,,the ,,country ,,school ,an ,entertainment in ,two ,scenes4 ,,by ,m4 ,r4 ,,orne4 ,copyright1 #ahij1 ,,by ,,walter ,h4 ,,baker ,,co4 ,,boston ,,suggestions4 ,,the characters in this little sketch should be played by prominent citizens of your town1 if such can be prevailed upon to appear--the more elderly1 staid1 and incongruous in years and bearing1 the better4 ,dignified professors1 judges1 doctors1 lawyers1 teachers1 etc41 should be prevailed upon to forget their present greatness1 don the costumes and revive the scenes of their youth4 ,the dress may be left largely to individual taste4 ,short pantaloons1 jumpers1 long-sleeved tires1 caps1 broad-brimmed straw hats1 heavy cowhide boots1 are suggested for the gentlemen2 while short dresses1 the historic pantalette1 sun-bonnets1 tires1 aprons1 etc41 are proposed for the ladies4 ,the latter should have their hair braided or hanging in long curls4 ,all should be neatly dressed in ye olden time costumes1 except one or two1 who may represent the tatterdemalion fraternity4 ,one of these may be the bright boy of the class1 the other the dullard1 who stumbles through his lessons1 loses his place1 has a passion for catching flies1 throwing spit-balls1 etc4 ,one boy may have a penchant for drawing pictures on his slate or the blackboard1 in which his teacher and mates play a prominent part as models4 ,one girl a proneness for chewing gum1 another for large pickles2 another thinks herself smart1 but generally manages to give wrong answers4 ,a few names have been suggested in the dialogue1 but they may be easily varied4 ,where a name is not necessary1 the author has used the word ,pupil1 so that the parts may be distributed according to the number of performers4 ,the by-play that goes on among the scholars who are not reciting must be of such a nature that it will not attract the attention of the teacher unless it is a part of the programme4 ,the motion song can be introduced elsewhere in the dialogue if advisable4 ,as a rule1 pupils should raise hands 7at the same time saying ,huh6 huh6 or snapping thumb and finger71 and obtain permission before speaking2 but where the dialogue becomes spirited1 this rule may be broken4 ,an indefinite number can take part in this entertainment4 ,,the ,,country ,,school4 ,,introduction4 ,,the curtain should rise upon an introductory front scene depicting the pupils on their way to school1 singly1 or in groups of two or three1 swinging book-bags or dinner-pails2 one group of girls play bean-bag2 a group of boys play marbles2 one boy tries to fly a kite2 some skip1 others walk sedately1 or jump rope1 drive hoop1 etc4 7,enter ,,boy1 whittling47 ,,boy4 ,say1 ,seth1 old ,hickory's coming6 ,got your hands all waxed1 sonny8 ',cause you'll have to ketch it hot and heavy this morning4 ,teacher's awful mad about your stealing ,squire ,green's apples4 ,,seth ,,crane 7who has book-bag1 etc474 ,don't care4 ,i ain't going to school to-day1 anyway4 ,i'm going to play hookey4 ,,boy4 ,did your ma say you might8 ,,seth4 ,bet your life she didn't4 ,i'm not tied to my ma's apron strings1 ,bubby2 ,i'm no baby6 ,,boy4 ,here he comes6 ,run1 ,seth1 or he'll ketch you4 7,,seth runs off4 ,teacher passes along saying ,good-morning etc41 to children47 ,,boy4 7still whittling1 to group which comes up74 ,say1 boys1 ,seth ,crane's going to play hookey4 ,let's pay1 him back for saying we stole ,squire ,green's apples1 will you1 and tell his mother8 ,she's a daisy1 though1 ain't she8 ,,second ,,boy4 ,agreed6 ,but who'll tell the old lady8 ,,boy4 ,let ,daniel4 ,he's teacher's pet anyway1 and if he's late1 nothing'll be said4 ,will you go1 ,dan8 ,,daniel4 ,yes4 ,the old lady'll give me some of her nice doughnuts4 7,smacking lips1 he runs off4 ,boys pass off in other direction1 crying1 ,save some for us1 ,dan1 etc47 ,the above merely serves to indicate the general nature of the dialogue that may be characteristically employed1 the precise points to be made depending for their humorous value so entirely upon the identity of the actor in each case and their contradiction of his well-known character and dignity1 that they must be left to the invention of the players4 ,the dialogue1 whatever its nature1 should be accompanied by an incessant pantomimic action of characteristic boyish antics and practical jokes1 made inexpressibly ludicrous by whiskers1 bass voices1 and other personal anachronisms4 ,at the close of this introductory part1 and while the curtain is rising on the school scene1 a large bell should be rung vigorously4 ,,the ,,schoolroom4 ,,scene4--,the interior of the little red schoolhouse of our grandfathers4 ,teacher's desk at ,r41 stove ,l41 chair for committee man in front of stove1 desks at back1 leaving an open space in front for classes1 etc4 ,blackboard and map at back4 ,blackboard down in ,r4 corner1 by teacher's desk1 facing house4 ,door at back1 ,c4 ,as pupils enter they courtesy to the teacher1 and after hanging hats and bonnets on nails1 take their seats4 ,one pupil is granted the privilege of ringing the bell at the door1 whereupon the rest enter4 ,the school is them called to order and the roll is read4 ,each answers here or present to his name4 ,when the name of ,james ,peters is read there is no reply4 ,at length one of the girls explains that he had to stay to hum to mind the baby4 ,another scholar reports that the reason ,molly ,jenkins didn't come was because she hadn't no shoes4 ,,teacher4 ,i see a few new scholars here4 ,i will now take their names4 ,what name do you call yourself1 sir8 ,j4 ,c4 ,,smith4 ,i don't call myself any names6 ,but ,nappy ,jones does1 and ef he ever does it again 7doubling up his fists and threatening the same1 who returns the compliment71 ,i'll lick him1 see ef ,i don't6 ,my name is ,julius ,caesar ,smith1 and don't you forget it4 ,,teacher4 ,how old are you1 ,julius ,caesar8 ,j4 ,c4 ,s4 ,i'm five years old next ,christmas4 ,,teacher4 ,that will do4 ,the next scholar4 ,j4 ,,call4 ,i'm ,jule ,call1 and my brother's name is ,bill ,call4 ,,teacher4 ,your brother can speak for himself4 ,it is very improper to say ,jule and ,bill2 you should say ,julius4 ,now1 what is your name8 ,j4 ,c4 ,julius ,call1 sir4 ,,teacher4 ,next8 ,b4 ,,call4 ,bilious ,call1 sir4 ,,teacher4 ,what1 sir6 ,b4 ,c4 ,bilious ,call4 7,in surprise47 ,,teacher4 ,there is no such proper name as ,bilous4 ,your name is probably ,william4 ,j4 ,c4 ,he's my brother ,bill anyway1 and ef ,i'm ,julius he's ,bilious1 ain't we8 ,,teacher4 ,silence ,i want no impudence from any of my pupils4 7,,julius1 silenced but not convinced1 shakes his head and gesticulates to his friends1 all of whom show him their sympathy with his views47 ,what is your name1 my dear8 ,z4 ,s4 ,zenobia ,snellings1 may it please you1 sir4 7,makes low courtesy47 ,,teacher4 ,are you a native of this place8 ,z4 ,s4 ,yes1 sir--part of the year4 ,,teacher4 ,part of the year6 ,what do you mean8 ,z4 ,s4 ,vacations ,i spend with ,aunt ,nancy at 4 7,supply a neighboring town47 7,interruption in the shape of ,,daniel ,,webster ,,tomkins1 who rushes in out of breath and trips over the threshold1 upsetting lunch basket1 revealing contents47 ,d4 ,w4 ,t4 ,has bell rang8 ,,teacher 7severely pointing to the door74 ,try that again1 ,daniel4 ,d4 ,w4 ,t4 ,i got enough of it that time4 ,let some other feller try it4 7,rubbing knees and elbows47 ,,teacher4 ,sit down1 sir4 ,d4 ,w4 ,t4 ,wait till ,i pick up some of these cold wittles round here4 ,,teacher 7resuming74 ,next1 what shall ,i call you8 ,v4 ,m4 ,w4 ,venus ,matildy ,weeks4 ,i'm her sister4 7,pointing47 ,,teacher4 ,her name's ,snellings and yours ,weeks2 how's that8 ,v4 ,m4 ,w4 ,well1 we didn't used to be any relation1 but we married her mother--me and my father4 ,,teacher4 ,oh1 ,i see a second marriage4 ,who are you8 7,silence47 ,i mean the boy with red hair4 7,boys nudge and girls giggle47 ,c4 ,c4 ,f4 7rising slowly47 ,c-,c-,c-,christopher ,c-,c-,c-,colum-b-b-b-bus ,f-,f-,fitts4 ,i st-st-st-stutter6 7,sitting47 ,,teacher4 ,ah6 do you8 ,c4 ,c4 ,f4 7rising slowly74 ,ye-ye-yes1 sir6 s-s-s-s-sometimes4 7,sitting47 ,,teacher4 ,next6 ,b4 ,f4 ,s4 7drawling74 ,my father knows you4 ,he used ter go to school with you4 ,says you and him played hookey one day and tumbled inter the mill-pond--and--he6 he6 ye both got a flogging6--,my name's ,benjamin ,franklin ,squeers1 like my father's4 7,scholars titter47 ,,teacher4 ,that will do1 ,benjamin ,franklin4 ,your father evidently had some one else in mind4 ,the class may sing the multiplication table4 7,class sing ,five times one are five1 etc41 to the tune of ,yankee ,doodle47 ,,teacher4 ,you may now all take your books and slates4 ,the infant class may pass out on the floor4 ,you may look at the words on the board and get ready to read them4 7,class forms a semicircle in front of teacher's desk or board4 ,teacher writes the following on board37 #a4 ,herod the tetrarch4 #b4 ,this is a worm2 do not tread on it4 #c4 ,this is the heir2 come1 let us kill him4 ,,first ,,boy 7reads slowly74 ,he--rode--the--,don't know that word4 ,,teacher4 ,didn't ,i tell you to study while ,i was writing8 ,,boy4 ,yes1 sir4 7,crying47 ,,teacher4 ,then go on4 ,,boy4 ,boo-hoo6 ,i can't read it4 ,,teacher4 ,try it again immediately4 ,,boy4 ,he 7boo-hoo67 rode--the--tater--cart6 7,weeps profusely47 ,,teacher4 ,next scholar read it4 ,,girl4 ,herod--the--the--the 7is prompted by someone7 the tetrarch4 ,,teacher4 ,very good4 ,next boy1 the second sentence4 ,,boy4 ,this--is--a--warm--,this--is--a--warm-- doughnut--tread on it4 ,,teacher 7presenting dunce cap74 ,put that on and stand in the corner4 7,boy scuffs to corner1 where he spends his time throwing spitballs and eating doughnuts1 thrown him by pupils when the teacher is not looking47 ,next read4 7,boy steps up to ask teacher about an example47 ,,girl 7prompted by one of the boys74 ,thith ith a wurrum4 ,be--careful--not--to--tread--on--it 7again prompted71 or it will bite you4 ,,teacher 7to boy74 ,you have multiplied wrong4 ,let me see3 five times nine are forty-five1 put down the five and carry the four1 etc4 7,class push and pull1 but straighten into line when the teacher looks up47 ,next read4 ,,boy4 ,this--is--the--hair--comb4 ,let--us--kill--him6 ,,teacher4 ,i am ashamed of you4 ,does c-o-m-e spell comb8 7,sends boy with slate to his seat47 ,hands up--those who can tell me what it does spell4 ,well1 ,john8 ,,john4 ,it spells come4 ,,teacher4 ,right4 ,you may read it4 ,,john4 ,this--is--the--hair4 ,come--let--us--kill--him4 ,ow-oo-oo6 7,dancing round47 ,,teacher4 ,well1 ,john6 ,what's the matter8 ,,john4 ,somebody pulled my hair6 ,,teacher 7severely74 ,who pulled ,john's hair8 ,,pupil4 ,i did2 ,i couldn't help it4 7,hanging head47 ,,teacher4 ,couldn't help pulling hair6 ,that is a likely story4 ,you may pass to the foot4 ,,pupil4 ,no1 ,i couldn't4 ,i went to raise my hand and his hair was right in the way4 7,scuffs to foot47 ,,teacher4 ,i will try you on one more sentence1 and if you cannot read that properly you must take your seats and study4 7,writes3 ,stephen says that the girls are knitting47 ,next read4 ,,pupil4 ,step-hen6 7,hands of class go up47 ,,teacher4 ,wrong6 ,next6 7,is interrupted by boy who wants a drink4 ,two boys are appointed to get a bucket of water and pass it to the others in tin cups47 ,,next ,,pupil4 ,stephen--says--that--the--girls--are--k issing4 7,boys laugh47 ,,girl 7indignantly74 ,he didn't read that right6 ,,teacher4 ,very well4 ,you may read it4 ,,girl 7still unmollified74 ,stephen says that girls are kittens4 7,teacher sends class to seats in disgrace to study their lesson47 ,,boy 7in seat74 ,teacher1 how many is five less one8 ,,teacher4 ,think that out yourself4 ,if there were five crows in ,squire ,green's field and you should shoot one1 how many would there be left8 ,,boy4 ,only one4 ,,teacher4 ,what8 ,think again4 ,,boy4 ,the other four would fly off1 wouldn't they8 ,,girl 7raising hand74 ,how many scruples are there in a drachm8 ,,teacher4 ,jonathan1 tell ,maria how many scruples there are in a drachm4 ,,jonathan4 ,don't know1 only that ma said as how pa took his dram every morning without any scruples4 ,i guess some drams don't have no scruples4 ,,teacher4 ,both of you refer to your tables4 ,,girl 7raising hand74 ,teacher1 why does an elephant have a trunk8 ,,boy 7raising hand74 ,so's't he'd be an elephant1 of course6 ,,teacher4 ,i will now hear the class in history4 7,they pass out to places1 the boys trying to get a drink on the way47 ,the first scholar may tell me something about ,christopher ,columbus4 ,,first ,,girl4 ,christopher was once a little boy like me--no1 ,i mean he was a little girl like me--no1 ,i don't6--well1 he went to school like me anyway4 ,his mother's name was ,geneva4 ,,boy4 ,hoh6 ,it wasn't either4 ,that was his father's name4 ,,another ,,girl4 ,teacher1 wasn't ,geneva where he was born8 ,,teacher4 ,yes1 ,mary1 go on4 ,,mary4 ,somebody bought him a yacht or a steamer1 ,i believe1 and one ,friday he sailed over here to ,america and asked us if we had been discovered yet1 and we told him ,no4 ,all right1 he said1 you have4 ,so he took some of our ,indians home with him to tell the king that they had been discovered1 and we named the ,united ,states after him4 ,,teacher4 ,that is right in the main4 ,one or two points ,i might take exceptions to4 ,the next may take ,george ,washington and tell us about him4 7,is interrupted by a boy in seat who raises his hand and asks how many days there are in a year47 ,who can tell ,julius how many days in a year8 ,,venus4 ,three hundred and sixty-five days and a fourth4 ,,boy4 ,what d'ye mean by a fourth8 ,,daniel4 ,fourth of ,july1 of course6 ,,teacher4 ,we will hear the next scholar4 ,,pupil4 ,george was born in ,washington1 ,d4,c41 and was named for that city4 ,c4 ,c4 ,,fitts4 ,w-w-what d-d-does d-d-d-,d4,c4 m-mean8 ,,pupil4 ,down ,south1 don't it1 teacher8 ,,teacher4 ,go on with your recitation4 ,you ask too many questions4 ,,pupil4 ,his mother's maiden name was ,miss ,hatchet--and his father's maiden name was ,george4 ,,teacher4 ,next1 go on4 ,,second ,,pupil4 ,when ,washington wasn't fighting he lived on the top of ,mount ,vernon1 and his tomb is in one side of the mountain4 ,,teacher4 ,what day is celebrated as his birthday8 ,,all 7eagerly74 ,the ,twenty-second of ,february6 ,,teacher4 ,why should his birthday be celebrated any more than mine8 7,thoughtful silence47 ,,girl 7raising hand triumphantly74 ,because he never told a lie6 ,,teacher4 ,you may take your seat until you can be more respectful to your elders4 ,,scholar 7at back of room1 or near door74 ,say1 teacher1 there's somebody knocking at the door4 ,i guess it's the committee6 ,,teacher4 ,class1 toe the line6 ,scholars1 if any one of you gets out of order while the committee is here ,i'll flog you6 ,do you understand8 ,,chorus4 ,yes1 sir6 ,,teacher4 ,martha ,washington ,hibbs1 you may open the door4 7,enter ,,mrs4 ,,crane with her son by the ear47 ,,mrs4 ,,crane4 ,i've brought him1 ,mr4 ,snodgrass6 ,neow1 ,seth ,crane1 you miserable little truant you1 jest go and set deown in that ere seat and behave yourself as ef you hed some bringing-up1 or you'll get it when you get home--and you sha'n't go out to play for a week4 ,do you hear8 ,,seth 7boo-hooing74 ',tain't my seat6 ,it belongs to a gerrul6 ,my seat's over there4 ,,mrs4 ,,crane4 ,you go set deown1 or ,i'll put ye deown4 7,,seth sits47 ,neow1 ,mr4 ,snodgrass1 ,i jest want you tu make my son behave1 and ef he don't1 ,i want yeou to flog him6--not enough to hurt him1 for he's a very delicate child1 and ,i wouldn't hev the dear boy hurt for nothing2 but easy like1 just enough to make him mind4 7,wiping her eyes47 ,he is a most affectionate boy--,seth1 dear1 go right to studying 7to ,,seth1 who growls1 ,i won't7--and more easily led than driven4 ,but he's so nervous6 ,i'm afraid he'll never live to grow up4 ,whenever you see him whispering or playing in school1 ,mr4 ,snodgrass1 you may be sure it's all nervousness4 ,he was a-goin' to play truant to-day1 because he thinks you don't like him6 ,what a be-u-tiful school you have--sech handsome-looking boys and girls4 ,,teacher 7offering chair74 ,yes1 a very fine school for these parts4 ,won't you be seated8 ,,mrs4 ,,crane4 ,mercy sakes alive6 no4 ,my punkin pies'll be burned to cinders1 all on account o' that vagabond a-settin' there and grinnin' 7shaking a warning finger at him7--ef ,i don't give you a walloping when you get hum6--,call reound1 ,mr4 ,snodgrass1 and git some o' eour new apple juice4 ,jeremiah'll be glad tu hev ye4 ,good-mornin'4 ,,teacher4 ,i thank you1 ma'am4 ,i will with pleasure4 ,good-morning4 7,exit ,,mrs4 ,,crane1 with a card reading ,,back ,,shortly pinned on her back by some mischievous scholar47 ,,boy 7in seat74 ,what does c-u-t-i-c-l-e mean8 ,,teacher4 ,what have you all over your hands and face8 ,,boy4 ,freckles4 ,,teacher4 ,well1 that is not what ,i was thinking of ,christopher6 ,c4 ,c4 ,,fitts4 ,i g-g-guess it's d-d-dirt6 ,,teacher4 ,there's a dictionary somewhere in the schoolhouse4 ,you may hunt it up and look for that word4 7,the two boys1 appearing tired and discouraged1 start on their quest1 looking in the most unlikely places1 even on the nails where pupils' garments are hung4 ,the quest should be a quiet one1 the fun lying in its utter hopelessness47 ,,boy 7in seat74 ,i don't understand this question4 7,reads47 ,a milkman spilled a pint of milk out of an eight-gallon can1 how much milk was left8 ,,second ,,boy 7in seat74 ,hoh6 that's easy4 ,there wasn't none left4 ,,teacher4 ,explain4 ,,second ,,boy4 ',cause the rest was water4 ,,teacher 7resuming74 ,the next may tell me about some ,bible character4 ,who was ,esau8 ,,pupil4 ,esau lived six hundred years before ,christ4 ,he wrote fables for a living1 and sold the copyright of them for a bottle of potash4 ,,girl 7raising hand74 ,i thought it was sop that wrote fables4 ,,boy 7raising hand74 ,and didn't ,esau sell his birthright1 or was it copyright8 ,,boy 7in seat1 raising hand74 ,it says in my book that some of the stars are bigger'n the earth2 'tain't true1 is it8 ,,teacher4 ,certainly4 ,why not8 ,,boy4 ',cause why don't they keep the rain off1 then8 ,c4 ,c4 ,,fitts4 ',c-c-cause they're round and the r-r-r-rain s-s-slides off onto us6 7,other hands are raised47 ,,girl4 ,what's the capital of ,turkey8 ,,teacher4 ,can you answer that1 ,john8 ,,john 7who has been inattentive74 ,it hasn't any capital4 ,pa says it's bankrupt4 ,,boy4 ,if you multiply forty-two apples by six pounds of beef the answer'll be mince pies1 won't it8 ,,teacher 7to scholars in seats74 ,class1 can two concrete numbers be multiplied together8 ,,chorus4 ,no1 sir6 ,,boy4 ,i don't see anything concrete about apples1 or beef either4 ,,girl4 ,does the ,isthmus of ,panama connect the north and south pole8 ,,teacher4 ,look at your map and see4 ,,girl4 ,does s-l-o-u-g-h spell slough8 ,,teacher4 ,yes4 ,,girl4 ,then c-o-u-g-h spells cow1 doesn't it8 ,,teacher4 ,no1 that spells cough4 ,,girl4 ,b-o-u-g-h spells buff1 then1 and p-l-o-u-g-h1 pluff8 ,,teacher4 ,no1 bough and plough are the words you have spelled4 ,,girl4 ,then does d-o-u-g-h spell dow1 or duff1 or doff8 ,,teacher4 ,it spells neither2 your last word is dough4 ,,girl4 ,is r-o-u-g-h row1 or row1 or roff8 o as in mow1 o as in how ,,teacher4 ,none of them4 ,it is rough4 ,,girl 7in despair74 ,well1 how can you tell8 ,,scholar 7near door74 ,teacher1 ,i just seen the committee1 ,squire ,small1 coming down the hill past ,squire ,green's barn4 7,laughing47 ,he tried to jump the wall and tumbled over it4 ,i guess his rheumatiz caught him4 ,,teacher 7hastily74 ,this class may take their seats4 7,rap at door47 ,all who are out of their seats may return to them4 ,remember what ,i said about disorder4 ,heads erect4 ,remember your manners4 ,maria ,sophrony1 the door4 7,enter ,,committee-,,man2 all rise47 ,,chorus 7drawling74 ,good-morning--,mr4 ,committee-man6 ,,com4 ,good-mornin'1 boys and gals6 ,good-mornin'1 ,mr4 ,snodgrass4 7,shakes hands47 ,thought ,i'd jest drap in to examine ye1 bein' the deestrict committee1 an' see how the edification was gettin' on4 ,i spose ye hev 'ritin' an' riffentick an' readin' every day8 7,a boy begins to draw a caricature of the visitor on black board at back47 ,,teacher4 ,oh1 yes1 yes1 every day1--that is1 we shall after we get fully started2 but it's rather early in the term to examine1 isn't it8 ,,com4 ,no6--no6--an' histery1 an' filoserpy1 an' quotations1 an' flirtations1 an' kerdrilles1 an' all them things4 ,,teacher4 ,yes1 yes2 that is1 most of them4 ,,com4 7severely74 ,most on 'em1 ,mr4 ,snodgrass8 ,don't ye hev 'em all8 ,,teacher4 ,oh1 yes6 all you would approve of4 ,,com4 ,wal1 s'pose ye call out a class and let me examine 'em4 7,takes off coat and seats himself1 placing his hat on floor47 ,,teacher4 ,what will you have1 geography or spelling8 ,,com4 ,wal1 yeou jest hand me a spellin'-book an' ,i'll put 'em through a course o' sprouts on that4 ,,teacher4 ,first class in spelling1 rise and take places4 7,a general scramble for places47 ,,first ,,pupil4 ,teacher1 ,i'm head4 ,i got above him yesterday4 ,,second ,,pupil4 ,he didn't4 ,i spelled catalepsy first and got above him4 7,trying to pass47 ,,teacher4 ,thomas ,henry1 take the head2 the other two may go to the foot4 7,both go down and scramble for the foot47 ,,third ,,pupil4 ,thomas ,henry pinched me4 ,,teacher4 ,he may go to the foot also4 ,,third ,,pupil 7dancing on one foot1 holding the other in his hands74 ,ow6 he trod on my foot4 ,,thomas ,,henry4 ,he shouldn't have such big feet4 ,i couldn't stop to go round4 ,,teacher4 ,thomas ,henry1 you may stop after school and ,i'll remind you of a little promise ,i made a while ago4 7,,one and ,,two rejoice in dumb show over ,,thomas ,,henry',s downfall47 ,julius1 stand erect4 ,mary1 take that gum out of your mouth4 ,bring that apple to me4 ,all1 toe the line4 ,attention6 ,,com4 ,neow1 scholars1 there is one thing ,i'm very pertickler 'bout1 and that is pronounc-ation4 ,i want every one on ye tu be keerful on that one p'int4 ,the fust word is charitable4 ,,head ,,pupil 7slowly74 ,c-h-a-i-r1 char--i-t1 it--charit--t-a1 ta--charita--b-u-l1 ble--charitable4 ,,com4 7examining book closely74 ,wrong6 ,next6 ,,second ,,pupil 7with spirit74 ,c-h-a-i-r spells chair1 and t-a-b-l-e spells table1 and i-t spells it2 therefore1 c-h-a-i-r-i-t-t-a-b-l-e spells charitable4 ,,com4 7doubtfully74 ,wal1 that's putty straight reasonin'1 an' ,i reckon you're right1 though 'tain't jest like the book4 ,take your place4 ,next1 merlasses4 ,,third ,,pupil4 ,m-e-r1 mer4 ,,fourth ,,pupil 7raising hand74 ',tain't merlasses2 it's molasses4 ,,com4 7examining book74 ,i reckon ,i've seen more merlasses than you ever seen an' oughter know what it is by this time4 ,merlasses1 ,i said1 an' merlasses it shall be4 ,,third ,,pupil4 ,please1 sir1 ,i can't spell it4 ,,com4 ,why not8 ,,third ,,pupil4 ,i ain't got no book4 ,,com4 ,where is your book8 ,,third ,,pupil4 ,i dropped it into a mud-puddle on the way to school1 and the lesson come out4 ,,com4 ,next4 ,,fourth ,,pupil4 ,m-o-l-a-s-s-e-s1 molasses4 ,,com4 ,that don't sound jest right1 but you've got the book on your side1 so ,i s'pose it's all right4 ,take yer place6 7,,number ,,four is tripped by ,,number ,,three47 ,neow ,i'd like tu see a leetle writin'4 ,the next may take the word squanders and put it in a sentence on the blackboard4 7,,number ,,five writes in a legible schoolboy hand1 ,the boy squanders round a good deal4 ,,fifth ,,pupil reads what he has written47 ,,com4 ,very good4 ,the next may take cornice in the same way4 7,after a good deal of erasing he writes3 ,i will meat you on the cornice4 ,,sixth ,,pupil reads what he has written47 ,,com4 ,the next ken take lionized1 and the next spinster4 ,,seventh ,,pupil 7writes and reads74 ,daniel was lionized in the lions' den4 ,,eighth ,,pupil 7writes and reads74 ,seth ,crane is a spinster4 ,,com4 ,wall1 ,i hed an idee that a spinster was allus a woman4 7,scratching his head47 ,,eighth ,,pupil4 ,my book says that er means one who1 and anyway baker means one who bakes1 and builder means one who builds--and-- ,,first ,,pupil4 ,does ,quaker mean one who quakes8 ,,com4 ,that ain't to the p'int1 as ,i ken see6 ,,eighth ,,pupil4 ,well1 a spinster is one who spins1 ain't it8 ,,com4 ,mebbe1 mebbe6 ,but heow ken ye say that of ,seth ,crane1 that never did a useful thing in his life8 ,,eighth ,,pupil4 ,i should think that any fellar that spins a top 'ud be a spinster4 ,,com4 ,wal1 you've got me there1 youngster4 ,i reckon ye're right4 ,next1 tell me the meaning of excruciating4 ,,girl 7glibly74 ,excruciating means that natural and peculiar prohibition of undulatory and molecular attraction which encompasses the plausibility of capillary promulgation and gelatinous hyperbole1 while giving an enallage of paradigms4 ,,com4 ,that's a likely gal4 ,you'll make a good housekeeper one of these days4 ,ef my wife hed sech a mem'ry as that1 ,i shouldn't carry her letters in my pocket tu weeks before mailin' 'em4 ,,same ,,pupil4 ,yes1 sir2 thank you1 sir4 ,but ,i don't quite understand what it means by encompassing the plausibility of capillary promulgation6 ,,com4 ,oh--ahem6--that is very simple--ahem6 ahem6 in fact it is simplicity itself4 ,it means--it means--well1 ,i don't want to overtax your young brain1 my dear1 so ,i will not explain now2 but one of these days1 when you are as wise as me and your teacher1 you will understand all these profound thoughts4 ,hain't that so1 ,mr4 ,snodgrass8 ,next1 terbacker4 ,,seventh ,,pupil4 ,t-e-r1 ter--b-a-c-k1 back--terback--k-e-r1 ker--terbacker4 ,a poisonous leaf with niggertine in it2 and ef the niggertine gets into the cistern1 it'll kill a man quicker'n a dog4 ,,first ,,pupil4 ,i don't believe it's a poison4 ,my brother smokes and he ain't dead2 'nd my father's fifty years old 'nd he's smoked for most forty years 'nd he ain't dead yet4 ,,fourth ,,pupil4 ,pooh6 ,that's nothing4 ,ef your father hedn't smoked1 he mighter been a hundred by this time4 ,,eighth ,,pupil4 ,my grandfather's ninety years old and he's smoked too6 ,,fourth ,,pupil4 ,well1 and ef my grandfather was alive he'd be a hundred and fifty years old6 ,so that don't prove nothing4 ,,third ,,pupil4 ,tobacco ain't no poisoner nor pickles1 anyhow4 7,groan from the girls47 ,i went into the store t'other day to get some pickles for ma1 and a feller--he was one o' them city chaps that sells things--and he said1 ,you ain't going to eat them sour green things1 are you8 and ,i said1 ,no1 ,i hain't2 why8 ,and he told me of a girl seventeen years old who eat pickuls and died6 7,horrified look on girls' faces47 ,and they opened her stummick and them pickuls had turned everything in it tu glass66 7,confusion and whispering among the girls4 ,they indignantly shake their heads and say1 ,i don't believe it1 etc41 etc47 ,,com4 ,order6 7,pounding table47 ,order6 ,the next may explain phenomena4 ,,girl 7glibly74 ,phenomena is that immaculate preponderance of preternatural possibility as to make an exaggerated conception of auxiliary precedents1 and oleaginous metamorphosis into an indivisible synthetical analysis4 ,,com4 ,that's putty good4 ,you hev exceeded my suspicions and ,i am disguised that yu should du so well4 ,this is the most supernatural class ,i ever seen4 ,mr4 ,snodgrass1 ,i congratterlate you on sech ambiguous pupils4 ,gee there now and take yer seats4 7,class pass to seats47 ,neow yeou ain't got no little song you can sing1 hev ye8 ,,chorus4 ,yes1 yes1 our ,motion ,song6 ,,com4 ,wal1 ,i wouldn't mind hearing it1 ,mr4 ,snodgrass1 ef it's conwenient4 ,,teacher4 ,you may all put away your books4 ,,boy 7laughing74 ,he6 he6 he6 ,,teacher4 ,robert1 stand6 ,explain what you were laughing at4 ,,robert 7half laughing and half crying74 ,nappy ,jones says that ,seth ,green's striped stockings make him look like a barber's pole6 ,,com4 7laughing74 ,wal1 he's only a leetle shaver1 anyhow6 ,ain't that so1 ,seth8 ,,seth4 ,yes sir6 7,doubling up fists and threatening ,n4 ,,jones47 ,you jest wait till ,i ketch you after school6 7,said in an undertone47 ,,teacher4 ,robert1 go out in the shed and chop to-morrow's wood4 ,i'll excuse you the rest of the morning4 7,exit ,,robert47 ,,seth4 ,teacher1 can ,i help him8 ,,teacher4 ,yes4 7,exit ,,seth1 who grimaces at ,,jones as he goes out47 7,the ,,teacher now takes tuning-fork and gives the pitch4 ,the new scholars1 without creating any disturbance1 can make ludicrous attempts to take the movements with the others4 ,as the singing begins the ,,committee-,,man rises1 whereupon a boy immediately takes his hat from the floor and puts it in the chair he has just vacated47 ,,recreation ,,song4 ,,tune4--,when ,johnny comes marching home again4-- ,,motions4 7#a47 ,school rise and stand erect4 7#b47 ,raise hands ready to strike4 7#c47 ,clap hands in correct time4 7#d47 ,turn round twice while repeating this line4 7#e47 ,tread1 left and right foot4 7#f47 ,right arm across waist1 left at side4 7#g47 ,touch right hand to forehead1 like military salute4 7#h47 ,keep marching time with feet4 7#i47 ,raise hands1 palms out1 spread fingers4 7#aj47 ,hands on hips1 elbows out1 look sideways at each other4 7#aa47 ,make a low bow4 7#ab47 ,hop lightly on each foot4 7#ac47 ,let arms hang and swing4 7#ad47 ,fold arms1 grow sleepy4 7#ae47 ,drop heads4 7#af47 ,glide into seats1 sing slowly and softly1 nodding heads1 and diminishing tone gradually to last note1 finally resting arms on the desks and supporting heads asleep4 ,after a moment of dead silence1 teacher may strike bell suddenly1 when all must raise heads 7#ag47 and hands as if frightened and go on 7all seated74 7#ah47 ,rub eyes with knuckles4 7#ai47 ,take books hurriedly4 7#bj47 ,turn leaves quickly with thumbs4 7#ba47 ,throw heads from side to side with careless good-nature4 ,the last line of every verse should be repeated4 7#a47 ,with shoulders erect and toes turned out1 ,hurrah6 ,hurrah6 ,now let us in unison gayly shout1 ,hurrah6 ,hurrah6 7#b47 ,with hands upraised as we sing the rhyme1 7#c47 ,we strike them together to keep the time1 3 7#d47 ,and we'll wheel quite round while singing our motion song4 3 7#e47 ,now left and right we'll march along1 ,hurrah6 ,hurrah6 ,we fill the air with our merry song1 ,hurrah6 ,hurrah6 7#f47 ,we carry our muskets like heroes of old1 7#g47 ,saluting our captain so brave and so bold1 3 7#h47 ,and we march1 march1 march while singing our motion song4 3 7#i47 ,our fingers and thumbs are eight and two1 ,hurrah6 ,hurrah6 ,there's plenty of work for them to do1 ,hurrah6 ,hurrah6 7#aj47 ,with elbows akimbo and looks so shy1 7#aa47 ,we bow to our partners so gracefully1 3 7#ab47 ,and we hop and dance while singing our motion song43 7#ac47 ,as back and forth our arms we throw1 ,heigh-ho6 ,heigh-ho6 ,it's pretty hard work now1 you may know1 ,heigh-ho6 ,heigh-ho6 7#ad47 ,for trying our best our eyes open to keep1 7#ae47 ,we drop all our heads as if going to sleep1 3 7#af47 ,and we nod1 nod1 nod1 while singing our motion song43 7#ag47 ,what terrible noise is that we hear8 ,dear me6 ,dear me6 7#ah47 ,we've all been snoozing1 that's quite clear4 ,dear me6 ,dear me6 7#ai47 ,so let us take books and be ready for work1 7#bj47 ,for we are not willing our lessons to shirk1 3 7#ba47 ,though it's jolly good fun1 when singing our motion song43 ,,com4 ,very good1 children1 very good4 ,yew hev a very well behaved school1 ,mr4 ,snodgrass4 7,sits down on his hat1 crushing it all out of shape4 ,pupils all laugh4 ,,com4 picks it up and points at it indignantly4 ,,teacher apologizes in pantomime4 ,,com4 resentfully turns and starts to set it on the stove1 but burns himself in so doing4 ,pupils laugh4 ,,com4 shakes his fist at them and exits angrily47 ,,boy 7raising hand74 ,teacher1 ,matildy ,weeks keeps laughing at me4 ,,teacher4 ,you shouldn't look at her1 then4 ,,boy4 ,she'll laugh to some other feller ef ,i don't4 7,grins47 7,,girl near ,,christopher ,,columbus ,,fitts laughs aloud47 ,,teacher4 ,mehitable1 was that you laughed8 ,,mehit4 ,yes1 sir4 ,i couldn't help it4 7,laughs47 ,christopher ,columbus asked me if ,i loved carrots4 7,all look at ,c4 ,c41 who is vainly trying to hide an immense carrot by putting it in his pocket47 ,,teacher4 ,bring that this way1 sir4 ,c4 ,c4 ,f4 7presenting the carrot74 ,y-y-you c-c-c-can h-h-have it6 ,i d-d-d-don't want it6 ,,teacher4 ,i think the best punishment ,i can give you1 ,christopher1 for your disobedience is to make you eat it before the class4 ,,chris4 7in dismay74 ,i d-d-didn't b-b-b-b-b-bring it t-t-to eat m-m-myself4 ,the d-d-doctor s-s-s-said ,i m-mustn't eat one more c-c-c-c-carrot4 ,if ,i d-d-did ,i would d-d-die6 ,i d-d-don't want to d-d-die6 7,crying47 ,,teacher4 ,i'll let you off on one condition1 and that is that you'll bring a cabbage to-morrow morning to go with it4 ,,chris4 ,y-yes1 s-sir4 ,i'll bring t-t-t-two6 7,is sent to seat1 rejoicing47 ,,boy4 ,is ,squire ,small's cane a piece of the ,north ,pole8 ,,teacher4 ,joseph1 when will you ever learn anything8 ,if you studied your lessons you never would ask such a question4 ,,joseph4 ,i didn't see nothing 'bout ,squire ,small's cane in my book4 ,,teacher4 ,i told you to prepare a composition for to-day4 ,how many are ready8 7,no response for a second2 then boy near ,,jones points at him and says1 ,nappy ,jones has4 ,,jones shakes his head and pretends that he hasn't1 until called out by the teacher1 when he produces from his pocket a strip of paper about two yards long which he proceeds to unroll4 ,the top is tied with a strip of bright-colored calico in imitation of graduation essays4 ,he makes an awkward bow to the audience and reads37 ,,composition ,,on ,,boys4 7,i didn't want ter write this compersition1 but pa said ,i must 'cause he wants me ter be a lawyer one of these days4 ,this is a hard world fur boys1 anyway4 ,it doesn't make no diffrunce what a boy does or says1 he's sure ter get inter trouble47 ',tain't so with girls4 ,everything girls does is right4 ,i wish't ,i was a girl4 ,i'm the only boy in our family1 'nd it's a awful responsibility to be the only boy4 ,i've got three sisters1 but they're all girls4 ,sis and ,tom ,golder took me to the city t'other day1 and we took our dinner at a bang-up hotel1 ,i tell you4 ,when the waiter arsked me ef ,i'd hev the bill of fare ,i said1 ,thank you1 jest as perlite as ,i knew how1 but it made ,sis mad b'cause ,i told him ,only a little piece1 please4 ,how'd ,i know what it was1 when they hev sech outlandish names fur things6 ,tom larfed and larfed2 but ,i told the waiter he mustn't mind him2 he was my sister's feller1 and ,i guessed he warn't used ter city ways2 but he was all right and as rich as a ,jew4 ,everybody but ,sis at that was hotel seemed good-natured4 ,the waiter was orful jolly1 too4 ,i pointed out to him a sickly-looking chap--,tom said he was a dude--at an opposite table and told him that dude was eating the bouquet1 and how that feller larft6 ,he said it was only celery1 and wouldn't ,i like some1 but ,i told him1 ,no1 thank you1 ,i'd ruther hev my greens cooked4 ,on the way home ,sis took off her hat and put it on the seat in front of her1 without saying anything to me about it4 ,ov course when ,i sot down that hat was right under me and feather 'nd all was jambed flatter'n a pancake4 ,tom larfed1 but ,sis didn't4 ,he said he guessed ,i thort ,i was a-sittin' on the style4 ,when ,i got home ,i felt's if ,i'd been a-settin' on a hornet's nest4 ,pa's the most onreasonable man ,i ever seen6 ,he told me one day not ter pick another flower outer the garding without leave2 so next time ,i was jest as keerful as ,i could be 'nd picked 'em all with leaves4 ,perhaps you won't believe it1 but ,i got a thrashing fur that4 ,then one dark night1 as pa and me went out ter the barn1 pa run against a post1 and he said he wished that darned post was in the lower regions2 but ,i told him he'd better not wish it there1 fur he might run into it again4 ,but what's the use o' trying to help your relations8 ,i hed to go to bed a week right after supper1 jest fur that4 ,but ,i'd ruther do that than hev ma talk to me1 she's so orful sober about it4 ,she finished up a long talk last ,sunday night with1 ,i hev tried to give you every advantage1 ,napoleon1 and this is how you treat me2 and ,i said1 ,of course ,i wouldn't take advantage of my ma1 'nd ,i vum ef she didn't tell pa of that4 ,it's orful discouraging to be a boy4 ,i sha'n't try very much longer4 ,i shall be glad when ,i'm a lawyer1 'cause then ,i can be as wicked as ,i want to4 7,bows and returns to seat47 7,school then sings ,auld ,lang ,syne1 and having been dismissed by ,,teacher1 exeunt with characteristic noise47 ,,curtain4