----------------------------------------
--------- ,transcriber's note3          
,obvious typographic errors have been   
corrected4                              
----------------------------------------
---------   ,a ,,dominie ,,dismissed    
,,what ,,this ,,book ,,is ,,about4   ,in
 consequence of the ,dominie's          
go-as-you-please methods of educating   
village children1 the inevitable        
happens--he is dismissed1 giving place  
to an approved disciplinarian4  ,the    
unhappy ,dominie1 forced to leave his   
bairns1 seeks to enlist--but the doctor 
discovers that his lungs are affected1  
and he is ordered an open-air life4  ,he
 returns as a cattleman to the village  
where he has previously been a          
schoolmaster4 ,incidentally1 he watches 
the effect of his successor's teaching1 
the triumph of his own methods and the  
discomfiture of his rival at the hands  
of the children1 in whom the ,dominie   
cultivated personality and the rights of
 bairns4   ,,by ,,the ,,same ,,author   

,a ,,dominie ,,abroad           #gs4    
#f;d4 net4      ,a ,,dominie',s ,,log   
#bs4 #f;d4 net4      ,a ,,dominie ,,in  
,,doubt         #bs4 #f;d4 net4         
,,the ,,booming ,,of ,,bunkie      #bs4 
#f;d4 net4      ,,carroty ,,broon       
#bs4 #f;d4 net4     ,a ,,dominie        
,,dismissed  ,,by ,a4 ,s4 ,,neill       
,,herbert ,,jenkins ,,limited ,,york    
,,street ,,st4 ,,james',s ,s4,w4#a4     
,illustration3 ,a ,,herbert ,,jenkins'  
,,book  ,printed in ,great ,britain at  
the ,athenum ,printing ,works1 ,redhill 
,,to ,,the ,,original ,,of ,,margaret   
,a ,,dominie ,,dismissed     ,i4   ,i   
have packed all my belongings4 ,my trunk
 and two big boxes of books stand in the
 middle of a floor littered with papers 
and straw4 ,i had my typewriter         
carefully packed too1 but ,i took it    
from out its wrappings1 and ,i sit      
amidst the ruins of my room with my wee 
machine before me4 ,it is one of those  
little folding ones weighing about six  
pounds4  ,the ,london train goes at     

seven1 and it is half-past five now4 ,it
 was just ten minutes ago that ,i       
suddenly resolved to keep a diary 444   
only a dominie can keep a ,log1 and ,i  
am a dominie no longer4  ,i hear ,janet 
,brown's voice outside4 ,she is singing 
,keep the ,home ,fires ,burning 444 and 
she was in tears this afternoon4 ,the   
limmer ought to be at home weeping her  
dominie's departure4  ,yet 444 what is  
,janet doing at my window8 ,her home is 
a good two miles along the road4 ,i     
wonder if she has come to see me off4   
,yes1 she has2 ,i hear her cry to ,ellen
 ,smith3 ,he's packit1 ,ellen1 and ,aw  
hear him addressin' the labels on his   
typewriter4 ,the besom6  ,well1 well1   
children have short memories4 ,when     
,macdonald enters the room on ,monday   
morning they will forget all about me4  
,i know ,macdonald4 ,he is a decent sort
 to meet in a house1 but in school he is
 a stern one4 ,his chief drawback is his
 lack of humour4 ,i could swear that he 
will whack ,jim ,jackson for impudence  

before he is half an hour in the school4
  ,i met ,jim one night last week       
wheeling a box up from the station4  ,i 
say1 boy1 ,i called with a pronounced   
,piccadilly ,johnny accent1 heah1 boy6  
,can you direct me to the--er--village  
post-office8  ,he scratched his head and
 looked round him dubiously4  ,blowed if
 ,aw ken1 he said at last4 ,aw'm a      
stranger here4  ,yes1 ,macdonald will   
whack him4  ,i sent ,jim out yesterday  
to measure the rainfall 7there had been 
a fortnight's drought7 and he went out  
to the playground4 ,in ten minutes he   
returned looking puzzled4 ,he came to my
 desk and lifted an ,algebra book1 then 
he went to his seat and seemed to sweat 
over some huge calculation4 ,at length  
he came to me and announced that the    
rainfall was #ceghiid of an inch4 ,i    
went out to the playground 444 he had   
watered it with the watering-can4       
,there are no flies on you1 my lad1 ,i  
said4  ,no1 sir1 he smiled1 the flies   
don't come out in the rain4  ,yes1      

,macdonald is sure to whack him4  ,i    
shall miss ,jim4 ,i shall miss them all 
444 but ,jim most of all4 ,what about   
,janet8 ,and ,gladys8 ,and ,ellen8 ,and 
,jean8444 ,well1 then1 ,i'll miss ,jim  
most of all the boys4  ,i tried to avoid
 being melodramatic to-day4 ,it has been
 a queer day1 an expectant day4 ,they   
followed me with their eyes all day2 if 
an inspector had arrived ,i swear that  
he would have put me down as a good     
disciplinarian4 ,i never got so much    
attention from my bairns in my life4  ,i
 blew the ,fall in6 for the last time at
 the three o'clock interval4 ,janet and 
,ellen were late4 ,when they arrived    
they carried a wee parcel each4 ,they   
came forward to my desk and laid their  
parcels before me4  ,a present from your
 scholars1 said ,janet awkwardly4 ,i    
slowly took off the tissue paper and    
held up a bonny pipe and a crocodile    
tobacco-pouch4 ,i didn't feel like      
speaking1 so ,i took out my old pouch   
and emptied its contents into the new   

one2 then ,i filled the new pipe and    
placed it between my teeth4 ,a wee      
lassie giggled1 but the others looked on
 in painful silence4  ,i cleared my     
throat to speak1 but the words refused  
to come 444 so ,i lit the pipe4  ,that's
 better1 ,i said with forced            
cheerfulness1 and ,i puffed away for a  
little4  ,well1 bairns1 ,i began1 ,i    
am---- ,then ,barbara ,watson began to  
weep4 ,i frowned at ,barbara2 then ,i   
blew my nose4 ,confound ,barbara6       
,bairns1 ,i began again1 ,i am going    
away now4 ,janet's eyes began to look   
dim1 and ,i had to frown at her very    
hard2 then ,i had to turn my frown on   
,jean 444 and ,janet1 the besom1 took   
advantage of my divided attention4 ,i   
blew my nose again2 then ,i coughed just
 to show that ,i really did have a cold4
  ,i don't suppose any of you understand
 why ,i am going away1 but ,i'll try to 
tell you4 ,i have been dismissed by your
 fathers and mothers4 ,i haven't been a 
good teacher1 they say2 ,i have allowed 

you too much freedom4 ,i have taken you 
out sketching and fishing and playing2  
,i have let you read what you liked1 let
 you do what you liked4 ,i haven't      
taught you enough4 ,how many of you know
 the capital of ,bolivia8 ,you see1 not 
one of you knows4  ,please1 sir1 what is
 it8 asked ,jim ,jackson4  ,i don't know
 myself1 ,jim4  ,my pipe had gone out   
and ,i lit it again4  ,bairns1 ,i don't 
want to leave you all2 you are mine1 you
 know1 and the school is ours4 ,you and 
,i made the gardens and rockeries2 we   
dug the pond and we caught the trout and
 minnows and planted the water-plants4  
,we built the pigeon-loft and the       
rabbit-hutch4 ,we fed our pets together4
 ,we----  ,i don't know what happened   
after that4 ,i took out my handkerchief1
 but not to blow my nose4  ,the bugle1  
,i managed to say1 and someone shoved it
 into my hand4 ,then ,i played ,there's 
,no ,parade ,to-day1 but ,i don't think 
,i played it very well4  ,only a few    
went outside2 most of them sat and      

looked at me4  ,i must get ,jim to save 
the situation1 ,i said to myself1 and ,i
 shouted his name4  ,p-please1 sir1     
lisped ,maggie ,clark1 ,jim's standin'  
oot in the porch4  ,tell him to come in1
 ,i commanded4  ,maggie went out2 then  
she returned slowly4  ,p-please1 sir1   
he's standin' greetin' and he winna     
come4  ,damnation6 ,i cried1 and ,i     
bustled them from the room4  ,a         
quarter-past six6 ,it's time ,jim came  
for these boxes4                        
99       99       99  ,i am back in my  
old rooms in a small street off         
,hammersmith ,broadway4 ,my landlady1   
,mrs4 ,lewis1 is a lady of delightful   
garrulity1 and her comments on things   
to-day have served to cheer me up4 ,she 
is intensely interested in the fact that
 ,i have come from ,scotland1 and       
anxious to give me all the news of      
events that have happened during my     
sojourn in the wilds4  ,did you 'ear    
much abaht the war in ,scotland8 she    
said4  ,i looked my surprise4  ,war6    

,what war8  ,then she explained that    
,britain and ,france and ,russia and the
 ,allies were fighting against ,germany4
  ,now that ,i come to think of it1 ,i  
said reflectively1 ,i did see a lot of  
khaki about to-day4  ,down't you get the
 pypers in ,scotland8 she asked4        
,thousands of them1 ,mrs4 ,lewis2 why1  
every ,scot plays the pipes4  ,i mean   
the pypers1 not the pypers1 she         
explained4  ,oh1 ,i see6 ,we do get a   
few2 ,english travellers leave them in  
the trains1 you know4  ,she thought for 
a little4  ,it must be nice livin' in a 
plyce w'ere everyone knows everyone     
else4 ,my sister ,sally's married to a  
pynter in ,dundee1 ,peter ,macnab2 do   
you know 'im8  ,i explained that ,peter 
and ,i were almost bosom friends4 ,then 
she asked me whether ,i knew what his   
wage was4 ,i explained that ,i did not  
know4 ,she then told me how much he gave
 ,sally to keep house with1 and ,i began
 to regret my temerity in claiming a    
close acquaintance with the erring      

,peter4 ,mrs4 ,lewis at once began to   
recount the family history of the       
,macnabs1 and ,i blushed for the company
 ,i kept4  ,i decided to disown ,peter4 
,perhaps he'll behave better now that he
 has gone to ,glasgow1 ,i remarked4     
,but he ain't gone to ,glasgow6 she     
exclaimed4  ,i looked thoughtful4  ,ah6 
,i cried1 ,i've been thinking of the    
other ,peter ,macnab1 the painter in    
,lochee4  ,sally's 'usband lives in a   
plyce called ,magdalen ,green4  ,ah6 ,i 
understand now1 ,mrs4 ,lewis4 ,i've met 
that one too2 you're quite right about  
his character4  ,if ,i ever write a book
 of aphorisms ,i shall certainly include
 this one3 ,never claim an acquaintance 
with a lady's relations by marriage4  ,i
 wandered along ,fleet ,street to-day1  
the most fascinating street in ,london  
444 and the most disappointing4 ,to     
understand ,fleet ,street you must walk 
along the ,strand at midday4 ,the       
,londoner is the most childish creature 
on earth4 ,if a workman opens a drain   

cap the traffic is held up by the crowds
 who push forward to glimpse the pipes  
below4 ,if a black man walks along the  
,strand half a hundred people will      
follow him on the off chance that he may
 be ,jack ,johnson4 ,london is the most 
provincial place in ,britain4 ,i have   
eaten cookies in ,princes ,street in    
,edinburgh1 and ,i have eaten buns in   
,piccadilly4 ,the ,london audience was  
the greater4 ,audience6 the word derives
 from the ,latin audio3 ,i hear4 ,that  
won't do to describe my eating2         
spectators is the word4  ,i wandered    
about all day1 and the interests of the 
streets kept my thoughts away from that 
little station in the north4 ,now it is 
evening1 and my thoughts are free to    
wander4  ,a few of them would see       
,macdonald arrive to-day1 and ,i think  
that in wondering at him they will have 
forgotten me4 ,children live for the    
hour2 their griefs are as ephemeral as  
their joys1 and the ephemeralism of     
their emotion is as wonderful as its    

intensity4 ,a boy will bury his brother 
in the afternoon1 and scream at ,charlie
 ,chaplin in the evening4 ,he will      
forget ,charlie again1 though1 when he  
lies alone in the big double bed at     
night4  ,jim and ,janet and ,jean and   
the rest have loved me well1 but ,i have
 no illusions about their love4         
,children are painfully docile4 ,in two 
weeks they will accept ,macdonald's iron
 rule without question1 just as they    
accepted my absence of rule without     
question4 ,yet ,i wonder 4446 ,perhaps  
the love of freedom that ,i gave them   
will make them critical now4 ,i know    
that they gradually developed a keen    
sense of justice4 ,it was just a        
fortnight ago that ,peter ,shaw was     
reported to me as a slayer of young     
birds4 ,i formed a jury with ,jim       
,jackson as foreman1 and they called for
 witnesses4  ,gentlemen of the jury1    
your verdict8 ,i said4  ,jim stood up4  
,accused is acquitted 444 only one      
witness6  ,i used to see them weigh my  

actions critically1 and ,i had to be    
very particular not to show any sign of 
favouritism--a difficult task1 for a    
dominie is bound to like some bairns    
better than others4 ,will they apply    
this method to ,macdonald8 ,i rather    
think he will beat it out of them4 ,he  
is the type of dominie that stands for  
,authority with the capital ,a4 ,his    
whole bearing shouts3 ,i am the ,law4   
,what ,i say is right and not to be     
questioned4  ,my poor bairns6     ,,ii4 
,i went to ,richmond to-day1 hired a    
skiff1 and rowed up to ,teddington4 ,i  
tied the painter to a tuft of grass on  
the bank and lazed in the sunshine4 ,for
 a time ,i watched the boats go by1 and 
,i smiled at the windmill rowing of a   
boatload of young ,italians4 ,then a    
gilded youth went by feathering         
beautifully 444 and ,i smiled again1 for
 the ,italians seemed to be getting ever
 so much more fun out of their rowing   
than this artist got4  ,by and by the   
passers-by wearied me1 and ,i thought of

 my village up north4 ,the kirk would be
 in4 ,macdonald would probably be there1
 and the bairns would be glancing at him
 sidelong1 while ,i1 the failure1 lay in
 a boat among strangers4 ,i began to    
indulge in the luxury of self-pity2     
feeling oneself a martyr is not         
altogether an unpleasant sensation4  ,i 
turned my face to the bank and thought  
of what had taken place4 ,the villagers 
accused me of wasting their children's  
time1 but when ,i asked them what they  
would have me make their children do    
they were unable to answer clearly4     
,goad6 said ,peter ,steel the roadman1 a
 laddie needs to ken hoo to read and    
write and add up a bit sum4  ,just so1  
,i said4 ,when you go home to-night just
 try to help your ,jim with his algebra1
 will you8 ,i'll give you five pounds if
 you can beat him at arithmetic4  ,aw'm 
no sayin' that he doesna ken his work1  
he protested1 but ,aw want to ken what's
 the use o' a' this waste o' time       
pluckin' flowers and drawin' hooses4    

,you just let the bairns play themsells4
  ,that's what childhood is for1 ,i     
explained1 for playing and playing      
again4 ,in most schools the children    
work until they tire1 and then they     
play4 ,my system is the reverse2 they   
play until they are tired of play and   
then they work 444 ask for work4  ,i    
know that the villagers will never      
understand what ,i was trying to do4 ,my
 neighbour1 ,lawson of ,rinsley ,school1
 had a glimmering of my ideal4  ,i see  
your point1 he said1 but the fault of   
the system is this3 you are not         
preparing these children to meet the    
difficulties of life4 ,in your school   
they choose their pet subjects1 but in a
 factory or an office they've got to do 
work that they may hate4 ,i say that    
your kids will fail4  ,you aren't       
teaching them character1 he added4      
,lawson's criticism has made me think   
hard4 ,i grant that ,i am not an        
efficient producer of wage-slaves4 ,the 
first attribute of a slave is           

submission2 he must never question4     
,macdonald is the true wage-slave       
producer4 ,he sets up authority to      
destroy criticism1 and the children     
naturally accept their later slavery    
without question4 ,macdonald is the     
ideal teacher for the reactionists and  
the profiteers4  ,will my bairns shirk  
the difficulties of life8 ,there is ,dan
 ,mac,inch4 ,he shirked algebra2 he told
 me frankly that he didn't like it4 ,i  
said nothing1 and ,i allowed him to read
 while the others were working          
algebraical problems4 ,in less than a   
week he came to me4 ,please1 sir1 give  
me some algebra for home1 he said1 and  
in three weeks he was as good as any of 
them4 ,i hold that freedom does not     
encourage the shirking of difficulties4 
,i found that my bairns loved them4     
,some of them delighted in making them4 
,jim ,jackson would invent the most     
formidable sums and spend hours trying  
to solve them4  ,of course there were   
aversions4 ,jim hated singing and       

grammar4 ,why should ,i force him to    
take an interest in them8 ,no one forces
 me to take an interest in card-playing 
444 my pet aversion1 or in horse-racing4
  ,freedom allows a child to develop its
 own personality4 ,if ,jim ,jackson1    
after being with me for two years1 goes 
into an office and shirks all unpleasant
 duties1 ,i hold that ,jim is naturally 
devoid of grit4 ,i allowed him to       
develop his own personality and if he   
fails in life his personality is        
manifestly weak4 ,if ,macdonald can turn
 out a better worker than ,i can 444 and
 ,i deny that there is any evidence that
 he can 444 ,i contend that he has done 
so at the expense of a boy's            
individuality4 ,he has forced something 
from without on the boy4 ,that's not    
education4 ,the word derives from the   
,latin to lead forth4 ,macdonald would  
have made ,jim ,jackson a warped youth2 
he would have ,macdonaldised him4 ,i    
took the other way4 ,i said to myself3  
,this chap has something bright in him4 

,what is it8 ,i offered him freedom and 
he showed me what he was--a good-natured
 clever laddie with a delightful sense  
of the comic4 ,i think that his line is 
humour2 more than once have ,i told him 
that he has the makings of a great      
comedian in him4 ,i said this to ,lawson
 and he scoffed4  ,good ,lord6 he cried1
 what a mission to have in life6        
,better an excellent ,little ,tich1 ,i  
replied1 than an average coal-heaver4   
,to amuse humanity is a great mission1  
,lawson4  ,there was wee ,doris ,slater1
 the daughter of people who lived in a  
caravan4 ,that child moved like a       
goddess4 ,i think that if ,pavlova saw  
,doris she would beg her mother to allow
 the child to become a dancer4          
,macdonald would try to make ,doris a   
typist1 ,i fancy1 and pride himself on  
the fact that he had improved her social
 position4 ,i would have ,doris a       
dancer1 for she looks like being fit to 
become a very great artist4 ,music moves
 her to unconscious ecstatic grace in   

movement4  ,i want education to guide a 
child into finding out what best it can 
do4 ,at present our schools provide for 
the average child 444 and heaven only   
knows how many geniuses have been       
destroyed by stupid coercion4 ,i want   
education to set out deliberately to    
catch genius in the bud4 ,and what      
discovers genius cannot be bad for the  
children who have no genius4  ,i want   
education to produce the best that is in
 a child4 ,that is the only way to      
improve the world4 ,the naked truth is  
that we grown-ups have failed to make   
the world better than the gigantic slum 
it is1 and when we pretend to know how a
 child should be brought up we are being
 merely fatuous4 ,we must hand on what  
we have learned to the children1 but we 
must do it without comment4 ,we must not
 say3 ,this is right1 because we don't  
know what is right3 we must not say3    
,this is wrong1 because we don't know   
what is wrong4 ,the most we should do is
 to tell a child our experience4 ,when  

,i caught my boys smoking ,i did not    
say3 ,this is wrong2 ,i merely said3    
,doctors say that cigarettes are bad for
 a boy's health4 ,they are the          
specialists in health2 you and ,i don't 
know anything about it4  ,when ,i tell a
 boy that a light should not be taken   
near to petrol ,i am handing on bitter  
experience of my own1 but when ,i say   
that he must know the chief dates of    
history by ,monday morning ,i am doing  
an absolutely defenceless thing1 for no 
one can prove by experience that a      
knowledge of dates is a good thing4     
,macdonald would say3 ,quite so1 but    
could you prove that it is a bad thing8 
,i would reply that ,i could prove it is
 a senseless thing2 moreover education  
should not aim at giving children things
 that do not do them harm4 ,i don't     
suppose that it would do me any harm to 
learn up the proper names in the ,bible 
beginning with ,adam4 ,the point is     
would it do me any good8  ,i once had a 
discussion with ,macdonald on           

,socialism4 ,he accused me of attempting
 to force humanity to be of a pattern4  
,socialism kills individualism1 he said4
  ,i smile to think that the            
,conservative ,macdonald is trying to   
mould children to a pattern1 while ,i1 a
 ,socialist1 insist on each child's     
being allowed to develop its own        
separate individuality4  ,the ,socialist
 would appear to be the keenest         
individualist in the world1 for it is   
from the heretical section of society   
that the demand for freedom in education
 is coming4                             
99       99       99  ,to-day ,i visited
 ,watterson1 an old college friend of   
mine4 ,he is now in ,harley ,street1 and
 is fast becoming famous as a specialist
 in nervous disorders4  ,your nerves are
 all to pot1 he said2 what have you been
 doing with yourself8  ,i told him my   
recent history4  ,but1 ,good ,lord6 he  
cried1 how did you manage to find any   
worry in a village8  ,i tried to        
explain4 ,living in a village narrows   

one2 the outside world is gradually     
forgotten1 and the opinions of          
ignoramuses gradually come to matter4 ,i
 found myself beginning to worry over   
the adverse criticisms of villagers who 
could not read nor write4  ,you've got  
neurasthenia1 said ,watterson2 what you 
want to do is to settle down on a farm  
for six months2 live in the open air and
 do nothing strenuous4 ,don't try to    
think1 and for ,god's sake don't worry4 
,read ,john ,bull and ,the ,pink ',un1  
and chuck all the weekly intellectual   
reviews4 ,and 444 most important of all1
 fall in love with a rosy-cheeked       
daughter of the soil4  ,i have written  
to ,frank ,thomson1 the farmer of       
,eagleshowe1 asking if he still wants a 
cattleman4 ,his last man was            
conscripted1 and if the job is still    
vacant ,frank will give it to me4       
,to-night ,i sit chuckling4 ,the idea of
 a dismissed dominie's returning to a   
village to feed cattle is rich4 ,the    
village will extract much amusement out 

of it4 ,i imagine ,peter ,mitchell      
looking over the dyke and crying3 ,weel1
 dominie1 and how is the experiment in  
eddication gettin' on8                  
99       99       99  ,i sit at a bright
 peat fire in ,frank ,thomson's bothy4  
,i arrived at three o'clock and no bairn
 was about the station4 ,i was glad1 for
 ,i did not want to meet anyone4 ,there 
was a queer feeling of shame in         
returning2 ,i feared to meet anyone's   
glance4 ,to return a few days after an  
affecting farewell is the last word in  
anticlimax2 it is so horribly undramatic
 a thing to do4 ,i wish that ,lazarus   
had kept a diary after his resurrection2
 ,i fancy that quite a few people       
resented his return4  ,i cannot write   
more to-night2 ,i am tired out4 ,the    
most tiring thing in the world is to    
rise in one place and go to bed in      
another4                             99 
99       99  ,i was going out to fetch  
the cows this afternoon when ,i espied  
three girls in white pinafores at the   

top of the field4 ,they waved their     
hands and ran down to meet me4  ,we'll  
help you to take in the cows1 cried     
,janet4 ,they accepted my return without
 even the slightest curiosity1 and ,i   
was glad4  ,righto6 ,i said1 but wait a 
bit4 ,i want to sketch the farm first4  
,i sat down on the bank and the three   
settled themselves round me4  ,please1  
sir1 said ,ellen1 ,mr4 ,macdonald's a   
nice man4  ,i did not want to discuss   
,macdonald with my bairns1 and ,i       
sketched in silence4 ,i think they      
forgot all about my presence after that2
 in the old days they used to talk to   
each other as if ,i weren't there4 ,once
 they discussed likely sweethearts in   
the village for me1 and ,i am sure they 
forgot that ,i was there4  ,he's nice to
 the lassies1 ,ellen1 said ,jean1 but   
not to the boys4  ,what did he strap    
,jim ,jackson for8 asked ,ellen4  ,aw   
dinna ken1 said ,janet1 but he was      
needin' the strap4 ,jim ,jackson's a    
cheeky wee thing4  ,eh6 said ,jean1     

haven't we to sit awful quiet1 ,jan8    
,weel1 said ,janet nodding her head     
sagely1 and so ye shud sit quiet in the 
schule4 ,ye'll no be learning yer       
lessons if ye speak4  ,i went on        
sketching4  ,janet is already being     
,macdonaldised4 ,she accepts his        
authority without question4 ,ellen and  
,jean are critical as yet1 but in a week
 both will have adapted themselves to   
the machine4  ,they wandered off to     
pluck flowers4 ,i finished my sketch and
 hailed them4 ,then they came to me and 
took my arms and we took the cows home4 
,in the evening ,i was mucking out the  
byre when ,jim ,jackson came for his    
milk4  ,good morrow1 sir1 ,i called from
 the byre door1 you didn't happen to see
 ,mr4 ,thomson's elephant as you came up
 the road8  ,he looked interested4      
,elephant8 he asked brightly4  ,yes4    
,the white one2 strayed away this       
afternoon from the chicken coop4 ,have  
you seen it8  ,no1 he said1 not the     
white one1 but the grey one and the     

tiger are sitting at the dyke-side down 
at the second gate4 ,i gave the tiger a 
turnip when ,i passed it4  ,good6 ,i    
cried1 always be kind to animals4  ,yes1
 sir1 he said1 and he glanced down to   
the second gate4 ,i think that he       
wouldn't have been very much surprised  
if he had seen a tiger there4 ,jim has  
the power of make-believe developed     
strongly4 ,a few weeks ago he found a   
dead sparrow in the playground4 ,he came
 to me and asked for a coffin4 ,i gave  
him a match-box and he lined the class  
up in twos and led them with bared heads
 towards the grave he had dug4 ,the four
 foremost boys carried the coffin       
shoulder high4  ,jim laid ropes over the
 grave and the coffin was lowered       
reverently4 ,a boy was just about to    
fill in the grave when ,jim cried3 ,hold
 on6 ,then he took a handful of earth   
and sprinkled it over the coffin saying3
 ,dust to dust1 and ashes to ashes4  ,i 
blew the ,last ,post over the grave     
afterwards4 ,jim was as serious as could

 be2 for the moment he seemed to think  
that he was burying his brother4  ,when 
he had got his milk he came to the byre 
door and watched me work for a little4  
,please1 sir1 he asked1 do you like that
 better than teaching8  ,i told him that
 ,i didn't4  ,i wish ,mester ,macdonald 
wud be a cattleman1 he said fervently4  
,some folk might say that he is1 ,i     
remarked4  ,he gave me my licks the     
first mornin' he cam1 he continued4 ,we 
got an essay ',how ,i spent my          
holidays1' and ,i said that ,i was in   
,france and helped the ,crown ,prince to
 loot places4 ,we quarrelled about how  
much we should get each and ,i shot him4
 ,the ,mester gave me three scuds for   
tellin' lies4  ,he would1 ,i said       
grimly4  ,but you used to tell me to    
tell lies6 he cried4  ,i did1 ,jim4 ,and
 you see the result4444 ,i muck out a   
byre4  ,when ,jim went away ,i came to a
 sudden resolution3 ,i would fight for  
,jim4 ,i'll do all in my power to help  
the lad to preserve his own             

personality4444 ,frank ,thomson is his  
uncle and ,i'll try to get ,jim to see  
me often4 ,professional etiquette6      
,professional etiquette be damned6 ,i'm 
not in the profession now anyhow1 and   
all the professional etiquette in the   
world is as nothing to the saving of a  
soul4                             99    
99       99  ,i find that ,i enjoy my   
food now4 ,formerly ,i looked on a meal 
as an appetiser for a smoke2 now ,i look
 on a meal as an event4 ,i feel         
healthier than ,i ever did in my life   
before4 ,the land dulls one1 however4   
,the old cry ,back to the ,land means   
,back to ,elemental ,mental ,stagnation4
 ,i spent this forenoon cutting turnips1
 and ,i know that ,i thought of nothing 
all the time4 ,i have a theory that     
great thoughts are the product of       
disease4 ,possibly this is only another 
way of saying that genius is allied to  
madness4 ,shelley was a physical        
weakling2 ,ibsen and ,nietzsche went    
mad4 ,yes1 geniuses are diseased folk1  

but the converse does not hold4         
,macdonald came up to see me to-night2  
he wanted to ask a few things about the 
school4 ,we lay on a bank and lit our   
pipes4  ,i can't find your ',record of  
,work1' he said4  ,i never kept one4    
,but 444 the ,code demands one6  ,i know
 444 but ,i didn't keep one4 ,my record 
of work is my pupils in after life4     
,yes1 he said drily1 ,i know all about  
that1 but you are supposed to keep a    
record that will show an inspector what 
you are doing to produce this after life
 record4  ,macdonald1 ,i said           
impatiently1 if you mean to tell me that
 any man can tell what ,i am doing to   
prepare children for after life by      
squinting at a crowd of entries of the  
,took-the-,history-of-the-,great-,rebell
ion-this-week order 444 well1 ,i don't  
understand your attitude to life in     
general4  ,that's all very well1 he     
protested1 but we aren't there to make  
the rules2 we're paid servants who have 
to administer the laws of wiser men4    

,how do you know that they are wiser8 ,i
 asked4  ,they're wiser than ,i am      
anyway1 he said with a smile4  ,i'm not 
so sure of it1 ,macdonald2 they are more
 unscrupulous than you are4 ,they know  
what they want1 definitely and finally2 
they want efficient wage-slaves4        
,that's merely a ,socialistic cry4  ,it 
may be1 but it's true4 ,who rule us8 ,a 
definite governing class of trained     
aristocrats4  ,h'm6 ,i shouldn't call   
,lloyd ,george and that ,labour man     
,hodge trained aristocrats4  ,they      
aren't born aristocrats ,i admit1 but   
they are aristocratised democrats4      
,they've adapted themselves to the      
aristocratic tradition4 ,they are on the
 side of aristocracy2 you won't find    
them alienating the good opinion of the 
moneyed classes4 ,we are governed from  
above2 do you admit that8  ,in the main 
444 yes1 he said grudgingly4  ,very     
good6 ,well1 then1 our rulers believe in
 two kinds of education4 ,they send     
their sons to the public schools where  

boys are trained to be governors1 but   
they send the rest of the sons of the   
community to ,state schools where they  
are trained to be disciplined and       
content with their lot4  ,that's        
nonsense4  ,possibly1 but ,i suppose you
 know that the members of the ,house of 
,lords and the ,cabinet don't send their
 sons to ,l4,c4,c4 schools4  ,you are   
simply preaching class war1 he said4  ,i
 am4 ,there is a class war--there has   
been for generations--but it is a       
one-sided war4  ,it is1 said ,macdonald 
grimly4  ,the upper class took the      
offensive long ago1 and it keeps it yet4
 ,look at the squire down in the        
village4 ,he won't ride in the same     
railway compartment with you or me2 he  
won't sit beside us in the theatre 444  
why1 he won't lie beside us in the      
kirkyard3 he's got that railed-off      
corner for his family4 ,i don't blame   
him2 he has been educated up in his     
belief1 just as you and ,i have been    
educated up in the belief that we are   

his inferiors4 ,when ,i was down in the 
school ,i lectured the whole class one  
day because ,i saw a boy doff his cap to
 the squire and nod to his mother three 
seconds afterwards4  ,don't you see that
 this village is a little ,british      
,empire8 ,here there are only two       
classes--the big house and the village  
444 the ruling class and the ruled4 ,the
 school trains the ruled to be ruled1   
and the kirk takes up the training on   
the ,seventh ,day4 ,the minister talks a
 lot of prosy platitudes about ,faith   
and ,love and ,charity1 but he never    
thinks of saying a thing that the squire
 might take umbrage at4  ,i broke off   
and refilled my pipe4  ,how are you     
getting on8 ,i asked4  ,well enough4    
,the bairns are nice4  ,a little bit    
noisy1 he added1 but1 of course1 ,i was 
prepared for that4 ,i heard about your  
experiment months ago4 ,by the way1 what
 sort of a teacher is ,miss ,watson8    
,excellent1 ,i replied4  ,how often did 
you examine her classes8  ,i never      

examined her classes1 not formally1 but 
her bairns spoke to me1 and ,i judged   
her work from their conversation4  ,i   
examined their work yesterday2 her      
spelling is weak and her geography      
atrocious4  ,shouldn't wonder1 ,i said  
carelessly4 ,i never bothered about     
those things2 ,i judged her work by what
 her bairns were1 not by what they knew4
 ,they're a bright lot when you ask them
 to think out things4  ,no wonder they  
fired you out1 he laughed2 you're       
impossible as a dominie1 you know4  ,i  
smiled4  ,how do you like ,jim ,jackson8
 ,i asked suddenly4  ,cheeky devil6     
,he's clever1 ,i said4  ,you may call it
 cleverness1 but ,i have another name   
for it4 ,he is a fellow that requires to
 be sat on4  ,and you'll sit on him8  ,i
 certainly shall 444 heavily too4  ,i   
tried to show ,macdonald that he was    
making a criminal blunder1 but he got   
impatient4 ,i can't stand cheek1 he kept
 saying1 and ,i had to give up all hope 
of convincing him that ,i was right4    

,macdonald is essentially a stupid man4 
,i don't say that merely because he     
disagrees with me2 ,i say it because he 
refuses to think out his own attitude4  
,he cries that ,jim is cheeky1 but he   
won't go into the other question as to  
whether humour is impudence4 ,had he    
argued that humour is a drawback in life
 ,i should have pitied his taste1 but ,i
 should have admired his ability to make
 out a good case4     ,,iii4   ,i have  
spent a hard day forking hay along with 
,margaret ,thomson4 ,margaret is twenty 
and bonny1 but she is very1 very shy4   
,she attended my ,evening class last    
winter1 and she appears to be afraid to 
speak to me4 ,i tried to get her to     
converse again and again to-day1 but it 
was of no use4 ,i think that she fears  
to make a mistake in grammar or to      
mispronounce a word4  ,i hear her voice 
outside at the horse-trough4 ,she is    
bantering old ,peter ,wilson1 and       
talking thirteen to the dozen4 ,her     
laugh is a most delightful thing4 ,i    

wonder did ,touchstone like ,audrey's   
laugh6  ,the ,thomsons are carrying out 
in farming the principles ,i set myself 
to carry out in education4 ,they treat  
their beasts with the greatest kindness4
 ,there isn't a wild animal in the      
place4 ,spot the collie is a most       
lovable creature2 the sheep are all     
tame1 and the cows are quiet beasts2 the
 bull has a bold eye1 but he is as      
gentle as a lamb4 ,the horses come to   
the kitchen door from the water-trough1 
and little ,nancy ,thomson feeds them   
with bread4 ,every member of the family 
comes into personal immediate contact   
with the animals1 and the animals seem  
to love the family4 ,there is no fear in
 this farmyard4  ,mrs4 ,thomson is a    
kind-hearted soul4 ,she never goes down 
to the village unless to the kirk on    
,sunday4 ,she works hard all day1 but   
she is always cheerful4 ,i like to see  
them comin' in aboot1 she says1 and she 
seems to find the greatest pleasure in  
preparing the family's meals4 ,on a     

,saturday bairns come up from the       
village1 and she gives them pieces      
spread thick with fresh butter and      
strawberry jam4 ,i'm never happy unless 
there's a squad o' bairns roond me1 she 
said to me to-day4  ,frank ,thomson is  
what the village would call a funny sort
 o' a billie4 ,his eyes are always      
twinkling1 and he tries to see the funny
 side of life4 ,he hasn't much humour1  
but he has a strong sense of fun1 and he
 loves to chaff the youngsters4  ,weel1 
,wullie1 is his invariable greeting when
 his boy returns from school in the     
evening1 ,weel1 ,wullie1 and did ye get 
yer licks the day8  ,on a ,saturday     
,frank always has a troop of girls      
hanging on to his coat tails1 and he is 
always playing practical jokes on       
them--locking them in the stable or     
covering them with straw4  ,goad6 he    
will cry1 ye're an awfu' pack o'        
tormentors2 just wait er ,aw tell the   
dominie aboot ye6 and they yell at him4 
,mrs4 ,thomson tells me that he is      

inordinately proud of having me for a   
cattleman1 and at the cattle mart he    
boasts about having an ,m4,a4 as feeder4
 ,i took two stots into the mart        
yesterday1 and when they entered the    
ring a wag cried3 ,are they weel up in  
the ,greek1 think ye1 ,frank8 and the   
farmers roared4  ,oh1 aye1 shouted      
,frank1 they're weel crammed up wi'     
a'thing that's guid6  ,i think that the 
,scotch ,education ,department should   
insist on every teacher's going farming 
every three years4 ,inside the          
profession you lose perspective4 ,the   
educational papers are full of articles 
about geography and history and drawing1
 but teachers seldom show that they are 
looking beyond the mere curriculum4 ,the
 training colleges supply the young     
teacher with what they call ,mental     
,philosophy or ,psychology1 but it is   
quite possible for an honours graduate  
in mental philosophy to have no         
philosophy at all4  ,the question for   
the teacher is3 ,what am ,i aiming at8  

,macdonald is aiming at what he calls a 
bright show before the inspector4 ,to be
 just to the man ,i admit that he is    
honestly trying to educate these bairns 
according to his lights4 ,he wants to   
produce good scholars1 but when ,i ask  
him what he considers the goal of       
humanity he is at sea4  ,he tells me    
that education should not be made to    
produce little ,socialists as ,i seemed 
to try to do4 ,but ,i deny that ,i ever 
tried to make my bairns ,socialists4 ,i 
told them the elemental truth that a    
parasite is an enemy of society2 ,i told
 them that the world was out of joint4  
,and ,i gave them freedom to develop    
their personalities in the hope that1   
freed from discipline and fear and lies1
 they might become a better generation  
than mine has been4  ,the ,macdonalds of
 life have failed to produce thinking   
that is free2 ,i merely say3 ,let the   
children have a say now2 stop thrusting 
your stupid barbaric ,authority down    
their little throats2 let the bairns be 

free to breathe4 ,give up all the       
snobbish nonsense about manners and     
respect and servility you ram into the  
child2 if he refuses to lift his hat to 
you1 who the devil are you that you     
should coerce him into doing it8  ,i    
think that some of the more important   
villagers were annoyed at the bairns'   
obvious lack of respect1 or at least the
 semblance of respect4 ,but they looked 
for faults4 ,they told me of escapades  
after school hours1 of complaints of    
bosses against boys who had been with   
me4 ,i asked ,george ,wilson1 the mason1
 whether he would expand his criticism  
to include the minister4 ,do you blame  
,mr4 ,gordon for every drunk and every  
theft in the village8 ,he has been here 
for thirty years1 and1 on your          
reasoning1 he has been a failure4  ,aw  
dinna pay rates for keepin' up the kirk1
 he replied1 but ,i pay rates to keep up
 the schule1 and ,aw have a claim to    
creeticise the wye ye teach the bairns4 
,i see now that ,i never had a chance   

against the enemy4 ,they could point to 
what they called faults 444 ,johnnie    
didn't know his ,history1 ,lizzie did   
too much sketching1 ,peter wasn't       
deferential4 ,i could point to nothing4 
,i had abolished fear1 ,i had made the  
school a place of joy1 ,i had encouraged
 each child's natural bent 444 and the  
village smiled scornfully and said3 ,we 
ken nae difference4  ,i found myself    
worrying over the opinions of small men 
who are of no importance in the world of
 ideas2 stupid fools led me into taking 
up an eternal position of defence4 ,and 
,i fumed inwardly1 for ,i am not always 
a ready talker4  ,but now ,i am able to 
smile at the men who baited me a few    
weeks ago4 ,they don't count4 ,in the   
great world beyond the hills there are  
people who take the large broad view of 
education1 and some day education will  
really be a leading forth not a putting 
in4                             99      
99       99  ,i met ,macdonald to-night1
 and ,i asked him how things were doing4

  ,i'm in the middle of prizes1 he said 
wearily1 and if there's one thing ,i    
detest it's prizes4  ,i began to think  
that ,i had misjudged ,macdonald4       
,excellent6 ,i cried1 we agree for once6
 ,what's your objection to prizes8      
,they're such a confounded nuisance4    
,granted1 ,i said4  ,that's all ,i have 
against them4 ,you never know how you   
are to distribute the things4  ,why do  
you object to them8 he asked4  ,i sat   
down on ,wilkie's dyke and lit my pipe4 
,i object to them on principle1         
,macdonald4 ,they're tips1 that's what  
they are4  ,tips8  ,yes4 ,i give a      
porter tuppence for seeing my bicycle   
into the van2 ,i give ,mary ,ritchie a  
book for beating the others at reading4 
,i tip both4  ,i don't see it4  ,the    
porter shouldn't get a tip2 his job is  
to look after luggage4 ,mary's job is to
 read to improve her mind4  ,but1 said  
,macdonald1 life is full of rewards4  ,i
 know4 ,here ,peter ,mitchell strolled  
up4 ,we're talking about prizes1 ,i     

explained4 ,life is full of rewards of  
all kinds1 but the only reward that     
matters is the joy in doing a thing     
well4 ,if ,i write a poem or paint a    
picture ,i'm not writing or painting    
with one eye on royalties or the auction
 room4 ,i sell my poem or picture in    
order to live 444 in a decent           
civilisation ,i wouldn't require to sell
 it to live1 but that's by the way4 ,my 
point is that prizes are artificial     
rewards1 just as strapping is an        
artificial punishment4  ,goad6 said     
,peter ,mitchell1 do ye mean to tell me 
that ,aw wasna thinkin' o' the reward   
when ,i selt my powney last ,saturday8  
,competition is a good thing1 said      
,macdonald4 ,look at running and sports 
and all that sort of thing4  ,i admit   
it1 ,i said1 you like to beat your      
partner at golf4 ,but my contention is  
that the prize at the end is vulgar2 the
 joy is in being the best sprinter in   
the country4 ,after all you don't glory 
in the fact that ,simpson took seven at 

the tenth hole2 your glory lies in the  
thought that you did it in three4       
,prizes in school are not only vulgar3  
they are cruel4 ,take ,ellen ,smith4    
,ellen has always been a first-rate     
arithmetician2 she has the talent4 ,for 
the past four years she has carried off 
the first prize for arithmetic4 ,sarah  
,nelson is very good1 but work as she   
likes she can't beat ,ellen4 ,sarah     
becomes despondent every year at        
prize-giving time4 ,bairns aren't       
philosophical2 they don't see that the  
vulgar little book they get isn't worth 
thinking about4 ,the ignorant noodles   
who sit on ,school ,boards 7,peter      
,mitchell had moved on by this time7    
stand up at the school exhibition and   
talk much cant about prizes4 ',them that
 don't get them this year must just make
 a spurt and get them next year4' ,and  
the poor bairns imagine that a prize is 
the golden fruit of life4  ,i notice    
that the men who are keenest on school  
prizes are firm believers in school     

punishments4 ,and they are generally    
religious4 ,their god is a petty tyrant 
who rewards the good and punishes the   
wicked4 ,they try to act up to the      
attitude of their god 444 hence1 ,i     
fancy the term tin god4                 
99       99       99  ,i see that many  
eminent people are making speeches about
 ,education ,after the ,war4 ,i can     
detect but little difference between    
their attitude and that of the          
commercial men who keep shouting        
,capture ,germany's ,trade6 ,let us have
 more technical instruction1 cries the  
educationist1 more discipline2 let us   
beat ,germany at her own game6 ,the     
commercial man chuckles4 ,excellent6 he 
cries1 first-rate 444 but of course we  
must have ,protection also6  ,and the   
educationist and the commercial man will
 have their way4 ,education will aim    
frankly at turning out highly efficient 
wage-slaves4 ,the ,new ,education has   
commenced2 its first act was to abolish 
freedom4 ,free speech is dead2 a free   

press is merely a name2 the workers were
 wheedled into giving up their freedom  
to sell their commodity labour to the   
highest bidder1 while the profiteer     
retains his right to sell his goods at  
the highest price he can get4 ,every    
restriction on liberty is alleged to be 
necessary to win the war4  ,the alarming
 feature of the present ,prussianisation
 of ,britain lies in the circumstance   
that the signing of peace will be but   
the beginning of a new war4 ,if the     
plans of the ,paris ,economic           
,conference are carried out true        
education is interned for a century4    
,millions have lost their lives in the  
military war3 millions will lose their  
souls in the trade war4 ,just as we have
 sullenly obeyed the dictates of the war
 government1 we shall sullenly obey the 
dictates of the trade government4 ,we   
must win the trade war1 our rulers will 
cry1 and1 if the profiteers say that men
 must work sixteen hours a day if we are
 to beat ,germany1 the ,press and the   

,church and the ,school will persuade   
the public that the man who strikes for 
a fifteen hours day is a traitor to his 
country4  ,will anyone try to save      
education8 ,the commercial men will use 
it to further their own plans2 the      
educationists will unconsciously play   
into the profiteers' hands2 the women   
444 only the other day the suffrage band
 was marching through the streets of    
,london displaying a huge banner bearing
 the words ,we ,want ,hughes4 ,hughes is
 the ,premier of ,australia1 a ,labour  
man dear to the hearts of all the       
capitalist newspapers4 ,his one text is 
,trade after the ,war4  ,who is there to
 save education8 ,the teaching          
profession could save it1 but teachers  
are merely servants4 ,they will continue
 to argue about ,compulsory ,greek and1 
no doubt1 ,compulsory ,russian will come
 up for discussion in the educational   
papers soon4 ,the commercially-minded   
gentlemen of ,westminster will draw up  
the new scheme of education1 and the    

teachers will humbly adapt themselves to
 the new method4  ,i don't think that   
anyone will save education4     ,,iv4   
,i lay on a bank this afternoon smoking4
 ,janet and ,jean and ,annie came along 
the road1 and they sat down beside me4  
,i'm tired of the school1 said ,annie   
wearily2 ,aw wish ,aw was fourteen6     
,what's wrong now8 ,i asked4  ,oh1 we   
never get any fun now1 the new mester's 
always so strict1 and we get an awful   
lot o' home lessons now4  ,annie got the
 strap on ,friday1 explained ,jean4     
,mester ,macdonald's braces broke ,aw   
think1 at least something broke when he 
was bending doon and he took an awful   
red face 444 and he had to keep his     
hands in his pouches till night time to 
keep his breeks up4  ,did ,annie pull   
them down8 ,i asked4  ,jean tittered4   
,no1 but she laughed and he gave her the
 strap4  ,aye1 cried ,annie in delight1 
and they nearly cam doon when he was    
strappin' me6  ,why do awkward incidents
 occur to dignity8 ,i said1 more to     

myself than to the bairns1 my braces    
wouldn't break in fifty years of        
teaching4 ,then ,i laughed4  ,margaret  
,thomson came down the road on her way  
to ,evening ,service1 and she reddened  
as she passed4  ,eh6 laughed ,janet1    
looking up into my face1 did ye see yon8
 ,maggie blushed6 ,aw wudna wonder if   
she has a notion o' the ,mester6  ,how  
could she help it1 ,jan8 ,i said4 ,why1 
you'll be hopelessly in love with me    
yourself in a couple of years1 you      
besom6  ,she stared before her vacantly 
for a little4  ,aw did have a notion o' 
you when ye cam first1 she said slowly4 
,i put my arm round her neck4  ,you dear
 kid6 ,i said4  ,she smiled up in my    
face4  ,ye had that bonny striped tie on
 then1 she said artlessly4  ,i pulled   
her hair4  ,ye shud marry ,maggie       
,tamson1 she said after a pause4  ,aye1 
added ,jean1 and syne ye'll get the farm
 when her father dies4 ,he's troubled   
wi' the rheumatics and he'll no live    
very long4 ,and she wud be a gran worker

 too4  ,dinna haver1 ,jean1 said ,annie 
scornfully1 the ,mester will want a gran
 lady for his wife1 one that can play   
the piano and have ham and egg to her   
breakfast ilka morning4  ,no extravagant
 wife like that for me6 ,i protested4   
,aweel1 an egg ilka day and ham and egg 
on ,sundays onywye1 compromised ,annie4 
,an egg every second morning1 ,annie1 ,i
 said firmly1 and ham and egg every     
second ,sunday4  ,ladies dinna mak good 
wives1 said ,janet4 ,willie ,macintosh  
along at ,rinsley married a lassie that 
was a piano teacher1 and she gets her   
breakfast in her bed and has a wumman to
 wash up4 ,aye1 and she's ay dressed and
 oot after dinnertime4 ,aye1 and she    
sends a' his collars to the laundry 444 
and he only wears a clean dicky on      
,sawbath4  ,ah6 ,i said1 ,i'm glad you  
told me that1 ,janet2 ,i won't risk     
marrying a lady4 ,but tell me1 ,janet1  
how am ,i to know what sort of woman ,i 
am marrying8  ,it's quite easy1 she said
 slowly1 you just have to tear a button 

off your waistcoat and if she doesna    
offer to mend it ye shouldna tak her4   
,and speer at her what time she gets up 
in the mornin'1 she added2 ,maggie      
,tamson rises at five ilka mornin'4     
,why are you so anxious that it should  
be ,margaret8 ,i asked with real        
curiosity4  ,janet shook her head4  ,aw 
just think she's in love wi' ye1 she    
said simply2 she blushed4               
99       99       99  ,i went out with  
my bugle to-night1 and ,i sounded all   
the old calls4 ,i finished up with ,come
 for ,orders1 and ,i walked slowly down 
the brae to the farm4 ,jim ,jackson and 
,dickie ,gibson came running up to me4  
,ye played ',come for ,orders6' panted  
,jim as he wiped his sweating face with 
his bonnet4  ,we'll soon remedy matters1
 ,i laughed1 and ,i played the ,dismiss4
  ,jim perched himself on a gate4       
,we'll hae to fall oot1 ,dick1 he said  
with mock resignation1 come on and we'll
 sit here till we get oor wind back4    
,and ,dick climbed up beside him4  ,how 

are the lies getting on1 ,jim8 ,i asked4
  ,he shook his head dolefully4  ,we got
 an essay the day on ,the ,discovery of 
,america 444 and ye canna tell mony lies
 aboot that4 ,aw just said that         
,columbus discovered ,america1 and wrote
 aboot his ships4 ,the new ,mester says 
we must stick to the truth4  ,it is     
difficult to associate the truth with   
,america1 ,i said4 ,but there is a true 
side to this discovery business4 ,to say
 that ,columbus discovered ,america is a
 half-truth2 the whole truth is that    
,america isn't quite discovered yet4    
,andrew ,carnegie was fairly successful1
 and ,charlie ,chaplin is another       
discoverer of note1 but--  ,jim clearly 
did not understand2 he thought that ,i  
was pulling his leg4  ,how's the pond8  
,i asked1 and was grieved to find that  
neither of the boys had any interest in 
it4 ,the ,mester taks us oot and gies us
 object lessons on the minnows1 said    
,dickie1 and ,i groaned4  ,and the      
pigeons8  ,object lessons too1 said ,jim

 with evident disgust4 ,what family did 
he say doos belonged to1 ,dick8  ,dick  
had no idea4  ,the word dove comes from 
the ,latin columba1 ,i said             
sententiously4 ,hence the name ,columbus
 who was named after the dove that was  
sent out of the ,ark4 ,when he learned  
this as a boy he resolved to live up to 
his name 444 hence the ,american ,eagle1
 which of course has transformed itself 
into a dove during ,woodrow ,wilson's   
reign4  ,dick listened open-mouthed1 but
 ,jim's eyes twinkled4  ,the ,mester    
gives us derivations ilka day4 ,he telt 
us the derivation of pond when he was   
giein' us the object lesson1 but ,i     
canna mind what it was4  ,a weight6     
cried ,dickie suddenly1 and ,i          
complimented him on his industry4  ,aye1
 giggled ,jim1 he shud mind it1 for he  
had to write it oot a hunder times4  ,i 
made a cryptic remark about ponds and   
ponderosity1 and then ,i told them of   
the boy who had to stay in and write the
 phrase ,i have gone many times in order

 that he might grasp the correct idiom4 
,he filled five pages2 then he wrote    
something at the bottom of the last     
page1 a message to his teacher4 ,the    
message read ,please1 sir1 ,i have went 
home4 ,dickie immediately asked whether 
the boy got a lamming next morning1 and 
,jim looked at him scornfully4 ,dickie  
has not got an alert mind4  ,to-night ,i
 am doubting whether ,i was wise to     
return to the village4 ,i seem to become
 sadder every day4 ,my heart is down in 
the old ugly school1 and ,i am jealous  
of ,macdonald4 ,i know that he is an    
inferior1 but he has my bairns in his   
control4 ,i confess to a sneaking       
delight in the knowledge that he is not 
liked by the bairns4 ,in this respect ,i
 think ,i am inferior to him2 ,i don't  
think he is jealous of my popularity but
 of course he may be after all4  ,jim's 
answering my bugle call makes me want to
 cry4 ,i can sit out the most pathetic  
drama unemotionally2 when the hero says 
farewell for ever to the heroine ,i sit 

up cheerfully4 ,it is sweetness that    
affects me2 when the hero clasps his    
love in his arms ,i snivel4 ,in the     
cinema when little ,willie is dying to  
slow music and the mother is wringing   
her hands ,i smile1 but if ,willie      
recovers and sits up in bed to hug his  
teddy bear ,i blow my nose4 ,i am       
unaffected when ,peter ,pan returns to  
find his mother's window shut against   
him1 but when the fairies build a house 
over the sleeping lost girl ,i have to  
light my pipe and cough sternly4  ,i    
wish ,i hadn't gone out with my bugle   
to-night4                             99
       99       99  ,macdonald is an    
ass4 ,he came to me this afternoon4     
,look here1 he began1 ,i wonder if      
you've any objection to my making a few 
alterations in the school live stock8   
,want to introduce a cow8 ,i asked4 ,you
 believe in utilitarianism in education 
,i fancy4  ,it's the pigeons and        
rabbits1 he went on2 ,i was wondering if
 you would object to my getting rid of  

one or two4  ,what's wrong8  ,it's the  
sex matter1 he said hurriedly4 ,i don't 
like the thing2 ,i don't so much mind   
the infants asking awkward questions1   
but why the deuce should they keep them 
till ,i am speaking to the infant       
mistress8  ,refer them to the lady1 ,i  
said with a chuckle4  ,he looked        
troubled4  ,i must get rid of one sex1  
he said4  ,macdonald1 ,i said severely1 
,i don't know that you can do that      
without the permission of the children4 
,the rabbits and doos are their's2 they 
bought them with their own money4       
,that's no great difficulty1 he said    
lightly4  ,possibly not 444 not for you1
 ,macdonald4 ,if you use authority the  
bairns will hardly question it4 ,but ,i 
don't see that you have the right to be 
an autocrat in this affair4  ,it is my  
duty to protect the children1 he said   
with dignity4  ,protect yourself1 you   
mean6 ,i cried2 you have just confessed 
that your one aim is to get rid of      
awkward questions4  ,but what can ,i do8

 he stammered4  ,do6 ,do nothing1 just  
as ,i did4 ,let the creatures breed as  
much as they darned well please2 that's 
what they are there for4 ,you can't very
 well make sex an object lesson2 the    
logical thing to do is to give a lesson 
on pollination of plants and then go on 
to fertilisation of the bird's egg1 but 
if you do that you'll get the sack at   
once4 ,but there's quite enough of      
prudery in the world already without    
your turning a rabbit-hutch into a      
sultanless harem4  ,there are things    
that children shouldn't know1 he said   
with a touch of aggression4  ,and there 
are things that grown-ups should know   
and don't1 ,i said4 ,they ought to know 
that the sex conspiracy of silence is   
idiotic and criminal4  ,anyway1 he said 
sullenly1 ,i'll tell them to-morrow that
 there are too many in the house and    
that ,i mean to get rid of a few4  ,all 
right1 ,i said resignedly1 you can lie  
to them if you want to4 ,then ,i added3 
,although1 mind you1 ,macdonald1 ,i feel

 like telling the bairns the real reason
 for your action4  ,he looked startled4 
,don't be alarmed1 ,i said with a smile1
 ,i won't do it1 and he looked relieved4
  ,why not look in at the school some   
afternoon8 he said amiably when we      
parted1 but perhaps you feel that you've
 shaken off the dust from your feet down
 there8  ,i'll be delighted to come     
down1 ,i said2 ,i didn't shake off the  
dust from my feet when ,i left 444 there
 was quite enough dust there already4   
,i think ,i'll go down to-morrow        
afternoon2 it was decent of ,macdonald  
to ask me after all that ,i have said to
 him4                             99    
99       99  ,a man spends his life     
wishing he had done certain things and  
wishing that he had not done certain    
things4 ,i half wish that ,i had not    
accepted ,macdonald's invitation2 ,i    
feel lonely up here now3 on the other   
hand ,i am glad that ,i went4 ,i think  
now that ,macdonald's real idea was to  
show me how he has improved the school4 

,from his point of view he has improved 
it4 ,he showed me exercise books that   
were models of neatness and care2 he    
showed me classes swotting up subjects  
laboriously2 the rooms were as silent as
 the grave4  ,when ,i went in ,macdonald
 shook hands with me formally1 and ,i   
noticed that his school voice and manner
 were prim and professional4 ,i turned  
to the bairns and said3 ,hullo1 kids6   
and they rose in a body and said3 ,good 
afternoon1 sir6  ,ah6 ,i whispered to   
,macdonald1 ,i see ,i ought to have     
said3 ',good afternoon1 children6' eh8  
and he smiled professionally4  ,the     
higher classes were drawing4 ,the model 
was a vase4 ,i walked round the class   
444 and swore silently4 ,i had spent two
 years persuading these bairns that     
there is no boundary line in nature2 a  
white vase appears to have lines as     
boundaries simply because it usually    
stands in front of a dark background4 ,i
 made them work in the background to    
show up the model1 although ,i never    

gave them vases or pails2 my drawing was
 all outside sketching of trees and     
houses4 ,he was making them line in the 
drawing4  ,i am not much good at        
drawing1 he explained apologetically1 as
 a matter of fact ,i know nothing about 
it4  ,in that case1 ,i said1 why not let
 them go on with the methods ,i gave    
them8 ,i know something about the       
subject4  ,he asked what my methods were
 and ,i explained them in a few minutes4
 ,he expressed his gratitude and seemed 
honestly glad to learn something about  
the subject4  ,i won't take them out    
drawing though1 he said2 an inspector   
might come to the school in my absence4 
,you conscientious devil6 ,i said1 let's
 have a squint at their exercise books4 
,as he moved to the cupboard a boy      
whispered to his neighbour and          
,macdonald turned like a flash2 the lad 
visibly quailed before his fixing eye4  
,i fancied that the next inspector's    
report would commence with the words3   
,the discipline of this school is       

excellent4  ,the books were much neater 
than mine had been4 ,i began to look for
 blots1 but the search was hopeless4    
,oh6 for ,god's sake1 ,macdonald1 show  
me ,peter ,mackay's book2 surely a good 
healthy blot will be found there6 ,but  
,peter's book was scrupulously clean4   
,i had to deal with that boy with a     
stern hand1 said ,macdonald grimly1 and 
as ,i stood looking at the book ,i      
saddened4  ,on the outside of this book 
you should write the words3 ',peter     
,mackay 444 a ,tragedy1 by ,william     
,macdonald1' ,i said1 but ,i don't think
 the man understood me4  ,the three     
o'clock interval came4 ,stand6 commanded
 ,macdonald1 and the class rose as one  
child4 ,front seat 444 quick march6 ,the
 boys saluted him as they passed out1   
and the girls curtsied4 ,i tried not to 
laugh at the fatuous fellow's           
inculcation of respect4 ,poor devil1 ,i 
think they will hate him in after years2
 he is of the brand of dominie that is  
responsible for the post-schooldays     

habit of shying divots and opprobrious  
epithets at teachers passing along the  
road4  ,on the way out ,janet touched my
 arm playfully1 but the eagle-eyed      
disciplinarian saw the action and he    
glared at her4  ,had you any trouble    
with swearing8 he asked when the last   
boy had gone out4  ,not particularly4   
,have you8  ,i've put it down with a    
very firm hand4  ,i never bothered about
 it1 ,i said carelessly4 ,i very seldom 
heard it2 if ,i did happen to hear a boy
 string together a few strong words ,i  
ridiculed him1 told him they didn't mean
 anything4 ,once ,i was trying to       
unscrew a stiff nut from my motor-bike  
and ,i addressed it audibly4 ,i heard a 
snigger and on looking round found that 
,jim ,jackson had come up to watch my   
efforts4  ,macdonald raised his eyebrows
 and whistled4  ,pretty awkward1 eh8    
,not in the least1 ,macdonald2 ,i merely
 said3 ',jim1 never waste good bad      
language2 one day you may be a          
motor-cyclist and you'll need it all    

then4' ,jim nodded approvingly4  ,you   
would have persuaded ,jim that he never 
heard your words1 ,i added4  ,i find    
that ,i cannot dislike ,macdonald4 ,he  
is essentially a decent fellow with a   
kindly nature2 sometimes ,i feel that ,i
 am quite fond of him4 ,his equanimity  
is charming2 he seldom shows the least  
trace of irritation when ,i talk to him4
 ,but his mental laziness riles me2 he  
is so cock-sure about his methods of    
education1 and ,i know that ,i never can
 induce him to think the matter out for 
himself4 ,the tragedy is that there are 
a thousand ,macdonalds in ,scots schools
 to-day4 ,of course they are hopelessly 
wrong4 ,i don't know whether ,i am      
right1 but ,i know that they are wrong4 
,they stick to a narrow code2 they force
 youth to follow their silly behests    
regarding respect2 they kill the        
individuality of each child4 ,why in all
 the earth does civilisation allow such 
asses to warp the children8 ,who is     
,macdonald that any human being should  

quail before his awful eye8 ,is he so   
righteous that he shall punish a boy for
 swearing8 ,he spent a whole morning    
lately cross-examining the bairns to    
discover who wrote the words3 ,mr4      
,macdonald is daft on the pigeon-house  
door4 ,at last one wee chap was         
intimidated into confessing1 and        
,macdonald whacked him and then         
harangued the whole school4 ,the bairns 
were convinced that the lad had         
committed the sin against the ,holy     
,ghost4  ,what a mind the man has6 ,i   
discovered an obscene writing about     
myself three weeks after ,i had come to 
the school4 ,the bairns held their      
breath while ,i read it4 ,i sent for a  
cloth and erased the words4  ,what's the
 use of scribbling silly rot like that8 
,i said1 and lit my pipe4 ,there never  
was any more writing on the wall in my  
time4  ,how the devil are bairns to gain
 any perspective in life if a fool like 
,macdonald spends half a day            
investigating nothing8 ,education should

 aim at giving a child a philosophy1 and
 philosophy simply means the            
contemplation of the important things in
 life4 ,if teachers emphasise the       
importance of things like silence and   
manners and dignity and respect1 we     
cannot expect our children to rise      
higher in later years than the cheap    
gossipy lying press and the absurd      
system we call party politics4  ,the    
,macdonalds start out with the          
assumption that human nature is bad2 ,i 
start out with the realisation that     
human nature is good4 ,that is the real 
distinction between the disciplinarian  
and the believer in freedom4 ,when my   
boys stole turnips1 wrote swear words on
 walls1 talked and ate sweets as they   
sat in class ,i attached little or no   
importance to their actions2 all ,i     
tried to do was to bring out the best   
that was in a lad's nature 444 and ,i   
succeeded4 ,every child improved 444 no1
 ,i was forgetting one boy6 ,he came    
from a city school1 and his face was    

full of impudence4 ,he looked round my  
free school and marvelled2 he had come  
from a ,macdonaldised school and he     
naturally concluded that ,i was a soft  
mark4 ,one day ,i said to him very      
mildly3 ,my gentle youth1 this school is
 ,liberty ,hall1 not because ,i am weak 
but because ,i happen to be rather      
strong4444 ,i could whack you           
effectively if ,i started to you4 ,but  
,i never managed to fit that boy into my
 scheme of things4 ,he left after a few 
months1 and after he had gone he bounced
 to other boys that he had shoved many  
pens and ink-pots down a hole in the    
floor4 ,i found that he was telling the 
truth4  ,what would have happened if the
 boy had remained at school ,i don't    
know1 but ,i think that he would have   
gradually adapted himself to his        
environment4 ,he had been reared in the 
schools where physical force reigned1   
and he understood no other system4 ,yes1
 ,i fancy ,i could have converted that  
youth4 ,i think of ,homer ,t4 ,lane and 

his ,little ,commonwealth in ,dorset1   
where so called criminal children from  
the police courts are given             
self-government and become excellent    
citizens1 and ,i know that the          
,macdonalds are wrong4  ,not long ago   
,edinburgh ,school ,board passed a      
motion asking the local magistrates to  
make their birch-rod sentences severe   
enough to be effective4 ,once upon a    
time people thought that lunatics were  
criminals and they lashed them with     
whips4 ,a time came when people realised
 that a lunatic was a diseased person   
and they at once began to care for him  
tenderly4 ,nowadays the enlightened     
members of society realise that a       
criminal is a diseased person 444       
usually the victim of a diseased society
 444 and they passionately advocate his 
being treated as a sick man is treated4 
,and the ,school ,board of the capital  
of ,scotland recommend that extra       
stripes with the rod be given to poor   
laddies who steal a few pence4  ,i feel 

quite sure that no minister in the      
country mentioned the fact from his     
pulpit4 ,i expect they were all too busy
 anathematising the ,hun to consider    
what the attitude of ,jesus ,christ was 
to men and women taken in sin4 ,i should
 like to preach to that ,school ,board  
from the text ,suffer little children to
 come unto ,me4  ,there are two ways in 
education3 ,macdonalds with ,authority  
in the shape of ,school ,boards and     
magistrates and prisons to support him2 
and mine with the ,christlike experiment
 of ,homer ,lane to encourage me4  ,i   
wonder why there are two sides to this  
question of education8 ,no one but a    
fool will contend that the birch rod is 
better than the ,little ,commonwealth4  
,i think that ninety per cent4 of the   
,macdonalds of ,scotland would believe  
in the ,little ,commonwealth4 ,why then 
would they argue that their system of   
teaching is better than mine8 ,obviously
 coercion and authority make a child    
less individual than he might be4 ,ah6  

it all turns on our respective attitudes
 to life4 ,boys are innately bad1 they  
say1 whack 'em6 ,boys are innately good1
 ,i say1 ,i'll light my pipe and ask    
them how their rabbits are getting on4  
99       99       99  ,macdonald came   
hurrying up to me to-night4  ,i quite   
forgot to ask you when you came down    
what you used to do about your desk4    
,the lock's broken2 how long has it been
 like that8  ,since my first week in    
school1 ,i said4  ,good gracious6 ,mean 
to tell me your desk was open for two   
years8  ,i nodded1 and smiled at his    
consternation4  ,i've sent down to the  
joiner4 ,the situation is intolerable4  
,why1 do you know what ,i found in it   
to-day8  ,a packet of sweets1 ,i        
hazarded 444 chocolates if you were     
lucky4  ,how did you guess8 he cried in 
amazement4  ,my dear fellow1 my desk was
 a sweety shop some days2 they used to  
hide their packets in every corner of   
it1 then they would come to me and say3 
',please1 sir1 my pockie is in the wee  

corner on the right2 dinna let onybody  
touch it4' ,who put them in8 ,i asked4  
,gladys ,miller4  ,you have all the     
luck1 ,i said4 ,gladys always buys      
liquorice rolls1 you know them 444      
little yellow sweets with the sugarelly 
inside4 ,man1 ,i love yon sweets 444 and
 ,gladys knew it1 the besom6  ,oh6 ,it's
 all very well for you to make a joke of
 it1 he said with annoyance1 but ,i tell
 you ,i don't like it1 and after to-day 
,i guess it'll be a long time till      
anybody opens my desk again4 ,i talked  
to ,gladys to some tune ,i can tell you4
  ,i sighed wearily and filled my pipe4 
,two years6 said ,macdonald musingly1   
two years6 ,what about all your private 
books8 ,anybody might have read your    
,log ,book1 or destroyed it even6 and   
the thought almost made him turn pale4  
,and what about it8 ,nobody will ever   
read it anyway4  ,eh8 ,his mouth gaped  
at this latest heresy4  ,what about it8 
,i continued1 what about the whole      
damned lot of registers and log books   

and ,form #i b's8 ,i didn't care a rap  
who saw the inside of my desk or my log 
book4 ,as a matter of fact no one saw   
what was in the log2 never a child      
opened it4 ,why8 ,because there was no  
prohibition4 ,you lock up all the blamed
 things and put the fear of ,god on any 
kid that dares touch your desk 444      
result6 they look on all your belongings
 as forbidden fruit1 and if they can    
handle your log book when you are safely
 out of the way you bet your boots that 
they'll do it4 ,can't you see that      
children are really decent kindly       
creatures with their own philosophy1    
that is1 their own idea of the          
importance of things8 ,what is important
 to them is a toy or a dogfight or a    
quarrel or a love affair4 ,they don't   
want to touch stodgy official books4    
,but when you say to them3 ',this desk  
is holy ground' why1 every              
self-respecting kid has but one ambition
 in life 444 to poke his nose into your 
desk and hide your registers4  ,well1 he

 said with a grim smile1 what about     
those tools in the woodwork room8 ,if   
children are the saints you make them   
out to be1 how did your boys come to    
spoil good tools8  ,i admit that ,i made
 a mistake1 ,i said cheerfully4 ,i set  
out on the assumption that a boy can be 
trusted with tools4 ,i dropped the      
belief4 ,wood was scarce and often ,i   
couldn't get enough to keep the boys    
working4 ,result6444 they took to       
hammering nails into benches and walls4 
,i see now that much of a boy is        
destructiveness4 ,i might have known it1
 for as a boy ,i tore the inside out of 
everything to see how it worked4 ,if ,i 
had a small class ,i could have kept    
them interested in making an article4   
,yet ,i remember seeing ,tom ,watson1   
the best worker in the school1 make a   
good rabbit-trough2 then when he had    
finished he deliberately chipped a chunk
 off a plane with a hammer4  ,what did  
you do8  ,i simply chucked him out of   
woodwork2 told him he wasn't beyond the 

infant-room stage1 and gave him lessons 
with a class two grades below his own4  
,did you chuck him out forcibly8  ,i    
suppose ,i did4  ,ah6 ,macdonald looked 
triumphant4 ,in other words you forgot  
your principles and punished8  ,human   
nature is weak1 ,i said sadly4 ,if ,i   
saw a boy sticking a pen-knife into the 
tyre of my bicycle ,i should kick him   
444 kick him hard and then kick him     
again4 ,there is such a thing as        
elemental rage in every man--even       
,christ used a whip in the temple4      
,there are times when you cannot reason3
 you act impulsively4 ,principle can't  
touch this1 but it comes in when rage is
 gone4 ,if ,i am a magistrate and a boy 
comes before me charged with destroying 
a bicycle ,i personally have no rage    
against the boy1 and if ,i punish him   
,i'm merely serving out juridical       
vengeance4 ,if ,i order him to be       
birched the jailor has no grudge against
 the boy4 ,the main point is that the   
owner of the cycle acts before          

reasoning1 while the magistrate acts    
after reasoning4 ,and his reason cannot 
prompt him to behave any better than the
 injured owner did4 ,the owner is       
primitive man for the time being3 the   
magistrate stands for reasoning         
civilisation4 ,in other words reasoning 
civilisation is no better than the      
barbarian4 ,that's why ,i object to     
juridical punishment4  ,ha6 ,ha6 he     
laughed with a sneer1 when it touches   
yourself you let all your principles    
slide1 just as the most extreme         
,socialist turns ,tory if he happens to 
get money6  ,macdonald1 ,i said slowly1 
,i'm sorry you said that1 for it means  
that you'll reject everything ,i bring  
forward4 ,you'll grasp the idea that my 
views are useless because ,i tell you ,i
 can smite when ,i am angry1 and you'll 
consequently reject everything ,i say4  
,you're like the man who cries to a     
,socialist orator3 ',why don't you sell 
your watch and divide the proceeds among
 this crowd8' or like the man who tells 

a member of the no-hat brigade that he  
should go naked to be consistent4 ,if ,i
 were to adopt your tactics ,i might ask
 why you don't get the ,school ,boards  
to provide muzzles for the children on  
the plea that so much of your energy is 
taken up in keeping them silent4 ,if you
 make them salute you ,i see no logical 
reason why you shouldn't carry respect  
to its extreme and force them to kneel  
down and kiss your boots4 ,if you insist
 on perfect truthfulness why do you try 
to hide the truth about the sex of      
pigeons8 ,you pretend to be a believer  
in perfect obedience to authority1 and  
yet ,i saw you ride a bicycle without a 
light the other night4 ,i am quite      
willing to prove that every man is      
inconsistent4 ,bernard ,shaw would no   
doubt find some difficulty in explaining
 how his humanitarian vegetarianism     
blends with his wearing of leather      
boots2 for ,i don't suppose that he has 
boots made from the hides of animals    
that died of old age4 ,i gave up        

shooting and fishing because ,i saw that
 both were cruel1 yet ,i will kill a    
wasp or a rat on occasion4 ,if a tiger  
got loose down in the village ,i should 
at once borrow ,frank ,thomson's gun1   
but ,i should refuse to go tiger-hunting
 in ,bengal4 ,my dear chap1 ,i am as    
full of inconsistencies as an egg's full
 of meat4 ,so are you2 so is every man4 
,the best of us are but poor weaklings1 
for we are each carrying the instincts  
of millions of our tree- and            
cave-dwelling ancestors on our backs4   
,my point1 however1 is that in spite of 
our weaknesses and animalisms we are    
predominantly good4 ,i am a caveman once
 in five years2 ,i am a reasoning       
humanitarian the rest of the time4 ,you 
fasten on my elemental side and refuse  
to think that there can be any good in  
my humanitarian side4  ,you see1 ,i     
quite earnestly believe that your       
respect for law and authority is        
genuine1 almost religious1 and the fact 
that ,i saw you break the law by riding 

without a light doesn't make me doubt   
your respect for law4  ,i had had a     
puncture1 he explained4  ,exactly6      
,extenuating circumstances4 ,that's what
 ,i might plead when ,i kick the boy who
 deliberately punctures my machine 444  
but you would laugh4 ,why1 ,i think ,i  
should start in to lecture you on your  
inconsistencies6  ,i find that the worst
 man to answer is the fundamental       
antagonist4 ,i used to be stumped by the
 anti-socialist cry3 ,socialism will    
destroy enterprise6444 until ,i         
discovered that the best answer to this 
was3 ,if enterprise has made modern     
capitalism and industrialism1 by all    
means let it be destroyed4 ,macdonald   
will crow over what he considers my     
failure to be consistent1 but it will   
never once strike him that my frank     
self-analysis is a thing that he will   
never practise himself4  ,confound      
,macdonald6 ,he has led me into         
defending myself2 he never defends      
himself when ,i attack him2 he is far   

too cocksure to have any doubts about   
himself4     ,v4   ,i am losing ,jim    
,jackson4 ,the battle for his soul is   
unequal4 ,macdonald has him all the day1
 while ,i only see him at intervals4 ,he
 came up to the farm to-night1 and he   
was morose in manner4 ,his face is      
gradually assuming a sneering           
expression1 and his repartee is less    
spontaneous and more biting4 ,i managed 
to bring back his better self to-night1 
but ,i fear that a day will soon come   
when he will sink his better self for   
ever4 ,his father and mother are people 
after ,macdonald's own heart4 ,they are 
typical village folk1 stupid and        
aggressive4 ,oh1 ,i loathe the village2 
it reminds me of ,george ,douglas's     
,barbie in ,the ,house with the ,green  
,shutters2 it is full of envy and malice
 and smallness4 ,there are too many     
friends in the village4 ,mrs4 ,bell is  
,mrs4 ,webster's sister1 and they have  
lived next door to each other for       
twenty-five years1 during which time    

they have not exchanged a single word4  
,they quarrelled over the division of   
their mother's goods4 ,when the father  
dies they will meet and weep together   
over his coffin2 they will be           
inseparable for a few days 444 then they
 will have a row over the old           
grandfather clock1 and they won't speak 
to each other again4  ,peter ,jackson is
 a loud-mouthed fool1 and his wife is a 
warrior4 ,she has the jaw of a          
prize-fighter4 ,jim was dissecting the  
front wheel of his old bicycle the other
 night at the door1 and ,i stopped to   
give him a hand with the balls4 ,his    
mother came to the door4  ,jim6 she     
rasped1 come away to yer bed6  ,wait    
till ,aw get thae balls in1 mother1 he  
pleaded4  ,come away to yer bed this    
meenute6 she bawled1 or ,aw'll gie ye   
the biggest thrashin' ye ever got in yer
 life6 ,and the poor boy had to leave   
his cycle and obey4  ,what about this8  
,i said to the mother1 and ,i pointed to
 the cycle4  ,he'd no business takin' it

 to bits1 she shouted and she slammed   
the door4  ,poor lad6 ,between          
,macdonald and a mother like that he    
will live hardly4 ,each will break his  
will2 each will insist on perfect       
obedience to arbitrary orders4 ,i am    
honestly amazed at the small success ,i 
had with ,jim4 ,he was leaving my free  
school every night to go home to an     
atmosphere of anger and brutal          
stupidity4 ,now he is leaving his poor  
home every morning to go to the prison  
of ,macdonald4 ,no wonder the lad is    
lapsing4 ,in a few years he will be a   
typical villager2 he will stand at the  
brig of an evening and make caustic     
comments on the passers-by2 he will     
sneer at everything and everybody4      
,macdonald is thinking about the        
answering ,jim will do when the         
inspector comes2 ,i was thinking of the 
,jim that would one day stand at the    
brig among his acquaintances4 ,i didn't 
care a brass farthing what he learned or
 how much he attended2 all ,i tried to  

do was to help him to be a fine man1 a  
kindly man1 a free man4  ,i recollect a 
young teacher who visited my school one 
morning4  ,i should like to see you give
 a lesson1 he said4  ,with pleasure1 ,i 
replied4  ,what sort of lesson will it  
be8 he asked1 geography or history8  ,i 
don't know1 ,i said1 and ,i turned to my
 bairns4  ,why do rabbits have white    
tails8 ,i asked1 and from that we       
wandered on through protective          
coloration and heredity to wolves and   
their fear of fire4 ,we finished up with
 poetry1 but ,i don't recollect how we  
got to it4 ,when ,i had finished he     
pondered for a little4  ,it's all wrong1
 he said4 ,that boy in the corner was   
half asleep2 four of these girls weren't
 really attending to you1 and two girls 
left the room4  ,my fault1 ,i said4 ,i  
took them to subjects they weren't      
interested in4  ,no1 he said decidedly1 
it was only your fault in not forcing   
them to sit up and attend4  ,but why    
should ,i8 ,i asked wearily4 ,schooling 

is the beginning of the education we    
call life1 and ,i want to make it as    
true to life as possible4 ,in after life
 no one compels my attention or yours4  
,we can sleep in church and we can sleep
 at a political meeting4 ,we learn lots 
of things but we are interested in them4
 ,tell me1 what boy in this room        
answered best8  ,he pointed to a boy of 
twelve4  ,i agree1 ,i said1 and ,i      
called the boy to my desk4  ,hugh1 ,i   
said1 kindly tell this gentleman how    
long you have been at school4  ,a week1 
sir1 he replied4  ,what school did you  
come from8 asked the visitor4  ,i never 
was at any school in my life1 he said1  
my father lives in a caravan and ,i     
never was long enough in a place to go  
to school4  ,i explained that ,hugh had 
come voluntarily to me saying3 ,my      
father can't read or write1 and ,i can't
 either1 but ,i want to be able to read 
about the war and things like that4  ,i 
don't know what to make of it1 said my  
visitor4  ,it is a great lesson on      

education1 ,i said4 ,he feels that he   
wants to read 444 and he comes to school
 seeking knowledge4 ,and that's what ,i 
want to supersede compulsion4 ,if ,i had
 my way no boy would learn to read a    
word until he desired to read2 no boy   
would do anything unless he wanted to do
 it4  ,then he brought forward the old  
argument that freedom like that was     
handicapping them for after life2 they  
would not face difficulties4  ,hugh was 
up against a greater difficulty than    
most boys ever come up against1 ,i said1
 and he faced it bravely and            
confidently4 ,when you are free from    
authority you have a will of your own2  
you know exactly what you want and you  
set your teeth and get it4 ,you are on  
your own1 you have acquired             
responsibility4 ,given a dictating      
teacher or parent a boy will do the     
minimum on his own responsibility4 ,good
 lord6 if ,i make all these youngsters  
sit up and attend strenuously to my     
speaking ,i am not training them to face

 difficulties2 ,i am simply bullying    
them1 making them a subject race4  ,you 
are training character4  ,i would be    
training children to obey1 and the first
 thing a child should learn is to be a  
rebel4 ,if a man isn't a rebel by the   
time he is twenty-five1 ,god help him6  
,character simply means a man's nature1 
and ,i refuse to change a man's nature  
by force2 ,i leave the experiment to the
 judges and prison warders4  ,i want to 
ask every dominie who believes in       
coercion what he thinks of the results  
of many years' coercion4 ,obviously     
present-day civilisation with its       
criminal division of humanity into      
parasites and slaves is all wrong4      
,but1 a dominie might cry1 can you      
definitely blame elementary education   
for that8  ,i answer3 ,yes1 yes1 yes6   
,the manhood of ,britain to-day has     
passed through the schools2 they have   
been lulled to sleep2 they have never   
learned to face the awful truth about   
civilisation4 ,and ,i blame the coercion

 of the teachers4 ,train a boy to obey  
his teacher and he will naturally obey  
every dirty politician who has the      
faculty of rhetoric2 he will naturally  
believe the lies of every dirty         
newspaper proprietor that is playing his
 own dirty game4                        
99       99       99  ,i have been      
spending the week-end with a man ,i used
 to dig with in ,london4 ,he is a great 
raconteur and we sat late swopping      
yarns4  ,did you ever hear a good yarn  
without a point8 he asked4  ,i said that
 ,i hadn't4  ,well1 ,i'll tell you one1 
he said1 and he trotted out the         
following4  ,in a small seaside town on 
the east coast an ancient mariner sits  
on the beach and yarns to visitors4     
,when the ,balkan ,war was going on my  
friend asked him if he had ever been to 
,turkey4 ,my friend assured me that the 
man had never been farther than         
,newcastle in his life4  ,man1 said the 
mariner reflectively1 ,aw mind when an  
order cam from the ,sultan o' ,turkey to

 the sweetie works here for peppermints4
 ,the manager cam doon to me and he says
 to me1 says he3 ',man1 ,jock1 ,aw      
wonder if ye would care to tak oot a    
cargo o' peppermints to the ,sultan o'  
,turkey8'  ,aweel1 the ',daisy' was     
lyin' in the harbour at the time1 so ,aw
 says that ,aw wud tak them oot4  ,weel1
 we got them aboard1 and awa we sailed1 
and a damned rough passage we had too2  
man1 the ,bay o' ,biscay was as bad as  
,aw've ever seen it4  ,weel1 we got to  
,constantinople1 and here was the       
,sultan stannin' on the pier wi' his    
hands in his breek pooches4 ,he cam     
aboard and said he wud like to hae a    
look o' the peppermints4 ,he had a look 
o' them1 and syne he comes up to me and 
he says3 ',look here1 captain1 ,aw've   
been haein' a look o' yer crew1 and 444 
weel1 to tell the truth1 ,aw dinna like 
the look o' them2 there's not wan that  
,aw wud like to trust up at the harem4  
,so1 captain1 ,aw was just thinkin' that
 ,aw wud like ye to carry up thae       

peppermints yersel 444 ye're a married  
man1 are ye no8'  ,aw telt him that ,aw 
was1 and ,aw started to carry up thae   
peppermints1 and a damned hard job it   
was1 man4 ,they werena the ordinary     
pepperies1 ye ken2 they were great      
muckle things like curlin' stanes4      
,weelaweel1 ,aw got them a' carried up1 
and ,aw was standin' wipin' the sweat   
frae my face when the ,sultan comes     
anower to me4  ',aye1 captain1' says he1
 'that'll be dry wark8'  ',yes1 sir1'   
says ,i1 'gey dry4'  ',are ye a         
'totaller8' says he4  ',no1' says ,i1   
and he taks me by the arm and says3     
',c'wa and hae a nip6'  ,weel1 we gaed  
into a pub1 and he ordered twa nips 444 
aye1 and damned guid whiskey it was too4
 ,we had another twa nips1 and ,aw'm    
standin' wi' the ,sultan at the door1   
just aboot to shak hands wi' him1 ye    
ken1 and he says to me1 says he3        
',captain1 wud ye like to see the       
harem8' and ,aw said ,aw wud verra much4
 ,so he taks haud o' my arm and we goes 

up the brae4 ,we cam to a great muckle  
hoose1 and he taks a gold key oot o' his
 pooch1 and opens the door4  ,man1 ,aw  
never saw the likes o' yon6 ,the floor  
was a' gold1 and the window-blinds was  
gold4 ,and the wemen6 7,the mariner     
conveyed his admiration by a long       
whistle47  ,weel1 ,aw was standin' just 
inside the door wi' my bonnet in my     
hand1 when a bonny bit lassie comes up  
to me and threw hersell at my feet and  
took haud o' my knees and sang3 ',far   
awa to bonny ,scotland6'  ,man1 the     
tears cam into my een as she was        
singin'4  ,syne the ,sultan turns to me4
  ',aye1 man1' he says1 says he1        
'speakin' aboot ,scotland3 ,scotland's  
the finest country on earth2 but there's
 wan thing ,aw canna stand aboot        
,scotland1 and that's yer dawmed green  
kail4 ,there's no a continental stammick
 will haud it doon4'  ,my friend        
informed me that he never met an        
,englishman who appreciated that yarn4  
99       99       99  ,i begin to wonder

 whether ,i am falling in love4 ,ever   
since ,margaret blushed when she passed 
me on the brae ,i have been extremely   
conscious of her existence4 ,i find that
 ,i am beginning to look for her1 and ,i
 go to the dairy on the flimsiest of    
pretences4 ,i was there three times this
 afternoon4  ,what do you want this     
time8 she asked with a laugh at my third
 appearance4  ,i hardly know1 ,i said   
slowly1 but ,i think ,i wanted to see   
your bare arms again4  ,she hastily drew
 down her sleeves and reddened2 then to 
cover her confusion she made a show of  
putting me out forcibly4 ,how ,i managed
 to refrain from kissing her tempting   
lips ,i don't know4 ,i nearly fell 444  
but it suddenly came to me that a kiss  
might mean so very much to her and so   
little to me and 444 ,i resisted the    
temptation4  ,she is fast losing her    
shyness1 and she talks to me with       
growing frankness4 ,she has begun to    
read much lately1 and she devours penny 
novelettes with avidity4 ,she has a     

romantic mind1 and my realism sometimes 
shocks her4 ,i happened to meet her in  
town last ,saturday1 and ,i took her to 
the pictures4 ,she was intensely moved  
by a romantic film story1 and when ,i   
explained that the stuff was rank       
sentimentalism and rhetoric she seemed  
to be offended4  ,you criticise         
everything1 she cried angrily1 don't you
 believe that there is any good in the  
world8  ,you will never be happy1 she   
added seriously1 you criticise too much4
  ,surely1 ,i cried1 you don't imagine  
that ,i criticise you6  ,i do1 she said 
bitterly4 ,you criticise yourself and me
 and everybody4 ,i am always in terror  
that ,i make a slip in grammar before   
you4  ,margaret6 ,i cried with real     
sorrow1 ,i hate to think that ,i have   
given you that impression4  ,i was      
silent for a long time4  ,kid1 ,i said1 
you are quite right4 ,i do criticise    
everything and everybody1 but a better  
word is analyse2 ,i analyse myself and  
then ,i try to analyse you4  ,as a boy1 

,i added1 my chief pastime was buying   
sixpenny watches and tearing their      
insides out to see how they worked 444  
but ,i never saw how they worked4  ,yes1
 she said1 and that's what you would do 
if you had a wife2 you would tear her to
 bits just to see how she worked 444 and
 you would never find out how she worked
 either4  ,perhaps ,i might1 ,i said    
with a smile4 ,when ,i dissected watches
 ,i was inexperienced2 nowadays ,i could
 take a watch to pieces and find out how
 it worked4 ,perhaps ,i might manage to 
put my wife together again1 ,margaret4  
,there would be one or two wheels left  
over1 she laughed4  ,i should like her  
better without them1 said ,i4  ,oh6 she 
cried impatiently1 why can't you be like
 other men8 ,what's the use of looking  
into the inside of everything8 ,look at 
father2 he never bothered about what    
mother was2 he just thought her perfect 
and look how happy he is6  ,ah6 ,i said 
teasingly1 ,i understand6 ,you don't    
want a man to analyse you in case he    

discovers that you aren't perfect6  ,she
 looked at me frankly4  ,i wouldn't like
 to be thought perfect1 she said slowly4
 ,i sometimes think that mother would   
think far more of father if he saw some 
faults in her4  ,i am quite puzzled1 ,i 
said2 you grumble because ,i analyse    
people and now you grumble because your 
father doesn't4 ,what do you mean1      
child8 ,but she shook her head          
helplessly4  ,oh1 ,i don't know1 she    
cried1 and she sat for a long time in   
deep thought4  ,as ,i sat by her side in
 the picture-house tea-room ,i          
recollected a saying of her's one day   
last week4 ,i was sitting at the bothy  
door reading ,the ,new ,age1 and at my  
feet lay ,the ,nation and ,the ,new     
,statesman4 ,she picked up ,the ,nation 
and glanced at its pages4  ,i don't know
 why you waste your money on papers like
 that1 she said petulantly4 ,you spend  
eighteenpence a week on papers1 and     
father only gets ,john ,bull and ,the   
,people's ,journal4  ,it suddenly came  

to me that ,margaret was not thinking of
 the money side of the question at all2 
what annoyed her was the thought that   
these papers were a symbol of a world   
that she did not know4 ,and now ,i      
wonder whether woman is not always      
jealous of a man's work4 ,it is a long  
time since ,i read ,antony and          
,cleopatra1 but ,i half fancy that      
,cleopatra was much more jealous of     
,antony's work than of his wife4        
,,vi4   ,dickie ,gibson cut me dead     
to-night1 and ,i think that ,jim        
,jackson will one day look the other way
 when ,i pass4 ,it is very sad1 and ,i  
feel to-night that all my work was in   
vain4 ,i cannot1 however1 blame         
,macdonald this time1 for ,dickie has   
left the school4 ,i feel somewhat       
grieved at not being able to lay the    
fault at ,macdonald's door4 ,i should   
blame myself if ,i honestly could1 but  
,i cannot1 for ,dickie was a lad who    
loved the school4  ,i recollect the     
morning when we arrived to find a huge  

stone cast in the middle of the pond4   
,it's been some of the big lads1 said   
,dickie4  ,but why8 ,i asked4 ,why      
should they do a dirty trick like that8 
,would you do a thing like that1        
,dickie1 after you had left the school8 
,he thought for a minute4  ,aye1 he said
 slowly1 if ,aw was with bigger lads and
 they did it ,aw wud do it too4  ,i     
suppose that if ,i had been a really    
great man ,i might have conquered the   
spirit of the village4 ,i was only a    
poor pioneer striving to make these     
bairns happier and better4 ,dickie's    
cutting me proves that ,i was not good  
enough to lead him away from the        
atmosphere of the village4 ,i used to   
forget about the homes2 ,i used to      
forget that many a child had to listen  
to harsh criticisms of my methods4 ,i   
marvel now that they were so nice at    
school4 ,i wonder whether we could not  
form a ,board to enquire into the       
upbringing of children4 ,we might call  
it the ,board of ,parental ,control4 ,it

 would bring parents before it and      
examine them4 ,parents convicted of     
stupidity would be ordered to hand over 
their children to a ,playyard ,school1  
and each child would be so taught that  
it could take in hand the education of  
its parents when it was seventeen4  ,my 
idea was to produce a generation that   
would be better than the present one1   
and ,i thought that ,i could            
successfully fight the environment of   
home4 ,i failed4444 ,dickie has cut me4 
,the fight was unequal2 the village won4
 ,after all ,i had ,dickie for two short
 years1 and the village has had him for 
fourteen4 ,poor boy1 he has much good in
 him1 much innate kindliness4 ,but the  
village is stupid and spiteful4 ,i am   
absolutely sure that ,dickie cut me     
because he wanted to follow the public  
opinion of the village4  ,am ,i         
magnifying a merely personal matter8 ,am
 ,i merely piqued because ,i was cut8   
,no one likes to be cut2 it isn't a     
compliment at any time4 ,no1 ,i am not  

piqued3 ,i am intensely angry1 not at   
poor ,dickie1 but at the dirty          
environment that makes him a cad4 ,lucky
 is the dominie who teaches bairns from 
good homes4 ,last summer when ,i spent  
half a day in the ,king ,alfred ,school 
in ,hampstead ,i envied ,john ,russell  
his pupils4 ,they were all children of  
parents who were intellectual enough to 
seek a free education for their children
 in a land where the schools are        
barracks4 ,if ,i only had children like 
these6 ,i said to him1 but a moment     
later ,i thought of my little school up 
north and ,i said3 ,no6 ,mine need      
freedom more than these4  ,the ,king    
,alfred ,school is a delightful place4  
,there is co-education 444 a marvellous 
thing to an ,englishman1 but not        
noticeable by a ,scot who has never     
known any other kind4 ,there is no      
reward and no punishment1 no marks1 no  
competition4 ,a child looks on each task
 as a work of art1 and his one desire is
 to please himself rather than please   

his teacher4 ,the tone of the school is 
excellent2 the pupils are frankly       
critical and delightfully               
self-possessed4 ,and since parents      
choose this school voluntarily ,i       
presume that the education we call      
home-life is ideal4 ,how easy it must be
 for ,john ,russell6 ,if my ,dickie had 
been going home each night to a father  
and mother who were as eager for truth  
and freedom as ,i was1 ,i don't think   
that ,dickie would have cut me to-night4
                             99       99
       99  ,dickie came up for his milk 
to-night1 and ,i hailed him as he went  
down the brae4  ,here1 ,dickie6 ,i      
called1 why have you given up looking at
 me8  ,he grew very red1 and he stood   
kicking a stone with his heel4  ,i don't
 want you to touch your cap1 ,dickie1   
but you might at least say ,hullo to me 
in the passing4 ,some of the big lads   
who left school before ,i came look at  
me impudently1 and ,i know that their   
look means3 ',bah6 ,i've left the school

 and ,i don't care a button for you or  
any other dominie6' ,but1 ,dickie1 you  
know me well2 you never were afraid of  
me1 and ,i know that you don't think me 
your enemy4 ,why in all the earth should
 you pretend that you do8  ,i held out  
my hand4  ,dickie1 ,i said1 are you and 
,i to be friends or not8  ,he hesitated 
for a moment1 then he took my hand4     
,friends1 he said weakly1 and his eyes  
filled with tears4 ,then ,i knew that ,i
 had not been mistaken in thinking that 
there was much good in the boy4  ,having
 made it up with ,dickie ,i set off with
 a light heart to attend a meeting of   
the ,gifts for ,local ,soldiers         
,committee4 ,the chairman was absent and
 ,i was invited to take the chair4 ,bill
 ,watson brought forward a motion that  
the ,committee should get up a concert  
to provide funds4  ,mr4 ,watson's       
proposal is that we arrange a concert1  
,i said4 ,is there any seconder8        
,aweel1 said ,andrew ,findlay1 ,aw think
 that a concert wud be a verra guid     

thing4 ,the nichts is beginnin' to draw 
in1 and it wud be best to hae it as soon
 as possible4 ,the tatties will be on in
 twa three days4  ,the proposal is      
seconded4 ,any amendment1 gentlemen8    
,man1 said ,peter ,mac,mannish the      
cobbler1 man1 ,aw was just lookin' at   
,lappiedub's tatties the nicht4 ,man1   
yon's a dawmed guid crap4  ,them that's 
in the wast field is better1 said       
,andrew4  ,but the best crap o' wheat   
,aw seen the year1 said ,dauvid ,peters1
 was ,torrydyke's4  ,any amendment1     
gentlemen8  ,torrydyke ay has graund    
wheat1 said ,peter4 ,d'ye mind yon      
year--ninety-sax 444 or was it          
ninety-seeven8--man1 they tell me that  
he made a pile o' siller that year4     
,ninety-sax1 growled ,william ,mackenzie
 the farmer of ,brigend1 it was         
ninety-sax1 for ,aw mind that my broon  
coo dee'd that summer4  ,aw mind o' her1
 nodded ,andrew1 grass disease1 wasn't  
it8  ,aye1 said ,mackenzie4 ,aw sent to 
,lochars for the vet but he was awa frae

 hame4 ,syne ,aw sent a telegram to the 
,wanners vet1 and when he cam he says to
 me1 says he--  ,any amendment1         
gentlemen8 ,i said4  ,goad1 lads1 said  
,andrew sitting up in his chair1 we'll  
hae to get on wi' the business4  ,no    
amendment1 ,i said4 ,are we all agreed  
about this concert8 and they grunted    
their assent4  ,and now we'll settle the
 date1 ,i said briskly4  ,peter         
,mac,mannish looked over at ,mackenzie4 
,when are ye thinkin' o' killin' that   
black swine o' yours1 ,john8 he asked4  
,mackenzie growled and shook his head4  
,she's no fattenin' up as ,aw cud wish  
to see her1 ,peter1 he replied4 ,there  
followed an animated discussion of the  
merits and demerits of various          
feeding-stuffs4 ,after a two hours'     
sitting the ,committee unanimously      
appointed me secretary and organiser of 
the concert4 ,i was given authority to  
fix a date and arrange a programme4     
,attendance at many democratic meetings 
of this kind has led me to a complete   

understanding of ,parliament4           
99       99       99  ,it is ,sunday    
to-day4 ,i sat reading in the afternoon 
and a knock came at my bothy door4      
,come in6 ,i shouted1 and ,annie walked 
in4  ,me and ,janet and ,ellen are going
 for a walk over the hill1 and we thocht
 you might like to come too4            
,certainly6 ,i cried1 and ,i threw      
,shaw's latest volume of plays into the 
bed4  ,margaret's wi' us too1 said      
,annie as if it were an afterthought4   
,there was a fight for my arms4  ,annie 
was first1 ,i said1 and we'll toss up   
for the other arm4  ,let ,margaret get  
it1 said ,janet mischievously1 and      
,margaret's nose went almost            
imperceptibly higher in the air4        
,excellent6 ,i said1 and ,i took her arm
 and placed it through mine4 ,janet and 
,ellen walked behind1 and they sniggered
 a good deal4  ,just fancy the mester   
noo6 said ,janet1 linkit wi' ,maggie6   
,he'll hae to marry her noo1 ,ellen6    
,and poor ,margaret became very red and 

began to talk at a great rate4  ,g'wa1  
,jan1 ,i heard ,ellen say1 he's far ower
 auld4 ,maggie's only twenty next month1
 and he's--he could be her faither4     
,he's no very auld1 ,ellen2 he hasna a  
mootache yet6  ,aw wudna like a man wi' 
a mootache1 ,jan2 ,liz ,macqueen says   
that she gave up ,jock ,wilson cos his  
mootache was ower kittly4  ,weel1 she   
was tellin' a big lee1 said ,janet      
firmly4 ,if she loved him she wud ha'   
telt him to shave it off4  ,we lay down 
in the wood at the top of the hill4     
,annie was in a reminiscent mood4  ,d'ye
 mind the letters we used to write to   
one another8 she asked4  ,i pretended   
that ,i had forgotten them4  ,do ye no  
mind8 ,one day when ,i wasna attendin'  
to the lesson ye wrote ',annie ,miller  
is sacked' on a bit paper and gave it to
 me8  ,ah1 yes1 ,i remember1 ,annie1 now
 that you come to mention it4 ,but ,i   
can't remember your reply4  ,aw took    
another bit o' paper1 and ,aw wrote3    
',mr4 ,neill is sacked for not making me

 attend4'  ,yes1 you besom1 ,i remember 
now4 ,i'll sack you6 and ,i rolled her  
over in the grass4  ,there was another  
letter1 ,annie1 ,i said1 do you remember
 it8 and she said ,no6 so quickly that  
,i knew she did remember it4  ,i turned 
to ,margaret4  ,annie came to school one
 day with her hair most beautifully done
 in ringlets1 ,i explained1 and of      
course ,i fell in love with her at once4
 ,i wrote her a letter4444 ',my ,dear   
,annie1 do you think yourself bonny     
to-day8' and the wee besom replied3     
',no1 ,i don't6' ,then ,i wrote her     
again4444 ',do you ever tell lies8' and 
to this she answered3 ',no1 never6'     
,then ,i calmly handed her the ,life of 
,george ,washington4  ,but ,aw never    
read it6 she cried with a gay laugh4  ,i
 know 444 and that's why you have never 
reformed1 my dear kid1 ,i said4  ,ellen1
 said ,janet1 d'ye mind that day when   
you and me got up and walked oot o' the 
room8  ,what day was that8 ,i asked2 you
 two went out of the room so often that 

,i gave up trying to see you4  ,it was  
the day when a man cam to the schule and
 stood in the room when ye was teachin' 
us4 ,there was a new boy1 the caravan   
boy that had never been to schule in his
 life1 and ye said that he was better   
than any o' us4  ,so ,jan and me took   
the tig1 said ,ellen1 and we went oot   
and sat on the dike4  ,janet hee-heed4  
,d'ye mind what we said1 ,ellen8 ,we    
said we werena to go back to the schule2
 we were to go up to ,rinsley schule to 
,mester ,lawson4  ,aye1 said ,ellen1 and
 we said we wudna gie ye another sweetie
 444 no1 never6  ,and ,i suppose you    
gave me sweeties next day8 ,i suggested4
  ,we gave ye a whole ha'penny worth o' 
chocolate caramels1 said ,janet4 ,her   
head rested on my knee and she smiled up
 in my face4 ,ye were far ower easy wi' 
us1 she said seriously1 we never did    
half the lessons ye gave us to do4  ,i  
know1 ,jan1 but ,i didn't particularly  
want you to do lessons2 all ,i wanted   
was that you should be ,janet ,brown and

 no one else4 ,i wanted you to be a good
 kind lassie 444 and of course1 as you  
know1 ,i failed4 ,and she pulled my nose
 at this4  ,i didn't like the school    
when ,i was there1 said ,margaret2 ,i   
never was so glad in my life as when ,i 
was fourteen4  ,poor ,margaret1 ,i said1
 your schooling should be the           
pleasantest memory of your life4 ,what  
you learned from books doesn't matter at
 all2 what matters is what you were4    
,and it seems that memory will bring to 
you a picture of an unhappy ,margaret   
longing to leave school4 ,what a        
tragedy6  ,is being happy the best thing
 in life8 asked ,margaret4  ,not the    
best1 ,i answered2 the best thing in    
life is making other people happy 444   
and that's what the books mean by       
'service4'                              
99       99       99  ,margaret came    
over to my bothy to-night to ask if ,i  
would help ,nancy with her home lessons4
  ,she's crying like anything1 said     
,margaret4  ,i went over to the         

farmhouse4 ,nancy sat at the kitchen    
table with her books spread out before  
her4 ,she was wiping her eyes and looked
 like beginning to weep again4  ,it's   
her pottery1 explained ,frank1 she canna
 get it up at all4  ,macdonald had      
ordered the class to learn the first six
 verses of ,gray's ,elegy1 and          
threatened dire penalties if each       
scholar wasn't word perfect4  ,i'm      
afraid ,i can't help you much1 ,nancy1  
,i said4 ,you'll just have to set your  
teeth and get it up4 ,don't repeat it   
line by line2 read the six verses over1 
then read them again1 then again4 ,read 
them twenty times1 then shut the book   
and imagine the page is before you1 and 
see how much of the stuff you can say4  
,i used to find this method very        
effectual when ,i got up long           
recitations in my younger days4         
,macdonald gives his higher classes long
 poems4 ,they have learned up pages of  
,marmion and pages of ,the ,lady of the 
,lake2 and now he is giving them the    

long and difficult ,elegy4 ,i must ask  
him some day what his idea is4 ,i made  
learning poetry optional when ,i was in 
the school4 ,i eschewed all long poems1 
and ,i never asked a child to stand up  
and say a piece4 ,my view was that      
school poetry should be school          
folk-song2 ,i used to write short pieces
 on the board and the classes recited   
them in unison4 ,i gave no hint of      
expression1 for expression should always
 be a natural thing4 ,i have been timid 
of expression ever since the day ,i     
heard1 or rather saw1 a youth recite    
,the ,dream of ,eugene ,aram4 ,when he  
came to the climax 444 ,and lo6 the     
faithless stream was dry6 ,i suddenly   
discovered that ,i was dry too1 and ,i  
did not wait until ,eugene was led away 
with gyves upon his wrists4 ,i once saw 
,sir ,henry ,irving in ,the ,bells4 ,i  
was a schoolboy at the time and ,i      
straightway spent all my pocket money on
 books dealing with elocution2 ,i also  
would tear my hair before the           

footlights6 ,looking back now ,i wonder 
why ,irving bothered with stuff of that 
sort2 why his sense of humour allowed   
him to grope about the stage for the axe
 to kill the ,polish ,jew ,i don't      
understand4 ,all that melodramatic      
romantic business is simply theatrical  
gush4 ,it appeals to the classes that   
devour the ,police ,news4  ,expression  
when taught is gush4 ,when ,i gave my   
bairns a bit of ,the ,ancient ,mariner  
the whole crowd brightened up and       
shouted when they came to the verse3--  
,i bit my arm1 ,i sucked the blood      
,and cried3 ,a sail6 ,a sail6   ,they   
understood that part1 but they put no   
special expression into the stanza3--   
,all in a hot and copper sky1           
,the bloody sun at noon      ,right up  
above the mast did stand1        ,no    
bigger than the moon4   ,the boys used  
to emphasise the adjective in the second
 line1 but that was perhaps natural in a
 community where strong language is the 
prerogative of grown-ups4 ,i suppose    

that a teacher of expression would have 
pointed out that the right arm must be  
raised gracefully at the third line1 and
 the voice lowered awfully to show the  
marvellous significance of the fact that
 the crudoric sun was no bigger than the
 moon4  ,all ,i tried to give my bairns 
was an appreciation of rhythm4 ,they    
loved the trochaic rhythm of a poem1    
,marsh ,marigolds1 by ,g4 ,f4 ,bradby1  
that ,i discovered in a school          
anthology3--        ,slaty skies and a  
whistling wind and a grim grey land1    
,april here with a sullen mind and a    
frozen hand1      ,hardly a bird with   
the heart to sing1 or a bud that dares  
to pry1      ,only the plovers hovering1
      ,on the lonely marsh1 with a heavy
 wing      ,and a sad slow cry4   ,and  
it used to make me joyful to hear them  
gallop through ,stevenson's delightful  
,my ,ship and ,i3--        ,oh6 it's ,i 
that am the captain of a tidy little    
ship1      ,of a ship that goes         
a-sailing on the pond1      ,and my ship

 it keeps a-turning all around and all  
about1      ,but when ,i'm a little     
older ,i shall find the secret out      
,how to send my vessel sailing on       
beyond6   ,i never gave them a poem that
 needed any explanation4 ,i picture     
,macdonald painfully explaining the     
,elegy4444 ,yes1 children1 the phrase   
'incense-breathing morn' means4444  ,i'm
 gravelled2 ,i haven't the faintest     
notion of what the phrase means4 ,gray  
annoys me2 he is far too perfect for me4
 ,i fancy that he rewrote each line     
about a score of times in his mania for 
the correct word4 ,gray is ,milton with 
a dictionary4  ,i once read that        
,stevenson studied the dictionary often1
 used to spend a rainy day reading the  
thing1 and his prose does give me the   
impression that he cared more for how he
 said a thing than for the thing itself4
 ,i think ,george ,douglas a greater    
writer2 indeed ,i should call him the   
greatest novelist ,scotland has         
produced4 ,his style is inevitable2 his 

whole attention seems to be riveted on  
the matter of his story1 and his        
arresting phrases seem to come from him 
naturally and thoughtlessly4 ,when you  
read of ,gourlay's agony in ,barbie     
market on the day that his son's        
disgrace is known to everyone1 you see  
the great hulk of a man1 you hear his   
great breaths 444 you are one of the    
villagers who peep at him fearfully4    
,every word is inevitable2 the picture  
is perfect4 ,i should be surprised if   
anyone told me that ,douglas altered a  
single word after he had written it4    
,when ,i want to feel humble ,i take up 
,the ,house with the ,green ,shutters4  
,i have read it a score of times1 and ,i
 hope to read it a score of times again4
     ,,vii4   ,margaret looked up from  
the novelette she was reading4  ,are the
 aristocracy really like what they are  
in this story8 she asked4  ,i don't     
know1 ,i replied2 ,i'm not acquainted   
with the aristocracy1 but ,i should say 
that they aren't like the aristocracy in

 that yarn4 ,you see1 ,margaret1 ,i     
happen to know some of the men who write
 these novelettes4 ,murray is a don at  
them2 he'll turn one out between        
breakfast and dinner4 ,to the best of my
 knowledge ,murray has never dined in   
any restaurant more expensive than an   
,a4,b4,c4 shop 444 and his characters   
always dine at the ,ritz4  ,but have you
 never met anybody with a title8  ,i    
once collided with a man at the ,british
 ,museum door1 ,i said4 ,he was a       
,scot4444 ,i know that because neither  
of us apologised2 we merely jerked out  
',oh6' ,i am almost sure that the man   
was ,sir ,j4 ,m4 ,barrie4 ,and ,i shook 
hands with two dukes and three lords at 
a university dinner1 but they possibly  
have forgotten the incident4  ,no4 ,i   
don't know the aristocracy well4  ,i met
 a titled lady last summer4 ,i was      
staying at a country house near ,london1
 and this lady had the neighbouring     
house4 ,she came over on the ,sunday    
afternoon4 ,my host informed me that she

 had lost two sons in the war4 ,after   
she had gone ,i was asked what ,i       
thought of the ,english aristocracy1 and
 ,i gave my opinion in these words3--,to
 the ,english aristocracy property alone
 is sacred4 ,that woman has given the   
lives of her two sons willingly for her 
country1 but if she were asked to give  
half an acre of her estate to help pay  
for the war she would go mad with rage  
and disgust4  ,when ,i heard that lady  
grumble about the wickedness of the     
munition-workers4444 ,and1 my dear1     
women in shawls are buying pianos and   
seal-skin jackets6 444 ,i realised how  
hopeless was the cry of ,the ,new ,age  
for the ,conscription of ,wealth4 ,the  
powerful classes will resist            
,conscription of ,wealth as strenuously 
as they resist the ,germans4 ,yet the   
,conscription of ,men was in very many  
cases a ,conscription of ,wealth4 ,one  
had only to read the ,tribunal cases to 
discover that thousands of men had to   
deliver up all their wealth when they   

joined the army4 ,there was ,wrangler   
the actor2 his property was his talent  
to portray character1 and from that he  
drew his income4 ,his property was      
conscripted along with him4 ,it was     
fitting that he should give up all when 
the ,state required him to give it up4  
,but the ,state requires all the wealth 
of the moneyed classes1 and because     
economic power controls political power 
the ,state will not conscript the wealth
 of its real governors4  ,i see now that
 our education is founded on the        
unpleasant fact that property is more   
sacred than life4 ,teachers are         
encouraged to make their pupils         
patriotic2 every boy must be brought up 
in the belief that it is great and      
glorious to die for one's country4 ,a   
real patriotism would lead a boy to     
realise that it is a great and glorious 
thing to live for one's country2 the    
true patriot would teach his lads to    
make their country a great and glorious 
country to die for4 ,somehow our schools

 for the most part ignore this branch of
 patriotism2 it does not seem so        
important as the flag-waving and        
standing to attention that passes for   
patriotism4  ,macdonald is decorating   
the walls of the school with coloured   
prints of our warships4 ,to make them   
realise how much the navy means to them1
 he explained to me as ,i looked at     
them4  ,excellent6 ,i said4 ,the navy   
deserves all the respect we can give it4
 ,but1 ,macdonald1 in your position ,i  
should give a further lesson on         
patriotism2 ,i should point out to these
 bairns that while the glorious navy is 
defending our shores from a foreign     
enemy the enemy within is plundering the
 nation4 ,i should tell them that under 
the protection of the navy the          
profiteers are raising the prices of    
necessaries hand over fist4 ,all the    
patriotic flag-waving in the world won't
 help these bairns to understand that   
the patriotism of the masses is being   
exploited by the self-seeking of the    

dirty few4  ,patriotism6 ,we have       
popular weeklies that endeavour to make 
the people patriotic4 ,they lash        
themselves into a fury over momentous   
questions3 ,the ,ich ,dien on the crest 
of the ,prince of ,wales ,must ,go2 ,the
 ,duke of ,so-and-,so must have his     
,garter taken from him2 ,who was the    
,spy who sent ,kitchener to his doom8   
,the only way to encourage children to  
be patriotic is to tell them the sober  
truth about the important things of     
life4 ,the invention of the word shirker
 managed to effect that the most timid  
of men should fight for his country2    
public opinion will always look after   
the patriotism necessary for war4 ,but  
my complaint is that public opinion will
 not look after the patriotism necessary
 for peace4 ,if we were all true        
patriots there would be no slums1 no    
exploitation1 no profiteering4 ,and the 
patriotic lesson in school should deal  
with economics instead of jingo ballads 
of victories won4                       

99       99       99  ,i cycled twelve  
miles to-night1 and ,i raised a         
comfortable thirst4 ,when ,i came to the
 village ,i dropped into the ,glamis    
,arms and had a bottle of lager4 ,as ,i 
came out ,i ran into ,macdonald4  ,lucky
 fellow6 he laughed1 you have no        
position to maintain now and you can    
afford to quench a thirst6  ,position be
 blowed6 ,i said1 ,i drink when ,i'm    
dry1 and ,i always did4 ,when ,i was    
dominie here ,i dropped in here more    
than once in the hot weather4  ,and they
 sacked you6  ,not because of that1 ,i  
said1 but in spite of it4 ,believe me it
 was the one thing that made one or two 
villagers more amiable to me4  ,the     
,scot's attitude to the public-house is 
entertaining4 ,if you have any position 
to keep up you must not enter a         
public-house 444 you must get it in by  
the dozen4 ,when ,i first went to       
,london and entered a saloon bar in the 
,strand ,i was amazed to find women     
sitting with their husbands2 ,i was also

 amazed to find no drunks about4 ,in a  
,scots bar the most apparent phenomenon 
is wrangling4 ,i never heard an argument
 in a ,london bar1 and ,i have been in  
many3 ,i never saw a drunk man in       
,london1 and ,i was there for two years4
  ,the public-house in ,scotland is not 
respectable3 in ,england it is4 ,why    
this should be ,i can only guess4 ,the  
,scot may be a bigger hypocrite than the
 ,englishman2 what is more probable is  
that he may be a harder drinker4 ,in    
,scotland entering a public-house is    
synonymous with getting drunk4 ,yet     
there are what you might call alcoholic 
gradations4 ,a respectable farmer may   
enter a bar without comment1 but a      
teacher must not enter it4 ,he is the   
guide of the young1 and he must be an   
example4 ,teachers seldom enter village 
bars 444 and yet ,scotland is notorious 
for drinking4 ,if the teachers          
determined to become regular bar        
customers ,i conclude that ,scotland    
would drink herself off the face of the 

map4  ,i have a theory that the         
,calvinistic attitude to the            
public-house is the chief cause of      
,scots drunkenness4 ,when a ,scot enters
 a bar he knows that he won't have the  
courage to be seen coming out again 444 
and he very naturally says to himself3  
,ach1 to hell6 ,aw'll hae another just  
to fortify mysel' for gaein' oot6 ,the  
public-house isn't a public-house at    
all2 it is the most private of houses4  
,peter ,soutar the leading elder in the 
kirk here always carries a bundle of    
church magazines in his hand when he    
enters the ,glamis ,arms2 when the date 
is past magazine time he enters by the  
back door4 ,jeemes ,walker the leading  
,free ,kirk elder goes in to read the   
gospel to old ,mrs4 ,melville the       
invalid mother of the landlord1 and the 
village is uncharitable enough to remark
 in his hearing that he really goes to  
interview his brother ,johnny4 ,i think 
that it was the doctor who originated   
that joke4  ,a public-house is no place 

for a public man in ,scotland4          
99       99       99  ,the opening of   
the coal mines has brought to the       
neighbourhood a new type of person4 ,he 
is usually an engineer who has spent a  
good few years abroad1 and he is usually
 married 444 very much married4 ,his    
wife is always a grade above the wife of
 the engineer next door1 and the men    
appear to spend most of their leisure   
time in mending quarrels that their     
wives began4 ,most of the men are       
amiable fellows with the minimum of     
ideas and the maximum of knowledge of   
fishing and card-playing4 ,they have a  
certain dignity1 and they instantly     
freeze if you casually ask where        
such-and-such a light railway is to run4
  ,the wives seem to have no interest   
other than in servants and their        
manifold wickedness and cussedness4     
,they hold their noses high when they   
pass through the village1 and they bully
 the local shopkeepers4  ,when ,i was a 
dominie these women patronised me       

delightfully1 but now that ,i am a      
cattleman they are quite frank with me4 
,i puzzled over this for some time1 and 
the solution came to me suddenly4 ,they 
are all ,english women1 and in the      
,english village the dominie is on very 
much the same social level as the       
vicar's gardener4  ,mrs4 ,martinlake    
likes to chat to me now4 ,she is a      
middle-aged lady who loves to reminisce 
about duchesses she has known4 ,she once
 complained to me because the boys did  
not touch their caps to her1 and on my  
suggesting that they hadn't been        
introduced she became very indignant4   
,she called to me this morning as she   
passed the field ,i was working in4     
,ah6 ,good morning6 ,i've been looking  
for you for a long time4 ,i wanted to   
tell you how much the children have     
improved2 every village boy touches his 
cap to me now6 and she laughed gaily4   
,good6 ,i cried4 ,if this sort of thing 
goes on they will be touching their caps
 to their mothers next4  ,and why not8  

she demanded with a slight touch of     
aggression4  ,i shrugged my shoulders4  
,as you say--why not8 ,i think that you 
ought to persuade your little boy to    
touch his cap to all the mothers in the 
village4 ,i notice that he doesn't do   
it4 ,you take my tip and send him down  
to ,macdonald's school2 he'll soon pick 
it up4  ,she went off without a word1   
and ,i realised that ,i had been        
distinctly rude to her4 ,somehow ,i felt
 glad that ,i had been rude to her4  ,i 
told ,margaret about the incident       
afterwards4  ,i hate manners1 ,margaret1
 ,i said4  ,but1 she said wonderingly1  
you are very mannerly4  ,to you ,i      
believe ,i am1 ,margaret1 ,i laughed4   
,but that is because you don't look for 
manners4 ,mrs4 ,martinlake is eternally 
looking for manners1 and to her manners 
mean respect1 deference1 boot-licking4  
,she doesn't want the boys to doff their
 caps to her because she is a woman2 no1
 she wants them to recognise the fact   
that she is ,mrs4 ,martinlake1          

self-alleged friend of duchesses4 ,she  
doesn't care a tupenny damn for the boys
 and their lives2 she is thinking of    
,mrs4 ,martinlake all the time4 ,she    
once talked to me of the respect due to 
motherhood 444 and you know that she    
sacked ,liz ,smith when she discovered  
that ,liz had had an illegitimate child4
  ,women of that type get my back up1 ,i
 went on4 ,they are stupid1 low-minded1 
arrogant4 ,they are poor imitations of  
the ,parisian ladies who curled their   
lips contemptuously at the plebeian     
rabble that led them to the guillotine4 
,the ,parisian ladies had a fine pride  
of race to redeem their arrogance1 but  
these women have nothing but pride of   
class4 ,margaret1 if a teacher failed to
 teach a boy anything except the truth  
that deference is one of the ,seven     
,deadly ,virtues1 ,i should say that    
that teacher was a successful teacher4  
99       99       99  ,the concert was a
 success to-night4 ,the singing was     
good1 but the speech of the chairman1   

,peter ,mac,mannish1 was great4  ,ladies
 and ,gentlemen1  ,we're a' verra weel  
pleased to see sik a big turn-oot the   
nicht4 ,aw need hardly say onything     
aboot the object o' this concert1 but   
it's to get a puckle bawbees to send oot
 a clean pair o' socks and maybe a clean
 sark to oor local sojers oot in        
,france4--7,cheers74  ,weel1 ladies and 
gentlemen1 ,aw've made mony a speech on 
this platform in the days when ,aw      
fought for the ,conservative ,candidate1
 ,mester ,fletcher 7cheers1 and a voice3
 ',gie it a drink1 cobbler6'7  ,the     
light of battle leapt to ,peter's eyes4 
,aw ken that wheezin' ,radical's voice6 
he cried1 and ,aw wud just like to tell 
that voice that there's no room for     
,radicals in this war4 ,what was the    
attitude o' that man's party to         
,protection8 ,when ,mester ,chamberlain 
stood up in ,glesga ,toon ,hall what did
 he say8 ,i gently touched ,peter on the
 arm and reminded him of the concert and
 its object4  ,ladies and ,gentlemen1   

we'll no touch on thae topics here1 for 
ye cam here for another object than to  
listen to me 7several voices3 ',hear1   
hear6'7 ,afore we begin to the programme
 ,aw wud just like to say that we have  
to thank oor late dominie for gettin' up
 this concert4 ,some o' us had no love  
for him as a dominie1 but ,aw say let   
bygones be bygones4 ,we a' ken that he's
 no a teacher 7laughter71 but he's a    
clever fellow for a' that1 and we'll    
maybe see him in ,parliament yet4 ,that 
hoose has muckle need o' new blood4     
,when ,aw think o' ,lloyd ,george and   
that man ,churchill2 when ,aw see the   
condeetion they've brocht the country   
till2 when ,aw think o' the slack wye   
they've let the ,trade ,unions rob the  
country2 when ,aw see-- ,i coughed here1
 and ,peter drew up4  ,weel1 ,ladies and
 ,gentlemen1 this is no a poleetical    
meetin'1 and ,aw've muckle pleasure in  
callin' upon ,miss ,jean ,black for a   
sang1 he peered at his programme1 a sang
 enteeled3 ,a ,moonlight ,sonnita4 ,miss

 ,jean ,black forthwith sat down at the 
piano4  ,during the interval ,peter     
digged me in the ribs4  ,what d'ye think
 o' my suggestion1 dominie1 eh8  ,what  
suggestion8  ,aboot standin' for        
,parliament4 ,it's a payin' game        
noo-a-days 444 fower hunner a year and  
yer tea when the hoose is sittin'4      
,goad1 dominie1 think o' sittin' takkin'
 yer tea wi' ,airthur ,balfoor6 and he  
sighed wistfully as a child sighs when  
it dreams of fairyland and wakes to     
reality4  ,aye1 he said after a long    
pause1 ,aw wance shook hands wi' ,joe   
,chamberlain4 ,his lawware says to him3 
',this is ,mester ,mac,mannish1 wan o'  
yer chief supporters in the county1' and
 ,aw just taks my hand oot o' my breek  
pooch4 ',verra pleased to meet ye1' says
 ,aw 444 'and hoo is yer missis and the 
bairns8' ,man1 he lauched at that4 ,goad
 he lauched6  ,peter forgot the crowded 
hall2 he stared at the ceiling          
unseeingly1 and he lived over again the 
greatest day of his life4 ,it was       

fitting that a ,scot should have        
originated the title ,heroes and        
,hero-,worship4     ,,viii4   ,macdonald
 came up to-night4 ,i hadn't seen him   
for weeks4  ,i am making out a scheme of
 work for the ,evening ,school1 he said4
 ,what line did you take8  ,my scheme   
was simple1 ,i replied1 and luckily ,i  
had an inspector who appreciated what ,i
 was trying to do4 ,i made the history  
lessons lessons in elementary political 
economy4 ,arithmetic and ,algebra were  
the usual thing4  ,what about ,reading  
and ,grammar8 he asked4  ,we read ,david
 ,copperfield1 and ,i meant to read a   
play of ,shakespeare and ,ibsen's ,an   
,enemy of the ,people1 but ,i never     
found time for them4 ,the class became a
 sort of debating society4 ,i gave out  
subjects4 ,we discussed ,votes for      
,women1 ,should ,women ,smoke8 ,is      
,money the ,reward of ,ability8 ,i told 
them about the theory of evolution2 ,i  
began to trace the history of mankind1  
or rather tried to make out a likely    

history1 but at the end of the session  
we hadn't arrived at the dawn of written
 history4  ,did you find any pupil      
improving8  ,macdonald1 you are a demon 
for tangible results4 ,the only tangible
 result of my heresies ,i can think of  
is the fact that ,margaret ,thomson     
smokes my cigarettes now4  ,have a look 
at this scheme1 he said1 and he handed  
me a lengthy manuscript4 ,the arithmetic
 was a detailed list of utilitarian sums
 444 how to measure ricks of hay and    
fields1 how to calculate the price of   
papering walls and so on4 ,my own       
attitude to utilitarian sums is this3 if
 you know the principles of pure        
mathematics all these things come easily
 to you1 hence teach pure mathematics   
and let the utilitarian part take care  
of itself4  ,his ,english part dealt    
minutely with grammar2 he was to give   
much parsing and analysis2 compound     
sentences were to be broken up into     
their component parts4  ,in ,history he 
was to do the ,stuart ,period1 and      

,geography was to cover the whole world 
special attention being paid to the     
agricultural produce of the ,british    
,colonies4  ,it is a 'correct' scheme1  
,i said4  ,give me your candid opinion  
of it4  ,well1 ,macdonald1 your ways are
 not my ways1 and candidly ,i wouldn't  
teach quite a lot of the stuff you mean 
to teach4 ,grammar for instance4 ,what's
 the use of knowing the parts of a      
sentence8 ,i don't suppose that         
,shakespeare knew them4 ,if education is
 meant to make people think1 your       
,evening ,school would be much better   
employed reading books4 ,if you read a  
lot your grammar takes care of itself4  
,the ,stuart ,period is all right if you
 don't emphasise the importance of      
battles and plots4 ,i haven't the       
faintest notion whether ,cromwell won   
the battle of ,marston ,moor or lost it1
 but ,i have a fair idea of what the    
constitutional battle meant to ,england4
 ,the political war was over before the 
first shot was fired2 the ,civil ,war   

was a religious war4 ,if ,i were you ,i 
should take the broad principles of the 
whole thing and skip all the battles and
 plots and executions4  ,as for the     
,british ,colonies and their agriculture
 you can turn emigration officer if you 
fancy the job4 ,the idea is good enough4
 ,my own personal predilection in       
geography is the problem of race4 ,i    
used to tell my pupils about the        
different 'niggers' ,i met at the       
university1 and of the detestable       
attitude of the colonials to these men4 
,macdonald shook his head4  ,no1 no1 he 
said1 a black man isn't as good as a    
white man4  ,so we went off at a        
tangent4 ,i told him that personally ,i 
had not enough knowledge of black men to
 lay down the law about them1 but ,i    
handed him a very suggestive article in 
this week's ,new ,age on the subject4   
,the writer's theory is that in ,india  
black men are ostracised merely because 
they are a subject race1 and he points  
out that in ,germany and ,france the    

coloured man is treated as an equal4    
,when ,i was told by a friend that the  
natives of ,india despised ,keir ,hardie
 because he carried his own bag off the 
vessel when he arrived in ,india ,i     
realised that the colour question was   
too complicated for me to settle4 ,i    
have a sneaking suspicion that the      
coloured man is maligned2 the average   
,anglo-,indian is so stupid in his      
attitude to most things that ,i can     
scarcely suspect him of being wise in   
his attitude to the native4 ,i regret   
very much that ,i had not the moral     
courage to chum up with the coloured man
 at the university3 prejudices leave one
 after one has left the university4  ,i 
wish ,i knew what ,modern ,geography    
means4 ,a few years ago the geography   
lesson was placed in the hands of the   
science teacher in our higher grade     
schools1 and the educational papers     
commenced to talk of isotherms4 ,i have 
never discovered what an isotherm is2 ,i
 came very near to discovering once2 ,i 

asked ,dickson1 a man of science1 what  
they were1 but a girl smiled to me      
before he got well into the subject 7we 
were in a caf71 and ,i never discovered 
what an isotherm was4  ,the             
old-fashioned geography wasn't a bad    
thing in its way4 ,you got to know where
 places were1 and your newspaper became 
intelligible4 ,it is true that you      
wasted many an hour memorising stuff    
that was of no great importance4 ,i     
recollect learning that ,hexham was     
noted for hats and gloves4 ,i stopped   
there once when ,i was motor-cycling4 ,i
 asked an aged inhabitant what his town 
was noted for4  ,when ,i coom to think  
of it1 he said as he scratched his head1
 the ,north ,eastern ,railway passes    
through it4  ,but the old geography     
familiarised you with the look of the   
map4 ,where it failed was in the appeal 
to the imagination4 ,you learned a lot  
of facts but you never asked why4 ,i    
should imagine that the new geography   
may deal with reasons why2 it may       

enquire into racial differences2 it may 
ask why ,london is situated where it is1
 why ,new ,york grew so big4  ,for weeks
 before ,i left my school my geography  
lesson consisted of readings from       
,foster ,fraser's ,the ,real ,siberia4  
,i began to feel at home in ,siberia1   
and what had been a large ugly chunk of 
pink on the map of ,asia became a real  
place4 ,there is a scarcity of books of 
this kind4 ,every school should have a  
book on every country written in        
,fraser's manner4 ,i don't say that     
,fraser sees very deeply into the life  
of the ,russian4 ,i am quite content    
with his delightful stories of wayside  
stations and dirty peasants4 ,he paints 
the place as it is2 if ,i want to know  
what the philosophy of the ,russian is  
,i can take up ,tolstoy or ,dostoeivsky 
or ,maxim ,gorki4  ,to return to        
isotherms 444 well1 no1 ,i think ,i'll  
get to bed instead4                     
99       99       99  ,i was down in the
 village this morning4 ,a motor-car came

 up1 and two ladies and a gentleman     
alighted4  ,where is the village school8
 asked the gentleman1 and ,i pointed to 
the ugly pile4  ,we are ,americans1 he  
drawled in unrequired explanation1 and  
we've come all the way from ,leeds to   
see the great experiment4  ,yes1 said   
one of the ladies--the pretty one--we   
are dying to see the paradise of ,a     
,dominie's ,log4 ,is it so very         
wonderful8  ,marvellous6 ,i cried4 ,but 
the ,dominie is a funny sort of chap1   
sensitive and very shy4 ,you mustn't    
give him a hint that you know anything  
about his book2 simply say that you want
 to see a ,scots school at work4  ,they 
thanked me1 and set off for the school4 
,i loafed about until they returned4    
,well8 ,i said1 what do you think of it8
  ,the fellow is an impostor6 said the  
man indignantly4 ,i expected to see them
 all out of doors chewing gum and       
sweets1 and--  ,there wasn't a chin     
moving in the whole crowd6 cried the    
young lady4  ,the book was a parcel of  

lies1 said the other lady1 and when ,i  
next want a dollar's worth of fiction ,i
 reckon ,i'll plump for ,hall ,caine or 
,robert ,chambers4 ,the man wouldn't    
speak4  ,i mentioned ,dewey's ,schools  
of ,to-,day1 said the man1 and he stared
 at me as if ,i were talking ,greek4  ,i
 directed them to the village inn for   
lunch1 and ,i walked up the brae        
chuckling4  ,i had had my dinner1 and   
was having a smoke in the bothy when ,i 
heard the ,american's voice3 ,we want to
 see the dominie6 ,margaret came to the 
door1 and ,i walked out into the yard4  
,the trio gasped when they saw me2 then 
the man placed his arms akimbo and      
looked at me4  ,well ,i'm damned6 he    
said with vehemence4  ,not so bad as    
that1 ,i said with a grin1 had is a     
better word4 ,then they all began to    
talk at once4  ,he explained that he was
 a lawyer from ,baltimore3 ,i told him  
that his concern about the absence of   
chewing-gum had led me to conjecture    
that he manufactured that substance4    

,this seemed to tickle him and he made a
 note of it4  ,be careful6 smiled the   
pretty lady--his daughter--1 he'll hand 
over his notes to the newspaper man when
 he goes back home4  ,the lawyer knew   
something about education1 and he told  
me many things about the new education  
of ,america2 he was one of the directors
 of a modern school in his own county4  
,come over to the ,states1 he said with 
eagerness2 we want men of your ideas    
over there4 ,i reckon that you and the  
new schools there don't differ at all4  
,i gave him my impressions of the       
,american schools described by ,dewey in
 his book4  ,it seems to me1 ,i said1   
that these schools over-emphasise the   
'learn by doing' business4 ,almost every
 modern reformer in education talks of  
'child processes'2 the kindergarten idea
 is carried all the way4 ,children are  
encouraged to shape things with their   
hands4  ,sure1 he said1 but that's only 
a preliminary to shaping things with    
their heads4  ,i'm not so sure that the 

one naturally leads to the other1 ,i    
went on4 ,learning by doing is a fine   
thing1 but when little ,willie asks why 
rabbits have white tails the learning by
 doing business breaks down4 ,in        
,america you have workshops where boys  
mould metal2 you have school farms4 ,but
 ,i hold that a child can have all that 
for years and yet be badly educated4    
,he looked amazed4  ,but ,i thought that
 was your line1 he said with puzzled    
expression1 ,montessori1 and all that   
kind of thing6  ,i don't know what      
,montessorianism is1 ,i said2 ,i have   
forgotten everything ,i ever read about 
,froebel and ,pestalozzi4 ,all ,i know  
is that reformers want the child to     
follow its own processes--whatever that 
phrase may mean4 ,i heartily agree with 
them when they say that the child should
 choose its own line1 and should        
discover knowledge for itself4 ,but my  
point is that a boy may act every       
incident in history1 for instance1 and  
never realise what history means4 ,i    

can't see the educational value of      
children acting the incident of ,alfred 
and the burnt cakes4  ,ah6 but isn't    
self-expression a great thing8  ,it is1 
,i answered1 but the actor doesn't      
express himself4 ,irving expressed      
himself 444 and the result was that     
,shakespeare was ,irvingised4 ,a school 
pageant of the accession of ,henry ,,iv4
 may be a fine spectacle1 but it is     
emphasising all the stuff that doesn't  
matter a damn in history4  ,but1 he     
protested1 it is the stuff that matters 
to children4 ,you forget that a child   
isn't a little adult4  ,this brings us  
to the vexed question of the coming in  
of the adult1 ,i said4 ,you and ,i agree
 that the adult should interfere as     
little as possible2 but the adult will  
come in in spite of us4 ,leave children 
to themselves and they express their    
personalities the livelong day4 ,every  
game is an expression of individuality4 
,the adult steps in and says ',we must  
guide these children1' and he takes     

their attention from playing houses to  
playing scenes from history4 ,and ,i    
want to know the educational value of it
 all4  ,it is like travel1 he said4     
,when you travel places become real to  
you1 and when you travel back into      
medival times the whole thing becomes   
real to you4  ,i see your point1 ,i     
said1 and in a manner ,i agree with you4
 ,but why select pageants8 ,you will    
agree with me when ,i say that the      
condition of the people in feudal times 
is of far greater importance than the   
display of a ,henry4  ,certainly1 ,i do4
  ,and the things of real importance in 
history are incapable of being          
dramatised4 ,you can make a modern      
school act the ,signing of ,magna       
,charta1 but the children won't         
understand the meaning of ,magna ,charta
 any the better4 ,you can't dramatise   
the ,enclosure of the ,public ,lands in 
,tudor ,times2 you can't dramatise the  
,john ,ball insurrection2 all the acting
 in the world won't help you to         

understand the ,puritan ,revolution4    
,you are thinking of children as little 
adults1 he said4  ,but they are little  
adults6 ,every game is an imitation of  
adult processes2 the ring games down at 
the school there nearly all deal with   
love and matrimony2 the girls make      
houses and take in lodgers4 ,and if you 
persuade them to act the part of ,king  
,alfred you are encouraging them to be  
little adults4 ,they are children when  
they cry and run and jump2 whenever they
 reason they reason as adults4 ,they are
 very often in the company of adults 444
 and that's one of the reasons why you  
cannot trust what are called child      
processes4 ,child processes naturally   
induce a child to make a row 444 and    
daddy won't put up with a row4 ,the     
child cannot escape being a little      
adult4 ,it's all very well for a        
,rousseau to deal abstractly with child 
psychology4 ,i am not ,rousseau1 and ,i 
tackle the lesser problem of adult      
psychology4 ,the problem before me      

is--or rather was--painfully concrete4  
,i set out to counteract the adult      
influence of the home4 ,i saw ,peter    
,mac,mannish shy divots at the ,radical 
candidate because ,peter's father was a 
,tory2 ,i saw ,lizzie ,peters put out   
her tongue at the local ,christabel     
,pankhurst because ,lizzie's mother had 
said forcibly that woman's place is the 
home4  ,i see1 said the ,american       
thoughtfully1 you used your adult       
personality on the ground that it was   
the lesser of two evils8 ,but don't you 
think that that was a mistake8 ,was the 
freedom of behaviour and criticism you  
allowed them not the best antidote to   
home prejudices8  ,if the children had  
not been going to homes at night ,i     
should have trusted to freedom alone4   
,as it was the poor bairns were between 
two fires4 ,i gave them freedom 444 and 
their parents cursed me4 ,one woman sent
 a verbal message to me to the effect   
that ,i was an idiot2 one bright little 
lassie came to me one day with the words

 of the woman next door1 ',it's just    
waste o' time attendin' that schule4'   
,do you imagine that all the child      
processes in the world could save a     
child from an environment like that8    
,when the ,american departed he held out
 his hand4  ,i came to see a reformer of
 child education1 he said with a smile1 
and ,i discover that you aren't a       
reformer of child education at all2 your
 job in life is to run a school for     
parents4     ,,ix4   ,the school is     
closed for the ,autumn ,holiday 444     
commonly called the ,tattie ,holiday    
here4 ,macdonald has gone off to        
,glasgow4 ,the bigger boys and girls are
 gathering potatoes in the fields here1 
and ,i am driving the tattie digger4 ,at
 dinnertime they come to the bothy and  
eat their bread2 ,mrs4 ,thomson gives   
them soup and coffee in the kitchen1 but
 they bring their bowls over to my      
bothy4 ,much of the fun has gone out of 
them2 the constant bending makes them   
very tired1 and they drop off to sleep  

very easily4 ,janet and ,ellen lay in my
 bed all dinnertime yesterday and slept4
 ,occasionally a boy will sing a song   
that always crops up at tattie time3--  
,o6 ,i'm blyde ,i'm at the tatties1     
,i'm blyde ,i'm at the tatties1         
,i'm blyde ,i'm at the tatties1         
,wi' auchteenpence a day6   ,blyde means
 glad1 but there is but little gladness 
in the band that trudges up the rigs in 
the morning twilight4  ,jim ,jackson is 
sometimes in good form4 ,he has taken on
 the swaying gait of the young          
ploughman2 he hasn't got the pockets    
that are situated in the front of the   
trousers1 but he shoves his hands down  
the inside instead1 and he says3 ,ma    
,goad1 you lads1 hurry up afore the     
,boss comes roond wi' the digger again6 
,they call me the ,boss now2 ,macdonald 
is the ,mester4 ,they seldom mention the
 school at all2 if they do it is to     
recall some incident that happened in my
 time4 ,but already the memory of our   
happy days is becoming hazy2 life is too

 interesting for children to recall     
memories4  ,to-day ,jim sat and gazed   
absently at my bothy fire4  ,now1       
bairns1 ,i said1 ,jim's got an idea4    
,cough it up1 ,jim4  ,aw was thinkin' o'
 the tattie-digger1 he said slowly2 it  
seems an awfu' roondaboot wye o' liftin'
 tatties4 ,could we no invent a digger  
that wud hoal the tatties and gaither   
them at the same time8  ,laziness is the
 mother of invention1 ,i remarked4  ,but
 444 cud a machine no be invented8 he   
asked4  ,you could have a sort o'       
basket1 he went on1 that ceppit a' the  
tatties as they were thrown oot4  ,dinna
 haver6 interjected ,janet1 it wud cep  
a' the stanes at the same time4  ,if    
spuds were made o' steel1 said ,jim1 ye 
cud draw them oot wi' a magnet4  ,and if
 the sky fell you would catch larks1    
said ,i4  ,if the sea dried up6 said    
,ellen1 and ,jim instantly forgot his   
patent tattie-digger4  ,crivens6 ,what a
 fine essay that wud mak6 ,why did ye no
 gie us that for an essay8  ,take it on 

now1 ,i suggested1 but he ignored the   
suggestion4  ,the ,mester gae me a book 
to read in the holidays1 he said        
irrelevantly1 and it's called ,self     
,help2 it's a' aboot laddies that got on
 weel4  ,i ceased to listen to their    
talk4 ,i thought of ,samuel ,smiles and 
his ,victorian ideals4 ,the book is     
iniquitous nowadays2 it is the ,bible of
 the individualist4 ,get on6 ,i'm afraid
 that ,smiles' idea of getting on is    
still popular in ,scotland2 the country 
might well adapt the popular song ,get  
,out and ,get ,under1 changing it to    
,get ,on or ,get ,under and making it   
the national anthem of ,scotland4  ,i   
once compared ,self ,help with          
,lorimer's ,letters of a ,self-made     
,merchant to his ,son1 and was struck by
 the similarity of the ideals4          
,lorimer's book is an ,americanised     
,self-help4 ,smiles is slightly better4 
,with him getting on means more than the
 amassing of wealth2 it means gaining   
position1 which being interpreted means 

returning to your native village with   
prosperous rotundity and a gold chain4  
,lorimer has no special interest in gold
 chains and symbols of wealth2 he       
doesn't care a button for position4 ,he 
preaches efficiency and power2 to him   
the greatest achievement in life appears
 to be the packing of the maximum of pig
 into the minimum of tin in the minimum 
of time4 ,a business friend of mine     
tells me that it is the greatest book   
,america has produced4 ,evidently it    
didn't require the ,lusitania incident  
to prove that ,america is a             
long-suffering nation4  ,jim was back to
 the subject of inventions again4  ,aw  
read in a paper that there's a fortune  
waitin' for the man that can invent     
something to haud breeks up instead o'  
gallis's4  ,ye cud hae buttons on the   
foot o' yer sark1 suggested ,janet4     
,aye1 said ,jim scornfully1 and if a    
button cam off what wud haud up yer     
breeks8  ,public opinion 444 in this    
righteous village1 ,i murmured2 it's    

almost strong enough to hold up any pair
 of breeks1 ,jim1 but no one understood 
me4  ,ye cud hae sticks up the side1    
said ,ellen1 and yer breeks wud stand up
 like fisherman's boots4  ,and if ye    
wanted to bend8 demanded ,jim4  ,ellen  
shoved out her tongue at him4  ,ye never
 said onything aboot bendin'1 and ye    
dinna need to bend onywye4  ,what aboot 
when ye're gaitherin' tatties8 crowed   
,jim4  ,ellen tossed her head4  ,aw     
wasna thinkin' o' the sort o' man that  
gaithers tatties2 ,aw was thinkin' o'   
gentlemen's breeks 444 the kind o'      
breeks ye'll never hae1 ,jim ,jackson4  
,jim sighed and gave me a look which ,i 
took to mean3 ,women are impossible when
 it comes to arguing4 ,he thought for a 
time2 then he looked up with twinkling  
eyes4  ,aw've got it6  ,well8  ,do away 
wi' breeks a'-the-gether1 and wear      
kilts4  ,and what will ye do wi' yer    
hands8 put in ,fred ,findlay2 there's   
nae pooches in a kilt4  ,goad1 ,fred1   
said ,jim1 ,aw never thocht o' that2    

we'll just hae to wrastle on wi' oor    
breeks and oor gallis's4  ,ye cud wear a
 belt1 suggested ,janet4  ,and gie      
mysel' pewmonia6 ,no likely6  ,it's no  
pewmonia that ye get wearin' a belt1    
said ,janet1 it's a pendicitis4  ,g'wa1 
lassie1 what do you ken aboot breeks    
onywye8  ,aw ken mair than you do1 ,jim 
,jackson4 ,for wan thing ,aw ken that   
it's no a subject ye shud speak aboot   
afore lassies4 ,come on1 ,ellen1 we'll  
go ootside2 the conversation's no       
proper4  ,jim glanced at me doubtfully4 
,it was her that said that breeks cud be
 buttoned to yer sark6 he exclaimed4 ,he
 jumped up and hastened to the door4    
,janet ,broon1 ,i heard him cry1 dinna  
you speak aboot sarks to me again2 sarks
 is no a proper subject o' conversation 
for young laddies4  ,i think it was     
,fletcher of ,saltoun who said that he  
didn't care who made a nation's laws if 
he made its ballads4 ,to-night ,i feel  
that ,i don't care if ,macdonald hears  
the bairns' opinion of ,charles ,i4 so  

long as ,i hear their opinion of sarks  
and breeks4                             
99       99       99  ,a ,trade ,union  
official delivered a lecture on ,labour 
,aspirations in the village hall        
to-night4 ,i was sadly disappointed4    
,the man tried to make out that the     
interests of ,capital and ,labour are   
similar4  ,we are not out to abolish the
 capitalist1 he said2 all we want is a  
say in the workshop management4 ,we have
 nothing to do with the way the employer
 conducts his business2 we want to mind 
our own business4 ,we want to see men   
paid a living wage2 we want to see4444  
,i ceased to be interested in what the  
man wanted to see4 ,i fancy that he     
requires to see a devil of a lot before 
he is capable of guiding the ,trade     
,unions4  ,why are these so-called      
leaders so poor in intellect8 ,why are  
they so fearful of alienating the good  
opinion of the capitalist8 ,if the      
,trade ,union has any goal at all it    
surely is the abolition of the          

capitalist4 ,the leaders crawl to the   
feet of capital and cry3 ,for the       
,lord's sake listen to us6 ,we won't ask
 much2 we won't offend you in the least4
 ,we merely want to ask very            
deferentially that you will see that    
there is no unemployment after the war4 
,we beseech you to let our stewards have
 a little say 444 a very little say 444 
in the management of the shops4 ,take   
your ,rent and ,interest and ,profit as 
usual2 as usual we'll be quite content  
with what is left over4  ,if a bull had 
intelligence he would not allow himself 
to be led to the shambles4 ,if the      
,trade ,unions had intelligence they    
would not allow their paid leaders to   
lead them to the altar4  ,the lecturer  
had evidently been told that ,i was the 
only ,socialist in the village1 and he  
called upon me to say a few words4 ,i   
have no doubt that later he regretted   
calling upon me4  ,the speaker is modest
 in his demands1 ,i said4 ,he has told  
you what ,labour is asking for1 and now 

,i'll tell you what ,i think ,labour    
should ask for4 ,labour's chief aim     
should be to make the ,trade ,unions    
blackleg proof4 ,when they have roped in
 all the workers they will be able to   
command anything they like4 ,they should
 then go to the ,state and say3 ',we    
want to join forces with the ,state4    
,capitalism is un-,christlike1 and      
wasteful1 and we must destroy it4 ,we   
propose to take over the whole concern  
ourselves2 we propose to abolish ,rent1 
,interest1 and ,profit 444 and ,wagery4 
,at present we are selling our labour to
 the highest bidder1 and in the process 
we are selling our souls along with our 
bodies4 ,each industry will conduct its 
own business1 not for profit but for    
social service2 no shareholders will    
live on our labour2 we shall give our   
members pay instead of wages4'          
,gentlemen1 ,i call an organisation of  
this kind a ,guild1 but you can call it 
what you like4 ,it is the only          
organisation that will abolish wagery1  

that is1 will prohibit labour from being
 a commodity obeying the ,laws of       
,supply and ,demand4  ,what about       
nationalisation of land and mines and   
railways8 said the official4 ,these are 
on our programme1 and they will         
revolutionise industry4  ,hand over the 
mines and the railways to the ,state1 ,i
 said1 and you have ,state capitalism4  
,you won't abolish wages2 you'll buy the
 mines and railways1 and you'll draw    
your wages from what is left over after 
the interest due to the late            
shareholders is paid4  ,ah6 he          
interrupted1 you want to confiscate8    
,if necessary1 certainly4 ,we have      
conscripted life because the ,state     
required men to give their lives2 why   
not conscript wealth in the same way8   
,the ,state requires the wealth of the  
rich1 not only for the purpose of paying
 for the war2 it requires it to pay for 
the peace to come4  ,control of industry
 by producers has always failed1 he     
said4 ,the ,new ,statesman ,supplement  

on the ,control of ,industry proved this
 conclusively4  ,of course it has always
 failed1 ,i said4 ,flying always failed1
 but the aeroplane experimenters did not
 sit down and wail3 ',it's absolutely no
 good2 men have always failed to fly4'  
,if the ,railway ,trade ,union got the  
offer of the whole railway system       
to-morrow to run as it pleased it would 
make a bonny hash of it4 ,why8 ,because 
management is a skilled business4 ,but  
if the salaried railway officials had   
the vision to see that their interests  
lay with the men instead of with the    
masters1 then you would find a          
difference4 ,the ,trade ,unions without 
the salaried officials are useless4  ,i 
read the ,supplement you mention4 ,one  
of the causes of failure given was that 
the producers had an interest in the    
plant and they were always unwilling to 
scrap machinery in order to introduce   
better machines4  ,that's quite true1 he
 nodded4  ,is it8 ,why does ,bruce the  
linen manufacturer in the neighbouring  

town here scrap comparatively new       
machinery when better inventions come   
out8 ,he has an interest in the plant1  
hasn't he8 ,why then does he not stick  
to the old methods8  ,he knows that he  
will gain in the end4  ,exactly4 ,and a 
society of workers running their own    
business would not have the gumption to 
see that the new methods would be a gain
 in the end8  ,the fact remains that    
they have tried and failed1 he said4    
,that merely proves that the workers    
without their managers are hopeless1 ,i 
said4 ,what can you expect from a       
section of the community that has never 
been educated8 ,you can't make a man    
slave ten hours a day for a living wage 
and then expect him to have the         
organising ability of ,martin the cigar 
merchant1 or the vision of ,gamage the  
universal provider4 ,a rich merchant in 
,london said to me when ,i asked him    
point blank if he always thought of his 
profits3 ',profits be blowed6 ,the great
 thing is the game of business6' ,i     

don't see any reason in the world why   
the manager of say ,the ,enfield ,cycle 
,company should not be as energetic and 
as capable if he were managing a factory
 for the ,cycle ,guild4  ,the workers   
would interfere with him1 said the      
official2 every workman who had a grudge
 against him would try to get him put   
off the managership4  ,lord6 ,i cried1  
for a representative of ,labour you seem
 to have a poor opinion of the democracy
 you speak for6 ,if that is your        
attitude to your fellow-workmen ,i quite
 understand your modest demands for     
,labour4 ,if the rank and file of the   
,trade ,unions can't rise higher than   
squabbling about whether a manager      
should be sacked or not1 the ,trade     
,unions had better content themselves   
with the programme their leaders have   
arranged for them4 ,they had better     
concentrate their attention on trifles  
like a ,minimum ,wage or an ,old ,age   
,pension4  ,a disturbing thought comes  
to me to-night4 ,democracy means rule by

 the majority 444 and the majority is   
always wrong4 ,the only comfort ,i can  
find lies in the thought that the       
majority of to-day represents the       
opinions of the minority of yesterday4  
,democracy will always be twenty years  
behind its time4                        
99       99       99  ,to-day has been a
 very wet ,sunday4 ,i did not get up    
till one o'clock4 ,margaret came over   
about tea-time and invited me to sample 
some drop scones she had been making4   
,she was in a skittish mood1 and she    
began to turn my bothy upside down on   
the allegation that it was time for     
autumn cleaning4 ,i ordered her to the  
door1 and she sat down on my bed and    
laughed at me4 ,i said that ,i would    
throw a drop scone at her head if it    
were not for the danger of shying       
weights about indiscriminately1 and she 
threw my pillow at me4 ,i rose from my  
chair and went to her4  ,out you come1  
you besom6 ,i cried and ,i seized her by
 the shoulders4 ,we struggled 444 and ,i

 suddenly realised that as we paused for
 breath her face was very near mine4 ,i 
threw my arms around her and kissed her 
straight on the lips4 ,then slowly we   
parted and we stood looking at each     
other4 ,her face had become very        
serious4  ,you--you shouldn't have done 
that6 she gasped4  ,why not8 ,i asked   
lamely4  ,she gazed at me wildly for a  
long moment2 then she rushed from the   
room4  ,it happened 444 and ,i don't    
believe in crying over spilt milk4 ,if  
,i had been a strong man it wouldn't    
have happened2 if ,margaret had not been
 in that skittish mood it wouldn't have 
happened4 ,carlyle says somewhere3      
,mighty events turn on a straw2 the     
crossing of a brook decides the conquest
 of the world4 ,mighty events6 ,is this 
a mighty event8 ,i have kissed many a   
girl4 ,to me1 no2 but to ,margaret ,i   
fear that it is4 ,it was most likely her
 first kiss since she became a woman4 ,i
 feel very like ,alec ,d',urberville1   
the seducer of ,tess1 to-night 444 only 

,i don't think ,i'll take religion as he
 did and try to lead ,margaret to       
salvation as he did ,tess4 ,it suddenly 
strikes me that ,i am more like ,angel  
,clare4 ,he was an educated man learning
 farming2 ,i am an educated man tending 
cattle4 ,he fell in love with the       
dairymaid ,tess2 ,i4444 ,but have ,i    
fallen in love with anyone8 ,in general 
,i should say that when a man asks      
himself whether he is in love or not he 
is not in love4 ,love over-rules the    
head2 every marriage means a victory of 
heart over head4 ,presumably the men who
 have no heads make the best lovers4    
,hamlet could not love ,ophelia because 
he had a head2 ,romeo loved ,juliet     
because he hadn't a head4 ,the whole    
problem of ,h4 ,g4 ,wells' later novels 
lies in the fact that his men have      
heads4 ,they are all analytical 444 and 
the man who analyses himself always     
appears before the public as a selfish  
brute4 ,the analytical man cannot make a
 martyr of himself2 he is a weakling2 he

 has his fun 444 and he pays for it1 but
 he makes a woman pay for it also4  ,i  
suppose that in ancient times love was a
 simple thing4 ,you desired a woman1 and
 you hit her father on the head with a  
stone axe and carried her off to your   
cave4 ,in the majority of cases it is a 
simple business yet2 you don't knock    
your prospective father-in-law on the   
head with a hatchet2 you take a filial  
interest in your prospective            
mother-in-law's rheumatics instead4     
,when ,smith the shopwalker falls in    
love with ,nancy of the hat department  
his chief concern is to know how he is  
going to keep house on his salary4 ,he  
never sits down of an evening saying to 
himself3 ,now1 is ,nancy my soul-mate8  
,is her sense of humour something like  
my own8 ,may we not be absolutely       
incompatible in temperament8 ,smith     
hasn't the faintest idea what sort of   
man he is himself1 and if you aren't    
disturbed by doubts about yourself you  
won't be disturbed with doubts about    

your future wife4 ,i should guess that  
,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,smith will live happily 
together 444 if she is a passable cook4 
,i fear greatly that the introspective  
man is doomed to connubial misery4      
,margaret likes to read penny           
novelettes1 and she will probably take a
 fancy to ,charles ,garvice some day    
soon4 ,she knows nothing about music or 
painting or literature4 ,unless we are  
ragging each other we have not a single 
topic of common interest2 we should     
certainly bore each other during the    
first-class honeymoon journey south4    
,then why in the name of thunder did ,i 
kiss her8 ,i suppose that ,i kissed her 
because kissing is more elemental than  
thinking4 ,when she had rushed out ,i   
was joyous in the realisation that her  
lips were sweet1 that her neck was      
gloriously graceful1 that her eyes were 
deep and wonderful4 ,but now her        
physical charms have gone with her1 and 
doubts crowd in upon me4  ,i wonder what
 she is thinking of6 ,i know that she   

has no doubts about herself1 but ,i     
fancy that she has her doubts about me4 
,poor lassie 444 and well she might6    
99       99       99  ,she was milking  
to-night4 ,i went over and stood beside 
her4 ,she looked up1 and her eyes shone 
with a new brightness4 ,she could not   
meet my gaze1 and she flushed and looked
 the other way4  ,margaret1 ,i said     
softly1 ,i love you6  ,she held up her  
lips to me 444 and then ,i walked out of
 the byre4  ,and1 you know1 ,i intended 
to say something very different4 ,i     
intended to say3 ,margaret1 ,i was a    
fool last night4 ,try to forget all     
about it4  ,i kissed her instead4 ,i'm  
afraid ,i was a fool last night1 and a  
fool to-night1 and a fool all the time4 
,however1 ,i am a happy fool to-night4  
,x4   ,macdonald has returned4 ,he has  
brought a man ,macduff with him1 a      
college friend of his1 and now the      
headmaster of a big school in           
,perthshire4 ,he has mentioned ,macduff 
to me more than once4 ,macduff is his   

ideal schoolmaster1 a stern             
disciplinarian and a great producer of  
results4 ,when they came up to see me   
to-night ,macdonald's face glowed with  
anticipation2 it was evident that he had
 come to my funeral4 ,macduff was to    
slay me1 bury me1 and write my epitaph4 
,i thought of agreeing with ,macduff as 
much as possible1 so as to rob          
,macdonald of his triumph1 but ,i found 
it impossible to find more than a few   
points of agreement4 ,i managed1        
however1 to carry the war into the      
enemy's camp1 and ,macduff found himself
 acting on the defensive more than once4
  ,i read your ,log1 he said agreeably1 
and ,i must congratulate you on it4 ,i  
laughed at many of the yarns you have in
 it4  ,the worst of being called a      
humorist1 said ,i1 is that everybody    
seizes on your light bits1 and ignores  
your serious bits4  ,i didn't ignore    
your serious bits1 he said1 ,i read them
 carefully 444 and1 to be frank1 thought
 them damned nonsense4 ,you don't mind  

my saying so1 do you8  ,certainly not1  
my dear fellow6 ,when you've read the   
evening paper critics' opinion of       
yourself you can stand anything4 ,i am  
all for a free criticism2 it lets you   
know where you stand at once4  ,we both 
became very amiable after that1 and ,i  
offered him a fill of ,macdonald's      
baccy4 ,then ,i brought out a bottle of 
whiskey1 and we sat round the bothy fire
 like brothers4  ,and now1 ,i said1 tell
 me all about the damned nonsensical    
parts4  ,well1 he laughed1 it seems a   
dirty trick to drink a chap's whiskey   
and slate his ideas at the same time1   
doesn't it8  ,it might be worse1 ,i said
 with a smile2 you might slate his      
whiskey and drink in his ideas at the   
same time2 and ,i've never met a man who
 could stand being accused of keeping   
bad whiskey1 although ,i know dozens of 
men who will sit with a grin on their   
faces while you tear their philosophy of
 life to pieces4  ,they grin at your    
ignorance1 eh8  ,exactly6  ,macdonald   

held up his glass to the light and eyed 
it thoughtfully4  ,macduff's theory is  
that if you spare the rod you spoil the 
child1 he said4  ,yes1 said ,macduff1 ,i
 agree with old ,solomon4 ,you know1    
it's all very well to be a heretic1 but 
you are up against the wisdom of the    
ages4 ,all the way from ,solomon        
downwards parents have agreed that      
youngsters must be trained strictly4    
,you can't smash up the wisdom of the   
ages as you try to do4  ,the wisdom of  
the ages6 ,i mused4444 ,when ,i come to 
think of it the wisdom of the ages      
taught men that the earth was flat1 that
 the sun went round the earth1 that the 
touch of a king cured ,king's ,evil4 ,do
 you mean to say that because a thing   
has a tradition behind it it must be    
believed for ever8 ,because ,solomon    
said a thing is it eternally true8 ,the 
wisdom of the ages must be made to give 
place to the wisdom of the age4  ,then  
you would have each generation ignore   
all that had been said by men of        

previous generations8  ,i don't mean    
that4 ,by all means find out what wise  
men of old have said1 but don't worship 
them2 be ready all the time to reject   
their wisdom if you feel you can't agree
 with it4 ,this using the rod business  
is a tradition because men found it the 
easiest method for themselves4 ,a child 
was weak and he was noisy2 the easiest  
thing to do was to whack the little     
chap4 ,do you allow conversation in your
 school8  ,i do not6 he said grimly4    
,and why8  ,they can't work if they are 
talking4  ,and that's your sole reason8 
,yes4  ,if an inspector stood at your   
desk chatting to you about the war1     
would you have a silent room8           
,certainly4  ,but why8  ,oh1 he said    
impatiently1 for various reasons4 ,they 
aren't there to talk2 and they've got to
 be disciplined1 to understand that they
 are not free to do as they like        
whenever they like4  ,also1 ,i          
suggested1 the inspector might be       
annoyed8  ,there's that in it1 he       

confessed with a little confusion4  ,the
 wisdom of the ages agrees with you1 ,i 
said1 and ,i think that in this case the
 wisdom of the ages is wrong4 ,in the   
first place ,i want to know what you're 
trying to produce4  ,educated citizens1 
he replied4  ,and since the ,solomon    
tradition has been in vogue for quite a 
long time1 do you consider that it has  
produced educated citizens as yet8      
,more or less1 he answered4  ,i can't   
see it1 ,i said4 ,when nine-tenths of   
the population of these isles live on   
the border line of starvation you can't 
surely argue that they are educated     
citizens4 ,they are bullied citizens 444
 and the first step in the bullying of  
them was the refusal of authority in the
 shape of the parent and the pedagogue  
to spare the rod4  ,but look here1 he   
interrupted1 come back to the school4   
,do you think it wrong for a teacher to 
compel a boy to attend to a lesson8  ,i 
do4 ,if he has to be compelled the      
lesson clearly fails to interest him4 ,i

 would have childhood a garden in which 
one could wander wherever one pleased2  
,i would abolish fear and punishment4   
,and do you mean to tell me1 he         
demanded1 that a boy will offer to learn
 his history and geography and          
arithmetic and grammar of his own free  
will8  ,it depends on the boy4 ,here1   
again1 we come up against the wisdom of 
the ages4 ,the wisdom of the ages has   
decreed that these subjects are the     
chief things in education4 ,but are     
they8 ,i should imagine that it is more 
important for a boy to know something   
about feminine psychology than about    
,henry the ,eighth4 ,he will one day be 
called on to choose a wife1 but he'll   
never be called on to choose a king4    
,again why should geography be of more  
importance than anatomy8 ,a man never   
wants to know where ,timbuctoo is1 but  
he very often wants to know whether the 
pain in his tummy is appendicitis or    
heartburn4  ,go on6 he laughed1 find a  
substitute for arithmetic now6          

,arithmetic1 ,i said1 is the trump card 
of the man who wants a utilitarian      
education4 ,i can do lots of            
sums--,simple ,interest1 ,profit and    
,loss1 ,ratio and ,proportion1 ,train   
,sums1 ,stream ,sums4444 ,i could almost
 do a ,cube ,root4 ,so far as ,i can    
remember ,i have never had occasion to  
use arithmetic for any purpose other    
than adding up money or multiplying a   
few figures by a few figures4 ,your     
utilitarianism somehow leads in the     
wrong direction most of the time4 ,i was
 brought up under the wisdom of the ages
 curriculum1 and ,i'll just give you an 
idea of some of the things ,i don't     
know4 ,i don't know the difference      
between a mushroom and a toadstool2 ,i  
haven't the faintest idea of how they   
make glass or soap or paint or wine or  
whiskey or beer or paper or candles or  
matches2 ,i know nothing about the      
process of law2 ,i don't know what steps
 one takes to get married or divorced or
 cremated or naturalised2 ,i don't know 

the starboard side of a ship2 ,i don't  
know how a vacuum brake works4 ,i could 
fill a book with a list of the things ,i
 don't know 444 a book as big as the    
,encyclopdia ,britannica4  ,what ,i want
 to know is this3 ,how are we to        
determine what things are important to  
know8 ,from a utilitarian point of view 
it is more important to know how to get 
married than how to find the latitude   
and longitude of ,naples4 ,as an        
exercise of thinking it is quite as     
important to inquire into the working of
 a ,westinghouse brake as to inquire    
into the working of a ,profit and ,loss 
sum4  ,then what curriculum would you   
have8  ,i wouldn't have any curriculum4 
,i would allow a boy to learn what he   
wanted to learn4 ,if he prefers         
kite-making to sentence-making ,i want  
him to choose kite-making4 ,if he wants 
to catch minnows instead of reading     
about ,napoleon1 ,i say let him do it2  
he is learning what he wants to learn1  
and that's exactly what we all do when  

we leave the compulsion of the          
schoolroom4  ,it won't do6 cried        
,macduff4  ,look at it in this way1 ,i  
said4 ,suppose ,i am three stone heavier
 than you4 ,and suppose that ,i think it
 would benefit you if you knew all      
about--let us say ,evolution4 ,i come to
 you1 take you by the back of the neck  
and say3 ',macduff1 you get up the      
,darwinian ,theory word perfect by      
,monday morning4 ,if you don't ,i'll    
bash your head for you4' ,i reckon that 
you would call in the police 444 and    
they would naturally call in the local  
prison doctor to inquire into my sanity4
 ,that is exactly what you are doing in 
your school 444 only1 unfortunately1 the
 police and the prison doctor are on    
your side4 ,personally ,i could make out
 a strong case for your being certified 
as a dangerous lunatic with homicidal   
tendencies4  ,ah6 he said1 but the two  
cases are different4 ,your arbitrary    
insistence on my learning all about     
,darwin has no right on its side2 it's  

merely your opinion that ,i should know 
all about ,evolution4 ,but when ,i make 
a boy learn his history and grammar ,i  
am not acting on my own opinion4        
,personally ,i confess that ,i teach    
lots of things and don't see the use of 
them4  ,you obey the--er--the wisdom of 
the ages8  ,i suppose ,i do4            
,education1 ,i said1 should lead a boy  
to think for himself1 but if teachers   
refuse to think for themselves in case  
they disagree with the wisdom of the    
ages ,i don't see that they are the men 
to lead children to think for           
themselves4  ,later we discussed        
motor-cycles1 and ,i learned many tips  
from ,macduff4 ,he is a mine of         
information on the subject4  ,when they 
had gone ,i thought out the problem of  
the curriculum4 ,to abolish the         
curriculum involves abolishing large    
classes4 ,i would have classes of not   
more than a dozen pupils4 ,in the free  
school ,i picture1 classes would not in 
fact exist2 if there were a hundred and 

twenty scholars there would be ten      
teachers4 ,they would act as guides to  
be consulted when necessary4 ,each      
teacher would learn with his or her     
pupils4 ,a teacher is not an encyclopdia
 of facts2 he is an enquirer4  ,when we 
tarred the pigeon-house ,i did not say3 
,now1 boys1 listen to me1 and learn how 
to put on tar4 ,the boys brought chunks 
of pitch in their pockets 7pretty       
certainly sneaked from the heaps used   
for tar-spraying the roads74 ,we got an 
old pail and melted the solid stuff1    
then we tried to put it on4 ,the trial  
was a complete failure2 the tar would   
not run4 ,we sat down to consider the   
matter4  ,tell you what1 boys1 said     
,cheery ,smith1 we'll thin it wi' some  
paraffin4  ,we thinned it with some     
paraffin and the stuff ran quite easily4
  ,when ,i told ,macdonald of the       
incident he cried3 ,yes1 but think of   
the time you wasted6  ,what's wrong with
 ,macdonald and ,macduff is that they   
know too much to be good teachers4 ,they

 have nothing to learn4 ,they know all  
the facts about curriculum subjects2    
they know exactly what is right and what
 is wrong2 they know that their         
authority is infallible2 they know that 
swearing is bad1 that cap-lifting is    
good2 they know that obedience is a     
great virtue1 that disobedience to their
 authority is an unforgivable sin4 ,they
 are the ,supermen of education2 their  
attitude to the school is exactly the   
attitude of ,charles ,i4 to his         
,parliament4 ,they believe in the       
,divine ,right of ,dominies4 ,the       
dominie can do no wrong4 ,macdonald's   
bairns consider him something beyond a  
human being2 he knows everything2 he is 
above temptation4 ,he has no weaknesses2
 his pipe goes into his pocket when he  
meets a child2 he wouldn't allow a child
 to see him kiss his wife for all the   
gold in the ,bank of ,england4  ,but    
there are expectations down at the      
schoolhouse4 ,and ,i would almost sell  
my soul to be in the classroom on the   

morning when ,macdonald enters it with  
the word paternity writ large on his    
prim face4 ,i bet my boots that1 without
 saying a single word1 he will manage to
 give the bairns the impression that he 
had nothing to do with the affair at    
all4                             99     
99       99  ,a friend of mine1 a       
,londoner1 came to stay the week-end    
with me4 ,to-day we rambled over the    
hills1 and a pair of new boots began to 
make my friend's feet take on a separate
 existence4 ,we were about three miles  
from home1 and the prospect of walking  
that distance painfully was rather      
disheartening to him4 ,luckily          
,moss-side milk cart came along1 and the
 boy asked us if we wanted a lift to the
 village2 he was taking the day's milk  
to the station4  ,when we left the cart 
my friend turned to me in amazement4    
,here1 he cried1 didn't you give him    
something8  ,good ,lord1 no6 ,i laughed4
  ,oh1 you blooming ,scotchman6 he said 
with fervour4 ,if ,i had known ,i'd have

 given the chap a tip myself4  ,i never 
thought of tipping him1 ,i said1 and if 
,i had ,i wouldn't have tipped him all  
the same4 ,you blessed ,englishmen can  
never rise above your stupid feudal idea
 of rewarding the lower classes4 ,in    
your south country a countryman is a    
,lickspittle2 he touches his cap to     
anything with a collar on4 ,we don't    
breed that kind of specimen in          
,scotland4 ,that young lad is a stranger
 to me1 but he and you and ,i were      
equals2 there was no servility about    
him2 he chatted to us as an equal4 ,he  
expected nothing1 and if you had offered
 him a shilling you would have          
patronised him1 posed as his superior4  
,but1 damn it all1 the chap earned a    
bob6  ,he didn't2 all he earned was your
 gratitude4 ,the boy was doing a decent 
kindly thing for its own sake1 and you  
want to shove a vulgar tip into his     
hand4 ,if ,i had come along in a        
,rolls-,royce car and given you a lift1 
would you have offered to reward me8    

,what's wrong with you southerners is   
that you always think in classes2 your  
tipping isn't kindness2 you tip to save 
your self-respect2 you are afraid that  
any man of the lower orders should think
 you mean4 ,the ,scot is not as a rule  
hampered by class distinctions1 and he  
often refuses to tip because he hates to
 insult a man4 ,you ,londoners put it   
down to meanness1 but ,i would have felt
 myself the meanest of low cads if ,i   
had tipped that ploughboy4 ,scotland is 
comparatively free from the rotten      
tipping habit4 ,a few gamekeepers get   
tips from ,english sporting gentlemen1  
and a few porters get tips from ,english
 travellers4  ,you have spoilt that boy 
for the next unfortunate pedestrian1 he 
said2 the next time he sees a man       
limping along the road he will say to   
himself3 ',never again6' ,i knew then   
that he had not been listening to my    
argument4  ,if tipping is degrading to  
the man who tips and the man who holds  
out his palm1 ,i cannot see that school 

prize-giving is any better4 ,the kindly 
,school ,board members who are anxious  
to encourage the bairns to work for     
prizes have essentially the same outlook
 as my friend from town4 ,i fancy that  
the modern interpretation of            
,christianity has something to do with  
this national desire for reward and     
punishment4 ,to me the whole attitude is
 distasteful4 ,obviously ,i am what ,i  
am2 ,i was born with a certain nature1  
and ,i was brought up in a certain      
environment4 ,the making of my ego was a
 thing outside my direction altogether4 
,to reward me in an after life for being
 a religious man is as unfair as to     
punish me for being a thief4 ,we don't  
award a gold medal to an actress for    
being beautiful2 we don't offer ,shaw a 
peerage because he is ,christlike enough
 to hate killing animals for sport4     
,shaw can no more help being            
humanitarian than ,gladys ,cooper can   
help being bonny4 ,down in the school   
there ,ellen ,smith can no more help    

being the best arithmetician than ,dave 
,ramsay can help being the biggest      
coward4  ,speaking of ,dave 444 when    
,macdonald was worrying over the        
allocation of prizes the other week1 he 
asked me if ,dave was good at anything4 
,well1 ,i said1 he holds the record for 
spitting farther than any boy in the    
school2 ,i think he deserves a prize for
 that4 ,believe me1 ,macdonald1 every   
boy in the class would rather hold that 
record than carry off the prize for     
arithmetic 444 and ,i don't blame them  
either4  ,the subject of ,scots and     
tipping puts me in mind of what is      
probably the best ,scot in ,london yarn4
  ,a ,scot1 followed by his five        
children1 entered the ,ritz ,hotel1 and 
sat down in the lounge4  ,waiter6 ,a    
bottle o' leemonade and sax tumblers6 he
 cried4  ,the waiter was too dumbfounded
 to do anything but bring the liquor4   
,he stood in open-mouthed amazement as  
the ,scot divided the bottle among the  
six glasses1 but1 when the ,scot took a 

bag of buns from his pocket and         
proceeded to distribute them1 the waiter
 set off blindly to find the manager4   
,the manager approached4 ,he tapped the 
,scot on the shoulder1 and in a stern   
voice he said3 ,excuse me1 but ,i'm the 
manager of this establishment4  ,the    
,scot looked up at him sharply4  ,o1    
ye're the manager1 are ye8 ,weel1 why   
the hell's the band's no playin'8       
,,xi4   ,macdonald had a sort of cookie 
shine to-night1 and ,i was invited4 ,the
 other guests were ,mitchell1 the       
assistant-manager of the railway        
construction department1 and ,willis1   
the head of the water department4 ,we   
played ,bridge1 and ,i spent four hours 
of misery4 ,i hate cards2 ,i can't      
concentrate at all1 and ,i never have   
the faintest idea what the man on my    
left has discarded4 ,willis and ,i won4 
,i always look upon cards as a veiled   
insult to guests4 ,i want to know what a
 man is thinking when ,i meet him2 on   
the few occasions on which ,i have      

brought out a pack of cards to entertain
 guests ,i have done so on the frank    
realisation that their conversation     
wasn't worth listening to4  ,later when 
we sat round the fire to chat ,i grudged
 the time lost over the game4 ,mitchell 
had been for many years in ,india1 and  
his stories of life there were of great 
interest to me4 ,he did not theorise    
about ,india2 he accepted without       
thought the attitude of the average     
,anglo-,indian 444 the nigger is a beast
 that has to be knocked into shape2 the 
,anglo-,indian mode of government was   
tip-top1 couldn't be beat2 asses like   
,keir ,hardie ought never to be allowed 
to put their foot in ,india2 what's     
wrong with ,india is what's wrong with  
the working classes here--we give 'em   
too much education1 make 'em            
discontented4  ,willis was of a more    
intelligent type4 ,he had been all over 
the world1 and1 although a ,conservative
 to the backbone1 he had made some study
 of modern problems4 ,he had studied    

,socialism1 thought it a fine thing1    
but4444 ,you've got to change human     
nature first1 he said4                  
99       99       99  ,if ,i were       
writing a novel ,i should now head a    
chapter thus3--,chapter ,,xxiv41 in     
,which ,macdonald and ,i become         
,brothers in ,affliction4  ,he came up  
to see me to-night4  ,you've put your   
foot in it this time1 he began4  ,what  
is it8 ,i cried in alarm4  ,old         
,brown--,violet's father--wants to slay 
you4 ,his wife heard from ,mrs4 ,wylie  
that you said to ,wylie that he1 ,brown1
 had the intellect of a boiled rabbit4  
,that's bad1 ,i said in dismay4 ,the old
 fool was talking puerile rubbish about 
the wickedness of the working-classes4  
,wylie was there1 and after ,brown had  
gone ,i did make the impatient remark   
that he had the intellect of a boiled   
rabbit4 ,but1 ,good ,lord6 ,i didn't    
want the thing to go back to his ears4  
,how ,i can ever look the man in the    
face again ,i don't know4  ,you should  

have thought of that before you spoke1  
said ,macdonald with a smile4  ,oh1 ,i  
replied1 ,i don't regret saying it in   
the least2 at the time ,i felt it was   
the only thing to say4 ,what ,i regret  
is the meanness of ,wylie or his wife4  
,brown is a decent old chap1 and ,i'm   
rather fond of him4 ,why the devil are  
people so dirty in mind1 ,macdonald8 ,we
 all say things that we don't want      
carried to the person we are speaking   
about4 ,i say things about you that ,i  
would hate you to hear1 and ,i guess    
that you are in a similar position with 
regard to me4 ,but the unpardonable     
social crime is to tell one man what    
another has said about him4 ,it's the   
lowest down trick ,i know4  ,what'll you
 do about it8  ,i'll go straight down to
 ,brown and apologise for ,wylie's bad  
taste4  ,and your own6  ,not at all4    
,i'll tell him ,i've said worse things  
than that about him1 but ,i'll implore  
him not to let them make any difference 
in our friendship4  ,i've got a nasty   

little problem myself1 said ,macdonald4 
,you know that confounded committee of  
villagers that has charge of the ,soup  
,kitchen ,fund8  ,i do1 ,i cried        
fervently4  ,well1 ,i called a meeting  
for last night 444 and ,i forgot to post
 ,mrs4 ,wylie's invitation4  ,call that 
a nasty problem8 ,i cried2 my dear chap1
 you've raised a whirlwind and tempest  
combined 444 and there won't be any     
still small voice at the end of 'em     
either4 ,you've committed the           
,unforgivable ,sin this time4  ,she's in
 an awful wax1 he continued2 says that  
she never was insulted like this before4
 ,she came up to-night and gave me beans
 444 told me that you were a perfect    
gentleman6  ,i took care never to omit  
her when ,i called the committee1 ,i    
said modestly4  ,she'll never forgive   
me1 said ,macdonald dolefully4  ,oh1 yes
 she will 444 if you play your cards    
well4 ,your game is to send a notice of 
the meeting to the local paper4 ,then   
commence a new paragraph thus3--,the    

,convener1 ,mr4 ,macdonald1 intimated   
that ,mrs4 ,wylie's invitation to the   
meeting had been unintentionally        
overlooked1 and he expressed his very   
earnest regret that his mistake had     
deprived the meeting of the always      
helpful advice of the injured lady4     
,publicity salves all wounds in the     
village1 ,macdonald4 ,do as ,i suggest  
and ,mrs4 ,w4 will support you for all  
eternity4  ,they are so small-minded1 he
 said4  ,they are hyper-sensitive1 said 
,i4 ,mrs4 ,wylie is quite sure that you 
made a mistake4 ,she can forgive you for
 that1 but the thing that she will find 
it hard to forgive is the fact that you 
did not pay special attention to her    
letter1 send it by registered post as it
 were4 ,no one who knows me would accuse
 me of self-depreciation1 but ,i tell   
you1 ,macdonald1 every villager down    
there has more self-appreciation in his 
little finger than ,i have in my whole  
body4 ,old ,jake ,baffers never had a   
bath in his life1 and he would be       

secretly proud of his record if an      
urchin were to shout at him3 ',g'wa and 
tak a wash6' ,yet if the secretary      
forgot to send him a notice of the      
,parish ,council ,meeting ,jake would   
hate the man for all eternity4  ,what   
does it all mean8 asked ,macdonald4     
,the innate love of publicity lies at   
the root of all the village hate and    
narrowness4 ,they spend their little    
lives looking for trouble1 and the      
trouble they look for specially is a    
personal slight4 ,the village is always 
full of this kind of trouble4 ,they like
 to have a finger in every pie4 ,you    
don't want them to run your ,soup       
,kitchen2 you could do it fifty times   
better yourself4  ,perhaps they think   
,i'd sneak the cash1 eh8  ,no6 ,no1 to  
give them their due1 they don't think   
that4 ,you may rob the ,committee of all
 their cash if you like 7think of the   
fine talk they would have over it672    
what you mustn't do is to rob them of   
their publicity4 ,some of them will     

always hate you because you wear a linen
 collar and don't talk dialect4 ,also1  
you are an incomer4 ,i once attended a  
public meeting in a ,fife village4 ,a   
man stood up to give his opinion about a
 public matter1 and they shouted him    
down with the cry3 ',sit doon6 ,ye're an
 incomer6' ,the man had been resident in
 that village for twenty-three years1   
but he had come from ,forfarshire       
originally4  ,and this is democracy6    
exclaimed ,macdonald4  ,this is         
education1 said ,i4 ,all the history and
 geography and grammar in the world     
won't produce a better generation in    
this village4 ,what is really wrong is  
narrow vision due to lack of wide       
interest4 ,obviously the village thinks 
of small things1 things that don't count
 to us4 ,the villager left school at    
fourteen and he never had any training  
in thinking4  ,well1 and what's the     
remedy8  ,remedy be blowed6 ,i cried4   
,come on1 ,i'm going down with you and  
,i'll have it out with old ,brown4      

99       99       99  ,brown was in no  
mood to be friendly4 ,indeed he was     
quite nasty4 ,he told me frankly that   
our friendship was at an end1 and ,i    
felt pained about the matter4 ,suddenly 
a brilliant inspiration came to me4 ,as 
,i stood at the door ,i turned to him   
sharply4  ,you've had your say1 ,mr4    
,brown1 ,i said sternly1 and now it's my
 innings4 ,i didn't mean to mention it1 
but you've forced me to do it4  ,i      
paused to note his sudden look of alarm4
  ,yes1 ,i went on1 ,i want to know what
 the devil you meant by saying that ,i  
suffered from swelled head8  ,when did  
,i say that8 he stammered4  ,i shrugged 
my shoulders4  ,i refuse to give away   
the man who told me1 ,i said stiffly4   
,he was now in great excitement4 ,he    
wiped his brow with his hand4  ,graham  
is a liar6 he cried passionately1 it was
 him that said it to me6  ,but you      
agreed with him8 ,i insinuated4  ,brown 
drew himself up stiffly4  ,well1 damn   
you1 ,i did6  ,quits6 ,i cried1 and ,i  

held out my hand4  ,later as we sat     
together over a hot whiskey ,i tried    
hard to persuade him that ,graham had   
never said a word to me2 ,i told him    
again and again that ,i had made a lucky
 guess1 and at last ,i managed to       
persuade him to believe me4 ,yet somehow
 ,i feel that he'll look askance at poor
 ,graham the next time he meets him4    
99       99       99  ,we were threshing
 to-day4 ,during the dinner interval    
,margaret and ,i chanced to meet in the 
barn4 ,i threw my arms round her and    
kissed her4 ,a chuckle came from the    
straw4 ,i looked up to find the eyes of 
,jim ,jackson upon us4  ,aw'll no tell6 
he cried1 and ,margaret fled blushing   
from the barn4  ,right1 ,jim6 ,we'll    
trust you with the secret4 ,margaret and
 ,i are in love with each other4  ,when 
is it to be8 he asked eagerly4  ,you are
 thinking of the wedding feast ,i       
presume1 my lad1 what8  ,he did not     
answer2 he seemed to be thinking4  ,bob 
,scott has a' the luck1 he said         

dolefully2 when he was ten his mither   
was married1 when he was eleven his     
sister ,bets dee'd1 and syne when he was
 twel his father was married4 ,aw've    
only had a marriage and a daith4 ,aw    
like marriages better gyn daiths2 ye get
 mair to eat1 and ye dinna hae to look  
solemn4 ,a christenin' doesna coont2 ye 
jest get a wee bit o' cake1 and the     
minister prays4  ,jim1 ,i said suddenly1
 will you be my best man8  ,he gaped4   
,will ,aw be yer--8 ,he was too much    
surprised to complete the sentence4     
,yes1 and carry the ring1 ,i said4  ,his
 eyes danced4  ,and kiss the            
bridesmaids1 ,i continued4  ,his face   
fell4  ,no1 he said slowly1 ,aw'm ower  
young to be a best man4 ,he considered  
for a while4 ,but ,geordie ,tamson wud  
kiss them for a hank o' candy1 he said  
half aloud4  ,no1 ,i said1 you can't    
delegate your powers to another in a    
case of this sort4 ,but of course if you
 think ,geordie would be the better man 
to sit on the dickey of the carriage1   

and lead the bride to the wedding feast1
 and throw out the sweeties and pennies 
to the children1 and--  ,aw'll be yer   
best man6 he roared4     ,,xii4         
,to-night ,i made up my mind to speak to
 ,frank ,thomson and his wife4 ,i knew  
that ,jim would be miserable as long as 
he carried so weighty a secret on him2  
,i knew that he was itching to rush     
through the village shouting3 ,the      
,mester's gaein' to be married to       
,maggie ,tamson 444 and ,aw'm to be his 
best man6  ,i went over about eight     
o'clock4 ,the children were in bed1 and 
,margaret sat in the kitchen with her   
father and mother4  ,i want to marry    
,margaret1 ,i said when ,i entered4     
,frank was reading ,the ,people's       
,journal4 ,the paper fluttered slightly1
 and that was the only sign of surprise 
that came from him4  ,yea1 ,mester8 he  
said slowly4 ,man1 d'ye tell me that na8
 ,aw see that the ,roosians are makin'  
some progress again4 ,he buried his head
 in his paper after throwing a look to  

his wife4 ,the look clearly meant3 ,this
 is a matter for you to tak up1 ,lizzie4
  ,mrs4 ,thomson laid down her knitting 
carefully2 then she rubbed her glasses  
with her apron4 ,she glanced at         
,margaret1 and ,margaret rose and left  
the room quietly4 ,i knew that she left 
the door half-closed so that she might  
hear from the stair-foot4  ,her mother  
looked at me over her glasses4  ,she's  
gey young1 she said4  ,a year older than
 you were when you married1 ,i said with
 a smile4  ,she sat in deep thought for 
a long time4 ,then she turned to her    
husband4  ,frank1 she said in a         
matter-of-fact voice1 ye'll better bring
 oot the whiskey4  ,that was all4       
,neither of them asked a question about 
my financial position1 or my hopes4     
,mrs4 ,thomson went to the door and     
called ,margaret's name1 and when she   
entered the kitchen her mother simply   
said3 ,maggie1 ye micht bring a few     
coals like a lassie4  ,a stranger from a
 foreign land looking on would have     

wondered at the unconcern of the whole  
thing4 ,the family talked about         
everything but the subject of the       
moment1 but ,i knew by the way in which 
they made conversation that they were   
striving to hide their real feelings4   
,when ,i rose to leave ,i turned to     
,frank4  ,i don't know what plans ,i    
have1 ,i said1 but the chances are that 
,i'll go to live in ,london some day    
soon4  ,frank waved a protesting hand4  
,never mind that ee'noo1 he cried4      
,maggie6444 ye'll better see the ,mester
 to the door1 lassie6  ,they're awfu'   
pleased6 whispered ,margaret at the     
door4  ,are they1 ,margaret8 ,i said    
tenderly4  ,yes6 ,but it isn't because  
you are so clever1 you know6  ,rather   
because ,i am so handsome8  ,no4        
,they're pleased because you are an     
,m4,a4  ,then she laughed at my look of 
chagrin4                             99 
99       99  ,this morning ,i met ,jim4 
,jim1 ,i said1 you are free to speak    
now4  ,he made no reply2 he sprang over 

a gate and flew towards the village4    
,the girls came up in a body at four    
o'clock4  ,is't true8 cried ,janet as   
she ran up breathlessly4  ,what8 ,is    
what true8  ,that you and ,maggie are to
 be married8  ,the answer is in the     
affirmative1 ,i said pompously4         
,janet's face fell4  ,eh1 if ,aw had    
that ,jim ,jackson6 ,he telt us that he 
was to be yer best man6  ,he was aye a  
big leer6 cried ,ellen1 then she saw    
that ,i was smiling4  ,it's true after  
a'6 she cried4  ,yes1 ,i said1 it's     
true1 bairns1 but to my surprise they   
rushed off and left me4 ,i understood   
their action when ,i turned to look2    
they had seen ,margaret emerge from the 
kitchen door4 ,poor ,margaret6 ,the     
whole crowd of them insisted on pinching
 her arms for luck4 ,they seemed to have
 forgotten my existence2 then suddenly  
they all came running towards me4  ,let 
me tell 'im1 ,jan6 ,i heard ,annie cry1 
but ,jan tore herself from restraining  
arms and was first to come up4  ,the    

,mester's gotten a little baby6 cried   
,janet4  ,janet's wrang6 cried ,annie2  
it's no the ,mester3 it's his wife6  ,i 
tried to look my surprise4  ,and did you
 congratulate him1 ,jan8 ,i asked4      
,janet tittered4  ,he took an awfu' reid
 face when he cam in this mornin'1 did'n
 he1 ,jean8  ,aye1 and he was grumpy a' 
day4 ,he was ay frownin' at a' body4 ,we
 cudna help his wife haein' a bairn6    
,he looked as if he was angry at his    
wife haein' the bairn1 said ,barbara4   
,i recalled my conjecture that he would 
try to give the bairns the impression   
that he had nothing whatever to do with 
the affair1 and ,i laughed uproariously4
  ,i suddenly realised that ,gladys was 
asking me a question4  ,eh8 ,what's     
that1 ,gladys8  ,i was speerin' if you  
and ,maggie are to hae a bairn8  ,janet 
gasped and cried3 ,oh1 ,gladys6 and     
,jean cried3 ,look at ,maggie blushin'6 
,certainly6 ,i said with a laugh1 a     
dozen of them1 won't we1 ,margaret8     
,bairns is just a scunner1 said ,sarah4 

,ye'll hae to stop yer typewriter or    
ye'll waken them4  ,that's awkward1     
,sarah1 ,i said1 for if ,i stop my      
typewriter ,i'll starve them4  ,the     
,mester'll hae a big hoose1 said ,jean1 
and he'll type his letters in the       
parlour and ,maggie'll rock the cradle  
in the kitchen1 winna ye1 ,maggie8      
,perhaps1 ,i suggested1 ,jim ,jackson   
will be able to invent a patent that    
will enable me to rock the cradle as ,i 
strike the keys4  ,aye1 said ,janet with
 scorn1 and kill the bairn6 ,aw wudna   
trust ,jim ,jackson wi' ony bairn o'    
mine 444 him and his inventions6  ,ye'll
 mak a nice father1 said ,gladys1 and   
she put her arm round my neck4  ,ye'll  
spoil yer bairns1 said ,ellen4 ,she     
turned to ,margaret4 ,maggie1 dinna let 
him tak chairge o' them1 or he'll mak   
them catch minnows a' day instead o'    
learnin' their lessons4  ,g'wa1 ,ellen1 
cried ,sarah1 they're no married yet6   
,and ye dinna get bairns till ye're     
married a gey lang time4  ,some fowk has

 them afore they get married1 said      
,barbara thoughtfully1 and ,i chuckled  
when ,i saw how the others looked at    
her4 ,disapproval was writ large on     
their faces4  ,ye shudna mention sic    
things afore ,maggie6 said ,janet in a  
stage whisper1 and ,i had to hold my    
sides4 ,margaret could not keep her     
gravity either1 and she laughed         
immoderately4  ,later they pleaded with 
me to tell them when the wedding was to 
take place4 ,i told them that ,i did not
 know1 but that it would be soon1 and ,i
 promised to invite them all4  ,but no  
,mester ,macdonald6 said ,jean4 ,aw     
wudna feel so free wi' him there4  ,i   
told them of the widower whose friends  
tried to persuade him to take his       
mother-in-law with him in the front     
funeral coach4 ,after some persuasion he
 said resignedly3 ,verra weel1 then2 but
 it'll spoil my day4 ,then ,i sent them 
home4                             99    
99       99  ,the story ,i told the     
girls set me thinking of funeral        

stories4 ,i have heard dozens of them1  
but the only other one ,i can remember  
is the one about the farmer whose wife  
was to be buried4 ,as the men carried   
the coffin along the passage they       
stumbled1 and the coffin came into      
violent contact with the corner4 ,the   
lid flew off1 and the wife sat up and   
rubbed her eyes4 ,she had been in a     
trance4  ,twenty years later the wife   
died again4 ,the men were carrying the  
coffin through the passage when the     
farmer rushed forward4  ,canny1 lads6 he
 cried1 canny wi' that corner6          
99       99       99  ,look here1 said  
,macdonald to me to-night1 the ,school  
,board election is coming off soon2 why 
don't you stand8  ,i thought that ,i    
would be the last man on earth you would
 want on the ,school ,board1 ,i replied4
  ,not at all1 he said with a smile4    
,you and ,i differ about education1 but 
our difference isn't so great as the    
difference between me and men like      
,peter ,mitchell4  ,i thought to myself 

that the difference between his idea and
 mine was infinitely greater than the   
difference between his idea and ,peter  
,mitchell's1 but ,i said3 ,it's very    
decent of you to suggest it1 old chap1  
but ,i'm not standing4  ,but why not8   
,possibly for the same reason that ,h4  
,g4 ,wells and ,a4 ,r4 ,orage and       
,bernard ,shaw and ,g4 ,k4 ,chesterton  
don't stand for ,parliament4  ,you place
 yourself in good company6 he laughed4  
,i'm not claiming kindred1 ,macdonald2  
what ,i mean to suggest is that ,i stand
 to ,peter ,mitchell and ,co4 very much 
in the same relationship as ,shaw and   
,orage stand to ,lloyd ,george and ,co4 
,roughly there are two types of mind1   
the thinkers and the doers4 ,orage has  
better ideas than ,lloyd ,george1 but ,i
 fancy that ,lloyd ,george is the better
 man to run a ,ministry of ,munitions4  
,i've got better ideas than ,peter      
,mitchell 7,i think you'll grant that71 
yet ,peter is probably the better man to
 arrange for the gravelling of the      

playground4  ,i smoked for a while in   
silence4  ,the best men don't enter     
public life1 ,i continued4 ,no man with 
a real passion for ideas could tolerate 
the jobbery and gabble of the ,house of 
,commons4 ,public life is for the most  
part concerned with small things4 ,the  
,cabinet settles mighty things like war 
and peace1 but if you read ,hansard     
you'll find that ninety-nine per cent4  
of the members' speeches deal with      
little things like ,old ,age ,pensions  
or the working of the ,insurance ,act4  
,so in the ,school ,board you have to   
deal with the incidental things4 ,the   
,scotch ,education ,department settles  
the broad lines of education1 and the   
local ,school ,boards simply administer 
the ,education ,act of #aijh4 ,what     
could ,i do on the ,board anyway8444    
arrange for the closing of the school at
 the tattie holidays1 discuss your      
application for a rise in screw1 grant a
 certain amount of money for prizes4 ,i 
couldn't persuade the ,board to convert 

your school into a ,neo-,montessorian   
,play-,garden2 if ,i did persuade them  
the ,department would very likely step  
in and protest4 ,besides ,i haven't the 
type of mind4 ,i hate all the formalism 
of public meetings2 ,i had enough of it 
at the 'varsity to last me a life time2 
the debating societies spent most of    
their time reading minutes and moving   
'the previous question4' ,i'm not a     
practical man1 ,macdonald4 ,in art ,i   
like pure black and white work1 and ,i  
think in black and white2 ,i see the    
broad effect without noting the detail4 
,detail gives me a headache1 and the    
public man must have something like a   
passion for detail4 ,look at the ,scotch
 ,education ,department2 it is full of  
splendid officials who will spend a week
 nosing out an error of ten attendances 
in an unfortunate dominie's registers4  
,that's what should be2 the official    
should have the mind of a ready-reckoner
 444 rather1 he must have1 else he would
 drown himself after a day in           

,whitehall4  ,macdonald has a passion   
for detail1 and ,i smiled to note a     
growing look of aggression on his face4 
,somebody's got to do the detail work1  
he growled4  ,most of it could very well
 be left undone1 ,i suggested4 ,you have
 to calculate laboriously all the       
attendances for the year1 how many have 
left school1 how many are of such and   
such an age1 and so on4 ,what for8      
,simply to allow the busy officials of  
,whitehall to settle what grant should  
be paid4  ,how could they settle it     
otherwise8 he asked4  ,in fifty ways4   
,the obvious way is to find out how much
 the school requires to run it each     
year4 ,i would go the length of         
abolishing the daily register4 ,you     
don't call the roll in a cinema house or
 a kirk or a political meeting4 ,why1   
man1 in the big schools in the cities   
the headmaster is a junior clerk2 his   
whole time is spent in making up        
statistical returns for the ,department4
  ,you couldn't get on without the      

returns1 said ,macdonald4  ,possibly not
 at present1 ,i said1 seeing that the   
system of grants obtains1 but if an     
,education ,guild of ,teachers          
controlled the education of ,scotland   
most of the returns could be scrapped4  
,all the returns needed for your school 
would be a list of expenditure on       
salaries1 books1 etc42 main headquarters
 would control the broad policy and pay 
the bills4  ,and attendance wouldn't    
count8  ,not if ,i had any say in the   
matter4 ,to have an average attendance  
of #if per cent4 is about the lowest    
ideal a dominie can aim at4 ,the        
teachers and the school boards aim at a 
high average because of the higher      
grant2 the ,department1 with an eye on  
,blue ,book statistics1 encourages them 
to aim at a high average because a high 
average means a country with the minimum
 of illiteracy4  ,would you abolish     
compulsory attendance8  ,certainly--so  
far as the children are concerned4 ,make
 their schools playgrounds instead of   

prisons1 and you'll have no truancy4    
,but ,i would have compulsion for       
parents4 ,the ,state should have the    
power to say to parents3 ',you are only 
the guardians of these children1 and we 
can't allow you to keep them from       
education to do your work for you4'     
,you aren't consistent1 he said1 here   
you are advocating ,authority6          
,macdonald1 ,i said wearily1 you must   
have authority and law of a kind4 ,you  
must have a law that you take the left  
side of the road when you are cycling   
for instance4 ,you must give the        
community power to overpower a man like 
that lunatic who assaulted ,mary ,ramsay
 the other day1 and if the community    
feels that it must protect children from
 assaults on their bodies1 surely to    
goodness it must step in and protect    
little children when parents try to     
commit assaults on their souls4         
,compulsion should step in to destroy   
compulsion4  ,now1 what in all the earth
 do you mean by that8  ,a man compels   

his son to stay from school2 the        
compulsion of the ,state overrules the  
compulsion of the father4 ,so with      
compulsion of men for military purposes2
 in theory at least the ,military       
,service ,act compels men to fight in   
order that they may overrule the        
compulsion that ,germany is trying to   
force on ,europe4 ,the ,fatherland and  
the father are interfering with human   
souls1 but if a boy does not want to go 
to school he is a free agent choosing as
 he wills1 and interfering with the soul
 of no one4  ,what about his children   
coming after him8  ,a good point1 ,i    
cried2 in other words you mean that no  
man liveth unto himself and no man dieth
 unto himself1 eh8 ,yes1 that's quite   
true1 but we don't know what the boy is 
to turn out4 ,given a home of comfort   
and food 444 as every boy would have in 
a well-ordered community 444 ,i think   
that the lad who could resist the       
attraction of a play-garden school with 
its charms of social intercourse with   

other children would be either a lunatic
 or a genius4 ,besides we have given up 
the idea in other departments4 ,i expect
 that the community is of opinion that  
the teachings of ,christianity are good 
for a man to hand on to his children1   
yet ,i don't think that the community   
would pass a law that every parent must 
send his family to a ,sunday ,school4   
,the whole trend of society is to       
recognise and provide for the           
conscientious objector1 and society     
should certainly recognise the          
conscientious objector to school-going4 
,a boy doesn't know his own mind4       
,neither do ,i1 ,i sighed4 ,i can't make
 up my mind about anything2 rather1 ,i  
make up my mind to-day and change it    
to-morrow4 ,and ,i don't want it to be  
otherwise2 when my opinions become      
definite and fixed ,i shall be dead     
spiritually4 ,the boy doesn't know his  
own mind6 ,well1 how the deuce can ,i   
claim to help him to make it up when ,i 
can't make up my own8 ,it's his mind1   

not mine4 ,i don't mind telling him what
 ,i think of a subject1 but ,i wouldn't 
compel him to do a blamed thing4  ,you  
have a queer idea of education1 he said 
with a dry laugh4  ,macdonald1 ,i said1 
with real modesty1 ,i don't know that ,i
 have any idea of education4 ,i am      
simply groping4 ,i don't exactly know   
what ,i want1 but ,i have a pretty      
definite notion of what ,i don't want   
444 and that is finality4 ,i begin to   
think that what ,i want education to do 
is to train men not to make up their    
minds about anything4  ,macdonald rose  
to go4  ,matrimony does that1 old chap1 
he said with a chuckle1 and you'll soon 
discover that you won't get the chance  
of making up your mind ever4     ,,xiii4
   ,i feared that ,i was losing ,jim and
 ,janet and the others1 but ,i have not 
lost them4 ,they conform to ,macdonald's
 reign of authority when they are in    
school1 but they do it with their       
tongues in their cheeks4 ,but only the  
select few have followed my banner4 ,jim

 is the only boy1 and the only girls are
 ,janet1 ,jean1 ,ellen1 ,annie1 and     
,gladys4 ,barbara is of divided         
allegiance4 ,the others are             
,macdonaldised4 ,i find it a very       
difficult thing to define               
,macdonaldisation4 ,possibly its most   
distinguishing characteristic is what ,i
 might call a dour pertness4 ,the bairns
 have lost their standard of values2    
they don't know limits4 ,i pinched      
,mary's cheek when ,i met her this      
morning on her way to school1 and she   
tossed her head in the air and looked at
 me with a cheeky expression which      
meant3 ,what do you think you're doing8 
,if ,i rag ,eva she answers with brazen 
impudence4 ,i have given up speaking    
facetiously to the boys1 for they also  
were impudent4 ,they were not like that 
when ,i had them2 ,i could play with    
them1 joke with them1 rag them and they 
took it all with the best good humour2  
they teased me and played jokes on me1  
but they did it in the right spirit4  ,i

 have seen it again and again4 ,strict  
discipline destroys a child's values of 
good taste and bad taste4 ,naturally    
when freedom is denied them they do not 
know what freedom means4 ,the atrocities
 committed by the super-disciplined     
,german army are quite understandable to
 me2 like ,macdonaldised bairns they did
 not understand the freedom they        
suddenly found themselves enjoying1 and 
they converted it into licence4 ,i can  
tell the character of a village dominie 
when ,i stop to ask a group of boys the 
way to the next village when ,i am      
cycling4  ,jimmy ,young slouches past me
 now with a stare of hostility1 and it  
isn't six months ago since he came      
running to me on the road one night for 
protection from the policeman who was   
after him for stealing a turnip from    
,peter ,mitchell's field4 ,the policeman
 came up and in a loud voice accused the
 laddie1 while at the same time he threw
 in a hint or two that my lax discipline
 had something to do with the case4  ,if

 they got a little mair o' the leather1 
things wud be different1 he growled4  ,i
 do not like policemen2 their little    
brief authority somehow manages to get  
my back up4  ,what's the row8 ,i asked  
mildly4  ,this young devil has been     
stealin' neeps1 he roared1 and          
,mitchell's gaein' to mak a pollis court
 case o't4  ,i said nothing2 ,i took    
,jimmy by the arm and walked towards the
 gate of ,mitchell's field4 ,i vaulted  
it and deliberately pulled up a turnip  
and peeled it and ate it1 while the     
constable stood writing down notes      
voluminously4  ,understand1 ,i said to  
him1 that ,i am not primarily           
encouraging ,jimmy to steal turnips2 my 
one aim is to appear in the police court
 with him if he is charged4 ,i would    
rather a thousand times be with him in  
the dock than with you and your farmer  
in the witness-box4  ,peter ,mitchell   
did not prosecute4  ,in these days      
,jimmy realised that he and ,i were     
friends2 we understood each other4 ,now 

he does not think of trying to          
understand me2 ,i am an ex-dominie1 and 
that's enough for him4 ,macdonald is the
 real dominie2 ,jimmy must be           
circumspect when he is about else there 
will be ructions4 ,i don't count3 ,i    
have no authority4 ,i should like to    
hear ,macdonald's remarks to ,jimmy if  
the constable came to the school to tell
 of one of the laddie's escapades4  ,i  
have lost ,jimmy and a hundred others1  
but ,i thank heaven for the bairns left 
to me4 ,they come up nearly every night1
 and they spend ,saturdays and ,sundays 
with me4  ,last ,saturday ,macdonald    
came into the field where we were       
playing4 ,janet and the other girls     
froze at once2 all the fun went out of  
them1 and they looked at him timidly4   
,he tried to show that he also could be 
playful and he tried to romp with them  
for a while4 ,the romp wasn't a success2
 they were acting all the time1 and when
 a girl tigged him she did so with a    
woefully apologetic air as if she would 

say3 ,excuse my touching you1 sir1 but  
it's only a game1 you know4 ,i'll take  
care not to presume when we meet on     
,monday morning4  ,luckily he did not   
stay long1 and the girls resumed their  
attempt to tie my legs together with    
grass ropes1 their motive being to stuff
 my mouth with brambles4 ,i invited them
 down to the bothy for tea1 and they    
rushed off to lay the table4  ,and we'll
 look into a' yer drawers and places1   
cried ,jean1 and read a' yer            
love-letters4  ,if you could read ,i    
believe you would read them1 ,i shouted 
after her4  ,eh6 ,what an insult6 she   
cried4 ,aw'll just go straucht doon to  
,maggie and tell her no to hae ye6      
,after tea ,gladys suddenly said3 ,come 
on1 we'll play at schules1 eh8 ,the idea
 was hailed with delight1 and ,annie    
requisitioned the services of my new    
braces for a strap1 and ranged us round 
the fire4  ,now1 she said1 this is      
playtime and you are all outside1 and   
when ,i blow the whistle you'll all come

 in4  ,blaw yer bugle1 said ,jean1 just 
to mak it like it was when ye were at   
the schule4 ,so ,i played the ,fall ,in 
and went out to play4 ,i came in late4  
,why are you late8 demanded ,annie4  ,i 
looked round the room vacantly4  ,yes6  
,i said with a nod of enlightenment4    
,the girls giggled1 and ,annie had to   
bite her lip to keep from laughing4     
,where have you been1 sir8  ,oh1 no6 ,i 
cried1 at least ,i don't think so6      
,annie had to sit down and laugh4       
,that's no fair1 she said1 there shud be
 nae funnin' in the schule4  ,i sat down
 on the fender and pulled a face that   
,alfred ,lester might have envied4      
,annie went into fits of laughter4      
,tell ye what1 ,annie1 said ,ellen1     
we'll put the ,mester oot1 and we'll    
play oorsells1 and ,i was dismissed the 
school4 ,after deliberation they agreed 
to allow me to be an inspector provided 
,i did not say anything4  ,when bairns  
play school they always put on the fine 
,english4 ,the teacher's main duty is to

 call erring pupils out and punish them4
  ,now1 ,ellen ,smith1 what is two and  
two8  ,four4  ,very good4 ,now we'll    
have an object lesson4 ,what animal do  
we get milk from1 ,janet8  ,the cow4    
,very good4 ,now we'll have some        
geography4 ,where is the town of--8     
,give us spellin' instead1 cried        
,gladys4  ,come out1 girl6 and ,gladys  
was punished severely4 ,then ,jean was  
punished for laughing4  ,it's my chance 
o' bein' teacher noo1 cried ,ellen and  
,janet at the same time1 and a treble   
scuffle for the strap followed4 ,janet  
got it4  ,now1 she began1 ,i'll be      
,mister ,macdonald4 ,put yer hands      
behind yer backs1 and the first one that
 moves will hear about it6 ,they sat up 
like statues4  ,now1 ,jean ,broon1 you  
stand up and recite the ,elegy ,written 
in a ,country ,churchyard6 ,and ,jean   
stood up and recited the first verse    
dramatically4  ,that'll do4 ,sit down4  
,ellen ,smith1 ,i want you to say the   
first verse of ,wordsworth's ,ode to the

 ,imitations of ,immorality4            
,p-,please1 sir1 tittered ,gladys1 the  
inspector's laughin' like onything6  ,i 
laughed immoderately1 but it wasn't at  
,janet's malapropism that ,i laughed so 
much4 ,i thought of ,mrs4 ,wilks1 the   
charwoman1 who looked after the flat    
another man and ,i shared in ,croydon4  
,one morning she did not arrive to make 
the breakfast1 and ,i went out to look  
for her4 ,i found the old woman--she was
 sixty-three--standing at the foot of   
the stairs weeping4  ,great ,scot6 ,i   
cried1 what's the matter8  ,my 'usband  
ain't goin' to allow me to char for you 
young gentlemen again4  ,what for8 ,i   
asked in amazement4  ,he 444 he accuses 
me of 'avin' immortal relations wiv you1
 she sobbed4  ,i hasten to add that her 
relations with us were not immortal3 we 
sacked her a week later for pinching the
 cream4  ,sorry1 ,janet1 ,i said at     
length1 proceed with your ,imitations of
 ,immorality1 although personally ,i    
don't see the need for them2 the real   

thing's good enough for me4  ,now1 she  
said1 ,i'll be ,mister ,neill now4      
,annie at once began to sing ,tipperary2
 ,ellen began to pull ,gladys's hair2   
,jean pretended that she was biting a   
huge apple 444 and the teacher ,janet   
took a cigarette from the box on the    
table and lit it4  ,you gross libellers6
 ,i cried1 and ,i chased them out of the
 bothy4                             99  
99       99  ,to-night ,i had a long    
walk with ,margaret4 ,i tried to make   
her talk1 for ,i want so much to know   
her views on things4  ,you talk1 she    
said2 ,i like to listen4  ,but1 ,i      
protested1 ,i'm always talking to you1  
and you listen all the time4 ,i want to 
know what is in that wee head of yours  
444 although ,i suppose that ,i ought to
 be satisfied with its exterior4  ,you  
see1 she said slowly and somewhat sadly1
 ,i am not clever2 ,i am only an        
ordinary farmer's daughter working in   
the dairy and the fields4 ,if ,i told   
you what ,i was thinking you would not  

be interested4  ,we walked many yards in
 silence4  ,it is all a mistake6 she    
suddenly burst out passionately4 ,i am  
not good enough for you1 and when my    
bonny face is gone you will hate me4 ,we
 have nothing in common1 and if you met 
me in ,london you wouldn't be interested
 in me at all4 ,you will bring clever   
women to the house and ,i--,i will sit  
in a corner and say nothing1 for ,i     
won't understand the things that you    
talk about4 ,i am afraid to go to       
,london with you4  ,we'll stay here     
then1 ,i said quietly4  ,no6 she cried1 
not that6 ,i will stay here1 but you    
must go to your work and your clever    
friends4 ,o6 it's all been a mistake6   
,she sat down on a fallen tree and wept 
silently4 ,i sat down beside her and    
placed my arm round her shoulders4      
,margaret1 ,i said softly1 we'll have a 
soul to soul talk about it4 ,i'll tell  
you very very frankly what ,i think     
about the whole matter1 and ,i'll try to
 deceive neither you nor myself4        

,intellectually you are not a soul-mate 
to me4 ,that can't be possible seeing   
that you have never had the chance to   
develop your intellect4 ,i know girls   
whose intellect is brilliant and whose  
sense of humour is delicious 444 but ,i 
don't love them4 ,i like them2 ,i love a
 witty conversation with them1 but 444  
,i don't want to touch them4 ,the touch 
of your hand sends a thrill through me1 
and there is no other hand in the world 
that can do that4 ,i want to caress you1
 to hug you1 to kiss your lips1 to kiss 
your lovely neck4 ,margaret1 ,i want you
 444 and you are not my soul-mate4      
,margaret1 ,i must have you4  ,you see1 
dear1 love is a thing that cannot be    
reasoned with4 ,i once wrote down on    
paper a list of the qualities ,i wanted 
in the woman who should be my wife4 ,she
 was to have blue eyes1 a ,grecian nose1
 auburn hair2 she was to be tall and    
imperious2 she was to be a fine pianist4
 ,dear1 your eyes are grey2 your nose   
isn't ,grecian2 you aren't tall1 and    

your limit as a pianist is ,i'm a       
,little ,pilgrim played with one finger4
 ,you're hopeless1 madam1 but1 dash it  
all6444 ,i'll buy an auto-piano6        
,according to all the rules ,i oughtn't 
to find any interest in you at all4 ,do 
you know that popular song ,you ,made   
,me ,love ,you8 ,that's the only popular
 song ,i ever struck that has any       
philosophy in it4 ,it has more real     
pathos in it than ,the ,rosary and      
,tosti's ,goodbye rolled into one4      
',you made me love you2 ,i didn't want  
to do it1' 444 ,margaret1 that's the    
true story of love4 ,love is blind they 
say1 but the truth is that love is mad4 
,i didn't want to love you2 my mind kept
 telling me that you were not the right 
woman 444 and here ,i sit in paradise   
because your head is on my shoulder4    
,the whole thing's absurd and           
irrational4 ,i almost believe that there
 is a real ,cupid who fires his arrows  
broadcast2 of course the little fellow  
is blind and he hits the wrong people4  

,i turned her face towards mine4        
,margaret1 do you love me8  ,i love you1
 she whispered and she nestled more     
closely into my shoulder4  ,and ,i love 
you1 ,i replied1 and kissed her brow4   
,it may be all a mistake1 darling1 but  
you and ,i are going to be man and wife4
  ,anyway1 ,i added1 we have no         
illusions about it4 ,we've looked at the
 thing frankly and openly4 ,we are      
blind1 but we are going into it with our
 eyes open4  ,you are getting silly     
again1 laughed ,margaret1 and we forgot 
all our doubts and fears1 and became two
 children playing with the toy we call  
love4                             99    
99       99  ,margaret came to me       
to-night4  ,mr4 ,macdonald's evening    
school opens to-night4 ,do you think ,i 
should join it8  ,why should you8 ,i    
asked4  ,oh1 ,i have no education1 and  
,i want to learn things4  ,well1 ,i said
 consideringly1 you'll learn things all 
right down there4 ,you'll learn how to  
measure a field1 and how to analyse a   

sentence2 you'll learn a few things     
about the ,stuart kings1 and a few      
things about the ,british colonies4     
,but1 my dear1 do you specially want to 
learn things like that8  ,i don't know  
what things ,i want to learn1 she said  
sadly4 ,i think ,i want to know about   
the things you used to speak about at   
your evening school4 ,things that ,i    
don't agree with when you say them4     
,she laughed shortly4  ,you know1 she   
continued1 you used to make me angry    
sometimes4 ,when you said that you      
didn't object to girls smoking ,i was   
wild with you4 ,and ,i remember how     
shocked ,i was when you said that       
swearing navvies were no worse than we  
were4 ,when you said that the text      
',children1 obey your parents' gave bad 
advice ,i nearly got up and left the    
room4  ,i expect that ,i was a sort of  
bombshell1 ,i laughed4  ,you made me    
think about things that ,i had never    
thought about before4  ,that was what ,i
 was paid for1 ,margaret2 ,i was        

educating you4  ,what is education8 she 
asked4  ,education is thinking1         
,margaret4 ,most people take things for 
granted2 they won't face truth4 ,you    
don't like your sister ,edith2 she is   
catty and jealous4 ,but you won't       
confess to yourself that you dislike    
,edith4 ,all your training tells you    
that brotherly love is the accepted     
thing1 and if you confessed to yourself 
that you are fonder of ,jean ,mackay    
than you are of ,edith1 you would think 
yourself a sinner of the worst type4 ,if
 you want to be educated you must be    
ready to question everything2 you must  
doubt everything4 ,you must be very     
chary of making up your mind4 ,do you   
believe in ghosts8 ,i asked suddenly4   
,of course not6 she said with a smile4  
,do you8  ,i don't know1 ,i answered4   
,lots of people claim to have seen them1
 and for that reason ,i leave the       
question open4 ,there may not be ghosts1
 but ,i don't know enough about the     
subject to deny that they exist4 ,i am  

quite ready to believe you if you tell  
me that you saw a ghost in the granary4 
,i asked the question just to use it as 
an illustration4 ,popular opinion laughs
 at the idea of a ghost1 but the        
thinking person won't accept the        
conventional view4 ,keep an open mind1  
,margaret1 and believe when you are     
convinced4  ,education never stops2 we  
are being educated every day of our     
lives4 ,why1 only yesterday1 ,i was up  
in the top field1 and ,i heard a great  
squealing4 ,i hurried to the place and  
was just in time to rescue a tiny rabbit
 from a weasel4 ,i had seen a weasel    
kill a rabbit many a time before that1  
and ,i had never thought anything about 
it4 ,but yesterday a sudden thought came
 to me4 ,i remembered the words ',god is
 good1' and ,i began to think about     
them4 ,then ,i suddenly said to myself  
that the words were not true4 ,the world
 is full of pain and terror2 the great  
law of nature is3 ,eat or be eaten4 ,i  
realised for the first time that every  

hedgerow is a horrid den of suffering   
and fear4 ,cruelty is ,nature's name1   
,margaret4  ,but1 she cried in          
perplexity1 isn't there much good in the
 world too8  ,yes1 dear1 there is much  
good in the world1 but cruelty is much  
more powerful4 ,you and ,i are cruel    
unthinkingly4 ,we kill wasps before they
 sting us2 we aren't good enough to give
 the poor brutes the benefit of the     
doubt4 ,your father is a very           
kind-hearted man1 yet he never once     
thinks of the cruelty he perpetrates    
when he rears sheep and cattle and lambs
 for the butcher's knife4 ,you and ,i   
dined on roast lamb often this summer1  
and we never thought of the poor wee    
creature's agony when the butcher cut   
its throat4 ,your mother is kind1 yet   
she will kill a mouse without a thought1
 and the mouse is to me the bonniest    
creature that lives4 ,its great big     
glorious eyes fascinate me4 ,think of   
the kindly people who chase a poor      
half-starved fox with hounds and horses2

 sport is the cruellest thing in the    
world4 ,shooting1 fishing1 hunting 444  
men are as cruel and as devilish as the 
tiger or the hawk1 ,margaret4  ,animals 
maybe don't feel the same as we do1 she 
said4  ,don't you lay that flattering   
unction to your soul1 ,i cried4 ,i used 
to believe that comforting tale of the  
scientist that the lower animals do not 
feel4 ,i ceased to believe it when ,i   
tried to put a worm on a fish-hook4     
,when ,i saw it wriggle about ,i said to
 myself3 ',this is pain1 or rather it is
 agony4' ,think of the pain that your   
mares and cows suffer when they are     
having their young4 ,you and ,i heard   
the screams of ,polly when that dead    
foal was born this year4  ,when you     
think of it1 ,margaret1 man's chief end 
is not to glorify ,god as the ,catechism
 says2 his chief end is to eliminate    
pain 444 human pain4 ,you have heard of 
vivisection8 ,performing operations on  
animals1 often without chloroform4      
,what's it all for8 ,not cruelty1 as    

,bernard ,shaw suggests2 it's all done  
with the kindly purpose of finding out  
new ways to abolish human pain4 ,rabbits
 and guinea-pigs are dosed with all     
sorts of microbes so that scientists    
might discover how to protect human     
beings from the pain of disease4 ,the   
doctors sometimes do manage to discover 
a new way to abolish a certain pain1 and
 the pathetic thing is that while they  
torture animals to find a way to abolish
 pain a thousand scientists are busily  
engaged inventing weapons that will     
bring more pain into the world4 ,it is  
an alarming thought that our doctors and
 nurses spend their lives trying to keep
 the unfit alive1 while our armament    
makers spend their lives planning means 
to send the fit to their death4 ,lots of
 people have said that this war shows   
the failure of ,christianity2 what it   
really shows is the failure of          
,medicine4 ,medicine's primary aim is to
 keep people alive as long as possible2 
,war's primary aim is to kill as many   

people as possible4 ,war is really a    
battle between two branches of science1 
between shells and senna4 ,the shell    
scientist won 444 and the medicine man  
buckled on a ,sam ,browne belt and went 
out to help his rival's victims4 ,if the
 doctors of the world had realised that 
war was a defeat of their principles    
they would have gone on strike1 and     
would no doubt have stopped the war by  
doing so4 ,every doctor should be a     
pacifist1 but as a matter of fact very  
few doctors are pacifists4  ,what is a  
pacifist8 asked ,margaret4  ,a pacifist 
is a man who loves peace so much that   
people look up almanacs to see whether  
his name was ,schmidt a generation back1
 ,margaret4 ,he is usually a nervous man
 with the physical courage of a hen1 but
 he has more moral courage than three   
army corps4 ,he is usually a            
,conscientious ,objector1 and it takes  
the moral courage of a god to be that4  
,they are just a lot of cowards6 cried  
,margaret with indignation4  ,no1 ,i    

said1 ,i can't agree with you4 ,no      
coward will face the scorn of women and 
the contempt of men as these men do4    
,think of the life that lies in front of
 a ,conscientious ,objector4 ,nobody    
will ever understand him2 he will be an 
outcast for ever4 ,dear1 it takes       
stupendous courage to put yourself in   
that position1 and ,i can't think that  
any man could do it unless he were      
following principles that were dearer to
 him than the judgment of his fellow    
men4 ,you see1 ,margaret1 ordinary      
courage and moral courage are totally   
different things4 ,i know a man who won 
the ,v4,c4 for a very brave deed1 and   
that chap wouldn't wear a made-up tie   
for all the decorations in the world2 he
 wouldn't have the moral courage to be  
seen walking down the street with a     
,bengali4 ,the more imagination you have
 the higher is your moral courage1 but  
imagination is fatal to physical        
courage4 ,moral courage belongs to the  
thinker2 physical courage to the doer4  

,and ,i can't help thinking that moral  
courage goes with unhealthiness4 ,i am  
quite sure that physical courage is     
primarily dependent on physical health4 
,if my liver is out of order ,i tremble 
to open a letter2 ,i can't walk ten     
yards in the dark2 and the arrival of a 
telegram would give me a fainting fit4  
,nerves are always unhealthy1 and as    
thinkers are always highly strung people
 ,i conclude that thinking is unhealthy4
 ,thinkers are mad1 ,margaret1 mad as   
hatters4  ,mad6  ,yes4 ,the lunatic is  
merely the man whose brain is different 
from the brain of the average man4 ,the 
average man does not imagine himself to 
be ,jesus ,christ1 and when a man does  
imagine himself to be ,christ we say    
that he is mad1 and we shut him up4 ,he 
may be a ,christ for all we know4 ,i    
don't know why the community didn't shut
 up ,shaw when he first preached that   
obedience was one of the ,seven ,deadly 
,virtues4 ,the average man didn't agree 
with him1 and we can say that ,shaw is  

therefore mad4 ,you see1 dear1 man is   
firstly an animal2 ,joe ,smith the      
butcher down in the village is an       
animal1 a fine healthy animal4 ,he is   
primitive man1 and thinking is the last 
thing he could attempt4 ,thinking is an 
acquired characteristic2 it isn't a     
natural thing1 and anything unnatural is
 diseased4 ,a thinker is as much a freak
 as a man born with two heads4 ,and     
that's why ,i say that thinkers are     
unhealthy4 ,blake the great poet was    
mad2 ,ibsen the great ,norwegian        
dramatist died in the mad-house2        
,shelley was diseased2 ,milton was      
blind1 ,keats a consumptive2 nearly     
every great composer of music who ever  
lived was mad4  ,but1 laughed ,margaret1
 you said that education was thinking1  
and now you say that thinkers are all   
mad4  ,yes1 but madness is what the     
world needs4 ,all these villagers down  
there are absolutely sane1 but the world
 won't be a scrap the better for their  
existence4 ,i prefer a world of         

,shelleys and ,ibsens to a world of     
,jack ,johnsons and ,sandows 444 and    
,joe ,smiths4 ,a great ,german          
philosopher called ,nietzsche preached  
the gospel of ,superman4 ,he wanted a   
fine race of powerful men who would rule
 the world4 ,some people say that       
,napoleon and ,csar and ,cromwell were  
,supermen1 but the real ,supermen were  
men like ,christ and ,ibsen and ,darwin 
and ,shelley2 a fighter is a nobody1 but
 a man with a message is a ,superman4   
,i don't understand1 said ,margaret     
dully2 what do you mean by having a     
message8  ,a messenger is a man who     
forces people to consider things that   
they wouldn't consider without being    
prompted4 ,christ's message was love2   
,he encouraged men to act according to  
the good that was in them2 the          
kindliness1 the charity1 the love4 ,and 
the fact that shooting and hunting and  
lamb eating still persist shows that we 
pay but little attention to ,christ's   
message4 ,shelley's message was freedom1

 freedom to think and to live one's own 
life4 ,you'll find that there are only  
the two kinds of message 444 love and   
freedom4  ,the evangelists who were     
holding meetings in the school last     
winter used to speak about their        
'message1' said ,margaret4 ,would you   
say that they were ,supermen8  ,they    
were ,superwomen1 ,i said hastily4 ,they
 depended on emotionalism4 ,they said   
nothing new1 and they would refuse to   
consider anything new if you asked them 
to4 ,they had no power to think2 they   
quoted all the time4 ,consequently their
 message evaporated2 when the magnetism 
of their appeal went away the converts  
lapsed into their old sinful ways4 ,they
 didn't understand the message they     
tried to deliver2 they had never really 
thought out ,christ's philosophy4 ,they 
had got hold of a catch phrase or two1  
and they kept shouting3 ',though your   
sins be as scarlet they shall be made   
whiter than snow4' ,but ,i am quite sure
 that they did not know what they meant 

by sin4 ,christ's chief message was3    
',love one another1' but they made it   
out to be3 ',love yourself so well that 
you may cry for salvation from the wrath
 to come4'  ,margaret looked at the     
clock on my mantelpiece4  ,o6 she cried1
 it's eight o'clock 444 and the class   
began at seven6 ,i can't go now4  ,at   
the door she paused for a moment2 then  
she came back slowly4  ,i won't attend  
his class1 she said thoughtfully2 ,i    
think ,i'll just come over to see you   
every night1 and you'll talk to me and  
educate me4  ,well1 ,i smiled1 ,i will  
give you a wider education than         
,macdonald can give you4 ,for example   
444 this6  ,i could get any amount of   
teaching in kissing1 she tittered4      
,possibly1 darling 444 but there is no  
teacher hereabouts with my knowledge and
 experience of the art4  ,you horrid    
pig6 she laughed1 and she pulled my     
hair4     ,,xiv4   ,janet and ,annie    
came up to me to-night4 ,hullo6 ,i      
cried1 what's become of ,ellen and      

,gladys and ,jean8  ,we're no speakin'  
to them1 said ,annie loftily4  ,cheeky  
things6 said ,janet with scorn4  ,i     
became interested at once4  ,rivals in a
 love affair8 ,i asked4  ,they sniffed1 
and ignored the query4  ,it was ,jean1  
said ,annie bitterly4 ,she went and telt
 the ,mester that ,aw spoke when he was 
oot o' the room4  ,aye1 said ,janet1 she
 put doon my name tae4 ,wait er ,i get  
her at hame the nicht6  ,i understood4  
,macdonald evidently favours the        
obnoxious practice of setting a bairn to
 spy on the others 444 a silly thing to 
do4  ,aye1 went on ,annie1 and she      
called us navvies' lasses6  ,and you    
replied8  ,aw telt her to g'wa hame and 
darn the hole in her stockin'4 ',aye1'  
,aw said1 'and ye can wash yer neck at  
the same time1 ,jean ,broon6'  ,but1 ,i 
said1 ,jean never has a dirty neck1     
,annie4  ,weel1 what did she say that   
,aw was a navvy's lass for then8 she    
demanded indignantly4  ,i'm afraid that 
she has seen you speaking to navvies1   

,annie4  ,annie became excited4 ,she    
clutched ,janet by the sleeve4  ,eh6    
,what an insult6 she cried4 ,janet      
,broon1 div ,aw speak to navvies8       
,never in a' yer life1 said ,janet      
firmly1 never wance 444 unless yon day  
that the twa o' them speered at ye the  
wye to the huts4  ,but ,aw didna answer1
 said ,annie quickly2 ,aw just pointed4 
,are you sure8 ,i asked4  ,sure as      
daith1 she declared solemnly1 and she   
cut her breath4 ,aw maybe wud ha'       
spoken1 she admitted1 but ,aw had a     
muckle lump o' jaw-stickin' toffee in my
 mooth1 and ,aw cudna speak supposin'   
,aw had wanted to4  ,pointing was as bad
 as speaking1 ,i said4  ,if it was1 said
 ,annie tensely1 ,jean never washes her 
neck4 ,so there6  ,they departed1 and in
 half-an-hour the enemy came up4 ,they  
sat in the bothy in silence for a time4 
,well1 ,i said cheerily1 what's the news
 to-night8  ,we're fechtin'1 said       
,gladys1 fechtin' wi' ,annie and ,janet4
  ,what's it all about1 eh8  ,the       

,mester gar me write doon the names o'  
them that was speakin'1 blurted out     
,jean1 and ,aw put doon their names4    
,yes1 chimed in ,ellen1 and syne they   
ca'ed ,jean a tramp1 and said that the  
,mester gae her the job o' writin' doon 
the names cos she was sic a bad writer  
and needed practice4  ,aye1 said        
,gladys1 and they telt me my mither got 
my pink frock dyed black when my faither
 deed4  ,and it wasna her pink frock1   
cried ,ellen2 it was her green ane4     
,this is alarming1 ,i said with concern4
 ,but tell me1 ,jean1 did you say       
anything to them8  ,aw never said a     
word6  ,not one word8  ,they cried to us
 that we was navvies' dochters1 and ,aw 
just said3 ',aw wud rather be a navvy's 
dochter than the dochter o' ,annie      
,miller's faither onywye4'  ,they telt  
,jean to wash her neck1 said ,gladys4   
,jean smiled grimly4  ,aye1 but they got
 mair than they bargained for6 ,i just  
says to them1 ,aw says3 ',annie ,miller1
 gang hame and tell yer faither to redd 

up his farm-yaird4 ,aye1 and tell yer   
mither to wash yer heid ilka week       
instead o' twice a year6'  ,but1 ,i     
protested1 ,annie gets her hair washed  
every ,saturday night6  ,and ,aw get my 
neck washen ilka mornin'6  ,all right1  
,jean1 but you haven't told me what you 
said to ,janet4  ,jan6 ,i soon settled  
her6 ,i just says to her says ,aw3 ',wha
 stailt the plums that mither brocht    
hame on ,saturday nicht8'  ,and did ,jan
 steal the plums8 ,i asked4  ,she did   
that6  ,and you never touched them8  ,no
 the plums1 she said frankly2 ,aw wasna 
sic a thief as that4 ,aw only took a wee
 corner o' the fig toffee4  ,i scratched
 my head thoughtfully4  ,this is a bonny
 racket1 girls4 ,i don't know what to   
make of it4 ,i think you'll better make 
it up4  ,never6 cried ,jean stoutly4    
,ellen and ,gladys and me's never to    
speak to them again2 are'n we no1       
,ellen8  ,never6 cried ,ellen4  ,no if  
they were to gang doon on their bended  
knees6 declared ,gladys4  ,that's       

awkward for you1 ,jean1 ,i said4 ,do you
 mean to tell me that you won't speak to
 ,jan when you are sleeping together8   
,aw'll just gie her a dig in the ribs   
wi' my elbow to mak her lie ower1 but   
,aw'll no open my mooth4  ,and what if  
your mother says to you3 ',jean1 tell   
,janet to feed the hens8'  ,aw'll just  
hand her the corn-dish and point to the 
henhoose4  ,and put oot my tongue at    
her1 she added4  ,jean1 ,i said         
suddenly1 ,i'll bet you a shilling that 
you are speaking to ,jan and ,annie by  
to-morrow night at four4  ,aw dinna hae 
a shillin'1 she said ruefully1 but ,aw  
bet ye a hapenny ,aw'm no6              
99       99       99  ,to-night ,jean   
came running up to me when school was   
dismissed4  ,gie's my hapenny6 she      
cried2 ,aw didna speak to ,annie and    
,janet a' day6  ,honest8  ,it's true1   
said ,ellen1 isn't it ,gladys8  ,then   
,i'll pay up my debt of honour1 ,i said1
 and ,i held out a ha'penny4  ,jean took
 it1 and then she set off round the     

steading in great haste4 ,she returned  
with her arms round ,janet and ,annie4  
,aw got ,bets ,burnett to tell them     
aboot the ha'penny1 she confessed1 and  
to speer them no to speak to me a' day  
and ,aw wud gie them a bit o' sugarelly4
  ,you scheming besom6 ,i cried and ,i  
laid her on my bothy table and sat on   
her4  ,eh6 ,jean6 said ,gladys1 if only 
ye had said ye wud bet a shillin'6      
,dear me1 ,i said hastily1 when ,i come 
to think of it ,i did bet a shilling4   
,jean bet a hapenny1 but ,i distinctly  
remember saying that ,i was betting a   
shilling4 ,here you are1 ,jean6 but     
,jean refused it with indignation4 ,not 
one of them would touch it4  ,right6 ,i 
cried4 ,i'm going down to get           
cigarettes4 ,who's coming8  ,i spent a  
shilling on sweets and chocolate4 ,no   
one would accept a single sweetie4      
,i'll give myself toothache if ,i eat   
them1 ,i said4 ,they paid no heed4  ,i  
won't invite one of you to my marriage  
if you don't take them4 ,they wavered1  

but did not give way4  ,all right1 ,i   
said with an air of great determination1
 here goes6 and ,i tossed the bag into  
the field4 ,they made no sign of        
interest1 and we walked up the brae4    
,jim ,jackson was coming down with his  
milk4  ,jim1 ,i began1 if you go down to
 that first gate1 and look over the     
hedge you'll find--  ,i got no farther4 
,come on6 cried ,janet1 ,aw dinna want  
them1 but ,jim ,jackson's no to get them
 onywye6  ,i was glad to note that they 
gave ,jim a handful as he passed4       
99       99       99  ,to-day was fair  
day1 and the bairns all went to town4 ,i
 cycled in in the afternoon1 and took   
the girls on the hobby-horses4 ,i also  
stood ,jim ,jackson and ,dickie ,gibson 
into the stirring drama entitled3 ,the  
,moaning ,spirit of the ,moat 444 a     
,drama of the ,supernatural4 ,i had a   
few shies at the hairy-dolls1 and won   
two cocoanuts and a gold tie-pin4 ,then 
,i stood fascinated by the style of the 
gentleman who kept the ring stall4      

,several articles were hung from hooks1 
and you tried to throw a ring on to a   
hook4 ,his invariable comment on a      
ploughman's attempt was3 ,hard luck for 
the alarum-clock6 ,give the gentleman a 
collar-stud4  ,about five o'clock ,jim  
came up to me4  ,how now1 duke1 ,i said 
breezily1 how much money have you left8 
,i was astonished to hear that he had   
half-a-crown4  ,why6 ,i cried1 you told 
me at three o'clock that you had only   
ninepence left6  ,he smiled             
enigmatically4  ,aw've been speculatin'1
 he said proudly4 ,have ye seen the     
mannie that's sellin' watches and things
 at the ,cross8 ,aw was standin' there  
wi' ,geordie ,steel this mornin'1 and   
the mannie speered if onybody wud gie   
him a penny for a shillin'1 and naebody 
wud dae it at first4 ,syne a ploughman  
gae him a penny and he got the shillin'4
 ,syne the mannie speers again1 and     
,geordie got a shillin' for a ha'penny4 
,syne he began to sell watches1 and the 
first man that bocht a watch got his    

money back4 ,syne he held up a gold     
chain1 and the man that bocht that he   
got his money back4 ,syne he held up    
anither gold chain and said he wud sell 
it for half-a-crown4 ,so ,geordie ups   
and hauds oot his half-croon1 and it was
 a' the money he had4 ,weel1 he gets the
 chain1 but no his money back4 ',don't  
go away1' says the mannie2 'each and    
every man as buys an article of         
jewellery will have his reward4'  ,weel1
 ,aw waited for half-an-hoor1 but       
,geordie hadna got onything by that     
time1 so ,aw goes and sees the boxin'   
show4 ,after that ,aw had a shot o' the 
shoagin' boats1 and syne ,aw went back  
to the ,cross4 ,geordie was ay waitin'  
for his reward4 ,so ,aw says to him3    
',he's likely forgot a' aboot it1       
,geordie2 tell him6' ,so ,geordie hauds 
up his gold chain and says3 ',hi1       
mannie1 ye said ,aw was to get a        
reward6' ',o1 yes1' says the mannie1    
'and so you shall6 ,i want you to keep  
these eighteen carat gold sleeve-links  

as a memento of this occasion1' and he  
shoved a pair o' links into ,geordie's  
hands4 ,after that he shut his box and  
said he wud hae anither sale at four    
punctual4  ,weel1 ,aw began to think    
aboot the thing1 and when he began again
 he did the same thing4 ',will anyone   
oblige me by giving me a penny for      
half-a-crown8' he says1 and ,aw was just
 puttin' up my hand when a man held up  
his penny4 ',hi6' ,i cried1 ',aw'll gie 
ye tuppence if ye like6' and the mannie 
that was selling the things he lauched  
and handed me the half-croon4 ',you're  
the kind of lad ,i'm looking for for an 
apprentice1' he says1 but whenever ,aw  
got the money ,aw turned and ran awa1   
and he cries after me3 ',yes1 you are   
the lad ,i want1 but ,i see you are too 
clever for me4'  ,i asked ,jim to show  
me the half-crown1 and ,i examined it4  
,it was quite genuine1 but ,i said to   
,jim3 ,men like that usually give away  
bad money4 ,he was off like a flash1 and
 when he came back he carried           

twenty-five pennies and ten hapennies4  
,if he starts to sell again1 he         
announced1 ,aw'll get ,geordie to hand  
up the penny1 but ,aw'll no stand aside 
him4  ,the girls each brought my market 
to me to-night 444 a packet of rock4 ,i 
asked about their spendings4 ,janet had 
bought three lucky-bags and nine lucky  
eggs4 ,she had had no luck1 and was     
somewhat grieved at the fact that ,jean 
had bought only one lucky-egg and had   
got a new hapenny in it4 ,janet would   
have bought another egg with the        
hapenny1 but ,i was not surprised to    
hear that ,jean had bought sugarelly4   
,ellen had bought a tupenny note-book   
and a copying-ink pencil1 a rubber and a
 card of assorted pen-nibs4 ,gladys had 
spent her all on lemon-kailie1 the      
heavenly powder you get in oval boxes1  
with two wee tin spoons to sup it with4 
,jim came up later4 ,his pockets        
contained three trumps1 or ,jewish harps
 as they are called in catalogues1 three
 copying-ink pencils1 a pencil that     

wrote red at one end and blue at the    
other1 two mouth-organs1 a wire puzzle1 
and 444 ,geordie's gold chain4 ,the     
latter he had bought for tuppence and a 
double-stringed trump4  ,aw spent three 
and fowerpence1 he said1 but dinna tell 
the ,mester6  ,why not1 ,jim8  ,cos     
he'll be angry4 ,he told us yesterday no
 to spend oor money at the market1 but  
to bring it and put it in the ,savin's  
,bank4  ,i wonder what becomes of the   
money that children put into the        
,savings ,bank4 ,i think that their     
parents usually collar it at some time  
or another4 ,i half suspect that quite a
 number of cottage pianos owe their     
appearance to the children's bank-books4
 ,i stopped the saving business when ,i 
was down in the school4 ,bairns seldom  
get money1 and sugarelly is like        
,robinson ,crusoe3 you must tackle it   
when you are young1 or you never enjoy  
it thoroughly4 ,i think it cruel to make
 a bairn bank the penny it gets for     
running a message4 ,spending is always a

 pleasant thing1 but a bairn gets more  
delirious joy out of buying a hapenny   
lucky-bag than an adult gets out of     
buying a thousand guinea ,rolls ,royce  
motor4  ,some parents are foolish enough
 to give their bairns too much to spend4
 ,little ,mary ,wallace has a penny     
every day of the year4 ,i think that    
foolish of her mother4 ,spending must be
 a very rare thing if it is to yield the
 highest pleasure4  ,i would advise     
bairns to save when they have a definite
 object in view4 ,to lay up treasure in 
the ,post ,office ,savings ,bank is1 for
 a bairn1 about as tempting as laying up
 treasure in heaven4 ,bairns can't      
entertain remote possibilities4 ,you can
 tell a boy that a sum in the bank will 
help him to buy clothes or a bicycle    
when he is a man1 and the prospect does 
not thrill him4 ,you can't persuade a   
boy to cast his eyes on the years to    
come when his eyes are rivetted on a    
cake of chewing-gum in the village shop 
window4 ,if he saves it should be for a 

direct tangible object4 ,he takes up a  
,gamage catalogue 7the most delightful  
of books to a boy71 and he sees an      
illustration of a water-pistol costing a
 shilling4 ,if he is a boy of spirit he 
will deny himself sweeties for a month  
in order to get that pistol4 ,the       
self-discipline necessary to enable a   
village boy to buy a water-pistol will  
do him infinitely more good than all the
 discipline of all the ,macdonalds in   
,scotland4 ,i would have all children   
poor in money1 but ,i would give them   
the opportunity of earning enough money 
to buy their toys4 ,a little poverty is 
good for anybody2 ,i would recommend a  
young man to live on twelve shillings a 
week for a year or two2 he would begin  
to see things in proportion4  ,a friend 
of mine bases his antipathy to          
,socialism on this view of poverty4 ,he 
argues that poverty brings out          
self-reliance1 pluck1 grit4 ,when ,i ask
 him why he doesn't support ,socialism  
as a means of bringing all these        

advantages to the poor wealthy folk1 he 
is at a loss4 ,in a manner ,i agree with
 him2 poverty will often give a race    
splendid characteristics4 ,but          
,socialism recognises that the wealth of
 the world is divided most unequally4   
,at one end you have luxury that makes  
men degenerate2 at the other end you    
have poverty that makes men swine4 ,if  
,shaw's idea of equal incomes could be  
carried out each person would be in the 
position of a member of the present     
lower middle class2 he would be rich    
enough to be well-fed and happy1 and he 
would be poor enough to discipline      
himself to make sacrifices to attain an 
object4 ,i don't think that any man     
should satisfy more than one desire at a
 time4 ,if ,andrew ,carnegie wants a    
motor-car and a four manual organ he has
 simply to tell his secretary to write  
out two cheques4 ,but if ,i want a      
motor-cycle and an ,angelus player-piano
 ,i've got to give up one desire4 ,i    
know that ,i'll tire of either1 and all 

,i have to do is to sit down and wonder 
which novelty will last the longer4 ,i  
want both very much4 ,a #b-;h4p4        
,douglas would be delightful1 and an    
,angelus with lots of rolls would charm 
the long nights away4 ,but 444 there is 
,margaret4 ,i begin to think of blankets
 and sheets and pots and pans4 ,i don't 
want any of these plebeian articles1 but
 ,i want ,margaret very much1 and ,i    
know that along with her ,i must take   
the whole bunch of kitchen utensils4  ,i
 begin to feel sorry for millionaires4  
,one of the finer pleasures of life is  
the desiring of a thing you can't buy4  
,the sorriest man in story is the       
millionaire who arrived at a big hotel  
very late1 so late that he couldn't be  
served with supper4 ,he straightway sent
 for the proprietor and asked the price 
of the hotel4 ,he wrote out a cheque on 
the spot 444 and called for his sausage 
and mashed--or whatever the dish was4   
,no wonder that millionaires complain of
 indigestion4  ,that story contains a   

fine moral4 ,i don't exactly know what  
the moral is1 but ,i hazard the opinion 
that the moral is this3--,never buy a   
hotel in order to get a plate of sausage
 and mashed4 ,millionaires might be     
defined as men who buy hotels in order  
to get sausage and mashed 444 and they  
can't digest the sausage when they have 
got it4 ,when a ,carnegie builds a great
 organ in a great hall he is really     
buying the whole hotel4 ,he is taking an
 unfair advantage of his fellow         
music-lovers4 ,a plate of sausage and   
mashed would be of far greater moment to
 ,g4 ,k4 ,chesterton than to the        
millionaire1 but ,g4 ,k4 couldn't buy   
the whole hotel2 he would merely swear  
volubly and tighten the belt of his     
waistcoat 444 if that were possible4    
,the millionaire should not have this   
advantage over ,chesterton4 ,so a       
millionaire should not have any         
advantage over a music-lover4           
,collinson1 the ,edinburgh ,university  
organist1 has no doubt a greater        

appreciation of organ music than a      
,carnegie1 but he has to go down to his 
church organ on a winter night if he    
wants to play a ,bach fugue4 ,money is  
power1 they say1 but money is worse than
 power2 it is tyranny4 ,a successful    
pork-merchant whose one talent is his   
ability to tell at a glance how much pig
 it takes to fill a thousand tins of    
lamb cutlet1 may buy up half the        
treasures of the world if he likes4     
,priceless pictures and violins lie in  
millionaires' halls1 while students of  
genius study prints and practise on two 
guinea fiddles4 ,at first sight this    
seems a problem that ,horatio ,bottomley
 would handle eagerly and popularly1 but
 the problem is really a deep one4 ,when
 humanity abolishes the power to amass  
millions who is to have the priceless   
treasures8 ,in the case of art the      
community of course4 7,i see in to-day's
 paper that ,rodin has bequeathed all   
his works to ,france47 ,but what of the 
,stradivarius violins8 ,i would have    

them lent to the geniuses4 ,who is to   
decide who the geniuses are8 ,that is a 
question of fundamentals1 and if ,i had 
left the question to ,mr4 ,bottomley ,i 
think he would have recommended his     
readers to write to ,john ,bull about   
it4  ,i begin to feel that ,i am talking
 through my hat as the vulgar phrase has
 it4 ,my baccy's finished1 and ,i can't 
concentrate my attention on any subject4
 ,what ,i meant to do was to show that a
 millionaire is a man to be pitied4 ,to 
buy a ,titian painting when your tastes 
lie in the direction of ,heath          
,robinson's ,frightful ,war ,pictures is
 as pathetic a thing to do as to sit out
 a classical concert when your tastes   
lead you to a passionate love for       
ragtime4 ,and buying a ,titian is a     
simple case of buying the hotel in order
 to get the sausage and mashed that you 
can't eat4  ,millionaires 444 no1 it's  
no good2 ,i'll have to fold up my       
typewriter till ,i get some more baccy4 
,,xv4   ,margaret was reading a few     

pages of my diary to-night4  ,why1 she  
said1 it's all about yourself6  ,not    
all1 ,i said hastily1 some of it is     
about you 444 but ,i won't let you read 
that part until you are my wife4 ,if you
 knew the terrible things ,i have       
written about you you would go off      
straightway and marry ,joe ,smith4  ,you
 think quite a lot of yourself1 she said
 with a laugh4  ,everybody thinks a lot 
of himself1 ,margaret4 ,if ,i died      
to-night you would probably have        
forgotten the shape of my nose by the   
time you were sixty1 but you'll never   
forget that ,i told you your neck was   
the loveliest neck in the county4 ,my   
old grandmother used to tell me again   
and again of the man who stopped her on 
the road when she was seven and told her
 that her eyes were like blue stars4    
,his name was ,donald ,gunn 444 but she 
could never recollect the names of the  
girls she played with4  ,the people who 
don't think much of themselves are      
people who have no personality to be    

proud of 444 personally ,i haven't yet  
met any of the brand4 ,we all have      
something that we're conceited about1   
dear4 ,you are conceited about your eyes
 and your neck and your hair4 ,jean     
,hardie is about the plainest girl in   
the village1 but ,i could bet that she  
thinks her hair the most glorious in the
 place 444 and it is too4  ,very often  
we are conceited about the things that  
we can do worst4 ,i can draw pretty     
well1 but ,i'm not conceited about it4  
,i can't sing for nuts 444 and if anyone
 left the room when ,i was warbling ,i  
should hate him to all eternity4 ,i like
 a man to be an egotist 444 if he has   
got an ego of any value4 ,peter         
,mac,mannish is a type of egotist that  
should be put into a lethal chamber4 ,he
 has no ego to talk about1 but he       
imagines that his stomach is his ego1   
and he will talk to you for an hour     
about the 'yirkin'' of the organ in     
question4  ,what is an ego8 asked       
,margaret4 ,i never heard the word      

before4  ,it is the ,latin word for     
',i1' and a person who uses the pronoun 
',i' very often is called an egotist4   
,the other word egoist has a different  
meaning2 it means a person who thinks of
 himself all the time1 a selfish person4
 ,you can be an egotist without being an
 egoist1 and vice versa4 ,peter         
,mitchell never talks about himself2    
while you talk about yourself he is     
thinking out a method of selling you    
something at double its value4  ,there  
are two kinds of egotist 444 the man who
 talks about what he does1 and the man  
who talks about what he thinks4 ,when ,i
 get letters from my friends they are   
full of ,i's4 ,dorothy ,westbrook1 a    
college friend of mine1 a medallist in  
half-a-dozen classes1 fills eight pages 
with small talk4444 ',i went to see     
,tree in the ,darling of the ,gods last 
night1' and so on4 ,i generally skip the
 eight pages and look at the            
post-script4 ,may ,baxter1 another      
college friend1 a girl who wouldn't     

recognise a medal if you showed her one1
 writes ten pages1 and she usually      
commences with something like this3--',i
 was re-reading ,the ,new ,machiavelli  
last night1 and ,i think that ,i begin  
to despise ,wells now4' ,i read her     
letter a dozen times4 ,when she does    
take a fancy for the other kind of      
egotism she is delightful3 she doesn't  
tell me what she does2 she tells me what
 she is4  ,i have half a mind to leave  
you for a year1 ,margaret1 just to give 
you a chance of writing about yourself4 
,i won't be able to write to you in the 
same strain3 ,i wrote myself out when ,i
 fell in love at twenty-two4 ,you can   
only be a good letter-writer once1 and  
that is when you are discovering        
yourself for the first time1 and ramming
 it down on paper as fast as you can4 ,i
 used to write letters of twenty        
foolscap pages1 but now ,i never write a
 letter if ,i can help it4 ,life has    
lost most of its glamour when you       
realise that you have discovered        

yourself4 ,it's a sad business          
discovering yourself1 dear4 ,you set out
 to persuade yourself that you are a    
genius or a saint1 and1 after a long    
examination of yourself you discover    
that you are a sorry creature4 ,you set 
out with ,faith and ,hope at your elbow1
 and at the end you find that they have 
long since left you1 but you find that  
,charity has taken their place4 ,charity
 begins at home says the proverb1 and ,i
 take this to mean that ,charity comes  
to you when you find yourself at home1  
when you discover yourself4 ,i used to  
be the most uncharitable of mortals1 but
 now ,i seldom judge a man or woman4    
,peter ,mac,mannish gets drunk2 ,i do   
not condemn him1 for ,i have looked on  
the wine when it was red4 ,mary         
,mac,winnie has had two illegitimate    
children2 ,i am a theoretical ,don      
,juan4 ,shepherd1 the rabbit-catcher1   
has an atrocious temper2 ,i do not judge
 him1 because1 although my own temper is
 pretty equable1 ,i can realise that the

 man can no more help his temper than ,i
 can the size of my feet4 ,charity comes
 to you when you have discovered how    
weak you are1 and that's what kept me   
from being a good code teacher4 ,i was  
such a poor weak devil that ,i couldn't 
bring myself to make the boys salute me 
or fear me4  ,you say that1 but you     
don't believe it4  ,i believe it1       
,margaret4 ,my whole theory of education
 is built on my abject humility4 ,my    
chief objection to ,macdonald is that he
 ignores his own weaknesses4 ,he has    
never analysed himself to see what      
manner of man he is4 ,if he could look  
into his heart and discover all the     
little meanesses and follies and        
hypocrisies he would not have the       
courage to make a boy salute him2 he    
would not have the impudence to strap a 
boy for swearing4 ,one of the worst     
things about ,macdonald and a thousand  
other dominies is that they have        
forgotten their childhood4 ,a dominie   
should never grow up4 ,i would take away

 from all students their text-books on  
,school ,management and ,psychology1 and
 put into their hands ,barrie's ,peter  
,pan and ,stevenson's ,a ,child's       
,garden of ,verses4  ,margaret1 why     
can't people see that the ,macdonald    
system is all wrong8 ,what in all the   
world is the use of dominies and        
ministers and parents posing before     
children8 ,what is respect but a pose8  
,what is ,macdonald's sternness but a   
pose8 ,he is a kindly decent fellow     
outside his school4 ,the bairns meet    
with pose the first thing in the morning
 when they enter the school4 ,they stand
 up and repeat the ,lord's ,prayer      
monotonously1 and without the faintest  
realisation of what they are saying4    
,the dominie closes his eyes and clasps 
his hands in front of him1 and ,i don't 
believe there is a single dominie in    
,scotland who really prays each morning4
 ,for that matter ,i don't believe that 
there are half-a-dozen ministers who    
repeat the prayer on ,sundays with any  

thought of its meaning4 ,the morning    
prayer is a gigantic sham4 ,when ,i said
 to ,macdonald that ,i would have it    
abolished in schools he almost had a    
fit4 ,the bigger the sham is the louder 
is the screaming in its defence if you  
attack it4  ,think of all the shams that
 parents practise4 ,they pretend that   
babies come in the doctor's pocket2 they
 pretend that a lie is as much an       
abomination to them as it is to the     
,lord2 they imply by their actions that 
they never stole apples in their lives2 
they hint that they don't know what bad 
language means4 ,they live a life that  
is one continuous lie4  ,i don't        
understand that1 said ,margaret with a  
puzzled look4  ,a mother lies to her    
child when she tells it that it is      
wicked when it makes a noise2 a father  
lies to his son when he tells him that  
he will come to a bad end if he smokes  
any more cigarettes4 ,worse than that   
they lie by negation4 ,the father       
changes his ',hell6' into ',hades6' when

 he hits his thumb with a hammer2 the   
mother says ',tut ,tut6' when she means 
',damnation6' ,both go to church as an  
example to their offspring 444 and going
 to church is in most cases a lie4      
,nearly every father of a family says   
grace before meat1 and he generally     
delays the practice until his first-born
 is old enough to take notice4 ,then    
there is the lie about relationship4 ,a 
child never discovers that its father   
has about as much love for its mother's 
aunt as he has for the ,king of ,siam4  
,convention is one huge lie1 ,margaret4 
,you lift your hat when a coffin goes   
by2 you beg my pardon when ,i ask you to
 pass the marmalade2 you stand          
bare-headed when a band plays the       
,national ,anthem4 ,it's all a lie1     
dear1 a pretty lie perhaps1 but a lie   
all the same4 ,but after all1 the       
manners business is a minor affair2 you 
can't abolish it1 and if you try you    
will only make yourself ridiculous4 ,but
 the other lies1 the hypocritical lies  

that are told to children 444 these are 
dangerous4 ,an ardent republican will   
doff his hat when the band plays ,god   
,save the ,king1 and be none the worse2 
the unpleasantness that might follow his
 keeping his hat on his head wouldn't be
 worth it4 ,but if ,i pretend to a child
 that ,i am above human frailty ,i am   
doing a hellish thing that may have     
devilish consequences4  ,your language  
is awful6 cried ,margaret in feigned    
protest4  ,i was quoting ,the ,ancient  
,mariner1 dear2 you read it at my       
evening class1 and you have evidently   
forgotten it4 ,since the beginning of   
humanity children have been warped by   
the attitudinising of their elders4 ,a  
child is imitative always2 he hasn't the
 power to think out biggish things for  
himself4 ,he is tremendously docile2 he 
will believe almost anything you tell   
him1 and he will accept an older        
person's pose without question4 ,if one 
of the village boys were to see         
,macdonald stotting home drunk he would 

be like the countryman who1 when he saw 
a giraffe for the first time1 cried3    
',hell6444 ,i don't believe it6' ,and   
the sad thing is that they never are    
able to distinguish between pose and    
truth4 ,the villagers who used to tell  
my bairns that ,i was daft don't realise
 what pose is2 they have never found the
 right values4 ,when they criticise the 
minister or the dominie they invariably 
fasten on the wrong things4 ,they are   
beginning to criticise ,macdonald       
because he insists on a bairn's bringing
 a written excuse when he has been      
absent1 but they believe in all his     
poses--his love for respect1 his        
authority1 his whackings1 his hiding of 
his pipe when a child is near1 his      
passion for sex morality1 his dignity1  
his 444 his frayed frock coat that he   
wears in school4  ,the poor man's only  
wearing out his old ,sunday coat6       
protested ,margaret4  ,i never thought  
of that1 ,margaret2 ,i'll cut out the   
coat4 ,but he shouldn't have a frock    

coat anyway4 ,when we get married ,i    
shall insist on dressing in an old      
golfing jacket1 flannel bags1 and a soft
 collar4 ,the only danger is that men of
 my stamp are apt to make unconvention  
conventional4 ,it's a very difficult    
thing to keep from posing when you are  
protesting against pose4  ,oh6 ,i don't 
understand the half of what you say1    
said ,margaret wearily4  ,that means    
that you think my lips might be better  
employed1 you schemer6 and ,i 444 well1 
,i don't think ,i need write everything 
down after all4                         
99       99       99  ,there was a      
venter locust at the schule the day1    
remarked ,annie4 ,i was brushing my     
boots at the bothy door1 and the girls  
sat on the step and watched me4  ,a     
what8 ,i asked4  ,a venter locust4 ,ye  
paid a penny to get in1 and ,jim        
,jackson gaithered the pennies in the   
mannie's hat and got in for nothing1 for
 he didna put his ain penny in4  ,what  
sort of show was it1 ,annie8  ,he had a 

muckle doll wi' an awfu' ugly face1 and 
he asked it questions4  ,did it answer  
them8  ,aye4 ,it opened its great big   
mooth4  ,there maybe was a gramaphone   
inside1 suggested ,gladys4  ,jim        
,jackson said that it was the mannie    
that was speakin' a' the time1 said     
,janet4  ,jim ,jackson was bletherin'1  
said ,annie with scorn4 ,aw watched 'im1
 and his mooth never moved a' the time4 
,perhaps he was talking through his hat1
 ,annie1 ,i said4  ,he wasna1 she cried1
 for his hat was on the ,mester's desk  
fu' o' pennies6  ,well1 ,i ventured1 the
 proverb says that money talks1 you     
know4  ,weel1 tittered ,annie1 there    
wasna much money to talk1 for the       
pennies was nearly a' hapennies6  ,aw   
dinna understand how that doll managed  
to speak1 said ,ellen1 and ,i proceeded 
to explain the mysteries of             
ventriloquism to them4 ,then ,i told    
them my one ventriloquist yarn4  ,a     
broken-down ventriloquist stopped at a  
village inn one hot day1 and stared     

longingly through the bar door4 ,he     
hadn't a cent in his pocket4 ,he sat    
down on the bench and gazed wearily at a
 stray mongrel dog that had followed him
 for days4 ,suddenly inspiration came to
 him4 ,he rose and walked into the bar4 
,a pint of beer1 mister6 he cried1 and  
pretended to fumble for his money1 when 
the landlord placed the tankard on the  
bar counter4  ,the dog looked up into   
his face4  ,here1 mister1 said the dog1 
ain't ,i going to get one8  ,the        
landlord started4  ,that's a remarkable 
animal1 he said with staring eyes4      
,pretty smart1 said the ventriloquist   
indifferently4  ,i'll--,i'll buy that   
dog1 said the landlord eagerly2 ,i'll   
give you five pounds for him4  ,the     
ventriloquist considered for a while4   
,all right1 he said at length1 ,i hate  
to part with an old friend like him1 but
 ,i must live1 and ,i have no money4    
,the landlord counted out the five      
sovereigns1 and the ventriloquist drank 
up his beer and made for the door4      

,better come round and take hold of the 
dog1 he said1 or he'll follow me4  ,the 
landlord lifted the bar-flap and took   
hold of the dog by the collar4  ,at the 
door the ventriloquist looked back4 ,the
 dog gazed at him4  ,you brute1 it      
cried1 you've sold me for vulgar gold4  
,i swear that ,i'll never speak again4  
,i paused4  ,and1 you know1 girls1 he   
never did4  ,eh1 cried ,janet1 what a   
shame6 ,the public-hoose mannie wud     
leather the puir beast to mak' it speak4
  ,that's the real point of the story1  
,jan4 ,a story is no good unless it     
leaves something to the imagination4    
,the ,mester gae us a story to write for
 composition the day1 said ,annie4 ,it  
was aboot a boy that was after a job and
 a' the boys were lined up and they had 
to go in to see the man1 and he had a   
,bible lyin' on the floor1 and a' the   
lads steppit over it1 but this laddie he
 pickit it up and got the job4  ,that's 
what you call a story with a moral1     
,annie4 ,it is meant to teach you a     

lesson4 ,the best stories have no morals
 444 neither have the people who listen 
to them4  ,we had to write the story1   
said ,ellen1 and syne we had to tell why
 the boy got the job4 ,aw said it was   
becos he was a guid boy and went to the 
,sunday ,schule4  ,aw said it was becos 
he was a pernikity sort o' laddie that  
liked things to be tidy1 said ,gladys4  
,annie laughed4  ,aw said the man was   
maybe a fat man that cudna bend doon to 
pick it up4 ,what did you say1 ,jan8    
,aw dinna mind1 said ,janet ruefully1   
but when the ,mester cried me oot for   
speakin'1 ,aw picked up a geography book
 on the floor1 just to mak the ,mester  
think that ,aw had learned a lesson frae
 his story1 but he gae me a slap on the 
lug for wastin' time comin' oot4  ,jim  
,jackson got three scuds wi' the strap  
for his story1 said ,annie4  ,ah6 ,i    
cried1 what did he write8  ,he said that
 the laddie maybe hadna a hankie1 and   
his nose was needin' dichted and he     
didna like to let the man see him       

dichtin' it wi' the sleeve o' his       
jaicket1 so he bent doon to pick up the 
,bible and dicht his nose on the sly at 
the same time4  ,yes1 ,i said sadly1    
that's ,jim ,jacksonese1 pure and       
simple4 ,poor lad6  ,the ,mester said he
 was a vulgar fellow1 said ,janet4  ,a  
low-minded something or other1 he ca'ed 
him1 said ,gladys4  ,but he didna greet 
when he got the strap1 said ,annie1 he  
just sniffed thro' his nose and--and    
dichted it wi' his sleeve4  ,i knew then
 that all the ,macdonalds in creation   
couldn't conquer my ,jim4     ,,xvi4    
,macdonald and ,i were comparing notes  
to-night4  ,i found that ,monday was    
always a noisy day in school1 ,i said2  
the bairns were always unsettled4  ,i   
don't find that1 he said2 ,friday is    
their worst day4 ,i don't understand    
that4  ,friday was my free day1 ,i said4
  ,what do you mean by free day8  ,every
 bairn did what it liked4  ,good ,lord6 
exclaimed ,macdonald4  ,that's nothing1 
,i laughed1 why1 ,i gave them a free    

week once4  ,what was your idea4        
,laziness8  ,laziness6 ,my dear boy1 ,i 
never put in such a hard week in my     
life4 ,a boy would come out and ask for 
a certain kind of sum1 then a girl would
 bring out a writing book and ask for a 
setting2 by the time ,i had attended to 
these1 a dozen were waiting4  ,did they 
all work8  ,they were all active4       
,dickie ,gibson spent the week in       
sketching2 ,geordie ,steel read five    
penny dreadfuls2 ,janet ,brown played at
 anagrams2 ,annie ,miller read ,the     
,weekly ,welcome2 ,ellen ,smith worked  
arithmetic all week and ,jock ,miller   
wrote a novel4 ,jock spent half his     
dinner-hour writing4  ,that's what a    
school should be1 ,i added4  ,ah6 ,so   
you think that reading penny dreadfuls  
is education8  ,everything you do is    
education4  ,so you say1 but ,i want to 
know the exact educational value of     
penny dreadfuls4 ,my idea is that they  
do boys harm4  ,that's what the         
magistrates say1 ,macdonald4 ,they trace

 all juvenile crime to penny dreadfuls  
and the cinema4 ,the ,british have a    
passion for scapegoats4 ,we have war    
with ,germany4 ',who did this8' demand  
the public indignantly4 ',who's going to
 be whopped for this8' ,they look round 
and ,haldane's rotund figure catches    
their eye4 ,haldane becomes the         
scapegoat4 ,so with poor ,birrell when  
the ,sinn ,fein rebellion occurred4 ,so 
the magistrates fasten on the poor penny
 dreadful and the picture-film4         
,obviously they do so because they are  
too stupid to think out the problem of  
crime4 ,picture-houses have about as    
much to do with crime as ,birrell had to
 do with the dissatisfaction in         
,ireland4  ,come1 come1 said ,macdonald 
impatiently1 keep to the point3 what    
educational value has the penny         
dreadful8  ,the educational value that  
any reading matter has4 ,it doesn't give
 you many ideas1 but you can say the    
same thing about ,barrie's novels or    
,kipling's4 ,it gives a boy a vocabulary

 and it exercises his imagination4      
,wouldn't he be better reading good     
literature8 ,dickens for instance8  ,i  
don't see it1 ,i said2 he isn't ripe    
enough to understand ,dickens's humour1 
and for a boy ,i should say ,dickens is 
bad4 ,his style is grandiose and        
stilted1 his periphrasis is the most    
delightful in the world to an educated  
person1 but it is bad for a child4      
,about half of ,david ,copperfield is   
circumlocution1 but a boy should learn  
to speak and write boldly4 ,the penny   
dreadful goes straight to the point4    
',harold looked straight into the blue  
barrel of a ,colt automatic4' ,translate
 that into ,dickensese 7an ugly word to 
coin1 ,i admit7 and you have something  
like this3--',harold contemplated with  
extreme apprehension the circular muzzle
 of a ,cerulean blue automatic pistol of
 the kind specifically manufactured by  
the celebrated world-famous ,american   
firm of ,colt4'  ,poor ,dickens1 laughed
 ,macdonald4  ,but you see my point8 ,i 

persisted4 ,circumlocution is a         
,victorian nuisance4 ,any man who has   
anything to say says it simply and      
without trappings4 ,and1 mind you1      
,macdonald1 people who use              
circumlocution in style use it in       
thought4 ,the average man loves flowery 
literature1 and he loves flowery        
thoughts4 ,the contest between the plain
 style and the aureate style is really  
the old contest between realism and     
romance4 ,the romantic way to look at   
crime is to fix your attention on drink 
and penny dreadfuls and cinema shows2   
the realistic way is to look bravely at 
the economic division of wealth that    
causes poverty and disease1 the father  
and mother of crime4  ,you're away from 
the point again1 said ,macdonald with a 
smile4 ,how do you defend ,janet        
,brown's week of anagrams8  ,it doesn't 
need any defence2 it was ,janet's fancy 
to play herself and ,i fail to see that 
she was wasting time4 ,you really never 
waste time unless you are under         

coercion4  ,another rotten paradox1 he  
laughed1 go on6  ,when ,i allow         
convention to force me to play cards ,i 
feel that ,i am wasting time1 for ,i    
hate the blamed things4 ,but if ,i spend
 a day pottering with the wheels of an  
old clock ,i am not wasting time3 ,i am 
extremely interested all the time4  ,no1
 no6 ,it won't do6 ,janet was wasting   
time1 and you know it1 in spite of your 
arguing6  ,i'll tell you what's wrong   
with you and all your fellow            
educationists1 ,macdonald1 ,i said4     
,you've got utilitarian commercial      
minds4 ,you worship work and duty1 and  
you have your eyes on monetary success  
all the time4 ,you look upon bairns as a
 foreman mechanic looks upon workmen1   
and your idea of wasted time is the same
 as his4 ,if ,i were ,bruce1 the linen  
merchant1 ,i should certainly accuse a  
girl of wasting time if ,i caught her   
reading a novelette during working      
hours4 ,bruce has one definite          
aim--production of linen4 ,he knows     

exactly what he wants to produce4 ,you  
don't1 and ,i don't4 ,we don't know what
 effect puzzling out anagrams will have 
on ,janet's mentality4 ,we have no right
 to accuse her of wasting time4  ,don't 
tell me1 he cried2 there is a difference
 between work and play4 ,janet has no   
more right to play during school hours  
than a mill-girl has to read novelettes 
during working hours4  ,the mill-girl is
 a wage-slave1 and ,i don't think that  
dominies should apply the ethics of     
wage-slavery to education4 ,her master1 
,bruce1 goes golfing and fishing on     
working days1 only1 he is economically  
free1 and he can do what he likes4 ,and 
,i don't suppose you will contend that  
tending a loom is the goal of humanity4 
,if you want to make ,janet an efficient
 mill-girl by all means coerce her to   
work in school4 ,but1 ,macdonald1 ,i    
have argued a score of times that       
education should not aim at turning out 
wage-slaves4 ,if ,janet is to be a      
mill-girl all your history and grammar  

won't make her tend a loom any better2  
so far as the loom is concerned the     
composing of anagrams will help her     
quite as much as grammar will4  ,when   
,macdonald had gone ,i made up my mind  
that ,i wouldn't argue about education  
with him again4 ,i'll bring out my pack 
of cards when he next visits me4        
99       99       99  ,i have had a     
sharp attack of influenza1 and have been
 in bed for a week4 ,when my temperature
 fell ,i commenced to read a book on    
political philosophy1 but ,i had to give
 it up4 ,i asked ,margaret to borrow a  
few novels from ,macdonald's school     
library1 and ,i found content4 ,i read  
,the ,forest ,lovers1 ,king ,solomon's  
,mines1 and one of ,guy ,boothby's ,dr4 
,nikola stories1 and was entranced4     
,when you are ill you become primitive2 
the emotional part of you is uppermost1 
and you weep over mawkish drivel that   
you would laugh at when you are well4   
,any snivelling parson could have       
persuaded me to believe that ,i was a   

sinner1 had he come to my bed-side three
 days ago4  ,luckily no snivelling      
parson came1 but the girls came every   
night4  ,aw hope ye dinna dee1 said     
,annie4  ,ye wud need an awfu' lang     
coffin1 said ,janet as she measured me  
with her eye4  ,you've got a cheerful   
sort of bed-side manner1 ,jan1 ,i said4 
,wud ye hae an oak coffin8 she asked4   
,couldn't afford it1 ,jan4 ,you see ,i'm
 saving up for my marriage4  ,but if ye 
need a coffin ye'll no need a wife4     
,the wedding-cake will do for the       
funeral feast1 ,i said hopefully4 ,i've 
ordered it4  ,janet laughed4  ,eh6 ,it  
wud be awfu' funny to eat weddin' cake  
at a burial6 she cried4 ,wud'n it8  ,i  
don't think ,i would be in a position to
 appreciate the fun of the thing1       
,janet4  ,maggie wudna see muckle fun in
 it either1 said ,gladys4  ,wud ,jim    
,jackson be yer chief mourner8 asked    
,ellen4  ,possibly1 ,i said1 but don't  
mention the fact to him4 ,he'll become  
unsettled4 ,he's an ambitious youth1    

,jim1 and his position as best man at my
 marriage will merely make him long for 
other worlds to conquer4  ,ye wud hae a 
big funeral1 said ,janet thoughtfully4  
,we wud get a holiday that day1 she     
added brightly4  ,ah6 ,i said1 that     
settles it1 ,jan4 ,leave me to die in   
peace4 ,let me see--this is ,tuesday2 if
 ,i die now that will mean ,saturday for
 the funeral4 ,that's no good4 ,what do 
you say to my putting off the evil day  
till ,friday8 ,that will mean a holiday 
on ,tuesday4  ,but ye canna dee when ye 
want to6 she laughed4  ,i can easily    
borrow some of ,mrs4 ,thomson's rat     
poison4  ,syne ye wud be committin'     
sooicide1 cried ,annie1 and they wud    
bury ye at nicht1 and we wudna get oor  
holiday4  ,ah6 ,annie6 ,you've raised a 
difficulty4 ,i hear ,jim whistling      
outside4 ,bring him in and we'll see if 
he can solve the problem4  ,they brought
 ,jim to my bedside4 ,i explained the   
difficulty1 and ,jim scratched his head4
  ,if ye was murdered they wudna bury ye

 at nicht1 he said after some           
deliberation4  ,a brilliant idea1 ,jim1 
but who is to murder me8  ,joe ,simpson 
wud dae it 444 quick1 he answered4 ,he  
has a notion o' ,maggie4  ,aw wud get   
another holiday1 he added1 when ,joe was
 tried4 ,aw wud be a witness4  ,so wud  
,aw1 said ,annie4  ,and me too1 said    
,janet4  ,ye wudna1 said ,jim with      
scorn1 lassies canna swear1 and ye have 
to put yer hand on the ,bible and swear 
when ye are a witness4  ,we'll have to  
give up the murder idea1 ,i said firmly3
 it's unfair2 ,i can't have ,jim getting
 two holidays while the girls get only  
one4  ,we micht get another holiday when
 ,joe was buried1 suggested ,ellen4     
,no1 said ,jim1 they bury a hanged man  
in the jile4  ,ye'll just need to get   
better again1 said ,janet4  ,you'll lose
 your holiday in that case1 ,jan4  ,she 
put her arm round my neck4  ,aw was just
 funnin'1 she said kindly1 ,aw dinna    
want ye to dee4 ,aw wud greet4  ,you    
would forget me in a week1 ,jan4  ,na   

,aw wudna1 she protested4 ,aw wud put   
flowers on yer grave ilka ,sabbath1 and 
,aw wud cut oot the verse o' pottery in 
the paper4 ,aw cut oot the verse aboot  
my auntie ,liz4  ,what was it8  ,aw     
dinna mind1 but it was something like   
this3--        ,we think1 when we look  
at yer vacant chair1        ,of yer dear
 old face and yer grey hair1      ,but  
ye are away to the land of above        
,where ye'll never more have care4      
,very nice1 ,jan4 ,now you'll better set
 about composing a verse for me4  ,a'   
richt1 she laughed1 we'll mak a line    
each1 and here's the first one3--       
',he was goin' to be marrit1 but he     
dee'd afore his time   ,you mak the next
 line1 ,annie4        ',and ,jim        
,jackson ate so muckle at the funeral   
that he got a sair         wime4'       
,nane o' yer lip1 growled ,jim4  ,come  
on1 ,gladys1 ,i said1 third line4       
',he dee'd o' effielinza1 and he'll no  
hae ony mair pain4   ,last line1 ,ellen6
        ',but in the ,better ,land we'll

 maybe meet him again4'   ,there shud be
 something aboot 'gone but not          
forgotten1' said ,jim4 ,when auld ,rab  
,smith dee'd his wife had 'gone but not 
forgotten' in the papers 444 and the    
corp wasna oot o' the hoose4  ,aw've got
 a new frock1 said ,janet1 and the      
conversation took a cheerier direction4 
,on the following evening ,margaret came
 in when they were with me4  ,come on6  
cried ,janet1 we'll mak ,maggie kiss    
him6 and they seized her4  ,no1 ,i said1
 influenza is catching1 and ,i don't    
want ,margaret to be ill4  ,eh6 cried   
,annie1 d'ye think we believe that8 ,aw 
believe she's kissed ye a hunder times  
since ye was badly4  ,not a hundred1    
,annie1 ,i said2 the truth is that she  
kissed me once2 ,i had just taken my    
dose of ,gregory's ,mixture1 and she    
vowed that she would never kiss me      
again4  ,aw wud chuck him up if ,aw was 
you1 ,maggie1 said ,jean1 he tells far  
ower many lees4  ,should ,i8 laughed    
,margaret4  ,aye1 cried ,jean with      

delight1 gie him back his ring6         
,margaret drew off her ring and handed  
it to me1 and the girls clapped their   
hands gleefully4  ,very good1 ,i said   
resignedly1 you girls will better cancel
 the orders for wedding frocks4 ,and1   
,jean1 just look in and tell ,jim       
,jackson not to buy a new dickie1 will  
you8  ,the girls looked at each other   
doubtfully4  ,ye're just funnin'1 said  
,jean with a forced laugh4  ,funning8   
,my dear ,jean1 when a girl hands back  
the engagement ring1 do you mean to tell
 me she is funning8  ,children live in  
two lands--the land of reality and the  
land of make-believe4 ,a serious look   
will make them jump from the one to the 
other4 ,they looked at my serious face  
and believed that ,margaret had really  
given me up4 ,then they glanced at      
,margaret2 she laughed1 and their       
clouded faces cleared4 ,i knew that they
 would try to make me believe that they 
still considered ,i was in earnest4     
,aw'll cry in and tell ,jim aboot the   

dickie1 said ,jean4  ,it's a pity ye    
ordered the weddin' cake1 said ,annie4  
,ye can gie it to the ,mester to        
christen his bairn1 suggested ,janet4   
,it'll be ower big1 said ,gladys4       
,aweel1 retorted ,janet1 he can gie the 
half o't to the ,mester1 and maybe the  
other half will do for ,peter           
,mitchell's funeral4  ,what6 ,i cried1  
is ,peter dead8  ,no exactly1 said      
,janet hopefully1 but he's badly wi' the
 chronic1 and he'll maybe dee4  ,that   
settles the question of the cake1 ,i    
said1 but you have still to settle the  
question of ,margaret4  ,she can marry  
,joe ,simpson1 suggested ,ellen4  ,aye1 
said ,jean1 and she'll hae to work oot1 
and feed the three black swine4 ,she wud
 be better to tak ,dave ,young1 for he  
has only twa swine to feed4  ,be an auld
 maid1 ,maggie1 said ,janet1 and keep a 
cat4 ,a man's just a fair scutter onywve
 444 especially a delicate man that taks
 effielinza and lies in his bed4 ,ye'll 
be far better as an auld maid1 ,maggie4 

,ye'll no hae ony bairns1 but bairns is 
just a nuisance4  ,i'll be an old maid  
then1 said ,margaret4  ,now you've      
disposed of the cake and the lady1 ,i   
said1 what is to become of me8  ,you6   
said ,janet4 ,you can be an auld        
bachelor and live next door to ,maggie1 
and she'll send a laddie ower wi' a bowl
 o' soup when she has soup to her       
dinner4  ,aye1 said ,gladys1 and she'll 
wash yer sarks and mend yer socks for   
you4  ,sounds as if ,i am to have all   
the joys of matrimony without its       
sorrows1 ,i said4 ,i'm afraid1          
,margaret1 that we'll have to get       
married after all4 ,the other way is too
 expensive3 we should require to pay the
 rent of two houses4  ,but1 cried       
,annie1 if ye get married ye'll hae     
bairns to keep1 and they'll cost mair   
than the rent o' two hooses6  ,then in  
,heaven's name what am ,i to do8 ,i     
cried in feigned perplexity4  ,janet    
took ,margaret's hand and placed it in  
mine4  ,just tak ,maggie1 she said      

sweetly2 and by the time ye hae bairns  
,aw'll maybe be marrit mysell1 and      
,aw'll mak my man send ye a ham when he 
kills the swine4  ,so ,i placed the ring
 on ,margaret's finger and kissed her4  
,then ,i drew ,janet's head down and    
kissed her too4  ,eh6 cried ,annie1     
that's no fair6  ,what do you mean8 ,i  
asked4  ,ye've kissed ,jan1 she laughed1
 and she'll maybe tak effielinza        
and--and get a holiday4  ,then ,i kissed
 ,annie and the others three times1 and 
they all went out laughing4 ,the tears  
came into my eyes 444 but then ,i was   
weak and ill4     ,,xvii4   ,i object to
 the type of man who practises practical
 jokes4 ,young ,mackenzie and ,jim      
,brown have just played a nasty one on  
,willie ,baffers1 the village lunatic4  
,poor ,willie invented a new aeroplane2 
he took an old solid-tyred boneshaker   
bicycle and fixed feathers to the       
spokes4 ,mackenzie and ,brown inspected 
the invention1 and told ,willie that his
 fortune was as good as made4  ,next    

morning the post brought a letter to    
,willie from the ,munitions ,ministry1  
offering him four million pounds and    
threepence hapenny for the patent       
rights1 and asking ,willie to meet a    
representative at the ,royal ,hotel in  
the town4 ,willie rode the old bike into
 town1 and feathered it in the hotel    
yard4 ,mackenzie with a false beard on1 
handed him a cheque for the four        
millions1 and ,willie ran nearly all the
 eight miles home to tell of his good   
fortune4  ,macdonald told me the yarn   
to-night as a rich joke1 but ,i failed  
to find any humour in it4 ,it was a     
low-down trick4  ,good ,lord6 ,i cried1 
neither of them is much more intelligent
 than ,willie4 ,any man of average      
ability could take them in as easily as 
they took in poor ,baffers4  ,all the   
same1 tittered ,macdonald1 the joke is  
funny4  ,there always is something funny
 in idiotic things1 ,macdonald4 ,if ,i  
had seen ,willie's invention ,i should  
probably have roared2 but the glimpse   

would have satisfied me4 ,i roar at     
,charlie ,chaplin's idiotic actions1 but
 ,i wouldn't be so ready to roar at them
 if ,charlie were really an idiot4 ,any 
fool could spend a lifetime playing     
jokes on village lunatics4 ,i could     
write ,willie a letter offering him the 
command on the ,western front1 and      
signing it ',lloyd ,george1' but that   
sort of fun doesn't appeal to me4  ,i'm 
different1 said ,macdonald4 ,i would    
think that a good joke4 ,you think ,jim 
,jackson funny1 on the other hand1 and  
,i think there's nothing funny about    
him4  ,what has he been doing now8  ,i  
gave them an essay on their favourite   
pets yesterday1 and he wrote one about  
his pet bee and elephant4  ,what did he 
say about them8  ,oh1 the thing was just
 a piece of nonsense4 ,he said the bee's
 name was ,polly1 and--,i have the thing
 in my desk1 he said1 you can read it   
for yourself4  ,i copied the essay out  
to-night4 ,here it is3--        ,,polly 
,,and ,,peter4       ,polly is the name 

of my pet bee1 and ,peter is my         
elephant4 ,they are      very friendly1 
,polly often sits on ,peter's ear but   
,peter never      sits on ,polly's4     
,they eat out of the same dish4 ,peter  
ate ,polly by      mistake one day1 but 
she stung him on the tongue and when he 
opened      his mouth to roar she flew  
out4 ,polly used to sleep in ,peter's   
trunk4 ,one night he sneezed and ,polly 
was lying a mile away next      morning4
       ,in the summer time ,polly lives 
in a wood house in the garden and it    
is called a hive and that is where she  
keeps the honey4 ,i take it      away   
when she is not looking and she thinks  
it is ,peter that does      it1 at least
 she kicks him for it4 ,i have told her 
to watch for      ,zeps4 ,she sits on   
the roof all night watching1 she is to  
sting the      ,kaiser on the nose if he
 comes4 ,she is an old maid4 ,she had a 
lad      called ,archibald1 but father  
sat on him one night and then he swore  
when he tried to sit down for weeks     

after4 ,archibald died4       ,peter is 
a nice animal and he has a thousand     
teeth1 but ,polly only      has twenty4 
,peter looks like he has two tails he   
wags them both but      the front one is
 a trunk for eating4 ,he is an awful big
 eater4 ,he      says his prayers every 
night and ,i hope he will go to heaven  
when      he dies4 ,he had pewmonia and 
,polly had pendisitis1 and the doctor   
made an operation and put in nineteen   
stitches4 ,peter works all      day1 the
 road-roller man is at the war and      
,peter has to roll about      on the    
road to bruise the metal4 ,he fills his 
trunk with water and      wets the road 
first4 ,polly tells him when the moters 
are coming4   ,i don't see anything     
funny in that1 said ,macdonald4         
,possibly not1 ,i said1 but ,jim's idea 
of fun isn't the same as yours or mine4 
,a bairn laughs at ludicrous things3    
,i'm sure ,jim laughed when he imagined 
the scene where his father sat on       
,archibald4 ,the essay is full of       

promise4  ,macdonald handed me ,alec    
,henry's book4  ,that's a better essay1 
he said4  ,i read the essay4  ,its      
,english is better1 ,i said1 the        
sentences are correctly formed1 but     
there isn't an idea in the whole essay4 
,anybody can describe a pet rabbit4     
,that's so1 but composition is meant to 
teach a boy to write good ,english4     
,what's the good of writing good        
,english if you haven't any ideas to    
write about8 ,i cried4 ,every member of 
,parliament can write good ,english1 but
 there aren't half-a-dozen men of ideas 
in the ,house4 ,personally1 ,i don't    
care a damn how a boy writes if he shows
 he is not an average boy4 ,jim ,jackson
 has talent3 ,alec ,henry is a mere     
unimaginative cram4 ,you encourage      
,henry and you sit on ,jim4444 ,i wish  
he had ,archibald's power to sting you6 
,but what is his nonsense to lead to8 he
 said4  ,we don't know4 ,as dominies our
 job is to encourage ,jim in his natural
 bent4 ,it is enough for us that he is  

different from the scholarly ,henry4 ,we
 have a good idea of what ,alec will    
come to2 we know nothing about ,jim4    
,you have tried to fit ,jim into the    
,alec mould1 and you have failed4  ,jim 
knew that you were on his side1 growled 
,macdonald4  ,i suppose he did1         
,macdonald4 ,but you have got all the   
others2 surely you don't grudge me ,jim 
and the five girls8  ,that's all right1 
he said with a short laugh1 ,i've given 
up wooing them4 ,i allow ,jim to choose 
his own line now 444 but ,i'll never    
like the laddie4                        
99       99       99  ,i have always    
disliked all the pomp and circumstance  
of weddings4 ,margaret wanted a quiet   
wedding before a registrar but her      
father was eager to make a fete of the  
occasion1 and we allowed him to have his
 way4 ,besides ,jim and the girls were  
expecting a great day4  ,i can't say    
that ,i enjoyed my wedding4 ,the bairns 
seemed to have lost their identity when 
they donned their wedding garments4 ,jim

 sat on the dickey beside the driver2   
there was pride in his face but his     
smile was gone4 ,the occasion was too   
great for him4 ,the girls stood about   
the dining-room in awkward attitudes1   
and ,i noted the fine ,english of their 
speech4  ,and ,jim failed at the        
wedding-feast4 ,part of his duty was to 
propose the health of the bridesmaids1  
and when the minister called upon him   
for his speech he fled from the room4   
,peter ,mac,mannish proposed the toast  
instead4  ,margaret and ,i set off in a 
hired motor in the afternoon4 ,we were  
going to ,london4 ,when we reached the  
station ,margaret suddenly said3 ,if    
only we could have stayed for the dance 
to-night6  ,yes1 ,i said1 the bairns    
will be in form to-night4  ,we should   
really be there1 continued ,margaret    
sadly1 it's our dance you know4  ,and   
here we are going off to a hotel among  
strangers1 ,margaret6  ,margaret        
clutched my arm4  ,let's go back1 she   
said eagerly1 we'll spend the first bit 

of our honeymoon in the dear old bothy6 
,i beckoned to a taxi-driver4  ,as we   
drove up the brae to the farm ,margaret 
laughed4  ,do you know what ,i am       
laughing at8 she said4 ,i was thinking  
about you coming back4 ,it's a sort of  
habit of yours coming back1 isn't it8   
,you don't care for me one bit2 you are 
in love with ,janet and ,annie4  ,who   
proposed coming back1 madam8  ,i did1   
she cried in great glee3 ,i noticed that
 you didn't seem keen on buying the     
tickets1 and ,i knew you didn't want to 
go4  ,when we walked into the           
dining-room there was consternation4    
,margaret's mother went very white4     
,what's wrong8 she stammered4  ,goad6   
,they've quarrelled already6 exclaimed  
,peter ,mac,mannish in a hoarse whisper4
  ,did ye miss the train8 asked ,janet4 
,no1 ,jan1 we missed the supper1 and we 
made up our minds that it was too good  
to miss4 ,we're going to do an original 
thing2 we're going to dance at our own  
wedding4  ,the blacksmith struck up a   

waltz1 and my wife and ,i waltzed round 
the room4 ,i don't think that a wedding 
party was ever so jolly as ours4  ,the  
bairns escorted us to our bothy at two  
in the morning1 and ,margaret insisted  
on giving them a cup of tea before they 
went home4  ,janet looked round the wee 
room4  ,eh1 ,maggie1 what an awfu' place
 to spend yer honeymoon in6  ,yes1 said 
,margaret1 that's what comes of marrying
 a mean man4 ,it's disgraceful1 isn't   
it1 ,jan8  ,what do ye ca' it when ye   
stop bein' married8 asked ,annie4  ,a   
divorce1 ,i said4  ,and is there a feed 
at a divorce8 asked ,jim with an        
interested expression4  ,no1 ,jim2 you  
are fed up before the divorce           
proceedings4  ,aw wud divorce him1      
,maggie1 said ,annie4  ,it's difficult1 
laughed ,margaret4  ,ye cud say he wudna
 gie ye a proper honeymoon1 put in      
,gladys4  ,annie sat down on my knee4   
,why did ye come back8 she asked4  ,i   
came back to find out how you performed 
your duties1 ,annie4 ,i'll begin with   

the best man4 ,jim ,jackson1 give an    
account of your stewardship4  ,aw had   
three helpin's o' the plum-duff1 twa o' 
the apple-pie1 three o' the--  ,i'm not 
taking an inventory of your interior    
furnishings1 ,i said severely2 what ,i  
want to know is whether you performed   
your duties4 ,did you kiss the          
bridesmaids8  ,eh6 gasped ,janet1 he'd  
better try6  ,do you mean to tell me he 
didn't8 ,i demanded4  ,aw had a         
broken-oot lip1 said ,jim               
apologetically1 and ,aw didna want to   
smit onybody4  ,and the bairn next door 
to oor hoose has the measles1 he added  
hastily4  ,and ,aw lookit at a book     
aboot etikquette and it didna say       
onything aboot kissin' the bridesmaids4 
,the bridesmaids didna want to kiss yer 
dirty moo1 onywye1 ,jim ,jackson1 said  
,janet4  ,aw've got a better moo than   
,tam ,rigg1 onywye1 said ,jim           
cheerfully4  ,janet gazed at his mouth  
curiously4  ,your's is bigger1 onywye4  
,now1 now1 ,i said1 don't you set a     

newly married couple a bad example by   
quarrelling4  ,i turned to ,jean4  ,what
 did you think of the wedding1 ,jean8   
,jean grat1 said ,gladys1 and so did    
,jan4 ,what was ye greetin' aboot8  ,aw 
dinna ken1 said ,jean simply4 ,aw saw   
,maggie's mother greetin' so ,aw just   
began to greet too4 ,what was yer mother
 greetin' for1 ,maggie8  ,i don't know1 
,jean4  ,aw think she had the teethache1
 said ,jim1 cos ,aw heard the minister  
say to her to try a drap o' whiskey4    
,it wasna the teethache1 said ,annie    
scornfully1 but ,aw ken why she grat4   
,to mak fowk think she was so fond o'   
,maggie that she didna want her to ging 
awa1 suggested ,gladys4  ,na it wasna1  
said ,annie1 she maybe was thinkin' o'  
,maggie's auldest sister ,jean that     
dee'd when she was saxteen4  ,g'wa1     
cried ,jim1 it's the fashion to greet at
 a marriage and a burial1 but ye dinna  
greet at a christenin'4  ,why no8 asked 
,jean4  ,cos ye wudna be heard3 the     
bairn greets a' the time4  ,janet       

glanced at ,margaret4  ,that'll be the  
next party1 she said brightly1 the      
christenin'4 ,did ye keep the top storey
 o' the cake1 ,maggie8  ,margaret       
blushed at this4  ,janet seized her by  
the shoulders4  ,ye needna tak a reid   
face1 for ,aw ken fine that ye did keep 
a bit o' the cake for the christenin'4  
,ye'll no need to keep it long or it'll 
get hard6  ,jan1 cried ,jean1           
reprovingly ye shud na say sic things6  
,why no8 ,the minister said something   
aboot a family when he was marryin'     
them4  ,aye1 said ,jean1 but a          
minister's no like other fowk4 ,if      
,mester ,gordon says ',hell' or         
'damnation' in the pulpit it's religion1
 but if you say it it's just a swear4   
,aw was at the manse when the minister  
fell over my barrow1 said ,jim1 and he  
said ',hell6' ,was that religion or a   
swear8  ,aw wud ca' it a lee1 said ,jean
 with a sniff2 only ministers and       
married fowk shud speak aboot bairns1   
and ye shud ken better1 ,jan4  ,janet   

looked at me timidly4  ,did ,aw do any  
wrong8  ,of course you didn't1 you dear 
silly6 ,jean is a wee prude4 ,why       
shouldn't you talk about bairns if you  
want to8 ,the subject of bairns is the  
only important subject in the world1    
,jan1 and if you find anyone who thinks 
the subject improper you can bet your   
boots that they've got a dirty mind4    
,jean is simply trying to follow the    
conventions of all the stupid grown-ups 
in the village4  ,these bairns are all  
innocent4 ,when ,i looked at ,jim's     
composition book the other day ,i read  
an essay with the title ,the ,church4   
,jim did not describe the church3 he    
described an event in the church--his   
own marriage4 ,he was an officer on     
short leave from the ,front4 ,he        
described the ceremony1 then he went    
on3--,i spent my honeymoon in ,edinburgh
 and a wire came telling me to go back  
to the trenches4 ,three weeks later ,i  
was wounded and sent home and found that
 my wife had had a baby4  ,i wrote at   

the end of the essay ,the speeding-up   
methods of ,america are bad enough when 
applied to industry1 but4444  ,they are 
innocent souls1 and already ,jean is    
affected by the damnable conspiracy of  
silence4 ,and the amusing thing is that 
there is nothing to be silent about4    
99       99       99  ,the ,educational 
,institute has sent a deputation to     
,london to confer with the ,secretary   
for ,scotland on educational reform4    
,the deputies dwelt on larger areas1 the
 raising of the school age1 and the     
raising of the salaries of the          
profession4 ,mr4 ,tennant answered them 
at length in guarded language4 ,part of 
,the ,scotsman report runs thus3--      
,asked by ,mr4 ,mac,gillivray for his   
views on the suggestion that the school 
age should be raised to fifteen1 the    
,secretary for ,scotland said that1     
however desirable that might be in the  
interests of the child1 it was a highly 
controversial proposal1 upon which      
employers and in many cases parents1 and

 even the ,state1 would have a great    
deal to say4 ,the expenditure involved  
would1 he was afraid1 make such a       
proposal prohibitive at present4  ,it is
 significant to note that he places the 
employers first1 just as in his previous
 remarks on education he places trade   
first4444 ,people realised that if we   
were going to compete in the great      
markets of the world1 in ideas1 in the  
progress of invention1 and in the       
general progress of mankind and         
civilisation1 we must improve our       
machinery for the training and equipment
 of the human being4  ,the ,educational 
,institute of ,scotland1 like the ,trade
 ,unions1 is very humble in its demands4
 ,why1 in the name of heaven1 ask for   
larger areas8 ,mr4 ,tennant rightly     
replied that it was news to him that the
 ,county ,council is a more progressive 
body than the small ,school ,board4     
,introduce larger areas and your village
 pig-dealer and shoemaker give place to 
your county colonel and manufacturer 444

 the men who are interested in the      
maintenance of discipline and of        
wage-slavery4 ,what the ,institute      
should really do is to give up thinking 
and talking of education for this       
generation4 ,the leading members come   
from our large city schools1 and if they
 haven't yet realised that their damned 
schools are factories for turning out   
slaves they ought to be jolly well      
ashamed of themselves4  ,i visited a    
large city school a few days ago4 ,it   
had nine hundred pupils1 and it was four
 stories high4 ,the playground was a    
small concrete corner2 the discipline   
was like prison discipline2 the rooms   
were dingy soul-destroying cages4 ,how  
dare the teachers of ,scotland ask that 
the school age be raised to fifteen when
 our city schools are barracks like     
that8 ,i would have the age lowered to  
six if these prisons are to continue4   
,one of the delegates1 ,mr4 ,cowan1     
showed that he was looking at education 
in a broad light4 ,education1 he said1  

if it is to be real1 is bound up with   
the questions of housing1 public health1
 medical treatment1 and the like2 444   
hence education should be in the hands  
of some body that would view the matter 
as a whole 444 viz41 the ,county        
,council4  ,he might have added that    
education is primarily bound up with    
profiteering4 ,our city schools are     
necessarily adjuncts to our factories   
and our slums2 the dominie is clearly   
the servant of the capitalist 444 and   
the poor devil doesn't know it4 ,it's   
absolutely useless to talk of larger    
areas and larger salaries and larger    
children2 the fundamental fact is that  
capital calls the tune1 and larger areas
 will do as much for education as       
tinkering with the saddle spring of a   
motor-bike will do for a seized engine  
bearing4  ,larger salaries will attract 
better men and women to the profession1 
says the ,institute representative1 and 
,i ask wearily3 ,what difference will   
that make8 ,you'll merely get honours   

graduates to do the profiteer's dirty   
work more effectively4 ,you can't reform
 the schools from within4 ,the prisons  
are built1 and you will merely tempt    
your highly specialised teacher into a  
soul-destroying hell4 ,the slums and the
 sweating will go on as usual next door2
 your city children will be starved and 
ragged and diseased as of yore4  ,i     
think it a pity that this deputation    
ever went to the ,scots ,secretary at   
all4 ,why should the teaching profession
 go begging favours from the ,state8    
,the wise business men who rule us will 
smile grimly and say3--,the blighters   
gave themselves away when they asked for
 larger salaries4 ,they won't appreciate
 the fact that the deputies were honest 
men with a real desire for a better     
education4  ,i should like to suggest to
 the ,institute that it might have      
written a nice letter to ,mr4 ,tennant4 
,why1 bless me1 ,i'll have a shot at    
composing one myself6 ,here goes6       
,dear ,mr4 ,tennant1       ,we aren't   

asking any favours this time2 we are    
simply writing you      a friendly      
letter telling you what we are going to 
do4       ,firstly1 we are now beginning
 to make a determined attempt to take   
over the control of ,scots ,education   
444 and we'll succeed even if      we   
have to go on strike for our rights4    
,our ,educational ,institute      will  
become the ,scots ,guild of ,teachers   
444 a sort of polite ,trade      ,union1
 you know1 just like the ,medicine      
,union and the ,law      ,union--only   
more so4 ,is that quite clear8          
,well1 our ,guild1 when it is strong    
enough1 will come up to town      one   
fine morning to see the ,cabinet4 ,our  
words will be something      like these3
 ',we are the ,teachers' ,guild of      
,scotland1 old dears1 and      we've    
come to tell you that we're going to run
 the show now4'       ,of course the    
,cabinet will get a shock at first4     
,then they will      laugh and say3 ',we
 wish you luck6 ,by the way how do you  

propose to      get the money8' ,and    
when we answer that we expect to get it 
from      the ,state they will roar with
 mirth4 ,we shall wait politely till    
the laugh is over1 and then we shall    
calmly tell them our proposal      444  
rather1 our demand4 ,we shall demand    
money from the ,state to      carry on  
the whole thing4 ,education isn't a     
profiteering affair1      and we must   
draw every penny from the people 444    
just as the ,state      does now4       
,then a member 7,lloyd ,george in all   
probability7 will remark3 ',yes1        
yes1 gentlemen1 but don't you see that  
all your demand amounts to      is a    
change of management8 ,you want to      
abolish the ,education      ,department 
and substitute your ,president for my   
friend ,sir ,john      ,struthers4'     
,we shall shout ',no6' very very        
viciously at this 444 you've heard      
them shout ',no' when they sing ',for   
he's a jolly good fellow8'      ,well1  
then1 we'll shout it just like that1 and

 then we'll explain      thus3--        
,we aren't going in for a change of     
management3 we are going to      build a
 new house4 ,we are done with grants and
 ,form #i ,b's and      inspectors and  
,supplementary ,classes for ever4 ,we   
are going to      spend4444 ,oh6 such a 
lot of money4 ,you'll be surprised when 
you      know what we are going to do4  
,you know ,dundee8 ,mr4 ,churchill there
      made it famous4444 well1 ,dundee1 
is one of the dirtiest slums in         
creation4 ,at present it has lots of big
 grey schools4 ,we are going      to    
knock 'em down4 ,after that we are going
 to build bonny wee      schools out in 
the country2 schools that won't hold    
more than a      hundred pupils4 ,there 
will be lovely gardens and ponds and    
rabbit-houses2 there will be food       
and--4' ,at this stage the ,cabinet     
will telephone for the lunacy experts4  
,do we make ourselves clear1 ,mr4       
,tennant8 ,as you know well the         
,state will be terribly unwilling to    

give us more money4 ,if we make      our
 schools decent places the poor         
profiteers will be in the soup1         
won't they8 ,our present schools do no  
harm2 the discipline of the             
classroom prepares a bright lad for the 
discipline of the wagery      shop1 and1
 of course1 a girl accustomed to the    
atmosphere of a city      school won't  
object to the ventilation obtaining in  
the factory4      ,when we insist on    
taking the kiddies to bonny wee schools 
the      profiteer will realise with    
dismay that his factory and his         
slum-hovels will have to adapt          
themselves to the new attitude of       
the kids4       ,mind you1 we quite     
admit that we're going to have a hell of
 a      fight4 ,we even go the length of
 saying that we may be beaten at        
first2 for we have no economic power1   
and the men with the economic      power
 will crush us if they can4 ,our only   
weapon will be the      strike1 but even
 the strike will1 in a manner1 be       

playing into the      profiteers' hands2
 ',geewhiz6' they'll cry1 'the teachers 
are on      strike 444 now for cheap    
child labour6' ,our only hope is that   
the      citizens will realise the      
importance of a dominies' rebellion4    
,now1 we don't want you to take this    
letter as a personal insult1      or    
even as a vote of censure4 ,you may be  
of opinion that ,scots      education is
 quite safe in the hands of the         
,secretary for ,scotland1      and you  
may imagine that we've got profiteering 
on the brain4 ,we      have4 ,but we    
can't agree with you that education is  
safe in the      hands of the ,secretary
 for ,scotland4 ,why1 you might get     
another      post to-morrow1 and your   
colleague ,runciman might step into your
      job4 ,and it was only the other   
day that he was defending               
war-profits on the ground that they were
 forming a fund to compete      with    
neutral trade after the war4 ,the worst 
of you political      fellows is that   

you've all got profiteering on the      
brain1 just like      us 444 only1 it's 
a natural healthy growth in your case1  
while in      our case it is a malignant
 tumour4 ,we've got profiteering thrust 
upon us1 so to speak2 you fellows were  
born with it4       ,well1 well1 isn't  
this rotten weather1 what8       ,best  
wishes to ,mrs4 ,tennant4       ,yours  
sincerely1      ,the ,educational       
,institute of ,scotland4                
99       99       99  ,jim came to the  
bothy last night1 and his face was      
troubled4  ,what's the matter8 ,i asked4
  ,aw--,aw didna gie ye a marriage      
present1 he stammered1 ,aw didna hae ony
 money4  ,the present ,margaret and ,i  
want from you doesn't cost money1 ,i    
said2 we want you to write a description
 of the wedding4  ,he brightened at     
once4  ,can ,aw tell lees8 he asked     
eagerly4  ,please yourself1 ,i said1 and
 he went away cheerful4  ,this morning  
the description came by post4 ,i think  
,i shall make it the last entry in my   

diary4                             99   
99       99  ,,the ,,marriage ,,of ,,mr4
 ,,neill ,,and ,,maggie ,,thomson4  ,by 
,,james ,,jackson1 ,esq41 ,b4,m4 7,best 
,man74  ,they were married on ,friday   
and ,i was the best man4 ,janet and     
,annie and ,jean and ,gladys and ,ellen 
were the bridesmaids1 but they were too 
many to kiss4 ,they got a present each1 
a ring with diamonds in it1 but ,i don't
 think the diamonds were real ones4 ,i  
got a knife with four blades and a      
corkscrew and a file and a thing for    
taking things out of horses' feet1 and  
,i had a fight with ,geordie ,brown for 
saying it didn't have a pair of scissors
 in it and ,i licked him1 but there was 
no scissors in it4  ,their was a lot of 
people their and some of the women was  
crying and we got apple-pie and         
plum-duff for our dinner4  ,maggie had a
 white dress on and ,mr4 ,neill had a   
black soot on with tails on the coat and
 a big wide waistcoat but you couldn't  
see the end of his dickey for ,i looked4

 ,he had cuffs on too4 ,i liked the     
plum-duff1 but ,i liked the wedding cake
 best but you only got a little bit of  
it4 ,the girls kept their bit to sleep  
on and have nice dreams but ,i ate mine 
and had dreams too but they were not    
nice dreams4 ,i dreamt that an elephant 
was sitting on my head4  ,i had a ride  
on the dickey to fetch the people and   
there was a white ribbon on the whip and
 the horses was gray4 ,i had to scatter 
the pennies and sweeties and ,tommy     
,sword threw a bit of earth at me and ,i
 would have fought him but ,i didn't    
want to clorty my clean dickey4  ,the   
marriage seramany was not very          
interesting and ,i had to carry the ring
 and it was in my waistcoat pooch but ,i
 pretended to look first in my breek    
pooches and had to empty them on the    
table4 ,i just wanted them to see my new
 knife4  ,i made a speech about the     
bridesmaids and ,i said they were all   
very nice girls but they are not for    
,janet is always fighting with me1 she  

will make an awful wife when she is     
married4  ,the happy cupel went away in 
a moter for there honeymoon but they    
came back again at night and ,geordie   
,brown says that it was a tinker's      
marriage because he did not have enough 
money to go in the train4 ,martha       
,findlay said that they came back       
because he was ashamed to take ,maggie  
to ,london because she is just a        
farmer's daughter and ,i told her she   
was wrong because they came back because
 he gets a sixpenny paper sent by the   
post every ,saturday morning and he     
would have had to buy one to read in the
 train1 but ,i don't think she believed 
me1 she is a jelus cat and she is just  
wild because ,maggie has got a man4     
,there was a party at night and ,i drank
 seven bottles of lemonade and ,frank   
,thomson sang a song and ,peter         
,mac,mannish tried to sing a song at the
 same time and ,mrs4 ,thomson told me to
 put the bottle at the other end of the 
table1 they were not very good singers1 

,peter sang five songs after one another
 so ,mrs4 ,thomson told me to put the   
bottle beside him again and he stopped  
singing4 ,he did not sing again but he  
went round telling everybody that he was
 not drunk though nobody said he was4 ,i
 always thought that he was a very stern
 man but ,i liked him at the dance4     
,mr4 ,macdonald was there but he did not
 sing and he did not get a drink out of 
the bottle but ,mrs4 ,thomson took him  
into the parlour and then she came back 
for the bottle4 ,after that he was a    
nice man not like he is in the school1  
he was laughing and dancing like        
anything4 ,he was in the parlour four   
times4  ,then we sang ,auld ,lang ,syne 
and ,peter ,mc,mannish said he would    
sing it by himself just to show us that 
he was not drunk but he fell asleep     
before he got started to the first      
verse4  ,after it was finished the happy
 cupel went over to the bothy to there  
honeymoon and ,martha ,findlay said it  
made the marriage common and that       

anybody could have a bothy for a        
honeymoon1 so ,i just said to her ,oh1  
aye1 ,martha1 ye'll likely spend your   
own honeymoon in a bothy but you won't  
get an ,m4,a4 with a dickey that you    
canna see the end of for a man1 but     
,margaret deserved him for she is so    
bonny4 ,martha was awful wild at me4    
,geordie ,brown says that the best man  
at the marriage has to hold the baby at 
the christnin but it does not say       
anything in the etikquette book1 and ,i 
telt him he was a liar4 ,he said it     
would maybe be twins and ,i got a black 
eye but he lost three teeth4 ,i hop it  
will not be twins because ,i said ,i    
would give ,geordie my knife if it was  
twins4  ,p4,s4--,please do not have the 
twins4   ,,the ,,end4                   
,,advertisements   ,,by ,,the ,,same    
,,author   #a ,a ,,dominie ,,abroad     
,always original1 ,a4 ,s4 ,neill1 the   
author of ,a ,dominie's ,log1           
decided to found at ,hellerau a school  
which should embody the      educational

 best of all nations4 ,he bought a      
dictionary to learn      the language1  
and a notebook to record his            
impressions4       ,he remains a rebel2 
but he is now a constructive rebel4     
,crown #hvo4       ,price #es4 net4   #b
 ,a ,,dominie',s ,,log       ,the       
,experiences of ,an ,unconventional     
,schoolmaster4 ,by ,a4 ,s4 ,neill1      
,m4,a4 ,crown #hvo4       ,price #bs4   
#f;d4 net4       ,,times3--,it is to be 
hoped that we have not heard the last of
 this      author4       ,,bookman3--,a 
book that is delightful as well as      
profitable to      read4   #c ,a        
,,dominie ,,in ,,doubt       ,by ,a4 ,s4
 ,neill1 ,m4,a4       #bs4 #f;d4 net4   
,,bystander4--,a ,dominie in ,doubt is  
one of the most delightful      books ,i
 have read for some time4   #d ,,the    
,,booming ,,of ,,bunkie       ,a novel  
of laughter4 ,by ,a4 ,s4 ,neill4        
,popular ,edition4 ,crown #hvo4         
#bs4 #f;d4 net4       ,,scotsman4--,a   
richly amusing skit4                    

,,bookman4--,a thoroughly amusing and   
farcical story4   #e ,,carroty ,,broon  
,a novel full of dry ,scotch humour and 
wit4 ,by ,a4 ,s4 ,neill1 ,m4,a4         
#bs4 #f;d4 net4       ,,pall ,,mall     
,,gazette4--,a really first-rate story4 
,,truth4--,a racy little book1 hard to  
beat4   ,,herbert ,,jenkins1 ,,ltd41 #c1
 ,,york ,,st41 ,,st4 ,,james',s1        
,s4,w4#a   ,a ,,new ,,humorist  ,a      
,,dominie',s ,,log  ,,the ,,experiences 
,,of ,,an ,,unconventional              
,,schoolmaster4  ,by ,a4 ,s4 ,,neill1   
,m4,a4 ,crown #hvo4 ,price #bs4 #f;d4   
net4 ,postage #d;d4 extra4   ,,some     
,,early ,,reviews4  ,,evening           
,,news4--,most decidedly a book to buy4 
,,everyman4--,a delightfully            
unconventional schoolmaster4            
,,times4--,it is to be hoped that we    
have not heard the last of the author4  
,,graphic4--,if you want to know what   
might be done buy ',a ,dominie's ,log4' 
,,british ,,weekly4--,a bright and      
lively account of a ,scottish           

schoolmaster's life4  ,,sunday          
,,times4--,the book is one that should  
be read4 ,for it is full of illuminating
 thought4  ,,bookman4--,a book that is  
delightful as well as profitable to     
read4 ,no one who begins it will leave  
it half finished4  ,,clarion4--,i want  
every one to buy ',a ,dominie's ,log4'  
,there is a laugh to every page and a   
valuable thought to every line4  ,,daily
 ,,telegraph4--,nothing better worth    
half-a-crown has come one's way in these
 times of economy4   ,,herbert          
,,jenkins1 ,,ltd41 #ab1 ,,arundel       
,,place1 ,s4,w4   ,,herbert ,,jenkins'  
,green ,label ,novels   #a ,,the        
,,adventures ,,of ,,sally       ,a new  
book of laughter by ,p4 ,g4 ,wodehouse1 
author of ,jill the      ,reckless1     
,piccadilly ,jim1 etc4       #gs4 #f;d4 
net4   #b ,,rachel ,,bland',s           
,,inheritance       ,by ,w4 ,riley1     
author of ,windyridge4 ,a powerful story
 of ,yorkshire      life and character4 
#gs4 #f;d4 net4   #c ,,an ,,ordinary    

,,couple       ,a novel by ,j4 ,e4      
,buckrose1 dealing with the domestic    
experiences      and      adventures of 
a newly married pair4 ,crown #hvo4      
#gs4 #f;d4 net4   #d ,,the ,,return ,,of
 ,,clubfoot       ,by ,valentine        
,williams1 author of ,the ,man with the 
,clubfoot1      further adventures of   
,desmond ,okewood on an island in the   
,pacific4       #gs4 #f;d4 net4   #e    
,,the ,,return ,,of ,,blue ,,pete       
,another thrilling adventure of the     
famous ,blue ,pete and his horse1       
,whiskers4 ,by ,luke ,allan1 author of  
,blue ,pete3 ,half-,breed4       #gs4   
#f;d4 net4   #f ,the ,,mysterious ,mr4  
,,garland       ,another ,anthony ,trent
 ,story by ,wyndham ,martyn1 author of  
,anthony      ,trent1 ,master ,criminal1
 and ,the ,secret of the ,silver ,car4  
#g ,,the ,,smuggled ,,masterpiece       
,a comedy novel by ,edgar ,jepson1      
author of ,the ,whiskered ,footman1     
full of humour and dramatic incident4   
#gs4 #f;d4 net4   #h ,,the ,,mazaroff   

,,murder       ,by ,j4 ,s4 ,fletcher1   
author of ,the ,markenmore ,mystery4    
,who killed      ,mr4 ,mazaroff1 and why
 did it become known as the ,mazaroff   
affair      throughout three continents4
 ,by ,j4 ,s4 ,fletcher4       #gs4 #f;d4
 net4   #i ,,the ,,house ,,of ,,marney  
,by ,john ,goodwin1 author of ,without  
,mercy4 ,the yachting adventure         
gives a new atmosphere to this striking 
drama of the ,east ,coast4       #gs4   
#f;d4 net4   ,,herbert ,,jenkins'  ,new 
,popular ,novels  #c_/f net   #a        
,,klondyke ,,kit',s ,,revenge       ,by 
,george ,goodchild1 author of ,colorado 
,jim4 ,out in the icy      solitudes of 
,klondyke1 ,kit closes the eyes of his  
pal1 and pockets      a scrap of paper  
that appoints him the dead man's heir4  
,he comes to ,england to claim his      
inheritance1 and finds to his           
astonishment that it comprises an       
enormous estate1 and that others        
are in possession4 ,he decides to wait  
and watch4 ,in the process he      falls

 in love4       ,klondyke ,kit's        
,revenge has all the dramatic qualities 
of that      great popular success1     
,colorado ,jim4   #b ,,the ,,secret of  
the ,,sandhills       ,by ,arthur ,gask4
 ,in shabby cloths and frayed collar1   
,john ,stratton      stood watching the 
life and bustle outside the post office1
      conscious that his position was   
desperate4 ,a grey motor-car1 a         
pretty girl1 and a dropped pocket-book1 
temporarily send up his      stock4     
,then comes the murder on ,henley       
,beach1 the police1 and--danger4        
,john ,stratton has to confess that he  
is in rather a tight corner2      but   
there are always the blue eyes of the   
girl in the grey car4   #c ,,confessions
 ,,of ,,mrs4 ,,may       ,by ,t4 le     
,breton1 author of ,mrs4 ,may4 ,mrs4    
,may is a typical      cockney1 with a  
cockney's dislike of being put upon4 ,to
 call her      a woman1 or even a       
charwoman1 is to earn her undying       
enmity4       ,she has very clearly     

defined views on life1 and her own      
rights4 ,in      her confessions she    
tells of some further episodes in her   
career4       ,i reckon ,i've a 'ead on 
me1 says ,mrs4 ,may1 and there are few  
who      would venture to question the  
statement1 particularly as she has a    
brawny arm and an absent-minded habit of
 rolling up her sleeves4   ,a full list 
of the famous ,green ,label popular     
novels will be sent on application to   
,herbert ,jenkins1 ,ltd41 ,three1 ,york 
,street1 ,st4 ,james's1 ,london1        
,s4,w4#a4   ,,herbert ,,jenkins'  ,new  
,popular ,novels  #b_/f net   #a        
,mc,p,h,e,e       ,a football story by  
,sydney ,horler4   #b ,,gentleman ,,bill
       ,a boxing story by ,philip       
,mac,donald1 telling how ,bill          
,tressider's      left made boxing      
history4 ,published in the first        
instance at #b_/f      net4   #c ,a     
,,dominie',s ,,log       ,the frank     
confessions of a ,scottish schoolmaster1
 by ,a4 ,s4 ,neill1      which created a

 sensation when originally published4   
,popular      edition4   #d ,a ,,dominie
 ,,dismissed       ,some further leaves 
from the note-book of a ,scottish       
schoolmaster1      dismissed for his    
educational indiscretions4 ,by ,a4 ,s4  
,neill4      ,popular edition4   #e ,a  
,,dominie ,,in ,,doubt       ,still     
franker confessions of a ,scottish      
schoolmaster that1 after      all1 he   
may have been wrong in his previous     
conclusions4 ,by ,a4 ,s4      ,neill4   
,popular edition4   #f ,,cheiro',s      
,,guide ,,to ,,the ,,hand       ,a      
practical book on palmistry1 based on   
the system and experience      of       
,cheiro4 ,with numerous illustrations4  
,popular edition4   #g ,,when ,,were    
,,you ,,born8       ,a book that will   
bring you success1 your character told1 
your      tendencies explained1 your    
future indicated4 ,with engravings      
illustrating life's mysterious          
triangles4 ,by ,cheiro4 ,popular        
edition4   #h ,,handy ,,andy       ,a   

popular edition of ,samuel ,lever's     
famous story of the man who             
possessed the ingenious knack of doing  
the right thing in the wrong      way4  
,a full list of the famous ,green ,label
 popular novels will be sent on         
application to ,herbert ,jenkins1 ,ltd41
 ,three1 ,york ,street1 ,st4 ,james's1  
,london1 ,s4,w4#a4   ,illustration3     
,,the ,,herbert ,,jenkins' ,,wireless   
,the ,herbert ,jenkins' ,wireless is    
published monthly and it is             
priceless4 ,in other words it will be   
sent post-free to all                   
book-lovers--and others4        ,it     
tells all about the latest ,herbert     
,jenkins' ,books4 ,it also      contains
 many good stories and interesting      
personalities--in the      best sense of
 the term4        ,there are facts about
 authors and fictions about publishers4 
,above all there is real information    
about books1 not just                   
press-opinions and other people's       
opinions1 but what a book is      about4

        ,one enthusiastic reader of ,the
 ,herbert ,jenkins' ,wireless writes    
that it has enabled him to discontinue  
his subscriptions to ,punch      and    
,the ,times ,literary ,supplement6      
,the ,star in big headlines refers to   
,the ,h4 ,j4 ,wireless as               
,gingering up the ,book ,trade1 and goes
 on to say that nothing so              
ingenious has yet been issued in this   
country4 ,are you going to      send for
 it to ,herbert ,jenkins ,ltd41 #c1     
,york ,street1 ,st4 ,james's1           
,london1 ,s4,w4#a8