,,the ,,physiology ,,of ,,marriage ,,third ,,part ,,by ,,honore ,,de ,,balzac ,,relating ,,to ,,civil ,,war4 ,lovely as the seraphs of ,klopstock1 ,terrible as the devils of ,milton4 --,,diderot4 ,,meditation ,,xxiii4 ,,of ,,manifestoes4 ,the ,preliminary precepts1 by which science has been enabled at this point to put weapons into the hand of a husband1 are few in number2 it is not of so much importance to know whether he will be vanquished1 as to examine whether he can offer any resistance in the conflict4 ,meanwhile1 we will set up here certain beacons to light up the arena where a husband is soon to find himself1 in alliance with religion and law1 engaged single-handed in a contest with his wife1 who is supported by her native craft and the whole usages of society as her allies4 ,,lxxxii4 ,anything may be expected and anything may be supposed of a woman who is in love4 ,,lxxxiii4 ,the actions of a woman who intends to deceive her husband are almost always the result of study1 but never dictated by reason4 ,,lxxxiv4 ,the greater number of women advance like the fleas1 by erratic leaps and bounds1 ,they owe their escape to the height or depth of their first ideas1 and any interruption of their plans rather favors their execution4 ,but they operate only within a narrow area which it is easy for the husband to make still narrower2 and if he keeps cool he will end by extinguishing this piece of living saltpetre4 ,,lxxxv4 ,a husband should never allow himself to address a single disparaging remark to his wife1 in presence of a third party4 ,,lxxxvi4 ,the moment a wife decides to break her marriage vow she reckons her husband as everything or nothing4 ,all defensive operations must start from this proposition4 ,,lxxxvii4 ,the life of a woman is either of the head1 of the heart1 or of passion4 ,when a woman reaches the age to form an estimate of life1 her husband ought to find out whether the primary cause of her intended infidelity proceeds from vanity1 from sentiment or from temperament4 ,temperament may be remedied like disease2 sentiment is something in which the husband may find great opportunities of success2 but vanity is incurable4 ,a woman whose life is of the head may be a terrible scourge4 ,she combines the faults of a passionate woman with those of the tender-hearted woman1 without having their palliations4 ,she is destitute alike of pity1 love1 virtue or sex4 ,,lxxxviii4 ,a woman whose life is of the head will strive to inspire her husband with indifference2 the woman whose life is of the heart1 with hatred2 the passionate woman1 with disgust4 ,,lxxxix4 ,a husband never loses anything by appearing to believe in the fidelity of his wife1 by preserving an air of patience and by keeping silence4 ,silence especially troubles a woman amazingly4 ,,xc4 ,to show himself aware of the passion of his wife is the mark of a fool2 but to affect ignorance of all proves that a man has sense1 and this is in fact the only attitude to take4 ,we are taught1 moreover1 that everybody in ,france is sensible4 ,,xci4 ,the rock most to be avoided is ridicule4--,at least1 let us be affectionate in public1 ought to be the maxim of a married establishment4 ,for both the married couple to lose honor1 esteem1 consideration1 respect and all that is worth living for in society1 is to become a nonentity4 ,these axioms relate to the contest alone4 ,as for the catastrophe1 others will be needed for that4 ,we have called this crisis ,civil ,war for two reasons2 never was a war more really intestine and at the same time so polite as this war4 ,but in what point and in what manner does this fatal war break out8 ,you do not believe that your wife will call out regiments and sound the trumpet1 do you8 ,she will1 perhaps1 have a commanding officer1 but that is all4 ,and this feeble army corps will be sufficient to destroy the peace of your establishment4 ,you forbid me to see the people that ,i like6 is an exordium which has served for a manifesto in most homes4 ,this phrase1 with all the ideas that are concomitant1 is oftenest employed by vain and artificial women4 ,the most usual manifesto is that which is proclaimed in the conjugal bed1 the principal theatre of war4 ,this subject will be treated in detail in the ,meditation entitled3 ,of ,various ,weapons1 in the paragraph1 ,of ,modesty in its ,connection with ,marriage4 ,certain women of a lymphatic temperament will pretend to have the spleen and will even feign death1 if they can only gain thereby the benefit of a secret divorce4 ,but most of them owe their independence to the execution of a plan1 whose effect upon the majority of husbands is unfailing and whose perfidies we will now reveal4 ,one of the greatest of human errors springs from the belief that our honor and our reputation are founded upon our actions1 or result from the approbation which the general conscience bestows upon on conduct4 ,a man who lives in the world is born to be a slave to public opinion4 ,now a private man in ,france has less opportunity of influencing the world than his wife1 although he has ample occasion for ridiculing it4 ,women possess to a marvelous degree the art of giving color by specious arguments to the recriminations in which they indulge4 ,they never set up any defence1 excepting when they are in the wrong1 and in this proceeding they are pre-eminent1 knowing how to oppose arguments by precedents1 proofs by assertions1 and thus they very often obtain victory in minor matters of detail4 ,they see and know with admirable penetration1 when one of them presents to another a weapon which she herself is forbidden to whet4 ,it is thus that they sometimes lose a husband without intending it4 ,they apply the match and long afterwards are terror-stricken at the conflagration4 ,as a general thing1 all women league themselves against a married man who is accused of tyranny2 for a secret tie unites them all1 as it unites all priests of the same religion4 ,they hate each other1 yet shield each other4 ,you can never gain over more than one of them2 and yet this act of seduction would be a triumph for your wife4 ,you are1 therefore1 outlawed from the feminine kingdom4 ,you see ironical smiles on every lip1 you meet an epigram in every answer4 ,these clever creatures force their daggers and amuse themselves by sculpturing the handle before dealing you a graceful blow4 ,the treacherous art of reservation1 the tricks of silence1 the malice of suppositions1 the pretended good nature of an inquiry1 all these arts are employed against you4 ,a man who undertakes to subjugate his wife is an example too dangerous to escape destruction from them1 for will not his conduct call up against them the satire of every husband8 ,moreover1 all of them will attack you1 either by bitter witticisms1 or by serious arguments1 or by the hackneyed maxims of gallantry4 ,a swarm of celibates will support all their sallies and you will be assailed and persecuted as an original1 a tyrant1 a bad bed-fellow1 an eccentric man1 a man not to be trusted4 ,your wife will defend you like the bear in the fable of ,la ,fontaine2 she will throw paving stones at your head to drive away the flies that alight on it4 ,she will tell you in the evening all the things that have been said about you1 and will ask an explanation of acts which you never committed1 and of words which you never said4 ,she professes to have justified you for faults of which you are innocent2 she has boasted of a liberty which she does not possess1 in order to clear you of the wrong which you have done in denying that liberty4 ,the deafening rattle which your wife shakes will follow you everywhere with its obtrusive din4 ,your darling will stun you1 will torture you1 meanwhile arming herself by making you feel only the thorns of married life4 ,she will greet you with a radiant smile in public1 and will be sullen at home4 ,she will be dull when you are merry1 and will make you detest her merriment when you are moody4 ,your two faces will present a perpetual contrast4 ,very few men have sufficient force of mind not to succumb to this preliminary comedy1 which is always cleverly played1 and resembles the hourra raised by the ,cossacks1 as they advance to battle4 ,many husbands become irritated and fall into irreparable mistakes4 ,others abandon their wives4 ,and1 indeed1 even those of superior intelligence do not know how to get hold of the enchanted ring1 by which to dispel this feminine phantasmagoria4 ,two-thirds of such women are enabled to win their independence by this single manoeuvre1 which is no more than a review of their forces4 ,in this case the war is soon ended4 ,but a strong man who courageously keeps cool throughout this first assault will find much amusement in laying bare to his wife1 in a light and bantering way1 the secret feelings which make her thus behave1 in following her step by step through the labyrinth which she treads1 and telling her in answer to her every remark1 that she is false to herself1 while he preserves throughout a tone of pleasantry and never becomes excited4 ,meanwhile war is declared1 and if her husband has not been dazzled by these first fireworks1 a woman has yet many other resources for securing her triumph2 and these it is the purpose of the following ,meditations to discover4 ,,meditation ,,xxiv4 ,,principles ,,of ,,strategy4 ,the ,archduke ,charles published a very fine treatise on military under the title ,principles of ,strategy in ,relation to the ,campaigns of #agif4 ,these principles seem somewhat to resemble poetic canons prepared for poems already published4 ,in these days we are become very much more energetic1 we invent rules to suit works and works to suit rules4 ,but of what use were ancient principles of military art in presence of the impetuous genius of ,napoleon8 ,if1 to-day1 however1 we reduce to a system the lessons taught by this great captain whose new tactics have destroyed the ancient ones1 what future guarantee do we possess that another ,napoleon will not yet be born8 ,books on military art meet1 with few exceptions1 the fate of ancient works on ,chemistry and ,physics4 ,everything is subject to change1 either constant or periodic4 ,this1 in a few words1 is the history of our work4 ,so long as we have been dealing with a woman who is inert or lapped in slumber1 nothing has been easier than to weave the meshes with which we have bound her2 but the moment she wakes up and begins to struggle1 all is confusion and complication4 ,if a husband would make an effort to recall the principles of the system which we have just described in order to involve his wife in the nets which our second part has set for her1 he would resemble ,wurmser1 ,mack and ,beaulieu arranging their halts and their marches while ,napoleon nimbly turns their flank1 and makes use of their own tactics to destroy them4 ,this is just what your wife will do4 ,how is it possible to get at the truth when each of you conceals it under the same lie1 each setting the same trap for the other8 ,and whose will be the victory when each of you is caught in a similar snare8 ,my dear1 ,i have to go out2 ,i have to pay a visit to ,madame ,so and ,so4 ,i have ordered the carriage4 ,would you like to come with me8 ,come1 be good1 and go with your wife4 ,you say to yourself3 ,she would be nicely caught if ,i consented6 ,she asks me only to be refused4 ,then you reply to her3 ,just at the moment ,i have some business with ,monsieur ,blank1 for he has to give a report in a business matter which deeply concerns us both1 and ,i must absolutely see him4 ,then ,i must go to the ,minister of ,finance4 ,so your arrangement will suit us both4 ,very well1 dearest1 go and dress yourself1 while ,celine finishes dressing me2 but don't keep me waiting4 ,i am ready now1 love1 you cry out1 at the end of ten minutes1 as you stand shaved and dressed4 ,but all is changed4 ,a letter has arrived2 madame is not well2 her dress fits badly2 the dressmaker has come2 if it is not the dressmaker it is your mother4 ,ninety-nine out of a hundred husbands will leave the house satisfied1 believing that their wives are well guarded1 when1 as a matter of fact1 the wives have gotten rid of them4 ,a lawful wife who from her husband cannot escape1 who is not distressed by pecuniary anxiety1 and who in order to give employment to a vacant mind1 examines night and day the changing tableaux of each day's experience1 soon discovers the mistake she has made in falling into a trap or allowing herself to be surprised by a catastrophe2 she will then endeavor to turn all these weapons against you4 ,there is a man in society1 the sight of whom is strangely annoying to your wife2 she can tolerate neither his tone1 his manners nor his way of regarding things4 ,everything connected with him is revolting to her2 she is persecuted by him1 he is odious to her2 she hopes that no one will tell him this4 ,it seems almost as if she were attempting to oppose you2 for this man is one for whom you have the highest esteem4 ,you like his disposition because he flatters you2 and thus your wife presumes that your esteem for him results from flattered vanity4 ,when you give a ball1 an evening party or a concert1 there is almost a discussion on this subject1 and madame picks a quarrel with you1 because you are compelling her to see people who are not agreeable to her4 ,at least1 sir1 ,i shall never have to reproach myself with omitting to warn you4 ,that man will yet cause you trouble4 ,you should put some confidence in women when they pass sentence on the character of a man4 ,and permit me to tell you that this baron1 for whom you have such a predilection1 is a very dangerous person1 and you are doing very wrong to bring him to your house4 ,and this is the way you behave2 you absolutely force me to see one whom ,i cannot tolerate1 and if ,i ask you to invite ,monsieur ,a-----1 you refuse to do so1 because you think that ,i like to have him with me6 ,i admit that he talks well1 that he is kind and amiable2 but you are more to me than he can ever be4 ,these rude outlines of feminine tactics1 which are emphasized by insincere gestures1 by looks of feigned ingenuousness1 by artful intonations of the voice and even by the snare of cunning silence1 are characteristic to some degree of their whole conduct4 ,there are few husbands who in such circumstances as these do not form the idea of setting a mouse-trap2 they welcome as their guests both ,monsieur ,a----- and the imaginary baron who represents the person whom their wives abhor1 and they do so in the hope of discovering a lover in the celibate who is apparently beloved4 ,oh yes1 ,i have often met in the world young men who were absolutely starlings in love and complete dupes of a friendship which women pretended to show them1 women who felt themselves obliged to make a diversion and to apply a blister to their husbands as their husbands had previously done to them6 ,these poor innocents pass their time in running errands1 in engaging boxes at the theatre1 in riding in the ,bois de ,boulogne by the carriages of their pretended mistresses2 they are publicly credited with possessing women whose hands they have not even kissed4 ,vanity prevents them from contradicting these flattering rumors1 and like the young priests who celebrate masses without a ,host1 they enjoy a mere show passion1 and are veritable supernumeraries of love4 ,under these circumstances sometimes a husband on returning home asks the porter3 ,has no one been here8--,m4 le ,baron came past at two o'clock to see monsieur2 but as he found no one was in but madame he went away2 but ,monsieur ,a----- is with her now4 ,you reach the drawing-room1 you see there a young celibate1 sprightly1 scented1 wearing a fine necktie1 in short a perfect dandy4 ,he is a man who holds you in high esteem2 when he comes to your house your wife listens furtively for his footsteps2 at a ball she always dances with him4 ,if you forbid her to see him1 she makes a great outcry and it is not till many years afterwards see ,meditation on ,las ,symptoms that you see the innocence of ,monsieur ,a----- and the culpability of the baron4 ,we have observed and noted as one of the cleverest manoeuvres1 that of a young woman who1 carried away by an irresistible passion1 exhibited a bitter hatred to the man she did not love1 but lavished upon her lover secret intimations of her love4 ,the moment that her husband was persuaded that she loved the ,cicisbeo and hated the ,patito1 she arranged that she and the ,patito should be found in a situation whose compromising character she had calculated in advance1 and her husband and the execrated celibate were thus induced to believe that her love and her aversion were equally insincere4 ,when she had brought her husband into the condition of perplexity1 she managed that a passionate letter should fall into his hands4 ,one evening in the midst of the admirable catastrophe which she had thus brought to a climax1 madame threw herself at her husband's feet1 wet them with her tears1 and thus concluded the climax to her own satisfaction4 ,i esteem and honor you profoundly1 she cried1 for keeping your own counsel as you have done4 ,i am in love6 ,is this a sentiment which is easy for me to repress8 ,but what ,i can do is to confess the fact to you2 to implore you to protect me from myself1 to save me from my own folly4 ,be my master and be a stern master to me2 take me away from this place1 remove me from what has caused all this trouble1 console me2 ,i will forget him1 ,i desire to do so4 ,i do not wish to betray you4 ,i humbly ask your pardon for the treachery love has suggested to me4 ,yes1 ,i confess to you that the love which ,i pretended to have for my cousin was a snare set to deceive you4 ,i love him with the love of friendship and no more4--,oh6 forgive me6 ,i can love no one but--her voice was choked in passionate sobs--,oh6 let us go away1 let us leave ,paris6 ,she began to weep2 her hair was disheveled1 her dress in disarray2 it was midnight1 and her husband forgave her4 ,from henceforth1 the cousin made his appearance without risk1 and the ,minotaur devoured one victim more4 ,what instructions can we give for contending with such adversaries as these8 ,their heads contain all the diplomacy of the congress of ,vienna2 they have as much power when they are caught as when they escape4 ,what man has a mind supple enough to lay aside brute force and strength and follow his wife through such mazes as these8 ,to make a false plea every moment1 in order to elicit the truth1 a true plea in order to unmask falsehood2 to charge the battery when least expected1 and to spike your gun at the very moment of firing it2 to scale the mountain with the enemy1 in order to descend to the plain again five minutes later2 to accompany the foe in windings as rapid1 as obscure as those of a plover on the breezes2 to obey when obedience is necessary1 and to oppose when resistance is inertial2 to traverse the whole scale of hypotheses as a young artist with one stroke runs from the lowest to the highest note of his piano2 to divine at last the secret purpose on which a woman is bent2 to fear her caresses and to seek rather to find out what are the thoughts that suggested them and the pleasure which she derived from them--this is mere child's pay for the man of intellect and for those lucid and searching imaginations which possess the gift of doing and thinking at the same time4 ,but there are a vast number of husbands who are terrified at the mere idea of putting in practice these principles in their dealings with a woman4 ,such men as these prefer passing their lives in making huge efforts to become second-class chess-players1 or to pocket adroitly a ball in billiards4 ,some of them will tell you that they are incapable of keeping their minds on such a constant strain and breaking up the habits of their life4 ,in that case the woman triumphs4 ,she recognizes that in mind and energy she is her husband's superior1 although the superiority may be but temporary2 and yet there rises in her a feeling of contempt for the head of the house4 ,if many man fail to be masters in their own house this is not from lack of willingness1 but of talent4 ,as for those who are ready to undergo the toils of this terrible duel1 it is quite true that they must needs possess great moral force4 ,and really1 as soon as it is necessary to display all the resources of this secret strategy1 it is often useless to attempt setting any traps for these satanic creatures4 ,once women arrive at a point when they willfully deceive1 their countenances become as inscrutable as vacancy4 ,here is an example which came within my own experience4 ,a very young1 very pretty1 and very clever coquette of ,paris had not yet risen4 ,seated by her bed was one of her dearest friends4 ,a letter arrived from another1 a very impetuous fellow1 to whom she had allowed the right of speaking to her like a master4 ,the letter was in pencil and ran as follows3 ,i understand that ,monsieur ,c----- is with you at this moment4 ,i am waiting for him to blow his brains out4 ,madame ,d----- calmly continued the conversation with ,monsieur ,c-----4 ,she asked him to hand her a little writing desk of red leather which stood on the table1 and he brought it to her4 ,thanks1 my dear1 she said to him2 go on talking1 ,i am listening to you4 ,c----- talked away and she replied1 all the while writing the following note3 ,as soon as you become jealous of ,c----- you two can blow out each other's brains at your pleasure4 ,as for you1 you may die2 but brains --you haven't any brains to blow out4 ,my dear friend1 she said to ,c-----1 ,i beg you will light this candle4 ,good1 you are charming4 ,and now be kind enough to leave me and let me get up1 and give this letter to ,monsieur d',h-----1 who is waiting at the door4 ,all this was said with admirable coolness4 ,the tones and intonations of her voice1 the expression of her face showed no emotion4 ,her audacity was crowned with complete success4 ,on receiving the answer from the hand of ,monsieur ,c-----1 ,monsieur d',h----- felt his wrath subside4 ,he was troubled with only one thing and that was how to disguise his inclination to laugh4 ,the more torch-light one flings into the immense cavern which we are now trying to illuminate1 the more profound it appears4 ,it is a bottomless abyss4 ,it appears to us that our task will be accomplished more agreeably and more instructively if we show the principles of strategy put into practice in the case of a woman1 when she has reached a high degree of vicious accomplishment4 ,an example suggests more maxims and reveals the existence of more methods than all possible theories4 ,one day at the end of a dinner given to certain intimate friends by ,prince ,lebrun1 the guests1 heated by champagne1 were discussing the inexhaustible subject of feminine artifice4 ,the recent adventure which was credited to the ,countess ,r4 ,d4 ,s4 ,j4 ,d4 ,a-----1 apropos of a necklace1 was the subject first broached4 ,a highly esteemed artist1 a gifted friend of the emperor1 was vigorously maintaining the opinion1 which seemed somewhat unmanly1 that it was forbidden to a man to resist successfully the webs woven by a woman4 ,it is my happy experience1 he said1 that to them nothing is sacred4 ,the ladies protested4 ,but ,i can cite an instance in point4 ,it is an exception6 ,let us hear the story1 said a young lady4 ,yes1 tell it to us1 cried all the guests4 ,the prudent old gentleman cast his eyes around1 and1 after having formed his conclusions as to the age of the ladies1 smiled and said3 ,since we are all experienced in life1 ,i consent to relate the adventure4 ,dead silence followed1 and the narrator read the following from a little book which he had taken from his pocket3 ,i was head over ears in love with the ,comtesse de -----4 ,i was twenty and ,i was ingenuous4 ,she deceived me4 ,i was angry2 she threw me over4 ,i was ingenuous1 ,i repeat1 and ,i was grieved to lose her4 ,i was twenty2 she forgave me4 ,and as ,i was twenty1 as ,i was always ingenuous1 always deceived1 but never again thrown over by her1 ,i believed myself to have been the best beloved of lovers1 consequently the happiest of men4 ,the countess had a friend1 ,madame de ,t-----1 who seemed to have some designs on me1 but without compromising her dignity2 for she was scrupulous and respected the proprieties4 ,one day while ,i was waiting for the countess in her ,opera box1 ,i heard my name called from a contiguous box4 ,it was ,madame de ,t-----4 ,what1 she said1 already here8 ,is this fidelity or merely a want of something to do8 ,won't you come to me8 ,her voice and her manner had a meaning in them1 but ,i was far from inclined at that moment to indulge in a romance4 ,have you any plans for this evening8 she said to me4 ,don't make any6 ,if ,i cheer your tedious solitude you ought to be devoted to me4 ,don't ask any questions1 but obey4 ,call my servants4 ,i answered with a bow and on being requested to leave the ,opera box1 ,i obeyed4 ,go to this gentleman's house1 she said to the lackey4 ,say he will not be home till to-morrow4 ,she made a sign to him1 he went to her1 she whispered in his ear1 and he left us4 ,the ,opera began4 ,i tried to venture on a few words1 but she silenced me2 some one might be listening4 ,the first act ended1 the lackey brought back a note1 and told her that everything was ready4 ,then she smiled1 asked for my hand1 took me off1 put me in her carriage1 and ,i started on my journey quite ignorant of my destination4 ,every inquiry ,i made was answered by a peal of laughter4 ,if ,i had not been aware that this was a woman of great passion1 that she had long loved the ,marquis de ,v-----1 that she must have known ,i was aware of it1 ,i should have believed myself in good luck2 but she knew the condition of my heart1 and the ,comtesse de -----4 ,i therefore rejected all presumptuous ideas and bided my time4 ,at the first stop1 a change of horses was supplied with the swiftness of lightning and we started afresh4 ,the matter was becoming serious4 ,i asked with some insistency1 where this joke was to end4 ,where8 she said1 laughing4 ,in the pleasantest place in the world1 but can't you guess8 ,i'll give you a thousand chances4 ,give it up1 for you will never guess4 ,we are going to my husband's house4 ,do you know him8 ,not in the least4 ,so much the better1 ,i thought you didn't4 ,but ,i hope you will like him4 ,we have lately become reconciled4 ,negotiations went on for six months2 and we have been writing to one another for a month4 ,i think it is very kind of me to go and look him up4 ,it certainly is1 but what am ,i going to do there8 ,what good will ,i be in this reconciliation8 ,ah1 that is my business4 ,you are young1 amiable1 unconventional2 you suit me and will save me from the tediousness of a tete-a-tete4 ,but it seems odd to me1 to choose the day or the night of a reconciliation to make us acquainted2 the awkwardness of the first interview1 the figure all three of us will cut1--,i don't see anything particularly pleasant in that4 ,i have taken possession of you for my own amusement6 she said with an imperious air1 so please don't preach4 ,i saw she was decided1 so surrendered myself to circumstances4 ,i began to laugh at my predicament and we became exceedingly merry4 ,we again changed horses4 ,the mysterious torch of night lit up a sky of extreme clearness and shed around a delightful twilight4 ,we were approaching the spot where our tete-a-tete must end4 ,she pointed out to me at intervals the beauty of the landscape1 the tranquillity of the night1 the all-pervading silence of nature4 ,in order to admire these things in company as it was natural we should1 we turned to the same window and our faces touched for a moment4 ,in a sudden shock she seized my hand1 and by a chance which seemed to me extraordinary1 for the stone over which our carriage had bounded could not have been very large1 ,i found ,madame de ,t----- in my arms4 ,i do not know what we were trying to see2 what ,i am sure of is that the objects before our eyes began in spite of the full moon to grow misty1 when suddenly ,i was released from her weight1 and she sank into the back cushions of the carriage4 ,your object1 she said1 rousing herself from a deep reverie1 is possibly to convince me of the imprudence of this proceeding4 ,judge1 therefore1 of my embarrassment6 ,my object6 ,i replied1 what object can ,i have with regard to you8 ,what a delusion6 ,you look very far ahead2 but of course the sudden surprise or turn of chance may excuse anything4 ,you have counted1 then1 upon that chance1 it seems to me8 ,we had reached our destination1 and before we were aware of it1 we had entered the court of the chateau4 ,the whole place was brightly lit up4 ,everything wore a festal air1 excepting the face of its master1 who at the sight of me seemed anything but delighted4 ,he came forward and expressed in somewhat hesitating terms the tenderness proper to the occasion of a reconciliation4 ,i understood later on that this reconciliation was absolutely necessary from family reasons4 ,i was presented to him and was coldly greeted4 ,he extended his hand to his wife1 and ,i followed the two1 thinking of my part in the past1 in the present and in the future4 ,i passed through apartments decorated with exquisite taste4 ,the master in this respect had gone beyond all the ordinary refinement of luxury1 in the hope of reanimating1 by the influence of voluptuous imagery1 a physical nature that was dead4 ,not knowing what to say1 ,i took refuge in expressions of admiration4 ,the goddess of the temple1 who was quite ready to do the honors1 accepted my compliments4 ,you have not seen anything1 she said4 ,i must take you to the apartments of my husband4 ,madame1 five years ago ,i caused them to be pulled down4 ,oh6 ,indeed6 said she4 ,at the dinner1 what must she do but offer the master some fish1 on which he said to her3 ,madame1 ,i have been living on milk for the last three years4 ,oh6 ,indeed6 she said again4 ,can any one imagine three human beings as astonished as we were to find ourselves gathered together8 ,the husband looked at me with a supercilious air1 and ,i paid him back with a look of audacity4 ,madame de ,t----- smiled at me and was charming to me2 ,monsieur de ,t----- accepted me as a necessary evil4 ,never in all my life have ,i taken part in a dinner which was so odd as that4 ,the dinner ended1 ,i thought that we would go to bed early--that is1 ,i thought that ,monsieur de ,t----- would4 ,as we entered the drawing-room3 ,i appreciate1 madame1 said he1 your precaution in bringing this gentleman with you4 ,you judged rightly that ,i should be but poor company for the evening1 and you have done well1 for ,i am going to retire4 ,then turning to me1 he added in a tone of profound sarcasm3 ,you will please to pardon me1 and obtain also pardon from madame4 ,he left us4 ,my reflections8 ,well1 the reflections of a twelvemonth were then comprised in those of a minute4 ,when we were left alone1 ,madame de ,t----- and ,i1 we looked at each other so curiously that1 in order to break through the awkwardness1 she proposed that we should take a turn on the terrace while we waited1 as she said1 until the servants had supped4 ,it was a superb night4 ,it was scarcely possible to discern surrounding objects1 they seemed to be covered with a veil1 that imagination might be permitted to take a loftier flight4 ,the gardens1 terraced on the side of a mountain1 sloped down1 platform after platform1 to the banks of the ,seine1 and the eye took in the many windings of the stream covered with islets green and picturesque4 ,these variations in the landscape made up a thousand pictures which gave to the spot1 naturally charming1 a thousand novel features4 ,we walked along the most extensive of these terraces1 which was covered with a thick umbrage of trees4 ,she had recovered from the effects of her husband's persiflage1 and as we walked along she gave me her confidence4 ,confidence begets confidence1 and as ,i told her mine1 all she said to me became more intimate and more interesting4 ,madame de ,t----- at first gave me her arm2 but soon this arm became interlaced in mine1 ,i know not how1 but in some way almost lifted her up and prevented her from touching the ground4 ,the position was agreeable1 but became at last fatiguing4 ,we had been walking for a long time and we still had much to say to each other4 ,a bank of turf appeared and she sat down without withdrawing her arm4 ,and in this position we began to sound the praises of mutual confidence1 its charms and its delights4 ,ah6 she said to me1 who can enjoy it more than we and with less cause of fear8 ,i know well the tie that binds you to another1 and therefore have nothing to fear4 ,perhaps she wished to be contradicted4 ,but ,i answered not a word4 ,we were then mutually persuaded that it was possible for us to be friends without fear of going further4 ,but ,i was afraid1 however1 ,i said1 that that sudden jolt in the carriage and the surprising consequences may have frightened you4 ,oh1 ,i am not so easily alarmed6 ,i fear it has left a little cloud on your mind8 ,what must ,i do to reassure you8 ,give me the kiss here which chance-- ,i will gladly do so2 for if ,i do not1 your vanity will lead you to think that ,i fear you4 ,i took the kiss4 ,it is with kisses as with confidences1 the first leads to another4 ,they are multiplied1 they interrupt conversation1 they take its place2 they scarce leave time for a sigh to escape4 ,silence followed4 ,we could hear it1 for silence may be heard4 ,we rose without a word and began to walk again4 ,we must go in1 said she1 for the air of the river is icy1 and it is not worth while-- ,i think to go in would be more dangerous1 ,i answered4 ,perhaps so6 ,never mind1 we will go in4 ,why1 is this out of consideration for me8 ,you wish doubtless to save me from the impressions which ,i may receive from such a walk as this --the consequences which may result4 ,is it for me--for me only--8 ,you are modest1 she said smiling1 and you credit me with singular consideration4 ,do you think so8 ,well1 since you take it in this way1 we will go in2 ,i demand it4 ,a stupid proposition1 when made by two people who are forcing themselves to say something utterly different from what they think4 ,then she compelled me to take the path that led back to the chateau4 ,i do not know1 at least ,i did not then know1 whether this course was one which she forced upon herself1 whether it was the result of a vigorous resolution1 or whether she shared my disappointment in seeing an incident which had begun so well thus suddenly brought to a close but by a mutual instinct our steps slackened and we pursued our way gloomily dissatisfied the one with the other and with ourselves4 ,we knew not the why and the wherefore of what we were doing4 ,neither of us had the right to demand or even to ask anything4 ,we had neither of us any ground for uttering a reproach4 ,o that we had got up a quarrel6 ,but how could ,i pick one with her8 ,meanwhile we drew nearer and nearer1 thinking how we might evade the duty which we had so awkwardly imposed upon ourselves4 ,we reached the door1 when ,madame de ,t----- said to me3 ,i am angry with you6 ,after the confidences ,i have given you1 not to give me a single one6 ,you have not said a word about the countess4 ,and yet it is so delightful to speak of the one we love6 ,i should have listened with such interest6 ,it was the very best ,i could do after ,i had taken you away from her6 ,cannot ,i reproach you with the same thing8 ,i said1 interrupting her1 and if instead of making me a witness to this singular reconciliation in which ,i play so odd a part1 you had spoken to me of the marquis-- ,stop1 she said1 little as you know of women1 you are aware that their confidences must be waited for1 not asked4 ,but to return to yourself4 ,are you very happy with my friend8 ,ah6 ,i fear the contrary-- ,why1 madame1 should everything that the public amuses itself by saying claim our belief8 ,you need not dissemble4 ,the countess makes less a mystery of things than you do4 ,women of her stamp do not keep the secrets of their loves and of their lovers1 especially when you are prompted by discretion to conceal her triumph4 ,i am far from accusing her of coquetry2 but a prude has as much vanity as a coquette4--,come1 tell me frankly1 have you not cause of complaint against her8 ,but1 madame1 the air is really too icy for us to stay here4 ,would you like to go in8 said ,i with a smile4 ,do you find it so8--,that is singular4 ,the air is quite warm4 ,she had taken my arm again1 and we continued to walk1 although ,i did not know the direction which we took4 ,all that she had hinted at concerning the lover of the countess1 concerning my mistress1 together with this journey1 the incident which took place in the carriage1 our conversation on the grassy bank1 the time of night1 the moonlight--all made me feel anxious4 ,i was at the same time carried along by vanity1 by desire1 and so distracted by thought1 that ,i was too excited perhaps to take notice of all that ,i was experiencing4 ,and1 while ,i was overwhelmed with these mingled feelings1 she continued talking to me of the countess1 and my silence confirmed the truth of all that she chose to say about her4 ,nevertheless1 certain passages in her talk recalled me to myself4 ,what an exquisite creature she is6 she was saying4 ,how graceful6 ,on her lips the utterances of treachery sound like witticism2 an act of infidelity seems the prompting of reason1 a sacrifice to propriety2 while she is never reckless1 she is always lovable2 she is seldom tender and never sincere2 amorous by nature1 prudish on principle2 sprightly1 prudent1 dexterous though utterly thoughtless1 varied as ,proteus in her moods1 but charming as the ,graces in her manner2 she attracts but she eludes4 ,what a number of parts ,i have seen her play6 ,entre nous1 what a number of dupes hang round her6 ,what fun she has made of the baron1 what a life she has led the marquis6 ,when she took you1 it was merely for the purpose of throwing the two rivals off the scent2 they were on the point of a rupture2 for she had played with them too long1 and they had had time to see through her4 ,but she brought you on the scene4 ,their attention was called to you1 she led them to redouble their pursuit1 she was in despair over you1 she pitied you1 she consoled you-- ,ah6 how happy is a clever woman when in such a game as this she professes to stake nothing of her own6 ,but yet1 is this true happiness8 ,this last phrase1 accompanied by a significant sigh1 was a master-stroke4 ,i felt as if a bandage had fallen from my eyes1 without seeing who had put it there4 ,my mistress appeared to me the falsest of women1 and ,i believed that ,i held now the only sensible creature in the world4 ,then ,i sighed without knowing why4 ,she seemed grieved at having given me pain and at having in her excitement drawn a picture1 the truth of which might be open to suspicion1 since it was the work of a woman4 ,i do not know how ,i answered2 for without realizing the drift of all ,i heard1 ,i set out with her on the high road of sentiment1 and we mounted to such lofty heights of feeling that it was impossible to guess what would be the end of our journey4 ,it was fortunate that we also took the path towards a pavilion which she pointed out to me at the end of the terrace1 a pavilion1 the witness of many sweet moments4 ,she described to me the furnishing of it4 ,what a pity that she had not the key6 ,as she spoke we reached the pavilion and found that it was open4 ,the clearness of the moonlight outside did not penetrate1 but darkness has many charms4 ,we trembled as we went in4 ,it was a sanctuary4 ,might it not be the sanctuary of love8 ,we drew near a sofa and sat down1 and there we remained a moment listening to our heart-beats4 ,the last ray of the moon carried away the last scruple4 ,the hand which repelled me felt my heart beat4 ,she struggled to get away1 but fell back overcome with tenderness4 ,we talked together through that silence in the language of thought4 ,nothing is more rapturous than these mute conversations4 ,madame de ,t----- took refuge in my arms1 hid her head in my bosom1 sighed and then grew calm under my caresses4 ,she grew melancholy1 she was consoled1 and she asked of love all that love had robbed her of4 ,the sound of the river broke the silence of night with a gentle murmur1 which seemed in harmony with the beating of our hearts4 ,such was the darkness of the place it was scarcely possible to discern objects2 but through the transparent crepe of a fair summer's night1 the queen of that lovely place seemed to me adorable4 ,oh6 she said to me with an angelic voice1 let us leave this dangerous spot4 ,resistance here is beyond our strength4 ,she drew me away and we left the pavilion with regret4 ,ah6 how happy is she6 cried ,madame de ,t-----4 ,whom do you mean8 ,i asked4 ,did ,i speak8 said she with a look of alarm4 ,and then we reached the grassy bank1 and stopped there involuntarily4 ,what a distance there is1 she said to me1 between this place and the pavilion6 ,yes indeed1 said ,i4 ,but must this bank be always ominous8 ,is there a regret8 ,is there--8 ,i do not know by what magic it took place2 but at this point the conversation changed and became less serious4 ,she ventured even to speak playfully of the pleasures of love1 to eliminate from them all moral considerations1 to reduce them to their simplest elements1 and to prove that the favors of lovers were mere pleasure1 that there were no pledges--philosophically speaking--excepting those which were given to the world1 when we allowed it to penetrate our secrets and joined it in the acts of indiscretion4 ,how mild is the night1 she said1 which we have by chance picked out6 ,well1 if there are reasons1 as ,i suppose there are1 which compel us to part to-morrow1 our happiness1 ignored as it is by all nature1 will not leave us any ties to dissolve4 ,there will1 perhaps1 be some regrets1 the pleasant memory of which will give us reparation2 and then there will be a mutual understanding1 without all the delays1 the fuss and the tyranny of legal proceedings4 ,we are such machines--and ,i blush to avow it--that in place of all the shrinkings that tormented me before this scene took place1 ,i was half inclined to embrace the boldness of these principles1 and ,i felt already disposed to indulge in the love of liberty4 ,this beautiful night1 she continued1 this lovely scenery at this moment have taken on fresh charms4 ,o let us never forget this pavilion6 ,the chateau1 she added smilingly1 contains a still more charming place1 but ,i dare not show you anything2 you are like a child1 who wishes to touch everything and breaks everything that he touches4 ,moved by a sentiment of curiosity ,i protested that ,i was a very good child4 ,she changed the subject4 ,this night1 she said1 would be for me without a regret if ,i were not vexed with myself for what ,i said to you about the countess4 ,not that ,i wish to find fault with you4 ,novelty attracts me4 ,you have found me amiable1 ,i should like to believe in your good faith4 ,but the dominion of habit takes a long time to break through and ,i have not learned the secret of doing this--,by the bye1 what do you think of my husband8 ,well1 he is rather cross1 but ,i suppose he could not be otherwise to me4 ,oh1 that is true1 but his way of life isn't pleasant1 and he could not see you here with indifference4 ,he might be suspicious even of our friendship4 ,oh6 he is so already4 ,confess that he has cause4 ,therefore you must not prolong this visit2 he might take it amiss4 ,as soon as any one arrives-- and she added with a smile1 some one is going to arrive--you must go4 ,you have to keep up appearance1 you know4 ,remember his manner when he left us to-night4 ,i was tempted to interpret this adventure as a trap1 but as she noticed the impression made by her words1 she added3 ,oh1 he was very much gayer when he was superintending the arrangement of the cabinet ,i told you about4 ,that was before my marriage4 ,this passage leads to my apartment4 ,alas6 it testifies to the cunning artifices to which ,monsieur de ,t----- has resorted in protecting his love for me4 ,how pleasant it would be1 ,i said to her1 keenly excited by the curiosity she had roused in me1 to take vengeance in this spot for the insults which your charms have suffered1 and to seek to make restitution for the pleasures of which you have been robbed4 ,she doubtless thought this remark in good taste1 but she said3 ,you promised to be good6 99 99 99 99 99 ,i threw a veil over the follies which every age will pardon to youth1 on the ground of so many balked desires and bitter memories4 ,in the morning1 scarcely raising her liquid eyes1 ,madame de ,t-----1 fairer than ever1 said to me3 ,now will you ever love the countess as much as you do me8 ,i was about to answer when her maid1 her confidante1 appeared saying3 ,you must go4 ,it is broad daylight1 eleven o'clock1 and the chateau is already awake4 ,all had vanished like a dream6 ,i found myself wandering through the corridors before ,i had recovered my senses4 ,how could ,i regain my apartment1 not knowing where it was8 ,any mistake might bring about an exposure4 ,i resolved on a morning walk4 ,the coolness of the fresh air gradually tranquilized my imagination and brought me back to the world of reality2 and now instead of a world of enchantment ,i saw myself in my soul1 and my thoughts were no longer disturbed but followed each other in connected order2 in fact1 ,i breathed once more4 ,i was1 above all things1 anxious to learn what ,i was to her so lately left--,i who knew that she had been desperately in love with the ,marquis de ,v-----4 ,could she have broken with him8 ,had she taken me to be his successor1 or only to punish him8 ,what a night6 ,what an adventure6 ,yes1 and what a delightful woman6 ,while ,i floated on the waves of these thoughts1 ,i heard a sound near at hand4 ,i raised my eyes1 ,i rubbed them1 ,i could not believe my senses4 ,can you guess who it was8 ,the ,marquis de ,v-----6 ,you did not expect to see me so early1 did you8 he said4 ,how has it all gone off8 ,did you know that ,i was here8 ,i asked in utter amazement4 ,oh1 yes1 ,i received word just as you left ,paris4 ,have you played your part well8 ,did not the husband think your visit ridiculous8 ,was he put out8 ,when are you going to take leave8 ,you had better go1 ,i have made every provision for you4 ,i have brought you a good carriage4 ,it is at your service4 ,this is the way ,i requite you1 my dear friend4 ,you may rely on me in the future1 for a man is grateful for such services as yours4 ,these last words gave me the key to the whole mystery1 and ,i saw how ,i stood4 ,but why should you have come so soon8 ,i asked him2 it would have been more prudent to have waited a few days4 ,i foresaw that2 and it is only chance that has brought me here4 ,i am supposed to be on my way back from a neighboring country house4 ,but has not ,madame de ,t----- taken you into her secret8 ,i am surprised at her want of confidence1 after all you have done for us4 ,my dear friend1 ,i replied1 she doubtless had her reasons4 ,perhaps ,i did not play my part very well4 ,has everything been very pleasant8 ,tell me the particulars2 come1 tell me4 ,now wait a moment4 ,i did not know that this was to be a comedy2 and although ,madame de ,t----- gave me a part in the play-- ,it wasn't a very nice one4 ,do not worry yourself2 there are no bad parts for good actors4 ,i understand1 you acquitted yourself well4 ,admirably4 ,and ,madame de ,t-----8 ,is adorable4 ,to think of being able to win such a woman6 said he1 stopping short in our walk1 and looking triumphantly at me4 ,oh1 what pains ,i have taken with her6 ,and ,i have at last brought her to a point where she is perhaps the only woman in ,paris on whose fidelity a man may infallibly count6 ,you have succeeded--8 ,yes2 in that lies my special talent4 ,her inconstancy was mere frivolity1 unrestrained imagination4 ,it was necessary to change that disposition of hers1 but you have no idea of her attachment to me4 ,but really1 is she not charming8 ,i quite agree with you4 ,and yet entre nous ,i recognize one fault in her4 ,nature in giving her everything1 has denied her that flame divine which puts the crown on all other endowments2 while she rouses in others the ardor of passion1 she feels none herself1 she is a thing of marble4 ,i am compelled to believe you1 for ,i have had no opportunity of judging1 but do you think that you know that woman as well as if you were her husband8 ,it is possible to be deceived4 ,if ,i had not dined yesterday with the veritable--,i should take you-- ,by the way1 has he been good8 ,oh1 ,i was received like a dog6 ,i understand4 ,let us go in1 let us look for ,madame de ,t-----4 ,she must be up by this time4 ,but should we not out of decency begin with the husband8 ,i said to him4 ,you are right4 ,let us go to your room1 ,i wish to put on a little powder4 ,but tell me1 did he really take you for her lover8 ,you may judge by the way he receives me2 but let us go at once to his apartment4 ,i wished to avoid having to lead him to an apartment whose whereabouts ,i did not know2 but by chance we found it4 ,the door was open and there ,i saw my valet de chambre asleep on an armchair4 ,a candle was going out on a table beside him4 ,he drowsily offered a night robe to the marquis4 ,i was on pins and needles2 but the marquis was in a mood to be easily deceived1 took the man for a mere sleepy-head1 and made a joke of the matter4 ,we passed on to the apartment of ,monsieur de ,t-----4 ,there was no misunderstanding the reception which he accorded me1 and the welcome1 the compliments which he addressed to the marquis1 whom he almost forced to stay4 ,he wished to take him to madame in order that she might insist on his staying4 ,as for me1 ,i received no such invitation4 ,i was reminded that my health was delicate1 the country was damp1 fever was in the air1 and ,i seemed so depressed that the chateau would prove too gloomy for me4 ,the marquis offered me his chaise and ,i accepted it4 ,the husband seemed delighted and we were all satisfied4 ,but ,i could not refuse myself the pleasure of seeing ,madame de ,t----- once more4 ,my impatience was wonderful4 ,my friend conceived no suspicions from the late sleep of his mistress4 ,isn't this fine8 he said to me as we followed ,monsieur de ,t-----4 ,he couldn't have spoken more kindly if she had dictated his words4 ,he is a fine fellow4 ,i am not in the least annoyed by this reconciliation2 they will make a good home together1 and you will agree with me1 that he could not have chosen a wife better able to do the honors4 ,certainly1 ,i replied4 ,however pleasant the adventure has been1 he went on with an air of mystery1 you must be off6 ,i will let ,madame de ,t----- understand that her secret will be well kept4 ,on that point1 my friend1 she perhaps counts more on me than on you2 for you see her sleep is not disturbed by the matter4 ,oh6 ,i quite agree that there is no one like you for putting a woman to sleep4 ,yes1 and a husband too1 and if necessary a lover1 my dear friend4 ,at last ,monsieur de ,t----- was admitted to his wife's apartment1 and there we were all summoned4 ,i trembled1 said ,madame de ,t----- to me1 for fear you would go before ,i awoke1 and ,i thank you for saving me the annoyance which that would have caused me4 ,madame1 ,i said1 and she must have perceived the feeling that was in my tones--,i come to say good-bye4 ,she looked at me and at the marquis with an air of disquietude2 but the self-satisfied1 knowing look of her lover reassured her4 ,she laughed in her sleeve with me as if she would console me as well as she could1 without lowering herself in my eyes4 ,he has played his part well1 the marquis said to her in a low voice1 pointing to me1 and my gratitude-- ,let us drop the subject1 interrupted ,madame de ,t-----2 you may be sure that ,i am well aware of all ,i owe him4 ,at last ,monsieur de ,t-----1 with a sarcastic remark1 dismissed me2 my friend threw the dust in his eyes by making fun of me2 and ,i paid back both of them by expressing my admiration for ,madame de ,t-----1 who made fools of us all without forfeiting her dignity4 ,i took myself off2 but ,madame de ,t----- followed me1 pretending to have a commission to give me4 ,adieu1 monsieur6 she said1 ,i am indebted to you for the very great pleasure you have given me2 but ,i have paid you back with a beautiful dream1 and she looked at me with an expression of subtle meaning4 ,but adieu1 and forever6 ,you have plucked a solitary flower1 blossoming in its loveliness1 which no man-- ,she stopped and her thought evaporated in a sigh2 but she checked the rising flood of sensibility and smiled significantly4 ,the countess loves you1 she said4 ,if ,i have robbed her of some transports1 ,i give you back to her less ignorant than before4 ,adieu6 ,do not make mischief between my friend and me4 ,she wrung my hand and left me4 ,more than once the ladies who had mislaid their fans blushed as they listened to the old gentleman1 whose brilliant elocution won their indulgence for certain details which we have suppressed1 as too erotic for the present age2 nevertheless1 we may believe that each lady complimented him in private2 for some time afterwards he gave to each of them1 as also to the masculine guests1 a copy of this charming story1 twenty-five copies of which were printed by ,pierre ,didot4 ,it is from copy ,no4 #bd that the author has transcribed this tale1 hitherto unpublished1 and1 strange to say1 attributed to ,dorat4 ,it has the merit of yielding important lessons for husbands1 while at the same time it gives the celibates a delightful picture of morals in the last century4 ,,meditation ,,xxv4 ,,of ,,allies4 ,of all the miseries that civil war can bring upon a country the greatest lies in the appeal which one of the contestants always ends by making to some foreign government4 ,unhappily we are compelled to confess that all women make this great mistake1 for the lover is only the first of their soldiers4 ,it may be a member of their family or at least a distant cousin4 ,this ,meditation1 then1 is intended to answer the inquiry1 what assistance can each of the different powers which influence human life give to your wife8 or better than that1 what artifices will she resort to to arm them against you8 ,two beings united by marriage are subject to the laws of religion and society2 to those of private life1 and1 from considerations of health1 to those of medicine4 ,we will therefore divide this important ,meditation into six paragraphs3 #a4 ,,of ,,religions ,,and ,,of ,,confession2 ,,considered ,,in ,,their ,,connection ,,with ,,marriage4 #b4 ,,of ,,the ,,mother-,,in-,,law4 #c4 ,,of ,,boarding ,,school ,,friends ,,and ,,intimate ,,friends4 #d4 ,,of ,,the ,,lover',s ,,allies4 #e4 ,,of ,,the ,,maid4 #f4 ,,of ,,the ,,doctor4 #a4 ,,of ,,religions ,,and ,,of ,,confession2 ,,considered ,,in ,,their ,,connection ,,with ,,marriage4 ,la ,bruyere has very wittily said1 ,it is too much for a husband to have ranged against him both devotion and gallantry2 a woman ought to choose but one of them for her ally4 ,the author thinks that ,la ,bruyere is mistaken4 #b4 ,,of ,,the ,,mother-,,in-,,law4 ,up to the age of thirty the face of a woman is a book written in a foreign tongue1 which one may still translate in spite of all the feminisms of the idiom2 but on passing her fortieth year a woman becomes an insoluble riddle2 and if any one can see through an old woman1 it is another old woman4 ,some diplomats have attempted on more than one occasion the diabolical task of gaining over the dowagers who opposed their machinations2 but if they have ever succeeded it was only after making enormous concessions to them2 for diplomats are practiced people and we do not think that you can employ their recipe in dealing with your mother-in-law4 ,she will be the first aid-de-camp of her daughter1 for if the mother did not take her daughter's side1 it would be one of those monstrous and unnatural exceptions1 which unhappily for husbands are extremely rare4 ,when a man is so happy as to possess a mother-in-law who is well-preserved1 he may easily keep her in check for a certain time1 although he may not know any young celibate brave enough to assail her4 ,but generally husbands who have the slightest conjugal genius will find a way of pitting their own mother against that of their wife1 and in that case they will naturally neutralize each other's power4 ,to be able to keep a mother-in-law in the country while he lives in ,paris1 and vice versa1 is a piece of good fortune which a husband too rarely meets with4 ,what of making mischief between the mother and the daughter8--,that may be possible2 but in order to accomplish such an enterprise he must have the metallic heart of ,richelieu1 who made a son and a mother deadly enemies to each other4 ,however1 the jealousy of a husband who forbids his wife to pray to male saints and wishes her to address only female saints1 would allow her liberty to see her mother4 ,many sons-in-law take an extreme course which settles everything1 which consists in living on bad terms with their mothers-in-law4 ,this unfriendliness would be very adroit policy1 if it did not inevitably result in drawing tighter the ties that unite mother and daughter4 ,these are about all the means which you have for resisting maternal influence in your home4 ,as for the services which your wife can claim from her mother1 they are immense2 and the assistance which she may derive from the neutrality of her mother is not less powerful4 ,but on this point everything passes out of the domain of science1 for all is veiled in secrecy4 ,the reinforcements which a mother brings up in support of a daughter are so varied in nature1 they depend so much on circumstances1 that it would be folly to attempt even a nomenclature for them4 ,yet you may write out among the most valuable precepts of this conjugal gospel1 the following maxims4 ,a husband should never let his wife visit her mother unattended4 ,a husband ought to study all the reasons why all the celibates under forty who form her habitual society are so closely united by ties of friendship to his mother-in-law2 for1 if a daughter rarely falls in love with the lover of her mother1 her mother has always a weak spot for her daughter's lover4 #c4 ,,of ,,boarding ,,school ,,friends ,,and ,,intimate ,,friends4 ,louise de ,l-----1 daughter of an officer killed at ,wagram1 had been the object of ,napoleon's special protection4 ,she left ,ecouen to marry a commissary general1 the ,baron de ,v-----1 who is very rich4 ,louise was eighteen and the baron forty4 ,she was ordinary in face and her complexion could not be called white1 but she had a charming figure1 good eyes1 a small foot1 a pretty hand1 good taste and abundant intelligence4 ,the baron1 worn out by the fatigues of war and still more by the excesses of a stormy youth1 had one of those faces upon which the ,republic1 the ,directory1 the ,consulate and the ,empire seemed to have set their impress4 ,he became so deeply in love with his wife1 that he asked and obtained from the ,emperor a post at ,paris1 in order that he might be enabled to watch over his treasure4 ,he was as jealous as ,count ,almaviva1 still more from vanity than from love4 ,the young orphan had married her husband from necessity1 and1 flattered by the ascendancy she wielded over a man much older than herself1 waited upon his wishes and his needs2 but her delicacy was offended from the first days of their marriage by the habits and ideas of a man whose manners were tinged with republican license4 ,he was a predestined4 ,i do not know exactly how long the baron made his honeymoon last1 nor when war was declared in his household2 but ,i believe it happened in #ahaf1 at a very brilliant ball given by ,monsieur ,d-----1 a commissariat officer1 that the commissary general1 who had been promoted head of the department1 admired the beautiful ,madame ,b-----1 the wife of a banker1 and looked at her much more amorously than a married man should have allowed himself to do4 ,at two o'clock in the morning it happened that the banker1 tired of waiting any longer1 went home leaving his wife at the ball4 ,we are going to take you home to your house1 said the baroness to ,madame ,b-----4 ,monsieur de ,v-----1 offer your arm to ,emilie6 ,and now the baron is seated in his carriage next to a woman who1 during the whole evening1 had been offered and had refused a thousand attentions1 and from whom he had hoped in vain to win a single look4 ,there she was1 in all the lustre of her youth and beauty1 displaying the whitest shoulders and the most ravishing lines of beauty4 ,her face1 which still reflected the pleasures of the evening1 seemed to vie with the brilliancy of her satin gown2 her eyes to rival the blaze of her diamonds2 and her skin to cope with the soft whiteness of the marabouts which tied in her hair1 set off the ebon tresses and the ringlets dangling from her headdress4 ,her tender voice would stir the chords of the most insensible hearts2 in a word1 so powerfully did she wake up love in the human breast that ,robert d',abrissel himself would perhaps have yielded to her4 ,the baron glanced at his wife1 who1 overcome with fatigue1 had sunk to sleep in a corner of the carriage4 ,he compared1 in spite of himself1 the toilette of ,louise and that of ,emilie4 ,now on occasions of this kind the presence of a wife is singularly calculated to sharpen the unquenchable desires of a forbidden love4 ,moreover1 the glances of the baron1 directed alternately to his wife and to her friend1 were easy to interpret1 and ,madame ,b----- interpreted them4 ,poor ,louise1 she said1 she is overtired4 ,going out does not suit her1 her tastes are so simple4 ,at ,ecouen she was always reading-- ,and you1 what used you to do8 ,i1 sir8 ,oh1 ,i thought about nothing but acting comely4 ,it was my passion6 ,but why do you so rarely visit ,madame de ,v-----8 ,we have a country house at ,saint-,prix1 where we could have a comedy acted1 in a little theatre which ,i have built there4 ,if ,i have not visited ,madame de ,v-----1 whose fault is it8 she replied4 ,you are so jealous that you will not allow her either to visit her friends or to receive them4 ,i jealous6 cried ,monsieur de ,v-----1 after four years of marriage1 and after having had three children6 ,hush1 said ,emilie1 striking the fingers of the baron with her fan1 ,louise is not asleep6 ,the carriage stopped1 and the baron offered his hand to his wife's fair friend and helped her to get out4 ,i hope1 said ,madame ,b-----1 that you will not prevent ,louise from coming to the ball which ,i am giving this week4 ,the baron made her a respectful bow4 ,this ball was a triumph of ,madame ,b-----'s and the ruin of the husband of ,louise2 for he became desperately enamored of ,emilie1 to whom he would have sacrificed a hundred lawful wives4 ,some months after that evening on which the baron gained some hopes of succeeding with his wife's friend1 he found himself one morning at the house of ,madame ,b-----1 when the maid came to announce the ,baroness de ,v-----4 ,ah6 cried ,emilie1 if ,louise were to see you with me at such an hour as this1 she would be capable of compromising me4 ,go into that closet and don't make the least noise4 ,the husband1 caught like a mouse in a trap1 concealed himself in the closet4 ,good-day1 my dear6 said the two women1 kissing each other4 ,why are you come so early8 asked ,emilie4 ,oh6 my dear1 cannot you guess8 ,i came to have an understanding with you6 ,what1 a duel8 ,precisely1 my dear4 ,i am not like you1 not ,i6 ,i love my husband and am jealous of him4 ,you6 you are beautiful1 charming1 you have the right to be a coquette1 you can very well make fun of ,b-----1 to whom your virtue seems to be of little importance4 ,but as you have plenty of lovers in society1 ,i beg you that you will leave me my husband4 ,he is always at your house1 and he certainly would not come unless you were the attraction4 ,what a very pretty jacket you have on4 ,do you think so8 ,my maid made it4 ,then ,i shall get ,anastasia to take a lesson from ,flore-- ,so1 then1 my dear1 ,i count on your friendship to refrain from bringing trouble in my house4 ,but1 my child1 ,i do not know how you can conceive that ,i should fall in love with your husband2 he is coarse and fat as a deputy of the centre4 ,he is short and ugly--,ah6 ,i will allow that he is generous1 but that is all you can say for him1 and this is a quality which is all in all only to opera girls2 so that you can understand1 my dear1 that if ,i were choosing a lover1 as you seem to suppose ,i am1 ,i wouldn't choose an old man like your baron4 ,if ,i have given him any hopes1 if ,i have received him1 it was certainly for the purpose of amusing myself1 and of giving you liberty2 for ,i believed you had a weakness for young ,rostanges4 ,i8 exclaimed ,louise1 ,god preserve me from it1 my dear2 he is the most intolerable coxcomb in the world4 ,no1 ,i assure you1 ,i love my husband6 ,you may laugh as you choose2 it is true4 ,i know it may seem ridiculous1 but consider1 he has made my fortune1 he is no miser1 and he is everything to me1 for it has been my unhappy lot to be left an orphan4 ,now even if ,i did not love him1 ,i ought to try to preserve his esteem4 ,have ,i a family who will some day give me shelter8 ,come1 my darling1 let us speak no more about it1 said ,emilie1 interrupting her friend1 for it tires me to death4 ,after a few trifling remarks the baroness left4 ,how is this1 monsieur8 cried ,madame ,b-----1 opening the door of the closet where the baron was frozen with cold1 for this incident took place in winter2 how is this8 ,aren't you ashamed of yourself for not adoring a little wife who is so interesting8 ,don't speak to me of love2 you may idolize me1 as you say you do1 for a certain time1 but you will never love me as you love ,louise4 ,i can see that in your heart ,i shall never outweigh the interest inspired by a virtuous wife1 children1 and a family circle4 ,i should one day be deserted and become the object of your bitter reflections4 ,you would coldly say of me ',i have had that woman6' ,that phrase ,i have heard pronounced by men with the most insulting indifference4 ,you see1 monsieur1 that ,i reason in cold blood1 and that ,i do not love you1 because you never would be able to love me4 ,what must ,i do then to convince you of my love8 cried the baron1 fixing his gaze on the young woman4 ,she had never appeared to him so ravishingly beautiful as at that moment1 when her soft voice poured forth a torrent of words whose sternness was belied by the grace of her gestures1 by the pose of her head and by her coquettish attitude4 ,oh1 when ,i see ,louise in possession of a lover1 she replied1 when ,i know that ,i am taking nothing away from her1 and that she has nothing to regret in losing your affection2 when ,i am quite sure that you love her no longer1 and have obtained certain proof of your indifference towards her--,oh1 then ,i may listen to you6--,these words must seem odious to you1 she continued in an earnest voice2 and so indeed they are1 but do not think that they have been pronounced by me4 ,i am the rigorous mathematician who makes his deductions from a preliminary proposition4 ,you are married1 and do you deliberately set about making love to some one else8 ,i should be mad to give any encouragement to a man who cannot be mine eternally4 ,demon6 exclaimed the husband4 ,yes1 you are a demon1 and not a woman6 ,come now1 you are really amusing6 said the young woman as she seized the bell-rope4 ,oh6 no1 ,emilie1 continued the lover of forty1 in a calmer voice4 ,do not ring2 stop1 forgive me6 ,i will sacrifice everything for you4 ,but ,i do not promise you anything6 she answered quickly with a laugh4 ,my ,god6 ,how you make me suffer6 he exclaimed4 ,well1 and have not you in your life caused the unhappiness of more than one person8 she asked4 ,remember all the tears which have been shed through you and for you6 ,oh1 your passion does not inspire me with the least pity4 ,if you do not wish to make me laugh1 make me share your feelings4 ,adieu1 madame1 there is a certain clemency in your sternness4 ,i appreciate the lesson you have taught me4 ,yes1 ,i have many faults to expiate4 ,well then1 go and repent of them1 she said with a mocking smile2 in making ,louise happy you will perform the rudest penance in your power4 ,they parted4 ,but the love of the baron was too violent to allow of ,madame ,b-----'s harshness failing to accomplish her end1 namely1 the separation of the married couple4 ,at the end of some months the ,baron de ,v----- and his wife lived apart1 though they lived in the same mansion4 ,the baroness was the object of universal pity1 for in public she always did justice to her husband and her resignation seemed wonderful4 ,the most prudish women of society found nothing to blame in the friendship which united ,louise to the young ,rostanges4 ,and all was laid to the charge of ,monsieur de ,v-----'s folly4 ,when this last had made all the sacrifices that a man could make for ,madame ,b-----1 his perfidious mistress started for the waters of ,mount ,dore1 for ,switzerland and for ,italy1 on the pretext of seeking the restoration of her health4 ,the baron died of inflammation of the liver1 being attended during his sickness by the most touching ministrations which his wife could lavish upon him2 and judging from the grief which he manifested at having deserted her1 he seemed never to have suspected her participation in the plan which had been his ruin4 ,this anecdote1 which we have chosen from a thousand others1 exemplifies the services which two women can render each other4 ,from the words--,let me have the pleasure of bringing my husband up to the conception of the drama1 whose denouement was inflammation of the liver1 every female perfidy was assembled to work out the end4 ,certain incidents will1 of course1 be met with which diversify more or less the typical example which we have given1 but the march of the drama is almost always the same4 ,moreover a husband ought always to distrust the woman friends of his wife4 ,the subtle artifices of these lying creatures rarely fail of their effect1 for they are seconded by two enemies1 who always keep close to a man--and these are vanity and desire4 #d4 ,,of ,,the ,,lover',s ,,allies4 ,the man who hastens to tell another man that he has dropped a thousand franc bill from his pocket-book1 or even that the handkerchief is coming out of his pocket1 would think it a mean thing to warn him that some one was carrying off his wife4 ,there is certainly something extremely odd in this moral inconsistency1 but after all it admits of explanation4 ,since the law cannot exercise any interference with matrimonial rights1 the citizens have even less right to constitute themselves a conjugal police2 and when one restores a thousand franc bill to him who has lost it1 he acts under a certain kind of obligation1 founded on the principle which says1 ,do unto others as ye would they should do unto you6 ,but by what reasoning can justification be found for the help which one celibate never asks in vain1 but always receives from another celibate in deceiving a husband1 and how shall we qualify the rendering of such help8 ,a man who is incapable of assisting a gendarme in discovering an assassin1 has no scruple in taking a husband to a theatre1 to a concert or even to a questionable house1 in order to help a comrade1 whom he would not hesitate to kill in a duel to-morrow1 in keeping an assignation1 the result of which is to introduce into a family a spurious child1 and to rob two brothers of a portion of their fortune by giving them a co-heir whom they never perhaps would otherwise have had2 or to effect the misery of three human beings4 ,we must confess that integrity is a very rare virtue1 and1 very often1 the man that thinks he has most actually has least4 ,families have been divided by feuds1 and brothers have been murdered1 which events would never have taken place if some friend had refused to perform what passes to the world as a harmless trick4 ,it is impossible for a man to be without some hobby or other1 and all of us are devoted either to hunting1 fishing1 gambling1 music1 money1 or good eating4 ,well1 your ruling passion will always be an accomplice in the snare which a lover sets for you1 the invisible hand of this passion will direct your friends1 or his1 whether they consent or not1 to play a part in the little drama when they want to take you away from home1 or to induce you to leave your wife to the mercy of another4 ,a lover will spend two whole months1 if necessary1 in planning the construction of the mouse-trap4 ,i have seen the most cunning men on earth thus taken in4 ,there was a certain retired lawyer of ,normandy4 ,he lived in the little town of ,b-----1 where a regiment of the chasseurs of ,cantal were garrisoned4 ,a fascinating officer of this regiment had fallen in love with the wife of this pettifogger1 and the regiment was leaving before the two lovers had been able to enjoy the least privacy4 ,it was the fourth military man over whom the lawyer had triumphed4 ,as he left the dinner-table one evening1 about six o'clock1 the husband took a walk on the terrace of his garden from which he could see the whole country side4 ,the officers arrived at this moment to take leave of him4 ,suddenly the flame of a conflagration burst forth on the horizon4 ,heavens6 ,la ,daudiniere is on fire6 exclaimed the major4 ,he was an old simple-minded soldier1 who had dined at home4 ,every one mounted horse4 ,the young wife smiled as she found herself alone1 for her lover1 hidden in the coppice1 had said to her1 ,it is a straw stack on fire6 ,the flank of the husband was turned with all the more facility in that a fine courser was provided for him by the captain1 and with a delicacy very rare in the cavalry1 the lover actually sacrificed a few moments of his happiness in order to catch up with the cavalcade1 and return in company with the husband4 ,marriage is a veritable duel1 in which persistent watchfulness is required in order to triumph over an adversary2 for1 if you are unlucky enough to turn your head1 the sword of the celibate will pierce you through and through4 #e4 ,,of ,,the ,,maid4 ,the prettiest waiting-maid ,i have ever seen is that of ,madame ,v----y1 a lady who to-day plays at ,paris a brilliant part among the most fashionable women1 and passes for a wife who keeps on excellent terms with her husband4 ,mademoiselle ,celestine is a person whose points of beauty are so numerous that1 in order to describe her1 it would be necessary to translate the thirty verses which we are told form an inscription in the seraglio of the ,grand ,turk and contain each of them an excellent description of one of the thirty beauties of women4 ,you show a great deal of vanity in keeping near you such an accomplished creature1 said a lady to the mistress of the house4 ,ah6 my dear1 some day perhaps you will find yourself jealous of me in possessing ,celestine4 ,she must be endowed with very rare qualities1 ,i suppose8 ,she perhaps dresses you well8 ,oh1 no1 very badly6 ,she sews well8 ,she never touches her needle4 ,she is faithful8 ,she is one of those whose fidelity costs more than the most cunning dishonesty4 ,you astonish me1 my dear2 she is then your foster-sister8 ,not at all2 she is positively good for nothing1 but she is more useful to me than any other member of my household4 ,if she remains with me ten years1 ,i have promised her twenty thousand francs4 ,it will be money well earned1 and ,i shall not forget to give it6 said the young woman1 nodding her head with a meaning gesture4 ,at last the questioner of ,madame ,v----y understood4 ,when a woman has no friend of her own sex intimate enough to assist her in proving false to marital love1 her maid is a last resource which seldom fails in bringing about the desired result4 ,oh6 after ten years of marriage to find under his roof1 and to see all the time1 a young girl of from sixteen to eighteen1 fresh1 dressed with taste1 the treasures of whose beauty seem to breathe defiance1 whose frank bearing is irresistibly attractive1 whose downcast eyes seem to fear you1 whose timid glance tempts you1 and for whom the conjugal bed has no secrets1 for she is at once a virgin and an experienced woman6 ,how can a man remain cold1 like ,st4 ,anthony1 before such powerful sorcery1 and have the courage to remain faithful to the good principles represented by a scornful wife1 whose face is always stern1 whose manners are always snappish1 and who frequently refuses to be caressed8 ,what husband is stoical enough to resist such fires1 such frosts8 ,there1 where you see a new harvest of pleasure1 the young innocent sees an income1 and your wife her liberty4 ,it is a little family compact1 which is signed in the interest of good will4 ,in this case1 your wife acts with regard to marriage as young fashionables do with regard to their country4 ,if they are drawn for the army1 they buy a man to carry the musket1 to die in their place and to spare them the hardships of military life4 ,in compromises of this sort there is not a single woman who does not know how to put her husband in the wrong4 ,i have noticed that1 by a supreme stroke of diplomacy1 the majority of wives do not admit their maids into the secret of the part which they give them to play4 ,they trust to nature1 and assume an affected superiority over the lover and his mistress4 ,these secret perfidies of women explain to a great degree the odd features of married life which are to be observed in the world2 and ,i have heard women discuss1 with profound sagacity1 the dangers which are inherent in this terrible method of attack1 and it is necessary to know thoroughly both the husband and the creature to whom he is to be abandoned1 in order to make successful use of her4 ,many a woman1 in this connection1 has been the victim of her own calculations4 ,moreover1 the more impetuous and passionate a husband shows himself1 the less will a woman dare to employ this expedient2 but a husband caught in this snare will never have anything to say to his stern better-half1 when the maid1 giving evidence of the fault she has committed1 is sent into the country with an infant and a dowry4 #f4 ,,of ,,the ,,doctor4 ,the doctor is one of the most potent auxiliaries of an honest woman1 when she wishes to acquire a friendly divorce from her husband4 ,the services that the doctor renders1 most of the time without knowing it1 to a woman1 are of such importance that there does not exist a single house in ,france where the doctor is chosen by any one but the wife4 ,all doctors know what great influence women have on their reputation2 thus we meet with few doctors who do not study to please the ladies4 ,when a man of talent has become celebrated it is true that he does not lend himself to the crafty conspiracies which women hatch2 but without knowing it he becomes involved in them4 ,i suppose that a husband taught by the adventures of his own youth makes up his mind to pick out a doctor for his wife1 from the first days of his marriage4 ,so long as his feminine adversary fails to conceive the assistance that she may derive from this ally1 she will submit in silence2 but later on1 if all her allurements fail to win over the man chosen by her husband1 she will take a more favorable opportunity to give her husband her confidence1 in the following remarkable manner4 ,i don't like the way in which the doctor feels my pulse6 ,and of course the doctor is dropped4 ,thus it happens that either a woman chooses her doctor1 wins over the man who has been imposed upon her1 or procures his dismissal4 ,but this contest is very rare2 the majority of young men who marry are acquainted with none but beardless doctors whom they have no anxiety to procure for their wives1 and almost always the ,esculapius of the household is chosen by the feminine power4 ,thus it happens that some fine morning the doctor1 when he leaves the chamber of madame1 who has been in bed for a fortnight1 is induced by her to say to you3 ,i do not say that the condition of madame presents any serious symptoms2 but this constant drowsiness1 this general listlessness1 and her natural tendency to a spinal affection demand great care4 ,her lymph is inspissated4 ,she wants a change of air4 ,she ought to be sent either to the waters of ,bareges or to the waters of ,plombieres4 ,all right1 doctor4 ,you allow your wife to go to ,plombieres2 but she goes there because ,captain ,charles is quartered in the ,vosges4 ,she returns in capital health and the waters of ,plombieres have done wonders for her4 ,she has written to you every day1 she has lavished upon you from a distance every possible caress4 ,the danger of a spinal affection has utterly disappeared4 ,there is extant a little pamphlet1 whose publication was prompted doubtless by hate4 ,it was published in ,holland1 and it contains some very curious details of the manner in which ,madame de ,maintenon entered into an understanding with ,fagon1 for the purposes of controlling ,louis ,,xiv4 ,well1 some morning your doctor will threaten you1 as ,fagon threatened his master1 with a fit of apoplexy1 if you do not diet yourself4 ,this witty work of satire1 doubtless the production of some courtier1 entitled ,madame de ,saint ,tron1 has been interpreted by the modern author who has become proverbial as the young doctor4 ,but his delightful sketch is very much superior to the work whose title ,i cite for the benefit of the book-lovers1 and we have great pleasure in acknowledging that the work of our clever contemporary has prevented us1 out of regard for the glory of the seventeenth century1 from publishing the fragment of the old pamphlet4 ,very frequently a doctor becomes duped by the judicious manoeuvres of a young and delicate wife1 and comes to you with the announcement3 ,sir1 ,i would not wish to alarm madame with regard to her condition2 but ,i will advise you1 if you value her health1 to keep her in perfect tranquillity4 ,the irritation at this moment seems to threaten the chest1 and we must gain control of it2 there is need of rest for her1 perfect rest2 the least agitation might change the seat of the malady4 ,at this crisis1 the prospect of bearing a child would be fatal to her4 ,but1 doctor-- ,ah1 yes6 ,i know that6 ,he laughs and leaves the house4 ,like the rod of ,moses1 the doctor's mandate makes and unmakes generations4 ,the doctor will restore you to your marriage bed with the same arguments that he used in debarring you4 ,he treats your wife for complaints which she has not1 in order to cure her of those which she has1 and all the while you have no idea of it2 for the scientific jargon of doctors can only be compared to the layers in which they envelop their pills4 ,an honest woman in her chamber with the doctor is like a minister sure of a majority2 she has it in her power to make a horse1 or a carriage1 according to her good pleasure and her taste2 she will send you away or receive you1 as she likes4 ,sometimes she will pretend to be ill in order to have a chamber separate from yours2 sometimes she will surround herself with all the paraphernalia of an invalid2 she will have an old woman for a nurse1 regiments of vials and of bottles1 and1 environed by these ramparts1 will defy you by her invalid airs4 ,she will talk to you in such a depressing way of the electuaries and of the soothing draughts which she has taken1 of the agues which she has had1 of her plasters and cataplasms1 that she will fill you with disgust at these sickly details1 if all the time these sham sufferings are not intended to serve as engines by means of which1 eventually1 a successful attack may be made on that singular abstraction known as your honor4 ,in this way your wife will be able to fortify herself at every point of contact which you possess with the world1 with society and with life4 ,thus everything will take arms against you1 and you will be alone among all these enemies4 ,but suppose that it is your unprecedented privilege to possess a wife who is without religious connections1 without parents or intimate friends2 that you have penetration enough to see through all the tricks by which your wife's lover tries to entrap you2 that you still have sufficient love for your fair enemy to resist all the ,martons of the earth2 that1 in fact1 you have for your doctor a man who is so celebrated that he has no time to listen to the maunderings of your wife2 or that if your ,esculapius is madame's vassal1 you demand a consultation1 and an incorruptible doctor intervenes every time the favorite doctor prescribes a remedy that disquiets you2 even in that case1 your prospects will scarcely be more brilliant4 ,in fact1 even if you do not succumb to this invasion of allies1 you must not forget that1 so far1 your adversary has not1 so to speak1 struck the decisive blow4 ,if you hold out still longer1 your wife1 having flung round you thread upon thread1 as a spider spins his web1 an invisible net1 will resort to the arms which nature has given her1 which civilization has perfected1 and which will be treated of in the next ,meditation4 ,,meditation ,,xxvi4 ,,of ,,different ,,weapons4 ,a weapon is anything which is used for the purpose of wounding4 ,from this point of view1 some sentiments prove to be the most cruel weapons which man can employ against his fellow man4 ,the genius of ,schiller1 lucid as it was comprehensive1 seems to have revealed all the phenomena which certain ideas bring to light in the human organization by their keen and penetrating action4 ,a man may be put to death by a thought4 ,such is the moral of those heartrending scenes1 when in ,the ,brigands the poet shows a young man1 with the aid of certain ideas1 making such powerful assaults on the heart of an old man1 that he ends by causing the latter's death4 ,the time is not far distant when science will be able to observe the complicated mechanism of our thoughts and to apprehend the transmission of our feelings4 ,some developer of the occult sciences will prove that our intellectual organization constitutes nothing more than a kind of interior man1 who projects himself with less violence than the exterior man1 and that the struggle which may take place between two such powers as these1 although invisible to our feeble eyes1 is not a less mortal struggle than that in which our external man compels us to engage4 ,but these considerations belong to a different department of study from that in which we are now engaged2 these subjects we intend to deal with in a future publication2 some of our friends are already acquainted with one of the most important1--that1 namely1 entitled ,,the ,,pathology ,,of ,,social ,,life1 or ,meditations mathematical1 physical1 chemical and transcendental on the manifestations of thought1 taken under all the forms which are produced by the state of society1 whether by living1 marriage1 conduct1 veterinary medicine1 or by speech and action1 etc41 in which all these great questions are fully discussed4 ,the aim of this brief metaphysical observation is only to remind you that the higher classes of society reason too well to admit of their being attacked by any other than intellectual arms4 ,although it is true that tender and delicate souls are found enveloped in a body of metallic hardness1 at the same time there are souls of bronze enveloped in bodies so supple and capricious that their grace attracts the friendship of others1 and their beauty calls for a caress4 ,but if you flatter the exterior man with your hand1 the ,homo duplex1 the interior man1 to use an expression of ,buffon1 immediately rouses himself and rends you with his keen points of contact4 ,this description of a special class of human creatures1 which we hope you will not run up against during your earthly journey1 presents a picture of what your wife may be to you4 ,every one of the sentiments which nature has endowed your heart with1 in their gentlest form1 will become a dagger in the hand of your wife4 ,you will be stabbed every moment1 and you will necessarily succumb2 for your love will flow like blood from every wound4 ,this is the last struggle1 but for her it also means victory4 ,in order to carry out the distinction which we think we have established among three sorts of feminine temperament1 we will divide this ,meditation into three parts1 under the following titles3 #a4 ,,of ,,headaches4 #b4 ,,of ,,nervous ,,affectations4 #c4 ,,of ,,modesty1 ,,in ,,its ,,connection ,,with ,,marriage4 #a4 ,,of ,,headaches4 ,women are constantly the dupes or the victims of excessive sensibility2 but we have already demonstrated that with the greater number of them this delicacy of soul must needs1 almost without their knowing it1 receive many rude blows1 from the very fact of their marriage4 7,see ,meditations entitled ,the ,predestined and ,of the ,honeymoon47 ,most of the means of defence instinctively employed by husbands are nothing but traps set for the liveliness of feminine affections4 ,now the moment comes when the wife1 during the ,civil ,war1 traces by a single act of thought the history of her moral life1 and is irritated on perceiving the prodigious way in which you have taken advantage of her sensibility4 ,it is very rarely that women1 moved either by an innate feeling for revenge1 which they themselves can never explain1 or by their instinct of domination1 fail to discover that this quality in their natural machinery1 when brought into play against the man1 is inferior to no other instrument for obtaining ascendancy over him4 ,with admirable cleverness1 they proceed to find out what chords in the hearts of their husbands are most easily touched2 and when once they discover this secret1 they eagerly proceed to put it into practice2 then1 like a child with a mechanical toy1 whose spring excites their curiosity1 they go on employing it1 carelessly calling into play the movements of the instrument1 and satisfied simply with their success in doing so4 ,if they kill you1 they will mourn over you with the best grace in the world1 as the most virtuous1 the most excellent1 the most sensible of men4 ,in this way your wife will first arm herself with that generous sentiment which leads us to respect those who are in pain4 ,the man most disposed to quarrel with a woman full of life and health becomes helpless before a woman who is weak and feeble4 ,if your wife has not attained the end of her secret designs1 by means of those various methods already described1 she will quickly seize this all-powerful weapon4 ,in virtue of this new strategic method1 you will see the young girl1 so strong in life and beauty1 whom you had wedded in her flower1 metamorphosing herself into a pale and sickly woman4 ,now headache is an affection which affords infinite resources to a woman4 ,this malady1 which is the easiest of all to feign1 for it is destitute of any apparent symptom1 merely obliges her to say3 ,i have a headache4 ,a woman trifles with you and there is no one in the world who can contradict her skull1 whose impenetrable bones defy touch or ocular test4 ,moreover1 headache is1 in our opinion1 the queen of maladies1 the pleasantest and the most terrible weapon employed by wives against their husbands4 ,there are some coarse and violent men who have been taught the tricks of women by their mistresses1 in the happy hours of their celibacy1 and so flatter themselves that they are never to be caught by this vulgar trap4 ,but all their efforts1 all their arguments end by being vanquished before the magic of these words3 ,i have a headache4 ,if a husband complains1 or ventures on a reproach1 if he tries to resist the power of this ,il buondo cani of marriage1 he is lost4 ,imagine a young woman1 voluptuously lying on a divan1 her head softly supported by a cushion1 one hand hanging down2 on a small table close at hand is her glass of lime-water4 ,now place by her side a burly husband4 ,he has made five or six turns round the room2 but each time he has turned on his heels to begin his walk all over again1 the little invalid has made a slight movement of her eyebrows in a vain attempt to remind him that the slightest noise fatigues her4 ,at last he musters all his courage and utters a protest against her pretended malady1 in the bold phrase3 ,and have you really a headache8 ,at these words the young woman slightly raises her languid head1 lifts an arm1 which feebly falls back again upon her divan1 raises her eyes to the ceiling1 raises all that she has power to raise2 then darting at you a leaden glance1 she says in a voice of remarkable feebleness3 ,oh6 ,what can be the matter with me8 ,i suffer the agonies of death6 ,and this is all the comfort you give me6 ,ah6 you men1 it is plainly seen that nature has not given you the task of bringing children into the world4 ,what egoists and tyrants you are6 ,you take us in all the beauty of our youth1 fresh1 rosy1 with tapering waist1 and then all is well6 ,when your pleasures have ruined the blooming gifts which we received from nature1 you never forgive us for having forfeited them to you6 ,that was all understood4 ,you will allow us to have neither the virtues nor the sufferings of our condition4 ,you must needs have children1 and we pass many nights in taking care of them4 ,but child-bearing has ruined our health1 and left behind the germs of serious maladies4--,oh1 what pain ,i suffer6 ,there are few women who are not subject to headaches2 but your wife must be an exception4 ,you even laugh at our sufferings2 that is generosity6--please don't walk about --,i should not have expected this of you6--,stop the clock2 the click of the pendulum rings in my head4 ,thanks6 ,oh1 what an unfortunate creature ,i am6 ,have you a scent-bottle with you8 ,yes1 oh6 for pity's sake1 allow me to suffer in peace1 and go away2 for this scent splits my head6 ,what can you say in reply8 ,do you not hear within you a voice which cries1 ,and what if she is actually suffering8 ,moreover1 almost all husbands evacuate the field of battle very quietly1 while their wives watch them from the corner of their eyes1 marching off on tip-toe and closing the door quietly on the chamber henceforth to be considered sacred by them4 ,such is the headache1 true or false1 which is patronized at your home4 ,then the headache begins to play a regular role in the bosom of your family4 ,it is a theme on which a woman can play many admirable variations4 ,she sets it forth in every key4 ,with the aid of the headache alone a wife can make a husband desperate4 ,a headache seizes madame when she chooses1 where she chooses1 and as much as she chooses4 ,there are headaches of five days1 of ten minutes1 periodic or intermittent headaches4 ,you sometimes find your wife in bed1 in pain1 helpless1 and the blinds of her room are closed4 ,the headache has imposed silence on every one1 from the regions of the porter's lodge1 where he is cutting wood1 even to the garret of your groom1 from which he is throwing down innocent bundles of straw4 ,believing in this headache1 you leave the house1 but on your return you find that madame has decamped6 ,soon madame returns1 fresh and ruddy3 ,the doctor came1 she says1 and advised me to take exercise1 and ,i find myself much better6 ,another day you wish to enter madame's room4 ,oh1 sir1 says the maid1 showing the most profound astonishment1 madame has her usual headache1 and ,i have never seen her in such pain6 ,the doctor has been sent for4 ,you are a happy man1 said ,marshal ,augereau to ,general ,r-----1 to have such a pretty wife6 ,to have6 replied the other4 ,if ,i have my wife ten days in the year1 that is about all4 ,these confounded women have always either the headache or some other thing6 ,the headache in ,france takes the place of the sandals1 which1 in ,spain1 the ,confessor leaves at the door of the chamber in which he is with his penitent4 ,if your wife1 foreseeing some hostile intentions on your part1 wishes to make herself as inviolable as the charter1 she immediately gets up a little headache performance4 ,she goes to bed in a most deliberate fashion1 she utters shrieks which rend the heart of the hearer4 ,she goes gracefully through a series of gesticulations so cleverly executed that you might think her a professional contortionist4 ,now what man is there so inconsiderate as to dare to speak to a suffering woman about desires which1 in him1 prove the most perfect health8 ,politeness alone demands of him perfect silence4 ,a woman knows under these circumstances that by means of this all-powerful headache1 she can at her will paste on her bed the placard which sends back home the amateurs who have been allured by the announcement of the ,comedie ,francaise1 when they read the words3 ,closed through the sudden indisposition of ,mademoiselle ,mars4 ,o headache1 protectress of love1 tariff of married life1 buckler against which all married desires expire6 ,o mighty headache6 ,can it be possible that lovers have never sung thy praises1 personified thee1 or raised thee to the skies8 ,o magic headache1 ,o delusive headache1 blest be the brain that first invented thee6 ,shame on the doctor who shall find out thy preventive6 ,yes1 thou art the only ill that women bless1 doubtless through gratitude for the good things thou dispensest to them1 ,o deceitful headache6 ,o magic headache6 #b4 ,,of ,,nervous ,,affectations4 ,there is1 however1 a power which is superior even to that of the headache2 and we must avow to the glory of ,france1 that this power is one of the most recent which has been won by ,parisian genius4 ,as in the case with all the most useful discoveries of art and science1 no one knows to whose intellect it is due4 ,only1 it is certain that it was towards the middle of the last century that ,vapors made their first appearance in ,france4 ,thus while ,papin was applying the force of vaporized water in mechanical problems1 a ,french woman1 whose name unhappily is unknown1 had the glory of endowing her sex with the faculty of vaporizing their fluids4 ,very soon the prodigious influence obtained by vapors was extended to the nerves2 it was thus in passing from fibre to fibre that the science of neurology was born4 ,this admirable science has since then led such men as ,philips and other clever physiologists to the discovery of the nervous fluid in its circulation2 they are now perhaps on the eve of identifying its organs1 and the secret of its origin and of its evaporation4 ,and thus1 thanks to certain quackeries of this kind1 we may be enabled some day to penetrate the mysteries of that unknown power which we have already called more than once in the present book1 the ,will4 ,but do not let us trespass on the territory of medical philosophy4 ,let us consider the nerves and the vapors solely in their connection with marriage4 ,victims of ,neurosis 7a pathological term under which are comprised all affections of the nervous system7 suffer in two ways1 as far as married women are concerned2 for our physiology has the loftiest disdain for medical classifications4 ,thus we recognize only3 #a4 ,,classic ,,neurosis4 #b4 ,,romantic ,,neurosis4 ,the classic affection has something bellicose and excitable on it4 ,those who thus suffer are as violent in their antics as pythonesses1 as frantic as monads1 as excited as bacchantes2 it is a revival of antiquity1 pure and simple4 ,the romantic sufferers are mild and plaintive as the ballads sung amid the mists of ,scotland4 ,they are pallid as young girls carried to their bier by the dance or by love2 they are eminently elegiac and they breathe all the melancholy of the ,north4 ,that woman with black hair1 with piercing eye1 with high color1 with dry lips and a powerful hand1 will become excited and convulsive2 she represents the genius of classic neurosis2 while a young blonde woman1 with white skin1 is the genius of romantic neurosis2 to one belongs the empire gained by nerves1 to the other the empire gained by vapors4 ,very frequently a husband1 when he comes home1 finds his wife in tears4 ,what is the matter1 my darling8 ,it is nothing4 ,but you are in tears6 ,i weep without knowing why4 ,i am quite sad6 ,i saw faces in the clouds1 and those faces never appear to me except on the eve of some disaster--,i think ,i must be going to die4 ,then she talks to you in a low voice of her dead father1 of her dead uncle1 of her dead grandfather1 of her dead cousin4 ,she invokes all these mournful shades1 she feels as if she had all their sicknesses1 she is attacked with all the pains they felt1 she feels her heart palpitate with excessive violence1 she feels her spleen swelling4 ,you say to yourself1 with a self-satisfied air3 ,i know exactly what this is all about6 ,and then you try to soothe her2 but you find her a woman who yawns like an open box1 who complains of her chest1 who begins to weep anew1 who implores you to leave her to her melancholy and her mournful memories4 ,she talks to you about her last wishes1 follows her own funeral1 is buried1 plants over her tomb the green canopy of a weeping willow1 and at the very time when you would like to raise a joyful epithalamium1 you find an epitaph to greet you all in black4 ,your wish to console her melts away in the cloud of ,ixion4 ,there are women of undoubted fidelity who in this way extort from their feeling husbands cashmere shawls1 diamonds1 the payment of their debts1 or the rent of a box at the theatre2 but almost always vapors are employed as decisive weapons in ,civil ,war4 ,on the plea of her spinal affection or of her weak chest1 a woman takes pains to seek out some distraction or other2 you see her dressing herself in soft fabrics like an invalid with all the symptoms of spleen2 she never goes out because an intimate friend1 her mother or her sister1 has tried to tear her away from that divan which monopolizes her and on which she spends her life in improvising elegies4 ,madame is going to spend a fortnight in the country because the doctor orders it4 ,in short1 she goes where she likes and does what she likes4 ,is it possible that there can be a husband so brutal as to oppose such desires1 by hindering a wife from going to seek a cure for her cruel sufferings8 ,for it has been established after many long discussions that in the nerves originate the most fearful torture4 ,but it is especially in bed that vapors play their part4 ,there when a woman has not a headache she has her vapors2 and when she has neither vapors nor headache1 she is under the protection of the girdle of ,venus1 which1 as you know1 is a myth4 ,among the women who fight with you the battle of vapors1 are some more blonde1 more delicate1 more full of feeling than others1 and who possess the gift of tears4 ,how admirably do they know how to weep6 ,they weep when they like1 as they like and as much as they like4 ,they organize a system of offensive warfare which consists of manifesting sublime resignation1 and they gain victories which are all the more brilliant1 inasmuch as they remain all the time in excellent health4 ,does a husband1 irritated beyond all measure1 at last express his wishes to them8 ,they regard him with an air of submission1 bow their heads and keep silence4 ,this pantomime almost always puts a husband to rout4 ,in conjugal struggles of this kind1 a man prefers a woman should speak and defend herself1 for then he may show elation or annoyance2 but as for these women1 not a word4 ,their silence distresses you and you experience a sort of remorse1 like the murderer who1 when he finds his victim offers no resistance1 trembles with redoubled fear4 ,he would prefer to slay him in self-defence4 ,you return to the subject4 ,as you draw near1 your wife wipes away her tears and hides her handkerchief1 so as to let you see that she has been weeping4 ,you are melted1 you implore your little ,caroline to speak1 your sensibility has been touched and you forget everything2 then she sobs while she speaks1 and speaks while she sobs4 ,this is a sort of machine eloquence2 she deafens you with her tears1 with her words which come jerked out in confusion2 it is the clapper and torrent of a mill4 ,french women and especially ,parisians possess in a marvelous degree the secret by which such scenes are enacted1 and to these scenes their voices1 their sex1 their toilet1 their manner give a wonderful charm4 ,how often do the tears upon the cheeks of these adorable actresses give way to a piquant smile1 when they see their husbands hasten to break the silk lace1 the weak fastening of their corsets1 or to restore the comb which holds together the tresses of their hair and the bunch of golden ringlets always on the point of falling down8 ,but how all these tricks of modernity pale before the genius of antiquity1 before nervous attacks which are violent1 before the ,pyrrhic dance of married life6 ,oh6 how many hopes for a lover are there in the vivacity of those convulsive movements1 in the fire of those glances1 in the strength of those limbs1 beautiful even in contortion6 ,it is then that a woman is carried away like an impetuous wind1 darts forth like the flames of a conflagration1 exhibits a movement like a billow which glides over the white pebbles4 ,she is overcome with excess of love1 she sees the future1 she is the seer who prophesies1 but above all1 she sees the present moment and tramples on her husband1 and impresses him with a sort of terror4 ,the sight of his wife flinging off vigorous men as if they were so many feathers1 is often enough to deter a man from ever striving to wrong her4 ,he will be like the child who1 having pulled the trigger of some terrific engine1 has ever afterwards an incredible respect for the smallest spring4 ,i have known a man1 gentle and amiable in his ways1 whose eyes were fixed upon those of his wife1 exactly as if he had been put into a lion's cage1 and some one had said to him that he must not irritate the beast1 if he would escape with his life4 ,nervous attacks of this kind are very fatiguing and become every day more rare4 ,romanticism1 however1 has maintained its ground4 ,sometimes1 we meet with phlegmatic husbands1 those men whose love is long enduring1 because they store up their emotions1 whose genius gets the upper hand of these headaches and nervous attacks2 but these sublime creatures are rare4 ,faithful disciples of the blessed ,st4 ,thomas1 who wished to put his finger into the wound1 they are endowed with an incredulity worthy of an atheist4 ,imperturbable in the midst of all these fraudulent headaches and all these traps set by neurosis1 they concentrate their attention on the comedy which is being played before them1 they examine the actress1 they search for one of the springs that sets her going2 and when they have discovered the mechanism of this display1 they arm themselves by giving a slight impulse to the puppet-valve1 and thus easily assure themselves either of the reality of the disease or the artifices of these conjugal mummeries4 ,but if by study which is almost superhuman in its intensity a husband escapes all the artifices which lawless and untamable love suggests to women1 he will beyond doubt be overcome by the employment of a terrible weapon1 the last which a woman would resort to1 for she never destroys with her own hands her empire over her husband without some sort of repugnance4 ,but this is a poisoned weapon as powerful as the fatal knife of the executioner4 ,this reflection brings us to the last paragraph of the present ,meditation4 #c4 ,,of ,,modesty1 ,,in ,,its ,,connection ,,with ,,marriage4 ,before taking up the subject of modesty1 it may perhaps be necessary to inquire whether there is such a thing4 ,is it anything in a woman but well understood coquetry8 ,is it anything but a sentiment that claims the right1 on a woman's part1 to dispose of her own body as she chooses1 as one may well believe1 when we consider that half the women in the world go almost naked8 ,is it anything but a social chimera1 as ,diderot supposed1 reminding us that this sentiment always gives way before sickness and before misery8 ,justice may be done to all these questions4 ,an ingenious author has recently put forth the view that men are much more modest than women4 ,he supports this contention by a great mass of surgical experiences2 but1 in order that his conclusions merit our attention1 it would be necessary that for a certain time men were subjected to treatment by women surgeons4 ,the opinion of ,diderot is of still less weight4 ,to deny the existence of modesty1 because it disappears during those crises in which almost all human sentiments are annihilated1 is as unreasonable as to deny that life exists because death sooner or later comes4 ,let us grant1 then1 that one sex has as much modesty as the other1 and let us inquire in what modesty consists4 ,rousseau makes modesty the outcome of all those coquetries which females display before males4 ,this opinion appears to us equally mistaken4 ,the writers of the eighteenth century have doubtless rendered immense services to society2 but their philosophy1 based as it is upon sensualism1 has never penetrated any deeper than the human epidermis4 ,they have only considered the exterior universe2 and so they have retarded1 for some time1 the moral development of man and the progress of science which will always draw its first principles from the ,gospel1 principles hereafter to be best understood by the fervent disciples of the ,son of ,man4 ,the study of thought's mysteries1 the discovery of those organs which belong to the human soul1 the geometry of its forces1 the phenomena of its active power1 the appreciation of the faculty by which we seem to have an independent power of bodily movement1 so as to transport ourselves whither we will and to see without the aid of bodily organs1 --in a word the laws of thought's dynamic and those of its physical influence1--these things will fall to the lot of the next century1 as their portion in the treasury of human sciences4 ,and perhaps we1 of the present time1 are merely occupied in quarrying the enormous blocks which later on some mighty genius will employ in the building of a glorious edifice4 ,thus the error of ,rousseau is simply the error of his age4 ,he explains modesty by the relations of different human beings to each other instead of explaining it by the moral relations of each one with himself4 ,modesty is no more susceptible of analysis than conscience2 and this perhaps is another way of saying that modesty is the conscience of the body2 for while conscience directs our sentiments and the least movement of our thoughts towards the good1 modesty presides over external movements4 ,the actions which clash with our interests and thus disobey the laws of conscience wound us more than any other2 and if they are repeated call forth our hatred4 ,it is the same with acts which violate modesty in their relations to love1 which is nothing but the expression of our whole sensibility4 ,if extreme modesty is one of the conditions on which the reality of marriage is based1 as we have tried to prove ,see ,conjugal ,catechism1 ,meditation ,,iv41 it is evident that immodesty will destroy it4 ,but this position1 which would require long deductions for the acceptance of the physiologist1 women generally apply1 as it were1 mechanically2 for society1 which exaggerates everything for the benefit of the exterior man1 develops this sentiment of women from childhood1 and around it are grouped almost every other sentiment4 ,moreover1 the moment that this boundless veil1 which takes away the natural brutality from the least gesture1 is dragged down1 woman disappears4 ,heart1 mind1 love1 grace1 all are in ruins4 ,in a situation where the virginal innocence of a daughter of ,tahiti is most brilliant1 the ,european becomes detestable4 ,in this lies the last weapon which a wife seizes1 in order to escape from the sentiment which her husband still fosters towards her4 ,she is powerful because she had made herself loathsome2 and this woman1 who would count it as the greatest misfortune that her lover should be permitted to see the slightest mystery of her toilette1 is delighted to exhibit herself to her husband in the most disadvantageous situation that can possibly be imagined4 ,it is by means of this rigorous system that she will try to banish you from the conjugal bed4 ,mrs4 ,shandy may be taken to mean us harm in bidding the father of ,tristram wind up the clock2 so long as your wife is not blamed for the pleasure she takes in interrupting you by the most imperative questions4 ,where there formerly was movement and life is now lethargy and death4 ,an act of love becomes a transaction long discussed and almost1 as it were1 settled by notarial seal4 ,but we have in another place shown that we never refuse to seize upon the comic element in a matrimonial crisis1 although here we may be permitted to disdain the diversion which the muse of ,verville and of ,marshall have found in the treachery of feminine manoeuvres1 the insulting audacity of their talk1 amid the cold-blooded cynicism which they exhibit in certain situations4 ,it is too sad to laugh at1 and too funny to mourn over4 ,when a woman resorts to such extreme measures1 worlds at once separate her from her husband4 ,nevertheless1 there are some women to whom ,heaven has given the gift of being charming under all circumstances1 who know how to put a certain witty and comic grace into these performances1 and who have such smooth tongues1 to use the expression of ,sully1 that they obtain forgiveness for their caprices and their mockeries1 and never estrange the hearts of their husbands4 ,what soul is so robust1 what man so violently in love as to persist in his passion1 after ten years of marriage1 in presence of a wife who loves him no longer1 who gives him proofs of this every moment1 who repulses him1 who deliberately shows herself bitter1 caustic1 sickly and capricious1 and who will abjure her vows of elegance and cleanliness1 rather than not see her husband turn away from her2 in presence of a wife who will stake the success of her schemes upon the horror caused by her indecency8 ,all this1 my dear sir1 is so much more horrible because-- ,,xcii4 ,,lovers ,,ignore ,,modesty4 ,we have now arrived at the last infernal circle in the ,divine ,comedy of ,marriage4 ,we are at the very bottom of ,hell4 ,there is something inexpressibly terrible in the situation of a married woman at the moment when unlawful love turns her away from her duties as mother and wife4 ,as ,diderot has very well put it1 infidelity in a woman is like unbelief in a priest1 the last extreme of human failure2 for her it is the greatest of social crimes1 since it implies in her every other crime besides1 and indeed either a wife profanes her lawless love by continuing to belong to her husband1 or she breaks all the ties which attach her to her family1 by giving herself over altogether to her lover4 ,she ought to choose between the two courses1 for her sole possible excuse lies in the intensity of her love4 ,she lives then between the claims of two obligations4 ,it is a dilemma2 she will work either the unhappiness of her lover1 if he is sincere in his passion1 or that of her husband1 if she is still beloved by him4 ,it is to this frightful dilemma of feminine life that all the strange inconsistencies of women's conduct is to be attributed4 ,in this lies the origin of all their lies1 all their perfidies2 here is the secret of all their mysteries4 ,it is something to make one shudder4 ,moreover1 even as simply based upon cold-blooded calculations1 the conduct of a woman who accepts the unhappiness which attends virtue and scorns the bliss which is bought by crime1 is a hundred times more reasonable4 ,nevertheless1 almost all women will risk suffering in the future and ages of anguish for the ecstasy of one half hour4 ,if the human feeling of self-preservation1 if the fear of death does not check them1 how fruitless must be the laws which send them for two years to the ,madelonnettes8 ,o sublime infamy6 ,and when one comes to think that he for whom these sacrifices are to be made is one of our brethren1 a gentleman to whom we would not trust our fortune1 if we had one1 a man who buttons his coat just as all of us do1 it is enough to make one burst into a roar of laughter so loud1 that starting from the ,luxembourg it would pass over the whole of ,paris and startle an ass browsing in the pasture at ,montmartre4 ,it will perhaps appear extraordinary that in speaking of marriage we have touched upon so many subjects2 but marriage is not only the whole of human life1 it is the whole of two human lives4 ,now just as the addition of a figure to the drawing of a lottery multiplies the chances a hundredfold1 so one single life united to another life multiplies by a startling progression the risks of human life1 which are in any case so manifold4 ,,meditation ,,xxvii4 ,,of ,,the ,,last ,,symptoms4 ,the author of this book has met in the world so many people possessed by a fanatic passion for a knowledge of the mean time1 for watches with a second hand1 and for exactness in the details of their existence1 that he has considered this ,meditation too necessary for the tranquillity of a great number of husbands1 to be omitted4 ,it would have been cruel to leave men1 who are possessed with the passion for learning the hour of the day1 without a compass whereby to estimate the last variations in the matrimonial zodiac1 and to calculate the precise moment when the sign of the ,minotaur appears on the horizon4 ,the knowledge of conjugal time would require a whole book for its exposition1 so fine and delicate are the observations required by the task4 ,the master admits that his extreme youth has not permitted him as yet to note and verify more than a few symptoms2 but he feels a just pride1 on his arrival at the end of his difficult enterprise1 from the consciousness that he is leaving to his successors a new field of research2 and that in a matter apparently so trite1 not only was there much to be said1 but also very many points are found remaining which may yet be brought into the clear light of observation4 ,he therefore presents here without order or connection the rough outlines which he has so far been able to execute1 in the hope that later he may have leisure to co-ordinate them and to arrange them in a complete system4 ,if he has been so far kept back in the accomplishment of a task of supreme national importance1 he believes1 he may say1 without incurring the charge of vanity1 that he has here indicated the natural division of those symptoms4 ,they are necessarily of two kinds3 the unicorns and the bicorns4 ,the unicorn ,minotaur is the least mischievous4 ,the two culprits confine themselves to a platonic love1 in which their passion1 at least1 leaves no visible traces among posterity2 while the bicorn ,minotaur is unhappiness with all its fruits4 ,we have marked with an asterisk the symptoms which seem to concern the latter kind4 ,,minotauric ,,observations4 ,i4 99,when1 after remaining a long time aloof from her husband1 a woman makes overtures of a very marked character in order to attract his love1 she acts in accordance with the axiom of maritime law1 which says3 ,the flag protects the cargo4 ,,ii4 ,a woman is at a ball1 one of her friends comes up to her and says3 ,your husband has much wit4 ,you find it so8 ,,iii4 ,your wife discovers that it is time to send your boy to a boarding school1 with whom1 a little time ago1 she was never going to part4 ,,iv4 99,in ,lord ,abergavenny's suit for divorce1 the valet de chambre deposed that the countess had such a detestation of all that belonged to my lord that he had very often seen her burning the scraps of paper which he had touched in her room4 ,v4 ,if an indolent woman becomes energetic1 if a woman who formerly hated study learns a foreign language2 in short1 every appearance of a complete change in character is a decisive symptom4 ,,vi4 ,the woman who is happy in her affections does not go much into the world4 ,,vii4 ,the woman who has a lover becomes very indulgent in judging others4 ,,viii4 99,a husband gives to his wife a hundred crowns a month for dress2 and1 taking everything into account1 she spends at least five hundred francs without being a sou in debt2 the husband is robbed every night with a high hand by escalade1 but without burglarious breaking in4 ,,ix4 99,a married couple slept in the same bed2 madame was always sick4 ,now they sleep apart1 she has no more headache1 and her health becomes more brilliant than ever2 an alarming symptom6 ,x4 ,a woman who was a sloven suddenly develops extreme nicety in her attire4 ,there is a ,minotaur at hand6 ,,xi4 ,ah6 my dear1 ,i know no greater torment than not to be understood4 ,yes1 my dear1 but when one is-- ,oh1 that scarcely ever happens4 ,i agree with you that it very seldom does4 ,ah6 it is great happiness1 but there are not two people in the world who are able to understand you4 ,,xii4 99,the day when a wife behaves nicely to her husband--all is over4 ,,xiii4 ,i asked her3 ,where have you been1 ,jeanne8 ,i have been to your friend's to get your plate that you left there4 ,ah1 indeed6 everything is still mine1 ,i said4 ,the following year ,i repeated the question under similar circumstances4 ,i have been to bring back our plate4 ,well1 well1 part of the things are still mine1 ,i said4 ,but after that1 when ,i questioned her1 she spoke very differently4 ,you wish to know everything1 like great people1 and you have only three shirts4 ,i went to get my plate from my friend's house1 where ,i had stopped4 ,i see1 ,i said1 nothing is left me4 ,,xiv4 ,do not trust a woman who talks of her virtue4 ,,xv4 ,some one said to the ,duchess of ,chaulnes1 whose life was despaired of3 ,the ,duke of ,chaulnes would like to see you once more4 ,is he there8 ,yes4 ,let him wait2 he shall come in with the sacraments4 ,this minotauric anecdote has been published by ,chamfort1 but we quote it here as typical4 ,,xvi4 99,some women try to persuade their husbands that they have duties to perform towards certain persons4 ,i am sure that you ought to pay a visit to such and such a man4 4 4 4 ,we cannot avoid asking such and such a man to dinner4 ,,xvii4 ,come1 my son1 hold yourself straight3 try to acquire good manners6 ,watch such and such a man6 ,see how he walks6 ,notice the way in which he dresses4 ,,xviii4 ,when a woman utters the name of a man but twice a day1 there is perhaps some uncertainty about her feelings toward him--but if thrice8 --,oh6 oh6 ,,xix4 ,when a woman goes home with a man who is neither a lawyer nor a minister1 to the door of his apartment1 she is very imprudent4 ,,xx4 ,it is a terrible day when a husband fails to explain to himself the motive of some action of his wife4 ,,xxi4 99,the woman who allows herself to be found out deserves her fate4 ,what should be the conduct of a husband1 when he recognizes a last symptom which leaves no doubt as to the infidelity of his wife8 ,there are only two courses open2 that of resignation or that of vengeance2 there is no third course4 ,if vengeance is decided upon1 it should be complete4 ,the husband who does not separate himself forever from his wife is a veritable simpleton4 ,if a wife and husband think themselves fit for that union of friendship which exists between men1 it is odious in the husband to make his wife feel his superiority over her4 ,here are some anecdotes1 most of them as yet unpublished1 which indicate pretty plainly1 in my opinion1 the different shades of conduct to be observed by a husband in like case4 ,m4 de ,roquemont slept once a month in the chamber of his wife1 and he used to say1 as he went away3 ,i wash my hands of anything that may happen4 ,there is something disgusting in that remark1 and perhaps something profound in its suggestion of conjugal policy4 ,a diplomat1 when he saw his wife's lover enter1 left his study and1 going to his wife's chamber1 said to the two3 ,i hope you will at least refrain from fighting4 ,this was good humor4 ,m4 de ,boufflers was asked what he would do if on returning after a long absence he found his wife with child8 ,i would order my night dress and slippers to be taken to her room4 ,this was magnanimity4 ,madame1 if this man ill treats you when you are alone1 it is your own fault2 but ,i will not permit him to behave ill towards you in my presence1 for this is to fail in politeness in me4 ,this was nobility4 ,the sublime is reached in this connection when the square cap of the judge is placed by the magistrate at the foot of the bed wherein the two culprits are asleep4 ,there are some fine ways of taking vengeance4 ,mirabeau has admirably described in one of the books he wrote to make a living the mournful resignation of that ,italian lady who was condemned by her husband to perish with him in the ,maremma4 ,,last ,,axioms4 ,,xciii4 ,it is no act of vengeance to surprise a wife and her lover and to kill them locked in each other's arms2 it is a great favor to them both4 ,,xciv4 ,a husband will be best avenged by his wife's lover4 ,,meditation ,,xxviii4 ,,of ,,compensations4 ,the marital catastrophe which a certain number of husbands cannot avoid1 almost always forms the closing scene of the drama4 ,at that point all around you is tranquil4 ,your resignation1 if you are resigned1 has the power of awakening keen remorse in the soul of your wife and of her lover2 for their happiness teaches them the depth of the wound they have inflicted upon you4 ,you are1 you may be sure1 a third element in all their pleasures4 ,the principle of kindliness and goodness which lies at the foundation of the human soul1 is not so easily repressed as people think2 moreover the two people who are causing you tortures are precisely those for whom you wish the most good4 ,in the conversations so sweetly familiar which link together the pleasures of love1 and form in some way to lovers the caresses of thought1 your wife often says to your rival3 ,well1 ,i assure you1 ,auguste1 that in any case ,i should like to see my poor husband happy2 for at bottom he is good2 if he were not my husband1 but were only my brother1 there are so many things ,i would do to please him6 ,he loves me1 and--his friendship is irksome to me4 ,yes1 he is a fine fellow6 ,then you become an object of respect to the celibate1 who would yield to you all the indemnity possible for the wrong he has done you2 but he is repelled by the disdainful pride which gives a tone to your whole conversation1 and is stamped upon your face4 ,so that actually1 during the first moments of the ,minotaur's arrival1 a man is like an actor who feels awkward in a theatre where he is not accustomed to appear4 ,it is very difficult to bear the affront with dignity2 but though generosity is rare1 a model husband is sometimes found to possess it4 ,eventually you are little by little won over by the charming way in which your wife makes herself agreeable to you4 ,madame assumes a tone of friendship which she never henceforth abandons4 ,the pleasant atmosphere of your home is one of the chief compensations which renders the ,minotaur less odious to a husband4 ,but as it is natural to man to habituate himself to the hardest conditions1 in spite of the sentiment of outraged nobility which nothing can change1 you are gradually induced by a fascination whose power is constantly around you1 to accept the little amenities of your position4 ,suppose that conjugal misfortune has fallen upon an epicure4 ,he naturally demands the consolations which suit his taste4 ,his sense of pleasure takes refuge in other gratifications1 and forms other habits4 ,you shape your life in accordance with the enjoyment of other sensations4 ,one day1 returning from your government office1 after lingering for a long time before the rich and tasteful book shop of ,chevet1 hovering in suspense between the hundred francs of expense1 and the joys of a ,strasbourg pate de fois gras1 you are struck dumb on finding this pate proudly installed on the sideboard of your dining-room4 ,is this the vision offered by some gastronomic mirage8 ,in this doubting mood you approach with firm step1 for a pate is a living creature1 and seem to neigh as you scent afar off the truffles whose perfumes escape through the gilded enclosure4 ,you stoop over it two distinct times2 all the nerve centres of your palate have a soul2 you taste the delights of a genuine feast1 etc42 and during this ecstasy a feeling of remorse seizes upon you1 and you go to your wife's room4 ,really1 my dear girl1 we have not means which warrant our buying pates4 ,but it costs us nothing6 ,oh6 ho6 ,yes1 it is ,m4 ,achille's brother who sent it to him4 ,you catch sight of ,m4 ,achille in a corner4 ,the celibate greets you1 he is radiant on seeing that you have accepted the pate4 ,you look at your wife1 who blushes2 you stroke your beard a few times2 and1 as you express no thanks1 the two lovers divine your acceptance of the compensation4 ,a sudden change in the ministry takes place4 ,a husband1 who is ,councillor of ,state1 trembles for fear of being wiped from the roll1 when the night before he had been made director-general2 all the ministers are opposed to him and he has turned ,constitutionalist4 ,foreseeing his disgrace he has betaken himself to ,auteuil1 in search of consolation from an old friend who quotes ,horace and ,tibullus to him4 ,on returning home he sees the table laid as if to receive the most influential men of the assembly4 ,in truth1 madame1 he says with acrimony as he enters his wife's room1 where she is finishing her toilette1 you seem to have lost your habitual tact4 ,this is a nice time to be giving dinner parties6 ,twenty persons will soon learn-- ,that you are director-general6 she cries1 showing him a royal despatch4 ,he is thunderstruck4 ,he takes the letter1 he turns it now one way1 now another2 he opens it4 ,he sits down and spreads it out4 ,i well know1 he says1 that justice would be rendered me under whatever ministers ,i served4 ,yes1 my dear6 ,but ,m4 ,villeplaine has answered for you with his life1 and his eminence the ,cardinal de ----- of whom he is the-- ,m4 de ,villeplaine8 ,this is such a munificent recompense1 that the husband adds with the smile of a director-general3 ,why1 deuce take it1 my dear1 this is your doing6 ,ah6 don't thank me for it2 ,adolphe did it from personal attachment to you4 ,on a certain evening a poor husband was kept at home by a pouring rain1 or tired1 perhaps1 of going to spend his evening in play1 at the cafe1 or in the world1 and sick of all this he felt himself carried away by an impulse to follow his wife to the conjugal chamber4 ,there he sank into an arm-chair and like any sultan awaited his coffee1 as if he would say3 ,well1 after all1 she is my wife6 ,the fair siren herself prepares the favorite draught2 she strains it with special care1 sweetens it1 tastes it1 and hands it to him2 then1 with a smile1 she ventures like a submissive odalisque to make a joke1 with a view to smoothing the wrinkles on the brow of her lord and master4 ,up to that moment he had thought his wife stupid2 but on hearing a sally as witty as that which even you would cajole with1 madame1 he raises his head in the way peculiar to dogs who are hunting the hare4 ,where the devil did she get that--but it's a random shot6 he says to himself4 ,from the pinnacle of his own greatness he makes a piquant repartee4 ,madame retorts1 the conversation becomes as lively as it is interesting1 and this husband1 a very superior man1 is quite astonished to discover the wit of his wife1 in other respects1 an accomplished woman2 the right word occurs to her with wonderful readiness2 her tact and keenness enable her to meet an innuendo with charming originality4 ,she is no longer the same woman4 ,she notices the effect she produces upon her husband1 and both to avenge herself for his neglect and to win his admiration for the lover from whom she has received1 so to speak1 the treasures of her intellect1 she exerts herself1 and becomes actually dazzling4 ,the husband1 better able than any one else to appreciate a species of compensation which may have some influence on his future1 is led to think that the passions of women are really necessary to their mental culture4 ,but how shall we treat those compensations which are most pleasing to husbands8 ,between the moment when the last symptoms appear1 and the epoch of conjugal peace1 which we will not stop to discuss1 almost a dozen years have elapsed4 ,during this interval and before the married couple sign the treaty which1 by means of a sincere reconciliation of the feminine subject with her lawful lord1 consecrates their little matrimonial restoration1 in order to close in1 as ,louis ,,xviii said1 the gulf of revolutions1 it is seldom that the honest woman has but one lover4 ,anarchy has its inevitable phases4 ,the stormy domination of tribunes is supplanted by that of the sword and the pen1 for few loves are met with whose constancy outlives ten years4 ,therefore1 since our calculations prove that an honest woman has merely paid strictly her physiological or diabolical dues by rendering but three men happy1 it is probable that she has set foot in more than one region of love4 ,sometimes it may happen that in an interregnum of love too long protracted1 the wife1 whether from whim1 temptation or the desire of novelty1 undertakes to seduce her own husband4 ,imagine charming ,mme4 de ,t-----1 the heroine of our ,meditation of ,strategy1 saying with a fascinating smile3 ,i never before found you so agreeable6 ,by flattery after flattery1 she tempts1 she rouses curiosity1 she soothes1 she rouses in you the faintest spark of desire1 she carries you away with her1 and makes you proud of yourself4 ,then the right of indemnifications for her husband comes4 ,on this occasion the wife confounds the imagination of her husband4 ,like cosmopolitan travelers she tells tales of all the countries which she had traversed4 ,she intersperses her conversation with words borrowed from several languages4 ,the passionate imagery of the ,orient1 the unique emphasis of ,spanish phraseology1 all meet and jostle one another4 ,she opens out the treasures of her notebook with all the mysteries of coquetry1 she is delightful1 you never saw her thus before6 ,with that remarkable art which women alone possess of making their own everything that has been told them1 she blends all shades and variations of character so as to create a manner peculiarly her own4 ,you received from the hands of ,hymen only one woman1 awkward and innocent2 the celibate returns you a dozen of them4 ,a joyful and rapturous husband sees his bed invaded by the giddy and wanton courtesans1 of whom we spoke in the ,meditation on ,the ,first ,symptoms4 ,these goddesses come in groups1 they smile and sport under the graceful muslin curtains of the nuptial bed4 ,the ,phoenician girl flings to you her garlands1 gently sways herself to and fro2 the ,chalcidian woman overcomes you by the witchery of her fine and snowy feet2 the ,unelmane comes and speaking the dialect of fair ,ionia reveals the treasures of happiness unknown before1 and in the study of which she makes you experience but a single sensation4 ,filled with regret at having disdained so many charms1 and frequently tired of finding too often as much perfidiousness in priestesses of ,venus as in honest women1 the husband sometimes hurries on by his gallantry the hour of reconciliation desired of worthy people4 ,the aftermath of bliss is gathered even with greater pleasure1 perhaps1 than the first crop4 ,the ,minotaur took your gold1 he makes restoration in diamonds4 ,and really now seems the time to state a fact of the utmost importance4 ,a man may have a wife without possessing her4 ,like most husbands you had hitherto received nothing from yours1 and the powerful intervention of the celibate was needed to make your union complete4 ,how shall we give a name to this miracle1 perhaps the only one wrought upon a patient during his absence8 ,alas1 my brothers1 we did not make ,nature6 ,but how many other compensations1 not less precious1 are there1 by which the noble and generous soul of the young celibate may many a time purchase his pardon6 ,i recollect witnessing one of the most magnificent acts of reparation which a lover should perform toward the husband he is minotaurizing4 ,one warm evening in the summer of #ahag1 ,i saw entering one of the rooms of ,tortoni one of the two hundred young men whom we confidently style our friends2 he was in the full bloom of his modesty4 ,a lovely woman1 dressed in perfect taste1 and who had consented to enter one of the cool parlors devoted to people of fashion1 had stepped from an elegant carriage which had stopped on the boulevard1 and was approaching on foot along the sidewalk4 ,my young friend1 the celibate1 then appeared and offered his arm to his queen1 while the husband followed holding by the hand two little boys1 beautiful as cupids4 ,the two lovers1 more nimble than the father of the family1 reached in advance of him one of the small rooms pointed out by the attendant4 ,in crossing the vestibule the husband knocked up against some dandy1 who claimed that he had been jostled4 ,then arose a quarrel1 whose seriousness was betrayed by the sharp tones of the altercation4 ,the moment the dandy was about to make a gesture unworthy of a self-respecting man1 the celibate intervened1 seized the dandy by the arm1 caught him off his guard1 overcame and threw him to the ground2 it was magnificent4 ,he had done the very thing the aggressor was meditating1 as he exclaimed3 ,monsieur6 ,this ,monsieur was one of the finest things ,i have ever heard4 ,it was as if the young celibate had said3 ,this father of a family belongs to me2 as ,i have carried off his honor1 it is mine to defend him4 ,i know my duty1 ,i am his substitute and will fight for him4 ,the young woman behaved superbly6 ,pale1 and bewildered1 she took the arm of her husband1 who continued his objurgations2 without a word she led him away to the carriage1 together with her children4 ,she was one of those women of the aristocracy1 who also know how to retain their dignity and self-control in the midst of violent emotions4 ,o ,monsieur ,adolphe6 cried the young lady as she saw her friend with an air of gayety take his seat in the carriage4 ,it is nothing1 madame1 he is one of my friends2 we have shaken hands4 ,nevertheless1 the next morning1 the courageous celibate received a sword thrust which nearly proved fatal1 and confined him six months to his bed4 ,the attentions of the married couple were lavished upon him4 ,what numerous compensations do we see here6 ,some years afterwards1 an old uncle of the husband1 whose opinions did not fit in with those of the young friend of the house1 and who nursed a grudge against him on account of some political discussion1 undertook to have him driven from the house4 ,the old fellow went so far as to tell his nephew to choose between being his heir and sending away the presumptuous celibate4 ,it was then that the worthy stockbroker said to his uncle3 ,ah1 you must never think1 uncle1 that you will succeed in making me ungrateful6 ,but if ,i tell him to do so this young man will let himself be killed for you4 ,he has saved my credit1 he would go through fire and water for me1 he has relieved me of my wife1 he has brought me clients1 he has procured for me almost all the business in the ,villele loans--,i owe my life to him1 he is the father of my children2 ,i can never forget all this4 ,in this case the compensations may be looked upon as complete2 but unfortunately there are compensations of all kinds4 ,there are those which must be considered negative1 deluding1 and those which are both in one4 ,i knew a husband of advanced years who was possessed by the demon of gambling4 ,almost every evening his wife's lover came and played with him4 ,the celibate gave him a liberal share of the pleasures which come from games of hazard1 and knew how to lose to him a certain number of francs every month2 but madame used to give them to him1 and the compensation was a deluding one4 ,you are a peer of ,france1 and you have no offspring but daughters4 ,your wife is brought to bed of a boy6 ,the compensation is negative4 ,the child who is to save your name from oblivion is like his mother4 ,the duchess persuades you that the child is yours4 ,the negative compensation becomes deluding4 ,here is one of the most charming compensations known4 ,one morning the ,prince de ,ligne meets his wife's lover and rushes up to him1 laughing wildly3 ,my friend1 he says to him1 ,i cuckolded you1 last night6 ,if some husbands attain to conjugal peace by quiet methods1 and carry so gracefully the imaginary ensigns of matrimonial pre-eminence1 their philosophy is doubtless based on the comfortabilisme of accepting certain compensations1 a comfortabilisme which indifferent men cannot imagine4 ,as years roll by the married couple reach the last stage in that artificial existence to which their union has condemned them4 ,,meditation ,,xxix4 ,,of ,,conjugal ,,peace4 ,my imagination has followed marriage through all the phases of its fantastic life in so fraternal a spirit1 that ,i seem to have grown old with the house ,i made my home so early in life at the commencement of this work4 ,after experiencing in thought the ardor of man's first passion2 and outlining1 in however imperfect a way1 the principal incidents of married life2 after struggling against so many wives that did not belong to me1 exhausting myself in conflict with so many personages called up from nothingness1 and joining so many battles1 ,i feel an intellectual lassitude1 which makes me see everything in life hang1 as it were1 in mournful crape4 ,i seem to have a catarrh1 to look at everything through green spectacles1 ,i feel as if my hands trembled1 as if ,i must needs employ the second half of my existence and of my book in apologizing for the follies of the first half4 ,i see myself surrounded by tall children of whom ,i am not the father1 and seated beside a wife ,i never married4 ,i think ,i can feel wrinkles furrowing my brow4 ,the fire before which ,i am placed crackles1 as if in derision1 the room is ancient in its furniture2 ,i shudder with sudden fright as ,i lay my hand upon my heart1 and ask myself3 ,is that1 too1 withered8 ,i am like an old attorney1 unswayed by any sentiment whatever4 ,i never accept any statement unless it be confirmed1 according to the poetic maxim of ,lord ,byron1 by the testimony of at least two false witnesses4 ,no face can delude me4 ,i am melancholy and overcast with gloom4 ,i know the world and it has no more illusions for me4 ,my closest friends have proved traitors4 ,my wife and myself exchange glances of profound meaning and the slightest word either of us utters is a dagger which pierces the heart of the other through and through4 ,i stagnate in a dreary calm4 ,this then is the tranquillity of old age6 ,the old man possesses in himself the cemetery which shall soon possess him4 ,he is growing accustomed to the chill of the tomb4 ,man1 according to philosophers1 dies in detail2 at the same time he may be said even to cheat death2 for that which his withered hand has laid hold upon1 can it be called life8 ,oh1 to die young and throbbing with life6 ',tis a destiny enviable indeed6 ,for is not this1 as a delightful poet has said1 to take away with one all one's illusions1 to be buried like an ,eastern king1 with all one's jewels and treasures1 with all that makes the fortune of humanity6 ,how many thank-offerings ought we to make to the kind and beneficent spirit that breathes in all things here below6 ,indeed1 the care which nature takes to strip us piece by piece of our raiment1 to unclothe the soul by enfeebling gradually our hearing1 sight1 and sense of touch1 in making slower the circulation of our blood1 and congealing our humors so as to make us as insensible to the approach of death as we were to the beginnings of life1 this maternal care which she lavishes on our frail tabernacle of clay1 she also exhibits in regard to the emotions of man1 and to the double existence which is created by conjugal love4 ,she first sends us ,confidence1 which with extended hand and open heart says to us3 ,behold1 ,i am thine forever6 ,lukewarmness follows1 walking with languid tread1 turning aside her blonde face with a yawn1 like a young widow obliged to listen to the minister of state who is ready to sign for her a pension warrant4 ,then ,indifference comes2 she stretches herself on the divan1 taking no care to draw down the skirts of her robe which ,desire but now lifted so chastely and so eagerly4 ,she casts a glance upon the nuptial bed1 with modesty and without shamelessness2 and1 if she longs for anything1 it is for the green fruit that calls up again to life the dulled papillae with which her blase palate is bestrewn4 ,finally the philosophical ,experience of ,life presents herself1 with careworn and disdainful brow1 pointing with her finger to the results1 and not the causes of life's incidents2 to the tranquil victory1 not to the tempestuous combat4 ,she reckons up the arrearages1 with farmers1 and calculates the dowry of a child4 ,she materializes everything4 ,by a touch of her wand1 life becomes solid and springless2 of yore1 all was fluid1 now it is crystallized into rock4 ,delight no longer exists for our hearts1 it has received its sentence1 'twas but mere sensation1 a passing paroxysm4 ,what the soul desires to-day is a condition of fixity2 and happiness alone is permanent1 and consists in absolute tranquillity1 in the regularity with which eating and sleeping succeed each other1 and the sluggish organs perform their functions4 ,this is horrible6 ,i cried2 ,i am young and full of life6 ,perish all the books in the world rather than my illusions should perish6 ,i left my laboratory and plunged into the whirl of ,paris4 ,as ,i saw the fairest faces glide by before me1 ,i felt that ,i was not old4 ,the first young woman who appeared before me1 lovely in face and form and dressed to perfection1 with one glance of fire made all the sorcery whose spells ,i had voluntarily submitted to vanish into thin air4 ,scarcely had ,i walked three steps in the ,tuileries gardens1 the place which ,i had chosen as my destination1 before ,i saw the prototype of the matrimonial situation which has last been described in this book4 ,had ,i desired to characterize1 to idealize1 to personify marriage1 as ,i conceived it to be1 it would have been impossible for the ,creator himself to have produced so complete a symbol of it as ,i then saw before me4 ,imagine a woman of fifty1 dressed in a jacket of reddish brown merino1 holding in her left hand a green cord1 which was tied to the collar of an ,english terrier1 and with her right arm linked with that of a man in knee-breeches and silk stockings1 whose hat had its brim whimsically turned up1 while snow-white tufts of hair like pigeon plumes rose at its sides4 ,a slender queue1 thin as a quill1 tossed about on the back of his sallow neck1 which was thick1 as far as it could be seen above the turned down collar of a threadbare coat4 ,this couple assumed the stately tread of an ambassador2 and the husband1 who was at least seventy1 stopped complaisantly every time the terrier began to gambol4 ,i hastened to pass this living impersonation of my ,meditation1 and was surprised to the last degree to recognize the ,marquis de ,t-----1 friend of the ,comte de ,noce1 who had owed me for a long time the end of the interrupted story which ,i related in the ,theory of the ,bed4 ,see ,meditation ,,xvii4 ,i have the honor to present to you the ,marquise de ,t-----1 he said to me4 ,i made a low bow to a lady whose face was pale and wrinkled2 her forehead was surmounted by a toupee1 whose flattened ringlets1 ranged around it1 deceived no one1 but only emphasized1 instead of concealing1 the wrinkles by which it was deeply furrowed4 ,the lady was slightly roughed1 and had the appearance of an old country actress4 ,i do not see1 sir1 what you can say against a marriage such as ours1 said the old man to me4 ,the laws of ,rome forefend6 ,i cried1 laughing4 ,the marchioness gave me a look filled with inquietude as well as disapprobation1 which seemed to say1 ,is it possible that at my age ,i have become but a concubine8 ,we sat down upon a bench1 in the gloomy clump of trees planted at the corner of the high terrace which commands ,la ,place ,louis ,,xv1 on the side of the ,garde-,meuble4 ,autumn had already begun to strip the trees of their foliage1 and was scattering before our eyes the yellow leaves of his garland2 but the sun nevertheless filled the air with grateful warmth4 ,well1 is your work finished8 asked the old man1 in the unctuous tones peculiar to men of the ancient aristocracy4 ,and with these words he gave a sardonic smile1 as if for commentary4 ,very nearly1 sir1 ,i replied4 ,i have come to the philosophic situation1 which you appear to have reached1 but ,i confess that ,i-- ,you are searching for ideas8 he added--finishing for me a sentence1 which ,i confess ,i did not know how to end4 ,well1 he continued1 you may boldly assume1 that on arriving at the winter of his life1 a man--a man who thinks1 ,i mean--ends by denying that love has any existence1 in the wild form with which our illusions invested it6 ,what6 would you deny the existence of love on the day after that of marriage8 ,in the first place1 the day after would be the very reason2 but my marriage was a commercial speculation1 replied he1 stooping to speak into my ear4 ,i have thereby purchased the care1 the attention1 the services which ,i need2 and ,i am certain to obtain all the consideration my age demands2 for ,i have willed all my property to my nephew1 and as my wife will be rich only during my life1 you can imagine how-- ,i turned on the old marquis a look so piercing that he wrung my hand and said3 ,you seem to have a good heart1 for nothing is certain in this life-- ,well1 you may be sure that ,i have arranged a pleasant surprise for her in my will1 he replied1 gayly4 ,come here1 ,joseph1 cried the marchioness1 approaching a servant who carried an overcoat lined with silk4 ,the marquis is probably feeling the cold4 ,the old marquis put on his overcoat1 buttoned it up1 and taking my arm1 led me to the sunny side of the terrace4 ,in your work1 he continued1 you have doubtless spoken of the love of a young man4 ,well1 if you wish to act up to the scope which you give to your work--in the word ec--elec-- ,eclectic1 ,i said1 smiling1 seeing he could not remember this philosophic term4 ,i know the word well6 he replied4 ,if then you wish to keep your vow of eclecticism1 you should be willing to express certain virile ideas on the subject of love which ,i will communicate to you1 and ,i will not grudge you the benefit of them1 if benefit there be2 ,i wish to bequeath my property to you1 but this will be all that you will get of it4 ,there is no money fortune which is worth as much as a fortune of ideas if they be valuable ideas6 ,i shall1 therefore1 listen to you with a grateful mind4 ,there is no such thing as love1 pursued the old man1 fixing his gaze upon me4 ,it is not even a sentiment1 it is an unhappy necessity1 which is midway between the needs of the body and those of the soul4 ,but siding for a moment with your youthful thoughts1 let us try to reason upon this social malady4 ,i suppose that you can only conceive of love as either a need or a sentiment4 ,i made a sign of assent4 ,considered as a need1 said the old man1 love makes itself felt last of all our needs1 and is the first to cease4 ,we are inclined to love in our twentieth year1 to speak in round numbers1 and we cease to do so at fifty4 ,during these thirty years1 how often would the need be felt1 if it were not for the provocation of city manners1 and the modern custom of living in the presence of not one woman1 but of women in general8 ,what is our debt to the perpetuation of the race8 ,it probably consists in producing as many children as we have breasts--so that if one dies the other may live4 ,if these two children were always faithfully produced1 what would become of nations8 ,thirty millions of people would constitute a population too great for ,france1 for the soil is not sufficient to guarantee more than ten millions against misery and hunger4 ,remember that ,china is reduced to the expedient of throwing its children into the water1 according to the accounts of travelers4 ,now this production of two children is really the whole of marriage4 ,the superfluous pleasures of marriage are not only profligate1 but involve an immense loss to the man1 as ,i will now demonstrate4 ,compare then with this poverty of result1 and shortness of duration1 the daily and perpetual urgency of other needs of our existence4 ,nature reminds us every hour of our real needs2 and1 on the other hand1 refuses absolutely to grant the excess which our imagination sometimes craves in love4 ,it is1 therefore1 the last of our needs1 and the only one which may be forgotten without causing any disturbance in the economy of the body4 ,love is a social luxury like lace and diamonds4 ,but if we analyze it as a sentiment1 we find two distinct elements in it2 namely1 pleasure and passion4 ,now analyze pleasure4 ,human affections rest upon two foundations1 attraction and repulsion4 ,attraction is a universal feeling for those things which flatter our instinct of self-preservation2 repulsion is the exercise of the same instinct when it tells us that something is near which threatens it with injury4 ,everything which profoundly moves our organization gives us a deeper sense of our existence2 such a thing is pleasure4 ,it is contracted of desire1 of effort1 and the joy of possessing something or other4 ,pleasure is a unique element in life1 and our passions are nothing but modifications1 more or less keen1 of pleasure2 moreover1 familiarity with one pleasure almost always precludes the enjoyment of all others4 ,now1 love is the least keen and the least durable of our pleasures4 ,in what would you say the pleasure of love consists8 ,does it lie in the beauty of the beloved8 ,in one evening you may obtain for money the loveliest odalisques2 but at the end of a month you will in this way have burnt out all your sentiment for all time4 ,would you love a women because she is well dressed1 elegant1 rich1 keeps a carriage1 has commercial credit8 ,do not call this love1 for it is vanity1 avarice1 egotism4 ,do you love her because she is intellectual8 ,you are in that case merely obeying the dictates of literary sentiment4 ,but1 ,i said1 love only reveals its pleasures to those who mingle in one their thoughts1 their fortunes1 their sentiments1 their souls1 their lives-- ,oh dear1 dear6 cried the old man1 in a jeering tone4 ,can you show me five men in any nation who have sacrificed anything for a woman8 ,i do not say their life1 for that is a slight thing1--the price of a human life under ,napoleon was never more than twenty thousand francs2 and there are in ,france to-day two hundred and fifty thousand brave men who would give theirs for two inches of red ribbon2 while seven men have sacrificed for a woman ten millions on which they might have slept in solitude for a whole night4 ,dubreuil and ,phmeja are still rarer than is the love of ,dupris and ,bolingbroke4 ,these sentiments proceed from an unknown cause4 ,but you have brought me thus to consider love as a passion4 ,yes1 indeed1 it is the last of them all and the most contemptible4 ,it promises everything1 and fulfils nothing4 ,it comes1 like love1 as a need1 the last1 and dies away the first4 ,ah1 talk to me of revenge1 hatred1 avarice1 of gaming1 of ambition1 of fanaticism4 ,these passions have something virile in them2 these sentiments are imperishable2 they make sacrifices every day1 such as love only makes by fits and starts4 ,but1 he went on1 suppose you abjure love4 ,at first there will be no disquietudes1 no anxieties1 no worry1 none of those little vexations that waste human life4 ,a man lives happy and tranquil2 in his social relations he becomes infinitely more powerful and influential4 ,this divorce from the thing called love is the primary secret of power in all men who control large bodies of men2 but this is a mere trifle4 ,ah6 if you knew with what magic influence a man is endowed1 what wealth of intellectual force1 what longevity in physical strength he enjoys1 when detaching himself from every species of human passion he spends all his energy to the profit of his soul6 ,if you could enjoy for two minutes the riches which ,god dispenses to the enlightened men who consider love as merely a passing need which it is sufficient to satisfy for six months in their twentieth year2 to the men who1 scorning the luxurious and surfeiting beefsteaks of ,normandy1 feed on the roots which ,god has given in abundance1 and take their repose on a bed of withered leaves1 like the recluses of the ,thebaid6--ah6 you would not keep on three seconds the wool of fifteen merinos which covers you2 you would fling away your childish switch1 and go to live in the heaven of heavens6 ,there you would find the love you sought in vain amid the swine of earth2 there you would hear a concert of somewhat different melody from that of ,m4 ,rossini1 voices more faultless than that of ,malibran4 ,but ,i am speaking as a blind man might1 and repeating hearsays4 ,if ,i had not visited ,germany about the year #agia1 ,i should know nothing of all this4 ,yes6--man has a vocation for the infinite4 ,there dwells within him an instinct that calls him to ,god4 ,god is all1 gives all1 brings oblivion on all1 and thought is the thread which he has given us as a clue to communication with himself6 ,he suddenly stopped1 and fixed his eyes upon the heavens4 ,the poor fellow has lost his wits6 ,i thought to myself4 ,sir1 ,i said to him1 it would be pushing my devotion to eclectic philosophy too far to insert your ideas in my book2 they would destroy it4 ,everything in it is based on love1 platonic and sensual4 ,god forbid that ,i should end my book by such social blasphemies6 ,i would rather try to return by some pantagruelian subtlety to my herd of celibates and honest women1 with many an attempt to discover some social utility in their passions and follies4 ,oh6 if conjugal peace leads us to arguments so disillusionizing and so gloomy as these1 ,i know a great many husbands who would prefer war to peace4 ,at any rate1 young man1 the old marquis cried1 ,i shall never have to reproach myself with refusing to give true directions to a traveler who had lost his way4 ,adieu1 thou old carcase6 ,i said to myself2 adieu1 thou walking marriage6 ,adieu1 thou stick of a burnt-out fire-work6 ,adieu1 thou machine6 ,although ,i have given thee from time to time some glimpses of people dear to me1 old family portraits1--back with you to the picture dealer's shop1 to ,madame de ,t-----1 and all the rest of them2 take your place round the bier with undertaker's mutes1 for all ,i care6 ,,meditation ,,xxx4 ,,conclusion4 ,a recluse1 who was credited with the gift of second sight1 having commanded the children of ,israel to follow him to a mountain top in order to hear the revelation of certain mysteries1 saw that he was accompanied by a crowd which took up so much room on the road that1 prophet as he was1 his amour-propre was vastly tickled4 ,but as the mountain was a considerable distance off1 it happened that at the first halt1 an artisan remembered that he had to deliver a new pair of slippers to a duke and peer1 a publican fell to thinking how he had some specie to negotiate1 and off they went4 ,a little further on two lovers lingered under the olive trees and forgot the discourse of the prophet2 for they thought that the promised land was the spot where they stood1 and the divine word was heard when they talked to one another4 ,the fat people1 loaded with punches a la ,sancho1 had been wiping their foreheads with their handkerchiefs1 for the last quarter of an hour1 and began to grow thirsty1 and therefore halted beside a clear spring4 ,certain retired soldiers complained of the corns which tortured them1 and spoke of ,austerlitz1 and of their tight boots4 ,at the second halt1 certain men of the world whispered together3 ,but this prophet is a fool4 ,have you ever heard him8 ,i8 ,i came from sheer curiosity4 ,and ,i because ,i saw the fellow had a large following4 7,the last man who spoke was a fashionable47 ,he is a mere charlatan4 ,the prophet kept marching on4 ,but when he reached the plateau1 from which a wide horizon spread before him1 he turned back1 and saw no one but a poor ,israelite1 to whom he might have said as the ,prince de ,ligne to the wretched little bandy-legged drummer boy1 whom he found on the spot where he expected to see a whole garrison awaiting him3 ,well1 my readers1 it seems that you have dwindled down to one4 ,thou man of ,god who has followed me so far--,i hope that a short recapitulation will not terrify thee1 and ,i have traveled on under the impression that thou1 like me1 hast kept saying to thyself1 ,where the deuce are we going8 ,well1 well1 this is the place and the time to ask you1 respected reader1 what your opinion is with regard to the renewal of the tobacco monopoly1 and what you think of the exorbitant taxes on wines1 on the right to carry firearms1 on gaming1 on lotteries1 on playing cards1 on brandy1 on soap1 cotton1 silks1 etc4 ,i think that since all these duties make up one-third of the public revenues1 we should be seriously embarrassed if-- ,so that1 my excellent model husband1 if no one got drunk1 or gambled1 or smoked1 or hunted1 in a word if we had neither vices1 passions1 nor maladies in ,france1 the ,state would be within an ace of bankruptcy2 for it seems that the capital of our national income consists of popular corruptions1 as our commerce is kept alive by national luxury4 ,if you cared to look a little closer into the matter you would see that all taxes are based upon some moral malady4 ,as a matter of fact1 if we continue this philosophical scrutiny it will appear that the gendarmes would want horses and leather breeches1 if every one kept the peace1 and if there were neither foes nor idle people in the world4 ,therefore impose virtue on mankind6 ,well1 ,i consider that there are more parallels than people think between my honest woman and the budget1 and ,i will undertake to prove this by a short essay on statistics1 if you will permit me to finish my book on the same lines as those on which ,i have begun it4 ,will you grant that a lover must put on more clean shirts than are worn by either a husband1 or a celibate unattached8 ,this to me seems beyond doubt4 ,the difference between a husband and a lover is seen even in the appearance of their toilette4 ,the one is careless1 he is unshaved1 and the other never appears excepting in full dress4 ,sterne has pleasantly remarked that the account book of the laundress was the most authentic record he knew1 as to the life of ,tristram ,shandy2 and that it was easy to guess from the number of shirts he wore what passages of his book had cost him most4 ,well1 with regard to lovers the account book of their laundresses is the most faithful historic record as well as the most impartial account of their various amours4 ,and really a prodigious quantity of tippets1 cravats1 dresses1 which are absolutely necessary to coquetry1 is consumed in the course of an amour4 ,a wonderful prestige is gained by white stockings1 the lustre of a collar1 or a shirt-waist1 the artistically arranged folds of a man's shirt1 or the taste of his necktie or his collar4 ,this will explain the passages in which ,i said of the honest woman ,meditation ,,ii1 ,she spends her life in having her dresses starched4 ,i have sought information on this point from a lady in order to learn accurately at what sum was to be estimated the tax thus imposed by love1 and after fixing it at one hundred francs per annum for a woman1 ,i recollect what she said with great good humor3 ,it depends on the character of the man1 for some are so much more particular than others4 ,nevertheless1 after a very profound discussion1 in which ,i settled upon the sum for the celibates1 and she for her sex1 it was agreed that1 one thing with another1 since the two lovers belong to the social sphere which this work concerns1 they ought to spend between them1 in the matter referred to1 one hundred and fifty francs more than in time of peace4 ,by a like treaty1 friendly in character and long discussed1 we arranged that there should be a collective difference of four hundred francs between the expenditure for all parts of the dress on a war footing1 and for that on a peace footing4 ,this provision was considered very paltry by all the powers1 masculine or feminine1 whom we consulted4 ,the light thrown upon these delicate matters by the contributions of certain persons suggested to us the idea of gathering together certain savants at a dinner party1 and taking their wise counsels for our guidance in these important investigations4 ,the gathering took place4 ,it was with glass in hand and after listening to many brilliant speeches that ,i received for the following chapters on the budget of love1 a sort of legislative sanction4 ,the sum of one hundred francs was allowed for porters and carriages4 ,fifty crowns seemed very reasonable for the little patties that people eat on a walk1 for bouquets of violets and theatre tickets4 ,the sum of two hundred francs was considered necessary for the extra expense of dainties and dinners at restaurants4 ,it was during this discussion that a young cavalryman1 who had been made almost tipsy by the champagne1 was called to order for comparing lovers to distilling machines4 ,but the chapter that gave occasion for the most violent discussion1 and the consideration of which was adjourned for several weeks1 when a report was made1 was that concerning presents4 ,at the last session1 the refined ,madame de ,d----- was the first speaker2 and in a graceful address1 which testified to the nobility of her sentiments1 she set out to demonstrate that most of the time the gifts of love had no intrinsic value4 ,the author replied that all lovers had their portraits taken4 ,a lady objected that a portrait was invested capital1 and care should always be taken to recover it for a second investment4 ,but suddenly a gentleman of ,provence rose to deliver a philippic against women4 ,he spoke of the greediness which most women in love exhibited for furs1 satins1 silks1 jewels and furniture2 but a lady interrupted him by asking if ,madame d',o-----y1 his intimate friend1 had not already paid his debts twice over4 ,you are mistaken1 madame1 said the ,provencal1 it was her husband4 ,the speaker is called to order1 cried the president1 and condemned to dine the whole party1 for having used the word husband4 ,the ,provencal was completely refuted by a lady who undertook to prove that women show much more self-sacrifice in love than men2 that lovers cost very dear1 and that the honest woman may consider herself very fortunate if she gets off with spending on them two thousand francs for a single year4 ,the discussion was in danger of degenerating into an exchange of personalities1 when a division was called for4 ,the conclusions of the committee were adopted by vote4 ,the conclusions were1 in substance1 that the amount for presents between lovers during the year should be reckoned at five hundred francs1 but that in this computation should be included3 7#a7 the expense of expeditions into the country2 7#b7 the pharmaceutical expenses1 occasioned by the colds caught from walking in the damp pathways of parks1 and in leaving the theatre1 which expenses are veritable presents2 7#c7 the carrying of letters1 and law expenses2 7#d7 journeys1 and expenses whose items are forgotten1 without counting the follies committed by the spenders2 inasmuch as1 according to the investigations of the committee1 it had been proved that most of a man's extravagant expenditure profited the opera girls1 rather than the married women4 ,the conclusion arrived at from this pecuniary calculation was that1 in one way or another1 a passion costs nearly fifteen hundred francs a year1 which were required to meet the expense borne more unequally by lovers1 but which would not have occurred1 but for their attachment4 ,there was also a sort of unanimity in the opinion of the council that this was the lowest annual figure which would cover the cost of a passion4 ,now1 my dear sir1 since we have proved1 by the statistics of our conjugal calculations ,see ,meditations ,i1 ,,ii1 and ,,iii4 and proved irrefragably1 that there exists a floating total of at least fifteen hundred thousand unlawful passions1 it follows3 ,that the criminal conversations of a third among the ,french population contribute a sum of nearly three thousand millions to that vast circulation of money1 the true blood of society1 of which the budget is the heart2 ,that the honest woman not only gives life to the children of the peerage1 but also to its financial funds2 ,that manufacturers owe their prosperity to this systolic movement2 ,that the honest woman is a being essentially budgetative1 and active as a consumer2 ,that the least decline in public love would involve incalculable miseries to the treasury1 and to men of invested fortunes2 ,that a husband has at least a third of his fortune invested in the inconstancy of his wife1 etc4 ,i am well aware that you are going to open your mouth and talk to me about manners1 politics1 good and evil4 ,but1 my dear victim of the ,minotaur1 is not happiness the object which all societies should set before them8 ,is it not this axiom that makes these wretched kings give themselves so much trouble about their people8 ,well1 the honest woman has not1 like them1 thrones1 gendarmes and tribunals2 she has only a bed to offer2 but if our four hundred thousand women can1 by this ingenious machine1 make a million celibates happy1 do not they attain in a mysterious manner1 and without making any fuss1 the end aimed at by a government1 namely1 the end of giving the largest possible amount of happiness to the mass of mankind8 ,yes1 but the annoyances1 the children1 the troubles-- ,ah1 you must permit me to proffer the consolatory thought with which one of our wittiest caricaturists closes his satiric observations3 ,man is not perfect6 ,it is sufficient1 therefore1 that our institutions have no more disadvantages than advantages in order to be reckoned excellent2 for the human race is not placed1 socially speaking1 between the good and the bad1 but between the bad and the worse4 ,now if the work1 which we are at present on the point of concluding1 has had for its object the diminution of the worse1 as it is found in matrimonial institutions1 in laying bare the errors and absurdities due to our manners and our prejudices1 we shall certainly have won one of the fairest titles that can be put forth by a man to a place among the benefactors of humanity4 ,has not the author made it his aim1 by advising husbands1 to make women more self-restrained and consequently to impart more violence to passions1 more money to the treasury1 more life to commerce and agriculture8 ,thanks to this last ,meditation he can flatter himself that he has strictly kept the vow of eclecticism1 which he made in projecting the work1 and he hopes he has marshaled all details of the case1 and yet like an attorney-general refrained from expressing his personal opinion4 ,and really what do you want with an axiom in the present matter8 ,do you wish that this book should be a mere development of the last opinion held by ,tronchet1 who in his closing days thought that the law of marriage had been drawn up less in the interest of husbands than of children8 ,i also wish it very much4 ,would you rather desire that this book should serve as proof to the peroration of the ,capuchin1 who preached before ,anne of ,austria1 and when he saw the queen and her ladies overwhelmed by his triumphant arguments against their frailty1 said as he came down from the pulpit of truth1 ,now you are all honorable women1 and it is we who unfortunately are sons of ,samaritan women8 ,i have no objection to that either4 ,you may draw what conclusion you please2 for ,i think it is very difficult to put forth two contrary opinions1 without both of them containing some grains of truth4 ,but the book has not been written either for or against marriage2 all ,i have thought you needed was an exact description of it4 ,if an examination of the machine shall lead us to make one wheel of it more perfect2 if by scouring away some rust we have given more elastic movement to its mechanism2 then give his wage to the workman4 ,if the author has had the impertinence to utter truths too harsh for you1 if he has too often spoken of rare and exceptional facts as universal1 if he has omitted the commonplaces which have been employed from time immemorial to offer women the incense of flattery1 oh1 let him be crucified6 ,but do not impute to him any motive of hostility to the institution itself2 he is concerned merely for men and women4 ,he knows that from the moment marriage ceases to defeat the purpose of marriage1 it is unassailable2 and1 after all1 if there do arise serious complaints against this institution1 it is perhaps because man has no memory excepting for his disasters1 that he accuses his wife1 as he accuses his life1 for marriage is but a life within a life4 ,yet people whose habit it is to take their opinions from newspapers would perhaps despise a book in which they see the mania of eclecticism pushed too far2 for then they absolutely demand something in the shape of a peroration1 it is not hard to find one for them4 ,and since the words of ,napoleon served to start this book1 why should it not end as it began8 ,before the whole ,council of ,state the ,first ,consul pronounced the following startling phrase1 in which he at the same time eulogized and satirized marriage1 and summed up the contents of this book3 ,if a man never grew old1 ,i would never wish him to have a wife6 ,,postscript4 ,and so you are going to be married8 asked the duchess of the author who had read his manuscript to her4 ,she was one of those ladies to whom the author has already paid his respects in the introduction of this work4 ,certainly1 madame1 ,i replied4 ,to meet a woman who has courage enough to become mine1 would satisfy the wildest of my hopes4 ,is this resignation or infatuation8 ,that is my affair4 ,well1 sir1 as you are doctor of conjugal arts and sciences1 allow me to tell you a little ,oriental fable1 that ,i read in a certain sheet1 which is published annually in the form of an almanac4 ,at the beginning of the ,empire ladies used to play at a game in which no one accepted a present from his or her partner in the game1 without saying the word1 ,diadeste4 ,a game lasted1 as you may well suppose1 during a week1 and the point was to catch some one receiving some trifle or other without pronouncing the sacramental word4 ,even a kiss8 ,oh1 ,i have won the ,diadeste twenty times in that way1 she laughingly replied4 ,it was1 ,i believe1 from the playing of this game1 whose origin is ,arabian or ,chinese1 that my apologue takes its point4 ,but if ,i tell you1 she went on1 putting her finger to her nose1 with a charming air of coquetry1 let me contribute it as a finale to your work4 ,this would indeed enrich me4 ,you have done me so many favors already1 that ,i cannot repay-- ,she smiled slyly1 and replied as follows3 ,a philosopher had compiled a full account of all the tricks that women could possibly play1 and in order to verify it1 he always carried it about with him4 ,one day he found himself in the course of his travels near an encampment of ,arabs4 ,a young woman1 who had seated herself under the shade of a palm tree1 rose on his approach4 ,she kindly asked him to rest himself in her tent1 and he could not refuse4 ,her husband was then absent4 ,scarcely had the traveler seated himself on a soft rug1 when the graceful hostess offered him fresh dates1 and a cup of milk2 he could not help observing the rare beauty of her hands as she did so4 ,but1 in order to distract his mind from the sensations roused in him by the fair young ,arabian girl1 whose charms were most formidable1 the sage took his book1 and began to read4 ,the seductive creature piqued by this slight said to him in a melodious voice3 ,that book must be very interesting since it seems to be the sole object worthy of your attention4 ,would it be taking a liberty to ask what science it treats of8 ,the philosopher kept his eyes lowered as he replied3 ,the subject of this book is beyond the comprehension of ladies4 ,this rebuff excited more than ever the curiosity of the young ,arabian woman4 ,she put out the prettiest little foot that had ever left its fleeting imprint on the shifting sands of the desert4 ,the philosopher was perturbed1 and his eyes were too powerfully tempted to resist wandering from these feet1 which betokened so much1 up to the bosom1 which was still more ravishingly fair2 and soon the flame of his admiring glance was mingled with the fire that sparkled in the pupils of the young ,asiatic4 ,she asked again the name of the book in tones so sweet that the philosopher yielded to the fascination1 and replied3 ,i am the author of the book2 but the substance of it is not mine3 it contains an account of all the ruses and stratagems of women4 ,what6 ,absolutely all8 said the daughter of the desert4 ,yes1 all6 ,and it has been only by a constant study of womankind that ,i have come to regard them without fear4 ,ah6 said the young ,arabian girl1 lowering the long lashes of her white eyelids4 ,then1 suddenly darting the keenest of her glances at the pretended sage1 she made him in one instant forget the book and all its contents4 ,and now our philosopher was changed to the most passionate of men4 ,thinking he saw in the bearing of the young woman a faint trace of coquetry1 the stranger was emboldened to make an avowal4 ,how could he resist doing so8 ,the sky was blue1 the sand blazed in the distance like a scimitar of gold1 the wind of the desert breathed love1 and the woman of ,arabia seemed to reflect all the fire with which she was surrounded2 her piercing eyes were suffused with a mist2 and by a slight nod of the head she seemed to make the luminous atmosphere undulate1 as she consented to listen to the stranger's words of love4 ,the sage was intoxicated with delirious hopes1 when the young woman1 hearing in the distance the gallop of a horse which seemed to fly1 exclaimed3 ,we are lost6 ,my husband is sure to catch us4 ,he is jealous as a tiger1 and more pitiless than one4 ,in the name of the prophet1 if you love your life1 conceal yourself in this chest6 ,the author1 frightened out of his wits1 seeing no other way of getting out of a terrible fix1 jumped into the box1 and crouched down there4 ,the woman closed down the lid1 locked it1 and took the key4 ,she ran to meet her husband1 and after some caresses which put him into a good humor1 she said3 ,i must relate to you a very singular adventure ,i have just had4 ,i am listening1 my gazelle1 replied the ,arab1 who sat down on a rug and crossed his feet after the ,oriental manner4 ,there arrived here to-day a kind of philosopher1 she began1 he professes to have compiled a book which describes all the wiles of which my sex is capable2 and then this sham sage made love to me4 ,well1 go on6 cried the ,arab4 ,i listened to his avowal4 ,he was young1 ardent--and you came just in time to save my tottering virtue4 ,the ,arab leaped to his feet like a lion1 and drew his scimitar with a shout of fury4 ,the philosopher heard all from the depths of the chest and consigned to ,hades his book1 and all the men and women of ,arabia ,petraea4 ,fatima6 cried the husband1 if you would save your life1 answer me --,where is the traitor8 ,terrified at the tempest which she had roused1 ,fatima threw herself at her husband's feet1 and trembling beneath the point of his sword1 she pointed out the chest with a prompt though timid glance of her eye4 ,then she rose to her feet1 as if in shame1 and taking the key from her girdle presented it to the jealous ,arab2 but1 just as he was about to open the chest1 the sly creature burst into a peal of laughter4 ,faroun stopped with a puzzled expression1 and looked at his wife in amazement4 ,so ,i shall have my fine chain of gold1 after all6 she cried1 dancing for joy4 ,you have lost the ,diadeste4 ,be more mindful next time4 ,the husband1 thunderstruck1 let fall the key1 and offered her the longed-for chain on bended knee1 and promised to bring to his darling ,fatima all the jewels brought by the caravan in a year1 if she would refrain from winning the ,diadeste by such cruel stratagems4 ,then1 as he was an ,arab1 and did not like forfeiting a chain of gold1 although his wife had fairly won it1 he mounted his horse again1 and galloped off1 to complain at his will1 in the desert1 for he loved ,fatima too well to let her see his annoyance4 ,the young woman then drew forth the philosopher from the chest1 and gravely said to him1 ,do not forget1 ,master ,doctor1 to put this feminine trick into your collection4 ,madame1 said ,i to the duchess1 ,i understand6 ,if ,i marry1 ,i am bound to be unexpectedly outwitted by some infernal trick or other2 but ,i shall in that case1 you may be quite sure1 furnish a model household for the admiration of my contemporaries4 ,,paris1 #ahbd-bi4