nor did the aunt perceive the sarcasm for the sake of pointing which he was silent4 ,but it was not lost1 and ,george was paid in full by the flicker of a faint smile across ,helen's face4 ,as for ,helen1 the sermon had indeed laid a sort of feebly electrical hold upon her1 the mere nervous influence of honesty and earnestness4 ,but she could not accuse herself of having ever made a prominent profession of ,christianity1 confirmation and communion notwithstanding2 and besides1 had she not now all but abjured the whole thing in her heart8 so that1 if every word of what he said was true1 not a word of it could be applied to her6 ,and what time had she to think about such far-away things as had happened eighteen centuries ago1 when there was her one darling pining away with a black weight on his heart6 ,for1 although ,leopold was gradually recovering1 a supreme dejection1 for which his weakness was insufficient to account1 prostrated his spirit1 and at length drove ,mr4 ,faber to ask ,helen whether she knew of any disappointment or other source of mental suffering that could explain it4 ,she told him of the habit he had formed1 and asked whether his being deprived of the narcotic might not be the cause4 ,he accepted the suggestion1 and set himself1 not without some success1 to repair the injury the abuse had occasioned4 ,still1 although his physical condition plainly improved1 the dejection continued1 and ,mr4 ,faber was thrown back upon his former conjecture4 ,learning nothing1 however1 and yet finding that1 as he advanced towards health1 his dejection plainly deepened1 he began at length to fear softening of the brain1 but could discover no other symptom of such disease4 ,the earnestness of the doctor's quest after a cause for what anyone might observe1 added greatly to ,helen's uneasiness2 and besides1 the fact itself began to undermine the hope of his innocence which had again sprung up and almost grown to assurance in the absence of any fresh contradiction from without4 ,also1 as his health returned1 his sleep became more troubled2 he dreamed more1 and showed by his increased agitation in his dreams that they were more painful4 ,in this respect his condition was at the worst always between two and three o'clock in the morning2 and having perceived this fact1 ,helen would never allow anyone except herself to sit up with him the first part of the night4 ,increased anxiety and continued watching soon told upon her health yet more severely1 and she lost appetite and complexion4 ,still she slept well during the latter part of the morning1 and it was in vain that aunt and doctor and nurse all expostulated with her upon the excess of her ministration3 nothing should make her yield the post until her brother was himself again4 ,nor was she without her reward1 and that a sufficing one--in the love and gratitude with which ,leopold clung to her4 ,during the day also she spent every moment1 except such as she passed in the open air1 and at table with her aunt1 by his bedside1 reading and talking to him2 but as yet not a single allusion had been made to the frightful secret4 ,at length he was so much better that there was no longer need for anyone to sit up with him2 but then ,helen had her bed put in the dressing-room1 that at one o'clock she might be by his side1 to sit there until three should be well over and gone4 ,thus she gave up her whole life to him1 and doubtless thereby gained much fresh interest in it for herself4 ,but the weight of the secret1 and the dread of the law1 were too much for her1 and were gradually undermining that strength of dissimulation in which she had trusted1 and which1 in respect of cheerfulness1 she had to exercise towards her brother as well as her aunt4 ,she struggled hard1 for if those weak despairing eyes of his were to encounter weakness and despair in hers1 madness itself would be at the door for both4 ,she had come nearly to the point of discovering that the soul is not capable of generating its own requirements1 that it needs to be supplied from a well whose springs lie deeper than its own soil1 in the infinite ,all1 namely1 upon which that soil rests4 ,happy they who have found that those springs have an outlet in their hearts--on the hill of prayer4 ,it was very difficult to lay her hands on reading that suited him4 ,gifted with a glowing yet delicate eastern imagination1 pampered and all but ruined1 he was impatient of narratives of common life1 whose current bore him to a reservoir and no sea2 while1 on the other hand1 some tales that seemed to ,helen poverty-stricken flats of nonsense1 or jumbles of false invention1 would in her brother wake an interest she could not understand1 appearing to afford him outlooks into regions to her unknown4 ,but from the moral element in any story he shrunk visibly4 ,she tried the ,german tales collected by the brothers ,grimm1 so popular with children of all ages2 but on the very first attempt she blundered into an awful one of murder and vengeance1 in which1 if the drawing was untrue1 the colour was strong1 and had to blunder clumsily out of it again1 with a hot face and a cold heart4 ,at length she betook herself to the ,thousand and ,one ,nights1 which she had never read1 and found very dull1 but which with ,leopold served for what book could do4 ,in the rest of the house things went on much the same4 ,old friends and their daughters called on ,mrs4 ,ramshorn1 and inquired after the invalid1 and ,george ,bascombe came almost every ,saturday1 and stayed till ,monday4 ,but the moment the tide of her trouble began again to rise1 ,helen found herself less desirous of meeting one from whom she could hope neither help nor cheer4 ,it might be that future generations of the death-doomed might pass their poor life a little more comfortably that she had not been a bad woman1 and she might be privileged to pass away from the world1 as ,george taught her1 without earning the curses of those that came after her2 but there was her precious brother lying before her with a horrible worm gnawing at his heart1 and what to her were a thousand generations unborn6 ,rather with ,macbeth she might well wish the estate o' the world were now undone--most of all when1 in the silent watches of the night1 as she sat by the bedside of her beloved and he slept1 his voice would come murmuring out of a dream1 sounding so far away that it seemed as if his spirit only and not his lips had spoken the words1 ,oh ,helen1 darling1 give me my knife4 ,why will you not let me die8 ,,chapter ,v4 ,,glaston ,,and ,,the ,,curate4 ,outside1 the sun rose and set1 never a crimson thread the less in the garment of his glory that the spirit of one of the children of the earth was stained with blood-guiltiness2 the moon came up and knew nothing of the matter2 the stars minded their own business2 and the people of ,glaston were talking about their curate's sermons4 ,alas1 it was about his sermons1 and not the subject of them1 that men talked1 their interest mainly roused by their ,,peculiarity1 and what some called the oddity of the preacher4 ,what had come to him8 ,he was not in the least like that for months after his appointment1 and the change came all at once6 ,yes--it began with those extravagant notions about honesty in writing his own sermons6 ,it might have been a sunstroke1 but it took him far too early in the year for that6 ,softening of the brain it might be1 poor fellow6 ,was not excessive vanity sometimes a symptom8--,poor fellow6 ,so said some4 ,but others said he was a clever fellow1 and long-headed enough to know that that sort of thing attracted attention1 and might open the way to a benefice1 or at least an engagement in ,london1 where eloquence was of more account than in a dead-and-alive country place like ,glaston1 from which the tide of grace had ebbed1 leaving that great ship of the church1 the ,abbey1 high and dry on the shore4 ,others again judged him a fanatic--a dangerous man4 ,such did not all venture to assert that he had erred from the way1 but what man was more dangerous than he who went too far8 ,possibly these forgot that the narrow way can hardly be one to sit down in comfortably1 or indeed to be entered at all save by him who tries the gate with the intent of going all the way--even should it lead up to the perfection of the ,father in heaven4 ,but1 they would in effect have argued1 is not a fanatic dangerous8 and is not an enthusiast always in peril of becoming a fanatic8--,be his enthusiasm for what it may--for ,jesus ,christ1 for ,god himself1 such a man is dangerous-- most dangerous6 ,there are so many things1 comfortably settled like ,presumption's tubs upon their own bottoms1 which such men would1 if they could1 at once upset and empty6 ,others suspected a ,romanizing drift in the whole affair4 ,wait until he gathers influence1 they said1 and a handful of followers1 and then you'll see6 ,they'll be all back to ,rome together in a month6 ,as the wind took by the tail ,st4 ,peter's cock on the church spire and whirled it about1 so did the wind of words in ,glaston rudely seize and flack hither and thither the spiritual reputation of ,thomas ,wingfold1 curate4 ,and all the time1 the young man was wrestling1 his life in his hand1 with his own unbelief2 while upon his horizon ever and anon rose the glimmer of a great aurora1 or the glimpse of a boundless main--if only he could have been sure they were no mirage of his own parched heart and hungry eye--that they were thoughts in the mind of the ,eternal1 and ,,threrfore had appeared in his1 even as the ,word was said to have become flesh and dwelt with men6 ,the next moment he would be gasping in that malarious exhalation from the marshes of his neglected heart--the counter-fear1 namely1 that the word under whose potent radiance the world seemed on the verge of budding forth and blossoming as the rose1 was ,,too ,,good ,,to ,,be ,,true4 ,yes1 much too good1 if there be no living1 self-willing ,good1 said ,polwarth one evening1 in answer to the phrase just dropped from his lips4 ,but if there be such a ,god as alone could be ,god1 can anything be too good to be true8--too good for such a ,god as contented ,jesus ,christ8 ,at one moment he was ready to believe everything1 even to that strangest1 yet to me right credible miracle of the fish and the piece of money1 and the next to doubt whether man had ever dared utter the words1 ,i and the ,father are one4 ,tossed he was and tormented in spirit1 calling even aloud sometimes to know if there was a ,god anywhere hearing his prayer1 sure only of this1 that whatever else any being might be1 if he heard not prayer1 he could not be the ,god for whom his soul cried and fainted4 ,sometimes there came to him1 it is true1 what he would gladly have taken for an answer1 but it was nothing more than the sudden descent of a kind of calmness on his spirit1 which1 for aught he could tell1 might be but the calm of exhaustion4 ,his knees were sore with kneeling1 his face white with thinking1 his eyes dim with trouble2 for when once a man has set out to find ,god1 he must find him or die4 ,this was the inside reality whose outcome set the public of ,glaston babbling4 ,it was from this that ,george ,bascombe magisterially pronounced him a hypochondriac1 worrying his brain about things that had no existence--as ,george himself could with confidence testify1 not once having seen the sight of them1 heard the sound of them1 or imagined in his heart that they ought to be1 or even that they might possibly be4 ,he pronounced indeed their existence inconsistent with his own4 ,the thought had never rippled the grey mass of his self-satisfied brain that perhaps there was more of himself than what he counted he himself yet knew1 and that possibly these matters had a consistent relation with parts unknown4 ,poor1 poverty-stricken ,wingfold6 --actually craving for things beneath ,bascombe's notice6 actually crying for something higher and brighter than the moon6 ,how independent was ,george compared with ,thomas6--content to live what he called his life1 be a benefactor to men1 chiefly in ridding their fancies of the goblins of aspiration1 then die his death1 and have done with the business2 while poor misguided1 weak-brained1 hypochondriacal ,thomas could be contented with nothing less than the fulfilment of the promise of a certain man who perhaps never existed3 ,the ,father and ,i will come to him and make our abode with him4 ,yet ,thomas too had his weakness for the testimony of the senses4 ,if he did not1 like ,george1 refuse to believe without it1 he yet could not help desiring signs and wonders that he might believe4 ,of this the following poem was a result1 and ,i give it the more willingly because it will show how the intellectual nature of the man had advanced1 borne on the waves that burst from the fountains of the great deep below it4 ,o ,lord1 if on the wind1 at cool of day1 ,i heard one whispered word of mighty grace2 ,if through the darkness1 as in bed ,i lay1 ,but once had come a hand upon my face2 ,if but one sign that might not be mistook1 ,had ever been1 since first thy face ,i sought1 ,i should not now be doubting o'er a book1 ,but serving thee with burning heart and thought4 ,so dreams that heart4 ,but to my heart ,i say1 ,turning my face to front the dark and wind3 ,such signs had only barred anew ,his way ,into thee1 longing heart1 thee1 wildered mind4 ,they asked the very ,way1 where lies the way2 ,the very ,son1 where is the ,father's face2 ,how he could show himself1 if not in clay1 ,who was the lord of spirit1 form1 and space4 ,my being1 ,lord1 will nevermore be whole ,until thou come behind mine ears and eyes1 ,enter and fill the temple of my soul ,with perfect contact--such a sweet surprise-- ,such presence as1 before it met the view1 ,the prophet-fancy could not once foresee1 ,though every corner of the temple knew ,by very emptiness its need of thee4 ,when ,i keep ,,all thy words1 no favoured some-- ,heedless of worldly winds or judgment's tide1 ,then1 ,jesus1 thou wilt with thy ,father come-- ,o ended prayers6--and in my soul abide4 ,ah long delay6--ah cunning1 creeping sin6 ,i shall but fail and cease at length to try3 ,o ,jesus1 though thou wilt not yet come in1 ,knock at my window as thou passest by4 ,,chapter ,,vi4 ,,the ,,linen-,,draper4 ,but there was yet another class amongst those who on that second day heard the curate testify what honestly he might1 and no more1 concerning ,jesus of ,nazareth4 ,so far as he learned1 however1 that class consisted of one individual4 ,on the following ,tuesday morning he went into the shop of the chief linen-draper of ,glaston1 for he was going to a funeral1 and wanted a new pair of gloves that he might decline those which would be offered him4 ,a young woman waited on him1 but ,mr4 ,drew1 seeing him from the other end of the shop1 came and took her place4 ,when he was fitted1 had paid for his purchase1 and was turning to take his leave1 the draper1 with what appeared a resolution suddenly forced from hesitation1 leaned over the counter and said3 ,would you mind walking up stairs for a few minutes1 sir8 ,i ask it as a great favour4 ,i want very much to speak to you4 ,i shall be most happy1 answered ,wingfold--conventionally1 it must be allowed1 for in reality he anticipated expostulation1 and having in his public ministrations to do his duty against his own grain1 he had no fancy for encountering other people's grain as well in private4 ,mr4 ,drew opened certain straits in the counter1 and the curate followed him through them1 then through a door1 up a stair1 and into a comfortable dining-room1 which smelt strongly of tobacco4 ,there ,mr4 ,drew placed for him a chair1 and seated himself in front of him4 ,the linen-draper was a middle-aged1 middle-sized1 stoutish man1 with plump rosy cheeks1 keen black eyes1 and features of the not uncommon pug-type1 ennobled and harmonized by a genuine expression of kindly good-humour1 and an excellent forehead4 ,his dark hair was a little streaked with gray4 ,his manner1 which1 in the shop1 had been of the shop1 that is1 more deferential and would-be pleasing than ,wingfold liked1 settled as he took his seat into one more resembling that of a country gentleman4 ,it was courteous and friendly1 but clouded with a little anxiety4 ,an uncomfortable pause following1 ,wingfold stumbled in with the question1 ,i hope ,mrs4 ,drew is well1 without reflecting whether he had really ever heard of a ,mrs4 ,drew4 ,the draper's face flushed4 ,it is twenty years since ,i lost her1 sir1 he returned4 ,in his tone and manner there was something peculiar4 ,i beg your pardon1 said ,wingfold1 with self-accusing sincerity4 ,i will be open with you sir1 continued his host3 she left me--with another--nearly twenty years ago4 ,i am ashamed of my inadvertence1 rejoined ,wingfold4 ,i have been such a short time here1 and-- ,do not mention it1 sir4 ,how could you help it8 ,besides1 it was not here the thing took place1 but a hundred miles away4 ,i hope ,i should before long have referred to the fact myself4 ,but now ,i desire1 if you will allow me1 to speak of something different4 ,i am at your service1 answered ,wingfold4 ,thank you1 sir4--,i was in your church last ,sunday1 resumed the draper after a pause4 ,i am not one of your regular hearers1 sir2 but your sermon that day set me thinking1 and instead of thinking less when ,monday came1 ,i have been thinking more and more ever since2 and when ,i saw you in the shop1 ,i could not resist the sudden desire to speak to you4 ,if you have time1 sir1 ,i hope you will allow me to come to the point my own way8 ,wingfold assured him that his time was at his own disposal1 and could not be better occupied4 ,mr4 ,drew thanked him and went on4 ,your sermon1 ,i must confess1 sir1 made me uncomfortable--no fault of yours1 sir--all my own--though how much the fault is1 ,i hardly know3 use and custom are hard upon a man1 sir1 and you would have a man go by other laws than those of the world he lives in4 ,the earth is the ,lord's and the fulness thereof--you will doubtless say4 ,that is over the ,royal ,exchange in ,london1 ,i think2 but it is not the laws of the ,lord that are specially followed inside for all that4 ,however1 it is not with other people we have to do1 but with ourselves--as you will say4 ,well then it is for myself ,i am troubled now4 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 sir1 ,i am not altogether at ease in my own mind as to the way ,i have made my money--what little money ,i have--no great sum1 but enough to retire upon when ,i please4 ,i would not have you think me worse than ,i am1 but ,i am sincerely desirous of knowing what you would have me do4 ,my dear sir1 returned ,wingfold1 ,i am the very last to look to for enlightenment4 ,i am as ignorant of business as any child4 ,i am not aware that ,i ever bought anything except books and clothes1 or ever sold anything except a knife to a schoolfellow4 ,i had bought it the day before for half-a-crown1 but there was a spot of rust on one of the blades1 and therefore ,i parted with it for twopence4 ,the only thing ,i can say is3 if you have been in the way of doing anything you are no longer satisfied with1 don't do it any more4 ,but just there comes my need of help4 ,you must do something with your business1 and ,,don',t ,,do ,,it1 don't tell me what to do4 ,mind ,i do not confess to having done anything the trade would count inadmissible1 or which is not done in the largest establishments4 ,what ,i now make a question of ,i learned in one of the most respectable of ,london houses4 ,you imply that a man in your line who would not do certain things the doing of which has contributed to the making of your fortune1 would by the ordinary dealer be regarded as ,quixotic8 ,he would2 but that there may be such men ,i am bound to allow1 for here am ,i wishing with all my heart that ,i had never done them4 ,right gladly would ,i give up the money ,i have made by them to be rid of them4 ,i am unhappy about it4 ,but ,i should never have dared to confess it to you1 sir1 or1 ,i believe1 to anyone1 but for the confession you made in the pulpit some time ago4 ,i was not there1 but ,i heard of it4 ,i foolishly judged you unwise to accuse yourself before an unsympathizing public--but here am ,i in consequence accusing myself to you6 ,to no unsympathising hearer1 though1 said the curate4 ,it made me want to go and hear you preach1 pursued the draper2 for no one could say but it was plucky--and we all like pluck1 sir1 he added1 with a laugh that puckered his face1 showed the whitest of teeth1 and swept every sign of trouble from the half-globe of his radiant countenance4 ,then you know sum and substance of what ,i can do for you1 ,mr4 ,drew3 ,i can sympathize with you2--not a whit more or less am ,i capable of4 ,i am the merest beginner and dabbler in doing right myself1 and have more need to ask you to teach me than to set up for teaching you4 ,that's the beauty of you6--excuse me1 sir1 cried the draper triumphantly4 ,you don't pretend to teach us anything1 but you make us so uncomfortable that we go about ever after asking ourselves what we ought to do4 ,till last ,sunday1 ,i had always looked upon myself as an honest man3 let me see3 it would be more correct to say ,i looked on myself as a man ,,quite ,,honest ,,enough4 ,that ,i do not feel so now1 is your doing1 sir4 ,you said in your sermon last ,sunday1 and specially to business men3 ',do you do to your neighbour as you would have your neighbour do to you8 ,if not1 how can you suppose that the lord of ,christians will acknowledge you as a disciple of his1 that is1 as a ,christian8' ,now ,i was even surer of being a ,christian than of being an honest man4 ,you will hardly believe it1 and what to think of it myself ,i now hardly know1 but ,i had satisfied myself1 more or less1 that ,i had gone through all the necessary stages of being born again1 and it is now many years since ,i was received into a ,christian church--dissenting of course1 ,i mean2 for what ,i count the most important difference after all between church and dissent is that the one1 right or wrong1 requires for communion a personal profession of faith1 and credible proof of conversion--which ,i believed ,i gave them1 and have been for years1 ,i shame to say it1 one of the deacons of that community4 ,but it shall not be for long4 ,to return to my story1 however3 ,i was indignant at being called upon from a church-pulpit to raise in myself the question whether or not ,i was a ,christian2--for had ,i not put my faith in the--8 ,but ,i will avoid theology1 for ,i have paid more regard to that than has proved good for me4 ,suffice it to say that ,i was now driven from the tests of the theologians to try myself by the words of the ,master3 he must be the best theologian after all1 mustn't he1 sir8--and so there and then ,i tried the test of doing to your neighbour ,,as4 ,but ,i could ,,not get it to work2 ,i could not see how to use it1 and while ,i was trying how to make it apply1 you were gone1 and ,i lost all the rest of the sermon4 ,now whether it was anything you had said coming back to me1 ,i cannot tell1 but next day1 that was yesterday1 all at once1 in the shop here1 as ,i was serving ,mrs4 ,ramshorn1 the thought came to me3 ,how would ,jesus ,christ have done if he had been a draper instead of a carpenter8 ,when she was gone1 ,i went up to my room to think about it4 ,and there it seemed--that first ,i must know how he did as a carpenter4 ,but that we are told nothing about4 ,i could get no light upon that4 ,and so my thoughts turned again to the original question4 --,how would he have done had he been a draper8 ,and1 strange to say1 ,i seemed to know far more about that than the other1 and to have something to go upon4 ,in fact ,i had a sharp and decisive answer concerning several things of which ,i had dared to make a question4 ,the vision of the ideal woke the ideal in yourself1 said ,wingfold thoughtfully4 ,i don't know that ,i quite understand that1 returned ,mr4 ,drew2 but the more ,i thought the more dissatisfied ,i became4 ,and1 in a word1 it has come to this1 that ,i must set things right1 or give up business4 ,that would be no victory1 remarked the curate4 ,i know it1 and shall not yield without a struggle1 ,i promise you4 ,that same afternoon1 taking the opportunity of having overheard one of them endeavouring to persuade an old farmer's wife to her disadvantage1 ,i called all my people1 and told them that if ever ,i heard one of them do such a thing1 ,i would turn him or her away at once4 ,but when ,i came to look at it1 ,i saw how difficult it would be to convict of the breach of such a vague law2 and unfortunately too ,i had some time ago introduced the system of a small percentage to the sellers1 making it their interest to force sales4 ,that however is easily rectified1 and ,i shall see to it at once4 ,but ,i do wish ,i had a more definite law to follow than that of doing ,,as6 ,would not more light inside do as well as clearer law outside8 suggested ,wingfold4 ,how can ,i tell till ,i have had a chance of trying8 returned the draper with a smile1 which speedily vanished as he went on3 ,then again1 there's about profits6 ,how much ought ,i to take8 ,am ,i to do as others do1 and always be ruled by the market8 ,am ,i bound to give my customers the advantage of any special bargain ,i may have made8 ,and then again--for ,i do a large wholesale business with the little country shops--if ,i learn that one of my customers is going down hill1 have ,i1 or have ,i not1 a right to pounce upon him1 and make him pay me1 to the detriment of his other creditors8 ,there's no end of questions1 you see1 sir4 ,i am the worst possible man to ask1 returned ,wingfold again4 ,i might1 from very ignorance1 judge that wrong which is really right1 or that right which is really wrong4 ,but one thing ,i begin to see1 that before a man can do right by his neighbour1 he must love him as himself4 ,only ,i am such a poor scholar in these high things that1 as you have just said1 ,i cannot pretend to teach anybody4 ,that sermon was but an appeal to men's own consciences whether they kept the words of the ,lord by whose name they called themselves4 ,except in your case1 ,mr4 ,drew1 ,i am not aware that one of the congregation has taken it to heart4 ,i am not sure of that1 returned the draper4 ,some talk amongst my own people has made me fancy that1 perhaps1 though talk be but froth1 the froth may rise from some hot work down below4 ,never man could tell from the quiet way ,i am talking to you1 how much ,i have felt these few days past4 ,wingfold looked him in the face3 the earnestness of the man was plain in his eyes1 and his resolve stamped on every feature4 ,the curate thought of ,zacchaeus2 thought of ,matthew at the receipt of custom2 thought with some shame of certain judgments concerning trade1 and shopkeepers especially1 that seemed somehow to have bred in him like creeping things--for whence they had come he could not tell4 ,now it was clear as day that--always provided the man ,christ ,jesus can be and is with his disciples always to the end of the world--a tradesman might just as soon have ,jesus behind the counter with him1 teaching him to buy and sell ,,in ,,his ,,name1 that is1 as he would have done it1 as an earl riding over his lands might have him with him1 teaching him how to treat his farmers and cottagers--all depending on how the one did his trading and the other his earling4 ,a mere truism1 is it8 ,yes1 it is1 and more is the pity2 for what is a truism1 as most men count truisms8 ,what is it but a truth that ought to have been buried long ago in the lives of men--to send up for ever the corn of true deeds and the wine of loving kindness1--but instead of being buried in friendly soil1 is allowed to lie about1 kicked hither and thither in the dry and empty garret of their brains1 till they are sick of the sight and sound of it1 and to be rid of the thought of it1 declare it to be no living truth but only a lifeless truism6 ,yet in their brain that truism must rattle until they shift it to its rightful quarters in their heart1 where it will rattle no longer but take root and be a strength and loveliness4 ,is a truth to cease to be uttered because no better form than that of some divine truism--say of ,st4 ,john ,boanerges--can be found for it8 ,to the critic the truism is a sea-worn1 foot-trodden pebble2 to the obedient scholar1 a radiant topaz1 which1 as he polishes it with the dust of its use1 may turn into a diamond4 ,jesus buying and selling6 said ,wingfold to himself4 ,and why not8 ,did ,jesus make chairs and tables1 or boats perhaps1 which the people of ,nazareth wanted1 without any admixture of trade in the matter8 ,was there no transaction8 ,no passing of money between hands8 ,did they not pay his father for them8 ,was his ,father's way of keeping things going in the world1 too vile for the hands of him whose being was delight in the will of that ,father8 ,no2 there must be a way of handling money that is noble as the handling of the sword in the hands of the patriot4 ,neither the mean man who loves it1 nor the faithless man who despises it1 knows how to handle it4 ,the former is one who allows his dog to become a nuisance1 the latter one who kicks him from his sight4 ,the noble man is he who so truly does the work given him to do that the inherent nobility of that work is manifest4 ,and the trader who trades nobly is nobler surely than the high-born who1 if he carried the principles of his daily life into trade1 would be as pitiful a sneak as any he that bows and scrapes falsely behind that altar of lies1 his counter4--,all flat truisms ,i know1 but no longer such to ,wingfold to whom they now for the first time showed themselves truths4 ,he had taken a kindly leave of the draper1 promising to call again soon1 and had reached the room-door on his way out1 when he turned suddenly and said1 ,did you think to try praying1 ,mr4 ,drew8 ,men1 whose minds1 if ,i may venture to judge1 seem to me1 from their writings1 of the very highest order1 have really and positively believed that the loftiest activity of a man's being lay in prayer to the unknown ,father of that being1 and that light in the inward parts was the certain consequence--that1 in very truth1 not only did the prayer of the man find the ear of ,god1 but the man himself found ,god ,himself4 ,i have no right to an opinion1 but ,i have a splendid hope that ,i shall one day find it true4 ,the ,lord said a man must go on praying and not lose heart4 ,with the words he walked out1 and the deacon thought of his many prayers at prayer-meetings and family-worships4 ,the words of a young man who seemed to have only just discovered that there was such a thing as prayer1 who could not pretend to be sure about it1 but hoped splendidly1 made him ashamed of them all4 ,,chapter ,,vii4 ,,rachel4 ,wingfold went straight to his friend ,polwarth1 and asked him if he would allow him to bring ,mr4 ,drew some evening to tea4 ,you mean the linen-draper8 asked ,polwarth4 ,certainly1 if you wish it4 ,some troubles are catching1 said the curate4 ,drew has caught my disease4 ,i am delighted to hear it4 ,it would be hard to catch a better1 and it's one a rich man1 as they say he is1 seldom does catch4 ,but ,i always liked his round1 good-humoured1 honest face4 ,if ,i remember rightly1 he had a sore trial in his wife4 ,it is generally understood that she ran away with some fellow or other4 ,but that was before he came to live in ,glaston4--,would you mind looking in upon ,rachel for a few minutes1 sir8 ,she is not so well to-day1 and has not been out of her own room4 ,with all my heart1 answered ,wingfold4 ,i am sorry to hear she is suffering4 ,she is always suffering more or less1 said the little man4 ,but she enjoys life notwithstanding1 as you may clearly see4 ,it is to her only a mitigated good1 and that1 ,i trust1 for the sake of an unmitigated one4--,come this way1 sir4 ,he led the curate to the room next his own4 ,it was a humble little garret1 but dainty with whiteness4 ,one who did not thoroughly know her1 might have said it was like her life1 colourless1 but bright with innocence and peace4 ,the walls were white2 the boards of the uncarpeted floor were as white as scrubbing could make old deal2 the curtains of windows and bed were whiteness itself2 the coverlet was white2 so was the face that looked smiling over the top of it from the one low white pillow4 ,but although ,wingfold knew that face so well1 he almost started at the sight of it now3 in the patience of its suffering it was positively lovely4 ,all that was painful to see was hidden2 the crooked little body lay at rest in the grave of the bed-clothes2 the soul rose from it1 and looked1 gracious with womanhood1 in the eyes of the curate4 ,i cannot give you my hand1 she said smiling1 as he went softly towards her1 feeling like ,moses when he put off his shoes1 for ,i have such a pain in my arm1 ,i cannot well raise it4 ,the curate bowed reverentially1 seated himself in a chair by her bedside1 and1 like a true comforter1 said nothing4 ,don't be sorry for me1 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 said her sweet voice at length4 ,the poor dwarfie1 as the children call me1 is not a creature to be pitied4 ,you don't know how happy ,i am as ,i lie here1 knowing my uncle is in the next room1 and will come the moment ,i call him--and that there is one nearer still1 she added in a lower voice1 almost in a whisper1 whom ,i haven't even to call4 ,i am his1 and he shall do with me just as he likes4 ,i fancy sometimes1 when ,i have to lie still1 that ,i am a little sheep1 tied hands and feet--,i should have said all four feet1 if ,i am a sheep--and here she gave a little merry laugh--lying on an altar--the bed here--burning away1 in the flame of life1 that consumes the deathful body--burning1 heart and soul and sense1 up to the great ,father4--,forgive me1 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 for talking about myself1 but you looked so miserable6 and ,i knew it was your kind heart feeling for me4 ,but ,i need not1 for that1 have gone on at such a rate4 ,i am ashamed of myself6 ,on the contrary1 ,i am exceedingly obliged to you for honouring me by talking so freely1 said ,wingfold4 ,it is a great satisfaction to find that suffering is not necessarily unhappiness4 ,i could be well content to suffer also1 ,miss ,polwarth1 if with the suffering ,i might have the same peace4 ,sometimes ,i am troubled1 she answered2 but generally ,i am in peace1 and sometimes too happy to dare speak about it4--,would the persons you and my uncle were talking about the other day--would they say all my pleasant as well as my painful thoughts came from the same cause--vibrations in my brain8 ,no doubt4 ,they would say1 ,i presume1 that the pleasant thoughts come from regular1 and the unpleasant from irregular motions of its particles4 ,they must give the same origin to both4 ,would you be willing to acknowledge that only your pleasant thoughts had a higher origin1 and that your painful ones came from physical sources8 ,because of a headache and depression of spirits1 ,wingfold had been turning over similar questions in his own mind the night before4 ,i see1 said the dwarfie--,i see4 ,no4 ,there are sad thoughts sometimes which in their season ,i would not lose1 for ,i would have their influences with me always4 ,in their season they are better than a host of happy ones1 and there is joy at the root of all4 ,but if they did come from physical causes1 would it follow that they did not come from ,god8 ,is he not the ,god of the dying as well as the ,god of the living8 ,if there be a ,god1 ,miss ,polwarth1 returned ,wingfold eagerly1 then is he ,god everywhere1 and not a maggot can die any more than a ,shakespeare be born without him4 ,he is either enough1 that is1 all in all1 or he is not at all4 ,that is what ,i think--because it is best3--,i can give no better reason4 ,if there be a ,god1 there can be no better reason1 said ,wingfold4 ,this ,,if of ,wingfold's was1 ,i need hardly now say1 an ,,if of bare honesty1 and came of no desire to shake an unthinking confidence4 ,neither1 had it been of the other sort1 could it have shaken ,rachel's1 for her confidence was full of thinking4 ,as little could it shock her1 for she hardly missed a sentence that passed between her uncle and his new friend4 ,she made no reply1 never imagining it her business to combat the doubts of a man whom she knew to be eager after the truth1 and being guiltless of any tendency1 because she believed1 to condemn doubt as wicked4 ,a short silence followed4 ,how delightful it must be to feel well and strong6 said ,rachel at length4 ,i can't help often thinking of ,miss ,lingard4 ,it's always ,miss ,lingard comes up to me when ,i think of such things4 ,oh6 ain't she beautiful and strong1 ,mr4 ,wingfold8--and sits on her horse as straight as a rush6 ,it does one good to see her4 ,just fancy me on a great tall horse6 ,what a bag of potatoes ,i should look6 ,she burst into a merry laugh1 and then came a few tears1 which were not all of the merriment of which she let them pass as the consequence1 remarking1 as she wiped them away1 ,but no one can tell1 ,mr4 ,wingfold1--and ,i'm sure ,miss ,lingard would be astonished to hear--what pleasure ,i have while lying unable to move4 ,i suppose ,i benefit by what people call the law of compensation6 ,how ,i hate the word6 ,as if ,,that was the way the ,father of ,jesus ,christ did1 and not his very best to get his children1 elder brothers and prodigal sons1 home to his heart6 ,you heard what my uncle said about dreams the other day8 she resumed after a little pause4 ,yes4 ,i thought it very sensible1 replied the curate4 ,it all depends on the sort1 don't it8 said ,rachel4 ,some of mine ,i would not give for a library4 ,they make me grow1 telling me things ,i should never learn otherwise4 ,i don't mean any rubbish about future events1 and such like4 ,of all useless things a knowledge of the future seems to me the most useless1 for what are you to do with a thing before it exists8 ,such a knowledge could only bewilder you as to the right way to take--would make you see double instead of single4 ,that's not the sort ,i mean at all4--,you won't laugh at me1 ,mr4 ,wingfold8 ,i can scarcely imagine anything less likely4 ,then ,i don't mind opening my toy-box to you4--,in my dreams1 for instance1 ,i am sometimes visited by such a sense of freedom as fills me with a pure bliss unknown to my waking thoughts except as a rosy cloud on the horizon4 ,as if they were some heavenly corporation1 my dreams present me1 not with the freedom of some poor little city like ,london1 but with the freedom of all space4 ,the curate sat and listened with wonder--but with no sense of unfitness2 such speech and such thought suited well with the face that looked up from the low pillow with its lovely eyes--for lovely they were1 with a light that had both flash and force4 ,i don't believe1 she went on1 that even ,miss ,lingard has more of the blessed sense of freedom and strength and motion when she is on horseback than ,i have when ,i am asleep4 ,the very winds of my dreams will make me so unspeakabably happy that ,i wake weeping4 ,do not tell me it is gone then1 for ,i continue so happy that ,i can hardly get to sleep again to hunt for more joy4 ,don't say it is an unreality--for where does freedom lie8 ,in the body or in the mind8 ,what does it matter whether my body be lying still or moving from one spot of space to another8 ,what is the good of motion but to produce the feeling of freedom8 ,the feeling is everything1 and if ,i have it1 that is all that ,i want4 ,bodily motion would indeed disturb it for me--lay fetters on my spirit4--,sometimes1 again1 ,i dream of a new flower--one never before beheld by mortal eye--with some strange1 wonderful quality in it1 perhaps1 that makes it a treasure1 like that flower of ,milton's invention--haemony--in ,comus1 you know4 ,but one curious thing is that that strange quality will never be recalled in waking hours2 so that what it was ,i can never tell--as if it belonged to other regions than the life of this world3 ,i retain only the vaguest memory of its power1 and marvel1 and preciousness4--,sometimes it is a little poem or a song ,i dream of1 or some strange musical instrument1 perhaps like one of those ,i have seen angels with in a photograph from an old picture4 ,and somehow with the instrument always comes the knowledge of how to play upon it4 ,so you see1 sir1 as it has pleased ,god to send me into the world as crooked as a crab1 and nearly as lame as a seal1 it has pleased him also to give me the health and riches of the night to strengthen me for the pains and poverties of the day4--,you rejoice in a beautiful thought when it comes to you1 ,mr4 ,wingfold--do you not8 ,when it comes to me1 answered ,wingfold significantly--almost petulantly4 ,could it be that he envied the dwarf-girl8 ,then is the thought any worse because it comes in a shape8--or is the feeling less of a feeling that it is born in a dream8 ,i need no convincing1 ,i admit all you say1 returned ,wingfold4 ,why are you so silent1 then8 ,you make me think you are objecting inside to everything ,i am saying1 rejoined ,rachel with a smile4 ,partly because ,i fear you are exciting yourself too much and will suffer in consequence1 answered the curate1 who had noted the rosy flush on her face4 ,the same moment her uncle re-entered the room4 ,i have been trying to convince ,mr4 ,wingfold that there ,,may be some good in dreaming1 uncle1 she said4 ,successfully8 asked ,polwarth4 ,unnecessarily1 interjected ,wingfold4 ,i required for conviction only the facts4 ,why should ,i suppose that1 if there be a ,god1 he is driven out of us by sleep8 ,it is an awful thing1 said ,polwarth1 to think--that this feeble individuality of ours1 the offspring of ,god's individuality1 should have some power1 and even more will than power1 to close its door against him1 and keep house without him6 ,but what sort of a house8 murmured ,wingfold4 ,yes1 uncle1 said ,rachel2 but think how he keeps about us1 haunting the doors and windows like the very wind1 watching to get in6 ,and sometimes he makes of himself a tempest1 that both doors and windows fly open1 and he enters in fear and dismay4 ,the prophetic in the uncle was the poetic in the niece4 ,for you and me1 uncle1 she went on1 he made the doors and windows so rickety that they ,,could not keep him out4 ,ye are the temples of the ,holy ,ghost1 said the curate1 almost unconsciously4 ,some of us a little ruinous6 rejoined the girl4 ,so full was her soul of a lively devotion that she took the liberties of a child of the house with sacred things4 ,but1 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 she continued4 ,i must tell you one more curious thing about my dreams3 ,i ,,never dream of being crooked and dwarfish4 ,i don't dream that ,i am straight either2 ,i suppose ,i feel all right1 and therefore never think about it4 ,that makes me fancy my soul must be straight4--,don't you think so1 sir8 ,indeed ,i do1 said ,wingfold warmly4 ,i'm afraid ,i shall be telling you some of my dreams some day4 ,we are rather given to that weakness1 said ,polwarth1--so much so as to make me fear for our brains sometimes4 ,but a crooked rose-tree may yet bear a good rose4 ,ah6 you are thinking of my poor father1 uncle1 ,i know1 said ,rachel4 ,his was a straight stem and a fine rose1 only overblown1 perhaps4--,i don't think ,i need be much afraid of that1 for if ,i were to go out of my mind1 ,i should not have strength to live--unless indeed ,i knew ,god through all the madness4 ,i think my father did in a way4 ,it was quite plain he did1 answered her uncle1 and that in no feeble way either4--,some day ,i must tell you1--here he turned to ,wingfold--about that brother of mine1 ,rachel's father4 ,i should even like to show you a manuscript he left behind him--surely one of the strangest ever written6 ,it would be well worth printing if that would ensure its falling into the hands of those who could read through the madness4--,but we have talked quite long enough for your head1 child2 ,i will take ,mr4 ,wingfold into the next room4 ,,chapter ,,viii4 ,,the ,,butterfly4 ,as ,wingfold walked home that afternoon1 he thought much of what he had heard and seen4 ,if there be a ,god1 he said to himself1 then all is well1 for certainly he would not give being to such a woman1 and then throw her aside as a failure1 and forget her4 ,it is strange to see1 though1 how he permits his work to be thwarted4 ,to be the perfect ,god notwithstanding1 he must be able to turn the very thwarting to higher furtherance4 ,don't we see something of the sort in life--the vigorous nursed by the arduous8 ,is it presumptuous to imagine ,god saying to ,rachel3 ',trust me1 and bear1 and ,i will do better for thee than thou canst think8' ,certainly the one who most needs the comfort of such a faith1 in this case ,,has it4 ,i wish ,i could be as sure of him as ,rachel ,polwarth6--,but then1 he added1 smiling to himself1 she has had her crooked spine to help her6 ,it seems as if nothing less than the spiritual beholding of the ,eternal will produce at least absolute belief4 ,and till then what better or indeed other proof can the less receive of the presence of the greater than the expansion of its own being under the influences of that greater8 ,but my plague now is that the ideas of religion are so grand1 and the things all around it in life so common-place1 that they give the lie to each other from morning to night--in my mind1 ,i mean4 ,which is the true8 a loving1 caring father1 or the grinding of cruel poverty and the naked exposure to heedless chance8 ,how is it that1 while the former seems the only right1 reasonable1 and all-sufficing thing1 it should yet come more naturally to believe in the latter8 ,and yet1 when ,i think of it1 ,i never did come closer to believing in the latter than is indicated by terror of its possible truth--so many things looked like it4--,then1 what has nature in common with the ,bible and its metaphysics8--,there ,i am wrong--she has a thousand things4 ,the very wind on my face seems to rouse me to fresh effort after a pure healthy life6 ,then there is the sunrise6 ,there is the snowdrop in the snow6 ,there is the butterfly6 ,there is the rain of summer1 and the clearing of the sky after a storm6 ,there is the hen gathering her chickens under her wing6--,i begin to doubt whether there be the common-place anywhere except in our own mistrusting nature1 that will cast no care upon the ,unseen4 ,it is with me1 in regard to my better life1 as it was with the disciples in regard to their bodily life1 when they were for the time rendered incapable of understanding the words of our ,lord by having forgotten to take bread in the boat3 they were so afraid of being hungry that they could think of nothing but bread4 ,such were some of the curate's thoughts as he walked home1 and they drove him to prayer1 in which came more thoughts4 ,when he reached his room he sat down at his table1 and wove and knotted and pieced together the following verses1 venturing that easy yet perilous thing1 a sonnet4 ,i give here its final shape1 not its first or second3 ,methought ,i floated sightless1 nor did know ,that ,i had ears until ,i heard the cry ,as of a mighty man in agony3 ,how long1 ,lord1 shall ,i lie thus foul and slow8 ,the arrows of thy lightning through me go1 ,and sting and torture me--yet here ,i lie ,a shapeless mass that scarce can mould a sigh4 ,the darkness thinned2 ,i saw a thing below1 ,like sheeted corpse1 a knot at head and feet4 ,slow clomb the sun the mountains of the dead1 ,and looked upon the world3 the silence broke6 ,a blinding struggle6 then the thunderous beat ,of great exulting pinions stroke on stroke6 ,and from that world a mighty angel fled4 ,but upon the heels of the sonnet came1 as was natural1 according to the law of reaction1 a fresh and more appalling1 because more self-assertive and verisimilous invasion of the commonplace4 ,what a foolish1 unreal thing he had written6 ,he caught up his hat and stick and hurried out1 thinking to combat the demon better in the open air4 ,,chapter ,,ix4 ,,the ,,common-,,place4 ,it was evening1 and the air was still warm4 ,pine ,street was almost empty1 save of the red sun1 which blinded him so that wherever he looked he could only see great sunblots4 ,all but a few of the shops were closed1 but amongst the few he was surprised to find that of his friend the linendraper1 who had always been a strong advocate of early closing4 ,the shutters were up1 however1 though the door stood wide open4 ,he peeped in4 ,to his sun-blinded eyes the shop looked very dark1 but he thought he saw ,mr4 ,drew talking to some one1 and entered4 ,he was right2 it was the draper himself1 and a poor woman with a child on one arm1 and a print dress she had just bought on the other4 ,the curate leaned against the counter1 and waited until business should be over to address his friend4 ,is ,mr4 ,drew an embryonic angel8 he half felt1 half thought within himself4 ,is this shop the chrysalis of a great psyche8 ,will the draper1 with his round good-humoured face and puckering smile1 ever spread thunderous wings and cleave the air up to the throne of ,god8 ,i cannot tell you how it goes against me to take that woman's money1 said the voice of the draper4 ,the curate woke up in the presence of the unwinged1 and saw that the woman had left the shop4 ,i did let her have the print at cost-price1 ,mr4 ,drew went on1 laughing merrily4 ,that was all ,i could venture on4 ,where was the danger8 ,ah1 you don't know so well as ,i do the good of having some difficulty in getting what you need6 ,to ease the struggles of the poor1 unless it be in sickness or absolute want1 ,i have repeatedly proved to be a cruel kindness4 ,then you don't sell to the poor women at cost-price always8 ,no--only to the soldiers' wives4 ,they have a very hard life of it1 poor things6 ,that is your custom1 then8 ,for the last ten years1 but ,i don't let them know it4 ,is it for the soldiers' wives you keep your shop open so late8 ,i thought you were the great supporter of early closing in ,glaston1 said the curate4 ,i will tell you how it happened to-night1 answered the draper1 and as he spoke he turned round1 not his long left ear upon the pivot of his skull1 but his whole person upon the pivot of the counter--to misuse the word pivot with ,wordsworth--and bolted the shop-door4 ,after the young men had put up the shutters and were gone1 he said1 returning to the counter1 leaving me as usual to bolt the door1 ,i fell a-thinking4 ,outside1 the street was full of sunlight1 but only enough came in to show how gloomy the place was without more of it1 and the back of the shop was nearly dark4 ,it was very still too--so still that the silence seemed to have taken the shape of gloom4 ,pardon me for talking in this unbusiness-like way3 a man can't be a draper always2 he must be foolish sometimes4 ,thirty years ago ,i used to read ,tennyson4 ,i believe ,i was amongst the earliest of his admirers4 ,foolish6 echoed ,wingfold1 thoughtfully4 ,you see1 the draper went on1 there ,,is something solemn in the quiet after business is over4 ,sometimes it's more so1 sometimes less2 but this night it came upon me that the shop felt like a chapel--had the very air of one somehow1 and so ,i fell a thinking1 and forgot to shut the door4 ,how it began ,i don't know1 but my past life came up to me1 and ,i remembered how1 when ,i was a young man1 ,i used to despise my father's business1 to which he was bringing me up1 and feed my fancy with things belonging to higher walks in life4 ,then ,i saw that must have been partly how ,i fell into the mistake of marrying ,mrs4 ,drew4 ,she was the daughter of a doctor in our town1 a widower4 ,he was in poor health1 and unable to make much of his practice1 so that when he died she was left destitute1 and for that reason alone1 ,i do believe1 accepted me4 ,what followed you know3 she went away with a man who used to travel for a large ,manchester house4 ,i have never heard of her since4 ,after she left me1 a sort of something which ,i think ,i may call the disease of self-preservation1 laid hold upon me4 ,i must acknowledge that the loss of my wife was not altogether a misery4 ,she despised my trade1 which drove me to defend it--and the more bitterly that ,i also despised it4 ,there was therefore a good deal of strife between us4 ,i did not make allowance enough for the descent she had made from a professional father to a trade-husband4 ,i forgot that1 if she was to blame for marrying me for bread1 ,i was to blame for marrying her to enlarge myself with her superiority4 ,after she was gone1 ,i was aware of a not unwelcome calm in the house1 and in the emptiness of that calm came the demon of selfishness sevenfold into my heart1 and took up his abode with me4 ,from that time ,i busied myself only about two things--the safety of my soul1 and a good provision for my body4 ,i joined the church ,i had occasion to mention to you before1 sir1 grew a little harder in my business dealings1 and began to lay by money4 ,and so1 ever since1 have ,i been going on till ,i heard your sermon the other day1 which ,i hope has waked me up to something better4--,all this long story is but to let you understand how ,i was feeling when that woman came into the shop4 ,i told you how1 in the dusk and the silence1 it was as if ,i were in the chapel4 ,i found myself half-listening for the organ4 ,then the verse of a hymn came into my mind--,i can't tell where or when ,i had met with it1 but it had stuck to me3 ,let me stand ever at the door1 ,and keep it from the entering sin1 ,that so thy temple1 walls and floor1 ,be pure for thee to enter in4 ,now that1 you see1 is said of the temple of the heart2 but somehow things went rather cross-cut that evening--they got muddled in my head4 ,it seemed as if ,i was the door-keeper of my shop1 and at the same time as if my shop1 spreading out and dimly vanishing in the sacred gloom1 was the temple of the ,holy ,ghost1 out of which ,i had to keep the sin4 ,and with the thought1 a great awe fell upon me3 could it be--might it not be that ,god was actually in the place8--that in the silence he was thinking--in the gloom he was knowing8 ,i laid myself over the counter1 with my face in my hands1 and went on half thinking1 half praying4 ,all at once the desire arose burning in my heart3 ,would to ,god my house were in truth a holy place1 haunted by his presence6 ',and wherefore not8' rejoined something within me--heart or brain or something deeper than either4 ',is thy work unholy8 ,are thy deeds base8 ,is thy buying or selling dishonest8 ,is it all for thyself and nothing for thy fellows8 ,is it not a lawful calling8 ,is it1 or is it not1 of ,god8 ,if it be of ,god1 and yet he be not present1 then surely thy lawful calling thou followest unlawfully4 ,so there ,i was--brought back to the old story4 ,and ,i said to myself1 ',god knows ,i want to follow it lawfully4 ,am ,i not even now seeking how to do so8 ,but this1 though true1 did not satisfy me4 ,to follow it lawfully--even in his sight--no longer seemed enough4--,was there then no possibility of raising it to dignity8 ,did the business of ,zacchaeus remain1 after the visit of ,jesus1 a contemptible one still8 ,could not mine be made ,christian8 ,was there no corner in the temple where a man might buy and sell and not be driven out by the whip of small cords8--,i heard a step in the shop1 and lifting my head1 saw a poor woman with a child in her arms4 ,annoyed at being found in that posture1 like one drunk or in despair2 annoyed also with myself for not having shut the door1 with my usual first tendency to injustice a harsh word was trembling on my very lips1 when suddenly something made me look round in a kind of maze on the dusky back shop4 ,a moment more and ,i understood3 ,god was waiting to see what truth was in my words4 ,that is just how ,i felt it1 and ,i hope ,i am not irreverent in saying so4 ,then ,i saw that the poor woman looked frightened--,i suppose at my looks and gestures--perhaps she thought me out of my mind4 ,i made haste and received her1 and listened to her errand as if she had been a duchess--say rather an angel of ,god1 for such ,i felt her in my heart to be4 ,she wanted a bit of dark print with a particular kind of spot in it1 which she had seen in the shop some months before1 but had not been able to buy4 ,i turned over everything we had1 and was nearly in despair4 ,at last1 however1 ,i found the very piece which had ever since haunted her fancy--just enough of it left for a dress6 ,but all the time ,i sought it1 ,i felt as if ,i were doing ,god service--or at least doing something he wanted me to do4 ,it sounds almost ludicrous now1 but-- ,god forbid6 said ,wingfold4 ,i'm glad you don't think so1 sir4 ,i was afraid you would4 ,had the thing been a trifle1 ,i should still have said the same1 returned the curate4 ,but who with any heart would call it--a trifle to please the fancy of a poor woman1 one who is probably far oftener vexed than pleased8 ,she had been brooding over this dress--you took trouble to content her with her desire4 ,who knows what it may do for the growth of the woman8 ,i know what you've done for me by the story of it4 ,she did walk out pleased-like1 said the draper1 --and left me more pleased than she1--and so grateful to her for coming--you can't think6 ,i begin to suspect1 said the curate1 after a pause1 that the common transactions of life are the most sacred channels for the spread of the heavenly leaven4 ,there was ten times more of the divine in selling her that gown as you did1 in the name of ,god1 than in taking her into your pew and singing out of the same hymn-book with her4 ,i should be glad to do that next though1 if ,i had the chance1 said ,mr4 ,drew4 ,you must not think1 because he has done me so little good1 that our minister is not a faithful preacher2 and1 owing you more than heart can tell1 sir1 ,i like chapel better than church1 and consider it nearer the right way4 ,i don't mean to be a turncoat1 and leave ,drake for you1 sir2 ,i must give up my deaconship1 but ,i won't my pew or my subscription4 ,quite right1 ,mr4 ,drew1 said ,wingfold2 that could do nothing but harm4 ,i have just been reading what our ,lord says about proselytizing4 ,good night4 ,,chapter ,x4 ,,home ,,again4 ,the curate had entered the draper's shop in the full blaze of sunset1 but the demon of unbelief sat on his shoulders2 he could get no nearer his heart1 but that was enough to make of the majestical roof fretted with golden fire 4444 a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours4 ,when he left the shop1 the sun was far below the horizon1 and the glory had faded out of the west2 but the demon had fled1 and the brown feathers of the twilight were beautiful as the wings of the silver dove1 sprung heavenwards from among the pots4 ,and as he went he reasoned with himself-- ,either there is a ,god1 and that ,god the perfect heart of truth and loveliness1 or all poetry and art is but an unsown1 unplanted1 rootless flower1 crowning a somewhat symmetrical heap of stones4 ,the man who sees no beauty in its petals1 finds no perfume in its breath1 may well accord it the parentage of the stones2 the man whose heart swells beholding it will be ready to think it has roots that reach below them4 ,the curate's search1 it will be remarked1 had already widened greatly the sphere of his doubts2 but1 the larger the field1 the greater the chance of finding a marl-pit2 and1 if there be such a thing as truth1 every fresh doubt is yet another finger-post pointing towards its dwelling4--,so talked the curate to himself1 and1 full in the face1 rounding the corner of a street1 met ,george ,bascombe4 ,the young barrister held out his large hospitable hand at the full length of his arm1 and spread abroad his wide chest to greet him1 and they went through the ceremony of shaking hands1--which1 even in their case1 ,i cannot judge so degrading and hypocritical as the ,latin nations seem to consider it4 ,then ,wingfold had the first word4 ,i have not yet had an opportunity of thanking you for the great service you have done me1 he said4 ,i am glad to know ,i have such an honour2 but-- ,i mean1 in opening my eyes to my true position4 ,ah1 my dear fellow6 ,i was sure you only required to have your attention turned in the right direction4 ,when--8--ah6--,i--,i was on the verge of committing the solecism of asking you when you thought of resigning4 ,ha6 ha6 ,not yet1 replied ,wingfold to the question thus at once withdrawn and put4 ,the more ,i look into the matter1 the more reason ,i find for hoping it may be possible for me to--to--keep the appointment4 ,oh6 ,the further ,i inquire1 the more am ,i convinced that1 if not in a certain portion of what the church teaches1 then nowhere else1 and assuredly not in what you teach1 shall ,i find anything by which life can either account for or justify itself4 ,but if what you find is not true6 cried ,george1 with a burst of semi-grand indignation4 ,but if what ,i find should be true1 even though you should never be able to see it6 returned the curate4 ,and as if disjected by an explosion between them1 the two men were ten paces asunder1 each hurrying his own way4 ,if ,i can't prove there is a ,god1 said ,wingfold to himself1 as little surely can he prove there is none4 ,but then came the thought--,the fellow will say that1 there being no sign of a ,god1 the burden of proof lies with me4 ,and therewith he saw how useless it would be to discuss the question with any one who1 not seeing him1 had no desire to see him4 ,no1 he said1 my business is not to prove to any other man that there is a ,god1 but to find him for myself4 ,if ,i should find him1 then will be time enough to think of showing him4 ,and with that his thoughts turned from ,bascombe1 and went back to the draper4 ,when he reached home1 he took out his sonnet1 but1 after working at it for a little while1 he found that he must ease his heart by writing another4 ,here it is3 ,methought that in a solemn church ,i stood4 ,its marble acres1 worn with knees and feet1 ,lay spread from1 door to door1 from street to street4 ,midway the form hung high upon the rood ,of him who gave his life to be our good2 ,beyond1 priests flitted1 bowed1 and murmured meet ,among the candles shining still and sweet4 ,men came and went1 and worshipped as they could1 ,and still their dust a woman with her broom1 ,bowed to her work1 kept sweeping to the door4 ,then saw ,i1 slow through all the pillared gloom1 ,across the church a silent figure come2 ,daughter1 it said1 thou sweepest well my floor6 ,it is the ,lord6 ,i cried2 and saw no more4 ,i suppose1 if one could so stop the throat of the blossom-buried nightingale1 that1 though he might breathe at will1 he could no longer sing1 he would drop from his bough1 and die of suppressed song4 ,perhaps some men so die--,i do not know2 it were better than to live1 and to bore their friends with the insuppressible4 ,but1 however this may be1 the man who can utter himself to his own joy in any of the forms of human expression--let him give thanks to ,god2 and1 if he give not his verses to the printer1 he will probably have cause to give thanks again4 ,to the man's self1 the utterance is not the less invaluable4 ,and so ,wingfold found it4 ,he went out again1 and into the churchyard1 where he sat down on a stone4 ,how strange1 he said to himself1 that out of faith should have sprung that stone church6 ,a poor little poem now and then is all that stands for mine--all that shows1 that is6 ,but my heart does sometimes burn1 within me4 ,if only ,i could be sure they were ,,his words that set it burning6 ,,chapter ,,xi4 ,,the ,,sheath4 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 said ,polwarth one evening1 the usual salutations over1 taking what he commonly left to his friend--the initiative1--,i want to tell you something ,i don't wish even ,rachel to hear4 ,he led the way to his room1 and the curate followed4 ,seated there1 in the shadowy old attic1 through the very walls of which the ivy grew1 and into which1 by the open window in the gable1 from the infinite west1 blew the evening air1 carrying with it the precious scent of honeysuckle1 to mingle with that of old books1 ,polwarth recounted and ,wingfold listened to a strange adventure4 ,the trees hid the sky1 and the little human nest was dark around them4 ,i am going to make a confidant of you1 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 said the dwarf1 with troubled face1 and almost whispered word4 ,you will know how much ,i have already learned to trust you when ,i say that what ,i am about to confide to you plainly involves the secret of another4 ,his large face grew paler as he spoke1 and something almost like fear grew in his eyes1 but they looked straight into those of the curate1 and his voice did not tremble4 ,one night1 some weeks ago--,i can1 if necessary1 make myself certain of the date1--,i was--no uncommon thing with me--unable to sleep4 ,sometimes1 when such is my case1 ,i lie as still and happy as any bird under the wing of its mother2 at other times ,i must get up and go out1 for ,i take longings for air almost as a drunkard for wine1 and that night nothing would serve my poor prisoned soul but more air through the bars of its lungs4 ,i rose1 dressed1 and went out4 ,it was a still1 warm night1 no moon1 but plenty of star-light1 the wind blowing as now1 gentle and sweet and cool--just the wind my lungs sighed for4 ,i got into the open park1 avoiding the trees1 and wandered on and on1 without thinking where ,i was going4 ,the turf was soft under my feet1 the dusk soft to my eyes1 and the wind to my soul2 ,i had breath and room and leisure and silence and loneliness1 and everything to make me more than usually happy2 and so ,i wandered on and on1 neither caring nor looking whither ,i went3 so long as the stars remained unclouded1 ,i could find my way back when ,i pleased4 ,i had been out perhaps an hour1 when through the soft air came a cry1 apparently from far off4 ,there was something in the tone that seemed to me unusually frightful4 ,the bare sound made me shudder before ,i had time to say to myself it was a cry4 ,i turned my face in the direction of it1 so far as ,i could judge1 and went on4 ,i cannot run1 for1 if ,i attempt it1 ,i am in a moment unable even to walk--from palpitation and choking4 ,i had not gone very far before ,i found myself approaching the hollow where stands the old house of ,glaston1 uninhabited for twenty years4 ,was it possible1 ,i thought1 that the cry came from the house1 and had therefore sounded farther off than it was8 ,i stood and listened for a moment1 but all seemed still as the grave4 ,i must go in1 and see whether anyone was there in want of help4 ,you may well smile at the idea of my helping anyone1 for what could ,i do if it came to a struggle8 ,on the contrary1 interrupted ,wingfold1 ,i was smiling with admiration of your pluck4 ,at least1 resumed ,polwarth1 ,i have this advantage over some1 that ,i cannot be fooled with the fancy that this poor miserable body of mine is worth thinking of beside the smallest suspicion of duty4 ,what is it but a cracked jug8 ,so down the slope ,i went1 got into the garden1 and made my way through the tangled bushes to the house4 ,i knew the place perfectly1 for ,i had often wandered all over it1 sometimes spending hours there4 ,before ,i reached the door1 however1 ,i heard some one behind me in the garden1 and instantly stepped into a thicket of gooseberry and currant bushes4 ,it is sometimes an advantage to be little--the moment ,i stepped aside ,i was hidden4 ,that same moment the night seemed rent in twain by a most hideous cry from the house4 ,ere ,i could breathe again after it1 the tall figure of a woman rushed past me1 tearing its way through the bushes towards the door4 ,i followed instantly1 saw her run up the steps1 and heard her open and shut the door4 ,i opened it as quietly as ,i could1 but just as ,i stepped into the dark hall1 came a third fearful cry1 through the echoes of which in the empty house ,i heard the rush of hurried feet and trailing garments on the stair4 ,as ,i say ,i knew the house quite well1 but my perturbation had so muddled the idea of it in my brain1 that for a few seconds ,i had to consider how it lay4 ,the moment ,i recalled its plan1 ,i made what haste ,i could1 reached the top of the stair1 and was hesitating which way to turn1 when once more came the fearful cry1 and set me trembling from head to foot4 ,i cannot describe the horror of it4 ,it was as the cry of a soul in torture--unlike any sound of the human voice ,i had ever before heard4 ,i shudder now at the recollection of it as it echoed through the house1 clinging to the walls and driven along4 ,i was hurrying ,i knew not whither1 for ,i had again lost all notion of the house1 when ,i caught a glimpse of a light shining from under a door4 ,i approached it softly1 and finding that door inside a small closet1 knew at once where ,i was4 ,as ,i was in office on the ground1 and it could hardly be any thing righteous that led to such an outcry in the house1 which1 although deserted1 was still my master's1 ,i felt justified in searching further into the matter4 ,laying my ear therefore against the door1 ,i heard what was plainly a lady's voice4 ,right sweet and womanly it was1 though full of pain--even agony1 ,i thought1 but heroically suppressed4 ,she soothed1 she expostulated1 she condoled1 she coaxed4 ,mingled with hers was the voice of a youth1 as it seemed4 ,it was wild1 yet so low as sometimes to be all but inaudible1 and not a word from either could ,i distinguish4 ,hardly the less plain was it1 however1 that the youth spoke either in delirium or with something terrible on his mind1 for his tones were those of one in despair4 ,i stood for a time bewildered1 fascinated1 terrified4 ,at length ,i grew convinced somehow that ,i had no right to be there4 ,doubtless the man was in hiding1 and where a man hides there must he reason1 but was it any business of mine8 ,i crept out of the house1 and up to the higher ground4 ,there ,i drew deep breaths of the sweet night air--so pure that it seemed to be washing the world clean for another day's uses4 ,but ,i had no longer any pleasure in the world4 ,i went straight home1 and to bed again--but had brought little repose with me3 ,i must do something--but what8 ,the only result certain to follow1 was more trouble to the troubled already4 ,might there not be innocent reasons for the questionable situation8--,might not the man have been taken ill1 and so suddenly that he could reach no other shelter8 ,and the lady might be his wife1 who had gone as soon as she could leave him to find help1 but had failed4 ,there ,,must be some simple explanation of the matter1 however strange it showed6 ,i might1 in the morning1 be of service to them4 ,and partly comforted by the temporary conclusion1 ,i got a little troubled sleep4 ,as soon as ,i had had a cup of tea1 ,i set out for the old house4 ,i heard the sounds of the workmen's hammers on the new one as ,i went4 ,all else was silence4 ,the day looked so honest and so clear of conscience that it was difficult to believe the night had shrouded such an awful meeting4 ,yet1 in the broad light of the forenoon1 a cold shudder seized me when first ,i looked down on the slack ridges and broken roofs of the old house4 ,when ,i got into the garden ,i began to sing and knock the bushes about1 then opened the door noisily1 and clattered about in the hall and the lower rooms before going up the stair4 ,along every passage and into every room ,i went1 to give good warning ere ,i approached that in which ,i had heard the voices4 ,at length ,i stood at the door of it and knocked4 ,there was no answer4 ,i knocked again4 ,still no answer4 ,i opened it and peeped in4 ,there was no one there6 ,an old bedstead was all ,i saw4 ,i searched every corner1 but not one trace could ,i discover of human being having been there1 except this behind the bed--and it may have lain there as long as the mattress1 which ,i remember since the first time ,i ever went into the house4 ,as he spoke ,polwarth handed to the curate a small leather sheath1 which1 from its shape1 could not have belonged to a pair of scissors1 although neither of the men knew any sort of knife it would have fitted4 ,would you mind taking care of it1 ,mr4 ,wingfold8 the gate-keeper continued as the curate examined it2 ,i don't like having it4 ,i can't even bear to think of it even in the house1 and yet ,i don't quite care to destroy it4 ,i don't in the least mind taking charge of it1 answered ,wingfold4 ,why was it that1 as he said so1 the face of ,helen ,lingard rose before his mind's eye as he had now seen it twice in the congregation at the ,abbey--pale with an inward trouble as it seemed1 large-eyed and worn--so changed1 yet so ennobled8 ,even then he had felt the deadening effect of its listlessness1 and had had to turn away lest it should compel him to feel that he was but talking to the winds1 or into a desert where dwelt no voice of human response4 ,why should he think of her now8 ,was it that her troubled pallid face had touched him--had set something near his heart a trembling1 whether with merely human sympathy or with the tenderness of man for suffering woman8 ,certainly he had never till then thought of her with the slightest interest1 and why should she come up to him now8 ,could it be that--8 ,good heavens6 ,there was her brother ill6 ,and had not ,faber said there seemed something unusual about the character of his illness8--,what could it mean8--,it was impossible of course--but yet--and yet-- ,do you think1 he said1 we are in any way bound to inquire further into the affair8 ,if ,i had thought so1 ,i should not have left it unmentioned till now1 answered ,polwarth4 ,but without being busybodies1 we might be prepared in case the thing should unfold itself1 and put it in our power to be useful4 ,meantime ,i have the relief of the confessional4 ,,chapter ,,xii4 ,,invitation4 ,as ,wingfold walked back to his lodgings1 he found a new element mingling with the varied matter of his previous inquiry4 ,human suffering laid hold upon him--neither as his own nor as that of humanity1 but as that of men and women--known or unknown1 it mattered nothing3 there were hearts in the world from whose agony broke terrible cries1 hearts of which sad faces like that of ,miss ,lingard were the exponents4 ,such hearts might be groaning and writhing in any of the houses he passed1 and1 even if he knew the hearts1 and what the vampire that sucked their blood1 he could do nothing for their relief4 ,little indeed could he have imagined the life of such a comfort-guarded lady as ,miss ,lingard1 exposed to the intrusion of any terror-waking monster1 from the old ocean of chaos1 into the quiet flow of its meadow-banked river6 ,and what multitudes must there not be in the world--what multitudes in our island--how many even in ,glaston1 whose hearts1 lacerated by no remorse1 overwhelmed by no crushing sense of guilt1 yet knew their own bitterness1 and had no friend radiant enough to make a sunshine in their shady places6 ,he fell into mournful mood over the troubles of his race4 ,always a kind-hearted fellow1 he had not been used to think about such things2 he had had troubles of his own1 and had got through at least some of them2 people must have troubles1 else would they grow unendurable for pride and insolence4 ,but now that he had begun to hope he saw a glimmer somewhere afar at the end of the darksome cave in which he had all at once discovered that he was buried alive1 he began also to feel how wretched those must be who were groping on without even a hope in their dark eyes4 ,if he had never committed any crime1 he had yet done wrong enough to understand the misery of shame and dishonour1 and should he not find a loving human heart the heart of the world1 would rejoice--with what rejoicing might then be possible--to accept ,george ,bascombe's theory1 and drop into the jaws of darkness and cease4 ,how much more miserable then must those be who had committed some terrible crime1 or dearly loved one who had6 ,what relief1 what hope1 what lightening for them6 ,what a breeding nest of vermiculate cares and pains was this human heart of ours6 ,oh1 surely it needed some refuge6 ,if no saviour had yet come1 the tortured world of human hearts cried aloud for one with unutterable groaning6 ,what would ,bascombe do if he had committed a murder8 ,or what could he do for one who had8 ,if fable it were1 it was at least a need--invented one--that of a ,saviour to whom anyone might go1 at any moment1 without a journey1 without letters or commendations or credentials6 ,and yet no3 if it had been invented1 it could hardly be by any one in the need1 for such even now could hardly be brought to believe it4 ,ill bested were the world indeed if there were no one beyond whose pardon crime could not go6 ,ah6 but where was the good of pardon if still the conscious crime kept stinging8 and who would wish one he loved to grow callous to the crime he had committed8 ,could one rejoice that his guilty friend had learned to laugh again1 able at length to banish the memory of the foul thing8 ,would reviving self-content render him pleasant to the eyes1 and his company precious in the wisdom that springs from the knowledge of evil8 ,would not that be the moment when he who had most assiduously sought to comfort him in his remorse1 would first be tempted to withdraw his foot from his threshold8 ,but if there was a ,god--such a ,god as1 according to the ,christian story1 had sent his own son into the world--had given him to appear among us1 clothed in the garb of humanity1 the armour that can be pierced1 to take all the consequences of being the god of obedience amongst the children of disobedience1 engulfing their wrongs in his infinite forbearance1 and winning them back1 by slow and unpromising and tedious renewal1 to the heart of his father1 surely such a ,god would not have created them1 knowing that some of them would sin sins from the horror of which in themselves all his devotion could not redeem them6--,and as he thought thus1 the words arose in his mind--,,come ,,unto ,,me ,,all ,,ye ,,that ,,labour ,,and ,,are ,,heavy ,,laden1 ,,and ,i ,,will ,,give ,,you ,,rest4 ,his heart filled4 ,he pondered over them4 ,when he got home he sought and found them in the book4--,did a man ever really utter them8 ,if a man did1 either he was the most presumptuous of mortals1 or ,,he ,,could ,,do ,,what ,,he ,,said4 ,if he could1 then to have seen and distrusted that man1 ,wingfold felt1 would have been to destroy in himself the believing faculty and become incapable of trusting for ever after4 ,and such a man must1 in virtue of his very innocence1 know that the worst weariness and the worst load is evil and crime1 and must know himself able1 in full righteousness1 with no jugglery of oblivion or self-esteem1 to take off the heavy load and give rest4 ,and yet1 thought the curate1 not without self-reproach1 for one who will go to him to get the rest1 a thousand will ask--,,how ,,can ,,he ,,then ,,do ,,it8--,as if they should be fit to know6 ,,chapter ,,xiii4 ,a ,,sermon ,,to ,,helen4 ,all the rest of the week his mind was full of thoughts like these1 amid which ever arose the suffering face of ,helen ,lingard1 bringing with it the still strengthening suspicion that behind it must lie some oppressive1 perhaps terrible secret4 ,but he made no slightest movement towards the discovery of it1 put not a single question in any direction for its confirmation or dissolution4 ,he would not look in at her windows1 but what seeds of comfort he could find1 he would scatter wide1 and hope that some of them might fall into her garden4 ,when he raised his head on the ,sunday from kneeling1 with heart honest1 devout1 and neighbourly1 in the pulpit before the sermon1 and cast his eyes round his congregation1 they rested first1 for one moment and no more1 upon the same pallid and troubled countenance whose reflection had so often of late looked out from the magic mirror of his memory2 the next1 they flitted across the satisfied1 healthy1 handsome1 clever face of her cousin1 behind which plainly sat a conscience well-to-do1 in an easy chair2 the third1 they saw and fled the peevish autumnal visage of ,mrs4 ,ramshorn2 the next1 they roved a little1 then rested on the draper's good-humoured disc1 on the white forehead of which brooded a cloud of thoughtfulness4 ,last of all they sought the free seats1 and found the faces of both the dwarfs4 ,it was the first time he had seen ,rachel's there1 and it struck him that it expressed greater suffering than he had read in it before4 ,she ought rather to be in bed than in church1 he thought4 ,but the same seemed the case with her uncle's countenance also2 and with that came the conclusion that the pulpit was a wonderful watch-tower whence to study human nature2 that people lay bare more of their real nature and condition to the man in the pulpit than they know--even before the sermon4 ,their faces have fallen into the shape of their minds1 for the church has an isolating as well as congregating power1 and no passing emotion moulds them to an evanescent show4 ,when ,polwarth spoke to a friend1 the suffering melted in issuing radiance2 when he sat thus quiescent1 patient endurance was the first thing to be read on his countenance4 ,this flashed through the curate's mind in the moments ere he began to speak1 and with it came afresh the feeling--one that is1 yet ought not to be sad--that no one of all these hearts could give summer-weather to another4 ,the tears rose in his eyes as he gazed1 and his heart swelled towards his own flesh and blood1 as if his spirit would break forth in a torrent of ministering tenderness and comfort4 ,then he made haste to speak lest he should become unable4 ,as usual his voice trembled at first1 but rose into strength as his earnestness found way4 ,this is a good deal like what he said3 ,the marvellous man who is reported to have appeared in ,palestine1 teaching and preaching1 seems to have suffered far more from sympathy with the inward sorrows of his race than from pity for their bodily pains4 ,these last1 could he not have swept from the earth with a word8 and yet it seems to have been mostly1 if not indeed always1 only in answer to prayer that he healed them1 and that for the sake of some deeper1 some spiritual healing that should go with the bodily cure4 ,it could not be for the dead man whom he was about to call from the tomb1 that his tears flowed4 ,what source could they have but compassion and pitiful sympathy for the sorrows of the dead man's sisters and friends who had not the inward joy that sustained himself1 and the thought of all the pains and heartaches of those that looked in the face of death--the meanings of love--torn generations1 the blackness of bereavement that had stormed through the ever changing world of human hearts since first man had been made in the image of his ,father8 ,yet are there far more terrible troubles than this death--which ,i trust can only part1 not keep apart4 ,there is the weight of conscious wrong being and wrong doing--that is the gravestone that needs to be rolled away ere a man can rise to life4 ,call to mind how ,jesus used to forgive men's sins1 thus lifting from their hearts the crushing load that paralyzed all their efforts4 ,recall the tenderness with which he received those from whom the religious of his day turned aside--the repentant women who wept sore-hearted from very love1 the publicans who knew they were despised because they were despicable4 ,with him they sought and found shelter4 ,he was their saviour from the storm of human judgment and the biting frost of public opinion1 even when that opinion and that judgment were re-echoed by the justice of their own hearts4 ,he received them1 and the life within them rose up1 and the light shone--the conscious light of light1 despite even of shame and self-reproach4 ,if ,god be for us who can be against us8 ,in his name they rose from the hell of their own hearts' condemnation1 and went forth to do the truth in strength and hope4 ,they heard and believed and obeyed his words4 ,and of all words that ever were spoken1 were ever words gentler1 tenderer1 humbler1 lovelier--if true1 or more arrogant1 man-degrading1 ,god-defying--if false1 than these1 concerning which1 as his1 ,i now desire to speak to you3 ',come unto me1 all ye that labour and are heavy-laden1 and ,i will give you rest4 ,take my yoke upon you1 and learn of me2 for ,i am meek and lowly in heart3 and ye shall find rest unto your souls4 ,for my yoke is easy1 and my burden is light'8 ,surely these words1 could they but be heartily believed1 are such as every human heart might gladly hear6 ,what man is there who has not had1 has not now1 or will not have to class himself amongst the weary and heavy-laden8 ,ye who call yourselves ,christians profess to believe such rest is to be had1 yet how many of you go bowed to the very earth1 and take no single step towards him who says ,come1 lift not an eye to see whether a face of mercy may not be looking down upon you6 ,is it that1 after all1 you do not believe there ever was such a man as they call ,jesus8 ,that can hardly be4 ,there are few so ignorant1 or so wilfully illogical as to be able to disbelieve in the existence of the man1 or that he spoke words to this effect4 ,is it then that you are doubtful concerning the whole import of his appearance8 ,in that case1 were it but as a doubtful medicine1 would it not be well to make some trial of the offer made8 ,if the man said the words1 he must have at least believed that he could fulfil them4 ,who that knows anything of him at all can for a moment hold that this man spoke what he did not believe8 ,the best of the ,jews who yet do not believe in him1 say of him that he was a good though mistaken man4 ,will a man lie for the privilege of being despised and rejected of men1 a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief8 ,what but the confidence of truth could have sustained him when he knew that even those who loved him would have left him had they believed what he told them of his coming fate8--,but then3 believing what he said1 might he not have been mistaken8--,a man can hardly be mistaken as to whether he is at peace or not--whether he has rest in his soul or not4 ,neither ,i think can a man well be mistaken as to whence comes the peace he possesses1--as to the well whence he draws his comfort4 ,the miser knows his comfort is his gold4 ,was ,jesus likely to be mistaken when he supposed himself to know that his comfort came from his ,god8 ,anyhow he believed that his peace came from his obedience--from his oneness with the will of his ,father4 ,friends1 if ,i had such peace as was plainly his1 should ,i not know well whence it came8--,but ,i think ,i hear some one say3 ',doubtless the good man derived comfort from the thought of his ,father1 but might he not be mistaken in supposing there was any ,father8' ,hear me1 my friends3 ,i dare not say ,i know there is a ,father4 ,i dare not even say ,i think1 ,i can only say with my whole heart ,i hope we have indeed a ,father in heaven2 but this man says ,,he ,,knows4 ,am ,i to say he does not know8 ,can ,i1 who know so much ,i would gladly have otherwise in myself1 imagine him less honest than ,i am8 ,if he tells me he knows1 ,i am dumb and listen4 ,one ,i ,,know3 ,,there ,,is--outweighs a whole creation of voices crying each ,i ,,know ,,not1 ,,therefore ,,there ,,is ,,not4 ,and observe it is his own1 his own best he wants to give them--no bribe to obedience to his will1 but the assurance of bliss if they will do as he does4 ,he wants them to have peace--,,his peace--peace from the same source whence he has it4 ,for what does he mean by ,,take ,,my ,,yoke ,,upon ,,you1 ,,and ,,learn ,,of ,,me8 ,he does not mean ,,wear ,,the ,,yoke ,i ,,lay ,,upon ,,you1 ,,and ,,obey ,,my ,,words4 ,i do not say he might not have said so1 or that he does not say what comes to the same thing at other times1 but that is not what he says here--that is not the truth he would convey in these words4 ,he means ,,take ,,upon ,,you ,,the ,,yoke ,i ,,wear2 ,,learn ,,to ,,do ,,as ,i ,,do1 ,,who ,,submit ,,everything ,,and ,,refer ,,everything ,,to ,,the ,,will ,,of ,,my ,,father1 ,,yea ,,have ,,my ,,will ,,only ,,in ,,the ,,carrying ,,out ,,of ,,his3 ,,be ,,meek ,,and ,,lowly ,,in ,,heart1 ,,and ,,ye ,,shall ,,find ,,rest ,,unto ,,your ,,souls4 ,with all the grief of humanity in his heart1 in the face of the death that awaited him1 he yet says1 ,,for ,,my ,,yoke1 ,,the ,,yoke ,i ,,wear1 ,,is ,,easy1 ,,the ,,burden ,i ,,bear ,,is ,,light4 ,what made that yoke easy1--that burden light8 ,that it was the will of the ,father4 ,if a man answer3 ',any good man who believed in a ,god1 might say as much1 and ,i do not see how it can help me2' my reply is1 that this man says1 ,,come ,,unto ,,me1 ,,and ,i ,,will ,,give ,,you ,,rest--asserting the power to give perfect help to him that comes4--,does all this look far away1 my friends1 and very unlike the things about us8 ,the things about you do not give you peace2 from something different you may hope to gain it4 ,and do not our souls themselves fall out with their surroundings1 and cry for a nobler1 better1 more beautiful life8 ,but some one will perhaps say3 ',it is well2 but were ,i meek and lowly in heart as he of whom you speak1 it could not touch ,,my trouble3 that springs not from myself1 but from one ,i love4' ,i answer1 if the peace be the peace of the ,son of man1 it must reach to every cause of unrest4 ,and if thou hadst it1 would it not then be next door to thy friend8 ,how shall he whom thou lovest receive it the most readily--but through thee who lovest him8 ,what if thy faith should be the next step to his8 ,anyhow1 if this peace be not an all-reaching as well as a heart-filling peace2 if it be not a righteous and a lovely peace1 and that in despite of all surrounding and opposing troubles1 then it is not the peace of ,god1 for that passeth all understanding3--so at least say they who profess to know1 and ,i desire to take them at their word4 ,if thy trouble be a trouble thy ,god cannot set right1 then either thy ,god is not the true ,god1 or there is no true ,god1 and the man who professed to reveal him led the one perfect life in virtue of his faith in a falsehood4 ,alas for poor men and women and their aching hearts6--,if it offend any of you that ,i speak of ,jesus as ,,the ,,man who professed to reveal ,god1 ,i answer1 that the man ,i see1 and he draws me as with the strength of the adorable ,truth2 but if in him ,i should certainly find the ,god for the lack of whose peace ,i and my brethren and sisters pine1 then were heaven itself too narrow to hold my exultation1 for in ,god himself alone could my joy find room4 ,come then1 sore heart1 and see whether his heart cannot heal thine4 ,he knows what sighs and tears are1 and if he knew no sin in himself1 the more pitiful must it have been to him to behold the sighs and tears that guilt wrung from the tortured hearts of his brethren and sisters4 ,brothers1 sisters1 we ,,must get rid of this misery of ours4 ,it is slaying us4 ,it is turning the fair earth into a hell1 and our hearts into its fuel4 ,there stands the man1 who says he knows3 take him at his word4 ,go to him who says in the might of his eternal tenderness and his human pity--,,come ,,unto ,,me1 ,,all ,,ye ,,that ,,labour ,,and ,,are ,,heavy-,,laden1 ,,and ,i ,,will ,,give ,,you ,,rest4 ,,take ,,my ,,yoke ,,upon ,,you1 ,,and ,,learn ,,of ,,me2 ,,for ,i ,,am ,,meek ,,and ,,lowly ,,in ,,heart3 ,,and ,,ye ,,shall ,,find ,,rest ,,unto ,,your ,,souls4 ,,for ,,my ,,yoke ,,is ,,easy ,,and ,,my ,,burden ,,is ,,light4 ,,chapter ,,xiv4 ,a ,,sermon ,,to ,,himself4 ,long ere he thus came to a close1 ,wingfold was blind to all and every individuality before him--felt only the general suffering of the human soul1 and the new-born hope for it that lay in the story of the ideal man1 the human ,god4 ,he did not see that ,helen's head was down on the book-board4 ,she was sobbing convulsively4 ,in some way the word had touched her1 and had unsealed the fountain of tears1 if not of faith4 ,neither did he see the curl on the lip of ,bascombe1 or the glance of annoyance which1 every now and then1 he cast upon the bent head beside him4 ,what on earth are you crying about8 ,it is all in the way of his business1 you know1 said ,bascombe's eyes1 but ,helen did not hear them4 ,one or two more in the congregation were weeping1 and here and there shone a face in which the light seemed to prevent the tears4 ,polwarth shone and ,rachel wept4 ,for the rest1 the congregation listened only with varying degrees of attention and indifference4 ,the larger portion looked as if neither ,wingfold nor any other body ever meant anything--at least in the pulpit4 ,the moment ,wingfold reached the vestry1 he hurried off the garments of his profession1 sped from the ,abbey1 and all but ran across the church-yard to his lodging4 ,there he shut himself up in his chamber1 fearful lest he should have said more than he had yet a right to say1 and lest ebbing emotion should uncover the fact that he had been but fired by the running of his own wheels1 and not inspired by the guide of the fiery-wheeled throne1 the cherub ,contemplation4 ,there1 from the congregation1 from the church1 from the sermon1 from the past altogether1 he turned aside his face and would forget them quite4 ,what had he to do with the thing that was done1--done with1 and gone1 either into the treasury or the lumber-room1 of creation8 ,towards the hills of help he turned his face--to the summits over whose tops he looked for the dayspring from on high to break forth4 ,if only ,christ would come to him6--,do what he might1 however1 his thoughts ,,would wander back to the great gothic gulf into which he had been pouring out his soul1 and the greater human gulfs that opened into the ancient pile1 whose mouths were the faces that hid the floor beneath them--until at length he was altogether vexed with himself for being interested in what he had done1 instead of absorbed in what he had yet to do4 ,he left therefore his chamber1 and placed himself at a side-table in his sitting-room1 while his landlady prepared the other for his dinner4 ,she too had been at church that morning1 whence it came that she moved about and set the things on the table with unusual softness1 causing him no interruption while he wrote down a line here and there of what afterwards grew into the following verses--born in the effort to forget the things that were behind1 and reach forth after the things that lay before him4 ,yes1 ,master1 when thou comest thou shalt find ,a little faith on earth1 if ,i am here6 ,thou know'st how oft ,i turn to thee my mind1 ,how sad ,i wait until thy face appear6 ,hast thou not ploughed my thorny ground full sore1 ,and from it gathered many stones and sherds8 ,plough1 plough and harrow till it needs no more-- ,then sow thy mustard-seed1 and send thy birds4 ,i love thee1 ,lord2 and if ,i yield to fears1 ,nor trust with triumph that pale doubt defies1 ,remember1 ,lord1 'tis nigh two thousand years1 ,and ,i have never seen thee with mine eyes4 ,and when ,i lift them from the wondrous tale1 ,see1 all about me has so strange a show6 ,is that thy river running down the vale8 ,is that thy wind that through the pines doth blow8 ,couldst thou right verily appear again1 ,the same who walked the paths of ,palestine1 ,and here in ,england teach thy trusting men1 ,in church and field and house1 with word and sign8 ,here are but lilies1 sparrows1 and the rest6-- ,my hands on some dear proof would light and stay6 ,but my heart sees ,john leaning on thy breast1 ,and sends them forth to do what thou dost say4 ,,chapter ,,xv4 ,,criticism4 ,extraordinary young man6 exclaimed ,mrs4 ,ramshorn as they left the church1 with a sigh that expressed despair4 ,is he an infidel or a fanatic8 a ,jesuit or a ,socinian8 ,if he would pay a little more attention to his composition1 said ,bascombe indifferently1 he might in time make of himself a good speaker4 ,i am not at all sure there are not the elements of an orator in him1 if he would only reflect a little on the fine relations between speech and passion1 and learn of the best models how to play upon the feelings of a congregation4 ,i declare ,i don't know1 but he might make a great man of himself4 ,as long as he don't finish his sentences however1 jumbles his figures1 and begins and ends abruptly without either exordium or peroration1 he needn't look to make anything of a preacher--and that seems his object4 ,if that be his object1 he had better join the ,methodists at once4 ,he would be a treasure to them1 said ,mrs4 ,ramshorn4 ,that is not his object1 ,george4 ,how can you say so8 remarked ,helen quietly1 but with some latent indignation4 ,george smiled a rather unpleasant smile and held his peace4 ,little more was said on the way home4 ,helen went to take off her bonnet1 but did not re-appear until she was called to their early ,sunday dinner4 ,now ,george had counted upon a turn in the garden with her before dinner1 and was annoyed--more1 it is true1 because of the emotion which he rightly judged the cause of her not joining him1 than the necessity laid on him of eating his dinner without having first unburdened his mind2 but the latter fact also had its share in vexing him4 ,when she came into the drawing-room it was plain she had been weeping2 but1 although they were alone1 and would probably have to wait yet a few minutes before their aunt joined them1 he resolved in his good nature to be considerate1 and say nothing till after dinner1 lest he should spoil her appetite4 ,when they rose from the table1 she would have again escaped1 but when ,george left his wine and followed her1 she consented1 at his urgent1 almost expostulatory request1 to walk once round the garden with him4 ,as soon as they were out of sight of the windows1 he began--in the tone of one whose love it is that prompts rebuke4 ,how ,,could you1 my dear ,helen1 have so little care of your health1 already so much shaken with nursing your brother1 as to yield your mind to the maundering of that silly ecclesiastic1 and allow his false eloquence to untune your nerves6 ,remember your health is the first thing--positively the ,,first and foremost thing to be considered1 both for your own sake and that of your friends4 ,without health1 what is anything worth8 ,helen made no answer1 but she thought with herself there were two or three things for the sake of which she would willingly part with a considerable portion of her health4 ,her cousin imagined her conscience-stricken1 and resumed with yet greater confidence4 ,if you ,,must go to church1 you ought to prepare yourself beforehand by firmly impressing on your mind the fact that the whole thing is but part of a system--part of a false system2 that the preacher has been brought up to the trade of religion1 that it is his business1 and that he must lay himself out to persuade people--himself first of all if he can1 but anyhow his congregation1 of the truth of everything contained in that farrago of priestly absurdities-- called the ,bible1 forsooth6 as if there were no other book worthy to be mentioned beside it4 ,think for a moment how soon1 were it not for their churches and prayers and music and their tomfoolery of preaching1 the whole precious edifice would topple about their ears1 and the livelihood1 the means of contentment and influence1 would be gone from so many restless paltering spirits6 ,so what is left them but to play upon the hopes and fears and diseased consciences of men as they best can6 ,the idiot6 ,to tell a man when he is hipped to ,,come ,,unto ,,me6 ,bah6 ,does the fool really expect any grown man or woman to believe in his or her brain that the man who spoke those words1 if ever there was a man who spoke them1 can at this moment anni domini--,george liked to be correct--#ahgj1 hear whatever silly words the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 or any other human biped1 may think proper to address to him with his face buried in his blankets by his bedside or in his surplice over the pulpit-bible8--not to mention that they would have you believe1 or be damned to all eternity1 that every thought vibrated in the convolutions of your brain is known to him as well as to yourself6 ,the thing is really too absurd6 ,ha6 ha6 ha6 ,the man died--the death of a malefactor1 they say2 and his body was stolen from his grave by his followers1 that they might impose thousands of years of absurdity upon generations to come after them4 ,and now1 when a fellow feels miserable1 he is to cry to that dead man1 who said of himself that he was meek and lowly in heart1 and straightway the poor beggar shall find rest to his soul6 ,all ,i can say is that1 if he find rest so1 it will be the rest of an idiot6 ,believe me1 ,helen1 a good ,havannah and a bottle of claret would be considerably more to the purpose2--for ladies1 perhaps rather a cup of tea and a little ,beethoven6 ,here he laughed1 for the rush of his eloquence had swept away his bad humour4 ,but really1 he went on1 the whole is ,,too absurd to talk about4 ,to go whining after an old ,jew fable in these days of progress6 ,why1 what do you think is the last discovery about light8 ,you will allow this much in excuse for their being so misled1 returned ,helen1 with some bitterness1 that the old fable pretends at least to provide help for sore hearts2 and except it be vivisection1 ,i---- ,do be serious1 ,helen1 interrupted ,george4 ,i don't object to joking1 you know1 but you are not joking in a right spirit4 ,this matter has to do with the well-being of the race2 and we ,,must think of others1 however your ,jew-gospel1 in the genuine spirit of the ,hebrew of all time1 would set everybody to the saving of his own wind-bubble of a soul4 ,believe me1 to live for others is the true way to lose sight of our own fancied sorrows4 ,helen gave a deep sigh4 ,fancied sorrows6--,yes1 gladly indeed would she live for ,,one other at least6 ,nay more--she would die for him4 ,but alas6 what would that do for one whose very being was consumed with grief ineffable6--,she must speak1 else he would read her heart4 ,there are real sorrows1 she said4 ,they are not all fancied4 ,there are very few sorrows1 returned ,george1 in which fancy does not bear a stronger proportion than even a woman of sense1 while the fancy is upon her1 will be prepared to admit4 ,i can remember bursts of grief when ,i was a boy1 in which it seemed impossible anything should ever console me2 but in one minute all would be gone1 and my heart1 or my spleen1 or my diaphragm1 as merry as ever4 ,believe that all is well1 and you will find all will be well--very tolerably well1 that is1 considering4 ,considering that the well-being has to be divided and apportioned and accommodated to the various parts of such a huge whole1 and that there is no ,god to look after the business6 said ,helen1 who1 according to the state of the tide in the sea of her trouble1 resented or accepted her cousin's teaching4 ,few women are willing to believe in death4 ,most of them love life1 and are faithful to hope2 and ,i much doubt whether1 if ,helen had but had a taste of trouble to rouse the woman within her before her cousin conceived the wish of making her a proselyte1 she would have turned even a tolerably patient ear to his instructions4 ,yet it is strange to see how even noble women1 with the divine gift of imagination1 may be argued into unbelief in their best instincts by some small man1 as common-place as clever1 who beside them is as limestone to marble4 ,the knowing craft comes creeping up into the shadow of the rich galleon1 and lo1 with all her bountiful sails gleaming in the sun1 the ship of ,god glides off in the wake of the felucca to the sweltering hollows betwixt the winds6 ,you perplex me1 my dear cousin1 said ,bascombe4 ,it is plain your nursing has been too much for you4 ,you see everything with a jaundiced eye4 ,thank you1 ,cousin ,george1 said ,helen4 ,you are even more courteous than usual4 ,she turned from him and went into the house4 ,bascombe walked to the bottom of the garden and lighted his cigar1 confessing to himself that for once he could not understand ,helen4--,was it then only that he was ignorant of the awful fact that lay burrowing in her heart1 or was he not ignorant also of the nature of that heart in which such a fact must so burrow8 ,was there anything in his system to wipe off that burning1 torturing red8 ,such things must be3 men who wrong society must suffer for the sake of that society4 ,but the red lay burning on the conscience of ,helen too1 and she had not murdered6 ,and for him who had1 he gave society never a thought1 but shrieked aloud in his dreams1 and moaned and wept when he waked over the memory of the woman who had wronged him1 and whom he had1 if ,bascombe was right1 swept out of being like an aphis from a rose-leaf4 ,,chapter ,,xvi4 ,a ,,vanishing ,,glimmer4 ,helen ran upstairs1 dropped on her knees by her brother's bedside1 and fell into a fit of sobbing1 which no tears came to relieve4 ,helen6 ,helen6 if you give way ,i shall go mad1 said a voice of misery from the pillow4 ,she jumped up1 wiping her dry eyes4 ,what a wicked1 selfish1 bad sister1 bad nurse1 bad everything1 ,i am1 ,poldie6 she said1 her tone ascending the steps of vocal indignation as she spoke4 ,but shall ,i tell you--here she looked all about the chamber and into the dressing-room ere she proceeded--shall ,i tell you1 ,poldie1 what it is that makes me so-- ,i don't know what8--,it is all the fault of the sermon ,i heard this morning4 ,it is the first sermon ,i ever really listened to in my life--certainly the first ,i ever thought about again after ,i was out of the church4 ,somehow or other of late ,mr4 ,wingfold has been preaching so strangely6 but this is the first time ,i have cared to listen4 ,do you know he preaches as if he actually believed the things he was saying1 and not only that1 but as if he expected to persuade you of them too6 ,i ,,used to think all clergymen believed them1 but ,i doubt it now more than ever1 for ,mr4 ,wingfold speaks so differently and looks so different4 ,i never saw any clergyman look like that2 and ,i never saw such a change on a man as there is on him4 ,there must be something to account for it4 ,could it be that he has himself really gone to--as he says--and found rest--or something he hadn't got before8 ,but you won't know what ,i mean unless ,i tell you first what he was preaching about4 ,his text was3 ,come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden2--a common enough text1 you know8 ,poldie6 but somehow it seemed fresh to him1 and he made it look fresh to me1 for ,i felt as if it hadn't been intended for preaching about at all1 but for going straight into people's hearts its own self1 without any sermon4 ,i think the way he did it was this3 he first made us feel the sort of person that said the words1 and then made us feel that he did say them1 and so made us want to see what they could really mean4 ,but of course what made them so different to me1 was--here ,helen did burst into tears1 but she fought with her sobs1 and went on--was--was--that my heart is breaking for you1 ,poldie--for ,i shall never see you smile again1 my darling6 ,she buried her face on his pillow1 and ,leopold uttered a great and exceeding bitter cry4 ,her hand was on his mouth instantly1 and her sobs ceased1 while the tears kept flowing down her white face4 ,just think1 ,poldie1 she said1 in a voice which she seemed to have borrowed in her need from some one else1 --just think a moment6 ,what if there should be some help in the great wide universe--somewhere1 for as wide as it is--a heart that feels for us both1 as my heart feels for you1 ,poldie6 ,oh6 oh6 wouldn't it be grand8 ,wouldn't it be lovely to be at peace again1 ,poldie8 ,if there should be somebody somewhere who could take this gnawing serpent from my heart6--,she pulled wildly at her dress4--',come unto me1' he said1 'all ye that labour and are heavy laden1 and ,i will give you rest4' ,that's what he said3--oh6 if it could be true6 ,surely it is--for you1 best of sisters1 cried ,leopold2 but what has it to do with me8 ,nothing4 ,she is ,,dead--,i killed her4 ,even if ,god were to raise her to life again1 ,,he could not make it that ,i didn't drive the knife into her heart6 ,give ,,me rest6--why there's the hand that did it6 ,o my ,god6 my ,god6 cried the poor youth1 and stared at his thin wasted hand1 through which the light shone red1 as at a conscious evil thing that had done the deed1 and was still stained with its signs4 ,god ,,can',t be very angry with you1 ,poldie1 sobbed ,helen1 feeling about blindly in the dark forest of her thoughts for some herb of comfort1 and offering any leaf upon which her hand fell first4 ,then he ain't fit to be ,god6 cried ,leopold fiercely4 ,i wouldn't have a word to say to a ,god that didn't cut a man in pieces for such a deed6 ,oh ,helen1 she was so lovely6--and what is she now8 ,surely if there were a ,god1 he would do something to set it right somehow6 ,i know if ,i was ,god1 ,poldie1 ,i should find some way of setting you up again1 my darling4 ,you ain't half as bad as you make yourself out4 ,you had better tell that to the jury1 ,helen1 and see how they will take it1 said ,leopold contemptuously4 ,the jury6 ,helen almost screamed4 ,what do you mean1 ,poldie8 ,well6 returned ,leopold1 in a tone of justification1 but made no further answer to her question4 ,all ,god can do to set it right1 he resumed1 after a pause1 is to damn me for ever and ever1 as one of the blackest creatures in creation4 ,,that ,i don't believe1 anyhow6 returned ,helen with equal vehemence and indefiniteness4 ,and for the first time1 ,george ,bascombe's teachings were a comfort to her4 ,it was all nonsense about a ,god4 ,as to her brother's misery1 it had no source but that to which ,shakespeare attributed the misery of ,macbeth--and who should know better than ,shakespeare8--the fear1 namely1 of people doing the like to himself6 ,but straightway thereupon--horrible thought6--she found herself--yes6 it was in her--call it thought1 or call it feeling1 it was hers6--she found herself despising her poor crushed brother6 disgusted with him6 turning from him1 not even in scorn of his weakness1 but in anger at what he had brought upon her6 ,it was but a flash of the lightning of hell3 one glance of his great1 troubled1 appealing1 yet hopeless eyes1 vague with the fogs that steamed up from the ,phlegethon within him1 was enough to turn her anger at him into hate of herself who had stabbed his angel in her heart4 ,then in herself she knew that all murderers are not of ,macbeth's order1 and that all remorse is not for oneself4 ,but where was the ,god to be found who could and ,,might help in the wretched case8 ,how were they to approach him8 ,or what could he do for them8 ,were such a being to assure ,leopold that no hurt should come to him--even that he thought little of the wrong that he had done--would that make his crushed heart begin to swell again with fresh life8 would that bring back ,emmeline from the dark grave and the worms to the sunny earth and the speech of men8 ,and whither1 yet farther1 he might have sent her1 she dared not think4 ,and ,leopold was not merely at strife with himself1 but condemned to dwell with a self that was loathsome to him4 ,she no longer saw any glimmer of hope but such as lay in ,george's doctrine of death4 ,if there was no helper who could clean hearts and revive the light of life1 then welcome gaunt death6 let the grim-mouthed skeleton be crowned at every feast6 ,,chapter ,,xvii4 ,,let ,,us ,,pray6 ,that was the sole chink in the prison where these two sat immured alone from their kind--unless1 indeed1 the curate might know of another4 ,one thing ,helen had ground for being certain of--that the curate would tell them no more than he knew4 ,even ,george ,bascombe1 who did not believe one thing he said1 counted him an honest man6 ,might she venture to consult him1 putting the case as of a person who had done very wrong--say stolen money or committed forgery or something8 ,might she not thus gather a little honey of comfort and bring it home to ,leopold8 ,thinking thus and thus she sat silent2 and all the time the suffering eyes were fixed upon her face1 looking for no comfort1 but finding there all they ever had of rest4 ,are you thinking about the sermon1 ,helen8 he asked4 ,what was it you were telling me about it just now8 ,who preached it8 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 she answered listlessly4 ,who is ,mr4 ,wingfold8 ,our curate at the ,abbey4 ,what sort of man is he8 ,oh1 a man somewhere about thirty--a straightforward1 ordinary kind of man4 ,ah6 said ,leopld--then added after a moment--,i was hoping he might be an old man1 with a grey head1 like the brahmin who used to teach me ,sanscrit4--,i wish ,i had treated him better1 poor old fellow6 and learned a little more4 ,what does it matter about ,sanscrit8 ,why should you make troubles of trifles8 said ,helen1 whose trials had at last begun to undermine her temper4 ,it was not of the ,sanscrit1 but the moonshee ,i was thinking1 answered ,leopold mildly4 ,you darling6 cried ,helen1 already repentant4 ,but with the revulsion she felt that this state of things could not long continue--she must either lose her senses1 or turn into something hateful to herself3 the strain was more than she could bear4 ,she ,,must speak to somebody1 and she would try whether she could not approach the subject with ,mr4 ,wingfold4 ,but how was she to see him8 ,it would be awkward to call upon him at his lodgings1 and she must see him absolutely alone to dare a whisper of what was on her mind4 ,as she thus reflected1 the thought of what people would say1 were it remarked that she contrived to meet the curate1 brought a shadow of scorn upon her face4 ,leopold saw the expression1 and1 sensitive as an ailing woman1 said1 ,helen1 what ,,have ,i done to make you look like that8 ,how did ,i look1 my ,poldie8 she asked1 turning on him eyes like brimming wells of love and tenderness4 ,let me see1 answered ,leopold2 and after a moment's thought replied1 ,as ,milton's ,satan might have looked if ,mammon had counselled him to make off with the crown-jewels instead of declaring war4 ,ah1 ,poldie6 cried ,helen1 delighted at the stray glance of sunshine1 and kissing him as she spoke1 you must really be better6 ,i'll tell you what6 she exclaimed joyfully1 as a new thought struck her3 ,as soon as you are able1 we will set out for ,new ,york--to pay ,uncle ,tom a visit of course6 but we shall never be seen or heard of again4 ,at ,new ,york we will change our names1 cross to ,san ,francisco1 and from there sail for the ,sandwich ,islands4 ,perhaps we may be able to find a little one to buy1 just big enough for us two2 and you shall marry a nice native---- ,her forced gaiety gave way4 ,she burst out weeping afresh1 and throwing her arms round him1 sobbed-- ,poldie1 ,poldie6 you can pray3 cry to ,god to help us somehow or other2 and if there be no ,god to hear us1 then let us die together4 ,there are easy ways of it1 ,poldie4 ,thank you6 thank you1 sister dear6 he answered1 pressing her to his bosom3 that is the first word of real comfort you have spoken to me4 ,i shall not be afraid if you go with me4 ,it was indeed a comfort to both of them to remember that there was this alternative equally to the gallows and a long life of gnawing fear and remorse4 ,but it was only to be a last refuge of course4 ,helen withdrew to the dressing-room1 laid herself on her bed1 and began to compass how to meet and circumvent the curate1 so as by an innocent cunning to wile from him on false pretences what spiritual balm she might so gain for the torn heart and conscience of her brother4 ,there was no doubt it would be genuine1 and the best to be had1 seeing ,george ,bascombe1 who was honesty itself1 judged the curate an honest man4 ,but how was it to be done8 ,she could see only one way4 ,with some inconsistency1 she resolved to cast herself on his generosity1 and yet would not trust him entirely4 ,she did not go downstairs again1 but had her tea with her brother4 ,in the evening her aunt went out to visit some of her pensioners1 for it was one of ,mrs4 ,ramshorn's clerical duties to be kind to the poor--a good deal at their expense1 ,i am afraid--and presently ,george came to the door of the sick-room to beg her to go down and sing to him4 ,of course1 in the house of a dean's relict1 no music except sacred must be heard on a ,sunday2 but to have ,helen sing it1 ,george would condescend even to a hymn tune2 and there was ,handel1 for whom he professed a great admiration6 ,what mattered his subjects8 ,he could but compose the sort of thing the court wanted of him1 and in order to that1 had to fuddle his brains first1 poor fellow6 ,so said ,george at least4 ,that ,leopold might not hear them talking outside his door1 a thing which no invalid likes1 ,helen went downstairs with her cousin2 but although she had often sung from ,handel for his pleasure1 content to reproduce the bare sounds1 and caring nothing about the feelings both they and the words represented1 she positively refused this evening to gratify him4 ,she must go back to ,leopold4 ,she would sing from ,the ,creation if he liked1 but nothing out of ,the ,messiah would she or could she sing4 ,perhaps she could herself hardly have told why1 but ,george perceived the lingering influence of the morning's sermon1 and more vexed than he had ever yet been with her1 for he could not endure her to cherish the least prejudice in favour of what he despised1 he said he would overtake his aunt1 and left the house4 ,the moment he was gone1 she went to the piano1 and began to sing1 ,comfort ye4 ,when she came to ,come unto me1 she broke down4 ,but with sudden resolution she rose1 and1 having opened every door between it and her brother1 raised the top of the piano1 and then sang1 ,come unto me1 as she had never sung in her life4 ,nor did she stop there4 ,at the distance of six of the wide-standing houses1 her aunt and cousin heard her singing ,thou didst not leave1 with the tone and expression of a prophetess--of a ,maenad1 ,george said4 ,she was still singing when he opened the door1 but when they reached the drawing-room she was gone4 ,she was kneeling beside her brother4 ,,chapter ,,xviii4 ,,two ,,letters4 ,the next morning1 as ,wingfold ate his breakfast by an open window looking across the churchyard1 he received a letter by the local post4 ,it was as follows3-- ,dear ,mr4 ,wingfold1 ,i am about to take an unheard-of liberty1 but my reasons are such as make me bold4 ,the day may come when ,i shall be able to tell you them all4 ,meantime ,i hope you can help me4 ,i want very much to ask your counsel upon a certain matter1 and ,i cannot beg you to call1 for my aunt knows nothing of it4 ,could you contrive a suitable way of meeting8 ,you may imagine my necessity is grievous when ,i thus expose myself to the possible bitterness of my own after judgment4 ,but ,i must have confidence in the man who spoke as you did yesterday morning4 ,i am1 dear ,mr4 ,wingfold1 sincerely yours1 ,helen ,lingard4 ,p4,s4--,i shall be walking along ,pine ,street from our end1 at eleven o'clock to-morrow4 ,the curate was not taken with a great surprise4 ,but something like fear overshadowed him at finding his sermons come back upon him thus4 ,was he1 an unbelieving labourer1 to go reaping with his blunt and broken sickle where the corn was ripest6 ,but he had no time to think about that now4 ,it was nearly ten o'clock1 and she would be looking for her answer at eleven4 ,he had not to think long1 however1 before he saw what seemed a suitable plan to suggest2 whereupon he wrote as follows3 ,dear ,miss ,lingard1 ,i need not say that ,i am entirely at your service4 ,but ,i am doubtful if the only way that occurs to me will commend itself to you4 ,i know what ,i am about to propose is safe1 but you may not have sufficient confidence in my judgment to accept it as such4 ,doubtless you have seen the two deformed persons1 an uncle and niece1 named ,polwarth1 who keep the gate of ,osterfield ,park4 ,i know them well1 and1 strange as it may seem1 ,i must tell you1 in order that you may partake of my confidence1 that whatever change you may have observed in my public work is owing to the influence of those two1 who have more faith in ,god than ,i have ever met with before4 ,it may not be amiss to mention also that1 although poor and distorted1 they are of gentle blood as well as noble nature4 ,with this preamble1 ,i venture to propose that you should meet me at their cottage4 ,to them it would not appear at all strange that one of my congregation should wish to see me alone1 and ,i know you may trust their discretion4 ,but while ,i write thus1 with all confidence in you and in them1 ,i must tell you that ,i have none in myself4 ,i feel both ashamed and perplexed that you should imagine any help in me4 ,of all ,i know1 ,i am the poorest creature to give counsel4 ,all ,i can say for myself is that ,i think ,i see a glimmer of light1 and light is light1 through whatever cranny1 and into whatever poverty-stricken chamber1 it may fall4 ,whatever ,i see ,i will say4 ,if ,i can see nothing to help you1 ,i will be silent4 ,and yet ,i may be able to direct you where to find what ,i cannot give you4 ,if you accept my plan1 and will appoint day and hour1 ,i shall acquaint the ,polwarths with the service we desire of them4 ,should you object to it1 ,i shall try to think of another4 ,i am1 dear ,miss ,lingard1 yours very truly1 ,thomas ,wingfold4 ,he placed the letter between the pages of a pamphlet1 took his hat and stick1 and was walking down ,pine ,street as the ,abbey clock struck eleven4 ,midway he met ,helen1 shook hands with her1 and1 after an indifferent word or two1 gave her the pamphlet1 and bade her good morning4 ,helen hurried home4 ,it had required all her self-command to look him in the face1 and her heart beat almost painfully as she opened the letter4 ,she could not but be pleased--even more than pleased with it4 ,if the secret had been her own1 she thought she could have trusted him entirely2 but she must not expose poor ,leopold4 ,by the next post the curate received a grateful answer1 appointing the time1 and expressing perfect readiness to trust those whom he had tried4 ,she was received at the cottage door by ,rachel1 who asked her to walk into the garden1 where ,mr4 ,wingfold was expecting her4 ,the curate led her to a seat overgrown with honeysuckle4 ,,chapter ,,xix4 ,,advice ,,in ,,the ,,dark4 ,it was some moments before either of them spoke1 and it did not help ,wingfold that she sat clouded by a dark-coloured veil4 ,at length he said1 ,you must not fear to trust me because ,i doubt my ability to help you4 ,i can at least assure you of my sympathy4 ,the trouble ,i have myself had enables me to promise you that4 ,can you tell me1 she said1 from behind more veils than that of lace1 how to get rid of a haunting idea8 ,that depends on the nature of the idea1 ,i should imagine1 answered the curate4 ,such things sometimes arise merely from the state of the health1 and there the doctor is the best help4 ,helen shook her head1 and smiled behind her veil a grievous smile4 ,the curate paused1 but1 receiving no assistance1 ventured on again4 ,if it be a thought of something past and gone1 for which nothing can be done1 ,i think activity in one's daily work must be the best aid to endurance4 ,oh dear6 oh dear6 sighed ,helen--when one has no heart to endure1 and hates the very sunlight6--,you wouldn't talk about work to a man dying of hunger1 would you8 ,i'm not sure about that4 ,he wouldn't heed you4 ,perhaps not4 ,what would you do then8 ,give him some food1 and try him again1 ,i think4 ,then give me some food--some hope1 ,i mean1 and try me again4 ,without that1 ,i don't care about duty or life or anything4 ,tell me1 then1 what is the matter2 ,i ,,may be able to hint at some hope1 said ,wingfold1 very gently4 ,do you call yourself a ,christian8 ,the question would to most people have sounded strange1 abrupt1 inquisitorial2 but to ,helen it sounded not one of them all4 ,no1 she answered4 ,ah6 said the curate a little sadly1 and went on4 ,because then ,i could have said1 you know where to go for comfort4--,might it not be well however to try if there is any to be had from him that said ',,come ,,unto ,,me1 ,,and ,i ,,will ,,give ,,you ,,rest8' ,i can do nothing with that4 ,i have tried and tried to pray1 but it is of no use4 ,there is such a weight on my heart that no power of mine can lift it up4 ,i suppose it is because ,i cannot believe there is anyone hearing a word ,i say4 ,yesterday1 when ,i got alone in the park1 ,i prayed aloud3 ,i thought that perhaps1 even if he might not be able to read what was in my heart1 he might be able to hear my voice4 ,i was even foolish enough to wish ,i knew ,greek1 because perhaps he would understand me better if ,i were to pray in ,greek4 ,my brain seems turning4 ,it is of no use6 ,there is no help anywhere6 ,she tried hard1 but could not prevent a sob4 ,and then came a burst of tears4 ,will you not tell me something about it8 said the curate1 yet more gently4 ,oh1 how gladly would he relieve her heart if he might6 ,perhaps ,jesus has begun to give you help1 though you do not know it yet1 he said1 ,his help may be on the way to you1 or even with you1 only you do not recognize it for what it is4 ,i have known that kind of thing4 ,tell me some fact or some feeling ,i can lay hold of4 ,possibly there is something you ought to do and are not doing1 and that is why you cannot rest4 ,i think ,jesus would give no rest except in the way of learning of him4 ,helen's sobs ceased1 but what appeared to the curate a long silence followed4 ,at length she said1 with faltering voice3 ,suppose it were a great wrong that had been done1 and that was the unendurable thought8 ,,suppose1 ,i say1 that was what made me miserable6 ,then you must of course make all possible reparation1 answered ,wingfold at once4 ,but if none were possible--what then8 ,here the answer was not so plain1 and the curate had to think4 ,at least1 he said at length1 you could confess the wrong1 and ask forgiveness4 ,but if that also were impossible1 said ,helen1 shuddering inwardly to find how near she drew to the edge of the awful fact4 ,again the curate took time to reply4 ,i am endeavouring to answer your questions as well as ,i can1 he said2 but it is hard to deal with generalities4 ,you see how useless1 for that very reason1 my answers have as yet been6 ,still ,i have something more to say1 and hesitate only because it may imply more confidence than ,i dare profess1 and of all things ,i dread untruth4 ,but ,i am honest in this much at least1 that ,i desire with true heart to find a ,god who will acknowledge me as his creature and make me his child1 and if there be any ,god ,i am nearly certain he will do so2 for surely there cannot be any other kind of ,god than the ,father of ,jesus ,christ6 ,in the strength of this much of conscious truth ,i venture to say--that no crime can be committed against a creature without being committed also against the creator of that creature2 therefore surely the first step for anyone who has committed such a crime must be to humble himself before ,god1 confess the sin1 and ask forgiveness and cleansing4 ,if there is anything in religion at all it must rest upon an actual individual communication between ,god and the creature he has made2 and if ,god heard the man's prayer and forgave him1 then the man would certainly know it in his heart and be consoled--perhaps by the gift of humility4 ,then you think confession to ,god is all that is required8 ,if there be no one else wronged to whom confession can be made4 ,if the case were mine--and sometimes ,i much fear that in taking holy orders ,i have grievously sinned--,i should then do just as ,i have done with regard to that--cry to the living power which ,i think originated me1 to set the matter right for me4 ,but if it could not be set right8 ,then to forgive and console me4 ,alas6 alas6 that he will not hear of4 ,he would rather be punished than consoled4 ,i fear for his brain4 ,but indeed that might be well4 ,she had gone much farther than she had intended2 but the more doubtful help became1 the more she was driven by the agony of a perishing hope to search the heart of ,wingfold4 ,again the curate pondered4 ,are you sure1 he said at length1 that the person of whom you speak is not neglecting something he ought to do--something he knows perhaps8 ,he had come back to the same with which he started4 ,through her veil he saw her turn deadly white4 ,ever since ,leopold said the word ,,jury1 a ghastly fear had haunted ,helen4 ,she pressed her hand on her heart and made no answer4 ,i speak from experience1 the curate went on--from what else could ,i speak8 ,i know that so long as we hang back from doing what conscience urges1 there is no peace for us4 ,i will not say our prayers are not heard1 for ,mr4 ,polwarth has taught me that the most precious answer prayer can have1 lies in the growing strength of the impulse towards the dreaded duty1 and in the ever sharper stings of the conscience4 ,i think ,i asked already whether there were no relatives to whom reparation could be made8 ,yes1 yes1 gasped ,helen2 and ,i told you reparation was impossible4 ,her voice had sunk almost to a groan4 ,but at least confession-- said ,wingfold---and started from his seat4 ,,chapter ,,xx4 ,,intercession4 ,a stifled cry had interrupted him4 ,helen was pressing her handkerchief to her mouth4 ,she rose and ran from him4 ,wingfold stood alarmed and irresolute4 ,she had not gone many steps1 however1 when her pace slackened1 her knees gave way1 and she dropped senseless on the grass4 ,wingfold ran to the house for water4 ,rachel hastened to her assistance1 and ,polwarth followed4 ,it was some time before they succeeded in reviving her4 ,when at length the colour began to return a little to her cheek1 ,polwarth dropped on his knees at her feet4 ,wingfold in his ministrations was already kneeling on one side of her1 and ,rachel now kneeled on the other4 ,then ,polwarth said1 in his low and husky1 yet not altogether unmelodious voice1 ,life eternal1 this lady of thine hath a sore heart and we cannot help her4 ,thou art ,help1 ,o mighty ,love4 ,they who know thee best rejoice in thee most4 ,as thy sun that shines over our heads1 as thy air that flows into our bodies1 thou art above1 around1 and in us2 thou art in her heart3 ,oh speak to her there2 let her know thy will1 and give her strength to do it1 ,o ,father of ,jesus ,christ6 ,amen4 ,when ,helen opened her eyes1 she saw only the dark leaves of an arbutus over her1 and knew nothing beyond a sense of utter misery and weakness1 with an impulse to rise and run4 ,with an effort she moved her head a little1 and then she saw the three kneeling forms1 the clergyman with bowed head1 and the two dwarfs with shining upturned faces3 she thought she was dead and they were kneeling about her corpse4 ,her head dropped with a weary sigh of relief1 she lay passive1 and heard the dwarf's prayer4 ,then she knew that she was not dead1 and the disappointment was bitter4 ,but she thought of ,leopold1 and was consoled4 ,after a few minutes of quiet1 they helped her into the house1 and laid her on a sofa in the parlour4 ,don't be frightened1 dear lady1 said the little woman2 nobody shall come near you4 ,we will watch you as if you were the queen4 ,i am going to get some tea for you4 ,but the moment she left the room1 ,helen got up4 ,she could not endure a moment longer in the place4 ,there was a demon at her brother's ear1 whispering to him to confess1 to rid himself of his torture by the aid of the law3 she must rush home and drive him away4 ,she took her hat in her hand1 opened the door softly1 and ere ,rachel could say a word1 had flitted through the kitchen1 and was amongst the trees on the opposite side of the road4 ,rachel ran to the garden to her uncle and ,wingfold4 ,they looked at each other for a moment in silence4 ,i will follow her1 said ,wingfold4 ,she may faint again4 ,if she does ,i shall whistle4 ,he followed1 and kept her in sight until she was safe in her aunt's garden4 ,what ,,is to be done8 he said1 returning in great trouble4 ,i do not think ,i made any blunder1 but there she is gone in tenfold misery6 ,i wish ,i could tell you what passed1 but that of course ,i cannot4 ,of course not1 returned ,polwarth4 ,but the fact of her leaving yon so is no sign that you said the wrong thing1--rather the contrary4 ,when people seek advice1 it is too often in the hope of finding the adviser side with their second familiar self1 instead of their awful first self1 of which they know so little4 ,do not be anxious4 ,you have done your best4 ,wait for what will come next4 ,,chapter ,,xxi4 ,,helen ,,alone4 ,helen tottered to a little summer-house in the garden1 which had been her best retreat since she had given her room to her brother1 and there seated herself to regain breath and composure ere she went to him4 ,she had sought the door of ,paradise1 and the door of hell had been opened to her6 ,if the frightful idea which1 she did not doubt1 had already suggested itself to ,leopold1 should now be encouraged1 there was nothing but black madness before her6 ,her ,poldie on the scaffold6 ,god in heaven6 ,infinitely rather would she poison herself and him6 ,then she remembered how pleased and consoled he had been when she said something about their dying together1 and that reassured her a little3 no1 she was certain ,leopold would never yield himself to public shame6 ,but she must take care that foolish1 extravagant curate should not come near him4 ,there was no knowing to what he might persuade him6 ,poor ,poldie was so easily led by any show of nobility--anything that looked grand or self-sacrificing6 ,helen's only knowledge of guilt came from the pale image of it lifted above her horizon by the refraction of her sympathy4 ,she did not know1 perhaps never would understand the ghastly horror of conscious guilt1 besides which there is no evil else4 ,agonies of injury a man may endure1 and1 so far from being overwhelmed1 rise above them tenfold a man1 who1 were he to awake to the self-knowledge of a crime1 would sink into a heap of ruin4 ,then indeed1 if there be no ,god1 or one that has not an infinite power of setting right that which has gone wrong with his work1 then indeed welcome the faith1 for faith it may then be called1 of such as say there is no hereafter6 ,helen did not know to what gulfs of personal shame1 nay1 to what summits of public execration1 a man may be glad to flee for refuge from the fangs of home-born guilt--if so be there is any refuge to be found in either4 ,and some kind of refuge there does seem to be4 ,strange it is and true that in publicity itself lies some relief from the gnawing of the worm--as if even a cursing humanity were a barrier of protection between the torn soul and its crime4 ,it flees to its kind for shelter from itself4 ,hence1 ,i imagine1 in part1 may the coolness of some criminals be accounted for4 ,their quietness is the relief brought by confession--even confession but to their fellows4 ,is it that the crime seems then lifted a little from their shoulders1 and its weight shared by the ace8 ,helen had hoped that the man who had spoken in public so tenderly1 and at the same time so powerfully1 of the saving heart of the universe1 that would have no divisions of pride1 no scatterings of hate1 but of many would make one1 would in private have spoken yet sweeter words of hope and consolation1 which she might have carried home in gladness to her sick-souled brother1 to comfort and strengthen him--words of might to allay the burning of the poison within him1 and make him feel that after all there was yet a place for him in the universe1 and that he was no outcast of ,gehenna4 ,but instead of such words of gentle might1 like those of the man of whom he was so fond of talking1 he had only spoken drearily of duty1 hinting at a horror that would plunge the whole ancient family into a hell of dishonour and contempt6 ,it did indeed show what mere heartless windbags of effete theology those priests were6 ,skeletons they were1 and no human beings at all6--,her father6--the thought of him was distraction6 ,her mother6 ,oh1 if ,leopold had had her mother for his too1 instead of the dark-skinned woman with the flashing eyes1 he would never have brought this upon them6 ,it was all his mother's fault--the fault of her race--and of the horrible drug her people had taught him to take6 ,and was he to go and confess it1 and be tried for it1 and be--8 ,great ,god6--,and here was the priest actually counselling what was worse than any suicide6 ,suddenly1 however1 it occurred to her that the curate had had no knowledge of the facts of the case1 and had therefore been compelled to talk at random4 ,it was impossible he should suspect the crime of which her brother had been guilty1 and therefore could not know the frightful consequences of such a confession as he had counselled4 ,had she not better then tell him all1 and so gather from him some right and reasonable advice for the soothing of the agonies of her poor broken-winged angel8 ,but alas6 what security had she that a man capable of such priestly sevei'ity and heartlessness--her terrors made her thus inconsequent--would not himself betray the all but innocent sufferer to the vengeance of justice so called8 ,no2 she would venture no farther4 ,sooner would she go to ,george ,bascombe--from whom she not only could look for no spiritual comfort1 but whose theories were so cruel against culprits of all sorts6 ,alas1 alas6 she was alone6 absolutely alone in the great waste1 death-eyed universe6--,but for a man to talk so of the tenderness of ,jesus ,christ1 and then serve her as the curate had done--it was indeed shameless6 ,,he would never have treated a poor wretched woman like that6--,and as she said thus to herself1 again the words sounded in the ear of her heart3 ',,come ,,unto ,,me1 ,,all ,,ye ,,that ,,labour ,,and ,,are ,,heavy ,,laden1 ,,and ,i ,,will ,,give ,,you ,,rest4' ,whence came the voice8 ,from her memory1 or from that inner chamber of the spirit which the one spirit-bearing spirit keeps for his own in every house that he builds--alas so long in most human houses shut away from the rest of the rooms and forgotten1 or recollected with uneasiness as a lumber-closet in which lie too many things that had better not be looked into8 ,but what matter where the voice that had said them1 so long as the words were true1 and she might believe them6--,whatever is true ,,can be believed of the true heart4 ,ere she knew1 ,helen was on her knees1 with her head on the chair1 yet once more crying to the hearer of cries--possible or impossible being she knew not in the least1 but words reported of him had given birth to the cry--to help her in her dire need4 ,instead of any word1 or thought even1 coming to her that might be fancied an answer1 she was scared from her knees by an approaching step---that of the house-keeper come to look for her with the message from her aunt that ,leopold was more restless than usual1 not at all like himself1 and she could do nothing with him4 ,,chapter ,,xxii4 ,a ,,haunted ,,soul4 ,helen rose and hastened to her brother1 with a heart of lead in her body4 ,she started when she saw him3 some change had passed on him since the morning6 ,was that eager look in his eyes a fresh access of the fever8 ,that glimmer on his countenance1 doubtful as the first of the morning1 when the traveller knows not whether the light be in the sky or only in his brain1 did look more like a dawn of his old healthful radiance than any fresh fire of madness2 but at the same time he appeared more wasted and pinched and death-like than she had yet seen him4 ,or was it only in her eyes--was she but reading in his face the agony she had herself gone through that day8 ,helen1 ,helen6 he cried as she entered the room1 come here1 close to me4 ,she hastened to him1 sat down on the bedside1 took his hand1 and looked as cheerfully as she could1 yet it was but the more woefully1 in his face4 ,helen6 he said again1 and he spoke with a strange expression in his voice1 for it seemed that of hope1 ,i have been thinking all day of what you told me on ,sunday4 ,what was that1 ,poldie8 asked ,helen with a pang of fear4 ,why1 those words of course--what else8 ,you sang them to me afterwards1 you know4 ,helen1 ,i should like to see ,mr4 ,wingfold4 ,don't you think he might be able to do something8 ,what sort of thing1 ,poldie8 she faltered1 growing sick at heart4--,was this what came of praying6 she thought bitterly4 ,something or other--,i don't know what exactly1 returned ,leopold4--,oh ,helen6 he broke out with a cry1 stifled by the caution that had grown habitual to both of them1 is there no help of any kind anywhere8 ,surely ,mr4 ,wingfold could tell me something--comfort me somehow1 if ,i were to tell him all about it6 ,i could trust the man that said such things as those you told me4 ,that ,i could6--,oh6 ,i wish ,i hadn't run away1 but had let them take me and hang me6 ,helen felt herself grow white4 ,she turned away1 and pretended to search for something she had dropped4 ,i don't think he would be of the slightest use to you1 she said1 still stooping4 ,and she felt like a devil dragging the soul of her brother to hell4 ,but that was a foolish fancy1 and must be resisted6 ,not if ,i told him everything8 ,leopold hissed from between his teeth in the struggle to keep down a shriek4 ,no1 not if you told him everything1 she answered1 and felt like a judge condemning him to death4 ,what is he there for then8 said ,leopold indignantly1 and turned his face to the wall and moaned4 ,helen had not yet thought of asking herself whether her love to her brother was all clear love1 and nowise mingled with selfishness-- whether in the fresh horror that day poured into the cup that had seemed already running over1 it was of her brother only she thought1 or whether threatened shame to herself had not a part in her misery4 ,but1 as far as she was aware1 she was quite honest in saying that the curate could not comfort him--for what attempt even had he made to comfort her8 ,what had he done but utter common-places and truisms about duty8 ,and who could tell but--indeed was she not certain that such a man1 bringing the artillery of his fanaticism to bear upon her poor boy's wild enthusiastic temperament1 would speedily persuade him to make a reality of that terrible thing he had already thought of1 that hideously impossible possibility which she dared not even allow to present itself before her imagination8 ,so he lay and moaned1 and she sat crushed and speechless with despairing misery4 ,all at once ,leopold sat straight up1 his eyes fixed and flaming1 his face white3 he looked like a corpse possessed by a spirit of fear and horror4 ,helen's heart swelled into her throat1 the muscles of her face contracted with irresistible rigor1 and she felt it grow exactly like his1 while with wide eyes she stared at him1 and he stared at something which lest she also should see1 she dared not turn her head4 ,surely1 she thought afterwards1 she must have been that moment in the presence of something unearthly6 ,her physical being was wrenched from her control1 and she must simply sit and wait until the power or influence1 whichever it might be1 should pass away4 ,how long it was ere it relaxed its hold she could not tell2 it could not have been long1 she thought4 ,suddenly the light sank from ,leopold's eyes1 his muscles relaxed1 he fell back motionless1 apparently senseless1 on the pillow1 and she thought he was dead4 ,the same moment she was free2 the horror had departed from her own atmosphere too1 and she made haste to restore him4 ,but in all she did for him1 she felt like the executioner who gives restoratives to the wretch that has fainted on the rack or the wheel4 ,what right had ,,she1 she thought1 to multiply to him his moments of torture8 ,if the cruel power that had created him for such misery1 whoever1 whatever1 wherever he might be1 chose thus to torture him1 was she1 his only friend1 out of the selfish affection he had planted in her1 to lend herself his tool8 ,yet she hesitated not a single moment in her ministrations4 ,there is so much passes in us of which our consciousness takes no grasp1--or but with such a flitting touch as scarcely to hand it over to the memory--that ,i feel encouraged to doubt whether ever there was a man absolutely without hope4 ,that there have been1 alas1 are many1 who are aware of no ground of hope1 nay even who feel no glimmer in them of anything they can call hope1 ,i know2 but ,i think in them all is an underlying unconscious hope4 ,i think that not one in all the world has more than a shadowy notion of what hopelessness means4 ,perhaps utter hopelessness is the outer darkness4 ,at length ,leopold opened his eyes1 gave a terrified glance around1 held out his arms to her1 and drew her down upon his face4 ,i saw her6 he said1 in a voice that sounded as if it came from the grave1 and she heard it in her heart4 ,nonsense1 dear ,poldie6 it was all fancy--nothing more1 she returned1 in a voice almost as hollow as his2 and the lightness of the words uttered in such a tone jarred dismayfully on her own ear4 ,fancy6 he repeated2 ,i know what fancy is as well as any man or woman born3 ,,that was no fancy4 ,she stood there1 by the wardrobe--in the same dress6--her face as white as her dress6 ,and--listen6--,i will tell ,,you--,i will soon satisfy you it ,,could be no fancy4--,here he pushed her from him and looked straight in her eyes4--,i saw her back reflected in the mirror of the wardrobe-door1 and--here the fixed look of horror threatened to return upon his face1 but he went on--listen1--there was a worm crawling on it1 over her lovely white shoulder6 ,ugh6 ,i saw it in the mirror6 ,his voice had risen to a strangled shriek1 his face was distorted1 and he shook like a child on the point of yelling aloud in an agony of fear4 ,helen clasped his face between her hands1 and gathering courage from despair1 if indeed that be a possible source of courage1 and it is not gathered rather from the hidden hope of which ,i speak1 and the love that will cleave and not forsake1 she set her teeth1 and said3 ,let her come then1 ,poldie6 ,i am with you1 and ,i defy her6 ,she shall know that a sister's love is stronger than the hate of a jilt--even if you did kill her4 ,before ,god1 ,poldie1 ,i would after all rather be you than she4 ,say what you will1 she had herself to blame1 and ,i don't doubt did twenty worse things than you did when you killed her4 ,but ,leopold seemed not to hear a word she said1 and lay with his face to the wall4 ,at length he turned his head suddenly1 and said1 ,helen1 if you don't let me see ,mr4 ,wingfold1 ,i shall go mad1 and then everything will come out4 ,,chapter ,,xxiii4 ,,compelled ,,confidence4 ,helen flew to the dressing-room to hide her dismay1 and there cast herself on the bed4 ,the gray ,fate above1 or the awful ,demo-gorgon beneath1 would have its way6 ,whether it was a living ,will or but the shadow of the events it seemed to order1 it was too much for her4 ,she had no choice but yield4 ,she rose and returned to her brother4 ,i am going to find ,mr4 ,wingfold1 she said in a hoarse voice1 as she took her hat4 ,don't be long then1 ,helen1 returned ,leopold4 ,i can't bear you out of my sight4 ,and don't let aunt come into the room4 ,,she might come again1 you know1 and then all would be out4--,bring him with you1 ,helen4 ,i will1 answered ,helen1 and went4 ,the curate might have returned3 she would seek him first at his lodging4 ,she cared nothing about appearances now4 ,it was a dull afternoon4 ,clouds had gathered1 and the wind was chilly4 ,it seemed to blow out of the church1 which stood up cold and gray against the sky1 filling the end of the street4 ,what a wretched1 horrible world it was6 ,she approached the church1 and entered the churchyard from which it rose like a rock from the ,dead ,sea--a type of the true church1 around whose walls lie the dead bodies of the old selves left behind by those who enter4 ,helen would have envied the dead1 who lay so still under its waves2 but1 alas6 if ,leopold was right1 they but roamed elsewhere in their trouble1 and were no better for dying4 ,she hurried across1 and reached the house2 but ,mr4 ,wingfold had not yet returned1 and she hurried back across it again1 to tell ,leopold that she must go farther to find him4 ,the poor youth was already more composed4 ,what will not the vaguest hope sometimes do for a man6 ,helen told him she had seen the curate in the park1 when she was out in the morning1 and he might be there still1 or she might meet him coming back4 ,leopold only begged her to make haste4 ,she took the road to the lodge4 ,she did not meet him1 and it was with intense repugnance that she approached the gate4 ,is ,mr4 ,wingfold here8 she asked of ,rachel1 as if she had never spoken to her before2 and ,rachel1 turning paler at the sight of her1 answered that he was in the garden with her uncle1 and went to call him4 ,the moment he appeared she said1 in a tone rendered by conflicting emotions inexplicable1 and sounding almost rude1 ,will you come to my brother8 ,he is very ill1 and wants to see you4 ,certainly1 returned ,wingfold2 ,i will go with you at once4 ,but in his heart he trembled at the thought of being looked to for consolation and counsel1 and that apparently in a case of no ordinary kind4 ,most likely he would not know what to say1 or how to behave himself6 ,how different it would be if with all his heart he believed the grand lovely things recorded in the book of his profession6 ,then indeed he might enter the chambers of pain and fear and guilt with the innocent confidence of a winged angel of comfort and healing6 ,but now the eyes of his understanding were blinded with the ,,ifs and ,,buts that flew swarming like black muscae wherever they turned4 ,still he would--nay1 he must go and do his best4 ,they walked across the park to reach the house by the garden1 and for some distance they walked in silence4 ,at length ,helen said3 ,you must not encourage my brother to talk much1 if you please2 and you must not mind what he says2 he has had brain-fever1 and sometimes talks strangely4 ,but on the other hand1 if he fancy you don't believe him1 it will drive him wild--so you must take care-- please4 ,her voice was like that of a soul trying to speak with unproved lips4 ,miss ,lingard1 said ,wingfold1 slowly and quietly--and if his voice trembled1 he only was aware of it1 ,i cannot see your face1 therefore you must pardon me if ,i ask you--are you quite honest with me8 ,helen's first feeling was anger4 ,she held her peace for a time4 ,then she said1 ,so1 ,mr4 ,wingfold6--that is the way you help the helpless6 ,how can any man help without knowing what has to be helped8 returned the curate4 ,the very being of his help depends upon his knowing the truth4 ,it is very plain you do not trust me1 and equally impossible ,i should be of any service as long as the case is such4 ,again ,helen held her peace4 ,resentment and dislike towards himself combined with terror of his anticipated counsel to render her speechless4 ,her silence lasted so long that ,wingfold came to the resolution of making a venture that had occurred to him more than once that morning4 ,had he not been convinced that a soul was in dire misery1 he would not have had recourse to the seeming cruelty4 ,would this help to satisfy you that1 whatever my advice may be worth1 at least my discretion may be trusted8 he said4 ,they were at the moment passing through a little thicket in the park1 where nobody could see them1 and as he spoke1 he took the knife-sheath from his pocket1 and held it out to her4 ,she started like a young horse at something dead3 she had never seen it1 but the shape had an association4 ,she paled1 retreated a step1 with a drawing back of her head and neck and a spreading of her nostrils1 stared for a moment1 first at the sheath1 then at the curate1 gave a little moan1 bit her under lip hard1 held out her hand1 but as if she were afraid to touch the thing1 and said3 ,what is it8 ,where did you find it8 ,she would have taken it1 but ,wingfold held it fast4 ,give it me1 she said imperatively4 ,it is mine4 ,i lost it4 ,there is something dark on the lining of it1 said the curate1 and looked straight into her eyes4 ,she let go her hold4 ,but almost the same moment she snatched the sheath out of his hand and held it to her bosom1 while her look of terror changed into one of defiance4 ,wingfold made no attempt to recover it4 ,she put it in her pocket1 and drew herself up4 ,what do you mean8 she said1 in a voice that was hard yet trembled4 ,she felt like one that sees the vultures gathering above him1 and lifts a moveable finger in defence4 ,then with sudden haughtiness both of gesture and word3 ,you have been acting the spy1 sir6 ,no1 returned the curate quietly4 ,the sheath was committed to my care by one whom certain facts that had come to his knowledge-- certain words he had overheard-- ,he paused4 ,she shook visibly1 but still would hold what ground might yet be left her4 ,why did you not give it me before8 she asked4 ,in the public street1 or in your aunt's presence8 ,you are cruel6 she panted4 ,her strength was going4 ,what do you know8 ,nothing so well as that ,i want to serve you1 and you may trust me4 ,what do you mean to do8 ,my best to help you and your brother4 ,but to what end8 ,to any end that is right4 ,but how8 ,what would you tell him to do8 ,you must help me to discover what he ought to do4 ,not-- she cried1 clasping her hands and dropping on her knees before him1 --you ,,will not tell him to give himself up8 ,promise me you will not1 and ,i will tell you everything4 ,he shall do anything you please but that6 ,anything but that6 ,wingfold's heart was sore at sight of her agony4 ,he would have raised her with soothing words of sympathy and assurance1 but still she cried1 ,promise me you will not make him give himself up4 ,i dare not promise anything4 he said4 ,i ,,must do what ,i may see to be right4 ,believe me1 ,i have no wish to force myself into your confidence1 but you have let me see that you are in great trouble and in need of help1 and ,i should be unfaithful to my calling if ,i did not do my best to make you trust me4 ,a pause followed4 ,helen rose despairingly1 and they resumed their walk4 ,just as they reached the door in the fence which would let them out upon the meadow in sight of the ,manor-house1 she turned to him and said1 ,i will trust you1 ,mr4 ,wingfold4 ,i mean1 ,i will take you to my brother1 and he shall do as he thinks proper4 ,they passed out and walked across the meadow in silence4 ,in the passage under the fence1 as she turned from closing the door behind them1 she stood and pressed her hand to her side4 ,oh6 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 she cried1 my heart will break6 ,he has no one but me6 ,no one but me to be mother and sister and all to him6 ,he is ,,not wicked--my poor darling6 ,she caught the curate by the arm with a grasp which left its mark behind it1 and gazed appealingly into his face3 in the dim tomb-like light1 her wide-strained eyes1 white agonized countenance1 and trembling roseless lips made her look like one called back from death to speak of horrors4 ,save him from madness1 she said1 in forced and unnatural utterance4 ,save him from the remorse gnawing at his heart4 ,but do not1 ,,do not counsel him to give himself up4 ,would it not be better you should tell me about it1 said the curate1 and save him the pain and excitement8 ,i will do so1 if he wishes it1 not otherwise4 ,come2 we must not stay longer4 ,he can hardly bear me out of his sight4 ,i will leave you for one moment in the library1 and then come to you4 ,if you should see my aunt1 not a word of all this1 please4 ,all she knows is that he has had brain-fever1 and is recovering only very slowly4 ,i have never given her even a hint of anything worse4 ,indeed1 honestly1 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 ,i am not at all certain he did do what he will tell you4 ,but there is his misery all the same4 ,do have pity on us1 and don't be hard upon the poor boy4 ,he is but a boy--only twenty4 ,may ,god be to me as ,i am to him6 said ,wingfold solemnly4 ,helen withdrew her entreating eyes1 and let go his arm4 ,they went up into the garden and into the house4 ,afterwards1 ,wingfold was astonished at his own calmness and decision in taking upon him--almost1 as it were1 dragging to him--this relation with ,helen and her brother4 ,but he had felt that not to do so would be to abandon ,helen to her grief1 and that for her sake he must not hesitate to encounter whatever might have to be encountered in doing so4 ,helen left him in the library1 as she had said1 and there he waited her return in a kind of stupor1 unable to think1 and feeling as if he were lost in a strange and anxious dream4 ,,chapter ,,xxiv4 ,,willing ,,confidence4 ,come1 said ,helen1 re-entering1 and the curate rose and followed her4 ,the moment he turned the corner of the bed and saw the face on the pillow1 he knew in his soul that ,helen was right1 and that that was no wicked youth who lay before him--one1 however1 who might well have been passion-driven4 ,there was the dark complexion and the great soft yet wild eyes that came of tropical blood4 ,had not ,helen so plainly spoken of her brother1 however1 he would have thought he saw before him a woman4 ,the worn1 troubled1 appealing light that overflowed rather than shone from his eyes1 went straight to the curate's heart4 ,wingfold had had a brother1 the only being in the world he had ever loved tenderly2 he had died young1 and a thin film of ice had since gathered over the well of his affections2 but now suddenly this ice broke and vanished1 and his heart yearned over the suffering youth4 ,he had himself been crying to ,god1 not seldom in sore trouble1 and now1 ere1 as it seemed1 he had himself been heard1 here was a sad brother crying to him for help4 ,nor was this all2 the reading of the gospel story had roused in his heart a strange yet most natural longing after the face of that man of whom he read such lovely things1 and thence1 unknown to himself1 had come a reverence and a love for his kind1 which now first sprang awake to his consciousness in the feeling that drew him towards ,leopold4 ,softly he approached the bed1 his face full of tenderness and strong pity4 ,the lad1 weak with protracted illness and mental torture1 gave one look in his face1 and stretched out both his arms to him4 ,how could the curate give him but a hand8 ,he put his arms round him as if he had been a child4 ,i knew you would come1 sobbed ,lingard4 ,what else should ,i do but come8 returned ,wingfold4 ,i have seen you somewhere before1 said ,lingard--in one of my dreams1 ,i suppose4 ,then1 sinking his voice to a whisper1 he added3 ,do you know you came in close behind ,,her8 ,she looked round and saw you1 and vanished6 ,wingfold did not even try to guess at his meaning4 ,hush1 my dear fellow6 he said2 ,i must not let you talk wildly1 or the doctor might forbid my seeing you4 ,i am not talking a bit wildly1 returned ,leopold4 ,i am as quiet as a mountain-top4 ,ah6 when ,i ,,am wild--if you saw me then1 you might say so6 ,wingfold sat down on the side of the bed1 and took the thin1 hot hand next him in his own firm1 cool one4 ,come now1 he said1 tell me all about it4 ,or shall your sister tell me8--,come here1 please1 ,miss ,lingard4 ,no1 no6 cried ,leopold hastily2 ,i will tell you myself4 ,my poor sister could not bear to tell it you4 ,it would kill her4--,but how am ,i to know you will not get up and walk out the moment you have a glimpse of what is coming8 ,i would as soon leave a child burning in the fire1 and go out and shut the door1 said ,wingfold4 ,you can go now1 ,helen1 said ,lingard very quietly4 ,why should you be tortured over again8 ,you needn't mind leaving me4 ,mr4 ,wingfold will take care of me4 ,helen left the room1 with one anxious look at her brother as she went4 ,without a moment's further delay1 ,leopold began1 and in wonderfully direct and unbroken narrative1 told the sad evil tale as he had formerly told it to his sister1 only more consecutively and quietly4 ,possibly his anxiety as to how the listener would receive it1 served1 by dividing him between two emotions1 to keep the reuttered tale from overpowering him with freshened vividness4 ,all the time1 he kept watching ,wingfold's face1 the expressions of which the curate felt those eyes were reading like a book4 ,he was so well prepared1 however1 that no expression of surprise1 no reflex of its ghastfulness met ,leopold's gaze1 and he went on to the end without a pause even4 ,when he had finished1 both sat silent1 looking in each other's eyes1 ,wingfold's beaming with compassion1 and ,lingard's glimmering with doubtful1 anxious inquiry and appeal4 ,at length ,wingfold said3 ,and what do you think ,i can do for you8 ,i don't know4 ,i thought you could tell me something4 ,i cannot live like this6 ,if ,i had but thought before ,i did it1 and killed myself instead of her6 ,it would have done so much better6 ,of course ,i should be in hell now1 but that would be all right1 and this is all wrong4 ,i have no right to be lying here and ,emmeline in her grave4 ,i know ,i deserve to be miserable for ever and ever1 and ,i don't want not to be miserable--that is all right--but there is something in this wretchedness that ,i cannot bear4 ,tell me something to make me able to endure my misery4 ,that is what you can do for me4 ,i don't want to go mad4 ,and what is worst of all1 ,i have made my sister miserable1 and ,i can't bear to see it4 ,she is wasting away with it4 ,and besides ,i fancy she loves ,george ,bascombe--and who would marry the sister of a murderer8 ,and now she has begun to come to me again--in the daytime--,i mean ,emmeline6--or ,i have begun to see her again--,i don't know which2--perhaps she is always there1 only ,i don't always see her--and it don't much matter which4 ,only if other people were to see her6--,while she is there nothing could persuade me ,i do not see her1 but afterwards ,i am not so sure that ,i did4 ,and at night ,i keep dreaming the horrible thing over and over again2 and the agony is to think ,i shall never get rid of it1 and never never feel clean again4 ,to be for ever and ever a murderer and people not know it1 is more than ,i ,,can bear4 ,,chapter ,,xxv4 ,,the ,,curate',s ,,counsel4 ,not seeing yet what he had to say1 but knowing that scintillation the smallest is light1 the curate let the talk take its natural course1 and said the next thing that came to him4 ,how do you feel when you think that you may yet be found out8 he asked4 ,at first ,i was more afraid of that than of anything else4 ,then after that danger seemed past1 ,i was afraid of the life to come4 ,that fear left me next1 and now it is the thing itself that is always haunting me4 ,i often wish they would come and take me1 and deliver me from myself4 ,it would be a comfort to have it all known1 and never need to start again4 ,i think ,i could even bear to see her in the prison4 ,if it would annihilate the deed1 or bring ,emmeline back1 ,i cannot tell you how gladly ,i would be hanged4 ,i would1 indeed1 ,mr4 ,wingfold4 ,i ,i hope you will believe me1 though ,i don't deserve it4 ,i do believe you1 said the curate1 and a silence followed4 ,there is but one thing ,i can say with confidence at this moment1 he resumed3 it is1 that ,i am your friend1 and will stand by you4 ,but the first part of friendship sometimes is to confess poverty1 and ,i want to tell you that1 of the very things concerning which ,i ought to know most1 ,i knew least4 ,i have but lately begun to feel after ,god1 and ,i dare not say that ,i have found him1 but ,i think ,i know now where to find him4 ,and ,i do think1 if we could find him1 then we should find help4 ,all ,i can do for you now is only to be near you1 and talk to you1 and pray to ,god for you1 that so together we may wait for what light may come4--,does anything ever look to you as if it would make you feel better8 ,i have no right to feel better or take comfort from anything4 ,i am not sure about that4--,do you feel any better for having me come to see you8 ,oh1 yes1 indeed ,i do6 ,well1 there is no wrong in that1 is there8 ,i don't know4 ,it seems a sneaking kind of thing3 she has got none of it4 ,my sister makes excuses for me1 but the moment ,i begin to listen to them ,i only feel the more horrid4 ,i have said nothing of that kind to you4 ,no1 sir4 ,and yet you like to have me here8 ,yes1 indeed1 sir1 he answered1 earnestly4 ,and it does not make you think less of your crime8 ,no4 ,it makes me feel it worse than ever to see you sitting there1 a clean1 strong1 innocent man1 and think what ,i might have been4 ,then the comfort you get from me does you no harm1 at least4 ,if ,i were to find my company made you think with less hatred of your crime1 ,i should go away that instant4 ,thank you1 sir1 said ,leopold humbly4 ,oh1 sir6 he resumed after a little silence1 --to think that never more to all eternity shall ,i be able to think of myself as ,i used to think6 ,perhaps you used to think too much of yourself1 returned the curate4 ,for the greatest fool and rascal in creation there is yet a worse condition1 and that is--not to know it1 but think himself a respectable man4 ,as the event proves1 though you would doubtless have laughed at the idea1 you were then capable of committing a murder4 ,i have come to see--at least ,i think ,i have--that except a man has ,god dwelling in him1 he may be1 or may become1 capable of any crime within the compass of human nature4 ,i don't know anything about ,god1 said ,leopold4 ,i daresay ,i thought ,i did before this happened--before ,i did it1 ,i mean1 he added in correction1--but ,i know now that ,i don't1 and never did4 ,ah1 ,leopold6 said the curate1 think1 if my coming to you comforts you1 what would it be to have him who made you always with you6 ,where would be the good8 ,i daresay he might forgive me1 if ,i were to do this and that1 but where would be the good of it8 ,it would not take the thing off me one bit4 ,ah6 now1 said ,wingfold1 ,i fear you are thinking a little about your own disgrace and not only of the bad you have done4 ,why should you not be ashamed8 ,why would you have the shame taken off you8 ,nay2 you must humbly consent to bear it4 ,perhaps your shame is the hand of love washing the defilement from off you4 ,let us keep our shame1 and be made clean from the filth6 ,i don't know that ,i understand you1 sir4 ,what do you mean by the defilement8 ,is it not to have done the deed that is the defilement8 ,is it not rather to have that in you1 a part1 or all but a part of your being1 that makes you capable of doing it8 ,if you had resisted and conquered1 you would have been clean from it2 and now1 if you repent and ,god comes to you1 you will yet be clean4 ,again ,i say1 let us keep our shame and be made clean6 ,shame is not defilement1 though a mean pride persuades men so4 ,on the contrary1 the man who is honestly ashamed has begun to be clean4 ,but what good would that do to ,emmeline8 ,it cannot bring her up again to the bright world out of the dark grave4 ,emmeline is not in the dark grave4 ,where is she1 then8 he said with a ghastly look4 ,that ,i cannot tell4 ,i only know that1 if there be a ,god1 she is in his hands1 replied the curate4 ,the youth gazed on in his face and made no answer4 ,wingfold saw that he had been wrong in trying to comfort him with the thought of ,god dwelling in him4 ,how was such a poor passionate creature to take that for a comfort8 ,how was he to understand or prize the idea1 who had his spiritual nature so all undeveloped8 ,he would try another way4 ,shall ,i tell you what seems to me sometimes the only one thing ,i want to help me out of my difficulties8 ,yes1 please1 sir1 answered ,leopold1 as humbly as a child4 ,i think sometimes1 if ,i could but see ,jesus for one moment-- ,ah6 cried ,leopold1 and gave a great sigh4 ',,you would like to see him then1 would you8 ,oh1 ,mr4 ,wingfold6 ,what would you say to him if you saw him8 ,i don't know4 ,i would fall down on my face and hold his feet lest he should go away from me4 ,do you think then he could help you8 ,yes4 ,he could make ,emmeline alive again4 ,he could destroy what ,i have done4 ,but still1 as you say1 the crime would remain4 ,but1 as you say1 he could pardon that1 and make me that ,i would never never sin again4 ,so you think the story about ,jesus ,christ is true8 ,yes4 ,don't you8 said ,leopold with an amazed1 half-frightened look4 ,yes1 indeed ,i do4--,then do you remember what he said to his disciples as he left them3 ',i ,,am ,,with ,,you ,,always ,,unto ,,the ,,end ,,of ,,the ,,world'8--,if that be true1 then he can hear you just as well now as ever he could4 ,and when he was in the world1 he said1 ',,come ,,unto ,,me ,,all ,,ye ,,that ,,labour ,,and ,,are ,,heavy-,,laden1 ,,and ,i ,,will ,,give ,,you ,,rest4' ,it is rest you want1 my poor boy--not deliverance from danger or shame1 but rest--such peace of mind as you had when you were a child4 ,if he cannot give you that1 ,i know not where or how it is to be had4 ,do not waste time in asking yourself how he can do it3 that is for him to understand1 not you--until it is done4 ,ask him to forgive you and make you clean and set things right for you4 ,if he will not do it1 then he is not the saviour of men1 and was wrongly named ,jesus4 ,the curate rose4 ,leopold had hid his face4 ,when he looked again he was gone4 ,,chapter ,,xxvi4 ,,sleep4 ,as ,wingfold came out of the room1 which was near the stair1 ,helen rose from the top of it1 where she had been sitting all the time he had been with her brother4 ,he closed the door gently behind him1 and stepped softly along the landing4 ,a human soul in guilt and agony is an awful presence1 but there was more than that in the hush of the curate3 he felt as if he had left the physician of souls behind him at the bedside2 that a human being lay on the rack of the truth1 but at his head stood one who watched his throes with the throbs of such a human heart as never beat in any bosom but his own1 and the executioners were angels of light4 ,no wonder if with such a feeling in his breast ,wingfold walked softly1 and his face glistened6 ,he was not aware that the tears stood in his eyes1 but ,helen saw them4 ,you know all6 she faltered4 ,i do4 ,will you let me out by the garden again8 ,i wish to be alone4 ,she led the way down the stair1 and walked with him through the garden4 ,wingfold did not speak4 ,you don't think very badly of my poor brother1 do you1 ,mr4 ,wingfold8 said ,helen1 meekly4 ,it is a terrible fate1 he returned4 ,i think ,i never saw a lovelier disposition4 ,i do hope his mind will soon be more composed4 ,i think he knows where alone he can find rest4 ,i am well aware how foolish that of which ,i speak seems to some minds1 ,miss ,lingard2 but when a man is once overwhelmed in his own deeds1 when they have turned into spectres to mock at him1 when he loathes himself and turns with sickness from past1 present1 and future1 ,i know but one choice left1 and that is between the death your friend ,mr4 ,bascombe preaches1 and the life preached by ,jesus1 the crucified ,jew4 ,into the life ,i hope your brother will enter4 ,i am so glad you don't hate him4 ,hate him6 ,who but a demon could hate him8 ,helen lifted a grateful look from eyes that swam in tears4 ,the terror of his possible counsel for the moment vanished4 ,he could never tell him to give himself up6 ,but1 as ,i told you1 ,i am a poor scholar in these high matters1 resumed the curate1 and ,i want to bring ,mr4 ,polwarth to see him4 ,the dwarf6 exclaimed ,helen1 shuddering at the remembrance of what she had gone through at the cottage4 ,yes4 ,that man's soul is as grand and beautiful and patient as his body is insignificant and distorted and troubled4 ,he is the wisest and best man ,i have ever known4 ,i must ask ,leopold1 returned ,helen1 who1 the better the man was represented1 felt the more jealous and fearful of the advice he might give4 ,her love and her conscience were not yet at one with each other4 ,they parted at the door from the garden1 and she returned to the sick-room4 ,she paused1 hesitating to enter4 ,all was still as the grave4 ,she turned the handle softly and peeped in3 could it be that ,wingfold's bearing had communicated to her mind a shadow of the awe with which he had left the place where perhaps a soul was being born again8 ,leopold did not move4 ,terror laid hold of her heart4 ,she stepped quickly in1 and round the screen to the side of the bed4 ,there1 to her glad surprise1 he lay fast asleep1 with the tears not yet dried upon his face4 ,her heart swelled with some sense unknown before3 was it rudimentary thankfulness to the ,father of her spirit8 ,as she stood gazing with the look of a mother over her sick child1 he lifted his eyelids1 and smiled a sad smile4 ,when did you come into the room8 he said4 ,a minute ago1 she answered4 ,i did not hear you1 he returned4 ,no1 you were asleep4 ,not ,i6 ,mr4 ,wingfold is only just gone4 ,i have let him out on the meadow since4 ,leopold stared1 looked half alarmed1 and then said1 ,did ,god make me sleep1 ,helen8 ,she did not answer4 ,the light of a new hope in his eye1 as if the dawn had begun at last to break over the dark mountains1 was already reflected from her heart4 ,oh6 ,helen1 he said1 that ,,is a good fellow1 ,,such a good fellow6 ,a pang of jealousy1 the first she had ever felt1 shot to her heart3 she had hitherto1 since his trouble1 been all in all to her ,leopold6 ,had the curate been a man she liked1 she would not perhaps have minded it so much4 ,you will be able to do without me now1 she said sadly4 ,i never could understand taking to people at first sight6 ,some people are made so1 ,i suppose1 ,helen4 ,i know ,i took to you at first sight6 ,i shall never forget the first time ,i saw you--when ,i came to this country a lonely little foreigner1--and you1 a great beautiful lady1 for such you seemed to me1 though you have told me since you were only a great gawky girl--,i know that could never have been--you ran to meet me1 and took me in your arms1 and kissed me4 ,i was as if ,i had crossed the sea of death and found paradise in your bosom6 ,i am not likely to forget you for ,mr4 ,wingfold1 good and kind and strong as he is6 ,even ,,she could not make me forget you1 ,helen4 ,but neither you nor ,i can do without ,mr4 ,wingfold any more1 ,i fancy4 ,i wish you liked him better6--but you will in time4 ,you see he's not one to pay young ladies compliments1 as ,i have heard some parsons do2 and he may be a little--no1 not unpolished1 not that--that's not what ,i mean--but unornamental in his manners6 ,only1 you see1-- ,only1 you see1 ,poldie1 interrupted ,helen1 with a smile1 a rare thing between them1 you know all about him1 though you never saw him before4 ,that is true1 returned ,leopold2 but then he came to me with his door open1 and let me walk in4 ,it doesn't take long to know a man then4 ,he hasn't got a secret like us1 ,helen1 he added1 sadly4 ,what did he say to you8 ,much what he said to you from the pulpit the other day1 ,i should think4 ,then she was right6 ,for all his hardness and want of sympathy1 the curate had yet had regard to her entreaties1 and was not going to put any horrid notions about duty and self-sacrifice into the poor boy's head6 ,he's coming again to-morrow1 added ,leopold1 almost gleefully1 and then perhaps he will tell me more1 and help me on a bit6 ,did he tell you he wants to bring a friend with him8 ,no4 ,i can't see the good of taking more people into our confidence4 ,why should he not do what he thinks best1 ,helen8 ,you don't interfere with the doctor--why should you with him8 ,when a man is going to the bottom as fast as he can1 and another comes diving after him--it isn't for me to say how he is to take hold of me4 ,no1 ,helen2 when ,i trust1 ,i trust out and out4 ,helen sighed1 thinking how ill that had worked with ,emmeline4 ,ever since ,george ,bascombe had talked about the ,polwarths that day they met him in the park1 she had felt a sort of physical horror of them1 as if they were some kind of unclean creature that ought not to be in existence at all4 ,but when ,leopold uttered himself thus1 she felt that the current of events had seized her1 and that she could only submit to be carried along4 ,,chapter ,,xxvii4 ,,divine ,,service4 ,the next day the curate called again on ,leopold4 ,but ,helen happened to be otherwise engaged for a few minutes1 and ,mrs4 ,ramshorn to be in the sick-room when the servant brought his name4 ,with her jealousy of ,wingfold's teaching1 she would not have admitted him1 but ,lingard made such loud protest when he heard her say ,not at home1 insisting on seeing him1 that she had to give way1 and tell the maid to show him up4 ,she ,,had ,,no ,,notion however of leaving him alone in the room with the invalid3 who could tell what absurd and extravagant ideas he might not put into the boy's head6 ,he might make him turn monk1 or ,socinian1 or latter-day-saint1 for what she knew6 ,so she sat1 blocking up the sole small window in the youth's dark dwelling that looked eastward1 and damming back the tide of the dawn from his diseased and tormented soul4 ,little conversation was therefore possible4 ,still the face of his new friend was a comfort to ,leopold1 and ere he left him they had managed to fix an hour for next day1 when they would not be thus foiled of their talk4 ,that same afternoon1 ,wingfold took the draper to see ,polwarth4 ,rachel was lying on the sofa in the parlour--a poor little heap1 looking more like a grave disturbed by efforts at a resurrection1 than a form informed with humanity4 ,but she was cheerful and cordial1 receiving ,mr4 ,drew and accepted his sympathy most kindly4 ,we'll see what ,god will do for me1 she said in answer to a word from the curate4 ,her whole bearing1 now as always1 was that of one who perfectly trusted a supreme spirit under whose influences lay even the rugged material of her deformed dwelling4 ,polwarth allowed ,wingfold to help him in getting tea1 and the conversation1 as will be the case where all are in earnest1 quickly found the right channel4 ,it is not often in real life that such conversations occur4 ,generally1 in any talk worth calling conversation1 every man has some point to maintain1 and his object is to justify his own thesis and disprove his neighbour's4 ,i will allow that he may primarily have adopted his thesis because of some sign of truth in it1 but his mode of supporting it is generally such as to block up every cranny in his soul at which more truth might enter4 ,in the present case1 unusual as it is for so many as three truth-loving men to come thus together on the face of this planet1 here were three simply set on uttering truth they had seen1 and gaining sight of truth as yet veiled from them4 ,i shall attempt only a general impression of the result of their evening's intercourse1 partly recording the utterances of ,polwarth4 ,i have been trying hard to follow you1 ,mr4 ,polwarth1 said the draper1 after his host had for a while had the talk to himself1 but ,i cannot get a hold of your remarks4 ,one moment ,i think ,i have got the end of the clew1 and the next find myself all abroad again4 ,would you tell me what you mean by divine service1 for ,i think you must use the phrase in some different sense from what ,i have been accustomed to8 ,ah6 ,i ought to remember1 said ,polwarth1 that what has grown familiar to my mind from much solitary thinking1 may not at once show itself to another1 when presented in the forms of a foreign individuality4 ,i ought to have premised that1 when ,i use the phrase1 ,,divine ,,service1 ,i mean nothing whatever belonging to the church1 or its observances4 ,i mean by it what it ought to mean--the serving of ,god--the doing of something for ,god4 ,shall ,i make of the church in my foolish imaginations a temple of idolatrous worship by supposing that it is for the sake of supplying some need that ,god has1 or of gratifying some taste in him1 that ,i there listen to his word1 say prayers to him1 and sing his praises8 ,shall ,i be such a dull mule in the presence of the living ,truth8 ,or1 to use a homely simile1 shall ,i be as the good boy of the nursery rhyme1 who1 seated in his corner of selfish complacency1 regards the eating of his pie as a virtuous action1 enjoys the contemplation of it1 and thinks what a pleasant object he thus makes of himself to his parents8 ,shall ,i1 to take a step farther1 degrade the sanctity of the closet1 hallowed in the words of ,jesus1 by shutting its door in the vain fancy of there doing something that ,god requires of me as a sacred ,,observance8 ,shall ,i foolishly imagine that to put in exercise the highest and loveliest1 the most entrancing privilege of existence1 that of pouring forth my whole heart into the heart of him who is ,,accountable ,,for me1 who hath glorified me with his own image--in my soul1 gentlemen1 sadly disfigured as it is in my body6--shall ,i say that ,,that is to do anything for ,god8 ,was ,i serving my father when ,i ate the dinner he provided for me8 ,am ,i serving my ,god when ,i eat his bread and drink his wine8 ,but1 said ,drew1 is not ,god pleased that a man should pour out his soul to him8 ,yes1 doubtless2 but what would you think of a child who said1 ',i am very useful to my father1 for when ,i ask him for anything1 or tell him ,i love him1 it gives him--oh1 such pleasure6'8 ,i should say he was an unendurable prig4 ,better he had to be whipped for stealing6 said the curate4 ,there would be more hope of his future1 returned ,polwarth4 --,is the child1 he continued1 who sits by his father's knee and looks up into his father's face1 ,,serving that father1 because the heart of the father delights to look down upon his child8 ,and shall the moment of my deepest repose and bliss1 the moment when ,i serve myself with the very life of the universe1 be called a serving of my ,god8 ,it is communion with ,god2 he holds it with me1 else never could ,i hold it with him4 ,i am as the foam-froth upon his infinite ocean1 but of the water of the ocean is the bubble on its waves4 ,not the eyes only1 but the whole face of the man1 which had grown of a pure1 semi-transparent whiteness1 appeared to ,wingfold to emit light4 ,when my child would serve me1 he went on1 he spies out some need ,i have1 springs from his seat at my knee1 finds that which will meet my necessity1 and is my eager1 happy servant1 of consequence in his own eyes inasmuch as he has done something for his father4 ,his seat by my knee is love1 delight1 well-being1 peace--not service1 however pleasing in my eyes4--',why do you seat yourself at my knee1 my son8' ',to please you1 father4' ',nay then1 my son6 go from me1 and come again when it shall be to please thyself4'--',why do you cling to my chair1 my daughter8 ',because ,i want to be near you1 father4 ,it makes me so happy6' ',come nearer still--come to my bosom1 my child1 and be yet happier4'--,talk not of public worship as divine service2 it is a mockery4 ,search the prophets and you will find the observances1 fasts and sacrifices and solemn feasts1 of the temple by them regarded with loathing and scorn1 just because by the people they were regarded as ,,divine ,,service4 ,but1 said ,mr4 ,drew1 while ,wingfold turned towards him with some anxiety lest he should break the mood of the little prophet1 ,i can't help thinking ,i have you6 for how are poor creatures like us--weak1 blundering creatures1 sometimes most awkward when best-intentioned--how are we to minister to a perfect ,god--perfect in wisdom1 strength1 and everything--of whom ,paul says that he is not worshipped with men's hands as though he needed anything8 ,i cannot help thinking that you are fighting merely with a word4 ,certainly1 if the phrase ever was used in that sense1 there is no meaning of the kind attached to it now3 it stands merely for the forms of public worship4 ,were there no such thing as ,divine ,service in the true sense of the word1 then1 indeed it would scarcely be worth while to quarrel with its misapplication4 ,but ,i assert that true and genuine service may be rendered to the living ,god2 and1 for the development of the divine nature in man1 it is necessary that he should do something for ,god4 ,nor is it hard to discover how2 for ,god is in every creature that he has made1 and in their needs he is needy1 and in all their afflictions he is afflicted4 ,therefore ,jesus says that whatever is done to one of his little ones is done to him4 ,and if the soul of a man be the temple of the ,spirit1 then is the place of that man's labour1 his shop1 his counting-house1 his laboratory1 the temple of ,jesus ,christ1 where the spirit of the man is incarnate in work4--,mr4 ,drew6--,here the gate-keeper stood up1 and held out both his hands1 palms upward1 towards the draper on the other side of the table4--,mr4 ,drew6 your shop is the temple of your service where the ,lord ,christ1 the only image of the ,father is1 or ought to be throned2 your counter is1 or ought to be his altar2 and everything thereon laid1 with intent of doing as well as you can for your neighbour1 in the name of ,,the man ,christ ,jesus1 is a true sacrifice offered to ,him1 a service done to the eternal creating ,love of the universe4 ,the little prophet's head as he stood1 did not reach the level of the draper's as he sat1 but at this ,drew dropped his head on his hands upon the table1 as if bowed down by a weight of thought and feeling and worship4 ,i say not1 ,polwarth went on1 that so doing you will grow a rich man1 but ,i say that so doing you will be saved from growing too rich1 and that you will be a fellow-worker with ,god for the salvation of his world4 ,i must live2 ,i cannot give my goods away6 murmured ,mr4 ,drew1 thinkingly1 as one that sought enlightenment4 ,that would be to go direct against the order of his world1 said ,polwarth4 ,no2 a harder task is yours1 ,mr4 ,drew--to make your business a gain to you1 and at the same time to be not only what is commonly counted just1 but interested in1 and careful of1 and caring for your neighbour1 as a servant of the ,god of bounty who giveth to all men liberally4 ,your calling is to do the best for your neighbour that you reasonably can4 ,but who is to fix what is reasonable8 asked ,drew4 ,the man himself1 thinking in the presence of ,jesus ,christ4 ,there is a holy moderation which is of ,god4 ,there won't be many fortunes--great fortunes--made after that rule1 ,mr4 ,polwarth4 ,very few4 ,then do you say that no great fortunes have been righteously made8 ,if ,,righteously means ,,after ,,the ,,fashion ,,of ,,jesus ,,christ4--,but ,i will not judge3 that is for the ,god-enlightened conscience of the man himself to do--not for his neighbour's4 ,why should ,i be judged by another man's conscience8--,but you see1 ,mr4 ,drew1--and this is what ,i was driving at--that you have it in your power to ,,serve ,god1 through the needs of his children1 all the working day1 from morning to night1 so long as there is a customer in your shop4 ,i do think you are right1 sir1 said the linen-draper4 ,i had a glimpse of the same thing the other night myself4 ,and yet it seems as if you spoke of a purely ideal state--one that could not be realised in this world4 ,purely ideal or not1 one thing is certain3 it will never be reached by one who is so indifferent to it as to believe it impossible4 ,whether it may be reached in this world or not1 that is a question of ,,no consequence2 whether a man has begun to ,,reach ,,after it1 is of the utmost awfulness of import4 ,and should it be ideal1 which ,i doubt1 what else than the ideal have the followers of the ideal man to do with8 ,can a man reach anything ideal before he has ,god dwelling in him--filling every cranny of his soul8 asked the curate with shining eyes4 ,nothing1 ,i do most solemnly believe1 answered ,polwarth4 ,it weighs on me heavily sometimes1 he resumed1 after a pause1 to think how far all but a few are from being able even to entertain the idea of the indwelling in them of the original power of their life4 ,true1 ,god is in every man1 else how could he live the life he does live8 but that life ,god keeps alive for the hour when he shall inform the will1 the aspiration1 the imagination of the man4 ,when the man throws wide his door to the ,father of his spirit1 when his individual being is thus supplemented--to use a poor miserable word--with the individuality that originated it1 then is the man a whole1 healthy1 complete existence4 ,then indeed1 and then only1 will he do no wrong1 think no wrong1 love perfectly1 and be right merry4 ,then will he scarce think of praying1 because ,god is in every thought and enters anew with every sensation4 ,then will he forgive1 and endure1 and pour out his soul for the beloved who yet grope their way in doubt and passion4 ,then every man will be dear and precious to him1 even the worst1 for in him also lies an unknown yearning after the same peace wherein he rests and loves4 ,he sat down suddenly1 and a deep silence filled the room4 ,,chapter ,,xxviii4 ,a ,,shop ,,in ,,heaven4 ,uncle1 said ,rachel1 may ,i read your visions of the shops in heaven8 ,oh no1 ,rachel4 ,you are not able to read to-night1 said her uncle deprecatingly4 ,i think ,i am1 uncle4 ,i should like to try4 ,it will let the gentlemen see what you ,,would think an ideal state of things4--,it is something1 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 my uncle once dictated to me1 and ,i wrote down just as he said it4 ,he can always do better dictating than writing1 but this time he was so ill with asthma that he could not talk much faster than ,i could write2 and yet to be so ill ,i never saw him show so little suffering2 his thinking seemed to make him forget it4--,mayn't ,i read it1 uncle8 ,i know the gentlemen would like to hear it4 ,that we should1 said both men at once4 ,i will fetch it you then1 said ,polwarth1 if you will tell me where to find it4 ,rachel gave him the needful directions1 and presently he brought a few sheets of paper1 and handed them to her4 ,this is no dream1 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 he said4 ,it is something ,i thought fairly out before ,i began to dictate it4 ,but the only fit form ,i could find for it was that of a vision--like the ,vision of ,mirza1 you know4--,now read1 ,rachel1 and ,i will hold my tongue4 ,after a little arranging of the sheets1 ,rachel began4 ,she read not without difficulty1 but her pleasure in what she read helped her through4 ',and now1 said my guide to me1 ,i will bring thee to a city of the righteous1 and show thee how they buy and sell in this the kingdom of heaven4 ,so we journeyed a day and another day and half a day1 and ,i was weary ere we arrived thither4 ,but when ,i saw the loveliness of the place1 and drew in the healing air thereof1 my weariness vanished as a dream of the night1 and ,i said1 ,,it ,,is ,,well4--,i may not now speak of the houses and the dress and the customs of the dwellers therein1 save what may belong to the buying and selling of which ,i have spoken4 ,gladly would ,i tell of the streams that went1 some noiselessly gliding1 others gurgling1 some sweeping1 some rushing and roaring1 through every street1 all issuing from one right plenteous fountain in the middle of the city1 so that the ear was for ever filled with the sound of many waters all the day1 ceasing when the night came1 that silence might have its perfect work upon the soul4 ,gladly too would ,i tell of the trees and flowers and grass that grew in every street along the banks of the rivers4 ,but ,i must withhold4 ',after ,i had1 ,i know not for how long1 refreshed my soul with what it was thus given1 me to enjoy1--for in all that country there is no such thing as haste1 no darting from one thing to another1 but a calm eternal progress in which unto the day the good thereof is sufficient--one great noon-day1 my conductor led me into a large place1 such as we would call a shop here1 although the arrangements were different1 and an air of stateliness dwelt in and around the house4 ,it was filled with the loveliest silken and woollen stuffs1 of all kinds and colours1 a thousand delights to the eye--and to the thought also1 for here was endless harmony1 and no discord4 ',i stood in the midst1 and my guide stood by me in silence2 for all the time ,i was in the country1 he seldom spoke to me save when first ,i asked of him1 and yet he never showed any weariness1 and often a half-smile would dwell for a moment upon his countenance4 ',and first ,i watched the faces of them that sold2 and ,i could read therein--for be it understood that1 according to the degree of his own capacity1 a man there could perfectly read the countenance of every neighbour1 that is1 unless it expressed something that was not in himself--and ,i could read in them nothing of eagerness1 only the calm of a concentrated ministration4 ,there was no seeking there1 but a strength of giving1 a business-like earnestness to supply lack1 enlivened by no haste1 and dulled by no weariness1 brightened ever by the reflected content of those who found their wants supplied4 ,as soon as one buyer was contented they turned graciously to another1 and gave ear until they perfectly understood with what object he had come to seek their aid4 ,nor did their countenances change utterly as they turned away1 for upon them lingered the satisfaction as of one who hath had a success1 and by degrees melted into the supervening content4 ',then ,i turned to watch the countenances of them that bought4--,and there in like manner ,i saw no cupidity and no meanness4 ,they spake humbly1 yet not because they sought a favour1 but because they were humble1 for with their humility was mingled the confidence of receiving that they sought4 ,and truly it was a pleasure to see how everyone knew what his desire was1 making his choice readily and with decision4 ,i perceived also that everyone spoke not merely respectfully1 but gratefully1 to him who served him4 ,and at meeting and parting such kindly though brief greetings passed as made me wonder whether every inhabitant of such a mighty city could know every other that dwelt therein4 ,but ,i soon saw that it came not of individual knowledge1 but of universal faith and all-embracing love4 ',and as ,i stood and watched1 suddenly it came into my mind that ,i had never yet seen the coin of the country1 and thereupon ,i kept my eyes upon a certain woman who bought silk1 that when she paid for the same ,i might see the money4 ,but that which she had largely bought she took in her arms and carried away1 and paid not4 ,therefore ,i turned to watch another1 who bought for a long journey1 but when he carried away that he bought1 neither did he pay any money4 ,and ,i said to myself1 ,these are well-known persons1 to whom it is more convenient to pay all at a certain season2 and ,i turned to a third who bought much fine linen4 ,but behold6 he paid not4 ,then ,i began to observe again those that sold2 whereupon ,i thought with myself1 ,how good must be the air of this land for the remembrance of things6 for these men write down nothing to keep on record the moneys men owe them on all sides4 ,and ,i looked and looked again and yet again1 and stood long watching--but so it was throughout the whole place1 which thronged and buzzed and swarmed like the busiest of bee-hives--no man paid1 and no man had a book wherein to write that which the other owed6 ',then ,i turned to my guide and said3 ,how lovely is honesty6 and truly from what a labour it absolveth men6 for here ,i see every man keepeth in his mind his own debts1 and not the debts of others1 so that time is not spent in paying of small sums1 neither in the keeping of account of such2 but he that buyeth counteth up1 and doubtless when the day of reckoning arrives1 each cometh and casteth the money he oweth into the merchant's coffer1 and both are satisfied4 ',then my conductor smiled1 and said1 ,watch yet a while4 ',and ,i did as he said unto me1 and stood and watched4 ,but the same thing went on everywhere2 and ,i said to myself1 ,lo1 ,i see nothing new6--,suddenly1 at my side1 a man dropped upon his knees1 and bowed his head to the ground4 ,and those that stood nigh him dropped also upon their knees1 and there arose a sound as of soft thunder2 and lo6 everyone in the place had dropped upon his knees1 and spread his hands out before him4 ,every voice and every noise was hushed1 every movement had ceased1 and ,i and my guide alone were left standing4 ',then ,i whispered in his ear1 ,it is the hour of prayer3 shall we not kneel also8 ,and my guide answered1 ,no man in this city kneeleth because others do1 and no man is judged if he kneeleth not4 ,if thou hast any grief or pain upon thee1 then kneel2 if not1 then love ,god in thy heart and be thankful1 and kneel when thou goest into thy chamber4 ,then said ,i1 ,i will not kneel1 but will watch and see4--,it is well1 said my guide2 and ,i stood4 ',for certain moments all was utter stillness--every man and woman kneeling1 with hands outstretched1 save him who had first kneeled1 and his hands hung by his sides and his head was still bowed to the earth4 ,at length he rose up1 and lo6 his face was wet with tears2 and all the people rose also1 and with a noise throughout the place2 and the man made a low obeisance to them that were nigh him1 the which they returned with equal reverence1 and then with downcast eyes he walked slowly from the shop4 ,the moment he was gone1 the business of the place1 without a word of remark on any side concerning what had passed1 began again and went on as before4 ,people came and went1 some more eager and outward1 some more staid and inward1 but all contented and cheerful4 ,at length a bell somewhere rang sweet and shrill1 and after that no one entered the place1 and what was in progress began to be led to a decorous conclusion4 ,in three or four minutes the floor was empty1 and the people also of the shop had gone1 each about his own affairs1 without shutting door or window4 ',i went out last with my guide1 and we seated ourselves under a tree of the willow-kind on the bank of one of the quieter streams1 and straightway ,i began to question him4 ,tell me1 sir1 ,i said1 the purport of what ,i have seen1 for not yet have ,i understood how these happy people do their business and pass from hand to hand not a single coin ,i ,and he answered1 ,where greed and ambition and self-love rule1 money must be3 where there is neither greed nor ambition nor self-love1 money is needless4 ,and ,i asked1 ,is it then by the same ancient mode of barter that they go about their affairs8 ,truly ,i saw no exchange of any sort4--,bethink thee1 said my guide1 if thou hadst gone into any other shop throughout the whole city1 thou wouldst have seen the same thing4 ,i see not how that should make the matter plainer to me1 ,i answered4--,where neither greed nor ambition nor selfishness reigneth1 said my guide1 there need and desire have free scope1 for they work no evil4--,but even now ,i understand you not1 sir1 ,i said4--,hear me then1 answered my guide1 for ,i will speak to thee more plainly4 ,wherefore do men take money in their hands when they go where things are8--,because they may not have the things without giving the money4--,and where they may have things without giving money1 there they take no money in their hands8--,truly no1 sir1 if there be such a place4--,then such a place is this1 and so is it here4--,but how can men give of their goods and receive nought in return8--,by receiving everything in return4 ,tell me1 said my guide1 why do men take money for their goods8--,that they may have wherewithal to go and buy other things which they need for themselves4--,but if they also may go to this place or that place where the things are the which they need1 and receive of those things without money and without price1 is there then good cause why they should take money in their hands8--,truly no1 ,i answered2 and ,i begin1 methinks1 to see how the affair goeth4 ,yet are there some things still whereupon ,i would gladly be resolved4 ,and first of all1 how cometh it that men are moved to provide these and those goods for the supply of the wants of their neighbours1 when they are drawn thereto by no want in themselves1 and no advantage to themselves8--,thou reasonest1 said my guide1 as one of thine own degree1 who to the eyes of the full-born ever look like chrysalids1 closed round in a web of their own weaving2 and who shall blame thee until thou thyself shinest within thyself8 ,understand that it is never advantage to himself that moveth a man in this kingdom to undertake this or that4 ,the thing that alone advantageth a man here is the thing which he doth without thought unto that advantage4 ,to your world1 this world goeth by contraries4 ,the man here that doeth most service1 that aideth others the most to the obtaining of their honest desires1 is the man who standeth highest with the ,lord of the place1 and his reward and honour is1 to be enabled to the spending of himself yet more for the good of his fellows4 ,there goeth a rumour amongst us even now that one shall ere long be ripe for the carrying of a message from the ,king to the spirits that are in prison4 ,thinkest thou it is a less potent stirring up of thought and energy to desire and seek and find the things that will please the eye1 and cheer the brain1 and gladden the heart of the people of this great city1 so that when one prayeth1 ',give me1 friend1 of thy loaves1' a man may answer1 ',take of them1 friend1 as many as thou needest'--is that1 ,i say1 an incentive to diligence less potent than the desire to hoard or to excel8 ,is it not to share the bliss of ,god who hoardeth nothing1 but ever giveth liberally8 ,the joy of a man here is to enable another to lay hold upon that which is of his own kind and be glad and grow thereby--doctrine strange and unbelievable to the man in whom the well of life is yet sealed4 ,never have they been many at a time in the old world who could thus enter into the joy of their ,lord4 ,and yet1 if thou bethink thee1 thou wilt perceive that such bliss is not unknown amongst thy fellows4 ,knowest thou no musician who would find it joy enough for a night1 to scale the tower of a hundred bells1 and send the great meteors of music-light flying over the care-tortured city8 ,would everyone even of thy half-created race reason with himself and say3 ,truly it is in the night1 and no one can see who it is that ministereth2 the sounds alone will go forth nor bear my image2 ,i shall reap no honour2 ,i will not rise and go8 ,thou knowest1 ,i say1 some in thy world who would not speak thus in their hearts1 but would willingly consent to be as nothing1 so to give life to their fellows4 ,in this city so is it with all--in shop or workshop1 in study or theatre1 all seek to spend and be spent for the lovely all4 --,and ,i said1 ,one thing tell me1 sir--how much a man may have for the asking4--,what he will--that is1 what he can well use4--,who then shall be the judge thereof8--,who but the man himself8--,what if he should turn to greed1 and begin to hoard and spare8--,sawest thou not the man this day because of whom all business ceased for a time8--to that man had come a thought of accumulation instead of growth1 and he dropped upon his knees in shame and terror4 ,and thou sawest how all business ceased1 and straightway that of the shop was made what below they call a church2 for everyone hastened to the poor man's help1 the air was filled with praying breath1 and the atmosphere of ,god-loving souls was around him2 the foul thought fled1 and the man went forth glad and humble1 and to-morrow he will return for that which he needeth4 ,if thou shouldst be present then1 thou wilt see him more tenderly ministered unto than all the rest4--,and if such a man prayed not8--,if such a man slept ere he repented1 he would wake with hatred in his heart towards the city and everyone therein1 and would straightway flee into the wilderness4 ,and the angel of the ,lord would go out after him1 and smite him with a word1 and he would vanish from amongst us1 and his life would be the life of one of those least of living things that are in your world born of the water2 and there must he grow up again1 crawling through the channels of thousand-folded difference1 from animal to animal1 until at length a human brain be given him1 and after generations he become once again capable of being born of the spirit into the kingdom of liberty4 ,then shall all his past life open upon him1 and in shame and dismay will he repent a thousand-fold1 and will sin no more4 ,such1 at least1 are thoughts of our wise men upon the matter2 but truly we know not4--,it is good1 ,i said4 ,but how are men guided as to what lies to them to provide for the general good8--,every man doeth what thing he can1 and the more his labour is desired1 the more he rejoices4--,if a man should desire that he could no where find in the city8--,then would he straightway do his endeavour to provide that thing for all in the city who might after him desire the same4--,now1 sir1 methinks ,i know and understand1 ,i answered4 ,and we rose and went farther4' ,i think that ,,could be6 said the curate1 breaking the silence that followed when ,rachel ceased4 ,not in this world1 said the draper4 ,to doubt that it ,,could be1 said the gatekeeper1 would be to doubt whether the kingdom of heaven is a chimera or a divine idea4 ,,chapter ,,xxix4 ,,polwarth ,,and ,,lingard4 ,the morning after ,wingfold's second visit1 ,lingard1 much to his sister's surprise1 partly to her pleasure1 and somewhat to her consternation1 asked for his clothes3 he wanted to get up4 ,so little energy had he hitherto shown1 so weak was he1 and so frequent had been the symptoms of returning fever1 that the doctor had not yet thought of advising more than an hour's sitting while his bed was made comfortable4 ,and ,helen had felt that she had him1 if not safe1 yet safer in bed than he could be elsewhere4 ,his wish to rise was a sign that he was getting better4 ,but could she wish him to get better1 seeing every hour threatened to be an hour of torture8 ,on the other hand1 she could not but hope that1 for the last day or so1 his mind had been a little more at ease4 ,assuredly the light in his eye was less troubled3 perhaps he saw prospect of such mental quiet as might render life endurable4 ,he declined assistance1 and ,helen1 having got him everything he required1 left the room to wait within hearing4 ,it took him a long time to dress1 but he had resolved to do it himself1 and at length called ,helen4 ,she found he looked worse in his clothes--fearfully worn and white6 ,ah1 what a sad ghost he was of his former sunny self6 ,helen turned her eyes from him1 that he might not see how changed she thought him1 and there were the trees in the garden and the meadows and the park beyond1 bathing in the strength of the sun1 betwixt the blue sky and the green earth6 ,what a hideous world it is6 she said to herself4 ,she was not yet persuaded1 like her cousin1 that it was the best possible world--only that1 unfortunately1 not much was possible in worlds4 ,will you get me something1 ,helen1 he said4 ,mr4 ,wingfold will be here1 and ,i want to be able to talk to him4 ,it was the first time he had asked for food1 though he had seldom refused to take what she brought him4 ,she made him lie on the couch1 and gave orders that1 if ,mr4 ,wingfold called1 he should be shown up at once4 ,leopold's face brightened2 he actually looked pleased when his soup came4 ,when ,wingfold was announced1 he grew for a moment radiant4 ,helen received the curate respectfully1 but not very cordially3 ,,she could not make ,leopold's face shine6 ,would your brother like to see ,mr4 ,polwarth8 asked the curate rather abruptly4 ,i will see anyone you would like me to see4 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 answered ,liugard for himself1 with a decision that clearly indicated returning strength4 ,but1 ,leopold1 you know it is hardly to be desired1 suggested ,helen1 that more persons-- ,i don't know that1 interrupted ,leopold with strange expression4 ,perhaps ,i had better tell you1 ,miss ,lingard1 said the curate1 that it was ,mr4 ,polwarth who found the thing ,i gave you4 ,after your visit1 he could not fail to put things together1 and had he been a common man1 ,i should have judged it prudent to tell him for the sake of secrecy what ,i have told him for the sake of counsel4 ,i repeat in your brother's hearing what ,i have said to you1 that he is the wisest and best man ,i have ever known4--,i left him in the meadow at the foot of the garden4 ,he is suffering to-day1 and ,i wanted to save him the longer walk4 ,if you will allow me1 ,i will go and bring him in4 ,do1 said ,leopold4 ,think1 ,helen6--,if he is the wisest and best man ,mr4 ,wingfold ever knew6 ,tell him where to find the key4 ,i will go myself1 she said--with a yielding to the inevitable4 ,when she opened the door1 there was the little man seated a few yards off on the grass4 ,he had plucked a cowslip and was looking into it so intently that he neither heard nor saw her4 ,mr4 ,polwarth6 said ,helen4 ,he lifted his eyes1 rose1 and taking off his hat1 said with a smile1 ,i was looking in the cowslip for the spots which the fairy1 in the ,midsummer ,night's ,dream1 calls 'rubies4'--,how is your brother1 ,miss ,lingard8 ,helen answered with cold politeness1 and led the way up the garden with considerably more stateliness of demeanour than was necessary4 ,when he followed her into the room1 ,this is ,mr4 ,polwarth1 ,leopold1 said the curate1 rising respectfully4 ,you may speak to him as freely as to me1 and he is far more able to give you counsel than ,i am4 ,would you mind shaking hands with me1 ,mr4 ,polwarth8 said ,leopold1 holding out his shadowy hand4 ,polwarth took it with the kindest of smiles1 and held it a moment in his4 ,you think me an odd-looking creature--don't you8 he said2 but just because ,god made me so1 ,i have been compelled to think about things ,i might otherwise have forgotten1 and that is why ,mr4 ,wingfold would have me come to see you4 ,the curate placed a chair for him1 and the gate-keeper sat down4 ,helen seated herself a little way off in the window1 pretending1 or hardly more1 to hem a handkerchief4 ,leopold's big eyes went wandering from one to the other of the two men4 ,what a horrible world it is6 was the thought that kept humming on like an evil insect in ,helen's heart4 ,i am sorry to see you suffer so much1 said ,leopold kindly1 for he heard the laboured breath of the little man1 and saw the heaving of his chest4 ,it does not greatly trouble me1 returned ,polwarth4 ,it is not my fault1 you see1 he added with a smile2 at least ,i don't think it is4 ,you are happy to suffer without fault1 said ,leopold4 ,it is because it is just that my punishment seems greater than ,i can bear4 ,you need ,god's forgiveness in your soul4 ,i don't see how that should do anything for me4 ,i do not mean it would take away your suffering2 but it would make you able to bear it4 ,it would be fresh life in you4 ,i can't see why it should4 ,i can't feel that ,i have wronged ,god4 ,i have been trying to feel it1 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 ever since you talked to me4 ,but ,i don't know ,god1 and ,i only feel what ,i have done to ,emmeline4 ,if ,i said to ,god1 ',pardon me1' and he said to me1 ',i do pardon you1' ,i should feel just the same4 ,what could that do to set anything right that ,i have set wrong8 ,i am what ,i am1 and what ,i ever shall be1 and the injury which came from me1 cleaves fast to her1 and is my wrong wherever she is4 ,he hid his face in his hands4 ,what use ,,can it be to torture the poor boy so8 said ,helen to herself4 ,the two men sat silent4 ,then ,polwarth said3 ,i doubt if there is any use in trying to feel4 ,and no amount of trying could enable you to imagine what ,god's forgiveness is like to those that have it in them4 ,tell me something more you do feel1 ,mr4 ,lingard4 ,i feel that ,i could kill myself to bring her back to life4 ,that is1 you would gladly make amends for the wrong you have done her4 ,i would give my life1 my soul1 to do it4 ,and there is nothing you can do for it8 ,helen began to tremble4 ,what is there that can be done8 answered ,leopold4 ,it does seem hard that a man should be made capable of doing things that he is not made capable of undoing again4 ,it is indeed a terrible thought6 ,and even the smallest wrong is1 perhaps1 too awful a thing for created being ever to set right again4 ,you mean it takes ,god to do that8 ,i do4 ,i don't see how he ever could set some things right4 ,he would not be ,god if he could not or would not do for his creature what that creature cannot do for himself1 and must have done for him or lose his life4 ,then he isn't ,god1 for he can't help me4 ,because you don't see what can be done1 you say ,god can do nothing--which is as much as to say there cannot be more within his scope than there is within yours6 ,one thing is clear1 that1 if he saw no more than what lies within your ken1 he could not be ,god4 ,the very impossibility you see in the thing points to the region wherein ,god works4 ,i don't quite understand you4 ,but it doesn't matter4 ,it's all a horrible mess4 ,i wish ,i was dead4 ,my dear sir1 is it reasonable that because a being so capable of going wrong finds himself incapable of setting right1 he should judge it useless to cry to that being who called him into being to come to his aid8--and that in the face of the story--if it were but an old legend1 worn and disfigured--that he took upon himself our sins8 ,leopold hung his head4 ,god needs no making up to him1 the gate-keeper went on--so far from it that he takes our sins on himself1 that he may clear them out of the universe4 ,how could he say he took our sins upon him1 if he could not make amends for them to those they had hurt8 ,ah6 cried ,leopold1 with a profound sigh1 --if that could be6--if he could really do that6 ,why1 of course he can do that6 said ,polwarth4 ,what sort of watchmaker were he who could not set right the watches and clocks himself made8 ,but the hearts of men and women6 ,which ,god does far more than make6 interposed ,polwarth4 ,that a being able to make another self-conscious being distinct from himself1 should be able also to set right whatever that being could set wrong1 seems to me to follow of simple necessity4 ,he might even1 should that be fit1 put the man himself in the way of making up for what he had done1 or at least put it in his power to ask and receive a forgiveness that would set all right between him and the person wronged4 ,one of the painful things in the dogma of the endless loss of the wicked is that it leaves no room for the righteous to make up to them for the wrongs they did them in this life4 ,for the righteous do the wicked far more wrong than they think--the righteous being all the time1 in reality1 the wealthy1 and the wicked the poor4 ,but it is a blessed word that there are first that shall be last1 and last that shall be first4 ,helen stared4 ,this last sounded to her mere raving madness1 and she thought how wrong she had been to allow such fanatics to gain power over her poor ,leopold--who sat before them whiter than ever1 and with what she took for a wilder gleam in his eye4 ,is there not the might of love1 and all eternity for it to work in1 to set things right8 ended ,polwarth4 ,o ,god6 cried ,leopold1 if that might be true6 ,that would be a gift indeed--the power to make up for the wrong ,i have done6 ,he rose from the couch--slowly1 sedately1 ,i had almost said formally1 like one with a settled object1 and stood erect1 swaying a little from weakness4 ,mr4 ,wingfold1 he said1 ,i want of you one more favour3 will you take me to the nearest magistrate8 ,i wish to give myself up4 ,helen started up and came forward1 paler than the sick man4 ,mr4 ,wingfold6 ,mr4 ,polwarth6 she said1 and turned from the one to the other1 the boy is not himself4 ,you will never allow him to do such a mad thing6 ,it may be the right thing1 said the curate to ,leopold1 but we must not act without consideration4 ,i have considered and considered it for days--for weeks1 returned ,leopold2 but until this moment ,i never had the courage to resolve on the plainest of duties4--,helen1 if ,i were to go up to the throne of ,god with the psalm in my mouth1 and say to him1 ',against thee1 thee only1 have ,i sinned1' it would be false2 for ,i have sinned against every man1 woman1 and child in ,england at least1 and ,i will repudiate myself4 ,to the throne of ,god ,i want to go1 and there is no way thither for me but through the gate of the law4 ,leopold6 pleaded ,helen1 as if for her own life with some hard judge1 what good can it do to send another life after the one that is gone8 ,it cannot bring it back1 or heal a single sorrow for its loss4 ,except perhaps my own1 said ,leopold1 in a feeble voice1 but not the less in a determined tone4 ,live till ,god send for you1 persisted ,helen1 heedless of his words4 ,you can give your life to make up for the wrong you have done in a thousand better ways3 that would be but to throw it in the dirt4 ,there is so much good waiting to be done6 ,leopold sank on the couch4 ,i am sitting down again1 ,helen1 only because ,i am not able to stand1 he said4 ,i ,,will go4 ,don't talk to me about doing good6 ,whatever ,i touched ,i should but smear with blood4 ,i want the responsibility of my own life taken off me4 ,i am like the horrible creature ,frankenstein made--one that has no right to existence--and at the same time like the maker of it1 who is accountable for that existence4 ,i am a blot on ,god's creation that must be wiped off4 ,for this my strength is given back to me1 and ,i am once more able to will and resolve4 ,you will find ,i can act too4 ,helen1 if you will indeed be my sister1 you must ,,not prevent me now4 ,i know it is hard upon you1 awfully hard4 ,i know ,i am dragging your life down with mine1 but ,i cannot help it4 ,if ,i don't do it1 ,i shall but go out of one madness into another1 ever a deeper1 until the devils can't hold me4 ,mr4 ,polwarth1 is it not my duty to give myself up8 ,ought not the evil thing to be made manifest and swept out of the earth8 ,most people grant it a man's first duty to take care of his life3 that is the only thing ,i can do for mine4 ,it is now a filthy pool with a corpse in it3--,i would clean it out--have the thing buried at least1 though never forgotten--never1 never forgotten4 ,then ,i shall die and go to ,god and see what he can do for me4 ,why should you put it off till then8 said ,polwarth4 ,why not go to him at once and tell him all8 ,as if it had been ,samuel at the command of ,eli1 ,leopold rose and crept feebly across the floor to the dressing-room1 entered it1 and closed the door4 ,then ,helen turned upon ,wingfold with a face white as linen1 and eyes flashing with troubled wrath4 ,the tigress-mother swelled in her heart1 and she looked like a ,maenad indeed4 ,is this then your religion8 she cried with quivering nostril4 ,would he you dare to call your master have stolen into the house of a neighbour to play upon the weakness of a poor lad suffering from brain-fever8 ,a fine trophy of your persuasive power and priestly craft you would make of him6 ,what is it to you whether he confesses his sins or not8 ,if he confesses them to him you say is your ,god1 is not that enough8 ,for shame1 gentlemen6 ,she ceased1 and stood trembling and flashing--a human thunder-cloud4 ,neither of the men cared to assert innocence1 because1 although they had not advised the step1 they entirely approved of it4 ,a moment more1 and her anger suddenly went out4 ,she burst into tears1 and falling on her knees before the curate1 begged and prayed like a child condemned to some frightful punishment4 ,it was terrible to ,wingfold to see a woman in such an agony of prayer--to one who would not grant it--and that one himself4 ,in vain he sought to raise her4 ,if you do not save ,leopold1 ,i will kill myself1 she cried1 and my blood will be on your head4 ,the only way to save your brother is to strengthen him to do his duty1 whatever that may be4 ,the hot fit of her mental fever returned4 ,she sprang to her feet1 and her face turned again almost like that of a corpse with pale wrath4 ,leave the house6 she said1 turning sharply upon ,polwarth1 who stood solemn and calm at ,wingfold's side1 a step behind4 ,it was wonderful what an unconscious dignity radiated from him4 ,if my friend goes1 ,i go too1 said ,wingfold4 ,but ,i must first tell your brother why4 ,he made a step towards the dressing-room4 ,but now came a fresh change of mood upon ,helen4 ,she darted between him and the door1 and stood there with such a look of humble entreaty as went to his very heart1 and all but unmanned him4 ,ah1 how lovely she looked in the silent prayer of tears6 ,but not even her tears could turn ,wingfold from what seemed his duty4 ,they could only bring answering tears from the depth of a tender heart4 ,she saw he would not flinch4 ,then may ,god do to you as you have done to me and mine6 she said4 ,amen6 returned ,wingfold and ,polwarth together4 ,the door of the dressing-room opened1 and out came ,leopold1 his white face shining4 ,god has heard me6 he cried4 ,how do you know that8 said his sister1 in the hoarse accents of unbelieving despair4 ,because he has made me strong to do my duty4 ,he has reminded me that another man may be accused of my crime1 and now to conceal myself were to double my baseness4 ,it will be time enough to think of that when there is a necessity for it4 ,the thing you imagine may never happen1 said ,helen1 in the same unnatural voice4 ,leave it1 cried ,leopold1 until an innocent man shall have suffered the torture and shame of a false accusation1 that a guilty man may a little longer act the hypocrite6 ,no1 ,helen1 ,i have not fallen so low as that yet4 ,believe me1 this is the only living hour ,i have had since ,i did the deed6 ,but as he spoke1 the light died out of his face1 and ere they could reach him he had fallen heavily on the floor4 ,you have killed him6 cried ,helen1 in a stifled shriek1 for all the time she had never forgotten that her aunt might hear4 ,but the same moment she caught from his condition a lurid hope4 ,go1 ,i beg of you1 she said--by the window there1 before my aunt comes4 ,she must have heard the fall4 ,there is the key of the door below4 ,the men obeyed1 and left the house in silence4 ,it was some time before ,leopold returned to consciousness4 ,he made no resistance to being again put to bed1 where he lay in extreme exhaustion4 ,,chapter ,,xxx4 ,,the ,,strong ,,man4 ,the next day he was much too exhausted and weak to talk about anything4 ,he took what his sister brought him1 smiled his thanks1 and once put up his hand and stroked her cheek4 ,but her heart was not gladdened by these signs of comparative composure1 for what gave him quiet but the same that filled her with unspeakable horror8 ,the day after that was ,saturday1 and ,george ,bascombe came as usual4 ,the sound of his step in the hall made her dying hope once more flutter its wings3 having lost the poor stay of the parson1 from whom she had never expected much1 she turned in her fresh despair to the cousin from whom she had never looked for anything4 ,but what was she to say to him8--,nothing yet1 she resolved2 but she would take him to see ,leopold--for was he not sure to hear that the parson had been admitted8 ,she did not feel at all certain that she was doing right1 but she would do it2 and if she left them together1 possibly ,george might drop some good ,,practical advice1 which1 though spoken in ignorance1 might yet tell4 ,george was such a healthy nature and such a sound thinker6 ,was it not as ridiculous as horrible for any man to think he had a right to throw away his very existence1 and bring disgrace upon his family as well1 for a mere point of honour--no1 not honour1 mere fastidiousness6 ,leopold was better1 and willing enough to see ,george1 saying only1 ,i would rather it were ,mr4 ,wingfold4 ,but he can't come to-day1 ,i suppose1 to-morrow being ,sunday4 ,george's entrance brought with it a waft of breezy health1 and a show of bodily vigour pleasant and refreshing to the heart of the invalid4 ,kindness shone in his eyes1 and his large1 handsome hand was out as usual while he was yet yards away4 ,it swallowed up that of poor ,leopold1 and held it fast4 ,come1 come1 old fellow6 ,what's the meaning of this8 he said right cheerily4 ,you ought to be ashamed of yourself--lying in bed like this in such weather6 ,why ain't you riding in the park with ,helen1 instead of moping in this dark room8 ,you'll be as blind as the fish in the cave of ,kentucky if you don't get out of this directly6 ,we must see what we can do to get you up6 ,he glanced round the room1 saw that ,helen had left it1 and changed his tone to a lower and serious one3 ,i say1 my boy1 you must have been playing old ,harry with your constitution to bring yourself to such a pass6 ,by ,jove6 this will never do6 ,you must turn over a new leaf1 you know4 ,that sort of thing never pays4 ,the game's not worth the candle4 ,why1 you've been at death's door1 and life's not so long that you can afford to play ducks and drakes with it4 ,thus he talked1 in expostulatory rattle1 the very high-priest of social morality1 for some1 time before ,leopold could get a word in4 ,but when he did1 it turned the current into quite another channel4 ,an hour passed1 and ,george reappeared in the drawing-room1 where ,helen was waiting for him4 ,he looked very grave4 ,i fear matters are worse with poor ,leopold than ,i had imagined1 he said4 ,helen gave a sad nod of acquiescence4 ,he's quite off his head1 continued ,george1 --telling me such an awful cock-and-bull story with the greatest gravity6 ,he ,,will have it that he is a murderer--the murderer of that very girl ,i was telling you about1 you remember1-- ,yes1 yes6 ,i know1 said ,helen1 as a faint gleam of reviving hope shot up from below her horizon4 ,george took the whole thing for a sick fancy1 and who was likely to know better than he--a lawyer1 and skilled in evidence8 ,not a word would she say to interfere with such an opinion6 ,i hope you gave him a good talking-to1 she said4 ,of course ,i did1 he answered2 but it was of no use4 ,i see exactly how it is4 ,he gave me a full and circumstantial account of the affair1 filling up all the gaps1 it is true1 but going only just as far as the newspapers supplied the skeleton4 ,how he got away1 for instance1 he could not tell me4 ,and now nothing will serve him but confess it6 ,he don't care who knows it6 ,he's as mad as a hatter6--,i beg your pardon1 ,helen--on that one point1 ,i mean4 ,the moment ,i saw him ,i read madness in his eye6--,what's to be done now8 ,george1 ,i look to you1 said ,helen4 ,poor aunt is of no use4 ,think what will become of her1 if the unhappy boy should attempt to give himself up6 ,we should be the talk of the county--of the whole country6 ,why didn't you tell me of this before1 ,helen8 ,it must have been coming on for some time4 ,george1 ,i didn't know what to do4 ,and ,i had heard you say such terrible things about the duty of punishing crime4 ,good gracious1 ,helen6 where is your logic8 ,what has crime to do with it6 ,is down-right stark-staring madness a crime8 ,anyone with half an eye can see the boy is mad6 ,helen saw she had made a slip1 and held her peace4 ,george went on3-- ,he ought to be shut up4 ,no6 no6 no6 ,helen almost screamed1 and covered her face with her hands4 ,i've done my best to persuade him4 ,but ,i will have another try4 ,that a fellow is out of his mind is no reason why he should be unassailable by good logic--that is1 if you take him on his own admissions4 ,i fear you will make nothing of him1 ,george4 ,he is set upon it1 and ,i don't know what ,,is to be done4 ,george got up1 went back to ,leopold1 and plied him with the very best of arguments4 ,but they were of no avail4 ,there was for him but one door out of hell1 and that was the door of confession--let what might lie on the other side of it4 ,who knows1 he said1 but the law of a life for a life may have come of compassion for the murderer8 ,nonsense6 said ,george4 ,it comes of the care of society over its own constituent parts4 ,whatever it came from1 ,i know this1 returned ,leopold1 that1 since ,i made up my mind to confess1 ,i am a man again4 ,george was silent4 ,he found himself in that rare condition for him--perplexity4 ,it would be most awkward if the thing came to be talked of6 ,some would even be fools enough to believe the story6 ,entire proof of madness would only make such set it down as the consequence--or1 if pity prevailed1 then as the cause of the deed4 ,they might be compelled to shut him up1 to avoid no end of the most frightful annoyances4 ,but ,helen1 he feared1 would not consent to that4 ,and then his story was so circumstantial--and therefore so far plausible--that there was no doubt most magistrates would be ready at once to commit him for trial--and then where would there be an end of the most offensive embarrassments6 ,thus ,george reflected uneasily4 ,but at length an idea struck him4 ,well1 he said lightly1 if you will1 you will4 ,we must try to make it as easy for you as we can4 ,i will manage it1 and go with you4 ,i know all about such things1 you know4 ,but it won't do just to-day4 ,if you were to go before a magistrate1 looking as you do now1 he would not listen to a word you uttered4 ,he would only fancy you in a fever and send you to bed4 ,if you are quiet to-day--let me see-- to-morrow is ,sunday--and if you are in the same mind on ,monday1 ,i will take you to ,mr4 ,hooker--he's one of the county magistrates1 and you shall make your statement to him4 ,thank you4--,i should like ,mr4 ,wingfold to go too4 ,soh6 said ,george to himself4 ,by all means1 he answered4 ,we can take him with us4 ,he went again to ,helen4 ,this is a most awkward business1 he said4 ,poor girl6 what you must have gone through with him6 ,i had no idea6 ,but ,i see my way out of it4 ,keep your mind easy1 ,helen4 ,i do see what ,i can do4 ,only what's the meaning of his wanting that fellow ,wingfold to go with him8 ,i shouldn't a bit wonder now if it all came of some of his nonsense6 ,at least1 it may be that ass of a curate that has put confession in his head--to save his soul1 of course6 ,how did he come to see him8 ,the poor boy would see him4 ,what made him want to see him8 ,helen held her peace4 ,she saw ,george suspected the truth4 ,well1 no matter1 said ,george4 ,but one never knows what may come of things4 ,we ought always to look well ahead4--,you had better go and lie down awhile1 ,helen2 you don't seem quite yourself4 ,i am afraid to leave ,leopold1 she answered4 ,he will be telling aunt and everybody now4 ,that ,i will take care he does not1 said ,george4 ,you go and lie down a while4 ,helen's strength had been sorely tried3 she had borne up bravely to the last2 but now that she could do no more1 and her brother had taken himself out of her hands1 her strength had begun to give way1 and1 almost for the first time in her life1 in daylight1 she longed to go to bed4 ,let ,george1 or ,wingfold1 or who would1 see to the wilful boy6 ,she had done what she could4 ,she gladly yielded to ,george's suggestion1 sought an unoccupied room1 bolted the door1 and threw herself upon the bed4 ,,chapter ,,xxxi4 ,,george ,,and ,,leopold4 ,george went again to ,leopold's room1 and sat down by him4 ,the youth lay with his eyes half closed1 and a smile--a faint sad one--flickered over his face4 ,he was asleep3 from infancy he had slept with his eyes open4 ,emmeline6 he murmured1 in the tone of one who entreats forgiveness4 ,strange infatuation6 said ,george to himself3 even his dreams are mad6 ,good ,god6 there can't be anything in it--can there8 ,i begin to feel as if ,i were not quite safe myself4 ,mad-doctors go mad themselves1 they say4 ,i wonder what sort of floating sporule carries the infection--reaching the brain by the nose1 ,i fancy4 ,or perhaps there is latent madness in us all1 requiring only the presence of another madness to set it free4 ,leopold was awake and looking at him4 ,is it a very bad way of dying8 he asked4 ,what is1 old boy6 ,hanging4 ,yes1 very bad--choking1 you know1 answered ,george1 who wanted to make the worst of it4 ,i thought the neck was broken and all was over1 returned ,leopold1 with a slight tremor in his voice4 ,yes1 that's how it ought to be2 but it fails so often6 ,at least there's no more hanging in public1 and that's a comfort1 said ,leopold4 ,what a queer thing1 said ,george to himself1 that a man should be ready to hang for an idea6 ,why should he not do his best to enjoy what is left of the sunlight1 seeing1 as their own prophet says1 the night cometh when no man can work8 ,a few more whiffs of his cigar before it goes out1 would hurt no one4 ,it is one thing to hang a murderer1 and quite another to hang yourself if you happen to be the man4 ,but he's stark raving mad1 and must be humoured4 ,dance upon nothing for an idea6 ,well1 it's not without plenty of parallels in history6--,i wonder whether his one idea would give way now1 if it were brought to the actual test of hanging6 ,it is a pity it couldn't be tried1 just for experiment's sake4 ,but a strait-waistcoat would be better4 ,leopold's acquaintance with ,george had been but small1 and of his favourite theories he knew nothing4 ,but he had always known that he was not merely his sister's cousin1 but the trusted friend both of her and of her aunt2 and since he had come to know of his frequent visits1 he had begun to believe him more to ,helen than a friend4 ,hence the moment he had made up his mind to confess1 he was ready to trust ,george entirely1 and although he was disappointed to find him receive his communication in a spirit so different from that of ,wingfold and his friend1 he felt no motion of distrust on that account1 seeing ,helen1 who had been to him true as steel1 took the same view of his resolution4 ,what would you do yourself then1 ,george1 if you had committed a crime like mine8 he asked1 after lying silent for a while4 ,none of ,george's theories had greatly taxed his imagination4 ,he had not been in any habit of fancying himself in this or that situation--and when he did1 it was always in some pleasant one of victory or recognition4 ,possible conditions of humanity other than pleasant1 he had been content to regard from the outside1 and come to logical conclusions concerning1 without1 as a ,german would say1 thinking himself into them at all2 and it would have been to do the very idea of ,george ,bascombe a wrong to imagine him entangled in any such net of glowing wire as a crime against society6 ,therefore1 although for most questions ,george had always an answer ready1 for this he had none at hand1 and required a moment1 and but a moment1 to think4 ,i would say to myself1 he replied1 ',what is done1 is done1 and is beyond my power to alter or help4' ,and so ,i would be a man and bear it--not a weakling1 and let it crush me4 ,no1 by ,jove6 it shouldn't crush ,,me6 ,ah1 but you haven't tried the weight of it1 ,george6 returned ,leopold4 ,god forbid6 said ,george4 ,god forbid6 indeed1 rejoined ,leopold2 but there 'tis done for all his forbidding6 ,what's done is done1 ,god or devil1 and must be borne1 ,i say1 said ,bascombe1 stretching out his legs4 ,he was aware it sounded heartless1 but how could he help it8 ,what else was there to be said8 ,but if you can't bear it8 ,if it is driving you mad--mad--mad8 ,if you must do something or kill yourself8 cried ,leopold4 ,you haven't done your best at trying yet1 returned ,george4 ,but you are ill1 and not very able to try1 ,i daresay1 and so we can't help it4 ,on ,monday we shall go to ,mr4 ,hooker1 and see what he says to it4 ,he rose and went to get a book from the library4 ,on the stair he met the butler3 ,mr4 ,wingfold had called to see ,mr4 ,lingard4 ,he can't see him to-day4 ,he is too much exhausted1 said ,bascombe2 and the curate left the house thoughtful and sorry1 feeling as if a vulture had settled by the side of the youth--a good-natured vulture1 no doubt1 but not the less one bent on picking out the eyes of his mind4 ,he walked away along the street towards the church with down-bent head1 seeing no one4 ,he entered the churchyard1 not looking whither he went3 a lovely soul was in pain and peril1 and he could not get near to help it4 ,they were giving it choke-damp to breathe1 instead of mountain-air4 ,they were washing its sores with anodynes instead of laying them open with the knife of honesty1 that they might be cleansed and healed4 ,he found himself stumbling among the level gravestones1 and stopped and sat down4 ,he sat a while1 seeming to think of nothing1 his eyes resting on a little tuft of moss that shone like green gold in the sunlight on the shoulder of an awkward little cherub's wing4 ,ere long he found himself thinking how not the soul of ,leopold1 but that of ,helen1 was in chief danger4 ,poor ,leopold had the serpent of his crime to sting him alive1 but ,helen had the vampyre of an imperfect love to fan her asleep with the airs of a false devotion4 ,it was ,helen he had to be anxious about more than ,leopold4 ,he rose and walked back to the house4 ,can ,i see ,miss ,lingard8 he asked4 ,it was a maid who opened the door this time4 ,she showed him into the library1 and went to inquire4 ,,chapter ,,xxxii4 ,,wingfold ,,and ,,helen4 ,when ,helen lay down1 she tried to sleep1 but she could not even lie still4 ,for all her preference of ,george and his counsel1 and her hope in the view he took of ,leopold's case1 the mere knowledge that in the next room her cousin sat by her brother1 made her anxious and restless4 ,at first it was the bare feeling that they were together--the thing she had for so long taken such pains to prevent4 ,next came the fear lest ,leopold should succeed in persuading ,george that he was really guilty--in which case1 what would ,george1 the righteous man1 counsel8 ,and last and chief of all1 what hope of peace to ,leopold could he in any of his counsel--except indeed he led him up to the door of death1 and urged him into the nothingness behind it8 ,then what if ,george should be wrong1 and there ,,was something behind it8 ,whatever sort of a something it might be1 could the teaching of ,george be in the smallest measure a preparation for it8 ,were it not better1 so far as the ,,possibility which remained untouched by any of ,george's arguments was concerned1 that ,leopold should die believing after ,mr4 ,wingfold's fashion1 and not disbelieving after ,george's8 ,if then there were nothing behind1 he would be nothing the worse2 if there were1 the curate might have in some sort prepared him for it4 ,and now first she began to feel that she was a little afraid of her cousin--that she had yielded to his influence1 or rather allowed him to assume upon the possession of influence1 until she was aware of something that somewhere galled4 ,he was a very good fellow1 but was he one fit to rule her life8 ,would her nature consent to look up to his always1 if she were to marry him8 ,but the thought only flitted like a cloud across the surface of her mind1 for all her care was ,leopold1 and alas6 with him she was now almost angry1 and it grieved her sorely4 ,all these feelings together had combined to form her mood1 when her maid came to the door with the message that ,mr4 ,wingfold was in the library4 ,she resolved at once to see him4 ,the curate's heart trembled a little as he waited for her4 ,he was not quite sure that it was his business to tell her her duty--yet something seemed to drive him to it3 he could not bear the idea of her going on in the path of crookedness4 ,it is no easy matter for one man to tell another his duty in the simplest relations of life2 and here was a man1 naturally shy and self-distrustful1 daring to rebuke and instruct a woman1 whose presence was mighty upon him1 and whose influence was tenfold heightened by the suffering that softened her beauty6 ,she entered1 troubled yet stately1 doubtful1 yet with a kind of half-trust in her demeanour1 white1 and blue-eyed1 with pained mouth1 and a droop of weariness and suffering in eyelids and neck--a creature to be worshipped if only for compassion of dignified distress4 ,thomas ,wingfold's nature was one more than usually bent towards helpfulness1 but his early history1 his lack of friends1 of confidence1 of convictions1 of stand or aim in life1 had hitherto prevented the outcome of that tendency4 ,but now1 like issuing water1 which1 having found way1 gathers force momently1 the pent-up ministration of his soul was asserting itself4 ,now that he understood more of the human heart1 and recognised in this and that human countenance the bars of a cage through which peeped an imprisoned life1 his own heart burned in him with the love of the helpless2 and if there was mingled therein anything of the ambition of benefaction1 anything of the love of power1 anything of self-recommendation1 pride of influence1 or desire to be a centre of good1 and rule in a small kingdom of the aided and aiding1 these marshy growths had the fairest chance of dying an obscure death2 for the one sun1 potent on the wheat for life1 and on the tares for death1 is the face of ,christ ,jesus1 and in that presence ,wingfold lived more and more from day to day4 ,and now came ,helen1 who1 more than anyone whose history he had yet learned--more perhaps than even her brother1 needed such help as he confidently hoped he knew now where she might find6 ,but when he saw her stand before him wounded and tearful and proud1 regarding his behaviour in respect of her brother as cruel and heartless2 when he felt in his very soul that she was jealous of his influence1 that she disliked and even despised him2 it was only with a strong effort he avoided assuming a manner correspondent to the idea of himself he saw reflected in her mind1 and submitting himself1 as it were1 to be what she judged him4 ,when1 however1 by a pure effort of will1 he rose above this weakness and looked her full and clear in the face1 a new jealousy of himself arose3 she stood there so lovely1 so attractive1 so tenfold womanly in her misery1 that he found he must keep a stern watch upon himself1 lest interest in her as a woman should trespass on the sphere of simple humanity1 wherein with favouring distinction is recognized neither ,jew nor ,greek1 prince nor peasant--not even man or woman1 only the one human heart that can love and suffer4 ,it aided him in this respect however1 that his inherent modesty caused him to look up to ,helen as to a suffering goddess1 noble1 grand1 lovely1 only ignorant of the one secret1 of which he1 haunting the steps of the ,unbound ,prometheus1 had learned a few syllables1 broken yet potent1 which he would fain1 could he find how1 communicate in their potency to her4 ,and besides1 to help her now looking upon him from the distant height of conscious superiority1 he must persuade her to what she regarded as an unendurable degradation6 ,the circumstances assuredly protected him from any danger of offering her such expression of sympathy as might not have been welcome to her4 ,it is true that the best help a woman can get is from a right man--equally true with its converse2 but let the man who ventures take heed4 ,unless he is able to counsel a woman to the hardest thing that bears the name of duty1 let him not dare give advice even to her asking4 ,helen however had not come to ask advice of ,wingfold4 ,she was in no such mood4 ,she was indeed weary of a losing strife1 and only for a glimmer of possible help from her cousin1 saw ruin inevitable before her4 ,but this revival of hope in ,george had roused afresh her indignation at the intrusion of ,wingfold with what she chose to lay to his charge as unsought counsel4 ,at the same time1 through all the indignation1 terror1 and dismay1 something within her murmured audibly enough that the curate and not her cousin was the guide who could lead her brother where grew the herb of what peace might yet be had4 ,it was therefore with a sense of bewilderment1 discord1 and uncertainty1 that she now entered the library4 ,wingfold rose1 made his obeisance1 and advanced a step or two4 ,he would not offer a hand that might be unwelcome1 and ,helen did not offer hers4 ,she bent her neck graciously1 and motioned him to be seated4 ,i hope ,mr4 ,lingard is not worse1 he said4 ,helen started4 ,had anything happened while she had been away from him8 ,no4 ,why should he be worse8 she answered4 ,have they told you anything8 ,i have heard nothing2 only as ,i was not allowed to see him1-- ,i left him with ,mr4 ,bascombe half an hour ago1 she said1 willing to escape the imputation of having refused him admittance4 ,wingfold gave an involuntary sigh4 ,you do not think that gentleman's company desirable for my brother1 ,i presume1 she said with a smile so lustreless that it seemed bitter4 ,he won't do him any harm--at least ,i do not think you need fear it4 ,why not8 ,no one in your profession can think his opinions harmless1 and certainly he will not suppress them4 ,a man with such a weight on his soul as your brother carries1 will not be ready to fancy it lightened by having lumps of lead thrown upon it4 ,an easy mind may take a shroud on its shoulders for wings1 but when trouble comes and it wants to fly1 then it knows the difference4 ,leopold will not be misled by ,mr4 ,bascombe4 ,helen grew paler4 ,she would have him misled--so far as not to betray himself4 ,i am far more afraid of your influence than of his1 added the curate4 ,what bad influence do you suppose me likely to exercise8 asked ,helen1 with a cold smile4 ,the bad influence of wishing him to act upon your conscience instead of his own4 ,is my conscience then a worse one than ,leopold's8 she asked1 but as if she felt no interest in the answer4 ,it is not his1 and that is enough4 ,his own and no other can tell him what he ought to do4 ,why not leave him to it1 then8 she said bitterly4 ,that is what ,i want of you1 ,miss ,lingard4 ,i would have you fear to touch the life of the poor youth4 ,touch his life6 ,i would give him mine to save it4 ,,you counsel him to throw it away4 ,alas1 what different meanings we put on the word6 ,you call the few years he may have to live in this world his life2 while ,i-- ,while you count it the millions of which yon know nothing1--somewhere whence no one has ever returned to bring any news6--a wretched life at best if it be such as you represent it4 ,pardon me1 that is merely what you suppose ,i mean by the word4 ,i do not mean that2 ,i mean something altogether different4 ,when ,i spoke of his life1 ,i thought nothing about here or there1 now or then4 ,you will see what ,i mean if you think how the light came back to his eye and the colour to his cheek the moment he had made up his mind to do what had long seemed his duty4 ,when ,i saw him again that light was still in his eyes1 and a feeble hope looked out of every feature4 ,existence1 from a demon-haunted vapor1 had begun to change to a morning of spring2 life1 the life of conscious well-being1 of law and order and peace1 had begun to dawn in obedience and self-renunciation2 his resurrection was at hand4 ,but you then1 and now you and ,mr4 ,bascombe1 would stop this resurrection2 you would seat yourselves upon his gravestone to keep him down6--,and why8--,lest he1 lest you1 lest your family should be disgraced by letting him out of his grave to tell the truth4 ,sir6 cried ,helen1 indignantly drawing herself to her full height and something more4 ,wingfold took one step nearer to her4 ,my calling is to speak the truth1 he said3 and ,i am bound to warn you that you will never be at peace in your own soul until you love your brother aright4 ,love my brother6 ,helen almost screamed4 ,i would die for him4 ,then at least let your pride die for him1 said ,wingfold1 not without indignation4 ,helen left the room1 and ,wingfold the house4 ,she had hardly shut the door1 and fallen again upon the bed1 when she began to know in her heart that the curate was right4 ,but the more she knew it1 the less would she confess it even to herself3 it was unendurable4 ,,chapter ,,xxxiii4 ,a ,,review4 ,the curate walked hurriedly home1 and seated himself at his table1 where yet lay his ,greek ,testament open at the passage he had been pondering for his sermon4 ,alas6 all he had then been thinking with such fervour had vanished4 ,he knew his inspiring text1 but the rest was gone4 ,worst of all1 feeling was gone with thought1 and was1 for the time at least1 beyond recall4 ,righteous as his anger was1 it had ruffled the mirror of his soul till it could no longer reflect heavenly things4 ,he rose1 caught up his ,new ,testament1 and went to the church-yard4 ,it was a still place1 and since the pains of a new birth had come upon him1 he had often sought the shelter of its calm4 ,a few yards from the wall of the rectory garden stood an old yew-tree1 and a little nearer on one side was a small thicket of cypress2 between these and the wall was an ancient stone upon which he generally seated himself4 ,it had already begun to be called the curate's chair4 ,most imagined him drawn thither by a clerical love of gloom1 but in that case he could scarcely have had such delight in seeing the sky through the dark foliage of the yew3 he thought the parts so seen looked more divinely blue than any of the rest4 ,he would have admitted1 however1 that he found quiet1 for the soul as well as the body1 upon this edge of the world1 this brink of the gulf that swallowed the ever-pouring ever-vanishing ,niagara of human life4 ,on the stone he now seated himself and fell a-musing4 ,what a change had come upon him--slow1 indeed1 yet how vast1 since the night when he sat in the same churchyard indignant and uneasy with the words of ,bascombe like hot coals in his heart6 ,he had been made ashamed of himself who had never thought much of himself1 but the more he had lost of worthiness in his own eyes the more he had gained in worth4 ,and the more his poor satisfaction with himself had died out1 the more the world had awaked around him4 ,for it must be remembered that a little conceit is no more to be endured than a great one1 but must be swept utterly away4 ,sky and wind and water and birds and trees said to him1 ,forget thyself and we will think of thee4 ,sing no more to thyself thy foolish songs of decay1 and we will all sing to thee of love and hope and faith and resurrection4 ,earth and air had grown full of hints and sparkles and vital motions1 as if between them and his soul an abiding community of fundamental existence had manifested itself4 ,he had never in the old days that were so near and yet seemed so far behind him1 consciously cared for the sunlight3 now even the shadows were marvellous in his eyes1 and the glitter the golden weather-cock on the tower was like a cry of the prophet ,isaiah4 ,high and alone in the clear blue air it swung1 an endless warning to him that veers with the wind of the world1 the words of men1 the summer breezes of their praise1 or the bitter blasts of their wintry blame2 it was no longer to him a cock of the winds1 but a cock of the truth--a ,peter-cock1 that crew aloud in golden shine its rebuke of cowardice and lying4 ,never before had he sought acquaintance with the flowers that came dreaming up out of the earth in the woods and the lanes like a mist of loveliness1 but the spring-time came in his own soul1 and then he knew the children of the spring4 ,and as the joy of the reviving world found its way into the throats of the birds1 so did the spring in his reviving soul find its way into the channels of thought and speech1 and issue in utterance both rhythmic and melodious4--,but not in any1 neither in all of these things lay the chief sign and embodiment of the change he recognised in himself4 ,it was this3 that1 whereas in former times the name ,christ had been to him little more than a dull theological symbol1 the thought of him and of his thoughts was now constantly with him2 ever and anon some fresh light would break from the cloudy halo that enwrapped his grandeur2 ever was he growing more the ,son of ,man to his loving heart1 ever more the ,son of ,god to his aspiring spirit4 ,testimony had merged almost in vision3 he saw into1 and partly understood the perfection it presented3 he looked upon the face of ,god and lived4 ,oftener and oftener1 as the days passed1 did it seem as if the man were by his side1 and at times1 in the stillness of the summer-eve1 when he walked alone1 it seemed almost1 as thoughts of revealing arose in his heart1 that the ,master himself was teaching him in spoken words4 ,what need now to rack his soul in following the dim-seen1 ever evanishing paths of metaphysics6 he had but to obey the prophet of life1 the man whose being and doing and teaching were blended in one three-fold harmony1 or rather1 were the three-fold analysis of one white essence--he had but to obey him1 haunt his footsteps1 and hearken after the sound of his spirit1 and all truth would in healthy process be unfolded in himself4 ,what philosophy could carry him where ,jesus would carry his obedient friends--into his own peace1 namely1 far above all fear and all hate1 where his soul should breathe such a high atmosphere of strength at once and repose1 that he should love even his enemies1 and that with no such love as condescendingly overlooks1 but with the real1 hearty1 and self-involved affection that would die to give them the true life6 ,alas6 how far was he from such perfection now--from such a martyrdom1 lovely as endless1 in the consuming fire of ,god6 ,and at the thought1 he fell from the heights of his contemplation--but was caught in the thicket of prayer4 ,by the time he reached his lodging1 the glow had vanished1 but the mood remained4 ,he sat down and wrote the first sketch of the following verses1 then found that his sermon had again drawn nigh1 and was within the reach of his spiritual tentacles4 ,father1 ,i cry to thee for bread1 ,with hungered longing1 eager prayer2 ,thou hear'st1 and givest me instead ,more hunger and a half-despair4 ,o ,lord1 how long8 ,my days decline2 ,my youth is lapped in memories old2 ,i need not bread alone1 but wine-- ,see1 cup and hand to thee ,i hold4 ,and yet thou givest3 thanks1 ,o ,lord1 ,that still my heart with hunger faints6 ,the day will come when at thy board ,i sit forgetting all my plaints4 ,if rain must come and winds must blow1 ,and ,i pore long o'er dim-seen chart1 ,yet1 ,lord1 let not the hunger go1 ,and keep the faintness at my heart4 ,,chapter ,,xxxiv4 ,a ,,sermon ,,to ,,leopold4 ,when the curate stood up to read1 his eyes as of themselves sought ,mrs4 ,ramshorn's pew4 ,there sat ,helen1 with a look that revealed1 he thought1 more of determination and less of suffering4 ,her aunt was by her side1 cold and glaring1 an ecclesiastical puss1 ready to spring upon any small church-mouse that dared squeak in its own murine way4 ,bascombe was not visible1 and that was a relief4 ,for an unbelieving face1 whether the dull dining countenance of a mayor1 or the keen searching countenance of a barrister1 is a sad bone in the throat of utterance1 and has to be of set will passed over1 and1 if that may be1 forgotten4 ,wingfold tried hard to forget ,mrs4 ,ramshorn's1 and one or two besides1 and by the time he came to the sermon1 thought of nothing but human hearts1 their agonies1 and him who came to call them to him4 ,i came not to call the righteous1 but sinners to repentance4 ,was it then of the sinners first our ,lord thought ere he came from the bosom of the ,father8 ,did the perfect will embrace in the all-atoning tenderness of the divine heart1 the degraded1 disfigured1 defiled1 distorted thing1 whose angel is too blind ever to see the face of its ,father8 ,through all the hideous filth of the charnel-house1 which the passions had heaped upon her1 did the ,word recognise the bound1 wing-lamed1 feather-draggled ,psyche1 panting in horriblest torture8 ,did he have a desire to the work of his hands1 the child of his father's heart1 and therefore1 strong in compassion1 speed to the painful rescue of hearts like his own8 ,that purity arid defilement should thus meet across all the great dividing gulf of law and morals6 ,the friend of publicans and sinners6 ,think3 he was absolutely friendly with them6 was not shocked at them6 held up no hands of dismay6 ,only they must do so no more4 ,if he were to come again1 visibly1 now1 which do you think would come crowding around him in greater numbers--the respectable church-goers1 or the people from the slums8 ,i do not know4 ,i dare not judge4 ,but the fact that the church draws so few of those that are despised1 of those whom ,jesus drew and to whom most expressly he came1 gives ground for question as to how far the church is like her ,lord4 ,certainly many a one would find the way to the feet of the master1 from whom the respectable church-goer1 the pharisee of our time1 and the priest who stands on his profession1 would draw back with disgust4 ,and doubtless it would be in the religious world that a man like ,jesus1 who1 without a professional education1 a craftsman by birth and early training1 uttered scarce a phrase endorsed by clerical use1 or a word of the religious cant of the day1 but taught in simplest natural forms the eternal facts of faith and hope and love1 would meet with the chief and perhaps the only ,,bitter opponents of his doctrine and life4 ,but did our ,lord not call the righteous8 ,did he not call honest men about him--,james and ,john and ,simon--sturdy fisher-folk1 who faced the night and the storm1 worked hard1 fared roughly1 lived honestly1 and led good cleanly lives with father and mother1 or with wife and children8 ,i do not know that he said anything special to convince them that they were sinners before he called them4 ,but it is to be remarked that one of the first effects of his company upon ,simon ,peter was1 that the fisherman grew ashamed of himself1 and while ashamed was yet possessed with an impulse of openness and honesty no less than passionate4 ,the pure man should not be deceived as to what sort of company he was in6 ',depart from me1 for ,i am a sinful man1 ,o ,lord6' ,i would ,i could clearly behold with my mind's eye what he then saw in ,jesus that drew from him that cry6 fle knew him for the ,messiah3 what was the working of the carpenter upon the fisherman that satisfied him of the fact8 ,would the miracle have done it but for the previous talk from the boat to the people8 ,i think not4 ,anyhow ,st4 ,peter judged himself among the sinners1 and we may be sure that if these fishers had been self-satisfied men1 they would not have left all and gone after him who called them4 ,still it would hardly seern that it was specially as sinners that he did so4 ,again1 did not men such as the ,lord himself regarded as righteous come to him--,nicodemus1 ,nathaniel1 the young man who came running and kneeled to him1 the scribe who was not far from the kingdom1 the centurion1 in whom he found more faith than in any ,jew1 he who had built a synagogue in ,capernaum1 and sculptured on its lintel the pot of manna8 ,these came to him1 and we know he was ready to receive them4 ,but he knew such would always come drawn of the ,father2 they did not want much calling2 they were not so much in his thoughts therefore2 he was not troubled about them2 they were as the ninety and nine1 the elder son at home1 the money in the purse4 ,doubtless they had much to learn1 were not yet in the kingdom1 but they were crowding about its door4 ,if ,i set it forth aright1 ,i know not1 but thus it looks to me4 ,and one thing ,i cannot forget--it meets me in the face--that some at least1--who knows if not all8--of the purest of men have counted themselves the greatest sinners6 ,neither can ,i forget that other saying of our ,lord1 a stumbling-block to many--our ,lord was not so careful as perhaps some would have had him1 lest men should stumble at the truth--,the first shall be last and the last first4 ,while our ,lord spoke the words3 ,the time cometh that whosoever killeth you will think that he doeth ,god service1 even then was ,saul of ,tarsus at the feet of ,gamaliel1 preparing to do ,god that service2 but like one born out of due time1 after all the rest he saw the ,lord1 and became the chief in labour and suffering4 ,thus the last became first4 ,and ,i bethink me that the beloved disciple1 who leaned on the bosom of the ,lord1 who was bolder to ask him than any--with the boldness of love1 he whom the meek and lowly called a ,son of ,thunder1 was the last of all to rejoin the master in the mansions of his ,father4 ,last or first--if only we are with him6 ,one thing is clear that in the order of the ,lord's business1 first came sinners4 ,who that reflects can fail to see this at least1 that a crime brings a man face to face with the reality of things8 ,he who knows himself a sinner--,i do not mean as one of the race--the most self-righteous man will allow that as a man he is a sinner--he to whom1 in the words of the communion service1 the remembrance of his sins is grievous1 and the burden of them intolerable1 knows in himself that he is a lost man4 ,he can no more hold up his head among his kind2 he cannot look a woman or a child in the face2 he cannot be left alone with the chaos of his thoughts1 and the monsters it momently breeds4 ,the joys of his childhood1 the delights of existence1 are gone from him4 ,there dwells within him an ever present judgment and fiery indignation4 ,such a man will start at the sound of pardon and peace1 even as the camel of the desert at the scent of water4 ,therefore surely is such a man nearer to the gate of the kingdom than he against whom the world has never wagged a tongue1 who never sinned against a social custom even1 and has as easy a conscience as the day he was born2 but who knows so little of himself that1 while he thinks he is good enough1 he carries within him the capacity and possibility of every cardinal sin1 waiting only the special and fitting temptation which1 like the match to the charged mine1 shall set all in a roar6 ,of this danger he knows nothing1 never dreams of praying against it1 takes his seat in his pew ,sunday after ,sunday with his family1 nor ever murmurs ,lead us not into temptation with the least sense that temptation is a frightful thing1 but repeats and responds and listens in perfect self-satisfaction1 doubting never that a world made up of such as he must be a pleasant sight in the eyes of the ,perfect4 ,there are men who will never see what they are capable or in danger of until they have committed some fearful wrong4 ,nay there are some for whom even that is not enough2 they must be found out by their fellow-men1 and scorned in the eyes of the world1 before they can or will admit or comprehend their own disgrace4 ,and there are worse still than these4 ,but a man may be oppressed by his sins1 and hardly know what it is that oppresses him4 ,there is more of sin in our burdens than we are ourselves aware4 ,it needs not that we should have committed any grievous fault4 ,do we recognize in ourselves that which needs to be set right1 that of which we ought to be ashamed1 something which1 were we lifted above all worldly anxieties1 would yet keep us uneasy1 dissatisfied1 take the essential gladness out of the sunlight1 make the fair face of the earth indifferent to us1 a trustful glance a discomposing look1 and death a darkness8--,i say to the man who feels thus1 whatever he may have done or left undone1 he is not so far from the kingdom of heaven but that he may enter thereinto if he will4 ,and if there be here any soul withered up with dismay1 torn with horrible wonder that he should have done the deed which he yet hath done1 to him ,i say--,flee from the self that hath sinned and hide thee with ,christ in ,god4 ,or if the words sound to thee as the words of some unknown tongue1 and ,i am to thee as one that beateth the air1 ,i say instead--,call aloud in thy agony1 that1 if there be a ,god1 he may hear the voice of his child1 and put forth his hand and lay hold upon him1 and rend from him the garment that clings and poisons and burns1 squeeze the black drop from his heart1 and set him weeping like a summer rain4 ,o blessed1 holy1 lovely repentance to which the ,son of ,man1 the very root and man of men1 hath come to call us6 ,good it is1 and ,i know it4 ,come and repent with me1 ,o heart wounded by thine own injustice and wrong1 and together we will seek the merciful4 ,think not about thy sin so as to make it either less or greater in thine own eyes4 ,bring it to ,jesus1 and let him show thee how vile a thing it is4 ,and leave it to him to judge thee--sure that he will judge thee justly1 extenuating nothing1 for he hath to cleanse thee utterly1 and yet forgetting no smallest excuse that may cover the amazement of thy guilt1 or witness for thee that not with open eyes didst thou do the deed4 ,at the last he cried1 ,father forgive them1 for they know not what they do4 ,for his enemies the truth should be spoken1 his first words when they had nailed him to the cross4 ,but again ,i say1 let it be ,christ that excuseth thee2 he will do it to more purpose than thou1 and will not wrong thy soul by excusing thee a hair too much1 or thy heart by excusing thee a hair too little4 ,i dreamed once that ,i had committed a terrible crime4 ,carried beyond myself by passion1 ,i knew not at the moment ,,how evil was the thing ,i did4 ,but ,i knew it was evil4 ,and suddenly ,i became aware1 when it was too late1 of the nature of that which ,i had done4 ,the horror that came with the knowledge was of the things that belong only to the secret soul4 ,i was the same man as before ,i did it1 yet was ,i now a man of whom my former self could not have conceived the possibility as dwelling within it4 ,the former self seemed now by contrast lovely in purity1 yet out of that seeming purity this fearful1 foul ,i of the present had just been born6 ,the face of my fellow-man was an avenging law1 the face of a just enemy4 ,where1 how1 should the frightful face be hidden8 ,the conscious earth must take it into its wounded bosom1 and that before the all-seeing daylight should come4 ,but it would come1 and ,i should stand therein pointed at by every ray that shot through the sunny atmosphere6 ,the agony was of its own kind1 and ,i have no word to tell what it was like4 ,an evil odour and a sickening pain combined1 might be a symbol of the torture4 ,as is in the nature of dreams1 possibly ,i lay but a little second on the rack1 yet an age seemed shot through and through with the burning meshes of that crime1 while1 cowering and terror-stricken1 ,i tossed about the loathsome fact in my mind4 ,i had ,,done it1 and from the done there was no escape3 it was for evermore a thing done4--,came a sudden change3 ,i awoke4 ,the sun stained with glory the curtains of my room1 and the light of light darted keen as an arrow into my very soul4 ,glory to ,god6 ,i was innocent6 ,the stone was rolled from my sepulchre4 ,with the darkness whence it had sprung1 the cloud of my crime went heaving lurid away4 ,i was a creature of the light and not of the dark4 ,for me the sun shone and the wind blew2 for me the sea roared and the flowers sent up their odours4 ,for me the earth had nothing to hide4 ,my guilt was wiped away2 there was no red worm gnawing at my heart2 ,i could look my neighbour in the face1 and the child of my friend might lay his hand in mine and not be defiled6 ,all day long the joy of that deliverance kept surging on in my soul4 ,but something yet more precious1 more lovely than such an awaking1 will repentance be to the sinner2 for after all it was but a dream of the night from which that set me free1 and the spectre-deed that vanished had never had a place in the world of fact2 while the horror from which repentance delivers1 is no dream1 but a stubborn abiding reality4 ,again1 the vanishing vision leaves the man what he was before1 still capable it may be of committing the crime from which he is not altogether clean to whom in his sleep it was possible3 repentance makes of the man a new creature1 one who has awaked from the sleep of sin to sleep that sleep no more4 ,the change in the one case is not for greatness comparable with that in the other4 ,the sun that awakes from the one sleep1 is but the outward sun of our earthly life--a glorious indeed and lovely thing1 which yet even now is gathering a crust of darkness1 blotting itself out and vanishing3 the sun that awakes a man from the sleep of death is the living ,sun that casts from his thought out into being that other sun1 with the space wherein it holds planetary court--the ,father of lights1 before whose shining in the inner world of truth eternal1 even the deeds of vice become as spectral dreams1 and1 with the night of godlessness that engendered them1 flee away4 ,but a man may answer and say to me--',thou art but borne on the wings of thine imagination4 ,the fact of the crime remains1 let a man tear out his heart in repentance1 and no awaking can restore an innocence which is indeed lost4' ,i answer3 ,the words thou speakest are in themselves true1 yet thy ignorance makes them false1 ,thou knowest not the power of ,god1 nor what resurrection from the dead means4 ,what if1 while it restored not thy former innocence1 it brought thee a purity by the side of whose white splendour and inward preciousness1 the innocence thou hadst lost was but a bauble1 being but a thing that turned to dross in the first furnace of its temptation8 ,innocence is indeed priceless--that innocence which ,god counteth innocence1 but thine was a flimsy show1 a bit of polished and cherished glass--instead of which1 if thou repentest1 thou shalt in thy jewel-box find a diamond4 ,is thy purity1 ,o fair ,psyche of the social world1 upon whose wings no spattering shower has yet cast an earthy stain1 and who knowest not yet whether there be any such thing as repentance or need of the same6--is thy purity to compare with the purity of that heavenly ,psyche1 twice born1 who even now in the twilight-slumbers of heaven1 dreams that she washes with her tears the feet of her ,lord1 and wipes them with the hairs of her head8 ,o bountiful ,god1 who wilt give us back even our innocence tenfold6 ,he can give an awaking that leaves the past of the soul ten times farther behind than ever waking from sleep left the dreams of the night4 ,if the potency of that awaking lay in the inrush of a new billow of life1 fresh from its original source1 carrying with it an enlargement of the whole nature and its every part1 a glorification of every faculty1 every sense even1 so that the man1 forgetting nothing of his past or its shame1 should yet cry out in the joy of his second birth3 ',lo6 ,i am a new man2 ,i am no more he who did that awful and evil thing1 for ,i am no more capable of doing it6 ,god be praised1 for all is well6'--would not such an awaking send the past afar into the dim distance of the first creation1 and wrap the ill deed in the clean linen cloth of forgiveness1 even as the dull creature of the sea rolls up the grain of intruding sand in the lovely garment of a pearl8 ,such an awaking means ,god himself in the soul1 not disdaining closest vital company with the creature he foresaw and created4 ,and the man knows in full content that he is healed of his plague4 ,nor would he willingly lose the scars which record its outbreak1 for they tell him what he is without ,god1 and set him ever looking to see that the door into the heavenly garden stands wide for ,god to enter the house when it pleases him4 ,and who can tell whether1 in the train of such an awaking1 may not follow a thousand opportunities and means of making amends to those whom he has injured8 ,nor must ,i fail to remind the man who has committed no grievous crime1 that except he has repented of his evil self1 and abjured all wrong1 he is not safe from any1 even the worst offence4 ,there was a time when ,i could not understand that he who loved not his brother was a murderer3 now ,i see it to be no figure of speech1 but1 in the realities of man's moral and spiritual nature1 an absolute simple fact4 ,the murderer and the unloving sit on the same bench before the judge of eternal truth4 ,the man who loves not his brother1 ,i do not say is at this moment capable of killing him1 but if the natural working of his unlove be not checked1 he will assuredly become capable of killing him4 ,until we love our brother1 yes1 until we love our enemy1 who is yet our brother1 we contain within ourselves the undeveloped germ of murder4 ,and so with every sin in the tables or out of the tables4 ,there is not one in this congregation who has a right to cast a look of reproach at the worst felon who ever sat in the prisoners' dock4 ,i speak no hyperbole1 but simple truth4 ,we are very ready to draw in our minds a distinction between respectable sins--human imperfections we call them1 perhaps--and disreputable vices1 such as theft and murder2 but there is no such distinction in fact4 ,many a thief is a better man than many a clergyman1 and miles nearer to the gate of the kingdom4 ,the heavenly order goes upon other principles than ours1 and there are first that shall be last1 and last that shall be first4 ,only1 at the root of all human bliss lies repentance4 ,come then at the call of the ,water1 the ,healer1 the ,giver of repentance and light1 the ,friend of publicans and sinners1 all ye on whom lies the weight of a sin1 or the gathered heap of a thousand crimes4 ,he came to call such as you1 that he might make you clear and clean4 ,he cannot bear that you should live on in such misery1 such badness1 such blackness of darkness4 ,he would give you again your life1 the bliss of your being4 ,he will not speak to you one word of reproach1 except indeed you should aim at justifying yourselves by accusing your neighbour4 ,he will leave it to those who cherish the same sins in their hearts to cast stones at you3 he who has no sin casts no stone4 ,heartily he loves you1 heartily he hates the evil in you--so heartily that he will even cast you into the fire to burn you clean4 ,by making you clean he will give you rest4 ,if he upbraid1 it will not be for past sin1 but for the present little faith1 holding out to him an acorn-cup to fill4 ,the rest of you keep aloof1 if you will1 until you shall have done some deed that compels you to cry out for deliverance2 but you that know yourselves sinners1 come to him that he may work in you his perfect work1 for he came not to call the righteous1 but sinners1 us1 you and me1 to repentance4 ,,end ,,of ,,the ,,second ,,volume4