,copyright 7,c7 #bjah by ,david ,wyllie4 ,this translation is licensed under the ,creative ,commons ,attribution-,non,commercial-,no,derivat ives #d4j ,international ,license1 which appears below and may be found online at http3_/_/creativecommons4org_/licenses_/ by-nc-nd_/#d4j_/ ,,siddhartha ,a poem of ,india by ,hermann ,hesse ,translated into ,english by ,david ,wyllie ,,part ,,one ,dedicated to my revered friend1 ,romain ,rolland ,,the ,,brahmin',s ,,son ,in the shade of the house1 in the sunshine on the river bank where the boats were1 in the shade of the forest of shala trees1 in the shade of the fig tree1 this is where ,siddhartha grew up1 the brahmin's most handsome son1 the young falcon1 alongside his friend ,govinda1 the brahmin's son4 ,his pale shoulders were bronzed by the sunshine on the river bank1 when he was bathing1 when performing ceremonious ablutions1 when making holy sacrifices4 ,shadow flowed into his dark eyes in the mango groves1 when playing boyish games1 when his mother sang1 when he talked with the wise ones4 ,siddhartha spent many hours in conversation with the wise ones1 he practised his skills of rhetoric with ,govinda1 practised the art of thought with ,govinda1 in order to achieve mystic contemplation4 ,he was already able to utter the holy word1 ,om1 in silence1 the word of words1 in silence to utter it and draw it in with his breath1 in silence to utter it and send it out with his breath1 his mind collected1 his brow surrounded with the light of the clear-thinking soul4 ,he was already able to understand1 in his innermost being1 the nature of ,atman1 indestructible1 at one with the universe4 ,joy sprang up in his father's heart when he saw his son1 the learned one1 the one with a thirst for knowledge1 joy sprang up when he foretold that he would grow into a wise man and a priest1 a prince among the brahmins4 ,bliss sprang up in his mother's breast when she saw her son1 when she saw him walk1 when she saw him sit down and stand up1 ,siddhartha1 the strong one1 the handsome one1 walking on his slender legs1 when1 with perfect decorum1 he her offered her his greetings4 ,love was stirred in the hearts of the brahmins' daughters when they saw ,siddhartha walk through the streets of the town1 his luminous brow1 the eyes of a king1 his narrow hips4 ,but the one who loved him more than all the others was ,govinda1 his friend1 the brahmin's son4 ,he loved ,siddhartha's eyes and his noble voice1 he loved his walk and the perfect grace of his movements1 he loved everything that ,siddhartha did or said1 and most of all he loved his soul1 his lofty and fiery thoughts1 the bright glow of his will1 his lofty vocation4 ,govinda knew that ,siddhartha would never become a mediocre brahmin1 no lazy officiator of sacrifices1 no greedy peddler of magic spells1 no rhetorician of vain and empty speech1 no sly or malevolent priest1 and also never become a good but stupid sheep in the flock of many4 ,no1 and he too1 ,govinda1 had no wish to become one such1 not one of those brahmans that are numbered in their thousands4 ,he wanted to be a follower of ,siddhartha1 the beloved1 the noble4 ,and if ,siddhartha ever became a god1 if he ever went to join the luminous ones1 then ,govinda would follow him1 as his friend1 as his companion1 as his servant1 as his spear carrier1 his shadow4 ,everyone loved ,siddhartha in the same way4 ,to everyone he brought joy4 ,to himself1 though1 ,siddhartha did not bring joy4 ,wandering between the roses in the fig garden1 sitting in the bluish shade in the grove of contemplation1 washing his limbs in his daily act of atonement1 performing sacrifice in the dark shade of the mango wood1 all his movements as they should be1 loved by all1 joy to all1 he nonetheless carried no joy in his own heart4 ,tears came to him1 restless thoughts came to him from the water of the river as it flowed1 from the stars of the night as they sparkled1 from the rays of the ,sun as they blazed1 dreams came to him and a restlessness of the soul1 from the smoke of his sacrifices1 from the verses of the ,rig ,veda as he breathed them1 from the teachings of the ancient brahmins as they seeped into him4 ,siddhartha had begun to nurture discontent in himself4 ,he had begun to feel that his father's love1 and his mother's love1 and the love of his friend1 ,govinda1 would not always and for all time bring him happiness1 calm him1 satisfy him1 be enough for him4 ,he had begun to see that his venerable father and his other teachers1 the wise brahmins1 had already given him almost all of their wisdom1 all the best of their wisdom1 that their fullness had already been poured into his vessel1 receptive and ready to accept it1 and that the vessel was not full1 the spirit was not satisfied1 the soul was not quieted1 the heart was not at peace4 ,the washings were good1 but they were water1 they did not wash sins away1 they did not assuage the thirst of the soul1 they did not dispel the pain of the heart4 ,most important of all were the sacrifices and the call of the gods - but was that all8 ,did the sacrifices bring happiness8 ,and how did the gods feel about that8 ,was it really ,prajapati who had created the world8 ,was it not ,atman1 him1 the only one1 the all-in-one8 ,were the gods not forms that had been created like you and me1 subject to time1 mortal8 ,so was it good to make sacrifice to the gods1 was it proper1 was it a meaningful and elevated act8 ,whom else would you make sacrifice to1 whom else should you offer your veneration to other than ,him1 the one and only1 ,atman8 ,and where was ,atman to be found1 where did ,he live1 where did ,his eternal heart beat1 where else but in the ,self1 in the ,deepest1 in the ,indestructible that every man carried in himself8 ,but where1 where was this ,self1 this ,deepest1 this ,ultimate8 ,it was not made of flesh and bone1 it was not thought or consciousness1 that is was the wisest men taught4 ,where1 where was it then8 ,to pierce through to the ,self1 to me1 to ,atman - was there any other way worth seeking out8 ,but no-one showed him this way1 no-one knew it1 not his father1 not his teachers or the wise men1 not the sacred songs of sacrifice6 ,they knew everything1 the brahmins and their holy books1 knew everything1 they had made great efforts into everything and into more than everything1 the creation of the world1 the origins of speech1 food1 breathing in and breathing out1 the hierarchy of sins1 the acts of the gods - their knowledge was boundless - but was it worth knowing all of this when there was one single thing they did not know1 the thing of highest importance1 the only thing of importance8 ,it was true that many verses in the holy scriptures1 magnificent verses such as the ,upanishads of the ,samaveda1 spoke of this deepest and ultimate thing4 8,your soul is the entire world10 was written there1 and it was written that man in his sleep1 deep sleep1 enters into his deepest part and lives in ,atman4 ,great wisdom was written in these verses1 all the knowledge of the wisest was collected here and presented in words of magic1 as pure as the honey collected from the bees4 ,no1 the enormous amount of knowledge here1 assembled and preserved through countless generations of wise brahmins1 was not to be under-valued4 - but where were the brahmins1 where were the priests1 where were the wise men and the penitents who had succeeded not only in learning this deepest wisdom but in living it8 ,where was the gifted one who1 by his magic1 would draw the essence of ,atman out of its sleep and make it alert1 something that was alive in its coming and going1 in word and deed8 ,siddhartha knew many venerable brahmins1 most of all he knew his father1 the pure one1 the learned one1 the most venerable of all4 ,his father was an admirable man1 quiet and noble in his manner1 pure his life1 wise his words1 in his brow lived fine and noble thoughts - but even he1 who had so much knowledge2 ,did he live in holiness1 was he at peace1 was he1 too1 not just another seeker1 just another thirsty one8 ,did he not1 over and again1 need to go to the well to assuage his thirst1 did he not need to make sacrifice1 read books and debate his beliefs with the brahmins8 ,why did he1 the immaculate one1 need to wash his sins away every day1 strive to become pure every day1 every day again and again8 ,was ,atman not a part of him1 did the source not flow into his heart8 ,the source of all things had to be found1 the source within us all1 it had to be taken into ourselves6 ,all else was mere seeking1 mere straying from the path1 mere delusion4 ,these were the thoughts of ,siddhartha1 this was his thirst1 this was his sorrow4 ,he would often recite the words from one of the ,chandogya ,upanishads3 8,forsooth1 the name of ,brahman is ,satyam - forsooth1 he who knows such things goeth daily into the world of ,heaven40 ,the world of ,heaven often seemed near to him1 but he had never quite been able to reach it1 never been able to quench the ultimate thirst4 ,and from all the wise men he knew1 even from the wisest of all1 whose teachings he enjoyed1 there was not one who ever had quite reached it1 the world of ,heaven1 which would have quenched the ultimate thirst for him4 8,govinda10 said ,siddhartha to his friend1 8,govinda1 dear friend1 come with me under the banyan tree1 we have to nurture our skill of contemplation40 ,they went to the ,banyan tree1 they sat down beneath it1 ,siddhartha here and1 twenty paces away1 sat ,govinda4 ,as he sat down in preparedness to utter the word #8,om1' ,siddhartha repeatedly muttered the verse3 ,om is the bow1 the arrow is the soul1 ,brahman is the arrow's goal1 ,the goal to reach directly4 ,after they had practised contemplation for their usual length of time ,govinda stood4 ,the evening had come1 it was time to wash in preparation for the evening4 ,he called out ,siddhartha's name4 ,siddhartha gave no answer4 ,siddhartha sat deep in contemplation1 his eyes were fixed on a greatly distant object1 the tip of his tongue protruded slightly from between his teeth1 he seemed not to be breathing4 ,so he sat1 engrossed in contemplation1 his mind fixed on ,om1 his soul as the arrow sent out to ,brahman4 ,one day samanas came through the town where ,siddhartha lived1 travelling ascetics1 three men wizened and close to death1 neither old nor young1 their shoulders were bloody and dusty1 they were nearly naked and they were scorched by the sun1 an air of loneliness about them1 alien to this world and the enemy of the world1 strangers1 emaciated jackals in the empire of man4 ,the odour of quiet suffering blew in from behind them1 of service that destroyed1 of pitiless loss of self4 ,that evening1 after their hour of contemplation1 ,siddhartha said to ,govinda1 8,tomorrow morning1 my friend1 ,siddhartha will go to the samanas4 ,he will become a samana40 ,when ,govinda heard these words and saw the unshakable resolution in his friend's face he turned pale4 ,siddhartha could no more be dissuaded from his course than the arrow speeding from the bow4 ,just as soon as he saw this1 ,govinda knew that this was where it started1 ,siddhartha would now go on his way1 now his destiny would begin to grow1 and with ,siddhartha's destiny so would ,govinda's4 ,and he became as pale as a dried banana skin4 ,oh1 ,siddhartha10 he exclaimed1 8will your father allow that80 ,siddhartha looked back at him as one who was awakening4 ,with the speed of an arrow he saw the fear1 saw the resignation in ,govinda's soul4 8,oh1 ,govinda10 he said gently1 8let us not waste words4 ,tomorrow1 at the break of day1 ,i will embark on the life of a samana4 ,let us talk no more about it40 ,siddhartha went into the room where his father sat on a raffia mat and stood behind him until his father could feel that he was there4 ,the brahmin said1 8,is that you1 ,siddhartha8 ,say what it is you have come to tell me40 ,siddhartha answered1 8,if you will allow it1 father1 ,i have come to tell you that ,i have been called on to leave your house in the morning and to go among the ascetics4 ,it is my vocation to become a samana4 ,i hope my father will not be opposed to this40 ,the brahmin was silent1 and remained silent so long that1 before the silence in the room came to an end1 the stars outside the little window had moved across the sky and formed new shapes4 ,his son remained there1 speechless and immobile1 his arms crossed1 the father sat there on the mat1 speechless and immobile1 while the stars made their way across the sky4 ,finally1 ,siddhartha's father spoke4 8,it is not seemly for a brahmin to speak loud and angry words1 but my heart is moved to oppose this4 ,i do not want to hear this request from your mouth a second time40 ,slowly1 the brahmin got to his feet1 ,siddhartha stood in silence1 his arms crossed4 8,what are you waiting for80 his father asked4 ,siddhartha said1 8,you know what ,i am waiting for40 ,displeased1 his father left the room1 displeased he went to his bed and lay himself down4 ,an hour passed1 as no sleep came to his eyes1 the brahmin stood up1 paced to and fro1 left the house4 ,he looked in through the little window of the room1 there he saw ,siddhartha standing1 his arms crossed1 unchanged4 ,his upper clothing shone palely4 ,unease in his heart1 ,siddhartha's father went back to his bed4 ,another hour passed1 as no sleep came to his eyes1 the brahmin stood up again1 paced to and fro1 went to the front of the house1 saw that the moon had risen4 ,he looked in through the little window of the room1 there he saw ,siddhartha standing1 resolute1 his arms crossed1 moonlight reflecting from his bare legs4 ,with worry in his heart1 ,siddhartha's father went back to his bed4 ,he came again after an hour1 and came again after two hours1 looked in at the little window1 saw ,siddhartha standing there1 in the moonlight1 in the starlight1 in the darkness4 ,he came again hour after hour1 in silence1 looked into the room1 saw the resolute one standing there1 it filled his heart with anger1 filled his heart with anxiety1 filled his heart with doubts1 filled it with sorrow4 ,and in the last hour of the night1 before the day began1 he went back again1 entered the room1 saw the young man standing there4 ,he seemed great to him1 and like a stranger4 8,siddhartha10 he said1 8what is it you are waiting for80 8,you know what ,i am waiting for40 8,will you persist in standing like this and waiting until day comes1 midday comes1 evening comes80 8,i will stand and wait40 8,you will become tired1 ,siddhartha40 8,i will become tired40 8,you will fall asleep1 ,siddhartha40 8,i will not fall asleep40 8,you will die1 ,siddhartha40 8,i will die40 8,and would you rather die than do as your father tells you80 8,siddhartha has always done as his father has told him40 8,so will you give up this idea80 8,siddhartha will do as his father says40 ,the first rays of daylight fell into the room4 ,the brahmin saw that ,siddhartha's knees were trembling slightly4 ,he saw no tremble in ,siddhartha's face1 his eyes fixed on the far distance4 ,then his father realised that ,siddhartha was no longer with him in his native country1 that he had already left him4 ,his father touched ,siddhartha's shoulder4 8,you will go into the woods and become a samana10 he said4 8,if you find holiness in the woods come and teach me about holiness4 ,if you find disappointment come back and we can make sacrifices to the gods together again4 ,now go and kiss your mother1 tell her where you're going4 ,for me1 it is time now to go down to the river and start the first washing of the day40 ,he took his hand off his son's shoulder and went out4 ,siddhartha staggered to one side as he tried to walk4 ,he forced his limbs to do as he wanted1 bowed to his father and went to his mother to do as his father had told him4 ,the town1 in the light of early morning1 was still quiet as ,siddhartha walked out of it1 moving slowly on his stiff legs4 ,as he passed the last hut a shadow rose from where it had been crouching and approached the pilgrim - ,govinda4 8,you have come10 said ,siddhartha with a smile4 8,i have come10 said ,govinda4 ,,among ,,the ,,samanas ,they reached the samanas that evening1 the emaciated samanas1 and offered them their company and their obedience4 ,they were accepted4 ,siddhartha had given his coat to a poor brahmin on the way there4 ,all he wore now were his loin cloth and an earth coloured1 untailored cloak4 ,he ate just once a day and never had cooked food4 ,he fasted for fifteen days4 ,he fasted for twenty-eight days4 ,the flesh disappeared from his limbs and his cheeks4 ,feverish dreams flickered from his bulging eyes1 the nails grew long on his desiccated fingers1 a dry1 unkempt beard4 ,when he encountered a woman his eyes became icy2 his mouth twitched with contempt when he entered a town and saw the people in their fine clothes4 ,he saw businessmen doing business1 he saw noblemen go hunting1 he saw the bereaved grieving for their dead1 whores offering their bodies1 doctors taking care of the sick1 priests saying when to sow crops1 lovers loving1 mothers feeding their babies - and none of this was worth a glance from him1 all was lies1 everything stank1 everything stank of lies1 everything made a pretence of good sense and happiness and beauty1 all was in decay and none could see it4 ,the world tasted bitter4 ,life was a torment4 ,siddhartha had but one objective3 to empty himself1 to empty himself of thirst1 of desire1 of dreams1 empty himself of joy and sorrow4 ,to die away from himself1 to no longer be himself1 to find peace by emptying his own heart1 to stand open to the miracle by alienating his own thoughts1 that was his objective4 ,once the whole of his self had been overcome and destroyed1 once every need and every drive of his heart was silent1 that was when the ultimate had to wake1 the deepest part of his being1 that which is no longer the self1 the great secret4 ,siddhartha stood silent in the vertical glare of the ,sun1 aglow with pain1 aglow with thirst1 and he stood there till he no longer felt pain nor thirst4 ,he stood silent in the time of rains with the water flowing from his hair onto his icy cold shoulders1 over his icy cold hips and legs1 and the penitent remained standing there till his shoulders and his legs no longer felt icy cold1 till they became silent1 till they were at peace4 ,he crouched silent in the thorny bushes1 blood dropping from his burning skin1 pus dropping from his wounds1 and ,siddhartha remained rigid1 remained motionless1 till the blood no longer flowed1 till the thorns no longer pierced his skin1 till nothing more burned him4 ,siddhartha sat up straight and learned to control his breath1 learned to need little air1 learned to stop his breath4 ,he learned1 starting with his breath1 to still the beats of his heart1 learned to reduce the beats of his heart till they became fewer and then till there were almost none4 ,siddhartha was taught by the eldest of the samanas1 he trained in losing the self1 he trained in contemplation1 learned new samana rules4 ,a heron flew out of the bamboo forest - and ,siddhartha took the heron into his soul1 he flew over the woods and mountains1 he was a heron1 he ate fish1 he hungered as a heron hungers1 he spoke the heron language1 he died the death of a heron4 ,a dead jackal lay on the sand by the water1 and ,siddhartha's soul slipped into the corpse1 he was entirely a jackal1 he lay on the shore1 he bloated with gas1 he stank1 he decayed1 he was torn apart by hyenas1 he lost his skin to the vultures1 he became a skeleton1 became dust1 blew in the wind that crossed the meadows4 ,and ,siddhartha's soul came back to him1 died1 decayed1 crumbled1 it had tasted the dark inebriation of the circle of life1 again endured thirst like the hunter in the wasteland where the circle of life might be left behind1 where cause and effect ended1 where eternity without pain began4 ,he brought death to his senses1 brought death to his memory1 slipped out of his own self and into a thousand alien forms1 he was an animal1 was carrion1 was stone1 was wood1 was water1 and each time found himself ever more aware1 light of sun or moon1 became again himself1 swang in the circle1 felt thirst1 overcame the thirst1 felt the thirst anew4 ,among the samanas ,siddhartha learned many things1 he learned many ways to leave his self behind4 ,he learned the way of self-alienation by pain1 by voluntary suffering and how to overcome pain1 hunger1 thirst1 fatigue4 ,he travelled on the way of self-alienation by meditation1 by removing from his thoughts any sense that he was perceiving what presented itself to him4 ,this he learned1 and he learned many other ways to travel1 he left his self behind a thousand times1 he persisted in the not-self for hours1 for days4 ,but although these ways led him away from his self they always1 at the end1 led him back to it4 ,siddhartha fled from his self a thousand times1 spent time in nothingness1 in the animal1 in a stone1 but he was never able to prevent his return1 the hour of his return was not avoidable1 and he would find himself1 once again1 in the light of the sun or the moon1 in shade or in rain1 and ,siddhartha and his self were there once again1 once again the suffering of the circle of life was placed upon him4 ,at his side lived ,govinda1 his shadow1 travelling the same road1 undergoing the same trials4 ,they seldom spoke to each other1 only when it was needed for their service and their exercises4 ,at times they would go together to the villages in order to beg for food for themselves and their teachers4 8,what do you think1 ,govinda10 ,siddhartha once asked him as they were on their way to beg4 8,do you think we have made any progress8 ,have we reached any of our targets80 ,govinda answered1 8,we have learned things1 and we continue to learn4 ,you will be a great samana1 ,siddhartha4 ,you have learned every exercise very quickly1 and the old samanas have been amazed at you4 ,one day1 ,siddhartha1 you will be a holy man40 ,siddhartha said1 8,that is not how ,i see it1 my friend4 ,all that ,i have learned so far ,i could have learned much faster and much easier in any bar where the whores are1 my friend1 among all the cheats and the gamblers40 ,govinda said1 8,that is what you say1 my friend1 but you know that ,siddhartha is not some cattle driver1 and that a samana is not some drunkard4 ,the drunk can numb his senses1 he can find escape and rest for a short time1 but then he comes back from his stupor and finds that all is as it was before4 ,he makes himself no wiser1 he has gathered no knowledge any sort1 he has climbed not one step higher40 ,siddhartha smiled and said1 8,i don't know1 ,i've never been a drunkard4 ,but ,i do know that in all my exercises and contemplations ,i have only ever found a brief respite from suffering1 and remained just as far away from wisdom and liberation as a child in its mother's womb4 ,i do know that1 ,govinda1 ,i do know that40 ,another time1 when ,siddhartha and ,govinda came out of the woods together and down to the village to beg for food for their brothers and teachers1 ,siddhartha began to speak and said1 8,what about now1 ,govinda1 do you think we are on the right path8 ,are we getting any closer to knowledge8 ,are we getting any closer to liberation8 ,or are we just going round in circles - we1 who are trying to escape the circle of life80 ,govinda said1 8,we have learnt many things1 ,siddhartha1 and there is still a lot more to learn4 ,we are not going round in circles1 we are mounting higher1 the circle is a spiral1 we have already climbed up many steps40 ,siddhartha answered1 8,how old do you think our eldest samana is1 our venerable teacher80 ,govinda said1 8,he must be about sixty1 our eldest samana40 ,and ,siddhartha1 8,he has reached the age of sixty1 and he still has not reached ,nirvana4 ,he will be seventy1 and then eighty1 and you and me1 we will become old in the same way and we will do our exercises1 and we will fast1 and we will meditate4 ,but we will never reach ,nirvana1 he will not1 we will not4 ,govinda1 of all the samanas that there are1 ,i do not think any one of them is likely to reach ,nirvana4 ,we find consolation1 we find respite from pain1 we learn the skills with which we deceive ourselves4 ,but that which is essential1 the way of ways1 that is what we are not finding40 8,do not utter such shocking words1 ,siddhartha60 said ,govinda4 8,we are among so many learned men1 so many brahmins1 so many strict and venerable samanas1 so many seekers1 so many who strive with such effort1 so many holy men2 how could it be that none of these finds the way of ways80 ,but ,siddhartha replied in a voice that was sad as much as it was mocking1 a gentle voice1 a somewhat sad voice1 somewhat mocking1 8,soon now1 ,govinda1 your friend will be leaving the way of the samanas along which he has travelled so far with you4 ,i suffer from thirst1 ,govinda1 and my thirst has not become any the less on this long way of the samanas4 ,i have always been thirsty for knowledge1 always been full of questions4 ,i questioned the brahmins year after year1 ,i sought knowledge in the holy vedas year after year1 and ,i put questions to the pious samanas year after year4 ,perhaps1 ,govinda1 it would have been just as good1 just as clever and just as healing to go and put questions to the rhinoceros birds or the chimpanzees4 ,i have taken much time to learn this1 ,govinda1 and ,i am still not at the end of it1 ,i have learned that learning is impossible6 ,i believe that in fact there is nothing in anything that we could call #8learning4' ,there is only a kind of knowledge that is everywhere1 my friend1 and that is ,atman4 ,atman is in me and in everything else that has existence4 ,and so now ,i am beginning to believe that this knowledge has no worse enemy than the pursuit of knowledge1 than learning40 ,at this1 ,govinda stopped walking1 raised his hands and said1 8,siddhartha1 please do not make your friend anxious with talk like this6 ,what you are saying really does make me anxious in my heart4 ,think what you are saying2 where would that leave the holiness of prayer1 where would that leave the dignity of being a brahmin1 where would that leave the holiness of the samanas if it were as you say1 if it were not possible ever to learn86 ,siddhartha1 where would that leave anything on ,earth that is holy or valuable or venerable860 ,govinda quietly muttered a verse1 a verse from one of the ,upanishads3 ,the purest soul that deeply thinks and sinks itself in ,atman1 ,his blessed heart will have no words to tell it to the world4 ,siddhartha1 though1 remained silent4 ,he thought about the words that ,govinda had just said to him1 he thought about the words to their end4 ,yes1 he thought as he stood there with his head lowered1 what would be left of all the things that seem holy to us8 ,what would remain8 ,what would be preserved8 ,and he shook his head4 ,at an earlier time1 when the two young men had lived with the samanas1 and performed their exercises together for about three years1 there came to them through many ways and turnings a message1 a rumour1 saying2 ,one has appeared that will be called ,gotama1 the noble one1 the buddha4 ,he will have overcome the pain of the world in himself and brought the wheel of rebirth to a halt4 ,with his followers he travels through the land1 teaching as he goes1 without property1 without a home1 without a wife1 wearing the yellow garb of an ascetic but with joy on his brow1 a holy man1 and brahmans and princes bow their knee to him and become his pupils4 ,this legend1 this rumour1 this folk tale sounded out1 raised itself like a scent far and wide1 brahmins spoke of it in the cities1 samanas spoke of it in the woods1 the name of ,gotama1 the buddha1 was repeated over and again in the ears of the young1 in the good and in the evil1 in praise and in contempt4 ,as when the plague is raging through a country and a rumour arises that somewhere there is a man1 a wise man1 a knowledgeable man whose word and whose breath alone is enough to heal anyone afflicted with it1 when this rumour spreads through the land and all are talking of it1 many believe it1 many doubt it1 but many set themselves straight on the road to seek out this wise man who can help them1 so it was with the fragrant rumour of ,gotama1 the buddha1 the wise man from the line of the sakyas4 ,he possessed1 so the believers said1 the highest enlightenment1 he remembered his previous lives1 he had attained nirvana and would never more come back to the cycle of rebirth1 never more submerge in the dark waters that carried the forms of the lower world4 ,many things majestic and incredible were reported of him1 he had performed miracles1 had overcome the ,devil1 had spoken with the gods4 ,his enemies1 however1 and those who did not believe1 said that this ,gotama was a vain seducer1 he spent his days in comfort1 despised the acts of sacrifice1 was without learning and performed neither exercise nor self-castigation4 ,sweet was this legend of the buddha1 magical was the aroma of these rumours4 ,diseased was the world1 hard to bear was life - and look1 there appeared to flow water from a new spring1 a call of good news seemed to be heard1 reassuring1 mild1 and full of noble promises4 ,everywhere that the rumour of the buddha was heard1 in every part of the lands of ,india1 the young men listened1 felt longing1 felt hope1 and every pilgrim or stranger who came to the sons of brahmins in the towns and villages with news of him1 the noble one1 the sakyamuni1 was welcome4 ,this legend even penetrated into the woods where the samanas lived1 even to ,siddhartha1 even to ,govinda1 slowly1 drop by drop1 each drop laden with hope1 each drop laden with doubt4 ,they seldom spoke of it1 as the eldest of the samanas was no friend of this legend4 ,he had been taught that anyone who seemed to be a buddha had first become an ascetic and lived in the woods1 and only then returned to the world of comfort and gaiety1 and he had no faith in this ,gotama at all4 8,siddhartha10 said ,govinda to his friend one day4 8,i was in the village today and a brahman invited me into his house1 and in his house was a brahmin's son from ,magadha who had seen this buddha with his own eyes and listened to his teachings4 ,at that1 the very breath in my lungs truly caused me pain and ,i thought3 ,i too would like1 both of us1 ,siddhartha and ,i1 would like to experience these teachings1 to learn from the mouth of one who had attained perfection6 ,tell me1 my friend1 should we not go and learn from the mouth of this buddha himself80 ,siddhartha answered1 8,oh1 ,govinda1 ,i had always thought ,govinda would stay with the samanas1 it was always my belief that it was his objective to live to the age of sixty or seventy and always practise the arts and exercises that the samanas display4 ,but look at me now1 ,i did not know ,govinda well enough1 ,i knew little of his heart4 ,but now1 dear friend1 now you want to set out on a new path and go there1 where the buddha spreads his teachings40 ,govinda answered1 8,you like to laugh at me4 ,i hope you always keep laughing1 ,siddhartha6 ,but do you not also feel the desire to hear these teachings rising within you1 the wish to hear what is said8 ,and did you not once say to me that you would not stay for long among the samanas to follow their way80 ,at this ,siddhartha laughed1 in his way of laughing that took on a shadow of sorrow and a shadow of mockery1 and said1 8,quite right1 ,govinda1 what you say is quite right1 you have remembered it rightly4 ,but maybe you should also remember something else you heard from me1 that ,i had become tired and mistrustful of teachings and learning1 and that my beliefs have little faith in the words that come to us from teachers4 ,but anyway1 my friend1 ,i am willing to come and hear these teachings - even though1 in my heart1 ,i think we have already tasted the best fruits of them40 ,govinda answered1 8,your readiness brings joy to my heart4 ,but tell me1 how can that be possible8 ,how could the teachings of ,gotama have given us their best fruits even before we have tasted them80 ,siddhartha answered1 8,let us enjoy these fruits and wait to see what happens1 ,govinda6 ,but we can already be thankful to ,gotama in that his fruits are calling us away from the samanas6 ,perhaps he has other fruit to offer1 and better fruit my friend4 ,let us keep peace in our hearts and wait to see if this is so40 ,that very day ,siddhartha told the eldest of the samanas of his decision to leave him4 ,he told him with all the humility and modesty as befits a junior and a pupil4 ,the samana1 however fell into a rage at the young men's decision to leave1 he raised his voice and used foul language4 ,govinda was shocked and embarrassed1 but ,siddhartha put his mouth to ,govinda's ear and whispered1 8,now ,i will show the elder that ,i have learned something from him40 ,siddhartha stood close in front of the samana1 gathered his own spirit1 captured the gaze of the old man with his own gaze1 and thereby did he enthrall him1 made him dumb1 deprived him of his will1 subjected him to his own will1 and without a word he ordered him to do as he commanded4 ,the old man was unable to speak1 unable to move his eyes1 unable to direct his own will1 his arms hung loose1 he became powerless and was subject to the magic worked by ,siddhartha4 ,siddhartha's thoughts overpowered those of the samana1 he had to carry out whatever commands they gave him4 ,and so the old man bowed down several times1 performed gestures of blessing and humbly stammered out wishes for a good journey4 ,and the young men replied by thanking him for his prostrations1 thanked him for his good wishes and with those greetings made their departure4 ,on the way ,govinda said1 8,oh ,siddhartha1 you learned more from the samanas than ,i had realised4 ,it is not easy1 not easy at all1 to bewitch an ancient samana4 ,i am sure that if you had stayed with them you would soon have learned to walk on water40 8,why would ,i want to walk on water80 said ,siddhartha4 8,if the ancient samanas want to do tricks like that they can keep them60 ,,gotama ,in the city of ,savathi every child knew the name of the noble buddha1 and every house was ready to fill the begging bowls of ,gotama's disciples when they made their silent requests4 ,near the city was the grove of ,jetavana4 ,this wood had been given to ,gotama and his followers by ,anathapindika1 a rich businessman who was devoted to the noble one1 and it was the place that ,gotama liked to visit most4 ,all the stories and all the answers that the two young ascetics had heard in their search for ,gotama had directed them to this place4 ,when they arrived in ,savathi they stood at the door of the first house silently begging for food1 which was given them4 ,siddhartha asked the woman who had offered them the food3 8,generous lady1 we would like to learn where the most venerable one1 the buddha1 spends his time1 for we are two samanas from the woods and have come to see him1 the perfect one1 and to hear the teachings from his mouth40 ,the woman said1 8,you have certainly arrived at the right place1 samanas from the woods4 ,you should know that ,jetavana1 the garden of ,anathapindikas1 is where the noble one spends his time4 ,you will be able to spend the night there1 pilgrims1 as there is even enough room there for the countless many who flood to this place to hear the teachings from his mouth40 ,this was pleasing news to ,govinda1 and full of joy he declared1 8,that is good1 so we have reached our destination and our journey is at its end6 ,but tell us1 mother of pilgrims1 do you know him1 the buddha1 have you seen him with your own eyes80 ,the woman said1 8,many have seen him1 the noble one4 ,many times ,i have seen him as he went on his way through the streets and alleys1 silent in his yellow robes1 silent as he showed his begging bowl at the doors of houses and1 as he left those places1 his begging bowl full40 ,govinda listened with joy and wanted to put many questions and to hear more4 ,but ,siddhartha urged that they should go on their way4 ,they said thank you and left1 and had hardly any need to ask the way for many pilgrims were on their way to ,jetavana1 as well as monks from ,gotama's community4 ,they arrived there in the night time1 there was a continuous flow of visitors arriving1 calling to each other1 talking about who was looking for shelter and who had found it4 ,the two samanas1 used to life in the woods1 found a place to rest quickly and quietly and remained there till morning4 ,when the sun rose they were astonished to see the size of the crowd1 believers or the curious1 who had spent the night here4 ,monks in their yellow robes wandered along all the paths of the beautiful grove1 here and there under the trees sat people deep in meditation or engaged in spiritual discussion4 ,the shady garden was like a city1 full of people swarming like bees4 ,most of the monks were leaving with their begging bowls in order to collect food for midday1 when they would have their only meal of the day4 ,even the buddha himself1 the enlightened one1 made a habit of going out to beg each morning4 ,siddhartha saw him1 and as quickly as if he had been pointed out by a god1 he knew who it was4 ,he saw him1 a slight man in a yellow cloak1 making his quiet way with his begging bowl in his hand4 8,govinda1 look60 whispered ,siddhartha4 8,just there1 that is the buddha40 ,govinda stared at the monk in the yellow robe1 indistinguishable from the hundreds of other monks there4 ,and soon ,govinda could see it too3 it was him4 ,and they followed him and kept him in their sight4 ,the buddha followed his path with humility and deep in thought1 the peaceful expression on his face was neither gay nor sad1 it seemed to show a gentle inward contentment4 ,with a hidden smile1 quiet1 peaceful1 not unlike a healthy child1 the buddha wandered on1 wearing his robes and placing his feet in the same way as all his monks1 in the way that was prescribed4 ,but his face1 his gait1 his quiet lowered eyes1 his hands hanging quietly from his arms1 and even every finger on his quietly hanging hands spoke of peace1 spoke of perfection1 sought nothing1 copied nothing1 breathed gently with a peace that could not fade1 in a light that could not fade1 a peace that could not be touched4 ,so1 ,gotama walked on slowly towards the town where he would gather alms1 and the two samanas knew him simply from the perfection of his peace1 the stillness of his form where no searching1 no desire1 no imitation1 no striving could be seen1 only light and peace4 8,today1 we will hear the teachings from his own mouth10 said ,govinda4 ,siddhartha made no answer4 ,he had less curiosity about the teachings1 he did not believe they would teach him anything new1 even though1 like ,govinda1 he had heard many times about what the teachings of this buddha contained1 albeit from the reports he had heard at second or third hand4 ,but he looked attentively at ,gotama's head1 at his shoulders1 at his feet1 at his hand as it hung there without moving1 and it seemed to him that every part of every finger of that hand held a lesson1 spoke1 breathed1 was fragrant and shone with truth4 ,this man1 this buddha1 was truthful down to every movement of every finger4 ,this man was holy4 ,siddhartha had never felt such veneration for anyone1 he had never loved anyone as much as this man4 ,the two of them followed the buddha into the town and then they quietly turned back1 as they too hoped to obtain food for themselves before the end of day4 ,they saw ,gotama as he too came back1 saw him surrounded by his followers as they took their meal - what he ate was not enough to feed a bird - and they saw him withdraw into the shade of the mango trees4 ,but when evening came1 when the heat of the day had lessened and everyone in the camp became more active and gathered together1 they heard the buddha speak4 ,they heard his voice1 and even that was a thing of perfection1 of perfect stillness1 of complete peace4 ,gotama taught the lesson of suffering1 of the origin of suffering1 of the way that leads to the removal of suffering4 ,his speech flowed on1 calm1 peaceful and clear1 it was4 ,life was sorrow1 the world was full of suffering1 but release from suffering could be found3 release would be found by him who followed the way of the buddha4 ,the noble one spoke in a voice that was gentle but firm1 he taught of the four principal doctrines1 he taught of the eight-fold path1 the circle of reincarnation1 his voice1 clear and quiet1 remained above his listeners like a light1 like a star in the firmament4 ,night had fallen before the buddha came to the end of his speech4 ,many pilgrims came forward and asked to be accepted into his community1 sought refuge in the teachings4 ,gotama did accept them1 with the words1 8,you have ingested the teachings well1 they were conveyed to you well4 ,come1 then1 among us and walk in holiness1 that you may prepare an end to all sorrow40 ,then ,govinda1 too1 the shy one1 was seen to come forward and he said1 8,i1 too1 seek refuge with the noble one and his teachings10 and asked to be accepted among the buddha's followers1 and he was accepted4 ,soon thereafter1 as the buddha had withdrawn for his night's rest1 ,govinda went to ,siddhartha with great enthusiasm and said1 8,i am not entitled to reproach you for anything4 ,we have both heard the noble one1 we have both received his teachings4 ,govinda heard the teaching1 he has taken refuge in them4 ,but you1 revered one1 will you not take the path of liberation8 ,will you delay1 will you continue to wait80 ,when he realised what ,govinda had said ,siddhartha woke as if he had been sleeping4 ,then1 gently and with no mockery in his voice1 he said1 8,govinda1 my friend1 now you have taken the first step1 now you have chosen your path4 ,you have always been my friend1 ,govinda1 you have always followed me one step behind4 ,i have often asked myself whether ,govinda would one day take a step of his own1 without me1 from his own soul4 ,now see1 you have become a man and chosen your own way4 ,i hope you will follow it to its end1 my friend6 ,i hope you will find liberation60 ,govinda still did not fully understand1 and impatiently repeated his question3 8,speak1 dear friend1 ,i beg of you1 speak6 ,tell me what cannot be different1 tell me my learned friend that you too will take refuge with the noble buddha60 ,siddhartha lay his hand on ,govinda's shoulder4 8,you have failed to hear my deepest wish for you1 ,govinda4 ,i will repeat if for you3 ,i hope you will follow your path to its end1 my friend6 ,i hope you will find liberation60 ,at that moment ,govinda saw that his friend had left him1 and he began to weep4 8,siddhartha60 he implored4 ,siddhartha's reply was friendly4 8,govinda1 do not forget that you now are one of the samanas of the buddha4 ,you have forsaken your home and your parents1 forsaken origins and possessions1 by your own free will you have forsaken friendship4 ,this is what is said in the teachings1 this is what is said by the buddha4 ,this is what you have chosen for yourself4 ,tomorrow1 ,govinda1 ,i will leave you40 ,the two friends wandered long among the trees1 long they lay but found no sleep4 ,and ,govinda asked his friend over and over again why he would not take refuge in the teachings of ,gotama1 what fault could he find in these teachings4 ,but ,siddharth always rejected his insistence and said1 8,learn to be in peace1 ,govinda4 ,the teachings of the noble one are very good4 ,how should ,i find any fault in them80 ,as morning was breaking one of the buddha's followers1 one of his eldest monks1 went through the garden and summoned all them who had newly chosen to take refuge in the teachings4 ,they were to put on their yellow robes and receive their first instruction in the teachings and duties of their new status4 ,govinda ran to ,siddhartha1 embraced his childhood friend on more time1 and went to join the ranks of the novices4 ,siddhartha1 however1 wandered among the trees1 deep in thought4 ,while he was there he came across ,gotama1 the noble one4 ,siddhartha greeted him with veneration4 ,there was so much peace and goodness to be seen in the buddha's eyes that the young man took courage and asked the venerable one's permission to speak to him4 ,the noble one gave his assent with a silent nod4 ,siddhartha said1 8,noble one1 ,i was yesterday privileged to hear your wonderful teachings4 ,i had come here from afar with a friend to hear them4 ,my friend now will stay among your followers and take refuge with you4 ,i1 however1 will start my pilgrimage anew40 8,you are free to do as you wish10 said the noble one politely4 8,in speaking to you ,i have been more bold than ,i should have been10 ,siddhartha continued1 8but ,i would not want to depart from the noble one without having given him my sincere thoughts4 ,would the noble one be willing to give me another moment of his time to hear me80 ,the buddha gave his assent with a silent nod4 ,siddhartha said1 8,there is something1 most venerable one1 that ,i admired most of all in what you said4 ,everything in your teachings is perfectly clear and supported with proof2 you depict the world as a perfect chain1 never broken anywhere on its length1 an eternal chain made up of causes and effects4 ,this has never been made so clear1 never set out so irrefutably2 the heart of every brahman must surely beat at a higher level when he has heard your teachings and first sees the world of perfect coherence1 without omissions1 as clear as crystal1 not dependent on chance1 not dependent on any gods4 ,this could be good or bad1 could bring joy or sorrow to life1 but it is not something we need to consider1 it could well be that it is not of basic importance - but the unity of the world1 that all events are inter-related1 the flow of existence that embraces all things great and small1 the law of cause and effect1 existence and death1 all these things shine brightly out from your noble teachings1 o perfect one4 ,but there is a place in your own teachings where this cohesion1 this sound argument that governs all things is interrupted1 there is a small hole where something strange1 something new1 something not previously there flows into this world1 it is something that cannot be shown1 cannot be proved3 this is your teaching about not being overcome by the world1 your teaching about liberation4 ,with this tiny hole1 with this tiny intrusion the entire coherent and eternal world-order is once again broken down and cannot be maintained4 ,i hope you will forgive me for voicing this objection40 ,gotama had listened to him still and unmoving4 ,now1 with his benevolent voice1 with his clear and polite voice1 the perfect one spoke3 8,you have listened to the teachings1 brahmin's son1 and it is good that you have thought so deeply about them4 ,you have found a gap in them1 a mistake4 ,i hope you will continue to think about the teachings1 you have a thirst for knowledge1 but you should be warned of the thickets of beliefs and of quibbles around words4 ,beliefs are not important1 they can be beautiful or ugly1 clever or foolish1 anyone can stay attached to them or throw them away4 ,but the teachings that you heard from me are not beliefs and ,i was not trying to explain the world to them who have a thirst for knowledge4 ,i was attempting something quite different1 ,i was attempting to show how to gain liberation from suffering4 ,this is what ,gotama teaches1 nothing else40 8,i hope you will not be cross with me1 noble one10 the young man said4 8,i have no wish to argue with you but to argue about words1 this is why ,i have spoken to you in this way4 ,you are certainly quite right1 beliefs alone are not of great importance4 ,but allow me to say one thing more3 ,i have never for a moment had any doubts about you4 ,i have never for a moment doubted that you are a buddha1 that you have reached the end of your path1 the highest objective that so many thousands of brahmins and brahmins' sons pursue4 ,you have found liberation from death4 ,you have attained this by your own searching1 by travelling your own path1 by thought1 by meditation1 by knowledge1 by enlightenment4 ,you have not attained it by listening to the teachings of others6 ,and - this is what ,i have come to believe1 noble one - nobody can ever attain liberation by listening to the teachings of others6 ,nobody1 venerable one1 will come to understand what happened to you in the hour of your enlightenment by hearing your words and your teachings6 ,the enlightened one1 the buddha1 teaches many things about how to live a good and honest life and how to avoid evil1 but the teaching that is so clear1 that is so noble1 is not there3 the noble one does not give teaching about the secret that he alone has experienced1 he alone out of hundreds of thousands4 ,this is what ,i thought1 what ,i perceived1 when ,i heard your teachings4 ,this is the reason ,i will continue in my wanderings - not to find other teachings which may be better1 for ,i know there are none1 but to abandon all teachings and all teachers and either to attain my goal alone or to die4 ,but1 noble one1 ,i will often think back to this day and this hour1 for my eyes have seen a man of great holiness40 ,the buddha looked quietly down at the ground1 the buddha's face1 peaceful but inscrutable1 shone with perfect serenity4 8,i hope your thoughts10 the venerable one said slowly1 8are not mistaken6 ,may you arrive at your objective6 ,but tell me3 have you seen how many samanas ,i have1 how many brothers who have taken refuge in my teachings8 ,and do you think1 samana from a foreign place1 do you think all of these would be better off if they abandoned the teachings and went back to life in the world with all its enjoyments80 8,such a thought is far from me10 ,siddhartha exclaimed4 8,i hope they will all remain with the teachings1 ,i hope they will reach their goal6 ,it is not up to me to judge how others lead their lives4 ,i can only judge my own life1 ,i must choose for myself1 must reject for myself4 ,we samanas seek liberation from our selves1 noble one4 ,i fear1 venerable one1 that if ,i were one of your followers ,i might only seem to bring my self to peace1 that my liberation would be illusory and my self would in fact continue to exist and grow bigger1 as then ,i would have the teachings1 would have my followers1 would have my love for you1 would have the community of monks and all this ,i would have made into my self60 ,with a half-smile1 with unshakeable clarity and friendliness1 ,gotama looked the stranger in the eye and took his leave of him with barely noticeable gesture4 8,you are clever1 samana10 the venerable one said4 8,your arguments1 my friend1 are very clever4 ,take care that you do not become too clever60 ,the buddha walked slowly away1 and his look and his half smile remained forever engraved in ,siddhartha's memory4 ,i have never before seen anyone look and smile1 sit and walk1 like this man1 he thought to himself4 ,i truly hope that ,i1 too1 will be able to look and to smile1 to sit and to walk as he does1 so free1 so venerable1 so hidden1 so open1 so child-like and private4 ,it is only the man who has penetrated to his innermost self who is truly able to look and to walk in this way4 ,i1 too1 will do my utmost to penetrate to my innermost self4 ,i have seen one man1 ,siddhartha thought1 just one1 to whom ,i had to lower my eyes4 ,i will not lower my eyes to any other man1 not anyone4 ,i will not be drawn into any teachings1 as ,i was not drawn into the teachings of this man4 ,i was robbed by this buddha1 ,siddhartha thought1 he robbed me1 but he gave me much more4 ,he robbed me of my friend1 of him who had faith in me and now has faith in him1 of him who was my shadow and is now the shadow of ,gotama4 ,but he made the gift to me1 to ,siddhartha1 of myself4 ,,awakening ,as ,siddhartha left the grove where the buddha1 the perfect one1 remained behind1 where ,govinda remained behind1 he felt that he was also leaving behind his life so far1 that it was separating itself from him4 ,this sensation filled him completely1 and he thought about it as he slowly walked on4 ,he pondered deeply as if sinking through deep water1 he allowed himself to drop to the bottom of this feeling to the place where its causes lay1 as it seemed to him that identifying causes was to think1 and that is the only way to make sensations into knowledge and avoid losing them altogether1 the only way to make them substantial1 the only way to make them shine and show what they contain4 ,he pondered as he walked slowly on4 ,he concluded that he was no longer a youth but had become a man4 ,he concluded that something had left him like a snake that sloughs its skin1 that something within him was no longer there for him1 something that had been with him all through his youth and had belonged to him3 the wish to have a teacher and to hear teachings4 ,he had even departed from last teacher who had come to him on his way1 the highest and wisest of teachers1 the holiest of them all1 the buddha1 he had had to separate himself from him1 he had been unable to accept his teachings4 ,siddhartha continued to ponder as he walked1 and his movement became slower as he asked himself3 ,but what was it that you wanted to learn from the teachers8 ,what was it that those teachers who spent so much time giving you their lessons were nonetheless unable to teach you8 ,and ,siddhartha found an answer3 ,what ,i wanted to learn was my self1 ,i wanted to learn the meaning and the essence of my self4 ,i wanted to be rid of my self1 wanted to overcome my self4 ,but ,i was not able to overcome it1 was able only to cheat it1 was able only to flee from it1 to hide from it4 ,there is truly nothing in the world that has occupied my thoughts as much as this self of mine1 this puzzle that ,i am alive1 that ,i am separate from one and all1 severed from them1 that ,i am ,siddhartha6 ,and there is nothing in the world that ,i know less about than myself1 about ,siddhartha6 ,siddhartha walked more slowly as he pondered and then1 gripped by these thoughts1 came to a stop4 ,and at that moment a new thought sprang out from them3 ,there is a reason why ,i know nothing about myself1 a cause for ,siddhartha remaining so strange and unfamiliar to me1 just one cause2 ,i was in fear of myself1 ,i was in flight from myself6 ,i sought ,atman1 ,i sought ,brahman1 ,i had resolved to break my self apart1 to flay it apart so that in its innermost1 least known part ,i could find the kernel within all shells1 ,atman1 life1 the divine1 the ultimate4 ,but in the process ,i lost myself4 ,siddhartha suddenly opened his eyes and looked around him1 a smile covered his face1 and a profound sense of waking from a long period of dreams flowed through him all the way down to his toes4 ,and as soon as he began to walk on he walked quickly1 like a man who knows what he has to do4 ,he took in a deep breath and thought to himself3 8,i will not let ,siddhartha get away from me now6 ,i will no longer let my thoughts and my life begin with ,atman and the suffering of the world4 ,i will no longer kill myself and dismember myself in order to see behind the ruins and find a secret there4 ,i will no longer take teachings from yoga-veda1 nor from atharva-veda1 nor the ascetics nor any other kind of teaching4 ,i will learn by myself alone1 be a student of myself1 learn to know myself1 the secret of ,siddhartha40 ,he looked around him as if seeing the world for the first time4 ,the world was beautiful1 filled with many colours1 strange and puzzling was the world6 ,blue here1 yellow here1 green here1 sky and river flowed1 trees and hills reached upwards1 everything beautiful1 everything puzzling and magic1 and in the middle of it all was he1 ,siddhartha1 the awakening one1 on the way to himself4 ,all this1 all this yellow and blue1 river and wood1 entered into ,siddhartha through his eyes for the first time1 it was no longer the sorcery of ,mara1 no longer the veil of maya1 no longer the meaningless and random diversity of the world of delusion that the deep thinking brahmin despises1 that the deep thinking brahmin scorns in his search for unity4 ,blue was blue1 river was river1 this was where the divine lived hidden1 the blueness and the river lay within ,siddhartha but this was how the divine showed itself and it was nonetheless one2 yellow here1 blue here1 the sky there1 the woods there1 and here to be ,siddhartha4 ,meaning and essence were not somewhere behind things1 they were within them1 in everything4 8,i have been so deaf1 so dull-witted60 he thought as he hurried forward4 8,when a man reads scripture in pursuit of its meaning he does not despise the ciphers and letters1 calling them deceitful1 random or meaningless shells1 he reads it1 he studies it and loves it1 letter by letter4 ,but ,i1 who wanted to read the book of the world and the book of my own essence1 ,i did despise the ciphers and letters for the sake of a meaning ,i thought ,i knew beforehand1 when ,i saw the world1 when ,i touched the world1 ,i called it delusion1 ,i called my eye and my tongue random and worthless appearances4 ,no1 this is in the past now1 ,i have awoken1 ,i have truly awoken and today ,i am born for the first time40 ,as ,siddhartha had this thought he suddenly stopped walking again1 as if there lay a snake in front of him on the path1 he also awoke to this insight3 ,i am not now that which ,i once was1 ,i am no longer an ascetic1 ,i am no longer a priest1 ,i am no longer a brahmin4 ,so what should ,i do at home in the house of my father8 ,study8 ,perform sacrifices8 ,cultivate meditation8 ,all this lies now in the past1 all this is no longer on my path4 ,for suddenly there was something else that had become clear to him3 ,he1 who had in fact become like one awoken or newly born1 he would have to start his life anew and from its very beginning4 ,that very morning1 as he left the grove of ,jetavana1 the grove of the noble one1 already awaking1 already on the way to himself1 it was his intention1 an intention that seemed to be natural and a matter of course1 that he would bring his years of living as an ascetic to an end and return home to his father4 ,but now1 only now at this moment when he stopped walking as if a snake lay on the path in front of him1 he awoke also to this insight3 ,i am no longer the person ,i once was1 ,i am no longer an ascetic1 ,i am no longer a priest1 ,i am no longer a brahmin4 ,so what should ,i do if ,i go back home to my father8 ,study8 ,perform sacrifices8 ,cultivate meditation8 ,these things are all in the past1 these things no longer lie before me on my way4 ,siddhartha stood there motionless1 and for one moment1 for one intake of breath1 his heart remained frozen1 he felt it freezing in his breast inside him like a small animal1 a bird or a hare1 as he saw how alone he was4 ,for many years he had been without a home and had not felt it4 ,now he did feel it4 ,until now1 even when immersed in the deepest meditation1 he had been his father's son1 a brahmin1 a man of high status1 a spiritual man4 ,now he was merely ,siddhartha1 the awoken one1 nothing more4 ,he drew in a deep breath1 and for a moment he froze and shuddered4 ,no-one was as alone as he was4 ,no nobleman who did not belong among noblemen1 no handworker who did not belong among handworkers but found refuge among them1 sharing his life with theirs and speaking their language4 ,no brahmin who did not count as a brahmin and lived among them1 no ascetic who found no refuge in his status as a samana1 and not even the hermit lost deepest in the woods was single or alone1 even he was surrounded by the things he belonged to1 even he belonged to a certain condition that made that place his home4 ,govinda had become a monk and had a thousand monks as his brothers1 he wore his robes1 believed his beliefs and spoke his language4 ,but he1 ,siddhartha1 where did he belong8 ,whose life would he share8 ,whose language would he speak8 ,from this moment on1 when the world around him was melting away1 when he stood alone like a star in the sky1 from this moment of coldness and despair1 ,siddhartha always rose up more his self than he had been1 more concentrated than he had been4 ,he felt3 ,this was the final spasm of awakening1 the last cramp of his birth4 ,and he immediately stepped out again1 began to walk quickly and impatiently1 no longer going home1 no longer going to his father1 no longer going back4 ,,part ,,two ,dedicated to ,wilhem ,gundert1 my cousin in ,japan4 ,,kamala ,as ,siddhartha went on his way the world was transformed and his heart was enchanted1 and with every step he learnt something new4 ,he saw the sun rise above the trees on the mountains and saw it set behind distant palmy beaches4 ,at night he saw the stars ranged across the sky and the crescent moon like a boat swimming in a sea of blue4 ,he saw trees1 stars1 animals1 clouds1 rainbows1 crags1 herbs1 flowers1 streams and rivers as they flowed1 morning dew that glistened in the bushes1 lofty mountains blue and pale in the distance1 birds and bees both gave their song1 the wind blew1 soughing in the silver fields of rice4 ,all of this1 bright with colour everywhere1 had always been there1 the sun and moon had always shone1 rivers rushed and bees did buzz1 but for ,siddhartha until then all of this had been nothing but a fleeting and delusory veil before his eyes1 something to be mistrusted1 something to be pierced and destroyed by the intellect1 for it was something that did not exist1 for existence lay beyond that which could be seen4 ,but now his eye was free1 it lingered on this side of what could be seen1 it looked and it acknowledged what could be seen1 it sought its home in this world1 no longer sought the essence1 did not strive for the beyond4 ,seen in this way1 without searching1 so simple1 so child-like1 the world was beautiful4 ,the moon and stars were beautiful1 rivers and shores were beautiful1 woods and crags1 goats and beetles1 flowers and butterflies4 ,beautiful and lovely it was1 so to go through the world1 so child-like1 so awake1 so open to the things around him1 so without mistrust4 ,the sun burnt on his head differently1 the shade of the woods cooled him differently1 the streams and ponds tasted differently1 marrow and banana tasted differently4 ,the days were short1 the nights were short1 every hour flew swift away like a sailboat on the water1 the sailboat full of treasure1 full of joy4 ,siddhartha saw a troop of monkeys travelling in the branches of the forest canopy1 he heard their wild and greedy song4 ,siddhartha saw a ram pursue the ewe and mating with her4 ,in a lake of reeds he saw the pike pursue his prey to still his evening hunger1 the school of young fish who1 in fear1 rushed anxiously1 flapping and flashing above the water1 strength and passion forced their scent from the rapid-swirling water1 from the fierce tumult worked up by their pursuer4 ,all these things had always been1 and he had not seen them2 he had not been with them4 ,now he was with them1 he belonged to them4 ,light and shade ran through his eyes1 through his heart ran star and moon4 ,on his way ,siddhartha also thought about all the things he had experienced in the garden of ,jetavana1 the teachings he had heard there1 the divine buddha1 the farewell from ,govinda1 his conversation with the noble one4 ,he thought again about the words that he had himself said to the noble one1 remembered every word1 and was astonished to suddenly realise that he had said things he had not known till then4 ,what he had said to ,gotama3 his own1 the buddha's1 treasures and secrets1 these were not the teachings1 the ineffable was the teaching1 something that could not be taught1 what he experienced at the moment of his enlightenment - yes1 this was the thing that he was now striving for1 what he was only now beginning to experience4 ,the thing that he had to experience now for himself4 ,he had probably long known that he was his own ,atman1 the same eternal essence as ,brahman4 ,but it was something he had never really found for himself because he had tried to capture it with the web of thought4 ,the body too1 could certainly not be the thing he sought1 nor playing games with thinking1 not thought1 not understanding1 not the wisdom that has been learned1 not the art that has been learned that allows you to draw conclusions and spin new thoughts from the ones already spun4 ,no1 even this world of thoughts was still on this side and it led nowhere to kill the random self of the senses1 only to cram the random self full of thoughts and doctrines4 ,both of them1 thoughts and senses1 were very beautiful but both of them hid the ultimate sense1 both of them were worth listening to1 worth playing with1 neither should be either despised or over-valued1 both of them offered to let you hear the secret voice of the innermost4 ,there was nothing he strove for other than what the voice told him to strive for1 nothing he would dwell on other than where the voice told him to dwell4 ,why had ,gotama sat under the bo tree at that moment of moments where enlightenment came upon him8 ,he had heard a voice1 a voice in his own heart which told him to seek rest under this tree1 he had not chosen rather to mortify his flesh1 to perform sacrifice1 ablution nor prayer1 he had not sought food nor drink nor sleep nor dreams1 he had done as the voice told him4 ,this obedience was the one thing needed1 not any command from outside himself1 just the voice1 to be ready1 that was good1 that was needed1 nothing else was needed4 ,in the night1 while he slept by the river in the ferry man's straw hut1 ,siddhartha had a dream3 ,govinda stood before him in the yellow robes of the ascetic4 ,govinda looked sad1 and sadly he asked1 8,why have you abandoned me80 ,at this ,siddhartha embraced ,govinda1 threw his arms around him1 and as he drew him to his breast and kissed him it was ,govinda no longer1 it was a woman1 and from the woman's robe welled out her full breast at which ,siddhartha put his mouth and drank1 sweet and strong was the taste of the milk from this breast4 ,it tasted of woman and man1 of sunshine and forest1 of beast and flower1 of every fruit1 of every joy4 ,it made him drunk and unaware of himself4 ,when ,siddhartha woke1 the pale river shimmered with light that came in through the door of the hut1 and from the forest came the deep1 dark1 distinct call of an owl4 ,at the start of day ,siddhartha asked his host1 the ferry man1 to take him across the river4 ,the ferry man put him on his bamboo raft and took him across the river as the red light of morning shimmered on the expanse of water4 8,this is a beautiful river10 he said to his companion4 8,yes10 said the ferry man1 8it is a very beautiful river1 ,i love it above all else4 ,i have many times listened to what it has to say1 many times looked into its eyes1 and it has always had something to teach me4 ,there is a great deal that you can learn from a river40 8,thank you for your help10 said ,siddhartha as he stepped onto the other shore4 8,i have nothing ,i could give you for your hospitality1 my friend1 nothing ,i could pay you4 ,i have no home to live in1 ,i am the son of a brahmin and a samana40 8,that was easy to see10 said the ferry man1 8and ,i never did expect any payment from you1 no gift for my hospitality4 ,you can give me something another time40 8,you think so80 said ,siddhartha with a laugh4 8,certainly4 ,that too is something ,i have learnt from the river3 everything comes back again6 ,even you1 samana1 you will be back again4 ,so1 farewell6 ,my fee can be your friendship4 ,think of me always when you make sacrifice to the gods40 ,smiling1 they took their leave of each other4 ,smiling1 ,siddhartha was glad of the friendship and the friendliness of the ferry man4 8,he is so like ,govinda10 he smiling thought1 8everyone ,i come across on my ways is like ,govinda4 ,everyone gives me thanks1 although it is they who have the right to receive thanks from me4 ,everyone is humble1 everyone wishes to be my friend1 everyone wishes to obey me and to think little4 ,people are like children40 ,around midday he was walking through a village4 ,in the street and in front of its mud huts there were children running about1 playing with marrow seeds and mussels1 they shouted and played rough games with each other1 but when this strange samana appeared they became timid and ran away4 ,as it left the village the path led across a stream and there was a young woman kneeling at the bank of the stream washing clothes4 ,as ,siddhartha greeted her she raised her head and looked up at him with a smile so that he could see the sparkling whiteness of her eyes4 ,he declared a blessing on her1 as is usual among travellers1 and asked her how far it still was till he would reach the big city4 ,at that1 she stood up and went up to him1 her face looked young and the light sparkled appealingly on her moist lips4 ,she exchanged a few jokey words with him1 asked if he was hungry1 and whether it was true that samanas sleep alone in the woods and are not allowed to have any women with them4 ,as she said this she placed her left foot on his right foot and made the kind of movement a woman makes when she is leading a man into that sort of amorous pleasure which the books call 8climbing a tree40 ,siddhartha felt his blood become warm1 and as his dream came back into his mind at that moment he leant down slightly towards the woman and1 with his lips1 he kissed the brown tip of her breast4 ,when he looked up he saw the smile on her face1 full of desire1 and that her narrowed eyes yearned for him4 ,siddhartha also felt desire and felt the source of his gender as it began to move2 but he had never touched a woman until then and he hesitated a moment before his hands were ready to reach out for her4 ,and in that moment he shivered as he heard a voice from deep within him1 and the voice said no4 ,then all the charm faded from the young woman's smiling face1 all he saw was the damp gaze of a woman impelled by lust like an animal4 ,he remained friendly1 stroked her cheek1 turned away from her and disappeared nimbly into the bamboo forest1 leaving her disappointed4 ,before the day had passed into evening1 ,siddhartha reached a big city1 and he looked forward to having human company4 ,he had lived long in the forests1 the straw hut of the ferry man where he had slept the previous night was the first time he had slept under any roof for a long time4 ,before he entered the town1 near a pleasant wood enclosed within a fence1 the wanderer met with a group of servants laden with baskets4 ,in the middle of them was their mistress on a decorated palanquin borne by four men1 she was seated on red cushions and protected from the sun under a brightly coloured roof4 ,siddhartha remained at the entrance to the wooded pleasure garden and watched the procession as it passed1 saw the servants1 the maids1 the baskets1 the palanquin1 and on the palanquin saw the lady4 ,under a high tower of black hair he saw a face that was very fair1 very tender and very wise1 he saw a mouth that was pink like a freshly opened fig1 eyebrows that were carefully tended and painted into tall arches1 eyes that were intelligent and dark1 a tall1 a fair neck that rose up from the green and golden clothing around it1 fair hands that lay at rest1 long and slender with wide gold rings over the joints4 ,siddhartha saw how beautiful she was1 and his heart laughed4 ,he bowed deeply as the palanquin came near1 and as he righted himself he looked into that fair and noble face1 into the intelligent eyes with their arched brows1 he breathed in a fragrance he did not know4 ,the beautiful woman smiled and briefly nodded to him before she disappeared into the wood1 followed by her servers4 ,that is a good portent for the city ,i am now entering1 thought ,siddhartha4 ,he felt the urge to go into the wood but then thought better of it1 and only then did he become aware of how the servers and maids at the entrance had looked at him1 with what contempt1 with what mistrust1 with what dismissal4 ,i am still a samana1 he thought1 still an ascetic and a beggar4 ,i will not1 as such1 be allowed to stay1 not be allowed into the wood4 ,and he laughed4 ,as soon as he met someone on the road he asked about the wood and what the name of that woman was4 ,he learned that it was the grove of ,kamala1 the famous courtesan1 and that she owned a house in the city as well as the wood4 ,siddhartha then made his way into the city4 ,now he knew where he should go4 ,in order to arrive there he allowed the city to drink him in1 followed the crowds in the streets1 stood still in the city squares1 rested on the stone steps beside the river4 ,as evening fell he made friends with a barber's assistant whom he had seen at work in the shade of a dome4 ,he came across him later that day as he prayed in a temple of ,vishnu1 and told him the stories about ,vishnu and ,lakshmi4 ,he slept that night among the boats on the river and then1 early in the morning1 before the first customers arrived in his shop1 he had the barber's assistant shave him1 cut his hair1 comb his hair and dress it with fine oil4 ,then he went down to bathe in the river4 ,late that afternoon when the beautiful ,kamala was approaching her grove on her palanquin she found ,siddhartha waiting at the entrance4 ,he bowed to her and accepted her greeting to him4 ,when the train of servants had nearly passed him he caught the attention of the last of them and asked him to inform his mistress that there was a young brahmin who wished to speak with her4 ,siddhartha waited1 after a while the servant came back1 invited him to follow him1 led him in silence into a pavilion where ,kamala lay on a couch and left him alone with her4 8,was it not you who stood outside there yesterday and offered me greeting8 ,kamala asked4 8,indeed1 ,i did see you yesterday and offer you greeting40 8,but did you not have a beard yesterday1 and long hair and dust in your hair80 8,you observed well1 you saw everything4 ,you saw ,siddhartha1 the brahmin's son who left his home to become a samana and spent three years as a samana4 ,now1 though1 ,i have left that path and come to this city1 and you were the first to greet me her1 even before ,i had set foot in it4 ,i can say that it is to you that ,i have come1 o ,kamala6 ,you are the first woman with whom ,siddhartha has spoken without his eyes lowered4 ,i will never again lower my eyes when ,i meet with a beautiful woman40 ,kamala smiled and played with her fan of peacock feathers4 ,and she asked1 8,and has ,siddhartha come to me just to say this80 8,to say this and to give you my thanks for your beauty4 ,and if it will not displease you1 ,kamala1 ,i should like to ask you to be my friend and my teacher1 for ,i still know nothing of the arts in which you are so expert40 ,at this ,kamala laughed out loud4 8,this has never happened to me before1 my friend1 a samana comes to me out of the woods and wants to learn from me6 ,it has never happened to me that a long-haired samana in a ragged loin cloth has come to me6 ,there are many young men who do come to me1 some of them are even the sons of brahmins1 but they come wearing beautiful clothes and expensive shoes1 they have perfumed hair and a purse full of money4 ,that is what the young men look like who come to me1 samana40 ,siddhartha said1 8,i am only beginning to learn from you4 ,but ,i already learned from you yesterday4 ,i have had my beard nicely removed1 ,i have combed my hair and have oil in it4 ,the things ,i lack are the things least important1 most excellent lady3 fine clothes1 fine shoes1 money in a purse4 ,do be aware that ,siddhartha has undertaken much harder tasks than trifles like that1 and has achieved them4 ,why should ,i not now achieve the task ,i undertook yesterday8 ,to be your friend and to learn the pleasures of love from you6 ,you will see what a good student ,i am1 ,kamala1 ,i have learned many thing that are harder than what you have to teach me4 ,do you say1 then1 that ,siddhartha is not good enough for you as he is1 with oil in his hair but without clothes1 without shoes1 without money80 ,kamala laughed out loud and said1 8,no1 worthy young man1 he is not good enough6 ,not yet6 ,he must have clothes1 beautiful clothes1 shoes must he have1 fine shoes1 he must have plentiful money in his purse1 and he must bring presents for ,kamala4 ,do you understand now1 samana from the woods8 ,do you see80 8,i see it well10 ,siddhartha exclaimed4 8,how could ,i have failed to see what has just come from a mouth such as this8 ,your mouth is like a fig freshly broken open1 ,kamala4 ,my mouth1 too1 is red and fresh1 it will suit your mouth well1 you will see4 ,but1 beautiful ,kamala1 are you not at all afraid of this samana from the woods who has come to you to learn the arts of love80 8,why should ,i be afraid of a samana1 a stupid samana1 come from the woods where the jackals live and who still has no idea of what women are80 8,the samana is strong1 though4 ,he fears nothing4 ,he would be able to force you1 handsome girl4 ,he could rob you4 ,he could hurt you40 8,no1 samana1 ,i'm not afraid of that4 ,has a samana or a brahmin ever been afraid that someone might come and attack him and rob him of his learning1 his piety or his deep understanding8 ,no1 for those things belong to him alone1 and he gives them to others only when he wants to give and to whom he wants to give4 ,it is just the same for ,kamala and the joys of love4 ,kamala's mouth is red and lovely1 but if you try to kiss it against ,kamala's will you will have not a drop of sweetness from it1 even though it knows how to give so much sweetness4 ,siddhartha1 you want to learn1 so here is something for you to learn3 ,you can beg for love1 buy love1 receive love as a gift1 you can find it on the street1 but you cannot steal love4 ,this way that you have invented for yourself is wrong4 ,no1 and it would be such a pity if a charming young man such as yourself grabbed for it in a way that is so mistaken40 ,siddhartha smiled and bowed to her4 8,yes1 ,kamala1 you are quite right6 ,it would be a pity4 ,it would be an awful pity4 ,no1 ,i do not want any drop of sweetness from your mouth to be wasted on me1 nor any drop of mine wasted on you6 ,only one option remains for us4 ,siddhartha must come back when he has the things that1 at present1 are lacking3 clothes1 shoes1 money4 ,but1 noble ,kamala1 tell me1 can you not give me just one more piece of advice80 8,a piece of advice ,why not8 ,who would not be happy to give a piece of advice to a poor and innocent samana1 just come down from the woods where the jackals live80 8,so tell me1 dear ,kamala1 tell me where ,i should go so that ,i can obtain these three things as quickly as possible80 8,there are many who would like to know that1 my friend4 ,you will have to do what you have learnt to do1 and take money for it1 and clothes1 and shoes4 ,there is no other way for a poor man to obtain money4 ,what can you do then80 8,i can think4 ,i can wait4 ,i can fast40 8,is that all80 8,that is all4 ,wait1 ,i can write poetry too4 ,will you give me a kiss in exchange for a poem80 8,yes1 ,i will give you a kiss1 if ,i like the poem4 ,what is the title of this poem then80 ,siddhartha thought about it for a moment1 and then he spoke these verses3 ,the shadowy grove where went the lovely ,kamala1 ,the entrance there1 where stood the brown-skin'd samana1 ,there bowed he deep1 he saw the lotus flower1 ,and ,kamala thanked him with smiles and graciousness4 #8,tis lovely1 thought he1 to offer praise to gods1 #8,tis lovelier still to sacrifice all for her4 ,the lovely ,kamala clapped her bangled hands4 8,your verses are lovely1 brown samana1 and indeed ,i have nothing to lose if ,i let you have a kiss for them40 ,with a gesture of her eyes she drew him to herself1 he leant his face to hers and put his mouth on her mouth1 which was like a fig newly broken open4 ,kamala's kiss was long1 and ,siddhartha felt deep astonishment at how she taught him1 at how wise she was1 at how she mastered him1 pushed him away and drew him back1 and at how this first kiss would be followed by many more1 a long1 well ordered1 well-tested series of kisses1 each of them different from the last1 that awaited him4 ,he remained standing1 breathing deeply1 and at that moment he was amazed at the fullness of knowledge1 the fullness of things worth knowing1 that promised themselves to him in front of his eyes4 8,your verses are lovely10 ,kamala declared1 8if ,i were rich ,i would give you a piece of gold for them4 ,though you will find it very hard to gather as much money as you need by making up verses4 ,you will1 after all1 need such a lot of money if you want to be the friend of ,kamala40 8,th44the way you kiss1 ,kamala60 ,siddhartha stammered4 8,yes1 ,i am good at that1 aren't ,i4 ,that is why ,i am never short of clothes and shoes and jewelry and all those nice things4 ,but what will become of you8 ,can you think of nothing else but thinking and fasting and making up verses80 8,i know the songs for performing sacrifice1 too10 said ,siddhartha1 8though ,i no longer wish to sing them4 ,i know magic spells1 too1 though ,i no longer wish to cast them4 ,i have read the scriptures 4440 8,stop10 ,kamala interrupted him4 8,you can read8 ,and write80 8,of course ,i can4 ,there are many who can40 8,most people cannot4 ,even ,i cannot4 ,it is very good that you can read and write1 very good4 ,you will even be able to put the magic spells to good use40 ,at that moment a servant girl came running and whispered something into her mistress's ear4 8,i have a visitor10 ,kamala declared4 ,you must go ,siddhartha1 quickly1 you need to be aware that no-one should ever see you here6 ,i will see you again tomorrow40 ,but she ordered the maid to give the pious brahmin a white shirt4 ,before he knew what was happening to him the maid had led ,siddhartha away through indirect paths to a summerhouse1 given him the shirt1 drawn him into the undergrowth and emphasised to him that he should leave the grove as quickly as possible and without being seen by anyone4 ,he was content to do as he had been told4 ,he was used to the woods and made his way out of the grove and over the hedge without a sound4 ,he was content to make his way back into the town1 the shirt1 rolled into a bundle1 under his arm4 ,he went to the door of a travellers' hostel and asked silently for food1 and silently accepted a piece of rice cake4 ,this is probably the last day1 he thought1 when ,i will ever beg for food4 ,pride suddenly flamed up in him4 ,he was no longer a samana1 it was no longer appropriate for him to beg4 ,he gave the rice cake to a dog and1 himself1 went without food4 8,life here in the world is simple10 ,siddhartha thought4 8,there are no difficulties4 ,when ,i was still a samana everything was difficult1 it took much effort and1 in the end1 it was without hope4 ,everything is easy now1 the lesson in kissing that ,kamala gave me was easy4 ,i need clothes and money1 that is all1 and aims like that are petty and close at hand1 no-one would lose any sleep about them40 ,he had long since discovered where ,kamala's house in the city was1 and the following day he arrived at its door4 8,it is going well10 she called out to him4 8,you are expected by ,kamaswami1 and he is the richest businessman in the city4 ,if he likes you he will take you into his service1 so do be clever1 won't you1 brown samana4 ,i have had others tell him all about you4 ,be friendly to him1 he is very powerful4 ,but do not be too modest about yourself6 ,i do not want you to be just one of his servants1 you will have to be his equal1 or else ,i will not be happy with you4 ,kamaswami is getting old1 he is becoming complacent4 ,if he likes you he will place a lot of trust in you40 ,siddhartha thanked her and laughed1 and when he told her he had eaten nothing that day or the previous day she had bread and fruit brought for him to eat4 8,you have been lucky10 she told him as he left1 8one door after another is opening up for you4 ,how could that be possible8 ,are you performing magic80 ,siddhartha said1 8,yesterday ,i told you ,i know how to think1 to wait1 and to fast1 but you thought that would be of no use4 ,but it is very useful1 ,kamala1 you will see4 ,you will see that the stupid samanas in the wood learn to know and to do many nice things that you do not know how to do4 ,two days ago ,i was just a ragged beggar1 one day ago ,i had already kissed ,kamala1 and soon ,i will be a businessman with money and with all the things that you think are important40 8,i expect you will10 she conceded4 8,but where would you be without me8 ,what would become of you if ,kamala did not help you80 8,dear ,kamala10 said ,siddhartha1 standing up straight1 8when ,i came to you in your grove it was ,i who made the first step4 ,i was resolved to learn the art of love from this most beautiful of women4 ,from the very moment when ,i formed this resolution ,i also knew that ,i would succeed in it4 ,i knew that you would help me1 ,i knew it from the moment ,i first glimpsed you at the entrance to the grove40 8,what if ,i had not wanted to80 8,you did want to4 ,kamala1 listen3 if you throw a stone into water it drops quickly to the bottom by the fastest route it can4 ,siddhartha does nothing1 he waits1 he thinks1 he fasts1 but he goes through the things of the world like a stone through water without doing anything1 without making any effort2 he is drawn1 he lets himself fall4 ,his objective pulls him to itself1 for he allows nothing into his soul that might work against his objective4 ,that1 ,kamala1 is what ,siddhartha learnt among the samanas4 ,that1 ,kamala1 is what fools call magic in the supposition that it is performed by demons4 ,nothing is ever performed by demons1 there are no demons4 ,anyone can perform magic1 anyone can attain his objectives if he is capable of thought1 if he is capable of waiting1 if he is capable of fasting40 ,kamala listened to him4 ,she loved his voice1 she loved the look in his eyes4 8,maybe1 my friend10 she said quietly1 8you are right in what you say4 ,maybe it is also true that ,siddhartha is an attractive man1 that the look of him will appeal to women1 maybe that is what brings him all his luck40 ,with a kiss1 ,siddhartha took his leave4 8,i hope you are right1 my teacher4 ,i hope the look of me will always please you1 ,i hope you will always bring me luck60 ,,among ,,the ,,childlike ,,people ,siddhartha went to see ,kamaswami the businessman1 he was shown into a house of opulence1 servants led him past costly carpets into a chamber where he waited for the master of the house4 ,kamaswami entered1 a fast-moving1 nimble man with very grey hair1 with very clever and cautious eyes and an acquisitive-looking mouth4 ,master and guest offered friendly greetings to each other4 8,i am told10 the businessman began1 8that you are a brahmin1 a man of learning1 but you seek a position in the service of a businessman4 ,have you fallen into need then1 brahman1 is that why you seek a position of service80 8,no10 said ,siddhartha1 8,i have not fallen into need and ,i never have had difficulties4 ,you should be aware that ,i come from the samanas1 among whom ,i lived for a long time40 8,how can you not be in need if you have come from the samanas8 ,do samanas not live completely without possessions80 8,i am without possessions10 said ,siddhartha1 8if that is what you mean4 ,certainly1 ,i am without possessions4 ,but ,i am without possessions by my own free will1 so ,i am not in need40 8,what do you think you will live on if you have no possessions80 8,i have never thought about that1 sir4 ,i have been without possessions for more than three years1 and have never given a thought to what ,i should live on40 8,you have lived on the possessions of others then1 have you80 8,that is what some would say4 ,but a businessman1 too1 lives on the possessions of others40 8,well said4 ,but he does not take the possessions of others for nothing2 he gives them his goods for them40 8,that does indeed seem to be their relationship4 ,each takes1 each gives1 that is life40 8,but1 if ,i may ask3 if you have no possessions what do you have to give80 8,each gives what he has4 ,the warrior gives strength1 the businessman gives goods1 the teacher gives teaching1 the farmer gives rice1 the fisherman gives fish4 8,very well4 ,and what is it1 then1 that you have to give8 ,what is it that you have learnt to do80 8,i can think4 ,i can wait4 ,i can fast40 8,is that all80 8,i think that is all60 8,and what is the good of that8 ,fasting1 for instance1 what is the good of that80 8,it is a lot of good1 sir4 ,if a man has nothing to eat then fasting is the cleverest thing of all that he can do4 ,if1 for instance1 ,siddhartha had never learnt to fast he would now have to perform some kind of service1 be it for you or anyone else1 for hunger would force him into it4 ,but now ,siddhartha can wait in peace1 he knows no impatience1 he knows no urgency1 he can long withstand the siege of hunger and can laugh in its face4 ,that1 sir1 is the good of fasting40 8,you are right1 samana4 ,wait a moment40 ,kamaswami went out and came back with a roll of paper which he handed to his guest1 asking1 8,can you read this80 ,siddhartha looked at the roll on which a business contract was written and began to read out what it said4 8,excellent10 said ,kamaswami4 8,and now will you write something on this sheet for me80 ,he gave him pen and paper1 and ,siddhartha wrote and gave the sheet of paper back4 ,kamaswami read1 8,writing is good1 thinking is better4 ,cleverness is good1 patience is better40 8,you can write very well10 the businessman praised him4 ,we will have a lot to talk about together4 ,for today1 though1 ,i ask you to be my guest and to take up residence in this house40 ,siddhartha thanked him and accepted his offer1 and now he lived in the merchant's house4 ,clothes were brought to him1 and shoes1 and a servant prepared his bath for him every day4 ,twice a day a copious meal was brought in1 but ,siddhartha ate only once a day and he neither ate flesh nor drank wine4 ,kamaswami told him about his business1 showed him his goods and his warehouses1 let him see his accounts4 ,siddhartha learned many new things1 he listened much and spoke little4 ,he remembered the words of ,kamala and was never the merchant's subordinate1 he forced him to see him as his equal1 even to treat him as more than his equal4 ,kamaswami took great care over his business1 often even showing passion for it1 but ,siddhartha saw it all as a game4 ,he made the effort to learn the rules of the game1 but the content of the game did not touch his heart4 ,siddhartha had not been long in ,kamaswami's house before he took part in its owner's business affairs4 ,every day1 but at the time she stipulated1 he would visit the beautiful ,kamala1 wearing fine clothes1 fine shoes1 and he soon began also to bring her presents4 ,he learned a lot from her red and skillful mouth4 ,he learned a lot from her gentle and supple hand4 ,in matters of love ,siddhartha was still a child1 he was inclined to throw himself blindly and insatiably into his pleasures as if into a bottomless pit1 but ,kamala taught him from the very basics1 she taught him that you cannot receive pleasure without giving pleasure1 that every gesture1 every stroke1 every touch1 every look1 every tiny part of the body has its secret1 and waking those secrets will bring happiness to whoever knows about them4 ,she taught him that lovers should never separate immediately after the celebration of their love1 not without each admiring the other1 not without having conquered and having been conquered1 so that neither will feel over-sated or abandoned or cross1 or feel that one has misused the other or feel to have been misused4 ,the hours he spent with this clever and beautiful artist were a time of wonder1 he became her student1 her lover1 her friend4 ,the value and meaning of his life now lay here with ,kamala1 not with the business affairs of ,kamaswami4 ,the businessman delegated the writing of important letters and contracts to him1 and formed the habit of seeking his advice on all important decisions4 ,he saw quickly that ,siddhartha knew little about rice and wool1 about shipping and commerce1 but he saw that what he did brought good luck1 he saw that ,siddhartha knew far more than he about peace and equanimity1 about the art of listening1 and saw his acumen in understanding strangers4 8,this brahmin10 he said to a friend1 8is not a proper businessman and he never will be1 his soul never goes into affairs with any passion4 ,but he has the secret of people to whom success comes of itself4 ,maybe it is because he was born under a good star1 maybe it is magic1 and maybe it is something he learned when he lived with the samanas4 ,he only ever seems to be playing at business1 business never seems to penetrate him1 never to be his master1 he never fears failure and he is never bothered by making a loss40 ,the friend advised the businessman1 8,give him a third of the profit of all the business he does for you1 and let him bear the same proportion of the losses when they happen4 ,that will make him more enthusiastic40 ,kamaswami followed this advice4 ,but ,siddhartha seemed little bothered by it4 ,if he made a profit he accepted it with indifference2 if he made a loss he would laugh and say1 8,oh look1 that did not go well60 ,it did indeed seem that he was indifferent to affairs of business4 ,one day he went out to a village to buy up a large harvest of rice1 but when he arrived the rice had already been sold to another handler4 ,siddhartha nonetheless remained for several days in the village1 making the farmers his guests1 giving copper coins to their children1 attended a wedding ceremony1 and came back from his journey entirely happy and content4 ,kamaswami accused him of squandering time and money by not having come straight back4 ,siddhartha answered1 8,do not tell me off1 my friend6 ,nothing has ever been achieved by telling anyone off4 ,if ,i have caused you to make a loss just let me bear it4 ,i am very satisfied with this journey4 ,i met many new people1 a brahmin is now my friend1 children played on my knees1 farmers showed me their fields1 no-one treated me there like a businessman40 8,that sounds all very nice10 exclaimed ,kamaswami grudgingly1 8but ,i should have thought that a businessman is what you actually are6 ,or did you go out there just for your own pleasure80 8,certainly10 laughed ,siddhartha1 8certainly it was for my own pleasure that ,i went there4 ,why else would ,i have gone there8 ,i have met new people1 seen new places1 enjoyed trust and friendliness1 found friendship4 ,listen my friend1 if ,i were ,kamaswami ,i would have hurried back as soon as ,i saw that my attempt to purchase was in vain1 ,i would have been full of annoyance1 and in that case then time and money really would have gone to waste4 ,as it is ,i have spent several days well1 ,i have learned things1 ,i have enjoyed the company of friends1 ,i have done no harm to myself or anyone else either by getting cross or by being in too much of a hurry4 ,and if ,i ever go there again1 to buy a harvest in advance for instance or for any other reason1 ,i will have a friendly welcome from cheerful people1 and ,i will congratulate myself for not having been rushed or bad tempered this time4 ,so leave things well enough alone1 my friend1 don't harm yourself by telling me off6 ,if the day ever comes when you see that ,siddhartha has brought you any harm then just say the word and ,siddhartha will go on his way4 ,but till then let us just be content with each other as we are40 ,the businessman tried to persuade ,siddhartha by saying he was eating his1 ,kamaswami's1 bread1 but this too was in vain4 ,it was his own bread that he ate1 or rather both of them ate the bread of others1 the bread of everyone4 ,siddhartha never had an ear for ,kamaswami's worries1 and ,kamaswami made many worries for himself4 ,if a deal was in process that might go badly1 if goods dispatched seemed to have been lost1 if a debtor seemed unable to pay1 ,kamaswami was never able to convince his co-worker that it would be of any use to speak words of anger or concern1 to furrow one's brow1 to lose any sleep4 ,one time when ,kamaswami reproached ,siddhartha the claim that everything he knew he had learned from him1 ,siddhartha replied1 8,don't be so ridiculous6 ,what ,i have learnt from you is the price of a basket of fish and how much interest you can exact for money you lend4 ,those things are your kind of knowledge4 ,you have never taught me to think1 my dear ,kamaswami1 it might be better if you wanted to learn thinking from me40 ,it was true that ,siddhartha's heart was not in business4 ,business was good for him to obtain money for ,kamala1 and he obtained much more than he needed4 ,moreover1 ,siddhartha was only concerned with people4 ,their business1 craft1 worries1 pleasures and follies had earlier been as strange and distant as the moon1 but now he took an interest in them4 ,he had no difficulty in talking with everyone1 to live with everyone1 to learn from everyone1 but the easier this was the more he became aware that there was something that separated him from them1 and that was because he had been a samana4 ,he saw how people lived their lives in a way that was like children or animals1 something he both loved and despised4 ,he saw their strivings1 saw their sufferings and saw them turn grey about things that seemed to him not worth that price1 about money1 about petty pleasures1 matters of petty honour1 he saw them shouting and insulting each other1 he saw them lamenting for pains which a samana would merely smile at1 and for losses which a samana does not feel4 ,he was open to everything that these people brought him4 ,the businessman was welcome who brought canvas for him to buy1 the debtor was welcome who came asking for a loan1 the beggar was welcome who spent an hour to tell him the story of his poverty but who was not half as poor as any samana4 ,he behaved toward the rich foreign businessman in the same way as to the servant who shaved him or the street seller1 and would allow him to cheat him of a few petty coins when he bought bananas4 ,when ,kamaswami came to him to lament his troubles or to accuse him of having handled a deal badly he listened to him with cheerful interest1 wondered about him1 tried to understand him1 acknowledged that he was right on some small points when he had to1 and then he would turn away to the next person who wanted his attention4 ,and there were many who did want it1 many who came to do business with him1 many who came to cheat him1 many who came to obtain information from him1 many who wanted his pity1 many who wanted his advice4 ,he gave advice1 he showed pity1 he gave advice1 he allowed himself to be cheated1 slightly1 and all this game1 and all the passion with which all these people played it1 occupied his thoughts just as much as1 at one time1 thoughts about the gods and about ,brahman4 ,from time to time he would feel1 deep in his breast1 a faint and tender voice that gently admonished1 gently complained1 so gentle he was hardly aware of it4 ,then he would become aware for an hour of what an odd life he was leading1 that he was doing all these things just as a game1 that although he was cheerful and felt moments of pleasure his real life was flowing past without touching him4 ,he played with his business affairs and the people he came into contact with in the same way as a sportsman plays with his ball1 he watched them and found fun in so doing2 in his heart1 in the source of his being1 he was not present4 ,there was a place where that source flowed1 but how far that place was from him1 flowing and flowing out of sight1 no longer had anything to do with his life4 ,and there were times when he was alarmed at thoughts of this sort1 and he wished he too could be granted a passion for all the childish to activity of the day1 to take part in it with his heart1 truly to live1 truly to do1 truly to enjoy life instead of just standing at one side of it as an onlooker4 ,but he always went back to the beautiful ,kamala1 learned the art of love1 practised the cult of lust by which1 more than anywhere else1 giving and taking become the same thing1 he talked with her1 learned from her1 gave her his advice1 accepted her advice4 ,she understood him better than ,govinda once had1 she was more like him than ,govinda had been4 ,one day he said to her1 8,you are like me1 you are different from most people4 ,you are ,kamala1 nothing else1 and deep inside you there is peace and a refuge where you can go at any time and feel that that is your place1 just as ,i can4 ,few people have that1 though all people could have it40 8,not all people are clever10 said ,kamala4 8,no10 said ,siddhartha1 8that is not what it is about4 ,kamaswami is just as clever as ,i am1 but he has no place of refuge within himself4 ,others have one1 people whose understanding is like that of a small child4 ,most people1 ,kamala1 are like a leaf falling through the air and is blown from side to side1 it twists1 it staggers1 till it hits the ground4 ,there are others1 though not many1 who are like the stars1 they follow a fixed course1 no wind blows them1 they have their laws and their path set within themselves4 ,all the learned men and all the samanas - and ,i have known many of them - had one of this sort among them1 a perfect one1 and ,i can never forget him4 ,he is ,gotama1 the noble one who disseminated that teaching4 ,thousands of young men listen to his teachings every day1 they follow his precepts every hour of every day1 but each one of them is a falling leaf1 they do not have law and teachings within themselves40 ,kamala looked at him with a smile4 8,you are talking about him again10 she said1 8you have your samana thoughts again40 ,siddhartha was silent1 and they played the game of love1 one of the thirty or forty different games that ,kamala knew4 ,her body was as supple as a jaguar's1 and as the bow of a hunter2 whoever learned the art of love from her came to know many joys1 many secrets4 ,she played long with ,siddhartha1 she drew him close1 pushed him back1 manipulated him1 enveloped him3 he enjoyed his mastery until he had been defeated and then1 exhausted1 he would rest at her side4 ,the courtesan leant over him1 looked long into his face1 into his now tired eyes4 8,you are the best lover10 she said thoughtfully1 8,i have ever known4 ,you are stronger than the others1 more supple1 more willing4 ,you have learnt my art well1 ,siddhartha4 ,one day1 when ,i am older1 ,i would like to have a child from you4 ,but1 my love1 you have never stopped being a samana1 and that means you do not love me1 there is no-one whom you love4 ,am ,i right80 8,you might well be right10 said ,siddhartha1 tired4 8,i am like you4 ,you do not love either - if you did1 how could you carry on with love making as a craft8 ,perhaps people like you and me cannot love4 ,the childlike people can2 that is their secret40 ,,sansara ,siddhartha had spent a long time in the world of pleasure1 though without being a part of it4 ,in his years as a devoted samana he had put his senses to death but now they woke anew1 he had tasted riches1 tasted voluptuousness1 tasted power2 but in his heart he had remained a samana throughout this lengthy time1 just as ,kamala1 clever ,kamala1 had seen4 ,his life had been directed by the art of thinking1 of waiting1 of fasting1 and it continued to be so4 ,the people of the world1 the childlike people1 continued to be strangers for him1 just as he was a stranger for them4 ,the years went by and ,siddhartha1 wrapped in affluence1 barely noticed how each of them passed away4 ,he had become rich1 he had long been the owner of his own house with servants and a garden by the river just outside the city4 ,people liked him1 they came to him when they needed money or advice1 but1 apart from ,kamala1 no-one was close to him4 ,that lofty1 bright awareness that he had once experienced at the high point of his youth in the days after ,gotama's sermon1 the time since the separation from ,govinda1 that taut expectation1 that proud independence without teachings and without a teacher1 that readiness to hear the voice of the divine from many sources1 including his own heart1 all this had slowly turned into mere memories1 had become something ephemeral2 the source of holiness that had once been near to had him become something distant1 something whose murmurings had become quiet1 though it had once murmured within him4 ,it was true that much of what he had learned from the samanas1 that he had learned from ,gotama1 that he had learned from his father the ,brahmin1 had remained within in him through this time3 a modest life1 the joy of thinking1 hours in meditation1 secret knowledge of his self1 the eternal self which is neither body nor awareness4 ,much of it remained within him1 but the rest had little by little sunk down and become covered in dust4 ,like the potter's wheel that1 once set turning1 will continue long to turn1 and only slowly will tire and lose its motion1 the wheel of asceticism in ,siddhartha's soul1 the wheel of thinking1 the wheel of discernment1 continued to turn and was still turning1 but it turned slowly and hesitantly and was close to stopping4 ,slowly1 like damp that soaks into the trunk of a dying tree1 slowly filling it and making it decay1 the world and apathy had insidiously soaked into ,siddhartha's soul1 slowly filling it and making it heavy1 making it tired4 ,his senses1 though1 gained vigour1 for they had learned much1 experienced much4 ,siddhartha had learned how to do business1 how to exercise power over people1 to have pleasure with women1 he had learned to wear nice clothes1 to give orders to servants1 to bathe in perfumed water4 ,he had learned to eat dainty and carefully prepared foods1 even to eat fish and meat and fowl1 spices and sweet things1 to drink wine that makes you weary and forgetful4 ,he had learned to play with dice and on the chess board1 to observe dancers1 to be carried on a litter and to sleep on a soft bed4 ,but he had always felt he was different from others1 superior to them1 he always looked on them with a touch of laughter1 with a touch of jeering contempt1 with that very contempt that a samana always feels for people of the world4 ,when ,kamaswami was in a bad mood1 when he became quarrelsome1 when he felt he had been treated badly1 when he felt over-burdened with the worries of business1 ,siddhartha had always found it laughable4 ,but slowly and imperceptibly1 as harvest times and rainy seasons came and went1 his contemptuous laughter became more tired1 his sense of superiority became subdued4 ,only slowly1 there among his increasing wealth1 ,siddhartha had taken on something of the character of the childlike people1 something of their naivety1 something of their anxiety4 ,and yet he envied them1 and the more like them he became the more he envied them4 ,he envied them for the one thing he did not have and they did have1 he envied them for the importance they attributed to their lives1 he envied the passion they felt in their joys and sorrows1 envied the worried but sweet happiness they had in their never-ending loves4 ,their love for themselves1 for women1 for their children1 for money or honours1 for hopes and plans1 these people were always in love with something4 ,but it was not from them that he learned this1 especially not their childlike joys and childlike follies2 what he learned from them was the unpleasant things1 the things he himself despised4 ,more and more often1 in the morning after spending the evening with friends he would lie long in bed feeling dull and tired4 ,when ,kamaswami bored him with his worries he would become irritable and impatient4 ,when he lost a game playing at dice he would laugh much too loudly4 ,his face was still cleverer and more spiritual than others' but it seldom laughed1 and one by one it took on the features so often seen in the face of rich people1 features of discontent1 of poor health1 of surliness1 of apathy1 of indifference to others4 ,slowly1 the sickness of the soul seen in rich people took hold of him4 ,weariness sank over ,siddhartha like a veil1 like a light mist that with every day became a little heavier1 every month a little thicker1 every year a little heavier4 ,as when a new garment becomes old with time1 loses its bright colours with time1 gathers stains1 gathers creases1 becomes worn at its hems and1 here and there1 begins to show places that are worn and threadbare1 so ,siddhartha's new life that he had begun when he took his leave of ,govinda had become old1 with the quickly passing years it had lost its colour and its sheen1 it had gathered stains and creases4 ,this ugly sight was hidden at the base of it but here and there it could already be seen1 disappointment and disgust lay in wait for him4 ,siddhartha did not notice4 ,he noticed only that the bright and certain voice of his inside which once had woken within him and had led him through his years of splendour had now become silent4 ,the world had taken possession of him1 fun1 lust1 apathy1 and lastly that very vice that he had most despised and for which he had had the most contempt because of its folly1 greed4 ,even property1 the owning of riches1 had finally taken hold of him1 it was no longer a frivolous game1 it had become his chains and his burden4 ,it was an odd and insidious path that had led ,siddhartha into this final and most contemptible of dependencies1 playing dice4 ,to be exact1 as soon as1 in his heart1 he had ceased to be a samana1 he had begun to gamble for money and dainty luxuries4 ,he had previously despised these things1 he had previously taken part in them with laughing indifference as one of the things done by the childlike people1 but now he took part with growing aggressivity and passion4 ,other gamblers viewed him with fear1 few would dare to play against him because the stakes he laid down were so high and audacious4 ,something in his heart compelled him to gamble1 money was something miserable and when he lost1 when he threw it away1 it brought him a haughty pleasure1 there was no more ostentatious way1 no more contemptuous way that he could display his disdain for riches1 the idol of businessmen4 ,so he gambled high and without reserve1 he hated himself for this1 he despised himself for it1 he threw it in by the thousand1 threw it away by the thousand1 he lost money1 lost jewelry1 lost a country house1 then he won again1 then he lost again4 ,the anxiety1 every terrible and oppressive anxiety he felt while throwing the dice for worryingly high stakes was something he loved1 he always sought to renew it1 always to raise it1 always to tickle it a little higher1 for it was in this feeling alone that he could feel something like happiness1 something like inebriation1 something like a higher kind of life in among the sated1 lukewarm1 insipid life he led4 ,every time he lost a large amount he thought of gaining new riches1 threw himself into business with new vigour and pressed his debtors harder to make them pay1 for he wished to gamble again1 he wanted to squander again1 wanted1 again1 to display the contempt he had for riches4 ,siddhartha no longer had the indifference he had had when he lost1 he no longer had the patience he had shown for bad debtors1 no longer had the goodwill he had practised toward beggars1 no longer had the joy he had felt when he made gifts or lent money to them who asked1 knowing it would not be repaid4 ,he would stake ten thousand on a throw of the dice and laugh when he lost it1 but in his business affairs he became stricter and pettier1 and at night he sometimes dreamt of money6 ,whenever he awoke from this vile enchantment1 whenever he looked in the mirror on the bedroom wall and saw his face changed and uglier1 whenever he felt beset by shame and disgust1 then he would flee from it1 he would flee into new games of chance1 flee into the numbness of lust1 the numbness of wine1 and from there flee back into piling up more possessions4 ,he ran around in this meaningless circle until he was tired1 until he was old1 until he was ill4 ,until he was admonished in a dream4 ,he had spent the evening hours with ,kamala in her gorgeous pleasure garden4 ,they had sat talking under the trees1 and ,kamala offered some well-considered words1 words with sorrow and tiredness hidden behind them4 ,she had asked him to tell her about ,gotama and could not hear enough about him1 the clarity of his eyes1 the quiet beauty of his mouth1 the benevolence of his smile1 the peace of his walk4 ,he had to tell her about the noble buddha for great lengths of time1 and ,kamala would sigh and say1 8,one day1 perhaps one day soon1 ,i will go and follow this buddha too4 ,i will give my pleasure garden to him and take refuge in his teachings40 ,but then she would tease him1 she would lead him into playful lovemaking1 she would chain him to her with a passion that was painful1 with biting1 with tears1 as if she wanted1 just once more1 to press the last drops of sweetness out of this life of vain and short-lived fun4 ,never had it been so exceptionally clear to ,siddhartha how close lust is to death4 ,then he would lie at her side and ,kamala's face would come close to his1 and1 clearer than ever before1 he would read a message of anxiety under her eyes and at the corners of her mouth1 a script of fine lines1 of slight wrinkles1 a script reminiscent of ,autumn and of growing old just as ,siddhartha was himself growing old1 for he was now in his forties and had noticed grey hairs here and there among the black ones4 ,tiredness could be read on ,kamala's beautiful face1 tiredness from traveling a long road that has no happy ending1 tiredness and the start of her decline1 and hidden there1 not yet spoken of1 was an anxiety that she was not yet aware of3 fear of old age1 fear of the ,autumn1 fear of the certainty of death4 ,he had taken his leave of her with a sigh1 his soul full of lethargy1 full of concealed anxiety4 ,one time1 when ,siddhartha had spent an evening at home with wine and dancing girls1 when he had played the superior with his peers1 though he no longer was their superior1 when he had drunk a great deal of wine and1 tired but excited1 he had not gone to seek his rest until long after midnight1 he found himself in a state of despair and was close to tears4 ,he waited long in the vain pursuit of sleep1 his heart full of a sorrow that he thought he could no longer bear1 full of disgust that seemed to permeate every part of him like the vile taste of lukewarm wine1 like the over-sweet and vapid music1 like the over-soft smiles on the dancers' faces1 like the over-sweet scent on their hair and their breasts4 ,but what disgusted him more than anything else was himself1 his perfumed hair1 the smell of wine in his mouth1 the tired slackness and the dullness of his skin4 ,just as one who has eaten or drunk too much will endure his vomiting and even feel glad at the relief it brings1 so ,siddhartha1 unable to sleep1 felt a gush of monstrous disgust and wished to be relieved of these pleasures1 these habits1 this entire life of meaninglessness4 ,it was only when the first light of morning came1 and the activities in the street in front of his house began to wake1 that he drowsed1 for a few moments felt some slight assuagement of his anguish1 found something resembling sleep4 ,and that was when he began to dream3 ,kamala had a small and rare songbird that she kept in a golden cage4 ,it was of this songbird that he dreamed4 ,he dreamt3 the bird had become silent1 though it had formerly always sung in the morning time1 and when he noticed this he went to the cage and looked in4 ,there he saw the little bird lying dead and stiff on the floor4 ,he took it out1 held it for a while in his hand and then threw it away1 out into the street4 ,at that moment he felt horror at what he had done and felt such pain in his heart as if he had thrown out everything of any value1 everything of any good about himself when he threw this bird out4 ,waking from this dream he felt himself possessed by a deep sorrow4 ,worthless1 it seemed to him1 worthless and meaningless was the life he had been leading2 nothing living1 nothing that was in anyway beautiful or worth keeping had remained with him4 ,he stood there alone and empty1 like a castaway on the shore4 ,in low spirits1 ,siddhartha betook himself to one of the pleasure gardens he owned1 he locked the gate1 sat down under a mango tree1 felt the death in his heart and bleakness in his heart1 he sat and felt how something in him was dying1 wilting1 coming to its end4 ,gradually he gathered his thoughts together and1 in his mind1 walked once more along the whole of his life's path1 beginning at the first day when he was able to think4 ,when was it that he had ever been happy1 felt any real joy8 ,oh yes1 he had experienced these things many times4 ,he had tasted that joy when1 as a boy1 he had been praised by the brahmins and he felt it in his heart1 8,there is a path that follows from recitation of holy scripture1 from argument with the learned ones1 from excelling when assisting in the performance of sacrifice10 ,then1 what he felt in his heart was1 8,there is a path for you to follow1 the path to which you are called1 the gods are expecting you40 ,and again when he was a young man because his thoughts rose ever higher1 they tore out and away from the commonplace many who had the same objectives1 because he was in accord with the sufferings and the meanings of ,brahman1 because when he attained new wisdom it would only arouse thirst for more knowledge1 because1 held in this thirst1 held in the pain of this self1 he had always again felt1 8,forward6 ,forward6 ,you have received the call60 ,he had accepted this call when he left home and chose the life of a samana1 and again when he left the samanas and sought the path of perfection1 although that was also a path into the unknown4 ,how long was it1 now1 that he had not heard that voice1 how long was it since he had attained any new heights1 how level and barren had his path become8 ,it had been many years1 years without any higher objective1 no thirsting1 no rising1 content with petty pleasures and nonetheless never satisfied6 ,throughout all these years1 without knowing it himself1 he had striven to be a person like these masses1 he had longed for it1 to be like these children and in the process had made a life for himself that was much more poor and miserable than theirs1 for their objectives were not his objectives1 nor were their worries his worries1 all this world of people like ,kamaswami had been just a game for him1 a dance to be looked at1 a comedy4 ,kamala alone was dear to him1 was something he valued - but was she still8 ,did he still need him1 or he her8 ,were they not playing a game without end8 ,was it necessary to live a life for that8 ,no1 it was not necessary8 ,the name of this game was sansara1 a children's game1 a game that it was good to play one1 twice1 ten times - but over and over again8 ,then ,siddhartha came to see that the game was at its end1 that he was no longer able to play it4 ,a shudder ran down his body1 in his innermost parts1 as he felt that something had died4 ,all that day he sat under the mango tree thinking of his father1 thinking of ,govinda1 thinking of ,gotama4 ,had he really had to leave these people and become a ,kamaswami8 ,he still sat there as night began to fall4 ,when looked up and saw the stars he thought1 8,here ,i am1 sitting under my own mango tree1 in my own pleasure garden40 ,a faint smile came to his face - was it necessary1 then1 was it proper1 was it not a foolish game to be the owner of a mango tree1 to be the owner of a garden8 ,he put an end to this too1 this too died within him4 ,he rose1 took his leave of the mango tree1 took his leave of the pleasure garden4 ,he had not eaten all day and so felt very hungry1 he thought of his house in the city1 of his chambers there and his bed1 he thought of the table laden with food4 ,with a weary smile he shook his head and took his leave of these things4 ,there and then1 at that hour of the night1 ,siddhartha left his garden1 left the city and never returned to them4 ,kamaswami had his servants search long for him1 he thought he had fallen into the hands of bandits4 ,kamala did not send anyone to search for him4 ,she was not surprised when she heard of ,siddhartha's disappearance4 ,was it not something she had always expected8 ,was he not a samana1 a pilgrim without a home8 ,and she had felt it most of all when she was last with him1 and deep within her pain at losing him she was glad1 glad that she had drawn him so deep into her heart that last time she saw him1 glad that she had once more felt so entirely possessed and pervaded by him4 ,when she first received the news of ,siddhartha's disappearance she crossed to the window1 where she kept a rare songbird captive in a golden cage4 ,she opened the door of the cage1 took the bird out and let him fly away4 ,she looked long after him as he flew4 ,from that day on she received no more visitors and kept her house closed4 ,but some while later she became aware that her last meeting with ,siddhartha had left her pregnant4 ,,beside ,,the ,,river ,siddhartha wandered through the woods1 already far from the city1 and he knew just one thing1 that he could never go back1 that this life that he had lived through many years was ended and gone1 he had tasted its joys1 sucked out its pleasures1 till it disgusted him4 ,the songbird he had dreamt of was dead4 ,the songbird in his heart was dead4 ,he had been entangled deep in sansara1 he had drawn death and disgust into himself from every side1 like a sponge sucking in water till it is saturated4 ,he was full of weariness1 full of misery1 full of death1 there was nothing more in the world that could appeal to him1 could give him pleasure1 could give him reassurance4 ,he yearned to know nothing more about himself1 to have peace1 to be dead4 ,if only a thunderbolt would come and strike him down6 ,if only a tiger would come and eat him6 ,if only he had wine1 poison1 that would numb his senses1 oblivion and sleep1 never more to wake6 ,was there any kind of filth left with which he had not already besmirched himself1 was there any kind of sin or folly that he had not committed1 anything he had not done that for his soul was entirely fruitless8 ,was it even possible still to live8 ,was it possible to draw in breath1 let out breath over and over again1 to feel hunger1 once more to eat1 once more to sleep1 once more to lay with a woman8 ,was this circle not1 for him1 exhausted and closed off8 ,siddhartha arrived at the great river that flowed through the wood1 the same river that the ferryman had taken him across when he was a young man and had just departed from ,gotama's community4 ,on the bank of this river he stopped and he stood there1 uncertain what to do4 ,he was weak from tiredness and hunger1 and why should he go on1 where to1 what for8 ,no1 he had no objectives any more1 there was nothing but the deep and sorrowful yearning to shake all this barren dream from himself1 to pour away this stale wine1 to put an end to this pitiful and shameful life4 ,there was a tree that hung over the river bank1 a coconut tree4 ,siddhartha leant his shoulder against it1 put his arms around the trunk and looked down into the green water as it continued to flow beneath him4 ,he looked down into it and found himself possessed with the wish to let go of the tree and to perish in the water4 ,a grisly emptiness was reflected back at him from the water1 a reflection that showed the awful emptiness of his soul4 ,yes1 he had come to the end4 ,there was nothing more for him than to extinguish himself1 than to strike down the picture of deformity that was his life1 to throw it down at the feet of the gods who laugh at him in contempt4 ,this was the great breakthrough that he had longed for3 death1 the destruction of the form he hated6 ,the fish could come and eat him1 ,siddhartha the dog1 the deluded1 the decayed and putrid body and the flaccid and abused soul6 ,the fish and the crocodiles could come and eat him1 the demons could dismember him6 ,his face distorted into a scowl he stared into the water1 saw his distorted face mirrored back at him1 and he spat at it4 ,deep in tiredness he loosened his arm from the tree trunk and twisted round slightly so that he would fall vertically and finally go under4 ,with eyes closed he sank down to meet his death4 ,from some distant place his soul began to twitch1 from some time past in his tired life came a sound4 ,it was one word1 one syllable which he uttered to himself without a thought and with voice that mumbled1 the ancient word that formed the beginning and the end of any brahmanist prayer1 the holy word 8,,om01 meaning 8perfection0 or 8completion40 ,and at the moment when the sound of 8,om0 touched ,siddhartha's ear his dormant spirit suddenly awoke and saw the folly of what he was doing4 ,siddhartha was deeply shocked4 ,so this was the state he had come to1 this was how lost he was1 how confused4 ,he was so forsaken by any kind of wisdom that he was able to seek death1 that this whim1 this childish whim1 could have grown within him3 to find peace by extinguishing his body6 ,all that he had recently suffered1 all the disillusionment1 all the doubts1 none of these things had the effect on him that ,om had at that moment as it entered his consciousness3 and he became able to see his misery and his folly4 ,om6 he said to himself3 ,om6 ,and he knew of ,brahman1 knew that life could not be destroyed1 knew once more everything about the divine that he had forgotten4 ,all this1 however1 lasted for just one moment1 just a flash4 ,siddhartha sank down at the foot of the coconut tree1 lay down exhausted1 and muttering ,om he laid his head on the root of the tree and sank into a deep sleep4 ,deep was his sleep and free of dreams1 he had not known sleep like this for a long time4 ,many hours later when he woke it seemed to him that ten years had gone by1 he heard the gentle flow of the water1 did not know where he was or who had brought him there1 abruptly he opened his eyes and was amazed to see trees and the sky above him1 and then he remembered where he was and how he had arrived there4 ,this process took a long time1 though1 and the past seemed to him to have had a veil thrown over it1 it was infinitely far1 it lay at infinite distance1 infinitely meaningless4 ,he knew only that his previous life 7at first as he came back to his senses1 this previous life seemed like something lying long in the past1 an earlier incarnation1 an early birth of his present self71 that his previous life was something he had left behind1 that1 full of disgust and misery1 he had even wanted to throw his life away1 that instead he had regained consciousness at the side of a river under a coconut tree with the holy word ,om on his lips1 that he had then slept and now had woken and he looked at the world as a new person4 ,quietly1 he spoke the word ,om to himself1 as he had done while he was falling asleep1 and it seemed that all the time that he had been asleep had been nothing but a long immersion into saying ,om1 into thinking ,om1 a submersion and envelopment in ,om1 in the nameless1 in the perfect4 ,it had been such a wonderful sleep6 ,sleeping had never before left him so refreshed1 so renewed1 so rejuvenated6 ,could it be that he really had died1 had gone under and now been reborn in a new form8 ,no1 he knew himself1 he knew his hand and his feet1 knew the play where he lay1 knew this self in his breast1 this ,siddhartha1 the headstrong1 the odd1 this ,siddhartha however was transformed1 renewed1 he had slept remarkably well and now he was remarkably alert1 joyful and inquisitive4 ,siddhartha sat up straight and saw a man facing him1 a strange man1 a monk in yellow robes with shaven head and in a position of meditation4 ,he looked at the man1 who had hair neither on his head nor his face1 and he had not looked at him for long before he saw that this monk was ,govinda1 his childhood friend1 ,govinda who had taken refuge with the noble ,buddha4 ,govinda had changed1 just as he had1 but he still bore the old features in his face that spoke of zeal1 of loyalty1 of searching1 of fastidiousness4 ,govinda felt now that ,siddhartha was watching him1 opened his eyes and returned his gaze4 ,siddhartha saw that ,govinda did not recognise him4 ,govinda was glad to see that he had woken1 he had clearly long been sitting here waiting for him to wake even though he did not know him4 8,i have been sleeping10 said ,siddhartha4 8,what has brought you here80 8,you have been sleeping10 ,govinda answered4 8,it is not good to sleep in places such as this where there are many snakes and where the beasts of the forest follow their paths4 ,i1 sir1 am a follower of the noble ,gotama1 of the buddha1 of the ,sakyamuni1 and when ,i and a number of members of our movement were travelling along this path in pilgrimage ,i saw you lying there asleep in a place where to sleep is dangerous4 ,i therefore tried to wake you1 sir1 and as ,i saw that your sleep was very deep ,i remained behind my colleagues and sat beside you4 ,and then1 it seems1 ,i fell asleep myself despite my wish to watch over you as you slept4 ,i performed my task badly1 tiredness overcame me4 ,but now1 now that you are awake1 please allow me to leave you and catch up with my brothers40 8,thank you for watching over my sleep1 samana10 said ,siddhartha4 8,you followers of the noble one are helpful4 ,you are free to go40 8,i will go1 sir4 ,may you always fare well40 8,thank you1 samana40 ,govinda made the gesture of greeting and said1 8,farewell40 8,farewell1 ,govinda10 said ,siddhartha4 ,the monk remained where he was4 8,sir1 may ,i ask how you know my name80 ,siddhartha smiled4 8,i know you1 ,govinda1 ,i know you from your father's hut and from the brahmins' school1 ,i know you from the sacrifices we performed and from our journey to join the samanas1 ,i know you from that time when1 in the grove of ,jetavana1 you took refuge with the noble one40 8,you are ,siddhartha60 exclaimed ,govinda out loud4 8,now ,i recognise you1 and ,i cannot understand why ,i did not recognise immediately4 ,welcome1 ,siddhartha1 it is a great joy for me to see you again40 8,and it is a great joy for me too to see you4 ,it was you who watched over me as ,i slept1 and ,i thank you again for it1 although ,i had no need of anyone to do so4 ,where are you going1 my friend80 8,i am not going anywhere4 ,we monks are always travelling1 except in the rainy season1 we always move from place to place1 we live according to our rules1 we spread out teachings1 accept alms and then we move on4 ,it is always so4 ,but you1 ,siddhartha1 where are you going80 ,siddhartha said1 8,it is the same with me as with you1 my friend4 ,i am not going anywhere4 ,i am simply travelling4 ,i am on a pilgrimage40 ,govinda said1 8,you say you are on a pilgrimage1 and ,i believe you4 ,but1 ,siddhartha forgive me1 you do not look like a pilgrim4 ,you wear the clothes of a rich man1 you wear the shoes of a man of elegance1 your hair smells of scented water and it is not the hair of a pilgrim1 not the hair of a samana40 8,yes1 my friend1 well observed1 your sharp eye sees everything4 ,but ,i did not tell you ,i am a samana4 ,i said ,i am on a pilgrimage1 and that is what ,i am1 on a pilgrimage40 8,you are on a pilgrimage10 said ,govinda4 8,i have been going on pilgrimage for many years1 but ,i have never come across a pilgrim like this4 ,there are not many who go on pilgrimage in clothes like this1 or in shoes like this or with hair like this40 8,i believe you1 my friend4 ,but now1 today1 you have just a pilgrim like this1 in shoes like this1 with clothes like this4 ,remember this1 my friend3 ,the world of forms is transitory1 our clothes are highly transitory1 just like the way we have our hair and the hair itself and our bodies themselves4 ,i am wearing the clothes of a rich man1 you are quite right about what you have seen4 ,i am wearing them because ,i was a rich man1 and my hair is like the hair of a libertine or men of the world1 because ,i was a libertine and a man of the world40 8,and now1 ,siddhartha1 what are you now80 8,i do not know1 ,i do not know it any more than you do4 ,i am on a journey4 ,i was a rich man and now ,i am not2 and nor do ,i know what ,i will be tomorrow40 8,did you lose all your riches80 8,i lost them1 or they lost me4 ,i no longer have them4 ,the wheel of forms spins fast1 ,govinda4 ,where is ,siddhartha the brahmin8 ,where is ,siddhartha the samana4 ,where is the wealth of ,siddhartha8 ,things that are transitory change fast1 ,govinda1 you know that40 ,govinda stared long at his childhood friend1 his eyes full of doubt4 ,then1 using words that were very polite1 he said goodbye and went on his way4 ,with a smile on his face1 ,siddhartha watched him as he went1 he loved him still1 faithful ,govinda1 conscientious ,govinda4 ,and how1 at that moment1 at that magnificent time after such a wonderful sleep permeated with ,om1 how could he not have loved someone and something8 ,this was the very magic that had taken place in him by the power of ,om while he was sleeping1 he loved everything1 he was filled with joyful love for everything he saw4 ,it was also the reason1 it seemed to him now1 why he had earlier been very ill and unable to love anything or anyone4 ,with a smile on his face1 ,siddhartha watched the monk as he went4 ,he felt much stronger after his sleep1 but he was nonetheless painfully hungry as he had not eaten for two days and the time was long past when he had been hardened against hunger4 ,with some sorrow1 but also with laughter1 he thought about that time4 ,in those days1 he remembered1 he had boasted of three things to ,kamala1 three noble and invincible arts that he had mastered3 fasting1 waiting1 thinking4 ,these were his possessions1 his power and his skill1 his firm and trusty staff1 these three arts were what he had learned in the hard-working and arduous years of his youth1 these and no others4 ,and now he had abandoned them1 not one of them was in his possession any longer1 not fasting1 not waiting1 not thinking4 ,he had thrown them away for the most miserable of desires1 for the most short-lived1 for sensual pleasure1 for affluence1 for riches6 ,they had rarely done him any good4 ,and now1 it seemed1 he really had become one of the childlike people4 ,siddhartha thought about his position4 ,thinking came hard to him1 there was nothing in him that wanted to do it1 but he forced himself4 ,now1 he thought1 as all these transitory things have slipped away from me1 now ,i stand here under the sun again as ,i did before when ,i was a small child1 there is nothing that belongs to me1 there is nothing ,i can do1 nothing ,i am capable of doing1 there is nothing ,i have learnt4 ,this is wonderful6 ,now1 when ,i am no longer young1 when my hair is already half-grey1 when my strength is beginning to fade1 now is the time for me to start again from the beginning and be a child again6 ,his fortunes had indeed been odd6 ,he had been on a downward path and now he stood in the world once again penniless and naked and stupid4 ,but he was unable to feel any concern about this1 no1 he even felt a strong urge to laugh1 to laugh at himself1 to laugh at this bizarre1 ridiculous world4 8,you're on a downward path60 he said to himself1 and laughed about it1 and as he spoke his glance fell on the river1 and he saw that the river was on a downward path too1 always migrating downwards and1 as it did so1 it sang and was gay4 ,he found that very pleasing1 and he gave the river a friendly smile4 ,was this not the river in which he had wanted to drown himself1 some time in the past1 a hundred years ago1 or had he dreamt it8 ,my life truly has been wonderful1 he thought1 wonderful are the varied courses it has taken4 ,as a boy ,i had nothing to do with anything but the gods and making sacrifices to them4 ,as an adolescent ,i had nothing to do with anything but asceticism1 with thinking and meditation1 ,i sought to find ,brahman1 venerated the eternal in ,atman4 ,as a young man1 though1 ,i followed the path of penitence1 lived in the forest1 suffered heat and frost1 learnt to hunger1 taught my body to die away4 ,it was wonderful when1 at that time1 knowledge came to me through the teachings of the great buddha1 ,i felt knowledge of the unity of the world1 felt it flow within me like my own blood4 ,but ,i had to go on my way even from the buddha and that great knowledge4 ,i went on and learnt the joy of love from ,kamala1 learned business skills from ,kamaswami1 accumulated money1 wasted money1 learned to love my stomach1 learned to flatter my senses4 ,it took me many years to lose my spirit1 to lose the ability to think1 to forget unity4 ,is it not so1 that ,i went slowly and by circuitous routes from being a man to being a child1 from a thinking being to a childlike being8 ,this was a very good way1 though1 and the bird within my breast did not die4 ,but what a way it was6 ,there was so much stupidity1 so much vice1 so much folly1 so much disgust and disappointment and misery that ,i had to go through before simply becoming a child again and to be able to start anew4 ,but it was the right way1 my heart tells me yes1 my eyes laugh about it4 ,i had to experience doubt1 ,i had to sink down to that most foolish of thoughts1 the thought of suicide1 before ,i could experience mercy1 before ,i could hear ,om again1 before ,i could sleep properly again and before ,i could wake properly again4 ,i had to become a fool before ,i could find ,atman within myself again4 ,i had to commit sin before ,i could live again4 ,where will my path lead me from here8 ,this is a foolish path1 it goes round in loops1 perhaps it goes round in circles4 ,whichever way it chooses to go1 ,i will follow it4 ,in his breast he felt a surge of wonderful joy4 ,where from then1 he asked his heart1 where from do you have this gaiety8 ,could it be that it comes from that long and wholesome sleep that did me so much good8 ,or from the word ,om that ,i spoke8 ,or could it be because ,i have escaped1 that my flight is completed1 that ,i am at last free again and stand once more under the sky as a child8 ,i have escaped1 ,i have become free1 and it is so good6 ,how pure and lovely the air is here1 how good to breathe it6 ,there1 the place whence ,i escaped1 everything smelt of ointment1 of spices1 of wine1 of excess1 of lethargy4 ,how ,i hated this world of the rich1 of the world of luxury1 the world of gamblers6 ,how ,i hated myself for staying so long in this dreadful world6 ,how ,i hated myself1 robbed myself1 poisoned and tortured myself1 how ,i made myself old and bad tempered6 ,no1 ,i will never again delude myself1 as ,i so much used to like doing1 never again think that ,siddhartha is a wise man6 ,but this is something it was right to do1 this is something that pleases me1 this is something for which ,i should praise myself1 that ,i have put an end to this self-hatred1 to this life of folly and barrenness6 ,i praise you1 ,siddhartha1 after so many years of folly you have once again had an idea1 you have done something1 you have heard the bird singing in your breast and you have followed him6 ,thus he praised himself1 had pleasure in himself1 listened with curiosity to his stomach1 which was rumbling with hunger4 ,in the last few days1 he felt1 he had tasted pain1 he had tasted sorrow1 he had tasted them completely and thoroughly1 he had eaten them totally to the point of doubt and of death and then he had spat them out4 ,it was good1 so4 ,he could have remained much longer with ,kamaswami1 making money1 wasting money1 filling his belly and letting his soul go thirsty1 he could have lived much longer in this soft1 well-cushioned ,hell if this had not happened3 that moment of perfect doubt and despair1 that moment when he was at such an extreme that he hung over the flowing water and was ready to destroy himself4 ,he had felt doubts and the deepest disgust but had not succumbed to them1 the bird within him that was his voice and his source of gaiety was still living1 and this filled him with joy1 this brought him to laughter1 this made his face1 under his grey hair1 beam4 8,it is good10 he thought1 8to experience everything you need to know yourself4 ,i learned as a child that wealth and worldly pleasures are not good4 ,it is something that ,i have long known but only now experienced4 ,and now ,i know it1 ,i know it not only in my thoughts but with my eyes1 with my heart1 with my stomach4 ,it is good for me that ,i know it60 ,he thought long about his transformation1 he listened to the bird as it sang for joy4 ,had this bird within him not died1 had he not felt its death8 ,no1 it was something else within him that had died1 something that had long been yearning for death4 ,was it not this that in his earlier years of fervent penitence he had wanted to kill off8 ,was it not his ,self1 his petty1 anxious and proud ,self1 that he had struggled against for so many years that found victory over him again and again1 that reappeared each time he killed it off1 each time he forbade himself pleasure1 each time he was afraid8 ,was it not this that today had finally found its death1 here in the woods by this lovely river8 ,was it not because of this death that he was now like a child1 so full of trust1 so without fear1 so full of joy8 ,siddhartha now also began to understand why his efforts against this ,self were in vain when he was a brahmin1 when he was a penitent4 ,he had been hindered by too much knowledge1 too much of the holy verses1 too many rules of sacrifice1 too much castigation1 too much doing and too much striving6 ,he had been full of pride1 he had been always the cleverest1 always the keenest1 always one step ahead of the others1 always the one who knew1 the one who was spiritual1 always the priest or the wise man4 ,his ,self had crept into this priesthood1 into this pride1 into this spirituality1 it sat firmly there and grew while ,siddhartha thought he was destroying it with fasting and penitence4 ,now he could see it1 and he saw that the secret voice had been right1 that no teacher could ever have removed this ,self4 ,that is why he had had to go out into the world1 to lose himself in fun and power and women and money1 had had to be a businessman1 a gambler1 a drinker and to be greedy1 till the priest and the samana within him were dead4 ,that is why he had had to continue to endure these years of loathsomeness1 to bear the disgust1 the emptiness1 the meaninglessness1 of a life that was lost and barren1 right till the end1 till the bitter doubt1 till ,siddhartha the sybarite1 ,siddhartha the greedy1 was even ready to die4 ,he did die1 a new ,siddhartha awoke from that sleep4 ,even he would grow old1 even he would have to die one day1 ,siddhartha was impermanent1 every form was impermanent4 ,but today he was young1 he was a child1 and the new ,siddhartha was full of joy4 ,these were his thoughts1 he listened with a smile to his stomach1 listened with gratitude to a buzzing bee4 ,he looked happily into the river as it flowed1 water had never been to pleasing to him as this water1 he had never been so strongly aware of the beauty of water1 of its voice1 of what it represents4 ,the river seemed to have something special to say to him1 something he still did not know1 something still waiting for him4 ,this was the river where ,siddhartha had wanted to drown himself1 this was the river where the old1 tired1 doubting ,siddhartha today had drowned4 ,but the new ,siddhartha felt profound love for this rushing water and he promised himself never again to be so rash in leaving it4 ,,the ,,ferryman ,i would like to remain by this river1 thought ,siddhartha1 it is the same river that ,i once crossed on my way to the childlike people1 that time ,i was taken across by a friendly ferryman1 ,i would like to go to him4 ,it was from his hut that my way once led out into a new life1 a life which now has become old and dead - ,i hope the way ,i am now on1 the new life that ,i have begun1 take its starting point from there6 ,he looked tenderly into the flowing water1 into that transparent green1 into the crystal lines of its drawing that was so full of secrets4 ,he saw pearls of light rising from its depths1 peaceful bubbles of air floating on its surface1 the blue of the sky reflected there4 ,with its thousand eyes the river looked back at him1 eyes of green1 eyes of white1 eyes of crystal1 eyes of ,heavenly blue4 ,how he loved this water1 how it delighted him1 how he was grateful to it6 ,in his heart he heard the newly-woken voice speak1 and it said to him1 8,love this water6 ,stay beside it6 ,learn from it60 ,oh yes1 he did want to learn from it1 he did want to listen to it4 ,whoever understood this water and its secrets1 it seemed to him1 would also have understanding of many other things1 many secrets1 all secrets4 ,of the river's secrets1 however1 he saw today just one1 and it was understood by his soul4 ,he saw3 this water flowed and flowed1 it never ceased to flow but was nonetheless always there1 it was always and for all time the same1 yet each glance at it showed something new6 ,whoever could grasp this would understand it6 ,he understood but could not grasp it1 he felt no more than the rising of some vague notion1 a distant memory1 voices of gods4 ,siddhartha stood up1 for the power of hunger in his body was becoming unbearable4 ,he walked on not caring whither he went1 he followed the path along the river bank as it led him upstream1 he listened to its flow1 listened to growling hunger in his body4 ,when he reached the place where the ferry made its crossings he found the boat lying ready and standing in it was the same ferryman who had once taken the young samana across4 ,siddhartha recognised him1 though he too was greatly altered4 8,would you like to take me across80 he asked4 ,the ferryman1 astonished to see such an elegant man travelling alone and on foot1 accepted him into the boat and pushed off from the bank4 8,you have chosen a nice life for yourself10 said the passenger4 8,it must be nice to have a life beside this water every day and to travel on it40 8,it is very nice1 sir10 said the oarsman1 smiling as he rowed1 8just as you say4 ,but is not every life nice1 is not every job a good job80 8,you could well be right4 ,but ,i still envy you your job40 8,oh1 you would soon become tired of it4 ,it is not a job for a gentleman in fine clothes40 ,siddhartha laughed4 8,this is not the first time today that ,i have been judged by the clothes ,i wear1 judged and mistrusted4 ,ferryman1 would you not like to take these clothes from me8 ,they have become burdensome to me4 ,and ,i think you already know ,i have no money to pay your fare40 8,the gentleman is joking with me10 the ferryman laughed4 8,i am not joking1 my friend4 ,listen1 you have once before carried me across the water in your boat and you did it for the love of ,god4 ,do the same today1 and accept my clothes in return40 8,does the gentleman mean to continue his journey without clothes80 8,oh1 most of all ,i would like not to continue my journey at all4 ,most of all1 ferryman1 ,i would like you to give me an old loincloth and take me on as your assistant1 or rather as your apprentice1 for ,i would need first to learn how to handle the boat40 ,the ferryman stared long and quizzically at the stranger4 8,now ,i recognise you10 he said at last4 8,you slept in my hut once1 that was long ago1 it must be more than twenty years1 you were taken over the river by me and we took leave of each other as good friends4 ,were you not a samana8 ,i can't think what your name is any more40 8,my name is ,siddhartha1 and ,i was a samana the last time you saw me40 8,welcome1 ,siddhartha4 ,my name is ,vasudeva4 ,i hope you will again be my guest today and sleep in my hut and tell me all about where you have come from and why your fine clothes are such a burden to you40 ,they had reached the middle of the river and ,vasudeva pulled harder on the oars in order to overcome the current4 ,he worked quietly with his powerful arms and with his eye on the bow4 ,siddhartha sat and watched him and remembered how1 once before1 in the last days of his time as a samana1 love for this man had arisen in his heart4 ,he accepted ,vasudeva's invitation with gratitude4 ,when they reached the bank ,siddhartha helped him to tether the boat and the ferryman invited him into the hut where he offered him bread and water1 and ,siddhartha ate hungrily1 and he ate hungrily of the mangoes that ,vasudeva offered him4 ,the sun had begun to set1 and they went to sit on a tree trunk at the side of the river where ,siddhartha told the ferryman about where he was from and what his life had been1 about how he had seen it before his eyes that day in his moment of doubt4 ,his story continued late into the night4 ,vasudeva listened with great attention4 ,he took in all that he heard1 his origin and childhood1 all that learning1 all that seeking1 all that joy1 all that suffering4 ,this was one of the ferryman's greatest virtues3 few knew how to listen as well as he4 ,vasudeva would not say a word1 but the speaker would sense how he allowed the words to enter into him1 quiet1 open1 patient1 never losing a word1 never waiting impatiently for a word1 never offering praise nor censure1 simply listening4 ,siddhartha was aware of what good fortune it was to have the company of a listener such as this1 one into whose heart he could sink his own life1 his own searchings1 his own sorrows4 ,as ,siddhartha neared the end of his story1 though1 as he spoke of the tree at the riverside and of the depth of his fall1 of the holy ,om and of how he felt such love for the river when he woke from his sleep1 then the ferryman listened with twice as much attention1 totally devoted to it with his eyes shut4 ,but when ,siddhartha became silent and there was a long period of stillness1 ,vasudeva said1 8,it is just as ,i thought4 ,the river spoke to you4 ,he is the friend of you also1 he speaks to you also4 ,that is good1 that is very good4 ,stay with me1 ,siddhartha my friend4 ,i had a wife once1 her place was next to mine1 but it is long since she died1 ,i have lived long alone4 ,now you live with me1 there is room here and there is food here for both of us40 8,i thank you10 said ,siddhartha1 8,i thank you and ,i accept4 ,and ,i also thank you1 ,vasudeva1 for being such a good listener6 ,there are few people who know how to listen4 ,and ,i have never come across anyone who could do it as well as you4 ,this is something else that ,i shall be learning from you40 8,you will learn10 said ,vasudeva1 8but not from me4 ,it is the river that taught me how to listen1 and he will teach you too4 ,he knows everything1 the river1 there is nothing you cannot learn from him4 ,look1 this is something else that you have already learned from the river1 that it is good to strive to go down1 to sink1 to seek out the depths4 ,the rich and courtly ,siddhartha will become an apprentice oarsman1 the learned brahmin ,siddhartha will become a ferryman3 this is something else that the river has told you4 ,and there is more that you will learn from him40 ,there was a long pause1 and ,siddhartha said1 8,what more1 ,vasudeva80 ,vasudeva stood up4 8,it is getting late10 he said1 8let us go to bed4 ,i cannot tell you what more1 my friend4 ,you will learn1 perhaps you even know it already4 ,i am not a learned man1 you see1 ,i do not know how to give speeches1 ,i do not know how to think4 ,all ,i know how to do is listening and saying my prayers1 there is nothing else ,i have learned how to do4 ,if ,i could explain it to you and give lessons then that might mean ,i am a wise man1 but as it is ,i am just a ferryman and it is my job to take people across this river4 ,it could have been thousands that ,i have taken across and all that my river has ever been to them is something that has gotten in the way on their journey4 ,they have been travelling for the sake of money or business1 going to weddings1 going on a pilgrimage1 and the river was in their way and the ferryman was there so that they could get past that thing in their way as soon as possible4 ,some of those thousands though1 some of them1 though not many1 four or five of them1 for some of them the river stopped being just something in their way1 they heard his voice1 they listened to him1 and the river became something holy for them1 just like he has for me4 ,now let us go and take our rest1 ,siddhartha40 ,siddhartha remained with the ferryman and learned how to operate the boat1 and when there was no ferry work to do he would work with ,vasudeva in the rice field1 gathering wood1 picking the fruits of the plantain trees4 ,he learned how to make an oar and how to repair the boat1 he learned how to weave a basket and he was happy at all that he had learned and the days and the months passed quickly4 ,the river1 though1 taught him more than ,vasudeva was able to4 ,he learned from it without cease4 ,most of all he learned from the river how to listen1 to pay attention with a quiet heart1 with a patient and open soul1 without passion1 without desire1 without judgement1 without opinion4 ,he lived in friendly proximity with ,vasudeva1 and they would now and then exchange a few words1 a few words which had long been considered4 ,vasudeva was not a friend of words1 it was rare for ,siddhartha to move him to speak4 8,have you10 he once asked him1 8have you also learned from the river the secret that there is no time80 ,a bright smile spread over ,vasudeva's face4 8,yes1 ,siddhartha10 he said4 8,is this what you are saying3 that the river is the same along his whole length1 at his source and at his estuary1 at the waterfall1 at the ferry crossing1 at the rapids1 at the sea1 in the mountains1 everywhere the same1 and that for him there is only the present1 no shadow of the future80 8,yes1 that is right10 said ,siddhartha4 8,and when ,i had learned this ,i looked at my life and saw that it too was a river1 and separating the boy ,siddhartha from the man ,siddhartha1 and the man ,siddhartha from the old man ,siddhartha1 there was merely a shadow1 nothing real4 ,and ,siddhartha's previous births too were not in the past1 and his death and his return to ,brahma were not in the future4 ,nothing has been and nothing will be2 everything is1 everything has its essence and its presence40 ,siddhartha spoke with delight1 this elucidation had made him deeply happy4 ,for was not1 then1 all suffering time1 was not all self-torture and self-fear time1 was not all difficulty1 all hostility in the world expunged and overcome as soon a time has been overcome1 as soon as time could be removed from our thoughts8 ,he spoke with gleeful passion1 but ,vasudeva simple gave him a bright smile and nodded agreement1 he nodded in silence1 touched ,siddhartha's shoulder and went back to his work4 ,another time in the rainy season1 and the swollen river made a mighty roar1 ,siddhartha said1 8,would you say1 my friend1 that the river has many voices1 very many voices8 ,does he not have the voice of a king1 and of a warrior1 and of a bull1 and of a bird at night1 and of a mother giving birth1 and of a man who sighs and a thousand other voices80 8,you are right10 ,vasudeva nodded1 8all the voices in creation are in his voice40 8,and do you know10 ,siddhartha1 8what word he says when you succeed in hearing all ten thousand voices at once80 ,happy laughter appeared on ,vasudeva's face1 he leant towards ,siddhartha and into his ear he spoke the holy word ,om4 ,and this indeed was what ,siddhartha also had heard4 ,and little by little his smile became like the ferryman's1 became nearly as beaming1 nearly as permeated with happiness1 just as radiant from a thousand tiny wrinkles1 just as child-like1 just as mature4 ,many travellers who saw the two ferrymen thought they must be brothers4 ,in the evenings they would often sit together on the tree trunk at the riverside1 they would say nothing but both would listen to the water which1 for them1 was not water but the voice of life1 the voice of existence1 of eternal becoming4 ,sometimes1 as the two of them listened to the river together1 they would both think of the same things1 of a discussion that had taken place two days earlier1 of one of the travellers whose face and whose destiny occupied them1 of death1 of their childhood4 ,sometimes1 when the river had said something good to them1 they would each look at the other at the same moment1 both thinking the same thing1 both feeling the same joy at hearing the same answer to the same question4 ,many of the travellers felt there was something given out from the ferry and the two ferrymen4 ,sometimes a traveller would look into the face of one of the ferrymen and begin to tell his life story1 would tell of his sorrows1 acknowledge where he had done wrong1 ask for solace and advice4 ,sometimes one of them would ask permission to spend the evening with them to listen to the river4 ,sometimes someone would come to them because he was curious1 someone who had heard about these two wise men or magicians or holy men who lived beside this ferry4 ,they would ask many questions but received no answers1 and they found neither magicians nor wise men1 all they found were two elderly and friendly little men who seemed unable to speak and1 in some special way1 demented4 ,they would laugh1 and tell their friends about how foolish and credulous those people were who spread such empty rumours4 ,the years went by and nobody counted them4 ,one time there came monks on a pilgrimage1 disciples of ,gotama1 the buddha1 and they asked the ferrymen to take them across the river1 and the ferrymen learned that they were hurrying back to their great teacher because word was spreading that the noble one was mortally ill and must soon suffer his last death as a human before going to his release4 ,not long after came a new flux of monks on pilgrimage1 and then another1 and not only the monks but most of the other travellers and wanderers spoke of nothing but ,gotama and his impending death4 ,there was a flow of people here from all parts as if they had been an army on campaign or were going to attend the coronation of a king1 they collected like ants1 they flowed as if drawn by some kind of magic on their way to where the great buddha lay awaiting death1 to the place where that awful event would take place and the great perfect one of an era would rise to majesty4 ,at this time ,siddhartha thought a great deal about the wise man as he was dying1 about the great teacher whose voice had admonished and who had brought hundreds of thousands to an awakening1 whose voice he too had learned from and whose holy face he too had once looked on with veneration4 ,he thought of him with kindness1 saw his way to perfection before his eyes and1 with a smile1 thought of the words which he once1 as a young man1 had put to him1 the noble one4 ,those words now seemed proud and arrogant to him1 and he remembered them with a smile4 ,he had long known that there was nothing that made him different from ,gotama1 though he was not able to accept his teachings4 ,no1 a true seeker would never be able to accept any teachings1 not if he truly wanted to find what he sought4 ,but he who has found what he sought would find goodness in any teachings at all1 any path1 any objective1 he would be in no way different from the thousands of others who lived in eternity1 who breathed in the breath of the divine4 ,one of those days1 when there were so many making pilgrimage to the dying buddha1 ,kamala1 who had once been the most beautiful of the courtesans1 also made pilgrimage to him4 ,she had long since withdrawn from her earlier way of life1 had given her garden to ,gotama's monks1 had sought refuge in his teachings1 was one of the friends and benefactors of pilgrims4 ,together with her son1 ,siddhartha1 she had heard news of ,gotama's impending death and set out1 on foot and in simple clothes1 on her way to him4 ,she was on her way with her little son along the river3 but the lad soon became tired1 he wanted to go back home1 he wanted to rest1 he wanted something to eat1 he became difficult and whining4 ,kamala was frequently obliged to rest with him1 he was used to imposing his will on her1 she had to feed him1 had to comfort him1 had to discipline him4 ,the boy was unable to understand why he had to go on this sad and arduous pilgrimage with his mother1 to go to a place he did not know about1 to go to a strange man who was something holy and who lay dying4 ,so let him die6 ,why should it matter to him8 ,the pilgrims were not far from ,vasudeva's ferry when young ,siddhartha once more insisted he and his mother should stop and rest4 ,kamala1 too1 was tired and while the lad munched on a banana she sank to the ground and1 with eyes half closed1 rested4 ,suddenly though1 she gave out a piercing scream1 the boy looked at her in shock and saw her face pale with horror as out from her dress emerged a small black snake which had just bitten her4 ,the two of them now ran along the path to reach people as soon as they could and were near the ferry crossing when ,kamala collapsed1 unable to go any further4 ,but the lad raised a pitiful cry as he kissed and embraced his mother1 who added her own voice to the boy's loud calls for help4 ,the sound reached the ears of ,vasudeva as he stood by the ferry and he hurried to ,kamala and her son4 ,he took the woman by the arm and carried her into the boat1 the boy also ran in1 and they were all soon in the hut where ,siddhartha stood at the stove1 lighting the fire4 ,he looked up and saw1 first of all1 the face of the boy which reminded him1 in a way that was both wonderful and reproachful1 of something he had forgotten4 ,then he saw ,kamala4 ,he recognised her immediately even though she lay unconscious in the arms of the ferryman1 and now he realised that it was the face of his own son that had so reproached him1 and his heart moved within his breast4 ,kamala's wound was washed1 but was already black and her body was swollen1 a healing drink was poured into her4 ,consciousness returned to her as she lay on ,siddhartha's bed in the hut1 ,siddhartha leant over her1 he who had once had such earnest love for her4 ,she thought she was dreaming1 and1 with a smile1 looked into the face of her friend1 slowly began to realise where she was1 remembered the snake bite1 and called out anxiously for the boy4 8,he is with you4 ,you need not worry10 said ,siddhartha4 ,kamala looked into his eyes4 ,she spoke with a heavy tongue1 made clumsy by the venom4 8,you have grown old1 my love10 she said1 8you have gone grey4 ,but you are just like the young samana who once came to me in the garden with no clothes and with dusty feet4 ,you are much more like him than you were then for you have gone away from me and ,kamaswami4 ,in your eyes you are just like him1 ,siddhartha4 ,oh1 ,i too have grown old1 old - did you still recognise me80 ,siddhartha smiled4 8,i recognised you immediately1 ,kamala1 my love40 ,kamala pointed to her boy and said1 8,did you recognise him1 too8 ,he is your son40 ,her eyes became erratic and fell shut4 ,the boy wept1 ,siddhartha took him on his knee1 let him cry1 stroked his hair and1 as he looked at the child's face1 a brahmanic prayer that he had once learned came to his mind1 one that he had learned when he himself was a lad4 ,slowly1 with melodic voice1 he began to say it1 the words flowed into him from the past1 from his childhood4 ,affected by his sing-song the boy became quiet1 sobbed now and then1 and then fell asleep4 ,siddhartha put him down on ,vasudeva's bed4 ,vasudeva stood at the stove cooking rice4 ,siddhartha threw him a glance which he returned with a smile4 8,she's dying10 said ,siddhartha quietly4 ,vasudeva nodded1 the light of the fire in the stove ran over his friendly face4 ,kamala became conscious once again4 ,her face was twisted with pain1 ,siddhartha's eye could read the pain on her mouth1 on her pale cheeks4 ,he read it in silence1 watching1 waiting1 immersed in her suffering4 ,kamala felt it1 her eyes sought his4 ,looking at him1 she said1 8,i can see1 now1 that your eyes have changed4 ,they have become quite different4 ,how is it that ,i can still see that you are ,siddhartha8 ,you are ,siddhartha1 yet you are not40 ,siddhartha said nothing1 his eyes looked into hers in silence4 8,have you achieved it80 she asked4 8,have you found peace80 ,he smiled1 and laid his hand on hers4 8,i can see it10 she said1 8,i can see it4 ,i will find peace too40 8,you have found peace10 said ,siddhartha in a whisper4 ,kamala looked steadily into his eyes4 ,she thought of how she had intended to make pilgrimage to ,gotama in order to see the face of a perfect one1 in order to breathe in his peace1 and now instead of finding ,gotama she had found ,siddhartha1 and it was good so1 just as good as if she had seen ,gotama4 ,she wanted to tell him so1 but her tongue would no longer do as she wished4 ,she looked at him in silence1 and he saw in her eyes how her life was fading4 ,when her final pain filled her eyes1 when the final shudder ran through her limbs1 he put his finger to her eyelids and closed them4 ,he sat there long1 looking at her now lifeless face4 ,he looked long at her mouth1 her aged tired mouth with its lips1 that now had become thin1 and he remembered how once1 in the springtime of his years1 how he had once compared this mouth with a freshly opened fig4 ,he sat there long1 studied that pale face1 those tired creases1 filled himself with what he saw there1 saw his own face lying in the same way1 just as white1 just as extinguished1 simultaneously saw his own face and hers with its red lips1 its burning eyes1 and the sense of the present and of simultaneity permeated his being1 the sense of eternity4 ,he felt it deeply1 more deeply than he had ever felt it before1 now in that moment of the immortality of every life1 the eternity of every glance4 ,when he raised himself ,vasudeva had prepared rice for him4 ,but ,siddhartha did not eat4 ,in the stall where they kept their goat the two old men prepared a beds of straw for themselves1 and ,vasudeva lay down to sleep4 ,siddhartha1 though1 went outside and spent the night sitting in front of the hut1 listening to the river1 the past flowing over him1 all the ages of his life at the same time touching him and embracing him4 ,from time to time1 though1 he would raise himself1 go to the door of the hut and listen to find out whether the boy was sleeping4 ,early in the morning1 even before the sun had become visible1 ,vasudeva came out of the stall and went to his friend4 8,you have not slept10 he said4 8,no1 ,vasudeva4 ,i sat here listening to the river4 ,he told me much1 he filled me deeply with the healing thought1 the thought of unity40 8,you have gone through pain1 ,siddhartha1 but ,i can see that there is no sadness that has entered your heart40 8,no1 my friend1 what do ,i have to be sad about8 ,i used to be rich and happy1 and now ,i have become even richer and happier4 ,i have received the gift of a son40 8,your son is also welcome4 ,but now1 ,siddhartha1 let us go to work1 there is much to be done4 ,kamala died on the same bed as my wife did1 long ago4 ,let us make her pyre on the same hill where ,i made hers40 ,they built her pyre while the boy still slept4 ,,the ,,son ,at his mother's funeral the boy was shy and tearful1 ,siddhartha greeted him as his son and told him he was welcome in ,vasudeva's hut and he was shy and gloomy as he listened4 ,with pale face he sat all day on the hill of the dead1 refused to eat1 refused to look1 refused to open his heart1 struggled to defend himself against fate4 ,siddhartha had respect for his grief and did nothing to change his behaviour4 ,he understood that his son did not know him and could not love him as a father4 ,slowly1 he also saw and understood that the eleven year old was spoilt1 a mummy's boy1 as he grew he had become used to riches and fancy food1 to a soft bed and to giving orders to servants4 ,siddhartha understood that1 spoilt and grieving as the boy was1 he would not become content with poverty in a strange place either quickly or with good grace4 ,he did not force him1 he did many jobs for him1 always found the daintiest food for him4 ,he hoped he could slowly win him over by friendliness and patience4 ,he had counted himself rich and happy when the lad came to him4 ,but time flowed by and the boy continued to be alien and gloomy1 he showed a heart that was proud and truculent1 wanted to do no work1 showed no respect for his elders1 robbed ,vasudeva of the fruit on his trees1 and so ,siddhartha began to understand that it was not peace and happiness that the boy had brought with him but sorrow and worries4 ,but ,siddhartha loved him1 and he preferred the sorrow and worries of love over the happiness he had enjoyed without the boy4 ,since the young ,siddhartha had been in the hut the two old men had taken on separate tasks4 ,vasudeva had once more taken on the office of ferryman by himself and1 in order to be with his son1 it was ,siddhartha who did the work in the hut and the fields4 ,siddhartha waited long1 through many months1 for his son to understand him1 for him to accept his love1 for him perhaps to return it4 ,vasudeva waited long1 while he watched and waited and said nothing4 ,one day though1 when the lad had again made his father suffer with his disobedience and bad humour and had broken both rice dishes1 ,vasudeva took his friend aside when evening had come and spoke to him4 8,please forgive me10 he said1 8if ,i say something to you1 as ,i do so with a friendly heart4 ,i see that you are suffering1 ,i see that you are worrying4 ,your son1 my friend1 is causing you worries and he is causing me worries too40 8,he is used to a different life1 he is a young bird used to a different nest4 ,he did not run away from wealth and the city in weary disgust as you did1 he was made to leave all this behind him against his will4 ,i have asked the river1 my friend1 ,i have asked him many times4 ,but the river laughs at me1 he laughs at both of us and shakes his head at our folly4 ,water will be water1 boys will be boys1 your son is not in a place where he can flourish4 ,you too should ask the river1 you too should listen to what he says60 ,siddhartha looked anxiously at the friendly face which showed1 in the many wrinkles it bore1 that it was the home of constant cheerfulness4 8,do you think1 then1 that ,i would be able to separate myself from him80 he said gently1 with some shame4 8,allow me some time1 my friend6 ,look1 ,i am struggling for him1 ,i am trying to win his heart1 ,i am trying to gain it with love and with friendly patience4 ,and one day the river will speak also to him1 he also has a calling40 ,vasudeva's smile became warmer4 8,oh yes1 he also has a calling1 he also is part of the eternal life4 ,but do we know1 you and ,i1 what it is that he is called to1 what path1 what acts1 what sufferings8 ,his sufferings will not be light1 he has a heart that is proud and hard1 such as he must suffer greatly1 make many mistakes1 commit many injustices1 burden themselves with many sins4 ,tell me1 my friend2 are you not bringing your son up8 ,do you not compel him to do what he does not want to do8 ,do you not strike him8 ,do you not punish him80 8,no1 ,vasudeva1 ,i do not do any of those things40 8,i knew it4 ,you do not compel him1 you do not strike him1 you give him no orders1 because you know that softness is stronger than hardness1 water stronger than stone1 love stronger than violence4 ,that is very good1 and ,i praise you for it4 ,but are you not mistaken in thinking you should not compel him1 should not punish him8 ,do you not bind him in the bondage of your love8 ,do you not shame him every day1 making it more difficult for him with your goodness and patience8 ,do you not compel this arrogant and spoilt child to live in a hut with a pair of aged banana eaters for whom even rice is a luxury1 whose thoughts cannot ever be his thoughts1 whose heart is old and quiet and who are following a different path from his8 ,is all of this not a compulsion on him1 not a punishment80 ,siddhartha saw that ,vasudeva was right and looked down at the ground4 ,gently he asked him1 8,what is it you think ,i should do80 ,vasudeva said1 8,take him to the city1 take him to his mother's house1 the servants will still be there1 give him over to them4 ,and if there are no servants still there then take him to a teacher1 not for the sake of being taught but so that he can have the company of other boys1 and of girls1 take him into the world which is his world4 ,have you never thought of that80 8,you have seen into my heart10 said ,siddhartha sadly4 8,i have often thought of doing that4 ,but listen1 how should ,i put him into this world when he does not have a gentle heart as it is8 ,will he not become extravagant1 will he not lose himself in the pursuit of fun and of power1 will he not repeat all the errors of his father1 might he not become totally lost in sansara80 ,the ferryman's smile shone brightly2 he gently touched ,siddhartha's arm and said1 8,ask the river about it1 my friend6 ,listen to him laughing about it6 ,do you really think that you have gone through these follies of yours so that your son would not have to8 ,and can you protect your son from sansara8 ,how8 ,by teaching1 by prayer1 by admonishment8 ,dear friend1 have you entirely forgotten that story1 that story of the well educated brahmin's son1 ,siddhartha1 that you once told me once on this very spot8 ,who was it who held ,siddhartha the samana back from sansara1 from sin1 from greed1 from folly8 ,the piety of his father1 his teachings and his warnings1 his own wisdom and his own seekings1 were these things able to keep ,siddhartha safe8 ,what father1 what teacher has been able to protect him from living his own life1 from soiling himself with the dirt of life1 from taking guilt onto himself1 from taking the bitter drink himself1 from having to find his path for himself8 8,do you really think1 my friend1 that there is anyone who is spared this path8 ,do you think your young son might be spared sorrow and pain and disappointed because you love him and you want to save him from those things8 ,you could die for him ten times over1 but you still would not take even the tiniest part of his destiny onto yourself40 ,vasudeva had never spoken so many words before4 ,siddhartha gave him his friendly thanks1 then1 feeling anxious1 he went into the hut1 but was long unable to sleep4 ,vasudeva had said nothing to him that he had not already thought and known4 ,but it was knowledge that he could not implement1 his love for the lad was stronger than that knowledge1 his affection was stronger1 the fear of losing him was stronger4 ,had he ever before lost his heart for anything so completely1 had he ever loved anyone this much1 so blindly1 so passionately1 so hopelessly and yet so happily8 ,siddhartha was not able to follow his friend's advice1 his was not able to give his son up4 ,he allowed the boy to give him orders1 he allowed him to show him contempt4 ,he remained silent and waited1 every day he would begin the wordless struggle for friendliness1 the soundless war of patience4 ,vasudeva1 too1 remained silent and waited1 with friendship1 with understanding1 with forbearance4 ,both of them were masters of patience4 ,one time1 when the boy's face reminded him especially of ,kamala1 ,siddhartha suddenly remembered something that ,kamala1 long before had said to him when he was young2 she had once said to him1 8you are not capable of love10 and he had conceded that she was right4 ,he had been comparing himself with a star1 while comparing the childlike people with falling leaves1 but he had nonetheless felt an accusation in every word4 ,it was true that he had never been able to entirely lose himself in another person and devote himself to them till he forgot himself1 had never undergone the folly of love for another2 he had never been capable of it1 and it had seemed to him then that that was the great difference that divided him from the childlike people4 ,but now1 since his son had been there1 even he1 ,siddhartha1 had become entirely childlike1 feeling sorrow for someone1 feeling love for someone1 losing himself in love1 becoming a fool for love4 ,it was late1 but now even he felt for once in his life this strongest and oddest of passions1 suffered for it1 suffered grievously but was nonetheless blessed1 nonetheless somewhat rejuvenated1 somewhat wealthier4 ,he was well aware that this love1 this blind love for his son1 was a passion1 something very human1 aware that it was sansara1 a cloudy source1 a dark water4 ,but he felt at the same time that it was not without value1 that it was something necessary1 that it sprang from its own essence4 ,even this craving had to be paid for1 even these pains had to be tasted1 even these follies had to be gone through4 ,during all this the son let him go through these follies1 let him try to win him over1 every day he would humiliate him with his moods4 ,this father of his had nothing that pleased him and nothing that he would be afraid of4 ,he was a good man1 this father1 a good1 good-natured and gentle man1 perhaps a very pious man1 perhaps a holy man - but none of these characteristics were anything that could win the boy over4 ,he found his father boring1 keeping him prisoner in this miserable hut of his1 he was boring1 and every time he behaved badly he would respond with a smile1 respond to insults with friendliness1 respond to malice with goodness4 ,this was probably the trick of the old creep that he hated most4 ,the boy would rather have had him threaten him and mistreat him4 ,the day came when the young ,siddhartha felt it was time to break out1 and he turned against his father quite openly4 ,siddhartha had given him the task of collecting firewood1 but the boy did not leave the hut1 he stood there in angry defiance1 stamped his foot1 clenched his fists and burst out in a fit1 screaming hatred and contempt in his father's face4 8,get the firewood yourself60 he shouted1 frothing at the mouth1 8,i'm not your servant4 ,i'm well aware you never hit me1 #8cause you don't dare to2 ,i'm well aware you want to punish me a make me small with your ,god-fearingness and your softness4 ,you want me to be just like you1 all pious and all gentle and all full of wisdom6 ,but listen6 ,i'm going to make you sorry1 ,i'd rather be a bandit on the roads1 rather be a murderer and go to ,hell than be like you6 ,i hate you1 you're not my father even if you'd been my mother's lover ten times over60 ,he gushed over with anger and self-pity1 spat a hundred vapid and spiteful words out at his father4 ,then the boy ran off and did not come back until late in the evening4 ,but by the following morning he had disappeared4 ,the little basket1 woven of fibres in two colours in which the ferrymen kept all the copper or silvers coins they received as passengers' fares1 was also missing4 ,also their boat was missing1 which ,siddhartha saw lying at the other side of river4 ,the boy had run away4 8,i will have to go after him10 said ,siddhartha1 who was still shaken from the previous day's tirade by the boy4 8,a child cannot go through the forest by himself4 ,he will be killed4 ,we need to build a raft1 ,vasudeva1 to get across the water40 8,we will build a raft10 said ,vasudeva1 8to fetch back our boat that the lad took away4 ,but you should let him go1 my friend1 he is not a child any more1 he knows how to look after himself4 ,he is looking for the way to the city1 and he is right1 do not forget that4 ,he is doing what you have failed to do yourself4 ,he is looking after himself1 he is following his own path4 ,oh ,siddhartha1 ,i can see that you are suffering1 but the pains you are suffering are pains that could be laughed about1 pains that you too will soon laugh about40 ,siddhartha gave no answer4 ,he already held the chopper in his hand and had begun to build the raft from bamboo wood4 ,vasudeva helped him to tie them together with rope made of grass4 ,then they made the crossing1 were carried far off course and1 on the opposite shore1 pulled the raft back upstream4 8,why have you brought the chopper with you80 asked ,siddhartha4 ,vasudeva answered1 8,it could be that the rudder of our boat will be missing40 ,but ,siddhartha knew what his friend was thinking4 ,he was thinking that the boy will have thrown the rudder away or smashed it in order to take his revenge and to make it harder to follow him4 ,and the rudder was indeed no longer in the boat4 ,vasudeva pointed to the floor of the boat and looked at his friend with a smile1 as if he meant to say1 8,do you not see what it is that your son wants to tell you8 ,do you not see that he does not want to be pursued80 ,he did not1 however1 say this in words4 ,he set about making a new rudder1 but ,siddhartha took his leave and went to search for the fugitive4 ,vasudeva did nothing to stop him4 ,siddhartha had long been making his way through the forest before it occurred to him that his search was pointless4 ,on the one hand1 he thought1 the boy might be a long way ahead of him and had already reached the city or1 on the other1 if he was still on his journey he would hide himself from his pursuer4 ,he continued to think about this1 and he found that he was not himself worried about his son for1 deep within himself1 he knew he had neither been killed nor faced any danger in the woods4 ,siddhartha nonetheless hurried on without rest1 no longer in order to save his son but just because there was something he wanted1 just in order to have the chance of seeing him again4 ,he continued to hurry forward until he was at the outskirts of the city4 ,near by the city1 on the broad highway1 he reached the entrance to the beautiful pleasure garden which had once belonged to ,kamala1 where he had seen her for the first time carried on her litter1 and there he stopped4 ,the memory rose up in his soul and he once more saw himself standing there1 a young and naked samana1 bearded and with hair full of dust4 ,siddhartha stood there long1 looking in through the open gate into the garden where monks in yellow robes walked about under the beautiful trees4 ,he stood there long1 thinking1 seeing pictures1 listening to the story of his life4 ,he stood there long1 watching the monks1 and instead of seeing them he saw the young ,siddhartha1 saw the young ,kamala as she moved about under the lofty trees4 ,he saw himself clearly1 how ,kamala made him her guest1 how he accepted her first kiss1 the pride and contempt he felt as he looked back on his life as a brahmin1 the pride and greed with which he began his secular life4 ,he saw ,kamaswami1 saw the servants1 saw the wild parties1 the gamblers with their dice1 the musicians1 he saw ,kamala's songbird in its cage1 he lived through all this once again1 he breathed sansara1 he was once again old and tired1 felt once again the wish to extinguish himself1 was healed once again by the holy ,om4 ,he stood long at the gateway into the garden until he saw that it was a foolish wish that had driven him to this place1 that he was unable to help his son1 that he should not stay too attached to him4 ,he felt his love for the fugitive deep in his heart1 like a wound1 and at the same time he saw that the wound had not been given to him for him to dig at it1 but that it would blossom and had to shine4 ,it made him sad that by this time the wound still had not blossomed1 still did not shine4 ,instead of having an objective for his wishes1 the objective that had drawn him to this place in pursuit of his runaway son1 he now had nothing4 ,disheartened1 he sat down1 felt something die within his heart1 felt the emptiness1 saw nothing to bring him joy1 nothing to be his objective4 ,he sat there deep in thought and waited4 ,this was what he had learned at the riverside1 just this3 to wait1 to be patient1 to listen4 ,and he sat and listened1 in the dust of the road1 he listened to his sad and tired heart1 he waited for a voice4 ,he remained there for many hours1 crouched and listening1 he saw no more pictures1 he sank into emptiness1 allowed himself to sink1 and saw no path to follow4 ,and when he felt the wound burning he would silently utter ,om1 would fill himself with ,om4 ,the monks in the garden saw him1 for he crouched there for many hours1 and on his grey hair the dust accumulated1 one of them came to him and put two bananas down in front of him4 ,the old man did not see him4 ,he was woken from this stupor by a hand shaking his shoulder4 ,he recognised this gentle and tentative movement straight away1 and came out of his state4 ,he stood up and greeted ,vasudeva who had come after him4 ,and as he looked into ,vasudeva's friendly face1 into those cheerful little eyes surrounded by many laughter wrinkles1 he smiled too4 ,now he saw the bananas lying in front of him1 lifted them up1 gave one to the ferryman and ate the other one himself4 ,then he and ,vasudeva went in silence back into the wood and back to their home at the ferry point4 ,neither spoke of what had happened that day1 neither spoke the name of the lad1 neither spoke of his flight1 neither spoke of the wound4 ,in the hut ,siddhartha lay down on his bed and a little while later1 when ,vasudeva came to him to offer him a cup of coconut milk1 he found he was already asleep4 ,,om ,the wound continued to cause pain4 ,siddhartha had to take many travellers across the river who had a son or a daughter with them1 and there was not one of them whom ,siddhartha did not look on with envy1 and he would think1 8,there are so many1 so many thousands1 who have this noblest of happiness - why do ,i not8 ,even evil people1 even thieves and robbers have children whom they love and who are loved by them1 and ,i alone do not have40 ,this was the simplicity of his thoughts at that time1 so lacking in understanding1 so similar had he become to the child-like people4 ,he no longer looked on people in the way he had done1 less clever1 less proud1 but with more warmth1 more curiosity1 more concerned4 ,when he carried people who were normal - child-people1 businessmen1 soldiers1 women - these people did not seem as alien to him as they had done previously3 he understood them1 he shared the life they led1 a life which was not directed by thoughts and insights but solely by drives and wishes1 he felt he was the same as they were4 ,he was now near liberation1 though he still suffered from the wound which was still fresh4 ,these people seemed to him nonetheless to be his brothers1 these childlike people1 with all their vanities1 their greed and their ridiculousness1 no longer seemed ridiculous1 they had become understandable1 become deserving of love1 even1 it seemed to him1 become venerable4 ,the blind love of a mother for her child1 the stupid blind pride of an over-proud father for his only little son1 the vanity of a young woman who has a blind wild wish for more jewelry and for admiration in the eyes of men1 all these drives1 all this childishness1 all these simple drives and greeds which were so foolish but so monstrously strong1 strong for life1 strong enough to make themselves felt4 ,for ,siddhartha now1 these drives and greeds were no longer childish1 he saw how they gave people life1 he saw how people could achieve the infinite1 how they could go on journeys1 wage war1 bear infinite sorrows1 and he was able to love them for it1 he saw life1 he saw the living1 he saw the indestructible1 he saw ,brahman in all their sorrows and all their actions4 ,these people had a faith that was blind1 blind was their strength and their tenderness1 and that made them deserving of both love and of admiration4 ,there was nothing they lacked1 there was no way that the wise man1 the thinking man1 was ahead of them except for one detail1 one single tiny detail3 consciousness1 conscious awareness of the unity of all life4 ,and ,siddhartha was often in doubt as to whether he should value this knowledge1 these thoughts1 so highly1 whether he would not also like to be as childlike as the thought-people the childlike thought-people4 ,in all other respects the people of the world were the equals of the wise1 in many respects far superior1 just like animals that do what they have to do with harshness and without error1 animals that can seem at many times superior to man4 ,the realisation1 the knowledge of what wisdom actually is1 and of what it was that he had been seeking for so long1 was slow to blossom1 slow to ripen in ,siddhartha4 ,it was nothing more than the readiness of the soul1 a capability1 a secret talent1 to think the thought of the one at every moment1 in the middle of life to feel the one1 the ability to breathe the one4 ,this was slow to blossom in him1 it shone on him back from the child-like face of ,vasudeva3 harmony1 knowledge of eternal perfection1 the world1 a smile1 the one4 ,the wound1 however1 still burned4 ,siddhartha yearned bitterly for his son1 he nurtured his love and tenderness in his heart1 he allowed the pain to consume him1 he went through all the follies of love4 ,this was a flame that would not die away by itself4 ,one day1 when the wound was burning fiercely1 ,siddhartha1 impelled by the yearning for his son1 crossed the river1 disembarked and wanted to go to the city to seek him out4 ,the river flowed with gentle smoothness1 it was the dry time of year1 but his voice sounded odd3 it was the voice of laughter4 ,it was clearly the voice of laughter4 ,the river was laughing1 laughing brightly and clearly at the aged ferryman4 ,siddhartha stopped and bent towards the water in order to hear it better1 and in the smoothly flowing water he saw the reflection of his own face1 and this reflection seemed to remind him of something1 something forgotten1 and as he thought about it he found it3 this face was the same as another face he had once known and loved and feared4 ,it was the same face as his father's1 the face of the brahmin4 ,and he remembered how1 long ago as a young man1 he had forced his father to let him go and join the penitents1 how he had taken his leave of him1 how he had left and never gone back4 ,had his father not suffered the same grief as he now suffered for his own son8 ,was his father not now long dead1 dying alone without ever having seen his son again8 ,would he not now have to expect the same fate for himself8 ,was it not a comedy1 something peculiar and stupid1 this repetition1 this running round in circles that would lead only to his fate4 ,the river was laughing4 ,it was true1 everything came back to you that had not been endured to the end and resolved1 the same pains would be suffered again and again4 ,but ,siddhartha got back into the boat and went back to the hut1 thinking of his father1 thinking of his son1 laughed at by the river1 in dispute with himself1 inclined to doubt and no less inclined to join in with the laughter at himself and at the whole world4 ,but the wound had still not matured into blossom1 his heart still struggled against his fate1 there was still no merriment1 no victory1 shining from his suffering4 ,he nonetheless felt hope1 and when he had arrived back at the hut he felt a wish that he could not overcome to open himself to ,vasudeva1 to show him all1 him the master of listening1 to tell him everything4 ,vasudeva sat in the hut weaving a basket4 ,he no longer went out on the boat1 his eyes were becoming weak1 and not only his eyes2 his arms and his hands were becoming weak too4 ,it was only his joy and the cheerful benevolence shown in his face that remained unchanged and flourishing4 ,siddhartha sat down by the old man and slowly began to speak4 ,he told him of things they had never before discussed1 of his journey to the city1 of his burning wound1 of his envy when he saw a happy father1 of his awareness of the folly of such wishes and his unsuccessful struggle against them4 ,he told him all1 he was able to tell him all1 even the most painful1 all could be said1 all could be shown1 all could he relate4 ,he displayed his wound to him1 even told him of his attempt to flee that very day1 how he had crossed the river1 fleeing like a child and wishing to walk to the city1 how the river had laughed at him4 ,he spoke long1 ,vasudeva listened with a quiet expression on his face1 ,siddhartha felt that ,vasudeva listened more closely than he ever had before1 he felt how his pain1 his anxieties flowed over to him1 how his secret hopes flowed over to him1 how he came across to meet him4 ,to tell this listener about his wounds was the same a bathing them in the river till they became cool and became one with the river4 ,as he continued to speak1 continued to acknowledge his faults1 continued to make his confession1 ,siddhartha felt more and more that this was no longer ,vasudeva1 no longer a human being1 that was listening to him1 that ,vasudeva as he sat motionless and listening was drawing in his confession like a tree draws up rainwater1 that ,vasudeva as he sat motionless was the river himself1 that he was ,god himself1 that he was the eternal himself4 ,and as ,siddhartha ceased thinking about himself and his wounds awareness of ,vasudeva's changed nature took possession of him1 the more he received it and penetrated it1 the less wonderful it became and he saw that all was as it should be1 all was natural1 he saw that ,vasudeva had long been in this state1 he had almost always been in this state1 he saw that only he had not quite understood this1 he saw that he himself was hardly separate from him4 ,he perceived that he now saw the aged ,vasudeva in the way that people see the gods1 and that this was not something that could last2 he began1 in his heart1 to take his leave of ,vasudeva4 ,and as he saw these things he continued to speak4 ,when he had finally finished speaking ,vasudeva raised his eyes1 friendly but grown somewhat weak1 to ,siddhartha4 ,he said nothing1 but in silence he remained cheerful and shone his love1 his understanding1 and his wisdom onto him4 ,he took ,siddhartha's hand1 led him out to their seat at the riverside1 sat down with him1 and smiled down at the water4 8,you heard him laughing10 he said4 8,but you did not hear everything4 ,let us listen1 you will hear more40 ,they listened4 ,the song of the river1 sung in his many voices1 was sweet4 ,siddhartha looked into the water1 pictures appeared to him in the water as it flowed3 his father appeared to him1 alone and in mourning for his son2 he appeared to himself1 alone and he1 too1 was bound in the fetters of longing for his son2 his son appeared to him1 also alone1 as the lad hurried greedily along the burning road of his youthful desire4 ,each of them was directed to his aim1 each of them obsessed with his aim1 each of them suffering4 ,the river sang with a voice of sorrow1 with yearning it sang1 with yearning it flowed towards its aim1 its voice was one of lament4 ,without speaking1 ,vasudeva looked at ,siddhartha1 and his look asked1 8,do you hear80 ,siddhartha nodded4 8,hear better10 ,vasudeva whispered4 ,siddhartha strained to hear better4 ,the image of his father1 the image of himself1 the image of his son flowed in and out of each other1 the image of ,kamala also appeared and flowed away1 the image of ,govinda and other images appeared1 flowed in and out of each other1 each became a part of the river1 each of them1 as a part of the river1 strove to reach its aim1 yearning1 greedy1 suffering1 and the voice of the river was full of yearning1 full of burning pain1 full of insatiable desire4 ,the river strove to reach its aim1 ,siddhartha saw it rushing1 the river that was made up of him and of those who belonged to him and all the people he had ever seen1 all the waves and all the water rushed in sorrow to their aim1 to their many aims1 to the waterfall1 to the lake1 to the rapids1 to the sea1 and all the aims were achieved1 and each one was followed by another1 and water became steam and rose up to the sky1 it became rain and poured from the sky1 it became a spring1 became a stream1 became a river1 striving for the new1 flowing into the new4 ,but the voice of yearning had changed4 ,it could still be heard1 full of sorrow1 full of searching1 but other voices came to keep it company1 voices of joy and of sorrow1 good voices and bad voices1 laughing and mourning1 a hundred voices1 a thousand voices4 ,siddhartha listened4 ,by now he was nothing but listener1 engrossed in listening1 quite empty1 sucking in1 he felt he had now fully learned how to listen4 ,he had heard all these things many times before1 all these voices in the river1 but today it sounded new4 ,he could no longer distinguish these countless voices1 not the gay from the plangent1 not the childish from the manly1 they all belonged together1 lamentations of yearning1 laughter of the wise man1 the shout of anger and the groans of the dying1 all was as one1 all was interwoven and conjoined1 interwoven in a thousand places4 ,and all of this together1 all the voices1 all the aims1 all the yearning1 all the sorrows1 all the joys1 all the good and all the bad1 all of this together was the world4 ,all of this together was the events that happened1 flowing like the river1 all of this was the music of life4 ,and when ,siddhartha listened carefully to this flow1 to this river with its thousand voices1 when he listened not to the sorrow or the laughter1 when he bound his soul not with any one of those voices and went into it with his ,self1 but when he heard everything1 the whole1 when he perceived the unity of the whole1 that was when the great song of a thousand voices was made up of a single word1 the word ,om3 ,perfection4 ,once more1 ,vasudeva's glance asked1 8,do you hear80 ,vasudeva's smile shone brightly1 all round ,vasudeva's face with all its wrinkles there was a glow of brightness1 just as1 over and around all the voices of the river1 there was the ,om4 ,his smile shone brightly as he looked at his friend1 also now1 on ,siddhartha's face1 the same smile began to glow brightly4 ,his wounds blossomed1 his sorrow glowed1 his ,self had flowed into the unity4 ,it was at that moment that ,siddhartha stopped struggling against his fate1 stopped suffering4 ,on his face there blossomed the gaiety of knowledge when there is no longer any will standing against it1 the knowledge known by liberation1 the knowledge that is in agreement with the flow of events1 with the river of life with all its shared sorrows1 with all its shared joys1 surrendering to the flow1 belonging to the unity4 ,vasudeva stood up from where he had been sitting on the bank of the river1 he looked in ,siddhartha's eyes and saw the gaiety of wisdom shining there1 he put his hand lightly in his careful and gentle way on ,siddhartha's shoulder and he said1 8,i have been waiting for this moment1 my friend4 ,now that it has come let me take my leave of you4 ,i have been waiting long for this moment1 long have ,i been ,vasudeva the ferryman4 ,it is now enough4 ,farewell hut1 farewell river1 farewell ,siddhartha60 ,siddhartha bowed deeply to ,vasudeva as he took his leave4 8,i knew it10 he said gently4 8,will you go into the woods80 ,vasudeva's face shone1 and he said1 8,i will go into the woods1 ,i will go into the unity40 ,still beaming he went on his way2 ,siddhartha watched him as he went4 ,with the deepest joy1 with the deepest earnestness1 he watched him as he went1 saw his steps full of contentment1 saw his head as it shone1 saw his shape full of light4 ,,govinda ,govinda was spending a rest period with other monks in the pleasure garden which the courtesan1 ,kamala1 had given to the followers of ,gotama4 ,he heard there about an aged ferryman who lived by a river about a day's journey away1 and whom many regarded as a wise man4 ,when ,govinda resumed his walking he chose to take the path to the ferry1 curious to see who this ferryman was4 ,all through his life he had lived according to the regimen of his order1 and the younger monks regarded him with veneration because of his age and his modesty1 but there was still unrest in his heart and a searching which had not been extinguished4 ,he arrived at the river and asked the old man to take him across4 ,on the other bank1 as they stepped out of the boat1 he said to the old man1 8,you have been very good to us monks and pilgrims1 and you have taken many of us across the river4 ,could it be that you too1 ferryman1 are a seeker of the right path80 ,siddhartha showed a smile in his aging eyes and said1 8,do you call yourself a seeker1 venerable sir1 when you are already advanced in years and you wear the robes of a monk of ,gotama80 8,yes1 ,i am old10 said ,govinda1 8but ,i have never stopped searching4 ,i never will stop searching1 this seems to be my destiny4 ,and it seems to me that you1 too1 have been seeking4 ,would you like to say a word to me1 honoured one80 8,what might ,i want to say to you1 venerable sir80 ,siddhartha asked4 8,perhaps ,i should ask you if you are not seeking too hard4 ,or ask if it is your seeking that prevents you from finding40 8,how do you mean that80 ,govinda asked4 8,when someone is seeking10 said ,siddhartha1 8it is very easy for his eye to see nothing but the thing sought1 that he is unable to find1 unable to receive into himself anything because he thinks only of that which he seeks1 because he has an objective1 because he is obsessed with that objective4 ,seeking means having an objective1 but finding means being free1 being receptive1 having no objective4 ,it could be1 venerable sir1 that you are indeed a seeker1 for in your efforts to reach your objective you fail to see many things that are close before your eyes40 8,i still do not quite understand10 ,govinda asked1 8how do you mean that80 ,siddhartha said1 8,once before1 venerable sir1 many years ago1 you were beside this river1 and you found there a man who was sleeping1 and you sat down beside him to watch over him as he slept4 ,but1 ,govinda1 you did not recognise this sleeper40 ,astonished as if bewitched1 the monk looked into the ferryman's eyes4 8,you are ,siddhartha80 he asked1 in timid voice4 8,again1 ,i failed to recognise you6 ,hearty greetings1 ,siddhartha1 ,i am heartily glad to see you again6 ,you have changed so much1 my friend - and now1 you have become a ferryman80 ,siddhartha gave a friendly laugh4 8,yes1 ,govinda1 a ferryman4 ,there are many who have to go through many changes1 have to wear many different clothes1 and ,i am one of them1 my friend4 ,welcome ,govinda6 ,come and stay the night in my hut40 ,govinda did stay the night in the hut and he slept in the place which had formerly been ,vasudeva's bed4 ,he had many questions to put to his childhood friend1 ,siddhartha had to recount many episodes of his life to him4 ,the following morning came and it was time for ,govinda to resume his wandering4 ,govinda said1 with some hesitation1 8,before ,i continue my journey1 ,siddhartha1 let me ask you one more thing4 ,do you have a doctrine8 ,do you have a belief or a knowledge that you follow and which helps you through life and to do the right thing80 ,siddhartha said1 8,my friend1 you know that when ,i was a young man1 living with you and the other penitents in the woods1 that ,i had already begun to mistrust doctrines and their teachers1 and so ,i turned my back on them4 ,i have not changed my view4 ,i have nonetheless had many teachers since that time4 ,there was a beautiful courtesan who was my teacher for a long time1 and a rich businessman was my teacher1 as well as several gamblers4 ,one time there was even a wandering disciple of the ,buddha who was my teacher2 he was on pilgrimage but he sat beside me while ,i was asleep in the woods4 ,i learned from him too1 and ,i am grateful to him too1 very grateful4 ,but most of all1 ,i have learned from the river here1 and from my predecessor1 ,vasudeva the ferryman4 ,he was a very simple man1 ,vasudeva1 he was not a thinker but he knew the important things as well as ,gotama1 he was a perfect man1 he was a holy man40 8,i think you're mocking me again1 ,siddhartha10 said ,govinda4 8,i believe you and ,i both know that you have never followed any teacher4 ,but even if you have never followed a teacher have you not had certain thoughts1 found certain kinds of knowledge yourself1 knowledge which is your own and which have helped you through life8 ,if you would like to tell me something of this it would bring joy to my heart40 8,yes10 said ,siddhartha1 8there are some things that ,i have thought from time to time1 and some things that ,i have seen4 ,there have been times when1 for one hour or for one day1 ,i have felt there is knowledge within me1 just as it is possible to feel life in one's heart4 ,i have had many such thoughts1 but ,i would find it very hard to tell you about them4 ,govinda1 listen1 here is one of the thoughts that ,i have found3 wisdom cannot be taught4 ,if a wise man tries to teach wisdom it will always sound like folly40 8,are you joking now80 ,govinda asked4 8,i am not joking4 ,i am saying what ,i have found4 ,knowledge can be taught1 but not wisdom4 ,it can be found1 it can be lived1 it can be what carries you1 it can work wonders1 but it cannot be spoken and it cannot be taught4 ,this is what ,i had already begun to suspect when ,i was young1 this is what drove me away from the teachers4 ,i have found a thought1 ,govinda1 a thought that you will again suppose is folly or a joke1 but it is the best thought ,i have4 ,it reads3 ,for every truth1 the opposite is equally true6 ,this means that a truth that is one-sided can only ever be spoken1 it is encased in words4 ,all that is thought with thoughts and can be spoken in words will be one-sided1 all will be half1 all will be lacking in wholeness1 in roundness1 in unity4 ,when the noble ,gotama spoke of the world in his teachings he had to divide it into sansara and nirvana1 into delusion and truth1 into suffering and liberation4 ,he who wishes to be a teacher has no choice in the matter1 there is no other path for him to follow4 ,the world itself1 though1 that which exists around us and within us1 is never one sided4 ,it is never a person1 never an act1 never the whole of sansara and never the whole of nirvana1 and a person is never entirely holy and never entirely sinful4 ,it does seem so because we are subjected to delusion and believe that time is something real4 ,time is not real1 ,govinda1 that is something ,i have experienced many times4 ,and if time is not real then the gap that seems to lie between the world and eternity1 between suffering and being blessed1 between evil and good1 is also just delusion40 8,how do you mean that80 asked ,govinda1 with some anxiety4 8,listen1 my friend1 listen well4 ,the sinner1 such as me1 such as you1 is a sinner1 but he will one day become once more ,brahma1 he will one day achieve nirvana1 will become a buddha - but now think of this3 this #8one day' is delusion1 it is only a comparison6 ,the sinner is not on his way to becoming a buddha1 he is not engrossed in any kind of development1 even though it is not possible for our thought to imagine these things in any other way4 ,no1 the prospective buddha is already within the sinner1 now and today1 his future is all already there1 within him1 within you1 within everyone is that which will be1 that which is possible1 that which is the hidden buddha to be honoured4 ,the world1 ,govinda my friend1 is not imperfect1 nor is it trapped on a weary road to perfection3 no1 it has perfection in every glance of the eye1 every sin contains mercy within it1 every little child has the old man within it1 every suckling has death within it1 every dying man has eternal life within him4 ,no man is able to see how far he has progressed along his path by looking at others1 within the thief and within the gambler the buddha is waiting1 within the brahmin the thief is waiting4 ,in deep meditation it is possible to remove time and to see all that has been1 all that is and all that will be in one moment1 and in that moment all is good1 all is perfect1 all is ,brahman4 ,that is why it appears to me that all that is good1 death appears to me as the same as life1 sin appears to me the same as holiness1 wisdom appears to me the same as folly1 everything has to be thus1 nothing needs anything more than my agreement1 more than my will1 my loving involvement1 and so1 for me1 it is good1 it can only advance me and can never harm me4 ,i have learned through experience that ,i needed to sin1 body and soul1 ,i needed lust1 ,i strove for more possessions1 ,i was vain1 and ,i needed only the slightest doubt to teach me to give up struggling against these things1 to learn to love the world1 to stop comparing it with any kind of imaginary world ,i might have wished for or any kind of perfection ,i might have invented1 ,i learned to leave the world as it is and to love it and to enjoy being a part of it4 ,these1 ,govinda1 are some of the thoughts that have come into my mind40 ,siddhartha reached down and picked up a stone from the ground1 then he weighed it in his hand4 8,this10 he said playfully1 8is a stone1 and after a certain time it might become soil1 and then the soil might become a plant or an animal or a person4 ,but earlier ,i would have said3 this stone is just a stone1 it is worthless1 it belongs to the world of maya2 but through the circle of metamorphoses it might become a person or a spirit1 and that is why ,i attribute value to it4 ,that is what ,i might have thought earlier4 ,but now ,i think3 this stone is a stone1 it is also an animal1 it is also a god1 it is also a buddha1 ,i do not venerate it1 ,i do not love it because it might one day become this or that but because it has always been everything and always will be - and that is exactly why ,i love it1 for being a stone1 because it appears to me as a stone and always will do1 that is why ,i see value and meaning in each of its veins and each of its hollows1 in the yellow1 in the grey1 in its hardness1 in the sound it makes when ,i tap it1 in the dryness or the wetness of its surface4 ,there are some stones that feel like oil or soap1 others feel like leaves1 others like sand1 and each of them is unique and each of them prays to ,om in its own way1 each of them is ,brahman but at the same time each of them is a stone1 all the more is it a stone1 it is oily or juicy1 and that is what appeals to me1 that is what seems so wonderful to me and so worthy of worship4 ,but do not let continue talking about this4 ,words are not good for the invisible spirit1 it always instantly becomes a little different when spoken about1 a little false1 a little foolish - and even that is something very good and something ,i like very much1 something ,i fully consent to1 that which one man sees as valuable wisdom will always seem to another to be folly40 ,govinda listened in silence4 ,after a pause he asked1 hesitantly1 8,why did you tell me all that about the stone80 8,it just happened4 ,i did not plan it4 ,or perhaps ,i meant to say that ,i love this stone1 and the river1 and all these things we think about and from which we can learn4 ,i am capable of loving a stone1 ,govinda1 and also a tree or a piece of bark4 ,those are things1 and it is possible to love things4 ,but it is not possible to love words4 ,that is why teachings are not for me1 they have no hardness1 no softness1 no colours1 no edges1 no smell1 no taste1 they have nothing but words4 ,maybe that is what is preventing you from finding peace1 maybe it is all those words4 ,as even redemption and virtue1 even sansara and nirvana are nothing but words1 ,govinda4 ,there is nothing for nirvana to be2 there is only the word1 #8nirvana'40 ,govinda said1 8,nirvana is not merely a word1 my friend4 ,it is a thought40 ,siddhartha continued1 8,a thought1 maybe it is4 ,i have to admit1 my friend1 ,i do not make any great distinction between thoughts and words4 ,to put it simply1 ,i do not have much respect for thoughts4 ,i have more respect for things4 ,there was a man here on this ferryboat1 for example1 who was my predecessor and my teacher1 a holy man who1 for many years1 believed simply in the river1 and nothing else4 ,he had noticed that the river's voice spoke to him and he learned from it1 it brought him up1 it helped him to develop1 it taught him4 ,the river seemed to him like a god1 for many years he did not know that every wind1 every cloud1 every bird1 every beetle is just as god-like as the river he venerated so much1 and knew just as much1 and had just as much to teach him4 ,by the time this holy man went off into the woods he knew everything1 he knew more than you and ,i1 without a teacher1 without books1 and only because he believed in the river40 ,govinda said1 8,and is that what you mean by #8things1' something real1 something that exists8 ,is that not just the delusion of maya1 just a picture1 just an appearance8 ,this stone of yours1 this tree1 this river1 are they then reality80 8,even this question10 said ,siddhartha1 8no longer gives me much bother4 ,perhaps these things are delusory and perhaps they are not1 but then ,i too am an illusion and so they continue to be the same as me4 ,that is what makes them so dear and so venerable for me3 they are the same as me4 ,that is why ,i can love them4 ,and now1 here is a teaching that will make you laugh3 it seems to me1 ,govinda1 that love is the most important thing of all4 ,perhaps seeing through the world1 explaining the world1 despising the world1 is an important matter for the great thinkers1 but only one thing is important for me1 the ability to love the world1 not to despise it1 not to hate it or myself1 but the ability to see it and myself and all that exists with love and admiration and honour40 8,i can understand that10 said ,govinda4 8,but this1 too1 is something that the noble one has recognised as delusion4 ,he instructs us to show benevolence1 mercy1 compassion1 patience1 but not love2 he has forbidden us to tether our hearts to the world with love40 8,i know it well10 said ,siddhartha1 and his face shone with smile of gold4 8,i know it well1 ,govinda4 ,but now look2 we find ourselves now in the middle of a thicket of meanings1 we're quibbling about words4 ,i cannot deny that my words about love contradict - or seem to contradict - the words of ,gotama4 ,and that is the very reason ,i mistrust words so much1 ,i know that this contradiction is delusory4 ,i know that ,i agree with ,gotama4 ,for how could it be that he knew nothing of love1 even he who acknowledged the transitoriness of all human existence1 acknowledged it in all its nothingness1 but nonetheless loved mankind so much that he devoted his long and strenuous life to one thing1 to help them and to teach them6 ,and even the things about him1 about your great teacher are more important for me than his words1 his actions and his life are more important than what he said1 the movements of his hand are more important than his beliefs4 ,i don't see his greatness in what he said or what he thought1 ,i see it only in his actions1 in his life40 ,for a long while the two old men remained silent4 ,then ,govinda began to take his leave of ,siddhartha1 saying1 8,thank you for showing me something of your thoughts1 ,siddhartha4 ,some of them are odd1 and ,i am not able to understand them all straight away4 ,be that as it may1 ,i give you my thanks and wish you peaceful days40 7,privately1 though1 ,govinda thought to himself1 8,this ,siddhartha is a wonderful man1 these are wonderful thoughts he expresses1 his teaching sounds foolish4 ,the pure teachings of the noble one are different1 they are clearer1 purer1 easier to understand1 and contain nothing odd or foolish or ridiculous4 ,but ,siddhartha's hands and feet seem different from his thoughts4 ,his eyes1 his brow1 his breath1 his smile1 his greeting1 his walk1 they all seem different4 ,since our noble one1 ,gotama1 went into ,nirvana ,i have never met any one about whom ,i have felt1 #8,this is a holy man4' ,he alone1 this ,siddhartha1 is the only one ,i have found4 ,his teachings may sound odd1 his words may sound foolish1 but his look and his hands1 his skin and his hair1 everything about him is radiant with purity1 radiant with peace1 radiant with gaiety and gentleness and holiness4 ,not since the recent death of our noble teacher have ,i seen this on anyone407 ,as ,govinda was thinking these things1 things which his heart strongly resisted1 he bowed to ,siddhartha once again1 drawn by love4 ,he bowed deeply as ,siddhartha sat peacefully4 8,siddhartha10 he said1 8we have grown into old men4 ,it seems hardly likely that either of us will see the other in his present form ever again4 ,i see1 my dear friend1 that you have found peace4 ,i admit that ,i have not4 ,give me another word1 venerated one1 give me something that ,i can grasp1 something ,i can understand6 ,give me something to take as ,i go on my way4 ,my way is often difficult1 often dark1 ,siddhartha40 ,siddhartha remained silent and continued to look at him with the same quiet smile4 ,govinda stared into his face1 with anxiety1 with yearning4 ,sorrow and a never ending search could be read in his expression1 a never ending search without finding4 ,siddhartha saw it1 and grinned4 8,bow down to me60 he whispered gently into ,govinda's ear4 8,bow down to me here6 ,yes1 closer6 ,very close6 ,kiss me on the forehead1 ,govinda60 ,govinda was puzzled but1 drawn by the great love and trust he had for his friend1 did as he was told1 he bowed down close to him and touched his forehead with his lips1 and something wonderful happened to him4 ,his thoughts remained with the wonderful words that ,siddhartha had spoken1 he strove in vain to remove time from his thoughts and to see nirvana and sansara as one1 he felt even a certain disdain for his friend's words which competed with the enormous love and veneration he felt for him1 and while all this was going on this is what happened to him3 ,he could no longer see his friend's face1 instead he saw other faces1 many other faces1 a long sequence of them1 a flowing river of faces1 hundreds of them1 thousands of them1 all of them came and went yet all of them seemed to be there at the same time1 all of them were in continuous change yet all of them were ,siddhartha4 ,he saw the face of a fish1 a carp with its mouth permanently gaping in pain1 a fish that was dying as its eyes broke open1 he saw the face of a new-born child1 wrinkly1 red and contorted in its tears1 he saw the face of a murderer1 saw him as he thrust the knife into his victim's body - he saw1 at the same moment1 this criminal as he knelt in chains and how the executioner struck off his head with a blow of his sword - he saw the bodies of men and women naked and struggling in positions of fervent love - he saw corpses stretched out1 still1 cold1 empty - he saw the heads of animals1 of pigs1 of crocodiles1 of elephants1 of bulls1 of birds - he saw gods1 he saw ,krsna1 he saw ,agni - he saw all these forms and all these faces connected with each other in a thousand places1 helping each other1 loving each other1 hating each other1 destroying each other1 giving birth to them anew1 each of them was a death wish1 a passionate torturous acknowledgement of the past1 but none of them did die but only transformed itself1 underwent continual rebirths1 each time receiving a new face although no time passed between one face and the next - and all these forms and all these faces rested1 flowed1 appeared1 swam one way and flowed in between each other and above all of this there was always something thin1 something that had no essence but nonetheless existed1 like a thin piece of glass or ice1 like a transparent skin1 a shell or a shape or a mask of water1 and this mask was smiling1 and this mask was ,siddhartha's smiling face which he1 ,govinda1 was at that very moment touching with his lips4 ,and so it was that ,govinda saw the smile on the mask1 the smile of unity over and above the forms as they rushed past1 the smile of simultaneity over the thousand births and deaths1 this smile of ,siddhartha's was exactly the same1 was exactly identical1 calm1 fine1 impenetrable1 perhaps benevolent1 perhaps mocking1 wise1 the thousand-fold smile of ,gotama1 the buddha1 the smile he had seen and venerated a hundred times himself4 ,govinda knew that this was how the perfect ones smiled4 ,he no longer knew whether time existed1 he no longer knew whether this vision had lasted one second or a hundred years1 he no longer knew whether a ,siddhartha or a ,gotama or an ,i and you existed4 ,it was as if his deepest part had been struck with an arrow from the divine1 causing a wound that tasted so sweet1 his innermost part was enchanted1 was dissolved4 ,govinda continued to stand there bent over ,siddhartha's quiet face1 the face he had just kissed1 the face that had just been the theatre for all forms1 all becoming1 all existence4 ,that face1 that under its surface had shown the depths of the thousands1 remained unchanged1 it bore a peaceful smile1 a smile that was gentle and tender1 perhaps very benevolent1 perhaps very mocking1 just like the smile on the face of the noble one4 ,govinda bowed deeply1 tears that he was unaware of ran from his eyes and over his aged face1 the sense of deepest love burnt in him like a fire1 the humblest veneration burnt in his heart4 ,he bowed deeply1 touching the ground in front of ,siddhartha who sat motionless1 whose smile reminded him of everything in his life he had ever loved1 of everything in his life that had been worthwhile to him1 and holy4 ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------- ,creative ,commons ,attribution-,non,commercial-,no,derivat ives #d4j ,international ,public ,license ,by exercising the ,licensed ,rights 7defined below71 ,you accept and agree to be bound by the terms and conditions of this ,creative ,commons ,attribution-,non,commercial-,no,derivat ives #d4j ,international ,public 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